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I 've had a couple of minor scares recently involving health issues that have made me pause and think about things . The first came a few weeks ago when my wife had to have a mamogram , and the second came a few days ago when my neck developed a small , painful lump . Fortunately neither turned out to be serious , but the anxiety and fear generated by each made me wonder how people who have terminal conditions maintain their sanity when told there is no hope . My father was anxious and probably fearful when he was given the news , but in the days and weeks before his death he prepared himself and faced it calmly . I don 't think I could do that . Although I 've always thought that death was an option when things got too bad , being told that it was coming - without any control of the event on my part - is something that would invoke the white - hot terror that sometimes washes over me in the middle of a panic attack . There must be a shock mechanism which kicks in toward the end to keep our minds from dwelling on the finality of the situation or , as in the case of my father , a great faith that we will be taken care of as we journey on toward the next life . Even as I sit here writing this the anxiety builds in me , wondering whether or not I will have enough faith when that time comes , knowing that questioning my faith means not having enough . I was talking to a co - worker yesterday whose brother and his wife both have cancer . She said that his wife was sent home from the hospital because there was nothing more they could do , and that she was only given a few days more . The couple are expecting a grandson soon , and the woman was asking them to choose a name for the baby before she died , to give her comfort perhaps . Maybe one little thing that she can tell herself she got to do before she died , to know the name of her grandson . To digress quite a bit here , and I apologize but this is something I have to get off my chest , I don 't think the doctors have the right to tell someone that they have x number of days or months to live , or that aposted by Tim at Wednesday , January 31 , 2007 As usual , the kids wouldn 't start getting ready for church until the last minute . . . or rather , the last five seconds . When I get tired of telling them , then get tired of yelling at them , I start a count and if they haven 't gotten on their feet and started moving by the count of five they get a spanking , so they almost always are scooting when I reach four and I hardly ever give spankings anymore . Actually it 's only on my youngest that the threat works . The older one gets threatened with taking his car keys . We made it there on time , but only by a couple of minutes and surprisingly found an empty pew where we could sit together . . . . close to the back . I have this thing about sitting close to the front . I get a little claustrophobic and much prefer the back of the church where I 'm not surrounded by two hundred people . This has been a point of disagreement between my wife and I because she likes to sit close to the front . Today she had to work so it was just Nathan , Ryan and I going to church , so I found a seat toward the back . Having carted three boys to church for years , I have come to expect a certain amount of embarrassment every Sunday , but today was pretty much uneventful . No one picked his nose through the whole mass , no gas was passed noisily , everybody 's pants stayed up , and no one knocked the collection basket on the floor . My seventeen year old , Nathan , wore another pair of torn pants , but at least his shirt was nice . If you know anything about the Catholic Mass you know it 's a set ritual with not much deviation . When my youngest son , Ryan , was about three or four I told him to stay in his seat while I went to Communion . I went up and took Communion and went back to my seat , only to see that Ryan had made his own trip to the front of the church and was now coming back into the seat . When Communion was over the priest made an unprecedented trip to the middle of the congregation . . . to my pew . He had given Ryan a host , not sure how old he was ( Ryan was a good sized boy ) , and didn 't know what he had done with it , posted by Tim at Sunday , January 28 , 2007 When I was about thirteen or so I was staying with my friends , two brothers who were a year in age on each side of me . They had a family friend who came to visit them often , an older man - about 70 then - who lived on a farm a couple of miles away from them . He was someone who always looked as if he was almost asleep , and talked in a mumbling sort of way . The boys often went to help him out with the chores , and that was the case on this day , with me tagging along . There wasn 't much to do in the way of chores that day , and they soon decided to show me " Uncle Ray 's " attic , with Ray leading the way . We climbed the stairs to the cluttered , dark room full of stacks of magazines and newspapers . On further investigation I saw that most of the magazines were Playboy , Penthouse and the like . There were drawings that he had done - he seemed to be quite an artist - of couples engaged in sexual acts , nude women , and drawings that looked normal until you unfolded them and it turned into an orgy . He pulled out a box full of films and played one of them - this was way before vcr 's so it was a silent film . I felt very uneasy the whole time . Although everything was like a treasure trove to a pubescent boy it felt very wierd with an old man openly showing us all that stuff . It got a lot wierder next when he pulled out an attachment for his sweeper and asked me if I wanted to put that thing on my schlong . I declined and shrank to the farthest corner of the room while one of my friends gave it a try . Thankfully we left shortly thereafter with him taking us all back to my friends ' house where their mom fixed dinner for Uncle Ray and us , none of the grownups suspecting that their sleepy - eyed friend had opened our eyes , or at least my eyes , to the fact that old people could hide such secrets behind their jovial , trusting faces . A few weeks ago I was talking to one of the delivery drivers who come in the store and we got to talking about immigration . His children go to school in the city that is our county seat , into which there has been a large influx of immigrants from Mexico and Guatemala within the last ten years . A lot of them are illegal and most find employment in the nearby chicken farms . It seems the city is going out of their way to not only make these people feel welcome , but to cater to them by providing more assistance than is available to any longtime resident . The driver was saying that in his daughter 's preschool class the children are being taught in Spanish as well as English in order to keep the immigrant children from feeling left out . He was furious that his child was being made to learn the language of foreigners to this country , instead of them having to learn ours . I can 't say that I blame him . The whole idea of people violating the law by sneaking into the country without going through the proper channels , then being treated like important guests instead of criminals is a slap in the face to people like my grandparents , who came here from another country , gained citizenship legally , and worked hard to provide for themselves without assistance from anyone in any government agency , all the while having to learn the language and customs of this country , and being thankful for the chance to do it . I 'm not against immigration when the immigrants go through the legal processes to gain entry to the country , but I 'm astounded at the number of people who are willing to let the illegals sneak in , then provide them with aid of all kinds while our own citizens cannot get help for themselves . The immigrants in our county seat comprise 1 . 33 % of the population of the city . Hardly enough to deserve changing the curriculum of the teaching classes and a black eye to our democratic principle of " majority rules " . When my youngest son was about two it became apparent to us that he was different than the other two in a slightly peculiar way . All our kids have their own ways of being special , but we could tell Ryan was something else . He became fixated on sweepers when he was two . He would push the sweeper around all day , or find something he could substitute for a sweeper and push that around . If there was a commercial on tv that had a sweeper in it he would stop what he was doing and point to the tv saying " sweeper ? That 's a sweeeper . Yeah that 's a sweeeeper " . I remember once when he was throwing a fit in Sears I took him to the vacuum cleaner display and his interest was immediately shifted to pushing the demos around the sales floor while my wife finished shopping . When he was four his interest was shifted to the weather . He would watch the Weather Channel all the time , and he knew all about clouds , tornadoes , thunderstorms and most everything a seasoned weatherman knows . He loved books about it too , so we got him some with pictures and read to him . One day he came with my wife to see me at work . He started telling everyone in the break room that they 'd better be careful because there was a supercell developing that might bring heavy thunderstorms . The people there were slightly astonished that a four year old was giving them such detailed weather forecasting . His next obsession came when he was about six . We had gotten him an electronic board that had all the presidents on it . When you pushed a certain button it gave a lot of different facts about a president . He would stay in his room for hours on end playing with that , and within weeks he could tell you any fact about any president . He could name them in order , tell what their wife 's name was , what years they served , where they were from . . . everything that was on that board he knew . Expanding on that resource , we got him one of those boards that had states and the capitals , along with information about each state . He memorized everything about the states too . He had stposted by Tim at Tuesday , January 23 , 2007 I don 't know what it is lately , but I 'm so tired all the time that I just want to sit and do nothing when I come home from work . I usually end up falling asleep while watching tv by about seven o ' clock . It might be the cold weather , since I 'm out in it a lot , or it could be that I have an unknown illness ( I 'm a part time hypochondriac , so I 'm always thinking something is wrong ) , or it could be the dreaded A . G . E . factor which my wife is leaning toward in her opinion of my predicament though I think she 's wrong . I think it 's probably a combination of things , mainly the winter weather and lack of sunlight . It is depressing , although this month is moving along faster than most Januarys do , and I hate feeling like a slug . I can 't wait for Spring . I 'm hoping for a lot of snow tonight and tomorrow . They 're calling for a bunch up north , around Lake Erie , but I don 't think we 're supposed to see much . I 'm ready to go sled riding . . . as soon as I procure a sled . Oh , and it 's got to get colder too . I went out to the land last night and tinkered around , cut some wood and built a fire . It was soggy and wet all over , but still fun . I haven 't been able to do anymore toward building my tepee , but it would be great to have that up when it snows . I got all the material and have all the poles cut , but it 's been too cold and wet to do anything . If I get energetic tonight I might get the canvas ready to sew . Our Christmas tree is still up . I was going to take it down my last day off but the wife insists that she take it down because she 's afraid I 'll smash all the branches down flat . I did finally take down the outside lights , which wasn 't much of a task since we only had them around the porch . I want to get the tree down so we can get this place cleaned . My car needs a new water pump . It 's either that that 's bad or the thermostat . I bought a thermostat because that 's cheaper that a pump , but when I went to change it I saw that I was going to need an engineer 's degree , a lot of expensive tools , several days of free time , a lot more coffee , and a wide open space where I could throw tools when I get mad . So I decided it would be easier to change the water pump , but since the weather isn 't suitable to doing that right now I guess I 'll just stick to driving the car short distances . Luckily I only live less than a mile from work . A new competitor in the grocery business opens its doors tomorrow , so it 'll be interesting to see how busy we will be . Our store is getting ready to expand , so there 's a lot going on at work right now , even though January is a slow month . I need to get busy looking for new employment . Being a procrastinator by nature I 've been saying that for a few months now . The next weeks and months are going to keep me on my toes . We have a lot to get done to the land , posted by Tim at Friday , January 19 , 2007 I suppose our little hamlet here is like thousands of others across the country . Someplace an out - of - area person would pass through and barely give it a glance , maybe using it as a reference point to know when to switch highways on your journey east or west , but probably driving past the town without even knowing it exists . Indeed , our claim to fame , so to speak , is the railroad which passes through the town , and in earlier days was an important source of industry in these parts . It transported coal and clay from the nearby mines and sent it to all parts of the country . Our town earned the name " Dreamsville " from soldiers riding the rails who stopped on their way to or from deployments during the second world war . It 's something the town higher - ups have capitalized on , and we have a railroad festival every year to celebrate , even though railroad usage has become a mostly - forgotten mode of transportation . The warehouse right by the tracks even has DREAMSVILLE in giant letters written across it . For a few hundred dollars and the correct social status you can join the railroad committee and hobnob with the rest of the town snoots , planning things like Polar Express train rides , or steam engine shows . Neat things , to be sure , and if you ever happen into town during one of the events , by all means do stop and visit . . . but it 's not something most people put on their travel planner . I guess every little place wants to be recognized . . . wants to be more than it really is . Taking advantage of its history is the way our town tries to be more than just the place where the highway splits . I 've written often of my dad , a man of great faith and devotion to his family . He worked two jobs most of his life plus handled the farming duties . He was a hero in my eyes . A man to be emulated in everything he did . . . except his driving . The earliest memory that I have riding with him was coming home from church late one evening with all of us piled into our station wagon . He slowed down at the stop sign where our road crossed the highway and kinda glanced , deciding that car barreling down on us wasn 't a threat at all . I was in the back and didn 't see , but my brother , sisters and mom yelled , screamed and ducked as he continued across the highway with the sound of screeching brakes and a horn blowing about three inches from the back bumper . " What are you yelling about ? I know what I 'm doing " . Over the years he became infamous for his close calls and his obliviousness to the terror bestowed on his children when he drove . I don 't recall whether he had any accidents or not , but I do remember riding with him a few times when I was a little older and having some very nervous moments . I was fourteen , I think , when he let me ride with him on his route a couple of times . He worked for a dry cleaning service the last ten years of his employment , and his work was hard and tiring . He was always hurrying from stop to stop and viewed a stop sign as more of a suggestion than a law . I remember him driving through town speeding toward a light that was red . I looked over at him and yelled and he slammed the brakes on , skidding to a stop . He 'd been almost asleep , tired out from the long day and hot weather . His horror rides were something we had a good laugh about , but only if we made it through alive , which all of somehow managed to do . When I was sixteen and working for my brother - in - law I had to take a new guy with me on the job and show him the ropes . This was janitorial work , so not a lot of technical skill required . Nevertheless , over the next few weeks about the only attribute he showed was the ability to show up for work , which wasn 't hard since I - or my bil or both of us - would pick him up at his house . Since I was in school during the day and there were always jobs that needed done during the day , he spent a lot of time with bil . Gradually , the weeks turned into months and he was still employed and still hadn 't mastered the fine arts of cleaning , like ; not leaving streaks on windows , not upsetting a mop bucket once a night , and not operating a floor scrubber without being tossed around like a rag doll . I wondered why my bil hadn 't either gotten on him to improve or gotten rid of him . The months turned into years , although I had gotten another job when I was eighteen , he still was working , and had become my bil 's right - hand man , even though my bil would swear he still couldn 't do anything right and would nag at him . They became something of a familiar sight around town , my bil , who was 6 ' 4 " and his scrawny helper who stood about 5 " 1 " , cleaning windows or sitting in the coffee shop . Many years later , after the cleaning business disappeared due to my sister and bil 's divorce , they still hung out together , fishing or going out drinking , right up until the time bil succumbed to his illness and passed away . I often wondered how their friendship had solidified itself so . It reminded me of the relationship between two characters in the Joseph Wambaugh novel The Choirboys . The two characters were both police officers who had served together in Vietnam then joined the force together , although it seemed apparent to everyone that the older , better officer couldn 't stand to be around his partner . When the story unfolded , a secret from the war was revealed that had kept them together because the older one unconsciously depended on the other , and the posted by Tim at Saturday , January 13 , 2007 Since the holiday season is past us and winter depression is trying to worm its way into our lives I thought I 'd write a summertime reminisce . . . to get my mind off the cold . Every year at our farm we had to put up hay so the cows would have something to eat in the winter . Usually we did this twice a year unless a drought or severe rain kept it to a single cutting . We were never well off financially to be able to afford one , and our farm wasn 't that big , so we never had a baler , we put the hay up loose . The way it worked was like this ; Either dad or one of my older brothers would cut the fields , then let the hay lay to dry for a few days . Then came the raking . That job took two people . One to drive the tractor and the other to ride the rake . The person operating the rake had a bit of an adventure , for the rake was an old one where you had to sit on a seat in the middle of it and pull a lever which raised the tines when the rake was full . The seat was always loose , which didn 't help when you 're trying to maintain your balance going over bumps , hoping you don 't fall and get run over by the rake . When all the hay was raked into rows everyone would grab a pitchfork and gather the rows into large stacks . That was the start of the fun for the younger kids because we 'd always run and dive into those stacks . Next , it was time to pick up the hay and load it into the trailer or truck . The older guys would toss it in the back , and after the truck got about halfway full the little kids did their job . The youngest kids were always the ' trampers ' . We would walk around smashing the hay down to make room for more . It was something that was a lot of fun , a hayride in the middle of summer , but you had to be careful not to get a pitchfork in the leg when they threw the hay up to you . We were always excited when we got to be trampers . After the truck was piled so high that no more would fit on it would be driven up to the barn . Our barn was up a little ways on the hill , so to get to it you had to make a bit of a sharp turn and give itposted by Tim at Thursday , January 11 , 2007 I guess everyone looks back at their past and finds a few things they 'd like to change . I 'm no exception , in fact I 'd like to do a lot of it over again , but I tend to think things happen for a reason , so there must be some purpose behind my life so far . I wish I had been more aggressive though , in my younger years . My youth was spent in an almost Amish - like passiveness when it came to dealing with other people . . . other kids , mostly . I only got in a couple of shoving matches through school . It might have helped my confidence in myself greatly to get in a few fights , even if I got a few teeth knocked out . It wasn 't as if I got picked on a lot , maybe because I was big enough to take care of myself , but there were a few times that stick with me like a sliver of metal that 's lodged deep beneath my skin . Times I wish I would have kicked some ass , or gotten mine kicked if that was the consequence . One of these was in Phys . Ed . playing volleyball in seventh grade . I missed the ball or something . The next thing I knew was kicked in the back by one of the eighth graders for missing the ball . I didn 't do anything about it , even though I suffered a cracked tailbone and had back problems from then on through my life . I should have decked him , and if it happened now I definitely would . Another time was on a bus trip back from an FFA outing where we got to watch our teacher castrate one of his hogs . I hated riding the bus , it always gave me a headache , so I had my head down resting on my forearms when someone took a thick , hardbound book and smacked me on the head , almost knocking me out . I looked around and saw a bunch of the illiterates that were a couple of grades ahead of me sitting a few seats back laughing like it was the funniest thing they 'd ever seen . Even though I was outnumbered I should have stood up for myself then . I didn 't . Over the years I 've learned to take care of myself better , although instead of high school fistfights people expect you solve differences by stating your point and coming to an agreement in a gposted by Tim at Tuesday , January 09 , 2007 Going to Sunday Mass is always an ordeal at this house . Usually its everybody trying to get into the bathroom at once to get ready , or being forced into the bathroom to get ready , and there 's always a lot of yelling , arguing , stomping and slamming doors before we finally make it out and pile into the car . They say that the hour before church is the most unholy hour of the week , and that proves ever so true at our house . Someone is always trying to sleep in , or feigns illness in order to stay home , and no one can ever find anything to wear . This morning 's catalyst of my hair - pulling episode was my middle son . He came downstairs in a pair of jeans his girlfriend had gotten him for Christmas . The knees were ripped out and the back of the legs were faded . I told him to put on something decent to wear , and that 's when the argument started . At seventeen , he naturally thinks he can do pretty much what he wants , and short of tackling him , stripping him and dressing him at ten minutes before church started about the only thing I could do was to verbally try to convince him to change . It didn 't work , and he stayed in the bathroom until time to go , when I yelled that it was time to go . He didn 't come out , and being angry and refusing to let him make us late I herded the youngest son out the door ahead of me and went to church . He came into church about three minutes later , wearing those ratty - looking jeans . I can 't really say I was embarrassed because over the years my kids have done so many things that made me want to crawl under the pews and out the doors that a pair of torn , faded jeans only had me letting out a sigh of disappointment . Afterward I sat him down and tried to explain that church isn 't a place to try to be cool and that we dress in good clothes because being able to worship once a week is something we should try to look our best for . Not for everyone else to see , but to show the Lord that we think enough of Him to look our best for Him . I think he took it about the way I would have when I was his age . . . abouposted by Tim at Sunday , January 07 , 2007 What 's your closest brush with death ? I 've been trying to think of what mine might have been and I think I 've been lucky all my life to have very few close calls . Of course there are probably ones that I didn 't even know about ; a crazy lunatic has me in his gunsights and his rifle jams , a driver runs a red light just after I go through the intersection , I shoo away a mosquito that 's carrying the West Nile Virus , or a dozen different things I could never think of . I guess the one thing that scared me the most was the day after I got my dirt bike when I was 18 . The day that I bought my first motorcycle , my only dirt bike , I brought it home very late in the afternoon . In fact , it was dusk when I started riding it . Our house sat in a valley and we had fields right in the front of the house , then across the fields was a creek , and right on the other side of that were more hay fields on the side of a hill . I took it on the hill first , and rode around in those fields until it got too dark to see ( the bike didn 't have a light ) . So then I came down and rode through the fields in front of the house in darkness for a long time before quitting for the night . The next day when I went out to ride some more I saw my tracks from the previous night . I 'd ridden within a couple of inches of our disk , forgetting it was even there . In case you don 't know , a disk is what you pull behind the tractor after you 've plowed to break down the dirt . It has several rows of thin , heavy , metal disks that turn as you go . If I 'd have hit that the night before I would have been sliced into many bloody strips . That might be the closest I 've come to departing this world . Another incident was when I was hunting and my brother - in - law was behind me . We were walking through the woods when his gun suddenly went off , blowing up the ground behind my feet . " Oh , I guess the safety wasn 't on " was all he had to say . Had we been stooping to go through brush or under a tree branch when that happened the gun might have been pointing at my back . My BIL was a fun persposted by Tim at Friday , January 05 , 2007 I 'm not usually a person to judge people quickly or to slap a label on them , but I 'll write a little about one of the people I have . A few years ago my son graduated from the D . A . R . E . program in sixth grade . That 's where the school brings in a police officer to teach the kids to stay off drugs . At that ceremony the guest speaker was a former police officer and current bank president , the person I 'll refer to as Mr . Asshole , or Mr . A . He earned that distinction from me for something he 'd done not long before that . My mother - in - law married a man shortly after my wife and I got married . The man she married , ' J ' was basically a good - hearted person , but had many shortcomings . His daughter had married Mr A a few years before , but they rarely visited J because he was an embarrassment to them , being handicapped and on government aid , and married to my wife 's mother , whose sons were in jail . As the years went by , Mr . A and his wife grew richer and moved into one of the historic mansions in town , while J 's health diminished to the point where he eventually lost both his legs to diabetes , along with the use of one arm . Also , my MIL and he had gotten divorced , but both moved into the same duplex , she on the top floor and he on the bottom . It was a convenient arrangement , since they still depended on each other - she would fix him dinner and help him bathe and so forth and he would give her money when she needed it and keep her company . When we went there for the holidays we always went to both places , since J was fond of our kids and always got them gifts . The whole situation worked out better than it had when they were married . During this time Mr . A 's wife , J 's daughter , only came to see him a few times - usually to ask for money - and never invited him to their mansion . When J went into the hospital for liver failure it was obvious he wouldn 't be coming home again . Shortly after his daughter found out how bad he was , Mr . A , the rich bank president , used his influence to get J declared incompetent and had his wife appointed as hposted by Tim at Wednesday , January 03 , 2007 In my dreams I often find myself at some very high place where the only way down is to fall . Last night was one of those dreams , this one involving a bridge over the Ohio River which seemed to be several hundred feet high . For some reason there was no guardrail , I was walking across , and halfway across I was suddenly on only a section of the bridge which wasn 't connected to anything else and I had no way off it . I awoke to waves and waves of panic . The panic I experience from nightmares is a little different than when I 'm awake , because with every wave pain shoots down my legs into the bottoms of my feet . So there I lay for about five minutes with spikes stabbing me in my feet , trying to wake up and forget the dream so I could go back to sleep . That didn 't happen , and I spent the whole day in sort of an anxiety filled daze . I hate when a dream stay with you all day like that .

Alfred was an English man . He moved to the states when he was young with his mother , father and sister . His dad had taken a better paying job , one that had the potential to create a better life for him and his family . Whenever Alfred spoke with me about it , he seemed to not have an opinion one way or another . Moving on was a natural part of life . We shared that history , since I myself am part British . And even though neither of us was Irish , we tended to enjoy our times together at a local Irish pub in San Jose in San Pedro Square . Perhaps it was the European connection . When you have rare opportunities to connect , you tend to grasp for the simple strands no matter how unfounded they are or what stretch of the imagination is required . And St Patrick 's day was the perfect cover for Alfred 's drinking problems . He was the kind of alcoholic that was allowed by society . No one ever mentioned it or talked about it . He never passed out anywhere but his home . It was the self managed and self contained alcoholic . I mean as long as you don 't hurt anyone and you continue to pull your weight , why say anything ? As long as no one mentions the problem , it must not be a problem , right ? That was Alfred . The socially acceptable alcoholic . Close to my 30th birthday , Alfred 's father passed away from a heart attack . Alfred was really close to his father and I remember several of our conversations after his father 's passing . He started to question God 's intentions . He wondered why God would leave his mother to fend for herself . Alfred felt it was too sudden . It really affected him since he wasn 't prepared for it . It was sad because even Alfred had no real spiritual life before his father 's death . And after , he seemed to be well planted in his position that God , if he did exist was cruel and did not deserve his time or worship . I thought about the irony of the situation . If Alfred 's father was a terrible father , no one would curse God for his death . But he was a great father , so shouldn 't that mean that Alfred should have thanked God for blessing him in such a wonderful way . And if death meant peace and returning his father to the God to whom he belonged , why wouldn 't death be a wonderful thing ? Is it that we are so limited in our thinking that we don 't believe there are possibilities beyond our pain . Is our pain so great , that we cannot even consider what is best for the ones we love ? What if God specifically placed Alfred 's father in Alfred 's life for a specific season to plant the seeds needed for future trials . The trials that would ultimately lead to growth , strength , character and a number of intentional purposes designed specifically for Alfred by the hand of God himself . Mary had just moved from the East coast to West coast . She left her family after completing college to pursue a career . She decided to not break up with her boyfriend before leaving . Probably because she was afraid to be alone . You see Mary always had hooks in the water . A sea of boys she could turn to in order to ensure she would never be alone . To ensure she would always have someone to talk to . Love diversification . When she moved to the West coast , she found herself quickly involved in a new relationship . Her charm and emotional intelligence coupled with a daring and adventerous character made for a deadly combination amongst men . For some reason , stable men who found it difficult to pursue women often found themselves naturally taking on a protective role when Mary showed up . She made it so smooth and easy . All the more reason , they became so attached when she did catch them with her bait . Most women find it difficult to foster a relationship with a single man . Mary had no difficulty and refused to give full commitment because her own mother had seen dreadful years . Mary 's parents weren 't divorced but it was clear they only stayed together for society 's benefit . Mary decided she would never let that happen . The problem was that Mary 's West coast boyfriend travelled a lot . Mary dreadfully needed to fill that empty void . The one everyone has . Some fill it with work . Others television . Then there are the life draining void fillers like sex , drugs , gambling and everything in between . No . Mary was a relationship junkie . When Mary 's West coast boyfriend went travelling , she naturally fell into the arms of her third prize , Steven . Steven , had many of the same qualities . Stable , accomodating and ambitiously pursuing a career . Mary loved intelligence . It was remarkably attractive to her . She could spout off in deep conversaton about life . Mary new what men needed . It was simple . Men need a wife . But at times the wife needs to morph into a mother . Other times she must morph into a sister . Men need a wife to have a daughter . Because when a man 's heart runs dry and fails to have the capacity to love , he needs a daughter to grow fond of and replace the feelings of adolescent love . Mary always said , in time a man 's love for his daughter would supecede his love for his wife . And as the wife strategically played the roles , she would nurture and care for the man 's heart . It was this treatment that would give the man reason to give his heart fully and allow her to be his personal care giver for life . Mary also new the seasons of a woman 's heart . The man would first need to be the bad boy . The rebellious , adventurous , challenging soul . The one to capture her heart unexpectedly . The one who would do this despite the woman 's laundry list of characteristics she believed her ideal man should have . A list which ignorantly appealed to the mind , but not the heart . This would give an adolescent memory of seasons of romantic notions . And as she grew tired and weary , he would have to slow as well . A man that in the latter years could reap the fruits of years of labor to deliver wonderfully concocted stories and provide transportation around the world . To grow old with and enjoy the golden years together . So here , Mary was , giving her first priority to her East coast boyfriend , her next priority to her West coast boyfriend and remaining crumbs of time to Stephen . Interestingly enough , each boyfriend only knew about the preceding boyfriends . So it was the last boyfriend , Stephen who knew about the others . It was the last boyfriend , who knew Mary at the deepest level . Stephen knew Mary 's deep dark secrets and loved and accepted her as she was . He provided a safety net to capture all of her thoughts , feelings and emotions . Stephen knew Mary needed the freedom to explore and discover for herself what she wanted . He had spent hours trying to get to know her . Wondering what she valued in the other two . Asking what she expected from each of the relationships . Even listening in the same room as she spoke to the other boyfriends on the phone . Mary was completely comfortable being herself around Stephen . And while most men would be protective or jealous , Stephen allowed conversation on Mary 's past intimacies and current intimacies . Stephen allowed it and in turn developed an even deeper intimacy than any of the relationships Mary had ever had . The funny thing was , Mary left to meet her West coast boyfriend but came back to Stephen within a few hours . They broke up . With the love and care Mary felt from Stephen , even the few hours away felt like a lifetime . And compared to the intimacy shared between Mary and Stephen , Mary 's West coast boyfriend seemed light years away . What she loved and admired seemed like a distant past . Of course , Stephen saw it all . He accepted it all . How could it be any other way ? Within months , Mary slowly pulled other hooks out of the water . Still scared . And in her own time . Stephen knew that love is patient . And patience does not demand . It simply waits . I ran into Todd a while back at a cocktail party . Todd and I have known each other for a long time . Him and I are able to have deep conversations because we share an analytical mindset that allows us to discuss various topics for hours and hours , diving deeper and deeper . He , like myself , gets little pleasure from discussing the daily gossip or the advancement of your favorite football team . No , we thrive off of talking about life 's mysteries and big ideas . To tell you a little bit about their history , Todd was always pretty stable . He knew what he wanted in his career and he just moved steadily toward it . He was a loyal person in general . When I met Rebecca for the first time , I was laughing because they were so opposite . That night we went to a local pub and a few of us had some drinks and pretty much engaged in conversation the whole evening . The three of us sat at the same table , with our beers sitting upright on a few bar stools . On the other hand , I don 't think Rebecca even sat down with us for five minutes . She was hopping around the room , chatting with everyone like she new them ! She was hugging random people . Every once in a while , she would stop by our table . She would make us all move around to fit her in and then a few minutes later she was off again . This happened throughout the night . I remember being slightly annoyed but decided not to say anything about it . That night , I remember looking at Todd and without even asking a question , he defended her in some way . I can 't remember his exact words but something to the effect of " That 's how she is . " and " I know the one who is going to take her home . " She was definitely the social butterfly . As you can expect , their relationship didn 't stay so happy for long . A few years later , when I ran in to them , Todd and I would share grievances about how annoying our wives could be . Looking back , I don 't know why I focused on that negative energy but perhaps sometimes , you just want to know you are not the only one struggling . When she would come up to Todd , he would insult her . He never directly called her stupid , but you could tell from his body language and his snide comments , that is what he thought of her . I always felt bad for her because I could see her cringe and some of the pure positivity that she embodied would seep out little by little with each comment . That night at the cocktail party , everything had changed . They seemed to somehow be connected again . And Todd decided to open up to me about what had happened . He told me that Rebecca had had an affair . He told me that they had lived together for a year during the affair . They had a two bedroom apartment and slept in separate bedrooms . He told me that he didn 't know why they even stayed together because everything seemed hopeless . They cared about each other and money was tight , so part of the reason was that they couldn 't afford to separate . Part of the reason was that both of them had hope for their relationship and they hadn 't officially decided to go the divorce route because of how it would affect family members . Throughout this time , Rebecca would say things that made Todd believe the affair would stop , but she would never commit to fully stopping the affair . Todd kept trying to get her to commit to the relationship and became so frustrated because Rebecca never committed to anything . She would tell him , " Its not that simple . " Then , right before the beginning of summer , they had a huge fight . Rebecca was going off on Todd , spewing out words of hatred and resentment . Todd , on the other hand , remained relatively calm . He had always had great self restraint . Todd didn 't tell me what Rebecca was yelling , but he told me that he just broke down in tears on the couch . He stopped the bickering back and forth and the blaming and attacking . He just couldn 't do it anymore . He broke down and completely started bawling . He thought for sure , Rebecca was going to just continue to hurt and hurt him , especially now that he was wounded . But she stopped . Todd told Rebecca that he was sorry for the last year . He said , he was sorry because their relationship together was so beautiful that it was the best thing that had ever happened to him . He said , he was frustrated because he had a vision of spending a lifetime together with his beautiful butterfly and growing old together . Todd told Rebecca that deep down , he knew , he always knew , he didn 't deserve her . She deserved the best life had to offer . She was so beautiful and courageous . Todd walked into one of the bedrooms . Soon after , he came out carrying two tickets . He placed them on the table . He said , " I bought these for your a few weeks ago . " " You deserve a life of joy and happiness . I wish I could be that man who was your everything . I wish I could be your all . But I know I can 't . I know you deserve more . So , I bought these for you and Mike . I know you two will be happy together . And I wanted to start you off knowing that I wish you the best and you have my blessing . I will always love you and cherish our memories together . But I know that you need to move on . " Todd told me that he was crying the whole time . He walked out of the house in that moment and went to the beach . He told me that he must have been gone for several hours . He was mentally preparing for a new life without Rebecca . But when Todd got home , he found a note on the table and the tickets untouched . Rebecca had written a small note , " I knew the man I married and fell in love with was in there somewhere . I just wasn 't sure if I 'd ever see him again . I love you . " Todd said that the relationship continued to be rocky for a long time . But they both were committed and both worked hard to move through their issues together . He told me he hoped I would never have to go through what he went through but that in the end , it was all worth it and he wouldn 't trade it for anything . I never quite understood this story or what had changed . I guess it was one of my first insights into the mysteries of a woman . No rhyme or reason , I say , no rhyme or reason . Danny , was my friend as a kid . We played soccer together and always hung out together . I knew Danny 's father as just present . Whenever I would visit , he wouldnt say much to me so I didnt think about him much . His older brothers were all wrestling around outside . One of them came into the room and another was at the door . The one who came in was Michael , if I remember correctly . I can 't remember the names of the oldest two . Michael was staring at his older brother and seemed to be completely ignoring us . He was moving from side to side and I was trying to avoid getting trampled . Danny was getting annoyed but didnt say anything . Finally , Michael kicked the board , which seemed to be an accident because his focus was on his older brother . The older brother stepped in the room . He had that stern look as if he was calculating some mastermind plot . " Michael , are you going to let him talk to you like that ? Grab him " , he said . He looked me dead in the eyes and said , " Dont interfere or you are next . " He was much older than me . So part of me believed I should respect him . I was more just stunned than anything , as what happened next just shocked me . Michael grabbed Danny by the arms . Danny tried to struggle free . He was somewhat successful until Michaels older brother coached him further . " Pin him on the ground . " Before he could scream , Michael 's older brother cupped his hands on his mouth . I watched silently as tears streamed down Danny 's face . He was completely immobolized . I watched as one older brother just sat and observed and as another older brother coached , " Cover his mouth . " Michael did as he was told and quickly has his mouth capped . He complained , " He licked me . " His older brother said , " Slap the spit on his face . " I cant even remember what was said . There must have been taunting or instruction . Eventually Danny was just still . The fight in him had left . He looked completely subdued . His tears had stopped and all you could hear was a constant almost silent subtle whine . I actually think he had no more tears in his eyes . He had dried out completely . Danny and I remained friends over the years but he was never the same after that . I imagine that must have continued to happen , on the whim of his older brothers but I never asked him . I didnt know what to say . And as we hit high school , I would walk through the halls and see the lonely faces . And I would say , " Hello . " It put a smile on peoples faces . And every time I would pass Danny , he seemed to be sitting on the floor , by himself . I didnt join him because I thought he enjoyed the solitude , but I would always smile and say , " Hello . " Gina always loved performance . She saved my neck one time . It was a middle school play . We went to a local elementary school and I only had a few lines to say . But as I stood on stage and stared at all the marveling faces , I froze . I was so lucky I was paired with such a seasoned actress because she simply whispered my lines to me naturally as a reminder ! She had my part memorized too ! The awkward , clumsy kid I was , I actually didn 't get the hint right away . She had to repeat it twice to me . The play went on and it was a success . Afterwards , when we were back stage , she boasted slightly , teasing me that I needed help and she saved me . I lied telling her I knew my lines all along . My pride didn 't ever allow me to thank her . Gina had told me what had happened . She would often stay after the other kids to get some extra training . And he was good , he knew what he was talking about . She became a better performer because of him . She had overcome so many fears and her own slight stuttering issues because of him . But one practice session , like any other practice session , he was working with her on her posture . She was used to having her form molded . He would push the shoulders back . Place her feet at just the right positions . This was all normal but for whatever reason , this day was different . It started with a slight sensuous touch right down the spine of her back . His words were , " This needs to be smooth " . He continued to explain how each part of the body told a story and together they needed to convey a congruent message . His double closed fists spread out to flat palms facing downward as he emphasized the word " message " . The session continued as he went back to his seat , looking up at her . They continued to go through lines . " Stop , stop , stop , " he said and he walked back up to her standing there . Gina used to always wear short shorts . I don 't know why but it was actually something people identified her with . Perhaps , she wish she hadn 't that day . " Your legs are all wrong . " He continued to expand on his theory of the body being one fluid piece where all the parts needed to be flowing . " All the way , from here to here . " He slid his hand so high up , she felt as if he was inside her shorts even though wasn 't . And she had never been touched that high up her leg by another person . When Gina was telling me , she said she felt a sexual tingling . She just froze . Perhaps it was that it was unexpected . Perhaps she didn 't want to let her coach down because she looked up to him so much . Perhaps , she sought so badly his affirmation because she did not have the affirmation of her father . As Gina continued to tell me , she said that he had taken off her shorts and . . . She could not even continue at this point and I never found out the details of what followed . I just sat across from her and watched her cry . I did not know what to do . Should I hug her ? Should I tell someone ? Should I , should I , should I . But I was just a kid . I had no clue what to say to her or how to help her . About a month later , we found ourselves sitting together again , talking . Everything at the school had changed . The rumors flew around . Gina actually told me , she wished she never opened her mouth in the first place . She wished things were just as before . She missed her coaching sessions . He was like a father to her . The father she never had . And by opening her mouth , she lost him , someone she cared about . She even defended him as a misguided sensitive man who made a mistake . Tears would flow as she spoke but she seemed so clear in her words . Gina and I lost our friendship as life took us to different high schools . To this day , I am saddened by everything that happened . It is crazy to know that a single moment can overturn a lifetime of work . In a sense , her courage and words allowed me to find my own voice . And because of that , I thank her for her bravery . I met Mike when I was in six grade . He was in eighth grade at the time and a friend of my older brother . We both went to the same middle school together and lived right down the street from each other . As a middle school kid , I was more than just a little awkward . I had glasses , braces and played chess . The classic , Nerd . My personal brand involved being the youngest kid in eighth grade math and performing impressions of Steve Urkel , a well - known Nerd from a television series . I thought Mike was generally a safe person . He never said anything to me at school . After school , he would always pretend that he was my friend . He would convince me that he would be nicer to me . I always forgave him and decided to give him another shot . Back then , I had a backpack full of textbooks . People probably wondered how a kid so small could carry a backpack that looked so big . Like an ant carrying one hundred times its weight . But the real burden was carrying the emotional weight from his oppressive comments . Each day , I would try to escape his wrath . Some days , I would escape to the haven of a close friend 's house , begging him to let me stay a few hours and then asking his mother to drive me home . Other days , I would take different routes , to try to avoid Mike . But most days , he would find me . Jump out of the bushes and scare the living day light out of me . Slug me in the arm jokingly . One day , Mike asked me to stand in front of the hedge . He told me , he would never bother me again if I just stood there . I didn 't know what he was going to do , but naively , I decided to comply . Mike rushed at me , lowered his shoulder and struck me right in the chest . As his body pounded into me , I flew backwards over the hedge . I landed on my backpack full of books and the wind was knocked out of me . I started to crying . Mike seemed shocked . He might have actually been compassionate . Or he might have just been worried that I might need to see a doctor . Surprisingly , that was actually the last time Mike ever bullied me . He did keep his promise . A few years later , I shot up to my 6 ' 2 " status and saw him roaming the halls from time to time in high school . I had many opportunities to pommel him into the ground for harassing a kid that couldn 't protect himself . But I didn 't . I decided revenge could never get me anywhere . Surprisingly , I felt no ill feelings toward him and just looked at him as something from an ancient past . Years later , I would see an overbearing boss grilling a defenseless employee with his words . I saw the employee 's body shrink in confidence with each word uttered . In plain sight and public view , when no one else would say anything , I walked straight up to the boss . I told him , he had no right to be yelling at the other employee in public . His criticism could only be taken as humiliating and demeaning in this context . I let him know that if he had anything further to say , he could escort the other employee to a private area and complete the conversation there . I have always been grateful to the bully who picked on me . Not because it broke my confidence . Not because it led to a low self esteem . Not because years later , the term " Geek " or " Nerd " would still strike directly at my core . But because it caused me to learn how to have grace with others . To be sensitive to their hurts . And in the end , I guess I decided to get my real revenge by protecting the weak . One day , a new kid came to Ruskin . I decided to befriend him , knowing that he was probably scared to be in a new environment and school . His name was Nick . One of my older brother 's friends came up to us as we were walking and joined us . I don 't remember the name of my older brother 's friend but I do remember that we used to say he lived in a mansion . Most likely he just lived in a large house , but I never had visited his house , so I never knew if it was true or just kids exaggerating . Then , a kid riding a bike started approaching us . Out of nowhere , Nick jumped off the side walk onto the street and kicked the bike really hard . The bike toppled over and the kid was left scuffed and hurt . I did not know why Nick did that or whether he even knew the other kid . As the kid managed to regain his composure and quickly try to leave , my older brother 's friend said , " That was messed up . " As my friendship grew with Nick , I discovered that these types of compulsive behaviors were not uncommon for him . He lived in a corner house right next to the creek . Since the house was only a few houses away from my house , I started to spend quite a bit of time with him . I discovered that Nick lived with his mother , a single parent and that Nick often was alone , since she was working . Nick showed me lots of cool things . He once doused his hands with rubbing alcohol and lit his hands on fire in the bathroom . I was shocked . He also showed me a picture of a Playboy centerfold . It was a page ripped out from the magazine , but it fascinated me . We hid the picture outside the house , in a secret compartment used for cleaning his chimney . Sometimes , I would go to look at this picture briefly on my way to school . Nick was everything I wasn 't . He was fearless and seemed to have no care in the world . No boundaries . In a sense , I felt protected when I was with him . He never seemed to turn his aggression towards me , probably because he saw me as an admirer . So we had a strange symbiotic relationship . He would keep me safe from bullies and I gave him the affirmation of a follower , long before Facebook would capitalize on the concept . Since Nick lived on a corner house , there were four corner houses that faced each other . An Indian family lived on an opposite corner . As Nick and I were playing , he started randomly yelling at the woman across the street . It was my first real experience with racial hatred . One of the things he told the woman was to go back to where she came from . He also criticized her English speaking abilities . Watching this , I was confused . I wondered if I was supposed to hate Indian people just because they were Indian . At the same time , I felt sad for the woman , because I felt she didn 't do anything to us and was just minding her own business . Even more surprising , I felt sad for my friend because he was so full of hatred and anger . That very same day , Nick and I walked to my house . It must have been a Saturday , because my dad was in the front yard , fixing the flower bed in front of our house . When Nick saw my Japanese father , he started yelling at him too ! I couldn 't believe it . I had never heard the word " Jap " before . I thought my father was going to kill this kid . But my father was calm and patient . It was as if my father had experienced this many times before . Like water , he absorbed the hateful remarks and seemed to realize Nick was just a kid and the hatred must have been built into him from his environment . My father never talked to me about this incident . It was as if it never happened . I didn 't know how to process all these things that had just happened to me . A few days later , Nick and I went to the creek behind our house . I don 't know why I even decided to still hang out with him . Maybe I thought I could forgive him for attacking my dad . Maybe I thought I could save him from his hatred through our friendship . I don 't know . It was not uncommon for us kids to play with the tadpoles in one season and watch over time as they grew into frogs . And this day , Nick and I set out to catch some frogs . I can barely remember the incident . I can barely remember what he said to me . But for the first time , in the entire time we were friends , he started yelling at me and calling me names . I don 't know how it happened but I picked up a rock from the creek and slammed him in the face . I don 't know if I was protecting myself or if I was retaliating for how he attacked my dad . But I didn 't stop . I hit him again and again and again . I wanted to make sure that nothing negative ever came out of that mouth again . And when I finally stopped out of exhaustion , Nick wasn 't moving . He was laying on the ground underneath me . Reality kicked in . What had I just done ? What would happen to my family ? I didn 't know what else to do , but I rolled Nick 's body over a few feet and watched as his body rolled down from the top of the creek straight to the bottom . His body fell into a shallow pool of water below . Then , I dug a hole at the top of the creek and kicked an avalanche of dirt down the hill . I dug and I dug and I dug until the whole pool of water was covered with dirt . I knew that Nick would eventually be found . I knew that my life would forever be changed . So all I could do was run home . At home , everything turned to slow motion . I have never experienced a longer day in my life . And that night , I waited . I waited for something . I waited for anything . A question about where I was all day . A question about whether I had seen Nick . I must have stayed awake the whole night , as my heart and mind raced wondering when everything would be brought to light . But somehow a day passed . Then , a week . Then , a month . I would pass by Nick 's house on the way to school . No one asked about him . There were no police cars , no search parties , no press clippings featuring his mother on the front page . I didn 't understand it . Looking back , perhaps people thought Nick had run away . I still don 't know . By the end of the school year , Nick 's mother had moved away . I never saw Nick 's mother again . I don 't understand how Nick 's body was never found . Or perhaps it was . Perhaps it became a week long investigation that was shoved under the rug and wrapped up as a violent gang crime . Perhaps reality was right in front of people 's eyes but they refused to face it . After all , the neighborhood and school district were so pleasant . Who would want to tarnish that reputation ? I grew up with Amy . She lived down the street from me on Ione Lane out in San Jose . She was my first love , albeit it was only puppy love . Everyday as I came home from school , I would sneak out of my packed house to go see her . Amy was an only child and seemed to have great parents , although I never really saw them as a family unit . We used to love hiding under the bed together and it seemed like we could play for hours together . All I remember was that I was completely drawn to her . Then , one day , Amy 's family just upped and moved away . I never got to find out why life would take one of the greatest relationships away from me at such a young age . It wasn 't until years later that I found out the truth about Amy . The truth was that she lived with her divorced mother who had remarried . The whole time I knew her as a child , Amy was being molested by her step father . According to Amy , her mother knew what was happening but never did anything to protect her child . In fact , her mother seemed to grow bitter and angry , rather than comforting . When Amy was 17 she finally moved out of her house . She never figured out why life would put her in the situation it did . She had no control over her upbringing and she was forced to go through what seemed like many lifetimes , always on guard and afraid . To live knowing that she was defiled , that she was wrong , that she would never be made complete again . This feeling drove Amy with guilt and resentment , a need to purify herself , to perfect the injustice that occurred to her . To prove her self worth , she focused on achievement . Outside , Amy seemed like the perfect girl . She did well in school and was driven . She attended church regularly and seemed to be involved in every ministry . But Amy continued to feel a void in her life . She decided to start dating . It was not hard for Amy to meet men because she had never really gotten along with other girls . All her friends seemed to be men . For several years , she dated on and off , looking for something special . And then Amy met Edward . Edward was an amazing man . He was bold and fearless . He was beautiful . He was popular . It seemed like Edward could just light up a room with his conversations and as Edward would speak , Amy would just watch and fall more and more in love with him . She had never felt such an intense desire to be with someone . To be near him . To be with him . But things changed . As life seemed to take Amy back into reality , she realized the relationship with Edward was not what she had envisioned . She enjoyed his company and wanted to talk , to go beyond the superficial but he never did . She wanted to save herself for marriage , to keep herself pure , but Edward wasn 't on the same page . Then , one evening everything changed . Amy and Edward were sitting in the living room chatting . The room was tense and filled with a silence that seemed to echo across the walls . Amy was confused and tried to drag Edward out . To understand him . To feel what he was feeling . She wanted to be near him , to help him , to stay connected with him . But the awkward moments seemed to just continue throughout the night . The walls stayed up . " Where did my Edward go ? " Amy thought . She knew she was in love with him but he didn 't seem to be in love with her . Amy walked over to Edward and sat next to him . " I love you , " she said . She leaned over to kiss him and he kissed her back . For a moment , the old spark seemed to ignite but as things started to become more intense and Edward began to grab Amy , she stopped his hands from their exploration of uncharted territory . Frustrated , Edward stopped . He looked at her , echoing the words that seem to haunt Amy to this day , " Look , if you aren 't ever going to have sex with me , why are we even together ? " Amy didn 't know how to react . She didn 't feel loved , she felt like a piece of meat . Something to be tossed to the side . But she couldn 't control her heart . She was in love . " Edward , you know how I feel , " she stated . " I am thinking about the long term , I am thinking about us . " His eyes seemed to glaze over , and she knew he wasn 't listening . " Look , " Edward said , " I am cheating on you . I met another woman , who is willing to give me the physical affection that I need . " Amy was shocked . She didn 't know how to react . All she could do was sit there in silence . " I think we need to break up , " Edward continued . Amy couldn 't remember anything after those words . It may have been a few hours or it could have been two minutes . But that night , Edward walked out of Amy 's life forever . Amy was heart broken . All of her feeling 's of inadequacy came flooding back to her . She felt this gut wrenching pain in her stomach . A knot so deep . A physical pain so strong , she sometimes couldn 't breath . " Was I not good enough ? " " Was I not beautiful enough ? " , she asked herself . Amy 's pain only caused her to go deeper into her spiritual walk . She learned to retreat into the safety of God 's arms . Two years passed before Amy decided to date again . She promised herself that she would never love someone as much as they loved her . That she would be strong and never allow herself to be hurt again . A few years later , Amy met Tom . Tom was madly in love with Amy and Amy felt safe with him . They started their family together . Her children and their comfortable life seemed to give Amy the atmosphere she needed to heal from her childhood wounds . To heal from her broken heart . She felt secure in Tom 's love . Fifteen years passed , when Amy finally realized something was missing in her life . She seemed to have everything that she had dreamed . She had a great husband , beautiful kids . A happy wonderful life . But something was missing . Out of a series of somewhat coincidental events , Amy and I finally met again . Our shared history started the connection . And we built from there . At first , we just exchanged messages to each other from time to time . But over time , we started connecting more and more . Then , we started seeing each other . We would steal time throughout the day and night , any free moment that came available in our busy lives . I was not naive . I knew the relationship between Amy and I was unhealthy , for both Amy and myself . It was a ticking time bomb waiting to happen . I knew I had to do something drastic to break this cycle . To break this pattern . Before Amy did something she would regret . One night , Amy and I were hiking . We found a resting point along the trail . I told Amy , " There is something I need to tell you . " " But I need to ask you a favor . I need you to actually listen to what I am about to tell you . I need you to consider the words that I am about to speak . You will want to fight what I have to say and what I am about to say will be hard to tell you . " " No , " I replied , " What I am about to say , will be hard to hear , and I want you to know that I am not a threat . That as I speak , you are in complete control . I promise that I will not make a pass at you . And I promise you will want to hear what I have to say . " Everything in Amy told her that this was crazy . That this should not be happening . But for whatever reason , perhaps curiosity , she stayed sitting . She couldn 't even look at me , as I sat kneeling on the ground , completely exposed . Naked and vulnerable . " Amy , I am going to offer you my perspective . I have to tell you ahead of time that it will not all be true . But I have to tell you that there will be some truth in what I am about to tell you . Please , let me finish my thoughts , and say what I need to say . " " Amy , you are one of the most beautiful women I have ever met . Everything about you is captivating . From your smile , to your beautiful eyes , to your soft and kind and wonderful heart . But I don 't want you to see you as I see you . I want you to see you as God sees you . " " When you were young , the man who molested you . I can 't imagine the pain that must have caused you . The insecurities , the years of counseling . Never feeling safe . But I think that God provides everything in our life for a reason . Pain can be the pathway to growth . And perhaps , what he was trying to say , through this , was that while man can defile your physical body , and you may have no control over that , only you can defile your spiritual being . And you do have control over that . Sometimes in life , what we can 't control causes so much pain . I think it is supposed to point us back to what we can control . " " And your mother , out of her own brokenness , her own insecurities , the belief that she was not good enough for a good man . She allowed this to happen because she truly believed that she would never find another man . Her brokenness from her divorce . And she grew bitter and angry towards you because you would serve as an ever present reminder of her limiting belief . Every time she looked at you , she would be reminded that she allowed you to be hurt , just so she could bandage her own hurts . She would be reminded of being left through her divorce . Out of self preservation , she blamed you for everything . " " But you are not to blame . You are worth so much more . You are one of God 's greatest gifts to this world . And sometimes we see our own brokenness , and knowing that we fall short , we sabotage our own success . We have a desire to be punished because deep down we know we are no good , that an evil lives within us . And you may have questioned your own value , day in and day out , wondering why your boyfriend , Edward , cheated on you and broke your heart . But I want to tell you , it was your beauty , your great spirit , the image of God in you . It served as a mirror reflection , like a bright flashlight , shining on his own imperfections , his own weaknesses . A daily reminder , that deep down , out of guilt and shame , he knew he didn 't deserve you . It was not your inadequacy that caused him to cheat . It was the overwhelmingly pure heart that you have , despite what you have gone through , that he just couldn 't accept into his life , because of his own brokenness . " " You are captivating . I have never met a woman so captivating . But deep down , your boyfriend believed that he would never have the happy ending . It caused an anxiety to build up , that he just could not hold up anymore . So he engaged in self destructive behavior , to prove through a self fulfilling prophesy that he would lose you . " " So , where does that leave you today . Today , fifteen years trying to mend a broken heart . You are now torn . Part of you wishes you had more courage when you were young . That you would have sought after your true love . And now , you feel you will never have that opportunity again and it saddens you . I represent the boyfriend that you never had . The love that you let get away in your life , because you were afraid to love . Because you were afraid to give it your all . I represent the made up image of what true love looks like . That somehow , in winning my favor and my heart , you will prove to yourself that you could have had the best of both worlds . That you actually deserve true love . " " But I want you to know . You can have me . I am a no good nothing from nowhere and you would be the most beautiful woman I have ever been intimate with . But for you , it would be chasing a false reality . The truth is that the heart is deceitful . And you deserve so much more that what I can give you . " " You are missing something though . The rift in your heart has caused love diversification . You once gave your heart , gave everything to one man only to have it destroyed . Because of that , you have a layer of protection surrounding your heart . You won 't go deeper . You are afraid to love again . So you diversify . You have one aspect of love with Tom , representing a family love , a love of commitment . And rather that put all your eggs into a single basket , you grab the other aspects of love from other sources . Me , for instance . Rather than opening your heart in your marriage to receive the love that is already there . To find the passionate love , that is there , you have placed your marriage into a box , where there is only secure love . " " To be with you , would be to take the greater gift of what God had intended for you . To take the plan , he , the patient God that he is , had orchestrated through 40 years of life to give you . The gift , that without your past , he could not deliver to you . What you are searching for is not outside your marriage . It is not even within your marriage . What you are seeking , is within you . It has been within you this whole time . " " It is even greater than the love you had for your boyfriend . You have an opportunity to find a new love that includes the passionate love . But at the same time , it introduces a new element of sacrificial love , a vulnerable love . See , the love you had for your boyfriend , Edward , was given without knowing how deeply you could get hurt . If you knew ahead of time , you would have protected yourself . But today , you have a choice . You have a choice to love , in a truer sense . To love like you 're not scared . " Amy sat there in silence . I never knew if she allowed herself to experience the kind of love I was talking about . Or if she even understood what I was trying to tell her . All I know , was that in that instance , I was allowed to love . And that was the last time I ever saw Amy again .

The ship swayed and creaked . He feels every bit of it in his body . Taking no chances the crew , damnedable pirates , have chained him with no give . Legs bound in a kneeling position , arms chained to either wall crucifying him to the ship like a perverse figurehead , he 's been their captive long enough to have forgotten the feel of kindness . It is a small blessing that their fear of him keeps his gag in place at all times . It keeps them from coming anywhere near him . The captain learned a long time ago that he gleans all he needs to live from the moisture in the air , the brine in his eyes . During storms , when he is strongest , the captain posts guards with him . They don 't look at him . A terrible hope fills him today . By the movement of the ship and the crew 's curses , he knows that they 're being pursued by another ship . This ship is a runner , fast . There 'd be little concern of capture if the ship did not gain its quickness from being light , gain its lightness from having little room for armaments or supplies . The pursuers have had them going for a week now and they 'd been out of port for at least a month . He knows from the panic in the crew that the food is all but gone . Soon they 'll be too weak to load what small guns are aboard . He 'd be surprised if they could remember how to sight the cannons it 's been so long since the captain has ordered them used . His hope stems from the pirates ' desperation . If they succumb to practicality then they 'll come for him . With frightened hearts and shaking hands , they 'll undo his chains and he 'll get to spend some time under the sky instead of under foot . So he waits for their desperation to bloom practicality . It does not take long . The first mate comes with three guards and the keys . It is always the first mate that comes to get him . The captain coming himself would make him a person that the captain fears , he wouldn 't last long once that got out among the crew . The first mate is the only one he trusts with the keys to his chains . " The captain wants to see you . " He speaks with a unique accent that comes with the ship 's pidgin of French , Spanish , and Greek . His ears hear the gibberish , but his mind provides him with the meaning . Slowly , they unchain his arms from the ship and secure them behind his back . The guards are afraid to touch him , unsure whether he 'll break or they 'll be infected with something . It strikes him as odd how religious some of these men are . Coming onto the deck , sea spray hits him in the face , covers his bare chest . He instantly feels more alive . He stands taller , muscles flex , the chains bite into his skin . They take him to the captain , standing at the aft of the ship . He stands beside the captain looking out at the wide ocean , the only thing marring their perfect view of the horizon the pursuers . The first mate and guards fold themselves into the three other men standing around them . The captain just stands there for a few minutes , ignoring him . This too is done to show the crew he will do this in his own time , to show that the man he keeps below decks does not frighten him . Around the gag , behind the locked mouth plate , he smiles . Only he and the captain know what he is , and he knows that the captain is frightened of that . " I have use of you . " From under his coat he draws out the key that only he is allowed to keep . He inserts into lock for the face plate . " If you hurt this ship my men will stab you and you will die before you can swim for freedom . Like always , yeah ? " He nods . It 's always the same threat . It vaguely occurs to him that this is only a half life . But then , the spirits would kill for half a life . The plate falls away and he spits the wooden wedge from his mouth . His tongue sticks out , tasting the salt in the air . He flexes his jaw , taking in the blue sky , the white clouds , the gentle waves . He smiles at the captain . Other than the crew 's swords there is very little compelling him . Finally , the captain 's annoyance at the delay shows on his face . He focuses on ship on the horizon . He tries not to think of the men on the ship . He knows he will have to answer for his actions one day , but he 's trying to postpone that day for as long as possible . " I 'm fine . Sorry . " The cabby 's eyes dart from the road to the rearview mirror and back . " I 'm good . I 'm okay . " The cabby 's eyes return to the road and stay there , Lawrence was prepared to keep reassuring him for the rest of the drive as long as he didn 't take his eyes off the road . " That jetlag 's a bitch , isn 't it ? " " Yeah , jetlag . " He doesn 't really feel like talking so he looks out the window . What he sees unsettles him so much that he almost closes his eyes again . Outside the cab desert stretched on for miles . When he 'd met the cabby at the airport he 'd been fine . They 'd been in the middle of a city . He preferred the buildings and people to the endless dry expanse . He tried to think of it as a sea of earth but it just made him queasy . He can 't help it , he closes his eyes . " We 're almost there , " the cabby rouses him . " If I 'd of known I wouldn 't have let you sleep at all . You wouldn 't believe how many people fall asleep in my cab from the airport . " The cabby keeps up a steady stream of chitchat for the next few minutes . Lawrence doesn 't say much , but he 's glad for the distraction . " Here we go , buddy . " He pulls up in front of an independent diner . Lawrence can tell the sign was made with care when it was painted , years in the desert sun has faded it badly . " They got good food here ? " " I don 't know . This is my first time here . " He pays the fare and steps out of the air - conditioned interior . His lips are immediately dry and cracked . The heat cuts him to the core as fast as it dried his lips , the urge to speak rises in him . He needs to escape this heat , he 's drowning in dryness . He rushes inside hoping that they 'll have air - conditioning . No such luck . The interior of the restaurant is as faded as the exterior . He seats himself , impatiently tapping his foot waiting for the waitress . He can hear the sound of the wind . Not the dry , lifeless wind of the desert , but the damp , alive wind of the storm . It 's calling to him , begging him to call out . He licks his lips with a tongue he can barely feel . He can 't help himself , the desert is antithesis for him . Why had he decided to come here ? To satisfy some adolescent curiosity ? He takes one long , shuttering breath . " The special , two of them , just bring me a pitcher of water . " His throat feels so dry . He has to speak now before he loses his chance . " Hmph ! " With blurry vision he watches her flounce back to the kitchen . He grabs the edge of the table to steady himself . He 's clenching his jaw by the time she comes back with a glass for him . He swallows half of it . The cool liquid fills him , calming him . Vision clears , hands stop shaking , the urge lessening . The torrent of wind in his ears shifts to a gentle breeze . How close had he come ? The waitress turns to leave again , he grabs her arm . " Can I get you anything else ? " She says it in such a way that makes Lawrence wonder if it 's actually a question . She tired of him he can tell . She 's too used to bullying the locals . He doesn 't trying to be nice to her , he just takes out a fifty and lays it on the table . " This is your tip if you keep bringing me pitchers of water . " Her eyes gleam slightly as she stares at the bill on the table . Slowly she puts the pitcher on the table . " Thank you . " He drains the rest of his glass and pours another . He finishes this one in three huge gulps . He doesn 't feel as trapped now , his breathing has evened out . He fills the glass a third time , finishing off the pitcher , but only sips this one . A couple minutes pass , the waitress brings his two specials and another pitcher . Lawrence only picks at his food . Between the desert and the age of the equipment in the diner the food is completely dry . Mainly he just cuts up the food and moves it around on his plate . Mainly he watches the people in the restaurant . He immediately discounts his waitress . Seeing her move around the diner , speaking with her , she 's spent most of her life trying to get away from this place . It 's a pity that she 'd never really feel like she belongs anywhere . An old man sits in another booth . He is weathered , his countenance telling the story of a life in the desert . Despite the heat of the day he 's drinking coffee . Lawrence would have considered him a likely candidate if his research didn 't tell him he is looking for someone younger . Besides the old man doesn 't look like he belongs here , only that he 's gotten used to living here . It 's an old style diner setup , so Lawrence can see the cook behind the half wall separating the kitchen from the dining area . Cook would be a wonderful job for who he 's looking for . The heat rising from the stove providing a fix for the cravings while at work . Though nothing compared to the natural heat of the desert it would do while at work . Unfortunately the cook is wearing a sleeveless shirt that 's plastered to his body with sweat . Lawrence 's heart falls . He 's not close enough to the cook to pick up a flow from him , but the fact that he 's sweating tells him all he needs to know . It 's possible his sources were wrong . It 's not easy to track a Bearer . The burden / gift they bear making it too hard to get a fix on them . He 's about to get up , throwing the contents of his glass down his throat , when the kitchen door swings open and a young man steps through . Lawrence puts his cup down and watches him . Something in the way he moves is different . Somehow his movements come off as light , almost bouncy . Even just clearing dishes from tables , his movements are quick , precise . He wears a t - shirt , jeans , and boots , all are cheap , but he still has an air of status . Lawrence notes that he 's not sweating . He looks up , checking for more stray dishes . Lawrence motions him over . " You finished with this , mister ? " Lawrence inhales and catches the scent of aged stone . " Sorry , mister , I 'm just here for the dishes . You 'll want to try Craiper St . around ten tonight . " He grabs a plate , Lawrence grabs his wrist . Sun … Heat … Dry … Sand … Lawrence pulls his hand away , palm red . Perspiration stands out on the young man 's brow now , fear in his eyes . He slides into the booth across from Lawrence . Lawrence pours another glass of water and waits for the boy to say something . " I 'm on break ! " She throws up her hands and goes back into the kitchen . Tito smiles at Lawrence . " Let 's go outside . " Lawrence downs his water and follows him out and around the diner . " I 'm Benjamin Fuller , but everyone calls me , Tito . Now who the hell are you ? " It 's a fair question . If he doesn 't know what he is then he 's probably really freaked out . Lawrence can 't blame him , he 's been there . " Ha , not likely , man . " Tito looks skeptical , very skeptical . There 's at least fifteen years between them . And while Tito isn 't a full blooded Mexican , Lawrence can tell at least one of his parents is , while Lawrence couldn 't be more white without being an albino . It 's hard to believe . " I don 't mean biologically . I mean spiritually . " Tito 's face is instantly serious . " You can feel it , can 't you ? That subtle , tickling at the back of your brain that makes you feel like you know me , even while at your core I unsettle you . " " Yes . " Tito looks so relieved that it breaks Lawrence 's heart . He knows what it 's like to finally have this explained . Lawrence had spent three years in a mental hospital trying to deal by himself . Tito is a strong young man . " Where is there open desert ? " Tito points down an alley . Lawrence starts walking , Tito doesn 't need to be told to follow , he falls into step next to Lawrence careful not to touch him . They come out the other end of the alley seeing open land . For Lawrence it 's as close to nothing as he ever wants to get . Longing fills Tito 's eyes . " I want to share something with you . Watch out there . " Lawrence takes a deep breath and centers himself . The urge to speak has been growing since they stepped out of the diner , the dryness creeping in to all his dark places . Tito 's hands fly up to cover his ears . " Ah ! What the hell ? " FLASH ! BOOM ! The thunder cuts off any further curses . Tito 's gaze is drawn out to the desert , where black storm clouds have formed out of nowhere . The fear is back in his eyes , he retreats till his back hits the wall to the building . " What have you done ? " " I spoke my Word . We 're Word Bearers , Tito . You have your own . Can you feel it ? Deep in core . " Lawrence can see he 's confused . He 's frightened , overwhelmed . FLASHBOOM ! " You can stop this , Tito . Go ahead . Say your Word . I want to hear it . " " I don 't … I 'm not sure . " Confusion and fear war on Tito 's face . Lawrence hopes he won 't run . He didn 't mean to scare the boy . " Of course you 're sure . You 've known it for centuries , you just haven 't spoken it yet . It 's okay . I 'm here with you . " His first step is hesitant , his second is firm , his third is confident . Lawrence realizes he 's holding his breath . Tito looks up at him , he nods . Tito fixes his gaze on the storm . " " There it is . It 's as quiet as Lawrence 's Word is loud , but no less powerful . It 's so beautiful . As Lawrence watches the storm clouds dissipate a tear rolls down his cheek . 2 Dad suffered even from a sight of blood , and he never killed a hen nor slaughtered a pig . But I was aware that once he had donated his blood in the name of my Mum still , because she 'd had a narrow escape on an operating table then . With me a doctor would have my blood tested in a moment : one , two and it 's done . But first they make you ready for rather a time : take a seat , then have a proper finger chosen , though it is always just the one , then they wipe it with spirits until take somewhat sharp like a mini - scalpel . Not everyone can stand the procedure , but I was not against it when a doctor suggested me having my blood tested . She was a likable one , youngish for her age , not married or divorced , probably . And she had no child , I felt it immediately , she had such a look , barren if you want . Possibly for health reasons she could not bear a child or she didn 't find a right man . Or she could have a particular blood group not to have a child with anyone , that 's why she employed at a doctor 's consulting room to make blood tests . And she urged me to have my blood tested . At first I didn 't mind it , the right thing it is , still she didn 't ask my permission . " Just let 's have your blood tested " , she said and left me . She had many things to do I suppose . In doctor 's smocks they walked hither and thither all the time at a clinic there talking over the heads of those waiting , as if one was dead already . And I was still alive and a nurse was preparing to have my blood tested . While she got me ready she was chattering . She said that men were afraid of blood testing nowadays . More and more they refused to do it and ran away sometimes seeing a drop of blood . And one had nothing to fear , there was a couch behind the curtain in a special emergency to lie low , in case one fainted . She pulled the white curtain aside and showed me a couch with dark green leatherette and I shivered all at once : what for they needed my blood ? She suggested me taking off a jacket and rolling up my sleeve , left or right one , I don 't rMy Bio : Mr . Valery Petrovskiy is a journalist and short story writer from Russia . Не is an English Department graduate at Chuvash State University , Cheboksary , graduated in journalism at VKSch Higher School , Moscow and in psychology at Kazan State Technology University . He has been writing prose since 2005 . Some of his writing has been published in The Scrambler , Rusty Typer , BRICKrethoric , NAP Magazine , Literary Burlesque , The Other Room , Curbside Quotidian , DANSE MACABRE , WidowMoon Press , PRIME MINCER , Apocrypha and Abstractions , The Legendary in the USA , and in Australian " Skive " and " Going Down Swinging " magazines . At the moment he is writer - in - residence at Marco Polo Art Mag . It 's dark in here . That 's because I live at the bottom of the jewellery box along with the other outcasts : the tangled necklace with the broken lobster claw and teddy pendant she got for her eleventh birthday , along with the bracelet that 's missing a couple of gem stones . She always says she will have them repaired but never does , preferring to spend the money on more fashionable pieces instead that imitate Asian and Oriental designs . An untrained eye might imagine that they were found by a back - packer on their travels , but they weren 't . They can be bought from any shop on the high - street , and are merely echoes of worlds she 's never seen . Not all of us down here are broken though . I 'm not , and neither is the engagement ring she got from Mark , ( who eventually cheated on her with Shannon from Reception , ) or the belly bar she took out when she put weight on and decided looked too young for her anyway . The ones at the top who get worn more often pity us , ( ' how boring it must be , ' they say to each other in whispers they think we can 't hear , ' being cooped up down there , month in , month out , ' ) but in a way they 're jealous . As I 've said , you could buy them in their hundreds if you wanted to , and they are without sentimental value like the childhood necklace or the belly bar that reminds her of her wild teens and early twenties . They 're easily replaced and she gives them away when they become outdated - or chucks them if even her younger sister and the charity shops say no , thanks . She doesn 't like Mark 's ring or me , so it isn 't often that her fingers dig through the chunky bangles and strings of beads to bring me to the surface . It happens maybe three or four times a year when she has arranged to visit The Matriarch . The ring doesn 't even get a look in . Why Mark wouldn 't let her give it back to him so that he could give it to someone he did love is beyond us ; at least that way it would have been enjoyed . All the same , seeing as I 'm an heirloom and the ring is eighteen carat white goPerhaps you imagine I get bitter when the voices of the favoured ones float above my head , chattering away about their ventures out of the box : days at work , dinners , dates , parties and who was there , who wasn 't there , what she wore … you get the drift . Or worse , maybe you feel sorry for me . I 'd rather you didn 't . Pity the rest but not me . I 'm not so keen on their weight pressing down on me but I don 't mind the dark . In fact I quite like it . It reminds me of home , my real one , from before I met people . As for being bitter , you can rule that out . I 'm a pearl , darling ; it 's not in my nature . You lot have seen me as a symbol of love for thousands of years and I do try to live up to my name by being kind - although I cannot help but wince sometimes at the irony , given that the first person I ever met died . Don 't look at me like that ; it wasn 't my fault . But that 's why she doesn 't like me . All the same , when you 've being kept in a family for over a century you do take an interest in your present owner , even if it 's not reciprocated , so I enjoy listening to the young ones ' gossip . Let them have their fun while they still can . The best they can hope for is a place in a child 's dressing - up box in just a few , short years so they might as well enjoy it . 2 . Memories . I might be old - fashioned and be from a past that she and you would rather forget , but I 'm not like your kind . I will endure and outlive the others , her - even you . And I never forget . My memory doesn 't grow weak with age , it gets stronger . I can still smell what my home was like ; still feel the movements of the person who found me when he panicked and rushed too quickly to the top , and the urgent , grasping hand of the first , but different person to ever touch me , as though I 'd only stopped smelling and feeling them a minute ago . The memories of my owners and the events in their lives play like the films you are so fond of ; the moment when her grandfather proposed to her grandmother , and the christening of her mother , they are a3 . Before she grew up . I suppose you think it strange that her grandmother , ( or The Matriarch as she jokingly calls her , ) skipped a generation and gave me to someone who doesn 't like me , but it never used to be this way . When she was little and used to visit her grandmother she would ask , ( very politely after giving her a peck on the cheek , ) if she could play with her jewellery box . The answer was always yes , and she would very carefully hunt through the diamonds and gold to find me , pin me to her jumper and wear me for the rest of the time she was there . It became something of a ritual , to the point where her grandmother began to pick me out herself and would put me on the coffee table ready for when she arrived . When she was eighteen , The Matriarch had a heart attack , and fearing that she would never leave hospital , insisted on the girl 's mother driving for two hours to get me , so that she could give me to her personally before it was too late . They were very close , and still are in spite of the distance , for she survived against all the odds . Whenever she goes to see her she always comments on how lovely it is , seeing her granddaughter all grown up , wearing her old brooch that 's always been her favourite . And I was for a time . Traditionally I was only worn for a special or significant occasion , but when she was at college I had the strange but enjoyable experience of being put in her pocket and going with her , and if she felt nervous about something her fingers would slide down to stroke me . Normally I hated people manhandling me , but I didn 't mind in her case - it was better than her biting her nails . It was almost as if she thought that having me with her would stop something bad happening - and I have been viewed as ' lucky . ' Stop sniggering , it 's true . In the days of knights and sword - fighting , we would be worn when the rich and noble went into battle because they thought we would protect them from harm , so don 't laugh at her . It felt good , being wanted , and I have to confess I came in danger You don 't like being reminded of your past - those days of glory when Britain ruled half the world . I think that 's why you apologise so much , and give more than you can afford to charities trying to save the poor and starving around the globe . It 's almost as though you 're trying to make up for all the wrongs done before you were born . And I 've tried to avoid talking about it in case you ran away - I get lonely sometimes and it 's nice having someone to talk to . But you can 't run forever , things have to be faced eventually . Some of you may already know and may already be trying to shut out the sound of my words by turning your thoughts to the plans you 've made for the weekend , but there 'll be a lot of you who don 't . There are lots of happy anecdotes from my owners ' lives I could have told you but this is the one you need to hear : My story . We are not like your kind , but there is one thing we have in common : just as you can 't remember coming out of the womb , we don 't know what it was like being a grain of sand or piece of shell squeezing our way inside an oyster and hardening ; all I remember is being . There were no thoughts , for when you live inside a shell there isn 't a great deal to think about - nothing happens . That probably sounds dull to you but there was no sadness , no pain or death . It was peaceful , just being . I didn 't know this at the time but even nothing has to come to an end eventually : the day would always have come when I would be found . It will be hard for you to understand what it was like being taken out of water , hearing sounds , seeing colours and light - all for the first time . On paper it sounds great , this explosion of life , but the reality was frightening - and even fear was something I had never heard of or felt before . Maybe that 's why your newborns usually cry when they come out , because they 're scared and want to go back . I 'm trying to think of ways to describe how it was to you , and the only way I can think of is for you to imagine an ancient Egyptian being placed in the middle of a supermarket . That might give you a better idea , but even that doesn 't come close . I 've learnt a lot since then - ( I 've had to , I didn 't have any other choice - ) but there 's one thing I 've never been able to get my head around , and that is time . Your lives are ruled by clocks and diaries telling you when deadlines or birthdays are due , but when you have so much time whole years , even decades can pass you by . Forgive me then , if I am a little hazy on dates . What I can tell you is that I was brought to the surface in the late 1800s , which makes me special . There aren 't many of us that come from nature now . Most are made by man in bulk on farms . Things changed . You suddenly became concerned about human life and diving equipment got better . Both meant that the world 's poor no were no longer forced to hold their breaths for comments » I knew that someone important was going to walk into my life at 12 : 15 , just after I normally drink tea and prepare for an slow day working on the horoscope . Now , maybe you might not believe me . After all , I am a professional charlatan . But I knew something was up , because for the last two weeks every prediction I have made actually worked out . It started when I saw Mrs Henderson . She was a fat woman , an unpleasant woman , a great client . Like most people who wanted a reading , she didn 't want the truth . And normally I didn 't give it to her . I pulled out the equipment . It was a plain set . It looked like bone china , but was made in china for a very low price . Mrs Henderson looked impressed anyway . She had a lot of money , and not a lot of sense . Anyway , I started reading the information contained in the tea leafs . And then the world went blank . When I returned to the world , Mrs Henderson was gone . I walked out of the shop I had rented , and another of the shopkeepers came up to me . He was normally an quiet , amicable chap . This time he looked like he wanted to throttle me . " She came out of here . Howling and crying , like you 'd tried to kill her . " he put his face up to mine , " You ever do it again and I 'll . . " " I don 't know what you 're talking about , " and I backed away from him . He stalked off . I walked back to my shop , ready to wait for my next appointment . Mrs Abbot didn 't come . She left a nervous message on my answer phone . At the time I didn 't realise why . Because I had no other clients for the day , I went home . My mouth opened wide . It was such a shock , it seemed like I 'd just been told I was about to die . And then . Then I was in my bed , looking at the ceiling . The police officers had gone . But it felt more real than a dream . It must have been a dream . Yeah , that was what it was , I convinced myself . Although I should have known better . In Ireland you can make a full time living as a psychic . less so in England . The English wouldn 't even pay you if you could predict the lottery . So I also work as a pitchman . Which , if you think about it , is just another way to make a dishonest buck . I walked to the nearest boot sale , and set up . It isn 't too crowded in the morning . And everyone is busy . So I crawl in through the hedge . They don 't know that I 'm there against the rules . I set up . My table is old fashioned . A suitcase with legs you fold out . Like the true pitchmen of the 50 's . My pitch is the worm . They wiggle around my hand , like they are alive . The fools in the crowd gave me money . That is what they are for . She had the longest blondest hair this side of fairyland , and her smile lights up the room like a flashlight . And I knew I am meant to talk to her . Just now . She walked off . I had the sense she is in trouble . She was poorer than she used to be , her clothes were expensive , but last years fashion . I had a feeling I will meet her again . When I got there , there was Mrs Henderson and her husband . Their eyes were red . They had been crying . I couldn 't understand what they were there for . I managed to get them to leave . At first I thought that the gossip would help me . But the truth is , no one wants to go to a psychic that tells them the truth . Life is hard enough . You go to a psychic to hear lies . I made some money as a pitchman , so it didn 't affect me too much . But I kept on having bad dreams . I kept on seeing people I knew in them . Not just that , I saw how they died . Their pain . And I started to write down what I saw . In a book by my bedside cabinet . The extra time I had meant I was drinking more too . It was like I 'd been cursed . But the worst was the Christians . They decided that these dreams were inspired by Satan . They set up the picket line in front of my office . I started to think I should simply leave . On Wednesday , the cleaner came in . She was a nosy parker . And no mistake . Her husband had died a few years back , and she was interested in everything . While it 's not the way she put it , she was very interested in the diary . All the details of the different murders and deaths I 'd seen . All the factual details that no one else other than the murderer could know . She took it to the police , and they read it , and they got their warrant . I arrived back at the normal time , and nothing was different . The book was there . I didn 't notice the surveillance cameras . Not at all . They broke in that night . It wasn 't a dream . And I looked up to them bleary eyed , a gun pointing in my face , and swore . They dragged me towards the back of the car , and I noticed someone had decided to give the press warning . So it was very public . Once in , they took me right there . And kitted me out in fetching jail clothing , since I was still in pyjamas . This was the first time I was in jail , and I can tell you it is not as bad as some people say . There is an odd vinegar smell , hiding other bodily fluids . And it is never quiet . There is always shouting going on , and doors slammed . But it was no worse than some hotels I 've been in while performing . I looked across at my lawyer . Short , thin , balding and bored . The police officer had my diary in front of him . He picked it up . " In it , you 've got the details of dozens of murders . Information the police hasn 't released to the public . Information . . . dare I say it , in some cases that the police didn 't even know themselves . " And that was it . That was the full content of the interview . I was hustled off into the cell , and ended up waiting for days . In telephone conversations with friends , I knew the police were digging up my life . I was given a notebook , and a pen , and I continued to write down my dreams . I thought I might as well . The police would search my cell every now and again , and confiscate them . They even moved me to solitary . Made sure no one could be feeding me this information . Or , presumably , that I wasn 't ordering the killings . But the dreams continued . They were getting worse and worse . Every morning I woke up feeling like I had not slept . I guess at least things looked up , because they took me from prison . They drove me along country lanes , towards a building . I can 't tell you precisely where it was . It just looked like an old school to be honest . You 'd never have guessed it was an intelligence headquarters . They bundled me out into an empty building . You 've heard of the secret prisons . Well , they are true . They dressed me up in a uniform , tagged my ankle , and locked me in a cage . The only thing they gave me was some paper and a pen to write down my dreams . Sometimes people came to research me . They put me in scanners , and gave me all kinds of medical tests . The results were unsurprising . I was just a normal , healthy individual . And that was how it seemed I was destined to live for the rest of my life . Until I started to hear the voices . They were low . Just like someone was talking in the next room . Distant . And I couldn 't make them out . That night I was tossing and turning , and I heard someone shout out my name . I woke up . No one was there . Then I tried to get asleep again , and managed it . But the voice was insistent . Nothing answered me . The guards walked past my cell . But with the dreams and the voices , I was getting no sleep . It started to affect me so badly I would not even eat food . Within a few days I was exhausted . Mentally and physically drained . And I guess that is what the creatures wanted . Because soon they broke through . It 's hard to tell you how it felt . But if you have ever had a moment of shock , when you suddenly feel like you aren 't there , you 'll know . He said his name . And then the voice faded away . But I knew I had to do precisely what he told me . I 'd go mad otherwise . Maybe I was already mad . The opportunity came sooner than I expected . My handlers were getting anxious . I was producing less predictions than normal , and the federal conviction rate was plummeting through the floor . The handlers looked like model citizens . Dark suits , a man and a woman dressed formally , like they were lawyers . They flashed their badge to me . I don 't know why , the fact I was in a prison gave them away . The police officer fell back . You could see him working it through in his mind . Despite the success of my predictions , he settled on the conclusion I was mad . After all , psychic phenomena were impossible . He 'd read that once . I shook my head . But that night , I was thinking about it , and decided that I had to ask . Had to have a conversation , if only for my sanity . When the voices started up , I leaned forward in my bed . I asked the question again . But he would say nothing of use to me . he would only repeatedly ask me to find his killers . Not very useful . Eventually , I managed to coax his name from him . Nigel . Not a very good name for a joke . That was the strange thing . No murder victims of that name came up . Not any time soon . But a week later , a Nigel disappeared . And I realised the truth . I looked through the court reports . He had been killed by stabbing . They wouldn 't let me out of the jail . So all I could do was read the files they brought on him . And I got the feeling that many of the details had been redacted . it was like looking for a haystack in an elephant : messy and not very satisfactory . There were only two people I decided who could have done it . They both had a great deal to gain . At the end of the day , though , there is a limit to what you can do from inside a jail cell . The guards looked sceptically at me when I asked for it . But I was responsible for half the murder arrests in the district for the last six months . So they eventually gave me what I wanted . Especially when I refused to furnish them with any more information . I don 't know if you have ever been to a proper séance . Well , to be honest , most of the time the knocks are from the medium . But this time it was different . Within moments of the séance starting , I was aware that the room was colder . Then the entire board lifted off the table , and flew towards me . It hit the wall a few inches from my face . The room warmed up again . The presence was gone . For a little while . " I didn 't " I replied . I knew that he didn 't believe me . But he would have to show more senior people . And I knew they couldn 't afford to risk me . I went back to bed . For the first time in weeks , I had no bad dreams . I guess Nigel knew I understood his message . I slept very soundly . Until the next morning . But my guards didn 't really understand . Or they did not want to understand . My handler met me in the interview room the next morning . He looked tired . Besides him sat a man I hadn 't seen before . He wore the cleanest , most expensive suit I had seen during my stay at the states pleasure . The man stood up . He walked out of the room . Measured , and without menace . But he didn 't seem to be a man used to dealing with no . My handler shook his head . He didn 't need to tell me the consequences . All of a sudden , I was put on suicide watch . Woken up every thirty minutes to see if I wasn 't dead yet . The heating in my cell surprisingly broke . I knew I was in their hands totally . But I never realised what it was like to displease them . You see , Nigel might be a ghost , but that doesn 't mean he is stupid . He can see what is happening . He knows they are stopping me doing what he wants . And this gets him angry . They first times he acted , it looked like coincidence . The guards chair would tilt under him , depositing him on the floor . Or cups of coffee were not placed firmly enough on the table . The guards were spooked by me . They knew that I was able to see things they could not . But although the guards face became pale , his hand on the trigger was steady and firm . It was too late . The chair slammed into the guard . He dropped to the floor . Then I saw the guards keys float from his pocket . My cell door was unlocked . I walked over to the guard , stripped his clothes off , and changed into his uniform . I thought I didn 't have much of a choice . If I didn 't do what Nigel wanted he would kill me . Every door I came to slid open without me doing anything . It would have been creepy if I didn 't know what was happening . Soon the alarms started to ring out . People would be grabbing their guns , getting ready to shoot me . I could feel my heart trying to escape from my chest . I soon arrived at fire exit . It opened in front of me . I climbed down some steps . Below me , I could see coppers swarming . I continued to walk down . One of the coppers recognised me . I ran in the opposite direction . He took aim , and I could hear the gun explode behind me . But the bullet didn 't pierce my skin like I expected . Instead , it ended in the ground . I reached a police car , and the engine came on without anyone doing anything . Then I went into a store and bought black trousers and a white shirt . Got changed . And walked out of the shopping centre , expecting to be caught at any time . In my pocket there was five hundred dollars . That was all I had in the world , except for an insane ghost . I decided it was time to go to the library . After chatting to the librarian for a few seconds , she walked me over to a computer which had copies of the local papers for the last twenty years . I typed a search . At first I found nothing , but as I expanded the search back I found him . According to the interview , he was found murdered in his bed . He had been asleep . His wife had been charged and convicted of his murder . But she said she was innocent . Nothing came in response . I knew that would happen . It was too much to hope for . It was getting late at night . The librarian was fussing near me . It was time to go . When you are a fugitive , it isn 't as simple to find a place to stay as booking a room in a hotel . I walked round , looking for an empty house . It took me an hour . Occasionally a police car would go past . It made me nervous . At one time it would have been a posh bungalow . But whoever had owned it had been taken to a care home , and it was covered in weeds and neglect . I walked up to the door , and it swings open . That is one of the advantages of your own private poltergeist . Inside it was a mess . But dry and water proof . There was a wood burning stove in one room . The power was off , and Nigel didn 't turn it on . But the water was only off at the mains . It was easy enough to get it working again . In the morning I would have to start the process of searching for Nigel Slater . I knew roughly where he lived . I fell asleep , and woke up hungry and cramped . Outside , I could hear rustling . I peeked through the window , and could see a man dressed only in black . He looked like he was not very friendly . I ducked down , but he must have seen me . He edged towards the door . It was locked , but he slammed it open . I hid behind the sofa . it didn 't help . He walked towards me . I noticed he had a poker in his hand . There was no way he wouldn 't find me . I stood up . I looked over at him . He had a long scar down his face . it seemed like he was used to trouble . And he was straining to start a fight . I did what he said . He followed me . I thought he might hit me at any second . or recognise me . They must have put my picture out into the news by now . I sighed with relief , but knew that my location might be passed onto the police . I decided it was time to get out of the town . I caught a bus , and tried to hide my face . Since I hadn 't had a bath for a few days it was easier than you might think . People did not want to look me in the eyes . I arrived at Nigel 's house six hours latter . It was a solemn house . A plane front garden laid to grass , brick frontage , and white windows . It didn 't look like anyone had ever cared for it . It looked like it was a place to sleep and not to stay . It took me a few minutes to settle down , and watch the street . There was nothing extraordinary about it . A few people walked past , taking little interest in the stranger . After watching for half an hour , I knew there was little information here for me . Talking round the local shops I found out that Nigel had been a quiet man . Few people knew him , past his saying hello . he didn 't seem to have been involved in anything wrong . or indeed in anything at all . I decided that there could only really have been one source of trouble . He must have found out something at work . Something that made him worth more to someone dead than alive . I got some annual reports from his company and studied them . Amazing what is available on the internet these days . There was little of interest . I applied to work at Nigel 's company as a cleaner . it was a big risk . I supplied false references , and knew they would not check them for months . That 's the thing about cleaners . No one takes any notice . So I got the job , and examined the work place thoroughly . It looked like an office . The computers were always on . Once or twice I looked over the shoulder of someone working but it was all gobbledygook to me . To make it worse , I saw my face on the newspaper when I went for food . Sure , I looked a lot different now . I had grown longer hair , a beard , and was thinner . But it was still me . I grew suspicious of other people . Then came my big break . Several people were working in the office late . I overhead them speaking about a billion dollar deal . The company was getting bought out . I checked the internet , and there was something in the trade section . The routine was the same every day . But one of my colleagues had not turned up to work . So I was asked to clean the main office . I did so . But I did more than that , I broke into the file cabinets , and started reading company secrets . But that didn 't save me for long . The next day I arrived at work a few minutes earlier . Something told me that things were wrong . The security guard on the gate was new . He told me to go out to the bosses office . I walked into a small lab , and looked around . There was a window , and I tried to open it . In the distance I could see five police cars . The window wouldn 't open . There was only one way out . And I knew that by now , there would be police officers between me and the door . I looked round to find a chair . Then used it to break the window . The alarm went , and I slid through the empty hole . But I caught my shoulder on a shard of glass . I was bleeding . The police gave up their pretence . Dozens of sirens started up , heading towards the building . I ran through a green space . I knew that there was only one way out of the compound except the front gate . A hole in the fence I had noticed a few days earlier . But over head their was a helicopter . Although I ran like the wind , it wasn 't enough . I could hear the police men getting closer and closer . I turned around and saw two police officers . They both had guns pointed at me . I raised my hands , and they soon had me on the ground . I arrived at my destination a few hours latter . This time they were taking no chances . I arrived at a super maximum prison . Surrounded by barbed wire , dogs , and armed police officers it was obvious I 'd never get out . The next day the interrogation began . Again and Again . Asking me where I had gone . What I had done . I eventually broke down and told them everything . But that didn 't stop them continuing . Maybe what they were doing was no crime . But it was a form of torture . Eventually , the interrogations stopped . They gave me paper . They wanted to go back to how it used to be . But by that time I had got so angry , even when I did have a dream I kept it to myself . I wasn 't there . So all I can do is repeat the report that was made to me . No guarantee it is what happened . Apparently the director of the FBI had been having an extramarital affair . He was in bed that normal , and engaging in exercise at the same time . This was not expected , but what was even more unexpected was the windows opening wide . And the explosions of a gun . The director of the FBI 's gun . But I do know that it made the national news . The assistant director of the FBI resigned . And , to be frank , most of the people in the FBI did not care much about that . But it was fair warning . He didn 't seem to be exactly happy about what had happened . In fact , he stormed in to the visiting room , and let loose a barrage of swear words . I sat there passively , listening to him . When he calmed down sufficiently , he sat down . " Nigel was right . All he wants is his murderer found . But he isn 't going to stop . Not until that is done . Not even if he has to kill someone else to do it . " " No . I am not . Nigel is a threat to you . If you stand in the way , that is . He is a ghost . What can you do to get rid of him ? " The director of the FBI thought for a few seconds . An hour latter , a priest turned up with bell , book and candle . it didn 't work spectacularly . The power went off , the candle blew out , the bell rang , and the book was thrown across the room . The director gestured to the mirror and two toughs walked in . They carried some rope . They tied me to the chair , and lifted a cosh over their heads . Then all hell broke lose . The cosh swung back by itself . it raised into the air , and came down , laying out one of the thugs . The other caught me a glancing blow , but something unseen lifted him from the floor and threw him against the wall . " You have a choice . Director . Help find Nigel 's killer . Or , I think , Nigel will chase you down and gut you like a fish . " Eventually the Director settled down again . He sat in his chair , silently looking at me . I wasn 't a pretty picture . Thin , and in prison coveralls . I must have looked like a real criminal . They let me go that afternoon . Put me in a suit , and told me I was seconded to the FBI . I was even given my own agent . He was tall , thin , and looked every inch the government man . The agent shook his head . He gave nothing away . That was when I knew he wasn 't sent to help me . Just to keep an eye out on me . Nevertheless , I decided that I could use him . Like he wanted to use me . I looked over to him , and told him to get a warrant . We were going to search Nigel 's company . And read every damn bit of paper they had about Sigma . When we arrived at the door , they had their lawyer sorted out already . Someone must have leaked it . He looked like he had cost a lot of money . " I 'm afraid we have the right not to incriminate ourselves . We are asserting that right . Both as a company , and as individuals . So , no , you can ask any questions but we will not answer them . " I was surprised when I found the clue . It was something no one else would have noticed . A single envelope in the bin . It contained an address . I think Nigel must have been helping me . I was drawn to it . But the thing I noticed was the fact the address had a Sigma stamp . Once we were out of the building , I decided to break away from the FBI agent . I knew some things would work better on my own . it was easier said than done . When I tried to go for a walk that night , he insisted on staying right by me . Getting to the address was difficult . I didn 't have a car , I had to take the bus . Most of the journey there wasn 't even that . And it had began to rain . I must have looked odd , walking around town that late at night , soaked . In fact , I surprised no copper stopped me . " Good enough , " I said . Knowing I was lying as I said it . It wasn 't like it was my strong point . The expression on the coppers face showed he thought not either . He stood there behind me his mouth opened , as I shimmied the lock . it opened . I walked in . This was a mistake , I didn 't notice the small CCTV camera , the camera that was hidden in a plug socket . But it was sending my picture right up to the security office . I worked quickly , going up the stairs to the office . I don 't know what I had expected to see . But what I did see looked just like any other office . Even down to the half drunk cup of coffee . I woke up in the boot of a car . I could feel the engine running , and smell burning petrol . It was pick black . The car started off , bumping along the ground . Hitting me from side to side . My hands were tied behind my back . It was lucky I knew a little magic . I got the knot loose without much effort . Then I grovelled around the car to find something , anything that could help me . There was a wrench , which I picked up . I put the rope around my wrists , hiding the fact I was loose . And put the wrench in my pocket . The boot of the car swung open . One of the security guards lifted me out of the boot . He was covered in muscle . My mouth opened wide . That was the last thing I expected to hear . They marched me along the ground and I saw him for the first time . Nigel . Alive . Then the room went strange . Something turned the lights off , and opened the windows . It even raised a chair off the ground . The security guard looked worried for the first time . " For the last month , I have been searching for the person who killed Nigel Slater . You , sir , are Nigel Slater . But it seems your ghost hasn 't got the information you are alive . " But it didn 't work . By the time that the ambulance arrived , Nigel was in a deep coma . It took only a short time after that until the first homicide detective got there . But the truth is , it was fate . No ones fault . Except the murderer . After all , how can Nigel Slater 's ghost come into my dreams unless he is actually killed ? What happened next surprised me . The cops arrested me . Told me I was being held on suspicion of murder . I told them not to be idiots , but they wrote it in their notebooks and not their minds . By that point the clues would be getting stale , so I drove right to the company . But they wouldn 't let me in . it was a police investigation , they said . No dice . I called the FBI agent and asked him to run the full scan on Slater . By the time he had finished I would know every single family member . And all I had to do was interview them . The only clue left to me was Sigma . The company was closed for a few hours , but the managing director wasn 't . Again the FBI came to my rescue . They had the address , and I wasn 't afraid to use it . We walked up the garden path . It wasn 't the most luxurious house that a managing director had ever lived at . But I knocked on the door anyway . I walked in . Behold , the group was all there . The director of the FBI himself . The attorney general . And a four star general . I could feel the back of my assistant straightening up . The Managing Director pressed a button on the TV . It switched on . Nigel Slater 's office . I saw him pick up his glass . Put the chemicals in it . The MD fast forwarded . Nigel killed himself . " Oil . We got him to produce computer models . All the oil reserves . He was so great . . . well , he could produce a program that told us exactly where oil was , just from satellite images . " Just at that moment a dozen armed guards came into the room . Their guns were pointed right at me . I raised my hands , and was soon plunged into the carpet . They searched me . Didn 't find anything interesting . " Yeah . But I don 't think you did it . I don 't think you were that smart . But I don 't know what this being who calls himself Nigel Slater is , " I didn 't struggle . By now , them putting handcuffs on me was almost routine . I just wish I had been able to continue my life as a charlatan . I didn 't know what to say to that . it was true . it was obvious when you think about it . Nigel had told me he was murdered when he was still alive . but no one ever said the soul was bound to the arrow of time . Within a few minutes we had picked up an escort . From what I could tell , they had closed the road down . Only we were travelling that evening . I gulped . It looked like things were just about to head for the worse . The trip to the Whitehouse was the most fraught I had experienced in my life . The director of the FBI was reading faxes and emails in the car . His face was getting more and more pale . " I guess like the English did in WWII . With disinformation . We need to get an Chinese agent and feed him bad info . And I guess Nigel might be your best hope for that . " I guess the FBI director caught on quickly . Because he could go anywhere , Nigel could listen to the Chinese chatter . He could find Chinese agents . Maybe he didn 't know Chinese , but he knew enough to listen in to the English language conversations . It wasn 't a new concept . The CIA had investigated it in the sixties . But they didn 't have a real life ghost , so their experiments failed . This time we had a real ghost . I asked them to pick out the Ouija board again . The séance room was a sight you had never seen in your life . The president and the director of the FBI holding hands , in a dark room . The president of the united states shook his head . You could tell he couldn 't believe what he was seeing . He got up from his seat , and you could almost hear his bones cracking . Over in the corner of the room I could see a computer with satellite images . I could watch the Chinese fleet mobilising in real time . The number of dots that represented aircraft carriers alone was scary . " It will only be a few days before we have to mobilise our own navy . " The wait was excruciating . But suddenly five hours latter , the board started spelling out a name . The FBI director went to work . Within minutes they had the file out . He didn 't look like what you would expect of a Chinese agent . He had long , blonde hair , was dressed in a respectable suit , and had a respectable job . He worked in the old navy base . His job was to work on the files , reading sensitive military information . Including information about resource allocation . Once they checked his bank account the truth became obvious . The FBI director stood up , and paced down the long thin corridor . Then he arrived back in the meeting room with a young woman . She was dressed in military uniform . He explained the plan . It was simple . The Chinese agent needed to think it had all been a hoax . But for that to work , he would have to eat a pack of lies . I wasn 't there , so I can report only what I have been told . The female agent I had been introduced to worked in the old navy headquarters . She worked in the files there . It is a room full of top secret papers . Room might be the wrong word ; it was the size of an aircraft hanger . She worked there , and had spent months being bored . So naturally , she had struck up a conversation with the handsome blonde military attaché . And , the conversation was reciprocated . The director of the FBI looked at her . She didn 't look like much to put the freedom of the world onto . But she was eager . And after being told what to do , she didn 't complain . She saluted . I stood at the back of the room , watching the Director of the FBI feeling out the officer , and knew I would have to talk to Nigel alone . I didn 't trust her . She looked too good to be true with her starched uniform and willing smile . The new agent went into a staff car , to be driven to the headquarters . She looked very lonely in the back of the car . Meanwhile , we walked to the operations room . There was a banks of monitors the length of the room . We could see satellite images of the build up of the Chinese fleet , as well as real time updates of our spies . I nodded . Then looked back over to the screens . I could see our agent depositing the papers in her draw . She phoned up the Chinese agent , and set up dinner . It looked like a glorious feast . Roast duck , with all the trimmings . The doorbell went . She walked over to it , and opened it . She said something , and the Chinese agent walked into the room . After ten minutes of conversation , she walked away . To go to the toilet . He walked over to the draws , and started rummaging . After a few minutes he found the file our agent had left . He took out the smallest camera you have ever seen , and clicked the image . After that , he put the files away . After he left , the confirmation came thick and fast . The Chinese fleet disbanded . It was amazing to see , but they split up within a matter of hours . Soon the sea around Taiwan was empty except for commercial shipping . I guess that if this had been a story that would be it . I would have been given a party , a celebration , and been allowed to leave . After all , I had saved the day . Well , Nigel did leave . I haven 't heard from him since . After they had finished celebrating , a guard collected me , and drove me in a prison van to here . It is a cold concrete cell . I am allowed a TV , and to write carefully vetted letters . I 'm not sure how I will post this , my story . Maybe I will write it under the postage stamp . I guess for an old crook like me , it is fair . But I wish I had been sent to jail for something I did . And not for some trumped up terrorist charge . Currently we only offer payment for one story selected as the feature story in the monthly pdf magazine only . The successful author will be contacted to organise payment via paypal for a $ 5AUD payment . 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The ship swayed and creaked . He feels every bit of it in his body . Taking no chances the crew , damnedable pirates , have chained him with no give . Legs bound in a kneeling position , arms chained to either wall crucifying him to the ship like a perverse figurehead , he 's been their captive long enough to have forgotten the feel of kindness . It is a small blessing that their fear of him keeps his gag in place at all times . It keeps them from coming anywhere near him . The captain learned a long time ago that he gleans all he needs to live from the moisture in the air , the brine in his eyes . During storms , when he is strongest , the captain posts guards with him . They don 't look at him . A terrible hope fills him today . By the movement of the ship and the crew 's curses , he knows that they 're being pursued by another ship . This ship is a runner , fast . There 'd be little concern of capture if the ship did not gain its quickness from being light , gain its lightness from having little room for armaments or supplies . The pursuers have had them going for a week now and they 'd been out of port for at least a month . He knows from the panic in the crew that the food is all but gone . Soon they 'll be too weak to load what small guns are aboard . He 'd be surprised if they could remember how to sight the cannons it 's been so long since the captain has ordered them used . His hope stems from the pirates ' desperation . If they succumb to practicality then they 'll come for him . With frightened hearts and shaking hands , they 'll undo his chains and he 'll get to spend some time under the sky instead of under foot . So he waits for their desperation to bloom practicality . It does not take long . The first mate comes with three guards and the keys . It is always the first mate that comes to get him . The captain coming himself would make him a person that the captain fears , he wouldn 't last long once that got out among the crew . The first mate is the only one he trusts with the keys to his chains . " The captain wants to see you . " He speaks with a unique accent that comes with the ship 's pidgin of French , Spanish , and Greek . His ears hear the gibberish , but his mind provides him with the meaning . Slowly , they unchain his arms from the ship and secure them behind his back . The guards are afraid to touch him , unsure whether he 'll break or they 'll be infected with something . It strikes him as odd how religious some of these men are . Coming onto the deck , sea spray hits him in the face , covers his bare chest . He instantly feels more alive . He stands taller , muscles flex , the chains bite into his skin . They take him to the captain , standing at the aft of the ship . He stands beside the captain looking out at the wide ocean , the only thing marring their perfect view of the horizon the pursuers . The first mate and guards fold themselves into the three other men standing around them . The captain just stands there for a few minutes , ignoring him . This too is done to show the crew he will do this in his own time , to show that the man he keeps below decks does not frighten him . Around the gag , behind the locked mouth plate , he smiles . Only he and the captain know what he is , and he knows that the captain is frightened of that . " I have use of you . " From under his coat he draws out the key that only he is allowed to keep . He inserts into lock for the face plate . " If you hurt this ship my men will stab you and you will die before you can swim for freedom . Like always , yeah ? " He nods . It 's always the same threat . It vaguely occurs to him that this is only a half life . But then , the spirits would kill for half a life . The plate falls away and he spits the wooden wedge from his mouth . His tongue sticks out , tasting the salt in the air . He flexes his jaw , taking in the blue sky , the white clouds , the gentle waves . He smiles at the captain . Other than the crew 's swords there is very little compelling him . Finally , the captain 's annoyance at the delay shows on his face . He focuses on ship on the horizon . He tries not to think of the men on the ship . He knows he will have to answer for his actions one day , but he 's trying to postpone that day for as long as possible . " I 'm fine . Sorry . " The cabby 's eyes dart from the road to the rearview mirror and back . " I 'm good . I 'm okay . " The cabby 's eyes return to the road and stay there , Lawrence was prepared to keep reassuring him for the rest of the drive as long as he didn 't take his eyes off the road . " That jetlag 's a bitch , isn 't it ? " " Yeah , jetlag . " He doesn 't really feel like talking so he looks out the window . What he sees unsettles him so much that he almost closes his eyes again . Outside the cab desert stretched on for miles . When he 'd met the cabby at the airport he 'd been fine . They 'd been in the middle of a city . He preferred the buildings and people to the endless dry expanse . He tried to think of it as a sea of earth but it just made him queasy . He can 't help it , he closes his eyes . " We 're almost there , " the cabby rouses him . " If I 'd of known I wouldn 't have let you sleep at all . You wouldn 't believe how many people fall asleep in my cab from the airport . " The cabby keeps up a steady stream of chitchat for the next few minutes . Lawrence doesn 't say much , but he 's glad for the distraction . " Here we go , buddy . " He pulls up in front of an independent diner . Lawrence can tell the sign was made with care when it was painted , years in the desert sun has faded it badly . " They got good food here ? " " I don 't know . This is my first time here . " He pays the fare and steps out of the air - conditioned interior . His lips are immediately dry and cracked . The heat cuts him to the core as fast as it dried his lips , the urge to speak rises in him . He needs to escape this heat , he 's drowning in dryness . He rushes inside hoping that they 'll have air - conditioning . No such luck . The interior of the restaurant is as faded as the exterior . He seats himself , impatiently tapping his foot waiting for the waitress . He can hear the sound of the wind . Not the dry , lifeless wind of the desert , but the damp , alive wind of the storm . It 's calling to him , begging him to call out . He licks his lips with a tongue he can barely feel . He can 't help himself , the desert is antithesis for him . Why had he decided to come here ? To satisfy some adolescent curiosity ? He takes one long , shuttering breath . " The special , two of them , just bring me a pitcher of water . " His throat feels so dry . He has to speak now before he loses his chance . " Hmph ! " With blurry vision he watches her flounce back to the kitchen . He grabs the edge of the table to steady himself . He 's clenching his jaw by the time she comes back with a glass for him . He swallows half of it . The cool liquid fills him , calming him . Vision clears , hands stop shaking , the urge lessening . The torrent of wind in his ears shifts to a gentle breeze . How close had he come ? The waitress turns to leave again , he grabs her arm . " Can I get you anything else ? " She says it in such a way that makes Lawrence wonder if it 's actually a question . She tired of him he can tell . She 's too used to bullying the locals . He doesn 't trying to be nice to her , he just takes out a fifty and lays it on the table . " This is your tip if you keep bringing me pitchers of water . " Her eyes gleam slightly as she stares at the bill on the table . Slowly she puts the pitcher on the table . " Thank you . " He drains the rest of his glass and pours another . He finishes this one in three huge gulps . He doesn 't feel as trapped now , his breathing has evened out . He fills the glass a third time , finishing off the pitcher , but only sips this one . A couple minutes pass , the waitress brings his two specials and another pitcher . Lawrence only picks at his food . Between the desert and the age of the equipment in the diner the food is completely dry . Mainly he just cuts up the food and moves it around on his plate . Mainly he watches the people in the restaurant . He immediately discounts his waitress . Seeing her move around the diner , speaking with her , she 's spent most of her life trying to get away from this place . It 's a pity that she 'd never really feel like she belongs anywhere . An old man sits in another booth . He is weathered , his countenance telling the story of a life in the desert . Despite the heat of the day he 's drinking coffee . Lawrence would have considered him a likely candidate if his research didn 't tell him he is looking for someone younger . Besides the old man doesn 't look like he belongs here , only that he 's gotten used to living here . It 's an old style diner setup , so Lawrence can see the cook behind the half wall separating the kitchen from the dining area . Cook would be a wonderful job for who he 's looking for . The heat rising from the stove providing a fix for the cravings while at work . Though nothing compared to the natural heat of the desert it would do while at work . Unfortunately the cook is wearing a sleeveless shirt that 's plastered to his body with sweat . Lawrence 's heart falls . He 's not close enough to the cook to pick up a flow from him , but the fact that he 's sweating tells him all he needs to know . It 's possible his sources were wrong . It 's not easy to track a Bearer . The burden / gift they bear making it too hard to get a fix on them . He 's about to get up , throwing the contents of his glass down his throat , when the kitchen door swings open and a young man steps through . Lawrence puts his cup down and watches him . Something in the way he moves is different . Somehow his movements come off as light , almost bouncy . Even just clearing dishes from tables , his movements are quick , precise . He wears a t - shirt , jeans , and boots , all are cheap , but he still has an air of status . Lawrence notes that he 's not sweating . He looks up , checking for more stray dishes . Lawrence motions him over . " You finished with this , mister ? " Lawrence inhales and catches the scent of aged stone . " Sorry , mister , I 'm just here for the dishes . You 'll want to try Craiper St . around ten tonight . " He grabs a plate , Lawrence grabs his wrist . Sun … Heat … Dry … Sand … Lawrence pulls his hand away , palm red . Perspiration stands out on the young man 's brow now , fear in his eyes . He slides into the booth across from Lawrence . Lawrence pours another glass of water and waits for the boy to say something . " I 'm on break ! " She throws up her hands and goes back into the kitchen . Tito smiles at Lawrence . " Let 's go outside . " Lawrence downs his water and follows him out and around the diner . " I 'm Benjamin Fuller , but everyone calls me , Tito . Now who the hell are you ? " It 's a fair question . If he doesn 't know what he is then he 's probably really freaked out . Lawrence can 't blame him , he 's been there . " Ha , not likely , man . " Tito looks skeptical , very skeptical . There 's at least fifteen years between them . And while Tito isn 't a full blooded Mexican , Lawrence can tell at least one of his parents is , while Lawrence couldn 't be more white without being an albino . It 's hard to believe . " I don 't mean biologically . I mean spiritually . " Tito 's face is instantly serious . " You can feel it , can 't you ? That subtle , tickling at the back of your brain that makes you feel like you know me , even while at your core I unsettle you . " " Yes . " Tito looks so relieved that it breaks Lawrence 's heart . He knows what it 's like to finally have this explained . Lawrence had spent three years in a mental hospital trying to deal by himself . Tito is a strong young man . " Where is there open desert ? " Tito points down an alley . Lawrence starts walking , Tito doesn 't need to be told to follow , he falls into step next to Lawrence careful not to touch him . They come out the other end of the alley seeing open land . For Lawrence it 's as close to nothing as he ever wants to get . Longing fills Tito 's eyes . " I want to share something with you . Watch out there . " Lawrence takes a deep breath and centers himself . The urge to speak has been growing since they stepped out of the diner , the dryness creeping in to all his dark places . Tito 's hands fly up to cover his ears . " Ah ! What the hell ? " FLASH ! BOOM ! The thunder cuts off any further curses . Tito 's gaze is drawn out to the desert , where black storm clouds have formed out of nowhere . The fear is back in his eyes , he retreats till his back hits the wall to the building . " What have you done ? " " I spoke my Word . We 're Word Bearers , Tito . You have your own . Can you feel it ? Deep in core . " Lawrence can see he 's confused . He 's frightened , overwhelmed . FLASHBOOM ! " You can stop this , Tito . Go ahead . Say your Word . I want to hear it . " " I don 't … I 'm not sure . " Confusion and fear war on Tito 's face . Lawrence hopes he won 't run . He didn 't mean to scare the boy . " Of course you 're sure . You 've known it for centuries , you just haven 't spoken it yet . It 's okay . I 'm here with you . " His first step is hesitant , his second is firm , his third is confident . Lawrence realizes he 's holding his breath . Tito looks up at him , he nods . Tito fixes his gaze on the storm . " " There it is . It 's as quiet as Lawrence 's Word is loud , but no less powerful . It 's so beautiful . As Lawrence watches the storm clouds dissipate a tear rolls down his cheek . 2 Dad suffered even from a sight of blood , and he never killed a hen nor slaughtered a pig . But I was aware that once he had donated his blood in the name of my Mum still , because she 'd had a narrow escape on an operating table then . With me a doctor would have my blood tested in a moment : one , two and it 's done . But first they make you ready for rather a time : take a seat , then have a proper finger chosen , though it is always just the one , then they wipe it with spirits until take somewhat sharp like a mini - scalpel . Not everyone can stand the procedure , but I was not against it when a doctor suggested me having my blood tested . She was a likable one , youngish for her age , not married or divorced , probably . And she had no child , I felt it immediately , she had such a look , barren if you want . Possibly for health reasons she could not bear a child or she didn 't find a right man . Or she could have a particular blood group not to have a child with anyone , that 's why she employed at a doctor 's consulting room to make blood tests . And she urged me to have my blood tested . At first I didn 't mind it , the right thing it is , still she didn 't ask my permission . " Just let 's have your blood tested " , she said and left me . She had many things to do I suppose . In doctor 's smocks they walked hither and thither all the time at a clinic there talking over the heads of those waiting , as if one was dead already . And I was still alive and a nurse was preparing to have my blood tested . While she got me ready she was chattering . She said that men were afraid of blood testing nowadays . More and more they refused to do it and ran away sometimes seeing a drop of blood . And one had nothing to fear , there was a couch behind the curtain in a special emergency to lie low , in case one fainted . She pulled the white curtain aside and showed me a couch with dark green leatherette and I shivered all at once : what for they needed my blood ? She suggested me taking off a jacket and rolling up my sleeve , left or right one , I don 't rMy Bio : Mr . Valery Petrovskiy is a journalist and short story writer from Russia . Не is an English Department graduate at Chuvash State University , Cheboksary , graduated in journalism at VKSch Higher School , Moscow and in psychology at Kazan State Technology University . He has been writing prose since 2005 . Some of his writing has been published in The Scrambler , Rusty Typer , BRICKrethoric , NAP Magazine , Literary Burlesque , The Other Room , Curbside Quotidian , DANSE MACABRE , WidowMoon Press , PRIME MINCER , Apocrypha and Abstractions , The Legendary in the USA , and in Australian " Skive " and " Going Down Swinging " magazines . At the moment he is writer - in - residence at Marco Polo Art Mag . It 's dark in here . That 's because I live at the bottom of the jewellery box along with the other outcasts : the tangled necklace with the broken lobster claw and teddy pendant she got for her eleventh birthday , along with the bracelet that 's missing a couple of gem stones . She always says she will have them repaired but never does , preferring to spend the money on more fashionable pieces instead that imitate Asian and Oriental designs . An untrained eye might imagine that they were found by a back - packer on their travels , but they weren 't . They can be bought from any shop on the high - street , and are merely echoes of worlds she 's never seen . Not all of us down here are broken though . I 'm not , and neither is the engagement ring she got from Mark , ( who eventually cheated on her with Shannon from Reception , ) or the belly bar she took out when she put weight on and decided looked too young for her anyway . The ones at the top who get worn more often pity us , ( ' how boring it must be , ' they say to each other in whispers they think we can 't hear , ' being cooped up down there , month in , month out , ' ) but in a way they 're jealous . As I 've said , you could buy them in their hundreds if you wanted to , and they are without sentimental value like the childhood necklace or the belly bar that reminds her of her wild teens and early twenties . They 're easily replaced and she gives them away when they become outdated - or chucks them if even her younger sister and the charity shops say no , thanks . She doesn 't like Mark 's ring or me , so it isn 't often that her fingers dig through the chunky bangles and strings of beads to bring me to the surface . It happens maybe three or four times a year when she has arranged to visit The Matriarch . The ring doesn 't even get a look in . Why Mark wouldn 't let her give it back to him so that he could give it to someone he did love is beyond us ; at least that way it would have been enjoyed . All the same , seeing as I 'm an heirloom and the ring is eighteen carat white goPerhaps you imagine I get bitter when the voices of the favoured ones float above my head , chattering away about their ventures out of the box : days at work , dinners , dates , parties and who was there , who wasn 't there , what she wore … you get the drift . Or worse , maybe you feel sorry for me . I 'd rather you didn 't . Pity the rest but not me . I 'm not so keen on their weight pressing down on me but I don 't mind the dark . In fact I quite like it . It reminds me of home , my real one , from before I met people . As for being bitter , you can rule that out . I 'm a pearl , darling ; it 's not in my nature . You lot have seen me as a symbol of love for thousands of years and I do try to live up to my name by being kind - although I cannot help but wince sometimes at the irony , given that the first person I ever met died . Don 't look at me like that ; it wasn 't my fault . But that 's why she doesn 't like me . All the same , when you 've being kept in a family for over a century you do take an interest in your present owner , even if it 's not reciprocated , so I enjoy listening to the young ones ' gossip . Let them have their fun while they still can . The best they can hope for is a place in a child 's dressing - up box in just a few , short years so they might as well enjoy it . 2 . Memories . I might be old - fashioned and be from a past that she and you would rather forget , but I 'm not like your kind . I will endure and outlive the others , her - even you . And I never forget . My memory doesn 't grow weak with age , it gets stronger . I can still smell what my home was like ; still feel the movements of the person who found me when he panicked and rushed too quickly to the top , and the urgent , grasping hand of the first , but different person to ever touch me , as though I 'd only stopped smelling and feeling them a minute ago . The memories of my owners and the events in their lives play like the films you are so fond of ; the moment when her grandfather proposed to her grandmother , and the christening of her mother , they are a3 . Before she grew up . I suppose you think it strange that her grandmother , ( or The Matriarch as she jokingly calls her , ) skipped a generation and gave me to someone who doesn 't like me , but it never used to be this way . When she was little and used to visit her grandmother she would ask , ( very politely after giving her a peck on the cheek , ) if she could play with her jewellery box . The answer was always yes , and she would very carefully hunt through the diamonds and gold to find me , pin me to her jumper and wear me for the rest of the time she was there . It became something of a ritual , to the point where her grandmother began to pick me out herself and would put me on the coffee table ready for when she arrived . When she was eighteen , The Matriarch had a heart attack , and fearing that she would never leave hospital , insisted on the girl 's mother driving for two hours to get me , so that she could give me to her personally before it was too late . They were very close , and still are in spite of the distance , for she survived against all the odds . Whenever she goes to see her she always comments on how lovely it is , seeing her granddaughter all grown up , wearing her old brooch that 's always been her favourite . And I was for a time . Traditionally I was only worn for a special or significant occasion , but when she was at college I had the strange but enjoyable experience of being put in her pocket and going with her , and if she felt nervous about something her fingers would slide down to stroke me . Normally I hated people manhandling me , but I didn 't mind in her case - it was better than her biting her nails . It was almost as if she thought that having me with her would stop something bad happening - and I have been viewed as ' lucky . ' Stop sniggering , it 's true . In the days of knights and sword - fighting , we would be worn when the rich and noble went into battle because they thought we would protect them from harm , so don 't laugh at her . It felt good , being wanted , and I have to confess I came in danger You don 't like being reminded of your past - those days of glory when Britain ruled half the world . I think that 's why you apologise so much , and give more than you can afford to charities trying to save the poor and starving around the globe . It 's almost as though you 're trying to make up for all the wrongs done before you were born . And I 've tried to avoid talking about it in case you ran away - I get lonely sometimes and it 's nice having someone to talk to . But you can 't run forever , things have to be faced eventually . Some of you may already know and may already be trying to shut out the sound of my words by turning your thoughts to the plans you 've made for the weekend , but there 'll be a lot of you who don 't . There are lots of happy anecdotes from my owners ' lives I could have told you but this is the one you need to hear : My story . We are not like your kind , but there is one thing we have in common : just as you can 't remember coming out of the womb , we don 't know what it was like being a grain of sand or piece of shell squeezing our way inside an oyster and hardening ; all I remember is being . There were no thoughts , for when you live inside a shell there isn 't a great deal to think about - nothing happens . That probably sounds dull to you but there was no sadness , no pain or death . It was peaceful , just being . I didn 't know this at the time but even nothing has to come to an end eventually : the day would always have come when I would be found . It will be hard for you to understand what it was like being taken out of water , hearing sounds , seeing colours and light - all for the first time . On paper it sounds great , this explosion of life , but the reality was frightening - and even fear was something I had never heard of or felt before . Maybe that 's why your newborns usually cry when they come out , because they 're scared and want to go back . I 'm trying to think of ways to describe how it was to you , and the only way I can think of is for you to imagine an ancient Egyptian being placed in the middle of a supermarket . That might give you a better idea , but even that doesn 't come close . I 've learnt a lot since then - ( I 've had to , I didn 't have any other choice - ) but there 's one thing I 've never been able to get my head around , and that is time . Your lives are ruled by clocks and diaries telling you when deadlines or birthdays are due , but when you have so much time whole years , even decades can pass you by . Forgive me then , if I am a little hazy on dates . What I can tell you is that I was brought to the surface in the late 1800s , which makes me special . There aren 't many of us that come from nature now . Most are made by man in bulk on farms . Things changed . You suddenly became concerned about human life and diving equipment got better . Both meant that the world 's poor no were no longer forced to hold their breaths for comments » I knew that someone important was going to walk into my life at 12 : 15 , just after I normally drink tea and prepare for an slow day working on the horoscope . Now , maybe you might not believe me . After all , I am a professional charlatan . But I knew something was up , because for the last two weeks every prediction I have made actually worked out . It started when I saw Mrs Henderson . She was a fat woman , an unpleasant woman , a great client . Like most people who wanted a reading , she didn 't want the truth . And normally I didn 't give it to her . I pulled out the equipment . It was a plain set . It looked like bone china , but was made in china for a very low price . Mrs Henderson looked impressed anyway . She had a lot of money , and not a lot of sense . Anyway , I started reading the information contained in the tea leafs . And then the world went blank . When I returned to the world , Mrs Henderson was gone . I walked out of the shop I had rented , and another of the shopkeepers came up to me . He was normally an quiet , amicable chap . This time he looked like he wanted to throttle me . " She came out of here . Howling and crying , like you 'd tried to kill her . " he put his face up to mine , " You ever do it again and I 'll . . " " I don 't know what you 're talking about , " and I backed away from him . He stalked off . I walked back to my shop , ready to wait for my next appointment . Mrs Abbot didn 't come . She left a nervous message on my answer phone . At the time I didn 't realise why . Because I had no other clients for the day , I went home . My mouth opened wide . It was such a shock , it seemed like I 'd just been told I was about to die . And then . Then I was in my bed , looking at the ceiling . The police officers had gone . But it felt more real than a dream . It must have been a dream . Yeah , that was what it was , I convinced myself . Although I should have known better . In Ireland you can make a full time living as a psychic . less so in England . The English wouldn 't even pay you if you could predict the lottery . So I also work as a pitchman . Which , if you think about it , is just another way to make a dishonest buck . I walked to the nearest boot sale , and set up . It isn 't too crowded in the morning . And everyone is busy . So I crawl in through the hedge . They don 't know that I 'm there against the rules . I set up . My table is old fashioned . A suitcase with legs you fold out . Like the true pitchmen of the 50 's . My pitch is the worm . They wiggle around my hand , like they are alive . The fools in the crowd gave me money . That is what they are for . She had the longest blondest hair this side of fairyland , and her smile lights up the room like a flashlight . And I knew I am meant to talk to her . Just now . She walked off . I had the sense she is in trouble . She was poorer than she used to be , her clothes were expensive , but last years fashion . I had a feeling I will meet her again . When I got there , there was Mrs Henderson and her husband . Their eyes were red . They had been crying . I couldn 't understand what they were there for . I managed to get them to leave . At first I thought that the gossip would help me . But the truth is , no one wants to go to a psychic that tells them the truth . Life is hard enough . You go to a psychic to hear lies . I made some money as a pitchman , so it didn 't affect me too much . But I kept on having bad dreams . I kept on seeing people I knew in them . Not just that , I saw how they died . Their pain . And I started to write down what I saw . In a book by my bedside cabinet . The extra time I had meant I was drinking more too . It was like I 'd been cursed . But the worst was the Christians . They decided that these dreams were inspired by Satan . They set up the picket line in front of my office . I started to think I should simply leave . On Wednesday , the cleaner came in . She was a nosy parker . And no mistake . Her husband had died a few years back , and she was interested in everything . While it 's not the way she put it , she was very interested in the diary . All the details of the different murders and deaths I 'd seen . All the factual details that no one else other than the murderer could know . She took it to the police , and they read it , and they got their warrant . I arrived back at the normal time , and nothing was different . The book was there . I didn 't notice the surveillance cameras . Not at all . They broke in that night . It wasn 't a dream . And I looked up to them bleary eyed , a gun pointing in my face , and swore . They dragged me towards the back of the car , and I noticed someone had decided to give the press warning . So it was very public . Once in , they took me right there . And kitted me out in fetching jail clothing , since I was still in pyjamas . This was the first time I was in jail , and I can tell you it is not as bad as some people say . There is an odd vinegar smell , hiding other bodily fluids . And it is never quiet . There is always shouting going on , and doors slammed . But it was no worse than some hotels I 've been in while performing . I looked across at my lawyer . Short , thin , balding and bored . The police officer had my diary in front of him . He picked it up . " In it , you 've got the details of dozens of murders . Information the police hasn 't released to the public . Information . . . dare I say it , in some cases that the police didn 't even know themselves . " And that was it . That was the full content of the interview . I was hustled off into the cell , and ended up waiting for days . In telephone conversations with friends , I knew the police were digging up my life . I was given a notebook , and a pen , and I continued to write down my dreams . I thought I might as well . The police would search my cell every now and again , and confiscate them . They even moved me to solitary . Made sure no one could be feeding me this information . Or , presumably , that I wasn 't ordering the killings . But the dreams continued . They were getting worse and worse . Every morning I woke up feeling like I had not slept . I guess at least things looked up , because they took me from prison . They drove me along country lanes , towards a building . I can 't tell you precisely where it was . It just looked like an old school to be honest . You 'd never have guessed it was an intelligence headquarters . They bundled me out into an empty building . You 've heard of the secret prisons . Well , they are true . They dressed me up in a uniform , tagged my ankle , and locked me in a cage . The only thing they gave me was some paper and a pen to write down my dreams . Sometimes people came to research me . They put me in scanners , and gave me all kinds of medical tests . The results were unsurprising . I was just a normal , healthy individual . And that was how it seemed I was destined to live for the rest of my life . Until I started to hear the voices . They were low . Just like someone was talking in the next room . Distant . And I couldn 't make them out . That night I was tossing and turning , and I heard someone shout out my name . I woke up . No one was there . Then I tried to get asleep again , and managed it . But the voice was insistent . Nothing answered me . The guards walked past my cell . But with the dreams and the voices , I was getting no sleep . It started to affect me so badly I would not even eat food . Within a few days I was exhausted . Mentally and physically drained . And I guess that is what the creatures wanted . Because soon they broke through . It 's hard to tell you how it felt . But if you have ever had a moment of shock , when you suddenly feel like you aren 't there , you 'll know . He said his name . And then the voice faded away . But I knew I had to do precisely what he told me . I 'd go mad otherwise . Maybe I was already mad . The opportunity came sooner than I expected . My handlers were getting anxious . I was producing less predictions than normal , and the federal conviction rate was plummeting through the floor . The handlers looked like model citizens . Dark suits , a man and a woman dressed formally , like they were lawyers . They flashed their badge to me . I don 't know why , the fact I was in a prison gave them away . The police officer fell back . You could see him working it through in his mind . Despite the success of my predictions , he settled on the conclusion I was mad . After all , psychic phenomena were impossible . He 'd read that once . I shook my head . But that night , I was thinking about it , and decided that I had to ask . Had to have a conversation , if only for my sanity . When the voices started up , I leaned forward in my bed . I asked the question again . But he would say nothing of use to me . he would only repeatedly ask me to find his killers . Not very useful . Eventually , I managed to coax his name from him . Nigel . Not a very good name for a joke . That was the strange thing . No murder victims of that name came up . Not any time soon . But a week later , a Nigel disappeared . And I realised the truth . I looked through the court reports . He had been killed by stabbing . They wouldn 't let me out of the jail . So all I could do was read the files they brought on him . And I got the feeling that many of the details had been redacted . it was like looking for a haystack in an elephant : messy and not very satisfactory . There were only two people I decided who could have done it . They both had a great deal to gain . At the end of the day , though , there is a limit to what you can do from inside a jail cell . The guards looked sceptically at me when I asked for it . But I was responsible for half the murder arrests in the district for the last six months . So they eventually gave me what I wanted . Especially when I refused to furnish them with any more information . I don 't know if you have ever been to a proper séance . Well , to be honest , most of the time the knocks are from the medium . But this time it was different . Within moments of the séance starting , I was aware that the room was colder . Then the entire board lifted off the table , and flew towards me . It hit the wall a few inches from my face . The room warmed up again . The presence was gone . For a little while . " I didn 't " I replied . I knew that he didn 't believe me . But he would have to show more senior people . And I knew they couldn 't afford to risk me . I went back to bed . For the first time in weeks , I had no bad dreams . I guess Nigel knew I understood his message . I slept very soundly . Until the next morning . But my guards didn 't really understand . Or they did not want to understand . My handler met me in the interview room the next morning . He looked tired . Besides him sat a man I hadn 't seen before . He wore the cleanest , most expensive suit I had seen during my stay at the states pleasure . The man stood up . He walked out of the room . Measured , and without menace . But he didn 't seem to be a man used to dealing with no . My handler shook his head . He didn 't need to tell me the consequences . All of a sudden , I was put on suicide watch . Woken up every thirty minutes to see if I wasn 't dead yet . The heating in my cell surprisingly broke . I knew I was in their hands totally . But I never realised what it was like to displease them . You see , Nigel might be a ghost , but that doesn 't mean he is stupid . He can see what is happening . He knows they are stopping me doing what he wants . And this gets him angry . They first times he acted , it looked like coincidence . The guards chair would tilt under him , depositing him on the floor . Or cups of coffee were not placed firmly enough on the table . The guards were spooked by me . They knew that I was able to see things they could not . But although the guards face became pale , his hand on the trigger was steady and firm . It was too late . The chair slammed into the guard . He dropped to the floor . Then I saw the guards keys float from his pocket . My cell door was unlocked . I walked over to the guard , stripped his clothes off , and changed into his uniform . I thought I didn 't have much of a choice . If I didn 't do what Nigel wanted he would kill me . Every door I came to slid open without me doing anything . It would have been creepy if I didn 't know what was happening . Soon the alarms started to ring out . People would be grabbing their guns , getting ready to shoot me . I could feel my heart trying to escape from my chest . I soon arrived at fire exit . It opened in front of me . I climbed down some steps . Below me , I could see coppers swarming . I continued to walk down . One of the coppers recognised me . I ran in the opposite direction . He took aim , and I could hear the gun explode behind me . But the bullet didn 't pierce my skin like I expected . Instead , it ended in the ground . I reached a police car , and the engine came on without anyone doing anything . Then I went into a store and bought black trousers and a white shirt . Got changed . And walked out of the shopping centre , expecting to be caught at any time . In my pocket there was five hundred dollars . That was all I had in the world , except for an insane ghost . I decided it was time to go to the library . After chatting to the librarian for a few seconds , she walked me over to a computer which had copies of the local papers for the last twenty years . I typed a search . At first I found nothing , but as I expanded the search back I found him . According to the interview , he was found murdered in his bed . He had been asleep . His wife had been charged and convicted of his murder . But she said she was innocent . Nothing came in response . I knew that would happen . It was too much to hope for . It was getting late at night . The librarian was fussing near me . It was time to go . When you are a fugitive , it isn 't as simple to find a place to stay as booking a room in a hotel . I walked round , looking for an empty house . It took me an hour . Occasionally a police car would go past . It made me nervous . At one time it would have been a posh bungalow . But whoever had owned it had been taken to a care home , and it was covered in weeds and neglect . I walked up to the door , and it swings open . That is one of the advantages of your own private poltergeist . Inside it was a mess . But dry and water proof . There was a wood burning stove in one room . The power was off , and Nigel didn 't turn it on . But the water was only off at the mains . It was easy enough to get it working again . In the morning I would have to start the process of searching for Nigel Slater . I knew roughly where he lived . I fell asleep , and woke up hungry and cramped . Outside , I could hear rustling . I peeked through the window , and could see a man dressed only in black . He looked like he was not very friendly . I ducked down , but he must have seen me . He edged towards the door . It was locked , but he slammed it open . I hid behind the sofa . it didn 't help . He walked towards me . I noticed he had a poker in his hand . There was no way he wouldn 't find me . I stood up . I looked over at him . He had a long scar down his face . it seemed like he was used to trouble . And he was straining to start a fight . I did what he said . He followed me . I thought he might hit me at any second . or recognise me . They must have put my picture out into the news by now . I sighed with relief , but knew that my location might be passed onto the police . I decided it was time to get out of the town . I caught a bus , and tried to hide my face . Since I hadn 't had a bath for a few days it was easier than you might think . People did not want to look me in the eyes . I arrived at Nigel 's house six hours latter . It was a solemn house . A plane front garden laid to grass , brick frontage , and white windows . It didn 't look like anyone had ever cared for it . It looked like it was a place to sleep and not to stay . It took me a few minutes to settle down , and watch the street . There was nothing extraordinary about it . A few people walked past , taking little interest in the stranger . After watching for half an hour , I knew there was little information here for me . Talking round the local shops I found out that Nigel had been a quiet man . Few people knew him , past his saying hello . he didn 't seem to have been involved in anything wrong . or indeed in anything at all . I decided that there could only really have been one source of trouble . He must have found out something at work . Something that made him worth more to someone dead than alive . I got some annual reports from his company and studied them . Amazing what is available on the internet these days . There was little of interest . I applied to work at Nigel 's company as a cleaner . it was a big risk . I supplied false references , and knew they would not check them for months . That 's the thing about cleaners . No one takes any notice . So I got the job , and examined the work place thoroughly . It looked like an office . The computers were always on . Once or twice I looked over the shoulder of someone working but it was all gobbledygook to me . To make it worse , I saw my face on the newspaper when I went for food . Sure , I looked a lot different now . I had grown longer hair , a beard , and was thinner . But it was still me . I grew suspicious of other people . Then came my big break . Several people were working in the office late . I overhead them speaking about a billion dollar deal . The company was getting bought out . I checked the internet , and there was something in the trade section . The routine was the same every day . But one of my colleagues had not turned up to work . So I was asked to clean the main office . I did so . But I did more than that , I broke into the file cabinets , and started reading company secrets . But that didn 't save me for long . The next day I arrived at work a few minutes earlier . Something told me that things were wrong . The security guard on the gate was new . He told me to go out to the bosses office . I walked into a small lab , and looked around . There was a window , and I tried to open it . In the distance I could see five police cars . The window wouldn 't open . There was only one way out . And I knew that by now , there would be police officers between me and the door . I looked round to find a chair . Then used it to break the window . The alarm went , and I slid through the empty hole . But I caught my shoulder on a shard of glass . I was bleeding . The police gave up their pretence . Dozens of sirens started up , heading towards the building . I ran through a green space . I knew that there was only one way out of the compound except the front gate . A hole in the fence I had noticed a few days earlier . But over head their was a helicopter . Although I ran like the wind , it wasn 't enough . I could hear the police men getting closer and closer . I turned around and saw two police officers . They both had guns pointed at me . I raised my hands , and they soon had me on the ground . I arrived at my destination a few hours latter . This time they were taking no chances . I arrived at a super maximum prison . Surrounded by barbed wire , dogs , and armed police officers it was obvious I 'd never get out . The next day the interrogation began . Again and Again . Asking me where I had gone . What I had done . I eventually broke down and told them everything . But that didn 't stop them continuing . Maybe what they were doing was no crime . But it was a form of torture . Eventually , the interrogations stopped . They gave me paper . They wanted to go back to how it used to be . But by that time I had got so angry , even when I did have a dream I kept it to myself . I wasn 't there . So all I can do is repeat the report that was made to me . No guarantee it is what happened . Apparently the director of the FBI had been having an extramarital affair . He was in bed that normal , and engaging in exercise at the same time . This was not expected , but what was even more unexpected was the windows opening wide . And the explosions of a gun . The director of the FBI 's gun . But I do know that it made the national news . The assistant director of the FBI resigned . And , to be frank , most of the people in the FBI did not care much about that . But it was fair warning . He didn 't seem to be exactly happy about what had happened . In fact , he stormed in to the visiting room , and let loose a barrage of swear words . I sat there passively , listening to him . When he calmed down sufficiently , he sat down . " Nigel was right . All he wants is his murderer found . But he isn 't going to stop . Not until that is done . Not even if he has to kill someone else to do it . " " No . I am not . Nigel is a threat to you . If you stand in the way , that is . He is a ghost . What can you do to get rid of him ? " The director of the FBI thought for a few seconds . An hour latter , a priest turned up with bell , book and candle . it didn 't work spectacularly . The power went off , the candle blew out , the bell rang , and the book was thrown across the room . The director gestured to the mirror and two toughs walked in . They carried some rope . They tied me to the chair , and lifted a cosh over their heads . Then all hell broke lose . The cosh swung back by itself . it raised into the air , and came down , laying out one of the thugs . The other caught me a glancing blow , but something unseen lifted him from the floor and threw him against the wall . " You have a choice . Director . Help find Nigel 's killer . Or , I think , Nigel will chase you down and gut you like a fish . " Eventually the Director settled down again . He sat in his chair , silently looking at me . I wasn 't a pretty picture . Thin , and in prison coveralls . I must have looked like a real criminal . They let me go that afternoon . Put me in a suit , and told me I was seconded to the FBI . I was even given my own agent . He was tall , thin , and looked every inch the government man . The agent shook his head . He gave nothing away . That was when I knew he wasn 't sent to help me . Just to keep an eye out on me . Nevertheless , I decided that I could use him . Like he wanted to use me . I looked over to him , and told him to get a warrant . We were going to search Nigel 's company . And read every damn bit of paper they had about Sigma . When we arrived at the door , they had their lawyer sorted out already . Someone must have leaked it . He looked like he had cost a lot of money . " I 'm afraid we have the right not to incriminate ourselves . We are asserting that right . Both as a company , and as individuals . So , no , you can ask any questions but we will not answer them . " I was surprised when I found the clue . It was something no one else would have noticed . A single envelope in the bin . It contained an address . I think Nigel must have been helping me . I was drawn to it . But the thing I noticed was the fact the address had a Sigma stamp . Once we were out of the building , I decided to break away from the FBI agent . I knew some things would work better on my own . it was easier said than done . When I tried to go for a walk that night , he insisted on staying right by me . Getting to the address was difficult . I didn 't have a car , I had to take the bus . Most of the journey there wasn 't even that . And it had began to rain . I must have looked odd , walking around town that late at night , soaked . In fact , I surprised no copper stopped me . " Good enough , " I said . Knowing I was lying as I said it . It wasn 't like it was my strong point . The expression on the coppers face showed he thought not either . He stood there behind me his mouth opened , as I shimmied the lock . it opened . I walked in . This was a mistake , I didn 't notice the small CCTV camera , the camera that was hidden in a plug socket . But it was sending my picture right up to the security office . I worked quickly , going up the stairs to the office . I don 't know what I had expected to see . But what I did see looked just like any other office . Even down to the half drunk cup of coffee . I woke up in the boot of a car . I could feel the engine running , and smell burning petrol . It was pick black . The car started off , bumping along the ground . Hitting me from side to side . My hands were tied behind my back . It was lucky I knew a little magic . I got the knot loose without much effort . Then I grovelled around the car to find something , anything that could help me . There was a wrench , which I picked up . I put the rope around my wrists , hiding the fact I was loose . And put the wrench in my pocket . The boot of the car swung open . One of the security guards lifted me out of the boot . He was covered in muscle . My mouth opened wide . That was the last thing I expected to hear . They marched me along the ground and I saw him for the first time . Nigel . Alive . Then the room went strange . Something turned the lights off , and opened the windows . It even raised a chair off the ground . The security guard looked worried for the first time . " For the last month , I have been searching for the person who killed Nigel Slater . You , sir , are Nigel Slater . But it seems your ghost hasn 't got the information you are alive . " But it didn 't work . By the time that the ambulance arrived , Nigel was in a deep coma . It took only a short time after that until the first homicide detective got there . But the truth is , it was fate . No ones fault . Except the murderer . After all , how can Nigel Slater 's ghost come into my dreams unless he is actually killed ? What happened next surprised me . The cops arrested me . Told me I was being held on suspicion of murder . I told them not to be idiots , but they wrote it in their notebooks and not their minds . By that point the clues would be getting stale , so I drove right to the company . But they wouldn 't let me in . it was a police investigation , they said . No dice . I called the FBI agent and asked him to run the full scan on Slater . By the time he had finished I would know every single family member . And all I had to do was interview them . The only clue left to me was Sigma . The company was closed for a few hours , but the managing director wasn 't . Again the FBI came to my rescue . They had the address , and I wasn 't afraid to use it . We walked up the garden path . It wasn 't the most luxurious house that a managing director had ever lived at . But I knocked on the door anyway . I walked in . Behold , the group was all there . The director of the FBI himself . The attorney general . And a four star general . I could feel the back of my assistant straightening up . The Managing Director pressed a button on the TV . It switched on . Nigel Slater 's office . I saw him pick up his glass . Put the chemicals in it . The MD fast forwarded . Nigel killed himself . " Oil . We got him to produce computer models . All the oil reserves . He was so great . . . well , he could produce a program that told us exactly where oil was , just from satellite images . " Just at that moment a dozen armed guards came into the room . Their guns were pointed right at me . I raised my hands , and was soon plunged into the carpet . They searched me . Didn 't find anything interesting . " Yeah . But I don 't think you did it . I don 't think you were that smart . But I don 't know what this being who calls himself Nigel Slater is , " I didn 't struggle . By now , them putting handcuffs on me was almost routine . I just wish I had been able to continue my life as a charlatan . I didn 't know what to say to that . it was true . it was obvious when you think about it . Nigel had told me he was murdered when he was still alive . but no one ever said the soul was bound to the arrow of time . Within a few minutes we had picked up an escort . From what I could tell , they had closed the road down . Only we were travelling that evening . I gulped . It looked like things were just about to head for the worse . The trip to the Whitehouse was the most fraught I had experienced in my life . The director of the FBI was reading faxes and emails in the car . His face was getting more and more pale . " I guess like the English did in WWII . With disinformation . We need to get an Chinese agent and feed him bad info . And I guess Nigel might be your best hope for that . " I guess the FBI director caught on quickly . Because he could go anywhere , Nigel could listen to the Chinese chatter . He could find Chinese agents . Maybe he didn 't know Chinese , but he knew enough to listen in to the English language conversations . It wasn 't a new concept . The CIA had investigated it in the sixties . But they didn 't have a real life ghost , so their experiments failed . This time we had a real ghost . I asked them to pick out the Ouija board again . The séance room was a sight you had never seen in your life . The president and the director of the FBI holding hands , in a dark room . The president of the united states shook his head . You could tell he couldn 't believe what he was seeing . He got up from his seat , and you could almost hear his bones cracking . Over in the corner of the room I could see a computer with satellite images . I could watch the Chinese fleet mobilising in real time . The number of dots that represented aircraft carriers alone was scary . " It will only be a few days before we have to mobilise our own navy . " The wait was excruciating . But suddenly five hours latter , the board started spelling out a name . The FBI director went to work . Within minutes they had the file out . He didn 't look like what you would expect of a Chinese agent . He had long , blonde hair , was dressed in a respectable suit , and had a respectable job . He worked in the old navy base . His job was to work on the files , reading sensitive military information . Including information about resource allocation . Once they checked his bank account the truth became obvious . The FBI director stood up , and paced down the long thin corridor . Then he arrived back in the meeting room with a young woman . She was dressed in military uniform . He explained the plan . It was simple . The Chinese agent needed to think it had all been a hoax . But for that to work , he would have to eat a pack of lies . I wasn 't there , so I can report only what I have been told . The female agent I had been introduced to worked in the old navy headquarters . She worked in the files there . It is a room full of top secret papers . Room might be the wrong word ; it was the size of an aircraft hanger . She worked there , and had spent months being bored . So naturally , she had struck up a conversation with the handsome blonde military attaché . And , the conversation was reciprocated . The director of the FBI looked at her . She didn 't look like much to put the freedom of the world onto . But she was eager . And after being told what to do , she didn 't complain . She saluted . I stood at the back of the room , watching the Director of the FBI feeling out the officer , and knew I would have to talk to Nigel alone . I didn 't trust her . She looked too good to be true with her starched uniform and willing smile . The new agent went into a staff car , to be driven to the headquarters . She looked very lonely in the back of the car . Meanwhile , we walked to the operations room . There was a banks of monitors the length of the room . We could see satellite images of the build up of the Chinese fleet , as well as real time updates of our spies . I nodded . Then looked back over to the screens . I could see our agent depositing the papers in her draw . She phoned up the Chinese agent , and set up dinner . It looked like a glorious feast . Roast duck , with all the trimmings . The doorbell went . She walked over to it , and opened it . She said something , and the Chinese agent walked into the room . After ten minutes of conversation , she walked away . To go to the toilet . He walked over to the draws , and started rummaging . After a few minutes he found the file our agent had left . He took out the smallest camera you have ever seen , and clicked the image . After that , he put the files away . After he left , the confirmation came thick and fast . The Chinese fleet disbanded . It was amazing to see , but they split up within a matter of hours . Soon the sea around Taiwan was empty except for commercial shipping . I guess that if this had been a story that would be it . I would have been given a party , a celebration , and been allowed to leave . After all , I had saved the day . Well , Nigel did leave . I haven 't heard from him since . After they had finished celebrating , a guard collected me , and drove me in a prison van to here . It is a cold concrete cell . I am allowed a TV , and to write carefully vetted letters . I 'm not sure how I will post this , my story . Maybe I will write it under the postage stamp . I guess for an old crook like me , it is fair . But I wish I had been sent to jail for something I did . And not for some trumped up terrorist charge . Currently we only offer payment for one story selected as the feature story in the monthly pdf magazine only . The successful author will be contacted to organise payment via paypal for a $ 5AUD payment . 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The ship swayed and creaked . He feels every bit of it in his body . Taking no chances the crew , damnedable pirates , have chained him with no give . Legs bound in a kneeling position , arms chained to either wall crucifying him to the ship like a perverse figurehead , he 's been their captive long enough to have forgotten the feel of kindness . It is a small blessing that their fear of him keeps his gag in place at all times . It keeps them from coming anywhere near him . The captain learned a long time ago that he gleans all he needs to live from the moisture in the air , the brine in his eyes . During storms , when he is strongest , the captain posts guards with him . They don 't look at him . A terrible hope fills him today . By the movement of the ship and the crew 's curses , he knows that they 're being pursued by another ship . This ship is a runner , fast . There 'd be little concern of capture if the ship did not gain its quickness from being light , gain its lightness from having little room for armaments or supplies . The pursuers have had them going for a week now and they 'd been out of port for at least a month . He knows from the panic in the crew that the food is all but gone . Soon they 'll be too weak to load what small guns are aboard . He 'd be surprised if they could remember how to sight the cannons it 's been so long since the captain has ordered them used . His hope stems from the pirates ' desperation . If they succumb to practicality then they 'll come for him . With frightened hearts and shaking hands , they 'll undo his chains and he 'll get to spend some time under the sky instead of under foot . So he waits for their desperation to bloom practicality . It does not take long . The first mate comes with three guards and the keys . It is always the first mate that comes to get him . The captain coming himself would make him a person that the captain fears , he wouldn 't last long once that got out among the crew . The first mate is the only one he trusts with the keys to his chains . " The captain wants to see you . " He speaks with a unique accent that comes with the ship 's pidgin of French , Spanish , and Greek . His ears hear the gibberish , but his mind provides him with the meaning . Slowly , they unchain his arms from the ship and secure them behind his back . The guards are afraid to touch him , unsure whether he 'll break or they 'll be infected with something . It strikes him as odd how religious some of these men are . Coming onto the deck , sea spray hits him in the face , covers his bare chest . He instantly feels more alive . He stands taller , muscles flex , the chains bite into his skin . They take him to the captain , standing at the aft of the ship . He stands beside the captain looking out at the wide ocean , the only thing marring their perfect view of the horizon the pursuers . The first mate and guards fold themselves into the three other men standing around them . The captain just stands there for a few minutes , ignoring him . This too is done to show the crew he will do this in his own time , to show that the man he keeps below decks does not frighten him . Around the gag , behind the locked mouth plate , he smiles . Only he and the captain know what he is , and he knows that the captain is frightened of that . " I have use of you . " From under his coat he draws out the key that only he is allowed to keep . He inserts into lock for the face plate . " If you hurt this ship my men will stab you and you will die before you can swim for freedom . Like always , yeah ? " He nods . It 's always the same threat . It vaguely occurs to him that this is only a half life . But then , the spirits would kill for half a life . The plate falls away and he spits the wooden wedge from his mouth . His tongue sticks out , tasting the salt in the air . He flexes his jaw , taking in the blue sky , the white clouds , the gentle waves . He smiles at the captain . Other than the crew 's swords there is very little compelling him . Finally , the captain 's annoyance at the delay shows on his face . He focuses on ship on the horizon . He tries not to think of the men on the ship . He knows he will have to answer for his actions one day , but he 's trying to postpone that day for as long as possible . " I 'm fine . Sorry . " The cabby 's eyes dart from the road to the rearview mirror and back . " I 'm good . I 'm okay . " The cabby 's eyes return to the road and stay there , Lawrence was prepared to keep reassuring him for the rest of the drive as long as he didn 't take his eyes off the road . " That jetlag 's a bitch , isn 't it ? " " Yeah , jetlag . " He doesn 't really feel like talking so he looks out the window . What he sees unsettles him so much that he almost closes his eyes again . Outside the cab desert stretched on for miles . When he 'd met the cabby at the airport he 'd been fine . They 'd been in the middle of a city . He preferred the buildings and people to the endless dry expanse . He tried to think of it as a sea of earth but it just made him queasy . He can 't help it , he closes his eyes . " We 're almost there , " the cabby rouses him . " If I 'd of known I wouldn 't have let you sleep at all . You wouldn 't believe how many people fall asleep in my cab from the airport . " The cabby keeps up a steady stream of chitchat for the next few minutes . Lawrence doesn 't say much , but he 's glad for the distraction . " Here we go , buddy . " He pulls up in front of an independent diner . Lawrence can tell the sign was made with care when it was painted , years in the desert sun has faded it badly . " They got good food here ? " " I don 't know . This is my first time here . " He pays the fare and steps out of the air - conditioned interior . His lips are immediately dry and cracked . The heat cuts him to the core as fast as it dried his lips , the urge to speak rises in him . He needs to escape this heat , he 's drowning in dryness . He rushes inside hoping that they 'll have air - conditioning . No such luck . The interior of the restaurant is as faded as the exterior . He seats himself , impatiently tapping his foot waiting for the waitress . He can hear the sound of the wind . Not the dry , lifeless wind of the desert , but the damp , alive wind of the storm . It 's calling to him , begging him to call out . He licks his lips with a tongue he can barely feel . He can 't help himself , the desert is antithesis for him . Why had he decided to come here ? To satisfy some adolescent curiosity ? He takes one long , shuttering breath . " The special , two of them , just bring me a pitcher of water . " His throat feels so dry . He has to speak now before he loses his chance . " Hmph ! " With blurry vision he watches her flounce back to the kitchen . He grabs the edge of the table to steady himself . He 's clenching his jaw by the time she comes back with a glass for him . He swallows half of it . The cool liquid fills him , calming him . Vision clears , hands stop shaking , the urge lessening . The torrent of wind in his ears shifts to a gentle breeze . How close had he come ? The waitress turns to leave again , he grabs her arm . " Can I get you anything else ? " She says it in such a way that makes Lawrence wonder if it 's actually a question . She tired of him he can tell . She 's too used to bullying the locals . He doesn 't trying to be nice to her , he just takes out a fifty and lays it on the table . " This is your tip if you keep bringing me pitchers of water . " Her eyes gleam slightly as she stares at the bill on the table . Slowly she puts the pitcher on the table . " Thank you . " He drains the rest of his glass and pours another . He finishes this one in three huge gulps . He doesn 't feel as trapped now , his breathing has evened out . He fills the glass a third time , finishing off the pitcher , but only sips this one . A couple minutes pass , the waitress brings his two specials and another pitcher . Lawrence only picks at his food . Between the desert and the age of the equipment in the diner the food is completely dry . Mainly he just cuts up the food and moves it around on his plate . Mainly he watches the people in the restaurant . He immediately discounts his waitress . Seeing her move around the diner , speaking with her , she 's spent most of her life trying to get away from this place . It 's a pity that she 'd never really feel like she belongs anywhere . An old man sits in another booth . He is weathered , his countenance telling the story of a life in the desert . Despite the heat of the day he 's drinking coffee . Lawrence would have considered him a likely candidate if his research didn 't tell him he is looking for someone younger . Besides the old man doesn 't look like he belongs here , only that he 's gotten used to living here . It 's an old style diner setup , so Lawrence can see the cook behind the half wall separating the kitchen from the dining area . Cook would be a wonderful job for who he 's looking for . The heat rising from the stove providing a fix for the cravings while at work . Though nothing compared to the natural heat of the desert it would do while at work . Unfortunately the cook is wearing a sleeveless shirt that 's plastered to his body with sweat . Lawrence 's heart falls . He 's not close enough to the cook to pick up a flow from him , but the fact that he 's sweating tells him all he needs to know . It 's possible his sources were wrong . It 's not easy to track a Bearer . The burden / gift they bear making it too hard to get a fix on them . He 's about to get up , throwing the contents of his glass down his throat , when the kitchen door swings open and a young man steps through . Lawrence puts his cup down and watches him . Something in the way he moves is different . Somehow his movements come off as light , almost bouncy . Even just clearing dishes from tables , his movements are quick , precise . He wears a t - shirt , jeans , and boots , all are cheap , but he still has an air of status . Lawrence notes that he 's not sweating . He looks up , checking for more stray dishes . Lawrence motions him over . " You finished with this , mister ? " Lawrence inhales and catches the scent of aged stone . " Sorry , mister , I 'm just here for the dishes . You 'll want to try Craiper St . around ten tonight . " He grabs a plate , Lawrence grabs his wrist . Sun … Heat … Dry … Sand … Lawrence pulls his hand away , palm red . Perspiration stands out on the young man 's brow now , fear in his eyes . He slides into the booth across from Lawrence . Lawrence pours another glass of water and waits for the boy to say something . " I 'm on break ! " She throws up her hands and goes back into the kitchen . Tito smiles at Lawrence . " Let 's go outside . " Lawrence downs his water and follows him out and around the diner . " I 'm Benjamin Fuller , but everyone calls me , Tito . Now who the hell are you ? " It 's a fair question . If he doesn 't know what he is then he 's probably really freaked out . Lawrence can 't blame him , he 's been there . " Ha , not likely , man . " Tito looks skeptical , very skeptical . There 's at least fifteen years between them . And while Tito isn 't a full blooded Mexican , Lawrence can tell at least one of his parents is , while Lawrence couldn 't be more white without being an albino . It 's hard to believe . " I don 't mean biologically . I mean spiritually . " Tito 's face is instantly serious . " You can feel it , can 't you ? That subtle , tickling at the back of your brain that makes you feel like you know me , even while at your core I unsettle you . " " Yes . " Tito looks so relieved that it breaks Lawrence 's heart . He knows what it 's like to finally have this explained . Lawrence had spent three years in a mental hospital trying to deal by himself . Tito is a strong young man . " Where is there open desert ? " Tito points down an alley . Lawrence starts walking , Tito doesn 't need to be told to follow , he falls into step next to Lawrence careful not to touch him . They come out the other end of the alley seeing open land . For Lawrence it 's as close to nothing as he ever wants to get . Longing fills Tito 's eyes . " I want to share something with you . Watch out there . " Lawrence takes a deep breath and centers himself . The urge to speak has been growing since they stepped out of the diner , the dryness creeping in to all his dark places . Tito 's hands fly up to cover his ears . " Ah ! What the hell ? " FLASH ! BOOM ! The thunder cuts off any further curses . Tito 's gaze is drawn out to the desert , where black storm clouds have formed out of nowhere . The fear is back in his eyes , he retreats till his back hits the wall to the building . " What have you done ? " " I spoke my Word . We 're Word Bearers , Tito . You have your own . Can you feel it ? Deep in core . " Lawrence can see he 's confused . He 's frightened , overwhelmed . FLASHBOOM ! " You can stop this , Tito . Go ahead . Say your Word . I want to hear it . " " I don 't … I 'm not sure . " Confusion and fear war on Tito 's face . Lawrence hopes he won 't run . He didn 't mean to scare the boy . " Of course you 're sure . You 've known it for centuries , you just haven 't spoken it yet . It 's okay . I 'm here with you . " His first step is hesitant , his second is firm , his third is confident . Lawrence realizes he 's holding his breath . Tito looks up at him , he nods . Tito fixes his gaze on the storm . " " There it is . It 's as quiet as Lawrence 's Word is loud , but no less powerful . It 's so beautiful . As Lawrence watches the storm clouds dissipate a tear rolls down his cheek . 2 Dad suffered even from a sight of blood , and he never killed a hen nor slaughtered a pig . But I was aware that once he had donated his blood in the name of my Mum still , because she 'd had a narrow escape on an operating table then . With me a doctor would have my blood tested in a moment : one , two and it 's done . But first they make you ready for rather a time : take a seat , then have a proper finger chosen , though it is always just the one , then they wipe it with spirits until take somewhat sharp like a mini - scalpel . Not everyone can stand the procedure , but I was not against it when a doctor suggested me having my blood tested . She was a likable one , youngish for her age , not married or divorced , probably . And she had no child , I felt it immediately , she had such a look , barren if you want . Possibly for health reasons she could not bear a child or she didn 't find a right man . Or she could have a particular blood group not to have a child with anyone , that 's why she employed at a doctor 's consulting room to make blood tests . And she urged me to have my blood tested . At first I didn 't mind it , the right thing it is , still she didn 't ask my permission . " Just let 's have your blood tested " , she said and left me . She had many things to do I suppose . In doctor 's smocks they walked hither and thither all the time at a clinic there talking over the heads of those waiting , as if one was dead already . And I was still alive and a nurse was preparing to have my blood tested . While she got me ready she was chattering . She said that men were afraid of blood testing nowadays . More and more they refused to do it and ran away sometimes seeing a drop of blood . And one had nothing to fear , there was a couch behind the curtain in a special emergency to lie low , in case one fainted . She pulled the white curtain aside and showed me a couch with dark green leatherette and I shivered all at once : what for they needed my blood ? She suggested me taking off a jacket and rolling up my sleeve , left or right one , I don 't rMy Bio : Mr . Valery Petrovskiy is a journalist and short story writer from Russia . Не is an English Department graduate at Chuvash State University , Cheboksary , graduated in journalism at VKSch Higher School , Moscow and in psychology at Kazan State Technology University . He has been writing prose since 2005 . Some of his writing has been published in The Scrambler , Rusty Typer , BRICKrethoric , NAP Magazine , Literary Burlesque , The Other Room , Curbside Quotidian , DANSE MACABRE , WidowMoon Press , PRIME MINCER , Apocrypha and Abstractions , The Legendary in the USA , and in Australian " Skive " and " Going Down Swinging " magazines . At the moment he is writer - in - residence at Marco Polo Art Mag . It 's dark in here . That 's because I live at the bottom of the jewellery box along with the other outcasts : the tangled necklace with the broken lobster claw and teddy pendant she got for her eleventh birthday , along with the bracelet that 's missing a couple of gem stones . She always says she will have them repaired but never does , preferring to spend the money on more fashionable pieces instead that imitate Asian and Oriental designs . An untrained eye might imagine that they were found by a back - packer on their travels , but they weren 't . They can be bought from any shop on the high - street , and are merely echoes of worlds she 's never seen . Not all of us down here are broken though . I 'm not , and neither is the engagement ring she got from Mark , ( who eventually cheated on her with Shannon from Reception , ) or the belly bar she took out when she put weight on and decided looked too young for her anyway . The ones at the top who get worn more often pity us , ( ' how boring it must be , ' they say to each other in whispers they think we can 't hear , ' being cooped up down there , month in , month out , ' ) but in a way they 're jealous . As I 've said , you could buy them in their hundreds if you wanted to , and they are without sentimental value like the childhood necklace or the belly bar that reminds her of her wild teens and early twenties . They 're easily replaced and she gives them away when they become outdated - or chucks them if even her younger sister and the charity shops say no , thanks . She doesn 't like Mark 's ring or me , so it isn 't often that her fingers dig through the chunky bangles and strings of beads to bring me to the surface . It happens maybe three or four times a year when she has arranged to visit The Matriarch . The ring doesn 't even get a look in . Why Mark wouldn 't let her give it back to him so that he could give it to someone he did love is beyond us ; at least that way it would have been enjoyed . All the same , seeing as I 'm an heirloom and the ring is eighteen carat white goPerhaps you imagine I get bitter when the voices of the favoured ones float above my head , chattering away about their ventures out of the box : days at work , dinners , dates , parties and who was there , who wasn 't there , what she wore … you get the drift . Or worse , maybe you feel sorry for me . I 'd rather you didn 't . Pity the rest but not me . I 'm not so keen on their weight pressing down on me but I don 't mind the dark . In fact I quite like it . It reminds me of home , my real one , from before I met people . As for being bitter , you can rule that out . I 'm a pearl , darling ; it 's not in my nature . You lot have seen me as a symbol of love for thousands of years and I do try to live up to my name by being kind - although I cannot help but wince sometimes at the irony , given that the first person I ever met died . Don 't look at me like that ; it wasn 't my fault . But that 's why she doesn 't like me . All the same , when you 've being kept in a family for over a century you do take an interest in your present owner , even if it 's not reciprocated , so I enjoy listening to the young ones ' gossip . Let them have their fun while they still can . The best they can hope for is a place in a child 's dressing - up box in just a few , short years so they might as well enjoy it . 2 . Memories . I might be old - fashioned and be from a past that she and you would rather forget , but I 'm not like your kind . I will endure and outlive the others , her - even you . And I never forget . My memory doesn 't grow weak with age , it gets stronger . I can still smell what my home was like ; still feel the movements of the person who found me when he panicked and rushed too quickly to the top , and the urgent , grasping hand of the first , but different person to ever touch me , as though I 'd only stopped smelling and feeling them a minute ago . The memories of my owners and the events in their lives play like the films you are so fond of ; the moment when her grandfather proposed to her grandmother , and the christening of her mother , they are a3 . Before she grew up . I suppose you think it strange that her grandmother , ( or The Matriarch as she jokingly calls her , ) skipped a generation and gave me to someone who doesn 't like me , but it never used to be this way . When she was little and used to visit her grandmother she would ask , ( very politely after giving her a peck on the cheek , ) if she could play with her jewellery box . The answer was always yes , and she would very carefully hunt through the diamonds and gold to find me , pin me to her jumper and wear me for the rest of the time she was there . It became something of a ritual , to the point where her grandmother began to pick me out herself and would put me on the coffee table ready for when she arrived . When she was eighteen , The Matriarch had a heart attack , and fearing that she would never leave hospital , insisted on the girl 's mother driving for two hours to get me , so that she could give me to her personally before it was too late . They were very close , and still are in spite of the distance , for she survived against all the odds . Whenever she goes to see her she always comments on how lovely it is , seeing her granddaughter all grown up , wearing her old brooch that 's always been her favourite . And I was for a time . Traditionally I was only worn for a special or significant occasion , but when she was at college I had the strange but enjoyable experience of being put in her pocket and going with her , and if she felt nervous about something her fingers would slide down to stroke me . Normally I hated people manhandling me , but I didn 't mind in her case - it was better than her biting her nails . It was almost as if she thought that having me with her would stop something bad happening - and I have been viewed as ' lucky . ' Stop sniggering , it 's true . In the days of knights and sword - fighting , we would be worn when the rich and noble went into battle because they thought we would protect them from harm , so don 't laugh at her . It felt good , being wanted , and I have to confess I came in danger You don 't like being reminded of your past - those days of glory when Britain ruled half the world . I think that 's why you apologise so much , and give more than you can afford to charities trying to save the poor and starving around the globe . It 's almost as though you 're trying to make up for all the wrongs done before you were born . And I 've tried to avoid talking about it in case you ran away - I get lonely sometimes and it 's nice having someone to talk to . But you can 't run forever , things have to be faced eventually . Some of you may already know and may already be trying to shut out the sound of my words by turning your thoughts to the plans you 've made for the weekend , but there 'll be a lot of you who don 't . There are lots of happy anecdotes from my owners ' lives I could have told you but this is the one you need to hear : My story . We are not like your kind , but there is one thing we have in common : just as you can 't remember coming out of the womb , we don 't know what it was like being a grain of sand or piece of shell squeezing our way inside an oyster and hardening ; all I remember is being . There were no thoughts , for when you live inside a shell there isn 't a great deal to think about - nothing happens . That probably sounds dull to you but there was no sadness , no pain or death . It was peaceful , just being . I didn 't know this at the time but even nothing has to come to an end eventually : the day would always have come when I would be found . It will be hard for you to understand what it was like being taken out of water , hearing sounds , seeing colours and light - all for the first time . On paper it sounds great , this explosion of life , but the reality was frightening - and even fear was something I had never heard of or felt before . Maybe that 's why your newborns usually cry when they come out , because they 're scared and want to go back . I 'm trying to think of ways to describe how it was to you , and the only way I can think of is for you to imagine an ancient Egyptian being placed in the middle of a supermarket . That might give you a better idea , but even that doesn 't come close . I 've learnt a lot since then - ( I 've had to , I didn 't have any other choice - ) but there 's one thing I 've never been able to get my head around , and that is time . Your lives are ruled by clocks and diaries telling you when deadlines or birthdays are due , but when you have so much time whole years , even decades can pass you by . Forgive me then , if I am a little hazy on dates . What I can tell you is that I was brought to the surface in the late 1800s , which makes me special . There aren 't many of us that come from nature now . Most are made by man in bulk on farms . Things changed . You suddenly became concerned about human life and diving equipment got better . Both meant that the world 's poor no were no longer forced to hold their breaths for comments » I knew that someone important was going to walk into my life at 12 : 15 , just after I normally drink tea and prepare for an slow day working on the horoscope . Now , maybe you might not believe me . After all , I am a professional charlatan . But I knew something was up , because for the last two weeks every prediction I have made actually worked out . It started when I saw Mrs Henderson . She was a fat woman , an unpleasant woman , a great client . Like most people who wanted a reading , she didn 't want the truth . And normally I didn 't give it to her . I pulled out the equipment . It was a plain set . It looked like bone china , but was made in china for a very low price . Mrs Henderson looked impressed anyway . She had a lot of money , and not a lot of sense . Anyway , I started reading the information contained in the tea leafs . And then the world went blank . When I returned to the world , Mrs Henderson was gone . I walked out of the shop I had rented , and another of the shopkeepers came up to me . He was normally an quiet , amicable chap . This time he looked like he wanted to throttle me . " She came out of here . Howling and crying , like you 'd tried to kill her . " he put his face up to mine , " You ever do it again and I 'll . . " " I don 't know what you 're talking about , " and I backed away from him . He stalked off . I walked back to my shop , ready to wait for my next appointment . Mrs Abbot didn 't come . She left a nervous message on my answer phone . At the time I didn 't realise why . Because I had no other clients for the day , I went home . My mouth opened wide . It was such a shock , it seemed like I 'd just been told I was about to die . And then . Then I was in my bed , looking at the ceiling . The police officers had gone . But it felt more real than a dream . It must have been a dream . Yeah , that was what it was , I convinced myself . Although I should have known better . In Ireland you can make a full time living as a psychic . less so in England . The English wouldn 't even pay you if you could predict the lottery . So I also work as a pitchman . Which , if you think about it , is just another way to make a dishonest buck . I walked to the nearest boot sale , and set up . It isn 't too crowded in the morning . And everyone is busy . So I crawl in through the hedge . They don 't know that I 'm there against the rules . I set up . My table is old fashioned . A suitcase with legs you fold out . Like the true pitchmen of the 50 's . My pitch is the worm . They wiggle around my hand , like they are alive . The fools in the crowd gave me money . That is what they are for . She had the longest blondest hair this side of fairyland , and her smile lights up the room like a flashlight . And I knew I am meant to talk to her . Just now . She walked off . I had the sense she is in trouble . She was poorer than she used to be , her clothes were expensive , but last years fashion . I had a feeling I will meet her again . When I got there , there was Mrs Henderson and her husband . Their eyes were red . They had been crying . I couldn 't understand what they were there for . I managed to get them to leave . At first I thought that the gossip would help me . But the truth is , no one wants to go to a psychic that tells them the truth . Life is hard enough . You go to a psychic to hear lies . I made some money as a pitchman , so it didn 't affect me too much . But I kept on having bad dreams . I kept on seeing people I knew in them . Not just that , I saw how they died . Their pain . And I started to write down what I saw . In a book by my bedside cabinet . The extra time I had meant I was drinking more too . It was like I 'd been cursed . But the worst was the Christians . They decided that these dreams were inspired by Satan . They set up the picket line in front of my office . I started to think I should simply leave . On Wednesday , the cleaner came in . She was a nosy parker . And no mistake . Her husband had died a few years back , and she was interested in everything . While it 's not the way she put it , she was very interested in the diary . All the details of the different murders and deaths I 'd seen . All the factual details that no one else other than the murderer could know . She took it to the police , and they read it , and they got their warrant . I arrived back at the normal time , and nothing was different . The book was there . I didn 't notice the surveillance cameras . Not at all . They broke in that night . It wasn 't a dream . And I looked up to them bleary eyed , a gun pointing in my face , and swore . They dragged me towards the back of the car , and I noticed someone had decided to give the press warning . So it was very public . Once in , they took me right there . And kitted me out in fetching jail clothing , since I was still in pyjamas . This was the first time I was in jail , and I can tell you it is not as bad as some people say . There is an odd vinegar smell , hiding other bodily fluids . And it is never quiet . There is always shouting going on , and doors slammed . But it was no worse than some hotels I 've been in while performing . I looked across at my lawyer . Short , thin , balding and bored . The police officer had my diary in front of him . He picked it up . " In it , you 've got the details of dozens of murders . Information the police hasn 't released to the public . Information . . . dare I say it , in some cases that the police didn 't even know themselves . " And that was it . That was the full content of the interview . I was hustled off into the cell , and ended up waiting for days . In telephone conversations with friends , I knew the police were digging up my life . I was given a notebook , and a pen , and I continued to write down my dreams . I thought I might as well . The police would search my cell every now and again , and confiscate them . They even moved me to solitary . Made sure no one could be feeding me this information . Or , presumably , that I wasn 't ordering the killings . But the dreams continued . They were getting worse and worse . Every morning I woke up feeling like I had not slept . I guess at least things looked up , because they took me from prison . They drove me along country lanes , towards a building . I can 't tell you precisely where it was . It just looked like an old school to be honest . You 'd never have guessed it was an intelligence headquarters . They bundled me out into an empty building . You 've heard of the secret prisons . Well , they are true . They dressed me up in a uniform , tagged my ankle , and locked me in a cage . The only thing they gave me was some paper and a pen to write down my dreams . Sometimes people came to research me . They put me in scanners , and gave me all kinds of medical tests . The results were unsurprising . I was just a normal , healthy individual . And that was how it seemed I was destined to live for the rest of my life . Until I started to hear the voices . They were low . Just like someone was talking in the next room . Distant . And I couldn 't make them out . That night I was tossing and turning , and I heard someone shout out my name . I woke up . No one was there . Then I tried to get asleep again , and managed it . But the voice was insistent . Nothing answered me . The guards walked past my cell . But with the dreams and the voices , I was getting no sleep . It started to affect me so badly I would not even eat food . Within a few days I was exhausted . Mentally and physically drained . And I guess that is what the creatures wanted . Because soon they broke through . It 's hard to tell you how it felt . But if you have ever had a moment of shock , when you suddenly feel like you aren 't there , you 'll know . He said his name . And then the voice faded away . But I knew I had to do precisely what he told me . I 'd go mad otherwise . Maybe I was already mad . The opportunity came sooner than I expected . My handlers were getting anxious . I was producing less predictions than normal , and the federal conviction rate was plummeting through the floor . The handlers looked like model citizens . Dark suits , a man and a woman dressed formally , like they were lawyers . They flashed their badge to me . I don 't know why , the fact I was in a prison gave them away . The police officer fell back . You could see him working it through in his mind . Despite the success of my predictions , he settled on the conclusion I was mad . After all , psychic phenomena were impossible . He 'd read that once . I shook my head . But that night , I was thinking about it , and decided that I had to ask . Had to have a conversation , if only for my sanity . When the voices started up , I leaned forward in my bed . I asked the question again . But he would say nothing of use to me . he would only repeatedly ask me to find his killers . Not very useful . Eventually , I managed to coax his name from him . Nigel . Not a very good name for a joke . That was the strange thing . No murder victims of that name came up . Not any time soon . But a week later , a Nigel disappeared . And I realised the truth . I looked through the court reports . He had been killed by stabbing . They wouldn 't let me out of the jail . So all I could do was read the files they brought on him . And I got the feeling that many of the details had been redacted . it was like looking for a haystack in an elephant : messy and not very satisfactory . There were only two people I decided who could have done it . They both had a great deal to gain . At the end of the day , though , there is a limit to what you can do from inside a jail cell . The guards looked sceptically at me when I asked for it . But I was responsible for half the murder arrests in the district for the last six months . So they eventually gave me what I wanted . Especially when I refused to furnish them with any more information . I don 't know if you have ever been to a proper séance . Well , to be honest , most of the time the knocks are from the medium . But this time it was different . Within moments of the séance starting , I was aware that the room was colder . Then the entire board lifted off the table , and flew towards me . It hit the wall a few inches from my face . The room warmed up again . The presence was gone . For a little while . " I didn 't " I replied . I knew that he didn 't believe me . But he would have to show more senior people . And I knew they couldn 't afford to risk me . I went back to bed . For the first time in weeks , I had no bad dreams . I guess Nigel knew I understood his message . I slept very soundly . Until the next morning . But my guards didn 't really understand . Or they did not want to understand . My handler met me in the interview room the next morning . He looked tired . Besides him sat a man I hadn 't seen before . He wore the cleanest , most expensive suit I had seen during my stay at the states pleasure . The man stood up . He walked out of the room . Measured , and without menace . But he didn 't seem to be a man used to dealing with no . My handler shook his head . He didn 't need to tell me the consequences . All of a sudden , I was put on suicide watch . Woken up every thirty minutes to see if I wasn 't dead yet . The heating in my cell surprisingly broke . I knew I was in their hands totally . But I never realised what it was like to displease them . You see , Nigel might be a ghost , but that doesn 't mean he is stupid . He can see what is happening . He knows they are stopping me doing what he wants . And this gets him angry . They first times he acted , it looked like coincidence . The guards chair would tilt under him , depositing him on the floor . Or cups of coffee were not placed firmly enough on the table . The guards were spooked by me . They knew that I was able to see things they could not . But although the guards face became pale , his hand on the trigger was steady and firm . It was too late . The chair slammed into the guard . He dropped to the floor . Then I saw the guards keys float from his pocket . My cell door was unlocked . I walked over to the guard , stripped his clothes off , and changed into his uniform . I thought I didn 't have much of a choice . If I didn 't do what Nigel wanted he would kill me . Every door I came to slid open without me doing anything . It would have been creepy if I didn 't know what was happening . Soon the alarms started to ring out . People would be grabbing their guns , getting ready to shoot me . I could feel my heart trying to escape from my chest . I soon arrived at fire exit . It opened in front of me . I climbed down some steps . Below me , I could see coppers swarming . I continued to walk down . One of the coppers recognised me . I ran in the opposite direction . He took aim , and I could hear the gun explode behind me . But the bullet didn 't pierce my skin like I expected . Instead , it ended in the ground . I reached a police car , and the engine came on without anyone doing anything . Then I went into a store and bought black trousers and a white shirt . Got changed . And walked out of the shopping centre , expecting to be caught at any time . In my pocket there was five hundred dollars . That was all I had in the world , except for an insane ghost . I decided it was time to go to the library . After chatting to the librarian for a few seconds , she walked me over to a computer which had copies of the local papers for the last twenty years . I typed a search . At first I found nothing , but as I expanded the search back I found him . According to the interview , he was found murdered in his bed . He had been asleep . His wife had been charged and convicted of his murder . But she said she was innocent . Nothing came in response . I knew that would happen . It was too much to hope for . It was getting late at night . The librarian was fussing near me . It was time to go . When you are a fugitive , it isn 't as simple to find a place to stay as booking a room in a hotel . I walked round , looking for an empty house . It took me an hour . Occasionally a police car would go past . It made me nervous . At one time it would have been a posh bungalow . But whoever had owned it had been taken to a care home , and it was covered in weeds and neglect . I walked up to the door , and it swings open . That is one of the advantages of your own private poltergeist . Inside it was a mess . But dry and water proof . There was a wood burning stove in one room . The power was off , and Nigel didn 't turn it on . But the water was only off at the mains . It was easy enough to get it working again . In the morning I would have to start the process of searching for Nigel Slater . I knew roughly where he lived . I fell asleep , and woke up hungry and cramped . Outside , I could hear rustling . I peeked through the window , and could see a man dressed only in black . He looked like he was not very friendly . I ducked down , but he must have seen me . He edged towards the door . It was locked , but he slammed it open . I hid behind the sofa . it didn 't help . He walked towards me . I noticed he had a poker in his hand . There was no way he wouldn 't find me . I stood up . I looked over at him . He had a long scar down his face . it seemed like he was used to trouble . And he was straining to start a fight . I did what he said . He followed me . I thought he might hit me at any second . or recognise me . They must have put my picture out into the news by now . I sighed with relief , but knew that my location might be passed onto the police . I decided it was time to get out of the town . I caught a bus , and tried to hide my face . Since I hadn 't had a bath for a few days it was easier than you might think . People did not want to look me in the eyes . I arrived at Nigel 's house six hours latter . It was a solemn house . A plane front garden laid to grass , brick frontage , and white windows . It didn 't look like anyone had ever cared for it . It looked like it was a place to sleep and not to stay . It took me a few minutes to settle down , and watch the street . There was nothing extraordinary about it . A few people walked past , taking little interest in the stranger . After watching for half an hour , I knew there was little information here for me . Talking round the local shops I found out that Nigel had been a quiet man . Few people knew him , past his saying hello . he didn 't seem to have been involved in anything wrong . or indeed in anything at all . I decided that there could only really have been one source of trouble . He must have found out something at work . Something that made him worth more to someone dead than alive . I got some annual reports from his company and studied them . Amazing what is available on the internet these days . There was little of interest . I applied to work at Nigel 's company as a cleaner . it was a big risk . I supplied false references , and knew they would not check them for months . That 's the thing about cleaners . No one takes any notice . So I got the job , and examined the work place thoroughly . It looked like an office . The computers were always on . Once or twice I looked over the shoulder of someone working but it was all gobbledygook to me . To make it worse , I saw my face on the newspaper when I went for food . Sure , I looked a lot different now . I had grown longer hair , a beard , and was thinner . But it was still me . I grew suspicious of other people . Then came my big break . Several people were working in the office late . I overhead them speaking about a billion dollar deal . The company was getting bought out . I checked the internet , and there was something in the trade section . The routine was the same every day . But one of my colleagues had not turned up to work . So I was asked to clean the main office . I did so . But I did more than that , I broke into the file cabinets , and started reading company secrets . But that didn 't save me for long . The next day I arrived at work a few minutes earlier . Something told me that things were wrong . The security guard on the gate was new . He told me to go out to the bosses office . I walked into a small lab , and looked around . There was a window , and I tried to open it . In the distance I could see five police cars . The window wouldn 't open . There was only one way out . And I knew that by now , there would be police officers between me and the door . I looked round to find a chair . Then used it to break the window . The alarm went , and I slid through the empty hole . But I caught my shoulder on a shard of glass . I was bleeding . The police gave up their pretence . Dozens of sirens started up , heading towards the building . I ran through a green space . I knew that there was only one way out of the compound except the front gate . A hole in the fence I had noticed a few days earlier . But over head their was a helicopter . Although I ran like the wind , it wasn 't enough . I could hear the police men getting closer and closer . I turned around and saw two police officers . They both had guns pointed at me . I raised my hands , and they soon had me on the ground . I arrived at my destination a few hours latter . This time they were taking no chances . I arrived at a super maximum prison . Surrounded by barbed wire , dogs , and armed police officers it was obvious I 'd never get out . The next day the interrogation began . Again and Again . Asking me where I had gone . What I had done . I eventually broke down and told them everything . But that didn 't stop them continuing . Maybe what they were doing was no crime . But it was a form of torture . Eventually , the interrogations stopped . They gave me paper . They wanted to go back to how it used to be . But by that time I had got so angry , even when I did have a dream I kept it to myself . I wasn 't there . So all I can do is repeat the report that was made to me . No guarantee it is what happened . Apparently the director of the FBI had been having an extramarital affair . He was in bed that normal , and engaging in exercise at the same time . This was not expected , but what was even more unexpected was the windows opening wide . And the explosions of a gun . The director of the FBI 's gun . But I do know that it made the national news . The assistant director of the FBI resigned . And , to be frank , most of the people in the FBI did not care much about that . But it was fair warning . He didn 't seem to be exactly happy about what had happened . In fact , he stormed in to the visiting room , and let loose a barrage of swear words . I sat there passively , listening to him . When he calmed down sufficiently , he sat down . " Nigel was right . All he wants is his murderer found . But he isn 't going to stop . Not until that is done . Not even if he has to kill someone else to do it . " " No . I am not . Nigel is a threat to you . If you stand in the way , that is . He is a ghost . What can you do to get rid of him ? " The director of the FBI thought for a few seconds . An hour latter , a priest turned up with bell , book and candle . it didn 't work spectacularly . The power went off , the candle blew out , the bell rang , and the book was thrown across the room . The director gestured to the mirror and two toughs walked in . They carried some rope . They tied me to the chair , and lifted a cosh over their heads . Then all hell broke lose . The cosh swung back by itself . it raised into the air , and came down , laying out one of the thugs . The other caught me a glancing blow , but something unseen lifted him from the floor and threw him against the wall . " You have a choice . Director . Help find Nigel 's killer . Or , I think , Nigel will chase you down and gut you like a fish . " Eventually the Director settled down again . He sat in his chair , silently looking at me . I wasn 't a pretty picture . Thin , and in prison coveralls . I must have looked like a real criminal . They let me go that afternoon . Put me in a suit , and told me I was seconded to the FBI . I was even given my own agent . He was tall , thin , and looked every inch the government man . The agent shook his head . He gave nothing away . That was when I knew he wasn 't sent to help me . Just to keep an eye out on me . Nevertheless , I decided that I could use him . Like he wanted to use me . I looked over to him , and told him to get a warrant . We were going to search Nigel 's company . And read every damn bit of paper they had about Sigma . When we arrived at the door , they had their lawyer sorted out already . Someone must have leaked it . He looked like he had cost a lot of money . " I 'm afraid we have the right not to incriminate ourselves . We are asserting that right . Both as a company , and as individuals . So , no , you can ask any questions but we will not answer them . " I was surprised when I found the clue . It was something no one else would have noticed . A single envelope in the bin . It contained an address . I think Nigel must have been helping me . I was drawn to it . But the thing I noticed was the fact the address had a Sigma stamp . Once we were out of the building , I decided to break away from the FBI agent . I knew some things would work better on my own . it was easier said than done . When I tried to go for a walk that night , he insisted on staying right by me . Getting to the address was difficult . I didn 't have a car , I had to take the bus . Most of the journey there wasn 't even that . And it had began to rain . I must have looked odd , walking around town that late at night , soaked . In fact , I surprised no copper stopped me . " Good enough , " I said . Knowing I was lying as I said it . It wasn 't like it was my strong point . The expression on the coppers face showed he thought not either . He stood there behind me his mouth opened , as I shimmied the lock . it opened . I walked in . This was a mistake , I didn 't notice the small CCTV camera , the camera that was hidden in a plug socket . But it was sending my picture right up to the security office . I worked quickly , going up the stairs to the office . I don 't know what I had expected to see . But what I did see looked just like any other office . Even down to the half drunk cup of coffee . I woke up in the boot of a car . I could feel the engine running , and smell burning petrol . It was pick black . The car started off , bumping along the ground . Hitting me from side to side . My hands were tied behind my back . It was lucky I knew a little magic . I got the knot loose without much effort . Then I grovelled around the car to find something , anything that could help me . There was a wrench , which I picked up . I put the rope around my wrists , hiding the fact I was loose . And put the wrench in my pocket . The boot of the car swung open . One of the security guards lifted me out of the boot . He was covered in muscle . My mouth opened wide . That was the last thing I expected to hear . They marched me along the ground and I saw him for the first time . Nigel . Alive . Then the room went strange . Something turned the lights off , and opened the windows . It even raised a chair off the ground . The security guard looked worried for the first time . " For the last month , I have been searching for the person who killed Nigel Slater . You , sir , are Nigel Slater . But it seems your ghost hasn 't got the information you are alive . " But it didn 't work . By the time that the ambulance arrived , Nigel was in a deep coma . It took only a short time after that until the first homicide detective got there . But the truth is , it was fate . No ones fault . Except the murderer . After all , how can Nigel Slater 's ghost come into my dreams unless he is actually killed ? What happened next surprised me . The cops arrested me . Told me I was being held on suspicion of murder . I told them not to be idiots , but they wrote it in their notebooks and not their minds . By that point the clues would be getting stale , so I drove right to the company . But they wouldn 't let me in . it was a police investigation , they said . No dice . I called the FBI agent and asked him to run the full scan on Slater . By the time he had finished I would know every single family member . And all I had to do was interview them . The only clue left to me was Sigma . The company was closed for a few hours , but the managing director wasn 't . Again the FBI came to my rescue . They had the address , and I wasn 't afraid to use it . We walked up the garden path . It wasn 't the most luxurious house that a managing director had ever lived at . But I knocked on the door anyway . I walked in . Behold , the group was all there . The director of the FBI himself . The attorney general . And a four star general . I could feel the back of my assistant straightening up . The Managing Director pressed a button on the TV . It switched on . Nigel Slater 's office . I saw him pick up his glass . Put the chemicals in it . The MD fast forwarded . Nigel killed himself . " Oil . We got him to produce computer models . All the oil reserves . He was so great . . . well , he could produce a program that told us exactly where oil was , just from satellite images . " Just at that moment a dozen armed guards came into the room . Their guns were pointed right at me . I raised my hands , and was soon plunged into the carpet . They searched me . Didn 't find anything interesting . " Yeah . But I don 't think you did it . I don 't think you were that smart . But I don 't know what this being who calls himself Nigel Slater is , " I didn 't struggle . By now , them putting handcuffs on me was almost routine . I just wish I had been able to continue my life as a charlatan . I didn 't know what to say to that . it was true . it was obvious when you think about it . Nigel had told me he was murdered when he was still alive . but no one ever said the soul was bound to the arrow of time . Within a few minutes we had picked up an escort . From what I could tell , they had closed the road down . Only we were travelling that evening . I gulped . It looked like things were just about to head for the worse . The trip to the Whitehouse was the most fraught I had experienced in my life . The director of the FBI was reading faxes and emails in the car . His face was getting more and more pale . " I guess like the English did in WWII . With disinformation . We need to get an Chinese agent and feed him bad info . And I guess Nigel might be your best hope for that . " I guess the FBI director caught on quickly . Because he could go anywhere , Nigel could listen to the Chinese chatter . He could find Chinese agents . Maybe he didn 't know Chinese , but he knew enough to listen in to the English language conversations . It wasn 't a new concept . The CIA had investigated it in the sixties . But they didn 't have a real life ghost , so their experiments failed . This time we had a real ghost . I asked them to pick out the Ouija board again . The séance room was a sight you had never seen in your life . The president and the director of the FBI holding hands , in a dark room . The president of the united states shook his head . You could tell he couldn 't believe what he was seeing . He got up from his seat , and you could almost hear his bones cracking . Over in the corner of the room I could see a computer with satellite images . I could watch the Chinese fleet mobilising in real time . The number of dots that represented aircraft carriers alone was scary . " It will only be a few days before we have to mobilise our own navy . " The wait was excruciating . But suddenly five hours latter , the board started spelling out a name . The FBI director went to work . Within minutes they had the file out . He didn 't look like what you would expect of a Chinese agent . He had long , blonde hair , was dressed in a respectable suit , and had a respectable job . He worked in the old navy base . His job was to work on the files , reading sensitive military information . Including information about resource allocation . Once they checked his bank account the truth became obvious . The FBI director stood up , and paced down the long thin corridor . Then he arrived back in the meeting room with a young woman . She was dressed in military uniform . He explained the plan . It was simple . The Chinese agent needed to think it had all been a hoax . But for that to work , he would have to eat a pack of lies . I wasn 't there , so I can report only what I have been told . The female agent I had been introduced to worked in the old navy headquarters . She worked in the files there . It is a room full of top secret papers . Room might be the wrong word ; it was the size of an aircraft hanger . She worked there , and had spent months being bored . So naturally , she had struck up a conversation with the handsome blonde military attaché . And , the conversation was reciprocated . The director of the FBI looked at her . She didn 't look like much to put the freedom of the world onto . But she was eager . And after being told what to do , she didn 't complain . She saluted . I stood at the back of the room , watching the Director of the FBI feeling out the officer , and knew I would have to talk to Nigel alone . I didn 't trust her . She looked too good to be true with her starched uniform and willing smile . The new agent went into a staff car , to be driven to the headquarters . She looked very lonely in the back of the car . Meanwhile , we walked to the operations room . There was a banks of monitors the length of the room . We could see satellite images of the build up of the Chinese fleet , as well as real time updates of our spies . I nodded . Then looked back over to the screens . I could see our agent depositing the papers in her draw . She phoned up the Chinese agent , and set up dinner . It looked like a glorious feast . Roast duck , with all the trimmings . The doorbell went . She walked over to it , and opened it . She said something , and the Chinese agent walked into the room . After ten minutes of conversation , she walked away . To go to the toilet . He walked over to the draws , and started rummaging . After a few minutes he found the file our agent had left . He took out the smallest camera you have ever seen , and clicked the image . After that , he put the files away . After he left , the confirmation came thick and fast . The Chinese fleet disbanded . It was amazing to see , but they split up within a matter of hours . Soon the sea around Taiwan was empty except for commercial shipping . I guess that if this had been a story that would be it . I would have been given a party , a celebration , and been allowed to leave . After all , I had saved the day . Well , Nigel did leave . I haven 't heard from him since . After they had finished celebrating , a guard collected me , and drove me in a prison van to here . It is a cold concrete cell . I am allowed a TV , and to write carefully vetted letters . I 'm not sure how I will post this , my story . Maybe I will write it under the postage stamp . I guess for an old crook like me , it is fair . But I wish I had been sent to jail for something I did . And not for some trumped up terrorist charge . Currently we only offer payment for one story selected as the feature story in the monthly pdf magazine only . The successful author will be contacted to organise payment via paypal for a $ 5AUD payment . 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The ship swayed and creaked . He feels every bit of it in his body . Taking no chances the crew , damnedable pirates , have chained him with no give . Legs bound in a kneeling position , arms chained to either wall crucifying him to the ship like a perverse figurehead , he 's been their captive long enough to have forgotten the feel of kindness . It is a small blessing that their fear of him keeps his gag in place at all times . It keeps them from coming anywhere near him . The captain learned a long time ago that he gleans all he needs to live from the moisture in the air , the brine in his eyes . During storms , when he is strongest , the captain posts guards with him . They don 't look at him . A terrible hope fills him today . By the movement of the ship and the crew 's curses , he knows that they 're being pursued by another ship . This ship is a runner , fast . There 'd be little concern of capture if the ship did not gain its quickness from being light , gain its lightness from having little room for armaments or supplies . The pursuers have had them going for a week now and they 'd been out of port for at least a month . He knows from the panic in the crew that the food is all but gone . Soon they 'll be too weak to load what small guns are aboard . He 'd be surprised if they could remember how to sight the cannons it 's been so long since the captain has ordered them used . His hope stems from the pirates ' desperation . If they succumb to practicality then they 'll come for him . With frightened hearts and shaking hands , they 'll undo his chains and he 'll get to spend some time under the sky instead of under foot . So he waits for their desperation to bloom practicality . It does not take long . The first mate comes with three guards and the keys . It is always the first mate that comes to get him . The captain coming himself would make him a person that the captain fears , he wouldn 't last long once that got out among the crew . The first mate is the only one he trusts with the keys to his chains . " The captain wants to see you . " He speaks with a unique accent that comes with the ship 's pidgin of French , Spanish , and Greek . His ears hear the gibberish , but his mind provides him with the meaning . Slowly , they unchain his arms from the ship and secure them behind his back . The guards are afraid to touch him , unsure whether he 'll break or they 'll be infected with something . It strikes him as odd how religious some of these men are . Coming onto the deck , sea spray hits him in the face , covers his bare chest . He instantly feels more alive . He stands taller , muscles flex , the chains bite into his skin . They take him to the captain , standing at the aft of the ship . He stands beside the captain looking out at the wide ocean , the only thing marring their perfect view of the horizon the pursuers . The first mate and guards fold themselves into the three other men standing around them . The captain just stands there for a few minutes , ignoring him . This too is done to show the crew he will do this in his own time , to show that the man he keeps below decks does not frighten him . Around the gag , behind the locked mouth plate , he smiles . Only he and the captain know what he is , and he knows that the captain is frightened of that . " I have use of you . " From under his coat he draws out the key that only he is allowed to keep . He inserts into lock for the face plate . " If you hurt this ship my men will stab you and you will die before you can swim for freedom . Like always , yeah ? " He nods . It 's always the same threat . It vaguely occurs to him that this is only a half life . But then , the spirits would kill for half a life . The plate falls away and he spits the wooden wedge from his mouth . His tongue sticks out , tasting the salt in the air . He flexes his jaw , taking in the blue sky , the white clouds , the gentle waves . He smiles at the captain . Other than the crew 's swords there is very little compelling him . Finally , the captain 's annoyance at the delay shows on his face . He focuses on ship on the horizon . He tries not to think of the men on the ship . He knows he will have to answer for his actions one day , but he 's trying to postpone that day for as long as possible . " I 'm fine . Sorry . " The cabby 's eyes dart from the road to the rearview mirror and back . " I 'm good . I 'm okay . " The cabby 's eyes return to the road and stay there , Lawrence was prepared to keep reassuring him for the rest of the drive as long as he didn 't take his eyes off the road . " That jetlag 's a bitch , isn 't it ? " " Yeah , jetlag . " He doesn 't really feel like talking so he looks out the window . What he sees unsettles him so much that he almost closes his eyes again . Outside the cab desert stretched on for miles . When he 'd met the cabby at the airport he 'd been fine . They 'd been in the middle of a city . He preferred the buildings and people to the endless dry expanse . He tried to think of it as a sea of earth but it just made him queasy . He can 't help it , he closes his eyes . " We 're almost there , " the cabby rouses him . " If I 'd of known I wouldn 't have let you sleep at all . You wouldn 't believe how many people fall asleep in my cab from the airport . " The cabby keeps up a steady stream of chitchat for the next few minutes . Lawrence doesn 't say much , but he 's glad for the distraction . " Here we go , buddy . " He pulls up in front of an independent diner . Lawrence can tell the sign was made with care when it was painted , years in the desert sun has faded it badly . " They got good food here ? " " I don 't know . This is my first time here . " He pays the fare and steps out of the air - conditioned interior . His lips are immediately dry and cracked . The heat cuts him to the core as fast as it dried his lips , the urge to speak rises in him . He needs to escape this heat , he 's drowning in dryness . He rushes inside hoping that they 'll have air - conditioning . No such luck . The interior of the restaurant is as faded as the exterior . He seats himself , impatiently tapping his foot waiting for the waitress . He can hear the sound of the wind . Not the dry , lifeless wind of the desert , but the damp , alive wind of the storm . It 's calling to him , begging him to call out . He licks his lips with a tongue he can barely feel . He can 't help himself , the desert is antithesis for him . Why had he decided to come here ? To satisfy some adolescent curiosity ? He takes one long , shuttering breath . " The special , two of them , just bring me a pitcher of water . " His throat feels so dry . He has to speak now before he loses his chance . " Hmph ! " With blurry vision he watches her flounce back to the kitchen . He grabs the edge of the table to steady himself . He 's clenching his jaw by the time she comes back with a glass for him . He swallows half of it . The cool liquid fills him , calming him . Vision clears , hands stop shaking , the urge lessening . The torrent of wind in his ears shifts to a gentle breeze . How close had he come ? The waitress turns to leave again , he grabs her arm . " Can I get you anything else ? " She says it in such a way that makes Lawrence wonder if it 's actually a question . She tired of him he can tell . She 's too used to bullying the locals . He doesn 't trying to be nice to her , he just takes out a fifty and lays it on the table . " This is your tip if you keep bringing me pitchers of water . " Her eyes gleam slightly as she stares at the bill on the table . Slowly she puts the pitcher on the table . " Thank you . " He drains the rest of his glass and pours another . He finishes this one in three huge gulps . He doesn 't feel as trapped now , his breathing has evened out . He fills the glass a third time , finishing off the pitcher , but only sips this one . A couple minutes pass , the waitress brings his two specials and another pitcher . Lawrence only picks at his food . Between the desert and the age of the equipment in the diner the food is completely dry . Mainly he just cuts up the food and moves it around on his plate . Mainly he watches the people in the restaurant . He immediately discounts his waitress . Seeing her move around the diner , speaking with her , she 's spent most of her life trying to get away from this place . It 's a pity that she 'd never really feel like she belongs anywhere . An old man sits in another booth . He is weathered , his countenance telling the story of a life in the desert . Despite the heat of the day he 's drinking coffee . Lawrence would have considered him a likely candidate if his research didn 't tell him he is looking for someone younger . Besides the old man doesn 't look like he belongs here , only that he 's gotten used to living here . It 's an old style diner setup , so Lawrence can see the cook behind the half wall separating the kitchen from the dining area . Cook would be a wonderful job for who he 's looking for . The heat rising from the stove providing a fix for the cravings while at work . Though nothing compared to the natural heat of the desert it would do while at work . Unfortunately the cook is wearing a sleeveless shirt that 's plastered to his body with sweat . Lawrence 's heart falls . He 's not close enough to the cook to pick up a flow from him , but the fact that he 's sweating tells him all he needs to know . It 's possible his sources were wrong . It 's not easy to track a Bearer . The burden / gift they bear making it too hard to get a fix on them . He 's about to get up , throwing the contents of his glass down his throat , when the kitchen door swings open and a young man steps through . Lawrence puts his cup down and watches him . Something in the way he moves is different . Somehow his movements come off as light , almost bouncy . Even just clearing dishes from tables , his movements are quick , precise . He wears a t - shirt , jeans , and boots , all are cheap , but he still has an air of status . Lawrence notes that he 's not sweating . He looks up , checking for more stray dishes . Lawrence motions him over . " You finished with this , mister ? " Lawrence inhales and catches the scent of aged stone . " Sorry , mister , I 'm just here for the dishes . You 'll want to try Craiper St . around ten tonight . " He grabs a plate , Lawrence grabs his wrist . Sun … Heat … Dry … Sand … Lawrence pulls his hand away , palm red . Perspiration stands out on the young man 's brow now , fear in his eyes . He slides into the booth across from Lawrence . Lawrence pours another glass of water and waits for the boy to say something . " I 'm on break ! " She throws up her hands and goes back into the kitchen . Tito smiles at Lawrence . " Let 's go outside . " Lawrence downs his water and follows him out and around the diner . " I 'm Benjamin Fuller , but everyone calls me , Tito . Now who the hell are you ? " It 's a fair question . If he doesn 't know what he is then he 's probably really freaked out . Lawrence can 't blame him , he 's been there . " Ha , not likely , man . " Tito looks skeptical , very skeptical . There 's at least fifteen years between them . And while Tito isn 't a full blooded Mexican , Lawrence can tell at least one of his parents is , while Lawrence couldn 't be more white without being an albino . It 's hard to believe . " I don 't mean biologically . I mean spiritually . " Tito 's face is instantly serious . " You can feel it , can 't you ? That subtle , tickling at the back of your brain that makes you feel like you know me , even while at your core I unsettle you . " " Yes . " Tito looks so relieved that it breaks Lawrence 's heart . He knows what it 's like to finally have this explained . Lawrence had spent three years in a mental hospital trying to deal by himself . Tito is a strong young man . " Where is there open desert ? " Tito points down an alley . Lawrence starts walking , Tito doesn 't need to be told to follow , he falls into step next to Lawrence careful not to touch him . They come out the other end of the alley seeing open land . For Lawrence it 's as close to nothing as he ever wants to get . Longing fills Tito 's eyes . " I want to share something with you . Watch out there . " Lawrence takes a deep breath and centers himself . The urge to speak has been growing since they stepped out of the diner , the dryness creeping in to all his dark places . Tito 's hands fly up to cover his ears . " Ah ! What the hell ? " FLASH ! BOOM ! The thunder cuts off any further curses . Tito 's gaze is drawn out to the desert , where black storm clouds have formed out of nowhere . The fear is back in his eyes , he retreats till his back hits the wall to the building . " What have you done ? " " I spoke my Word . We 're Word Bearers , Tito . You have your own . Can you feel it ? Deep in core . " Lawrence can see he 's confused . He 's frightened , overwhelmed . FLASHBOOM ! " You can stop this , Tito . Go ahead . Say your Word . I want to hear it . " " I don 't … I 'm not sure . " Confusion and fear war on Tito 's face . Lawrence hopes he won 't run . He didn 't mean to scare the boy . " Of course you 're sure . You 've known it for centuries , you just haven 't spoken it yet . It 's okay . I 'm here with you . " His first step is hesitant , his second is firm , his third is confident . Lawrence realizes he 's holding his breath . Tito looks up at him , he nods . Tito fixes his gaze on the storm . " " There it is . It 's as quiet as Lawrence 's Word is loud , but no less powerful . It 's so beautiful . As Lawrence watches the storm clouds dissipate a tear rolls down his cheek . 2 Dad suffered even from a sight of blood , and he never killed a hen nor slaughtered a pig . But I was aware that once he had donated his blood in the name of my Mum still , because she 'd had a narrow escape on an operating table then . With me a doctor would have my blood tested in a moment : one , two and it 's done . But first they make you ready for rather a time : take a seat , then have a proper finger chosen , though it is always just the one , then they wipe it with spirits until take somewhat sharp like a mini - scalpel . Not everyone can stand the procedure , but I was not against it when a doctor suggested me having my blood tested . She was a likable one , youngish for her age , not married or divorced , probably . And she had no child , I felt it immediately , she had such a look , barren if you want . Possibly for health reasons she could not bear a child or she didn 't find a right man . Or she could have a particular blood group not to have a child with anyone , that 's why she employed at a doctor 's consulting room to make blood tests . And she urged me to have my blood tested . At first I didn 't mind it , the right thing it is , still she didn 't ask my permission . " Just let 's have your blood tested " , she said and left me . She had many things to do I suppose . In doctor 's smocks they walked hither and thither all the time at a clinic there talking over the heads of those waiting , as if one was dead already . And I was still alive and a nurse was preparing to have my blood tested . While she got me ready she was chattering . She said that men were afraid of blood testing nowadays . More and more they refused to do it and ran away sometimes seeing a drop of blood . And one had nothing to fear , there was a couch behind the curtain in a special emergency to lie low , in case one fainted . She pulled the white curtain aside and showed me a couch with dark green leatherette and I shivered all at once : what for they needed my blood ? She suggested me taking off a jacket and rolling up my sleeve , left or right one , I don 't rMy Bio : Mr . Valery Petrovskiy is a journalist and short story writer from Russia . Не is an English Department graduate at Chuvash State University , Cheboksary , graduated in journalism at VKSch Higher School , Moscow and in psychology at Kazan State Technology University . He has been writing prose since 2005 . Some of his writing has been published in The Scrambler , Rusty Typer , BRICKrethoric , NAP Magazine , Literary Burlesque , The Other Room , Curbside Quotidian , DANSE MACABRE , WidowMoon Press , PRIME MINCER , Apocrypha and Abstractions , The Legendary in the USA , and in Australian " Skive " and " Going Down Swinging " magazines . At the moment he is writer - in - residence at Marco Polo Art Mag . It 's dark in here . That 's because I live at the bottom of the jewellery box along with the other outcasts : the tangled necklace with the broken lobster claw and teddy pendant she got for her eleventh birthday , along with the bracelet that 's missing a couple of gem stones . She always says she will have them repaired but never does , preferring to spend the money on more fashionable pieces instead that imitate Asian and Oriental designs . An untrained eye might imagine that they were found by a back - packer on their travels , but they weren 't . They can be bought from any shop on the high - street , and are merely echoes of worlds she 's never seen . Not all of us down here are broken though . I 'm not , and neither is the engagement ring she got from Mark , ( who eventually cheated on her with Shannon from Reception , ) or the belly bar she took out when she put weight on and decided looked too young for her anyway . The ones at the top who get worn more often pity us , ( ' how boring it must be , ' they say to each other in whispers they think we can 't hear , ' being cooped up down there , month in , month out , ' ) but in a way they 're jealous . As I 've said , you could buy them in their hundreds if you wanted to , and they are without sentimental value like the childhood necklace or the belly bar that reminds her of her wild teens and early twenties . They 're easily replaced and she gives them away when they become outdated - or chucks them if even her younger sister and the charity shops say no , thanks . She doesn 't like Mark 's ring or me , so it isn 't often that her fingers dig through the chunky bangles and strings of beads to bring me to the surface . It happens maybe three or four times a year when she has arranged to visit The Matriarch . The ring doesn 't even get a look in . Why Mark wouldn 't let her give it back to him so that he could give it to someone he did love is beyond us ; at least that way it would have been enjoyed . All the same , seeing as I 'm an heirloom and the ring is eighteen carat white goPerhaps you imagine I get bitter when the voices of the favoured ones float above my head , chattering away about their ventures out of the box : days at work , dinners , dates , parties and who was there , who wasn 't there , what she wore … you get the drift . Or worse , maybe you feel sorry for me . I 'd rather you didn 't . Pity the rest but not me . I 'm not so keen on their weight pressing down on me but I don 't mind the dark . In fact I quite like it . It reminds me of home , my real one , from before I met people . As for being bitter , you can rule that out . I 'm a pearl , darling ; it 's not in my nature . You lot have seen me as a symbol of love for thousands of years and I do try to live up to my name by being kind - although I cannot help but wince sometimes at the irony , given that the first person I ever met died . Don 't look at me like that ; it wasn 't my fault . But that 's why she doesn 't like me . All the same , when you 've being kept in a family for over a century you do take an interest in your present owner , even if it 's not reciprocated , so I enjoy listening to the young ones ' gossip . Let them have their fun while they still can . The best they can hope for is a place in a child 's dressing - up box in just a few , short years so they might as well enjoy it . 2 . Memories . I might be old - fashioned and be from a past that she and you would rather forget , but I 'm not like your kind . I will endure and outlive the others , her - even you . And I never forget . My memory doesn 't grow weak with age , it gets stronger . I can still smell what my home was like ; still feel the movements of the person who found me when he panicked and rushed too quickly to the top , and the urgent , grasping hand of the first , but different person to ever touch me , as though I 'd only stopped smelling and feeling them a minute ago . The memories of my owners and the events in their lives play like the films you are so fond of ; the moment when her grandfather proposed to her grandmother , and the christening of her mother , they are a3 . Before she grew up . I suppose you think it strange that her grandmother , ( or The Matriarch as she jokingly calls her , ) skipped a generation and gave me to someone who doesn 't like me , but it never used to be this way . When she was little and used to visit her grandmother she would ask , ( very politely after giving her a peck on the cheek , ) if she could play with her jewellery box . The answer was always yes , and she would very carefully hunt through the diamonds and gold to find me , pin me to her jumper and wear me for the rest of the time she was there . It became something of a ritual , to the point where her grandmother began to pick me out herself and would put me on the coffee table ready for when she arrived . When she was eighteen , The Matriarch had a heart attack , and fearing that she would never leave hospital , insisted on the girl 's mother driving for two hours to get me , so that she could give me to her personally before it was too late . They were very close , and still are in spite of the distance , for she survived against all the odds . Whenever she goes to see her she always comments on how lovely it is , seeing her granddaughter all grown up , wearing her old brooch that 's always been her favourite . And I was for a time . Traditionally I was only worn for a special or significant occasion , but when she was at college I had the strange but enjoyable experience of being put in her pocket and going with her , and if she felt nervous about something her fingers would slide down to stroke me . Normally I hated people manhandling me , but I didn 't mind in her case - it was better than her biting her nails . It was almost as if she thought that having me with her would stop something bad happening - and I have been viewed as ' lucky . ' Stop sniggering , it 's true . In the days of knights and sword - fighting , we would be worn when the rich and noble went into battle because they thought we would protect them from harm , so don 't laugh at her . It felt good , being wanted , and I have to confess I came in danger You don 't like being reminded of your past - those days of glory when Britain ruled half the world . I think that 's why you apologise so much , and give more than you can afford to charities trying to save the poor and starving around the globe . It 's almost as though you 're trying to make up for all the wrongs done before you were born . And I 've tried to avoid talking about it in case you ran away - I get lonely sometimes and it 's nice having someone to talk to . But you can 't run forever , things have to be faced eventually . Some of you may already know and may already be trying to shut out the sound of my words by turning your thoughts to the plans you 've made for the weekend , but there 'll be a lot of you who don 't . There are lots of happy anecdotes from my owners ' lives I could have told you but this is the one you need to hear : My story . We are not like your kind , but there is one thing we have in common : just as you can 't remember coming out of the womb , we don 't know what it was like being a grain of sand or piece of shell squeezing our way inside an oyster and hardening ; all I remember is being . There were no thoughts , for when you live inside a shell there isn 't a great deal to think about - nothing happens . That probably sounds dull to you but there was no sadness , no pain or death . It was peaceful , just being . I didn 't know this at the time but even nothing has to come to an end eventually : the day would always have come when I would be found . It will be hard for you to understand what it was like being taken out of water , hearing sounds , seeing colours and light - all for the first time . On paper it sounds great , this explosion of life , but the reality was frightening - and even fear was something I had never heard of or felt before . Maybe that 's why your newborns usually cry when they come out , because they 're scared and want to go back . I 'm trying to think of ways to describe how it was to you , and the only way I can think of is for you to imagine an ancient Egyptian being placed in the middle of a supermarket . That might give you a better idea , but even that doesn 't come close . I 've learnt a lot since then - ( I 've had to , I didn 't have any other choice - ) but there 's one thing I 've never been able to get my head around , and that is time . Your lives are ruled by clocks and diaries telling you when deadlines or birthdays are due , but when you have so much time whole years , even decades can pass you by . Forgive me then , if I am a little hazy on dates . What I can tell you is that I was brought to the surface in the late 1800s , which makes me special . There aren 't many of us that come from nature now . Most are made by man in bulk on farms . Things changed . You suddenly became concerned about human life and diving equipment got better . Both meant that the world 's poor no were no longer forced to hold their breaths for comments » I knew that someone important was going to walk into my life at 12 : 15 , just after I normally drink tea and prepare for an slow day working on the horoscope . Now , maybe you might not believe me . After all , I am a professional charlatan . But I knew something was up , because for the last two weeks every prediction I have made actually worked out . It started when I saw Mrs Henderson . She was a fat woman , an unpleasant woman , a great client . Like most people who wanted a reading , she didn 't want the truth . And normally I didn 't give it to her . I pulled out the equipment . It was a plain set . It looked like bone china , but was made in china for a very low price . Mrs Henderson looked impressed anyway . She had a lot of money , and not a lot of sense . Anyway , I started reading the information contained in the tea leafs . And then the world went blank . When I returned to the world , Mrs Henderson was gone . I walked out of the shop I had rented , and another of the shopkeepers came up to me . He was normally an quiet , amicable chap . This time he looked like he wanted to throttle me . " She came out of here . Howling and crying , like you 'd tried to kill her . " he put his face up to mine , " You ever do it again and I 'll . . " " I don 't know what you 're talking about , " and I backed away from him . He stalked off . I walked back to my shop , ready to wait for my next appointment . Mrs Abbot didn 't come . She left a nervous message on my answer phone . At the time I didn 't realise why . Because I had no other clients for the day , I went home . My mouth opened wide . It was such a shock , it seemed like I 'd just been told I was about to die . And then . Then I was in my bed , looking at the ceiling . The police officers had gone . But it felt more real than a dream . It must have been a dream . Yeah , that was what it was , I convinced myself . Although I should have known better . In Ireland you can make a full time living as a psychic . less so in England . The English wouldn 't even pay you if you could predict the lottery . So I also work as a pitchman . Which , if you think about it , is just another way to make a dishonest buck . I walked to the nearest boot sale , and set up . It isn 't too crowded in the morning . And everyone is busy . So I crawl in through the hedge . They don 't know that I 'm there against the rules . I set up . My table is old fashioned . A suitcase with legs you fold out . Like the true pitchmen of the 50 's . My pitch is the worm . They wiggle around my hand , like they are alive . The fools in the crowd gave me money . That is what they are for . She had the longest blondest hair this side of fairyland , and her smile lights up the room like a flashlight . And I knew I am meant to talk to her . Just now . She walked off . I had the sense she is in trouble . She was poorer than she used to be , her clothes were expensive , but last years fashion . I had a feeling I will meet her again . When I got there , there was Mrs Henderson and her husband . Their eyes were red . They had been crying . I couldn 't understand what they were there for . I managed to get them to leave . At first I thought that the gossip would help me . But the truth is , no one wants to go to a psychic that tells them the truth . Life is hard enough . You go to a psychic to hear lies . I made some money as a pitchman , so it didn 't affect me too much . But I kept on having bad dreams . I kept on seeing people I knew in them . Not just that , I saw how they died . Their pain . And I started to write down what I saw . In a book by my bedside cabinet . The extra time I had meant I was drinking more too . It was like I 'd been cursed . But the worst was the Christians . They decided that these dreams were inspired by Satan . They set up the picket line in front of my office . I started to think I should simply leave . On Wednesday , the cleaner came in . She was a nosy parker . And no mistake . Her husband had died a few years back , and she was interested in everything . While it 's not the way she put it , she was very interested in the diary . All the details of the different murders and deaths I 'd seen . All the factual details that no one else other than the murderer could know . She took it to the police , and they read it , and they got their warrant . I arrived back at the normal time , and nothing was different . The book was there . I didn 't notice the surveillance cameras . Not at all . They broke in that night . It wasn 't a dream . And I looked up to them bleary eyed , a gun pointing in my face , and swore . They dragged me towards the back of the car , and I noticed someone had decided to give the press warning . So it was very public . Once in , they took me right there . And kitted me out in fetching jail clothing , since I was still in pyjamas . This was the first time I was in jail , and I can tell you it is not as bad as some people say . There is an odd vinegar smell , hiding other bodily fluids . And it is never quiet . There is always shouting going on , and doors slammed . But it was no worse than some hotels I 've been in while performing . I looked across at my lawyer . Short , thin , balding and bored . The police officer had my diary in front of him . He picked it up . " In it , you 've got the details of dozens of murders . Information the police hasn 't released to the public . Information . . . dare I say it , in some cases that the police didn 't even know themselves . " And that was it . That was the full content of the interview . I was hustled off into the cell , and ended up waiting for days . In telephone conversations with friends , I knew the police were digging up my life . I was given a notebook , and a pen , and I continued to write down my dreams . I thought I might as well . The police would search my cell every now and again , and confiscate them . They even moved me to solitary . Made sure no one could be feeding me this information . Or , presumably , that I wasn 't ordering the killings . But the dreams continued . They were getting worse and worse . Every morning I woke up feeling like I had not slept . I guess at least things looked up , because they took me from prison . They drove me along country lanes , towards a building . I can 't tell you precisely where it was . It just looked like an old school to be honest . You 'd never have guessed it was an intelligence headquarters . They bundled me out into an empty building . You 've heard of the secret prisons . Well , they are true . They dressed me up in a uniform , tagged my ankle , and locked me in a cage . The only thing they gave me was some paper and a pen to write down my dreams . Sometimes people came to research me . They put me in scanners , and gave me all kinds of medical tests . The results were unsurprising . I was just a normal , healthy individual . And that was how it seemed I was destined to live for the rest of my life . Until I started to hear the voices . They were low . Just like someone was talking in the next room . Distant . And I couldn 't make them out . That night I was tossing and turning , and I heard someone shout out my name . I woke up . No one was there . Then I tried to get asleep again , and managed it . But the voice was insistent . Nothing answered me . The guards walked past my cell . But with the dreams and the voices , I was getting no sleep . It started to affect me so badly I would not even eat food . Within a few days I was exhausted . Mentally and physically drained . And I guess that is what the creatures wanted . Because soon they broke through . It 's hard to tell you how it felt . But if you have ever had a moment of shock , when you suddenly feel like you aren 't there , you 'll know . He said his name . And then the voice faded away . But I knew I had to do precisely what he told me . I 'd go mad otherwise . Maybe I was already mad . The opportunity came sooner than I expected . My handlers were getting anxious . I was producing less predictions than normal , and the federal conviction rate was plummeting through the floor . The handlers looked like model citizens . Dark suits , a man and a woman dressed formally , like they were lawyers . They flashed their badge to me . I don 't know why , the fact I was in a prison gave them away . The police officer fell back . You could see him working it through in his mind . Despite the success of my predictions , he settled on the conclusion I was mad . After all , psychic phenomena were impossible . He 'd read that once . I shook my head . But that night , I was thinking about it , and decided that I had to ask . Had to have a conversation , if only for my sanity . When the voices started up , I leaned forward in my bed . I asked the question again . But he would say nothing of use to me . he would only repeatedly ask me to find his killers . Not very useful . Eventually , I managed to coax his name from him . Nigel . Not a very good name for a joke . That was the strange thing . No murder victims of that name came up . Not any time soon . But a week later , a Nigel disappeared . And I realised the truth . I looked through the court reports . He had been killed by stabbing . They wouldn 't let me out of the jail . So all I could do was read the files they brought on him . And I got the feeling that many of the details had been redacted . it was like looking for a haystack in an elephant : messy and not very satisfactory . There were only two people I decided who could have done it . They both had a great deal to gain . At the end of the day , though , there is a limit to what you can do from inside a jail cell . The guards looked sceptically at me when I asked for it . But I was responsible for half the murder arrests in the district for the last six months . So they eventually gave me what I wanted . Especially when I refused to furnish them with any more information . I don 't know if you have ever been to a proper séance . Well , to be honest , most of the time the knocks are from the medium . But this time it was different . Within moments of the séance starting , I was aware that the room was colder . Then the entire board lifted off the table , and flew towards me . It hit the wall a few inches from my face . The room warmed up again . The presence was gone . For a little while . " I didn 't " I replied . I knew that he didn 't believe me . But he would have to show more senior people . And I knew they couldn 't afford to risk me . I went back to bed . For the first time in weeks , I had no bad dreams . I guess Nigel knew I understood his message . I slept very soundly . Until the next morning . But my guards didn 't really understand . Or they did not want to understand . My handler met me in the interview room the next morning . He looked tired . Besides him sat a man I hadn 't seen before . He wore the cleanest , most expensive suit I had seen during my stay at the states pleasure . The man stood up . He walked out of the room . Measured , and without menace . But he didn 't seem to be a man used to dealing with no . My handler shook his head . He didn 't need to tell me the consequences . All of a sudden , I was put on suicide watch . Woken up every thirty minutes to see if I wasn 't dead yet . The heating in my cell surprisingly broke . I knew I was in their hands totally . But I never realised what it was like to displease them . You see , Nigel might be a ghost , but that doesn 't mean he is stupid . He can see what is happening . He knows they are stopping me doing what he wants . And this gets him angry . They first times he acted , it looked like coincidence . The guards chair would tilt under him , depositing him on the floor . Or cups of coffee were not placed firmly enough on the table . The guards were spooked by me . They knew that I was able to see things they could not . But although the guards face became pale , his hand on the trigger was steady and firm . It was too late . The chair slammed into the guard . He dropped to the floor . Then I saw the guards keys float from his pocket . My cell door was unlocked . I walked over to the guard , stripped his clothes off , and changed into his uniform . I thought I didn 't have much of a choice . If I didn 't do what Nigel wanted he would kill me . Every door I came to slid open without me doing anything . It would have been creepy if I didn 't know what was happening . Soon the alarms started to ring out . People would be grabbing their guns , getting ready to shoot me . I could feel my heart trying to escape from my chest . I soon arrived at fire exit . It opened in front of me . I climbed down some steps . Below me , I could see coppers swarming . I continued to walk down . One of the coppers recognised me . I ran in the opposite direction . He took aim , and I could hear the gun explode behind me . But the bullet didn 't pierce my skin like I expected . Instead , it ended in the ground . I reached a police car , and the engine came on without anyone doing anything . Then I went into a store and bought black trousers and a white shirt . Got changed . And walked out of the shopping centre , expecting to be caught at any time . In my pocket there was five hundred dollars . That was all I had in the world , except for an insane ghost . I decided it was time to go to the library . After chatting to the librarian for a few seconds , she walked me over to a computer which had copies of the local papers for the last twenty years . I typed a search . At first I found nothing , but as I expanded the search back I found him . According to the interview , he was found murdered in his bed . He had been asleep . His wife had been charged and convicted of his murder . But she said she was innocent . Nothing came in response . I knew that would happen . It was too much to hope for . It was getting late at night . The librarian was fussing near me . It was time to go . When you are a fugitive , it isn 't as simple to find a place to stay as booking a room in a hotel . I walked round , looking for an empty house . It took me an hour . Occasionally a police car would go past . It made me nervous . At one time it would have been a posh bungalow . But whoever had owned it had been taken to a care home , and it was covered in weeds and neglect . I walked up to the door , and it swings open . That is one of the advantages of your own private poltergeist . Inside it was a mess . But dry and water proof . There was a wood burning stove in one room . The power was off , and Nigel didn 't turn it on . But the water was only off at the mains . It was easy enough to get it working again . In the morning I would have to start the process of searching for Nigel Slater . I knew roughly where he lived . I fell asleep , and woke up hungry and cramped . Outside , I could hear rustling . I peeked through the window , and could see a man dressed only in black . He looked like he was not very friendly . I ducked down , but he must have seen me . He edged towards the door . It was locked , but he slammed it open . I hid behind the sofa . it didn 't help . He walked towards me . I noticed he had a poker in his hand . There was no way he wouldn 't find me . I stood up . I looked over at him . He had a long scar down his face . it seemed like he was used to trouble . And he was straining to start a fight . I did what he said . He followed me . I thought he might hit me at any second . or recognise me . They must have put my picture out into the news by now . I sighed with relief , but knew that my location might be passed onto the police . I decided it was time to get out of the town . I caught a bus , and tried to hide my face . Since I hadn 't had a bath for a few days it was easier than you might think . People did not want to look me in the eyes . I arrived at Nigel 's house six hours latter . It was a solemn house . A plane front garden laid to grass , brick frontage , and white windows . It didn 't look like anyone had ever cared for it . It looked like it was a place to sleep and not to stay . It took me a few minutes to settle down , and watch the street . There was nothing extraordinary about it . A few people walked past , taking little interest in the stranger . After watching for half an hour , I knew there was little information here for me . Talking round the local shops I found out that Nigel had been a quiet man . Few people knew him , past his saying hello . he didn 't seem to have been involved in anything wrong . or indeed in anything at all . I decided that there could only really have been one source of trouble . He must have found out something at work . Something that made him worth more to someone dead than alive . I got some annual reports from his company and studied them . Amazing what is available on the internet these days . There was little of interest . I applied to work at Nigel 's company as a cleaner . it was a big risk . I supplied false references , and knew they would not check them for months . That 's the thing about cleaners . No one takes any notice . So I got the job , and examined the work place thoroughly . It looked like an office . The computers were always on . Once or twice I looked over the shoulder of someone working but it was all gobbledygook to me . To make it worse , I saw my face on the newspaper when I went for food . Sure , I looked a lot different now . I had grown longer hair , a beard , and was thinner . But it was still me . I grew suspicious of other people . Then came my big break . Several people were working in the office late . I overhead them speaking about a billion dollar deal . The company was getting bought out . I checked the internet , and there was something in the trade section . The routine was the same every day . But one of my colleagues had not turned up to work . So I was asked to clean the main office . I did so . But I did more than that , I broke into the file cabinets , and started reading company secrets . But that didn 't save me for long . The next day I arrived at work a few minutes earlier . Something told me that things were wrong . The security guard on the gate was new . He told me to go out to the bosses office . I walked into a small lab , and looked around . There was a window , and I tried to open it . In the distance I could see five police cars . The window wouldn 't open . There was only one way out . And I knew that by now , there would be police officers between me and the door . I looked round to find a chair . Then used it to break the window . The alarm went , and I slid through the empty hole . But I caught my shoulder on a shard of glass . I was bleeding . The police gave up their pretence . Dozens of sirens started up , heading towards the building . I ran through a green space . I knew that there was only one way out of the compound except the front gate . A hole in the fence I had noticed a few days earlier . But over head their was a helicopter . Although I ran like the wind , it wasn 't enough . I could hear the police men getting closer and closer . I turned around and saw two police officers . They both had guns pointed at me . I raised my hands , and they soon had me on the ground . I arrived at my destination a few hours latter . This time they were taking no chances . I arrived at a super maximum prison . Surrounded by barbed wire , dogs , and armed police officers it was obvious I 'd never get out . The next day the interrogation began . Again and Again . Asking me where I had gone . What I had done . I eventually broke down and told them everything . But that didn 't stop them continuing . Maybe what they were doing was no crime . But it was a form of torture . Eventually , the interrogations stopped . They gave me paper . They wanted to go back to how it used to be . But by that time I had got so angry , even when I did have a dream I kept it to myself . I wasn 't there . So all I can do is repeat the report that was made to me . No guarantee it is what happened . Apparently the director of the FBI had been having an extramarital affair . He was in bed that normal , and engaging in exercise at the same time . This was not expected , but what was even more unexpected was the windows opening wide . And the explosions of a gun . The director of the FBI 's gun . But I do know that it made the national news . The assistant director of the FBI resigned . And , to be frank , most of the people in the FBI did not care much about that . But it was fair warning . He didn 't seem to be exactly happy about what had happened . In fact , he stormed in to the visiting room , and let loose a barrage of swear words . I sat there passively , listening to him . When he calmed down sufficiently , he sat down . " Nigel was right . All he wants is his murderer found . But he isn 't going to stop . Not until that is done . Not even if he has to kill someone else to do it . " " No . I am not . Nigel is a threat to you . If you stand in the way , that is . He is a ghost . What can you do to get rid of him ? " The director of the FBI thought for a few seconds . An hour latter , a priest turned up with bell , book and candle . it didn 't work spectacularly . The power went off , the candle blew out , the bell rang , and the book was thrown across the room . The director gestured to the mirror and two toughs walked in . They carried some rope . They tied me to the chair , and lifted a cosh over their heads . Then all hell broke lose . The cosh swung back by itself . it raised into the air , and came down , laying out one of the thugs . The other caught me a glancing blow , but something unseen lifted him from the floor and threw him against the wall . " You have a choice . Director . Help find Nigel 's killer . Or , I think , Nigel will chase you down and gut you like a fish . " Eventually the Director settled down again . He sat in his chair , silently looking at me . I wasn 't a pretty picture . Thin , and in prison coveralls . I must have looked like a real criminal . They let me go that afternoon . Put me in a suit , and told me I was seconded to the FBI . I was even given my own agent . He was tall , thin , and looked every inch the government man . The agent shook his head . He gave nothing away . That was when I knew he wasn 't sent to help me . Just to keep an eye out on me . Nevertheless , I decided that I could use him . Like he wanted to use me . I looked over to him , and told him to get a warrant . We were going to search Nigel 's company . And read every damn bit of paper they had about Sigma . When we arrived at the door , they had their lawyer sorted out already . Someone must have leaked it . He looked like he had cost a lot of money . " I 'm afraid we have the right not to incriminate ourselves . We are asserting that right . Both as a company , and as individuals . So , no , you can ask any questions but we will not answer them . " I was surprised when I found the clue . It was something no one else would have noticed . A single envelope in the bin . It contained an address . I think Nigel must have been helping me . I was drawn to it . But the thing I noticed was the fact the address had a Sigma stamp . Once we were out of the building , I decided to break away from the FBI agent . I knew some things would work better on my own . it was easier said than done . When I tried to go for a walk that night , he insisted on staying right by me . Getting to the address was difficult . I didn 't have a car , I had to take the bus . Most of the journey there wasn 't even that . And it had began to rain . I must have looked odd , walking around town that late at night , soaked . In fact , I surprised no copper stopped me . " Good enough , " I said . Knowing I was lying as I said it . It wasn 't like it was my strong point . The expression on the coppers face showed he thought not either . He stood there behind me his mouth opened , as I shimmied the lock . it opened . I walked in . This was a mistake , I didn 't notice the small CCTV camera , the camera that was hidden in a plug socket . But it was sending my picture right up to the security office . I worked quickly , going up the stairs to the office . I don 't know what I had expected to see . But what I did see looked just like any other office . Even down to the half drunk cup of coffee . I woke up in the boot of a car . I could feel the engine running , and smell burning petrol . It was pick black . The car started off , bumping along the ground . Hitting me from side to side . My hands were tied behind my back . It was lucky I knew a little magic . I got the knot loose without much effort . Then I grovelled around the car to find something , anything that could help me . There was a wrench , which I picked up . I put the rope around my wrists , hiding the fact I was loose . And put the wrench in my pocket . The boot of the car swung open . One of the security guards lifted me out of the boot . He was covered in muscle . My mouth opened wide . That was the last thing I expected to hear . They marched me along the ground and I saw him for the first time . Nigel . Alive . Then the room went strange . Something turned the lights off , and opened the windows . It even raised a chair off the ground . The security guard looked worried for the first time . " For the last month , I have been searching for the person who killed Nigel Slater . You , sir , are Nigel Slater . But it seems your ghost hasn 't got the information you are alive . " But it didn 't work . By the time that the ambulance arrived , Nigel was in a deep coma . It took only a short time after that until the first homicide detective got there . But the truth is , it was fate . No ones fault . Except the murderer . After all , how can Nigel Slater 's ghost come into my dreams unless he is actually killed ? What happened next surprised me . The cops arrested me . Told me I was being held on suspicion of murder . I told them not to be idiots , but they wrote it in their notebooks and not their minds . By that point the clues would be getting stale , so I drove right to the company . But they wouldn 't let me in . it was a police investigation , they said . No dice . I called the FBI agent and asked him to run the full scan on Slater . By the time he had finished I would know every single family member . And all I had to do was interview them . The only clue left to me was Sigma . The company was closed for a few hours , but the managing director wasn 't . Again the FBI came to my rescue . They had the address , and I wasn 't afraid to use it . We walked up the garden path . It wasn 't the most luxurious house that a managing director had ever lived at . But I knocked on the door anyway . I walked in . Behold , the group was all there . The director of the FBI himself . The attorney general . And a four star general . I could feel the back of my assistant straightening up . The Managing Director pressed a button on the TV . It switched on . Nigel Slater 's office . I saw him pick up his glass . Put the chemicals in it . The MD fast forwarded . Nigel killed himself . " Oil . We got him to produce computer models . All the oil reserves . He was so great . . . well , he could produce a program that told us exactly where oil was , just from satellite images . " Just at that moment a dozen armed guards came into the room . Their guns were pointed right at me . I raised my hands , and was soon plunged into the carpet . They searched me . Didn 't find anything interesting . " Yeah . But I don 't think you did it . I don 't think you were that smart . But I don 't know what this being who calls himself Nigel Slater is , " I didn 't struggle . By now , them putting handcuffs on me was almost routine . I just wish I had been able to continue my life as a charlatan . I didn 't know what to say to that . it was true . it was obvious when you think about it . Nigel had told me he was murdered when he was still alive . but no one ever said the soul was bound to the arrow of time . Within a few minutes we had picked up an escort . From what I could tell , they had closed the road down . Only we were travelling that evening . I gulped . It looked like things were just about to head for the worse . The trip to the Whitehouse was the most fraught I had experienced in my life . The director of the FBI was reading faxes and emails in the car . His face was getting more and more pale . " I guess like the English did in WWII . With disinformation . We need to get an Chinese agent and feed him bad info . And I guess Nigel might be your best hope for that . " I guess the FBI director caught on quickly . Because he could go anywhere , Nigel could listen to the Chinese chatter . He could find Chinese agents . Maybe he didn 't know Chinese , but he knew enough to listen in to the English language conversations . It wasn 't a new concept . The CIA had investigated it in the sixties . But they didn 't have a real life ghost , so their experiments failed . This time we had a real ghost . I asked them to pick out the Ouija board again . The séance room was a sight you had never seen in your life . The president and the director of the FBI holding hands , in a dark room . The president of the united states shook his head . You could tell he couldn 't believe what he was seeing . He got up from his seat , and you could almost hear his bones cracking . Over in the corner of the room I could see a computer with satellite images . I could watch the Chinese fleet mobilising in real time . The number of dots that represented aircraft carriers alone was scary . " It will only be a few days before we have to mobilise our own navy . " The wait was excruciating . But suddenly five hours latter , the board started spelling out a name . The FBI director went to work . Within minutes they had the file out . He didn 't look like what you would expect of a Chinese agent . He had long , blonde hair , was dressed in a respectable suit , and had a respectable job . He worked in the old navy base . His job was to work on the files , reading sensitive military information . Including information about resource allocation . Once they checked his bank account the truth became obvious . The FBI director stood up , and paced down the long thin corridor . Then he arrived back in the meeting room with a young woman . She was dressed in military uniform . He explained the plan . It was simple . The Chinese agent needed to think it had all been a hoax . But for that to work , he would have to eat a pack of lies . I wasn 't there , so I can report only what I have been told . The female agent I had been introduced to worked in the old navy headquarters . She worked in the files there . It is a room full of top secret papers . Room might be the wrong word ; it was the size of an aircraft hanger . She worked there , and had spent months being bored . So naturally , she had struck up a conversation with the handsome blonde military attaché . And , the conversation was reciprocated . The director of the FBI looked at her . She didn 't look like much to put the freedom of the world onto . But she was eager . And after being told what to do , she didn 't complain . She saluted . I stood at the back of the room , watching the Director of the FBI feeling out the officer , and knew I would have to talk to Nigel alone . I didn 't trust her . She looked too good to be true with her starched uniform and willing smile . The new agent went into a staff car , to be driven to the headquarters . She looked very lonely in the back of the car . Meanwhile , we walked to the operations room . There was a banks of monitors the length of the room . We could see satellite images of the build up of the Chinese fleet , as well as real time updates of our spies . I nodded . Then looked back over to the screens . I could see our agent depositing the papers in her draw . She phoned up the Chinese agent , and set up dinner . It looked like a glorious feast . Roast duck , with all the trimmings . The doorbell went . She walked over to it , and opened it . She said something , and the Chinese agent walked into the room . After ten minutes of conversation , she walked away . To go to the toilet . He walked over to the draws , and started rummaging . After a few minutes he found the file our agent had left . He took out the smallest camera you have ever seen , and clicked the image . After that , he put the files away . After he left , the confirmation came thick and fast . The Chinese fleet disbanded . It was amazing to see , but they split up within a matter of hours . Soon the sea around Taiwan was empty except for commercial shipping . I guess that if this had been a story that would be it . I would have been given a party , a celebration , and been allowed to leave . After all , I had saved the day . Well , Nigel did leave . I haven 't heard from him since . After they had finished celebrating , a guard collected me , and drove me in a prison van to here . It is a cold concrete cell . I am allowed a TV , and to write carefully vetted letters . I 'm not sure how I will post this , my story . Maybe I will write it under the postage stamp . I guess for an old crook like me , it is fair . But I wish I had been sent to jail for something I did . And not for some trumped up terrorist charge . Currently we only offer payment for one story selected as the feature story in the monthly pdf magazine only . The successful author will be contacted to organise payment via paypal for a $ 5AUD payment . 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The ship swayed and creaked . He feels every bit of it in his body . Taking no chances the crew , damnedable pirates , have chained him with no give . Legs bound in a kneeling position , arms chained to either wall crucifying him to the ship like a perverse figurehead , he 's been their captive long enough to have forgotten the feel of kindness . It is a small blessing that their fear of him keeps his gag in place at all times . It keeps them from coming anywhere near him . The captain learned a long time ago that he gleans all he needs to live from the moisture in the air , the brine in his eyes . During storms , when he is strongest , the captain posts guards with him . They don 't look at him . A terrible hope fills him today . By the movement of the ship and the crew 's curses , he knows that they 're being pursued by another ship . This ship is a runner , fast . There 'd be little concern of capture if the ship did not gain its quickness from being light , gain its lightness from having little room for armaments or supplies . The pursuers have had them going for a week now and they 'd been out of port for at least a month . He knows from the panic in the crew that the food is all but gone . Soon they 'll be too weak to load what small guns are aboard . He 'd be surprised if they could remember how to sight the cannons it 's been so long since the captain has ordered them used . His hope stems from the pirates ' desperation . If they succumb to practicality then they 'll come for him . With frightened hearts and shaking hands , they 'll undo his chains and he 'll get to spend some time under the sky instead of under foot . So he waits for their desperation to bloom practicality . It does not take long . The first mate comes with three guards and the keys . It is always the first mate that comes to get him . The captain coming himself would make him a person that the captain fears , he wouldn 't last long once that got out among the crew . The first mate is the only one he trusts with the keys to his chains . " The captain wants to see you . " He speaks with a unique accent that comes with the ship 's pidgin of French , Spanish , and Greek . His ears hear the gibberish , but his mind provides him with the meaning . Slowly , they unchain his arms from the ship and secure them behind his back . The guards are afraid to touch him , unsure whether he 'll break or they 'll be infected with something . It strikes him as odd how religious some of these men are . Coming onto the deck , sea spray hits him in the face , covers his bare chest . He instantly feels more alive . He stands taller , muscles flex , the chains bite into his skin . They take him to the captain , standing at the aft of the ship . He stands beside the captain looking out at the wide ocean , the only thing marring their perfect view of the horizon the pursuers . The first mate and guards fold themselves into the three other men standing around them . The captain just stands there for a few minutes , ignoring him . This too is done to show the crew he will do this in his own time , to show that the man he keeps below decks does not frighten him . Around the gag , behind the locked mouth plate , he smiles . Only he and the captain know what he is , and he knows that the captain is frightened of that . " I have use of you . " From under his coat he draws out the key that only he is allowed to keep . He inserts into lock for the face plate . " If you hurt this ship my men will stab you and you will die before you can swim for freedom . Like always , yeah ? " He nods . It 's always the same threat . It vaguely occurs to him that this is only a half life . But then , the spirits would kill for half a life . The plate falls away and he spits the wooden wedge from his mouth . His tongue sticks out , tasting the salt in the air . He flexes his jaw , taking in the blue sky , the white clouds , the gentle waves . He smiles at the captain . Other than the crew 's swords there is very little compelling him . Finally , the captain 's annoyance at the delay shows on his face . He focuses on ship on the horizon . He tries not to think of the men on the ship . He knows he will have to answer for his actions one day , but he 's trying to postpone that day for as long as possible . " I 'm fine . Sorry . " The cabby 's eyes dart from the road to the rearview mirror and back . " I 'm good . I 'm okay . " The cabby 's eyes return to the road and stay there , Lawrence was prepared to keep reassuring him for the rest of the drive as long as he didn 't take his eyes off the road . " That jetlag 's a bitch , isn 't it ? " " Yeah , jetlag . " He doesn 't really feel like talking so he looks out the window . What he sees unsettles him so much that he almost closes his eyes again . Outside the cab desert stretched on for miles . When he 'd met the cabby at the airport he 'd been fine . They 'd been in the middle of a city . He preferred the buildings and people to the endless dry expanse . He tried to think of it as a sea of earth but it just made him queasy . He can 't help it , he closes his eyes . " We 're almost there , " the cabby rouses him . " If I 'd of known I wouldn 't have let you sleep at all . You wouldn 't believe how many people fall asleep in my cab from the airport . " The cabby keeps up a steady stream of chitchat for the next few minutes . Lawrence doesn 't say much , but he 's glad for the distraction . " Here we go , buddy . " He pulls up in front of an independent diner . Lawrence can tell the sign was made with care when it was painted , years in the desert sun has faded it badly . " They got good food here ? " " I don 't know . This is my first time here . " He pays the fare and steps out of the air - conditioned interior . His lips are immediately dry and cracked . The heat cuts him to the core as fast as it dried his lips , the urge to speak rises in him . He needs to escape this heat , he 's drowning in dryness . He rushes inside hoping that they 'll have air - conditioning . No such luck . The interior of the restaurant is as faded as the exterior . He seats himself , impatiently tapping his foot waiting for the waitress . He can hear the sound of the wind . Not the dry , lifeless wind of the desert , but the damp , alive wind of the storm . It 's calling to him , begging him to call out . He licks his lips with a tongue he can barely feel . He can 't help himself , the desert is antithesis for him . Why had he decided to come here ? To satisfy some adolescent curiosity ? He takes one long , shuttering breath . " The special , two of them , just bring me a pitcher of water . " His throat feels so dry . He has to speak now before he loses his chance . " Hmph ! " With blurry vision he watches her flounce back to the kitchen . He grabs the edge of the table to steady himself . He 's clenching his jaw by the time she comes back with a glass for him . He swallows half of it . The cool liquid fills him , calming him . Vision clears , hands stop shaking , the urge lessening . The torrent of wind in his ears shifts to a gentle breeze . How close had he come ? The waitress turns to leave again , he grabs her arm . " Can I get you anything else ? " She says it in such a way that makes Lawrence wonder if it 's actually a question . She tired of him he can tell . She 's too used to bullying the locals . He doesn 't trying to be nice to her , he just takes out a fifty and lays it on the table . " This is your tip if you keep bringing me pitchers of water . " Her eyes gleam slightly as she stares at the bill on the table . Slowly she puts the pitcher on the table . " Thank you . " He drains the rest of his glass and pours another . He finishes this one in three huge gulps . He doesn 't feel as trapped now , his breathing has evened out . He fills the glass a third time , finishing off the pitcher , but only sips this one . A couple minutes pass , the waitress brings his two specials and another pitcher . Lawrence only picks at his food . Between the desert and the age of the equipment in the diner the food is completely dry . Mainly he just cuts up the food and moves it around on his plate . Mainly he watches the people in the restaurant . He immediately discounts his waitress . Seeing her move around the diner , speaking with her , she 's spent most of her life trying to get away from this place . It 's a pity that she 'd never really feel like she belongs anywhere . An old man sits in another booth . He is weathered , his countenance telling the story of a life in the desert . Despite the heat of the day he 's drinking coffee . Lawrence would have considered him a likely candidate if his research didn 't tell him he is looking for someone younger . Besides the old man doesn 't look like he belongs here , only that he 's gotten used to living here . It 's an old style diner setup , so Lawrence can see the cook behind the half wall separating the kitchen from the dining area . Cook would be a wonderful job for who he 's looking for . The heat rising from the stove providing a fix for the cravings while at work . Though nothing compared to the natural heat of the desert it would do while at work . Unfortunately the cook is wearing a sleeveless shirt that 's plastered to his body with sweat . Lawrence 's heart falls . He 's not close enough to the cook to pick up a flow from him , but the fact that he 's sweating tells him all he needs to know . It 's possible his sources were wrong . It 's not easy to track a Bearer . The burden / gift they bear making it too hard to get a fix on them . He 's about to get up , throwing the contents of his glass down his throat , when the kitchen door swings open and a young man steps through . Lawrence puts his cup down and watches him . Something in the way he moves is different . Somehow his movements come off as light , almost bouncy . Even just clearing dishes from tables , his movements are quick , precise . He wears a t - shirt , jeans , and boots , all are cheap , but he still has an air of status . Lawrence notes that he 's not sweating . He looks up , checking for more stray dishes . Lawrence motions him over . " You finished with this , mister ? " Lawrence inhales and catches the scent of aged stone . " Sorry , mister , I 'm just here for the dishes . You 'll want to try Craiper St . around ten tonight . " He grabs a plate , Lawrence grabs his wrist . Sun … Heat … Dry … Sand … Lawrence pulls his hand away , palm red . Perspiration stands out on the young man 's brow now , fear in his eyes . He slides into the booth across from Lawrence . Lawrence pours another glass of water and waits for the boy to say something . " I 'm on break ! " She throws up her hands and goes back into the kitchen . Tito smiles at Lawrence . " Let 's go outside . " Lawrence downs his water and follows him out and around the diner . " I 'm Benjamin Fuller , but everyone calls me , Tito . Now who the hell are you ? " It 's a fair question . If he doesn 't know what he is then he 's probably really freaked out . Lawrence can 't blame him , he 's been there . " Ha , not likely , man . " Tito looks skeptical , very skeptical . There 's at least fifteen years between them . And while Tito isn 't a full blooded Mexican , Lawrence can tell at least one of his parents is , while Lawrence couldn 't be more white without being an albino . It 's hard to believe . " I don 't mean biologically . I mean spiritually . " Tito 's face is instantly serious . " You can feel it , can 't you ? That subtle , tickling at the back of your brain that makes you feel like you know me , even while at your core I unsettle you . " " Yes . " Tito looks so relieved that it breaks Lawrence 's heart . He knows what it 's like to finally have this explained . Lawrence had spent three years in a mental hospital trying to deal by himself . Tito is a strong young man . " Where is there open desert ? " Tito points down an alley . Lawrence starts walking , Tito doesn 't need to be told to follow , he falls into step next to Lawrence careful not to touch him . They come out the other end of the alley seeing open land . For Lawrence it 's as close to nothing as he ever wants to get . Longing fills Tito 's eyes . " I want to share something with you . Watch out there . " Lawrence takes a deep breath and centers himself . The urge to speak has been growing since they stepped out of the diner , the dryness creeping in to all his dark places . Tito 's hands fly up to cover his ears . " Ah ! What the hell ? " FLASH ! BOOM ! The thunder cuts off any further curses . Tito 's gaze is drawn out to the desert , where black storm clouds have formed out of nowhere . The fear is back in his eyes , he retreats till his back hits the wall to the building . " What have you done ? " " I spoke my Word . We 're Word Bearers , Tito . You have your own . Can you feel it ? Deep in core . " Lawrence can see he 's confused . He 's frightened , overwhelmed . FLASHBOOM ! " You can stop this , Tito . Go ahead . Say your Word . I want to hear it . " " I don 't … I 'm not sure . " Confusion and fear war on Tito 's face . Lawrence hopes he won 't run . He didn 't mean to scare the boy . " Of course you 're sure . You 've known it for centuries , you just haven 't spoken it yet . It 's okay . I 'm here with you . " His first step is hesitant , his second is firm , his third is confident . Lawrence realizes he 's holding his breath . Tito looks up at him , he nods . Tito fixes his gaze on the storm . " " There it is . It 's as quiet as Lawrence 's Word is loud , but no less powerful . It 's so beautiful . As Lawrence watches the storm clouds dissipate a tear rolls down his cheek . 2 Dad suffered even from a sight of blood , and he never killed a hen nor slaughtered a pig . But I was aware that once he had donated his blood in the name of my Mum still , because she 'd had a narrow escape on an operating table then . With me a doctor would have my blood tested in a moment : one , two and it 's done . But first they make you ready for rather a time : take a seat , then have a proper finger chosen , though it is always just the one , then they wipe it with spirits until take somewhat sharp like a mini - scalpel . Not everyone can stand the procedure , but I was not against it when a doctor suggested me having my blood tested . She was a likable one , youngish for her age , not married or divorced , probably . And she had no child , I felt it immediately , she had such a look , barren if you want . Possibly for health reasons she could not bear a child or she didn 't find a right man . Or she could have a particular blood group not to have a child with anyone , that 's why she employed at a doctor 's consulting room to make blood tests . And she urged me to have my blood tested . At first I didn 't mind it , the right thing it is , still she didn 't ask my permission . " Just let 's have your blood tested " , she said and left me . She had many things to do I suppose . In doctor 's smocks they walked hither and thither all the time at a clinic there talking over the heads of those waiting , as if one was dead already . And I was still alive and a nurse was preparing to have my blood tested . While she got me ready she was chattering . She said that men were afraid of blood testing nowadays . More and more they refused to do it and ran away sometimes seeing a drop of blood . And one had nothing to fear , there was a couch behind the curtain in a special emergency to lie low , in case one fainted . She pulled the white curtain aside and showed me a couch with dark green leatherette and I shivered all at once : what for they needed my blood ? She suggested me taking off a jacket and rolling up my sleeve , left or right one , I don 't rMy Bio : Mr . Valery Petrovskiy is a journalist and short story writer from Russia . Не is an English Department graduate at Chuvash State University , Cheboksary , graduated in journalism at VKSch Higher School , Moscow and in psychology at Kazan State Technology University . He has been writing prose since 2005 . Some of his writing has been published in The Scrambler , Rusty Typer , BRICKrethoric , NAP Magazine , Literary Burlesque , The Other Room , Curbside Quotidian , DANSE MACABRE , WidowMoon Press , PRIME MINCER , Apocrypha and Abstractions , The Legendary in the USA , and in Australian " Skive " and " Going Down Swinging " magazines . At the moment he is writer - in - residence at Marco Polo Art Mag . It 's dark in here . That 's because I live at the bottom of the jewellery box along with the other outcasts : the tangled necklace with the broken lobster claw and teddy pendant she got for her eleventh birthday , along with the bracelet that 's missing a couple of gem stones . She always says she will have them repaired but never does , preferring to spend the money on more fashionable pieces instead that imitate Asian and Oriental designs . An untrained eye might imagine that they were found by a back - packer on their travels , but they weren 't . They can be bought from any shop on the high - street , and are merely echoes of worlds she 's never seen . Not all of us down here are broken though . I 'm not , and neither is the engagement ring she got from Mark , ( who eventually cheated on her with Shannon from Reception , ) or the belly bar she took out when she put weight on and decided looked too young for her anyway . The ones at the top who get worn more often pity us , ( ' how boring it must be , ' they say to each other in whispers they think we can 't hear , ' being cooped up down there , month in , month out , ' ) but in a way they 're jealous . As I 've said , you could buy them in their hundreds if you wanted to , and they are without sentimental value like the childhood necklace or the belly bar that reminds her of her wild teens and early twenties . They 're easily replaced and she gives them away when they become outdated - or chucks them if even her younger sister and the charity shops say no , thanks . She doesn 't like Mark 's ring or me , so it isn 't often that her fingers dig through the chunky bangles and strings of beads to bring me to the surface . It happens maybe three or four times a year when she has arranged to visit The Matriarch . The ring doesn 't even get a look in . Why Mark wouldn 't let her give it back to him so that he could give it to someone he did love is beyond us ; at least that way it would have been enjoyed . All the same , seeing as I 'm an heirloom and the ring is eighteen carat white goPerhaps you imagine I get bitter when the voices of the favoured ones float above my head , chattering away about their ventures out of the box : days at work , dinners , dates , parties and who was there , who wasn 't there , what she wore … you get the drift . Or worse , maybe you feel sorry for me . I 'd rather you didn 't . Pity the rest but not me . I 'm not so keen on their weight pressing down on me but I don 't mind the dark . In fact I quite like it . It reminds me of home , my real one , from before I met people . As for being bitter , you can rule that out . I 'm a pearl , darling ; it 's not in my nature . You lot have seen me as a symbol of love for thousands of years and I do try to live up to my name by being kind - although I cannot help but wince sometimes at the irony , given that the first person I ever met died . Don 't look at me like that ; it wasn 't my fault . But that 's why she doesn 't like me . All the same , when you 've being kept in a family for over a century you do take an interest in your present owner , even if it 's not reciprocated , so I enjoy listening to the young ones ' gossip . Let them have their fun while they still can . The best they can hope for is a place in a child 's dressing - up box in just a few , short years so they might as well enjoy it . 2 . Memories . I might be old - fashioned and be from a past that she and you would rather forget , but I 'm not like your kind . I will endure and outlive the others , her - even you . And I never forget . My memory doesn 't grow weak with age , it gets stronger . I can still smell what my home was like ; still feel the movements of the person who found me when he panicked and rushed too quickly to the top , and the urgent , grasping hand of the first , but different person to ever touch me , as though I 'd only stopped smelling and feeling them a minute ago . The memories of my owners and the events in their lives play like the films you are so fond of ; the moment when her grandfather proposed to her grandmother , and the christening of her mother , they are a3 . Before she grew up . I suppose you think it strange that her grandmother , ( or The Matriarch as she jokingly calls her , ) skipped a generation and gave me to someone who doesn 't like me , but it never used to be this way . When she was little and used to visit her grandmother she would ask , ( very politely after giving her a peck on the cheek , ) if she could play with her jewellery box . The answer was always yes , and she would very carefully hunt through the diamonds and gold to find me , pin me to her jumper and wear me for the rest of the time she was there . It became something of a ritual , to the point where her grandmother began to pick me out herself and would put me on the coffee table ready for when she arrived . When she was eighteen , The Matriarch had a heart attack , and fearing that she would never leave hospital , insisted on the girl 's mother driving for two hours to get me , so that she could give me to her personally before it was too late . They were very close , and still are in spite of the distance , for she survived against all the odds . Whenever she goes to see her she always comments on how lovely it is , seeing her granddaughter all grown up , wearing her old brooch that 's always been her favourite . And I was for a time . Traditionally I was only worn for a special or significant occasion , but when she was at college I had the strange but enjoyable experience of being put in her pocket and going with her , and if she felt nervous about something her fingers would slide down to stroke me . Normally I hated people manhandling me , but I didn 't mind in her case - it was better than her biting her nails . It was almost as if she thought that having me with her would stop something bad happening - and I have been viewed as ' lucky . ' Stop sniggering , it 's true . In the days of knights and sword - fighting , we would be worn when the rich and noble went into battle because they thought we would protect them from harm , so don 't laugh at her . It felt good , being wanted , and I have to confess I came in danger You don 't like being reminded of your past - those days of glory when Britain ruled half the world . I think that 's why you apologise so much , and give more than you can afford to charities trying to save the poor and starving around the globe . It 's almost as though you 're trying to make up for all the wrongs done before you were born . And I 've tried to avoid talking about it in case you ran away - I get lonely sometimes and it 's nice having someone to talk to . But you can 't run forever , things have to be faced eventually . Some of you may already know and may already be trying to shut out the sound of my words by turning your thoughts to the plans you 've made for the weekend , but there 'll be a lot of you who don 't . There are lots of happy anecdotes from my owners ' lives I could have told you but this is the one you need to hear : My story . We are not like your kind , but there is one thing we have in common : just as you can 't remember coming out of the womb , we don 't know what it was like being a grain of sand or piece of shell squeezing our way inside an oyster and hardening ; all I remember is being . There were no thoughts , for when you live inside a shell there isn 't a great deal to think about - nothing happens . That probably sounds dull to you but there was no sadness , no pain or death . It was peaceful , just being . I didn 't know this at the time but even nothing has to come to an end eventually : the day would always have come when I would be found . It will be hard for you to understand what it was like being taken out of water , hearing sounds , seeing colours and light - all for the first time . On paper it sounds great , this explosion of life , but the reality was frightening - and even fear was something I had never heard of or felt before . Maybe that 's why your newborns usually cry when they come out , because they 're scared and want to go back . I 'm trying to think of ways to describe how it was to you , and the only way I can think of is for you to imagine an ancient Egyptian being placed in the middle of a supermarket . That might give you a better idea , but even that doesn 't come close . I 've learnt a lot since then - ( I 've had to , I didn 't have any other choice - ) but there 's one thing I 've never been able to get my head around , and that is time . Your lives are ruled by clocks and diaries telling you when deadlines or birthdays are due , but when you have so much time whole years , even decades can pass you by . Forgive me then , if I am a little hazy on dates . What I can tell you is that I was brought to the surface in the late 1800s , which makes me special . There aren 't many of us that come from nature now . Most are made by man in bulk on farms . Things changed . You suddenly became concerned about human life and diving equipment got better . Both meant that the world 's poor no were no longer forced to hold their breaths for comments » I knew that someone important was going to walk into my life at 12 : 15 , just after I normally drink tea and prepare for an slow day working on the horoscope . Now , maybe you might not believe me . After all , I am a professional charlatan . But I knew something was up , because for the last two weeks every prediction I have made actually worked out . It started when I saw Mrs Henderson . She was a fat woman , an unpleasant woman , a great client . Like most people who wanted a reading , she didn 't want the truth . And normally I didn 't give it to her . I pulled out the equipment . It was a plain set . It looked like bone china , but was made in china for a very low price . Mrs Henderson looked impressed anyway . She had a lot of money , and not a lot of sense . Anyway , I started reading the information contained in the tea leafs . And then the world went blank . When I returned to the world , Mrs Henderson was gone . I walked out of the shop I had rented , and another of the shopkeepers came up to me . He was normally an quiet , amicable chap . This time he looked like he wanted to throttle me . " She came out of here . Howling and crying , like you 'd tried to kill her . " he put his face up to mine , " You ever do it again and I 'll . . " " I don 't know what you 're talking about , " and I backed away from him . He stalked off . I walked back to my shop , ready to wait for my next appointment . Mrs Abbot didn 't come . She left a nervous message on my answer phone . At the time I didn 't realise why . Because I had no other clients for the day , I went home . My mouth opened wide . It was such a shock , it seemed like I 'd just been told I was about to die . And then . Then I was in my bed , looking at the ceiling . The police officers had gone . But it felt more real than a dream . It must have been a dream . Yeah , that was what it was , I convinced myself . Although I should have known better . In Ireland you can make a full time living as a psychic . less so in England . The English wouldn 't even pay you if you could predict the lottery . So I also work as a pitchman . Which , if you think about it , is just another way to make a dishonest buck . I walked to the nearest boot sale , and set up . It isn 't too crowded in the morning . And everyone is busy . So I crawl in through the hedge . They don 't know that I 'm there against the rules . I set up . My table is old fashioned . A suitcase with legs you fold out . Like the true pitchmen of the 50 's . My pitch is the worm . They wiggle around my hand , like they are alive . The fools in the crowd gave me money . That is what they are for . She had the longest blondest hair this side of fairyland , and her smile lights up the room like a flashlight . And I knew I am meant to talk to her . Just now . She walked off . I had the sense she is in trouble . She was poorer than she used to be , her clothes were expensive , but last years fashion . I had a feeling I will meet her again . When I got there , there was Mrs Henderson and her husband . Their eyes were red . They had been crying . I couldn 't understand what they were there for . I managed to get them to leave . At first I thought that the gossip would help me . But the truth is , no one wants to go to a psychic that tells them the truth . Life is hard enough . You go to a psychic to hear lies . I made some money as a pitchman , so it didn 't affect me too much . But I kept on having bad dreams . I kept on seeing people I knew in them . Not just that , I saw how they died . Their pain . And I started to write down what I saw . In a book by my bedside cabinet . The extra time I had meant I was drinking more too . It was like I 'd been cursed . But the worst was the Christians . They decided that these dreams were inspired by Satan . They set up the picket line in front of my office . I started to think I should simply leave . On Wednesday , the cleaner came in . She was a nosy parker . And no mistake . Her husband had died a few years back , and she was interested in everything . While it 's not the way she put it , she was very interested in the diary . All the details of the different murders and deaths I 'd seen . All the factual details that no one else other than the murderer could know . She took it to the police , and they read it , and they got their warrant . I arrived back at the normal time , and nothing was different . The book was there . I didn 't notice the surveillance cameras . Not at all . They broke in that night . It wasn 't a dream . And I looked up to them bleary eyed , a gun pointing in my face , and swore . They dragged me towards the back of the car , and I noticed someone had decided to give the press warning . So it was very public . Once in , they took me right there . And kitted me out in fetching jail clothing , since I was still in pyjamas . This was the first time I was in jail , and I can tell you it is not as bad as some people say . There is an odd vinegar smell , hiding other bodily fluids . And it is never quiet . There is always shouting going on , and doors slammed . But it was no worse than some hotels I 've been in while performing . I looked across at my lawyer . Short , thin , balding and bored . The police officer had my diary in front of him . He picked it up . " In it , you 've got the details of dozens of murders . Information the police hasn 't released to the public . Information . . . dare I say it , in some cases that the police didn 't even know themselves . " And that was it . That was the full content of the interview . I was hustled off into the cell , and ended up waiting for days . In telephone conversations with friends , I knew the police were digging up my life . I was given a notebook , and a pen , and I continued to write down my dreams . I thought I might as well . The police would search my cell every now and again , and confiscate them . They even moved me to solitary . Made sure no one could be feeding me this information . Or , presumably , that I wasn 't ordering the killings . But the dreams continued . They were getting worse and worse . Every morning I woke up feeling like I had not slept . I guess at least things looked up , because they took me from prison . They drove me along country lanes , towards a building . I can 't tell you precisely where it was . It just looked like an old school to be honest . You 'd never have guessed it was an intelligence headquarters . They bundled me out into an empty building . You 've heard of the secret prisons . Well , they are true . They dressed me up in a uniform , tagged my ankle , and locked me in a cage . The only thing they gave me was some paper and a pen to write down my dreams . Sometimes people came to research me . They put me in scanners , and gave me all kinds of medical tests . The results were unsurprising . I was just a normal , healthy individual . And that was how it seemed I was destined to live for the rest of my life . Until I started to hear the voices . They were low . Just like someone was talking in the next room . Distant . And I couldn 't make them out . That night I was tossing and turning , and I heard someone shout out my name . I woke up . No one was there . Then I tried to get asleep again , and managed it . But the voice was insistent . Nothing answered me . The guards walked past my cell . But with the dreams and the voices , I was getting no sleep . It started to affect me so badly I would not even eat food . Within a few days I was exhausted . Mentally and physically drained . And I guess that is what the creatures wanted . Because soon they broke through . It 's hard to tell you how it felt . But if you have ever had a moment of shock , when you suddenly feel like you aren 't there , you 'll know . He said his name . And then the voice faded away . But I knew I had to do precisely what he told me . I 'd go mad otherwise . Maybe I was already mad . The opportunity came sooner than I expected . My handlers were getting anxious . I was producing less predictions than normal , and the federal conviction rate was plummeting through the floor . The handlers looked like model citizens . Dark suits , a man and a woman dressed formally , like they were lawyers . They flashed their badge to me . I don 't know why , the fact I was in a prison gave them away . The police officer fell back . You could see him working it through in his mind . Despite the success of my predictions , he settled on the conclusion I was mad . After all , psychic phenomena were impossible . He 'd read that once . I shook my head . But that night , I was thinking about it , and decided that I had to ask . Had to have a conversation , if only for my sanity . When the voices started up , I leaned forward in my bed . I asked the question again . But he would say nothing of use to me . he would only repeatedly ask me to find his killers . Not very useful . Eventually , I managed to coax his name from him . Nigel . Not a very good name for a joke . That was the strange thing . No murder victims of that name came up . Not any time soon . But a week later , a Nigel disappeared . And I realised the truth . I looked through the court reports . He had been killed by stabbing . They wouldn 't let me out of the jail . So all I could do was read the files they brought on him . And I got the feeling that many of the details had been redacted . it was like looking for a haystack in an elephant : messy and not very satisfactory . There were only two people I decided who could have done it . They both had a great deal to gain . At the end of the day , though , there is a limit to what you can do from inside a jail cell . The guards looked sceptically at me when I asked for it . But I was responsible for half the murder arrests in the district for the last six months . So they eventually gave me what I wanted . Especially when I refused to furnish them with any more information . I don 't know if you have ever been to a proper séance . Well , to be honest , most of the time the knocks are from the medium . But this time it was different . Within moments of the séance starting , I was aware that the room was colder . Then the entire board lifted off the table , and flew towards me . It hit the wall a few inches from my face . The room warmed up again . The presence was gone . For a little while . " I didn 't " I replied . I knew that he didn 't believe me . But he would have to show more senior people . And I knew they couldn 't afford to risk me . I went back to bed . For the first time in weeks , I had no bad dreams . I guess Nigel knew I understood his message . I slept very soundly . Until the next morning . But my guards didn 't really understand . Or they did not want to understand . My handler met me in the interview room the next morning . He looked tired . Besides him sat a man I hadn 't seen before . He wore the cleanest , most expensive suit I had seen during my stay at the states pleasure . The man stood up . He walked out of the room . Measured , and without menace . But he didn 't seem to be a man used to dealing with no . My handler shook his head . He didn 't need to tell me the consequences . All of a sudden , I was put on suicide watch . Woken up every thirty minutes to see if I wasn 't dead yet . The heating in my cell surprisingly broke . I knew I was in their hands totally . But I never realised what it was like to displease them . You see , Nigel might be a ghost , but that doesn 't mean he is stupid . He can see what is happening . He knows they are stopping me doing what he wants . And this gets him angry . They first times he acted , it looked like coincidence . The guards chair would tilt under him , depositing him on the floor . Or cups of coffee were not placed firmly enough on the table . The guards were spooked by me . They knew that I was able to see things they could not . But although the guards face became pale , his hand on the trigger was steady and firm . It was too late . The chair slammed into the guard . He dropped to the floor . Then I saw the guards keys float from his pocket . My cell door was unlocked . I walked over to the guard , stripped his clothes off , and changed into his uniform . I thought I didn 't have much of a choice . If I didn 't do what Nigel wanted he would kill me . Every door I came to slid open without me doing anything . It would have been creepy if I didn 't know what was happening . Soon the alarms started to ring out . People would be grabbing their guns , getting ready to shoot me . I could feel my heart trying to escape from my chest . I soon arrived at fire exit . It opened in front of me . I climbed down some steps . Below me , I could see coppers swarming . I continued to walk down . One of the coppers recognised me . I ran in the opposite direction . He took aim , and I could hear the gun explode behind me . But the bullet didn 't pierce my skin like I expected . Instead , it ended in the ground . I reached a police car , and the engine came on without anyone doing anything . Then I went into a store and bought black trousers and a white shirt . Got changed . And walked out of the shopping centre , expecting to be caught at any time . In my pocket there was five hundred dollars . That was all I had in the world , except for an insane ghost . I decided it was time to go to the library . After chatting to the librarian for a few seconds , she walked me over to a computer which had copies of the local papers for the last twenty years . I typed a search . At first I found nothing , but as I expanded the search back I found him . According to the interview , he was found murdered in his bed . He had been asleep . His wife had been charged and convicted of his murder . But she said she was innocent . Nothing came in response . I knew that would happen . It was too much to hope for . It was getting late at night . The librarian was fussing near me . It was time to go . When you are a fugitive , it isn 't as simple to find a place to stay as booking a room in a hotel . I walked round , looking for an empty house . It took me an hour . Occasionally a police car would go past . It made me nervous . At one time it would have been a posh bungalow . But whoever had owned it had been taken to a care home , and it was covered in weeds and neglect . I walked up to the door , and it swings open . That is one of the advantages of your own private poltergeist . Inside it was a mess . But dry and water proof . There was a wood burning stove in one room . The power was off , and Nigel didn 't turn it on . But the water was only off at the mains . It was easy enough to get it working again . In the morning I would have to start the process of searching for Nigel Slater . I knew roughly where he lived . I fell asleep , and woke up hungry and cramped . Outside , I could hear rustling . I peeked through the window , and could see a man dressed only in black . He looked like he was not very friendly . I ducked down , but he must have seen me . He edged towards the door . It was locked , but he slammed it open . I hid behind the sofa . it didn 't help . He walked towards me . I noticed he had a poker in his hand . There was no way he wouldn 't find me . I stood up . I looked over at him . He had a long scar down his face . it seemed like he was used to trouble . And he was straining to start a fight . I did what he said . He followed me . I thought he might hit me at any second . or recognise me . They must have put my picture out into the news by now . I sighed with relief , but knew that my location might be passed onto the police . I decided it was time to get out of the town . I caught a bus , and tried to hide my face . Since I hadn 't had a bath for a few days it was easier than you might think . People did not want to look me in the eyes . I arrived at Nigel 's house six hours latter . It was a solemn house . A plane front garden laid to grass , brick frontage , and white windows . It didn 't look like anyone had ever cared for it . It looked like it was a place to sleep and not to stay . It took me a few minutes to settle down , and watch the street . There was nothing extraordinary about it . A few people walked past , taking little interest in the stranger . After watching for half an hour , I knew there was little information here for me . Talking round the local shops I found out that Nigel had been a quiet man . Few people knew him , past his saying hello . he didn 't seem to have been involved in anything wrong . or indeed in anything at all . I decided that there could only really have been one source of trouble . He must have found out something at work . Something that made him worth more to someone dead than alive . I got some annual reports from his company and studied them . Amazing what is available on the internet these days . There was little of interest . I applied to work at Nigel 's company as a cleaner . it was a big risk . I supplied false references , and knew they would not check them for months . That 's the thing about cleaners . No one takes any notice . So I got the job , and examined the work place thoroughly . It looked like an office . The computers were always on . Once or twice I looked over the shoulder of someone working but it was all gobbledygook to me . To make it worse , I saw my face on the newspaper when I went for food . Sure , I looked a lot different now . I had grown longer hair , a beard , and was thinner . But it was still me . I grew suspicious of other people . Then came my big break . Several people were working in the office late . I overhead them speaking about a billion dollar deal . The company was getting bought out . I checked the internet , and there was something in the trade section . The routine was the same every day . But one of my colleagues had not turned up to work . So I was asked to clean the main office . I did so . But I did more than that , I broke into the file cabinets , and started reading company secrets . But that didn 't save me for long . The next day I arrived at work a few minutes earlier . Something told me that things were wrong . The security guard on the gate was new . He told me to go out to the bosses office . I walked into a small lab , and looked around . There was a window , and I tried to open it . In the distance I could see five police cars . The window wouldn 't open . There was only one way out . And I knew that by now , there would be police officers between me and the door . I looked round to find a chair . Then used it to break the window . The alarm went , and I slid through the empty hole . But I caught my shoulder on a shard of glass . I was bleeding . The police gave up their pretence . Dozens of sirens started up , heading towards the building . I ran through a green space . I knew that there was only one way out of the compound except the front gate . A hole in the fence I had noticed a few days earlier . But over head their was a helicopter . Although I ran like the wind , it wasn 't enough . I could hear the police men getting closer and closer . I turned around and saw two police officers . They both had guns pointed at me . I raised my hands , and they soon had me on the ground . I arrived at my destination a few hours latter . This time they were taking no chances . I arrived at a super maximum prison . Surrounded by barbed wire , dogs , and armed police officers it was obvious I 'd never get out . The next day the interrogation began . Again and Again . Asking me where I had gone . What I had done . I eventually broke down and told them everything . But that didn 't stop them continuing . Maybe what they were doing was no crime . But it was a form of torture . Eventually , the interrogations stopped . They gave me paper . They wanted to go back to how it used to be . But by that time I had got so angry , even when I did have a dream I kept it to myself . I wasn 't there . So all I can do is repeat the report that was made to me . No guarantee it is what happened . Apparently the director of the FBI had been having an extramarital affair . He was in bed that normal , and engaging in exercise at the same time . This was not expected , but what was even more unexpected was the windows opening wide . And the explosions of a gun . The director of the FBI 's gun . But I do know that it made the national news . The assistant director of the FBI resigned . And , to be frank , most of the people in the FBI did not care much about that . But it was fair warning . He didn 't seem to be exactly happy about what had happened . In fact , he stormed in to the visiting room , and let loose a barrage of swear words . I sat there passively , listening to him . When he calmed down sufficiently , he sat down . " Nigel was right . All he wants is his murderer found . But he isn 't going to stop . Not until that is done . Not even if he has to kill someone else to do it . " " No . I am not . Nigel is a threat to you . If you stand in the way , that is . He is a ghost . What can you do to get rid of him ? " The director of the FBI thought for a few seconds . An hour latter , a priest turned up with bell , book and candle . it didn 't work spectacularly . The power went off , the candle blew out , the bell rang , and the book was thrown across the room . The director gestured to the mirror and two toughs walked in . They carried some rope . They tied me to the chair , and lifted a cosh over their heads . Then all hell broke lose . The cosh swung back by itself . it raised into the air , and came down , laying out one of the thugs . The other caught me a glancing blow , but something unseen lifted him from the floor and threw him against the wall . " You have a choice . Director . Help find Nigel 's killer . Or , I think , Nigel will chase you down and gut you like a fish . " Eventually the Director settled down again . He sat in his chair , silently looking at me . I wasn 't a pretty picture . Thin , and in prison coveralls . I must have looked like a real criminal . They let me go that afternoon . Put me in a suit , and told me I was seconded to the FBI . I was even given my own agent . He was tall , thin , and looked every inch the government man . The agent shook his head . He gave nothing away . That was when I knew he wasn 't sent to help me . Just to keep an eye out on me . Nevertheless , I decided that I could use him . Like he wanted to use me . I looked over to him , and told him to get a warrant . We were going to search Nigel 's company . And read every damn bit of paper they had about Sigma . When we arrived at the door , they had their lawyer sorted out already . Someone must have leaked it . He looked like he had cost a lot of money . " I 'm afraid we have the right not to incriminate ourselves . We are asserting that right . Both as a company , and as individuals . So , no , you can ask any questions but we will not answer them . " I was surprised when I found the clue . It was something no one else would have noticed . A single envelope in the bin . It contained an address . I think Nigel must have been helping me . I was drawn to it . But the thing I noticed was the fact the address had a Sigma stamp . Once we were out of the building , I decided to break away from the FBI agent . I knew some things would work better on my own . it was easier said than done . When I tried to go for a walk that night , he insisted on staying right by me . Getting to the address was difficult . I didn 't have a car , I had to take the bus . Most of the journey there wasn 't even that . And it had began to rain . I must have looked odd , walking around town that late at night , soaked . In fact , I surprised no copper stopped me . " Good enough , " I said . Knowing I was lying as I said it . It wasn 't like it was my strong point . The expression on the coppers face showed he thought not either . He stood there behind me his mouth opened , as I shimmied the lock . it opened . I walked in . This was a mistake , I didn 't notice the small CCTV camera , the camera that was hidden in a plug socket . But it was sending my picture right up to the security office . I worked quickly , going up the stairs to the office . I don 't know what I had expected to see . But what I did see looked just like any other office . Even down to the half drunk cup of coffee . I woke up in the boot of a car . I could feel the engine running , and smell burning petrol . It was pick black . The car started off , bumping along the ground . Hitting me from side to side . My hands were tied behind my back . It was lucky I knew a little magic . I got the knot loose without much effort . Then I grovelled around the car to find something , anything that could help me . There was a wrench , which I picked up . I put the rope around my wrists , hiding the fact I was loose . And put the wrench in my pocket . The boot of the car swung open . One of the security guards lifted me out of the boot . He was covered in muscle . My mouth opened wide . That was the last thing I expected to hear . They marched me along the ground and I saw him for the first time . Nigel . Alive . Then the room went strange . Something turned the lights off , and opened the windows . It even raised a chair off the ground . The security guard looked worried for the first time . " For the last month , I have been searching for the person who killed Nigel Slater . You , sir , are Nigel Slater . But it seems your ghost hasn 't got the information you are alive . " But it didn 't work . By the time that the ambulance arrived , Nigel was in a deep coma . It took only a short time after that until the first homicide detective got there . But the truth is , it was fate . No ones fault . Except the murderer . After all , how can Nigel Slater 's ghost come into my dreams unless he is actually killed ? What happened next surprised me . The cops arrested me . Told me I was being held on suspicion of murder . I told them not to be idiots , but they wrote it in their notebooks and not their minds . By that point the clues would be getting stale , so I drove right to the company . But they wouldn 't let me in . it was a police investigation , they said . No dice . I called the FBI agent and asked him to run the full scan on Slater . By the time he had finished I would know every single family member . And all I had to do was interview them . The only clue left to me was Sigma . The company was closed for a few hours , but the managing director wasn 't . Again the FBI came to my rescue . They had the address , and I wasn 't afraid to use it . We walked up the garden path . It wasn 't the most luxurious house that a managing director had ever lived at . But I knocked on the door anyway . I walked in . Behold , the group was all there . The director of the FBI himself . The attorney general . And a four star general . I could feel the back of my assistant straightening up . The Managing Director pressed a button on the TV . It switched on . Nigel Slater 's office . I saw him pick up his glass . Put the chemicals in it . The MD fast forwarded . Nigel killed himself . " Oil . We got him to produce computer models . All the oil reserves . He was so great . . . well , he could produce a program that told us exactly where oil was , just from satellite images . " Just at that moment a dozen armed guards came into the room . Their guns were pointed right at me . I raised my hands , and was soon plunged into the carpet . They searched me . Didn 't find anything interesting . " Yeah . But I don 't think you did it . I don 't think you were that smart . But I don 't know what this being who calls himself Nigel Slater is , " I didn 't struggle . By now , them putting handcuffs on me was almost routine . I just wish I had been able to continue my life as a charlatan . I didn 't know what to say to that . it was true . it was obvious when you think about it . Nigel had told me he was murdered when he was still alive . but no one ever said the soul was bound to the arrow of time . Within a few minutes we had picked up an escort . From what I could tell , they had closed the road down . Only we were travelling that evening . I gulped . It looked like things were just about to head for the worse . The trip to the Whitehouse was the most fraught I had experienced in my life . The director of the FBI was reading faxes and emails in the car . His face was getting more and more pale . " I guess like the English did in WWII . With disinformation . We need to get an Chinese agent and feed him bad info . And I guess Nigel might be your best hope for that . " I guess the FBI director caught on quickly . Because he could go anywhere , Nigel could listen to the Chinese chatter . He could find Chinese agents . Maybe he didn 't know Chinese , but he knew enough to listen in to the English language conversations . It wasn 't a new concept . The CIA had investigated it in the sixties . But they didn 't have a real life ghost , so their experiments failed . This time we had a real ghost . I asked them to pick out the Ouija board again . The séance room was a sight you had never seen in your life . The president and the director of the FBI holding hands , in a dark room . The president of the united states shook his head . You could tell he couldn 't believe what he was seeing . He got up from his seat , and you could almost hear his bones cracking . Over in the corner of the room I could see a computer with satellite images . I could watch the Chinese fleet mobilising in real time . The number of dots that represented aircraft carriers alone was scary . " It will only be a few days before we have to mobilise our own navy . " The wait was excruciating . But suddenly five hours latter , the board started spelling out a name . The FBI director went to work . Within minutes they had the file out . He didn 't look like what you would expect of a Chinese agent . He had long , blonde hair , was dressed in a respectable suit , and had a respectable job . He worked in the old navy base . His job was to work on the files , reading sensitive military information . Including information about resource allocation . Once they checked his bank account the truth became obvious . The FBI director stood up , and paced down the long thin corridor . Then he arrived back in the meeting room with a young woman . She was dressed in military uniform . He explained the plan . It was simple . The Chinese agent needed to think it had all been a hoax . But for that to work , he would have to eat a pack of lies . I wasn 't there , so I can report only what I have been told . The female agent I had been introduced to worked in the old navy headquarters . She worked in the files there . It is a room full of top secret papers . Room might be the wrong word ; it was the size of an aircraft hanger . She worked there , and had spent months being bored . So naturally , she had struck up a conversation with the handsome blonde military attaché . And , the conversation was reciprocated . The director of the FBI looked at her . She didn 't look like much to put the freedom of the world onto . But she was eager . And after being told what to do , she didn 't complain . She saluted . I stood at the back of the room , watching the Director of the FBI feeling out the officer , and knew I would have to talk to Nigel alone . I didn 't trust her . She looked too good to be true with her starched uniform and willing smile . The new agent went into a staff car , to be driven to the headquarters . She looked very lonely in the back of the car . Meanwhile , we walked to the operations room . There was a banks of monitors the length of the room . We could see satellite images of the build up of the Chinese fleet , as well as real time updates of our spies . I nodded . Then looked back over to the screens . I could see our agent depositing the papers in her draw . She phoned up the Chinese agent , and set up dinner . It looked like a glorious feast . Roast duck , with all the trimmings . The doorbell went . She walked over to it , and opened it . She said something , and the Chinese agent walked into the room . After ten minutes of conversation , she walked away . To go to the toilet . He walked over to the draws , and started rummaging . After a few minutes he found the file our agent had left . He took out the smallest camera you have ever seen , and clicked the image . After that , he put the files away . After he left , the confirmation came thick and fast . The Chinese fleet disbanded . It was amazing to see , but they split up within a matter of hours . Soon the sea around Taiwan was empty except for commercial shipping . I guess that if this had been a story that would be it . I would have been given a party , a celebration , and been allowed to leave . After all , I had saved the day . Well , Nigel did leave . I haven 't heard from him since . After they had finished celebrating , a guard collected me , and drove me in a prison van to here . It is a cold concrete cell . I am allowed a TV , and to write carefully vetted letters . I 'm not sure how I will post this , my story . Maybe I will write it under the postage stamp . I guess for an old crook like me , it is fair . But I wish I had been sent to jail for something I did . And not for some trumped up terrorist charge . Currently we only offer payment for one story selected as the feature story in the monthly pdf magazine only . The successful author will be contacted to organise payment via paypal for a $ 5AUD payment . 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The ship swayed and creaked . He feels every bit of it in his body . Taking no chances the crew , damnedable pirates , have chained him with no give . Legs bound in a kneeling position , arms chained to either wall crucifying him to the ship like a perverse figurehead , he 's been their captive long enough to have forgotten the feel of kindness . It is a small blessing that their fear of him keeps his gag in place at all times . It keeps them from coming anywhere near him . The captain learned a long time ago that he gleans all he needs to live from the moisture in the air , the brine in his eyes . During storms , when he is strongest , the captain posts guards with him . They don 't look at him . A terrible hope fills him today . By the movement of the ship and the crew 's curses , he knows that they 're being pursued by another ship . This ship is a runner , fast . There 'd be little concern of capture if the ship did not gain its quickness from being light , gain its lightness from having little room for armaments or supplies . The pursuers have had them going for a week now and they 'd been out of port for at least a month . He knows from the panic in the crew that the food is all but gone . Soon they 'll be too weak to load what small guns are aboard . He 'd be surprised if they could remember how to sight the cannons it 's been so long since the captain has ordered them used . His hope stems from the pirates ' desperation . If they succumb to practicality then they 'll come for him . With frightened hearts and shaking hands , they 'll undo his chains and he 'll get to spend some time under the sky instead of under foot . So he waits for their desperation to bloom practicality . It does not take long . The first mate comes with three guards and the keys . It is always the first mate that comes to get him . The captain coming himself would make him a person that the captain fears , he wouldn 't last long once that got out among the crew . The first mate is the only one he trusts with the keys to his chains . " The captain wants to see you . " He speaks with a unique accent that comes with the ship 's pidgin of French , Spanish , and Greek . His ears hear the gibberish , but his mind provides him with the meaning . Slowly , they unchain his arms from the ship and secure them behind his back . The guards are afraid to touch him , unsure whether he 'll break or they 'll be infected with something . It strikes him as odd how religious some of these men are . Coming onto the deck , sea spray hits him in the face , covers his bare chest . He instantly feels more alive . He stands taller , muscles flex , the chains bite into his skin . They take him to the captain , standing at the aft of the ship . He stands beside the captain looking out at the wide ocean , the only thing marring their perfect view of the horizon the pursuers . The first mate and guards fold themselves into the three other men standing around them . The captain just stands there for a few minutes , ignoring him . This too is done to show the crew he will do this in his own time , to show that the man he keeps below decks does not frighten him . Around the gag , behind the locked mouth plate , he smiles . Only he and the captain know what he is , and he knows that the captain is frightened of that . " I have use of you . " From under his coat he draws out the key that only he is allowed to keep . He inserts into lock for the face plate . " If you hurt this ship my men will stab you and you will die before you can swim for freedom . Like always , yeah ? " He nods . It 's always the same threat . It vaguely occurs to him that this is only a half life . But then , the spirits would kill for half a life . The plate falls away and he spits the wooden wedge from his mouth . His tongue sticks out , tasting the salt in the air . He flexes his jaw , taking in the blue sky , the white clouds , the gentle waves . He smiles at the captain . Other than the crew 's swords there is very little compelling him . Finally , the captain 's annoyance at the delay shows on his face . He focuses on ship on the horizon . He tries not to think of the men on the ship . He knows he will have to answer for his actions one day , but he 's trying to postpone that day for as long as possible . " I 'm fine . Sorry . " The cabby 's eyes dart from the road to the rearview mirror and back . " I 'm good . I 'm okay . " The cabby 's eyes return to the road and stay there , Lawrence was prepared to keep reassuring him for the rest of the drive as long as he didn 't take his eyes off the road . " That jetlag 's a bitch , isn 't it ? " " Yeah , jetlag . " He doesn 't really feel like talking so he looks out the window . What he sees unsettles him so much that he almost closes his eyes again . Outside the cab desert stretched on for miles . When he 'd met the cabby at the airport he 'd been fine . They 'd been in the middle of a city . He preferred the buildings and people to the endless dry expanse . He tried to think of it as a sea of earth but it just made him queasy . He can 't help it , he closes his eyes . " We 're almost there , " the cabby rouses him . " If I 'd of known I wouldn 't have let you sleep at all . You wouldn 't believe how many people fall asleep in my cab from the airport . " The cabby keeps up a steady stream of chitchat for the next few minutes . Lawrence doesn 't say much , but he 's glad for the distraction . " Here we go , buddy . " He pulls up in front of an independent diner . Lawrence can tell the sign was made with care when it was painted , years in the desert sun has faded it badly . " They got good food here ? " " I don 't know . This is my first time here . " He pays the fare and steps out of the air - conditioned interior . His lips are immediately dry and cracked . The heat cuts him to the core as fast as it dried his lips , the urge to speak rises in him . He needs to escape this heat , he 's drowning in dryness . He rushes inside hoping that they 'll have air - conditioning . No such luck . The interior of the restaurant is as faded as the exterior . He seats himself , impatiently tapping his foot waiting for the waitress . He can hear the sound of the wind . Not the dry , lifeless wind of the desert , but the damp , alive wind of the storm . It 's calling to him , begging him to call out . He licks his lips with a tongue he can barely feel . He can 't help himself , the desert is antithesis for him . Why had he decided to come here ? To satisfy some adolescent curiosity ? He takes one long , shuttering breath . " The special , two of them , just bring me a pitcher of water . " His throat feels so dry . He has to speak now before he loses his chance . " Hmph ! " With blurry vision he watches her flounce back to the kitchen . He grabs the edge of the table to steady himself . He 's clenching his jaw by the time she comes back with a glass for him . He swallows half of it . The cool liquid fills him , calming him . Vision clears , hands stop shaking , the urge lessening . The torrent of wind in his ears shifts to a gentle breeze . How close had he come ? The waitress turns to leave again , he grabs her arm . " Can I get you anything else ? " She says it in such a way that makes Lawrence wonder if it 's actually a question . She tired of him he can tell . She 's too used to bullying the locals . He doesn 't trying to be nice to her , he just takes out a fifty and lays it on the table . " This is your tip if you keep bringing me pitchers of water . " Her eyes gleam slightly as she stares at the bill on the table . Slowly she puts the pitcher on the table . " Thank you . " He drains the rest of his glass and pours another . He finishes this one in three huge gulps . He doesn 't feel as trapped now , his breathing has evened out . He fills the glass a third time , finishing off the pitcher , but only sips this one . A couple minutes pass , the waitress brings his two specials and another pitcher . Lawrence only picks at his food . Between the desert and the age of the equipment in the diner the food is completely dry . Mainly he just cuts up the food and moves it around on his plate . Mainly he watches the people in the restaurant . He immediately discounts his waitress . Seeing her move around the diner , speaking with her , she 's spent most of her life trying to get away from this place . It 's a pity that she 'd never really feel like she belongs anywhere . An old man sits in another booth . He is weathered , his countenance telling the story of a life in the desert . Despite the heat of the day he 's drinking coffee . Lawrence would have considered him a likely candidate if his research didn 't tell him he is looking for someone younger . Besides the old man doesn 't look like he belongs here , only that he 's gotten used to living here . It 's an old style diner setup , so Lawrence can see the cook behind the half wall separating the kitchen from the dining area . Cook would be a wonderful job for who he 's looking for . The heat rising from the stove providing a fix for the cravings while at work . Though nothing compared to the natural heat of the desert it would do while at work . Unfortunately the cook is wearing a sleeveless shirt that 's plastered to his body with sweat . Lawrence 's heart falls . He 's not close enough to the cook to pick up a flow from him , but the fact that he 's sweating tells him all he needs to know . It 's possible his sources were wrong . It 's not easy to track a Bearer . The burden / gift they bear making it too hard to get a fix on them . He 's about to get up , throwing the contents of his glass down his throat , when the kitchen door swings open and a young man steps through . Lawrence puts his cup down and watches him . Something in the way he moves is different . Somehow his movements come off as light , almost bouncy . Even just clearing dishes from tables , his movements are quick , precise . He wears a t - shirt , jeans , and boots , all are cheap , but he still has an air of status . Lawrence notes that he 's not sweating . He looks up , checking for more stray dishes . Lawrence motions him over . " You finished with this , mister ? " Lawrence inhales and catches the scent of aged stone . " Sorry , mister , I 'm just here for the dishes . You 'll want to try Craiper St . around ten tonight . " He grabs a plate , Lawrence grabs his wrist . Sun … Heat … Dry … Sand … Lawrence pulls his hand away , palm red . Perspiration stands out on the young man 's brow now , fear in his eyes . He slides into the booth across from Lawrence . Lawrence pours another glass of water and waits for the boy to say something . " I 'm on break ! " She throws up her hands and goes back into the kitchen . Tito smiles at Lawrence . " Let 's go outside . " Lawrence downs his water and follows him out and around the diner . " I 'm Benjamin Fuller , but everyone calls me , Tito . Now who the hell are you ? " It 's a fair question . If he doesn 't know what he is then he 's probably really freaked out . Lawrence can 't blame him , he 's been there . " Ha , not likely , man . " Tito looks skeptical , very skeptical . There 's at least fifteen years between them . And while Tito isn 't a full blooded Mexican , Lawrence can tell at least one of his parents is , while Lawrence couldn 't be more white without being an albino . It 's hard to believe . " I don 't mean biologically . I mean spiritually . " Tito 's face is instantly serious . " You can feel it , can 't you ? That subtle , tickling at the back of your brain that makes you feel like you know me , even while at your core I unsettle you . " " Yes . " Tito looks so relieved that it breaks Lawrence 's heart . He knows what it 's like to finally have this explained . Lawrence had spent three years in a mental hospital trying to deal by himself . Tito is a strong young man . " Where is there open desert ? " Tito points down an alley . Lawrence starts walking , Tito doesn 't need to be told to follow , he falls into step next to Lawrence careful not to touch him . They come out the other end of the alley seeing open land . For Lawrence it 's as close to nothing as he ever wants to get . Longing fills Tito 's eyes . " I want to share something with you . Watch out there . " Lawrence takes a deep breath and centers himself . The urge to speak has been growing since they stepped out of the diner , the dryness creeping in to all his dark places . Tito 's hands fly up to cover his ears . " Ah ! What the hell ? " FLASH ! BOOM ! The thunder cuts off any further curses . Tito 's gaze is drawn out to the desert , where black storm clouds have formed out of nowhere . The fear is back in his eyes , he retreats till his back hits the wall to the building . " What have you done ? " " I spoke my Word . We 're Word Bearers , Tito . You have your own . Can you feel it ? Deep in core . " Lawrence can see he 's confused . He 's frightened , overwhelmed . FLASHBOOM ! " You can stop this , Tito . Go ahead . Say your Word . I want to hear it . " " I don 't … I 'm not sure . " Confusion and fear war on Tito 's face . Lawrence hopes he won 't run . He didn 't mean to scare the boy . " Of course you 're sure . You 've known it for centuries , you just haven 't spoken it yet . It 's okay . I 'm here with you . " His first step is hesitant , his second is firm , his third is confident . Lawrence realizes he 's holding his breath . Tito looks up at him , he nods . Tito fixes his gaze on the storm . " " There it is . It 's as quiet as Lawrence 's Word is loud , but no less powerful . It 's so beautiful . As Lawrence watches the storm clouds dissipate a tear rolls down his cheek . 2 Dad suffered even from a sight of blood , and he never killed a hen nor slaughtered a pig . But I was aware that once he had donated his blood in the name of my Mum still , because she 'd had a narrow escape on an operating table then . With me a doctor would have my blood tested in a moment : one , two and it 's done . But first they make you ready for rather a time : take a seat , then have a proper finger chosen , though it is always just the one , then they wipe it with spirits until take somewhat sharp like a mini - scalpel . Not everyone can stand the procedure , but I was not against it when a doctor suggested me having my blood tested . She was a likable one , youngish for her age , not married or divorced , probably . And she had no child , I felt it immediately , she had such a look , barren if you want . Possibly for health reasons she could not bear a child or she didn 't find a right man . Or she could have a particular blood group not to have a child with anyone , that 's why she employed at a doctor 's consulting room to make blood tests . And she urged me to have my blood tested . At first I didn 't mind it , the right thing it is , still she didn 't ask my permission . " Just let 's have your blood tested " , she said and left me . She had many things to do I suppose . In doctor 's smocks they walked hither and thither all the time at a clinic there talking over the heads of those waiting , as if one was dead already . And I was still alive and a nurse was preparing to have my blood tested . While she got me ready she was chattering . She said that men were afraid of blood testing nowadays . More and more they refused to do it and ran away sometimes seeing a drop of blood . And one had nothing to fear , there was a couch behind the curtain in a special emergency to lie low , in case one fainted . She pulled the white curtain aside and showed me a couch with dark green leatherette and I shivered all at once : what for they needed my blood ? She suggested me taking off a jacket and rolling up my sleeve , left or right one , I don 't rMy Bio : Mr . Valery Petrovskiy is a journalist and short story writer from Russia . Не is an English Department graduate at Chuvash State University , Cheboksary , graduated in journalism at VKSch Higher School , Moscow and in psychology at Kazan State Technology University . He has been writing prose since 2005 . Some of his writing has been published in The Scrambler , Rusty Typer , BRICKrethoric , NAP Magazine , Literary Burlesque , The Other Room , Curbside Quotidian , DANSE MACABRE , WidowMoon Press , PRIME MINCER , Apocrypha and Abstractions , The Legendary in the USA , and in Australian " Skive " and " Going Down Swinging " magazines . At the moment he is writer - in - residence at Marco Polo Art Mag . It 's dark in here . That 's because I live at the bottom of the jewellery box along with the other outcasts : the tangled necklace with the broken lobster claw and teddy pendant she got for her eleventh birthday , along with the bracelet that 's missing a couple of gem stones . She always says she will have them repaired but never does , preferring to spend the money on more fashionable pieces instead that imitate Asian and Oriental designs . An untrained eye might imagine that they were found by a back - packer on their travels , but they weren 't . They can be bought from any shop on the high - street , and are merely echoes of worlds she 's never seen . Not all of us down here are broken though . I 'm not , and neither is the engagement ring she got from Mark , ( who eventually cheated on her with Shannon from Reception , ) or the belly bar she took out when she put weight on and decided looked too young for her anyway . The ones at the top who get worn more often pity us , ( ' how boring it must be , ' they say to each other in whispers they think we can 't hear , ' being cooped up down there , month in , month out , ' ) but in a way they 're jealous . As I 've said , you could buy them in their hundreds if you wanted to , and they are without sentimental value like the childhood necklace or the belly bar that reminds her of her wild teens and early twenties . They 're easily replaced and she gives them away when they become outdated - or chucks them if even her younger sister and the charity shops say no , thanks . She doesn 't like Mark 's ring or me , so it isn 't often that her fingers dig through the chunky bangles and strings of beads to bring me to the surface . It happens maybe three or four times a year when she has arranged to visit The Matriarch . The ring doesn 't even get a look in . Why Mark wouldn 't let her give it back to him so that he could give it to someone he did love is beyond us ; at least that way it would have been enjoyed . All the same , seeing as I 'm an heirloom and the ring is eighteen carat white goPerhaps you imagine I get bitter when the voices of the favoured ones float above my head , chattering away about their ventures out of the box : days at work , dinners , dates , parties and who was there , who wasn 't there , what she wore … you get the drift . Or worse , maybe you feel sorry for me . I 'd rather you didn 't . Pity the rest but not me . I 'm not so keen on their weight pressing down on me but I don 't mind the dark . In fact I quite like it . It reminds me of home , my real one , from before I met people . As for being bitter , you can rule that out . I 'm a pearl , darling ; it 's not in my nature . You lot have seen me as a symbol of love for thousands of years and I do try to live up to my name by being kind - although I cannot help but wince sometimes at the irony , given that the first person I ever met died . Don 't look at me like that ; it wasn 't my fault . But that 's why she doesn 't like me . All the same , when you 've being kept in a family for over a century you do take an interest in your present owner , even if it 's not reciprocated , so I enjoy listening to the young ones ' gossip . Let them have their fun while they still can . The best they can hope for is a place in a child 's dressing - up box in just a few , short years so they might as well enjoy it . 2 . Memories . I might be old - fashioned and be from a past that she and you would rather forget , but I 'm not like your kind . I will endure and outlive the others , her - even you . And I never forget . My memory doesn 't grow weak with age , it gets stronger . I can still smell what my home was like ; still feel the movements of the person who found me when he panicked and rushed too quickly to the top , and the urgent , grasping hand of the first , but different person to ever touch me , as though I 'd only stopped smelling and feeling them a minute ago . The memories of my owners and the events in their lives play like the films you are so fond of ; the moment when her grandfather proposed to her grandmother , and the christening of her mother , they are a3 . Before she grew up . I suppose you think it strange that her grandmother , ( or The Matriarch as she jokingly calls her , ) skipped a generation and gave me to someone who doesn 't like me , but it never used to be this way . When she was little and used to visit her grandmother she would ask , ( very politely after giving her a peck on the cheek , ) if she could play with her jewellery box . The answer was always yes , and she would very carefully hunt through the diamonds and gold to find me , pin me to her jumper and wear me for the rest of the time she was there . It became something of a ritual , to the point where her grandmother began to pick me out herself and would put me on the coffee table ready for when she arrived . When she was eighteen , The Matriarch had a heart attack , and fearing that she would never leave hospital , insisted on the girl 's mother driving for two hours to get me , so that she could give me to her personally before it was too late . They were very close , and still are in spite of the distance , for she survived against all the odds . Whenever she goes to see her she always comments on how lovely it is , seeing her granddaughter all grown up , wearing her old brooch that 's always been her favourite . And I was for a time . Traditionally I was only worn for a special or significant occasion , but when she was at college I had the strange but enjoyable experience of being put in her pocket and going with her , and if she felt nervous about something her fingers would slide down to stroke me . Normally I hated people manhandling me , but I didn 't mind in her case - it was better than her biting her nails . It was almost as if she thought that having me with her would stop something bad happening - and I have been viewed as ' lucky . ' Stop sniggering , it 's true . In the days of knights and sword - fighting , we would be worn when the rich and noble went into battle because they thought we would protect them from harm , so don 't laugh at her . It felt good , being wanted , and I have to confess I came in danger You don 't like being reminded of your past - those days of glory when Britain ruled half the world . I think that 's why you apologise so much , and give more than you can afford to charities trying to save the poor and starving around the globe . It 's almost as though you 're trying to make up for all the wrongs done before you were born . And I 've tried to avoid talking about it in case you ran away - I get lonely sometimes and it 's nice having someone to talk to . But you can 't run forever , things have to be faced eventually . Some of you may already know and may already be trying to shut out the sound of my words by turning your thoughts to the plans you 've made for the weekend , but there 'll be a lot of you who don 't . There are lots of happy anecdotes from my owners ' lives I could have told you but this is the one you need to hear : My story . We are not like your kind , but there is one thing we have in common : just as you can 't remember coming out of the womb , we don 't know what it was like being a grain of sand or piece of shell squeezing our way inside an oyster and hardening ; all I remember is being . There were no thoughts , for when you live inside a shell there isn 't a great deal to think about - nothing happens . That probably sounds dull to you but there was no sadness , no pain or death . It was peaceful , just being . I didn 't know this at the time but even nothing has to come to an end eventually : the day would always have come when I would be found . It will be hard for you to understand what it was like being taken out of water , hearing sounds , seeing colours and light - all for the first time . On paper it sounds great , this explosion of life , but the reality was frightening - and even fear was something I had never heard of or felt before . Maybe that 's why your newborns usually cry when they come out , because they 're scared and want to go back . I 'm trying to think of ways to describe how it was to you , and the only way I can think of is for you to imagine an ancient Egyptian being placed in the middle of a supermarket . That might give you a better idea , but even that doesn 't come close . I 've learnt a lot since then - ( I 've had to , I didn 't have any other choice - ) but there 's one thing I 've never been able to get my head around , and that is time . Your lives are ruled by clocks and diaries telling you when deadlines or birthdays are due , but when you have so much time whole years , even decades can pass you by . Forgive me then , if I am a little hazy on dates . What I can tell you is that I was brought to the surface in the late 1800s , which makes me special . There aren 't many of us that come from nature now . Most are made by man in bulk on farms . Things changed . You suddenly became concerned about human life and diving equipment got better . Both meant that the world 's poor no were no longer forced to hold their breaths for comments » I knew that someone important was going to walk into my life at 12 : 15 , just after I normally drink tea and prepare for an slow day working on the horoscope . Now , maybe you might not believe me . After all , I am a professional charlatan . But I knew something was up , because for the last two weeks every prediction I have made actually worked out . It started when I saw Mrs Henderson . She was a fat woman , an unpleasant woman , a great client . Like most people who wanted a reading , she didn 't want the truth . And normally I didn 't give it to her . I pulled out the equipment . It was a plain set . It looked like bone china , but was made in china for a very low price . Mrs Henderson looked impressed anyway . She had a lot of money , and not a lot of sense . Anyway , I started reading the information contained in the tea leafs . And then the world went blank . When I returned to the world , Mrs Henderson was gone . I walked out of the shop I had rented , and another of the shopkeepers came up to me . He was normally an quiet , amicable chap . This time he looked like he wanted to throttle me . " She came out of here . Howling and crying , like you 'd tried to kill her . " he put his face up to mine , " You ever do it again and I 'll . . " " I don 't know what you 're talking about , " and I backed away from him . He stalked off . I walked back to my shop , ready to wait for my next appointment . Mrs Abbot didn 't come . She left a nervous message on my answer phone . At the time I didn 't realise why . Because I had no other clients for the day , I went home . My mouth opened wide . It was such a shock , it seemed like I 'd just been told I was about to die . And then . Then I was in my bed , looking at the ceiling . The police officers had gone . But it felt more real than a dream . It must have been a dream . Yeah , that was what it was , I convinced myself . Although I should have known better . In Ireland you can make a full time living as a psychic . less so in England . The English wouldn 't even pay you if you could predict the lottery . So I also work as a pitchman . Which , if you think about it , is just another way to make a dishonest buck . I walked to the nearest boot sale , and set up . It isn 't too crowded in the morning . And everyone is busy . So I crawl in through the hedge . They don 't know that I 'm there against the rules . I set up . My table is old fashioned . A suitcase with legs you fold out . Like the true pitchmen of the 50 's . My pitch is the worm . They wiggle around my hand , like they are alive . The fools in the crowd gave me money . That is what they are for . She had the longest blondest hair this side of fairyland , and her smile lights up the room like a flashlight . And I knew I am meant to talk to her . Just now . She walked off . I had the sense she is in trouble . She was poorer than she used to be , her clothes were expensive , but last years fashion . I had a feeling I will meet her again . When I got there , there was Mrs Henderson and her husband . Their eyes were red . They had been crying . I couldn 't understand what they were there for . I managed to get them to leave . At first I thought that the gossip would help me . But the truth is , no one wants to go to a psychic that tells them the truth . Life is hard enough . You go to a psychic to hear lies . I made some money as a pitchman , so it didn 't affect me too much . But I kept on having bad dreams . I kept on seeing people I knew in them . Not just that , I saw how they died . Their pain . And I started to write down what I saw . In a book by my bedside cabinet . The extra time I had meant I was drinking more too . It was like I 'd been cursed . But the worst was the Christians . They decided that these dreams were inspired by Satan . They set up the picket line in front of my office . I started to think I should simply leave . On Wednesday , the cleaner came in . She was a nosy parker . And no mistake . Her husband had died a few years back , and she was interested in everything . While it 's not the way she put it , she was very interested in the diary . All the details of the different murders and deaths I 'd seen . All the factual details that no one else other than the murderer could know . She took it to the police , and they read it , and they got their warrant . I arrived back at the normal time , and nothing was different . The book was there . I didn 't notice the surveillance cameras . Not at all . They broke in that night . It wasn 't a dream . And I looked up to them bleary eyed , a gun pointing in my face , and swore . They dragged me towards the back of the car , and I noticed someone had decided to give the press warning . So it was very public . Once in , they took me right there . And kitted me out in fetching jail clothing , since I was still in pyjamas . This was the first time I was in jail , and I can tell you it is not as bad as some people say . There is an odd vinegar smell , hiding other bodily fluids . And it is never quiet . There is always shouting going on , and doors slammed . But it was no worse than some hotels I 've been in while performing . I looked across at my lawyer . Short , thin , balding and bored . The police officer had my diary in front of him . He picked it up . " In it , you 've got the details of dozens of murders . Information the police hasn 't released to the public . Information . . . dare I say it , in some cases that the police didn 't even know themselves . " And that was it . That was the full content of the interview . I was hustled off into the cell , and ended up waiting for days . In telephone conversations with friends , I knew the police were digging up my life . I was given a notebook , and a pen , and I continued to write down my dreams . I thought I might as well . The police would search my cell every now and again , and confiscate them . They even moved me to solitary . Made sure no one could be feeding me this information . Or , presumably , that I wasn 't ordering the killings . But the dreams continued . They were getting worse and worse . Every morning I woke up feeling like I had not slept . I guess at least things looked up , because they took me from prison . They drove me along country lanes , towards a building . I can 't tell you precisely where it was . It just looked like an old school to be honest . You 'd never have guessed it was an intelligence headquarters . They bundled me out into an empty building . You 've heard of the secret prisons . Well , they are true . They dressed me up in a uniform , tagged my ankle , and locked me in a cage . The only thing they gave me was some paper and a pen to write down my dreams . Sometimes people came to research me . They put me in scanners , and gave me all kinds of medical tests . The results were unsurprising . I was just a normal , healthy individual . And that was how it seemed I was destined to live for the rest of my life . Until I started to hear the voices . They were low . Just like someone was talking in the next room . Distant . And I couldn 't make them out . That night I was tossing and turning , and I heard someone shout out my name . I woke up . No one was there . Then I tried to get asleep again , and managed it . But the voice was insistent . Nothing answered me . The guards walked past my cell . But with the dreams and the voices , I was getting no sleep . It started to affect me so badly I would not even eat food . Within a few days I was exhausted . Mentally and physically drained . And I guess that is what the creatures wanted . Because soon they broke through . It 's hard to tell you how it felt . But if you have ever had a moment of shock , when you suddenly feel like you aren 't there , you 'll know . He said his name . And then the voice faded away . But I knew I had to do precisely what he told me . I 'd go mad otherwise . Maybe I was already mad . The opportunity came sooner than I expected . My handlers were getting anxious . I was producing less predictions than normal , and the federal conviction rate was plummeting through the floor . The handlers looked like model citizens . Dark suits , a man and a woman dressed formally , like they were lawyers . They flashed their badge to me . I don 't know why , the fact I was in a prison gave them away . The police officer fell back . You could see him working it through in his mind . Despite the success of my predictions , he settled on the conclusion I was mad . After all , psychic phenomena were impossible . He 'd read that once . I shook my head . But that night , I was thinking about it , and decided that I had to ask . Had to have a conversation , if only for my sanity . When the voices started up , I leaned forward in my bed . I asked the question again . But he would say nothing of use to me . he would only repeatedly ask me to find his killers . Not very useful . Eventually , I managed to coax his name from him . Nigel . Not a very good name for a joke . That was the strange thing . No murder victims of that name came up . Not any time soon . But a week later , a Nigel disappeared . And I realised the truth . I looked through the court reports . He had been killed by stabbing . They wouldn 't let me out of the jail . So all I could do was read the files they brought on him . And I got the feeling that many of the details had been redacted . it was like looking for a haystack in an elephant : messy and not very satisfactory . There were only two people I decided who could have done it . They both had a great deal to gain . At the end of the day , though , there is a limit to what you can do from inside a jail cell . The guards looked sceptically at me when I asked for it . But I was responsible for half the murder arrests in the district for the last six months . So they eventually gave me what I wanted . Especially when I refused to furnish them with any more information . I don 't know if you have ever been to a proper séance . Well , to be honest , most of the time the knocks are from the medium . But this time it was different . Within moments of the séance starting , I was aware that the room was colder . Then the entire board lifted off the table , and flew towards me . It hit the wall a few inches from my face . The room warmed up again . The presence was gone . For a little while . " I didn 't " I replied . I knew that he didn 't believe me . But he would have to show more senior people . And I knew they couldn 't afford to risk me . I went back to bed . For the first time in weeks , I had no bad dreams . I guess Nigel knew I understood his message . I slept very soundly . Until the next morning . But my guards didn 't really understand . Or they did not want to understand . My handler met me in the interview room the next morning . He looked tired . Besides him sat a man I hadn 't seen before . He wore the cleanest , most expensive suit I had seen during my stay at the states pleasure . The man stood up . He walked out of the room . Measured , and without menace . But he didn 't seem to be a man used to dealing with no . My handler shook his head . He didn 't need to tell me the consequences . All of a sudden , I was put on suicide watch . Woken up every thirty minutes to see if I wasn 't dead yet . The heating in my cell surprisingly broke . I knew I was in their hands totally . But I never realised what it was like to displease them . You see , Nigel might be a ghost , but that doesn 't mean he is stupid . He can see what is happening . He knows they are stopping me doing what he wants . And this gets him angry . They first times he acted , it looked like coincidence . The guards chair would tilt under him , depositing him on the floor . Or cups of coffee were not placed firmly enough on the table . The guards were spooked by me . They knew that I was able to see things they could not . But although the guards face became pale , his hand on the trigger was steady and firm . It was too late . The chair slammed into the guard . He dropped to the floor . Then I saw the guards keys float from his pocket . My cell door was unlocked . I walked over to the guard , stripped his clothes off , and changed into his uniform . I thought I didn 't have much of a choice . If I didn 't do what Nigel wanted he would kill me . Every door I came to slid open without me doing anything . It would have been creepy if I didn 't know what was happening . Soon the alarms started to ring out . People would be grabbing their guns , getting ready to shoot me . I could feel my heart trying to escape from my chest . I soon arrived at fire exit . It opened in front of me . I climbed down some steps . Below me , I could see coppers swarming . I continued to walk down . One of the coppers recognised me . I ran in the opposite direction . He took aim , and I could hear the gun explode behind me . But the bullet didn 't pierce my skin like I expected . Instead , it ended in the ground . I reached a police car , and the engine came on without anyone doing anything . Then I went into a store and bought black trousers and a white shirt . Got changed . And walked out of the shopping centre , expecting to be caught at any time . In my pocket there was five hundred dollars . That was all I had in the world , except for an insane ghost . I decided it was time to go to the library . After chatting to the librarian for a few seconds , she walked me over to a computer which had copies of the local papers for the last twenty years . I typed a search . At first I found nothing , but as I expanded the search back I found him . According to the interview , he was found murdered in his bed . He had been asleep . His wife had been charged and convicted of his murder . But she said she was innocent . Nothing came in response . I knew that would happen . It was too much to hope for . It was getting late at night . The librarian was fussing near me . It was time to go . When you are a fugitive , it isn 't as simple to find a place to stay as booking a room in a hotel . I walked round , looking for an empty house . It took me an hour . Occasionally a police car would go past . It made me nervous . At one time it would have been a posh bungalow . But whoever had owned it had been taken to a care home , and it was covered in weeds and neglect . I walked up to the door , and it swings open . That is one of the advantages of your own private poltergeist . Inside it was a mess . But dry and water proof . There was a wood burning stove in one room . The power was off , and Nigel didn 't turn it on . But the water was only off at the mains . It was easy enough to get it working again . In the morning I would have to start the process of searching for Nigel Slater . I knew roughly where he lived . I fell asleep , and woke up hungry and cramped . Outside , I could hear rustling . I peeked through the window , and could see a man dressed only in black . He looked like he was not very friendly . I ducked down , but he must have seen me . He edged towards the door . It was locked , but he slammed it open . I hid behind the sofa . it didn 't help . He walked towards me . I noticed he had a poker in his hand . There was no way he wouldn 't find me . I stood up . I looked over at him . He had a long scar down his face . it seemed like he was used to trouble . And he was straining to start a fight . I did what he said . He followed me . I thought he might hit me at any second . or recognise me . They must have put my picture out into the news by now . I sighed with relief , but knew that my location might be passed onto the police . I decided it was time to get out of the town . I caught a bus , and tried to hide my face . Since I hadn 't had a bath for a few days it was easier than you might think . People did not want to look me in the eyes . I arrived at Nigel 's house six hours latter . It was a solemn house . A plane front garden laid to grass , brick frontage , and white windows . It didn 't look like anyone had ever cared for it . It looked like it was a place to sleep and not to stay . It took me a few minutes to settle down , and watch the street . There was nothing extraordinary about it . A few people walked past , taking little interest in the stranger . After watching for half an hour , I knew there was little information here for me . Talking round the local shops I found out that Nigel had been a quiet man . Few people knew him , past his saying hello . he didn 't seem to have been involved in anything wrong . or indeed in anything at all . I decided that there could only really have been one source of trouble . He must have found out something at work . Something that made him worth more to someone dead than alive . I got some annual reports from his company and studied them . Amazing what is available on the internet these days . There was little of interest . I applied to work at Nigel 's company as a cleaner . it was a big risk . I supplied false references , and knew they would not check them for months . That 's the thing about cleaners . No one takes any notice . So I got the job , and examined the work place thoroughly . It looked like an office . The computers were always on . Once or twice I looked over the shoulder of someone working but it was all gobbledygook to me . To make it worse , I saw my face on the newspaper when I went for food . Sure , I looked a lot different now . I had grown longer hair , a beard , and was thinner . But it was still me . I grew suspicious of other people . Then came my big break . Several people were working in the office late . I overhead them speaking about a billion dollar deal . The company was getting bought out . I checked the internet , and there was something in the trade section . The routine was the same every day . But one of my colleagues had not turned up to work . So I was asked to clean the main office . I did so . But I did more than that , I broke into the file cabinets , and started reading company secrets . But that didn 't save me for long . The next day I arrived at work a few minutes earlier . Something told me that things were wrong . The security guard on the gate was new . He told me to go out to the bosses office . I walked into a small lab , and looked around . There was a window , and I tried to open it . In the distance I could see five police cars . The window wouldn 't open . There was only one way out . And I knew that by now , there would be police officers between me and the door . I looked round to find a chair . Then used it to break the window . The alarm went , and I slid through the empty hole . But I caught my shoulder on a shard of glass . I was bleeding . The police gave up their pretence . Dozens of sirens started up , heading towards the building . I ran through a green space . I knew that there was only one way out of the compound except the front gate . A hole in the fence I had noticed a few days earlier . But over head their was a helicopter . Although I ran like the wind , it wasn 't enough . I could hear the police men getting closer and closer . I turned around and saw two police officers . They both had guns pointed at me . I raised my hands , and they soon had me on the ground . I arrived at my destination a few hours latter . This time they were taking no chances . I arrived at a super maximum prison . Surrounded by barbed wire , dogs , and armed police officers it was obvious I 'd never get out . The next day the interrogation began . Again and Again . Asking me where I had gone . What I had done . I eventually broke down and told them everything . But that didn 't stop them continuing . Maybe what they were doing was no crime . But it was a form of torture . Eventually , the interrogations stopped . They gave me paper . They wanted to go back to how it used to be . But by that time I had got so angry , even when I did have a dream I kept it to myself . I wasn 't there . So all I can do is repeat the report that was made to me . No guarantee it is what happened . Apparently the director of the FBI had been having an extramarital affair . He was in bed that normal , and engaging in exercise at the same time . This was not expected , but what was even more unexpected was the windows opening wide . And the explosions of a gun . The director of the FBI 's gun . But I do know that it made the national news . The assistant director of the FBI resigned . And , to be frank , most of the people in the FBI did not care much about that . But it was fair warning . He didn 't seem to be exactly happy about what had happened . In fact , he stormed in to the visiting room , and let loose a barrage of swear words . I sat there passively , listening to him . When he calmed down sufficiently , he sat down . " Nigel was right . All he wants is his murderer found . But he isn 't going to stop . Not until that is done . Not even if he has to kill someone else to do it . " " No . I am not . Nigel is a threat to you . If you stand in the way , that is . He is a ghost . What can you do to get rid of him ? " The director of the FBI thought for a few seconds . An hour latter , a priest turned up with bell , book and candle . it didn 't work spectacularly . The power went off , the candle blew out , the bell rang , and the book was thrown across the room . The director gestured to the mirror and two toughs walked in . They carried some rope . They tied me to the chair , and lifted a cosh over their heads . Then all hell broke lose . The cosh swung back by itself . it raised into the air , and came down , laying out one of the thugs . The other caught me a glancing blow , but something unseen lifted him from the floor and threw him against the wall . " You have a choice . Director . Help find Nigel 's killer . Or , I think , Nigel will chase you down and gut you like a fish . " Eventually the Director settled down again . He sat in his chair , silently looking at me . I wasn 't a pretty picture . Thin , and in prison coveralls . I must have looked like a real criminal . They let me go that afternoon . Put me in a suit , and told me I was seconded to the FBI . I was even given my own agent . He was tall , thin , and looked every inch the government man . The agent shook his head . He gave nothing away . That was when I knew he wasn 't sent to help me . Just to keep an eye out on me . Nevertheless , I decided that I could use him . Like he wanted to use me . I looked over to him , and told him to get a warrant . We were going to search Nigel 's company . And read every damn bit of paper they had about Sigma . When we arrived at the door , they had their lawyer sorted out already . Someone must have leaked it . He looked like he had cost a lot of money . " I 'm afraid we have the right not to incriminate ourselves . We are asserting that right . Both as a company , and as individuals . So , no , you can ask any questions but we will not answer them . " I was surprised when I found the clue . It was something no one else would have noticed . A single envelope in the bin . It contained an address . I think Nigel must have been helping me . I was drawn to it . But the thing I noticed was the fact the address had a Sigma stamp . Once we were out of the building , I decided to break away from the FBI agent . I knew some things would work better on my own . it was easier said than done . When I tried to go for a walk that night , he insisted on staying right by me . Getting to the address was difficult . I didn 't have a car , I had to take the bus . Most of the journey there wasn 't even that . And it had began to rain . I must have looked odd , walking around town that late at night , soaked . In fact , I surprised no copper stopped me . " Good enough , " I said . Knowing I was lying as I said it . It wasn 't like it was my strong point . The expression on the coppers face showed he thought not either . He stood there behind me his mouth opened , as I shimmied the lock . it opened . I walked in . This was a mistake , I didn 't notice the small CCTV camera , the camera that was hidden in a plug socket . But it was sending my picture right up to the security office . I worked quickly , going up the stairs to the office . I don 't know what I had expected to see . But what I did see looked just like any other office . Even down to the half drunk cup of coffee . I woke up in the boot of a car . I could feel the engine running , and smell burning petrol . It was pick black . The car started off , bumping along the ground . Hitting me from side to side . My hands were tied behind my back . It was lucky I knew a little magic . I got the knot loose without much effort . Then I grovelled around the car to find something , anything that could help me . There was a wrench , which I picked up . I put the rope around my wrists , hiding the fact I was loose . And put the wrench in my pocket . The boot of the car swung open . One of the security guards lifted me out of the boot . He was covered in muscle . My mouth opened wide . That was the last thing I expected to hear . They marched me along the ground and I saw him for the first time . Nigel . Alive . Then the room went strange . Something turned the lights off , and opened the windows . It even raised a chair off the ground . The security guard looked worried for the first time . " For the last month , I have been searching for the person who killed Nigel Slater . You , sir , are Nigel Slater . But it seems your ghost hasn 't got the information you are alive . " But it didn 't work . By the time that the ambulance arrived , Nigel was in a deep coma . It took only a short time after that until the first homicide detective got there . But the truth is , it was fate . No ones fault . Except the murderer . After all , how can Nigel Slater 's ghost come into my dreams unless he is actually killed ? What happened next surprised me . The cops arrested me . Told me I was being held on suspicion of murder . I told them not to be idiots , but they wrote it in their notebooks and not their minds . By that point the clues would be getting stale , so I drove right to the company . But they wouldn 't let me in . it was a police investigation , they said . No dice . I called the FBI agent and asked him to run the full scan on Slater . By the time he had finished I would know every single family member . And all I had to do was interview them . The only clue left to me was Sigma . The company was closed for a few hours , but the managing director wasn 't . Again the FBI came to my rescue . They had the address , and I wasn 't afraid to use it . We walked up the garden path . It wasn 't the most luxurious house that a managing director had ever lived at . But I knocked on the door anyway . I walked in . Behold , the group was all there . The director of the FBI himself . The attorney general . And a four star general . I could feel the back of my assistant straightening up . The Managing Director pressed a button on the TV . It switched on . Nigel Slater 's office . I saw him pick up his glass . Put the chemicals in it . The MD fast forwarded . Nigel killed himself . " Oil . We got him to produce computer models . All the oil reserves . He was so great . . . well , he could produce a program that told us exactly where oil was , just from satellite images . " Just at that moment a dozen armed guards came into the room . Their guns were pointed right at me . I raised my hands , and was soon plunged into the carpet . They searched me . Didn 't find anything interesting . " Yeah . But I don 't think you did it . I don 't think you were that smart . But I don 't know what this being who calls himself Nigel Slater is , " I didn 't struggle . By now , them putting handcuffs on me was almost routine . I just wish I had been able to continue my life as a charlatan . I didn 't know what to say to that . it was true . it was obvious when you think about it . Nigel had told me he was murdered when he was still alive . but no one ever said the soul was bound to the arrow of time . Within a few minutes we had picked up an escort . From what I could tell , they had closed the road down . Only we were travelling that evening . I gulped . It looked like things were just about to head for the worse . The trip to the Whitehouse was the most fraught I had experienced in my life . The director of the FBI was reading faxes and emails in the car . His face was getting more and more pale . " I guess like the English did in WWII . With disinformation . We need to get an Chinese agent and feed him bad info . And I guess Nigel might be your best hope for that . " I guess the FBI director caught on quickly . Because he could go anywhere , Nigel could listen to the Chinese chatter . He could find Chinese agents . Maybe he didn 't know Chinese , but he knew enough to listen in to the English language conversations . It wasn 't a new concept . The CIA had investigated it in the sixties . But they didn 't have a real life ghost , so their experiments failed . This time we had a real ghost . I asked them to pick out the Ouija board again . The séance room was a sight you had never seen in your life . The president and the director of the FBI holding hands , in a dark room . The president of the united states shook his head . You could tell he couldn 't believe what he was seeing . He got up from his seat , and you could almost hear his bones cracking . Over in the corner of the room I could see a computer with satellite images . I could watch the Chinese fleet mobilising in real time . The number of dots that represented aircraft carriers alone was scary . " It will only be a few days before we have to mobilise our own navy . " The wait was excruciating . But suddenly five hours latter , the board started spelling out a name . The FBI director went to work . Within minutes they had the file out . He didn 't look like what you would expect of a Chinese agent . He had long , blonde hair , was dressed in a respectable suit , and had a respectable job . He worked in the old navy base . His job was to work on the files , reading sensitive military information . Including information about resource allocation . Once they checked his bank account the truth became obvious . The FBI director stood up , and paced down the long thin corridor . Then he arrived back in the meeting room with a young woman . She was dressed in military uniform . He explained the plan . It was simple . The Chinese agent needed to think it had all been a hoax . But for that to work , he would have to eat a pack of lies . I wasn 't there , so I can report only what I have been told . The female agent I had been introduced to worked in the old navy headquarters . She worked in the files there . It is a room full of top secret papers . Room might be the wrong word ; it was the size of an aircraft hanger . She worked there , and had spent months being bored . So naturally , she had struck up a conversation with the handsome blonde military attaché . And , the conversation was reciprocated . The director of the FBI looked at her . She didn 't look like much to put the freedom of the world onto . But she was eager . And after being told what to do , she didn 't complain . She saluted . I stood at the back of the room , watching the Director of the FBI feeling out the officer , and knew I would have to talk to Nigel alone . I didn 't trust her . She looked too good to be true with her starched uniform and willing smile . The new agent went into a staff car , to be driven to the headquarters . She looked very lonely in the back of the car . Meanwhile , we walked to the operations room . There was a banks of monitors the length of the room . We could see satellite images of the build up of the Chinese fleet , as well as real time updates of our spies . I nodded . Then looked back over to the screens . I could see our agent depositing the papers in her draw . She phoned up the Chinese agent , and set up dinner . It looked like a glorious feast . Roast duck , with all the trimmings . The doorbell went . She walked over to it , and opened it . She said something , and the Chinese agent walked into the room . After ten minutes of conversation , she walked away . To go to the toilet . He walked over to the draws , and started rummaging . After a few minutes he found the file our agent had left . He took out the smallest camera you have ever seen , and clicked the image . After that , he put the files away . After he left , the confirmation came thick and fast . The Chinese fleet disbanded . It was amazing to see , but they split up within a matter of hours . Soon the sea around Taiwan was empty except for commercial shipping . I guess that if this had been a story that would be it . I would have been given a party , a celebration , and been allowed to leave . After all , I had saved the day . Well , Nigel did leave . I haven 't heard from him since . After they had finished celebrating , a guard collected me , and drove me in a prison van to here . It is a cold concrete cell . I am allowed a TV , and to write carefully vetted letters . I 'm not sure how I will post this , my story . Maybe I will write it under the postage stamp . I guess for an old crook like me , it is fair . But I wish I had been sent to jail for something I did . And not for some trumped up terrorist charge . Currently we only offer payment for one story selected as the feature story in the monthly pdf magazine only . The successful author will be contacted to organise payment via paypal for a $ 5AUD payment . 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The ship swayed and creaked . He feels every bit of it in his body . Taking no chances the crew , damnedable pirates , have chained him with no give . Legs bound in a kneeling position , arms chained to either wall crucifying him to the ship like a perverse figurehead , he 's been their captive long enough to have forgotten the feel of kindness . It is a small blessing that their fear of him keeps his gag in place at all times . It keeps them from coming anywhere near him . The captain learned a long time ago that he gleans all he needs to live from the moisture in the air , the brine in his eyes . During storms , when he is strongest , the captain posts guards with him . They don 't look at him . A terrible hope fills him today . By the movement of the ship and the crew 's curses , he knows that they 're being pursued by another ship . This ship is a runner , fast . There 'd be little concern of capture if the ship did not gain its quickness from being light , gain its lightness from having little room for armaments or supplies . The pursuers have had them going for a week now and they 'd been out of port for at least a month . He knows from the panic in the crew that the food is all but gone . Soon they 'll be too weak to load what small guns are aboard . He 'd be surprised if they could remember how to sight the cannons it 's been so long since the captain has ordered them used . His hope stems from the pirates ' desperation . If they succumb to practicality then they 'll come for him . With frightened hearts and shaking hands , they 'll undo his chains and he 'll get to spend some time under the sky instead of under foot . So he waits for their desperation to bloom practicality . It does not take long . The first mate comes with three guards and the keys . It is always the first mate that comes to get him . The captain coming himself would make him a person that the captain fears , he wouldn 't last long once that got out among the crew . The first mate is the only one he trusts with the keys to his chains . " The captain wants to see you . " He speaks with a unique accent that comes with the ship 's pidgin of French , Spanish , and Greek . His ears hear the gibberish , but his mind provides him with the meaning . Slowly , they unchain his arms from the ship and secure them behind his back . The guards are afraid to touch him , unsure whether he 'll break or they 'll be infected with something . It strikes him as odd how religious some of these men are . Coming onto the deck , sea spray hits him in the face , covers his bare chest . He instantly feels more alive . He stands taller , muscles flex , the chains bite into his skin . They take him to the captain , standing at the aft of the ship . He stands beside the captain looking out at the wide ocean , the only thing marring their perfect view of the horizon the pursuers . The first mate and guards fold themselves into the three other men standing around them . The captain just stands there for a few minutes , ignoring him . This too is done to show the crew he will do this in his own time , to show that the man he keeps below decks does not frighten him . Around the gag , behind the locked mouth plate , he smiles . Only he and the captain know what he is , and he knows that the captain is frightened of that . " I have use of you . " From under his coat he draws out the key that only he is allowed to keep . He inserts into lock for the face plate . " If you hurt this ship my men will stab you and you will die before you can swim for freedom . Like always , yeah ? " He nods . It 's always the same threat . It vaguely occurs to him that this is only a half life . But then , the spirits would kill for half a life . The plate falls away and he spits the wooden wedge from his mouth . His tongue sticks out , tasting the salt in the air . He flexes his jaw , taking in the blue sky , the white clouds , the gentle waves . He smiles at the captain . Other than the crew 's swords there is very little compelling him . Finally , the captain 's annoyance at the delay shows on his face . He focuses on ship on the horizon . He tries not to think of the men on the ship . He knows he will have to answer for his actions one day , but he 's trying to postpone that day for as long as possible . " I 'm fine . Sorry . " The cabby 's eyes dart from the road to the rearview mirror and back . " I 'm good . I 'm okay . " The cabby 's eyes return to the road and stay there , Lawrence was prepared to keep reassuring him for the rest of the drive as long as he didn 't take his eyes off the road . " That jetlag 's a bitch , isn 't it ? " " Yeah , jetlag . " He doesn 't really feel like talking so he looks out the window . What he sees unsettles him so much that he almost closes his eyes again . Outside the cab desert stretched on for miles . When he 'd met the cabby at the airport he 'd been fine . They 'd been in the middle of a city . He preferred the buildings and people to the endless dry expanse . He tried to think of it as a sea of earth but it just made him queasy . He can 't help it , he closes his eyes . " We 're almost there , " the cabby rouses him . " If I 'd of known I wouldn 't have let you sleep at all . You wouldn 't believe how many people fall asleep in my cab from the airport . " The cabby keeps up a steady stream of chitchat for the next few minutes . Lawrence doesn 't say much , but he 's glad for the distraction . " Here we go , buddy . " He pulls up in front of an independent diner . Lawrence can tell the sign was made with care when it was painted , years in the desert sun has faded it badly . " They got good food here ? " " I don 't know . This is my first time here . " He pays the fare and steps out of the air - conditioned interior . His lips are immediately dry and cracked . The heat cuts him to the core as fast as it dried his lips , the urge to speak rises in him . He needs to escape this heat , he 's drowning in dryness . He rushes inside hoping that they 'll have air - conditioning . No such luck . The interior of the restaurant is as faded as the exterior . He seats himself , impatiently tapping his foot waiting for the waitress . He can hear the sound of the wind . Not the dry , lifeless wind of the desert , but the damp , alive wind of the storm . It 's calling to him , begging him to call out . He licks his lips with a tongue he can barely feel . He can 't help himself , the desert is antithesis for him . Why had he decided to come here ? To satisfy some adolescent curiosity ? He takes one long , shuttering breath . " The special , two of them , just bring me a pitcher of water . " His throat feels so dry . He has to speak now before he loses his chance . " Hmph ! " With blurry vision he watches her flounce back to the kitchen . He grabs the edge of the table to steady himself . He 's clenching his jaw by the time she comes back with a glass for him . He swallows half of it . The cool liquid fills him , calming him . Vision clears , hands stop shaking , the urge lessening . The torrent of wind in his ears shifts to a gentle breeze . How close had he come ? The waitress turns to leave again , he grabs her arm . " Can I get you anything else ? " She says it in such a way that makes Lawrence wonder if it 's actually a question . She tired of him he can tell . She 's too used to bullying the locals . He doesn 't trying to be nice to her , he just takes out a fifty and lays it on the table . " This is your tip if you keep bringing me pitchers of water . " Her eyes gleam slightly as she stares at the bill on the table . Slowly she puts the pitcher on the table . " Thank you . " He drains the rest of his glass and pours another . He finishes this one in three huge gulps . He doesn 't feel as trapped now , his breathing has evened out . He fills the glass a third time , finishing off the pitcher , but only sips this one . A couple minutes pass , the waitress brings his two specials and another pitcher . Lawrence only picks at his food . Between the desert and the age of the equipment in the diner the food is completely dry . Mainly he just cuts up the food and moves it around on his plate . Mainly he watches the people in the restaurant . He immediately discounts his waitress . Seeing her move around the diner , speaking with her , she 's spent most of her life trying to get away from this place . It 's a pity that she 'd never really feel like she belongs anywhere . An old man sits in another booth . He is weathered , his countenance telling the story of a life in the desert . Despite the heat of the day he 's drinking coffee . Lawrence would have considered him a likely candidate if his research didn 't tell him he is looking for someone younger . Besides the old man doesn 't look like he belongs here , only that he 's gotten used to living here . It 's an old style diner setup , so Lawrence can see the cook behind the half wall separating the kitchen from the dining area . Cook would be a wonderful job for who he 's looking for . The heat rising from the stove providing a fix for the cravings while at work . Though nothing compared to the natural heat of the desert it would do while at work . Unfortunately the cook is wearing a sleeveless shirt that 's plastered to his body with sweat . Lawrence 's heart falls . He 's not close enough to the cook to pick up a flow from him , but the fact that he 's sweating tells him all he needs to know . It 's possible his sources were wrong . It 's not easy to track a Bearer . The burden / gift they bear making it too hard to get a fix on them . He 's about to get up , throwing the contents of his glass down his throat , when the kitchen door swings open and a young man steps through . Lawrence puts his cup down and watches him . Something in the way he moves is different . Somehow his movements come off as light , almost bouncy . Even just clearing dishes from tables , his movements are quick , precise . He wears a t - shirt , jeans , and boots , all are cheap , but he still has an air of status . Lawrence notes that he 's not sweating . He looks up , checking for more stray dishes . Lawrence motions him over . " You finished with this , mister ? " Lawrence inhales and catches the scent of aged stone . " Sorry , mister , I 'm just here for the dishes . You 'll want to try Craiper St . around ten tonight . " He grabs a plate , Lawrence grabs his wrist . Sun … Heat … Dry … Sand … Lawrence pulls his hand away , palm red . Perspiration stands out on the young man 's brow now , fear in his eyes . He slides into the booth across from Lawrence . Lawrence pours another glass of water and waits for the boy to say something . " I 'm on break ! " She throws up her hands and goes back into the kitchen . Tito smiles at Lawrence . " Let 's go outside . " Lawrence downs his water and follows him out and around the diner . " I 'm Benjamin Fuller , but everyone calls me , Tito . Now who the hell are you ? " It 's a fair question . If he doesn 't know what he is then he 's probably really freaked out . Lawrence can 't blame him , he 's been there . " Ha , not likely , man . " Tito looks skeptical , very skeptical . There 's at least fifteen years between them . And while Tito isn 't a full blooded Mexican , Lawrence can tell at least one of his parents is , while Lawrence couldn 't be more white without being an albino . It 's hard to believe . " I don 't mean biologically . I mean spiritually . " Tito 's face is instantly serious . " You can feel it , can 't you ? That subtle , tickling at the back of your brain that makes you feel like you know me , even while at your core I unsettle you . " " Yes . " Tito looks so relieved that it breaks Lawrence 's heart . He knows what it 's like to finally have this explained . Lawrence had spent three years in a mental hospital trying to deal by himself . Tito is a strong young man . " Where is there open desert ? " Tito points down an alley . Lawrence starts walking , Tito doesn 't need to be told to follow , he falls into step next to Lawrence careful not to touch him . They come out the other end of the alley seeing open land . For Lawrence it 's as close to nothing as he ever wants to get . Longing fills Tito 's eyes . " I want to share something with you . Watch out there . " Lawrence takes a deep breath and centers himself . The urge to speak has been growing since they stepped out of the diner , the dryness creeping in to all his dark places . Tito 's hands fly up to cover his ears . " Ah ! What the hell ? " FLASH ! BOOM ! The thunder cuts off any further curses . Tito 's gaze is drawn out to the desert , where black storm clouds have formed out of nowhere . The fear is back in his eyes , he retreats till his back hits the wall to the building . " What have you done ? " " I spoke my Word . We 're Word Bearers , Tito . You have your own . Can you feel it ? Deep in core . " Lawrence can see he 's confused . He 's frightened , overwhelmed . FLASHBOOM ! " You can stop this , Tito . Go ahead . Say your Word . I want to hear it . " " I don 't … I 'm not sure . " Confusion and fear war on Tito 's face . Lawrence hopes he won 't run . He didn 't mean to scare the boy . " Of course you 're sure . You 've known it for centuries , you just haven 't spoken it yet . It 's okay . I 'm here with you . " His first step is hesitant , his second is firm , his third is confident . Lawrence realizes he 's holding his breath . Tito looks up at him , he nods . Tito fixes his gaze on the storm . " " There it is . It 's as quiet as Lawrence 's Word is loud , but no less powerful . It 's so beautiful . As Lawrence watches the storm clouds dissipate a tear rolls down his cheek . 2 Dad suffered even from a sight of blood , and he never killed a hen nor slaughtered a pig . But I was aware that once he had donated his blood in the name of my Mum still , because she 'd had a narrow escape on an operating table then . With me a doctor would have my blood tested in a moment : one , two and it 's done . But first they make you ready for rather a time : take a seat , then have a proper finger chosen , though it is always just the one , then they wipe it with spirits until take somewhat sharp like a mini - scalpel . Not everyone can stand the procedure , but I was not against it when a doctor suggested me having my blood tested . She was a likable one , youngish for her age , not married or divorced , probably . And she had no child , I felt it immediately , she had such a look , barren if you want . Possibly for health reasons she could not bear a child or she didn 't find a right man . Or she could have a particular blood group not to have a child with anyone , that 's why she employed at a doctor 's consulting room to make blood tests . And she urged me to have my blood tested . At first I didn 't mind it , the right thing it is , still she didn 't ask my permission . " Just let 's have your blood tested " , she said and left me . She had many things to do I suppose . In doctor 's smocks they walked hither and thither all the time at a clinic there talking over the heads of those waiting , as if one was dead already . And I was still alive and a nurse was preparing to have my blood tested . While she got me ready she was chattering . She said that men were afraid of blood testing nowadays . More and more they refused to do it and ran away sometimes seeing a drop of blood . And one had nothing to fear , there was a couch behind the curtain in a special emergency to lie low , in case one fainted . She pulled the white curtain aside and showed me a couch with dark green leatherette and I shivered all at once : what for they needed my blood ? She suggested me taking off a jacket and rolling up my sleeve , left or right one , I don 't rMy Bio : Mr . Valery Petrovskiy is a journalist and short story writer from Russia . Не is an English Department graduate at Chuvash State University , Cheboksary , graduated in journalism at VKSch Higher School , Moscow and in psychology at Kazan State Technology University . He has been writing prose since 2005 . Some of his writing has been published in The Scrambler , Rusty Typer , BRICKrethoric , NAP Magazine , Literary Burlesque , The Other Room , Curbside Quotidian , DANSE MACABRE , WidowMoon Press , PRIME MINCER , Apocrypha and Abstractions , The Legendary in the USA , and in Australian " Skive " and " Going Down Swinging " magazines . At the moment he is writer - in - residence at Marco Polo Art Mag . It 's dark in here . That 's because I live at the bottom of the jewellery box along with the other outcasts : the tangled necklace with the broken lobster claw and teddy pendant she got for her eleventh birthday , along with the bracelet that 's missing a couple of gem stones . She always says she will have them repaired but never does , preferring to spend the money on more fashionable pieces instead that imitate Asian and Oriental designs . An untrained eye might imagine that they were found by a back - packer on their travels , but they weren 't . They can be bought from any shop on the high - street , and are merely echoes of worlds she 's never seen . Not all of us down here are broken though . I 'm not , and neither is the engagement ring she got from Mark , ( who eventually cheated on her with Shannon from Reception , ) or the belly bar she took out when she put weight on and decided looked too young for her anyway . The ones at the top who get worn more often pity us , ( ' how boring it must be , ' they say to each other in whispers they think we can 't hear , ' being cooped up down there , month in , month out , ' ) but in a way they 're jealous . As I 've said , you could buy them in their hundreds if you wanted to , and they are without sentimental value like the childhood necklace or the belly bar that reminds her of her wild teens and early twenties . They 're easily replaced and she gives them away when they become outdated - or chucks them if even her younger sister and the charity shops say no , thanks . She doesn 't like Mark 's ring or me , so it isn 't often that her fingers dig through the chunky bangles and strings of beads to bring me to the surface . It happens maybe three or four times a year when she has arranged to visit The Matriarch . The ring doesn 't even get a look in . Why Mark wouldn 't let her give it back to him so that he could give it to someone he did love is beyond us ; at least that way it would have been enjoyed . All the same , seeing as I 'm an heirloom and the ring is eighteen carat white goPerhaps you imagine I get bitter when the voices of the favoured ones float above my head , chattering away about their ventures out of the box : days at work , dinners , dates , parties and who was there , who wasn 't there , what she wore … you get the drift . Or worse , maybe you feel sorry for me . I 'd rather you didn 't . Pity the rest but not me . I 'm not so keen on their weight pressing down on me but I don 't mind the dark . In fact I quite like it . It reminds me of home , my real one , from before I met people . As for being bitter , you can rule that out . I 'm a pearl , darling ; it 's not in my nature . You lot have seen me as a symbol of love for thousands of years and I do try to live up to my name by being kind - although I cannot help but wince sometimes at the irony , given that the first person I ever met died . Don 't look at me like that ; it wasn 't my fault . But that 's why she doesn 't like me . All the same , when you 've being kept in a family for over a century you do take an interest in your present owner , even if it 's not reciprocated , so I enjoy listening to the young ones ' gossip . Let them have their fun while they still can . The best they can hope for is a place in a child 's dressing - up box in just a few , short years so they might as well enjoy it . 2 . Memories . I might be old - fashioned and be from a past that she and you would rather forget , but I 'm not like your kind . I will endure and outlive the others , her - even you . And I never forget . My memory doesn 't grow weak with age , it gets stronger . I can still smell what my home was like ; still feel the movements of the person who found me when he panicked and rushed too quickly to the top , and the urgent , grasping hand of the first , but different person to ever touch me , as though I 'd only stopped smelling and feeling them a minute ago . The memories of my owners and the events in their lives play like the films you are so fond of ; the moment when her grandfather proposed to her grandmother , and the christening of her mother , they are a3 . Before she grew up . I suppose you think it strange that her grandmother , ( or The Matriarch as she jokingly calls her , ) skipped a generation and gave me to someone who doesn 't like me , but it never used to be this way . When she was little and used to visit her grandmother she would ask , ( very politely after giving her a peck on the cheek , ) if she could play with her jewellery box . The answer was always yes , and she would very carefully hunt through the diamonds and gold to find me , pin me to her jumper and wear me for the rest of the time she was there . It became something of a ritual , to the point where her grandmother began to pick me out herself and would put me on the coffee table ready for when she arrived . When she was eighteen , The Matriarch had a heart attack , and fearing that she would never leave hospital , insisted on the girl 's mother driving for two hours to get me , so that she could give me to her personally before it was too late . They were very close , and still are in spite of the distance , for she survived against all the odds . Whenever she goes to see her she always comments on how lovely it is , seeing her granddaughter all grown up , wearing her old brooch that 's always been her favourite . And I was for a time . Traditionally I was only worn for a special or significant occasion , but when she was at college I had the strange but enjoyable experience of being put in her pocket and going with her , and if she felt nervous about something her fingers would slide down to stroke me . Normally I hated people manhandling me , but I didn 't mind in her case - it was better than her biting her nails . It was almost as if she thought that having me with her would stop something bad happening - and I have been viewed as ' lucky . ' Stop sniggering , it 's true . In the days of knights and sword - fighting , we would be worn when the rich and noble went into battle because they thought we would protect them from harm , so don 't laugh at her . It felt good , being wanted , and I have to confess I came in danger You don 't like being reminded of your past - those days of glory when Britain ruled half the world . I think that 's why you apologise so much , and give more than you can afford to charities trying to save the poor and starving around the globe . It 's almost as though you 're trying to make up for all the wrongs done before you were born . And I 've tried to avoid talking about it in case you ran away - I get lonely sometimes and it 's nice having someone to talk to . But you can 't run forever , things have to be faced eventually . Some of you may already know and may already be trying to shut out the sound of my words by turning your thoughts to the plans you 've made for the weekend , but there 'll be a lot of you who don 't . There are lots of happy anecdotes from my owners ' lives I could have told you but this is the one you need to hear : My story . We are not like your kind , but there is one thing we have in common : just as you can 't remember coming out of the womb , we don 't know what it was like being a grain of sand or piece of shell squeezing our way inside an oyster and hardening ; all I remember is being . There were no thoughts , for when you live inside a shell there isn 't a great deal to think about - nothing happens . That probably sounds dull to you but there was no sadness , no pain or death . It was peaceful , just being . I didn 't know this at the time but even nothing has to come to an end eventually : the day would always have come when I would be found . It will be hard for you to understand what it was like being taken out of water , hearing sounds , seeing colours and light - all for the first time . On paper it sounds great , this explosion of life , but the reality was frightening - and even fear was something I had never heard of or felt before . Maybe that 's why your newborns usually cry when they come out , because they 're scared and want to go back . I 'm trying to think of ways to describe how it was to you , and the only way I can think of is for you to imagine an ancient Egyptian being placed in the middle of a supermarket . That might give you a better idea , but even that doesn 't come close . I 've learnt a lot since then - ( I 've had to , I didn 't have any other choice - ) but there 's one thing I 've never been able to get my head around , and that is time . Your lives are ruled by clocks and diaries telling you when deadlines or birthdays are due , but when you have so much time whole years , even decades can pass you by . Forgive me then , if I am a little hazy on dates . What I can tell you is that I was brought to the surface in the late 1800s , which makes me special . There aren 't many of us that come from nature now . Most are made by man in bulk on farms . Things changed . You suddenly became concerned about human life and diving equipment got better . Both meant that the world 's poor no were no longer forced to hold their breaths for comments » I knew that someone important was going to walk into my life at 12 : 15 , just after I normally drink tea and prepare for an slow day working on the horoscope . Now , maybe you might not believe me . After all , I am a professional charlatan . But I knew something was up , because for the last two weeks every prediction I have made actually worked out . It started when I saw Mrs Henderson . She was a fat woman , an unpleasant woman , a great client . Like most people who wanted a reading , she didn 't want the truth . And normally I didn 't give it to her . I pulled out the equipment . It was a plain set . It looked like bone china , but was made in china for a very low price . Mrs Henderson looked impressed anyway . She had a lot of money , and not a lot of sense . Anyway , I started reading the information contained in the tea leafs . And then the world went blank . When I returned to the world , Mrs Henderson was gone . I walked out of the shop I had rented , and another of the shopkeepers came up to me . He was normally an quiet , amicable chap . This time he looked like he wanted to throttle me . " She came out of here . Howling and crying , like you 'd tried to kill her . " he put his face up to mine , " You ever do it again and I 'll . . " " I don 't know what you 're talking about , " and I backed away from him . He stalked off . I walked back to my shop , ready to wait for my next appointment . Mrs Abbot didn 't come . She left a nervous message on my answer phone . At the time I didn 't realise why . Because I had no other clients for the day , I went home . My mouth opened wide . It was such a shock , it seemed like I 'd just been told I was about to die . And then . Then I was in my bed , looking at the ceiling . The police officers had gone . But it felt more real than a dream . It must have been a dream . Yeah , that was what it was , I convinced myself . Although I should have known better . In Ireland you can make a full time living as a psychic . less so in England . The English wouldn 't even pay you if you could predict the lottery . So I also work as a pitchman . Which , if you think about it , is just another way to make a dishonest buck . I walked to the nearest boot sale , and set up . It isn 't too crowded in the morning . And everyone is busy . So I crawl in through the hedge . They don 't know that I 'm there against the rules . I set up . My table is old fashioned . A suitcase with legs you fold out . Like the true pitchmen of the 50 's . My pitch is the worm . They wiggle around my hand , like they are alive . The fools in the crowd gave me money . That is what they are for . She had the longest blondest hair this side of fairyland , and her smile lights up the room like a flashlight . And I knew I am meant to talk to her . Just now . She walked off . I had the sense she is in trouble . She was poorer than she used to be , her clothes were expensive , but last years fashion . I had a feeling I will meet her again . When I got there , there was Mrs Henderson and her husband . Their eyes were red . They had been crying . I couldn 't understand what they were there for . I managed to get them to leave . At first I thought that the gossip would help me . But the truth is , no one wants to go to a psychic that tells them the truth . Life is hard enough . You go to a psychic to hear lies . I made some money as a pitchman , so it didn 't affect me too much . But I kept on having bad dreams . I kept on seeing people I knew in them . Not just that , I saw how they died . Their pain . And I started to write down what I saw . In a book by my bedside cabinet . The extra time I had meant I was drinking more too . It was like I 'd been cursed . But the worst was the Christians . They decided that these dreams were inspired by Satan . They set up the picket line in front of my office . I started to think I should simply leave . On Wednesday , the cleaner came in . She was a nosy parker . And no mistake . Her husband had died a few years back , and she was interested in everything . While it 's not the way she put it , she was very interested in the diary . All the details of the different murders and deaths I 'd seen . All the factual details that no one else other than the murderer could know . She took it to the police , and they read it , and they got their warrant . I arrived back at the normal time , and nothing was different . The book was there . I didn 't notice the surveillance cameras . Not at all . They broke in that night . It wasn 't a dream . And I looked up to them bleary eyed , a gun pointing in my face , and swore . They dragged me towards the back of the car , and I noticed someone had decided to give the press warning . So it was very public . Once in , they took me right there . And kitted me out in fetching jail clothing , since I was still in pyjamas . This was the first time I was in jail , and I can tell you it is not as bad as some people say . There is an odd vinegar smell , hiding other bodily fluids . And it is never quiet . There is always shouting going on , and doors slammed . But it was no worse than some hotels I 've been in while performing . I looked across at my lawyer . Short , thin , balding and bored . The police officer had my diary in front of him . He picked it up . " In it , you 've got the details of dozens of murders . Information the police hasn 't released to the public . Information . . . dare I say it , in some cases that the police didn 't even know themselves . " And that was it . That was the full content of the interview . I was hustled off into the cell , and ended up waiting for days . In telephone conversations with friends , I knew the police were digging up my life . I was given a notebook , and a pen , and I continued to write down my dreams . I thought I might as well . The police would search my cell every now and again , and confiscate them . They even moved me to solitary . Made sure no one could be feeding me this information . Or , presumably , that I wasn 't ordering the killings . But the dreams continued . They were getting worse and worse . Every morning I woke up feeling like I had not slept . I guess at least things looked up , because they took me from prison . They drove me along country lanes , towards a building . I can 't tell you precisely where it was . It just looked like an old school to be honest . You 'd never have guessed it was an intelligence headquarters . They bundled me out into an empty building . You 've heard of the secret prisons . Well , they are true . They dressed me up in a uniform , tagged my ankle , and locked me in a cage . The only thing they gave me was some paper and a pen to write down my dreams . Sometimes people came to research me . They put me in scanners , and gave me all kinds of medical tests . The results were unsurprising . I was just a normal , healthy individual . And that was how it seemed I was destined to live for the rest of my life . Until I started to hear the voices . They were low . Just like someone was talking in the next room . Distant . And I couldn 't make them out . That night I was tossing and turning , and I heard someone shout out my name . I woke up . No one was there . Then I tried to get asleep again , and managed it . But the voice was insistent . Nothing answered me . The guards walked past my cell . But with the dreams and the voices , I was getting no sleep . It started to affect me so badly I would not even eat food . Within a few days I was exhausted . Mentally and physically drained . And I guess that is what the creatures wanted . Because soon they broke through . It 's hard to tell you how it felt . But if you have ever had a moment of shock , when you suddenly feel like you aren 't there , you 'll know . He said his name . And then the voice faded away . But I knew I had to do precisely what he told me . I 'd go mad otherwise . Maybe I was already mad . The opportunity came sooner than I expected . My handlers were getting anxious . I was producing less predictions than normal , and the federal conviction rate was plummeting through the floor . The handlers looked like model citizens . Dark suits , a man and a woman dressed formally , like they were lawyers . They flashed their badge to me . I don 't know why , the fact I was in a prison gave them away . The police officer fell back . You could see him working it through in his mind . Despite the success of my predictions , he settled on the conclusion I was mad . After all , psychic phenomena were impossible . He 'd read that once . I shook my head . But that night , I was thinking about it , and decided that I had to ask . Had to have a conversation , if only for my sanity . When the voices started up , I leaned forward in my bed . I asked the question again . But he would say nothing of use to me . he would only repeatedly ask me to find his killers . Not very useful . Eventually , I managed to coax his name from him . Nigel . Not a very good name for a joke . That was the strange thing . No murder victims of that name came up . Not any time soon . But a week later , a Nigel disappeared . And I realised the truth . I looked through the court reports . He had been killed by stabbing . They wouldn 't let me out of the jail . So all I could do was read the files they brought on him . And I got the feeling that many of the details had been redacted . it was like looking for a haystack in an elephant : messy and not very satisfactory . There were only two people I decided who could have done it . They both had a great deal to gain . At the end of the day , though , there is a limit to what you can do from inside a jail cell . The guards looked sceptically at me when I asked for it . But I was responsible for half the murder arrests in the district for the last six months . So they eventually gave me what I wanted . Especially when I refused to furnish them with any more information . I don 't know if you have ever been to a proper séance . Well , to be honest , most of the time the knocks are from the medium . But this time it was different . Within moments of the séance starting , I was aware that the room was colder . Then the entire board lifted off the table , and flew towards me . It hit the wall a few inches from my face . The room warmed up again . The presence was gone . For a little while . " I didn 't " I replied . I knew that he didn 't believe me . But he would have to show more senior people . And I knew they couldn 't afford to risk me . I went back to bed . For the first time in weeks , I had no bad dreams . I guess Nigel knew I understood his message . I slept very soundly . Until the next morning . But my guards didn 't really understand . Or they did not want to understand . My handler met me in the interview room the next morning . He looked tired . Besides him sat a man I hadn 't seen before . He wore the cleanest , most expensive suit I had seen during my stay at the states pleasure . The man stood up . He walked out of the room . Measured , and without menace . But he didn 't seem to be a man used to dealing with no . My handler shook his head . He didn 't need to tell me the consequences . All of a sudden , I was put on suicide watch . Woken up every thirty minutes to see if I wasn 't dead yet . The heating in my cell surprisingly broke . I knew I was in their hands totally . But I never realised what it was like to displease them . You see , Nigel might be a ghost , but that doesn 't mean he is stupid . He can see what is happening . He knows they are stopping me doing what he wants . And this gets him angry . They first times he acted , it looked like coincidence . The guards chair would tilt under him , depositing him on the floor . Or cups of coffee were not placed firmly enough on the table . The guards were spooked by me . They knew that I was able to see things they could not . But although the guards face became pale , his hand on the trigger was steady and firm . It was too late . The chair slammed into the guard . He dropped to the floor . Then I saw the guards keys float from his pocket . My cell door was unlocked . I walked over to the guard , stripped his clothes off , and changed into his uniform . I thought I didn 't have much of a choice . If I didn 't do what Nigel wanted he would kill me . Every door I came to slid open without me doing anything . It would have been creepy if I didn 't know what was happening . Soon the alarms started to ring out . People would be grabbing their guns , getting ready to shoot me . I could feel my heart trying to escape from my chest . I soon arrived at fire exit . It opened in front of me . I climbed down some steps . Below me , I could see coppers swarming . I continued to walk down . One of the coppers recognised me . I ran in the opposite direction . He took aim , and I could hear the gun explode behind me . But the bullet didn 't pierce my skin like I expected . Instead , it ended in the ground . I reached a police car , and the engine came on without anyone doing anything . Then I went into a store and bought black trousers and a white shirt . Got changed . And walked out of the shopping centre , expecting to be caught at any time . In my pocket there was five hundred dollars . That was all I had in the world , except for an insane ghost . I decided it was time to go to the library . After chatting to the librarian for a few seconds , she walked me over to a computer which had copies of the local papers for the last twenty years . I typed a search . At first I found nothing , but as I expanded the search back I found him . According to the interview , he was found murdered in his bed . He had been asleep . His wife had been charged and convicted of his murder . But she said she was innocent . Nothing came in response . I knew that would happen . It was too much to hope for . It was getting late at night . The librarian was fussing near me . It was time to go . When you are a fugitive , it isn 't as simple to find a place to stay as booking a room in a hotel . I walked round , looking for an empty house . It took me an hour . Occasionally a police car would go past . It made me nervous . At one time it would have been a posh bungalow . But whoever had owned it had been taken to a care home , and it was covered in weeds and neglect . I walked up to the door , and it swings open . That is one of the advantages of your own private poltergeist . Inside it was a mess . But dry and water proof . There was a wood burning stove in one room . The power was off , and Nigel didn 't turn it on . But the water was only off at the mains . It was easy enough to get it working again . In the morning I would have to start the process of searching for Nigel Slater . I knew roughly where he lived . I fell asleep , and woke up hungry and cramped . Outside , I could hear rustling . I peeked through the window , and could see a man dressed only in black . He looked like he was not very friendly . I ducked down , but he must have seen me . He edged towards the door . It was locked , but he slammed it open . I hid behind the sofa . it didn 't help . He walked towards me . I noticed he had a poker in his hand . There was no way he wouldn 't find me . I stood up . I looked over at him . He had a long scar down his face . it seemed like he was used to trouble . And he was straining to start a fight . I did what he said . He followed me . I thought he might hit me at any second . or recognise me . They must have put my picture out into the news by now . I sighed with relief , but knew that my location might be passed onto the police . I decided it was time to get out of the town . I caught a bus , and tried to hide my face . Since I hadn 't had a bath for a few days it was easier than you might think . People did not want to look me in the eyes . I arrived at Nigel 's house six hours latter . It was a solemn house . A plane front garden laid to grass , brick frontage , and white windows . It didn 't look like anyone had ever cared for it . It looked like it was a place to sleep and not to stay . It took me a few minutes to settle down , and watch the street . There was nothing extraordinary about it . A few people walked past , taking little interest in the stranger . After watching for half an hour , I knew there was little information here for me . Talking round the local shops I found out that Nigel had been a quiet man . Few people knew him , past his saying hello . he didn 't seem to have been involved in anything wrong . or indeed in anything at all . I decided that there could only really have been one source of trouble . He must have found out something at work . Something that made him worth more to someone dead than alive . I got some annual reports from his company and studied them . Amazing what is available on the internet these days . There was little of interest . I applied to work at Nigel 's company as a cleaner . it was a big risk . I supplied false references , and knew they would not check them for months . That 's the thing about cleaners . No one takes any notice . So I got the job , and examined the work place thoroughly . It looked like an office . The computers were always on . Once or twice I looked over the shoulder of someone working but it was all gobbledygook to me . To make it worse , I saw my face on the newspaper when I went for food . Sure , I looked a lot different now . I had grown longer hair , a beard , and was thinner . But it was still me . I grew suspicious of other people . Then came my big break . Several people were working in the office late . I overhead them speaking about a billion dollar deal . The company was getting bought out . I checked the internet , and there was something in the trade section . The routine was the same every day . But one of my colleagues had not turned up to work . So I was asked to clean the main office . I did so . But I did more than that , I broke into the file cabinets , and started reading company secrets . But that didn 't save me for long . The next day I arrived at work a few minutes earlier . Something told me that things were wrong . The security guard on the gate was new . He told me to go out to the bosses office . I walked into a small lab , and looked around . There was a window , and I tried to open it . In the distance I could see five police cars . The window wouldn 't open . There was only one way out . And I knew that by now , there would be police officers between me and the door . I looked round to find a chair . Then used it to break the window . The alarm went , and I slid through the empty hole . But I caught my shoulder on a shard of glass . I was bleeding . The police gave up their pretence . Dozens of sirens started up , heading towards the building . I ran through a green space . I knew that there was only one way out of the compound except the front gate . A hole in the fence I had noticed a few days earlier . But over head their was a helicopter . Although I ran like the wind , it wasn 't enough . I could hear the police men getting closer and closer . I turned around and saw two police officers . They both had guns pointed at me . I raised my hands , and they soon had me on the ground . I arrived at my destination a few hours latter . This time they were taking no chances . I arrived at a super maximum prison . Surrounded by barbed wire , dogs , and armed police officers it was obvious I 'd never get out . The next day the interrogation began . Again and Again . Asking me where I had gone . What I had done . I eventually broke down and told them everything . But that didn 't stop them continuing . Maybe what they were doing was no crime . But it was a form of torture . Eventually , the interrogations stopped . They gave me paper . They wanted to go back to how it used to be . But by that time I had got so angry , even when I did have a dream I kept it to myself . I wasn 't there . So all I can do is repeat the report that was made to me . No guarantee it is what happened . Apparently the director of the FBI had been having an extramarital affair . He was in bed that normal , and engaging in exercise at the same time . This was not expected , but what was even more unexpected was the windows opening wide . And the explosions of a gun . The director of the FBI 's gun . But I do know that it made the national news . The assistant director of the FBI resigned . And , to be frank , most of the people in the FBI did not care much about that . But it was fair warning . He didn 't seem to be exactly happy about what had happened . In fact , he stormed in to the visiting room , and let loose a barrage of swear words . I sat there passively , listening to him . When he calmed down sufficiently , he sat down . " Nigel was right . All he wants is his murderer found . But he isn 't going to stop . Not until that is done . Not even if he has to kill someone else to do it . " " No . I am not . Nigel is a threat to you . If you stand in the way , that is . He is a ghost . What can you do to get rid of him ? " The director of the FBI thought for a few seconds . An hour latter , a priest turned up with bell , book and candle . it didn 't work spectacularly . The power went off , the candle blew out , the bell rang , and the book was thrown across the room . The director gestured to the mirror and two toughs walked in . They carried some rope . They tied me to the chair , and lifted a cosh over their heads . Then all hell broke lose . The cosh swung back by itself . it raised into the air , and came down , laying out one of the thugs . The other caught me a glancing blow , but something unseen lifted him from the floor and threw him against the wall . " You have a choice . Director . Help find Nigel 's killer . Or , I think , Nigel will chase you down and gut you like a fish . " Eventually the Director settled down again . He sat in his chair , silently looking at me . I wasn 't a pretty picture . Thin , and in prison coveralls . I must have looked like a real criminal . They let me go that afternoon . Put me in a suit , and told me I was seconded to the FBI . I was even given my own agent . He was tall , thin , and looked every inch the government man . The agent shook his head . He gave nothing away . That was when I knew he wasn 't sent to help me . Just to keep an eye out on me . Nevertheless , I decided that I could use him . Like he wanted to use me . I looked over to him , and told him to get a warrant . We were going to search Nigel 's company . And read every damn bit of paper they had about Sigma . When we arrived at the door , they had their lawyer sorted out already . Someone must have leaked it . He looked like he had cost a lot of money . " I 'm afraid we have the right not to incriminate ourselves . We are asserting that right . Both as a company , and as individuals . So , no , you can ask any questions but we will not answer them . " I was surprised when I found the clue . It was something no one else would have noticed . A single envelope in the bin . It contained an address . I think Nigel must have been helping me . I was drawn to it . But the thing I noticed was the fact the address had a Sigma stamp . Once we were out of the building , I decided to break away from the FBI agent . I knew some things would work better on my own . it was easier said than done . When I tried to go for a walk that night , he insisted on staying right by me . Getting to the address was difficult . I didn 't have a car , I had to take the bus . Most of the journey there wasn 't even that . And it had began to rain . I must have looked odd , walking around town that late at night , soaked . In fact , I surprised no copper stopped me . " Good enough , " I said . Knowing I was lying as I said it . It wasn 't like it was my strong point . The expression on the coppers face showed he thought not either . He stood there behind me his mouth opened , as I shimmied the lock . it opened . I walked in . This was a mistake , I didn 't notice the small CCTV camera , the camera that was hidden in a plug socket . But it was sending my picture right up to the security office . I worked quickly , going up the stairs to the office . I don 't know what I had expected to see . But what I did see looked just like any other office . Even down to the half drunk cup of coffee . I woke up in the boot of a car . I could feel the engine running , and smell burning petrol . It was pick black . The car started off , bumping along the ground . Hitting me from side to side . My hands were tied behind my back . It was lucky I knew a little magic . I got the knot loose without much effort . Then I grovelled around the car to find something , anything that could help me . There was a wrench , which I picked up . I put the rope around my wrists , hiding the fact I was loose . And put the wrench in my pocket . The boot of the car swung open . One of the security guards lifted me out of the boot . He was covered in muscle . My mouth opened wide . That was the last thing I expected to hear . They marched me along the ground and I saw him for the first time . Nigel . Alive . Then the room went strange . Something turned the lights off , and opened the windows . It even raised a chair off the ground . The security guard looked worried for the first time . " For the last month , I have been searching for the person who killed Nigel Slater . You , sir , are Nigel Slater . But it seems your ghost hasn 't got the information you are alive . " But it didn 't work . By the time that the ambulance arrived , Nigel was in a deep coma . It took only a short time after that until the first homicide detective got there . But the truth is , it was fate . No ones fault . Except the murderer . After all , how can Nigel Slater 's ghost come into my dreams unless he is actually killed ? What happened next surprised me . The cops arrested me . Told me I was being held on suspicion of murder . I told them not to be idiots , but they wrote it in their notebooks and not their minds . By that point the clues would be getting stale , so I drove right to the company . But they wouldn 't let me in . it was a police investigation , they said . No dice . I called the FBI agent and asked him to run the full scan on Slater . By the time he had finished I would know every single family member . And all I had to do was interview them . The only clue left to me was Sigma . The company was closed for a few hours , but the managing director wasn 't . Again the FBI came to my rescue . They had the address , and I wasn 't afraid to use it . We walked up the garden path . It wasn 't the most luxurious house that a managing director had ever lived at . But I knocked on the door anyway . I walked in . Behold , the group was all there . The director of the FBI himself . The attorney general . And a four star general . I could feel the back of my assistant straightening up . The Managing Director pressed a button on the TV . It switched on . Nigel Slater 's office . I saw him pick up his glass . Put the chemicals in it . The MD fast forwarded . Nigel killed himself . " Oil . We got him to produce computer models . All the oil reserves . He was so great . . . well , he could produce a program that told us exactly where oil was , just from satellite images . " Just at that moment a dozen armed guards came into the room . Their guns were pointed right at me . I raised my hands , and was soon plunged into the carpet . They searched me . Didn 't find anything interesting . " Yeah . But I don 't think you did it . I don 't think you were that smart . But I don 't know what this being who calls himself Nigel Slater is , " I didn 't struggle . By now , them putting handcuffs on me was almost routine . I just wish I had been able to continue my life as a charlatan . I didn 't know what to say to that . it was true . it was obvious when you think about it . Nigel had told me he was murdered when he was still alive . but no one ever said the soul was bound to the arrow of time . Within a few minutes we had picked up an escort . From what I could tell , they had closed the road down . Only we were travelling that evening . I gulped . It looked like things were just about to head for the worse . The trip to the Whitehouse was the most fraught I had experienced in my life . The director of the FBI was reading faxes and emails in the car . His face was getting more and more pale . " I guess like the English did in WWII . With disinformation . We need to get an Chinese agent and feed him bad info . And I guess Nigel might be your best hope for that . " I guess the FBI director caught on quickly . Because he could go anywhere , Nigel could listen to the Chinese chatter . He could find Chinese agents . Maybe he didn 't know Chinese , but he knew enough to listen in to the English language conversations . It wasn 't a new concept . The CIA had investigated it in the sixties . But they didn 't have a real life ghost , so their experiments failed . This time we had a real ghost . I asked them to pick out the Ouija board again . The séance room was a sight you had never seen in your life . The president and the director of the FBI holding hands , in a dark room . The president of the united states shook his head . You could tell he couldn 't believe what he was seeing . He got up from his seat , and you could almost hear his bones cracking . Over in the corner of the room I could see a computer with satellite images . I could watch the Chinese fleet mobilising in real time . The number of dots that represented aircraft carriers alone was scary . " It will only be a few days before we have to mobilise our own navy . " The wait was excruciating . But suddenly five hours latter , the board started spelling out a name . The FBI director went to work . Within minutes they had the file out . He didn 't look like what you would expect of a Chinese agent . He had long , blonde hair , was dressed in a respectable suit , and had a respectable job . He worked in the old navy base . His job was to work on the files , reading sensitive military information . Including information about resource allocation . Once they checked his bank account the truth became obvious . The FBI director stood up , and paced down the long thin corridor . Then he arrived back in the meeting room with a young woman . She was dressed in military uniform . He explained the plan . It was simple . The Chinese agent needed to think it had all been a hoax . But for that to work , he would have to eat a pack of lies . I wasn 't there , so I can report only what I have been told . The female agent I had been introduced to worked in the old navy headquarters . She worked in the files there . It is a room full of top secret papers . Room might be the wrong word ; it was the size of an aircraft hanger . She worked there , and had spent months being bored . So naturally , she had struck up a conversation with the handsome blonde military attaché . And , the conversation was reciprocated . The director of the FBI looked at her . She didn 't look like much to put the freedom of the world onto . But she was eager . And after being told what to do , she didn 't complain . She saluted . I stood at the back of the room , watching the Director of the FBI feeling out the officer , and knew I would have to talk to Nigel alone . I didn 't trust her . She looked too good to be true with her starched uniform and willing smile . The new agent went into a staff car , to be driven to the headquarters . She looked very lonely in the back of the car . Meanwhile , we walked to the operations room . There was a banks of monitors the length of the room . We could see satellite images of the build up of the Chinese fleet , as well as real time updates of our spies . I nodded . Then looked back over to the screens . I could see our agent depositing the papers in her draw . She phoned up the Chinese agent , and set up dinner . It looked like a glorious feast . Roast duck , with all the trimmings . The doorbell went . She walked over to it , and opened it . She said something , and the Chinese agent walked into the room . After ten minutes of conversation , she walked away . To go to the toilet . He walked over to the draws , and started rummaging . After a few minutes he found the file our agent had left . He took out the smallest camera you have ever seen , and clicked the image . After that , he put the files away . After he left , the confirmation came thick and fast . The Chinese fleet disbanded . It was amazing to see , but they split up within a matter of hours . Soon the sea around Taiwan was empty except for commercial shipping . I guess that if this had been a story that would be it . I would have been given a party , a celebration , and been allowed to leave . After all , I had saved the day . Well , Nigel did leave . I haven 't heard from him since . After they had finished celebrating , a guard collected me , and drove me in a prison van to here . It is a cold concrete cell . I am allowed a TV , and to write carefully vetted letters . I 'm not sure how I will post this , my story . Maybe I will write it under the postage stamp . I guess for an old crook like me , it is fair . But I wish I had been sent to jail for something I did . And not for some trumped up terrorist charge . Currently we only offer payment for one story selected as the feature story in the monthly pdf magazine only . The successful author will be contacted to organise payment via paypal for a $ 5AUD payment . 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The ship swayed and creaked . He feels every bit of it in his body . Taking no chances the crew , damnedable pirates , have chained him with no give . Legs bound in a kneeling position , arms chained to either wall crucifying him to the ship like a perverse figurehead , he 's been their captive long enough to have forgotten the feel of kindness . It is a small blessing that their fear of him keeps his gag in place at all times . It keeps them from coming anywhere near him . The captain learned a long time ago that he gleans all he needs to live from the moisture in the air , the brine in his eyes . During storms , when he is strongest , the captain posts guards with him . They don 't look at him . A terrible hope fills him today . By the movement of the ship and the crew 's curses , he knows that they 're being pursued by another ship . This ship is a runner , fast . There 'd be little concern of capture if the ship did not gain its quickness from being light , gain its lightness from having little room for armaments or supplies . The pursuers have had them going for a week now and they 'd been out of port for at least a month . He knows from the panic in the crew that the food is all but gone . Soon they 'll be too weak to load what small guns are aboard . He 'd be surprised if they could remember how to sight the cannons it 's been so long since the captain has ordered them used . His hope stems from the pirates ' desperation . If they succumb to practicality then they 'll come for him . With frightened hearts and shaking hands , they 'll undo his chains and he 'll get to spend some time under the sky instead of under foot . So he waits for their desperation to bloom practicality . It does not take long . The first mate comes with three guards and the keys . It is always the first mate that comes to get him . The captain coming himself would make him a person that the captain fears , he wouldn 't last long once that got out among the crew . The first mate is the only one he trusts with the keys to his chains . " The captain wants to see you . " He speaks with a unique accent that comes with the ship 's pidgin of French , Spanish , and Greek . His ears hear the gibberish , but his mind provides him with the meaning . Slowly , they unchain his arms from the ship and secure them behind his back . The guards are afraid to touch him , unsure whether he 'll break or they 'll be infected with something . It strikes him as odd how religious some of these men are . Coming onto the deck , sea spray hits him in the face , covers his bare chest . He instantly feels more alive . He stands taller , muscles flex , the chains bite into his skin . They take him to the captain , standing at the aft of the ship . He stands beside the captain looking out at the wide ocean , the only thing marring their perfect view of the horizon the pursuers . The first mate and guards fold themselves into the three other men standing around them . The captain just stands there for a few minutes , ignoring him . This too is done to show the crew he will do this in his own time , to show that the man he keeps below decks does not frighten him . Around the gag , behind the locked mouth plate , he smiles . Only he and the captain know what he is , and he knows that the captain is frightened of that . " I have use of you . " From under his coat he draws out the key that only he is allowed to keep . He inserts into lock for the face plate . " If you hurt this ship my men will stab you and you will die before you can swim for freedom . Like always , yeah ? " He nods . It 's always the same threat . It vaguely occurs to him that this is only a half life . But then , the spirits would kill for half a life . The plate falls away and he spits the wooden wedge from his mouth . His tongue sticks out , tasting the salt in the air . He flexes his jaw , taking in the blue sky , the white clouds , the gentle waves . He smiles at the captain . Other than the crew 's swords there is very little compelling him . Finally , the captain 's annoyance at the delay shows on his face . He focuses on ship on the horizon . He tries not to think of the men on the ship . He knows he will have to answer for his actions one day , but he 's trying to postpone that day for as long as possible . " I 'm fine . Sorry . " The cabby 's eyes dart from the road to the rearview mirror and back . " I 'm good . I 'm okay . " The cabby 's eyes return to the road and stay there , Lawrence was prepared to keep reassuring him for the rest of the drive as long as he didn 't take his eyes off the road . " That jetlag 's a bitch , isn 't it ? " " Yeah , jetlag . " He doesn 't really feel like talking so he looks out the window . What he sees unsettles him so much that he almost closes his eyes again . Outside the cab desert stretched on for miles . When he 'd met the cabby at the airport he 'd been fine . They 'd been in the middle of a city . He preferred the buildings and people to the endless dry expanse . He tried to think of it as a sea of earth but it just made him queasy . He can 't help it , he closes his eyes . " We 're almost there , " the cabby rouses him . " If I 'd of known I wouldn 't have let you sleep at all . You wouldn 't believe how many people fall asleep in my cab from the airport . " The cabby keeps up a steady stream of chitchat for the next few minutes . Lawrence doesn 't say much , but he 's glad for the distraction . " Here we go , buddy . " He pulls up in front of an independent diner . Lawrence can tell the sign was made with care when it was painted , years in the desert sun has faded it badly . " They got good food here ? " " I don 't know . This is my first time here . " He pays the fare and steps out of the air - conditioned interior . His lips are immediately dry and cracked . The heat cuts him to the core as fast as it dried his lips , the urge to speak rises in him . He needs to escape this heat , he 's drowning in dryness . He rushes inside hoping that they 'll have air - conditioning . No such luck . The interior of the restaurant is as faded as the exterior . He seats himself , impatiently tapping his foot waiting for the waitress . He can hear the sound of the wind . Not the dry , lifeless wind of the desert , but the damp , alive wind of the storm . It 's calling to him , begging him to call out . He licks his lips with a tongue he can barely feel . He can 't help himself , the desert is antithesis for him . Why had he decided to come here ? To satisfy some adolescent curiosity ? He takes one long , shuttering breath . " The special , two of them , just bring me a pitcher of water . " His throat feels so dry . He has to speak now before he loses his chance . " Hmph ! " With blurry vision he watches her flounce back to the kitchen . He grabs the edge of the table to steady himself . He 's clenching his jaw by the time she comes back with a glass for him . He swallows half of it . The cool liquid fills him , calming him . Vision clears , hands stop shaking , the urge lessening . The torrent of wind in his ears shifts to a gentle breeze . How close had he come ? The waitress turns to leave again , he grabs her arm . " Can I get you anything else ? " She says it in such a way that makes Lawrence wonder if it 's actually a question . She tired of him he can tell . She 's too used to bullying the locals . He doesn 't trying to be nice to her , he just takes out a fifty and lays it on the table . " This is your tip if you keep bringing me pitchers of water . " Her eyes gleam slightly as she stares at the bill on the table . Slowly she puts the pitcher on the table . " Thank you . " He drains the rest of his glass and pours another . He finishes this one in three huge gulps . He doesn 't feel as trapped now , his breathing has evened out . He fills the glass a third time , finishing off the pitcher , but only sips this one . A couple minutes pass , the waitress brings his two specials and another pitcher . Lawrence only picks at his food . Between the desert and the age of the equipment in the diner the food is completely dry . Mainly he just cuts up the food and moves it around on his plate . Mainly he watches the people in the restaurant . He immediately discounts his waitress . Seeing her move around the diner , speaking with her , she 's spent most of her life trying to get away from this place . It 's a pity that she 'd never really feel like she belongs anywhere . An old man sits in another booth . He is weathered , his countenance telling the story of a life in the desert . Despite the heat of the day he 's drinking coffee . Lawrence would have considered him a likely candidate if his research didn 't tell him he is looking for someone younger . Besides the old man doesn 't look like he belongs here , only that he 's gotten used to living here . It 's an old style diner setup , so Lawrence can see the cook behind the half wall separating the kitchen from the dining area . Cook would be a wonderful job for who he 's looking for . The heat rising from the stove providing a fix for the cravings while at work . Though nothing compared to the natural heat of the desert it would do while at work . Unfortunately the cook is wearing a sleeveless shirt that 's plastered to his body with sweat . Lawrence 's heart falls . He 's not close enough to the cook to pick up a flow from him , but the fact that he 's sweating tells him all he needs to know . It 's possible his sources were wrong . It 's not easy to track a Bearer . The burden / gift they bear making it too hard to get a fix on them . He 's about to get up , throwing the contents of his glass down his throat , when the kitchen door swings open and a young man steps through . Lawrence puts his cup down and watches him . Something in the way he moves is different . Somehow his movements come off as light , almost bouncy . Even just clearing dishes from tables , his movements are quick , precise . He wears a t - shirt , jeans , and boots , all are cheap , but he still has an air of status . Lawrence notes that he 's not sweating . He looks up , checking for more stray dishes . Lawrence motions him over . " You finished with this , mister ? " Lawrence inhales and catches the scent of aged stone . " Sorry , mister , I 'm just here for the dishes . You 'll want to try Craiper St . around ten tonight . " He grabs a plate , Lawrence grabs his wrist . Sun … Heat … Dry … Sand … Lawrence pulls his hand away , palm red . Perspiration stands out on the young man 's brow now , fear in his eyes . He slides into the booth across from Lawrence . Lawrence pours another glass of water and waits for the boy to say something . " I 'm on break ! " She throws up her hands and goes back into the kitchen . Tito smiles at Lawrence . " Let 's go outside . " Lawrence downs his water and follows him out and around the diner . " I 'm Benjamin Fuller , but everyone calls me , Tito . Now who the hell are you ? " It 's a fair question . If he doesn 't know what he is then he 's probably really freaked out . Lawrence can 't blame him , he 's been there . " Ha , not likely , man . " Tito looks skeptical , very skeptical . There 's at least fifteen years between them . And while Tito isn 't a full blooded Mexican , Lawrence can tell at least one of his parents is , while Lawrence couldn 't be more white without being an albino . It 's hard to believe . " I don 't mean biologically . I mean spiritually . " Tito 's face is instantly serious . " You can feel it , can 't you ? That subtle , tickling at the back of your brain that makes you feel like you know me , even while at your core I unsettle you . " " Yes . " Tito looks so relieved that it breaks Lawrence 's heart . He knows what it 's like to finally have this explained . Lawrence had spent three years in a mental hospital trying to deal by himself . Tito is a strong young man . " Where is there open desert ? " Tito points down an alley . Lawrence starts walking , Tito doesn 't need to be told to follow , he falls into step next to Lawrence careful not to touch him . They come out the other end of the alley seeing open land . For Lawrence it 's as close to nothing as he ever wants to get . Longing fills Tito 's eyes . " I want to share something with you . Watch out there . " Lawrence takes a deep breath and centers himself . The urge to speak has been growing since they stepped out of the diner , the dryness creeping in to all his dark places . Tito 's hands fly up to cover his ears . " Ah ! What the hell ? " FLASH ! BOOM ! The thunder cuts off any further curses . Tito 's gaze is drawn out to the desert , where black storm clouds have formed out of nowhere . The fear is back in his eyes , he retreats till his back hits the wall to the building . " What have you done ? " " I spoke my Word . We 're Word Bearers , Tito . You have your own . Can you feel it ? Deep in core . " Lawrence can see he 's confused . He 's frightened , overwhelmed . FLASHBOOM ! " You can stop this , Tito . Go ahead . Say your Word . I want to hear it . " " I don 't … I 'm not sure . " Confusion and fear war on Tito 's face . Lawrence hopes he won 't run . He didn 't mean to scare the boy . " Of course you 're sure . You 've known it for centuries , you just haven 't spoken it yet . It 's okay . I 'm here with you . " His first step is hesitant , his second is firm , his third is confident . Lawrence realizes he 's holding his breath . Tito looks up at him , he nods . Tito fixes his gaze on the storm . " " There it is . It 's as quiet as Lawrence 's Word is loud , but no less powerful . It 's so beautiful . As Lawrence watches the storm clouds dissipate a tear rolls down his cheek . 2 Dad suffered even from a sight of blood , and he never killed a hen nor slaughtered a pig . But I was aware that once he had donated his blood in the name of my Mum still , because she 'd had a narrow escape on an operating table then . With me a doctor would have my blood tested in a moment : one , two and it 's done . But first they make you ready for rather a time : take a seat , then have a proper finger chosen , though it is always just the one , then they wipe it with spirits until take somewhat sharp like a mini - scalpel . Not everyone can stand the procedure , but I was not against it when a doctor suggested me having my blood tested . She was a likable one , youngish for her age , not married or divorced , probably . And she had no child , I felt it immediately , she had such a look , barren if you want . Possibly for health reasons she could not bear a child or she didn 't find a right man . Or she could have a particular blood group not to have a child with anyone , that 's why she employed at a doctor 's consulting room to make blood tests . And she urged me to have my blood tested . At first I didn 't mind it , the right thing it is , still she didn 't ask my permission . " Just let 's have your blood tested " , she said and left me . She had many things to do I suppose . In doctor 's smocks they walked hither and thither all the time at a clinic there talking over the heads of those waiting , as if one was dead already . And I was still alive and a nurse was preparing to have my blood tested . While she got me ready she was chattering . She said that men were afraid of blood testing nowadays . More and more they refused to do it and ran away sometimes seeing a drop of blood . And one had nothing to fear , there was a couch behind the curtain in a special emergency to lie low , in case one fainted . She pulled the white curtain aside and showed me a couch with dark green leatherette and I shivered all at once : what for they needed my blood ? She suggested me taking off a jacket and rolling up my sleeve , left or right one , I don 't rMy Bio : Mr . Valery Petrovskiy is a journalist and short story writer from Russia . Не is an English Department graduate at Chuvash State University , Cheboksary , graduated in journalism at VKSch Higher School , Moscow and in psychology at Kazan State Technology University . He has been writing prose since 2005 . Some of his writing has been published in The Scrambler , Rusty Typer , BRICKrethoric , NAP Magazine , Literary Burlesque , The Other Room , Curbside Quotidian , DANSE MACABRE , WidowMoon Press , PRIME MINCER , Apocrypha and Abstractions , The Legendary in the USA , and in Australian " Skive " and " Going Down Swinging " magazines . At the moment he is writer - in - residence at Marco Polo Art Mag . It 's dark in here . That 's because I live at the bottom of the jewellery box along with the other outcasts : the tangled necklace with the broken lobster claw and teddy pendant she got for her eleventh birthday , along with the bracelet that 's missing a couple of gem stones . She always says she will have them repaired but never does , preferring to spend the money on more fashionable pieces instead that imitate Asian and Oriental designs . An untrained eye might imagine that they were found by a back - packer on their travels , but they weren 't . They can be bought from any shop on the high - street , and are merely echoes of worlds she 's never seen . Not all of us down here are broken though . I 'm not , and neither is the engagement ring she got from Mark , ( who eventually cheated on her with Shannon from Reception , ) or the belly bar she took out when she put weight on and decided looked too young for her anyway . The ones at the top who get worn more often pity us , ( ' how boring it must be , ' they say to each other in whispers they think we can 't hear , ' being cooped up down there , month in , month out , ' ) but in a way they 're jealous . As I 've said , you could buy them in their hundreds if you wanted to , and they are without sentimental value like the childhood necklace or the belly bar that reminds her of her wild teens and early twenties . They 're easily replaced and she gives them away when they become outdated - or chucks them if even her younger sister and the charity shops say no , thanks . She doesn 't like Mark 's ring or me , so it isn 't often that her fingers dig through the chunky bangles and strings of beads to bring me to the surface . It happens maybe three or four times a year when she has arranged to visit The Matriarch . The ring doesn 't even get a look in . Why Mark wouldn 't let her give it back to him so that he could give it to someone he did love is beyond us ; at least that way it would have been enjoyed . All the same , seeing as I 'm an heirloom and the ring is eighteen carat white goPerhaps you imagine I get bitter when the voices of the favoured ones float above my head , chattering away about their ventures out of the box : days at work , dinners , dates , parties and who was there , who wasn 't there , what she wore … you get the drift . Or worse , maybe you feel sorry for me . I 'd rather you didn 't . Pity the rest but not me . I 'm not so keen on their weight pressing down on me but I don 't mind the dark . In fact I quite like it . It reminds me of home , my real one , from before I met people . As for being bitter , you can rule that out . I 'm a pearl , darling ; it 's not in my nature . You lot have seen me as a symbol of love for thousands of years and I do try to live up to my name by being kind - although I cannot help but wince sometimes at the irony , given that the first person I ever met died . Don 't look at me like that ; it wasn 't my fault . But that 's why she doesn 't like me . All the same , when you 've being kept in a family for over a century you do take an interest in your present owner , even if it 's not reciprocated , so I enjoy listening to the young ones ' gossip . Let them have their fun while they still can . The best they can hope for is a place in a child 's dressing - up box in just a few , short years so they might as well enjoy it . 2 . Memories . I might be old - fashioned and be from a past that she and you would rather forget , but I 'm not like your kind . I will endure and outlive the others , her - even you . And I never forget . My memory doesn 't grow weak with age , it gets stronger . I can still smell what my home was like ; still feel the movements of the person who found me when he panicked and rushed too quickly to the top , and the urgent , grasping hand of the first , but different person to ever touch me , as though I 'd only stopped smelling and feeling them a minute ago . The memories of my owners and the events in their lives play like the films you are so fond of ; the moment when her grandfather proposed to her grandmother , and the christening of her mother , they are a3 . Before she grew up . I suppose you think it strange that her grandmother , ( or The Matriarch as she jokingly calls her , ) skipped a generation and gave me to someone who doesn 't like me , but it never used to be this way . When she was little and used to visit her grandmother she would ask , ( very politely after giving her a peck on the cheek , ) if she could play with her jewellery box . The answer was always yes , and she would very carefully hunt through the diamonds and gold to find me , pin me to her jumper and wear me for the rest of the time she was there . It became something of a ritual , to the point where her grandmother began to pick me out herself and would put me on the coffee table ready for when she arrived . When she was eighteen , The Matriarch had a heart attack , and fearing that she would never leave hospital , insisted on the girl 's mother driving for two hours to get me , so that she could give me to her personally before it was too late . They were very close , and still are in spite of the distance , for she survived against all the odds . Whenever she goes to see her she always comments on how lovely it is , seeing her granddaughter all grown up , wearing her old brooch that 's always been her favourite . And I was for a time . Traditionally I was only worn for a special or significant occasion , but when she was at college I had the strange but enjoyable experience of being put in her pocket and going with her , and if she felt nervous about something her fingers would slide down to stroke me . Normally I hated people manhandling me , but I didn 't mind in her case - it was better than her biting her nails . It was almost as if she thought that having me with her would stop something bad happening - and I have been viewed as ' lucky . ' Stop sniggering , it 's true . In the days of knights and sword - fighting , we would be worn when the rich and noble went into battle because they thought we would protect them from harm , so don 't laugh at her . It felt good , being wanted , and I have to confess I came in danger You don 't like being reminded of your past - those days of glory when Britain ruled half the world . I think that 's why you apologise so much , and give more than you can afford to charities trying to save the poor and starving around the globe . It 's almost as though you 're trying to make up for all the wrongs done before you were born . And I 've tried to avoid talking about it in case you ran away - I get lonely sometimes and it 's nice having someone to talk to . But you can 't run forever , things have to be faced eventually . Some of you may already know and may already be trying to shut out the sound of my words by turning your thoughts to the plans you 've made for the weekend , but there 'll be a lot of you who don 't . There are lots of happy anecdotes from my owners ' lives I could have told you but this is the one you need to hear : My story . We are not like your kind , but there is one thing we have in common : just as you can 't remember coming out of the womb , we don 't know what it was like being a grain of sand or piece of shell squeezing our way inside an oyster and hardening ; all I remember is being . There were no thoughts , for when you live inside a shell there isn 't a great deal to think about - nothing happens . That probably sounds dull to you but there was no sadness , no pain or death . It was peaceful , just being . I didn 't know this at the time but even nothing has to come to an end eventually : the day would always have come when I would be found . It will be hard for you to understand what it was like being taken out of water , hearing sounds , seeing colours and light - all for the first time . On paper it sounds great , this explosion of life , but the reality was frightening - and even fear was something I had never heard of or felt before . Maybe that 's why your newborns usually cry when they come out , because they 're scared and want to go back . I 'm trying to think of ways to describe how it was to you , and the only way I can think of is for you to imagine an ancient Egyptian being placed in the middle of a supermarket . That might give you a better idea , but even that doesn 't come close . I 've learnt a lot since then - ( I 've had to , I didn 't have any other choice - ) but there 's one thing I 've never been able to get my head around , and that is time . Your lives are ruled by clocks and diaries telling you when deadlines or birthdays are due , but when you have so much time whole years , even decades can pass you by . Forgive me then , if I am a little hazy on dates . What I can tell you is that I was brought to the surface in the late 1800s , which makes me special . There aren 't many of us that come from nature now . Most are made by man in bulk on farms . Things changed . You suddenly became concerned about human life and diving equipment got better . Both meant that the world 's poor no were no longer forced to hold their breaths for comments » I knew that someone important was going to walk into my life at 12 : 15 , just after I normally drink tea and prepare for an slow day working on the horoscope . Now , maybe you might not believe me . After all , I am a professional charlatan . But I knew something was up , because for the last two weeks every prediction I have made actually worked out . It started when I saw Mrs Henderson . She was a fat woman , an unpleasant woman , a great client . Like most people who wanted a reading , she didn 't want the truth . And normally I didn 't give it to her . I pulled out the equipment . It was a plain set . It looked like bone china , but was made in china for a very low price . Mrs Henderson looked impressed anyway . She had a lot of money , and not a lot of sense . Anyway , I started reading the information contained in the tea leafs . And then the world went blank . When I returned to the world , Mrs Henderson was gone . I walked out of the shop I had rented , and another of the shopkeepers came up to me . He was normally an quiet , amicable chap . This time he looked like he wanted to throttle me . " She came out of here . Howling and crying , like you 'd tried to kill her . " he put his face up to mine , " You ever do it again and I 'll . . " " I don 't know what you 're talking about , " and I backed away from him . He stalked off . I walked back to my shop , ready to wait for my next appointment . Mrs Abbot didn 't come . She left a nervous message on my answer phone . At the time I didn 't realise why . Because I had no other clients for the day , I went home . My mouth opened wide . It was such a shock , it seemed like I 'd just been told I was about to die . And then . Then I was in my bed , looking at the ceiling . The police officers had gone . But it felt more real than a dream . It must have been a dream . Yeah , that was what it was , I convinced myself . Although I should have known better . In Ireland you can make a full time living as a psychic . less so in England . The English wouldn 't even pay you if you could predict the lottery . So I also work as a pitchman . Which , if you think about it , is just another way to make a dishonest buck . I walked to the nearest boot sale , and set up . It isn 't too crowded in the morning . And everyone is busy . So I crawl in through the hedge . They don 't know that I 'm there against the rules . I set up . My table is old fashioned . A suitcase with legs you fold out . Like the true pitchmen of the 50 's . My pitch is the worm . They wiggle around my hand , like they are alive . The fools in the crowd gave me money . That is what they are for . She had the longest blondest hair this side of fairyland , and her smile lights up the room like a flashlight . And I knew I am meant to talk to her . Just now . She walked off . I had the sense she is in trouble . She was poorer than she used to be , her clothes were expensive , but last years fashion . I had a feeling I will meet her again . When I got there , there was Mrs Henderson and her husband . Their eyes were red . They had been crying . I couldn 't understand what they were there for . I managed to get them to leave . At first I thought that the gossip would help me . But the truth is , no one wants to go to a psychic that tells them the truth . Life is hard enough . You go to a psychic to hear lies . I made some money as a pitchman , so it didn 't affect me too much . But I kept on having bad dreams . I kept on seeing people I knew in them . Not just that , I saw how they died . Their pain . And I started to write down what I saw . In a book by my bedside cabinet . The extra time I had meant I was drinking more too . It was like I 'd been cursed . But the worst was the Christians . They decided that these dreams were inspired by Satan . They set up the picket line in front of my office . I started to think I should simply leave . On Wednesday , the cleaner came in . She was a nosy parker . And no mistake . Her husband had died a few years back , and she was interested in everything . While it 's not the way she put it , she was very interested in the diary . All the details of the different murders and deaths I 'd seen . All the factual details that no one else other than the murderer could know . She took it to the police , and they read it , and they got their warrant . I arrived back at the normal time , and nothing was different . The book was there . I didn 't notice the surveillance cameras . Not at all . They broke in that night . It wasn 't a dream . And I looked up to them bleary eyed , a gun pointing in my face , and swore . They dragged me towards the back of the car , and I noticed someone had decided to give the press warning . So it was very public . Once in , they took me right there . And kitted me out in fetching jail clothing , since I was still in pyjamas . This was the first time I was in jail , and I can tell you it is not as bad as some people say . There is an odd vinegar smell , hiding other bodily fluids . And it is never quiet . There is always shouting going on , and doors slammed . But it was no worse than some hotels I 've been in while performing . I looked across at my lawyer . Short , thin , balding and bored . The police officer had my diary in front of him . He picked it up . " In it , you 've got the details of dozens of murders . Information the police hasn 't released to the public . Information . . . dare I say it , in some cases that the police didn 't even know themselves . " And that was it . That was the full content of the interview . I was hustled off into the cell , and ended up waiting for days . In telephone conversations with friends , I knew the police were digging up my life . I was given a notebook , and a pen , and I continued to write down my dreams . I thought I might as well . The police would search my cell every now and again , and confiscate them . They even moved me to solitary . Made sure no one could be feeding me this information . Or , presumably , that I wasn 't ordering the killings . But the dreams continued . They were getting worse and worse . Every morning I woke up feeling like I had not slept . I guess at least things looked up , because they took me from prison . They drove me along country lanes , towards a building . I can 't tell you precisely where it was . It just looked like an old school to be honest . You 'd never have guessed it was an intelligence headquarters . They bundled me out into an empty building . You 've heard of the secret prisons . Well , they are true . They dressed me up in a uniform , tagged my ankle , and locked me in a cage . The only thing they gave me was some paper and a pen to write down my dreams . Sometimes people came to research me . They put me in scanners , and gave me all kinds of medical tests . The results were unsurprising . I was just a normal , healthy individual . And that was how it seemed I was destined to live for the rest of my life . Until I started to hear the voices . They were low . Just like someone was talking in the next room . Distant . And I couldn 't make them out . That night I was tossing and turning , and I heard someone shout out my name . I woke up . No one was there . Then I tried to get asleep again , and managed it . But the voice was insistent . Nothing answered me . The guards walked past my cell . But with the dreams and the voices , I was getting no sleep . It started to affect me so badly I would not even eat food . Within a few days I was exhausted . Mentally and physically drained . And I guess that is what the creatures wanted . Because soon they broke through . It 's hard to tell you how it felt . But if you have ever had a moment of shock , when you suddenly feel like you aren 't there , you 'll know . He said his name . And then the voice faded away . But I knew I had to do precisely what he told me . I 'd go mad otherwise . Maybe I was already mad . The opportunity came sooner than I expected . My handlers were getting anxious . I was producing less predictions than normal , and the federal conviction rate was plummeting through the floor . The handlers looked like model citizens . Dark suits , a man and a woman dressed formally , like they were lawyers . They flashed their badge to me . I don 't know why , the fact I was in a prison gave them away . The police officer fell back . You could see him working it through in his mind . Despite the success of my predictions , he settled on the conclusion I was mad . After all , psychic phenomena were impossible . He 'd read that once . I shook my head . But that night , I was thinking about it , and decided that I had to ask . Had to have a conversation , if only for my sanity . When the voices started up , I leaned forward in my bed . I asked the question again . But he would say nothing of use to me . he would only repeatedly ask me to find his killers . Not very useful . Eventually , I managed to coax his name from him . Nigel . Not a very good name for a joke . That was the strange thing . No murder victims of that name came up . Not any time soon . But a week later , a Nigel disappeared . And I realised the truth . I looked through the court reports . He had been killed by stabbing . They wouldn 't let me out of the jail . So all I could do was read the files they brought on him . And I got the feeling that many of the details had been redacted . it was like looking for a haystack in an elephant : messy and not very satisfactory . There were only two people I decided who could have done it . They both had a great deal to gain . At the end of the day , though , there is a limit to what you can do from inside a jail cell . The guards looked sceptically at me when I asked for it . But I was responsible for half the murder arrests in the district for the last six months . So they eventually gave me what I wanted . Especially when I refused to furnish them with any more information . I don 't know if you have ever been to a proper séance . Well , to be honest , most of the time the knocks are from the medium . But this time it was different . Within moments of the séance starting , I was aware that the room was colder . Then the entire board lifted off the table , and flew towards me . It hit the wall a few inches from my face . The room warmed up again . The presence was gone . For a little while . " I didn 't " I replied . I knew that he didn 't believe me . But he would have to show more senior people . And I knew they couldn 't afford to risk me . I went back to bed . For the first time in weeks , I had no bad dreams . I guess Nigel knew I understood his message . I slept very soundly . Until the next morning . But my guards didn 't really understand . Or they did not want to understand . My handler met me in the interview room the next morning . He looked tired . Besides him sat a man I hadn 't seen before . He wore the cleanest , most expensive suit I had seen during my stay at the states pleasure . The man stood up . He walked out of the room . Measured , and without menace . But he didn 't seem to be a man used to dealing with no . My handler shook his head . He didn 't need to tell me the consequences . All of a sudden , I was put on suicide watch . Woken up every thirty minutes to see if I wasn 't dead yet . The heating in my cell surprisingly broke . I knew I was in their hands totally . But I never realised what it was like to displease them . You see , Nigel might be a ghost , but that doesn 't mean he is stupid . He can see what is happening . He knows they are stopping me doing what he wants . And this gets him angry . They first times he acted , it looked like coincidence . The guards chair would tilt under him , depositing him on the floor . Or cups of coffee were not placed firmly enough on the table . The guards were spooked by me . They knew that I was able to see things they could not . But although the guards face became pale , his hand on the trigger was steady and firm . It was too late . The chair slammed into the guard . He dropped to the floor . Then I saw the guards keys float from his pocket . My cell door was unlocked . I walked over to the guard , stripped his clothes off , and changed into his uniform . I thought I didn 't have much of a choice . If I didn 't do what Nigel wanted he would kill me . Every door I came to slid open without me doing anything . It would have been creepy if I didn 't know what was happening . Soon the alarms started to ring out . People would be grabbing their guns , getting ready to shoot me . I could feel my heart trying to escape from my chest . I soon arrived at fire exit . It opened in front of me . I climbed down some steps . Below me , I could see coppers swarming . I continued to walk down . One of the coppers recognised me . I ran in the opposite direction . He took aim , and I could hear the gun explode behind me . But the bullet didn 't pierce my skin like I expected . Instead , it ended in the ground . I reached a police car , and the engine came on without anyone doing anything . Then I went into a store and bought black trousers and a white shirt . Got changed . And walked out of the shopping centre , expecting to be caught at any time . In my pocket there was five hundred dollars . That was all I had in the world , except for an insane ghost . I decided it was time to go to the library . After chatting to the librarian for a few seconds , she walked me over to a computer which had copies of the local papers for the last twenty years . I typed a search . At first I found nothing , but as I expanded the search back I found him . According to the interview , he was found murdered in his bed . He had been asleep . His wife had been charged and convicted of his murder . But she said she was innocent . Nothing came in response . I knew that would happen . It was too much to hope for . It was getting late at night . The librarian was fussing near me . It was time to go . When you are a fugitive , it isn 't as simple to find a place to stay as booking a room in a hotel . I walked round , looking for an empty house . It took me an hour . Occasionally a police car would go past . It made me nervous . At one time it would have been a posh bungalow . But whoever had owned it had been taken to a care home , and it was covered in weeds and neglect . I walked up to the door , and it swings open . That is one of the advantages of your own private poltergeist . Inside it was a mess . But dry and water proof . There was a wood burning stove in one room . The power was off , and Nigel didn 't turn it on . But the water was only off at the mains . It was easy enough to get it working again . In the morning I would have to start the process of searching for Nigel Slater . I knew roughly where he lived . I fell asleep , and woke up hungry and cramped . Outside , I could hear rustling . I peeked through the window , and could see a man dressed only in black . He looked like he was not very friendly . I ducked down , but he must have seen me . He edged towards the door . It was locked , but he slammed it open . I hid behind the sofa . it didn 't help . He walked towards me . I noticed he had a poker in his hand . There was no way he wouldn 't find me . I stood up . I looked over at him . He had a long scar down his face . it seemed like he was used to trouble . And he was straining to start a fight . I did what he said . He followed me . I thought he might hit me at any second . or recognise me . They must have put my picture out into the news by now . I sighed with relief , but knew that my location might be passed onto the police . I decided it was time to get out of the town . I caught a bus , and tried to hide my face . Since I hadn 't had a bath for a few days it was easier than you might think . People did not want to look me in the eyes . I arrived at Nigel 's house six hours latter . It was a solemn house . A plane front garden laid to grass , brick frontage , and white windows . It didn 't look like anyone had ever cared for it . It looked like it was a place to sleep and not to stay . It took me a few minutes to settle down , and watch the street . There was nothing extraordinary about it . A few people walked past , taking little interest in the stranger . After watching for half an hour , I knew there was little information here for me . Talking round the local shops I found out that Nigel had been a quiet man . Few people knew him , past his saying hello . he didn 't seem to have been involved in anything wrong . or indeed in anything at all . I decided that there could only really have been one source of trouble . He must have found out something at work . Something that made him worth more to someone dead than alive . I got some annual reports from his company and studied them . Amazing what is available on the internet these days . There was little of interest . I applied to work at Nigel 's company as a cleaner . it was a big risk . I supplied false references , and knew they would not check them for months . That 's the thing about cleaners . No one takes any notice . So I got the job , and examined the work place thoroughly . It looked like an office . The computers were always on . Once or twice I looked over the shoulder of someone working but it was all gobbledygook to me . To make it worse , I saw my face on the newspaper when I went for food . Sure , I looked a lot different now . I had grown longer hair , a beard , and was thinner . But it was still me . I grew suspicious of other people . Then came my big break . Several people were working in the office late . I overhead them speaking about a billion dollar deal . The company was getting bought out . I checked the internet , and there was something in the trade section . The routine was the same every day . But one of my colleagues had not turned up to work . So I was asked to clean the main office . I did so . But I did more than that , I broke into the file cabinets , and started reading company secrets . But that didn 't save me for long . The next day I arrived at work a few minutes earlier . Something told me that things were wrong . The security guard on the gate was new . He told me to go out to the bosses office . I walked into a small lab , and looked around . There was a window , and I tried to open it . In the distance I could see five police cars . The window wouldn 't open . There was only one way out . And I knew that by now , there would be police officers between me and the door . I looked round to find a chair . Then used it to break the window . The alarm went , and I slid through the empty hole . But I caught my shoulder on a shard of glass . I was bleeding . The police gave up their pretence . Dozens of sirens started up , heading towards the building . I ran through a green space . I knew that there was only one way out of the compound except the front gate . A hole in the fence I had noticed a few days earlier . But over head their was a helicopter . Although I ran like the wind , it wasn 't enough . I could hear the police men getting closer and closer . I turned around and saw two police officers . They both had guns pointed at me . I raised my hands , and they soon had me on the ground . I arrived at my destination a few hours latter . This time they were taking no chances . I arrived at a super maximum prison . Surrounded by barbed wire , dogs , and armed police officers it was obvious I 'd never get out . The next day the interrogation began . Again and Again . Asking me where I had gone . What I had done . I eventually broke down and told them everything . But that didn 't stop them continuing . Maybe what they were doing was no crime . But it was a form of torture . Eventually , the interrogations stopped . They gave me paper . They wanted to go back to how it used to be . But by that time I had got so angry , even when I did have a dream I kept it to myself . I wasn 't there . So all I can do is repeat the report that was made to me . No guarantee it is what happened . Apparently the director of the FBI had been having an extramarital affair . He was in bed that normal , and engaging in exercise at the same time . This was not expected , but what was even more unexpected was the windows opening wide . And the explosions of a gun . The director of the FBI 's gun . But I do know that it made the national news . The assistant director of the FBI resigned . And , to be frank , most of the people in the FBI did not care much about that . But it was fair warning . He didn 't seem to be exactly happy about what had happened . In fact , he stormed in to the visiting room , and let loose a barrage of swear words . I sat there passively , listening to him . When he calmed down sufficiently , he sat down . " Nigel was right . All he wants is his murderer found . But he isn 't going to stop . Not until that is done . Not even if he has to kill someone else to do it . " " No . I am not . Nigel is a threat to you . If you stand in the way , that is . He is a ghost . What can you do to get rid of him ? " The director of the FBI thought for a few seconds . An hour latter , a priest turned up with bell , book and candle . it didn 't work spectacularly . The power went off , the candle blew out , the bell rang , and the book was thrown across the room . The director gestured to the mirror and two toughs walked in . They carried some rope . They tied me to the chair , and lifted a cosh over their heads . Then all hell broke lose . The cosh swung back by itself . it raised into the air , and came down , laying out one of the thugs . The other caught me a glancing blow , but something unseen lifted him from the floor and threw him against the wall . " You have a choice . Director . Help find Nigel 's killer . Or , I think , Nigel will chase you down and gut you like a fish . " Eventually the Director settled down again . He sat in his chair , silently looking at me . I wasn 't a pretty picture . Thin , and in prison coveralls . I must have looked like a real criminal . They let me go that afternoon . Put me in a suit , and told me I was seconded to the FBI . I was even given my own agent . He was tall , thin , and looked every inch the government man . The agent shook his head . He gave nothing away . That was when I knew he wasn 't sent to help me . Just to keep an eye out on me . Nevertheless , I decided that I could use him . Like he wanted to use me . I looked over to him , and told him to get a warrant . We were going to search Nigel 's company . And read every damn bit of paper they had about Sigma . When we arrived at the door , they had their lawyer sorted out already . Someone must have leaked it . He looked like he had cost a lot of money . " I 'm afraid we have the right not to incriminate ourselves . We are asserting that right . Both as a company , and as individuals . So , no , you can ask any questions but we will not answer them . " I was surprised when I found the clue . It was something no one else would have noticed . A single envelope in the bin . It contained an address . I think Nigel must have been helping me . I was drawn to it . But the thing I noticed was the fact the address had a Sigma stamp . Once we were out of the building , I decided to break away from the FBI agent . I knew some things would work better on my own . it was easier said than done . When I tried to go for a walk that night , he insisted on staying right by me . Getting to the address was difficult . I didn 't have a car , I had to take the bus . Most of the journey there wasn 't even that . And it had began to rain . I must have looked odd , walking around town that late at night , soaked . In fact , I surprised no copper stopped me . " Good enough , " I said . Knowing I was lying as I said it . It wasn 't like it was my strong point . The expression on the coppers face showed he thought not either . He stood there behind me his mouth opened , as I shimmied the lock . it opened . I walked in . This was a mistake , I didn 't notice the small CCTV camera , the camera that was hidden in a plug socket . But it was sending my picture right up to the security office . I worked quickly , going up the stairs to the office . I don 't know what I had expected to see . But what I did see looked just like any other office . Even down to the half drunk cup of coffee . I woke up in the boot of a car . I could feel the engine running , and smell burning petrol . It was pick black . The car started off , bumping along the ground . Hitting me from side to side . My hands were tied behind my back . It was lucky I knew a little magic . I got the knot loose without much effort . Then I grovelled around the car to find something , anything that could help me . There was a wrench , which I picked up . I put the rope around my wrists , hiding the fact I was loose . And put the wrench in my pocket . The boot of the car swung open . One of the security guards lifted me out of the boot . He was covered in muscle . My mouth opened wide . That was the last thing I expected to hear . They marched me along the ground and I saw him for the first time . Nigel . Alive . Then the room went strange . Something turned the lights off , and opened the windows . It even raised a chair off the ground . The security guard looked worried for the first time . " For the last month , I have been searching for the person who killed Nigel Slater . You , sir , are Nigel Slater . But it seems your ghost hasn 't got the information you are alive . " But it didn 't work . By the time that the ambulance arrived , Nigel was in a deep coma . It took only a short time after that until the first homicide detective got there . But the truth is , it was fate . No ones fault . Except the murderer . After all , how can Nigel Slater 's ghost come into my dreams unless he is actually killed ? What happened next surprised me . The cops arrested me . Told me I was being held on suspicion of murder . I told them not to be idiots , but they wrote it in their notebooks and not their minds . By that point the clues would be getting stale , so I drove right to the company . But they wouldn 't let me in . it was a police investigation , they said . No dice . I called the FBI agent and asked him to run the full scan on Slater . By the time he had finished I would know every single family member . And all I had to do was interview them . The only clue left to me was Sigma . The company was closed for a few hours , but the managing director wasn 't . Again the FBI came to my rescue . They had the address , and I wasn 't afraid to use it . We walked up the garden path . It wasn 't the most luxurious house that a managing director had ever lived at . But I knocked on the door anyway . I walked in . Behold , the group was all there . The director of the FBI himself . The attorney general . And a four star general . I could feel the back of my assistant straightening up . The Managing Director pressed a button on the TV . It switched on . Nigel Slater 's office . I saw him pick up his glass . Put the chemicals in it . The MD fast forwarded . Nigel killed himself . " Oil . We got him to produce computer models . All the oil reserves . He was so great . . . well , he could produce a program that told us exactly where oil was , just from satellite images . " Just at that moment a dozen armed guards came into the room . Their guns were pointed right at me . I raised my hands , and was soon plunged into the carpet . They searched me . Didn 't find anything interesting . " Yeah . But I don 't think you did it . I don 't think you were that smart . But I don 't know what this being who calls himself Nigel Slater is , " I didn 't struggle . By now , them putting handcuffs on me was almost routine . I just wish I had been able to continue my life as a charlatan . I didn 't know what to say to that . it was true . it was obvious when you think about it . Nigel had told me he was murdered when he was still alive . but no one ever said the soul was bound to the arrow of time . Within a few minutes we had picked up an escort . From what I could tell , they had closed the road down . Only we were travelling that evening . I gulped . It looked like things were just about to head for the worse . The trip to the Whitehouse was the most fraught I had experienced in my life . The director of the FBI was reading faxes and emails in the car . His face was getting more and more pale . " I guess like the English did in WWII . With disinformation . We need to get an Chinese agent and feed him bad info . And I guess Nigel might be your best hope for that . " I guess the FBI director caught on quickly . Because he could go anywhere , Nigel could listen to the Chinese chatter . He could find Chinese agents . Maybe he didn 't know Chinese , but he knew enough to listen in to the English language conversations . It wasn 't a new concept . The CIA had investigated it in the sixties . But they didn 't have a real life ghost , so their experiments failed . This time we had a real ghost . I asked them to pick out the Ouija board again . The séance room was a sight you had never seen in your life . The president and the director of the FBI holding hands , in a dark room . The president of the united states shook his head . You could tell he couldn 't believe what he was seeing . He got up from his seat , and you could almost hear his bones cracking . Over in the corner of the room I could see a computer with satellite images . I could watch the Chinese fleet mobilising in real time . The number of dots that represented aircraft carriers alone was scary . " It will only be a few days before we have to mobilise our own navy . " The wait was excruciating . But suddenly five hours latter , the board started spelling out a name . The FBI director went to work . Within minutes they had the file out . He didn 't look like what you would expect of a Chinese agent . He had long , blonde hair , was dressed in a respectable suit , and had a respectable job . He worked in the old navy base . His job was to work on the files , reading sensitive military information . Including information about resource allocation . Once they checked his bank account the truth became obvious . The FBI director stood up , and paced down the long thin corridor . Then he arrived back in the meeting room with a young woman . She was dressed in military uniform . He explained the plan . It was simple . The Chinese agent needed to think it had all been a hoax . But for that to work , he would have to eat a pack of lies . I wasn 't there , so I can report only what I have been told . The female agent I had been introduced to worked in the old navy headquarters . She worked in the files there . It is a room full of top secret papers . Room might be the wrong word ; it was the size of an aircraft hanger . She worked there , and had spent months being bored . So naturally , she had struck up a conversation with the handsome blonde military attaché . And , the conversation was reciprocated . The director of the FBI looked at her . She didn 't look like much to put the freedom of the world onto . But she was eager . And after being told what to do , she didn 't complain . She saluted . I stood at the back of the room , watching the Director of the FBI feeling out the officer , and knew I would have to talk to Nigel alone . I didn 't trust her . She looked too good to be true with her starched uniform and willing smile . The new agent went into a staff car , to be driven to the headquarters . She looked very lonely in the back of the car . Meanwhile , we walked to the operations room . There was a banks of monitors the length of the room . We could see satellite images of the build up of the Chinese fleet , as well as real time updates of our spies . I nodded . Then looked back over to the screens . I could see our agent depositing the papers in her draw . She phoned up the Chinese agent , and set up dinner . It looked like a glorious feast . Roast duck , with all the trimmings . The doorbell went . She walked over to it , and opened it . She said something , and the Chinese agent walked into the room . After ten minutes of conversation , she walked away . To go to the toilet . He walked over to the draws , and started rummaging . After a few minutes he found the file our agent had left . He took out the smallest camera you have ever seen , and clicked the image . After that , he put the files away . After he left , the confirmation came thick and fast . The Chinese fleet disbanded . It was amazing to see , but they split up within a matter of hours . Soon the sea around Taiwan was empty except for commercial shipping . I guess that if this had been a story that would be it . I would have been given a party , a celebration , and been allowed to leave . After all , I had saved the day . Well , Nigel did leave . I haven 't heard from him since . After they had finished celebrating , a guard collected me , and drove me in a prison van to here . It is a cold concrete cell . I am allowed a TV , and to write carefully vetted letters . I 'm not sure how I will post this , my story . Maybe I will write it under the postage stamp . I guess for an old crook like me , it is fair . But I wish I had been sent to jail for something I did . And not for some trumped up terrorist charge . Currently we only offer payment for one story selected as the feature story in the monthly pdf magazine only . The successful author will be contacted to organise payment via paypal for a $ 5AUD payment . 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The ship swayed and creaked . He feels every bit of it in his body . Taking no chances the crew , damnedable pirates , have chained him with no give . Legs bound in a kneeling position , arms chained to either wall crucifying him to the ship like a perverse figurehead , he 's been their captive long enough to have forgotten the feel of kindness . It is a small blessing that their fear of him keeps his gag in place at all times . It keeps them from coming anywhere near him . The captain learned a long time ago that he gleans all he needs to live from the moisture in the air , the brine in his eyes . During storms , when he is strongest , the captain posts guards with him . They don 't look at him . A terrible hope fills him today . By the movement of the ship and the crew 's curses , he knows that they 're being pursued by another ship . This ship is a runner , fast . There 'd be little concern of capture if the ship did not gain its quickness from being light , gain its lightness from having little room for armaments or supplies . The pursuers have had them going for a week now and they 'd been out of port for at least a month . He knows from the panic in the crew that the food is all but gone . Soon they 'll be too weak to load what small guns are aboard . He 'd be surprised if they could remember how to sight the cannons it 's been so long since the captain has ordered them used . His hope stems from the pirates ' desperation . If they succumb to practicality then they 'll come for him . With frightened hearts and shaking hands , they 'll undo his chains and he 'll get to spend some time under the sky instead of under foot . So he waits for their desperation to bloom practicality . It does not take long . The first mate comes with three guards and the keys . It is always the first mate that comes to get him . The captain coming himself would make him a person that the captain fears , he wouldn 't last long once that got out among the crew . The first mate is the only one he trusts with the keys to his chains . " The captain wants to see you . " He speaks with a unique accent that comes with the ship 's pidgin of French , Spanish , and Greek . His ears hear the gibberish , but his mind provides him with the meaning . Slowly , they unchain his arms from the ship and secure them behind his back . The guards are afraid to touch him , unsure whether he 'll break or they 'll be infected with something . It strikes him as odd how religious some of these men are . Coming onto the deck , sea spray hits him in the face , covers his bare chest . He instantly feels more alive . He stands taller , muscles flex , the chains bite into his skin . They take him to the captain , standing at the aft of the ship . He stands beside the captain looking out at the wide ocean , the only thing marring their perfect view of the horizon the pursuers . The first mate and guards fold themselves into the three other men standing around them . The captain just stands there for a few minutes , ignoring him . This too is done to show the crew he will do this in his own time , to show that the man he keeps below decks does not frighten him . Around the gag , behind the locked mouth plate , he smiles . Only he and the captain know what he is , and he knows that the captain is frightened of that . " I have use of you . " From under his coat he draws out the key that only he is allowed to keep . He inserts into lock for the face plate . " If you hurt this ship my men will stab you and you will die before you can swim for freedom . Like always , yeah ? " He nods . It 's always the same threat . It vaguely occurs to him that this is only a half life . But then , the spirits would kill for half a life . The plate falls away and he spits the wooden wedge from his mouth . His tongue sticks out , tasting the salt in the air . He flexes his jaw , taking in the blue sky , the white clouds , the gentle waves . He smiles at the captain . Other than the crew 's swords there is very little compelling him . Finally , the captain 's annoyance at the delay shows on his face . He focuses on ship on the horizon . He tries not to think of the men on the ship . He knows he will have to answer for his actions one day , but he 's trying to postpone that day for as long as possible . " I 'm fine . Sorry . " The cabby 's eyes dart from the road to the rearview mirror and back . " I 'm good . I 'm okay . " The cabby 's eyes return to the road and stay there , Lawrence was prepared to keep reassuring him for the rest of the drive as long as he didn 't take his eyes off the road . " That jetlag 's a bitch , isn 't it ? " " Yeah , jetlag . " He doesn 't really feel like talking so he looks out the window . What he sees unsettles him so much that he almost closes his eyes again . Outside the cab desert stretched on for miles . When he 'd met the cabby at the airport he 'd been fine . They 'd been in the middle of a city . He preferred the buildings and people to the endless dry expanse . He tried to think of it as a sea of earth but it just made him queasy . He can 't help it , he closes his eyes . " We 're almost there , " the cabby rouses him . " If I 'd of known I wouldn 't have let you sleep at all . You wouldn 't believe how many people fall asleep in my cab from the airport . " The cabby keeps up a steady stream of chitchat for the next few minutes . Lawrence doesn 't say much , but he 's glad for the distraction . " Here we go , buddy . " He pulls up in front of an independent diner . Lawrence can tell the sign was made with care when it was painted , years in the desert sun has faded it badly . " They got good food here ? " " I don 't know . This is my first time here . " He pays the fare and steps out of the air - conditioned interior . His lips are immediately dry and cracked . The heat cuts him to the core as fast as it dried his lips , the urge to speak rises in him . He needs to escape this heat , he 's drowning in dryness . He rushes inside hoping that they 'll have air - conditioning . No such luck . The interior of the restaurant is as faded as the exterior . He seats himself , impatiently tapping his foot waiting for the waitress . He can hear the sound of the wind . Not the dry , lifeless wind of the desert , but the damp , alive wind of the storm . It 's calling to him , begging him to call out . He licks his lips with a tongue he can barely feel . He can 't help himself , the desert is antithesis for him . Why had he decided to come here ? To satisfy some adolescent curiosity ? He takes one long , shuttering breath . " The special , two of them , just bring me a pitcher of water . " His throat feels so dry . He has to speak now before he loses his chance . " Hmph ! " With blurry vision he watches her flounce back to the kitchen . He grabs the edge of the table to steady himself . He 's clenching his jaw by the time she comes back with a glass for him . He swallows half of it . The cool liquid fills him , calming him . Vision clears , hands stop shaking , the urge lessening . The torrent of wind in his ears shifts to a gentle breeze . How close had he come ? The waitress turns to leave again , he grabs her arm . " Can I get you anything else ? " She says it in such a way that makes Lawrence wonder if it 's actually a question . She tired of him he can tell . She 's too used to bullying the locals . He doesn 't trying to be nice to her , he just takes out a fifty and lays it on the table . " This is your tip if you keep bringing me pitchers of water . " Her eyes gleam slightly as she stares at the bill on the table . Slowly she puts the pitcher on the table . " Thank you . " He drains the rest of his glass and pours another . He finishes this one in three huge gulps . He doesn 't feel as trapped now , his breathing has evened out . He fills the glass a third time , finishing off the pitcher , but only sips this one . A couple minutes pass , the waitress brings his two specials and another pitcher . Lawrence only picks at his food . Between the desert and the age of the equipment in the diner the food is completely dry . Mainly he just cuts up the food and moves it around on his plate . Mainly he watches the people in the restaurant . He immediately discounts his waitress . Seeing her move around the diner , speaking with her , she 's spent most of her life trying to get away from this place . It 's a pity that she 'd never really feel like she belongs anywhere . An old man sits in another booth . He is weathered , his countenance telling the story of a life in the desert . Despite the heat of the day he 's drinking coffee . Lawrence would have considered him a likely candidate if his research didn 't tell him he is looking for someone younger . Besides the old man doesn 't look like he belongs here , only that he 's gotten used to living here . It 's an old style diner setup , so Lawrence can see the cook behind the half wall separating the kitchen from the dining area . Cook would be a wonderful job for who he 's looking for . The heat rising from the stove providing a fix for the cravings while at work . Though nothing compared to the natural heat of the desert it would do while at work . Unfortunately the cook is wearing a sleeveless shirt that 's plastered to his body with sweat . Lawrence 's heart falls . He 's not close enough to the cook to pick up a flow from him , but the fact that he 's sweating tells him all he needs to know . It 's possible his sources were wrong . It 's not easy to track a Bearer . The burden / gift they bear making it too hard to get a fix on them . He 's about to get up , throwing the contents of his glass down his throat , when the kitchen door swings open and a young man steps through . Lawrence puts his cup down and watches him . Something in the way he moves is different . Somehow his movements come off as light , almost bouncy . Even just clearing dishes from tables , his movements are quick , precise . He wears a t - shirt , jeans , and boots , all are cheap , but he still has an air of status . Lawrence notes that he 's not sweating . He looks up , checking for more stray dishes . Lawrence motions him over . " You finished with this , mister ? " Lawrence inhales and catches the scent of aged stone . " Sorry , mister , I 'm just here for the dishes . You 'll want to try Craiper St . around ten tonight . " He grabs a plate , Lawrence grabs his wrist . Sun … Heat … Dry … Sand … Lawrence pulls his hand away , palm red . Perspiration stands out on the young man 's brow now , fear in his eyes . He slides into the booth across from Lawrence . Lawrence pours another glass of water and waits for the boy to say something . " I 'm on break ! " She throws up her hands and goes back into the kitchen . Tito smiles at Lawrence . " Let 's go outside . " Lawrence downs his water and follows him out and around the diner . " I 'm Benjamin Fuller , but everyone calls me , Tito . Now who the hell are you ? " It 's a fair question . If he doesn 't know what he is then he 's probably really freaked out . Lawrence can 't blame him , he 's been there . " Ha , not likely , man . " Tito looks skeptical , very skeptical . There 's at least fifteen years between them . And while Tito isn 't a full blooded Mexican , Lawrence can tell at least one of his parents is , while Lawrence couldn 't be more white without being an albino . It 's hard to believe . " I don 't mean biologically . I mean spiritually . " Tito 's face is instantly serious . " You can feel it , can 't you ? That subtle , tickling at the back of your brain that makes you feel like you know me , even while at your core I unsettle you . " " Yes . " Tito looks so relieved that it breaks Lawrence 's heart . He knows what it 's like to finally have this explained . Lawrence had spent three years in a mental hospital trying to deal by himself . Tito is a strong young man . " Where is there open desert ? " Tito points down an alley . Lawrence starts walking , Tito doesn 't need to be told to follow , he falls into step next to Lawrence careful not to touch him . They come out the other end of the alley seeing open land . For Lawrence it 's as close to nothing as he ever wants to get . Longing fills Tito 's eyes . " I want to share something with you . Watch out there . " Lawrence takes a deep breath and centers himself . The urge to speak has been growing since they stepped out of the diner , the dryness creeping in to all his dark places . Tito 's hands fly up to cover his ears . " Ah ! What the hell ? " FLASH ! BOOM ! The thunder cuts off any further curses . Tito 's gaze is drawn out to the desert , where black storm clouds have formed out of nowhere . The fear is back in his eyes , he retreats till his back hits the wall to the building . " What have you done ? " " I spoke my Word . We 're Word Bearers , Tito . You have your own . Can you feel it ? Deep in core . " Lawrence can see he 's confused . He 's frightened , overwhelmed . FLASHBOOM ! " You can stop this , Tito . Go ahead . Say your Word . I want to hear it . " " I don 't … I 'm not sure . " Confusion and fear war on Tito 's face . Lawrence hopes he won 't run . He didn 't mean to scare the boy . " Of course you 're sure . You 've known it for centuries , you just haven 't spoken it yet . It 's okay . I 'm here with you . " His first step is hesitant , his second is firm , his third is confident . Lawrence realizes he 's holding his breath . Tito looks up at him , he nods . Tito fixes his gaze on the storm . " " There it is . It 's as quiet as Lawrence 's Word is loud , but no less powerful . It 's so beautiful . As Lawrence watches the storm clouds dissipate a tear rolls down his cheek . 2 Dad suffered even from a sight of blood , and he never killed a hen nor slaughtered a pig . But I was aware that once he had donated his blood in the name of my Mum still , because she 'd had a narrow escape on an operating table then . With me a doctor would have my blood tested in a moment : one , two and it 's done . But first they make you ready for rather a time : take a seat , then have a proper finger chosen , though it is always just the one , then they wipe it with spirits until take somewhat sharp like a mini - scalpel . Not everyone can stand the procedure , but I was not against it when a doctor suggested me having my blood tested . She was a likable one , youngish for her age , not married or divorced , probably . And she had no child , I felt it immediately , she had such a look , barren if you want . Possibly for health reasons she could not bear a child or she didn 't find a right man . Or she could have a particular blood group not to have a child with anyone , that 's why she employed at a doctor 's consulting room to make blood tests . And she urged me to have my blood tested . At first I didn 't mind it , the right thing it is , still she didn 't ask my permission . " Just let 's have your blood tested " , she said and left me . She had many things to do I suppose . In doctor 's smocks they walked hither and thither all the time at a clinic there talking over the heads of those waiting , as if one was dead already . And I was still alive and a nurse was preparing to have my blood tested . While she got me ready she was chattering . She said that men were afraid of blood testing nowadays . More and more they refused to do it and ran away sometimes seeing a drop of blood . And one had nothing to fear , there was a couch behind the curtain in a special emergency to lie low , in case one fainted . She pulled the white curtain aside and showed me a couch with dark green leatherette and I shivered all at once : what for they needed my blood ? She suggested me taking off a jacket and rolling up my sleeve , left or right one , I don 't rMy Bio : Mr . Valery Petrovskiy is a journalist and short story writer from Russia . Не is an English Department graduate at Chuvash State University , Cheboksary , graduated in journalism at VKSch Higher School , Moscow and in psychology at Kazan State Technology University . He has been writing prose since 2005 . Some of his writing has been published in The Scrambler , Rusty Typer , BRICKrethoric , NAP Magazine , Literary Burlesque , The Other Room , Curbside Quotidian , DANSE MACABRE , WidowMoon Press , PRIME MINCER , Apocrypha and Abstractions , The Legendary in the USA , and in Australian " Skive " and " Going Down Swinging " magazines . At the moment he is writer - in - residence at Marco Polo Art Mag . It 's dark in here . That 's because I live at the bottom of the jewellery box along with the other outcasts : the tangled necklace with the broken lobster claw and teddy pendant she got for her eleventh birthday , along with the bracelet that 's missing a couple of gem stones . She always says she will have them repaired but never does , preferring to spend the money on more fashionable pieces instead that imitate Asian and Oriental designs . An untrained eye might imagine that they were found by a back - packer on their travels , but they weren 't . They can be bought from any shop on the high - street , and are merely echoes of worlds she 's never seen . Not all of us down here are broken though . I 'm not , and neither is the engagement ring she got from Mark , ( who eventually cheated on her with Shannon from Reception , ) or the belly bar she took out when she put weight on and decided looked too young for her anyway . The ones at the top who get worn more often pity us , ( ' how boring it must be , ' they say to each other in whispers they think we can 't hear , ' being cooped up down there , month in , month out , ' ) but in a way they 're jealous . As I 've said , you could buy them in their hundreds if you wanted to , and they are without sentimental value like the childhood necklace or the belly bar that reminds her of her wild teens and early twenties . They 're easily replaced and she gives them away when they become outdated - or chucks them if even her younger sister and the charity shops say no , thanks . She doesn 't like Mark 's ring or me , so it isn 't often that her fingers dig through the chunky bangles and strings of beads to bring me to the surface . It happens maybe three or four times a year when she has arranged to visit The Matriarch . The ring doesn 't even get a look in . Why Mark wouldn 't let her give it back to him so that he could give it to someone he did love is beyond us ; at least that way it would have been enjoyed . All the same , seeing as I 'm an heirloom and the ring is eighteen carat white goPerhaps you imagine I get bitter when the voices of the favoured ones float above my head , chattering away about their ventures out of the box : days at work , dinners , dates , parties and who was there , who wasn 't there , what she wore … you get the drift . Or worse , maybe you feel sorry for me . I 'd rather you didn 't . Pity the rest but not me . I 'm not so keen on their weight pressing down on me but I don 't mind the dark . In fact I quite like it . It reminds me of home , my real one , from before I met people . As for being bitter , you can rule that out . I 'm a pearl , darling ; it 's not in my nature . You lot have seen me as a symbol of love for thousands of years and I do try to live up to my name by being kind - although I cannot help but wince sometimes at the irony , given that the first person I ever met died . Don 't look at me like that ; it wasn 't my fault . But that 's why she doesn 't like me . All the same , when you 've being kept in a family for over a century you do take an interest in your present owner , even if it 's not reciprocated , so I enjoy listening to the young ones ' gossip . Let them have their fun while they still can . The best they can hope for is a place in a child 's dressing - up box in just a few , short years so they might as well enjoy it . 2 . Memories . I might be old - fashioned and be from a past that she and you would rather forget , but I 'm not like your kind . I will endure and outlive the others , her - even you . And I never forget . My memory doesn 't grow weak with age , it gets stronger . I can still smell what my home was like ; still feel the movements of the person who found me when he panicked and rushed too quickly to the top , and the urgent , grasping hand of the first , but different person to ever touch me , as though I 'd only stopped smelling and feeling them a minute ago . The memories of my owners and the events in their lives play like the films you are so fond of ; the moment when her grandfather proposed to her grandmother , and the christening of her mother , they are a3 . Before she grew up . I suppose you think it strange that her grandmother , ( or The Matriarch as she jokingly calls her , ) skipped a generation and gave me to someone who doesn 't like me , but it never used to be this way . When she was little and used to visit her grandmother she would ask , ( very politely after giving her a peck on the cheek , ) if she could play with her jewellery box . The answer was always yes , and she would very carefully hunt through the diamonds and gold to find me , pin me to her jumper and wear me for the rest of the time she was there . It became something of a ritual , to the point where her grandmother began to pick me out herself and would put me on the coffee table ready for when she arrived . When she was eighteen , The Matriarch had a heart attack , and fearing that she would never leave hospital , insisted on the girl 's mother driving for two hours to get me , so that she could give me to her personally before it was too late . They were very close , and still are in spite of the distance , for she survived against all the odds . Whenever she goes to see her she always comments on how lovely it is , seeing her granddaughter all grown up , wearing her old brooch that 's always been her favourite . And I was for a time . Traditionally I was only worn for a special or significant occasion , but when she was at college I had the strange but enjoyable experience of being put in her pocket and going with her , and if she felt nervous about something her fingers would slide down to stroke me . Normally I hated people manhandling me , but I didn 't mind in her case - it was better than her biting her nails . It was almost as if she thought that having me with her would stop something bad happening - and I have been viewed as ' lucky . ' Stop sniggering , it 's true . In the days of knights and sword - fighting , we would be worn when the rich and noble went into battle because they thought we would protect them from harm , so don 't laugh at her . It felt good , being wanted , and I have to confess I came in danger You don 't like being reminded of your past - those days of glory when Britain ruled half the world . I think that 's why you apologise so much , and give more than you can afford to charities trying to save the poor and starving around the globe . It 's almost as though you 're trying to make up for all the wrongs done before you were born . And I 've tried to avoid talking about it in case you ran away - I get lonely sometimes and it 's nice having someone to talk to . But you can 't run forever , things have to be faced eventually . Some of you may already know and may already be trying to shut out the sound of my words by turning your thoughts to the plans you 've made for the weekend , but there 'll be a lot of you who don 't . There are lots of happy anecdotes from my owners ' lives I could have told you but this is the one you need to hear : My story . We are not like your kind , but there is one thing we have in common : just as you can 't remember coming out of the womb , we don 't know what it was like being a grain of sand or piece of shell squeezing our way inside an oyster and hardening ; all I remember is being . There were no thoughts , for when you live inside a shell there isn 't a great deal to think about - nothing happens . That probably sounds dull to you but there was no sadness , no pain or death . It was peaceful , just being . I didn 't know this at the time but even nothing has to come to an end eventually : the day would always have come when I would be found . It will be hard for you to understand what it was like being taken out of water , hearing sounds , seeing colours and light - all for the first time . On paper it sounds great , this explosion of life , but the reality was frightening - and even fear was something I had never heard of or felt before . Maybe that 's why your newborns usually cry when they come out , because they 're scared and want to go back . I 'm trying to think of ways to describe how it was to you , and the only way I can think of is for you to imagine an ancient Egyptian being placed in the middle of a supermarket . That might give you a better idea , but even that doesn 't come close . I 've learnt a lot since then - ( I 've had to , I didn 't have any other choice - ) but there 's one thing I 've never been able to get my head around , and that is time . Your lives are ruled by clocks and diaries telling you when deadlines or birthdays are due , but when you have so much time whole years , even decades can pass you by . Forgive me then , if I am a little hazy on dates . What I can tell you is that I was brought to the surface in the late 1800s , which makes me special . There aren 't many of us that come from nature now . Most are made by man in bulk on farms . Things changed . You suddenly became concerned about human life and diving equipment got better . Both meant that the world 's poor no were no longer forced to hold their breaths for comments » I knew that someone important was going to walk into my life at 12 : 15 , just after I normally drink tea and prepare for an slow day working on the horoscope . Now , maybe you might not believe me . After all , I am a professional charlatan . But I knew something was up , because for the last two weeks every prediction I have made actually worked out . It started when I saw Mrs Henderson . She was a fat woman , an unpleasant woman , a great client . Like most people who wanted a reading , she didn 't want the truth . And normally I didn 't give it to her . I pulled out the equipment . It was a plain set . It looked like bone china , but was made in china for a very low price . Mrs Henderson looked impressed anyway . She had a lot of money , and not a lot of sense . Anyway , I started reading the information contained in the tea leafs . And then the world went blank . When I returned to the world , Mrs Henderson was gone . I walked out of the shop I had rented , and another of the shopkeepers came up to me . He was normally an quiet , amicable chap . This time he looked like he wanted to throttle me . " She came out of here . Howling and crying , like you 'd tried to kill her . " he put his face up to mine , " You ever do it again and I 'll . . " " I don 't know what you 're talking about , " and I backed away from him . He stalked off . I walked back to my shop , ready to wait for my next appointment . Mrs Abbot didn 't come . She left a nervous message on my answer phone . At the time I didn 't realise why . Because I had no other clients for the day , I went home . My mouth opened wide . It was such a shock , it seemed like I 'd just been told I was about to die . And then . Then I was in my bed , looking at the ceiling . The police officers had gone . But it felt more real than a dream . It must have been a dream . Yeah , that was what it was , I convinced myself . Although I should have known better . In Ireland you can make a full time living as a psychic . less so in England . The English wouldn 't even pay you if you could predict the lottery . So I also work as a pitchman . Which , if you think about it , is just another way to make a dishonest buck . I walked to the nearest boot sale , and set up . It isn 't too crowded in the morning . And everyone is busy . So I crawl in through the hedge . They don 't know that I 'm there against the rules . I set up . My table is old fashioned . A suitcase with legs you fold out . Like the true pitchmen of the 50 's . My pitch is the worm . They wiggle around my hand , like they are alive . The fools in the crowd gave me money . That is what they are for . She had the longest blondest hair this side of fairyland , and her smile lights up the room like a flashlight . And I knew I am meant to talk to her . Just now . She walked off . I had the sense she is in trouble . She was poorer than she used to be , her clothes were expensive , but last years fashion . I had a feeling I will meet her again . When I got there , there was Mrs Henderson and her husband . Their eyes were red . They had been crying . I couldn 't understand what they were there for . I managed to get them to leave . At first I thought that the gossip would help me . But the truth is , no one wants to go to a psychic that tells them the truth . Life is hard enough . You go to a psychic to hear lies . I made some money as a pitchman , so it didn 't affect me too much . But I kept on having bad dreams . I kept on seeing people I knew in them . Not just that , I saw how they died . Their pain . And I started to write down what I saw . In a book by my bedside cabinet . The extra time I had meant I was drinking more too . It was like I 'd been cursed . But the worst was the Christians . They decided that these dreams were inspired by Satan . They set up the picket line in front of my office . I started to think I should simply leave . On Wednesday , the cleaner came in . She was a nosy parker . And no mistake . Her husband had died a few years back , and she was interested in everything . While it 's not the way she put it , she was very interested in the diary . All the details of the different murders and deaths I 'd seen . All the factual details that no one else other than the murderer could know . She took it to the police , and they read it , and they got their warrant . I arrived back at the normal time , and nothing was different . The book was there . I didn 't notice the surveillance cameras . Not at all . They broke in that night . It wasn 't a dream . And I looked up to them bleary eyed , a gun pointing in my face , and swore . They dragged me towards the back of the car , and I noticed someone had decided to give the press warning . So it was very public . Once in , they took me right there . And kitted me out in fetching jail clothing , since I was still in pyjamas . This was the first time I was in jail , and I can tell you it is not as bad as some people say . There is an odd vinegar smell , hiding other bodily fluids . And it is never quiet . There is always shouting going on , and doors slammed . But it was no worse than some hotels I 've been in while performing . I looked across at my lawyer . Short , thin , balding and bored . The police officer had my diary in front of him . He picked it up . " In it , you 've got the details of dozens of murders . Information the police hasn 't released to the public . Information . . . dare I say it , in some cases that the police didn 't even know themselves . " And that was it . That was the full content of the interview . I was hustled off into the cell , and ended up waiting for days . In telephone conversations with friends , I knew the police were digging up my life . I was given a notebook , and a pen , and I continued to write down my dreams . I thought I might as well . The police would search my cell every now and again , and confiscate them . They even moved me to solitary . Made sure no one could be feeding me this information . Or , presumably , that I wasn 't ordering the killings . But the dreams continued . They were getting worse and worse . Every morning I woke up feeling like I had not slept . I guess at least things looked up , because they took me from prison . They drove me along country lanes , towards a building . I can 't tell you precisely where it was . It just looked like an old school to be honest . You 'd never have guessed it was an intelligence headquarters . They bundled me out into an empty building . You 've heard of the secret prisons . Well , they are true . They dressed me up in a uniform , tagged my ankle , and locked me in a cage . The only thing they gave me was some paper and a pen to write down my dreams . Sometimes people came to research me . They put me in scanners , and gave me all kinds of medical tests . The results were unsurprising . I was just a normal , healthy individual . And that was how it seemed I was destined to live for the rest of my life . Until I started to hear the voices . They were low . Just like someone was talking in the next room . Distant . And I couldn 't make them out . That night I was tossing and turning , and I heard someone shout out my name . I woke up . No one was there . Then I tried to get asleep again , and managed it . But the voice was insistent . Nothing answered me . The guards walked past my cell . But with the dreams and the voices , I was getting no sleep . It started to affect me so badly I would not even eat food . Within a few days I was exhausted . Mentally and physically drained . And I guess that is what the creatures wanted . Because soon they broke through . It 's hard to tell you how it felt . But if you have ever had a moment of shock , when you suddenly feel like you aren 't there , you 'll know . He said his name . And then the voice faded away . But I knew I had to do precisely what he told me . I 'd go mad otherwise . Maybe I was already mad . The opportunity came sooner than I expected . My handlers were getting anxious . I was producing less predictions than normal , and the federal conviction rate was plummeting through the floor . The handlers looked like model citizens . Dark suits , a man and a woman dressed formally , like they were lawyers . They flashed their badge to me . I don 't know why , the fact I was in a prison gave them away . The police officer fell back . You could see him working it through in his mind . Despite the success of my predictions , he settled on the conclusion I was mad . After all , psychic phenomena were impossible . He 'd read that once . I shook my head . But that night , I was thinking about it , and decided that I had to ask . Had to have a conversation , if only for my sanity . When the voices started up , I leaned forward in my bed . I asked the question again . But he would say nothing of use to me . he would only repeatedly ask me to find his killers . Not very useful . Eventually , I managed to coax his name from him . Nigel . Not a very good name for a joke . That was the strange thing . No murder victims of that name came up . Not any time soon . But a week later , a Nigel disappeared . And I realised the truth . I looked through the court reports . He had been killed by stabbing . They wouldn 't let me out of the jail . So all I could do was read the files they brought on him . And I got the feeling that many of the details had been redacted . it was like looking for a haystack in an elephant : messy and not very satisfactory . There were only two people I decided who could have done it . They both had a great deal to gain . At the end of the day , though , there is a limit to what you can do from inside a jail cell . The guards looked sceptically at me when I asked for it . But I was responsible for half the murder arrests in the district for the last six months . So they eventually gave me what I wanted . Especially when I refused to furnish them with any more information . I don 't know if you have ever been to a proper séance . Well , to be honest , most of the time the knocks are from the medium . But this time it was different . Within moments of the séance starting , I was aware that the room was colder . Then the entire board lifted off the table , and flew towards me . It hit the wall a few inches from my face . The room warmed up again . The presence was gone . For a little while . " I didn 't " I replied . I knew that he didn 't believe me . But he would have to show more senior people . And I knew they couldn 't afford to risk me . I went back to bed . For the first time in weeks , I had no bad dreams . I guess Nigel knew I understood his message . I slept very soundly . Until the next morning . But my guards didn 't really understand . Or they did not want to understand . My handler met me in the interview room the next morning . He looked tired . Besides him sat a man I hadn 't seen before . He wore the cleanest , most expensive suit I had seen during my stay at the states pleasure . The man stood up . He walked out of the room . Measured , and without menace . But he didn 't seem to be a man used to dealing with no . My handler shook his head . He didn 't need to tell me the consequences . All of a sudden , I was put on suicide watch . Woken up every thirty minutes to see if I wasn 't dead yet . The heating in my cell surprisingly broke . I knew I was in their hands totally . But I never realised what it was like to displease them . You see , Nigel might be a ghost , but that doesn 't mean he is stupid . He can see what is happening . He knows they are stopping me doing what he wants . And this gets him angry . They first times he acted , it looked like coincidence . The guards chair would tilt under him , depositing him on the floor . Or cups of coffee were not placed firmly enough on the table . The guards were spooked by me . They knew that I was able to see things they could not . But although the guards face became pale , his hand on the trigger was steady and firm . It was too late . The chair slammed into the guard . He dropped to the floor . Then I saw the guards keys float from his pocket . My cell door was unlocked . I walked over to the guard , stripped his clothes off , and changed into his uniform . I thought I didn 't have much of a choice . If I didn 't do what Nigel wanted he would kill me . Every door I came to slid open without me doing anything . It would have been creepy if I didn 't know what was happening . Soon the alarms started to ring out . People would be grabbing their guns , getting ready to shoot me . I could feel my heart trying to escape from my chest . I soon arrived at fire exit . It opened in front of me . I climbed down some steps . Below me , I could see coppers swarming . I continued to walk down . One of the coppers recognised me . I ran in the opposite direction . He took aim , and I could hear the gun explode behind me . But the bullet didn 't pierce my skin like I expected . Instead , it ended in the ground . I reached a police car , and the engine came on without anyone doing anything . Then I went into a store and bought black trousers and a white shirt . Got changed . And walked out of the shopping centre , expecting to be caught at any time . In my pocket there was five hundred dollars . That was all I had in the world , except for an insane ghost . I decided it was time to go to the library . After chatting to the librarian for a few seconds , she walked me over to a computer which had copies of the local papers for the last twenty years . I typed a search . At first I found nothing , but as I expanded the search back I found him . According to the interview , he was found murdered in his bed . He had been asleep . His wife had been charged and convicted of his murder . But she said she was innocent . Nothing came in response . I knew that would happen . It was too much to hope for . It was getting late at night . The librarian was fussing near me . It was time to go . When you are a fugitive , it isn 't as simple to find a place to stay as booking a room in a hotel . I walked round , looking for an empty house . It took me an hour . Occasionally a police car would go past . It made me nervous . At one time it would have been a posh bungalow . But whoever had owned it had been taken to a care home , and it was covered in weeds and neglect . I walked up to the door , and it swings open . That is one of the advantages of your own private poltergeist . Inside it was a mess . But dry and water proof . There was a wood burning stove in one room . The power was off , and Nigel didn 't turn it on . But the water was only off at the mains . It was easy enough to get it working again . In the morning I would have to start the process of searching for Nigel Slater . I knew roughly where he lived . I fell asleep , and woke up hungry and cramped . Outside , I could hear rustling . I peeked through the window , and could see a man dressed only in black . He looked like he was not very friendly . I ducked down , but he must have seen me . He edged towards the door . It was locked , but he slammed it open . I hid behind the sofa . it didn 't help . He walked towards me . I noticed he had a poker in his hand . There was no way he wouldn 't find me . I stood up . I looked over at him . He had a long scar down his face . it seemed like he was used to trouble . And he was straining to start a fight . I did what he said . He followed me . I thought he might hit me at any second . or recognise me . They must have put my picture out into the news by now . I sighed with relief , but knew that my location might be passed onto the police . I decided it was time to get out of the town . I caught a bus , and tried to hide my face . Since I hadn 't had a bath for a few days it was easier than you might think . People did not want to look me in the eyes . I arrived at Nigel 's house six hours latter . It was a solemn house . A plane front garden laid to grass , brick frontage , and white windows . It didn 't look like anyone had ever cared for it . It looked like it was a place to sleep and not to stay . It took me a few minutes to settle down , and watch the street . There was nothing extraordinary about it . A few people walked past , taking little interest in the stranger . After watching for half an hour , I knew there was little information here for me . Talking round the local shops I found out that Nigel had been a quiet man . Few people knew him , past his saying hello . he didn 't seem to have been involved in anything wrong . or indeed in anything at all . I decided that there could only really have been one source of trouble . He must have found out something at work . Something that made him worth more to someone dead than alive . I got some annual reports from his company and studied them . Amazing what is available on the internet these days . There was little of interest . I applied to work at Nigel 's company as a cleaner . it was a big risk . I supplied false references , and knew they would not check them for months . That 's the thing about cleaners . No one takes any notice . So I got the job , and examined the work place thoroughly . It looked like an office . The computers were always on . Once or twice I looked over the shoulder of someone working but it was all gobbledygook to me . To make it worse , I saw my face on the newspaper when I went for food . Sure , I looked a lot different now . I had grown longer hair , a beard , and was thinner . But it was still me . I grew suspicious of other people . Then came my big break . Several people were working in the office late . I overhead them speaking about a billion dollar deal . The company was getting bought out . I checked the internet , and there was something in the trade section . The routine was the same every day . But one of my colleagues had not turned up to work . So I was asked to clean the main office . I did so . But I did more than that , I broke into the file cabinets , and started reading company secrets . But that didn 't save me for long . The next day I arrived at work a few minutes earlier . Something told me that things were wrong . The security guard on the gate was new . He told me to go out to the bosses office . I walked into a small lab , and looked around . There was a window , and I tried to open it . In the distance I could see five police cars . The window wouldn 't open . There was only one way out . And I knew that by now , there would be police officers between me and the door . I looked round to find a chair . Then used it to break the window . The alarm went , and I slid through the empty hole . But I caught my shoulder on a shard of glass . I was bleeding . The police gave up their pretence . Dozens of sirens started up , heading towards the building . I ran through a green space . I knew that there was only one way out of the compound except the front gate . A hole in the fence I had noticed a few days earlier . But over head their was a helicopter . Although I ran like the wind , it wasn 't enough . I could hear the police men getting closer and closer . I turned around and saw two police officers . They both had guns pointed at me . I raised my hands , and they soon had me on the ground . I arrived at my destination a few hours latter . This time they were taking no chances . I arrived at a super maximum prison . Surrounded by barbed wire , dogs , and armed police officers it was obvious I 'd never get out . The next day the interrogation began . Again and Again . Asking me where I had gone . What I had done . I eventually broke down and told them everything . But that didn 't stop them continuing . Maybe what they were doing was no crime . But it was a form of torture . Eventually , the interrogations stopped . They gave me paper . They wanted to go back to how it used to be . But by that time I had got so angry , even when I did have a dream I kept it to myself . I wasn 't there . So all I can do is repeat the report that was made to me . No guarantee it is what happened . Apparently the director of the FBI had been having an extramarital affair . He was in bed that normal , and engaging in exercise at the same time . This was not expected , but what was even more unexpected was the windows opening wide . And the explosions of a gun . The director of the FBI 's gun . But I do know that it made the national news . The assistant director of the FBI resigned . And , to be frank , most of the people in the FBI did not care much about that . But it was fair warning . He didn 't seem to be exactly happy about what had happened . In fact , he stormed in to the visiting room , and let loose a barrage of swear words . I sat there passively , listening to him . When he calmed down sufficiently , he sat down . " Nigel was right . All he wants is his murderer found . But he isn 't going to stop . Not until that is done . Not even if he has to kill someone else to do it . " " No . I am not . Nigel is a threat to you . If you stand in the way , that is . He is a ghost . What can you do to get rid of him ? " The director of the FBI thought for a few seconds . An hour latter , a priest turned up with bell , book and candle . it didn 't work spectacularly . The power went off , the candle blew out , the bell rang , and the book was thrown across the room . The director gestured to the mirror and two toughs walked in . They carried some rope . They tied me to the chair , and lifted a cosh over their heads . Then all hell broke lose . The cosh swung back by itself . it raised into the air , and came down , laying out one of the thugs . The other caught me a glancing blow , but something unseen lifted him from the floor and threw him against the wall . " You have a choice . Director . Help find Nigel 's killer . Or , I think , Nigel will chase you down and gut you like a fish . " Eventually the Director settled down again . He sat in his chair , silently looking at me . I wasn 't a pretty picture . Thin , and in prison coveralls . I must have looked like a real criminal . They let me go that afternoon . Put me in a suit , and told me I was seconded to the FBI . I was even given my own agent . He was tall , thin , and looked every inch the government man . The agent shook his head . He gave nothing away . That was when I knew he wasn 't sent to help me . Just to keep an eye out on me . Nevertheless , I decided that I could use him . Like he wanted to use me . I looked over to him , and told him to get a warrant . We were going to search Nigel 's company . And read every damn bit of paper they had about Sigma . When we arrived at the door , they had their lawyer sorted out already . Someone must have leaked it . He looked like he had cost a lot of money . " I 'm afraid we have the right not to incriminate ourselves . We are asserting that right . Both as a company , and as individuals . So , no , you can ask any questions but we will not answer them . " I was surprised when I found the clue . It was something no one else would have noticed . A single envelope in the bin . It contained an address . I think Nigel must have been helping me . I was drawn to it . But the thing I noticed was the fact the address had a Sigma stamp . Once we were out of the building , I decided to break away from the FBI agent . I knew some things would work better on my own . it was easier said than done . When I tried to go for a walk that night , he insisted on staying right by me . Getting to the address was difficult . I didn 't have a car , I had to take the bus . Most of the journey there wasn 't even that . And it had began to rain . I must have looked odd , walking around town that late at night , soaked . In fact , I surprised no copper stopped me . " Good enough , " I said . Knowing I was lying as I said it . It wasn 't like it was my strong point . The expression on the coppers face showed he thought not either . He stood there behind me his mouth opened , as I shimmied the lock . it opened . I walked in . This was a mistake , I didn 't notice the small CCTV camera , the camera that was hidden in a plug socket . But it was sending my picture right up to the security office . I worked quickly , going up the stairs to the office . I don 't know what I had expected to see . But what I did see looked just like any other office . Even down to the half drunk cup of coffee . I woke up in the boot of a car . I could feel the engine running , and smell burning petrol . It was pick black . The car started off , bumping along the ground . Hitting me from side to side . My hands were tied behind my back . It was lucky I knew a little magic . I got the knot loose without much effort . Then I grovelled around the car to find something , anything that could help me . There was a wrench , which I picked up . I put the rope around my wrists , hiding the fact I was loose . And put the wrench in my pocket . The boot of the car swung open . One of the security guards lifted me out of the boot . He was covered in muscle . My mouth opened wide . That was the last thing I expected to hear . They marched me along the ground and I saw him for the first time . Nigel . Alive . Then the room went strange . Something turned the lights off , and opened the windows . It even raised a chair off the ground . The security guard looked worried for the first time . " For the last month , I have been searching for the person who killed Nigel Slater . You , sir , are Nigel Slater . But it seems your ghost hasn 't got the information you are alive . " But it didn 't work . By the time that the ambulance arrived , Nigel was in a deep coma . It took only a short time after that until the first homicide detective got there . But the truth is , it was fate . No ones fault . Except the murderer . After all , how can Nigel Slater 's ghost come into my dreams unless he is actually killed ? What happened next surprised me . The cops arrested me . Told me I was being held on suspicion of murder . I told them not to be idiots , but they wrote it in their notebooks and not their minds . By that point the clues would be getting stale , so I drove right to the company . But they wouldn 't let me in . it was a police investigation , they said . No dice . I called the FBI agent and asked him to run the full scan on Slater . By the time he had finished I would know every single family member . And all I had to do was interview them . The only clue left to me was Sigma . The company was closed for a few hours , but the managing director wasn 't . Again the FBI came to my rescue . They had the address , and I wasn 't afraid to use it . We walked up the garden path . It wasn 't the most luxurious house that a managing director had ever lived at . But I knocked on the door anyway . I walked in . Behold , the group was all there . The director of the FBI himself . The attorney general . And a four star general . I could feel the back of my assistant straightening up . The Managing Director pressed a button on the TV . It switched on . Nigel Slater 's office . I saw him pick up his glass . Put the chemicals in it . The MD fast forwarded . Nigel killed himself . " Oil . We got him to produce computer models . All the oil reserves . He was so great . . . well , he could produce a program that told us exactly where oil was , just from satellite images . " Just at that moment a dozen armed guards came into the room . Their guns were pointed right at me . I raised my hands , and was soon plunged into the carpet . They searched me . Didn 't find anything interesting . " Yeah . But I don 't think you did it . I don 't think you were that smart . But I don 't know what this being who calls himself Nigel Slater is , " I didn 't struggle . By now , them putting handcuffs on me was almost routine . I just wish I had been able to continue my life as a charlatan . I didn 't know what to say to that . it was true . it was obvious when you think about it . Nigel had told me he was murdered when he was still alive . but no one ever said the soul was bound to the arrow of time . Within a few minutes we had picked up an escort . From what I could tell , they had closed the road down . Only we were travelling that evening . I gulped . It looked like things were just about to head for the worse . The trip to the Whitehouse was the most fraught I had experienced in my life . The director of the FBI was reading faxes and emails in the car . His face was getting more and more pale . " I guess like the English did in WWII . With disinformation . We need to get an Chinese agent and feed him bad info . And I guess Nigel might be your best hope for that . " I guess the FBI director caught on quickly . Because he could go anywhere , Nigel could listen to the Chinese chatter . He could find Chinese agents . Maybe he didn 't know Chinese , but he knew enough to listen in to the English language conversations . It wasn 't a new concept . The CIA had investigated it in the sixties . But they didn 't have a real life ghost , so their experiments failed . This time we had a real ghost . I asked them to pick out the Ouija board again . The séance room was a sight you had never seen in your life . The president and the director of the FBI holding hands , in a dark room . The president of the united states shook his head . You could tell he couldn 't believe what he was seeing . He got up from his seat , and you could almost hear his bones cracking . Over in the corner of the room I could see a computer with satellite images . I could watch the Chinese fleet mobilising in real time . The number of dots that represented aircraft carriers alone was scary . " It will only be a few days before we have to mobilise our own navy . " The wait was excruciating . But suddenly five hours latter , the board started spelling out a name . The FBI director went to work . Within minutes they had the file out . He didn 't look like what you would expect of a Chinese agent . He had long , blonde hair , was dressed in a respectable suit , and had a respectable job . He worked in the old navy base . His job was to work on the files , reading sensitive military information . Including information about resource allocation . Once they checked his bank account the truth became obvious . The FBI director stood up , and paced down the long thin corridor . Then he arrived back in the meeting room with a young woman . She was dressed in military uniform . He explained the plan . It was simple . The Chinese agent needed to think it had all been a hoax . But for that to work , he would have to eat a pack of lies . I wasn 't there , so I can report only what I have been told . The female agent I had been introduced to worked in the old navy headquarters . She worked in the files there . It is a room full of top secret papers . Room might be the wrong word ; it was the size of an aircraft hanger . She worked there , and had spent months being bored . So naturally , she had struck up a conversation with the handsome blonde military attaché . And , the conversation was reciprocated . The director of the FBI looked at her . She didn 't look like much to put the freedom of the world onto . But she was eager . And after being told what to do , she didn 't complain . She saluted . I stood at the back of the room , watching the Director of the FBI feeling out the officer , and knew I would have to talk to Nigel alone . I didn 't trust her . She looked too good to be true with her starched uniform and willing smile . The new agent went into a staff car , to be driven to the headquarters . She looked very lonely in the back of the car . Meanwhile , we walked to the operations room . There was a banks of monitors the length of the room . We could see satellite images of the build up of the Chinese fleet , as well as real time updates of our spies . I nodded . Then looked back over to the screens . I could see our agent depositing the papers in her draw . She phoned up the Chinese agent , and set up dinner . It looked like a glorious feast . Roast duck , with all the trimmings . The doorbell went . She walked over to it , and opened it . She said something , and the Chinese agent walked into the room . After ten minutes of conversation , she walked away . To go to the toilet . He walked over to the draws , and started rummaging . After a few minutes he found the file our agent had left . He took out the smallest camera you have ever seen , and clicked the image . After that , he put the files away . After he left , the confirmation came thick and fast . The Chinese fleet disbanded . It was amazing to see , but they split up within a matter of hours . Soon the sea around Taiwan was empty except for commercial shipping . I guess that if this had been a story that would be it . I would have been given a party , a celebration , and been allowed to leave . After all , I had saved the day . Well , Nigel did leave . I haven 't heard from him since . After they had finished celebrating , a guard collected me , and drove me in a prison van to here . It is a cold concrete cell . I am allowed a TV , and to write carefully vetted letters . I 'm not sure how I will post this , my story . Maybe I will write it under the postage stamp . I guess for an old crook like me , it is fair . But I wish I had been sent to jail for something I did . And not for some trumped up terrorist charge . Currently we only offer payment for one story selected as the feature story in the monthly pdf magazine only . The successful author will be contacted to organise payment via paypal for a $ 5AUD payment . 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The ship swayed and creaked . He feels every bit of it in his body . Taking no chances the crew , damnedable pirates , have chained him with no give . Legs bound in a kneeling position , arms chained to either wall crucifying him to the ship like a perverse figurehead , he 's been their captive long enough to have forgotten the feel of kindness . It is a small blessing that their fear of him keeps his gag in place at all times . It keeps them from coming anywhere near him . The captain learned a long time ago that he gleans all he needs to live from the moisture in the air , the brine in his eyes . During storms , when he is strongest , the captain posts guards with him . They don 't look at him . A terrible hope fills him today . By the movement of the ship and the crew 's curses , he knows that they 're being pursued by another ship . This ship is a runner , fast . There 'd be little concern of capture if the ship did not gain its quickness from being light , gain its lightness from having little room for armaments or supplies . The pursuers have had them going for a week now and they 'd been out of port for at least a month . He knows from the panic in the crew that the food is all but gone . Soon they 'll be too weak to load what small guns are aboard . He 'd be surprised if they could remember how to sight the cannons it 's been so long since the captain has ordered them used . His hope stems from the pirates ' desperation . If they succumb to practicality then they 'll come for him . With frightened hearts and shaking hands , they 'll undo his chains and he 'll get to spend some time under the sky instead of under foot . So he waits for their desperation to bloom practicality . It does not take long . The first mate comes with three guards and the keys . It is always the first mate that comes to get him . The captain coming himself would make him a person that the captain fears , he wouldn 't last long once that got out among the crew . The first mate is the only one he trusts with the keys to his chains . " The captain wants to see you . " He speaks with a unique accent that comes with the ship 's pidgin of French , Spanish , and Greek . His ears hear the gibberish , but his mind provides him with the meaning . Slowly , they unchain his arms from the ship and secure them behind his back . The guards are afraid to touch him , unsure whether he 'll break or they 'll be infected with something . It strikes him as odd how religious some of these men are . Coming onto the deck , sea spray hits him in the face , covers his bare chest . He instantly feels more alive . He stands taller , muscles flex , the chains bite into his skin . They take him to the captain , standing at the aft of the ship . He stands beside the captain looking out at the wide ocean , the only thing marring their perfect view of the horizon the pursuers . The first mate and guards fold themselves into the three other men standing around them . The captain just stands there for a few minutes , ignoring him . This too is done to show the crew he will do this in his own time , to show that the man he keeps below decks does not frighten him . Around the gag , behind the locked mouth plate , he smiles . Only he and the captain know what he is , and he knows that the captain is frightened of that . " I have use of you . " From under his coat he draws out the key that only he is allowed to keep . He inserts into lock for the face plate . " If you hurt this ship my men will stab you and you will die before you can swim for freedom . Like always , yeah ? " He nods . It 's always the same threat . It vaguely occurs to him that this is only a half life . But then , the spirits would kill for half a life . The plate falls away and he spits the wooden wedge from his mouth . His tongue sticks out , tasting the salt in the air . He flexes his jaw , taking in the blue sky , the white clouds , the gentle waves . He smiles at the captain . Other than the crew 's swords there is very little compelling him . Finally , the captain 's annoyance at the delay shows on his face . He focuses on ship on the horizon . He tries not to think of the men on the ship . He knows he will have to answer for his actions one day , but he 's trying to postpone that day for as long as possible . " I 'm fine . Sorry . " The cabby 's eyes dart from the road to the rearview mirror and back . " I 'm good . I 'm okay . " The cabby 's eyes return to the road and stay there , Lawrence was prepared to keep reassuring him for the rest of the drive as long as he didn 't take his eyes off the road . " That jetlag 's a bitch , isn 't it ? " " Yeah , jetlag . " He doesn 't really feel like talking so he looks out the window . What he sees unsettles him so much that he almost closes his eyes again . Outside the cab desert stretched on for miles . When he 'd met the cabby at the airport he 'd been fine . They 'd been in the middle of a city . He preferred the buildings and people to the endless dry expanse . He tried to think of it as a sea of earth but it just made him queasy . He can 't help it , he closes his eyes . " We 're almost there , " the cabby rouses him . " If I 'd of known I wouldn 't have let you sleep at all . You wouldn 't believe how many people fall asleep in my cab from the airport . " The cabby keeps up a steady stream of chitchat for the next few minutes . Lawrence doesn 't say much , but he 's glad for the distraction . " Here we go , buddy . " He pulls up in front of an independent diner . Lawrence can tell the sign was made with care when it was painted , years in the desert sun has faded it badly . " They got good food here ? " " I don 't know . This is my first time here . " He pays the fare and steps out of the air - conditioned interior . His lips are immediately dry and cracked . The heat cuts him to the core as fast as it dried his lips , the urge to speak rises in him . He needs to escape this heat , he 's drowning in dryness . He rushes inside hoping that they 'll have air - conditioning . No such luck . The interior of the restaurant is as faded as the exterior . He seats himself , impatiently tapping his foot waiting for the waitress . He can hear the sound of the wind . Not the dry , lifeless wind of the desert , but the damp , alive wind of the storm . It 's calling to him , begging him to call out . He licks his lips with a tongue he can barely feel . He can 't help himself , the desert is antithesis for him . Why had he decided to come here ? To satisfy some adolescent curiosity ? He takes one long , shuttering breath . " The special , two of them , just bring me a pitcher of water . " His throat feels so dry . He has to speak now before he loses his chance . " Hmph ! " With blurry vision he watches her flounce back to the kitchen . He grabs the edge of the table to steady himself . He 's clenching his jaw by the time she comes back with a glass for him . He swallows half of it . The cool liquid fills him , calming him . Vision clears , hands stop shaking , the urge lessening . The torrent of wind in his ears shifts to a gentle breeze . How close had he come ? The waitress turns to leave again , he grabs her arm . " Can I get you anything else ? " She says it in such a way that makes Lawrence wonder if it 's actually a question . She tired of him he can tell . She 's too used to bullying the locals . He doesn 't trying to be nice to her , he just takes out a fifty and lays it on the table . " This is your tip if you keep bringing me pitchers of water . " Her eyes gleam slightly as she stares at the bill on the table . Slowly she puts the pitcher on the table . " Thank you . " He drains the rest of his glass and pours another . He finishes this one in three huge gulps . He doesn 't feel as trapped now , his breathing has evened out . He fills the glass a third time , finishing off the pitcher , but only sips this one . A couple minutes pass , the waitress brings his two specials and another pitcher . Lawrence only picks at his food . Between the desert and the age of the equipment in the diner the food is completely dry . Mainly he just cuts up the food and moves it around on his plate . Mainly he watches the people in the restaurant . He immediately discounts his waitress . Seeing her move around the diner , speaking with her , she 's spent most of her life trying to get away from this place . It 's a pity that she 'd never really feel like she belongs anywhere . An old man sits in another booth . He is weathered , his countenance telling the story of a life in the desert . Despite the heat of the day he 's drinking coffee . Lawrence would have considered him a likely candidate if his research didn 't tell him he is looking for someone younger . Besides the old man doesn 't look like he belongs here , only that he 's gotten used to living here . It 's an old style diner setup , so Lawrence can see the cook behind the half wall separating the kitchen from the dining area . Cook would be a wonderful job for who he 's looking for . The heat rising from the stove providing a fix for the cravings while at work . Though nothing compared to the natural heat of the desert it would do while at work . Unfortunately the cook is wearing a sleeveless shirt that 's plastered to his body with sweat . Lawrence 's heart falls . He 's not close enough to the cook to pick up a flow from him , but the fact that he 's sweating tells him all he needs to know . It 's possible his sources were wrong . It 's not easy to track a Bearer . The burden / gift they bear making it too hard to get a fix on them . He 's about to get up , throwing the contents of his glass down his throat , when the kitchen door swings open and a young man steps through . Lawrence puts his cup down and watches him . Something in the way he moves is different . Somehow his movements come off as light , almost bouncy . Even just clearing dishes from tables , his movements are quick , precise . He wears a t - shirt , jeans , and boots , all are cheap , but he still has an air of status . Lawrence notes that he 's not sweating . He looks up , checking for more stray dishes . Lawrence motions him over . " You finished with this , mister ? " Lawrence inhales and catches the scent of aged stone . " Sorry , mister , I 'm just here for the dishes . You 'll want to try Craiper St . around ten tonight . " He grabs a plate , Lawrence grabs his wrist . Sun … Heat … Dry … Sand … Lawrence pulls his hand away , palm red . Perspiration stands out on the young man 's brow now , fear in his eyes . He slides into the booth across from Lawrence . Lawrence pours another glass of water and waits for the boy to say something . " I 'm on break ! " She throws up her hands and goes back into the kitchen . Tito smiles at Lawrence . " Let 's go outside . " Lawrence downs his water and follows him out and around the diner . " I 'm Benjamin Fuller , but everyone calls me , Tito . Now who the hell are you ? " It 's a fair question . If he doesn 't know what he is then he 's probably really freaked out . Lawrence can 't blame him , he 's been there . " Ha , not likely , man . " Tito looks skeptical , very skeptical . There 's at least fifteen years between them . And while Tito isn 't a full blooded Mexican , Lawrence can tell at least one of his parents is , while Lawrence couldn 't be more white without being an albino . It 's hard to believe . " I don 't mean biologically . I mean spiritually . " Tito 's face is instantly serious . " You can feel it , can 't you ? That subtle , tickling at the back of your brain that makes you feel like you know me , even while at your core I unsettle you . " " Yes . " Tito looks so relieved that it breaks Lawrence 's heart . He knows what it 's like to finally have this explained . Lawrence had spent three years in a mental hospital trying to deal by himself . Tito is a strong young man . " Where is there open desert ? " Tito points down an alley . Lawrence starts walking , Tito doesn 't need to be told to follow , he falls into step next to Lawrence careful not to touch him . They come out the other end of the alley seeing open land . For Lawrence it 's as close to nothing as he ever wants to get . Longing fills Tito 's eyes . " I want to share something with you . Watch out there . " Lawrence takes a deep breath and centers himself . The urge to speak has been growing since they stepped out of the diner , the dryness creeping in to all his dark places . Tito 's hands fly up to cover his ears . " Ah ! What the hell ? " FLASH ! BOOM ! The thunder cuts off any further curses . Tito 's gaze is drawn out to the desert , where black storm clouds have formed out of nowhere . The fear is back in his eyes , he retreats till his back hits the wall to the building . " What have you done ? " " I spoke my Word . We 're Word Bearers , Tito . You have your own . Can you feel it ? Deep in core . " Lawrence can see he 's confused . He 's frightened , overwhelmed . FLASHBOOM ! " You can stop this , Tito . Go ahead . Say your Word . I want to hear it . " " I don 't … I 'm not sure . " Confusion and fear war on Tito 's face . Lawrence hopes he won 't run . He didn 't mean to scare the boy . " Of course you 're sure . You 've known it for centuries , you just haven 't spoken it yet . It 's okay . I 'm here with you . " His first step is hesitant , his second is firm , his third is confident . Lawrence realizes he 's holding his breath . Tito looks up at him , he nods . Tito fixes his gaze on the storm . " " There it is . It 's as quiet as Lawrence 's Word is loud , but no less powerful . It 's so beautiful . As Lawrence watches the storm clouds dissipate a tear rolls down his cheek . 2 Dad suffered even from a sight of blood , and he never killed a hen nor slaughtered a pig . But I was aware that once he had donated his blood in the name of my Mum still , because she 'd had a narrow escape on an operating table then . With me a doctor would have my blood tested in a moment : one , two and it 's done . But first they make you ready for rather a time : take a seat , then have a proper finger chosen , though it is always just the one , then they wipe it with spirits until take somewhat sharp like a mini - scalpel . Not everyone can stand the procedure , but I was not against it when a doctor suggested me having my blood tested . She was a likable one , youngish for her age , not married or divorced , probably . And she had no child , I felt it immediately , she had such a look , barren if you want . Possibly for health reasons she could not bear a child or she didn 't find a right man . Or she could have a particular blood group not to have a child with anyone , that 's why she employed at a doctor 's consulting room to make blood tests . And she urged me to have my blood tested . At first I didn 't mind it , the right thing it is , still she didn 't ask my permission . " Just let 's have your blood tested " , she said and left me . She had many things to do I suppose . In doctor 's smocks they walked hither and thither all the time at a clinic there talking over the heads of those waiting , as if one was dead already . And I was still alive and a nurse was preparing to have my blood tested . While she got me ready she was chattering . She said that men were afraid of blood testing nowadays . More and more they refused to do it and ran away sometimes seeing a drop of blood . And one had nothing to fear , there was a couch behind the curtain in a special emergency to lie low , in case one fainted . She pulled the white curtain aside and showed me a couch with dark green leatherette and I shivered all at once : what for they needed my blood ? She suggested me taking off a jacket and rolling up my sleeve , left or right one , I don 't rMy Bio : Mr . Valery Petrovskiy is a journalist and short story writer from Russia . Не is an English Department graduate at Chuvash State University , Cheboksary , graduated in journalism at VKSch Higher School , Moscow and in psychology at Kazan State Technology University . He has been writing prose since 2005 . Some of his writing has been published in The Scrambler , Rusty Typer , BRICKrethoric , NAP Magazine , Literary Burlesque , The Other Room , Curbside Quotidian , DANSE MACABRE , WidowMoon Press , PRIME MINCER , Apocrypha and Abstractions , The Legendary in the USA , and in Australian " Skive " and " Going Down Swinging " magazines . At the moment he is writer - in - residence at Marco Polo Art Mag . It 's dark in here . That 's because I live at the bottom of the jewellery box along with the other outcasts : the tangled necklace with the broken lobster claw and teddy pendant she got for her eleventh birthday , along with the bracelet that 's missing a couple of gem stones . She always says she will have them repaired but never does , preferring to spend the money on more fashionable pieces instead that imitate Asian and Oriental designs . An untrained eye might imagine that they were found by a back - packer on their travels , but they weren 't . They can be bought from any shop on the high - street , and are merely echoes of worlds she 's never seen . Not all of us down here are broken though . I 'm not , and neither is the engagement ring she got from Mark , ( who eventually cheated on her with Shannon from Reception , ) or the belly bar she took out when she put weight on and decided looked too young for her anyway . The ones at the top who get worn more often pity us , ( ' how boring it must be , ' they say to each other in whispers they think we can 't hear , ' being cooped up down there , month in , month out , ' ) but in a way they 're jealous . As I 've said , you could buy them in their hundreds if you wanted to , and they are without sentimental value like the childhood necklace or the belly bar that reminds her of her wild teens and early twenties . They 're easily replaced and she gives them away when they become outdated - or chucks them if even her younger sister and the charity shops say no , thanks . She doesn 't like Mark 's ring or me , so it isn 't often that her fingers dig through the chunky bangles and strings of beads to bring me to the surface . It happens maybe three or four times a year when she has arranged to visit The Matriarch . The ring doesn 't even get a look in . Why Mark wouldn 't let her give it back to him so that he could give it to someone he did love is beyond us ; at least that way it would have been enjoyed . All the same , seeing as I 'm an heirloom and the ring is eighteen carat white goPerhaps you imagine I get bitter when the voices of the favoured ones float above my head , chattering away about their ventures out of the box : days at work , dinners , dates , parties and who was there , who wasn 't there , what she wore … you get the drift . Or worse , maybe you feel sorry for me . I 'd rather you didn 't . Pity the rest but not me . I 'm not so keen on their weight pressing down on me but I don 't mind the dark . In fact I quite like it . It reminds me of home , my real one , from before I met people . As for being bitter , you can rule that out . I 'm a pearl , darling ; it 's not in my nature . You lot have seen me as a symbol of love for thousands of years and I do try to live up to my name by being kind - although I cannot help but wince sometimes at the irony , given that the first person I ever met died . Don 't look at me like that ; it wasn 't my fault . But that 's why she doesn 't like me . All the same , when you 've being kept in a family for over a century you do take an interest in your present owner , even if it 's not reciprocated , so I enjoy listening to the young ones ' gossip . Let them have their fun while they still can . The best they can hope for is a place in a child 's dressing - up box in just a few , short years so they might as well enjoy it . 2 . Memories . I might be old - fashioned and be from a past that she and you would rather forget , but I 'm not like your kind . I will endure and outlive the others , her - even you . And I never forget . My memory doesn 't grow weak with age , it gets stronger . I can still smell what my home was like ; still feel the movements of the person who found me when he panicked and rushed too quickly to the top , and the urgent , grasping hand of the first , but different person to ever touch me , as though I 'd only stopped smelling and feeling them a minute ago . The memories of my owners and the events in their lives play like the films you are so fond of ; the moment when her grandfather proposed to her grandmother , and the christening of her mother , they are a3 . Before she grew up . I suppose you think it strange that her grandmother , ( or The Matriarch as she jokingly calls her , ) skipped a generation and gave me to someone who doesn 't like me , but it never used to be this way . When she was little and used to visit her grandmother she would ask , ( very politely after giving her a peck on the cheek , ) if she could play with her jewellery box . The answer was always yes , and she would very carefully hunt through the diamonds and gold to find me , pin me to her jumper and wear me for the rest of the time she was there . It became something of a ritual , to the point where her grandmother began to pick me out herself and would put me on the coffee table ready for when she arrived . When she was eighteen , The Matriarch had a heart attack , and fearing that she would never leave hospital , insisted on the girl 's mother driving for two hours to get me , so that she could give me to her personally before it was too late . They were very close , and still are in spite of the distance , for she survived against all the odds . Whenever she goes to see her she always comments on how lovely it is , seeing her granddaughter all grown up , wearing her old brooch that 's always been her favourite . And I was for a time . Traditionally I was only worn for a special or significant occasion , but when she was at college I had the strange but enjoyable experience of being put in her pocket and going with her , and if she felt nervous about something her fingers would slide down to stroke me . Normally I hated people manhandling me , but I didn 't mind in her case - it was better than her biting her nails . It was almost as if she thought that having me with her would stop something bad happening - and I have been viewed as ' lucky . ' Stop sniggering , it 's true . In the days of knights and sword - fighting , we would be worn when the rich and noble went into battle because they thought we would protect them from harm , so don 't laugh at her . It felt good , being wanted , and I have to confess I came in danger You don 't like being reminded of your past - those days of glory when Britain ruled half the world . I think that 's why you apologise so much , and give more than you can afford to charities trying to save the poor and starving around the globe . It 's almost as though you 're trying to make up for all the wrongs done before you were born . And I 've tried to avoid talking about it in case you ran away - I get lonely sometimes and it 's nice having someone to talk to . But you can 't run forever , things have to be faced eventually . Some of you may already know and may already be trying to shut out the sound of my words by turning your thoughts to the plans you 've made for the weekend , but there 'll be a lot of you who don 't . There are lots of happy anecdotes from my owners ' lives I could have told you but this is the one you need to hear : My story . We are not like your kind , but there is one thing we have in common : just as you can 't remember coming out of the womb , we don 't know what it was like being a grain of sand or piece of shell squeezing our way inside an oyster and hardening ; all I remember is being . There were no thoughts , for when you live inside a shell there isn 't a great deal to think about - nothing happens . That probably sounds dull to you but there was no sadness , no pain or death . It was peaceful , just being . I didn 't know this at the time but even nothing has to come to an end eventually : the day would always have come when I would be found . It will be hard for you to understand what it was like being taken out of water , hearing sounds , seeing colours and light - all for the first time . On paper it sounds great , this explosion of life , but the reality was frightening - and even fear was something I had never heard of or felt before . Maybe that 's why your newborns usually cry when they come out , because they 're scared and want to go back . I 'm trying to think of ways to describe how it was to you , and the only way I can think of is for you to imagine an ancient Egyptian being placed in the middle of a supermarket . That might give you a better idea , but even that doesn 't come close . I 've learnt a lot since then - ( I 've had to , I didn 't have any other choice - ) but there 's one thing I 've never been able to get my head around , and that is time . Your lives are ruled by clocks and diaries telling you when deadlines or birthdays are due , but when you have so much time whole years , even decades can pass you by . Forgive me then , if I am a little hazy on dates . What I can tell you is that I was brought to the surface in the late 1800s , which makes me special . There aren 't many of us that come from nature now . Most are made by man in bulk on farms . Things changed . You suddenly became concerned about human life and diving equipment got better . Both meant that the world 's poor no were no longer forced to hold their breaths for comments » I knew that someone important was going to walk into my life at 12 : 15 , just after I normally drink tea and prepare for an slow day working on the horoscope . Now , maybe you might not believe me . After all , I am a professional charlatan . But I knew something was up , because for the last two weeks every prediction I have made actually worked out . It started when I saw Mrs Henderson . She was a fat woman , an unpleasant woman , a great client . Like most people who wanted a reading , she didn 't want the truth . And normally I didn 't give it to her . I pulled out the equipment . It was a plain set . It looked like bone china , but was made in china for a very low price . Mrs Henderson looked impressed anyway . She had a lot of money , and not a lot of sense . Anyway , I started reading the information contained in the tea leafs . And then the world went blank . When I returned to the world , Mrs Henderson was gone . I walked out of the shop I had rented , and another of the shopkeepers came up to me . He was normally an quiet , amicable chap . This time he looked like he wanted to throttle me . " She came out of here . Howling and crying , like you 'd tried to kill her . " he put his face up to mine , " You ever do it again and I 'll . . " " I don 't know what you 're talking about , " and I backed away from him . He stalked off . I walked back to my shop , ready to wait for my next appointment . Mrs Abbot didn 't come . She left a nervous message on my answer phone . At the time I didn 't realise why . Because I had no other clients for the day , I went home . My mouth opened wide . It was such a shock , it seemed like I 'd just been told I was about to die . And then . Then I was in my bed , looking at the ceiling . The police officers had gone . But it felt more real than a dream . It must have been a dream . Yeah , that was what it was , I convinced myself . Although I should have known better . In Ireland you can make a full time living as a psychic . less so in England . The English wouldn 't even pay you if you could predict the lottery . So I also work as a pitchman . Which , if you think about it , is just another way to make a dishonest buck . I walked to the nearest boot sale , and set up . It isn 't too crowded in the morning . And everyone is busy . So I crawl in through the hedge . They don 't know that I 'm there against the rules . I set up . My table is old fashioned . A suitcase with legs you fold out . Like the true pitchmen of the 50 's . My pitch is the worm . They wiggle around my hand , like they are alive . The fools in the crowd gave me money . That is what they are for . She had the longest blondest hair this side of fairyland , and her smile lights up the room like a flashlight . And I knew I am meant to talk to her . Just now . She walked off . I had the sense she is in trouble . She was poorer than she used to be , her clothes were expensive , but last years fashion . I had a feeling I will meet her again . When I got there , there was Mrs Henderson and her husband . Their eyes were red . They had been crying . I couldn 't understand what they were there for . I managed to get them to leave . At first I thought that the gossip would help me . But the truth is , no one wants to go to a psychic that tells them the truth . Life is hard enough . You go to a psychic to hear lies . I made some money as a pitchman , so it didn 't affect me too much . But I kept on having bad dreams . I kept on seeing people I knew in them . Not just that , I saw how they died . Their pain . And I started to write down what I saw . In a book by my bedside cabinet . The extra time I had meant I was drinking more too . It was like I 'd been cursed . But the worst was the Christians . They decided that these dreams were inspired by Satan . They set up the picket line in front of my office . I started to think I should simply leave . On Wednesday , the cleaner came in . She was a nosy parker . And no mistake . Her husband had died a few years back , and she was interested in everything . While it 's not the way she put it , she was very interested in the diary . All the details of the different murders and deaths I 'd seen . All the factual details that no one else other than the murderer could know . She took it to the police , and they read it , and they got their warrant . I arrived back at the normal time , and nothing was different . The book was there . I didn 't notice the surveillance cameras . Not at all . They broke in that night . It wasn 't a dream . And I looked up to them bleary eyed , a gun pointing in my face , and swore . They dragged me towards the back of the car , and I noticed someone had decided to give the press warning . So it was very public . Once in , they took me right there . And kitted me out in fetching jail clothing , since I was still in pyjamas . This was the first time I was in jail , and I can tell you it is not as bad as some people say . There is an odd vinegar smell , hiding other bodily fluids . And it is never quiet . There is always shouting going on , and doors slammed . But it was no worse than some hotels I 've been in while performing . I looked across at my lawyer . Short , thin , balding and bored . The police officer had my diary in front of him . He picked it up . " In it , you 've got the details of dozens of murders . Information the police hasn 't released to the public . Information . . . dare I say it , in some cases that the police didn 't even know themselves . " And that was it . That was the full content of the interview . I was hustled off into the cell , and ended up waiting for days . In telephone conversations with friends , I knew the police were digging up my life . I was given a notebook , and a pen , and I continued to write down my dreams . I thought I might as well . The police would search my cell every now and again , and confiscate them . They even moved me to solitary . Made sure no one could be feeding me this information . Or , presumably , that I wasn 't ordering the killings . But the dreams continued . They were getting worse and worse . Every morning I woke up feeling like I had not slept . I guess at least things looked up , because they took me from prison . They drove me along country lanes , towards a building . I can 't tell you precisely where it was . It just looked like an old school to be honest . You 'd never have guessed it was an intelligence headquarters . They bundled me out into an empty building . You 've heard of the secret prisons . Well , they are true . They dressed me up in a uniform , tagged my ankle , and locked me in a cage . The only thing they gave me was some paper and a pen to write down my dreams . Sometimes people came to research me . They put me in scanners , and gave me all kinds of medical tests . The results were unsurprising . I was just a normal , healthy individual . And that was how it seemed I was destined to live for the rest of my life . Until I started to hear the voices . They were low . Just like someone was talking in the next room . Distant . And I couldn 't make them out . That night I was tossing and turning , and I heard someone shout out my name . I woke up . No one was there . Then I tried to get asleep again , and managed it . But the voice was insistent . Nothing answered me . The guards walked past my cell . But with the dreams and the voices , I was getting no sleep . It started to affect me so badly I would not even eat food . Within a few days I was exhausted . Mentally and physically drained . And I guess that is what the creatures wanted . Because soon they broke through . It 's hard to tell you how it felt . But if you have ever had a moment of shock , when you suddenly feel like you aren 't there , you 'll know . He said his name . And then the voice faded away . But I knew I had to do precisely what he told me . I 'd go mad otherwise . Maybe I was already mad . The opportunity came sooner than I expected . My handlers were getting anxious . I was producing less predictions than normal , and the federal conviction rate was plummeting through the floor . The handlers looked like model citizens . Dark suits , a man and a woman dressed formally , like they were lawyers . They flashed their badge to me . I don 't know why , the fact I was in a prison gave them away . The police officer fell back . You could see him working it through in his mind . Despite the success of my predictions , he settled on the conclusion I was mad . After all , psychic phenomena were impossible . He 'd read that once . I shook my head . But that night , I was thinking about it , and decided that I had to ask . Had to have a conversation , if only for my sanity . When the voices started up , I leaned forward in my bed . I asked the question again . But he would say nothing of use to me . he would only repeatedly ask me to find his killers . Not very useful . Eventually , I managed to coax his name from him . Nigel . Not a very good name for a joke . That was the strange thing . No murder victims of that name came up . Not any time soon . But a week later , a Nigel disappeared . And I realised the truth . I looked through the court reports . He had been killed by stabbing . They wouldn 't let me out of the jail . So all I could do was read the files they brought on him . And I got the feeling that many of the details had been redacted . it was like looking for a haystack in an elephant : messy and not very satisfactory . There were only two people I decided who could have done it . They both had a great deal to gain . At the end of the day , though , there is a limit to what you can do from inside a jail cell . The guards looked sceptically at me when I asked for it . But I was responsible for half the murder arrests in the district for the last six months . So they eventually gave me what I wanted . Especially when I refused to furnish them with any more information . I don 't know if you have ever been to a proper séance . Well , to be honest , most of the time the knocks are from the medium . But this time it was different . Within moments of the séance starting , I was aware that the room was colder . Then the entire board lifted off the table , and flew towards me . It hit the wall a few inches from my face . The room warmed up again . The presence was gone . For a little while . " I didn 't " I replied . I knew that he didn 't believe me . But he would have to show more senior people . And I knew they couldn 't afford to risk me . I went back to bed . For the first time in weeks , I had no bad dreams . I guess Nigel knew I understood his message . I slept very soundly . Until the next morning . But my guards didn 't really understand . Or they did not want to understand . My handler met me in the interview room the next morning . He looked tired . Besides him sat a man I hadn 't seen before . He wore the cleanest , most expensive suit I had seen during my stay at the states pleasure . The man stood up . He walked out of the room . Measured , and without menace . But he didn 't seem to be a man used to dealing with no . My handler shook his head . He didn 't need to tell me the consequences . All of a sudden , I was put on suicide watch . Woken up every thirty minutes to see if I wasn 't dead yet . The heating in my cell surprisingly broke . I knew I was in their hands totally . But I never realised what it was like to displease them . You see , Nigel might be a ghost , but that doesn 't mean he is stupid . He can see what is happening . He knows they are stopping me doing what he wants . And this gets him angry . They first times he acted , it looked like coincidence . The guards chair would tilt under him , depositing him on the floor . Or cups of coffee were not placed firmly enough on the table . The guards were spooked by me . They knew that I was able to see things they could not . But although the guards face became pale , his hand on the trigger was steady and firm . It was too late . The chair slammed into the guard . He dropped to the floor . Then I saw the guards keys float from his pocket . My cell door was unlocked . I walked over to the guard , stripped his clothes off , and changed into his uniform . I thought I didn 't have much of a choice . If I didn 't do what Nigel wanted he would kill me . Every door I came to slid open without me doing anything . It would have been creepy if I didn 't know what was happening . Soon the alarms started to ring out . People would be grabbing their guns , getting ready to shoot me . I could feel my heart trying to escape from my chest . I soon arrived at fire exit . It opened in front of me . I climbed down some steps . Below me , I could see coppers swarming . I continued to walk down . One of the coppers recognised me . I ran in the opposite direction . He took aim , and I could hear the gun explode behind me . But the bullet didn 't pierce my skin like I expected . Instead , it ended in the ground . I reached a police car , and the engine came on without anyone doing anything . Then I went into a store and bought black trousers and a white shirt . Got changed . And walked out of the shopping centre , expecting to be caught at any time . In my pocket there was five hundred dollars . That was all I had in the world , except for an insane ghost . I decided it was time to go to the library . After chatting to the librarian for a few seconds , she walked me over to a computer which had copies of the local papers for the last twenty years . I typed a search . At first I found nothing , but as I expanded the search back I found him . According to the interview , he was found murdered in his bed . He had been asleep . His wife had been charged and convicted of his murder . But she said she was innocent . Nothing came in response . I knew that would happen . It was too much to hope for . It was getting late at night . The librarian was fussing near me . It was time to go . When you are a fugitive , it isn 't as simple to find a place to stay as booking a room in a hotel . I walked round , looking for an empty house . It took me an hour . Occasionally a police car would go past . It made me nervous . At one time it would have been a posh bungalow . But whoever had owned it had been taken to a care home , and it was covered in weeds and neglect . I walked up to the door , and it swings open . That is one of the advantages of your own private poltergeist . Inside it was a mess . But dry and water proof . There was a wood burning stove in one room . The power was off , and Nigel didn 't turn it on . But the water was only off at the mains . It was easy enough to get it working again . In the morning I would have to start the process of searching for Nigel Slater . I knew roughly where he lived . I fell asleep , and woke up hungry and cramped . Outside , I could hear rustling . I peeked through the window , and could see a man dressed only in black . He looked like he was not very friendly . I ducked down , but he must have seen me . He edged towards the door . It was locked , but he slammed it open . I hid behind the sofa . it didn 't help . He walked towards me . I noticed he had a poker in his hand . There was no way he wouldn 't find me . I stood up . I looked over at him . He had a long scar down his face . it seemed like he was used to trouble . And he was straining to start a fight . I did what he said . He followed me . I thought he might hit me at any second . or recognise me . They must have put my picture out into the news by now . I sighed with relief , but knew that my location might be passed onto the police . I decided it was time to get out of the town . I caught a bus , and tried to hide my face . Since I hadn 't had a bath for a few days it was easier than you might think . People did not want to look me in the eyes . I arrived at Nigel 's house six hours latter . It was a solemn house . A plane front garden laid to grass , brick frontage , and white windows . It didn 't look like anyone had ever cared for it . It looked like it was a place to sleep and not to stay . It took me a few minutes to settle down , and watch the street . There was nothing extraordinary about it . A few people walked past , taking little interest in the stranger . After watching for half an hour , I knew there was little information here for me . Talking round the local shops I found out that Nigel had been a quiet man . Few people knew him , past his saying hello . he didn 't seem to have been involved in anything wrong . or indeed in anything at all . I decided that there could only really have been one source of trouble . He must have found out something at work . Something that made him worth more to someone dead than alive . I got some annual reports from his company and studied them . Amazing what is available on the internet these days . There was little of interest . I applied to work at Nigel 's company as a cleaner . it was a big risk . I supplied false references , and knew they would not check them for months . That 's the thing about cleaners . No one takes any notice . So I got the job , and examined the work place thoroughly . It looked like an office . The computers were always on . Once or twice I looked over the shoulder of someone working but it was all gobbledygook to me . To make it worse , I saw my face on the newspaper when I went for food . Sure , I looked a lot different now . I had grown longer hair , a beard , and was thinner . But it was still me . I grew suspicious of other people . Then came my big break . Several people were working in the office late . I overhead them speaking about a billion dollar deal . The company was getting bought out . I checked the internet , and there was something in the trade section . The routine was the same every day . But one of my colleagues had not turned up to work . So I was asked to clean the main office . I did so . But I did more than that , I broke into the file cabinets , and started reading company secrets . But that didn 't save me for long . The next day I arrived at work a few minutes earlier . Something told me that things were wrong . The security guard on the gate was new . He told me to go out to the bosses office . I walked into a small lab , and looked around . There was a window , and I tried to open it . In the distance I could see five police cars . The window wouldn 't open . There was only one way out . And I knew that by now , there would be police officers between me and the door . I looked round to find a chair . Then used it to break the window . The alarm went , and I slid through the empty hole . But I caught my shoulder on a shard of glass . I was bleeding . The police gave up their pretence . Dozens of sirens started up , heading towards the building . I ran through a green space . I knew that there was only one way out of the compound except the front gate . A hole in the fence I had noticed a few days earlier . But over head their was a helicopter . Although I ran like the wind , it wasn 't enough . I could hear the police men getting closer and closer . I turned around and saw two police officers . They both had guns pointed at me . I raised my hands , and they soon had me on the ground . I arrived at my destination a few hours latter . This time they were taking no chances . I arrived at a super maximum prison . Surrounded by barbed wire , dogs , and armed police officers it was obvious I 'd never get out . The next day the interrogation began . Again and Again . Asking me where I had gone . What I had done . I eventually broke down and told them everything . But that didn 't stop them continuing . Maybe what they were doing was no crime . But it was a form of torture . Eventually , the interrogations stopped . They gave me paper . They wanted to go back to how it used to be . But by that time I had got so angry , even when I did have a dream I kept it to myself . I wasn 't there . So all I can do is repeat the report that was made to me . No guarantee it is what happened . Apparently the director of the FBI had been having an extramarital affair . He was in bed that normal , and engaging in exercise at the same time . This was not expected , but what was even more unexpected was the windows opening wide . And the explosions of a gun . The director of the FBI 's gun . But I do know that it made the national news . The assistant director of the FBI resigned . And , to be frank , most of the people in the FBI did not care much about that . But it was fair warning . He didn 't seem to be exactly happy about what had happened . In fact , he stormed in to the visiting room , and let loose a barrage of swear words . I sat there passively , listening to him . When he calmed down sufficiently , he sat down . " Nigel was right . All he wants is his murderer found . But he isn 't going to stop . Not until that is done . Not even if he has to kill someone else to do it . " " No . I am not . Nigel is a threat to you . If you stand in the way , that is . He is a ghost . What can you do to get rid of him ? " The director of the FBI thought for a few seconds . An hour latter , a priest turned up with bell , book and candle . it didn 't work spectacularly . The power went off , the candle blew out , the bell rang , and the book was thrown across the room . The director gestured to the mirror and two toughs walked in . They carried some rope . They tied me to the chair , and lifted a cosh over their heads . Then all hell broke lose . The cosh swung back by itself . it raised into the air , and came down , laying out one of the thugs . The other caught me a glancing blow , but something unseen lifted him from the floor and threw him against the wall . " You have a choice . Director . Help find Nigel 's killer . Or , I think , Nigel will chase you down and gut you like a fish . " Eventually the Director settled down again . He sat in his chair , silently looking at me . I wasn 't a pretty picture . Thin , and in prison coveralls . I must have looked like a real criminal . They let me go that afternoon . Put me in a suit , and told me I was seconded to the FBI . I was even given my own agent . He was tall , thin , and looked every inch the government man . The agent shook his head . He gave nothing away . That was when I knew he wasn 't sent to help me . Just to keep an eye out on me . Nevertheless , I decided that I could use him . Like he wanted to use me . I looked over to him , and told him to get a warrant . We were going to search Nigel 's company . And read every damn bit of paper they had about Sigma . When we arrived at the door , they had their lawyer sorted out already . Someone must have leaked it . He looked like he had cost a lot of money . " I 'm afraid we have the right not to incriminate ourselves . We are asserting that right . Both as a company , and as individuals . So , no , you can ask any questions but we will not answer them . " I was surprised when I found the clue . It was something no one else would have noticed . A single envelope in the bin . It contained an address . I think Nigel must have been helping me . I was drawn to it . But the thing I noticed was the fact the address had a Sigma stamp . Once we were out of the building , I decided to break away from the FBI agent . I knew some things would work better on my own . it was easier said than done . When I tried to go for a walk that night , he insisted on staying right by me . Getting to the address was difficult . I didn 't have a car , I had to take the bus . Most of the journey there wasn 't even that . And it had began to rain . I must have looked odd , walking around town that late at night , soaked . In fact , I surprised no copper stopped me . " Good enough , " I said . Knowing I was lying as I said it . It wasn 't like it was my strong point . The expression on the coppers face showed he thought not either . He stood there behind me his mouth opened , as I shimmied the lock . it opened . I walked in . This was a mistake , I didn 't notice the small CCTV camera , the camera that was hidden in a plug socket . But it was sending my picture right up to the security office . I worked quickly , going up the stairs to the office . I don 't know what I had expected to see . But what I did see looked just like any other office . Even down to the half drunk cup of coffee . I woke up in the boot of a car . I could feel the engine running , and smell burning petrol . It was pick black . The car started off , bumping along the ground . Hitting me from side to side . My hands were tied behind my back . It was lucky I knew a little magic . I got the knot loose without much effort . Then I grovelled around the car to find something , anything that could help me . There was a wrench , which I picked up . I put the rope around my wrists , hiding the fact I was loose . And put the wrench in my pocket . The boot of the car swung open . One of the security guards lifted me out of the boot . He was covered in muscle . My mouth opened wide . That was the last thing I expected to hear . They marched me along the ground and I saw him for the first time . Nigel . Alive . Then the room went strange . Something turned the lights off , and opened the windows . It even raised a chair off the ground . The security guard looked worried for the first time . " For the last month , I have been searching for the person who killed Nigel Slater . You , sir , are Nigel Slater . But it seems your ghost hasn 't got the information you are alive . " But it didn 't work . By the time that the ambulance arrived , Nigel was in a deep coma . It took only a short time after that until the first homicide detective got there . But the truth is , it was fate . No ones fault . Except the murderer . After all , how can Nigel Slater 's ghost come into my dreams unless he is actually killed ? What happened next surprised me . The cops arrested me . Told me I was being held on suspicion of murder . I told them not to be idiots , but they wrote it in their notebooks and not their minds . By that point the clues would be getting stale , so I drove right to the company . But they wouldn 't let me in . it was a police investigation , they said . No dice . I called the FBI agent and asked him to run the full scan on Slater . By the time he had finished I would know every single family member . And all I had to do was interview them . The only clue left to me was Sigma . The company was closed for a few hours , but the managing director wasn 't . Again the FBI came to my rescue . They had the address , and I wasn 't afraid to use it . We walked up the garden path . It wasn 't the most luxurious house that a managing director had ever lived at . But I knocked on the door anyway . I walked in . Behold , the group was all there . The director of the FBI himself . The attorney general . And a four star general . I could feel the back of my assistant straightening up . The Managing Director pressed a button on the TV . It switched on . Nigel Slater 's office . I saw him pick up his glass . Put the chemicals in it . The MD fast forwarded . Nigel killed himself . " Oil . We got him to produce computer models . All the oil reserves . He was so great . . . well , he could produce a program that told us exactly where oil was , just from satellite images . " Just at that moment a dozen armed guards came into the room . Their guns were pointed right at me . I raised my hands , and was soon plunged into the carpet . They searched me . Didn 't find anything interesting . " Yeah . But I don 't think you did it . I don 't think you were that smart . But I don 't know what this being who calls himself Nigel Slater is , " I didn 't struggle . By now , them putting handcuffs on me was almost routine . I just wish I had been able to continue my life as a charlatan . I didn 't know what to say to that . it was true . it was obvious when you think about it . Nigel had told me he was murdered when he was still alive . but no one ever said the soul was bound to the arrow of time . Within a few minutes we had picked up an escort . From what I could tell , they had closed the road down . Only we were travelling that evening . I gulped . It looked like things were just about to head for the worse . The trip to the Whitehouse was the most fraught I had experienced in my life . The director of the FBI was reading faxes and emails in the car . His face was getting more and more pale . " I guess like the English did in WWII . With disinformation . We need to get an Chinese agent and feed him bad info . And I guess Nigel might be your best hope for that . " I guess the FBI director caught on quickly . Because he could go anywhere , Nigel could listen to the Chinese chatter . He could find Chinese agents . Maybe he didn 't know Chinese , but he knew enough to listen in to the English language conversations . It wasn 't a new concept . The CIA had investigated it in the sixties . But they didn 't have a real life ghost , so their experiments failed . This time we had a real ghost . I asked them to pick out the Ouija board again . The séance room was a sight you had never seen in your life . The president and the director of the FBI holding hands , in a dark room . The president of the united states shook his head . You could tell he couldn 't believe what he was seeing . He got up from his seat , and you could almost hear his bones cracking . Over in the corner of the room I could see a computer with satellite images . I could watch the Chinese fleet mobilising in real time . The number of dots that represented aircraft carriers alone was scary . " It will only be a few days before we have to mobilise our own navy . " The wait was excruciating . But suddenly five hours latter , the board started spelling out a name . The FBI director went to work . Within minutes they had the file out . He didn 't look like what you would expect of a Chinese agent . He had long , blonde hair , was dressed in a respectable suit , and had a respectable job . He worked in the old navy base . His job was to work on the files , reading sensitive military information . Including information about resource allocation . Once they checked his bank account the truth became obvious . The FBI director stood up , and paced down the long thin corridor . Then he arrived back in the meeting room with a young woman . She was dressed in military uniform . He explained the plan . It was simple . The Chinese agent needed to think it had all been a hoax . But for that to work , he would have to eat a pack of lies . I wasn 't there , so I can report only what I have been told . The female agent I had been introduced to worked in the old navy headquarters . She worked in the files there . It is a room full of top secret papers . Room might be the wrong word ; it was the size of an aircraft hanger . She worked there , and had spent months being bored . So naturally , she had struck up a conversation with the handsome blonde military attaché . And , the conversation was reciprocated . The director of the FBI looked at her . She didn 't look like much to put the freedom of the world onto . But she was eager . And after being told what to do , she didn 't complain . She saluted . I stood at the back of the room , watching the Director of the FBI feeling out the officer , and knew I would have to talk to Nigel alone . I didn 't trust her . She looked too good to be true with her starched uniform and willing smile . The new agent went into a staff car , to be driven to the headquarters . She looked very lonely in the back of the car . Meanwhile , we walked to the operations room . There was a banks of monitors the length of the room . We could see satellite images of the build up of the Chinese fleet , as well as real time updates of our spies . I nodded . Then looked back over to the screens . I could see our agent depositing the papers in her draw . She phoned up the Chinese agent , and set up dinner . It looked like a glorious feast . Roast duck , with all the trimmings . The doorbell went . She walked over to it , and opened it . She said something , and the Chinese agent walked into the room . After ten minutes of conversation , she walked away . To go to the toilet . He walked over to the draws , and started rummaging . After a few minutes he found the file our agent had left . He took out the smallest camera you have ever seen , and clicked the image . After that , he put the files away . After he left , the confirmation came thick and fast . The Chinese fleet disbanded . It was amazing to see , but they split up within a matter of hours . Soon the sea around Taiwan was empty except for commercial shipping . I guess that if this had been a story that would be it . I would have been given a party , a celebration , and been allowed to leave . After all , I had saved the day . Well , Nigel did leave . I haven 't heard from him since . After they had finished celebrating , a guard collected me , and drove me in a prison van to here . It is a cold concrete cell . I am allowed a TV , and to write carefully vetted letters . I 'm not sure how I will post this , my story . Maybe I will write it under the postage stamp . I guess for an old crook like me , it is fair . But I wish I had been sent to jail for something I did . And not for some trumped up terrorist charge . Currently we only offer payment for one story selected as the feature story in the monthly pdf magazine only . The successful author will be contacted to organise payment via paypal for a $ 5AUD payment . 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The ship swayed and creaked . He feels every bit of it in his body . Taking no chances the crew , damnedable pirates , have chained him with no give . Legs bound in a kneeling position , arms chained to either wall crucifying him to the ship like a perverse figurehead , he 's been their captive long enough to have forgotten the feel of kindness . It is a small blessing that their fear of him keeps his gag in place at all times . It keeps them from coming anywhere near him . The captain learned a long time ago that he gleans all he needs to live from the moisture in the air , the brine in his eyes . During storms , when he is strongest , the captain posts guards with him . They don 't look at him . A terrible hope fills him today . By the movement of the ship and the crew 's curses , he knows that they 're being pursued by another ship . This ship is a runner , fast . There 'd be little concern of capture if the ship did not gain its quickness from being light , gain its lightness from having little room for armaments or supplies . The pursuers have had them going for a week now and they 'd been out of port for at least a month . He knows from the panic in the crew that the food is all but gone . Soon they 'll be too weak to load what small guns are aboard . He 'd be surprised if they could remember how to sight the cannons it 's been so long since the captain has ordered them used . His hope stems from the pirates ' desperation . If they succumb to practicality then they 'll come for him . With frightened hearts and shaking hands , they 'll undo his chains and he 'll get to spend some time under the sky instead of under foot . So he waits for their desperation to bloom practicality . It does not take long . The first mate comes with three guards and the keys . It is always the first mate that comes to get him . The captain coming himself would make him a person that the captain fears , he wouldn 't last long once that got out among the crew . The first mate is the only one he trusts with the keys to his chains . " The captain wants to see you . " He speaks with a unique accent that comes with the ship 's pidgin of French , Spanish , and Greek . His ears hear the gibberish , but his mind provides him with the meaning . Slowly , they unchain his arms from the ship and secure them behind his back . The guards are afraid to touch him , unsure whether he 'll break or they 'll be infected with something . It strikes him as odd how religious some of these men are . Coming onto the deck , sea spray hits him in the face , covers his bare chest . He instantly feels more alive . He stands taller , muscles flex , the chains bite into his skin . They take him to the captain , standing at the aft of the ship . He stands beside the captain looking out at the wide ocean , the only thing marring their perfect view of the horizon the pursuers . The first mate and guards fold themselves into the three other men standing around them . The captain just stands there for a few minutes , ignoring him . This too is done to show the crew he will do this in his own time , to show that the man he keeps below decks does not frighten him . Around the gag , behind the locked mouth plate , he smiles . Only he and the captain know what he is , and he knows that the captain is frightened of that . " I have use of you . " From under his coat he draws out the key that only he is allowed to keep . He inserts into lock for the face plate . " If you hurt this ship my men will stab you and you will die before you can swim for freedom . Like always , yeah ? " He nods . It 's always the same threat . It vaguely occurs to him that this is only a half life . But then , the spirits would kill for half a life . The plate falls away and he spits the wooden wedge from his mouth . His tongue sticks out , tasting the salt in the air . He flexes his jaw , taking in the blue sky , the white clouds , the gentle waves . He smiles at the captain . Other than the crew 's swords there is very little compelling him . Finally , the captain 's annoyance at the delay shows on his face . He focuses on ship on the horizon . He tries not to think of the men on the ship . He knows he will have to answer for his actions one day , but he 's trying to postpone that day for as long as possible . " I 'm fine . Sorry . " The cabby 's eyes dart from the road to the rearview mirror and back . " I 'm good . I 'm okay . " The cabby 's eyes return to the road and stay there , Lawrence was prepared to keep reassuring him for the rest of the drive as long as he didn 't take his eyes off the road . " That jetlag 's a bitch , isn 't it ? " " Yeah , jetlag . " He doesn 't really feel like talking so he looks out the window . What he sees unsettles him so much that he almost closes his eyes again . Outside the cab desert stretched on for miles . When he 'd met the cabby at the airport he 'd been fine . They 'd been in the middle of a city . He preferred the buildings and people to the endless dry expanse . He tried to think of it as a sea of earth but it just made him queasy . He can 't help it , he closes his eyes . " We 're almost there , " the cabby rouses him . " If I 'd of known I wouldn 't have let you sleep at all . You wouldn 't believe how many people fall asleep in my cab from the airport . " The cabby keeps up a steady stream of chitchat for the next few minutes . Lawrence doesn 't say much , but he 's glad for the distraction . " Here we go , buddy . " He pulls up in front of an independent diner . Lawrence can tell the sign was made with care when it was painted , years in the desert sun has faded it badly . " They got good food here ? " " I don 't know . This is my first time here . " He pays the fare and steps out of the air - conditioned interior . His lips are immediately dry and cracked . The heat cuts him to the core as fast as it dried his lips , the urge to speak rises in him . He needs to escape this heat , he 's drowning in dryness . He rushes inside hoping that they 'll have air - conditioning . No such luck . The interior of the restaurant is as faded as the exterior . He seats himself , impatiently tapping his foot waiting for the waitress . He can hear the sound of the wind . Not the dry , lifeless wind of the desert , but the damp , alive wind of the storm . It 's calling to him , begging him to call out . He licks his lips with a tongue he can barely feel . He can 't help himself , the desert is antithesis for him . Why had he decided to come here ? To satisfy some adolescent curiosity ? He takes one long , shuttering breath . " The special , two of them , just bring me a pitcher of water . " His throat feels so dry . He has to speak now before he loses his chance . " Hmph ! " With blurry vision he watches her flounce back to the kitchen . He grabs the edge of the table to steady himself . He 's clenching his jaw by the time she comes back with a glass for him . He swallows half of it . The cool liquid fills him , calming him . Vision clears , hands stop shaking , the urge lessening . The torrent of wind in his ears shifts to a gentle breeze . How close had he come ? The waitress turns to leave again , he grabs her arm . " Can I get you anything else ? " She says it in such a way that makes Lawrence wonder if it 's actually a question . She tired of him he can tell . She 's too used to bullying the locals . He doesn 't trying to be nice to her , he just takes out a fifty and lays it on the table . " This is your tip if you keep bringing me pitchers of water . " Her eyes gleam slightly as she stares at the bill on the table . Slowly she puts the pitcher on the table . " Thank you . " He drains the rest of his glass and pours another . He finishes this one in three huge gulps . He doesn 't feel as trapped now , his breathing has evened out . He fills the glass a third time , finishing off the pitcher , but only sips this one . A couple minutes pass , the waitress brings his two specials and another pitcher . Lawrence only picks at his food . Between the desert and the age of the equipment in the diner the food is completely dry . Mainly he just cuts up the food and moves it around on his plate . Mainly he watches the people in the restaurant . He immediately discounts his waitress . Seeing her move around the diner , speaking with her , she 's spent most of her life trying to get away from this place . It 's a pity that she 'd never really feel like she belongs anywhere . An old man sits in another booth . He is weathered , his countenance telling the story of a life in the desert . Despite the heat of the day he 's drinking coffee . Lawrence would have considered him a likely candidate if his research didn 't tell him he is looking for someone younger . Besides the old man doesn 't look like he belongs here , only that he 's gotten used to living here . It 's an old style diner setup , so Lawrence can see the cook behind the half wall separating the kitchen from the dining area . Cook would be a wonderful job for who he 's looking for . The heat rising from the stove providing a fix for the cravings while at work . Though nothing compared to the natural heat of the desert it would do while at work . Unfortunately the cook is wearing a sleeveless shirt that 's plastered to his body with sweat . Lawrence 's heart falls . He 's not close enough to the cook to pick up a flow from him , but the fact that he 's sweating tells him all he needs to know . It 's possible his sources were wrong . It 's not easy to track a Bearer . The burden / gift they bear making it too hard to get a fix on them . He 's about to get up , throwing the contents of his glass down his throat , when the kitchen door swings open and a young man steps through . Lawrence puts his cup down and watches him . Something in the way he moves is different . Somehow his movements come off as light , almost bouncy . Even just clearing dishes from tables , his movements are quick , precise . He wears a t - shirt , jeans , and boots , all are cheap , but he still has an air of status . Lawrence notes that he 's not sweating . He looks up , checking for more stray dishes . Lawrence motions him over . " You finished with this , mister ? " Lawrence inhales and catches the scent of aged stone . " Sorry , mister , I 'm just here for the dishes . You 'll want to try Craiper St . around ten tonight . " He grabs a plate , Lawrence grabs his wrist . Sun … Heat … Dry … Sand … Lawrence pulls his hand away , palm red . Perspiration stands out on the young man 's brow now , fear in his eyes . He slides into the booth across from Lawrence . Lawrence pours another glass of water and waits for the boy to say something . " I 'm on break ! " She throws up her hands and goes back into the kitchen . Tito smiles at Lawrence . " Let 's go outside . " Lawrence downs his water and follows him out and around the diner . " I 'm Benjamin Fuller , but everyone calls me , Tito . Now who the hell are you ? " It 's a fair question . If he doesn 't know what he is then he 's probably really freaked out . Lawrence can 't blame him , he 's been there . " Ha , not likely , man . " Tito looks skeptical , very skeptical . There 's at least fifteen years between them . And while Tito isn 't a full blooded Mexican , Lawrence can tell at least one of his parents is , while Lawrence couldn 't be more white without being an albino . It 's hard to believe . " I don 't mean biologically . I mean spiritually . " Tito 's face is instantly serious . " You can feel it , can 't you ? That subtle , tickling at the back of your brain that makes you feel like you know me , even while at your core I unsettle you . " " Yes . " Tito looks so relieved that it breaks Lawrence 's heart . He knows what it 's like to finally have this explained . Lawrence had spent three years in a mental hospital trying to deal by himself . Tito is a strong young man . " Where is there open desert ? " Tito points down an alley . Lawrence starts walking , Tito doesn 't need to be told to follow , he falls into step next to Lawrence careful not to touch him . They come out the other end of the alley seeing open land . For Lawrence it 's as close to nothing as he ever wants to get . Longing fills Tito 's eyes . " I want to share something with you . Watch out there . " Lawrence takes a deep breath and centers himself . The urge to speak has been growing since they stepped out of the diner , the dryness creeping in to all his dark places . Tito 's hands fly up to cover his ears . " Ah ! What the hell ? " FLASH ! BOOM ! The thunder cuts off any further curses . Tito 's gaze is drawn out to the desert , where black storm clouds have formed out of nowhere . The fear is back in his eyes , he retreats till his back hits the wall to the building . " What have you done ? " " I spoke my Word . We 're Word Bearers , Tito . You have your own . Can you feel it ? Deep in core . " Lawrence can see he 's confused . He 's frightened , overwhelmed . FLASHBOOM ! " You can stop this , Tito . Go ahead . Say your Word . I want to hear it . " " I don 't … I 'm not sure . " Confusion and fear war on Tito 's face . Lawrence hopes he won 't run . He didn 't mean to scare the boy . " Of course you 're sure . You 've known it for centuries , you just haven 't spoken it yet . It 's okay . I 'm here with you . " His first step is hesitant , his second is firm , his third is confident . Lawrence realizes he 's holding his breath . Tito looks up at him , he nods . Tito fixes his gaze on the storm . " " There it is . It 's as quiet as Lawrence 's Word is loud , but no less powerful . It 's so beautiful . As Lawrence watches the storm clouds dissipate a tear rolls down his cheek . 2 Dad suffered even from a sight of blood , and he never killed a hen nor slaughtered a pig . But I was aware that once he had donated his blood in the name of my Mum still , because she 'd had a narrow escape on an operating table then . With me a doctor would have my blood tested in a moment : one , two and it 's done . But first they make you ready for rather a time : take a seat , then have a proper finger chosen , though it is always just the one , then they wipe it with spirits until take somewhat sharp like a mini - scalpel . Not everyone can stand the procedure , but I was not against it when a doctor suggested me having my blood tested . She was a likable one , youngish for her age , not married or divorced , probably . And she had no child , I felt it immediately , she had such a look , barren if you want . Possibly for health reasons she could not bear a child or she didn 't find a right man . Or she could have a particular blood group not to have a child with anyone , that 's why she employed at a doctor 's consulting room to make blood tests . And she urged me to have my blood tested . At first I didn 't mind it , the right thing it is , still she didn 't ask my permission . " Just let 's have your blood tested " , she said and left me . She had many things to do I suppose . In doctor 's smocks they walked hither and thither all the time at a clinic there talking over the heads of those waiting , as if one was dead already . And I was still alive and a nurse was preparing to have my blood tested . While she got me ready she was chattering . She said that men were afraid of blood testing nowadays . More and more they refused to do it and ran away sometimes seeing a drop of blood . And one had nothing to fear , there was a couch behind the curtain in a special emergency to lie low , in case one fainted . She pulled the white curtain aside and showed me a couch with dark green leatherette and I shivered all at once : what for they needed my blood ? She suggested me taking off a jacket and rolling up my sleeve , left or right one , I don 't rMy Bio : Mr . Valery Petrovskiy is a journalist and short story writer from Russia . Не is an English Department graduate at Chuvash State University , Cheboksary , graduated in journalism at VKSch Higher School , Moscow and in psychology at Kazan State Technology University . He has been writing prose since 2005 . Some of his writing has been published in The Scrambler , Rusty Typer , BRICKrethoric , NAP Magazine , Literary Burlesque , The Other Room , Curbside Quotidian , DANSE MACABRE , WidowMoon Press , PRIME MINCER , Apocrypha and Abstractions , The Legendary in the USA , and in Australian " Skive " and " Going Down Swinging " magazines . At the moment he is writer - in - residence at Marco Polo Art Mag . It 's dark in here . That 's because I live at the bottom of the jewellery box along with the other outcasts : the tangled necklace with the broken lobster claw and teddy pendant she got for her eleventh birthday , along with the bracelet that 's missing a couple of gem stones . She always says she will have them repaired but never does , preferring to spend the money on more fashionable pieces instead that imitate Asian and Oriental designs . An untrained eye might imagine that they were found by a back - packer on their travels , but they weren 't . They can be bought from any shop on the high - street , and are merely echoes of worlds she 's never seen . Not all of us down here are broken though . I 'm not , and neither is the engagement ring she got from Mark , ( who eventually cheated on her with Shannon from Reception , ) or the belly bar she took out when she put weight on and decided looked too young for her anyway . The ones at the top who get worn more often pity us , ( ' how boring it must be , ' they say to each other in whispers they think we can 't hear , ' being cooped up down there , month in , month out , ' ) but in a way they 're jealous . As I 've said , you could buy them in their hundreds if you wanted to , and they are without sentimental value like the childhood necklace or the belly bar that reminds her of her wild teens and early twenties . They 're easily replaced and she gives them away when they become outdated - or chucks them if even her younger sister and the charity shops say no , thanks . She doesn 't like Mark 's ring or me , so it isn 't often that her fingers dig through the chunky bangles and strings of beads to bring me to the surface . It happens maybe three or four times a year when she has arranged to visit The Matriarch . The ring doesn 't even get a look in . Why Mark wouldn 't let her give it back to him so that he could give it to someone he did love is beyond us ; at least that way it would have been enjoyed . All the same , seeing as I 'm an heirloom and the ring is eighteen carat white goPerhaps you imagine I get bitter when the voices of the favoured ones float above my head , chattering away about their ventures out of the box : days at work , dinners , dates , parties and who was there , who wasn 't there , what she wore … you get the drift . Or worse , maybe you feel sorry for me . I 'd rather you didn 't . Pity the rest but not me . I 'm not so keen on their weight pressing down on me but I don 't mind the dark . In fact I quite like it . It reminds me of home , my real one , from before I met people . As for being bitter , you can rule that out . I 'm a pearl , darling ; it 's not in my nature . You lot have seen me as a symbol of love for thousands of years and I do try to live up to my name by being kind - although I cannot help but wince sometimes at the irony , given that the first person I ever met died . Don 't look at me like that ; it wasn 't my fault . But that 's why she doesn 't like me . All the same , when you 've being kept in a family for over a century you do take an interest in your present owner , even if it 's not reciprocated , so I enjoy listening to the young ones ' gossip . Let them have their fun while they still can . The best they can hope for is a place in a child 's dressing - up box in just a few , short years so they might as well enjoy it . 2 . Memories . I might be old - fashioned and be from a past that she and you would rather forget , but I 'm not like your kind . I will endure and outlive the others , her - even you . And I never forget . My memory doesn 't grow weak with age , it gets stronger . I can still smell what my home was like ; still feel the movements of the person who found me when he panicked and rushed too quickly to the top , and the urgent , grasping hand of the first , but different person to ever touch me , as though I 'd only stopped smelling and feeling them a minute ago . The memories of my owners and the events in their lives play like the films you are so fond of ; the moment when her grandfather proposed to her grandmother , and the christening of her mother , they are a3 . Before she grew up . I suppose you think it strange that her grandmother , ( or The Matriarch as she jokingly calls her , ) skipped a generation and gave me to someone who doesn 't like me , but it never used to be this way . When she was little and used to visit her grandmother she would ask , ( very politely after giving her a peck on the cheek , ) if she could play with her jewellery box . The answer was always yes , and she would very carefully hunt through the diamonds and gold to find me , pin me to her jumper and wear me for the rest of the time she was there . It became something of a ritual , to the point where her grandmother began to pick me out herself and would put me on the coffee table ready for when she arrived . When she was eighteen , The Matriarch had a heart attack , and fearing that she would never leave hospital , insisted on the girl 's mother driving for two hours to get me , so that she could give me to her personally before it was too late . They were very close , and still are in spite of the distance , for she survived against all the odds . Whenever she goes to see her she always comments on how lovely it is , seeing her granddaughter all grown up , wearing her old brooch that 's always been her favourite . And I was for a time . Traditionally I was only worn for a special or significant occasion , but when she was at college I had the strange but enjoyable experience of being put in her pocket and going with her , and if she felt nervous about something her fingers would slide down to stroke me . Normally I hated people manhandling me , but I didn 't mind in her case - it was better than her biting her nails . It was almost as if she thought that having me with her would stop something bad happening - and I have been viewed as ' lucky . ' Stop sniggering , it 's true . In the days of knights and sword - fighting , we would be worn when the rich and noble went into battle because they thought we would protect them from harm , so don 't laugh at her . It felt good , being wanted , and I have to confess I came in danger You don 't like being reminded of your past - those days of glory when Britain ruled half the world . I think that 's why you apologise so much , and give more than you can afford to charities trying to save the poor and starving around the globe . It 's almost as though you 're trying to make up for all the wrongs done before you were born . And I 've tried to avoid talking about it in case you ran away - I get lonely sometimes and it 's nice having someone to talk to . But you can 't run forever , things have to be faced eventually . Some of you may already know and may already be trying to shut out the sound of my words by turning your thoughts to the plans you 've made for the weekend , but there 'll be a lot of you who don 't . There are lots of happy anecdotes from my owners ' lives I could have told you but this is the one you need to hear : My story . We are not like your kind , but there is one thing we have in common : just as you can 't remember coming out of the womb , we don 't know what it was like being a grain of sand or piece of shell squeezing our way inside an oyster and hardening ; all I remember is being . There were no thoughts , for when you live inside a shell there isn 't a great deal to think about - nothing happens . That probably sounds dull to you but there was no sadness , no pain or death . It was peaceful , just being . I didn 't know this at the time but even nothing has to come to an end eventually : the day would always have come when I would be found . It will be hard for you to understand what it was like being taken out of water , hearing sounds , seeing colours and light - all for the first time . On paper it sounds great , this explosion of life , but the reality was frightening - and even fear was something I had never heard of or felt before . Maybe that 's why your newborns usually cry when they come out , because they 're scared and want to go back . I 'm trying to think of ways to describe how it was to you , and the only way I can think of is for you to imagine an ancient Egyptian being placed in the middle of a supermarket . That might give you a better idea , but even that doesn 't come close . I 've learnt a lot since then - ( I 've had to , I didn 't have any other choice - ) but there 's one thing I 've never been able to get my head around , and that is time . Your lives are ruled by clocks and diaries telling you when deadlines or birthdays are due , but when you have so much time whole years , even decades can pass you by . Forgive me then , if I am a little hazy on dates . What I can tell you is that I was brought to the surface in the late 1800s , which makes me special . There aren 't many of us that come from nature now . Most are made by man in bulk on farms . Things changed . You suddenly became concerned about human life and diving equipment got better . Both meant that the world 's poor no were no longer forced to hold their breaths for comments » I knew that someone important was going to walk into my life at 12 : 15 , just after I normally drink tea and prepare for an slow day working on the horoscope . Now , maybe you might not believe me . After all , I am a professional charlatan . But I knew something was up , because for the last two weeks every prediction I have made actually worked out . It started when I saw Mrs Henderson . She was a fat woman , an unpleasant woman , a great client . Like most people who wanted a reading , she didn 't want the truth . And normally I didn 't give it to her . I pulled out the equipment . It was a plain set . It looked like bone china , but was made in china for a very low price . Mrs Henderson looked impressed anyway . She had a lot of money , and not a lot of sense . Anyway , I started reading the information contained in the tea leafs . And then the world went blank . When I returned to the world , Mrs Henderson was gone . I walked out of the shop I had rented , and another of the shopkeepers came up to me . He was normally an quiet , amicable chap . This time he looked like he wanted to throttle me . " She came out of here . Howling and crying , like you 'd tried to kill her . " he put his face up to mine , " You ever do it again and I 'll . . " " I don 't know what you 're talking about , " and I backed away from him . He stalked off . I walked back to my shop , ready to wait for my next appointment . Mrs Abbot didn 't come . She left a nervous message on my answer phone . At the time I didn 't realise why . Because I had no other clients for the day , I went home . My mouth opened wide . It was such a shock , it seemed like I 'd just been told I was about to die . And then . Then I was in my bed , looking at the ceiling . The police officers had gone . But it felt more real than a dream . It must have been a dream . Yeah , that was what it was , I convinced myself . Although I should have known better . In Ireland you can make a full time living as a psychic . less so in England . The English wouldn 't even pay you if you could predict the lottery . So I also work as a pitchman . Which , if you think about it , is just another way to make a dishonest buck . I walked to the nearest boot sale , and set up . It isn 't too crowded in the morning . And everyone is busy . So I crawl in through the hedge . They don 't know that I 'm there against the rules . I set up . My table is old fashioned . A suitcase with legs you fold out . Like the true pitchmen of the 50 's . My pitch is the worm . They wiggle around my hand , like they are alive . The fools in the crowd gave me money . That is what they are for . She had the longest blondest hair this side of fairyland , and her smile lights up the room like a flashlight . And I knew I am meant to talk to her . Just now . She walked off . I had the sense she is in trouble . She was poorer than she used to be , her clothes were expensive , but last years fashion . I had a feeling I will meet her again . When I got there , there was Mrs Henderson and her husband . Their eyes were red . They had been crying . I couldn 't understand what they were there for . I managed to get them to leave . At first I thought that the gossip would help me . But the truth is , no one wants to go to a psychic that tells them the truth . Life is hard enough . You go to a psychic to hear lies . I made some money as a pitchman , so it didn 't affect me too much . But I kept on having bad dreams . I kept on seeing people I knew in them . Not just that , I saw how they died . Their pain . And I started to write down what I saw . In a book by my bedside cabinet . The extra time I had meant I was drinking more too . It was like I 'd been cursed . But the worst was the Christians . They decided that these dreams were inspired by Satan . They set up the picket line in front of my office . I started to think I should simply leave . On Wednesday , the cleaner came in . She was a nosy parker . And no mistake . Her husband had died a few years back , and she was interested in everything . While it 's not the way she put it , she was very interested in the diary . All the details of the different murders and deaths I 'd seen . All the factual details that no one else other than the murderer could know . She took it to the police , and they read it , and they got their warrant . I arrived back at the normal time , and nothing was different . The book was there . I didn 't notice the surveillance cameras . Not at all . They broke in that night . It wasn 't a dream . And I looked up to them bleary eyed , a gun pointing in my face , and swore . They dragged me towards the back of the car , and I noticed someone had decided to give the press warning . So it was very public . Once in , they took me right there . And kitted me out in fetching jail clothing , since I was still in pyjamas . This was the first time I was in jail , and I can tell you it is not as bad as some people say . There is an odd vinegar smell , hiding other bodily fluids . And it is never quiet . There is always shouting going on , and doors slammed . But it was no worse than some hotels I 've been in while performing . I looked across at my lawyer . Short , thin , balding and bored . The police officer had my diary in front of him . He picked it up . " In it , you 've got the details of dozens of murders . Information the police hasn 't released to the public . Information . . . dare I say it , in some cases that the police didn 't even know themselves . " And that was it . That was the full content of the interview . I was hustled off into the cell , and ended up waiting for days . In telephone conversations with friends , I knew the police were digging up my life . I was given a notebook , and a pen , and I continued to write down my dreams . I thought I might as well . The police would search my cell every now and again , and confiscate them . They even moved me to solitary . Made sure no one could be feeding me this information . Or , presumably , that I wasn 't ordering the killings . But the dreams continued . They were getting worse and worse . Every morning I woke up feeling like I had not slept . I guess at least things looked up , because they took me from prison . They drove me along country lanes , towards a building . I can 't tell you precisely where it was . It just looked like an old school to be honest . You 'd never have guessed it was an intelligence headquarters . They bundled me out into an empty building . You 've heard of the secret prisons . Well , they are true . They dressed me up in a uniform , tagged my ankle , and locked me in a cage . The only thing they gave me was some paper and a pen to write down my dreams . Sometimes people came to research me . They put me in scanners , and gave me all kinds of medical tests . The results were unsurprising . I was just a normal , healthy individual . And that was how it seemed I was destined to live for the rest of my life . Until I started to hear the voices . They were low . Just like someone was talking in the next room . Distant . And I couldn 't make them out . That night I was tossing and turning , and I heard someone shout out my name . I woke up . No one was there . Then I tried to get asleep again , and managed it . But the voice was insistent . Nothing answered me . The guards walked past my cell . But with the dreams and the voices , I was getting no sleep . It started to affect me so badly I would not even eat food . Within a few days I was exhausted . Mentally and physically drained . And I guess that is what the creatures wanted . Because soon they broke through . It 's hard to tell you how it felt . But if you have ever had a moment of shock , when you suddenly feel like you aren 't there , you 'll know . He said his name . And then the voice faded away . But I knew I had to do precisely what he told me . I 'd go mad otherwise . Maybe I was already mad . The opportunity came sooner than I expected . My handlers were getting anxious . I was producing less predictions than normal , and the federal conviction rate was plummeting through the floor . The handlers looked like model citizens . Dark suits , a man and a woman dressed formally , like they were lawyers . They flashed their badge to me . I don 't know why , the fact I was in a prison gave them away . The police officer fell back . You could see him working it through in his mind . Despite the success of my predictions , he settled on the conclusion I was mad . After all , psychic phenomena were impossible . He 'd read that once . I shook my head . But that night , I was thinking about it , and decided that I had to ask . Had to have a conversation , if only for my sanity . When the voices started up , I leaned forward in my bed . I asked the question again . But he would say nothing of use to me . he would only repeatedly ask me to find his killers . Not very useful . Eventually , I managed to coax his name from him . Nigel . Not a very good name for a joke . That was the strange thing . No murder victims of that name came up . Not any time soon . But a week later , a Nigel disappeared . And I realised the truth . I looked through the court reports . He had been killed by stabbing . They wouldn 't let me out of the jail . So all I could do was read the files they brought on him . And I got the feeling that many of the details had been redacted . it was like looking for a haystack in an elephant : messy and not very satisfactory . There were only two people I decided who could have done it . They both had a great deal to gain . At the end of the day , though , there is a limit to what you can do from inside a jail cell . The guards looked sceptically at me when I asked for it . But I was responsible for half the murder arrests in the district for the last six months . So they eventually gave me what I wanted . Especially when I refused to furnish them with any more information . I don 't know if you have ever been to a proper séance . Well , to be honest , most of the time the knocks are from the medium . But this time it was different . Within moments of the séance starting , I was aware that the room was colder . Then the entire board lifted off the table , and flew towards me . It hit the wall a few inches from my face . The room warmed up again . The presence was gone . For a little while . " I didn 't " I replied . I knew that he didn 't believe me . But he would have to show more senior people . And I knew they couldn 't afford to risk me . I went back to bed . For the first time in weeks , I had no bad dreams . I guess Nigel knew I understood his message . I slept very soundly . Until the next morning . But my guards didn 't really understand . Or they did not want to understand . My handler met me in the interview room the next morning . He looked tired . Besides him sat a man I hadn 't seen before . He wore the cleanest , most expensive suit I had seen during my stay at the states pleasure . The man stood up . He walked out of the room . Measured , and without menace . But he didn 't seem to be a man used to dealing with no . My handler shook his head . He didn 't need to tell me the consequences . All of a sudden , I was put on suicide watch . Woken up every thirty minutes to see if I wasn 't dead yet . The heating in my cell surprisingly broke . I knew I was in their hands totally . But I never realised what it was like to displease them . You see , Nigel might be a ghost , but that doesn 't mean he is stupid . He can see what is happening . He knows they are stopping me doing what he wants . And this gets him angry . They first times he acted , it looked like coincidence . The guards chair would tilt under him , depositing him on the floor . Or cups of coffee were not placed firmly enough on the table . The guards were spooked by me . They knew that I was able to see things they could not . But although the guards face became pale , his hand on the trigger was steady and firm . It was too late . The chair slammed into the guard . He dropped to the floor . Then I saw the guards keys float from his pocket . My cell door was unlocked . I walked over to the guard , stripped his clothes off , and changed into his uniform . I thought I didn 't have much of a choice . If I didn 't do what Nigel wanted he would kill me . Every door I came to slid open without me doing anything . It would have been creepy if I didn 't know what was happening . Soon the alarms started to ring out . People would be grabbing their guns , getting ready to shoot me . I could feel my heart trying to escape from my chest . I soon arrived at fire exit . It opened in front of me . I climbed down some steps . Below me , I could see coppers swarming . I continued to walk down . One of the coppers recognised me . I ran in the opposite direction . He took aim , and I could hear the gun explode behind me . But the bullet didn 't pierce my skin like I expected . Instead , it ended in the ground . I reached a police car , and the engine came on without anyone doing anything . Then I went into a store and bought black trousers and a white shirt . Got changed . And walked out of the shopping centre , expecting to be caught at any time . In my pocket there was five hundred dollars . That was all I had in the world , except for an insane ghost . I decided it was time to go to the library . After chatting to the librarian for a few seconds , she walked me over to a computer which had copies of the local papers for the last twenty years . I typed a search . At first I found nothing , but as I expanded the search back I found him . According to the interview , he was found murdered in his bed . He had been asleep . His wife had been charged and convicted of his murder . But she said she was innocent . Nothing came in response . I knew that would happen . It was too much to hope for . It was getting late at night . The librarian was fussing near me . It was time to go . When you are a fugitive , it isn 't as simple to find a place to stay as booking a room in a hotel . I walked round , looking for an empty house . It took me an hour . Occasionally a police car would go past . It made me nervous . At one time it would have been a posh bungalow . But whoever had owned it had been taken to a care home , and it was covered in weeds and neglect . I walked up to the door , and it swings open . That is one of the advantages of your own private poltergeist . Inside it was a mess . But dry and water proof . There was a wood burning stove in one room . The power was off , and Nigel didn 't turn it on . But the water was only off at the mains . It was easy enough to get it working again . In the morning I would have to start the process of searching for Nigel Slater . I knew roughly where he lived . I fell asleep , and woke up hungry and cramped . Outside , I could hear rustling . I peeked through the window , and could see a man dressed only in black . He looked like he was not very friendly . I ducked down , but he must have seen me . He edged towards the door . It was locked , but he slammed it open . I hid behind the sofa . it didn 't help . He walked towards me . I noticed he had a poker in his hand . There was no way he wouldn 't find me . I stood up . I looked over at him . He had a long scar down his face . it seemed like he was used to trouble . And he was straining to start a fight . I did what he said . He followed me . I thought he might hit me at any second . or recognise me . They must have put my picture out into the news by now . I sighed with relief , but knew that my location might be passed onto the police . I decided it was time to get out of the town . I caught a bus , and tried to hide my face . Since I hadn 't had a bath for a few days it was easier than you might think . People did not want to look me in the eyes . I arrived at Nigel 's house six hours latter . It was a solemn house . A plane front garden laid to grass , brick frontage , and white windows . It didn 't look like anyone had ever cared for it . It looked like it was a place to sleep and not to stay . It took me a few minutes to settle down , and watch the street . There was nothing extraordinary about it . A few people walked past , taking little interest in the stranger . After watching for half an hour , I knew there was little information here for me . Talking round the local shops I found out that Nigel had been a quiet man . Few people knew him , past his saying hello . he didn 't seem to have been involved in anything wrong . or indeed in anything at all . I decided that there could only really have been one source of trouble . He must have found out something at work . Something that made him worth more to someone dead than alive . I got some annual reports from his company and studied them . Amazing what is available on the internet these days . There was little of interest . I applied to work at Nigel 's company as a cleaner . it was a big risk . I supplied false references , and knew they would not check them for months . That 's the thing about cleaners . No one takes any notice . So I got the job , and examined the work place thoroughly . It looked like an office . The computers were always on . Once or twice I looked over the shoulder of someone working but it was all gobbledygook to me . To make it worse , I saw my face on the newspaper when I went for food . Sure , I looked a lot different now . I had grown longer hair , a beard , and was thinner . But it was still me . I grew suspicious of other people . Then came my big break . Several people were working in the office late . I overhead them speaking about a billion dollar deal . The company was getting bought out . I checked the internet , and there was something in the trade section . The routine was the same every day . But one of my colleagues had not turned up to work . So I was asked to clean the main office . I did so . But I did more than that , I broke into the file cabinets , and started reading company secrets . But that didn 't save me for long . The next day I arrived at work a few minutes earlier . Something told me that things were wrong . The security guard on the gate was new . He told me to go out to the bosses office . I walked into a small lab , and looked around . There was a window , and I tried to open it . In the distance I could see five police cars . The window wouldn 't open . There was only one way out . And I knew that by now , there would be police officers between me and the door . I looked round to find a chair . Then used it to break the window . The alarm went , and I slid through the empty hole . But I caught my shoulder on a shard of glass . I was bleeding . The police gave up their pretence . Dozens of sirens started up , heading towards the building . I ran through a green space . I knew that there was only one way out of the compound except the front gate . A hole in the fence I had noticed a few days earlier . But over head their was a helicopter . Although I ran like the wind , it wasn 't enough . I could hear the police men getting closer and closer . I turned around and saw two police officers . They both had guns pointed at me . I raised my hands , and they soon had me on the ground . I arrived at my destination a few hours latter . This time they were taking no chances . I arrived at a super maximum prison . Surrounded by barbed wire , dogs , and armed police officers it was obvious I 'd never get out . The next day the interrogation began . Again and Again . Asking me where I had gone . What I had done . I eventually broke down and told them everything . But that didn 't stop them continuing . Maybe what they were doing was no crime . But it was a form of torture . Eventually , the interrogations stopped . They gave me paper . They wanted to go back to how it used to be . But by that time I had got so angry , even when I did have a dream I kept it to myself . I wasn 't there . So all I can do is repeat the report that was made to me . No guarantee it is what happened . Apparently the director of the FBI had been having an extramarital affair . He was in bed that normal , and engaging in exercise at the same time . This was not expected , but what was even more unexpected was the windows opening wide . And the explosions of a gun . The director of the FBI 's gun . But I do know that it made the national news . The assistant director of the FBI resigned . And , to be frank , most of the people in the FBI did not care much about that . But it was fair warning . He didn 't seem to be exactly happy about what had happened . In fact , he stormed in to the visiting room , and let loose a barrage of swear words . I sat there passively , listening to him . When he calmed down sufficiently , he sat down . " Nigel was right . All he wants is his murderer found . But he isn 't going to stop . Not until that is done . Not even if he has to kill someone else to do it . " " No . I am not . Nigel is a threat to you . If you stand in the way , that is . He is a ghost . What can you do to get rid of him ? " The director of the FBI thought for a few seconds . An hour latter , a priest turned up with bell , book and candle . it didn 't work spectacularly . The power went off , the candle blew out , the bell rang , and the book was thrown across the room . The director gestured to the mirror and two toughs walked in . They carried some rope . They tied me to the chair , and lifted a cosh over their heads . Then all hell broke lose . The cosh swung back by itself . it raised into the air , and came down , laying out one of the thugs . The other caught me a glancing blow , but something unseen lifted him from the floor and threw him against the wall . " You have a choice . Director . Help find Nigel 's killer . Or , I think , Nigel will chase you down and gut you like a fish . " Eventually the Director settled down again . He sat in his chair , silently looking at me . I wasn 't a pretty picture . Thin , and in prison coveralls . I must have looked like a real criminal . They let me go that afternoon . Put me in a suit , and told me I was seconded to the FBI . I was even given my own agent . He was tall , thin , and looked every inch the government man . The agent shook his head . He gave nothing away . That was when I knew he wasn 't sent to help me . Just to keep an eye out on me . Nevertheless , I decided that I could use him . Like he wanted to use me . I looked over to him , and told him to get a warrant . We were going to search Nigel 's company . And read every damn bit of paper they had about Sigma . When we arrived at the door , they had their lawyer sorted out already . Someone must have leaked it . He looked like he had cost a lot of money . " I 'm afraid we have the right not to incriminate ourselves . We are asserting that right . Both as a company , and as individuals . So , no , you can ask any questions but we will not answer them . " I was surprised when I found the clue . It was something no one else would have noticed . A single envelope in the bin . It contained an address . I think Nigel must have been helping me . I was drawn to it . But the thing I noticed was the fact the address had a Sigma stamp . Once we were out of the building , I decided to break away from the FBI agent . I knew some things would work better on my own . it was easier said than done . When I tried to go for a walk that night , he insisted on staying right by me . Getting to the address was difficult . I didn 't have a car , I had to take the bus . Most of the journey there wasn 't even that . And it had began to rain . I must have looked odd , walking around town that late at night , soaked . In fact , I surprised no copper stopped me . " Good enough , " I said . Knowing I was lying as I said it . It wasn 't like it was my strong point . The expression on the coppers face showed he thought not either . He stood there behind me his mouth opened , as I shimmied the lock . it opened . I walked in . This was a mistake , I didn 't notice the small CCTV camera , the camera that was hidden in a plug socket . But it was sending my picture right up to the security office . I worked quickly , going up the stairs to the office . I don 't know what I had expected to see . But what I did see looked just like any other office . Even down to the half drunk cup of coffee . I woke up in the boot of a car . I could feel the engine running , and smell burning petrol . It was pick black . The car started off , bumping along the ground . Hitting me from side to side . My hands were tied behind my back . It was lucky I knew a little magic . I got the knot loose without much effort . Then I grovelled around the car to find something , anything that could help me . There was a wrench , which I picked up . I put the rope around my wrists , hiding the fact I was loose . And put the wrench in my pocket . The boot of the car swung open . One of the security guards lifted me out of the boot . He was covered in muscle . My mouth opened wide . That was the last thing I expected to hear . They marched me along the ground and I saw him for the first time . Nigel . Alive . Then the room went strange . Something turned the lights off , and opened the windows . It even raised a chair off the ground . The security guard looked worried for the first time . " For the last month , I have been searching for the person who killed Nigel Slater . You , sir , are Nigel Slater . But it seems your ghost hasn 't got the information you are alive . " But it didn 't work . By the time that the ambulance arrived , Nigel was in a deep coma . It took only a short time after that until the first homicide detective got there . But the truth is , it was fate . No ones fault . Except the murderer . After all , how can Nigel Slater 's ghost come into my dreams unless he is actually killed ? What happened next surprised me . The cops arrested me . Told me I was being held on suspicion of murder . I told them not to be idiots , but they wrote it in their notebooks and not their minds . By that point the clues would be getting stale , so I drove right to the company . But they wouldn 't let me in . it was a police investigation , they said . No dice . I called the FBI agent and asked him to run the full scan on Slater . By the time he had finished I would know every single family member . And all I had to do was interview them . The only clue left to me was Sigma . The company was closed for a few hours , but the managing director wasn 't . Again the FBI came to my rescue . They had the address , and I wasn 't afraid to use it . We walked up the garden path . It wasn 't the most luxurious house that a managing director had ever lived at . But I knocked on the door anyway . I walked in . Behold , the group was all there . The director of the FBI himself . The attorney general . And a four star general . I could feel the back of my assistant straightening up . The Managing Director pressed a button on the TV . It switched on . Nigel Slater 's office . I saw him pick up his glass . Put the chemicals in it . The MD fast forwarded . Nigel killed himself . " Oil . We got him to produce computer models . All the oil reserves . He was so great . . . well , he could produce a program that told us exactly where oil was , just from satellite images . " Just at that moment a dozen armed guards came into the room . Their guns were pointed right at me . I raised my hands , and was soon plunged into the carpet . They searched me . Didn 't find anything interesting . " Yeah . But I don 't think you did it . I don 't think you were that smart . But I don 't know what this being who calls himself Nigel Slater is , " I didn 't struggle . By now , them putting handcuffs on me was almost routine . I just wish I had been able to continue my life as a charlatan . I didn 't know what to say to that . it was true . it was obvious when you think about it . Nigel had told me he was murdered when he was still alive . but no one ever said the soul was bound to the arrow of time . Within a few minutes we had picked up an escort . From what I could tell , they had closed the road down . Only we were travelling that evening . I gulped . It looked like things were just about to head for the worse . The trip to the Whitehouse was the most fraught I had experienced in my life . The director of the FBI was reading faxes and emails in the car . His face was getting more and more pale . " I guess like the English did in WWII . With disinformation . We need to get an Chinese agent and feed him bad info . And I guess Nigel might be your best hope for that . " I guess the FBI director caught on quickly . Because he could go anywhere , Nigel could listen to the Chinese chatter . He could find Chinese agents . Maybe he didn 't know Chinese , but he knew enough to listen in to the English language conversations . It wasn 't a new concept . The CIA had investigated it in the sixties . But they didn 't have a real life ghost , so their experiments failed . This time we had a real ghost . I asked them to pick out the Ouija board again . The séance room was a sight you had never seen in your life . The president and the director of the FBI holding hands , in a dark room . The president of the united states shook his head . You could tell he couldn 't believe what he was seeing . He got up from his seat , and you could almost hear his bones cracking . Over in the corner of the room I could see a computer with satellite images . I could watch the Chinese fleet mobilising in real time . The number of dots that represented aircraft carriers alone was scary . " It will only be a few days before we have to mobilise our own navy . " The wait was excruciating . But suddenly five hours latter , the board started spelling out a name . The FBI director went to work . Within minutes they had the file out . He didn 't look like what you would expect of a Chinese agent . He had long , blonde hair , was dressed in a respectable suit , and had a respectable job . He worked in the old navy base . His job was to work on the files , reading sensitive military information . Including information about resource allocation . Once they checked his bank account the truth became obvious . The FBI director stood up , and paced down the long thin corridor . Then he arrived back in the meeting room with a young woman . She was dressed in military uniform . He explained the plan . It was simple . The Chinese agent needed to think it had all been a hoax . But for that to work , he would have to eat a pack of lies . I wasn 't there , so I can report only what I have been told . The female agent I had been introduced to worked in the old navy headquarters . She worked in the files there . It is a room full of top secret papers . Room might be the wrong word ; it was the size of an aircraft hanger . She worked there , and had spent months being bored . So naturally , she had struck up a conversation with the handsome blonde military attaché . And , the conversation was reciprocated . The director of the FBI looked at her . She didn 't look like much to put the freedom of the world onto . But she was eager . And after being told what to do , she didn 't complain . She saluted . I stood at the back of the room , watching the Director of the FBI feeling out the officer , and knew I would have to talk to Nigel alone . I didn 't trust her . She looked too good to be true with her starched uniform and willing smile . The new agent went into a staff car , to be driven to the headquarters . She looked very lonely in the back of the car . Meanwhile , we walked to the operations room . There was a banks of monitors the length of the room . We could see satellite images of the build up of the Chinese fleet , as well as real time updates of our spies . I nodded . Then looked back over to the screens . I could see our agent depositing the papers in her draw . She phoned up the Chinese agent , and set up dinner . It looked like a glorious feast . Roast duck , with all the trimmings . The doorbell went . She walked over to it , and opened it . She said something , and the Chinese agent walked into the room . After ten minutes of conversation , she walked away . To go to the toilet . He walked over to the draws , and started rummaging . After a few minutes he found the file our agent had left . He took out the smallest camera you have ever seen , and clicked the image . After that , he put the files away . After he left , the confirmation came thick and fast . The Chinese fleet disbanded . It was amazing to see , but they split up within a matter of hours . Soon the sea around Taiwan was empty except for commercial shipping . I guess that if this had been a story that would be it . I would have been given a party , a celebration , and been allowed to leave . After all , I had saved the day . Well , Nigel did leave . I haven 't heard from him since . After they had finished celebrating , a guard collected me , and drove me in a prison van to here . It is a cold concrete cell . I am allowed a TV , and to write carefully vetted letters . I 'm not sure how I will post this , my story . Maybe I will write it under the postage stamp . I guess for an old crook like me , it is fair . But I wish I had been sent to jail for something I did . And not for some trumped up terrorist charge . Currently we only offer payment for one story selected as the feature story in the monthly pdf magazine only . The successful author will be contacted to organise payment via paypal for a $ 5AUD payment . 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The ship swayed and creaked . He feels every bit of it in his body . Taking no chances the crew , damnedable pirates , have chained him with no give . Legs bound in a kneeling position , arms chained to either wall crucifying him to the ship like a perverse figurehead , he 's been their captive long enough to have forgotten the feel of kindness . It is a small blessing that their fear of him keeps his gag in place at all times . It keeps them from coming anywhere near him . The captain learned a long time ago that he gleans all he needs to live from the moisture in the air , the brine in his eyes . During storms , when he is strongest , the captain posts guards with him . They don 't look at him . A terrible hope fills him today . By the movement of the ship and the crew 's curses , he knows that they 're being pursued by another ship . This ship is a runner , fast . There 'd be little concern of capture if the ship did not gain its quickness from being light , gain its lightness from having little room for armaments or supplies . The pursuers have had them going for a week now and they 'd been out of port for at least a month . He knows from the panic in the crew that the food is all but gone . Soon they 'll be too weak to load what small guns are aboard . He 'd be surprised if they could remember how to sight the cannons it 's been so long since the captain has ordered them used . His hope stems from the pirates ' desperation . If they succumb to practicality then they 'll come for him . With frightened hearts and shaking hands , they 'll undo his chains and he 'll get to spend some time under the sky instead of under foot . So he waits for their desperation to bloom practicality . It does not take long . The first mate comes with three guards and the keys . It is always the first mate that comes to get him . The captain coming himself would make him a person that the captain fears , he wouldn 't last long once that got out among the crew . The first mate is the only one he trusts with the keys to his chains . " The captain wants to see you . " He speaks with a unique accent that comes with the ship 's pidgin of French , Spanish , and Greek . His ears hear the gibberish , but his mind provides him with the meaning . Slowly , they unchain his arms from the ship and secure them behind his back . The guards are afraid to touch him , unsure whether he 'll break or they 'll be infected with something . It strikes him as odd how religious some of these men are . Coming onto the deck , sea spray hits him in the face , covers his bare chest . He instantly feels more alive . He stands taller , muscles flex , the chains bite into his skin . They take him to the captain , standing at the aft of the ship . He stands beside the captain looking out at the wide ocean , the only thing marring their perfect view of the horizon the pursuers . The first mate and guards fold themselves into the three other men standing around them . The captain just stands there for a few minutes , ignoring him . This too is done to show the crew he will do this in his own time , to show that the man he keeps below decks does not frighten him . Around the gag , behind the locked mouth plate , he smiles . Only he and the captain know what he is , and he knows that the captain is frightened of that . " I have use of you . " From under his coat he draws out the key that only he is allowed to keep . He inserts into lock for the face plate . " If you hurt this ship my men will stab you and you will die before you can swim for freedom . Like always , yeah ? " He nods . It 's always the same threat . It vaguely occurs to him that this is only a half life . But then , the spirits would kill for half a life . The plate falls away and he spits the wooden wedge from his mouth . His tongue sticks out , tasting the salt in the air . He flexes his jaw , taking in the blue sky , the white clouds , the gentle waves . He smiles at the captain . Other than the crew 's swords there is very little compelling him . Finally , the captain 's annoyance at the delay shows on his face . He focuses on ship on the horizon . He tries not to think of the men on the ship . He knows he will have to answer for his actions one day , but he 's trying to postpone that day for as long as possible . " I 'm fine . Sorry . " The cabby 's eyes dart from the road to the rearview mirror and back . " I 'm good . I 'm okay . " The cabby 's eyes return to the road and stay there , Lawrence was prepared to keep reassuring him for the rest of the drive as long as he didn 't take his eyes off the road . " That jetlag 's a bitch , isn 't it ? " " Yeah , jetlag . " He doesn 't really feel like talking so he looks out the window . What he sees unsettles him so much that he almost closes his eyes again . Outside the cab desert stretched on for miles . When he 'd met the cabby at the airport he 'd been fine . They 'd been in the middle of a city . He preferred the buildings and people to the endless dry expanse . He tried to think of it as a sea of earth but it just made him queasy . He can 't help it , he closes his eyes . " We 're almost there , " the cabby rouses him . " If I 'd of known I wouldn 't have let you sleep at all . You wouldn 't believe how many people fall asleep in my cab from the airport . " The cabby keeps up a steady stream of chitchat for the next few minutes . Lawrence doesn 't say much , but he 's glad for the distraction . " Here we go , buddy . " He pulls up in front of an independent diner . Lawrence can tell the sign was made with care when it was painted , years in the desert sun has faded it badly . " They got good food here ? " " I don 't know . This is my first time here . " He pays the fare and steps out of the air - conditioned interior . His lips are immediately dry and cracked . The heat cuts him to the core as fast as it dried his lips , the urge to speak rises in him . He needs to escape this heat , he 's drowning in dryness . He rushes inside hoping that they 'll have air - conditioning . No such luck . The interior of the restaurant is as faded as the exterior . He seats himself , impatiently tapping his foot waiting for the waitress . He can hear the sound of the wind . Not the dry , lifeless wind of the desert , but the damp , alive wind of the storm . It 's calling to him , begging him to call out . He licks his lips with a tongue he can barely feel . He can 't help himself , the desert is antithesis for him . Why had he decided to come here ? To satisfy some adolescent curiosity ? He takes one long , shuttering breath . " The special , two of them , just bring me a pitcher of water . " His throat feels so dry . He has to speak now before he loses his chance . " Hmph ! " With blurry vision he watches her flounce back to the kitchen . He grabs the edge of the table to steady himself . He 's clenching his jaw by the time she comes back with a glass for him . He swallows half of it . The cool liquid fills him , calming him . Vision clears , hands stop shaking , the urge lessening . The torrent of wind in his ears shifts to a gentle breeze . How close had he come ? The waitress turns to leave again , he grabs her arm . " Can I get you anything else ? " She says it in such a way that makes Lawrence wonder if it 's actually a question . She tired of him he can tell . She 's too used to bullying the locals . He doesn 't trying to be nice to her , he just takes out a fifty and lays it on the table . " This is your tip if you keep bringing me pitchers of water . " Her eyes gleam slightly as she stares at the bill on the table . Slowly she puts the pitcher on the table . " Thank you . " He drains the rest of his glass and pours another . He finishes this one in three huge gulps . He doesn 't feel as trapped now , his breathing has evened out . He fills the glass a third time , finishing off the pitcher , but only sips this one . A couple minutes pass , the waitress brings his two specials and another pitcher . Lawrence only picks at his food . Between the desert and the age of the equipment in the diner the food is completely dry . Mainly he just cuts up the food and moves it around on his plate . Mainly he watches the people in the restaurant . He immediately discounts his waitress . Seeing her move around the diner , speaking with her , she 's spent most of her life trying to get away from this place . It 's a pity that she 'd never really feel like she belongs anywhere . An old man sits in another booth . He is weathered , his countenance telling the story of a life in the desert . Despite the heat of the day he 's drinking coffee . Lawrence would have considered him a likely candidate if his research didn 't tell him he is looking for someone younger . Besides the old man doesn 't look like he belongs here , only that he 's gotten used to living here . It 's an old style diner setup , so Lawrence can see the cook behind the half wall separating the kitchen from the dining area . Cook would be a wonderful job for who he 's looking for . The heat rising from the stove providing a fix for the cravings while at work . Though nothing compared to the natural heat of the desert it would do while at work . Unfortunately the cook is wearing a sleeveless shirt that 's plastered to his body with sweat . Lawrence 's heart falls . He 's not close enough to the cook to pick up a flow from him , but the fact that he 's sweating tells him all he needs to know . It 's possible his sources were wrong . It 's not easy to track a Bearer . The burden / gift they bear making it too hard to get a fix on them . He 's about to get up , throwing the contents of his glass down his throat , when the kitchen door swings open and a young man steps through . Lawrence puts his cup down and watches him . Something in the way he moves is different . Somehow his movements come off as light , almost bouncy . Even just clearing dishes from tables , his movements are quick , precise . He wears a t - shirt , jeans , and boots , all are cheap , but he still has an air of status . Lawrence notes that he 's not sweating . He looks up , checking for more stray dishes . Lawrence motions him over . " You finished with this , mister ? " Lawrence inhales and catches the scent of aged stone . " Sorry , mister , I 'm just here for the dishes . You 'll want to try Craiper St . around ten tonight . " He grabs a plate , Lawrence grabs his wrist . Sun … Heat … Dry … Sand … Lawrence pulls his hand away , palm red . Perspiration stands out on the young man 's brow now , fear in his eyes . He slides into the booth across from Lawrence . Lawrence pours another glass of water and waits for the boy to say something . " I 'm on break ! " She throws up her hands and goes back into the kitchen . Tito smiles at Lawrence . " Let 's go outside . " Lawrence downs his water and follows him out and around the diner . " I 'm Benjamin Fuller , but everyone calls me , Tito . Now who the hell are you ? " It 's a fair question . If he doesn 't know what he is then he 's probably really freaked out . Lawrence can 't blame him , he 's been there . " Ha , not likely , man . " Tito looks skeptical , very skeptical . There 's at least fifteen years between them . And while Tito isn 't a full blooded Mexican , Lawrence can tell at least one of his parents is , while Lawrence couldn 't be more white without being an albino . It 's hard to believe . " I don 't mean biologically . I mean spiritually . " Tito 's face is instantly serious . " You can feel it , can 't you ? That subtle , tickling at the back of your brain that makes you feel like you know me , even while at your core I unsettle you . " " Yes . " Tito looks so relieved that it breaks Lawrence 's heart . He knows what it 's like to finally have this explained . Lawrence had spent three years in a mental hospital trying to deal by himself . Tito is a strong young man . " Where is there open desert ? " Tito points down an alley . Lawrence starts walking , Tito doesn 't need to be told to follow , he falls into step next to Lawrence careful not to touch him . They come out the other end of the alley seeing open land . For Lawrence it 's as close to nothing as he ever wants to get . Longing fills Tito 's eyes . " I want to share something with you . Watch out there . " Lawrence takes a deep breath and centers himself . The urge to speak has been growing since they stepped out of the diner , the dryness creeping in to all his dark places . Tito 's hands fly up to cover his ears . " Ah ! What the hell ? " FLASH ! BOOM ! The thunder cuts off any further curses . Tito 's gaze is drawn out to the desert , where black storm clouds have formed out of nowhere . The fear is back in his eyes , he retreats till his back hits the wall to the building . " What have you done ? " " I spoke my Word . We 're Word Bearers , Tito . You have your own . Can you feel it ? Deep in core . " Lawrence can see he 's confused . He 's frightened , overwhelmed . FLASHBOOM ! " You can stop this , Tito . Go ahead . Say your Word . I want to hear it . " " I don 't … I 'm not sure . " Confusion and fear war on Tito 's face . Lawrence hopes he won 't run . He didn 't mean to scare the boy . " Of course you 're sure . You 've known it for centuries , you just haven 't spoken it yet . It 's okay . I 'm here with you . " His first step is hesitant , his second is firm , his third is confident . Lawrence realizes he 's holding his breath . Tito looks up at him , he nods . Tito fixes his gaze on the storm . " " There it is . It 's as quiet as Lawrence 's Word is loud , but no less powerful . It 's so beautiful . As Lawrence watches the storm clouds dissipate a tear rolls down his cheek . 2 Dad suffered even from a sight of blood , and he never killed a hen nor slaughtered a pig . But I was aware that once he had donated his blood in the name of my Mum still , because she 'd had a narrow escape on an operating table then . With me a doctor would have my blood tested in a moment : one , two and it 's done . But first they make you ready for rather a time : take a seat , then have a proper finger chosen , though it is always just the one , then they wipe it with spirits until take somewhat sharp like a mini - scalpel . Not everyone can stand the procedure , but I was not against it when a doctor suggested me having my blood tested . She was a likable one , youngish for her age , not married or divorced , probably . And she had no child , I felt it immediately , she had such a look , barren if you want . Possibly for health reasons she could not bear a child or she didn 't find a right man . Or she could have a particular blood group not to have a child with anyone , that 's why she employed at a doctor 's consulting room to make blood tests . And she urged me to have my blood tested . At first I didn 't mind it , the right thing it is , still she didn 't ask my permission . " Just let 's have your blood tested " , she said and left me . She had many things to do I suppose . In doctor 's smocks they walked hither and thither all the time at a clinic there talking over the heads of those waiting , as if one was dead already . And I was still alive and a nurse was preparing to have my blood tested . While she got me ready she was chattering . She said that men were afraid of blood testing nowadays . More and more they refused to do it and ran away sometimes seeing a drop of blood . And one had nothing to fear , there was a couch behind the curtain in a special emergency to lie low , in case one fainted . She pulled the white curtain aside and showed me a couch with dark green leatherette and I shivered all at once : what for they needed my blood ? She suggested me taking off a jacket and rolling up my sleeve , left or right one , I don 't rMy Bio : Mr . Valery Petrovskiy is a journalist and short story writer from Russia . Не is an English Department graduate at Chuvash State University , Cheboksary , graduated in journalism at VKSch Higher School , Moscow and in psychology at Kazan State Technology University . He has been writing prose since 2005 . Some of his writing has been published in The Scrambler , Rusty Typer , BRICKrethoric , NAP Magazine , Literary Burlesque , The Other Room , Curbside Quotidian , DANSE MACABRE , WidowMoon Press , PRIME MINCER , Apocrypha and Abstractions , The Legendary in the USA , and in Australian " Skive " and " Going Down Swinging " magazines . At the moment he is writer - in - residence at Marco Polo Art Mag . It 's dark in here . That 's because I live at the bottom of the jewellery box along with the other outcasts : the tangled necklace with the broken lobster claw and teddy pendant she got for her eleventh birthday , along with the bracelet that 's missing a couple of gem stones . She always says she will have them repaired but never does , preferring to spend the money on more fashionable pieces instead that imitate Asian and Oriental designs . An untrained eye might imagine that they were found by a back - packer on their travels , but they weren 't . They can be bought from any shop on the high - street , and are merely echoes of worlds she 's never seen . Not all of us down here are broken though . I 'm not , and neither is the engagement ring she got from Mark , ( who eventually cheated on her with Shannon from Reception , ) or the belly bar she took out when she put weight on and decided looked too young for her anyway . The ones at the top who get worn more often pity us , ( ' how boring it must be , ' they say to each other in whispers they think we can 't hear , ' being cooped up down there , month in , month out , ' ) but in a way they 're jealous . As I 've said , you could buy them in their hundreds if you wanted to , and they are without sentimental value like the childhood necklace or the belly bar that reminds her of her wild teens and early twenties . They 're easily replaced and she gives them away when they become outdated - or chucks them if even her younger sister and the charity shops say no , thanks . She doesn 't like Mark 's ring or me , so it isn 't often that her fingers dig through the chunky bangles and strings of beads to bring me to the surface . It happens maybe three or four times a year when she has arranged to visit The Matriarch . The ring doesn 't even get a look in . Why Mark wouldn 't let her give it back to him so that he could give it to someone he did love is beyond us ; at least that way it would have been enjoyed . All the same , seeing as I 'm an heirloom and the ring is eighteen carat white goPerhaps you imagine I get bitter when the voices of the favoured ones float above my head , chattering away about their ventures out of the box : days at work , dinners , dates , parties and who was there , who wasn 't there , what she wore … you get the drift . Or worse , maybe you feel sorry for me . I 'd rather you didn 't . Pity the rest but not me . I 'm not so keen on their weight pressing down on me but I don 't mind the dark . In fact I quite like it . It reminds me of home , my real one , from before I met people . As for being bitter , you can rule that out . I 'm a pearl , darling ; it 's not in my nature . You lot have seen me as a symbol of love for thousands of years and I do try to live up to my name by being kind - although I cannot help but wince sometimes at the irony , given that the first person I ever met died . Don 't look at me like that ; it wasn 't my fault . But that 's why she doesn 't like me . All the same , when you 've being kept in a family for over a century you do take an interest in your present owner , even if it 's not reciprocated , so I enjoy listening to the young ones ' gossip . Let them have their fun while they still can . The best they can hope for is a place in a child 's dressing - up box in just a few , short years so they might as well enjoy it . 2 . Memories . I might be old - fashioned and be from a past that she and you would rather forget , but I 'm not like your kind . I will endure and outlive the others , her - even you . And I never forget . My memory doesn 't grow weak with age , it gets stronger . I can still smell what my home was like ; still feel the movements of the person who found me when he panicked and rushed too quickly to the top , and the urgent , grasping hand of the first , but different person to ever touch me , as though I 'd only stopped smelling and feeling them a minute ago . The memories of my owners and the events in their lives play like the films you are so fond of ; the moment when her grandfather proposed to her grandmother , and the christening of her mother , they are a3 . Before she grew up . I suppose you think it strange that her grandmother , ( or The Matriarch as she jokingly calls her , ) skipped a generation and gave me to someone who doesn 't like me , but it never used to be this way . When she was little and used to visit her grandmother she would ask , ( very politely after giving her a peck on the cheek , ) if she could play with her jewellery box . The answer was always yes , and she would very carefully hunt through the diamonds and gold to find me , pin me to her jumper and wear me for the rest of the time she was there . It became something of a ritual , to the point where her grandmother began to pick me out herself and would put me on the coffee table ready for when she arrived . When she was eighteen , The Matriarch had a heart attack , and fearing that she would never leave hospital , insisted on the girl 's mother driving for two hours to get me , so that she could give me to her personally before it was too late . They were very close , and still are in spite of the distance , for she survived against all the odds . Whenever she goes to see her she always comments on how lovely it is , seeing her granddaughter all grown up , wearing her old brooch that 's always been her favourite . And I was for a time . Traditionally I was only worn for a special or significant occasion , but when she was at college I had the strange but enjoyable experience of being put in her pocket and going with her , and if she felt nervous about something her fingers would slide down to stroke me . Normally I hated people manhandling me , but I didn 't mind in her case - it was better than her biting her nails . It was almost as if she thought that having me with her would stop something bad happening - and I have been viewed as ' lucky . ' Stop sniggering , it 's true . In the days of knights and sword - fighting , we would be worn when the rich and noble went into battle because they thought we would protect them from harm , so don 't laugh at her . It felt good , being wanted , and I have to confess I came in danger You don 't like being reminded of your past - those days of glory when Britain ruled half the world . I think that 's why you apologise so much , and give more than you can afford to charities trying to save the poor and starving around the globe . It 's almost as though you 're trying to make up for all the wrongs done before you were born . And I 've tried to avoid talking about it in case you ran away - I get lonely sometimes and it 's nice having someone to talk to . But you can 't run forever , things have to be faced eventually . Some of you may already know and may already be trying to shut out the sound of my words by turning your thoughts to the plans you 've made for the weekend , but there 'll be a lot of you who don 't . There are lots of happy anecdotes from my owners ' lives I could have told you but this is the one you need to hear : My story . We are not like your kind , but there is one thing we have in common : just as you can 't remember coming out of the womb , we don 't know what it was like being a grain of sand or piece of shell squeezing our way inside an oyster and hardening ; all I remember is being . There were no thoughts , for when you live inside a shell there isn 't a great deal to think about - nothing happens . That probably sounds dull to you but there was no sadness , no pain or death . It was peaceful , just being . I didn 't know this at the time but even nothing has to come to an end eventually : the day would always have come when I would be found . It will be hard for you to understand what it was like being taken out of water , hearing sounds , seeing colours and light - all for the first time . On paper it sounds great , this explosion of life , but the reality was frightening - and even fear was something I had never heard of or felt before . Maybe that 's why your newborns usually cry when they come out , because they 're scared and want to go back . I 'm trying to think of ways to describe how it was to you , and the only way I can think of is for you to imagine an ancient Egyptian being placed in the middle of a supermarket . That might give you a better idea , but even that doesn 't come close . I 've learnt a lot since then - ( I 've had to , I didn 't have any other choice - ) but there 's one thing I 've never been able to get my head around , and that is time . Your lives are ruled by clocks and diaries telling you when deadlines or birthdays are due , but when you have so much time whole years , even decades can pass you by . Forgive me then , if I am a little hazy on dates . What I can tell you is that I was brought to the surface in the late 1800s , which makes me special . There aren 't many of us that come from nature now . Most are made by man in bulk on farms . Things changed . You suddenly became concerned about human life and diving equipment got better . Both meant that the world 's poor no were no longer forced to hold their breaths for comments » I knew that someone important was going to walk into my life at 12 : 15 , just after I normally drink tea and prepare for an slow day working on the horoscope . Now , maybe you might not believe me . After all , I am a professional charlatan . But I knew something was up , because for the last two weeks every prediction I have made actually worked out . It started when I saw Mrs Henderson . She was a fat woman , an unpleasant woman , a great client . Like most people who wanted a reading , she didn 't want the truth . And normally I didn 't give it to her . I pulled out the equipment . It was a plain set . It looked like bone china , but was made in china for a very low price . Mrs Henderson looked impressed anyway . She had a lot of money , and not a lot of sense . Anyway , I started reading the information contained in the tea leafs . And then the world went blank . When I returned to the world , Mrs Henderson was gone . I walked out of the shop I had rented , and another of the shopkeepers came up to me . He was normally an quiet , amicable chap . This time he looked like he wanted to throttle me . " She came out of here . Howling and crying , like you 'd tried to kill her . " he put his face up to mine , " You ever do it again and I 'll . . " " I don 't know what you 're talking about , " and I backed away from him . He stalked off . I walked back to my shop , ready to wait for my next appointment . Mrs Abbot didn 't come . She left a nervous message on my answer phone . At the time I didn 't realise why . Because I had no other clients for the day , I went home . My mouth opened wide . It was such a shock , it seemed like I 'd just been told I was about to die . And then . Then I was in my bed , looking at the ceiling . The police officers had gone . But it felt more real than a dream . It must have been a dream . Yeah , that was what it was , I convinced myself . Although I should have known better . In Ireland you can make a full time living as a psychic . less so in England . The English wouldn 't even pay you if you could predict the lottery . So I also work as a pitchman . Which , if you think about it , is just another way to make a dishonest buck . I walked to the nearest boot sale , and set up . It isn 't too crowded in the morning . And everyone is busy . So I crawl in through the hedge . They don 't know that I 'm there against the rules . I set up . My table is old fashioned . A suitcase with legs you fold out . Like the true pitchmen of the 50 's . My pitch is the worm . They wiggle around my hand , like they are alive . The fools in the crowd gave me money . That is what they are for . She had the longest blondest hair this side of fairyland , and her smile lights up the room like a flashlight . And I knew I am meant to talk to her . Just now . She walked off . I had the sense she is in trouble . She was poorer than she used to be , her clothes were expensive , but last years fashion . I had a feeling I will meet her again . When I got there , there was Mrs Henderson and her husband . Their eyes were red . They had been crying . I couldn 't understand what they were there for . I managed to get them to leave . At first I thought that the gossip would help me . But the truth is , no one wants to go to a psychic that tells them the truth . Life is hard enough . You go to a psychic to hear lies . I made some money as a pitchman , so it didn 't affect me too much . But I kept on having bad dreams . I kept on seeing people I knew in them . Not just that , I saw how they died . Their pain . And I started to write down what I saw . In a book by my bedside cabinet . The extra time I had meant I was drinking more too . It was like I 'd been cursed . But the worst was the Christians . They decided that these dreams were inspired by Satan . They set up the picket line in front of my office . I started to think I should simply leave . On Wednesday , the cleaner came in . She was a nosy parker . And no mistake . Her husband had died a few years back , and she was interested in everything . While it 's not the way she put it , she was very interested in the diary . All the details of the different murders and deaths I 'd seen . All the factual details that no one else other than the murderer could know . She took it to the police , and they read it , and they got their warrant . I arrived back at the normal time , and nothing was different . The book was there . I didn 't notice the surveillance cameras . Not at all . They broke in that night . It wasn 't a dream . And I looked up to them bleary eyed , a gun pointing in my face , and swore . They dragged me towards the back of the car , and I noticed someone had decided to give the press warning . So it was very public . Once in , they took me right there . And kitted me out in fetching jail clothing , since I was still in pyjamas . This was the first time I was in jail , and I can tell you it is not as bad as some people say . There is an odd vinegar smell , hiding other bodily fluids . And it is never quiet . There is always shouting going on , and doors slammed . But it was no worse than some hotels I 've been in while performing . I looked across at my lawyer . Short , thin , balding and bored . The police officer had my diary in front of him . He picked it up . " In it , you 've got the details of dozens of murders . Information the police hasn 't released to the public . Information . . . dare I say it , in some cases that the police didn 't even know themselves . " And that was it . That was the full content of the interview . I was hustled off into the cell , and ended up waiting for days . In telephone conversations with friends , I knew the police were digging up my life . I was given a notebook , and a pen , and I continued to write down my dreams . I thought I might as well . The police would search my cell every now and again , and confiscate them . They even moved me to solitary . Made sure no one could be feeding me this information . Or , presumably , that I wasn 't ordering the killings . But the dreams continued . They were getting worse and worse . Every morning I woke up feeling like I had not slept . I guess at least things looked up , because they took me from prison . They drove me along country lanes , towards a building . I can 't tell you precisely where it was . It just looked like an old school to be honest . You 'd never have guessed it was an intelligence headquarters . They bundled me out into an empty building . You 've heard of the secret prisons . Well , they are true . They dressed me up in a uniform , tagged my ankle , and locked me in a cage . The only thing they gave me was some paper and a pen to write down my dreams . Sometimes people came to research me . They put me in scanners , and gave me all kinds of medical tests . The results were unsurprising . I was just a normal , healthy individual . And that was how it seemed I was destined to live for the rest of my life . Until I started to hear the voices . They were low . Just like someone was talking in the next room . Distant . And I couldn 't make them out . That night I was tossing and turning , and I heard someone shout out my name . I woke up . No one was there . Then I tried to get asleep again , and managed it . But the voice was insistent . Nothing answered me . The guards walked past my cell . But with the dreams and the voices , I was getting no sleep . It started to affect me so badly I would not even eat food . Within a few days I was exhausted . Mentally and physically drained . And I guess that is what the creatures wanted . Because soon they broke through . It 's hard to tell you how it felt . But if you have ever had a moment of shock , when you suddenly feel like you aren 't there , you 'll know . He said his name . And then the voice faded away . But I knew I had to do precisely what he told me . I 'd go mad otherwise . Maybe I was already mad . The opportunity came sooner than I expected . My handlers were getting anxious . I was producing less predictions than normal , and the federal conviction rate was plummeting through the floor . The handlers looked like model citizens . Dark suits , a man and a woman dressed formally , like they were lawyers . They flashed their badge to me . I don 't know why , the fact I was in a prison gave them away . The police officer fell back . You could see him working it through in his mind . Despite the success of my predictions , he settled on the conclusion I was mad . After all , psychic phenomena were impossible . He 'd read that once . I shook my head . But that night , I was thinking about it , and decided that I had to ask . Had to have a conversation , if only for my sanity . When the voices started up , I leaned forward in my bed . I asked the question again . But he would say nothing of use to me . he would only repeatedly ask me to find his killers . Not very useful . Eventually , I managed to coax his name from him . Nigel . Not a very good name for a joke . That was the strange thing . No murder victims of that name came up . Not any time soon . But a week later , a Nigel disappeared . And I realised the truth . I looked through the court reports . He had been killed by stabbing . They wouldn 't let me out of the jail . So all I could do was read the files they brought on him . And I got the feeling that many of the details had been redacted . it was like looking for a haystack in an elephant : messy and not very satisfactory . There were only two people I decided who could have done it . They both had a great deal to gain . At the end of the day , though , there is a limit to what you can do from inside a jail cell . The guards looked sceptically at me when I asked for it . But I was responsible for half the murder arrests in the district for the last six months . So they eventually gave me what I wanted . Especially when I refused to furnish them with any more information . I don 't know if you have ever been to a proper séance . Well , to be honest , most of the time the knocks are from the medium . But this time it was different . Within moments of the séance starting , I was aware that the room was colder . Then the entire board lifted off the table , and flew towards me . It hit the wall a few inches from my face . The room warmed up again . The presence was gone . For a little while . " I didn 't " I replied . I knew that he didn 't believe me . But he would have to show more senior people . And I knew they couldn 't afford to risk me . I went back to bed . For the first time in weeks , I had no bad dreams . I guess Nigel knew I understood his message . I slept very soundly . Until the next morning . But my guards didn 't really understand . Or they did not want to understand . My handler met me in the interview room the next morning . He looked tired . Besides him sat a man I hadn 't seen before . He wore the cleanest , most expensive suit I had seen during my stay at the states pleasure . The man stood up . He walked out of the room . Measured , and without menace . But he didn 't seem to be a man used to dealing with no . My handler shook his head . He didn 't need to tell me the consequences . All of a sudden , I was put on suicide watch . Woken up every thirty minutes to see if I wasn 't dead yet . The heating in my cell surprisingly broke . I knew I was in their hands totally . But I never realised what it was like to displease them . You see , Nigel might be a ghost , but that doesn 't mean he is stupid . He can see what is happening . He knows they are stopping me doing what he wants . And this gets him angry . They first times he acted , it looked like coincidence . The guards chair would tilt under him , depositing him on the floor . Or cups of coffee were not placed firmly enough on the table . The guards were spooked by me . They knew that I was able to see things they could not . But although the guards face became pale , his hand on the trigger was steady and firm . It was too late . The chair slammed into the guard . He dropped to the floor . Then I saw the guards keys float from his pocket . My cell door was unlocked . I walked over to the guard , stripped his clothes off , and changed into his uniform . I thought I didn 't have much of a choice . If I didn 't do what Nigel wanted he would kill me . Every door I came to slid open without me doing anything . It would have been creepy if I didn 't know what was happening . Soon the alarms started to ring out . People would be grabbing their guns , getting ready to shoot me . I could feel my heart trying to escape from my chest . I soon arrived at fire exit . It opened in front of me . I climbed down some steps . Below me , I could see coppers swarming . I continued to walk down . One of the coppers recognised me . I ran in the opposite direction . He took aim , and I could hear the gun explode behind me . But the bullet didn 't pierce my skin like I expected . Instead , it ended in the ground . I reached a police car , and the engine came on without anyone doing anything . Then I went into a store and bought black trousers and a white shirt . Got changed . And walked out of the shopping centre , expecting to be caught at any time . In my pocket there was five hundred dollars . That was all I had in the world , except for an insane ghost . I decided it was time to go to the library . After chatting to the librarian for a few seconds , she walked me over to a computer which had copies of the local papers for the last twenty years . I typed a search . At first I found nothing , but as I expanded the search back I found him . According to the interview , he was found murdered in his bed . He had been asleep . His wife had been charged and convicted of his murder . But she said she was innocent . Nothing came in response . I knew that would happen . It was too much to hope for . It was getting late at night . The librarian was fussing near me . It was time to go . When you are a fugitive , it isn 't as simple to find a place to stay as booking a room in a hotel . I walked round , looking for an empty house . It took me an hour . Occasionally a police car would go past . It made me nervous . At one time it would have been a posh bungalow . But whoever had owned it had been taken to a care home , and it was covered in weeds and neglect . I walked up to the door , and it swings open . That is one of the advantages of your own private poltergeist . Inside it was a mess . But dry and water proof . There was a wood burning stove in one room . The power was off , and Nigel didn 't turn it on . But the water was only off at the mains . It was easy enough to get it working again . In the morning I would have to start the process of searching for Nigel Slater . I knew roughly where he lived . I fell asleep , and woke up hungry and cramped . Outside , I could hear rustling . I peeked through the window , and could see a man dressed only in black . He looked like he was not very friendly . I ducked down , but he must have seen me . He edged towards the door . It was locked , but he slammed it open . I hid behind the sofa . it didn 't help . He walked towards me . I noticed he had a poker in his hand . There was no way he wouldn 't find me . I stood up . I looked over at him . He had a long scar down his face . it seemed like he was used to trouble . And he was straining to start a fight . I did what he said . He followed me . I thought he might hit me at any second . or recognise me . They must have put my picture out into the news by now . I sighed with relief , but knew that my location might be passed onto the police . I decided it was time to get out of the town . I caught a bus , and tried to hide my face . Since I hadn 't had a bath for a few days it was easier than you might think . People did not want to look me in the eyes . I arrived at Nigel 's house six hours latter . It was a solemn house . A plane front garden laid to grass , brick frontage , and white windows . It didn 't look like anyone had ever cared for it . It looked like it was a place to sleep and not to stay . It took me a few minutes to settle down , and watch the street . There was nothing extraordinary about it . A few people walked past , taking little interest in the stranger . After watching for half an hour , I knew there was little information here for me . Talking round the local shops I found out that Nigel had been a quiet man . Few people knew him , past his saying hello . he didn 't seem to have been involved in anything wrong . or indeed in anything at all . I decided that there could only really have been one source of trouble . He must have found out something at work . Something that made him worth more to someone dead than alive . I got some annual reports from his company and studied them . Amazing what is available on the internet these days . There was little of interest . I applied to work at Nigel 's company as a cleaner . it was a big risk . I supplied false references , and knew they would not check them for months . That 's the thing about cleaners . No one takes any notice . So I got the job , and examined the work place thoroughly . It looked like an office . The computers were always on . Once or twice I looked over the shoulder of someone working but it was all gobbledygook to me . To make it worse , I saw my face on the newspaper when I went for food . Sure , I looked a lot different now . I had grown longer hair , a beard , and was thinner . But it was still me . I grew suspicious of other people . Then came my big break . Several people were working in the office late . I overhead them speaking about a billion dollar deal . The company was getting bought out . I checked the internet , and there was something in the trade section . The routine was the same every day . But one of my colleagues had not turned up to work . So I was asked to clean the main office . I did so . But I did more than that , I broke into the file cabinets , and started reading company secrets . But that didn 't save me for long . The next day I arrived at work a few minutes earlier . Something told me that things were wrong . The security guard on the gate was new . He told me to go out to the bosses office . I walked into a small lab , and looked around . There was a window , and I tried to open it . In the distance I could see five police cars . The window wouldn 't open . There was only one way out . And I knew that by now , there would be police officers between me and the door . I looked round to find a chair . Then used it to break the window . The alarm went , and I slid through the empty hole . But I caught my shoulder on a shard of glass . I was bleeding . The police gave up their pretence . Dozens of sirens started up , heading towards the building . I ran through a green space . I knew that there was only one way out of the compound except the front gate . A hole in the fence I had noticed a few days earlier . But over head their was a helicopter . Although I ran like the wind , it wasn 't enough . I could hear the police men getting closer and closer . I turned around and saw two police officers . They both had guns pointed at me . I raised my hands , and they soon had me on the ground . I arrived at my destination a few hours latter . This time they were taking no chances . I arrived at a super maximum prison . Surrounded by barbed wire , dogs , and armed police officers it was obvious I 'd never get out . The next day the interrogation began . Again and Again . Asking me where I had gone . What I had done . I eventually broke down and told them everything . But that didn 't stop them continuing . Maybe what they were doing was no crime . But it was a form of torture . Eventually , the interrogations stopped . They gave me paper . They wanted to go back to how it used to be . But by that time I had got so angry , even when I did have a dream I kept it to myself . I wasn 't there . So all I can do is repeat the report that was made to me . No guarantee it is what happened . Apparently the director of the FBI had been having an extramarital affair . He was in bed that normal , and engaging in exercise at the same time . This was not expected , but what was even more unexpected was the windows opening wide . And the explosions of a gun . The director of the FBI 's gun . But I do know that it made the national news . The assistant director of the FBI resigned . And , to be frank , most of the people in the FBI did not care much about that . But it was fair warning . He didn 't seem to be exactly happy about what had happened . In fact , he stormed in to the visiting room , and let loose a barrage of swear words . I sat there passively , listening to him . When he calmed down sufficiently , he sat down . " Nigel was right . All he wants is his murderer found . But he isn 't going to stop . Not until that is done . Not even if he has to kill someone else to do it . " " No . I am not . Nigel is a threat to you . If you stand in the way , that is . He is a ghost . What can you do to get rid of him ? " The director of the FBI thought for a few seconds . An hour latter , a priest turned up with bell , book and candle . it didn 't work spectacularly . The power went off , the candle blew out , the bell rang , and the book was thrown across the room . The director gestured to the mirror and two toughs walked in . They carried some rope . They tied me to the chair , and lifted a cosh over their heads . Then all hell broke lose . The cosh swung back by itself . it raised into the air , and came down , laying out one of the thugs . The other caught me a glancing blow , but something unseen lifted him from the floor and threw him against the wall . " You have a choice . Director . Help find Nigel 's killer . Or , I think , Nigel will chase you down and gut you like a fish . " Eventually the Director settled down again . He sat in his chair , silently looking at me . I wasn 't a pretty picture . Thin , and in prison coveralls . I must have looked like a real criminal . They let me go that afternoon . Put me in a suit , and told me I was seconded to the FBI . I was even given my own agent . He was tall , thin , and looked every inch the government man . The agent shook his head . He gave nothing away . That was when I knew he wasn 't sent to help me . Just to keep an eye out on me . Nevertheless , I decided that I could use him . Like he wanted to use me . I looked over to him , and told him to get a warrant . We were going to search Nigel 's company . And read every damn bit of paper they had about Sigma . When we arrived at the door , they had their lawyer sorted out already . Someone must have leaked it . He looked like he had cost a lot of money . " I 'm afraid we have the right not to incriminate ourselves . We are asserting that right . Both as a company , and as individuals . So , no , you can ask any questions but we will not answer them . " I was surprised when I found the clue . It was something no one else would have noticed . A single envelope in the bin . It contained an address . I think Nigel must have been helping me . I was drawn to it . But the thing I noticed was the fact the address had a Sigma stamp . Once we were out of the building , I decided to break away from the FBI agent . I knew some things would work better on my own . it was easier said than done . When I tried to go for a walk that night , he insisted on staying right by me . Getting to the address was difficult . I didn 't have a car , I had to take the bus . Most of the journey there wasn 't even that . And it had began to rain . I must have looked odd , walking around town that late at night , soaked . In fact , I surprised no copper stopped me . " Good enough , " I said . Knowing I was lying as I said it . It wasn 't like it was my strong point . The expression on the coppers face showed he thought not either . He stood there behind me his mouth opened , as I shimmied the lock . it opened . I walked in . This was a mistake , I didn 't notice the small CCTV camera , the camera that was hidden in a plug socket . But it was sending my picture right up to the security office . I worked quickly , going up the stairs to the office . I don 't know what I had expected to see . But what I did see looked just like any other office . Even down to the half drunk cup of coffee . I woke up in the boot of a car . I could feel the engine running , and smell burning petrol . It was pick black . The car started off , bumping along the ground . Hitting me from side to side . My hands were tied behind my back . It was lucky I knew a little magic . I got the knot loose without much effort . Then I grovelled around the car to find something , anything that could help me . There was a wrench , which I picked up . I put the rope around my wrists , hiding the fact I was loose . And put the wrench in my pocket . The boot of the car swung open . One of the security guards lifted me out of the boot . He was covered in muscle . My mouth opened wide . That was the last thing I expected to hear . They marched me along the ground and I saw him for the first time . Nigel . Alive . Then the room went strange . Something turned the lights off , and opened the windows . It even raised a chair off the ground . The security guard looked worried for the first time . " For the last month , I have been searching for the person who killed Nigel Slater . You , sir , are Nigel Slater . But it seems your ghost hasn 't got the information you are alive . " But it didn 't work . By the time that the ambulance arrived , Nigel was in a deep coma . It took only a short time after that until the first homicide detective got there . But the truth is , it was fate . No ones fault . Except the murderer . After all , how can Nigel Slater 's ghost come into my dreams unless he is actually killed ? What happened next surprised me . The cops arrested me . Told me I was being held on suspicion of murder . I told them not to be idiots , but they wrote it in their notebooks and not their minds . By that point the clues would be getting stale , so I drove right to the company . But they wouldn 't let me in . it was a police investigation , they said . No dice . I called the FBI agent and asked him to run the full scan on Slater . By the time he had finished I would know every single family member . And all I had to do was interview them . The only clue left to me was Sigma . The company was closed for a few hours , but the managing director wasn 't . Again the FBI came to my rescue . They had the address , and I wasn 't afraid to use it . We walked up the garden path . It wasn 't the most luxurious house that a managing director had ever lived at . But I knocked on the door anyway . I walked in . Behold , the group was all there . The director of the FBI himself . The attorney general . And a four star general . I could feel the back of my assistant straightening up . The Managing Director pressed a button on the TV . It switched on . Nigel Slater 's office . I saw him pick up his glass . Put the chemicals in it . The MD fast forwarded . Nigel killed himself . " Oil . We got him to produce computer models . All the oil reserves . He was so great . . . well , he could produce a program that told us exactly where oil was , just from satellite images . " Just at that moment a dozen armed guards came into the room . Their guns were pointed right at me . I raised my hands , and was soon plunged into the carpet . They searched me . Didn 't find anything interesting . " Yeah . But I don 't think you did it . I don 't think you were that smart . But I don 't know what this being who calls himself Nigel Slater is , " I didn 't struggle . By now , them putting handcuffs on me was almost routine . I just wish I had been able to continue my life as a charlatan . I didn 't know what to say to that . it was true . it was obvious when you think about it . Nigel had told me he was murdered when he was still alive . but no one ever said the soul was bound to the arrow of time . Within a few minutes we had picked up an escort . From what I could tell , they had closed the road down . Only we were travelling that evening . I gulped . It looked like things were just about to head for the worse . The trip to the Whitehouse was the most fraught I had experienced in my life . The director of the FBI was reading faxes and emails in the car . His face was getting more and more pale . " I guess like the English did in WWII . With disinformation . We need to get an Chinese agent and feed him bad info . And I guess Nigel might be your best hope for that . " I guess the FBI director caught on quickly . Because he could go anywhere , Nigel could listen to the Chinese chatter . He could find Chinese agents . Maybe he didn 't know Chinese , but he knew enough to listen in to the English language conversations . It wasn 't a new concept . The CIA had investigated it in the sixties . But they didn 't have a real life ghost , so their experiments failed . This time we had a real ghost . I asked them to pick out the Ouija board again . The séance room was a sight you had never seen in your life . The president and the director of the FBI holding hands , in a dark room . The president of the united states shook his head . You could tell he couldn 't believe what he was seeing . He got up from his seat , and you could almost hear his bones cracking . Over in the corner of the room I could see a computer with satellite images . I could watch the Chinese fleet mobilising in real time . The number of dots that represented aircraft carriers alone was scary . " It will only be a few days before we have to mobilise our own navy . " The wait was excruciating . But suddenly five hours latter , the board started spelling out a name . The FBI director went to work . Within minutes they had the file out . He didn 't look like what you would expect of a Chinese agent . He had long , blonde hair , was dressed in a respectable suit , and had a respectable job . He worked in the old navy base . His job was to work on the files , reading sensitive military information . Including information about resource allocation . Once they checked his bank account the truth became obvious . The FBI director stood up , and paced down the long thin corridor . Then he arrived back in the meeting room with a young woman . She was dressed in military uniform . He explained the plan . It was simple . The Chinese agent needed to think it had all been a hoax . But for that to work , he would have to eat a pack of lies . I wasn 't there , so I can report only what I have been told . The female agent I had been introduced to worked in the old navy headquarters . She worked in the files there . It is a room full of top secret papers . Room might be the wrong word ; it was the size of an aircraft hanger . She worked there , and had spent months being bored . So naturally , she had struck up a conversation with the handsome blonde military attaché . And , the conversation was reciprocated . The director of the FBI looked at her . She didn 't look like much to put the freedom of the world onto . But she was eager . And after being told what to do , she didn 't complain . She saluted . I stood at the back of the room , watching the Director of the FBI feeling out the officer , and knew I would have to talk to Nigel alone . I didn 't trust her . She looked too good to be true with her starched uniform and willing smile . The new agent went into a staff car , to be driven to the headquarters . She looked very lonely in the back of the car . Meanwhile , we walked to the operations room . There was a banks of monitors the length of the room . We could see satellite images of the build up of the Chinese fleet , as well as real time updates of our spies . I nodded . Then looked back over to the screens . I could see our agent depositing the papers in her draw . She phoned up the Chinese agent , and set up dinner . It looked like a glorious feast . Roast duck , with all the trimmings . The doorbell went . She walked over to it , and opened it . She said something , and the Chinese agent walked into the room . After ten minutes of conversation , she walked away . To go to the toilet . He walked over to the draws , and started rummaging . After a few minutes he found the file our agent had left . He took out the smallest camera you have ever seen , and clicked the image . After that , he put the files away . After he left , the confirmation came thick and fast . The Chinese fleet disbanded . It was amazing to see , but they split up within a matter of hours . Soon the sea around Taiwan was empty except for commercial shipping . I guess that if this had been a story that would be it . I would have been given a party , a celebration , and been allowed to leave . After all , I had saved the day . Well , Nigel did leave . I haven 't heard from him since . After they had finished celebrating , a guard collected me , and drove me in a prison van to here . It is a cold concrete cell . I am allowed a TV , and to write carefully vetted letters . I 'm not sure how I will post this , my story . Maybe I will write it under the postage stamp . I guess for an old crook like me , it is fair . But I wish I had been sent to jail for something I did . And not for some trumped up terrorist charge . Currently we only offer payment for one story selected as the feature story in the monthly pdf magazine only . The successful author will be contacted to organise payment via paypal for a $ 5AUD payment . 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The ship swayed and creaked . He feels every bit of it in his body . Taking no chances the crew , damnedable pirates , have chained him with no give . Legs bound in a kneeling position , arms chained to either wall crucifying him to the ship like a perverse figurehead , he 's been their captive long enough to have forgotten the feel of kindness . It is a small blessing that their fear of him keeps his gag in place at all times . It keeps them from coming anywhere near him . The captain learned a long time ago that he gleans all he needs to live from the moisture in the air , the brine in his eyes . During storms , when he is strongest , the captain posts guards with him . They don 't look at him . A terrible hope fills him today . By the movement of the ship and the crew 's curses , he knows that they 're being pursued by another ship . This ship is a runner , fast . There 'd be little concern of capture if the ship did not gain its quickness from being light , gain its lightness from having little room for armaments or supplies . The pursuers have had them going for a week now and they 'd been out of port for at least a month . He knows from the panic in the crew that the food is all but gone . Soon they 'll be too weak to load what small guns are aboard . He 'd be surprised if they could remember how to sight the cannons it 's been so long since the captain has ordered them used . His hope stems from the pirates ' desperation . If they succumb to practicality then they 'll come for him . With frightened hearts and shaking hands , they 'll undo his chains and he 'll get to spend some time under the sky instead of under foot . So he waits for their desperation to bloom practicality . It does not take long . The first mate comes with three guards and the keys . It is always the first mate that comes to get him . The captain coming himself would make him a person that the captain fears , he wouldn 't last long once that got out among the crew . The first mate is the only one he trusts with the keys to his chains . " The captain wants to see you . " He speaks with a unique accent that comes with the ship 's pidgin of French , Spanish , and Greek . His ears hear the gibberish , but his mind provides him with the meaning . Slowly , they unchain his arms from the ship and secure them behind his back . The guards are afraid to touch him , unsure whether he 'll break or they 'll be infected with something . It strikes him as odd how religious some of these men are . Coming onto the deck , sea spray hits him in the face , covers his bare chest . He instantly feels more alive . He stands taller , muscles flex , the chains bite into his skin . They take him to the captain , standing at the aft of the ship . He stands beside the captain looking out at the wide ocean , the only thing marring their perfect view of the horizon the pursuers . The first mate and guards fold themselves into the three other men standing around them . The captain just stands there for a few minutes , ignoring him . This too is done to show the crew he will do this in his own time , to show that the man he keeps below decks does not frighten him . Around the gag , behind the locked mouth plate , he smiles . Only he and the captain know what he is , and he knows that the captain is frightened of that . " I have use of you . " From under his coat he draws out the key that only he is allowed to keep . He inserts into lock for the face plate . " If you hurt this ship my men will stab you and you will die before you can swim for freedom . Like always , yeah ? " He nods . It 's always the same threat . It vaguely occurs to him that this is only a half life . But then , the spirits would kill for half a life . The plate falls away and he spits the wooden wedge from his mouth . His tongue sticks out , tasting the salt in the air . He flexes his jaw , taking in the blue sky , the white clouds , the gentle waves . He smiles at the captain . Other than the crew 's swords there is very little compelling him . Finally , the captain 's annoyance at the delay shows on his face . He focuses on ship on the horizon . He tries not to think of the men on the ship . He knows he will have to answer for his actions one day , but he 's trying to postpone that day for as long as possible . " I 'm fine . Sorry . " The cabby 's eyes dart from the road to the rearview mirror and back . " I 'm good . I 'm okay . " The cabby 's eyes return to the road and stay there , Lawrence was prepared to keep reassuring him for the rest of the drive as long as he didn 't take his eyes off the road . " That jetlag 's a bitch , isn 't it ? " " Yeah , jetlag . " He doesn 't really feel like talking so he looks out the window . What he sees unsettles him so much that he almost closes his eyes again . Outside the cab desert stretched on for miles . When he 'd met the cabby at the airport he 'd been fine . They 'd been in the middle of a city . He preferred the buildings and people to the endless dry expanse . He tried to think of it as a sea of earth but it just made him queasy . He can 't help it , he closes his eyes . " We 're almost there , " the cabby rouses him . " If I 'd of known I wouldn 't have let you sleep at all . You wouldn 't believe how many people fall asleep in my cab from the airport . " The cabby keeps up a steady stream of chitchat for the next few minutes . Lawrence doesn 't say much , but he 's glad for the distraction . " Here we go , buddy . " He pulls up in front of an independent diner . Lawrence can tell the sign was made with care when it was painted , years in the desert sun has faded it badly . " They got good food here ? " " I don 't know . This is my first time here . " He pays the fare and steps out of the air - conditioned interior . His lips are immediately dry and cracked . The heat cuts him to the core as fast as it dried his lips , the urge to speak rises in him . He needs to escape this heat , he 's drowning in dryness . He rushes inside hoping that they 'll have air - conditioning . No such luck . The interior of the restaurant is as faded as the exterior . He seats himself , impatiently tapping his foot waiting for the waitress . He can hear the sound of the wind . Not the dry , lifeless wind of the desert , but the damp , alive wind of the storm . It 's calling to him , begging him to call out . He licks his lips with a tongue he can barely feel . He can 't help himself , the desert is antithesis for him . Why had he decided to come here ? To satisfy some adolescent curiosity ? He takes one long , shuttering breath . " The special , two of them , just bring me a pitcher of water . " His throat feels so dry . He has to speak now before he loses his chance . " Hmph ! " With blurry vision he watches her flounce back to the kitchen . He grabs the edge of the table to steady himself . He 's clenching his jaw by the time she comes back with a glass for him . He swallows half of it . The cool liquid fills him , calming him . Vision clears , hands stop shaking , the urge lessening . The torrent of wind in his ears shifts to a gentle breeze . How close had he come ? The waitress turns to leave again , he grabs her arm . " Can I get you anything else ? " She says it in such a way that makes Lawrence wonder if it 's actually a question . She tired of him he can tell . She 's too used to bullying the locals . He doesn 't trying to be nice to her , he just takes out a fifty and lays it on the table . " This is your tip if you keep bringing me pitchers of water . " Her eyes gleam slightly as she stares at the bill on the table . Slowly she puts the pitcher on the table . " Thank you . " He drains the rest of his glass and pours another . He finishes this one in three huge gulps . He doesn 't feel as trapped now , his breathing has evened out . He fills the glass a third time , finishing off the pitcher , but only sips this one . A couple minutes pass , the waitress brings his two specials and another pitcher . Lawrence only picks at his food . Between the desert and the age of the equipment in the diner the food is completely dry . Mainly he just cuts up the food and moves it around on his plate . Mainly he watches the people in the restaurant . He immediately discounts his waitress . Seeing her move around the diner , speaking with her , she 's spent most of her life trying to get away from this place . It 's a pity that she 'd never really feel like she belongs anywhere . An old man sits in another booth . He is weathered , his countenance telling the story of a life in the desert . Despite the heat of the day he 's drinking coffee . Lawrence would have considered him a likely candidate if his research didn 't tell him he is looking for someone younger . Besides the old man doesn 't look like he belongs here , only that he 's gotten used to living here . It 's an old style diner setup , so Lawrence can see the cook behind the half wall separating the kitchen from the dining area . Cook would be a wonderful job for who he 's looking for . The heat rising from the stove providing a fix for the cravings while at work . Though nothing compared to the natural heat of the desert it would do while at work . Unfortunately the cook is wearing a sleeveless shirt that 's plastered to his body with sweat . Lawrence 's heart falls . He 's not close enough to the cook to pick up a flow from him , but the fact that he 's sweating tells him all he needs to know . It 's possible his sources were wrong . It 's not easy to track a Bearer . The burden / gift they bear making it too hard to get a fix on them . He 's about to get up , throwing the contents of his glass down his throat , when the kitchen door swings open and a young man steps through . Lawrence puts his cup down and watches him . Something in the way he moves is different . Somehow his movements come off as light , almost bouncy . Even just clearing dishes from tables , his movements are quick , precise . He wears a t - shirt , jeans , and boots , all are cheap , but he still has an air of status . Lawrence notes that he 's not sweating . He looks up , checking for more stray dishes . Lawrence motions him over . " You finished with this , mister ? " Lawrence inhales and catches the scent of aged stone . " Sorry , mister , I 'm just here for the dishes . You 'll want to try Craiper St . around ten tonight . " He grabs a plate , Lawrence grabs his wrist . Sun … Heat … Dry … Sand … Lawrence pulls his hand away , palm red . Perspiration stands out on the young man 's brow now , fear in his eyes . He slides into the booth across from Lawrence . Lawrence pours another glass of water and waits for the boy to say something . " I 'm on break ! " She throws up her hands and goes back into the kitchen . Tito smiles at Lawrence . " Let 's go outside . " Lawrence downs his water and follows him out and around the diner . " I 'm Benjamin Fuller , but everyone calls me , Tito . Now who the hell are you ? " It 's a fair question . If he doesn 't know what he is then he 's probably really freaked out . Lawrence can 't blame him , he 's been there . " Ha , not likely , man . " Tito looks skeptical , very skeptical . There 's at least fifteen years between them . And while Tito isn 't a full blooded Mexican , Lawrence can tell at least one of his parents is , while Lawrence couldn 't be more white without being an albino . It 's hard to believe . " I don 't mean biologically . I mean spiritually . " Tito 's face is instantly serious . " You can feel it , can 't you ? That subtle , tickling at the back of your brain that makes you feel like you know me , even while at your core I unsettle you . " " Yes . " Tito looks so relieved that it breaks Lawrence 's heart . He knows what it 's like to finally have this explained . Lawrence had spent three years in a mental hospital trying to deal by himself . Tito is a strong young man . " Where is there open desert ? " Tito points down an alley . Lawrence starts walking , Tito doesn 't need to be told to follow , he falls into step next to Lawrence careful not to touch him . They come out the other end of the alley seeing open land . For Lawrence it 's as close to nothing as he ever wants to get . Longing fills Tito 's eyes . " I want to share something with you . Watch out there . " Lawrence takes a deep breath and centers himself . The urge to speak has been growing since they stepped out of the diner , the dryness creeping in to all his dark places . Tito 's hands fly up to cover his ears . " Ah ! What the hell ? " FLASH ! BOOM ! The thunder cuts off any further curses . Tito 's gaze is drawn out to the desert , where black storm clouds have formed out of nowhere . The fear is back in his eyes , he retreats till his back hits the wall to the building . " What have you done ? " " I spoke my Word . We 're Word Bearers , Tito . You have your own . Can you feel it ? Deep in core . " Lawrence can see he 's confused . He 's frightened , overwhelmed . FLASHBOOM ! " You can stop this , Tito . Go ahead . Say your Word . I want to hear it . " " I don 't … I 'm not sure . " Confusion and fear war on Tito 's face . Lawrence hopes he won 't run . He didn 't mean to scare the boy . " Of course you 're sure . You 've known it for centuries , you just haven 't spoken it yet . It 's okay . I 'm here with you . " His first step is hesitant , his second is firm , his third is confident . Lawrence realizes he 's holding his breath . Tito looks up at him , he nods . Tito fixes his gaze on the storm . " " There it is . It 's as quiet as Lawrence 's Word is loud , but no less powerful . It 's so beautiful . As Lawrence watches the storm clouds dissipate a tear rolls down his cheek . 2 Dad suffered even from a sight of blood , and he never killed a hen nor slaughtered a pig . But I was aware that once he had donated his blood in the name of my Mum still , because she 'd had a narrow escape on an operating table then . With me a doctor would have my blood tested in a moment : one , two and it 's done . But first they make you ready for rather a time : take a seat , then have a proper finger chosen , though it is always just the one , then they wipe it with spirits until take somewhat sharp like a mini - scalpel . Not everyone can stand the procedure , but I was not against it when a doctor suggested me having my blood tested . She was a likable one , youngish for her age , not married or divorced , probably . And she had no child , I felt it immediately , she had such a look , barren if you want . Possibly for health reasons she could not bear a child or she didn 't find a right man . Or she could have a particular blood group not to have a child with anyone , that 's why she employed at a doctor 's consulting room to make blood tests . And she urged me to have my blood tested . At first I didn 't mind it , the right thing it is , still she didn 't ask my permission . " Just let 's have your blood tested " , she said and left me . She had many things to do I suppose . In doctor 's smocks they walked hither and thither all the time at a clinic there talking over the heads of those waiting , as if one was dead already . And I was still alive and a nurse was preparing to have my blood tested . While she got me ready she was chattering . She said that men were afraid of blood testing nowadays . More and more they refused to do it and ran away sometimes seeing a drop of blood . And one had nothing to fear , there was a couch behind the curtain in a special emergency to lie low , in case one fainted . She pulled the white curtain aside and showed me a couch with dark green leatherette and I shivered all at once : what for they needed my blood ? She suggested me taking off a jacket and rolling up my sleeve , left or right one , I don 't rMy Bio : Mr . Valery Petrovskiy is a journalist and short story writer from Russia . Не is an English Department graduate at Chuvash State University , Cheboksary , graduated in journalism at VKSch Higher School , Moscow and in psychology at Kazan State Technology University . He has been writing prose since 2005 . Some of his writing has been published in The Scrambler , Rusty Typer , BRICKrethoric , NAP Magazine , Literary Burlesque , The Other Room , Curbside Quotidian , DANSE MACABRE , WidowMoon Press , PRIME MINCER , Apocrypha and Abstractions , The Legendary in the USA , and in Australian " Skive " and " Going Down Swinging " magazines . At the moment he is writer - in - residence at Marco Polo Art Mag . It 's dark in here . That 's because I live at the bottom of the jewellery box along with the other outcasts : the tangled necklace with the broken lobster claw and teddy pendant she got for her eleventh birthday , along with the bracelet that 's missing a couple of gem stones . She always says she will have them repaired but never does , preferring to spend the money on more fashionable pieces instead that imitate Asian and Oriental designs . An untrained eye might imagine that they were found by a back - packer on their travels , but they weren 't . They can be bought from any shop on the high - street , and are merely echoes of worlds she 's never seen . Not all of us down here are broken though . I 'm not , and neither is the engagement ring she got from Mark , ( who eventually cheated on her with Shannon from Reception , ) or the belly bar she took out when she put weight on and decided looked too young for her anyway . The ones at the top who get worn more often pity us , ( ' how boring it must be , ' they say to each other in whispers they think we can 't hear , ' being cooped up down there , month in , month out , ' ) but in a way they 're jealous . As I 've said , you could buy them in their hundreds if you wanted to , and they are without sentimental value like the childhood necklace or the belly bar that reminds her of her wild teens and early twenties . They 're easily replaced and she gives them away when they become outdated - or chucks them if even her younger sister and the charity shops say no , thanks . She doesn 't like Mark 's ring or me , so it isn 't often that her fingers dig through the chunky bangles and strings of beads to bring me to the surface . It happens maybe three or four times a year when she has arranged to visit The Matriarch . The ring doesn 't even get a look in . Why Mark wouldn 't let her give it back to him so that he could give it to someone he did love is beyond us ; at least that way it would have been enjoyed . All the same , seeing as I 'm an heirloom and the ring is eighteen carat white goPerhaps you imagine I get bitter when the voices of the favoured ones float above my head , chattering away about their ventures out of the box : days at work , dinners , dates , parties and who was there , who wasn 't there , what she wore … you get the drift . Or worse , maybe you feel sorry for me . I 'd rather you didn 't . Pity the rest but not me . I 'm not so keen on their weight pressing down on me but I don 't mind the dark . In fact I quite like it . It reminds me of home , my real one , from before I met people . As for being bitter , you can rule that out . I 'm a pearl , darling ; it 's not in my nature . You lot have seen me as a symbol of love for thousands of years and I do try to live up to my name by being kind - although I cannot help but wince sometimes at the irony , given that the first person I ever met died . Don 't look at me like that ; it wasn 't my fault . But that 's why she doesn 't like me . All the same , when you 've being kept in a family for over a century you do take an interest in your present owner , even if it 's not reciprocated , so I enjoy listening to the young ones ' gossip . Let them have their fun while they still can . The best they can hope for is a place in a child 's dressing - up box in just a few , short years so they might as well enjoy it . 2 . Memories . I might be old - fashioned and be from a past that she and you would rather forget , but I 'm not like your kind . I will endure and outlive the others , her - even you . And I never forget . My memory doesn 't grow weak with age , it gets stronger . I can still smell what my home was like ; still feel the movements of the person who found me when he panicked and rushed too quickly to the top , and the urgent , grasping hand of the first , but different person to ever touch me , as though I 'd only stopped smelling and feeling them a minute ago . The memories of my owners and the events in their lives play like the films you are so fond of ; the moment when her grandfather proposed to her grandmother , and the christening of her mother , they are a3 . Before she grew up . I suppose you think it strange that her grandmother , ( or The Matriarch as she jokingly calls her , ) skipped a generation and gave me to someone who doesn 't like me , but it never used to be this way . When she was little and used to visit her grandmother she would ask , ( very politely after giving her a peck on the cheek , ) if she could play with her jewellery box . The answer was always yes , and she would very carefully hunt through the diamonds and gold to find me , pin me to her jumper and wear me for the rest of the time she was there . It became something of a ritual , to the point where her grandmother began to pick me out herself and would put me on the coffee table ready for when she arrived . When she was eighteen , The Matriarch had a heart attack , and fearing that she would never leave hospital , insisted on the girl 's mother driving for two hours to get me , so that she could give me to her personally before it was too late . They were very close , and still are in spite of the distance , for she survived against all the odds . Whenever she goes to see her she always comments on how lovely it is , seeing her granddaughter all grown up , wearing her old brooch that 's always been her favourite . And I was for a time . Traditionally I was only worn for a special or significant occasion , but when she was at college I had the strange but enjoyable experience of being put in her pocket and going with her , and if she felt nervous about something her fingers would slide down to stroke me . Normally I hated people manhandling me , but I didn 't mind in her case - it was better than her biting her nails . It was almost as if she thought that having me with her would stop something bad happening - and I have been viewed as ' lucky . ' Stop sniggering , it 's true . In the days of knights and sword - fighting , we would be worn when the rich and noble went into battle because they thought we would protect them from harm , so don 't laugh at her . It felt good , being wanted , and I have to confess I came in danger You don 't like being reminded of your past - those days of glory when Britain ruled half the world . I think that 's why you apologise so much , and give more than you can afford to charities trying to save the poor and starving around the globe . It 's almost as though you 're trying to make up for all the wrongs done before you were born . And I 've tried to avoid talking about it in case you ran away - I get lonely sometimes and it 's nice having someone to talk to . But you can 't run forever , things have to be faced eventually . Some of you may already know and may already be trying to shut out the sound of my words by turning your thoughts to the plans you 've made for the weekend , but there 'll be a lot of you who don 't . There are lots of happy anecdotes from my owners ' lives I could have told you but this is the one you need to hear : My story . We are not like your kind , but there is one thing we have in common : just as you can 't remember coming out of the womb , we don 't know what it was like being a grain of sand or piece of shell squeezing our way inside an oyster and hardening ; all I remember is being . There were no thoughts , for when you live inside a shell there isn 't a great deal to think about - nothing happens . That probably sounds dull to you but there was no sadness , no pain or death . It was peaceful , just being . I didn 't know this at the time but even nothing has to come to an end eventually : the day would always have come when I would be found . It will be hard for you to understand what it was like being taken out of water , hearing sounds , seeing colours and light - all for the first time . On paper it sounds great , this explosion of life , but the reality was frightening - and even fear was something I had never heard of or felt before . Maybe that 's why your newborns usually cry when they come out , because they 're scared and want to go back . I 'm trying to think of ways to describe how it was to you , and the only way I can think of is for you to imagine an ancient Egyptian being placed in the middle of a supermarket . That might give you a better idea , but even that doesn 't come close . I 've learnt a lot since then - ( I 've had to , I didn 't have any other choice - ) but there 's one thing I 've never been able to get my head around , and that is time . Your lives are ruled by clocks and diaries telling you when deadlines or birthdays are due , but when you have so much time whole years , even decades can pass you by . Forgive me then , if I am a little hazy on dates . What I can tell you is that I was brought to the surface in the late 1800s , which makes me special . There aren 't many of us that come from nature now . Most are made by man in bulk on farms . Things changed . You suddenly became concerned about human life and diving equipment got better . Both meant that the world 's poor no were no longer forced to hold their breaths for comments » I knew that someone important was going to walk into my life at 12 : 15 , just after I normally drink tea and prepare for an slow day working on the horoscope . Now , maybe you might not believe me . After all , I am a professional charlatan . But I knew something was up , because for the last two weeks every prediction I have made actually worked out . It started when I saw Mrs Henderson . She was a fat woman , an unpleasant woman , a great client . Like most people who wanted a reading , she didn 't want the truth . And normally I didn 't give it to her . I pulled out the equipment . It was a plain set . It looked like bone china , but was made in china for a very low price . Mrs Henderson looked impressed anyway . She had a lot of money , and not a lot of sense . Anyway , I started reading the information contained in the tea leafs . And then the world went blank . When I returned to the world , Mrs Henderson was gone . I walked out of the shop I had rented , and another of the shopkeepers came up to me . He was normally an quiet , amicable chap . This time he looked like he wanted to throttle me . " She came out of here . Howling and crying , like you 'd tried to kill her . " he put his face up to mine , " You ever do it again and I 'll . . " " I don 't know what you 're talking about , " and I backed away from him . He stalked off . I walked back to my shop , ready to wait for my next appointment . Mrs Abbot didn 't come . She left a nervous message on my answer phone . At the time I didn 't realise why . Because I had no other clients for the day , I went home . My mouth opened wide . It was such a shock , it seemed like I 'd just been told I was about to die . And then . Then I was in my bed , looking at the ceiling . The police officers had gone . But it felt more real than a dream . It must have been a dream . Yeah , that was what it was , I convinced myself . Although I should have known better . In Ireland you can make a full time living as a psychic . less so in England . The English wouldn 't even pay you if you could predict the lottery . So I also work as a pitchman . Which , if you think about it , is just another way to make a dishonest buck . I walked to the nearest boot sale , and set up . It isn 't too crowded in the morning . And everyone is busy . So I crawl in through the hedge . They don 't know that I 'm there against the rules . I set up . My table is old fashioned . A suitcase with legs you fold out . Like the true pitchmen of the 50 's . My pitch is the worm . They wiggle around my hand , like they are alive . The fools in the crowd gave me money . That is what they are for . She had the longest blondest hair this side of fairyland , and her smile lights up the room like a flashlight . And I knew I am meant to talk to her . Just now . She walked off . I had the sense she is in trouble . She was poorer than she used to be , her clothes were expensive , but last years fashion . I had a feeling I will meet her again . When I got there , there was Mrs Henderson and her husband . Their eyes were red . They had been crying . I couldn 't understand what they were there for . I managed to get them to leave . At first I thought that the gossip would help me . But the truth is , no one wants to go to a psychic that tells them the truth . Life is hard enough . You go to a psychic to hear lies . I made some money as a pitchman , so it didn 't affect me too much . But I kept on having bad dreams . I kept on seeing people I knew in them . Not just that , I saw how they died . Their pain . And I started to write down what I saw . In a book by my bedside cabinet . The extra time I had meant I was drinking more too . It was like I 'd been cursed . But the worst was the Christians . They decided that these dreams were inspired by Satan . They set up the picket line in front of my office . I started to think I should simply leave . On Wednesday , the cleaner came in . She was a nosy parker . And no mistake . Her husband had died a few years back , and she was interested in everything . While it 's not the way she put it , she was very interested in the diary . All the details of the different murders and deaths I 'd seen . All the factual details that no one else other than the murderer could know . She took it to the police , and they read it , and they got their warrant . I arrived back at the normal time , and nothing was different . The book was there . I didn 't notice the surveillance cameras . Not at all . They broke in that night . It wasn 't a dream . And I looked up to them bleary eyed , a gun pointing in my face , and swore . They dragged me towards the back of the car , and I noticed someone had decided to give the press warning . So it was very public . Once in , they took me right there . And kitted me out in fetching jail clothing , since I was still in pyjamas . This was the first time I was in jail , and I can tell you it is not as bad as some people say . There is an odd vinegar smell , hiding other bodily fluids . And it is never quiet . There is always shouting going on , and doors slammed . But it was no worse than some hotels I 've been in while performing . I looked across at my lawyer . Short , thin , balding and bored . The police officer had my diary in front of him . He picked it up . " In it , you 've got the details of dozens of murders . Information the police hasn 't released to the public . Information . . . dare I say it , in some cases that the police didn 't even know themselves . " And that was it . That was the full content of the interview . I was hustled off into the cell , and ended up waiting for days . In telephone conversations with friends , I knew the police were digging up my life . I was given a notebook , and a pen , and I continued to write down my dreams . I thought I might as well . The police would search my cell every now and again , and confiscate them . They even moved me to solitary . Made sure no one could be feeding me this information . Or , presumably , that I wasn 't ordering the killings . But the dreams continued . They were getting worse and worse . Every morning I woke up feeling like I had not slept . I guess at least things looked up , because they took me from prison . They drove me along country lanes , towards a building . I can 't tell you precisely where it was . It just looked like an old school to be honest . You 'd never have guessed it was an intelligence headquarters . They bundled me out into an empty building . You 've heard of the secret prisons . Well , they are true . They dressed me up in a uniform , tagged my ankle , and locked me in a cage . The only thing they gave me was some paper and a pen to write down my dreams . Sometimes people came to research me . They put me in scanners , and gave me all kinds of medical tests . The results were unsurprising . I was just a normal , healthy individual . And that was how it seemed I was destined to live for the rest of my life . Until I started to hear the voices . They were low . Just like someone was talking in the next room . Distant . And I couldn 't make them out . That night I was tossing and turning , and I heard someone shout out my name . I woke up . No one was there . Then I tried to get asleep again , and managed it . But the voice was insistent . Nothing answered me . The guards walked past my cell . But with the dreams and the voices , I was getting no sleep . It started to affect me so badly I would not even eat food . Within a few days I was exhausted . Mentally and physically drained . And I guess that is what the creatures wanted . Because soon they broke through . It 's hard to tell you how it felt . But if you have ever had a moment of shock , when you suddenly feel like you aren 't there , you 'll know . He said his name . And then the voice faded away . But I knew I had to do precisely what he told me . I 'd go mad otherwise . Maybe I was already mad . The opportunity came sooner than I expected . My handlers were getting anxious . I was producing less predictions than normal , and the federal conviction rate was plummeting through the floor . The handlers looked like model citizens . Dark suits , a man and a woman dressed formally , like they were lawyers . They flashed their badge to me . I don 't know why , the fact I was in a prison gave them away . The police officer fell back . You could see him working it through in his mind . Despite the success of my predictions , he settled on the conclusion I was mad . After all , psychic phenomena were impossible . He 'd read that once . I shook my head . But that night , I was thinking about it , and decided that I had to ask . Had to have a conversation , if only for my sanity . When the voices started up , I leaned forward in my bed . I asked the question again . But he would say nothing of use to me . he would only repeatedly ask me to find his killers . Not very useful . Eventually , I managed to coax his name from him . Nigel . Not a very good name for a joke . That was the strange thing . No murder victims of that name came up . Not any time soon . But a week later , a Nigel disappeared . And I realised the truth . I looked through the court reports . He had been killed by stabbing . They wouldn 't let me out of the jail . So all I could do was read the files they brought on him . And I got the feeling that many of the details had been redacted . it was like looking for a haystack in an elephant : messy and not very satisfactory . There were only two people I decided who could have done it . They both had a great deal to gain . At the end of the day , though , there is a limit to what you can do from inside a jail cell . The guards looked sceptically at me when I asked for it . But I was responsible for half the murder arrests in the district for the last six months . So they eventually gave me what I wanted . Especially when I refused to furnish them with any more information . I don 't know if you have ever been to a proper séance . Well , to be honest , most of the time the knocks are from the medium . But this time it was different . Within moments of the séance starting , I was aware that the room was colder . Then the entire board lifted off the table , and flew towards me . It hit the wall a few inches from my face . The room warmed up again . The presence was gone . For a little while . " I didn 't " I replied . I knew that he didn 't believe me . But he would have to show more senior people . And I knew they couldn 't afford to risk me . I went back to bed . For the first time in weeks , I had no bad dreams . I guess Nigel knew I understood his message . I slept very soundly . Until the next morning . But my guards didn 't really understand . Or they did not want to understand . My handler met me in the interview room the next morning . He looked tired . Besides him sat a man I hadn 't seen before . He wore the cleanest , most expensive suit I had seen during my stay at the states pleasure . The man stood up . He walked out of the room . Measured , and without menace . But he didn 't seem to be a man used to dealing with no . My handler shook his head . He didn 't need to tell me the consequences . All of a sudden , I was put on suicide watch . Woken up every thirty minutes to see if I wasn 't dead yet . The heating in my cell surprisingly broke . I knew I was in their hands totally . But I never realised what it was like to displease them . You see , Nigel might be a ghost , but that doesn 't mean he is stupid . He can see what is happening . He knows they are stopping me doing what he wants . And this gets him angry . They first times he acted , it looked like coincidence . The guards chair would tilt under him , depositing him on the floor . Or cups of coffee were not placed firmly enough on the table . The guards were spooked by me . They knew that I was able to see things they could not . But although the guards face became pale , his hand on the trigger was steady and firm . It was too late . The chair slammed into the guard . He dropped to the floor . Then I saw the guards keys float from his pocket . My cell door was unlocked . I walked over to the guard , stripped his clothes off , and changed into his uniform . I thought I didn 't have much of a choice . If I didn 't do what Nigel wanted he would kill me . Every door I came to slid open without me doing anything . It would have been creepy if I didn 't know what was happening . Soon the alarms started to ring out . People would be grabbing their guns , getting ready to shoot me . I could feel my heart trying to escape from my chest . I soon arrived at fire exit . It opened in front of me . I climbed down some steps . Below me , I could see coppers swarming . I continued to walk down . One of the coppers recognised me . I ran in the opposite direction . He took aim , and I could hear the gun explode behind me . But the bullet didn 't pierce my skin like I expected . Instead , it ended in the ground . I reached a police car , and the engine came on without anyone doing anything . Then I went into a store and bought black trousers and a white shirt . Got changed . And walked out of the shopping centre , expecting to be caught at any time . In my pocket there was five hundred dollars . That was all I had in the world , except for an insane ghost . I decided it was time to go to the library . After chatting to the librarian for a few seconds , she walked me over to a computer which had copies of the local papers for the last twenty years . I typed a search . At first I found nothing , but as I expanded the search back I found him . According to the interview , he was found murdered in his bed . He had been asleep . His wife had been charged and convicted of his murder . But she said she was innocent . Nothing came in response . I knew that would happen . It was too much to hope for . It was getting late at night . The librarian was fussing near me . It was time to go . When you are a fugitive , it isn 't as simple to find a place to stay as booking a room in a hotel . I walked round , looking for an empty house . It took me an hour . Occasionally a police car would go past . It made me nervous . At one time it would have been a posh bungalow . But whoever had owned it had been taken to a care home , and it was covered in weeds and neglect . I walked up to the door , and it swings open . That is one of the advantages of your own private poltergeist . Inside it was a mess . But dry and water proof . There was a wood burning stove in one room . The power was off , and Nigel didn 't turn it on . But the water was only off at the mains . It was easy enough to get it working again . In the morning I would have to start the process of searching for Nigel Slater . I knew roughly where he lived . I fell asleep , and woke up hungry and cramped . Outside , I could hear rustling . I peeked through the window , and could see a man dressed only in black . He looked like he was not very friendly . I ducked down , but he must have seen me . He edged towards the door . It was locked , but he slammed it open . I hid behind the sofa . it didn 't help . He walked towards me . I noticed he had a poker in his hand . There was no way he wouldn 't find me . I stood up . I looked over at him . He had a long scar down his face . it seemed like he was used to trouble . And he was straining to start a fight . I did what he said . He followed me . I thought he might hit me at any second . or recognise me . They must have put my picture out into the news by now . I sighed with relief , but knew that my location might be passed onto the police . I decided it was time to get out of the town . I caught a bus , and tried to hide my face . Since I hadn 't had a bath for a few days it was easier than you might think . People did not want to look me in the eyes . I arrived at Nigel 's house six hours latter . It was a solemn house . A plane front garden laid to grass , brick frontage , and white windows . It didn 't look like anyone had ever cared for it . It looked like it was a place to sleep and not to stay . It took me a few minutes to settle down , and watch the street . There was nothing extraordinary about it . A few people walked past , taking little interest in the stranger . After watching for half an hour , I knew there was little information here for me . Talking round the local shops I found out that Nigel had been a quiet man . Few people knew him , past his saying hello . he didn 't seem to have been involved in anything wrong . or indeed in anything at all . I decided that there could only really have been one source of trouble . He must have found out something at work . Something that made him worth more to someone dead than alive . I got some annual reports from his company and studied them . Amazing what is available on the internet these days . There was little of interest . I applied to work at Nigel 's company as a cleaner . it was a big risk . I supplied false references , and knew they would not check them for months . That 's the thing about cleaners . No one takes any notice . So I got the job , and examined the work place thoroughly . It looked like an office . The computers were always on . Once or twice I looked over the shoulder of someone working but it was all gobbledygook to me . To make it worse , I saw my face on the newspaper when I went for food . Sure , I looked a lot different now . I had grown longer hair , a beard , and was thinner . But it was still me . I grew suspicious of other people . Then came my big break . Several people were working in the office late . I overhead them speaking about a billion dollar deal . The company was getting bought out . I checked the internet , and there was something in the trade section . The routine was the same every day . But one of my colleagues had not turned up to work . So I was asked to clean the main office . I did so . But I did more than that , I broke into the file cabinets , and started reading company secrets . But that didn 't save me for long . The next day I arrived at work a few minutes earlier . Something told me that things were wrong . The security guard on the gate was new . He told me to go out to the bosses office . I walked into a small lab , and looked around . There was a window , and I tried to open it . In the distance I could see five police cars . The window wouldn 't open . There was only one way out . And I knew that by now , there would be police officers between me and the door . I looked round to find a chair . Then used it to break the window . The alarm went , and I slid through the empty hole . But I caught my shoulder on a shard of glass . I was bleeding . The police gave up their pretence . Dozens of sirens started up , heading towards the building . I ran through a green space . I knew that there was only one way out of the compound except the front gate . A hole in the fence I had noticed a few days earlier . But over head their was a helicopter . Although I ran like the wind , it wasn 't enough . I could hear the police men getting closer and closer . I turned around and saw two police officers . They both had guns pointed at me . I raised my hands , and they soon had me on the ground . I arrived at my destination a few hours latter . This time they were taking no chances . I arrived at a super maximum prison . Surrounded by barbed wire , dogs , and armed police officers it was obvious I 'd never get out . The next day the interrogation began . Again and Again . Asking me where I had gone . What I had done . I eventually broke down and told them everything . But that didn 't stop them continuing . Maybe what they were doing was no crime . But it was a form of torture . Eventually , the interrogations stopped . They gave me paper . They wanted to go back to how it used to be . But by that time I had got so angry , even when I did have a dream I kept it to myself . I wasn 't there . So all I can do is repeat the report that was made to me . No guarantee it is what happened . Apparently the director of the FBI had been having an extramarital affair . He was in bed that normal , and engaging in exercise at the same time . This was not expected , but what was even more unexpected was the windows opening wide . And the explosions of a gun . The director of the FBI 's gun . But I do know that it made the national news . The assistant director of the FBI resigned . And , to be frank , most of the people in the FBI did not care much about that . But it was fair warning . He didn 't seem to be exactly happy about what had happened . In fact , he stormed in to the visiting room , and let loose a barrage of swear words . I sat there passively , listening to him . When he calmed down sufficiently , he sat down . " Nigel was right . All he wants is his murderer found . But he isn 't going to stop . Not until that is done . Not even if he has to kill someone else to do it . " " No . I am not . Nigel is a threat to you . If you stand in the way , that is . He is a ghost . What can you do to get rid of him ? " The director of the FBI thought for a few seconds . An hour latter , a priest turned up with bell , book and candle . it didn 't work spectacularly . The power went off , the candle blew out , the bell rang , and the book was thrown across the room . The director gestured to the mirror and two toughs walked in . They carried some rope . They tied me to the chair , and lifted a cosh over their heads . Then all hell broke lose . The cosh swung back by itself . it raised into the air , and came down , laying out one of the thugs . The other caught me a glancing blow , but something unseen lifted him from the floor and threw him against the wall . " You have a choice . Director . Help find Nigel 's killer . Or , I think , Nigel will chase you down and gut you like a fish . " Eventually the Director settled down again . He sat in his chair , silently looking at me . I wasn 't a pretty picture . Thin , and in prison coveralls . I must have looked like a real criminal . They let me go that afternoon . Put me in a suit , and told me I was seconded to the FBI . I was even given my own agent . He was tall , thin , and looked every inch the government man . The agent shook his head . He gave nothing away . That was when I knew he wasn 't sent to help me . Just to keep an eye out on me . Nevertheless , I decided that I could use him . Like he wanted to use me . I looked over to him , and told him to get a warrant . We were going to search Nigel 's company . And read every damn bit of paper they had about Sigma . When we arrived at the door , they had their lawyer sorted out already . Someone must have leaked it . He looked like he had cost a lot of money . " I 'm afraid we have the right not to incriminate ourselves . We are asserting that right . Both as a company , and as individuals . So , no , you can ask any questions but we will not answer them . " I was surprised when I found the clue . It was something no one else would have noticed . A single envelope in the bin . It contained an address . I think Nigel must have been helping me . I was drawn to it . But the thing I noticed was the fact the address had a Sigma stamp . Once we were out of the building , I decided to break away from the FBI agent . I knew some things would work better on my own . it was easier said than done . When I tried to go for a walk that night , he insisted on staying right by me . Getting to the address was difficult . I didn 't have a car , I had to take the bus . Most of the journey there wasn 't even that . And it had began to rain . I must have looked odd , walking around town that late at night , soaked . In fact , I surprised no copper stopped me . " Good enough , " I said . Knowing I was lying as I said it . It wasn 't like it was my strong point . The expression on the coppers face showed he thought not either . He stood there behind me his mouth opened , as I shimmied the lock . it opened . I walked in . This was a mistake , I didn 't notice the small CCTV camera , the camera that was hidden in a plug socket . But it was sending my picture right up to the security office . I worked quickly , going up the stairs to the office . I don 't know what I had expected to see . But what I did see looked just like any other office . Even down to the half drunk cup of coffee . I woke up in the boot of a car . I could feel the engine running , and smell burning petrol . It was pick black . The car started off , bumping along the ground . Hitting me from side to side . My hands were tied behind my back . It was lucky I knew a little magic . I got the knot loose without much effort . Then I grovelled around the car to find something , anything that could help me . There was a wrench , which I picked up . I put the rope around my wrists , hiding the fact I was loose . And put the wrench in my pocket . The boot of the car swung open . One of the security guards lifted me out of the boot . He was covered in muscle . My mouth opened wide . That was the last thing I expected to hear . They marched me along the ground and I saw him for the first time . Nigel . Alive . Then the room went strange . Something turned the lights off , and opened the windows . It even raised a chair off the ground . The security guard looked worried for the first time . " For the last month , I have been searching for the person who killed Nigel Slater . You , sir , are Nigel Slater . But it seems your ghost hasn 't got the information you are alive . " But it didn 't work . By the time that the ambulance arrived , Nigel was in a deep coma . It took only a short time after that until the first homicide detective got there . But the truth is , it was fate . No ones fault . Except the murderer . After all , how can Nigel Slater 's ghost come into my dreams unless he is actually killed ? What happened next surprised me . The cops arrested me . Told me I was being held on suspicion of murder . I told them not to be idiots , but they wrote it in their notebooks and not their minds . By that point the clues would be getting stale , so I drove right to the company . But they wouldn 't let me in . it was a police investigation , they said . No dice . I called the FBI agent and asked him to run the full scan on Slater . By the time he had finished I would know every single family member . And all I had to do was interview them . The only clue left to me was Sigma . The company was closed for a few hours , but the managing director wasn 't . Again the FBI came to my rescue . They had the address , and I wasn 't afraid to use it . We walked up the garden path . It wasn 't the most luxurious house that a managing director had ever lived at . But I knocked on the door anyway . I walked in . Behold , the group was all there . The director of the FBI himself . The attorney general . And a four star general . I could feel the back of my assistant straightening up . The Managing Director pressed a button on the TV . It switched on . Nigel Slater 's office . I saw him pick up his glass . Put the chemicals in it . The MD fast forwarded . Nigel killed himself . " Oil . We got him to produce computer models . All the oil reserves . He was so great . . . well , he could produce a program that told us exactly where oil was , just from satellite images . " Just at that moment a dozen armed guards came into the room . Their guns were pointed right at me . I raised my hands , and was soon plunged into the carpet . They searched me . Didn 't find anything interesting . " Yeah . But I don 't think you did it . I don 't think you were that smart . But I don 't know what this being who calls himself Nigel Slater is , " I didn 't struggle . By now , them putting handcuffs on me was almost routine . I just wish I had been able to continue my life as a charlatan . I didn 't know what to say to that . it was true . it was obvious when you think about it . Nigel had told me he was murdered when he was still alive . but no one ever said the soul was bound to the arrow of time . Within a few minutes we had picked up an escort . From what I could tell , they had closed the road down . Only we were travelling that evening . I gulped . It looked like things were just about to head for the worse . The trip to the Whitehouse was the most fraught I had experienced in my life . The director of the FBI was reading faxes and emails in the car . His face was getting more and more pale . " I guess like the English did in WWII . With disinformation . We need to get an Chinese agent and feed him bad info . And I guess Nigel might be your best hope for that . " I guess the FBI director caught on quickly . Because he could go anywhere , Nigel could listen to the Chinese chatter . He could find Chinese agents . Maybe he didn 't know Chinese , but he knew enough to listen in to the English language conversations . It wasn 't a new concept . The CIA had investigated it in the sixties . But they didn 't have a real life ghost , so their experiments failed . This time we had a real ghost . I asked them to pick out the Ouija board again . The séance room was a sight you had never seen in your life . The president and the director of the FBI holding hands , in a dark room . The president of the united states shook his head . You could tell he couldn 't believe what he was seeing . He got up from his seat , and you could almost hear his bones cracking . Over in the corner of the room I could see a computer with satellite images . I could watch the Chinese fleet mobilising in real time . The number of dots that represented aircraft carriers alone was scary . " It will only be a few days before we have to mobilise our own navy . " The wait was excruciating . But suddenly five hours latter , the board started spelling out a name . The FBI director went to work . Within minutes they had the file out . He didn 't look like what you would expect of a Chinese agent . He had long , blonde hair , was dressed in a respectable suit , and had a respectable job . He worked in the old navy base . His job was to work on the files , reading sensitive military information . Including information about resource allocation . Once they checked his bank account the truth became obvious . The FBI director stood up , and paced down the long thin corridor . Then he arrived back in the meeting room with a young woman . She was dressed in military uniform . He explained the plan . It was simple . The Chinese agent needed to think it had all been a hoax . But for that to work , he would have to eat a pack of lies . I wasn 't there , so I can report only what I have been told . The female agent I had been introduced to worked in the old navy headquarters . She worked in the files there . It is a room full of top secret papers . Room might be the wrong word ; it was the size of an aircraft hanger . She worked there , and had spent months being bored . So naturally , she had struck up a conversation with the handsome blonde military attaché . And , the conversation was reciprocated . The director of the FBI looked at her . She didn 't look like much to put the freedom of the world onto . But she was eager . And after being told what to do , she didn 't complain . She saluted . I stood at the back of the room , watching the Director of the FBI feeling out the officer , and knew I would have to talk to Nigel alone . I didn 't trust her . She looked too good to be true with her starched uniform and willing smile . The new agent went into a staff car , to be driven to the headquarters . She looked very lonely in the back of the car . Meanwhile , we walked to the operations room . There was a banks of monitors the length of the room . We could see satellite images of the build up of the Chinese fleet , as well as real time updates of our spies . I nodded . Then looked back over to the screens . I could see our agent depositing the papers in her draw . She phoned up the Chinese agent , and set up dinner . It looked like a glorious feast . Roast duck , with all the trimmings . The doorbell went . She walked over to it , and opened it . She said something , and the Chinese agent walked into the room . After ten minutes of conversation , she walked away . To go to the toilet . He walked over to the draws , and started rummaging . After a few minutes he found the file our agent had left . He took out the smallest camera you have ever seen , and clicked the image . After that , he put the files away . After he left , the confirmation came thick and fast . The Chinese fleet disbanded . It was amazing to see , but they split up within a matter of hours . Soon the sea around Taiwan was empty except for commercial shipping . I guess that if this had been a story that would be it . I would have been given a party , a celebration , and been allowed to leave . After all , I had saved the day . Well , Nigel did leave . I haven 't heard from him since . After they had finished celebrating , a guard collected me , and drove me in a prison van to here . It is a cold concrete cell . I am allowed a TV , and to write carefully vetted letters . I 'm not sure how I will post this , my story . Maybe I will write it under the postage stamp . I guess for an old crook like me , it is fair . But I wish I had been sent to jail for something I did . And not for some trumped up terrorist charge . Currently we only offer payment for one story selected as the feature story in the monthly pdf magazine only . The successful author will be contacted to organise payment via paypal for a $ 5AUD payment . 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The ship swayed and creaked . He feels every bit of it in his body . Taking no chances the crew , damnedable pirates , have chained him with no give . Legs bound in a kneeling position , arms chained to either wall crucifying him to the ship like a perverse figurehead , he 's been their captive long enough to have forgotten the feel of kindness . It is a small blessing that their fear of him keeps his gag in place at all times . It keeps them from coming anywhere near him . The captain learned a long time ago that he gleans all he needs to live from the moisture in the air , the brine in his eyes . During storms , when he is strongest , the captain posts guards with him . They don 't look at him . A terrible hope fills him today . By the movement of the ship and the crew 's curses , he knows that they 're being pursued by another ship . This ship is a runner , fast . There 'd be little concern of capture if the ship did not gain its quickness from being light , gain its lightness from having little room for armaments or supplies . The pursuers have had them going for a week now and they 'd been out of port for at least a month . He knows from the panic in the crew that the food is all but gone . Soon they 'll be too weak to load what small guns are aboard . He 'd be surprised if they could remember how to sight the cannons it 's been so long since the captain has ordered them used . His hope stems from the pirates ' desperation . If they succumb to practicality then they 'll come for him . With frightened hearts and shaking hands , they 'll undo his chains and he 'll get to spend some time under the sky instead of under foot . So he waits for their desperation to bloom practicality . It does not take long . The first mate comes with three guards and the keys . It is always the first mate that comes to get him . The captain coming himself would make him a person that the captain fears , he wouldn 't last long once that got out among the crew . The first mate is the only one he trusts with the keys to his chains . " The captain wants to see you . " He speaks with a unique accent that comes with the ship 's pidgin of French , Spanish , and Greek . His ears hear the gibberish , but his mind provides him with the meaning . Slowly , they unchain his arms from the ship and secure them behind his back . The guards are afraid to touch him , unsure whether he 'll break or they 'll be infected with something . It strikes him as odd how religious some of these men are . Coming onto the deck , sea spray hits him in the face , covers his bare chest . He instantly feels more alive . He stands taller , muscles flex , the chains bite into his skin . They take him to the captain , standing at the aft of the ship . He stands beside the captain looking out at the wide ocean , the only thing marring their perfect view of the horizon the pursuers . The first mate and guards fold themselves into the three other men standing around them . The captain just stands there for a few minutes , ignoring him . This too is done to show the crew he will do this in his own time , to show that the man he keeps below decks does not frighten him . Around the gag , behind the locked mouth plate , he smiles . Only he and the captain know what he is , and he knows that the captain is frightened of that . " I have use of you . " From under his coat he draws out the key that only he is allowed to keep . He inserts into lock for the face plate . " If you hurt this ship my men will stab you and you will die before you can swim for freedom . Like always , yeah ? " He nods . It 's always the same threat . It vaguely occurs to him that this is only a half life . But then , the spirits would kill for half a life . The plate falls away and he spits the wooden wedge from his mouth . His tongue sticks out , tasting the salt in the air . He flexes his jaw , taking in the blue sky , the white clouds , the gentle waves . He smiles at the captain . Other than the crew 's swords there is very little compelling him . Finally , the captain 's annoyance at the delay shows on his face . He focuses on ship on the horizon . He tries not to think of the men on the ship . He knows he will have to answer for his actions one day , but he 's trying to postpone that day for as long as possible . " I 'm fine . Sorry . " The cabby 's eyes dart from the road to the rearview mirror and back . " I 'm good . I 'm okay . " The cabby 's eyes return to the road and stay there , Lawrence was prepared to keep reassuring him for the rest of the drive as long as he didn 't take his eyes off the road . " That jetlag 's a bitch , isn 't it ? " " Yeah , jetlag . " He doesn 't really feel like talking so he looks out the window . What he sees unsettles him so much that he almost closes his eyes again . Outside the cab desert stretched on for miles . When he 'd met the cabby at the airport he 'd been fine . They 'd been in the middle of a city . He preferred the buildings and people to the endless dry expanse . He tried to think of it as a sea of earth but it just made him queasy . He can 't help it , he closes his eyes . " We 're almost there , " the cabby rouses him . " If I 'd of known I wouldn 't have let you sleep at all . You wouldn 't believe how many people fall asleep in my cab from the airport . " The cabby keeps up a steady stream of chitchat for the next few minutes . Lawrence doesn 't say much , but he 's glad for the distraction . " Here we go , buddy . " He pulls up in front of an independent diner . Lawrence can tell the sign was made with care when it was painted , years in the desert sun has faded it badly . " They got good food here ? " " I don 't know . This is my first time here . " He pays the fare and steps out of the air - conditioned interior . His lips are immediately dry and cracked . The heat cuts him to the core as fast as it dried his lips , the urge to speak rises in him . He needs to escape this heat , he 's drowning in dryness . He rushes inside hoping that they 'll have air - conditioning . No such luck . The interior of the restaurant is as faded as the exterior . He seats himself , impatiently tapping his foot waiting for the waitress . He can hear the sound of the wind . Not the dry , lifeless wind of the desert , but the damp , alive wind of the storm . It 's calling to him , begging him to call out . He licks his lips with a tongue he can barely feel . He can 't help himself , the desert is antithesis for him . Why had he decided to come here ? To satisfy some adolescent curiosity ? He takes one long , shuttering breath . " The special , two of them , just bring me a pitcher of water . " His throat feels so dry . He has to speak now before he loses his chance . " Hmph ! " With blurry vision he watches her flounce back to the kitchen . He grabs the edge of the table to steady himself . He 's clenching his jaw by the time she comes back with a glass for him . He swallows half of it . The cool liquid fills him , calming him . Vision clears , hands stop shaking , the urge lessening . The torrent of wind in his ears shifts to a gentle breeze . How close had he come ? The waitress turns to leave again , he grabs her arm . " Can I get you anything else ? " She says it in such a way that makes Lawrence wonder if it 's actually a question . She tired of him he can tell . She 's too used to bullying the locals . He doesn 't trying to be nice to her , he just takes out a fifty and lays it on the table . " This is your tip if you keep bringing me pitchers of water . " Her eyes gleam slightly as she stares at the bill on the table . Slowly she puts the pitcher on the table . " Thank you . " He drains the rest of his glass and pours another . He finishes this one in three huge gulps . He doesn 't feel as trapped now , his breathing has evened out . He fills the glass a third time , finishing off the pitcher , but only sips this one . A couple minutes pass , the waitress brings his two specials and another pitcher . Lawrence only picks at his food . Between the desert and the age of the equipment in the diner the food is completely dry . Mainly he just cuts up the food and moves it around on his plate . Mainly he watches the people in the restaurant . He immediately discounts his waitress . Seeing her move around the diner , speaking with her , she 's spent most of her life trying to get away from this place . It 's a pity that she 'd never really feel like she belongs anywhere . An old man sits in another booth . He is weathered , his countenance telling the story of a life in the desert . Despite the heat of the day he 's drinking coffee . Lawrence would have considered him a likely candidate if his research didn 't tell him he is looking for someone younger . Besides the old man doesn 't look like he belongs here , only that he 's gotten used to living here . It 's an old style diner setup , so Lawrence can see the cook behind the half wall separating the kitchen from the dining area . Cook would be a wonderful job for who he 's looking for . The heat rising from the stove providing a fix for the cravings while at work . Though nothing compared to the natural heat of the desert it would do while at work . Unfortunately the cook is wearing a sleeveless shirt that 's plastered to his body with sweat . Lawrence 's heart falls . He 's not close enough to the cook to pick up a flow from him , but the fact that he 's sweating tells him all he needs to know . It 's possible his sources were wrong . It 's not easy to track a Bearer . The burden / gift they bear making it too hard to get a fix on them . He 's about to get up , throwing the contents of his glass down his throat , when the kitchen door swings open and a young man steps through . Lawrence puts his cup down and watches him . Something in the way he moves is different . Somehow his movements come off as light , almost bouncy . Even just clearing dishes from tables , his movements are quick , precise . He wears a t - shirt , jeans , and boots , all are cheap , but he still has an air of status . Lawrence notes that he 's not sweating . He looks up , checking for more stray dishes . Lawrence motions him over . " You finished with this , mister ? " Lawrence inhales and catches the scent of aged stone . " Sorry , mister , I 'm just here for the dishes . You 'll want to try Craiper St . around ten tonight . " He grabs a plate , Lawrence grabs his wrist . Sun … Heat … Dry … Sand … Lawrence pulls his hand away , palm red . Perspiration stands out on the young man 's brow now , fear in his eyes . He slides into the booth across from Lawrence . Lawrence pours another glass of water and waits for the boy to say something . " I 'm on break ! " She throws up her hands and goes back into the kitchen . Tito smiles at Lawrence . " Let 's go outside . " Lawrence downs his water and follows him out and around the diner . " I 'm Benjamin Fuller , but everyone calls me , Tito . Now who the hell are you ? " It 's a fair question . If he doesn 't know what he is then he 's probably really freaked out . Lawrence can 't blame him , he 's been there . " Ha , not likely , man . " Tito looks skeptical , very skeptical . There 's at least fifteen years between them . And while Tito isn 't a full blooded Mexican , Lawrence can tell at least one of his parents is , while Lawrence couldn 't be more white without being an albino . It 's hard to believe . " I don 't mean biologically . I mean spiritually . " Tito 's face is instantly serious . " You can feel it , can 't you ? That subtle , tickling at the back of your brain that makes you feel like you know me , even while at your core I unsettle you . " " Yes . " Tito looks so relieved that it breaks Lawrence 's heart . He knows what it 's like to finally have this explained . Lawrence had spent three years in a mental hospital trying to deal by himself . Tito is a strong young man . " Where is there open desert ? " Tito points down an alley . Lawrence starts walking , Tito doesn 't need to be told to follow , he falls into step next to Lawrence careful not to touch him . They come out the other end of the alley seeing open land . For Lawrence it 's as close to nothing as he ever wants to get . Longing fills Tito 's eyes . " I want to share something with you . Watch out there . " Lawrence takes a deep breath and centers himself . The urge to speak has been growing since they stepped out of the diner , the dryness creeping in to all his dark places . Tito 's hands fly up to cover his ears . " Ah ! What the hell ? " FLASH ! BOOM ! The thunder cuts off any further curses . Tito 's gaze is drawn out to the desert , where black storm clouds have formed out of nowhere . The fear is back in his eyes , he retreats till his back hits the wall to the building . " What have you done ? " " I spoke my Word . We 're Word Bearers , Tito . You have your own . Can you feel it ? Deep in core . " Lawrence can see he 's confused . He 's frightened , overwhelmed . FLASHBOOM ! " You can stop this , Tito . Go ahead . Say your Word . I want to hear it . " " I don 't … I 'm not sure . " Confusion and fear war on Tito 's face . Lawrence hopes he won 't run . He didn 't mean to scare the boy . " Of course you 're sure . You 've known it for centuries , you just haven 't spoken it yet . It 's okay . I 'm here with you . " His first step is hesitant , his second is firm , his third is confident . Lawrence realizes he 's holding his breath . Tito looks up at him , he nods . Tito fixes his gaze on the storm . " " There it is . It 's as quiet as Lawrence 's Word is loud , but no less powerful . It 's so beautiful . As Lawrence watches the storm clouds dissipate a tear rolls down his cheek . 2 Dad suffered even from a sight of blood , and he never killed a hen nor slaughtered a pig . But I was aware that once he had donated his blood in the name of my Mum still , because she 'd had a narrow escape on an operating table then . With me a doctor would have my blood tested in a moment : one , two and it 's done . But first they make you ready for rather a time : take a seat , then have a proper finger chosen , though it is always just the one , then they wipe it with spirits until take somewhat sharp like a mini - scalpel . Not everyone can stand the procedure , but I was not against it when a doctor suggested me having my blood tested . She was a likable one , youngish for her age , not married or divorced , probably . And she had no child , I felt it immediately , she had such a look , barren if you want . Possibly for health reasons she could not bear a child or she didn 't find a right man . Or she could have a particular blood group not to have a child with anyone , that 's why she employed at a doctor 's consulting room to make blood tests . And she urged me to have my blood tested . At first I didn 't mind it , the right thing it is , still she didn 't ask my permission . " Just let 's have your blood tested " , she said and left me . She had many things to do I suppose . In doctor 's smocks they walked hither and thither all the time at a clinic there talking over the heads of those waiting , as if one was dead already . And I was still alive and a nurse was preparing to have my blood tested . While she got me ready she was chattering . She said that men were afraid of blood testing nowadays . More and more they refused to do it and ran away sometimes seeing a drop of blood . And one had nothing to fear , there was a couch behind the curtain in a special emergency to lie low , in case one fainted . She pulled the white curtain aside and showed me a couch with dark green leatherette and I shivered all at once : what for they needed my blood ? She suggested me taking off a jacket and rolling up my sleeve , left or right one , I don 't rMy Bio : Mr . Valery Petrovskiy is a journalist and short story writer from Russia . Не is an English Department graduate at Chuvash State University , Cheboksary , graduated in journalism at VKSch Higher School , Moscow and in psychology at Kazan State Technology University . He has been writing prose since 2005 . Some of his writing has been published in The Scrambler , Rusty Typer , BRICKrethoric , NAP Magazine , Literary Burlesque , The Other Room , Curbside Quotidian , DANSE MACABRE , WidowMoon Press , PRIME MINCER , Apocrypha and Abstractions , The Legendary in the USA , and in Australian " Skive " and " Going Down Swinging " magazines . At the moment he is writer - in - residence at Marco Polo Art Mag . It 's dark in here . That 's because I live at the bottom of the jewellery box along with the other outcasts : the tangled necklace with the broken lobster claw and teddy pendant she got for her eleventh birthday , along with the bracelet that 's missing a couple of gem stones . She always says she will have them repaired but never does , preferring to spend the money on more fashionable pieces instead that imitate Asian and Oriental designs . An untrained eye might imagine that they were found by a back - packer on their travels , but they weren 't . They can be bought from any shop on the high - street , and are merely echoes of worlds she 's never seen . Not all of us down here are broken though . I 'm not , and neither is the engagement ring she got from Mark , ( who eventually cheated on her with Shannon from Reception , ) or the belly bar she took out when she put weight on and decided looked too young for her anyway . The ones at the top who get worn more often pity us , ( ' how boring it must be , ' they say to each other in whispers they think we can 't hear , ' being cooped up down there , month in , month out , ' ) but in a way they 're jealous . As I 've said , you could buy them in their hundreds if you wanted to , and they are without sentimental value like the childhood necklace or the belly bar that reminds her of her wild teens and early twenties . They 're easily replaced and she gives them away when they become outdated - or chucks them if even her younger sister and the charity shops say no , thanks . She doesn 't like Mark 's ring or me , so it isn 't often that her fingers dig through the chunky bangles and strings of beads to bring me to the surface . It happens maybe three or four times a year when she has arranged to visit The Matriarch . The ring doesn 't even get a look in . Why Mark wouldn 't let her give it back to him so that he could give it to someone he did love is beyond us ; at least that way it would have been enjoyed . All the same , seeing as I 'm an heirloom and the ring is eighteen carat white goPerhaps you imagine I get bitter when the voices of the favoured ones float above my head , chattering away about their ventures out of the box : days at work , dinners , dates , parties and who was there , who wasn 't there , what she wore … you get the drift . Or worse , maybe you feel sorry for me . I 'd rather you didn 't . Pity the rest but not me . I 'm not so keen on their weight pressing down on me but I don 't mind the dark . In fact I quite like it . It reminds me of home , my real one , from before I met people . As for being bitter , you can rule that out . I 'm a pearl , darling ; it 's not in my nature . You lot have seen me as a symbol of love for thousands of years and I do try to live up to my name by being kind - although I cannot help but wince sometimes at the irony , given that the first person I ever met died . Don 't look at me like that ; it wasn 't my fault . But that 's why she doesn 't like me . All the same , when you 've being kept in a family for over a century you do take an interest in your present owner , even if it 's not reciprocated , so I enjoy listening to the young ones ' gossip . Let them have their fun while they still can . The best they can hope for is a place in a child 's dressing - up box in just a few , short years so they might as well enjoy it . 2 . Memories . I might be old - fashioned and be from a past that she and you would rather forget , but I 'm not like your kind . I will endure and outlive the others , her - even you . And I never forget . My memory doesn 't grow weak with age , it gets stronger . I can still smell what my home was like ; still feel the movements of the person who found me when he panicked and rushed too quickly to the top , and the urgent , grasping hand of the first , but different person to ever touch me , as though I 'd only stopped smelling and feeling them a minute ago . The memories of my owners and the events in their lives play like the films you are so fond of ; the moment when her grandfather proposed to her grandmother , and the christening of her mother , they are a3 . Before she grew up . I suppose you think it strange that her grandmother , ( or The Matriarch as she jokingly calls her , ) skipped a generation and gave me to someone who doesn 't like me , but it never used to be this way . When she was little and used to visit her grandmother she would ask , ( very politely after giving her a peck on the cheek , ) if she could play with her jewellery box . The answer was always yes , and she would very carefully hunt through the diamonds and gold to find me , pin me to her jumper and wear me for the rest of the time she was there . It became something of a ritual , to the point where her grandmother began to pick me out herself and would put me on the coffee table ready for when she arrived . When she was eighteen , The Matriarch had a heart attack , and fearing that she would never leave hospital , insisted on the girl 's mother driving for two hours to get me , so that she could give me to her personally before it was too late . They were very close , and still are in spite of the distance , for she survived against all the odds . Whenever she goes to see her she always comments on how lovely it is , seeing her granddaughter all grown up , wearing her old brooch that 's always been her favourite . And I was for a time . Traditionally I was only worn for a special or significant occasion , but when she was at college I had the strange but enjoyable experience of being put in her pocket and going with her , and if she felt nervous about something her fingers would slide down to stroke me . Normally I hated people manhandling me , but I didn 't mind in her case - it was better than her biting her nails . It was almost as if she thought that having me with her would stop something bad happening - and I have been viewed as ' lucky . ' Stop sniggering , it 's true . In the days of knights and sword - fighting , we would be worn when the rich and noble went into battle because they thought we would protect them from harm , so don 't laugh at her . It felt good , being wanted , and I have to confess I came in danger You don 't like being reminded of your past - those days of glory when Britain ruled half the world . I think that 's why you apologise so much , and give more than you can afford to charities trying to save the poor and starving around the globe . It 's almost as though you 're trying to make up for all the wrongs done before you were born . And I 've tried to avoid talking about it in case you ran away - I get lonely sometimes and it 's nice having someone to talk to . But you can 't run forever , things have to be faced eventually . Some of you may already know and may already be trying to shut out the sound of my words by turning your thoughts to the plans you 've made for the weekend , but there 'll be a lot of you who don 't . There are lots of happy anecdotes from my owners ' lives I could have told you but this is the one you need to hear : My story . We are not like your kind , but there is one thing we have in common : just as you can 't remember coming out of the womb , we don 't know what it was like being a grain of sand or piece of shell squeezing our way inside an oyster and hardening ; all I remember is being . There were no thoughts , for when you live inside a shell there isn 't a great deal to think about - nothing happens . That probably sounds dull to you but there was no sadness , no pain or death . It was peaceful , just being . I didn 't know this at the time but even nothing has to come to an end eventually : the day would always have come when I would be found . It will be hard for you to understand what it was like being taken out of water , hearing sounds , seeing colours and light - all for the first time . On paper it sounds great , this explosion of life , but the reality was frightening - and even fear was something I had never heard of or felt before . Maybe that 's why your newborns usually cry when they come out , because they 're scared and want to go back . I 'm trying to think of ways to describe how it was to you , and the only way I can think of is for you to imagine an ancient Egyptian being placed in the middle of a supermarket . That might give you a better idea , but even that doesn 't come close . I 've learnt a lot since then - ( I 've had to , I didn 't have any other choice - ) but there 's one thing I 've never been able to get my head around , and that is time . Your lives are ruled by clocks and diaries telling you when deadlines or birthdays are due , but when you have so much time whole years , even decades can pass you by . Forgive me then , if I am a little hazy on dates . What I can tell you is that I was brought to the surface in the late 1800s , which makes me special . There aren 't many of us that come from nature now . Most are made by man in bulk on farms . Things changed . You suddenly became concerned about human life and diving equipment got better . Both meant that the world 's poor no were no longer forced to hold their breaths for comments » I knew that someone important was going to walk into my life at 12 : 15 , just after I normally drink tea and prepare for an slow day working on the horoscope . Now , maybe you might not believe me . After all , I am a professional charlatan . But I knew something was up , because for the last two weeks every prediction I have made actually worked out . It started when I saw Mrs Henderson . She was a fat woman , an unpleasant woman , a great client . Like most people who wanted a reading , she didn 't want the truth . And normally I didn 't give it to her . I pulled out the equipment . It was a plain set . It looked like bone china , but was made in china for a very low price . Mrs Henderson looked impressed anyway . She had a lot of money , and not a lot of sense . Anyway , I started reading the information contained in the tea leafs . And then the world went blank . When I returned to the world , Mrs Henderson was gone . I walked out of the shop I had rented , and another of the shopkeepers came up to me . He was normally an quiet , amicable chap . This time he looked like he wanted to throttle me . " She came out of here . Howling and crying , like you 'd tried to kill her . " he put his face up to mine , " You ever do it again and I 'll . . " " I don 't know what you 're talking about , " and I backed away from him . He stalked off . I walked back to my shop , ready to wait for my next appointment . Mrs Abbot didn 't come . She left a nervous message on my answer phone . At the time I didn 't realise why . Because I had no other clients for the day , I went home . My mouth opened wide . It was such a shock , it seemed like I 'd just been told I was about to die . And then . Then I was in my bed , looking at the ceiling . The police officers had gone . But it felt more real than a dream . It must have been a dream . Yeah , that was what it was , I convinced myself . Although I should have known better . In Ireland you can make a full time living as a psychic . less so in England . The English wouldn 't even pay you if you could predict the lottery . So I also work as a pitchman . Which , if you think about it , is just another way to make a dishonest buck . I walked to the nearest boot sale , and set up . It isn 't too crowded in the morning . And everyone is busy . So I crawl in through the hedge . They don 't know that I 'm there against the rules . I set up . My table is old fashioned . A suitcase with legs you fold out . Like the true pitchmen of the 50 's . My pitch is the worm . They wiggle around my hand , like they are alive . The fools in the crowd gave me money . That is what they are for . She had the longest blondest hair this side of fairyland , and her smile lights up the room like a flashlight . And I knew I am meant to talk to her . Just now . She walked off . I had the sense she is in trouble . She was poorer than she used to be , her clothes were expensive , but last years fashion . I had a feeling I will meet her again . When I got there , there was Mrs Henderson and her husband . Their eyes were red . They had been crying . I couldn 't understand what they were there for . I managed to get them to leave . At first I thought that the gossip would help me . But the truth is , no one wants to go to a psychic that tells them the truth . Life is hard enough . You go to a psychic to hear lies . I made some money as a pitchman , so it didn 't affect me too much . But I kept on having bad dreams . I kept on seeing people I knew in them . Not just that , I saw how they died . Their pain . And I started to write down what I saw . In a book by my bedside cabinet . The extra time I had meant I was drinking more too . It was like I 'd been cursed . But the worst was the Christians . They decided that these dreams were inspired by Satan . They set up the picket line in front of my office . I started to think I should simply leave . On Wednesday , the cleaner came in . She was a nosy parker . And no mistake . Her husband had died a few years back , and she was interested in everything . While it 's not the way she put it , she was very interested in the diary . All the details of the different murders and deaths I 'd seen . All the factual details that no one else other than the murderer could know . She took it to the police , and they read it , and they got their warrant . I arrived back at the normal time , and nothing was different . The book was there . I didn 't notice the surveillance cameras . Not at all . They broke in that night . It wasn 't a dream . And I looked up to them bleary eyed , a gun pointing in my face , and swore . They dragged me towards the back of the car , and I noticed someone had decided to give the press warning . So it was very public . Once in , they took me right there . And kitted me out in fetching jail clothing , since I was still in pyjamas . This was the first time I was in jail , and I can tell you it is not as bad as some people say . There is an odd vinegar smell , hiding other bodily fluids . And it is never quiet . There is always shouting going on , and doors slammed . But it was no worse than some hotels I 've been in while performing . I looked across at my lawyer . Short , thin , balding and bored . The police officer had my diary in front of him . He picked it up . " In it , you 've got the details of dozens of murders . Information the police hasn 't released to the public . Information . . . dare I say it , in some cases that the police didn 't even know themselves . " And that was it . That was the full content of the interview . I was hustled off into the cell , and ended up waiting for days . In telephone conversations with friends , I knew the police were digging up my life . I was given a notebook , and a pen , and I continued to write down my dreams . I thought I might as well . The police would search my cell every now and again , and confiscate them . They even moved me to solitary . Made sure no one could be feeding me this information . Or , presumably , that I wasn 't ordering the killings . But the dreams continued . They were getting worse and worse . Every morning I woke up feeling like I had not slept . I guess at least things looked up , because they took me from prison . They drove me along country lanes , towards a building . I can 't tell you precisely where it was . It just looked like an old school to be honest . You 'd never have guessed it was an intelligence headquarters . They bundled me out into an empty building . You 've heard of the secret prisons . Well , they are true . They dressed me up in a uniform , tagged my ankle , and locked me in a cage . The only thing they gave me was some paper and a pen to write down my dreams . Sometimes people came to research me . They put me in scanners , and gave me all kinds of medical tests . The results were unsurprising . I was just a normal , healthy individual . And that was how it seemed I was destined to live for the rest of my life . Until I started to hear the voices . They were low . Just like someone was talking in the next room . Distant . And I couldn 't make them out . That night I was tossing and turning , and I heard someone shout out my name . I woke up . No one was there . Then I tried to get asleep again , and managed it . But the voice was insistent . Nothing answered me . The guards walked past my cell . But with the dreams and the voices , I was getting no sleep . It started to affect me so badly I would not even eat food . Within a few days I was exhausted . Mentally and physically drained . And I guess that is what the creatures wanted . Because soon they broke through . It 's hard to tell you how it felt . But if you have ever had a moment of shock , when you suddenly feel like you aren 't there , you 'll know . He said his name . And then the voice faded away . But I knew I had to do precisely what he told me . I 'd go mad otherwise . Maybe I was already mad . The opportunity came sooner than I expected . My handlers were getting anxious . I was producing less predictions than normal , and the federal conviction rate was plummeting through the floor . The handlers looked like model citizens . Dark suits , a man and a woman dressed formally , like they were lawyers . They flashed their badge to me . I don 't know why , the fact I was in a prison gave them away . The police officer fell back . You could see him working it through in his mind . Despite the success of my predictions , he settled on the conclusion I was mad . After all , psychic phenomena were impossible . He 'd read that once . I shook my head . But that night , I was thinking about it , and decided that I had to ask . Had to have a conversation , if only for my sanity . When the voices started up , I leaned forward in my bed . I asked the question again . But he would say nothing of use to me . he would only repeatedly ask me to find his killers . Not very useful . Eventually , I managed to coax his name from him . Nigel . Not a very good name for a joke . That was the strange thing . No murder victims of that name came up . Not any time soon . But a week later , a Nigel disappeared . And I realised the truth . I looked through the court reports . He had been killed by stabbing . They wouldn 't let me out of the jail . So all I could do was read the files they brought on him . And I got the feeling that many of the details had been redacted . it was like looking for a haystack in an elephant : messy and not very satisfactory . There were only two people I decided who could have done it . They both had a great deal to gain . At the end of the day , though , there is a limit to what you can do from inside a jail cell . The guards looked sceptically at me when I asked for it . But I was responsible for half the murder arrests in the district for the last six months . So they eventually gave me what I wanted . Especially when I refused to furnish them with any more information . I don 't know if you have ever been to a proper séance . Well , to be honest , most of the time the knocks are from the medium . But this time it was different . Within moments of the séance starting , I was aware that the room was colder . Then the entire board lifted off the table , and flew towards me . It hit the wall a few inches from my face . The room warmed up again . The presence was gone . For a little while . " I didn 't " I replied . I knew that he didn 't believe me . But he would have to show more senior people . And I knew they couldn 't afford to risk me . I went back to bed . For the first time in weeks , I had no bad dreams . I guess Nigel knew I understood his message . I slept very soundly . Until the next morning . But my guards didn 't really understand . Or they did not want to understand . My handler met me in the interview room the next morning . He looked tired . Besides him sat a man I hadn 't seen before . He wore the cleanest , most expensive suit I had seen during my stay at the states pleasure . The man stood up . He walked out of the room . Measured , and without menace . But he didn 't seem to be a man used to dealing with no . My handler shook his head . He didn 't need to tell me the consequences . All of a sudden , I was put on suicide watch . Woken up every thirty minutes to see if I wasn 't dead yet . The heating in my cell surprisingly broke . I knew I was in their hands totally . But I never realised what it was like to displease them . You see , Nigel might be a ghost , but that doesn 't mean he is stupid . He can see what is happening . He knows they are stopping me doing what he wants . And this gets him angry . They first times he acted , it looked like coincidence . The guards chair would tilt under him , depositing him on the floor . Or cups of coffee were not placed firmly enough on the table . The guards were spooked by me . They knew that I was able to see things they could not . But although the guards face became pale , his hand on the trigger was steady and firm . It was too late . The chair slammed into the guard . He dropped to the floor . Then I saw the guards keys float from his pocket . My cell door was unlocked . I walked over to the guard , stripped his clothes off , and changed into his uniform . I thought I didn 't have much of a choice . If I didn 't do what Nigel wanted he would kill me . Every door I came to slid open without me doing anything . It would have been creepy if I didn 't know what was happening . Soon the alarms started to ring out . People would be grabbing their guns , getting ready to shoot me . I could feel my heart trying to escape from my chest . I soon arrived at fire exit . It opened in front of me . I climbed down some steps . Below me , I could see coppers swarming . I continued to walk down . One of the coppers recognised me . I ran in the opposite direction . He took aim , and I could hear the gun explode behind me . But the bullet didn 't pierce my skin like I expected . Instead , it ended in the ground . I reached a police car , and the engine came on without anyone doing anything . Then I went into a store and bought black trousers and a white shirt . Got changed . And walked out of the shopping centre , expecting to be caught at any time . In my pocket there was five hundred dollars . That was all I had in the world , except for an insane ghost . I decided it was time to go to the library . After chatting to the librarian for a few seconds , she walked me over to a computer which had copies of the local papers for the last twenty years . I typed a search . At first I found nothing , but as I expanded the search back I found him . According to the interview , he was found murdered in his bed . He had been asleep . His wife had been charged and convicted of his murder . But she said she was innocent . Nothing came in response . I knew that would happen . It was too much to hope for . It was getting late at night . The librarian was fussing near me . It was time to go . When you are a fugitive , it isn 't as simple to find a place to stay as booking a room in a hotel . I walked round , looking for an empty house . It took me an hour . Occasionally a police car would go past . It made me nervous . At one time it would have been a posh bungalow . But whoever had owned it had been taken to a care home , and it was covered in weeds and neglect . I walked up to the door , and it swings open . That is one of the advantages of your own private poltergeist . Inside it was a mess . But dry and water proof . There was a wood burning stove in one room . The power was off , and Nigel didn 't turn it on . But the water was only off at the mains . It was easy enough to get it working again . In the morning I would have to start the process of searching for Nigel Slater . I knew roughly where he lived . I fell asleep , and woke up hungry and cramped . Outside , I could hear rustling . I peeked through the window , and could see a man dressed only in black . He looked like he was not very friendly . I ducked down , but he must have seen me . He edged towards the door . It was locked , but he slammed it open . I hid behind the sofa . it didn 't help . He walked towards me . I noticed he had a poker in his hand . There was no way he wouldn 't find me . I stood up . I looked over at him . He had a long scar down his face . it seemed like he was used to trouble . And he was straining to start a fight . I did what he said . He followed me . I thought he might hit me at any second . or recognise me . They must have put my picture out into the news by now . I sighed with relief , but knew that my location might be passed onto the police . I decided it was time to get out of the town . I caught a bus , and tried to hide my face . Since I hadn 't had a bath for a few days it was easier than you might think . People did not want to look me in the eyes . I arrived at Nigel 's house six hours latter . It was a solemn house . A plane front garden laid to grass , brick frontage , and white windows . It didn 't look like anyone had ever cared for it . It looked like it was a place to sleep and not to stay . It took me a few minutes to settle down , and watch the street . There was nothing extraordinary about it . A few people walked past , taking little interest in the stranger . After watching for half an hour , I knew there was little information here for me . Talking round the local shops I found out that Nigel had been a quiet man . Few people knew him , past his saying hello . he didn 't seem to have been involved in anything wrong . or indeed in anything at all . I decided that there could only really have been one source of trouble . He must have found out something at work . Something that made him worth more to someone dead than alive . I got some annual reports from his company and studied them . Amazing what is available on the internet these days . There was little of interest . I applied to work at Nigel 's company as a cleaner . it was a big risk . I supplied false references , and knew they would not check them for months . That 's the thing about cleaners . No one takes any notice . So I got the job , and examined the work place thoroughly . It looked like an office . The computers were always on . Once or twice I looked over the shoulder of someone working but it was all gobbledygook to me . To make it worse , I saw my face on the newspaper when I went for food . Sure , I looked a lot different now . I had grown longer hair , a beard , and was thinner . But it was still me . I grew suspicious of other people . Then came my big break . Several people were working in the office late . I overhead them speaking about a billion dollar deal . The company was getting bought out . I checked the internet , and there was something in the trade section . The routine was the same every day . But one of my colleagues had not turned up to work . So I was asked to clean the main office . I did so . But I did more than that , I broke into the file cabinets , and started reading company secrets . But that didn 't save me for long . The next day I arrived at work a few minutes earlier . Something told me that things were wrong . The security guard on the gate was new . He told me to go out to the bosses office . I walked into a small lab , and looked around . There was a window , and I tried to open it . In the distance I could see five police cars . The window wouldn 't open . There was only one way out . And I knew that by now , there would be police officers between me and the door . I looked round to find a chair . Then used it to break the window . The alarm went , and I slid through the empty hole . But I caught my shoulder on a shard of glass . I was bleeding . The police gave up their pretence . Dozens of sirens started up , heading towards the building . I ran through a green space . I knew that there was only one way out of the compound except the front gate . A hole in the fence I had noticed a few days earlier . But over head their was a helicopter . Although I ran like the wind , it wasn 't enough . I could hear the police men getting closer and closer . I turned around and saw two police officers . They both had guns pointed at me . I raised my hands , and they soon had me on the ground . I arrived at my destination a few hours latter . This time they were taking no chances . I arrived at a super maximum prison . Surrounded by barbed wire , dogs , and armed police officers it was obvious I 'd never get out . The next day the interrogation began . Again and Again . Asking me where I had gone . What I had done . I eventually broke down and told them everything . But that didn 't stop them continuing . Maybe what they were doing was no crime . But it was a form of torture . Eventually , the interrogations stopped . They gave me paper . They wanted to go back to how it used to be . But by that time I had got so angry , even when I did have a dream I kept it to myself . I wasn 't there . So all I can do is repeat the report that was made to me . No guarantee it is what happened . Apparently the director of the FBI had been having an extramarital affair . He was in bed that normal , and engaging in exercise at the same time . This was not expected , but what was even more unexpected was the windows opening wide . And the explosions of a gun . The director of the FBI 's gun . But I do know that it made the national news . The assistant director of the FBI resigned . And , to be frank , most of the people in the FBI did not care much about that . But it was fair warning . He didn 't seem to be exactly happy about what had happened . In fact , he stormed in to the visiting room , and let loose a barrage of swear words . I sat there passively , listening to him . When he calmed down sufficiently , he sat down . " Nigel was right . All he wants is his murderer found . But he isn 't going to stop . Not until that is done . Not even if he has to kill someone else to do it . " " No . I am not . Nigel is a threat to you . If you stand in the way , that is . He is a ghost . What can you do to get rid of him ? " The director of the FBI thought for a few seconds . An hour latter , a priest turned up with bell , book and candle . it didn 't work spectacularly . The power went off , the candle blew out , the bell rang , and the book was thrown across the room . The director gestured to the mirror and two toughs walked in . They carried some rope . They tied me to the chair , and lifted a cosh over their heads . Then all hell broke lose . The cosh swung back by itself . it raised into the air , and came down , laying out one of the thugs . The other caught me a glancing blow , but something unseen lifted him from the floor and threw him against the wall . " You have a choice . Director . Help find Nigel 's killer . Or , I think , Nigel will chase you down and gut you like a fish . " Eventually the Director settled down again . He sat in his chair , silently looking at me . I wasn 't a pretty picture . Thin , and in prison coveralls . I must have looked like a real criminal . They let me go that afternoon . Put me in a suit , and told me I was seconded to the FBI . I was even given my own agent . He was tall , thin , and looked every inch the government man . The agent shook his head . He gave nothing away . That was when I knew he wasn 't sent to help me . Just to keep an eye out on me . Nevertheless , I decided that I could use him . Like he wanted to use me . I looked over to him , and told him to get a warrant . We were going to search Nigel 's company . And read every damn bit of paper they had about Sigma . When we arrived at the door , they had their lawyer sorted out already . Someone must have leaked it . He looked like he had cost a lot of money . " I 'm afraid we have the right not to incriminate ourselves . We are asserting that right . Both as a company , and as individuals . So , no , you can ask any questions but we will not answer them . " I was surprised when I found the clue . It was something no one else would have noticed . A single envelope in the bin . It contained an address . I think Nigel must have been helping me . I was drawn to it . But the thing I noticed was the fact the address had a Sigma stamp . Once we were out of the building , I decided to break away from the FBI agent . I knew some things would work better on my own . it was easier said than done . When I tried to go for a walk that night , he insisted on staying right by me . Getting to the address was difficult . I didn 't have a car , I had to take the bus . Most of the journey there wasn 't even that . And it had began to rain . I must have looked odd , walking around town that late at night , soaked . In fact , I surprised no copper stopped me . " Good enough , " I said . Knowing I was lying as I said it . It wasn 't like it was my strong point . The expression on the coppers face showed he thought not either . He stood there behind me his mouth opened , as I shimmied the lock . it opened . I walked in . This was a mistake , I didn 't notice the small CCTV camera , the camera that was hidden in a plug socket . But it was sending my picture right up to the security office . I worked quickly , going up the stairs to the office . I don 't know what I had expected to see . But what I did see looked just like any other office . Even down to the half drunk cup of coffee . I woke up in the boot of a car . I could feel the engine running , and smell burning petrol . It was pick black . The car started off , bumping along the ground . Hitting me from side to side . My hands were tied behind my back . It was lucky I knew a little magic . I got the knot loose without much effort . Then I grovelled around the car to find something , anything that could help me . There was a wrench , which I picked up . I put the rope around my wrists , hiding the fact I was loose . And put the wrench in my pocket . The boot of the car swung open . One of the security guards lifted me out of the boot . He was covered in muscle . My mouth opened wide . That was the last thing I expected to hear . They marched me along the ground and I saw him for the first time . Nigel . Alive . Then the room went strange . Something turned the lights off , and opened the windows . It even raised a chair off the ground . The security guard looked worried for the first time . " For the last month , I have been searching for the person who killed Nigel Slater . You , sir , are Nigel Slater . But it seems your ghost hasn 't got the information you are alive . " But it didn 't work . By the time that the ambulance arrived , Nigel was in a deep coma . It took only a short time after that until the first homicide detective got there . But the truth is , it was fate . No ones fault . Except the murderer . After all , how can Nigel Slater 's ghost come into my dreams unless he is actually killed ? What happened next surprised me . The cops arrested me . Told me I was being held on suspicion of murder . I told them not to be idiots , but they wrote it in their notebooks and not their minds . By that point the clues would be getting stale , so I drove right to the company . But they wouldn 't let me in . it was a police investigation , they said . No dice . I called the FBI agent and asked him to run the full scan on Slater . By the time he had finished I would know every single family member . And all I had to do was interview them . The only clue left to me was Sigma . The company was closed for a few hours , but the managing director wasn 't . Again the FBI came to my rescue . They had the address , and I wasn 't afraid to use it . We walked up the garden path . It wasn 't the most luxurious house that a managing director had ever lived at . But I knocked on the door anyway . I walked in . Behold , the group was all there . The director of the FBI himself . The attorney general . And a four star general . I could feel the back of my assistant straightening up . The Managing Director pressed a button on the TV . It switched on . Nigel Slater 's office . I saw him pick up his glass . Put the chemicals in it . The MD fast forwarded . Nigel killed himself . " Oil . We got him to produce computer models . All the oil reserves . He was so great . . . well , he could produce a program that told us exactly where oil was , just from satellite images . " Just at that moment a dozen armed guards came into the room . Their guns were pointed right at me . I raised my hands , and was soon plunged into the carpet . They searched me . Didn 't find anything interesting . " Yeah . But I don 't think you did it . I don 't think you were that smart . But I don 't know what this being who calls himself Nigel Slater is , " I didn 't struggle . By now , them putting handcuffs on me was almost routine . I just wish I had been able to continue my life as a charlatan . I didn 't know what to say to that . it was true . it was obvious when you think about it . Nigel had told me he was murdered when he was still alive . but no one ever said the soul was bound to the arrow of time . Within a few minutes we had picked up an escort . From what I could tell , they had closed the road down . Only we were travelling that evening . I gulped . It looked like things were just about to head for the worse . The trip to the Whitehouse was the most fraught I had experienced in my life . The director of the FBI was reading faxes and emails in the car . His face was getting more and more pale . " I guess like the English did in WWII . With disinformation . We need to get an Chinese agent and feed him bad info . And I guess Nigel might be your best hope for that . " I guess the FBI director caught on quickly . Because he could go anywhere , Nigel could listen to the Chinese chatter . He could find Chinese agents . Maybe he didn 't know Chinese , but he knew enough to listen in to the English language conversations . It wasn 't a new concept . The CIA had investigated it in the sixties . But they didn 't have a real life ghost , so their experiments failed . This time we had a real ghost . I asked them to pick out the Ouija board again . The séance room was a sight you had never seen in your life . The president and the director of the FBI holding hands , in a dark room . The president of the united states shook his head . You could tell he couldn 't believe what he was seeing . He got up from his seat , and you could almost hear his bones cracking . Over in the corner of the room I could see a computer with satellite images . I could watch the Chinese fleet mobilising in real time . The number of dots that represented aircraft carriers alone was scary . " It will only be a few days before we have to mobilise our own navy . " The wait was excruciating . But suddenly five hours latter , the board started spelling out a name . The FBI director went to work . Within minutes they had the file out . He didn 't look like what you would expect of a Chinese agent . He had long , blonde hair , was dressed in a respectable suit , and had a respectable job . He worked in the old navy base . His job was to work on the files , reading sensitive military information . Including information about resource allocation . Once they checked his bank account the truth became obvious . The FBI director stood up , and paced down the long thin corridor . Then he arrived back in the meeting room with a young woman . She was dressed in military uniform . He explained the plan . It was simple . The Chinese agent needed to think it had all been a hoax . But for that to work , he would have to eat a pack of lies . I wasn 't there , so I can report only what I have been told . The female agent I had been introduced to worked in the old navy headquarters . She worked in the files there . It is a room full of top secret papers . Room might be the wrong word ; it was the size of an aircraft hanger . She worked there , and had spent months being bored . So naturally , she had struck up a conversation with the handsome blonde military attaché . And , the conversation was reciprocated . The director of the FBI looked at her . She didn 't look like much to put the freedom of the world onto . But she was eager . And after being told what to do , she didn 't complain . She saluted . I stood at the back of the room , watching the Director of the FBI feeling out the officer , and knew I would have to talk to Nigel alone . I didn 't trust her . She looked too good to be true with her starched uniform and willing smile . The new agent went into a staff car , to be driven to the headquarters . She looked very lonely in the back of the car . Meanwhile , we walked to the operations room . There was a banks of monitors the length of the room . We could see satellite images of the build up of the Chinese fleet , as well as real time updates of our spies . I nodded . Then looked back over to the screens . I could see our agent depositing the papers in her draw . She phoned up the Chinese agent , and set up dinner . It looked like a glorious feast . Roast duck , with all the trimmings . The doorbell went . She walked over to it , and opened it . She said something , and the Chinese agent walked into the room . After ten minutes of conversation , she walked away . To go to the toilet . He walked over to the draws , and started rummaging . After a few minutes he found the file our agent had left . He took out the smallest camera you have ever seen , and clicked the image . After that , he put the files away . After he left , the confirmation came thick and fast . The Chinese fleet disbanded . It was amazing to see , but they split up within a matter of hours . Soon the sea around Taiwan was empty except for commercial shipping . I guess that if this had been a story that would be it . I would have been given a party , a celebration , and been allowed to leave . After all , I had saved the day . Well , Nigel did leave . I haven 't heard from him since . After they had finished celebrating , a guard collected me , and drove me in a prison van to here . It is a cold concrete cell . I am allowed a TV , and to write carefully vetted letters . I 'm not sure how I will post this , my story . Maybe I will write it under the postage stamp . I guess for an old crook like me , it is fair . But I wish I had been sent to jail for something I did . And not for some trumped up terrorist charge . Currently we only offer payment for one story selected as the feature story in the monthly pdf magazine only . The successful author will be contacted to organise payment via paypal for a $ 5AUD payment . 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The ship swayed and creaked . He feels every bit of it in his body . Taking no chances the crew , damnedable pirates , have chained him with no give . Legs bound in a kneeling position , arms chained to either wall crucifying him to the ship like a perverse figurehead , he 's been their captive long enough to have forgotten the feel of kindness . It is a small blessing that their fear of him keeps his gag in place at all times . It keeps them from coming anywhere near him . The captain learned a long time ago that he gleans all he needs to live from the moisture in the air , the brine in his eyes . During storms , when he is strongest , the captain posts guards with him . They don 't look at him . A terrible hope fills him today . By the movement of the ship and the crew 's curses , he knows that they 're being pursued by another ship . This ship is a runner , fast . There 'd be little concern of capture if the ship did not gain its quickness from being light , gain its lightness from having little room for armaments or supplies . The pursuers have had them going for a week now and they 'd been out of port for at least a month . He knows from the panic in the crew that the food is all but gone . Soon they 'll be too weak to load what small guns are aboard . He 'd be surprised if they could remember how to sight the cannons it 's been so long since the captain has ordered them used . His hope stems from the pirates ' desperation . If they succumb to practicality then they 'll come for him . With frightened hearts and shaking hands , they 'll undo his chains and he 'll get to spend some time under the sky instead of under foot . So he waits for their desperation to bloom practicality . It does not take long . The first mate comes with three guards and the keys . It is always the first mate that comes to get him . The captain coming himself would make him a person that the captain fears , he wouldn 't last long once that got out among the crew . The first mate is the only one he trusts with the keys to his chains . " The captain wants to see you . " He speaks with a unique accent that comes with the ship 's pidgin of French , Spanish , and Greek . His ears hear the gibberish , but his mind provides him with the meaning . Slowly , they unchain his arms from the ship and secure them behind his back . The guards are afraid to touch him , unsure whether he 'll break or they 'll be infected with something . It strikes him as odd how religious some of these men are . Coming onto the deck , sea spray hits him in the face , covers his bare chest . He instantly feels more alive . He stands taller , muscles flex , the chains bite into his skin . They take him to the captain , standing at the aft of the ship . He stands beside the captain looking out at the wide ocean , the only thing marring their perfect view of the horizon the pursuers . The first mate and guards fold themselves into the three other men standing around them . The captain just stands there for a few minutes , ignoring him . This too is done to show the crew he will do this in his own time , to show that the man he keeps below decks does not frighten him . Around the gag , behind the locked mouth plate , he smiles . Only he and the captain know what he is , and he knows that the captain is frightened of that . " I have use of you . " From under his coat he draws out the key that only he is allowed to keep . He inserts into lock for the face plate . " If you hurt this ship my men will stab you and you will die before you can swim for freedom . Like always , yeah ? " He nods . It 's always the same threat . It vaguely occurs to him that this is only a half life . But then , the spirits would kill for half a life . The plate falls away and he spits the wooden wedge from his mouth . His tongue sticks out , tasting the salt in the air . He flexes his jaw , taking in the blue sky , the white clouds , the gentle waves . He smiles at the captain . Other than the crew 's swords there is very little compelling him . Finally , the captain 's annoyance at the delay shows on his face . He focuses on ship on the horizon . He tries not to think of the men on the ship . He knows he will have to answer for his actions one day , but he 's trying to postpone that day for as long as possible . " I 'm fine . Sorry . " The cabby 's eyes dart from the road to the rearview mirror and back . " I 'm good . I 'm okay . " The cabby 's eyes return to the road and stay there , Lawrence was prepared to keep reassuring him for the rest of the drive as long as he didn 't take his eyes off the road . " That jetlag 's a bitch , isn 't it ? " " Yeah , jetlag . " He doesn 't really feel like talking so he looks out the window . What he sees unsettles him so much that he almost closes his eyes again . Outside the cab desert stretched on for miles . When he 'd met the cabby at the airport he 'd been fine . They 'd been in the middle of a city . He preferred the buildings and people to the endless dry expanse . He tried to think of it as a sea of earth but it just made him queasy . He can 't help it , he closes his eyes . " We 're almost there , " the cabby rouses him . " If I 'd of known I wouldn 't have let you sleep at all . You wouldn 't believe how many people fall asleep in my cab from the airport . " The cabby keeps up a steady stream of chitchat for the next few minutes . Lawrence doesn 't say much , but he 's glad for the distraction . " Here we go , buddy . " He pulls up in front of an independent diner . Lawrence can tell the sign was made with care when it was painted , years in the desert sun has faded it badly . " They got good food here ? " " I don 't know . This is my first time here . " He pays the fare and steps out of the air - conditioned interior . His lips are immediately dry and cracked . The heat cuts him to the core as fast as it dried his lips , the urge to speak rises in him . He needs to escape this heat , he 's drowning in dryness . He rushes inside hoping that they 'll have air - conditioning . No such luck . The interior of the restaurant is as faded as the exterior . He seats himself , impatiently tapping his foot waiting for the waitress . He can hear the sound of the wind . Not the dry , lifeless wind of the desert , but the damp , alive wind of the storm . It 's calling to him , begging him to call out . He licks his lips with a tongue he can barely feel . He can 't help himself , the desert is antithesis for him . Why had he decided to come here ? To satisfy some adolescent curiosity ? He takes one long , shuttering breath . " The special , two of them , just bring me a pitcher of water . " His throat feels so dry . He has to speak now before he loses his chance . " Hmph ! " With blurry vision he watches her flounce back to the kitchen . He grabs the edge of the table to steady himself . He 's clenching his jaw by the time she comes back with a glass for him . He swallows half of it . The cool liquid fills him , calming him . Vision clears , hands stop shaking , the urge lessening . The torrent of wind in his ears shifts to a gentle breeze . How close had he come ? The waitress turns to leave again , he grabs her arm . " Can I get you anything else ? " She says it in such a way that makes Lawrence wonder if it 's actually a question . She tired of him he can tell . She 's too used to bullying the locals . He doesn 't trying to be nice to her , he just takes out a fifty and lays it on the table . " This is your tip if you keep bringing me pitchers of water . " Her eyes gleam slightly as she stares at the bill on the table . Slowly she puts the pitcher on the table . " Thank you . " He drains the rest of his glass and pours another . He finishes this one in three huge gulps . He doesn 't feel as trapped now , his breathing has evened out . He fills the glass a third time , finishing off the pitcher , but only sips this one . A couple minutes pass , the waitress brings his two specials and another pitcher . Lawrence only picks at his food . Between the desert and the age of the equipment in the diner the food is completely dry . Mainly he just cuts up the food and moves it around on his plate . Mainly he watches the people in the restaurant . He immediately discounts his waitress . Seeing her move around the diner , speaking with her , she 's spent most of her life trying to get away from this place . It 's a pity that she 'd never really feel like she belongs anywhere . An old man sits in another booth . He is weathered , his countenance telling the story of a life in the desert . Despite the heat of the day he 's drinking coffee . Lawrence would have considered him a likely candidate if his research didn 't tell him he is looking for someone younger . Besides the old man doesn 't look like he belongs here , only that he 's gotten used to living here . It 's an old style diner setup , so Lawrence can see the cook behind the half wall separating the kitchen from the dining area . Cook would be a wonderful job for who he 's looking for . The heat rising from the stove providing a fix for the cravings while at work . Though nothing compared to the natural heat of the desert it would do while at work . Unfortunately the cook is wearing a sleeveless shirt that 's plastered to his body with sweat . Lawrence 's heart falls . He 's not close enough to the cook to pick up a flow from him , but the fact that he 's sweating tells him all he needs to know . It 's possible his sources were wrong . It 's not easy to track a Bearer . The burden / gift they bear making it too hard to get a fix on them . He 's about to get up , throwing the contents of his glass down his throat , when the kitchen door swings open and a young man steps through . Lawrence puts his cup down and watches him . Something in the way he moves is different . Somehow his movements come off as light , almost bouncy . Even just clearing dishes from tables , his movements are quick , precise . He wears a t - shirt , jeans , and boots , all are cheap , but he still has an air of status . Lawrence notes that he 's not sweating . He looks up , checking for more stray dishes . Lawrence motions him over . " You finished with this , mister ? " Lawrence inhales and catches the scent of aged stone . " Sorry , mister , I 'm just here for the dishes . You 'll want to try Craiper St . around ten tonight . " He grabs a plate , Lawrence grabs his wrist . Sun … Heat … Dry … Sand … Lawrence pulls his hand away , palm red . Perspiration stands out on the young man 's brow now , fear in his eyes . He slides into the booth across from Lawrence . Lawrence pours another glass of water and waits for the boy to say something . " I 'm on break ! " She throws up her hands and goes back into the kitchen . Tito smiles at Lawrence . " Let 's go outside . " Lawrence downs his water and follows him out and around the diner . " I 'm Benjamin Fuller , but everyone calls me , Tito . Now who the hell are you ? " It 's a fair question . If he doesn 't know what he is then he 's probably really freaked out . Lawrence can 't blame him , he 's been there . " Ha , not likely , man . " Tito looks skeptical , very skeptical . There 's at least fifteen years between them . And while Tito isn 't a full blooded Mexican , Lawrence can tell at least one of his parents is , while Lawrence couldn 't be more white without being an albino . It 's hard to believe . " I don 't mean biologically . I mean spiritually . " Tito 's face is instantly serious . " You can feel it , can 't you ? That subtle , tickling at the back of your brain that makes you feel like you know me , even while at your core I unsettle you . " " Yes . " Tito looks so relieved that it breaks Lawrence 's heart . He knows what it 's like to finally have this explained . Lawrence had spent three years in a mental hospital trying to deal by himself . Tito is a strong young man . " Where is there open desert ? " Tito points down an alley . Lawrence starts walking , Tito doesn 't need to be told to follow , he falls into step next to Lawrence careful not to touch him . They come out the other end of the alley seeing open land . For Lawrence it 's as close to nothing as he ever wants to get . Longing fills Tito 's eyes . " I want to share something with you . Watch out there . " Lawrence takes a deep breath and centers himself . The urge to speak has been growing since they stepped out of the diner , the dryness creeping in to all his dark places . Tito 's hands fly up to cover his ears . " Ah ! What the hell ? " FLASH ! BOOM ! The thunder cuts off any further curses . Tito 's gaze is drawn out to the desert , where black storm clouds have formed out of nowhere . The fear is back in his eyes , he retreats till his back hits the wall to the building . " What have you done ? " " I spoke my Word . We 're Word Bearers , Tito . You have your own . Can you feel it ? Deep in core . " Lawrence can see he 's confused . He 's frightened , overwhelmed . FLASHBOOM ! " You can stop this , Tito . Go ahead . Say your Word . I want to hear it . " " I don 't … I 'm not sure . " Confusion and fear war on Tito 's face . Lawrence hopes he won 't run . He didn 't mean to scare the boy . " Of course you 're sure . You 've known it for centuries , you just haven 't spoken it yet . It 's okay . I 'm here with you . " His first step is hesitant , his second is firm , his third is confident . Lawrence realizes he 's holding his breath . Tito looks up at him , he nods . Tito fixes his gaze on the storm . " " There it is . It 's as quiet as Lawrence 's Word is loud , but no less powerful . It 's so beautiful . As Lawrence watches the storm clouds dissipate a tear rolls down his cheek . 2 Dad suffered even from a sight of blood , and he never killed a hen nor slaughtered a pig . But I was aware that once he had donated his blood in the name of my Mum still , because she 'd had a narrow escape on an operating table then . With me a doctor would have my blood tested in a moment : one , two and it 's done . But first they make you ready for rather a time : take a seat , then have a proper finger chosen , though it is always just the one , then they wipe it with spirits until take somewhat sharp like a mini - scalpel . Not everyone can stand the procedure , but I was not against it when a doctor suggested me having my blood tested . She was a likable one , youngish for her age , not married or divorced , probably . And she had no child , I felt it immediately , she had such a look , barren if you want . Possibly for health reasons she could not bear a child or she didn 't find a right man . Or she could have a particular blood group not to have a child with anyone , that 's why she employed at a doctor 's consulting room to make blood tests . And she urged me to have my blood tested . At first I didn 't mind it , the right thing it is , still she didn 't ask my permission . " Just let 's have your blood tested " , she said and left me . She had many things to do I suppose . In doctor 's smocks they walked hither and thither all the time at a clinic there talking over the heads of those waiting , as if one was dead already . And I was still alive and a nurse was preparing to have my blood tested . While she got me ready she was chattering . She said that men were afraid of blood testing nowadays . More and more they refused to do it and ran away sometimes seeing a drop of blood . And one had nothing to fear , there was a couch behind the curtain in a special emergency to lie low , in case one fainted . She pulled the white curtain aside and showed me a couch with dark green leatherette and I shivered all at once : what for they needed my blood ? She suggested me taking off a jacket and rolling up my sleeve , left or right one , I don 't rMy Bio : Mr . Valery Petrovskiy is a journalist and short story writer from Russia . Не is an English Department graduate at Chuvash State University , Cheboksary , graduated in journalism at VKSch Higher School , Moscow and in psychology at Kazan State Technology University . He has been writing prose since 2005 . Some of his writing has been published in The Scrambler , Rusty Typer , BRICKrethoric , NAP Magazine , Literary Burlesque , The Other Room , Curbside Quotidian , DANSE MACABRE , WidowMoon Press , PRIME MINCER , Apocrypha and Abstractions , The Legendary in the USA , and in Australian " Skive " and " Going Down Swinging " magazines . At the moment he is writer - in - residence at Marco Polo Art Mag . It 's dark in here . That 's because I live at the bottom of the jewellery box along with the other outcasts : the tangled necklace with the broken lobster claw and teddy pendant she got for her eleventh birthday , along with the bracelet that 's missing a couple of gem stones . She always says she will have them repaired but never does , preferring to spend the money on more fashionable pieces instead that imitate Asian and Oriental designs . An untrained eye might imagine that they were found by a back - packer on their travels , but they weren 't . They can be bought from any shop on the high - street , and are merely echoes of worlds she 's never seen . Not all of us down here are broken though . I 'm not , and neither is the engagement ring she got from Mark , ( who eventually cheated on her with Shannon from Reception , ) or the belly bar she took out when she put weight on and decided looked too young for her anyway . The ones at the top who get worn more often pity us , ( ' how boring it must be , ' they say to each other in whispers they think we can 't hear , ' being cooped up down there , month in , month out , ' ) but in a way they 're jealous . As I 've said , you could buy them in their hundreds if you wanted to , and they are without sentimental value like the childhood necklace or the belly bar that reminds her of her wild teens and early twenties . They 're easily replaced and she gives them away when they become outdated - or chucks them if even her younger sister and the charity shops say no , thanks . She doesn 't like Mark 's ring or me , so it isn 't often that her fingers dig through the chunky bangles and strings of beads to bring me to the surface . It happens maybe three or four times a year when she has arranged to visit The Matriarch . The ring doesn 't even get a look in . Why Mark wouldn 't let her give it back to him so that he could give it to someone he did love is beyond us ; at least that way it would have been enjoyed . All the same , seeing as I 'm an heirloom and the ring is eighteen carat white goPerhaps you imagine I get bitter when the voices of the favoured ones float above my head , chattering away about their ventures out of the box : days at work , dinners , dates , parties and who was there , who wasn 't there , what she wore … you get the drift . Or worse , maybe you feel sorry for me . I 'd rather you didn 't . Pity the rest but not me . I 'm not so keen on their weight pressing down on me but I don 't mind the dark . In fact I quite like it . It reminds me of home , my real one , from before I met people . As for being bitter , you can rule that out . I 'm a pearl , darling ; it 's not in my nature . You lot have seen me as a symbol of love for thousands of years and I do try to live up to my name by being kind - although I cannot help but wince sometimes at the irony , given that the first person I ever met died . Don 't look at me like that ; it wasn 't my fault . But that 's why she doesn 't like me . All the same , when you 've being kept in a family for over a century you do take an interest in your present owner , even if it 's not reciprocated , so I enjoy listening to the young ones ' gossip . Let them have their fun while they still can . The best they can hope for is a place in a child 's dressing - up box in just a few , short years so they might as well enjoy it . 2 . Memories . I might be old - fashioned and be from a past that she and you would rather forget , but I 'm not like your kind . I will endure and outlive the others , her - even you . And I never forget . My memory doesn 't grow weak with age , it gets stronger . I can still smell what my home was like ; still feel the movements of the person who found me when he panicked and rushed too quickly to the top , and the urgent , grasping hand of the first , but different person to ever touch me , as though I 'd only stopped smelling and feeling them a minute ago . The memories of my owners and the events in their lives play like the films you are so fond of ; the moment when her grandfather proposed to her grandmother , and the christening of her mother , they are a3 . Before she grew up . I suppose you think it strange that her grandmother , ( or The Matriarch as she jokingly calls her , ) skipped a generation and gave me to someone who doesn 't like me , but it never used to be this way . When she was little and used to visit her grandmother she would ask , ( very politely after giving her a peck on the cheek , ) if she could play with her jewellery box . The answer was always yes , and she would very carefully hunt through the diamonds and gold to find me , pin me to her jumper and wear me for the rest of the time she was there . It became something of a ritual , to the point where her grandmother began to pick me out herself and would put me on the coffee table ready for when she arrived . When she was eighteen , The Matriarch had a heart attack , and fearing that she would never leave hospital , insisted on the girl 's mother driving for two hours to get me , so that she could give me to her personally before it was too late . They were very close , and still are in spite of the distance , for she survived against all the odds . Whenever she goes to see her she always comments on how lovely it is , seeing her granddaughter all grown up , wearing her old brooch that 's always been her favourite . And I was for a time . Traditionally I was only worn for a special or significant occasion , but when she was at college I had the strange but enjoyable experience of being put in her pocket and going with her , and if she felt nervous about something her fingers would slide down to stroke me . Normally I hated people manhandling me , but I didn 't mind in her case - it was better than her biting her nails . It was almost as if she thought that having me with her would stop something bad happening - and I have been viewed as ' lucky . ' Stop sniggering , it 's true . In the days of knights and sword - fighting , we would be worn when the rich and noble went into battle because they thought we would protect them from harm , so don 't laugh at her . It felt good , being wanted , and I have to confess I came in danger You don 't like being reminded of your past - those days of glory when Britain ruled half the world . I think that 's why you apologise so much , and give more than you can afford to charities trying to save the poor and starving around the globe . It 's almost as though you 're trying to make up for all the wrongs done before you were born . And I 've tried to avoid talking about it in case you ran away - I get lonely sometimes and it 's nice having someone to talk to . But you can 't run forever , things have to be faced eventually . Some of you may already know and may already be trying to shut out the sound of my words by turning your thoughts to the plans you 've made for the weekend , but there 'll be a lot of you who don 't . There are lots of happy anecdotes from my owners ' lives I could have told you but this is the one you need to hear : My story . We are not like your kind , but there is one thing we have in common : just as you can 't remember coming out of the womb , we don 't know what it was like being a grain of sand or piece of shell squeezing our way inside an oyster and hardening ; all I remember is being . There were no thoughts , for when you live inside a shell there isn 't a great deal to think about - nothing happens . That probably sounds dull to you but there was no sadness , no pain or death . It was peaceful , just being . I didn 't know this at the time but even nothing has to come to an end eventually : the day would always have come when I would be found . It will be hard for you to understand what it was like being taken out of water , hearing sounds , seeing colours and light - all for the first time . On paper it sounds great , this explosion of life , but the reality was frightening - and even fear was something I had never heard of or felt before . Maybe that 's why your newborns usually cry when they come out , because they 're scared and want to go back . I 'm trying to think of ways to describe how it was to you , and the only way I can think of is for you to imagine an ancient Egyptian being placed in the middle of a supermarket . That might give you a better idea , but even that doesn 't come close . I 've learnt a lot since then - ( I 've had to , I didn 't have any other choice - ) but there 's one thing I 've never been able to get my head around , and that is time . Your lives are ruled by clocks and diaries telling you when deadlines or birthdays are due , but when you have so much time whole years , even decades can pass you by . Forgive me then , if I am a little hazy on dates . What I can tell you is that I was brought to the surface in the late 1800s , which makes me special . There aren 't many of us that come from nature now . Most are made by man in bulk on farms . Things changed . You suddenly became concerned about human life and diving equipment got better . Both meant that the world 's poor no were no longer forced to hold their breaths for comments » I knew that someone important was going to walk into my life at 12 : 15 , just after I normally drink tea and prepare for an slow day working on the horoscope . Now , maybe you might not believe me . After all , I am a professional charlatan . But I knew something was up , because for the last two weeks every prediction I have made actually worked out . It started when I saw Mrs Henderson . She was a fat woman , an unpleasant woman , a great client . Like most people who wanted a reading , she didn 't want the truth . And normally I didn 't give it to her . I pulled out the equipment . It was a plain set . It looked like bone china , but was made in china for a very low price . Mrs Henderson looked impressed anyway . She had a lot of money , and not a lot of sense . Anyway , I started reading the information contained in the tea leafs . And then the world went blank . When I returned to the world , Mrs Henderson was gone . I walked out of the shop I had rented , and another of the shopkeepers came up to me . He was normally an quiet , amicable chap . This time he looked like he wanted to throttle me . " She came out of here . Howling and crying , like you 'd tried to kill her . " he put his face up to mine , " You ever do it again and I 'll . . " " I don 't know what you 're talking about , " and I backed away from him . He stalked off . I walked back to my shop , ready to wait for my next appointment . Mrs Abbot didn 't come . She left a nervous message on my answer phone . At the time I didn 't realise why . Because I had no other clients for the day , I went home . My mouth opened wide . It was such a shock , it seemed like I 'd just been told I was about to die . And then . Then I was in my bed , looking at the ceiling . The police officers had gone . But it felt more real than a dream . It must have been a dream . Yeah , that was what it was , I convinced myself . Although I should have known better . In Ireland you can make a full time living as a psychic . less so in England . The English wouldn 't even pay you if you could predict the lottery . So I also work as a pitchman . Which , if you think about it , is just another way to make a dishonest buck . I walked to the nearest boot sale , and set up . It isn 't too crowded in the morning . And everyone is busy . So I crawl in through the hedge . They don 't know that I 'm there against the rules . I set up . My table is old fashioned . A suitcase with legs you fold out . Like the true pitchmen of the 50 's . My pitch is the worm . They wiggle around my hand , like they are alive . The fools in the crowd gave me money . That is what they are for . She had the longest blondest hair this side of fairyland , and her smile lights up the room like a flashlight . And I knew I am meant to talk to her . Just now . She walked off . I had the sense she is in trouble . She was poorer than she used to be , her clothes were expensive , but last years fashion . I had a feeling I will meet her again . When I got there , there was Mrs Henderson and her husband . Their eyes were red . They had been crying . I couldn 't understand what they were there for . I managed to get them to leave . At first I thought that the gossip would help me . But the truth is , no one wants to go to a psychic that tells them the truth . Life is hard enough . You go to a psychic to hear lies . I made some money as a pitchman , so it didn 't affect me too much . But I kept on having bad dreams . I kept on seeing people I knew in them . Not just that , I saw how they died . Their pain . And I started to write down what I saw . In a book by my bedside cabinet . The extra time I had meant I was drinking more too . It was like I 'd been cursed . But the worst was the Christians . They decided that these dreams were inspired by Satan . They set up the picket line in front of my office . I started to think I should simply leave . On Wednesday , the cleaner came in . She was a nosy parker . And no mistake . Her husband had died a few years back , and she was interested in everything . While it 's not the way she put it , she was very interested in the diary . All the details of the different murders and deaths I 'd seen . All the factual details that no one else other than the murderer could know . She took it to the police , and they read it , and they got their warrant . I arrived back at the normal time , and nothing was different . The book was there . I didn 't notice the surveillance cameras . Not at all . They broke in that night . It wasn 't a dream . And I looked up to them bleary eyed , a gun pointing in my face , and swore . They dragged me towards the back of the car , and I noticed someone had decided to give the press warning . So it was very public . Once in , they took me right there . And kitted me out in fetching jail clothing , since I was still in pyjamas . This was the first time I was in jail , and I can tell you it is not as bad as some people say . There is an odd vinegar smell , hiding other bodily fluids . And it is never quiet . There is always shouting going on , and doors slammed . But it was no worse than some hotels I 've been in while performing . I looked across at my lawyer . Short , thin , balding and bored . The police officer had my diary in front of him . He picked it up . " In it , you 've got the details of dozens of murders . Information the police hasn 't released to the public . Information . . . dare I say it , in some cases that the police didn 't even know themselves . " And that was it . That was the full content of the interview . I was hustled off into the cell , and ended up waiting for days . In telephone conversations with friends , I knew the police were digging up my life . I was given a notebook , and a pen , and I continued to write down my dreams . I thought I might as well . The police would search my cell every now and again , and confiscate them . They even moved me to solitary . Made sure no one could be feeding me this information . Or , presumably , that I wasn 't ordering the killings . But the dreams continued . They were getting worse and worse . Every morning I woke up feeling like I had not slept . I guess at least things looked up , because they took me from prison . They drove me along country lanes , towards a building . I can 't tell you precisely where it was . It just looked like an old school to be honest . You 'd never have guessed it was an intelligence headquarters . They bundled me out into an empty building . You 've heard of the secret prisons . Well , they are true . They dressed me up in a uniform , tagged my ankle , and locked me in a cage . The only thing they gave me was some paper and a pen to write down my dreams . Sometimes people came to research me . They put me in scanners , and gave me all kinds of medical tests . The results were unsurprising . I was just a normal , healthy individual . And that was how it seemed I was destined to live for the rest of my life . Until I started to hear the voices . They were low . Just like someone was talking in the next room . Distant . And I couldn 't make them out . That night I was tossing and turning , and I heard someone shout out my name . I woke up . No one was there . Then I tried to get asleep again , and managed it . But the voice was insistent . Nothing answered me . The guards walked past my cell . But with the dreams and the voices , I was getting no sleep . It started to affect me so badly I would not even eat food . Within a few days I was exhausted . Mentally and physically drained . And I guess that is what the creatures wanted . Because soon they broke through . It 's hard to tell you how it felt . But if you have ever had a moment of shock , when you suddenly feel like you aren 't there , you 'll know . He said his name . And then the voice faded away . But I knew I had to do precisely what he told me . I 'd go mad otherwise . Maybe I was already mad . The opportunity came sooner than I expected . My handlers were getting anxious . I was producing less predictions than normal , and the federal conviction rate was plummeting through the floor . The handlers looked like model citizens . Dark suits , a man and a woman dressed formally , like they were lawyers . They flashed their badge to me . I don 't know why , the fact I was in a prison gave them away . The police officer fell back . You could see him working it through in his mind . Despite the success of my predictions , he settled on the conclusion I was mad . After all , psychic phenomena were impossible . He 'd read that once . I shook my head . But that night , I was thinking about it , and decided that I had to ask . Had to have a conversation , if only for my sanity . When the voices started up , I leaned forward in my bed . I asked the question again . But he would say nothing of use to me . he would only repeatedly ask me to find his killers . Not very useful . Eventually , I managed to coax his name from him . Nigel . Not a very good name for a joke . That was the strange thing . No murder victims of that name came up . Not any time soon . But a week later , a Nigel disappeared . And I realised the truth . I looked through the court reports . He had been killed by stabbing . They wouldn 't let me out of the jail . So all I could do was read the files they brought on him . And I got the feeling that many of the details had been redacted . it was like looking for a haystack in an elephant : messy and not very satisfactory . There were only two people I decided who could have done it . They both had a great deal to gain . At the end of the day , though , there is a limit to what you can do from inside a jail cell . The guards looked sceptically at me when I asked for it . But I was responsible for half the murder arrests in the district for the last six months . So they eventually gave me what I wanted . Especially when I refused to furnish them with any more information . I don 't know if you have ever been to a proper séance . Well , to be honest , most of the time the knocks are from the medium . But this time it was different . Within moments of the séance starting , I was aware that the room was colder . Then the entire board lifted off the table , and flew towards me . It hit the wall a few inches from my face . The room warmed up again . The presence was gone . For a little while . " I didn 't " I replied . I knew that he didn 't believe me . But he would have to show more senior people . And I knew they couldn 't afford to risk me . I went back to bed . For the first time in weeks , I had no bad dreams . I guess Nigel knew I understood his message . I slept very soundly . Until the next morning . But my guards didn 't really understand . Or they did not want to understand . My handler met me in the interview room the next morning . He looked tired . Besides him sat a man I hadn 't seen before . He wore the cleanest , most expensive suit I had seen during my stay at the states pleasure . The man stood up . He walked out of the room . Measured , and without menace . But he didn 't seem to be a man used to dealing with no . My handler shook his head . He didn 't need to tell me the consequences . All of a sudden , I was put on suicide watch . Woken up every thirty minutes to see if I wasn 't dead yet . The heating in my cell surprisingly broke . I knew I was in their hands totally . But I never realised what it was like to displease them . You see , Nigel might be a ghost , but that doesn 't mean he is stupid . He can see what is happening . He knows they are stopping me doing what he wants . And this gets him angry . They first times he acted , it looked like coincidence . The guards chair would tilt under him , depositing him on the floor . Or cups of coffee were not placed firmly enough on the table . The guards were spooked by me . They knew that I was able to see things they could not . But although the guards face became pale , his hand on the trigger was steady and firm . It was too late . The chair slammed into the guard . He dropped to the floor . Then I saw the guards keys float from his pocket . My cell door was unlocked . I walked over to the guard , stripped his clothes off , and changed into his uniform . I thought I didn 't have much of a choice . If I didn 't do what Nigel wanted he would kill me . Every door I came to slid open without me doing anything . It would have been creepy if I didn 't know what was happening . Soon the alarms started to ring out . People would be grabbing their guns , getting ready to shoot me . I could feel my heart trying to escape from my chest . I soon arrived at fire exit . It opened in front of me . I climbed down some steps . Below me , I could see coppers swarming . I continued to walk down . One of the coppers recognised me . I ran in the opposite direction . He took aim , and I could hear the gun explode behind me . But the bullet didn 't pierce my skin like I expected . Instead , it ended in the ground . I reached a police car , and the engine came on without anyone doing anything . Then I went into a store and bought black trousers and a white shirt . Got changed . And walked out of the shopping centre , expecting to be caught at any time . In my pocket there was five hundred dollars . That was all I had in the world , except for an insane ghost . I decided it was time to go to the library . After chatting to the librarian for a few seconds , she walked me over to a computer which had copies of the local papers for the last twenty years . I typed a search . At first I found nothing , but as I expanded the search back I found him . According to the interview , he was found murdered in his bed . He had been asleep . His wife had been charged and convicted of his murder . But she said she was innocent . Nothing came in response . I knew that would happen . It was too much to hope for . It was getting late at night . The librarian was fussing near me . It was time to go . When you are a fugitive , it isn 't as simple to find a place to stay as booking a room in a hotel . I walked round , looking for an empty house . It took me an hour . Occasionally a police car would go past . It made me nervous . At one time it would have been a posh bungalow . But whoever had owned it had been taken to a care home , and it was covered in weeds and neglect . I walked up to the door , and it swings open . That is one of the advantages of your own private poltergeist . Inside it was a mess . But dry and water proof . There was a wood burning stove in one room . The power was off , and Nigel didn 't turn it on . But the water was only off at the mains . It was easy enough to get it working again . In the morning I would have to start the process of searching for Nigel Slater . I knew roughly where he lived . I fell asleep , and woke up hungry and cramped . Outside , I could hear rustling . I peeked through the window , and could see a man dressed only in black . He looked like he was not very friendly . I ducked down , but he must have seen me . He edged towards the door . It was locked , but he slammed it open . I hid behind the sofa . it didn 't help . He walked towards me . I noticed he had a poker in his hand . There was no way he wouldn 't find me . I stood up . I looked over at him . He had a long scar down his face . it seemed like he was used to trouble . And he was straining to start a fight . I did what he said . He followed me . I thought he might hit me at any second . or recognise me . They must have put my picture out into the news by now . I sighed with relief , but knew that my location might be passed onto the police . I decided it was time to get out of the town . I caught a bus , and tried to hide my face . Since I hadn 't had a bath for a few days it was easier than you might think . People did not want to look me in the eyes . I arrived at Nigel 's house six hours latter . It was a solemn house . A plane front garden laid to grass , brick frontage , and white windows . It didn 't look like anyone had ever cared for it . It looked like it was a place to sleep and not to stay . It took me a few minutes to settle down , and watch the street . There was nothing extraordinary about it . A few people walked past , taking little interest in the stranger . After watching for half an hour , I knew there was little information here for me . Talking round the local shops I found out that Nigel had been a quiet man . Few people knew him , past his saying hello . he didn 't seem to have been involved in anything wrong . or indeed in anything at all . I decided that there could only really have been one source of trouble . He must have found out something at work . Something that made him worth more to someone dead than alive . I got some annual reports from his company and studied them . Amazing what is available on the internet these days . There was little of interest . I applied to work at Nigel 's company as a cleaner . it was a big risk . I supplied false references , and knew they would not check them for months . That 's the thing about cleaners . No one takes any notice . So I got the job , and examined the work place thoroughly . It looked like an office . The computers were always on . Once or twice I looked over the shoulder of someone working but it was all gobbledygook to me . To make it worse , I saw my face on the newspaper when I went for food . Sure , I looked a lot different now . I had grown longer hair , a beard , and was thinner . But it was still me . I grew suspicious of other people . Then came my big break . Several people were working in the office late . I overhead them speaking about a billion dollar deal . The company was getting bought out . I checked the internet , and there was something in the trade section . The routine was the same every day . But one of my colleagues had not turned up to work . So I was asked to clean the main office . I did so . But I did more than that , I broke into the file cabinets , and started reading company secrets . But that didn 't save me for long . The next day I arrived at work a few minutes earlier . Something told me that things were wrong . The security guard on the gate was new . He told me to go out to the bosses office . I walked into a small lab , and looked around . There was a window , and I tried to open it . In the distance I could see five police cars . The window wouldn 't open . There was only one way out . And I knew that by now , there would be police officers between me and the door . I looked round to find a chair . Then used it to break the window . The alarm went , and I slid through the empty hole . But I caught my shoulder on a shard of glass . I was bleeding . The police gave up their pretence . Dozens of sirens started up , heading towards the building . I ran through a green space . I knew that there was only one way out of the compound except the front gate . A hole in the fence I had noticed a few days earlier . But over head their was a helicopter . Although I ran like the wind , it wasn 't enough . I could hear the police men getting closer and closer . I turned around and saw two police officers . They both had guns pointed at me . I raised my hands , and they soon had me on the ground . I arrived at my destination a few hours latter . This time they were taking no chances . I arrived at a super maximum prison . Surrounded by barbed wire , dogs , and armed police officers it was obvious I 'd never get out . The next day the interrogation began . Again and Again . Asking me where I had gone . What I had done . I eventually broke down and told them everything . But that didn 't stop them continuing . Maybe what they were doing was no crime . But it was a form of torture . Eventually , the interrogations stopped . They gave me paper . They wanted to go back to how it used to be . But by that time I had got so angry , even when I did have a dream I kept it to myself . I wasn 't there . So all I can do is repeat the report that was made to me . No guarantee it is what happened . Apparently the director of the FBI had been having an extramarital affair . He was in bed that normal , and engaging in exercise at the same time . This was not expected , but what was even more unexpected was the windows opening wide . And the explosions of a gun . The director of the FBI 's gun . But I do know that it made the national news . The assistant director of the FBI resigned . And , to be frank , most of the people in the FBI did not care much about that . But it was fair warning . He didn 't seem to be exactly happy about what had happened . In fact , he stormed in to the visiting room , and let loose a barrage of swear words . I sat there passively , listening to him . When he calmed down sufficiently , he sat down . " Nigel was right . All he wants is his murderer found . But he isn 't going to stop . Not until that is done . Not even if he has to kill someone else to do it . " " No . I am not . Nigel is a threat to you . If you stand in the way , that is . He is a ghost . What can you do to get rid of him ? " The director of the FBI thought for a few seconds . An hour latter , a priest turned up with bell , book and candle . it didn 't work spectacularly . The power went off , the candle blew out , the bell rang , and the book was thrown across the room . The director gestured to the mirror and two toughs walked in . They carried some rope . They tied me to the chair , and lifted a cosh over their heads . Then all hell broke lose . The cosh swung back by itself . it raised into the air , and came down , laying out one of the thugs . The other caught me a glancing blow , but something unseen lifted him from the floor and threw him against the wall . " You have a choice . Director . Help find Nigel 's killer . Or , I think , Nigel will chase you down and gut you like a fish . " Eventually the Director settled down again . He sat in his chair , silently looking at me . I wasn 't a pretty picture . Thin , and in prison coveralls . I must have looked like a real criminal . They let me go that afternoon . Put me in a suit , and told me I was seconded to the FBI . I was even given my own agent . He was tall , thin , and looked every inch the government man . The agent shook his head . He gave nothing away . That was when I knew he wasn 't sent to help me . Just to keep an eye out on me . Nevertheless , I decided that I could use him . Like he wanted to use me . I looked over to him , and told him to get a warrant . We were going to search Nigel 's company . And read every damn bit of paper they had about Sigma . When we arrived at the door , they had their lawyer sorted out already . Someone must have leaked it . He looked like he had cost a lot of money . " I 'm afraid we have the right not to incriminate ourselves . We are asserting that right . Both as a company , and as individuals . So , no , you can ask any questions but we will not answer them . " I was surprised when I found the clue . It was something no one else would have noticed . A single envelope in the bin . It contained an address . I think Nigel must have been helping me . I was drawn to it . But the thing I noticed was the fact the address had a Sigma stamp . Once we were out of the building , I decided to break away from the FBI agent . I knew some things would work better on my own . it was easier said than done . When I tried to go for a walk that night , he insisted on staying right by me . Getting to the address was difficult . I didn 't have a car , I had to take the bus . Most of the journey there wasn 't even that . And it had began to rain . I must have looked odd , walking around town that late at night , soaked . In fact , I surprised no copper stopped me . " Good enough , " I said . Knowing I was lying as I said it . It wasn 't like it was my strong point . The expression on the coppers face showed he thought not either . He stood there behind me his mouth opened , as I shimmied the lock . it opened . I walked in . This was a mistake , I didn 't notice the small CCTV camera , the camera that was hidden in a plug socket . But it was sending my picture right up to the security office . I worked quickly , going up the stairs to the office . I don 't know what I had expected to see . But what I did see looked just like any other office . Even down to the half drunk cup of coffee . I woke up in the boot of a car . I could feel the engine running , and smell burning petrol . It was pick black . The car started off , bumping along the ground . Hitting me from side to side . My hands were tied behind my back . It was lucky I knew a little magic . I got the knot loose without much effort . Then I grovelled around the car to find something , anything that could help me . There was a wrench , which I picked up . I put the rope around my wrists , hiding the fact I was loose . And put the wrench in my pocket . The boot of the car swung open . One of the security guards lifted me out of the boot . He was covered in muscle . My mouth opened wide . That was the last thing I expected to hear . They marched me along the ground and I saw him for the first time . Nigel . Alive . Then the room went strange . Something turned the lights off , and opened the windows . It even raised a chair off the ground . The security guard looked worried for the first time . " For the last month , I have been searching for the person who killed Nigel Slater . You , sir , are Nigel Slater . But it seems your ghost hasn 't got the information you are alive . " But it didn 't work . By the time that the ambulance arrived , Nigel was in a deep coma . It took only a short time after that until the first homicide detective got there . But the truth is , it was fate . No ones fault . Except the murderer . After all , how can Nigel Slater 's ghost come into my dreams unless he is actually killed ? What happened next surprised me . The cops arrested me . Told me I was being held on suspicion of murder . I told them not to be idiots , but they wrote it in their notebooks and not their minds . By that point the clues would be getting stale , so I drove right to the company . But they wouldn 't let me in . it was a police investigation , they said . No dice . I called the FBI agent and asked him to run the full scan on Slater . By the time he had finished I would know every single family member . And all I had to do was interview them . The only clue left to me was Sigma . The company was closed for a few hours , but the managing director wasn 't . Again the FBI came to my rescue . They had the address , and I wasn 't afraid to use it . We walked up the garden path . It wasn 't the most luxurious house that a managing director had ever lived at . But I knocked on the door anyway . I walked in . Behold , the group was all there . The director of the FBI himself . The attorney general . And a four star general . I could feel the back of my assistant straightening up . The Managing Director pressed a button on the TV . It switched on . Nigel Slater 's office . I saw him pick up his glass . Put the chemicals in it . The MD fast forwarded . Nigel killed himself . " Oil . We got him to produce computer models . All the oil reserves . He was so great . . . well , he could produce a program that told us exactly where oil was , just from satellite images . " Just at that moment a dozen armed guards came into the room . Their guns were pointed right at me . I raised my hands , and was soon plunged into the carpet . They searched me . Didn 't find anything interesting . " Yeah . But I don 't think you did it . I don 't think you were that smart . But I don 't know what this being who calls himself Nigel Slater is , " I didn 't struggle . By now , them putting handcuffs on me was almost routine . I just wish I had been able to continue my life as a charlatan . I didn 't know what to say to that . it was true . it was obvious when you think about it . Nigel had told me he was murdered when he was still alive . but no one ever said the soul was bound to the arrow of time . Within a few minutes we had picked up an escort . From what I could tell , they had closed the road down . Only we were travelling that evening . I gulped . It looked like things were just about to head for the worse . The trip to the Whitehouse was the most fraught I had experienced in my life . The director of the FBI was reading faxes and emails in the car . His face was getting more and more pale . " I guess like the English did in WWII . With disinformation . We need to get an Chinese agent and feed him bad info . And I guess Nigel might be your best hope for that . " I guess the FBI director caught on quickly . Because he could go anywhere , Nigel could listen to the Chinese chatter . He could find Chinese agents . Maybe he didn 't know Chinese , but he knew enough to listen in to the English language conversations . It wasn 't a new concept . The CIA had investigated it in the sixties . But they didn 't have a real life ghost , so their experiments failed . This time we had a real ghost . I asked them to pick out the Ouija board again . The séance room was a sight you had never seen in your life . The president and the director of the FBI holding hands , in a dark room . The president of the united states shook his head . You could tell he couldn 't believe what he was seeing . He got up from his seat , and you could almost hear his bones cracking . Over in the corner of the room I could see a computer with satellite images . I could watch the Chinese fleet mobilising in real time . The number of dots that represented aircraft carriers alone was scary . " It will only be a few days before we have to mobilise our own navy . " The wait was excruciating . But suddenly five hours latter , the board started spelling out a name . The FBI director went to work . Within minutes they had the file out . He didn 't look like what you would expect of a Chinese agent . He had long , blonde hair , was dressed in a respectable suit , and had a respectable job . He worked in the old navy base . His job was to work on the files , reading sensitive military information . Including information about resource allocation . Once they checked his bank account the truth became obvious . The FBI director stood up , and paced down the long thin corridor . Then he arrived back in the meeting room with a young woman . She was dressed in military uniform . He explained the plan . It was simple . The Chinese agent needed to think it had all been a hoax . But for that to work , he would have to eat a pack of lies . I wasn 't there , so I can report only what I have been told . The female agent I had been introduced to worked in the old navy headquarters . She worked in the files there . It is a room full of top secret papers . Room might be the wrong word ; it was the size of an aircraft hanger . She worked there , and had spent months being bored . So naturally , she had struck up a conversation with the handsome blonde military attaché . And , the conversation was reciprocated . The director of the FBI looked at her . She didn 't look like much to put the freedom of the world onto . But she was eager . And after being told what to do , she didn 't complain . She saluted . I stood at the back of the room , watching the Director of the FBI feeling out the officer , and knew I would have to talk to Nigel alone . I didn 't trust her . She looked too good to be true with her starched uniform and willing smile . The new agent went into a staff car , to be driven to the headquarters . She looked very lonely in the back of the car . Meanwhile , we walked to the operations room . There was a banks of monitors the length of the room . We could see satellite images of the build up of the Chinese fleet , as well as real time updates of our spies . I nodded . Then looked back over to the screens . I could see our agent depositing the papers in her draw . She phoned up the Chinese agent , and set up dinner . It looked like a glorious feast . Roast duck , with all the trimmings . The doorbell went . She walked over to it , and opened it . She said something , and the Chinese agent walked into the room . After ten minutes of conversation , she walked away . To go to the toilet . He walked over to the draws , and started rummaging . After a few minutes he found the file our agent had left . He took out the smallest camera you have ever seen , and clicked the image . After that , he put the files away . After he left , the confirmation came thick and fast . The Chinese fleet disbanded . It was amazing to see , but they split up within a matter of hours . Soon the sea around Taiwan was empty except for commercial shipping . I guess that if this had been a story that would be it . I would have been given a party , a celebration , and been allowed to leave . After all , I had saved the day . Well , Nigel did leave . I haven 't heard from him since . After they had finished celebrating , a guard collected me , and drove me in a prison van to here . It is a cold concrete cell . I am allowed a TV , and to write carefully vetted letters . I 'm not sure how I will post this , my story . Maybe I will write it under the postage stamp . I guess for an old crook like me , it is fair . But I wish I had been sent to jail for something I did . And not for some trumped up terrorist charge . Currently we only offer payment for one story selected as the feature story in the monthly pdf magazine only . The successful author will be contacted to organise payment via paypal for a $ 5AUD payment . 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The ship swayed and creaked . He feels every bit of it in his body . Taking no chances the crew , damnedable pirates , have chained him with no give . Legs bound in a kneeling position , arms chained to either wall crucifying him to the ship like a perverse figurehead , he 's been their captive long enough to have forgotten the feel of kindness . It is a small blessing that their fear of him keeps his gag in place at all times . It keeps them from coming anywhere near him . The captain learned a long time ago that he gleans all he needs to live from the moisture in the air , the brine in his eyes . During storms , when he is strongest , the captain posts guards with him . They don 't look at him . A terrible hope fills him today . By the movement of the ship and the crew 's curses , he knows that they 're being pursued by another ship . This ship is a runner , fast . There 'd be little concern of capture if the ship did not gain its quickness from being light , gain its lightness from having little room for armaments or supplies . The pursuers have had them going for a week now and they 'd been out of port for at least a month . He knows from the panic in the crew that the food is all but gone . Soon they 'll be too weak to load what small guns are aboard . He 'd be surprised if they could remember how to sight the cannons it 's been so long since the captain has ordered them used . His hope stems from the pirates ' desperation . If they succumb to practicality then they 'll come for him . With frightened hearts and shaking hands , they 'll undo his chains and he 'll get to spend some time under the sky instead of under foot . So he waits for their desperation to bloom practicality . It does not take long . The first mate comes with three guards and the keys . It is always the first mate that comes to get him . The captain coming himself would make him a person that the captain fears , he wouldn 't last long once that got out among the crew . The first mate is the only one he trusts with the keys to his chains . " The captain wants to see you . " He speaks with a unique accent that comes with the ship 's pidgin of French , Spanish , and Greek . His ears hear the gibberish , but his mind provides him with the meaning . Slowly , they unchain his arms from the ship and secure them behind his back . The guards are afraid to touch him , unsure whether he 'll break or they 'll be infected with something . It strikes him as odd how religious some of these men are . Coming onto the deck , sea spray hits him in the face , covers his bare chest . He instantly feels more alive . He stands taller , muscles flex , the chains bite into his skin . They take him to the captain , standing at the aft of the ship . He stands beside the captain looking out at the wide ocean , the only thing marring their perfect view of the horizon the pursuers . The first mate and guards fold themselves into the three other men standing around them . The captain just stands there for a few minutes , ignoring him . This too is done to show the crew he will do this in his own time , to show that the man he keeps below decks does not frighten him . Around the gag , behind the locked mouth plate , he smiles . Only he and the captain know what he is , and he knows that the captain is frightened of that . " I have use of you . " From under his coat he draws out the key that only he is allowed to keep . He inserts into lock for the face plate . " If you hurt this ship my men will stab you and you will die before you can swim for freedom . Like always , yeah ? " He nods . It 's always the same threat . It vaguely occurs to him that this is only a half life . But then , the spirits would kill for half a life . The plate falls away and he spits the wooden wedge from his mouth . His tongue sticks out , tasting the salt in the air . He flexes his jaw , taking in the blue sky , the white clouds , the gentle waves . He smiles at the captain . Other than the crew 's swords there is very little compelling him . Finally , the captain 's annoyance at the delay shows on his face . He focuses on ship on the horizon . He tries not to think of the men on the ship . He knows he will have to answer for his actions one day , but he 's trying to postpone that day for as long as possible . " I 'm fine . Sorry . " The cabby 's eyes dart from the road to the rearview mirror and back . " I 'm good . I 'm okay . " The cabby 's eyes return to the road and stay there , Lawrence was prepared to keep reassuring him for the rest of the drive as long as he didn 't take his eyes off the road . " That jetlag 's a bitch , isn 't it ? " " Yeah , jetlag . " He doesn 't really feel like talking so he looks out the window . What he sees unsettles him so much that he almost closes his eyes again . Outside the cab desert stretched on for miles . When he 'd met the cabby at the airport he 'd been fine . They 'd been in the middle of a city . He preferred the buildings and people to the endless dry expanse . He tried to think of it as a sea of earth but it just made him queasy . He can 't help it , he closes his eyes . " We 're almost there , " the cabby rouses him . " If I 'd of known I wouldn 't have let you sleep at all . You wouldn 't believe how many people fall asleep in my cab from the airport . " The cabby keeps up a steady stream of chitchat for the next few minutes . Lawrence doesn 't say much , but he 's glad for the distraction . " Here we go , buddy . " He pulls up in front of an independent diner . Lawrence can tell the sign was made with care when it was painted , years in the desert sun has faded it badly . " They got good food here ? " " I don 't know . This is my first time here . " He pays the fare and steps out of the air - conditioned interior . His lips are immediately dry and cracked . The heat cuts him to the core as fast as it dried his lips , the urge to speak rises in him . He needs to escape this heat , he 's drowning in dryness . He rushes inside hoping that they 'll have air - conditioning . No such luck . The interior of the restaurant is as faded as the exterior . He seats himself , impatiently tapping his foot waiting for the waitress . He can hear the sound of the wind . Not the dry , lifeless wind of the desert , but the damp , alive wind of the storm . It 's calling to him , begging him to call out . He licks his lips with a tongue he can barely feel . He can 't help himself , the desert is antithesis for him . Why had he decided to come here ? To satisfy some adolescent curiosity ? He takes one long , shuttering breath . " The special , two of them , just bring me a pitcher of water . " His throat feels so dry . He has to speak now before he loses his chance . " Hmph ! " With blurry vision he watches her flounce back to the kitchen . He grabs the edge of the table to steady himself . He 's clenching his jaw by the time she comes back with a glass for him . He swallows half of it . The cool liquid fills him , calming him . Vision clears , hands stop shaking , the urge lessening . The torrent of wind in his ears shifts to a gentle breeze . How close had he come ? The waitress turns to leave again , he grabs her arm . " Can I get you anything else ? " She says it in such a way that makes Lawrence wonder if it 's actually a question . She tired of him he can tell . She 's too used to bullying the locals . He doesn 't trying to be nice to her , he just takes out a fifty and lays it on the table . " This is your tip if you keep bringing me pitchers of water . " Her eyes gleam slightly as she stares at the bill on the table . Slowly she puts the pitcher on the table . " Thank you . " He drains the rest of his glass and pours another . He finishes this one in three huge gulps . He doesn 't feel as trapped now , his breathing has evened out . He fills the glass a third time , finishing off the pitcher , but only sips this one . A couple minutes pass , the waitress brings his two specials and another pitcher . Lawrence only picks at his food . Between the desert and the age of the equipment in the diner the food is completely dry . Mainly he just cuts up the food and moves it around on his plate . Mainly he watches the people in the restaurant . He immediately discounts his waitress . Seeing her move around the diner , speaking with her , she 's spent most of her life trying to get away from this place . It 's a pity that she 'd never really feel like she belongs anywhere . An old man sits in another booth . He is weathered , his countenance telling the story of a life in the desert . Despite the heat of the day he 's drinking coffee . Lawrence would have considered him a likely candidate if his research didn 't tell him he is looking for someone younger . Besides the old man doesn 't look like he belongs here , only that he 's gotten used to living here . It 's an old style diner setup , so Lawrence can see the cook behind the half wall separating the kitchen from the dining area . Cook would be a wonderful job for who he 's looking for . The heat rising from the stove providing a fix for the cravings while at work . Though nothing compared to the natural heat of the desert it would do while at work . Unfortunately the cook is wearing a sleeveless shirt that 's plastered to his body with sweat . Lawrence 's heart falls . He 's not close enough to the cook to pick up a flow from him , but the fact that he 's sweating tells him all he needs to know . It 's possible his sources were wrong . It 's not easy to track a Bearer . The burden / gift they bear making it too hard to get a fix on them . He 's about to get up , throwing the contents of his glass down his throat , when the kitchen door swings open and a young man steps through . Lawrence puts his cup down and watches him . Something in the way he moves is different . Somehow his movements come off as light , almost bouncy . Even just clearing dishes from tables , his movements are quick , precise . He wears a t - shirt , jeans , and boots , all are cheap , but he still has an air of status . Lawrence notes that he 's not sweating . He looks up , checking for more stray dishes . Lawrence motions him over . " You finished with this , mister ? " Lawrence inhales and catches the scent of aged stone . " Sorry , mister , I 'm just here for the dishes . You 'll want to try Craiper St . around ten tonight . " He grabs a plate , Lawrence grabs his wrist . Sun … Heat … Dry … Sand … Lawrence pulls his hand away , palm red . Perspiration stands out on the young man 's brow now , fear in his eyes . He slides into the booth across from Lawrence . Lawrence pours another glass of water and waits for the boy to say something . " I 'm on break ! " She throws up her hands and goes back into the kitchen . Tito smiles at Lawrence . " Let 's go outside . " Lawrence downs his water and follows him out and around the diner . " I 'm Benjamin Fuller , but everyone calls me , Tito . Now who the hell are you ? " It 's a fair question . If he doesn 't know what he is then he 's probably really freaked out . Lawrence can 't blame him , he 's been there . " Ha , not likely , man . " Tito looks skeptical , very skeptical . There 's at least fifteen years between them . And while Tito isn 't a full blooded Mexican , Lawrence can tell at least one of his parents is , while Lawrence couldn 't be more white without being an albino . It 's hard to believe . " I don 't mean biologically . I mean spiritually . " Tito 's face is instantly serious . " You can feel it , can 't you ? That subtle , tickling at the back of your brain that makes you feel like you know me , even while at your core I unsettle you . " " Yes . " Tito looks so relieved that it breaks Lawrence 's heart . He knows what it 's like to finally have this explained . Lawrence had spent three years in a mental hospital trying to deal by himself . Tito is a strong young man . " Where is there open desert ? " Tito points down an alley . Lawrence starts walking , Tito doesn 't need to be told to follow , he falls into step next to Lawrence careful not to touch him . They come out the other end of the alley seeing open land . For Lawrence it 's as close to nothing as he ever wants to get . Longing fills Tito 's eyes . " I want to share something with you . Watch out there . " Lawrence takes a deep breath and centers himself . The urge to speak has been growing since they stepped out of the diner , the dryness creeping in to all his dark places . Tito 's hands fly up to cover his ears . " Ah ! What the hell ? " FLASH ! BOOM ! The thunder cuts off any further curses . Tito 's gaze is drawn out to the desert , where black storm clouds have formed out of nowhere . The fear is back in his eyes , he retreats till his back hits the wall to the building . " What have you done ? " " I spoke my Word . We 're Word Bearers , Tito . You have your own . Can you feel it ? Deep in core . " Lawrence can see he 's confused . He 's frightened , overwhelmed . FLASHBOOM ! " You can stop this , Tito . Go ahead . Say your Word . I want to hear it . " " I don 't … I 'm not sure . " Confusion and fear war on Tito 's face . Lawrence hopes he won 't run . He didn 't mean to scare the boy . " Of course you 're sure . You 've known it for centuries , you just haven 't spoken it yet . It 's okay . I 'm here with you . " His first step is hesitant , his second is firm , his third is confident . Lawrence realizes he 's holding his breath . Tito looks up at him , he nods . Tito fixes his gaze on the storm . " " There it is . It 's as quiet as Lawrence 's Word is loud , but no less powerful . It 's so beautiful . As Lawrence watches the storm clouds dissipate a tear rolls down his cheek . 2 Dad suffered even from a sight of blood , and he never killed a hen nor slaughtered a pig . But I was aware that once he had donated his blood in the name of my Mum still , because she 'd had a narrow escape on an operating table then . With me a doctor would have my blood tested in a moment : one , two and it 's done . But first they make you ready for rather a time : take a seat , then have a proper finger chosen , though it is always just the one , then they wipe it with spirits until take somewhat sharp like a mini - scalpel . Not everyone can stand the procedure , but I was not against it when a doctor suggested me having my blood tested . She was a likable one , youngish for her age , not married or divorced , probably . And she had no child , I felt it immediately , she had such a look , barren if you want . Possibly for health reasons she could not bear a child or she didn 't find a right man . Or she could have a particular blood group not to have a child with anyone , that 's why she employed at a doctor 's consulting room to make blood tests . And she urged me to have my blood tested . At first I didn 't mind it , the right thing it is , still she didn 't ask my permission . " Just let 's have your blood tested " , she said and left me . She had many things to do I suppose . In doctor 's smocks they walked hither and thither all the time at a clinic there talking over the heads of those waiting , as if one was dead already . And I was still alive and a nurse was preparing to have my blood tested . While she got me ready she was chattering . She said that men were afraid of blood testing nowadays . More and more they refused to do it and ran away sometimes seeing a drop of blood . And one had nothing to fear , there was a couch behind the curtain in a special emergency to lie low , in case one fainted . She pulled the white curtain aside and showed me a couch with dark green leatherette and I shivered all at once : what for they needed my blood ? She suggested me taking off a jacket and rolling up my sleeve , left or right one , I don 't rMy Bio : Mr . Valery Petrovskiy is a journalist and short story writer from Russia . Не is an English Department graduate at Chuvash State University , Cheboksary , graduated in journalism at VKSch Higher School , Moscow and in psychology at Kazan State Technology University . He has been writing prose since 2005 . Some of his writing has been published in The Scrambler , Rusty Typer , BRICKrethoric , NAP Magazine , Literary Burlesque , The Other Room , Curbside Quotidian , DANSE MACABRE , WidowMoon Press , PRIME MINCER , Apocrypha and Abstractions , The Legendary in the USA , and in Australian " Skive " and " Going Down Swinging " magazines . At the moment he is writer - in - residence at Marco Polo Art Mag . It 's dark in here . That 's because I live at the bottom of the jewellery box along with the other outcasts : the tangled necklace with the broken lobster claw and teddy pendant she got for her eleventh birthday , along with the bracelet that 's missing a couple of gem stones . She always says she will have them repaired but never does , preferring to spend the money on more fashionable pieces instead that imitate Asian and Oriental designs . An untrained eye might imagine that they were found by a back - packer on their travels , but they weren 't . They can be bought from any shop on the high - street , and are merely echoes of worlds she 's never seen . Not all of us down here are broken though . I 'm not , and neither is the engagement ring she got from Mark , ( who eventually cheated on her with Shannon from Reception , ) or the belly bar she took out when she put weight on and decided looked too young for her anyway . The ones at the top who get worn more often pity us , ( ' how boring it must be , ' they say to each other in whispers they think we can 't hear , ' being cooped up down there , month in , month out , ' ) but in a way they 're jealous . As I 've said , you could buy them in their hundreds if you wanted to , and they are without sentimental value like the childhood necklace or the belly bar that reminds her of her wild teens and early twenties . They 're easily replaced and she gives them away when they become outdated - or chucks them if even her younger sister and the charity shops say no , thanks . She doesn 't like Mark 's ring or me , so it isn 't often that her fingers dig through the chunky bangles and strings of beads to bring me to the surface . It happens maybe three or four times a year when she has arranged to visit The Matriarch . The ring doesn 't even get a look in . Why Mark wouldn 't let her give it back to him so that he could give it to someone he did love is beyond us ; at least that way it would have been enjoyed . All the same , seeing as I 'm an heirloom and the ring is eighteen carat white goPerhaps you imagine I get bitter when the voices of the favoured ones float above my head , chattering away about their ventures out of the box : days at work , dinners , dates , parties and who was there , who wasn 't there , what she wore … you get the drift . Or worse , maybe you feel sorry for me . I 'd rather you didn 't . Pity the rest but not me . I 'm not so keen on their weight pressing down on me but I don 't mind the dark . In fact I quite like it . It reminds me of home , my real one , from before I met people . As for being bitter , you can rule that out . I 'm a pearl , darling ; it 's not in my nature . You lot have seen me as a symbol of love for thousands of years and I do try to live up to my name by being kind - although I cannot help but wince sometimes at the irony , given that the first person I ever met died . Don 't look at me like that ; it wasn 't my fault . But that 's why she doesn 't like me . All the same , when you 've being kept in a family for over a century you do take an interest in your present owner , even if it 's not reciprocated , so I enjoy listening to the young ones ' gossip . Let them have their fun while they still can . The best they can hope for is a place in a child 's dressing - up box in just a few , short years so they might as well enjoy it . 2 . Memories . I might be old - fashioned and be from a past that she and you would rather forget , but I 'm not like your kind . I will endure and outlive the others , her - even you . And I never forget . My memory doesn 't grow weak with age , it gets stronger . I can still smell what my home was like ; still feel the movements of the person who found me when he panicked and rushed too quickly to the top , and the urgent , grasping hand of the first , but different person to ever touch me , as though I 'd only stopped smelling and feeling them a minute ago . The memories of my owners and the events in their lives play like the films you are so fond of ; the moment when her grandfather proposed to her grandmother , and the christening of her mother , they are a3 . Before she grew up . I suppose you think it strange that her grandmother , ( or The Matriarch as she jokingly calls her , ) skipped a generation and gave me to someone who doesn 't like me , but it never used to be this way . When she was little and used to visit her grandmother she would ask , ( very politely after giving her a peck on the cheek , ) if she could play with her jewellery box . The answer was always yes , and she would very carefully hunt through the diamonds and gold to find me , pin me to her jumper and wear me for the rest of the time she was there . It became something of a ritual , to the point where her grandmother began to pick me out herself and would put me on the coffee table ready for when she arrived . When she was eighteen , The Matriarch had a heart attack , and fearing that she would never leave hospital , insisted on the girl 's mother driving for two hours to get me , so that she could give me to her personally before it was too late . They were very close , and still are in spite of the distance , for she survived against all the odds . Whenever she goes to see her she always comments on how lovely it is , seeing her granddaughter all grown up , wearing her old brooch that 's always been her favourite . And I was for a time . Traditionally I was only worn for a special or significant occasion , but when she was at college I had the strange but enjoyable experience of being put in her pocket and going with her , and if she felt nervous about something her fingers would slide down to stroke me . Normally I hated people manhandling me , but I didn 't mind in her case - it was better than her biting her nails . It was almost as if she thought that having me with her would stop something bad happening - and I have been viewed as ' lucky . ' Stop sniggering , it 's true . In the days of knights and sword - fighting , we would be worn when the rich and noble went into battle because they thought we would protect them from harm , so don 't laugh at her . It felt good , being wanted , and I have to confess I came in danger You don 't like being reminded of your past - those days of glory when Britain ruled half the world . I think that 's why you apologise so much , and give more than you can afford to charities trying to save the poor and starving around the globe . It 's almost as though you 're trying to make up for all the wrongs done before you were born . And I 've tried to avoid talking about it in case you ran away - I get lonely sometimes and it 's nice having someone to talk to . But you can 't run forever , things have to be faced eventually . Some of you may already know and may already be trying to shut out the sound of my words by turning your thoughts to the plans you 've made for the weekend , but there 'll be a lot of you who don 't . There are lots of happy anecdotes from my owners ' lives I could have told you but this is the one you need to hear : My story . We are not like your kind , but there is one thing we have in common : just as you can 't remember coming out of the womb , we don 't know what it was like being a grain of sand or piece of shell squeezing our way inside an oyster and hardening ; all I remember is being . There were no thoughts , for when you live inside a shell there isn 't a great deal to think about - nothing happens . That probably sounds dull to you but there was no sadness , no pain or death . It was peaceful , just being . I didn 't know this at the time but even nothing has to come to an end eventually : the day would always have come when I would be found . It will be hard for you to understand what it was like being taken out of water , hearing sounds , seeing colours and light - all for the first time . On paper it sounds great , this explosion of life , but the reality was frightening - and even fear was something I had never heard of or felt before . Maybe that 's why your newborns usually cry when they come out , because they 're scared and want to go back . I 'm trying to think of ways to describe how it was to you , and the only way I can think of is for you to imagine an ancient Egyptian being placed in the middle of a supermarket . That might give you a better idea , but even that doesn 't come close . I 've learnt a lot since then - ( I 've had to , I didn 't have any other choice - ) but there 's one thing I 've never been able to get my head around , and that is time . Your lives are ruled by clocks and diaries telling you when deadlines or birthdays are due , but when you have so much time whole years , even decades can pass you by . Forgive me then , if I am a little hazy on dates . What I can tell you is that I was brought to the surface in the late 1800s , which makes me special . There aren 't many of us that come from nature now . Most are made by man in bulk on farms . Things changed . You suddenly became concerned about human life and diving equipment got better . Both meant that the world 's poor no were no longer forced to hold their breaths for comments » I knew that someone important was going to walk into my life at 12 : 15 , just after I normally drink tea and prepare for an slow day working on the horoscope . Now , maybe you might not believe me . After all , I am a professional charlatan . But I knew something was up , because for the last two weeks every prediction I have made actually worked out . It started when I saw Mrs Henderson . She was a fat woman , an unpleasant woman , a great client . Like most people who wanted a reading , she didn 't want the truth . And normally I didn 't give it to her . I pulled out the equipment . It was a plain set . It looked like bone china , but was made in china for a very low price . Mrs Henderson looked impressed anyway . She had a lot of money , and not a lot of sense . Anyway , I started reading the information contained in the tea leafs . And then the world went blank . When I returned to the world , Mrs Henderson was gone . I walked out of the shop I had rented , and another of the shopkeepers came up to me . He was normally an quiet , amicable chap . This time he looked like he wanted to throttle me . " She came out of here . Howling and crying , like you 'd tried to kill her . " he put his face up to mine , " You ever do it again and I 'll . . " " I don 't know what you 're talking about , " and I backed away from him . He stalked off . I walked back to my shop , ready to wait for my next appointment . Mrs Abbot didn 't come . She left a nervous message on my answer phone . At the time I didn 't realise why . Because I had no other clients for the day , I went home . My mouth opened wide . It was such a shock , it seemed like I 'd just been told I was about to die . And then . Then I was in my bed , looking at the ceiling . The police officers had gone . But it felt more real than a dream . It must have been a dream . Yeah , that was what it was , I convinced myself . Although I should have known better . In Ireland you can make a full time living as a psychic . less so in England . The English wouldn 't even pay you if you could predict the lottery . So I also work as a pitchman . Which , if you think about it , is just another way to make a dishonest buck . I walked to the nearest boot sale , and set up . It isn 't too crowded in the morning . And everyone is busy . So I crawl in through the hedge . They don 't know that I 'm there against the rules . I set up . My table is old fashioned . A suitcase with legs you fold out . Like the true pitchmen of the 50 's . My pitch is the worm . They wiggle around my hand , like they are alive . The fools in the crowd gave me money . That is what they are for . She had the longest blondest hair this side of fairyland , and her smile lights up the room like a flashlight . And I knew I am meant to talk to her . Just now . She walked off . I had the sense she is in trouble . She was poorer than she used to be , her clothes were expensive , but last years fashion . I had a feeling I will meet her again . When I got there , there was Mrs Henderson and her husband . Their eyes were red . They had been crying . I couldn 't understand what they were there for . I managed to get them to leave . At first I thought that the gossip would help me . But the truth is , no one wants to go to a psychic that tells them the truth . Life is hard enough . You go to a psychic to hear lies . I made some money as a pitchman , so it didn 't affect me too much . But I kept on having bad dreams . I kept on seeing people I knew in them . Not just that , I saw how they died . Their pain . And I started to write down what I saw . In a book by my bedside cabinet . The extra time I had meant I was drinking more too . It was like I 'd been cursed . But the worst was the Christians . They decided that these dreams were inspired by Satan . They set up the picket line in front of my office . I started to think I should simply leave . On Wednesday , the cleaner came in . She was a nosy parker . And no mistake . Her husband had died a few years back , and she was interested in everything . While it 's not the way she put it , she was very interested in the diary . All the details of the different murders and deaths I 'd seen . All the factual details that no one else other than the murderer could know . She took it to the police , and they read it , and they got their warrant . I arrived back at the normal time , and nothing was different . The book was there . I didn 't notice the surveillance cameras . Not at all . They broke in that night . It wasn 't a dream . And I looked up to them bleary eyed , a gun pointing in my face , and swore . They dragged me towards the back of the car , and I noticed someone had decided to give the press warning . So it was very public . Once in , they took me right there . And kitted me out in fetching jail clothing , since I was still in pyjamas . This was the first time I was in jail , and I can tell you it is not as bad as some people say . There is an odd vinegar smell , hiding other bodily fluids . And it is never quiet . There is always shouting going on , and doors slammed . But it was no worse than some hotels I 've been in while performing . I looked across at my lawyer . Short , thin , balding and bored . The police officer had my diary in front of him . He picked it up . " In it , you 've got the details of dozens of murders . Information the police hasn 't released to the public . Information . . . dare I say it , in some cases that the police didn 't even know themselves . " And that was it . That was the full content of the interview . I was hustled off into the cell , and ended up waiting for days . In telephone conversations with friends , I knew the police were digging up my life . I was given a notebook , and a pen , and I continued to write down my dreams . I thought I might as well . The police would search my cell every now and again , and confiscate them . They even moved me to solitary . Made sure no one could be feeding me this information . Or , presumably , that I wasn 't ordering the killings . But the dreams continued . They were getting worse and worse . Every morning I woke up feeling like I had not slept . I guess at least things looked up , because they took me from prison . They drove me along country lanes , towards a building . I can 't tell you precisely where it was . It just looked like an old school to be honest . You 'd never have guessed it was an intelligence headquarters . They bundled me out into an empty building . You 've heard of the secret prisons . Well , they are true . They dressed me up in a uniform , tagged my ankle , and locked me in a cage . The only thing they gave me was some paper and a pen to write down my dreams . Sometimes people came to research me . They put me in scanners , and gave me all kinds of medical tests . The results were unsurprising . I was just a normal , healthy individual . And that was how it seemed I was destined to live for the rest of my life . Until I started to hear the voices . They were low . Just like someone was talking in the next room . Distant . And I couldn 't make them out . That night I was tossing and turning , and I heard someone shout out my name . I woke up . No one was there . Then I tried to get asleep again , and managed it . But the voice was insistent . Nothing answered me . The guards walked past my cell . But with the dreams and the voices , I was getting no sleep . It started to affect me so badly I would not even eat food . Within a few days I was exhausted . Mentally and physically drained . And I guess that is what the creatures wanted . Because soon they broke through . It 's hard to tell you how it felt . But if you have ever had a moment of shock , when you suddenly feel like you aren 't there , you 'll know . He said his name . And then the voice faded away . But I knew I had to do precisely what he told me . I 'd go mad otherwise . Maybe I was already mad . The opportunity came sooner than I expected . My handlers were getting anxious . I was producing less predictions than normal , and the federal conviction rate was plummeting through the floor . The handlers looked like model citizens . Dark suits , a man and a woman dressed formally , like they were lawyers . They flashed their badge to me . I don 't know why , the fact I was in a prison gave them away . The police officer fell back . You could see him working it through in his mind . Despite the success of my predictions , he settled on the conclusion I was mad . After all , psychic phenomena were impossible . He 'd read that once . I shook my head . But that night , I was thinking about it , and decided that I had to ask . Had to have a conversation , if only for my sanity . When the voices started up , I leaned forward in my bed . I asked the question again . But he would say nothing of use to me . he would only repeatedly ask me to find his killers . Not very useful . Eventually , I managed to coax his name from him . Nigel . Not a very good name for a joke . That was the strange thing . No murder victims of that name came up . Not any time soon . But a week later , a Nigel disappeared . And I realised the truth . I looked through the court reports . He had been killed by stabbing . They wouldn 't let me out of the jail . So all I could do was read the files they brought on him . And I got the feeling that many of the details had been redacted . it was like looking for a haystack in an elephant : messy and not very satisfactory . There were only two people I decided who could have done it . They both had a great deal to gain . At the end of the day , though , there is a limit to what you can do from inside a jail cell . The guards looked sceptically at me when I asked for it . But I was responsible for half the murder arrests in the district for the last six months . So they eventually gave me what I wanted . Especially when I refused to furnish them with any more information . I don 't know if you have ever been to a proper séance . Well , to be honest , most of the time the knocks are from the medium . But this time it was different . Within moments of the séance starting , I was aware that the room was colder . Then the entire board lifted off the table , and flew towards me . It hit the wall a few inches from my face . The room warmed up again . The presence was gone . For a little while . " I didn 't " I replied . I knew that he didn 't believe me . But he would have to show more senior people . And I knew they couldn 't afford to risk me . I went back to bed . For the first time in weeks , I had no bad dreams . I guess Nigel knew I understood his message . I slept very soundly . Until the next morning . But my guards didn 't really understand . Or they did not want to understand . My handler met me in the interview room the next morning . He looked tired . Besides him sat a man I hadn 't seen before . He wore the cleanest , most expensive suit I had seen during my stay at the states pleasure . The man stood up . He walked out of the room . Measured , and without menace . But he didn 't seem to be a man used to dealing with no . My handler shook his head . He didn 't need to tell me the consequences . All of a sudden , I was put on suicide watch . Woken up every thirty minutes to see if I wasn 't dead yet . The heating in my cell surprisingly broke . I knew I was in their hands totally . But I never realised what it was like to displease them . You see , Nigel might be a ghost , but that doesn 't mean he is stupid . He can see what is happening . He knows they are stopping me doing what he wants . And this gets him angry . They first times he acted , it looked like coincidence . The guards chair would tilt under him , depositing him on the floor . Or cups of coffee were not placed firmly enough on the table . The guards were spooked by me . They knew that I was able to see things they could not . But although the guards face became pale , his hand on the trigger was steady and firm . It was too late . The chair slammed into the guard . He dropped to the floor . Then I saw the guards keys float from his pocket . My cell door was unlocked . I walked over to the guard , stripped his clothes off , and changed into his uniform . I thought I didn 't have much of a choice . If I didn 't do what Nigel wanted he would kill me . Every door I came to slid open without me doing anything . It would have been creepy if I didn 't know what was happening . Soon the alarms started to ring out . People would be grabbing their guns , getting ready to shoot me . I could feel my heart trying to escape from my chest . I soon arrived at fire exit . It opened in front of me . I climbed down some steps . Below me , I could see coppers swarming . I continued to walk down . One of the coppers recognised me . I ran in the opposite direction . He took aim , and I could hear the gun explode behind me . But the bullet didn 't pierce my skin like I expected . Instead , it ended in the ground . I reached a police car , and the engine came on without anyone doing anything . Then I went into a store and bought black trousers and a white shirt . Got changed . And walked out of the shopping centre , expecting to be caught at any time . In my pocket there was five hundred dollars . That was all I had in the world , except for an insane ghost . I decided it was time to go to the library . After chatting to the librarian for a few seconds , she walked me over to a computer which had copies of the local papers for the last twenty years . I typed a search . At first I found nothing , but as I expanded the search back I found him . According to the interview , he was found murdered in his bed . He had been asleep . His wife had been charged and convicted of his murder . But she said she was innocent . Nothing came in response . I knew that would happen . It was too much to hope for . It was getting late at night . The librarian was fussing near me . It was time to go . When you are a fugitive , it isn 't as simple to find a place to stay as booking a room in a hotel . I walked round , looking for an empty house . It took me an hour . Occasionally a police car would go past . It made me nervous . At one time it would have been a posh bungalow . But whoever had owned it had been taken to a care home , and it was covered in weeds and neglect . I walked up to the door , and it swings open . That is one of the advantages of your own private poltergeist . Inside it was a mess . But dry and water proof . There was a wood burning stove in one room . The power was off , and Nigel didn 't turn it on . But the water was only off at the mains . It was easy enough to get it working again . In the morning I would have to start the process of searching for Nigel Slater . I knew roughly where he lived . I fell asleep , and woke up hungry and cramped . Outside , I could hear rustling . I peeked through the window , and could see a man dressed only in black . He looked like he was not very friendly . I ducked down , but he must have seen me . He edged towards the door . It was locked , but he slammed it open . I hid behind the sofa . it didn 't help . He walked towards me . I noticed he had a poker in his hand . There was no way he wouldn 't find me . I stood up . I looked over at him . He had a long scar down his face . it seemed like he was used to trouble . And he was straining to start a fight . I did what he said . He followed me . I thought he might hit me at any second . or recognise me . They must have put my picture out into the news by now . I sighed with relief , but knew that my location might be passed onto the police . I decided it was time to get out of the town . I caught a bus , and tried to hide my face . Since I hadn 't had a bath for a few days it was easier than you might think . People did not want to look me in the eyes . I arrived at Nigel 's house six hours latter . It was a solemn house . A plane front garden laid to grass , brick frontage , and white windows . It didn 't look like anyone had ever cared for it . It looked like it was a place to sleep and not to stay . It took me a few minutes to settle down , and watch the street . There was nothing extraordinary about it . A few people walked past , taking little interest in the stranger . After watching for half an hour , I knew there was little information here for me . Talking round the local shops I found out that Nigel had been a quiet man . Few people knew him , past his saying hello . he didn 't seem to have been involved in anything wrong . or indeed in anything at all . I decided that there could only really have been one source of trouble . He must have found out something at work . Something that made him worth more to someone dead than alive . I got some annual reports from his company and studied them . Amazing what is available on the internet these days . There was little of interest . I applied to work at Nigel 's company as a cleaner . it was a big risk . I supplied false references , and knew they would not check them for months . That 's the thing about cleaners . No one takes any notice . So I got the job , and examined the work place thoroughly . It looked like an office . The computers were always on . Once or twice I looked over the shoulder of someone working but it was all gobbledygook to me . To make it worse , I saw my face on the newspaper when I went for food . Sure , I looked a lot different now . I had grown longer hair , a beard , and was thinner . But it was still me . I grew suspicious of other people . Then came my big break . Several people were working in the office late . I overhead them speaking about a billion dollar deal . The company was getting bought out . I checked the internet , and there was something in the trade section . The routine was the same every day . But one of my colleagues had not turned up to work . So I was asked to clean the main office . I did so . But I did more than that , I broke into the file cabinets , and started reading company secrets . But that didn 't save me for long . The next day I arrived at work a few minutes earlier . Something told me that things were wrong . The security guard on the gate was new . He told me to go out to the bosses office . I walked into a small lab , and looked around . There was a window , and I tried to open it . In the distance I could see five police cars . The window wouldn 't open . There was only one way out . And I knew that by now , there would be police officers between me and the door . I looked round to find a chair . Then used it to break the window . The alarm went , and I slid through the empty hole . But I caught my shoulder on a shard of glass . I was bleeding . The police gave up their pretence . Dozens of sirens started up , heading towards the building . I ran through a green space . I knew that there was only one way out of the compound except the front gate . A hole in the fence I had noticed a few days earlier . But over head their was a helicopter . Although I ran like the wind , it wasn 't enough . I could hear the police men getting closer and closer . I turned around and saw two police officers . They both had guns pointed at me . I raised my hands , and they soon had me on the ground . I arrived at my destination a few hours latter . This time they were taking no chances . I arrived at a super maximum prison . Surrounded by barbed wire , dogs , and armed police officers it was obvious I 'd never get out . The next day the interrogation began . Again and Again . Asking me where I had gone . What I had done . I eventually broke down and told them everything . But that didn 't stop them continuing . Maybe what they were doing was no crime . But it was a form of torture . Eventually , the interrogations stopped . They gave me paper . They wanted to go back to how it used to be . But by that time I had got so angry , even when I did have a dream I kept it to myself . I wasn 't there . So all I can do is repeat the report that was made to me . No guarantee it is what happened . Apparently the director of the FBI had been having an extramarital affair . He was in bed that normal , and engaging in exercise at the same time . This was not expected , but what was even more unexpected was the windows opening wide . And the explosions of a gun . The director of the FBI 's gun . But I do know that it made the national news . The assistant director of the FBI resigned . And , to be frank , most of the people in the FBI did not care much about that . But it was fair warning . He didn 't seem to be exactly happy about what had happened . In fact , he stormed in to the visiting room , and let loose a barrage of swear words . I sat there passively , listening to him . When he calmed down sufficiently , he sat down . " Nigel was right . All he wants is his murderer found . But he isn 't going to stop . Not until that is done . Not even if he has to kill someone else to do it . " " No . I am not . Nigel is a threat to you . If you stand in the way , that is . He is a ghost . What can you do to get rid of him ? " The director of the FBI thought for a few seconds . An hour latter , a priest turned up with bell , book and candle . it didn 't work spectacularly . The power went off , the candle blew out , the bell rang , and the book was thrown across the room . The director gestured to the mirror and two toughs walked in . They carried some rope . They tied me to the chair , and lifted a cosh over their heads . Then all hell broke lose . The cosh swung back by itself . it raised into the air , and came down , laying out one of the thugs . The other caught me a glancing blow , but something unseen lifted him from the floor and threw him against the wall . " You have a choice . Director . Help find Nigel 's killer . Or , I think , Nigel will chase you down and gut you like a fish . " Eventually the Director settled down again . He sat in his chair , silently looking at me . I wasn 't a pretty picture . Thin , and in prison coveralls . I must have looked like a real criminal . They let me go that afternoon . Put me in a suit , and told me I was seconded to the FBI . I was even given my own agent . He was tall , thin , and looked every inch the government man . The agent shook his head . He gave nothing away . That was when I knew he wasn 't sent to help me . Just to keep an eye out on me . Nevertheless , I decided that I could use him . Like he wanted to use me . I looked over to him , and told him to get a warrant . We were going to search Nigel 's company . And read every damn bit of paper they had about Sigma . When we arrived at the door , they had their lawyer sorted out already . Someone must have leaked it . He looked like he had cost a lot of money . " I 'm afraid we have the right not to incriminate ourselves . We are asserting that right . Both as a company , and as individuals . So , no , you can ask any questions but we will not answer them . " I was surprised when I found the clue . It was something no one else would have noticed . A single envelope in the bin . It contained an address . I think Nigel must have been helping me . I was drawn to it . But the thing I noticed was the fact the address had a Sigma stamp . Once we were out of the building , I decided to break away from the FBI agent . I knew some things would work better on my own . it was easier said than done . When I tried to go for a walk that night , he insisted on staying right by me . Getting to the address was difficult . I didn 't have a car , I had to take the bus . Most of the journey there wasn 't even that . And it had began to rain . I must have looked odd , walking around town that late at night , soaked . In fact , I surprised no copper stopped me . " Good enough , " I said . Knowing I was lying as I said it . It wasn 't like it was my strong point . The expression on the coppers face showed he thought not either . He stood there behind me his mouth opened , as I shimmied the lock . it opened . I walked in . This was a mistake , I didn 't notice the small CCTV camera , the camera that was hidden in a plug socket . But it was sending my picture right up to the security office . I worked quickly , going up the stairs to the office . I don 't know what I had expected to see . But what I did see looked just like any other office . Even down to the half drunk cup of coffee . I woke up in the boot of a car . I could feel the engine running , and smell burning petrol . It was pick black . The car started off , bumping along the ground . Hitting me from side to side . My hands were tied behind my back . It was lucky I knew a little magic . I got the knot loose without much effort . Then I grovelled around the car to find something , anything that could help me . There was a wrench , which I picked up . I put the rope around my wrists , hiding the fact I was loose . And put the wrench in my pocket . The boot of the car swung open . One of the security guards lifted me out of the boot . He was covered in muscle . My mouth opened wide . That was the last thing I expected to hear . They marched me along the ground and I saw him for the first time . Nigel . Alive . Then the room went strange . Something turned the lights off , and opened the windows . It even raised a chair off the ground . The security guard looked worried for the first time . " For the last month , I have been searching for the person who killed Nigel Slater . You , sir , are Nigel Slater . But it seems your ghost hasn 't got the information you are alive . " But it didn 't work . By the time that the ambulance arrived , Nigel was in a deep coma . It took only a short time after that until the first homicide detective got there . But the truth is , it was fate . No ones fault . Except the murderer . After all , how can Nigel Slater 's ghost come into my dreams unless he is actually killed ? What happened next surprised me . The cops arrested me . Told me I was being held on suspicion of murder . I told them not to be idiots , but they wrote it in their notebooks and not their minds . By that point the clues would be getting stale , so I drove right to the company . But they wouldn 't let me in . it was a police investigation , they said . No dice . I called the FBI agent and asked him to run the full scan on Slater . By the time he had finished I would know every single family member . And all I had to do was interview them . The only clue left to me was Sigma . The company was closed for a few hours , but the managing director wasn 't . Again the FBI came to my rescue . They had the address , and I wasn 't afraid to use it . We walked up the garden path . It wasn 't the most luxurious house that a managing director had ever lived at . But I knocked on the door anyway . I walked in . Behold , the group was all there . The director of the FBI himself . The attorney general . And a four star general . I could feel the back of my assistant straightening up . The Managing Director pressed a button on the TV . It switched on . Nigel Slater 's office . I saw him pick up his glass . Put the chemicals in it . The MD fast forwarded . Nigel killed himself . " Oil . We got him to produce computer models . All the oil reserves . He was so great . . . well , he could produce a program that told us exactly where oil was , just from satellite images . " Just at that moment a dozen armed guards came into the room . Their guns were pointed right at me . I raised my hands , and was soon plunged into the carpet . They searched me . Didn 't find anything interesting . " Yeah . But I don 't think you did it . I don 't think you were that smart . But I don 't know what this being who calls himself Nigel Slater is , " I didn 't struggle . By now , them putting handcuffs on me was almost routine . I just wish I had been able to continue my life as a charlatan . I didn 't know what to say to that . it was true . it was obvious when you think about it . Nigel had told me he was murdered when he was still alive . but no one ever said the soul was bound to the arrow of time . Within a few minutes we had picked up an escort . From what I could tell , they had closed the road down . Only we were travelling that evening . I gulped . It looked like things were just about to head for the worse . The trip to the Whitehouse was the most fraught I had experienced in my life . The director of the FBI was reading faxes and emails in the car . His face was getting more and more pale . " I guess like the English did in WWII . With disinformation . We need to get an Chinese agent and feed him bad info . And I guess Nigel might be your best hope for that . " I guess the FBI director caught on quickly . Because he could go anywhere , Nigel could listen to the Chinese chatter . He could find Chinese agents . Maybe he didn 't know Chinese , but he knew enough to listen in to the English language conversations . It wasn 't a new concept . The CIA had investigated it in the sixties . But they didn 't have a real life ghost , so their experiments failed . This time we had a real ghost . I asked them to pick out the Ouija board again . The séance room was a sight you had never seen in your life . The president and the director of the FBI holding hands , in a dark room . The president of the united states shook his head . You could tell he couldn 't believe what he was seeing . He got up from his seat , and you could almost hear his bones cracking . Over in the corner of the room I could see a computer with satellite images . I could watch the Chinese fleet mobilising in real time . The number of dots that represented aircraft carriers alone was scary . " It will only be a few days before we have to mobilise our own navy . " The wait was excruciating . But suddenly five hours latter , the board started spelling out a name . The FBI director went to work . Within minutes they had the file out . He didn 't look like what you would expect of a Chinese agent . He had long , blonde hair , was dressed in a respectable suit , and had a respectable job . He worked in the old navy base . His job was to work on the files , reading sensitive military information . Including information about resource allocation . Once they checked his bank account the truth became obvious . The FBI director stood up , and paced down the long thin corridor . Then he arrived back in the meeting room with a young woman . She was dressed in military uniform . He explained the plan . It was simple . The Chinese agent needed to think it had all been a hoax . But for that to work , he would have to eat a pack of lies . I wasn 't there , so I can report only what I have been told . The female agent I had been introduced to worked in the old navy headquarters . She worked in the files there . It is a room full of top secret papers . Room might be the wrong word ; it was the size of an aircraft hanger . She worked there , and had spent months being bored . So naturally , she had struck up a conversation with the handsome blonde military attaché . And , the conversation was reciprocated . The director of the FBI looked at her . She didn 't look like much to put the freedom of the world onto . But she was eager . And after being told what to do , she didn 't complain . She saluted . I stood at the back of the room , watching the Director of the FBI feeling out the officer , and knew I would have to talk to Nigel alone . I didn 't trust her . She looked too good to be true with her starched uniform and willing smile . The new agent went into a staff car , to be driven to the headquarters . She looked very lonely in the back of the car . Meanwhile , we walked to the operations room . There was a banks of monitors the length of the room . We could see satellite images of the build up of the Chinese fleet , as well as real time updates of our spies . I nodded . Then looked back over to the screens . I could see our agent depositing the papers in her draw . She phoned up the Chinese agent , and set up dinner . It looked like a glorious feast . Roast duck , with all the trimmings . The doorbell went . She walked over to it , and opened it . She said something , and the Chinese agent walked into the room . After ten minutes of conversation , she walked away . To go to the toilet . He walked over to the draws , and started rummaging . After a few minutes he found the file our agent had left . He took out the smallest camera you have ever seen , and clicked the image . After that , he put the files away . After he left , the confirmation came thick and fast . The Chinese fleet disbanded . It was amazing to see , but they split up within a matter of hours . Soon the sea around Taiwan was empty except for commercial shipping . I guess that if this had been a story that would be it . I would have been given a party , a celebration , and been allowed to leave . After all , I had saved the day . Well , Nigel did leave . I haven 't heard from him since . After they had finished celebrating , a guard collected me , and drove me in a prison van to here . It is a cold concrete cell . I am allowed a TV , and to write carefully vetted letters . I 'm not sure how I will post this , my story . Maybe I will write it under the postage stamp . I guess for an old crook like me , it is fair . But I wish I had been sent to jail for something I did . And not for some trumped up terrorist charge . Currently we only offer payment for one story selected as the feature story in the monthly pdf magazine only . The successful author will be contacted to organise payment via paypal for a $ 5AUD payment . 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The ship swayed and creaked . He feels every bit of it in his body . Taking no chances the crew , damnedable pirates , have chained him with no give . Legs bound in a kneeling position , arms chained to either wall crucifying him to the ship like a perverse figurehead , he 's been their captive long enough to have forgotten the feel of kindness . It is a small blessing that their fear of him keeps his gag in place at all times . It keeps them from coming anywhere near him . The captain learned a long time ago that he gleans all he needs to live from the moisture in the air , the brine in his eyes . During storms , when he is strongest , the captain posts guards with him . They don 't look at him . A terrible hope fills him today . By the movement of the ship and the crew 's curses , he knows that they 're being pursued by another ship . This ship is a runner , fast . There 'd be little concern of capture if the ship did not gain its quickness from being light , gain its lightness from having little room for armaments or supplies . The pursuers have had them going for a week now and they 'd been out of port for at least a month . He knows from the panic in the crew that the food is all but gone . Soon they 'll be too weak to load what small guns are aboard . He 'd be surprised if they could remember how to sight the cannons it 's been so long since the captain has ordered them used . His hope stems from the pirates ' desperation . If they succumb to practicality then they 'll come for him . With frightened hearts and shaking hands , they 'll undo his chains and he 'll get to spend some time under the sky instead of under foot . So he waits for their desperation to bloom practicality . It does not take long . The first mate comes with three guards and the keys . It is always the first mate that comes to get him . The captain coming himself would make him a person that the captain fears , he wouldn 't last long once that got out among the crew . The first mate is the only one he trusts with the keys to his chains . " The captain wants to see you . " He speaks with a unique accent that comes with the ship 's pidgin of French , Spanish , and Greek . His ears hear the gibberish , but his mind provides him with the meaning . Slowly , they unchain his arms from the ship and secure them behind his back . The guards are afraid to touch him , unsure whether he 'll break or they 'll be infected with something . It strikes him as odd how religious some of these men are . Coming onto the deck , sea spray hits him in the face , covers his bare chest . He instantly feels more alive . He stands taller , muscles flex , the chains bite into his skin . They take him to the captain , standing at the aft of the ship . He stands beside the captain looking out at the wide ocean , the only thing marring their perfect view of the horizon the pursuers . The first mate and guards fold themselves into the three other men standing around them . The captain just stands there for a few minutes , ignoring him . This too is done to show the crew he will do this in his own time , to show that the man he keeps below decks does not frighten him . Around the gag , behind the locked mouth plate , he smiles . Only he and the captain know what he is , and he knows that the captain is frightened of that . " I have use of you . " From under his coat he draws out the key that only he is allowed to keep . He inserts into lock for the face plate . " If you hurt this ship my men will stab you and you will die before you can swim for freedom . Like always , yeah ? " He nods . It 's always the same threat . It vaguely occurs to him that this is only a half life . But then , the spirits would kill for half a life . The plate falls away and he spits the wooden wedge from his mouth . His tongue sticks out , tasting the salt in the air . He flexes his jaw , taking in the blue sky , the white clouds , the gentle waves . He smiles at the captain . Other than the crew 's swords there is very little compelling him . Finally , the captain 's annoyance at the delay shows on his face . He focuses on ship on the horizon . He tries not to think of the men on the ship . He knows he will have to answer for his actions one day , but he 's trying to postpone that day for as long as possible . " I 'm fine . Sorry . " The cabby 's eyes dart from the road to the rearview mirror and back . " I 'm good . I 'm okay . " The cabby 's eyes return to the road and stay there , Lawrence was prepared to keep reassuring him for the rest of the drive as long as he didn 't take his eyes off the road . " That jetlag 's a bitch , isn 't it ? " " Yeah , jetlag . " He doesn 't really feel like talking so he looks out the window . What he sees unsettles him so much that he almost closes his eyes again . Outside the cab desert stretched on for miles . When he 'd met the cabby at the airport he 'd been fine . They 'd been in the middle of a city . He preferred the buildings and people to the endless dry expanse . He tried to think of it as a sea of earth but it just made him queasy . He can 't help it , he closes his eyes . " We 're almost there , " the cabby rouses him . " If I 'd of known I wouldn 't have let you sleep at all . You wouldn 't believe how many people fall asleep in my cab from the airport . " The cabby keeps up a steady stream of chitchat for the next few minutes . Lawrence doesn 't say much , but he 's glad for the distraction . " Here we go , buddy . " He pulls up in front of an independent diner . Lawrence can tell the sign was made with care when it was painted , years in the desert sun has faded it badly . " They got good food here ? " " I don 't know . This is my first time here . " He pays the fare and steps out of the air - conditioned interior . His lips are immediately dry and cracked . The heat cuts him to the core as fast as it dried his lips , the urge to speak rises in him . He needs to escape this heat , he 's drowning in dryness . He rushes inside hoping that they 'll have air - conditioning . No such luck . The interior of the restaurant is as faded as the exterior . He seats himself , impatiently tapping his foot waiting for the waitress . He can hear the sound of the wind . Not the dry , lifeless wind of the desert , but the damp , alive wind of the storm . It 's calling to him , begging him to call out . He licks his lips with a tongue he can barely feel . He can 't help himself , the desert is antithesis for him . Why had he decided to come here ? To satisfy some adolescent curiosity ? He takes one long , shuttering breath . " The special , two of them , just bring me a pitcher of water . " His throat feels so dry . He has to speak now before he loses his chance . " Hmph ! " With blurry vision he watches her flounce back to the kitchen . He grabs the edge of the table to steady himself . He 's clenching his jaw by the time she comes back with a glass for him . He swallows half of it . The cool liquid fills him , calming him . Vision clears , hands stop shaking , the urge lessening . The torrent of wind in his ears shifts to a gentle breeze . How close had he come ? The waitress turns to leave again , he grabs her arm . " Can I get you anything else ? " She says it in such a way that makes Lawrence wonder if it 's actually a question . She tired of him he can tell . She 's too used to bullying the locals . He doesn 't trying to be nice to her , he just takes out a fifty and lays it on the table . " This is your tip if you keep bringing me pitchers of water . " Her eyes gleam slightly as she stares at the bill on the table . Slowly she puts the pitcher on the table . " Thank you . " He drains the rest of his glass and pours another . He finishes this one in three huge gulps . He doesn 't feel as trapped now , his breathing has evened out . He fills the glass a third time , finishing off the pitcher , but only sips this one . A couple minutes pass , the waitress brings his two specials and another pitcher . Lawrence only picks at his food . Between the desert and the age of the equipment in the diner the food is completely dry . Mainly he just cuts up the food and moves it around on his plate . Mainly he watches the people in the restaurant . He immediately discounts his waitress . Seeing her move around the diner , speaking with her , she 's spent most of her life trying to get away from this place . It 's a pity that she 'd never really feel like she belongs anywhere . An old man sits in another booth . He is weathered , his countenance telling the story of a life in the desert . Despite the heat of the day he 's drinking coffee . Lawrence would have considered him a likely candidate if his research didn 't tell him he is looking for someone younger . Besides the old man doesn 't look like he belongs here , only that he 's gotten used to living here . It 's an old style diner setup , so Lawrence can see the cook behind the half wall separating the kitchen from the dining area . Cook would be a wonderful job for who he 's looking for . The heat rising from the stove providing a fix for the cravings while at work . Though nothing compared to the natural heat of the desert it would do while at work . Unfortunately the cook is wearing a sleeveless shirt that 's plastered to his body with sweat . Lawrence 's heart falls . He 's not close enough to the cook to pick up a flow from him , but the fact that he 's sweating tells him all he needs to know . It 's possible his sources were wrong . It 's not easy to track a Bearer . The burden / gift they bear making it too hard to get a fix on them . He 's about to get up , throwing the contents of his glass down his throat , when the kitchen door swings open and a young man steps through . Lawrence puts his cup down and watches him . Something in the way he moves is different . Somehow his movements come off as light , almost bouncy . Even just clearing dishes from tables , his movements are quick , precise . He wears a t - shirt , jeans , and boots , all are cheap , but he still has an air of status . Lawrence notes that he 's not sweating . He looks up , checking for more stray dishes . Lawrence motions him over . " You finished with this , mister ? " Lawrence inhales and catches the scent of aged stone . " Sorry , mister , I 'm just here for the dishes . You 'll want to try Craiper St . around ten tonight . " He grabs a plate , Lawrence grabs his wrist . Sun … Heat … Dry … Sand … Lawrence pulls his hand away , palm red . Perspiration stands out on the young man 's brow now , fear in his eyes . He slides into the booth across from Lawrence . Lawrence pours another glass of water and waits for the boy to say something . " I 'm on break ! " She throws up her hands and goes back into the kitchen . Tito smiles at Lawrence . " Let 's go outside . " Lawrence downs his water and follows him out and around the diner . " I 'm Benjamin Fuller , but everyone calls me , Tito . Now who the hell are you ? " It 's a fair question . If he doesn 't know what he is then he 's probably really freaked out . Lawrence can 't blame him , he 's been there . " Ha , not likely , man . " Tito looks skeptical , very skeptical . There 's at least fifteen years between them . And while Tito isn 't a full blooded Mexican , Lawrence can tell at least one of his parents is , while Lawrence couldn 't be more white without being an albino . It 's hard to believe . " I don 't mean biologically . I mean spiritually . " Tito 's face is instantly serious . " You can feel it , can 't you ? That subtle , tickling at the back of your brain that makes you feel like you know me , even while at your core I unsettle you . " " Yes . " Tito looks so relieved that it breaks Lawrence 's heart . He knows what it 's like to finally have this explained . Lawrence had spent three years in a mental hospital trying to deal by himself . Tito is a strong young man . " Where is there open desert ? " Tito points down an alley . Lawrence starts walking , Tito doesn 't need to be told to follow , he falls into step next to Lawrence careful not to touch him . They come out the other end of the alley seeing open land . For Lawrence it 's as close to nothing as he ever wants to get . Longing fills Tito 's eyes . " I want to share something with you . Watch out there . " Lawrence takes a deep breath and centers himself . The urge to speak has been growing since they stepped out of the diner , the dryness creeping in to all his dark places . Tito 's hands fly up to cover his ears . " Ah ! What the hell ? " FLASH ! BOOM ! The thunder cuts off any further curses . Tito 's gaze is drawn out to the desert , where black storm clouds have formed out of nowhere . The fear is back in his eyes , he retreats till his back hits the wall to the building . " What have you done ? " " I spoke my Word . We 're Word Bearers , Tito . You have your own . Can you feel it ? Deep in core . " Lawrence can see he 's confused . He 's frightened , overwhelmed . FLASHBOOM ! " You can stop this , Tito . Go ahead . Say your Word . I want to hear it . " " I don 't … I 'm not sure . " Confusion and fear war on Tito 's face . Lawrence hopes he won 't run . He didn 't mean to scare the boy . " Of course you 're sure . You 've known it for centuries , you just haven 't spoken it yet . It 's okay . I 'm here with you . " His first step is hesitant , his second is firm , his third is confident . Lawrence realizes he 's holding his breath . Tito looks up at him , he nods . Tito fixes his gaze on the storm . " " There it is . It 's as quiet as Lawrence 's Word is loud , but no less powerful . It 's so beautiful . As Lawrence watches the storm clouds dissipate a tear rolls down his cheek . 2 Dad suffered even from a sight of blood , and he never killed a hen nor slaughtered a pig . But I was aware that once he had donated his blood in the name of my Mum still , because she 'd had a narrow escape on an operating table then . With me a doctor would have my blood tested in a moment : one , two and it 's done . But first they make you ready for rather a time : take a seat , then have a proper finger chosen , though it is always just the one , then they wipe it with spirits until take somewhat sharp like a mini - scalpel . Not everyone can stand the procedure , but I was not against it when a doctor suggested me having my blood tested . She was a likable one , youngish for her age , not married or divorced , probably . And she had no child , I felt it immediately , she had such a look , barren if you want . Possibly for health reasons she could not bear a child or she didn 't find a right man . Or she could have a particular blood group not to have a child with anyone , that 's why she employed at a doctor 's consulting room to make blood tests . And she urged me to have my blood tested . At first I didn 't mind it , the right thing it is , still she didn 't ask my permission . " Just let 's have your blood tested " , she said and left me . She had many things to do I suppose . In doctor 's smocks they walked hither and thither all the time at a clinic there talking over the heads of those waiting , as if one was dead already . And I was still alive and a nurse was preparing to have my blood tested . While she got me ready she was chattering . She said that men were afraid of blood testing nowadays . More and more they refused to do it and ran away sometimes seeing a drop of blood . And one had nothing to fear , there was a couch behind the curtain in a special emergency to lie low , in case one fainted . She pulled the white curtain aside and showed me a couch with dark green leatherette and I shivered all at once : what for they needed my blood ? She suggested me taking off a jacket and rolling up my sleeve , left or right one , I don 't rMy Bio : Mr . Valery Petrovskiy is a journalist and short story writer from Russia . Не is an English Department graduate at Chuvash State University , Cheboksary , graduated in journalism at VKSch Higher School , Moscow and in psychology at Kazan State Technology University . He has been writing prose since 2005 . Some of his writing has been published in The Scrambler , Rusty Typer , BRICKrethoric , NAP Magazine , Literary Burlesque , The Other Room , Curbside Quotidian , DANSE MACABRE , WidowMoon Press , PRIME MINCER , Apocrypha and Abstractions , The Legendary in the USA , and in Australian " Skive " and " Going Down Swinging " magazines . At the moment he is writer - in - residence at Marco Polo Art Mag . It 's dark in here . That 's because I live at the bottom of the jewellery box along with the other outcasts : the tangled necklace with the broken lobster claw and teddy pendant she got for her eleventh birthday , along with the bracelet that 's missing a couple of gem stones . She always says she will have them repaired but never does , preferring to spend the money on more fashionable pieces instead that imitate Asian and Oriental designs . An untrained eye might imagine that they were found by a back - packer on their travels , but they weren 't . They can be bought from any shop on the high - street , and are merely echoes of worlds she 's never seen . Not all of us down here are broken though . I 'm not , and neither is the engagement ring she got from Mark , ( who eventually cheated on her with Shannon from Reception , ) or the belly bar she took out when she put weight on and decided looked too young for her anyway . The ones at the top who get worn more often pity us , ( ' how boring it must be , ' they say to each other in whispers they think we can 't hear , ' being cooped up down there , month in , month out , ' ) but in a way they 're jealous . As I 've said , you could buy them in their hundreds if you wanted to , and they are without sentimental value like the childhood necklace or the belly bar that reminds her of her wild teens and early twenties . They 're easily replaced and she gives them away when they become outdated - or chucks them if even her younger sister and the charity shops say no , thanks . She doesn 't like Mark 's ring or me , so it isn 't often that her fingers dig through the chunky bangles and strings of beads to bring me to the surface . It happens maybe three or four times a year when she has arranged to visit The Matriarch . The ring doesn 't even get a look in . Why Mark wouldn 't let her give it back to him so that he could give it to someone he did love is beyond us ; at least that way it would have been enjoyed . All the same , seeing as I 'm an heirloom and the ring is eighteen carat white goPerhaps you imagine I get bitter when the voices of the favoured ones float above my head , chattering away about their ventures out of the box : days at work , dinners , dates , parties and who was there , who wasn 't there , what she wore … you get the drift . Or worse , maybe you feel sorry for me . I 'd rather you didn 't . Pity the rest but not me . I 'm not so keen on their weight pressing down on me but I don 't mind the dark . In fact I quite like it . It reminds me of home , my real one , from before I met people . As for being bitter , you can rule that out . I 'm a pearl , darling ; it 's not in my nature . You lot have seen me as a symbol of love for thousands of years and I do try to live up to my name by being kind - although I cannot help but wince sometimes at the irony , given that the first person I ever met died . Don 't look at me like that ; it wasn 't my fault . But that 's why she doesn 't like me . All the same , when you 've being kept in a family for over a century you do take an interest in your present owner , even if it 's not reciprocated , so I enjoy listening to the young ones ' gossip . Let them have their fun while they still can . The best they can hope for is a place in a child 's dressing - up box in just a few , short years so they might as well enjoy it . 2 . Memories . I might be old - fashioned and be from a past that she and you would rather forget , but I 'm not like your kind . I will endure and outlive the others , her - even you . And I never forget . My memory doesn 't grow weak with age , it gets stronger . I can still smell what my home was like ; still feel the movements of the person who found me when he panicked and rushed too quickly to the top , and the urgent , grasping hand of the first , but different person to ever touch me , as though I 'd only stopped smelling and feeling them a minute ago . The memories of my owners and the events in their lives play like the films you are so fond of ; the moment when her grandfather proposed to her grandmother , and the christening of her mother , they are a3 . Before she grew up . I suppose you think it strange that her grandmother , ( or The Matriarch as she jokingly calls her , ) skipped a generation and gave me to someone who doesn 't like me , but it never used to be this way . When she was little and used to visit her grandmother she would ask , ( very politely after giving her a peck on the cheek , ) if she could play with her jewellery box . The answer was always yes , and she would very carefully hunt through the diamonds and gold to find me , pin me to her jumper and wear me for the rest of the time she was there . It became something of a ritual , to the point where her grandmother began to pick me out herself and would put me on the coffee table ready for when she arrived . When she was eighteen , The Matriarch had a heart attack , and fearing that she would never leave hospital , insisted on the girl 's mother driving for two hours to get me , so that she could give me to her personally before it was too late . They were very close , and still are in spite of the distance , for she survived against all the odds . Whenever she goes to see her she always comments on how lovely it is , seeing her granddaughter all grown up , wearing her old brooch that 's always been her favourite . And I was for a time . Traditionally I was only worn for a special or significant occasion , but when she was at college I had the strange but enjoyable experience of being put in her pocket and going with her , and if she felt nervous about something her fingers would slide down to stroke me . Normally I hated people manhandling me , but I didn 't mind in her case - it was better than her biting her nails . It was almost as if she thought that having me with her would stop something bad happening - and I have been viewed as ' lucky . ' Stop sniggering , it 's true . In the days of knights and sword - fighting , we would be worn when the rich and noble went into battle because they thought we would protect them from harm , so don 't laugh at her . It felt good , being wanted , and I have to confess I came in danger You don 't like being reminded of your past - those days of glory when Britain ruled half the world . I think that 's why you apologise so much , and give more than you can afford to charities trying to save the poor and starving around the globe . It 's almost as though you 're trying to make up for all the wrongs done before you were born . And I 've tried to avoid talking about it in case you ran away - I get lonely sometimes and it 's nice having someone to talk to . But you can 't run forever , things have to be faced eventually . Some of you may already know and may already be trying to shut out the sound of my words by turning your thoughts to the plans you 've made for the weekend , but there 'll be a lot of you who don 't . There are lots of happy anecdotes from my owners ' lives I could have told you but this is the one you need to hear : My story . We are not like your kind , but there is one thing we have in common : just as you can 't remember coming out of the womb , we don 't know what it was like being a grain of sand or piece of shell squeezing our way inside an oyster and hardening ; all I remember is being . There were no thoughts , for when you live inside a shell there isn 't a great deal to think about - nothing happens . That probably sounds dull to you but there was no sadness , no pain or death . It was peaceful , just being . I didn 't know this at the time but even nothing has to come to an end eventually : the day would always have come when I would be found . It will be hard for you to understand what it was like being taken out of water , hearing sounds , seeing colours and light - all for the first time . On paper it sounds great , this explosion of life , but the reality was frightening - and even fear was something I had never heard of or felt before . Maybe that 's why your newborns usually cry when they come out , because they 're scared and want to go back . I 'm trying to think of ways to describe how it was to you , and the only way I can think of is for you to imagine an ancient Egyptian being placed in the middle of a supermarket . That might give you a better idea , but even that doesn 't come close . I 've learnt a lot since then - ( I 've had to , I didn 't have any other choice - ) but there 's one thing I 've never been able to get my head around , and that is time . Your lives are ruled by clocks and diaries telling you when deadlines or birthdays are due , but when you have so much time whole years , even decades can pass you by . Forgive me then , if I am a little hazy on dates . What I can tell you is that I was brought to the surface in the late 1800s , which makes me special . There aren 't many of us that come from nature now . Most are made by man in bulk on farms . Things changed . You suddenly became concerned about human life and diving equipment got better . Both meant that the world 's poor no were no longer forced to hold their breaths for comments » I knew that someone important was going to walk into my life at 12 : 15 , just after I normally drink tea and prepare for an slow day working on the horoscope . Now , maybe you might not believe me . After all , I am a professional charlatan . But I knew something was up , because for the last two weeks every prediction I have made actually worked out . It started when I saw Mrs Henderson . She was a fat woman , an unpleasant woman , a great client . Like most people who wanted a reading , she didn 't want the truth . And normally I didn 't give it to her . I pulled out the equipment . It was a plain set . It looked like bone china , but was made in china for a very low price . Mrs Henderson looked impressed anyway . She had a lot of money , and not a lot of sense . Anyway , I started reading the information contained in the tea leafs . And then the world went blank . When I returned to the world , Mrs Henderson was gone . I walked out of the shop I had rented , and another of the shopkeepers came up to me . He was normally an quiet , amicable chap . This time he looked like he wanted to throttle me . " She came out of here . Howling and crying , like you 'd tried to kill her . " he put his face up to mine , " You ever do it again and I 'll . . " " I don 't know what you 're talking about , " and I backed away from him . He stalked off . I walked back to my shop , ready to wait for my next appointment . Mrs Abbot didn 't come . She left a nervous message on my answer phone . At the time I didn 't realise why . Because I had no other clients for the day , I went home . My mouth opened wide . It was such a shock , it seemed like I 'd just been told I was about to die . And then . Then I was in my bed , looking at the ceiling . The police officers had gone . But it felt more real than a dream . It must have been a dream . Yeah , that was what it was , I convinced myself . Although I should have known better . In Ireland you can make a full time living as a psychic . less so in England . The English wouldn 't even pay you if you could predict the lottery . So I also work as a pitchman . Which , if you think about it , is just another way to make a dishonest buck . I walked to the nearest boot sale , and set up . It isn 't too crowded in the morning . And everyone is busy . So I crawl in through the hedge . They don 't know that I 'm there against the rules . I set up . My table is old fashioned . A suitcase with legs you fold out . Like the true pitchmen of the 50 's . My pitch is the worm . They wiggle around my hand , like they are alive . The fools in the crowd gave me money . That is what they are for . She had the longest blondest hair this side of fairyland , and her smile lights up the room like a flashlight . And I knew I am meant to talk to her . Just now . She walked off . I had the sense she is in trouble . She was poorer than she used to be , her clothes were expensive , but last years fashion . I had a feeling I will meet her again . When I got there , there was Mrs Henderson and her husband . Their eyes were red . They had been crying . I couldn 't understand what they were there for . I managed to get them to leave . At first I thought that the gossip would help me . But the truth is , no one wants to go to a psychic that tells them the truth . Life is hard enough . You go to a psychic to hear lies . I made some money as a pitchman , so it didn 't affect me too much . But I kept on having bad dreams . I kept on seeing people I knew in them . Not just that , I saw how they died . Their pain . And I started to write down what I saw . In a book by my bedside cabinet . The extra time I had meant I was drinking more too . It was like I 'd been cursed . But the worst was the Christians . They decided that these dreams were inspired by Satan . They set up the picket line in front of my office . I started to think I should simply leave . On Wednesday , the cleaner came in . She was a nosy parker . And no mistake . Her husband had died a few years back , and she was interested in everything . While it 's not the way she put it , she was very interested in the diary . All the details of the different murders and deaths I 'd seen . All the factual details that no one else other than the murderer could know . She took it to the police , and they read it , and they got their warrant . I arrived back at the normal time , and nothing was different . The book was there . I didn 't notice the surveillance cameras . Not at all . They broke in that night . It wasn 't a dream . And I looked up to them bleary eyed , a gun pointing in my face , and swore . They dragged me towards the back of the car , and I noticed someone had decided to give the press warning . So it was very public . Once in , they took me right there . And kitted me out in fetching jail clothing , since I was still in pyjamas . This was the first time I was in jail , and I can tell you it is not as bad as some people say . There is an odd vinegar smell , hiding other bodily fluids . And it is never quiet . There is always shouting going on , and doors slammed . But it was no worse than some hotels I 've been in while performing . I looked across at my lawyer . Short , thin , balding and bored . The police officer had my diary in front of him . He picked it up . " In it , you 've got the details of dozens of murders . Information the police hasn 't released to the public . Information . . . dare I say it , in some cases that the police didn 't even know themselves . " And that was it . That was the full content of the interview . I was hustled off into the cell , and ended up waiting for days . In telephone conversations with friends , I knew the police were digging up my life . I was given a notebook , and a pen , and I continued to write down my dreams . I thought I might as well . The police would search my cell every now and again , and confiscate them . They even moved me to solitary . Made sure no one could be feeding me this information . Or , presumably , that I wasn 't ordering the killings . But the dreams continued . They were getting worse and worse . Every morning I woke up feeling like I had not slept . I guess at least things looked up , because they took me from prison . They drove me along country lanes , towards a building . I can 't tell you precisely where it was . It just looked like an old school to be honest . You 'd never have guessed it was an intelligence headquarters . They bundled me out into an empty building . You 've heard of the secret prisons . Well , they are true . They dressed me up in a uniform , tagged my ankle , and locked me in a cage . The only thing they gave me was some paper and a pen to write down my dreams . Sometimes people came to research me . They put me in scanners , and gave me all kinds of medical tests . The results were unsurprising . I was just a normal , healthy individual . And that was how it seemed I was destined to live for the rest of my life . Until I started to hear the voices . They were low . Just like someone was talking in the next room . Distant . And I couldn 't make them out . That night I was tossing and turning , and I heard someone shout out my name . I woke up . No one was there . Then I tried to get asleep again , and managed it . But the voice was insistent . Nothing answered me . The guards walked past my cell . But with the dreams and the voices , I was getting no sleep . It started to affect me so badly I would not even eat food . Within a few days I was exhausted . Mentally and physically drained . And I guess that is what the creatures wanted . Because soon they broke through . It 's hard to tell you how it felt . But if you have ever had a moment of shock , when you suddenly feel like you aren 't there , you 'll know . He said his name . And then the voice faded away . But I knew I had to do precisely what he told me . I 'd go mad otherwise . Maybe I was already mad . The opportunity came sooner than I expected . My handlers were getting anxious . I was producing less predictions than normal , and the federal conviction rate was plummeting through the floor . The handlers looked like model citizens . Dark suits , a man and a woman dressed formally , like they were lawyers . They flashed their badge to me . I don 't know why , the fact I was in a prison gave them away . The police officer fell back . You could see him working it through in his mind . Despite the success of my predictions , he settled on the conclusion I was mad . After all , psychic phenomena were impossible . He 'd read that once . I shook my head . But that night , I was thinking about it , and decided that I had to ask . Had to have a conversation , if only for my sanity . When the voices started up , I leaned forward in my bed . I asked the question again . But he would say nothing of use to me . he would only repeatedly ask me to find his killers . Not very useful . Eventually , I managed to coax his name from him . Nigel . Not a very good name for a joke . That was the strange thing . No murder victims of that name came up . Not any time soon . But a week later , a Nigel disappeared . And I realised the truth . I looked through the court reports . He had been killed by stabbing . They wouldn 't let me out of the jail . So all I could do was read the files they brought on him . And I got the feeling that many of the details had been redacted . it was like looking for a haystack in an elephant : messy and not very satisfactory . There were only two people I decided who could have done it . They both had a great deal to gain . At the end of the day , though , there is a limit to what you can do from inside a jail cell . The guards looked sceptically at me when I asked for it . But I was responsible for half the murder arrests in the district for the last six months . So they eventually gave me what I wanted . Especially when I refused to furnish them with any more information . I don 't know if you have ever been to a proper séance . Well , to be honest , most of the time the knocks are from the medium . But this time it was different . Within moments of the séance starting , I was aware that the room was colder . Then the entire board lifted off the table , and flew towards me . It hit the wall a few inches from my face . The room warmed up again . The presence was gone . For a little while . " I didn 't " I replied . I knew that he didn 't believe me . But he would have to show more senior people . And I knew they couldn 't afford to risk me . I went back to bed . For the first time in weeks , I had no bad dreams . I guess Nigel knew I understood his message . I slept very soundly . Until the next morning . But my guards didn 't really understand . Or they did not want to understand . My handler met me in the interview room the next morning . He looked tired . Besides him sat a man I hadn 't seen before . He wore the cleanest , most expensive suit I had seen during my stay at the states pleasure . The man stood up . He walked out of the room . Measured , and without menace . But he didn 't seem to be a man used to dealing with no . My handler shook his head . He didn 't need to tell me the consequences . All of a sudden , I was put on suicide watch . Woken up every thirty minutes to see if I wasn 't dead yet . The heating in my cell surprisingly broke . I knew I was in their hands totally . But I never realised what it was like to displease them . You see , Nigel might be a ghost , but that doesn 't mean he is stupid . He can see what is happening . He knows they are stopping me doing what he wants . And this gets him angry . They first times he acted , it looked like coincidence . The guards chair would tilt under him , depositing him on the floor . Or cups of coffee were not placed firmly enough on the table . The guards were spooked by me . They knew that I was able to see things they could not . But although the guards face became pale , his hand on the trigger was steady and firm . It was too late . The chair slammed into the guard . He dropped to the floor . Then I saw the guards keys float from his pocket . My cell door was unlocked . I walked over to the guard , stripped his clothes off , and changed into his uniform . I thought I didn 't have much of a choice . If I didn 't do what Nigel wanted he would kill me . Every door I came to slid open without me doing anything . It would have been creepy if I didn 't know what was happening . Soon the alarms started to ring out . People would be grabbing their guns , getting ready to shoot me . I could feel my heart trying to escape from my chest . I soon arrived at fire exit . It opened in front of me . I climbed down some steps . Below me , I could see coppers swarming . I continued to walk down . One of the coppers recognised me . I ran in the opposite direction . He took aim , and I could hear the gun explode behind me . But the bullet didn 't pierce my skin like I expected . Instead , it ended in the ground . I reached a police car , and the engine came on without anyone doing anything . Then I went into a store and bought black trousers and a white shirt . Got changed . And walked out of the shopping centre , expecting to be caught at any time . In my pocket there was five hundred dollars . That was all I had in the world , except for an insane ghost . I decided it was time to go to the library . After chatting to the librarian for a few seconds , she walked me over to a computer which had copies of the local papers for the last twenty years . I typed a search . At first I found nothing , but as I expanded the search back I found him . According to the interview , he was found murdered in his bed . He had been asleep . His wife had been charged and convicted of his murder . But she said she was innocent . Nothing came in response . I knew that would happen . It was too much to hope for . It was getting late at night . The librarian was fussing near me . It was time to go . When you are a fugitive , it isn 't as simple to find a place to stay as booking a room in a hotel . I walked round , looking for an empty house . It took me an hour . Occasionally a police car would go past . It made me nervous . At one time it would have been a posh bungalow . But whoever had owned it had been taken to a care home , and it was covered in weeds and neglect . I walked up to the door , and it swings open . That is one of the advantages of your own private poltergeist . Inside it was a mess . But dry and water proof . There was a wood burning stove in one room . The power was off , and Nigel didn 't turn it on . But the water was only off at the mains . It was easy enough to get it working again . In the morning I would have to start the process of searching for Nigel Slater . I knew roughly where he lived . I fell asleep , and woke up hungry and cramped . Outside , I could hear rustling . I peeked through the window , and could see a man dressed only in black . He looked like he was not very friendly . I ducked down , but he must have seen me . He edged towards the door . It was locked , but he slammed it open . I hid behind the sofa . it didn 't help . He walked towards me . I noticed he had a poker in his hand . There was no way he wouldn 't find me . I stood up . I looked over at him . He had a long scar down his face . it seemed like he was used to trouble . And he was straining to start a fight . I did what he said . He followed me . I thought he might hit me at any second . or recognise me . They must have put my picture out into the news by now . I sighed with relief , but knew that my location might be passed onto the police . I decided it was time to get out of the town . I caught a bus , and tried to hide my face . Since I hadn 't had a bath for a few days it was easier than you might think . People did not want to look me in the eyes . I arrived at Nigel 's house six hours latter . It was a solemn house . A plane front garden laid to grass , brick frontage , and white windows . It didn 't look like anyone had ever cared for it . It looked like it was a place to sleep and not to stay . It took me a few minutes to settle down , and watch the street . There was nothing extraordinary about it . A few people walked past , taking little interest in the stranger . After watching for half an hour , I knew there was little information here for me . Talking round the local shops I found out that Nigel had been a quiet man . Few people knew him , past his saying hello . he didn 't seem to have been involved in anything wrong . or indeed in anything at all . I decided that there could only really have been one source of trouble . He must have found out something at work . Something that made him worth more to someone dead than alive . I got some annual reports from his company and studied them . Amazing what is available on the internet these days . There was little of interest . I applied to work at Nigel 's company as a cleaner . it was a big risk . I supplied false references , and knew they would not check them for months . That 's the thing about cleaners . No one takes any notice . So I got the job , and examined the work place thoroughly . It looked like an office . The computers were always on . Once or twice I looked over the shoulder of someone working but it was all gobbledygook to me . To make it worse , I saw my face on the newspaper when I went for food . Sure , I looked a lot different now . I had grown longer hair , a beard , and was thinner . But it was still me . I grew suspicious of other people . Then came my big break . Several people were working in the office late . I overhead them speaking about a billion dollar deal . The company was getting bought out . I checked the internet , and there was something in the trade section . The routine was the same every day . But one of my colleagues had not turned up to work . So I was asked to clean the main office . I did so . But I did more than that , I broke into the file cabinets , and started reading company secrets . But that didn 't save me for long . The next day I arrived at work a few minutes earlier . Something told me that things were wrong . The security guard on the gate was new . He told me to go out to the bosses office . I walked into a small lab , and looked around . There was a window , and I tried to open it . In the distance I could see five police cars . The window wouldn 't open . There was only one way out . And I knew that by now , there would be police officers between me and the door . I looked round to find a chair . Then used it to break the window . The alarm went , and I slid through the empty hole . But I caught my shoulder on a shard of glass . I was bleeding . The police gave up their pretence . Dozens of sirens started up , heading towards the building . I ran through a green space . I knew that there was only one way out of the compound except the front gate . A hole in the fence I had noticed a few days earlier . But over head their was a helicopter . Although I ran like the wind , it wasn 't enough . I could hear the police men getting closer and closer . I turned around and saw two police officers . They both had guns pointed at me . I raised my hands , and they soon had me on the ground . I arrived at my destination a few hours latter . This time they were taking no chances . I arrived at a super maximum prison . Surrounded by barbed wire , dogs , and armed police officers it was obvious I 'd never get out . The next day the interrogation began . Again and Again . Asking me where I had gone . What I had done . I eventually broke down and told them everything . But that didn 't stop them continuing . Maybe what they were doing was no crime . But it was a form of torture . Eventually , the interrogations stopped . They gave me paper . They wanted to go back to how it used to be . But by that time I had got so angry , even when I did have a dream I kept it to myself . I wasn 't there . So all I can do is repeat the report that was made to me . No guarantee it is what happened . Apparently the director of the FBI had been having an extramarital affair . He was in bed that normal , and engaging in exercise at the same time . This was not expected , but what was even more unexpected was the windows opening wide . And the explosions of a gun . The director of the FBI 's gun . But I do know that it made the national news . The assistant director of the FBI resigned . And , to be frank , most of the people in the FBI did not care much about that . But it was fair warning . He didn 't seem to be exactly happy about what had happened . In fact , he stormed in to the visiting room , and let loose a barrage of swear words . I sat there passively , listening to him . When he calmed down sufficiently , he sat down . " Nigel was right . All he wants is his murderer found . But he isn 't going to stop . Not until that is done . Not even if he has to kill someone else to do it . " " No . I am not . Nigel is a threat to you . If you stand in the way , that is . He is a ghost . What can you do to get rid of him ? " The director of the FBI thought for a few seconds . An hour latter , a priest turned up with bell , book and candle . it didn 't work spectacularly . The power went off , the candle blew out , the bell rang , and the book was thrown across the room . The director gestured to the mirror and two toughs walked in . They carried some rope . They tied me to the chair , and lifted a cosh over their heads . Then all hell broke lose . The cosh swung back by itself . it raised into the air , and came down , laying out one of the thugs . The other caught me a glancing blow , but something unseen lifted him from the floor and threw him against the wall . " You have a choice . Director . Help find Nigel 's killer . Or , I think , Nigel will chase you down and gut you like a fish . " Eventually the Director settled down again . He sat in his chair , silently looking at me . I wasn 't a pretty picture . Thin , and in prison coveralls . I must have looked like a real criminal . They let me go that afternoon . Put me in a suit , and told me I was seconded to the FBI . I was even given my own agent . He was tall , thin , and looked every inch the government man . The agent shook his head . He gave nothing away . That was when I knew he wasn 't sent to help me . Just to keep an eye out on me . Nevertheless , I decided that I could use him . Like he wanted to use me . I looked over to him , and told him to get a warrant . We were going to search Nigel 's company . And read every damn bit of paper they had about Sigma . When we arrived at the door , they had their lawyer sorted out already . Someone must have leaked it . He looked like he had cost a lot of money . " I 'm afraid we have the right not to incriminate ourselves . We are asserting that right . Both as a company , and as individuals . So , no , you can ask any questions but we will not answer them . " I was surprised when I found the clue . It was something no one else would have noticed . A single envelope in the bin . It contained an address . I think Nigel must have been helping me . I was drawn to it . But the thing I noticed was the fact the address had a Sigma stamp . Once we were out of the building , I decided to break away from the FBI agent . I knew some things would work better on my own . it was easier said than done . When I tried to go for a walk that night , he insisted on staying right by me . Getting to the address was difficult . I didn 't have a car , I had to take the bus . Most of the journey there wasn 't even that . And it had began to rain . I must have looked odd , walking around town that late at night , soaked . In fact , I surprised no copper stopped me . " Good enough , " I said . Knowing I was lying as I said it . It wasn 't like it was my strong point . The expression on the coppers face showed he thought not either . He stood there behind me his mouth opened , as I shimmied the lock . it opened . I walked in . This was a mistake , I didn 't notice the small CCTV camera , the camera that was hidden in a plug socket . But it was sending my picture right up to the security office . I worked quickly , going up the stairs to the office . I don 't know what I had expected to see . But what I did see looked just like any other office . Even down to the half drunk cup of coffee . I woke up in the boot of a car . I could feel the engine running , and smell burning petrol . It was pick black . The car started off , bumping along the ground . Hitting me from side to side . My hands were tied behind my back . It was lucky I knew a little magic . I got the knot loose without much effort . Then I grovelled around the car to find something , anything that could help me . There was a wrench , which I picked up . I put the rope around my wrists , hiding the fact I was loose . And put the wrench in my pocket . The boot of the car swung open . One of the security guards lifted me out of the boot . He was covered in muscle . My mouth opened wide . That was the last thing I expected to hear . They marched me along the ground and I saw him for the first time . Nigel . Alive . Then the room went strange . Something turned the lights off , and opened the windows . It even raised a chair off the ground . The security guard looked worried for the first time . " For the last month , I have been searching for the person who killed Nigel Slater . You , sir , are Nigel Slater . But it seems your ghost hasn 't got the information you are alive . " But it didn 't work . By the time that the ambulance arrived , Nigel was in a deep coma . It took only a short time after that until the first homicide detective got there . But the truth is , it was fate . No ones fault . Except the murderer . After all , how can Nigel Slater 's ghost come into my dreams unless he is actually killed ? What happened next surprised me . The cops arrested me . Told me I was being held on suspicion of murder . I told them not to be idiots , but they wrote it in their notebooks and not their minds . By that point the clues would be getting stale , so I drove right to the company . But they wouldn 't let me in . it was a police investigation , they said . No dice . I called the FBI agent and asked him to run the full scan on Slater . By the time he had finished I would know every single family member . And all I had to do was interview them . The only clue left to me was Sigma . The company was closed for a few hours , but the managing director wasn 't . Again the FBI came to my rescue . They had the address , and I wasn 't afraid to use it . We walked up the garden path . It wasn 't the most luxurious house that a managing director had ever lived at . But I knocked on the door anyway . I walked in . Behold , the group was all there . The director of the FBI himself . The attorney general . And a four star general . I could feel the back of my assistant straightening up . The Managing Director pressed a button on the TV . It switched on . Nigel Slater 's office . I saw him pick up his glass . Put the chemicals in it . The MD fast forwarded . Nigel killed himself . " Oil . We got him to produce computer models . All the oil reserves . He was so great . . . well , he could produce a program that told us exactly where oil was , just from satellite images . " Just at that moment a dozen armed guards came into the room . Their guns were pointed right at me . I raised my hands , and was soon plunged into the carpet . They searched me . Didn 't find anything interesting . " Yeah . But I don 't think you did it . I don 't think you were that smart . But I don 't know what this being who calls himself Nigel Slater is , " I didn 't struggle . By now , them putting handcuffs on me was almost routine . I just wish I had been able to continue my life as a charlatan . I didn 't know what to say to that . it was true . it was obvious when you think about it . Nigel had told me he was murdered when he was still alive . but no one ever said the soul was bound to the arrow of time . Within a few minutes we had picked up an escort . From what I could tell , they had closed the road down . Only we were travelling that evening . I gulped . It looked like things were just about to head for the worse . The trip to the Whitehouse was the most fraught I had experienced in my life . The director of the FBI was reading faxes and emails in the car . His face was getting more and more pale . " I guess like the English did in WWII . With disinformation . We need to get an Chinese agent and feed him bad info . And I guess Nigel might be your best hope for that . " I guess the FBI director caught on quickly . Because he could go anywhere , Nigel could listen to the Chinese chatter . He could find Chinese agents . Maybe he didn 't know Chinese , but he knew enough to listen in to the English language conversations . It wasn 't a new concept . The CIA had investigated it in the sixties . But they didn 't have a real life ghost , so their experiments failed . This time we had a real ghost . I asked them to pick out the Ouija board again . The séance room was a sight you had never seen in your life . The president and the director of the FBI holding hands , in a dark room . The president of the united states shook his head . You could tell he couldn 't believe what he was seeing . He got up from his seat , and you could almost hear his bones cracking . Over in the corner of the room I could see a computer with satellite images . I could watch the Chinese fleet mobilising in real time . The number of dots that represented aircraft carriers alone was scary . " It will only be a few days before we have to mobilise our own navy . " The wait was excruciating . But suddenly five hours latter , the board started spelling out a name . The FBI director went to work . Within minutes they had the file out . He didn 't look like what you would expect of a Chinese agent . He had long , blonde hair , was dressed in a respectable suit , and had a respectable job . He worked in the old navy base . His job was to work on the files , reading sensitive military information . Including information about resource allocation . Once they checked his bank account the truth became obvious . The FBI director stood up , and paced down the long thin corridor . Then he arrived back in the meeting room with a young woman . She was dressed in military uniform . He explained the plan . It was simple . The Chinese agent needed to think it had all been a hoax . But for that to work , he would have to eat a pack of lies . I wasn 't there , so I can report only what I have been told . The female agent I had been introduced to worked in the old navy headquarters . She worked in the files there . It is a room full of top secret papers . Room might be the wrong word ; it was the size of an aircraft hanger . She worked there , and had spent months being bored . So naturally , she had struck up a conversation with the handsome blonde military attaché . And , the conversation was reciprocated . The director of the FBI looked at her . She didn 't look like much to put the freedom of the world onto . But she was eager . And after being told what to do , she didn 't complain . She saluted . I stood at the back of the room , watching the Director of the FBI feeling out the officer , and knew I would have to talk to Nigel alone . I didn 't trust her . She looked too good to be true with her starched uniform and willing smile . The new agent went into a staff car , to be driven to the headquarters . She looked very lonely in the back of the car . Meanwhile , we walked to the operations room . There was a banks of monitors the length of the room . We could see satellite images of the build up of the Chinese fleet , as well as real time updates of our spies . I nodded . Then looked back over to the screens . I could see our agent depositing the papers in her draw . She phoned up the Chinese agent , and set up dinner . It looked like a glorious feast . Roast duck , with all the trimmings . The doorbell went . She walked over to it , and opened it . She said something , and the Chinese agent walked into the room . After ten minutes of conversation , she walked away . To go to the toilet . He walked over to the draws , and started rummaging . After a few minutes he found the file our agent had left . He took out the smallest camera you have ever seen , and clicked the image . After that , he put the files away . After he left , the confirmation came thick and fast . The Chinese fleet disbanded . It was amazing to see , but they split up within a matter of hours . Soon the sea around Taiwan was empty except for commercial shipping . I guess that if this had been a story that would be it . I would have been given a party , a celebration , and been allowed to leave . After all , I had saved the day . Well , Nigel did leave . I haven 't heard from him since . After they had finished celebrating , a guard collected me , and drove me in a prison van to here . It is a cold concrete cell . I am allowed a TV , and to write carefully vetted letters . I 'm not sure how I will post this , my story . Maybe I will write it under the postage stamp . I guess for an old crook like me , it is fair . But I wish I had been sent to jail for something I did . And not for some trumped up terrorist charge . Currently we only offer payment for one story selected as the feature story in the monthly pdf magazine only . The successful author will be contacted to organise payment via paypal for a $ 5AUD payment . 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The ship swayed and creaked . He feels every bit of it in his body . Taking no chances the crew , damnedable pirates , have chained him with no give . Legs bound in a kneeling position , arms chained to either wall crucifying him to the ship like a perverse figurehead , he 's been their captive long enough to have forgotten the feel of kindness . It is a small blessing that their fear of him keeps his gag in place at all times . It keeps them from coming anywhere near him . The captain learned a long time ago that he gleans all he needs to live from the moisture in the air , the brine in his eyes . During storms , when he is strongest , the captain posts guards with him . They don 't look at him . A terrible hope fills him today . By the movement of the ship and the crew 's curses , he knows that they 're being pursued by another ship . This ship is a runner , fast . There 'd be little concern of capture if the ship did not gain its quickness from being light , gain its lightness from having little room for armaments or supplies . The pursuers have had them going for a week now and they 'd been out of port for at least a month . He knows from the panic in the crew that the food is all but gone . Soon they 'll be too weak to load what small guns are aboard . He 'd be surprised if they could remember how to sight the cannons it 's been so long since the captain has ordered them used . His hope stems from the pirates ' desperation . If they succumb to practicality then they 'll come for him . With frightened hearts and shaking hands , they 'll undo his chains and he 'll get to spend some time under the sky instead of under foot . So he waits for their desperation to bloom practicality . It does not take long . The first mate comes with three guards and the keys . It is always the first mate that comes to get him . The captain coming himself would make him a person that the captain fears , he wouldn 't last long once that got out among the crew . The first mate is the only one he trusts with the keys to his chains . " The captain wants to see you . " He speaks with a unique accent that comes with the ship 's pidgin of French , Spanish , and Greek . His ears hear the gibberish , but his mind provides him with the meaning . Slowly , they unchain his arms from the ship and secure them behind his back . The guards are afraid to touch him , unsure whether he 'll break or they 'll be infected with something . It strikes him as odd how religious some of these men are . Coming onto the deck , sea spray hits him in the face , covers his bare chest . He instantly feels more alive . He stands taller , muscles flex , the chains bite into his skin . They take him to the captain , standing at the aft of the ship . He stands beside the captain looking out at the wide ocean , the only thing marring their perfect view of the horizon the pursuers . The first mate and guards fold themselves into the three other men standing around them . The captain just stands there for a few minutes , ignoring him . This too is done to show the crew he will do this in his own time , to show that the man he keeps below decks does not frighten him . Around the gag , behind the locked mouth plate , he smiles . Only he and the captain know what he is , and he knows that the captain is frightened of that . " I have use of you . " From under his coat he draws out the key that only he is allowed to keep . He inserts into lock for the face plate . " If you hurt this ship my men will stab you and you will die before you can swim for freedom . Like always , yeah ? " He nods . It 's always the same threat . It vaguely occurs to him that this is only a half life . But then , the spirits would kill for half a life . The plate falls away and he spits the wooden wedge from his mouth . His tongue sticks out , tasting the salt in the air . He flexes his jaw , taking in the blue sky , the white clouds , the gentle waves . He smiles at the captain . Other than the crew 's swords there is very little compelling him . Finally , the captain 's annoyance at the delay shows on his face . He focuses on ship on the horizon . He tries not to think of the men on the ship . He knows he will have to answer for his actions one day , but he 's trying to postpone that day for as long as possible . " I 'm fine . Sorry . " The cabby 's eyes dart from the road to the rearview mirror and back . " I 'm good . I 'm okay . " The cabby 's eyes return to the road and stay there , Lawrence was prepared to keep reassuring him for the rest of the drive as long as he didn 't take his eyes off the road . " That jetlag 's a bitch , isn 't it ? " " Yeah , jetlag . " He doesn 't really feel like talking so he looks out the window . What he sees unsettles him so much that he almost closes his eyes again . Outside the cab desert stretched on for miles . When he 'd met the cabby at the airport he 'd been fine . They 'd been in the middle of a city . He preferred the buildings and people to the endless dry expanse . He tried to think of it as a sea of earth but it just made him queasy . He can 't help it , he closes his eyes . " We 're almost there , " the cabby rouses him . " If I 'd of known I wouldn 't have let you sleep at all . You wouldn 't believe how many people fall asleep in my cab from the airport . " The cabby keeps up a steady stream of chitchat for the next few minutes . Lawrence doesn 't say much , but he 's glad for the distraction . " Here we go , buddy . " He pulls up in front of an independent diner . Lawrence can tell the sign was made with care when it was painted , years in the desert sun has faded it badly . " They got good food here ? " " I don 't know . This is my first time here . " He pays the fare and steps out of the air - conditioned interior . His lips are immediately dry and cracked . The heat cuts him to the core as fast as it dried his lips , the urge to speak rises in him . He needs to escape this heat , he 's drowning in dryness . He rushes inside hoping that they 'll have air - conditioning . No such luck . The interior of the restaurant is as faded as the exterior . He seats himself , impatiently tapping his foot waiting for the waitress . He can hear the sound of the wind . Not the dry , lifeless wind of the desert , but the damp , alive wind of the storm . It 's calling to him , begging him to call out . He licks his lips with a tongue he can barely feel . He can 't help himself , the desert is antithesis for him . Why had he decided to come here ? To satisfy some adolescent curiosity ? He takes one long , shuttering breath . " The special , two of them , just bring me a pitcher of water . " His throat feels so dry . He has to speak now before he loses his chance . " Hmph ! " With blurry vision he watches her flounce back to the kitchen . He grabs the edge of the table to steady himself . He 's clenching his jaw by the time she comes back with a glass for him . He swallows half of it . The cool liquid fills him , calming him . Vision clears , hands stop shaking , the urge lessening . The torrent of wind in his ears shifts to a gentle breeze . How close had he come ? The waitress turns to leave again , he grabs her arm . " Can I get you anything else ? " She says it in such a way that makes Lawrence wonder if it 's actually a question . She tired of him he can tell . She 's too used to bullying the locals . He doesn 't trying to be nice to her , he just takes out a fifty and lays it on the table . " This is your tip if you keep bringing me pitchers of water . " Her eyes gleam slightly as she stares at the bill on the table . Slowly she puts the pitcher on the table . " Thank you . " He drains the rest of his glass and pours another . He finishes this one in three huge gulps . He doesn 't feel as trapped now , his breathing has evened out . He fills the glass a third time , finishing off the pitcher , but only sips this one . A couple minutes pass , the waitress brings his two specials and another pitcher . Lawrence only picks at his food . Between the desert and the age of the equipment in the diner the food is completely dry . Mainly he just cuts up the food and moves it around on his plate . Mainly he watches the people in the restaurant . He immediately discounts his waitress . Seeing her move around the diner , speaking with her , she 's spent most of her life trying to get away from this place . It 's a pity that she 'd never really feel like she belongs anywhere . An old man sits in another booth . He is weathered , his countenance telling the story of a life in the desert . Despite the heat of the day he 's drinking coffee . Lawrence would have considered him a likely candidate if his research didn 't tell him he is looking for someone younger . Besides the old man doesn 't look like he belongs here , only that he 's gotten used to living here . It 's an old style diner setup , so Lawrence can see the cook behind the half wall separating the kitchen from the dining area . Cook would be a wonderful job for who he 's looking for . The heat rising from the stove providing a fix for the cravings while at work . Though nothing compared to the natural heat of the desert it would do while at work . Unfortunately the cook is wearing a sleeveless shirt that 's plastered to his body with sweat . Lawrence 's heart falls . He 's not close enough to the cook to pick up a flow from him , but the fact that he 's sweating tells him all he needs to know . It 's possible his sources were wrong . It 's not easy to track a Bearer . The burden / gift they bear making it too hard to get a fix on them . He 's about to get up , throwing the contents of his glass down his throat , when the kitchen door swings open and a young man steps through . Lawrence puts his cup down and watches him . Something in the way he moves is different . Somehow his movements come off as light , almost bouncy . Even just clearing dishes from tables , his movements are quick , precise . He wears a t - shirt , jeans , and boots , all are cheap , but he still has an air of status . Lawrence notes that he 's not sweating . He looks up , checking for more stray dishes . Lawrence motions him over . " You finished with this , mister ? " Lawrence inhales and catches the scent of aged stone . " Sorry , mister , I 'm just here for the dishes . You 'll want to try Craiper St . around ten tonight . " He grabs a plate , Lawrence grabs his wrist . Sun … Heat … Dry … Sand … Lawrence pulls his hand away , palm red . Perspiration stands out on the young man 's brow now , fear in his eyes . He slides into the booth across from Lawrence . Lawrence pours another glass of water and waits for the boy to say something . " I 'm on break ! " She throws up her hands and goes back into the kitchen . Tito smiles at Lawrence . " Let 's go outside . " Lawrence downs his water and follows him out and around the diner . " I 'm Benjamin Fuller , but everyone calls me , Tito . Now who the hell are you ? " It 's a fair question . If he doesn 't know what he is then he 's probably really freaked out . Lawrence can 't blame him , he 's been there . " Ha , not likely , man . " Tito looks skeptical , very skeptical . There 's at least fifteen years between them . And while Tito isn 't a full blooded Mexican , Lawrence can tell at least one of his parents is , while Lawrence couldn 't be more white without being an albino . It 's hard to believe . " I don 't mean biologically . I mean spiritually . " Tito 's face is instantly serious . " You can feel it , can 't you ? That subtle , tickling at the back of your brain that makes you feel like you know me , even while at your core I unsettle you . " " Yes . " Tito looks so relieved that it breaks Lawrence 's heart . He knows what it 's like to finally have this explained . Lawrence had spent three years in a mental hospital trying to deal by himself . Tito is a strong young man . " Where is there open desert ? " Tito points down an alley . Lawrence starts walking , Tito doesn 't need to be told to follow , he falls into step next to Lawrence careful not to touch him . They come out the other end of the alley seeing open land . For Lawrence it 's as close to nothing as he ever wants to get . Longing fills Tito 's eyes . " I want to share something with you . Watch out there . " Lawrence takes a deep breath and centers himself . The urge to speak has been growing since they stepped out of the diner , the dryness creeping in to all his dark places . Tito 's hands fly up to cover his ears . " Ah ! What the hell ? " FLASH ! BOOM ! The thunder cuts off any further curses . Tito 's gaze is drawn out to the desert , where black storm clouds have formed out of nowhere . The fear is back in his eyes , he retreats till his back hits the wall to the building . " What have you done ? " " I spoke my Word . We 're Word Bearers , Tito . You have your own . Can you feel it ? Deep in core . " Lawrence can see he 's confused . He 's frightened , overwhelmed . FLASHBOOM ! " You can stop this , Tito . Go ahead . Say your Word . I want to hear it . " " I don 't … I 'm not sure . " Confusion and fear war on Tito 's face . Lawrence hopes he won 't run . He didn 't mean to scare the boy . " Of course you 're sure . You 've known it for centuries , you just haven 't spoken it yet . It 's okay . I 'm here with you . " His first step is hesitant , his second is firm , his third is confident . Lawrence realizes he 's holding his breath . Tito looks up at him , he nods . Tito fixes his gaze on the storm . " " There it is . It 's as quiet as Lawrence 's Word is loud , but no less powerful . It 's so beautiful . As Lawrence watches the storm clouds dissipate a tear rolls down his cheek . 2 Dad suffered even from a sight of blood , and he never killed a hen nor slaughtered a pig . But I was aware that once he had donated his blood in the name of my Mum still , because she 'd had a narrow escape on an operating table then . With me a doctor would have my blood tested in a moment : one , two and it 's done . But first they make you ready for rather a time : take a seat , then have a proper finger chosen , though it is always just the one , then they wipe it with spirits until take somewhat sharp like a mini - scalpel . Not everyone can stand the procedure , but I was not against it when a doctor suggested me having my blood tested . She was a likable one , youngish for her age , not married or divorced , probably . And she had no child , I felt it immediately , she had such a look , barren if you want . Possibly for health reasons she could not bear a child or she didn 't find a right man . Or she could have a particular blood group not to have a child with anyone , that 's why she employed at a doctor 's consulting room to make blood tests . And she urged me to have my blood tested . At first I didn 't mind it , the right thing it is , still she didn 't ask my permission . " Just let 's have your blood tested " , she said and left me . She had many things to do I suppose . In doctor 's smocks they walked hither and thither all the time at a clinic there talking over the heads of those waiting , as if one was dead already . And I was still alive and a nurse was preparing to have my blood tested . While she got me ready she was chattering . She said that men were afraid of blood testing nowadays . More and more they refused to do it and ran away sometimes seeing a drop of blood . And one had nothing to fear , there was a couch behind the curtain in a special emergency to lie low , in case one fainted . She pulled the white curtain aside and showed me a couch with dark green leatherette and I shivered all at once : what for they needed my blood ? She suggested me taking off a jacket and rolling up my sleeve , left or right one , I don 't rMy Bio : Mr . Valery Petrovskiy is a journalist and short story writer from Russia . Не is an English Department graduate at Chuvash State University , Cheboksary , graduated in journalism at VKSch Higher School , Moscow and in psychology at Kazan State Technology University . He has been writing prose since 2005 . Some of his writing has been published in The Scrambler , Rusty Typer , BRICKrethoric , NAP Magazine , Literary Burlesque , The Other Room , Curbside Quotidian , DANSE MACABRE , WidowMoon Press , PRIME MINCER , Apocrypha and Abstractions , The Legendary in the USA , and in Australian " Skive " and " Going Down Swinging " magazines . At the moment he is writer - in - residence at Marco Polo Art Mag . It 's dark in here . That 's because I live at the bottom of the jewellery box along with the other outcasts : the tangled necklace with the broken lobster claw and teddy pendant she got for her eleventh birthday , along with the bracelet that 's missing a couple of gem stones . She always says she will have them repaired but never does , preferring to spend the money on more fashionable pieces instead that imitate Asian and Oriental designs . An untrained eye might imagine that they were found by a back - packer on their travels , but they weren 't . They can be bought from any shop on the high - street , and are merely echoes of worlds she 's never seen . Not all of us down here are broken though . I 'm not , and neither is the engagement ring she got from Mark , ( who eventually cheated on her with Shannon from Reception , ) or the belly bar she took out when she put weight on and decided looked too young for her anyway . The ones at the top who get worn more often pity us , ( ' how boring it must be , ' they say to each other in whispers they think we can 't hear , ' being cooped up down there , month in , month out , ' ) but in a way they 're jealous . As I 've said , you could buy them in their hundreds if you wanted to , and they are without sentimental value like the childhood necklace or the belly bar that reminds her of her wild teens and early twenties . They 're easily replaced and she gives them away when they become outdated - or chucks them if even her younger sister and the charity shops say no , thanks . She doesn 't like Mark 's ring or me , so it isn 't often that her fingers dig through the chunky bangles and strings of beads to bring me to the surface . It happens maybe three or four times a year when she has arranged to visit The Matriarch . The ring doesn 't even get a look in . Why Mark wouldn 't let her give it back to him so that he could give it to someone he did love is beyond us ; at least that way it would have been enjoyed . All the same , seeing as I 'm an heirloom and the ring is eighteen carat white goPerhaps you imagine I get bitter when the voices of the favoured ones float above my head , chattering away about their ventures out of the box : days at work , dinners , dates , parties and who was there , who wasn 't there , what she wore … you get the drift . Or worse , maybe you feel sorry for me . I 'd rather you didn 't . Pity the rest but not me . I 'm not so keen on their weight pressing down on me but I don 't mind the dark . In fact I quite like it . It reminds me of home , my real one , from before I met people . As for being bitter , you can rule that out . I 'm a pearl , darling ; it 's not in my nature . You lot have seen me as a symbol of love for thousands of years and I do try to live up to my name by being kind - although I cannot help but wince sometimes at the irony , given that the first person I ever met died . Don 't look at me like that ; it wasn 't my fault . But that 's why she doesn 't like me . All the same , when you 've being kept in a family for over a century you do take an interest in your present owner , even if it 's not reciprocated , so I enjoy listening to the young ones ' gossip . Let them have their fun while they still can . The best they can hope for is a place in a child 's dressing - up box in just a few , short years so they might as well enjoy it . 2 . Memories . I might be old - fashioned and be from a past that she and you would rather forget , but I 'm not like your kind . I will endure and outlive the others , her - even you . And I never forget . My memory doesn 't grow weak with age , it gets stronger . I can still smell what my home was like ; still feel the movements of the person who found me when he panicked and rushed too quickly to the top , and the urgent , grasping hand of the first , but different person to ever touch me , as though I 'd only stopped smelling and feeling them a minute ago . The memories of my owners and the events in their lives play like the films you are so fond of ; the moment when her grandfather proposed to her grandmother , and the christening of her mother , they are a3 . Before she grew up . I suppose you think it strange that her grandmother , ( or The Matriarch as she jokingly calls her , ) skipped a generation and gave me to someone who doesn 't like me , but it never used to be this way . When she was little and used to visit her grandmother she would ask , ( very politely after giving her a peck on the cheek , ) if she could play with her jewellery box . The answer was always yes , and she would very carefully hunt through the diamonds and gold to find me , pin me to her jumper and wear me for the rest of the time she was there . It became something of a ritual , to the point where her grandmother began to pick me out herself and would put me on the coffee table ready for when she arrived . When she was eighteen , The Matriarch had a heart attack , and fearing that she would never leave hospital , insisted on the girl 's mother driving for two hours to get me , so that she could give me to her personally before it was too late . They were very close , and still are in spite of the distance , for she survived against all the odds . Whenever she goes to see her she always comments on how lovely it is , seeing her granddaughter all grown up , wearing her old brooch that 's always been her favourite . And I was for a time . Traditionally I was only worn for a special or significant occasion , but when she was at college I had the strange but enjoyable experience of being put in her pocket and going with her , and if she felt nervous about something her fingers would slide down to stroke me . Normally I hated people manhandling me , but I didn 't mind in her case - it was better than her biting her nails . It was almost as if she thought that having me with her would stop something bad happening - and I have been viewed as ' lucky . ' Stop sniggering , it 's true . In the days of knights and sword - fighting , we would be worn when the rich and noble went into battle because they thought we would protect them from harm , so don 't laugh at her . It felt good , being wanted , and I have to confess I came in danger You don 't like being reminded of your past - those days of glory when Britain ruled half the world . I think that 's why you apologise so much , and give more than you can afford to charities trying to save the poor and starving around the globe . It 's almost as though you 're trying to make up for all the wrongs done before you were born . And I 've tried to avoid talking about it in case you ran away - I get lonely sometimes and it 's nice having someone to talk to . But you can 't run forever , things have to be faced eventually . Some of you may already know and may already be trying to shut out the sound of my words by turning your thoughts to the plans you 've made for the weekend , but there 'll be a lot of you who don 't . There are lots of happy anecdotes from my owners ' lives I could have told you but this is the one you need to hear : My story . We are not like your kind , but there is one thing we have in common : just as you can 't remember coming out of the womb , we don 't know what it was like being a grain of sand or piece of shell squeezing our way inside an oyster and hardening ; all I remember is being . There were no thoughts , for when you live inside a shell there isn 't a great deal to think about - nothing happens . That probably sounds dull to you but there was no sadness , no pain or death . It was peaceful , just being . I didn 't know this at the time but even nothing has to come to an end eventually : the day would always have come when I would be found . It will be hard for you to understand what it was like being taken out of water , hearing sounds , seeing colours and light - all for the first time . On paper it sounds great , this explosion of life , but the reality was frightening - and even fear was something I had never heard of or felt before . Maybe that 's why your newborns usually cry when they come out , because they 're scared and want to go back . I 'm trying to think of ways to describe how it was to you , and the only way I can think of is for you to imagine an ancient Egyptian being placed in the middle of a supermarket . That might give you a better idea , but even that doesn 't come close . I 've learnt a lot since then - ( I 've had to , I didn 't have any other choice - ) but there 's one thing I 've never been able to get my head around , and that is time . Your lives are ruled by clocks and diaries telling you when deadlines or birthdays are due , but when you have so much time whole years , even decades can pass you by . Forgive me then , if I am a little hazy on dates . What I can tell you is that I was brought to the surface in the late 1800s , which makes me special . There aren 't many of us that come from nature now . Most are made by man in bulk on farms . Things changed . You suddenly became concerned about human life and diving equipment got better . Both meant that the world 's poor no were no longer forced to hold their breaths for comments » I knew that someone important was going to walk into my life at 12 : 15 , just after I normally drink tea and prepare for an slow day working on the horoscope . Now , maybe you might not believe me . After all , I am a professional charlatan . But I knew something was up , because for the last two weeks every prediction I have made actually worked out . It started when I saw Mrs Henderson . She was a fat woman , an unpleasant woman , a great client . Like most people who wanted a reading , she didn 't want the truth . And normally I didn 't give it to her . I pulled out the equipment . It was a plain set . It looked like bone china , but was made in china for a very low price . Mrs Henderson looked impressed anyway . She had a lot of money , and not a lot of sense . Anyway , I started reading the information contained in the tea leafs . And then the world went blank . When I returned to the world , Mrs Henderson was gone . I walked out of the shop I had rented , and another of the shopkeepers came up to me . He was normally an quiet , amicable chap . This time he looked like he wanted to throttle me . " She came out of here . Howling and crying , like you 'd tried to kill her . " he put his face up to mine , " You ever do it again and I 'll . . " " I don 't know what you 're talking about , " and I backed away from him . He stalked off . I walked back to my shop , ready to wait for my next appointment . Mrs Abbot didn 't come . She left a nervous message on my answer phone . At the time I didn 't realise why . Because I had no other clients for the day , I went home . My mouth opened wide . It was such a shock , it seemed like I 'd just been told I was about to die . And then . Then I was in my bed , looking at the ceiling . The police officers had gone . But it felt more real than a dream . It must have been a dream . Yeah , that was what it was , I convinced myself . Although I should have known better . In Ireland you can make a full time living as a psychic . less so in England . The English wouldn 't even pay you if you could predict the lottery . So I also work as a pitchman . Which , if you think about it , is just another way to make a dishonest buck . I walked to the nearest boot sale , and set up . It isn 't too crowded in the morning . And everyone is busy . So I crawl in through the hedge . They don 't know that I 'm there against the rules . I set up . My table is old fashioned . A suitcase with legs you fold out . Like the true pitchmen of the 50 's . My pitch is the worm . They wiggle around my hand , like they are alive . The fools in the crowd gave me money . That is what they are for . She had the longest blondest hair this side of fairyland , and her smile lights up the room like a flashlight . And I knew I am meant to talk to her . Just now . She walked off . I had the sense she is in trouble . She was poorer than she used to be , her clothes were expensive , but last years fashion . I had a feeling I will meet her again . When I got there , there was Mrs Henderson and her husband . Their eyes were red . They had been crying . I couldn 't understand what they were there for . I managed to get them to leave . At first I thought that the gossip would help me . But the truth is , no one wants to go to a psychic that tells them the truth . Life is hard enough . You go to a psychic to hear lies . I made some money as a pitchman , so it didn 't affect me too much . But I kept on having bad dreams . I kept on seeing people I knew in them . Not just that , I saw how they died . Their pain . And I started to write down what I saw . In a book by my bedside cabinet . The extra time I had meant I was drinking more too . It was like I 'd been cursed . But the worst was the Christians . They decided that these dreams were inspired by Satan . They set up the picket line in front of my office . I started to think I should simply leave . On Wednesday , the cleaner came in . She was a nosy parker . And no mistake . Her husband had died a few years back , and she was interested in everything . While it 's not the way she put it , she was very interested in the diary . All the details of the different murders and deaths I 'd seen . All the factual details that no one else other than the murderer could know . She took it to the police , and they read it , and they got their warrant . I arrived back at the normal time , and nothing was different . The book was there . I didn 't notice the surveillance cameras . Not at all . They broke in that night . It wasn 't a dream . And I looked up to them bleary eyed , a gun pointing in my face , and swore . They dragged me towards the back of the car , and I noticed someone had decided to give the press warning . So it was very public . Once in , they took me right there . And kitted me out in fetching jail clothing , since I was still in pyjamas . This was the first time I was in jail , and I can tell you it is not as bad as some people say . There is an odd vinegar smell , hiding other bodily fluids . And it is never quiet . There is always shouting going on , and doors slammed . But it was no worse than some hotels I 've been in while performing . I looked across at my lawyer . Short , thin , balding and bored . The police officer had my diary in front of him . He picked it up . " In it , you 've got the details of dozens of murders . Information the police hasn 't released to the public . Information . . . dare I say it , in some cases that the police didn 't even know themselves . " And that was it . That was the full content of the interview . I was hustled off into the cell , and ended up waiting for days . In telephone conversations with friends , I knew the police were digging up my life . I was given a notebook , and a pen , and I continued to write down my dreams . I thought I might as well . The police would search my cell every now and again , and confiscate them . They even moved me to solitary . Made sure no one could be feeding me this information . Or , presumably , that I wasn 't ordering the killings . But the dreams continued . They were getting worse and worse . Every morning I woke up feeling like I had not slept . I guess at least things looked up , because they took me from prison . They drove me along country lanes , towards a building . I can 't tell you precisely where it was . It just looked like an old school to be honest . You 'd never have guessed it was an intelligence headquarters . They bundled me out into an empty building . You 've heard of the secret prisons . Well , they are true . They dressed me up in a uniform , tagged my ankle , and locked me in a cage . The only thing they gave me was some paper and a pen to write down my dreams . Sometimes people came to research me . They put me in scanners , and gave me all kinds of medical tests . The results were unsurprising . I was just a normal , healthy individual . And that was how it seemed I was destined to live for the rest of my life . Until I started to hear the voices . They were low . Just like someone was talking in the next room . Distant . And I couldn 't make them out . That night I was tossing and turning , and I heard someone shout out my name . I woke up . No one was there . Then I tried to get asleep again , and managed it . But the voice was insistent . Nothing answered me . The guards walked past my cell . But with the dreams and the voices , I was getting no sleep . It started to affect me so badly I would not even eat food . Within a few days I was exhausted . Mentally and physically drained . And I guess that is what the creatures wanted . Because soon they broke through . It 's hard to tell you how it felt . But if you have ever had a moment of shock , when you suddenly feel like you aren 't there , you 'll know . He said his name . And then the voice faded away . But I knew I had to do precisely what he told me . I 'd go mad otherwise . Maybe I was already mad . The opportunity came sooner than I expected . My handlers were getting anxious . I was producing less predictions than normal , and the federal conviction rate was plummeting through the floor . The handlers looked like model citizens . Dark suits , a man and a woman dressed formally , like they were lawyers . They flashed their badge to me . I don 't know why , the fact I was in a prison gave them away . The police officer fell back . You could see him working it through in his mind . Despite the success of my predictions , he settled on the conclusion I was mad . After all , psychic phenomena were impossible . He 'd read that once . I shook my head . But that night , I was thinking about it , and decided that I had to ask . Had to have a conversation , if only for my sanity . When the voices started up , I leaned forward in my bed . I asked the question again . But he would say nothing of use to me . he would only repeatedly ask me to find his killers . Not very useful . Eventually , I managed to coax his name from him . Nigel . Not a very good name for a joke . That was the strange thing . No murder victims of that name came up . Not any time soon . But a week later , a Nigel disappeared . And I realised the truth . I looked through the court reports . He had been killed by stabbing . They wouldn 't let me out of the jail . So all I could do was read the files they brought on him . And I got the feeling that many of the details had been redacted . it was like looking for a haystack in an elephant : messy and not very satisfactory . There were only two people I decided who could have done it . They both had a great deal to gain . At the end of the day , though , there is a limit to what you can do from inside a jail cell . The guards looked sceptically at me when I asked for it . But I was responsible for half the murder arrests in the district for the last six months . So they eventually gave me what I wanted . Especially when I refused to furnish them with any more information . I don 't know if you have ever been to a proper séance . Well , to be honest , most of the time the knocks are from the medium . But this time it was different . Within moments of the séance starting , I was aware that the room was colder . Then the entire board lifted off the table , and flew towards me . It hit the wall a few inches from my face . The room warmed up again . The presence was gone . For a little while . " I didn 't " I replied . I knew that he didn 't believe me . But he would have to show more senior people . And I knew they couldn 't afford to risk me . I went back to bed . For the first time in weeks , I had no bad dreams . I guess Nigel knew I understood his message . I slept very soundly . Until the next morning . But my guards didn 't really understand . Or they did not want to understand . My handler met me in the interview room the next morning . He looked tired . Besides him sat a man I hadn 't seen before . He wore the cleanest , most expensive suit I had seen during my stay at the states pleasure . The man stood up . He walked out of the room . Measured , and without menace . But he didn 't seem to be a man used to dealing with no . My handler shook his head . He didn 't need to tell me the consequences . All of a sudden , I was put on suicide watch . Woken up every thirty minutes to see if I wasn 't dead yet . The heating in my cell surprisingly broke . I knew I was in their hands totally . But I never realised what it was like to displease them . You see , Nigel might be a ghost , but that doesn 't mean he is stupid . He can see what is happening . He knows they are stopping me doing what he wants . And this gets him angry . They first times he acted , it looked like coincidence . The guards chair would tilt under him , depositing him on the floor . Or cups of coffee were not placed firmly enough on the table . The guards were spooked by me . They knew that I was able to see things they could not . But although the guards face became pale , his hand on the trigger was steady and firm . It was too late . The chair slammed into the guard . He dropped to the floor . Then I saw the guards keys float from his pocket . My cell door was unlocked . I walked over to the guard , stripped his clothes off , and changed into his uniform . I thought I didn 't have much of a choice . If I didn 't do what Nigel wanted he would kill me . Every door I came to slid open without me doing anything . It would have been creepy if I didn 't know what was happening . Soon the alarms started to ring out . People would be grabbing their guns , getting ready to shoot me . I could feel my heart trying to escape from my chest . I soon arrived at fire exit . It opened in front of me . I climbed down some steps . Below me , I could see coppers swarming . I continued to walk down . One of the coppers recognised me . I ran in the opposite direction . He took aim , and I could hear the gun explode behind me . But the bullet didn 't pierce my skin like I expected . Instead , it ended in the ground . I reached a police car , and the engine came on without anyone doing anything . Then I went into a store and bought black trousers and a white shirt . Got changed . And walked out of the shopping centre , expecting to be caught at any time . In my pocket there was five hundred dollars . That was all I had in the world , except for an insane ghost . I decided it was time to go to the library . After chatting to the librarian for a few seconds , she walked me over to a computer which had copies of the local papers for the last twenty years . I typed a search . At first I found nothing , but as I expanded the search back I found him . According to the interview , he was found murdered in his bed . He had been asleep . His wife had been charged and convicted of his murder . But she said she was innocent . Nothing came in response . I knew that would happen . It was too much to hope for . It was getting late at night . The librarian was fussing near me . It was time to go . When you are a fugitive , it isn 't as simple to find a place to stay as booking a room in a hotel . I walked round , looking for an empty house . It took me an hour . Occasionally a police car would go past . It made me nervous . At one time it would have been a posh bungalow . But whoever had owned it had been taken to a care home , and it was covered in weeds and neglect . I walked up to the door , and it swings open . That is one of the advantages of your own private poltergeist . Inside it was a mess . But dry and water proof . There was a wood burning stove in one room . The power was off , and Nigel didn 't turn it on . But the water was only off at the mains . It was easy enough to get it working again . In the morning I would have to start the process of searching for Nigel Slater . I knew roughly where he lived . I fell asleep , and woke up hungry and cramped . Outside , I could hear rustling . I peeked through the window , and could see a man dressed only in black . He looked like he was not very friendly . I ducked down , but he must have seen me . He edged towards the door . It was locked , but he slammed it open . I hid behind the sofa . it didn 't help . He walked towards me . I noticed he had a poker in his hand . There was no way he wouldn 't find me . I stood up . I looked over at him . He had a long scar down his face . it seemed like he was used to trouble . And he was straining to start a fight . I did what he said . He followed me . I thought he might hit me at any second . or recognise me . They must have put my picture out into the news by now . I sighed with relief , but knew that my location might be passed onto the police . I decided it was time to get out of the town . I caught a bus , and tried to hide my face . Since I hadn 't had a bath for a few days it was easier than you might think . People did not want to look me in the eyes . I arrived at Nigel 's house six hours latter . It was a solemn house . A plane front garden laid to grass , brick frontage , and white windows . It didn 't look like anyone had ever cared for it . It looked like it was a place to sleep and not to stay . It took me a few minutes to settle down , and watch the street . There was nothing extraordinary about it . A few people walked past , taking little interest in the stranger . After watching for half an hour , I knew there was little information here for me . Talking round the local shops I found out that Nigel had been a quiet man . Few people knew him , past his saying hello . he didn 't seem to have been involved in anything wrong . or indeed in anything at all . I decided that there could only really have been one source of trouble . He must have found out something at work . Something that made him worth more to someone dead than alive . I got some annual reports from his company and studied them . Amazing what is available on the internet these days . There was little of interest . I applied to work at Nigel 's company as a cleaner . it was a big risk . I supplied false references , and knew they would not check them for months . That 's the thing about cleaners . No one takes any notice . So I got the job , and examined the work place thoroughly . It looked like an office . The computers were always on . Once or twice I looked over the shoulder of someone working but it was all gobbledygook to me . To make it worse , I saw my face on the newspaper when I went for food . Sure , I looked a lot different now . I had grown longer hair , a beard , and was thinner . But it was still me . I grew suspicious of other people . Then came my big break . Several people were working in the office late . I overhead them speaking about a billion dollar deal . The company was getting bought out . I checked the internet , and there was something in the trade section . The routine was the same every day . But one of my colleagues had not turned up to work . So I was asked to clean the main office . I did so . But I did more than that , I broke into the file cabinets , and started reading company secrets . But that didn 't save me for long . The next day I arrived at work a few minutes earlier . Something told me that things were wrong . The security guard on the gate was new . He told me to go out to the bosses office . I walked into a small lab , and looked around . There was a window , and I tried to open it . In the distance I could see five police cars . The window wouldn 't open . There was only one way out . And I knew that by now , there would be police officers between me and the door . I looked round to find a chair . Then used it to break the window . The alarm went , and I slid through the empty hole . But I caught my shoulder on a shard of glass . I was bleeding . The police gave up their pretence . Dozens of sirens started up , heading towards the building . I ran through a green space . I knew that there was only one way out of the compound except the front gate . A hole in the fence I had noticed a few days earlier . But over head their was a helicopter . Although I ran like the wind , it wasn 't enough . I could hear the police men getting closer and closer . I turned around and saw two police officers . They both had guns pointed at me . I raised my hands , and they soon had me on the ground . I arrived at my destination a few hours latter . This time they were taking no chances . I arrived at a super maximum prison . Surrounded by barbed wire , dogs , and armed police officers it was obvious I 'd never get out . The next day the interrogation began . Again and Again . Asking me where I had gone . What I had done . I eventually broke down and told them everything . But that didn 't stop them continuing . Maybe what they were doing was no crime . But it was a form of torture . Eventually , the interrogations stopped . They gave me paper . They wanted to go back to how it used to be . But by that time I had got so angry , even when I did have a dream I kept it to myself . I wasn 't there . So all I can do is repeat the report that was made to me . No guarantee it is what happened . Apparently the director of the FBI had been having an extramarital affair . He was in bed that normal , and engaging in exercise at the same time . This was not expected , but what was even more unexpected was the windows opening wide . And the explosions of a gun . The director of the FBI 's gun . But I do know that it made the national news . The assistant director of the FBI resigned . And , to be frank , most of the people in the FBI did not care much about that . But it was fair warning . He didn 't seem to be exactly happy about what had happened . In fact , he stormed in to the visiting room , and let loose a barrage of swear words . I sat there passively , listening to him . When he calmed down sufficiently , he sat down . " Nigel was right . All he wants is his murderer found . But he isn 't going to stop . Not until that is done . Not even if he has to kill someone else to do it . " " No . I am not . Nigel is a threat to you . If you stand in the way , that is . He is a ghost . What can you do to get rid of him ? " The director of the FBI thought for a few seconds . An hour latter , a priest turned up with bell , book and candle . it didn 't work spectacularly . The power went off , the candle blew out , the bell rang , and the book was thrown across the room . The director gestured to the mirror and two toughs walked in . They carried some rope . They tied me to the chair , and lifted a cosh over their heads . Then all hell broke lose . The cosh swung back by itself . it raised into the air , and came down , laying out one of the thugs . The other caught me a glancing blow , but something unseen lifted him from the floor and threw him against the wall . " You have a choice . Director . Help find Nigel 's killer . Or , I think , Nigel will chase you down and gut you like a fish . " Eventually the Director settled down again . He sat in his chair , silently looking at me . I wasn 't a pretty picture . Thin , and in prison coveralls . I must have looked like a real criminal . They let me go that afternoon . Put me in a suit , and told me I was seconded to the FBI . I was even given my own agent . He was tall , thin , and looked every inch the government man . The agent shook his head . He gave nothing away . That was when I knew he wasn 't sent to help me . Just to keep an eye out on me . Nevertheless , I decided that I could use him . Like he wanted to use me . I looked over to him , and told him to get a warrant . We were going to search Nigel 's company . And read every damn bit of paper they had about Sigma . When we arrived at the door , they had their lawyer sorted out already . Someone must have leaked it . He looked like he had cost a lot of money . " I 'm afraid we have the right not to incriminate ourselves . We are asserting that right . Both as a company , and as individuals . So , no , you can ask any questions but we will not answer them . " I was surprised when I found the clue . It was something no one else would have noticed . A single envelope in the bin . It contained an address . I think Nigel must have been helping me . I was drawn to it . But the thing I noticed was the fact the address had a Sigma stamp . Once we were out of the building , I decided to break away from the FBI agent . I knew some things would work better on my own . it was easier said than done . When I tried to go for a walk that night , he insisted on staying right by me . Getting to the address was difficult . I didn 't have a car , I had to take the bus . Most of the journey there wasn 't even that . And it had began to rain . I must have looked odd , walking around town that late at night , soaked . In fact , I surprised no copper stopped me . " Good enough , " I said . Knowing I was lying as I said it . It wasn 't like it was my strong point . The expression on the coppers face showed he thought not either . He stood there behind me his mouth opened , as I shimmied the lock . it opened . I walked in . This was a mistake , I didn 't notice the small CCTV camera , the camera that was hidden in a plug socket . But it was sending my picture right up to the security office . I worked quickly , going up the stairs to the office . I don 't know what I had expected to see . But what I did see looked just like any other office . Even down to the half drunk cup of coffee . I woke up in the boot of a car . I could feel the engine running , and smell burning petrol . It was pick black . The car started off , bumping along the ground . Hitting me from side to side . My hands were tied behind my back . It was lucky I knew a little magic . I got the knot loose without much effort . Then I grovelled around the car to find something , anything that could help me . There was a wrench , which I picked up . I put the rope around my wrists , hiding the fact I was loose . And put the wrench in my pocket . The boot of the car swung open . One of the security guards lifted me out of the boot . He was covered in muscle . My mouth opened wide . That was the last thing I expected to hear . They marched me along the ground and I saw him for the first time . Nigel . Alive . Then the room went strange . Something turned the lights off , and opened the windows . It even raised a chair off the ground . The security guard looked worried for the first time . " For the last month , I have been searching for the person who killed Nigel Slater . You , sir , are Nigel Slater . But it seems your ghost hasn 't got the information you are alive . " But it didn 't work . By the time that the ambulance arrived , Nigel was in a deep coma . It took only a short time after that until the first homicide detective got there . But the truth is , it was fate . No ones fault . Except the murderer . After all , how can Nigel Slater 's ghost come into my dreams unless he is actually killed ? What happened next surprised me . The cops arrested me . Told me I was being held on suspicion of murder . I told them not to be idiots , but they wrote it in their notebooks and not their minds . By that point the clues would be getting stale , so I drove right to the company . But they wouldn 't let me in . it was a police investigation , they said . No dice . I called the FBI agent and asked him to run the full scan on Slater . By the time he had finished I would know every single family member . And all I had to do was interview them . The only clue left to me was Sigma . The company was closed for a few hours , but the managing director wasn 't . Again the FBI came to my rescue . They had the address , and I wasn 't afraid to use it . We walked up the garden path . It wasn 't the most luxurious house that a managing director had ever lived at . But I knocked on the door anyway . I walked in . Behold , the group was all there . The director of the FBI himself . The attorney general . And a four star general . I could feel the back of my assistant straightening up . The Managing Director pressed a button on the TV . It switched on . Nigel Slater 's office . I saw him pick up his glass . Put the chemicals in it . The MD fast forwarded . Nigel killed himself . " Oil . We got him to produce computer models . All the oil reserves . He was so great . . . well , he could produce a program that told us exactly where oil was , just from satellite images . " Just at that moment a dozen armed guards came into the room . Their guns were pointed right at me . I raised my hands , and was soon plunged into the carpet . They searched me . Didn 't find anything interesting . " Yeah . But I don 't think you did it . I don 't think you were that smart . But I don 't know what this being who calls himself Nigel Slater is , " I didn 't struggle . By now , them putting handcuffs on me was almost routine . I just wish I had been able to continue my life as a charlatan . I didn 't know what to say to that . it was true . it was obvious when you think about it . Nigel had told me he was murdered when he was still alive . but no one ever said the soul was bound to the arrow of time . Within a few minutes we had picked up an escort . From what I could tell , they had closed the road down . Only we were travelling that evening . I gulped . It looked like things were just about to head for the worse . The trip to the Whitehouse was the most fraught I had experienced in my life . The director of the FBI was reading faxes and emails in the car . His face was getting more and more pale . " I guess like the English did in WWII . With disinformation . We need to get an Chinese agent and feed him bad info . And I guess Nigel might be your best hope for that . " I guess the FBI director caught on quickly . Because he could go anywhere , Nigel could listen to the Chinese chatter . He could find Chinese agents . Maybe he didn 't know Chinese , but he knew enough to listen in to the English language conversations . It wasn 't a new concept . The CIA had investigated it in the sixties . But they didn 't have a real life ghost , so their experiments failed . This time we had a real ghost . I asked them to pick out the Ouija board again . The séance room was a sight you had never seen in your life . The president and the director of the FBI holding hands , in a dark room . The president of the united states shook his head . You could tell he couldn 't believe what he was seeing . He got up from his seat , and you could almost hear his bones cracking . Over in the corner of the room I could see a computer with satellite images . I could watch the Chinese fleet mobilising in real time . The number of dots that represented aircraft carriers alone was scary . " It will only be a few days before we have to mobilise our own navy . " The wait was excruciating . But suddenly five hours latter , the board started spelling out a name . The FBI director went to work . Within minutes they had the file out . He didn 't look like what you would expect of a Chinese agent . He had long , blonde hair , was dressed in a respectable suit , and had a respectable job . He worked in the old navy base . His job was to work on the files , reading sensitive military information . Including information about resource allocation . Once they checked his bank account the truth became obvious . The FBI director stood up , and paced down the long thin corridor . Then he arrived back in the meeting room with a young woman . She was dressed in military uniform . He explained the plan . It was simple . The Chinese agent needed to think it had all been a hoax . But for that to work , he would have to eat a pack of lies . I wasn 't there , so I can report only what I have been told . The female agent I had been introduced to worked in the old navy headquarters . She worked in the files there . It is a room full of top secret papers . Room might be the wrong word ; it was the size of an aircraft hanger . She worked there , and had spent months being bored . So naturally , she had struck up a conversation with the handsome blonde military attaché . And , the conversation was reciprocated . The director of the FBI looked at her . She didn 't look like much to put the freedom of the world onto . But she was eager . And after being told what to do , she didn 't complain . She saluted . I stood at the back of the room , watching the Director of the FBI feeling out the officer , and knew I would have to talk to Nigel alone . I didn 't trust her . She looked too good to be true with her starched uniform and willing smile . The new agent went into a staff car , to be driven to the headquarters . She looked very lonely in the back of the car . Meanwhile , we walked to the operations room . There was a banks of monitors the length of the room . We could see satellite images of the build up of the Chinese fleet , as well as real time updates of our spies . I nodded . Then looked back over to the screens . I could see our agent depositing the papers in her draw . She phoned up the Chinese agent , and set up dinner . It looked like a glorious feast . Roast duck , with all the trimmings . The doorbell went . She walked over to it , and opened it . She said something , and the Chinese agent walked into the room . After ten minutes of conversation , she walked away . To go to the toilet . He walked over to the draws , and started rummaging . After a few minutes he found the file our agent had left . He took out the smallest camera you have ever seen , and clicked the image . After that , he put the files away . After he left , the confirmation came thick and fast . The Chinese fleet disbanded . It was amazing to see , but they split up within a matter of hours . Soon the sea around Taiwan was empty except for commercial shipping . I guess that if this had been a story that would be it . I would have been given a party , a celebration , and been allowed to leave . After all , I had saved the day . Well , Nigel did leave . I haven 't heard from him since . After they had finished celebrating , a guard collected me , and drove me in a prison van to here . It is a cold concrete cell . I am allowed a TV , and to write carefully vetted letters . I 'm not sure how I will post this , my story . Maybe I will write it under the postage stamp . I guess for an old crook like me , it is fair . But I wish I had been sent to jail for something I did . And not for some trumped up terrorist charge . Currently we only offer payment for one story selected as the feature story in the monthly pdf magazine only . The successful author will be contacted to organise payment via paypal for a $ 5AUD payment . 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The ship swayed and creaked . He feels every bit of it in his body . Taking no chances the crew , damnedable pirates , have chained him with no give . Legs bound in a kneeling position , arms chained to either wall crucifying him to the ship like a perverse figurehead , he 's been their captive long enough to have forgotten the feel of kindness . It is a small blessing that their fear of him keeps his gag in place at all times . It keeps them from coming anywhere near him . The captain learned a long time ago that he gleans all he needs to live from the moisture in the air , the brine in his eyes . During storms , when he is strongest , the captain posts guards with him . They don 't look at him . A terrible hope fills him today . By the movement of the ship and the crew 's curses , he knows that they 're being pursued by another ship . This ship is a runner , fast . There 'd be little concern of capture if the ship did not gain its quickness from being light , gain its lightness from having little room for armaments or supplies . The pursuers have had them going for a week now and they 'd been out of port for at least a month . He knows from the panic in the crew that the food is all but gone . Soon they 'll be too weak to load what small guns are aboard . He 'd be surprised if they could remember how to sight the cannons it 's been so long since the captain has ordered them used . His hope stems from the pirates ' desperation . If they succumb to practicality then they 'll come for him . With frightened hearts and shaking hands , they 'll undo his chains and he 'll get to spend some time under the sky instead of under foot . So he waits for their desperation to bloom practicality . It does not take long . The first mate comes with three guards and the keys . It is always the first mate that comes to get him . The captain coming himself would make him a person that the captain fears , he wouldn 't last long once that got out among the crew . The first mate is the only one he trusts with the keys to his chains . " The captain wants to see you . " He speaks with a unique accent that comes with the ship 's pidgin of French , Spanish , and Greek . His ears hear the gibberish , but his mind provides him with the meaning . Slowly , they unchain his arms from the ship and secure them behind his back . The guards are afraid to touch him , unsure whether he 'll break or they 'll be infected with something . It strikes him as odd how religious some of these men are . Coming onto the deck , sea spray hits him in the face , covers his bare chest . He instantly feels more alive . He stands taller , muscles flex , the chains bite into his skin . They take him to the captain , standing at the aft of the ship . He stands beside the captain looking out at the wide ocean , the only thing marring their perfect view of the horizon the pursuers . The first mate and guards fold themselves into the three other men standing around them . The captain just stands there for a few minutes , ignoring him . This too is done to show the crew he will do this in his own time , to show that the man he keeps below decks does not frighten him . Around the gag , behind the locked mouth plate , he smiles . Only he and the captain know what he is , and he knows that the captain is frightened of that . " I have use of you . " From under his coat he draws out the key that only he is allowed to keep . He inserts into lock for the face plate . " If you hurt this ship my men will stab you and you will die before you can swim for freedom . Like always , yeah ? " He nods . It 's always the same threat . It vaguely occurs to him that this is only a half life . But then , the spirits would kill for half a life . The plate falls away and he spits the wooden wedge from his mouth . His tongue sticks out , tasting the salt in the air . He flexes his jaw , taking in the blue sky , the white clouds , the gentle waves . He smiles at the captain . Other than the crew 's swords there is very little compelling him . Finally , the captain 's annoyance at the delay shows on his face . He focuses on ship on the horizon . He tries not to think of the men on the ship . He knows he will have to answer for his actions one day , but he 's trying to postpone that day for as long as possible . " I 'm fine . Sorry . " The cabby 's eyes dart from the road to the rearview mirror and back . " I 'm good . I 'm okay . " The cabby 's eyes return to the road and stay there , Lawrence was prepared to keep reassuring him for the rest of the drive as long as he didn 't take his eyes off the road . " That jetlag 's a bitch , isn 't it ? " " Yeah , jetlag . " He doesn 't really feel like talking so he looks out the window . What he sees unsettles him so much that he almost closes his eyes again . Outside the cab desert stretched on for miles . When he 'd met the cabby at the airport he 'd been fine . They 'd been in the middle of a city . He preferred the buildings and people to the endless dry expanse . He tried to think of it as a sea of earth but it just made him queasy . He can 't help it , he closes his eyes . " We 're almost there , " the cabby rouses him . " If I 'd of known I wouldn 't have let you sleep at all . You wouldn 't believe how many people fall asleep in my cab from the airport . " The cabby keeps up a steady stream of chitchat for the next few minutes . Lawrence doesn 't say much , but he 's glad for the distraction . " Here we go , buddy . " He pulls up in front of an independent diner . Lawrence can tell the sign was made with care when it was painted , years in the desert sun has faded it badly . " They got good food here ? " " I don 't know . This is my first time here . " He pays the fare and steps out of the air - conditioned interior . His lips are immediately dry and cracked . The heat cuts him to the core as fast as it dried his lips , the urge to speak rises in him . He needs to escape this heat , he 's drowning in dryness . He rushes inside hoping that they 'll have air - conditioning . No such luck . The interior of the restaurant is as faded as the exterior . He seats himself , impatiently tapping his foot waiting for the waitress . He can hear the sound of the wind . Not the dry , lifeless wind of the desert , but the damp , alive wind of the storm . It 's calling to him , begging him to call out . He licks his lips with a tongue he can barely feel . He can 't help himself , the desert is antithesis for him . Why had he decided to come here ? To satisfy some adolescent curiosity ? He takes one long , shuttering breath . " The special , two of them , just bring me a pitcher of water . " His throat feels so dry . He has to speak now before he loses his chance . " Hmph ! " With blurry vision he watches her flounce back to the kitchen . He grabs the edge of the table to steady himself . He 's clenching his jaw by the time she comes back with a glass for him . He swallows half of it . The cool liquid fills him , calming him . Vision clears , hands stop shaking , the urge lessening . The torrent of wind in his ears shifts to a gentle breeze . How close had he come ? The waitress turns to leave again , he grabs her arm . " Can I get you anything else ? " She says it in such a way that makes Lawrence wonder if it 's actually a question . She tired of him he can tell . She 's too used to bullying the locals . He doesn 't trying to be nice to her , he just takes out a fifty and lays it on the table . " This is your tip if you keep bringing me pitchers of water . " Her eyes gleam slightly as she stares at the bill on the table . Slowly she puts the pitcher on the table . " Thank you . " He drains the rest of his glass and pours another . He finishes this one in three huge gulps . He doesn 't feel as trapped now , his breathing has evened out . He fills the glass a third time , finishing off the pitcher , but only sips this one . A couple minutes pass , the waitress brings his two specials and another pitcher . Lawrence only picks at his food . Between the desert and the age of the equipment in the diner the food is completely dry . Mainly he just cuts up the food and moves it around on his plate . Mainly he watches the people in the restaurant . He immediately discounts his waitress . Seeing her move around the diner , speaking with her , she 's spent most of her life trying to get away from this place . It 's a pity that she 'd never really feel like she belongs anywhere . An old man sits in another booth . He is weathered , his countenance telling the story of a life in the desert . Despite the heat of the day he 's drinking coffee . Lawrence would have considered him a likely candidate if his research didn 't tell him he is looking for someone younger . Besides the old man doesn 't look like he belongs here , only that he 's gotten used to living here . It 's an old style diner setup , so Lawrence can see the cook behind the half wall separating the kitchen from the dining area . Cook would be a wonderful job for who he 's looking for . The heat rising from the stove providing a fix for the cravings while at work . Though nothing compared to the natural heat of the desert it would do while at work . Unfortunately the cook is wearing a sleeveless shirt that 's plastered to his body with sweat . Lawrence 's heart falls . He 's not close enough to the cook to pick up a flow from him , but the fact that he 's sweating tells him all he needs to know . It 's possible his sources were wrong . It 's not easy to track a Bearer . The burden / gift they bear making it too hard to get a fix on them . He 's about to get up , throwing the contents of his glass down his throat , when the kitchen door swings open and a young man steps through . Lawrence puts his cup down and watches him . Something in the way he moves is different . Somehow his movements come off as light , almost bouncy . Even just clearing dishes from tables , his movements are quick , precise . He wears a t - shirt , jeans , and boots , all are cheap , but he still has an air of status . Lawrence notes that he 's not sweating . He looks up , checking for more stray dishes . Lawrence motions him over . " You finished with this , mister ? " Lawrence inhales and catches the scent of aged stone . " Sorry , mister , I 'm just here for the dishes . You 'll want to try Craiper St . around ten tonight . " He grabs a plate , Lawrence grabs his wrist . Sun … Heat … Dry … Sand … Lawrence pulls his hand away , palm red . Perspiration stands out on the young man 's brow now , fear in his eyes . He slides into the booth across from Lawrence . Lawrence pours another glass of water and waits for the boy to say something . " I 'm on break ! " She throws up her hands and goes back into the kitchen . Tito smiles at Lawrence . " Let 's go outside . " Lawrence downs his water and follows him out and around the diner . " I 'm Benjamin Fuller , but everyone calls me , Tito . Now who the hell are you ? " It 's a fair question . If he doesn 't know what he is then he 's probably really freaked out . Lawrence can 't blame him , he 's been there . " Ha , not likely , man . " Tito looks skeptical , very skeptical . There 's at least fifteen years between them . And while Tito isn 't a full blooded Mexican , Lawrence can tell at least one of his parents is , while Lawrence couldn 't be more white without being an albino . It 's hard to believe . " I don 't mean biologically . I mean spiritually . " Tito 's face is instantly serious . " You can feel it , can 't you ? That subtle , tickling at the back of your brain that makes you feel like you know me , even while at your core I unsettle you . " " Yes . " Tito looks so relieved that it breaks Lawrence 's heart . He knows what it 's like to finally have this explained . Lawrence had spent three years in a mental hospital trying to deal by himself . Tito is a strong young man . " Where is there open desert ? " Tito points down an alley . Lawrence starts walking , Tito doesn 't need to be told to follow , he falls into step next to Lawrence careful not to touch him . They come out the other end of the alley seeing open land . For Lawrence it 's as close to nothing as he ever wants to get . Longing fills Tito 's eyes . " I want to share something with you . Watch out there . " Lawrence takes a deep breath and centers himself . The urge to speak has been growing since they stepped out of the diner , the dryness creeping in to all his dark places . Tito 's hands fly up to cover his ears . " Ah ! What the hell ? " FLASH ! BOOM ! The thunder cuts off any further curses . Tito 's gaze is drawn out to the desert , where black storm clouds have formed out of nowhere . The fear is back in his eyes , he retreats till his back hits the wall to the building . " What have you done ? " " I spoke my Word . We 're Word Bearers , Tito . You have your own . Can you feel it ? Deep in core . " Lawrence can see he 's confused . He 's frightened , overwhelmed . FLASHBOOM ! " You can stop this , Tito . Go ahead . Say your Word . I want to hear it . " " I don 't … I 'm not sure . " Confusion and fear war on Tito 's face . Lawrence hopes he won 't run . He didn 't mean to scare the boy . " Of course you 're sure . You 've known it for centuries , you just haven 't spoken it yet . It 's okay . I 'm here with you . " His first step is hesitant , his second is firm , his third is confident . Lawrence realizes he 's holding his breath . Tito looks up at him , he nods . Tito fixes his gaze on the storm . " " There it is . It 's as quiet as Lawrence 's Word is loud , but no less powerful . It 's so beautiful . As Lawrence watches the storm clouds dissipate a tear rolls down his cheek . 2 Dad suffered even from a sight of blood , and he never killed a hen nor slaughtered a pig . But I was aware that once he had donated his blood in the name of my Mum still , because she 'd had a narrow escape on an operating table then . With me a doctor would have my blood tested in a moment : one , two and it 's done . But first they make you ready for rather a time : take a seat , then have a proper finger chosen , though it is always just the one , then they wipe it with spirits until take somewhat sharp like a mini - scalpel . Not everyone can stand the procedure , but I was not against it when a doctor suggested me having my blood tested . She was a likable one , youngish for her age , not married or divorced , probably . And she had no child , I felt it immediately , she had such a look , barren if you want . Possibly for health reasons she could not bear a child or she didn 't find a right man . Or she could have a particular blood group not to have a child with anyone , that 's why she employed at a doctor 's consulting room to make blood tests . And she urged me to have my blood tested . At first I didn 't mind it , the right thing it is , still she didn 't ask my permission . " Just let 's have your blood tested " , she said and left me . She had many things to do I suppose . In doctor 's smocks they walked hither and thither all the time at a clinic there talking over the heads of those waiting , as if one was dead already . And I was still alive and a nurse was preparing to have my blood tested . While she got me ready she was chattering . She said that men were afraid of blood testing nowadays . More and more they refused to do it and ran away sometimes seeing a drop of blood . And one had nothing to fear , there was a couch behind the curtain in a special emergency to lie low , in case one fainted . She pulled the white curtain aside and showed me a couch with dark green leatherette and I shivered all at once : what for they needed my blood ? She suggested me taking off a jacket and rolling up my sleeve , left or right one , I don 't rMy Bio : Mr . Valery Petrovskiy is a journalist and short story writer from Russia . Не is an English Department graduate at Chuvash State University , Cheboksary , graduated in journalism at VKSch Higher School , Moscow and in psychology at Kazan State Technology University . He has been writing prose since 2005 . Some of his writing has been published in The Scrambler , Rusty Typer , BRICKrethoric , NAP Magazine , Literary Burlesque , The Other Room , Curbside Quotidian , DANSE MACABRE , WidowMoon Press , PRIME MINCER , Apocrypha and Abstractions , The Legendary in the USA , and in Australian " Skive " and " Going Down Swinging " magazines . At the moment he is writer - in - residence at Marco Polo Art Mag . It 's dark in here . That 's because I live at the bottom of the jewellery box along with the other outcasts : the tangled necklace with the broken lobster claw and teddy pendant she got for her eleventh birthday , along with the bracelet that 's missing a couple of gem stones . She always says she will have them repaired but never does , preferring to spend the money on more fashionable pieces instead that imitate Asian and Oriental designs . An untrained eye might imagine that they were found by a back - packer on their travels , but they weren 't . They can be bought from any shop on the high - street , and are merely echoes of worlds she 's never seen . Not all of us down here are broken though . I 'm not , and neither is the engagement ring she got from Mark , ( who eventually cheated on her with Shannon from Reception , ) or the belly bar she took out when she put weight on and decided looked too young for her anyway . The ones at the top who get worn more often pity us , ( ' how boring it must be , ' they say to each other in whispers they think we can 't hear , ' being cooped up down there , month in , month out , ' ) but in a way they 're jealous . As I 've said , you could buy them in their hundreds if you wanted to , and they are without sentimental value like the childhood necklace or the belly bar that reminds her of her wild teens and early twenties . They 're easily replaced and she gives them away when they become outdated - or chucks them if even her younger sister and the charity shops say no , thanks . She doesn 't like Mark 's ring or me , so it isn 't often that her fingers dig through the chunky bangles and strings of beads to bring me to the surface . It happens maybe three or four times a year when she has arranged to visit The Matriarch . The ring doesn 't even get a look in . Why Mark wouldn 't let her give it back to him so that he could give it to someone he did love is beyond us ; at least that way it would have been enjoyed . All the same , seeing as I 'm an heirloom and the ring is eighteen carat white goPerhaps you imagine I get bitter when the voices of the favoured ones float above my head , chattering away about their ventures out of the box : days at work , dinners , dates , parties and who was there , who wasn 't there , what she wore … you get the drift . Or worse , maybe you feel sorry for me . I 'd rather you didn 't . Pity the rest but not me . I 'm not so keen on their weight pressing down on me but I don 't mind the dark . In fact I quite like it . It reminds me of home , my real one , from before I met people . As for being bitter , you can rule that out . I 'm a pearl , darling ; it 's not in my nature . You lot have seen me as a symbol of love for thousands of years and I do try to live up to my name by being kind - although I cannot help but wince sometimes at the irony , given that the first person I ever met died . Don 't look at me like that ; it wasn 't my fault . But that 's why she doesn 't like me . All the same , when you 've being kept in a family for over a century you do take an interest in your present owner , even if it 's not reciprocated , so I enjoy listening to the young ones ' gossip . Let them have their fun while they still can . The best they can hope for is a place in a child 's dressing - up box in just a few , short years so they might as well enjoy it . 2 . Memories . I might be old - fashioned and be from a past that she and you would rather forget , but I 'm not like your kind . I will endure and outlive the others , her - even you . And I never forget . My memory doesn 't grow weak with age , it gets stronger . I can still smell what my home was like ; still feel the movements of the person who found me when he panicked and rushed too quickly to the top , and the urgent , grasping hand of the first , but different person to ever touch me , as though I 'd only stopped smelling and feeling them a minute ago . The memories of my owners and the events in their lives play like the films you are so fond of ; the moment when her grandfather proposed to her grandmother , and the christening of her mother , they are a3 . Before she grew up . I suppose you think it strange that her grandmother , ( or The Matriarch as she jokingly calls her , ) skipped a generation and gave me to someone who doesn 't like me , but it never used to be this way . When she was little and used to visit her grandmother she would ask , ( very politely after giving her a peck on the cheek , ) if she could play with her jewellery box . The answer was always yes , and she would very carefully hunt through the diamonds and gold to find me , pin me to her jumper and wear me for the rest of the time she was there . It became something of a ritual , to the point where her grandmother began to pick me out herself and would put me on the coffee table ready for when she arrived . When she was eighteen , The Matriarch had a heart attack , and fearing that she would never leave hospital , insisted on the girl 's mother driving for two hours to get me , so that she could give me to her personally before it was too late . They were very close , and still are in spite of the distance , for she survived against all the odds . Whenever she goes to see her she always comments on how lovely it is , seeing her granddaughter all grown up , wearing her old brooch that 's always been her favourite . And I was for a time . Traditionally I was only worn for a special or significant occasion , but when she was at college I had the strange but enjoyable experience of being put in her pocket and going with her , and if she felt nervous about something her fingers would slide down to stroke me . Normally I hated people manhandling me , but I didn 't mind in her case - it was better than her biting her nails . It was almost as if she thought that having me with her would stop something bad happening - and I have been viewed as ' lucky . ' Stop sniggering , it 's true . In the days of knights and sword - fighting , we would be worn when the rich and noble went into battle because they thought we would protect them from harm , so don 't laugh at her . It felt good , being wanted , and I have to confess I came in danger You don 't like being reminded of your past - those days of glory when Britain ruled half the world . I think that 's why you apologise so much , and give more than you can afford to charities trying to save the poor and starving around the globe . It 's almost as though you 're trying to make up for all the wrongs done before you were born . And I 've tried to avoid talking about it in case you ran away - I get lonely sometimes and it 's nice having someone to talk to . But you can 't run forever , things have to be faced eventually . Some of you may already know and may already be trying to shut out the sound of my words by turning your thoughts to the plans you 've made for the weekend , but there 'll be a lot of you who don 't . There are lots of happy anecdotes from my owners ' lives I could have told you but this is the one you need to hear : My story . We are not like your kind , but there is one thing we have in common : just as you can 't remember coming out of the womb , we don 't know what it was like being a grain of sand or piece of shell squeezing our way inside an oyster and hardening ; all I remember is being . There were no thoughts , for when you live inside a shell there isn 't a great deal to think about - nothing happens . That probably sounds dull to you but there was no sadness , no pain or death . It was peaceful , just being . I didn 't know this at the time but even nothing has to come to an end eventually : the day would always have come when I would be found . It will be hard for you to understand what it was like being taken out of water , hearing sounds , seeing colours and light - all for the first time . On paper it sounds great , this explosion of life , but the reality was frightening - and even fear was something I had never heard of or felt before . Maybe that 's why your newborns usually cry when they come out , because they 're scared and want to go back . I 'm trying to think of ways to describe how it was to you , and the only way I can think of is for you to imagine an ancient Egyptian being placed in the middle of a supermarket . That might give you a better idea , but even that doesn 't come close . I 've learnt a lot since then - ( I 've had to , I didn 't have any other choice - ) but there 's one thing I 've never been able to get my head around , and that is time . Your lives are ruled by clocks and diaries telling you when deadlines or birthdays are due , but when you have so much time whole years , even decades can pass you by . Forgive me then , if I am a little hazy on dates . What I can tell you is that I was brought to the surface in the late 1800s , which makes me special . There aren 't many of us that come from nature now . Most are made by man in bulk on farms . Things changed . You suddenly became concerned about human life and diving equipment got better . Both meant that the world 's poor no were no longer forced to hold their breaths for comments » I knew that someone important was going to walk into my life at 12 : 15 , just after I normally drink tea and prepare for an slow day working on the horoscope . Now , maybe you might not believe me . After all , I am a professional charlatan . But I knew something was up , because for the last two weeks every prediction I have made actually worked out . It started when I saw Mrs Henderson . She was a fat woman , an unpleasant woman , a great client . Like most people who wanted a reading , she didn 't want the truth . And normally I didn 't give it to her . I pulled out the equipment . It was a plain set . It looked like bone china , but was made in china for a very low price . Mrs Henderson looked impressed anyway . She had a lot of money , and not a lot of sense . Anyway , I started reading the information contained in the tea leafs . And then the world went blank . When I returned to the world , Mrs Henderson was gone . I walked out of the shop I had rented , and another of the shopkeepers came up to me . He was normally an quiet , amicable chap . This time he looked like he wanted to throttle me . " She came out of here . Howling and crying , like you 'd tried to kill her . " he put his face up to mine , " You ever do it again and I 'll . . " " I don 't know what you 're talking about , " and I backed away from him . He stalked off . I walked back to my shop , ready to wait for my next appointment . Mrs Abbot didn 't come . She left a nervous message on my answer phone . At the time I didn 't realise why . Because I had no other clients for the day , I went home . My mouth opened wide . It was such a shock , it seemed like I 'd just been told I was about to die . And then . Then I was in my bed , looking at the ceiling . The police officers had gone . But it felt more real than a dream . It must have been a dream . Yeah , that was what it was , I convinced myself . Although I should have known better . In Ireland you can make a full time living as a psychic . less so in England . The English wouldn 't even pay you if you could predict the lottery . So I also work as a pitchman . Which , if you think about it , is just another way to make a dishonest buck . I walked to the nearest boot sale , and set up . It isn 't too crowded in the morning . And everyone is busy . So I crawl in through the hedge . They don 't know that I 'm there against the rules . I set up . My table is old fashioned . A suitcase with legs you fold out . Like the true pitchmen of the 50 's . My pitch is the worm . They wiggle around my hand , like they are alive . The fools in the crowd gave me money . That is what they are for . She had the longest blondest hair this side of fairyland , and her smile lights up the room like a flashlight . And I knew I am meant to talk to her . Just now . She walked off . I had the sense she is in trouble . She was poorer than she used to be , her clothes were expensive , but last years fashion . I had a feeling I will meet her again . When I got there , there was Mrs Henderson and her husband . Their eyes were red . They had been crying . I couldn 't understand what they were there for . I managed to get them to leave . At first I thought that the gossip would help me . But the truth is , no one wants to go to a psychic that tells them the truth . Life is hard enough . You go to a psychic to hear lies . I made some money as a pitchman , so it didn 't affect me too much . But I kept on having bad dreams . I kept on seeing people I knew in them . Not just that , I saw how they died . Their pain . And I started to write down what I saw . In a book by my bedside cabinet . The extra time I had meant I was drinking more too . It was like I 'd been cursed . But the worst was the Christians . They decided that these dreams were inspired by Satan . They set up the picket line in front of my office . I started to think I should simply leave . On Wednesday , the cleaner came in . She was a nosy parker . And no mistake . Her husband had died a few years back , and she was interested in everything . While it 's not the way she put it , she was very interested in the diary . All the details of the different murders and deaths I 'd seen . All the factual details that no one else other than the murderer could know . She took it to the police , and they read it , and they got their warrant . I arrived back at the normal time , and nothing was different . The book was there . I didn 't notice the surveillance cameras . Not at all . They broke in that night . It wasn 't a dream . And I looked up to them bleary eyed , a gun pointing in my face , and swore . They dragged me towards the back of the car , and I noticed someone had decided to give the press warning . So it was very public . Once in , they took me right there . And kitted me out in fetching jail clothing , since I was still in pyjamas . This was the first time I was in jail , and I can tell you it is not as bad as some people say . There is an odd vinegar smell , hiding other bodily fluids . And it is never quiet . There is always shouting going on , and doors slammed . But it was no worse than some hotels I 've been in while performing . I looked across at my lawyer . Short , thin , balding and bored . The police officer had my diary in front of him . He picked it up . " In it , you 've got the details of dozens of murders . Information the police hasn 't released to the public . Information . . . dare I say it , in some cases that the police didn 't even know themselves . " And that was it . That was the full content of the interview . I was hustled off into the cell , and ended up waiting for days . In telephone conversations with friends , I knew the police were digging up my life . I was given a notebook , and a pen , and I continued to write down my dreams . I thought I might as well . The police would search my cell every now and again , and confiscate them . They even moved me to solitary . Made sure no one could be feeding me this information . Or , presumably , that I wasn 't ordering the killings . But the dreams continued . They were getting worse and worse . Every morning I woke up feeling like I had not slept . I guess at least things looked up , because they took me from prison . They drove me along country lanes , towards a building . I can 't tell you precisely where it was . It just looked like an old school to be honest . You 'd never have guessed it was an intelligence headquarters . They bundled me out into an empty building . You 've heard of the secret prisons . Well , they are true . They dressed me up in a uniform , tagged my ankle , and locked me in a cage . The only thing they gave me was some paper and a pen to write down my dreams . Sometimes people came to research me . They put me in scanners , and gave me all kinds of medical tests . The results were unsurprising . I was just a normal , healthy individual . And that was how it seemed I was destined to live for the rest of my life . Until I started to hear the voices . They were low . Just like someone was talking in the next room . Distant . And I couldn 't make them out . That night I was tossing and turning , and I heard someone shout out my name . I woke up . No one was there . Then I tried to get asleep again , and managed it . But the voice was insistent . Nothing answered me . The guards walked past my cell . But with the dreams and the voices , I was getting no sleep . It started to affect me so badly I would not even eat food . Within a few days I was exhausted . Mentally and physically drained . And I guess that is what the creatures wanted . Because soon they broke through . It 's hard to tell you how it felt . But if you have ever had a moment of shock , when you suddenly feel like you aren 't there , you 'll know . He said his name . And then the voice faded away . But I knew I had to do precisely what he told me . I 'd go mad otherwise . Maybe I was already mad . The opportunity came sooner than I expected . My handlers were getting anxious . I was producing less predictions than normal , and the federal conviction rate was plummeting through the floor . The handlers looked like model citizens . Dark suits , a man and a woman dressed formally , like they were lawyers . They flashed their badge to me . I don 't know why , the fact I was in a prison gave them away . The police officer fell back . You could see him working it through in his mind . Despite the success of my predictions , he settled on the conclusion I was mad . After all , psychic phenomena were impossible . He 'd read that once . I shook my head . But that night , I was thinking about it , and decided that I had to ask . Had to have a conversation , if only for my sanity . When the voices started up , I leaned forward in my bed . I asked the question again . But he would say nothing of use to me . he would only repeatedly ask me to find his killers . Not very useful . Eventually , I managed to coax his name from him . Nigel . Not a very good name for a joke . That was the strange thing . No murder victims of that name came up . Not any time soon . But a week later , a Nigel disappeared . And I realised the truth . I looked through the court reports . He had been killed by stabbing . They wouldn 't let me out of the jail . So all I could do was read the files they brought on him . And I got the feeling that many of the details had been redacted . it was like looking for a haystack in an elephant : messy and not very satisfactory . There were only two people I decided who could have done it . They both had a great deal to gain . At the end of the day , though , there is a limit to what you can do from inside a jail cell . The guards looked sceptically at me when I asked for it . But I was responsible for half the murder arrests in the district for the last six months . So they eventually gave me what I wanted . Especially when I refused to furnish them with any more information . I don 't know if you have ever been to a proper séance . Well , to be honest , most of the time the knocks are from the medium . But this time it was different . Within moments of the séance starting , I was aware that the room was colder . Then the entire board lifted off the table , and flew towards me . It hit the wall a few inches from my face . The room warmed up again . The presence was gone . For a little while . " I didn 't " I replied . I knew that he didn 't believe me . But he would have to show more senior people . And I knew they couldn 't afford to risk me . I went back to bed . For the first time in weeks , I had no bad dreams . I guess Nigel knew I understood his message . I slept very soundly . Until the next morning . But my guards didn 't really understand . Or they did not want to understand . My handler met me in the interview room the next morning . He looked tired . Besides him sat a man I hadn 't seen before . He wore the cleanest , most expensive suit I had seen during my stay at the states pleasure . The man stood up . He walked out of the room . Measured , and without menace . But he didn 't seem to be a man used to dealing with no . My handler shook his head . He didn 't need to tell me the consequences . All of a sudden , I was put on suicide watch . Woken up every thirty minutes to see if I wasn 't dead yet . The heating in my cell surprisingly broke . I knew I was in their hands totally . But I never realised what it was like to displease them . You see , Nigel might be a ghost , but that doesn 't mean he is stupid . He can see what is happening . He knows they are stopping me doing what he wants . And this gets him angry . They first times he acted , it looked like coincidence . The guards chair would tilt under him , depositing him on the floor . Or cups of coffee were not placed firmly enough on the table . The guards were spooked by me . They knew that I was able to see things they could not . But although the guards face became pale , his hand on the trigger was steady and firm . It was too late . The chair slammed into the guard . He dropped to the floor . Then I saw the guards keys float from his pocket . My cell door was unlocked . I walked over to the guard , stripped his clothes off , and changed into his uniform . I thought I didn 't have much of a choice . If I didn 't do what Nigel wanted he would kill me . Every door I came to slid open without me doing anything . It would have been creepy if I didn 't know what was happening . Soon the alarms started to ring out . People would be grabbing their guns , getting ready to shoot me . I could feel my heart trying to escape from my chest . I soon arrived at fire exit . It opened in front of me . I climbed down some steps . Below me , I could see coppers swarming . I continued to walk down . One of the coppers recognised me . I ran in the opposite direction . He took aim , and I could hear the gun explode behind me . But the bullet didn 't pierce my skin like I expected . Instead , it ended in the ground . I reached a police car , and the engine came on without anyone doing anything . Then I went into a store and bought black trousers and a white shirt . Got changed . And walked out of the shopping centre , expecting to be caught at any time . In my pocket there was five hundred dollars . That was all I had in the world , except for an insane ghost . I decided it was time to go to the library . After chatting to the librarian for a few seconds , she walked me over to a computer which had copies of the local papers for the last twenty years . I typed a search . At first I found nothing , but as I expanded the search back I found him . According to the interview , he was found murdered in his bed . He had been asleep . His wife had been charged and convicted of his murder . But she said she was innocent . Nothing came in response . I knew that would happen . It was too much to hope for . It was getting late at night . The librarian was fussing near me . It was time to go . When you are a fugitive , it isn 't as simple to find a place to stay as booking a room in a hotel . I walked round , looking for an empty house . It took me an hour . Occasionally a police car would go past . It made me nervous . At one time it would have been a posh bungalow . But whoever had owned it had been taken to a care home , and it was covered in weeds and neglect . I walked up to the door , and it swings open . That is one of the advantages of your own private poltergeist . Inside it was a mess . But dry and water proof . There was a wood burning stove in one room . The power was off , and Nigel didn 't turn it on . But the water was only off at the mains . It was easy enough to get it working again . In the morning I would have to start the process of searching for Nigel Slater . I knew roughly where he lived . I fell asleep , and woke up hungry and cramped . Outside , I could hear rustling . I peeked through the window , and could see a man dressed only in black . He looked like he was not very friendly . I ducked down , but he must have seen me . He edged towards the door . It was locked , but he slammed it open . I hid behind the sofa . it didn 't help . He walked towards me . I noticed he had a poker in his hand . There was no way he wouldn 't find me . I stood up . I looked over at him . He had a long scar down his face . it seemed like he was used to trouble . And he was straining to start a fight . I did what he said . He followed me . I thought he might hit me at any second . or recognise me . They must have put my picture out into the news by now . I sighed with relief , but knew that my location might be passed onto the police . I decided it was time to get out of the town . I caught a bus , and tried to hide my face . Since I hadn 't had a bath for a few days it was easier than you might think . People did not want to look me in the eyes . I arrived at Nigel 's house six hours latter . It was a solemn house . A plane front garden laid to grass , brick frontage , and white windows . It didn 't look like anyone had ever cared for it . It looked like it was a place to sleep and not to stay . It took me a few minutes to settle down , and watch the street . There was nothing extraordinary about it . A few people walked past , taking little interest in the stranger . After watching for half an hour , I knew there was little information here for me . Talking round the local shops I found out that Nigel had been a quiet man . Few people knew him , past his saying hello . he didn 't seem to have been involved in anything wrong . or indeed in anything at all . I decided that there could only really have been one source of trouble . He must have found out something at work . Something that made him worth more to someone dead than alive . I got some annual reports from his company and studied them . Amazing what is available on the internet these days . There was little of interest . I applied to work at Nigel 's company as a cleaner . it was a big risk . I supplied false references , and knew they would not check them for months . That 's the thing about cleaners . No one takes any notice . So I got the job , and examined the work place thoroughly . It looked like an office . The computers were always on . Once or twice I looked over the shoulder of someone working but it was all gobbledygook to me . To make it worse , I saw my face on the newspaper when I went for food . Sure , I looked a lot different now . I had grown longer hair , a beard , and was thinner . But it was still me . I grew suspicious of other people . Then came my big break . Several people were working in the office late . I overhead them speaking about a billion dollar deal . The company was getting bought out . I checked the internet , and there was something in the trade section . The routine was the same every day . But one of my colleagues had not turned up to work . So I was asked to clean the main office . I did so . But I did more than that , I broke into the file cabinets , and started reading company secrets . But that didn 't save me for long . The next day I arrived at work a few minutes earlier . Something told me that things were wrong . The security guard on the gate was new . He told me to go out to the bosses office . I walked into a small lab , and looked around . There was a window , and I tried to open it . In the distance I could see five police cars . The window wouldn 't open . There was only one way out . And I knew that by now , there would be police officers between me and the door . I looked round to find a chair . Then used it to break the window . The alarm went , and I slid through the empty hole . But I caught my shoulder on a shard of glass . I was bleeding . The police gave up their pretence . Dozens of sirens started up , heading towards the building . I ran through a green space . I knew that there was only one way out of the compound except the front gate . A hole in the fence I had noticed a few days earlier . But over head their was a helicopter . Although I ran like the wind , it wasn 't enough . I could hear the police men getting closer and closer . I turned around and saw two police officers . They both had guns pointed at me . I raised my hands , and they soon had me on the ground . I arrived at my destination a few hours latter . This time they were taking no chances . I arrived at a super maximum prison . Surrounded by barbed wire , dogs , and armed police officers it was obvious I 'd never get out . The next day the interrogation began . Again and Again . Asking me where I had gone . What I had done . I eventually broke down and told them everything . But that didn 't stop them continuing . Maybe what they were doing was no crime . But it was a form of torture . Eventually , the interrogations stopped . They gave me paper . They wanted to go back to how it used to be . But by that time I had got so angry , even when I did have a dream I kept it to myself . I wasn 't there . So all I can do is repeat the report that was made to me . No guarantee it is what happened . Apparently the director of the FBI had been having an extramarital affair . He was in bed that normal , and engaging in exercise at the same time . This was not expected , but what was even more unexpected was the windows opening wide . And the explosions of a gun . The director of the FBI 's gun . But I do know that it made the national news . The assistant director of the FBI resigned . And , to be frank , most of the people in the FBI did not care much about that . But it was fair warning . He didn 't seem to be exactly happy about what had happened . In fact , he stormed in to the visiting room , and let loose a barrage of swear words . I sat there passively , listening to him . When he calmed down sufficiently , he sat down . " Nigel was right . All he wants is his murderer found . But he isn 't going to stop . Not until that is done . Not even if he has to kill someone else to do it . " " No . I am not . Nigel is a threat to you . If you stand in the way , that is . He is a ghost . What can you do to get rid of him ? " The director of the FBI thought for a few seconds . An hour latter , a priest turned up with bell , book and candle . it didn 't work spectacularly . The power went off , the candle blew out , the bell rang , and the book was thrown across the room . The director gestured to the mirror and two toughs walked in . They carried some rope . They tied me to the chair , and lifted a cosh over their heads . Then all hell broke lose . The cosh swung back by itself . it raised into the air , and came down , laying out one of the thugs . The other caught me a glancing blow , but something unseen lifted him from the floor and threw him against the wall . " You have a choice . Director . Help find Nigel 's killer . Or , I think , Nigel will chase you down and gut you like a fish . " Eventually the Director settled down again . He sat in his chair , silently looking at me . I wasn 't a pretty picture . Thin , and in prison coveralls . I must have looked like a real criminal . They let me go that afternoon . Put me in a suit , and told me I was seconded to the FBI . I was even given my own agent . He was tall , thin , and looked every inch the government man . The agent shook his head . He gave nothing away . That was when I knew he wasn 't sent to help me . Just to keep an eye out on me . Nevertheless , I decided that I could use him . Like he wanted to use me . I looked over to him , and told him to get a warrant . We were going to search Nigel 's company . And read every damn bit of paper they had about Sigma . When we arrived at the door , they had their lawyer sorted out already . Someone must have leaked it . He looked like he had cost a lot of money . " I 'm afraid we have the right not to incriminate ourselves . We are asserting that right . Both as a company , and as individuals . So , no , you can ask any questions but we will not answer them . " I was surprised when I found the clue . It was something no one else would have noticed . A single envelope in the bin . It contained an address . I think Nigel must have been helping me . I was drawn to it . But the thing I noticed was the fact the address had a Sigma stamp . Once we were out of the building , I decided to break away from the FBI agent . I knew some things would work better on my own . it was easier said than done . When I tried to go for a walk that night , he insisted on staying right by me . Getting to the address was difficult . I didn 't have a car , I had to take the bus . Most of the journey there wasn 't even that . And it had began to rain . I must have looked odd , walking around town that late at night , soaked . In fact , I surprised no copper stopped me . " Good enough , " I said . Knowing I was lying as I said it . It wasn 't like it was my strong point . The expression on the coppers face showed he thought not either . He stood there behind me his mouth opened , as I shimmied the lock . it opened . I walked in . This was a mistake , I didn 't notice the small CCTV camera , the camera that was hidden in a plug socket . But it was sending my picture right up to the security office . I worked quickly , going up the stairs to the office . I don 't know what I had expected to see . But what I did see looked just like any other office . Even down to the half drunk cup of coffee . I woke up in the boot of a car . I could feel the engine running , and smell burning petrol . It was pick black . The car started off , bumping along the ground . Hitting me from side to side . My hands were tied behind my back . It was lucky I knew a little magic . I got the knot loose without much effort . Then I grovelled around the car to find something , anything that could help me . There was a wrench , which I picked up . I put the rope around my wrists , hiding the fact I was loose . And put the wrench in my pocket . The boot of the car swung open . One of the security guards lifted me out of the boot . He was covered in muscle . My mouth opened wide . That was the last thing I expected to hear . They marched me along the ground and I saw him for the first time . Nigel . Alive . Then the room went strange . Something turned the lights off , and opened the windows . It even raised a chair off the ground . The security guard looked worried for the first time . " For the last month , I have been searching for the person who killed Nigel Slater . You , sir , are Nigel Slater . But it seems your ghost hasn 't got the information you are alive . " But it didn 't work . By the time that the ambulance arrived , Nigel was in a deep coma . It took only a short time after that until the first homicide detective got there . But the truth is , it was fate . No ones fault . Except the murderer . After all , how can Nigel Slater 's ghost come into my dreams unless he is actually killed ? What happened next surprised me . The cops arrested me . Told me I was being held on suspicion of murder . I told them not to be idiots , but they wrote it in their notebooks and not their minds . By that point the clues would be getting stale , so I drove right to the company . But they wouldn 't let me in . it was a police investigation , they said . No dice . I called the FBI agent and asked him to run the full scan on Slater . By the time he had finished I would know every single family member . And all I had to do was interview them . The only clue left to me was Sigma . The company was closed for a few hours , but the managing director wasn 't . Again the FBI came to my rescue . They had the address , and I wasn 't afraid to use it . We walked up the garden path . It wasn 't the most luxurious house that a managing director had ever lived at . But I knocked on the door anyway . I walked in . Behold , the group was all there . The director of the FBI himself . The attorney general . And a four star general . I could feel the back of my assistant straightening up . The Managing Director pressed a button on the TV . It switched on . Nigel Slater 's office . I saw him pick up his glass . Put the chemicals in it . The MD fast forwarded . Nigel killed himself . " Oil . We got him to produce computer models . All the oil reserves . He was so great . . . well , he could produce a program that told us exactly where oil was , just from satellite images . " Just at that moment a dozen armed guards came into the room . Their guns were pointed right at me . I raised my hands , and was soon plunged into the carpet . They searched me . Didn 't find anything interesting . " Yeah . But I don 't think you did it . I don 't think you were that smart . But I don 't know what this being who calls himself Nigel Slater is , " I didn 't struggle . By now , them putting handcuffs on me was almost routine . I just wish I had been able to continue my life as a charlatan . I didn 't know what to say to that . it was true . it was obvious when you think about it . Nigel had told me he was murdered when he was still alive . but no one ever said the soul was bound to the arrow of time . Within a few minutes we had picked up an escort . From what I could tell , they had closed the road down . Only we were travelling that evening . I gulped . It looked like things were just about to head for the worse . The trip to the Whitehouse was the most fraught I had experienced in my life . The director of the FBI was reading faxes and emails in the car . His face was getting more and more pale . " I guess like the English did in WWII . With disinformation . We need to get an Chinese agent and feed him bad info . And I guess Nigel might be your best hope for that . " I guess the FBI director caught on quickly . Because he could go anywhere , Nigel could listen to the Chinese chatter . He could find Chinese agents . Maybe he didn 't know Chinese , but he knew enough to listen in to the English language conversations . It wasn 't a new concept . The CIA had investigated it in the sixties . But they didn 't have a real life ghost , so their experiments failed . This time we had a real ghost . I asked them to pick out the Ouija board again . The séance room was a sight you had never seen in your life . The president and the director of the FBI holding hands , in a dark room . The president of the united states shook his head . You could tell he couldn 't believe what he was seeing . He got up from his seat , and you could almost hear his bones cracking . Over in the corner of the room I could see a computer with satellite images . I could watch the Chinese fleet mobilising in real time . The number of dots that represented aircraft carriers alone was scary . " It will only be a few days before we have to mobilise our own navy . " The wait was excruciating . But suddenly five hours latter , the board started spelling out a name . The FBI director went to work . Within minutes they had the file out . He didn 't look like what you would expect of a Chinese agent . He had long , blonde hair , was dressed in a respectable suit , and had a respectable job . He worked in the old navy base . His job was to work on the files , reading sensitive military information . Including information about resource allocation . Once they checked his bank account the truth became obvious . The FBI director stood up , and paced down the long thin corridor . Then he arrived back in the meeting room with a young woman . She was dressed in military uniform . He explained the plan . It was simple . The Chinese agent needed to think it had all been a hoax . But for that to work , he would have to eat a pack of lies . I wasn 't there , so I can report only what I have been told . The female agent I had been introduced to worked in the old navy headquarters . She worked in the files there . It is a room full of top secret papers . Room might be the wrong word ; it was the size of an aircraft hanger . She worked there , and had spent months being bored . So naturally , she had struck up a conversation with the handsome blonde military attaché . And , the conversation was reciprocated . The director of the FBI looked at her . She didn 't look like much to put the freedom of the world onto . But she was eager . And after being told what to do , she didn 't complain . She saluted . I stood at the back of the room , watching the Director of the FBI feeling out the officer , and knew I would have to talk to Nigel alone . I didn 't trust her . She looked too good to be true with her starched uniform and willing smile . The new agent went into a staff car , to be driven to the headquarters . She looked very lonely in the back of the car . Meanwhile , we walked to the operations room . There was a banks of monitors the length of the room . We could see satellite images of the build up of the Chinese fleet , as well as real time updates of our spies . I nodded . Then looked back over to the screens . I could see our agent depositing the papers in her draw . She phoned up the Chinese agent , and set up dinner . It looked like a glorious feast . Roast duck , with all the trimmings . The doorbell went . She walked over to it , and opened it . She said something , and the Chinese agent walked into the room . After ten minutes of conversation , she walked away . To go to the toilet . He walked over to the draws , and started rummaging . After a few minutes he found the file our agent had left . He took out the smallest camera you have ever seen , and clicked the image . After that , he put the files away . After he left , the confirmation came thick and fast . The Chinese fleet disbanded . It was amazing to see , but they split up within a matter of hours . Soon the sea around Taiwan was empty except for commercial shipping . I guess that if this had been a story that would be it . I would have been given a party , a celebration , and been allowed to leave . After all , I had saved the day . Well , Nigel did leave . I haven 't heard from him since . After they had finished celebrating , a guard collected me , and drove me in a prison van to here . It is a cold concrete cell . I am allowed a TV , and to write carefully vetted letters . I 'm not sure how I will post this , my story . Maybe I will write it under the postage stamp . I guess for an old crook like me , it is fair . But I wish I had been sent to jail for something I did . And not for some trumped up terrorist charge . Currently we only offer payment for one story selected as the feature story in the monthly pdf magazine only . The successful author will be contacted to organise payment via paypal for a $ 5AUD payment . 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The ship swayed and creaked . He feels every bit of it in his body . Taking no chances the crew , damnedable pirates , have chained him with no give . Legs bound in a kneeling position , arms chained to either wall crucifying him to the ship like a perverse figurehead , he 's been their captive long enough to have forgotten the feel of kindness . It is a small blessing that their fear of him keeps his gag in place at all times . It keeps them from coming anywhere near him . The captain learned a long time ago that he gleans all he needs to live from the moisture in the air , the brine in his eyes . During storms , when he is strongest , the captain posts guards with him . They don 't look at him . A terrible hope fills him today . By the movement of the ship and the crew 's curses , he knows that they 're being pursued by another ship . This ship is a runner , fast . There 'd be little concern of capture if the ship did not gain its quickness from being light , gain its lightness from having little room for armaments or supplies . The pursuers have had them going for a week now and they 'd been out of port for at least a month . He knows from the panic in the crew that the food is all but gone . Soon they 'll be too weak to load what small guns are aboard . He 'd be surprised if they could remember how to sight the cannons it 's been so long since the captain has ordered them used . His hope stems from the pirates ' desperation . If they succumb to practicality then they 'll come for him . With frightened hearts and shaking hands , they 'll undo his chains and he 'll get to spend some time under the sky instead of under foot . So he waits for their desperation to bloom practicality . It does not take long . The first mate comes with three guards and the keys . It is always the first mate that comes to get him . The captain coming himself would make him a person that the captain fears , he wouldn 't last long once that got out among the crew . The first mate is the only one he trusts with the keys to his chains . " The captain wants to see you . " He speaks with a unique accent that comes with the ship 's pidgin of French , Spanish , and Greek . His ears hear the gibberish , but his mind provides him with the meaning . Slowly , they unchain his arms from the ship and secure them behind his back . The guards are afraid to touch him , unsure whether he 'll break or they 'll be infected with something . It strikes him as odd how religious some of these men are . Coming onto the deck , sea spray hits him in the face , covers his bare chest . He instantly feels more alive . He stands taller , muscles flex , the chains bite into his skin . They take him to the captain , standing at the aft of the ship . He stands beside the captain looking out at the wide ocean , the only thing marring their perfect view of the horizon the pursuers . The first mate and guards fold themselves into the three other men standing around them . The captain just stands there for a few minutes , ignoring him . This too is done to show the crew he will do this in his own time , to show that the man he keeps below decks does not frighten him . Around the gag , behind the locked mouth plate , he smiles . Only he and the captain know what he is , and he knows that the captain is frightened of that . " I have use of you . " From under his coat he draws out the key that only he is allowed to keep . He inserts into lock for the face plate . " If you hurt this ship my men will stab you and you will die before you can swim for freedom . Like always , yeah ? " He nods . It 's always the same threat . It vaguely occurs to him that this is only a half life . But then , the spirits would kill for half a life . The plate falls away and he spits the wooden wedge from his mouth . His tongue sticks out , tasting the salt in the air . He flexes his jaw , taking in the blue sky , the white clouds , the gentle waves . He smiles at the captain . Other than the crew 's swords there is very little compelling him . Finally , the captain 's annoyance at the delay shows on his face . He focuses on ship on the horizon . He tries not to think of the men on the ship . He knows he will have to answer for his actions one day , but he 's trying to postpone that day for as long as possible . " I 'm fine . Sorry . " The cabby 's eyes dart from the road to the rearview mirror and back . " I 'm good . I 'm okay . " The cabby 's eyes return to the road and stay there , Lawrence was prepared to keep reassuring him for the rest of the drive as long as he didn 't take his eyes off the road . " That jetlag 's a bitch , isn 't it ? " " Yeah , jetlag . " He doesn 't really feel like talking so he looks out the window . What he sees unsettles him so much that he almost closes his eyes again . Outside the cab desert stretched on for miles . When he 'd met the cabby at the airport he 'd been fine . They 'd been in the middle of a city . He preferred the buildings and people to the endless dry expanse . He tried to think of it as a sea of earth but it just made him queasy . He can 't help it , he closes his eyes . " We 're almost there , " the cabby rouses him . " If I 'd of known I wouldn 't have let you sleep at all . You wouldn 't believe how many people fall asleep in my cab from the airport . " The cabby keeps up a steady stream of chitchat for the next few minutes . Lawrence doesn 't say much , but he 's glad for the distraction . " Here we go , buddy . " He pulls up in front of an independent diner . Lawrence can tell the sign was made with care when it was painted , years in the desert sun has faded it badly . " They got good food here ? " " I don 't know . This is my first time here . " He pays the fare and steps out of the air - conditioned interior . His lips are immediately dry and cracked . The heat cuts him to the core as fast as it dried his lips , the urge to speak rises in him . He needs to escape this heat , he 's drowning in dryness . He rushes inside hoping that they 'll have air - conditioning . No such luck . The interior of the restaurant is as faded as the exterior . He seats himself , impatiently tapping his foot waiting for the waitress . He can hear the sound of the wind . Not the dry , lifeless wind of the desert , but the damp , alive wind of the storm . It 's calling to him , begging him to call out . He licks his lips with a tongue he can barely feel . He can 't help himself , the desert is antithesis for him . Why had he decided to come here ? To satisfy some adolescent curiosity ? He takes one long , shuttering breath . " The special , two of them , just bring me a pitcher of water . " His throat feels so dry . He has to speak now before he loses his chance . " Hmph ! " With blurry vision he watches her flounce back to the kitchen . He grabs the edge of the table to steady himself . He 's clenching his jaw by the time she comes back with a glass for him . He swallows half of it . The cool liquid fills him , calming him . Vision clears , hands stop shaking , the urge lessening . The torrent of wind in his ears shifts to a gentle breeze . How close had he come ? The waitress turns to leave again , he grabs her arm . " Can I get you anything else ? " She says it in such a way that makes Lawrence wonder if it 's actually a question . She tired of him he can tell . She 's too used to bullying the locals . He doesn 't trying to be nice to her , he just takes out a fifty and lays it on the table . " This is your tip if you keep bringing me pitchers of water . " Her eyes gleam slightly as she stares at the bill on the table . Slowly she puts the pitcher on the table . " Thank you . " He drains the rest of his glass and pours another . He finishes this one in three huge gulps . He doesn 't feel as trapped now , his breathing has evened out . He fills the glass a third time , finishing off the pitcher , but only sips this one . A couple minutes pass , the waitress brings his two specials and another pitcher . Lawrence only picks at his food . Between the desert and the age of the equipment in the diner the food is completely dry . Mainly he just cuts up the food and moves it around on his plate . Mainly he watches the people in the restaurant . He immediately discounts his waitress . Seeing her move around the diner , speaking with her , she 's spent most of her life trying to get away from this place . It 's a pity that she 'd never really feel like she belongs anywhere . An old man sits in another booth . He is weathered , his countenance telling the story of a life in the desert . Despite the heat of the day he 's drinking coffee . Lawrence would have considered him a likely candidate if his research didn 't tell him he is looking for someone younger . Besides the old man doesn 't look like he belongs here , only that he 's gotten used to living here . It 's an old style diner setup , so Lawrence can see the cook behind the half wall separating the kitchen from the dining area . Cook would be a wonderful job for who he 's looking for . The heat rising from the stove providing a fix for the cravings while at work . Though nothing compared to the natural heat of the desert it would do while at work . Unfortunately the cook is wearing a sleeveless shirt that 's plastered to his body with sweat . Lawrence 's heart falls . He 's not close enough to the cook to pick up a flow from him , but the fact that he 's sweating tells him all he needs to know . It 's possible his sources were wrong . It 's not easy to track a Bearer . The burden / gift they bear making it too hard to get a fix on them . He 's about to get up , throwing the contents of his glass down his throat , when the kitchen door swings open and a young man steps through . Lawrence puts his cup down and watches him . Something in the way he moves is different . Somehow his movements come off as light , almost bouncy . Even just clearing dishes from tables , his movements are quick , precise . He wears a t - shirt , jeans , and boots , all are cheap , but he still has an air of status . Lawrence notes that he 's not sweating . He looks up , checking for more stray dishes . Lawrence motions him over . " You finished with this , mister ? " Lawrence inhales and catches the scent of aged stone . " Sorry , mister , I 'm just here for the dishes . You 'll want to try Craiper St . around ten tonight . " He grabs a plate , Lawrence grabs his wrist . Sun … Heat … Dry … Sand … Lawrence pulls his hand away , palm red . Perspiration stands out on the young man 's brow now , fear in his eyes . He slides into the booth across from Lawrence . Lawrence pours another glass of water and waits for the boy to say something . " I 'm on break ! " She throws up her hands and goes back into the kitchen . Tito smiles at Lawrence . " Let 's go outside . " Lawrence downs his water and follows him out and around the diner . " I 'm Benjamin Fuller , but everyone calls me , Tito . Now who the hell are you ? " It 's a fair question . If he doesn 't know what he is then he 's probably really freaked out . Lawrence can 't blame him , he 's been there . " Ha , not likely , man . " Tito looks skeptical , very skeptical . There 's at least fifteen years between them . And while Tito isn 't a full blooded Mexican , Lawrence can tell at least one of his parents is , while Lawrence couldn 't be more white without being an albino . It 's hard to believe . " I don 't mean biologically . I mean spiritually . " Tito 's face is instantly serious . " You can feel it , can 't you ? That subtle , tickling at the back of your brain that makes you feel like you know me , even while at your core I unsettle you . " " Yes . " Tito looks so relieved that it breaks Lawrence 's heart . He knows what it 's like to finally have this explained . Lawrence had spent three years in a mental hospital trying to deal by himself . Tito is a strong young man . " Where is there open desert ? " Tito points down an alley . Lawrence starts walking , Tito doesn 't need to be told to follow , he falls into step next to Lawrence careful not to touch him . They come out the other end of the alley seeing open land . For Lawrence it 's as close to nothing as he ever wants to get . Longing fills Tito 's eyes . " I want to share something with you . Watch out there . " Lawrence takes a deep breath and centers himself . The urge to speak has been growing since they stepped out of the diner , the dryness creeping in to all his dark places . Tito 's hands fly up to cover his ears . " Ah ! What the hell ? " FLASH ! BOOM ! The thunder cuts off any further curses . Tito 's gaze is drawn out to the desert , where black storm clouds have formed out of nowhere . The fear is back in his eyes , he retreats till his back hits the wall to the building . " What have you done ? " " I spoke my Word . We 're Word Bearers , Tito . You have your own . Can you feel it ? Deep in core . " Lawrence can see he 's confused . He 's frightened , overwhelmed . FLASHBOOM ! " You can stop this , Tito . Go ahead . Say your Word . I want to hear it . " " I don 't … I 'm not sure . " Confusion and fear war on Tito 's face . Lawrence hopes he won 't run . He didn 't mean to scare the boy . " Of course you 're sure . You 've known it for centuries , you just haven 't spoken it yet . It 's okay . I 'm here with you . " His first step is hesitant , his second is firm , his third is confident . Lawrence realizes he 's holding his breath . Tito looks up at him , he nods . Tito fixes his gaze on the storm . " " There it is . It 's as quiet as Lawrence 's Word is loud , but no less powerful . It 's so beautiful . As Lawrence watches the storm clouds dissipate a tear rolls down his cheek . 2 Dad suffered even from a sight of blood , and he never killed a hen nor slaughtered a pig . But I was aware that once he had donated his blood in the name of my Mum still , because she 'd had a narrow escape on an operating table then . With me a doctor would have my blood tested in a moment : one , two and it 's done . But first they make you ready for rather a time : take a seat , then have a proper finger chosen , though it is always just the one , then they wipe it with spirits until take somewhat sharp like a mini - scalpel . Not everyone can stand the procedure , but I was not against it when a doctor suggested me having my blood tested . She was a likable one , youngish for her age , not married or divorced , probably . And she had no child , I felt it immediately , she had such a look , barren if you want . Possibly for health reasons she could not bear a child or she didn 't find a right man . Or she could have a particular blood group not to have a child with anyone , that 's why she employed at a doctor 's consulting room to make blood tests . And she urged me to have my blood tested . At first I didn 't mind it , the right thing it is , still she didn 't ask my permission . " Just let 's have your blood tested " , she said and left me . She had many things to do I suppose . In doctor 's smocks they walked hither and thither all the time at a clinic there talking over the heads of those waiting , as if one was dead already . And I was still alive and a nurse was preparing to have my blood tested . While she got me ready she was chattering . She said that men were afraid of blood testing nowadays . More and more they refused to do it and ran away sometimes seeing a drop of blood . And one had nothing to fear , there was a couch behind the curtain in a special emergency to lie low , in case one fainted . She pulled the white curtain aside and showed me a couch with dark green leatherette and I shivered all at once : what for they needed my blood ? She suggested me taking off a jacket and rolling up my sleeve , left or right one , I don 't rMy Bio : Mr . Valery Petrovskiy is a journalist and short story writer from Russia . Не is an English Department graduate at Chuvash State University , Cheboksary , graduated in journalism at VKSch Higher School , Moscow and in psychology at Kazan State Technology University . He has been writing prose since 2005 . Some of his writing has been published in The Scrambler , Rusty Typer , BRICKrethoric , NAP Magazine , Literary Burlesque , The Other Room , Curbside Quotidian , DANSE MACABRE , WidowMoon Press , PRIME MINCER , Apocrypha and Abstractions , The Legendary in the USA , and in Australian " Skive " and " Going Down Swinging " magazines . At the moment he is writer - in - residence at Marco Polo Art Mag . It 's dark in here . That 's because I live at the bottom of the jewellery box along with the other outcasts : the tangled necklace with the broken lobster claw and teddy pendant she got for her eleventh birthday , along with the bracelet that 's missing a couple of gem stones . She always says she will have them repaired but never does , preferring to spend the money on more fashionable pieces instead that imitate Asian and Oriental designs . An untrained eye might imagine that they were found by a back - packer on their travels , but they weren 't . They can be bought from any shop on the high - street , and are merely echoes of worlds she 's never seen . Not all of us down here are broken though . I 'm not , and neither is the engagement ring she got from Mark , ( who eventually cheated on her with Shannon from Reception , ) or the belly bar she took out when she put weight on and decided looked too young for her anyway . The ones at the top who get worn more often pity us , ( ' how boring it must be , ' they say to each other in whispers they think we can 't hear , ' being cooped up down there , month in , month out , ' ) but in a way they 're jealous . As I 've said , you could buy them in their hundreds if you wanted to , and they are without sentimental value like the childhood necklace or the belly bar that reminds her of her wild teens and early twenties . They 're easily replaced and she gives them away when they become outdated - or chucks them if even her younger sister and the charity shops say no , thanks . She doesn 't like Mark 's ring or me , so it isn 't often that her fingers dig through the chunky bangles and strings of beads to bring me to the surface . It happens maybe three or four times a year when she has arranged to visit The Matriarch . The ring doesn 't even get a look in . Why Mark wouldn 't let her give it back to him so that he could give it to someone he did love is beyond us ; at least that way it would have been enjoyed . All the same , seeing as I 'm an heirloom and the ring is eighteen carat white goPerhaps you imagine I get bitter when the voices of the favoured ones float above my head , chattering away about their ventures out of the box : days at work , dinners , dates , parties and who was there , who wasn 't there , what she wore … you get the drift . Or worse , maybe you feel sorry for me . I 'd rather you didn 't . Pity the rest but not me . I 'm not so keen on their weight pressing down on me but I don 't mind the dark . In fact I quite like it . It reminds me of home , my real one , from before I met people . As for being bitter , you can rule that out . I 'm a pearl , darling ; it 's not in my nature . You lot have seen me as a symbol of love for thousands of years and I do try to live up to my name by being kind - although I cannot help but wince sometimes at the irony , given that the first person I ever met died . Don 't look at me like that ; it wasn 't my fault . But that 's why she doesn 't like me . All the same , when you 've being kept in a family for over a century you do take an interest in your present owner , even if it 's not reciprocated , so I enjoy listening to the young ones ' gossip . Let them have their fun while they still can . The best they can hope for is a place in a child 's dressing - up box in just a few , short years so they might as well enjoy it . 2 . Memories . I might be old - fashioned and be from a past that she and you would rather forget , but I 'm not like your kind . I will endure and outlive the others , her - even you . And I never forget . My memory doesn 't grow weak with age , it gets stronger . I can still smell what my home was like ; still feel the movements of the person who found me when he panicked and rushed too quickly to the top , and the urgent , grasping hand of the first , but different person to ever touch me , as though I 'd only stopped smelling and feeling them a minute ago . The memories of my owners and the events in their lives play like the films you are so fond of ; the moment when her grandfather proposed to her grandmother , and the christening of her mother , they are a3 . Before she grew up . I suppose you think it strange that her grandmother , ( or The Matriarch as she jokingly calls her , ) skipped a generation and gave me to someone who doesn 't like me , but it never used to be this way . When she was little and used to visit her grandmother she would ask , ( very politely after giving her a peck on the cheek , ) if she could play with her jewellery box . The answer was always yes , and she would very carefully hunt through the diamonds and gold to find me , pin me to her jumper and wear me for the rest of the time she was there . It became something of a ritual , to the point where her grandmother began to pick me out herself and would put me on the coffee table ready for when she arrived . When she was eighteen , The Matriarch had a heart attack , and fearing that she would never leave hospital , insisted on the girl 's mother driving for two hours to get me , so that she could give me to her personally before it was too late . They were very close , and still are in spite of the distance , for she survived against all the odds . Whenever she goes to see her she always comments on how lovely it is , seeing her granddaughter all grown up , wearing her old brooch that 's always been her favourite . And I was for a time . Traditionally I was only worn for a special or significant occasion , but when she was at college I had the strange but enjoyable experience of being put in her pocket and going with her , and if she felt nervous about something her fingers would slide down to stroke me . Normally I hated people manhandling me , but I didn 't mind in her case - it was better than her biting her nails . It was almost as if she thought that having me with her would stop something bad happening - and I have been viewed as ' lucky . ' Stop sniggering , it 's true . In the days of knights and sword - fighting , we would be worn when the rich and noble went into battle because they thought we would protect them from harm , so don 't laugh at her . It felt good , being wanted , and I have to confess I came in danger You don 't like being reminded of your past - those days of glory when Britain ruled half the world . I think that 's why you apologise so much , and give more than you can afford to charities trying to save the poor and starving around the globe . It 's almost as though you 're trying to make up for all the wrongs done before you were born . And I 've tried to avoid talking about it in case you ran away - I get lonely sometimes and it 's nice having someone to talk to . But you can 't run forever , things have to be faced eventually . Some of you may already know and may already be trying to shut out the sound of my words by turning your thoughts to the plans you 've made for the weekend , but there 'll be a lot of you who don 't . There are lots of happy anecdotes from my owners ' lives I could have told you but this is the one you need to hear : My story . We are not like your kind , but there is one thing we have in common : just as you can 't remember coming out of the womb , we don 't know what it was like being a grain of sand or piece of shell squeezing our way inside an oyster and hardening ; all I remember is being . There were no thoughts , for when you live inside a shell there isn 't a great deal to think about - nothing happens . That probably sounds dull to you but there was no sadness , no pain or death . It was peaceful , just being . I didn 't know this at the time but even nothing has to come to an end eventually : the day would always have come when I would be found . It will be hard for you to understand what it was like being taken out of water , hearing sounds , seeing colours and light - all for the first time . On paper it sounds great , this explosion of life , but the reality was frightening - and even fear was something I had never heard of or felt before . Maybe that 's why your newborns usually cry when they come out , because they 're scared and want to go back . I 'm trying to think of ways to describe how it was to you , and the only way I can think of is for you to imagine an ancient Egyptian being placed in the middle of a supermarket . That might give you a better idea , but even that doesn 't come close . I 've learnt a lot since then - ( I 've had to , I didn 't have any other choice - ) but there 's one thing I 've never been able to get my head around , and that is time . Your lives are ruled by clocks and diaries telling you when deadlines or birthdays are due , but when you have so much time whole years , even decades can pass you by . Forgive me then , if I am a little hazy on dates . What I can tell you is that I was brought to the surface in the late 1800s , which makes me special . There aren 't many of us that come from nature now . Most are made by man in bulk on farms . Things changed . You suddenly became concerned about human life and diving equipment got better . Both meant that the world 's poor no were no longer forced to hold their breaths for comments » I knew that someone important was going to walk into my life at 12 : 15 , just after I normally drink tea and prepare for an slow day working on the horoscope . Now , maybe you might not believe me . After all , I am a professional charlatan . But I knew something was up , because for the last two weeks every prediction I have made actually worked out . It started when I saw Mrs Henderson . She was a fat woman , an unpleasant woman , a great client . Like most people who wanted a reading , she didn 't want the truth . And normally I didn 't give it to her . I pulled out the equipment . It was a plain set . It looked like bone china , but was made in china for a very low price . Mrs Henderson looked impressed anyway . She had a lot of money , and not a lot of sense . Anyway , I started reading the information contained in the tea leafs . And then the world went blank . When I returned to the world , Mrs Henderson was gone . I walked out of the shop I had rented , and another of the shopkeepers came up to me . He was normally an quiet , amicable chap . This time he looked like he wanted to throttle me . " She came out of here . Howling and crying , like you 'd tried to kill her . " he put his face up to mine , " You ever do it again and I 'll . . " " I don 't know what you 're talking about , " and I backed away from him . He stalked off . I walked back to my shop , ready to wait for my next appointment . Mrs Abbot didn 't come . She left a nervous message on my answer phone . At the time I didn 't realise why . Because I had no other clients for the day , I went home . My mouth opened wide . It was such a shock , it seemed like I 'd just been told I was about to die . And then . Then I was in my bed , looking at the ceiling . The police officers had gone . But it felt more real than a dream . It must have been a dream . Yeah , that was what it was , I convinced myself . Although I should have known better . In Ireland you can make a full time living as a psychic . less so in England . The English wouldn 't even pay you if you could predict the lottery . So I also work as a pitchman . Which , if you think about it , is just another way to make a dishonest buck . I walked to the nearest boot sale , and set up . It isn 't too crowded in the morning . And everyone is busy . So I crawl in through the hedge . They don 't know that I 'm there against the rules . I set up . My table is old fashioned . A suitcase with legs you fold out . Like the true pitchmen of the 50 's . My pitch is the worm . They wiggle around my hand , like they are alive . The fools in the crowd gave me money . That is what they are for . She had the longest blondest hair this side of fairyland , and her smile lights up the room like a flashlight . And I knew I am meant to talk to her . Just now . She walked off . I had the sense she is in trouble . She was poorer than she used to be , her clothes were expensive , but last years fashion . I had a feeling I will meet her again . When I got there , there was Mrs Henderson and her husband . Their eyes were red . They had been crying . I couldn 't understand what they were there for . I managed to get them to leave . At first I thought that the gossip would help me . But the truth is , no one wants to go to a psychic that tells them the truth . Life is hard enough . You go to a psychic to hear lies . I made some money as a pitchman , so it didn 't affect me too much . But I kept on having bad dreams . I kept on seeing people I knew in them . Not just that , I saw how they died . Their pain . And I started to write down what I saw . In a book by my bedside cabinet . The extra time I had meant I was drinking more too . It was like I 'd been cursed . But the worst was the Christians . They decided that these dreams were inspired by Satan . They set up the picket line in front of my office . I started to think I should simply leave . On Wednesday , the cleaner came in . She was a nosy parker . And no mistake . Her husband had died a few years back , and she was interested in everything . While it 's not the way she put it , she was very interested in the diary . All the details of the different murders and deaths I 'd seen . All the factual details that no one else other than the murderer could know . She took it to the police , and they read it , and they got their warrant . I arrived back at the normal time , and nothing was different . The book was there . I didn 't notice the surveillance cameras . Not at all . They broke in that night . It wasn 't a dream . And I looked up to them bleary eyed , a gun pointing in my face , and swore . They dragged me towards the back of the car , and I noticed someone had decided to give the press warning . So it was very public . Once in , they took me right there . And kitted me out in fetching jail clothing , since I was still in pyjamas . This was the first time I was in jail , and I can tell you it is not as bad as some people say . There is an odd vinegar smell , hiding other bodily fluids . And it is never quiet . There is always shouting going on , and doors slammed . But it was no worse than some hotels I 've been in while performing . I looked across at my lawyer . Short , thin , balding and bored . The police officer had my diary in front of him . He picked it up . " In it , you 've got the details of dozens of murders . Information the police hasn 't released to the public . Information . . . dare I say it , in some cases that the police didn 't even know themselves . " And that was it . That was the full content of the interview . I was hustled off into the cell , and ended up waiting for days . In telephone conversations with friends , I knew the police were digging up my life . I was given a notebook , and a pen , and I continued to write down my dreams . I thought I might as well . The police would search my cell every now and again , and confiscate them . They even moved me to solitary . Made sure no one could be feeding me this information . Or , presumably , that I wasn 't ordering the killings . But the dreams continued . They were getting worse and worse . Every morning I woke up feeling like I had not slept . I guess at least things looked up , because they took me from prison . They drove me along country lanes , towards a building . I can 't tell you precisely where it was . It just looked like an old school to be honest . You 'd never have guessed it was an intelligence headquarters . They bundled me out into an empty building . You 've heard of the secret prisons . Well , they are true . They dressed me up in a uniform , tagged my ankle , and locked me in a cage . The only thing they gave me was some paper and a pen to write down my dreams . Sometimes people came to research me . They put me in scanners , and gave me all kinds of medical tests . The results were unsurprising . I was just a normal , healthy individual . And that was how it seemed I was destined to live for the rest of my life . Until I started to hear the voices . They were low . Just like someone was talking in the next room . Distant . And I couldn 't make them out . That night I was tossing and turning , and I heard someone shout out my name . I woke up . No one was there . Then I tried to get asleep again , and managed it . But the voice was insistent . Nothing answered me . The guards walked past my cell . But with the dreams and the voices , I was getting no sleep . It started to affect me so badly I would not even eat food . Within a few days I was exhausted . Mentally and physically drained . And I guess that is what the creatures wanted . Because soon they broke through . It 's hard to tell you how it felt . But if you have ever had a moment of shock , when you suddenly feel like you aren 't there , you 'll know . He said his name . And then the voice faded away . But I knew I had to do precisely what he told me . I 'd go mad otherwise . Maybe I was already mad . The opportunity came sooner than I expected . My handlers were getting anxious . I was producing less predictions than normal , and the federal conviction rate was plummeting through the floor . The handlers looked like model citizens . Dark suits , a man and a woman dressed formally , like they were lawyers . They flashed their badge to me . I don 't know why , the fact I was in a prison gave them away . The police officer fell back . You could see him working it through in his mind . Despite the success of my predictions , he settled on the conclusion I was mad . After all , psychic phenomena were impossible . He 'd read that once . I shook my head . But that night , I was thinking about it , and decided that I had to ask . Had to have a conversation , if only for my sanity . When the voices started up , I leaned forward in my bed . I asked the question again . But he would say nothing of use to me . he would only repeatedly ask me to find his killers . Not very useful . Eventually , I managed to coax his name from him . Nigel . Not a very good name for a joke . That was the strange thing . No murder victims of that name came up . Not any time soon . But a week later , a Nigel disappeared . And I realised the truth . I looked through the court reports . He had been killed by stabbing . They wouldn 't let me out of the jail . So all I could do was read the files they brought on him . And I got the feeling that many of the details had been redacted . it was like looking for a haystack in an elephant : messy and not very satisfactory . There were only two people I decided who could have done it . They both had a great deal to gain . At the end of the day , though , there is a limit to what you can do from inside a jail cell . The guards looked sceptically at me when I asked for it . But I was responsible for half the murder arrests in the district for the last six months . So they eventually gave me what I wanted . Especially when I refused to furnish them with any more information . I don 't know if you have ever been to a proper séance . Well , to be honest , most of the time the knocks are from the medium . But this time it was different . Within moments of the séance starting , I was aware that the room was colder . Then the entire board lifted off the table , and flew towards me . It hit the wall a few inches from my face . The room warmed up again . The presence was gone . For a little while . " I didn 't " I replied . I knew that he didn 't believe me . But he would have to show more senior people . And I knew they couldn 't afford to risk me . I went back to bed . For the first time in weeks , I had no bad dreams . I guess Nigel knew I understood his message . I slept very soundly . Until the next morning . But my guards didn 't really understand . Or they did not want to understand . My handler met me in the interview room the next morning . He looked tired . Besides him sat a man I hadn 't seen before . He wore the cleanest , most expensive suit I had seen during my stay at the states pleasure . The man stood up . He walked out of the room . Measured , and without menace . But he didn 't seem to be a man used to dealing with no . My handler shook his head . He didn 't need to tell me the consequences . All of a sudden , I was put on suicide watch . Woken up every thirty minutes to see if I wasn 't dead yet . The heating in my cell surprisingly broke . I knew I was in their hands totally . But I never realised what it was like to displease them . You see , Nigel might be a ghost , but that doesn 't mean he is stupid . He can see what is happening . He knows they are stopping me doing what he wants . And this gets him angry . They first times he acted , it looked like coincidence . The guards chair would tilt under him , depositing him on the floor . Or cups of coffee were not placed firmly enough on the table . The guards were spooked by me . They knew that I was able to see things they could not . But although the guards face became pale , his hand on the trigger was steady and firm . It was too late . The chair slammed into the guard . He dropped to the floor . Then I saw the guards keys float from his pocket . My cell door was unlocked . I walked over to the guard , stripped his clothes off , and changed into his uniform . I thought I didn 't have much of a choice . If I didn 't do what Nigel wanted he would kill me . Every door I came to slid open without me doing anything . It would have been creepy if I didn 't know what was happening . Soon the alarms started to ring out . People would be grabbing their guns , getting ready to shoot me . I could feel my heart trying to escape from my chest . I soon arrived at fire exit . It opened in front of me . I climbed down some steps . Below me , I could see coppers swarming . I continued to walk down . One of the coppers recognised me . I ran in the opposite direction . He took aim , and I could hear the gun explode behind me . But the bullet didn 't pierce my skin like I expected . Instead , it ended in the ground . I reached a police car , and the engine came on without anyone doing anything . Then I went into a store and bought black trousers and a white shirt . Got changed . And walked out of the shopping centre , expecting to be caught at any time . In my pocket there was five hundred dollars . That was all I had in the world , except for an insane ghost . I decided it was time to go to the library . After chatting to the librarian for a few seconds , she walked me over to a computer which had copies of the local papers for the last twenty years . I typed a search . At first I found nothing , but as I expanded the search back I found him . According to the interview , he was found murdered in his bed . He had been asleep . His wife had been charged and convicted of his murder . But she said she was innocent . Nothing came in response . I knew that would happen . It was too much to hope for . It was getting late at night . The librarian was fussing near me . It was time to go . When you are a fugitive , it isn 't as simple to find a place to stay as booking a room in a hotel . I walked round , looking for an empty house . It took me an hour . Occasionally a police car would go past . It made me nervous . At one time it would have been a posh bungalow . But whoever had owned it had been taken to a care home , and it was covered in weeds and neglect . I walked up to the door , and it swings open . That is one of the advantages of your own private poltergeist . Inside it was a mess . But dry and water proof . There was a wood burning stove in one room . The power was off , and Nigel didn 't turn it on . But the water was only off at the mains . It was easy enough to get it working again . In the morning I would have to start the process of searching for Nigel Slater . I knew roughly where he lived . I fell asleep , and woke up hungry and cramped . Outside , I could hear rustling . I peeked through the window , and could see a man dressed only in black . He looked like he was not very friendly . I ducked down , but he must have seen me . He edged towards the door . It was locked , but he slammed it open . I hid behind the sofa . it didn 't help . He walked towards me . I noticed he had a poker in his hand . There was no way he wouldn 't find me . I stood up . I looked over at him . He had a long scar down his face . it seemed like he was used to trouble . And he was straining to start a fight . I did what he said . He followed me . I thought he might hit me at any second . or recognise me . They must have put my picture out into the news by now . I sighed with relief , but knew that my location might be passed onto the police . I decided it was time to get out of the town . I caught a bus , and tried to hide my face . Since I hadn 't had a bath for a few days it was easier than you might think . People did not want to look me in the eyes . I arrived at Nigel 's house six hours latter . It was a solemn house . A plane front garden laid to grass , brick frontage , and white windows . It didn 't look like anyone had ever cared for it . It looked like it was a place to sleep and not to stay . It took me a few minutes to settle down , and watch the street . There was nothing extraordinary about it . A few people walked past , taking little interest in the stranger . After watching for half an hour , I knew there was little information here for me . Talking round the local shops I found out that Nigel had been a quiet man . Few people knew him , past his saying hello . he didn 't seem to have been involved in anything wrong . or indeed in anything at all . I decided that there could only really have been one source of trouble . He must have found out something at work . Something that made him worth more to someone dead than alive . I got some annual reports from his company and studied them . Amazing what is available on the internet these days . There was little of interest . I applied to work at Nigel 's company as a cleaner . it was a big risk . I supplied false references , and knew they would not check them for months . That 's the thing about cleaners . No one takes any notice . So I got the job , and examined the work place thoroughly . It looked like an office . The computers were always on . Once or twice I looked over the shoulder of someone working but it was all gobbledygook to me . To make it worse , I saw my face on the newspaper when I went for food . Sure , I looked a lot different now . I had grown longer hair , a beard , and was thinner . But it was still me . I grew suspicious of other people . Then came my big break . Several people were working in the office late . I overhead them speaking about a billion dollar deal . The company was getting bought out . I checked the internet , and there was something in the trade section . The routine was the same every day . But one of my colleagues had not turned up to work . So I was asked to clean the main office . I did so . But I did more than that , I broke into the file cabinets , and started reading company secrets . But that didn 't save me for long . The next day I arrived at work a few minutes earlier . Something told me that things were wrong . The security guard on the gate was new . He told me to go out to the bosses office . I walked into a small lab , and looked around . There was a window , and I tried to open it . In the distance I could see five police cars . The window wouldn 't open . There was only one way out . And I knew that by now , there would be police officers between me and the door . I looked round to find a chair . Then used it to break the window . The alarm went , and I slid through the empty hole . But I caught my shoulder on a shard of glass . I was bleeding . The police gave up their pretence . Dozens of sirens started up , heading towards the building . I ran through a green space . I knew that there was only one way out of the compound except the front gate . A hole in the fence I had noticed a few days earlier . But over head their was a helicopter . Although I ran like the wind , it wasn 't enough . I could hear the police men getting closer and closer . I turned around and saw two police officers . They both had guns pointed at me . I raised my hands , and they soon had me on the ground . I arrived at my destination a few hours latter . This time they were taking no chances . I arrived at a super maximum prison . Surrounded by barbed wire , dogs , and armed police officers it was obvious I 'd never get out . The next day the interrogation began . Again and Again . Asking me where I had gone . What I had done . I eventually broke down and told them everything . But that didn 't stop them continuing . Maybe what they were doing was no crime . But it was a form of torture . Eventually , the interrogations stopped . They gave me paper . They wanted to go back to how it used to be . But by that time I had got so angry , even when I did have a dream I kept it to myself . I wasn 't there . So all I can do is repeat the report that was made to me . No guarantee it is what happened . Apparently the director of the FBI had been having an extramarital affair . He was in bed that normal , and engaging in exercise at the same time . This was not expected , but what was even more unexpected was the windows opening wide . And the explosions of a gun . The director of the FBI 's gun . But I do know that it made the national news . The assistant director of the FBI resigned . And , to be frank , most of the people in the FBI did not care much about that . But it was fair warning . He didn 't seem to be exactly happy about what had happened . In fact , he stormed in to the visiting room , and let loose a barrage of swear words . I sat there passively , listening to him . When he calmed down sufficiently , he sat down . " Nigel was right . All he wants is his murderer found . But he isn 't going to stop . Not until that is done . Not even if he has to kill someone else to do it . " " No . I am not . Nigel is a threat to you . If you stand in the way , that is . He is a ghost . What can you do to get rid of him ? " The director of the FBI thought for a few seconds . An hour latter , a priest turned up with bell , book and candle . it didn 't work spectacularly . The power went off , the candle blew out , the bell rang , and the book was thrown across the room . The director gestured to the mirror and two toughs walked in . They carried some rope . They tied me to the chair , and lifted a cosh over their heads . Then all hell broke lose . The cosh swung back by itself . it raised into the air , and came down , laying out one of the thugs . The other caught me a glancing blow , but something unseen lifted him from the floor and threw him against the wall . " You have a choice . Director . Help find Nigel 's killer . Or , I think , Nigel will chase you down and gut you like a fish . " Eventually the Director settled down again . He sat in his chair , silently looking at me . I wasn 't a pretty picture . Thin , and in prison coveralls . I must have looked like a real criminal . They let me go that afternoon . Put me in a suit , and told me I was seconded to the FBI . I was even given my own agent . He was tall , thin , and looked every inch the government man . The agent shook his head . He gave nothing away . That was when I knew he wasn 't sent to help me . Just to keep an eye out on me . Nevertheless , I decided that I could use him . Like he wanted to use me . I looked over to him , and told him to get a warrant . We were going to search Nigel 's company . And read every damn bit of paper they had about Sigma . When we arrived at the door , they had their lawyer sorted out already . Someone must have leaked it . He looked like he had cost a lot of money . " I 'm afraid we have the right not to incriminate ourselves . We are asserting that right . Both as a company , and as individuals . So , no , you can ask any questions but we will not answer them . " I was surprised when I found the clue . It was something no one else would have noticed . A single envelope in the bin . It contained an address . I think Nigel must have been helping me . I was drawn to it . But the thing I noticed was the fact the address had a Sigma stamp . Once we were out of the building , I decided to break away from the FBI agent . I knew some things would work better on my own . it was easier said than done . When I tried to go for a walk that night , he insisted on staying right by me . Getting to the address was difficult . I didn 't have a car , I had to take the bus . Most of the journey there wasn 't even that . And it had began to rain . I must have looked odd , walking around town that late at night , soaked . In fact , I surprised no copper stopped me . " Good enough , " I said . Knowing I was lying as I said it . It wasn 't like it was my strong point . The expression on the coppers face showed he thought not either . He stood there behind me his mouth opened , as I shimmied the lock . it opened . I walked in . This was a mistake , I didn 't notice the small CCTV camera , the camera that was hidden in a plug socket . But it was sending my picture right up to the security office . I worked quickly , going up the stairs to the office . I don 't know what I had expected to see . But what I did see looked just like any other office . Even down to the half drunk cup of coffee . I woke up in the boot of a car . I could feel the engine running , and smell burning petrol . It was pick black . The car started off , bumping along the ground . Hitting me from side to side . My hands were tied behind my back . It was lucky I knew a little magic . I got the knot loose without much effort . Then I grovelled around the car to find something , anything that could help me . There was a wrench , which I picked up . I put the rope around my wrists , hiding the fact I was loose . And put the wrench in my pocket . The boot of the car swung open . One of the security guards lifted me out of the boot . He was covered in muscle . My mouth opened wide . That was the last thing I expected to hear . They marched me along the ground and I saw him for the first time . Nigel . Alive . Then the room went strange . Something turned the lights off , and opened the windows . It even raised a chair off the ground . The security guard looked worried for the first time . " For the last month , I have been searching for the person who killed Nigel Slater . You , sir , are Nigel Slater . But it seems your ghost hasn 't got the information you are alive . " But it didn 't work . By the time that the ambulance arrived , Nigel was in a deep coma . It took only a short time after that until the first homicide detective got there . But the truth is , it was fate . No ones fault . Except the murderer . After all , how can Nigel Slater 's ghost come into my dreams unless he is actually killed ? What happened next surprised me . The cops arrested me . Told me I was being held on suspicion of murder . I told them not to be idiots , but they wrote it in their notebooks and not their minds . By that point the clues would be getting stale , so I drove right to the company . But they wouldn 't let me in . it was a police investigation , they said . No dice . I called the FBI agent and asked him to run the full scan on Slater . By the time he had finished I would know every single family member . And all I had to do was interview them . The only clue left to me was Sigma . The company was closed for a few hours , but the managing director wasn 't . Again the FBI came to my rescue . They had the address , and I wasn 't afraid to use it . We walked up the garden path . It wasn 't the most luxurious house that a managing director had ever lived at . But I knocked on the door anyway . I walked in . Behold , the group was all there . The director of the FBI himself . The attorney general . And a four star general . I could feel the back of my assistant straightening up . The Managing Director pressed a button on the TV . It switched on . Nigel Slater 's office . I saw him pick up his glass . Put the chemicals in it . The MD fast forwarded . Nigel killed himself . " Oil . We got him to produce computer models . All the oil reserves . He was so great . . . well , he could produce a program that told us exactly where oil was , just from satellite images . " Just at that moment a dozen armed guards came into the room . Their guns were pointed right at me . I raised my hands , and was soon plunged into the carpet . They searched me . Didn 't find anything interesting . " Yeah . But I don 't think you did it . I don 't think you were that smart . But I don 't know what this being who calls himself Nigel Slater is , " I didn 't struggle . By now , them putting handcuffs on me was almost routine . I just wish I had been able to continue my life as a charlatan . I didn 't know what to say to that . it was true . it was obvious when you think about it . Nigel had told me he was murdered when he was still alive . but no one ever said the soul was bound to the arrow of time . Within a few minutes we had picked up an escort . From what I could tell , they had closed the road down . Only we were travelling that evening . I gulped . It looked like things were just about to head for the worse . The trip to the Whitehouse was the most fraught I had experienced in my life . The director of the FBI was reading faxes and emails in the car . His face was getting more and more pale . " I guess like the English did in WWII . With disinformation . We need to get an Chinese agent and feed him bad info . And I guess Nigel might be your best hope for that . " I guess the FBI director caught on quickly . Because he could go anywhere , Nigel could listen to the Chinese chatter . He could find Chinese agents . Maybe he didn 't know Chinese , but he knew enough to listen in to the English language conversations . It wasn 't a new concept . The CIA had investigated it in the sixties . But they didn 't have a real life ghost , so their experiments failed . This time we had a real ghost . I asked them to pick out the Ouija board again . The séance room was a sight you had never seen in your life . The president and the director of the FBI holding hands , in a dark room . The president of the united states shook his head . You could tell he couldn 't believe what he was seeing . He got up from his seat , and you could almost hear his bones cracking . Over in the corner of the room I could see a computer with satellite images . I could watch the Chinese fleet mobilising in real time . The number of dots that represented aircraft carriers alone was scary . " It will only be a few days before we have to mobilise our own navy . " The wait was excruciating . But suddenly five hours latter , the board started spelling out a name . The FBI director went to work . Within minutes they had the file out . He didn 't look like what you would expect of a Chinese agent . He had long , blonde hair , was dressed in a respectable suit , and had a respectable job . He worked in the old navy base . His job was to work on the files , reading sensitive military information . Including information about resource allocation . Once they checked his bank account the truth became obvious . The FBI director stood up , and paced down the long thin corridor . Then he arrived back in the meeting room with a young woman . She was dressed in military uniform . He explained the plan . It was simple . The Chinese agent needed to think it had all been a hoax . But for that to work , he would have to eat a pack of lies . I wasn 't there , so I can report only what I have been told . The female agent I had been introduced to worked in the old navy headquarters . She worked in the files there . It is a room full of top secret papers . Room might be the wrong word ; it was the size of an aircraft hanger . She worked there , and had spent months being bored . So naturally , she had struck up a conversation with the handsome blonde military attaché . And , the conversation was reciprocated . The director of the FBI looked at her . She didn 't look like much to put the freedom of the world onto . But she was eager . And after being told what to do , she didn 't complain . She saluted . I stood at the back of the room , watching the Director of the FBI feeling out the officer , and knew I would have to talk to Nigel alone . I didn 't trust her . She looked too good to be true with her starched uniform and willing smile . The new agent went into a staff car , to be driven to the headquarters . She looked very lonely in the back of the car . Meanwhile , we walked to the operations room . There was a banks of monitors the length of the room . We could see satellite images of the build up of the Chinese fleet , as well as real time updates of our spies . I nodded . Then looked back over to the screens . I could see our agent depositing the papers in her draw . She phoned up the Chinese agent , and set up dinner . It looked like a glorious feast . Roast duck , with all the trimmings . The doorbell went . She walked over to it , and opened it . She said something , and the Chinese agent walked into the room . After ten minutes of conversation , she walked away . To go to the toilet . He walked over to the draws , and started rummaging . After a few minutes he found the file our agent had left . He took out the smallest camera you have ever seen , and clicked the image . After that , he put the files away . After he left , the confirmation came thick and fast . The Chinese fleet disbanded . It was amazing to see , but they split up within a matter of hours . Soon the sea around Taiwan was empty except for commercial shipping . I guess that if this had been a story that would be it . I would have been given a party , a celebration , and been allowed to leave . After all , I had saved the day . Well , Nigel did leave . I haven 't heard from him since . After they had finished celebrating , a guard collected me , and drove me in a prison van to here . It is a cold concrete cell . I am allowed a TV , and to write carefully vetted letters . I 'm not sure how I will post this , my story . Maybe I will write it under the postage stamp . I guess for an old crook like me , it is fair . But I wish I had been sent to jail for something I did . And not for some trumped up terrorist charge . Currently we only offer payment for one story selected as the feature story in the monthly pdf magazine only . The successful author will be contacted to organise payment via paypal for a $ 5AUD payment . 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The ship swayed and creaked . He feels every bit of it in his body . Taking no chances the crew , damnedable pirates , have chained him with no give . Legs bound in a kneeling position , arms chained to either wall crucifying him to the ship like a perverse figurehead , he 's been their captive long enough to have forgotten the feel of kindness . It is a small blessing that their fear of him keeps his gag in place at all times . It keeps them from coming anywhere near him . The captain learned a long time ago that he gleans all he needs to live from the moisture in the air , the brine in his eyes . During storms , when he is strongest , the captain posts guards with him . They don 't look at him . A terrible hope fills him today . By the movement of the ship and the crew 's curses , he knows that they 're being pursued by another ship . This ship is a runner , fast . There 'd be little concern of capture if the ship did not gain its quickness from being light , gain its lightness from having little room for armaments or supplies . The pursuers have had them going for a week now and they 'd been out of port for at least a month . He knows from the panic in the crew that the food is all but gone . Soon they 'll be too weak to load what small guns are aboard . He 'd be surprised if they could remember how to sight the cannons it 's been so long since the captain has ordered them used . His hope stems from the pirates ' desperation . If they succumb to practicality then they 'll come for him . With frightened hearts and shaking hands , they 'll undo his chains and he 'll get to spend some time under the sky instead of under foot . So he waits for their desperation to bloom practicality . It does not take long . The first mate comes with three guards and the keys . It is always the first mate that comes to get him . The captain coming himself would make him a person that the captain fears , he wouldn 't last long once that got out among the crew . The first mate is the only one he trusts with the keys to his chains . " The captain wants to see you . " He speaks with a unique accent that comes with the ship 's pidgin of French , Spanish , and Greek . His ears hear the gibberish , but his mind provides him with the meaning . Slowly , they unchain his arms from the ship and secure them behind his back . The guards are afraid to touch him , unsure whether he 'll break or they 'll be infected with something . It strikes him as odd how religious some of these men are . Coming onto the deck , sea spray hits him in the face , covers his bare chest . He instantly feels more alive . He stands taller , muscles flex , the chains bite into his skin . They take him to the captain , standing at the aft of the ship . He stands beside the captain looking out at the wide ocean , the only thing marring their perfect view of the horizon the pursuers . The first mate and guards fold themselves into the three other men standing around them . The captain just stands there for a few minutes , ignoring him . This too is done to show the crew he will do this in his own time , to show that the man he keeps below decks does not frighten him . Around the gag , behind the locked mouth plate , he smiles . Only he and the captain know what he is , and he knows that the captain is frightened of that . " I have use of you . " From under his coat he draws out the key that only he is allowed to keep . He inserts into lock for the face plate . " If you hurt this ship my men will stab you and you will die before you can swim for freedom . Like always , yeah ? " He nods . It 's always the same threat . It vaguely occurs to him that this is only a half life . But then , the spirits would kill for half a life . The plate falls away and he spits the wooden wedge from his mouth . His tongue sticks out , tasting the salt in the air . He flexes his jaw , taking in the blue sky , the white clouds , the gentle waves . He smiles at the captain . Other than the crew 's swords there is very little compelling him . Finally , the captain 's annoyance at the delay shows on his face . He focuses on ship on the horizon . He tries not to think of the men on the ship . He knows he will have to answer for his actions one day , but he 's trying to postpone that day for as long as possible . " I 'm fine . Sorry . " The cabby 's eyes dart from the road to the rearview mirror and back . " I 'm good . I 'm okay . " The cabby 's eyes return to the road and stay there , Lawrence was prepared to keep reassuring him for the rest of the drive as long as he didn 't take his eyes off the road . " That jetlag 's a bitch , isn 't it ? " " Yeah , jetlag . " He doesn 't really feel like talking so he looks out the window . What he sees unsettles him so much that he almost closes his eyes again . Outside the cab desert stretched on for miles . When he 'd met the cabby at the airport he 'd been fine . They 'd been in the middle of a city . He preferred the buildings and people to the endless dry expanse . He tried to think of it as a sea of earth but it just made him queasy . He can 't help it , he closes his eyes . " We 're almost there , " the cabby rouses him . " If I 'd of known I wouldn 't have let you sleep at all . You wouldn 't believe how many people fall asleep in my cab from the airport . " The cabby keeps up a steady stream of chitchat for the next few minutes . Lawrence doesn 't say much , but he 's glad for the distraction . " Here we go , buddy . " He pulls up in front of an independent diner . Lawrence can tell the sign was made with care when it was painted , years in the desert sun has faded it badly . " They got good food here ? " " I don 't know . This is my first time here . " He pays the fare and steps out of the air - conditioned interior . His lips are immediately dry and cracked . The heat cuts him to the core as fast as it dried his lips , the urge to speak rises in him . He needs to escape this heat , he 's drowning in dryness . He rushes inside hoping that they 'll have air - conditioning . No such luck . The interior of the restaurant is as faded as the exterior . He seats himself , impatiently tapping his foot waiting for the waitress . He can hear the sound of the wind . Not the dry , lifeless wind of the desert , but the damp , alive wind of the storm . It 's calling to him , begging him to call out . He licks his lips with a tongue he can barely feel . He can 't help himself , the desert is antithesis for him . Why had he decided to come here ? To satisfy some adolescent curiosity ? He takes one long , shuttering breath . " The special , two of them , just bring me a pitcher of water . " His throat feels so dry . He has to speak now before he loses his chance . " Hmph ! " With blurry vision he watches her flounce back to the kitchen . He grabs the edge of the table to steady himself . He 's clenching his jaw by the time she comes back with a glass for him . He swallows half of it . The cool liquid fills him , calming him . Vision clears , hands stop shaking , the urge lessening . The torrent of wind in his ears shifts to a gentle breeze . How close had he come ? The waitress turns to leave again , he grabs her arm . " Can I get you anything else ? " She says it in such a way that makes Lawrence wonder if it 's actually a question . She tired of him he can tell . She 's too used to bullying the locals . He doesn 't trying to be nice to her , he just takes out a fifty and lays it on the table . " This is your tip if you keep bringing me pitchers of water . " Her eyes gleam slightly as she stares at the bill on the table . Slowly she puts the pitcher on the table . " Thank you . " He drains the rest of his glass and pours another . He finishes this one in three huge gulps . He doesn 't feel as trapped now , his breathing has evened out . He fills the glass a third time , finishing off the pitcher , but only sips this one . A couple minutes pass , the waitress brings his two specials and another pitcher . Lawrence only picks at his food . Between the desert and the age of the equipment in the diner the food is completely dry . Mainly he just cuts up the food and moves it around on his plate . Mainly he watches the people in the restaurant . He immediately discounts his waitress . Seeing her move around the diner , speaking with her , she 's spent most of her life trying to get away from this place . It 's a pity that she 'd never really feel like she belongs anywhere . An old man sits in another booth . He is weathered , his countenance telling the story of a life in the desert . Despite the heat of the day he 's drinking coffee . Lawrence would have considered him a likely candidate if his research didn 't tell him he is looking for someone younger . Besides the old man doesn 't look like he belongs here , only that he 's gotten used to living here . It 's an old style diner setup , so Lawrence can see the cook behind the half wall separating the kitchen from the dining area . Cook would be a wonderful job for who he 's looking for . The heat rising from the stove providing a fix for the cravings while at work . Though nothing compared to the natural heat of the desert it would do while at work . Unfortunately the cook is wearing a sleeveless shirt that 's plastered to his body with sweat . Lawrence 's heart falls . He 's not close enough to the cook to pick up a flow from him , but the fact that he 's sweating tells him all he needs to know . It 's possible his sources were wrong . It 's not easy to track a Bearer . The burden / gift they bear making it too hard to get a fix on them . He 's about to get up , throwing the contents of his glass down his throat , when the kitchen door swings open and a young man steps through . Lawrence puts his cup down and watches him . Something in the way he moves is different . Somehow his movements come off as light , almost bouncy . Even just clearing dishes from tables , his movements are quick , precise . He wears a t - shirt , jeans , and boots , all are cheap , but he still has an air of status . Lawrence notes that he 's not sweating . He looks up , checking for more stray dishes . Lawrence motions him over . " You finished with this , mister ? " Lawrence inhales and catches the scent of aged stone . " Sorry , mister , I 'm just here for the dishes . You 'll want to try Craiper St . around ten tonight . " He grabs a plate , Lawrence grabs his wrist . Sun … Heat … Dry … Sand … Lawrence pulls his hand away , palm red . Perspiration stands out on the young man 's brow now , fear in his eyes . He slides into the booth across from Lawrence . Lawrence pours another glass of water and waits for the boy to say something . " I 'm on break ! " She throws up her hands and goes back into the kitchen . Tito smiles at Lawrence . " Let 's go outside . " Lawrence downs his water and follows him out and around the diner . " I 'm Benjamin Fuller , but everyone calls me , Tito . Now who the hell are you ? " It 's a fair question . If he doesn 't know what he is then he 's probably really freaked out . Lawrence can 't blame him , he 's been there . " Ha , not likely , man . " Tito looks skeptical , very skeptical . There 's at least fifteen years between them . And while Tito isn 't a full blooded Mexican , Lawrence can tell at least one of his parents is , while Lawrence couldn 't be more white without being an albino . It 's hard to believe . " I don 't mean biologically . I mean spiritually . " Tito 's face is instantly serious . " You can feel it , can 't you ? That subtle , tickling at the back of your brain that makes you feel like you know me , even while at your core I unsettle you . " " Yes . " Tito looks so relieved that it breaks Lawrence 's heart . He knows what it 's like to finally have this explained . Lawrence had spent three years in a mental hospital trying to deal by himself . Tito is a strong young man . " Where is there open desert ? " Tito points down an alley . Lawrence starts walking , Tito doesn 't need to be told to follow , he falls into step next to Lawrence careful not to touch him . They come out the other end of the alley seeing open land . For Lawrence it 's as close to nothing as he ever wants to get . Longing fills Tito 's eyes . " I want to share something with you . Watch out there . " Lawrence takes a deep breath and centers himself . The urge to speak has been growing since they stepped out of the diner , the dryness creeping in to all his dark places . Tito 's hands fly up to cover his ears . " Ah ! What the hell ? " FLASH ! BOOM ! The thunder cuts off any further curses . Tito 's gaze is drawn out to the desert , where black storm clouds have formed out of nowhere . The fear is back in his eyes , he retreats till his back hits the wall to the building . " What have you done ? " " I spoke my Word . We 're Word Bearers , Tito . You have your own . Can you feel it ? Deep in core . " Lawrence can see he 's confused . He 's frightened , overwhelmed . FLASHBOOM ! " You can stop this , Tito . Go ahead . Say your Word . I want to hear it . " " I don 't … I 'm not sure . " Confusion and fear war on Tito 's face . Lawrence hopes he won 't run . He didn 't mean to scare the boy . " Of course you 're sure . You 've known it for centuries , you just haven 't spoken it yet . It 's okay . I 'm here with you . " His first step is hesitant , his second is firm , his third is confident . Lawrence realizes he 's holding his breath . Tito looks up at him , he nods . Tito fixes his gaze on the storm . " " There it is . It 's as quiet as Lawrence 's Word is loud , but no less powerful . It 's so beautiful . As Lawrence watches the storm clouds dissipate a tear rolls down his cheek . 2 Dad suffered even from a sight of blood , and he never killed a hen nor slaughtered a pig . But I was aware that once he had donated his blood in the name of my Mum still , because she 'd had a narrow escape on an operating table then . With me a doctor would have my blood tested in a moment : one , two and it 's done . But first they make you ready for rather a time : take a seat , then have a proper finger chosen , though it is always just the one , then they wipe it with spirits until take somewhat sharp like a mini - scalpel . Not everyone can stand the procedure , but I was not against it when a doctor suggested me having my blood tested . She was a likable one , youngish for her age , not married or divorced , probably . And she had no child , I felt it immediately , she had such a look , barren if you want . Possibly for health reasons she could not bear a child or she didn 't find a right man . Or she could have a particular blood group not to have a child with anyone , that 's why she employed at a doctor 's consulting room to make blood tests . And she urged me to have my blood tested . At first I didn 't mind it , the right thing it is , still she didn 't ask my permission . " Just let 's have your blood tested " , she said and left me . She had many things to do I suppose . In doctor 's smocks they walked hither and thither all the time at a clinic there talking over the heads of those waiting , as if one was dead already . And I was still alive and a nurse was preparing to have my blood tested . While she got me ready she was chattering . She said that men were afraid of blood testing nowadays . More and more they refused to do it and ran away sometimes seeing a drop of blood . And one had nothing to fear , there was a couch behind the curtain in a special emergency to lie low , in case one fainted . She pulled the white curtain aside and showed me a couch with dark green leatherette and I shivered all at once : what for they needed my blood ? She suggested me taking off a jacket and rolling up my sleeve , left or right one , I don 't rMy Bio : Mr . Valery Petrovskiy is a journalist and short story writer from Russia . Не is an English Department graduate at Chuvash State University , Cheboksary , graduated in journalism at VKSch Higher School , Moscow and in psychology at Kazan State Technology University . He has been writing prose since 2005 . Some of his writing has been published in The Scrambler , Rusty Typer , BRICKrethoric , NAP Magazine , Literary Burlesque , The Other Room , Curbside Quotidian , DANSE MACABRE , WidowMoon Press , PRIME MINCER , Apocrypha and Abstractions , The Legendary in the USA , and in Australian " Skive " and " Going Down Swinging " magazines . At the moment he is writer - in - residence at Marco Polo Art Mag . It 's dark in here . That 's because I live at the bottom of the jewellery box along with the other outcasts : the tangled necklace with the broken lobster claw and teddy pendant she got for her eleventh birthday , along with the bracelet that 's missing a couple of gem stones . She always says she will have them repaired but never does , preferring to spend the money on more fashionable pieces instead that imitate Asian and Oriental designs . An untrained eye might imagine that they were found by a back - packer on their travels , but they weren 't . They can be bought from any shop on the high - street , and are merely echoes of worlds she 's never seen . Not all of us down here are broken though . I 'm not , and neither is the engagement ring she got from Mark , ( who eventually cheated on her with Shannon from Reception , ) or the belly bar she took out when she put weight on and decided looked too young for her anyway . The ones at the top who get worn more often pity us , ( ' how boring it must be , ' they say to each other in whispers they think we can 't hear , ' being cooped up down there , month in , month out , ' ) but in a way they 're jealous . As I 've said , you could buy them in their hundreds if you wanted to , and they are without sentimental value like the childhood necklace or the belly bar that reminds her of her wild teens and early twenties . They 're easily replaced and she gives them away when they become outdated - or chucks them if even her younger sister and the charity shops say no , thanks . She doesn 't like Mark 's ring or me , so it isn 't often that her fingers dig through the chunky bangles and strings of beads to bring me to the surface . It happens maybe three or four times a year when she has arranged to visit The Matriarch . The ring doesn 't even get a look in . Why Mark wouldn 't let her give it back to him so that he could give it to someone he did love is beyond us ; at least that way it would have been enjoyed . All the same , seeing as I 'm an heirloom and the ring is eighteen carat white goPerhaps you imagine I get bitter when the voices of the favoured ones float above my head , chattering away about their ventures out of the box : days at work , dinners , dates , parties and who was there , who wasn 't there , what she wore … you get the drift . Or worse , maybe you feel sorry for me . I 'd rather you didn 't . Pity the rest but not me . I 'm not so keen on their weight pressing down on me but I don 't mind the dark . In fact I quite like it . It reminds me of home , my real one , from before I met people . As for being bitter , you can rule that out . I 'm a pearl , darling ; it 's not in my nature . You lot have seen me as a symbol of love for thousands of years and I do try to live up to my name by being kind - although I cannot help but wince sometimes at the irony , given that the first person I ever met died . Don 't look at me like that ; it wasn 't my fault . But that 's why she doesn 't like me . All the same , when you 've being kept in a family for over a century you do take an interest in your present owner , even if it 's not reciprocated , so I enjoy listening to the young ones ' gossip . Let them have their fun while they still can . The best they can hope for is a place in a child 's dressing - up box in just a few , short years so they might as well enjoy it . 2 . Memories . I might be old - fashioned and be from a past that she and you would rather forget , but I 'm not like your kind . I will endure and outlive the others , her - even you . And I never forget . My memory doesn 't grow weak with age , it gets stronger . I can still smell what my home was like ; still feel the movements of the person who found me when he panicked and rushed too quickly to the top , and the urgent , grasping hand of the first , but different person to ever touch me , as though I 'd only stopped smelling and feeling them a minute ago . The memories of my owners and the events in their lives play like the films you are so fond of ; the moment when her grandfather proposed to her grandmother , and the christening of her mother , they are a3 . Before she grew up . I suppose you think it strange that her grandmother , ( or The Matriarch as she jokingly calls her , ) skipped a generation and gave me to someone who doesn 't like me , but it never used to be this way . When she was little and used to visit her grandmother she would ask , ( very politely after giving her a peck on the cheek , ) if she could play with her jewellery box . The answer was always yes , and she would very carefully hunt through the diamonds and gold to find me , pin me to her jumper and wear me for the rest of the time she was there . It became something of a ritual , to the point where her grandmother began to pick me out herself and would put me on the coffee table ready for when she arrived . When she was eighteen , The Matriarch had a heart attack , and fearing that she would never leave hospital , insisted on the girl 's mother driving for two hours to get me , so that she could give me to her personally before it was too late . They were very close , and still are in spite of the distance , for she survived against all the odds . Whenever she goes to see her she always comments on how lovely it is , seeing her granddaughter all grown up , wearing her old brooch that 's always been her favourite . And I was for a time . Traditionally I was only worn for a special or significant occasion , but when she was at college I had the strange but enjoyable experience of being put in her pocket and going with her , and if she felt nervous about something her fingers would slide down to stroke me . Normally I hated people manhandling me , but I didn 't mind in her case - it was better than her biting her nails . It was almost as if she thought that having me with her would stop something bad happening - and I have been viewed as ' lucky . ' Stop sniggering , it 's true . In the days of knights and sword - fighting , we would be worn when the rich and noble went into battle because they thought we would protect them from harm , so don 't laugh at her . It felt good , being wanted , and I have to confess I came in danger You don 't like being reminded of your past - those days of glory when Britain ruled half the world . I think that 's why you apologise so much , and give more than you can afford to charities trying to save the poor and starving around the globe . It 's almost as though you 're trying to make up for all the wrongs done before you were born . And I 've tried to avoid talking about it in case you ran away - I get lonely sometimes and it 's nice having someone to talk to . But you can 't run forever , things have to be faced eventually . Some of you may already know and may already be trying to shut out the sound of my words by turning your thoughts to the plans you 've made for the weekend , but there 'll be a lot of you who don 't . There are lots of happy anecdotes from my owners ' lives I could have told you but this is the one you need to hear : My story . We are not like your kind , but there is one thing we have in common : just as you can 't remember coming out of the womb , we don 't know what it was like being a grain of sand or piece of shell squeezing our way inside an oyster and hardening ; all I remember is being . There were no thoughts , for when you live inside a shell there isn 't a great deal to think about - nothing happens . That probably sounds dull to you but there was no sadness , no pain or death . It was peaceful , just being . I didn 't know this at the time but even nothing has to come to an end eventually : the day would always have come when I would be found . It will be hard for you to understand what it was like being taken out of water , hearing sounds , seeing colours and light - all for the first time . On paper it sounds great , this explosion of life , but the reality was frightening - and even fear was something I had never heard of or felt before . Maybe that 's why your newborns usually cry when they come out , because they 're scared and want to go back . I 'm trying to think of ways to describe how it was to you , and the only way I can think of is for you to imagine an ancient Egyptian being placed in the middle of a supermarket . That might give you a better idea , but even that doesn 't come close . I 've learnt a lot since then - ( I 've had to , I didn 't have any other choice - ) but there 's one thing I 've never been able to get my head around , and that is time . Your lives are ruled by clocks and diaries telling you when deadlines or birthdays are due , but when you have so much time whole years , even decades can pass you by . Forgive me then , if I am a little hazy on dates . What I can tell you is that I was brought to the surface in the late 1800s , which makes me special . There aren 't many of us that come from nature now . Most are made by man in bulk on farms . Things changed . You suddenly became concerned about human life and diving equipment got better . Both meant that the world 's poor no were no longer forced to hold their breaths for comments » I knew that someone important was going to walk into my life at 12 : 15 , just after I normally drink tea and prepare for an slow day working on the horoscope . Now , maybe you might not believe me . After all , I am a professional charlatan . But I knew something was up , because for the last two weeks every prediction I have made actually worked out . It started when I saw Mrs Henderson . She was a fat woman , an unpleasant woman , a great client . Like most people who wanted a reading , she didn 't want the truth . And normally I didn 't give it to her . I pulled out the equipment . It was a plain set . It looked like bone china , but was made in china for a very low price . Mrs Henderson looked impressed anyway . She had a lot of money , and not a lot of sense . Anyway , I started reading the information contained in the tea leafs . And then the world went blank . When I returned to the world , Mrs Henderson was gone . I walked out of the shop I had rented , and another of the shopkeepers came up to me . He was normally an quiet , amicable chap . This time he looked like he wanted to throttle me . " She came out of here . Howling and crying , like you 'd tried to kill her . " he put his face up to mine , " You ever do it again and I 'll . . " " I don 't know what you 're talking about , " and I backed away from him . He stalked off . I walked back to my shop , ready to wait for my next appointment . Mrs Abbot didn 't come . She left a nervous message on my answer phone . At the time I didn 't realise why . Because I had no other clients for the day , I went home . My mouth opened wide . It was such a shock , it seemed like I 'd just been told I was about to die . And then . Then I was in my bed , looking at the ceiling . The police officers had gone . But it felt more real than a dream . It must have been a dream . Yeah , that was what it was , I convinced myself . Although I should have known better . In Ireland you can make a full time living as a psychic . less so in England . The English wouldn 't even pay you if you could predict the lottery . So I also work as a pitchman . Which , if you think about it , is just another way to make a dishonest buck . I walked to the nearest boot sale , and set up . It isn 't too crowded in the morning . And everyone is busy . So I crawl in through the hedge . They don 't know that I 'm there against the rules . I set up . My table is old fashioned . A suitcase with legs you fold out . Like the true pitchmen of the 50 's . My pitch is the worm . They wiggle around my hand , like they are alive . The fools in the crowd gave me money . That is what they are for . She had the longest blondest hair this side of fairyland , and her smile lights up the room like a flashlight . And I knew I am meant to talk to her . Just now . She walked off . I had the sense she is in trouble . She was poorer than she used to be , her clothes were expensive , but last years fashion . I had a feeling I will meet her again . When I got there , there was Mrs Henderson and her husband . Their eyes were red . They had been crying . I couldn 't understand what they were there for . I managed to get them to leave . At first I thought that the gossip would help me . But the truth is , no one wants to go to a psychic that tells them the truth . Life is hard enough . You go to a psychic to hear lies . I made some money as a pitchman , so it didn 't affect me too much . But I kept on having bad dreams . I kept on seeing people I knew in them . Not just that , I saw how they died . Their pain . And I started to write down what I saw . In a book by my bedside cabinet . The extra time I had meant I was drinking more too . It was like I 'd been cursed . But the worst was the Christians . They decided that these dreams were inspired by Satan . They set up the picket line in front of my office . I started to think I should simply leave . On Wednesday , the cleaner came in . She was a nosy parker . And no mistake . Her husband had died a few years back , and she was interested in everything . While it 's not the way she put it , she was very interested in the diary . All the details of the different murders and deaths I 'd seen . All the factual details that no one else other than the murderer could know . She took it to the police , and they read it , and they got their warrant . I arrived back at the normal time , and nothing was different . The book was there . I didn 't notice the surveillance cameras . Not at all . They broke in that night . It wasn 't a dream . And I looked up to them bleary eyed , a gun pointing in my face , and swore . They dragged me towards the back of the car , and I noticed someone had decided to give the press warning . So it was very public . Once in , they took me right there . And kitted me out in fetching jail clothing , since I was still in pyjamas . This was the first time I was in jail , and I can tell you it is not as bad as some people say . There is an odd vinegar smell , hiding other bodily fluids . And it is never quiet . There is always shouting going on , and doors slammed . But it was no worse than some hotels I 've been in while performing . I looked across at my lawyer . Short , thin , balding and bored . The police officer had my diary in front of him . He picked it up . " In it , you 've got the details of dozens of murders . Information the police hasn 't released to the public . Information . . . dare I say it , in some cases that the police didn 't even know themselves . " And that was it . That was the full content of the interview . I was hustled off into the cell , and ended up waiting for days . In telephone conversations with friends , I knew the police were digging up my life . I was given a notebook , and a pen , and I continued to write down my dreams . I thought I might as well . The police would search my cell every now and again , and confiscate them . They even moved me to solitary . Made sure no one could be feeding me this information . Or , presumably , that I wasn 't ordering the killings . But the dreams continued . They were getting worse and worse . Every morning I woke up feeling like I had not slept . I guess at least things looked up , because they took me from prison . They drove me along country lanes , towards a building . I can 't tell you precisely where it was . It just looked like an old school to be honest . You 'd never have guessed it was an intelligence headquarters . They bundled me out into an empty building . You 've heard of the secret prisons . Well , they are true . They dressed me up in a uniform , tagged my ankle , and locked me in a cage . The only thing they gave me was some paper and a pen to write down my dreams . Sometimes people came to research me . They put me in scanners , and gave me all kinds of medical tests . The results were unsurprising . I was just a normal , healthy individual . And that was how it seemed I was destined to live for the rest of my life . Until I started to hear the voices . They were low . Just like someone was talking in the next room . Distant . And I couldn 't make them out . That night I was tossing and turning , and I heard someone shout out my name . I woke up . No one was there . Then I tried to get asleep again , and managed it . But the voice was insistent . Nothing answered me . The guards walked past my cell . But with the dreams and the voices , I was getting no sleep . It started to affect me so badly I would not even eat food . Within a few days I was exhausted . Mentally and physically drained . And I guess that is what the creatures wanted . Because soon they broke through . It 's hard to tell you how it felt . But if you have ever had a moment of shock , when you suddenly feel like you aren 't there , you 'll know . He said his name . And then the voice faded away . But I knew I had to do precisely what he told me . I 'd go mad otherwise . Maybe I was already mad . The opportunity came sooner than I expected . My handlers were getting anxious . I was producing less predictions than normal , and the federal conviction rate was plummeting through the floor . The handlers looked like model citizens . Dark suits , a man and a woman dressed formally , like they were lawyers . They flashed their badge to me . I don 't know why , the fact I was in a prison gave them away . The police officer fell back . You could see him working it through in his mind . Despite the success of my predictions , he settled on the conclusion I was mad . After all , psychic phenomena were impossible . He 'd read that once . I shook my head . But that night , I was thinking about it , and decided that I had to ask . Had to have a conversation , if only for my sanity . When the voices started up , I leaned forward in my bed . I asked the question again . But he would say nothing of use to me . he would only repeatedly ask me to find his killers . Not very useful . Eventually , I managed to coax his name from him . Nigel . Not a very good name for a joke . That was the strange thing . No murder victims of that name came up . Not any time soon . But a week later , a Nigel disappeared . And I realised the truth . I looked through the court reports . He had been killed by stabbing . They wouldn 't let me out of the jail . So all I could do was read the files they brought on him . And I got the feeling that many of the details had been redacted . it was like looking for a haystack in an elephant : messy and not very satisfactory . There were only two people I decided who could have done it . They both had a great deal to gain . At the end of the day , though , there is a limit to what you can do from inside a jail cell . The guards looked sceptically at me when I asked for it . But I was responsible for half the murder arrests in the district for the last six months . So they eventually gave me what I wanted . Especially when I refused to furnish them with any more information . I don 't know if you have ever been to a proper séance . Well , to be honest , most of the time the knocks are from the medium . But this time it was different . Within moments of the séance starting , I was aware that the room was colder . Then the entire board lifted off the table , and flew towards me . It hit the wall a few inches from my face . The room warmed up again . The presence was gone . For a little while . " I didn 't " I replied . I knew that he didn 't believe me . But he would have to show more senior people . And I knew they couldn 't afford to risk me . I went back to bed . For the first time in weeks , I had no bad dreams . I guess Nigel knew I understood his message . I slept very soundly . Until the next morning . But my guards didn 't really understand . Or they did not want to understand . My handler met me in the interview room the next morning . He looked tired . Besides him sat a man I hadn 't seen before . He wore the cleanest , most expensive suit I had seen during my stay at the states pleasure . The man stood up . He walked out of the room . Measured , and without menace . But he didn 't seem to be a man used to dealing with no . My handler shook his head . He didn 't need to tell me the consequences . All of a sudden , I was put on suicide watch . Woken up every thirty minutes to see if I wasn 't dead yet . The heating in my cell surprisingly broke . I knew I was in their hands totally . But I never realised what it was like to displease them . You see , Nigel might be a ghost , but that doesn 't mean he is stupid . He can see what is happening . He knows they are stopping me doing what he wants . And this gets him angry . They first times he acted , it looked like coincidence . The guards chair would tilt under him , depositing him on the floor . Or cups of coffee were not placed firmly enough on the table . The guards were spooked by me . They knew that I was able to see things they could not . But although the guards face became pale , his hand on the trigger was steady and firm . It was too late . The chair slammed into the guard . He dropped to the floor . Then I saw the guards keys float from his pocket . My cell door was unlocked . I walked over to the guard , stripped his clothes off , and changed into his uniform . I thought I didn 't have much of a choice . If I didn 't do what Nigel wanted he would kill me . Every door I came to slid open without me doing anything . It would have been creepy if I didn 't know what was happening . Soon the alarms started to ring out . People would be grabbing their guns , getting ready to shoot me . I could feel my heart trying to escape from my chest . I soon arrived at fire exit . It opened in front of me . I climbed down some steps . Below me , I could see coppers swarming . I continued to walk down . One of the coppers recognised me . I ran in the opposite direction . He took aim , and I could hear the gun explode behind me . But the bullet didn 't pierce my skin like I expected . Instead , it ended in the ground . I reached a police car , and the engine came on without anyone doing anything . Then I went into a store and bought black trousers and a white shirt . Got changed . And walked out of the shopping centre , expecting to be caught at any time . In my pocket there was five hundred dollars . That was all I had in the world , except for an insane ghost . I decided it was time to go to the library . After chatting to the librarian for a few seconds , she walked me over to a computer which had copies of the local papers for the last twenty years . I typed a search . At first I found nothing , but as I expanded the search back I found him . According to the interview , he was found murdered in his bed . He had been asleep . His wife had been charged and convicted of his murder . But she said she was innocent . Nothing came in response . I knew that would happen . It was too much to hope for . It was getting late at night . The librarian was fussing near me . It was time to go . When you are a fugitive , it isn 't as simple to find a place to stay as booking a room in a hotel . I walked round , looking for an empty house . It took me an hour . Occasionally a police car would go past . It made me nervous . At one time it would have been a posh bungalow . But whoever had owned it had been taken to a care home , and it was covered in weeds and neglect . I walked up to the door , and it swings open . That is one of the advantages of your own private poltergeist . Inside it was a mess . But dry and water proof . There was a wood burning stove in one room . The power was off , and Nigel didn 't turn it on . But the water was only off at the mains . It was easy enough to get it working again . In the morning I would have to start the process of searching for Nigel Slater . I knew roughly where he lived . I fell asleep , and woke up hungry and cramped . Outside , I could hear rustling . I peeked through the window , and could see a man dressed only in black . He looked like he was not very friendly . I ducked down , but he must have seen me . He edged towards the door . It was locked , but he slammed it open . I hid behind the sofa . it didn 't help . He walked towards me . I noticed he had a poker in his hand . There was no way he wouldn 't find me . I stood up . I looked over at him . He had a long scar down his face . it seemed like he was used to trouble . And he was straining to start a fight . I did what he said . He followed me . I thought he might hit me at any second . or recognise me . They must have put my picture out into the news by now . I sighed with relief , but knew that my location might be passed onto the police . I decided it was time to get out of the town . I caught a bus , and tried to hide my face . Since I hadn 't had a bath for a few days it was easier than you might think . People did not want to look me in the eyes . I arrived at Nigel 's house six hours latter . It was a solemn house . A plane front garden laid to grass , brick frontage , and white windows . It didn 't look like anyone had ever cared for it . It looked like it was a place to sleep and not to stay . It took me a few minutes to settle down , and watch the street . There was nothing extraordinary about it . A few people walked past , taking little interest in the stranger . After watching for half an hour , I knew there was little information here for me . Talking round the local shops I found out that Nigel had been a quiet man . Few people knew him , past his saying hello . he didn 't seem to have been involved in anything wrong . or indeed in anything at all . I decided that there could only really have been one source of trouble . He must have found out something at work . Something that made him worth more to someone dead than alive . I got some annual reports from his company and studied them . Amazing what is available on the internet these days . There was little of interest . I applied to work at Nigel 's company as a cleaner . it was a big risk . I supplied false references , and knew they would not check them for months . That 's the thing about cleaners . No one takes any notice . So I got the job , and examined the work place thoroughly . It looked like an office . The computers were always on . Once or twice I looked over the shoulder of someone working but it was all gobbledygook to me . To make it worse , I saw my face on the newspaper when I went for food . Sure , I looked a lot different now . I had grown longer hair , a beard , and was thinner . But it was still me . I grew suspicious of other people . Then came my big break . Several people were working in the office late . I overhead them speaking about a billion dollar deal . The company was getting bought out . I checked the internet , and there was something in the trade section . The routine was the same every day . But one of my colleagues had not turned up to work . So I was asked to clean the main office . I did so . But I did more than that , I broke into the file cabinets , and started reading company secrets . But that didn 't save me for long . The next day I arrived at work a few minutes earlier . Something told me that things were wrong . The security guard on the gate was new . He told me to go out to the bosses office . I walked into a small lab , and looked around . There was a window , and I tried to open it . In the distance I could see five police cars . The window wouldn 't open . There was only one way out . And I knew that by now , there would be police officers between me and the door . I looked round to find a chair . Then used it to break the window . The alarm went , and I slid through the empty hole . But I caught my shoulder on a shard of glass . I was bleeding . The police gave up their pretence . Dozens of sirens started up , heading towards the building . I ran through a green space . I knew that there was only one way out of the compound except the front gate . A hole in the fence I had noticed a few days earlier . But over head their was a helicopter . Although I ran like the wind , it wasn 't enough . I could hear the police men getting closer and closer . I turned around and saw two police officers . They both had guns pointed at me . I raised my hands , and they soon had me on the ground . I arrived at my destination a few hours latter . This time they were taking no chances . I arrived at a super maximum prison . Surrounded by barbed wire , dogs , and armed police officers it was obvious I 'd never get out . The next day the interrogation began . Again and Again . Asking me where I had gone . What I had done . I eventually broke down and told them everything . But that didn 't stop them continuing . Maybe what they were doing was no crime . But it was a form of torture . Eventually , the interrogations stopped . They gave me paper . They wanted to go back to how it used to be . But by that time I had got so angry , even when I did have a dream I kept it to myself . I wasn 't there . So all I can do is repeat the report that was made to me . No guarantee it is what happened . Apparently the director of the FBI had been having an extramarital affair . He was in bed that normal , and engaging in exercise at the same time . This was not expected , but what was even more unexpected was the windows opening wide . And the explosions of a gun . The director of the FBI 's gun . But I do know that it made the national news . The assistant director of the FBI resigned . And , to be frank , most of the people in the FBI did not care much about that . But it was fair warning . He didn 't seem to be exactly happy about what had happened . In fact , he stormed in to the visiting room , and let loose a barrage of swear words . I sat there passively , listening to him . When he calmed down sufficiently , he sat down . " Nigel was right . All he wants is his murderer found . But he isn 't going to stop . Not until that is done . Not even if he has to kill someone else to do it . " " No . I am not . Nigel is a threat to you . If you stand in the way , that is . He is a ghost . What can you do to get rid of him ? " The director of the FBI thought for a few seconds . An hour latter , a priest turned up with bell , book and candle . it didn 't work spectacularly . The power went off , the candle blew out , the bell rang , and the book was thrown across the room . The director gestured to the mirror and two toughs walked in . They carried some rope . They tied me to the chair , and lifted a cosh over their heads . Then all hell broke lose . The cosh swung back by itself . it raised into the air , and came down , laying out one of the thugs . The other caught me a glancing blow , but something unseen lifted him from the floor and threw him against the wall . " You have a choice . Director . Help find Nigel 's killer . Or , I think , Nigel will chase you down and gut you like a fish . " Eventually the Director settled down again . He sat in his chair , silently looking at me . I wasn 't a pretty picture . Thin , and in prison coveralls . I must have looked like a real criminal . They let me go that afternoon . Put me in a suit , and told me I was seconded to the FBI . I was even given my own agent . He was tall , thin , and looked every inch the government man . The agent shook his head . He gave nothing away . That was when I knew he wasn 't sent to help me . Just to keep an eye out on me . Nevertheless , I decided that I could use him . Like he wanted to use me . I looked over to him , and told him to get a warrant . We were going to search Nigel 's company . And read every damn bit of paper they had about Sigma . When we arrived at the door , they had their lawyer sorted out already . Someone must have leaked it . He looked like he had cost a lot of money . " I 'm afraid we have the right not to incriminate ourselves . We are asserting that right . Both as a company , and as individuals . So , no , you can ask any questions but we will not answer them . " I was surprised when I found the clue . It was something no one else would have noticed . A single envelope in the bin . It contained an address . I think Nigel must have been helping me . I was drawn to it . But the thing I noticed was the fact the address had a Sigma stamp . Once we were out of the building , I decided to break away from the FBI agent . I knew some things would work better on my own . it was easier said than done . When I tried to go for a walk that night , he insisted on staying right by me . Getting to the address was difficult . I didn 't have a car , I had to take the bus . Most of the journey there wasn 't even that . And it had began to rain . I must have looked odd , walking around town that late at night , soaked . In fact , I surprised no copper stopped me . " Good enough , " I said . Knowing I was lying as I said it . It wasn 't like it was my strong point . The expression on the coppers face showed he thought not either . He stood there behind me his mouth opened , as I shimmied the lock . it opened . I walked in . This was a mistake , I didn 't notice the small CCTV camera , the camera that was hidden in a plug socket . But it was sending my picture right up to the security office . I worked quickly , going up the stairs to the office . I don 't know what I had expected to see . But what I did see looked just like any other office . Even down to the half drunk cup of coffee . I woke up in the boot of a car . I could feel the engine running , and smell burning petrol . It was pick black . The car started off , bumping along the ground . Hitting me from side to side . My hands were tied behind my back . It was lucky I knew a little magic . I got the knot loose without much effort . Then I grovelled around the car to find something , anything that could help me . There was a wrench , which I picked up . I put the rope around my wrists , hiding the fact I was loose . And put the wrench in my pocket . The boot of the car swung open . One of the security guards lifted me out of the boot . He was covered in muscle . My mouth opened wide . That was the last thing I expected to hear . They marched me along the ground and I saw him for the first time . Nigel . Alive . Then the room went strange . Something turned the lights off , and opened the windows . It even raised a chair off the ground . The security guard looked worried for the first time . " For the last month , I have been searching for the person who killed Nigel Slater . You , sir , are Nigel Slater . But it seems your ghost hasn 't got the information you are alive . " But it didn 't work . By the time that the ambulance arrived , Nigel was in a deep coma . It took only a short time after that until the first homicide detective got there . But the truth is , it was fate . No ones fault . Except the murderer . After all , how can Nigel Slater 's ghost come into my dreams unless he is actually killed ? What happened next surprised me . The cops arrested me . Told me I was being held on suspicion of murder . I told them not to be idiots , but they wrote it in their notebooks and not their minds . By that point the clues would be getting stale , so I drove right to the company . But they wouldn 't let me in . it was a police investigation , they said . No dice . I called the FBI agent and asked him to run the full scan on Slater . By the time he had finished I would know every single family member . And all I had to do was interview them . The only clue left to me was Sigma . The company was closed for a few hours , but the managing director wasn 't . Again the FBI came to my rescue . They had the address , and I wasn 't afraid to use it . We walked up the garden path . It wasn 't the most luxurious house that a managing director had ever lived at . But I knocked on the door anyway . I walked in . Behold , the group was all there . The director of the FBI himself . The attorney general . And a four star general . I could feel the back of my assistant straightening up . The Managing Director pressed a button on the TV . It switched on . Nigel Slater 's office . I saw him pick up his glass . Put the chemicals in it . The MD fast forwarded . Nigel killed himself . " Oil . We got him to produce computer models . All the oil reserves . He was so great . . . well , he could produce a program that told us exactly where oil was , just from satellite images . " Just at that moment a dozen armed guards came into the room . Their guns were pointed right at me . I raised my hands , and was soon plunged into the carpet . They searched me . Didn 't find anything interesting . " Yeah . But I don 't think you did it . I don 't think you were that smart . But I don 't know what this being who calls himself Nigel Slater is , " I didn 't struggle . By now , them putting handcuffs on me was almost routine . I just wish I had been able to continue my life as a charlatan . I didn 't know what to say to that . it was true . it was obvious when you think about it . Nigel had told me he was murdered when he was still alive . but no one ever said the soul was bound to the arrow of time . Within a few minutes we had picked up an escort . From what I could tell , they had closed the road down . Only we were travelling that evening . I gulped . It looked like things were just about to head for the worse . The trip to the Whitehouse was the most fraught I had experienced in my life . The director of the FBI was reading faxes and emails in the car . His face was getting more and more pale . " I guess like the English did in WWII . With disinformation . We need to get an Chinese agent and feed him bad info . And I guess Nigel might be your best hope for that . " I guess the FBI director caught on quickly . Because he could go anywhere , Nigel could listen to the Chinese chatter . He could find Chinese agents . Maybe he didn 't know Chinese , but he knew enough to listen in to the English language conversations . It wasn 't a new concept . The CIA had investigated it in the sixties . But they didn 't have a real life ghost , so their experiments failed . This time we had a real ghost . I asked them to pick out the Ouija board again . The séance room was a sight you had never seen in your life . The president and the director of the FBI holding hands , in a dark room . The president of the united states shook his head . You could tell he couldn 't believe what he was seeing . He got up from his seat , and you could almost hear his bones cracking . Over in the corner of the room I could see a computer with satellite images . I could watch the Chinese fleet mobilising in real time . The number of dots that represented aircraft carriers alone was scary . " It will only be a few days before we have to mobilise our own navy . " The wait was excruciating . But suddenly five hours latter , the board started spelling out a name . The FBI director went to work . Within minutes they had the file out . He didn 't look like what you would expect of a Chinese agent . He had long , blonde hair , was dressed in a respectable suit , and had a respectable job . He worked in the old navy base . His job was to work on the files , reading sensitive military information . Including information about resource allocation . Once they checked his bank account the truth became obvious . The FBI director stood up , and paced down the long thin corridor . Then he arrived back in the meeting room with a young woman . She was dressed in military uniform . He explained the plan . It was simple . The Chinese agent needed to think it had all been a hoax . But for that to work , he would have to eat a pack of lies . I wasn 't there , so I can report only what I have been told . The female agent I had been introduced to worked in the old navy headquarters . She worked in the files there . It is a room full of top secret papers . Room might be the wrong word ; it was the size of an aircraft hanger . She worked there , and had spent months being bored . So naturally , she had struck up a conversation with the handsome blonde military attaché . And , the conversation was reciprocated . The director of the FBI looked at her . She didn 't look like much to put the freedom of the world onto . But she was eager . And after being told what to do , she didn 't complain . She saluted . I stood at the back of the room , watching the Director of the FBI feeling out the officer , and knew I would have to talk to Nigel alone . I didn 't trust her . She looked too good to be true with her starched uniform and willing smile . The new agent went into a staff car , to be driven to the headquarters . She looked very lonely in the back of the car . Meanwhile , we walked to the operations room . There was a banks of monitors the length of the room . We could see satellite images of the build up of the Chinese fleet , as well as real time updates of our spies . I nodded . Then looked back over to the screens . I could see our agent depositing the papers in her draw . She phoned up the Chinese agent , and set up dinner . It looked like a glorious feast . Roast duck , with all the trimmings . The doorbell went . She walked over to it , and opened it . She said something , and the Chinese agent walked into the room . After ten minutes of conversation , she walked away . To go to the toilet . He walked over to the draws , and started rummaging . After a few minutes he found the file our agent had left . He took out the smallest camera you have ever seen , and clicked the image . After that , he put the files away . After he left , the confirmation came thick and fast . The Chinese fleet disbanded . It was amazing to see , but they split up within a matter of hours . Soon the sea around Taiwan was empty except for commercial shipping . I guess that if this had been a story that would be it . I would have been given a party , a celebration , and been allowed to leave . After all , I had saved the day . Well , Nigel did leave . I haven 't heard from him since . After they had finished celebrating , a guard collected me , and drove me in a prison van to here . It is a cold concrete cell . I am allowed a TV , and to write carefully vetted letters . I 'm not sure how I will post this , my story . Maybe I will write it under the postage stamp . I guess for an old crook like me , it is fair . But I wish I had been sent to jail for something I did . And not for some trumped up terrorist charge . Currently we only offer payment for one story selected as the feature story in the monthly pdf magazine only . The successful author will be contacted to organise payment via paypal for a $ 5AUD payment . 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The ship swayed and creaked . He feels every bit of it in his body . Taking no chances the crew , damnedable pirates , have chained him with no give . Legs bound in a kneeling position , arms chained to either wall crucifying him to the ship like a perverse figurehead , he 's been their captive long enough to have forgotten the feel of kindness . It is a small blessing that their fear of him keeps his gag in place at all times . It keeps them from coming anywhere near him . The captain learned a long time ago that he gleans all he needs to live from the moisture in the air , the brine in his eyes . During storms , when he is strongest , the captain posts guards with him . They don 't look at him . A terrible hope fills him today . By the movement of the ship and the crew 's curses , he knows that they 're being pursued by another ship . This ship is a runner , fast . There 'd be little concern of capture if the ship did not gain its quickness from being light , gain its lightness from having little room for armaments or supplies . The pursuers have had them going for a week now and they 'd been out of port for at least a month . He knows from the panic in the crew that the food is all but gone . Soon they 'll be too weak to load what small guns are aboard . He 'd be surprised if they could remember how to sight the cannons it 's been so long since the captain has ordered them used . His hope stems from the pirates ' desperation . If they succumb to practicality then they 'll come for him . With frightened hearts and shaking hands , they 'll undo his chains and he 'll get to spend some time under the sky instead of under foot . So he waits for their desperation to bloom practicality . It does not take long . The first mate comes with three guards and the keys . It is always the first mate that comes to get him . The captain coming himself would make him a person that the captain fears , he wouldn 't last long once that got out among the crew . The first mate is the only one he trusts with the keys to his chains . " The captain wants to see you . " He speaks with a unique accent that comes with the ship 's pidgin of French , Spanish , and Greek . His ears hear the gibberish , but his mind provides him with the meaning . Slowly , they unchain his arms from the ship and secure them behind his back . The guards are afraid to touch him , unsure whether he 'll break or they 'll be infected with something . It strikes him as odd how religious some of these men are . Coming onto the deck , sea spray hits him in the face , covers his bare chest . He instantly feels more alive . He stands taller , muscles flex , the chains bite into his skin . They take him to the captain , standing at the aft of the ship . He stands beside the captain looking out at the wide ocean , the only thing marring their perfect view of the horizon the pursuers . The first mate and guards fold themselves into the three other men standing around them . The captain just stands there for a few minutes , ignoring him . This too is done to show the crew he will do this in his own time , to show that the man he keeps below decks does not frighten him . Around the gag , behind the locked mouth plate , he smiles . Only he and the captain know what he is , and he knows that the captain is frightened of that . " I have use of you . " From under his coat he draws out the key that only he is allowed to keep . He inserts into lock for the face plate . " If you hurt this ship my men will stab you and you will die before you can swim for freedom . Like always , yeah ? " He nods . It 's always the same threat . It vaguely occurs to him that this is only a half life . But then , the spirits would kill for half a life . The plate falls away and he spits the wooden wedge from his mouth . His tongue sticks out , tasting the salt in the air . He flexes his jaw , taking in the blue sky , the white clouds , the gentle waves . He smiles at the captain . Other than the crew 's swords there is very little compelling him . Finally , the captain 's annoyance at the delay shows on his face . He focuses on ship on the horizon . He tries not to think of the men on the ship . He knows he will have to answer for his actions one day , but he 's trying to postpone that day for as long as possible . " I 'm fine . Sorry . " The cabby 's eyes dart from the road to the rearview mirror and back . " I 'm good . I 'm okay . " The cabby 's eyes return to the road and stay there , Lawrence was prepared to keep reassuring him for the rest of the drive as long as he didn 't take his eyes off the road . " That jetlag 's a bitch , isn 't it ? " " Yeah , jetlag . " He doesn 't really feel like talking so he looks out the window . What he sees unsettles him so much that he almost closes his eyes again . Outside the cab desert stretched on for miles . When he 'd met the cabby at the airport he 'd been fine . They 'd been in the middle of a city . He preferred the buildings and people to the endless dry expanse . He tried to think of it as a sea of earth but it just made him queasy . He can 't help it , he closes his eyes . " We 're almost there , " the cabby rouses him . " If I 'd of known I wouldn 't have let you sleep at all . You wouldn 't believe how many people fall asleep in my cab from the airport . " The cabby keeps up a steady stream of chitchat for the next few minutes . Lawrence doesn 't say much , but he 's glad for the distraction . " Here we go , buddy . " He pulls up in front of an independent diner . Lawrence can tell the sign was made with care when it was painted , years in the desert sun has faded it badly . " They got good food here ? " " I don 't know . This is my first time here . " He pays the fare and steps out of the air - conditioned interior . His lips are immediately dry and cracked . The heat cuts him to the core as fast as it dried his lips , the urge to speak rises in him . He needs to escape this heat , he 's drowning in dryness . He rushes inside hoping that they 'll have air - conditioning . No such luck . The interior of the restaurant is as faded as the exterior . He seats himself , impatiently tapping his foot waiting for the waitress . He can hear the sound of the wind . Not the dry , lifeless wind of the desert , but the damp , alive wind of the storm . It 's calling to him , begging him to call out . He licks his lips with a tongue he can barely feel . He can 't help himself , the desert is antithesis for him . Why had he decided to come here ? To satisfy some adolescent curiosity ? He takes one long , shuttering breath . " The special , two of them , just bring me a pitcher of water . " His throat feels so dry . He has to speak now before he loses his chance . " Hmph ! " With blurry vision he watches her flounce back to the kitchen . He grabs the edge of the table to steady himself . He 's clenching his jaw by the time she comes back with a glass for him . He swallows half of it . The cool liquid fills him , calming him . Vision clears , hands stop shaking , the urge lessening . The torrent of wind in his ears shifts to a gentle breeze . How close had he come ? The waitress turns to leave again , he grabs her arm . " Can I get you anything else ? " She says it in such a way that makes Lawrence wonder if it 's actually a question . She tired of him he can tell . She 's too used to bullying the locals . He doesn 't trying to be nice to her , he just takes out a fifty and lays it on the table . " This is your tip if you keep bringing me pitchers of water . " Her eyes gleam slightly as she stares at the bill on the table . Slowly she puts the pitcher on the table . " Thank you . " He drains the rest of his glass and pours another . He finishes this one in three huge gulps . He doesn 't feel as trapped now , his breathing has evened out . He fills the glass a third time , finishing off the pitcher , but only sips this one . A couple minutes pass , the waitress brings his two specials and another pitcher . Lawrence only picks at his food . Between the desert and the age of the equipment in the diner the food is completely dry . Mainly he just cuts up the food and moves it around on his plate . Mainly he watches the people in the restaurant . He immediately discounts his waitress . Seeing her move around the diner , speaking with her , she 's spent most of her life trying to get away from this place . It 's a pity that she 'd never really feel like she belongs anywhere . An old man sits in another booth . He is weathered , his countenance telling the story of a life in the desert . Despite the heat of the day he 's drinking coffee . Lawrence would have considered him a likely candidate if his research didn 't tell him he is looking for someone younger . Besides the old man doesn 't look like he belongs here , only that he 's gotten used to living here . It 's an old style diner setup , so Lawrence can see the cook behind the half wall separating the kitchen from the dining area . Cook would be a wonderful job for who he 's looking for . The heat rising from the stove providing a fix for the cravings while at work . Though nothing compared to the natural heat of the desert it would do while at work . Unfortunately the cook is wearing a sleeveless shirt that 's plastered to his body with sweat . Lawrence 's heart falls . He 's not close enough to the cook to pick up a flow from him , but the fact that he 's sweating tells him all he needs to know . It 's possible his sources were wrong . It 's not easy to track a Bearer . The burden / gift they bear making it too hard to get a fix on them . He 's about to get up , throwing the contents of his glass down his throat , when the kitchen door swings open and a young man steps through . Lawrence puts his cup down and watches him . Something in the way he moves is different . Somehow his movements come off as light , almost bouncy . Even just clearing dishes from tables , his movements are quick , precise . He wears a t - shirt , jeans , and boots , all are cheap , but he still has an air of status . Lawrence notes that he 's not sweating . He looks up , checking for more stray dishes . Lawrence motions him over . " You finished with this , mister ? " Lawrence inhales and catches the scent of aged stone . " Sorry , mister , I 'm just here for the dishes . You 'll want to try Craiper St . around ten tonight . " He grabs a plate , Lawrence grabs his wrist . Sun … Heat … Dry … Sand … Lawrence pulls his hand away , palm red . Perspiration stands out on the young man 's brow now , fear in his eyes . He slides into the booth across from Lawrence . Lawrence pours another glass of water and waits for the boy to say something . " I 'm on break ! " She throws up her hands and goes back into the kitchen . Tito smiles at Lawrence . " Let 's go outside . " Lawrence downs his water and follows him out and around the diner . " I 'm Benjamin Fuller , but everyone calls me , Tito . Now who the hell are you ? " It 's a fair question . If he doesn 't know what he is then he 's probably really freaked out . Lawrence can 't blame him , he 's been there . " Ha , not likely , man . " Tito looks skeptical , very skeptical . There 's at least fifteen years between them . And while Tito isn 't a full blooded Mexican , Lawrence can tell at least one of his parents is , while Lawrence couldn 't be more white without being an albino . It 's hard to believe . " I don 't mean biologically . I mean spiritually . " Tito 's face is instantly serious . " You can feel it , can 't you ? That subtle , tickling at the back of your brain that makes you feel like you know me , even while at your core I unsettle you . " " Yes . " Tito looks so relieved that it breaks Lawrence 's heart . He knows what it 's like to finally have this explained . Lawrence had spent three years in a mental hospital trying to deal by himself . Tito is a strong young man . " Where is there open desert ? " Tito points down an alley . Lawrence starts walking , Tito doesn 't need to be told to follow , he falls into step next to Lawrence careful not to touch him . They come out the other end of the alley seeing open land . For Lawrence it 's as close to nothing as he ever wants to get . Longing fills Tito 's eyes . " I want to share something with you . Watch out there . " Lawrence takes a deep breath and centers himself . The urge to speak has been growing since they stepped out of the diner , the dryness creeping in to all his dark places . Tito 's hands fly up to cover his ears . " Ah ! What the hell ? " FLASH ! BOOM ! The thunder cuts off any further curses . Tito 's gaze is drawn out to the desert , where black storm clouds have formed out of nowhere . The fear is back in his eyes , he retreats till his back hits the wall to the building . " What have you done ? " " I spoke my Word . We 're Word Bearers , Tito . You have your own . Can you feel it ? Deep in core . " Lawrence can see he 's confused . He 's frightened , overwhelmed . FLASHBOOM ! " You can stop this , Tito . Go ahead . Say your Word . I want to hear it . " " I don 't … I 'm not sure . " Confusion and fear war on Tito 's face . Lawrence hopes he won 't run . He didn 't mean to scare the boy . " Of course you 're sure . You 've known it for centuries , you just haven 't spoken it yet . It 's okay . I 'm here with you . " His first step is hesitant , his second is firm , his third is confident . Lawrence realizes he 's holding his breath . Tito looks up at him , he nods . Tito fixes his gaze on the storm . " " There it is . It 's as quiet as Lawrence 's Word is loud , but no less powerful . It 's so beautiful . As Lawrence watches the storm clouds dissipate a tear rolls down his cheek . 2 Dad suffered even from a sight of blood , and he never killed a hen nor slaughtered a pig . But I was aware that once he had donated his blood in the name of my Mum still , because she 'd had a narrow escape on an operating table then . With me a doctor would have my blood tested in a moment : one , two and it 's done . But first they make you ready for rather a time : take a seat , then have a proper finger chosen , though it is always just the one , then they wipe it with spirits until take somewhat sharp like a mini - scalpel . Not everyone can stand the procedure , but I was not against it when a doctor suggested me having my blood tested . She was a likable one , youngish for her age , not married or divorced , probably . And she had no child , I felt it immediately , she had such a look , barren if you want . Possibly for health reasons she could not bear a child or she didn 't find a right man . Or she could have a particular blood group not to have a child with anyone , that 's why she employed at a doctor 's consulting room to make blood tests . And she urged me to have my blood tested . At first I didn 't mind it , the right thing it is , still she didn 't ask my permission . " Just let 's have your blood tested " , she said and left me . She had many things to do I suppose . In doctor 's smocks they walked hither and thither all the time at a clinic there talking over the heads of those waiting , as if one was dead already . And I was still alive and a nurse was preparing to have my blood tested . While she got me ready she was chattering . She said that men were afraid of blood testing nowadays . More and more they refused to do it and ran away sometimes seeing a drop of blood . And one had nothing to fear , there was a couch behind the curtain in a special emergency to lie low , in case one fainted . She pulled the white curtain aside and showed me a couch with dark green leatherette and I shivered all at once : what for they needed my blood ? She suggested me taking off a jacket and rolling up my sleeve , left or right one , I don 't rMy Bio : Mr . Valery Petrovskiy is a journalist and short story writer from Russia . Не is an English Department graduate at Chuvash State University , Cheboksary , graduated in journalism at VKSch Higher School , Moscow and in psychology at Kazan State Technology University . He has been writing prose since 2005 . Some of his writing has been published in The Scrambler , Rusty Typer , BRICKrethoric , NAP Magazine , Literary Burlesque , The Other Room , Curbside Quotidian , DANSE MACABRE , WidowMoon Press , PRIME MINCER , Apocrypha and Abstractions , The Legendary in the USA , and in Australian " Skive " and " Going Down Swinging " magazines . At the moment he is writer - in - residence at Marco Polo Art Mag . It 's dark in here . That 's because I live at the bottom of the jewellery box along with the other outcasts : the tangled necklace with the broken lobster claw and teddy pendant she got for her eleventh birthday , along with the bracelet that 's missing a couple of gem stones . She always says she will have them repaired but never does , preferring to spend the money on more fashionable pieces instead that imitate Asian and Oriental designs . An untrained eye might imagine that they were found by a back - packer on their travels , but they weren 't . They can be bought from any shop on the high - street , and are merely echoes of worlds she 's never seen . Not all of us down here are broken though . I 'm not , and neither is the engagement ring she got from Mark , ( who eventually cheated on her with Shannon from Reception , ) or the belly bar she took out when she put weight on and decided looked too young for her anyway . The ones at the top who get worn more often pity us , ( ' how boring it must be , ' they say to each other in whispers they think we can 't hear , ' being cooped up down there , month in , month out , ' ) but in a way they 're jealous . As I 've said , you could buy them in their hundreds if you wanted to , and they are without sentimental value like the childhood necklace or the belly bar that reminds her of her wild teens and early twenties . They 're easily replaced and she gives them away when they become outdated - or chucks them if even her younger sister and the charity shops say no , thanks . She doesn 't like Mark 's ring or me , so it isn 't often that her fingers dig through the chunky bangles and strings of beads to bring me to the surface . It happens maybe three or four times a year when she has arranged to visit The Matriarch . The ring doesn 't even get a look in . Why Mark wouldn 't let her give it back to him so that he could give it to someone he did love is beyond us ; at least that way it would have been enjoyed . All the same , seeing as I 'm an heirloom and the ring is eighteen carat white goPerhaps you imagine I get bitter when the voices of the favoured ones float above my head , chattering away about their ventures out of the box : days at work , dinners , dates , parties and who was there , who wasn 't there , what she wore … you get the drift . Or worse , maybe you feel sorry for me . I 'd rather you didn 't . Pity the rest but not me . I 'm not so keen on their weight pressing down on me but I don 't mind the dark . In fact I quite like it . It reminds me of home , my real one , from before I met people . As for being bitter , you can rule that out . I 'm a pearl , darling ; it 's not in my nature . You lot have seen me as a symbol of love for thousands of years and I do try to live up to my name by being kind - although I cannot help but wince sometimes at the irony , given that the first person I ever met died . Don 't look at me like that ; it wasn 't my fault . But that 's why she doesn 't like me . All the same , when you 've being kept in a family for over a century you do take an interest in your present owner , even if it 's not reciprocated , so I enjoy listening to the young ones ' gossip . Let them have their fun while they still can . The best they can hope for is a place in a child 's dressing - up box in just a few , short years so they might as well enjoy it . 2 . Memories . I might be old - fashioned and be from a past that she and you would rather forget , but I 'm not like your kind . I will endure and outlive the others , her - even you . And I never forget . My memory doesn 't grow weak with age , it gets stronger . I can still smell what my home was like ; still feel the movements of the person who found me when he panicked and rushed too quickly to the top , and the urgent , grasping hand of the first , but different person to ever touch me , as though I 'd only stopped smelling and feeling them a minute ago . The memories of my owners and the events in their lives play like the films you are so fond of ; the moment when her grandfather proposed to her grandmother , and the christening of her mother , they are a3 . Before she grew up . I suppose you think it strange that her grandmother , ( or The Matriarch as she jokingly calls her , ) skipped a generation and gave me to someone who doesn 't like me , but it never used to be this way . When she was little and used to visit her grandmother she would ask , ( very politely after giving her a peck on the cheek , ) if she could play with her jewellery box . The answer was always yes , and she would very carefully hunt through the diamonds and gold to find me , pin me to her jumper and wear me for the rest of the time she was there . It became something of a ritual , to the point where her grandmother began to pick me out herself and would put me on the coffee table ready for when she arrived . When she was eighteen , The Matriarch had a heart attack , and fearing that she would never leave hospital , insisted on the girl 's mother driving for two hours to get me , so that she could give me to her personally before it was too late . They were very close , and still are in spite of the distance , for she survived against all the odds . Whenever she goes to see her she always comments on how lovely it is , seeing her granddaughter all grown up , wearing her old brooch that 's always been her favourite . And I was for a time . Traditionally I was only worn for a special or significant occasion , but when she was at college I had the strange but enjoyable experience of being put in her pocket and going with her , and if she felt nervous about something her fingers would slide down to stroke me . Normally I hated people manhandling me , but I didn 't mind in her case - it was better than her biting her nails . It was almost as if she thought that having me with her would stop something bad happening - and I have been viewed as ' lucky . ' Stop sniggering , it 's true . In the days of knights and sword - fighting , we would be worn when the rich and noble went into battle because they thought we would protect them from harm , so don 't laugh at her . It felt good , being wanted , and I have to confess I came in danger You don 't like being reminded of your past - those days of glory when Britain ruled half the world . I think that 's why you apologise so much , and give more than you can afford to charities trying to save the poor and starving around the globe . It 's almost as though you 're trying to make up for all the wrongs done before you were born . And I 've tried to avoid talking about it in case you ran away - I get lonely sometimes and it 's nice having someone to talk to . But you can 't run forever , things have to be faced eventually . Some of you may already know and may already be trying to shut out the sound of my words by turning your thoughts to the plans you 've made for the weekend , but there 'll be a lot of you who don 't . There are lots of happy anecdotes from my owners ' lives I could have told you but this is the one you need to hear : My story . We are not like your kind , but there is one thing we have in common : just as you can 't remember coming out of the womb , we don 't know what it was like being a grain of sand or piece of shell squeezing our way inside an oyster and hardening ; all I remember is being . There were no thoughts , for when you live inside a shell there isn 't a great deal to think about - nothing happens . That probably sounds dull to you but there was no sadness , no pain or death . It was peaceful , just being . I didn 't know this at the time but even nothing has to come to an end eventually : the day would always have come when I would be found . It will be hard for you to understand what it was like being taken out of water , hearing sounds , seeing colours and light - all for the first time . On paper it sounds great , this explosion of life , but the reality was frightening - and even fear was something I had never heard of or felt before . Maybe that 's why your newborns usually cry when they come out , because they 're scared and want to go back . I 'm trying to think of ways to describe how it was to you , and the only way I can think of is for you to imagine an ancient Egyptian being placed in the middle of a supermarket . That might give you a better idea , but even that doesn 't come close . I 've learnt a lot since then - ( I 've had to , I didn 't have any other choice - ) but there 's one thing I 've never been able to get my head around , and that is time . Your lives are ruled by clocks and diaries telling you when deadlines or birthdays are due , but when you have so much time whole years , even decades can pass you by . Forgive me then , if I am a little hazy on dates . What I can tell you is that I was brought to the surface in the late 1800s , which makes me special . There aren 't many of us that come from nature now . Most are made by man in bulk on farms . Things changed . You suddenly became concerned about human life and diving equipment got better . Both meant that the world 's poor no were no longer forced to hold their breaths for comments » I knew that someone important was going to walk into my life at 12 : 15 , just after I normally drink tea and prepare for an slow day working on the horoscope . Now , maybe you might not believe me . After all , I am a professional charlatan . But I knew something was up , because for the last two weeks every prediction I have made actually worked out . It started when I saw Mrs Henderson . She was a fat woman , an unpleasant woman , a great client . Like most people who wanted a reading , she didn 't want the truth . And normally I didn 't give it to her . I pulled out the equipment . It was a plain set . It looked like bone china , but was made in china for a very low price . Mrs Henderson looked impressed anyway . She had a lot of money , and not a lot of sense . Anyway , I started reading the information contained in the tea leafs . And then the world went blank . When I returned to the world , Mrs Henderson was gone . I walked out of the shop I had rented , and another of the shopkeepers came up to me . He was normally an quiet , amicable chap . This time he looked like he wanted to throttle me . " She came out of here . Howling and crying , like you 'd tried to kill her . " he put his face up to mine , " You ever do it again and I 'll . . " " I don 't know what you 're talking about , " and I backed away from him . He stalked off . I walked back to my shop , ready to wait for my next appointment . Mrs Abbot didn 't come . She left a nervous message on my answer phone . At the time I didn 't realise why . Because I had no other clients for the day , I went home . My mouth opened wide . It was such a shock , it seemed like I 'd just been told I was about to die . And then . Then I was in my bed , looking at the ceiling . The police officers had gone . But it felt more real than a dream . It must have been a dream . Yeah , that was what it was , I convinced myself . Although I should have known better . In Ireland you can make a full time living as a psychic . less so in England . The English wouldn 't even pay you if you could predict the lottery . So I also work as a pitchman . Which , if you think about it , is just another way to make a dishonest buck . I walked to the nearest boot sale , and set up . It isn 't too crowded in the morning . And everyone is busy . So I crawl in through the hedge . They don 't know that I 'm there against the rules . I set up . My table is old fashioned . A suitcase with legs you fold out . Like the true pitchmen of the 50 's . My pitch is the worm . They wiggle around my hand , like they are alive . The fools in the crowd gave me money . That is what they are for . She had the longest blondest hair this side of fairyland , and her smile lights up the room like a flashlight . And I knew I am meant to talk to her . Just now . She walked off . I had the sense she is in trouble . She was poorer than she used to be , her clothes were expensive , but last years fashion . I had a feeling I will meet her again . When I got there , there was Mrs Henderson and her husband . Their eyes were red . They had been crying . I couldn 't understand what they were there for . I managed to get them to leave . At first I thought that the gossip would help me . But the truth is , no one wants to go to a psychic that tells them the truth . Life is hard enough . You go to a psychic to hear lies . I made some money as a pitchman , so it didn 't affect me too much . But I kept on having bad dreams . I kept on seeing people I knew in them . Not just that , I saw how they died . Their pain . And I started to write down what I saw . In a book by my bedside cabinet . The extra time I had meant I was drinking more too . It was like I 'd been cursed . But the worst was the Christians . They decided that these dreams were inspired by Satan . They set up the picket line in front of my office . I started to think I should simply leave . On Wednesday , the cleaner came in . She was a nosy parker . And no mistake . Her husband had died a few years back , and she was interested in everything . While it 's not the way she put it , she was very interested in the diary . All the details of the different murders and deaths I 'd seen . All the factual details that no one else other than the murderer could know . She took it to the police , and they read it , and they got their warrant . I arrived back at the normal time , and nothing was different . The book was there . I didn 't notice the surveillance cameras . Not at all . They broke in that night . It wasn 't a dream . And I looked up to them bleary eyed , a gun pointing in my face , and swore . They dragged me towards the back of the car , and I noticed someone had decided to give the press warning . So it was very public . Once in , they took me right there . And kitted me out in fetching jail clothing , since I was still in pyjamas . This was the first time I was in jail , and I can tell you it is not as bad as some people say . There is an odd vinegar smell , hiding other bodily fluids . And it is never quiet . There is always shouting going on , and doors slammed . But it was no worse than some hotels I 've been in while performing . I looked across at my lawyer . Short , thin , balding and bored . The police officer had my diary in front of him . He picked it up . " In it , you 've got the details of dozens of murders . Information the police hasn 't released to the public . Information . . . dare I say it , in some cases that the police didn 't even know themselves . " And that was it . That was the full content of the interview . I was hustled off into the cell , and ended up waiting for days . In telephone conversations with friends , I knew the police were digging up my life . I was given a notebook , and a pen , and I continued to write down my dreams . I thought I might as well . The police would search my cell every now and again , and confiscate them . They even moved me to solitary . Made sure no one could be feeding me this information . Or , presumably , that I wasn 't ordering the killings . But the dreams continued . They were getting worse and worse . Every morning I woke up feeling like I had not slept . I guess at least things looked up , because they took me from prison . They drove me along country lanes , towards a building . I can 't tell you precisely where it was . It just looked like an old school to be honest . You 'd never have guessed it was an intelligence headquarters . They bundled me out into an empty building . You 've heard of the secret prisons . Well , they are true . They dressed me up in a uniform , tagged my ankle , and locked me in a cage . The only thing they gave me was some paper and a pen to write down my dreams . Sometimes people came to research me . They put me in scanners , and gave me all kinds of medical tests . The results were unsurprising . I was just a normal , healthy individual . And that was how it seemed I was destined to live for the rest of my life . Until I started to hear the voices . They were low . Just like someone was talking in the next room . Distant . And I couldn 't make them out . That night I was tossing and turning , and I heard someone shout out my name . I woke up . No one was there . Then I tried to get asleep again , and managed it . But the voice was insistent . Nothing answered me . The guards walked past my cell . But with the dreams and the voices , I was getting no sleep . It started to affect me so badly I would not even eat food . Within a few days I was exhausted . Mentally and physically drained . And I guess that is what the creatures wanted . Because soon they broke through . It 's hard to tell you how it felt . But if you have ever had a moment of shock , when you suddenly feel like you aren 't there , you 'll know . He said his name . And then the voice faded away . But I knew I had to do precisely what he told me . I 'd go mad otherwise . Maybe I was already mad . The opportunity came sooner than I expected . My handlers were getting anxious . I was producing less predictions than normal , and the federal conviction rate was plummeting through the floor . The handlers looked like model citizens . Dark suits , a man and a woman dressed formally , like they were lawyers . They flashed their badge to me . I don 't know why , the fact I was in a prison gave them away . The police officer fell back . You could see him working it through in his mind . Despite the success of my predictions , he settled on the conclusion I was mad . After all , psychic phenomena were impossible . He 'd read that once . I shook my head . But that night , I was thinking about it , and decided that I had to ask . Had to have a conversation , if only for my sanity . When the voices started up , I leaned forward in my bed . I asked the question again . But he would say nothing of use to me . he would only repeatedly ask me to find his killers . Not very useful . Eventually , I managed to coax his name from him . Nigel . Not a very good name for a joke . That was the strange thing . No murder victims of that name came up . Not any time soon . But a week later , a Nigel disappeared . And I realised the truth . I looked through the court reports . He had been killed by stabbing . They wouldn 't let me out of the jail . So all I could do was read the files they brought on him . And I got the feeling that many of the details had been redacted . it was like looking for a haystack in an elephant : messy and not very satisfactory . There were only two people I decided who could have done it . They both had a great deal to gain . At the end of the day , though , there is a limit to what you can do from inside a jail cell . The guards looked sceptically at me when I asked for it . But I was responsible for half the murder arrests in the district for the last six months . So they eventually gave me what I wanted . Especially when I refused to furnish them with any more information . I don 't know if you have ever been to a proper séance . Well , to be honest , most of the time the knocks are from the medium . But this time it was different . Within moments of the séance starting , I was aware that the room was colder . Then the entire board lifted off the table , and flew towards me . It hit the wall a few inches from my face . The room warmed up again . The presence was gone . For a little while . " I didn 't " I replied . I knew that he didn 't believe me . But he would have to show more senior people . And I knew they couldn 't afford to risk me . I went back to bed . For the first time in weeks , I had no bad dreams . I guess Nigel knew I understood his message . I slept very soundly . Until the next morning . But my guards didn 't really understand . Or they did not want to understand . My handler met me in the interview room the next morning . He looked tired . Besides him sat a man I hadn 't seen before . He wore the cleanest , most expensive suit I had seen during my stay at the states pleasure . The man stood up . He walked out of the room . Measured , and without menace . But he didn 't seem to be a man used to dealing with no . My handler shook his head . He didn 't need to tell me the consequences . All of a sudden , I was put on suicide watch . Woken up every thirty minutes to see if I wasn 't dead yet . The heating in my cell surprisingly broke . I knew I was in their hands totally . But I never realised what it was like to displease them . You see , Nigel might be a ghost , but that doesn 't mean he is stupid . He can see what is happening . He knows they are stopping me doing what he wants . And this gets him angry . They first times he acted , it looked like coincidence . The guards chair would tilt under him , depositing him on the floor . Or cups of coffee were not placed firmly enough on the table . The guards were spooked by me . They knew that I was able to see things they could not . But although the guards face became pale , his hand on the trigger was steady and firm . It was too late . The chair slammed into the guard . He dropped to the floor . Then I saw the guards keys float from his pocket . My cell door was unlocked . I walked over to the guard , stripped his clothes off , and changed into his uniform . I thought I didn 't have much of a choice . If I didn 't do what Nigel wanted he would kill me . Every door I came to slid open without me doing anything . It would have been creepy if I didn 't know what was happening . Soon the alarms started to ring out . People would be grabbing their guns , getting ready to shoot me . I could feel my heart trying to escape from my chest . I soon arrived at fire exit . It opened in front of me . I climbed down some steps . Below me , I could see coppers swarming . I continued to walk down . One of the coppers recognised me . I ran in the opposite direction . He took aim , and I could hear the gun explode behind me . But the bullet didn 't pierce my skin like I expected . Instead , it ended in the ground . I reached a police car , and the engine came on without anyone doing anything . Then I went into a store and bought black trousers and a white shirt . Got changed . And walked out of the shopping centre , expecting to be caught at any time . In my pocket there was five hundred dollars . That was all I had in the world , except for an insane ghost . I decided it was time to go to the library . After chatting to the librarian for a few seconds , she walked me over to a computer which had copies of the local papers for the last twenty years . I typed a search . At first I found nothing , but as I expanded the search back I found him . According to the interview , he was found murdered in his bed . He had been asleep . His wife had been charged and convicted of his murder . But she said she was innocent . Nothing came in response . I knew that would happen . It was too much to hope for . It was getting late at night . The librarian was fussing near me . It was time to go . When you are a fugitive , it isn 't as simple to find a place to stay as booking a room in a hotel . I walked round , looking for an empty house . It took me an hour . Occasionally a police car would go past . It made me nervous . At one time it would have been a posh bungalow . But whoever had owned it had been taken to a care home , and it was covered in weeds and neglect . I walked up to the door , and it swings open . That is one of the advantages of your own private poltergeist . Inside it was a mess . But dry and water proof . There was a wood burning stove in one room . The power was off , and Nigel didn 't turn it on . But the water was only off at the mains . It was easy enough to get it working again . In the morning I would have to start the process of searching for Nigel Slater . I knew roughly where he lived . I fell asleep , and woke up hungry and cramped . Outside , I could hear rustling . I peeked through the window , and could see a man dressed only in black . He looked like he was not very friendly . I ducked down , but he must have seen me . He edged towards the door . It was locked , but he slammed it open . I hid behind the sofa . it didn 't help . He walked towards me . I noticed he had a poker in his hand . There was no way he wouldn 't find me . I stood up . I looked over at him . He had a long scar down his face . it seemed like he was used to trouble . And he was straining to start a fight . I did what he said . He followed me . I thought he might hit me at any second . or recognise me . They must have put my picture out into the news by now . I sighed with relief , but knew that my location might be passed onto the police . I decided it was time to get out of the town . I caught a bus , and tried to hide my face . Since I hadn 't had a bath for a few days it was easier than you might think . People did not want to look me in the eyes . I arrived at Nigel 's house six hours latter . It was a solemn house . A plane front garden laid to grass , brick frontage , and white windows . It didn 't look like anyone had ever cared for it . It looked like it was a place to sleep and not to stay . It took me a few minutes to settle down , and watch the street . There was nothing extraordinary about it . A few people walked past , taking little interest in the stranger . After watching for half an hour , I knew there was little information here for me . Talking round the local shops I found out that Nigel had been a quiet man . Few people knew him , past his saying hello . he didn 't seem to have been involved in anything wrong . or indeed in anything at all . I decided that there could only really have been one source of trouble . He must have found out something at work . Something that made him worth more to someone dead than alive . I got some annual reports from his company and studied them . Amazing what is available on the internet these days . There was little of interest . I applied to work at Nigel 's company as a cleaner . it was a big risk . I supplied false references , and knew they would not check them for months . That 's the thing about cleaners . No one takes any notice . So I got the job , and examined the work place thoroughly . It looked like an office . The computers were always on . Once or twice I looked over the shoulder of someone working but it was all gobbledygook to me . To make it worse , I saw my face on the newspaper when I went for food . Sure , I looked a lot different now . I had grown longer hair , a beard , and was thinner . But it was still me . I grew suspicious of other people . Then came my big break . Several people were working in the office late . I overhead them speaking about a billion dollar deal . The company was getting bought out . I checked the internet , and there was something in the trade section . The routine was the same every day . But one of my colleagues had not turned up to work . So I was asked to clean the main office . I did so . But I did more than that , I broke into the file cabinets , and started reading company secrets . But that didn 't save me for long . The next day I arrived at work a few minutes earlier . Something told me that things were wrong . The security guard on the gate was new . He told me to go out to the bosses office . I walked into a small lab , and looked around . There was a window , and I tried to open it . In the distance I could see five police cars . The window wouldn 't open . There was only one way out . And I knew that by now , there would be police officers between me and the door . I looked round to find a chair . Then used it to break the window . The alarm went , and I slid through the empty hole . But I caught my shoulder on a shard of glass . I was bleeding . The police gave up their pretence . Dozens of sirens started up , heading towards the building . I ran through a green space . I knew that there was only one way out of the compound except the front gate . A hole in the fence I had noticed a few days earlier . But over head their was a helicopter . Although I ran like the wind , it wasn 't enough . I could hear the police men getting closer and closer . I turned around and saw two police officers . They both had guns pointed at me . I raised my hands , and they soon had me on the ground . I arrived at my destination a few hours latter . This time they were taking no chances . I arrived at a super maximum prison . Surrounded by barbed wire , dogs , and armed police officers it was obvious I 'd never get out . The next day the interrogation began . Again and Again . Asking me where I had gone . What I had done . I eventually broke down and told them everything . But that didn 't stop them continuing . Maybe what they were doing was no crime . But it was a form of torture . Eventually , the interrogations stopped . They gave me paper . They wanted to go back to how it used to be . But by that time I had got so angry , even when I did have a dream I kept it to myself . I wasn 't there . So all I can do is repeat the report that was made to me . No guarantee it is what happened . Apparently the director of the FBI had been having an extramarital affair . He was in bed that normal , and engaging in exercise at the same time . This was not expected , but what was even more unexpected was the windows opening wide . And the explosions of a gun . The director of the FBI 's gun . But I do know that it made the national news . The assistant director of the FBI resigned . And , to be frank , most of the people in the FBI did not care much about that . But it was fair warning . He didn 't seem to be exactly happy about what had happened . In fact , he stormed in to the visiting room , and let loose a barrage of swear words . I sat there passively , listening to him . When he calmed down sufficiently , he sat down . " Nigel was right . All he wants is his murderer found . But he isn 't going to stop . Not until that is done . Not even if he has to kill someone else to do it . " " No . I am not . Nigel is a threat to you . If you stand in the way , that is . He is a ghost . What can you do to get rid of him ? " The director of the FBI thought for a few seconds . An hour latter , a priest turned up with bell , book and candle . it didn 't work spectacularly . The power went off , the candle blew out , the bell rang , and the book was thrown across the room . The director gestured to the mirror and two toughs walked in . They carried some rope . They tied me to the chair , and lifted a cosh over their heads . Then all hell broke lose . The cosh swung back by itself . it raised into the air , and came down , laying out one of the thugs . The other caught me a glancing blow , but something unseen lifted him from the floor and threw him against the wall . " You have a choice . Director . Help find Nigel 's killer . Or , I think , Nigel will chase you down and gut you like a fish . " Eventually the Director settled down again . He sat in his chair , silently looking at me . I wasn 't a pretty picture . Thin , and in prison coveralls . I must have looked like a real criminal . They let me go that afternoon . Put me in a suit , and told me I was seconded to the FBI . I was even given my own agent . He was tall , thin , and looked every inch the government man . The agent shook his head . He gave nothing away . That was when I knew he wasn 't sent to help me . Just to keep an eye out on me . Nevertheless , I decided that I could use him . Like he wanted to use me . I looked over to him , and told him to get a warrant . We were going to search Nigel 's company . And read every damn bit of paper they had about Sigma . When we arrived at the door , they had their lawyer sorted out already . Someone must have leaked it . He looked like he had cost a lot of money . " I 'm afraid we have the right not to incriminate ourselves . We are asserting that right . Both as a company , and as individuals . So , no , you can ask any questions but we will not answer them . " I was surprised when I found the clue . It was something no one else would have noticed . A single envelope in the bin . It contained an address . I think Nigel must have been helping me . I was drawn to it . But the thing I noticed was the fact the address had a Sigma stamp . Once we were out of the building , I decided to break away from the FBI agent . I knew some things would work better on my own . it was easier said than done . When I tried to go for a walk that night , he insisted on staying right by me . Getting to the address was difficult . I didn 't have a car , I had to take the bus . Most of the journey there wasn 't even that . And it had began to rain . I must have looked odd , walking around town that late at night , soaked . In fact , I surprised no copper stopped me . " Good enough , " I said . Knowing I was lying as I said it . It wasn 't like it was my strong point . The expression on the coppers face showed he thought not either . He stood there behind me his mouth opened , as I shimmied the lock . it opened . I walked in . This was a mistake , I didn 't notice the small CCTV camera , the camera that was hidden in a plug socket . But it was sending my picture right up to the security office . I worked quickly , going up the stairs to the office . I don 't know what I had expected to see . But what I did see looked just like any other office . Even down to the half drunk cup of coffee . I woke up in the boot of a car . I could feel the engine running , and smell burning petrol . It was pick black . The car started off , bumping along the ground . Hitting me from side to side . My hands were tied behind my back . It was lucky I knew a little magic . I got the knot loose without much effort . Then I grovelled around the car to find something , anything that could help me . There was a wrench , which I picked up . I put the rope around my wrists , hiding the fact I was loose . And put the wrench in my pocket . The boot of the car swung open . One of the security guards lifted me out of the boot . He was covered in muscle . My mouth opened wide . That was the last thing I expected to hear . They marched me along the ground and I saw him for the first time . Nigel . Alive . Then the room went strange . Something turned the lights off , and opened the windows . It even raised a chair off the ground . The security guard looked worried for the first time . " For the last month , I have been searching for the person who killed Nigel Slater . You , sir , are Nigel Slater . But it seems your ghost hasn 't got the information you are alive . " But it didn 't work . By the time that the ambulance arrived , Nigel was in a deep coma . It took only a short time after that until the first homicide detective got there . But the truth is , it was fate . No ones fault . Except the murderer . After all , how can Nigel Slater 's ghost come into my dreams unless he is actually killed ? What happened next surprised me . The cops arrested me . Told me I was being held on suspicion of murder . I told them not to be idiots , but they wrote it in their notebooks and not their minds . By that point the clues would be getting stale , so I drove right to the company . But they wouldn 't let me in . it was a police investigation , they said . No dice . I called the FBI agent and asked him to run the full scan on Slater . By the time he had finished I would know every single family member . And all I had to do was interview them . The only clue left to me was Sigma . The company was closed for a few hours , but the managing director wasn 't . Again the FBI came to my rescue . They had the address , and I wasn 't afraid to use it . We walked up the garden path . It wasn 't the most luxurious house that a managing director had ever lived at . But I knocked on the door anyway . I walked in . Behold , the group was all there . The director of the FBI himself . The attorney general . And a four star general . I could feel the back of my assistant straightening up . The Managing Director pressed a button on the TV . It switched on . Nigel Slater 's office . I saw him pick up his glass . Put the chemicals in it . The MD fast forwarded . Nigel killed himself . " Oil . We got him to produce computer models . All the oil reserves . He was so great . . . well , he could produce a program that told us exactly where oil was , just from satellite images . " Just at that moment a dozen armed guards came into the room . Their guns were pointed right at me . I raised my hands , and was soon plunged into the carpet . They searched me . Didn 't find anything interesting . " Yeah . But I don 't think you did it . I don 't think you were that smart . But I don 't know what this being who calls himself Nigel Slater is , " I didn 't struggle . By now , them putting handcuffs on me was almost routine . I just wish I had been able to continue my life as a charlatan . I didn 't know what to say to that . it was true . it was obvious when you think about it . Nigel had told me he was murdered when he was still alive . but no one ever said the soul was bound to the arrow of time . Within a few minutes we had picked up an escort . From what I could tell , they had closed the road down . Only we were travelling that evening . I gulped . It looked like things were just about to head for the worse . The trip to the Whitehouse was the most fraught I had experienced in my life . The director of the FBI was reading faxes and emails in the car . His face was getting more and more pale . " I guess like the English did in WWII . With disinformation . We need to get an Chinese agent and feed him bad info . And I guess Nigel might be your best hope for that . " I guess the FBI director caught on quickly . Because he could go anywhere , Nigel could listen to the Chinese chatter . He could find Chinese agents . Maybe he didn 't know Chinese , but he knew enough to listen in to the English language conversations . It wasn 't a new concept . The CIA had investigated it in the sixties . But they didn 't have a real life ghost , so their experiments failed . This time we had a real ghost . I asked them to pick out the Ouija board again . The séance room was a sight you had never seen in your life . The president and the director of the FBI holding hands , in a dark room . The president of the united states shook his head . You could tell he couldn 't believe what he was seeing . He got up from his seat , and you could almost hear his bones cracking . Over in the corner of the room I could see a computer with satellite images . I could watch the Chinese fleet mobilising in real time . The number of dots that represented aircraft carriers alone was scary . " It will only be a few days before we have to mobilise our own navy . " The wait was excruciating . But suddenly five hours latter , the board started spelling out a name . The FBI director went to work . Within minutes they had the file out . He didn 't look like what you would expect of a Chinese agent . He had long , blonde hair , was dressed in a respectable suit , and had a respectable job . He worked in the old navy base . His job was to work on the files , reading sensitive military information . Including information about resource allocation . Once they checked his bank account the truth became obvious . The FBI director stood up , and paced down the long thin corridor . Then he arrived back in the meeting room with a young woman . She was dressed in military uniform . He explained the plan . It was simple . The Chinese agent needed to think it had all been a hoax . But for that to work , he would have to eat a pack of lies . I wasn 't there , so I can report only what I have been told . The female agent I had been introduced to worked in the old navy headquarters . She worked in the files there . It is a room full of top secret papers . Room might be the wrong word ; it was the size of an aircraft hanger . She worked there , and had spent months being bored . So naturally , she had struck up a conversation with the handsome blonde military attaché . And , the conversation was reciprocated . The director of the FBI looked at her . She didn 't look like much to put the freedom of the world onto . But she was eager . And after being told what to do , she didn 't complain . She saluted . I stood at the back of the room , watching the Director of the FBI feeling out the officer , and knew I would have to talk to Nigel alone . I didn 't trust her . She looked too good to be true with her starched uniform and willing smile . The new agent went into a staff car , to be driven to the headquarters . She looked very lonely in the back of the car . Meanwhile , we walked to the operations room . There was a banks of monitors the length of the room . We could see satellite images of the build up of the Chinese fleet , as well as real time updates of our spies . I nodded . Then looked back over to the screens . I could see our agent depositing the papers in her draw . She phoned up the Chinese agent , and set up dinner . It looked like a glorious feast . Roast duck , with all the trimmings . The doorbell went . She walked over to it , and opened it . She said something , and the Chinese agent walked into the room . After ten minutes of conversation , she walked away . To go to the toilet . He walked over to the draws , and started rummaging . After a few minutes he found the file our agent had left . He took out the smallest camera you have ever seen , and clicked the image . After that , he put the files away . After he left , the confirmation came thick and fast . The Chinese fleet disbanded . It was amazing to see , but they split up within a matter of hours . Soon the sea around Taiwan was empty except for commercial shipping . I guess that if this had been a story that would be it . I would have been given a party , a celebration , and been allowed to leave . After all , I had saved the day . Well , Nigel did leave . I haven 't heard from him since . After they had finished celebrating , a guard collected me , and drove me in a prison van to here . It is a cold concrete cell . I am allowed a TV , and to write carefully vetted letters . I 'm not sure how I will post this , my story . Maybe I will write it under the postage stamp . I guess for an old crook like me , it is fair . But I wish I had been sent to jail for something I did . And not for some trumped up terrorist charge . Currently we only offer payment for one story selected as the feature story in the monthly pdf magazine only . The successful author will be contacted to organise payment via paypal for a $ 5AUD payment . 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The ship swayed and creaked . He feels every bit of it in his body . Taking no chances the crew , damnedable pirates , have chained him with no give . Legs bound in a kneeling position , arms chained to either wall crucifying him to the ship like a perverse figurehead , he 's been their captive long enough to have forgotten the feel of kindness . It is a small blessing that their fear of him keeps his gag in place at all times . It keeps them from coming anywhere near him . The captain learned a long time ago that he gleans all he needs to live from the moisture in the air , the brine in his eyes . During storms , when he is strongest , the captain posts guards with him . They don 't look at him . A terrible hope fills him today . By the movement of the ship and the crew 's curses , he knows that they 're being pursued by another ship . This ship is a runner , fast . There 'd be little concern of capture if the ship did not gain its quickness from being light , gain its lightness from having little room for armaments or supplies . The pursuers have had them going for a week now and they 'd been out of port for at least a month . He knows from the panic in the crew that the food is all but gone . Soon they 'll be too weak to load what small guns are aboard . He 'd be surprised if they could remember how to sight the cannons it 's been so long since the captain has ordered them used . His hope stems from the pirates ' desperation . If they succumb to practicality then they 'll come for him . With frightened hearts and shaking hands , they 'll undo his chains and he 'll get to spend some time under the sky instead of under foot . So he waits for their desperation to bloom practicality . It does not take long . The first mate comes with three guards and the keys . It is always the first mate that comes to get him . The captain coming himself would make him a person that the captain fears , he wouldn 't last long once that got out among the crew . The first mate is the only one he trusts with the keys to his chains . " The captain wants to see you . " He speaks with a unique accent that comes with the ship 's pidgin of French , Spanish , and Greek . His ears hear the gibberish , but his mind provides him with the meaning . Slowly , they unchain his arms from the ship and secure them behind his back . The guards are afraid to touch him , unsure whether he 'll break or they 'll be infected with something . It strikes him as odd how religious some of these men are . Coming onto the deck , sea spray hits him in the face , covers his bare chest . He instantly feels more alive . He stands taller , muscles flex , the chains bite into his skin . They take him to the captain , standing at the aft of the ship . He stands beside the captain looking out at the wide ocean , the only thing marring their perfect view of the horizon the pursuers . The first mate and guards fold themselves into the three other men standing around them . The captain just stands there for a few minutes , ignoring him . This too is done to show the crew he will do this in his own time , to show that the man he keeps below decks does not frighten him . Around the gag , behind the locked mouth plate , he smiles . Only he and the captain know what he is , and he knows that the captain is frightened of that . " I have use of you . " From under his coat he draws out the key that only he is allowed to keep . He inserts into lock for the face plate . " If you hurt this ship my men will stab you and you will die before you can swim for freedom . Like always , yeah ? " He nods . It 's always the same threat . It vaguely occurs to him that this is only a half life . But then , the spirits would kill for half a life . The plate falls away and he spits the wooden wedge from his mouth . His tongue sticks out , tasting the salt in the air . He flexes his jaw , taking in the blue sky , the white clouds , the gentle waves . He smiles at the captain . Other than the crew 's swords there is very little compelling him . Finally , the captain 's annoyance at the delay shows on his face . He focuses on ship on the horizon . He tries not to think of the men on the ship . He knows he will have to answer for his actions one day , but he 's trying to postpone that day for as long as possible . " I 'm fine . Sorry . " The cabby 's eyes dart from the road to the rearview mirror and back . " I 'm good . I 'm okay . " The cabby 's eyes return to the road and stay there , Lawrence was prepared to keep reassuring him for the rest of the drive as long as he didn 't take his eyes off the road . " That jetlag 's a bitch , isn 't it ? " " Yeah , jetlag . " He doesn 't really feel like talking so he looks out the window . What he sees unsettles him so much that he almost closes his eyes again . Outside the cab desert stretched on for miles . When he 'd met the cabby at the airport he 'd been fine . They 'd been in the middle of a city . He preferred the buildings and people to the endless dry expanse . He tried to think of it as a sea of earth but it just made him queasy . He can 't help it , he closes his eyes . " We 're almost there , " the cabby rouses him . " If I 'd of known I wouldn 't have let you sleep at all . You wouldn 't believe how many people fall asleep in my cab from the airport . " The cabby keeps up a steady stream of chitchat for the next few minutes . Lawrence doesn 't say much , but he 's glad for the distraction . " Here we go , buddy . " He pulls up in front of an independent diner . Lawrence can tell the sign was made with care when it was painted , years in the desert sun has faded it badly . " They got good food here ? " " I don 't know . This is my first time here . " He pays the fare and steps out of the air - conditioned interior . His lips are immediately dry and cracked . The heat cuts him to the core as fast as it dried his lips , the urge to speak rises in him . He needs to escape this heat , he 's drowning in dryness . He rushes inside hoping that they 'll have air - conditioning . No such luck . The interior of the restaurant is as faded as the exterior . He seats himself , impatiently tapping his foot waiting for the waitress . He can hear the sound of the wind . Not the dry , lifeless wind of the desert , but the damp , alive wind of the storm . It 's calling to him , begging him to call out . He licks his lips with a tongue he can barely feel . He can 't help himself , the desert is antithesis for him . Why had he decided to come here ? To satisfy some adolescent curiosity ? He takes one long , shuttering breath . " The special , two of them , just bring me a pitcher of water . " His throat feels so dry . He has to speak now before he loses his chance . " Hmph ! " With blurry vision he watches her flounce back to the kitchen . He grabs the edge of the table to steady himself . He 's clenching his jaw by the time she comes back with a glass for him . He swallows half of it . The cool liquid fills him , calming him . Vision clears , hands stop shaking , the urge lessening . The torrent of wind in his ears shifts to a gentle breeze . How close had he come ? The waitress turns to leave again , he grabs her arm . " Can I get you anything else ? " She says it in such a way that makes Lawrence wonder if it 's actually a question . She tired of him he can tell . She 's too used to bullying the locals . He doesn 't trying to be nice to her , he just takes out a fifty and lays it on the table . " This is your tip if you keep bringing me pitchers of water . " Her eyes gleam slightly as she stares at the bill on the table . Slowly she puts the pitcher on the table . " Thank you . " He drains the rest of his glass and pours another . He finishes this one in three huge gulps . He doesn 't feel as trapped now , his breathing has evened out . He fills the glass a third time , finishing off the pitcher , but only sips this one . A couple minutes pass , the waitress brings his two specials and another pitcher . Lawrence only picks at his food . Between the desert and the age of the equipment in the diner the food is completely dry . Mainly he just cuts up the food and moves it around on his plate . Mainly he watches the people in the restaurant . He immediately discounts his waitress . Seeing her move around the diner , speaking with her , she 's spent most of her life trying to get away from this place . It 's a pity that she 'd never really feel like she belongs anywhere . An old man sits in another booth . He is weathered , his countenance telling the story of a life in the desert . Despite the heat of the day he 's drinking coffee . Lawrence would have considered him a likely candidate if his research didn 't tell him he is looking for someone younger . Besides the old man doesn 't look like he belongs here , only that he 's gotten used to living here . It 's an old style diner setup , so Lawrence can see the cook behind the half wall separating the kitchen from the dining area . Cook would be a wonderful job for who he 's looking for . The heat rising from the stove providing a fix for the cravings while at work . Though nothing compared to the natural heat of the desert it would do while at work . Unfortunately the cook is wearing a sleeveless shirt that 's plastered to his body with sweat . Lawrence 's heart falls . He 's not close enough to the cook to pick up a flow from him , but the fact that he 's sweating tells him all he needs to know . It 's possible his sources were wrong . It 's not easy to track a Bearer . The burden / gift they bear making it too hard to get a fix on them . He 's about to get up , throwing the contents of his glass down his throat , when the kitchen door swings open and a young man steps through . Lawrence puts his cup down and watches him . Something in the way he moves is different . Somehow his movements come off as light , almost bouncy . Even just clearing dishes from tables , his movements are quick , precise . He wears a t - shirt , jeans , and boots , all are cheap , but he still has an air of status . Lawrence notes that he 's not sweating . He looks up , checking for more stray dishes . Lawrence motions him over . " You finished with this , mister ? " Lawrence inhales and catches the scent of aged stone . " Sorry , mister , I 'm just here for the dishes . You 'll want to try Craiper St . around ten tonight . " He grabs a plate , Lawrence grabs his wrist . Sun … Heat … Dry … Sand … Lawrence pulls his hand away , palm red . Perspiration stands out on the young man 's brow now , fear in his eyes . He slides into the booth across from Lawrence . Lawrence pours another glass of water and waits for the boy to say something . " I 'm on break ! " She throws up her hands and goes back into the kitchen . Tito smiles at Lawrence . " Let 's go outside . " Lawrence downs his water and follows him out and around the diner . " I 'm Benjamin Fuller , but everyone calls me , Tito . Now who the hell are you ? " It 's a fair question . If he doesn 't know what he is then he 's probably really freaked out . Lawrence can 't blame him , he 's been there . " Ha , not likely , man . " Tito looks skeptical , very skeptical . There 's at least fifteen years between them . And while Tito isn 't a full blooded Mexican , Lawrence can tell at least one of his parents is , while Lawrence couldn 't be more white without being an albino . It 's hard to believe . " I don 't mean biologically . I mean spiritually . " Tito 's face is instantly serious . " You can feel it , can 't you ? That subtle , tickling at the back of your brain that makes you feel like you know me , even while at your core I unsettle you . " " Yes . " Tito looks so relieved that it breaks Lawrence 's heart . He knows what it 's like to finally have this explained . Lawrence had spent three years in a mental hospital trying to deal by himself . Tito is a strong young man . " Where is there open desert ? " Tito points down an alley . Lawrence starts walking , Tito doesn 't need to be told to follow , he falls into step next to Lawrence careful not to touch him . They come out the other end of the alley seeing open land . For Lawrence it 's as close to nothing as he ever wants to get . Longing fills Tito 's eyes . " I want to share something with you . Watch out there . " Lawrence takes a deep breath and centers himself . The urge to speak has been growing since they stepped out of the diner , the dryness creeping in to all his dark places . Tito 's hands fly up to cover his ears . " Ah ! What the hell ? " FLASH ! BOOM ! The thunder cuts off any further curses . Tito 's gaze is drawn out to the desert , where black storm clouds have formed out of nowhere . The fear is back in his eyes , he retreats till his back hits the wall to the building . " What have you done ? " " I spoke my Word . We 're Word Bearers , Tito . You have your own . Can you feel it ? Deep in core . " Lawrence can see he 's confused . He 's frightened , overwhelmed . FLASHBOOM ! " You can stop this , Tito . Go ahead . Say your Word . I want to hear it . " " I don 't … I 'm not sure . " Confusion and fear war on Tito 's face . Lawrence hopes he won 't run . He didn 't mean to scare the boy . " Of course you 're sure . You 've known it for centuries , you just haven 't spoken it yet . It 's okay . I 'm here with you . " His first step is hesitant , his second is firm , his third is confident . Lawrence realizes he 's holding his breath . Tito looks up at him , he nods . Tito fixes his gaze on the storm . " " There it is . It 's as quiet as Lawrence 's Word is loud , but no less powerful . It 's so beautiful . As Lawrence watches the storm clouds dissipate a tear rolls down his cheek . 2 Dad suffered even from a sight of blood , and he never killed a hen nor slaughtered a pig . But I was aware that once he had donated his blood in the name of my Mum still , because she 'd had a narrow escape on an operating table then . With me a doctor would have my blood tested in a moment : one , two and it 's done . But first they make you ready for rather a time : take a seat , then have a proper finger chosen , though it is always just the one , then they wipe it with spirits until take somewhat sharp like a mini - scalpel . Not everyone can stand the procedure , but I was not against it when a doctor suggested me having my blood tested . She was a likable one , youngish for her age , not married or divorced , probably . And she had no child , I felt it immediately , she had such a look , barren if you want . Possibly for health reasons she could not bear a child or she didn 't find a right man . Or she could have a particular blood group not to have a child with anyone , that 's why she employed at a doctor 's consulting room to make blood tests . And she urged me to have my blood tested . At first I didn 't mind it , the right thing it is , still she didn 't ask my permission . " Just let 's have your blood tested " , she said and left me . She had many things to do I suppose . In doctor 's smocks they walked hither and thither all the time at a clinic there talking over the heads of those waiting , as if one was dead already . And I was still alive and a nurse was preparing to have my blood tested . While she got me ready she was chattering . She said that men were afraid of blood testing nowadays . More and more they refused to do it and ran away sometimes seeing a drop of blood . And one had nothing to fear , there was a couch behind the curtain in a special emergency to lie low , in case one fainted . She pulled the white curtain aside and showed me a couch with dark green leatherette and I shivered all at once : what for they needed my blood ? She suggested me taking off a jacket and rolling up my sleeve , left or right one , I don 't rMy Bio : Mr . Valery Petrovskiy is a journalist and short story writer from Russia . Не is an English Department graduate at Chuvash State University , Cheboksary , graduated in journalism at VKSch Higher School , Moscow and in psychology at Kazan State Technology University . He has been writing prose since 2005 . Some of his writing has been published in The Scrambler , Rusty Typer , BRICKrethoric , NAP Magazine , Literary Burlesque , The Other Room , Curbside Quotidian , DANSE MACABRE , WidowMoon Press , PRIME MINCER , Apocrypha and Abstractions , The Legendary in the USA , and in Australian " Skive " and " Going Down Swinging " magazines . At the moment he is writer - in - residence at Marco Polo Art Mag . It 's dark in here . That 's because I live at the bottom of the jewellery box along with the other outcasts : the tangled necklace with the broken lobster claw and teddy pendant she got for her eleventh birthday , along with the bracelet that 's missing a couple of gem stones . She always says she will have them repaired but never does , preferring to spend the money on more fashionable pieces instead that imitate Asian and Oriental designs . An untrained eye might imagine that they were found by a back - packer on their travels , but they weren 't . They can be bought from any shop on the high - street , and are merely echoes of worlds she 's never seen . Not all of us down here are broken though . I 'm not , and neither is the engagement ring she got from Mark , ( who eventually cheated on her with Shannon from Reception , ) or the belly bar she took out when she put weight on and decided looked too young for her anyway . The ones at the top who get worn more often pity us , ( ' how boring it must be , ' they say to each other in whispers they think we can 't hear , ' being cooped up down there , month in , month out , ' ) but in a way they 're jealous . As I 've said , you could buy them in their hundreds if you wanted to , and they are without sentimental value like the childhood necklace or the belly bar that reminds her of her wild teens and early twenties . They 're easily replaced and she gives them away when they become outdated - or chucks them if even her younger sister and the charity shops say no , thanks . She doesn 't like Mark 's ring or me , so it isn 't often that her fingers dig through the chunky bangles and strings of beads to bring me to the surface . It happens maybe three or four times a year when she has arranged to visit The Matriarch . The ring doesn 't even get a look in . Why Mark wouldn 't let her give it back to him so that he could give it to someone he did love is beyond us ; at least that way it would have been enjoyed . All the same , seeing as I 'm an heirloom and the ring is eighteen carat white goPerhaps you imagine I get bitter when the voices of the favoured ones float above my head , chattering away about their ventures out of the box : days at work , dinners , dates , parties and who was there , who wasn 't there , what she wore … you get the drift . Or worse , maybe you feel sorry for me . I 'd rather you didn 't . Pity the rest but not me . I 'm not so keen on their weight pressing down on me but I don 't mind the dark . In fact I quite like it . It reminds me of home , my real one , from before I met people . As for being bitter , you can rule that out . I 'm a pearl , darling ; it 's not in my nature . You lot have seen me as a symbol of love for thousands of years and I do try to live up to my name by being kind - although I cannot help but wince sometimes at the irony , given that the first person I ever met died . Don 't look at me like that ; it wasn 't my fault . But that 's why she doesn 't like me . All the same , when you 've being kept in a family for over a century you do take an interest in your present owner , even if it 's not reciprocated , so I enjoy listening to the young ones ' gossip . Let them have their fun while they still can . The best they can hope for is a place in a child 's dressing - up box in just a few , short years so they might as well enjoy it . 2 . Memories . I might be old - fashioned and be from a past that she and you would rather forget , but I 'm not like your kind . I will endure and outlive the others , her - even you . And I never forget . My memory doesn 't grow weak with age , it gets stronger . I can still smell what my home was like ; still feel the movements of the person who found me when he panicked and rushed too quickly to the top , and the urgent , grasping hand of the first , but different person to ever touch me , as though I 'd only stopped smelling and feeling them a minute ago . The memories of my owners and the events in their lives play like the films you are so fond of ; the moment when her grandfather proposed to her grandmother , and the christening of her mother , they are a3 . Before she grew up . I suppose you think it strange that her grandmother , ( or The Matriarch as she jokingly calls her , ) skipped a generation and gave me to someone who doesn 't like me , but it never used to be this way . When she was little and used to visit her grandmother she would ask , ( very politely after giving her a peck on the cheek , ) if she could play with her jewellery box . The answer was always yes , and she would very carefully hunt through the diamonds and gold to find me , pin me to her jumper and wear me for the rest of the time she was there . It became something of a ritual , to the point where her grandmother began to pick me out herself and would put me on the coffee table ready for when she arrived . When she was eighteen , The Matriarch had a heart attack , and fearing that she would never leave hospital , insisted on the girl 's mother driving for two hours to get me , so that she could give me to her personally before it was too late . They were very close , and still are in spite of the distance , for she survived against all the odds . Whenever she goes to see her she always comments on how lovely it is , seeing her granddaughter all grown up , wearing her old brooch that 's always been her favourite . And I was for a time . Traditionally I was only worn for a special or significant occasion , but when she was at college I had the strange but enjoyable experience of being put in her pocket and going with her , and if she felt nervous about something her fingers would slide down to stroke me . Normally I hated people manhandling me , but I didn 't mind in her case - it was better than her biting her nails . It was almost as if she thought that having me with her would stop something bad happening - and I have been viewed as ' lucky . ' Stop sniggering , it 's true . In the days of knights and sword - fighting , we would be worn when the rich and noble went into battle because they thought we would protect them from harm , so don 't laugh at her . It felt good , being wanted , and I have to confess I came in danger You don 't like being reminded of your past - those days of glory when Britain ruled half the world . I think that 's why you apologise so much , and give more than you can afford to charities trying to save the poor and starving around the globe . It 's almost as though you 're trying to make up for all the wrongs done before you were born . And I 've tried to avoid talking about it in case you ran away - I get lonely sometimes and it 's nice having someone to talk to . But you can 't run forever , things have to be faced eventually . Some of you may already know and may already be trying to shut out the sound of my words by turning your thoughts to the plans you 've made for the weekend , but there 'll be a lot of you who don 't . There are lots of happy anecdotes from my owners ' lives I could have told you but this is the one you need to hear : My story . We are not like your kind , but there is one thing we have in common : just as you can 't remember coming out of the womb , we don 't know what it was like being a grain of sand or piece of shell squeezing our way inside an oyster and hardening ; all I remember is being . There were no thoughts , for when you live inside a shell there isn 't a great deal to think about - nothing happens . That probably sounds dull to you but there was no sadness , no pain or death . It was peaceful , just being . I didn 't know this at the time but even nothing has to come to an end eventually : the day would always have come when I would be found . It will be hard for you to understand what it was like being taken out of water , hearing sounds , seeing colours and light - all for the first time . On paper it sounds great , this explosion of life , but the reality was frightening - and even fear was something I had never heard of or felt before . Maybe that 's why your newborns usually cry when they come out , because they 're scared and want to go back . I 'm trying to think of ways to describe how it was to you , and the only way I can think of is for you to imagine an ancient Egyptian being placed in the middle of a supermarket . That might give you a better idea , but even that doesn 't come close . I 've learnt a lot since then - ( I 've had to , I didn 't have any other choice - ) but there 's one thing I 've never been able to get my head around , and that is time . Your lives are ruled by clocks and diaries telling you when deadlines or birthdays are due , but when you have so much time whole years , even decades can pass you by . Forgive me then , if I am a little hazy on dates . What I can tell you is that I was brought to the surface in the late 1800s , which makes me special . There aren 't many of us that come from nature now . Most are made by man in bulk on farms . Things changed . You suddenly became concerned about human life and diving equipment got better . Both meant that the world 's poor no were no longer forced to hold their breaths for comments » I knew that someone important was going to walk into my life at 12 : 15 , just after I normally drink tea and prepare for an slow day working on the horoscope . Now , maybe you might not believe me . After all , I am a professional charlatan . But I knew something was up , because for the last two weeks every prediction I have made actually worked out . It started when I saw Mrs Henderson . She was a fat woman , an unpleasant woman , a great client . Like most people who wanted a reading , she didn 't want the truth . And normally I didn 't give it to her . I pulled out the equipment . It was a plain set . It looked like bone china , but was made in china for a very low price . Mrs Henderson looked impressed anyway . She had a lot of money , and not a lot of sense . Anyway , I started reading the information contained in the tea leafs . And then the world went blank . When I returned to the world , Mrs Henderson was gone . I walked out of the shop I had rented , and another of the shopkeepers came up to me . He was normally an quiet , amicable chap . This time he looked like he wanted to throttle me . " She came out of here . Howling and crying , like you 'd tried to kill her . " he put his face up to mine , " You ever do it again and I 'll . . " " I don 't know what you 're talking about , " and I backed away from him . He stalked off . I walked back to my shop , ready to wait for my next appointment . Mrs Abbot didn 't come . She left a nervous message on my answer phone . At the time I didn 't realise why . Because I had no other clients for the day , I went home . My mouth opened wide . It was such a shock , it seemed like I 'd just been told I was about to die . And then . Then I was in my bed , looking at the ceiling . The police officers had gone . But it felt more real than a dream . It must have been a dream . Yeah , that was what it was , I convinced myself . Although I should have known better . In Ireland you can make a full time living as a psychic . less so in England . The English wouldn 't even pay you if you could predict the lottery . So I also work as a pitchman . Which , if you think about it , is just another way to make a dishonest buck . I walked to the nearest boot sale , and set up . It isn 't too crowded in the morning . And everyone is busy . So I crawl in through the hedge . They don 't know that I 'm there against the rules . I set up . My table is old fashioned . A suitcase with legs you fold out . Like the true pitchmen of the 50 's . My pitch is the worm . They wiggle around my hand , like they are alive . The fools in the crowd gave me money . That is what they are for . She had the longest blondest hair this side of fairyland , and her smile lights up the room like a flashlight . And I knew I am meant to talk to her . Just now . She walked off . I had the sense she is in trouble . She was poorer than she used to be , her clothes were expensive , but last years fashion . I had a feeling I will meet her again . When I got there , there was Mrs Henderson and her husband . Their eyes were red . They had been crying . I couldn 't understand what they were there for . I managed to get them to leave . At first I thought that the gossip would help me . But the truth is , no one wants to go to a psychic that tells them the truth . Life is hard enough . You go to a psychic to hear lies . I made some money as a pitchman , so it didn 't affect me too much . But I kept on having bad dreams . I kept on seeing people I knew in them . Not just that , I saw how they died . Their pain . And I started to write down what I saw . In a book by my bedside cabinet . The extra time I had meant I was drinking more too . It was like I 'd been cursed . But the worst was the Christians . They decided that these dreams were inspired by Satan . They set up the picket line in front of my office . I started to think I should simply leave . On Wednesday , the cleaner came in . She was a nosy parker . And no mistake . Her husband had died a few years back , and she was interested in everything . While it 's not the way she put it , she was very interested in the diary . All the details of the different murders and deaths I 'd seen . All the factual details that no one else other than the murderer could know . She took it to the police , and they read it , and they got their warrant . I arrived back at the normal time , and nothing was different . The book was there . I didn 't notice the surveillance cameras . Not at all . They broke in that night . It wasn 't a dream . And I looked up to them bleary eyed , a gun pointing in my face , and swore . They dragged me towards the back of the car , and I noticed someone had decided to give the press warning . So it was very public . Once in , they took me right there . And kitted me out in fetching jail clothing , since I was still in pyjamas . This was the first time I was in jail , and I can tell you it is not as bad as some people say . There is an odd vinegar smell , hiding other bodily fluids . And it is never quiet . There is always shouting going on , and doors slammed . But it was no worse than some hotels I 've been in while performing . I looked across at my lawyer . Short , thin , balding and bored . The police officer had my diary in front of him . He picked it up . " In it , you 've got the details of dozens of murders . Information the police hasn 't released to the public . Information . . . dare I say it , in some cases that the police didn 't even know themselves . " And that was it . That was the full content of the interview . I was hustled off into the cell , and ended up waiting for days . In telephone conversations with friends , I knew the police were digging up my life . I was given a notebook , and a pen , and I continued to write down my dreams . I thought I might as well . The police would search my cell every now and again , and confiscate them . They even moved me to solitary . Made sure no one could be feeding me this information . Or , presumably , that I wasn 't ordering the killings . But the dreams continued . They were getting worse and worse . Every morning I woke up feeling like I had not slept . I guess at least things looked up , because they took me from prison . They drove me along country lanes , towards a building . I can 't tell you precisely where it was . It just looked like an old school to be honest . You 'd never have guessed it was an intelligence headquarters . They bundled me out into an empty building . You 've heard of the secret prisons . Well , they are true . They dressed me up in a uniform , tagged my ankle , and locked me in a cage . The only thing they gave me was some paper and a pen to write down my dreams . Sometimes people came to research me . They put me in scanners , and gave me all kinds of medical tests . The results were unsurprising . I was just a normal , healthy individual . And that was how it seemed I was destined to live for the rest of my life . Until I started to hear the voices . They were low . Just like someone was talking in the next room . Distant . And I couldn 't make them out . That night I was tossing and turning , and I heard someone shout out my name . I woke up . No one was there . Then I tried to get asleep again , and managed it . But the voice was insistent . Nothing answered me . The guards walked past my cell . But with the dreams and the voices , I was getting no sleep . It started to affect me so badly I would not even eat food . Within a few days I was exhausted . Mentally and physically drained . And I guess that is what the creatures wanted . Because soon they broke through . It 's hard to tell you how it felt . But if you have ever had a moment of shock , when you suddenly feel like you aren 't there , you 'll know . He said his name . And then the voice faded away . But I knew I had to do precisely what he told me . I 'd go mad otherwise . Maybe I was already mad . The opportunity came sooner than I expected . My handlers were getting anxious . I was producing less predictions than normal , and the federal conviction rate was plummeting through the floor . The handlers looked like model citizens . Dark suits , a man and a woman dressed formally , like they were lawyers . They flashed their badge to me . I don 't know why , the fact I was in a prison gave them away . The police officer fell back . You could see him working it through in his mind . Despite the success of my predictions , he settled on the conclusion I was mad . After all , psychic phenomena were impossible . He 'd read that once . I shook my head . But that night , I was thinking about it , and decided that I had to ask . Had to have a conversation , if only for my sanity . When the voices started up , I leaned forward in my bed . I asked the question again . But he would say nothing of use to me . he would only repeatedly ask me to find his killers . Not very useful . Eventually , I managed to coax his name from him . Nigel . Not a very good name for a joke . That was the strange thing . No murder victims of that name came up . Not any time soon . But a week later , a Nigel disappeared . And I realised the truth . I looked through the court reports . He had been killed by stabbing . They wouldn 't let me out of the jail . So all I could do was read the files they brought on him . And I got the feeling that many of the details had been redacted . it was like looking for a haystack in an elephant : messy and not very satisfactory . There were only two people I decided who could have done it . They both had a great deal to gain . At the end of the day , though , there is a limit to what you can do from inside a jail cell . The guards looked sceptically at me when I asked for it . But I was responsible for half the murder arrests in the district for the last six months . So they eventually gave me what I wanted . Especially when I refused to furnish them with any more information . I don 't know if you have ever been to a proper séance . Well , to be honest , most of the time the knocks are from the medium . But this time it was different . Within moments of the séance starting , I was aware that the room was colder . Then the entire board lifted off the table , and flew towards me . It hit the wall a few inches from my face . The room warmed up again . The presence was gone . For a little while . " I didn 't " I replied . I knew that he didn 't believe me . But he would have to show more senior people . And I knew they couldn 't afford to risk me . I went back to bed . For the first time in weeks , I had no bad dreams . I guess Nigel knew I understood his message . I slept very soundly . Until the next morning . But my guards didn 't really understand . Or they did not want to understand . My handler met me in the interview room the next morning . He looked tired . Besides him sat a man I hadn 't seen before . He wore the cleanest , most expensive suit I had seen during my stay at the states pleasure . The man stood up . He walked out of the room . Measured , and without menace . But he didn 't seem to be a man used to dealing with no . My handler shook his head . He didn 't need to tell me the consequences . All of a sudden , I was put on suicide watch . Woken up every thirty minutes to see if I wasn 't dead yet . The heating in my cell surprisingly broke . I knew I was in their hands totally . But I never realised what it was like to displease them . You see , Nigel might be a ghost , but that doesn 't mean he is stupid . He can see what is happening . He knows they are stopping me doing what he wants . And this gets him angry . They first times he acted , it looked like coincidence . The guards chair would tilt under him , depositing him on the floor . Or cups of coffee were not placed firmly enough on the table . The guards were spooked by me . They knew that I was able to see things they could not . But although the guards face became pale , his hand on the trigger was steady and firm . It was too late . The chair slammed into the guard . He dropped to the floor . Then I saw the guards keys float from his pocket . My cell door was unlocked . I walked over to the guard , stripped his clothes off , and changed into his uniform . I thought I didn 't have much of a choice . If I didn 't do what Nigel wanted he would kill me . Every door I came to slid open without me doing anything . It would have been creepy if I didn 't know what was happening . Soon the alarms started to ring out . People would be grabbing their guns , getting ready to shoot me . I could feel my heart trying to escape from my chest . I soon arrived at fire exit . It opened in front of me . I climbed down some steps . Below me , I could see coppers swarming . I continued to walk down . One of the coppers recognised me . I ran in the opposite direction . He took aim , and I could hear the gun explode behind me . But the bullet didn 't pierce my skin like I expected . Instead , it ended in the ground . I reached a police car , and the engine came on without anyone doing anything . Then I went into a store and bought black trousers and a white shirt . Got changed . And walked out of the shopping centre , expecting to be caught at any time . In my pocket there was five hundred dollars . That was all I had in the world , except for an insane ghost . I decided it was time to go to the library . After chatting to the librarian for a few seconds , she walked me over to a computer which had copies of the local papers for the last twenty years . I typed a search . At first I found nothing , but as I expanded the search back I found him . According to the interview , he was found murdered in his bed . He had been asleep . His wife had been charged and convicted of his murder . But she said she was innocent . Nothing came in response . I knew that would happen . It was too much to hope for . It was getting late at night . The librarian was fussing near me . It was time to go . When you are a fugitive , it isn 't as simple to find a place to stay as booking a room in a hotel . I walked round , looking for an empty house . It took me an hour . Occasionally a police car would go past . It made me nervous . At one time it would have been a posh bungalow . But whoever had owned it had been taken to a care home , and it was covered in weeds and neglect . I walked up to the door , and it swings open . That is one of the advantages of your own private poltergeist . Inside it was a mess . But dry and water proof . There was a wood burning stove in one room . The power was off , and Nigel didn 't turn it on . But the water was only off at the mains . It was easy enough to get it working again . In the morning I would have to start the process of searching for Nigel Slater . I knew roughly where he lived . I fell asleep , and woke up hungry and cramped . Outside , I could hear rustling . I peeked through the window , and could see a man dressed only in black . He looked like he was not very friendly . I ducked down , but he must have seen me . He edged towards the door . It was locked , but he slammed it open . I hid behind the sofa . it didn 't help . He walked towards me . I noticed he had a poker in his hand . There was no way he wouldn 't find me . I stood up . I looked over at him . He had a long scar down his face . it seemed like he was used to trouble . And he was straining to start a fight . I did what he said . He followed me . I thought he might hit me at any second . or recognise me . They must have put my picture out into the news by now . I sighed with relief , but knew that my location might be passed onto the police . I decided it was time to get out of the town . I caught a bus , and tried to hide my face . Since I hadn 't had a bath for a few days it was easier than you might think . People did not want to look me in the eyes . I arrived at Nigel 's house six hours latter . It was a solemn house . A plane front garden laid to grass , brick frontage , and white windows . It didn 't look like anyone had ever cared for it . It looked like it was a place to sleep and not to stay . It took me a few minutes to settle down , and watch the street . There was nothing extraordinary about it . A few people walked past , taking little interest in the stranger . After watching for half an hour , I knew there was little information here for me . Talking round the local shops I found out that Nigel had been a quiet man . Few people knew him , past his saying hello . he didn 't seem to have been involved in anything wrong . or indeed in anything at all . I decided that there could only really have been one source of trouble . He must have found out something at work . Something that made him worth more to someone dead than alive . I got some annual reports from his company and studied them . Amazing what is available on the internet these days . There was little of interest . I applied to work at Nigel 's company as a cleaner . it was a big risk . I supplied false references , and knew they would not check them for months . That 's the thing about cleaners . No one takes any notice . So I got the job , and examined the work place thoroughly . It looked like an office . The computers were always on . Once or twice I looked over the shoulder of someone working but it was all gobbledygook to me . To make it worse , I saw my face on the newspaper when I went for food . Sure , I looked a lot different now . I had grown longer hair , a beard , and was thinner . But it was still me . I grew suspicious of other people . Then came my big break . Several people were working in the office late . I overhead them speaking about a billion dollar deal . The company was getting bought out . I checked the internet , and there was something in the trade section . The routine was the same every day . But one of my colleagues had not turned up to work . So I was asked to clean the main office . I did so . But I did more than that , I broke into the file cabinets , and started reading company secrets . But that didn 't save me for long . The next day I arrived at work a few minutes earlier . Something told me that things were wrong . The security guard on the gate was new . He told me to go out to the bosses office . I walked into a small lab , and looked around . There was a window , and I tried to open it . In the distance I could see five police cars . The window wouldn 't open . There was only one way out . And I knew that by now , there would be police officers between me and the door . I looked round to find a chair . Then used it to break the window . The alarm went , and I slid through the empty hole . But I caught my shoulder on a shard of glass . I was bleeding . The police gave up their pretence . Dozens of sirens started up , heading towards the building . I ran through a green space . I knew that there was only one way out of the compound except the front gate . A hole in the fence I had noticed a few days earlier . But over head their was a helicopter . Although I ran like the wind , it wasn 't enough . I could hear the police men getting closer and closer . I turned around and saw two police officers . They both had guns pointed at me . I raised my hands , and they soon had me on the ground . I arrived at my destination a few hours latter . This time they were taking no chances . I arrived at a super maximum prison . Surrounded by barbed wire , dogs , and armed police officers it was obvious I 'd never get out . The next day the interrogation began . Again and Again . Asking me where I had gone . What I had done . I eventually broke down and told them everything . But that didn 't stop them continuing . Maybe what they were doing was no crime . But it was a form of torture . Eventually , the interrogations stopped . They gave me paper . They wanted to go back to how it used to be . But by that time I had got so angry , even when I did have a dream I kept it to myself . I wasn 't there . So all I can do is repeat the report that was made to me . No guarantee it is what happened . Apparently the director of the FBI had been having an extramarital affair . He was in bed that normal , and engaging in exercise at the same time . This was not expected , but what was even more unexpected was the windows opening wide . And the explosions of a gun . The director of the FBI 's gun . But I do know that it made the national news . The assistant director of the FBI resigned . And , to be frank , most of the people in the FBI did not care much about that . But it was fair warning . He didn 't seem to be exactly happy about what had happened . In fact , he stormed in to the visiting room , and let loose a barrage of swear words . I sat there passively , listening to him . When he calmed down sufficiently , he sat down . " Nigel was right . All he wants is his murderer found . But he isn 't going to stop . Not until that is done . Not even if he has to kill someone else to do it . " " No . I am not . Nigel is a threat to you . If you stand in the way , that is . He is a ghost . What can you do to get rid of him ? " The director of the FBI thought for a few seconds . An hour latter , a priest turned up with bell , book and candle . it didn 't work spectacularly . The power went off , the candle blew out , the bell rang , and the book was thrown across the room . The director gestured to the mirror and two toughs walked in . They carried some rope . They tied me to the chair , and lifted a cosh over their heads . Then all hell broke lose . The cosh swung back by itself . it raised into the air , and came down , laying out one of the thugs . The other caught me a glancing blow , but something unseen lifted him from the floor and threw him against the wall . " You have a choice . Director . Help find Nigel 's killer . Or , I think , Nigel will chase you down and gut you like a fish . " Eventually the Director settled down again . He sat in his chair , silently looking at me . I wasn 't a pretty picture . Thin , and in prison coveralls . I must have looked like a real criminal . They let me go that afternoon . Put me in a suit , and told me I was seconded to the FBI . I was even given my own agent . He was tall , thin , and looked every inch the government man . The agent shook his head . He gave nothing away . That was when I knew he wasn 't sent to help me . Just to keep an eye out on me . Nevertheless , I decided that I could use him . Like he wanted to use me . I looked over to him , and told him to get a warrant . We were going to search Nigel 's company . And read every damn bit of paper they had about Sigma . When we arrived at the door , they had their lawyer sorted out already . Someone must have leaked it . He looked like he had cost a lot of money . " I 'm afraid we have the right not to incriminate ourselves . We are asserting that right . Both as a company , and as individuals . So , no , you can ask any questions but we will not answer them . " I was surprised when I found the clue . It was something no one else would have noticed . A single envelope in the bin . It contained an address . I think Nigel must have been helping me . I was drawn to it . But the thing I noticed was the fact the address had a Sigma stamp . Once we were out of the building , I decided to break away from the FBI agent . I knew some things would work better on my own . it was easier said than done . When I tried to go for a walk that night , he insisted on staying right by me . Getting to the address was difficult . I didn 't have a car , I had to take the bus . Most of the journey there wasn 't even that . And it had began to rain . I must have looked odd , walking around town that late at night , soaked . In fact , I surprised no copper stopped me . " Good enough , " I said . Knowing I was lying as I said it . It wasn 't like it was my strong point . The expression on the coppers face showed he thought not either . He stood there behind me his mouth opened , as I shimmied the lock . it opened . I walked in . This was a mistake , I didn 't notice the small CCTV camera , the camera that was hidden in a plug socket . But it was sending my picture right up to the security office . I worked quickly , going up the stairs to the office . I don 't know what I had expected to see . But what I did see looked just like any other office . Even down to the half drunk cup of coffee . I woke up in the boot of a car . I could feel the engine running , and smell burning petrol . It was pick black . The car started off , bumping along the ground . Hitting me from side to side . My hands were tied behind my back . It was lucky I knew a little magic . I got the knot loose without much effort . Then I grovelled around the car to find something , anything that could help me . There was a wrench , which I picked up . I put the rope around my wrists , hiding the fact I was loose . And put the wrench in my pocket . The boot of the car swung open . One of the security guards lifted me out of the boot . He was covered in muscle . My mouth opened wide . That was the last thing I expected to hear . They marched me along the ground and I saw him for the first time . Nigel . Alive . Then the room went strange . Something turned the lights off , and opened the windows . It even raised a chair off the ground . The security guard looked worried for the first time . " For the last month , I have been searching for the person who killed Nigel Slater . You , sir , are Nigel Slater . But it seems your ghost hasn 't got the information you are alive . " But it didn 't work . By the time that the ambulance arrived , Nigel was in a deep coma . It took only a short time after that until the first homicide detective got there . But the truth is , it was fate . No ones fault . Except the murderer . After all , how can Nigel Slater 's ghost come into my dreams unless he is actually killed ? What happened next surprised me . The cops arrested me . Told me I was being held on suspicion of murder . I told them not to be idiots , but they wrote it in their notebooks and not their minds . By that point the clues would be getting stale , so I drove right to the company . But they wouldn 't let me in . it was a police investigation , they said . No dice . I called the FBI agent and asked him to run the full scan on Slater . By the time he had finished I would know every single family member . And all I had to do was interview them . The only clue left to me was Sigma . The company was closed for a few hours , but the managing director wasn 't . Again the FBI came to my rescue . They had the address , and I wasn 't afraid to use it . We walked up the garden path . It wasn 't the most luxurious house that a managing director had ever lived at . But I knocked on the door anyway . I walked in . Behold , the group was all there . The director of the FBI himself . The attorney general . And a four star general . I could feel the back of my assistant straightening up . The Managing Director pressed a button on the TV . It switched on . Nigel Slater 's office . I saw him pick up his glass . Put the chemicals in it . The MD fast forwarded . Nigel killed himself . " Oil . We got him to produce computer models . All the oil reserves . He was so great . . . well , he could produce a program that told us exactly where oil was , just from satellite images . " Just at that moment a dozen armed guards came into the room . Their guns were pointed right at me . I raised my hands , and was soon plunged into the carpet . They searched me . Didn 't find anything interesting . " Yeah . But I don 't think you did it . I don 't think you were that smart . But I don 't know what this being who calls himself Nigel Slater is , " I didn 't struggle . By now , them putting handcuffs on me was almost routine . I just wish I had been able to continue my life as a charlatan . I didn 't know what to say to that . it was true . it was obvious when you think about it . Nigel had told me he was murdered when he was still alive . but no one ever said the soul was bound to the arrow of time . Within a few minutes we had picked up an escort . From what I could tell , they had closed the road down . Only we were travelling that evening . I gulped . It looked like things were just about to head for the worse . The trip to the Whitehouse was the most fraught I had experienced in my life . The director of the FBI was reading faxes and emails in the car . His face was getting more and more pale . " I guess like the English did in WWII . With disinformation . We need to get an Chinese agent and feed him bad info . And I guess Nigel might be your best hope for that . " I guess the FBI director caught on quickly . Because he could go anywhere , Nigel could listen to the Chinese chatter . He could find Chinese agents . Maybe he didn 't know Chinese , but he knew enough to listen in to the English language conversations . It wasn 't a new concept . The CIA had investigated it in the sixties . But they didn 't have a real life ghost , so their experiments failed . This time we had a real ghost . I asked them to pick out the Ouija board again . The séance room was a sight you had never seen in your life . The president and the director of the FBI holding hands , in a dark room . The president of the united states shook his head . You could tell he couldn 't believe what he was seeing . He got up from his seat , and you could almost hear his bones cracking . Over in the corner of the room I could see a computer with satellite images . I could watch the Chinese fleet mobilising in real time . The number of dots that represented aircraft carriers alone was scary . " It will only be a few days before we have to mobilise our own navy . " The wait was excruciating . But suddenly five hours latter , the board started spelling out a name . The FBI director went to work . Within minutes they had the file out . He didn 't look like what you would expect of a Chinese agent . He had long , blonde hair , was dressed in a respectable suit , and had a respectable job . He worked in the old navy base . His job was to work on the files , reading sensitive military information . Including information about resource allocation . Once they checked his bank account the truth became obvious . The FBI director stood up , and paced down the long thin corridor . Then he arrived back in the meeting room with a young woman . She was dressed in military uniform . He explained the plan . It was simple . The Chinese agent needed to think it had all been a hoax . But for that to work , he would have to eat a pack of lies . I wasn 't there , so I can report only what I have been told . The female agent I had been introduced to worked in the old navy headquarters . She worked in the files there . It is a room full of top secret papers . Room might be the wrong word ; it was the size of an aircraft hanger . She worked there , and had spent months being bored . So naturally , she had struck up a conversation with the handsome blonde military attaché . And , the conversation was reciprocated . The director of the FBI looked at her . She didn 't look like much to put the freedom of the world onto . But she was eager . And after being told what to do , she didn 't complain . She saluted . I stood at the back of the room , watching the Director of the FBI feeling out the officer , and knew I would have to talk to Nigel alone . I didn 't trust her . She looked too good to be true with her starched uniform and willing smile . The new agent went into a staff car , to be driven to the headquarters . She looked very lonely in the back of the car . Meanwhile , we walked to the operations room . There was a banks of monitors the length of the room . We could see satellite images of the build up of the Chinese fleet , as well as real time updates of our spies . I nodded . Then looked back over to the screens . I could see our agent depositing the papers in her draw . She phoned up the Chinese agent , and set up dinner . It looked like a glorious feast . Roast duck , with all the trimmings . The doorbell went . She walked over to it , and opened it . She said something , and the Chinese agent walked into the room . After ten minutes of conversation , she walked away . To go to the toilet . He walked over to the draws , and started rummaging . After a few minutes he found the file our agent had left . He took out the smallest camera you have ever seen , and clicked the image . After that , he put the files away . After he left , the confirmation came thick and fast . The Chinese fleet disbanded . It was amazing to see , but they split up within a matter of hours . Soon the sea around Taiwan was empty except for commercial shipping . I guess that if this had been a story that would be it . I would have been given a party , a celebration , and been allowed to leave . After all , I had saved the day . Well , Nigel did leave . I haven 't heard from him since . After they had finished celebrating , a guard collected me , and drove me in a prison van to here . It is a cold concrete cell . I am allowed a TV , and to write carefully vetted letters . I 'm not sure how I will post this , my story . Maybe I will write it under the postage stamp . I guess for an old crook like me , it is fair . But I wish I had been sent to jail for something I did . And not for some trumped up terrorist charge . Currently we only offer payment for one story selected as the feature story in the monthly pdf magazine only . The successful author will be contacted to organise payment via paypal for a $ 5AUD payment . 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The ship swayed and creaked . He feels every bit of it in his body . Taking no chances the crew , damnedable pirates , have chained him with no give . Legs bound in a kneeling position , arms chained to either wall crucifying him to the ship like a perverse figurehead , he 's been their captive long enough to have forgotten the feel of kindness . It is a small blessing that their fear of him keeps his gag in place at all times . It keeps them from coming anywhere near him . The captain learned a long time ago that he gleans all he needs to live from the moisture in the air , the brine in his eyes . During storms , when he is strongest , the captain posts guards with him . They don 't look at him . A terrible hope fills him today . By the movement of the ship and the crew 's curses , he knows that they 're being pursued by another ship . This ship is a runner , fast . There 'd be little concern of capture if the ship did not gain its quickness from being light , gain its lightness from having little room for armaments or supplies . The pursuers have had them going for a week now and they 'd been out of port for at least a month . He knows from the panic in the crew that the food is all but gone . Soon they 'll be too weak to load what small guns are aboard . He 'd be surprised if they could remember how to sight the cannons it 's been so long since the captain has ordered them used . His hope stems from the pirates ' desperation . If they succumb to practicality then they 'll come for him . With frightened hearts and shaking hands , they 'll undo his chains and he 'll get to spend some time under the sky instead of under foot . So he waits for their desperation to bloom practicality . It does not take long . The first mate comes with three guards and the keys . It is always the first mate that comes to get him . The captain coming himself would make him a person that the captain fears , he wouldn 't last long once that got out among the crew . The first mate is the only one he trusts with the keys to his chains . " The captain wants to see you . " He speaks with a unique accent that comes with the ship 's pidgin of French , Spanish , and Greek . His ears hear the gibberish , but his mind provides him with the meaning . Slowly , they unchain his arms from the ship and secure them behind his back . The guards are afraid to touch him , unsure whether he 'll break or they 'll be infected with something . It strikes him as odd how religious some of these men are . Coming onto the deck , sea spray hits him in the face , covers his bare chest . He instantly feels more alive . He stands taller , muscles flex , the chains bite into his skin . They take him to the captain , standing at the aft of the ship . He stands beside the captain looking out at the wide ocean , the only thing marring their perfect view of the horizon the pursuers . The first mate and guards fold themselves into the three other men standing around them . The captain just stands there for a few minutes , ignoring him . This too is done to show the crew he will do this in his own time , to show that the man he keeps below decks does not frighten him . Around the gag , behind the locked mouth plate , he smiles . Only he and the captain know what he is , and he knows that the captain is frightened of that . " I have use of you . " From under his coat he draws out the key that only he is allowed to keep . He inserts into lock for the face plate . " If you hurt this ship my men will stab you and you will die before you can swim for freedom . Like always , yeah ? " He nods . It 's always the same threat . It vaguely occurs to him that this is only a half life . But then , the spirits would kill for half a life . The plate falls away and he spits the wooden wedge from his mouth . His tongue sticks out , tasting the salt in the air . He flexes his jaw , taking in the blue sky , the white clouds , the gentle waves . He smiles at the captain . Other than the crew 's swords there is very little compelling him . Finally , the captain 's annoyance at the delay shows on his face . He focuses on ship on the horizon . He tries not to think of the men on the ship . He knows he will have to answer for his actions one day , but he 's trying to postpone that day for as long as possible . " I 'm fine . Sorry . " The cabby 's eyes dart from the road to the rearview mirror and back . " I 'm good . I 'm okay . " The cabby 's eyes return to the road and stay there , Lawrence was prepared to keep reassuring him for the rest of the drive as long as he didn 't take his eyes off the road . " That jetlag 's a bitch , isn 't it ? " " Yeah , jetlag . " He doesn 't really feel like talking so he looks out the window . What he sees unsettles him so much that he almost closes his eyes again . Outside the cab desert stretched on for miles . When he 'd met the cabby at the airport he 'd been fine . They 'd been in the middle of a city . He preferred the buildings and people to the endless dry expanse . He tried to think of it as a sea of earth but it just made him queasy . He can 't help it , he closes his eyes . " We 're almost there , " the cabby rouses him . " If I 'd of known I wouldn 't have let you sleep at all . You wouldn 't believe how many people fall asleep in my cab from the airport . " The cabby keeps up a steady stream of chitchat for the next few minutes . Lawrence doesn 't say much , but he 's glad for the distraction . " Here we go , buddy . " He pulls up in front of an independent diner . Lawrence can tell the sign was made with care when it was painted , years in the desert sun has faded it badly . " They got good food here ? " " I don 't know . This is my first time here . " He pays the fare and steps out of the air - conditioned interior . His lips are immediately dry and cracked . The heat cuts him to the core as fast as it dried his lips , the urge to speak rises in him . He needs to escape this heat , he 's drowning in dryness . He rushes inside hoping that they 'll have air - conditioning . No such luck . The interior of the restaurant is as faded as the exterior . He seats himself , impatiently tapping his foot waiting for the waitress . He can hear the sound of the wind . Not the dry , lifeless wind of the desert , but the damp , alive wind of the storm . It 's calling to him , begging him to call out . He licks his lips with a tongue he can barely feel . He can 't help himself , the desert is antithesis for him . Why had he decided to come here ? To satisfy some adolescent curiosity ? He takes one long , shuttering breath . " The special , two of them , just bring me a pitcher of water . " His throat feels so dry . He has to speak now before he loses his chance . " Hmph ! " With blurry vision he watches her flounce back to the kitchen . He grabs the edge of the table to steady himself . He 's clenching his jaw by the time she comes back with a glass for him . He swallows half of it . The cool liquid fills him , calming him . Vision clears , hands stop shaking , the urge lessening . The torrent of wind in his ears shifts to a gentle breeze . How close had he come ? The waitress turns to leave again , he grabs her arm . " Can I get you anything else ? " She says it in such a way that makes Lawrence wonder if it 's actually a question . She tired of him he can tell . She 's too used to bullying the locals . He doesn 't trying to be nice to her , he just takes out a fifty and lays it on the table . " This is your tip if you keep bringing me pitchers of water . " Her eyes gleam slightly as she stares at the bill on the table . Slowly she puts the pitcher on the table . " Thank you . " He drains the rest of his glass and pours another . He finishes this one in three huge gulps . He doesn 't feel as trapped now , his breathing has evened out . He fills the glass a third time , finishing off the pitcher , but only sips this one . A couple minutes pass , the waitress brings his two specials and another pitcher . Lawrence only picks at his food . Between the desert and the age of the equipment in the diner the food is completely dry . Mainly he just cuts up the food and moves it around on his plate . Mainly he watches the people in the restaurant . He immediately discounts his waitress . Seeing her move around the diner , speaking with her , she 's spent most of her life trying to get away from this place . It 's a pity that she 'd never really feel like she belongs anywhere . An old man sits in another booth . He is weathered , his countenance telling the story of a life in the desert . Despite the heat of the day he 's drinking coffee . Lawrence would have considered him a likely candidate if his research didn 't tell him he is looking for someone younger . Besides the old man doesn 't look like he belongs here , only that he 's gotten used to living here . It 's an old style diner setup , so Lawrence can see the cook behind the half wall separating the kitchen from the dining area . Cook would be a wonderful job for who he 's looking for . The heat rising from the stove providing a fix for the cravings while at work . Though nothing compared to the natural heat of the desert it would do while at work . Unfortunately the cook is wearing a sleeveless shirt that 's plastered to his body with sweat . Lawrence 's heart falls . He 's not close enough to the cook to pick up a flow from him , but the fact that he 's sweating tells him all he needs to know . It 's possible his sources were wrong . It 's not easy to track a Bearer . The burden / gift they bear making it too hard to get a fix on them . He 's about to get up , throwing the contents of his glass down his throat , when the kitchen door swings open and a young man steps through . Lawrence puts his cup down and watches him . Something in the way he moves is different . Somehow his movements come off as light , almost bouncy . Even just clearing dishes from tables , his movements are quick , precise . He wears a t - shirt , jeans , and boots , all are cheap , but he still has an air of status . Lawrence notes that he 's not sweating . He looks up , checking for more stray dishes . Lawrence motions him over . " You finished with this , mister ? " Lawrence inhales and catches the scent of aged stone . " Sorry , mister , I 'm just here for the dishes . You 'll want to try Craiper St . around ten tonight . " He grabs a plate , Lawrence grabs his wrist . Sun … Heat … Dry … Sand … Lawrence pulls his hand away , palm red . Perspiration stands out on the young man 's brow now , fear in his eyes . He slides into the booth across from Lawrence . Lawrence pours another glass of water and waits for the boy to say something . " I 'm on break ! " She throws up her hands and goes back into the kitchen . Tito smiles at Lawrence . " Let 's go outside . " Lawrence downs his water and follows him out and around the diner . " I 'm Benjamin Fuller , but everyone calls me , Tito . Now who the hell are you ? " It 's a fair question . If he doesn 't know what he is then he 's probably really freaked out . Lawrence can 't blame him , he 's been there . " Ha , not likely , man . " Tito looks skeptical , very skeptical . There 's at least fifteen years between them . And while Tito isn 't a full blooded Mexican , Lawrence can tell at least one of his parents is , while Lawrence couldn 't be more white without being an albino . It 's hard to believe . " I don 't mean biologically . I mean spiritually . " Tito 's face is instantly serious . " You can feel it , can 't you ? That subtle , tickling at the back of your brain that makes you feel like you know me , even while at your core I unsettle you . " " Yes . " Tito looks so relieved that it breaks Lawrence 's heart . He knows what it 's like to finally have this explained . Lawrence had spent three years in a mental hospital trying to deal by himself . Tito is a strong young man . " Where is there open desert ? " Tito points down an alley . Lawrence starts walking , Tito doesn 't need to be told to follow , he falls into step next to Lawrence careful not to touch him . They come out the other end of the alley seeing open land . For Lawrence it 's as close to nothing as he ever wants to get . Longing fills Tito 's eyes . " I want to share something with you . Watch out there . " Lawrence takes a deep breath and centers himself . The urge to speak has been growing since they stepped out of the diner , the dryness creeping in to all his dark places . Tito 's hands fly up to cover his ears . " Ah ! What the hell ? " FLASH ! BOOM ! The thunder cuts off any further curses . Tito 's gaze is drawn out to the desert , where black storm clouds have formed out of nowhere . The fear is back in his eyes , he retreats till his back hits the wall to the building . " What have you done ? " " I spoke my Word . We 're Word Bearers , Tito . You have your own . Can you feel it ? Deep in core . " Lawrence can see he 's confused . He 's frightened , overwhelmed . FLASHBOOM ! " You can stop this , Tito . Go ahead . Say your Word . I want to hear it . " " I don 't … I 'm not sure . " Confusion and fear war on Tito 's face . Lawrence hopes he won 't run . He didn 't mean to scare the boy . " Of course you 're sure . You 've known it for centuries , you just haven 't spoken it yet . It 's okay . I 'm here with you . " His first step is hesitant , his second is firm , his third is confident . Lawrence realizes he 's holding his breath . Tito looks up at him , he nods . Tito fixes his gaze on the storm . " " There it is . It 's as quiet as Lawrence 's Word is loud , but no less powerful . It 's so beautiful . As Lawrence watches the storm clouds dissipate a tear rolls down his cheek . 2 Dad suffered even from a sight of blood , and he never killed a hen nor slaughtered a pig . But I was aware that once he had donated his blood in the name of my Mum still , because she 'd had a narrow escape on an operating table then . With me a doctor would have my blood tested in a moment : one , two and it 's done . But first they make you ready for rather a time : take a seat , then have a proper finger chosen , though it is always just the one , then they wipe it with spirits until take somewhat sharp like a mini - scalpel . Not everyone can stand the procedure , but I was not against it when a doctor suggested me having my blood tested . She was a likable one , youngish for her age , not married or divorced , probably . And she had no child , I felt it immediately , she had such a look , barren if you want . Possibly for health reasons she could not bear a child or she didn 't find a right man . Or she could have a particular blood group not to have a child with anyone , that 's why she employed at a doctor 's consulting room to make blood tests . And she urged me to have my blood tested . At first I didn 't mind it , the right thing it is , still she didn 't ask my permission . " Just let 's have your blood tested " , she said and left me . She had many things to do I suppose . In doctor 's smocks they walked hither and thither all the time at a clinic there talking over the heads of those waiting , as if one was dead already . And I was still alive and a nurse was preparing to have my blood tested . While she got me ready she was chattering . She said that men were afraid of blood testing nowadays . More and more they refused to do it and ran away sometimes seeing a drop of blood . And one had nothing to fear , there was a couch behind the curtain in a special emergency to lie low , in case one fainted . She pulled the white curtain aside and showed me a couch with dark green leatherette and I shivered all at once : what for they needed my blood ? She suggested me taking off a jacket and rolling up my sleeve , left or right one , I don 't rMy Bio : Mr . Valery Petrovskiy is a journalist and short story writer from Russia . Не is an English Department graduate at Chuvash State University , Cheboksary , graduated in journalism at VKSch Higher School , Moscow and in psychology at Kazan State Technology University . He has been writing prose since 2005 . Some of his writing has been published in The Scrambler , Rusty Typer , BRICKrethoric , NAP Magazine , Literary Burlesque , The Other Room , Curbside Quotidian , DANSE MACABRE , WidowMoon Press , PRIME MINCER , Apocrypha and Abstractions , The Legendary in the USA , and in Australian " Skive " and " Going Down Swinging " magazines . At the moment he is writer - in - residence at Marco Polo Art Mag . It 's dark in here . That 's because I live at the bottom of the jewellery box along with the other outcasts : the tangled necklace with the broken lobster claw and teddy pendant she got for her eleventh birthday , along with the bracelet that 's missing a couple of gem stones . She always says she will have them repaired but never does , preferring to spend the money on more fashionable pieces instead that imitate Asian and Oriental designs . An untrained eye might imagine that they were found by a back - packer on their travels , but they weren 't . They can be bought from any shop on the high - street , and are merely echoes of worlds she 's never seen . Not all of us down here are broken though . I 'm not , and neither is the engagement ring she got from Mark , ( who eventually cheated on her with Shannon from Reception , ) or the belly bar she took out when she put weight on and decided looked too young for her anyway . The ones at the top who get worn more often pity us , ( ' how boring it must be , ' they say to each other in whispers they think we can 't hear , ' being cooped up down there , month in , month out , ' ) but in a way they 're jealous . As I 've said , you could buy them in their hundreds if you wanted to , and they are without sentimental value like the childhood necklace or the belly bar that reminds her of her wild teens and early twenties . They 're easily replaced and she gives them away when they become outdated - or chucks them if even her younger sister and the charity shops say no , thanks . She doesn 't like Mark 's ring or me , so it isn 't often that her fingers dig through the chunky bangles and strings of beads to bring me to the surface . It happens maybe three or four times a year when she has arranged to visit The Matriarch . The ring doesn 't even get a look in . Why Mark wouldn 't let her give it back to him so that he could give it to someone he did love is beyond us ; at least that way it would have been enjoyed . All the same , seeing as I 'm an heirloom and the ring is eighteen carat white goPerhaps you imagine I get bitter when the voices of the favoured ones float above my head , chattering away about their ventures out of the box : days at work , dinners , dates , parties and who was there , who wasn 't there , what she wore … you get the drift . Or worse , maybe you feel sorry for me . I 'd rather you didn 't . Pity the rest but not me . I 'm not so keen on their weight pressing down on me but I don 't mind the dark . In fact I quite like it . It reminds me of home , my real one , from before I met people . As for being bitter , you can rule that out . I 'm a pearl , darling ; it 's not in my nature . You lot have seen me as a symbol of love for thousands of years and I do try to live up to my name by being kind - although I cannot help but wince sometimes at the irony , given that the first person I ever met died . Don 't look at me like that ; it wasn 't my fault . But that 's why she doesn 't like me . All the same , when you 've being kept in a family for over a century you do take an interest in your present owner , even if it 's not reciprocated , so I enjoy listening to the young ones ' gossip . Let them have their fun while they still can . The best they can hope for is a place in a child 's dressing - up box in just a few , short years so they might as well enjoy it . 2 . Memories . I might be old - fashioned and be from a past that she and you would rather forget , but I 'm not like your kind . I will endure and outlive the others , her - even you . And I never forget . My memory doesn 't grow weak with age , it gets stronger . I can still smell what my home was like ; still feel the movements of the person who found me when he panicked and rushed too quickly to the top , and the urgent , grasping hand of the first , but different person to ever touch me , as though I 'd only stopped smelling and feeling them a minute ago . The memories of my owners and the events in their lives play like the films you are so fond of ; the moment when her grandfather proposed to her grandmother , and the christening of her mother , they are a3 . Before she grew up . I suppose you think it strange that her grandmother , ( or The Matriarch as she jokingly calls her , ) skipped a generation and gave me to someone who doesn 't like me , but it never used to be this way . When she was little and used to visit her grandmother she would ask , ( very politely after giving her a peck on the cheek , ) if she could play with her jewellery box . The answer was always yes , and she would very carefully hunt through the diamonds and gold to find me , pin me to her jumper and wear me for the rest of the time she was there . It became something of a ritual , to the point where her grandmother began to pick me out herself and would put me on the coffee table ready for when she arrived . When she was eighteen , The Matriarch had a heart attack , and fearing that she would never leave hospital , insisted on the girl 's mother driving for two hours to get me , so that she could give me to her personally before it was too late . They were very close , and still are in spite of the distance , for she survived against all the odds . Whenever she goes to see her she always comments on how lovely it is , seeing her granddaughter all grown up , wearing her old brooch that 's always been her favourite . And I was for a time . Traditionally I was only worn for a special or significant occasion , but when she was at college I had the strange but enjoyable experience of being put in her pocket and going with her , and if she felt nervous about something her fingers would slide down to stroke me . Normally I hated people manhandling me , but I didn 't mind in her case - it was better than her biting her nails . It was almost as if she thought that having me with her would stop something bad happening - and I have been viewed as ' lucky . ' Stop sniggering , it 's true . In the days of knights and sword - fighting , we would be worn when the rich and noble went into battle because they thought we would protect them from harm , so don 't laugh at her . It felt good , being wanted , and I have to confess I came in danger You don 't like being reminded of your past - those days of glory when Britain ruled half the world . I think that 's why you apologise so much , and give more than you can afford to charities trying to save the poor and starving around the globe . It 's almost as though you 're trying to make up for all the wrongs done before you were born . And I 've tried to avoid talking about it in case you ran away - I get lonely sometimes and it 's nice having someone to talk to . But you can 't run forever , things have to be faced eventually . Some of you may already know and may already be trying to shut out the sound of my words by turning your thoughts to the plans you 've made for the weekend , but there 'll be a lot of you who don 't . There are lots of happy anecdotes from my owners ' lives I could have told you but this is the one you need to hear : My story . We are not like your kind , but there is one thing we have in common : just as you can 't remember coming out of the womb , we don 't know what it was like being a grain of sand or piece of shell squeezing our way inside an oyster and hardening ; all I remember is being . There were no thoughts , for when you live inside a shell there isn 't a great deal to think about - nothing happens . That probably sounds dull to you but there was no sadness , no pain or death . It was peaceful , just being . I didn 't know this at the time but even nothing has to come to an end eventually : the day would always have come when I would be found . It will be hard for you to understand what it was like being taken out of water , hearing sounds , seeing colours and light - all for the first time . On paper it sounds great , this explosion of life , but the reality was frightening - and even fear was something I had never heard of or felt before . Maybe that 's why your newborns usually cry when they come out , because they 're scared and want to go back . I 'm trying to think of ways to describe how it was to you , and the only way I can think of is for you to imagine an ancient Egyptian being placed in the middle of a supermarket . That might give you a better idea , but even that doesn 't come close . I 've learnt a lot since then - ( I 've had to , I didn 't have any other choice - ) but there 's one thing I 've never been able to get my head around , and that is time . Your lives are ruled by clocks and diaries telling you when deadlines or birthdays are due , but when you have so much time whole years , even decades can pass you by . Forgive me then , if I am a little hazy on dates . What I can tell you is that I was brought to the surface in the late 1800s , which makes me special . There aren 't many of us that come from nature now . Most are made by man in bulk on farms . Things changed . You suddenly became concerned about human life and diving equipment got better . Both meant that the world 's poor no were no longer forced to hold their breaths for comments » I knew that someone important was going to walk into my life at 12 : 15 , just after I normally drink tea and prepare for an slow day working on the horoscope . Now , maybe you might not believe me . After all , I am a professional charlatan . But I knew something was up , because for the last two weeks every prediction I have made actually worked out . It started when I saw Mrs Henderson . She was a fat woman , an unpleasant woman , a great client . Like most people who wanted a reading , she didn 't want the truth . And normally I didn 't give it to her . I pulled out the equipment . It was a plain set . It looked like bone china , but was made in china for a very low price . Mrs Henderson looked impressed anyway . She had a lot of money , and not a lot of sense . Anyway , I started reading the information contained in the tea leafs . And then the world went blank . When I returned to the world , Mrs Henderson was gone . I walked out of the shop I had rented , and another of the shopkeepers came up to me . He was normally an quiet , amicable chap . This time he looked like he wanted to throttle me . " She came out of here . Howling and crying , like you 'd tried to kill her . " he put his face up to mine , " You ever do it again and I 'll . . " " I don 't know what you 're talking about , " and I backed away from him . He stalked off . I walked back to my shop , ready to wait for my next appointment . Mrs Abbot didn 't come . She left a nervous message on my answer phone . At the time I didn 't realise why . Because I had no other clients for the day , I went home . My mouth opened wide . It was such a shock , it seemed like I 'd just been told I was about to die . And then . Then I was in my bed , looking at the ceiling . The police officers had gone . But it felt more real than a dream . It must have been a dream . Yeah , that was what it was , I convinced myself . Although I should have known better . In Ireland you can make a full time living as a psychic . less so in England . The English wouldn 't even pay you if you could predict the lottery . So I also work as a pitchman . Which , if you think about it , is just another way to make a dishonest buck . I walked to the nearest boot sale , and set up . It isn 't too crowded in the morning . And everyone is busy . So I crawl in through the hedge . They don 't know that I 'm there against the rules . I set up . My table is old fashioned . A suitcase with legs you fold out . Like the true pitchmen of the 50 's . My pitch is the worm . They wiggle around my hand , like they are alive . The fools in the crowd gave me money . That is what they are for . She had the longest blondest hair this side of fairyland , and her smile lights up the room like a flashlight . And I knew I am meant to talk to her . Just now . She walked off . I had the sense she is in trouble . She was poorer than she used to be , her clothes were expensive , but last years fashion . I had a feeling I will meet her again . When I got there , there was Mrs Henderson and her husband . Their eyes were red . They had been crying . I couldn 't understand what they were there for . I managed to get them to leave . At first I thought that the gossip would help me . But the truth is , no one wants to go to a psychic that tells them the truth . Life is hard enough . You go to a psychic to hear lies . I made some money as a pitchman , so it didn 't affect me too much . But I kept on having bad dreams . I kept on seeing people I knew in them . Not just that , I saw how they died . Their pain . And I started to write down what I saw . In a book by my bedside cabinet . The extra time I had meant I was drinking more too . It was like I 'd been cursed . But the worst was the Christians . They decided that these dreams were inspired by Satan . They set up the picket line in front of my office . I started to think I should simply leave . On Wednesday , the cleaner came in . She was a nosy parker . And no mistake . Her husband had died a few years back , and she was interested in everything . While it 's not the way she put it , she was very interested in the diary . All the details of the different murders and deaths I 'd seen . All the factual details that no one else other than the murderer could know . She took it to the police , and they read it , and they got their warrant . I arrived back at the normal time , and nothing was different . The book was there . I didn 't notice the surveillance cameras . Not at all . They broke in that night . It wasn 't a dream . And I looked up to them bleary eyed , a gun pointing in my face , and swore . They dragged me towards the back of the car , and I noticed someone had decided to give the press warning . So it was very public . Once in , they took me right there . And kitted me out in fetching jail clothing , since I was still in pyjamas . This was the first time I was in jail , and I can tell you it is not as bad as some people say . There is an odd vinegar smell , hiding other bodily fluids . And it is never quiet . There is always shouting going on , and doors slammed . But it was no worse than some hotels I 've been in while performing . I looked across at my lawyer . Short , thin , balding and bored . The police officer had my diary in front of him . He picked it up . " In it , you 've got the details of dozens of murders . Information the police hasn 't released to the public . Information . . . dare I say it , in some cases that the police didn 't even know themselves . " And that was it . That was the full content of the interview . I was hustled off into the cell , and ended up waiting for days . In telephone conversations with friends , I knew the police were digging up my life . I was given a notebook , and a pen , and I continued to write down my dreams . I thought I might as well . The police would search my cell every now and again , and confiscate them . They even moved me to solitary . Made sure no one could be feeding me this information . Or , presumably , that I wasn 't ordering the killings . But the dreams continued . They were getting worse and worse . Every morning I woke up feeling like I had not slept . I guess at least things looked up , because they took me from prison . They drove me along country lanes , towards a building . I can 't tell you precisely where it was . It just looked like an old school to be honest . You 'd never have guessed it was an intelligence headquarters . They bundled me out into an empty building . You 've heard of the secret prisons . Well , they are true . They dressed me up in a uniform , tagged my ankle , and locked me in a cage . The only thing they gave me was some paper and a pen to write down my dreams . Sometimes people came to research me . They put me in scanners , and gave me all kinds of medical tests . The results were unsurprising . I was just a normal , healthy individual . And that was how it seemed I was destined to live for the rest of my life . Until I started to hear the voices . They were low . Just like someone was talking in the next room . Distant . And I couldn 't make them out . That night I was tossing and turning , and I heard someone shout out my name . I woke up . No one was there . Then I tried to get asleep again , and managed it . But the voice was insistent . Nothing answered me . The guards walked past my cell . But with the dreams and the voices , I was getting no sleep . It started to affect me so badly I would not even eat food . Within a few days I was exhausted . Mentally and physically drained . And I guess that is what the creatures wanted . Because soon they broke through . It 's hard to tell you how it felt . But if you have ever had a moment of shock , when you suddenly feel like you aren 't there , you 'll know . He said his name . And then the voice faded away . But I knew I had to do precisely what he told me . I 'd go mad otherwise . Maybe I was already mad . The opportunity came sooner than I expected . My handlers were getting anxious . I was producing less predictions than normal , and the federal conviction rate was plummeting through the floor . The handlers looked like model citizens . Dark suits , a man and a woman dressed formally , like they were lawyers . They flashed their badge to me . I don 't know why , the fact I was in a prison gave them away . The police officer fell back . You could see him working it through in his mind . Despite the success of my predictions , he settled on the conclusion I was mad . After all , psychic phenomena were impossible . He 'd read that once . I shook my head . But that night , I was thinking about it , and decided that I had to ask . Had to have a conversation , if only for my sanity . When the voices started up , I leaned forward in my bed . I asked the question again . But he would say nothing of use to me . he would only repeatedly ask me to find his killers . Not very useful . Eventually , I managed to coax his name from him . Nigel . Not a very good name for a joke . That was the strange thing . No murder victims of that name came up . Not any time soon . But a week later , a Nigel disappeared . And I realised the truth . I looked through the court reports . He had been killed by stabbing . They wouldn 't let me out of the jail . So all I could do was read the files they brought on him . And I got the feeling that many of the details had been redacted . it was like looking for a haystack in an elephant : messy and not very satisfactory . There were only two people I decided who could have done it . They both had a great deal to gain . At the end of the day , though , there is a limit to what you can do from inside a jail cell . The guards looked sceptically at me when I asked for it . But I was responsible for half the murder arrests in the district for the last six months . So they eventually gave me what I wanted . Especially when I refused to furnish them with any more information . I don 't know if you have ever been to a proper séance . Well , to be honest , most of the time the knocks are from the medium . But this time it was different . Within moments of the séance starting , I was aware that the room was colder . Then the entire board lifted off the table , and flew towards me . It hit the wall a few inches from my face . The room warmed up again . The presence was gone . For a little while . " I didn 't " I replied . I knew that he didn 't believe me . But he would have to show more senior people . And I knew they couldn 't afford to risk me . I went back to bed . For the first time in weeks , I had no bad dreams . I guess Nigel knew I understood his message . I slept very soundly . Until the next morning . But my guards didn 't really understand . Or they did not want to understand . My handler met me in the interview room the next morning . He looked tired . Besides him sat a man I hadn 't seen before . He wore the cleanest , most expensive suit I had seen during my stay at the states pleasure . The man stood up . He walked out of the room . Measured , and without menace . But he didn 't seem to be a man used to dealing with no . My handler shook his head . He didn 't need to tell me the consequences . All of a sudden , I was put on suicide watch . Woken up every thirty minutes to see if I wasn 't dead yet . The heating in my cell surprisingly broke . I knew I was in their hands totally . But I never realised what it was like to displease them . You see , Nigel might be a ghost , but that doesn 't mean he is stupid . He can see what is happening . He knows they are stopping me doing what he wants . And this gets him angry . They first times he acted , it looked like coincidence . The guards chair would tilt under him , depositing him on the floor . Or cups of coffee were not placed firmly enough on the table . The guards were spooked by me . They knew that I was able to see things they could not . But although the guards face became pale , his hand on the trigger was steady and firm . It was too late . The chair slammed into the guard . He dropped to the floor . Then I saw the guards keys float from his pocket . My cell door was unlocked . I walked over to the guard , stripped his clothes off , and changed into his uniform . I thought I didn 't have much of a choice . If I didn 't do what Nigel wanted he would kill me . Every door I came to slid open without me doing anything . It would have been creepy if I didn 't know what was happening . Soon the alarms started to ring out . People would be grabbing their guns , getting ready to shoot me . I could feel my heart trying to escape from my chest . I soon arrived at fire exit . It opened in front of me . I climbed down some steps . Below me , I could see coppers swarming . I continued to walk down . One of the coppers recognised me . I ran in the opposite direction . He took aim , and I could hear the gun explode behind me . But the bullet didn 't pierce my skin like I expected . Instead , it ended in the ground . I reached a police car , and the engine came on without anyone doing anything . Then I went into a store and bought black trousers and a white shirt . Got changed . And walked out of the shopping centre , expecting to be caught at any time . In my pocket there was five hundred dollars . That was all I had in the world , except for an insane ghost . I decided it was time to go to the library . After chatting to the librarian for a few seconds , she walked me over to a computer which had copies of the local papers for the last twenty years . I typed a search . At first I found nothing , but as I expanded the search back I found him . According to the interview , he was found murdered in his bed . He had been asleep . His wife had been charged and convicted of his murder . But she said she was innocent . Nothing came in response . I knew that would happen . It was too much to hope for . It was getting late at night . The librarian was fussing near me . It was time to go . When you are a fugitive , it isn 't as simple to find a place to stay as booking a room in a hotel . I walked round , looking for an empty house . It took me an hour . Occasionally a police car would go past . It made me nervous . At one time it would have been a posh bungalow . But whoever had owned it had been taken to a care home , and it was covered in weeds and neglect . I walked up to the door , and it swings open . That is one of the advantages of your own private poltergeist . Inside it was a mess . But dry and water proof . There was a wood burning stove in one room . The power was off , and Nigel didn 't turn it on . But the water was only off at the mains . It was easy enough to get it working again . In the morning I would have to start the process of searching for Nigel Slater . I knew roughly where he lived . I fell asleep , and woke up hungry and cramped . Outside , I could hear rustling . I peeked through the window , and could see a man dressed only in black . He looked like he was not very friendly . I ducked down , but he must have seen me . He edged towards the door . It was locked , but he slammed it open . I hid behind the sofa . it didn 't help . He walked towards me . I noticed he had a poker in his hand . There was no way he wouldn 't find me . I stood up . I looked over at him . He had a long scar down his face . it seemed like he was used to trouble . And he was straining to start a fight . I did what he said . He followed me . I thought he might hit me at any second . or recognise me . They must have put my picture out into the news by now . I sighed with relief , but knew that my location might be passed onto the police . I decided it was time to get out of the town . I caught a bus , and tried to hide my face . Since I hadn 't had a bath for a few days it was easier than you might think . People did not want to look me in the eyes . I arrived at Nigel 's house six hours latter . It was a solemn house . A plane front garden laid to grass , brick frontage , and white windows . It didn 't look like anyone had ever cared for it . It looked like it was a place to sleep and not to stay . It took me a few minutes to settle down , and watch the street . There was nothing extraordinary about it . A few people walked past , taking little interest in the stranger . After watching for half an hour , I knew there was little information here for me . Talking round the local shops I found out that Nigel had been a quiet man . Few people knew him , past his saying hello . he didn 't seem to have been involved in anything wrong . or indeed in anything at all . I decided that there could only really have been one source of trouble . He must have found out something at work . Something that made him worth more to someone dead than alive . I got some annual reports from his company and studied them . Amazing what is available on the internet these days . There was little of interest . I applied to work at Nigel 's company as a cleaner . it was a big risk . I supplied false references , and knew they would not check them for months . That 's the thing about cleaners . No one takes any notice . So I got the job , and examined the work place thoroughly . It looked like an office . The computers were always on . Once or twice I looked over the shoulder of someone working but it was all gobbledygook to me . To make it worse , I saw my face on the newspaper when I went for food . Sure , I looked a lot different now . I had grown longer hair , a beard , and was thinner . But it was still me . I grew suspicious of other people . Then came my big break . Several people were working in the office late . I overhead them speaking about a billion dollar deal . The company was getting bought out . I checked the internet , and there was something in the trade section . The routine was the same every day . But one of my colleagues had not turned up to work . So I was asked to clean the main office . I did so . But I did more than that , I broke into the file cabinets , and started reading company secrets . But that didn 't save me for long . The next day I arrived at work a few minutes earlier . Something told me that things were wrong . The security guard on the gate was new . He told me to go out to the bosses office . I walked into a small lab , and looked around . There was a window , and I tried to open it . In the distance I could see five police cars . The window wouldn 't open . There was only one way out . And I knew that by now , there would be police officers between me and the door . I looked round to find a chair . Then used it to break the window . The alarm went , and I slid through the empty hole . But I caught my shoulder on a shard of glass . I was bleeding . The police gave up their pretence . Dozens of sirens started up , heading towards the building . I ran through a green space . I knew that there was only one way out of the compound except the front gate . A hole in the fence I had noticed a few days earlier . But over head their was a helicopter . Although I ran like the wind , it wasn 't enough . I could hear the police men getting closer and closer . I turned around and saw two police officers . They both had guns pointed at me . I raised my hands , and they soon had me on the ground . I arrived at my destination a few hours latter . This time they were taking no chances . I arrived at a super maximum prison . Surrounded by barbed wire , dogs , and armed police officers it was obvious I 'd never get out . The next day the interrogation began . Again and Again . Asking me where I had gone . What I had done . I eventually broke down and told them everything . But that didn 't stop them continuing . Maybe what they were doing was no crime . But it was a form of torture . Eventually , the interrogations stopped . They gave me paper . They wanted to go back to how it used to be . But by that time I had got so angry , even when I did have a dream I kept it to myself . I wasn 't there . So all I can do is repeat the report that was made to me . No guarantee it is what happened . Apparently the director of the FBI had been having an extramarital affair . He was in bed that normal , and engaging in exercise at the same time . This was not expected , but what was even more unexpected was the windows opening wide . And the explosions of a gun . The director of the FBI 's gun . But I do know that it made the national news . The assistant director of the FBI resigned . And , to be frank , most of the people in the FBI did not care much about that . But it was fair warning . He didn 't seem to be exactly happy about what had happened . In fact , he stormed in to the visiting room , and let loose a barrage of swear words . I sat there passively , listening to him . When he calmed down sufficiently , he sat down . " Nigel was right . All he wants is his murderer found . But he isn 't going to stop . Not until that is done . Not even if he has to kill someone else to do it . " " No . I am not . Nigel is a threat to you . If you stand in the way , that is . He is a ghost . What can you do to get rid of him ? " The director of the FBI thought for a few seconds . An hour latter , a priest turned up with bell , book and candle . it didn 't work spectacularly . The power went off , the candle blew out , the bell rang , and the book was thrown across the room . The director gestured to the mirror and two toughs walked in . They carried some rope . They tied me to the chair , and lifted a cosh over their heads . Then all hell broke lose . The cosh swung back by itself . it raised into the air , and came down , laying out one of the thugs . The other caught me a glancing blow , but something unseen lifted him from the floor and threw him against the wall . " You have a choice . Director . Help find Nigel 's killer . Or , I think , Nigel will chase you down and gut you like a fish . " Eventually the Director settled down again . He sat in his chair , silently looking at me . I wasn 't a pretty picture . Thin , and in prison coveralls . I must have looked like a real criminal . They let me go that afternoon . Put me in a suit , and told me I was seconded to the FBI . I was even given my own agent . He was tall , thin , and looked every inch the government man . The agent shook his head . He gave nothing away . That was when I knew he wasn 't sent to help me . Just to keep an eye out on me . Nevertheless , I decided that I could use him . Like he wanted to use me . I looked over to him , and told him to get a warrant . We were going to search Nigel 's company . And read every damn bit of paper they had about Sigma . When we arrived at the door , they had their lawyer sorted out already . Someone must have leaked it . He looked like he had cost a lot of money . " I 'm afraid we have the right not to incriminate ourselves . We are asserting that right . Both as a company , and as individuals . So , no , you can ask any questions but we will not answer them . " I was surprised when I found the clue . It was something no one else would have noticed . A single envelope in the bin . It contained an address . I think Nigel must have been helping me . I was drawn to it . But the thing I noticed was the fact the address had a Sigma stamp . Once we were out of the building , I decided to break away from the FBI agent . I knew some things would work better on my own . it was easier said than done . When I tried to go for a walk that night , he insisted on staying right by me . Getting to the address was difficult . I didn 't have a car , I had to take the bus . Most of the journey there wasn 't even that . And it had began to rain . I must have looked odd , walking around town that late at night , soaked . In fact , I surprised no copper stopped me . " Good enough , " I said . Knowing I was lying as I said it . It wasn 't like it was my strong point . The expression on the coppers face showed he thought not either . He stood there behind me his mouth opened , as I shimmied the lock . it opened . I walked in . This was a mistake , I didn 't notice the small CCTV camera , the camera that was hidden in a plug socket . But it was sending my picture right up to the security office . I worked quickly , going up the stairs to the office . I don 't know what I had expected to see . But what I did see looked just like any other office . Even down to the half drunk cup of coffee . I woke up in the boot of a car . I could feel the engine running , and smell burning petrol . It was pick black . The car started off , bumping along the ground . Hitting me from side to side . My hands were tied behind my back . It was lucky I knew a little magic . I got the knot loose without much effort . Then I grovelled around the car to find something , anything that could help me . There was a wrench , which I picked up . I put the rope around my wrists , hiding the fact I was loose . And put the wrench in my pocket . The boot of the car swung open . One of the security guards lifted me out of the boot . He was covered in muscle . My mouth opened wide . That was the last thing I expected to hear . They marched me along the ground and I saw him for the first time . Nigel . Alive . Then the room went strange . Something turned the lights off , and opened the windows . It even raised a chair off the ground . The security guard looked worried for the first time . " For the last month , I have been searching for the person who killed Nigel Slater . You , sir , are Nigel Slater . But it seems your ghost hasn 't got the information you are alive . " But it didn 't work . By the time that the ambulance arrived , Nigel was in a deep coma . It took only a short time after that until the first homicide detective got there . But the truth is , it was fate . No ones fault . Except the murderer . After all , how can Nigel Slater 's ghost come into my dreams unless he is actually killed ? What happened next surprised me . The cops arrested me . Told me I was being held on suspicion of murder . I told them not to be idiots , but they wrote it in their notebooks and not their minds . By that point the clues would be getting stale , so I drove right to the company . But they wouldn 't let me in . it was a police investigation , they said . No dice . I called the FBI agent and asked him to run the full scan on Slater . By the time he had finished I would know every single family member . And all I had to do was interview them . The only clue left to me was Sigma . The company was closed for a few hours , but the managing director wasn 't . Again the FBI came to my rescue . They had the address , and I wasn 't afraid to use it . We walked up the garden path . It wasn 't the most luxurious house that a managing director had ever lived at . But I knocked on the door anyway . I walked in . Behold , the group was all there . The director of the FBI himself . The attorney general . And a four star general . I could feel the back of my assistant straightening up . The Managing Director pressed a button on the TV . It switched on . Nigel Slater 's office . I saw him pick up his glass . Put the chemicals in it . The MD fast forwarded . Nigel killed himself . " Oil . We got him to produce computer models . All the oil reserves . He was so great . . . well , he could produce a program that told us exactly where oil was , just from satellite images . " Just at that moment a dozen armed guards came into the room . Their guns were pointed right at me . I raised my hands , and was soon plunged into the carpet . They searched me . Didn 't find anything interesting . " Yeah . But I don 't think you did it . I don 't think you were that smart . But I don 't know what this being who calls himself Nigel Slater is , " I didn 't struggle . By now , them putting handcuffs on me was almost routine . I just wish I had been able to continue my life as a charlatan . I didn 't know what to say to that . it was true . it was obvious when you think about it . Nigel had told me he was murdered when he was still alive . but no one ever said the soul was bound to the arrow of time . Within a few minutes we had picked up an escort . From what I could tell , they had closed the road down . Only we were travelling that evening . I gulped . It looked like things were just about to head for the worse . The trip to the Whitehouse was the most fraught I had experienced in my life . The director of the FBI was reading faxes and emails in the car . His face was getting more and more pale . " I guess like the English did in WWII . With disinformation . We need to get an Chinese agent and feed him bad info . And I guess Nigel might be your best hope for that . " I guess the FBI director caught on quickly . Because he could go anywhere , Nigel could listen to the Chinese chatter . He could find Chinese agents . Maybe he didn 't know Chinese , but he knew enough to listen in to the English language conversations . It wasn 't a new concept . The CIA had investigated it in the sixties . But they didn 't have a real life ghost , so their experiments failed . This time we had a real ghost . I asked them to pick out the Ouija board again . The séance room was a sight you had never seen in your life . The president and the director of the FBI holding hands , in a dark room . The president of the united states shook his head . You could tell he couldn 't believe what he was seeing . He got up from his seat , and you could almost hear his bones cracking . Over in the corner of the room I could see a computer with satellite images . I could watch the Chinese fleet mobilising in real time . The number of dots that represented aircraft carriers alone was scary . " It will only be a few days before we have to mobilise our own navy . " The wait was excruciating . But suddenly five hours latter , the board started spelling out a name . The FBI director went to work . Within minutes they had the file out . He didn 't look like what you would expect of a Chinese agent . He had long , blonde hair , was dressed in a respectable suit , and had a respectable job . He worked in the old navy base . His job was to work on the files , reading sensitive military information . Including information about resource allocation . Once they checked his bank account the truth became obvious . The FBI director stood up , and paced down the long thin corridor . Then he arrived back in the meeting room with a young woman . She was dressed in military uniform . He explained the plan . It was simple . The Chinese agent needed to think it had all been a hoax . But for that to work , he would have to eat a pack of lies . I wasn 't there , so I can report only what I have been told . The female agent I had been introduced to worked in the old navy headquarters . She worked in the files there . It is a room full of top secret papers . Room might be the wrong word ; it was the size of an aircraft hanger . She worked there , and had spent months being bored . So naturally , she had struck up a conversation with the handsome blonde military attaché . And , the conversation was reciprocated . The director of the FBI looked at her . She didn 't look like much to put the freedom of the world onto . But she was eager . And after being told what to do , she didn 't complain . She saluted . I stood at the back of the room , watching the Director of the FBI feeling out the officer , and knew I would have to talk to Nigel alone . I didn 't trust her . She looked too good to be true with her starched uniform and willing smile . The new agent went into a staff car , to be driven to the headquarters . She looked very lonely in the back of the car . Meanwhile , we walked to the operations room . There was a banks of monitors the length of the room . We could see satellite images of the build up of the Chinese fleet , as well as real time updates of our spies . I nodded . Then looked back over to the screens . I could see our agent depositing the papers in her draw . She phoned up the Chinese agent , and set up dinner . It looked like a glorious feast . Roast duck , with all the trimmings . The doorbell went . She walked over to it , and opened it . She said something , and the Chinese agent walked into the room . After ten minutes of conversation , she walked away . To go to the toilet . He walked over to the draws , and started rummaging . After a few minutes he found the file our agent had left . He took out the smallest camera you have ever seen , and clicked the image . After that , he put the files away . After he left , the confirmation came thick and fast . The Chinese fleet disbanded . It was amazing to see , but they split up within a matter of hours . Soon the sea around Taiwan was empty except for commercial shipping . I guess that if this had been a story that would be it . I would have been given a party , a celebration , and been allowed to leave . After all , I had saved the day . Well , Nigel did leave . I haven 't heard from him since . After they had finished celebrating , a guard collected me , and drove me in a prison van to here . It is a cold concrete cell . I am allowed a TV , and to write carefully vetted letters . I 'm not sure how I will post this , my story . Maybe I will write it under the postage stamp . I guess for an old crook like me , it is fair . But I wish I had been sent to jail for something I did . And not for some trumped up terrorist charge . Currently we only offer payment for one story selected as the feature story in the monthly pdf magazine only . The successful author will be contacted to organise payment via paypal for a $ 5AUD payment . 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The ship swayed and creaked . He feels every bit of it in his body . Taking no chances the crew , damnedable pirates , have chained him with no give . Legs bound in a kneeling position , arms chained to either wall crucifying him to the ship like a perverse figurehead , he 's been their captive long enough to have forgotten the feel of kindness . It is a small blessing that their fear of him keeps his gag in place at all times . It keeps them from coming anywhere near him . The captain learned a long time ago that he gleans all he needs to live from the moisture in the air , the brine in his eyes . During storms , when he is strongest , the captain posts guards with him . They don 't look at him . A terrible hope fills him today . By the movement of the ship and the crew 's curses , he knows that they 're being pursued by another ship . This ship is a runner , fast . There 'd be little concern of capture if the ship did not gain its quickness from being light , gain its lightness from having little room for armaments or supplies . The pursuers have had them going for a week now and they 'd been out of port for at least a month . He knows from the panic in the crew that the food is all but gone . Soon they 'll be too weak to load what small guns are aboard . He 'd be surprised if they could remember how to sight the cannons it 's been so long since the captain has ordered them used . His hope stems from the pirates ' desperation . If they succumb to practicality then they 'll come for him . With frightened hearts and shaking hands , they 'll undo his chains and he 'll get to spend some time under the sky instead of under foot . So he waits for their desperation to bloom practicality . It does not take long . The first mate comes with three guards and the keys . It is always the first mate that comes to get him . The captain coming himself would make him a person that the captain fears , he wouldn 't last long once that got out among the crew . The first mate is the only one he trusts with the keys to his chains . " The captain wants to see you . " He speaks with a unique accent that comes with the ship 's pidgin of French , Spanish , and Greek . His ears hear the gibberish , but his mind provides him with the meaning . Slowly , they unchain his arms from the ship and secure them behind his back . The guards are afraid to touch him , unsure whether he 'll break or they 'll be infected with something . It strikes him as odd how religious some of these men are . Coming onto the deck , sea spray hits him in the face , covers his bare chest . He instantly feels more alive . He stands taller , muscles flex , the chains bite into his skin . They take him to the captain , standing at the aft of the ship . He stands beside the captain looking out at the wide ocean , the only thing marring their perfect view of the horizon the pursuers . The first mate and guards fold themselves into the three other men standing around them . The captain just stands there for a few minutes , ignoring him . This too is done to show the crew he will do this in his own time , to show that the man he keeps below decks does not frighten him . Around the gag , behind the locked mouth plate , he smiles . Only he and the captain know what he is , and he knows that the captain is frightened of that . " I have use of you . " From under his coat he draws out the key that only he is allowed to keep . He inserts into lock for the face plate . " If you hurt this ship my men will stab you and you will die before you can swim for freedom . Like always , yeah ? " He nods . It 's always the same threat . It vaguely occurs to him that this is only a half life . But then , the spirits would kill for half a life . The plate falls away and he spits the wooden wedge from his mouth . His tongue sticks out , tasting the salt in the air . He flexes his jaw , taking in the blue sky , the white clouds , the gentle waves . He smiles at the captain . Other than the crew 's swords there is very little compelling him . Finally , the captain 's annoyance at the delay shows on his face . He focuses on ship on the horizon . He tries not to think of the men on the ship . He knows he will have to answer for his actions one day , but he 's trying to postpone that day for as long as possible . " I 'm fine . Sorry . " The cabby 's eyes dart from the road to the rearview mirror and back . " I 'm good . I 'm okay . " The cabby 's eyes return to the road and stay there , Lawrence was prepared to keep reassuring him for the rest of the drive as long as he didn 't take his eyes off the road . " That jetlag 's a bitch , isn 't it ? " " Yeah , jetlag . " He doesn 't really feel like talking so he looks out the window . What he sees unsettles him so much that he almost closes his eyes again . Outside the cab desert stretched on for miles . When he 'd met the cabby at the airport he 'd been fine . They 'd been in the middle of a city . He preferred the buildings and people to the endless dry expanse . He tried to think of it as a sea of earth but it just made him queasy . He can 't help it , he closes his eyes . " We 're almost there , " the cabby rouses him . " If I 'd of known I wouldn 't have let you sleep at all . You wouldn 't believe how many people fall asleep in my cab from the airport . " The cabby keeps up a steady stream of chitchat for the next few minutes . Lawrence doesn 't say much , but he 's glad for the distraction . " Here we go , buddy . " He pulls up in front of an independent diner . Lawrence can tell the sign was made with care when it was painted , years in the desert sun has faded it badly . " They got good food here ? " " I don 't know . This is my first time here . " He pays the fare and steps out of the air - conditioned interior . His lips are immediately dry and cracked . The heat cuts him to the core as fast as it dried his lips , the urge to speak rises in him . He needs to escape this heat , he 's drowning in dryness . He rushes inside hoping that they 'll have air - conditioning . No such luck . The interior of the restaurant is as faded as the exterior . He seats himself , impatiently tapping his foot waiting for the waitress . He can hear the sound of the wind . Not the dry , lifeless wind of the desert , but the damp , alive wind of the storm . It 's calling to him , begging him to call out . He licks his lips with a tongue he can barely feel . He can 't help himself , the desert is antithesis for him . Why had he decided to come here ? To satisfy some adolescent curiosity ? He takes one long , shuttering breath . " The special , two of them , just bring me a pitcher of water . " His throat feels so dry . He has to speak now before he loses his chance . " Hmph ! " With blurry vision he watches her flounce back to the kitchen . He grabs the edge of the table to steady himself . He 's clenching his jaw by the time she comes back with a glass for him . He swallows half of it . The cool liquid fills him , calming him . Vision clears , hands stop shaking , the urge lessening . The torrent of wind in his ears shifts to a gentle breeze . How close had he come ? The waitress turns to leave again , he grabs her arm . " Can I get you anything else ? " She says it in such a way that makes Lawrence wonder if it 's actually a question . She tired of him he can tell . She 's too used to bullying the locals . He doesn 't trying to be nice to her , he just takes out a fifty and lays it on the table . " This is your tip if you keep bringing me pitchers of water . " Her eyes gleam slightly as she stares at the bill on the table . Slowly she puts the pitcher on the table . " Thank you . " He drains the rest of his glass and pours another . He finishes this one in three huge gulps . He doesn 't feel as trapped now , his breathing has evened out . He fills the glass a third time , finishing off the pitcher , but only sips this one . A couple minutes pass , the waitress brings his two specials and another pitcher . Lawrence only picks at his food . Between the desert and the age of the equipment in the diner the food is completely dry . Mainly he just cuts up the food and moves it around on his plate . Mainly he watches the people in the restaurant . He immediately discounts his waitress . Seeing her move around the diner , speaking with her , she 's spent most of her life trying to get away from this place . It 's a pity that she 'd never really feel like she belongs anywhere . An old man sits in another booth . He is weathered , his countenance telling the story of a life in the desert . Despite the heat of the day he 's drinking coffee . Lawrence would have considered him a likely candidate if his research didn 't tell him he is looking for someone younger . Besides the old man doesn 't look like he belongs here , only that he 's gotten used to living here . It 's an old style diner setup , so Lawrence can see the cook behind the half wall separating the kitchen from the dining area . Cook would be a wonderful job for who he 's looking for . The heat rising from the stove providing a fix for the cravings while at work . Though nothing compared to the natural heat of the desert it would do while at work . Unfortunately the cook is wearing a sleeveless shirt that 's plastered to his body with sweat . Lawrence 's heart falls . He 's not close enough to the cook to pick up a flow from him , but the fact that he 's sweating tells him all he needs to know . It 's possible his sources were wrong . It 's not easy to track a Bearer . The burden / gift they bear making it too hard to get a fix on them . He 's about to get up , throwing the contents of his glass down his throat , when the kitchen door swings open and a young man steps through . Lawrence puts his cup down and watches him . Something in the way he moves is different . Somehow his movements come off as light , almost bouncy . Even just clearing dishes from tables , his movements are quick , precise . He wears a t - shirt , jeans , and boots , all are cheap , but he still has an air of status . Lawrence notes that he 's not sweating . He looks up , checking for more stray dishes . Lawrence motions him over . " You finished with this , mister ? " Lawrence inhales and catches the scent of aged stone . " Sorry , mister , I 'm just here for the dishes . You 'll want to try Craiper St . around ten tonight . " He grabs a plate , Lawrence grabs his wrist . Sun … Heat … Dry … Sand … Lawrence pulls his hand away , palm red . Perspiration stands out on the young man 's brow now , fear in his eyes . He slides into the booth across from Lawrence . Lawrence pours another glass of water and waits for the boy to say something . " I 'm on break ! " She throws up her hands and goes back into the kitchen . Tito smiles at Lawrence . " Let 's go outside . " Lawrence downs his water and follows him out and around the diner . " I 'm Benjamin Fuller , but everyone calls me , Tito . Now who the hell are you ? " It 's a fair question . If he doesn 't know what he is then he 's probably really freaked out . Lawrence can 't blame him , he 's been there . " Ha , not likely , man . " Tito looks skeptical , very skeptical . There 's at least fifteen years between them . And while Tito isn 't a full blooded Mexican , Lawrence can tell at least one of his parents is , while Lawrence couldn 't be more white without being an albino . It 's hard to believe . " I don 't mean biologically . I mean spiritually . " Tito 's face is instantly serious . " You can feel it , can 't you ? That subtle , tickling at the back of your brain that makes you feel like you know me , even while at your core I unsettle you . " " Yes . " Tito looks so relieved that it breaks Lawrence 's heart . He knows what it 's like to finally have this explained . Lawrence had spent three years in a mental hospital trying to deal by himself . Tito is a strong young man . " Where is there open desert ? " Tito points down an alley . Lawrence starts walking , Tito doesn 't need to be told to follow , he falls into step next to Lawrence careful not to touch him . They come out the other end of the alley seeing open land . For Lawrence it 's as close to nothing as he ever wants to get . Longing fills Tito 's eyes . " I want to share something with you . Watch out there . " Lawrence takes a deep breath and centers himself . The urge to speak has been growing since they stepped out of the diner , the dryness creeping in to all his dark places . Tito 's hands fly up to cover his ears . " Ah ! What the hell ? " FLASH ! BOOM ! The thunder cuts off any further curses . Tito 's gaze is drawn out to the desert , where black storm clouds have formed out of nowhere . The fear is back in his eyes , he retreats till his back hits the wall to the building . " What have you done ? " " I spoke my Word . We 're Word Bearers , Tito . You have your own . Can you feel it ? Deep in core . " Lawrence can see he 's confused . He 's frightened , overwhelmed . FLASHBOOM ! " You can stop this , Tito . Go ahead . Say your Word . I want to hear it . " " I don 't … I 'm not sure . " Confusion and fear war on Tito 's face . Lawrence hopes he won 't run . He didn 't mean to scare the boy . " Of course you 're sure . You 've known it for centuries , you just haven 't spoken it yet . It 's okay . I 'm here with you . " His first step is hesitant , his second is firm , his third is confident . Lawrence realizes he 's holding his breath . Tito looks up at him , he nods . Tito fixes his gaze on the storm . " " There it is . It 's as quiet as Lawrence 's Word is loud , but no less powerful . It 's so beautiful . As Lawrence watches the storm clouds dissipate a tear rolls down his cheek . 2 Dad suffered even from a sight of blood , and he never killed a hen nor slaughtered a pig . But I was aware that once he had donated his blood in the name of my Mum still , because she 'd had a narrow escape on an operating table then . With me a doctor would have my blood tested in a moment : one , two and it 's done . But first they make you ready for rather a time : take a seat , then have a proper finger chosen , though it is always just the one , then they wipe it with spirits until take somewhat sharp like a mini - scalpel . Not everyone can stand the procedure , but I was not against it when a doctor suggested me having my blood tested . She was a likable one , youngish for her age , not married or divorced , probably . And she had no child , I felt it immediately , she had such a look , barren if you want . Possibly for health reasons she could not bear a child or she didn 't find a right man . Or she could have a particular blood group not to have a child with anyone , that 's why she employed at a doctor 's consulting room to make blood tests . And she urged me to have my blood tested . At first I didn 't mind it , the right thing it is , still she didn 't ask my permission . " Just let 's have your blood tested " , she said and left me . She had many things to do I suppose . In doctor 's smocks they walked hither and thither all the time at a clinic there talking over the heads of those waiting , as if one was dead already . And I was still alive and a nurse was preparing to have my blood tested . While she got me ready she was chattering . She said that men were afraid of blood testing nowadays . More and more they refused to do it and ran away sometimes seeing a drop of blood . And one had nothing to fear , there was a couch behind the curtain in a special emergency to lie low , in case one fainted . She pulled the white curtain aside and showed me a couch with dark green leatherette and I shivered all at once : what for they needed my blood ? She suggested me taking off a jacket and rolling up my sleeve , left or right one , I don 't rMy Bio : Mr . Valery Petrovskiy is a journalist and short story writer from Russia . Не is an English Department graduate at Chuvash State University , Cheboksary , graduated in journalism at VKSch Higher School , Moscow and in psychology at Kazan State Technology University . He has been writing prose since 2005 . Some of his writing has been published in The Scrambler , Rusty Typer , BRICKrethoric , NAP Magazine , Literary Burlesque , The Other Room , Curbside Quotidian , DANSE MACABRE , WidowMoon Press , PRIME MINCER , Apocrypha and Abstractions , The Legendary in the USA , and in Australian " Skive " and " Going Down Swinging " magazines . At the moment he is writer - in - residence at Marco Polo Art Mag . It 's dark in here . That 's because I live at the bottom of the jewellery box along with the other outcasts : the tangled necklace with the broken lobster claw and teddy pendant she got for her eleventh birthday , along with the bracelet that 's missing a couple of gem stones . She always says she will have them repaired but never does , preferring to spend the money on more fashionable pieces instead that imitate Asian and Oriental designs . An untrained eye might imagine that they were found by a back - packer on their travels , but they weren 't . They can be bought from any shop on the high - street , and are merely echoes of worlds she 's never seen . Not all of us down here are broken though . I 'm not , and neither is the engagement ring she got from Mark , ( who eventually cheated on her with Shannon from Reception , ) or the belly bar she took out when she put weight on and decided looked too young for her anyway . The ones at the top who get worn more often pity us , ( ' how boring it must be , ' they say to each other in whispers they think we can 't hear , ' being cooped up down there , month in , month out , ' ) but in a way they 're jealous . As I 've said , you could buy them in their hundreds if you wanted to , and they are without sentimental value like the childhood necklace or the belly bar that reminds her of her wild teens and early twenties . They 're easily replaced and she gives them away when they become outdated - or chucks them if even her younger sister and the charity shops say no , thanks . She doesn 't like Mark 's ring or me , so it isn 't often that her fingers dig through the chunky bangles and strings of beads to bring me to the surface . It happens maybe three or four times a year when she has arranged to visit The Matriarch . The ring doesn 't even get a look in . Why Mark wouldn 't let her give it back to him so that he could give it to someone he did love is beyond us ; at least that way it would have been enjoyed . All the same , seeing as I 'm an heirloom and the ring is eighteen carat white goPerhaps you imagine I get bitter when the voices of the favoured ones float above my head , chattering away about their ventures out of the box : days at work , dinners , dates , parties and who was there , who wasn 't there , what she wore … you get the drift . Or worse , maybe you feel sorry for me . I 'd rather you didn 't . Pity the rest but not me . I 'm not so keen on their weight pressing down on me but I don 't mind the dark . In fact I quite like it . It reminds me of home , my real one , from before I met people . As for being bitter , you can rule that out . I 'm a pearl , darling ; it 's not in my nature . You lot have seen me as a symbol of love for thousands of years and I do try to live up to my name by being kind - although I cannot help but wince sometimes at the irony , given that the first person I ever met died . Don 't look at me like that ; it wasn 't my fault . But that 's why she doesn 't like me . All the same , when you 've being kept in a family for over a century you do take an interest in your present owner , even if it 's not reciprocated , so I enjoy listening to the young ones ' gossip . Let them have their fun while they still can . The best they can hope for is a place in a child 's dressing - up box in just a few , short years so they might as well enjoy it . 2 . Memories . I might be old - fashioned and be from a past that she and you would rather forget , but I 'm not like your kind . I will endure and outlive the others , her - even you . And I never forget . My memory doesn 't grow weak with age , it gets stronger . I can still smell what my home was like ; still feel the movements of the person who found me when he panicked and rushed too quickly to the top , and the urgent , grasping hand of the first , but different person to ever touch me , as though I 'd only stopped smelling and feeling them a minute ago . The memories of my owners and the events in their lives play like the films you are so fond of ; the moment when her grandfather proposed to her grandmother , and the christening of her mother , they are a3 . Before she grew up . I suppose you think it strange that her grandmother , ( or The Matriarch as she jokingly calls her , ) skipped a generation and gave me to someone who doesn 't like me , but it never used to be this way . When she was little and used to visit her grandmother she would ask , ( very politely after giving her a peck on the cheek , ) if she could play with her jewellery box . The answer was always yes , and she would very carefully hunt through the diamonds and gold to find me , pin me to her jumper and wear me for the rest of the time she was there . It became something of a ritual , to the point where her grandmother began to pick me out herself and would put me on the coffee table ready for when she arrived . When she was eighteen , The Matriarch had a heart attack , and fearing that she would never leave hospital , insisted on the girl 's mother driving for two hours to get me , so that she could give me to her personally before it was too late . They were very close , and still are in spite of the distance , for she survived against all the odds . Whenever she goes to see her she always comments on how lovely it is , seeing her granddaughter all grown up , wearing her old brooch that 's always been her favourite . And I was for a time . Traditionally I was only worn for a special or significant occasion , but when she was at college I had the strange but enjoyable experience of being put in her pocket and going with her , and if she felt nervous about something her fingers would slide down to stroke me . Normally I hated people manhandling me , but I didn 't mind in her case - it was better than her biting her nails . It was almost as if she thought that having me with her would stop something bad happening - and I have been viewed as ' lucky . ' Stop sniggering , it 's true . In the days of knights and sword - fighting , we would be worn when the rich and noble went into battle because they thought we would protect them from harm , so don 't laugh at her . It felt good , being wanted , and I have to confess I came in danger You don 't like being reminded of your past - those days of glory when Britain ruled half the world . I think that 's why you apologise so much , and give more than you can afford to charities trying to save the poor and starving around the globe . It 's almost as though you 're trying to make up for all the wrongs done before you were born . And I 've tried to avoid talking about it in case you ran away - I get lonely sometimes and it 's nice having someone to talk to . But you can 't run forever , things have to be faced eventually . Some of you may already know and may already be trying to shut out the sound of my words by turning your thoughts to the plans you 've made for the weekend , but there 'll be a lot of you who don 't . There are lots of happy anecdotes from my owners ' lives I could have told you but this is the one you need to hear : My story . We are not like your kind , but there is one thing we have in common : just as you can 't remember coming out of the womb , we don 't know what it was like being a grain of sand or piece of shell squeezing our way inside an oyster and hardening ; all I remember is being . There were no thoughts , for when you live inside a shell there isn 't a great deal to think about - nothing happens . That probably sounds dull to you but there was no sadness , no pain or death . It was peaceful , just being . I didn 't know this at the time but even nothing has to come to an end eventually : the day would always have come when I would be found . It will be hard for you to understand what it was like being taken out of water , hearing sounds , seeing colours and light - all for the first time . On paper it sounds great , this explosion of life , but the reality was frightening - and even fear was something I had never heard of or felt before . Maybe that 's why your newborns usually cry when they come out , because they 're scared and want to go back . I 'm trying to think of ways to describe how it was to you , and the only way I can think of is for you to imagine an ancient Egyptian being placed in the middle of a supermarket . That might give you a better idea , but even that doesn 't come close . I 've learnt a lot since then - ( I 've had to , I didn 't have any other choice - ) but there 's one thing I 've never been able to get my head around , and that is time . Your lives are ruled by clocks and diaries telling you when deadlines or birthdays are due , but when you have so much time whole years , even decades can pass you by . Forgive me then , if I am a little hazy on dates . What I can tell you is that I was brought to the surface in the late 1800s , which makes me special . There aren 't many of us that come from nature now . Most are made by man in bulk on farms . Things changed . You suddenly became concerned about human life and diving equipment got better . Both meant that the world 's poor no were no longer forced to hold their breaths for comments » I knew that someone important was going to walk into my life at 12 : 15 , just after I normally drink tea and prepare for an slow day working on the horoscope . Now , maybe you might not believe me . After all , I am a professional charlatan . But I knew something was up , because for the last two weeks every prediction I have made actually worked out . It started when I saw Mrs Henderson . She was a fat woman , an unpleasant woman , a great client . Like most people who wanted a reading , she didn 't want the truth . And normally I didn 't give it to her . I pulled out the equipment . It was a plain set . It looked like bone china , but was made in china for a very low price . Mrs Henderson looked impressed anyway . She had a lot of money , and not a lot of sense . Anyway , I started reading the information contained in the tea leafs . And then the world went blank . When I returned to the world , Mrs Henderson was gone . I walked out of the shop I had rented , and another of the shopkeepers came up to me . He was normally an quiet , amicable chap . This time he looked like he wanted to throttle me . " She came out of here . Howling and crying , like you 'd tried to kill her . " he put his face up to mine , " You ever do it again and I 'll . . " " I don 't know what you 're talking about , " and I backed away from him . He stalked off . I walked back to my shop , ready to wait for my next appointment . Mrs Abbot didn 't come . She left a nervous message on my answer phone . At the time I didn 't realise why . Because I had no other clients for the day , I went home . My mouth opened wide . It was such a shock , it seemed like I 'd just been told I was about to die . And then . Then I was in my bed , looking at the ceiling . The police officers had gone . But it felt more real than a dream . It must have been a dream . Yeah , that was what it was , I convinced myself . Although I should have known better . In Ireland you can make a full time living as a psychic . less so in England . The English wouldn 't even pay you if you could predict the lottery . So I also work as a pitchman . Which , if you think about it , is just another way to make a dishonest buck . I walked to the nearest boot sale , and set up . It isn 't too crowded in the morning . And everyone is busy . So I crawl in through the hedge . They don 't know that I 'm there against the rules . I set up . My table is old fashioned . A suitcase with legs you fold out . Like the true pitchmen of the 50 's . My pitch is the worm . They wiggle around my hand , like they are alive . The fools in the crowd gave me money . That is what they are for . She had the longest blondest hair this side of fairyland , and her smile lights up the room like a flashlight . And I knew I am meant to talk to her . Just now . She walked off . I had the sense she is in trouble . She was poorer than she used to be , her clothes were expensive , but last years fashion . I had a feeling I will meet her again . When I got there , there was Mrs Henderson and her husband . Their eyes were red . They had been crying . I couldn 't understand what they were there for . I managed to get them to leave . At first I thought that the gossip would help me . But the truth is , no one wants to go to a psychic that tells them the truth . Life is hard enough . You go to a psychic to hear lies . I made some money as a pitchman , so it didn 't affect me too much . But I kept on having bad dreams . I kept on seeing people I knew in them . Not just that , I saw how they died . Their pain . And I started to write down what I saw . In a book by my bedside cabinet . The extra time I had meant I was drinking more too . It was like I 'd been cursed . But the worst was the Christians . They decided that these dreams were inspired by Satan . They set up the picket line in front of my office . I started to think I should simply leave . On Wednesday , the cleaner came in . She was a nosy parker . And no mistake . Her husband had died a few years back , and she was interested in everything . While it 's not the way she put it , she was very interested in the diary . All the details of the different murders and deaths I 'd seen . All the factual details that no one else other than the murderer could know . She took it to the police , and they read it , and they got their warrant . I arrived back at the normal time , and nothing was different . The book was there . I didn 't notice the surveillance cameras . Not at all . They broke in that night . It wasn 't a dream . And I looked up to them bleary eyed , a gun pointing in my face , and swore . They dragged me towards the back of the car , and I noticed someone had decided to give the press warning . So it was very public . Once in , they took me right there . And kitted me out in fetching jail clothing , since I was still in pyjamas . This was the first time I was in jail , and I can tell you it is not as bad as some people say . There is an odd vinegar smell , hiding other bodily fluids . And it is never quiet . There is always shouting going on , and doors slammed . But it was no worse than some hotels I 've been in while performing . I looked across at my lawyer . Short , thin , balding and bored . The police officer had my diary in front of him . He picked it up . " In it , you 've got the details of dozens of murders . Information the police hasn 't released to the public . Information . . . dare I say it , in some cases that the police didn 't even know themselves . " And that was it . That was the full content of the interview . I was hustled off into the cell , and ended up waiting for days . In telephone conversations with friends , I knew the police were digging up my life . I was given a notebook , and a pen , and I continued to write down my dreams . I thought I might as well . The police would search my cell every now and again , and confiscate them . They even moved me to solitary . Made sure no one could be feeding me this information . Or , presumably , that I wasn 't ordering the killings . But the dreams continued . They were getting worse and worse . Every morning I woke up feeling like I had not slept . I guess at least things looked up , because they took me from prison . They drove me along country lanes , towards a building . I can 't tell you precisely where it was . It just looked like an old school to be honest . You 'd never have guessed it was an intelligence headquarters . They bundled me out into an empty building . You 've heard of the secret prisons . Well , they are true . They dressed me up in a uniform , tagged my ankle , and locked me in a cage . The only thing they gave me was some paper and a pen to write down my dreams . Sometimes people came to research me . They put me in scanners , and gave me all kinds of medical tests . The results were unsurprising . I was just a normal , healthy individual . And that was how it seemed I was destined to live for the rest of my life . Until I started to hear the voices . They were low . Just like someone was talking in the next room . Distant . And I couldn 't make them out . That night I was tossing and turning , and I heard someone shout out my name . I woke up . No one was there . Then I tried to get asleep again , and managed it . But the voice was insistent . Nothing answered me . The guards walked past my cell . But with the dreams and the voices , I was getting no sleep . It started to affect me so badly I would not even eat food . Within a few days I was exhausted . Mentally and physically drained . And I guess that is what the creatures wanted . Because soon they broke through . It 's hard to tell you how it felt . But if you have ever had a moment of shock , when you suddenly feel like you aren 't there , you 'll know . He said his name . And then the voice faded away . But I knew I had to do precisely what he told me . I 'd go mad otherwise . Maybe I was already mad . The opportunity came sooner than I expected . My handlers were getting anxious . I was producing less predictions than normal , and the federal conviction rate was plummeting through the floor . The handlers looked like model citizens . Dark suits , a man and a woman dressed formally , like they were lawyers . They flashed their badge to me . I don 't know why , the fact I was in a prison gave them away . The police officer fell back . You could see him working it through in his mind . Despite the success of my predictions , he settled on the conclusion I was mad . After all , psychic phenomena were impossible . He 'd read that once . I shook my head . But that night , I was thinking about it , and decided that I had to ask . Had to have a conversation , if only for my sanity . When the voices started up , I leaned forward in my bed . I asked the question again . But he would say nothing of use to me . he would only repeatedly ask me to find his killers . Not very useful . Eventually , I managed to coax his name from him . Nigel . Not a very good name for a joke . That was the strange thing . No murder victims of that name came up . Not any time soon . But a week later , a Nigel disappeared . And I realised the truth . I looked through the court reports . He had been killed by stabbing . They wouldn 't let me out of the jail . So all I could do was read the files they brought on him . And I got the feeling that many of the details had been redacted . it was like looking for a haystack in an elephant : messy and not very satisfactory . There were only two people I decided who could have done it . They both had a great deal to gain . At the end of the day , though , there is a limit to what you can do from inside a jail cell . The guards looked sceptically at me when I asked for it . But I was responsible for half the murder arrests in the district for the last six months . So they eventually gave me what I wanted . Especially when I refused to furnish them with any more information . I don 't know if you have ever been to a proper séance . Well , to be honest , most of the time the knocks are from the medium . But this time it was different . Within moments of the séance starting , I was aware that the room was colder . Then the entire board lifted off the table , and flew towards me . It hit the wall a few inches from my face . The room warmed up again . The presence was gone . For a little while . " I didn 't " I replied . I knew that he didn 't believe me . But he would have to show more senior people . And I knew they couldn 't afford to risk me . I went back to bed . For the first time in weeks , I had no bad dreams . I guess Nigel knew I understood his message . I slept very soundly . Until the next morning . But my guards didn 't really understand . Or they did not want to understand . My handler met me in the interview room the next morning . He looked tired . Besides him sat a man I hadn 't seen before . He wore the cleanest , most expensive suit I had seen during my stay at the states pleasure . The man stood up . He walked out of the room . Measured , and without menace . But he didn 't seem to be a man used to dealing with no . My handler shook his head . He didn 't need to tell me the consequences . All of a sudden , I was put on suicide watch . Woken up every thirty minutes to see if I wasn 't dead yet . The heating in my cell surprisingly broke . I knew I was in their hands totally . But I never realised what it was like to displease them . You see , Nigel might be a ghost , but that doesn 't mean he is stupid . He can see what is happening . He knows they are stopping me doing what he wants . And this gets him angry . They first times he acted , it looked like coincidence . The guards chair would tilt under him , depositing him on the floor . Or cups of coffee were not placed firmly enough on the table . The guards were spooked by me . They knew that I was able to see things they could not . But although the guards face became pale , his hand on the trigger was steady and firm . It was too late . The chair slammed into the guard . He dropped to the floor . Then I saw the guards keys float from his pocket . My cell door was unlocked . I walked over to the guard , stripped his clothes off , and changed into his uniform . I thought I didn 't have much of a choice . If I didn 't do what Nigel wanted he would kill me . Every door I came to slid open without me doing anything . It would have been creepy if I didn 't know what was happening . Soon the alarms started to ring out . People would be grabbing their guns , getting ready to shoot me . I could feel my heart trying to escape from my chest . I soon arrived at fire exit . It opened in front of me . I climbed down some steps . Below me , I could see coppers swarming . I continued to walk down . One of the coppers recognised me . I ran in the opposite direction . He took aim , and I could hear the gun explode behind me . But the bullet didn 't pierce my skin like I expected . Instead , it ended in the ground . I reached a police car , and the engine came on without anyone doing anything . Then I went into a store and bought black trousers and a white shirt . Got changed . And walked out of the shopping centre , expecting to be caught at any time . In my pocket there was five hundred dollars . That was all I had in the world , except for an insane ghost . I decided it was time to go to the library . After chatting to the librarian for a few seconds , she walked me over to a computer which had copies of the local papers for the last twenty years . I typed a search . At first I found nothing , but as I expanded the search back I found him . According to the interview , he was found murdered in his bed . He had been asleep . His wife had been charged and convicted of his murder . But she said she was innocent . Nothing came in response . I knew that would happen . It was too much to hope for . It was getting late at night . The librarian was fussing near me . It was time to go . When you are a fugitive , it isn 't as simple to find a place to stay as booking a room in a hotel . I walked round , looking for an empty house . It took me an hour . Occasionally a police car would go past . It made me nervous . At one time it would have been a posh bungalow . But whoever had owned it had been taken to a care home , and it was covered in weeds and neglect . I walked up to the door , and it swings open . That is one of the advantages of your own private poltergeist . Inside it was a mess . But dry and water proof . There was a wood burning stove in one room . The power was off , and Nigel didn 't turn it on . But the water was only off at the mains . It was easy enough to get it working again . In the morning I would have to start the process of searching for Nigel Slater . I knew roughly where he lived . I fell asleep , and woke up hungry and cramped . Outside , I could hear rustling . I peeked through the window , and could see a man dressed only in black . He looked like he was not very friendly . I ducked down , but he must have seen me . He edged towards the door . It was locked , but he slammed it open . I hid behind the sofa . it didn 't help . He walked towards me . I noticed he had a poker in his hand . There was no way he wouldn 't find me . I stood up . I looked over at him . He had a long scar down his face . it seemed like he was used to trouble . And he was straining to start a fight . I did what he said . He followed me . I thought he might hit me at any second . or recognise me . They must have put my picture out into the news by now . I sighed with relief , but knew that my location might be passed onto the police . I decided it was time to get out of the town . I caught a bus , and tried to hide my face . Since I hadn 't had a bath for a few days it was easier than you might think . People did not want to look me in the eyes . I arrived at Nigel 's house six hours latter . It was a solemn house . A plane front garden laid to grass , brick frontage , and white windows . It didn 't look like anyone had ever cared for it . It looked like it was a place to sleep and not to stay . It took me a few minutes to settle down , and watch the street . There was nothing extraordinary about it . A few people walked past , taking little interest in the stranger . After watching for half an hour , I knew there was little information here for me . Talking round the local shops I found out that Nigel had been a quiet man . Few people knew him , past his saying hello . he didn 't seem to have been involved in anything wrong . or indeed in anything at all . I decided that there could only really have been one source of trouble . He must have found out something at work . Something that made him worth more to someone dead than alive . I got some annual reports from his company and studied them . Amazing what is available on the internet these days . There was little of interest . I applied to work at Nigel 's company as a cleaner . it was a big risk . I supplied false references , and knew they would not check them for months . That 's the thing about cleaners . No one takes any notice . So I got the job , and examined the work place thoroughly . It looked like an office . The computers were always on . Once or twice I looked over the shoulder of someone working but it was all gobbledygook to me . To make it worse , I saw my face on the newspaper when I went for food . Sure , I looked a lot different now . I had grown longer hair , a beard , and was thinner . But it was still me . I grew suspicious of other people . Then came my big break . Several people were working in the office late . I overhead them speaking about a billion dollar deal . The company was getting bought out . I checked the internet , and there was something in the trade section . The routine was the same every day . But one of my colleagues had not turned up to work . So I was asked to clean the main office . I did so . But I did more than that , I broke into the file cabinets , and started reading company secrets . But that didn 't save me for long . The next day I arrived at work a few minutes earlier . Something told me that things were wrong . The security guard on the gate was new . He told me to go out to the bosses office . I walked into a small lab , and looked around . There was a window , and I tried to open it . In the distance I could see five police cars . The window wouldn 't open . There was only one way out . And I knew that by now , there would be police officers between me and the door . I looked round to find a chair . Then used it to break the window . The alarm went , and I slid through the empty hole . But I caught my shoulder on a shard of glass . I was bleeding . The police gave up their pretence . Dozens of sirens started up , heading towards the building . I ran through a green space . I knew that there was only one way out of the compound except the front gate . A hole in the fence I had noticed a few days earlier . But over head their was a helicopter . Although I ran like the wind , it wasn 't enough . I could hear the police men getting closer and closer . I turned around and saw two police officers . They both had guns pointed at me . I raised my hands , and they soon had me on the ground . I arrived at my destination a few hours latter . This time they were taking no chances . I arrived at a super maximum prison . Surrounded by barbed wire , dogs , and armed police officers it was obvious I 'd never get out . The next day the interrogation began . Again and Again . Asking me where I had gone . What I had done . I eventually broke down and told them everything . But that didn 't stop them continuing . Maybe what they were doing was no crime . But it was a form of torture . Eventually , the interrogations stopped . They gave me paper . They wanted to go back to how it used to be . But by that time I had got so angry , even when I did have a dream I kept it to myself . I wasn 't there . So all I can do is repeat the report that was made to me . No guarantee it is what happened . Apparently the director of the FBI had been having an extramarital affair . He was in bed that normal , and engaging in exercise at the same time . This was not expected , but what was even more unexpected was the windows opening wide . And the explosions of a gun . The director of the FBI 's gun . But I do know that it made the national news . The assistant director of the FBI resigned . And , to be frank , most of the people in the FBI did not care much about that . But it was fair warning . He didn 't seem to be exactly happy about what had happened . In fact , he stormed in to the visiting room , and let loose a barrage of swear words . I sat there passively , listening to him . When he calmed down sufficiently , he sat down . " Nigel was right . All he wants is his murderer found . But he isn 't going to stop . Not until that is done . Not even if he has to kill someone else to do it . " " No . I am not . Nigel is a threat to you . If you stand in the way , that is . He is a ghost . What can you do to get rid of him ? " The director of the FBI thought for a few seconds . An hour latter , a priest turned up with bell , book and candle . it didn 't work spectacularly . The power went off , the candle blew out , the bell rang , and the book was thrown across the room . The director gestured to the mirror and two toughs walked in . They carried some rope . They tied me to the chair , and lifted a cosh over their heads . Then all hell broke lose . The cosh swung back by itself . it raised into the air , and came down , laying out one of the thugs . The other caught me a glancing blow , but something unseen lifted him from the floor and threw him against the wall . " You have a choice . Director . Help find Nigel 's killer . Or , I think , Nigel will chase you down and gut you like a fish . " Eventually the Director settled down again . He sat in his chair , silently looking at me . I wasn 't a pretty picture . Thin , and in prison coveralls . I must have looked like a real criminal . They let me go that afternoon . Put me in a suit , and told me I was seconded to the FBI . I was even given my own agent . He was tall , thin , and looked every inch the government man . The agent shook his head . He gave nothing away . That was when I knew he wasn 't sent to help me . Just to keep an eye out on me . Nevertheless , I decided that I could use him . Like he wanted to use me . I looked over to him , and told him to get a warrant . We were going to search Nigel 's company . And read every damn bit of paper they had about Sigma . When we arrived at the door , they had their lawyer sorted out already . Someone must have leaked it . He looked like he had cost a lot of money . " I 'm afraid we have the right not to incriminate ourselves . We are asserting that right . Both as a company , and as individuals . So , no , you can ask any questions but we will not answer them . " I was surprised when I found the clue . It was something no one else would have noticed . A single envelope in the bin . It contained an address . I think Nigel must have been helping me . I was drawn to it . But the thing I noticed was the fact the address had a Sigma stamp . Once we were out of the building , I decided to break away from the FBI agent . I knew some things would work better on my own . it was easier said than done . When I tried to go for a walk that night , he insisted on staying right by me . Getting to the address was difficult . I didn 't have a car , I had to take the bus . Most of the journey there wasn 't even that . And it had began to rain . I must have looked odd , walking around town that late at night , soaked . In fact , I surprised no copper stopped me . " Good enough , " I said . Knowing I was lying as I said it . It wasn 't like it was my strong point . The expression on the coppers face showed he thought not either . He stood there behind me his mouth opened , as I shimmied the lock . it opened . I walked in . This was a mistake , I didn 't notice the small CCTV camera , the camera that was hidden in a plug socket . But it was sending my picture right up to the security office . I worked quickly , going up the stairs to the office . I don 't know what I had expected to see . But what I did see looked just like any other office . Even down to the half drunk cup of coffee . I woke up in the boot of a car . I could feel the engine running , and smell burning petrol . It was pick black . The car started off , bumping along the ground . Hitting me from side to side . My hands were tied behind my back . It was lucky I knew a little magic . I got the knot loose without much effort . Then I grovelled around the car to find something , anything that could help me . There was a wrench , which I picked up . I put the rope around my wrists , hiding the fact I was loose . And put the wrench in my pocket . The boot of the car swung open . One of the security guards lifted me out of the boot . He was covered in muscle . My mouth opened wide . That was the last thing I expected to hear . They marched me along the ground and I saw him for the first time . Nigel . Alive . Then the room went strange . Something turned the lights off , and opened the windows . It even raised a chair off the ground . The security guard looked worried for the first time . " For the last month , I have been searching for the person who killed Nigel Slater . You , sir , are Nigel Slater . But it seems your ghost hasn 't got the information you are alive . " But it didn 't work . By the time that the ambulance arrived , Nigel was in a deep coma . It took only a short time after that until the first homicide detective got there . But the truth is , it was fate . No ones fault . Except the murderer . After all , how can Nigel Slater 's ghost come into my dreams unless he is actually killed ? What happened next surprised me . The cops arrested me . Told me I was being held on suspicion of murder . I told them not to be idiots , but they wrote it in their notebooks and not their minds . By that point the clues would be getting stale , so I drove right to the company . But they wouldn 't let me in . it was a police investigation , they said . No dice . I called the FBI agent and asked him to run the full scan on Slater . By the time he had finished I would know every single family member . And all I had to do was interview them . The only clue left to me was Sigma . The company was closed for a few hours , but the managing director wasn 't . Again the FBI came to my rescue . They had the address , and I wasn 't afraid to use it . We walked up the garden path . It wasn 't the most luxurious house that a managing director had ever lived at . But I knocked on the door anyway . I walked in . Behold , the group was all there . The director of the FBI himself . The attorney general . And a four star general . I could feel the back of my assistant straightening up . The Managing Director pressed a button on the TV . It switched on . Nigel Slater 's office . I saw him pick up his glass . Put the chemicals in it . The MD fast forwarded . Nigel killed himself . " Oil . We got him to produce computer models . All the oil reserves . He was so great . . . well , he could produce a program that told us exactly where oil was , just from satellite images . " Just at that moment a dozen armed guards came into the room . Their guns were pointed right at me . I raised my hands , and was soon plunged into the carpet . They searched me . Didn 't find anything interesting . " Yeah . But I don 't think you did it . I don 't think you were that smart . But I don 't know what this being who calls himself Nigel Slater is , " I didn 't struggle . By now , them putting handcuffs on me was almost routine . I just wish I had been able to continue my life as a charlatan . I didn 't know what to say to that . it was true . it was obvious when you think about it . Nigel had told me he was murdered when he was still alive . but no one ever said the soul was bound to the arrow of time . Within a few minutes we had picked up an escort . From what I could tell , they had closed the road down . Only we were travelling that evening . I gulped . It looked like things were just about to head for the worse . The trip to the Whitehouse was the most fraught I had experienced in my life . The director of the FBI was reading faxes and emails in the car . His face was getting more and more pale . " I guess like the English did in WWII . With disinformation . We need to get an Chinese agent and feed him bad info . And I guess Nigel might be your best hope for that . " I guess the FBI director caught on quickly . Because he could go anywhere , Nigel could listen to the Chinese chatter . He could find Chinese agents . Maybe he didn 't know Chinese , but he knew enough to listen in to the English language conversations . It wasn 't a new concept . The CIA had investigated it in the sixties . But they didn 't have a real life ghost , so their experiments failed . This time we had a real ghost . I asked them to pick out the Ouija board again . The séance room was a sight you had never seen in your life . The president and the director of the FBI holding hands , in a dark room . The president of the united states shook his head . You could tell he couldn 't believe what he was seeing . He got up from his seat , and you could almost hear his bones cracking . Over in the corner of the room I could see a computer with satellite images . I could watch the Chinese fleet mobilising in real time . The number of dots that represented aircraft carriers alone was scary . " It will only be a few days before we have to mobilise our own navy . " The wait was excruciating . But suddenly five hours latter , the board started spelling out a name . The FBI director went to work . Within minutes they had the file out . He didn 't look like what you would expect of a Chinese agent . He had long , blonde hair , was dressed in a respectable suit , and had a respectable job . He worked in the old navy base . His job was to work on the files , reading sensitive military information . Including information about resource allocation . Once they checked his bank account the truth became obvious . The FBI director stood up , and paced down the long thin corridor . Then he arrived back in the meeting room with a young woman . She was dressed in military uniform . He explained the plan . It was simple . The Chinese agent needed to think it had all been a hoax . But for that to work , he would have to eat a pack of lies . I wasn 't there , so I can report only what I have been told . The female agent I had been introduced to worked in the old navy headquarters . She worked in the files there . It is a room full of top secret papers . Room might be the wrong word ; it was the size of an aircraft hanger . She worked there , and had spent months being bored . So naturally , she had struck up a conversation with the handsome blonde military attaché . And , the conversation was reciprocated . The director of the FBI looked at her . She didn 't look like much to put the freedom of the world onto . But she was eager . And after being told what to do , she didn 't complain . She saluted . I stood at the back of the room , watching the Director of the FBI feeling out the officer , and knew I would have to talk to Nigel alone . I didn 't trust her . She looked too good to be true with her starched uniform and willing smile . The new agent went into a staff car , to be driven to the headquarters . She looked very lonely in the back of the car . Meanwhile , we walked to the operations room . There was a banks of monitors the length of the room . We could see satellite images of the build up of the Chinese fleet , as well as real time updates of our spies . I nodded . Then looked back over to the screens . I could see our agent depositing the papers in her draw . She phoned up the Chinese agent , and set up dinner . It looked like a glorious feast . Roast duck , with all the trimmings . The doorbell went . She walked over to it , and opened it . She said something , and the Chinese agent walked into the room . After ten minutes of conversation , she walked away . To go to the toilet . He walked over to the draws , and started rummaging . After a few minutes he found the file our agent had left . He took out the smallest camera you have ever seen , and clicked the image . After that , he put the files away . After he left , the confirmation came thick and fast . The Chinese fleet disbanded . It was amazing to see , but they split up within a matter of hours . Soon the sea around Taiwan was empty except for commercial shipping . I guess that if this had been a story that would be it . I would have been given a party , a celebration , and been allowed to leave . After all , I had saved the day . Well , Nigel did leave . I haven 't heard from him since . After they had finished celebrating , a guard collected me , and drove me in a prison van to here . It is a cold concrete cell . I am allowed a TV , and to write carefully vetted letters . I 'm not sure how I will post this , my story . Maybe I will write it under the postage stamp . I guess for an old crook like me , it is fair . But I wish I had been sent to jail for something I did . And not for some trumped up terrorist charge . Currently we only offer payment for one story selected as the feature story in the monthly pdf magazine only . The successful author will be contacted to organise payment via paypal for a $ 5AUD payment . 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The ship swayed and creaked . He feels every bit of it in his body . Taking no chances the crew , damnedable pirates , have chained him with no give . Legs bound in a kneeling position , arms chained to either wall crucifying him to the ship like a perverse figurehead , he 's been their captive long enough to have forgotten the feel of kindness . It is a small blessing that their fear of him keeps his gag in place at all times . It keeps them from coming anywhere near him . The captain learned a long time ago that he gleans all he needs to live from the moisture in the air , the brine in his eyes . During storms , when he is strongest , the captain posts guards with him . They don 't look at him . A terrible hope fills him today . By the movement of the ship and the crew 's curses , he knows that they 're being pursued by another ship . This ship is a runner , fast . There 'd be little concern of capture if the ship did not gain its quickness from being light , gain its lightness from having little room for armaments or supplies . The pursuers have had them going for a week now and they 'd been out of port for at least a month . He knows from the panic in the crew that the food is all but gone . Soon they 'll be too weak to load what small guns are aboard . He 'd be surprised if they could remember how to sight the cannons it 's been so long since the captain has ordered them used . His hope stems from the pirates ' desperation . If they succumb to practicality then they 'll come for him . With frightened hearts and shaking hands , they 'll undo his chains and he 'll get to spend some time under the sky instead of under foot . So he waits for their desperation to bloom practicality . It does not take long . The first mate comes with three guards and the keys . It is always the first mate that comes to get him . The captain coming himself would make him a person that the captain fears , he wouldn 't last long once that got out among the crew . The first mate is the only one he trusts with the keys to his chains . " The captain wants to see you . " He speaks with a unique accent that comes with the ship 's pidgin of French , Spanish , and Greek . His ears hear the gibberish , but his mind provides him with the meaning . Slowly , they unchain his arms from the ship and secure them behind his back . The guards are afraid to touch him , unsure whether he 'll break or they 'll be infected with something . It strikes him as odd how religious some of these men are . Coming onto the deck , sea spray hits him in the face , covers his bare chest . He instantly feels more alive . He stands taller , muscles flex , the chains bite into his skin . They take him to the captain , standing at the aft of the ship . He stands beside the captain looking out at the wide ocean , the only thing marring their perfect view of the horizon the pursuers . The first mate and guards fold themselves into the three other men standing around them . The captain just stands there for a few minutes , ignoring him . This too is done to show the crew he will do this in his own time , to show that the man he keeps below decks does not frighten him . Around the gag , behind the locked mouth plate , he smiles . Only he and the captain know what he is , and he knows that the captain is frightened of that . " I have use of you . " From under his coat he draws out the key that only he is allowed to keep . He inserts into lock for the face plate . " If you hurt this ship my men will stab you and you will die before you can swim for freedom . Like always , yeah ? " He nods . It 's always the same threat . It vaguely occurs to him that this is only a half life . But then , the spirits would kill for half a life . The plate falls away and he spits the wooden wedge from his mouth . His tongue sticks out , tasting the salt in the air . He flexes his jaw , taking in the blue sky , the white clouds , the gentle waves . He smiles at the captain . Other than the crew 's swords there is very little compelling him . Finally , the captain 's annoyance at the delay shows on his face . He focuses on ship on the horizon . He tries not to think of the men on the ship . He knows he will have to answer for his actions one day , but he 's trying to postpone that day for as long as possible . " I 'm fine . Sorry . " The cabby 's eyes dart from the road to the rearview mirror and back . " I 'm good . I 'm okay . " The cabby 's eyes return to the road and stay there , Lawrence was prepared to keep reassuring him for the rest of the drive as long as he didn 't take his eyes off the road . " That jetlag 's a bitch , isn 't it ? " " Yeah , jetlag . " He doesn 't really feel like talking so he looks out the window . What he sees unsettles him so much that he almost closes his eyes again . Outside the cab desert stretched on for miles . When he 'd met the cabby at the airport he 'd been fine . They 'd been in the middle of a city . He preferred the buildings and people to the endless dry expanse . He tried to think of it as a sea of earth but it just made him queasy . He can 't help it , he closes his eyes . " We 're almost there , " the cabby rouses him . " If I 'd of known I wouldn 't have let you sleep at all . You wouldn 't believe how many people fall asleep in my cab from the airport . " The cabby keeps up a steady stream of chitchat for the next few minutes . Lawrence doesn 't say much , but he 's glad for the distraction . " Here we go , buddy . " He pulls up in front of an independent diner . Lawrence can tell the sign was made with care when it was painted , years in the desert sun has faded it badly . " They got good food here ? " " I don 't know . This is my first time here . " He pays the fare and steps out of the air - conditioned interior . His lips are immediately dry and cracked . The heat cuts him to the core as fast as it dried his lips , the urge to speak rises in him . He needs to escape this heat , he 's drowning in dryness . He rushes inside hoping that they 'll have air - conditioning . No such luck . The interior of the restaurant is as faded as the exterior . He seats himself , impatiently tapping his foot waiting for the waitress . He can hear the sound of the wind . Not the dry , lifeless wind of the desert , but the damp , alive wind of the storm . It 's calling to him , begging him to call out . He licks his lips with a tongue he can barely feel . He can 't help himself , the desert is antithesis for him . Why had he decided to come here ? To satisfy some adolescent curiosity ? He takes one long , shuttering breath . " The special , two of them , just bring me a pitcher of water . " His throat feels so dry . He has to speak now before he loses his chance . " Hmph ! " With blurry vision he watches her flounce back to the kitchen . He grabs the edge of the table to steady himself . He 's clenching his jaw by the time she comes back with a glass for him . He swallows half of it . The cool liquid fills him , calming him . Vision clears , hands stop shaking , the urge lessening . The torrent of wind in his ears shifts to a gentle breeze . How close had he come ? The waitress turns to leave again , he grabs her arm . " Can I get you anything else ? " She says it in such a way that makes Lawrence wonder if it 's actually a question . She tired of him he can tell . She 's too used to bullying the locals . He doesn 't trying to be nice to her , he just takes out a fifty and lays it on the table . " This is your tip if you keep bringing me pitchers of water . " Her eyes gleam slightly as she stares at the bill on the table . Slowly she puts the pitcher on the table . " Thank you . " He drains the rest of his glass and pours another . He finishes this one in three huge gulps . He doesn 't feel as trapped now , his breathing has evened out . He fills the glass a third time , finishing off the pitcher , but only sips this one . A couple minutes pass , the waitress brings his two specials and another pitcher . Lawrence only picks at his food . Between the desert and the age of the equipment in the diner the food is completely dry . Mainly he just cuts up the food and moves it around on his plate . Mainly he watches the people in the restaurant . He immediately discounts his waitress . Seeing her move around the diner , speaking with her , she 's spent most of her life trying to get away from this place . It 's a pity that she 'd never really feel like she belongs anywhere . An old man sits in another booth . He is weathered , his countenance telling the story of a life in the desert . Despite the heat of the day he 's drinking coffee . Lawrence would have considered him a likely candidate if his research didn 't tell him he is looking for someone younger . Besides the old man doesn 't look like he belongs here , only that he 's gotten used to living here . It 's an old style diner setup , so Lawrence can see the cook behind the half wall separating the kitchen from the dining area . Cook would be a wonderful job for who he 's looking for . The heat rising from the stove providing a fix for the cravings while at work . Though nothing compared to the natural heat of the desert it would do while at work . Unfortunately the cook is wearing a sleeveless shirt that 's plastered to his body with sweat . Lawrence 's heart falls . He 's not close enough to the cook to pick up a flow from him , but the fact that he 's sweating tells him all he needs to know . It 's possible his sources were wrong . It 's not easy to track a Bearer . The burden / gift they bear making it too hard to get a fix on them . He 's about to get up , throwing the contents of his glass down his throat , when the kitchen door swings open and a young man steps through . Lawrence puts his cup down and watches him . Something in the way he moves is different . Somehow his movements come off as light , almost bouncy . Even just clearing dishes from tables , his movements are quick , precise . He wears a t - shirt , jeans , and boots , all are cheap , but he still has an air of status . Lawrence notes that he 's not sweating . He looks up , checking for more stray dishes . Lawrence motions him over . " You finished with this , mister ? " Lawrence inhales and catches the scent of aged stone . " Sorry , mister , I 'm just here for the dishes . You 'll want to try Craiper St . around ten tonight . " He grabs a plate , Lawrence grabs his wrist . Sun … Heat … Dry … Sand … Lawrence pulls his hand away , palm red . Perspiration stands out on the young man 's brow now , fear in his eyes . He slides into the booth across from Lawrence . Lawrence pours another glass of water and waits for the boy to say something . " I 'm on break ! " She throws up her hands and goes back into the kitchen . Tito smiles at Lawrence . " Let 's go outside . " Lawrence downs his water and follows him out and around the diner . " I 'm Benjamin Fuller , but everyone calls me , Tito . Now who the hell are you ? " It 's a fair question . If he doesn 't know what he is then he 's probably really freaked out . Lawrence can 't blame him , he 's been there . " Ha , not likely , man . " Tito looks skeptical , very skeptical . There 's at least fifteen years between them . And while Tito isn 't a full blooded Mexican , Lawrence can tell at least one of his parents is , while Lawrence couldn 't be more white without being an albino . It 's hard to believe . " I don 't mean biologically . I mean spiritually . " Tito 's face is instantly serious . " You can feel it , can 't you ? That subtle , tickling at the back of your brain that makes you feel like you know me , even while at your core I unsettle you . " " Yes . " Tito looks so relieved that it breaks Lawrence 's heart . He knows what it 's like to finally have this explained . Lawrence had spent three years in a mental hospital trying to deal by himself . Tito is a strong young man . " Where is there open desert ? " Tito points down an alley . Lawrence starts walking , Tito doesn 't need to be told to follow , he falls into step next to Lawrence careful not to touch him . They come out the other end of the alley seeing open land . For Lawrence it 's as close to nothing as he ever wants to get . Longing fills Tito 's eyes . " I want to share something with you . Watch out there . " Lawrence takes a deep breath and centers himself . The urge to speak has been growing since they stepped out of the diner , the dryness creeping in to all his dark places . Tito 's hands fly up to cover his ears . " Ah ! What the hell ? " FLASH ! BOOM ! The thunder cuts off any further curses . Tito 's gaze is drawn out to the desert , where black storm clouds have formed out of nowhere . The fear is back in his eyes , he retreats till his back hits the wall to the building . " What have you done ? " " I spoke my Word . We 're Word Bearers , Tito . You have your own . Can you feel it ? Deep in core . " Lawrence can see he 's confused . He 's frightened , overwhelmed . FLASHBOOM ! " You can stop this , Tito . Go ahead . Say your Word . I want to hear it . " " I don 't … I 'm not sure . " Confusion and fear war on Tito 's face . Lawrence hopes he won 't run . He didn 't mean to scare the boy . " Of course you 're sure . You 've known it for centuries , you just haven 't spoken it yet . It 's okay . I 'm here with you . " His first step is hesitant , his second is firm , his third is confident . Lawrence realizes he 's holding his breath . Tito looks up at him , he nods . Tito fixes his gaze on the storm . " " There it is . It 's as quiet as Lawrence 's Word is loud , but no less powerful . It 's so beautiful . As Lawrence watches the storm clouds dissipate a tear rolls down his cheek . 2 Dad suffered even from a sight of blood , and he never killed a hen nor slaughtered a pig . But I was aware that once he had donated his blood in the name of my Mum still , because she 'd had a narrow escape on an operating table then . With me a doctor would have my blood tested in a moment : one , two and it 's done . But first they make you ready for rather a time : take a seat , then have a proper finger chosen , though it is always just the one , then they wipe it with spirits until take somewhat sharp like a mini - scalpel . Not everyone can stand the procedure , but I was not against it when a doctor suggested me having my blood tested . She was a likable one , youngish for her age , not married or divorced , probably . And she had no child , I felt it immediately , she had such a look , barren if you want . Possibly for health reasons she could not bear a child or she didn 't find a right man . Or she could have a particular blood group not to have a child with anyone , that 's why she employed at a doctor 's consulting room to make blood tests . And she urged me to have my blood tested . At first I didn 't mind it , the right thing it is , still she didn 't ask my permission . " Just let 's have your blood tested " , she said and left me . She had many things to do I suppose . In doctor 's smocks they walked hither and thither all the time at a clinic there talking over the heads of those waiting , as if one was dead already . And I was still alive and a nurse was preparing to have my blood tested . While she got me ready she was chattering . She said that men were afraid of blood testing nowadays . More and more they refused to do it and ran away sometimes seeing a drop of blood . And one had nothing to fear , there was a couch behind the curtain in a special emergency to lie low , in case one fainted . She pulled the white curtain aside and showed me a couch with dark green leatherette and I shivered all at once : what for they needed my blood ? She suggested me taking off a jacket and rolling up my sleeve , left or right one , I don 't rMy Bio : Mr . Valery Petrovskiy is a journalist and short story writer from Russia . Не is an English Department graduate at Chuvash State University , Cheboksary , graduated in journalism at VKSch Higher School , Moscow and in psychology at Kazan State Technology University . He has been writing prose since 2005 . Some of his writing has been published in The Scrambler , Rusty Typer , BRICKrethoric , NAP Magazine , Literary Burlesque , The Other Room , Curbside Quotidian , DANSE MACABRE , WidowMoon Press , PRIME MINCER , Apocrypha and Abstractions , The Legendary in the USA , and in Australian " Skive " and " Going Down Swinging " magazines . At the moment he is writer - in - residence at Marco Polo Art Mag . It 's dark in here . That 's because I live at the bottom of the jewellery box along with the other outcasts : the tangled necklace with the broken lobster claw and teddy pendant she got for her eleventh birthday , along with the bracelet that 's missing a couple of gem stones . She always says she will have them repaired but never does , preferring to spend the money on more fashionable pieces instead that imitate Asian and Oriental designs . An untrained eye might imagine that they were found by a back - packer on their travels , but they weren 't . They can be bought from any shop on the high - street , and are merely echoes of worlds she 's never seen . Not all of us down here are broken though . I 'm not , and neither is the engagement ring she got from Mark , ( who eventually cheated on her with Shannon from Reception , ) or the belly bar she took out when she put weight on and decided looked too young for her anyway . The ones at the top who get worn more often pity us , ( ' how boring it must be , ' they say to each other in whispers they think we can 't hear , ' being cooped up down there , month in , month out , ' ) but in a way they 're jealous . As I 've said , you could buy them in their hundreds if you wanted to , and they are without sentimental value like the childhood necklace or the belly bar that reminds her of her wild teens and early twenties . They 're easily replaced and she gives them away when they become outdated - or chucks them if even her younger sister and the charity shops say no , thanks . She doesn 't like Mark 's ring or me , so it isn 't often that her fingers dig through the chunky bangles and strings of beads to bring me to the surface . It happens maybe three or four times a year when she has arranged to visit The Matriarch . The ring doesn 't even get a look in . Why Mark wouldn 't let her give it back to him so that he could give it to someone he did love is beyond us ; at least that way it would have been enjoyed . All the same , seeing as I 'm an heirloom and the ring is eighteen carat white goPerhaps you imagine I get bitter when the voices of the favoured ones float above my head , chattering away about their ventures out of the box : days at work , dinners , dates , parties and who was there , who wasn 't there , what she wore … you get the drift . Or worse , maybe you feel sorry for me . I 'd rather you didn 't . Pity the rest but not me . I 'm not so keen on their weight pressing down on me but I don 't mind the dark . In fact I quite like it . It reminds me of home , my real one , from before I met people . As for being bitter , you can rule that out . I 'm a pearl , darling ; it 's not in my nature . You lot have seen me as a symbol of love for thousands of years and I do try to live up to my name by being kind - although I cannot help but wince sometimes at the irony , given that the first person I ever met died . Don 't look at me like that ; it wasn 't my fault . But that 's why she doesn 't like me . All the same , when you 've being kept in a family for over a century you do take an interest in your present owner , even if it 's not reciprocated , so I enjoy listening to the young ones ' gossip . Let them have their fun while they still can . The best they can hope for is a place in a child 's dressing - up box in just a few , short years so they might as well enjoy it . 2 . Memories . I might be old - fashioned and be from a past that she and you would rather forget , but I 'm not like your kind . I will endure and outlive the others , her - even you . And I never forget . My memory doesn 't grow weak with age , it gets stronger . I can still smell what my home was like ; still feel the movements of the person who found me when he panicked and rushed too quickly to the top , and the urgent , grasping hand of the first , but different person to ever touch me , as though I 'd only stopped smelling and feeling them a minute ago . The memories of my owners and the events in their lives play like the films you are so fond of ; the moment when her grandfather proposed to her grandmother , and the christening of her mother , they are a3 . Before she grew up . I suppose you think it strange that her grandmother , ( or The Matriarch as she jokingly calls her , ) skipped a generation and gave me to someone who doesn 't like me , but it never used to be this way . When she was little and used to visit her grandmother she would ask , ( very politely after giving her a peck on the cheek , ) if she could play with her jewellery box . The answer was always yes , and she would very carefully hunt through the diamonds and gold to find me , pin me to her jumper and wear me for the rest of the time she was there . It became something of a ritual , to the point where her grandmother began to pick me out herself and would put me on the coffee table ready for when she arrived . When she was eighteen , The Matriarch had a heart attack , and fearing that she would never leave hospital , insisted on the girl 's mother driving for two hours to get me , so that she could give me to her personally before it was too late . They were very close , and still are in spite of the distance , for she survived against all the odds . Whenever she goes to see her she always comments on how lovely it is , seeing her granddaughter all grown up , wearing her old brooch that 's always been her favourite . And I was for a time . Traditionally I was only worn for a special or significant occasion , but when she was at college I had the strange but enjoyable experience of being put in her pocket and going with her , and if she felt nervous about something her fingers would slide down to stroke me . Normally I hated people manhandling me , but I didn 't mind in her case - it was better than her biting her nails . It was almost as if she thought that having me with her would stop something bad happening - and I have been viewed as ' lucky . ' Stop sniggering , it 's true . In the days of knights and sword - fighting , we would be worn when the rich and noble went into battle because they thought we would protect them from harm , so don 't laugh at her . It felt good , being wanted , and I have to confess I came in danger You don 't like being reminded of your past - those days of glory when Britain ruled half the world . I think that 's why you apologise so much , and give more than you can afford to charities trying to save the poor and starving around the globe . It 's almost as though you 're trying to make up for all the wrongs done before you were born . And I 've tried to avoid talking about it in case you ran away - I get lonely sometimes and it 's nice having someone to talk to . But you can 't run forever , things have to be faced eventually . Some of you may already know and may already be trying to shut out the sound of my words by turning your thoughts to the plans you 've made for the weekend , but there 'll be a lot of you who don 't . There are lots of happy anecdotes from my owners ' lives I could have told you but this is the one you need to hear : My story . We are not like your kind , but there is one thing we have in common : just as you can 't remember coming out of the womb , we don 't know what it was like being a grain of sand or piece of shell squeezing our way inside an oyster and hardening ; all I remember is being . There were no thoughts , for when you live inside a shell there isn 't a great deal to think about - nothing happens . That probably sounds dull to you but there was no sadness , no pain or death . It was peaceful , just being . I didn 't know this at the time but even nothing has to come to an end eventually : the day would always have come when I would be found . It will be hard for you to understand what it was like being taken out of water , hearing sounds , seeing colours and light - all for the first time . On paper it sounds great , this explosion of life , but the reality was frightening - and even fear was something I had never heard of or felt before . Maybe that 's why your newborns usually cry when they come out , because they 're scared and want to go back . I 'm trying to think of ways to describe how it was to you , and the only way I can think of is for you to imagine an ancient Egyptian being placed in the middle of a supermarket . That might give you a better idea , but even that doesn 't come close . I 've learnt a lot since then - ( I 've had to , I didn 't have any other choice - ) but there 's one thing I 've never been able to get my head around , and that is time . Your lives are ruled by clocks and diaries telling you when deadlines or birthdays are due , but when you have so much time whole years , even decades can pass you by . Forgive me then , if I am a little hazy on dates . What I can tell you is that I was brought to the surface in the late 1800s , which makes me special . There aren 't many of us that come from nature now . Most are made by man in bulk on farms . Things changed . You suddenly became concerned about human life and diving equipment got better . Both meant that the world 's poor no were no longer forced to hold their breaths for comments » I knew that someone important was going to walk into my life at 12 : 15 , just after I normally drink tea and prepare for an slow day working on the horoscope . Now , maybe you might not believe me . After all , I am a professional charlatan . But I knew something was up , because for the last two weeks every prediction I have made actually worked out . It started when I saw Mrs Henderson . She was a fat woman , an unpleasant woman , a great client . Like most people who wanted a reading , she didn 't want the truth . And normally I didn 't give it to her . I pulled out the equipment . It was a plain set . It looked like bone china , but was made in china for a very low price . Mrs Henderson looked impressed anyway . She had a lot of money , and not a lot of sense . Anyway , I started reading the information contained in the tea leafs . And then the world went blank . When I returned to the world , Mrs Henderson was gone . I walked out of the shop I had rented , and another of the shopkeepers came up to me . He was normally an quiet , amicable chap . This time he looked like he wanted to throttle me . " She came out of here . Howling and crying , like you 'd tried to kill her . " he put his face up to mine , " You ever do it again and I 'll . . " " I don 't know what you 're talking about , " and I backed away from him . He stalked off . I walked back to my shop , ready to wait for my next appointment . Mrs Abbot didn 't come . She left a nervous message on my answer phone . At the time I didn 't realise why . Because I had no other clients for the day , I went home . My mouth opened wide . It was such a shock , it seemed like I 'd just been told I was about to die . And then . Then I was in my bed , looking at the ceiling . The police officers had gone . But it felt more real than a dream . It must have been a dream . Yeah , that was what it was , I convinced myself . Although I should have known better . In Ireland you can make a full time living as a psychic . less so in England . The English wouldn 't even pay you if you could predict the lottery . So I also work as a pitchman . Which , if you think about it , is just another way to make a dishonest buck . I walked to the nearest boot sale , and set up . It isn 't too crowded in the morning . And everyone is busy . So I crawl in through the hedge . They don 't know that I 'm there against the rules . I set up . My table is old fashioned . A suitcase with legs you fold out . Like the true pitchmen of the 50 's . My pitch is the worm . They wiggle around my hand , like they are alive . The fools in the crowd gave me money . That is what they are for . She had the longest blondest hair this side of fairyland , and her smile lights up the room like a flashlight . And I knew I am meant to talk to her . Just now . She walked off . I had the sense she is in trouble . She was poorer than she used to be , her clothes were expensive , but last years fashion . I had a feeling I will meet her again . When I got there , there was Mrs Henderson and her husband . Their eyes were red . They had been crying . I couldn 't understand what they were there for . I managed to get them to leave . At first I thought that the gossip would help me . But the truth is , no one wants to go to a psychic that tells them the truth . Life is hard enough . You go to a psychic to hear lies . I made some money as a pitchman , so it didn 't affect me too much . But I kept on having bad dreams . I kept on seeing people I knew in them . Not just that , I saw how they died . Their pain . And I started to write down what I saw . In a book by my bedside cabinet . The extra time I had meant I was drinking more too . It was like I 'd been cursed . But the worst was the Christians . They decided that these dreams were inspired by Satan . They set up the picket line in front of my office . I started to think I should simply leave . On Wednesday , the cleaner came in . She was a nosy parker . And no mistake . Her husband had died a few years back , and she was interested in everything . While it 's not the way she put it , she was very interested in the diary . All the details of the different murders and deaths I 'd seen . All the factual details that no one else other than the murderer could know . She took it to the police , and they read it , and they got their warrant . I arrived back at the normal time , and nothing was different . The book was there . I didn 't notice the surveillance cameras . Not at all . They broke in that night . It wasn 't a dream . And I looked up to them bleary eyed , a gun pointing in my face , and swore . They dragged me towards the back of the car , and I noticed someone had decided to give the press warning . So it was very public . Once in , they took me right there . And kitted me out in fetching jail clothing , since I was still in pyjamas . This was the first time I was in jail , and I can tell you it is not as bad as some people say . There is an odd vinegar smell , hiding other bodily fluids . And it is never quiet . There is always shouting going on , and doors slammed . But it was no worse than some hotels I 've been in while performing . I looked across at my lawyer . Short , thin , balding and bored . The police officer had my diary in front of him . He picked it up . " In it , you 've got the details of dozens of murders . Information the police hasn 't released to the public . Information . . . dare I say it , in some cases that the police didn 't even know themselves . " And that was it . That was the full content of the interview . I was hustled off into the cell , and ended up waiting for days . In telephone conversations with friends , I knew the police were digging up my life . I was given a notebook , and a pen , and I continued to write down my dreams . I thought I might as well . The police would search my cell every now and again , and confiscate them . They even moved me to solitary . Made sure no one could be feeding me this information . Or , presumably , that I wasn 't ordering the killings . But the dreams continued . They were getting worse and worse . Every morning I woke up feeling like I had not slept . I guess at least things looked up , because they took me from prison . They drove me along country lanes , towards a building . I can 't tell you precisely where it was . It just looked like an old school to be honest . You 'd never have guessed it was an intelligence headquarters . They bundled me out into an empty building . You 've heard of the secret prisons . Well , they are true . They dressed me up in a uniform , tagged my ankle , and locked me in a cage . The only thing they gave me was some paper and a pen to write down my dreams . Sometimes people came to research me . They put me in scanners , and gave me all kinds of medical tests . The results were unsurprising . I was just a normal , healthy individual . And that was how it seemed I was destined to live for the rest of my life . Until I started to hear the voices . They were low . Just like someone was talking in the next room . Distant . And I couldn 't make them out . That night I was tossing and turning , and I heard someone shout out my name . I woke up . No one was there . Then I tried to get asleep again , and managed it . But the voice was insistent . Nothing answered me . The guards walked past my cell . But with the dreams and the voices , I was getting no sleep . It started to affect me so badly I would not even eat food . Within a few days I was exhausted . Mentally and physically drained . And I guess that is what the creatures wanted . Because soon they broke through . It 's hard to tell you how it felt . But if you have ever had a moment of shock , when you suddenly feel like you aren 't there , you 'll know . He said his name . And then the voice faded away . But I knew I had to do precisely what he told me . I 'd go mad otherwise . Maybe I was already mad . The opportunity came sooner than I expected . My handlers were getting anxious . I was producing less predictions than normal , and the federal conviction rate was plummeting through the floor . The handlers looked like model citizens . Dark suits , a man and a woman dressed formally , like they were lawyers . They flashed their badge to me . I don 't know why , the fact I was in a prison gave them away . The police officer fell back . You could see him working it through in his mind . Despite the success of my predictions , he settled on the conclusion I was mad . After all , psychic phenomena were impossible . He 'd read that once . I shook my head . But that night , I was thinking about it , and decided that I had to ask . Had to have a conversation , if only for my sanity . When the voices started up , I leaned forward in my bed . I asked the question again . But he would say nothing of use to me . he would only repeatedly ask me to find his killers . Not very useful . Eventually , I managed to coax his name from him . Nigel . Not a very good name for a joke . That was the strange thing . No murder victims of that name came up . Not any time soon . But a week later , a Nigel disappeared . And I realised the truth . I looked through the court reports . He had been killed by stabbing . They wouldn 't let me out of the jail . So all I could do was read the files they brought on him . And I got the feeling that many of the details had been redacted . it was like looking for a haystack in an elephant : messy and not very satisfactory . There were only two people I decided who could have done it . They both had a great deal to gain . At the end of the day , though , there is a limit to what you can do from inside a jail cell . The guards looked sceptically at me when I asked for it . But I was responsible for half the murder arrests in the district for the last six months . So they eventually gave me what I wanted . Especially when I refused to furnish them with any more information . I don 't know if you have ever been to a proper séance . Well , to be honest , most of the time the knocks are from the medium . But this time it was different . Within moments of the séance starting , I was aware that the room was colder . Then the entire board lifted off the table , and flew towards me . It hit the wall a few inches from my face . The room warmed up again . The presence was gone . For a little while . " I didn 't " I replied . I knew that he didn 't believe me . But he would have to show more senior people . And I knew they couldn 't afford to risk me . I went back to bed . For the first time in weeks , I had no bad dreams . I guess Nigel knew I understood his message . I slept very soundly . Until the next morning . But my guards didn 't really understand . Or they did not want to understand . My handler met me in the interview room the next morning . He looked tired . Besides him sat a man I hadn 't seen before . He wore the cleanest , most expensive suit I had seen during my stay at the states pleasure . The man stood up . He walked out of the room . Measured , and without menace . But he didn 't seem to be a man used to dealing with no . My handler shook his head . He didn 't need to tell me the consequences . All of a sudden , I was put on suicide watch . Woken up every thirty minutes to see if I wasn 't dead yet . The heating in my cell surprisingly broke . I knew I was in their hands totally . But I never realised what it was like to displease them . You see , Nigel might be a ghost , but that doesn 't mean he is stupid . He can see what is happening . He knows they are stopping me doing what he wants . And this gets him angry . They first times he acted , it looked like coincidence . The guards chair would tilt under him , depositing him on the floor . Or cups of coffee were not placed firmly enough on the table . The guards were spooked by me . They knew that I was able to see things they could not . But although the guards face became pale , his hand on the trigger was steady and firm . It was too late . The chair slammed into the guard . He dropped to the floor . Then I saw the guards keys float from his pocket . My cell door was unlocked . I walked over to the guard , stripped his clothes off , and changed into his uniform . I thought I didn 't have much of a choice . If I didn 't do what Nigel wanted he would kill me . Every door I came to slid open without me doing anything . It would have been creepy if I didn 't know what was happening . Soon the alarms started to ring out . People would be grabbing their guns , getting ready to shoot me . I could feel my heart trying to escape from my chest . I soon arrived at fire exit . It opened in front of me . I climbed down some steps . Below me , I could see coppers swarming . I continued to walk down . One of the coppers recognised me . I ran in the opposite direction . He took aim , and I could hear the gun explode behind me . But the bullet didn 't pierce my skin like I expected . Instead , it ended in the ground . I reached a police car , and the engine came on without anyone doing anything . Then I went into a store and bought black trousers and a white shirt . Got changed . And walked out of the shopping centre , expecting to be caught at any time . In my pocket there was five hundred dollars . That was all I had in the world , except for an insane ghost . I decided it was time to go to the library . After chatting to the librarian for a few seconds , she walked me over to a computer which had copies of the local papers for the last twenty years . I typed a search . At first I found nothing , but as I expanded the search back I found him . According to the interview , he was found murdered in his bed . He had been asleep . His wife had been charged and convicted of his murder . But she said she was innocent . Nothing came in response . I knew that would happen . It was too much to hope for . It was getting late at night . The librarian was fussing near me . It was time to go . When you are a fugitive , it isn 't as simple to find a place to stay as booking a room in a hotel . I walked round , looking for an empty house . It took me an hour . Occasionally a police car would go past . It made me nervous . At one time it would have been a posh bungalow . But whoever had owned it had been taken to a care home , and it was covered in weeds and neglect . I walked up to the door , and it swings open . That is one of the advantages of your own private poltergeist . Inside it was a mess . But dry and water proof . There was a wood burning stove in one room . The power was off , and Nigel didn 't turn it on . But the water was only off at the mains . It was easy enough to get it working again . In the morning I would have to start the process of searching for Nigel Slater . I knew roughly where he lived . I fell asleep , and woke up hungry and cramped . Outside , I could hear rustling . I peeked through the window , and could see a man dressed only in black . He looked like he was not very friendly . I ducked down , but he must have seen me . He edged towards the door . It was locked , but he slammed it open . I hid behind the sofa . it didn 't help . He walked towards me . I noticed he had a poker in his hand . There was no way he wouldn 't find me . I stood up . I looked over at him . He had a long scar down his face . it seemed like he was used to trouble . And he was straining to start a fight . I did what he said . He followed me . I thought he might hit me at any second . or recognise me . They must have put my picture out into the news by now . I sighed with relief , but knew that my location might be passed onto the police . I decided it was time to get out of the town . I caught a bus , and tried to hide my face . Since I hadn 't had a bath for a few days it was easier than you might think . People did not want to look me in the eyes . I arrived at Nigel 's house six hours latter . It was a solemn house . A plane front garden laid to grass , brick frontage , and white windows . It didn 't look like anyone had ever cared for it . It looked like it was a place to sleep and not to stay . It took me a few minutes to settle down , and watch the street . There was nothing extraordinary about it . A few people walked past , taking little interest in the stranger . After watching for half an hour , I knew there was little information here for me . Talking round the local shops I found out that Nigel had been a quiet man . Few people knew him , past his saying hello . he didn 't seem to have been involved in anything wrong . or indeed in anything at all . I decided that there could only really have been one source of trouble . He must have found out something at work . Something that made him worth more to someone dead than alive . I got some annual reports from his company and studied them . Amazing what is available on the internet these days . There was little of interest . I applied to work at Nigel 's company as a cleaner . it was a big risk . I supplied false references , and knew they would not check them for months . That 's the thing about cleaners . No one takes any notice . So I got the job , and examined the work place thoroughly . It looked like an office . The computers were always on . Once or twice I looked over the shoulder of someone working but it was all gobbledygook to me . To make it worse , I saw my face on the newspaper when I went for food . Sure , I looked a lot different now . I had grown longer hair , a beard , and was thinner . But it was still me . I grew suspicious of other people . Then came my big break . Several people were working in the office late . I overhead them speaking about a billion dollar deal . The company was getting bought out . I checked the internet , and there was something in the trade section . The routine was the same every day . But one of my colleagues had not turned up to work . So I was asked to clean the main office . I did so . But I did more than that , I broke into the file cabinets , and started reading company secrets . But that didn 't save me for long . The next day I arrived at work a few minutes earlier . Something told me that things were wrong . The security guard on the gate was new . He told me to go out to the bosses office . I walked into a small lab , and looked around . There was a window , and I tried to open it . In the distance I could see five police cars . The window wouldn 't open . There was only one way out . And I knew that by now , there would be police officers between me and the door . I looked round to find a chair . Then used it to break the window . The alarm went , and I slid through the empty hole . But I caught my shoulder on a shard of glass . I was bleeding . The police gave up their pretence . Dozens of sirens started up , heading towards the building . I ran through a green space . I knew that there was only one way out of the compound except the front gate . A hole in the fence I had noticed a few days earlier . But over head their was a helicopter . Although I ran like the wind , it wasn 't enough . I could hear the police men getting closer and closer . I turned around and saw two police officers . They both had guns pointed at me . I raised my hands , and they soon had me on the ground . I arrived at my destination a few hours latter . This time they were taking no chances . I arrived at a super maximum prison . Surrounded by barbed wire , dogs , and armed police officers it was obvious I 'd never get out . The next day the interrogation began . Again and Again . Asking me where I had gone . What I had done . I eventually broke down and told them everything . But that didn 't stop them continuing . Maybe what they were doing was no crime . But it was a form of torture . Eventually , the interrogations stopped . They gave me paper . They wanted to go back to how it used to be . But by that time I had got so angry , even when I did have a dream I kept it to myself . I wasn 't there . So all I can do is repeat the report that was made to me . No guarantee it is what happened . Apparently the director of the FBI had been having an extramarital affair . He was in bed that normal , and engaging in exercise at the same time . This was not expected , but what was even more unexpected was the windows opening wide . And the explosions of a gun . The director of the FBI 's gun . But I do know that it made the national news . The assistant director of the FBI resigned . And , to be frank , most of the people in the FBI did not care much about that . But it was fair warning . He didn 't seem to be exactly happy about what had happened . In fact , he stormed in to the visiting room , and let loose a barrage of swear words . I sat there passively , listening to him . When he calmed down sufficiently , he sat down . " Nigel was right . All he wants is his murderer found . But he isn 't going to stop . Not until that is done . Not even if he has to kill someone else to do it . " " No . I am not . Nigel is a threat to you . If you stand in the way , that is . He is a ghost . What can you do to get rid of him ? " The director of the FBI thought for a few seconds . An hour latter , a priest turned up with bell , book and candle . it didn 't work spectacularly . The power went off , the candle blew out , the bell rang , and the book was thrown across the room . The director gestured to the mirror and two toughs walked in . They carried some rope . They tied me to the chair , and lifted a cosh over their heads . Then all hell broke lose . The cosh swung back by itself . it raised into the air , and came down , laying out one of the thugs . The other caught me a glancing blow , but something unseen lifted him from the floor and threw him against the wall . " You have a choice . Director . Help find Nigel 's killer . Or , I think , Nigel will chase you down and gut you like a fish . " Eventually the Director settled down again . He sat in his chair , silently looking at me . I wasn 't a pretty picture . Thin , and in prison coveralls . I must have looked like a real criminal . They let me go that afternoon . Put me in a suit , and told me I was seconded to the FBI . I was even given my own agent . He was tall , thin , and looked every inch the government man . The agent shook his head . He gave nothing away . That was when I knew he wasn 't sent to help me . Just to keep an eye out on me . Nevertheless , I decided that I could use him . Like he wanted to use me . I looked over to him , and told him to get a warrant . We were going to search Nigel 's company . And read every damn bit of paper they had about Sigma . When we arrived at the door , they had their lawyer sorted out already . Someone must have leaked it . He looked like he had cost a lot of money . " I 'm afraid we have the right not to incriminate ourselves . We are asserting that right . Both as a company , and as individuals . So , no , you can ask any questions but we will not answer them . " I was surprised when I found the clue . It was something no one else would have noticed . A single envelope in the bin . It contained an address . I think Nigel must have been helping me . I was drawn to it . But the thing I noticed was the fact the address had a Sigma stamp . Once we were out of the building , I decided to break away from the FBI agent . I knew some things would work better on my own . it was easier said than done . When I tried to go for a walk that night , he insisted on staying right by me . Getting to the address was difficult . I didn 't have a car , I had to take the bus . Most of the journey there wasn 't even that . And it had began to rain . I must have looked odd , walking around town that late at night , soaked . In fact , I surprised no copper stopped me . " Good enough , " I said . Knowing I was lying as I said it . It wasn 't like it was my strong point . The expression on the coppers face showed he thought not either . He stood there behind me his mouth opened , as I shimmied the lock . it opened . I walked in . This was a mistake , I didn 't notice the small CCTV camera , the camera that was hidden in a plug socket . But it was sending my picture right up to the security office . I worked quickly , going up the stairs to the office . I don 't know what I had expected to see . But what I did see looked just like any other office . Even down to the half drunk cup of coffee . I woke up in the boot of a car . I could feel the engine running , and smell burning petrol . It was pick black . The car started off , bumping along the ground . Hitting me from side to side . My hands were tied behind my back . It was lucky I knew a little magic . I got the knot loose without much effort . Then I grovelled around the car to find something , anything that could help me . There was a wrench , which I picked up . I put the rope around my wrists , hiding the fact I was loose . And put the wrench in my pocket . The boot of the car swung open . One of the security guards lifted me out of the boot . He was covered in muscle . My mouth opened wide . That was the last thing I expected to hear . They marched me along the ground and I saw him for the first time . Nigel . Alive . Then the room went strange . Something turned the lights off , and opened the windows . It even raised a chair off the ground . The security guard looked worried for the first time . " For the last month , I have been searching for the person who killed Nigel Slater . You , sir , are Nigel Slater . But it seems your ghost hasn 't got the information you are alive . " But it didn 't work . By the time that the ambulance arrived , Nigel was in a deep coma . It took only a short time after that until the first homicide detective got there . But the truth is , it was fate . No ones fault . Except the murderer . After all , how can Nigel Slater 's ghost come into my dreams unless he is actually killed ? What happened next surprised me . The cops arrested me . Told me I was being held on suspicion of murder . I told them not to be idiots , but they wrote it in their notebooks and not their minds . By that point the clues would be getting stale , so I drove right to the company . But they wouldn 't let me in . it was a police investigation , they said . No dice . I called the FBI agent and asked him to run the full scan on Slater . By the time he had finished I would know every single family member . And all I had to do was interview them . The only clue left to me was Sigma . The company was closed for a few hours , but the managing director wasn 't . Again the FBI came to my rescue . They had the address , and I wasn 't afraid to use it . We walked up the garden path . It wasn 't the most luxurious house that a managing director had ever lived at . But I knocked on the door anyway . I walked in . Behold , the group was all there . The director of the FBI himself . The attorney general . And a four star general . I could feel the back of my assistant straightening up . The Managing Director pressed a button on the TV . It switched on . Nigel Slater 's office . I saw him pick up his glass . Put the chemicals in it . The MD fast forwarded . Nigel killed himself . " Oil . We got him to produce computer models . All the oil reserves . He was so great . . . well , he could produce a program that told us exactly where oil was , just from satellite images . " Just at that moment a dozen armed guards came into the room . Their guns were pointed right at me . I raised my hands , and was soon plunged into the carpet . They searched me . Didn 't find anything interesting . " Yeah . But I don 't think you did it . I don 't think you were that smart . But I don 't know what this being who calls himself Nigel Slater is , " I didn 't struggle . By now , them putting handcuffs on me was almost routine . I just wish I had been able to continue my life as a charlatan . I didn 't know what to say to that . it was true . it was obvious when you think about it . Nigel had told me he was murdered when he was still alive . but no one ever said the soul was bound to the arrow of time . Within a few minutes we had picked up an escort . From what I could tell , they had closed the road down . Only we were travelling that evening . I gulped . It looked like things were just about to head for the worse . The trip to the Whitehouse was the most fraught I had experienced in my life . The director of the FBI was reading faxes and emails in the car . His face was getting more and more pale . " I guess like the English did in WWII . With disinformation . We need to get an Chinese agent and feed him bad info . And I guess Nigel might be your best hope for that . " I guess the FBI director caught on quickly . Because he could go anywhere , Nigel could listen to the Chinese chatter . He could find Chinese agents . Maybe he didn 't know Chinese , but he knew enough to listen in to the English language conversations . It wasn 't a new concept . The CIA had investigated it in the sixties . But they didn 't have a real life ghost , so their experiments failed . This time we had a real ghost . I asked them to pick out the Ouija board again . The séance room was a sight you had never seen in your life . The president and the director of the FBI holding hands , in a dark room . The president of the united states shook his head . You could tell he couldn 't believe what he was seeing . He got up from his seat , and you could almost hear his bones cracking . Over in the corner of the room I could see a computer with satellite images . I could watch the Chinese fleet mobilising in real time . The number of dots that represented aircraft carriers alone was scary . " It will only be a few days before we have to mobilise our own navy . " The wait was excruciating . But suddenly five hours latter , the board started spelling out a name . The FBI director went to work . Within minutes they had the file out . He didn 't look like what you would expect of a Chinese agent . He had long , blonde hair , was dressed in a respectable suit , and had a respectable job . He worked in the old navy base . His job was to work on the files , reading sensitive military information . Including information about resource allocation . Once they checked his bank account the truth became obvious . The FBI director stood up , and paced down the long thin corridor . Then he arrived back in the meeting room with a young woman . She was dressed in military uniform . He explained the plan . It was simple . The Chinese agent needed to think it had all been a hoax . But for that to work , he would have to eat a pack of lies . I wasn 't there , so I can report only what I have been told . The female agent I had been introduced to worked in the old navy headquarters . She worked in the files there . It is a room full of top secret papers . Room might be the wrong word ; it was the size of an aircraft hanger . She worked there , and had spent months being bored . So naturally , she had struck up a conversation with the handsome blonde military attaché . And , the conversation was reciprocated . The director of the FBI looked at her . She didn 't look like much to put the freedom of the world onto . But she was eager . And after being told what to do , she didn 't complain . She saluted . I stood at the back of the room , watching the Director of the FBI feeling out the officer , and knew I would have to talk to Nigel alone . I didn 't trust her . She looked too good to be true with her starched uniform and willing smile . The new agent went into a staff car , to be driven to the headquarters . She looked very lonely in the back of the car . Meanwhile , we walked to the operations room . There was a banks of monitors the length of the room . We could see satellite images of the build up of the Chinese fleet , as well as real time updates of our spies . I nodded . Then looked back over to the screens . I could see our agent depositing the papers in her draw . She phoned up the Chinese agent , and set up dinner . It looked like a glorious feast . Roast duck , with all the trimmings . The doorbell went . She walked over to it , and opened it . She said something , and the Chinese agent walked into the room . After ten minutes of conversation , she walked away . To go to the toilet . He walked over to the draws , and started rummaging . After a few minutes he found the file our agent had left . He took out the smallest camera you have ever seen , and clicked the image . After that , he put the files away . After he left , the confirmation came thick and fast . The Chinese fleet disbanded . It was amazing to see , but they split up within a matter of hours . Soon the sea around Taiwan was empty except for commercial shipping . I guess that if this had been a story that would be it . I would have been given a party , a celebration , and been allowed to leave . After all , I had saved the day . Well , Nigel did leave . I haven 't heard from him since . After they had finished celebrating , a guard collected me , and drove me in a prison van to here . It is a cold concrete cell . I am allowed a TV , and to write carefully vetted letters . I 'm not sure how I will post this , my story . Maybe I will write it under the postage stamp . I guess for an old crook like me , it is fair . But I wish I had been sent to jail for something I did . And not for some trumped up terrorist charge . Currently we only offer payment for one story selected as the feature story in the monthly pdf magazine only . The successful author will be contacted to organise payment via paypal for a $ 5AUD payment . 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The ship swayed and creaked . He feels every bit of it in his body . Taking no chances the crew , damnedable pirates , have chained him with no give . Legs bound in a kneeling position , arms chained to either wall crucifying him to the ship like a perverse figurehead , he 's been their captive long enough to have forgotten the feel of kindness . It is a small blessing that their fear of him keeps his gag in place at all times . It keeps them from coming anywhere near him . The captain learned a long time ago that he gleans all he needs to live from the moisture in the air , the brine in his eyes . During storms , when he is strongest , the captain posts guards with him . They don 't look at him . A terrible hope fills him today . By the movement of the ship and the crew 's curses , he knows that they 're being pursued by another ship . This ship is a runner , fast . There 'd be little concern of capture if the ship did not gain its quickness from being light , gain its lightness from having little room for armaments or supplies . The pursuers have had them going for a week now and they 'd been out of port for at least a month . He knows from the panic in the crew that the food is all but gone . Soon they 'll be too weak to load what small guns are aboard . He 'd be surprised if they could remember how to sight the cannons it 's been so long since the captain has ordered them used . His hope stems from the pirates ' desperation . If they succumb to practicality then they 'll come for him . With frightened hearts and shaking hands , they 'll undo his chains and he 'll get to spend some time under the sky instead of under foot . So he waits for their desperation to bloom practicality . It does not take long . The first mate comes with three guards and the keys . It is always the first mate that comes to get him . The captain coming himself would make him a person that the captain fears , he wouldn 't last long once that got out among the crew . The first mate is the only one he trusts with the keys to his chains . " The captain wants to see you . " He speaks with a unique accent that comes with the ship 's pidgin of French , Spanish , and Greek . His ears hear the gibberish , but his mind provides him with the meaning . Slowly , they unchain his arms from the ship and secure them behind his back . The guards are afraid to touch him , unsure whether he 'll break or they 'll be infected with something . It strikes him as odd how religious some of these men are . Coming onto the deck , sea spray hits him in the face , covers his bare chest . He instantly feels more alive . He stands taller , muscles flex , the chains bite into his skin . They take him to the captain , standing at the aft of the ship . He stands beside the captain looking out at the wide ocean , the only thing marring their perfect view of the horizon the pursuers . The first mate and guards fold themselves into the three other men standing around them . The captain just stands there for a few minutes , ignoring him . This too is done to show the crew he will do this in his own time , to show that the man he keeps below decks does not frighten him . Around the gag , behind the locked mouth plate , he smiles . Only he and the captain know what he is , and he knows that the captain is frightened of that . " I have use of you . " From under his coat he draws out the key that only he is allowed to keep . He inserts into lock for the face plate . " If you hurt this ship my men will stab you and you will die before you can swim for freedom . Like always , yeah ? " He nods . It 's always the same threat . It vaguely occurs to him that this is only a half life . But then , the spirits would kill for half a life . The plate falls away and he spits the wooden wedge from his mouth . His tongue sticks out , tasting the salt in the air . He flexes his jaw , taking in the blue sky , the white clouds , the gentle waves . He smiles at the captain . Other than the crew 's swords there is very little compelling him . Finally , the captain 's annoyance at the delay shows on his face . He focuses on ship on the horizon . He tries not to think of the men on the ship . He knows he will have to answer for his actions one day , but he 's trying to postpone that day for as long as possible . " I 'm fine . Sorry . " The cabby 's eyes dart from the road to the rearview mirror and back . " I 'm good . I 'm okay . " The cabby 's eyes return to the road and stay there , Lawrence was prepared to keep reassuring him for the rest of the drive as long as he didn 't take his eyes off the road . " That jetlag 's a bitch , isn 't it ? " " Yeah , jetlag . " He doesn 't really feel like talking so he looks out the window . What he sees unsettles him so much that he almost closes his eyes again . Outside the cab desert stretched on for miles . When he 'd met the cabby at the airport he 'd been fine . They 'd been in the middle of a city . He preferred the buildings and people to the endless dry expanse . He tried to think of it as a sea of earth but it just made him queasy . He can 't help it , he closes his eyes . " We 're almost there , " the cabby rouses him . " If I 'd of known I wouldn 't have let you sleep at all . You wouldn 't believe how many people fall asleep in my cab from the airport . " The cabby keeps up a steady stream of chitchat for the next few minutes . Lawrence doesn 't say much , but he 's glad for the distraction . " Here we go , buddy . " He pulls up in front of an independent diner . Lawrence can tell the sign was made with care when it was painted , years in the desert sun has faded it badly . " They got good food here ? " " I don 't know . This is my first time here . " He pays the fare and steps out of the air - conditioned interior . His lips are immediately dry and cracked . The heat cuts him to the core as fast as it dried his lips , the urge to speak rises in him . He needs to escape this heat , he 's drowning in dryness . He rushes inside hoping that they 'll have air - conditioning . No such luck . The interior of the restaurant is as faded as the exterior . He seats himself , impatiently tapping his foot waiting for the waitress . He can hear the sound of the wind . Not the dry , lifeless wind of the desert , but the damp , alive wind of the storm . It 's calling to him , begging him to call out . He licks his lips with a tongue he can barely feel . He can 't help himself , the desert is antithesis for him . Why had he decided to come here ? To satisfy some adolescent curiosity ? He takes one long , shuttering breath . " The special , two of them , just bring me a pitcher of water . " His throat feels so dry . He has to speak now before he loses his chance . " Hmph ! " With blurry vision he watches her flounce back to the kitchen . He grabs the edge of the table to steady himself . He 's clenching his jaw by the time she comes back with a glass for him . He swallows half of it . The cool liquid fills him , calming him . Vision clears , hands stop shaking , the urge lessening . The torrent of wind in his ears shifts to a gentle breeze . How close had he come ? The waitress turns to leave again , he grabs her arm . " Can I get you anything else ? " She says it in such a way that makes Lawrence wonder if it 's actually a question . She tired of him he can tell . She 's too used to bullying the locals . He doesn 't trying to be nice to her , he just takes out a fifty and lays it on the table . " This is your tip if you keep bringing me pitchers of water . " Her eyes gleam slightly as she stares at the bill on the table . Slowly she puts the pitcher on the table . " Thank you . " He drains the rest of his glass and pours another . He finishes this one in three huge gulps . He doesn 't feel as trapped now , his breathing has evened out . He fills the glass a third time , finishing off the pitcher , but only sips this one . A couple minutes pass , the waitress brings his two specials and another pitcher . Lawrence only picks at his food . Between the desert and the age of the equipment in the diner the food is completely dry . Mainly he just cuts up the food and moves it around on his plate . Mainly he watches the people in the restaurant . He immediately discounts his waitress . Seeing her move around the diner , speaking with her , she 's spent most of her life trying to get away from this place . It 's a pity that she 'd never really feel like she belongs anywhere . An old man sits in another booth . He is weathered , his countenance telling the story of a life in the desert . Despite the heat of the day he 's drinking coffee . Lawrence would have considered him a likely candidate if his research didn 't tell him he is looking for someone younger . Besides the old man doesn 't look like he belongs here , only that he 's gotten used to living here . It 's an old style diner setup , so Lawrence can see the cook behind the half wall separating the kitchen from the dining area . Cook would be a wonderful job for who he 's looking for . The heat rising from the stove providing a fix for the cravings while at work . Though nothing compared to the natural heat of the desert it would do while at work . Unfortunately the cook is wearing a sleeveless shirt that 's plastered to his body with sweat . Lawrence 's heart falls . He 's not close enough to the cook to pick up a flow from him , but the fact that he 's sweating tells him all he needs to know . It 's possible his sources were wrong . It 's not easy to track a Bearer . The burden / gift they bear making it too hard to get a fix on them . He 's about to get up , throwing the contents of his glass down his throat , when the kitchen door swings open and a young man steps through . Lawrence puts his cup down and watches him . Something in the way he moves is different . Somehow his movements come off as light , almost bouncy . Even just clearing dishes from tables , his movements are quick , precise . He wears a t - shirt , jeans , and boots , all are cheap , but he still has an air of status . Lawrence notes that he 's not sweating . He looks up , checking for more stray dishes . Lawrence motions him over . " You finished with this , mister ? " Lawrence inhales and catches the scent of aged stone . " Sorry , mister , I 'm just here for the dishes . You 'll want to try Craiper St . around ten tonight . " He grabs a plate , Lawrence grabs his wrist . Sun … Heat … Dry … Sand … Lawrence pulls his hand away , palm red . Perspiration stands out on the young man 's brow now , fear in his eyes . He slides into the booth across from Lawrence . Lawrence pours another glass of water and waits for the boy to say something . " I 'm on break ! " She throws up her hands and goes back into the kitchen . Tito smiles at Lawrence . " Let 's go outside . " Lawrence downs his water and follows him out and around the diner . " I 'm Benjamin Fuller , but everyone calls me , Tito . Now who the hell are you ? " It 's a fair question . If he doesn 't know what he is then he 's probably really freaked out . Lawrence can 't blame him , he 's been there . " Ha , not likely , man . " Tito looks skeptical , very skeptical . There 's at least fifteen years between them . And while Tito isn 't a full blooded Mexican , Lawrence can tell at least one of his parents is , while Lawrence couldn 't be more white without being an albino . It 's hard to believe . " I don 't mean biologically . I mean spiritually . " Tito 's face is instantly serious . " You can feel it , can 't you ? That subtle , tickling at the back of your brain that makes you feel like you know me , even while at your core I unsettle you . " " Yes . " Tito looks so relieved that it breaks Lawrence 's heart . He knows what it 's like to finally have this explained . Lawrence had spent three years in a mental hospital trying to deal by himself . Tito is a strong young man . " Where is there open desert ? " Tito points down an alley . Lawrence starts walking , Tito doesn 't need to be told to follow , he falls into step next to Lawrence careful not to touch him . They come out the other end of the alley seeing open land . For Lawrence it 's as close to nothing as he ever wants to get . Longing fills Tito 's eyes . " I want to share something with you . Watch out there . " Lawrence takes a deep breath and centers himself . The urge to speak has been growing since they stepped out of the diner , the dryness creeping in to all his dark places . Tito 's hands fly up to cover his ears . " Ah ! What the hell ? " FLASH ! BOOM ! The thunder cuts off any further curses . Tito 's gaze is drawn out to the desert , where black storm clouds have formed out of nowhere . The fear is back in his eyes , he retreats till his back hits the wall to the building . " What have you done ? " " I spoke my Word . We 're Word Bearers , Tito . You have your own . Can you feel it ? Deep in core . " Lawrence can see he 's confused . He 's frightened , overwhelmed . FLASHBOOM ! " You can stop this , Tito . Go ahead . Say your Word . I want to hear it . " " I don 't … I 'm not sure . " Confusion and fear war on Tito 's face . Lawrence hopes he won 't run . He didn 't mean to scare the boy . " Of course you 're sure . You 've known it for centuries , you just haven 't spoken it yet . It 's okay . I 'm here with you . " His first step is hesitant , his second is firm , his third is confident . Lawrence realizes he 's holding his breath . Tito looks up at him , he nods . Tito fixes his gaze on the storm . " " There it is . It 's as quiet as Lawrence 's Word is loud , but no less powerful . It 's so beautiful . As Lawrence watches the storm clouds dissipate a tear rolls down his cheek . 2 Dad suffered even from a sight of blood , and he never killed a hen nor slaughtered a pig . But I was aware that once he had donated his blood in the name of my Mum still , because she 'd had a narrow escape on an operating table then . With me a doctor would have my blood tested in a moment : one , two and it 's done . But first they make you ready for rather a time : take a seat , then have a proper finger chosen , though it is always just the one , then they wipe it with spirits until take somewhat sharp like a mini - scalpel . Not everyone can stand the procedure , but I was not against it when a doctor suggested me having my blood tested . She was a likable one , youngish for her age , not married or divorced , probably . And she had no child , I felt it immediately , she had such a look , barren if you want . Possibly for health reasons she could not bear a child or she didn 't find a right man . Or she could have a particular blood group not to have a child with anyone , that 's why she employed at a doctor 's consulting room to make blood tests . And she urged me to have my blood tested . At first I didn 't mind it , the right thing it is , still she didn 't ask my permission . " Just let 's have your blood tested " , she said and left me . She had many things to do I suppose . In doctor 's smocks they walked hither and thither all the time at a clinic there talking over the heads of those waiting , as if one was dead already . And I was still alive and a nurse was preparing to have my blood tested . While she got me ready she was chattering . She said that men were afraid of blood testing nowadays . More and more they refused to do it and ran away sometimes seeing a drop of blood . And one had nothing to fear , there was a couch behind the curtain in a special emergency to lie low , in case one fainted . She pulled the white curtain aside and showed me a couch with dark green leatherette and I shivered all at once : what for they needed my blood ? She suggested me taking off a jacket and rolling up my sleeve , left or right one , I don 't rMy Bio : Mr . Valery Petrovskiy is a journalist and short story writer from Russia . Не is an English Department graduate at Chuvash State University , Cheboksary , graduated in journalism at VKSch Higher School , Moscow and in psychology at Kazan State Technology University . He has been writing prose since 2005 . Some of his writing has been published in The Scrambler , Rusty Typer , BRICKrethoric , NAP Magazine , Literary Burlesque , The Other Room , Curbside Quotidian , DANSE MACABRE , WidowMoon Press , PRIME MINCER , Apocrypha and Abstractions , The Legendary in the USA , and in Australian " Skive " and " Going Down Swinging " magazines . At the moment he is writer - in - residence at Marco Polo Art Mag . It 's dark in here . That 's because I live at the bottom of the jewellery box along with the other outcasts : the tangled necklace with the broken lobster claw and teddy pendant she got for her eleventh birthday , along with the bracelet that 's missing a couple of gem stones . She always says she will have them repaired but never does , preferring to spend the money on more fashionable pieces instead that imitate Asian and Oriental designs . An untrained eye might imagine that they were found by a back - packer on their travels , but they weren 't . They can be bought from any shop on the high - street , and are merely echoes of worlds she 's never seen . Not all of us down here are broken though . I 'm not , and neither is the engagement ring she got from Mark , ( who eventually cheated on her with Shannon from Reception , ) or the belly bar she took out when she put weight on and decided looked too young for her anyway . The ones at the top who get worn more often pity us , ( ' how boring it must be , ' they say to each other in whispers they think we can 't hear , ' being cooped up down there , month in , month out , ' ) but in a way they 're jealous . As I 've said , you could buy them in their hundreds if you wanted to , and they are without sentimental value like the childhood necklace or the belly bar that reminds her of her wild teens and early twenties . They 're easily replaced and she gives them away when they become outdated - or chucks them if even her younger sister and the charity shops say no , thanks . She doesn 't like Mark 's ring or me , so it isn 't often that her fingers dig through the chunky bangles and strings of beads to bring me to the surface . It happens maybe three or four times a year when she has arranged to visit The Matriarch . The ring doesn 't even get a look in . Why Mark wouldn 't let her give it back to him so that he could give it to someone he did love is beyond us ; at least that way it would have been enjoyed . All the same , seeing as I 'm an heirloom and the ring is eighteen carat white goPerhaps you imagine I get bitter when the voices of the favoured ones float above my head , chattering away about their ventures out of the box : days at work , dinners , dates , parties and who was there , who wasn 't there , what she wore … you get the drift . Or worse , maybe you feel sorry for me . I 'd rather you didn 't . Pity the rest but not me . I 'm not so keen on their weight pressing down on me but I don 't mind the dark . In fact I quite like it . It reminds me of home , my real one , from before I met people . As for being bitter , you can rule that out . I 'm a pearl , darling ; it 's not in my nature . You lot have seen me as a symbol of love for thousands of years and I do try to live up to my name by being kind - although I cannot help but wince sometimes at the irony , given that the first person I ever met died . Don 't look at me like that ; it wasn 't my fault . But that 's why she doesn 't like me . All the same , when you 've being kept in a family for over a century you do take an interest in your present owner , even if it 's not reciprocated , so I enjoy listening to the young ones ' gossip . Let them have their fun while they still can . The best they can hope for is a place in a child 's dressing - up box in just a few , short years so they might as well enjoy it . 2 . Memories . I might be old - fashioned and be from a past that she and you would rather forget , but I 'm not like your kind . I will endure and outlive the others , her - even you . And I never forget . My memory doesn 't grow weak with age , it gets stronger . I can still smell what my home was like ; still feel the movements of the person who found me when he panicked and rushed too quickly to the top , and the urgent , grasping hand of the first , but different person to ever touch me , as though I 'd only stopped smelling and feeling them a minute ago . The memories of my owners and the events in their lives play like the films you are so fond of ; the moment when her grandfather proposed to her grandmother , and the christening of her mother , they are a3 . Before she grew up . I suppose you think it strange that her grandmother , ( or The Matriarch as she jokingly calls her , ) skipped a generation and gave me to someone who doesn 't like me , but it never used to be this way . When she was little and used to visit her grandmother she would ask , ( very politely after giving her a peck on the cheek , ) if she could play with her jewellery box . The answer was always yes , and she would very carefully hunt through the diamonds and gold to find me , pin me to her jumper and wear me for the rest of the time she was there . It became something of a ritual , to the point where her grandmother began to pick me out herself and would put me on the coffee table ready for when she arrived . When she was eighteen , The Matriarch had a heart attack , and fearing that she would never leave hospital , insisted on the girl 's mother driving for two hours to get me , so that she could give me to her personally before it was too late . They were very close , and still are in spite of the distance , for she survived against all the odds . Whenever she goes to see her she always comments on how lovely it is , seeing her granddaughter all grown up , wearing her old brooch that 's always been her favourite . And I was for a time . Traditionally I was only worn for a special or significant occasion , but when she was at college I had the strange but enjoyable experience of being put in her pocket and going with her , and if she felt nervous about something her fingers would slide down to stroke me . Normally I hated people manhandling me , but I didn 't mind in her case - it was better than her biting her nails . It was almost as if she thought that having me with her would stop something bad happening - and I have been viewed as ' lucky . ' Stop sniggering , it 's true . In the days of knights and sword - fighting , we would be worn when the rich and noble went into battle because they thought we would protect them from harm , so don 't laugh at her . It felt good , being wanted , and I have to confess I came in danger You don 't like being reminded of your past - those days of glory when Britain ruled half the world . I think that 's why you apologise so much , and give more than you can afford to charities trying to save the poor and starving around the globe . It 's almost as though you 're trying to make up for all the wrongs done before you were born . And I 've tried to avoid talking about it in case you ran away - I get lonely sometimes and it 's nice having someone to talk to . But you can 't run forever , things have to be faced eventually . Some of you may already know and may already be trying to shut out the sound of my words by turning your thoughts to the plans you 've made for the weekend , but there 'll be a lot of you who don 't . There are lots of happy anecdotes from my owners ' lives I could have told you but this is the one you need to hear : My story . We are not like your kind , but there is one thing we have in common : just as you can 't remember coming out of the womb , we don 't know what it was like being a grain of sand or piece of shell squeezing our way inside an oyster and hardening ; all I remember is being . There were no thoughts , for when you live inside a shell there isn 't a great deal to think about - nothing happens . That probably sounds dull to you but there was no sadness , no pain or death . It was peaceful , just being . I didn 't know this at the time but even nothing has to come to an end eventually : the day would always have come when I would be found . It will be hard for you to understand what it was like being taken out of water , hearing sounds , seeing colours and light - all for the first time . On paper it sounds great , this explosion of life , but the reality was frightening - and even fear was something I had never heard of or felt before . Maybe that 's why your newborns usually cry when they come out , because they 're scared and want to go back . I 'm trying to think of ways to describe how it was to you , and the only way I can think of is for you to imagine an ancient Egyptian being placed in the middle of a supermarket . That might give you a better idea , but even that doesn 't come close . I 've learnt a lot since then - ( I 've had to , I didn 't have any other choice - ) but there 's one thing I 've never been able to get my head around , and that is time . Your lives are ruled by clocks and diaries telling you when deadlines or birthdays are due , but when you have so much time whole years , even decades can pass you by . Forgive me then , if I am a little hazy on dates . What I can tell you is that I was brought to the surface in the late 1800s , which makes me special . There aren 't many of us that come from nature now . Most are made by man in bulk on farms . Things changed . You suddenly became concerned about human life and diving equipment got better . Both meant that the world 's poor no were no longer forced to hold their breaths for comments » I knew that someone important was going to walk into my life at 12 : 15 , just after I normally drink tea and prepare for an slow day working on the horoscope . Now , maybe you might not believe me . After all , I am a professional charlatan . But I knew something was up , because for the last two weeks every prediction I have made actually worked out . It started when I saw Mrs Henderson . She was a fat woman , an unpleasant woman , a great client . Like most people who wanted a reading , she didn 't want the truth . And normally I didn 't give it to her . I pulled out the equipment . It was a plain set . It looked like bone china , but was made in china for a very low price . Mrs Henderson looked impressed anyway . She had a lot of money , and not a lot of sense . Anyway , I started reading the information contained in the tea leafs . And then the world went blank . When I returned to the world , Mrs Henderson was gone . I walked out of the shop I had rented , and another of the shopkeepers came up to me . He was normally an quiet , amicable chap . This time he looked like he wanted to throttle me . " She came out of here . Howling and crying , like you 'd tried to kill her . " he put his face up to mine , " You ever do it again and I 'll . . " " I don 't know what you 're talking about , " and I backed away from him . He stalked off . I walked back to my shop , ready to wait for my next appointment . Mrs Abbot didn 't come . She left a nervous message on my answer phone . At the time I didn 't realise why . Because I had no other clients for the day , I went home . My mouth opened wide . It was such a shock , it seemed like I 'd just been told I was about to die . And then . Then I was in my bed , looking at the ceiling . The police officers had gone . But it felt more real than a dream . It must have been a dream . Yeah , that was what it was , I convinced myself . Although I should have known better . In Ireland you can make a full time living as a psychic . less so in England . The English wouldn 't even pay you if you could predict the lottery . So I also work as a pitchman . Which , if you think about it , is just another way to make a dishonest buck . I walked to the nearest boot sale , and set up . It isn 't too crowded in the morning . And everyone is busy . So I crawl in through the hedge . They don 't know that I 'm there against the rules . I set up . My table is old fashioned . A suitcase with legs you fold out . Like the true pitchmen of the 50 's . My pitch is the worm . They wiggle around my hand , like they are alive . The fools in the crowd gave me money . That is what they are for . She had the longest blondest hair this side of fairyland , and her smile lights up the room like a flashlight . And I knew I am meant to talk to her . Just now . She walked off . I had the sense she is in trouble . She was poorer than she used to be , her clothes were expensive , but last years fashion . I had a feeling I will meet her again . When I got there , there was Mrs Henderson and her husband . Their eyes were red . They had been crying . I couldn 't understand what they were there for . I managed to get them to leave . At first I thought that the gossip would help me . But the truth is , no one wants to go to a psychic that tells them the truth . Life is hard enough . You go to a psychic to hear lies . I made some money as a pitchman , so it didn 't affect me too much . But I kept on having bad dreams . I kept on seeing people I knew in them . Not just that , I saw how they died . Their pain . And I started to write down what I saw . In a book by my bedside cabinet . The extra time I had meant I was drinking more too . It was like I 'd been cursed . But the worst was the Christians . They decided that these dreams were inspired by Satan . They set up the picket line in front of my office . I started to think I should simply leave . On Wednesday , the cleaner came in . She was a nosy parker . And no mistake . Her husband had died a few years back , and she was interested in everything . While it 's not the way she put it , she was very interested in the diary . All the details of the different murders and deaths I 'd seen . All the factual details that no one else other than the murderer could know . She took it to the police , and they read it , and they got their warrant . I arrived back at the normal time , and nothing was different . The book was there . I didn 't notice the surveillance cameras . Not at all . They broke in that night . It wasn 't a dream . And I looked up to them bleary eyed , a gun pointing in my face , and swore . They dragged me towards the back of the car , and I noticed someone had decided to give the press warning . So it was very public . Once in , they took me right there . And kitted me out in fetching jail clothing , since I was still in pyjamas . This was the first time I was in jail , and I can tell you it is not as bad as some people say . There is an odd vinegar smell , hiding other bodily fluids . And it is never quiet . There is always shouting going on , and doors slammed . But it was no worse than some hotels I 've been in while performing . I looked across at my lawyer . Short , thin , balding and bored . The police officer had my diary in front of him . He picked it up . " In it , you 've got the details of dozens of murders . Information the police hasn 't released to the public . Information . . . dare I say it , in some cases that the police didn 't even know themselves . " And that was it . That was the full content of the interview . I was hustled off into the cell , and ended up waiting for days . In telephone conversations with friends , I knew the police were digging up my life . I was given a notebook , and a pen , and I continued to write down my dreams . I thought I might as well . The police would search my cell every now and again , and confiscate them . They even moved me to solitary . Made sure no one could be feeding me this information . Or , presumably , that I wasn 't ordering the killings . But the dreams continued . They were getting worse and worse . Every morning I woke up feeling like I had not slept . I guess at least things looked up , because they took me from prison . They drove me along country lanes , towards a building . I can 't tell you precisely where it was . It just looked like an old school to be honest . You 'd never have guessed it was an intelligence headquarters . They bundled me out into an empty building . You 've heard of the secret prisons . Well , they are true . They dressed me up in a uniform , tagged my ankle , and locked me in a cage . The only thing they gave me was some paper and a pen to write down my dreams . Sometimes people came to research me . They put me in scanners , and gave me all kinds of medical tests . The results were unsurprising . I was just a normal , healthy individual . And that was how it seemed I was destined to live for the rest of my life . Until I started to hear the voices . They were low . Just like someone was talking in the next room . Distant . And I couldn 't make them out . That night I was tossing and turning , and I heard someone shout out my name . I woke up . No one was there . Then I tried to get asleep again , and managed it . But the voice was insistent . Nothing answered me . The guards walked past my cell . But with the dreams and the voices , I was getting no sleep . It started to affect me so badly I would not even eat food . Within a few days I was exhausted . Mentally and physically drained . And I guess that is what the creatures wanted . Because soon they broke through . It 's hard to tell you how it felt . But if you have ever had a moment of shock , when you suddenly feel like you aren 't there , you 'll know . He said his name . And then the voice faded away . But I knew I had to do precisely what he told me . I 'd go mad otherwise . Maybe I was already mad . The opportunity came sooner than I expected . My handlers were getting anxious . I was producing less predictions than normal , and the federal conviction rate was plummeting through the floor . The handlers looked like model citizens . Dark suits , a man and a woman dressed formally , like they were lawyers . They flashed their badge to me . I don 't know why , the fact I was in a prison gave them away . The police officer fell back . You could see him working it through in his mind . Despite the success of my predictions , he settled on the conclusion I was mad . After all , psychic phenomena were impossible . He 'd read that once . I shook my head . But that night , I was thinking about it , and decided that I had to ask . Had to have a conversation , if only for my sanity . When the voices started up , I leaned forward in my bed . I asked the question again . But he would say nothing of use to me . he would only repeatedly ask me to find his killers . Not very useful . Eventually , I managed to coax his name from him . Nigel . Not a very good name for a joke . That was the strange thing . No murder victims of that name came up . Not any time soon . But a week later , a Nigel disappeared . And I realised the truth . I looked through the court reports . He had been killed by stabbing . They wouldn 't let me out of the jail . So all I could do was read the files they brought on him . And I got the feeling that many of the details had been redacted . it was like looking for a haystack in an elephant : messy and not very satisfactory . There were only two people I decided who could have done it . They both had a great deal to gain . At the end of the day , though , there is a limit to what you can do from inside a jail cell . The guards looked sceptically at me when I asked for it . But I was responsible for half the murder arrests in the district for the last six months . So they eventually gave me what I wanted . Especially when I refused to furnish them with any more information . I don 't know if you have ever been to a proper séance . Well , to be honest , most of the time the knocks are from the medium . But this time it was different . Within moments of the séance starting , I was aware that the room was colder . Then the entire board lifted off the table , and flew towards me . It hit the wall a few inches from my face . The room warmed up again . The presence was gone . For a little while . " I didn 't " I replied . I knew that he didn 't believe me . But he would have to show more senior people . And I knew they couldn 't afford to risk me . I went back to bed . For the first time in weeks , I had no bad dreams . I guess Nigel knew I understood his message . I slept very soundly . Until the next morning . But my guards didn 't really understand . Or they did not want to understand . My handler met me in the interview room the next morning . He looked tired . Besides him sat a man I hadn 't seen before . He wore the cleanest , most expensive suit I had seen during my stay at the states pleasure . The man stood up . He walked out of the room . Measured , and without menace . But he didn 't seem to be a man used to dealing with no . My handler shook his head . He didn 't need to tell me the consequences . All of a sudden , I was put on suicide watch . Woken up every thirty minutes to see if I wasn 't dead yet . The heating in my cell surprisingly broke . I knew I was in their hands totally . But I never realised what it was like to displease them . You see , Nigel might be a ghost , but that doesn 't mean he is stupid . He can see what is happening . He knows they are stopping me doing what he wants . And this gets him angry . They first times he acted , it looked like coincidence . The guards chair would tilt under him , depositing him on the floor . Or cups of coffee were not placed firmly enough on the table . The guards were spooked by me . They knew that I was able to see things they could not . But although the guards face became pale , his hand on the trigger was steady and firm . It was too late . The chair slammed into the guard . He dropped to the floor . Then I saw the guards keys float from his pocket . My cell door was unlocked . I walked over to the guard , stripped his clothes off , and changed into his uniform . I thought I didn 't have much of a choice . If I didn 't do what Nigel wanted he would kill me . Every door I came to slid open without me doing anything . It would have been creepy if I didn 't know what was happening . Soon the alarms started to ring out . People would be grabbing their guns , getting ready to shoot me . I could feel my heart trying to escape from my chest . I soon arrived at fire exit . It opened in front of me . I climbed down some steps . Below me , I could see coppers swarming . I continued to walk down . One of the coppers recognised me . I ran in the opposite direction . He took aim , and I could hear the gun explode behind me . But the bullet didn 't pierce my skin like I expected . Instead , it ended in the ground . I reached a police car , and the engine came on without anyone doing anything . Then I went into a store and bought black trousers and a white shirt . Got changed . And walked out of the shopping centre , expecting to be caught at any time . In my pocket there was five hundred dollars . That was all I had in the world , except for an insane ghost . I decided it was time to go to the library . After chatting to the librarian for a few seconds , she walked me over to a computer which had copies of the local papers for the last twenty years . I typed a search . At first I found nothing , but as I expanded the search back I found him . According to the interview , he was found murdered in his bed . He had been asleep . His wife had been charged and convicted of his murder . But she said she was innocent . Nothing came in response . I knew that would happen . It was too much to hope for . It was getting late at night . The librarian was fussing near me . It was time to go . When you are a fugitive , it isn 't as simple to find a place to stay as booking a room in a hotel . I walked round , looking for an empty house . It took me an hour . Occasionally a police car would go past . It made me nervous . At one time it would have been a posh bungalow . But whoever had owned it had been taken to a care home , and it was covered in weeds and neglect . I walked up to the door , and it swings open . That is one of the advantages of your own private poltergeist . Inside it was a mess . But dry and water proof . There was a wood burning stove in one room . The power was off , and Nigel didn 't turn it on . But the water was only off at the mains . It was easy enough to get it working again . In the morning I would have to start the process of searching for Nigel Slater . I knew roughly where he lived . I fell asleep , and woke up hungry and cramped . Outside , I could hear rustling . I peeked through the window , and could see a man dressed only in black . He looked like he was not very friendly . I ducked down , but he must have seen me . He edged towards the door . It was locked , but he slammed it open . I hid behind the sofa . it didn 't help . He walked towards me . I noticed he had a poker in his hand . There was no way he wouldn 't find me . I stood up . I looked over at him . He had a long scar down his face . it seemed like he was used to trouble . And he was straining to start a fight . I did what he said . He followed me . I thought he might hit me at any second . or recognise me . They must have put my picture out into the news by now . I sighed with relief , but knew that my location might be passed onto the police . I decided it was time to get out of the town . I caught a bus , and tried to hide my face . Since I hadn 't had a bath for a few days it was easier than you might think . People did not want to look me in the eyes . I arrived at Nigel 's house six hours latter . It was a solemn house . A plane front garden laid to grass , brick frontage , and white windows . It didn 't look like anyone had ever cared for it . It looked like it was a place to sleep and not to stay . It took me a few minutes to settle down , and watch the street . There was nothing extraordinary about it . A few people walked past , taking little interest in the stranger . After watching for half an hour , I knew there was little information here for me . Talking round the local shops I found out that Nigel had been a quiet man . Few people knew him , past his saying hello . he didn 't seem to have been involved in anything wrong . or indeed in anything at all . I decided that there could only really have been one source of trouble . He must have found out something at work . Something that made him worth more to someone dead than alive . I got some annual reports from his company and studied them . Amazing what is available on the internet these days . There was little of interest . I applied to work at Nigel 's company as a cleaner . it was a big risk . I supplied false references , and knew they would not check them for months . That 's the thing about cleaners . No one takes any notice . So I got the job , and examined the work place thoroughly . It looked like an office . The computers were always on . Once or twice I looked over the shoulder of someone working but it was all gobbledygook to me . To make it worse , I saw my face on the newspaper when I went for food . Sure , I looked a lot different now . I had grown longer hair , a beard , and was thinner . But it was still me . I grew suspicious of other people . Then came my big break . Several people were working in the office late . I overhead them speaking about a billion dollar deal . The company was getting bought out . I checked the internet , and there was something in the trade section . The routine was the same every day . But one of my colleagues had not turned up to work . So I was asked to clean the main office . I did so . But I did more than that , I broke into the file cabinets , and started reading company secrets . But that didn 't save me for long . The next day I arrived at work a few minutes earlier . Something told me that things were wrong . The security guard on the gate was new . He told me to go out to the bosses office . I walked into a small lab , and looked around . There was a window , and I tried to open it . In the distance I could see five police cars . The window wouldn 't open . There was only one way out . And I knew that by now , there would be police officers between me and the door . I looked round to find a chair . Then used it to break the window . The alarm went , and I slid through the empty hole . But I caught my shoulder on a shard of glass . I was bleeding . The police gave up their pretence . Dozens of sirens started up , heading towards the building . I ran through a green space . I knew that there was only one way out of the compound except the front gate . A hole in the fence I had noticed a few days earlier . But over head their was a helicopter . Although I ran like the wind , it wasn 't enough . I could hear the police men getting closer and closer . I turned around and saw two police officers . They both had guns pointed at me . I raised my hands , and they soon had me on the ground . I arrived at my destination a few hours latter . This time they were taking no chances . I arrived at a super maximum prison . Surrounded by barbed wire , dogs , and armed police officers it was obvious I 'd never get out . The next day the interrogation began . Again and Again . Asking me where I had gone . What I had done . I eventually broke down and told them everything . But that didn 't stop them continuing . Maybe what they were doing was no crime . But it was a form of torture . Eventually , the interrogations stopped . They gave me paper . They wanted to go back to how it used to be . But by that time I had got so angry , even when I did have a dream I kept it to myself . I wasn 't there . So all I can do is repeat the report that was made to me . No guarantee it is what happened . Apparently the director of the FBI had been having an extramarital affair . He was in bed that normal , and engaging in exercise at the same time . This was not expected , but what was even more unexpected was the windows opening wide . And the explosions of a gun . The director of the FBI 's gun . But I do know that it made the national news . The assistant director of the FBI resigned . And , to be frank , most of the people in the FBI did not care much about that . But it was fair warning . He didn 't seem to be exactly happy about what had happened . In fact , he stormed in to the visiting room , and let loose a barrage of swear words . I sat there passively , listening to him . When he calmed down sufficiently , he sat down . " Nigel was right . All he wants is his murderer found . But he isn 't going to stop . Not until that is done . Not even if he has to kill someone else to do it . " " No . I am not . Nigel is a threat to you . If you stand in the way , that is . He is a ghost . What can you do to get rid of him ? " The director of the FBI thought for a few seconds . An hour latter , a priest turned up with bell , book and candle . it didn 't work spectacularly . The power went off , the candle blew out , the bell rang , and the book was thrown across the room . The director gestured to the mirror and two toughs walked in . They carried some rope . They tied me to the chair , and lifted a cosh over their heads . Then all hell broke lose . The cosh swung back by itself . it raised into the air , and came down , laying out one of the thugs . The other caught me a glancing blow , but something unseen lifted him from the floor and threw him against the wall . " You have a choice . Director . Help find Nigel 's killer . Or , I think , Nigel will chase you down and gut you like a fish . " Eventually the Director settled down again . He sat in his chair , silently looking at me . I wasn 't a pretty picture . Thin , and in prison coveralls . I must have looked like a real criminal . They let me go that afternoon . Put me in a suit , and told me I was seconded to the FBI . I was even given my own agent . He was tall , thin , and looked every inch the government man . The agent shook his head . He gave nothing away . That was when I knew he wasn 't sent to help me . Just to keep an eye out on me . Nevertheless , I decided that I could use him . Like he wanted to use me . I looked over to him , and told him to get a warrant . We were going to search Nigel 's company . And read every damn bit of paper they had about Sigma . When we arrived at the door , they had their lawyer sorted out already . Someone must have leaked it . He looked like he had cost a lot of money . " I 'm afraid we have the right not to incriminate ourselves . We are asserting that right . Both as a company , and as individuals . So , no , you can ask any questions but we will not answer them . " I was surprised when I found the clue . It was something no one else would have noticed . A single envelope in the bin . It contained an address . I think Nigel must have been helping me . I was drawn to it . But the thing I noticed was the fact the address had a Sigma stamp . Once we were out of the building , I decided to break away from the FBI agent . I knew some things would work better on my own . it was easier said than done . When I tried to go for a walk that night , he insisted on staying right by me . Getting to the address was difficult . I didn 't have a car , I had to take the bus . Most of the journey there wasn 't even that . And it had began to rain . I must have looked odd , walking around town that late at night , soaked . In fact , I surprised no copper stopped me . " Good enough , " I said . Knowing I was lying as I said it . It wasn 't like it was my strong point . The expression on the coppers face showed he thought not either . He stood there behind me his mouth opened , as I shimmied the lock . it opened . I walked in . This was a mistake , I didn 't notice the small CCTV camera , the camera that was hidden in a plug socket . But it was sending my picture right up to the security office . I worked quickly , going up the stairs to the office . I don 't know what I had expected to see . But what I did see looked just like any other office . Even down to the half drunk cup of coffee . I woke up in the boot of a car . I could feel the engine running , and smell burning petrol . It was pick black . The car started off , bumping along the ground . Hitting me from side to side . My hands were tied behind my back . It was lucky I knew a little magic . I got the knot loose without much effort . Then I grovelled around the car to find something , anything that could help me . There was a wrench , which I picked up . I put the rope around my wrists , hiding the fact I was loose . And put the wrench in my pocket . The boot of the car swung open . One of the security guards lifted me out of the boot . He was covered in muscle . My mouth opened wide . That was the last thing I expected to hear . They marched me along the ground and I saw him for the first time . Nigel . Alive . Then the room went strange . Something turned the lights off , and opened the windows . It even raised a chair off the ground . The security guard looked worried for the first time . " For the last month , I have been searching for the person who killed Nigel Slater . You , sir , are Nigel Slater . But it seems your ghost hasn 't got the information you are alive . " But it didn 't work . By the time that the ambulance arrived , Nigel was in a deep coma . It took only a short time after that until the first homicide detective got there . But the truth is , it was fate . No ones fault . Except the murderer . After all , how can Nigel Slater 's ghost come into my dreams unless he is actually killed ? What happened next surprised me . The cops arrested me . Told me I was being held on suspicion of murder . I told them not to be idiots , but they wrote it in their notebooks and not their minds . By that point the clues would be getting stale , so I drove right to the company . But they wouldn 't let me in . it was a police investigation , they said . No dice . I called the FBI agent and asked him to run the full scan on Slater . By the time he had finished I would know every single family member . And all I had to do was interview them . The only clue left to me was Sigma . The company was closed for a few hours , but the managing director wasn 't . Again the FBI came to my rescue . They had the address , and I wasn 't afraid to use it . We walked up the garden path . It wasn 't the most luxurious house that a managing director had ever lived at . But I knocked on the door anyway . I walked in . Behold , the group was all there . The director of the FBI himself . The attorney general . And a four star general . I could feel the back of my assistant straightening up . The Managing Director pressed a button on the TV . It switched on . Nigel Slater 's office . I saw him pick up his glass . Put the chemicals in it . The MD fast forwarded . Nigel killed himself . " Oil . We got him to produce computer models . All the oil reserves . He was so great . . . well , he could produce a program that told us exactly where oil was , just from satellite images . " Just at that moment a dozen armed guards came into the room . Their guns were pointed right at me . I raised my hands , and was soon plunged into the carpet . They searched me . Didn 't find anything interesting . " Yeah . But I don 't think you did it . I don 't think you were that smart . But I don 't know what this being who calls himself Nigel Slater is , " I didn 't struggle . By now , them putting handcuffs on me was almost routine . I just wish I had been able to continue my life as a charlatan . I didn 't know what to say to that . it was true . it was obvious when you think about it . Nigel had told me he was murdered when he was still alive . but no one ever said the soul was bound to the arrow of time . Within a few minutes we had picked up an escort . From what I could tell , they had closed the road down . Only we were travelling that evening . I gulped . It looked like things were just about to head for the worse . The trip to the Whitehouse was the most fraught I had experienced in my life . The director of the FBI was reading faxes and emails in the car . His face was getting more and more pale . " I guess like the English did in WWII . With disinformation . We need to get an Chinese agent and feed him bad info . And I guess Nigel might be your best hope for that . " I guess the FBI director caught on quickly . Because he could go anywhere , Nigel could listen to the Chinese chatter . He could find Chinese agents . Maybe he didn 't know Chinese , but he knew enough to listen in to the English language conversations . It wasn 't a new concept . The CIA had investigated it in the sixties . But they didn 't have a real life ghost , so their experiments failed . This time we had a real ghost . I asked them to pick out the Ouija board again . The séance room was a sight you had never seen in your life . The president and the director of the FBI holding hands , in a dark room . The president of the united states shook his head . You could tell he couldn 't believe what he was seeing . He got up from his seat , and you could almost hear his bones cracking . Over in the corner of the room I could see a computer with satellite images . I could watch the Chinese fleet mobilising in real time . The number of dots that represented aircraft carriers alone was scary . " It will only be a few days before we have to mobilise our own navy . " The wait was excruciating . But suddenly five hours latter , the board started spelling out a name . The FBI director went to work . Within minutes they had the file out . He didn 't look like what you would expect of a Chinese agent . He had long , blonde hair , was dressed in a respectable suit , and had a respectable job . He worked in the old navy base . His job was to work on the files , reading sensitive military information . Including information about resource allocation . Once they checked his bank account the truth became obvious . The FBI director stood up , and paced down the long thin corridor . Then he arrived back in the meeting room with a young woman . She was dressed in military uniform . He explained the plan . It was simple . The Chinese agent needed to think it had all been a hoax . But for that to work , he would have to eat a pack of lies . I wasn 't there , so I can report only what I have been told . The female agent I had been introduced to worked in the old navy headquarters . She worked in the files there . It is a room full of top secret papers . Room might be the wrong word ; it was the size of an aircraft hanger . She worked there , and had spent months being bored . So naturally , she had struck up a conversation with the handsome blonde military attaché . And , the conversation was reciprocated . The director of the FBI looked at her . She didn 't look like much to put the freedom of the world onto . But she was eager . And after being told what to do , she didn 't complain . She saluted . I stood at the back of the room , watching the Director of the FBI feeling out the officer , and knew I would have to talk to Nigel alone . I didn 't trust her . She looked too good to be true with her starched uniform and willing smile . The new agent went into a staff car , to be driven to the headquarters . She looked very lonely in the back of the car . Meanwhile , we walked to the operations room . There was a banks of monitors the length of the room . We could see satellite images of the build up of the Chinese fleet , as well as real time updates of our spies . I nodded . Then looked back over to the screens . I could see our agent depositing the papers in her draw . She phoned up the Chinese agent , and set up dinner . It looked like a glorious feast . Roast duck , with all the trimmings . The doorbell went . She walked over to it , and opened it . She said something , and the Chinese agent walked into the room . After ten minutes of conversation , she walked away . To go to the toilet . He walked over to the draws , and started rummaging . After a few minutes he found the file our agent had left . He took out the smallest camera you have ever seen , and clicked the image . After that , he put the files away . After he left , the confirmation came thick and fast . The Chinese fleet disbanded . It was amazing to see , but they split up within a matter of hours . Soon the sea around Taiwan was empty except for commercial shipping . I guess that if this had been a story that would be it . I would have been given a party , a celebration , and been allowed to leave . After all , I had saved the day . Well , Nigel did leave . I haven 't heard from him since . After they had finished celebrating , a guard collected me , and drove me in a prison van to here . It is a cold concrete cell . I am allowed a TV , and to write carefully vetted letters . I 'm not sure how I will post this , my story . Maybe I will write it under the postage stamp . I guess for an old crook like me , it is fair . But I wish I had been sent to jail for something I did . And not for some trumped up terrorist charge . Currently we only offer payment for one story selected as the feature story in the monthly pdf magazine only . The successful author will be contacted to organise payment via paypal for a $ 5AUD payment . 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The ship swayed and creaked . He feels every bit of it in his body . Taking no chances the crew , damnedable pirates , have chained him with no give . Legs bound in a kneeling position , arms chained to either wall crucifying him to the ship like a perverse figurehead , he 's been their captive long enough to have forgotten the feel of kindness . It is a small blessing that their fear of him keeps his gag in place at all times . It keeps them from coming anywhere near him . The captain learned a long time ago that he gleans all he needs to live from the moisture in the air , the brine in his eyes . During storms , when he is strongest , the captain posts guards with him . They don 't look at him . A terrible hope fills him today . By the movement of the ship and the crew 's curses , he knows that they 're being pursued by another ship . This ship is a runner , fast . There 'd be little concern of capture if the ship did not gain its quickness from being light , gain its lightness from having little room for armaments or supplies . The pursuers have had them going for a week now and they 'd been out of port for at least a month . He knows from the panic in the crew that the food is all but gone . Soon they 'll be too weak to load what small guns are aboard . He 'd be surprised if they could remember how to sight the cannons it 's been so long since the captain has ordered them used . His hope stems from the pirates ' desperation . If they succumb to practicality then they 'll come for him . With frightened hearts and shaking hands , they 'll undo his chains and he 'll get to spend some time under the sky instead of under foot . So he waits for their desperation to bloom practicality . It does not take long . The first mate comes with three guards and the keys . It is always the first mate that comes to get him . The captain coming himself would make him a person that the captain fears , he wouldn 't last long once that got out among the crew . The first mate is the only one he trusts with the keys to his chains . " The captain wants to see you . " He speaks with a unique accent that comes with the ship 's pidgin of French , Spanish , and Greek . His ears hear the gibberish , but his mind provides him with the meaning . Slowly , they unchain his arms from the ship and secure them behind his back . The guards are afraid to touch him , unsure whether he 'll break or they 'll be infected with something . It strikes him as odd how religious some of these men are . Coming onto the deck , sea spray hits him in the face , covers his bare chest . He instantly feels more alive . He stands taller , muscles flex , the chains bite into his skin . They take him to the captain , standing at the aft of the ship . He stands beside the captain looking out at the wide ocean , the only thing marring their perfect view of the horizon the pursuers . The first mate and guards fold themselves into the three other men standing around them . The captain just stands there for a few minutes , ignoring him . This too is done to show the crew he will do this in his own time , to show that the man he keeps below decks does not frighten him . Around the gag , behind the locked mouth plate , he smiles . Only he and the captain know what he is , and he knows that the captain is frightened of that . " I have use of you . " From under his coat he draws out the key that only he is allowed to keep . He inserts into lock for the face plate . " If you hurt this ship my men will stab you and you will die before you can swim for freedom . Like always , yeah ? " He nods . It 's always the same threat . It vaguely occurs to him that this is only a half life . But then , the spirits would kill for half a life . The plate falls away and he spits the wooden wedge from his mouth . His tongue sticks out , tasting the salt in the air . He flexes his jaw , taking in the blue sky , the white clouds , the gentle waves . He smiles at the captain . Other than the crew 's swords there is very little compelling him . Finally , the captain 's annoyance at the delay shows on his face . He focuses on ship on the horizon . He tries not to think of the men on the ship . He knows he will have to answer for his actions one day , but he 's trying to postpone that day for as long as possible . " I 'm fine . Sorry . " The cabby 's eyes dart from the road to the rearview mirror and back . " I 'm good . I 'm okay . " The cabby 's eyes return to the road and stay there , Lawrence was prepared to keep reassuring him for the rest of the drive as long as he didn 't take his eyes off the road . " That jetlag 's a bitch , isn 't it ? " " Yeah , jetlag . " He doesn 't really feel like talking so he looks out the window . What he sees unsettles him so much that he almost closes his eyes again . Outside the cab desert stretched on for miles . When he 'd met the cabby at the airport he 'd been fine . They 'd been in the middle of a city . He preferred the buildings and people to the endless dry expanse . He tried to think of it as a sea of earth but it just made him queasy . He can 't help it , he closes his eyes . " We 're almost there , " the cabby rouses him . " If I 'd of known I wouldn 't have let you sleep at all . You wouldn 't believe how many people fall asleep in my cab from the airport . " The cabby keeps up a steady stream of chitchat for the next few minutes . Lawrence doesn 't say much , but he 's glad for the distraction . " Here we go , buddy . " He pulls up in front of an independent diner . Lawrence can tell the sign was made with care when it was painted , years in the desert sun has faded it badly . " They got good food here ? " " I don 't know . This is my first time here . " He pays the fare and steps out of the air - conditioned interior . His lips are immediately dry and cracked . The heat cuts him to the core as fast as it dried his lips , the urge to speak rises in him . He needs to escape this heat , he 's drowning in dryness . He rushes inside hoping that they 'll have air - conditioning . No such luck . The interior of the restaurant is as faded as the exterior . He seats himself , impatiently tapping his foot waiting for the waitress . He can hear the sound of the wind . Not the dry , lifeless wind of the desert , but the damp , alive wind of the storm . It 's calling to him , begging him to call out . He licks his lips with a tongue he can barely feel . He can 't help himself , the desert is antithesis for him . Why had he decided to come here ? To satisfy some adolescent curiosity ? He takes one long , shuttering breath . " The special , two of them , just bring me a pitcher of water . " His throat feels so dry . He has to speak now before he loses his chance . " Hmph ! " With blurry vision he watches her flounce back to the kitchen . He grabs the edge of the table to steady himself . He 's clenching his jaw by the time she comes back with a glass for him . He swallows half of it . The cool liquid fills him , calming him . Vision clears , hands stop shaking , the urge lessening . The torrent of wind in his ears shifts to a gentle breeze . How close had he come ? The waitress turns to leave again , he grabs her arm . " Can I get you anything else ? " She says it in such a way that makes Lawrence wonder if it 's actually a question . She tired of him he can tell . She 's too used to bullying the locals . He doesn 't trying to be nice to her , he just takes out a fifty and lays it on the table . " This is your tip if you keep bringing me pitchers of water . " Her eyes gleam slightly as she stares at the bill on the table . Slowly she puts the pitcher on the table . " Thank you . " He drains the rest of his glass and pours another . He finishes this one in three huge gulps . He doesn 't feel as trapped now , his breathing has evened out . He fills the glass a third time , finishing off the pitcher , but only sips this one . A couple minutes pass , the waitress brings his two specials and another pitcher . Lawrence only picks at his food . Between the desert and the age of the equipment in the diner the food is completely dry . Mainly he just cuts up the food and moves it around on his plate . Mainly he watches the people in the restaurant . He immediately discounts his waitress . Seeing her move around the diner , speaking with her , she 's spent most of her life trying to get away from this place . It 's a pity that she 'd never really feel like she belongs anywhere . An old man sits in another booth . He is weathered , his countenance telling the story of a life in the desert . Despite the heat of the day he 's drinking coffee . Lawrence would have considered him a likely candidate if his research didn 't tell him he is looking for someone younger . Besides the old man doesn 't look like he belongs here , only that he 's gotten used to living here . It 's an old style diner setup , so Lawrence can see the cook behind the half wall separating the kitchen from the dining area . Cook would be a wonderful job for who he 's looking for . The heat rising from the stove providing a fix for the cravings while at work . Though nothing compared to the natural heat of the desert it would do while at work . Unfortunately the cook is wearing a sleeveless shirt that 's plastered to his body with sweat . Lawrence 's heart falls . He 's not close enough to the cook to pick up a flow from him , but the fact that he 's sweating tells him all he needs to know . It 's possible his sources were wrong . It 's not easy to track a Bearer . The burden / gift they bear making it too hard to get a fix on them . He 's about to get up , throwing the contents of his glass down his throat , when the kitchen door swings open and a young man steps through . Lawrence puts his cup down and watches him . Something in the way he moves is different . Somehow his movements come off as light , almost bouncy . Even just clearing dishes from tables , his movements are quick , precise . He wears a t - shirt , jeans , and boots , all are cheap , but he still has an air of status . Lawrence notes that he 's not sweating . He looks up , checking for more stray dishes . Lawrence motions him over . " You finished with this , mister ? " Lawrence inhales and catches the scent of aged stone . " Sorry , mister , I 'm just here for the dishes . You 'll want to try Craiper St . around ten tonight . " He grabs a plate , Lawrence grabs his wrist . Sun … Heat … Dry … Sand … Lawrence pulls his hand away , palm red . Perspiration stands out on the young man 's brow now , fear in his eyes . He slides into the booth across from Lawrence . Lawrence pours another glass of water and waits for the boy to say something . " I 'm on break ! " She throws up her hands and goes back into the kitchen . Tito smiles at Lawrence . " Let 's go outside . " Lawrence downs his water and follows him out and around the diner . " I 'm Benjamin Fuller , but everyone calls me , Tito . Now who the hell are you ? " It 's a fair question . If he doesn 't know what he is then he 's probably really freaked out . Lawrence can 't blame him , he 's been there . " Ha , not likely , man . " Tito looks skeptical , very skeptical . There 's at least fifteen years between them . And while Tito isn 't a full blooded Mexican , Lawrence can tell at least one of his parents is , while Lawrence couldn 't be more white without being an albino . It 's hard to believe . " I don 't mean biologically . I mean spiritually . " Tito 's face is instantly serious . " You can feel it , can 't you ? That subtle , tickling at the back of your brain that makes you feel like you know me , even while at your core I unsettle you . " " Yes . " Tito looks so relieved that it breaks Lawrence 's heart . He knows what it 's like to finally have this explained . Lawrence had spent three years in a mental hospital trying to deal by himself . Tito is a strong young man . " Where is there open desert ? " Tito points down an alley . Lawrence starts walking , Tito doesn 't need to be told to follow , he falls into step next to Lawrence careful not to touch him . They come out the other end of the alley seeing open land . For Lawrence it 's as close to nothing as he ever wants to get . Longing fills Tito 's eyes . " I want to share something with you . Watch out there . " Lawrence takes a deep breath and centers himself . The urge to speak has been growing since they stepped out of the diner , the dryness creeping in to all his dark places . Tito 's hands fly up to cover his ears . " Ah ! What the hell ? " FLASH ! BOOM ! The thunder cuts off any further curses . Tito 's gaze is drawn out to the desert , where black storm clouds have formed out of nowhere . The fear is back in his eyes , he retreats till his back hits the wall to the building . " What have you done ? " " I spoke my Word . We 're Word Bearers , Tito . You have your own . Can you feel it ? Deep in core . " Lawrence can see he 's confused . He 's frightened , overwhelmed . FLASHBOOM ! " You can stop this , Tito . Go ahead . Say your Word . I want to hear it . " " I don 't … I 'm not sure . " Confusion and fear war on Tito 's face . Lawrence hopes he won 't run . He didn 't mean to scare the boy . " Of course you 're sure . You 've known it for centuries , you just haven 't spoken it yet . It 's okay . I 'm here with you . " His first step is hesitant , his second is firm , his third is confident . Lawrence realizes he 's holding his breath . Tito looks up at him , he nods . Tito fixes his gaze on the storm . " " There it is . It 's as quiet as Lawrence 's Word is loud , but no less powerful . It 's so beautiful . As Lawrence watches the storm clouds dissipate a tear rolls down his cheek . 2 Dad suffered even from a sight of blood , and he never killed a hen nor slaughtered a pig . But I was aware that once he had donated his blood in the name of my Mum still , because she 'd had a narrow escape on an operating table then . With me a doctor would have my blood tested in a moment : one , two and it 's done . But first they make you ready for rather a time : take a seat , then have a proper finger chosen , though it is always just the one , then they wipe it with spirits until take somewhat sharp like a mini - scalpel . Not everyone can stand the procedure , but I was not against it when a doctor suggested me having my blood tested . She was a likable one , youngish for her age , not married or divorced , probably . And she had no child , I felt it immediately , she had such a look , barren if you want . Possibly for health reasons she could not bear a child or she didn 't find a right man . Or she could have a particular blood group not to have a child with anyone , that 's why she employed at a doctor 's consulting room to make blood tests . And she urged me to have my blood tested . At first I didn 't mind it , the right thing it is , still she didn 't ask my permission . " Just let 's have your blood tested " , she said and left me . She had many things to do I suppose . In doctor 's smocks they walked hither and thither all the time at a clinic there talking over the heads of those waiting , as if one was dead already . And I was still alive and a nurse was preparing to have my blood tested . While she got me ready she was chattering . She said that men were afraid of blood testing nowadays . More and more they refused to do it and ran away sometimes seeing a drop of blood . And one had nothing to fear , there was a couch behind the curtain in a special emergency to lie low , in case one fainted . She pulled the white curtain aside and showed me a couch with dark green leatherette and I shivered all at once : what for they needed my blood ? She suggested me taking off a jacket and rolling up my sleeve , left or right one , I don 't rMy Bio : Mr . Valery Petrovskiy is a journalist and short story writer from Russia . Не is an English Department graduate at Chuvash State University , Cheboksary , graduated in journalism at VKSch Higher School , Moscow and in psychology at Kazan State Technology University . He has been writing prose since 2005 . Some of his writing has been published in The Scrambler , Rusty Typer , BRICKrethoric , NAP Magazine , Literary Burlesque , The Other Room , Curbside Quotidian , DANSE MACABRE , WidowMoon Press , PRIME MINCER , Apocrypha and Abstractions , The Legendary in the USA , and in Australian " Skive " and " Going Down Swinging " magazines . At the moment he is writer - in - residence at Marco Polo Art Mag . It 's dark in here . That 's because I live at the bottom of the jewellery box along with the other outcasts : the tangled necklace with the broken lobster claw and teddy pendant she got for her eleventh birthday , along with the bracelet that 's missing a couple of gem stones . She always says she will have them repaired but never does , preferring to spend the money on more fashionable pieces instead that imitate Asian and Oriental designs . An untrained eye might imagine that they were found by a back - packer on their travels , but they weren 't . They can be bought from any shop on the high - street , and are merely echoes of worlds she 's never seen . Not all of us down here are broken though . I 'm not , and neither is the engagement ring she got from Mark , ( who eventually cheated on her with Shannon from Reception , ) or the belly bar she took out when she put weight on and decided looked too young for her anyway . The ones at the top who get worn more often pity us , ( ' how boring it must be , ' they say to each other in whispers they think we can 't hear , ' being cooped up down there , month in , month out , ' ) but in a way they 're jealous . As I 've said , you could buy them in their hundreds if you wanted to , and they are without sentimental value like the childhood necklace or the belly bar that reminds her of her wild teens and early twenties . They 're easily replaced and she gives them away when they become outdated - or chucks them if even her younger sister and the charity shops say no , thanks . She doesn 't like Mark 's ring or me , so it isn 't often that her fingers dig through the chunky bangles and strings of beads to bring me to the surface . It happens maybe three or four times a year when she has arranged to visit The Matriarch . The ring doesn 't even get a look in . Why Mark wouldn 't let her give it back to him so that he could give it to someone he did love is beyond us ; at least that way it would have been enjoyed . All the same , seeing as I 'm an heirloom and the ring is eighteen carat white goPerhaps you imagine I get bitter when the voices of the favoured ones float above my head , chattering away about their ventures out of the box : days at work , dinners , dates , parties and who was there , who wasn 't there , what she wore … you get the drift . Or worse , maybe you feel sorry for me . I 'd rather you didn 't . Pity the rest but not me . I 'm not so keen on their weight pressing down on me but I don 't mind the dark . In fact I quite like it . It reminds me of home , my real one , from before I met people . As for being bitter , you can rule that out . I 'm a pearl , darling ; it 's not in my nature . You lot have seen me as a symbol of love for thousands of years and I do try to live up to my name by being kind - although I cannot help but wince sometimes at the irony , given that the first person I ever met died . Don 't look at me like that ; it wasn 't my fault . But that 's why she doesn 't like me . All the same , when you 've being kept in a family for over a century you do take an interest in your present owner , even if it 's not reciprocated , so I enjoy listening to the young ones ' gossip . Let them have their fun while they still can . The best they can hope for is a place in a child 's dressing - up box in just a few , short years so they might as well enjoy it . 2 . Memories . I might be old - fashioned and be from a past that she and you would rather forget , but I 'm not like your kind . I will endure and outlive the others , her - even you . And I never forget . My memory doesn 't grow weak with age , it gets stronger . I can still smell what my home was like ; still feel the movements of the person who found me when he panicked and rushed too quickly to the top , and the urgent , grasping hand of the first , but different person to ever touch me , as though I 'd only stopped smelling and feeling them a minute ago . The memories of my owners and the events in their lives play like the films you are so fond of ; the moment when her grandfather proposed to her grandmother , and the christening of her mother , they are a3 . Before she grew up . I suppose you think it strange that her grandmother , ( or The Matriarch as she jokingly calls her , ) skipped a generation and gave me to someone who doesn 't like me , but it never used to be this way . When she was little and used to visit her grandmother she would ask , ( very politely after giving her a peck on the cheek , ) if she could play with her jewellery box . The answer was always yes , and she would very carefully hunt through the diamonds and gold to find me , pin me to her jumper and wear me for the rest of the time she was there . It became something of a ritual , to the point where her grandmother began to pick me out herself and would put me on the coffee table ready for when she arrived . When she was eighteen , The Matriarch had a heart attack , and fearing that she would never leave hospital , insisted on the girl 's mother driving for two hours to get me , so that she could give me to her personally before it was too late . They were very close , and still are in spite of the distance , for she survived against all the odds . Whenever she goes to see her she always comments on how lovely it is , seeing her granddaughter all grown up , wearing her old brooch that 's always been her favourite . And I was for a time . Traditionally I was only worn for a special or significant occasion , but when she was at college I had the strange but enjoyable experience of being put in her pocket and going with her , and if she felt nervous about something her fingers would slide down to stroke me . Normally I hated people manhandling me , but I didn 't mind in her case - it was better than her biting her nails . It was almost as if she thought that having me with her would stop something bad happening - and I have been viewed as ' lucky . ' Stop sniggering , it 's true . In the days of knights and sword - fighting , we would be worn when the rich and noble went into battle because they thought we would protect them from harm , so don 't laugh at her . It felt good , being wanted , and I have to confess I came in danger You don 't like being reminded of your past - those days of glory when Britain ruled half the world . I think that 's why you apologise so much , and give more than you can afford to charities trying to save the poor and starving around the globe . It 's almost as though you 're trying to make up for all the wrongs done before you were born . And I 've tried to avoid talking about it in case you ran away - I get lonely sometimes and it 's nice having someone to talk to . But you can 't run forever , things have to be faced eventually . Some of you may already know and may already be trying to shut out the sound of my words by turning your thoughts to the plans you 've made for the weekend , but there 'll be a lot of you who don 't . There are lots of happy anecdotes from my owners ' lives I could have told you but this is the one you need to hear : My story . We are not like your kind , but there is one thing we have in common : just as you can 't remember coming out of the womb , we don 't know what it was like being a grain of sand or piece of shell squeezing our way inside an oyster and hardening ; all I remember is being . There were no thoughts , for when you live inside a shell there isn 't a great deal to think about - nothing happens . That probably sounds dull to you but there was no sadness , no pain or death . It was peaceful , just being . I didn 't know this at the time but even nothing has to come to an end eventually : the day would always have come when I would be found . It will be hard for you to understand what it was like being taken out of water , hearing sounds , seeing colours and light - all for the first time . On paper it sounds great , this explosion of life , but the reality was frightening - and even fear was something I had never heard of or felt before . Maybe that 's why your newborns usually cry when they come out , because they 're scared and want to go back . I 'm trying to think of ways to describe how it was to you , and the only way I can think of is for you to imagine an ancient Egyptian being placed in the middle of a supermarket . That might give you a better idea , but even that doesn 't come close . I 've learnt a lot since then - ( I 've had to , I didn 't have any other choice - ) but there 's one thing I 've never been able to get my head around , and that is time . Your lives are ruled by clocks and diaries telling you when deadlines or birthdays are due , but when you have so much time whole years , even decades can pass you by . Forgive me then , if I am a little hazy on dates . What I can tell you is that I was brought to the surface in the late 1800s , which makes me special . There aren 't many of us that come from nature now . Most are made by man in bulk on farms . Things changed . You suddenly became concerned about human life and diving equipment got better . Both meant that the world 's poor no were no longer forced to hold their breaths for comments » I knew that someone important was going to walk into my life at 12 : 15 , just after I normally drink tea and prepare for an slow day working on the horoscope . Now , maybe you might not believe me . After all , I am a professional charlatan . But I knew something was up , because for the last two weeks every prediction I have made actually worked out . It started when I saw Mrs Henderson . She was a fat woman , an unpleasant woman , a great client . Like most people who wanted a reading , she didn 't want the truth . And normally I didn 't give it to her . I pulled out the equipment . It was a plain set . It looked like bone china , but was made in china for a very low price . Mrs Henderson looked impressed anyway . She had a lot of money , and not a lot of sense . Anyway , I started reading the information contained in the tea leafs . And then the world went blank . When I returned to the world , Mrs Henderson was gone . I walked out of the shop I had rented , and another of the shopkeepers came up to me . He was normally an quiet , amicable chap . This time he looked like he wanted to throttle me . " She came out of here . Howling and crying , like you 'd tried to kill her . " he put his face up to mine , " You ever do it again and I 'll . . " " I don 't know what you 're talking about , " and I backed away from him . He stalked off . I walked back to my shop , ready to wait for my next appointment . Mrs Abbot didn 't come . She left a nervous message on my answer phone . At the time I didn 't realise why . Because I had no other clients for the day , I went home . My mouth opened wide . It was such a shock , it seemed like I 'd just been told I was about to die . And then . Then I was in my bed , looking at the ceiling . The police officers had gone . But it felt more real than a dream . It must have been a dream . Yeah , that was what it was , I convinced myself . Although I should have known better . In Ireland you can make a full time living as a psychic . less so in England . The English wouldn 't even pay you if you could predict the lottery . So I also work as a pitchman . Which , if you think about it , is just another way to make a dishonest buck . I walked to the nearest boot sale , and set up . It isn 't too crowded in the morning . And everyone is busy . So I crawl in through the hedge . They don 't know that I 'm there against the rules . I set up . My table is old fashioned . A suitcase with legs you fold out . Like the true pitchmen of the 50 's . My pitch is the worm . They wiggle around my hand , like they are alive . The fools in the crowd gave me money . That is what they are for . She had the longest blondest hair this side of fairyland , and her smile lights up the room like a flashlight . And I knew I am meant to talk to her . Just now . She walked off . I had the sense she is in trouble . She was poorer than she used to be , her clothes were expensive , but last years fashion . I had a feeling I will meet her again . When I got there , there was Mrs Henderson and her husband . Their eyes were red . They had been crying . I couldn 't understand what they were there for . I managed to get them to leave . At first I thought that the gossip would help me . But the truth is , no one wants to go to a psychic that tells them the truth . Life is hard enough . You go to a psychic to hear lies . I made some money as a pitchman , so it didn 't affect me too much . But I kept on having bad dreams . I kept on seeing people I knew in them . Not just that , I saw how they died . Their pain . And I started to write down what I saw . In a book by my bedside cabinet . The extra time I had meant I was drinking more too . It was like I 'd been cursed . But the worst was the Christians . They decided that these dreams were inspired by Satan . They set up the picket line in front of my office . I started to think I should simply leave . On Wednesday , the cleaner came in . She was a nosy parker . And no mistake . Her husband had died a few years back , and she was interested in everything . While it 's not the way she put it , she was very interested in the diary . All the details of the different murders and deaths I 'd seen . All the factual details that no one else other than the murderer could know . She took it to the police , and they read it , and they got their warrant . I arrived back at the normal time , and nothing was different . The book was there . I didn 't notice the surveillance cameras . Not at all . They broke in that night . It wasn 't a dream . And I looked up to them bleary eyed , a gun pointing in my face , and swore . They dragged me towards the back of the car , and I noticed someone had decided to give the press warning . So it was very public . Once in , they took me right there . And kitted me out in fetching jail clothing , since I was still in pyjamas . This was the first time I was in jail , and I can tell you it is not as bad as some people say . There is an odd vinegar smell , hiding other bodily fluids . And it is never quiet . There is always shouting going on , and doors slammed . But it was no worse than some hotels I 've been in while performing . I looked across at my lawyer . Short , thin , balding and bored . The police officer had my diary in front of him . He picked it up . " In it , you 've got the details of dozens of murders . Information the police hasn 't released to the public . Information . . . dare I say it , in some cases that the police didn 't even know themselves . " And that was it . That was the full content of the interview . I was hustled off into the cell , and ended up waiting for days . In telephone conversations with friends , I knew the police were digging up my life . I was given a notebook , and a pen , and I continued to write down my dreams . I thought I might as well . The police would search my cell every now and again , and confiscate them . They even moved me to solitary . Made sure no one could be feeding me this information . Or , presumably , that I wasn 't ordering the killings . But the dreams continued . They were getting worse and worse . Every morning I woke up feeling like I had not slept . I guess at least things looked up , because they took me from prison . They drove me along country lanes , towards a building . I can 't tell you precisely where it was . It just looked like an old school to be honest . You 'd never have guessed it was an intelligence headquarters . They bundled me out into an empty building . You 've heard of the secret prisons . Well , they are true . They dressed me up in a uniform , tagged my ankle , and locked me in a cage . The only thing they gave me was some paper and a pen to write down my dreams . Sometimes people came to research me . They put me in scanners , and gave me all kinds of medical tests . The results were unsurprising . I was just a normal , healthy individual . And that was how it seemed I was destined to live for the rest of my life . Until I started to hear the voices . They were low . Just like someone was talking in the next room . Distant . And I couldn 't make them out . That night I was tossing and turning , and I heard someone shout out my name . I woke up . No one was there . Then I tried to get asleep again , and managed it . But the voice was insistent . Nothing answered me . The guards walked past my cell . But with the dreams and the voices , I was getting no sleep . It started to affect me so badly I would not even eat food . Within a few days I was exhausted . Mentally and physically drained . And I guess that is what the creatures wanted . Because soon they broke through . It 's hard to tell you how it felt . But if you have ever had a moment of shock , when you suddenly feel like you aren 't there , you 'll know . He said his name . And then the voice faded away . But I knew I had to do precisely what he told me . I 'd go mad otherwise . Maybe I was already mad . The opportunity came sooner than I expected . My handlers were getting anxious . I was producing less predictions than normal , and the federal conviction rate was plummeting through the floor . The handlers looked like model citizens . Dark suits , a man and a woman dressed formally , like they were lawyers . They flashed their badge to me . I don 't know why , the fact I was in a prison gave them away . The police officer fell back . You could see him working it through in his mind . Despite the success of my predictions , he settled on the conclusion I was mad . After all , psychic phenomena were impossible . He 'd read that once . I shook my head . But that night , I was thinking about it , and decided that I had to ask . Had to have a conversation , if only for my sanity . When the voices started up , I leaned forward in my bed . I asked the question again . But he would say nothing of use to me . he would only repeatedly ask me to find his killers . Not very useful . Eventually , I managed to coax his name from him . Nigel . Not a very good name for a joke . That was the strange thing . No murder victims of that name came up . Not any time soon . But a week later , a Nigel disappeared . And I realised the truth . I looked through the court reports . He had been killed by stabbing . They wouldn 't let me out of the jail . So all I could do was read the files they brought on him . And I got the feeling that many of the details had been redacted . it was like looking for a haystack in an elephant : messy and not very satisfactory . There were only two people I decided who could have done it . They both had a great deal to gain . At the end of the day , though , there is a limit to what you can do from inside a jail cell . The guards looked sceptically at me when I asked for it . But I was responsible for half the murder arrests in the district for the last six months . So they eventually gave me what I wanted . Especially when I refused to furnish them with any more information . I don 't know if you have ever been to a proper séance . Well , to be honest , most of the time the knocks are from the medium . But this time it was different . Within moments of the séance starting , I was aware that the room was colder . Then the entire board lifted off the table , and flew towards me . It hit the wall a few inches from my face . The room warmed up again . The presence was gone . For a little while . " I didn 't " I replied . I knew that he didn 't believe me . But he would have to show more senior people . And I knew they couldn 't afford to risk me . I went back to bed . For the first time in weeks , I had no bad dreams . I guess Nigel knew I understood his message . I slept very soundly . Until the next morning . But my guards didn 't really understand . Or they did not want to understand . My handler met me in the interview room the next morning . He looked tired . Besides him sat a man I hadn 't seen before . He wore the cleanest , most expensive suit I had seen during my stay at the states pleasure . The man stood up . He walked out of the room . Measured , and without menace . But he didn 't seem to be a man used to dealing with no . My handler shook his head . He didn 't need to tell me the consequences . All of a sudden , I was put on suicide watch . Woken up every thirty minutes to see if I wasn 't dead yet . The heating in my cell surprisingly broke . I knew I was in their hands totally . But I never realised what it was like to displease them . You see , Nigel might be a ghost , but that doesn 't mean he is stupid . He can see what is happening . He knows they are stopping me doing what he wants . And this gets him angry . They first times he acted , it looked like coincidence . The guards chair would tilt under him , depositing him on the floor . Or cups of coffee were not placed firmly enough on the table . The guards were spooked by me . They knew that I was able to see things they could not . But although the guards face became pale , his hand on the trigger was steady and firm . It was too late . The chair slammed into the guard . He dropped to the floor . Then I saw the guards keys float from his pocket . My cell door was unlocked . I walked over to the guard , stripped his clothes off , and changed into his uniform . I thought I didn 't have much of a choice . If I didn 't do what Nigel wanted he would kill me . Every door I came to slid open without me doing anything . It would have been creepy if I didn 't know what was happening . Soon the alarms started to ring out . People would be grabbing their guns , getting ready to shoot me . I could feel my heart trying to escape from my chest . I soon arrived at fire exit . It opened in front of me . I climbed down some steps . Below me , I could see coppers swarming . I continued to walk down . One of the coppers recognised me . I ran in the opposite direction . He took aim , and I could hear the gun explode behind me . But the bullet didn 't pierce my skin like I expected . Instead , it ended in the ground . I reached a police car , and the engine came on without anyone doing anything . Then I went into a store and bought black trousers and a white shirt . Got changed . And walked out of the shopping centre , expecting to be caught at any time . In my pocket there was five hundred dollars . That was all I had in the world , except for an insane ghost . I decided it was time to go to the library . After chatting to the librarian for a few seconds , she walked me over to a computer which had copies of the local papers for the last twenty years . I typed a search . At first I found nothing , but as I expanded the search back I found him . According to the interview , he was found murdered in his bed . He had been asleep . His wife had been charged and convicted of his murder . But she said she was innocent . Nothing came in response . I knew that would happen . It was too much to hope for . It was getting late at night . The librarian was fussing near me . It was time to go . When you are a fugitive , it isn 't as simple to find a place to stay as booking a room in a hotel . I walked round , looking for an empty house . It took me an hour . Occasionally a police car would go past . It made me nervous . At one time it would have been a posh bungalow . But whoever had owned it had been taken to a care home , and it was covered in weeds and neglect . I walked up to the door , and it swings open . That is one of the advantages of your own private poltergeist . Inside it was a mess . But dry and water proof . There was a wood burning stove in one room . The power was off , and Nigel didn 't turn it on . But the water was only off at the mains . It was easy enough to get it working again . In the morning I would have to start the process of searching for Nigel Slater . I knew roughly where he lived . I fell asleep , and woke up hungry and cramped . Outside , I could hear rustling . I peeked through the window , and could see a man dressed only in black . He looked like he was not very friendly . I ducked down , but he must have seen me . He edged towards the door . It was locked , but he slammed it open . I hid behind the sofa . it didn 't help . He walked towards me . I noticed he had a poker in his hand . There was no way he wouldn 't find me . I stood up . I looked over at him . He had a long scar down his face . it seemed like he was used to trouble . And he was straining to start a fight . I did what he said . He followed me . I thought he might hit me at any second . or recognise me . They must have put my picture out into the news by now . I sighed with relief , but knew that my location might be passed onto the police . I decided it was time to get out of the town . I caught a bus , and tried to hide my face . Since I hadn 't had a bath for a few days it was easier than you might think . People did not want to look me in the eyes . I arrived at Nigel 's house six hours latter . It was a solemn house . A plane front garden laid to grass , brick frontage , and white windows . It didn 't look like anyone had ever cared for it . It looked like it was a place to sleep and not to stay . It took me a few minutes to settle down , and watch the street . There was nothing extraordinary about it . A few people walked past , taking little interest in the stranger . After watching for half an hour , I knew there was little information here for me . Talking round the local shops I found out that Nigel had been a quiet man . Few people knew him , past his saying hello . he didn 't seem to have been involved in anything wrong . or indeed in anything at all . I decided that there could only really have been one source of trouble . He must have found out something at work . Something that made him worth more to someone dead than alive . I got some annual reports from his company and studied them . Amazing what is available on the internet these days . There was little of interest . I applied to work at Nigel 's company as a cleaner . it was a big risk . I supplied false references , and knew they would not check them for months . That 's the thing about cleaners . No one takes any notice . So I got the job , and examined the work place thoroughly . It looked like an office . The computers were always on . Once or twice I looked over the shoulder of someone working but it was all gobbledygook to me . To make it worse , I saw my face on the newspaper when I went for food . Sure , I looked a lot different now . I had grown longer hair , a beard , and was thinner . But it was still me . I grew suspicious of other people . Then came my big break . Several people were working in the office late . I overhead them speaking about a billion dollar deal . The company was getting bought out . I checked the internet , and there was something in the trade section . The routine was the same every day . But one of my colleagues had not turned up to work . So I was asked to clean the main office . I did so . But I did more than that , I broke into the file cabinets , and started reading company secrets . But that didn 't save me for long . The next day I arrived at work a few minutes earlier . Something told me that things were wrong . The security guard on the gate was new . He told me to go out to the bosses office . I walked into a small lab , and looked around . There was a window , and I tried to open it . In the distance I could see five police cars . The window wouldn 't open . There was only one way out . And I knew that by now , there would be police officers between me and the door . I looked round to find a chair . Then used it to break the window . The alarm went , and I slid through the empty hole . But I caught my shoulder on a shard of glass . I was bleeding . The police gave up their pretence . Dozens of sirens started up , heading towards the building . I ran through a green space . I knew that there was only one way out of the compound except the front gate . A hole in the fence I had noticed a few days earlier . But over head their was a helicopter . Although I ran like the wind , it wasn 't enough . I could hear the police men getting closer and closer . I turned around and saw two police officers . They both had guns pointed at me . I raised my hands , and they soon had me on the ground . I arrived at my destination a few hours latter . This time they were taking no chances . I arrived at a super maximum prison . Surrounded by barbed wire , dogs , and armed police officers it was obvious I 'd never get out . The next day the interrogation began . Again and Again . Asking me where I had gone . What I had done . I eventually broke down and told them everything . But that didn 't stop them continuing . Maybe what they were doing was no crime . But it was a form of torture . Eventually , the interrogations stopped . They gave me paper . They wanted to go back to how it used to be . But by that time I had got so angry , even when I did have a dream I kept it to myself . I wasn 't there . So all I can do is repeat the report that was made to me . No guarantee it is what happened . Apparently the director of the FBI had been having an extramarital affair . He was in bed that normal , and engaging in exercise at the same time . This was not expected , but what was even more unexpected was the windows opening wide . And the explosions of a gun . The director of the FBI 's gun . But I do know that it made the national news . The assistant director of the FBI resigned . And , to be frank , most of the people in the FBI did not care much about that . But it was fair warning . He didn 't seem to be exactly happy about what had happened . In fact , he stormed in to the visiting room , and let loose a barrage of swear words . I sat there passively , listening to him . When he calmed down sufficiently , he sat down . " Nigel was right . All he wants is his murderer found . But he isn 't going to stop . Not until that is done . Not even if he has to kill someone else to do it . " " No . I am not . Nigel is a threat to you . If you stand in the way , that is . He is a ghost . What can you do to get rid of him ? " The director of the FBI thought for a few seconds . An hour latter , a priest turned up with bell , book and candle . it didn 't work spectacularly . The power went off , the candle blew out , the bell rang , and the book was thrown across the room . The director gestured to the mirror and two toughs walked in . They carried some rope . They tied me to the chair , and lifted a cosh over their heads . Then all hell broke lose . The cosh swung back by itself . it raised into the air , and came down , laying out one of the thugs . The other caught me a glancing blow , but something unseen lifted him from the floor and threw him against the wall . " You have a choice . Director . Help find Nigel 's killer . Or , I think , Nigel will chase you down and gut you like a fish . " Eventually the Director settled down again . He sat in his chair , silently looking at me . I wasn 't a pretty picture . Thin , and in prison coveralls . I must have looked like a real criminal . They let me go that afternoon . Put me in a suit , and told me I was seconded to the FBI . I was even given my own agent . He was tall , thin , and looked every inch the government man . The agent shook his head . He gave nothing away . That was when I knew he wasn 't sent to help me . Just to keep an eye out on me . Nevertheless , I decided that I could use him . Like he wanted to use me . I looked over to him , and told him to get a warrant . We were going to search Nigel 's company . And read every damn bit of paper they had about Sigma . When we arrived at the door , they had their lawyer sorted out already . Someone must have leaked it . He looked like he had cost a lot of money . " I 'm afraid we have the right not to incriminate ourselves . We are asserting that right . Both as a company , and as individuals . So , no , you can ask any questions but we will not answer them . " I was surprised when I found the clue . It was something no one else would have noticed . A single envelope in the bin . It contained an address . I think Nigel must have been helping me . I was drawn to it . But the thing I noticed was the fact the address had a Sigma stamp . Once we were out of the building , I decided to break away from the FBI agent . I knew some things would work better on my own . it was easier said than done . When I tried to go for a walk that night , he insisted on staying right by me . Getting to the address was difficult . I didn 't have a car , I had to take the bus . Most of the journey there wasn 't even that . And it had began to rain . I must have looked odd , walking around town that late at night , soaked . In fact , I surprised no copper stopped me . " Good enough , " I said . Knowing I was lying as I said it . It wasn 't like it was my strong point . The expression on the coppers face showed he thought not either . He stood there behind me his mouth opened , as I shimmied the lock . it opened . I walked in . This was a mistake , I didn 't notice the small CCTV camera , the camera that was hidden in a plug socket . But it was sending my picture right up to the security office . I worked quickly , going up the stairs to the office . I don 't know what I had expected to see . But what I did see looked just like any other office . Even down to the half drunk cup of coffee . I woke up in the boot of a car . I could feel the engine running , and smell burning petrol . It was pick black . The car started off , bumping along the ground . Hitting me from side to side . My hands were tied behind my back . It was lucky I knew a little magic . I got the knot loose without much effort . Then I grovelled around the car to find something , anything that could help me . There was a wrench , which I picked up . I put the rope around my wrists , hiding the fact I was loose . And put the wrench in my pocket . The boot of the car swung open . One of the security guards lifted me out of the boot . He was covered in muscle . My mouth opened wide . That was the last thing I expected to hear . They marched me along the ground and I saw him for the first time . Nigel . Alive . Then the room went strange . Something turned the lights off , and opened the windows . It even raised a chair off the ground . The security guard looked worried for the first time . " For the last month , I have been searching for the person who killed Nigel Slater . You , sir , are Nigel Slater . But it seems your ghost hasn 't got the information you are alive . " But it didn 't work . By the time that the ambulance arrived , Nigel was in a deep coma . It took only a short time after that until the first homicide detective got there . But the truth is , it was fate . No ones fault . Except the murderer . After all , how can Nigel Slater 's ghost come into my dreams unless he is actually killed ? What happened next surprised me . The cops arrested me . Told me I was being held on suspicion of murder . I told them not to be idiots , but they wrote it in their notebooks and not their minds . By that point the clues would be getting stale , so I drove right to the company . But they wouldn 't let me in . it was a police investigation , they said . No dice . I called the FBI agent and asked him to run the full scan on Slater . By the time he had finished I would know every single family member . And all I had to do was interview them . The only clue left to me was Sigma . The company was closed for a few hours , but the managing director wasn 't . Again the FBI came to my rescue . They had the address , and I wasn 't afraid to use it . We walked up the garden path . It wasn 't the most luxurious house that a managing director had ever lived at . But I knocked on the door anyway . I walked in . Behold , the group was all there . The director of the FBI himself . The attorney general . And a four star general . I could feel the back of my assistant straightening up . The Managing Director pressed a button on the TV . It switched on . Nigel Slater 's office . I saw him pick up his glass . Put the chemicals in it . The MD fast forwarded . Nigel killed himself . " Oil . We got him to produce computer models . All the oil reserves . He was so great . . . well , he could produce a program that told us exactly where oil was , just from satellite images . " Just at that moment a dozen armed guards came into the room . Their guns were pointed right at me . I raised my hands , and was soon plunged into the carpet . They searched me . Didn 't find anything interesting . " Yeah . But I don 't think you did it . I don 't think you were that smart . But I don 't know what this being who calls himself Nigel Slater is , " I didn 't struggle . By now , them putting handcuffs on me was almost routine . I just wish I had been able to continue my life as a charlatan . I didn 't know what to say to that . it was true . it was obvious when you think about it . Nigel had told me he was murdered when he was still alive . but no one ever said the soul was bound to the arrow of time . Within a few minutes we had picked up an escort . From what I could tell , they had closed the road down . Only we were travelling that evening . I gulped . It looked like things were just about to head for the worse . The trip to the Whitehouse was the most fraught I had experienced in my life . The director of the FBI was reading faxes and emails in the car . His face was getting more and more pale . " I guess like the English did in WWII . With disinformation . We need to get an Chinese agent and feed him bad info . And I guess Nigel might be your best hope for that . " I guess the FBI director caught on quickly . Because he could go anywhere , Nigel could listen to the Chinese chatter . He could find Chinese agents . Maybe he didn 't know Chinese , but he knew enough to listen in to the English language conversations . It wasn 't a new concept . The CIA had investigated it in the sixties . But they didn 't have a real life ghost , so their experiments failed . This time we had a real ghost . I asked them to pick out the Ouija board again . The séance room was a sight you had never seen in your life . The president and the director of the FBI holding hands , in a dark room . The president of the united states shook his head . You could tell he couldn 't believe what he was seeing . He got up from his seat , and you could almost hear his bones cracking . Over in the corner of the room I could see a computer with satellite images . I could watch the Chinese fleet mobilising in real time . The number of dots that represented aircraft carriers alone was scary . " It will only be a few days before we have to mobilise our own navy . " The wait was excruciating . But suddenly five hours latter , the board started spelling out a name . The FBI director went to work . Within minutes they had the file out . He didn 't look like what you would expect of a Chinese agent . He had long , blonde hair , was dressed in a respectable suit , and had a respectable job . He worked in the old navy base . His job was to work on the files , reading sensitive military information . Including information about resource allocation . Once they checked his bank account the truth became obvious . The FBI director stood up , and paced down the long thin corridor . Then he arrived back in the meeting room with a young woman . She was dressed in military uniform . He explained the plan . It was simple . The Chinese agent needed to think it had all been a hoax . But for that to work , he would have to eat a pack of lies . I wasn 't there , so I can report only what I have been told . The female agent I had been introduced to worked in the old navy headquarters . She worked in the files there . It is a room full of top secret papers . Room might be the wrong word ; it was the size of an aircraft hanger . She worked there , and had spent months being bored . So naturally , she had struck up a conversation with the handsome blonde military attaché . And , the conversation was reciprocated . The director of the FBI looked at her . She didn 't look like much to put the freedom of the world onto . But she was eager . And after being told what to do , she didn 't complain . She saluted . I stood at the back of the room , watching the Director of the FBI feeling out the officer , and knew I would have to talk to Nigel alone . I didn 't trust her . She looked too good to be true with her starched uniform and willing smile . The new agent went into a staff car , to be driven to the headquarters . She looked very lonely in the back of the car . Meanwhile , we walked to the operations room . There was a banks of monitors the length of the room . We could see satellite images of the build up of the Chinese fleet , as well as real time updates of our spies . I nodded . Then looked back over to the screens . I could see our agent depositing the papers in her draw . She phoned up the Chinese agent , and set up dinner . It looked like a glorious feast . Roast duck , with all the trimmings . The doorbell went . She walked over to it , and opened it . She said something , and the Chinese agent walked into the room . After ten minutes of conversation , she walked away . To go to the toilet . He walked over to the draws , and started rummaging . After a few minutes he found the file our agent had left . He took out the smallest camera you have ever seen , and clicked the image . After that , he put the files away . After he left , the confirmation came thick and fast . The Chinese fleet disbanded . It was amazing to see , but they split up within a matter of hours . Soon the sea around Taiwan was empty except for commercial shipping . I guess that if this had been a story that would be it . I would have been given a party , a celebration , and been allowed to leave . After all , I had saved the day . Well , Nigel did leave . I haven 't heard from him since . After they had finished celebrating , a guard collected me , and drove me in a prison van to here . It is a cold concrete cell . I am allowed a TV , and to write carefully vetted letters . I 'm not sure how I will post this , my story . Maybe I will write it under the postage stamp . I guess for an old crook like me , it is fair . But I wish I had been sent to jail for something I did . And not for some trumped up terrorist charge . Currently we only offer payment for one story selected as the feature story in the monthly pdf magazine only . The successful author will be contacted to organise payment via paypal for a $ 5AUD payment . 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The ship swayed and creaked . He feels every bit of it in his body . Taking no chances the crew , damnedable pirates , have chained him with no give . Legs bound in a kneeling position , arms chained to either wall crucifying him to the ship like a perverse figurehead , he 's been their captive long enough to have forgotten the feel of kindness . It is a small blessing that their fear of him keeps his gag in place at all times . It keeps them from coming anywhere near him . The captain learned a long time ago that he gleans all he needs to live from the moisture in the air , the brine in his eyes . During storms , when he is strongest , the captain posts guards with him . They don 't look at him . A terrible hope fills him today . By the movement of the ship and the crew 's curses , he knows that they 're being pursued by another ship . This ship is a runner , fast . There 'd be little concern of capture if the ship did not gain its quickness from being light , gain its lightness from having little room for armaments or supplies . The pursuers have had them going for a week now and they 'd been out of port for at least a month . He knows from the panic in the crew that the food is all but gone . Soon they 'll be too weak to load what small guns are aboard . He 'd be surprised if they could remember how to sight the cannons it 's been so long since the captain has ordered them used . His hope stems from the pirates ' desperation . If they succumb to practicality then they 'll come for him . With frightened hearts and shaking hands , they 'll undo his chains and he 'll get to spend some time under the sky instead of under foot . So he waits for their desperation to bloom practicality . It does not take long . The first mate comes with three guards and the keys . It is always the first mate that comes to get him . The captain coming himself would make him a person that the captain fears , he wouldn 't last long once that got out among the crew . The first mate is the only one he trusts with the keys to his chains . " The captain wants to see you . " He speaks with a unique accent that comes with the ship 's pidgin of French , Spanish , and Greek . His ears hear the gibberish , but his mind provides him with the meaning . Slowly , they unchain his arms from the ship and secure them behind his back . The guards are afraid to touch him , unsure whether he 'll break or they 'll be infected with something . It strikes him as odd how religious some of these men are . Coming onto the deck , sea spray hits him in the face , covers his bare chest . He instantly feels more alive . He stands taller , muscles flex , the chains bite into his skin . They take him to the captain , standing at the aft of the ship . He stands beside the captain looking out at the wide ocean , the only thing marring their perfect view of the horizon the pursuers . The first mate and guards fold themselves into the three other men standing around them . The captain just stands there for a few minutes , ignoring him . This too is done to show the crew he will do this in his own time , to show that the man he keeps below decks does not frighten him . Around the gag , behind the locked mouth plate , he smiles . Only he and the captain know what he is , and he knows that the captain is frightened of that . " I have use of you . " From under his coat he draws out the key that only he is allowed to keep . He inserts into lock for the face plate . " If you hurt this ship my men will stab you and you will die before you can swim for freedom . Like always , yeah ? " He nods . It 's always the same threat . It vaguely occurs to him that this is only a half life . But then , the spirits would kill for half a life . The plate falls away and he spits the wooden wedge from his mouth . His tongue sticks out , tasting the salt in the air . He flexes his jaw , taking in the blue sky , the white clouds , the gentle waves . He smiles at the captain . Other than the crew 's swords there is very little compelling him . Finally , the captain 's annoyance at the delay shows on his face . He focuses on ship on the horizon . He tries not to think of the men on the ship . He knows he will have to answer for his actions one day , but he 's trying to postpone that day for as long as possible . " I 'm fine . Sorry . " The cabby 's eyes dart from the road to the rearview mirror and back . " I 'm good . I 'm okay . " The cabby 's eyes return to the road and stay there , Lawrence was prepared to keep reassuring him for the rest of the drive as long as he didn 't take his eyes off the road . " That jetlag 's a bitch , isn 't it ? " " Yeah , jetlag . " He doesn 't really feel like talking so he looks out the window . What he sees unsettles him so much that he almost closes his eyes again . Outside the cab desert stretched on for miles . When he 'd met the cabby at the airport he 'd been fine . They 'd been in the middle of a city . He preferred the buildings and people to the endless dry expanse . He tried to think of it as a sea of earth but it just made him queasy . He can 't help it , he closes his eyes . " We 're almost there , " the cabby rouses him . " If I 'd of known I wouldn 't have let you sleep at all . You wouldn 't believe how many people fall asleep in my cab from the airport . " The cabby keeps up a steady stream of chitchat for the next few minutes . Lawrence doesn 't say much , but he 's glad for the distraction . " Here we go , buddy . " He pulls up in front of an independent diner . Lawrence can tell the sign was made with care when it was painted , years in the desert sun has faded it badly . " They got good food here ? " " I don 't know . This is my first time here . " He pays the fare and steps out of the air - conditioned interior . His lips are immediately dry and cracked . The heat cuts him to the core as fast as it dried his lips , the urge to speak rises in him . He needs to escape this heat , he 's drowning in dryness . He rushes inside hoping that they 'll have air - conditioning . No such luck . The interior of the restaurant is as faded as the exterior . He seats himself , impatiently tapping his foot waiting for the waitress . He can hear the sound of the wind . Not the dry , lifeless wind of the desert , but the damp , alive wind of the storm . It 's calling to him , begging him to call out . He licks his lips with a tongue he can barely feel . He can 't help himself , the desert is antithesis for him . Why had he decided to come here ? To satisfy some adolescent curiosity ? He takes one long , shuttering breath . " The special , two of them , just bring me a pitcher of water . " His throat feels so dry . He has to speak now before he loses his chance . " Hmph ! " With blurry vision he watches her flounce back to the kitchen . He grabs the edge of the table to steady himself . He 's clenching his jaw by the time she comes back with a glass for him . He swallows half of it . The cool liquid fills him , calming him . Vision clears , hands stop shaking , the urge lessening . The torrent of wind in his ears shifts to a gentle breeze . How close had he come ? The waitress turns to leave again , he grabs her arm . " Can I get you anything else ? " She says it in such a way that makes Lawrence wonder if it 's actually a question . She tired of him he can tell . She 's too used to bullying the locals . He doesn 't trying to be nice to her , he just takes out a fifty and lays it on the table . " This is your tip if you keep bringing me pitchers of water . " Her eyes gleam slightly as she stares at the bill on the table . Slowly she puts the pitcher on the table . " Thank you . " He drains the rest of his glass and pours another . He finishes this one in three huge gulps . He doesn 't feel as trapped now , his breathing has evened out . He fills the glass a third time , finishing off the pitcher , but only sips this one . A couple minutes pass , the waitress brings his two specials and another pitcher . Lawrence only picks at his food . Between the desert and the age of the equipment in the diner the food is completely dry . Mainly he just cuts up the food and moves it around on his plate . Mainly he watches the people in the restaurant . He immediately discounts his waitress . Seeing her move around the diner , speaking with her , she 's spent most of her life trying to get away from this place . It 's a pity that she 'd never really feel like she belongs anywhere . An old man sits in another booth . He is weathered , his countenance telling the story of a life in the desert . Despite the heat of the day he 's drinking coffee . Lawrence would have considered him a likely candidate if his research didn 't tell him he is looking for someone younger . Besides the old man doesn 't look like he belongs here , only that he 's gotten used to living here . It 's an old style diner setup , so Lawrence can see the cook behind the half wall separating the kitchen from the dining area . Cook would be a wonderful job for who he 's looking for . The heat rising from the stove providing a fix for the cravings while at work . Though nothing compared to the natural heat of the desert it would do while at work . Unfortunately the cook is wearing a sleeveless shirt that 's plastered to his body with sweat . Lawrence 's heart falls . He 's not close enough to the cook to pick up a flow from him , but the fact that he 's sweating tells him all he needs to know . It 's possible his sources were wrong . It 's not easy to track a Bearer . The burden / gift they bear making it too hard to get a fix on them . He 's about to get up , throwing the contents of his glass down his throat , when the kitchen door swings open and a young man steps through . Lawrence puts his cup down and watches him . Something in the way he moves is different . Somehow his movements come off as light , almost bouncy . Even just clearing dishes from tables , his movements are quick , precise . He wears a t - shirt , jeans , and boots , all are cheap , but he still has an air of status . Lawrence notes that he 's not sweating . He looks up , checking for more stray dishes . Lawrence motions him over . " You finished with this , mister ? " Lawrence inhales and catches the scent of aged stone . " Sorry , mister , I 'm just here for the dishes . You 'll want to try Craiper St . around ten tonight . " He grabs a plate , Lawrence grabs his wrist . Sun … Heat … Dry … Sand … Lawrence pulls his hand away , palm red . Perspiration stands out on the young man 's brow now , fear in his eyes . He slides into the booth across from Lawrence . Lawrence pours another glass of water and waits for the boy to say something . " I 'm on break ! " She throws up her hands and goes back into the kitchen . Tito smiles at Lawrence . " Let 's go outside . " Lawrence downs his water and follows him out and around the diner . " I 'm Benjamin Fuller , but everyone calls me , Tito . Now who the hell are you ? " It 's a fair question . If he doesn 't know what he is then he 's probably really freaked out . Lawrence can 't blame him , he 's been there . " Ha , not likely , man . " Tito looks skeptical , very skeptical . There 's at least fifteen years between them . And while Tito isn 't a full blooded Mexican , Lawrence can tell at least one of his parents is , while Lawrence couldn 't be more white without being an albino . It 's hard to believe . " I don 't mean biologically . I mean spiritually . " Tito 's face is instantly serious . " You can feel it , can 't you ? That subtle , tickling at the back of your brain that makes you feel like you know me , even while at your core I unsettle you . " " Yes . " Tito looks so relieved that it breaks Lawrence 's heart . He knows what it 's like to finally have this explained . Lawrence had spent three years in a mental hospital trying to deal by himself . Tito is a strong young man . " Where is there open desert ? " Tito points down an alley . Lawrence starts walking , Tito doesn 't need to be told to follow , he falls into step next to Lawrence careful not to touch him . They come out the other end of the alley seeing open land . For Lawrence it 's as close to nothing as he ever wants to get . Longing fills Tito 's eyes . " I want to share something with you . Watch out there . " Lawrence takes a deep breath and centers himself . The urge to speak has been growing since they stepped out of the diner , the dryness creeping in to all his dark places . Tito 's hands fly up to cover his ears . " Ah ! What the hell ? " FLASH ! BOOM ! The thunder cuts off any further curses . Tito 's gaze is drawn out to the desert , where black storm clouds have formed out of nowhere . The fear is back in his eyes , he retreats till his back hits the wall to the building . " What have you done ? " " I spoke my Word . We 're Word Bearers , Tito . You have your own . Can you feel it ? Deep in core . " Lawrence can see he 's confused . He 's frightened , overwhelmed . FLASHBOOM ! " You can stop this , Tito . Go ahead . Say your Word . I want to hear it . " " I don 't … I 'm not sure . " Confusion and fear war on Tito 's face . Lawrence hopes he won 't run . He didn 't mean to scare the boy . " Of course you 're sure . You 've known it for centuries , you just haven 't spoken it yet . It 's okay . I 'm here with you . " His first step is hesitant , his second is firm , his third is confident . Lawrence realizes he 's holding his breath . Tito looks up at him , he nods . Tito fixes his gaze on the storm . " " There it is . It 's as quiet as Lawrence 's Word is loud , but no less powerful . It 's so beautiful . As Lawrence watches the storm clouds dissipate a tear rolls down his cheek . 2 Dad suffered even from a sight of blood , and he never killed a hen nor slaughtered a pig . But I was aware that once he had donated his blood in the name of my Mum still , because she 'd had a narrow escape on an operating table then . With me a doctor would have my blood tested in a moment : one , two and it 's done . But first they make you ready for rather a time : take a seat , then have a proper finger chosen , though it is always just the one , then they wipe it with spirits until take somewhat sharp like a mini - scalpel . Not everyone can stand the procedure , but I was not against it when a doctor suggested me having my blood tested . She was a likable one , youngish for her age , not married or divorced , probably . And she had no child , I felt it immediately , she had such a look , barren if you want . Possibly for health reasons she could not bear a child or she didn 't find a right man . Or she could have a particular blood group not to have a child with anyone , that 's why she employed at a doctor 's consulting room to make blood tests . And she urged me to have my blood tested . At first I didn 't mind it , the right thing it is , still she didn 't ask my permission . " Just let 's have your blood tested " , she said and left me . She had many things to do I suppose . In doctor 's smocks they walked hither and thither all the time at a clinic there talking over the heads of those waiting , as if one was dead already . And I was still alive and a nurse was preparing to have my blood tested . While she got me ready she was chattering . She said that men were afraid of blood testing nowadays . More and more they refused to do it and ran away sometimes seeing a drop of blood . And one had nothing to fear , there was a couch behind the curtain in a special emergency to lie low , in case one fainted . She pulled the white curtain aside and showed me a couch with dark green leatherette and I shivered all at once : what for they needed my blood ? She suggested me taking off a jacket and rolling up my sleeve , left or right one , I don 't rMy Bio : Mr . Valery Petrovskiy is a journalist and short story writer from Russia . Не is an English Department graduate at Chuvash State University , Cheboksary , graduated in journalism at VKSch Higher School , Moscow and in psychology at Kazan State Technology University . He has been writing prose since 2005 . Some of his writing has been published in The Scrambler , Rusty Typer , BRICKrethoric , NAP Magazine , Literary Burlesque , The Other Room , Curbside Quotidian , DANSE MACABRE , WidowMoon Press , PRIME MINCER , Apocrypha and Abstractions , The Legendary in the USA , and in Australian " Skive " and " Going Down Swinging " magazines . At the moment he is writer - in - residence at Marco Polo Art Mag . It 's dark in here . That 's because I live at the bottom of the jewellery box along with the other outcasts : the tangled necklace with the broken lobster claw and teddy pendant she got for her eleventh birthday , along with the bracelet that 's missing a couple of gem stones . She always says she will have them repaired but never does , preferring to spend the money on more fashionable pieces instead that imitate Asian and Oriental designs . An untrained eye might imagine that they were found by a back - packer on their travels , but they weren 't . They can be bought from any shop on the high - street , and are merely echoes of worlds she 's never seen . Not all of us down here are broken though . I 'm not , and neither is the engagement ring she got from Mark , ( who eventually cheated on her with Shannon from Reception , ) or the belly bar she took out when she put weight on and decided looked too young for her anyway . The ones at the top who get worn more often pity us , ( ' how boring it must be , ' they say to each other in whispers they think we can 't hear , ' being cooped up down there , month in , month out , ' ) but in a way they 're jealous . As I 've said , you could buy them in their hundreds if you wanted to , and they are without sentimental value like the childhood necklace or the belly bar that reminds her of her wild teens and early twenties . They 're easily replaced and she gives them away when they become outdated - or chucks them if even her younger sister and the charity shops say no , thanks . She doesn 't like Mark 's ring or me , so it isn 't often that her fingers dig through the chunky bangles and strings of beads to bring me to the surface . It happens maybe three or four times a year when she has arranged to visit The Matriarch . The ring doesn 't even get a look in . Why Mark wouldn 't let her give it back to him so that he could give it to someone he did love is beyond us ; at least that way it would have been enjoyed . All the same , seeing as I 'm an heirloom and the ring is eighteen carat white goPerhaps you imagine I get bitter when the voices of the favoured ones float above my head , chattering away about their ventures out of the box : days at work , dinners , dates , parties and who was there , who wasn 't there , what she wore … you get the drift . Or worse , maybe you feel sorry for me . I 'd rather you didn 't . Pity the rest but not me . I 'm not so keen on their weight pressing down on me but I don 't mind the dark . In fact I quite like it . It reminds me of home , my real one , from before I met people . As for being bitter , you can rule that out . I 'm a pearl , darling ; it 's not in my nature . You lot have seen me as a symbol of love for thousands of years and I do try to live up to my name by being kind - although I cannot help but wince sometimes at the irony , given that the first person I ever met died . Don 't look at me like that ; it wasn 't my fault . But that 's why she doesn 't like me . All the same , when you 've being kept in a family for over a century you do take an interest in your present owner , even if it 's not reciprocated , so I enjoy listening to the young ones ' gossip . Let them have their fun while they still can . The best they can hope for is a place in a child 's dressing - up box in just a few , short years so they might as well enjoy it . 2 . Memories . I might be old - fashioned and be from a past that she and you would rather forget , but I 'm not like your kind . I will endure and outlive the others , her - even you . And I never forget . My memory doesn 't grow weak with age , it gets stronger . I can still smell what my home was like ; still feel the movements of the person who found me when he panicked and rushed too quickly to the top , and the urgent , grasping hand of the first , but different person to ever touch me , as though I 'd only stopped smelling and feeling them a minute ago . The memories of my owners and the events in their lives play like the films you are so fond of ; the moment when her grandfather proposed to her grandmother , and the christening of her mother , they are a3 . Before she grew up . I suppose you think it strange that her grandmother , ( or The Matriarch as she jokingly calls her , ) skipped a generation and gave me to someone who doesn 't like me , but it never used to be this way . When she was little and used to visit her grandmother she would ask , ( very politely after giving her a peck on the cheek , ) if she could play with her jewellery box . The answer was always yes , and she would very carefully hunt through the diamonds and gold to find me , pin me to her jumper and wear me for the rest of the time she was there . It became something of a ritual , to the point where her grandmother began to pick me out herself and would put me on the coffee table ready for when she arrived . When she was eighteen , The Matriarch had a heart attack , and fearing that she would never leave hospital , insisted on the girl 's mother driving for two hours to get me , so that she could give me to her personally before it was too late . They were very close , and still are in spite of the distance , for she survived against all the odds . Whenever she goes to see her she always comments on how lovely it is , seeing her granddaughter all grown up , wearing her old brooch that 's always been her favourite . And I was for a time . Traditionally I was only worn for a special or significant occasion , but when she was at college I had the strange but enjoyable experience of being put in her pocket and going with her , and if she felt nervous about something her fingers would slide down to stroke me . Normally I hated people manhandling me , but I didn 't mind in her case - it was better than her biting her nails . It was almost as if she thought that having me with her would stop something bad happening - and I have been viewed as ' lucky . ' Stop sniggering , it 's true . In the days of knights and sword - fighting , we would be worn when the rich and noble went into battle because they thought we would protect them from harm , so don 't laugh at her . It felt good , being wanted , and I have to confess I came in danger You don 't like being reminded of your past - those days of glory when Britain ruled half the world . I think that 's why you apologise so much , and give more than you can afford to charities trying to save the poor and starving around the globe . It 's almost as though you 're trying to make up for all the wrongs done before you were born . And I 've tried to avoid talking about it in case you ran away - I get lonely sometimes and it 's nice having someone to talk to . But you can 't run forever , things have to be faced eventually . Some of you may already know and may already be trying to shut out the sound of my words by turning your thoughts to the plans you 've made for the weekend , but there 'll be a lot of you who don 't . There are lots of happy anecdotes from my owners ' lives I could have told you but this is the one you need to hear : My story . We are not like your kind , but there is one thing we have in common : just as you can 't remember coming out of the womb , we don 't know what it was like being a grain of sand or piece of shell squeezing our way inside an oyster and hardening ; all I remember is being . There were no thoughts , for when you live inside a shell there isn 't a great deal to think about - nothing happens . That probably sounds dull to you but there was no sadness , no pain or death . It was peaceful , just being . I didn 't know this at the time but even nothing has to come to an end eventually : the day would always have come when I would be found . It will be hard for you to understand what it was like being taken out of water , hearing sounds , seeing colours and light - all for the first time . On paper it sounds great , this explosion of life , but the reality was frightening - and even fear was something I had never heard of or felt before . Maybe that 's why your newborns usually cry when they come out , because they 're scared and want to go back . I 'm trying to think of ways to describe how it was to you , and the only way I can think of is for you to imagine an ancient Egyptian being placed in the middle of a supermarket . That might give you a better idea , but even that doesn 't come close . I 've learnt a lot since then - ( I 've had to , I didn 't have any other choice - ) but there 's one thing I 've never been able to get my head around , and that is time . Your lives are ruled by clocks and diaries telling you when deadlines or birthdays are due , but when you have so much time whole years , even decades can pass you by . Forgive me then , if I am a little hazy on dates . What I can tell you is that I was brought to the surface in the late 1800s , which makes me special . There aren 't many of us that come from nature now . Most are made by man in bulk on farms . Things changed . You suddenly became concerned about human life and diving equipment got better . Both meant that the world 's poor no were no longer forced to hold their breaths for comments » I knew that someone important was going to walk into my life at 12 : 15 , just after I normally drink tea and prepare for an slow day working on the horoscope . Now , maybe you might not believe me . After all , I am a professional charlatan . But I knew something was up , because for the last two weeks every prediction I have made actually worked out . It started when I saw Mrs Henderson . She was a fat woman , an unpleasant woman , a great client . Like most people who wanted a reading , she didn 't want the truth . And normally I didn 't give it to her . I pulled out the equipment . It was a plain set . It looked like bone china , but was made in china for a very low price . Mrs Henderson looked impressed anyway . She had a lot of money , and not a lot of sense . Anyway , I started reading the information contained in the tea leafs . And then the world went blank . When I returned to the world , Mrs Henderson was gone . I walked out of the shop I had rented , and another of the shopkeepers came up to me . He was normally an quiet , amicable chap . This time he looked like he wanted to throttle me . " She came out of here . Howling and crying , like you 'd tried to kill her . " he put his face up to mine , " You ever do it again and I 'll . . " " I don 't know what you 're talking about , " and I backed away from him . He stalked off . I walked back to my shop , ready to wait for my next appointment . Mrs Abbot didn 't come . She left a nervous message on my answer phone . At the time I didn 't realise why . Because I had no other clients for the day , I went home . My mouth opened wide . It was such a shock , it seemed like I 'd just been told I was about to die . And then . Then I was in my bed , looking at the ceiling . The police officers had gone . But it felt more real than a dream . It must have been a dream . Yeah , that was what it was , I convinced myself . Although I should have known better . In Ireland you can make a full time living as a psychic . less so in England . The English wouldn 't even pay you if you could predict the lottery . So I also work as a pitchman . Which , if you think about it , is just another way to make a dishonest buck . I walked to the nearest boot sale , and set up . It isn 't too crowded in the morning . And everyone is busy . So I crawl in through the hedge . They don 't know that I 'm there against the rules . I set up . My table is old fashioned . A suitcase with legs you fold out . Like the true pitchmen of the 50 's . My pitch is the worm . They wiggle around my hand , like they are alive . The fools in the crowd gave me money . That is what they are for . She had the longest blondest hair this side of fairyland , and her smile lights up the room like a flashlight . And I knew I am meant to talk to her . Just now . She walked off . I had the sense she is in trouble . She was poorer than she used to be , her clothes were expensive , but last years fashion . I had a feeling I will meet her again . When I got there , there was Mrs Henderson and her husband . Their eyes were red . They had been crying . I couldn 't understand what they were there for . I managed to get them to leave . At first I thought that the gossip would help me . But the truth is , no one wants to go to a psychic that tells them the truth . Life is hard enough . You go to a psychic to hear lies . I made some money as a pitchman , so it didn 't affect me too much . But I kept on having bad dreams . I kept on seeing people I knew in them . Not just that , I saw how they died . Their pain . And I started to write down what I saw . In a book by my bedside cabinet . The extra time I had meant I was drinking more too . It was like I 'd been cursed . But the worst was the Christians . They decided that these dreams were inspired by Satan . They set up the picket line in front of my office . I started to think I should simply leave . On Wednesday , the cleaner came in . She was a nosy parker . And no mistake . Her husband had died a few years back , and she was interested in everything . While it 's not the way she put it , she was very interested in the diary . All the details of the different murders and deaths I 'd seen . All the factual details that no one else other than the murderer could know . She took it to the police , and they read it , and they got their warrant . I arrived back at the normal time , and nothing was different . The book was there . I didn 't notice the surveillance cameras . Not at all . They broke in that night . It wasn 't a dream . And I looked up to them bleary eyed , a gun pointing in my face , and swore . They dragged me towards the back of the car , and I noticed someone had decided to give the press warning . So it was very public . Once in , they took me right there . And kitted me out in fetching jail clothing , since I was still in pyjamas . This was the first time I was in jail , and I can tell you it is not as bad as some people say . There is an odd vinegar smell , hiding other bodily fluids . And it is never quiet . There is always shouting going on , and doors slammed . But it was no worse than some hotels I 've been in while performing . I looked across at my lawyer . Short , thin , balding and bored . The police officer had my diary in front of him . He picked it up . " In it , you 've got the details of dozens of murders . Information the police hasn 't released to the public . Information . . . dare I say it , in some cases that the police didn 't even know themselves . " And that was it . That was the full content of the interview . I was hustled off into the cell , and ended up waiting for days . In telephone conversations with friends , I knew the police were digging up my life . I was given a notebook , and a pen , and I continued to write down my dreams . I thought I might as well . The police would search my cell every now and again , and confiscate them . They even moved me to solitary . Made sure no one could be feeding me this information . Or , presumably , that I wasn 't ordering the killings . But the dreams continued . They were getting worse and worse . Every morning I woke up feeling like I had not slept . I guess at least things looked up , because they took me from prison . They drove me along country lanes , towards a building . I can 't tell you precisely where it was . It just looked like an old school to be honest . You 'd never have guessed it was an intelligence headquarters . They bundled me out into an empty building . You 've heard of the secret prisons . Well , they are true . They dressed me up in a uniform , tagged my ankle , and locked me in a cage . The only thing they gave me was some paper and a pen to write down my dreams . Sometimes people came to research me . They put me in scanners , and gave me all kinds of medical tests . The results were unsurprising . I was just a normal , healthy individual . And that was how it seemed I was destined to live for the rest of my life . Until I started to hear the voices . They were low . Just like someone was talking in the next room . Distant . And I couldn 't make them out . That night I was tossing and turning , and I heard someone shout out my name . I woke up . No one was there . Then I tried to get asleep again , and managed it . But the voice was insistent . Nothing answered me . The guards walked past my cell . But with the dreams and the voices , I was getting no sleep . It started to affect me so badly I would not even eat food . Within a few days I was exhausted . Mentally and physically drained . And I guess that is what the creatures wanted . Because soon they broke through . It 's hard to tell you how it felt . But if you have ever had a moment of shock , when you suddenly feel like you aren 't there , you 'll know . He said his name . And then the voice faded away . But I knew I had to do precisely what he told me . I 'd go mad otherwise . Maybe I was already mad . The opportunity came sooner than I expected . My handlers were getting anxious . I was producing less predictions than normal , and the federal conviction rate was plummeting through the floor . The handlers looked like model citizens . Dark suits , a man and a woman dressed formally , like they were lawyers . They flashed their badge to me . I don 't know why , the fact I was in a prison gave them away . The police officer fell back . You could see him working it through in his mind . Despite the success of my predictions , he settled on the conclusion I was mad . After all , psychic phenomena were impossible . He 'd read that once . I shook my head . But that night , I was thinking about it , and decided that I had to ask . Had to have a conversation , if only for my sanity . When the voices started up , I leaned forward in my bed . I asked the question again . But he would say nothing of use to me . he would only repeatedly ask me to find his killers . Not very useful . Eventually , I managed to coax his name from him . Nigel . Not a very good name for a joke . That was the strange thing . No murder victims of that name came up . Not any time soon . But a week later , a Nigel disappeared . And I realised the truth . I looked through the court reports . He had been killed by stabbing . They wouldn 't let me out of the jail . So all I could do was read the files they brought on him . And I got the feeling that many of the details had been redacted . it was like looking for a haystack in an elephant : messy and not very satisfactory . There were only two people I decided who could have done it . They both had a great deal to gain . At the end of the day , though , there is a limit to what you can do from inside a jail cell . The guards looked sceptically at me when I asked for it . But I was responsible for half the murder arrests in the district for the last six months . So they eventually gave me what I wanted . Especially when I refused to furnish them with any more information . I don 't know if you have ever been to a proper séance . Well , to be honest , most of the time the knocks are from the medium . But this time it was different . Within moments of the séance starting , I was aware that the room was colder . Then the entire board lifted off the table , and flew towards me . It hit the wall a few inches from my face . The room warmed up again . The presence was gone . For a little while . " I didn 't " I replied . I knew that he didn 't believe me . But he would have to show more senior people . And I knew they couldn 't afford to risk me . I went back to bed . For the first time in weeks , I had no bad dreams . I guess Nigel knew I understood his message . I slept very soundly . Until the next morning . But my guards didn 't really understand . Or they did not want to understand . My handler met me in the interview room the next morning . He looked tired . Besides him sat a man I hadn 't seen before . He wore the cleanest , most expensive suit I had seen during my stay at the states pleasure . The man stood up . He walked out of the room . Measured , and without menace . But he didn 't seem to be a man used to dealing with no . My handler shook his head . He didn 't need to tell me the consequences . All of a sudden , I was put on suicide watch . Woken up every thirty minutes to see if I wasn 't dead yet . The heating in my cell surprisingly broke . I knew I was in their hands totally . But I never realised what it was like to displease them . You see , Nigel might be a ghost , but that doesn 't mean he is stupid . He can see what is happening . He knows they are stopping me doing what he wants . And this gets him angry . They first times he acted , it looked like coincidence . The guards chair would tilt under him , depositing him on the floor . Or cups of coffee were not placed firmly enough on the table . The guards were spooked by me . They knew that I was able to see things they could not . But although the guards face became pale , his hand on the trigger was steady and firm . It was too late . The chair slammed into the guard . He dropped to the floor . Then I saw the guards keys float from his pocket . My cell door was unlocked . I walked over to the guard , stripped his clothes off , and changed into his uniform . I thought I didn 't have much of a choice . If I didn 't do what Nigel wanted he would kill me . Every door I came to slid open without me doing anything . It would have been creepy if I didn 't know what was happening . Soon the alarms started to ring out . People would be grabbing their guns , getting ready to shoot me . I could feel my heart trying to escape from my chest . I soon arrived at fire exit . It opened in front of me . I climbed down some steps . Below me , I could see coppers swarming . I continued to walk down . One of the coppers recognised me . I ran in the opposite direction . He took aim , and I could hear the gun explode behind me . But the bullet didn 't pierce my skin like I expected . Instead , it ended in the ground . I reached a police car , and the engine came on without anyone doing anything . Then I went into a store and bought black trousers and a white shirt . Got changed . And walked out of the shopping centre , expecting to be caught at any time . In my pocket there was five hundred dollars . That was all I had in the world , except for an insane ghost . I decided it was time to go to the library . After chatting to the librarian for a few seconds , she walked me over to a computer which had copies of the local papers for the last twenty years . I typed a search . At first I found nothing , but as I expanded the search back I found him . According to the interview , he was found murdered in his bed . He had been asleep . His wife had been charged and convicted of his murder . But she said she was innocent . Nothing came in response . I knew that would happen . It was too much to hope for . It was getting late at night . The librarian was fussing near me . It was time to go . When you are a fugitive , it isn 't as simple to find a place to stay as booking a room in a hotel . I walked round , looking for an empty house . It took me an hour . Occasionally a police car would go past . It made me nervous . At one time it would have been a posh bungalow . But whoever had owned it had been taken to a care home , and it was covered in weeds and neglect . I walked up to the door , and it swings open . That is one of the advantages of your own private poltergeist . Inside it was a mess . But dry and water proof . There was a wood burning stove in one room . The power was off , and Nigel didn 't turn it on . But the water was only off at the mains . It was easy enough to get it working again . In the morning I would have to start the process of searching for Nigel Slater . I knew roughly where he lived . I fell asleep , and woke up hungry and cramped . Outside , I could hear rustling . I peeked through the window , and could see a man dressed only in black . He looked like he was not very friendly . I ducked down , but he must have seen me . He edged towards the door . It was locked , but he slammed it open . I hid behind the sofa . it didn 't help . He walked towards me . I noticed he had a poker in his hand . There was no way he wouldn 't find me . I stood up . I looked over at him . He had a long scar down his face . it seemed like he was used to trouble . And he was straining to start a fight . I did what he said . He followed me . I thought he might hit me at any second . or recognise me . They must have put my picture out into the news by now . I sighed with relief , but knew that my location might be passed onto the police . I decided it was time to get out of the town . I caught a bus , and tried to hide my face . Since I hadn 't had a bath for a few days it was easier than you might think . People did not want to look me in the eyes . I arrived at Nigel 's house six hours latter . It was a solemn house . A plane front garden laid to grass , brick frontage , and white windows . It didn 't look like anyone had ever cared for it . It looked like it was a place to sleep and not to stay . It took me a few minutes to settle down , and watch the street . There was nothing extraordinary about it . A few people walked past , taking little interest in the stranger . After watching for half an hour , I knew there was little information here for me . Talking round the local shops I found out that Nigel had been a quiet man . Few people knew him , past his saying hello . he didn 't seem to have been involved in anything wrong . or indeed in anything at all . I decided that there could only really have been one source of trouble . He must have found out something at work . Something that made him worth more to someone dead than alive . I got some annual reports from his company and studied them . Amazing what is available on the internet these days . There was little of interest . I applied to work at Nigel 's company as a cleaner . it was a big risk . I supplied false references , and knew they would not check them for months . That 's the thing about cleaners . No one takes any notice . So I got the job , and examined the work place thoroughly . It looked like an office . The computers were always on . Once or twice I looked over the shoulder of someone working but it was all gobbledygook to me . To make it worse , I saw my face on the newspaper when I went for food . Sure , I looked a lot different now . I had grown longer hair , a beard , and was thinner . But it was still me . I grew suspicious of other people . Then came my big break . Several people were working in the office late . I overhead them speaking about a billion dollar deal . The company was getting bought out . I checked the internet , and there was something in the trade section . The routine was the same every day . But one of my colleagues had not turned up to work . So I was asked to clean the main office . I did so . But I did more than that , I broke into the file cabinets , and started reading company secrets . But that didn 't save me for long . The next day I arrived at work a few minutes earlier . Something told me that things were wrong . The security guard on the gate was new . He told me to go out to the bosses office . I walked into a small lab , and looked around . There was a window , and I tried to open it . In the distance I could see five police cars . The window wouldn 't open . There was only one way out . And I knew that by now , there would be police officers between me and the door . I looked round to find a chair . Then used it to break the window . The alarm went , and I slid through the empty hole . But I caught my shoulder on a shard of glass . I was bleeding . The police gave up their pretence . Dozens of sirens started up , heading towards the building . I ran through a green space . I knew that there was only one way out of the compound except the front gate . A hole in the fence I had noticed a few days earlier . But over head their was a helicopter . Although I ran like the wind , it wasn 't enough . I could hear the police men getting closer and closer . I turned around and saw two police officers . They both had guns pointed at me . I raised my hands , and they soon had me on the ground . I arrived at my destination a few hours latter . This time they were taking no chances . I arrived at a super maximum prison . Surrounded by barbed wire , dogs , and armed police officers it was obvious I 'd never get out . The next day the interrogation began . Again and Again . Asking me where I had gone . What I had done . I eventually broke down and told them everything . But that didn 't stop them continuing . Maybe what they were doing was no crime . But it was a form of torture . Eventually , the interrogations stopped . They gave me paper . They wanted to go back to how it used to be . But by that time I had got so angry , even when I did have a dream I kept it to myself . I wasn 't there . So all I can do is repeat the report that was made to me . No guarantee it is what happened . Apparently the director of the FBI had been having an extramarital affair . He was in bed that normal , and engaging in exercise at the same time . This was not expected , but what was even more unexpected was the windows opening wide . And the explosions of a gun . The director of the FBI 's gun . But I do know that it made the national news . The assistant director of the FBI resigned . And , to be frank , most of the people in the FBI did not care much about that . But it was fair warning . He didn 't seem to be exactly happy about what had happened . In fact , he stormed in to the visiting room , and let loose a barrage of swear words . I sat there passively , listening to him . When he calmed down sufficiently , he sat down . " Nigel was right . All he wants is his murderer found . But he isn 't going to stop . Not until that is done . Not even if he has to kill someone else to do it . " " No . I am not . Nigel is a threat to you . If you stand in the way , that is . He is a ghost . What can you do to get rid of him ? " The director of the FBI thought for a few seconds . An hour latter , a priest turned up with bell , book and candle . it didn 't work spectacularly . The power went off , the candle blew out , the bell rang , and the book was thrown across the room . The director gestured to the mirror and two toughs walked in . They carried some rope . They tied me to the chair , and lifted a cosh over their heads . Then all hell broke lose . The cosh swung back by itself . it raised into the air , and came down , laying out one of the thugs . The other caught me a glancing blow , but something unseen lifted him from the floor and threw him against the wall . " You have a choice . Director . Help find Nigel 's killer . Or , I think , Nigel will chase you down and gut you like a fish . " Eventually the Director settled down again . He sat in his chair , silently looking at me . I wasn 't a pretty picture . Thin , and in prison coveralls . I must have looked like a real criminal . They let me go that afternoon . Put me in a suit , and told me I was seconded to the FBI . I was even given my own agent . He was tall , thin , and looked every inch the government man . The agent shook his head . He gave nothing away . That was when I knew he wasn 't sent to help me . Just to keep an eye out on me . Nevertheless , I decided that I could use him . Like he wanted to use me . I looked over to him , and told him to get a warrant . We were going to search Nigel 's company . And read every damn bit of paper they had about Sigma . When we arrived at the door , they had their lawyer sorted out already . Someone must have leaked it . He looked like he had cost a lot of money . " I 'm afraid we have the right not to incriminate ourselves . We are asserting that right . Both as a company , and as individuals . So , no , you can ask any questions but we will not answer them . " I was surprised when I found the clue . It was something no one else would have noticed . A single envelope in the bin . It contained an address . I think Nigel must have been helping me . I was drawn to it . But the thing I noticed was the fact the address had a Sigma stamp . Once we were out of the building , I decided to break away from the FBI agent . I knew some things would work better on my own . it was easier said than done . When I tried to go for a walk that night , he insisted on staying right by me . Getting to the address was difficult . I didn 't have a car , I had to take the bus . Most of the journey there wasn 't even that . And it had began to rain . I must have looked odd , walking around town that late at night , soaked . In fact , I surprised no copper stopped me . " Good enough , " I said . Knowing I was lying as I said it . It wasn 't like it was my strong point . The expression on the coppers face showed he thought not either . He stood there behind me his mouth opened , as I shimmied the lock . it opened . I walked in . This was a mistake , I didn 't notice the small CCTV camera , the camera that was hidden in a plug socket . But it was sending my picture right up to the security office . I worked quickly , going up the stairs to the office . I don 't know what I had expected to see . But what I did see looked just like any other office . Even down to the half drunk cup of coffee . I woke up in the boot of a car . I could feel the engine running , and smell burning petrol . It was pick black . The car started off , bumping along the ground . Hitting me from side to side . My hands were tied behind my back . It was lucky I knew a little magic . I got the knot loose without much effort . Then I grovelled around the car to find something , anything that could help me . There was a wrench , which I picked up . I put the rope around my wrists , hiding the fact I was loose . And put the wrench in my pocket . The boot of the car swung open . One of the security guards lifted me out of the boot . He was covered in muscle . My mouth opened wide . That was the last thing I expected to hear . They marched me along the ground and I saw him for the first time . Nigel . Alive . Then the room went strange . Something turned the lights off , and opened the windows . It even raised a chair off the ground . The security guard looked worried for the first time . " For the last month , I have been searching for the person who killed Nigel Slater . You , sir , are Nigel Slater . But it seems your ghost hasn 't got the information you are alive . " But it didn 't work . By the time that the ambulance arrived , Nigel was in a deep coma . It took only a short time after that until the first homicide detective got there . But the truth is , it was fate . No ones fault . Except the murderer . After all , how can Nigel Slater 's ghost come into my dreams unless he is actually killed ? What happened next surprised me . The cops arrested me . Told me I was being held on suspicion of murder . I told them not to be idiots , but they wrote it in their notebooks and not their minds . By that point the clues would be getting stale , so I drove right to the company . But they wouldn 't let me in . it was a police investigation , they said . No dice . I called the FBI agent and asked him to run the full scan on Slater . By the time he had finished I would know every single family member . And all I had to do was interview them . The only clue left to me was Sigma . The company was closed for a few hours , but the managing director wasn 't . Again the FBI came to my rescue . They had the address , and I wasn 't afraid to use it . We walked up the garden path . It wasn 't the most luxurious house that a managing director had ever lived at . But I knocked on the door anyway . I walked in . Behold , the group was all there . The director of the FBI himself . The attorney general . And a four star general . I could feel the back of my assistant straightening up . The Managing Director pressed a button on the TV . It switched on . Nigel Slater 's office . I saw him pick up his glass . Put the chemicals in it . The MD fast forwarded . Nigel killed himself . " Oil . We got him to produce computer models . All the oil reserves . He was so great . . . well , he could produce a program that told us exactly where oil was , just from satellite images . " Just at that moment a dozen armed guards came into the room . Their guns were pointed right at me . I raised my hands , and was soon plunged into the carpet . They searched me . Didn 't find anything interesting . " Yeah . But I don 't think you did it . I don 't think you were that smart . But I don 't know what this being who calls himself Nigel Slater is , " I didn 't struggle . By now , them putting handcuffs on me was almost routine . I just wish I had been able to continue my life as a charlatan . I didn 't know what to say to that . it was true . it was obvious when you think about it . Nigel had told me he was murdered when he was still alive . but no one ever said the soul was bound to the arrow of time . Within a few minutes we had picked up an escort . From what I could tell , they had closed the road down . Only we were travelling that evening . I gulped . It looked like things were just about to head for the worse . The trip to the Whitehouse was the most fraught I had experienced in my life . The director of the FBI was reading faxes and emails in the car . His face was getting more and more pale . " I guess like the English did in WWII . With disinformation . We need to get an Chinese agent and feed him bad info . And I guess Nigel might be your best hope for that . " I guess the FBI director caught on quickly . Because he could go anywhere , Nigel could listen to the Chinese chatter . He could find Chinese agents . Maybe he didn 't know Chinese , but he knew enough to listen in to the English language conversations . It wasn 't a new concept . The CIA had investigated it in the sixties . But they didn 't have a real life ghost , so their experiments failed . This time we had a real ghost . I asked them to pick out the Ouija board again . The séance room was a sight you had never seen in your life . The president and the director of the FBI holding hands , in a dark room . The president of the united states shook his head . You could tell he couldn 't believe what he was seeing . He got up from his seat , and you could almost hear his bones cracking . Over in the corner of the room I could see a computer with satellite images . I could watch the Chinese fleet mobilising in real time . The number of dots that represented aircraft carriers alone was scary . " It will only be a few days before we have to mobilise our own navy . " The wait was excruciating . But suddenly five hours latter , the board started spelling out a name . The FBI director went to work . Within minutes they had the file out . He didn 't look like what you would expect of a Chinese agent . He had long , blonde hair , was dressed in a respectable suit , and had a respectable job . He worked in the old navy base . His job was to work on the files , reading sensitive military information . Including information about resource allocation . Once they checked his bank account the truth became obvious . The FBI director stood up , and paced down the long thin corridor . Then he arrived back in the meeting room with a young woman . She was dressed in military uniform . He explained the plan . It was simple . The Chinese agent needed to think it had all been a hoax . But for that to work , he would have to eat a pack of lies . I wasn 't there , so I can report only what I have been told . The female agent I had been introduced to worked in the old navy headquarters . She worked in the files there . It is a room full of top secret papers . Room might be the wrong word ; it was the size of an aircraft hanger . She worked there , and had spent months being bored . So naturally , she had struck up a conversation with the handsome blonde military attaché . And , the conversation was reciprocated . The director of the FBI looked at her . She didn 't look like much to put the freedom of the world onto . But she was eager . And after being told what to do , she didn 't complain . She saluted . I stood at the back of the room , watching the Director of the FBI feeling out the officer , and knew I would have to talk to Nigel alone . I didn 't trust her . She looked too good to be true with her starched uniform and willing smile . The new agent went into a staff car , to be driven to the headquarters . She looked very lonely in the back of the car . Meanwhile , we walked to the operations room . There was a banks of monitors the length of the room . We could see satellite images of the build up of the Chinese fleet , as well as real time updates of our spies . I nodded . Then looked back over to the screens . I could see our agent depositing the papers in her draw . She phoned up the Chinese agent , and set up dinner . It looked like a glorious feast . Roast duck , with all the trimmings . The doorbell went . She walked over to it , and opened it . She said something , and the Chinese agent walked into the room . After ten minutes of conversation , she walked away . To go to the toilet . He walked over to the draws , and started rummaging . After a few minutes he found the file our agent had left . He took out the smallest camera you have ever seen , and clicked the image . After that , he put the files away . After he left , the confirmation came thick and fast . The Chinese fleet disbanded . It was amazing to see , but they split up within a matter of hours . Soon the sea around Taiwan was empty except for commercial shipping . I guess that if this had been a story that would be it . I would have been given a party , a celebration , and been allowed to leave . After all , I had saved the day . Well , Nigel did leave . I haven 't heard from him since . After they had finished celebrating , a guard collected me , and drove me in a prison van to here . It is a cold concrete cell . I am allowed a TV , and to write carefully vetted letters . I 'm not sure how I will post this , my story . Maybe I will write it under the postage stamp . I guess for an old crook like me , it is fair . But I wish I had been sent to jail for something I did . And not for some trumped up terrorist charge . Currently we only offer payment for one story selected as the feature story in the monthly pdf magazine only . The successful author will be contacted to organise payment via paypal for a $ 5AUD payment . 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The ship swayed and creaked . He feels every bit of it in his body . Taking no chances the crew , damnedable pirates , have chained him with no give . Legs bound in a kneeling position , arms chained to either wall crucifying him to the ship like a perverse figurehead , he 's been their captive long enough to have forgotten the feel of kindness . It is a small blessing that their fear of him keeps his gag in place at all times . It keeps them from coming anywhere near him . The captain learned a long time ago that he gleans all he needs to live from the moisture in the air , the brine in his eyes . During storms , when he is strongest , the captain posts guards with him . They don 't look at him . A terrible hope fills him today . By the movement of the ship and the crew 's curses , he knows that they 're being pursued by another ship . This ship is a runner , fast . There 'd be little concern of capture if the ship did not gain its quickness from being light , gain its lightness from having little room for armaments or supplies . The pursuers have had them going for a week now and they 'd been out of port for at least a month . He knows from the panic in the crew that the food is all but gone . Soon they 'll be too weak to load what small guns are aboard . He 'd be surprised if they could remember how to sight the cannons it 's been so long since the captain has ordered them used . His hope stems from the pirates ' desperation . If they succumb to practicality then they 'll come for him . With frightened hearts and shaking hands , they 'll undo his chains and he 'll get to spend some time under the sky instead of under foot . So he waits for their desperation to bloom practicality . It does not take long . The first mate comes with three guards and the keys . It is always the first mate that comes to get him . The captain coming himself would make him a person that the captain fears , he wouldn 't last long once that got out among the crew . The first mate is the only one he trusts with the keys to his chains . " The captain wants to see you . " He speaks with a unique accent that comes with the ship 's pidgin of French , Spanish , and Greek . His ears hear the gibberish , but his mind provides him with the meaning . Slowly , they unchain his arms from the ship and secure them behind his back . The guards are afraid to touch him , unsure whether he 'll break or they 'll be infected with something . It strikes him as odd how religious some of these men are . Coming onto the deck , sea spray hits him in the face , covers his bare chest . He instantly feels more alive . He stands taller , muscles flex , the chains bite into his skin . They take him to the captain , standing at the aft of the ship . He stands beside the captain looking out at the wide ocean , the only thing marring their perfect view of the horizon the pursuers . The first mate and guards fold themselves into the three other men standing around them . The captain just stands there for a few minutes , ignoring him . This too is done to show the crew he will do this in his own time , to show that the man he keeps below decks does not frighten him . Around the gag , behind the locked mouth plate , he smiles . Only he and the captain know what he is , and he knows that the captain is frightened of that . " I have use of you . " From under his coat he draws out the key that only he is allowed to keep . He inserts into lock for the face plate . " If you hurt this ship my men will stab you and you will die before you can swim for freedom . Like always , yeah ? " He nods . It 's always the same threat . It vaguely occurs to him that this is only a half life . But then , the spirits would kill for half a life . The plate falls away and he spits the wooden wedge from his mouth . His tongue sticks out , tasting the salt in the air . He flexes his jaw , taking in the blue sky , the white clouds , the gentle waves . He smiles at the captain . Other than the crew 's swords there is very little compelling him . Finally , the captain 's annoyance at the delay shows on his face . He focuses on ship on the horizon . He tries not to think of the men on the ship . He knows he will have to answer for his actions one day , but he 's trying to postpone that day for as long as possible . " I 'm fine . Sorry . " The cabby 's eyes dart from the road to the rearview mirror and back . " I 'm good . I 'm okay . " The cabby 's eyes return to the road and stay there , Lawrence was prepared to keep reassuring him for the rest of the drive as long as he didn 't take his eyes off the road . " That jetlag 's a bitch , isn 't it ? " " Yeah , jetlag . " He doesn 't really feel like talking so he looks out the window . What he sees unsettles him so much that he almost closes his eyes again . Outside the cab desert stretched on for miles . When he 'd met the cabby at the airport he 'd been fine . They 'd been in the middle of a city . He preferred the buildings and people to the endless dry expanse . He tried to think of it as a sea of earth but it just made him queasy . He can 't help it , he closes his eyes . " We 're almost there , " the cabby rouses him . " If I 'd of known I wouldn 't have let you sleep at all . You wouldn 't believe how many people fall asleep in my cab from the airport . " The cabby keeps up a steady stream of chitchat for the next few minutes . Lawrence doesn 't say much , but he 's glad for the distraction . " Here we go , buddy . " He pulls up in front of an independent diner . Lawrence can tell the sign was made with care when it was painted , years in the desert sun has faded it badly . " They got good food here ? " " I don 't know . This is my first time here . " He pays the fare and steps out of the air - conditioned interior . His lips are immediately dry and cracked . The heat cuts him to the core as fast as it dried his lips , the urge to speak rises in him . He needs to escape this heat , he 's drowning in dryness . He rushes inside hoping that they 'll have air - conditioning . No such luck . The interior of the restaurant is as faded as the exterior . He seats himself , impatiently tapping his foot waiting for the waitress . He can hear the sound of the wind . Not the dry , lifeless wind of the desert , but the damp , alive wind of the storm . It 's calling to him , begging him to call out . He licks his lips with a tongue he can barely feel . He can 't help himself , the desert is antithesis for him . Why had he decided to come here ? To satisfy some adolescent curiosity ? He takes one long , shuttering breath . " The special , two of them , just bring me a pitcher of water . " His throat feels so dry . He has to speak now before he loses his chance . " Hmph ! " With blurry vision he watches her flounce back to the kitchen . He grabs the edge of the table to steady himself . He 's clenching his jaw by the time she comes back with a glass for him . He swallows half of it . The cool liquid fills him , calming him . Vision clears , hands stop shaking , the urge lessening . The torrent of wind in his ears shifts to a gentle breeze . How close had he come ? The waitress turns to leave again , he grabs her arm . " Can I get you anything else ? " She says it in such a way that makes Lawrence wonder if it 's actually a question . She tired of him he can tell . She 's too used to bullying the locals . He doesn 't trying to be nice to her , he just takes out a fifty and lays it on the table . " This is your tip if you keep bringing me pitchers of water . " Her eyes gleam slightly as she stares at the bill on the table . Slowly she puts the pitcher on the table . " Thank you . " He drains the rest of his glass and pours another . He finishes this one in three huge gulps . He doesn 't feel as trapped now , his breathing has evened out . He fills the glass a third time , finishing off the pitcher , but only sips this one . A couple minutes pass , the waitress brings his two specials and another pitcher . Lawrence only picks at his food . Between the desert and the age of the equipment in the diner the food is completely dry . Mainly he just cuts up the food and moves it around on his plate . Mainly he watches the people in the restaurant . He immediately discounts his waitress . Seeing her move around the diner , speaking with her , she 's spent most of her life trying to get away from this place . It 's a pity that she 'd never really feel like she belongs anywhere . An old man sits in another booth . He is weathered , his countenance telling the story of a life in the desert . Despite the heat of the day he 's drinking coffee . Lawrence would have considered him a likely candidate if his research didn 't tell him he is looking for someone younger . Besides the old man doesn 't look like he belongs here , only that he 's gotten used to living here . It 's an old style diner setup , so Lawrence can see the cook behind the half wall separating the kitchen from the dining area . Cook would be a wonderful job for who he 's looking for . The heat rising from the stove providing a fix for the cravings while at work . Though nothing compared to the natural heat of the desert it would do while at work . Unfortunately the cook is wearing a sleeveless shirt that 's plastered to his body with sweat . Lawrence 's heart falls . He 's not close enough to the cook to pick up a flow from him , but the fact that he 's sweating tells him all he needs to know . It 's possible his sources were wrong . It 's not easy to track a Bearer . The burden / gift they bear making it too hard to get a fix on them . He 's about to get up , throwing the contents of his glass down his throat , when the kitchen door swings open and a young man steps through . Lawrence puts his cup down and watches him . Something in the way he moves is different . Somehow his movements come off as light , almost bouncy . Even just clearing dishes from tables , his movements are quick , precise . He wears a t - shirt , jeans , and boots , all are cheap , but he still has an air of status . Lawrence notes that he 's not sweating . He looks up , checking for more stray dishes . Lawrence motions him over . " You finished with this , mister ? " Lawrence inhales and catches the scent of aged stone . " Sorry , mister , I 'm just here for the dishes . You 'll want to try Craiper St . around ten tonight . " He grabs a plate , Lawrence grabs his wrist . Sun … Heat … Dry … Sand … Lawrence pulls his hand away , palm red . Perspiration stands out on the young man 's brow now , fear in his eyes . He slides into the booth across from Lawrence . Lawrence pours another glass of water and waits for the boy to say something . " I 'm on break ! " She throws up her hands and goes back into the kitchen . Tito smiles at Lawrence . " Let 's go outside . " Lawrence downs his water and follows him out and around the diner . " I 'm Benjamin Fuller , but everyone calls me , Tito . Now who the hell are you ? " It 's a fair question . If he doesn 't know what he is then he 's probably really freaked out . Lawrence can 't blame him , he 's been there . " Ha , not likely , man . " Tito looks skeptical , very skeptical . There 's at least fifteen years between them . And while Tito isn 't a full blooded Mexican , Lawrence can tell at least one of his parents is , while Lawrence couldn 't be more white without being an albino . It 's hard to believe . " I don 't mean biologically . I mean spiritually . " Tito 's face is instantly serious . " You can feel it , can 't you ? That subtle , tickling at the back of your brain that makes you feel like you know me , even while at your core I unsettle you . " " Yes . " Tito looks so relieved that it breaks Lawrence 's heart . He knows what it 's like to finally have this explained . Lawrence had spent three years in a mental hospital trying to deal by himself . Tito is a strong young man . " Where is there open desert ? " Tito points down an alley . Lawrence starts walking , Tito doesn 't need to be told to follow , he falls into step next to Lawrence careful not to touch him . They come out the other end of the alley seeing open land . For Lawrence it 's as close to nothing as he ever wants to get . Longing fills Tito 's eyes . " I want to share something with you . Watch out there . " Lawrence takes a deep breath and centers himself . The urge to speak has been growing since they stepped out of the diner , the dryness creeping in to all his dark places . Tito 's hands fly up to cover his ears . " Ah ! What the hell ? " FLASH ! BOOM ! The thunder cuts off any further curses . Tito 's gaze is drawn out to the desert , where black storm clouds have formed out of nowhere . The fear is back in his eyes , he retreats till his back hits the wall to the building . " What have you done ? " " I spoke my Word . We 're Word Bearers , Tito . You have your own . Can you feel it ? Deep in core . " Lawrence can see he 's confused . He 's frightened , overwhelmed . FLASHBOOM ! " You can stop this , Tito . Go ahead . Say your Word . I want to hear it . " " I don 't … I 'm not sure . " Confusion and fear war on Tito 's face . Lawrence hopes he won 't run . He didn 't mean to scare the boy . " Of course you 're sure . You 've known it for centuries , you just haven 't spoken it yet . It 's okay . I 'm here with you . " His first step is hesitant , his second is firm , his third is confident . Lawrence realizes he 's holding his breath . Tito looks up at him , he nods . Tito fixes his gaze on the storm . " " There it is . It 's as quiet as Lawrence 's Word is loud , but no less powerful . It 's so beautiful . As Lawrence watches the storm clouds dissipate a tear rolls down his cheek . 2 Dad suffered even from a sight of blood , and he never killed a hen nor slaughtered a pig . But I was aware that once he had donated his blood in the name of my Mum still , because she 'd had a narrow escape on an operating table then . With me a doctor would have my blood tested in a moment : one , two and it 's done . But first they make you ready for rather a time : take a seat , then have a proper finger chosen , though it is always just the one , then they wipe it with spirits until take somewhat sharp like a mini - scalpel . Not everyone can stand the procedure , but I was not against it when a doctor suggested me having my blood tested . She was a likable one , youngish for her age , not married or divorced , probably . And she had no child , I felt it immediately , she had such a look , barren if you want . Possibly for health reasons she could not bear a child or she didn 't find a right man . Or she could have a particular blood group not to have a child with anyone , that 's why she employed at a doctor 's consulting room to make blood tests . And she urged me to have my blood tested . At first I didn 't mind it , the right thing it is , still she didn 't ask my permission . " Just let 's have your blood tested " , she said and left me . She had many things to do I suppose . In doctor 's smocks they walked hither and thither all the time at a clinic there talking over the heads of those waiting , as if one was dead already . And I was still alive and a nurse was preparing to have my blood tested . While she got me ready she was chattering . She said that men were afraid of blood testing nowadays . More and more they refused to do it and ran away sometimes seeing a drop of blood . And one had nothing to fear , there was a couch behind the curtain in a special emergency to lie low , in case one fainted . She pulled the white curtain aside and showed me a couch with dark green leatherette and I shivered all at once : what for they needed my blood ? She suggested me taking off a jacket and rolling up my sleeve , left or right one , I don 't rMy Bio : Mr . Valery Petrovskiy is a journalist and short story writer from Russia . Не is an English Department graduate at Chuvash State University , Cheboksary , graduated in journalism at VKSch Higher School , Moscow and in psychology at Kazan State Technology University . He has been writing prose since 2005 . Some of his writing has been published in The Scrambler , Rusty Typer , BRICKrethoric , NAP Magazine , Literary Burlesque , The Other Room , Curbside Quotidian , DANSE MACABRE , WidowMoon Press , PRIME MINCER , Apocrypha and Abstractions , The Legendary in the USA , and in Australian " Skive " and " Going Down Swinging " magazines . At the moment he is writer - in - residence at Marco Polo Art Mag . It 's dark in here . That 's because I live at the bottom of the jewellery box along with the other outcasts : the tangled necklace with the broken lobster claw and teddy pendant she got for her eleventh birthday , along with the bracelet that 's missing a couple of gem stones . She always says she will have them repaired but never does , preferring to spend the money on more fashionable pieces instead that imitate Asian and Oriental designs . An untrained eye might imagine that they were found by a back - packer on their travels , but they weren 't . They can be bought from any shop on the high - street , and are merely echoes of worlds she 's never seen . Not all of us down here are broken though . I 'm not , and neither is the engagement ring she got from Mark , ( who eventually cheated on her with Shannon from Reception , ) or the belly bar she took out when she put weight on and decided looked too young for her anyway . The ones at the top who get worn more often pity us , ( ' how boring it must be , ' they say to each other in whispers they think we can 't hear , ' being cooped up down there , month in , month out , ' ) but in a way they 're jealous . As I 've said , you could buy them in their hundreds if you wanted to , and they are without sentimental value like the childhood necklace or the belly bar that reminds her of her wild teens and early twenties . They 're easily replaced and she gives them away when they become outdated - or chucks them if even her younger sister and the charity shops say no , thanks . She doesn 't like Mark 's ring or me , so it isn 't often that her fingers dig through the chunky bangles and strings of beads to bring me to the surface . It happens maybe three or four times a year when she has arranged to visit The Matriarch . The ring doesn 't even get a look in . Why Mark wouldn 't let her give it back to him so that he could give it to someone he did love is beyond us ; at least that way it would have been enjoyed . All the same , seeing as I 'm an heirloom and the ring is eighteen carat white goPerhaps you imagine I get bitter when the voices of the favoured ones float above my head , chattering away about their ventures out of the box : days at work , dinners , dates , parties and who was there , who wasn 't there , what she wore … you get the drift . Or worse , maybe you feel sorry for me . I 'd rather you didn 't . Pity the rest but not me . I 'm not so keen on their weight pressing down on me but I don 't mind the dark . In fact I quite like it . It reminds me of home , my real one , from before I met people . As for being bitter , you can rule that out . I 'm a pearl , darling ; it 's not in my nature . You lot have seen me as a symbol of love for thousands of years and I do try to live up to my name by being kind - although I cannot help but wince sometimes at the irony , given that the first person I ever met died . Don 't look at me like that ; it wasn 't my fault . But that 's why she doesn 't like me . All the same , when you 've being kept in a family for over a century you do take an interest in your present owner , even if it 's not reciprocated , so I enjoy listening to the young ones ' gossip . Let them have their fun while they still can . The best they can hope for is a place in a child 's dressing - up box in just a few , short years so they might as well enjoy it . 2 . Memories . I might be old - fashioned and be from a past that she and you would rather forget , but I 'm not like your kind . I will endure and outlive the others , her - even you . And I never forget . My memory doesn 't grow weak with age , it gets stronger . I can still smell what my home was like ; still feel the movements of the person who found me when he panicked and rushed too quickly to the top , and the urgent , grasping hand of the first , but different person to ever touch me , as though I 'd only stopped smelling and feeling them a minute ago . The memories of my owners and the events in their lives play like the films you are so fond of ; the moment when her grandfather proposed to her grandmother , and the christening of her mother , they are a3 . Before she grew up . I suppose you think it strange that her grandmother , ( or The Matriarch as she jokingly calls her , ) skipped a generation and gave me to someone who doesn 't like me , but it never used to be this way . When she was little and used to visit her grandmother she would ask , ( very politely after giving her a peck on the cheek , ) if she could play with her jewellery box . The answer was always yes , and she would very carefully hunt through the diamonds and gold to find me , pin me to her jumper and wear me for the rest of the time she was there . It became something of a ritual , to the point where her grandmother began to pick me out herself and would put me on the coffee table ready for when she arrived . When she was eighteen , The Matriarch had a heart attack , and fearing that she would never leave hospital , insisted on the girl 's mother driving for two hours to get me , so that she could give me to her personally before it was too late . They were very close , and still are in spite of the distance , for she survived against all the odds . Whenever she goes to see her she always comments on how lovely it is , seeing her granddaughter all grown up , wearing her old brooch that 's always been her favourite . And I was for a time . Traditionally I was only worn for a special or significant occasion , but when she was at college I had the strange but enjoyable experience of being put in her pocket and going with her , and if she felt nervous about something her fingers would slide down to stroke me . Normally I hated people manhandling me , but I didn 't mind in her case - it was better than her biting her nails . It was almost as if she thought that having me with her would stop something bad happening - and I have been viewed as ' lucky . ' Stop sniggering , it 's true . In the days of knights and sword - fighting , we would be worn when the rich and noble went into battle because they thought we would protect them from harm , so don 't laugh at her . It felt good , being wanted , and I have to confess I came in danger You don 't like being reminded of your past - those days of glory when Britain ruled half the world . I think that 's why you apologise so much , and give more than you can afford to charities trying to save the poor and starving around the globe . It 's almost as though you 're trying to make up for all the wrongs done before you were born . And I 've tried to avoid talking about it in case you ran away - I get lonely sometimes and it 's nice having someone to talk to . But you can 't run forever , things have to be faced eventually . Some of you may already know and may already be trying to shut out the sound of my words by turning your thoughts to the plans you 've made for the weekend , but there 'll be a lot of you who don 't . There are lots of happy anecdotes from my owners ' lives I could have told you but this is the one you need to hear : My story . We are not like your kind , but there is one thing we have in common : just as you can 't remember coming out of the womb , we don 't know what it was like being a grain of sand or piece of shell squeezing our way inside an oyster and hardening ; all I remember is being . There were no thoughts , for when you live inside a shell there isn 't a great deal to think about - nothing happens . That probably sounds dull to you but there was no sadness , no pain or death . It was peaceful , just being . I didn 't know this at the time but even nothing has to come to an end eventually : the day would always have come when I would be found . It will be hard for you to understand what it was like being taken out of water , hearing sounds , seeing colours and light - all for the first time . On paper it sounds great , this explosion of life , but the reality was frightening - and even fear was something I had never heard of or felt before . Maybe that 's why your newborns usually cry when they come out , because they 're scared and want to go back . I 'm trying to think of ways to describe how it was to you , and the only way I can think of is for you to imagine an ancient Egyptian being placed in the middle of a supermarket . That might give you a better idea , but even that doesn 't come close . I 've learnt a lot since then - ( I 've had to , I didn 't have any other choice - ) but there 's one thing I 've never been able to get my head around , and that is time . Your lives are ruled by clocks and diaries telling you when deadlines or birthdays are due , but when you have so much time whole years , even decades can pass you by . Forgive me then , if I am a little hazy on dates . What I can tell you is that I was brought to the surface in the late 1800s , which makes me special . There aren 't many of us that come from nature now . Most are made by man in bulk on farms . Things changed . You suddenly became concerned about human life and diving equipment got better . Both meant that the world 's poor no were no longer forced to hold their breaths for comments » I knew that someone important was going to walk into my life at 12 : 15 , just after I normally drink tea and prepare for an slow day working on the horoscope . Now , maybe you might not believe me . After all , I am a professional charlatan . But I knew something was up , because for the last two weeks every prediction I have made actually worked out . It started when I saw Mrs Henderson . She was a fat woman , an unpleasant woman , a great client . Like most people who wanted a reading , she didn 't want the truth . And normally I didn 't give it to her . I pulled out the equipment . It was a plain set . It looked like bone china , but was made in china for a very low price . Mrs Henderson looked impressed anyway . She had a lot of money , and not a lot of sense . Anyway , I started reading the information contained in the tea leafs . And then the world went blank . When I returned to the world , Mrs Henderson was gone . I walked out of the shop I had rented , and another of the shopkeepers came up to me . He was normally an quiet , amicable chap . This time he looked like he wanted to throttle me . " She came out of here . Howling and crying , like you 'd tried to kill her . " he put his face up to mine , " You ever do it again and I 'll . . " " I don 't know what you 're talking about , " and I backed away from him . He stalked off . I walked back to my shop , ready to wait for my next appointment . Mrs Abbot didn 't come . She left a nervous message on my answer phone . At the time I didn 't realise why . Because I had no other clients for the day , I went home . My mouth opened wide . It was such a shock , it seemed like I 'd just been told I was about to die . And then . Then I was in my bed , looking at the ceiling . The police officers had gone . But it felt more real than a dream . It must have been a dream . Yeah , that was what it was , I convinced myself . Although I should have known better . In Ireland you can make a full time living as a psychic . less so in England . The English wouldn 't even pay you if you could predict the lottery . So I also work as a pitchman . Which , if you think about it , is just another way to make a dishonest buck . I walked to the nearest boot sale , and set up . It isn 't too crowded in the morning . And everyone is busy . So I crawl in through the hedge . They don 't know that I 'm there against the rules . I set up . My table is old fashioned . A suitcase with legs you fold out . Like the true pitchmen of the 50 's . My pitch is the worm . They wiggle around my hand , like they are alive . The fools in the crowd gave me money . That is what they are for . She had the longest blondest hair this side of fairyland , and her smile lights up the room like a flashlight . And I knew I am meant to talk to her . Just now . She walked off . I had the sense she is in trouble . She was poorer than she used to be , her clothes were expensive , but last years fashion . I had a feeling I will meet her again . When I got there , there was Mrs Henderson and her husband . Their eyes were red . They had been crying . I couldn 't understand what they were there for . I managed to get them to leave . At first I thought that the gossip would help me . But the truth is , no one wants to go to a psychic that tells them the truth . Life is hard enough . You go to a psychic to hear lies . I made some money as a pitchman , so it didn 't affect me too much . But I kept on having bad dreams . I kept on seeing people I knew in them . Not just that , I saw how they died . Their pain . And I started to write down what I saw . In a book by my bedside cabinet . The extra time I had meant I was drinking more too . It was like I 'd been cursed . But the worst was the Christians . They decided that these dreams were inspired by Satan . They set up the picket line in front of my office . I started to think I should simply leave . On Wednesday , the cleaner came in . She was a nosy parker . And no mistake . Her husband had died a few years back , and she was interested in everything . While it 's not the way she put it , she was very interested in the diary . All the details of the different murders and deaths I 'd seen . All the factual details that no one else other than the murderer could know . She took it to the police , and they read it , and they got their warrant . I arrived back at the normal time , and nothing was different . The book was there . I didn 't notice the surveillance cameras . Not at all . They broke in that night . It wasn 't a dream . And I looked up to them bleary eyed , a gun pointing in my face , and swore . They dragged me towards the back of the car , and I noticed someone had decided to give the press warning . So it was very public . Once in , they took me right there . And kitted me out in fetching jail clothing , since I was still in pyjamas . This was the first time I was in jail , and I can tell you it is not as bad as some people say . There is an odd vinegar smell , hiding other bodily fluids . And it is never quiet . There is always shouting going on , and doors slammed . But it was no worse than some hotels I 've been in while performing . I looked across at my lawyer . Short , thin , balding and bored . The police officer had my diary in front of him . He picked it up . " In it , you 've got the details of dozens of murders . Information the police hasn 't released to the public . Information . . . dare I say it , in some cases that the police didn 't even know themselves . " And that was it . That was the full content of the interview . I was hustled off into the cell , and ended up waiting for days . In telephone conversations with friends , I knew the police were digging up my life . I was given a notebook , and a pen , and I continued to write down my dreams . I thought I might as well . The police would search my cell every now and again , and confiscate them . They even moved me to solitary . Made sure no one could be feeding me this information . Or , presumably , that I wasn 't ordering the killings . But the dreams continued . They were getting worse and worse . Every morning I woke up feeling like I had not slept . I guess at least things looked up , because they took me from prison . They drove me along country lanes , towards a building . I can 't tell you precisely where it was . It just looked like an old school to be honest . You 'd never have guessed it was an intelligence headquarters . They bundled me out into an empty building . You 've heard of the secret prisons . Well , they are true . They dressed me up in a uniform , tagged my ankle , and locked me in a cage . The only thing they gave me was some paper and a pen to write down my dreams . Sometimes people came to research me . They put me in scanners , and gave me all kinds of medical tests . The results were unsurprising . I was just a normal , healthy individual . And that was how it seemed I was destined to live for the rest of my life . Until I started to hear the voices . They were low . Just like someone was talking in the next room . Distant . And I couldn 't make them out . That night I was tossing and turning , and I heard someone shout out my name . I woke up . No one was there . Then I tried to get asleep again , and managed it . But the voice was insistent . Nothing answered me . The guards walked past my cell . But with the dreams and the voices , I was getting no sleep . It started to affect me so badly I would not even eat food . Within a few days I was exhausted . Mentally and physically drained . And I guess that is what the creatures wanted . Because soon they broke through . It 's hard to tell you how it felt . But if you have ever had a moment of shock , when you suddenly feel like you aren 't there , you 'll know . He said his name . And then the voice faded away . But I knew I had to do precisely what he told me . I 'd go mad otherwise . Maybe I was already mad . The opportunity came sooner than I expected . My handlers were getting anxious . I was producing less predictions than normal , and the federal conviction rate was plummeting through the floor . The handlers looked like model citizens . Dark suits , a man and a woman dressed formally , like they were lawyers . They flashed their badge to me . I don 't know why , the fact I was in a prison gave them away . The police officer fell back . You could see him working it through in his mind . Despite the success of my predictions , he settled on the conclusion I was mad . After all , psychic phenomena were impossible . He 'd read that once . I shook my head . But that night , I was thinking about it , and decided that I had to ask . Had to have a conversation , if only for my sanity . When the voices started up , I leaned forward in my bed . I asked the question again . But he would say nothing of use to me . he would only repeatedly ask me to find his killers . Not very useful . Eventually , I managed to coax his name from him . Nigel . Not a very good name for a joke . That was the strange thing . No murder victims of that name came up . Not any time soon . But a week later , a Nigel disappeared . And I realised the truth . I looked through the court reports . He had been killed by stabbing . They wouldn 't let me out of the jail . So all I could do was read the files they brought on him . And I got the feeling that many of the details had been redacted . it was like looking for a haystack in an elephant : messy and not very satisfactory . There were only two people I decided who could have done it . They both had a great deal to gain . At the end of the day , though , there is a limit to what you can do from inside a jail cell . The guards looked sceptically at me when I asked for it . But I was responsible for half the murder arrests in the district for the last six months . So they eventually gave me what I wanted . Especially when I refused to furnish them with any more information . I don 't know if you have ever been to a proper séance . Well , to be honest , most of the time the knocks are from the medium . But this time it was different . Within moments of the séance starting , I was aware that the room was colder . Then the entire board lifted off the table , and flew towards me . It hit the wall a few inches from my face . The room warmed up again . The presence was gone . For a little while . " I didn 't " I replied . I knew that he didn 't believe me . But he would have to show more senior people . And I knew they couldn 't afford to risk me . I went back to bed . For the first time in weeks , I had no bad dreams . I guess Nigel knew I understood his message . I slept very soundly . Until the next morning . But my guards didn 't really understand . Or they did not want to understand . My handler met me in the interview room the next morning . He looked tired . Besides him sat a man I hadn 't seen before . He wore the cleanest , most expensive suit I had seen during my stay at the states pleasure . The man stood up . He walked out of the room . Measured , and without menace . But he didn 't seem to be a man used to dealing with no . My handler shook his head . He didn 't need to tell me the consequences . All of a sudden , I was put on suicide watch . Woken up every thirty minutes to see if I wasn 't dead yet . The heating in my cell surprisingly broke . I knew I was in their hands totally . But I never realised what it was like to displease them . You see , Nigel might be a ghost , but that doesn 't mean he is stupid . He can see what is happening . He knows they are stopping me doing what he wants . And this gets him angry . They first times he acted , it looked like coincidence . The guards chair would tilt under him , depositing him on the floor . Or cups of coffee were not placed firmly enough on the table . The guards were spooked by me . They knew that I was able to see things they could not . But although the guards face became pale , his hand on the trigger was steady and firm . It was too late . The chair slammed into the guard . He dropped to the floor . Then I saw the guards keys float from his pocket . My cell door was unlocked . I walked over to the guard , stripped his clothes off , and changed into his uniform . I thought I didn 't have much of a choice . If I didn 't do what Nigel wanted he would kill me . Every door I came to slid open without me doing anything . It would have been creepy if I didn 't know what was happening . Soon the alarms started to ring out . People would be grabbing their guns , getting ready to shoot me . I could feel my heart trying to escape from my chest . I soon arrived at fire exit . It opened in front of me . I climbed down some steps . Below me , I could see coppers swarming . I continued to walk down . One of the coppers recognised me . I ran in the opposite direction . He took aim , and I could hear the gun explode behind me . But the bullet didn 't pierce my skin like I expected . Instead , it ended in the ground . I reached a police car , and the engine came on without anyone doing anything . Then I went into a store and bought black trousers and a white shirt . Got changed . And walked out of the shopping centre , expecting to be caught at any time . In my pocket there was five hundred dollars . That was all I had in the world , except for an insane ghost . I decided it was time to go to the library . After chatting to the librarian for a few seconds , she walked me over to a computer which had copies of the local papers for the last twenty years . I typed a search . At first I found nothing , but as I expanded the search back I found him . According to the interview , he was found murdered in his bed . He had been asleep . His wife had been charged and convicted of his murder . But she said she was innocent . Nothing came in response . I knew that would happen . It was too much to hope for . It was getting late at night . The librarian was fussing near me . It was time to go . When you are a fugitive , it isn 't as simple to find a place to stay as booking a room in a hotel . I walked round , looking for an empty house . It took me an hour . Occasionally a police car would go past . It made me nervous . At one time it would have been a posh bungalow . But whoever had owned it had been taken to a care home , and it was covered in weeds and neglect . I walked up to the door , and it swings open . That is one of the advantages of your own private poltergeist . Inside it was a mess . But dry and water proof . There was a wood burning stove in one room . The power was off , and Nigel didn 't turn it on . But the water was only off at the mains . It was easy enough to get it working again . In the morning I would have to start the process of searching for Nigel Slater . I knew roughly where he lived . I fell asleep , and woke up hungry and cramped . Outside , I could hear rustling . I peeked through the window , and could see a man dressed only in black . He looked like he was not very friendly . I ducked down , but he must have seen me . He edged towards the door . It was locked , but he slammed it open . I hid behind the sofa . it didn 't help . He walked towards me . I noticed he had a poker in his hand . There was no way he wouldn 't find me . I stood up . I looked over at him . He had a long scar down his face . it seemed like he was used to trouble . And he was straining to start a fight . I did what he said . He followed me . I thought he might hit me at any second . or recognise me . They must have put my picture out into the news by now . I sighed with relief , but knew that my location might be passed onto the police . I decided it was time to get out of the town . I caught a bus , and tried to hide my face . Since I hadn 't had a bath for a few days it was easier than you might think . People did not want to look me in the eyes . I arrived at Nigel 's house six hours latter . It was a solemn house . A plane front garden laid to grass , brick frontage , and white windows . It didn 't look like anyone had ever cared for it . It looked like it was a place to sleep and not to stay . It took me a few minutes to settle down , and watch the street . There was nothing extraordinary about it . A few people walked past , taking little interest in the stranger . After watching for half an hour , I knew there was little information here for me . Talking round the local shops I found out that Nigel had been a quiet man . Few people knew him , past his saying hello . he didn 't seem to have been involved in anything wrong . or indeed in anything at all . I decided that there could only really have been one source of trouble . He must have found out something at work . Something that made him worth more to someone dead than alive . I got some annual reports from his company and studied them . Amazing what is available on the internet these days . There was little of interest . I applied to work at Nigel 's company as a cleaner . it was a big risk . I supplied false references , and knew they would not check them for months . That 's the thing about cleaners . No one takes any notice . So I got the job , and examined the work place thoroughly . It looked like an office . The computers were always on . Once or twice I looked over the shoulder of someone working but it was all gobbledygook to me . To make it worse , I saw my face on the newspaper when I went for food . Sure , I looked a lot different now . I had grown longer hair , a beard , and was thinner . But it was still me . I grew suspicious of other people . Then came my big break . Several people were working in the office late . I overhead them speaking about a billion dollar deal . The company was getting bought out . I checked the internet , and there was something in the trade section . The routine was the same every day . But one of my colleagues had not turned up to work . So I was asked to clean the main office . I did so . But I did more than that , I broke into the file cabinets , and started reading company secrets . But that didn 't save me for long . The next day I arrived at work a few minutes earlier . Something told me that things were wrong . The security guard on the gate was new . He told me to go out to the bosses office . I walked into a small lab , and looked around . There was a window , and I tried to open it . In the distance I could see five police cars . The window wouldn 't open . There was only one way out . And I knew that by now , there would be police officers between me and the door . I looked round to find a chair . Then used it to break the window . The alarm went , and I slid through the empty hole . But I caught my shoulder on a shard of glass . I was bleeding . The police gave up their pretence . Dozens of sirens started up , heading towards the building . I ran through a green space . I knew that there was only one way out of the compound except the front gate . A hole in the fence I had noticed a few days earlier . But over head their was a helicopter . Although I ran like the wind , it wasn 't enough . I could hear the police men getting closer and closer . I turned around and saw two police officers . They both had guns pointed at me . I raised my hands , and they soon had me on the ground . I arrived at my destination a few hours latter . This time they were taking no chances . I arrived at a super maximum prison . Surrounded by barbed wire , dogs , and armed police officers it was obvious I 'd never get out . The next day the interrogation began . Again and Again . Asking me where I had gone . What I had done . I eventually broke down and told them everything . But that didn 't stop them continuing . Maybe what they were doing was no crime . But it was a form of torture . Eventually , the interrogations stopped . They gave me paper . They wanted to go back to how it used to be . But by that time I had got so angry , even when I did have a dream I kept it to myself . I wasn 't there . So all I can do is repeat the report that was made to me . No guarantee it is what happened . Apparently the director of the FBI had been having an extramarital affair . He was in bed that normal , and engaging in exercise at the same time . This was not expected , but what was even more unexpected was the windows opening wide . And the explosions of a gun . The director of the FBI 's gun . But I do know that it made the national news . The assistant director of the FBI resigned . And , to be frank , most of the people in the FBI did not care much about that . But it was fair warning . He didn 't seem to be exactly happy about what had happened . In fact , he stormed in to the visiting room , and let loose a barrage of swear words . I sat there passively , listening to him . When he calmed down sufficiently , he sat down . " Nigel was right . All he wants is his murderer found . But he isn 't going to stop . Not until that is done . Not even if he has to kill someone else to do it . " " No . I am not . Nigel is a threat to you . If you stand in the way , that is . He is a ghost . What can you do to get rid of him ? " The director of the FBI thought for a few seconds . An hour latter , a priest turned up with bell , book and candle . it didn 't work spectacularly . The power went off , the candle blew out , the bell rang , and the book was thrown across the room . The director gestured to the mirror and two toughs walked in . They carried some rope . They tied me to the chair , and lifted a cosh over their heads . Then all hell broke lose . The cosh swung back by itself . it raised into the air , and came down , laying out one of the thugs . The other caught me a glancing blow , but something unseen lifted him from the floor and threw him against the wall . " You have a choice . Director . Help find Nigel 's killer . Or , I think , Nigel will chase you down and gut you like a fish . " Eventually the Director settled down again . He sat in his chair , silently looking at me . I wasn 't a pretty picture . Thin , and in prison coveralls . I must have looked like a real criminal . They let me go that afternoon . Put me in a suit , and told me I was seconded to the FBI . I was even given my own agent . He was tall , thin , and looked every inch the government man . The agent shook his head . He gave nothing away . That was when I knew he wasn 't sent to help me . Just to keep an eye out on me . Nevertheless , I decided that I could use him . Like he wanted to use me . I looked over to him , and told him to get a warrant . We were going to search Nigel 's company . And read every damn bit of paper they had about Sigma . When we arrived at the door , they had their lawyer sorted out already . Someone must have leaked it . He looked like he had cost a lot of money . " I 'm afraid we have the right not to incriminate ourselves . We are asserting that right . Both as a company , and as individuals . So , no , you can ask any questions but we will not answer them . " I was surprised when I found the clue . It was something no one else would have noticed . A single envelope in the bin . It contained an address . I think Nigel must have been helping me . I was drawn to it . But the thing I noticed was the fact the address had a Sigma stamp . Once we were out of the building , I decided to break away from the FBI agent . I knew some things would work better on my own . it was easier said than done . When I tried to go for a walk that night , he insisted on staying right by me . Getting to the address was difficult . I didn 't have a car , I had to take the bus . Most of the journey there wasn 't even that . And it had began to rain . I must have looked odd , walking around town that late at night , soaked . In fact , I surprised no copper stopped me . " Good enough , " I said . Knowing I was lying as I said it . It wasn 't like it was my strong point . The expression on the coppers face showed he thought not either . He stood there behind me his mouth opened , as I shimmied the lock . it opened . I walked in . This was a mistake , I didn 't notice the small CCTV camera , the camera that was hidden in a plug socket . But it was sending my picture right up to the security office . I worked quickly , going up the stairs to the office . I don 't know what I had expected to see . But what I did see looked just like any other office . Even down to the half drunk cup of coffee . I woke up in the boot of a car . I could feel the engine running , and smell burning petrol . It was pick black . The car started off , bumping along the ground . Hitting me from side to side . My hands were tied behind my back . It was lucky I knew a little magic . I got the knot loose without much effort . Then I grovelled around the car to find something , anything that could help me . There was a wrench , which I picked up . I put the rope around my wrists , hiding the fact I was loose . And put the wrench in my pocket . The boot of the car swung open . One of the security guards lifted me out of the boot . He was covered in muscle . My mouth opened wide . That was the last thing I expected to hear . They marched me along the ground and I saw him for the first time . Nigel . Alive . Then the room went strange . Something turned the lights off , and opened the windows . It even raised a chair off the ground . The security guard looked worried for the first time . " For the last month , I have been searching for the person who killed Nigel Slater . You , sir , are Nigel Slater . But it seems your ghost hasn 't got the information you are alive . " But it didn 't work . By the time that the ambulance arrived , Nigel was in a deep coma . It took only a short time after that until the first homicide detective got there . But the truth is , it was fate . No ones fault . Except the murderer . After all , how can Nigel Slater 's ghost come into my dreams unless he is actually killed ? What happened next surprised me . The cops arrested me . Told me I was being held on suspicion of murder . I told them not to be idiots , but they wrote it in their notebooks and not their minds . By that point the clues would be getting stale , so I drove right to the company . But they wouldn 't let me in . it was a police investigation , they said . No dice . I called the FBI agent and asked him to run the full scan on Slater . By the time he had finished I would know every single family member . And all I had to do was interview them . The only clue left to me was Sigma . The company was closed for a few hours , but the managing director wasn 't . Again the FBI came to my rescue . They had the address , and I wasn 't afraid to use it . We walked up the garden path . It wasn 't the most luxurious house that a managing director had ever lived at . But I knocked on the door anyway . I walked in . Behold , the group was all there . The director of the FBI himself . The attorney general . And a four star general . I could feel the back of my assistant straightening up . The Managing Director pressed a button on the TV . It switched on . Nigel Slater 's office . I saw him pick up his glass . Put the chemicals in it . The MD fast forwarded . Nigel killed himself . " Oil . We got him to produce computer models . All the oil reserves . He was so great . . . well , he could produce a program that told us exactly where oil was , just from satellite images . " Just at that moment a dozen armed guards came into the room . Their guns were pointed right at me . I raised my hands , and was soon plunged into the carpet . They searched me . Didn 't find anything interesting . " Yeah . But I don 't think you did it . I don 't think you were that smart . But I don 't know what this being who calls himself Nigel Slater is , " I didn 't struggle . By now , them putting handcuffs on me was almost routine . I just wish I had been able to continue my life as a charlatan . I didn 't know what to say to that . it was true . it was obvious when you think about it . Nigel had told me he was murdered when he was still alive . but no one ever said the soul was bound to the arrow of time . Within a few minutes we had picked up an escort . From what I could tell , they had closed the road down . Only we were travelling that evening . I gulped . It looked like things were just about to head for the worse . The trip to the Whitehouse was the most fraught I had experienced in my life . The director of the FBI was reading faxes and emails in the car . His face was getting more and more pale . " I guess like the English did in WWII . With disinformation . We need to get an Chinese agent and feed him bad info . And I guess Nigel might be your best hope for that . " I guess the FBI director caught on quickly . Because he could go anywhere , Nigel could listen to the Chinese chatter . He could find Chinese agents . Maybe he didn 't know Chinese , but he knew enough to listen in to the English language conversations . It wasn 't a new concept . The CIA had investigated it in the sixties . But they didn 't have a real life ghost , so their experiments failed . This time we had a real ghost . I asked them to pick out the Ouija board again . The séance room was a sight you had never seen in your life . The president and the director of the FBI holding hands , in a dark room . The president of the united states shook his head . You could tell he couldn 't believe what he was seeing . He got up from his seat , and you could almost hear his bones cracking . Over in the corner of the room I could see a computer with satellite images . I could watch the Chinese fleet mobilising in real time . The number of dots that represented aircraft carriers alone was scary . " It will only be a few days before we have to mobilise our own navy . " The wait was excruciating . But suddenly five hours latter , the board started spelling out a name . The FBI director went to work . Within minutes they had the file out . He didn 't look like what you would expect of a Chinese agent . He had long , blonde hair , was dressed in a respectable suit , and had a respectable job . He worked in the old navy base . His job was to work on the files , reading sensitive military information . Including information about resource allocation . Once they checked his bank account the truth became obvious . The FBI director stood up , and paced down the long thin corridor . Then he arrived back in the meeting room with a young woman . She was dressed in military uniform . He explained the plan . It was simple . The Chinese agent needed to think it had all been a hoax . But for that to work , he would have to eat a pack of lies . I wasn 't there , so I can report only what I have been told . The female agent I had been introduced to worked in the old navy headquarters . She worked in the files there . It is a room full of top secret papers . Room might be the wrong word ; it was the size of an aircraft hanger . She worked there , and had spent months being bored . So naturally , she had struck up a conversation with the handsome blonde military attaché . And , the conversation was reciprocated . The director of the FBI looked at her . She didn 't look like much to put the freedom of the world onto . But she was eager . And after being told what to do , she didn 't complain . She saluted . I stood at the back of the room , watching the Director of the FBI feeling out the officer , and knew I would have to talk to Nigel alone . I didn 't trust her . She looked too good to be true with her starched uniform and willing smile . The new agent went into a staff car , to be driven to the headquarters . She looked very lonely in the back of the car . Meanwhile , we walked to the operations room . There was a banks of monitors the length of the room . We could see satellite images of the build up of the Chinese fleet , as well as real time updates of our spies . I nodded . Then looked back over to the screens . I could see our agent depositing the papers in her draw . She phoned up the Chinese agent , and set up dinner . It looked like a glorious feast . Roast duck , with all the trimmings . The doorbell went . She walked over to it , and opened it . She said something , and the Chinese agent walked into the room . After ten minutes of conversation , she walked away . To go to the toilet . He walked over to the draws , and started rummaging . After a few minutes he found the file our agent had left . He took out the smallest camera you have ever seen , and clicked the image . After that , he put the files away . After he left , the confirmation came thick and fast . The Chinese fleet disbanded . It was amazing to see , but they split up within a matter of hours . Soon the sea around Taiwan was empty except for commercial shipping . I guess that if this had been a story that would be it . I would have been given a party , a celebration , and been allowed to leave . After all , I had saved the day . Well , Nigel did leave . I haven 't heard from him since . After they had finished celebrating , a guard collected me , and drove me in a prison van to here . It is a cold concrete cell . I am allowed a TV , and to write carefully vetted letters . I 'm not sure how I will post this , my story . Maybe I will write it under the postage stamp . I guess for an old crook like me , it is fair . But I wish I had been sent to jail for something I did . And not for some trumped up terrorist charge . Currently we only offer payment for one story selected as the feature story in the monthly pdf magazine only . The successful author will be contacted to organise payment via paypal for a $ 5AUD payment . 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The ship swayed and creaked . He feels every bit of it in his body . Taking no chances the crew , damnedable pirates , have chained him with no give . Legs bound in a kneeling position , arms chained to either wall crucifying him to the ship like a perverse figurehead , he 's been their captive long enough to have forgotten the feel of kindness . It is a small blessing that their fear of him keeps his gag in place at all times . It keeps them from coming anywhere near him . The captain learned a long time ago that he gleans all he needs to live from the moisture in the air , the brine in his eyes . During storms , when he is strongest , the captain posts guards with him . They don 't look at him . A terrible hope fills him today . By the movement of the ship and the crew 's curses , he knows that they 're being pursued by another ship . This ship is a runner , fast . There 'd be little concern of capture if the ship did not gain its quickness from being light , gain its lightness from having little room for armaments or supplies . The pursuers have had them going for a week now and they 'd been out of port for at least a month . He knows from the panic in the crew that the food is all but gone . Soon they 'll be too weak to load what small guns are aboard . He 'd be surprised if they could remember how to sight the cannons it 's been so long since the captain has ordered them used . His hope stems from the pirates ' desperation . If they succumb to practicality then they 'll come for him . With frightened hearts and shaking hands , they 'll undo his chains and he 'll get to spend some time under the sky instead of under foot . So he waits for their desperation to bloom practicality . It does not take long . The first mate comes with three guards and the keys . It is always the first mate that comes to get him . The captain coming himself would make him a person that the captain fears , he wouldn 't last long once that got out among the crew . The first mate is the only one he trusts with the keys to his chains . " The captain wants to see you . " He speaks with a unique accent that comes with the ship 's pidgin of French , Spanish , and Greek . His ears hear the gibberish , but his mind provides him with the meaning . Slowly , they unchain his arms from the ship and secure them behind his back . The guards are afraid to touch him , unsure whether he 'll break or they 'll be infected with something . It strikes him as odd how religious some of these men are . Coming onto the deck , sea spray hits him in the face , covers his bare chest . He instantly feels more alive . He stands taller , muscles flex , the chains bite into his skin . They take him to the captain , standing at the aft of the ship . He stands beside the captain looking out at the wide ocean , the only thing marring their perfect view of the horizon the pursuers . The first mate and guards fold themselves into the three other men standing around them . The captain just stands there for a few minutes , ignoring him . This too is done to show the crew he will do this in his own time , to show that the man he keeps below decks does not frighten him . Around the gag , behind the locked mouth plate , he smiles . Only he and the captain know what he is , and he knows that the captain is frightened of that . " I have use of you . " From under his coat he draws out the key that only he is allowed to keep . He inserts into lock for the face plate . " If you hurt this ship my men will stab you and you will die before you can swim for freedom . Like always , yeah ? " He nods . It 's always the same threat . It vaguely occurs to him that this is only a half life . But then , the spirits would kill for half a life . The plate falls away and he spits the wooden wedge from his mouth . His tongue sticks out , tasting the salt in the air . He flexes his jaw , taking in the blue sky , the white clouds , the gentle waves . He smiles at the captain . Other than the crew 's swords there is very little compelling him . Finally , the captain 's annoyance at the delay shows on his face . He focuses on ship on the horizon . He tries not to think of the men on the ship . He knows he will have to answer for his actions one day , but he 's trying to postpone that day for as long as possible . " I 'm fine . Sorry . " The cabby 's eyes dart from the road to the rearview mirror and back . " I 'm good . I 'm okay . " The cabby 's eyes return to the road and stay there , Lawrence was prepared to keep reassuring him for the rest of the drive as long as he didn 't take his eyes off the road . " That jetlag 's a bitch , isn 't it ? " " Yeah , jetlag . " He doesn 't really feel like talking so he looks out the window . What he sees unsettles him so much that he almost closes his eyes again . Outside the cab desert stretched on for miles . When he 'd met the cabby at the airport he 'd been fine . They 'd been in the middle of a city . He preferred the buildings and people to the endless dry expanse . He tried to think of it as a sea of earth but it just made him queasy . He can 't help it , he closes his eyes . " We 're almost there , " the cabby rouses him . " If I 'd of known I wouldn 't have let you sleep at all . You wouldn 't believe how many people fall asleep in my cab from the airport . " The cabby keeps up a steady stream of chitchat for the next few minutes . Lawrence doesn 't say much , but he 's glad for the distraction . " Here we go , buddy . " He pulls up in front of an independent diner . Lawrence can tell the sign was made with care when it was painted , years in the desert sun has faded it badly . " They got good food here ? " " I don 't know . This is my first time here . " He pays the fare and steps out of the air - conditioned interior . His lips are immediately dry and cracked . The heat cuts him to the core as fast as it dried his lips , the urge to speak rises in him . He needs to escape this heat , he 's drowning in dryness . He rushes inside hoping that they 'll have air - conditioning . No such luck . The interior of the restaurant is as faded as the exterior . He seats himself , impatiently tapping his foot waiting for the waitress . He can hear the sound of the wind . Not the dry , lifeless wind of the desert , but the damp , alive wind of the storm . It 's calling to him , begging him to call out . He licks his lips with a tongue he can barely feel . He can 't help himself , the desert is antithesis for him . Why had he decided to come here ? To satisfy some adolescent curiosity ? He takes one long , shuttering breath . " The special , two of them , just bring me a pitcher of water . " His throat feels so dry . He has to speak now before he loses his chance . " Hmph ! " With blurry vision he watches her flounce back to the kitchen . He grabs the edge of the table to steady himself . He 's clenching his jaw by the time she comes back with a glass for him . He swallows half of it . The cool liquid fills him , calming him . Vision clears , hands stop shaking , the urge lessening . The torrent of wind in his ears shifts to a gentle breeze . How close had he come ? The waitress turns to leave again , he grabs her arm . " Can I get you anything else ? " She says it in such a way that makes Lawrence wonder if it 's actually a question . She tired of him he can tell . She 's too used to bullying the locals . He doesn 't trying to be nice to her , he just takes out a fifty and lays it on the table . " This is your tip if you keep bringing me pitchers of water . " Her eyes gleam slightly as she stares at the bill on the table . Slowly she puts the pitcher on the table . " Thank you . " He drains the rest of his glass and pours another . He finishes this one in three huge gulps . He doesn 't feel as trapped now , his breathing has evened out . He fills the glass a third time , finishing off the pitcher , but only sips this one . A couple minutes pass , the waitress brings his two specials and another pitcher . Lawrence only picks at his food . Between the desert and the age of the equipment in the diner the food is completely dry . Mainly he just cuts up the food and moves it around on his plate . Mainly he watches the people in the restaurant . He immediately discounts his waitress . Seeing her move around the diner , speaking with her , she 's spent most of her life trying to get away from this place . It 's a pity that she 'd never really feel like she belongs anywhere . An old man sits in another booth . He is weathered , his countenance telling the story of a life in the desert . Despite the heat of the day he 's drinking coffee . Lawrence would have considered him a likely candidate if his research didn 't tell him he is looking for someone younger . Besides the old man doesn 't look like he belongs here , only that he 's gotten used to living here . It 's an old style diner setup , so Lawrence can see the cook behind the half wall separating the kitchen from the dining area . Cook would be a wonderful job for who he 's looking for . The heat rising from the stove providing a fix for the cravings while at work . Though nothing compared to the natural heat of the desert it would do while at work . Unfortunately the cook is wearing a sleeveless shirt that 's plastered to his body with sweat . Lawrence 's heart falls . He 's not close enough to the cook to pick up a flow from him , but the fact that he 's sweating tells him all he needs to know . It 's possible his sources were wrong . It 's not easy to track a Bearer . The burden / gift they bear making it too hard to get a fix on them . He 's about to get up , throwing the contents of his glass down his throat , when the kitchen door swings open and a young man steps through . Lawrence puts his cup down and watches him . Something in the way he moves is different . Somehow his movements come off as light , almost bouncy . Even just clearing dishes from tables , his movements are quick , precise . He wears a t - shirt , jeans , and boots , all are cheap , but he still has an air of status . Lawrence notes that he 's not sweating . He looks up , checking for more stray dishes . Lawrence motions him over . " You finished with this , mister ? " Lawrence inhales and catches the scent of aged stone . " Sorry , mister , I 'm just here for the dishes . You 'll want to try Craiper St . around ten tonight . " He grabs a plate , Lawrence grabs his wrist . Sun … Heat … Dry … Sand … Lawrence pulls his hand away , palm red . Perspiration stands out on the young man 's brow now , fear in his eyes . He slides into the booth across from Lawrence . Lawrence pours another glass of water and waits for the boy to say something . " I 'm on break ! " She throws up her hands and goes back into the kitchen . Tito smiles at Lawrence . " Let 's go outside . " Lawrence downs his water and follows him out and around the diner . " I 'm Benjamin Fuller , but everyone calls me , Tito . Now who the hell are you ? " It 's a fair question . If he doesn 't know what he is then he 's probably really freaked out . Lawrence can 't blame him , he 's been there . " Ha , not likely , man . " Tito looks skeptical , very skeptical . There 's at least fifteen years between them . And while Tito isn 't a full blooded Mexican , Lawrence can tell at least one of his parents is , while Lawrence couldn 't be more white without being an albino . It 's hard to believe . " I don 't mean biologically . I mean spiritually . " Tito 's face is instantly serious . " You can feel it , can 't you ? That subtle , tickling at the back of your brain that makes you feel like you know me , even while at your core I unsettle you . " " Yes . " Tito looks so relieved that it breaks Lawrence 's heart . He knows what it 's like to finally have this explained . Lawrence had spent three years in a mental hospital trying to deal by himself . Tito is a strong young man . " Where is there open desert ? " Tito points down an alley . Lawrence starts walking , Tito doesn 't need to be told to follow , he falls into step next to Lawrence careful not to touch him . They come out the other end of the alley seeing open land . For Lawrence it 's as close to nothing as he ever wants to get . Longing fills Tito 's eyes . " I want to share something with you . Watch out there . " Lawrence takes a deep breath and centers himself . The urge to speak has been growing since they stepped out of the diner , the dryness creeping in to all his dark places . Tito 's hands fly up to cover his ears . " Ah ! What the hell ? " FLASH ! BOOM ! The thunder cuts off any further curses . Tito 's gaze is drawn out to the desert , where black storm clouds have formed out of nowhere . The fear is back in his eyes , he retreats till his back hits the wall to the building . " What have you done ? " " I spoke my Word . We 're Word Bearers , Tito . You have your own . Can you feel it ? Deep in core . " Lawrence can see he 's confused . He 's frightened , overwhelmed . FLASHBOOM ! " You can stop this , Tito . Go ahead . Say your Word . I want to hear it . " " I don 't … I 'm not sure . " Confusion and fear war on Tito 's face . Lawrence hopes he won 't run . He didn 't mean to scare the boy . " Of course you 're sure . You 've known it for centuries , you just haven 't spoken it yet . It 's okay . I 'm here with you . " His first step is hesitant , his second is firm , his third is confident . Lawrence realizes he 's holding his breath . Tito looks up at him , he nods . Tito fixes his gaze on the storm . " " There it is . It 's as quiet as Lawrence 's Word is loud , but no less powerful . It 's so beautiful . As Lawrence watches the storm clouds dissipate a tear rolls down his cheek . 2 Dad suffered even from a sight of blood , and he never killed a hen nor slaughtered a pig . But I was aware that once he had donated his blood in the name of my Mum still , because she 'd had a narrow escape on an operating table then . With me a doctor would have my blood tested in a moment : one , two and it 's done . But first they make you ready for rather a time : take a seat , then have a proper finger chosen , though it is always just the one , then they wipe it with spirits until take somewhat sharp like a mini - scalpel . Not everyone can stand the procedure , but I was not against it when a doctor suggested me having my blood tested . She was a likable one , youngish for her age , not married or divorced , probably . And she had no child , I felt it immediately , she had such a look , barren if you want . Possibly for health reasons she could not bear a child or she didn 't find a right man . Or she could have a particular blood group not to have a child with anyone , that 's why she employed at a doctor 's consulting room to make blood tests . And she urged me to have my blood tested . At first I didn 't mind it , the right thing it is , still she didn 't ask my permission . " Just let 's have your blood tested " , she said and left me . She had many things to do I suppose . In doctor 's smocks they walked hither and thither all the time at a clinic there talking over the heads of those waiting , as if one was dead already . And I was still alive and a nurse was preparing to have my blood tested . While she got me ready she was chattering . She said that men were afraid of blood testing nowadays . More and more they refused to do it and ran away sometimes seeing a drop of blood . And one had nothing to fear , there was a couch behind the curtain in a special emergency to lie low , in case one fainted . She pulled the white curtain aside and showed me a couch with dark green leatherette and I shivered all at once : what for they needed my blood ? She suggested me taking off a jacket and rolling up my sleeve , left or right one , I don 't rMy Bio : Mr . Valery Petrovskiy is a journalist and short story writer from Russia . Не is an English Department graduate at Chuvash State University , Cheboksary , graduated in journalism at VKSch Higher School , Moscow and in psychology at Kazan State Technology University . He has been writing prose since 2005 . Some of his writing has been published in The Scrambler , Rusty Typer , BRICKrethoric , NAP Magazine , Literary Burlesque , The Other Room , Curbside Quotidian , DANSE MACABRE , WidowMoon Press , PRIME MINCER , Apocrypha and Abstractions , The Legendary in the USA , and in Australian " Skive " and " Going Down Swinging " magazines . At the moment he is writer - in - residence at Marco Polo Art Mag . It 's dark in here . That 's because I live at the bottom of the jewellery box along with the other outcasts : the tangled necklace with the broken lobster claw and teddy pendant she got for her eleventh birthday , along with the bracelet that 's missing a couple of gem stones . She always says she will have them repaired but never does , preferring to spend the money on more fashionable pieces instead that imitate Asian and Oriental designs . An untrained eye might imagine that they were found by a back - packer on their travels , but they weren 't . They can be bought from any shop on the high - street , and are merely echoes of worlds she 's never seen . Not all of us down here are broken though . I 'm not , and neither is the engagement ring she got from Mark , ( who eventually cheated on her with Shannon from Reception , ) or the belly bar she took out when she put weight on and decided looked too young for her anyway . The ones at the top who get worn more often pity us , ( ' how boring it must be , ' they say to each other in whispers they think we can 't hear , ' being cooped up down there , month in , month out , ' ) but in a way they 're jealous . As I 've said , you could buy them in their hundreds if you wanted to , and they are without sentimental value like the childhood necklace or the belly bar that reminds her of her wild teens and early twenties . They 're easily replaced and she gives them away when they become outdated - or chucks them if even her younger sister and the charity shops say no , thanks . She doesn 't like Mark 's ring or me , so it isn 't often that her fingers dig through the chunky bangles and strings of beads to bring me to the surface . It happens maybe three or four times a year when she has arranged to visit The Matriarch . The ring doesn 't even get a look in . Why Mark wouldn 't let her give it back to him so that he could give it to someone he did love is beyond us ; at least that way it would have been enjoyed . All the same , seeing as I 'm an heirloom and the ring is eighteen carat white goPerhaps you imagine I get bitter when the voices of the favoured ones float above my head , chattering away about their ventures out of the box : days at work , dinners , dates , parties and who was there , who wasn 't there , what she wore … you get the drift . Or worse , maybe you feel sorry for me . I 'd rather you didn 't . Pity the rest but not me . I 'm not so keen on their weight pressing down on me but I don 't mind the dark . In fact I quite like it . It reminds me of home , my real one , from before I met people . As for being bitter , you can rule that out . I 'm a pearl , darling ; it 's not in my nature . You lot have seen me as a symbol of love for thousands of years and I do try to live up to my name by being kind - although I cannot help but wince sometimes at the irony , given that the first person I ever met died . Don 't look at me like that ; it wasn 't my fault . But that 's why she doesn 't like me . All the same , when you 've being kept in a family for over a century you do take an interest in your present owner , even if it 's not reciprocated , so I enjoy listening to the young ones ' gossip . Let them have their fun while they still can . The best they can hope for is a place in a child 's dressing - up box in just a few , short years so they might as well enjoy it . 2 . Memories . I might be old - fashioned and be from a past that she and you would rather forget , but I 'm not like your kind . I will endure and outlive the others , her - even you . And I never forget . My memory doesn 't grow weak with age , it gets stronger . I can still smell what my home was like ; still feel the movements of the person who found me when he panicked and rushed too quickly to the top , and the urgent , grasping hand of the first , but different person to ever touch me , as though I 'd only stopped smelling and feeling them a minute ago . The memories of my owners and the events in their lives play like the films you are so fond of ; the moment when her grandfather proposed to her grandmother , and the christening of her mother , they are a3 . Before she grew up . I suppose you think it strange that her grandmother , ( or The Matriarch as she jokingly calls her , ) skipped a generation and gave me to someone who doesn 't like me , but it never used to be this way . When she was little and used to visit her grandmother she would ask , ( very politely after giving her a peck on the cheek , ) if she could play with her jewellery box . The answer was always yes , and she would very carefully hunt through the diamonds and gold to find me , pin me to her jumper and wear me for the rest of the time she was there . It became something of a ritual , to the point where her grandmother began to pick me out herself and would put me on the coffee table ready for when she arrived . When she was eighteen , The Matriarch had a heart attack , and fearing that she would never leave hospital , insisted on the girl 's mother driving for two hours to get me , so that she could give me to her personally before it was too late . They were very close , and still are in spite of the distance , for she survived against all the odds . Whenever she goes to see her she always comments on how lovely it is , seeing her granddaughter all grown up , wearing her old brooch that 's always been her favourite . And I was for a time . Traditionally I was only worn for a special or significant occasion , but when she was at college I had the strange but enjoyable experience of being put in her pocket and going with her , and if she felt nervous about something her fingers would slide down to stroke me . Normally I hated people manhandling me , but I didn 't mind in her case - it was better than her biting her nails . It was almost as if she thought that having me with her would stop something bad happening - and I have been viewed as ' lucky . ' Stop sniggering , it 's true . In the days of knights and sword - fighting , we would be worn when the rich and noble went into battle because they thought we would protect them from harm , so don 't laugh at her . It felt good , being wanted , and I have to confess I came in danger You don 't like being reminded of your past - those days of glory when Britain ruled half the world . I think that 's why you apologise so much , and give more than you can afford to charities trying to save the poor and starving around the globe . It 's almost as though you 're trying to make up for all the wrongs done before you were born . And I 've tried to avoid talking about it in case you ran away - I get lonely sometimes and it 's nice having someone to talk to . But you can 't run forever , things have to be faced eventually . Some of you may already know and may already be trying to shut out the sound of my words by turning your thoughts to the plans you 've made for the weekend , but there 'll be a lot of you who don 't . There are lots of happy anecdotes from my owners ' lives I could have told you but this is the one you need to hear : My story . We are not like your kind , but there is one thing we have in common : just as you can 't remember coming out of the womb , we don 't know what it was like being a grain of sand or piece of shell squeezing our way inside an oyster and hardening ; all I remember is being . There were no thoughts , for when you live inside a shell there isn 't a great deal to think about - nothing happens . That probably sounds dull to you but there was no sadness , no pain or death . It was peaceful , just being . I didn 't know this at the time but even nothing has to come to an end eventually : the day would always have come when I would be found . It will be hard for you to understand what it was like being taken out of water , hearing sounds , seeing colours and light - all for the first time . On paper it sounds great , this explosion of life , but the reality was frightening - and even fear was something I had never heard of or felt before . Maybe that 's why your newborns usually cry when they come out , because they 're scared and want to go back . I 'm trying to think of ways to describe how it was to you , and the only way I can think of is for you to imagine an ancient Egyptian being placed in the middle of a supermarket . That might give you a better idea , but even that doesn 't come close . I 've learnt a lot since then - ( I 've had to , I didn 't have any other choice - ) but there 's one thing I 've never been able to get my head around , and that is time . Your lives are ruled by clocks and diaries telling you when deadlines or birthdays are due , but when you have so much time whole years , even decades can pass you by . Forgive me then , if I am a little hazy on dates . What I can tell you is that I was brought to the surface in the late 1800s , which makes me special . There aren 't many of us that come from nature now . Most are made by man in bulk on farms . Things changed . You suddenly became concerned about human life and diving equipment got better . Both meant that the world 's poor no were no longer forced to hold their breaths for comments » I knew that someone important was going to walk into my life at 12 : 15 , just after I normally drink tea and prepare for an slow day working on the horoscope . Now , maybe you might not believe me . After all , I am a professional charlatan . But I knew something was up , because for the last two weeks every prediction I have made actually worked out . It started when I saw Mrs Henderson . She was a fat woman , an unpleasant woman , a great client . Like most people who wanted a reading , she didn 't want the truth . And normally I didn 't give it to her . I pulled out the equipment . It was a plain set . It looked like bone china , but was made in china for a very low price . Mrs Henderson looked impressed anyway . She had a lot of money , and not a lot of sense . Anyway , I started reading the information contained in the tea leafs . And then the world went blank . When I returned to the world , Mrs Henderson was gone . I walked out of the shop I had rented , and another of the shopkeepers came up to me . He was normally an quiet , amicable chap . This time he looked like he wanted to throttle me . " She came out of here . Howling and crying , like you 'd tried to kill her . " he put his face up to mine , " You ever do it again and I 'll . . " " I don 't know what you 're talking about , " and I backed away from him . He stalked off . I walked back to my shop , ready to wait for my next appointment . Mrs Abbot didn 't come . She left a nervous message on my answer phone . At the time I didn 't realise why . Because I had no other clients for the day , I went home . My mouth opened wide . It was such a shock , it seemed like I 'd just been told I was about to die . And then . Then I was in my bed , looking at the ceiling . The police officers had gone . But it felt more real than a dream . It must have been a dream . Yeah , that was what it was , I convinced myself . Although I should have known better . In Ireland you can make a full time living as a psychic . less so in England . The English wouldn 't even pay you if you could predict the lottery . So I also work as a pitchman . Which , if you think about it , is just another way to make a dishonest buck . I walked to the nearest boot sale , and set up . It isn 't too crowded in the morning . And everyone is busy . So I crawl in through the hedge . They don 't know that I 'm there against the rules . I set up . My table is old fashioned . A suitcase with legs you fold out . Like the true pitchmen of the 50 's . My pitch is the worm . They wiggle around my hand , like they are alive . The fools in the crowd gave me money . That is what they are for . She had the longest blondest hair this side of fairyland , and her smile lights up the room like a flashlight . And I knew I am meant to talk to her . Just now . She walked off . I had the sense she is in trouble . She was poorer than she used to be , her clothes were expensive , but last years fashion . I had a feeling I will meet her again . When I got there , there was Mrs Henderson and her husband . Their eyes were red . They had been crying . I couldn 't understand what they were there for . I managed to get them to leave . At first I thought that the gossip would help me . But the truth is , no one wants to go to a psychic that tells them the truth . Life is hard enough . You go to a psychic to hear lies . I made some money as a pitchman , so it didn 't affect me too much . But I kept on having bad dreams . I kept on seeing people I knew in them . Not just that , I saw how they died . Their pain . And I started to write down what I saw . In a book by my bedside cabinet . The extra time I had meant I was drinking more too . It was like I 'd been cursed . But the worst was the Christians . They decided that these dreams were inspired by Satan . They set up the picket line in front of my office . I started to think I should simply leave . On Wednesday , the cleaner came in . She was a nosy parker . And no mistake . Her husband had died a few years back , and she was interested in everything . While it 's not the way she put it , she was very interested in the diary . All the details of the different murders and deaths I 'd seen . All the factual details that no one else other than the murderer could know . She took it to the police , and they read it , and they got their warrant . I arrived back at the normal time , and nothing was different . The book was there . I didn 't notice the surveillance cameras . Not at all . They broke in that night . It wasn 't a dream . And I looked up to them bleary eyed , a gun pointing in my face , and swore . They dragged me towards the back of the car , and I noticed someone had decided to give the press warning . So it was very public . Once in , they took me right there . And kitted me out in fetching jail clothing , since I was still in pyjamas . This was the first time I was in jail , and I can tell you it is not as bad as some people say . There is an odd vinegar smell , hiding other bodily fluids . And it is never quiet . There is always shouting going on , and doors slammed . But it was no worse than some hotels I 've been in while performing . I looked across at my lawyer . Short , thin , balding and bored . The police officer had my diary in front of him . He picked it up . " In it , you 've got the details of dozens of murders . Information the police hasn 't released to the public . Information . . . dare I say it , in some cases that the police didn 't even know themselves . " And that was it . That was the full content of the interview . I was hustled off into the cell , and ended up waiting for days . In telephone conversations with friends , I knew the police were digging up my life . I was given a notebook , and a pen , and I continued to write down my dreams . I thought I might as well . The police would search my cell every now and again , and confiscate them . They even moved me to solitary . Made sure no one could be feeding me this information . Or , presumably , that I wasn 't ordering the killings . But the dreams continued . They were getting worse and worse . Every morning I woke up feeling like I had not slept . I guess at least things looked up , because they took me from prison . They drove me along country lanes , towards a building . I can 't tell you precisely where it was . It just looked like an old school to be honest . You 'd never have guessed it was an intelligence headquarters . They bundled me out into an empty building . You 've heard of the secret prisons . Well , they are true . They dressed me up in a uniform , tagged my ankle , and locked me in a cage . The only thing they gave me was some paper and a pen to write down my dreams . Sometimes people came to research me . They put me in scanners , and gave me all kinds of medical tests . The results were unsurprising . I was just a normal , healthy individual . And that was how it seemed I was destined to live for the rest of my life . Until I started to hear the voices . They were low . Just like someone was talking in the next room . Distant . And I couldn 't make them out . That night I was tossing and turning , and I heard someone shout out my name . I woke up . No one was there . Then I tried to get asleep again , and managed it . But the voice was insistent . Nothing answered me . The guards walked past my cell . But with the dreams and the voices , I was getting no sleep . It started to affect me so badly I would not even eat food . Within a few days I was exhausted . Mentally and physically drained . And I guess that is what the creatures wanted . Because soon they broke through . It 's hard to tell you how it felt . But if you have ever had a moment of shock , when you suddenly feel like you aren 't there , you 'll know . He said his name . And then the voice faded away . But I knew I had to do precisely what he told me . I 'd go mad otherwise . Maybe I was already mad . The opportunity came sooner than I expected . My handlers were getting anxious . I was producing less predictions than normal , and the federal conviction rate was plummeting through the floor . The handlers looked like model citizens . Dark suits , a man and a woman dressed formally , like they were lawyers . They flashed their badge to me . I don 't know why , the fact I was in a prison gave them away . The police officer fell back . You could see him working it through in his mind . Despite the success of my predictions , he settled on the conclusion I was mad . After all , psychic phenomena were impossible . He 'd read that once . I shook my head . But that night , I was thinking about it , and decided that I had to ask . Had to have a conversation , if only for my sanity . When the voices started up , I leaned forward in my bed . I asked the question again . But he would say nothing of use to me . he would only repeatedly ask me to find his killers . Not very useful . Eventually , I managed to coax his name from him . Nigel . Not a very good name for a joke . That was the strange thing . No murder victims of that name came up . Not any time soon . But a week later , a Nigel disappeared . And I realised the truth . I looked through the court reports . He had been killed by stabbing . They wouldn 't let me out of the jail . So all I could do was read the files they brought on him . And I got the feeling that many of the details had been redacted . it was like looking for a haystack in an elephant : messy and not very satisfactory . There were only two people I decided who could have done it . They both had a great deal to gain . At the end of the day , though , there is a limit to what you can do from inside a jail cell . The guards looked sceptically at me when I asked for it . But I was responsible for half the murder arrests in the district for the last six months . So they eventually gave me what I wanted . Especially when I refused to furnish them with any more information . I don 't know if you have ever been to a proper séance . Well , to be honest , most of the time the knocks are from the medium . But this time it was different . Within moments of the séance starting , I was aware that the room was colder . Then the entire board lifted off the table , and flew towards me . It hit the wall a few inches from my face . The room warmed up again . The presence was gone . For a little while . " I didn 't " I replied . I knew that he didn 't believe me . But he would have to show more senior people . And I knew they couldn 't afford to risk me . I went back to bed . For the first time in weeks , I had no bad dreams . I guess Nigel knew I understood his message . I slept very soundly . Until the next morning . But my guards didn 't really understand . Or they did not want to understand . My handler met me in the interview room the next morning . He looked tired . Besides him sat a man I hadn 't seen before . He wore the cleanest , most expensive suit I had seen during my stay at the states pleasure . The man stood up . He walked out of the room . Measured , and without menace . But he didn 't seem to be a man used to dealing with no . My handler shook his head . He didn 't need to tell me the consequences . All of a sudden , I was put on suicide watch . Woken up every thirty minutes to see if I wasn 't dead yet . The heating in my cell surprisingly broke . I knew I was in their hands totally . But I never realised what it was like to displease them . You see , Nigel might be a ghost , but that doesn 't mean he is stupid . He can see what is happening . He knows they are stopping me doing what he wants . And this gets him angry . They first times he acted , it looked like coincidence . The guards chair would tilt under him , depositing him on the floor . Or cups of coffee were not placed firmly enough on the table . The guards were spooked by me . They knew that I was able to see things they could not . But although the guards face became pale , his hand on the trigger was steady and firm . It was too late . The chair slammed into the guard . He dropped to the floor . Then I saw the guards keys float from his pocket . My cell door was unlocked . I walked over to the guard , stripped his clothes off , and changed into his uniform . I thought I didn 't have much of a choice . If I didn 't do what Nigel wanted he would kill me . Every door I came to slid open without me doing anything . It would have been creepy if I didn 't know what was happening . Soon the alarms started to ring out . People would be grabbing their guns , getting ready to shoot me . I could feel my heart trying to escape from my chest . I soon arrived at fire exit . It opened in front of me . I climbed down some steps . Below me , I could see coppers swarming . I continued to walk down . One of the coppers recognised me . I ran in the opposite direction . He took aim , and I could hear the gun explode behind me . But the bullet didn 't pierce my skin like I expected . Instead , it ended in the ground . I reached a police car , and the engine came on without anyone doing anything . Then I went into a store and bought black trousers and a white shirt . Got changed . And walked out of the shopping centre , expecting to be caught at any time . In my pocket there was five hundred dollars . That was all I had in the world , except for an insane ghost . I decided it was time to go to the library . After chatting to the librarian for a few seconds , she walked me over to a computer which had copies of the local papers for the last twenty years . I typed a search . At first I found nothing , but as I expanded the search back I found him . According to the interview , he was found murdered in his bed . He had been asleep . His wife had been charged and convicted of his murder . But she said she was innocent . Nothing came in response . I knew that would happen . It was too much to hope for . It was getting late at night . The librarian was fussing near me . It was time to go . When you are a fugitive , it isn 't as simple to find a place to stay as booking a room in a hotel . I walked round , looking for an empty house . It took me an hour . Occasionally a police car would go past . It made me nervous . At one time it would have been a posh bungalow . But whoever had owned it had been taken to a care home , and it was covered in weeds and neglect . I walked up to the door , and it swings open . That is one of the advantages of your own private poltergeist . Inside it was a mess . But dry and water proof . There was a wood burning stove in one room . The power was off , and Nigel didn 't turn it on . But the water was only off at the mains . It was easy enough to get it working again . In the morning I would have to start the process of searching for Nigel Slater . I knew roughly where he lived . I fell asleep , and woke up hungry and cramped . Outside , I could hear rustling . I peeked through the window , and could see a man dressed only in black . He looked like he was not very friendly . I ducked down , but he must have seen me . He edged towards the door . It was locked , but he slammed it open . I hid behind the sofa . it didn 't help . He walked towards me . I noticed he had a poker in his hand . There was no way he wouldn 't find me . I stood up . I looked over at him . He had a long scar down his face . it seemed like he was used to trouble . And he was straining to start a fight . I did what he said . He followed me . I thought he might hit me at any second . or recognise me . They must have put my picture out into the news by now . I sighed with relief , but knew that my location might be passed onto the police . I decided it was time to get out of the town . I caught a bus , and tried to hide my face . Since I hadn 't had a bath for a few days it was easier than you might think . People did not want to look me in the eyes . I arrived at Nigel 's house six hours latter . It was a solemn house . A plane front garden laid to grass , brick frontage , and white windows . It didn 't look like anyone had ever cared for it . It looked like it was a place to sleep and not to stay . It took me a few minutes to settle down , and watch the street . There was nothing extraordinary about it . A few people walked past , taking little interest in the stranger . After watching for half an hour , I knew there was little information here for me . Talking round the local shops I found out that Nigel had been a quiet man . Few people knew him , past his saying hello . he didn 't seem to have been involved in anything wrong . or indeed in anything at all . I decided that there could only really have been one source of trouble . He must have found out something at work . Something that made him worth more to someone dead than alive . I got some annual reports from his company and studied them . Amazing what is available on the internet these days . There was little of interest . I applied to work at Nigel 's company as a cleaner . it was a big risk . I supplied false references , and knew they would not check them for months . That 's the thing about cleaners . No one takes any notice . So I got the job , and examined the work place thoroughly . It looked like an office . The computers were always on . Once or twice I looked over the shoulder of someone working but it was all gobbledygook to me . To make it worse , I saw my face on the newspaper when I went for food . Sure , I looked a lot different now . I had grown longer hair , a beard , and was thinner . But it was still me . I grew suspicious of other people . Then came my big break . Several people were working in the office late . I overhead them speaking about a billion dollar deal . The company was getting bought out . I checked the internet , and there was something in the trade section . The routine was the same every day . But one of my colleagues had not turned up to work . So I was asked to clean the main office . I did so . But I did more than that , I broke into the file cabinets , and started reading company secrets . But that didn 't save me for long . The next day I arrived at work a few minutes earlier . Something told me that things were wrong . The security guard on the gate was new . He told me to go out to the bosses office . I walked into a small lab , and looked around . There was a window , and I tried to open it . In the distance I could see five police cars . The window wouldn 't open . There was only one way out . And I knew that by now , there would be police officers between me and the door . I looked round to find a chair . Then used it to break the window . The alarm went , and I slid through the empty hole . But I caught my shoulder on a shard of glass . I was bleeding . The police gave up their pretence . Dozens of sirens started up , heading towards the building . I ran through a green space . I knew that there was only one way out of the compound except the front gate . A hole in the fence I had noticed a few days earlier . But over head their was a helicopter . Although I ran like the wind , it wasn 't enough . I could hear the police men getting closer and closer . I turned around and saw two police officers . They both had guns pointed at me . I raised my hands , and they soon had me on the ground . I arrived at my destination a few hours latter . This time they were taking no chances . I arrived at a super maximum prison . Surrounded by barbed wire , dogs , and armed police officers it was obvious I 'd never get out . The next day the interrogation began . Again and Again . Asking me where I had gone . What I had done . I eventually broke down and told them everything . But that didn 't stop them continuing . Maybe what they were doing was no crime . But it was a form of torture . Eventually , the interrogations stopped . They gave me paper . They wanted to go back to how it used to be . But by that time I had got so angry , even when I did have a dream I kept it to myself . I wasn 't there . So all I can do is repeat the report that was made to me . No guarantee it is what happened . Apparently the director of the FBI had been having an extramarital affair . He was in bed that normal , and engaging in exercise at the same time . This was not expected , but what was even more unexpected was the windows opening wide . And the explosions of a gun . The director of the FBI 's gun . But I do know that it made the national news . The assistant director of the FBI resigned . And , to be frank , most of the people in the FBI did not care much about that . But it was fair warning . He didn 't seem to be exactly happy about what had happened . In fact , he stormed in to the visiting room , and let loose a barrage of swear words . I sat there passively , listening to him . When he calmed down sufficiently , he sat down . " Nigel was right . All he wants is his murderer found . But he isn 't going to stop . Not until that is done . Not even if he has to kill someone else to do it . " " No . I am not . Nigel is a threat to you . If you stand in the way , that is . He is a ghost . What can you do to get rid of him ? " The director of the FBI thought for a few seconds . An hour latter , a priest turned up with bell , book and candle . it didn 't work spectacularly . The power went off , the candle blew out , the bell rang , and the book was thrown across the room . The director gestured to the mirror and two toughs walked in . They carried some rope . They tied me to the chair , and lifted a cosh over their heads . Then all hell broke lose . The cosh swung back by itself . it raised into the air , and came down , laying out one of the thugs . The other caught me a glancing blow , but something unseen lifted him from the floor and threw him against the wall . " You have a choice . Director . Help find Nigel 's killer . Or , I think , Nigel will chase you down and gut you like a fish . " Eventually the Director settled down again . He sat in his chair , silently looking at me . I wasn 't a pretty picture . Thin , and in prison coveralls . I must have looked like a real criminal . They let me go that afternoon . Put me in a suit , and told me I was seconded to the FBI . I was even given my own agent . He was tall , thin , and looked every inch the government man . The agent shook his head . He gave nothing away . That was when I knew he wasn 't sent to help me . Just to keep an eye out on me . Nevertheless , I decided that I could use him . Like he wanted to use me . I looked over to him , and told him to get a warrant . We were going to search Nigel 's company . And read every damn bit of paper they had about Sigma . When we arrived at the door , they had their lawyer sorted out already . Someone must have leaked it . He looked like he had cost a lot of money . " I 'm afraid we have the right not to incriminate ourselves . We are asserting that right . Both as a company , and as individuals . So , no , you can ask any questions but we will not answer them . " I was surprised when I found the clue . It was something no one else would have noticed . A single envelope in the bin . It contained an address . I think Nigel must have been helping me . I was drawn to it . But the thing I noticed was the fact the address had a Sigma stamp . Once we were out of the building , I decided to break away from the FBI agent . I knew some things would work better on my own . it was easier said than done . When I tried to go for a walk that night , he insisted on staying right by me . Getting to the address was difficult . I didn 't have a car , I had to take the bus . Most of the journey there wasn 't even that . And it had began to rain . I must have looked odd , walking around town that late at night , soaked . In fact , I surprised no copper stopped me . " Good enough , " I said . Knowing I was lying as I said it . It wasn 't like it was my strong point . The expression on the coppers face showed he thought not either . He stood there behind me his mouth opened , as I shimmied the lock . it opened . I walked in . This was a mistake , I didn 't notice the small CCTV camera , the camera that was hidden in a plug socket . But it was sending my picture right up to the security office . I worked quickly , going up the stairs to the office . I don 't know what I had expected to see . But what I did see looked just like any other office . Even down to the half drunk cup of coffee . I woke up in the boot of a car . I could feel the engine running , and smell burning petrol . It was pick black . The car started off , bumping along the ground . Hitting me from side to side . My hands were tied behind my back . It was lucky I knew a little magic . I got the knot loose without much effort . Then I grovelled around the car to find something , anything that could help me . There was a wrench , which I picked up . I put the rope around my wrists , hiding the fact I was loose . And put the wrench in my pocket . The boot of the car swung open . One of the security guards lifted me out of the boot . He was covered in muscle . My mouth opened wide . That was the last thing I expected to hear . They marched me along the ground and I saw him for the first time . Nigel . Alive . Then the room went strange . Something turned the lights off , and opened the windows . It even raised a chair off the ground . The security guard looked worried for the first time . " For the last month , I have been searching for the person who killed Nigel Slater . You , sir , are Nigel Slater . But it seems your ghost hasn 't got the information you are alive . " But it didn 't work . By the time that the ambulance arrived , Nigel was in a deep coma . It took only a short time after that until the first homicide detective got there . But the truth is , it was fate . No ones fault . Except the murderer . After all , how can Nigel Slater 's ghost come into my dreams unless he is actually killed ? What happened next surprised me . The cops arrested me . Told me I was being held on suspicion of murder . I told them not to be idiots , but they wrote it in their notebooks and not their minds . By that point the clues would be getting stale , so I drove right to the company . But they wouldn 't let me in . it was a police investigation , they said . No dice . I called the FBI agent and asked him to run the full scan on Slater . By the time he had finished I would know every single family member . And all I had to do was interview them . The only clue left to me was Sigma . The company was closed for a few hours , but the managing director wasn 't . Again the FBI came to my rescue . They had the address , and I wasn 't afraid to use it . We walked up the garden path . It wasn 't the most luxurious house that a managing director had ever lived at . But I knocked on the door anyway . I walked in . Behold , the group was all there . The director of the FBI himself . The attorney general . And a four star general . I could feel the back of my assistant straightening up . The Managing Director pressed a button on the TV . It switched on . Nigel Slater 's office . I saw him pick up his glass . Put the chemicals in it . The MD fast forwarded . Nigel killed himself . " Oil . We got him to produce computer models . All the oil reserves . He was so great . . . well , he could produce a program that told us exactly where oil was , just from satellite images . " Just at that moment a dozen armed guards came into the room . Their guns were pointed right at me . I raised my hands , and was soon plunged into the carpet . They searched me . Didn 't find anything interesting . " Yeah . But I don 't think you did it . I don 't think you were that smart . But I don 't know what this being who calls himself Nigel Slater is , " I didn 't struggle . By now , them putting handcuffs on me was almost routine . I just wish I had been able to continue my life as a charlatan . I didn 't know what to say to that . it was true . it was obvious when you think about it . Nigel had told me he was murdered when he was still alive . but no one ever said the soul was bound to the arrow of time . Within a few minutes we had picked up an escort . From what I could tell , they had closed the road down . Only we were travelling that evening . I gulped . It looked like things were just about to head for the worse . The trip to the Whitehouse was the most fraught I had experienced in my life . The director of the FBI was reading faxes and emails in the car . His face was getting more and more pale . " I guess like the English did in WWII . With disinformation . We need to get an Chinese agent and feed him bad info . And I guess Nigel might be your best hope for that . " I guess the FBI director caught on quickly . Because he could go anywhere , Nigel could listen to the Chinese chatter . He could find Chinese agents . Maybe he didn 't know Chinese , but he knew enough to listen in to the English language conversations . It wasn 't a new concept . The CIA had investigated it in the sixties . But they didn 't have a real life ghost , so their experiments failed . This time we had a real ghost . I asked them to pick out the Ouija board again . The séance room was a sight you had never seen in your life . The president and the director of the FBI holding hands , in a dark room . The president of the united states shook his head . You could tell he couldn 't believe what he was seeing . He got up from his seat , and you could almost hear his bones cracking . Over in the corner of the room I could see a computer with satellite images . I could watch the Chinese fleet mobilising in real time . The number of dots that represented aircraft carriers alone was scary . " It will only be a few days before we have to mobilise our own navy . " The wait was excruciating . But suddenly five hours latter , the board started spelling out a name . The FBI director went to work . Within minutes they had the file out . He didn 't look like what you would expect of a Chinese agent . He had long , blonde hair , was dressed in a respectable suit , and had a respectable job . He worked in the old navy base . His job was to work on the files , reading sensitive military information . Including information about resource allocation . Once they checked his bank account the truth became obvious . The FBI director stood up , and paced down the long thin corridor . Then he arrived back in the meeting room with a young woman . She was dressed in military uniform . He explained the plan . It was simple . The Chinese agent needed to think it had all been a hoax . But for that to work , he would have to eat a pack of lies . I wasn 't there , so I can report only what I have been told . The female agent I had been introduced to worked in the old navy headquarters . She worked in the files there . It is a room full of top secret papers . Room might be the wrong word ; it was the size of an aircraft hanger . She worked there , and had spent months being bored . So naturally , she had struck up a conversation with the handsome blonde military attaché . And , the conversation was reciprocated . The director of the FBI looked at her . She didn 't look like much to put the freedom of the world onto . But she was eager . And after being told what to do , she didn 't complain . She saluted . I stood at the back of the room , watching the Director of the FBI feeling out the officer , and knew I would have to talk to Nigel alone . I didn 't trust her . She looked too good to be true with her starched uniform and willing smile . The new agent went into a staff car , to be driven to the headquarters . She looked very lonely in the back of the car . Meanwhile , we walked to the operations room . There was a banks of monitors the length of the room . We could see satellite images of the build up of the Chinese fleet , as well as real time updates of our spies . I nodded . Then looked back over to the screens . I could see our agent depositing the papers in her draw . She phoned up the Chinese agent , and set up dinner . It looked like a glorious feast . Roast duck , with all the trimmings . The doorbell went . She walked over to it , and opened it . She said something , and the Chinese agent walked into the room . After ten minutes of conversation , she walked away . To go to the toilet . He walked over to the draws , and started rummaging . After a few minutes he found the file our agent had left . He took out the smallest camera you have ever seen , and clicked the image . After that , he put the files away . After he left , the confirmation came thick and fast . The Chinese fleet disbanded . It was amazing to see , but they split up within a matter of hours . Soon the sea around Taiwan was empty except for commercial shipping . I guess that if this had been a story that would be it . I would have been given a party , a celebration , and been allowed to leave . After all , I had saved the day . Well , Nigel did leave . I haven 't heard from him since . After they had finished celebrating , a guard collected me , and drove me in a prison van to here . It is a cold concrete cell . I am allowed a TV , and to write carefully vetted letters . I 'm not sure how I will post this , my story . Maybe I will write it under the postage stamp . I guess for an old crook like me , it is fair . But I wish I had been sent to jail for something I did . And not for some trumped up terrorist charge . Currently we only offer payment for one story selected as the feature story in the monthly pdf magazine only . The successful author will be contacted to organise payment via paypal for a $ 5AUD payment . 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The ship swayed and creaked . He feels every bit of it in his body . Taking no chances the crew , damnedable pirates , have chained him with no give . Legs bound in a kneeling position , arms chained to either wall crucifying him to the ship like a perverse figurehead , he 's been their captive long enough to have forgotten the feel of kindness . It is a small blessing that their fear of him keeps his gag in place at all times . It keeps them from coming anywhere near him . The captain learned a long time ago that he gleans all he needs to live from the moisture in the air , the brine in his eyes . During storms , when he is strongest , the captain posts guards with him . They don 't look at him . A terrible hope fills him today . By the movement of the ship and the crew 's curses , he knows that they 're being pursued by another ship . This ship is a runner , fast . There 'd be little concern of capture if the ship did not gain its quickness from being light , gain its lightness from having little room for armaments or supplies . The pursuers have had them going for a week now and they 'd been out of port for at least a month . He knows from the panic in the crew that the food is all but gone . Soon they 'll be too weak to load what small guns are aboard . He 'd be surprised if they could remember how to sight the cannons it 's been so long since the captain has ordered them used . His hope stems from the pirates ' desperation . If they succumb to practicality then they 'll come for him . With frightened hearts and shaking hands , they 'll undo his chains and he 'll get to spend some time under the sky instead of under foot . So he waits for their desperation to bloom practicality . It does not take long . The first mate comes with three guards and the keys . It is always the first mate that comes to get him . The captain coming himself would make him a person that the captain fears , he wouldn 't last long once that got out among the crew . The first mate is the only one he trusts with the keys to his chains . " The captain wants to see you . " He speaks with a unique accent that comes with the ship 's pidgin of French , Spanish , and Greek . His ears hear the gibberish , but his mind provides him with the meaning . Slowly , they unchain his arms from the ship and secure them behind his back . The guards are afraid to touch him , unsure whether he 'll break or they 'll be infected with something . It strikes him as odd how religious some of these men are . Coming onto the deck , sea spray hits him in the face , covers his bare chest . He instantly feels more alive . He stands taller , muscles flex , the chains bite into his skin . They take him to the captain , standing at the aft of the ship . He stands beside the captain looking out at the wide ocean , the only thing marring their perfect view of the horizon the pursuers . The first mate and guards fold themselves into the three other men standing around them . The captain just stands there for a few minutes , ignoring him . This too is done to show the crew he will do this in his own time , to show that the man he keeps below decks does not frighten him . Around the gag , behind the locked mouth plate , he smiles . Only he and the captain know what he is , and he knows that the captain is frightened of that . " I have use of you . " From under his coat he draws out the key that only he is allowed to keep . He inserts into lock for the face plate . " If you hurt this ship my men will stab you and you will die before you can swim for freedom . Like always , yeah ? " He nods . It 's always the same threat . It vaguely occurs to him that this is only a half life . But then , the spirits would kill for half a life . The plate falls away and he spits the wooden wedge from his mouth . His tongue sticks out , tasting the salt in the air . He flexes his jaw , taking in the blue sky , the white clouds , the gentle waves . He smiles at the captain . Other than the crew 's swords there is very little compelling him . Finally , the captain 's annoyance at the delay shows on his face . He focuses on ship on the horizon . He tries not to think of the men on the ship . He knows he will have to answer for his actions one day , but he 's trying to postpone that day for as long as possible . " I 'm fine . Sorry . " The cabby 's eyes dart from the road to the rearview mirror and back . " I 'm good . I 'm okay . " The cabby 's eyes return to the road and stay there , Lawrence was prepared to keep reassuring him for the rest of the drive as long as he didn 't take his eyes off the road . " That jetlag 's a bitch , isn 't it ? " " Yeah , jetlag . " He doesn 't really feel like talking so he looks out the window . What he sees unsettles him so much that he almost closes his eyes again . Outside the cab desert stretched on for miles . When he 'd met the cabby at the airport he 'd been fine . They 'd been in the middle of a city . He preferred the buildings and people to the endless dry expanse . He tried to think of it as a sea of earth but it just made him queasy . He can 't help it , he closes his eyes . " We 're almost there , " the cabby rouses him . " If I 'd of known I wouldn 't have let you sleep at all . You wouldn 't believe how many people fall asleep in my cab from the airport . " The cabby keeps up a steady stream of chitchat for the next few minutes . Lawrence doesn 't say much , but he 's glad for the distraction . " Here we go , buddy . " He pulls up in front of an independent diner . Lawrence can tell the sign was made with care when it was painted , years in the desert sun has faded it badly . " They got good food here ? " " I don 't know . This is my first time here . " He pays the fare and steps out of the air - conditioned interior . His lips are immediately dry and cracked . The heat cuts him to the core as fast as it dried his lips , the urge to speak rises in him . He needs to escape this heat , he 's drowning in dryness . He rushes inside hoping that they 'll have air - conditioning . No such luck . The interior of the restaurant is as faded as the exterior . He seats himself , impatiently tapping his foot waiting for the waitress . He can hear the sound of the wind . Not the dry , lifeless wind of the desert , but the damp , alive wind of the storm . It 's calling to him , begging him to call out . He licks his lips with a tongue he can barely feel . He can 't help himself , the desert is antithesis for him . Why had he decided to come here ? To satisfy some adolescent curiosity ? He takes one long , shuttering breath . " The special , two of them , just bring me a pitcher of water . " His throat feels so dry . He has to speak now before he loses his chance . " Hmph ! " With blurry vision he watches her flounce back to the kitchen . He grabs the edge of the table to steady himself . He 's clenching his jaw by the time she comes back with a glass for him . He swallows half of it . The cool liquid fills him , calming him . Vision clears , hands stop shaking , the urge lessening . The torrent of wind in his ears shifts to a gentle breeze . How close had he come ? The waitress turns to leave again , he grabs her arm . " Can I get you anything else ? " She says it in such a way that makes Lawrence wonder if it 's actually a question . She tired of him he can tell . She 's too used to bullying the locals . He doesn 't trying to be nice to her , he just takes out a fifty and lays it on the table . " This is your tip if you keep bringing me pitchers of water . " Her eyes gleam slightly as she stares at the bill on the table . Slowly she puts the pitcher on the table . " Thank you . " He drains the rest of his glass and pours another . He finishes this one in three huge gulps . He doesn 't feel as trapped now , his breathing has evened out . He fills the glass a third time , finishing off the pitcher , but only sips this one . A couple minutes pass , the waitress brings his two specials and another pitcher . Lawrence only picks at his food . Between the desert and the age of the equipment in the diner the food is completely dry . Mainly he just cuts up the food and moves it around on his plate . Mainly he watches the people in the restaurant . He immediately discounts his waitress . Seeing her move around the diner , speaking with her , she 's spent most of her life trying to get away from this place . It 's a pity that she 'd never really feel like she belongs anywhere . An old man sits in another booth . He is weathered , his countenance telling the story of a life in the desert . Despite the heat of the day he 's drinking coffee . Lawrence would have considered him a likely candidate if his research didn 't tell him he is looking for someone younger . Besides the old man doesn 't look like he belongs here , only that he 's gotten used to living here . It 's an old style diner setup , so Lawrence can see the cook behind the half wall separating the kitchen from the dining area . Cook would be a wonderful job for who he 's looking for . The heat rising from the stove providing a fix for the cravings while at work . Though nothing compared to the natural heat of the desert it would do while at work . Unfortunately the cook is wearing a sleeveless shirt that 's plastered to his body with sweat . Lawrence 's heart falls . He 's not close enough to the cook to pick up a flow from him , but the fact that he 's sweating tells him all he needs to know . It 's possible his sources were wrong . It 's not easy to track a Bearer . The burden / gift they bear making it too hard to get a fix on them . He 's about to get up , throwing the contents of his glass down his throat , when the kitchen door swings open and a young man steps through . Lawrence puts his cup down and watches him . Something in the way he moves is different . Somehow his movements come off as light , almost bouncy . Even just clearing dishes from tables , his movements are quick , precise . He wears a t - shirt , jeans , and boots , all are cheap , but he still has an air of status . Lawrence notes that he 's not sweating . He looks up , checking for more stray dishes . Lawrence motions him over . " You finished with this , mister ? " Lawrence inhales and catches the scent of aged stone . " Sorry , mister , I 'm just here for the dishes . You 'll want to try Craiper St . around ten tonight . " He grabs a plate , Lawrence grabs his wrist . Sun … Heat … Dry … Sand … Lawrence pulls his hand away , palm red . Perspiration stands out on the young man 's brow now , fear in his eyes . He slides into the booth across from Lawrence . Lawrence pours another glass of water and waits for the boy to say something . " I 'm on break ! " She throws up her hands and goes back into the kitchen . Tito smiles at Lawrence . " Let 's go outside . " Lawrence downs his water and follows him out and around the diner . " I 'm Benjamin Fuller , but everyone calls me , Tito . Now who the hell are you ? " It 's a fair question . If he doesn 't know what he is then he 's probably really freaked out . Lawrence can 't blame him , he 's been there . " Ha , not likely , man . " Tito looks skeptical , very skeptical . There 's at least fifteen years between them . And while Tito isn 't a full blooded Mexican , Lawrence can tell at least one of his parents is , while Lawrence couldn 't be more white without being an albino . It 's hard to believe . " I don 't mean biologically . I mean spiritually . " Tito 's face is instantly serious . " You can feel it , can 't you ? That subtle , tickling at the back of your brain that makes you feel like you know me , even while at your core I unsettle you . " " Yes . " Tito looks so relieved that it breaks Lawrence 's heart . He knows what it 's like to finally have this explained . Lawrence had spent three years in a mental hospital trying to deal by himself . Tito is a strong young man . " Where is there open desert ? " Tito points down an alley . Lawrence starts walking , Tito doesn 't need to be told to follow , he falls into step next to Lawrence careful not to touch him . They come out the other end of the alley seeing open land . For Lawrence it 's as close to nothing as he ever wants to get . Longing fills Tito 's eyes . " I want to share something with you . Watch out there . " Lawrence takes a deep breath and centers himself . The urge to speak has been growing since they stepped out of the diner , the dryness creeping in to all his dark places . Tito 's hands fly up to cover his ears . " Ah ! What the hell ? " FLASH ! BOOM ! The thunder cuts off any further curses . Tito 's gaze is drawn out to the desert , where black storm clouds have formed out of nowhere . The fear is back in his eyes , he retreats till his back hits the wall to the building . " What have you done ? " " I spoke my Word . We 're Word Bearers , Tito . You have your own . Can you feel it ? Deep in core . " Lawrence can see he 's confused . He 's frightened , overwhelmed . FLASHBOOM ! " You can stop this , Tito . Go ahead . Say your Word . I want to hear it . " " I don 't … I 'm not sure . " Confusion and fear war on Tito 's face . Lawrence hopes he won 't run . He didn 't mean to scare the boy . " Of course you 're sure . You 've known it for centuries , you just haven 't spoken it yet . It 's okay . I 'm here with you . " His first step is hesitant , his second is firm , his third is confident . Lawrence realizes he 's holding his breath . Tito looks up at him , he nods . Tito fixes his gaze on the storm . " " There it is . It 's as quiet as Lawrence 's Word is loud , but no less powerful . It 's so beautiful . As Lawrence watches the storm clouds dissipate a tear rolls down his cheek . 2 Dad suffered even from a sight of blood , and he never killed a hen nor slaughtered a pig . But I was aware that once he had donated his blood in the name of my Mum still , because she 'd had a narrow escape on an operating table then . With me a doctor would have my blood tested in a moment : one , two and it 's done . But first they make you ready for rather a time : take a seat , then have a proper finger chosen , though it is always just the one , then they wipe it with spirits until take somewhat sharp like a mini - scalpel . Not everyone can stand the procedure , but I was not against it when a doctor suggested me having my blood tested . She was a likable one , youngish for her age , not married or divorced , probably . And she had no child , I felt it immediately , she had such a look , barren if you want . Possibly for health reasons she could not bear a child or she didn 't find a right man . Or she could have a particular blood group not to have a child with anyone , that 's why she employed at a doctor 's consulting room to make blood tests . And she urged me to have my blood tested . At first I didn 't mind it , the right thing it is , still she didn 't ask my permission . " Just let 's have your blood tested " , she said and left me . She had many things to do I suppose . In doctor 's smocks they walked hither and thither all the time at a clinic there talking over the heads of those waiting , as if one was dead already . And I was still alive and a nurse was preparing to have my blood tested . While she got me ready she was chattering . She said that men were afraid of blood testing nowadays . More and more they refused to do it and ran away sometimes seeing a drop of blood . And one had nothing to fear , there was a couch behind the curtain in a special emergency to lie low , in case one fainted . She pulled the white curtain aside and showed me a couch with dark green leatherette and I shivered all at once : what for they needed my blood ? She suggested me taking off a jacket and rolling up my sleeve , left or right one , I don 't rMy Bio : Mr . Valery Petrovskiy is a journalist and short story writer from Russia . Не is an English Department graduate at Chuvash State University , Cheboksary , graduated in journalism at VKSch Higher School , Moscow and in psychology at Kazan State Technology University . He has been writing prose since 2005 . Some of his writing has been published in The Scrambler , Rusty Typer , BRICKrethoric , NAP Magazine , Literary Burlesque , The Other Room , Curbside Quotidian , DANSE MACABRE , WidowMoon Press , PRIME MINCER , Apocrypha and Abstractions , The Legendary in the USA , and in Australian " Skive " and " Going Down Swinging " magazines . At the moment he is writer - in - residence at Marco Polo Art Mag . It 's dark in here . That 's because I live at the bottom of the jewellery box along with the other outcasts : the tangled necklace with the broken lobster claw and teddy pendant she got for her eleventh birthday , along with the bracelet that 's missing a couple of gem stones . She always says she will have them repaired but never does , preferring to spend the money on more fashionable pieces instead that imitate Asian and Oriental designs . An untrained eye might imagine that they were found by a back - packer on their travels , but they weren 't . They can be bought from any shop on the high - street , and are merely echoes of worlds she 's never seen . Not all of us down here are broken though . I 'm not , and neither is the engagement ring she got from Mark , ( who eventually cheated on her with Shannon from Reception , ) or the belly bar she took out when she put weight on and decided looked too young for her anyway . The ones at the top who get worn more often pity us , ( ' how boring it must be , ' they say to each other in whispers they think we can 't hear , ' being cooped up down there , month in , month out , ' ) but in a way they 're jealous . As I 've said , you could buy them in their hundreds if you wanted to , and they are without sentimental value like the childhood necklace or the belly bar that reminds her of her wild teens and early twenties . They 're easily replaced and she gives them away when they become outdated - or chucks them if even her younger sister and the charity shops say no , thanks . She doesn 't like Mark 's ring or me , so it isn 't often that her fingers dig through the chunky bangles and strings of beads to bring me to the surface . It happens maybe three or four times a year when she has arranged to visit The Matriarch . The ring doesn 't even get a look in . Why Mark wouldn 't let her give it back to him so that he could give it to someone he did love is beyond us ; at least that way it would have been enjoyed . All the same , seeing as I 'm an heirloom and the ring is eighteen carat white goPerhaps you imagine I get bitter when the voices of the favoured ones float above my head , chattering away about their ventures out of the box : days at work , dinners , dates , parties and who was there , who wasn 't there , what she wore … you get the drift . Or worse , maybe you feel sorry for me . I 'd rather you didn 't . Pity the rest but not me . I 'm not so keen on their weight pressing down on me but I don 't mind the dark . In fact I quite like it . It reminds me of home , my real one , from before I met people . As for being bitter , you can rule that out . I 'm a pearl , darling ; it 's not in my nature . You lot have seen me as a symbol of love for thousands of years and I do try to live up to my name by being kind - although I cannot help but wince sometimes at the irony , given that the first person I ever met died . Don 't look at me like that ; it wasn 't my fault . But that 's why she doesn 't like me . All the same , when you 've being kept in a family for over a century you do take an interest in your present owner , even if it 's not reciprocated , so I enjoy listening to the young ones ' gossip . Let them have their fun while they still can . The best they can hope for is a place in a child 's dressing - up box in just a few , short years so they might as well enjoy it . 2 . Memories . I might be old - fashioned and be from a past that she and you would rather forget , but I 'm not like your kind . I will endure and outlive the others , her - even you . And I never forget . My memory doesn 't grow weak with age , it gets stronger . I can still smell what my home was like ; still feel the movements of the person who found me when he panicked and rushed too quickly to the top , and the urgent , grasping hand of the first , but different person to ever touch me , as though I 'd only stopped smelling and feeling them a minute ago . The memories of my owners and the events in their lives play like the films you are so fond of ; the moment when her grandfather proposed to her grandmother , and the christening of her mother , they are a3 . Before she grew up . I suppose you think it strange that her grandmother , ( or The Matriarch as she jokingly calls her , ) skipped a generation and gave me to someone who doesn 't like me , but it never used to be this way . When she was little and used to visit her grandmother she would ask , ( very politely after giving her a peck on the cheek , ) if she could play with her jewellery box . The answer was always yes , and she would very carefully hunt through the diamonds and gold to find me , pin me to her jumper and wear me for the rest of the time she was there . It became something of a ritual , to the point where her grandmother began to pick me out herself and would put me on the coffee table ready for when she arrived . When she was eighteen , The Matriarch had a heart attack , and fearing that she would never leave hospital , insisted on the girl 's mother driving for two hours to get me , so that she could give me to her personally before it was too late . They were very close , and still are in spite of the distance , for she survived against all the odds . Whenever she goes to see her she always comments on how lovely it is , seeing her granddaughter all grown up , wearing her old brooch that 's always been her favourite . And I was for a time . Traditionally I was only worn for a special or significant occasion , but when she was at college I had the strange but enjoyable experience of being put in her pocket and going with her , and if she felt nervous about something her fingers would slide down to stroke me . Normally I hated people manhandling me , but I didn 't mind in her case - it was better than her biting her nails . It was almost as if she thought that having me with her would stop something bad happening - and I have been viewed as ' lucky . ' Stop sniggering , it 's true . In the days of knights and sword - fighting , we would be worn when the rich and noble went into battle because they thought we would protect them from harm , so don 't laugh at her . It felt good , being wanted , and I have to confess I came in danger You don 't like being reminded of your past - those days of glory when Britain ruled half the world . I think that 's why you apologise so much , and give more than you can afford to charities trying to save the poor and starving around the globe . It 's almost as though you 're trying to make up for all the wrongs done before you were born . And I 've tried to avoid talking about it in case you ran away - I get lonely sometimes and it 's nice having someone to talk to . But you can 't run forever , things have to be faced eventually . Some of you may already know and may already be trying to shut out the sound of my words by turning your thoughts to the plans you 've made for the weekend , but there 'll be a lot of you who don 't . There are lots of happy anecdotes from my owners ' lives I could have told you but this is the one you need to hear : My story . We are not like your kind , but there is one thing we have in common : just as you can 't remember coming out of the womb , we don 't know what it was like being a grain of sand or piece of shell squeezing our way inside an oyster and hardening ; all I remember is being . There were no thoughts , for when you live inside a shell there isn 't a great deal to think about - nothing happens . That probably sounds dull to you but there was no sadness , no pain or death . It was peaceful , just being . I didn 't know this at the time but even nothing has to come to an end eventually : the day would always have come when I would be found . It will be hard for you to understand what it was like being taken out of water , hearing sounds , seeing colours and light - all for the first time . On paper it sounds great , this explosion of life , but the reality was frightening - and even fear was something I had never heard of or felt before . Maybe that 's why your newborns usually cry when they come out , because they 're scared and want to go back . I 'm trying to think of ways to describe how it was to you , and the only way I can think of is for you to imagine an ancient Egyptian being placed in the middle of a supermarket . That might give you a better idea , but even that doesn 't come close . I 've learnt a lot since then - ( I 've had to , I didn 't have any other choice - ) but there 's one thing I 've never been able to get my head around , and that is time . Your lives are ruled by clocks and diaries telling you when deadlines or birthdays are due , but when you have so much time whole years , even decades can pass you by . Forgive me then , if I am a little hazy on dates . What I can tell you is that I was brought to the surface in the late 1800s , which makes me special . There aren 't many of us that come from nature now . Most are made by man in bulk on farms . Things changed . You suddenly became concerned about human life and diving equipment got better . Both meant that the world 's poor no were no longer forced to hold their breaths for comments » I knew that someone important was going to walk into my life at 12 : 15 , just after I normally drink tea and prepare for an slow day working on the horoscope . Now , maybe you might not believe me . After all , I am a professional charlatan . But I knew something was up , because for the last two weeks every prediction I have made actually worked out . It started when I saw Mrs Henderson . She was a fat woman , an unpleasant woman , a great client . Like most people who wanted a reading , she didn 't want the truth . And normally I didn 't give it to her . I pulled out the equipment . It was a plain set . It looked like bone china , but was made in china for a very low price . Mrs Henderson looked impressed anyway . She had a lot of money , and not a lot of sense . Anyway , I started reading the information contained in the tea leafs . And then the world went blank . When I returned to the world , Mrs Henderson was gone . I walked out of the shop I had rented , and another of the shopkeepers came up to me . He was normally an quiet , amicable chap . This time he looked like he wanted to throttle me . " She came out of here . Howling and crying , like you 'd tried to kill her . " he put his face up to mine , " You ever do it again and I 'll . . " " I don 't know what you 're talking about , " and I backed away from him . He stalked off . I walked back to my shop , ready to wait for my next appointment . Mrs Abbot didn 't come . She left a nervous message on my answer phone . At the time I didn 't realise why . Because I had no other clients for the day , I went home . My mouth opened wide . It was such a shock , it seemed like I 'd just been told I was about to die . And then . Then I was in my bed , looking at the ceiling . The police officers had gone . But it felt more real than a dream . It must have been a dream . Yeah , that was what it was , I convinced myself . Although I should have known better . In Ireland you can make a full time living as a psychic . less so in England . The English wouldn 't even pay you if you could predict the lottery . So I also work as a pitchman . Which , if you think about it , is just another way to make a dishonest buck . I walked to the nearest boot sale , and set up . It isn 't too crowded in the morning . And everyone is busy . So I crawl in through the hedge . They don 't know that I 'm there against the rules . I set up . My table is old fashioned . A suitcase with legs you fold out . Like the true pitchmen of the 50 's . My pitch is the worm . They wiggle around my hand , like they are alive . The fools in the crowd gave me money . That is what they are for . She had the longest blondest hair this side of fairyland , and her smile lights up the room like a flashlight . And I knew I am meant to talk to her . Just now . She walked off . I had the sense she is in trouble . She was poorer than she used to be , her clothes were expensive , but last years fashion . I had a feeling I will meet her again . When I got there , there was Mrs Henderson and her husband . Their eyes were red . They had been crying . I couldn 't understand what they were there for . I managed to get them to leave . At first I thought that the gossip would help me . But the truth is , no one wants to go to a psychic that tells them the truth . Life is hard enough . You go to a psychic to hear lies . I made some money as a pitchman , so it didn 't affect me too much . But I kept on having bad dreams . I kept on seeing people I knew in them . Not just that , I saw how they died . Their pain . And I started to write down what I saw . In a book by my bedside cabinet . The extra time I had meant I was drinking more too . It was like I 'd been cursed . But the worst was the Christians . They decided that these dreams were inspired by Satan . They set up the picket line in front of my office . I started to think I should simply leave . On Wednesday , the cleaner came in . She was a nosy parker . And no mistake . Her husband had died a few years back , and she was interested in everything . While it 's not the way she put it , she was very interested in the diary . All the details of the different murders and deaths I 'd seen . All the factual details that no one else other than the murderer could know . She took it to the police , and they read it , and they got their warrant . I arrived back at the normal time , and nothing was different . The book was there . I didn 't notice the surveillance cameras . Not at all . They broke in that night . It wasn 't a dream . And I looked up to them bleary eyed , a gun pointing in my face , and swore . They dragged me towards the back of the car , and I noticed someone had decided to give the press warning . So it was very public . Once in , they took me right there . And kitted me out in fetching jail clothing , since I was still in pyjamas . This was the first time I was in jail , and I can tell you it is not as bad as some people say . There is an odd vinegar smell , hiding other bodily fluids . And it is never quiet . There is always shouting going on , and doors slammed . But it was no worse than some hotels I 've been in while performing . I looked across at my lawyer . Short , thin , balding and bored . The police officer had my diary in front of him . He picked it up . " In it , you 've got the details of dozens of murders . Information the police hasn 't released to the public . Information . . . dare I say it , in some cases that the police didn 't even know themselves . " And that was it . That was the full content of the interview . I was hustled off into the cell , and ended up waiting for days . In telephone conversations with friends , I knew the police were digging up my life . I was given a notebook , and a pen , and I continued to write down my dreams . I thought I might as well . The police would search my cell every now and again , and confiscate them . They even moved me to solitary . Made sure no one could be feeding me this information . Or , presumably , that I wasn 't ordering the killings . But the dreams continued . They were getting worse and worse . Every morning I woke up feeling like I had not slept . I guess at least things looked up , because they took me from prison . They drove me along country lanes , towards a building . I can 't tell you precisely where it was . It just looked like an old school to be honest . You 'd never have guessed it was an intelligence headquarters . They bundled me out into an empty building . You 've heard of the secret prisons . Well , they are true . They dressed me up in a uniform , tagged my ankle , and locked me in a cage . The only thing they gave me was some paper and a pen to write down my dreams . Sometimes people came to research me . They put me in scanners , and gave me all kinds of medical tests . The results were unsurprising . I was just a normal , healthy individual . And that was how it seemed I was destined to live for the rest of my life . Until I started to hear the voices . They were low . Just like someone was talking in the next room . Distant . And I couldn 't make them out . That night I was tossing and turning , and I heard someone shout out my name . I woke up . No one was there . Then I tried to get asleep again , and managed it . But the voice was insistent . Nothing answered me . The guards walked past my cell . But with the dreams and the voices , I was getting no sleep . It started to affect me so badly I would not even eat food . Within a few days I was exhausted . Mentally and physically drained . And I guess that is what the creatures wanted . Because soon they broke through . It 's hard to tell you how it felt . But if you have ever had a moment of shock , when you suddenly feel like you aren 't there , you 'll know . He said his name . And then the voice faded away . But I knew I had to do precisely what he told me . I 'd go mad otherwise . Maybe I was already mad . The opportunity came sooner than I expected . My handlers were getting anxious . I was producing less predictions than normal , and the federal conviction rate was plummeting through the floor . The handlers looked like model citizens . Dark suits , a man and a woman dressed formally , like they were lawyers . They flashed their badge to me . I don 't know why , the fact I was in a prison gave them away . The police officer fell back . You could see him working it through in his mind . Despite the success of my predictions , he settled on the conclusion I was mad . After all , psychic phenomena were impossible . He 'd read that once . I shook my head . But that night , I was thinking about it , and decided that I had to ask . Had to have a conversation , if only for my sanity . When the voices started up , I leaned forward in my bed . I asked the question again . But he would say nothing of use to me . he would only repeatedly ask me to find his killers . Not very useful . Eventually , I managed to coax his name from him . Nigel . Not a very good name for a joke . That was the strange thing . No murder victims of that name came up . Not any time soon . But a week later , a Nigel disappeared . And I realised the truth . I looked through the court reports . He had been killed by stabbing . They wouldn 't let me out of the jail . So all I could do was read the files they brought on him . And I got the feeling that many of the details had been redacted . it was like looking for a haystack in an elephant : messy and not very satisfactory . There were only two people I decided who could have done it . They both had a great deal to gain . At the end of the day , though , there is a limit to what you can do from inside a jail cell . The guards looked sceptically at me when I asked for it . But I was responsible for half the murder arrests in the district for the last six months . So they eventually gave me what I wanted . Especially when I refused to furnish them with any more information . I don 't know if you have ever been to a proper séance . Well , to be honest , most of the time the knocks are from the medium . But this time it was different . Within moments of the séance starting , I was aware that the room was colder . Then the entire board lifted off the table , and flew towards me . It hit the wall a few inches from my face . The room warmed up again . The presence was gone . For a little while . " I didn 't " I replied . I knew that he didn 't believe me . But he would have to show more senior people . And I knew they couldn 't afford to risk me . I went back to bed . For the first time in weeks , I had no bad dreams . I guess Nigel knew I understood his message . I slept very soundly . Until the next morning . But my guards didn 't really understand . Or they did not want to understand . My handler met me in the interview room the next morning . He looked tired . Besides him sat a man I hadn 't seen before . He wore the cleanest , most expensive suit I had seen during my stay at the states pleasure . The man stood up . He walked out of the room . Measured , and without menace . But he didn 't seem to be a man used to dealing with no . My handler shook his head . He didn 't need to tell me the consequences . All of a sudden , I was put on suicide watch . Woken up every thirty minutes to see if I wasn 't dead yet . The heating in my cell surprisingly broke . I knew I was in their hands totally . But I never realised what it was like to displease them . You see , Nigel might be a ghost , but that doesn 't mean he is stupid . He can see what is happening . He knows they are stopping me doing what he wants . And this gets him angry . They first times he acted , it looked like coincidence . The guards chair would tilt under him , depositing him on the floor . Or cups of coffee were not placed firmly enough on the table . The guards were spooked by me . They knew that I was able to see things they could not . But although the guards face became pale , his hand on the trigger was steady and firm . It was too late . The chair slammed into the guard . He dropped to the floor . Then I saw the guards keys float from his pocket . My cell door was unlocked . I walked over to the guard , stripped his clothes off , and changed into his uniform . I thought I didn 't have much of a choice . If I didn 't do what Nigel wanted he would kill me . Every door I came to slid open without me doing anything . It would have been creepy if I didn 't know what was happening . Soon the alarms started to ring out . People would be grabbing their guns , getting ready to shoot me . I could feel my heart trying to escape from my chest . I soon arrived at fire exit . It opened in front of me . I climbed down some steps . Below me , I could see coppers swarming . I continued to walk down . One of the coppers recognised me . I ran in the opposite direction . He took aim , and I could hear the gun explode behind me . But the bullet didn 't pierce my skin like I expected . Instead , it ended in the ground . I reached a police car , and the engine came on without anyone doing anything . Then I went into a store and bought black trousers and a white shirt . Got changed . And walked out of the shopping centre , expecting to be caught at any time . In my pocket there was five hundred dollars . That was all I had in the world , except for an insane ghost . I decided it was time to go to the library . After chatting to the librarian for a few seconds , she walked me over to a computer which had copies of the local papers for the last twenty years . I typed a search . At first I found nothing , but as I expanded the search back I found him . According to the interview , he was found murdered in his bed . He had been asleep . His wife had been charged and convicted of his murder . But she said she was innocent . Nothing came in response . I knew that would happen . It was too much to hope for . It was getting late at night . The librarian was fussing near me . It was time to go . When you are a fugitive , it isn 't as simple to find a place to stay as booking a room in a hotel . I walked round , looking for an empty house . It took me an hour . Occasionally a police car would go past . It made me nervous . At one time it would have been a posh bungalow . But whoever had owned it had been taken to a care home , and it was covered in weeds and neglect . I walked up to the door , and it swings open . That is one of the advantages of your own private poltergeist . Inside it was a mess . But dry and water proof . There was a wood burning stove in one room . The power was off , and Nigel didn 't turn it on . But the water was only off at the mains . It was easy enough to get it working again . In the morning I would have to start the process of searching for Nigel Slater . I knew roughly where he lived . I fell asleep , and woke up hungry and cramped . Outside , I could hear rustling . I peeked through the window , and could see a man dressed only in black . He looked like he was not very friendly . I ducked down , but he must have seen me . He edged towards the door . It was locked , but he slammed it open . I hid behind the sofa . it didn 't help . He walked towards me . I noticed he had a poker in his hand . There was no way he wouldn 't find me . I stood up . I looked over at him . He had a long scar down his face . it seemed like he was used to trouble . And he was straining to start a fight . I did what he said . He followed me . I thought he might hit me at any second . or recognise me . They must have put my picture out into the news by now . I sighed with relief , but knew that my location might be passed onto the police . I decided it was time to get out of the town . I caught a bus , and tried to hide my face . Since I hadn 't had a bath for a few days it was easier than you might think . People did not want to look me in the eyes . I arrived at Nigel 's house six hours latter . It was a solemn house . A plane front garden laid to grass , brick frontage , and white windows . It didn 't look like anyone had ever cared for it . It looked like it was a place to sleep and not to stay . It took me a few minutes to settle down , and watch the street . There was nothing extraordinary about it . A few people walked past , taking little interest in the stranger . After watching for half an hour , I knew there was little information here for me . Talking round the local shops I found out that Nigel had been a quiet man . Few people knew him , past his saying hello . he didn 't seem to have been involved in anything wrong . or indeed in anything at all . I decided that there could only really have been one source of trouble . He must have found out something at work . Something that made him worth more to someone dead than alive . I got some annual reports from his company and studied them . Amazing what is available on the internet these days . There was little of interest . I applied to work at Nigel 's company as a cleaner . it was a big risk . I supplied false references , and knew they would not check them for months . That 's the thing about cleaners . No one takes any notice . So I got the job , and examined the work place thoroughly . It looked like an office . The computers were always on . Once or twice I looked over the shoulder of someone working but it was all gobbledygook to me . To make it worse , I saw my face on the newspaper when I went for food . Sure , I looked a lot different now . I had grown longer hair , a beard , and was thinner . But it was still me . I grew suspicious of other people . Then came my big break . Several people were working in the office late . I overhead them speaking about a billion dollar deal . The company was getting bought out . I checked the internet , and there was something in the trade section . The routine was the same every day . But one of my colleagues had not turned up to work . So I was asked to clean the main office . I did so . But I did more than that , I broke into the file cabinets , and started reading company secrets . But that didn 't save me for long . The next day I arrived at work a few minutes earlier . Something told me that things were wrong . The security guard on the gate was new . He told me to go out to the bosses office . I walked into a small lab , and looked around . There was a window , and I tried to open it . In the distance I could see five police cars . The window wouldn 't open . There was only one way out . And I knew that by now , there would be police officers between me and the door . I looked round to find a chair . Then used it to break the window . The alarm went , and I slid through the empty hole . But I caught my shoulder on a shard of glass . I was bleeding . The police gave up their pretence . Dozens of sirens started up , heading towards the building . I ran through a green space . I knew that there was only one way out of the compound except the front gate . A hole in the fence I had noticed a few days earlier . But over head their was a helicopter . Although I ran like the wind , it wasn 't enough . I could hear the police men getting closer and closer . I turned around and saw two police officers . They both had guns pointed at me . I raised my hands , and they soon had me on the ground . I arrived at my destination a few hours latter . This time they were taking no chances . I arrived at a super maximum prison . Surrounded by barbed wire , dogs , and armed police officers it was obvious I 'd never get out . The next day the interrogation began . Again and Again . Asking me where I had gone . What I had done . I eventually broke down and told them everything . But that didn 't stop them continuing . Maybe what they were doing was no crime . But it was a form of torture . Eventually , the interrogations stopped . They gave me paper . They wanted to go back to how it used to be . But by that time I had got so angry , even when I did have a dream I kept it to myself . I wasn 't there . So all I can do is repeat the report that was made to me . No guarantee it is what happened . Apparently the director of the FBI had been having an extramarital affair . He was in bed that normal , and engaging in exercise at the same time . This was not expected , but what was even more unexpected was the windows opening wide . And the explosions of a gun . The director of the FBI 's gun . But I do know that it made the national news . The assistant director of the FBI resigned . And , to be frank , most of the people in the FBI did not care much about that . But it was fair warning . He didn 't seem to be exactly happy about what had happened . In fact , he stormed in to the visiting room , and let loose a barrage of swear words . I sat there passively , listening to him . When he calmed down sufficiently , he sat down . " Nigel was right . All he wants is his murderer found . But he isn 't going to stop . Not until that is done . Not even if he has to kill someone else to do it . " " No . I am not . Nigel is a threat to you . If you stand in the way , that is . He is a ghost . What can you do to get rid of him ? " The director of the FBI thought for a few seconds . An hour latter , a priest turned up with bell , book and candle . it didn 't work spectacularly . The power went off , the candle blew out , the bell rang , and the book was thrown across the room . The director gestured to the mirror and two toughs walked in . They carried some rope . They tied me to the chair , and lifted a cosh over their heads . Then all hell broke lose . The cosh swung back by itself . it raised into the air , and came down , laying out one of the thugs . The other caught me a glancing blow , but something unseen lifted him from the floor and threw him against the wall . " You have a choice . Director . Help find Nigel 's killer . Or , I think , Nigel will chase you down and gut you like a fish . " Eventually the Director settled down again . He sat in his chair , silently looking at me . I wasn 't a pretty picture . Thin , and in prison coveralls . I must have looked like a real criminal . They let me go that afternoon . Put me in a suit , and told me I was seconded to the FBI . I was even given my own agent . He was tall , thin , and looked every inch the government man . The agent shook his head . He gave nothing away . That was when I knew he wasn 't sent to help me . Just to keep an eye out on me . Nevertheless , I decided that I could use him . Like he wanted to use me . I looked over to him , and told him to get a warrant . We were going to search Nigel 's company . And read every damn bit of paper they had about Sigma . When we arrived at the door , they had their lawyer sorted out already . Someone must have leaked it . He looked like he had cost a lot of money . " I 'm afraid we have the right not to incriminate ourselves . We are asserting that right . Both as a company , and as individuals . So , no , you can ask any questions but we will not answer them . " I was surprised when I found the clue . It was something no one else would have noticed . A single envelope in the bin . It contained an address . I think Nigel must have been helping me . I was drawn to it . But the thing I noticed was the fact the address had a Sigma stamp . Once we were out of the building , I decided to break away from the FBI agent . I knew some things would work better on my own . it was easier said than done . When I tried to go for a walk that night , he insisted on staying right by me . Getting to the address was difficult . I didn 't have a car , I had to take the bus . Most of the journey there wasn 't even that . And it had began to rain . I must have looked odd , walking around town that late at night , soaked . In fact , I surprised no copper stopped me . " Good enough , " I said . Knowing I was lying as I said it . It wasn 't like it was my strong point . The expression on the coppers face showed he thought not either . He stood there behind me his mouth opened , as I shimmied the lock . it opened . I walked in . This was a mistake , I didn 't notice the small CCTV camera , the camera that was hidden in a plug socket . But it was sending my picture right up to the security office . I worked quickly , going up the stairs to the office . I don 't know what I had expected to see . But what I did see looked just like any other office . Even down to the half drunk cup of coffee . I woke up in the boot of a car . I could feel the engine running , and smell burning petrol . It was pick black . The car started off , bumping along the ground . Hitting me from side to side . My hands were tied behind my back . It was lucky I knew a little magic . I got the knot loose without much effort . Then I grovelled around the car to find something , anything that could help me . There was a wrench , which I picked up . I put the rope around my wrists , hiding the fact I was loose . And put the wrench in my pocket . The boot of the car swung open . One of the security guards lifted me out of the boot . He was covered in muscle . My mouth opened wide . That was the last thing I expected to hear . They marched me along the ground and I saw him for the first time . Nigel . Alive . Then the room went strange . Something turned the lights off , and opened the windows . It even raised a chair off the ground . The security guard looked worried for the first time . " For the last month , I have been searching for the person who killed Nigel Slater . You , sir , are Nigel Slater . But it seems your ghost hasn 't got the information you are alive . " But it didn 't work . By the time that the ambulance arrived , Nigel was in a deep coma . It took only a short time after that until the first homicide detective got there . But the truth is , it was fate . No ones fault . Except the murderer . After all , how can Nigel Slater 's ghost come into my dreams unless he is actually killed ? What happened next surprised me . The cops arrested me . Told me I was being held on suspicion of murder . I told them not to be idiots , but they wrote it in their notebooks and not their minds . By that point the clues would be getting stale , so I drove right to the company . But they wouldn 't let me in . it was a police investigation , they said . No dice . I called the FBI agent and asked him to run the full scan on Slater . By the time he had finished I would know every single family member . And all I had to do was interview them . The only clue left to me was Sigma . The company was closed for a few hours , but the managing director wasn 't . Again the FBI came to my rescue . They had the address , and I wasn 't afraid to use it . We walked up the garden path . It wasn 't the most luxurious house that a managing director had ever lived at . But I knocked on the door anyway . I walked in . Behold , the group was all there . The director of the FBI himself . The attorney general . And a four star general . I could feel the back of my assistant straightening up . The Managing Director pressed a button on the TV . It switched on . Nigel Slater 's office . I saw him pick up his glass . Put the chemicals in it . The MD fast forwarded . Nigel killed himself . " Oil . We got him to produce computer models . All the oil reserves . He was so great . . . well , he could produce a program that told us exactly where oil was , just from satellite images . " Just at that moment a dozen armed guards came into the room . Their guns were pointed right at me . I raised my hands , and was soon plunged into the carpet . They searched me . Didn 't find anything interesting . " Yeah . But I don 't think you did it . I don 't think you were that smart . But I don 't know what this being who calls himself Nigel Slater is , " I didn 't struggle . By now , them putting handcuffs on me was almost routine . I just wish I had been able to continue my life as a charlatan . I didn 't know what to say to that . it was true . it was obvious when you think about it . Nigel had told me he was murdered when he was still alive . but no one ever said the soul was bound to the arrow of time . Within a few minutes we had picked up an escort . From what I could tell , they had closed the road down . Only we were travelling that evening . I gulped . It looked like things were just about to head for the worse . The trip to the Whitehouse was the most fraught I had experienced in my life . The director of the FBI was reading faxes and emails in the car . His face was getting more and more pale . " I guess like the English did in WWII . With disinformation . We need to get an Chinese agent and feed him bad info . And I guess Nigel might be your best hope for that . " I guess the FBI director caught on quickly . Because he could go anywhere , Nigel could listen to the Chinese chatter . He could find Chinese agents . Maybe he didn 't know Chinese , but he knew enough to listen in to the English language conversations . It wasn 't a new concept . The CIA had investigated it in the sixties . But they didn 't have a real life ghost , so their experiments failed . This time we had a real ghost . I asked them to pick out the Ouija board again . The séance room was a sight you had never seen in your life . The president and the director of the FBI holding hands , in a dark room . The president of the united states shook his head . You could tell he couldn 't believe what he was seeing . He got up from his seat , and you could almost hear his bones cracking . Over in the corner of the room I could see a computer with satellite images . I could watch the Chinese fleet mobilising in real time . The number of dots that represented aircraft carriers alone was scary . " It will only be a few days before we have to mobilise our own navy . " The wait was excruciating . But suddenly five hours latter , the board started spelling out a name . The FBI director went to work . Within minutes they had the file out . He didn 't look like what you would expect of a Chinese agent . He had long , blonde hair , was dressed in a respectable suit , and had a respectable job . He worked in the old navy base . His job was to work on the files , reading sensitive military information . Including information about resource allocation . Once they checked his bank account the truth became obvious . The FBI director stood up , and paced down the long thin corridor . Then he arrived back in the meeting room with a young woman . She was dressed in military uniform . He explained the plan . It was simple . The Chinese agent needed to think it had all been a hoax . But for that to work , he would have to eat a pack of lies . I wasn 't there , so I can report only what I have been told . The female agent I had been introduced to worked in the old navy headquarters . She worked in the files there . It is a room full of top secret papers . Room might be the wrong word ; it was the size of an aircraft hanger . She worked there , and had spent months being bored . So naturally , she had struck up a conversation with the handsome blonde military attaché . And , the conversation was reciprocated . The director of the FBI looked at her . She didn 't look like much to put the freedom of the world onto . But she was eager . And after being told what to do , she didn 't complain . She saluted . I stood at the back of the room , watching the Director of the FBI feeling out the officer , and knew I would have to talk to Nigel alone . I didn 't trust her . She looked too good to be true with her starched uniform and willing smile . The new agent went into a staff car , to be driven to the headquarters . She looked very lonely in the back of the car . Meanwhile , we walked to the operations room . There was a banks of monitors the length of the room . We could see satellite images of the build up of the Chinese fleet , as well as real time updates of our spies . I nodded . Then looked back over to the screens . I could see our agent depositing the papers in her draw . She phoned up the Chinese agent , and set up dinner . It looked like a glorious feast . Roast duck , with all the trimmings . The doorbell went . She walked over to it , and opened it . She said something , and the Chinese agent walked into the room . After ten minutes of conversation , she walked away . To go to the toilet . He walked over to the draws , and started rummaging . After a few minutes he found the file our agent had left . He took out the smallest camera you have ever seen , and clicked the image . After that , he put the files away . After he left , the confirmation came thick and fast . The Chinese fleet disbanded . It was amazing to see , but they split up within a matter of hours . Soon the sea around Taiwan was empty except for commercial shipping . I guess that if this had been a story that would be it . I would have been given a party , a celebration , and been allowed to leave . After all , I had saved the day . Well , Nigel did leave . I haven 't heard from him since . After they had finished celebrating , a guard collected me , and drove me in a prison van to here . It is a cold concrete cell . I am allowed a TV , and to write carefully vetted letters . I 'm not sure how I will post this , my story . Maybe I will write it under the postage stamp . I guess for an old crook like me , it is fair . But I wish I had been sent to jail for something I did . And not for some trumped up terrorist charge . Currently we only offer payment for one story selected as the feature story in the monthly pdf magazine only . The successful author will be contacted to organise payment via paypal for a $ 5AUD payment . 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The ship swayed and creaked . He feels every bit of it in his body . Taking no chances the crew , damnedable pirates , have chained him with no give . Legs bound in a kneeling position , arms chained to either wall crucifying him to the ship like a perverse figurehead , he 's been their captive long enough to have forgotten the feel of kindness . It is a small blessing that their fear of him keeps his gag in place at all times . It keeps them from coming anywhere near him . The captain learned a long time ago that he gleans all he needs to live from the moisture in the air , the brine in his eyes . During storms , when he is strongest , the captain posts guards with him . They don 't look at him . A terrible hope fills him today . By the movement of the ship and the crew 's curses , he knows that they 're being pursued by another ship . This ship is a runner , fast . There 'd be little concern of capture if the ship did not gain its quickness from being light , gain its lightness from having little room for armaments or supplies . The pursuers have had them going for a week now and they 'd been out of port for at least a month . He knows from the panic in the crew that the food is all but gone . Soon they 'll be too weak to load what small guns are aboard . He 'd be surprised if they could remember how to sight the cannons it 's been so long since the captain has ordered them used . His hope stems from the pirates ' desperation . If they succumb to practicality then they 'll come for him . With frightened hearts and shaking hands , they 'll undo his chains and he 'll get to spend some time under the sky instead of under foot . So he waits for their desperation to bloom practicality . It does not take long . The first mate comes with three guards and the keys . It is always the first mate that comes to get him . The captain coming himself would make him a person that the captain fears , he wouldn 't last long once that got out among the crew . The first mate is the only one he trusts with the keys to his chains . " The captain wants to see you . " He speaks with a unique accent that comes with the ship 's pidgin of French , Spanish , and Greek . His ears hear the gibberish , but his mind provides him with the meaning . Slowly , they unchain his arms from the ship and secure them behind his back . The guards are afraid to touch him , unsure whether he 'll break or they 'll be infected with something . It strikes him as odd how religious some of these men are . Coming onto the deck , sea spray hits him in the face , covers his bare chest . He instantly feels more alive . He stands taller , muscles flex , the chains bite into his skin . They take him to the captain , standing at the aft of the ship . He stands beside the captain looking out at the wide ocean , the only thing marring their perfect view of the horizon the pursuers . The first mate and guards fold themselves into the three other men standing around them . The captain just stands there for a few minutes , ignoring him . This too is done to show the crew he will do this in his own time , to show that the man he keeps below decks does not frighten him . Around the gag , behind the locked mouth plate , he smiles . Only he and the captain know what he is , and he knows that the captain is frightened of that . " I have use of you . " From under his coat he draws out the key that only he is allowed to keep . He inserts into lock for the face plate . " If you hurt this ship my men will stab you and you will die before you can swim for freedom . Like always , yeah ? " He nods . It 's always the same threat . It vaguely occurs to him that this is only a half life . But then , the spirits would kill for half a life . The plate falls away and he spits the wooden wedge from his mouth . His tongue sticks out , tasting the salt in the air . He flexes his jaw , taking in the blue sky , the white clouds , the gentle waves . He smiles at the captain . Other than the crew 's swords there is very little compelling him . Finally , the captain 's annoyance at the delay shows on his face . He focuses on ship on the horizon . He tries not to think of the men on the ship . He knows he will have to answer for his actions one day , but he 's trying to postpone that day for as long as possible . " I 'm fine . Sorry . " The cabby 's eyes dart from the road to the rearview mirror and back . " I 'm good . I 'm okay . " The cabby 's eyes return to the road and stay there , Lawrence was prepared to keep reassuring him for the rest of the drive as long as he didn 't take his eyes off the road . " That jetlag 's a bitch , isn 't it ? " " Yeah , jetlag . " He doesn 't really feel like talking so he looks out the window . What he sees unsettles him so much that he almost closes his eyes again . Outside the cab desert stretched on for miles . When he 'd met the cabby at the airport he 'd been fine . They 'd been in the middle of a city . He preferred the buildings and people to the endless dry expanse . He tried to think of it as a sea of earth but it just made him queasy . He can 't help it , he closes his eyes . " We 're almost there , " the cabby rouses him . " If I 'd of known I wouldn 't have let you sleep at all . You wouldn 't believe how many people fall asleep in my cab from the airport . " The cabby keeps up a steady stream of chitchat for the next few minutes . Lawrence doesn 't say much , but he 's glad for the distraction . " Here we go , buddy . " He pulls up in front of an independent diner . Lawrence can tell the sign was made with care when it was painted , years in the desert sun has faded it badly . " They got good food here ? " " I don 't know . This is my first time here . " He pays the fare and steps out of the air - conditioned interior . His lips are immediately dry and cracked . The heat cuts him to the core as fast as it dried his lips , the urge to speak rises in him . He needs to escape this heat , he 's drowning in dryness . He rushes inside hoping that they 'll have air - conditioning . No such luck . The interior of the restaurant is as faded as the exterior . He seats himself , impatiently tapping his foot waiting for the waitress . He can hear the sound of the wind . Not the dry , lifeless wind of the desert , but the damp , alive wind of the storm . It 's calling to him , begging him to call out . He licks his lips with a tongue he can barely feel . He can 't help himself , the desert is antithesis for him . Why had he decided to come here ? To satisfy some adolescent curiosity ? He takes one long , shuttering breath . " The special , two of them , just bring me a pitcher of water . " His throat feels so dry . He has to speak now before he loses his chance . " Hmph ! " With blurry vision he watches her flounce back to the kitchen . He grabs the edge of the table to steady himself . He 's clenching his jaw by the time she comes back with a glass for him . He swallows half of it . The cool liquid fills him , calming him . Vision clears , hands stop shaking , the urge lessening . The torrent of wind in his ears shifts to a gentle breeze . How close had he come ? The waitress turns to leave again , he grabs her arm . " Can I get you anything else ? " She says it in such a way that makes Lawrence wonder if it 's actually a question . She tired of him he can tell . She 's too used to bullying the locals . He doesn 't trying to be nice to her , he just takes out a fifty and lays it on the table . " This is your tip if you keep bringing me pitchers of water . " Her eyes gleam slightly as she stares at the bill on the table . Slowly she puts the pitcher on the table . " Thank you . " He drains the rest of his glass and pours another . He finishes this one in three huge gulps . He doesn 't feel as trapped now , his breathing has evened out . He fills the glass a third time , finishing off the pitcher , but only sips this one . A couple minutes pass , the waitress brings his two specials and another pitcher . Lawrence only picks at his food . Between the desert and the age of the equipment in the diner the food is completely dry . Mainly he just cuts up the food and moves it around on his plate . Mainly he watches the people in the restaurant . He immediately discounts his waitress . Seeing her move around the diner , speaking with her , she 's spent most of her life trying to get away from this place . It 's a pity that she 'd never really feel like she belongs anywhere . An old man sits in another booth . He is weathered , his countenance telling the story of a life in the desert . Despite the heat of the day he 's drinking coffee . Lawrence would have considered him a likely candidate if his research didn 't tell him he is looking for someone younger . Besides the old man doesn 't look like he belongs here , only that he 's gotten used to living here . It 's an old style diner setup , so Lawrence can see the cook behind the half wall separating the kitchen from the dining area . Cook would be a wonderful job for who he 's looking for . The heat rising from the stove providing a fix for the cravings while at work . Though nothing compared to the natural heat of the desert it would do while at work . Unfortunately the cook is wearing a sleeveless shirt that 's plastered to his body with sweat . Lawrence 's heart falls . He 's not close enough to the cook to pick up a flow from him , but the fact that he 's sweating tells him all he needs to know . It 's possible his sources were wrong . It 's not easy to track a Bearer . The burden / gift they bear making it too hard to get a fix on them . He 's about to get up , throwing the contents of his glass down his throat , when the kitchen door swings open and a young man steps through . Lawrence puts his cup down and watches him . Something in the way he moves is different . Somehow his movements come off as light , almost bouncy . Even just clearing dishes from tables , his movements are quick , precise . He wears a t - shirt , jeans , and boots , all are cheap , but he still has an air of status . Lawrence notes that he 's not sweating . He looks up , checking for more stray dishes . Lawrence motions him over . " You finished with this , mister ? " Lawrence inhales and catches the scent of aged stone . " Sorry , mister , I 'm just here for the dishes . You 'll want to try Craiper St . around ten tonight . " He grabs a plate , Lawrence grabs his wrist . Sun … Heat … Dry … Sand … Lawrence pulls his hand away , palm red . Perspiration stands out on the young man 's brow now , fear in his eyes . He slides into the booth across from Lawrence . Lawrence pours another glass of water and waits for the boy to say something . " I 'm on break ! " She throws up her hands and goes back into the kitchen . Tito smiles at Lawrence . " Let 's go outside . " Lawrence downs his water and follows him out and around the diner . " I 'm Benjamin Fuller , but everyone calls me , Tito . Now who the hell are you ? " It 's a fair question . If he doesn 't know what he is then he 's probably really freaked out . Lawrence can 't blame him , he 's been there . " Ha , not likely , man . " Tito looks skeptical , very skeptical . There 's at least fifteen years between them . And while Tito isn 't a full blooded Mexican , Lawrence can tell at least one of his parents is , while Lawrence couldn 't be more white without being an albino . It 's hard to believe . " I don 't mean biologically . I mean spiritually . " Tito 's face is instantly serious . " You can feel it , can 't you ? That subtle , tickling at the back of your brain that makes you feel like you know me , even while at your core I unsettle you . " " Yes . " Tito looks so relieved that it breaks Lawrence 's heart . He knows what it 's like to finally have this explained . Lawrence had spent three years in a mental hospital trying to deal by himself . Tito is a strong young man . " Where is there open desert ? " Tito points down an alley . Lawrence starts walking , Tito doesn 't need to be told to follow , he falls into step next to Lawrence careful not to touch him . They come out the other end of the alley seeing open land . For Lawrence it 's as close to nothing as he ever wants to get . Longing fills Tito 's eyes . " I want to share something with you . Watch out there . " Lawrence takes a deep breath and centers himself . The urge to speak has been growing since they stepped out of the diner , the dryness creeping in to all his dark places . Tito 's hands fly up to cover his ears . " Ah ! What the hell ? " FLASH ! BOOM ! The thunder cuts off any further curses . Tito 's gaze is drawn out to the desert , where black storm clouds have formed out of nowhere . The fear is back in his eyes , he retreats till his back hits the wall to the building . " What have you done ? " " I spoke my Word . We 're Word Bearers , Tito . You have your own . Can you feel it ? Deep in core . " Lawrence can see he 's confused . He 's frightened , overwhelmed . FLASHBOOM ! " You can stop this , Tito . Go ahead . Say your Word . I want to hear it . " " I don 't … I 'm not sure . " Confusion and fear war on Tito 's face . Lawrence hopes he won 't run . He didn 't mean to scare the boy . " Of course you 're sure . You 've known it for centuries , you just haven 't spoken it yet . It 's okay . I 'm here with you . " His first step is hesitant , his second is firm , his third is confident . Lawrence realizes he 's holding his breath . Tito looks up at him , he nods . Tito fixes his gaze on the storm . " " There it is . It 's as quiet as Lawrence 's Word is loud , but no less powerful . It 's so beautiful . As Lawrence watches the storm clouds dissipate a tear rolls down his cheek . 2 Dad suffered even from a sight of blood , and he never killed a hen nor slaughtered a pig . But I was aware that once he had donated his blood in the name of my Mum still , because she 'd had a narrow escape on an operating table then . With me a doctor would have my blood tested in a moment : one , two and it 's done . But first they make you ready for rather a time : take a seat , then have a proper finger chosen , though it is always just the one , then they wipe it with spirits until take somewhat sharp like a mini - scalpel . Not everyone can stand the procedure , but I was not against it when a doctor suggested me having my blood tested . She was a likable one , youngish for her age , not married or divorced , probably . And she had no child , I felt it immediately , she had such a look , barren if you want . Possibly for health reasons she could not bear a child or she didn 't find a right man . Or she could have a particular blood group not to have a child with anyone , that 's why she employed at a doctor 's consulting room to make blood tests . And she urged me to have my blood tested . At first I didn 't mind it , the right thing it is , still she didn 't ask my permission . " Just let 's have your blood tested " , she said and left me . She had many things to do I suppose . In doctor 's smocks they walked hither and thither all the time at a clinic there talking over the heads of those waiting , as if one was dead already . And I was still alive and a nurse was preparing to have my blood tested . While she got me ready she was chattering . She said that men were afraid of blood testing nowadays . More and more they refused to do it and ran away sometimes seeing a drop of blood . And one had nothing to fear , there was a couch behind the curtain in a special emergency to lie low , in case one fainted . She pulled the white curtain aside and showed me a couch with dark green leatherette and I shivered all at once : what for they needed my blood ? She suggested me taking off a jacket and rolling up my sleeve , left or right one , I don 't rMy Bio : Mr . Valery Petrovskiy is a journalist and short story writer from Russia . Не is an English Department graduate at Chuvash State University , Cheboksary , graduated in journalism at VKSch Higher School , Moscow and in psychology at Kazan State Technology University . He has been writing prose since 2005 . Some of his writing has been published in The Scrambler , Rusty Typer , BRICKrethoric , NAP Magazine , Literary Burlesque , The Other Room , Curbside Quotidian , DANSE MACABRE , WidowMoon Press , PRIME MINCER , Apocrypha and Abstractions , The Legendary in the USA , and in Australian " Skive " and " Going Down Swinging " magazines . At the moment he is writer - in - residence at Marco Polo Art Mag . It 's dark in here . That 's because I live at the bottom of the jewellery box along with the other outcasts : the tangled necklace with the broken lobster claw and teddy pendant she got for her eleventh birthday , along with the bracelet that 's missing a couple of gem stones . She always says she will have them repaired but never does , preferring to spend the money on more fashionable pieces instead that imitate Asian and Oriental designs . An untrained eye might imagine that they were found by a back - packer on their travels , but they weren 't . They can be bought from any shop on the high - street , and are merely echoes of worlds she 's never seen . Not all of us down here are broken though . I 'm not , and neither is the engagement ring she got from Mark , ( who eventually cheated on her with Shannon from Reception , ) or the belly bar she took out when she put weight on and decided looked too young for her anyway . The ones at the top who get worn more often pity us , ( ' how boring it must be , ' they say to each other in whispers they think we can 't hear , ' being cooped up down there , month in , month out , ' ) but in a way they 're jealous . As I 've said , you could buy them in their hundreds if you wanted to , and they are without sentimental value like the childhood necklace or the belly bar that reminds her of her wild teens and early twenties . They 're easily replaced and she gives them away when they become outdated - or chucks them if even her younger sister and the charity shops say no , thanks . She doesn 't like Mark 's ring or me , so it isn 't often that her fingers dig through the chunky bangles and strings of beads to bring me to the surface . It happens maybe three or four times a year when she has arranged to visit The Matriarch . The ring doesn 't even get a look in . Why Mark wouldn 't let her give it back to him so that he could give it to someone he did love is beyond us ; at least that way it would have been enjoyed . All the same , seeing as I 'm an heirloom and the ring is eighteen carat white goPerhaps you imagine I get bitter when the voices of the favoured ones float above my head , chattering away about their ventures out of the box : days at work , dinners , dates , parties and who was there , who wasn 't there , what she wore … you get the drift . Or worse , maybe you feel sorry for me . I 'd rather you didn 't . Pity the rest but not me . I 'm not so keen on their weight pressing down on me but I don 't mind the dark . In fact I quite like it . It reminds me of home , my real one , from before I met people . As for being bitter , you can rule that out . I 'm a pearl , darling ; it 's not in my nature . You lot have seen me as a symbol of love for thousands of years and I do try to live up to my name by being kind - although I cannot help but wince sometimes at the irony , given that the first person I ever met died . Don 't look at me like that ; it wasn 't my fault . But that 's why she doesn 't like me . All the same , when you 've being kept in a family for over a century you do take an interest in your present owner , even if it 's not reciprocated , so I enjoy listening to the young ones ' gossip . Let them have their fun while they still can . The best they can hope for is a place in a child 's dressing - up box in just a few , short years so they might as well enjoy it . 2 . Memories . I might be old - fashioned and be from a past that she and you would rather forget , but I 'm not like your kind . I will endure and outlive the others , her - even you . And I never forget . My memory doesn 't grow weak with age , it gets stronger . I can still smell what my home was like ; still feel the movements of the person who found me when he panicked and rushed too quickly to the top , and the urgent , grasping hand of the first , but different person to ever touch me , as though I 'd only stopped smelling and feeling them a minute ago . The memories of my owners and the events in their lives play like the films you are so fond of ; the moment when her grandfather proposed to her grandmother , and the christening of her mother , they are a3 . Before she grew up . I suppose you think it strange that her grandmother , ( or The Matriarch as she jokingly calls her , ) skipped a generation and gave me to someone who doesn 't like me , but it never used to be this way . When she was little and used to visit her grandmother she would ask , ( very politely after giving her a peck on the cheek , ) if she could play with her jewellery box . The answer was always yes , and she would very carefully hunt through the diamonds and gold to find me , pin me to her jumper and wear me for the rest of the time she was there . It became something of a ritual , to the point where her grandmother began to pick me out herself and would put me on the coffee table ready for when she arrived . When she was eighteen , The Matriarch had a heart attack , and fearing that she would never leave hospital , insisted on the girl 's mother driving for two hours to get me , so that she could give me to her personally before it was too late . They were very close , and still are in spite of the distance , for she survived against all the odds . Whenever she goes to see her she always comments on how lovely it is , seeing her granddaughter all grown up , wearing her old brooch that 's always been her favourite . And I was for a time . Traditionally I was only worn for a special or significant occasion , but when she was at college I had the strange but enjoyable experience of being put in her pocket and going with her , and if she felt nervous about something her fingers would slide down to stroke me . Normally I hated people manhandling me , but I didn 't mind in her case - it was better than her biting her nails . It was almost as if she thought that having me with her would stop something bad happening - and I have been viewed as ' lucky . ' Stop sniggering , it 's true . In the days of knights and sword - fighting , we would be worn when the rich and noble went into battle because they thought we would protect them from harm , so don 't laugh at her . It felt good , being wanted , and I have to confess I came in danger You don 't like being reminded of your past - those days of glory when Britain ruled half the world . I think that 's why you apologise so much , and give more than you can afford to charities trying to save the poor and starving around the globe . It 's almost as though you 're trying to make up for all the wrongs done before you were born . And I 've tried to avoid talking about it in case you ran away - I get lonely sometimes and it 's nice having someone to talk to . But you can 't run forever , things have to be faced eventually . Some of you may already know and may already be trying to shut out the sound of my words by turning your thoughts to the plans you 've made for the weekend , but there 'll be a lot of you who don 't . There are lots of happy anecdotes from my owners ' lives I could have told you but this is the one you need to hear : My story . We are not like your kind , but there is one thing we have in common : just as you can 't remember coming out of the womb , we don 't know what it was like being a grain of sand or piece of shell squeezing our way inside an oyster and hardening ; all I remember is being . There were no thoughts , for when you live inside a shell there isn 't a great deal to think about - nothing happens . That probably sounds dull to you but there was no sadness , no pain or death . It was peaceful , just being . I didn 't know this at the time but even nothing has to come to an end eventually : the day would always have come when I would be found . It will be hard for you to understand what it was like being taken out of water , hearing sounds , seeing colours and light - all for the first time . On paper it sounds great , this explosion of life , but the reality was frightening - and even fear was something I had never heard of or felt before . Maybe that 's why your newborns usually cry when they come out , because they 're scared and want to go back . I 'm trying to think of ways to describe how it was to you , and the only way I can think of is for you to imagine an ancient Egyptian being placed in the middle of a supermarket . That might give you a better idea , but even that doesn 't come close . I 've learnt a lot since then - ( I 've had to , I didn 't have any other choice - ) but there 's one thing I 've never been able to get my head around , and that is time . Your lives are ruled by clocks and diaries telling you when deadlines or birthdays are due , but when you have so much time whole years , even decades can pass you by . Forgive me then , if I am a little hazy on dates . What I can tell you is that I was brought to the surface in the late 1800s , which makes me special . There aren 't many of us that come from nature now . Most are made by man in bulk on farms . Things changed . You suddenly became concerned about human life and diving equipment got better . Both meant that the world 's poor no were no longer forced to hold their breaths for comments » I knew that someone important was going to walk into my life at 12 : 15 , just after I normally drink tea and prepare for an slow day working on the horoscope . Now , maybe you might not believe me . After all , I am a professional charlatan . But I knew something was up , because for the last two weeks every prediction I have made actually worked out . It started when I saw Mrs Henderson . She was a fat woman , an unpleasant woman , a great client . Like most people who wanted a reading , she didn 't want the truth . And normally I didn 't give it to her . I pulled out the equipment . It was a plain set . It looked like bone china , but was made in china for a very low price . Mrs Henderson looked impressed anyway . She had a lot of money , and not a lot of sense . Anyway , I started reading the information contained in the tea leafs . And then the world went blank . When I returned to the world , Mrs Henderson was gone . I walked out of the shop I had rented , and another of the shopkeepers came up to me . He was normally an quiet , amicable chap . This time he looked like he wanted to throttle me . " She came out of here . Howling and crying , like you 'd tried to kill her . " he put his face up to mine , " You ever do it again and I 'll . . " " I don 't know what you 're talking about , " and I backed away from him . He stalked off . I walked back to my shop , ready to wait for my next appointment . Mrs Abbot didn 't come . She left a nervous message on my answer phone . At the time I didn 't realise why . Because I had no other clients for the day , I went home . My mouth opened wide . It was such a shock , it seemed like I 'd just been told I was about to die . And then . Then I was in my bed , looking at the ceiling . The police officers had gone . But it felt more real than a dream . It must have been a dream . Yeah , that was what it was , I convinced myself . Although I should have known better . In Ireland you can make a full time living as a psychic . less so in England . The English wouldn 't even pay you if you could predict the lottery . So I also work as a pitchman . Which , if you think about it , is just another way to make a dishonest buck . I walked to the nearest boot sale , and set up . It isn 't too crowded in the morning . And everyone is busy . So I crawl in through the hedge . They don 't know that I 'm there against the rules . I set up . My table is old fashioned . A suitcase with legs you fold out . Like the true pitchmen of the 50 's . My pitch is the worm . They wiggle around my hand , like they are alive . The fools in the crowd gave me money . That is what they are for . She had the longest blondest hair this side of fairyland , and her smile lights up the room like a flashlight . And I knew I am meant to talk to her . Just now . She walked off . I had the sense she is in trouble . She was poorer than she used to be , her clothes were expensive , but last years fashion . I had a feeling I will meet her again . When I got there , there was Mrs Henderson and her husband . Their eyes were red . They had been crying . I couldn 't understand what they were there for . I managed to get them to leave . At first I thought that the gossip would help me . But the truth is , no one wants to go to a psychic that tells them the truth . Life is hard enough . You go to a psychic to hear lies . I made some money as a pitchman , so it didn 't affect me too much . But I kept on having bad dreams . I kept on seeing people I knew in them . Not just that , I saw how they died . Their pain . And I started to write down what I saw . In a book by my bedside cabinet . The extra time I had meant I was drinking more too . It was like I 'd been cursed . But the worst was the Christians . They decided that these dreams were inspired by Satan . They set up the picket line in front of my office . I started to think I should simply leave . On Wednesday , the cleaner came in . She was a nosy parker . And no mistake . Her husband had died a few years back , and she was interested in everything . While it 's not the way she put it , she was very interested in the diary . All the details of the different murders and deaths I 'd seen . All the factual details that no one else other than the murderer could know . She took it to the police , and they read it , and they got their warrant . I arrived back at the normal time , and nothing was different . The book was there . I didn 't notice the surveillance cameras . Not at all . They broke in that night . It wasn 't a dream . And I looked up to them bleary eyed , a gun pointing in my face , and swore . They dragged me towards the back of the car , and I noticed someone had decided to give the press warning . So it was very public . Once in , they took me right there . And kitted me out in fetching jail clothing , since I was still in pyjamas . This was the first time I was in jail , and I can tell you it is not as bad as some people say . There is an odd vinegar smell , hiding other bodily fluids . And it is never quiet . There is always shouting going on , and doors slammed . But it was no worse than some hotels I 've been in while performing . I looked across at my lawyer . Short , thin , balding and bored . The police officer had my diary in front of him . He picked it up . " In it , you 've got the details of dozens of murders . Information the police hasn 't released to the public . Information . . . dare I say it , in some cases that the police didn 't even know themselves . " And that was it . That was the full content of the interview . I was hustled off into the cell , and ended up waiting for days . In telephone conversations with friends , I knew the police were digging up my life . I was given a notebook , and a pen , and I continued to write down my dreams . I thought I might as well . The police would search my cell every now and again , and confiscate them . They even moved me to solitary . Made sure no one could be feeding me this information . Or , presumably , that I wasn 't ordering the killings . But the dreams continued . They were getting worse and worse . Every morning I woke up feeling like I had not slept . I guess at least things looked up , because they took me from prison . They drove me along country lanes , towards a building . I can 't tell you precisely where it was . It just looked like an old school to be honest . You 'd never have guessed it was an intelligence headquarters . They bundled me out into an empty building . You 've heard of the secret prisons . Well , they are true . They dressed me up in a uniform , tagged my ankle , and locked me in a cage . The only thing they gave me was some paper and a pen to write down my dreams . Sometimes people came to research me . They put me in scanners , and gave me all kinds of medical tests . The results were unsurprising . I was just a normal , healthy individual . And that was how it seemed I was destined to live for the rest of my life . Until I started to hear the voices . They were low . Just like someone was talking in the next room . Distant . And I couldn 't make them out . That night I was tossing and turning , and I heard someone shout out my name . I woke up . No one was there . Then I tried to get asleep again , and managed it . But the voice was insistent . Nothing answered me . The guards walked past my cell . But with the dreams and the voices , I was getting no sleep . It started to affect me so badly I would not even eat food . Within a few days I was exhausted . Mentally and physically drained . And I guess that is what the creatures wanted . Because soon they broke through . It 's hard to tell you how it felt . But if you have ever had a moment of shock , when you suddenly feel like you aren 't there , you 'll know . He said his name . And then the voice faded away . But I knew I had to do precisely what he told me . I 'd go mad otherwise . Maybe I was already mad . The opportunity came sooner than I expected . My handlers were getting anxious . I was producing less predictions than normal , and the federal conviction rate was plummeting through the floor . The handlers looked like model citizens . Dark suits , a man and a woman dressed formally , like they were lawyers . They flashed their badge to me . I don 't know why , the fact I was in a prison gave them away . The police officer fell back . You could see him working it through in his mind . Despite the success of my predictions , he settled on the conclusion I was mad . After all , psychic phenomena were impossible . He 'd read that once . I shook my head . But that night , I was thinking about it , and decided that I had to ask . Had to have a conversation , if only for my sanity . When the voices started up , I leaned forward in my bed . I asked the question again . But he would say nothing of use to me . he would only repeatedly ask me to find his killers . Not very useful . Eventually , I managed to coax his name from him . Nigel . Not a very good name for a joke . That was the strange thing . No murder victims of that name came up . Not any time soon . But a week later , a Nigel disappeared . And I realised the truth . I looked through the court reports . He had been killed by stabbing . They wouldn 't let me out of the jail . So all I could do was read the files they brought on him . And I got the feeling that many of the details had been redacted . it was like looking for a haystack in an elephant : messy and not very satisfactory . There were only two people I decided who could have done it . They both had a great deal to gain . At the end of the day , though , there is a limit to what you can do from inside a jail cell . The guards looked sceptically at me when I asked for it . But I was responsible for half the murder arrests in the district for the last six months . So they eventually gave me what I wanted . Especially when I refused to furnish them with any more information . I don 't know if you have ever been to a proper séance . Well , to be honest , most of the time the knocks are from the medium . But this time it was different . Within moments of the séance starting , I was aware that the room was colder . Then the entire board lifted off the table , and flew towards me . It hit the wall a few inches from my face . The room warmed up again . The presence was gone . For a little while . " I didn 't " I replied . I knew that he didn 't believe me . But he would have to show more senior people . And I knew they couldn 't afford to risk me . I went back to bed . For the first time in weeks , I had no bad dreams . I guess Nigel knew I understood his message . I slept very soundly . Until the next morning . But my guards didn 't really understand . Or they did not want to understand . My handler met me in the interview room the next morning . He looked tired . Besides him sat a man I hadn 't seen before . He wore the cleanest , most expensive suit I had seen during my stay at the states pleasure . The man stood up . He walked out of the room . Measured , and without menace . But he didn 't seem to be a man used to dealing with no . My handler shook his head . He didn 't need to tell me the consequences . All of a sudden , I was put on suicide watch . Woken up every thirty minutes to see if I wasn 't dead yet . The heating in my cell surprisingly broke . I knew I was in their hands totally . But I never realised what it was like to displease them . You see , Nigel might be a ghost , but that doesn 't mean he is stupid . He can see what is happening . He knows they are stopping me doing what he wants . And this gets him angry . They first times he acted , it looked like coincidence . The guards chair would tilt under him , depositing him on the floor . Or cups of coffee were not placed firmly enough on the table . The guards were spooked by me . They knew that I was able to see things they could not . But although the guards face became pale , his hand on the trigger was steady and firm . It was too late . The chair slammed into the guard . He dropped to the floor . Then I saw the guards keys float from his pocket . My cell door was unlocked . I walked over to the guard , stripped his clothes off , and changed into his uniform . I thought I didn 't have much of a choice . If I didn 't do what Nigel wanted he would kill me . Every door I came to slid open without me doing anything . It would have been creepy if I didn 't know what was happening . Soon the alarms started to ring out . People would be grabbing their guns , getting ready to shoot me . I could feel my heart trying to escape from my chest . I soon arrived at fire exit . It opened in front of me . I climbed down some steps . Below me , I could see coppers swarming . I continued to walk down . One of the coppers recognised me . I ran in the opposite direction . He took aim , and I could hear the gun explode behind me . But the bullet didn 't pierce my skin like I expected . Instead , it ended in the ground . I reached a police car , and the engine came on without anyone doing anything . Then I went into a store and bought black trousers and a white shirt . Got changed . And walked out of the shopping centre , expecting to be caught at any time . In my pocket there was five hundred dollars . That was all I had in the world , except for an insane ghost . I decided it was time to go to the library . After chatting to the librarian for a few seconds , she walked me over to a computer which had copies of the local papers for the last twenty years . I typed a search . At first I found nothing , but as I expanded the search back I found him . According to the interview , he was found murdered in his bed . He had been asleep . His wife had been charged and convicted of his murder . But she said she was innocent . Nothing came in response . I knew that would happen . It was too much to hope for . It was getting late at night . The librarian was fussing near me . It was time to go . When you are a fugitive , it isn 't as simple to find a place to stay as booking a room in a hotel . I walked round , looking for an empty house . It took me an hour . Occasionally a police car would go past . It made me nervous . At one time it would have been a posh bungalow . But whoever had owned it had been taken to a care home , and it was covered in weeds and neglect . I walked up to the door , and it swings open . That is one of the advantages of your own private poltergeist . Inside it was a mess . But dry and water proof . There was a wood burning stove in one room . The power was off , and Nigel didn 't turn it on . But the water was only off at the mains . It was easy enough to get it working again . In the morning I would have to start the process of searching for Nigel Slater . I knew roughly where he lived . I fell asleep , and woke up hungry and cramped . Outside , I could hear rustling . I peeked through the window , and could see a man dressed only in black . He looked like he was not very friendly . I ducked down , but he must have seen me . He edged towards the door . It was locked , but he slammed it open . I hid behind the sofa . it didn 't help . He walked towards me . I noticed he had a poker in his hand . There was no way he wouldn 't find me . I stood up . I looked over at him . He had a long scar down his face . it seemed like he was used to trouble . And he was straining to start a fight . I did what he said . He followed me . I thought he might hit me at any second . or recognise me . They must have put my picture out into the news by now . I sighed with relief , but knew that my location might be passed onto the police . I decided it was time to get out of the town . I caught a bus , and tried to hide my face . Since I hadn 't had a bath for a few days it was easier than you might think . People did not want to look me in the eyes . I arrived at Nigel 's house six hours latter . It was a solemn house . A plane front garden laid to grass , brick frontage , and white windows . It didn 't look like anyone had ever cared for it . It looked like it was a place to sleep and not to stay . It took me a few minutes to settle down , and watch the street . There was nothing extraordinary about it . A few people walked past , taking little interest in the stranger . After watching for half an hour , I knew there was little information here for me . Talking round the local shops I found out that Nigel had been a quiet man . Few people knew him , past his saying hello . he didn 't seem to have been involved in anything wrong . or indeed in anything at all . I decided that there could only really have been one source of trouble . He must have found out something at work . Something that made him worth more to someone dead than alive . I got some annual reports from his company and studied them . Amazing what is available on the internet these days . There was little of interest . I applied to work at Nigel 's company as a cleaner . it was a big risk . I supplied false references , and knew they would not check them for months . That 's the thing about cleaners . No one takes any notice . So I got the job , and examined the work place thoroughly . It looked like an office . The computers were always on . Once or twice I looked over the shoulder of someone working but it was all gobbledygook to me . To make it worse , I saw my face on the newspaper when I went for food . Sure , I looked a lot different now . I had grown longer hair , a beard , and was thinner . But it was still me . I grew suspicious of other people . Then came my big break . Several people were working in the office late . I overhead them speaking about a billion dollar deal . The company was getting bought out . I checked the internet , and there was something in the trade section . The routine was the same every day . But one of my colleagues had not turned up to work . So I was asked to clean the main office . I did so . But I did more than that , I broke into the file cabinets , and started reading company secrets . But that didn 't save me for long . The next day I arrived at work a few minutes earlier . Something told me that things were wrong . The security guard on the gate was new . He told me to go out to the bosses office . I walked into a small lab , and looked around . There was a window , and I tried to open it . In the distance I could see five police cars . The window wouldn 't open . There was only one way out . And I knew that by now , there would be police officers between me and the door . I looked round to find a chair . Then used it to break the window . The alarm went , and I slid through the empty hole . But I caught my shoulder on a shard of glass . I was bleeding . The police gave up their pretence . Dozens of sirens started up , heading towards the building . I ran through a green space . I knew that there was only one way out of the compound except the front gate . A hole in the fence I had noticed a few days earlier . But over head their was a helicopter . Although I ran like the wind , it wasn 't enough . I could hear the police men getting closer and closer . I turned around and saw two police officers . They both had guns pointed at me . I raised my hands , and they soon had me on the ground . I arrived at my destination a few hours latter . This time they were taking no chances . I arrived at a super maximum prison . Surrounded by barbed wire , dogs , and armed police officers it was obvious I 'd never get out . The next day the interrogation began . Again and Again . Asking me where I had gone . What I had done . I eventually broke down and told them everything . But that didn 't stop them continuing . Maybe what they were doing was no crime . But it was a form of torture . Eventually , the interrogations stopped . They gave me paper . They wanted to go back to how it used to be . But by that time I had got so angry , even when I did have a dream I kept it to myself . I wasn 't there . So all I can do is repeat the report that was made to me . No guarantee it is what happened . Apparently the director of the FBI had been having an extramarital affair . He was in bed that normal , and engaging in exercise at the same time . This was not expected , but what was even more unexpected was the windows opening wide . And the explosions of a gun . The director of the FBI 's gun . But I do know that it made the national news . The assistant director of the FBI resigned . And , to be frank , most of the people in the FBI did not care much about that . But it was fair warning . He didn 't seem to be exactly happy about what had happened . In fact , he stormed in to the visiting room , and let loose a barrage of swear words . I sat there passively , listening to him . When he calmed down sufficiently , he sat down . " Nigel was right . All he wants is his murderer found . But he isn 't going to stop . Not until that is done . Not even if he has to kill someone else to do it . " " No . I am not . Nigel is a threat to you . If you stand in the way , that is . He is a ghost . What can you do to get rid of him ? " The director of the FBI thought for a few seconds . An hour latter , a priest turned up with bell , book and candle . it didn 't work spectacularly . The power went off , the candle blew out , the bell rang , and the book was thrown across the room . The director gestured to the mirror and two toughs walked in . They carried some rope . They tied me to the chair , and lifted a cosh over their heads . Then all hell broke lose . The cosh swung back by itself . it raised into the air , and came down , laying out one of the thugs . The other caught me a glancing blow , but something unseen lifted him from the floor and threw him against the wall . " You have a choice . Director . Help find Nigel 's killer . Or , I think , Nigel will chase you down and gut you like a fish . " Eventually the Director settled down again . He sat in his chair , silently looking at me . I wasn 't a pretty picture . Thin , and in prison coveralls . I must have looked like a real criminal . They let me go that afternoon . Put me in a suit , and told me I was seconded to the FBI . I was even given my own agent . He was tall , thin , and looked every inch the government man . The agent shook his head . He gave nothing away . That was when I knew he wasn 't sent to help me . Just to keep an eye out on me . Nevertheless , I decided that I could use him . Like he wanted to use me . I looked over to him , and told him to get a warrant . We were going to search Nigel 's company . And read every damn bit of paper they had about Sigma . When we arrived at the door , they had their lawyer sorted out already . Someone must have leaked it . He looked like he had cost a lot of money . " I 'm afraid we have the right not to incriminate ourselves . We are asserting that right . Both as a company , and as individuals . So , no , you can ask any questions but we will not answer them . " I was surprised when I found the clue . It was something no one else would have noticed . A single envelope in the bin . It contained an address . I think Nigel must have been helping me . I was drawn to it . But the thing I noticed was the fact the address had a Sigma stamp . Once we were out of the building , I decided to break away from the FBI agent . I knew some things would work better on my own . it was easier said than done . When I tried to go for a walk that night , he insisted on staying right by me . Getting to the address was difficult . I didn 't have a car , I had to take the bus . Most of the journey there wasn 't even that . And it had began to rain . I must have looked odd , walking around town that late at night , soaked . In fact , I surprised no copper stopped me . " Good enough , " I said . Knowing I was lying as I said it . It wasn 't like it was my strong point . The expression on the coppers face showed he thought not either . He stood there behind me his mouth opened , as I shimmied the lock . it opened . I walked in . This was a mistake , I didn 't notice the small CCTV camera , the camera that was hidden in a plug socket . But it was sending my picture right up to the security office . I worked quickly , going up the stairs to the office . I don 't know what I had expected to see . But what I did see looked just like any other office . Even down to the half drunk cup of coffee . I woke up in the boot of a car . I could feel the engine running , and smell burning petrol . It was pick black . The car started off , bumping along the ground . Hitting me from side to side . My hands were tied behind my back . It was lucky I knew a little magic . I got the knot loose without much effort . Then I grovelled around the car to find something , anything that could help me . There was a wrench , which I picked up . I put the rope around my wrists , hiding the fact I was loose . And put the wrench in my pocket . The boot of the car swung open . One of the security guards lifted me out of the boot . He was covered in muscle . My mouth opened wide . That was the last thing I expected to hear . They marched me along the ground and I saw him for the first time . Nigel . Alive . Then the room went strange . Something turned the lights off , and opened the windows . It even raised a chair off the ground . The security guard looked worried for the first time . " For the last month , I have been searching for the person who killed Nigel Slater . You , sir , are Nigel Slater . But it seems your ghost hasn 't got the information you are alive . " But it didn 't work . By the time that the ambulance arrived , Nigel was in a deep coma . It took only a short time after that until the first homicide detective got there . But the truth is , it was fate . No ones fault . Except the murderer . After all , how can Nigel Slater 's ghost come into my dreams unless he is actually killed ? What happened next surprised me . The cops arrested me . Told me I was being held on suspicion of murder . I told them not to be idiots , but they wrote it in their notebooks and not their minds . By that point the clues would be getting stale , so I drove right to the company . But they wouldn 't let me in . it was a police investigation , they said . No dice . I called the FBI agent and asked him to run the full scan on Slater . By the time he had finished I would know every single family member . And all I had to do was interview them . The only clue left to me was Sigma . The company was closed for a few hours , but the managing director wasn 't . Again the FBI came to my rescue . They had the address , and I wasn 't afraid to use it . We walked up the garden path . It wasn 't the most luxurious house that a managing director had ever lived at . But I knocked on the door anyway . I walked in . Behold , the group was all there . The director of the FBI himself . The attorney general . And a four star general . I could feel the back of my assistant straightening up . The Managing Director pressed a button on the TV . It switched on . Nigel Slater 's office . I saw him pick up his glass . Put the chemicals in it . The MD fast forwarded . Nigel killed himself . " Oil . We got him to produce computer models . All the oil reserves . He was so great . . . well , he could produce a program that told us exactly where oil was , just from satellite images . " Just at that moment a dozen armed guards came into the room . Their guns were pointed right at me . I raised my hands , and was soon plunged into the carpet . They searched me . Didn 't find anything interesting . " Yeah . But I don 't think you did it . I don 't think you were that smart . But I don 't know what this being who calls himself Nigel Slater is , " I didn 't struggle . By now , them putting handcuffs on me was almost routine . I just wish I had been able to continue my life as a charlatan . I didn 't know what to say to that . it was true . it was obvious when you think about it . Nigel had told me he was murdered when he was still alive . but no one ever said the soul was bound to the arrow of time . Within a few minutes we had picked up an escort . From what I could tell , they had closed the road down . Only we were travelling that evening . I gulped . It looked like things were just about to head for the worse . The trip to the Whitehouse was the most fraught I had experienced in my life . The director of the FBI was reading faxes and emails in the car . His face was getting more and more pale . " I guess like the English did in WWII . With disinformation . We need to get an Chinese agent and feed him bad info . And I guess Nigel might be your best hope for that . " I guess the FBI director caught on quickly . Because he could go anywhere , Nigel could listen to the Chinese chatter . He could find Chinese agents . Maybe he didn 't know Chinese , but he knew enough to listen in to the English language conversations . It wasn 't a new concept . The CIA had investigated it in the sixties . But they didn 't have a real life ghost , so their experiments failed . This time we had a real ghost . I asked them to pick out the Ouija board again . The séance room was a sight you had never seen in your life . The president and the director of the FBI holding hands , in a dark room . The president of the united states shook his head . You could tell he couldn 't believe what he was seeing . He got up from his seat , and you could almost hear his bones cracking . Over in the corner of the room I could see a computer with satellite images . I could watch the Chinese fleet mobilising in real time . The number of dots that represented aircraft carriers alone was scary . " It will only be a few days before we have to mobilise our own navy . " The wait was excruciating . But suddenly five hours latter , the board started spelling out a name . The FBI director went to work . Within minutes they had the file out . He didn 't look like what you would expect of a Chinese agent . He had long , blonde hair , was dressed in a respectable suit , and had a respectable job . He worked in the old navy base . His job was to work on the files , reading sensitive military information . Including information about resource allocation . Once they checked his bank account the truth became obvious . The FBI director stood up , and paced down the long thin corridor . Then he arrived back in the meeting room with a young woman . She was dressed in military uniform . He explained the plan . It was simple . The Chinese agent needed to think it had all been a hoax . But for that to work , he would have to eat a pack of lies . I wasn 't there , so I can report only what I have been told . The female agent I had been introduced to worked in the old navy headquarters . She worked in the files there . It is a room full of top secret papers . Room might be the wrong word ; it was the size of an aircraft hanger . She worked there , and had spent months being bored . So naturally , she had struck up a conversation with the handsome blonde military attaché . And , the conversation was reciprocated . The director of the FBI looked at her . She didn 't look like much to put the freedom of the world onto . But she was eager . And after being told what to do , she didn 't complain . She saluted . I stood at the back of the room , watching the Director of the FBI feeling out the officer , and knew I would have to talk to Nigel alone . I didn 't trust her . She looked too good to be true with her starched uniform and willing smile . The new agent went into a staff car , to be driven to the headquarters . She looked very lonely in the back of the car . Meanwhile , we walked to the operations room . There was a banks of monitors the length of the room . We could see satellite images of the build up of the Chinese fleet , as well as real time updates of our spies . I nodded . Then looked back over to the screens . I could see our agent depositing the papers in her draw . She phoned up the Chinese agent , and set up dinner . It looked like a glorious feast . Roast duck , with all the trimmings . The doorbell went . She walked over to it , and opened it . She said something , and the Chinese agent walked into the room . After ten minutes of conversation , she walked away . To go to the toilet . He walked over to the draws , and started rummaging . After a few minutes he found the file our agent had left . He took out the smallest camera you have ever seen , and clicked the image . After that , he put the files away . After he left , the confirmation came thick and fast . The Chinese fleet disbanded . It was amazing to see , but they split up within a matter of hours . Soon the sea around Taiwan was empty except for commercial shipping . I guess that if this had been a story that would be it . I would have been given a party , a celebration , and been allowed to leave . After all , I had saved the day . Well , Nigel did leave . I haven 't heard from him since . After they had finished celebrating , a guard collected me , and drove me in a prison van to here . It is a cold concrete cell . I am allowed a TV , and to write carefully vetted letters . I 'm not sure how I will post this , my story . Maybe I will write it under the postage stamp . I guess for an old crook like me , it is fair . But I wish I had been sent to jail for something I did . And not for some trumped up terrorist charge . Currently we only offer payment for one story selected as the feature story in the monthly pdf magazine only . The successful author will be contacted to organise payment via paypal for a $ 5AUD payment . 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The ship swayed and creaked . He feels every bit of it in his body . Taking no chances the crew , damnedable pirates , have chained him with no give . Legs bound in a kneeling position , arms chained to either wall crucifying him to the ship like a perverse figurehead , he 's been their captive long enough to have forgotten the feel of kindness . It is a small blessing that their fear of him keeps his gag in place at all times . It keeps them from coming anywhere near him . The captain learned a long time ago that he gleans all he needs to live from the moisture in the air , the brine in his eyes . During storms , when he is strongest , the captain posts guards with him . They don 't look at him . A terrible hope fills him today . By the movement of the ship and the crew 's curses , he knows that they 're being pursued by another ship . This ship is a runner , fast . There 'd be little concern of capture if the ship did not gain its quickness from being light , gain its lightness from having little room for armaments or supplies . The pursuers have had them going for a week now and they 'd been out of port for at least a month . He knows from the panic in the crew that the food is all but gone . Soon they 'll be too weak to load what small guns are aboard . He 'd be surprised if they could remember how to sight the cannons it 's been so long since the captain has ordered them used . His hope stems from the pirates ' desperation . If they succumb to practicality then they 'll come for him . With frightened hearts and shaking hands , they 'll undo his chains and he 'll get to spend some time under the sky instead of under foot . So he waits for their desperation to bloom practicality . It does not take long . The first mate comes with three guards and the keys . It is always the first mate that comes to get him . The captain coming himself would make him a person that the captain fears , he wouldn 't last long once that got out among the crew . The first mate is the only one he trusts with the keys to his chains . " The captain wants to see you . " He speaks with a unique accent that comes with the ship 's pidgin of French , Spanish , and Greek . His ears hear the gibberish , but his mind provides him with the meaning . Slowly , they unchain his arms from the ship and secure them behind his back . The guards are afraid to touch him , unsure whether he 'll break or they 'll be infected with something . It strikes him as odd how religious some of these men are . Coming onto the deck , sea spray hits him in the face , covers his bare chest . He instantly feels more alive . He stands taller , muscles flex , the chains bite into his skin . They take him to the captain , standing at the aft of the ship . He stands beside the captain looking out at the wide ocean , the only thing marring their perfect view of the horizon the pursuers . The first mate and guards fold themselves into the three other men standing around them . The captain just stands there for a few minutes , ignoring him . This too is done to show the crew he will do this in his own time , to show that the man he keeps below decks does not frighten him . Around the gag , behind the locked mouth plate , he smiles . Only he and the captain know what he is , and he knows that the captain is frightened of that . " I have use of you . " From under his coat he draws out the key that only he is allowed to keep . He inserts into lock for the face plate . " If you hurt this ship my men will stab you and you will die before you can swim for freedom . Like always , yeah ? " He nods . It 's always the same threat . It vaguely occurs to him that this is only a half life . But then , the spirits would kill for half a life . The plate falls away and he spits the wooden wedge from his mouth . His tongue sticks out , tasting the salt in the air . He flexes his jaw , taking in the blue sky , the white clouds , the gentle waves . He smiles at the captain . Other than the crew 's swords there is very little compelling him . Finally , the captain 's annoyance at the delay shows on his face . He focuses on ship on the horizon . He tries not to think of the men on the ship . He knows he will have to answer for his actions one day , but he 's trying to postpone that day for as long as possible . " I 'm fine . Sorry . " The cabby 's eyes dart from the road to the rearview mirror and back . " I 'm good . I 'm okay . " The cabby 's eyes return to the road and stay there , Lawrence was prepared to keep reassuring him for the rest of the drive as long as he didn 't take his eyes off the road . " That jetlag 's a bitch , isn 't it ? " " Yeah , jetlag . " He doesn 't really feel like talking so he looks out the window . What he sees unsettles him so much that he almost closes his eyes again . Outside the cab desert stretched on for miles . When he 'd met the cabby at the airport he 'd been fine . They 'd been in the middle of a city . He preferred the buildings and people to the endless dry expanse . He tried to think of it as a sea of earth but it just made him queasy . He can 't help it , he closes his eyes . " We 're almost there , " the cabby rouses him . " If I 'd of known I wouldn 't have let you sleep at all . You wouldn 't believe how many people fall asleep in my cab from the airport . " The cabby keeps up a steady stream of chitchat for the next few minutes . Lawrence doesn 't say much , but he 's glad for the distraction . " Here we go , buddy . " He pulls up in front of an independent diner . Lawrence can tell the sign was made with care when it was painted , years in the desert sun has faded it badly . " They got good food here ? " " I don 't know . This is my first time here . " He pays the fare and steps out of the air - conditioned interior . His lips are immediately dry and cracked . The heat cuts him to the core as fast as it dried his lips , the urge to speak rises in him . He needs to escape this heat , he 's drowning in dryness . He rushes inside hoping that they 'll have air - conditioning . No such luck . The interior of the restaurant is as faded as the exterior . He seats himself , impatiently tapping his foot waiting for the waitress . He can hear the sound of the wind . Not the dry , lifeless wind of the desert , but the damp , alive wind of the storm . It 's calling to him , begging him to call out . He licks his lips with a tongue he can barely feel . He can 't help himself , the desert is antithesis for him . Why had he decided to come here ? To satisfy some adolescent curiosity ? He takes one long , shuttering breath . " The special , two of them , just bring me a pitcher of water . " His throat feels so dry . He has to speak now before he loses his chance . " Hmph ! " With blurry vision he watches her flounce back to the kitchen . He grabs the edge of the table to steady himself . He 's clenching his jaw by the time she comes back with a glass for him . He swallows half of it . The cool liquid fills him , calming him . Vision clears , hands stop shaking , the urge lessening . The torrent of wind in his ears shifts to a gentle breeze . How close had he come ? The waitress turns to leave again , he grabs her arm . " Can I get you anything else ? " She says it in such a way that makes Lawrence wonder if it 's actually a question . She tired of him he can tell . She 's too used to bullying the locals . He doesn 't trying to be nice to her , he just takes out a fifty and lays it on the table . " This is your tip if you keep bringing me pitchers of water . " Her eyes gleam slightly as she stares at the bill on the table . Slowly she puts the pitcher on the table . " Thank you . " He drains the rest of his glass and pours another . He finishes this one in three huge gulps . He doesn 't feel as trapped now , his breathing has evened out . He fills the glass a third time , finishing off the pitcher , but only sips this one . A couple minutes pass , the waitress brings his two specials and another pitcher . Lawrence only picks at his food . Between the desert and the age of the equipment in the diner the food is completely dry . Mainly he just cuts up the food and moves it around on his plate . Mainly he watches the people in the restaurant . He immediately discounts his waitress . Seeing her move around the diner , speaking with her , she 's spent most of her life trying to get away from this place . It 's a pity that she 'd never really feel like she belongs anywhere . An old man sits in another booth . He is weathered , his countenance telling the story of a life in the desert . Despite the heat of the day he 's drinking coffee . Lawrence would have considered him a likely candidate if his research didn 't tell him he is looking for someone younger . Besides the old man doesn 't look like he belongs here , only that he 's gotten used to living here . It 's an old style diner setup , so Lawrence can see the cook behind the half wall separating the kitchen from the dining area . Cook would be a wonderful job for who he 's looking for . The heat rising from the stove providing a fix for the cravings while at work . Though nothing compared to the natural heat of the desert it would do while at work . Unfortunately the cook is wearing a sleeveless shirt that 's plastered to his body with sweat . Lawrence 's heart falls . He 's not close enough to the cook to pick up a flow from him , but the fact that he 's sweating tells him all he needs to know . It 's possible his sources were wrong . It 's not easy to track a Bearer . The burden / gift they bear making it too hard to get a fix on them . He 's about to get up , throwing the contents of his glass down his throat , when the kitchen door swings open and a young man steps through . Lawrence puts his cup down and watches him . Something in the way he moves is different . Somehow his movements come off as light , almost bouncy . Even just clearing dishes from tables , his movements are quick , precise . He wears a t - shirt , jeans , and boots , all are cheap , but he still has an air of status . Lawrence notes that he 's not sweating . He looks up , checking for more stray dishes . Lawrence motions him over . " You finished with this , mister ? " Lawrence inhales and catches the scent of aged stone . " Sorry , mister , I 'm just here for the dishes . You 'll want to try Craiper St . around ten tonight . " He grabs a plate , Lawrence grabs his wrist . Sun … Heat … Dry … Sand … Lawrence pulls his hand away , palm red . Perspiration stands out on the young man 's brow now , fear in his eyes . He slides into the booth across from Lawrence . Lawrence pours another glass of water and waits for the boy to say something . " I 'm on break ! " She throws up her hands and goes back into the kitchen . Tito smiles at Lawrence . " Let 's go outside . " Lawrence downs his water and follows him out and around the diner . " I 'm Benjamin Fuller , but everyone calls me , Tito . Now who the hell are you ? " It 's a fair question . If he doesn 't know what he is then he 's probably really freaked out . Lawrence can 't blame him , he 's been there . " Ha , not likely , man . " Tito looks skeptical , very skeptical . There 's at least fifteen years between them . And while Tito isn 't a full blooded Mexican , Lawrence can tell at least one of his parents is , while Lawrence couldn 't be more white without being an albino . It 's hard to believe . " I don 't mean biologically . I mean spiritually . " Tito 's face is instantly serious . " You can feel it , can 't you ? That subtle , tickling at the back of your brain that makes you feel like you know me , even while at your core I unsettle you . " " Yes . " Tito looks so relieved that it breaks Lawrence 's heart . He knows what it 's like to finally have this explained . Lawrence had spent three years in a mental hospital trying to deal by himself . Tito is a strong young man . " Where is there open desert ? " Tito points down an alley . Lawrence starts walking , Tito doesn 't need to be told to follow , he falls into step next to Lawrence careful not to touch him . They come out the other end of the alley seeing open land . For Lawrence it 's as close to nothing as he ever wants to get . Longing fills Tito 's eyes . " I want to share something with you . Watch out there . " Lawrence takes a deep breath and centers himself . The urge to speak has been growing since they stepped out of the diner , the dryness creeping in to all his dark places . Tito 's hands fly up to cover his ears . " Ah ! What the hell ? " FLASH ! BOOM ! The thunder cuts off any further curses . Tito 's gaze is drawn out to the desert , where black storm clouds have formed out of nowhere . The fear is back in his eyes , he retreats till his back hits the wall to the building . " What have you done ? " " I spoke my Word . We 're Word Bearers , Tito . You have your own . Can you feel it ? Deep in core . " Lawrence can see he 's confused . He 's frightened , overwhelmed . FLASHBOOM ! " You can stop this , Tito . Go ahead . Say your Word . I want to hear it . " " I don 't … I 'm not sure . " Confusion and fear war on Tito 's face . Lawrence hopes he won 't run . He didn 't mean to scare the boy . " Of course you 're sure . You 've known it for centuries , you just haven 't spoken it yet . It 's okay . I 'm here with you . " His first step is hesitant , his second is firm , his third is confident . Lawrence realizes he 's holding his breath . Tito looks up at him , he nods . Tito fixes his gaze on the storm . " " There it is . It 's as quiet as Lawrence 's Word is loud , but no less powerful . It 's so beautiful . As Lawrence watches the storm clouds dissipate a tear rolls down his cheek . 2 Dad suffered even from a sight of blood , and he never killed a hen nor slaughtered a pig . But I was aware that once he had donated his blood in the name of my Mum still , because she 'd had a narrow escape on an operating table then . With me a doctor would have my blood tested in a moment : one , two and it 's done . But first they make you ready for rather a time : take a seat , then have a proper finger chosen , though it is always just the one , then they wipe it with spirits until take somewhat sharp like a mini - scalpel . Not everyone can stand the procedure , but I was not against it when a doctor suggested me having my blood tested . She was a likable one , youngish for her age , not married or divorced , probably . And she had no child , I felt it immediately , she had such a look , barren if you want . Possibly for health reasons she could not bear a child or she didn 't find a right man . Or she could have a particular blood group not to have a child with anyone , that 's why she employed at a doctor 's consulting room to make blood tests . And she urged me to have my blood tested . At first I didn 't mind it , the right thing it is , still she didn 't ask my permission . " Just let 's have your blood tested " , she said and left me . She had many things to do I suppose . In doctor 's smocks they walked hither and thither all the time at a clinic there talking over the heads of those waiting , as if one was dead already . And I was still alive and a nurse was preparing to have my blood tested . While she got me ready she was chattering . She said that men were afraid of blood testing nowadays . More and more they refused to do it and ran away sometimes seeing a drop of blood . And one had nothing to fear , there was a couch behind the curtain in a special emergency to lie low , in case one fainted . She pulled the white curtain aside and showed me a couch with dark green leatherette and I shivered all at once : what for they needed my blood ? She suggested me taking off a jacket and rolling up my sleeve , left or right one , I don 't rMy Bio : Mr . Valery Petrovskiy is a journalist and short story writer from Russia . Не is an English Department graduate at Chuvash State University , Cheboksary , graduated in journalism at VKSch Higher School , Moscow and in psychology at Kazan State Technology University . He has been writing prose since 2005 . Some of his writing has been published in The Scrambler , Rusty Typer , BRICKrethoric , NAP Magazine , Literary Burlesque , The Other Room , Curbside Quotidian , DANSE MACABRE , WidowMoon Press , PRIME MINCER , Apocrypha and Abstractions , The Legendary in the USA , and in Australian " Skive " and " Going Down Swinging " magazines . At the moment he is writer - in - residence at Marco Polo Art Mag . It 's dark in here . That 's because I live at the bottom of the jewellery box along with the other outcasts : the tangled necklace with the broken lobster claw and teddy pendant she got for her eleventh birthday , along with the bracelet that 's missing a couple of gem stones . She always says she will have them repaired but never does , preferring to spend the money on more fashionable pieces instead that imitate Asian and Oriental designs . An untrained eye might imagine that they were found by a back - packer on their travels , but they weren 't . They can be bought from any shop on the high - street , and are merely echoes of worlds she 's never seen . Not all of us down here are broken though . I 'm not , and neither is the engagement ring she got from Mark , ( who eventually cheated on her with Shannon from Reception , ) or the belly bar she took out when she put weight on and decided looked too young for her anyway . The ones at the top who get worn more often pity us , ( ' how boring it must be , ' they say to each other in whispers they think we can 't hear , ' being cooped up down there , month in , month out , ' ) but in a way they 're jealous . As I 've said , you could buy them in their hundreds if you wanted to , and they are without sentimental value like the childhood necklace or the belly bar that reminds her of her wild teens and early twenties . They 're easily replaced and she gives them away when they become outdated - or chucks them if even her younger sister and the charity shops say no , thanks . She doesn 't like Mark 's ring or me , so it isn 't often that her fingers dig through the chunky bangles and strings of beads to bring me to the surface . It happens maybe three or four times a year when she has arranged to visit The Matriarch . The ring doesn 't even get a look in . Why Mark wouldn 't let her give it back to him so that he could give it to someone he did love is beyond us ; at least that way it would have been enjoyed . All the same , seeing as I 'm an heirloom and the ring is eighteen carat white goPerhaps you imagine I get bitter when the voices of the favoured ones float above my head , chattering away about their ventures out of the box : days at work , dinners , dates , parties and who was there , who wasn 't there , what she wore … you get the drift . Or worse , maybe you feel sorry for me . I 'd rather you didn 't . Pity the rest but not me . I 'm not so keen on their weight pressing down on me but I don 't mind the dark . In fact I quite like it . It reminds me of home , my real one , from before I met people . As for being bitter , you can rule that out . I 'm a pearl , darling ; it 's not in my nature . You lot have seen me as a symbol of love for thousands of years and I do try to live up to my name by being kind - although I cannot help but wince sometimes at the irony , given that the first person I ever met died . Don 't look at me like that ; it wasn 't my fault . But that 's why she doesn 't like me . All the same , when you 've being kept in a family for over a century you do take an interest in your present owner , even if it 's not reciprocated , so I enjoy listening to the young ones ' gossip . Let them have their fun while they still can . The best they can hope for is a place in a child 's dressing - up box in just a few , short years so they might as well enjoy it . 2 . Memories . I might be old - fashioned and be from a past that she and you would rather forget , but I 'm not like your kind . I will endure and outlive the others , her - even you . And I never forget . My memory doesn 't grow weak with age , it gets stronger . I can still smell what my home was like ; still feel the movements of the person who found me when he panicked and rushed too quickly to the top , and the urgent , grasping hand of the first , but different person to ever touch me , as though I 'd only stopped smelling and feeling them a minute ago . The memories of my owners and the events in their lives play like the films you are so fond of ; the moment when her grandfather proposed to her grandmother , and the christening of her mother , they are a3 . Before she grew up . I suppose you think it strange that her grandmother , ( or The Matriarch as she jokingly calls her , ) skipped a generation and gave me to someone who doesn 't like me , but it never used to be this way . When she was little and used to visit her grandmother she would ask , ( very politely after giving her a peck on the cheek , ) if she could play with her jewellery box . The answer was always yes , and she would very carefully hunt through the diamonds and gold to find me , pin me to her jumper and wear me for the rest of the time she was there . It became something of a ritual , to the point where her grandmother began to pick me out herself and would put me on the coffee table ready for when she arrived . When she was eighteen , The Matriarch had a heart attack , and fearing that she would never leave hospital , insisted on the girl 's mother driving for two hours to get me , so that she could give me to her personally before it was too late . They were very close , and still are in spite of the distance , for she survived against all the odds . Whenever she goes to see her she always comments on how lovely it is , seeing her granddaughter all grown up , wearing her old brooch that 's always been her favourite . And I was for a time . Traditionally I was only worn for a special or significant occasion , but when she was at college I had the strange but enjoyable experience of being put in her pocket and going with her , and if she felt nervous about something her fingers would slide down to stroke me . Normally I hated people manhandling me , but I didn 't mind in her case - it was better than her biting her nails . It was almost as if she thought that having me with her would stop something bad happening - and I have been viewed as ' lucky . ' Stop sniggering , it 's true . In the days of knights and sword - fighting , we would be worn when the rich and noble went into battle because they thought we would protect them from harm , so don 't laugh at her . It felt good , being wanted , and I have to confess I came in danger You don 't like being reminded of your past - those days of glory when Britain ruled half the world . I think that 's why you apologise so much , and give more than you can afford to charities trying to save the poor and starving around the globe . It 's almost as though you 're trying to make up for all the wrongs done before you were born . And I 've tried to avoid talking about it in case you ran away - I get lonely sometimes and it 's nice having someone to talk to . But you can 't run forever , things have to be faced eventually . Some of you may already know and may already be trying to shut out the sound of my words by turning your thoughts to the plans you 've made for the weekend , but there 'll be a lot of you who don 't . There are lots of happy anecdotes from my owners ' lives I could have told you but this is the one you need to hear : My story . We are not like your kind , but there is one thing we have in common : just as you can 't remember coming out of the womb , we don 't know what it was like being a grain of sand or piece of shell squeezing our way inside an oyster and hardening ; all I remember is being . There were no thoughts , for when you live inside a shell there isn 't a great deal to think about - nothing happens . That probably sounds dull to you but there was no sadness , no pain or death . It was peaceful , just being . I didn 't know this at the time but even nothing has to come to an end eventually : the day would always have come when I would be found . It will be hard for you to understand what it was like being taken out of water , hearing sounds , seeing colours and light - all for the first time . On paper it sounds great , this explosion of life , but the reality was frightening - and even fear was something I had never heard of or felt before . Maybe that 's why your newborns usually cry when they come out , because they 're scared and want to go back . I 'm trying to think of ways to describe how it was to you , and the only way I can think of is for you to imagine an ancient Egyptian being placed in the middle of a supermarket . That might give you a better idea , but even that doesn 't come close . I 've learnt a lot since then - ( I 've had to , I didn 't have any other choice - ) but there 's one thing I 've never been able to get my head around , and that is time . Your lives are ruled by clocks and diaries telling you when deadlines or birthdays are due , but when you have so much time whole years , even decades can pass you by . Forgive me then , if I am a little hazy on dates . What I can tell you is that I was brought to the surface in the late 1800s , which makes me special . There aren 't many of us that come from nature now . Most are made by man in bulk on farms . Things changed . You suddenly became concerned about human life and diving equipment got better . Both meant that the world 's poor no were no longer forced to hold their breaths for comments » I knew that someone important was going to walk into my life at 12 : 15 , just after I normally drink tea and prepare for an slow day working on the horoscope . Now , maybe you might not believe me . After all , I am a professional charlatan . But I knew something was up , because for the last two weeks every prediction I have made actually worked out . It started when I saw Mrs Henderson . She was a fat woman , an unpleasant woman , a great client . Like most people who wanted a reading , she didn 't want the truth . And normally I didn 't give it to her . I pulled out the equipment . It was a plain set . It looked like bone china , but was made in china for a very low price . Mrs Henderson looked impressed anyway . She had a lot of money , and not a lot of sense . Anyway , I started reading the information contained in the tea leafs . And then the world went blank . When I returned to the world , Mrs Henderson was gone . I walked out of the shop I had rented , and another of the shopkeepers came up to me . He was normally an quiet , amicable chap . This time he looked like he wanted to throttle me . " She came out of here . Howling and crying , like you 'd tried to kill her . " he put his face up to mine , " You ever do it again and I 'll . . " " I don 't know what you 're talking about , " and I backed away from him . He stalked off . I walked back to my shop , ready to wait for my next appointment . Mrs Abbot didn 't come . She left a nervous message on my answer phone . At the time I didn 't realise why . Because I had no other clients for the day , I went home . My mouth opened wide . It was such a shock , it seemed like I 'd just been told I was about to die . And then . Then I was in my bed , looking at the ceiling . The police officers had gone . But it felt more real than a dream . It must have been a dream . Yeah , that was what it was , I convinced myself . Although I should have known better . In Ireland you can make a full time living as a psychic . less so in England . The English wouldn 't even pay you if you could predict the lottery . So I also work as a pitchman . Which , if you think about it , is just another way to make a dishonest buck . I walked to the nearest boot sale , and set up . It isn 't too crowded in the morning . And everyone is busy . So I crawl in through the hedge . They don 't know that I 'm there against the rules . I set up . My table is old fashioned . A suitcase with legs you fold out . Like the true pitchmen of the 50 's . My pitch is the worm . They wiggle around my hand , like they are alive . The fools in the crowd gave me money . That is what they are for . She had the longest blondest hair this side of fairyland , and her smile lights up the room like a flashlight . And I knew I am meant to talk to her . Just now . She walked off . I had the sense she is in trouble . She was poorer than she used to be , her clothes were expensive , but last years fashion . I had a feeling I will meet her again . When I got there , there was Mrs Henderson and her husband . Their eyes were red . They had been crying . I couldn 't understand what they were there for . I managed to get them to leave . At first I thought that the gossip would help me . But the truth is , no one wants to go to a psychic that tells them the truth . Life is hard enough . You go to a psychic to hear lies . I made some money as a pitchman , so it didn 't affect me too much . But I kept on having bad dreams . I kept on seeing people I knew in them . Not just that , I saw how they died . Their pain . And I started to write down what I saw . In a book by my bedside cabinet . The extra time I had meant I was drinking more too . It was like I 'd been cursed . But the worst was the Christians . They decided that these dreams were inspired by Satan . They set up the picket line in front of my office . I started to think I should simply leave . On Wednesday , the cleaner came in . She was a nosy parker . And no mistake . Her husband had died a few years back , and she was interested in everything . While it 's not the way she put it , she was very interested in the diary . All the details of the different murders and deaths I 'd seen . All the factual details that no one else other than the murderer could know . She took it to the police , and they read it , and they got their warrant . I arrived back at the normal time , and nothing was different . The book was there . I didn 't notice the surveillance cameras . Not at all . They broke in that night . It wasn 't a dream . And I looked up to them bleary eyed , a gun pointing in my face , and swore . They dragged me towards the back of the car , and I noticed someone had decided to give the press warning . So it was very public . Once in , they took me right there . And kitted me out in fetching jail clothing , since I was still in pyjamas . This was the first time I was in jail , and I can tell you it is not as bad as some people say . There is an odd vinegar smell , hiding other bodily fluids . And it is never quiet . There is always shouting going on , and doors slammed . But it was no worse than some hotels I 've been in while performing . I looked across at my lawyer . Short , thin , balding and bored . The police officer had my diary in front of him . He picked it up . " In it , you 've got the details of dozens of murders . Information the police hasn 't released to the public . Information . . . dare I say it , in some cases that the police didn 't even know themselves . " And that was it . That was the full content of the interview . I was hustled off into the cell , and ended up waiting for days . In telephone conversations with friends , I knew the police were digging up my life . I was given a notebook , and a pen , and I continued to write down my dreams . I thought I might as well . The police would search my cell every now and again , and confiscate them . They even moved me to solitary . Made sure no one could be feeding me this information . Or , presumably , that I wasn 't ordering the killings . But the dreams continued . They were getting worse and worse . Every morning I woke up feeling like I had not slept . I guess at least things looked up , because they took me from prison . They drove me along country lanes , towards a building . I can 't tell you precisely where it was . It just looked like an old school to be honest . You 'd never have guessed it was an intelligence headquarters . They bundled me out into an empty building . You 've heard of the secret prisons . Well , they are true . They dressed me up in a uniform , tagged my ankle , and locked me in a cage . The only thing they gave me was some paper and a pen to write down my dreams . Sometimes people came to research me . They put me in scanners , and gave me all kinds of medical tests . The results were unsurprising . I was just a normal , healthy individual . And that was how it seemed I was destined to live for the rest of my life . Until I started to hear the voices . They were low . Just like someone was talking in the next room . Distant . And I couldn 't make them out . That night I was tossing and turning , and I heard someone shout out my name . I woke up . No one was there . Then I tried to get asleep again , and managed it . But the voice was insistent . Nothing answered me . The guards walked past my cell . But with the dreams and the voices , I was getting no sleep . It started to affect me so badly I would not even eat food . Within a few days I was exhausted . Mentally and physically drained . And I guess that is what the creatures wanted . Because soon they broke through . It 's hard to tell you how it felt . But if you have ever had a moment of shock , when you suddenly feel like you aren 't there , you 'll know . He said his name . And then the voice faded away . But I knew I had to do precisely what he told me . I 'd go mad otherwise . Maybe I was already mad . The opportunity came sooner than I expected . My handlers were getting anxious . I was producing less predictions than normal , and the federal conviction rate was plummeting through the floor . The handlers looked like model citizens . Dark suits , a man and a woman dressed formally , like they were lawyers . They flashed their badge to me . I don 't know why , the fact I was in a prison gave them away . The police officer fell back . You could see him working it through in his mind . Despite the success of my predictions , he settled on the conclusion I was mad . After all , psychic phenomena were impossible . He 'd read that once . I shook my head . But that night , I was thinking about it , and decided that I had to ask . Had to have a conversation , if only for my sanity . When the voices started up , I leaned forward in my bed . I asked the question again . But he would say nothing of use to me . he would only repeatedly ask me to find his killers . Not very useful . Eventually , I managed to coax his name from him . Nigel . Not a very good name for a joke . That was the strange thing . No murder victims of that name came up . Not any time soon . But a week later , a Nigel disappeared . And I realised the truth . I looked through the court reports . He had been killed by stabbing . They wouldn 't let me out of the jail . So all I could do was read the files they brought on him . And I got the feeling that many of the details had been redacted . it was like looking for a haystack in an elephant : messy and not very satisfactory . There were only two people I decided who could have done it . They both had a great deal to gain . At the end of the day , though , there is a limit to what you can do from inside a jail cell . The guards looked sceptically at me when I asked for it . But I was responsible for half the murder arrests in the district for the last six months . So they eventually gave me what I wanted . Especially when I refused to furnish them with any more information . I don 't know if you have ever been to a proper séance . Well , to be honest , most of the time the knocks are from the medium . But this time it was different . Within moments of the séance starting , I was aware that the room was colder . Then the entire board lifted off the table , and flew towards me . It hit the wall a few inches from my face . The room warmed up again . The presence was gone . For a little while . " I didn 't " I replied . I knew that he didn 't believe me . But he would have to show more senior people . And I knew they couldn 't afford to risk me . I went back to bed . For the first time in weeks , I had no bad dreams . I guess Nigel knew I understood his message . I slept very soundly . Until the next morning . But my guards didn 't really understand . Or they did not want to understand . My handler met me in the interview room the next morning . He looked tired . Besides him sat a man I hadn 't seen before . He wore the cleanest , most expensive suit I had seen during my stay at the states pleasure . The man stood up . He walked out of the room . Measured , and without menace . But he didn 't seem to be a man used to dealing with no . My handler shook his head . He didn 't need to tell me the consequences . All of a sudden , I was put on suicide watch . Woken up every thirty minutes to see if I wasn 't dead yet . The heating in my cell surprisingly broke . I knew I was in their hands totally . But I never realised what it was like to displease them . You see , Nigel might be a ghost , but that doesn 't mean he is stupid . He can see what is happening . He knows they are stopping me doing what he wants . And this gets him angry . They first times he acted , it looked like coincidence . The guards chair would tilt under him , depositing him on the floor . Or cups of coffee were not placed firmly enough on the table . The guards were spooked by me . They knew that I was able to see things they could not . But although the guards face became pale , his hand on the trigger was steady and firm . It was too late . The chair slammed into the guard . He dropped to the floor . Then I saw the guards keys float from his pocket . My cell door was unlocked . I walked over to the guard , stripped his clothes off , and changed into his uniform . I thought I didn 't have much of a choice . If I didn 't do what Nigel wanted he would kill me . Every door I came to slid open without me doing anything . It would have been creepy if I didn 't know what was happening . Soon the alarms started to ring out . People would be grabbing their guns , getting ready to shoot me . I could feel my heart trying to escape from my chest . I soon arrived at fire exit . It opened in front of me . I climbed down some steps . Below me , I could see coppers swarming . I continued to walk down . One of the coppers recognised me . I ran in the opposite direction . He took aim , and I could hear the gun explode behind me . But the bullet didn 't pierce my skin like I expected . Instead , it ended in the ground . I reached a police car , and the engine came on without anyone doing anything . Then I went into a store and bought black trousers and a white shirt . Got changed . And walked out of the shopping centre , expecting to be caught at any time . In my pocket there was five hundred dollars . That was all I had in the world , except for an insane ghost . I decided it was time to go to the library . After chatting to the librarian for a few seconds , she walked me over to a computer which had copies of the local papers for the last twenty years . I typed a search . At first I found nothing , but as I expanded the search back I found him . According to the interview , he was found murdered in his bed . He had been asleep . His wife had been charged and convicted of his murder . But she said she was innocent . Nothing came in response . I knew that would happen . It was too much to hope for . It was getting late at night . The librarian was fussing near me . It was time to go . When you are a fugitive , it isn 't as simple to find a place to stay as booking a room in a hotel . I walked round , looking for an empty house . It took me an hour . Occasionally a police car would go past . It made me nervous . At one time it would have been a posh bungalow . But whoever had owned it had been taken to a care home , and it was covered in weeds and neglect . I walked up to the door , and it swings open . That is one of the advantages of your own private poltergeist . Inside it was a mess . But dry and water proof . There was a wood burning stove in one room . The power was off , and Nigel didn 't turn it on . But the water was only off at the mains . It was easy enough to get it working again . In the morning I would have to start the process of searching for Nigel Slater . I knew roughly where he lived . I fell asleep , and woke up hungry and cramped . Outside , I could hear rustling . I peeked through the window , and could see a man dressed only in black . He looked like he was not very friendly . I ducked down , but he must have seen me . He edged towards the door . It was locked , but he slammed it open . I hid behind the sofa . it didn 't help . He walked towards me . I noticed he had a poker in his hand . There was no way he wouldn 't find me . I stood up . I looked over at him . He had a long scar down his face . it seemed like he was used to trouble . And he was straining to start a fight . I did what he said . He followed me . I thought he might hit me at any second . or recognise me . They must have put my picture out into the news by now . I sighed with relief , but knew that my location might be passed onto the police . I decided it was time to get out of the town . I caught a bus , and tried to hide my face . Since I hadn 't had a bath for a few days it was easier than you might think . People did not want to look me in the eyes . I arrived at Nigel 's house six hours latter . It was a solemn house . A plane front garden laid to grass , brick frontage , and white windows . It didn 't look like anyone had ever cared for it . It looked like it was a place to sleep and not to stay . It took me a few minutes to settle down , and watch the street . There was nothing extraordinary about it . A few people walked past , taking little interest in the stranger . After watching for half an hour , I knew there was little information here for me . Talking round the local shops I found out that Nigel had been a quiet man . Few people knew him , past his saying hello . he didn 't seem to have been involved in anything wrong . or indeed in anything at all . I decided that there could only really have been one source of trouble . He must have found out something at work . Something that made him worth more to someone dead than alive . I got some annual reports from his company and studied them . Amazing what is available on the internet these days . There was little of interest . I applied to work at Nigel 's company as a cleaner . it was a big risk . I supplied false references , and knew they would not check them for months . That 's the thing about cleaners . No one takes any notice . So I got the job , and examined the work place thoroughly . It looked like an office . The computers were always on . Once or twice I looked over the shoulder of someone working but it was all gobbledygook to me . To make it worse , I saw my face on the newspaper when I went for food . Sure , I looked a lot different now . I had grown longer hair , a beard , and was thinner . But it was still me . I grew suspicious of other people . Then came my big break . Several people were working in the office late . I overhead them speaking about a billion dollar deal . The company was getting bought out . I checked the internet , and there was something in the trade section . The routine was the same every day . But one of my colleagues had not turned up to work . So I was asked to clean the main office . I did so . But I did more than that , I broke into the file cabinets , and started reading company secrets . But that didn 't save me for long . The next day I arrived at work a few minutes earlier . Something told me that things were wrong . The security guard on the gate was new . He told me to go out to the bosses office . I walked into a small lab , and looked around . There was a window , and I tried to open it . In the distance I could see five police cars . The window wouldn 't open . There was only one way out . And I knew that by now , there would be police officers between me and the door . I looked round to find a chair . Then used it to break the window . The alarm went , and I slid through the empty hole . But I caught my shoulder on a shard of glass . I was bleeding . The police gave up their pretence . Dozens of sirens started up , heading towards the building . I ran through a green space . I knew that there was only one way out of the compound except the front gate . A hole in the fence I had noticed a few days earlier . But over head their was a helicopter . Although I ran like the wind , it wasn 't enough . I could hear the police men getting closer and closer . I turned around and saw two police officers . They both had guns pointed at me . I raised my hands , and they soon had me on the ground . I arrived at my destination a few hours latter . This time they were taking no chances . I arrived at a super maximum prison . Surrounded by barbed wire , dogs , and armed police officers it was obvious I 'd never get out . The next day the interrogation began . Again and Again . Asking me where I had gone . What I had done . I eventually broke down and told them everything . But that didn 't stop them continuing . Maybe what they were doing was no crime . But it was a form of torture . Eventually , the interrogations stopped . They gave me paper . They wanted to go back to how it used to be . But by that time I had got so angry , even when I did have a dream I kept it to myself . I wasn 't there . So all I can do is repeat the report that was made to me . No guarantee it is what happened . Apparently the director of the FBI had been having an extramarital affair . He was in bed that normal , and engaging in exercise at the same time . This was not expected , but what was even more unexpected was the windows opening wide . And the explosions of a gun . The director of the FBI 's gun . But I do know that it made the national news . The assistant director of the FBI resigned . And , to be frank , most of the people in the FBI did not care much about that . But it was fair warning . He didn 't seem to be exactly happy about what had happened . In fact , he stormed in to the visiting room , and let loose a barrage of swear words . I sat there passively , listening to him . When he calmed down sufficiently , he sat down . " Nigel was right . All he wants is his murderer found . But he isn 't going to stop . Not until that is done . Not even if he has to kill someone else to do it . " " No . I am not . Nigel is a threat to you . If you stand in the way , that is . He is a ghost . What can you do to get rid of him ? " The director of the FBI thought for a few seconds . An hour latter , a priest turned up with bell , book and candle . it didn 't work spectacularly . The power went off , the candle blew out , the bell rang , and the book was thrown across the room . The director gestured to the mirror and two toughs walked in . They carried some rope . They tied me to the chair , and lifted a cosh over their heads . Then all hell broke lose . The cosh swung back by itself . it raised into the air , and came down , laying out one of the thugs . The other caught me a glancing blow , but something unseen lifted him from the floor and threw him against the wall . " You have a choice . Director . Help find Nigel 's killer . Or , I think , Nigel will chase you down and gut you like a fish . " Eventually the Director settled down again . He sat in his chair , silently looking at me . I wasn 't a pretty picture . Thin , and in prison coveralls . I must have looked like a real criminal . They let me go that afternoon . Put me in a suit , and told me I was seconded to the FBI . I was even given my own agent . He was tall , thin , and looked every inch the government man . The agent shook his head . He gave nothing away . That was when I knew he wasn 't sent to help me . Just to keep an eye out on me . Nevertheless , I decided that I could use him . Like he wanted to use me . I looked over to him , and told him to get a warrant . We were going to search Nigel 's company . And read every damn bit of paper they had about Sigma . When we arrived at the door , they had their lawyer sorted out already . Someone must have leaked it . He looked like he had cost a lot of money . " I 'm afraid we have the right not to incriminate ourselves . We are asserting that right . Both as a company , and as individuals . So , no , you can ask any questions but we will not answer them . " I was surprised when I found the clue . It was something no one else would have noticed . A single envelope in the bin . It contained an address . I think Nigel must have been helping me . I was drawn to it . But the thing I noticed was the fact the address had a Sigma stamp . Once we were out of the building , I decided to break away from the FBI agent . I knew some things would work better on my own . it was easier said than done . When I tried to go for a walk that night , he insisted on staying right by me . Getting to the address was difficult . I didn 't have a car , I had to take the bus . Most of the journey there wasn 't even that . And it had began to rain . I must have looked odd , walking around town that late at night , soaked . In fact , I surprised no copper stopped me . " Good enough , " I said . Knowing I was lying as I said it . It wasn 't like it was my strong point . The expression on the coppers face showed he thought not either . He stood there behind me his mouth opened , as I shimmied the lock . it opened . I walked in . This was a mistake , I didn 't notice the small CCTV camera , the camera that was hidden in a plug socket . But it was sending my picture right up to the security office . I worked quickly , going up the stairs to the office . I don 't know what I had expected to see . But what I did see looked just like any other office . Even down to the half drunk cup of coffee . I woke up in the boot of a car . I could feel the engine running , and smell burning petrol . It was pick black . The car started off , bumping along the ground . Hitting me from side to side . My hands were tied behind my back . It was lucky I knew a little magic . I got the knot loose without much effort . Then I grovelled around the car to find something , anything that could help me . There was a wrench , which I picked up . I put the rope around my wrists , hiding the fact I was loose . And put the wrench in my pocket . The boot of the car swung open . One of the security guards lifted me out of the boot . He was covered in muscle . My mouth opened wide . That was the last thing I expected to hear . They marched me along the ground and I saw him for the first time . Nigel . Alive . Then the room went strange . Something turned the lights off , and opened the windows . It even raised a chair off the ground . The security guard looked worried for the first time . " For the last month , I have been searching for the person who killed Nigel Slater . You , sir , are Nigel Slater . But it seems your ghost hasn 't got the information you are alive . " But it didn 't work . By the time that the ambulance arrived , Nigel was in a deep coma . It took only a short time after that until the first homicide detective got there . But the truth is , it was fate . No ones fault . Except the murderer . After all , how can Nigel Slater 's ghost come into my dreams unless he is actually killed ? What happened next surprised me . The cops arrested me . Told me I was being held on suspicion of murder . I told them not to be idiots , but they wrote it in their notebooks and not their minds . By that point the clues would be getting stale , so I drove right to the company . But they wouldn 't let me in . it was a police investigation , they said . No dice . I called the FBI agent and asked him to run the full scan on Slater . By the time he had finished I would know every single family member . And all I had to do was interview them . The only clue left to me was Sigma . The company was closed for a few hours , but the managing director wasn 't . Again the FBI came to my rescue . They had the address , and I wasn 't afraid to use it . We walked up the garden path . It wasn 't the most luxurious house that a managing director had ever lived at . But I knocked on the door anyway . I walked in . Behold , the group was all there . The director of the FBI himself . The attorney general . And a four star general . I could feel the back of my assistant straightening up . The Managing Director pressed a button on the TV . It switched on . Nigel Slater 's office . I saw him pick up his glass . Put the chemicals in it . The MD fast forwarded . Nigel killed himself . " Oil . We got him to produce computer models . All the oil reserves . He was so great . . . well , he could produce a program that told us exactly where oil was , just from satellite images . " Just at that moment a dozen armed guards came into the room . Their guns were pointed right at me . I raised my hands , and was soon plunged into the carpet . They searched me . Didn 't find anything interesting . " Yeah . But I don 't think you did it . I don 't think you were that smart . But I don 't know what this being who calls himself Nigel Slater is , " I didn 't struggle . By now , them putting handcuffs on me was almost routine . I just wish I had been able to continue my life as a charlatan . I didn 't know what to say to that . it was true . it was obvious when you think about it . Nigel had told me he was murdered when he was still alive . but no one ever said the soul was bound to the arrow of time . Within a few minutes we had picked up an escort . From what I could tell , they had closed the road down . Only we were travelling that evening . I gulped . It looked like things were just about to head for the worse . The trip to the Whitehouse was the most fraught I had experienced in my life . The director of the FBI was reading faxes and emails in the car . His face was getting more and more pale . " I guess like the English did in WWII . With disinformation . We need to get an Chinese agent and feed him bad info . And I guess Nigel might be your best hope for that . " I guess the FBI director caught on quickly . Because he could go anywhere , Nigel could listen to the Chinese chatter . He could find Chinese agents . Maybe he didn 't know Chinese , but he knew enough to listen in to the English language conversations . It wasn 't a new concept . The CIA had investigated it in the sixties . But they didn 't have a real life ghost , so their experiments failed . This time we had a real ghost . I asked them to pick out the Ouija board again . The séance room was a sight you had never seen in your life . The president and the director of the FBI holding hands , in a dark room . The president of the united states shook his head . You could tell he couldn 't believe what he was seeing . He got up from his seat , and you could almost hear his bones cracking . Over in the corner of the room I could see a computer with satellite images . I could watch the Chinese fleet mobilising in real time . The number of dots that represented aircraft carriers alone was scary . " It will only be a few days before we have to mobilise our own navy . " The wait was excruciating . But suddenly five hours latter , the board started spelling out a name . The FBI director went to work . Within minutes they had the file out . He didn 't look like what you would expect of a Chinese agent . He had long , blonde hair , was dressed in a respectable suit , and had a respectable job . He worked in the old navy base . His job was to work on the files , reading sensitive military information . Including information about resource allocation . Once they checked his bank account the truth became obvious . The FBI director stood up , and paced down the long thin corridor . Then he arrived back in the meeting room with a young woman . She was dressed in military uniform . He explained the plan . It was simple . The Chinese agent needed to think it had all been a hoax . But for that to work , he would have to eat a pack of lies . I wasn 't there , so I can report only what I have been told . The female agent I had been introduced to worked in the old navy headquarters . She worked in the files there . It is a room full of top secret papers . Room might be the wrong word ; it was the size of an aircraft hanger . She worked there , and had spent months being bored . So naturally , she had struck up a conversation with the handsome blonde military attaché . And , the conversation was reciprocated . The director of the FBI looked at her . She didn 't look like much to put the freedom of the world onto . But she was eager . And after being told what to do , she didn 't complain . She saluted . I stood at the back of the room , watching the Director of the FBI feeling out the officer , and knew I would have to talk to Nigel alone . I didn 't trust her . She looked too good to be true with her starched uniform and willing smile . The new agent went into a staff car , to be driven to the headquarters . She looked very lonely in the back of the car . Meanwhile , we walked to the operations room . There was a banks of monitors the length of the room . We could see satellite images of the build up of the Chinese fleet , as well as real time updates of our spies . I nodded . Then looked back over to the screens . I could see our agent depositing the papers in her draw . She phoned up the Chinese agent , and set up dinner . It looked like a glorious feast . Roast duck , with all the trimmings . The doorbell went . She walked over to it , and opened it . She said something , and the Chinese agent walked into the room . After ten minutes of conversation , she walked away . To go to the toilet . He walked over to the draws , and started rummaging . After a few minutes he found the file our agent had left . He took out the smallest camera you have ever seen , and clicked the image . After that , he put the files away . After he left , the confirmation came thick and fast . The Chinese fleet disbanded . It was amazing to see , but they split up within a matter of hours . Soon the sea around Taiwan was empty except for commercial shipping . I guess that if this had been a story that would be it . I would have been given a party , a celebration , and been allowed to leave . After all , I had saved the day . Well , Nigel did leave . I haven 't heard from him since . After they had finished celebrating , a guard collected me , and drove me in a prison van to here . It is a cold concrete cell . I am allowed a TV , and to write carefully vetted letters . I 'm not sure how I will post this , my story . Maybe I will write it under the postage stamp . I guess for an old crook like me , it is fair . But I wish I had been sent to jail for something I did . And not for some trumped up terrorist charge . Currently we only offer payment for one story selected as the feature story in the monthly pdf magazine only . The successful author will be contacted to organise payment via paypal for a $ 5AUD payment . 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The ship swayed and creaked . He feels every bit of it in his body . Taking no chances the crew , damnedable pirates , have chained him with no give . Legs bound in a kneeling position , arms chained to either wall crucifying him to the ship like a perverse figurehead , he 's been their captive long enough to have forgotten the feel of kindness . It is a small blessing that their fear of him keeps his gag in place at all times . It keeps them from coming anywhere near him . The captain learned a long time ago that he gleans all he needs to live from the moisture in the air , the brine in his eyes . During storms , when he is strongest , the captain posts guards with him . They don 't look at him . A terrible hope fills him today . By the movement of the ship and the crew 's curses , he knows that they 're being pursued by another ship . This ship is a runner , fast . There 'd be little concern of capture if the ship did not gain its quickness from being light , gain its lightness from having little room for armaments or supplies . The pursuers have had them going for a week now and they 'd been out of port for at least a month . He knows from the panic in the crew that the food is all but gone . Soon they 'll be too weak to load what small guns are aboard . He 'd be surprised if they could remember how to sight the cannons it 's been so long since the captain has ordered them used . His hope stems from the pirates ' desperation . If they succumb to practicality then they 'll come for him . With frightened hearts and shaking hands , they 'll undo his chains and he 'll get to spend some time under the sky instead of under foot . So he waits for their desperation to bloom practicality . It does not take long . The first mate comes with three guards and the keys . It is always the first mate that comes to get him . The captain coming himself would make him a person that the captain fears , he wouldn 't last long once that got out among the crew . The first mate is the only one he trusts with the keys to his chains . " The captain wants to see you . " He speaks with a unique accent that comes with the ship 's pidgin of French , Spanish , and Greek . His ears hear the gibberish , but his mind provides him with the meaning . Slowly , they unchain his arms from the ship and secure them behind his back . The guards are afraid to touch him , unsure whether he 'll break or they 'll be infected with something . It strikes him as odd how religious some of these men are . Coming onto the deck , sea spray hits him in the face , covers his bare chest . He instantly feels more alive . He stands taller , muscles flex , the chains bite into his skin . They take him to the captain , standing at the aft of the ship . He stands beside the captain looking out at the wide ocean , the only thing marring their perfect view of the horizon the pursuers . The first mate and guards fold themselves into the three other men standing around them . The captain just stands there for a few minutes , ignoring him . This too is done to show the crew he will do this in his own time , to show that the man he keeps below decks does not frighten him . Around the gag , behind the locked mouth plate , he smiles . Only he and the captain know what he is , and he knows that the captain is frightened of that . " I have use of you . " From under his coat he draws out the key that only he is allowed to keep . He inserts into lock for the face plate . " If you hurt this ship my men will stab you and you will die before you can swim for freedom . Like always , yeah ? " He nods . It 's always the same threat . It vaguely occurs to him that this is only a half life . But then , the spirits would kill for half a life . The plate falls away and he spits the wooden wedge from his mouth . His tongue sticks out , tasting the salt in the air . He flexes his jaw , taking in the blue sky , the white clouds , the gentle waves . He smiles at the captain . Other than the crew 's swords there is very little compelling him . Finally , the captain 's annoyance at the delay shows on his face . He focuses on ship on the horizon . He tries not to think of the men on the ship . He knows he will have to answer for his actions one day , but he 's trying to postpone that day for as long as possible . " I 'm fine . Sorry . " The cabby 's eyes dart from the road to the rearview mirror and back . " I 'm good . I 'm okay . " The cabby 's eyes return to the road and stay there , Lawrence was prepared to keep reassuring him for the rest of the drive as long as he didn 't take his eyes off the road . " That jetlag 's a bitch , isn 't it ? " " Yeah , jetlag . " He doesn 't really feel like talking so he looks out the window . What he sees unsettles him so much that he almost closes his eyes again . Outside the cab desert stretched on for miles . When he 'd met the cabby at the airport he 'd been fine . They 'd been in the middle of a city . He preferred the buildings and people to the endless dry expanse . He tried to think of it as a sea of earth but it just made him queasy . He can 't help it , he closes his eyes . " We 're almost there , " the cabby rouses him . " If I 'd of known I wouldn 't have let you sleep at all . You wouldn 't believe how many people fall asleep in my cab from the airport . " The cabby keeps up a steady stream of chitchat for the next few minutes . Lawrence doesn 't say much , but he 's glad for the distraction . " Here we go , buddy . " He pulls up in front of an independent diner . Lawrence can tell the sign was made with care when it was painted , years in the desert sun has faded it badly . " They got good food here ? " " I don 't know . This is my first time here . " He pays the fare and steps out of the air - conditioned interior . His lips are immediately dry and cracked . The heat cuts him to the core as fast as it dried his lips , the urge to speak rises in him . He needs to escape this heat , he 's drowning in dryness . He rushes inside hoping that they 'll have air - conditioning . No such luck . The interior of the restaurant is as faded as the exterior . He seats himself , impatiently tapping his foot waiting for the waitress . He can hear the sound of the wind . Not the dry , lifeless wind of the desert , but the damp , alive wind of the storm . It 's calling to him , begging him to call out . He licks his lips with a tongue he can barely feel . He can 't help himself , the desert is antithesis for him . Why had he decided to come here ? To satisfy some adolescent curiosity ? He takes one long , shuttering breath . " The special , two of them , just bring me a pitcher of water . " His throat feels so dry . He has to speak now before he loses his chance . " Hmph ! " With blurry vision he watches her flounce back to the kitchen . He grabs the edge of the table to steady himself . He 's clenching his jaw by the time she comes back with a glass for him . He swallows half of it . The cool liquid fills him , calming him . Vision clears , hands stop shaking , the urge lessening . The torrent of wind in his ears shifts to a gentle breeze . How close had he come ? The waitress turns to leave again , he grabs her arm . " Can I get you anything else ? " She says it in such a way that makes Lawrence wonder if it 's actually a question . She tired of him he can tell . She 's too used to bullying the locals . He doesn 't trying to be nice to her , he just takes out a fifty and lays it on the table . " This is your tip if you keep bringing me pitchers of water . " Her eyes gleam slightly as she stares at the bill on the table . Slowly she puts the pitcher on the table . " Thank you . " He drains the rest of his glass and pours another . He finishes this one in three huge gulps . He doesn 't feel as trapped now , his breathing has evened out . He fills the glass a third time , finishing off the pitcher , but only sips this one . A couple minutes pass , the waitress brings his two specials and another pitcher . Lawrence only picks at his food . Between the desert and the age of the equipment in the diner the food is completely dry . Mainly he just cuts up the food and moves it around on his plate . Mainly he watches the people in the restaurant . He immediately discounts his waitress . Seeing her move around the diner , speaking with her , she 's spent most of her life trying to get away from this place . It 's a pity that she 'd never really feel like she belongs anywhere . An old man sits in another booth . He is weathered , his countenance telling the story of a life in the desert . Despite the heat of the day he 's drinking coffee . Lawrence would have considered him a likely candidate if his research didn 't tell him he is looking for someone younger . Besides the old man doesn 't look like he belongs here , only that he 's gotten used to living here . It 's an old style diner setup , so Lawrence can see the cook behind the half wall separating the kitchen from the dining area . Cook would be a wonderful job for who he 's looking for . The heat rising from the stove providing a fix for the cravings while at work . Though nothing compared to the natural heat of the desert it would do while at work . Unfortunately the cook is wearing a sleeveless shirt that 's plastered to his body with sweat . Lawrence 's heart falls . He 's not close enough to the cook to pick up a flow from him , but the fact that he 's sweating tells him all he needs to know . It 's possible his sources were wrong . It 's not easy to track a Bearer . The burden / gift they bear making it too hard to get a fix on them . He 's about to get up , throwing the contents of his glass down his throat , when the kitchen door swings open and a young man steps through . Lawrence puts his cup down and watches him . Something in the way he moves is different . Somehow his movements come off as light , almost bouncy . Even just clearing dishes from tables , his movements are quick , precise . He wears a t - shirt , jeans , and boots , all are cheap , but he still has an air of status . Lawrence notes that he 's not sweating . He looks up , checking for more stray dishes . Lawrence motions him over . " You finished with this , mister ? " Lawrence inhales and catches the scent of aged stone . " Sorry , mister , I 'm just here for the dishes . You 'll want to try Craiper St . around ten tonight . " He grabs a plate , Lawrence grabs his wrist . Sun … Heat … Dry … Sand … Lawrence pulls his hand away , palm red . Perspiration stands out on the young man 's brow now , fear in his eyes . He slides into the booth across from Lawrence . Lawrence pours another glass of water and waits for the boy to say something . " I 'm on break ! " She throws up her hands and goes back into the kitchen . Tito smiles at Lawrence . " Let 's go outside . " Lawrence downs his water and follows him out and around the diner . " I 'm Benjamin Fuller , but everyone calls me , Tito . Now who the hell are you ? " It 's a fair question . If he doesn 't know what he is then he 's probably really freaked out . Lawrence can 't blame him , he 's been there . " Ha , not likely , man . " Tito looks skeptical , very skeptical . There 's at least fifteen years between them . And while Tito isn 't a full blooded Mexican , Lawrence can tell at least one of his parents is , while Lawrence couldn 't be more white without being an albino . It 's hard to believe . " I don 't mean biologically . I mean spiritually . " Tito 's face is instantly serious . " You can feel it , can 't you ? That subtle , tickling at the back of your brain that makes you feel like you know me , even while at your core I unsettle you . " " Yes . " Tito looks so relieved that it breaks Lawrence 's heart . He knows what it 's like to finally have this explained . Lawrence had spent three years in a mental hospital trying to deal by himself . Tito is a strong young man . " Where is there open desert ? " Tito points down an alley . Lawrence starts walking , Tito doesn 't need to be told to follow , he falls into step next to Lawrence careful not to touch him . They come out the other end of the alley seeing open land . For Lawrence it 's as close to nothing as he ever wants to get . Longing fills Tito 's eyes . " I want to share something with you . Watch out there . " Lawrence takes a deep breath and centers himself . The urge to speak has been growing since they stepped out of the diner , the dryness creeping in to all his dark places . Tito 's hands fly up to cover his ears . " Ah ! What the hell ? " FLASH ! BOOM ! The thunder cuts off any further curses . Tito 's gaze is drawn out to the desert , where black storm clouds have formed out of nowhere . The fear is back in his eyes , he retreats till his back hits the wall to the building . " What have you done ? " " I spoke my Word . We 're Word Bearers , Tito . You have your own . Can you feel it ? Deep in core . " Lawrence can see he 's confused . He 's frightened , overwhelmed . FLASHBOOM ! " You can stop this , Tito . Go ahead . Say your Word . I want to hear it . " " I don 't … I 'm not sure . " Confusion and fear war on Tito 's face . Lawrence hopes he won 't run . He didn 't mean to scare the boy . " Of course you 're sure . You 've known it for centuries , you just haven 't spoken it yet . It 's okay . I 'm here with you . " His first step is hesitant , his second is firm , his third is confident . Lawrence realizes he 's holding his breath . Tito looks up at him , he nods . Tito fixes his gaze on the storm . " " There it is . It 's as quiet as Lawrence 's Word is loud , but no less powerful . It 's so beautiful . As Lawrence watches the storm clouds dissipate a tear rolls down his cheek . 2 Dad suffered even from a sight of blood , and he never killed a hen nor slaughtered a pig . But I was aware that once he had donated his blood in the name of my Mum still , because she 'd had a narrow escape on an operating table then . With me a doctor would have my blood tested in a moment : one , two and it 's done . But first they make you ready for rather a time : take a seat , then have a proper finger chosen , though it is always just the one , then they wipe it with spirits until take somewhat sharp like a mini - scalpel . Not everyone can stand the procedure , but I was not against it when a doctor suggested me having my blood tested . She was a likable one , youngish for her age , not married or divorced , probably . And she had no child , I felt it immediately , she had such a look , barren if you want . Possibly for health reasons she could not bear a child or she didn 't find a right man . Or she could have a particular blood group not to have a child with anyone , that 's why she employed at a doctor 's consulting room to make blood tests . And she urged me to have my blood tested . At first I didn 't mind it , the right thing it is , still she didn 't ask my permission . " Just let 's have your blood tested " , she said and left me . She had many things to do I suppose . In doctor 's smocks they walked hither and thither all the time at a clinic there talking over the heads of those waiting , as if one was dead already . And I was still alive and a nurse was preparing to have my blood tested . While she got me ready she was chattering . She said that men were afraid of blood testing nowadays . More and more they refused to do it and ran away sometimes seeing a drop of blood . And one had nothing to fear , there was a couch behind the curtain in a special emergency to lie low , in case one fainted . She pulled the white curtain aside and showed me a couch with dark green leatherette and I shivered all at once : what for they needed my blood ? She suggested me taking off a jacket and rolling up my sleeve , left or right one , I don 't rMy Bio : Mr . Valery Petrovskiy is a journalist and short story writer from Russia . Не is an English Department graduate at Chuvash State University , Cheboksary , graduated in journalism at VKSch Higher School , Moscow and in psychology at Kazan State Technology University . He has been writing prose since 2005 . Some of his writing has been published in The Scrambler , Rusty Typer , BRICKrethoric , NAP Magazine , Literary Burlesque , The Other Room , Curbside Quotidian , DANSE MACABRE , WidowMoon Press , PRIME MINCER , Apocrypha and Abstractions , The Legendary in the USA , and in Australian " Skive " and " Going Down Swinging " magazines . At the moment he is writer - in - residence at Marco Polo Art Mag . It 's dark in here . That 's because I live at the bottom of the jewellery box along with the other outcasts : the tangled necklace with the broken lobster claw and teddy pendant she got for her eleventh birthday , along with the bracelet that 's missing a couple of gem stones . She always says she will have them repaired but never does , preferring to spend the money on more fashionable pieces instead that imitate Asian and Oriental designs . An untrained eye might imagine that they were found by a back - packer on their travels , but they weren 't . They can be bought from any shop on the high - street , and are merely echoes of worlds she 's never seen . Not all of us down here are broken though . I 'm not , and neither is the engagement ring she got from Mark , ( who eventually cheated on her with Shannon from Reception , ) or the belly bar she took out when she put weight on and decided looked too young for her anyway . The ones at the top who get worn more often pity us , ( ' how boring it must be , ' they say to each other in whispers they think we can 't hear , ' being cooped up down there , month in , month out , ' ) but in a way they 're jealous . As I 've said , you could buy them in their hundreds if you wanted to , and they are without sentimental value like the childhood necklace or the belly bar that reminds her of her wild teens and early twenties . They 're easily replaced and she gives them away when they become outdated - or chucks them if even her younger sister and the charity shops say no , thanks . She doesn 't like Mark 's ring or me , so it isn 't often that her fingers dig through the chunky bangles and strings of beads to bring me to the surface . It happens maybe three or four times a year when she has arranged to visit The Matriarch . The ring doesn 't even get a look in . Why Mark wouldn 't let her give it back to him so that he could give it to someone he did love is beyond us ; at least that way it would have been enjoyed . All the same , seeing as I 'm an heirloom and the ring is eighteen carat white goPerhaps you imagine I get bitter when the voices of the favoured ones float above my head , chattering away about their ventures out of the box : days at work , dinners , dates , parties and who was there , who wasn 't there , what she wore … you get the drift . Or worse , maybe you feel sorry for me . I 'd rather you didn 't . Pity the rest but not me . I 'm not so keen on their weight pressing down on me but I don 't mind the dark . In fact I quite like it . It reminds me of home , my real one , from before I met people . As for being bitter , you can rule that out . I 'm a pearl , darling ; it 's not in my nature . You lot have seen me as a symbol of love for thousands of years and I do try to live up to my name by being kind - although I cannot help but wince sometimes at the irony , given that the first person I ever met died . Don 't look at me like that ; it wasn 't my fault . But that 's why she doesn 't like me . All the same , when you 've being kept in a family for over a century you do take an interest in your present owner , even if it 's not reciprocated , so I enjoy listening to the young ones ' gossip . Let them have their fun while they still can . The best they can hope for is a place in a child 's dressing - up box in just a few , short years so they might as well enjoy it . 2 . Memories . I might be old - fashioned and be from a past that she and you would rather forget , but I 'm not like your kind . I will endure and outlive the others , her - even you . And I never forget . My memory doesn 't grow weak with age , it gets stronger . I can still smell what my home was like ; still feel the movements of the person who found me when he panicked and rushed too quickly to the top , and the urgent , grasping hand of the first , but different person to ever touch me , as though I 'd only stopped smelling and feeling them a minute ago . The memories of my owners and the events in their lives play like the films you are so fond of ; the moment when her grandfather proposed to her grandmother , and the christening of her mother , they are a3 . Before she grew up . I suppose you think it strange that her grandmother , ( or The Matriarch as she jokingly calls her , ) skipped a generation and gave me to someone who doesn 't like me , but it never used to be this way . When she was little and used to visit her grandmother she would ask , ( very politely after giving her a peck on the cheek , ) if she could play with her jewellery box . The answer was always yes , and she would very carefully hunt through the diamonds and gold to find me , pin me to her jumper and wear me for the rest of the time she was there . It became something of a ritual , to the point where her grandmother began to pick me out herself and would put me on the coffee table ready for when she arrived . When she was eighteen , The Matriarch had a heart attack , and fearing that she would never leave hospital , insisted on the girl 's mother driving for two hours to get me , so that she could give me to her personally before it was too late . They were very close , and still are in spite of the distance , for she survived against all the odds . Whenever she goes to see her she always comments on how lovely it is , seeing her granddaughter all grown up , wearing her old brooch that 's always been her favourite . And I was for a time . Traditionally I was only worn for a special or significant occasion , but when she was at college I had the strange but enjoyable experience of being put in her pocket and going with her , and if she felt nervous about something her fingers would slide down to stroke me . Normally I hated people manhandling me , but I didn 't mind in her case - it was better than her biting her nails . It was almost as if she thought that having me with her would stop something bad happening - and I have been viewed as ' lucky . ' Stop sniggering , it 's true . In the days of knights and sword - fighting , we would be worn when the rich and noble went into battle because they thought we would protect them from harm , so don 't laugh at her . It felt good , being wanted , and I have to confess I came in danger You don 't like being reminded of your past - those days of glory when Britain ruled half the world . I think that 's why you apologise so much , and give more than you can afford to charities trying to save the poor and starving around the globe . It 's almost as though you 're trying to make up for all the wrongs done before you were born . And I 've tried to avoid talking about it in case you ran away - I get lonely sometimes and it 's nice having someone to talk to . But you can 't run forever , things have to be faced eventually . Some of you may already know and may already be trying to shut out the sound of my words by turning your thoughts to the plans you 've made for the weekend , but there 'll be a lot of you who don 't . There are lots of happy anecdotes from my owners ' lives I could have told you but this is the one you need to hear : My story . We are not like your kind , but there is one thing we have in common : just as you can 't remember coming out of the womb , we don 't know what it was like being a grain of sand or piece of shell squeezing our way inside an oyster and hardening ; all I remember is being . There were no thoughts , for when you live inside a shell there isn 't a great deal to think about - nothing happens . That probably sounds dull to you but there was no sadness , no pain or death . It was peaceful , just being . I didn 't know this at the time but even nothing has to come to an end eventually : the day would always have come when I would be found . It will be hard for you to understand what it was like being taken out of water , hearing sounds , seeing colours and light - all for the first time . On paper it sounds great , this explosion of life , but the reality was frightening - and even fear was something I had never heard of or felt before . Maybe that 's why your newborns usually cry when they come out , because they 're scared and want to go back . I 'm trying to think of ways to describe how it was to you , and the only way I can think of is for you to imagine an ancient Egyptian being placed in the middle of a supermarket . That might give you a better idea , but even that doesn 't come close . I 've learnt a lot since then - ( I 've had to , I didn 't have any other choice - ) but there 's one thing I 've never been able to get my head around , and that is time . Your lives are ruled by clocks and diaries telling you when deadlines or birthdays are due , but when you have so much time whole years , even decades can pass you by . Forgive me then , if I am a little hazy on dates . What I can tell you is that I was brought to the surface in the late 1800s , which makes me special . There aren 't many of us that come from nature now . Most are made by man in bulk on farms . Things changed . You suddenly became concerned about human life and diving equipment got better . Both meant that the world 's poor no were no longer forced to hold their breaths for comments » I knew that someone important was going to walk into my life at 12 : 15 , just after I normally drink tea and prepare for an slow day working on the horoscope . Now , maybe you might not believe me . After all , I am a professional charlatan . But I knew something was up , because for the last two weeks every prediction I have made actually worked out . It started when I saw Mrs Henderson . She was a fat woman , an unpleasant woman , a great client . Like most people who wanted a reading , she didn 't want the truth . And normally I didn 't give it to her . I pulled out the equipment . It was a plain set . It looked like bone china , but was made in china for a very low price . Mrs Henderson looked impressed anyway . She had a lot of money , and not a lot of sense . Anyway , I started reading the information contained in the tea leafs . And then the world went blank . When I returned to the world , Mrs Henderson was gone . I walked out of the shop I had rented , and another of the shopkeepers came up to me . He was normally an quiet , amicable chap . This time he looked like he wanted to throttle me . " She came out of here . Howling and crying , like you 'd tried to kill her . " he put his face up to mine , " You ever do it again and I 'll . . " " I don 't know what you 're talking about , " and I backed away from him . He stalked off . I walked back to my shop , ready to wait for my next appointment . Mrs Abbot didn 't come . She left a nervous message on my answer phone . At the time I didn 't realise why . Because I had no other clients for the day , I went home . My mouth opened wide . It was such a shock , it seemed like I 'd just been told I was about to die . And then . Then I was in my bed , looking at the ceiling . The police officers had gone . But it felt more real than a dream . It must have been a dream . Yeah , that was what it was , I convinced myself . Although I should have known better . In Ireland you can make a full time living as a psychic . less so in England . The English wouldn 't even pay you if you could predict the lottery . So I also work as a pitchman . Which , if you think about it , is just another way to make a dishonest buck . I walked to the nearest boot sale , and set up . It isn 't too crowded in the morning . And everyone is busy . So I crawl in through the hedge . They don 't know that I 'm there against the rules . I set up . My table is old fashioned . A suitcase with legs you fold out . Like the true pitchmen of the 50 's . My pitch is the worm . They wiggle around my hand , like they are alive . The fools in the crowd gave me money . That is what they are for . She had the longest blondest hair this side of fairyland , and her smile lights up the room like a flashlight . And I knew I am meant to talk to her . Just now . She walked off . I had the sense she is in trouble . She was poorer than she used to be , her clothes were expensive , but last years fashion . I had a feeling I will meet her again . When I got there , there was Mrs Henderson and her husband . Their eyes were red . They had been crying . I couldn 't understand what they were there for . I managed to get them to leave . At first I thought that the gossip would help me . But the truth is , no one wants to go to a psychic that tells them the truth . Life is hard enough . You go to a psychic to hear lies . I made some money as a pitchman , so it didn 't affect me too much . But I kept on having bad dreams . I kept on seeing people I knew in them . Not just that , I saw how they died . Their pain . And I started to write down what I saw . In a book by my bedside cabinet . The extra time I had meant I was drinking more too . It was like I 'd been cursed . But the worst was the Christians . They decided that these dreams were inspired by Satan . They set up the picket line in front of my office . I started to think I should simply leave . On Wednesday , the cleaner came in . She was a nosy parker . And no mistake . Her husband had died a few years back , and she was interested in everything . While it 's not the way she put it , she was very interested in the diary . All the details of the different murders and deaths I 'd seen . All the factual details that no one else other than the murderer could know . She took it to the police , and they read it , and they got their warrant . I arrived back at the normal time , and nothing was different . The book was there . I didn 't notice the surveillance cameras . Not at all . They broke in that night . It wasn 't a dream . And I looked up to them bleary eyed , a gun pointing in my face , and swore . They dragged me towards the back of the car , and I noticed someone had decided to give the press warning . So it was very public . Once in , they took me right there . And kitted me out in fetching jail clothing , since I was still in pyjamas . This was the first time I was in jail , and I can tell you it is not as bad as some people say . There is an odd vinegar smell , hiding other bodily fluids . And it is never quiet . There is always shouting going on , and doors slammed . But it was no worse than some hotels I 've been in while performing . I looked across at my lawyer . Short , thin , balding and bored . The police officer had my diary in front of him . He picked it up . " In it , you 've got the details of dozens of murders . Information the police hasn 't released to the public . Information . . . dare I say it , in some cases that the police didn 't even know themselves . " And that was it . That was the full content of the interview . I was hustled off into the cell , and ended up waiting for days . In telephone conversations with friends , I knew the police were digging up my life . I was given a notebook , and a pen , and I continued to write down my dreams . I thought I might as well . The police would search my cell every now and again , and confiscate them . They even moved me to solitary . Made sure no one could be feeding me this information . Or , presumably , that I wasn 't ordering the killings . But the dreams continued . They were getting worse and worse . Every morning I woke up feeling like I had not slept . I guess at least things looked up , because they took me from prison . They drove me along country lanes , towards a building . I can 't tell you precisely where it was . It just looked like an old school to be honest . You 'd never have guessed it was an intelligence headquarters . They bundled me out into an empty building . You 've heard of the secret prisons . Well , they are true . They dressed me up in a uniform , tagged my ankle , and locked me in a cage . The only thing they gave me was some paper and a pen to write down my dreams . Sometimes people came to research me . They put me in scanners , and gave me all kinds of medical tests . The results were unsurprising . I was just a normal , healthy individual . And that was how it seemed I was destined to live for the rest of my life . Until I started to hear the voices . They were low . Just like someone was talking in the next room . Distant . And I couldn 't make them out . That night I was tossing and turning , and I heard someone shout out my name . I woke up . No one was there . Then I tried to get asleep again , and managed it . But the voice was insistent . Nothing answered me . The guards walked past my cell . But with the dreams and the voices , I was getting no sleep . It started to affect me so badly I would not even eat food . Within a few days I was exhausted . Mentally and physically drained . And I guess that is what the creatures wanted . Because soon they broke through . It 's hard to tell you how it felt . But if you have ever had a moment of shock , when you suddenly feel like you aren 't there , you 'll know . He said his name . And then the voice faded away . But I knew I had to do precisely what he told me . I 'd go mad otherwise . Maybe I was already mad . The opportunity came sooner than I expected . My handlers were getting anxious . I was producing less predictions than normal , and the federal conviction rate was plummeting through the floor . The handlers looked like model citizens . Dark suits , a man and a woman dressed formally , like they were lawyers . They flashed their badge to me . I don 't know why , the fact I was in a prison gave them away . The police officer fell back . You could see him working it through in his mind . Despite the success of my predictions , he settled on the conclusion I was mad . After all , psychic phenomena were impossible . He 'd read that once . I shook my head . But that night , I was thinking about it , and decided that I had to ask . Had to have a conversation , if only for my sanity . When the voices started up , I leaned forward in my bed . I asked the question again . But he would say nothing of use to me . he would only repeatedly ask me to find his killers . Not very useful . Eventually , I managed to coax his name from him . Nigel . Not a very good name for a joke . That was the strange thing . No murder victims of that name came up . Not any time soon . But a week later , a Nigel disappeared . And I realised the truth . I looked through the court reports . He had been killed by stabbing . They wouldn 't let me out of the jail . So all I could do was read the files they brought on him . And I got the feeling that many of the details had been redacted . it was like looking for a haystack in an elephant : messy and not very satisfactory . There were only two people I decided who could have done it . They both had a great deal to gain . At the end of the day , though , there is a limit to what you can do from inside a jail cell . The guards looked sceptically at me when I asked for it . But I was responsible for half the murder arrests in the district for the last six months . So they eventually gave me what I wanted . Especially when I refused to furnish them with any more information . I don 't know if you have ever been to a proper séance . Well , to be honest , most of the time the knocks are from the medium . But this time it was different . Within moments of the séance starting , I was aware that the room was colder . Then the entire board lifted off the table , and flew towards me . It hit the wall a few inches from my face . The room warmed up again . The presence was gone . For a little while . " I didn 't " I replied . I knew that he didn 't believe me . But he would have to show more senior people . And I knew they couldn 't afford to risk me . I went back to bed . For the first time in weeks , I had no bad dreams . I guess Nigel knew I understood his message . I slept very soundly . Until the next morning . But my guards didn 't really understand . Or they did not want to understand . My handler met me in the interview room the next morning . He looked tired . Besides him sat a man I hadn 't seen before . He wore the cleanest , most expensive suit I had seen during my stay at the states pleasure . The man stood up . He walked out of the room . Measured , and without menace . But he didn 't seem to be a man used to dealing with no . My handler shook his head . He didn 't need to tell me the consequences . All of a sudden , I was put on suicide watch . Woken up every thirty minutes to see if I wasn 't dead yet . The heating in my cell surprisingly broke . I knew I was in their hands totally . But I never realised what it was like to displease them . You see , Nigel might be a ghost , but that doesn 't mean he is stupid . He can see what is happening . He knows they are stopping me doing what he wants . And this gets him angry . They first times he acted , it looked like coincidence . The guards chair would tilt under him , depositing him on the floor . Or cups of coffee were not placed firmly enough on the table . The guards were spooked by me . They knew that I was able to see things they could not . But although the guards face became pale , his hand on the trigger was steady and firm . It was too late . The chair slammed into the guard . He dropped to the floor . Then I saw the guards keys float from his pocket . My cell door was unlocked . I walked over to the guard , stripped his clothes off , and changed into his uniform . I thought I didn 't have much of a choice . If I didn 't do what Nigel wanted he would kill me . Every door I came to slid open without me doing anything . It would have been creepy if I didn 't know what was happening . Soon the alarms started to ring out . People would be grabbing their guns , getting ready to shoot me . I could feel my heart trying to escape from my chest . I soon arrived at fire exit . It opened in front of me . I climbed down some steps . Below me , I could see coppers swarming . I continued to walk down . One of the coppers recognised me . I ran in the opposite direction . He took aim , and I could hear the gun explode behind me . But the bullet didn 't pierce my skin like I expected . Instead , it ended in the ground . I reached a police car , and the engine came on without anyone doing anything . Then I went into a store and bought black trousers and a white shirt . Got changed . And walked out of the shopping centre , expecting to be caught at any time . In my pocket there was five hundred dollars . That was all I had in the world , except for an insane ghost . I decided it was time to go to the library . After chatting to the librarian for a few seconds , she walked me over to a computer which had copies of the local papers for the last twenty years . I typed a search . At first I found nothing , but as I expanded the search back I found him . According to the interview , he was found murdered in his bed . He had been asleep . His wife had been charged and convicted of his murder . But she said she was innocent . Nothing came in response . I knew that would happen . It was too much to hope for . It was getting late at night . The librarian was fussing near me . It was time to go . When you are a fugitive , it isn 't as simple to find a place to stay as booking a room in a hotel . I walked round , looking for an empty house . It took me an hour . Occasionally a police car would go past . It made me nervous . At one time it would have been a posh bungalow . But whoever had owned it had been taken to a care home , and it was covered in weeds and neglect . I walked up to the door , and it swings open . That is one of the advantages of your own private poltergeist . Inside it was a mess . But dry and water proof . There was a wood burning stove in one room . The power was off , and Nigel didn 't turn it on . But the water was only off at the mains . It was easy enough to get it working again . In the morning I would have to start the process of searching for Nigel Slater . I knew roughly where he lived . I fell asleep , and woke up hungry and cramped . Outside , I could hear rustling . I peeked through the window , and could see a man dressed only in black . He looked like he was not very friendly . I ducked down , but he must have seen me . He edged towards the door . It was locked , but he slammed it open . I hid behind the sofa . it didn 't help . He walked towards me . I noticed he had a poker in his hand . There was no way he wouldn 't find me . I stood up . I looked over at him . He had a long scar down his face . it seemed like he was used to trouble . And he was straining to start a fight . I did what he said . He followed me . I thought he might hit me at any second . or recognise me . They must have put my picture out into the news by now . I sighed with relief , but knew that my location might be passed onto the police . I decided it was time to get out of the town . I caught a bus , and tried to hide my face . Since I hadn 't had a bath for a few days it was easier than you might think . People did not want to look me in the eyes . I arrived at Nigel 's house six hours latter . It was a solemn house . A plane front garden laid to grass , brick frontage , and white windows . It didn 't look like anyone had ever cared for it . It looked like it was a place to sleep and not to stay . It took me a few minutes to settle down , and watch the street . There was nothing extraordinary about it . A few people walked past , taking little interest in the stranger . After watching for half an hour , I knew there was little information here for me . Talking round the local shops I found out that Nigel had been a quiet man . Few people knew him , past his saying hello . he didn 't seem to have been involved in anything wrong . or indeed in anything at all . I decided that there could only really have been one source of trouble . He must have found out something at work . Something that made him worth more to someone dead than alive . I got some annual reports from his company and studied them . Amazing what is available on the internet these days . There was little of interest . I applied to work at Nigel 's company as a cleaner . it was a big risk . I supplied false references , and knew they would not check them for months . That 's the thing about cleaners . No one takes any notice . So I got the job , and examined the work place thoroughly . It looked like an office . The computers were always on . Once or twice I looked over the shoulder of someone working but it was all gobbledygook to me . To make it worse , I saw my face on the newspaper when I went for food . Sure , I looked a lot different now . I had grown longer hair , a beard , and was thinner . But it was still me . I grew suspicious of other people . Then came my big break . Several people were working in the office late . I overhead them speaking about a billion dollar deal . The company was getting bought out . I checked the internet , and there was something in the trade section . The routine was the same every day . But one of my colleagues had not turned up to work . So I was asked to clean the main office . I did so . But I did more than that , I broke into the file cabinets , and started reading company secrets . But that didn 't save me for long . The next day I arrived at work a few minutes earlier . Something told me that things were wrong . The security guard on the gate was new . He told me to go out to the bosses office . I walked into a small lab , and looked around . There was a window , and I tried to open it . In the distance I could see five police cars . The window wouldn 't open . There was only one way out . And I knew that by now , there would be police officers between me and the door . I looked round to find a chair . Then used it to break the window . The alarm went , and I slid through the empty hole . But I caught my shoulder on a shard of glass . I was bleeding . The police gave up their pretence . Dozens of sirens started up , heading towards the building . I ran through a green space . I knew that there was only one way out of the compound except the front gate . A hole in the fence I had noticed a few days earlier . But over head their was a helicopter . Although I ran like the wind , it wasn 't enough . I could hear the police men getting closer and closer . I turned around and saw two police officers . They both had guns pointed at me . I raised my hands , and they soon had me on the ground . I arrived at my destination a few hours latter . This time they were taking no chances . I arrived at a super maximum prison . Surrounded by barbed wire , dogs , and armed police officers it was obvious I 'd never get out . The next day the interrogation began . Again and Again . Asking me where I had gone . What I had done . I eventually broke down and told them everything . But that didn 't stop them continuing . Maybe what they were doing was no crime . But it was a form of torture . Eventually , the interrogations stopped . They gave me paper . They wanted to go back to how it used to be . But by that time I had got so angry , even when I did have a dream I kept it to myself . I wasn 't there . So all I can do is repeat the report that was made to me . No guarantee it is what happened . Apparently the director of the FBI had been having an extramarital affair . He was in bed that normal , and engaging in exercise at the same time . This was not expected , but what was even more unexpected was the windows opening wide . And the explosions of a gun . The director of the FBI 's gun . But I do know that it made the national news . The assistant director of the FBI resigned . And , to be frank , most of the people in the FBI did not care much about that . But it was fair warning . He didn 't seem to be exactly happy about what had happened . In fact , he stormed in to the visiting room , and let loose a barrage of swear words . I sat there passively , listening to him . When he calmed down sufficiently , he sat down . " Nigel was right . All he wants is his murderer found . But he isn 't going to stop . Not until that is done . Not even if he has to kill someone else to do it . " " No . I am not . Nigel is a threat to you . If you stand in the way , that is . He is a ghost . What can you do to get rid of him ? " The director of the FBI thought for a few seconds . An hour latter , a priest turned up with bell , book and candle . it didn 't work spectacularly . The power went off , the candle blew out , the bell rang , and the book was thrown across the room . The director gestured to the mirror and two toughs walked in . They carried some rope . They tied me to the chair , and lifted a cosh over their heads . Then all hell broke lose . The cosh swung back by itself . it raised into the air , and came down , laying out one of the thugs . The other caught me a glancing blow , but something unseen lifted him from the floor and threw him against the wall . " You have a choice . Director . Help find Nigel 's killer . Or , I think , Nigel will chase you down and gut you like a fish . " Eventually the Director settled down again . He sat in his chair , silently looking at me . I wasn 't a pretty picture . Thin , and in prison coveralls . I must have looked like a real criminal . They let me go that afternoon . Put me in a suit , and told me I was seconded to the FBI . I was even given my own agent . He was tall , thin , and looked every inch the government man . The agent shook his head . He gave nothing away . That was when I knew he wasn 't sent to help me . Just to keep an eye out on me . Nevertheless , I decided that I could use him . Like he wanted to use me . I looked over to him , and told him to get a warrant . We were going to search Nigel 's company . And read every damn bit of paper they had about Sigma . When we arrived at the door , they had their lawyer sorted out already . Someone must have leaked it . He looked like he had cost a lot of money . " I 'm afraid we have the right not to incriminate ourselves . We are asserting that right . Both as a company , and as individuals . So , no , you can ask any questions but we will not answer them . " I was surprised when I found the clue . It was something no one else would have noticed . A single envelope in the bin . It contained an address . I think Nigel must have been helping me . I was drawn to it . But the thing I noticed was the fact the address had a Sigma stamp . Once we were out of the building , I decided to break away from the FBI agent . I knew some things would work better on my own . it was easier said than done . When I tried to go for a walk that night , he insisted on staying right by me . Getting to the address was difficult . I didn 't have a car , I had to take the bus . Most of the journey there wasn 't even that . And it had began to rain . I must have looked odd , walking around town that late at night , soaked . In fact , I surprised no copper stopped me . " Good enough , " I said . Knowing I was lying as I said it . It wasn 't like it was my strong point . The expression on the coppers face showed he thought not either . He stood there behind me his mouth opened , as I shimmied the lock . it opened . I walked in . This was a mistake , I didn 't notice the small CCTV camera , the camera that was hidden in a plug socket . But it was sending my picture right up to the security office . I worked quickly , going up the stairs to the office . I don 't know what I had expected to see . But what I did see looked just like any other office . Even down to the half drunk cup of coffee . I woke up in the boot of a car . I could feel the engine running , and smell burning petrol . It was pick black . The car started off , bumping along the ground . Hitting me from side to side . My hands were tied behind my back . It was lucky I knew a little magic . I got the knot loose without much effort . Then I grovelled around the car to find something , anything that could help me . There was a wrench , which I picked up . I put the rope around my wrists , hiding the fact I was loose . And put the wrench in my pocket . The boot of the car swung open . One of the security guards lifted me out of the boot . He was covered in muscle . My mouth opened wide . That was the last thing I expected to hear . They marched me along the ground and I saw him for the first time . Nigel . Alive . Then the room went strange . Something turned the lights off , and opened the windows . It even raised a chair off the ground . The security guard looked worried for the first time . " For the last month , I have been searching for the person who killed Nigel Slater . You , sir , are Nigel Slater . But it seems your ghost hasn 't got the information you are alive . " But it didn 't work . By the time that the ambulance arrived , Nigel was in a deep coma . It took only a short time after that until the first homicide detective got there . But the truth is , it was fate . No ones fault . Except the murderer . After all , how can Nigel Slater 's ghost come into my dreams unless he is actually killed ? What happened next surprised me . The cops arrested me . Told me I was being held on suspicion of murder . I told them not to be idiots , but they wrote it in their notebooks and not their minds . By that point the clues would be getting stale , so I drove right to the company . But they wouldn 't let me in . it was a police investigation , they said . No dice . I called the FBI agent and asked him to run the full scan on Slater . By the time he had finished I would know every single family member . And all I had to do was interview them . The only clue left to me was Sigma . The company was closed for a few hours , but the managing director wasn 't . Again the FBI came to my rescue . They had the address , and I wasn 't afraid to use it . We walked up the garden path . It wasn 't the most luxurious house that a managing director had ever lived at . But I knocked on the door anyway . I walked in . Behold , the group was all there . The director of the FBI himself . The attorney general . And a four star general . I could feel the back of my assistant straightening up . The Managing Director pressed a button on the TV . It switched on . Nigel Slater 's office . I saw him pick up his glass . Put the chemicals in it . The MD fast forwarded . Nigel killed himself . " Oil . We got him to produce computer models . All the oil reserves . He was so great . . . well , he could produce a program that told us exactly where oil was , just from satellite images . " Just at that moment a dozen armed guards came into the room . Their guns were pointed right at me . I raised my hands , and was soon plunged into the carpet . They searched me . Didn 't find anything interesting . " Yeah . But I don 't think you did it . I don 't think you were that smart . But I don 't know what this being who calls himself Nigel Slater is , " I didn 't struggle . By now , them putting handcuffs on me was almost routine . I just wish I had been able to continue my life as a charlatan . I didn 't know what to say to that . it was true . it was obvious when you think about it . Nigel had told me he was murdered when he was still alive . but no one ever said the soul was bound to the arrow of time . Within a few minutes we had picked up an escort . From what I could tell , they had closed the road down . Only we were travelling that evening . I gulped . It looked like things were just about to head for the worse . The trip to the Whitehouse was the most fraught I had experienced in my life . The director of the FBI was reading faxes and emails in the car . His face was getting more and more pale . " I guess like the English did in WWII . With disinformation . We need to get an Chinese agent and feed him bad info . And I guess Nigel might be your best hope for that . " I guess the FBI director caught on quickly . Because he could go anywhere , Nigel could listen to the Chinese chatter . He could find Chinese agents . Maybe he didn 't know Chinese , but he knew enough to listen in to the English language conversations . It wasn 't a new concept . The CIA had investigated it in the sixties . But they didn 't have a real life ghost , so their experiments failed . This time we had a real ghost . I asked them to pick out the Ouija board again . The séance room was a sight you had never seen in your life . The president and the director of the FBI holding hands , in a dark room . The president of the united states shook his head . You could tell he couldn 't believe what he was seeing . He got up from his seat , and you could almost hear his bones cracking . Over in the corner of the room I could see a computer with satellite images . I could watch the Chinese fleet mobilising in real time . The number of dots that represented aircraft carriers alone was scary . " It will only be a few days before we have to mobilise our own navy . " The wait was excruciating . But suddenly five hours latter , the board started spelling out a name . The FBI director went to work . Within minutes they had the file out . He didn 't look like what you would expect of a Chinese agent . He had long , blonde hair , was dressed in a respectable suit , and had a respectable job . He worked in the old navy base . His job was to work on the files , reading sensitive military information . Including information about resource allocation . Once they checked his bank account the truth became obvious . The FBI director stood up , and paced down the long thin corridor . Then he arrived back in the meeting room with a young woman . She was dressed in military uniform . He explained the plan . It was simple . The Chinese agent needed to think it had all been a hoax . But for that to work , he would have to eat a pack of lies . I wasn 't there , so I can report only what I have been told . The female agent I had been introduced to worked in the old navy headquarters . She worked in the files there . It is a room full of top secret papers . Room might be the wrong word ; it was the size of an aircraft hanger . She worked there , and had spent months being bored . So naturally , she had struck up a conversation with the handsome blonde military attaché . And , the conversation was reciprocated . The director of the FBI looked at her . She didn 't look like much to put the freedom of the world onto . But she was eager . And after being told what to do , she didn 't complain . She saluted . I stood at the back of the room , watching the Director of the FBI feeling out the officer , and knew I would have to talk to Nigel alone . I didn 't trust her . She looked too good to be true with her starched uniform and willing smile . The new agent went into a staff car , to be driven to the headquarters . She looked very lonely in the back of the car . Meanwhile , we walked to the operations room . There was a banks of monitors the length of the room . We could see satellite images of the build up of the Chinese fleet , as well as real time updates of our spies . I nodded . Then looked back over to the screens . I could see our agent depositing the papers in her draw . She phoned up the Chinese agent , and set up dinner . It looked like a glorious feast . Roast duck , with all the trimmings . The doorbell went . She walked over to it , and opened it . She said something , and the Chinese agent walked into the room . After ten minutes of conversation , she walked away . To go to the toilet . He walked over to the draws , and started rummaging . After a few minutes he found the file our agent had left . He took out the smallest camera you have ever seen , and clicked the image . After that , he put the files away . After he left , the confirmation came thick and fast . The Chinese fleet disbanded . It was amazing to see , but they split up within a matter of hours . Soon the sea around Taiwan was empty except for commercial shipping . I guess that if this had been a story that would be it . I would have been given a party , a celebration , and been allowed to leave . After all , I had saved the day . Well , Nigel did leave . I haven 't heard from him since . After they had finished celebrating , a guard collected me , and drove me in a prison van to here . It is a cold concrete cell . I am allowed a TV , and to write carefully vetted letters . I 'm not sure how I will post this , my story . Maybe I will write it under the postage stamp . I guess for an old crook like me , it is fair . But I wish I had been sent to jail for something I did . And not for some trumped up terrorist charge . Currently we only offer payment for one story selected as the feature story in the monthly pdf magazine only . The successful author will be contacted to organise payment via paypal for a $ 5AUD payment . 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The ship swayed and creaked . He feels every bit of it in his body . Taking no chances the crew , damnedable pirates , have chained him with no give . Legs bound in a kneeling position , arms chained to either wall crucifying him to the ship like a perverse figurehead , he 's been their captive long enough to have forgotten the feel of kindness . It is a small blessing that their fear of him keeps his gag in place at all times . It keeps them from coming anywhere near him . The captain learned a long time ago that he gleans all he needs to live from the moisture in the air , the brine in his eyes . During storms , when he is strongest , the captain posts guards with him . They don 't look at him . A terrible hope fills him today . By the movement of the ship and the crew 's curses , he knows that they 're being pursued by another ship . This ship is a runner , fast . There 'd be little concern of capture if the ship did not gain its quickness from being light , gain its lightness from having little room for armaments or supplies . The pursuers have had them going for a week now and they 'd been out of port for at least a month . He knows from the panic in the crew that the food is all but gone . Soon they 'll be too weak to load what small guns are aboard . He 'd be surprised if they could remember how to sight the cannons it 's been so long since the captain has ordered them used . His hope stems from the pirates ' desperation . If they succumb to practicality then they 'll come for him . With frightened hearts and shaking hands , they 'll undo his chains and he 'll get to spend some time under the sky instead of under foot . So he waits for their desperation to bloom practicality . It does not take long . The first mate comes with three guards and the keys . It is always the first mate that comes to get him . The captain coming himself would make him a person that the captain fears , he wouldn 't last long once that got out among the crew . The first mate is the only one he trusts with the keys to his chains . " The captain wants to see you . " He speaks with a unique accent that comes with the ship 's pidgin of French , Spanish , and Greek . His ears hear the gibberish , but his mind provides him with the meaning . Slowly , they unchain his arms from the ship and secure them behind his back . The guards are afraid to touch him , unsure whether he 'll break or they 'll be infected with something . It strikes him as odd how religious some of these men are . Coming onto the deck , sea spray hits him in the face , covers his bare chest . He instantly feels more alive . He stands taller , muscles flex , the chains bite into his skin . They take him to the captain , standing at the aft of the ship . He stands beside the captain looking out at the wide ocean , the only thing marring their perfect view of the horizon the pursuers . The first mate and guards fold themselves into the three other men standing around them . The captain just stands there for a few minutes , ignoring him . This too is done to show the crew he will do this in his own time , to show that the man he keeps below decks does not frighten him . Around the gag , behind the locked mouth plate , he smiles . Only he and the captain know what he is , and he knows that the captain is frightened of that . " I have use of you . " From under his coat he draws out the key that only he is allowed to keep . He inserts into lock for the face plate . " If you hurt this ship my men will stab you and you will die before you can swim for freedom . Like always , yeah ? " He nods . It 's always the same threat . It vaguely occurs to him that this is only a half life . But then , the spirits would kill for half a life . The plate falls away and he spits the wooden wedge from his mouth . His tongue sticks out , tasting the salt in the air . He flexes his jaw , taking in the blue sky , the white clouds , the gentle waves . He smiles at the captain . Other than the crew 's swords there is very little compelling him . Finally , the captain 's annoyance at the delay shows on his face . He focuses on ship on the horizon . He tries not to think of the men on the ship . He knows he will have to answer for his actions one day , but he 's trying to postpone that day for as long as possible . " I 'm fine . Sorry . " The cabby 's eyes dart from the road to the rearview mirror and back . " I 'm good . I 'm okay . " The cabby 's eyes return to the road and stay there , Lawrence was prepared to keep reassuring him for the rest of the drive as long as he didn 't take his eyes off the road . " That jetlag 's a bitch , isn 't it ? " " Yeah , jetlag . " He doesn 't really feel like talking so he looks out the window . What he sees unsettles him so much that he almost closes his eyes again . Outside the cab desert stretched on for miles . When he 'd met the cabby at the airport he 'd been fine . They 'd been in the middle of a city . He preferred the buildings and people to the endless dry expanse . He tried to think of it as a sea of earth but it just made him queasy . He can 't help it , he closes his eyes . " We 're almost there , " the cabby rouses him . " If I 'd of known I wouldn 't have let you sleep at all . You wouldn 't believe how many people fall asleep in my cab from the airport . " The cabby keeps up a steady stream of chitchat for the next few minutes . Lawrence doesn 't say much , but he 's glad for the distraction . " Here we go , buddy . " He pulls up in front of an independent diner . Lawrence can tell the sign was made with care when it was painted , years in the desert sun has faded it badly . " They got good food here ? " " I don 't know . This is my first time here . " He pays the fare and steps out of the air - conditioned interior . His lips are immediately dry and cracked . The heat cuts him to the core as fast as it dried his lips , the urge to speak rises in him . He needs to escape this heat , he 's drowning in dryness . He rushes inside hoping that they 'll have air - conditioning . No such luck . The interior of the restaurant is as faded as the exterior . He seats himself , impatiently tapping his foot waiting for the waitress . He can hear the sound of the wind . Not the dry , lifeless wind of the desert , but the damp , alive wind of the storm . It 's calling to him , begging him to call out . He licks his lips with a tongue he can barely feel . He can 't help himself , the desert is antithesis for him . Why had he decided to come here ? To satisfy some adolescent curiosity ? He takes one long , shuttering breath . " The special , two of them , just bring me a pitcher of water . " His throat feels so dry . He has to speak now before he loses his chance . " Hmph ! " With blurry vision he watches her flounce back to the kitchen . He grabs the edge of the table to steady himself . He 's clenching his jaw by the time she comes back with a glass for him . He swallows half of it . The cool liquid fills him , calming him . Vision clears , hands stop shaking , the urge lessening . The torrent of wind in his ears shifts to a gentle breeze . How close had he come ? The waitress turns to leave again , he grabs her arm . " Can I get you anything else ? " She says it in such a way that makes Lawrence wonder if it 's actually a question . She tired of him he can tell . She 's too used to bullying the locals . He doesn 't trying to be nice to her , he just takes out a fifty and lays it on the table . " This is your tip if you keep bringing me pitchers of water . " Her eyes gleam slightly as she stares at the bill on the table . Slowly she puts the pitcher on the table . " Thank you . " He drains the rest of his glass and pours another . He finishes this one in three huge gulps . He doesn 't feel as trapped now , his breathing has evened out . He fills the glass a third time , finishing off the pitcher , but only sips this one . A couple minutes pass , the waitress brings his two specials and another pitcher . Lawrence only picks at his food . Between the desert and the age of the equipment in the diner the food is completely dry . Mainly he just cuts up the food and moves it around on his plate . Mainly he watches the people in the restaurant . He immediately discounts his waitress . Seeing her move around the diner , speaking with her , she 's spent most of her life trying to get away from this place . It 's a pity that she 'd never really feel like she belongs anywhere . An old man sits in another booth . He is weathered , his countenance telling the story of a life in the desert . Despite the heat of the day he 's drinking coffee . Lawrence would have considered him a likely candidate if his research didn 't tell him he is looking for someone younger . Besides the old man doesn 't look like he belongs here , only that he 's gotten used to living here . It 's an old style diner setup , so Lawrence can see the cook behind the half wall separating the kitchen from the dining area . Cook would be a wonderful job for who he 's looking for . The heat rising from the stove providing a fix for the cravings while at work . Though nothing compared to the natural heat of the desert it would do while at work . Unfortunately the cook is wearing a sleeveless shirt that 's plastered to his body with sweat . Lawrence 's heart falls . He 's not close enough to the cook to pick up a flow from him , but the fact that he 's sweating tells him all he needs to know . It 's possible his sources were wrong . It 's not easy to track a Bearer . The burden / gift they bear making it too hard to get a fix on them . He 's about to get up , throwing the contents of his glass down his throat , when the kitchen door swings open and a young man steps through . Lawrence puts his cup down and watches him . Something in the way he moves is different . Somehow his movements come off as light , almost bouncy . Even just clearing dishes from tables , his movements are quick , precise . He wears a t - shirt , jeans , and boots , all are cheap , but he still has an air of status . Lawrence notes that he 's not sweating . He looks up , checking for more stray dishes . Lawrence motions him over . " You finished with this , mister ? " Lawrence inhales and catches the scent of aged stone . " Sorry , mister , I 'm just here for the dishes . You 'll want to try Craiper St . around ten tonight . " He grabs a plate , Lawrence grabs his wrist . Sun … Heat … Dry … Sand … Lawrence pulls his hand away , palm red . Perspiration stands out on the young man 's brow now , fear in his eyes . He slides into the booth across from Lawrence . Lawrence pours another glass of water and waits for the boy to say something . " I 'm on break ! " She throws up her hands and goes back into the kitchen . Tito smiles at Lawrence . " Let 's go outside . " Lawrence downs his water and follows him out and around the diner . " I 'm Benjamin Fuller , but everyone calls me , Tito . Now who the hell are you ? " It 's a fair question . If he doesn 't know what he is then he 's probably really freaked out . Lawrence can 't blame him , he 's been there . " Ha , not likely , man . " Tito looks skeptical , very skeptical . There 's at least fifteen years between them . And while Tito isn 't a full blooded Mexican , Lawrence can tell at least one of his parents is , while Lawrence couldn 't be more white without being an albino . It 's hard to believe . " I don 't mean biologically . I mean spiritually . " Tito 's face is instantly serious . " You can feel it , can 't you ? That subtle , tickling at the back of your brain that makes you feel like you know me , even while at your core I unsettle you . " " Yes . " Tito looks so relieved that it breaks Lawrence 's heart . He knows what it 's like to finally have this explained . Lawrence had spent three years in a mental hospital trying to deal by himself . Tito is a strong young man . " Where is there open desert ? " Tito points down an alley . Lawrence starts walking , Tito doesn 't need to be told to follow , he falls into step next to Lawrence careful not to touch him . They come out the other end of the alley seeing open land . For Lawrence it 's as close to nothing as he ever wants to get . Longing fills Tito 's eyes . " I want to share something with you . Watch out there . " Lawrence takes a deep breath and centers himself . The urge to speak has been growing since they stepped out of the diner , the dryness creeping in to all his dark places . Tito 's hands fly up to cover his ears . " Ah ! What the hell ? " FLASH ! BOOM ! The thunder cuts off any further curses . Tito 's gaze is drawn out to the desert , where black storm clouds have formed out of nowhere . The fear is back in his eyes , he retreats till his back hits the wall to the building . " What have you done ? " " I spoke my Word . We 're Word Bearers , Tito . You have your own . Can you feel it ? Deep in core . " Lawrence can see he 's confused . He 's frightened , overwhelmed . FLASHBOOM ! " You can stop this , Tito . Go ahead . Say your Word . I want to hear it . " " I don 't … I 'm not sure . " Confusion and fear war on Tito 's face . Lawrence hopes he won 't run . He didn 't mean to scare the boy . " Of course you 're sure . You 've known it for centuries , you just haven 't spoken it yet . It 's okay . I 'm here with you . " His first step is hesitant , his second is firm , his third is confident . Lawrence realizes he 's holding his breath . Tito looks up at him , he nods . Tito fixes his gaze on the storm . " " There it is . It 's as quiet as Lawrence 's Word is loud , but no less powerful . It 's so beautiful . As Lawrence watches the storm clouds dissipate a tear rolls down his cheek . 2 Dad suffered even from a sight of blood , and he never killed a hen nor slaughtered a pig . But I was aware that once he had donated his blood in the name of my Mum still , because she 'd had a narrow escape on an operating table then . With me a doctor would have my blood tested in a moment : one , two and it 's done . But first they make you ready for rather a time : take a seat , then have a proper finger chosen , though it is always just the one , then they wipe it with spirits until take somewhat sharp like a mini - scalpel . Not everyone can stand the procedure , but I was not against it when a doctor suggested me having my blood tested . She was a likable one , youngish for her age , not married or divorced , probably . And she had no child , I felt it immediately , she had such a look , barren if you want . Possibly for health reasons she could not bear a child or she didn 't find a right man . Or she could have a particular blood group not to have a child with anyone , that 's why she employed at a doctor 's consulting room to make blood tests . And she urged me to have my blood tested . At first I didn 't mind it , the right thing it is , still she didn 't ask my permission . " Just let 's have your blood tested " , she said and left me . She had many things to do I suppose . In doctor 's smocks they walked hither and thither all the time at a clinic there talking over the heads of those waiting , as if one was dead already . And I was still alive and a nurse was preparing to have my blood tested . While she got me ready she was chattering . She said that men were afraid of blood testing nowadays . More and more they refused to do it and ran away sometimes seeing a drop of blood . And one had nothing to fear , there was a couch behind the curtain in a special emergency to lie low , in case one fainted . She pulled the white curtain aside and showed me a couch with dark green leatherette and I shivered all at once : what for they needed my blood ? She suggested me taking off a jacket and rolling up my sleeve , left or right one , I don 't rMy Bio : Mr . Valery Petrovskiy is a journalist and short story writer from Russia . Не is an English Department graduate at Chuvash State University , Cheboksary , graduated in journalism at VKSch Higher School , Moscow and in psychology at Kazan State Technology University . He has been writing prose since 2005 . Some of his writing has been published in The Scrambler , Rusty Typer , BRICKrethoric , NAP Magazine , Literary Burlesque , The Other Room , Curbside Quotidian , DANSE MACABRE , WidowMoon Press , PRIME MINCER , Apocrypha and Abstractions , The Legendary in the USA , and in Australian " Skive " and " Going Down Swinging " magazines . At the moment he is writer - in - residence at Marco Polo Art Mag . It 's dark in here . That 's because I live at the bottom of the jewellery box along with the other outcasts : the tangled necklace with the broken lobster claw and teddy pendant she got for her eleventh birthday , along with the bracelet that 's missing a couple of gem stones . She always says she will have them repaired but never does , preferring to spend the money on more fashionable pieces instead that imitate Asian and Oriental designs . An untrained eye might imagine that they were found by a back - packer on their travels , but they weren 't . They can be bought from any shop on the high - street , and are merely echoes of worlds she 's never seen . Not all of us down here are broken though . I 'm not , and neither is the engagement ring she got from Mark , ( who eventually cheated on her with Shannon from Reception , ) or the belly bar she took out when she put weight on and decided looked too young for her anyway . The ones at the top who get worn more often pity us , ( ' how boring it must be , ' they say to each other in whispers they think we can 't hear , ' being cooped up down there , month in , month out , ' ) but in a way they 're jealous . As I 've said , you could buy them in their hundreds if you wanted to , and they are without sentimental value like the childhood necklace or the belly bar that reminds her of her wild teens and early twenties . They 're easily replaced and she gives them away when they become outdated - or chucks them if even her younger sister and the charity shops say no , thanks . She doesn 't like Mark 's ring or me , so it isn 't often that her fingers dig through the chunky bangles and strings of beads to bring me to the surface . It happens maybe three or four times a year when she has arranged to visit The Matriarch . The ring doesn 't even get a look in . Why Mark wouldn 't let her give it back to him so that he could give it to someone he did love is beyond us ; at least that way it would have been enjoyed . All the same , seeing as I 'm an heirloom and the ring is eighteen carat white goPerhaps you imagine I get bitter when the voices of the favoured ones float above my head , chattering away about their ventures out of the box : days at work , dinners , dates , parties and who was there , who wasn 't there , what she wore … you get the drift . Or worse , maybe you feel sorry for me . I 'd rather you didn 't . Pity the rest but not me . I 'm not so keen on their weight pressing down on me but I don 't mind the dark . In fact I quite like it . It reminds me of home , my real one , from before I met people . As for being bitter , you can rule that out . I 'm a pearl , darling ; it 's not in my nature . You lot have seen me as a symbol of love for thousands of years and I do try to live up to my name by being kind - although I cannot help but wince sometimes at the irony , given that the first person I ever met died . Don 't look at me like that ; it wasn 't my fault . But that 's why she doesn 't like me . All the same , when you 've being kept in a family for over a century you do take an interest in your present owner , even if it 's not reciprocated , so I enjoy listening to the young ones ' gossip . Let them have their fun while they still can . The best they can hope for is a place in a child 's dressing - up box in just a few , short years so they might as well enjoy it . 2 . Memories . I might be old - fashioned and be from a past that she and you would rather forget , but I 'm not like your kind . I will endure and outlive the others , her - even you . And I never forget . My memory doesn 't grow weak with age , it gets stronger . I can still smell what my home was like ; still feel the movements of the person who found me when he panicked and rushed too quickly to the top , and the urgent , grasping hand of the first , but different person to ever touch me , as though I 'd only stopped smelling and feeling them a minute ago . The memories of my owners and the events in their lives play like the films you are so fond of ; the moment when her grandfather proposed to her grandmother , and the christening of her mother , they are a3 . Before she grew up . I suppose you think it strange that her grandmother , ( or The Matriarch as she jokingly calls her , ) skipped a generation and gave me to someone who doesn 't like me , but it never used to be this way . When she was little and used to visit her grandmother she would ask , ( very politely after giving her a peck on the cheek , ) if she could play with her jewellery box . The answer was always yes , and she would very carefully hunt through the diamonds and gold to find me , pin me to her jumper and wear me for the rest of the time she was there . It became something of a ritual , to the point where her grandmother began to pick me out herself and would put me on the coffee table ready for when she arrived . When she was eighteen , The Matriarch had a heart attack , and fearing that she would never leave hospital , insisted on the girl 's mother driving for two hours to get me , so that she could give me to her personally before it was too late . They were very close , and still are in spite of the distance , for she survived against all the odds . Whenever she goes to see her she always comments on how lovely it is , seeing her granddaughter all grown up , wearing her old brooch that 's always been her favourite . And I was for a time . Traditionally I was only worn for a special or significant occasion , but when she was at college I had the strange but enjoyable experience of being put in her pocket and going with her , and if she felt nervous about something her fingers would slide down to stroke me . Normally I hated people manhandling me , but I didn 't mind in her case - it was better than her biting her nails . It was almost as if she thought that having me with her would stop something bad happening - and I have been viewed as ' lucky . ' Stop sniggering , it 's true . In the days of knights and sword - fighting , we would be worn when the rich and noble went into battle because they thought we would protect them from harm , so don 't laugh at her . It felt good , being wanted , and I have to confess I came in danger You don 't like being reminded of your past - those days of glory when Britain ruled half the world . I think that 's why you apologise so much , and give more than you can afford to charities trying to save the poor and starving around the globe . It 's almost as though you 're trying to make up for all the wrongs done before you were born . And I 've tried to avoid talking about it in case you ran away - I get lonely sometimes and it 's nice having someone to talk to . But you can 't run forever , things have to be faced eventually . Some of you may already know and may already be trying to shut out the sound of my words by turning your thoughts to the plans you 've made for the weekend , but there 'll be a lot of you who don 't . There are lots of happy anecdotes from my owners ' lives I could have told you but this is the one you need to hear : My story . We are not like your kind , but there is one thing we have in common : just as you can 't remember coming out of the womb , we don 't know what it was like being a grain of sand or piece of shell squeezing our way inside an oyster and hardening ; all I remember is being . There were no thoughts , for when you live inside a shell there isn 't a great deal to think about - nothing happens . That probably sounds dull to you but there was no sadness , no pain or death . It was peaceful , just being . I didn 't know this at the time but even nothing has to come to an end eventually : the day would always have come when I would be found . It will be hard for you to understand what it was like being taken out of water , hearing sounds , seeing colours and light - all for the first time . On paper it sounds great , this explosion of life , but the reality was frightening - and even fear was something I had never heard of or felt before . Maybe that 's why your newborns usually cry when they come out , because they 're scared and want to go back . I 'm trying to think of ways to describe how it was to you , and the only way I can think of is for you to imagine an ancient Egyptian being placed in the middle of a supermarket . That might give you a better idea , but even that doesn 't come close . I 've learnt a lot since then - ( I 've had to , I didn 't have any other choice - ) but there 's one thing I 've never been able to get my head around , and that is time . Your lives are ruled by clocks and diaries telling you when deadlines or birthdays are due , but when you have so much time whole years , even decades can pass you by . Forgive me then , if I am a little hazy on dates . What I can tell you is that I was brought to the surface in the late 1800s , which makes me special . There aren 't many of us that come from nature now . Most are made by man in bulk on farms . Things changed . You suddenly became concerned about human life and diving equipment got better . Both meant that the world 's poor no were no longer forced to hold their breaths for comments » I knew that someone important was going to walk into my life at 12 : 15 , just after I normally drink tea and prepare for an slow day working on the horoscope . Now , maybe you might not believe me . After all , I am a professional charlatan . But I knew something was up , because for the last two weeks every prediction I have made actually worked out . It started when I saw Mrs Henderson . She was a fat woman , an unpleasant woman , a great client . Like most people who wanted a reading , she didn 't want the truth . And normally I didn 't give it to her . I pulled out the equipment . It was a plain set . It looked like bone china , but was made in china for a very low price . Mrs Henderson looked impressed anyway . She had a lot of money , and not a lot of sense . Anyway , I started reading the information contained in the tea leafs . And then the world went blank . When I returned to the world , Mrs Henderson was gone . I walked out of the shop I had rented , and another of the shopkeepers came up to me . He was normally an quiet , amicable chap . This time he looked like he wanted to throttle me . " She came out of here . Howling and crying , like you 'd tried to kill her . " he put his face up to mine , " You ever do it again and I 'll . . " " I don 't know what you 're talking about , " and I backed away from him . He stalked off . I walked back to my shop , ready to wait for my next appointment . Mrs Abbot didn 't come . She left a nervous message on my answer phone . At the time I didn 't realise why . Because I had no other clients for the day , I went home . My mouth opened wide . It was such a shock , it seemed like I 'd just been told I was about to die . And then . Then I was in my bed , looking at the ceiling . The police officers had gone . But it felt more real than a dream . It must have been a dream . Yeah , that was what it was , I convinced myself . Although I should have known better . In Ireland you can make a full time living as a psychic . less so in England . The English wouldn 't even pay you if you could predict the lottery . So I also work as a pitchman . Which , if you think about it , is just another way to make a dishonest buck . I walked to the nearest boot sale , and set up . It isn 't too crowded in the morning . And everyone is busy . So I crawl in through the hedge . They don 't know that I 'm there against the rules . I set up . My table is old fashioned . A suitcase with legs you fold out . Like the true pitchmen of the 50 's . My pitch is the worm . They wiggle around my hand , like they are alive . The fools in the crowd gave me money . That is what they are for . She had the longest blondest hair this side of fairyland , and her smile lights up the room like a flashlight . And I knew I am meant to talk to her . Just now . She walked off . I had the sense she is in trouble . She was poorer than she used to be , her clothes were expensive , but last years fashion . I had a feeling I will meet her again . When I got there , there was Mrs Henderson and her husband . Their eyes were red . They had been crying . I couldn 't understand what they were there for . I managed to get them to leave . At first I thought that the gossip would help me . But the truth is , no one wants to go to a psychic that tells them the truth . Life is hard enough . You go to a psychic to hear lies . I made some money as a pitchman , so it didn 't affect me too much . But I kept on having bad dreams . I kept on seeing people I knew in them . Not just that , I saw how they died . Their pain . And I started to write down what I saw . In a book by my bedside cabinet . The extra time I had meant I was drinking more too . It was like I 'd been cursed . But the worst was the Christians . They decided that these dreams were inspired by Satan . They set up the picket line in front of my office . I started to think I should simply leave . On Wednesday , the cleaner came in . She was a nosy parker . And no mistake . Her husband had died a few years back , and she was interested in everything . While it 's not the way she put it , she was very interested in the diary . All the details of the different murders and deaths I 'd seen . All the factual details that no one else other than the murderer could know . She took it to the police , and they read it , and they got their warrant . I arrived back at the normal time , and nothing was different . The book was there . I didn 't notice the surveillance cameras . Not at all . They broke in that night . It wasn 't a dream . And I looked up to them bleary eyed , a gun pointing in my face , and swore . They dragged me towards the back of the car , and I noticed someone had decided to give the press warning . So it was very public . Once in , they took me right there . And kitted me out in fetching jail clothing , since I was still in pyjamas . This was the first time I was in jail , and I can tell you it is not as bad as some people say . There is an odd vinegar smell , hiding other bodily fluids . And it is never quiet . There is always shouting going on , and doors slammed . But it was no worse than some hotels I 've been in while performing . I looked across at my lawyer . Short , thin , balding and bored . The police officer had my diary in front of him . He picked it up . " In it , you 've got the details of dozens of murders . Information the police hasn 't released to the public . Information . . . dare I say it , in some cases that the police didn 't even know themselves . " And that was it . That was the full content of the interview . I was hustled off into the cell , and ended up waiting for days . In telephone conversations with friends , I knew the police were digging up my life . I was given a notebook , and a pen , and I continued to write down my dreams . I thought I might as well . The police would search my cell every now and again , and confiscate them . They even moved me to solitary . Made sure no one could be feeding me this information . Or , presumably , that I wasn 't ordering the killings . But the dreams continued . They were getting worse and worse . Every morning I woke up feeling like I had not slept . I guess at least things looked up , because they took me from prison . They drove me along country lanes , towards a building . I can 't tell you precisely where it was . It just looked like an old school to be honest . You 'd never have guessed it was an intelligence headquarters . They bundled me out into an empty building . You 've heard of the secret prisons . Well , they are true . They dressed me up in a uniform , tagged my ankle , and locked me in a cage . The only thing they gave me was some paper and a pen to write down my dreams . Sometimes people came to research me . They put me in scanners , and gave me all kinds of medical tests . The results were unsurprising . I was just a normal , healthy individual . And that was how it seemed I was destined to live for the rest of my life . Until I started to hear the voices . They were low . Just like someone was talking in the next room . Distant . And I couldn 't make them out . That night I was tossing and turning , and I heard someone shout out my name . I woke up . No one was there . Then I tried to get asleep again , and managed it . But the voice was insistent . Nothing answered me . The guards walked past my cell . But with the dreams and the voices , I was getting no sleep . It started to affect me so badly I would not even eat food . Within a few days I was exhausted . Mentally and physically drained . And I guess that is what the creatures wanted . Because soon they broke through . It 's hard to tell you how it felt . But if you have ever had a moment of shock , when you suddenly feel like you aren 't there , you 'll know . He said his name . And then the voice faded away . But I knew I had to do precisely what he told me . I 'd go mad otherwise . Maybe I was already mad . The opportunity came sooner than I expected . My handlers were getting anxious . I was producing less predictions than normal , and the federal conviction rate was plummeting through the floor . The handlers looked like model citizens . Dark suits , a man and a woman dressed formally , like they were lawyers . They flashed their badge to me . I don 't know why , the fact I was in a prison gave them away . The police officer fell back . You could see him working it through in his mind . Despite the success of my predictions , he settled on the conclusion I was mad . After all , psychic phenomena were impossible . He 'd read that once . I shook my head . But that night , I was thinking about it , and decided that I had to ask . Had to have a conversation , if only for my sanity . When the voices started up , I leaned forward in my bed . I asked the question again . But he would say nothing of use to me . he would only repeatedly ask me to find his killers . Not very useful . Eventually , I managed to coax his name from him . Nigel . Not a very good name for a joke . That was the strange thing . No murder victims of that name came up . Not any time soon . But a week later , a Nigel disappeared . And I realised the truth . I looked through the court reports . He had been killed by stabbing . They wouldn 't let me out of the jail . So all I could do was read the files they brought on him . And I got the feeling that many of the details had been redacted . it was like looking for a haystack in an elephant : messy and not very satisfactory . There were only two people I decided who could have done it . They both had a great deal to gain . At the end of the day , though , there is a limit to what you can do from inside a jail cell . The guards looked sceptically at me when I asked for it . But I was responsible for half the murder arrests in the district for the last six months . So they eventually gave me what I wanted . Especially when I refused to furnish them with any more information . I don 't know if you have ever been to a proper séance . Well , to be honest , most of the time the knocks are from the medium . But this time it was different . Within moments of the séance starting , I was aware that the room was colder . Then the entire board lifted off the table , and flew towards me . It hit the wall a few inches from my face . The room warmed up again . The presence was gone . For a little while . " I didn 't " I replied . I knew that he didn 't believe me . But he would have to show more senior people . And I knew they couldn 't afford to risk me . I went back to bed . For the first time in weeks , I had no bad dreams . I guess Nigel knew I understood his message . I slept very soundly . Until the next morning . But my guards didn 't really understand . Or they did not want to understand . My handler met me in the interview room the next morning . He looked tired . Besides him sat a man I hadn 't seen before . He wore the cleanest , most expensive suit I had seen during my stay at the states pleasure . The man stood up . He walked out of the room . Measured , and without menace . But he didn 't seem to be a man used to dealing with no . My handler shook his head . He didn 't need to tell me the consequences . All of a sudden , I was put on suicide watch . Woken up every thirty minutes to see if I wasn 't dead yet . The heating in my cell surprisingly broke . I knew I was in their hands totally . But I never realised what it was like to displease them . You see , Nigel might be a ghost , but that doesn 't mean he is stupid . He can see what is happening . He knows they are stopping me doing what he wants . And this gets him angry . They first times he acted , it looked like coincidence . The guards chair would tilt under him , depositing him on the floor . Or cups of coffee were not placed firmly enough on the table . The guards were spooked by me . They knew that I was able to see things they could not . But although the guards face became pale , his hand on the trigger was steady and firm . It was too late . The chair slammed into the guard . He dropped to the floor . Then I saw the guards keys float from his pocket . My cell door was unlocked . I walked over to the guard , stripped his clothes off , and changed into his uniform . I thought I didn 't have much of a choice . If I didn 't do what Nigel wanted he would kill me . Every door I came to slid open without me doing anything . It would have been creepy if I didn 't know what was happening . Soon the alarms started to ring out . People would be grabbing their guns , getting ready to shoot me . I could feel my heart trying to escape from my chest . I soon arrived at fire exit . It opened in front of me . I climbed down some steps . Below me , I could see coppers swarming . I continued to walk down . One of the coppers recognised me . I ran in the opposite direction . He took aim , and I could hear the gun explode behind me . But the bullet didn 't pierce my skin like I expected . Instead , it ended in the ground . I reached a police car , and the engine came on without anyone doing anything . Then I went into a store and bought black trousers and a white shirt . Got changed . And walked out of the shopping centre , expecting to be caught at any time . In my pocket there was five hundred dollars . That was all I had in the world , except for an insane ghost . I decided it was time to go to the library . After chatting to the librarian for a few seconds , she walked me over to a computer which had copies of the local papers for the last twenty years . I typed a search . At first I found nothing , but as I expanded the search back I found him . According to the interview , he was found murdered in his bed . He had been asleep . His wife had been charged and convicted of his murder . But she said she was innocent . Nothing came in response . I knew that would happen . It was too much to hope for . It was getting late at night . The librarian was fussing near me . It was time to go . When you are a fugitive , it isn 't as simple to find a place to stay as booking a room in a hotel . I walked round , looking for an empty house . It took me an hour . Occasionally a police car would go past . It made me nervous . At one time it would have been a posh bungalow . But whoever had owned it had been taken to a care home , and it was covered in weeds and neglect . I walked up to the door , and it swings open . That is one of the advantages of your own private poltergeist . Inside it was a mess . But dry and water proof . There was a wood burning stove in one room . The power was off , and Nigel didn 't turn it on . But the water was only off at the mains . It was easy enough to get it working again . In the morning I would have to start the process of searching for Nigel Slater . I knew roughly where he lived . I fell asleep , and woke up hungry and cramped . Outside , I could hear rustling . I peeked through the window , and could see a man dressed only in black . He looked like he was not very friendly . I ducked down , but he must have seen me . He edged towards the door . It was locked , but he slammed it open . I hid behind the sofa . it didn 't help . He walked towards me . I noticed he had a poker in his hand . There was no way he wouldn 't find me . I stood up . I looked over at him . He had a long scar down his face . it seemed like he was used to trouble . And he was straining to start a fight . I did what he said . He followed me . I thought he might hit me at any second . or recognise me . They must have put my picture out into the news by now . I sighed with relief , but knew that my location might be passed onto the police . I decided it was time to get out of the town . I caught a bus , and tried to hide my face . Since I hadn 't had a bath for a few days it was easier than you might think . People did not want to look me in the eyes . I arrived at Nigel 's house six hours latter . It was a solemn house . A plane front garden laid to grass , brick frontage , and white windows . It didn 't look like anyone had ever cared for it . It looked like it was a place to sleep and not to stay . It took me a few minutes to settle down , and watch the street . There was nothing extraordinary about it . A few people walked past , taking little interest in the stranger . After watching for half an hour , I knew there was little information here for me . Talking round the local shops I found out that Nigel had been a quiet man . Few people knew him , past his saying hello . he didn 't seem to have been involved in anything wrong . or indeed in anything at all . I decided that there could only really have been one source of trouble . He must have found out something at work . Something that made him worth more to someone dead than alive . I got some annual reports from his company and studied them . Amazing what is available on the internet these days . There was little of interest . I applied to work at Nigel 's company as a cleaner . it was a big risk . I supplied false references , and knew they would not check them for months . That 's the thing about cleaners . No one takes any notice . So I got the job , and examined the work place thoroughly . It looked like an office . The computers were always on . Once or twice I looked over the shoulder of someone working but it was all gobbledygook to me . To make it worse , I saw my face on the newspaper when I went for food . Sure , I looked a lot different now . I had grown longer hair , a beard , and was thinner . But it was still me . I grew suspicious of other people . Then came my big break . Several people were working in the office late . I overhead them speaking about a billion dollar deal . The company was getting bought out . I checked the internet , and there was something in the trade section . The routine was the same every day . But one of my colleagues had not turned up to work . So I was asked to clean the main office . I did so . But I did more than that , I broke into the file cabinets , and started reading company secrets . But that didn 't save me for long . The next day I arrived at work a few minutes earlier . Something told me that things were wrong . The security guard on the gate was new . He told me to go out to the bosses office . I walked into a small lab , and looked around . There was a window , and I tried to open it . In the distance I could see five police cars . The window wouldn 't open . There was only one way out . And I knew that by now , there would be police officers between me and the door . I looked round to find a chair . Then used it to break the window . The alarm went , and I slid through the empty hole . But I caught my shoulder on a shard of glass . I was bleeding . The police gave up their pretence . Dozens of sirens started up , heading towards the building . I ran through a green space . I knew that there was only one way out of the compound except the front gate . A hole in the fence I had noticed a few days earlier . But over head their was a helicopter . Although I ran like the wind , it wasn 't enough . I could hear the police men getting closer and closer . I turned around and saw two police officers . They both had guns pointed at me . I raised my hands , and they soon had me on the ground . I arrived at my destination a few hours latter . This time they were taking no chances . I arrived at a super maximum prison . Surrounded by barbed wire , dogs , and armed police officers it was obvious I 'd never get out . The next day the interrogation began . Again and Again . Asking me where I had gone . What I had done . I eventually broke down and told them everything . But that didn 't stop them continuing . Maybe what they were doing was no crime . But it was a form of torture . Eventually , the interrogations stopped . They gave me paper . They wanted to go back to how it used to be . But by that time I had got so angry , even when I did have a dream I kept it to myself . I wasn 't there . So all I can do is repeat the report that was made to me . No guarantee it is what happened . Apparently the director of the FBI had been having an extramarital affair . He was in bed that normal , and engaging in exercise at the same time . This was not expected , but what was even more unexpected was the windows opening wide . And the explosions of a gun . The director of the FBI 's gun . But I do know that it made the national news . The assistant director of the FBI resigned . And , to be frank , most of the people in the FBI did not care much about that . But it was fair warning . He didn 't seem to be exactly happy about what had happened . In fact , he stormed in to the visiting room , and let loose a barrage of swear words . I sat there passively , listening to him . When he calmed down sufficiently , he sat down . " Nigel was right . All he wants is his murderer found . But he isn 't going to stop . Not until that is done . Not even if he has to kill someone else to do it . " " No . I am not . Nigel is a threat to you . If you stand in the way , that is . He is a ghost . What can you do to get rid of him ? " The director of the FBI thought for a few seconds . An hour latter , a priest turned up with bell , book and candle . it didn 't work spectacularly . The power went off , the candle blew out , the bell rang , and the book was thrown across the room . The director gestured to the mirror and two toughs walked in . They carried some rope . They tied me to the chair , and lifted a cosh over their heads . Then all hell broke lose . The cosh swung back by itself . it raised into the air , and came down , laying out one of the thugs . The other caught me a glancing blow , but something unseen lifted him from the floor and threw him against the wall . " You have a choice . Director . Help find Nigel 's killer . Or , I think , Nigel will chase you down and gut you like a fish . " Eventually the Director settled down again . He sat in his chair , silently looking at me . I wasn 't a pretty picture . Thin , and in prison coveralls . I must have looked like a real criminal . They let me go that afternoon . Put me in a suit , and told me I was seconded to the FBI . I was even given my own agent . He was tall , thin , and looked every inch the government man . The agent shook his head . He gave nothing away . That was when I knew he wasn 't sent to help me . Just to keep an eye out on me . Nevertheless , I decided that I could use him . Like he wanted to use me . I looked over to him , and told him to get a warrant . We were going to search Nigel 's company . And read every damn bit of paper they had about Sigma . When we arrived at the door , they had their lawyer sorted out already . Someone must have leaked it . He looked like he had cost a lot of money . " I 'm afraid we have the right not to incriminate ourselves . We are asserting that right . Both as a company , and as individuals . So , no , you can ask any questions but we will not answer them . " I was surprised when I found the clue . It was something no one else would have noticed . A single envelope in the bin . It contained an address . I think Nigel must have been helping me . I was drawn to it . But the thing I noticed was the fact the address had a Sigma stamp . Once we were out of the building , I decided to break away from the FBI agent . I knew some things would work better on my own . it was easier said than done . When I tried to go for a walk that night , he insisted on staying right by me . Getting to the address was difficult . I didn 't have a car , I had to take the bus . Most of the journey there wasn 't even that . And it had began to rain . I must have looked odd , walking around town that late at night , soaked . In fact , I surprised no copper stopped me . " Good enough , " I said . Knowing I was lying as I said it . It wasn 't like it was my strong point . The expression on the coppers face showed he thought not either . He stood there behind me his mouth opened , as I shimmied the lock . it opened . I walked in . This was a mistake , I didn 't notice the small CCTV camera , the camera that was hidden in a plug socket . But it was sending my picture right up to the security office . I worked quickly , going up the stairs to the office . I don 't know what I had expected to see . But what I did see looked just like any other office . Even down to the half drunk cup of coffee . I woke up in the boot of a car . I could feel the engine running , and smell burning petrol . It was pick black . The car started off , bumping along the ground . Hitting me from side to side . My hands were tied behind my back . It was lucky I knew a little magic . I got the knot loose without much effort . Then I grovelled around the car to find something , anything that could help me . There was a wrench , which I picked up . I put the rope around my wrists , hiding the fact I was loose . And put the wrench in my pocket . The boot of the car swung open . One of the security guards lifted me out of the boot . He was covered in muscle . My mouth opened wide . That was the last thing I expected to hear . They marched me along the ground and I saw him for the first time . Nigel . Alive . Then the room went strange . Something turned the lights off , and opened the windows . It even raised a chair off the ground . The security guard looked worried for the first time . " For the last month , I have been searching for the person who killed Nigel Slater . You , sir , are Nigel Slater . But it seems your ghost hasn 't got the information you are alive . " But it didn 't work . By the time that the ambulance arrived , Nigel was in a deep coma . It took only a short time after that until the first homicide detective got there . But the truth is , it was fate . No ones fault . Except the murderer . After all , how can Nigel Slater 's ghost come into my dreams unless he is actually killed ? What happened next surprised me . The cops arrested me . Told me I was being held on suspicion of murder . I told them not to be idiots , but they wrote it in their notebooks and not their minds . By that point the clues would be getting stale , so I drove right to the company . But they wouldn 't let me in . it was a police investigation , they said . No dice . I called the FBI agent and asked him to run the full scan on Slater . By the time he had finished I would know every single family member . And all I had to do was interview them . The only clue left to me was Sigma . The company was closed for a few hours , but the managing director wasn 't . Again the FBI came to my rescue . They had the address , and I wasn 't afraid to use it . We walked up the garden path . It wasn 't the most luxurious house that a managing director had ever lived at . But I knocked on the door anyway . I walked in . Behold , the group was all there . The director of the FBI himself . The attorney general . And a four star general . I could feel the back of my assistant straightening up . The Managing Director pressed a button on the TV . It switched on . Nigel Slater 's office . I saw him pick up his glass . Put the chemicals in it . The MD fast forwarded . Nigel killed himself . " Oil . We got him to produce computer models . All the oil reserves . He was so great . . . well , he could produce a program that told us exactly where oil was , just from satellite images . " Just at that moment a dozen armed guards came into the room . Their guns were pointed right at me . I raised my hands , and was soon plunged into the carpet . They searched me . Didn 't find anything interesting . " Yeah . But I don 't think you did it . I don 't think you were that smart . But I don 't know what this being who calls himself Nigel Slater is , " I didn 't struggle . By now , them putting handcuffs on me was almost routine . I just wish I had been able to continue my life as a charlatan . I didn 't know what to say to that . it was true . it was obvious when you think about it . Nigel had told me he was murdered when he was still alive . but no one ever said the soul was bound to the arrow of time . Within a few minutes we had picked up an escort . From what I could tell , they had closed the road down . Only we were travelling that evening . I gulped . It looked like things were just about to head for the worse . The trip to the Whitehouse was the most fraught I had experienced in my life . The director of the FBI was reading faxes and emails in the car . His face was getting more and more pale . " I guess like the English did in WWII . With disinformation . We need to get an Chinese agent and feed him bad info . And I guess Nigel might be your best hope for that . " I guess the FBI director caught on quickly . Because he could go anywhere , Nigel could listen to the Chinese chatter . He could find Chinese agents . Maybe he didn 't know Chinese , but he knew enough to listen in to the English language conversations . It wasn 't a new concept . The CIA had investigated it in the sixties . But they didn 't have a real life ghost , so their experiments failed . This time we had a real ghost . I asked them to pick out the Ouija board again . The séance room was a sight you had never seen in your life . The president and the director of the FBI holding hands , in a dark room . The president of the united states shook his head . You could tell he couldn 't believe what he was seeing . He got up from his seat , and you could almost hear his bones cracking . Over in the corner of the room I could see a computer with satellite images . I could watch the Chinese fleet mobilising in real time . The number of dots that represented aircraft carriers alone was scary . " It will only be a few days before we have to mobilise our own navy . " The wait was excruciating . But suddenly five hours latter , the board started spelling out a name . The FBI director went to work . Within minutes they had the file out . He didn 't look like what you would expect of a Chinese agent . He had long , blonde hair , was dressed in a respectable suit , and had a respectable job . He worked in the old navy base . His job was to work on the files , reading sensitive military information . Including information about resource allocation . Once they checked his bank account the truth became obvious . The FBI director stood up , and paced down the long thin corridor . Then he arrived back in the meeting room with a young woman . She was dressed in military uniform . He explained the plan . It was simple . The Chinese agent needed to think it had all been a hoax . But for that to work , he would have to eat a pack of lies . I wasn 't there , so I can report only what I have been told . The female agent I had been introduced to worked in the old navy headquarters . She worked in the files there . It is a room full of top secret papers . Room might be the wrong word ; it was the size of an aircraft hanger . She worked there , and had spent months being bored . So naturally , she had struck up a conversation with the handsome blonde military attaché . And , the conversation was reciprocated . The director of the FBI looked at her . She didn 't look like much to put the freedom of the world onto . But she was eager . And after being told what to do , she didn 't complain . She saluted . I stood at the back of the room , watching the Director of the FBI feeling out the officer , and knew I would have to talk to Nigel alone . I didn 't trust her . She looked too good to be true with her starched uniform and willing smile . The new agent went into a staff car , to be driven to the headquarters . She looked very lonely in the back of the car . Meanwhile , we walked to the operations room . There was a banks of monitors the length of the room . We could see satellite images of the build up of the Chinese fleet , as well as real time updates of our spies . I nodded . Then looked back over to the screens . I could see our agent depositing the papers in her draw . She phoned up the Chinese agent , and set up dinner . It looked like a glorious feast . Roast duck , with all the trimmings . The doorbell went . She walked over to it , and opened it . She said something , and the Chinese agent walked into the room . After ten minutes of conversation , she walked away . To go to the toilet . He walked over to the draws , and started rummaging . After a few minutes he found the file our agent had left . He took out the smallest camera you have ever seen , and clicked the image . After that , he put the files away . After he left , the confirmation came thick and fast . The Chinese fleet disbanded . It was amazing to see , but they split up within a matter of hours . Soon the sea around Taiwan was empty except for commercial shipping . I guess that if this had been a story that would be it . I would have been given a party , a celebration , and been allowed to leave . After all , I had saved the day . Well , Nigel did leave . I haven 't heard from him since . After they had finished celebrating , a guard collected me , and drove me in a prison van to here . It is a cold concrete cell . I am allowed a TV , and to write carefully vetted letters . I 'm not sure how I will post this , my story . Maybe I will write it under the postage stamp . I guess for an old crook like me , it is fair . But I wish I had been sent to jail for something I did . And not for some trumped up terrorist charge . Currently we only offer payment for one story selected as the feature story in the monthly pdf magazine only . The successful author will be contacted to organise payment via paypal for a $ 5AUD payment . 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The ship swayed and creaked . He feels every bit of it in his body . Taking no chances the crew , damnedable pirates , have chained him with no give . Legs bound in a kneeling position , arms chained to either wall crucifying him to the ship like a perverse figurehead , he 's been their captive long enough to have forgotten the feel of kindness . It is a small blessing that their fear of him keeps his gag in place at all times . It keeps them from coming anywhere near him . The captain learned a long time ago that he gleans all he needs to live from the moisture in the air , the brine in his eyes . During storms , when he is strongest , the captain posts guards with him . They don 't look at him . A terrible hope fills him today . By the movement of the ship and the crew 's curses , he knows that they 're being pursued by another ship . This ship is a runner , fast . There 'd be little concern of capture if the ship did not gain its quickness from being light , gain its lightness from having little room for armaments or supplies . The pursuers have had them going for a week now and they 'd been out of port for at least a month . He knows from the panic in the crew that the food is all but gone . Soon they 'll be too weak to load what small guns are aboard . He 'd be surprised if they could remember how to sight the cannons it 's been so long since the captain has ordered them used . His hope stems from the pirates ' desperation . If they succumb to practicality then they 'll come for him . With frightened hearts and shaking hands , they 'll undo his chains and he 'll get to spend some time under the sky instead of under foot . So he waits for their desperation to bloom practicality . It does not take long . The first mate comes with three guards and the keys . It is always the first mate that comes to get him . The captain coming himself would make him a person that the captain fears , he wouldn 't last long once that got out among the crew . The first mate is the only one he trusts with the keys to his chains . " The captain wants to see you . " He speaks with a unique accent that comes with the ship 's pidgin of French , Spanish , and Greek . His ears hear the gibberish , but his mind provides him with the meaning . Slowly , they unchain his arms from the ship and secure them behind his back . The guards are afraid to touch him , unsure whether he 'll break or they 'll be infected with something . It strikes him as odd how religious some of these men are . Coming onto the deck , sea spray hits him in the face , covers his bare chest . He instantly feels more alive . He stands taller , muscles flex , the chains bite into his skin . They take him to the captain , standing at the aft of the ship . He stands beside the captain looking out at the wide ocean , the only thing marring their perfect view of the horizon the pursuers . The first mate and guards fold themselves into the three other men standing around them . The captain just stands there for a few minutes , ignoring him . This too is done to show the crew he will do this in his own time , to show that the man he keeps below decks does not frighten him . Around the gag , behind the locked mouth plate , he smiles . Only he and the captain know what he is , and he knows that the captain is frightened of that . " I have use of you . " From under his coat he draws out the key that only he is allowed to keep . He inserts into lock for the face plate . " If you hurt this ship my men will stab you and you will die before you can swim for freedom . Like always , yeah ? " He nods . It 's always the same threat . It vaguely occurs to him that this is only a half life . But then , the spirits would kill for half a life . The plate falls away and he spits the wooden wedge from his mouth . His tongue sticks out , tasting the salt in the air . He flexes his jaw , taking in the blue sky , the white clouds , the gentle waves . He smiles at the captain . Other than the crew 's swords there is very little compelling him . Finally , the captain 's annoyance at the delay shows on his face . He focuses on ship on the horizon . He tries not to think of the men on the ship . He knows he will have to answer for his actions one day , but he 's trying to postpone that day for as long as possible . " I 'm fine . Sorry . " The cabby 's eyes dart from the road to the rearview mirror and back . " I 'm good . I 'm okay . " The cabby 's eyes return to the road and stay there , Lawrence was prepared to keep reassuring him for the rest of the drive as long as he didn 't take his eyes off the road . " That jetlag 's a bitch , isn 't it ? " " Yeah , jetlag . " He doesn 't really feel like talking so he looks out the window . What he sees unsettles him so much that he almost closes his eyes again . Outside the cab desert stretched on for miles . When he 'd met the cabby at the airport he 'd been fine . They 'd been in the middle of a city . He preferred the buildings and people to the endless dry expanse . He tried to think of it as a sea of earth but it just made him queasy . He can 't help it , he closes his eyes . " We 're almost there , " the cabby rouses him . " If I 'd of known I wouldn 't have let you sleep at all . You wouldn 't believe how many people fall asleep in my cab from the airport . " The cabby keeps up a steady stream of chitchat for the next few minutes . Lawrence doesn 't say much , but he 's glad for the distraction . " Here we go , buddy . " He pulls up in front of an independent diner . Lawrence can tell the sign was made with care when it was painted , years in the desert sun has faded it badly . " They got good food here ? " " I don 't know . This is my first time here . " He pays the fare and steps out of the air - conditioned interior . His lips are immediately dry and cracked . The heat cuts him to the core as fast as it dried his lips , the urge to speak rises in him . He needs to escape this heat , he 's drowning in dryness . He rushes inside hoping that they 'll have air - conditioning . No such luck . The interior of the restaurant is as faded as the exterior . He seats himself , impatiently tapping his foot waiting for the waitress . He can hear the sound of the wind . Not the dry , lifeless wind of the desert , but the damp , alive wind of the storm . It 's calling to him , begging him to call out . He licks his lips with a tongue he can barely feel . He can 't help himself , the desert is antithesis for him . Why had he decided to come here ? To satisfy some adolescent curiosity ? He takes one long , shuttering breath . " The special , two of them , just bring me a pitcher of water . " His throat feels so dry . He has to speak now before he loses his chance . " Hmph ! " With blurry vision he watches her flounce back to the kitchen . He grabs the edge of the table to steady himself . He 's clenching his jaw by the time she comes back with a glass for him . He swallows half of it . The cool liquid fills him , calming him . Vision clears , hands stop shaking , the urge lessening . The torrent of wind in his ears shifts to a gentle breeze . How close had he come ? The waitress turns to leave again , he grabs her arm . " Can I get you anything else ? " She says it in such a way that makes Lawrence wonder if it 's actually a question . She tired of him he can tell . She 's too used to bullying the locals . He doesn 't trying to be nice to her , he just takes out a fifty and lays it on the table . " This is your tip if you keep bringing me pitchers of water . " Her eyes gleam slightly as she stares at the bill on the table . Slowly she puts the pitcher on the table . " Thank you . " He drains the rest of his glass and pours another . He finishes this one in three huge gulps . He doesn 't feel as trapped now , his breathing has evened out . He fills the glass a third time , finishing off the pitcher , but only sips this one . A couple minutes pass , the waitress brings his two specials and another pitcher . Lawrence only picks at his food . Between the desert and the age of the equipment in the diner the food is completely dry . Mainly he just cuts up the food and moves it around on his plate . Mainly he watches the people in the restaurant . He immediately discounts his waitress . Seeing her move around the diner , speaking with her , she 's spent most of her life trying to get away from this place . It 's a pity that she 'd never really feel like she belongs anywhere . An old man sits in another booth . He is weathered , his countenance telling the story of a life in the desert . Despite the heat of the day he 's drinking coffee . Lawrence would have considered him a likely candidate if his research didn 't tell him he is looking for someone younger . Besides the old man doesn 't look like he belongs here , only that he 's gotten used to living here . It 's an old style diner setup , so Lawrence can see the cook behind the half wall separating the kitchen from the dining area . Cook would be a wonderful job for who he 's looking for . The heat rising from the stove providing a fix for the cravings while at work . Though nothing compared to the natural heat of the desert it would do while at work . Unfortunately the cook is wearing a sleeveless shirt that 's plastered to his body with sweat . Lawrence 's heart falls . He 's not close enough to the cook to pick up a flow from him , but the fact that he 's sweating tells him all he needs to know . It 's possible his sources were wrong . It 's not easy to track a Bearer . The burden / gift they bear making it too hard to get a fix on them . He 's about to get up , throwing the contents of his glass down his throat , when the kitchen door swings open and a young man steps through . Lawrence puts his cup down and watches him . Something in the way he moves is different . Somehow his movements come off as light , almost bouncy . Even just clearing dishes from tables , his movements are quick , precise . He wears a t - shirt , jeans , and boots , all are cheap , but he still has an air of status . Lawrence notes that he 's not sweating . He looks up , checking for more stray dishes . Lawrence motions him over . " You finished with this , mister ? " Lawrence inhales and catches the scent of aged stone . " Sorry , mister , I 'm just here for the dishes . You 'll want to try Craiper St . around ten tonight . " He grabs a plate , Lawrence grabs his wrist . Sun … Heat … Dry … Sand … Lawrence pulls his hand away , palm red . Perspiration stands out on the young man 's brow now , fear in his eyes . He slides into the booth across from Lawrence . Lawrence pours another glass of water and waits for the boy to say something . " I 'm on break ! " She throws up her hands and goes back into the kitchen . Tito smiles at Lawrence . " Let 's go outside . " Lawrence downs his water and follows him out and around the diner . " I 'm Benjamin Fuller , but everyone calls me , Tito . Now who the hell are you ? " It 's a fair question . If he doesn 't know what he is then he 's probably really freaked out . Lawrence can 't blame him , he 's been there . " Ha , not likely , man . " Tito looks skeptical , very skeptical . There 's at least fifteen years between them . And while Tito isn 't a full blooded Mexican , Lawrence can tell at least one of his parents is , while Lawrence couldn 't be more white without being an albino . It 's hard to believe . " I don 't mean biologically . I mean spiritually . " Tito 's face is instantly serious . " You can feel it , can 't you ? That subtle , tickling at the back of your brain that makes you feel like you know me , even while at your core I unsettle you . " " Yes . " Tito looks so relieved that it breaks Lawrence 's heart . He knows what it 's like to finally have this explained . Lawrence had spent three years in a mental hospital trying to deal by himself . Tito is a strong young man . " Where is there open desert ? " Tito points down an alley . Lawrence starts walking , Tito doesn 't need to be told to follow , he falls into step next to Lawrence careful not to touch him . They come out the other end of the alley seeing open land . For Lawrence it 's as close to nothing as he ever wants to get . Longing fills Tito 's eyes . " I want to share something with you . Watch out there . " Lawrence takes a deep breath and centers himself . The urge to speak has been growing since they stepped out of the diner , the dryness creeping in to all his dark places . Tito 's hands fly up to cover his ears . " Ah ! What the hell ? " FLASH ! BOOM ! The thunder cuts off any further curses . Tito 's gaze is drawn out to the desert , where black storm clouds have formed out of nowhere . The fear is back in his eyes , he retreats till his back hits the wall to the building . " What have you done ? " " I spoke my Word . We 're Word Bearers , Tito . You have your own . Can you feel it ? Deep in core . " Lawrence can see he 's confused . He 's frightened , overwhelmed . FLASHBOOM ! " You can stop this , Tito . Go ahead . Say your Word . I want to hear it . " " I don 't … I 'm not sure . " Confusion and fear war on Tito 's face . Lawrence hopes he won 't run . He didn 't mean to scare the boy . " Of course you 're sure . You 've known it for centuries , you just haven 't spoken it yet . It 's okay . I 'm here with you . " His first step is hesitant , his second is firm , his third is confident . Lawrence realizes he 's holding his breath . Tito looks up at him , he nods . Tito fixes his gaze on the storm . " " There it is . It 's as quiet as Lawrence 's Word is loud , but no less powerful . It 's so beautiful . As Lawrence watches the storm clouds dissipate a tear rolls down his cheek . 2 Dad suffered even from a sight of blood , and he never killed a hen nor slaughtered a pig . But I was aware that once he had donated his blood in the name of my Mum still , because she 'd had a narrow escape on an operating table then . With me a doctor would have my blood tested in a moment : one , two and it 's done . But first they make you ready for rather a time : take a seat , then have a proper finger chosen , though it is always just the one , then they wipe it with spirits until take somewhat sharp like a mini - scalpel . Not everyone can stand the procedure , but I was not against it when a doctor suggested me having my blood tested . She was a likable one , youngish for her age , not married or divorced , probably . And she had no child , I felt it immediately , she had such a look , barren if you want . Possibly for health reasons she could not bear a child or she didn 't find a right man . Or she could have a particular blood group not to have a child with anyone , that 's why she employed at a doctor 's consulting room to make blood tests . And she urged me to have my blood tested . At first I didn 't mind it , the right thing it is , still she didn 't ask my permission . " Just let 's have your blood tested " , she said and left me . She had many things to do I suppose . In doctor 's smocks they walked hither and thither all the time at a clinic there talking over the heads of those waiting , as if one was dead already . And I was still alive and a nurse was preparing to have my blood tested . While she got me ready she was chattering . She said that men were afraid of blood testing nowadays . More and more they refused to do it and ran away sometimes seeing a drop of blood . And one had nothing to fear , there was a couch behind the curtain in a special emergency to lie low , in case one fainted . She pulled the white curtain aside and showed me a couch with dark green leatherette and I shivered all at once : what for they needed my blood ? She suggested me taking off a jacket and rolling up my sleeve , left or right one , I don 't rMy Bio : Mr . Valery Petrovskiy is a journalist and short story writer from Russia . Не is an English Department graduate at Chuvash State University , Cheboksary , graduated in journalism at VKSch Higher School , Moscow and in psychology at Kazan State Technology University . He has been writing prose since 2005 . Some of his writing has been published in The Scrambler , Rusty Typer , BRICKrethoric , NAP Magazine , Literary Burlesque , The Other Room , Curbside Quotidian , DANSE MACABRE , WidowMoon Press , PRIME MINCER , Apocrypha and Abstractions , The Legendary in the USA , and in Australian " Skive " and " Going Down Swinging " magazines . At the moment he is writer - in - residence at Marco Polo Art Mag . It 's dark in here . That 's because I live at the bottom of the jewellery box along with the other outcasts : the tangled necklace with the broken lobster claw and teddy pendant she got for her eleventh birthday , along with the bracelet that 's missing a couple of gem stones . She always says she will have them repaired but never does , preferring to spend the money on more fashionable pieces instead that imitate Asian and Oriental designs . An untrained eye might imagine that they were found by a back - packer on their travels , but they weren 't . They can be bought from any shop on the high - street , and are merely echoes of worlds she 's never seen . Not all of us down here are broken though . I 'm not , and neither is the engagement ring she got from Mark , ( who eventually cheated on her with Shannon from Reception , ) or the belly bar she took out when she put weight on and decided looked too young for her anyway . The ones at the top who get worn more often pity us , ( ' how boring it must be , ' they say to each other in whispers they think we can 't hear , ' being cooped up down there , month in , month out , ' ) but in a way they 're jealous . As I 've said , you could buy them in their hundreds if you wanted to , and they are without sentimental value like the childhood necklace or the belly bar that reminds her of her wild teens and early twenties . They 're easily replaced and she gives them away when they become outdated - or chucks them if even her younger sister and the charity shops say no , thanks . She doesn 't like Mark 's ring or me , so it isn 't often that her fingers dig through the chunky bangles and strings of beads to bring me to the surface . It happens maybe three or four times a year when she has arranged to visit The Matriarch . The ring doesn 't even get a look in . Why Mark wouldn 't let her give it back to him so that he could give it to someone he did love is beyond us ; at least that way it would have been enjoyed . All the same , seeing as I 'm an heirloom and the ring is eighteen carat white goPerhaps you imagine I get bitter when the voices of the favoured ones float above my head , chattering away about their ventures out of the box : days at work , dinners , dates , parties and who was there , who wasn 't there , what she wore … you get the drift . Or worse , maybe you feel sorry for me . I 'd rather you didn 't . Pity the rest but not me . I 'm not so keen on their weight pressing down on me but I don 't mind the dark . In fact I quite like it . It reminds me of home , my real one , from before I met people . As for being bitter , you can rule that out . I 'm a pearl , darling ; it 's not in my nature . You lot have seen me as a symbol of love for thousands of years and I do try to live up to my name by being kind - although I cannot help but wince sometimes at the irony , given that the first person I ever met died . Don 't look at me like that ; it wasn 't my fault . But that 's why she doesn 't like me . All the same , when you 've being kept in a family for over a century you do take an interest in your present owner , even if it 's not reciprocated , so I enjoy listening to the young ones ' gossip . Let them have their fun while they still can . The best they can hope for is a place in a child 's dressing - up box in just a few , short years so they might as well enjoy it . 2 . Memories . I might be old - fashioned and be from a past that she and you would rather forget , but I 'm not like your kind . I will endure and outlive the others , her - even you . And I never forget . My memory doesn 't grow weak with age , it gets stronger . I can still smell what my home was like ; still feel the movements of the person who found me when he panicked and rushed too quickly to the top , and the urgent , grasping hand of the first , but different person to ever touch me , as though I 'd only stopped smelling and feeling them a minute ago . The memories of my owners and the events in their lives play like the films you are so fond of ; the moment when her grandfather proposed to her grandmother , and the christening of her mother , they are a3 . Before she grew up . I suppose you think it strange that her grandmother , ( or The Matriarch as she jokingly calls her , ) skipped a generation and gave me to someone who doesn 't like me , but it never used to be this way . When she was little and used to visit her grandmother she would ask , ( very politely after giving her a peck on the cheek , ) if she could play with her jewellery box . The answer was always yes , and she would very carefully hunt through the diamonds and gold to find me , pin me to her jumper and wear me for the rest of the time she was there . It became something of a ritual , to the point where her grandmother began to pick me out herself and would put me on the coffee table ready for when she arrived . When she was eighteen , The Matriarch had a heart attack , and fearing that she would never leave hospital , insisted on the girl 's mother driving for two hours to get me , so that she could give me to her personally before it was too late . They were very close , and still are in spite of the distance , for she survived against all the odds . Whenever she goes to see her she always comments on how lovely it is , seeing her granddaughter all grown up , wearing her old brooch that 's always been her favourite . And I was for a time . Traditionally I was only worn for a special or significant occasion , but when she was at college I had the strange but enjoyable experience of being put in her pocket and going with her , and if she felt nervous about something her fingers would slide down to stroke me . Normally I hated people manhandling me , but I didn 't mind in her case - it was better than her biting her nails . It was almost as if she thought that having me with her would stop something bad happening - and I have been viewed as ' lucky . ' Stop sniggering , it 's true . In the days of knights and sword - fighting , we would be worn when the rich and noble went into battle because they thought we would protect them from harm , so don 't laugh at her . It felt good , being wanted , and I have to confess I came in danger You don 't like being reminded of your past - those days of glory when Britain ruled half the world . I think that 's why you apologise so much , and give more than you can afford to charities trying to save the poor and starving around the globe . It 's almost as though you 're trying to make up for all the wrongs done before you were born . And I 've tried to avoid talking about it in case you ran away - I get lonely sometimes and it 's nice having someone to talk to . But you can 't run forever , things have to be faced eventually . Some of you may already know and may already be trying to shut out the sound of my words by turning your thoughts to the plans you 've made for the weekend , but there 'll be a lot of you who don 't . There are lots of happy anecdotes from my owners ' lives I could have told you but this is the one you need to hear : My story . We are not like your kind , but there is one thing we have in common : just as you can 't remember coming out of the womb , we don 't know what it was like being a grain of sand or piece of shell squeezing our way inside an oyster and hardening ; all I remember is being . There were no thoughts , for when you live inside a shell there isn 't a great deal to think about - nothing happens . That probably sounds dull to you but there was no sadness , no pain or death . It was peaceful , just being . I didn 't know this at the time but even nothing has to come to an end eventually : the day would always have come when I would be found . It will be hard for you to understand what it was like being taken out of water , hearing sounds , seeing colours and light - all for the first time . On paper it sounds great , this explosion of life , but the reality was frightening - and even fear was something I had never heard of or felt before . Maybe that 's why your newborns usually cry when they come out , because they 're scared and want to go back . I 'm trying to think of ways to describe how it was to you , and the only way I can think of is for you to imagine an ancient Egyptian being placed in the middle of a supermarket . That might give you a better idea , but even that doesn 't come close . I 've learnt a lot since then - ( I 've had to , I didn 't have any other choice - ) but there 's one thing I 've never been able to get my head around , and that is time . Your lives are ruled by clocks and diaries telling you when deadlines or birthdays are due , but when you have so much time whole years , even decades can pass you by . Forgive me then , if I am a little hazy on dates . What I can tell you is that I was brought to the surface in the late 1800s , which makes me special . There aren 't many of us that come from nature now . Most are made by man in bulk on farms . Things changed . You suddenly became concerned about human life and diving equipment got better . Both meant that the world 's poor no were no longer forced to hold their breaths for comments » I knew that someone important was going to walk into my life at 12 : 15 , just after I normally drink tea and prepare for an slow day working on the horoscope . Now , maybe you might not believe me . After all , I am a professional charlatan . But I knew something was up , because for the last two weeks every prediction I have made actually worked out . It started when I saw Mrs Henderson . She was a fat woman , an unpleasant woman , a great client . Like most people who wanted a reading , she didn 't want the truth . And normally I didn 't give it to her . I pulled out the equipment . It was a plain set . It looked like bone china , but was made in china for a very low price . Mrs Henderson looked impressed anyway . She had a lot of money , and not a lot of sense . Anyway , I started reading the information contained in the tea leafs . And then the world went blank . When I returned to the world , Mrs Henderson was gone . I walked out of the shop I had rented , and another of the shopkeepers came up to me . He was normally an quiet , amicable chap . This time he looked like he wanted to throttle me . " She came out of here . Howling and crying , like you 'd tried to kill her . " he put his face up to mine , " You ever do it again and I 'll . . " " I don 't know what you 're talking about , " and I backed away from him . He stalked off . I walked back to my shop , ready to wait for my next appointment . Mrs Abbot didn 't come . She left a nervous message on my answer phone . At the time I didn 't realise why . Because I had no other clients for the day , I went home . My mouth opened wide . It was such a shock , it seemed like I 'd just been told I was about to die . And then . Then I was in my bed , looking at the ceiling . The police officers had gone . But it felt more real than a dream . It must have been a dream . Yeah , that was what it was , I convinced myself . Although I should have known better . In Ireland you can make a full time living as a psychic . less so in England . The English wouldn 't even pay you if you could predict the lottery . So I also work as a pitchman . Which , if you think about it , is just another way to make a dishonest buck . I walked to the nearest boot sale , and set up . It isn 't too crowded in the morning . And everyone is busy . So I crawl in through the hedge . They don 't know that I 'm there against the rules . I set up . My table is old fashioned . A suitcase with legs you fold out . Like the true pitchmen of the 50 's . My pitch is the worm . They wiggle around my hand , like they are alive . The fools in the crowd gave me money . That is what they are for . She had the longest blondest hair this side of fairyland , and her smile lights up the room like a flashlight . And I knew I am meant to talk to her . Just now . She walked off . I had the sense she is in trouble . She was poorer than she used to be , her clothes were expensive , but last years fashion . I had a feeling I will meet her again . When I got there , there was Mrs Henderson and her husband . Their eyes were red . They had been crying . I couldn 't understand what they were there for . I managed to get them to leave . At first I thought that the gossip would help me . But the truth is , no one wants to go to a psychic that tells them the truth . Life is hard enough . You go to a psychic to hear lies . I made some money as a pitchman , so it didn 't affect me too much . But I kept on having bad dreams . I kept on seeing people I knew in them . Not just that , I saw how they died . Their pain . And I started to write down what I saw . In a book by my bedside cabinet . The extra time I had meant I was drinking more too . It was like I 'd been cursed . But the worst was the Christians . They decided that these dreams were inspired by Satan . They set up the picket line in front of my office . I started to think I should simply leave . On Wednesday , the cleaner came in . She was a nosy parker . And no mistake . Her husband had died a few years back , and she was interested in everything . While it 's not the way she put it , she was very interested in the diary . All the details of the different murders and deaths I 'd seen . All the factual details that no one else other than the murderer could know . She took it to the police , and they read it , and they got their warrant . I arrived back at the normal time , and nothing was different . The book was there . I didn 't notice the surveillance cameras . Not at all . They broke in that night . It wasn 't a dream . And I looked up to them bleary eyed , a gun pointing in my face , and swore . They dragged me towards the back of the car , and I noticed someone had decided to give the press warning . So it was very public . Once in , they took me right there . And kitted me out in fetching jail clothing , since I was still in pyjamas . This was the first time I was in jail , and I can tell you it is not as bad as some people say . There is an odd vinegar smell , hiding other bodily fluids . And it is never quiet . There is always shouting going on , and doors slammed . But it was no worse than some hotels I 've been in while performing . I looked across at my lawyer . Short , thin , balding and bored . The police officer had my diary in front of him . He picked it up . " In it , you 've got the details of dozens of murders . Information the police hasn 't released to the public . Information . . . dare I say it , in some cases that the police didn 't even know themselves . " And that was it . That was the full content of the interview . I was hustled off into the cell , and ended up waiting for days . In telephone conversations with friends , I knew the police were digging up my life . I was given a notebook , and a pen , and I continued to write down my dreams . I thought I might as well . The police would search my cell every now and again , and confiscate them . They even moved me to solitary . Made sure no one could be feeding me this information . Or , presumably , that I wasn 't ordering the killings . But the dreams continued . They were getting worse and worse . Every morning I woke up feeling like I had not slept . I guess at least things looked up , because they took me from prison . They drove me along country lanes , towards a building . I can 't tell you precisely where it was . It just looked like an old school to be honest . You 'd never have guessed it was an intelligence headquarters . They bundled me out into an empty building . You 've heard of the secret prisons . Well , they are true . They dressed me up in a uniform , tagged my ankle , and locked me in a cage . The only thing they gave me was some paper and a pen to write down my dreams . Sometimes people came to research me . They put me in scanners , and gave me all kinds of medical tests . The results were unsurprising . I was just a normal , healthy individual . And that was how it seemed I was destined to live for the rest of my life . Until I started to hear the voices . They were low . Just like someone was talking in the next room . Distant . And I couldn 't make them out . That night I was tossing and turning , and I heard someone shout out my name . I woke up . No one was there . Then I tried to get asleep again , and managed it . But the voice was insistent . Nothing answered me . The guards walked past my cell . But with the dreams and the voices , I was getting no sleep . It started to affect me so badly I would not even eat food . Within a few days I was exhausted . Mentally and physically drained . And I guess that is what the creatures wanted . Because soon they broke through . It 's hard to tell you how it felt . But if you have ever had a moment of shock , when you suddenly feel like you aren 't there , you 'll know . He said his name . And then the voice faded away . But I knew I had to do precisely what he told me . I 'd go mad otherwise . Maybe I was already mad . The opportunity came sooner than I expected . My handlers were getting anxious . I was producing less predictions than normal , and the federal conviction rate was plummeting through the floor . The handlers looked like model citizens . Dark suits , a man and a woman dressed formally , like they were lawyers . They flashed their badge to me . I don 't know why , the fact I was in a prison gave them away . The police officer fell back . You could see him working it through in his mind . Despite the success of my predictions , he settled on the conclusion I was mad . After all , psychic phenomena were impossible . He 'd read that once . I shook my head . But that night , I was thinking about it , and decided that I had to ask . Had to have a conversation , if only for my sanity . When the voices started up , I leaned forward in my bed . I asked the question again . But he would say nothing of use to me . he would only repeatedly ask me to find his killers . Not very useful . Eventually , I managed to coax his name from him . Nigel . Not a very good name for a joke . That was the strange thing . No murder victims of that name came up . Not any time soon . But a week later , a Nigel disappeared . And I realised the truth . I looked through the court reports . He had been killed by stabbing . They wouldn 't let me out of the jail . So all I could do was read the files they brought on him . And I got the feeling that many of the details had been redacted . it was like looking for a haystack in an elephant : messy and not very satisfactory . There were only two people I decided who could have done it . They both had a great deal to gain . At the end of the day , though , there is a limit to what you can do from inside a jail cell . The guards looked sceptically at me when I asked for it . But I was responsible for half the murder arrests in the district for the last six months . So they eventually gave me what I wanted . Especially when I refused to furnish them with any more information . I don 't know if you have ever been to a proper séance . Well , to be honest , most of the time the knocks are from the medium . But this time it was different . Within moments of the séance starting , I was aware that the room was colder . Then the entire board lifted off the table , and flew towards me . It hit the wall a few inches from my face . The room warmed up again . The presence was gone . For a little while . " I didn 't " I replied . I knew that he didn 't believe me . But he would have to show more senior people . And I knew they couldn 't afford to risk me . I went back to bed . For the first time in weeks , I had no bad dreams . I guess Nigel knew I understood his message . I slept very soundly . Until the next morning . But my guards didn 't really understand . Or they did not want to understand . My handler met me in the interview room the next morning . He looked tired . Besides him sat a man I hadn 't seen before . He wore the cleanest , most expensive suit I had seen during my stay at the states pleasure . The man stood up . He walked out of the room . Measured , and without menace . But he didn 't seem to be a man used to dealing with no . My handler shook his head . He didn 't need to tell me the consequences . All of a sudden , I was put on suicide watch . Woken up every thirty minutes to see if I wasn 't dead yet . The heating in my cell surprisingly broke . I knew I was in their hands totally . But I never realised what it was like to displease them . You see , Nigel might be a ghost , but that doesn 't mean he is stupid . He can see what is happening . He knows they are stopping me doing what he wants . And this gets him angry . They first times he acted , it looked like coincidence . The guards chair would tilt under him , depositing him on the floor . Or cups of coffee were not placed firmly enough on the table . The guards were spooked by me . They knew that I was able to see things they could not . But although the guards face became pale , his hand on the trigger was steady and firm . It was too late . The chair slammed into the guard . He dropped to the floor . Then I saw the guards keys float from his pocket . My cell door was unlocked . I walked over to the guard , stripped his clothes off , and changed into his uniform . I thought I didn 't have much of a choice . If I didn 't do what Nigel wanted he would kill me . Every door I came to slid open without me doing anything . It would have been creepy if I didn 't know what was happening . Soon the alarms started to ring out . People would be grabbing their guns , getting ready to shoot me . I could feel my heart trying to escape from my chest . I soon arrived at fire exit . It opened in front of me . I climbed down some steps . Below me , I could see coppers swarming . I continued to walk down . One of the coppers recognised me . I ran in the opposite direction . He took aim , and I could hear the gun explode behind me . But the bullet didn 't pierce my skin like I expected . Instead , it ended in the ground . I reached a police car , and the engine came on without anyone doing anything . Then I went into a store and bought black trousers and a white shirt . Got changed . And walked out of the shopping centre , expecting to be caught at any time . In my pocket there was five hundred dollars . That was all I had in the world , except for an insane ghost . I decided it was time to go to the library . After chatting to the librarian for a few seconds , she walked me over to a computer which had copies of the local papers for the last twenty years . I typed a search . At first I found nothing , but as I expanded the search back I found him . According to the interview , he was found murdered in his bed . He had been asleep . His wife had been charged and convicted of his murder . But she said she was innocent . Nothing came in response . I knew that would happen . It was too much to hope for . It was getting late at night . The librarian was fussing near me . It was time to go . When you are a fugitive , it isn 't as simple to find a place to stay as booking a room in a hotel . I walked round , looking for an empty house . It took me an hour . Occasionally a police car would go past . It made me nervous . At one time it would have been a posh bungalow . But whoever had owned it had been taken to a care home , and it was covered in weeds and neglect . I walked up to the door , and it swings open . That is one of the advantages of your own private poltergeist . Inside it was a mess . But dry and water proof . There was a wood burning stove in one room . The power was off , and Nigel didn 't turn it on . But the water was only off at the mains . It was easy enough to get it working again . In the morning I would have to start the process of searching for Nigel Slater . I knew roughly where he lived . I fell asleep , and woke up hungry and cramped . Outside , I could hear rustling . I peeked through the window , and could see a man dressed only in black . He looked like he was not very friendly . I ducked down , but he must have seen me . He edged towards the door . It was locked , but he slammed it open . I hid behind the sofa . it didn 't help . He walked towards me . I noticed he had a poker in his hand . There was no way he wouldn 't find me . I stood up . I looked over at him . He had a long scar down his face . it seemed like he was used to trouble . And he was straining to start a fight . I did what he said . He followed me . I thought he might hit me at any second . or recognise me . They must have put my picture out into the news by now . I sighed with relief , but knew that my location might be passed onto the police . I decided it was time to get out of the town . I caught a bus , and tried to hide my face . Since I hadn 't had a bath for a few days it was easier than you might think . People did not want to look me in the eyes . I arrived at Nigel 's house six hours latter . It was a solemn house . A plane front garden laid to grass , brick frontage , and white windows . It didn 't look like anyone had ever cared for it . It looked like it was a place to sleep and not to stay . It took me a few minutes to settle down , and watch the street . There was nothing extraordinary about it . A few people walked past , taking little interest in the stranger . After watching for half an hour , I knew there was little information here for me . Talking round the local shops I found out that Nigel had been a quiet man . Few people knew him , past his saying hello . he didn 't seem to have been involved in anything wrong . or indeed in anything at all . I decided that there could only really have been one source of trouble . He must have found out something at work . Something that made him worth more to someone dead than alive . I got some annual reports from his company and studied them . Amazing what is available on the internet these days . There was little of interest . I applied to work at Nigel 's company as a cleaner . it was a big risk . I supplied false references , and knew they would not check them for months . That 's the thing about cleaners . No one takes any notice . So I got the job , and examined the work place thoroughly . It looked like an office . The computers were always on . Once or twice I looked over the shoulder of someone working but it was all gobbledygook to me . To make it worse , I saw my face on the newspaper when I went for food . Sure , I looked a lot different now . I had grown longer hair , a beard , and was thinner . But it was still me . I grew suspicious of other people . Then came my big break . Several people were working in the office late . I overhead them speaking about a billion dollar deal . The company was getting bought out . I checked the internet , and there was something in the trade section . The routine was the same every day . But one of my colleagues had not turned up to work . So I was asked to clean the main office . I did so . But I did more than that , I broke into the file cabinets , and started reading company secrets . But that didn 't save me for long . The next day I arrived at work a few minutes earlier . Something told me that things were wrong . The security guard on the gate was new . He told me to go out to the bosses office . I walked into a small lab , and looked around . There was a window , and I tried to open it . In the distance I could see five police cars . The window wouldn 't open . There was only one way out . And I knew that by now , there would be police officers between me and the door . I looked round to find a chair . Then used it to break the window . The alarm went , and I slid through the empty hole . But I caught my shoulder on a shard of glass . I was bleeding . The police gave up their pretence . Dozens of sirens started up , heading towards the building . I ran through a green space . I knew that there was only one way out of the compound except the front gate . A hole in the fence I had noticed a few days earlier . But over head their was a helicopter . Although I ran like the wind , it wasn 't enough . I could hear the police men getting closer and closer . I turned around and saw two police officers . They both had guns pointed at me . I raised my hands , and they soon had me on the ground . I arrived at my destination a few hours latter . This time they were taking no chances . I arrived at a super maximum prison . Surrounded by barbed wire , dogs , and armed police officers it was obvious I 'd never get out . The next day the interrogation began . Again and Again . Asking me where I had gone . What I had done . I eventually broke down and told them everything . But that didn 't stop them continuing . Maybe what they were doing was no crime . But it was a form of torture . Eventually , the interrogations stopped . They gave me paper . They wanted to go back to how it used to be . But by that time I had got so angry , even when I did have a dream I kept it to myself . I wasn 't there . So all I can do is repeat the report that was made to me . No guarantee it is what happened . Apparently the director of the FBI had been having an extramarital affair . He was in bed that normal , and engaging in exercise at the same time . This was not expected , but what was even more unexpected was the windows opening wide . And the explosions of a gun . The director of the FBI 's gun . But I do know that it made the national news . The assistant director of the FBI resigned . And , to be frank , most of the people in the FBI did not care much about that . But it was fair warning . He didn 't seem to be exactly happy about what had happened . In fact , he stormed in to the visiting room , and let loose a barrage of swear words . I sat there passively , listening to him . When he calmed down sufficiently , he sat down . " Nigel was right . All he wants is his murderer found . But he isn 't going to stop . Not until that is done . Not even if he has to kill someone else to do it . " " No . I am not . Nigel is a threat to you . If you stand in the way , that is . He is a ghost . What can you do to get rid of him ? " The director of the FBI thought for a few seconds . An hour latter , a priest turned up with bell , book and candle . it didn 't work spectacularly . The power went off , the candle blew out , the bell rang , and the book was thrown across the room . The director gestured to the mirror and two toughs walked in . They carried some rope . They tied me to the chair , and lifted a cosh over their heads . Then all hell broke lose . The cosh swung back by itself . it raised into the air , and came down , laying out one of the thugs . The other caught me a glancing blow , but something unseen lifted him from the floor and threw him against the wall . " You have a choice . Director . Help find Nigel 's killer . Or , I think , Nigel will chase you down and gut you like a fish . " Eventually the Director settled down again . He sat in his chair , silently looking at me . I wasn 't a pretty picture . Thin , and in prison coveralls . I must have looked like a real criminal . They let me go that afternoon . Put me in a suit , and told me I was seconded to the FBI . I was even given my own agent . He was tall , thin , and looked every inch the government man . The agent shook his head . He gave nothing away . That was when I knew he wasn 't sent to help me . Just to keep an eye out on me . Nevertheless , I decided that I could use him . Like he wanted to use me . I looked over to him , and told him to get a warrant . We were going to search Nigel 's company . And read every damn bit of paper they had about Sigma . When we arrived at the door , they had their lawyer sorted out already . Someone must have leaked it . He looked like he had cost a lot of money . " I 'm afraid we have the right not to incriminate ourselves . We are asserting that right . Both as a company , and as individuals . So , no , you can ask any questions but we will not answer them . " I was surprised when I found the clue . It was something no one else would have noticed . A single envelope in the bin . It contained an address . I think Nigel must have been helping me . I was drawn to it . But the thing I noticed was the fact the address had a Sigma stamp . Once we were out of the building , I decided to break away from the FBI agent . I knew some things would work better on my own . it was easier said than done . When I tried to go for a walk that night , he insisted on staying right by me . Getting to the address was difficult . I didn 't have a car , I had to take the bus . Most of the journey there wasn 't even that . And it had began to rain . I must have looked odd , walking around town that late at night , soaked . In fact , I surprised no copper stopped me . " Good enough , " I said . Knowing I was lying as I said it . It wasn 't like it was my strong point . The expression on the coppers face showed he thought not either . He stood there behind me his mouth opened , as I shimmied the lock . it opened . I walked in . This was a mistake , I didn 't notice the small CCTV camera , the camera that was hidden in a plug socket . But it was sending my picture right up to the security office . I worked quickly , going up the stairs to the office . I don 't know what I had expected to see . But what I did see looked just like any other office . Even down to the half drunk cup of coffee . I woke up in the boot of a car . I could feel the engine running , and smell burning petrol . It was pick black . The car started off , bumping along the ground . Hitting me from side to side . My hands were tied behind my back . It was lucky I knew a little magic . I got the knot loose without much effort . Then I grovelled around the car to find something , anything that could help me . There was a wrench , which I picked up . I put the rope around my wrists , hiding the fact I was loose . And put the wrench in my pocket . The boot of the car swung open . One of the security guards lifted me out of the boot . He was covered in muscle . My mouth opened wide . That was the last thing I expected to hear . They marched me along the ground and I saw him for the first time . Nigel . Alive . Then the room went strange . Something turned the lights off , and opened the windows . It even raised a chair off the ground . The security guard looked worried for the first time . " For the last month , I have been searching for the person who killed Nigel Slater . You , sir , are Nigel Slater . But it seems your ghost hasn 't got the information you are alive . " But it didn 't work . By the time that the ambulance arrived , Nigel was in a deep coma . It took only a short time after that until the first homicide detective got there . But the truth is , it was fate . No ones fault . Except the murderer . After all , how can Nigel Slater 's ghost come into my dreams unless he is actually killed ? What happened next surprised me . The cops arrested me . Told me I was being held on suspicion of murder . I told them not to be idiots , but they wrote it in their notebooks and not their minds . By that point the clues would be getting stale , so I drove right to the company . But they wouldn 't let me in . it was a police investigation , they said . No dice . I called the FBI agent and asked him to run the full scan on Slater . By the time he had finished I would know every single family member . And all I had to do was interview them . The only clue left to me was Sigma . The company was closed for a few hours , but the managing director wasn 't . Again the FBI came to my rescue . They had the address , and I wasn 't afraid to use it . We walked up the garden path . It wasn 't the most luxurious house that a managing director had ever lived at . But I knocked on the door anyway . I walked in . Behold , the group was all there . The director of the FBI himself . The attorney general . And a four star general . I could feel the back of my assistant straightening up . The Managing Director pressed a button on the TV . It switched on . Nigel Slater 's office . I saw him pick up his glass . Put the chemicals in it . The MD fast forwarded . Nigel killed himself . " Oil . We got him to produce computer models . All the oil reserves . He was so great . . . well , he could produce a program that told us exactly where oil was , just from satellite images . " Just at that moment a dozen armed guards came into the room . Their guns were pointed right at me . I raised my hands , and was soon plunged into the carpet . They searched me . Didn 't find anything interesting . " Yeah . But I don 't think you did it . I don 't think you were that smart . But I don 't know what this being who calls himself Nigel Slater is , " I didn 't struggle . By now , them putting handcuffs on me was almost routine . I just wish I had been able to continue my life as a charlatan . I didn 't know what to say to that . it was true . it was obvious when you think about it . Nigel had told me he was murdered when he was still alive . but no one ever said the soul was bound to the arrow of time . Within a few minutes we had picked up an escort . From what I could tell , they had closed the road down . Only we were travelling that evening . I gulped . It looked like things were just about to head for the worse . The trip to the Whitehouse was the most fraught I had experienced in my life . The director of the FBI was reading faxes and emails in the car . His face was getting more and more pale . " I guess like the English did in WWII . With disinformation . We need to get an Chinese agent and feed him bad info . And I guess Nigel might be your best hope for that . " I guess the FBI director caught on quickly . Because he could go anywhere , Nigel could listen to the Chinese chatter . He could find Chinese agents . Maybe he didn 't know Chinese , but he knew enough to listen in to the English language conversations . It wasn 't a new concept . The CIA had investigated it in the sixties . But they didn 't have a real life ghost , so their experiments failed . This time we had a real ghost . I asked them to pick out the Ouija board again . The séance room was a sight you had never seen in your life . The president and the director of the FBI holding hands , in a dark room . The president of the united states shook his head . You could tell he couldn 't believe what he was seeing . He got up from his seat , and you could almost hear his bones cracking . Over in the corner of the room I could see a computer with satellite images . I could watch the Chinese fleet mobilising in real time . The number of dots that represented aircraft carriers alone was scary . " It will only be a few days before we have to mobilise our own navy . " The wait was excruciating . But suddenly five hours latter , the board started spelling out a name . The FBI director went to work . Within minutes they had the file out . He didn 't look like what you would expect of a Chinese agent . He had long , blonde hair , was dressed in a respectable suit , and had a respectable job . He worked in the old navy base . His job was to work on the files , reading sensitive military information . Including information about resource allocation . Once they checked his bank account the truth became obvious . The FBI director stood up , and paced down the long thin corridor . Then he arrived back in the meeting room with a young woman . She was dressed in military uniform . He explained the plan . It was simple . The Chinese agent needed to think it had all been a hoax . But for that to work , he would have to eat a pack of lies . I wasn 't there , so I can report only what I have been told . The female agent I had been introduced to worked in the old navy headquarters . She worked in the files there . It is a room full of top secret papers . Room might be the wrong word ; it was the size of an aircraft hanger . She worked there , and had spent months being bored . So naturally , she had struck up a conversation with the handsome blonde military attaché . And , the conversation was reciprocated . The director of the FBI looked at her . She didn 't look like much to put the freedom of the world onto . But she was eager . And after being told what to do , she didn 't complain . She saluted . I stood at the back of the room , watching the Director of the FBI feeling out the officer , and knew I would have to talk to Nigel alone . I didn 't trust her . She looked too good to be true with her starched uniform and willing smile . The new agent went into a staff car , to be driven to the headquarters . She looked very lonely in the back of the car . Meanwhile , we walked to the operations room . There was a banks of monitors the length of the room . We could see satellite images of the build up of the Chinese fleet , as well as real time updates of our spies . I nodded . Then looked back over to the screens . I could see our agent depositing the papers in her draw . She phoned up the Chinese agent , and set up dinner . It looked like a glorious feast . Roast duck , with all the trimmings . The doorbell went . She walked over to it , and opened it . She said something , and the Chinese agent walked into the room . After ten minutes of conversation , she walked away . To go to the toilet . He walked over to the draws , and started rummaging . After a few minutes he found the file our agent had left . He took out the smallest camera you have ever seen , and clicked the image . After that , he put the files away . After he left , the confirmation came thick and fast . The Chinese fleet disbanded . It was amazing to see , but they split up within a matter of hours . Soon the sea around Taiwan was empty except for commercial shipping . I guess that if this had been a story that would be it . I would have been given a party , a celebration , and been allowed to leave . After all , I had saved the day . Well , Nigel did leave . I haven 't heard from him since . After they had finished celebrating , a guard collected me , and drove me in a prison van to here . It is a cold concrete cell . I am allowed a TV , and to write carefully vetted letters . I 'm not sure how I will post this , my story . Maybe I will write it under the postage stamp . I guess for an old crook like me , it is fair . But I wish I had been sent to jail for something I did . And not for some trumped up terrorist charge . Currently we only offer payment for one story selected as the feature story in the monthly pdf magazine only . The successful author will be contacted to organise payment via paypal for a $ 5AUD payment . 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The ship swayed and creaked . He feels every bit of it in his body . Taking no chances the crew , damnedable pirates , have chained him with no give . Legs bound in a kneeling position , arms chained to either wall crucifying him to the ship like a perverse figurehead , he 's been their captive long enough to have forgotten the feel of kindness . It is a small blessing that their fear of him keeps his gag in place at all times . It keeps them from coming anywhere near him . The captain learned a long time ago that he gleans all he needs to live from the moisture in the air , the brine in his eyes . During storms , when he is strongest , the captain posts guards with him . They don 't look at him . A terrible hope fills him today . By the movement of the ship and the crew 's curses , he knows that they 're being pursued by another ship . This ship is a runner , fast . There 'd be little concern of capture if the ship did not gain its quickness from being light , gain its lightness from having little room for armaments or supplies . The pursuers have had them going for a week now and they 'd been out of port for at least a month . He knows from the panic in the crew that the food is all but gone . Soon they 'll be too weak to load what small guns are aboard . He 'd be surprised if they could remember how to sight the cannons it 's been so long since the captain has ordered them used . His hope stems from the pirates ' desperation . If they succumb to practicality then they 'll come for him . With frightened hearts and shaking hands , they 'll undo his chains and he 'll get to spend some time under the sky instead of under foot . So he waits for their desperation to bloom practicality . It does not take long . The first mate comes with three guards and the keys . It is always the first mate that comes to get him . The captain coming himself would make him a person that the captain fears , he wouldn 't last long once that got out among the crew . The first mate is the only one he trusts with the keys to his chains . " The captain wants to see you . " He speaks with a unique accent that comes with the ship 's pidgin of French , Spanish , and Greek . His ears hear the gibberish , but his mind provides him with the meaning . Slowly , they unchain his arms from the ship and secure them behind his back . The guards are afraid to touch him , unsure whether he 'll break or they 'll be infected with something . It strikes him as odd how religious some of these men are . Coming onto the deck , sea spray hits him in the face , covers his bare chest . He instantly feels more alive . He stands taller , muscles flex , the chains bite into his skin . They take him to the captain , standing at the aft of the ship . He stands beside the captain looking out at the wide ocean , the only thing marring their perfect view of the horizon the pursuers . The first mate and guards fold themselves into the three other men standing around them . The captain just stands there for a few minutes , ignoring him . This too is done to show the crew he will do this in his own time , to show that the man he keeps below decks does not frighten him . Around the gag , behind the locked mouth plate , he smiles . Only he and the captain know what he is , and he knows that the captain is frightened of that . " I have use of you . " From under his coat he draws out the key that only he is allowed to keep . He inserts into lock for the face plate . " If you hurt this ship my men will stab you and you will die before you can swim for freedom . Like always , yeah ? " He nods . It 's always the same threat . It vaguely occurs to him that this is only a half life . But then , the spirits would kill for half a life . The plate falls away and he spits the wooden wedge from his mouth . His tongue sticks out , tasting the salt in the air . He flexes his jaw , taking in the blue sky , the white clouds , the gentle waves . He smiles at the captain . Other than the crew 's swords there is very little compelling him . Finally , the captain 's annoyance at the delay shows on his face . He focuses on ship on the horizon . He tries not to think of the men on the ship . He knows he will have to answer for his actions one day , but he 's trying to postpone that day for as long as possible . " I 'm fine . Sorry . " The cabby 's eyes dart from the road to the rearview mirror and back . " I 'm good . I 'm okay . " The cabby 's eyes return to the road and stay there , Lawrence was prepared to keep reassuring him for the rest of the drive as long as he didn 't take his eyes off the road . " That jetlag 's a bitch , isn 't it ? " " Yeah , jetlag . " He doesn 't really feel like talking so he looks out the window . What he sees unsettles him so much that he almost closes his eyes again . Outside the cab desert stretched on for miles . When he 'd met the cabby at the airport he 'd been fine . They 'd been in the middle of a city . He preferred the buildings and people to the endless dry expanse . He tried to think of it as a sea of earth but it just made him queasy . He can 't help it , he closes his eyes . " We 're almost there , " the cabby rouses him . " If I 'd of known I wouldn 't have let you sleep at all . You wouldn 't believe how many people fall asleep in my cab from the airport . " The cabby keeps up a steady stream of chitchat for the next few minutes . Lawrence doesn 't say much , but he 's glad for the distraction . " Here we go , buddy . " He pulls up in front of an independent diner . Lawrence can tell the sign was made with care when it was painted , years in the desert sun has faded it badly . " They got good food here ? " " I don 't know . This is my first time here . " He pays the fare and steps out of the air - conditioned interior . His lips are immediately dry and cracked . The heat cuts him to the core as fast as it dried his lips , the urge to speak rises in him . He needs to escape this heat , he 's drowning in dryness . He rushes inside hoping that they 'll have air - conditioning . No such luck . The interior of the restaurant is as faded as the exterior . He seats himself , impatiently tapping his foot waiting for the waitress . He can hear the sound of the wind . Not the dry , lifeless wind of the desert , but the damp , alive wind of the storm . It 's calling to him , begging him to call out . He licks his lips with a tongue he can barely feel . He can 't help himself , the desert is antithesis for him . Why had he decided to come here ? To satisfy some adolescent curiosity ? He takes one long , shuttering breath . " The special , two of them , just bring me a pitcher of water . " His throat feels so dry . He has to speak now before he loses his chance . " Hmph ! " With blurry vision he watches her flounce back to the kitchen . He grabs the edge of the table to steady himself . He 's clenching his jaw by the time she comes back with a glass for him . He swallows half of it . The cool liquid fills him , calming him . Vision clears , hands stop shaking , the urge lessening . The torrent of wind in his ears shifts to a gentle breeze . How close had he come ? The waitress turns to leave again , he grabs her arm . " Can I get you anything else ? " She says it in such a way that makes Lawrence wonder if it 's actually a question . She tired of him he can tell . She 's too used to bullying the locals . He doesn 't trying to be nice to her , he just takes out a fifty and lays it on the table . " This is your tip if you keep bringing me pitchers of water . " Her eyes gleam slightly as she stares at the bill on the table . Slowly she puts the pitcher on the table . " Thank you . " He drains the rest of his glass and pours another . He finishes this one in three huge gulps . He doesn 't feel as trapped now , his breathing has evened out . He fills the glass a third time , finishing off the pitcher , but only sips this one . A couple minutes pass , the waitress brings his two specials and another pitcher . Lawrence only picks at his food . Between the desert and the age of the equipment in the diner the food is completely dry . Mainly he just cuts up the food and moves it around on his plate . Mainly he watches the people in the restaurant . He immediately discounts his waitress . Seeing her move around the diner , speaking with her , she 's spent most of her life trying to get away from this place . It 's a pity that she 'd never really feel like she belongs anywhere . An old man sits in another booth . He is weathered , his countenance telling the story of a life in the desert . Despite the heat of the day he 's drinking coffee . Lawrence would have considered him a likely candidate if his research didn 't tell him he is looking for someone younger . Besides the old man doesn 't look like he belongs here , only that he 's gotten used to living here . It 's an old style diner setup , so Lawrence can see the cook behind the half wall separating the kitchen from the dining area . Cook would be a wonderful job for who he 's looking for . The heat rising from the stove providing a fix for the cravings while at work . Though nothing compared to the natural heat of the desert it would do while at work . Unfortunately the cook is wearing a sleeveless shirt that 's plastered to his body with sweat . Lawrence 's heart falls . He 's not close enough to the cook to pick up a flow from him , but the fact that he 's sweating tells him all he needs to know . It 's possible his sources were wrong . It 's not easy to track a Bearer . The burden / gift they bear making it too hard to get a fix on them . He 's about to get up , throwing the contents of his glass down his throat , when the kitchen door swings open and a young man steps through . Lawrence puts his cup down and watches him . Something in the way he moves is different . Somehow his movements come off as light , almost bouncy . Even just clearing dishes from tables , his movements are quick , precise . He wears a t - shirt , jeans , and boots , all are cheap , but he still has an air of status . Lawrence notes that he 's not sweating . He looks up , checking for more stray dishes . Lawrence motions him over . " You finished with this , mister ? " Lawrence inhales and catches the scent of aged stone . " Sorry , mister , I 'm just here for the dishes . You 'll want to try Craiper St . around ten tonight . " He grabs a plate , Lawrence grabs his wrist . Sun … Heat … Dry … Sand … Lawrence pulls his hand away , palm red . Perspiration stands out on the young man 's brow now , fear in his eyes . He slides into the booth across from Lawrence . Lawrence pours another glass of water and waits for the boy to say something . " I 'm on break ! " She throws up her hands and goes back into the kitchen . Tito smiles at Lawrence . " Let 's go outside . " Lawrence downs his water and follows him out and around the diner . " I 'm Benjamin Fuller , but everyone calls me , Tito . Now who the hell are you ? " It 's a fair question . If he doesn 't know what he is then he 's probably really freaked out . Lawrence can 't blame him , he 's been there . " Ha , not likely , man . " Tito looks skeptical , very skeptical . There 's at least fifteen years between them . And while Tito isn 't a full blooded Mexican , Lawrence can tell at least one of his parents is , while Lawrence couldn 't be more white without being an albino . It 's hard to believe . " I don 't mean biologically . I mean spiritually . " Tito 's face is instantly serious . " You can feel it , can 't you ? That subtle , tickling at the back of your brain that makes you feel like you know me , even while at your core I unsettle you . " " Yes . " Tito looks so relieved that it breaks Lawrence 's heart . He knows what it 's like to finally have this explained . Lawrence had spent three years in a mental hospital trying to deal by himself . Tito is a strong young man . " Where is there open desert ? " Tito points down an alley . Lawrence starts walking , Tito doesn 't need to be told to follow , he falls into step next to Lawrence careful not to touch him . They come out the other end of the alley seeing open land . For Lawrence it 's as close to nothing as he ever wants to get . Longing fills Tito 's eyes . " I want to share something with you . Watch out there . " Lawrence takes a deep breath and centers himself . The urge to speak has been growing since they stepped out of the diner , the dryness creeping in to all his dark places . Tito 's hands fly up to cover his ears . " Ah ! What the hell ? " FLASH ! BOOM ! The thunder cuts off any further curses . Tito 's gaze is drawn out to the desert , where black storm clouds have formed out of nowhere . The fear is back in his eyes , he retreats till his back hits the wall to the building . " What have you done ? " " I spoke my Word . We 're Word Bearers , Tito . You have your own . Can you feel it ? Deep in core . " Lawrence can see he 's confused . He 's frightened , overwhelmed . FLASHBOOM ! " You can stop this , Tito . Go ahead . Say your Word . I want to hear it . " " I don 't … I 'm not sure . " Confusion and fear war on Tito 's face . Lawrence hopes he won 't run . He didn 't mean to scare the boy . " Of course you 're sure . You 've known it for centuries , you just haven 't spoken it yet . It 's okay . I 'm here with you . " His first step is hesitant , his second is firm , his third is confident . Lawrence realizes he 's holding his breath . Tito looks up at him , he nods . Tito fixes his gaze on the storm . " " There it is . It 's as quiet as Lawrence 's Word is loud , but no less powerful . It 's so beautiful . As Lawrence watches the storm clouds dissipate a tear rolls down his cheek . 2 Dad suffered even from a sight of blood , and he never killed a hen nor slaughtered a pig . But I was aware that once he had donated his blood in the name of my Mum still , because she 'd had a narrow escape on an operating table then . With me a doctor would have my blood tested in a moment : one , two and it 's done . But first they make you ready for rather a time : take a seat , then have a proper finger chosen , though it is always just the one , then they wipe it with spirits until take somewhat sharp like a mini - scalpel . Not everyone can stand the procedure , but I was not against it when a doctor suggested me having my blood tested . She was a likable one , youngish for her age , not married or divorced , probably . And she had no child , I felt it immediately , she had such a look , barren if you want . Possibly for health reasons she could not bear a child or she didn 't find a right man . Or she could have a particular blood group not to have a child with anyone , that 's why she employed at a doctor 's consulting room to make blood tests . And she urged me to have my blood tested . At first I didn 't mind it , the right thing it is , still she didn 't ask my permission . " Just let 's have your blood tested " , she said and left me . She had many things to do I suppose . In doctor 's smocks they walked hither and thither all the time at a clinic there talking over the heads of those waiting , as if one was dead already . And I was still alive and a nurse was preparing to have my blood tested . While she got me ready she was chattering . She said that men were afraid of blood testing nowadays . More and more they refused to do it and ran away sometimes seeing a drop of blood . And one had nothing to fear , there was a couch behind the curtain in a special emergency to lie low , in case one fainted . She pulled the white curtain aside and showed me a couch with dark green leatherette and I shivered all at once : what for they needed my blood ? She suggested me taking off a jacket and rolling up my sleeve , left or right one , I don 't rMy Bio : Mr . Valery Petrovskiy is a journalist and short story writer from Russia . Не is an English Department graduate at Chuvash State University , Cheboksary , graduated in journalism at VKSch Higher School , Moscow and in psychology at Kazan State Technology University . He has been writing prose since 2005 . Some of his writing has been published in The Scrambler , Rusty Typer , BRICKrethoric , NAP Magazine , Literary Burlesque , The Other Room , Curbside Quotidian , DANSE MACABRE , WidowMoon Press , PRIME MINCER , Apocrypha and Abstractions , The Legendary in the USA , and in Australian " Skive " and " Going Down Swinging " magazines . At the moment he is writer - in - residence at Marco Polo Art Mag . It 's dark in here . That 's because I live at the bottom of the jewellery box along with the other outcasts : the tangled necklace with the broken lobster claw and teddy pendant she got for her eleventh birthday , along with the bracelet that 's missing a couple of gem stones . She always says she will have them repaired but never does , preferring to spend the money on more fashionable pieces instead that imitate Asian and Oriental designs . An untrained eye might imagine that they were found by a back - packer on their travels , but they weren 't . They can be bought from any shop on the high - street , and are merely echoes of worlds she 's never seen . Not all of us down here are broken though . I 'm not , and neither is the engagement ring she got from Mark , ( who eventually cheated on her with Shannon from Reception , ) or the belly bar she took out when she put weight on and decided looked too young for her anyway . The ones at the top who get worn more often pity us , ( ' how boring it must be , ' they say to each other in whispers they think we can 't hear , ' being cooped up down there , month in , month out , ' ) but in a way they 're jealous . As I 've said , you could buy them in their hundreds if you wanted to , and they are without sentimental value like the childhood necklace or the belly bar that reminds her of her wild teens and early twenties . They 're easily replaced and she gives them away when they become outdated - or chucks them if even her younger sister and the charity shops say no , thanks . She doesn 't like Mark 's ring or me , so it isn 't often that her fingers dig through the chunky bangles and strings of beads to bring me to the surface . It happens maybe three or four times a year when she has arranged to visit The Matriarch . The ring doesn 't even get a look in . Why Mark wouldn 't let her give it back to him so that he could give it to someone he did love is beyond us ; at least that way it would have been enjoyed . All the same , seeing as I 'm an heirloom and the ring is eighteen carat white goPerhaps you imagine I get bitter when the voices of the favoured ones float above my head , chattering away about their ventures out of the box : days at work , dinners , dates , parties and who was there , who wasn 't there , what she wore … you get the drift . Or worse , maybe you feel sorry for me . I 'd rather you didn 't . Pity the rest but not me . I 'm not so keen on their weight pressing down on me but I don 't mind the dark . In fact I quite like it . It reminds me of home , my real one , from before I met people . As for being bitter , you can rule that out . I 'm a pearl , darling ; it 's not in my nature . You lot have seen me as a symbol of love for thousands of years and I do try to live up to my name by being kind - although I cannot help but wince sometimes at the irony , given that the first person I ever met died . Don 't look at me like that ; it wasn 't my fault . But that 's why she doesn 't like me . All the same , when you 've being kept in a family for over a century you do take an interest in your present owner , even if it 's not reciprocated , so I enjoy listening to the young ones ' gossip . Let them have their fun while they still can . The best they can hope for is a place in a child 's dressing - up box in just a few , short years so they might as well enjoy it . 2 . Memories . I might be old - fashioned and be from a past that she and you would rather forget , but I 'm not like your kind . I will endure and outlive the others , her - even you . And I never forget . My memory doesn 't grow weak with age , it gets stronger . I can still smell what my home was like ; still feel the movements of the person who found me when he panicked and rushed too quickly to the top , and the urgent , grasping hand of the first , but different person to ever touch me , as though I 'd only stopped smelling and feeling them a minute ago . The memories of my owners and the events in their lives play like the films you are so fond of ; the moment when her grandfather proposed to her grandmother , and the christening of her mother , they are a3 . Before she grew up . I suppose you think it strange that her grandmother , ( or The Matriarch as she jokingly calls her , ) skipped a generation and gave me to someone who doesn 't like me , but it never used to be this way . When she was little and used to visit her grandmother she would ask , ( very politely after giving her a peck on the cheek , ) if she could play with her jewellery box . The answer was always yes , and she would very carefully hunt through the diamonds and gold to find me , pin me to her jumper and wear me for the rest of the time she was there . It became something of a ritual , to the point where her grandmother began to pick me out herself and would put me on the coffee table ready for when she arrived . When she was eighteen , The Matriarch had a heart attack , and fearing that she would never leave hospital , insisted on the girl 's mother driving for two hours to get me , so that she could give me to her personally before it was too late . They were very close , and still are in spite of the distance , for she survived against all the odds . Whenever she goes to see her she always comments on how lovely it is , seeing her granddaughter all grown up , wearing her old brooch that 's always been her favourite . And I was for a time . Traditionally I was only worn for a special or significant occasion , but when she was at college I had the strange but enjoyable experience of being put in her pocket and going with her , and if she felt nervous about something her fingers would slide down to stroke me . Normally I hated people manhandling me , but I didn 't mind in her case - it was better than her biting her nails . It was almost as if she thought that having me with her would stop something bad happening - and I have been viewed as ' lucky . ' Stop sniggering , it 's true . In the days of knights and sword - fighting , we would be worn when the rich and noble went into battle because they thought we would protect them from harm , so don 't laugh at her . It felt good , being wanted , and I have to confess I came in danger You don 't like being reminded of your past - those days of glory when Britain ruled half the world . I think that 's why you apologise so much , and give more than you can afford to charities trying to save the poor and starving around the globe . It 's almost as though you 're trying to make up for all the wrongs done before you were born . And I 've tried to avoid talking about it in case you ran away - I get lonely sometimes and it 's nice having someone to talk to . But you can 't run forever , things have to be faced eventually . Some of you may already know and may already be trying to shut out the sound of my words by turning your thoughts to the plans you 've made for the weekend , but there 'll be a lot of you who don 't . There are lots of happy anecdotes from my owners ' lives I could have told you but this is the one you need to hear : My story . We are not like your kind , but there is one thing we have in common : just as you can 't remember coming out of the womb , we don 't know what it was like being a grain of sand or piece of shell squeezing our way inside an oyster and hardening ; all I remember is being . There were no thoughts , for when you live inside a shell there isn 't a great deal to think about - nothing happens . That probably sounds dull to you but there was no sadness , no pain or death . It was peaceful , just being . I didn 't know this at the time but even nothing has to come to an end eventually : the day would always have come when I would be found . It will be hard for you to understand what it was like being taken out of water , hearing sounds , seeing colours and light - all for the first time . On paper it sounds great , this explosion of life , but the reality was frightening - and even fear was something I had never heard of or felt before . Maybe that 's why your newborns usually cry when they come out , because they 're scared and want to go back . I 'm trying to think of ways to describe how it was to you , and the only way I can think of is for you to imagine an ancient Egyptian being placed in the middle of a supermarket . That might give you a better idea , but even that doesn 't come close . I 've learnt a lot since then - ( I 've had to , I didn 't have any other choice - ) but there 's one thing I 've never been able to get my head around , and that is time . Your lives are ruled by clocks and diaries telling you when deadlines or birthdays are due , but when you have so much time whole years , even decades can pass you by . Forgive me then , if I am a little hazy on dates . What I can tell you is that I was brought to the surface in the late 1800s , which makes me special . There aren 't many of us that come from nature now . Most are made by man in bulk on farms . Things changed . You suddenly became concerned about human life and diving equipment got better . Both meant that the world 's poor no were no longer forced to hold their breaths for comments » I knew that someone important was going to walk into my life at 12 : 15 , just after I normally drink tea and prepare for an slow day working on the horoscope . Now , maybe you might not believe me . After all , I am a professional charlatan . But I knew something was up , because for the last two weeks every prediction I have made actually worked out . It started when I saw Mrs Henderson . She was a fat woman , an unpleasant woman , a great client . Like most people who wanted a reading , she didn 't want the truth . And normally I didn 't give it to her . I pulled out the equipment . It was a plain set . It looked like bone china , but was made in china for a very low price . Mrs Henderson looked impressed anyway . She had a lot of money , and not a lot of sense . Anyway , I started reading the information contained in the tea leafs . And then the world went blank . When I returned to the world , Mrs Henderson was gone . I walked out of the shop I had rented , and another of the shopkeepers came up to me . He was normally an quiet , amicable chap . This time he looked like he wanted to throttle me . " She came out of here . Howling and crying , like you 'd tried to kill her . " he put his face up to mine , " You ever do it again and I 'll . . " " I don 't know what you 're talking about , " and I backed away from him . He stalked off . I walked back to my shop , ready to wait for my next appointment . Mrs Abbot didn 't come . She left a nervous message on my answer phone . At the time I didn 't realise why . Because I had no other clients for the day , I went home . My mouth opened wide . It was such a shock , it seemed like I 'd just been told I was about to die . And then . Then I was in my bed , looking at the ceiling . The police officers had gone . But it felt more real than a dream . It must have been a dream . Yeah , that was what it was , I convinced myself . Although I should have known better . In Ireland you can make a full time living as a psychic . less so in England . The English wouldn 't even pay you if you could predict the lottery . So I also work as a pitchman . Which , if you think about it , is just another way to make a dishonest buck . I walked to the nearest boot sale , and set up . It isn 't too crowded in the morning . And everyone is busy . So I crawl in through the hedge . They don 't know that I 'm there against the rules . I set up . My table is old fashioned . A suitcase with legs you fold out . Like the true pitchmen of the 50 's . My pitch is the worm . They wiggle around my hand , like they are alive . The fools in the crowd gave me money . That is what they are for . She had the longest blondest hair this side of fairyland , and her smile lights up the room like a flashlight . And I knew I am meant to talk to her . Just now . She walked off . I had the sense she is in trouble . She was poorer than she used to be , her clothes were expensive , but last years fashion . I had a feeling I will meet her again . When I got there , there was Mrs Henderson and her husband . Their eyes were red . They had been crying . I couldn 't understand what they were there for . I managed to get them to leave . At first I thought that the gossip would help me . But the truth is , no one wants to go to a psychic that tells them the truth . Life is hard enough . You go to a psychic to hear lies . I made some money as a pitchman , so it didn 't affect me too much . But I kept on having bad dreams . I kept on seeing people I knew in them . Not just that , I saw how they died . Their pain . And I started to write down what I saw . In a book by my bedside cabinet . The extra time I had meant I was drinking more too . It was like I 'd been cursed . But the worst was the Christians . They decided that these dreams were inspired by Satan . They set up the picket line in front of my office . I started to think I should simply leave . On Wednesday , the cleaner came in . She was a nosy parker . And no mistake . Her husband had died a few years back , and she was interested in everything . While it 's not the way she put it , she was very interested in the diary . All the details of the different murders and deaths I 'd seen . All the factual details that no one else other than the murderer could know . She took it to the police , and they read it , and they got their warrant . I arrived back at the normal time , and nothing was different . The book was there . I didn 't notice the surveillance cameras . Not at all . They broke in that night . It wasn 't a dream . And I looked up to them bleary eyed , a gun pointing in my face , and swore . They dragged me towards the back of the car , and I noticed someone had decided to give the press warning . So it was very public . Once in , they took me right there . And kitted me out in fetching jail clothing , since I was still in pyjamas . This was the first time I was in jail , and I can tell you it is not as bad as some people say . There is an odd vinegar smell , hiding other bodily fluids . And it is never quiet . There is always shouting going on , and doors slammed . But it was no worse than some hotels I 've been in while performing . I looked across at my lawyer . Short , thin , balding and bored . The police officer had my diary in front of him . He picked it up . " In it , you 've got the details of dozens of murders . Information the police hasn 't released to the public . Information . . . dare I say it , in some cases that the police didn 't even know themselves . " And that was it . That was the full content of the interview . I was hustled off into the cell , and ended up waiting for days . In telephone conversations with friends , I knew the police were digging up my life . I was given a notebook , and a pen , and I continued to write down my dreams . I thought I might as well . The police would search my cell every now and again , and confiscate them . They even moved me to solitary . Made sure no one could be feeding me this information . Or , presumably , that I wasn 't ordering the killings . But the dreams continued . They were getting worse and worse . Every morning I woke up feeling like I had not slept . I guess at least things looked up , because they took me from prison . They drove me along country lanes , towards a building . I can 't tell you precisely where it was . It just looked like an old school to be honest . You 'd never have guessed it was an intelligence headquarters . They bundled me out into an empty building . You 've heard of the secret prisons . Well , they are true . They dressed me up in a uniform , tagged my ankle , and locked me in a cage . The only thing they gave me was some paper and a pen to write down my dreams . Sometimes people came to research me . They put me in scanners , and gave me all kinds of medical tests . The results were unsurprising . I was just a normal , healthy individual . And that was how it seemed I was destined to live for the rest of my life . Until I started to hear the voices . They were low . Just like someone was talking in the next room . Distant . And I couldn 't make them out . That night I was tossing and turning , and I heard someone shout out my name . I woke up . No one was there . Then I tried to get asleep again , and managed it . But the voice was insistent . Nothing answered me . The guards walked past my cell . But with the dreams and the voices , I was getting no sleep . It started to affect me so badly I would not even eat food . Within a few days I was exhausted . Mentally and physically drained . And I guess that is what the creatures wanted . Because soon they broke through . It 's hard to tell you how it felt . But if you have ever had a moment of shock , when you suddenly feel like you aren 't there , you 'll know . He said his name . And then the voice faded away . But I knew I had to do precisely what he told me . I 'd go mad otherwise . Maybe I was already mad . The opportunity came sooner than I expected . My handlers were getting anxious . I was producing less predictions than normal , and the federal conviction rate was plummeting through the floor . The handlers looked like model citizens . Dark suits , a man and a woman dressed formally , like they were lawyers . They flashed their badge to me . I don 't know why , the fact I was in a prison gave them away . The police officer fell back . You could see him working it through in his mind . Despite the success of my predictions , he settled on the conclusion I was mad . After all , psychic phenomena were impossible . He 'd read that once . I shook my head . But that night , I was thinking about it , and decided that I had to ask . Had to have a conversation , if only for my sanity . When the voices started up , I leaned forward in my bed . I asked the question again . But he would say nothing of use to me . he would only repeatedly ask me to find his killers . Not very useful . Eventually , I managed to coax his name from him . Nigel . Not a very good name for a joke . That was the strange thing . No murder victims of that name came up . Not any time soon . But a week later , a Nigel disappeared . And I realised the truth . I looked through the court reports . He had been killed by stabbing . They wouldn 't let me out of the jail . So all I could do was read the files they brought on him . And I got the feeling that many of the details had been redacted . it was like looking for a haystack in an elephant : messy and not very satisfactory . There were only two people I decided who could have done it . They both had a great deal to gain . At the end of the day , though , there is a limit to what you can do from inside a jail cell . The guards looked sceptically at me when I asked for it . But I was responsible for half the murder arrests in the district for the last six months . So they eventually gave me what I wanted . Especially when I refused to furnish them with any more information . I don 't know if you have ever been to a proper séance . Well , to be honest , most of the time the knocks are from the medium . But this time it was different . Within moments of the séance starting , I was aware that the room was colder . Then the entire board lifted off the table , and flew towards me . It hit the wall a few inches from my face . The room warmed up again . The presence was gone . For a little while . " I didn 't " I replied . I knew that he didn 't believe me . But he would have to show more senior people . And I knew they couldn 't afford to risk me . I went back to bed . For the first time in weeks , I had no bad dreams . I guess Nigel knew I understood his message . I slept very soundly . Until the next morning . But my guards didn 't really understand . Or they did not want to understand . My handler met me in the interview room the next morning . He looked tired . Besides him sat a man I hadn 't seen before . He wore the cleanest , most expensive suit I had seen during my stay at the states pleasure . The man stood up . He walked out of the room . Measured , and without menace . But he didn 't seem to be a man used to dealing with no . My handler shook his head . He didn 't need to tell me the consequences . All of a sudden , I was put on suicide watch . Woken up every thirty minutes to see if I wasn 't dead yet . The heating in my cell surprisingly broke . I knew I was in their hands totally . But I never realised what it was like to displease them . You see , Nigel might be a ghost , but that doesn 't mean he is stupid . He can see what is happening . He knows they are stopping me doing what he wants . And this gets him angry . They first times he acted , it looked like coincidence . The guards chair would tilt under him , depositing him on the floor . Or cups of coffee were not placed firmly enough on the table . The guards were spooked by me . They knew that I was able to see things they could not . But although the guards face became pale , his hand on the trigger was steady and firm . It was too late . The chair slammed into the guard . He dropped to the floor . Then I saw the guards keys float from his pocket . My cell door was unlocked . I walked over to the guard , stripped his clothes off , and changed into his uniform . I thought I didn 't have much of a choice . If I didn 't do what Nigel wanted he would kill me . Every door I came to slid open without me doing anything . It would have been creepy if I didn 't know what was happening . Soon the alarms started to ring out . People would be grabbing their guns , getting ready to shoot me . I could feel my heart trying to escape from my chest . I soon arrived at fire exit . It opened in front of me . I climbed down some steps . Below me , I could see coppers swarming . I continued to walk down . One of the coppers recognised me . I ran in the opposite direction . He took aim , and I could hear the gun explode behind me . But the bullet didn 't pierce my skin like I expected . Instead , it ended in the ground . I reached a police car , and the engine came on without anyone doing anything . Then I went into a store and bought black trousers and a white shirt . Got changed . And walked out of the shopping centre , expecting to be caught at any time . In my pocket there was five hundred dollars . That was all I had in the world , except for an insane ghost . I decided it was time to go to the library . After chatting to the librarian for a few seconds , she walked me over to a computer which had copies of the local papers for the last twenty years . I typed a search . At first I found nothing , but as I expanded the search back I found him . According to the interview , he was found murdered in his bed . He had been asleep . His wife had been charged and convicted of his murder . But she said she was innocent . Nothing came in response . I knew that would happen . It was too much to hope for . It was getting late at night . The librarian was fussing near me . It was time to go . When you are a fugitive , it isn 't as simple to find a place to stay as booking a room in a hotel . I walked round , looking for an empty house . It took me an hour . Occasionally a police car would go past . It made me nervous . At one time it would have been a posh bungalow . But whoever had owned it had been taken to a care home , and it was covered in weeds and neglect . I walked up to the door , and it swings open . That is one of the advantages of your own private poltergeist . Inside it was a mess . But dry and water proof . There was a wood burning stove in one room . The power was off , and Nigel didn 't turn it on . But the water was only off at the mains . It was easy enough to get it working again . In the morning I would have to start the process of searching for Nigel Slater . I knew roughly where he lived . I fell asleep , and woke up hungry and cramped . Outside , I could hear rustling . I peeked through the window , and could see a man dressed only in black . He looked like he was not very friendly . I ducked down , but he must have seen me . He edged towards the door . It was locked , but he slammed it open . I hid behind the sofa . it didn 't help . He walked towards me . I noticed he had a poker in his hand . There was no way he wouldn 't find me . I stood up . I looked over at him . He had a long scar down his face . it seemed like he was used to trouble . And he was straining to start a fight . I did what he said . He followed me . I thought he might hit me at any second . or recognise me . They must have put my picture out into the news by now . I sighed with relief , but knew that my location might be passed onto the police . I decided it was time to get out of the town . I caught a bus , and tried to hide my face . Since I hadn 't had a bath for a few days it was easier than you might think . People did not want to look me in the eyes . I arrived at Nigel 's house six hours latter . It was a solemn house . A plane front garden laid to grass , brick frontage , and white windows . It didn 't look like anyone had ever cared for it . It looked like it was a place to sleep and not to stay . It took me a few minutes to settle down , and watch the street . There was nothing extraordinary about it . A few people walked past , taking little interest in the stranger . After watching for half an hour , I knew there was little information here for me . Talking round the local shops I found out that Nigel had been a quiet man . Few people knew him , past his saying hello . he didn 't seem to have been involved in anything wrong . or indeed in anything at all . I decided that there could only really have been one source of trouble . He must have found out something at work . Something that made him worth more to someone dead than alive . I got some annual reports from his company and studied them . Amazing what is available on the internet these days . There was little of interest . I applied to work at Nigel 's company as a cleaner . it was a big risk . I supplied false references , and knew they would not check them for months . That 's the thing about cleaners . No one takes any notice . So I got the job , and examined the work place thoroughly . It looked like an office . The computers were always on . Once or twice I looked over the shoulder of someone working but it was all gobbledygook to me . To make it worse , I saw my face on the newspaper when I went for food . Sure , I looked a lot different now . I had grown longer hair , a beard , and was thinner . But it was still me . I grew suspicious of other people . Then came my big break . Several people were working in the office late . I overhead them speaking about a billion dollar deal . The company was getting bought out . I checked the internet , and there was something in the trade section . The routine was the same every day . But one of my colleagues had not turned up to work . So I was asked to clean the main office . I did so . But I did more than that , I broke into the file cabinets , and started reading company secrets . But that didn 't save me for long . The next day I arrived at work a few minutes earlier . Something told me that things were wrong . The security guard on the gate was new . He told me to go out to the bosses office . I walked into a small lab , and looked around . There was a window , and I tried to open it . In the distance I could see five police cars . The window wouldn 't open . There was only one way out . And I knew that by now , there would be police officers between me and the door . I looked round to find a chair . Then used it to break the window . The alarm went , and I slid through the empty hole . But I caught my shoulder on a shard of glass . I was bleeding . The police gave up their pretence . Dozens of sirens started up , heading towards the building . I ran through a green space . I knew that there was only one way out of the compound except the front gate . A hole in the fence I had noticed a few days earlier . But over head their was a helicopter . Although I ran like the wind , it wasn 't enough . I could hear the police men getting closer and closer . I turned around and saw two police officers . They both had guns pointed at me . I raised my hands , and they soon had me on the ground . I arrived at my destination a few hours latter . This time they were taking no chances . I arrived at a super maximum prison . Surrounded by barbed wire , dogs , and armed police officers it was obvious I 'd never get out . The next day the interrogation began . Again and Again . Asking me where I had gone . What I had done . I eventually broke down and told them everything . But that didn 't stop them continuing . Maybe what they were doing was no crime . But it was a form of torture . Eventually , the interrogations stopped . They gave me paper . They wanted to go back to how it used to be . But by that time I had got so angry , even when I did have a dream I kept it to myself . I wasn 't there . So all I can do is repeat the report that was made to me . No guarantee it is what happened . Apparently the director of the FBI had been having an extramarital affair . He was in bed that normal , and engaging in exercise at the same time . This was not expected , but what was even more unexpected was the windows opening wide . And the explosions of a gun . The director of the FBI 's gun . But I do know that it made the national news . The assistant director of the FBI resigned . And , to be frank , most of the people in the FBI did not care much about that . But it was fair warning . He didn 't seem to be exactly happy about what had happened . In fact , he stormed in to the visiting room , and let loose a barrage of swear words . I sat there passively , listening to him . When he calmed down sufficiently , he sat down . " Nigel was right . All he wants is his murderer found . But he isn 't going to stop . Not until that is done . Not even if he has to kill someone else to do it . " " No . I am not . Nigel is a threat to you . If you stand in the way , that is . He is a ghost . What can you do to get rid of him ? " The director of the FBI thought for a few seconds . An hour latter , a priest turned up with bell , book and candle . it didn 't work spectacularly . The power went off , the candle blew out , the bell rang , and the book was thrown across the room . The director gestured to the mirror and two toughs walked in . They carried some rope . They tied me to the chair , and lifted a cosh over their heads . Then all hell broke lose . The cosh swung back by itself . it raised into the air , and came down , laying out one of the thugs . The other caught me a glancing blow , but something unseen lifted him from the floor and threw him against the wall . " You have a choice . Director . Help find Nigel 's killer . Or , I think , Nigel will chase you down and gut you like a fish . " Eventually the Director settled down again . He sat in his chair , silently looking at me . I wasn 't a pretty picture . Thin , and in prison coveralls . I must have looked like a real criminal . They let me go that afternoon . Put me in a suit , and told me I was seconded to the FBI . I was even given my own agent . He was tall , thin , and looked every inch the government man . The agent shook his head . He gave nothing away . That was when I knew he wasn 't sent to help me . Just to keep an eye out on me . Nevertheless , I decided that I could use him . Like he wanted to use me . I looked over to him , and told him to get a warrant . We were going to search Nigel 's company . And read every damn bit of paper they had about Sigma . When we arrived at the door , they had their lawyer sorted out already . Someone must have leaked it . He looked like he had cost a lot of money . " I 'm afraid we have the right not to incriminate ourselves . We are asserting that right . Both as a company , and as individuals . So , no , you can ask any questions but we will not answer them . " I was surprised when I found the clue . It was something no one else would have noticed . A single envelope in the bin . It contained an address . I think Nigel must have been helping me . I was drawn to it . But the thing I noticed was the fact the address had a Sigma stamp . Once we were out of the building , I decided to break away from the FBI agent . I knew some things would work better on my own . it was easier said than done . When I tried to go for a walk that night , he insisted on staying right by me . Getting to the address was difficult . I didn 't have a car , I had to take the bus . Most of the journey there wasn 't even that . And it had began to rain . I must have looked odd , walking around town that late at night , soaked . In fact , I surprised no copper stopped me . " Good enough , " I said . Knowing I was lying as I said it . It wasn 't like it was my strong point . The expression on the coppers face showed he thought not either . He stood there behind me his mouth opened , as I shimmied the lock . it opened . I walked in . This was a mistake , I didn 't notice the small CCTV camera , the camera that was hidden in a plug socket . But it was sending my picture right up to the security office . I worked quickly , going up the stairs to the office . I don 't know what I had expected to see . But what I did see looked just like any other office . Even down to the half drunk cup of coffee . I woke up in the boot of a car . I could feel the engine running , and smell burning petrol . It was pick black . The car started off , bumping along the ground . Hitting me from side to side . My hands were tied behind my back . It was lucky I knew a little magic . I got the knot loose without much effort . Then I grovelled around the car to find something , anything that could help me . There was a wrench , which I picked up . I put the rope around my wrists , hiding the fact I was loose . And put the wrench in my pocket . The boot of the car swung open . One of the security guards lifted me out of the boot . He was covered in muscle . My mouth opened wide . That was the last thing I expected to hear . They marched me along the ground and I saw him for the first time . Nigel . Alive . Then the room went strange . Something turned the lights off , and opened the windows . It even raised a chair off the ground . The security guard looked worried for the first time . " For the last month , I have been searching for the person who killed Nigel Slater . You , sir , are Nigel Slater . But it seems your ghost hasn 't got the information you are alive . " But it didn 't work . By the time that the ambulance arrived , Nigel was in a deep coma . It took only a short time after that until the first homicide detective got there . But the truth is , it was fate . No ones fault . Except the murderer . After all , how can Nigel Slater 's ghost come into my dreams unless he is actually killed ? What happened next surprised me . The cops arrested me . Told me I was being held on suspicion of murder . I told them not to be idiots , but they wrote it in their notebooks and not their minds . By that point the clues would be getting stale , so I drove right to the company . But they wouldn 't let me in . it was a police investigation , they said . No dice . I called the FBI agent and asked him to run the full scan on Slater . By the time he had finished I would know every single family member . And all I had to do was interview them . The only clue left to me was Sigma . The company was closed for a few hours , but the managing director wasn 't . Again the FBI came to my rescue . They had the address , and I wasn 't afraid to use it . We walked up the garden path . It wasn 't the most luxurious house that a managing director had ever lived at . But I knocked on the door anyway . I walked in . Behold , the group was all there . The director of the FBI himself . The attorney general . And a four star general . I could feel the back of my assistant straightening up . The Managing Director pressed a button on the TV . It switched on . Nigel Slater 's office . I saw him pick up his glass . Put the chemicals in it . The MD fast forwarded . Nigel killed himself . " Oil . We got him to produce computer models . All the oil reserves . He was so great . . . well , he could produce a program that told us exactly where oil was , just from satellite images . " Just at that moment a dozen armed guards came into the room . Their guns were pointed right at me . I raised my hands , and was soon plunged into the carpet . They searched me . Didn 't find anything interesting . " Yeah . But I don 't think you did it . I don 't think you were that smart . But I don 't know what this being who calls himself Nigel Slater is , " I didn 't struggle . By now , them putting handcuffs on me was almost routine . I just wish I had been able to continue my life as a charlatan . I didn 't know what to say to that . it was true . it was obvious when you think about it . Nigel had told me he was murdered when he was still alive . but no one ever said the soul was bound to the arrow of time . Within a few minutes we had picked up an escort . From what I could tell , they had closed the road down . Only we were travelling that evening . I gulped . It looked like things were just about to head for the worse . The trip to the Whitehouse was the most fraught I had experienced in my life . The director of the FBI was reading faxes and emails in the car . His face was getting more and more pale . " I guess like the English did in WWII . With disinformation . We need to get an Chinese agent and feed him bad info . And I guess Nigel might be your best hope for that . " I guess the FBI director caught on quickly . Because he could go anywhere , Nigel could listen to the Chinese chatter . He could find Chinese agents . Maybe he didn 't know Chinese , but he knew enough to listen in to the English language conversations . It wasn 't a new concept . The CIA had investigated it in the sixties . But they didn 't have a real life ghost , so their experiments failed . This time we had a real ghost . I asked them to pick out the Ouija board again . The séance room was a sight you had never seen in your life . The president and the director of the FBI holding hands , in a dark room . The president of the united states shook his head . You could tell he couldn 't believe what he was seeing . He got up from his seat , and you could almost hear his bones cracking . Over in the corner of the room I could see a computer with satellite images . I could watch the Chinese fleet mobilising in real time . The number of dots that represented aircraft carriers alone was scary . " It will only be a few days before we have to mobilise our own navy . " The wait was excruciating . But suddenly five hours latter , the board started spelling out a name . The FBI director went to work . Within minutes they had the file out . He didn 't look like what you would expect of a Chinese agent . He had long , blonde hair , was dressed in a respectable suit , and had a respectable job . He worked in the old navy base . His job was to work on the files , reading sensitive military information . Including information about resource allocation . Once they checked his bank account the truth became obvious . The FBI director stood up , and paced down the long thin corridor . Then he arrived back in the meeting room with a young woman . She was dressed in military uniform . He explained the plan . It was simple . The Chinese agent needed to think it had all been a hoax . But for that to work , he would have to eat a pack of lies . I wasn 't there , so I can report only what I have been told . The female agent I had been introduced to worked in the old navy headquarters . She worked in the files there . It is a room full of top secret papers . Room might be the wrong word ; it was the size of an aircraft hanger . She worked there , and had spent months being bored . So naturally , she had struck up a conversation with the handsome blonde military attaché . And , the conversation was reciprocated . The director of the FBI looked at her . She didn 't look like much to put the freedom of the world onto . But she was eager . And after being told what to do , she didn 't complain . She saluted . I stood at the back of the room , watching the Director of the FBI feeling out the officer , and knew I would have to talk to Nigel alone . I didn 't trust her . She looked too good to be true with her starched uniform and willing smile . The new agent went into a staff car , to be driven to the headquarters . She looked very lonely in the back of the car . Meanwhile , we walked to the operations room . There was a banks of monitors the length of the room . We could see satellite images of the build up of the Chinese fleet , as well as real time updates of our spies . I nodded . Then looked back over to the screens . I could see our agent depositing the papers in her draw . She phoned up the Chinese agent , and set up dinner . It looked like a glorious feast . Roast duck , with all the trimmings . The doorbell went . She walked over to it , and opened it . She said something , and the Chinese agent walked into the room . After ten minutes of conversation , she walked away . To go to the toilet . He walked over to the draws , and started rummaging . After a few minutes he found the file our agent had left . He took out the smallest camera you have ever seen , and clicked the image . After that , he put the files away . After he left , the confirmation came thick and fast . The Chinese fleet disbanded . It was amazing to see , but they split up within a matter of hours . Soon the sea around Taiwan was empty except for commercial shipping . I guess that if this had been a story that would be it . I would have been given a party , a celebration , and been allowed to leave . After all , I had saved the day . Well , Nigel did leave . I haven 't heard from him since . After they had finished celebrating , a guard collected me , and drove me in a prison van to here . It is a cold concrete cell . I am allowed a TV , and to write carefully vetted letters . I 'm not sure how I will post this , my story . Maybe I will write it under the postage stamp . I guess for an old crook like me , it is fair . But I wish I had been sent to jail for something I did . And not for some trumped up terrorist charge . Currently we only offer payment for one story selected as the feature story in the monthly pdf magazine only . The successful author will be contacted to organise payment via paypal for a $ 5AUD payment . 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The ship swayed and creaked . He feels every bit of it in his body . Taking no chances the crew , damnedable pirates , have chained him with no give . Legs bound in a kneeling position , arms chained to either wall crucifying him to the ship like a perverse figurehead , he 's been their captive long enough to have forgotten the feel of kindness . It is a small blessing that their fear of him keeps his gag in place at all times . It keeps them from coming anywhere near him . The captain learned a long time ago that he gleans all he needs to live from the moisture in the air , the brine in his eyes . During storms , when he is strongest , the captain posts guards with him . They don 't look at him . A terrible hope fills him today . By the movement of the ship and the crew 's curses , he knows that they 're being pursued by another ship . This ship is a runner , fast . There 'd be little concern of capture if the ship did not gain its quickness from being light , gain its lightness from having little room for armaments or supplies . The pursuers have had them going for a week now and they 'd been out of port for at least a month . He knows from the panic in the crew that the food is all but gone . Soon they 'll be too weak to load what small guns are aboard . He 'd be surprised if they could remember how to sight the cannons it 's been so long since the captain has ordered them used . His hope stems from the pirates ' desperation . If they succumb to practicality then they 'll come for him . With frightened hearts and shaking hands , they 'll undo his chains and he 'll get to spend some time under the sky instead of under foot . So he waits for their desperation to bloom practicality . It does not take long . The first mate comes with three guards and the keys . It is always the first mate that comes to get him . The captain coming himself would make him a person that the captain fears , he wouldn 't last long once that got out among the crew . The first mate is the only one he trusts with the keys to his chains . " The captain wants to see you . " He speaks with a unique accent that comes with the ship 's pidgin of French , Spanish , and Greek . His ears hear the gibberish , but his mind provides him with the meaning . Slowly , they unchain his arms from the ship and secure them behind his back . The guards are afraid to touch him , unsure whether he 'll break or they 'll be infected with something . It strikes him as odd how religious some of these men are . Coming onto the deck , sea spray hits him in the face , covers his bare chest . He instantly feels more alive . He stands taller , muscles flex , the chains bite into his skin . They take him to the captain , standing at the aft of the ship . He stands beside the captain looking out at the wide ocean , the only thing marring their perfect view of the horizon the pursuers . The first mate and guards fold themselves into the three other men standing around them . The captain just stands there for a few minutes , ignoring him . This too is done to show the crew he will do this in his own time , to show that the man he keeps below decks does not frighten him . Around the gag , behind the locked mouth plate , he smiles . Only he and the captain know what he is , and he knows that the captain is frightened of that . " I have use of you . " From under his coat he draws out the key that only he is allowed to keep . He inserts into lock for the face plate . " If you hurt this ship my men will stab you and you will die before you can swim for freedom . Like always , yeah ? " He nods . It 's always the same threat . It vaguely occurs to him that this is only a half life . But then , the spirits would kill for half a life . The plate falls away and he spits the wooden wedge from his mouth . His tongue sticks out , tasting the salt in the air . He flexes his jaw , taking in the blue sky , the white clouds , the gentle waves . He smiles at the captain . Other than the crew 's swords there is very little compelling him . Finally , the captain 's annoyance at the delay shows on his face . He focuses on ship on the horizon . He tries not to think of the men on the ship . He knows he will have to answer for his actions one day , but he 's trying to postpone that day for as long as possible . " I 'm fine . Sorry . " The cabby 's eyes dart from the road to the rearview mirror and back . " I 'm good . I 'm okay . " The cabby 's eyes return to the road and stay there , Lawrence was prepared to keep reassuring him for the rest of the drive as long as he didn 't take his eyes off the road . " That jetlag 's a bitch , isn 't it ? " " Yeah , jetlag . " He doesn 't really feel like talking so he looks out the window . What he sees unsettles him so much that he almost closes his eyes again . Outside the cab desert stretched on for miles . When he 'd met the cabby at the airport he 'd been fine . They 'd been in the middle of a city . He preferred the buildings and people to the endless dry expanse . He tried to think of it as a sea of earth but it just made him queasy . He can 't help it , he closes his eyes . " We 're almost there , " the cabby rouses him . " If I 'd of known I wouldn 't have let you sleep at all . You wouldn 't believe how many people fall asleep in my cab from the airport . " The cabby keeps up a steady stream of chitchat for the next few minutes . Lawrence doesn 't say much , but he 's glad for the distraction . " Here we go , buddy . " He pulls up in front of an independent diner . Lawrence can tell the sign was made with care when it was painted , years in the desert sun has faded it badly . " They got good food here ? " " I don 't know . This is my first time here . " He pays the fare and steps out of the air - conditioned interior . His lips are immediately dry and cracked . The heat cuts him to the core as fast as it dried his lips , the urge to speak rises in him . He needs to escape this heat , he 's drowning in dryness . He rushes inside hoping that they 'll have air - conditioning . No such luck . The interior of the restaurant is as faded as the exterior . He seats himself , impatiently tapping his foot waiting for the waitress . He can hear the sound of the wind . Not the dry , lifeless wind of the desert , but the damp , alive wind of the storm . It 's calling to him , begging him to call out . He licks his lips with a tongue he can barely feel . He can 't help himself , the desert is antithesis for him . Why had he decided to come here ? To satisfy some adolescent curiosity ? He takes one long , shuttering breath . " The special , two of them , just bring me a pitcher of water . " His throat feels so dry . He has to speak now before he loses his chance . " Hmph ! " With blurry vision he watches her flounce back to the kitchen . He grabs the edge of the table to steady himself . He 's clenching his jaw by the time she comes back with a glass for him . He swallows half of it . The cool liquid fills him , calming him . Vision clears , hands stop shaking , the urge lessening . The torrent of wind in his ears shifts to a gentle breeze . How close had he come ? The waitress turns to leave again , he grabs her arm . " Can I get you anything else ? " She says it in such a way that makes Lawrence wonder if it 's actually a question . She tired of him he can tell . She 's too used to bullying the locals . He doesn 't trying to be nice to her , he just takes out a fifty and lays it on the table . " This is your tip if you keep bringing me pitchers of water . " Her eyes gleam slightly as she stares at the bill on the table . Slowly she puts the pitcher on the table . " Thank you . " He drains the rest of his glass and pours another . He finishes this one in three huge gulps . He doesn 't feel as trapped now , his breathing has evened out . He fills the glass a third time , finishing off the pitcher , but only sips this one . A couple minutes pass , the waitress brings his two specials and another pitcher . Lawrence only picks at his food . Between the desert and the age of the equipment in the diner the food is completely dry . Mainly he just cuts up the food and moves it around on his plate . Mainly he watches the people in the restaurant . He immediately discounts his waitress . Seeing her move around the diner , speaking with her , she 's spent most of her life trying to get away from this place . It 's a pity that she 'd never really feel like she belongs anywhere . An old man sits in another booth . He is weathered , his countenance telling the story of a life in the desert . Despite the heat of the day he 's drinking coffee . Lawrence would have considered him a likely candidate if his research didn 't tell him he is looking for someone younger . Besides the old man doesn 't look like he belongs here , only that he 's gotten used to living here . It 's an old style diner setup , so Lawrence can see the cook behind the half wall separating the kitchen from the dining area . Cook would be a wonderful job for who he 's looking for . The heat rising from the stove providing a fix for the cravings while at work . Though nothing compared to the natural heat of the desert it would do while at work . Unfortunately the cook is wearing a sleeveless shirt that 's plastered to his body with sweat . Lawrence 's heart falls . He 's not close enough to the cook to pick up a flow from him , but the fact that he 's sweating tells him all he needs to know . It 's possible his sources were wrong . It 's not easy to track a Bearer . The burden / gift they bear making it too hard to get a fix on them . He 's about to get up , throwing the contents of his glass down his throat , when the kitchen door swings open and a young man steps through . Lawrence puts his cup down and watches him . Something in the way he moves is different . Somehow his movements come off as light , almost bouncy . Even just clearing dishes from tables , his movements are quick , precise . He wears a t - shirt , jeans , and boots , all are cheap , but he still has an air of status . Lawrence notes that he 's not sweating . He looks up , checking for more stray dishes . Lawrence motions him over . " You finished with this , mister ? " Lawrence inhales and catches the scent of aged stone . " Sorry , mister , I 'm just here for the dishes . You 'll want to try Craiper St . around ten tonight . " He grabs a plate , Lawrence grabs his wrist . Sun … Heat … Dry … Sand … Lawrence pulls his hand away , palm red . Perspiration stands out on the young man 's brow now , fear in his eyes . He slides into the booth across from Lawrence . Lawrence pours another glass of water and waits for the boy to say something . " I 'm on break ! " She throws up her hands and goes back into the kitchen . Tito smiles at Lawrence . " Let 's go outside . " Lawrence downs his water and follows him out and around the diner . " I 'm Benjamin Fuller , but everyone calls me , Tito . Now who the hell are you ? " It 's a fair question . If he doesn 't know what he is then he 's probably really freaked out . Lawrence can 't blame him , he 's been there . " Ha , not likely , man . " Tito looks skeptical , very skeptical . There 's at least fifteen years between them . And while Tito isn 't a full blooded Mexican , Lawrence can tell at least one of his parents is , while Lawrence couldn 't be more white without being an albino . It 's hard to believe . " I don 't mean biologically . I mean spiritually . " Tito 's face is instantly serious . " You can feel it , can 't you ? That subtle , tickling at the back of your brain that makes you feel like you know me , even while at your core I unsettle you . " " Yes . " Tito looks so relieved that it breaks Lawrence 's heart . He knows what it 's like to finally have this explained . Lawrence had spent three years in a mental hospital trying to deal by himself . Tito is a strong young man . " Where is there open desert ? " Tito points down an alley . Lawrence starts walking , Tito doesn 't need to be told to follow , he falls into step next to Lawrence careful not to touch him . They come out the other end of the alley seeing open land . For Lawrence it 's as close to nothing as he ever wants to get . Longing fills Tito 's eyes . " I want to share something with you . Watch out there . " Lawrence takes a deep breath and centers himself . The urge to speak has been growing since they stepped out of the diner , the dryness creeping in to all his dark places . Tito 's hands fly up to cover his ears . " Ah ! What the hell ? " FLASH ! BOOM ! The thunder cuts off any further curses . Tito 's gaze is drawn out to the desert , where black storm clouds have formed out of nowhere . The fear is back in his eyes , he retreats till his back hits the wall to the building . " What have you done ? " " I spoke my Word . We 're Word Bearers , Tito . You have your own . Can you feel it ? Deep in core . " Lawrence can see he 's confused . He 's frightened , overwhelmed . FLASHBOOM ! " You can stop this , Tito . Go ahead . Say your Word . I want to hear it . " " I don 't … I 'm not sure . " Confusion and fear war on Tito 's face . Lawrence hopes he won 't run . He didn 't mean to scare the boy . " Of course you 're sure . You 've known it for centuries , you just haven 't spoken it yet . It 's okay . I 'm here with you . " His first step is hesitant , his second is firm , his third is confident . Lawrence realizes he 's holding his breath . Tito looks up at him , he nods . Tito fixes his gaze on the storm . " " There it is . It 's as quiet as Lawrence 's Word is loud , but no less powerful . It 's so beautiful . As Lawrence watches the storm clouds dissipate a tear rolls down his cheek . 2 Dad suffered even from a sight of blood , and he never killed a hen nor slaughtered a pig . But I was aware that once he had donated his blood in the name of my Mum still , because she 'd had a narrow escape on an operating table then . With me a doctor would have my blood tested in a moment : one , two and it 's done . But first they make you ready for rather a time : take a seat , then have a proper finger chosen , though it is always just the one , then they wipe it with spirits until take somewhat sharp like a mini - scalpel . Not everyone can stand the procedure , but I was not against it when a doctor suggested me having my blood tested . She was a likable one , youngish for her age , not married or divorced , probably . And she had no child , I felt it immediately , she had such a look , barren if you want . Possibly for health reasons she could not bear a child or she didn 't find a right man . Or she could have a particular blood group not to have a child with anyone , that 's why she employed at a doctor 's consulting room to make blood tests . And she urged me to have my blood tested . At first I didn 't mind it , the right thing it is , still she didn 't ask my permission . " Just let 's have your blood tested " , she said and left me . She had many things to do I suppose . In doctor 's smocks they walked hither and thither all the time at a clinic there talking over the heads of those waiting , as if one was dead already . And I was still alive and a nurse was preparing to have my blood tested . While she got me ready she was chattering . She said that men were afraid of blood testing nowadays . More and more they refused to do it and ran away sometimes seeing a drop of blood . And one had nothing to fear , there was a couch behind the curtain in a special emergency to lie low , in case one fainted . She pulled the white curtain aside and showed me a couch with dark green leatherette and I shivered all at once : what for they needed my blood ? She suggested me taking off a jacket and rolling up my sleeve , left or right one , I don 't rMy Bio : Mr . Valery Petrovskiy is a journalist and short story writer from Russia . Не is an English Department graduate at Chuvash State University , Cheboksary , graduated in journalism at VKSch Higher School , Moscow and in psychology at Kazan State Technology University . He has been writing prose since 2005 . Some of his writing has been published in The Scrambler , Rusty Typer , BRICKrethoric , NAP Magazine , Literary Burlesque , The Other Room , Curbside Quotidian , DANSE MACABRE , WidowMoon Press , PRIME MINCER , Apocrypha and Abstractions , The Legendary in the USA , and in Australian " Skive " and " Going Down Swinging " magazines . At the moment he is writer - in - residence at Marco Polo Art Mag . It 's dark in here . That 's because I live at the bottom of the jewellery box along with the other outcasts : the tangled necklace with the broken lobster claw and teddy pendant she got for her eleventh birthday , along with the bracelet that 's missing a couple of gem stones . She always says she will have them repaired but never does , preferring to spend the money on more fashionable pieces instead that imitate Asian and Oriental designs . An untrained eye might imagine that they were found by a back - packer on their travels , but they weren 't . They can be bought from any shop on the high - street , and are merely echoes of worlds she 's never seen . Not all of us down here are broken though . I 'm not , and neither is the engagement ring she got from Mark , ( who eventually cheated on her with Shannon from Reception , ) or the belly bar she took out when she put weight on and decided looked too young for her anyway . The ones at the top who get worn more often pity us , ( ' how boring it must be , ' they say to each other in whispers they think we can 't hear , ' being cooped up down there , month in , month out , ' ) but in a way they 're jealous . As I 've said , you could buy them in their hundreds if you wanted to , and they are without sentimental value like the childhood necklace or the belly bar that reminds her of her wild teens and early twenties . They 're easily replaced and she gives them away when they become outdated - or chucks them if even her younger sister and the charity shops say no , thanks . She doesn 't like Mark 's ring or me , so it isn 't often that her fingers dig through the chunky bangles and strings of beads to bring me to the surface . It happens maybe three or four times a year when she has arranged to visit The Matriarch . The ring doesn 't even get a look in . Why Mark wouldn 't let her give it back to him so that he could give it to someone he did love is beyond us ; at least that way it would have been enjoyed . All the same , seeing as I 'm an heirloom and the ring is eighteen carat white goPerhaps you imagine I get bitter when the voices of the favoured ones float above my head , chattering away about their ventures out of the box : days at work , dinners , dates , parties and who was there , who wasn 't there , what she wore … you get the drift . Or worse , maybe you feel sorry for me . I 'd rather you didn 't . Pity the rest but not me . I 'm not so keen on their weight pressing down on me but I don 't mind the dark . In fact I quite like it . It reminds me of home , my real one , from before I met people . As for being bitter , you can rule that out . I 'm a pearl , darling ; it 's not in my nature . You lot have seen me as a symbol of love for thousands of years and I do try to live up to my name by being kind - although I cannot help but wince sometimes at the irony , given that the first person I ever met died . Don 't look at me like that ; it wasn 't my fault . But that 's why she doesn 't like me . All the same , when you 've being kept in a family for over a century you do take an interest in your present owner , even if it 's not reciprocated , so I enjoy listening to the young ones ' gossip . Let them have their fun while they still can . The best they can hope for is a place in a child 's dressing - up box in just a few , short years so they might as well enjoy it . 2 . Memories . I might be old - fashioned and be from a past that she and you would rather forget , but I 'm not like your kind . I will endure and outlive the others , her - even you . And I never forget . My memory doesn 't grow weak with age , it gets stronger . I can still smell what my home was like ; still feel the movements of the person who found me when he panicked and rushed too quickly to the top , and the urgent , grasping hand of the first , but different person to ever touch me , as though I 'd only stopped smelling and feeling them a minute ago . The memories of my owners and the events in their lives play like the films you are so fond of ; the moment when her grandfather proposed to her grandmother , and the christening of her mother , they are a3 . Before she grew up . I suppose you think it strange that her grandmother , ( or The Matriarch as she jokingly calls her , ) skipped a generation and gave me to someone who doesn 't like me , but it never used to be this way . When she was little and used to visit her grandmother she would ask , ( very politely after giving her a peck on the cheek , ) if she could play with her jewellery box . The answer was always yes , and she would very carefully hunt through the diamonds and gold to find me , pin me to her jumper and wear me for the rest of the time she was there . It became something of a ritual , to the point where her grandmother began to pick me out herself and would put me on the coffee table ready for when she arrived . When she was eighteen , The Matriarch had a heart attack , and fearing that she would never leave hospital , insisted on the girl 's mother driving for two hours to get me , so that she could give me to her personally before it was too late . They were very close , and still are in spite of the distance , for she survived against all the odds . Whenever she goes to see her she always comments on how lovely it is , seeing her granddaughter all grown up , wearing her old brooch that 's always been her favourite . And I was for a time . Traditionally I was only worn for a special or significant occasion , but when she was at college I had the strange but enjoyable experience of being put in her pocket and going with her , and if she felt nervous about something her fingers would slide down to stroke me . Normally I hated people manhandling me , but I didn 't mind in her case - it was better than her biting her nails . It was almost as if she thought that having me with her would stop something bad happening - and I have been viewed as ' lucky . ' Stop sniggering , it 's true . In the days of knights and sword - fighting , we would be worn when the rich and noble went into battle because they thought we would protect them from harm , so don 't laugh at her . It felt good , being wanted , and I have to confess I came in danger You don 't like being reminded of your past - those days of glory when Britain ruled half the world . I think that 's why you apologise so much , and give more than you can afford to charities trying to save the poor and starving around the globe . It 's almost as though you 're trying to make up for all the wrongs done before you were born . And I 've tried to avoid talking about it in case you ran away - I get lonely sometimes and it 's nice having someone to talk to . But you can 't run forever , things have to be faced eventually . Some of you may already know and may already be trying to shut out the sound of my words by turning your thoughts to the plans you 've made for the weekend , but there 'll be a lot of you who don 't . There are lots of happy anecdotes from my owners ' lives I could have told you but this is the one you need to hear : My story . We are not like your kind , but there is one thing we have in common : just as you can 't remember coming out of the womb , we don 't know what it was like being a grain of sand or piece of shell squeezing our way inside an oyster and hardening ; all I remember is being . There were no thoughts , for when you live inside a shell there isn 't a great deal to think about - nothing happens . That probably sounds dull to you but there was no sadness , no pain or death . It was peaceful , just being . I didn 't know this at the time but even nothing has to come to an end eventually : the day would always have come when I would be found . It will be hard for you to understand what it was like being taken out of water , hearing sounds , seeing colours and light - all for the first time . On paper it sounds great , this explosion of life , but the reality was frightening - and even fear was something I had never heard of or felt before . Maybe that 's why your newborns usually cry when they come out , because they 're scared and want to go back . I 'm trying to think of ways to describe how it was to you , and the only way I can think of is for you to imagine an ancient Egyptian being placed in the middle of a supermarket . That might give you a better idea , but even that doesn 't come close . I 've learnt a lot since then - ( I 've had to , I didn 't have any other choice - ) but there 's one thing I 've never been able to get my head around , and that is time . Your lives are ruled by clocks and diaries telling you when deadlines or birthdays are due , but when you have so much time whole years , even decades can pass you by . Forgive me then , if I am a little hazy on dates . What I can tell you is that I was brought to the surface in the late 1800s , which makes me special . There aren 't many of us that come from nature now . Most are made by man in bulk on farms . Things changed . You suddenly became concerned about human life and diving equipment got better . Both meant that the world 's poor no were no longer forced to hold their breaths for comments » I knew that someone important was going to walk into my life at 12 : 15 , just after I normally drink tea and prepare for an slow day working on the horoscope . Now , maybe you might not believe me . After all , I am a professional charlatan . But I knew something was up , because for the last two weeks every prediction I have made actually worked out . It started when I saw Mrs Henderson . She was a fat woman , an unpleasant woman , a great client . Like most people who wanted a reading , she didn 't want the truth . And normally I didn 't give it to her . I pulled out the equipment . It was a plain set . It looked like bone china , but was made in china for a very low price . Mrs Henderson looked impressed anyway . She had a lot of money , and not a lot of sense . Anyway , I started reading the information contained in the tea leafs . And then the world went blank . When I returned to the world , Mrs Henderson was gone . I walked out of the shop I had rented , and another of the shopkeepers came up to me . He was normally an quiet , amicable chap . This time he looked like he wanted to throttle me . " She came out of here . Howling and crying , like you 'd tried to kill her . " he put his face up to mine , " You ever do it again and I 'll . . " " I don 't know what you 're talking about , " and I backed away from him . He stalked off . I walked back to my shop , ready to wait for my next appointment . Mrs Abbot didn 't come . She left a nervous message on my answer phone . At the time I didn 't realise why . Because I had no other clients for the day , I went home . My mouth opened wide . It was such a shock , it seemed like I 'd just been told I was about to die . And then . Then I was in my bed , looking at the ceiling . The police officers had gone . But it felt more real than a dream . It must have been a dream . Yeah , that was what it was , I convinced myself . Although I should have known better . In Ireland you can make a full time living as a psychic . less so in England . The English wouldn 't even pay you if you could predict the lottery . So I also work as a pitchman . Which , if you think about it , is just another way to make a dishonest buck . I walked to the nearest boot sale , and set up . It isn 't too crowded in the morning . And everyone is busy . So I crawl in through the hedge . They don 't know that I 'm there against the rules . I set up . My table is old fashioned . A suitcase with legs you fold out . Like the true pitchmen of the 50 's . My pitch is the worm . They wiggle around my hand , like they are alive . The fools in the crowd gave me money . That is what they are for . She had the longest blondest hair this side of fairyland , and her smile lights up the room like a flashlight . And I knew I am meant to talk to her . Just now . She walked off . I had the sense she is in trouble . She was poorer than she used to be , her clothes were expensive , but last years fashion . I had a feeling I will meet her again . When I got there , there was Mrs Henderson and her husband . Their eyes were red . They had been crying . I couldn 't understand what they were there for . I managed to get them to leave . At first I thought that the gossip would help me . But the truth is , no one wants to go to a psychic that tells them the truth . Life is hard enough . You go to a psychic to hear lies . I made some money as a pitchman , so it didn 't affect me too much . But I kept on having bad dreams . I kept on seeing people I knew in them . Not just that , I saw how they died . Their pain . And I started to write down what I saw . In a book by my bedside cabinet . The extra time I had meant I was drinking more too . It was like I 'd been cursed . But the worst was the Christians . They decided that these dreams were inspired by Satan . They set up the picket line in front of my office . I started to think I should simply leave . On Wednesday , the cleaner came in . She was a nosy parker . And no mistake . Her husband had died a few years back , and she was interested in everything . While it 's not the way she put it , she was very interested in the diary . All the details of the different murders and deaths I 'd seen . All the factual details that no one else other than the murderer could know . She took it to the police , and they read it , and they got their warrant . I arrived back at the normal time , and nothing was different . The book was there . I didn 't notice the surveillance cameras . Not at all . They broke in that night . It wasn 't a dream . And I looked up to them bleary eyed , a gun pointing in my face , and swore . They dragged me towards the back of the car , and I noticed someone had decided to give the press warning . So it was very public . Once in , they took me right there . And kitted me out in fetching jail clothing , since I was still in pyjamas . This was the first time I was in jail , and I can tell you it is not as bad as some people say . There is an odd vinegar smell , hiding other bodily fluids . And it is never quiet . There is always shouting going on , and doors slammed . But it was no worse than some hotels I 've been in while performing . I looked across at my lawyer . Short , thin , balding and bored . The police officer had my diary in front of him . He picked it up . " In it , you 've got the details of dozens of murders . Information the police hasn 't released to the public . Information . . . dare I say it , in some cases that the police didn 't even know themselves . " And that was it . That was the full content of the interview . I was hustled off into the cell , and ended up waiting for days . In telephone conversations with friends , I knew the police were digging up my life . I was given a notebook , and a pen , and I continued to write down my dreams . I thought I might as well . The police would search my cell every now and again , and confiscate them . They even moved me to solitary . Made sure no one could be feeding me this information . Or , presumably , that I wasn 't ordering the killings . But the dreams continued . They were getting worse and worse . Every morning I woke up feeling like I had not slept . I guess at least things looked up , because they took me from prison . They drove me along country lanes , towards a building . I can 't tell you precisely where it was . It just looked like an old school to be honest . You 'd never have guessed it was an intelligence headquarters . They bundled me out into an empty building . You 've heard of the secret prisons . Well , they are true . They dressed me up in a uniform , tagged my ankle , and locked me in a cage . The only thing they gave me was some paper and a pen to write down my dreams . Sometimes people came to research me . They put me in scanners , and gave me all kinds of medical tests . The results were unsurprising . I was just a normal , healthy individual . And that was how it seemed I was destined to live for the rest of my life . Until I started to hear the voices . They were low . Just like someone was talking in the next room . Distant . And I couldn 't make them out . That night I was tossing and turning , and I heard someone shout out my name . I woke up . No one was there . Then I tried to get asleep again , and managed it . But the voice was insistent . Nothing answered me . The guards walked past my cell . But with the dreams and the voices , I was getting no sleep . It started to affect me so badly I would not even eat food . Within a few days I was exhausted . Mentally and physically drained . And I guess that is what the creatures wanted . Because soon they broke through . It 's hard to tell you how it felt . But if you have ever had a moment of shock , when you suddenly feel like you aren 't there , you 'll know . He said his name . And then the voice faded away . But I knew I had to do precisely what he told me . I 'd go mad otherwise . Maybe I was already mad . The opportunity came sooner than I expected . My handlers were getting anxious . I was producing less predictions than normal , and the federal conviction rate was plummeting through the floor . The handlers looked like model citizens . Dark suits , a man and a woman dressed formally , like they were lawyers . They flashed their badge to me . I don 't know why , the fact I was in a prison gave them away . The police officer fell back . You could see him working it through in his mind . Despite the success of my predictions , he settled on the conclusion I was mad . After all , psychic phenomena were impossible . He 'd read that once . I shook my head . But that night , I was thinking about it , and decided that I had to ask . Had to have a conversation , if only for my sanity . When the voices started up , I leaned forward in my bed . I asked the question again . But he would say nothing of use to me . he would only repeatedly ask me to find his killers . Not very useful . Eventually , I managed to coax his name from him . Nigel . Not a very good name for a joke . That was the strange thing . No murder victims of that name came up . Not any time soon . But a week later , a Nigel disappeared . And I realised the truth . I looked through the court reports . He had been killed by stabbing . They wouldn 't let me out of the jail . So all I could do was read the files they brought on him . And I got the feeling that many of the details had been redacted . it was like looking for a haystack in an elephant : messy and not very satisfactory . There were only two people I decided who could have done it . They both had a great deal to gain . At the end of the day , though , there is a limit to what you can do from inside a jail cell . The guards looked sceptically at me when I asked for it . But I was responsible for half the murder arrests in the district for the last six months . So they eventually gave me what I wanted . Especially when I refused to furnish them with any more information . I don 't know if you have ever been to a proper séance . Well , to be honest , most of the time the knocks are from the medium . But this time it was different . Within moments of the séance starting , I was aware that the room was colder . Then the entire board lifted off the table , and flew towards me . It hit the wall a few inches from my face . The room warmed up again . The presence was gone . For a little while . " I didn 't " I replied . I knew that he didn 't believe me . But he would have to show more senior people . And I knew they couldn 't afford to risk me . I went back to bed . For the first time in weeks , I had no bad dreams . I guess Nigel knew I understood his message . I slept very soundly . Until the next morning . But my guards didn 't really understand . Or they did not want to understand . My handler met me in the interview room the next morning . He looked tired . Besides him sat a man I hadn 't seen before . He wore the cleanest , most expensive suit I had seen during my stay at the states pleasure . The man stood up . He walked out of the room . Measured , and without menace . But he didn 't seem to be a man used to dealing with no . My handler shook his head . He didn 't need to tell me the consequences . All of a sudden , I was put on suicide watch . Woken up every thirty minutes to see if I wasn 't dead yet . The heating in my cell surprisingly broke . I knew I was in their hands totally . But I never realised what it was like to displease them . You see , Nigel might be a ghost , but that doesn 't mean he is stupid . He can see what is happening . He knows they are stopping me doing what he wants . And this gets him angry . They first times he acted , it looked like coincidence . The guards chair would tilt under him , depositing him on the floor . Or cups of coffee were not placed firmly enough on the table . The guards were spooked by me . They knew that I was able to see things they could not . But although the guards face became pale , his hand on the trigger was steady and firm . It was too late . The chair slammed into the guard . He dropped to the floor . Then I saw the guards keys float from his pocket . My cell door was unlocked . I walked over to the guard , stripped his clothes off , and changed into his uniform . I thought I didn 't have much of a choice . If I didn 't do what Nigel wanted he would kill me . Every door I came to slid open without me doing anything . It would have been creepy if I didn 't know what was happening . Soon the alarms started to ring out . People would be grabbing their guns , getting ready to shoot me . I could feel my heart trying to escape from my chest . I soon arrived at fire exit . It opened in front of me . I climbed down some steps . Below me , I could see coppers swarming . I continued to walk down . One of the coppers recognised me . I ran in the opposite direction . He took aim , and I could hear the gun explode behind me . But the bullet didn 't pierce my skin like I expected . Instead , it ended in the ground . I reached a police car , and the engine came on without anyone doing anything . Then I went into a store and bought black trousers and a white shirt . Got changed . And walked out of the shopping centre , expecting to be caught at any time . In my pocket there was five hundred dollars . That was all I had in the world , except for an insane ghost . I decided it was time to go to the library . After chatting to the librarian for a few seconds , she walked me over to a computer which had copies of the local papers for the last twenty years . I typed a search . At first I found nothing , but as I expanded the search back I found him . According to the interview , he was found murdered in his bed . He had been asleep . His wife had been charged and convicted of his murder . But she said she was innocent . Nothing came in response . I knew that would happen . It was too much to hope for . It was getting late at night . The librarian was fussing near me . It was time to go . When you are a fugitive , it isn 't as simple to find a place to stay as booking a room in a hotel . I walked round , looking for an empty house . It took me an hour . Occasionally a police car would go past . It made me nervous . At one time it would have been a posh bungalow . But whoever had owned it had been taken to a care home , and it was covered in weeds and neglect . I walked up to the door , and it swings open . That is one of the advantages of your own private poltergeist . Inside it was a mess . But dry and water proof . There was a wood burning stove in one room . The power was off , and Nigel didn 't turn it on . But the water was only off at the mains . It was easy enough to get it working again . In the morning I would have to start the process of searching for Nigel Slater . I knew roughly where he lived . I fell asleep , and woke up hungry and cramped . Outside , I could hear rustling . I peeked through the window , and could see a man dressed only in black . He looked like he was not very friendly . I ducked down , but he must have seen me . He edged towards the door . It was locked , but he slammed it open . I hid behind the sofa . it didn 't help . He walked towards me . I noticed he had a poker in his hand . There was no way he wouldn 't find me . I stood up . I looked over at him . He had a long scar down his face . it seemed like he was used to trouble . And he was straining to start a fight . I did what he said . He followed me . I thought he might hit me at any second . or recognise me . They must have put my picture out into the news by now . I sighed with relief , but knew that my location might be passed onto the police . I decided it was time to get out of the town . I caught a bus , and tried to hide my face . Since I hadn 't had a bath for a few days it was easier than you might think . People did not want to look me in the eyes . I arrived at Nigel 's house six hours latter . It was a solemn house . A plane front garden laid to grass , brick frontage , and white windows . It didn 't look like anyone had ever cared for it . It looked like it was a place to sleep and not to stay . It took me a few minutes to settle down , and watch the street . There was nothing extraordinary about it . A few people walked past , taking little interest in the stranger . After watching for half an hour , I knew there was little information here for me . Talking round the local shops I found out that Nigel had been a quiet man . Few people knew him , past his saying hello . he didn 't seem to have been involved in anything wrong . or indeed in anything at all . I decided that there could only really have been one source of trouble . He must have found out something at work . Something that made him worth more to someone dead than alive . I got some annual reports from his company and studied them . Amazing what is available on the internet these days . There was little of interest . I applied to work at Nigel 's company as a cleaner . it was a big risk . I supplied false references , and knew they would not check them for months . That 's the thing about cleaners . No one takes any notice . So I got the job , and examined the work place thoroughly . It looked like an office . The computers were always on . Once or twice I looked over the shoulder of someone working but it was all gobbledygook to me . To make it worse , I saw my face on the newspaper when I went for food . Sure , I looked a lot different now . I had grown longer hair , a beard , and was thinner . But it was still me . I grew suspicious of other people . Then came my big break . Several people were working in the office late . I overhead them speaking about a billion dollar deal . The company was getting bought out . I checked the internet , and there was something in the trade section . The routine was the same every day . But one of my colleagues had not turned up to work . So I was asked to clean the main office . I did so . But I did more than that , I broke into the file cabinets , and started reading company secrets . But that didn 't save me for long . The next day I arrived at work a few minutes earlier . Something told me that things were wrong . The security guard on the gate was new . He told me to go out to the bosses office . I walked into a small lab , and looked around . There was a window , and I tried to open it . In the distance I could see five police cars . The window wouldn 't open . There was only one way out . And I knew that by now , there would be police officers between me and the door . I looked round to find a chair . Then used it to break the window . The alarm went , and I slid through the empty hole . But I caught my shoulder on a shard of glass . I was bleeding . The police gave up their pretence . Dozens of sirens started up , heading towards the building . I ran through a green space . I knew that there was only one way out of the compound except the front gate . A hole in the fence I had noticed a few days earlier . But over head their was a helicopter . Although I ran like the wind , it wasn 't enough . I could hear the police men getting closer and closer . I turned around and saw two police officers . They both had guns pointed at me . I raised my hands , and they soon had me on the ground . I arrived at my destination a few hours latter . This time they were taking no chances . I arrived at a super maximum prison . Surrounded by barbed wire , dogs , and armed police officers it was obvious I 'd never get out . The next day the interrogation began . Again and Again . Asking me where I had gone . What I had done . I eventually broke down and told them everything . But that didn 't stop them continuing . Maybe what they were doing was no crime . But it was a form of torture . Eventually , the interrogations stopped . They gave me paper . They wanted to go back to how it used to be . But by that time I had got so angry , even when I did have a dream I kept it to myself . I wasn 't there . So all I can do is repeat the report that was made to me . No guarantee it is what happened . Apparently the director of the FBI had been having an extramarital affair . He was in bed that normal , and engaging in exercise at the same time . This was not expected , but what was even more unexpected was the windows opening wide . And the explosions of a gun . The director of the FBI 's gun . But I do know that it made the national news . The assistant director of the FBI resigned . And , to be frank , most of the people in the FBI did not care much about that . But it was fair warning . He didn 't seem to be exactly happy about what had happened . In fact , he stormed in to the visiting room , and let loose a barrage of swear words . I sat there passively , listening to him . When he calmed down sufficiently , he sat down . " Nigel was right . All he wants is his murderer found . But he isn 't going to stop . Not until that is done . Not even if he has to kill someone else to do it . " " No . I am not . Nigel is a threat to you . If you stand in the way , that is . He is a ghost . What can you do to get rid of him ? " The director of the FBI thought for a few seconds . An hour latter , a priest turned up with bell , book and candle . it didn 't work spectacularly . The power went off , the candle blew out , the bell rang , and the book was thrown across the room . The director gestured to the mirror and two toughs walked in . They carried some rope . They tied me to the chair , and lifted a cosh over their heads . Then all hell broke lose . The cosh swung back by itself . it raised into the air , and came down , laying out one of the thugs . The other caught me a glancing blow , but something unseen lifted him from the floor and threw him against the wall . " You have a choice . Director . Help find Nigel 's killer . Or , I think , Nigel will chase you down and gut you like a fish . " Eventually the Director settled down again . He sat in his chair , silently looking at me . I wasn 't a pretty picture . Thin , and in prison coveralls . I must have looked like a real criminal . They let me go that afternoon . Put me in a suit , and told me I was seconded to the FBI . I was even given my own agent . He was tall , thin , and looked every inch the government man . The agent shook his head . He gave nothing away . That was when I knew he wasn 't sent to help me . Just to keep an eye out on me . Nevertheless , I decided that I could use him . Like he wanted to use me . I looked over to him , and told him to get a warrant . We were going to search Nigel 's company . And read every damn bit of paper they had about Sigma . When we arrived at the door , they had their lawyer sorted out already . Someone must have leaked it . He looked like he had cost a lot of money . " I 'm afraid we have the right not to incriminate ourselves . We are asserting that right . Both as a company , and as individuals . So , no , you can ask any questions but we will not answer them . " I was surprised when I found the clue . It was something no one else would have noticed . A single envelope in the bin . It contained an address . I think Nigel must have been helping me . I was drawn to it . But the thing I noticed was the fact the address had a Sigma stamp . Once we were out of the building , I decided to break away from the FBI agent . I knew some things would work better on my own . it was easier said than done . When I tried to go for a walk that night , he insisted on staying right by me . Getting to the address was difficult . I didn 't have a car , I had to take the bus . Most of the journey there wasn 't even that . And it had began to rain . I must have looked odd , walking around town that late at night , soaked . In fact , I surprised no copper stopped me . " Good enough , " I said . Knowing I was lying as I said it . It wasn 't like it was my strong point . The expression on the coppers face showed he thought not either . He stood there behind me his mouth opened , as I shimmied the lock . it opened . I walked in . This was a mistake , I didn 't notice the small CCTV camera , the camera that was hidden in a plug socket . But it was sending my picture right up to the security office . I worked quickly , going up the stairs to the office . I don 't know what I had expected to see . But what I did see looked just like any other office . Even down to the half drunk cup of coffee . I woke up in the boot of a car . I could feel the engine running , and smell burning petrol . It was pick black . The car started off , bumping along the ground . Hitting me from side to side . My hands were tied behind my back . It was lucky I knew a little magic . I got the knot loose without much effort . Then I grovelled around the car to find something , anything that could help me . There was a wrench , which I picked up . I put the rope around my wrists , hiding the fact I was loose . And put the wrench in my pocket . The boot of the car swung open . One of the security guards lifted me out of the boot . He was covered in muscle . My mouth opened wide . That was the last thing I expected to hear . They marched me along the ground and I saw him for the first time . Nigel . Alive . Then the room went strange . Something turned the lights off , and opened the windows . It even raised a chair off the ground . The security guard looked worried for the first time . " For the last month , I have been searching for the person who killed Nigel Slater . You , sir , are Nigel Slater . But it seems your ghost hasn 't got the information you are alive . " But it didn 't work . By the time that the ambulance arrived , Nigel was in a deep coma . It took only a short time after that until the first homicide detective got there . But the truth is , it was fate . No ones fault . Except the murderer . After all , how can Nigel Slater 's ghost come into my dreams unless he is actually killed ? What happened next surprised me . The cops arrested me . Told me I was being held on suspicion of murder . I told them not to be idiots , but they wrote it in their notebooks and not their minds . By that point the clues would be getting stale , so I drove right to the company . But they wouldn 't let me in . it was a police investigation , they said . No dice . I called the FBI agent and asked him to run the full scan on Slater . By the time he had finished I would know every single family member . And all I had to do was interview them . The only clue left to me was Sigma . The company was closed for a few hours , but the managing director wasn 't . Again the FBI came to my rescue . They had the address , and I wasn 't afraid to use it . We walked up the garden path . It wasn 't the most luxurious house that a managing director had ever lived at . But I knocked on the door anyway . I walked in . Behold , the group was all there . The director of the FBI himself . The attorney general . And a four star general . I could feel the back of my assistant straightening up . The Managing Director pressed a button on the TV . It switched on . Nigel Slater 's office . I saw him pick up his glass . Put the chemicals in it . The MD fast forwarded . Nigel killed himself . " Oil . We got him to produce computer models . All the oil reserves . He was so great . . . well , he could produce a program that told us exactly where oil was , just from satellite images . " Just at that moment a dozen armed guards came into the room . Their guns were pointed right at me . I raised my hands , and was soon plunged into the carpet . They searched me . Didn 't find anything interesting . " Yeah . But I don 't think you did it . I don 't think you were that smart . But I don 't know what this being who calls himself Nigel Slater is , " I didn 't struggle . By now , them putting handcuffs on me was almost routine . I just wish I had been able to continue my life as a charlatan . I didn 't know what to say to that . it was true . it was obvious when you think about it . Nigel had told me he was murdered when he was still alive . but no one ever said the soul was bound to the arrow of time . Within a few minutes we had picked up an escort . From what I could tell , they had closed the road down . Only we were travelling that evening . I gulped . It looked like things were just about to head for the worse . The trip to the Whitehouse was the most fraught I had experienced in my life . The director of the FBI was reading faxes and emails in the car . His face was getting more and more pale . " I guess like the English did in WWII . With disinformation . We need to get an Chinese agent and feed him bad info . And I guess Nigel might be your best hope for that . " I guess the FBI director caught on quickly . Because he could go anywhere , Nigel could listen to the Chinese chatter . He could find Chinese agents . Maybe he didn 't know Chinese , but he knew enough to listen in to the English language conversations . It wasn 't a new concept . The CIA had investigated it in the sixties . But they didn 't have a real life ghost , so their experiments failed . This time we had a real ghost . I asked them to pick out the Ouija board again . The séance room was a sight you had never seen in your life . The president and the director of the FBI holding hands , in a dark room . The president of the united states shook his head . You could tell he couldn 't believe what he was seeing . He got up from his seat , and you could almost hear his bones cracking . Over in the corner of the room I could see a computer with satellite images . I could watch the Chinese fleet mobilising in real time . The number of dots that represented aircraft carriers alone was scary . " It will only be a few days before we have to mobilise our own navy . " The wait was excruciating . But suddenly five hours latter , the board started spelling out a name . The FBI director went to work . Within minutes they had the file out . He didn 't look like what you would expect of a Chinese agent . He had long , blonde hair , was dressed in a respectable suit , and had a respectable job . He worked in the old navy base . His job was to work on the files , reading sensitive military information . Including information about resource allocation . Once they checked his bank account the truth became obvious . The FBI director stood up , and paced down the long thin corridor . Then he arrived back in the meeting room with a young woman . She was dressed in military uniform . He explained the plan . It was simple . The Chinese agent needed to think it had all been a hoax . But for that to work , he would have to eat a pack of lies . I wasn 't there , so I can report only what I have been told . The female agent I had been introduced to worked in the old navy headquarters . She worked in the files there . It is a room full of top secret papers . Room might be the wrong word ; it was the size of an aircraft hanger . She worked there , and had spent months being bored . So naturally , she had struck up a conversation with the handsome blonde military attaché . And , the conversation was reciprocated . The director of the FBI looked at her . She didn 't look like much to put the freedom of the world onto . But she was eager . And after being told what to do , she didn 't complain . She saluted . I stood at the back of the room , watching the Director of the FBI feeling out the officer , and knew I would have to talk to Nigel alone . I didn 't trust her . She looked too good to be true with her starched uniform and willing smile . The new agent went into a staff car , to be driven to the headquarters . She looked very lonely in the back of the car . Meanwhile , we walked to the operations room . There was a banks of monitors the length of the room . We could see satellite images of the build up of the Chinese fleet , as well as real time updates of our spies . I nodded . Then looked back over to the screens . I could see our agent depositing the papers in her draw . She phoned up the Chinese agent , and set up dinner . It looked like a glorious feast . Roast duck , with all the trimmings . The doorbell went . She walked over to it , and opened it . She said something , and the Chinese agent walked into the room . After ten minutes of conversation , she walked away . To go to the toilet . He walked over to the draws , and started rummaging . After a few minutes he found the file our agent had left . He took out the smallest camera you have ever seen , and clicked the image . After that , he put the files away . After he left , the confirmation came thick and fast . The Chinese fleet disbanded . It was amazing to see , but they split up within a matter of hours . Soon the sea around Taiwan was empty except for commercial shipping . I guess that if this had been a story that would be it . I would have been given a party , a celebration , and been allowed to leave . After all , I had saved the day . Well , Nigel did leave . I haven 't heard from him since . After they had finished celebrating , a guard collected me , and drove me in a prison van to here . It is a cold concrete cell . I am allowed a TV , and to write carefully vetted letters . I 'm not sure how I will post this , my story . Maybe I will write it under the postage stamp . I guess for an old crook like me , it is fair . But I wish I had been sent to jail for something I did . And not for some trumped up terrorist charge . Currently we only offer payment for one story selected as the feature story in the monthly pdf magazine only . The successful author will be contacted to organise payment via paypal for a $ 5AUD payment . 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The ship swayed and creaked . He feels every bit of it in his body . Taking no chances the crew , damnedable pirates , have chained him with no give . Legs bound in a kneeling position , arms chained to either wall crucifying him to the ship like a perverse figurehead , he 's been their captive long enough to have forgotten the feel of kindness . It is a small blessing that their fear of him keeps his gag in place at all times . It keeps them from coming anywhere near him . The captain learned a long time ago that he gleans all he needs to live from the moisture in the air , the brine in his eyes . During storms , when he is strongest , the captain posts guards with him . They don 't look at him . A terrible hope fills him today . By the movement of the ship and the crew 's curses , he knows that they 're being pursued by another ship . This ship is a runner , fast . There 'd be little concern of capture if the ship did not gain its quickness from being light , gain its lightness from having little room for armaments or supplies . The pursuers have had them going for a week now and they 'd been out of port for at least a month . He knows from the panic in the crew that the food is all but gone . Soon they 'll be too weak to load what small guns are aboard . He 'd be surprised if they could remember how to sight the cannons it 's been so long since the captain has ordered them used . His hope stems from the pirates ' desperation . If they succumb to practicality then they 'll come for him . With frightened hearts and shaking hands , they 'll undo his chains and he 'll get to spend some time under the sky instead of under foot . So he waits for their desperation to bloom practicality . It does not take long . The first mate comes with three guards and the keys . It is always the first mate that comes to get him . The captain coming himself would make him a person that the captain fears , he wouldn 't last long once that got out among the crew . The first mate is the only one he trusts with the keys to his chains . " The captain wants to see you . " He speaks with a unique accent that comes with the ship 's pidgin of French , Spanish , and Greek . His ears hear the gibberish , but his mind provides him with the meaning . Slowly , they unchain his arms from the ship and secure them behind his back . The guards are afraid to touch him , unsure whether he 'll break or they 'll be infected with something . It strikes him as odd how religious some of these men are . Coming onto the deck , sea spray hits him in the face , covers his bare chest . He instantly feels more alive . He stands taller , muscles flex , the chains bite into his skin . They take him to the captain , standing at the aft of the ship . He stands beside the captain looking out at the wide ocean , the only thing marring their perfect view of the horizon the pursuers . The first mate and guards fold themselves into the three other men standing around them . The captain just stands there for a few minutes , ignoring him . This too is done to show the crew he will do this in his own time , to show that the man he keeps below decks does not frighten him . Around the gag , behind the locked mouth plate , he smiles . Only he and the captain know what he is , and he knows that the captain is frightened of that . " I have use of you . " From under his coat he draws out the key that only he is allowed to keep . He inserts into lock for the face plate . " If you hurt this ship my men will stab you and you will die before you can swim for freedom . Like always , yeah ? " He nods . It 's always the same threat . It vaguely occurs to him that this is only a half life . But then , the spirits would kill for half a life . The plate falls away and he spits the wooden wedge from his mouth . His tongue sticks out , tasting the salt in the air . He flexes his jaw , taking in the blue sky , the white clouds , the gentle waves . He smiles at the captain . Other than the crew 's swords there is very little compelling him . Finally , the captain 's annoyance at the delay shows on his face . He focuses on ship on the horizon . He tries not to think of the men on the ship . He knows he will have to answer for his actions one day , but he 's trying to postpone that day for as long as possible . " I 'm fine . Sorry . " The cabby 's eyes dart from the road to the rearview mirror and back . " I 'm good . I 'm okay . " The cabby 's eyes return to the road and stay there , Lawrence was prepared to keep reassuring him for the rest of the drive as long as he didn 't take his eyes off the road . " That jetlag 's a bitch , isn 't it ? " " Yeah , jetlag . " He doesn 't really feel like talking so he looks out the window . What he sees unsettles him so much that he almost closes his eyes again . Outside the cab desert stretched on for miles . When he 'd met the cabby at the airport he 'd been fine . They 'd been in the middle of a city . He preferred the buildings and people to the endless dry expanse . He tried to think of it as a sea of earth but it just made him queasy . He can 't help it , he closes his eyes . " We 're almost there , " the cabby rouses him . " If I 'd of known I wouldn 't have let you sleep at all . You wouldn 't believe how many people fall asleep in my cab from the airport . " The cabby keeps up a steady stream of chitchat for the next few minutes . Lawrence doesn 't say much , but he 's glad for the distraction . " Here we go , buddy . " He pulls up in front of an independent diner . Lawrence can tell the sign was made with care when it was painted , years in the desert sun has faded it badly . " They got good food here ? " " I don 't know . This is my first time here . " He pays the fare and steps out of the air - conditioned interior . His lips are immediately dry and cracked . The heat cuts him to the core as fast as it dried his lips , the urge to speak rises in him . He needs to escape this heat , he 's drowning in dryness . He rushes inside hoping that they 'll have air - conditioning . No such luck . The interior of the restaurant is as faded as the exterior . He seats himself , impatiently tapping his foot waiting for the waitress . He can hear the sound of the wind . Not the dry , lifeless wind of the desert , but the damp , alive wind of the storm . It 's calling to him , begging him to call out . He licks his lips with a tongue he can barely feel . He can 't help himself , the desert is antithesis for him . Why had he decided to come here ? To satisfy some adolescent curiosity ? He takes one long , shuttering breath . " The special , two of them , just bring me a pitcher of water . " His throat feels so dry . He has to speak now before he loses his chance . " Hmph ! " With blurry vision he watches her flounce back to the kitchen . He grabs the edge of the table to steady himself . He 's clenching his jaw by the time she comes back with a glass for him . He swallows half of it . The cool liquid fills him , calming him . Vision clears , hands stop shaking , the urge lessening . The torrent of wind in his ears shifts to a gentle breeze . How close had he come ? The waitress turns to leave again , he grabs her arm . " Can I get you anything else ? " She says it in such a way that makes Lawrence wonder if it 's actually a question . She tired of him he can tell . She 's too used to bullying the locals . He doesn 't trying to be nice to her , he just takes out a fifty and lays it on the table . " This is your tip if you keep bringing me pitchers of water . " Her eyes gleam slightly as she stares at the bill on the table . Slowly she puts the pitcher on the table . " Thank you . " He drains the rest of his glass and pours another . He finishes this one in three huge gulps . He doesn 't feel as trapped now , his breathing has evened out . He fills the glass a third time , finishing off the pitcher , but only sips this one . A couple minutes pass , the waitress brings his two specials and another pitcher . Lawrence only picks at his food . Between the desert and the age of the equipment in the diner the food is completely dry . Mainly he just cuts up the food and moves it around on his plate . Mainly he watches the people in the restaurant . He immediately discounts his waitress . Seeing her move around the diner , speaking with her , she 's spent most of her life trying to get away from this place . It 's a pity that she 'd never really feel like she belongs anywhere . An old man sits in another booth . He is weathered , his countenance telling the story of a life in the desert . Despite the heat of the day he 's drinking coffee . Lawrence would have considered him a likely candidate if his research didn 't tell him he is looking for someone younger . Besides the old man doesn 't look like he belongs here , only that he 's gotten used to living here . It 's an old style diner setup , so Lawrence can see the cook behind the half wall separating the kitchen from the dining area . Cook would be a wonderful job for who he 's looking for . The heat rising from the stove providing a fix for the cravings while at work . Though nothing compared to the natural heat of the desert it would do while at work . Unfortunately the cook is wearing a sleeveless shirt that 's plastered to his body with sweat . Lawrence 's heart falls . He 's not close enough to the cook to pick up a flow from him , but the fact that he 's sweating tells him all he needs to know . It 's possible his sources were wrong . It 's not easy to track a Bearer . The burden / gift they bear making it too hard to get a fix on them . He 's about to get up , throwing the contents of his glass down his throat , when the kitchen door swings open and a young man steps through . Lawrence puts his cup down and watches him . Something in the way he moves is different . Somehow his movements come off as light , almost bouncy . Even just clearing dishes from tables , his movements are quick , precise . He wears a t - shirt , jeans , and boots , all are cheap , but he still has an air of status . Lawrence notes that he 's not sweating . He looks up , checking for more stray dishes . Lawrence motions him over . " You finished with this , mister ? " Lawrence inhales and catches the scent of aged stone . " Sorry , mister , I 'm just here for the dishes . You 'll want to try Craiper St . around ten tonight . " He grabs a plate , Lawrence grabs his wrist . Sun … Heat … Dry … Sand … Lawrence pulls his hand away , palm red . Perspiration stands out on the young man 's brow now , fear in his eyes . He slides into the booth across from Lawrence . Lawrence pours another glass of water and waits for the boy to say something . " I 'm on break ! " She throws up her hands and goes back into the kitchen . Tito smiles at Lawrence . " Let 's go outside . " Lawrence downs his water and follows him out and around the diner . " I 'm Benjamin Fuller , but everyone calls me , Tito . Now who the hell are you ? " It 's a fair question . If he doesn 't know what he is then he 's probably really freaked out . Lawrence can 't blame him , he 's been there . " Ha , not likely , man . " Tito looks skeptical , very skeptical . There 's at least fifteen years between them . And while Tito isn 't a full blooded Mexican , Lawrence can tell at least one of his parents is , while Lawrence couldn 't be more white without being an albino . It 's hard to believe . " I don 't mean biologically . I mean spiritually . " Tito 's face is instantly serious . " You can feel it , can 't you ? That subtle , tickling at the back of your brain that makes you feel like you know me , even while at your core I unsettle you . " " Yes . " Tito looks so relieved that it breaks Lawrence 's heart . He knows what it 's like to finally have this explained . Lawrence had spent three years in a mental hospital trying to deal by himself . Tito is a strong young man . " Where is there open desert ? " Tito points down an alley . Lawrence starts walking , Tito doesn 't need to be told to follow , he falls into step next to Lawrence careful not to touch him . They come out the other end of the alley seeing open land . For Lawrence it 's as close to nothing as he ever wants to get . Longing fills Tito 's eyes . " I want to share something with you . Watch out there . " Lawrence takes a deep breath and centers himself . The urge to speak has been growing since they stepped out of the diner , the dryness creeping in to all his dark places . Tito 's hands fly up to cover his ears . " Ah ! What the hell ? " FLASH ! BOOM ! The thunder cuts off any further curses . Tito 's gaze is drawn out to the desert , where black storm clouds have formed out of nowhere . The fear is back in his eyes , he retreats till his back hits the wall to the building . " What have you done ? " " I spoke my Word . We 're Word Bearers , Tito . You have your own . Can you feel it ? Deep in core . " Lawrence can see he 's confused . He 's frightened , overwhelmed . FLASHBOOM ! " You can stop this , Tito . Go ahead . Say your Word . I want to hear it . " " I don 't … I 'm not sure . " Confusion and fear war on Tito 's face . Lawrence hopes he won 't run . He didn 't mean to scare the boy . " Of course you 're sure . You 've known it for centuries , you just haven 't spoken it yet . It 's okay . I 'm here with you . " His first step is hesitant , his second is firm , his third is confident . Lawrence realizes he 's holding his breath . Tito looks up at him , he nods . Tito fixes his gaze on the storm . " " There it is . It 's as quiet as Lawrence 's Word is loud , but no less powerful . It 's so beautiful . As Lawrence watches the storm clouds dissipate a tear rolls down his cheek . 2 Dad suffered even from a sight of blood , and he never killed a hen nor slaughtered a pig . But I was aware that once he had donated his blood in the name of my Mum still , because she 'd had a narrow escape on an operating table then . With me a doctor would have my blood tested in a moment : one , two and it 's done . But first they make you ready for rather a time : take a seat , then have a proper finger chosen , though it is always just the one , then they wipe it with spirits until take somewhat sharp like a mini - scalpel . Not everyone can stand the procedure , but I was not against it when a doctor suggested me having my blood tested . She was a likable one , youngish for her age , not married or divorced , probably . And she had no child , I felt it immediately , she had such a look , barren if you want . Possibly for health reasons she could not bear a child or she didn 't find a right man . Or she could have a particular blood group not to have a child with anyone , that 's why she employed at a doctor 's consulting room to make blood tests . And she urged me to have my blood tested . At first I didn 't mind it , the right thing it is , still she didn 't ask my permission . " Just let 's have your blood tested " , she said and left me . She had many things to do I suppose . In doctor 's smocks they walked hither and thither all the time at a clinic there talking over the heads of those waiting , as if one was dead already . And I was still alive and a nurse was preparing to have my blood tested . While she got me ready she was chattering . She said that men were afraid of blood testing nowadays . More and more they refused to do it and ran away sometimes seeing a drop of blood . And one had nothing to fear , there was a couch behind the curtain in a special emergency to lie low , in case one fainted . She pulled the white curtain aside and showed me a couch with dark green leatherette and I shivered all at once : what for they needed my blood ? She suggested me taking off a jacket and rolling up my sleeve , left or right one , I don 't rMy Bio : Mr . Valery Petrovskiy is a journalist and short story writer from Russia . Не is an English Department graduate at Chuvash State University , Cheboksary , graduated in journalism at VKSch Higher School , Moscow and in psychology at Kazan State Technology University . He has been writing prose since 2005 . Some of his writing has been published in The Scrambler , Rusty Typer , BRICKrethoric , NAP Magazine , Literary Burlesque , The Other Room , Curbside Quotidian , DANSE MACABRE , WidowMoon Press , PRIME MINCER , Apocrypha and Abstractions , The Legendary in the USA , and in Australian " Skive " and " Going Down Swinging " magazines . At the moment he is writer - in - residence at Marco Polo Art Mag . It 's dark in here . That 's because I live at the bottom of the jewellery box along with the other outcasts : the tangled necklace with the broken lobster claw and teddy pendant she got for her eleventh birthday , along with the bracelet that 's missing a couple of gem stones . She always says she will have them repaired but never does , preferring to spend the money on more fashionable pieces instead that imitate Asian and Oriental designs . An untrained eye might imagine that they were found by a back - packer on their travels , but they weren 't . They can be bought from any shop on the high - street , and are merely echoes of worlds she 's never seen . Not all of us down here are broken though . I 'm not , and neither is the engagement ring she got from Mark , ( who eventually cheated on her with Shannon from Reception , ) or the belly bar she took out when she put weight on and decided looked too young for her anyway . The ones at the top who get worn more often pity us , ( ' how boring it must be , ' they say to each other in whispers they think we can 't hear , ' being cooped up down there , month in , month out , ' ) but in a way they 're jealous . As I 've said , you could buy them in their hundreds if you wanted to , and they are without sentimental value like the childhood necklace or the belly bar that reminds her of her wild teens and early twenties . They 're easily replaced and she gives them away when they become outdated - or chucks them if even her younger sister and the charity shops say no , thanks . She doesn 't like Mark 's ring or me , so it isn 't often that her fingers dig through the chunky bangles and strings of beads to bring me to the surface . It happens maybe three or four times a year when she has arranged to visit The Matriarch . The ring doesn 't even get a look in . Why Mark wouldn 't let her give it back to him so that he could give it to someone he did love is beyond us ; at least that way it would have been enjoyed . All the same , seeing as I 'm an heirloom and the ring is eighteen carat white goPerhaps you imagine I get bitter when the voices of the favoured ones float above my head , chattering away about their ventures out of the box : days at work , dinners , dates , parties and who was there , who wasn 't there , what she wore … you get the drift . Or worse , maybe you feel sorry for me . I 'd rather you didn 't . Pity the rest but not me . I 'm not so keen on their weight pressing down on me but I don 't mind the dark . In fact I quite like it . It reminds me of home , my real one , from before I met people . As for being bitter , you can rule that out . I 'm a pearl , darling ; it 's not in my nature . You lot have seen me as a symbol of love for thousands of years and I do try to live up to my name by being kind - although I cannot help but wince sometimes at the irony , given that the first person I ever met died . Don 't look at me like that ; it wasn 't my fault . But that 's why she doesn 't like me . All the same , when you 've being kept in a family for over a century you do take an interest in your present owner , even if it 's not reciprocated , so I enjoy listening to the young ones ' gossip . Let them have their fun while they still can . The best they can hope for is a place in a child 's dressing - up box in just a few , short years so they might as well enjoy it . 2 . Memories . I might be old - fashioned and be from a past that she and you would rather forget , but I 'm not like your kind . I will endure and outlive the others , her - even you . And I never forget . My memory doesn 't grow weak with age , it gets stronger . I can still smell what my home was like ; still feel the movements of the person who found me when he panicked and rushed too quickly to the top , and the urgent , grasping hand of the first , but different person to ever touch me , as though I 'd only stopped smelling and feeling them a minute ago . The memories of my owners and the events in their lives play like the films you are so fond of ; the moment when her grandfather proposed to her grandmother , and the christening of her mother , they are a3 . Before she grew up . I suppose you think it strange that her grandmother , ( or The Matriarch as she jokingly calls her , ) skipped a generation and gave me to someone who doesn 't like me , but it never used to be this way . When she was little and used to visit her grandmother she would ask , ( very politely after giving her a peck on the cheek , ) if she could play with her jewellery box . The answer was always yes , and she would very carefully hunt through the diamonds and gold to find me , pin me to her jumper and wear me for the rest of the time she was there . It became something of a ritual , to the point where her grandmother began to pick me out herself and would put me on the coffee table ready for when she arrived . When she was eighteen , The Matriarch had a heart attack , and fearing that she would never leave hospital , insisted on the girl 's mother driving for two hours to get me , so that she could give me to her personally before it was too late . They were very close , and still are in spite of the distance , for she survived against all the odds . Whenever she goes to see her she always comments on how lovely it is , seeing her granddaughter all grown up , wearing her old brooch that 's always been her favourite . And I was for a time . Traditionally I was only worn for a special or significant occasion , but when she was at college I had the strange but enjoyable experience of being put in her pocket and going with her , and if she felt nervous about something her fingers would slide down to stroke me . Normally I hated people manhandling me , but I didn 't mind in her case - it was better than her biting her nails . It was almost as if she thought that having me with her would stop something bad happening - and I have been viewed as ' lucky . ' Stop sniggering , it 's true . In the days of knights and sword - fighting , we would be worn when the rich and noble went into battle because they thought we would protect them from harm , so don 't laugh at her . It felt good , being wanted , and I have to confess I came in danger You don 't like being reminded of your past - those days of glory when Britain ruled half the world . I think that 's why you apologise so much , and give more than you can afford to charities trying to save the poor and starving around the globe . It 's almost as though you 're trying to make up for all the wrongs done before you were born . And I 've tried to avoid talking about it in case you ran away - I get lonely sometimes and it 's nice having someone to talk to . But you can 't run forever , things have to be faced eventually . Some of you may already know and may already be trying to shut out the sound of my words by turning your thoughts to the plans you 've made for the weekend , but there 'll be a lot of you who don 't . There are lots of happy anecdotes from my owners ' lives I could have told you but this is the one you need to hear : My story . We are not like your kind , but there is one thing we have in common : just as you can 't remember coming out of the womb , we don 't know what it was like being a grain of sand or piece of shell squeezing our way inside an oyster and hardening ; all I remember is being . There were no thoughts , for when you live inside a shell there isn 't a great deal to think about - nothing happens . That probably sounds dull to you but there was no sadness , no pain or death . It was peaceful , just being . I didn 't know this at the time but even nothing has to come to an end eventually : the day would always have come when I would be found . It will be hard for you to understand what it was like being taken out of water , hearing sounds , seeing colours and light - all for the first time . On paper it sounds great , this explosion of life , but the reality was frightening - and even fear was something I had never heard of or felt before . Maybe that 's why your newborns usually cry when they come out , because they 're scared and want to go back . I 'm trying to think of ways to describe how it was to you , and the only way I can think of is for you to imagine an ancient Egyptian being placed in the middle of a supermarket . That might give you a better idea , but even that doesn 't come close . I 've learnt a lot since then - ( I 've had to , I didn 't have any other choice - ) but there 's one thing I 've never been able to get my head around , and that is time . Your lives are ruled by clocks and diaries telling you when deadlines or birthdays are due , but when you have so much time whole years , even decades can pass you by . Forgive me then , if I am a little hazy on dates . What I can tell you is that I was brought to the surface in the late 1800s , which makes me special . There aren 't many of us that come from nature now . Most are made by man in bulk on farms . Things changed . You suddenly became concerned about human life and diving equipment got better . Both meant that the world 's poor no were no longer forced to hold their breaths for comments » I knew that someone important was going to walk into my life at 12 : 15 , just after I normally drink tea and prepare for an slow day working on the horoscope . Now , maybe you might not believe me . After all , I am a professional charlatan . But I knew something was up , because for the last two weeks every prediction I have made actually worked out . It started when I saw Mrs Henderson . She was a fat woman , an unpleasant woman , a great client . Like most people who wanted a reading , she didn 't want the truth . And normally I didn 't give it to her . I pulled out the equipment . It was a plain set . It looked like bone china , but was made in china for a very low price . Mrs Henderson looked impressed anyway . She had a lot of money , and not a lot of sense . Anyway , I started reading the information contained in the tea leafs . And then the world went blank . When I returned to the world , Mrs Henderson was gone . I walked out of the shop I had rented , and another of the shopkeepers came up to me . He was normally an quiet , amicable chap . This time he looked like he wanted to throttle me . " She came out of here . Howling and crying , like you 'd tried to kill her . " he put his face up to mine , " You ever do it again and I 'll . . " " I don 't know what you 're talking about , " and I backed away from him . He stalked off . I walked back to my shop , ready to wait for my next appointment . Mrs Abbot didn 't come . She left a nervous message on my answer phone . At the time I didn 't realise why . Because I had no other clients for the day , I went home . My mouth opened wide . It was such a shock , it seemed like I 'd just been told I was about to die . And then . Then I was in my bed , looking at the ceiling . The police officers had gone . But it felt more real than a dream . It must have been a dream . Yeah , that was what it was , I convinced myself . Although I should have known better . In Ireland you can make a full time living as a psychic . less so in England . The English wouldn 't even pay you if you could predict the lottery . So I also work as a pitchman . Which , if you think about it , is just another way to make a dishonest buck . I walked to the nearest boot sale , and set up . It isn 't too crowded in the morning . And everyone is busy . So I crawl in through the hedge . They don 't know that I 'm there against the rules . I set up . My table is old fashioned . A suitcase with legs you fold out . Like the true pitchmen of the 50 's . My pitch is the worm . They wiggle around my hand , like they are alive . The fools in the crowd gave me money . That is what they are for . She had the longest blondest hair this side of fairyland , and her smile lights up the room like a flashlight . And I knew I am meant to talk to her . Just now . She walked off . I had the sense she is in trouble . She was poorer than she used to be , her clothes were expensive , but last years fashion . I had a feeling I will meet her again . When I got there , there was Mrs Henderson and her husband . Their eyes were red . They had been crying . I couldn 't understand what they were there for . I managed to get them to leave . At first I thought that the gossip would help me . But the truth is , no one wants to go to a psychic that tells them the truth . Life is hard enough . You go to a psychic to hear lies . I made some money as a pitchman , so it didn 't affect me too much . But I kept on having bad dreams . I kept on seeing people I knew in them . Not just that , I saw how they died . Their pain . And I started to write down what I saw . In a book by my bedside cabinet . The extra time I had meant I was drinking more too . It was like I 'd been cursed . But the worst was the Christians . They decided that these dreams were inspired by Satan . They set up the picket line in front of my office . I started to think I should simply leave . On Wednesday , the cleaner came in . She was a nosy parker . And no mistake . Her husband had died a few years back , and she was interested in everything . While it 's not the way she put it , she was very interested in the diary . All the details of the different murders and deaths I 'd seen . All the factual details that no one else other than the murderer could know . She took it to the police , and they read it , and they got their warrant . I arrived back at the normal time , and nothing was different . The book was there . I didn 't notice the surveillance cameras . Not at all . They broke in that night . It wasn 't a dream . And I looked up to them bleary eyed , a gun pointing in my face , and swore . They dragged me towards the back of the car , and I noticed someone had decided to give the press warning . So it was very public . Once in , they took me right there . And kitted me out in fetching jail clothing , since I was still in pyjamas . This was the first time I was in jail , and I can tell you it is not as bad as some people say . There is an odd vinegar smell , hiding other bodily fluids . And it is never quiet . There is always shouting going on , and doors slammed . But it was no worse than some hotels I 've been in while performing . I looked across at my lawyer . Short , thin , balding and bored . The police officer had my diary in front of him . He picked it up . " In it , you 've got the details of dozens of murders . Information the police hasn 't released to the public . Information . . . dare I say it , in some cases that the police didn 't even know themselves . " And that was it . That was the full content of the interview . I was hustled off into the cell , and ended up waiting for days . In telephone conversations with friends , I knew the police were digging up my life . I was given a notebook , and a pen , and I continued to write down my dreams . I thought I might as well . The police would search my cell every now and again , and confiscate them . They even moved me to solitary . Made sure no one could be feeding me this information . Or , presumably , that I wasn 't ordering the killings . But the dreams continued . They were getting worse and worse . Every morning I woke up feeling like I had not slept . I guess at least things looked up , because they took me from prison . They drove me along country lanes , towards a building . I can 't tell you precisely where it was . It just looked like an old school to be honest . You 'd never have guessed it was an intelligence headquarters . They bundled me out into an empty building . You 've heard of the secret prisons . Well , they are true . They dressed me up in a uniform , tagged my ankle , and locked me in a cage . The only thing they gave me was some paper and a pen to write down my dreams . Sometimes people came to research me . They put me in scanners , and gave me all kinds of medical tests . The results were unsurprising . I was just a normal , healthy individual . And that was how it seemed I was destined to live for the rest of my life . Until I started to hear the voices . They were low . Just like someone was talking in the next room . Distant . And I couldn 't make them out . That night I was tossing and turning , and I heard someone shout out my name . I woke up . No one was there . Then I tried to get asleep again , and managed it . But the voice was insistent . Nothing answered me . The guards walked past my cell . But with the dreams and the voices , I was getting no sleep . It started to affect me so badly I would not even eat food . Within a few days I was exhausted . Mentally and physically drained . And I guess that is what the creatures wanted . Because soon they broke through . It 's hard to tell you how it felt . But if you have ever had a moment of shock , when you suddenly feel like you aren 't there , you 'll know . He said his name . And then the voice faded away . But I knew I had to do precisely what he told me . I 'd go mad otherwise . Maybe I was already mad . The opportunity came sooner than I expected . My handlers were getting anxious . I was producing less predictions than normal , and the federal conviction rate was plummeting through the floor . The handlers looked like model citizens . Dark suits , a man and a woman dressed formally , like they were lawyers . They flashed their badge to me . I don 't know why , the fact I was in a prison gave them away . The police officer fell back . You could see him working it through in his mind . Despite the success of my predictions , he settled on the conclusion I was mad . After all , psychic phenomena were impossible . He 'd read that once . I shook my head . But that night , I was thinking about it , and decided that I had to ask . Had to have a conversation , if only for my sanity . When the voices started up , I leaned forward in my bed . I asked the question again . But he would say nothing of use to me . he would only repeatedly ask me to find his killers . Not very useful . Eventually , I managed to coax his name from him . Nigel . Not a very good name for a joke . That was the strange thing . No murder victims of that name came up . Not any time soon . But a week later , a Nigel disappeared . And I realised the truth . I looked through the court reports . He had been killed by stabbing . They wouldn 't let me out of the jail . So all I could do was read the files they brought on him . And I got the feeling that many of the details had been redacted . it was like looking for a haystack in an elephant : messy and not very satisfactory . There were only two people I decided who could have done it . They both had a great deal to gain . At the end of the day , though , there is a limit to what you can do from inside a jail cell . The guards looked sceptically at me when I asked for it . But I was responsible for half the murder arrests in the district for the last six months . So they eventually gave me what I wanted . Especially when I refused to furnish them with any more information . I don 't know if you have ever been to a proper séance . Well , to be honest , most of the time the knocks are from the medium . But this time it was different . Within moments of the séance starting , I was aware that the room was colder . Then the entire board lifted off the table , and flew towards me . It hit the wall a few inches from my face . The room warmed up again . The presence was gone . For a little while . " I didn 't " I replied . I knew that he didn 't believe me . But he would have to show more senior people . And I knew they couldn 't afford to risk me . I went back to bed . For the first time in weeks , I had no bad dreams . I guess Nigel knew I understood his message . I slept very soundly . Until the next morning . But my guards didn 't really understand . Or they did not want to understand . My handler met me in the interview room the next morning . He looked tired . Besides him sat a man I hadn 't seen before . He wore the cleanest , most expensive suit I had seen during my stay at the states pleasure . The man stood up . He walked out of the room . Measured , and without menace . But he didn 't seem to be a man used to dealing with no . My handler shook his head . He didn 't need to tell me the consequences . All of a sudden , I was put on suicide watch . Woken up every thirty minutes to see if I wasn 't dead yet . The heating in my cell surprisingly broke . I knew I was in their hands totally . But I never realised what it was like to displease them . You see , Nigel might be a ghost , but that doesn 't mean he is stupid . He can see what is happening . He knows they are stopping me doing what he wants . And this gets him angry . They first times he acted , it looked like coincidence . The guards chair would tilt under him , depositing him on the floor . Or cups of coffee were not placed firmly enough on the table . The guards were spooked by me . They knew that I was able to see things they could not . But although the guards face became pale , his hand on the trigger was steady and firm . It was too late . The chair slammed into the guard . He dropped to the floor . Then I saw the guards keys float from his pocket . My cell door was unlocked . I walked over to the guard , stripped his clothes off , and changed into his uniform . I thought I didn 't have much of a choice . If I didn 't do what Nigel wanted he would kill me . Every door I came to slid open without me doing anything . It would have been creepy if I didn 't know what was happening . Soon the alarms started to ring out . People would be grabbing their guns , getting ready to shoot me . I could feel my heart trying to escape from my chest . I soon arrived at fire exit . It opened in front of me . I climbed down some steps . Below me , I could see coppers swarming . I continued to walk down . One of the coppers recognised me . I ran in the opposite direction . He took aim , and I could hear the gun explode behind me . But the bullet didn 't pierce my skin like I expected . Instead , it ended in the ground . I reached a police car , and the engine came on without anyone doing anything . Then I went into a store and bought black trousers and a white shirt . Got changed . And walked out of the shopping centre , expecting to be caught at any time . In my pocket there was five hundred dollars . That was all I had in the world , except for an insane ghost . I decided it was time to go to the library . After chatting to the librarian for a few seconds , she walked me over to a computer which had copies of the local papers for the last twenty years . I typed a search . At first I found nothing , but as I expanded the search back I found him . According to the interview , he was found murdered in his bed . He had been asleep . His wife had been charged and convicted of his murder . But she said she was innocent . Nothing came in response . I knew that would happen . It was too much to hope for . It was getting late at night . The librarian was fussing near me . It was time to go . When you are a fugitive , it isn 't as simple to find a place to stay as booking a room in a hotel . I walked round , looking for an empty house . It took me an hour . Occasionally a police car would go past . It made me nervous . At one time it would have been a posh bungalow . But whoever had owned it had been taken to a care home , and it was covered in weeds and neglect . I walked up to the door , and it swings open . That is one of the advantages of your own private poltergeist . Inside it was a mess . But dry and water proof . There was a wood burning stove in one room . The power was off , and Nigel didn 't turn it on . But the water was only off at the mains . It was easy enough to get it working again . In the morning I would have to start the process of searching for Nigel Slater . I knew roughly where he lived . I fell asleep , and woke up hungry and cramped . Outside , I could hear rustling . I peeked through the window , and could see a man dressed only in black . He looked like he was not very friendly . I ducked down , but he must have seen me . He edged towards the door . It was locked , but he slammed it open . I hid behind the sofa . it didn 't help . He walked towards me . I noticed he had a poker in his hand . There was no way he wouldn 't find me . I stood up . I looked over at him . He had a long scar down his face . it seemed like he was used to trouble . And he was straining to start a fight . I did what he said . He followed me . I thought he might hit me at any second . or recognise me . They must have put my picture out into the news by now . I sighed with relief , but knew that my location might be passed onto the police . I decided it was time to get out of the town . I caught a bus , and tried to hide my face . Since I hadn 't had a bath for a few days it was easier than you might think . People did not want to look me in the eyes . I arrived at Nigel 's house six hours latter . It was a solemn house . A plane front garden laid to grass , brick frontage , and white windows . It didn 't look like anyone had ever cared for it . It looked like it was a place to sleep and not to stay . It took me a few minutes to settle down , and watch the street . There was nothing extraordinary about it . A few people walked past , taking little interest in the stranger . After watching for half an hour , I knew there was little information here for me . Talking round the local shops I found out that Nigel had been a quiet man . Few people knew him , past his saying hello . he didn 't seem to have been involved in anything wrong . or indeed in anything at all . I decided that there could only really have been one source of trouble . He must have found out something at work . Something that made him worth more to someone dead than alive . I got some annual reports from his company and studied them . Amazing what is available on the internet these days . There was little of interest . I applied to work at Nigel 's company as a cleaner . it was a big risk . I supplied false references , and knew they would not check them for months . That 's the thing about cleaners . No one takes any notice . So I got the job , and examined the work place thoroughly . It looked like an office . The computers were always on . Once or twice I looked over the shoulder of someone working but it was all gobbledygook to me . To make it worse , I saw my face on the newspaper when I went for food . Sure , I looked a lot different now . I had grown longer hair , a beard , and was thinner . But it was still me . I grew suspicious of other people . Then came my big break . Several people were working in the office late . I overhead them speaking about a billion dollar deal . The company was getting bought out . I checked the internet , and there was something in the trade section . The routine was the same every day . But one of my colleagues had not turned up to work . So I was asked to clean the main office . I did so . But I did more than that , I broke into the file cabinets , and started reading company secrets . But that didn 't save me for long . The next day I arrived at work a few minutes earlier . Something told me that things were wrong . The security guard on the gate was new . He told me to go out to the bosses office . I walked into a small lab , and looked around . There was a window , and I tried to open it . In the distance I could see five police cars . The window wouldn 't open . There was only one way out . And I knew that by now , there would be police officers between me and the door . I looked round to find a chair . Then used it to break the window . The alarm went , and I slid through the empty hole . But I caught my shoulder on a shard of glass . I was bleeding . The police gave up their pretence . Dozens of sirens started up , heading towards the building . I ran through a green space . I knew that there was only one way out of the compound except the front gate . A hole in the fence I had noticed a few days earlier . But over head their was a helicopter . Although I ran like the wind , it wasn 't enough . I could hear the police men getting closer and closer . I turned around and saw two police officers . They both had guns pointed at me . I raised my hands , and they soon had me on the ground . I arrived at my destination a few hours latter . This time they were taking no chances . I arrived at a super maximum prison . Surrounded by barbed wire , dogs , and armed police officers it was obvious I 'd never get out . The next day the interrogation began . Again and Again . Asking me where I had gone . What I had done . I eventually broke down and told them everything . But that didn 't stop them continuing . Maybe what they were doing was no crime . But it was a form of torture . Eventually , the interrogations stopped . They gave me paper . They wanted to go back to how it used to be . But by that time I had got so angry , even when I did have a dream I kept it to myself . I wasn 't there . So all I can do is repeat the report that was made to me . No guarantee it is what happened . Apparently the director of the FBI had been having an extramarital affair . He was in bed that normal , and engaging in exercise at the same time . This was not expected , but what was even more unexpected was the windows opening wide . And the explosions of a gun . The director of the FBI 's gun . But I do know that it made the national news . The assistant director of the FBI resigned . And , to be frank , most of the people in the FBI did not care much about that . But it was fair warning . He didn 't seem to be exactly happy about what had happened . In fact , he stormed in to the visiting room , and let loose a barrage of swear words . I sat there passively , listening to him . When he calmed down sufficiently , he sat down . " Nigel was right . All he wants is his murderer found . But he isn 't going to stop . Not until that is done . Not even if he has to kill someone else to do it . " " No . I am not . Nigel is a threat to you . If you stand in the way , that is . He is a ghost . What can you do to get rid of him ? " The director of the FBI thought for a few seconds . An hour latter , a priest turned up with bell , book and candle . it didn 't work spectacularly . The power went off , the candle blew out , the bell rang , and the book was thrown across the room . The director gestured to the mirror and two toughs walked in . They carried some rope . They tied me to the chair , and lifted a cosh over their heads . Then all hell broke lose . The cosh swung back by itself . it raised into the air , and came down , laying out one of the thugs . The other caught me a glancing blow , but something unseen lifted him from the floor and threw him against the wall . " You have a choice . Director . Help find Nigel 's killer . Or , I think , Nigel will chase you down and gut you like a fish . " Eventually the Director settled down again . He sat in his chair , silently looking at me . I wasn 't a pretty picture . Thin , and in prison coveralls . I must have looked like a real criminal . They let me go that afternoon . Put me in a suit , and told me I was seconded to the FBI . I was even given my own agent . He was tall , thin , and looked every inch the government man . The agent shook his head . He gave nothing away . That was when I knew he wasn 't sent to help me . Just to keep an eye out on me . Nevertheless , I decided that I could use him . Like he wanted to use me . I looked over to him , and told him to get a warrant . We were going to search Nigel 's company . And read every damn bit of paper they had about Sigma . When we arrived at the door , they had their lawyer sorted out already . Someone must have leaked it . He looked like he had cost a lot of money . " I 'm afraid we have the right not to incriminate ourselves . We are asserting that right . Both as a company , and as individuals . So , no , you can ask any questions but we will not answer them . " I was surprised when I found the clue . It was something no one else would have noticed . A single envelope in the bin . It contained an address . I think Nigel must have been helping me . I was drawn to it . But the thing I noticed was the fact the address had a Sigma stamp . Once we were out of the building , I decided to break away from the FBI agent . I knew some things would work better on my own . it was easier said than done . When I tried to go for a walk that night , he insisted on staying right by me . Getting to the address was difficult . I didn 't have a car , I had to take the bus . Most of the journey there wasn 't even that . And it had began to rain . I must have looked odd , walking around town that late at night , soaked . In fact , I surprised no copper stopped me . " Good enough , " I said . Knowing I was lying as I said it . It wasn 't like it was my strong point . The expression on the coppers face showed he thought not either . He stood there behind me his mouth opened , as I shimmied the lock . it opened . I walked in . This was a mistake , I didn 't notice the small CCTV camera , the camera that was hidden in a plug socket . But it was sending my picture right up to the security office . I worked quickly , going up the stairs to the office . I don 't know what I had expected to see . But what I did see looked just like any other office . Even down to the half drunk cup of coffee . I woke up in the boot of a car . I could feel the engine running , and smell burning petrol . It was pick black . The car started off , bumping along the ground . Hitting me from side to side . My hands were tied behind my back . It was lucky I knew a little magic . I got the knot loose without much effort . Then I grovelled around the car to find something , anything that could help me . There was a wrench , which I picked up . I put the rope around my wrists , hiding the fact I was loose . And put the wrench in my pocket . The boot of the car swung open . One of the security guards lifted me out of the boot . He was covered in muscle . My mouth opened wide . That was the last thing I expected to hear . They marched me along the ground and I saw him for the first time . Nigel . Alive . Then the room went strange . Something turned the lights off , and opened the windows . It even raised a chair off the ground . The security guard looked worried for the first time . " For the last month , I have been searching for the person who killed Nigel Slater . You , sir , are Nigel Slater . But it seems your ghost hasn 't got the information you are alive . " But it didn 't work . By the time that the ambulance arrived , Nigel was in a deep coma . It took only a short time after that until the first homicide detective got there . But the truth is , it was fate . No ones fault . Except the murderer . After all , how can Nigel Slater 's ghost come into my dreams unless he is actually killed ? What happened next surprised me . The cops arrested me . Told me I was being held on suspicion of murder . I told them not to be idiots , but they wrote it in their notebooks and not their minds . By that point the clues would be getting stale , so I drove right to the company . But they wouldn 't let me in . it was a police investigation , they said . No dice . I called the FBI agent and asked him to run the full scan on Slater . By the time he had finished I would know every single family member . And all I had to do was interview them . The only clue left to me was Sigma . The company was closed for a few hours , but the managing director wasn 't . Again the FBI came to my rescue . They had the address , and I wasn 't afraid to use it . We walked up the garden path . It wasn 't the most luxurious house that a managing director had ever lived at . But I knocked on the door anyway . I walked in . Behold , the group was all there . The director of the FBI himself . The attorney general . And a four star general . I could feel the back of my assistant straightening up . The Managing Director pressed a button on the TV . It switched on . Nigel Slater 's office . I saw him pick up his glass . Put the chemicals in it . The MD fast forwarded . Nigel killed himself . " Oil . We got him to produce computer models . All the oil reserves . He was so great . . . well , he could produce a program that told us exactly where oil was , just from satellite images . " Just at that moment a dozen armed guards came into the room . Their guns were pointed right at me . I raised my hands , and was soon plunged into the carpet . They searched me . Didn 't find anything interesting . " Yeah . But I don 't think you did it . I don 't think you were that smart . But I don 't know what this being who calls himself Nigel Slater is , " I didn 't struggle . By now , them putting handcuffs on me was almost routine . I just wish I had been able to continue my life as a charlatan . I didn 't know what to say to that . it was true . it was obvious when you think about it . Nigel had told me he was murdered when he was still alive . but no one ever said the soul was bound to the arrow of time . Within a few minutes we had picked up an escort . From what I could tell , they had closed the road down . Only we were travelling that evening . I gulped . It looked like things were just about to head for the worse . The trip to the Whitehouse was the most fraught I had experienced in my life . The director of the FBI was reading faxes and emails in the car . His face was getting more and more pale . " I guess like the English did in WWII . With disinformation . We need to get an Chinese agent and feed him bad info . And I guess Nigel might be your best hope for that . " I guess the FBI director caught on quickly . Because he could go anywhere , Nigel could listen to the Chinese chatter . He could find Chinese agents . Maybe he didn 't know Chinese , but he knew enough to listen in to the English language conversations . It wasn 't a new concept . The CIA had investigated it in the sixties . But they didn 't have a real life ghost , so their experiments failed . This time we had a real ghost . I asked them to pick out the Ouija board again . The séance room was a sight you had never seen in your life . The president and the director of the FBI holding hands , in a dark room . The president of the united states shook his head . You could tell he couldn 't believe what he was seeing . He got up from his seat , and you could almost hear his bones cracking . Over in the corner of the room I could see a computer with satellite images . I could watch the Chinese fleet mobilising in real time . The number of dots that represented aircraft carriers alone was scary . " It will only be a few days before we have to mobilise our own navy . " The wait was excruciating . But suddenly five hours latter , the board started spelling out a name . The FBI director went to work . Within minutes they had the file out . He didn 't look like what you would expect of a Chinese agent . He had long , blonde hair , was dressed in a respectable suit , and had a respectable job . He worked in the old navy base . His job was to work on the files , reading sensitive military information . Including information about resource allocation . Once they checked his bank account the truth became obvious . The FBI director stood up , and paced down the long thin corridor . Then he arrived back in the meeting room with a young woman . She was dressed in military uniform . He explained the plan . It was simple . The Chinese agent needed to think it had all been a hoax . But for that to work , he would have to eat a pack of lies . I wasn 't there , so I can report only what I have been told . The female agent I had been introduced to worked in the old navy headquarters . She worked in the files there . It is a room full of top secret papers . Room might be the wrong word ; it was the size of an aircraft hanger . She worked there , and had spent months being bored . So naturally , she had struck up a conversation with the handsome blonde military attaché . And , the conversation was reciprocated . The director of the FBI looked at her . She didn 't look like much to put the freedom of the world onto . But she was eager . And after being told what to do , she didn 't complain . She saluted . I stood at the back of the room , watching the Director of the FBI feeling out the officer , and knew I would have to talk to Nigel alone . I didn 't trust her . She looked too good to be true with her starched uniform and willing smile . The new agent went into a staff car , to be driven to the headquarters . She looked very lonely in the back of the car . Meanwhile , we walked to the operations room . There was a banks of monitors the length of the room . We could see satellite images of the build up of the Chinese fleet , as well as real time updates of our spies . I nodded . Then looked back over to the screens . I could see our agent depositing the papers in her draw . She phoned up the Chinese agent , and set up dinner . It looked like a glorious feast . Roast duck , with all the trimmings . The doorbell went . She walked over to it , and opened it . She said something , and the Chinese agent walked into the room . After ten minutes of conversation , she walked away . To go to the toilet . He walked over to the draws , and started rummaging . After a few minutes he found the file our agent had left . He took out the smallest camera you have ever seen , and clicked the image . After that , he put the files away . After he left , the confirmation came thick and fast . The Chinese fleet disbanded . It was amazing to see , but they split up within a matter of hours . Soon the sea around Taiwan was empty except for commercial shipping . I guess that if this had been a story that would be it . I would have been given a party , a celebration , and been allowed to leave . After all , I had saved the day . Well , Nigel did leave . I haven 't heard from him since . After they had finished celebrating , a guard collected me , and drove me in a prison van to here . It is a cold concrete cell . I am allowed a TV , and to write carefully vetted letters . I 'm not sure how I will post this , my story . Maybe I will write it under the postage stamp . I guess for an old crook like me , it is fair . But I wish I had been sent to jail for something I did . And not for some trumped up terrorist charge . Currently we only offer payment for one story selected as the feature story in the monthly pdf magazine only . The successful author will be contacted to organise payment via paypal for a $ 5AUD payment . 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The ship swayed and creaked . He feels every bit of it in his body . Taking no chances the crew , damnedable pirates , have chained him with no give . Legs bound in a kneeling position , arms chained to either wall crucifying him to the ship like a perverse figurehead , he 's been their captive long enough to have forgotten the feel of kindness . It is a small blessing that their fear of him keeps his gag in place at all times . It keeps them from coming anywhere near him . The captain learned a long time ago that he gleans all he needs to live from the moisture in the air , the brine in his eyes . During storms , when he is strongest , the captain posts guards with him . They don 't look at him . A terrible hope fills him today . By the movement of the ship and the crew 's curses , he knows that they 're being pursued by another ship . This ship is a runner , fast . There 'd be little concern of capture if the ship did not gain its quickness from being light , gain its lightness from having little room for armaments or supplies . The pursuers have had them going for a week now and they 'd been out of port for at least a month . He knows from the panic in the crew that the food is all but gone . Soon they 'll be too weak to load what small guns are aboard . He 'd be surprised if they could remember how to sight the cannons it 's been so long since the captain has ordered them used . His hope stems from the pirates ' desperation . If they succumb to practicality then they 'll come for him . With frightened hearts and shaking hands , they 'll undo his chains and he 'll get to spend some time under the sky instead of under foot . So he waits for their desperation to bloom practicality . It does not take long . The first mate comes with three guards and the keys . It is always the first mate that comes to get him . The captain coming himself would make him a person that the captain fears , he wouldn 't last long once that got out among the crew . The first mate is the only one he trusts with the keys to his chains . " The captain wants to see you . " He speaks with a unique accent that comes with the ship 's pidgin of French , Spanish , and Greek . His ears hear the gibberish , but his mind provides him with the meaning . Slowly , they unchain his arms from the ship and secure them behind his back . The guards are afraid to touch him , unsure whether he 'll break or they 'll be infected with something . It strikes him as odd how religious some of these men are . Coming onto the deck , sea spray hits him in the face , covers his bare chest . He instantly feels more alive . He stands taller , muscles flex , the chains bite into his skin . They take him to the captain , standing at the aft of the ship . He stands beside the captain looking out at the wide ocean , the only thing marring their perfect view of the horizon the pursuers . The first mate and guards fold themselves into the three other men standing around them . The captain just stands there for a few minutes , ignoring him . This too is done to show the crew he will do this in his own time , to show that the man he keeps below decks does not frighten him . Around the gag , behind the locked mouth plate , he smiles . Only he and the captain know what he is , and he knows that the captain is frightened of that . " I have use of you . " From under his coat he draws out the key that only he is allowed to keep . He inserts into lock for the face plate . " If you hurt this ship my men will stab you and you will die before you can swim for freedom . Like always , yeah ? " He nods . It 's always the same threat . It vaguely occurs to him that this is only a half life . But then , the spirits would kill for half a life . The plate falls away and he spits the wooden wedge from his mouth . His tongue sticks out , tasting the salt in the air . He flexes his jaw , taking in the blue sky , the white clouds , the gentle waves . He smiles at the captain . Other than the crew 's swords there is very little compelling him . Finally , the captain 's annoyance at the delay shows on his face . He focuses on ship on the horizon . He tries not to think of the men on the ship . He knows he will have to answer for his actions one day , but he 's trying to postpone that day for as long as possible . " I 'm fine . Sorry . " The cabby 's eyes dart from the road to the rearview mirror and back . " I 'm good . I 'm okay . " The cabby 's eyes return to the road and stay there , Lawrence was prepared to keep reassuring him for the rest of the drive as long as he didn 't take his eyes off the road . " That jetlag 's a bitch , isn 't it ? " " Yeah , jetlag . " He doesn 't really feel like talking so he looks out the window . What he sees unsettles him so much that he almost closes his eyes again . Outside the cab desert stretched on for miles . When he 'd met the cabby at the airport he 'd been fine . They 'd been in the middle of a city . He preferred the buildings and people to the endless dry expanse . He tried to think of it as a sea of earth but it just made him queasy . He can 't help it , he closes his eyes . " We 're almost there , " the cabby rouses him . " If I 'd of known I wouldn 't have let you sleep at all . You wouldn 't believe how many people fall asleep in my cab from the airport . " The cabby keeps up a steady stream of chitchat for the next few minutes . Lawrence doesn 't say much , but he 's glad for the distraction . " Here we go , buddy . " He pulls up in front of an independent diner . Lawrence can tell the sign was made with care when it was painted , years in the desert sun has faded it badly . " They got good food here ? " " I don 't know . This is my first time here . " He pays the fare and steps out of the air - conditioned interior . His lips are immediately dry and cracked . The heat cuts him to the core as fast as it dried his lips , the urge to speak rises in him . He needs to escape this heat , he 's drowning in dryness . He rushes inside hoping that they 'll have air - conditioning . No such luck . The interior of the restaurant is as faded as the exterior . He seats himself , impatiently tapping his foot waiting for the waitress . He can hear the sound of the wind . Not the dry , lifeless wind of the desert , but the damp , alive wind of the storm . It 's calling to him , begging him to call out . He licks his lips with a tongue he can barely feel . He can 't help himself , the desert is antithesis for him . Why had he decided to come here ? To satisfy some adolescent curiosity ? He takes one long , shuttering breath . " The special , two of them , just bring me a pitcher of water . " His throat feels so dry . He has to speak now before he loses his chance . " Hmph ! " With blurry vision he watches her flounce back to the kitchen . He grabs the edge of the table to steady himself . He 's clenching his jaw by the time she comes back with a glass for him . He swallows half of it . The cool liquid fills him , calming him . Vision clears , hands stop shaking , the urge lessening . The torrent of wind in his ears shifts to a gentle breeze . How close had he come ? The waitress turns to leave again , he grabs her arm . " Can I get you anything else ? " She says it in such a way that makes Lawrence wonder if it 's actually a question . She tired of him he can tell . She 's too used to bullying the locals . He doesn 't trying to be nice to her , he just takes out a fifty and lays it on the table . " This is your tip if you keep bringing me pitchers of water . " Her eyes gleam slightly as she stares at the bill on the table . Slowly she puts the pitcher on the table . " Thank you . " He drains the rest of his glass and pours another . He finishes this one in three huge gulps . He doesn 't feel as trapped now , his breathing has evened out . He fills the glass a third time , finishing off the pitcher , but only sips this one . A couple minutes pass , the waitress brings his two specials and another pitcher . Lawrence only picks at his food . Between the desert and the age of the equipment in the diner the food is completely dry . Mainly he just cuts up the food and moves it around on his plate . Mainly he watches the people in the restaurant . He immediately discounts his waitress . Seeing her move around the diner , speaking with her , she 's spent most of her life trying to get away from this place . It 's a pity that she 'd never really feel like she belongs anywhere . An old man sits in another booth . He is weathered , his countenance telling the story of a life in the desert . Despite the heat of the day he 's drinking coffee . Lawrence would have considered him a likely candidate if his research didn 't tell him he is looking for someone younger . Besides the old man doesn 't look like he belongs here , only that he 's gotten used to living here . It 's an old style diner setup , so Lawrence can see the cook behind the half wall separating the kitchen from the dining area . Cook would be a wonderful job for who he 's looking for . The heat rising from the stove providing a fix for the cravings while at work . Though nothing compared to the natural heat of the desert it would do while at work . Unfortunately the cook is wearing a sleeveless shirt that 's plastered to his body with sweat . Lawrence 's heart falls . He 's not close enough to the cook to pick up a flow from him , but the fact that he 's sweating tells him all he needs to know . It 's possible his sources were wrong . It 's not easy to track a Bearer . The burden / gift they bear making it too hard to get a fix on them . He 's about to get up , throwing the contents of his glass down his throat , when the kitchen door swings open and a young man steps through . Lawrence puts his cup down and watches him . Something in the way he moves is different . Somehow his movements come off as light , almost bouncy . Even just clearing dishes from tables , his movements are quick , precise . He wears a t - shirt , jeans , and boots , all are cheap , but he still has an air of status . Lawrence notes that he 's not sweating . He looks up , checking for more stray dishes . Lawrence motions him over . " You finished with this , mister ? " Lawrence inhales and catches the scent of aged stone . " Sorry , mister , I 'm just here for the dishes . You 'll want to try Craiper St . around ten tonight . " He grabs a plate , Lawrence grabs his wrist . Sun … Heat … Dry … Sand … Lawrence pulls his hand away , palm red . Perspiration stands out on the young man 's brow now , fear in his eyes . He slides into the booth across from Lawrence . Lawrence pours another glass of water and waits for the boy to say something . " I 'm on break ! " She throws up her hands and goes back into the kitchen . Tito smiles at Lawrence . " Let 's go outside . " Lawrence downs his water and follows him out and around the diner . " I 'm Benjamin Fuller , but everyone calls me , Tito . Now who the hell are you ? " It 's a fair question . If he doesn 't know what he is then he 's probably really freaked out . Lawrence can 't blame him , he 's been there . " Ha , not likely , man . " Tito looks skeptical , very skeptical . There 's at least fifteen years between them . And while Tito isn 't a full blooded Mexican , Lawrence can tell at least one of his parents is , while Lawrence couldn 't be more white without being an albino . It 's hard to believe . " I don 't mean biologically . I mean spiritually . " Tito 's face is instantly serious . " You can feel it , can 't you ? That subtle , tickling at the back of your brain that makes you feel like you know me , even while at your core I unsettle you . " " Yes . " Tito looks so relieved that it breaks Lawrence 's heart . He knows what it 's like to finally have this explained . Lawrence had spent three years in a mental hospital trying to deal by himself . Tito is a strong young man . " Where is there open desert ? " Tito points down an alley . Lawrence starts walking , Tito doesn 't need to be told to follow , he falls into step next to Lawrence careful not to touch him . They come out the other end of the alley seeing open land . For Lawrence it 's as close to nothing as he ever wants to get . Longing fills Tito 's eyes . " I want to share something with you . Watch out there . " Lawrence takes a deep breath and centers himself . The urge to speak has been growing since they stepped out of the diner , the dryness creeping in to all his dark places . Tito 's hands fly up to cover his ears . " Ah ! What the hell ? " FLASH ! BOOM ! The thunder cuts off any further curses . Tito 's gaze is drawn out to the desert , where black storm clouds have formed out of nowhere . The fear is back in his eyes , he retreats till his back hits the wall to the building . " What have you done ? " " I spoke my Word . We 're Word Bearers , Tito . You have your own . Can you feel it ? Deep in core . " Lawrence can see he 's confused . He 's frightened , overwhelmed . FLASHBOOM ! " You can stop this , Tito . Go ahead . Say your Word . I want to hear it . " " I don 't … I 'm not sure . " Confusion and fear war on Tito 's face . Lawrence hopes he won 't run . He didn 't mean to scare the boy . " Of course you 're sure . You 've known it for centuries , you just haven 't spoken it yet . It 's okay . I 'm here with you . " His first step is hesitant , his second is firm , his third is confident . Lawrence realizes he 's holding his breath . Tito looks up at him , he nods . Tito fixes his gaze on the storm . " " There it is . It 's as quiet as Lawrence 's Word is loud , but no less powerful . It 's so beautiful . As Lawrence watches the storm clouds dissipate a tear rolls down his cheek . 2 Dad suffered even from a sight of blood , and he never killed a hen nor slaughtered a pig . But I was aware that once he had donated his blood in the name of my Mum still , because she 'd had a narrow escape on an operating table then . With me a doctor would have my blood tested in a moment : one , two and it 's done . But first they make you ready for rather a time : take a seat , then have a proper finger chosen , though it is always just the one , then they wipe it with spirits until take somewhat sharp like a mini - scalpel . Not everyone can stand the procedure , but I was not against it when a doctor suggested me having my blood tested . She was a likable one , youngish for her age , not married or divorced , probably . And she had no child , I felt it immediately , she had such a look , barren if you want . Possibly for health reasons she could not bear a child or she didn 't find a right man . Or she could have a particular blood group not to have a child with anyone , that 's why she employed at a doctor 's consulting room to make blood tests . And she urged me to have my blood tested . At first I didn 't mind it , the right thing it is , still she didn 't ask my permission . " Just let 's have your blood tested " , she said and left me . She had many things to do I suppose . In doctor 's smocks they walked hither and thither all the time at a clinic there talking over the heads of those waiting , as if one was dead already . And I was still alive and a nurse was preparing to have my blood tested . While she got me ready she was chattering . She said that men were afraid of blood testing nowadays . More and more they refused to do it and ran away sometimes seeing a drop of blood . And one had nothing to fear , there was a couch behind the curtain in a special emergency to lie low , in case one fainted . She pulled the white curtain aside and showed me a couch with dark green leatherette and I shivered all at once : what for they needed my blood ? She suggested me taking off a jacket and rolling up my sleeve , left or right one , I don 't rMy Bio : Mr . Valery Petrovskiy is a journalist and short story writer from Russia . Не is an English Department graduate at Chuvash State University , Cheboksary , graduated in journalism at VKSch Higher School , Moscow and in psychology at Kazan State Technology University . He has been writing prose since 2005 . Some of his writing has been published in The Scrambler , Rusty Typer , BRICKrethoric , NAP Magazine , Literary Burlesque , The Other Room , Curbside Quotidian , DANSE MACABRE , WidowMoon Press , PRIME MINCER , Apocrypha and Abstractions , The Legendary in the USA , and in Australian " Skive " and " Going Down Swinging " magazines . At the moment he is writer - in - residence at Marco Polo Art Mag . It 's dark in here . That 's because I live at the bottom of the jewellery box along with the other outcasts : the tangled necklace with the broken lobster claw and teddy pendant she got for her eleventh birthday , along with the bracelet that 's missing a couple of gem stones . She always says she will have them repaired but never does , preferring to spend the money on more fashionable pieces instead that imitate Asian and Oriental designs . An untrained eye might imagine that they were found by a back - packer on their travels , but they weren 't . They can be bought from any shop on the high - street , and are merely echoes of worlds she 's never seen . Not all of us down here are broken though . I 'm not , and neither is the engagement ring she got from Mark , ( who eventually cheated on her with Shannon from Reception , ) or the belly bar she took out when she put weight on and decided looked too young for her anyway . The ones at the top who get worn more often pity us , ( ' how boring it must be , ' they say to each other in whispers they think we can 't hear , ' being cooped up down there , month in , month out , ' ) but in a way they 're jealous . As I 've said , you could buy them in their hundreds if you wanted to , and they are without sentimental value like the childhood necklace or the belly bar that reminds her of her wild teens and early twenties . They 're easily replaced and she gives them away when they become outdated - or chucks them if even her younger sister and the charity shops say no , thanks . She doesn 't like Mark 's ring or me , so it isn 't often that her fingers dig through the chunky bangles and strings of beads to bring me to the surface . It happens maybe three or four times a year when she has arranged to visit The Matriarch . The ring doesn 't even get a look in . Why Mark wouldn 't let her give it back to him so that he could give it to someone he did love is beyond us ; at least that way it would have been enjoyed . All the same , seeing as I 'm an heirloom and the ring is eighteen carat white goPerhaps you imagine I get bitter when the voices of the favoured ones float above my head , chattering away about their ventures out of the box : days at work , dinners , dates , parties and who was there , who wasn 't there , what she wore … you get the drift . Or worse , maybe you feel sorry for me . I 'd rather you didn 't . Pity the rest but not me . I 'm not so keen on their weight pressing down on me but I don 't mind the dark . In fact I quite like it . It reminds me of home , my real one , from before I met people . As for being bitter , you can rule that out . I 'm a pearl , darling ; it 's not in my nature . You lot have seen me as a symbol of love for thousands of years and I do try to live up to my name by being kind - although I cannot help but wince sometimes at the irony , given that the first person I ever met died . Don 't look at me like that ; it wasn 't my fault . But that 's why she doesn 't like me . All the same , when you 've being kept in a family for over a century you do take an interest in your present owner , even if it 's not reciprocated , so I enjoy listening to the young ones ' gossip . Let them have their fun while they still can . The best they can hope for is a place in a child 's dressing - up box in just a few , short years so they might as well enjoy it . 2 . Memories . I might be old - fashioned and be from a past that she and you would rather forget , but I 'm not like your kind . I will endure and outlive the others , her - even you . And I never forget . My memory doesn 't grow weak with age , it gets stronger . I can still smell what my home was like ; still feel the movements of the person who found me when he panicked and rushed too quickly to the top , and the urgent , grasping hand of the first , but different person to ever touch me , as though I 'd only stopped smelling and feeling them a minute ago . The memories of my owners and the events in their lives play like the films you are so fond of ; the moment when her grandfather proposed to her grandmother , and the christening of her mother , they are a3 . Before she grew up . I suppose you think it strange that her grandmother , ( or The Matriarch as she jokingly calls her , ) skipped a generation and gave me to someone who doesn 't like me , but it never used to be this way . When she was little and used to visit her grandmother she would ask , ( very politely after giving her a peck on the cheek , ) if she could play with her jewellery box . The answer was always yes , and she would very carefully hunt through the diamonds and gold to find me , pin me to her jumper and wear me for the rest of the time she was there . It became something of a ritual , to the point where her grandmother began to pick me out herself and would put me on the coffee table ready for when she arrived . When she was eighteen , The Matriarch had a heart attack , and fearing that she would never leave hospital , insisted on the girl 's mother driving for two hours to get me , so that she could give me to her personally before it was too late . They were very close , and still are in spite of the distance , for she survived against all the odds . Whenever she goes to see her she always comments on how lovely it is , seeing her granddaughter all grown up , wearing her old brooch that 's always been her favourite . And I was for a time . Traditionally I was only worn for a special or significant occasion , but when she was at college I had the strange but enjoyable experience of being put in her pocket and going with her , and if she felt nervous about something her fingers would slide down to stroke me . Normally I hated people manhandling me , but I didn 't mind in her case - it was better than her biting her nails . It was almost as if she thought that having me with her would stop something bad happening - and I have been viewed as ' lucky . ' Stop sniggering , it 's true . In the days of knights and sword - fighting , we would be worn when the rich and noble went into battle because they thought we would protect them from harm , so don 't laugh at her . It felt good , being wanted , and I have to confess I came in danger You don 't like being reminded of your past - those days of glory when Britain ruled half the world . I think that 's why you apologise so much , and give more than you can afford to charities trying to save the poor and starving around the globe . It 's almost as though you 're trying to make up for all the wrongs done before you were born . And I 've tried to avoid talking about it in case you ran away - I get lonely sometimes and it 's nice having someone to talk to . But you can 't run forever , things have to be faced eventually . Some of you may already know and may already be trying to shut out the sound of my words by turning your thoughts to the plans you 've made for the weekend , but there 'll be a lot of you who don 't . There are lots of happy anecdotes from my owners ' lives I could have told you but this is the one you need to hear : My story . We are not like your kind , but there is one thing we have in common : just as you can 't remember coming out of the womb , we don 't know what it was like being a grain of sand or piece of shell squeezing our way inside an oyster and hardening ; all I remember is being . There were no thoughts , for when you live inside a shell there isn 't a great deal to think about - nothing happens . That probably sounds dull to you but there was no sadness , no pain or death . It was peaceful , just being . I didn 't know this at the time but even nothing has to come to an end eventually : the day would always have come when I would be found . It will be hard for you to understand what it was like being taken out of water , hearing sounds , seeing colours and light - all for the first time . On paper it sounds great , this explosion of life , but the reality was frightening - and even fear was something I had never heard of or felt before . Maybe that 's why your newborns usually cry when they come out , because they 're scared and want to go back . I 'm trying to think of ways to describe how it was to you , and the only way I can think of is for you to imagine an ancient Egyptian being placed in the middle of a supermarket . That might give you a better idea , but even that doesn 't come close . I 've learnt a lot since then - ( I 've had to , I didn 't have any other choice - ) but there 's one thing I 've never been able to get my head around , and that is time . Your lives are ruled by clocks and diaries telling you when deadlines or birthdays are due , but when you have so much time whole years , even decades can pass you by . Forgive me then , if I am a little hazy on dates . What I can tell you is that I was brought to the surface in the late 1800s , which makes me special . There aren 't many of us that come from nature now . Most are made by man in bulk on farms . Things changed . You suddenly became concerned about human life and diving equipment got better . Both meant that the world 's poor no were no longer forced to hold their breaths for comments » I knew that someone important was going to walk into my life at 12 : 15 , just after I normally drink tea and prepare for an slow day working on the horoscope . Now , maybe you might not believe me . After all , I am a professional charlatan . But I knew something was up , because for the last two weeks every prediction I have made actually worked out . It started when I saw Mrs Henderson . She was a fat woman , an unpleasant woman , a great client . Like most people who wanted a reading , she didn 't want the truth . And normally I didn 't give it to her . I pulled out the equipment . It was a plain set . It looked like bone china , but was made in china for a very low price . Mrs Henderson looked impressed anyway . She had a lot of money , and not a lot of sense . Anyway , I started reading the information contained in the tea leafs . And then the world went blank . When I returned to the world , Mrs Henderson was gone . I walked out of the shop I had rented , and another of the shopkeepers came up to me . He was normally an quiet , amicable chap . This time he looked like he wanted to throttle me . " She came out of here . Howling and crying , like you 'd tried to kill her . " he put his face up to mine , " You ever do it again and I 'll . . " " I don 't know what you 're talking about , " and I backed away from him . He stalked off . I walked back to my shop , ready to wait for my next appointment . Mrs Abbot didn 't come . She left a nervous message on my answer phone . At the time I didn 't realise why . Because I had no other clients for the day , I went home . My mouth opened wide . It was such a shock , it seemed like I 'd just been told I was about to die . And then . Then I was in my bed , looking at the ceiling . The police officers had gone . But it felt more real than a dream . It must have been a dream . Yeah , that was what it was , I convinced myself . Although I should have known better . In Ireland you can make a full time living as a psychic . less so in England . The English wouldn 't even pay you if you could predict the lottery . So I also work as a pitchman . Which , if you think about it , is just another way to make a dishonest buck . I walked to the nearest boot sale , and set up . It isn 't too crowded in the morning . And everyone is busy . So I crawl in through the hedge . They don 't know that I 'm there against the rules . I set up . My table is old fashioned . A suitcase with legs you fold out . Like the true pitchmen of the 50 's . My pitch is the worm . They wiggle around my hand , like they are alive . The fools in the crowd gave me money . That is what they are for . She had the longest blondest hair this side of fairyland , and her smile lights up the room like a flashlight . And I knew I am meant to talk to her . Just now . She walked off . I had the sense she is in trouble . She was poorer than she used to be , her clothes were expensive , but last years fashion . I had a feeling I will meet her again . When I got there , there was Mrs Henderson and her husband . Their eyes were red . They had been crying . I couldn 't understand what they were there for . I managed to get them to leave . At first I thought that the gossip would help me . But the truth is , no one wants to go to a psychic that tells them the truth . Life is hard enough . You go to a psychic to hear lies . I made some money as a pitchman , so it didn 't affect me too much . But I kept on having bad dreams . I kept on seeing people I knew in them . Not just that , I saw how they died . Their pain . And I started to write down what I saw . In a book by my bedside cabinet . The extra time I had meant I was drinking more too . It was like I 'd been cursed . But the worst was the Christians . They decided that these dreams were inspired by Satan . They set up the picket line in front of my office . I started to think I should simply leave . On Wednesday , the cleaner came in . She was a nosy parker . And no mistake . Her husband had died a few years back , and she was interested in everything . While it 's not the way she put it , she was very interested in the diary . All the details of the different murders and deaths I 'd seen . All the factual details that no one else other than the murderer could know . She took it to the police , and they read it , and they got their warrant . I arrived back at the normal time , and nothing was different . The book was there . I didn 't notice the surveillance cameras . Not at all . They broke in that night . It wasn 't a dream . And I looked up to them bleary eyed , a gun pointing in my face , and swore . They dragged me towards the back of the car , and I noticed someone had decided to give the press warning . So it was very public . Once in , they took me right there . And kitted me out in fetching jail clothing , since I was still in pyjamas . This was the first time I was in jail , and I can tell you it is not as bad as some people say . There is an odd vinegar smell , hiding other bodily fluids . And it is never quiet . There is always shouting going on , and doors slammed . But it was no worse than some hotels I 've been in while performing . I looked across at my lawyer . Short , thin , balding and bored . The police officer had my diary in front of him . He picked it up . " In it , you 've got the details of dozens of murders . Information the police hasn 't released to the public . Information . . . dare I say it , in some cases that the police didn 't even know themselves . " And that was it . That was the full content of the interview . I was hustled off into the cell , and ended up waiting for days . In telephone conversations with friends , I knew the police were digging up my life . I was given a notebook , and a pen , and I continued to write down my dreams . I thought I might as well . The police would search my cell every now and again , and confiscate them . They even moved me to solitary . Made sure no one could be feeding me this information . Or , presumably , that I wasn 't ordering the killings . But the dreams continued . They were getting worse and worse . Every morning I woke up feeling like I had not slept . I guess at least things looked up , because they took me from prison . They drove me along country lanes , towards a building . I can 't tell you precisely where it was . It just looked like an old school to be honest . You 'd never have guessed it was an intelligence headquarters . They bundled me out into an empty building . You 've heard of the secret prisons . Well , they are true . They dressed me up in a uniform , tagged my ankle , and locked me in a cage . The only thing they gave me was some paper and a pen to write down my dreams . Sometimes people came to research me . They put me in scanners , and gave me all kinds of medical tests . The results were unsurprising . I was just a normal , healthy individual . And that was how it seemed I was destined to live for the rest of my life . Until I started to hear the voices . They were low . Just like someone was talking in the next room . Distant . And I couldn 't make them out . That night I was tossing and turning , and I heard someone shout out my name . I woke up . No one was there . Then I tried to get asleep again , and managed it . But the voice was insistent . Nothing answered me . The guards walked past my cell . But with the dreams and the voices , I was getting no sleep . It started to affect me so badly I would not even eat food . Within a few days I was exhausted . Mentally and physically drained . And I guess that is what the creatures wanted . Because soon they broke through . It 's hard to tell you how it felt . But if you have ever had a moment of shock , when you suddenly feel like you aren 't there , you 'll know . He said his name . And then the voice faded away . But I knew I had to do precisely what he told me . I 'd go mad otherwise . Maybe I was already mad . The opportunity came sooner than I expected . My handlers were getting anxious . I was producing less predictions than normal , and the federal conviction rate was plummeting through the floor . The handlers looked like model citizens . Dark suits , a man and a woman dressed formally , like they were lawyers . They flashed their badge to me . I don 't know why , the fact I was in a prison gave them away . The police officer fell back . You could see him working it through in his mind . Despite the success of my predictions , he settled on the conclusion I was mad . After all , psychic phenomena were impossible . He 'd read that once . I shook my head . But that night , I was thinking about it , and decided that I had to ask . Had to have a conversation , if only for my sanity . When the voices started up , I leaned forward in my bed . I asked the question again . But he would say nothing of use to me . he would only repeatedly ask me to find his killers . Not very useful . Eventually , I managed to coax his name from him . Nigel . Not a very good name for a joke . That was the strange thing . No murder victims of that name came up . Not any time soon . But a week later , a Nigel disappeared . And I realised the truth . I looked through the court reports . He had been killed by stabbing . They wouldn 't let me out of the jail . So all I could do was read the files they brought on him . And I got the feeling that many of the details had been redacted . it was like looking for a haystack in an elephant : messy and not very satisfactory . There were only two people I decided who could have done it . They both had a great deal to gain . At the end of the day , though , there is a limit to what you can do from inside a jail cell . The guards looked sceptically at me when I asked for it . But I was responsible for half the murder arrests in the district for the last six months . So they eventually gave me what I wanted . Especially when I refused to furnish them with any more information . I don 't know if you have ever been to a proper séance . Well , to be honest , most of the time the knocks are from the medium . But this time it was different . Within moments of the séance starting , I was aware that the room was colder . Then the entire board lifted off the table , and flew towards me . It hit the wall a few inches from my face . The room warmed up again . The presence was gone . For a little while . " I didn 't " I replied . I knew that he didn 't believe me . But he would have to show more senior people . And I knew they couldn 't afford to risk me . I went back to bed . For the first time in weeks , I had no bad dreams . I guess Nigel knew I understood his message . I slept very soundly . Until the next morning . But my guards didn 't really understand . Or they did not want to understand . My handler met me in the interview room the next morning . He looked tired . Besides him sat a man I hadn 't seen before . He wore the cleanest , most expensive suit I had seen during my stay at the states pleasure . The man stood up . He walked out of the room . Measured , and without menace . But he didn 't seem to be a man used to dealing with no . My handler shook his head . He didn 't need to tell me the consequences . All of a sudden , I was put on suicide watch . Woken up every thirty minutes to see if I wasn 't dead yet . The heating in my cell surprisingly broke . I knew I was in their hands totally . But I never realised what it was like to displease them . You see , Nigel might be a ghost , but that doesn 't mean he is stupid . He can see what is happening . He knows they are stopping me doing what he wants . And this gets him angry . They first times he acted , it looked like coincidence . The guards chair would tilt under him , depositing him on the floor . Or cups of coffee were not placed firmly enough on the table . The guards were spooked by me . They knew that I was able to see things they could not . But although the guards face became pale , his hand on the trigger was steady and firm . It was too late . The chair slammed into the guard . He dropped to the floor . Then I saw the guards keys float from his pocket . My cell door was unlocked . I walked over to the guard , stripped his clothes off , and changed into his uniform . I thought I didn 't have much of a choice . If I didn 't do what Nigel wanted he would kill me . Every door I came to slid open without me doing anything . It would have been creepy if I didn 't know what was happening . Soon the alarms started to ring out . People would be grabbing their guns , getting ready to shoot me . I could feel my heart trying to escape from my chest . I soon arrived at fire exit . It opened in front of me . I climbed down some steps . Below me , I could see coppers swarming . I continued to walk down . One of the coppers recognised me . I ran in the opposite direction . He took aim , and I could hear the gun explode behind me . But the bullet didn 't pierce my skin like I expected . Instead , it ended in the ground . I reached a police car , and the engine came on without anyone doing anything . Then I went into a store and bought black trousers and a white shirt . Got changed . And walked out of the shopping centre , expecting to be caught at any time . In my pocket there was five hundred dollars . That was all I had in the world , except for an insane ghost . I decided it was time to go to the library . After chatting to the librarian for a few seconds , she walked me over to a computer which had copies of the local papers for the last twenty years . I typed a search . At first I found nothing , but as I expanded the search back I found him . According to the interview , he was found murdered in his bed . He had been asleep . His wife had been charged and convicted of his murder . But she said she was innocent . Nothing came in response . I knew that would happen . It was too much to hope for . It was getting late at night . The librarian was fussing near me . It was time to go . When you are a fugitive , it isn 't as simple to find a place to stay as booking a room in a hotel . I walked round , looking for an empty house . It took me an hour . Occasionally a police car would go past . It made me nervous . At one time it would have been a posh bungalow . But whoever had owned it had been taken to a care home , and it was covered in weeds and neglect . I walked up to the door , and it swings open . That is one of the advantages of your own private poltergeist . Inside it was a mess . But dry and water proof . There was a wood burning stove in one room . The power was off , and Nigel didn 't turn it on . But the water was only off at the mains . It was easy enough to get it working again . In the morning I would have to start the process of searching for Nigel Slater . I knew roughly where he lived . I fell asleep , and woke up hungry and cramped . Outside , I could hear rustling . I peeked through the window , and could see a man dressed only in black . He looked like he was not very friendly . I ducked down , but he must have seen me . He edged towards the door . It was locked , but he slammed it open . I hid behind the sofa . it didn 't help . He walked towards me . I noticed he had a poker in his hand . There was no way he wouldn 't find me . I stood up . I looked over at him . He had a long scar down his face . it seemed like he was used to trouble . And he was straining to start a fight . I did what he said . He followed me . I thought he might hit me at any second . or recognise me . They must have put my picture out into the news by now . I sighed with relief , but knew that my location might be passed onto the police . I decided it was time to get out of the town . I caught a bus , and tried to hide my face . Since I hadn 't had a bath for a few days it was easier than you might think . People did not want to look me in the eyes . I arrived at Nigel 's house six hours latter . It was a solemn house . A plane front garden laid to grass , brick frontage , and white windows . It didn 't look like anyone had ever cared for it . It looked like it was a place to sleep and not to stay . It took me a few minutes to settle down , and watch the street . There was nothing extraordinary about it . A few people walked past , taking little interest in the stranger . After watching for half an hour , I knew there was little information here for me . Talking round the local shops I found out that Nigel had been a quiet man . Few people knew him , past his saying hello . he didn 't seem to have been involved in anything wrong . or indeed in anything at all . I decided that there could only really have been one source of trouble . He must have found out something at work . Something that made him worth more to someone dead than alive . I got some annual reports from his company and studied them . Amazing what is available on the internet these days . There was little of interest . I applied to work at Nigel 's company as a cleaner . it was a big risk . I supplied false references , and knew they would not check them for months . That 's the thing about cleaners . No one takes any notice . So I got the job , and examined the work place thoroughly . It looked like an office . The computers were always on . Once or twice I looked over the shoulder of someone working but it was all gobbledygook to me . To make it worse , I saw my face on the newspaper when I went for food . Sure , I looked a lot different now . I had grown longer hair , a beard , and was thinner . But it was still me . I grew suspicious of other people . Then came my big break . Several people were working in the office late . I overhead them speaking about a billion dollar deal . The company was getting bought out . I checked the internet , and there was something in the trade section . The routine was the same every day . But one of my colleagues had not turned up to work . So I was asked to clean the main office . I did so . But I did more than that , I broke into the file cabinets , and started reading company secrets . But that didn 't save me for long . The next day I arrived at work a few minutes earlier . Something told me that things were wrong . The security guard on the gate was new . He told me to go out to the bosses office . I walked into a small lab , and looked around . There was a window , and I tried to open it . In the distance I could see five police cars . The window wouldn 't open . There was only one way out . And I knew that by now , there would be police officers between me and the door . I looked round to find a chair . Then used it to break the window . The alarm went , and I slid through the empty hole . But I caught my shoulder on a shard of glass . I was bleeding . The police gave up their pretence . Dozens of sirens started up , heading towards the building . I ran through a green space . I knew that there was only one way out of the compound except the front gate . A hole in the fence I had noticed a few days earlier . But over head their was a helicopter . Although I ran like the wind , it wasn 't enough . I could hear the police men getting closer and closer . I turned around and saw two police officers . They both had guns pointed at me . I raised my hands , and they soon had me on the ground . I arrived at my destination a few hours latter . This time they were taking no chances . I arrived at a super maximum prison . Surrounded by barbed wire , dogs , and armed police officers it was obvious I 'd never get out . The next day the interrogation began . Again and Again . Asking me where I had gone . What I had done . I eventually broke down and told them everything . But that didn 't stop them continuing . Maybe what they were doing was no crime . But it was a form of torture . Eventually , the interrogations stopped . They gave me paper . They wanted to go back to how it used to be . But by that time I had got so angry , even when I did have a dream I kept it to myself . I wasn 't there . So all I can do is repeat the report that was made to me . No guarantee it is what happened . Apparently the director of the FBI had been having an extramarital affair . He was in bed that normal , and engaging in exercise at the same time . This was not expected , but what was even more unexpected was the windows opening wide . And the explosions of a gun . The director of the FBI 's gun . But I do know that it made the national news . The assistant director of the FBI resigned . And , to be frank , most of the people in the FBI did not care much about that . But it was fair warning . He didn 't seem to be exactly happy about what had happened . In fact , he stormed in to the visiting room , and let loose a barrage of swear words . I sat there passively , listening to him . When he calmed down sufficiently , he sat down . " Nigel was right . All he wants is his murderer found . But he isn 't going to stop . Not until that is done . Not even if he has to kill someone else to do it . " " No . I am not . Nigel is a threat to you . If you stand in the way , that is . He is a ghost . What can you do to get rid of him ? " The director of the FBI thought for a few seconds . An hour latter , a priest turned up with bell , book and candle . it didn 't work spectacularly . The power went off , the candle blew out , the bell rang , and the book was thrown across the room . The director gestured to the mirror and two toughs walked in . They carried some rope . They tied me to the chair , and lifted a cosh over their heads . Then all hell broke lose . The cosh swung back by itself . it raised into the air , and came down , laying out one of the thugs . The other caught me a glancing blow , but something unseen lifted him from the floor and threw him against the wall . " You have a choice . Director . Help find Nigel 's killer . Or , I think , Nigel will chase you down and gut you like a fish . " Eventually the Director settled down again . He sat in his chair , silently looking at me . I wasn 't a pretty picture . Thin , and in prison coveralls . I must have looked like a real criminal . They let me go that afternoon . Put me in a suit , and told me I was seconded to the FBI . I was even given my own agent . He was tall , thin , and looked every inch the government man . The agent shook his head . He gave nothing away . That was when I knew he wasn 't sent to help me . Just to keep an eye out on me . Nevertheless , I decided that I could use him . Like he wanted to use me . I looked over to him , and told him to get a warrant . We were going to search Nigel 's company . And read every damn bit of paper they had about Sigma . When we arrived at the door , they had their lawyer sorted out already . Someone must have leaked it . He looked like he had cost a lot of money . " I 'm afraid we have the right not to incriminate ourselves . We are asserting that right . Both as a company , and as individuals . So , no , you can ask any questions but we will not answer them . " I was surprised when I found the clue . It was something no one else would have noticed . A single envelope in the bin . It contained an address . I think Nigel must have been helping me . I was drawn to it . But the thing I noticed was the fact the address had a Sigma stamp . Once we were out of the building , I decided to break away from the FBI agent . I knew some things would work better on my own . it was easier said than done . When I tried to go for a walk that night , he insisted on staying right by me . Getting to the address was difficult . I didn 't have a car , I had to take the bus . Most of the journey there wasn 't even that . And it had began to rain . I must have looked odd , walking around town that late at night , soaked . In fact , I surprised no copper stopped me . " Good enough , " I said . Knowing I was lying as I said it . It wasn 't like it was my strong point . The expression on the coppers face showed he thought not either . He stood there behind me his mouth opened , as I shimmied the lock . it opened . I walked in . This was a mistake , I didn 't notice the small CCTV camera , the camera that was hidden in a plug socket . But it was sending my picture right up to the security office . I worked quickly , going up the stairs to the office . I don 't know what I had expected to see . But what I did see looked just like any other office . Even down to the half drunk cup of coffee . I woke up in the boot of a car . I could feel the engine running , and smell burning petrol . It was pick black . The car started off , bumping along the ground . Hitting me from side to side . My hands were tied behind my back . It was lucky I knew a little magic . I got the knot loose without much effort . Then I grovelled around the car to find something , anything that could help me . There was a wrench , which I picked up . I put the rope around my wrists , hiding the fact I was loose . And put the wrench in my pocket . The boot of the car swung open . One of the security guards lifted me out of the boot . He was covered in muscle . My mouth opened wide . That was the last thing I expected to hear . They marched me along the ground and I saw him for the first time . Nigel . Alive . Then the room went strange . Something turned the lights off , and opened the windows . It even raised a chair off the ground . The security guard looked worried for the first time . " For the last month , I have been searching for the person who killed Nigel Slater . You , sir , are Nigel Slater . But it seems your ghost hasn 't got the information you are alive . " But it didn 't work . By the time that the ambulance arrived , Nigel was in a deep coma . It took only a short time after that until the first homicide detective got there . But the truth is , it was fate . No ones fault . Except the murderer . After all , how can Nigel Slater 's ghost come into my dreams unless he is actually killed ? What happened next surprised me . The cops arrested me . Told me I was being held on suspicion of murder . I told them not to be idiots , but they wrote it in their notebooks and not their minds . By that point the clues would be getting stale , so I drove right to the company . But they wouldn 't let me in . it was a police investigation , they said . No dice . I called the FBI agent and asked him to run the full scan on Slater . By the time he had finished I would know every single family member . And all I had to do was interview them . The only clue left to me was Sigma . The company was closed for a few hours , but the managing director wasn 't . Again the FBI came to my rescue . They had the address , and I wasn 't afraid to use it . We walked up the garden path . It wasn 't the most luxurious house that a managing director had ever lived at . But I knocked on the door anyway . I walked in . Behold , the group was all there . The director of the FBI himself . The attorney general . And a four star general . I could feel the back of my assistant straightening up . The Managing Director pressed a button on the TV . It switched on . Nigel Slater 's office . I saw him pick up his glass . Put the chemicals in it . The MD fast forwarded . Nigel killed himself . " Oil . We got him to produce computer models . All the oil reserves . He was so great . . . well , he could produce a program that told us exactly where oil was , just from satellite images . " Just at that moment a dozen armed guards came into the room . Their guns were pointed right at me . I raised my hands , and was soon plunged into the carpet . They searched me . Didn 't find anything interesting . " Yeah . But I don 't think you did it . I don 't think you were that smart . But I don 't know what this being who calls himself Nigel Slater is , " I didn 't struggle . By now , them putting handcuffs on me was almost routine . I just wish I had been able to continue my life as a charlatan . I didn 't know what to say to that . it was true . it was obvious when you think about it . Nigel had told me he was murdered when he was still alive . but no one ever said the soul was bound to the arrow of time . Within a few minutes we had picked up an escort . From what I could tell , they had closed the road down . Only we were travelling that evening . I gulped . It looked like things were just about to head for the worse . The trip to the Whitehouse was the most fraught I had experienced in my life . The director of the FBI was reading faxes and emails in the car . His face was getting more and more pale . " I guess like the English did in WWII . With disinformation . We need to get an Chinese agent and feed him bad info . And I guess Nigel might be your best hope for that . " I guess the FBI director caught on quickly . Because he could go anywhere , Nigel could listen to the Chinese chatter . He could find Chinese agents . Maybe he didn 't know Chinese , but he knew enough to listen in to the English language conversations . It wasn 't a new concept . The CIA had investigated it in the sixties . But they didn 't have a real life ghost , so their experiments failed . This time we had a real ghost . I asked them to pick out the Ouija board again . The séance room was a sight you had never seen in your life . The president and the director of the FBI holding hands , in a dark room . The president of the united states shook his head . You could tell he couldn 't believe what he was seeing . He got up from his seat , and you could almost hear his bones cracking . Over in the corner of the room I could see a computer with satellite images . I could watch the Chinese fleet mobilising in real time . The number of dots that represented aircraft carriers alone was scary . " It will only be a few days before we have to mobilise our own navy . " The wait was excruciating . But suddenly five hours latter , the board started spelling out a name . The FBI director went to work . Within minutes they had the file out . He didn 't look like what you would expect of a Chinese agent . He had long , blonde hair , was dressed in a respectable suit , and had a respectable job . He worked in the old navy base . His job was to work on the files , reading sensitive military information . Including information about resource allocation . Once they checked his bank account the truth became obvious . The FBI director stood up , and paced down the long thin corridor . Then he arrived back in the meeting room with a young woman . She was dressed in military uniform . He explained the plan . It was simple . The Chinese agent needed to think it had all been a hoax . But for that to work , he would have to eat a pack of lies . I wasn 't there , so I can report only what I have been told . The female agent I had been introduced to worked in the old navy headquarters . She worked in the files there . It is a room full of top secret papers . Room might be the wrong word ; it was the size of an aircraft hanger . She worked there , and had spent months being bored . So naturally , she had struck up a conversation with the handsome blonde military attaché . And , the conversation was reciprocated . The director of the FBI looked at her . She didn 't look like much to put the freedom of the world onto . But she was eager . And after being told what to do , she didn 't complain . She saluted . I stood at the back of the room , watching the Director of the FBI feeling out the officer , and knew I would have to talk to Nigel alone . I didn 't trust her . She looked too good to be true with her starched uniform and willing smile . The new agent went into a staff car , to be driven to the headquarters . She looked very lonely in the back of the car . Meanwhile , we walked to the operations room . There was a banks of monitors the length of the room . We could see satellite images of the build up of the Chinese fleet , as well as real time updates of our spies . I nodded . Then looked back over to the screens . I could see our agent depositing the papers in her draw . She phoned up the Chinese agent , and set up dinner . It looked like a glorious feast . Roast duck , with all the trimmings . The doorbell went . She walked over to it , and opened it . She said something , and the Chinese agent walked into the room . After ten minutes of conversation , she walked away . To go to the toilet . He walked over to the draws , and started rummaging . After a few minutes he found the file our agent had left . He took out the smallest camera you have ever seen , and clicked the image . After that , he put the files away . After he left , the confirmation came thick and fast . The Chinese fleet disbanded . It was amazing to see , but they split up within a matter of hours . Soon the sea around Taiwan was empty except for commercial shipping . I guess that if this had been a story that would be it . I would have been given a party , a celebration , and been allowed to leave . After all , I had saved the day . Well , Nigel did leave . I haven 't heard from him since . After they had finished celebrating , a guard collected me , and drove me in a prison van to here . It is a cold concrete cell . I am allowed a TV , and to write carefully vetted letters . I 'm not sure how I will post this , my story . Maybe I will write it under the postage stamp . I guess for an old crook like me , it is fair . But I wish I had been sent to jail for something I did . And not for some trumped up terrorist charge . Currently we only offer payment for one story selected as the feature story in the monthly pdf magazine only . The successful author will be contacted to organise payment via paypal for a $ 5AUD payment . 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Image credit : Hyena Reality / Shutterstock . com This hospital has a ghost . Sadly the children here , being the most open , the most psychically acute , tend to see it the most . But on the other hand , they are young , and usually recover from both their bodily ills and the spiritual scarring of seeing the deathly ghost mask hovering above them . For the most part , though it makes them cry , and tell each other stories in its wake , it passes them by , on its grim procession to the elderly , the weak , the dying . Nurses on late night shifts sometimes speak of seeing it , a floating skull , hovering from room to room as though seeking eternal company . These revelations are whispered things , for to speak more openly would be to risk losing their jobs . But to not speak of it , conversely , would be to hold the secret alone and wonder at one 's sanity . If they must be mad , let … The cobalt dress was taut around Carter Graham 's hips , the nylon thigh - hose stretched smooth and the blonde wig that he made out of Janet 's scalp fit radiantly snug over his short , salt - and - pepper hair . The pumps were far too small so he had to slit the sides of the black leather to make his feet slip into the shoes . Sitting at the dressing table , Carter fumbled about in Janet 's jewelry box , primping and fussing , trying on different pieces to achieve that distinctive look . The make - up strategy was harsh and gaudy , the scarlet lipstick a bit too thick and became smeared from his unskilled attempts to apply it . An synthetic pearl necklace was selected and Carter clasped it around his neck , followed by a pair of pearl studs which he punctured through the lobes of each ear . He stood before the full - length mirror and turned , spun and swayed , mugging at his reflection … View original post 1 , 154 more wordsShare this : TwitterFacebookEmailLinkedInGoogleTumblrRedditPinterestPrintLike this : Like Loading . . . The Immortal January 13 , 2016December 12 , 2015 Laura Marie Clark1 Comment I remember how it felt the first time that I took to the skies . One day , I had been normal ( if that 's even a thing ) , working nine - to - five like everyone else , unaware of what existed beyond my immediate vision ; the next , two tiny holes in my neck had changed the course of my entire life . The first time I flew , I jumped from the top of a block of flats and misjudged how easy it would be . Like in the movies , I thought that everything I needed would come to me in the magic of the moment . Thankfully , enough came to me for the world to grant me a chance at a second attempt . I studied up on how birds and bats ( especially bats ) fly and adopted a working technique . It was wonderful . Buildings looked so insignificant from above . I thought about the people going round , as tiny as ants , living their ordinary lives , worrying about paying their rent or their taxes . For a while , I pitied them . Things changed in time . I became used to flying around on my leathery wings , and despite how ridiculous you might think the next statement is , it lost its charm . The world around me changed , developed , and aged , but I stayed the same . I was stuck , motionless , in a void . I wanted to grow old and even die just so I could be like everybody else . Sometimes , I let myself starve , but still nothing happened to me . Food was bitter on my tongue ; my nourishment came from the living . It was cruel and I began to hate myself more and more . The one who had turned me was arrogant and bitter . He did not care for me , nor did he care for anyone else . I am sure that this is something that comes with the passing of time , the torture of watching generations of mortals be born , grow old and die , all while making the same foolish mistakes that their parents made , and their parents before them . It is easy to see the patterns in history when you have lived through history . That cold emptiness affects all like me in the end . It will affect me , too . One day . So I always try to remember the awe and the fear of the first time that I took to the skies . It does not remind me of what it is like to be mortal ( what I remember is truly long gone ) , but it does help to keep me grounded . It reminds me that I was new once and I used to enjoy myself . I used to be a small dot in an enormous world , rather than the legend that I have become . I still find pleasure in that memory , and that is all I need to keep me going - though for how much longer , I cannot say . Share this : TwitterFacebookEmailLinkedInGoogleTumblrRedditPinterestPrintLike this : Like Loading . . . Hayley 's Chest October 21 , 2015October 9 , 2015 Laura Marie ClarkLeave a comment Hayley dropped her bag down onto the floor and settled into the armchair , releasing the tension that had built up within her throughout the day with a long sigh . It had been an exhausting day at work and , with the staff problems that they were currently having , it was only going to get worse over the course of the week . She rummaged through the bag for a cigarette and a lighter . Her hand brushed against something that felt like paper and she frowned at the contact ; she had been unaware that there was paper in her bag . She grabbed it and pulled . It was heavier than she had expected it to be and once she removed it from the bag , Hayley noticed that there was a key tied to the note . Hayley reached out to take hold of the key . It was cold under her fingers . The metal held secrets that Hayley had hoped to take to her grave . At first , she thought about calling Christopher . He had been the one with her that night , the passenger in her now abandoned car . She needed to know why he had chosen to return the key to her now . Was he unable to hide their secret any longer ? Had the police found him at last ? He was in it as deep as she was after all these years of hiding the evidence . Hayley was returned to the present by the cold key in her hand . She did not wish to be reminded of what she had done . No , she could not call Chris to ask him why , or if this was the end : it would bring up too many hurtful memories . The journey up the stairs felt like the longest of her life . Longer than the journey across the room to the bedside of her dying mother . Hayley pushed open the door of the spare bedroom and crossed it to the chest hidden at the back of the wardrobe . It was covered in cobwebs and a thick layer of dust ; Hayley pulled it out into the middle of the room , one hand running through the dry dust . She grimaced and brushed the dust onto her trousers before leaning over the chest to find the lock . There was dust gathered there within the hole too , and when she blew it away small flecks flew up her nose . Hayley sneezed , backing away to escape the dust particles in the air . What was kept inside was tattered and grey , with blood stains dried across it . Hayley stretched out her arms and pulled out the old jacket , examining it carefully . The jeans came next . The shirt , boxers and socks had once been white , but they had become dull with time . The fabric was thin and a nasty smell filled the room as soon as the chest was unlocked . It was just like the smell from that night . Hayley had not meant to hit the pedestrian with her car . She had been drinking that night - though not as much as Chris had - and the guy had walked straight out onto the road in front of her . There had been no way to stop in time . He had died almost instantly . As if the accident had not been enough , Hayley and Chris had then done something ridiculously stupid that had made the night even worse . They had tossed the body into the boot , taken it back to Chris ' house and buried it in the garden . But Chris , worried that the police would find him , had stripped the body first and taken the clothes back to Hayley 's place , then locked them in the trunk . They had both been implemented in this . If Chris ever thought that he was going to be caught , then he would send the key to Hayley and she would have to bite the bullet as well . That was their pact . In the five years since the accident , Hayley had been given plenty of opportunities to rid herself of the chest . She could have dumped it . Days had turned into weeks , weeks into months , and months into years , and still they had not been investigated . The burning shame in her gut had kept her away from that chest . Dumping it had not been an option . " You know what to do , " they said . The letters were large , sprawled across the wall and above the door . Hayley stood , staring over at them with a deep sense of worry in the pit of her stomach . Chris could not have come in and painted those words on her wall without her noticing . Below them , a shovel was leaning against the wall - which she was sure had not been there before . It was too clean to have been in the disused room for very long . Hayley took a step closer to those words , unsure what was happening to her . If this was not Chris , then who had sent her the key ? Who had written those words ? Who - ? It was as though someone had reached inside of her and tore out Hayley 's heart . The shock that surged through her quickly turned into guilt , and finally acceptance . For a while , she genuinely thought about digging up the body . Share this : TwitterFacebookEmailLinkedInGoogleTumblrRedditPinterestPrintLike this : Like Loading . . . The Monster Hidden Within October 7 , 2015September 26 , 2015 Laura Marie ClarkLeave a comment I think people like to hear stories about monsters . In a way , as strange as it might sound at first , the idea of monsters soothes them . Monsters provide the comforting notion that it is not " us " who cause others harm , but " them " . They divide the humans from the " something else " , and draw a line between what is considered the behaviour of a person and what is not . We make these monsters ugly or beyond our comprehension . They are designed to be repulsive to us . That is why I believe some of the scariest actions are those performed by people . I 'm talking about everyday people who we pass on the street : a man who is walking his dog might look like he had nothing to hide , so to discover that he has a sinister secret would shock us and scare us . How can he act completely normal if he has done something so terrible ? But then , that 's the point of monsters , because we 're supposed to know what they 're capable of from the moment we lay eyes on them . Oh , we label certain people monsters , but until we know what they have done we have no idea that they might be monsters . They look like you or I . We cannot discern their monstrous actions because they do not appear like the monsters in the stories we 've been told . Donald was this kind of a monster . He liked to go on walks ; he even had a dog . I met him on a dating website and I didn 't notice anything that might suggest there was anything sinister about him until he 'd ensnared me . Until the trap was set , and until I walked right into it . I can assure you , the fact that I am able to tell you this tale does not offer me much comfort . Our first date was like any first date should be . It was merry , dignified and just the right amount of silly . We both seemed nervous , although I am skeptical whether Donald actually feels anything : the fact that I could not tell he was acting is a compliment to his skills , and it makes me very concerned for other you . I know you 're out there somewhere , laughing at his jokes , sipping your wine around a smile that says I think I 've finally found the one . Trust me , you haven 't . But you won 't keep looking . We drank and chatted happily . When the bill came , he politely accepted my offer to split the bill with no arguments , which has always been a winner for me . I think it shows a lack of respect if the guy refuses to let you pay for your half , and I 've never had a second date with anyone who has argued with me about it . So of course , when he agreed , it sealed the deal . I was going to see him again . The second date was better than the first . It was my choice to select the venue , and we went to a cheaper restaurant - a choice that was largely influenced by the weight of my purse . Afterwards , we went back to his place and I was in awe at the glamour of it . Donald is rich , and it does knock the wind out of you a little to see how much he likes to show it off . You can 't help but feel a little bad - the stuff he has doesn 't matter ( or rather , it shouldn 't ) , and I realised with shame that when I took him back to mine it wasn 't going to live up to the splendour that he was used to . We kissed and I left . A week later , we met again to go to the cinema . I had an expectation that something was going to happen , but Donald claimed to have a prior engagement that meant we would not be able to go anywhere together . He took me to the apartment complex where I live , complimented the building more than was necessary , and then went home . Whether there really was something he needed to do is debatable . On our fourth date , Donald invited me to his home . He apologised for rushing off at the end of our last date and expressed his wishes that he could have stayed with me for longer . After a conversation that was engineered to sway me to agree , he asked me if I would like to sleep over at his that night . I needed no persuasion : by that point , I felt as though I had been the one waiting for him to be comfortable with the idea of being intimate with me . That may well have been the case . Oh , he 's passionate , I 'm sure you know that , but as I already said , he 's a good actor . He knows just what to do , just what to say , and just how to act to manipulate anyone to do anything . You 'll keep coming back to him and he 'll keep entertaining you until he decides to take the next step . It could be weeks ; it could be months . Even if you 're very good , I doubt you 'll get much more than that . I had about a month and a half . That 's good , I think . At least , it 's good compared to the woman who came before me : she only got a couple of weeks after their fourth date . If you 're wondering , then yes , every date went the same way as mine did . The same way as yours went , I have no doubt . Then I turned up one day at his place for a romantic evening watching a private movie to discover that the front door was unlocked and he wasn 't anywhere to be seen . There was a note on the kitchen table that told me to make myself comfortable and start the wine without him , so I did . I got through two glasses before he appeared . He didn 't look like the man I had been dating . Donald had always been a lively , enthusiastic looking man who had taken pride in his appearance : and it had been a good appearance , too . Those wavy golden locks had caught my attention right from the beginning , and his bright blue eyes had practically twinkled in the candlelight . This time , he looked tired , frustrated , and dark . The colour in his eyes had faded , as though a part of him had died . I passed him a glass of wine and asked him what was wrong . ' She 's dead , ' he had told me , and I had stopped in my tracks , about to pour myself a third glass . I put the bottle down slowly , moving across the sofa to cuddle him . He was sitting awkwardly , holding the glass out in front of himself as though he had no idea that it was there . I wondered who he was referring to - grandmother , mother , sister , friend - and whispering words of comfort in his ear . It didn 't seem to help . Not wishing to pry , I had told him that he could tell me anything he wanted to about this woman , and then I had fallen silent , aware that he may not want to talk about it . In all honesty , I had not known what I was expected to say : we had not been dating long enough for me to feel as though I knew what the right thing to say to him was . He told me nothing and we sat in silence for the duration of the movie , barely moving . At some point afterwards , I fell asleep in his arms . That was my big mistake , and one that I had been warned against - one that I 'm warning you against now . When I woke , I was chained to a wall in a room I had never seen before . I pulled at the chains . At first , I thought it was a game . He had spoken about bondage before and I was more than into it , although we had not yet got around to it . Only then did the letter that I had found hidden away in the silk nightgown after our fourth date come back to me . I had discarded it and abandoned it to the back of my mind , laughing myself silly at the hilarity of it . You will too , although you will regret it later on , just as deeply as I do . He began to come down to bring me food infrequently , perhaps once a day , perhaps less . I was always hungry when he brought it . The first few times , he did not speak . I begged him to let me out , I pleaded with him to explain this madness , but his face remained blank and his lips sealed in a thin , almost judgemental line . I felt like he believed I belonged there , in that damp cellar . When he got a little too close and I nearly bit him , then he spoke to me . He pulled back and frowned , then pointed to a set of chains that were hanging on the opposite wall . There was nothing in them but a loose bit of cloth that was stuck in one of the cuffs , and I had done all I could do to avoid looking at them until that moment . I wanted to add for now , but I refrained . I wondered how many women he had kept down here : she - the woman before me who he was referring to - had not been certain . Again I begged for release , for him to see sense , and when he left I prayed to anyone who would listen to save me from this nightmare . I have no reason to believe that anyone will answer , because nobody answered her when she prayed . Shouting did not help me . I had not heard anyone shouting when I had been in his house , although I am sure that there must have been someone there trying to get themselves heard . He began to get angry as I became more determined to escape , until as I had been warned he became violent , lashing out at me . It began with his fists , leaving me with bruises across my face and neck . Then , when he found that his fists no longer satisfied him , he used a plank of wood on the other side of the cellar . Around that time , he must have found you , because he took the silk nightgown I had become accustomed to off me and washed it . My thoughts of communicating with you seemed dashed , until he returned it and hung it on a hook above me , just within my reach . From what I understand of his garbled conversations with himself , the first woman - whoever she had been - had worn it all the time . He likes to keep it close to his prize . I knew then that there was not much time . My body felt weak and once I died , I knew that you would be the one to take my place . I followed the pattern of the woman before me , and of the woman before her , who had warned her of what she had warned me and I am warning you . I pried the biro from where it was hidden in the wall and wrote this letter for you on a piece of cloth ripped from my clothing . I did not damage the silk nightgown that he had dressed me in ; I stuffed this letter into the pocket of the nightgown as deep as I could get it and I now leave it for you to find . I know that you won 't listen to me , which is a shame . Of course , I understand why . I didn 't listen when I was told , and I learnt the hard way . You 'll be the same . I only hope that one day , somebody will be strong enough to break free of his spell and do the right thing . That , whoever they are , they 'll run as fast as they can to the nearest police station and tell the first officer they can find about what this man does . All of the information they 'll need to prove what he 's done will be available to them in the form of a letter , just like this one . Donald will finally be stopped . Share this : TwitterFacebookEmailLinkedInGoogleTumblrRedditPinterestPrintLike this : Like Loading . . . The Creature in the Garden September 23 , 2015August 20 , 2015 Laura Marie Clark2 Comments It 's cold . The rain is hammering on the window and the sound is almost deafening . I climb out of my bed and go over to the window , slowly reaching over to draw back the curtain . The rain crashes down on the glass as my hand moves closer and closer to the fabric . I pull it back and - I sigh in relief and lower my arm , allowing the curtain to fall back into place before returning to my bed . Within a few seconds of my eyes closing , the rain starts to come down heavier than before , smashing against the window as though it 's about to break through the glass . And then - A sound on the window , just like every other night . I pull the bedding higher , covering my face as I try to ignore the noise . I breathe slowly , anticipating the tapping again . And there it is . It isn 't going to stop until I react and I know it . I push the covers away and climb out of my bed , then move over to the window to have a look at the culprit . The curtain feels heavier than last time and it takes more effort for me to move it , holding the fabric back with both hands as I stare out of the window into the darkness . It 's there , just like it always is . Every night . Only - it 's closer this time . I stare at it and two bright yellow eyes stare back . It sits cross - legged on the grass outside of my window . That 's all it does , but then the fact that it never does anything more than that only makes it creepier . The rain doesn 't seem to disturb it . It just stares and stares - it never blinks . I don 't think it needs to . I don 't know what it is and I don 't wish to find out , but I do now that it hasn 't always been there . There was a time when it wasn 't there . There was a time when nothing tapped on the window and I slept peacefully every night . Every night since , it 's been sat there . I never hear it moving towards the window to knock on the glass or moving away from the house . By the time I climb out of my bed and pull back the curtain to look outside , it 's always sat down on the grass . I fear seeing it up close . I fear seeing anything more than that dark figure and the two unblinking eyes of a monster . I wonder if it will leave me alone tonight . Sometimes , it only taps on the window a few times . Sometimes , I find that after I 've looked out of the window , it stops knocking ( as though seeing me is what satisfies me , as crazy as I am to look at it ) . Sometimes , it taps all night long . I let the curtain fall back down and return to my bed . It takes a long time for me to drift off to sleep ; though the thing does not tap again , I lie there waiting for it to do so , hesitant and afraid . When I do eventually fall to sleep , I dream of yellow eyes staring at me from the other side of the room . It only taps a few times the following night . The night after that , it only taps once , which is rare . I look out of the curtain each night and notice with gladness that it has moved no closer to the window . I think about inviting someone to sleep over at my house for a while and wonder if that will make any difference . My parents would love to come visit me and it would be a comfort to know that there 's someone else in the house . Someone else who would hear those taps on my bedroom window . I wonder what they would think of me if I mentioned it and they didn 't hear or see anything . I wonder what might happen if they were there , in the room with me , and I was the only one to hear the taps ; if I was the only one who could see the thing sitting in my garden . I 've got no idea whether it 's real or in my mind any more . The more I think about it , the more certain I am that it can 't be real . I decide to take an approach that won 't publicise my insanity and set up a camera outside of my bedroom window to record the thing at night . If I get footage of it , I 'll have evidence of this thing . It 's a better approach than simply taking a picture of it from inside the house : the flash might startle it or cause it to move closer to the window , and this way I would be able to see where it came from and where it went when it left . I shiver at the sound , certain that it 's a little louder this time , a little more insistent . I hear the bed springs creak as I climb off the mattress , wincing at the noise . My feet touch the carpet and my toes curl as I hear the thing tapping on the window for a third time . I stand and make my way over to the window . The curtain feels heavy again tonight as I push it aside , leaning towards the glass to see the figure in the garden . It 's there staring at me , those eyes gleaming in the darkness . It 's not raining but the wind is rough , blowing through the bushes in the garden ; the weather doesn 't seem to affect the black shape sitting on the grass . It 's immobile , like a statue , silent and unblinking . I retreat to the bed . It goes on for some time . In the early hours of the morning , before it starts to get light outside , the tapping ceases and I manage to get a bit of sleep . When I wake , I feel physically drained and spend most of the day only half awake . It 's not until the evening that I remember the camera outside . It takes me a few more days to work up the courage I need to watch what that camera has recorded . I 've got four nights worth of footage before I decided it 's time to watch it . Somehow , seeing what that thing does outside of my window every night is far more frightening than what I 've become used to - going over to the window and staring at it for a few seconds through the curtains . On the previous night , it had looked a little closer to the house , which had been enough to persuade me to watch the footage . I decide to do it in the middle of the day , aware that if I watch the footage when it 's getting dark I 'll probably freak myself out . I sit down in the living room , the room furthest from my bedroom , and prepare myself a hot drink before going anywhere near what I 've recorded . The footage can be played on my laptop , but I do everything I can to distract myself from pressing the play button . I 'm very aware that what I 'm about to watch might make everything I experience at night that much worse . I 'm also aware that it might expose everything I 've been through for the past month or so as an elaborate hoax . As much as I pray for the latter ( it would be a great relief to discover that this is someone 's idea of a joke ) , I don 't believe it can be a hoax . The idea that someone places a plastic figure in my garden and taps on my window every night seems preposterous . It 's gone on for too long for this to be fake . I sit myself down with the laptop on my knee , then click play , holding my breath . It 's a while before I see anything significant and I skip through the beginning of the footage until the screen flickers and goes black . I slow down the speed of the footage when this happens , frowning at the computer screen for about half a minute before the screen flickers back to life , showing my front garden again . Only now there 's a black figure sitting cross - legged on the grass outside of my window . It 's facing the house , two large yellow eyes staring at the window below the camera . I watch it with baited breath , waiting for it to move . The time in the corner of the screen tells me that I had been climbing into bed at this time ; for a while nothing happens , the stillness of the creature unnerving as I wait for something to occur . It 's going to move soon and tap on the window , I know it . Three quiet taps and then it 'll rush away from the house to sit down before I get to the window . I wonder with some fear whether anything about it will change when I pull the curtain back , and my heart beats faster as I wait for the moment of change . Slowly , to my disbelief , it raises one arm - as black and mysterious as the rest of the creature - and points it towards the window . I tilt my head to one side , bewildered . The window is too far away for it to possibly reach it , but it stretches out its arm anyway as though the window is going to move closer to it . I expect it to stand and move over to the window when it fails to reach the glass . It doesn 't . It stays cross - legged on the floor , only its arm moving . I watch with disbelief as the arm gets longer , stretching impossibly thin and long until the hand reaches the window . I blink , staring dumbly at the screen . The thing knocks three times and in my head I can hear the tap tap tap on my bedroom window . Then the arm retracts and the creature is still once more . No other part of the creature moved , only that awful arm which grew too long to tap on the window . It happens twice more , each successive time turning my stomach more than the last . The unnatural shape of that arm , the way it seems to grow out of the creature as the rest of it remains motionless , is deeply chilling . Watching it feels wrong simply because I know that arms can 't do that . After the third set of taps , I sit back in my seat a little , hoping that it isn 't going to respond to the sight of me looking at it from the window . I can 't see myself on the screen but I know I must be at the window by now , staring at that thing . It doesn 't move or respond . I breathe a sigh of relief . I know it 's going to start tapping again once I 've gone . I know that arm is going to reach out again and tap the window - and that it will do this all night long . What I don 't expect is for something to become visible beneath those yellow eyes : a set of pointed white teeth , appearing out of the black shape of the creature to create a sinister smile . But that 's exactly what happens . I never work up the courage to watch the rest of the footage ; I delete it as soon as I 'm willing to go near the laptop again . Those sharp white teeth and that awful grin keep flashing through my mind . I wish that I could do something to make those images go away , but I can 't . For a while , I wish I had shown the footage to someone before I had deleted it , but later realised that if they had seen nothing I would 've had to face up to the fact that I 'm losing my mind . I don 't want to discover this is all in my head . I decide to sleep in the living room that night . I bring my blankets and pillow from the bedroom before it gets dark and settle down on the sofa , flicking through channels on the television long into the night . There 's nothing on but I watch it just to give myself something to do . Sleep now seems impossible . The sound is much louder this time , as though it 's trying to be heard over the television . I begin to shake , my whole body moving involuntarily , all of my control gone . It knows I 'm not in the bedroom - and how it could possibly know that doesn 't matter . There are tears in the corners of my eyes as I wait for whatever is going to come next . I have no idea what to expect . I squeeze the remote tightly in my hand , hoping this will provide me with some stability . I 've managed to stop most of my body from shaking but I can 't control my right arm as I point the remote unsteadily at the television and turn the volume all the way up . The noise coming from the television is extraordinary and I push my head into the pillow in an attempt to drown it out . I groan into the pillow . It isn 't going to leave me alone at all . It isn 't going to go away . In fact , it only seems to be trying harder . The banging continues for about half an hour until I become bored . The volume of the television has all but burst my eardrums and I turn it off , a loud ringing sound echoing around in my ears . I 'm tired and I only want to sleep , but the noise from my bedroom won 't stop . There 's only one thing for it . I drag the covers and the pillow back to my room and throw them on the bed before turning to the window . My throat feels tight ; I can barely breathe . The curtain hangs down heavily , the last barrier between myself and the terrifying creature in my garden . I move towards it , raising my hand to push the curtain aside , and with my heart thundering in my chest I grab hold of the material , moving it slowly out of my way . It takes all of my remaining strength not to scream at what I see . The thing outside of my bedroom window isn 't sitting cross - legged on the grass like it normally does - it 's stood right outside of the window , looking in . It 's smiling , just like it did in the footage I recorded . That dark head turns towards me when I pull back the curtain . Those two yellow eyes meet my own and the grin widens a little at the sight of me . It reaches up with one arm - this time , in proportion to the rest of it - and stretches out a finger to touch the glass . I wonder , in a moment of insanity , whether it wants me to tap back . I almost do - before I realise that whatever it wants me to do can 't be good for me . We stand there staring at one another for a few moments before I allow the curtain to swing shut and obscure the creature from view . The following morning , I pack my bags and leave . I should 've left when I first saw that thing sitting outside of my bedroom window , but at that time I was determined not to let it drive me out of my home . Seeing it up close changed my mind very quickly . I 'm staying with my parents for a while . Just until the nightmares become manageable - I don 't ever expect them to go away . I 'm not sure where I 'll go after that , but it won 't be anywhere near my old house . I 've not been disturbed by anything in the night since I left that place . Share this : TwitterFacebookEmailLinkedInGoogleTumblrRedditPinterestPrintLike this : Like Loading . . . Dreamcatcher September 9 , 2015August 9 , 2015 Laura Marie Clark4 Comments ' Dreamcatcher catch all the bad dreams I have tonight . Dreamcatcher catch all the bad dreams I have tonight . Dreamcatcher catch all the bad dreams I have tonight . ' At seventeen , he still swore by the thing . He had been chanting to it every night for almost ten years of his life and his stepfather had had enough . A brief argument with Luke 's mother , Alice , ended with her husband storming upstairs into Luke 's bedroom while the teen was at college and tearing the thing down from the ceiling . ' Which would be fine if he was still a kid , ' John snapped at her , pushing past her so that he could race back down the stairs to throw the dreamcatcher in the bin . ' He 's supposed to be a man , Alice . He 's not supposed to believe in these things any longer . ' Luke noticed the dreamcatcher was missing as soon as he entered his room . Aware that John disliked the object and the faith that he held in it , Luke waiting until his stepfather was out of the house to ask his mother where the dreamcatcher was . Alice pointed to the bin , watching Luke take the item out of the bin and take it back up to his bedroom without trying to stop him . John found it again , of course . For a few nights the dreamcatcher stayed where Luke had returned it at the foot of his bed , but John heard him chanting to it on the fourth night and the next day it was gone again . This time , his mother told him that it was in the dustbin outside and Luke had to race the garbage man to the bin in order to get the dreamcatcher back . He hung it up again , although he made certain to keep his voice low when he was speaking to it and he took it down when he left the house in the hope that John wouldn 't be able to find it . One week passed , then another , and another . Luke knew that he couldn 't keep up the act forever , and sure enough one morning when he was in a hurry to get out of the door , he forgot to take down the dreamcatcher and hide it in the door of his desk . If only John had been busy that day ! Alice , taking full advantage of the fact that John did very little , made him responsible for stripping and changing Luke 's bed and , predictably , upon spotting the dreamcatcher he tore it down from the ceiling . ' I can 't believe you would be so reckless ! ' Alice told him when he brought it downstairs . ' That 's one of Luke 's most valued possessions ! Isn 't it obvious that he cares about it a lot when he keeps going through the bins to find it ? ' Devastated , Luke spent an hour going through the bins outside the house . He didn 't want to believe that John had burned the dreamcatcher but , covered in dirt and other things he wasn 't sure he wanted to know the names of , he gave in . It was gone . He paced up and down in his bedroom before bed . The dreamcatcher had been a part of his bedtime ritual ever since his father had first given it to him and told him that it would protect him from nightmares if he asked it to . As a child who had suffered from a lot of nightmares , he had been incredibly grateful . It had worked , too . He wasn 't sure whether it was some psychological thing , like a comfort that allowed him to sleep easily , but he couldn 't remember the last time that he had had a nightmare . The only occasions when he had not slept easily within the past ten years were when he slept in another bed without the presence of his dreamcatcher . He came to a halt at the foot of his bed and looked up at the hook in the ceiling , where the dreamcatcher had once hung . It was strange to see the space so bare ; the removal of such an important item made his bedroom seem alien . Luke sighed , rubbing his eyes as he tried to figure out how to work his night time ritual into these new circumstances . At first , there 's nothing peculiar . Nothing out of the ordinary . Luke doesn 't see or experience anything that suggests there 's going to be a lasting impact from the removal of his dreamcatcher and his dreams are peaceful . He 's doesn 't want to relax too soon , so he keeps pointing out that it wasn 't him before he goes to bed as though this will continue whatever the presence of the dreamcatcher did to ease his mind . Then one night , he wakes up to a strange noise . It sounds like a scream , and at first he isn 't sure where it 's coming from - he isn 't even sure if he 's awake . He jumps out of bed , scattering the duvet and pillows across the room , but by the time he 's got to his feet the screaming his stopped . It happens the next night . It happens the night after that . On the third evening after John 's screams first woke him , Luke stands at the foot of his bed and stares up at the hook in the ceiling . If someone had asked him how he felt about the dreamcatcher a month ago , he would have said that he didn 't really believe it protected him ; he believed that the idea of it protecting him protected him . Now , he isn 't sure what to think . He could have passed it off as a coincidence if it had happened one night , but it didn 't . He had caught his mother asking John when the nightmares started that morning , and had managed to count the nights back to the first one when he had slept without his dreamcatcher . He stares at the hook , as though expecting it to do something , which it doesn 't . ' I didn 't want this to happen , ' he states . ' John may have a temper but he isn 't a bad man . He didn 't mean to cause any harm . I don 't want him to have nightmares . ' There are no screams . Luke wakes promptly to the sound of his alarm , then heads downstairs to get his breakfast . Neither his mother nor his stepfather are awake , but that isn 't unusual : they normally come down a few minutes after he does . Luke flicks on the kettle for them both and busies himself with his cereal , pouring it into a bowl before heading over to the fridge . He jumps backwards at the sight . Instead of shelves of vegetables , yogurts and his mother 's health foods , there 's a black space in front of him . He can 't tell how far it goes or whether it ends . Hanging from the top of the fridge , catching his eye and distracting his attention from the strange depth of the fridge , is his dreamcatcher . It 's torn from the top to the middle and it 's emitting an odd glow . A moment later it sets alight , the flames moving from the dreamcatcher to the fridge and setting it too on fire . Luke moves away from the fridge , but the fire doesn 't stop there . He 's always been afraid of fire . It moves around the room to the table , chairs and counters ; black smoke billows out of the oven , which swings open ; cupboards almost hit him in the face as they follow suit , flames leaping out of them to lick at his skin . Sweat runs down the back of his neck . His breath comes in short , sharp gasps and there 's a pain in his chest that he 's sure is going to make him black out . He can barely see to reach the door , but he puts his arms out in front of him and tries to find it using his memory . Luke wakes , shouting and sitting up in bed . He 's dripping with sweat and panting like he 's just run a marathon , but those things don 't bother him . He has bigger concerns . The decision itself is easy . Luke can 't allow John to have bad dreams if they mean his stepfather wakes up screaming every night , because he cares about the man despite how much of a jerk he can be . John didn 't have a bad dream on the night that Luke excused him , but neither can Luke have those nightmares every single night . It 's figuring out how to stop them both from suffering that 's the hard part . At first , he tries the chant he used for ten years , but with the dreamcatcher gone it isn 't as effective and he has a strange - though thankfully not frightening - dream that convinces him that isn 't going to work . He could get a new dreamcatcher , but John won 't allow him to have one and is even less likely to be impressed if Luke claims it 's to protect him as well . When he thinks about it , there 's only one thing that he can do and even if it affects his life in a negative way , the positive connotations of not having to constantly worry about nightmares are far more important . Luke packs his bag as soon as he can . He doesn 't want to spend another night without a dreamcatcher . He contacts his boss to see if he can transfer his job , but he has no luck and is forced to resign . His college is a little more helpful , allowing him to apply to study at another college closer to his father 's house and , as luck would have it , there 's a space going on his chosen course . Resigned to find a job when he gets there , he says goodbye to his mother and stepfather and leaves that day . As he stands in his new bedroom , he stares up at the dreamcatcher hanging at the foot of his bed . His father will never take it down , because he knows how important it is to keep bad dreams at bay : if the dreamcatcher hanging over his father 's bed tells Luke anything , it 's that the man is only too aware of that fact . He clears his throat and speaks clearly . ' Dreamcatcher catch all the bad dreams I have tonight . Dreamcatcher catch all the bad dreams I have tonight . Dreamcatcher catch all the bad dreams I have tonight . ' Share this : TwitterFacebookEmailLinkedInGoogleTumblrRedditPinterestPrintLike this : Like Loading . . . Tyler 's Reflection August 22 , 2015July 27 , 2015 Laura Marie ClarkLeave a comment Tyler had never liked his reflection . Similar to most people , there were thing about his appearance that he would have liked to have been able to change , but that was not the issue . He did not like his reflection because when he looked at it , he was not sure that he was really looking at himself . It did everything that an ordinary reflection was supposed to do . It winked when he winked , it moved as he moved , and it never missed a single thing he did , no matter how fast he was . That was not the reason behind his suspicions that he was looking at someone - or something - else . He had seen himself in photographs and on video and he had seen his reflection , and there were clear , alarming , differences . For starters , there were noticeable differences around his eyes . In photographs , he had bright eyes surrounded by a few age lines that became more visible when he smiled . They were natural , and although they revealed his true age he did not feel particularly bothered about them . His reflection have his eyes another appearance : they were surrounded by dark marks , as though his daughter had attacked him with mascara and missed . They made him look tired and mean . It was alarming to look in the mirror and see himself like that . Then there was his hair . No matter how much he looked after it , washed it and treated it , his reflection stared back at him with a head of greasy hair . He would run his hand through it whenever he saw himself , but he knew that it did not really look like that . He could feel how soft and smooth it was under his fingers . The worst feature his reflection had , however , was its smile . Tyler did his best not to grin when he looked into the mirror , because the smirk that was shot back at him by his other self was disturbing . Reflective surfaces would sometimes catch him out , and he had to be careful not to react to that grin when he was out in public . The unnerving appearance of his reflection gave him chills up and down his spine and nightmares all night long . Was it just his mind playing tricks on him ? Was he only imagining that he looked good in photographs ? There were times when he thought he had to look like the man who stared back at him in the mirror and that the man in photographs was only a projection of what he wished he looked like . Then there were other times when his reflection freaked him out and he was sure that there was something evil hidden behind those dark , judging eyes . He stood in front of the bathroom mirror and tested his reflection from time to time . When he was satisfied and walked away , he would often wonder whether he had been the one in control - or whether it had been his reflection that had been testing him . Every day it looked a little bit darker , and he became a little bit more paranoid that it did not belong to him . Tyler had no idea what he would do if his reflection did do something unexpected . Scream like a baby , perhaps . That imperfect copy of himself haunted him wherever he went and he watched it carefully , certain that it was watching him back . WordPress . com © Laura Clark and inspiredstoriesandpoems . wordpress . com , 2015 . Unauthorized use and / or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog 's author and / or owner is strictly prohibited . Excerpts and links may be used , provided that full and clear credit is given to Laura Clark and inspiredstoriesandpoems . wordpress . com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content .

Something I wrote months and months ago that I never posted . . . Thought I might as well post it since I wrote it . This was me blowing off steam . Sweet cheeks , you present yourself as someone who is " deep " and cares about everyone and is super nice but I 've listened to you speak . You are kind to peoples face and behind their back all you do is talk down about them or talk about how much they annoy you . You are two faced . You are one person when you are looking and another when they look away . Stop acting like you do no wrong , because you do . You say that it hurts you when people tell you they are upset with you , well guess what Honny , at least they are telling you to your face . Hey , guess what , I 'm fucking mad at you . Goldy Locks , You try and tell people what is best for them , you act like you know everything . You don 't . You try to make everyone think that you are the top gun , but here 's the thing , you have no god damn spine . You are a weak person and you need help . You won 't admit that you need help and you don 't allow anyone to even try . You can 't let go . You let people walk all over you . You cling to your ex and you let it destroy you . You hang out with her even though it kills you . You cause more drama then you help . You show up to parties where she is with her new squeeze and you get wasted and cry and ruin your night , and everyone else 's . Move on already . She doesn 't love you , and she never did , not like that anyways . She only liked you as a really good friend , she just thought it was more . She cheated on you , and yet you still beg for her back . She isn 't coming back , so seriously stop hurting yourself and walk away . Grow some balls and stand up for yourself . You are not better than me , so stop acting like you are . I don 't owe you anything , nor do you owe me . You are not my babysitter , so stop watching my every move . We are equals . We are both human . We both breath air . You like to act like you are my superior . You 're not . Do you think I don 't notice when you act like Im a parasite , like I 'm a plage to avoid ? I have eyes , I see the way you look at me . I notice everything . I am vigilant . I notice more than most people do . I can read you . Don 't think for a second that I can 't read you like a book . Its a feeling I know all too well . Im the type of person who jumps into things head first . All or nothing . I tend to take on more than I can handle and I let myself down . Not only that but when people say " maybe we 'll do this " I get really excited and when it doesn 't happen I feel really low and upset . I don 't understand why . I need to learn to pace myself and take life on one step at a time rather than try to take down 6 things at once . I tend to overwhelm myself with things that I really don 't need to worry about at that particular point in time . For example ; When I decide I want to do a New workout , its not just a try the work out , I more or less say I need to eat like this , I need to exercise blank number of times a day , I need to lose this much by this time . . So on and so forth , which sometimes works for people , however I get discouraged when I don 't get results fast enough . That 's not a way I want to be . Patience is something one learns , its not like you 're born with it . I need to teach myself to be patient , wait for things to happen in their own time and I need to not expect so much out of myself all at once . Easier said then done . I feel like I should be so much further in my life right now . I feel like I haven 't accomplished anything . I need to move forward . I need to stop being so negative , but again , easier said then done . . . So , I just want to warn whoever is reading this , if you are offended easily , or grossed out or overly sensitive to sexual content , stop reading now . This blog post is about being molested as a child . So , Stop now if that bothers you . I do not feel that this person deserves to have their name protected or hidden . This person is the lowest sickest type of person . He damaged me in ways that I still haven 't figured out . He killed who I once was . He stole my childhood . When I was almost 5 years old I had a babysitter . His name was Donald . After a few weeks of babysitting me , he got comfortable around our home . One night , my Mom and her boyfriend went out . I don 't remember where they were going , but that doesn 't matter . I was sitting on the couch with Donald watching TV before I went to bed , which I only got to do when he was babysitting . We were sitting there and he started to rub himself . After a few minutes he unzipped his pants and pulled his penis out . He looked over at me , while still rubbing himself , and asked me ( a 5 year old kid ) if I wanted to touch it . I didn 't answer him . I felt sick and wasn 't sure why . I turned and kept watching the TV . After a few more minutes he reached over and took my hand , placed it around his penis , and put his hand over mine , and made me rub it , this went on for about 10 minutes , and then my Mom and her boyfriend unexpectedly came home early . He moved my hand , zipped up his pants , and told me not to tell anyone . This continued for a few weeks . He told me that it was OK , and that no one needed to know because I would get him in trouble and I didn 't want to do that because we were " friends " and that he cared about me . He would " reward me " for not telling by letting me stay up late or watch whatever TV show I wanted . . etc . After I while , I assume that the touching got boring for him . One day , as he had his hand over mine , making me touch him , he reached over and placed his hand between my legs . Eventually , when it would be time for me to go to bed , he would come and lay down behind me . He would rub himself against me . Sometimes , he would actually take it his pants off and just be in his boxers and rub himself against me . This happened everyday . Sometimes he would come over during the day , and he would come to my room to " play " with me while my mom went about her chores . He was basically making sure that I wasn 't telling anyone anything . I felt sick , I didn 't know what was wrong , all I knew is that something wasn 't right . When I was 6 years old , he asked me if I knew what sex was . I said no , because obviously at 6 years old , you don 't know what sex is . He told me all about it . Every little detail . I wanted to puke . He started to tell me more and more about all the different sexual things one could do to and for another . One day , I wasn 't doing what I was supposed to and he put me in time out in my room . After a few minutes , he came in and I was standing against the wall . He unzipped his pants and told me he wanted me to put it in my mouth . I said no . He got angry and grabbed my arm , I started to cry , he dropped his pants and I fell to my knees and cried , so hard . He tried to force his penis into my mouth . I closed my mouth and turned my head and cried harder . I begged him to stop , told him I didn 't like it and I didn 't want to do it . He was so angry . He picked me up and threw me onto my bed . He sat down next to me and grabbed me and rolled me over . ( I had turned towards the wall . ) He reached down to his zipper again , noticed the time , got up and walked out of my room and closed the door . When I stopped crying he came back in and said he was really sorry and that it wouldn 't happen again . He begged me not to tell anyone . . For the next year , he tried to be my friend and get me to trust him again . He still made me touch him but he would be really nice to me all the time . He started asking me to sit on his lap all the time . When I was 7 , my moms boyfriend was in the hospital for a week , and my mom was working 12 hour shifts , so I was left with the babysitter often . I was in my moms room , laying on her bed , playing with my dog , when Donald came in . He told me it was time to get ready for bed and that I needed to take a bath . He filled the tub and came and got me when it was done . When I went in , I closed the door and got in , not 2 minutes later , he came in and sat on the toilet seat . He watched me take my bath . I asked him to leave , and he didn 't . When it was time for me to get out , he said he would help me get my pyjama 's on . I was 7 years old , I didn 't need help . I told him that . . He insisted . That night , he laid on my bed with me and asked me to hug him , I didn 't want to . He acted really sad and told me that I had hurt his feelings , so I hugged him . I woke up later , to find him touching me . When I woke up , he just looked at me and smiled and asked me if I liked it . I didn 't say anything , I tried to turn over and get up . He stopped me . He started to kiss me . I kept moving my head away , and he would grab it so I couldn 't move . This went on for years , he would make me touch him , he would touch me and kiss me and try to make me go further and further . When I would start to cry and freak out he would go away and come back later and try to make me happy so I wouldn 't tell anyone . As I got older , I was embarrassed . He made me feel like it was normal , and that lots of people did it and that if I told my Mom it would only get worse . I was scared , so I didn 't say anything . When I was 10 years old , he took my pants off , he rubbed me over my underwear . He then took his pants off and took my underwear off . He rubbed his penis against my vagina . I started to cry . I wanted him to stop . I knew it was wrong , and I didn 't want him to touch me anymore . He covered my mouth with his hand and kept rubbing himself against me . He would rub harder and harder every time . I kept trying to get away . He wouldn 't let me . After doing this for what felt like forever , he stopped and went to the washroom . When he came out , he made me get dressed again and threatened me . When I said I was going to tell on him , he burnt me with a lighter . He threatened me again and again . I was so scared . I promised I wouldn 't tell anyone . Ever . Every time he would babysit me it would get worse and worse . He would never actually have sex with me , but he would rub me with his penis , and he would fondle me when ever he had the chance . Eventually , just after my 12th birthday , I told my Mom I didn 't want a babysitter anymore . I begged her . She asked why and I just said that I didn 't like Donald and I didn 't want him to watch me anymore . I begged her not to tell him that I asked her to make him stop babysitting me . She found me a new babysitter , and I was really happy . One day , as I was walking home from school , I ran into him . He saw me and smiled and asked me to hug him . I refused . He kept trying to make me , and I kept saying no . Louder and louder every time . He kept coming towards me , so I stomped on his foot as hard as I could and I ran around him and ran to my home . after a while , I blocked it out of my mind . I had completely forgotten about it . Sometimes , I would get really uncomfortable around guys I didn 't know alone . I didn 't know why , I thought I was just shy . . . . When I was 19 I signed into my FaceBook and saw that I had a friend request . When I clicked it , I saw the name Donald . I ran to the bathroom and threw up , I didn 't know why I felt so sick . . After a couple hours , I started to remember things . In great detail . I would shake uncontrollably . I couldn 't believe that he would try to add me on FaceBook after everything that he had done . I blocked him . It still bothers me to this day that this man , who did this to me , now has a 4 year old daughter . Does he touch her ? Does he do that to her ? Is she safe ? I haven 't written everything in here , because there are some things that I can 't bring myself to write or consciously remember . I have nightmares about it sometimes . It feels like I 'm really there and it 's happening all over again . I 'm hoping by writing this , it helps me move past it . I 've tried to forgive him , because I need to move on with my life , yet no matter how hard I try , I can 't . I just can 't Please , no rude comments or immature jokes . This is very personal and it really hurts . I don 't need to be criticized or put down . I didn 't know any better . You know , sometimes I worry that if my family reads my blog that they would hate me , but at the same time Im doing this for me , not them . Im being honest in how I feel , what I remember , what Im thinking about . This is the most open I 've ever been . You know if you can 't accept this stuff , then you can 't accept me . Simple , right ? Yet I still worry about it . I feel so dumb doing so , but I can 't stop . My mind is always racing with thoughts and I feel like its really hard to turn it off . I have trouble sleeping because my mind is so busy . I keep trying to find the off switch but its like trying to find the light switch in a dark unfamiliar room . Nearly impossible . I 've been thinking about meditation . Im not sure if it would work for me , but Id be willing to try it . Just to turn off my brain for a little while . I find that writing my thoughts down here last few days have helped a little . I 've defiantly been sleeping better . I honestly didn 't even know anyone read my blogs until my friend messaged me on Facebook about it . I was amazed at the amount of support she gave me . My Dad wasn 't really around much , mainly because my Mom and I had moved out of our home town and went 4 hours away . . I wish my parents were together . I get jealous of other people sometimes when they talk about going to see their parents , or when they talk about growing up with both parents . I feel like I missed out on a lot . I remember we used to go out on the three - wheeler and go up the hill behind Grammies house and get to this big field with this one GIANT oak tree . It was beautiful . There was no other tree 's around that one . It was completely isolated in the field . I remember it being amazing to me . The most beautiful thing I had ever seen . Sometimes when I get upset , I think back to that field , that tree . . the warm breeze . I remember the smell . So fresh . The birds singing and the sun . It was magical , really . It 's my happy place . I remember the summer that the oak tree was struck by lightning . I was really upset . The tree was completely ruined . Split almost perfectly down the middle . I remember Macky ( my Dad 's dad , technically my grandfather , but I 'm not getting into why I call him by his name instead of grampy ) took me up on his four - wheeler to see it , and he would sing to me " The old oak tree , she ain 't what she used to be . . " Broke my heart to see the most perfect thing I 'd ever seen , destroyed over night . As I got older , the trips to my Dad 's in the summer seemed to get awkward . My Dad would go out with his friends and I would be alone with my grandparents , or with my cousin at my Uncle Clinton 's house next door . I wanted to stay home and play with my friends , not be in Perth . I found it got boring after a few weeks , because I was getting used to being in the city and having so many things to do so close to home rather than being in the country . I think my Dad resented that . My Dad and Mom started in a custody battle when I was 7 . It went on for years . I remember the mean and hurtful things that they would say about each other . My Dad 's mother was the worst for it . I understand that she doesn 't like my mother , but some of the things she would say , would hurt me too . The way I looked at it was that I came from my mother , I am part of her , and she is part of me . When they would say mean and hateful things about my mother , they would hurt me too , because in a way it would reflect on me as well . Over time , after hearing the lawyers talk , and my parents talk and what everyone had to say , I wanted it to end . I was so tired of it . I wrote my Dad a letter . I told him that I wanted him to stop , I told him that I wanted to live with my Mom and stay where I was and stay at the school I was at because I actually had friends there . I told him that what he was saying about my Mom was wrong , and hurtful to me . I went 10 years without talking to my Dad . It actually really bothered me . I would think about him often , I would wonder if he ever thought about me , if he ever wondered what I was like now , if he ever thought to try to contact me . . It used to eat at me . When I started dating my boyfriend , I remember talking to him about my dad , and about how I wanted to talk to him again . He helped me write a letter . We went and parked in the middle of winter , by the beach and watched the water and I had my laptop and I just wrote down everything that I felt . I added my dad on Facebook , and got his email . I sent him the email , with every thought and feeling I had ever had in it . It was so scary waiting to see if he would respond . He finally responded and we started talking more . It was great . He came down to visit me , and it was a little awkward . I didn 't know if he would even like who I had become . It had been 10 years . A lot happens to a person in 10 years . By that point I had already thought about what I wanted to do with my life . I talked to him about my life , about my goals , I told him about my boyfriend . . I over heard him talking to my mom the next morning . They didn 't know I was awake yet . He asked my mom if I was pregnant . That hurt . He said that I was overweight . He started trying to tell me what I should do with my life . etc . Thats not what I wanted to do . I understand that he probably just wanted to best for me , but at the time I looked at it like , you 've been out of my life for 10 years , didn 't try to contact me , and now you are trying to direct my life ? I didn 't like it . Things are a little better now , I think he has realized that I am going to go down my own path , that I am a grown woman now . Sometimes I wish we talked more . However life doesn 't always allow time for it . Sometimes it 's hard to get ahold of him because he doesn 't stay home often , and I try to stay busy . I try to tell him about my goals and my aspirations , and sometimes I feel like he doesn 't care . He doesn 't really have much to say about it , and I don 't understand . I think I over think a lot of things . . I just really wished that my dad was in my life growing up . I have a lot of regret . Telling my dad I wanted nothing to do with him is one of the things I regret . I love my dad , he 's the only one I have . I can never make up for the 10 years lost , but I can build a new relationship with him . I probably don 't really try as hard as I could to keep in contact with him . . I should change that . I just always get caught up in my own stuff that I forget that I haven 't emailed or called him in a while . It makes me feel bad . I need to remind myself that I need to keep him in the loop because that 's the only way I am going to start to rebuild what I lost . I wish he came to visit more , or that I went to see him more . . but losing 10 years . . . it changes a relationship . It 's like trying to get to know a stranger that you only see once in a while . It 's hard . I wish he tried harder too . I wish he accepted me for who I am . I 'm sorry for everything . I 'm trying to fix it , I just don 't know how . I feel like I 've let too much time go by . I don 't know what to do anymore . . It 's so frustrating and confusing . As I sit alone in my apartment I can 't help but sit back as my mind wonders to all sorts of things . . I feel like no matter how much I try to look for the positive in something I always end up thinking about the most negative parts . I have a tendency to go straight to the worst case scenario . Every time . I get scared of situations that are potentially good , I don 't allow myself to open up and grow because I 'm scared of what others are going to think of me , or what COULD happen if I go for it . The most frustrating part of it all is that I find myself crying for no reason , I find myself lost in some dark cold place in my mind , that was never there before , or at least , I never noticed it . I feel like I 've lost my strength . I can 't hide anymore . When I was 4 , my Mom met a man , we 'll call him " Wheels . " He found us in Perth , and he moved us to Salisbury NB to his home . When my mother would go to work , he would lock me in my room and I wasn 't aloud to come out until my mom was off work , when we would eat supper , I was only aloud to have a spoon full of whatever was being served . When he would go for a drive , he would make my mother , because he was in a wheelchair , carry him from the van , to the house . He wouldn 't even get in his wheelchair and wheel himself inside . Sometimes , as my mother was carrying him into the house he would be calling her names and yelling at her . I don 't understand how she did it . I couldn 't . When they would go out , his son would babysit me , and molest me . . He would make me do things , and I had no idea what I was doing , I just knew it felt wrong . I want to write out everything I can remember him making me do , but I 'm scared of what people will think . I know it wasn 't my fault , but deep down , I am still ashamed . I often find myself thinking about it . I had blocked it from my mind for a long time , I had completely forgotten about it and him , until he tried to add me on FaceBook . I saw his name and I puked . I just got so sick , and I started to remember everything . Ever little detail . I wish I could forget it again . I try to be strong and I try to forgive him , because I don 't need to waste my time hating someone for something they did . I know that he will never own up to what he did , I know this because I had messaged him about it , and he flat out denied it . That hurt . I wasn 't looking for an apology , I just wanted him to acknowledge what he did and how he made me feel and how he has affected my life . . I don 't know what I was expecting really . . but I wanted to tell him . My Mom eventually left " Wheels " when I was 7 and we moved to a little apartment in town . She met a man that she worked with and started dating him . We 'll call him " The Angry Giant . " He was good for the first little while . He made my mom really happy , and I was glad , but as time went on , he would lose control of his anger more and more often . Eventually EVERYTHING made him angry , now I do admit that sometimes I did deserve to get yelled at , he was a little out of control . I wasn 't aloud to go out and play with my friends , I wasn 't aloud to have friends over , or go to their houses . Eventually , it got to the point where he would call me names , all the time , everyday , numerous times a day . He made me feel like the lowest piece of shit there is out there . If I didn 't clean my room fast enough he would come in with a garbage bag and throw my things out . If a piece of paper fell onto the floor and I didn 't notice before he did , it was like the wrath of hell unleashed in the living room . He would always yell at my Mom . He would tell her that it was " the mothers job " to clean , and to cook , etc . My friends would notice eventually . They would show up to my house and knock on the door to see if I could come out and hang out , and " The Angry Giant " would chase them away . He used to threaten my male friends , and say extremely rude things about my female friends . There was never any pleasing him . EVER . When he would ask me a question and I gave an answer that he didn 't like , I would get yelled at for hours on end . I wasn 't aloud to get up and go to the bathroom . Sometimes he would yell for 4 - 6 hours straight . No exaggeration here . The neighbours would ask me and my Mom about it , because they would hear him yelling , and me crying . . and we would tell them it was nothing . My mom and I would go out ( on the rare occasion he let us go out ) and we would have to think of a lie to tell him about what we did that day , because if we said something out of place , it would lead to screaming and yelling and things being thrown around . . as time went on it escalated to him picking me up and throwing me around , he would push me , he would slap me . I never told anyone at school or my friends , or even my family , because I was embarrassed . I would lie to them . " Everything 's great . " " I 'm super happy . " " Everything 's perfect . " We eventually left him . I begged my mom , and got my friend to bring his truck . After " The Angry Giant " left for work on Halloween morning , my friend pulled up in his truck and we piled our stuff on . We never looked back . He eventually found us , and would park outside of our apartment complex in the early morning ( 3am ) for a few hours , and then leave . He eventually stopped . For too long , I have held things in , hid my feelings , and held up my walls . It 's too exhausting . I can 't do it anymore . I need to get it out . I have to . It 's not healthy for me not to . I might do a separate blog about being molested , because I need to get that out . I have to , and I know that there 's other girls and boys even , that have been molested as a child , and could relate . I want to share my story . I want to share my life . ( well , some of it any way )

We adopted this sweet little kitten from a local cat rescue . He arrived last month and Austin and Kaleigh are completely in love with him ! The lady from the rescue named him Tonka and we thought it suited him , so here is our adorable kitten , Tonka ! Posted by Two weeks ago , I got an email from the special needs technician at Austin 's school . When something occurs , the phone call or email always starts off with " Austin is okay but . . . " . This one was about a scare Austin had at the hands of another student . If you have read this blog previously , you will know that Austin is TERRIFIED of spiders ! The school has it documented in his IEP , that 's how serious it is , no joke ! One of the girl 's in his class had a book of spiders and was tormenting Austin with it . He got so upset , he ran to an empty locker and tried to hide inside of it . The girl continued to torment Austin outside the locker . A bunch of other children rallied around the outside of the locker and tried to keep the girl from getting near Austin who was hysterically crying at this point ! One of the boy 's ran to get help and a woman from the office came out to resolve the situation . Austin was taken by Ms . D ( the lady who works in the office ) to the special needs technician ( Ms . L ) to calm him down . The girl was dealt with , she was removed from school for the remainder of the day , well deserved I thought . I couldn 't believe this story and was very upset ! When Austin gets this upset , I have to go into school and get him to settle him down . This time , thanks to the fantastic support system he has at his school , Ms . D and Ms . L were able to calm him and he was fine within minutes . I called and spoke to Ms . D and she assured me Austin was fine . I told her to call me if anything changed and I would race to get him from work . Thankfully , he was calm and able to proceed with his school day without anymore upset or incidents . When I spoke to Ms . D , I asked her to tell all the children who rallied around Austin to protect him , THANK YOU ! I was so impressed that these children stood up to the girl and supported Austin . The girl was upset that these children were displeased at her behaviour towards Austin and took his side but children are smart , they know when something is wrong . What she did was wrong . She was given her consequence and I can only pray she won 't target Austin again and all the children will get along well ! I started working at a school last year supervising over the noon - hour , this year I was hired by their daycare . I have found that my experiences with Austin has helped me a lot with understanding and being proactive with some of the children at the school who face their own challenges . I don 't claim to be an expert on autism at all , I am not . I am still learning everyday . I am happy though that I have learned somethings that I am able to apply to help other children who on their own journey . Some have a much more challenging time than Austin did and are more sensitive . There are children too that have challenges I have never experienced and the staff I work with are fantastic on helping me become more educated on how to handle situations and always there when I need it . I am very grateful to all of them ! Yesterday , I brought my iPod with a movie on it for one of the boy 's at school who has sensory issues . He doesn 't like loud things and we were to show a movie in the afternoon for all the children . I thought that if he had his own little movie to watch in another room , with our supervisor , it would really help him , and it did ! My supervisor , who goes above and beyond to help all the children , asked for the iPod and he was on his way to a supervised , quiet room , until his parents came to get him at the pick up time . I was thanked and it made me feel humbled because I just reacted from my experience with Austin . I didn 't think I did anything special and all the staff at the school I work at help to accommodate all the children as much as possible . I look back on how lost and how much I didn 't know when Austin was younger . He has progressed very well and continues to . As he does , new challenges arise and we address them as they happen . It is a long road , a journey , a step each day into an unknown . I am comforted to know that my journey with Austin has given me a little bit of knowledge that may help someone else and make their road a little sunnier to travel . I have wanted to do a post about this topic for a while . Not that I have any in depth knowledge on the subject , but Austin has discussed it with me since he watches " I am Jazz " and I explained to him about Caitlyn Jenner . He understood it quite well and had a lot to say and ask questions about a child that is a transgender female who he knew before transitioning . ( That is a post for another day . ) Tonight we were driving into town to pick up dinner . My husband is away fishing with the guys so I thought , I deserve a break , Chinese food it is ! While I am driving , I hear Austin talking to Kaleigh about transgendered individuals . Kaleigh is enlightening Austin with her knowledge of how someone transitions from a male to a female . What changes and what doesn 't ( she doesn 't go too in - depth , to her , you take pills and you can change gender ) . Austin verbalizing back what his understanding is about transgendered females and males . It is really interesting to hear a 7 year old and a 10 year old discussing this subject . There is no prejudice or judging , just a very innocent conversation back and forth . At the end of their conversation , Kaleigh said to me " Mom , I wish I was transgender , then I could be the brother Austin always wanted ! " " Gotcha Kaleigh ! " You would have to meet this little girl , she is wise beyond her years and anyone who meets her , agrees ! I have always taught my children to accept people for who they are and everyone is different in their own way . They have asked a lot of questions in the last year about transgendered individuals and I have done my best to answer them . It is important to me that Austin and Kaleigh continue to keep an open mind and loving heart ! They are both very sweet children . I can only pray that they will continue to mature with the same attitudes and acceptance that I encourage . I was talking to Austin after school the other day and asked how is day went , I do this everyday . He said that everything was " good " . After last year , I ask more questions to ensure he is not being bullied again . I asked who he played with at recess . He said that he plays alone to " stay out of trouble " . I asked what he meant by that , and he said that he won 't be targetted again if he is alone . My heart broke ! I don 't want him to be wondering around alone or off by himself all the time . I was so sad ! He doesn 't seem fazed by being alone but I am not letting it go at that . I contacted the Psychologist and I am going to take him into see her to see if she can help him overcome this fear . Even though this boy that bullied Austin last year is gone from the school , he left scars ! Poor Austin ! When I spoke to Austin , another day during the past week , he told me about a girl this time , who took both of his tennis balls and smashed them against the wall . I can 't believe this poor child is such a target ! What possesses these children to go after Austin ? He is so non - confrontational , it is very scary to me ! He wants to stay out of trouble as much as possible but this is crazy ! He did tell the noon hour supervisor and she dealt with the situation . I contacted Austin 's teacher to let him know what happened . I don 't want a repeat of last year and the years before and Austin shouldn 't have to endure this treatment . I am praying that no one will bother him and bringing him in for some help with give him some tools to deal with situations that arise . I long for the day that there will be no more bullying stories to blog about and Austin would have a few friends to play with at school . We bought an iPod shuffle for Austin for his Birthday this summer . He LOVES music ! All kinds of music , a lot like me . My Dad was always playing all kinds of music as I grew up and I loved it ! ( Okay , not Willie Nelson , sorry Dad . ) Austin has the same love of music ! I think it is great ! He loaded his iPod the other day and played it in my truck . I dropped him off at school and let it continue to play . Ike & Tina , Rival Sons , AC / DC and Queen ( Austin 's favourite ) all playing in the truck . AWESOME ! He also likes The Who , Aretha Franklin , Elvis and various new artists , except Justin Bieber , he is not a fan . I am so happy to see Austin loving music so much and he is always open to listen to new things I play for him . He has no problem saying what he likes and what he doesn 't . Austin smiling and singing along to the music , without a care in the world , it is a beautiful sight to see ! : ) Austin 's first day of school went very well ! YAY ! He really likes his teacher ! I am so relieved ! I have spoken to the teacher and he seems very nice ! I have been told he is very structured and mathematical . I told this to Austin and he said he thought that the teacher was a great match for him ! I am hoping all will go well and Austin seems to be adjusting easily ! YIPPEE ! ! ! This is the first day of Grade 5 for Austin . I dropped him off after taking Kaleigh to school this morning . We didn 't know who his teacher would be . We were hoping that he would get his teacher he had in the second grade but he didn 't . ( She is also teaching Grade 5 this year . ) He has a male teacher for the first time and I pray that it will all go well . He does respond better to females and I know he is heartbroken that he doesn 't have his teacher that he adored so much ! My heart sank when I saw the look on his face and I couldn 't believe that he didn 't get Miss J . She was super supportive and knows Austin well . The Principal must have his reasons for putting him with the male teacher . I pray all will go well today and that Austin 's friend he is hoping to be with , was placed in the same class . Austin and Kaleigh LOVE Good Mythical Morning ! If you have not seen it , I can pretty much guarantee your kids will love it too ! The show can be found on YouTube hosted by two men called Rhett and Link . They perform some pretty interesting taste tests and various fun experiments that turn out to be quite entertaining . Even my husband sits and watches it with Austin and Kaleigh . Laughter can be heard in abundance when it is playing . The other day we went to the splash pad , usually there are mostly little ones , that day it was just four boys . They were older than Austin , not by much , a year or so . He was taller than them and he is mistaken for an older boy a lot since he is quite tall for just turning 10 , over 5 feet ! While we were there , I watched as Austin ran around these boys and tried to keep him in my sights . Trust is not big with me , I have seen the teasing and tormenting that Austin has endured in the past on a playground . I watched as the leader of the boys ( there is always one , right ? ) walked over to Austin and looked him up and down and all around . Like Austin was on display or something . I felt like telling the boy , " My son is not a museum piece ! " but as long as he did not linger or make a comment to Austin , I decided I would wait and see . Austin did not notice the boy looking at him , trying to figure out why Austin was reacting the way he was , so excited and oblivious to his presence . The boy had a look and off he went back to his gang of buddies . Austin went on to play , for a while anyway . Austin , playing by himself , and with Kaleigh periodically , became very interested in what the group of boys were doing . He stood on the side of the park staring at them and smiling . You could tell he would like nothing more than to join in and play but shyness gets the best of him and he will not approach them . They did not even take notice of him standing there watching them . Austin bored quickly and took off playing again , the boys never approached him to play . I watched the boys as they ran past , up and down the splash pad and they were pretty good actually . They never said anything to Austin and weren 't confrontational . I was a little nervous when it came to the leader though , but he kept his distance . You could see in his face when he looked at Austin initially , he knew something wasn 't quite typical about him and headed off back to his friends . I watch other kids like a hawk ! I don 't trust Austin 's peers at all ! Paranoid ? Probably , but I have good reason to be ! Poor Austin , he has been bullied so much and now he is bigger , it is even scarier ! Austin is starting Grade 5 and I feel it is time he took some kind of defensive training . My husband and I have decided to put him in Judo . I pray that it will give him more confidence and training for self protection . It is so hard to for me to trust others when I have seen what has happened in the past . Looking suspiciously at anyone who comes to have a closer look at Austin is like a defence mechanism . I am cautious and careful when it involves Austin , that has not changed . It breaks my heart to know that he endures such bullying and comments . I have been known to give a few looks here and there when I hear anyone say something nasty about or to him ! One day , my friend reacted before I even knew what was happening . Oh my ! She put the bullies in their place , immediately ! The hurt and upset stays with you and when I was watching " I am Jazz " the other night , I felt the same feeling come over me . Jazz was sitting with her Mom outside at a cafe and some boys walked past and called her a name ! Her Mom asked Jazz what was said and Jazz confirmed the comment . She told her Mom it was okay and not to worry but you could see the hurt and anguish in her face . My heart broke for both of them ! I think this girl and her family are all very strong and exceptional people ! Good for her Mom for staying seated , I would have probably run after the guy and had a few choice words for him myself ! Wishing you all the best ! * HUGS * I watch Austin as he tries to be brave enough to walk down the dark hall way to his room , the fear that overtakes this boy is like watching something out of a horror film . He is terrified ! I tell him not to be frightened and run ahead to turn on the lights so he can go ahead without being scared . He is still hesitant . I go with him to his room and tuck him in bed , trying to calm him . I put on his desk light , I try to sooth him by speaking softly and distracting him by talking about his video games . He eventually calms but explains he is still very afraid of the dark . We have discussed this subject many times and it seems that at 10 , it is worse now than ever . I explained to Austin that I used to be afraid of the dark but ( my parents were not so understanding ) I got used to sleeping in the dark . There were no lights or night lights in my room when I was little . A terrible way to deal with a fear so intense , I could not move . I would watch the walls in my room and pray nothing would move outside to cast a shadow . I was genuinely terrified ! I completely understand where Austin is coming from and I am doing my best to help him . Sometimes I bring him out to the couch to watch a bit of TV and he falls asleep quickly so I get him up and walk him to his room , he goes right back to sleep with no problem at all . It is not easy to see Austin running from a dark room or terrified to walk towards one . He is afraid of what " lives " in the shadows , what might be lurking there . His imagination can be vivid and he can come out with some pretty frightening tales but to him , the fear is very real . I pray that eventually this will pass and he will outgrow this fear . Watching Austin as frightened as I was once , I am compelled to calm him , so I walk these steps with him . He is comforted that I am walking beside him , holding him , step by step , together . Yesterday , we went to the splash pad / park . Austin and Kaleigh went off to play and there were other children who came over from the baseball game to play . It was quite hot here yesterday , so who wouldn 't want to run through some refreshing cool water ? There were a couple of girls , around 7 and 8 who came to play . One came right up to Austin and starting talking to him , she wanted to play . At times , Austin was not paying attention to her as she spoke and did not answer her . I had to call him over and tell him , the girl is speaking and you are not listening or responding , I told him he needed to pay closer attention . I want to help Austin as much as I can with his social skills , it is not easy . I watched as they all played together , about 5 of them , Austin started directing and telling the others how to build the castle and who 's job was what and when to do it . I do not let this go on as I know this is a huge challenge for Austin , I called him over once again and told him not to direct the others , they know what to do and to relax and have fun . Oh my ! This is no easy task for Austin . He just gets so excited ! It is almost like watching him at 2 and not 10 ! All the other kids are playing and walking and talking quietly and Austin is up on his toes running around and arms are flying everywhere . He is so excited he can 't contain it . I can see him trying to keep on flat feet and bring his arms down . I think he is more aware of it than the others are , they do not seem to really react to his behaviours . Interesting to me . Do they just think he is hyperactive ? Do they think anything at all ? I sat and looked around at the park as all the children played . Needless to say , I did not get much of my Nicholas Sparks book read as I want to watch Austin when other children are around him . Sometimes he can lack focus and I did not want him to knock over one of the little ones , not that it happens much but the potential is there when he is excited . As I watched all the children building the sand castle , the only one that stood out was Austin . He still does not play or engage like typical children . He is much calmer than he used to be but still , the excitement and sensory stimulation is overwhelming . He is playing happily , and I am happy to see him having so much fun but I can 't help to think that there is a lot more of that 2 year old boy just trying to get out ! Is Austin trying hard to suppress the excitement he feels ? At 10 , he has much more control than he did at 2 but sitting and watching yesterday , he stills stands out amongst the typical children . Will this always be such a challenge for him ? Will he calm down as he gets older ? Will he be able to control his excitement so he is not running and jumping all around ? He is so calm and laid back most of the time , add any social excitement and he is almost a completely different person , still a very adorable and sweet person mind you . I am trying my best to help Austin every step of the way and I know the social game is only going to become more and more important . Austin is going into Grade 5 , I can 't believe it ! I know the social dynamic is only going to get more complex . Scary to me ! All these changes for Austin , my baby ! He is almost as tall as me and talks about gaming and girls ! Oh my ! How quickly they change and grow but your baby , they will always be , not matter how big , or how old . School has been out for just over a week , Austin is having a great time on summer vacation so far . He gets to play video games , go to the park and splash pad , read , play outside , go for bike rides and bounce on the trampoline . . . a lot ! The best part about being out of school is no bullies ! Summer is stress free in that department , of course if Austin goes to a party or something like that , I get a little worried but it is usually incident free . After " the boy " ( that I blogged about previously ) left the school Austin attends , we only had a few minor incidents of bullying , nothing as major as what " the boy " had put Austin though . I was so grateful for all the help the school gave us to ensure Austin remained safe , I am very pleased with all their support . It was fantastic to pick Austin up at school everyday and he was smiling again . He was anxious to go to school , he was excited again , just like he was prior to " the boy " targetting and harming him . I am so grateful that peace has returned for Austin . He is a great boy and deserves to be able to go to school and not be hit , punched , kicked , thrown to the ground , called names . . . you get the picture . I can 't express how great it is to see Austin smiling and laughing all the time and now for the next few weeks , we do not have to think about what he endured in school and he is in a bully - free zone for the next couple of months . We can only pray that Grade 5 will be easier than Grade 4 was for him . He did so well in his studies and we are so PROUD of him ! How many children could achieve such high academic scores with someone haunting them everyday ? I pray I will not ask the same question next session . Austin 's Granddad and Nana came over for a spontaneous visit this morning . I had called my Dad to wish him a Happy Father 's Day and figured he would be golfing ( he usually tries to on Father 's Day ) , which he was just finishing when I called . I spoke to him on the phone and he and my Mum came over . I was very happy to see them both as I do not get to see them enough . On this Father 's Day , I got a special treat , to see my Dad , who I adore , who I miss , who I love dearly and who I wish I got to see more ! I treasure and love my Mum for she has always been there for me when my own Mother was not , and when , and since , she walked away from my life almost 8 years ago , my Mum has helped with that loss and pain a lot ! I am very blessed to have my parents and Austin and Kaleigh are blessed to have them for Grandparents ! Yesterday morning , Austin came with me to go shopping and get coffee at our local Timmy 's ( that 's Tim Horton 's , our most loved coffee shop by us Canadians ) . He asked if he could go in and get his donuts by himself . Oh my ! You know me , I am a little overprotective . . . okay , okay , A LOT overprotective ! Austin pleaded his case and said " I need to start doing things on my own Mom ! " It is true . He needs some independence and slowly he has to be able to do stuff by himself . So I started , I would let him go but if someone asked " Where 's your Mother or Father , tell them I am right outside in the car , they can see me from the cash . " Poor Austin , he sighed at me but agreed . He got out and I warned him to look before he crossed the parking lot , he does not always think of that , part of the reason I keep him close to me . He looked , and crossed safely , thank goodness ! I waited for Mr . Cadillac to leave and pulled up next to the class windows so I could see Austin , he did GREAT ! Such a PROUD Mama ! He jumped into the car and I asked how it went , he said it was a piece of cake ! He was smiling and happy ! He was thrilled to go on his own and so proud of himself . Austin came home and told his Dad what he had done . Dad was pretty impressed that all went well . Well done Dude ! Mom and Dad are very PROUD of you ! We LOVE you ! Later in the morning , my husband decided to get Austin to try the tractor . He wants him to learn how to ride it so he can cut the lawn and I am all for it . Austin was on the tractor , listening to Dad 's commands , he did pretty well . ( I was outside filming him ! How could I resist ! ) All of a sudden , Kaleigh found out what was happening . . . oh my ! Kaleigh is a motorcycle , four wheeler , tractor , anything with a motor , enthusiast . She gets it from her Dad and Grandpa . She was crying and crying ! My husband got her on the tractor and gave her a turn . Goodness ! I thought Austin was happy ! I am surprised we could get her off of it ! Round and round she went , happy as a clam ! Warms my heart and make me smile to see my little ones so happy and having fun ! What a day for Austin and Kaleigh ! There was a special request for the day from Austin , a fresh strawberry pie ! I couldn 't refuse my favourite little guy in the entire world ! Needless to say , he couldn 't wait for it to cool and there was another big smile on his face yesterday ! There are so many changes happening with Austin now . Everyday seems to be something new . I am so blessed to have both my little ones and am grateful everyday ! The time has come and someone is very curious about sex ! Yes ! S - E - X ! Oh goodness ! I had a talk about sex with my ex - boyfriend 's boys when they started to ask questions . I was not a their parent so they found it easy to talk to me . One of them even thanked me years later for being so open and supportive . He said it helped him a lot . That made me feel pretty good , that they had someone who they could talk to about something so sensitive to them . I have to say , it was easier with them , than with Austin . I know that he knows a lot more than he is willing to discuss but I will not push the issue . I have found him trying to look up things on puberty , I will not go into details but I am sure you get the picture . I talked to him last night and explained to him that he can ask me anything . He does not need to be shy , or if he prefers to talk to his Dad , that 's okay too . We are only here to help him understand something that happens to everyone and there is no need to be embarrassed . He did sit and talk to me a little bit and we did make some progress but he is not willing to talk to me about what he knows entirely . I think that Dad might have better success . Fingers crossed ! Everything seems to happen so fast ! Why do children have to grow up so quickly ? I feel like it was just yesterday I was changing Austin 's diaper , now he is almost the same height as me and he is girl crazy ! I know all of you get it ! Austin got into the car and started to talk about the Grade 5 and 6 girls . He said he noticed that they were " developing " in a certain area , the chest region , and asked why was this happening . Allllllrighty then ! I explained that they are starting puberty ( Austin knows this word and some of the things that go along with puberty ) and girls start to develop once they start puberty . He wanted to know why this happened and I told him because of hormones . A light bulb went off and he seemed to get it as soon as I said it . I figured I would take the opportunity to ask him , " Does the situation with the girls make you feel uncomfortable or have any questions you want to ask me ? " " You can talk to Dad too . " " No " , Austin replied , he said he was fine and understood and that Dad had spoken to him about girls a little bit when they were out the other day . Austin has no filter and no secrets from Mom , he said Dad told him that there was lots of " eye candy " out and about the other day they were shopping . I explained to Austin that I do not use that term and preferred " pretty girls " or " beautiful girls " . I said I guessed that it must be more of a guy thing to say " eye candy " . Needless to say , my husband got a bit of a discussion about his trip out with Austin the other day and needless to say , Mama Bear was not impressed ! I would like my son to respect women and this boy has no bro code , Mama trumps everyone , sorry Dad ! All the best ! * HUGS * Posted by Every week I help Kaleigh do homework . Yesterday , she asked if Austin could help her . It was a set of Math worksheets . Austin was more than happy to help her . I stayed close by to ensure that there was no upset , they do like to bicker at times , okay , a lot of the time ! Sigh . . . Much to my surprise , everything went really well . Kaleigh is a born perfectionist ( she gets it from my Mother ) and really gives my husband and I a hard time if we explain how to do something and she does not get it right away . When Austin explained how to do it his way , there was very little resistance . Only once did she get upset when he told her how and where to write something , it touched the line for the answer and calculations should be to the side of the paper , as per Austin 's rules ! I was really impressed with how helpful Austin was with Kaleigh 's homework . He does very well academically and I thought it was really nice to see her happy to do her work . Austin has a lot of patience for Kaleigh , where she has a very short fuse . Complete opposite personalities but worked well together and happily so . . . for the most part anyway ! At certain times during the year , they sell popcorn on Fridays to raise funds at Austin 's school . I have been purchasing popcorn since he started there in Grade 1 . It is $ 2 . 00 / bag and I usually buy no less than 2 bags and up to 6 at a time . It is for a good cause and my children look forward to popcorn and a movie on the Friday night . Sad that my husband does not want to send anymore money to school for Austin to purchase popcorn . I am frustrated myself due to the situation . A couple of weeks ago , I sent Austin with $ 6 . 00 to purchase three bags of popcorn . I picked him up from school and went through his bag , removing his lunch box and papers from school . I only found one bag , strange . I asked him how many he bought , he said " three " . Okay , where are the other two ? He said " In my bag . " No , they were not . So I started asking , " Did you drop them in the hallway ? " " No " , Austin replied . " Did you leave them in your locker ? " " No " , again . " Did they possibly fall out of your bag by your locker and you did not notice ? " " No . " Okay , so I contacted his teacher and she to ask her if she had any idea what might have happened . I was very concerned and thought , someone stole them from his bag in his locker . The lockers are not locked . The teacher was concerned too and she would look into it . The next week , I sent Austin again with money , this time $ 4 . 00 for two bags . The first thing he said when I picked him up was that they had changed the time to purchase popcorn . They usually sell it in the morning and this time , it was the afternoon recess . Austin said he rushed there and bought two bags and put them in his backpack in his locker and raced outside to play . Okay , good . I opened his bag , no popcorn . I asked him " Where is the popcorn ? " He replied " In my bag . " " No it is not . " Oh boy , Austin became upset and concerned . What had happened ? I asked if it could have fallen out in his locker and he said no again . Okay , now , I am upset ! ! ! What is going on ? Is someone watching him and targetting him ? Austin can be oblivious to things around him . If someone was watching and waiting , it would not be likely Austin would pick up on it . Austin had one thing on his mind , getting outside to play ! I could not believe this happened again ! I emailed my husband and Austin 's teacher . My husband was fed up and said , " No more money for popcorn . " He is DONE after this year . It has been a very tough year and now , Austin was being targetted in another way . It is really heartbreaking ! I feel badly for the kids at school who are counting on the popcorn for fundraising but we do not want Austin to be someone 's target and how heartless can people be ? I just want my son to be able to go to school and not have someone do something to upset him ! I mean really , come on ! I am not sure if I agree with not giving anymore money for the popcorn . I do feel like what is the point ? It is just upsetting and why would someone continue to do this to Austin ? Austin 's teacher was concerned and looked into the matter . She did question some of the other children and said Austin did buy popcorn and put it in his locker on top of his backpack but did not close the locker door . This is Austin true to form . He forgets to close things , shut things off , lock things , you name it , if he wants outside , or has something else in mind , it takes priority . The teacher was very supportive and said even if the door was not shut , no one has the right to take anything from someone else . Very true ! She offered to keep Austin 's popcorn in her desk when he purchases it which is very understanding and supportive of her . How sad is it though that Austin cannot even buy some popcorn to help out the other children at school without it being stolen ? I am hopeful with his teachers help , the popcorn pickpocket will be discovered or won 't have anymore popcorn available to steal . I wish we could find out who stole Austin 's popcorn . I am not sure how the teacher will take the news that my husband does not want to send anymore money to school . For four years we have supported fundraising at the school and it makes me sad that someone is not only taking something from my son but now from his schoolmates too . The other morning I was dropping Austin off at school ( just like every other day ) it was raining so all the children were going inside for morning recess . I saw that there were already a few children heading for the door just like Austin . The only difference is Austin was running to keep out of the rain . I saw him run past all the other children and ring the bell to get the door to open . The door opened and Austin went in first , I was not pleased since I did not think he was being polite . Social skills are very challenging for Austin . I decided to address the matter when I picked him up that afternoon . I picked Austin up that day and told him I saw him run past the other children to get to the door first , then open the door and enter before anyone else including . . . the girls ! I explained to Austin that I was not impressed with this and said I would like him to be raised a gentlemen and a gentleman would never run past a girl and go in before her , leaving her in the rain no less ! Also , if there were other boys there first , not to run or try to get in front of them in line , it is really not polite at all . I told Austin , if there was a girl at the door , he should hold the door for her allowing her to enter first . He just looked at me and said " okay " . We would see if my lesson stuck . This morning , it is raining again , sigh . . . anyway , I dropped Austin off and he ran to the door again . A girl was walking up to the door about 15 feet behind him . Austin had rang the bell and the door opened . Austin held open the door and waited patiently for the girl to finish coming up the walk way and held the door for her so she could enter the school and he then followed behind her . I was so proud of him ! I know that socially Austin struggles so much but that does not mean I will not keep working with him to help him develop and I think he did great this morning ! I just LOVE my boy ! Poor Austin ! The other day his Dad and I were home in the morning getting ready to go to a meeting at Austin 's school when the phone rang , it was Austin . He was crying when my husband picked up the phone and Austin said that he had fallen in the mud and water at school . He was beside himself so his Dad left to go and pick him up at school . Austin hates to be wet or dirty ( I have blogged about it before ) and is inconsolable until he is dried and changed . He normally has a change of clothes at school but must have used them without me knowing and were not replaced , either way , he was so upset his Dad went to get him right away . He came through the door and started to cry again when he saw me . I told him not to worry , I had already packed up another pair of clothes to take back to school for his locker and had a change of clothes waiting for him . He was soaked ! His coat , splash pants , rubber boots , pants , etc . , just soaked ! He got changed but he was still crying . No amount of comfort would calm him . It usually takes a few minutes but he wasn 't settling . I closed the door so it was just him and I and asked what was wrong ? He replied he could not return to school and face the students because he was embarrassed . What ? Oh my ! First , he is shy , now embarrassed . All news to me when it comes to Austin , he is so laid back and everything rolls off of this boy , seriously . Okay , so I told him not to worry , it happens to everyone . I told him I lost my shoes in the mud once and fell over and over and was covered in mud from head to toe ! It happened in front of all my friends and one boy was sweet enough to go and fish out my shoes in all that mud ! Austin laughed and said he could not believe that happened to me . It was enough to make him smile and understand we all fall but we get right back up and do not let it get us down . We brought Austin back to school with us and made it to the meeting on time to discuss the revisions to his IEP . The principal was in the meeting and told us that he explained to Austin earlier not to be embarrassed and people fall in the mud all the time . His teacher sat across from me and she knew I was going to say that Austin does not get embarrassed and she even could see it in his face when he came in the school . He tried to hide his face near his locker . Austin does have great support at his school and we are very grateful to them . I finally got to ask Kaleigh what she thought autism looked like to her . Anyone who knows Kaleigh knows how sassy and spirited she can be at times , so you need to know when to bring something up for discussion . When I asked her the question she just stared at me with no response . I asked the question again but she replied " I don 't know . " . I did not pursue the issue any farther . I think that she may not really know how to reply because to Kaleigh answers must be precise . She loves Austin and to her , he is her brother and she loves him dearly . So what if they drive each other crazy at times ? What are siblings for anyway ? : ) The day before Autism Awareness Day , my daughter was talking to her teacher about autism privately in the class as they had been discussing wearing blue for autism awareness the next day . She told her teacher , " My brother has autism , but he doesn 't look like he does . " Her teacher is aware that Austin is on the autism spectrum and they have met as well . I was surprised when she told me this story , I did not know that she thought autism had a certain " look " . I have explained that people on the spectrum have all sorts of strengths and challenges . I did address it quickly asking her what that was supposed to mean but my husband told me to let it go and discuss it another time , I was reluctant , but I did . The next day I started to think of where Kaleigh would get this idea from since she complains a lot about Austin 's behaviours . Just a few are : " Why does Austin always make noise ? " " Why does Austin want to be alone so much ? " " Why is Austin such a picky eater ? " " Why does Austin always want to talk about facts ? " " Why does Austin hum a lot ? " " Why does Austin get bullied so much ? " The one that really hurt my heart , she asked once ( not her fault at all that it hurt because , well , kids are honest ) , and it still shakes me , " Why doesn 't Austin have any friends ? " ( Tough , that was a tough one . I do have to say , even though Austin is not the social bee Kaleigh is , he does have a few friends . One lives down the street and they play more and more each day as they are the same age and like some of the same games . YIPPEE ! It makes me happy to see Austin interact and have fun ! ) Another situation was Kaleigh 's party we had a little while ago . We all went bowling , and of course , Austin gets too excited and annoys Kaleigh easily . The lady that was working at the bowling alley that day gave Austin his own lane to play in at no extra charge . Even though we offered to pay , she would not take the money . She could see he was struggling amongst the other children and wanted everyone to have a good time at the party . Austin went on to play happily and Kaleigh stopped asking me " Why does Austin have to act so weird all the time ? " He was over stimulated and frustrated that the other children did not want to follow the rules of the game , they just wanted to roll the balls down the lane , no points , no winner , just for fun ! Why not ? It is a party after all ! Austin , does not see it that way , ever ! I am still a little shocked that Kaleigh said this to her teacher . I am not sure what she thinks autism looks like . She sees Austin as her brother and even though she gets annoyed by some of his behaviours , he in turn gets annoyed by her behaviours too ! Sounds pretty much like most siblings ! I have quite a few , so I get it ! I am curious to see if Kaleigh really understands about autism and Austin 's behaviours , so I am going to sit down and ask her , " What does autism look like to you ? " . I am very interested to hear her answer . I am sure you know , there will be a post about it ! Austin loves to talk ! He comes by that honestly , I am a bit chatty myself . : D When he gets up in the morning , he is always in good humour and wants to talk with me ; we do this everyday . Austin 's conversations include such topics as radioactive isotopes , hydrophobic vs . hydrophilic , building circuits , cell structure and function , the period table of elements , the list is long but you get the idea . I cannot believe that he has such and an interest in these topics . A good thing I studied Chemistry ! All of these discussions occur before I even have coffee in the morning ! My poor brain ! I must say that I am so proud of Austin and I always have a smile on my face starting my day with him ! I am truly grateful ! All the best ! There are two words Austin said to me yesterday that took me by surprise , " I 'm shy . " What ? Not Austin , the child with no fear , and not to mention , no filter ! Wow ! I am seeing changes in Austin 's social behaviour . He has never been a shy kid , passive and intimidated by other kids , but shy , no . We were discussing the name calling that has been going on at school and was trying to come up with a way for him to tell someone right away so we can deal with it when it happens . I know he is afraid of being labelled a tattle tale , we established that but when I said he could talk to his teacher one on one ( even in the hallway away from the other children ) he said he can 't . I asked why not ? He replied " I 'm shy " . Okay . So , a new dynamic to Austin 's personality , he is shy . I found a resolution that I hope will work , if he is too shy to talk to someone about this teasing and name calling verbally , I told him to document it in his daily school agenda . I am hopeful if he can address what is happening this way , we can pinpoint who it is and what is being said to him . This poor kid has had such a rough year , rougher than previous years and he has always been the target of some bully . I just want him to have some peace and be happy to be at school . This is a boy who loves school and thrives in that setting . After I dropped him off this morning , I felt sick , nervous , upset , scared . . . I pray he has a good day and he has fun with the children that do care for him , even if they are few , they are precious . I picked Austin up from school yesterday and just like everyday , I ask him how his day went . He said " okay " but I saw the look on his face , trouble ! He complained he hurt his foot and could not return to school the next day , red flag ! We got in the car and I asked him , " Okay , what happened today ? I know something is wrong . " Out of his mouth came " Everyone hates me ! ! ! " Oh no ! What happened now ? I proceeded to calm Austin and ask him what had happened to make him so upset . He explained that he was being teased for a certain behaviour ( I will not state exactly what since I do not want to embarrass him ) which stopped a long time ago but he is still being teased about it by everyone in his class . I asked him when it was occurring and did he tell the teacher . No , he did not tell . I continue to explain to Austin that he is to tell someone . He did settle down after a while , thank goodness ! This morning , Austin woke up and told me he could not go to school because of his hurt foot . Both my husband and I checked his foot , it is fine . He was using the excuse of a sore stomach to get out of school when " the boy " was bullying him , so my husband I and knew he was very upset if he was trying to get out of going . I spoke to Austin and he proceeded to tell me that the kids are teasing him all the time about the fact that I will not allow him to have a Facebook account or a Twitter account . Really ? They are not allowed to have these accounts ! Minimum age for Facebook is 13 and my son is 9 ! Even at 13 , I think Facebook and Twitter open a door I would like to keep closed , cyberbullying ! Not to mention other dangers for children ! Austin sat on the couch crying and telling me that he is teased and called names everyday by his classmates with the exception of 1 or 2 . He does not want to return to school , period ! This is too much ! I had already emailed his teacher the previous day and now I decided , I am going in to see the Principal . I called and emailed him . He did reply to my email very quickly since he was out at meetings for the day but assured me he would address the situation as soon as possible as did his teacher . I have to say , they do take it seriously and do respond quickly . They did resolve the situation with " the boy " and I do believe they are genuinely concerned for the student body . When I questioned Austin to why he will not tell someone these things are happening , he is afraid he will be further teased as a tattle tale . Really ? I feel like he is trapped . He feels he cannot not zig or zag . What I am to do ? This is crazy ! I am frustrated , upset and actually disappointed in how these other children behave towards my son who is sensitive , sweet and very easy going . What is wrong ? How do I fix this ? Do I change schools and try a fresh start ? Will the same thing occur ? I am praying I will find some answers . The day of my last post , I picked Austin up from school . He was not even out of the front lobby when he broke down and told me he saw " the boy " at school that very morning , in the office ! I could not believe my ears ! After the school had assured me this child was no longer a threat to my son and would be attending another program at another school , there he was ! What was happening ? I questioned Austin about what he knew or had heard at school . ( This was after almost an hour of crying by Austin . It broke my heart ! ) Austin told me he heard " the boy " would be attending daycare at the school . WHAT ? ! Why ? Okay , so off I go to figure out what was happening . I placed a call to the school Principal in hopes that I could get a confirmation if this child was in the school or not . To be told one thing and then another to happen , well that was unsettling to say the least . Poor Austin was beside himself with anxiety . I received a call from the school and it was confirmed that the child would be attending daycare at the school and to be transported to another school for his program . I was assured that he would not have contact with Austin . Well , the two of them in the office at the same time , I consider contact . So , I told Austin what the situation was and that he should not bring down attendance in the morning as to avoid " the boy " . Also , Austin does go to the PD daycare days occasionally when there is an outing or a " mad science " themed day . I told him that he will not be attending anymore days since " the boy " would be at the daycare . Now , I do have sporadic daycare for Austin in case I have to work an afternoon , I guess those days will have to have the child isolated from Austin or I will have to get my in - laws to help take care of him . I will not subject my son to this child as I know he will only go after Austin again . That , is not acceptable . There is a reason I have not been blogging for the last few months , we have been dealing with a very trying situation at school with Austin . He has been bullied by another boy for months ! It was so tough to find out that once again , Austin was the target of bullying . This child kicked Austin , more than once in the private area , so hard that he had pain and could not urinate without discomfort . We treated his symptoms and he was fine but the thought of it happening was a nightmare ! This is how we found out he was a target of bullying . . . again ! What does being " delighted " have to do with this post ? Continue to read on and you will see ! After Austin had been injured , I was upset , as was his Father , that he was being targetted pretty much everyday for months . A push here , a punch there , a kick , a shove , name calling and knocking to the ground . My mind raced for nights on end ! I could not sleep ! I was so concerned that Austin was being hurt and did not tell us what was going on ; we found out why he did not tell us . When I questioned him , and it took a lot of questioning before he told me why he did not confide in us , he just looked at me and said , " No witnesses , no proof . " Just like that . I am not kidding when I say , my head almost blew off ! Where on earth would he hear something like that ? Then , in an instant , I knew . This boy went after Austin so much that he was finally suspended for a few days . Austin and all of us felt a sigh of relief that he could go to school and be happy for a while . The day the boy returned , he got up in the middle of the class and went to the board and punched Austin as he did his work . Again , the child was suspended , this time for a week . When was this going to end ? Yesterday , I picked Austin up from school , he told me that he heard the boy had been " expelled " . Austin was content that the boy was no longer going to school and quiet frankly , I was very relieved that I did not have to worry about Austin being hit anymore . He did not seem outlandishly happy but seemed pleased . If the child was indeed expelled , I needed to confirm this with the school . ( They have been very supportive of Austin during this situation and I am very grateful to them . ) I contacted them and found out that the child was not formally expelled but has moved to another program at another school . I was also informed that Austin was very happy about this and had no bones about expressing this to the other children in his class . This did not go over well and Austin was spoken to about it . He did apologize and I did speak to him about it . I told him that is not the way to react and it is not a dignified way to behave . Austin struggles a lot with social issues and all he could think about was how delighted he was not to have to endure being the target of this child . I can totally relate to how he feels but he has to learn that expressing certain things that way can hurt someone 's feelings . He knows that there is a certain expectation of being understanding , since we do not know the status of this other boy . I am sure he has his own challenges he is trying to deal with and I know it will not be easy for him or his family . I do feel for them since we have our own challenges to deal with everyday . They may not be the same , but they are still challenges . I am hopeful that the rest of the school year will be easier for Austin now that he does not have to be afraid to go to school everyday . Honestly , it broke my heart to have my son so fearful , he did not want to go to school . He LOVES school ! Today , I sit optimistic that the past few months will fade and his excitement to go to school will return ! I do not usually post about things like this , but lately , I just cannot take it ! I can barely go on Facebook with all these people posting about how vaccinations do not cause autism so everyone should vaccinate their children ; " Vaccines do not cause autism ! " they say . I do not care to debate this myself but I am so tired of people who do not have a child with autism posting about vaccines and autism , not once but a dozen times ! Really ? I do not think anyone should tell anyone else what they should or should not do with their child . If someone does not want a child who is not vaccinated around their children , take it up with the parents but do not push your beliefs on someone else . A short rant but , whew , I feel a bit better ! I 'm a married Mother of 2 children . I stay at home part - time with my 11 year old son and 9 year old daughter . My son was diagnosed with PDD - NOS in May 2010 . It changed me forever , in a good way . I finally get it . : ) P . S . I double as a coffee fairy . . . hence the pic !

Rodents have never been my favorite creatures . Luckily I 've never had to deal with them many times . I 've caught them in inhumane traps that broke their nasty little necks , I 've used the sticky traps , and poisoned them with Decon . Once I had a bad experience with hamsters . A couple of months before we moved to Colorado Springs from Texas , our kids were given a couple of hamsters as pets . There was a male and a female , and both were well up in hamster years . The kids loved them . It might have been the change in altitude , or maybe it was just their time to go , but both passed on during the move . The kids were devistated . After settling in we took the kids to Pet City to pick out a new pair of rodents . We asked for either two males or two females . We wanted a combination that wouldn 't reproduce . " No problem , " said the salesman . He went through the fake motions of checking a few of them , boxed up a couple , and we were on our way . The kids were happy , and in a few weeks when a litter of babies arrived they were thrilled to have more pets . The cage filled up rapidly , and finally Teresa made a high rise apartment complex out of hardware cloth to house the ever increasing herd . By the time summer rolled around they were begining to eat one another in spite of being fed regularly . Something had to be done . Thankfully Teresa and the kids went to Texas for a few weeks , leaving me alone with the little cannibals . I purchased the largest box of Decon available and put a large pile in each cube before going to work . When I got home I rushed to the garage to view the bodies . They were running all over the place like little freaky looking puppies . The Decon energized them and they wanted more . I dumped them all into a big box and sneaked down the alley until I was behind a house with lots of kids . I let the little devils go and ran away as fast as I could . I told the kids they ran away . In 1979 we moved from Wichita Falls back to Crockett where I 'd taken a job with Bennett Equipment Company . Wayne and Buffy Williams had a rent house on Old Madisonville Highway and offered it to us for a very reasonable rate . It needed some work done before we could move in , so we found a duplex that rented month to month to give us a place to live while the house was finished . The couple in the other apartment seemed nice , and at first didn 't seem to fear us . About the third night we were there that all changed . At 2am Teresa woke me up to say there were mice running about in the kitchen , and suggested I do something about it . At 2am there aren 't many options available to kill mice . I took the . 22 rifle from the closet , loaded it with rat shot , and the battle was on . I turned on the kitchen light and immediately saw small gray bodies scurrying to safety . I stood still for a few seconds deciding the best course of action . A very old electric clock hung on the wall . The cord was plugged in behind a plastic trash can in the space between the refrigerator and the kitchen cabinet . The cord appeared to be moving back and forth ever so slightly . A few seconds later I saw a little nose just above the edge of the can . I drew a bead on the nose , and when the rest of the head appeared I blasted it all over the wall . Teresa came running . She started to say something , but decided to go check on the kids in case the gunfire had disturbed them . A mouse ran out from under the refrigerator , looked at me , and turned to run . I shot him before he could make a move . Another appeared and I slaughtered him as well . A couple of minutes passed with no sightings . Just as I was about to grab the paper towels and clean up the goo , another mouse ran by me and into a small hole in the side of the cabinet . I opened the door , and there he was , hiding behind a bunch of Tupperware against the back wall . He was moving in and out between the bowls . I fired several shots before I finally ended his little lice infested life . I called out to Teresa that they were all dead . In my mind I had done exactly what I 'd been asked to do . The mice were dead . Job well done . I figured the Tupperware was just collateral damage which happens occasionally in the heat of battle . Teresa didn 't see it that way at all . I was mentally preparing my defense , but nothing came to mind that would help my case . I promised to clean up the mouse guts and buy some more Tupperware . That was a little over thirty years ago , and I 'm going to buy it any day . The neighbors who had been so outgoing the day before seemed alarmed by our presence . When we drove up they would gather their kids and run inside . A month later we moved out . After everything had been moved I went back to clean up . Naturally I had my rifle , just in case . As I made a final pass through the house , a mouse ran across the floor right in front of me . I got off a couple of shots , but missed . The mouse ran into the hall closet with me in hot pursuit . There was a small hole in the wall which probably led to the closet in the other unit . I stuck the barrel into the hole and fired a couple of shots for good measure . Teresa has never asked me to kill a mouse again . Once she gets that new Tupperware she will cool off . I 've been asked several times how things are going with Rolling Thunder . Each Sunday when I return to work everyone wants to know if anything new happened while we were off . When I left off he had shown me half of a steel shelving unit he had assembled and told me my project was to put the other half together , connect the two , take everything out of his closet , put the new one in , and haul all the old stuff to the dumpster . I managed to avoid him for a couple of weeks . Two weeks went by without an encounter . I had several close calls , but managed to keep enough distance to avoid talking to him . I knew my luck would run out . We work every Sunday , twelve hour shifts , and as a result we go to bed early on Saturday night . Last month , on Saturday afternoon , I put on a load of laundry in the dryer upstairs . There is a larger room downstairs , but Rolling Thunder hangs around there a lot and I wasn 't going to take any chances . I went to Wal Marcus while the clothes were finishing . On my return I looked through the glass door before entering the hallway from the outside . Sure enough , there sat RT in the middle of the hall , looking around in every direction . He was , you guessed it , looking for me . I walked around to the side door and entered quietly . I peeked around the corner and saw him talking to someone . His back was to me so I took the opportunity to scurry down the hall like a scared hamster and go into our apartment . Teresa said he had already been to our door twice looking for me . He needed help with a cabinet he had just bought . He was in a panic . She had seen him going up and down the hall hunting for me . She told him I had gone to the store , so he wanted to be sure I didn 't get back in the building without talking to him . grabbed the laundry basket and looked into the hallway . I saw him rolling into the laundry room at the other end of the hall . I ran for the stairway and retrieved our laundry from the upstairs dryers . When I came back he was in the hallway looking around again . As luck would have it a small group of people came through the door from the outside and were headed down the hall in his direction . Like an indian hiding behind his pony I hunkered down and followed them as far as my door . I jumped inside and shut the door . Teresa told me he had come back again while I was getting the clothes out of the dryer . She had supper fixed , so I ate before going down the hall to see what he needed . I figured I might as well get it over with or he would be at our door every few minutes . He had a small cabinet with three drawers he needed put together . As he was telling me the tale I noticed the steel shelves were assembled and in his closet . Apparently he has others to help when I 'm in hiding . He showed me a large rack of clothes and said he was going to put them in the little cabinet . He is getting ready in case FEMA shows up soon to put us all in concentration camps . He wants to be able to load up everything quckly and head for the high country . I could tell right way it would be a quick job , or at least one I could get the majority finished in half an hour or so . He rolled off to get a catalog to show me all the new stuff he was going to order . I quickly sent Teresa a text and asked for an emergency phone call in thirty minutes . He said there was no hurry ; I could come back the next morning and finish . I told him I worked Sunday through Wednesday and wouldn 't be able to . He told me I could take it home with me and work on it each night after work . I told him no , I could get most of it done right then . I had most of it put together when Teresa called . The last part consisted of tightening about six screws . I left . Teresa just kept on walking , but like the dumbass I am I went inside . He had a little cabinet with some bins for shoes and three small drawers , or so the picture indicated . It was on a pile on the floor which resembled a pile of rubble you see on the news after a tornado has destroyed a trailer park . " I need you to put this together for me , and then I 'll show you a picture of the other cabinets and new computer desk I have coming in next week . You sure are going to have a lot of projects ! " Luckily for me , not for my son , Jamie , I had to pick him up at the dentist after he got his wisdom tooth pulled . I told RT I was going to be busy all afternoon and had to pick up my son at the dentist . He said he understood and would be looking for me . There sat RT blocking my way . I told him we were headed out of town . He said he would see me when we got back . We got back late . The next morning , Saturday , I was busy . Both kids and their families were coming over for the afternoon . Just before noon I had to go to the store for Teresa . Out of habit and instinct for self preservation I went in the side door to the hallway . Just before I peeked around the corner and down the hall I could hear RT . There were lots of people going back and forth and he was asking each of them if they would put his cabinet together . Everyone said no . I could hear him giving someone a long explanation about the impending FEMA attack when I realized his voice was getting closer . Like a total wimp I quickly walked up the stairs . The last thing I heard him say was , " Well , I 'll just see if Jimmy is home . He puts all my stuff together . " After a couple of minutes , plenty of time for Teresa to send him on his way , I called her cell phone . She had told him I had gone to the store and we were going to have company , so I would be busy all afternoon . He told her he would find someone else and he left . A few minutes ago I saw the UPS truck in front of the office and RT rolling up the hall , most likely headed to pick up my latest project . It is time to go into super stealth mode again . The adventure continues . Crockett had a total of four funeral homes while I was growing up . Callaway Funeral Home and Waller Funeral Home served the white community while Woodley - Wheeler Funeral Home and McCullough Funeral Home served the black community . The racial makeup of Crockett was roughly fifty - fifty , with possibly a few more among the black population . Three of the four were well respected and I never heard anything negative about them . The McCullough Funeral Home was a different story . The McCullough Funeral Home was owned and operated by M . B . " Marcello " McCullough . It was located in a large house near the railroad tracks and was a spooky looking place . McCullough lived on the premises and he fit right in with the mystique of property . He was a large man and was always dressed in black attire as one who had seen enough horror movies would come to expect . He could be seen walking around the property at all hours with a solemn look on his face . He and his funeral home were the personification of what spawns local legends and scary stories . There were so many stories told and accusations made about him there was no way to know what was true and what wasn 't . The ones I 'm about to relate fall into the category of the unknown . All the years I lived in Crockett there was no such thing as a private ambulance service . Each funeral home had at least one hearse fitted with first aid equipment , a siren and red lights . It was still a segregated community in a lot of ways , and the ambulance service was a prime example . When the police or sheriff 's department were called to an accident , the race of the victims dictated which funeral home got the call . White victims were picked up by Callaway or Waller , and black victims were serviced by Woodley - Wheeler or McCullough . An integrated wreck meant at least two ambulances were summoned . It was rumored that McCullough was removed from the call list . When victims of an accident were transported to the hospital and arrived alive , the funeral home had to collect their fee for services rendered and it was entirely their responsibility . If the victims were dead on arrival the funeral home would receive a payment from the county , so they wouldn 't be left completely out in the cold if there was nobody for them to bill . If more than one funeral home responded and there were multiple casualties , they would cover as many bodies as possible with their sheets to " claim them . " Apparently McCullough didn 't like to go through the bother of collecting from the victims . All of a sudden a disturbing pattern began to develop . An accident victim might have only minor injuries when McCullough picked them up , but they were dead by the time they reached the hospital . Nothing was ever proven , but the survival rate went way up when McCullough was removed from the rotation . I have no idea if that was true , but I heard it again and again when I was a kid . The casket stories made the rounds as well . It was said McCullough once provided a casket for a young man in his twenties . He was nearly seven feet tall , so an extra long casket was ordered and the parents were charged a considerable sum for it . Once the body was placed in the casket they wanted to spend some time alone with their son . The casket didn 't appear to be any longer than a standard model , so they called McCullough in and questioned him . He assured them it was indeed the longer model their son required . Finally they demanded he open the casket because something was amiss . He refused and the sheriff was summoned . Finally McCullough relented and opened the casket . The legs of the young man had been sawed off and put in the casket beside him . The casket was indeed the standard length . It was widely suspected that McCullough only had one casket in his possession . He would show it to the grieving family and make them a deal they couldn 't pass up . After the graveside service was over and the family departed , he would dump the body into the grave , fill in the hole , and return the casket to the funeral home to be used again and again . I worked on Mustang Prairie Ranch from the time I was in junior high off and on until I was a senior . I worked with a lot of black mechanics , cowboys and equipment operators . All of them knew McCullough and were the source of most of the tales . Over the years I got to know them well and realized they weren 't joking around when the subject of McCullough came up . To the man they considered him a sinister figure and a person to be avoided . They would never make eye contact with him if they accidentally came near him when in town . They all expressed the belief that death was imminent if McCullough looked them directly in the eye for any length of time . My only real connection with McCullough came through my life long friend , Bruce Bennett . His family owned a grocery store as well as the John Deere dealership . Bruce worked at both places while growing up , and as a result crossed paths with McCullough on a regular basis . All the tales I had heard from my co - workers at Mustang Prairie had been told to Bruce by customers at the the grocery store and the tractor dealership . Bruce told me of a funny and disturbing incident that happened in front of their grocery store . McCullough was in the store picking up a few things and rambling on about a variety of subjects . As always most of the customers stayed as far away from him as possible . A bread truck was parked in front of the building having just made a delivery . A local handyman was approaching rapidly on his bicycle . He was full of the spirit , the bottled kind , and was gaining speed by the second . He wasn 't the safest person around when he was sober , and that wasn 't very often . Everyone in the area kept an eye out for him at all times . As he rounded the corner he lost control and slammed into the back of the bread truck , knocking him out cold . Everyone inside the store heard the crash and came outside to investigate . Crockett is a small town and he was known to all , as was McCullough . The drunk was on the ground unconscious between the truck and the rear of McCullough 's stationwagon . As the stunned group looked on , McCullough leaned over the man for a couple of seconds . He opened the back of the stationwagon , grabbed the man under his arms and began loading him up . Finally someone asked if an ambulance should be called . McCullough just shrugged and said , " No , he is just about gone . I 'm going to take him on down to the funeral home . " He had the man about halfway into the vehicle when he came to . The first thing he saw was the face of McCullough looking him in the eye . Of course he knew who McCullough was and the threat of a direct stare . He screamed and crawled out of the stationwagon as fast as he could . He ran down the street yelling and disappeared into the trees . McCullough never said another word . He shut the door , got into the car and drove away . The incident added even more fuel to the fire of the McCullough legend . Each Sunday morning the local radio station would air programs in fifteen minute incriments . Most programs featured a message from the preacher of the local churches . McCullough purchased a time slot and delivered his own message . Most listeners would be hard pressed to tell you what in the hell the message was at the end of the broadcast , but I can attest to the fact that it was always entertaining . My lifelong friend , college roommate and fellow smartass , Ed Driskill , was the disc jockey on duty during most of those Sunday morning broadcasts . He got to know everyone with a show , although the majority we taped in advance . McCullough always came to the station and did his live . Needless to say , McCullough was his favorite by far . Ed , Bruce Bennett and I ran around together a lot , and Ed always had a McCullough story . It was at his urging that Bruce and I began to tune in on Sunday mornings to hear what McCullough would come up with next . McCullough had a charge account at Bennett 's Grocery . Since McCullough didn 't have any sponsors , he devised a plan to help with the expenses . He made it a point each week to heap loads of praise upon those fine folks at Bennett 's Grocery . He would get on a roll and make up sales that were in progress ; sales nobody at the grocery store knew anything about . He would also rave about Bennett Equipment , located across the street from the grocery store . I heard him say on many occasions that " Mr . Leon Bennett will trade for horses , cows , chickens and all kinds of things . " Mr . Leon wasn 't thrilled about the publicity he was receiving , nor was Bruces ' grandfather , Mr . John Hazlett , who ran the grocery store . On Monday McCullough would go to the grocery store and ask that a little bit be taken off of his bill as payment for the advertising he had done on his show . They finally struck a deal . McCullough would receive a discount if he DIDN ' T advertise for them the day before . McCullough didn 't have any particular theme for his show . He would ramble from one subject to the next and you to pay close attention to recognize the changes . He never failed to thank " Mr . Eddie Driskill , the fine disc jockey at this here station . " On many occasions he said Eddie was a most pro - efficient disc jockey . Ed actually put that on his resume in later years , and had to explain it during job interviews . McCullough liked to end each broadcast by reading a short passage taken from the FFA creed . Under normal circumstances it took him about a minute to accomplish it and end the show . Like the pro - efficient disc jockey he was , Ed would cue McCullough when he had a minute left . Of course , being the smartass he was ( is ) , occasionally he would tell him he only had forty - five seconds left . McCullough wasn 't easy to understand anyway , and when he was in a hurry it was mostly babble . He would launch into his final statement and you couldn 't understand a single word , until the very end . His last words were always spoken slow and clear . . . . " and above all , play the game fair . " One Saturday evening as we were gathered in the dining room at the Dairy Queen , Eddie told Bruce and I to be sure and catch the McCullough show the next morning . He asked me if I still had my cassette tape recorder and I said I did . He told me to be sure and tape the show . The next morning McCullough began the show with a long list of people he was dedicating the show to . Mostly they were people to whom he owed money . I think he named every adult in the Bennett family . At the very end he named , " Mr . Bruce Bennett and Mr . Jimmy Beasley . . . two of my biggest fans . " He knew Bruce well , but he didn 't know me at all . I was included at Ed 's urgung and he garbled my name a little , but I didn 't care . It was a proud moment in my young life . He named Bruce and I again a few weeks later . He dedicated serveral shows to Ed over the years . A couple of years later I was in college and hadn 't thought of McCullough for a long while . Somehow we got on the subject and began to recall all the stories we had heard . About 2am Eugene May said , " I 've got an idea . Let 's call McCullough ! " Thankfully those were the days before caller ID or Eugene might still be in prison . I would be out since I was only the accomplice and would have hopefully received a lighter sentence . Eugene had been sitting around thinking of a good story for McCullough . Eugene delivered groceries to some houses in the same area of town as the funeral home was located , and one of his customers left their porch light on twenty - four hours a day . He fixed up the tape recorder to catch the entire conversation , then placed the call . McCullough answered on the second ring . " Mr . McCullough , you 've got to help me . I was down to the Jolly Joy Saturday night and gots to drinkin ' with this dude . He was from out of town , and he offered to drive me home ' cause I was too drunk to drive . I told him he could spend the night on my couch . I got up early Sunday morning and went to Houston to work on a job down there . I just got back a little while ago and that dude be dead on my couch ! " " Mr . McCullough , can you come get this body ? I don 't know what to do ! I can 't call the high sheriff ' cause he might ' spect foul play . Please Mr . McCullough , I need help . " " This is Jesse Ward at . . . . . . When are you goin ' to pick up this damn body ? That dude done nearly rotted through my couch ! Maggots are marchin ' in formation all over the floor and buzzards be peekin ' in the windows ! " " I went to that house and there wasn 't no dead body there ! You better hope I never find out who you is or you will be sorry ! You hear me ? " A few months later we were out for summer vacation . Bruce and I were riding around and I told him about Eugene making the calls to McCullough , probably for the tenth time . Out of the blue Bruce said , " Let 's go to the funeral home and talk to him . " McCullough was sitting on his porch in the dark . Bruce announced our presence as soon as he opened his car door . McCullough immediately invited us to join him . For the next hour we just sat and listened . He was happy to have a live audience and he made the most of it . We got a long version of the radio show without the dedications and commercials . We had a blast . A few months later the McCullough Funeral Home burned to the ground and Marcello McCullough perished in the fire . As far as I know a cause was never determined . He died as he lived , a mystery and a local legend . A couple of months ago we moved from an upstairs apartment to a downstairs unit . Even after having both knees replaced a couple of years ago , Teresa still has a lot of problems . Walking up and down the stairs each day was a burden she didn 't need . It eliminated a lot of travel and we love it . A side effect was inheriting a new crop of neighbors . There is a man who lives in an apartment on the first floor near the link whom I 've only seen a few times in the past year . He is disabled and is confined to a wheelchair most of the time . He has only one leg , and although he has an artificial one , I 've only seen him wearing it a couple of times . I 'd spoken to him each time we passed in the hall and he usually just said hello and gave me a brochure from the church he attends . Last month , on a rainy Wednesday things changed . He was standing outside the door to the link in the rain with two small grocery bags in his hands . Entry to the building requires a keycard , and he was frantically looking for his . I rushed over and opened the door for him . He stepped into the dry hallway and thanked me . As I continued my journey to the post office boxes I heard him ask , " Could you do something else for me ? " He said , " I 'm going to take these bags to my apartment . I have some more in my truck , but I 'm too tired to go back out in the rain to get them . Would you get them for me and bring them to my apartment ? " I ran to his truck through the pouring rain and retrieved the other bags . I delivered them to his apartment and asked , " Is there anything else I can help you with ? " " Yes , there is , " he said . " I have a five drawer cabinet and a computer desk in the back of the truck I need brought in . Will you do it for me ? " Well , the five drawer cabinet was in a big box and weighed almost as much as me . I was whipped when I finally got it to the apartment . " The computer desk is a lot lighter , but it also needs to be assembled , " he said . I decided to assemble the five drawer chest first . After it the computer desk should be a breeze . I couldn 't believe how many parts there were to a piece of Chinese furniture with the appearance of a giant jigsaw puzzle . There were racks and cabinets throughout the living room and bedroom . I wasn 't sure why he needed another one , but it was none of my business . All the work had to be done on the floor , which brings me to the carpet . The carpet was nastier than words can describe . He had a nice vacuum cleaner in the kitchen , but apparently he didn 't want to risk burning it up by running over the carpet . My feet felt like they were going stick with each step on the carpet , and getting down on my knees or sitting down to put pieces together sent chills up my spine . I felt like the need for a tetanus shot after the first five minutes . The smell was even worse . I soon found out why . There is no smoking allowed in our complex . He had disabled the smoke alarms , and most of the day was spent chain smoking with a towel placed along the bottom of the door to hide the odor from the outside . My eyes and lungs were burning . As soon as I started he went to his room and turned up his stereo full blast . This was just before the predicted rapture , so he was mostly listening to Amazing Grace over and over , and singing along at the top of his voice . Every ten minutes or so he would come back to the living room and tell me the rapture was going to come the following Saturday . I was tempted to ask him why he needed more furniture if he would be gone in a week , but I didn 't . Pretty soon I adjusted to the poisonous atmosphere and was making progress . He entered the room once again with a fanny pack in his lap . I looked up in time to see him pull out a . 45 caliber pistol , which almost made me soil his carpet ever further . " Look what I have ! " he said . " If you ever need any help down the hall , you just call me . I 'll be right there . " " Oh no ! I 'm missing two clips ! I hope none of my sorry buddies came to to steal my medications and took the clips ! Can you go to my truck and see if you can find them ? " Of course I jumped at the opportunity to get the hell out of there and get some fresh air . I opened the passenger door of his truck and there were two fully loaded clips on the seat . I took them inside and gave them to him . It settled him down considerably . He returned to his room . A little later he asked me to come to his room and meet his fiance whom he was talking to online . I struggled to my feet and went in for an introduction . The connection was bad and I said hello as instructed . After a couple of minutes I excused myself and went back to work . He came in a few minutes later and told me about his fiance . She is a twenty - five year old living in the Philippines . According to him she is going to come to the U . S . when he can come up with enough money . In the meantime she has all his credit card numbers and pin numbers so she can buy bibles . He held up his hand and showed me a huge scar . I said , " No thanks . I will wait until you are up . " There was no way in hell I would walk into his apartment and have him wake up and blast me with his pistol . I went home . As soon as I walked through the door Teresa said , " Oh my God , you stink ! Get out of those clothes and take a shower now ! " Crawling around on that skanky carpet had taken a toll on my clothes . I then turned my attention to the computer desk . Unfortunately he had decided to start working on it the night before . He had studs and screws in the wrong places . To secure them he covered each one with a generous amount of Gorilla glue . It took me an hour to scrape off all the glue and start over . I was finished in fifteen minutes . Did I mention that on several occasions friends of his would wander in to visit with him and watch me work at the same time . They were all much younger and more capable of doing the tasks at hand . I had felt at first that he didn 't have anyone around to help . At that point I felt a little bit used . On the way out the door he handed me a bottle of sparkling water from his refrigerator and said , " I 'm going to give you this for helping me . You and your wife can drink it . " When I got home I put the bottle on the counter and told Teresa it was our payment . It had a slimey feel to it . She frowned and said , " I hope you don 't plan on drinking that ! " I steeped into his apartment and saw a big canvas bag . It contained a frame , shelves and a canvas camping closet . I knew what was coming next . I said yes and began putting it together . It took about twenty minutes . He went to his bedroom to get some catalogs so he could show me some more things he had on order . I had a feeling they were going to involve my help when he got them . I quickly sent Teresa a text saying " Call me now . Tell me to come home ! " Since I have been made the unpaid Minister of Special Construction Projects , and he seems to have a lot of friends capable of standing around watching me work , I decided it was time to pay better attention and not be caught out in the open . I started going the long way around to check the mail and doing the laundry upstairs . I was successful until last Wednesday night . We went out to eat after work and got home a little after nine p . m . The neighbor is rarely out that late . Just to be safe I took the long way to the mailbox , but getting overconfident and cocky I decided to go directly down the hall on the return trip . I made a right turn and there I was , face to face with my nemesis , Rolling Thunder . We were at the door of his apartment , so I stepped in to take a look like the wimp I am . There was a section of steel shelving assembled , probably incorrectly , and a pile of pieces on the floor . That could only mean trouble for me . " I 've got a project for you ! " he said . " I need the other half put together , then the old shelves taken out of the closet and these put in . I just bought a two wheel dolly off the internet so it will be easier when you take stuff out to the dumpster for me . " Early Thursday morning there was a loud knocking at the door . I had a pretty good idea who it was . I went into the other room and Teresa opened the door . Sure enough it was Rolling Thunder . He had been asleep and heard someone knocking on his door . He naturally assumed it was me wanting to get an early start on the latest construction project . She told him I was busy . He left . All day I never left the apartment without her checking the hallway first . We went out to eat that evening . We entered the building from the side entrance to the hall so we wouldn 't be readily visible . A woman and her kids were coming from the pool and we talked to them for a minute . From the corner of my eye I saw movement in the hall . I whispered to Teresa , " Is it him ? " Now I feel I 'm being stalked by Rolling Thunder . I peak around every corner . I need to get a mirror to cut down on the chance of getting caught while checking the hall . I just came from Goodwill where I picked up a disguise . I have a pith helmet , sunglasses , checkered shorts , army boots , long black socks and a pink boa to wear around my neck . So far I haven 't been caught . I did get an offer to be in the over forty production of Rocky Horror Picture Show at a local theater , but I can 't dance , can 't sing , and I 'm only thirty - nine . My Uncle Elmo Ray and his wife , Hope , lived in Northeast Texas for most of my life . My first memories of them were at their house in Daingerfield . It was three hours from Crockett and mother and I would drive up for a visit two or three times a year . Their next - door neighbor at the time was Marvin Watson . He was the Postmaster General under President Lyndon Johnson . When I told my friends that my uncle lived next door to a prominent national figure , you guessed it , they didn 't give a damn . When I was in junior high school Uncle Moe and Aunt Hope moved eight miles south to Lone Star , Texas , which is the location of Lone Star Steel . It is a huge steel mill ; far and away the largest employer in the area . Uncle Moe worked there as a welder . He rented a waterfront house on Lone Star Lake . Lone Star Lake surrounded the mill on three sides and was the biggest lake I had seen . The lake was actually full of all kinds of deposits from the mill and nasty as hell , but at the time I didn 't realize it . When I visited , I would fish off the pier in Uncle Moe and Aunt Hope 's backyard . I was a big believer in eating what I caught , as long as someone else would clean it for me . Looking back , it is a good thing I never caught anything out of Lone Star Lake . I would have insisted on having it for a meal , and God only knows what kind of chemicals would have been released into my system . Once I insisted on going swimming in the lake while we were there for a visit . I had a new yellow swimsuit and couldn 't wait to get into the water . Mother and Aunt Hope drove me around to the local city park where there was a swimming area roped off , complete with a sandy beach . I swam happily for an hour until I was told it was time to go . When I got back to the house and took off the suit I noticed it was no longer yellow . It was covered with some kind of dark , greasy substance from the lake water . My skin felt like it had been rubbed down with dirty water mixed with used motor oil . I lost the urge to ever go into the water at Lone Star Lake again , oPosted by Crockett is a typical small Texas town where football is king . When the season is over there isn 't much to do on Friday night except drive around the square , talk about girls and stop at the Dairy Queen once an hour to get another Coke and talk to other people who have nothing to do either . John Mattox and I were both trainers for the football team throughout our years in high school . The term " trainer " was used mostly to try to give us a little bit of self - esteem . It was pretty much a thankless job and we put in long hours . We washed the uniforms , took care of the equipment and cleaned and mopped the locker room and offices . We were always the first ones there and the last ones to leave . " Training " never entered into the job description . On Saturday mornings when the football players were at the local barbershop talking about the game of the previous night with all the old ex - players from years past , John and I were at the field house washing dirty uniforms from the night before and preparing things for practice on Monday . When the season was over I couldn 't wait to get back on the streets on Friday night and drive around . John just couldn 't get enough , so he was the trainer for the basketball team too . It was early December and basketball season was underway . The Bulldogs had a couple of home games in a row . Eugene May , Charlie Jackson and I decided to go to the game on Tuesday night for lack of anything else to do . The crowd was small since it was a school night , and we were sitting near some girls trying to strike up a conversation . One of the girls was Debbie Williams from Pennington , Texas , which is about fifteen miles from Crockett . She was sitting with two other girls from the Pennington area . We heard her say she would like to attend the game to be played Friday night , but she didn 't have a ride home . The other girls weren 't going to be able to attend . Debbie was a sweet and pretty girl and everyone liked her . All the Pennington girls left shortly afterward and we never talked to them . When the game was jackadilloking When a boy grows up in Texas , he is exposed to the sport of football from the time he can walk . After he is walking and talking , the first two toys he usually receives are a gun and a football . I don 't remember that far back , but I 'm pretty sure it was the same with me . In my hometown , the dream of every little boy is to one day to be a star player for the Crockett Bulldogs . Most little boys are playing tackle football without any pads by the time they are in the first grade . There is a game of football going on during recess at every elementary school in the state . In large towns , they had organized pee wee teams for kids in the fourth and fifth grades , but Crockett was too small for such programs . It wasn 't until the sixth grade that a boy could go out for the football team . Like most of my friends , I could hardly wait . For several years prior to entering the sixth grade , I suffered from asthma , and it wasn 't until my freshman year in high school that I was getting over the problems . It didn 't help any that I was allergic to just about every tree and variety of grass in East Texas , as well as a lot of common foods . Mother took me to a specialist in Tyler and he put me on a series of injections to combat my multiple allergies . Our general practitioner in Crockett , Dr . Goolsby , always told my mother I would probably grow out of it , and I eventually did . God only knows what kind of drugs I would have been given if I had grown up in the nineties . More than likely I would have no natural immunity to anything . I had two things working against me when I went out for the sixth - grade football team . The first was the fact that I still suffered somewhat from the asthma and got winded easily . The second thing was I was already known as " the boy with asthma , " which sealed my fate as far as ever being taken seriously as an athlete for the rest of my life in Crockett . Once you got a label with the coaches in Crockett it was yours forever , good or bad . The kids on the team were the same ones I grew up playing sports with and I cojackadilloking

Cats in the attic and other cat tails Please pardon the dual pun title . This blog post is all about the cats in my family . Currently , I have two , my brother has four , my parents have two , as do both my sisters . My wife , who loves cats is allergic , but thanks to Benadryl , she manages . When I was a kid , I fondly remember Gypsy , a little tabby someone gave my parents . Back then , there was no such thing as spaying or neutering your cats . You simply had a cat and she had lots of kittens . Gypsy must have been quite popular with the male kitties in our community . She managed four litters each summer . We were fortunate to know lots of people , because we gave away a lot of cats . At one time , we had fifteen kittens at once . My sister Tammy used to carry the kittens around in beef buckets . Everywhere you looked , there was a kitten popping out of something , and it was quite hilarious at times . We had so many cats , Dad had to do something . One day Gypsy ' ran away ' ; at least , that 's what we were told . The reality was , my parents could no longer afford to keep all those kittens , and were quickly running out of people to give them to . I bet my dad still feels guilty , but ( as he told us when were older ) one day he took Gypsy for a car ride to the local dump . " Lots of mice and rats for her to eat here " he told mom , as they drove home . When I got older , and my first marriage was over , I found my home very quiet . I decided to adopt two kittens . A friend of my parents had a litter of kittens at their home , and this is where I found ' Rascal ' . Rascal was and is still one of my favourite cats . He was a little grey tabby with a white belly , and from day one , he was special ; a real ' People Cat ' . Killercat and Rascal were the best of friends , and I loved watching them play . The worst thing I ever did was get Rascal neutered . Something went wrong with the procedure , and when he came home , the stitches let go . I had to rush him back to the vet . This was the beginning of a very difficult time for both myself and for Rascal as well . Once they did the ' fix ' , he had problems with his urinary tract , and after spending the next three years traveling to and from the vet clinic , my beautiful cat had to be put ' asleep ' . I cried with him the entire night , as we had to wait until morning to bring him into the vet . Killercat was devastated when his buddy didn 't return home from the vet . All the times before , he would be waiting patiently by the front door , and when Rascal came home , Killercat would wash him and the two of them would cuddle . This time , I returned home alone . It was almost as if my cat had went into shock . He just sat there , with a lost look in his eyes , crying . I truly believe animals mourn their loved ones when they pass away , and Killercat 's reaction proved it . After a few months of only owning one cat , I decided to look around for a ' friend ' for Killercat . A friend of mine told me a lady down the street from her had a litter of kittens to give away . What I found was quite the opposite . Apparently this lady was none too smart . She always wanted a Himalayan Persian , and her new husband was quick to get her one , at a price of $ 800 . The young un - neutered Tom Cat arrived , and seeing how the lady had to attend school that morning , she left him home with her un - spayed female tabby . Her new cat had quite the welcoming party , as in a short while , the lady was greeted by five more members of the cat family . Four of the kitties looked exactly like pure bred Himalayan kittens , but the other one didn 't . When I arrived at the door , the little kitty ran to my feet . It was almost as is she was asking me to rescue her . ' She is a bit shy , she always has been ' the owner told me . She even told me what she had done to the little cat , bragging how she sold each of the other cats in the litter for $ 500 each . She didn 't want anything for this one , who I named ' Misty ' . Misty was very shy , as I expected . Killercat hated her . They never got along , and Misty chose to live her life in the basement , often hidden away . She was never cross , and could be pet by only certain people . She also never grew . She is as tiny now as she was in 2002 . Killercat , on the other hand , was never the same cat as he used to be when Rascal was alive . He had gotten so cross , I didn 't trust him around anyone but myself . Although he was the prettiest thing , with his big green eyes and the totally black fur that covered his body , I urged people not to get close . He actually bit a few of my friends . When I met my wife , Killercat tried his dominance with her as well , but was surprised when she stood her ground . It was as if he appreciated this , and the two became very close . He never growled or threatened to bite her again . A few years later , Killercat began to have trouble with his urinary tract . A few costly trips to the vet and not many results , I decided to put an end to his suffering . As before , I had a difficult time with this , but the thought of him crying at night was too much for me . I brought him in to the vet , and surprisingly , she actually suggested putting him to sleep . When I got home , I told my wife " No More Cats ! " I said that once Misty passes on , I don 't want cats in my home again . It is just too hard when you have to put them down . That evening , while watching TV , I heard a cat meowing loudly . My wife and I ran to the basement to check on Misty . I thought for sure she was the next to go , but she was as content as ever , sleeping in her little bed . Again we heard the sound , and knew it couldn 't have been Misty . I ran outside to discover a tiny , skinny little tabby hiding under the front tire of my truck . I sat on the ground and called the little thing over , and although hesitant , he came to me . My wife came out with a bowl of cat milk ( No , we didn 't milk a female cat and fill a jar , this is actually a pet product , a low lactose milk made especially for cats ) . The little thing didn 't know what milk was , but when I put my finger in the bowl and then held it in front of him , he soon learned . I had to count my fingers to see if he had ate one or not . He drank five bowls of milk before cuddling into my lap . " Where will we keep him ? We can 't leave him out here , its starting to rain " I pleaded . " We can take him in , I will get a kennel " My wife offered . Well , once he made his way into the house , there was no going back . We had just adopted ( Bought ) a little Sheltie puppy , and worried at her reaction to the little kitten . We didn 't have to worry much , as the two of them became the best of friends . We named the little kitty Emily . This name didn 't stick , mainly due to my cousin informing us that ' Emily ' was much more like a ' Elmer ' ; so Emily quickly became ' Chance ' . We chose this name because it was only by Chance he showed up at our door that night . I have to say , Chance is the best cat I ever had . Of course he doesn 't get along with Misty , who still lives in the basement , but he is as much a ' People cat ' as Rascal was . In many ways , he reminds me of Rascal . Chance spends nights in the basement , but as soon as I wake , he is quick to come upstairs and greet me . He stands on his tippy toes and meows so that I can bend down . Upon me doing this , he kisses me . He has to have his kiss from both me and my wife every morning . In the evenings , he likes to cuddle with my wife on the couch , or run and tease the dogs and get them to chase him . From time to time , you can see him hanging from the neck of Marley , our sheltie . They play all the time . You can still find Misty here as well . She is the oldest cat in my family , but she still looks like a kitten . She comes out more lately , possibly due to her love for my wife . Misty gets so excited when my wife pets her , she drools , which my wife is also allergic to . Oh , I almost forgot , the title ' Cats in the attic ' relate to a story about one of my brother 's cats . My brother was having work done on his house , and one of the carpenters left the attic door open . My brother had this huge cat named Tiger , who was , like most cats , quite curious . Without being noticed , Tiger climbed the ladder and ran into the attic . The carpenter , who was unaware of this , closed the attic door and removed the ladder . When my brother arrived home , he looked everywhere for his cat , and was mortified how maybe he got out when the carpenter may have entered the house . After spending hours outside looking for his cat , my brother had to face the obvious . His cat had ran away . He was almost in tears when suddenly he began to hear meows coming from above . My brother explained how he believed he was losing his mind , but soon came to the suspicion that maybe the cat was really above , in the attic . When he opened the attic door , the huge cat leapt out and ran for the bed for safety . A big relief for both my brother and especially for his cat . SightsnbytesApril 11 , 2017April 11 , 2017 cars my dad drove I was talking to my dad yesterday , and he expressed how he just loves his current car . He drives a 2005 Pontiac Vibe he purchased used in 2009 . The car has served him well , always dependable , never breaking down . It gives us peace of mind for him to have a car as worthy as this one . My dad 's last car was a Hyundai Elantra . The thing spent more time at various garages than it spent in his driveway . The windows wouldn 't roll down , the transmission slipped , and the electrical was constantly a problem . He was lucky to sell that one . Dad was never one to ask much for his cars . He put the Elantra for sale for $ 200 . This bozo comes up and asks if the car comes with a warranty . It was a 2002 for crying out loud . The guy asks my dad to Guarantee the car will successfully travel from Newfoundland to Toronto ; of course my dad gave no such guarantee . Luckily we never heard from the guy again , so I guess the car did make it . Before the Elantra , my dad drove Toyota Tercel . What a great little car that was ! I believe the car was a 1996 . The car was the wagon version , and boy was it handy . My dad carried everything from lumber to laundry , and the car always started first click of the key . He would still have it , but our Newfoundland winters and the enormous amount of salt took its toll on the little Japanese car . My dad was sad to sell the car , but the guy who bought it said he transferred the engine to two more cars and the little motor is probably still running . The Tercel was certainly an upgrade from the 1982 Chevy Citation . This was one of the first front wheel drive vehicles my dad owned , as well as it being one of the first front drivers Chevy built . Although the little v6 engine was powerful , the car was troublesome . Again , being a station wagon ( they called it a hatchback ) , my dad used the thing like a truck . Before the Citation , dad had an old Chevy Nova . Piece of crap . I should know , I had one as well . A 1976 Nova , the thing was constantly broke down . We later used the car to bring us back and forth to the woods , where we worked together as pulp cutters . The car fell apart on the road one day . Dad didn 't pay anything for the Nova . Instead , he traded his 1972 Dodge Club cab Pickup for it . The old Dodge . I have fond memories of the truck . When Dad purchased it , it had a green patina paint job . These days the hot rodders would have left it that colour ( spelled correctly in Canada ) , but my dad hated the colour . My uncle volunteered to give it a ' psychedelic ' paint job . As you laugh , you must remember , this was the late 1970 's , so driving around in a two tone blue truck with paint highlights around the windows similar to a ' tie dye 't - shirt was somewhat cool . Okay , not really , but the paint job was free , and my Uncle Albert got to brag about his outlandish paint scheme . He actually coined the term ' psychedelic paint job ' . I believe my dad 's second favourite car was the 1972 Ford Cortina . A little British Import , my dad loved this little car . Despite being second hand , the car was in beautiful shape , and ran like a top , as my dad put it . I remember sitting in the car , and pretending to drive around . It was light blue in colour , and I can still remember how proud my dad was to drive such a nice car . Our cold damp Newfoundland winter was quick to destroy the little car . I guess British cars and road salt didn 't make a very good combination . Before this car , Dad drove a 1967 Ford Falcon . We have pictures of the snow white Ford . I can 't remember whether it was a two or four door , but I do remember a story about the car . My dad bought the little car used . He and our neighbour agreed to fix it up and give it a new paint job . When they attempted to remove the left front fender , they were surprised to find it difficult to remove , until our neighbour discovered the fender was nailed to a 2 × 4 that was nailed to the chassis . Some backyard mechanic actually used lumber to hold the car together . Good thing we didn 't have termites on the island , or else my dad 's car would have been eaten before the rust could have did its job . I know before this car my dad drove a terrible little fiat . The Fiat 500 was so slow , my dad had to back up hills in order to climb them . The exhaust constantly leaked in through the holes in the floor . I don 't remember much about this car other than what dad says now . I don 't remember much before that , but my dad talks about a few of his other cars , such as a ' 55 Pontiac , and a Nash . He says the Nash once had a flat , so he filled the tire with sand and drove it home . He still talks about the rough ride . He tells another story about the Nash . The four door was a bit rough , and lacked certain body parts , namely rear door handles . He tells a story of a time in which he and a few friends were driving on a slippery winter day . The hill he was climbing was very steep and icy , and when the car began sliding backwards , one of the passengers got scared and said ' Bail Out ! ' . My dad opened his door ( the only door with a handle on it ) and jumped from the car . The passengers all attempted to do the same , but the lack of door handles caused them to endure the ride backwards down the steep hill , and into the ditch at the bottom of the hill . Dad still laughs about that to this day . SightsnbytesMarch 28 , 2017 Curn : A Tribute to my Uncle A tall , slender man with a big heart , my Uncle Curn ( his real name was Cornelius ) was a brilliant man . He could talk politics with the best of them and he really knew how to spin a yarn . Whether he was humming a tune by his favourite singer John White or tying flies to go salmon fishing , the man was always in good spirits . Mom said that as a child , her brother loved taking things apart . She said the only thing wrong with that was that he rarely put them back together . She recalls him disassembling the family 's old phonograph player . He was amazed at how the small parts made the thing work . Mom recalls the house being relatively quiet after Curn took the phonograph apart , as he didn 't put it back together right and it never worked again . Cornelius was always game for a good chat , and there was no winning an argument with him . Mom said he was always so smart . Nobody could outfox or fool him . My dad married Curn 's sister , and Curn married my dad 's sister . How is that for a close family ? Although my aunt 's name is Rita , my uncle referred to her simply as ' Reet ' . I remember one time , my uncle called and asked if I would like to accompany him and his son on a fishing trip . I was excited to go , and of course mom said yes . He said not to worry about anything , because my uncle never worried . He was the most carefree person I ever knew . When we got to the river , my uncle noticed that he had forgot his tent . Most people would worry , but not him . " Don 't worry , I have a roll of felt in the back . We can make a bough camp and put the felt on top if it rains " he assured us . It was comfortable until about three in the morning . This was the time I woke from my sleep , drenched in water . Apparently , Uncle Curn 's fire was going out from all the rain , so he gradually tore pieces of felt from our roof and threw them in the fire . We were soaked . The worst thing my uncle ever did was begin smoking . He truly enjoyed a good smoke , and incidentally , smoking was the thing that made his life most difficult . I don 't think I can remember seeing my uncle without either a cigarette or a pipe . A few years back , he lost a leg due to clogged arteries . If you think losing a leg got him down , you didn 't know my uncle . I remember him telling me of how he crawled through the woods , hauling his body through the thick brush , setting rabbit snares in the fall of the year . A few months ago , the other leg began giving him trouble . Doctors attempted to free the clogs from his veins ( my family have very small veins ) , and although the surgery was relatively successful , his heart just couldn 't take it . For the last few weeks , he has been sedated with morphine , only coming to long enough to speak to the many visitors who came to see him . We got the call early this morning . His body could no longer withstand the pain . With most of his veins and arteries clogged , he passed away . It was a bittersweet time for my family . We knew he was in pain and suffering , so we wanted the Blessed Lord to take him away from his misery , but on the other hand , we didn 't want to lose him either . Our lives will be much emptier without him . SightsnbytesApril 28 , 2016April 29 , 2016 Honey 's visit Living in a small community , we never got many visitors . We were surrounded with immediate family , mostly on my dad 's side , so nobody really had to visit I guess . My grandmother had family in Nova Scotia , and from time to time , her relatives would come to the island for a visit . We always looked forward to this . With this , mom and dad began dancing around the house . My brother and sisters hid their eyes with embarrassment , but mom and dad didn 't care . That was until mom noticed someone standing outside the picture window … . with a huge video camera on their shoulder . It was Honey 's husband Dave , laughing to kill himself , as he videoed mom and dad dancing away . Of course , ( if my memory serves me correctly ) , his laughter was short lived … . he forgot the lens cap on his camera . ( If this was not the case , I would love a copy of the video ) Too bad , this would have made a great video for mom and dad 's 50th wedding anniversary a few years ago . SightsnbytesApril 7 , 2016 peppermint leaves I had a dream last night . I was little again . I was sitting in the tall grass at my grandparents ' house . The smell of fresh mint in the air , and a gently breeze blowing in my face . My great grandmother was sitting with me . " Chew the peppermint leaves , and then spit them out ! " she said , " They make your mouth tingle ! " With a handful of gooseberries she picked from the branches of the tree that hung over the step rail , and a glass of lemonade my grandmother made for us , we had quite a time . She told me stories , mostly about the hardships she faced as a young woman , left to care for her eleven children when her husband was taken from her at just 50 years old . Tuberculosis took him , and the dreaded disease took one of their younger sons soon afterward . SightsnbytesMarch 25 , 2016 Romance in the Roots During the last few months , I have began tracing my family tree . In the process , I have discovered so many stories . Stories of romance , tragedy , and struggle . In this , the first of the series , I bring you the tragic love story of Ralph and Mary , and how tragedy brought them together and separated them forever . Although we do not know much about Mary Foley , I am telling the story from her prospective . " I had it all figured out back then . Leave my boring little community and head for the city . I had just finished high school and wanted to do something other than be a housewife like my mother . I did my best to stay away from the boys and concentrate on my future . My marks were high enough that I was accepted into the St . Clare Hospital School of Nursing in St . John 's Newfoundland . I graduated top in my class and was ready to go to work . with the war just ended , there was plenty of work , and I got hired right away . I thought I would be working at St . Clare 's hospital , but that wasn 't the case . I was sent to work at the Sanitarium . And then one day , a young man was carried into the hospital . I still remember his curly hair and those eyes . I fell in love with him that moment . I followed him to his room , where he was put in a tent near a window . He was quarantined so that his disease didn 't spread to anyone else . The head nurse assigned me to his bedside . Talk about lucky ! Every day , while he was treated , I was there . I held his hands while he bravely fought against the disease . He told me stories about his home back on the west coast , and how his father died from the disease . He told me stories about his 10 brothers and sisters , and how his mother cared for them while she worked as a house cleaner for the wealthy people in the area . On the nice days , I would open the window so that Ralph could breathe in the fresh air . This seemed to help him . The two of us would glance out at the beautiful scenery and talk about our futures and how much we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together . I spent every living moment I could with Ralph , and I couldn 't wait for him to leave the hospital . The doctor said that he was improving . That was hopeful enough for him to propose to me . Of course I said yes . A few months later , the doctor said that Ralph was cured . He beat Tuberculosis . We went out on the town that day , along with a few friends we met at the hospital . What a great day . Ralph already wrote several letters to his family , telling them all about me . I could tell that he really loved me , almost as much as I loved him . We planned a fall wedding , back in Stephenville with all his family . I was excited to meet them , and Ralph said they were excited as well . I think I cried so much that I actually ran out of tears . My beloved Ralph , my handsome fiancé . My future . We had so many plans , and now it was over . I wrote a letter to Ralph 's family explaining everything . They were devastated . With no money to bring Ralph 's body home , I took care of everything . I made sure he received a proper burial , and I paid for it all with the money we saved together . They might say that Ralph didn 't have a long life , but I don 't agree . Despite being only 23 years old , Ralph managed to leave the simple country life of his siblings and travel across the province to the big city . He managed to beat a disease that killed so many , and he managed to fall in love … with me . I would say he led quite a full life . I just wish it could have been longer . I wish we could have had more time together . I will never forget my handsome man , with his curly brown hair and beautiful eyes . I would especially never forget his voice , and how much I loved hearing him tell me how much he loved me . I miss you already Ralph . " This is the story of my Great - Uncle Ralph White and the love affair he had with Mary Foley . Nobody knows what happened to Mary after Ralph passed away , all we have are the letters he wrote to his mother , how he expressed his love for Mary , and how he planned on making her his wife . We also have a few photos my family managed to dig up from old family albums . SightsnbytesFebruary 10 , 2016February 10 , 2016 ripping the tent When I was a kid , weekends were a time for family . Every Saturday morning during summer vacation my parents had something planned for the family . We had this old canvas tent that my parents bought from Simpson Sears . The top was green and the sides were yellow . The poles weighed a ton , and the tent took forever to set up . Still , this was our weekend get - away . Dad called the tent our home away from home . I remember once , I was playing with Dad 's pocket knife and I accidentally poked a hole in the side of the tent . I was horrified . I had ruined our summer . If Dad found out , he would be so disappointed . Dad never hit us as kids . He would just look disappointed , and for me that was worse than a trimming . I remember that day as if it was yesterday . The tent was setup in the backyard so that my brother and I could ' camp ' overnight , instead of sleeping in our beds . Dad had worked hard to make everything special , he had put our giant foam mattress in the tent , covered it with one of mom 's spare sheets , and put our sleeping bags in there as well . He even had our favourite comic books stacked near the bed for us . He really spoiled us . While Dad was downtown , I went to the shed and found what I was looking for . A tube of Krazy Glue . This was the stuff the guy in the commercial used to glue his helmet to the steel beam , which held him up . That must have been some tight helmet . Making sure I had the tent fixed before Dad got home was important to me . I didn 't want his oldest son known for ruining summer , so I quickly opened the glue ( never read instructions , who does that ? ) , and proceeded to apply glue to the tent . I ran the stuff in a thick bead around the rip , and held it there with my finger until the glue had set . Just then I seen my dad 's car pull into the driveway . In an effort to clear the scene and look innocent , I pulled my finger from the rip and … . . well Tried to pull my finger from the rip . The glue stuck my finger to the tent . I almost pulled the tent down trying to get away , to no avail . Plus it hurt like hell . I still remember dad coming over and asking me why I was pointing to the tent . He laughed when he realized that I wasn 't pointing to the tent , I was stuck to the tent . That stuff really held . Dad helped me get my finger free , but I think the remains of my skin stayed on that tent for many years to come . SightsnbytesJanuary 11 , 2016January 13 , 2016 Tribute to a soldier who never returned home He was just 17 when he left , but he looked every bit of 15 . With his heart set on saving the world from Nazi Germany , he joined the army . Mommy cried and so did Daddy , but he never told anybody . In those days , men were strong and didn 't go crying . I still remember Joseph walking down the concrete walkway Daddy and him poured just last summer . Joseph was always mommy 's favourite . She denied that she had a favourite , but we all knew better . All 7 of us kids were proud of our brother and despite the tears , mommy and daddy were proud of him as well , plus he promised to write every week . It seemed as if Joseph was gone forever . At times we doubted whether he was ever coming back . Mommy kept track of all his letters , most of them stained with dirt and sometimes even blood . We knew it must have been hell over there , so far from home , nobody he knew or even trusted , but he stayed anyway . In the six years he was gone , things sure changed around here . Daddy was sick a lot . TB or something ; at least that 's what the Doc said . Daddy couldn 't breathe very well , and couldn 't work . Mommy had to take jobs outside the house , mostly cooking and cleaning for the big shots in town . We almost starved . I remember the day they made the announcement . The war finally ended . We anxiously awaited the return of our brother . When the bus pulled into town , we were there , mommy and all us kids . We waited patiently for all the soldiers to exit the bus . Joseph wasn 't there . Mommy cried her eyes out while trying to screen us from the terror she felt , but we knew how she was hurting . I help mommy lots now . She has to work for all the big shots , keeping their kids fed and their houses clean . I do all that now , I am boss here over all the little ones , but I still miss my brother . A few years back , while volunteering at a senior retirement facility , this story was relayed to me . Annie , a very sweet old lady reminisced about her brother , and how they lost him at such a young age . The workers in the home thought she was crazy , always talking about some guy named Joseph . I listened to her and found that she was quite sane ; even at 97 , she never forgot one detail of her young life or about her brother . I presented her story here , for the world to read . I feel that since tomorrow is Remembrance Day here in Canada , it would be a good time to tell her story . Lest we forget not only those who lost their lives fighting for freedom , but also for the families who like Annie , anxiously awaited their loved ones to return home . SightsnbytesNovember 10 , 2015November 12 , 2015 12 … from an adult 's point of view The first thing I discovered once my son turned 12 is that I don 't know anything . Essentially , I am a moron . I am glad I figured this out . I vaguely remember being 12 . Maybe that is because I am 51 . Maybe it is because 12 was probably the worst year of my life . That was the year I discovered that my parents knew nothing . My son struggles with 12 because at this age , he is expected to be a bit more grown up than he was at 11 . What a difference a year is supposed to make . No wonder he gets confused . And as much as I try not to sound like my parents did when I was 12 , I sound exactly like them . You want to know why ? Because parents are SUPPOSED to sound like that . It shows that they care , and that they want the best for their kids . GOD ! It took me 39 years to figure that out . 12 is also a time in which you begin to think for yourself . God , it is so amazing . On the last day of your 11th year , you walk around knowing nothing about nothing , and then , suddenly , you turn 12 . This is not just another year . This is a year in which you evidently know more than even Albert Einstein knew in all his years . At 12 , you basically know everything . It 's a waste of time for anyone to tell you anything , because you know everything there is to know about everything on this planet , and maybe other planets as well . So much knowledge is stored in that amazing brain of a 12 year old that it still amazes me . Most of all , you know way more than both your parents combined . I know , I was 12 once too . Nowadays , 12 year olds cannot fail the school year . Every kid is passed on to the next grade ( or the parents have to fight with the school board to have them repeat a grade and always lose the battle ) . Nowadays , cheating in school is allowed . If a child is caught cheating , they do not receive a zero , they receive a chat from the school counsellor . Of course , being 12 , all the child hears is blah blah blah . This is because the counsellor ( who has had years of education and possesses a PHD in psychology ) knows less than the 12 year old . It must be tough working with all those 12 year old scholars . When I was a kid , you only received rewards when you did something . If you failed the school year , you remained in that grade until you passed it . I remember going to my grade 7 class and there was this adult sitting in the seat ahead of me . He repeated the seventh grade four times . He had a bigger beard than the teacher did . One day the teacher caught him cheating . His ass was kicked to the principals office where he received his ' reward ' for cheating . Ten lashes across the hands with ' THE STRAP ' . A twelve inch piece of leather sometimes used to sharpen straight razors . I think that guy finally graduated from the eleventh grade . I believe he was 24 at the time … definitely not the fastest rabbit in the woods . I wanna play with my old toys but I also want to date girls . I want to be a kid and I want to be treated like an adult . I don 't want to grow up but I have to . We Understand . We were 12 once too . We used to question our parents ' decisions too . We used to get angry with our parents all the time . We used to wish we were little kids again so we didn 't have to deal with all the crap that comes from growing up . But we did grow up , and when we did , we seen that our parents made the rules so that we could become the people we are today . So that we could raise our kids so that they could become all that they will become . Because we love our kids .

I was up a little after 05 : 00 this morning and by 05 : 30 I was on line and working . I made sure to wake Linda at 06 : 00 , or very close to that time , so she could get the girls up and moving . I needed to work on a couple of things , so I wasn 't of much assistance to her , though I did wake up the girls . The girls were particularly excited today , because they were going to get to see their mother , after school . This is good because we 've had them for just over four weeks now , and kids need their mothers . Linda got the girls over to the school and then took on the tasks of working on the house and helping Jason get ready for his appointment . Me , I was pounding on the keyboard and doing my best to get some information together and ready for presentation . Jason had his appointment with Wound Care , at Balboa hospital , and I 'm glad because I needed him to pick up some specific supplies . Because Jason is using a wound - vac he needs some different items that we normally don 't have , and before he went to the appointment we were completely out . Needless to say I was a little anxious to see the resupply , and then I could relax a little . The report back from the folks at Wound Care was positive , in that the wound is looking better and the left side is now closed . I just hope it remains closed this time . I could tell Jason was happy to hear that the left side was closed , as he was thinking that they might never close . Shortly after Jason got home we received a call from the school , that the girls had not been picked up by their mother . This put us in to a bit of a blitz mode . We needed to finish up what we were doing and get out of the house in a matter of a couple of minutes , so we could go get the girls . Jason was quickly texting her to find out what happened , and found out that it was a matter of her making a couple of poor choices , but she was now on the way . Even so , Linda and I were on our way to pick up the girls , and to say the least , they were not happy to see us . They were expecting their mom and she was a no show . As we pulled into the driveway Jason sent Linda a text and told us that the mother was on her way . This was very good news for the girls , and actually for us as well . They got to see each other , and they will be together for a couple of days . I was able to get back to work and finish up a few things , and then we all had dinner . I fixed some spaghetti and the three of us enjoyed a nice relaxed meal . While all this was going on , Carolyn , our new health aid worker , was taking care of Jason , and some of the tasks around the house , and as we sat down , she was headed out the door , and her shift was over . I think she is going to work out well , as her personality fits well with Jason 's , and she has a son who is about Jason 's age . He is also in the Army , so they have an area they can talk about - the military . The evening ended with Linda and I heading down to Babys R Us , to do a car seat exchange . They were running a special on " booster " seat , that they would provide a sizable discount if you brought in an old car seat . The girls no longer need the car seats , as they 've out grown them , and so now we have two new boosters that they like better , and we like them better because they 're a little easier to work with . After that we just came home and now I 'm finishing the blog . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Posted by Some times , things happen the same way , each day , that it makes it difficult to start the post on this blog . And , today was just another one of those days , except that we got up at 06 : 00 ( I actually got up at 05 : 50 ) and started our day . Linda went to bed feeling like she had been drug through a ringer , with aches all over , and in the morning she still felt pretty much the same way . Fortunately , whatever it was giving her all the problems seems to have been beaten by her system and she is feeling more like her regular self again . I was concerned that she had caught a flue bug or something and I am VERY glad to see that she is better . She still managed to get things going and had the girls off to school on time . I helped a little , but then I had to get to work , as we 're working on a bit of a deadline . I think I was able to get a considerable step closer to meeting that deadline , so I feel pretty good about it . I knew going into the job and working again , it was going to be a challenge for us , and now it is really making it clear just how much of a challenge . I still very much want to go to Jason 's appointments , so I can talk with the medical folks , though now it is almost impossible to do so . I 'm glad that Linda has stepped up and is doing it , so that we still have an extra set of eyes and ears there . Speaking of extra eyes and ears - I heard from the folks at Cal Poly and they are very excited to be moving forward with the project . I need to reach out to them tomorrow or Thursday , just to be sure they have no questions , or are short on any information . If they can come up with a solution for Jason we are going to be so happy . She has also taken on the task of interviewing potential new health aids , for Jason . Today was Joselynn 's last day , so we need to get someone ( or multiple someones ) in to help out . Joselynn has been a very good support for us , and she will be a tough act to follow , for whom ever we bring in . We 've spoken with four candidates so far , and we still have a couple more to talk to . The problem is that when we lived in Pt . Loma it was about a 25 minute drive for Joselynn . Now that we 're up in Fallbrook , it is about an hour , and that is just a little more than she can deal with on a regular basis . The good thing is that we 'll still see her every now and then , and that , in itself , will be good . Our relationship is more like a family than employer , as we 've gotten to know Robert , her husband and all three of her sons , very well . Jason is continuing to heal back from that tissue breakdown , and I look forward to hearing what they have to say at Wound Care . The wound - vac is off right now , not because it has done its job , but because I needed to change it out and there was one key component , and I didn 't have it . I can still pack the wound and that helps , its just the wound - vac is so much better . Tonight , Linda bathed the girls while I did Jason 's dressing change , and afterward she normally brushes out their hair . Today she only did Jackie 's hair , and ( drum roll please ) Stacy brushed out her own hair . This is the first time for her brushing out her own very long hair and doing it completely . Linda has been teaching her how to brush her hair the past several weeks . Stacy was so very proud of herself and , between you and me , I think Linda was pretty proud of Stacy , too . Once everyone was done with showers and baths Jason went in to say good night to them , and that made me feel good . I always like it when he goes in to them and says good night . It is one of those small steps that makes him feel a little more like a normal dad . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today was a little different , for one of our Sundays , in that Linda was headed off to a Blue Star Mothers luncheon , honoring Gold Star Mothers . For those that don 't know - Gold Star Mothers are those that have had a child in the military and also lost a child due to a combat related incident . One of the things we learned today ( both Lind and I ) is that the last Sunday in September has been designated Gold Star Mothers Day , by Congress , and was done in 1936 . The idea of the Gold Star was begun by President Woodrow Wilson , back in 1918 , to give them recognition beyond the Blue Star , that was already known . Anyway , Linda was gone for most of the day , with fellow Blue Star Mothers - Loretta , Tina and Lynn , from her chapter . It sounded like she had a good time meeting all these new people , and spending time with friends . While Linda was off doing this I was home with the girls and Jason . The girls wanted to go to a new park , Live Oak Park , that isn 't too far from where we live now . Before leaving , Linda asked me to just relax and try not to do too much , around the house . I did my best to oblige and aside from some dishes and laundry , I didn 't do too much . I also put in Jason 's pet door , so the dogs can , theoretically , get in and out of the house , on their own ; we just need to get them used to using it . I did get to watch a little 49er football , and it was very disappointing . It was like a good college team going up against a professional football team , and the 49ers were not the professionals . I think the next couple of years are going to be dedicated to rebuilding because they have gone through such an upheaval . Tonight there was a lunar eclipse , and shortly after dinner , and getting the girls to bed , Linda and I were able to sit out on the patio and just relax and enjoy it . I went in and asked Jason if he 'd like to come out and see it and he said , " no . " A short time later he was out on the patio and took a look , with us . He didn 't stay too long , and that is probably a good thing . We still want to have him stay down as much as possible . His wounds are healing up , and a big factor with that is the fact that he has been able to stay down . Also , while I was at the park with the girls , Jason had a visitor . Tim Kirk , the realtor who helped us find the property for Jason 's house , came by and visited for about an hour . He was here when we got back from the park , and then stayed a little longer . It was good to see him visit with Jason , as I know Jason would really enjoy having more visitors right now . One last thing I did today was to install Jason 's pet door . It fits into the sliding class door , and is a bit more complicated than I thought it would be , Then again it does seem to work pretty well . So far Gracie is comfortable with it and Kojak is very caution about how it works . We 'll see how things go , over the next several days . Thank you for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Posted by We had a pretty good day today - especially considering all that we had on the task sheet . First we got up and made French Toast . I say , " We " because Linda basically put everything together and I did the cooking . A very nice , and unexpected aspect was that we had bought some of the " Texas Toast " to make the French toast , because it is so much thicker ; and , when I was done cooking we were out of the bread and everyone had eaten all they wanted . I love it when there are very little left overs , and everybody is happy with a full tummy . The next thing on the agenda was to take the girls to The Picture People , to take some up - to - date portraits of the girls . We had to drive over to Escondido , about 20 miles away and we really didn 't have enough time to get there , for our appointment . We were supposed to be there at 11 : 15 and I think we got there about noon , or just a little before . The young woman working there , who greeted us , said it wouldn 't be a problem and they would squeeze us in , and it shouldn 't take too long . That probably would have been fine , if we hadn 't had more to do , We ended up leaving right after Linda had set up another appointment . One of the interesting things that kind of bothered Linda and me , Was the fact that there seemed to be no record of Linda making the initial appointment , in the first place . As far as they were concerned , we weren 't late at all , just a family wanting to get a picture taken . Linda was bothered , and I do recall her talking on the phone , making the appointment , so I don 't understand why they had no record of it . Well , we were headed back to the house , because Joselynn was coming over soon , and it would have been nice for us to be there . She arrived a few minutes before we did , and the reason she was there was because she wanted to help us put away as much of the garage as we could . The garage was full of things from the move , and that included two households . A little while , after we were working on getting things put away , Loretta also came over , with the idea that she would be able to help , too . With the girls now taking a nap , that kind of gave us a free hand in focusing on the garage . We continued working on it , until late in the evening , and it felt pretty good when we were done , for the day . We managed to get about 2 / 3 of one side of the garage put away , and there is now at least some room to move around in , and even Jason should be able to get around in his chair . It was nice to have Joselynn and Loretta over to help , as they both work well with Linda and the two of them made short work of the tasks at hand . Loretta is spending the night , and she and Linda are going to be heading out together , in the morning for a Blue Star Mother event . I will be taking the girls to church , and Jason will be at the house with the dogs . Of course Jason needs to stay down now , so he won 't be going anywhere . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today was pretty much like what a Friday is supposed to be . The anticipation of the weekend coming and everyone is in a good mood ( almost everyone - I 'm sure there are some grumpy types out there ) . We ( Linda and I ) were able to get up before 06 : 00 and there was no rush to get going . I enjoy laid back days , with some minor targets to go for , but basically a relaxed day that we can take care of things , as we can get to them . . . Okay , enough of the day dreaming . . . We did get up this morning and it was prior to 06 : 00 , and the first thing I did was to push the on button on the computer and then go wash my face and brush my teeth . There was to be a big meeting this morning , and the team was getting together to make sure we had everything ready . There were no urgent emails for me to address , so I was able to help Linda a little in getting the girls up and going , and making sure Jason had some breakfast . Because we did get up early , there really wasn 't much of a rush to do things , though on the other hand , we did need to keep focused on getting the girls up and ready for school While Linda took the girls to school I managed to finish getting breakfast for Jason and myself , and then start working . As most of you know , I am working on a project for the VA , through the company , LongView . Because the company does just about all of its business with the government , the pending " shut down " is of concern and the management team sent out a notice to all employees . It was to let us know what to expect , if there is a shut down . Basically what it means is that I 'll end up with a number of days off , and also no pay . That would be kind of a bummer , but my gut feel is that the folks in Washington will be able to get things together and the shut down will be avoided . Jason , Linda and I interviewed some potential health aid workers , that would be coming in to help with taking care of Jason 's needs . We have another candidate still to talk to , and then we 'll make a decision . Both of the women we spoke with today seemed like strong candidate , so the choice may be difficult , though I think that is a good challenge to have . Once they come on board it will be a major relief of some of the load that Linda has been carrying , and maybe even some of my load . Besides , I think Jason kind of liked doing the interview . He seemed very animated and engaged . Tonight Linda and I were able to have a date - night . We had a friend come over to stay with the girls and Jason . Lori was very happy to do so , and she has known Jason for a few years now . Linda thought it would be a good idea to go see a movie , and so we went in that direction . When we were close to the theater there was plenty of time to get something to eat , so we did that instead . Once we were sitting down I said that I 'd be happy just sitting there and talking - we didn 't need to go to a movie . Linda kinda liked that idea , so that 's what we ended up doing . We decided to go back home and pop some popcorn and watch one of our own movies ( not sure what we 're going to watch , and honestly , whatever she chooses is fine with me ) . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today was a nice relaxed day for Jason and a pretty much normal day for Linda and the girls . However for me it was a particularly busy day , in that I didn 't get done with work until about 21 : 00 tonight . There is a pretty big presentation coming up and we wanted to be sure it was done correctly . The challenge was that there wasn 't a great deal of time to get it done . Therefore , we , my team , had to put in a number of later hours to get it all together . The positive is that it looks pretty good . Linda and Jason had another visit from Lori , from the dog training that Jason goes to , and she stayed for a few hours . It was particularly nice because she stopped and picked up some sandwiches for us , and the one I had was very good . Actually , Linda and I had been to the same deli that she went to , to get the sandwiches , and we were happy to have found the place . The girls had a good day in school and Jason had a relaxed day at home . Not much else went on , and it was nice to have a relaxed day for a change . I 'm ready to call it a day and get some rest . Thank you for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today is Stacy 's Birthday ! She is now seven years old and loving life to the fullest ! We got up today and both girls were ready to get going bright and early , and there was no problem in trying to get them up . The plan was for them to be up and go to school , and then after school their mother was to pick them up from school , to celebrate Stacy 's birthday then bring them back to Jason at about 20 : 00 ( 8pm ) . The girls have been with us for more than 3 weeks now , and this seemed like a good chance for them to get together , at least for a little while . The only problem is , that isn 't quite how it happened . The girls got to school on time , and in their class rooms , and then their mother showed up and pulled them out of school . She decided that they would spend the morning and early afternoon together , and go to Chuck E Cheese to celebrate . After the " party " was over , they were brought back to Daddy 's house and dropped off , at about 16 : 00 ( 4pm ) . The only thing missing from this was that there was no communication , to let us know that was what was going to happen . I had a doctor appointment to get my hand looked at ( a problem with Trigger Finger ) , and Linda went with me . . . we left at about 14 : 30 ( 2 : 30pm ) about an hour and a half before they arrived . Jason was comfortable with us going , as he was only going to be alone for a couple of hours , and if anything came up we had friends who would come right over . As it turned out , we needed the help of those friends . Jason found out about the girls coming over about an hour or so , after we had left . Linda would not have gone with me , if we had known the girls were coming . As soon as Jason called Linda , to let her know what was happening , she jumped on the phone and called one of our new neighbors - Kelli . Kelli and her husband Bruce , came over immediately . Linda then called Loretta and she was able to come over a short time later . Loretta provided the coverage needed and even prepared dinner for Jason and the girls . Linda and I made it back to the house a little before 19 : 00 ( 7pm ) , with a big part of that due to traffic delays . On top of all of this excitement , Linda and Jason went to Wound Care today and Jason took care of his wounds , late this morning . The good news is that the right side is looking better and they gave him a few extra supplies , when he came home . The other news is that he is still using a Wound Vac , and it looks like he will be needing to keep it on for another couple of weeks . This is unfortunate , as we were all hoping to go for a weekend in October , just to get a change . Now it looks like travel is going to remain limited to short / quick trips to the store , or trips for medical reasons . We continue to deal with challenges , yet the overall attitude in the house is positive . Jason is doing well and we know that he will continue to mend . We just need to keep things in a positive light and God will help us get through this . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today started on the earlier side , as we woke up at about 05 : 00 , and then we just stayed in bed for another hour before actually getting up . It was a nice easy relaxed beginning to the day , and then after being up for about a half an hour it got busy . The girls were in their typical playful mood , which can be a bit of a hindrance when trying to get them going in the right direction . All they want to do is have fun and play , so we get to be the bad guy and make them focus more on what they should be doing . Fortunately we don 't have to push too hard , though in fact , Linda is the one who usually has to do most of the redirecting . The girls were off to school and I was off to work . Jason was resting in his room and Linda was out taking care of most everything else . One thing , though , that happened today , Jason received a Roomba , vacuum system and that is going to help with some of the cleaning of the floor . This house has more hardwood floor than just about any other house I 've seen . We don 't have carpet anywhere . One thing that did happen today , that was particularly nice , was that the Federal Recovery Coordinator called me today and we discussed the need to get things moving for Jason 's seating system . She asked me to get her in touch with the team out of Cal Poly and to see what synergy the two groups could have together . She just needs me to make the connection , so I 'll be moving on that tomorrow . I 'd like to see a new system come up , to help Jason , as what he has currently just doesn 't cut it . Today is also Taco Tuesday , and staying with tradition , we fixed tacos . The girls were excited , as always , to have tacos and today we changed it up a little with Jason and I having burritos as well as a taco . Shortly after dinner , and after play time ( all homework was already done ) , it was time for bed . I read them a story about Africa ( Tanzania ) and they enjoyed it . Tomorrow is Stacy 's actual birthday , and she is very excited about it . Linda has a few surprises waiting for her , so it will be a good day . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . We got up a little on the late side , this morning , as it was about 06 : 20 when we rolled out of bed . I was okay , since I didn 't need to get on the phone until 07 : 00 , though Linda needed to get the girls going , and fed so she could get them to school . I spent the first part of the morning helping Linda and getting the girls up and moving . As it turned out , we were able to still have them up and ready , and then out the door , with time to spare . Jason had a couple of visitors , as well as a technician dropped by to take a look at one of his chairs . The chair needs a new battery , and the tech said they would be shipped here . The other visitors , were Sherry and Chris ( I probably spelled their names wrong ) , to women who are connected to the group who has been helping Jason with the training of Gracie , and we hope will be helping with training of Kojak . It was as much a social visit as a professional one . I think it was good for Jason to have a chance to speak with somebody outside of the group he has been dealing with for the past couple of weeks . The girls had a good day at school and I think the high point of the day is the bus ride home . It is really kind of cute how they both look forward to being on the bus . Jackie was very happy to tell us that she had a green day ( that 's a good day in their class room language ) . Both girls are very happy to be at their school , and that is a very good thing indeed . This evening was kind of laid back , and a little slower than the last few we 've had . A big part of that is the weather . It wasn 't near as hot today as it was yesterday , and in fact it rained this evening . It didn 't rain much , but enough to get the windows wet . We had dinner and then the girls were in the bath , where Linda washed them , while I went to the store to pick up some milk . I also had to get some gas and the gas station I would have normally gone to was closed , due to construction . I needed fuel so I drove farther in to Fallbrook and that meant I was out a little longer than planned . When I got home the girls were listening to Linda read them a story . I was able to help them get into bed and then Linda and I did a little clean up and the blog . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . What a wonderful day , today has been . We woke up late , it was nearly 07 : 30 , and we decided that today we were going to just stay home and not go anywhere . We needed a break and today was going to be that break . Yesterday was Stacy 's party , and it was lots of fun , as well as doing a very good job of wearing out the girls ( and us ) . They were both still asleep and so we decided to take advantage of the quiet and just relaxed in bed for a little while . We did manage to get up , a little after 08 : 00 and we went in and checked on Jason . That 's where we found out the girls got up a little while after we had gotten back in bed , and they were in the room with Jason . They were watching cartoons and having a very good time . I decided to start breakfast and Linda started laundry ( I think mine was more fun ) . By the time she was ready to sit down , breakfast was done . I scrambled some chorizo with egg and potatoes for Jason and I ; I also made some French Toast for Stacy ; and , Linda and Jackie were happy with some Wheat Chex cereal . The kitchen was probably a little messier than it would normally be for breakfast , but that was okay , it all tasted very good . Linda wanted to get started on putting some things away , because we were going to be seeing the Pickettes , a little later in the afternoon ( early evening ) . They were bringing Candy and Pumpkin back to us ! Anne and Glenn have been caring for the cats , for over a year now , through the program , Dogs on Deployment ( DoD ) . DoD is a non - profit ( 501c3 ) that helps military families locate " foster " homes for their pets , and we were grateful that the service was available to us . It has been rough on the cats , with all the moves , and now that they were really getting comfortable with the Pickettes , we moved them again - but at least this time they are back with us . Anne and Glenn have been wonderful with them , and they have been treated very well . We could not have asked for a better place for them to spend that year and a half . Glenn and Anne brought the cats this evening , and then stayed for dinner . Both Stacy and Jackie were more excited about the cats coming than we were . When we went over to Anne and Glenn 's place , to visit with them and the cats , we would sometimes take Stacy and Jackie with us . This allowed them to become more familiar with them , and I hope it allows the cats to become a little more acclimated to this " new " home , a little easier . Anyway , dinner was nice and relaxed , and they got to spend some time with Jason , discussing all kinds of things , just the way Jason likes it . He has an amazingly broad range of knowledge and enjoys talking about all sorts of different things . One of the exciting things that Glenn showed us was a new app that is available for my phone . It 's called the ISS Tracker ( that 's International Space Station ) . It allows you to see it , if it should pass overhead , and there was an iridium flair while we all stood outside . The app helps to let you know when they are going to happen . It was also nice just being able to go outside . Today it got up to about 105 degrees and there was a power outage . From what I understand there were many many people without power , and it lasted for a few hours . Fortunately , we have a generator and it worked just like it was supposed to . In fact , it was so smooth , I wasn 't even aware of an outage until Jason told me about it . Everything is back to normal again , and the house has continued to be cool . I 'm not sure about tomorrow , as it is supposed to be another hot day , and yet it is also possible that it is going to rain . I used to think that weather in the SF Bay Area was a little strange , and now sometimes it gets very strange around here . Whatever happens , I 'm going to enjoy it . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Crazy - busy day for us , today , as we got up early so that we could make the final touches on Stacy 's birthday party . There was cleaning to do and still preparations to be completed . The amazing thing was that we managed to get it all done , and before the first guests arrived . With Jason 's new place here , parking is not an issue . The land , down by the road , is perfect as a parking area , and it is easy to get to . I had made up a sign and put it on a sawhorse , so when folks arrived they 'd know where to go . We ended up with about seven vehicles parked in that area and no one was blocked in , in any way . The girls were very excited as some of Stacy 's friends from her new school and some from the previous school , were able to make it . Unfortunately not everyone was able to come though , and that did leave Stacy a little disappointed . It seemed to me like there were close to 20 or 30 kids here , but I know it was closer to 12 . Jason had ordered a Jumpy House for the kids to play in and they all took advantage of the opportunity . I just wish there had been Jumpy Houses when I was growing up , they look like they 're lots of fun . Joselynn came with other members of her family , and she was a big help in getting things done . She works really well with Linda , and we were very happy she made it . She also brought us some pinto beans , that needed to finish cooking , so we can have them for our " Taco Tuesdays . " After everyone left , Linda and I packaged up the beans into smaller amounts , to be used with meals later . Another friend of Linda 's came , Loretta , and she stayed after most of the rest of the people left , and helped Linda with working in the garage . They were focused on emptying boxes and getting things put away . The two of them managed to get through about 10 large boxes , and it was noticeable , the amount of progress they made . I was kept busy running around going back and forth , putting things away and doing a little more clean up on the out side of the house , while they both worked in the garage . About the only down thing , with Stacy 's party was that Jason was not comfortable getting out of the bed , to see her open gifts . Stacy went to open a couple of them in Jason 's room , and thus he was included . Jason wasn 't feeling well because of nerve pain that was suddenly giving him some extra challenges . Fortunately it wasn 't something that was a constant problem , but it did happen enough that Jason did not want to get out of bed , and felt that staying down was the best thing for him to do , and to help with the healing . After the party and after Loretta and Linda finished working on the garage , we went to an event to help support breast cancer awareness . We had originally planned on being there much earlier but due to other things Linda and I didn 't get there until about half way through the event . We were both tired , so we didn 't stay too long , though we did get a chance to speak with Tim and Kristie Kirk , and it was good to just sit down and talk with them . We headed back to the house after only being there about an hour , and that was long enough to visit and relax a little . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Some of you might be wondering what happened to the blog last night . Well , Linda and I actually got a " Date Night " in , and we went to a movie and dinner . The dinner was at a local Mexican restaurant and the food was pretty good , though I think some of the spiciness that was in Linda 's made her tummy a little upset . Then we went on to a movie and saw , " No Escape . " It was a very intense movie , and Owen Willson and Lake Bell did an amazing job , I was very pleased . We didn 't go to the movie for the stars in the movie or for the content of the movie . We went because of the time it was shown , and it fit our open window of opportunity . As it turned out it was very intense for just about the entire movie , and as a result , that level of intensity , along with the spicy food , Linda 's tummy was really going . to plan for Stacy 's birthday party ( she 'll be seven ) . Jason was in bed for most of the day and remained as positive as he always is . We did have a visit from the HOA , and they brought a welcoming gift for Jason . It is a flag that reflects that Jason was a part of the EOD team , and Jason really appreciated it . Otherwise there wasn 't much to blog about . Today was another day of great weather down here . We 've had so many very hot ( triple digit temps ) , and then got hit by some serious rain for a couple of days ; it was nice to see a warm bright day with clear skies . Tomorrow is supposed to be another nice day , and that is particularly good , as Stacy is celebrating a seventh birthday , and we are having a party . That means we expect to see a bunch of her friends from school as well as from Pt . Loma area . We 'll see who makes it tomorrow . That 's about it for now . As you can tell , I 'm doing this kind of late , again , and I 'm getting tired . I really need to get more into a pattern of getting the blog done earlier . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Another wonderful , though busy , day here in Fallbrook . Linda and I got up before 06 : 00 , and it was a good thing , because I had a conference call going right at 06 : 00 . The benefit was that it provided a little extra time for Linda to get the girls up , and fed breakfast . My call lasted for about an hour and a short time after getting off the phone I was assisting Linda , helping to get the girls to their school . We also decided to go out to breakfast , since we both had a little " free " time , at that point . We made sure Jason was okay and we weren 't gone for more than an hour . Jason had a few appointments today , and Linda went with him to the various appointments , all of them being at Balboa . Jason ran into a few friends there and was able to do a little catching up , and so it was a very positive excursion for both of them . While they were gone I had work to do and then , a little while after the girls were out of school , I picked them up . They ride the bus over to a bus stop that is close to the house , so it works out really well for all of us . Linda and Jason got home about 90 minutes after the girls so it was just the three of us , for a little while . I gave them a little snack and then they went off to play , while I cleaned up the kitchen . I was off work now , so it wasn 't too difficult to be with the girls . Linda and Jason arrived and the girls were ready for them . A little while after that I started dinner , and Linda ran over to Target or Walmart , or maybe both , to pick up a few things . By the time she was home dinner was ready , or at least almost ready . After a few minutes we were all sitting down to eat and then it was about the end of the day - all except for a little play time , getting ready for bed , and , playing with Daddy . I 'm not sure who has more fun , the girls or Jason - I just know it makes Linda and I happy . One of the other things that happened today was that the fenced dog area was almost finished . They came in early and even though the ground was still a bit wet from yesterday 's rain , they got started . They nearly got all the fencing done and one of the gates attached , so they should be able to finish it all up tomorrow . The work done today was enough that I felt comfortable letting Kojak run free , and boy did he run . It is the happiest I 've seen him , with his tail all curled up and held up like a husky . I let them ( Gracie was trotting around also ) play for a little while , then we had to come in . The day has come to a close and I 'm actually getting a chance to work on the blog a little earlier than I typically do . The girls will be going to bed in a short while and then I 'll be helping Jason with a shower . It is a little later than he usually showers , but it is the best time for today . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Another exciting day at the Ross household . We got up early , as I needed to be on a conference call at 05 : 30 , and I got Linda up at 06 : 00 . Actually , I broke away from the call , just so I could wake her up , as I was taking the call in another room . She got up and then we noticed something different about today - IT WAS RAINING ! The girls got up and it was instant excitement . Linda still managed to calm them down enough to get them ready and off to school . She wanted to get out a little earlier than normal , as rain usually means traffic is going to be much rougher than normal , but then reality was that she got out a few minutes later than normal . As it turned out , the girls got to class on time and Linda got back to the house in a reasonable amount of time . While all this was going on the workers , who started working on the fence , yesterday , came back and took up where they left off . They did manage to get a few of the sections done , when they finally called it a day . It was raining pretty good by the time they left , and I understand that in the few hours that it did rain , we got about 1 / 2 " , and now it looks like it might rain again tomorrow , or at least tonight . Jason is doing well , and he will be going in to Wound Care tomorrow . I 'm sure they are going to be pleased with his progress , as healing is working well right now . He has really restricted his moving around , for these past several weeks , and it will be good to see things start to get back to a better state . On another note , an appointment came along for me to have my hand looked at . Of course that appointment won 't be until next week , but at least an appointment exists . Being that it is Tuesday , Linda fixed Tacos for the girls . We had gone to Costco , over in Temecula , and found where it was . We actually like it better than the one over in Vista , and it seems to be a little easier to get to . It was Costco , so we ended up spending more money than we probably should have , though everything we purchased was needed . Dinner was over and the girls got to go spend some time with Daddy , and also talk with their mother , since they 've been with us for two weeks now . As it turns out , they are going to be spending another two weeks with us , as she has asked us to keep them again , until she finally gets settled in her new house . The girls were okay with it , and a little later were playing and having a great time in their rooms . Not much else to go over tonight . The fence guys will probably be back tomorrow , as long as it doesn 't rain . Otherwise I would guess they will be back in a couple of days , after it dries up a bit . It is supposed to rain some tonight or tomorrow , and then dry up over the next several days . During the dry weather they should be able to finish the fence , and then the dogs will have their play area . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . I was woken up at about 02 : 00 this morning , because Kojak wasn 't feeling well , and had pooped on the floor , in Jason 's room . Needless to say , I wasn 't happy about having to do this , but I was the one who was awake , and I 'd rather Linda stay in bed - as she will have to be getting the girls up and to school later in the morning . After getting it all cleaned up I told Jason that he needed to make a pet doctor appointment for Kojak , so we can find out why he has been having these stomach issues . I went back to bed and finally got back to sleep , and then had to get up around 06 : 15 , because Kojak had again , messed in the room . Linda was up this time and between us we were able to get the girls up and moving , the dog mess cleaned up and a short walk out in the backyard , and then a quick breakfast and I had to get to work . Fortunately , I don 't have to travel far , and work right out of the bedroom ( my " Office " ) . Linda finished getting the girls ready and their lunches packed , and then took them to school . After Linda came back home she came in and told me that she would be taking the dogs down to the vet , and helping Jason to get them there . I wasn 't too happy about Jason having to take the dogs down , but they are his dogs and he wanted to do it . On top of that his wounds are in better shape than they have been in several weeks , so I couldn 't complain too much . As it was , they were gone for a couple of hours , and the doc was not able to say what was going on , just that tests were being sent out and lab work would be back later . He provided some antibiotics and some special food for Kojak , and now we just wait . Fortunately , what ever it was that he gave to Jason , sure seems to be working . Kojak seems to have settled his stomach down considerable , and Kojak likes the food . We fixed breakfast for dinner tonight , with me making pancakes with eggs and bacon , and the girls were very happy with it , as were all of us . Its a simple meal and it tastes good . Besides , the girls like the idea of having breakfast at night , and they think of it as an exciting way to have a meal . From this point it was a matter of just getting them to bed and Linda and I getting a chance to relax a little . We still had a few things to do , but it was at a slower pace . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . No post yesterday , for multiple reasons . I suppose I could have said that it was due to network issues , and though we are being challenged by the network ( or lack of sometimes ) , that wouldn 't be accurate . The reasons for not posting yesterday were basically related to two things a ) there wasn 't much to put in the blog ; and , b ) I was really tired yesterday , by the time I would have been able to get to the computer I just wanted to get some sleep . Jason is doing well , and he did get a shower in , and both of those are good things . We also unpacked a couple of boxes and put away a few more things , but generally it was a laid back kind of day . Though we did get to meet a couple of our neighbors , as they were walking their dogs on the street , or just happened to be driving by . We are feeling welcomed here , and that is a very good thing . About the biggest bit of excitement , though was that Linda was able to attend her first Blue Star Mothers meeting as 1st Vice President of the North County San Diego Blue Star Mothers . Anyway , on to today , and all that happened today . We got up this morning and decided to head over to the Grace Presbyterian Church , over in Vista . We had met Pastor Tom , through a friend ( also named Tom ) , over a year ago , and come to find out that we now live pretty close to where he and his wife live . One of the more interesting aspects of our getting to know Tom , is that Tom also grew up in the SF Bay Area . The going to the Grace Presbyterian followed breakfast , and the girls were very excited to go to Sunday School , again . We had a good time and it was nice getting a chance to meet some different folks , away from the house and away from work . We were back home a little after noon , and so immediately Linda and I went into feed the girls mode , and fixed some lunch for them and Jason . A little after that they were down for a nap and we just kicked back and relaxed . We are in the midst of planning Stacy 's seventh birthday party , and this gave us a chance to work on that , without interruptions . There are still things to be done , but I think we have most everything done , except get the cake . I was also able to help Jason with his shower and did a full vac exchange , and considering how long it has been , since I did my last change out , I was surprised at how well it went . Tonight we had chicken and mashed potatoes . It was nice to have potatoes again , since we haven 't had them in a while . The girls played for a little while after dinner and it was my turn to clean up , so Linda read them a story , and they went to bed . Now I have time to get the blog updated and a post to put out for others to read . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Fourteen years ago , Jason was sitting with a bunch of other new recruits waiting to go to the MEPS so that he could become a Marine . He was eating breakfast and happened to look up at the T . V . and saw the news , only he thought it was a movie . He saw an airliner fly into one of the Twin Towers and then found out that it was real . The thought ran through his mind that something was very wrong and after the news caster said that it had been a hi - jacked plane , flown by some unknown middle easterners , he thought , " We 're going to war over this one . " How right he was . It did not change his mind in the slightest , about joining the Marines , and in fact , he was looking forward to it more . The problem was that now all the transportation to get down to be inducted , had been shut down , and the folks in charge didn 't know quite what to do . The recruits all got to spend another night at the hotel and then the next day parents and others were called to come get them , and they would " hold until further notice . " The hold lasted another six days and Jason joined the Marines , still down in the San Diego area , just a week later . And that is what the start of his career looked like . Today being September 11 , is a day that will always be remembered by many people , just like December 7 , is still remembered . As a way to honor those who died on that day we had a special visitor , Gary Sinise . He was also here to take part in filming a special program , that will air on PBS , and I believe it is called " The Next Home . " We don 't know when it will be shown , just that we have been told they will do their best to let us know when , so that we can watch it . CORE , who is a partner with the Gary Sinise Foundation , and did the " Smart " part of the Smart Home was a big part of the filming today , also . It was actually a lot of fun to have them here , and even the girls , Stacy and Jackie were able to join in the fun . Gary also got to spend some private time with Jason , and that was very nice , as well as good for Jason . Jason managed to stay in bed , for just about all day today , as he is very determined to get the wounds to heal up . I think he is anxious to get some solid help in the seating solution that will allow him to stay in his chair longer , and he wants to move on to the next level of his recovery . There are some serious wheels turning right now , and I am hopeful that there is some positive outcome in the next two or three months . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Wow ! I feel like this is a special kind of post . I am entering into my blog and it isn 't even 21 : 00 ( 9pm ) yet . Of course , it still won 't be posted until after Linda reads it and does her editing job , but still I think it is special that it is being written , early for a change . Actually , Linda doesn 't read all of my posts , prior to them being posted , just most of them , over these past couple of years . I suppose most of you were able to tell when she had seen them and when she had not - that 's why I asked her to check them out . I get going sometimes and use wrong words or missed words , and it makes it difficult to read , or make sense of it . Anyway , here goes . I got up , right after Linda did . She had been thinking about Friday 's activities and it made it more difficult to sleep . Tomorrow we are being filmed for a presentation and Linda wants the house to look better than brand new . She has been doing a great deal of extra cleaning and putting things away and though it has been making her tired , she has woken up these last couple of days , early . I had a few things to take care of this morning , too , so it was important for me to get up early , as well . Jason has a wound - vac on his right side now , and last night it started to malfunction . I wanted to get with it first thing , and see if I could figure it out . Jason wanted me to do that as well , so I had a very cooperative patient to work with . It turned out to be a problem with the tape that provides some of the seal , where it had failed . We didn 't have any spare / extra tape , so I couldn 't fix it . I told Jason he was going to have to go back in , again , and that he would need to call in for an appointment . I had to get to work , so we left it at that . By the time Jason was able to get in to see the folks at Wound Care , it was later in the day and I guess that is a good thing . I was able to sit through another tutorial on the wound - vac and they showed me how to take care of the tape , should it start to fail again . They also provided us with some extra tape , so we are covered , now . As it is , he won 't have to go back to Wound Care until Wednesday of next week , and then he should be in much better shape . As it is , the wound is looking much better already and I 'm feeling much better . Joselynn came to help Linda work on the house , as the two of them took on the task of getting it ready for Friday . The place looks great and a few more things were put away . I expect that we 'll have a great day tomorrow and then go into a wonderful weekend - as long as it starts to cool down , at least some . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Funny thing happened yesterday , with out " Smart " devices . The guys came out to instruct us on all the particulars of the different things we will be dealing with and they even gave a couple of tutorials on Security , and how the in - home communications works . They also helped load up on some of the music we each like , and it was all well and good . Jason had them do a password change on the Wi - Fi , and shortly after that is when we ran into trouble . I hadn 't even given it a second thought that with the password changing that we would be knocked off the network and have to get back on . The getting back on was the tough part . . . Jason had fallen asleep , by the time we ( Linda and I ) wanted to go on line and read some email . I thought no big deal , I 'd just jump back on and enter the new password . Now , you have to appreciate that I haven 't had to deal with an operating system in about a decade , other than to simply have it running on my computer , and the occasional software down load . Now I needed to enter the network access code , and I couldn 't figure out how to get to the right place . Jason was out and I didn 't want to wake him , as I prefer that he get all the sleep he needs . Anyway , to make a short story long . . . That is basically why there was no blog last night . It came to me this morning , as I was playing with the system , and once I figured it out , it was like nothing ever had changed . I still need to see what we can do to increase our band width , so that Linda , Jason and I can all work on out systems , at the same time . Right now , if two are on , and ANYTHING else is going on that might affect the network , you can plan on the bandwidth to be back to completely taken . We understand that there is a possibility of another provider being close , so we 're going to be checking that out , and if it is true , then we 'll all be much happier . Speaking of being happier ( what a nice segue ) Jason went to Wound Care , at Balboa today and they put on a wound - vac , to help with the healing of his wound on the right side . When we started there was a measurement of the depth of one aspect of the wound , and we found out that it is now only half that size , and is looking better . Obviously , there is still much to be done , but knowing that it is much smaller than it was before is something to be happy about . The girls experienced their second day on the school bus today , and it was another " E - ticket " ride for the both of them ( For those that don 't know what an E - ticket ride is , go talk to your oldest friend and ask them ) . Linda and I picked them up , at their bus stop , close to the house , and except for it being VERY hot today ( another triple digit day ) , it would have been a perfect trip for them . As it was , it was close to being perfect in their eyes . Rob and Pauline came by tonight and visited for a short while , and we found out that they were getting ready to move themselves . We took advantage of this and offered them some empty boxes . They were happy to take them , and we were happy to have them taken . We were wondering what we were going to be doing with the cardboard ; and , now we know . Tomorrow is supposed to be another hot day , though it did look a little like rain tonight ( we sure could use some rain ) . My guess is that we 'll have another few days of hot weather and then it will start cooling off and work its way to the Fall weather conditions and maybe by the end of October it will actually feel a little like Fall . Thanks , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . A busy day , especially considering it is Labor Day , a day that is meant to wind down and maybe even get a little rest . We did get some winding down in , and relatively early on , in the day , I took the girls out kite flying , again . They both seem to enjoy it , and because we have a prevailing breeze coming through , it is kind of easy to do . The down side is that by the time we were out and flying it was getting to be a little later in the morning , and the sun was definitely up . It got to be well above 90 today , and just standing there in the sun light wore me down just a little . We had fun , though , so I think it was well worth the effort ( We also had plenty of sun block on ) . After getting the girls down for their naps , Linda and I laid down to get a little rest as well . We were back up after only about an hour of laying down and started putting things away , and emptying boxes once again . I managed to get through five boxes and Linda did several , though I have to admit , I don 't know how many . We have quite a pile of boxes on our back patio , and I 've begun breaking them down , so they can be bundled together . Initially , we were wondering what we were going to be doing with all the boxes , and then we got a call from a friend , Pauline Frank , who happens to be getting ready for a move , also . She and Rob , her husband , are moving soon and they need some boxes for their own packing . This is very fortunate , and I hope it helps them . On top of that , it was simply good to hear from them . Linda gave the girls a bath , right after dinner , and then I read them Paddington Bear , and they went to bed . Linda will take them to school tomorrow morning , and if all goes well , they will be riding the bus home . Linda still has to check on one piece of documentation , in the morning , and if it is all done , then they get to ride the bus home . They are both looking forward to it , and actually pretty excited . The way the bus route goes they will be dropped off pretty close to our driveway . One of the things we need to get worked on here , is the network connectivity . Because we are kind of remote the signal strength isn 't as strong as I would like it to be . The guys from eHome ( the network company that set up much of the " smart " in this smart home ) are coming out tomorrow to go over a few things , and network band - width is one of the items I will be pushing on . When Jason wants to stream a video , it effectively shuts down most of the other traffic . That means Linda and I have to wait to get email or most anything else we 're doing , done . Speaking of Jason , he is doing well and the wounds are continuing to heal up better . He is still limiting his time in the chair , and I am staying on top of the dressing changes , like they want me to . It should be just a matter of another week that he 'll be back to being able to get around more . I know a number of folks out there have been wondering about it , and we appreciate the extra prayers that are coming in . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . We had a nice visit from Linda 's parents , Joe and Jess , as they brought Linda 's brother Tom , and Tom 's wife Palmeira . They stayed for a couple of hours and got a nice tour of the house , and then we had Pizza for dinner . This was actually decided upon well before they came . Only Jess had spaghetti , as she isn 't a big pizza fan . There was some time visiting with Jason and playing with the girls , and then it was time for them to head on back home . It was getting late and they didn 't want to have to be driving in the dark , any more than they had to . Joe was doing most of the driving , and he has a fractured wrist , so doing too much with the hands is kind of uncomfortable , and I don 't think there are too many out there that enjoy driving at night anyway . Jason spent a good portion of the day , relaxing in bed and watching a number of shows , while also doing different things on his phone . He has gotten pretty good at doing both and it helps to keep him from going a little stir - crazy . His wounds are progressing , and we are hopeful that they will continue to do so . I exchanged emails with Dr . Malone ( if you remember , she is the surgeon who basically saved his life , once at Bethesda ) . I did my best to explain the situation with Jason and she expressed concern that more focus is needed for him . She is going to be helping get some of that focus for him and his wounds . It will start on Tuesday , next week , and build from there . The rest of the day was focused on unpacking boxes and putting things away . It was a productive kind of day and now Linda and I are going to be able to go relax and do something we haven 't done much lately - watch T . V . We might even enjoy a glass of wine and just enjoy each other 's company . My guess is that it is going to be a fun evening . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today the girls had a special visitor , and her name was Joselynn . It isn 't the same Joselynn that comes to the house frequently , it is the daughter of one of the tile guys , who worked on Jason 's bathroom , Joe . He came to the house this afternoon , to finish a project , and he asked if he could bring his daughter along , and both Stacy and Jackie were thrilled to have another little playmate . When we moved in , Linda had set up a play area , just for the girls , so having one more person to join in worked out just fine . Joselynn is older than Stacy , by about two years , and it was very cute to see Stacy get very nervous , prior to Joselynn 's arrival . Stacy was concerned that they wouldn 't play well together , and as soon as Joselynn arrived , all the fears and concerns went out the door . They are about the same size , so that helps , and Stacy is mature for her age , and that helped as well . Over all , it was a very good visit , and they even were able to go out and fly kites together . Jackie needed a little help with that , but that 's what grandpas are for . Linda fixed French Toast for breakfast , with bacon , and it was wonderful . Both girls demonstrated that they have good appetites , and ate everything on their plates . After breakfast Linda took off to run some errands and do a little shopping and I started to unpack some boxes . I managed to get a few of them emptied , and even helped a little with the final touches on Jason 's bathroom . Jason did take a shower today , before Joe arrived ( with his daughter ) , and when I did the dressing change I was happy to see improvement . There is still going to be several more days before he is past this issue , though it is good to see improvement . What I need to do , is find out who I need to connect with to get even more traction for a better seating arrangement for Jason . I have been communicating with some people , but I would really feel better if I knew there were more , inside the VA , or within the Naval Hospital system focused on this . Seems like each time we talk with them , we get great lip service and then nothing more happens . Also , tomorrow , Linda 's parents , Joe and Jess are going to be coming for a visit , and they are bringing Linda 's brother Tom and his wife along . They haven 't see the house yet , and I haven 't seen either of them in quite a long time , so it should be a pretty good visit . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . We 're going to be working towards getting settled in this new house , for the next several days , and even perhaps weeks . We have been emptying boxes , and I now have a small pile of broken down boxes on the patio . What I am going to need to figure out is how we 're going to be getting rid of those boxes , once we 're done emptying and breaking down . But , that isn 't something I need to worry about right now . Jason is doing better , though he is getting tired of just laying in bed . He only gets up to do very short activities , and then goes back to lay down . He is very aware of the need for him to stay down , and I 'm glad he is that way . I would be uncomfortable trying to tell him to stay down , rather I 'd like to just encourage him to stay down . As my grandmother used to say - " You get more done with honey than vinegar . " The modifications to Jason 's shower are nearly completed , and should be done tomorrow . They are meant to allow him to have a more comfortable time transferring to and from the shower . The work involved in getting that done was pretty amazing , and it makes me appreciate even more the need to really take a look at things , before you start to work on them , to make sure you know what you 're doing and you really know what you 're getting . Tomorrow I will be helping with the boxes and putting stuff away , and I have been breaking down boxes in the backyard , and will have more boxes tomorrow . The really big thing for tomorrow , though , will be helping the girls with flying kites . They each have a kite and because of the prevailing winds , around here , it should be relatively easy to get the kites to fly . At least that 's what I keep telling myself . It will be fun and a nice break from unpacking . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Posted by Linda and set a target of getting five boxes emptied and put away , each day . So far , I think we 're on an average of closer to two . I 'm of the opinion that if God had wanted us to get 5 boxes a day emptied he would have given me a lot more energy and time , to do it . Today , when I wasn 't working or doing something else , I was working with contractors getting some work done around the house . I 'm happy to say that Jason 's shower looks like it will be completed tomorrow , and he 'll be able to jump into the shower again . He will have been without a shower for almost three days , and that is quite long enough for all of us . The other area being worked on is the network , wi - fi , and assorted digital items that are being used at this house . The network is functioning much better now and they installed a Blue - Ray player on Linda 's and my side of the house . The technicians wanted to take some time to go over the operations of all of what they have done , but there wasn 't time , so we will be going over it , tomorrow , and Jason will be a part of that conversation . The reason there was time today was because tonight was back - to - school night , and we took the girls to their school , where we got a chance to meet up with the teachers . They also served a taco dinner , for $ 5 . 00 each , so it didn 't cost too much , and there was plenty of food . It was a good opportunity to meet the teachers and to hear what they had to say about their teaching styles . So far , the girls really like their teachers , and their new school . It is rated as one of the better schools , so we 're very happy about that , as well . It feels like it has been a productive day , and along the way I must have done something , because I am feeling pretty tired right now . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . You know , I feel like now that we have rolled into September , the year is just about over . . . and it is . We only have four more months to go , and one of those months , September , is getting shorter . I look forward to the holidays , here at the new Ross homestead . Because we have the extra room , we can have more people over and more importantly , we can have more family over . It was a productive day , in that the folks who were involved with the building of the house , had some workers come over today , to work on Jason 's shower . Because of the way it was designed , he has some difficulties in transferring from his chair to the shower . The solution is a simple one , and one that we should have caught earlier . It is a matter of notching out a section , near the bottom , so that the wheels of his chair have a place to go and thus the transfer will be easier . The opportunity to do it right the first time was there and none of us saw it , not even Jason , who was very involved in the design of the shower . Fortunately , like I said , the fix is rather simple - just that it will take a couple of days to complete . I guess I should provide a little more update on Jason 's wounds , now that we 've had a couple days to digest the information , and I 've done a dressing change on my own . I have been instructed on how to pack his wounds , and they gave us some new materials to work with , with the primary one being Silvercel . Their biggest concern is that the healing might start to tunnel , and so they have shown me how to work on it , and hopefully prevent it . He will be going back in on a weekly basis , again , until such time as the healing is well on its way to completion . The one big issue , that Jason doesn 't like , is that he has to spend more time in bed , than he has had to , over the past few months . Linda and I have been trying to figure out how we can get things put away more quickly , and it seems that our best solution is to simply take one step at a time . I know that may sound kind of silly , but if you don 't go with the simple solution the level of work can become overwhelming and frustration can get the better of you . We did take some time out to go to Costco , and see what the local ( well , not really local , but it is the closest Costco ) store looks like . It is laid out differently from the stores we 're familiar with , but it is still pretty familiar anyway . I am hoping that tomorrow I will be able to get my other computer back on the network , so that I can share some pictures . Right now , they are all on the system that doesn 't seem to want to " talk " to the network , and thus the pictures remained locked . We do have some nice ones , and I will get them posted , just as soon as I can . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . First of all , Jason and I went to the hospital at Balboa and the primary reason was to get him in to see the folks at Wound Care and to see the doctor there . We were successful in both areas . They took a look at his right side and also expressed concern , because of how the tissue was healing up . What had happened was that a " tunnel " was forming and those can be problematic , if not taken care of . They showed me what I needed to do , and I think , over the next several weeks , I can get him back on track , like we want . We also discussed his chair , and some of the challenges he was having with it , and now that is being address , as well . If we can get both of those corrected , I believe it will be a much better Fall and Winter for all of us . Otherwise , Linda spent a great deal of time unpacking boxes and putting things away . The challenge with this is that there is extra work with unpacking , as any dishes that come out , automatically have to be washed , before they can be put away . Therefore , Linda not only is unpacking boxes , she is also doing a great deal of washing . I am helping as well , but I would guess that the division is around 75 / 25 . We will get through this and in the end , this is going to be a better environment for all of us . The girls were treated to another story , from Daddy , and afterward Linda had them in bed . Earlier in the evening , Linda had given them a bath , and that always seems to make for a more comfortable sleep . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive .

I was up a little after 05 : 00 this morning and by 05 : 30 I was on line and working . I made sure to wake Linda at 06 : 00 , or very close to that time , so she could get the girls up and moving . I needed to work on a couple of things , so I wasn 't of much assistance to her , though I did wake up the girls . The girls were particularly excited today , because they were going to get to see their mother , after school . This is good because we 've had them for just over four weeks now , and kids need their mothers . Linda got the girls over to the school and then took on the tasks of working on the house and helping Jason get ready for his appointment . Me , I was pounding on the keyboard and doing my best to get some information together and ready for presentation . Jason had his appointment with Wound Care , at Balboa hospital , and I 'm glad because I needed him to pick up some specific supplies . Because Jason is using a wound - vac he needs some different items that we normally don 't have , and before he went to the appointment we were completely out . Needless to say I was a little anxious to see the resupply , and then I could relax a little . The report back from the folks at Wound Care was positive , in that the wound is looking better and the left side is now closed . I just hope it remains closed this time . I could tell Jason was happy to hear that the left side was closed , as he was thinking that they might never close . Shortly after Jason got home we received a call from the school , that the girls had not been picked up by their mother . This put us in to a bit of a blitz mode . We needed to finish up what we were doing and get out of the house in a matter of a couple of minutes , so we could go get the girls . Jason was quickly texting her to find out what happened , and found out that it was a matter of her making a couple of poor choices , but she was now on the way . Even so , Linda and I were on our way to pick up the girls , and to say the least , they were not happy to see us . They were expecting their mom and she was a no show . As we pulled into the driveway Jason sent Linda a text and told us that the mother was on her way . This was very good news for the girls , and actually for us as well . They got to see each other , and they will be together for a couple of days . I was able to get back to work and finish up a few things , and then we all had dinner . I fixed some spaghetti and the three of us enjoyed a nice relaxed meal . While all this was going on , Carolyn , our new health aid worker , was taking care of Jason , and some of the tasks around the house , and as we sat down , she was headed out the door , and her shift was over . I think she is going to work out well , as her personality fits well with Jason 's , and she has a son who is about Jason 's age . He is also in the Army , so they have an area they can talk about - the military . The evening ended with Linda and I heading down to Babys R Us , to do a car seat exchange . They were running a special on " booster " seat , that they would provide a sizable discount if you brought in an old car seat . The girls no longer need the car seats , as they 've out grown them , and so now we have two new boosters that they like better , and we like them better because they 're a little easier to work with . After that we just came home and now I 'm finishing the blog . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Posted by Some times , things happen the same way , each day , that it makes it difficult to start the post on this blog . And , today was just another one of those days , except that we got up at 06 : 00 ( I actually got up at 05 : 50 ) and started our day . Linda went to bed feeling like she had been drug through a ringer , with aches all over , and in the morning she still felt pretty much the same way . Fortunately , whatever it was giving her all the problems seems to have been beaten by her system and she is feeling more like her regular self again . I was concerned that she had caught a flue bug or something and I am VERY glad to see that she is better . She still managed to get things going and had the girls off to school on time . I helped a little , but then I had to get to work , as we 're working on a bit of a deadline . I think I was able to get a considerable step closer to meeting that deadline , so I feel pretty good about it . I knew going into the job and working again , it was going to be a challenge for us , and now it is really making it clear just how much of a challenge . I still very much want to go to Jason 's appointments , so I can talk with the medical folks , though now it is almost impossible to do so . I 'm glad that Linda has stepped up and is doing it , so that we still have an extra set of eyes and ears there . Speaking of extra eyes and ears - I heard from the folks at Cal Poly and they are very excited to be moving forward with the project . I need to reach out to them tomorrow or Thursday , just to be sure they have no questions , or are short on any information . If they can come up with a solution for Jason we are going to be so happy . She has also taken on the task of interviewing potential new health aids , for Jason . Today was Joselynn 's last day , so we need to get someone ( or multiple someones ) in to help out . Joselynn has been a very good support for us , and she will be a tough act to follow , for whom ever we bring in . We 've spoken with four candidates so far , and we still have a couple more to talk to . The problem is that when we lived in Pt . Loma it was about a 25 minute drive for Joselynn . Now that we 're up in Fallbrook , it is about an hour , and that is just a little more than she can deal with on a regular basis . The good thing is that we 'll still see her every now and then , and that , in itself , will be good . Our relationship is more like a family than employer , as we 've gotten to know Robert , her husband and all three of her sons , very well . Jason is continuing to heal back from that tissue breakdown , and I look forward to hearing what they have to say at Wound Care . The wound - vac is off right now , not because it has done its job , but because I needed to change it out and there was one key component , and I didn 't have it . I can still pack the wound and that helps , its just the wound - vac is so much better . Tonight , Linda bathed the girls while I did Jason 's dressing change , and afterward she normally brushes out their hair . Today she only did Jackie 's hair , and ( drum roll please ) Stacy brushed out her own hair . This is the first time for her brushing out her own very long hair and doing it completely . Linda has been teaching her how to brush her hair the past several weeks . Stacy was so very proud of herself and , between you and me , I think Linda was pretty proud of Stacy , too . Once everyone was done with showers and baths Jason went in to say good night to them , and that made me feel good . I always like it when he goes in to them and says good night . It is one of those small steps that makes him feel a little more like a normal dad . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today was a little different , for one of our Sundays , in that Linda was headed off to a Blue Star Mothers luncheon , honoring Gold Star Mothers . For those that don 't know - Gold Star Mothers are those that have had a child in the military and also lost a child due to a combat related incident . One of the things we learned today ( both Lind and I ) is that the last Sunday in September has been designated Gold Star Mothers Day , by Congress , and was done in 1936 . The idea of the Gold Star was begun by President Woodrow Wilson , back in 1918 , to give them recognition beyond the Blue Star , that was already known . Anyway , Linda was gone for most of the day , with fellow Blue Star Mothers - Loretta , Tina and Lynn , from her chapter . It sounded like she had a good time meeting all these new people , and spending time with friends . While Linda was off doing this I was home with the girls and Jason . The girls wanted to go to a new park , Live Oak Park , that isn 't too far from where we live now . Before leaving , Linda asked me to just relax and try not to do too much , around the house . I did my best to oblige and aside from some dishes and laundry , I didn 't do too much . I also put in Jason 's pet door , so the dogs can , theoretically , get in and out of the house , on their own ; we just need to get them used to using it . I did get to watch a little 49er football , and it was very disappointing . It was like a good college team going up against a professional football team , and the 49ers were not the professionals . I think the next couple of years are going to be dedicated to rebuilding because they have gone through such an upheaval . Tonight there was a lunar eclipse , and shortly after dinner , and getting the girls to bed , Linda and I were able to sit out on the patio and just relax and enjoy it . I went in and asked Jason if he 'd like to come out and see it and he said , " no . " A short time later he was out on the patio and took a look , with us . He didn 't stay too long , and that is probably a good thing . We still want to have him stay down as much as possible . His wounds are healing up , and a big factor with that is the fact that he has been able to stay down . Also , while I was at the park with the girls , Jason had a visitor . Tim Kirk , the realtor who helped us find the property for Jason 's house , came by and visited for about an hour . He was here when we got back from the park , and then stayed a little longer . It was good to see him visit with Jason , as I know Jason would really enjoy having more visitors right now . One last thing I did today was to install Jason 's pet door . It fits into the sliding class door , and is a bit more complicated than I thought it would be , Then again it does seem to work pretty well . So far Gracie is comfortable with it and Kojak is very caution about how it works . We 'll see how things go , over the next several days . Thank you for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Posted by We had a pretty good day today - especially considering all that we had on the task sheet . First we got up and made French Toast . I say , " We " because Linda basically put everything together and I did the cooking . A very nice , and unexpected aspect was that we had bought some of the " Texas Toast " to make the French toast , because it is so much thicker ; and , when I was done cooking we were out of the bread and everyone had eaten all they wanted . I love it when there are very little left overs , and everybody is happy with a full tummy . The next thing on the agenda was to take the girls to The Picture People , to take some up - to - date portraits of the girls . We had to drive over to Escondido , about 20 miles away and we really didn 't have enough time to get there , for our appointment . We were supposed to be there at 11 : 15 and I think we got there about noon , or just a little before . The young woman working there , who greeted us , said it wouldn 't be a problem and they would squeeze us in , and it shouldn 't take too long . That probably would have been fine , if we hadn 't had more to do , We ended up leaving right after Linda had set up another appointment . One of the interesting things that kind of bothered Linda and me , Was the fact that there seemed to be no record of Linda making the initial appointment , in the first place . As far as they were concerned , we weren 't late at all , just a family wanting to get a picture taken . Linda was bothered , and I do recall her talking on the phone , making the appointment , so I don 't understand why they had no record of it . Well , we were headed back to the house , because Joselynn was coming over soon , and it would have been nice for us to be there . She arrived a few minutes before we did , and the reason she was there was because she wanted to help us put away as much of the garage as we could . The garage was full of things from the move , and that included two households . A little while , after we were working on getting things put away , Loretta also came over , with the idea that she would be able to help , too . With the girls now taking a nap , that kind of gave us a free hand in focusing on the garage . We continued working on it , until late in the evening , and it felt pretty good when we were done , for the day . We managed to get about 2 / 3 of one side of the garage put away , and there is now at least some room to move around in , and even Jason should be able to get around in his chair . It was nice to have Joselynn and Loretta over to help , as they both work well with Linda and the two of them made short work of the tasks at hand . Loretta is spending the night , and she and Linda are going to be heading out together , in the morning for a Blue Star Mother event . I will be taking the girls to church , and Jason will be at the house with the dogs . Of course Jason needs to stay down now , so he won 't be going anywhere . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today was pretty much like what a Friday is supposed to be . The anticipation of the weekend coming and everyone is in a good mood ( almost everyone - I 'm sure there are some grumpy types out there ) . We ( Linda and I ) were able to get up before 06 : 00 and there was no rush to get going . I enjoy laid back days , with some minor targets to go for , but basically a relaxed day that we can take care of things , as we can get to them . . . Okay , enough of the day dreaming . . . We did get up this morning and it was prior to 06 : 00 , and the first thing I did was to push the on button on the computer and then go wash my face and brush my teeth . There was to be a big meeting this morning , and the team was getting together to make sure we had everything ready . There were no urgent emails for me to address , so I was able to help Linda a little in getting the girls up and going , and making sure Jason had some breakfast . Because we did get up early , there really wasn 't much of a rush to do things , though on the other hand , we did need to keep focused on getting the girls up and ready for school While Linda took the girls to school I managed to finish getting breakfast for Jason and myself , and then start working . As most of you know , I am working on a project for the VA , through the company , LongView . Because the company does just about all of its business with the government , the pending " shut down " is of concern and the management team sent out a notice to all employees . It was to let us know what to expect , if there is a shut down . Basically what it means is that I 'll end up with a number of days off , and also no pay . That would be kind of a bummer , but my gut feel is that the folks in Washington will be able to get things together and the shut down will be avoided . Jason , Linda and I interviewed some potential health aid workers , that would be coming in to help with taking care of Jason 's needs . We have another candidate still to talk to , and then we 'll make a decision . Both of the women we spoke with today seemed like strong candidate , so the choice may be difficult , though I think that is a good challenge to have . Once they come on board it will be a major relief of some of the load that Linda has been carrying , and maybe even some of my load . Besides , I think Jason kind of liked doing the interview . He seemed very animated and engaged . Tonight Linda and I were able to have a date - night . We had a friend come over to stay with the girls and Jason . Lori was very happy to do so , and she has known Jason for a few years now . Linda thought it would be a good idea to go see a movie , and so we went in that direction . When we were close to the theater there was plenty of time to get something to eat , so we did that instead . Once we were sitting down I said that I 'd be happy just sitting there and talking - we didn 't need to go to a movie . Linda kinda liked that idea , so that 's what we ended up doing . We decided to go back home and pop some popcorn and watch one of our own movies ( not sure what we 're going to watch , and honestly , whatever she chooses is fine with me ) . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today was a nice relaxed day for Jason and a pretty much normal day for Linda and the girls . However for me it was a particularly busy day , in that I didn 't get done with work until about 21 : 00 tonight . There is a pretty big presentation coming up and we wanted to be sure it was done correctly . The challenge was that there wasn 't a great deal of time to get it done . Therefore , we , my team , had to put in a number of later hours to get it all together . The positive is that it looks pretty good . Linda and Jason had another visit from Lori , from the dog training that Jason goes to , and she stayed for a few hours . It was particularly nice because she stopped and picked up some sandwiches for us , and the one I had was very good . Actually , Linda and I had been to the same deli that she went to , to get the sandwiches , and we were happy to have found the place . The girls had a good day in school and Jason had a relaxed day at home . Not much else went on , and it was nice to have a relaxed day for a change . I 'm ready to call it a day and get some rest . Thank you for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today is Stacy 's Birthday ! She is now seven years old and loving life to the fullest ! We got up today and both girls were ready to get going bright and early , and there was no problem in trying to get them up . The plan was for them to be up and go to school , and then after school their mother was to pick them up from school , to celebrate Stacy 's birthday then bring them back to Jason at about 20 : 00 ( 8pm ) . The girls have been with us for more than 3 weeks now , and this seemed like a good chance for them to get together , at least for a little while . The only problem is , that isn 't quite how it happened . The girls got to school on time , and in their class rooms , and then their mother showed up and pulled them out of school . She decided that they would spend the morning and early afternoon together , and go to Chuck E Cheese to celebrate . After the " party " was over , they were brought back to Daddy 's house and dropped off , at about 16 : 00 ( 4pm ) . The only thing missing from this was that there was no communication , to let us know that was what was going to happen . I had a doctor appointment to get my hand looked at ( a problem with Trigger Finger ) , and Linda went with me . . . we left at about 14 : 30 ( 2 : 30pm ) about an hour and a half before they arrived . Jason was comfortable with us going , as he was only going to be alone for a couple of hours , and if anything came up we had friends who would come right over . As it turned out , we needed the help of those friends . Jason found out about the girls coming over about an hour or so , after we had left . Linda would not have gone with me , if we had known the girls were coming . As soon as Jason called Linda , to let her know what was happening , she jumped on the phone and called one of our new neighbors - Kelli . Kelli and her husband Bruce , came over immediately . Linda then called Loretta and she was able to come over a short time later . Loretta provided the coverage needed and even prepared dinner for Jason and the girls . Linda and I made it back to the house a little before 19 : 00 ( 7pm ) , with a big part of that due to traffic delays . On top of all of this excitement , Linda and Jason went to Wound Care today and Jason took care of his wounds , late this morning . The good news is that the right side is looking better and they gave him a few extra supplies , when he came home . The other news is that he is still using a Wound Vac , and it looks like he will be needing to keep it on for another couple of weeks . This is unfortunate , as we were all hoping to go for a weekend in October , just to get a change . Now it looks like travel is going to remain limited to short / quick trips to the store , or trips for medical reasons . We continue to deal with challenges , yet the overall attitude in the house is positive . Jason is doing well and we know that he will continue to mend . We just need to keep things in a positive light and God will help us get through this . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today started on the earlier side , as we woke up at about 05 : 00 , and then we just stayed in bed for another hour before actually getting up . It was a nice easy relaxed beginning to the day , and then after being up for about a half an hour it got busy . The girls were in their typical playful mood , which can be a bit of a hindrance when trying to get them going in the right direction . All they want to do is have fun and play , so we get to be the bad guy and make them focus more on what they should be doing . Fortunately we don 't have to push too hard , though in fact , Linda is the one who usually has to do most of the redirecting . The girls were off to school and I was off to work . Jason was resting in his room and Linda was out taking care of most everything else . One thing , though , that happened today , Jason received a Roomba , vacuum system and that is going to help with some of the cleaning of the floor . This house has more hardwood floor than just about any other house I 've seen . We don 't have carpet anywhere . One thing that did happen today , that was particularly nice , was that the Federal Recovery Coordinator called me today and we discussed the need to get things moving for Jason 's seating system . She asked me to get her in touch with the team out of Cal Poly and to see what synergy the two groups could have together . She just needs me to make the connection , so I 'll be moving on that tomorrow . I 'd like to see a new system come up , to help Jason , as what he has currently just doesn 't cut it . Today is also Taco Tuesday , and staying with tradition , we fixed tacos . The girls were excited , as always , to have tacos and today we changed it up a little with Jason and I having burritos as well as a taco . Shortly after dinner , and after play time ( all homework was already done ) , it was time for bed . I read them a story about Africa ( Tanzania ) and they enjoyed it . Tomorrow is Stacy 's actual birthday , and she is very excited about it . Linda has a few surprises waiting for her , so it will be a good day . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . We got up a little on the late side , this morning , as it was about 06 : 20 when we rolled out of bed . I was okay , since I didn 't need to get on the phone until 07 : 00 , though Linda needed to get the girls going , and fed so she could get them to school . I spent the first part of the morning helping Linda and getting the girls up and moving . As it turned out , we were able to still have them up and ready , and then out the door , with time to spare . Jason had a couple of visitors , as well as a technician dropped by to take a look at one of his chairs . The chair needs a new battery , and the tech said they would be shipped here . The other visitors , were Sherry and Chris ( I probably spelled their names wrong ) , to women who are connected to the group who has been helping Jason with the training of Gracie , and we hope will be helping with training of Kojak . It was as much a social visit as a professional one . I think it was good for Jason to have a chance to speak with somebody outside of the group he has been dealing with for the past couple of weeks . The girls had a good day at school and I think the high point of the day is the bus ride home . It is really kind of cute how they both look forward to being on the bus . Jackie was very happy to tell us that she had a green day ( that 's a good day in their class room language ) . Both girls are very happy to be at their school , and that is a very good thing indeed . This evening was kind of laid back , and a little slower than the last few we 've had . A big part of that is the weather . It wasn 't near as hot today as it was yesterday , and in fact it rained this evening . It didn 't rain much , but enough to get the windows wet . We had dinner and then the girls were in the bath , where Linda washed them , while I went to the store to pick up some milk . I also had to get some gas and the gas station I would have normally gone to was closed , due to construction . I needed fuel so I drove farther in to Fallbrook and that meant I was out a little longer than planned . When I got home the girls were listening to Linda read them a story . I was able to help them get into bed and then Linda and I did a little clean up and the blog . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . What a wonderful day , today has been . We woke up late , it was nearly 07 : 30 , and we decided that today we were going to just stay home and not go anywhere . We needed a break and today was going to be that break . Yesterday was Stacy 's party , and it was lots of fun , as well as doing a very good job of wearing out the girls ( and us ) . They were both still asleep and so we decided to take advantage of the quiet and just relaxed in bed for a little while . We did manage to get up , a little after 08 : 00 and we went in and checked on Jason . That 's where we found out the girls got up a little while after we had gotten back in bed , and they were in the room with Jason . They were watching cartoons and having a very good time . I decided to start breakfast and Linda started laundry ( I think mine was more fun ) . By the time she was ready to sit down , breakfast was done . I scrambled some chorizo with egg and potatoes for Jason and I ; I also made some French Toast for Stacy ; and , Linda and Jackie were happy with some Wheat Chex cereal . The kitchen was probably a little messier than it would normally be for breakfast , but that was okay , it all tasted very good . Linda wanted to get started on putting some things away , because we were going to be seeing the Pickettes , a little later in the afternoon ( early evening ) . They were bringing Candy and Pumpkin back to us ! Anne and Glenn have been caring for the cats , for over a year now , through the program , Dogs on Deployment ( DoD ) . DoD is a non - profit ( 501c3 ) that helps military families locate " foster " homes for their pets , and we were grateful that the service was available to us . It has been rough on the cats , with all the moves , and now that they were really getting comfortable with the Pickettes , we moved them again - but at least this time they are back with us . Anne and Glenn have been wonderful with them , and they have been treated very well . We could not have asked for a better place for them to spend that year and a half . Glenn and Anne brought the cats this evening , and then stayed for dinner . Both Stacy and Jackie were more excited about the cats coming than we were . When we went over to Anne and Glenn 's place , to visit with them and the cats , we would sometimes take Stacy and Jackie with us . This allowed them to become more familiar with them , and I hope it allows the cats to become a little more acclimated to this " new " home , a little easier . Anyway , dinner was nice and relaxed , and they got to spend some time with Jason , discussing all kinds of things , just the way Jason likes it . He has an amazingly broad range of knowledge and enjoys talking about all sorts of different things . One of the exciting things that Glenn showed us was a new app that is available for my phone . It 's called the ISS Tracker ( that 's International Space Station ) . It allows you to see it , if it should pass overhead , and there was an iridium flair while we all stood outside . The app helps to let you know when they are going to happen . It was also nice just being able to go outside . Today it got up to about 105 degrees and there was a power outage . From what I understand there were many many people without power , and it lasted for a few hours . Fortunately , we have a generator and it worked just like it was supposed to . In fact , it was so smooth , I wasn 't even aware of an outage until Jason told me about it . Everything is back to normal again , and the house has continued to be cool . I 'm not sure about tomorrow , as it is supposed to be another hot day , and yet it is also possible that it is going to rain . I used to think that weather in the SF Bay Area was a little strange , and now sometimes it gets very strange around here . Whatever happens , I 'm going to enjoy it . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Crazy - busy day for us , today , as we got up early so that we could make the final touches on Stacy 's birthday party . There was cleaning to do and still preparations to be completed . The amazing thing was that we managed to get it all done , and before the first guests arrived . With Jason 's new place here , parking is not an issue . The land , down by the road , is perfect as a parking area , and it is easy to get to . I had made up a sign and put it on a sawhorse , so when folks arrived they 'd know where to go . We ended up with about seven vehicles parked in that area and no one was blocked in , in any way . The girls were very excited as some of Stacy 's friends from her new school and some from the previous school , were able to make it . Unfortunately not everyone was able to come though , and that did leave Stacy a little disappointed . It seemed to me like there were close to 20 or 30 kids here , but I know it was closer to 12 . Jason had ordered a Jumpy House for the kids to play in and they all took advantage of the opportunity . I just wish there had been Jumpy Houses when I was growing up , they look like they 're lots of fun . Joselynn came with other members of her family , and she was a big help in getting things done . She works really well with Linda , and we were very happy she made it . She also brought us some pinto beans , that needed to finish cooking , so we can have them for our " Taco Tuesdays . " After everyone left , Linda and I packaged up the beans into smaller amounts , to be used with meals later . Another friend of Linda 's came , Loretta , and she stayed after most of the rest of the people left , and helped Linda with working in the garage . They were focused on emptying boxes and getting things put away . The two of them managed to get through about 10 large boxes , and it was noticeable , the amount of progress they made . I was kept busy running around going back and forth , putting things away and doing a little more clean up on the out side of the house , while they both worked in the garage . About the only down thing , with Stacy 's party was that Jason was not comfortable getting out of the bed , to see her open gifts . Stacy went to open a couple of them in Jason 's room , and thus he was included . Jason wasn 't feeling well because of nerve pain that was suddenly giving him some extra challenges . Fortunately it wasn 't something that was a constant problem , but it did happen enough that Jason did not want to get out of bed , and felt that staying down was the best thing for him to do , and to help with the healing . After the party and after Loretta and Linda finished working on the garage , we went to an event to help support breast cancer awareness . We had originally planned on being there much earlier but due to other things Linda and I didn 't get there until about half way through the event . We were both tired , so we didn 't stay too long , though we did get a chance to speak with Tim and Kristie Kirk , and it was good to just sit down and talk with them . We headed back to the house after only being there about an hour , and that was long enough to visit and relax a little . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Some of you might be wondering what happened to the blog last night . Well , Linda and I actually got a " Date Night " in , and we went to a movie and dinner . The dinner was at a local Mexican restaurant and the food was pretty good , though I think some of the spiciness that was in Linda 's made her tummy a little upset . Then we went on to a movie and saw , " No Escape . " It was a very intense movie , and Owen Willson and Lake Bell did an amazing job , I was very pleased . We didn 't go to the movie for the stars in the movie or for the content of the movie . We went because of the time it was shown , and it fit our open window of opportunity . As it turned out it was very intense for just about the entire movie , and as a result , that level of intensity , along with the spicy food , Linda 's tummy was really going . to plan for Stacy 's birthday party ( she 'll be seven ) . Jason was in bed for most of the day and remained as positive as he always is . We did have a visit from the HOA , and they brought a welcoming gift for Jason . It is a flag that reflects that Jason was a part of the EOD team , and Jason really appreciated it . Otherwise there wasn 't much to blog about . Today was another day of great weather down here . We 've had so many very hot ( triple digit temps ) , and then got hit by some serious rain for a couple of days ; it was nice to see a warm bright day with clear skies . Tomorrow is supposed to be another nice day , and that is particularly good , as Stacy is celebrating a seventh birthday , and we are having a party . That means we expect to see a bunch of her friends from school as well as from Pt . Loma area . We 'll see who makes it tomorrow . That 's about it for now . As you can tell , I 'm doing this kind of late , again , and I 'm getting tired . I really need to get more into a pattern of getting the blog done earlier . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Another wonderful , though busy , day here in Fallbrook . Linda and I got up before 06 : 00 , and it was a good thing , because I had a conference call going right at 06 : 00 . The benefit was that it provided a little extra time for Linda to get the girls up , and fed breakfast . My call lasted for about an hour and a short time after getting off the phone I was assisting Linda , helping to get the girls to their school . We also decided to go out to breakfast , since we both had a little " free " time , at that point . We made sure Jason was okay and we weren 't gone for more than an hour . Jason had a few appointments today , and Linda went with him to the various appointments , all of them being at Balboa . Jason ran into a few friends there and was able to do a little catching up , and so it was a very positive excursion for both of them . While they were gone I had work to do and then , a little while after the girls were out of school , I picked them up . They ride the bus over to a bus stop that is close to the house , so it works out really well for all of us . Linda and Jason got home about 90 minutes after the girls so it was just the three of us , for a little while . I gave them a little snack and then they went off to play , while I cleaned up the kitchen . I was off work now , so it wasn 't too difficult to be with the girls . Linda and Jason arrived and the girls were ready for them . A little while after that I started dinner , and Linda ran over to Target or Walmart , or maybe both , to pick up a few things . By the time she was home dinner was ready , or at least almost ready . After a few minutes we were all sitting down to eat and then it was about the end of the day - all except for a little play time , getting ready for bed , and , playing with Daddy . I 'm not sure who has more fun , the girls or Jason - I just know it makes Linda and I happy . One of the other things that happened today was that the fenced dog area was almost finished . They came in early and even though the ground was still a bit wet from yesterday 's rain , they got started . They nearly got all the fencing done and one of the gates attached , so they should be able to finish it all up tomorrow . The work done today was enough that I felt comfortable letting Kojak run free , and boy did he run . It is the happiest I 've seen him , with his tail all curled up and held up like a husky . I let them ( Gracie was trotting around also ) play for a little while , then we had to come in . The day has come to a close and I 'm actually getting a chance to work on the blog a little earlier than I typically do . The girls will be going to bed in a short while and then I 'll be helping Jason with a shower . It is a little later than he usually showers , but it is the best time for today . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Another exciting day at the Ross household . We got up early , as I needed to be on a conference call at 05 : 30 , and I got Linda up at 06 : 00 . Actually , I broke away from the call , just so I could wake her up , as I was taking the call in another room . She got up and then we noticed something different about today - IT WAS RAINING ! The girls got up and it was instant excitement . Linda still managed to calm them down enough to get them ready and off to school . She wanted to get out a little earlier than normal , as rain usually means traffic is going to be much rougher than normal , but then reality was that she got out a few minutes later than normal . As it turned out , the girls got to class on time and Linda got back to the house in a reasonable amount of time . While all this was going on the workers , who started working on the fence , yesterday , came back and took up where they left off . They did manage to get a few of the sections done , when they finally called it a day . It was raining pretty good by the time they left , and I understand that in the few hours that it did rain , we got about 1 / 2 " , and now it looks like it might rain again tomorrow , or at least tonight . Jason is doing well , and he will be going in to Wound Care tomorrow . I 'm sure they are going to be pleased with his progress , as healing is working well right now . He has really restricted his moving around , for these past several weeks , and it will be good to see things start to get back to a better state . On another note , an appointment came along for me to have my hand looked at . Of course that appointment won 't be until next week , but at least an appointment exists . Being that it is Tuesday , Linda fixed Tacos for the girls . We had gone to Costco , over in Temecula , and found where it was . We actually like it better than the one over in Vista , and it seems to be a little easier to get to . It was Costco , so we ended up spending more money than we probably should have , though everything we purchased was needed . Dinner was over and the girls got to go spend some time with Daddy , and also talk with their mother , since they 've been with us for two weeks now . As it turns out , they are going to be spending another two weeks with us , as she has asked us to keep them again , until she finally gets settled in her new house . The girls were okay with it , and a little later were playing and having a great time in their rooms . Not much else to go over tonight . The fence guys will probably be back tomorrow , as long as it doesn 't rain . Otherwise I would guess they will be back in a couple of days , after it dries up a bit . It is supposed to rain some tonight or tomorrow , and then dry up over the next several days . During the dry weather they should be able to finish the fence , and then the dogs will have their play area . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . I was woken up at about 02 : 00 this morning , because Kojak wasn 't feeling well , and had pooped on the floor , in Jason 's room . Needless to say , I wasn 't happy about having to do this , but I was the one who was awake , and I 'd rather Linda stay in bed - as she will have to be getting the girls up and to school later in the morning . After getting it all cleaned up I told Jason that he needed to make a pet doctor appointment for Kojak , so we can find out why he has been having these stomach issues . I went back to bed and finally got back to sleep , and then had to get up around 06 : 15 , because Kojak had again , messed in the room . Linda was up this time and between us we were able to get the girls up and moving , the dog mess cleaned up and a short walk out in the backyard , and then a quick breakfast and I had to get to work . Fortunately , I don 't have to travel far , and work right out of the bedroom ( my " Office " ) . Linda finished getting the girls ready and their lunches packed , and then took them to school . After Linda came back home she came in and told me that she would be taking the dogs down to the vet , and helping Jason to get them there . I wasn 't too happy about Jason having to take the dogs down , but they are his dogs and he wanted to do it . On top of that his wounds are in better shape than they have been in several weeks , so I couldn 't complain too much . As it was , they were gone for a couple of hours , and the doc was not able to say what was going on , just that tests were being sent out and lab work would be back later . He provided some antibiotics and some special food for Kojak , and now we just wait . Fortunately , what ever it was that he gave to Jason , sure seems to be working . Kojak seems to have settled his stomach down considerable , and Kojak likes the food . We fixed breakfast for dinner tonight , with me making pancakes with eggs and bacon , and the girls were very happy with it , as were all of us . Its a simple meal and it tastes good . Besides , the girls like the idea of having breakfast at night , and they think of it as an exciting way to have a meal . From this point it was a matter of just getting them to bed and Linda and I getting a chance to relax a little . We still had a few things to do , but it was at a slower pace . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . No post yesterday , for multiple reasons . I suppose I could have said that it was due to network issues , and though we are being challenged by the network ( or lack of sometimes ) , that wouldn 't be accurate . The reasons for not posting yesterday were basically related to two things a ) there wasn 't much to put in the blog ; and , b ) I was really tired yesterday , by the time I would have been able to get to the computer I just wanted to get some sleep . Jason is doing well , and he did get a shower in , and both of those are good things . We also unpacked a couple of boxes and put away a few more things , but generally it was a laid back kind of day . Though we did get to meet a couple of our neighbors , as they were walking their dogs on the street , or just happened to be driving by . We are feeling welcomed here , and that is a very good thing . About the biggest bit of excitement , though was that Linda was able to attend her first Blue Star Mothers meeting as 1st Vice President of the North County San Diego Blue Star Mothers . Anyway , on to today , and all that happened today . We got up this morning and decided to head over to the Grace Presbyterian Church , over in Vista . We had met Pastor Tom , through a friend ( also named Tom ) , over a year ago , and come to find out that we now live pretty close to where he and his wife live . One of the more interesting aspects of our getting to know Tom , is that Tom also grew up in the SF Bay Area . The going to the Grace Presbyterian followed breakfast , and the girls were very excited to go to Sunday School , again . We had a good time and it was nice getting a chance to meet some different folks , away from the house and away from work . We were back home a little after noon , and so immediately Linda and I went into feed the girls mode , and fixed some lunch for them and Jason . A little after that they were down for a nap and we just kicked back and relaxed . We are in the midst of planning Stacy 's seventh birthday party , and this gave us a chance to work on that , without interruptions . There are still things to be done , but I think we have most everything done , except get the cake . I was also able to help Jason with his shower and did a full vac exchange , and considering how long it has been , since I did my last change out , I was surprised at how well it went . Tonight we had chicken and mashed potatoes . It was nice to have potatoes again , since we haven 't had them in a while . The girls played for a little while after dinner and it was my turn to clean up , so Linda read them a story , and they went to bed . Now I have time to get the blog updated and a post to put out for others to read . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Fourteen years ago , Jason was sitting with a bunch of other new recruits waiting to go to the MEPS so that he could become a Marine . He was eating breakfast and happened to look up at the T . V . and saw the news , only he thought it was a movie . He saw an airliner fly into one of the Twin Towers and then found out that it was real . The thought ran through his mind that something was very wrong and after the news caster said that it had been a hi - jacked plane , flown by some unknown middle easterners , he thought , " We 're going to war over this one . " How right he was . It did not change his mind in the slightest , about joining the Marines , and in fact , he was looking forward to it more . The problem was that now all the transportation to get down to be inducted , had been shut down , and the folks in charge didn 't know quite what to do . The recruits all got to spend another night at the hotel and then the next day parents and others were called to come get them , and they would " hold until further notice . " The hold lasted another six days and Jason joined the Marines , still down in the San Diego area , just a week later . And that is what the start of his career looked like . Today being September 11 , is a day that will always be remembered by many people , just like December 7 , is still remembered . As a way to honor those who died on that day we had a special visitor , Gary Sinise . He was also here to take part in filming a special program , that will air on PBS , and I believe it is called " The Next Home . " We don 't know when it will be shown , just that we have been told they will do their best to let us know when , so that we can watch it . CORE , who is a partner with the Gary Sinise Foundation , and did the " Smart " part of the Smart Home was a big part of the filming today , also . It was actually a lot of fun to have them here , and even the girls , Stacy and Jackie were able to join in the fun . Gary also got to spend some private time with Jason , and that was very nice , as well as good for Jason . Jason managed to stay in bed , for just about all day today , as he is very determined to get the wounds to heal up . I think he is anxious to get some solid help in the seating solution that will allow him to stay in his chair longer , and he wants to move on to the next level of his recovery . There are some serious wheels turning right now , and I am hopeful that there is some positive outcome in the next two or three months . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Wow ! I feel like this is a special kind of post . I am entering into my blog and it isn 't even 21 : 00 ( 9pm ) yet . Of course , it still won 't be posted until after Linda reads it and does her editing job , but still I think it is special that it is being written , early for a change . Actually , Linda doesn 't read all of my posts , prior to them being posted , just most of them , over these past couple of years . I suppose most of you were able to tell when she had seen them and when she had not - that 's why I asked her to check them out . I get going sometimes and use wrong words or missed words , and it makes it difficult to read , or make sense of it . Anyway , here goes . I got up , right after Linda did . She had been thinking about Friday 's activities and it made it more difficult to sleep . Tomorrow we are being filmed for a presentation and Linda wants the house to look better than brand new . She has been doing a great deal of extra cleaning and putting things away and though it has been making her tired , she has woken up these last couple of days , early . I had a few things to take care of this morning , too , so it was important for me to get up early , as well . Jason has a wound - vac on his right side now , and last night it started to malfunction . I wanted to get with it first thing , and see if I could figure it out . Jason wanted me to do that as well , so I had a very cooperative patient to work with . It turned out to be a problem with the tape that provides some of the seal , where it had failed . We didn 't have any spare / extra tape , so I couldn 't fix it . I told Jason he was going to have to go back in , again , and that he would need to call in for an appointment . I had to get to work , so we left it at that . By the time Jason was able to get in to see the folks at Wound Care , it was later in the day and I guess that is a good thing . I was able to sit through another tutorial on the wound - vac and they showed me how to take care of the tape , should it start to fail again . They also provided us with some extra tape , so we are covered , now . As it is , he won 't have to go back to Wound Care until Wednesday of next week , and then he should be in much better shape . As it is , the wound is looking much better already and I 'm feeling much better . Joselynn came to help Linda work on the house , as the two of them took on the task of getting it ready for Friday . The place looks great and a few more things were put away . I expect that we 'll have a great day tomorrow and then go into a wonderful weekend - as long as it starts to cool down , at least some . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Funny thing happened yesterday , with out " Smart " devices . The guys came out to instruct us on all the particulars of the different things we will be dealing with and they even gave a couple of tutorials on Security , and how the in - home communications works . They also helped load up on some of the music we each like , and it was all well and good . Jason had them do a password change on the Wi - Fi , and shortly after that is when we ran into trouble . I hadn 't even given it a second thought that with the password changing that we would be knocked off the network and have to get back on . The getting back on was the tough part . . . Jason had fallen asleep , by the time we ( Linda and I ) wanted to go on line and read some email . I thought no big deal , I 'd just jump back on and enter the new password . Now , you have to appreciate that I haven 't had to deal with an operating system in about a decade , other than to simply have it running on my computer , and the occasional software down load . Now I needed to enter the network access code , and I couldn 't figure out how to get to the right place . Jason was out and I didn 't want to wake him , as I prefer that he get all the sleep he needs . Anyway , to make a short story long . . . That is basically why there was no blog last night . It came to me this morning , as I was playing with the system , and once I figured it out , it was like nothing ever had changed . I still need to see what we can do to increase our band width , so that Linda , Jason and I can all work on out systems , at the same time . Right now , if two are on , and ANYTHING else is going on that might affect the network , you can plan on the bandwidth to be back to completely taken . We understand that there is a possibility of another provider being close , so we 're going to be checking that out , and if it is true , then we 'll all be much happier . Speaking of being happier ( what a nice segue ) Jason went to Wound Care , at Balboa today and they put on a wound - vac , to help with the healing of his wound on the right side . When we started there was a measurement of the depth of one aspect of the wound , and we found out that it is now only half that size , and is looking better . Obviously , there is still much to be done , but knowing that it is much smaller than it was before is something to be happy about . The girls experienced their second day on the school bus today , and it was another " E - ticket " ride for the both of them ( For those that don 't know what an E - ticket ride is , go talk to your oldest friend and ask them ) . Linda and I picked them up , at their bus stop , close to the house , and except for it being VERY hot today ( another triple digit day ) , it would have been a perfect trip for them . As it was , it was close to being perfect in their eyes . Rob and Pauline came by tonight and visited for a short while , and we found out that they were getting ready to move themselves . We took advantage of this and offered them some empty boxes . They were happy to take them , and we were happy to have them taken . We were wondering what we were going to be doing with the cardboard ; and , now we know . Tomorrow is supposed to be another hot day , though it did look a little like rain tonight ( we sure could use some rain ) . My guess is that we 'll have another few days of hot weather and then it will start cooling off and work its way to the Fall weather conditions and maybe by the end of October it will actually feel a little like Fall . Thanks , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . A busy day , especially considering it is Labor Day , a day that is meant to wind down and maybe even get a little rest . We did get some winding down in , and relatively early on , in the day , I took the girls out kite flying , again . They both seem to enjoy it , and because we have a prevailing breeze coming through , it is kind of easy to do . The down side is that by the time we were out and flying it was getting to be a little later in the morning , and the sun was definitely up . It got to be well above 90 today , and just standing there in the sun light wore me down just a little . We had fun , though , so I think it was well worth the effort ( We also had plenty of sun block on ) . After getting the girls down for their naps , Linda and I laid down to get a little rest as well . We were back up after only about an hour of laying down and started putting things away , and emptying boxes once again . I managed to get through five boxes and Linda did several , though I have to admit , I don 't know how many . We have quite a pile of boxes on our back patio , and I 've begun breaking them down , so they can be bundled together . Initially , we were wondering what we were going to be doing with all the boxes , and then we got a call from a friend , Pauline Frank , who happens to be getting ready for a move , also . She and Rob , her husband , are moving soon and they need some boxes for their own packing . This is very fortunate , and I hope it helps them . On top of that , it was simply good to hear from them . Linda gave the girls a bath , right after dinner , and then I read them Paddington Bear , and they went to bed . Linda will take them to school tomorrow morning , and if all goes well , they will be riding the bus home . Linda still has to check on one piece of documentation , in the morning , and if it is all done , then they get to ride the bus home . They are both looking forward to it , and actually pretty excited . The way the bus route goes they will be dropped off pretty close to our driveway . One of the things we need to get worked on here , is the network connectivity . Because we are kind of remote the signal strength isn 't as strong as I would like it to be . The guys from eHome ( the network company that set up much of the " smart " in this smart home ) are coming out tomorrow to go over a few things , and network band - width is one of the items I will be pushing on . When Jason wants to stream a video , it effectively shuts down most of the other traffic . That means Linda and I have to wait to get email or most anything else we 're doing , done . Speaking of Jason , he is doing well and the wounds are continuing to heal up better . He is still limiting his time in the chair , and I am staying on top of the dressing changes , like they want me to . It should be just a matter of another week that he 'll be back to being able to get around more . I know a number of folks out there have been wondering about it , and we appreciate the extra prayers that are coming in . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . We had a nice visit from Linda 's parents , Joe and Jess , as they brought Linda 's brother Tom , and Tom 's wife Palmeira . They stayed for a couple of hours and got a nice tour of the house , and then we had Pizza for dinner . This was actually decided upon well before they came . Only Jess had spaghetti , as she isn 't a big pizza fan . There was some time visiting with Jason and playing with the girls , and then it was time for them to head on back home . It was getting late and they didn 't want to have to be driving in the dark , any more than they had to . Joe was doing most of the driving , and he has a fractured wrist , so doing too much with the hands is kind of uncomfortable , and I don 't think there are too many out there that enjoy driving at night anyway . Jason spent a good portion of the day , relaxing in bed and watching a number of shows , while also doing different things on his phone . He has gotten pretty good at doing both and it helps to keep him from going a little stir - crazy . His wounds are progressing , and we are hopeful that they will continue to do so . I exchanged emails with Dr . Malone ( if you remember , she is the surgeon who basically saved his life , once at Bethesda ) . I did my best to explain the situation with Jason and she expressed concern that more focus is needed for him . She is going to be helping get some of that focus for him and his wounds . It will start on Tuesday , next week , and build from there . The rest of the day was focused on unpacking boxes and putting things away . It was a productive kind of day and now Linda and I are going to be able to go relax and do something we haven 't done much lately - watch T . V . We might even enjoy a glass of wine and just enjoy each other 's company . My guess is that it is going to be a fun evening . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today the girls had a special visitor , and her name was Joselynn . It isn 't the same Joselynn that comes to the house frequently , it is the daughter of one of the tile guys , who worked on Jason 's bathroom , Joe . He came to the house this afternoon , to finish a project , and he asked if he could bring his daughter along , and both Stacy and Jackie were thrilled to have another little playmate . When we moved in , Linda had set up a play area , just for the girls , so having one more person to join in worked out just fine . Joselynn is older than Stacy , by about two years , and it was very cute to see Stacy get very nervous , prior to Joselynn 's arrival . Stacy was concerned that they wouldn 't play well together , and as soon as Joselynn arrived , all the fears and concerns went out the door . They are about the same size , so that helps , and Stacy is mature for her age , and that helped as well . Over all , it was a very good visit , and they even were able to go out and fly kites together . Jackie needed a little help with that , but that 's what grandpas are for . Linda fixed French Toast for breakfast , with bacon , and it was wonderful . Both girls demonstrated that they have good appetites , and ate everything on their plates . After breakfast Linda took off to run some errands and do a little shopping and I started to unpack some boxes . I managed to get a few of them emptied , and even helped a little with the final touches on Jason 's bathroom . Jason did take a shower today , before Joe arrived ( with his daughter ) , and when I did the dressing change I was happy to see improvement . There is still going to be several more days before he is past this issue , though it is good to see improvement . What I need to do , is find out who I need to connect with to get even more traction for a better seating arrangement for Jason . I have been communicating with some people , but I would really feel better if I knew there were more , inside the VA , or within the Naval Hospital system focused on this . Seems like each time we talk with them , we get great lip service and then nothing more happens . Also , tomorrow , Linda 's parents , Joe and Jess are going to be coming for a visit , and they are bringing Linda 's brother Tom and his wife along . They haven 't see the house yet , and I haven 't seen either of them in quite a long time , so it should be a pretty good visit . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . We 're going to be working towards getting settled in this new house , for the next several days , and even perhaps weeks . We have been emptying boxes , and I now have a small pile of broken down boxes on the patio . What I am going to need to figure out is how we 're going to be getting rid of those boxes , once we 're done emptying and breaking down . But , that isn 't something I need to worry about right now . Jason is doing better , though he is getting tired of just laying in bed . He only gets up to do very short activities , and then goes back to lay down . He is very aware of the need for him to stay down , and I 'm glad he is that way . I would be uncomfortable trying to tell him to stay down , rather I 'd like to just encourage him to stay down . As my grandmother used to say - " You get more done with honey than vinegar . " The modifications to Jason 's shower are nearly completed , and should be done tomorrow . They are meant to allow him to have a more comfortable time transferring to and from the shower . The work involved in getting that done was pretty amazing , and it makes me appreciate even more the need to really take a look at things , before you start to work on them , to make sure you know what you 're doing and you really know what you 're getting . Tomorrow I will be helping with the boxes and putting stuff away , and I have been breaking down boxes in the backyard , and will have more boxes tomorrow . The really big thing for tomorrow , though , will be helping the girls with flying kites . They each have a kite and because of the prevailing winds , around here , it should be relatively easy to get the kites to fly . At least that 's what I keep telling myself . It will be fun and a nice break from unpacking . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Posted by Linda and set a target of getting five boxes emptied and put away , each day . So far , I think we 're on an average of closer to two . I 'm of the opinion that if God had wanted us to get 5 boxes a day emptied he would have given me a lot more energy and time , to do it . Today , when I wasn 't working or doing something else , I was working with contractors getting some work done around the house . I 'm happy to say that Jason 's shower looks like it will be completed tomorrow , and he 'll be able to jump into the shower again . He will have been without a shower for almost three days , and that is quite long enough for all of us . The other area being worked on is the network , wi - fi , and assorted digital items that are being used at this house . The network is functioning much better now and they installed a Blue - Ray player on Linda 's and my side of the house . The technicians wanted to take some time to go over the operations of all of what they have done , but there wasn 't time , so we will be going over it , tomorrow , and Jason will be a part of that conversation . The reason there was time today was because tonight was back - to - school night , and we took the girls to their school , where we got a chance to meet up with the teachers . They also served a taco dinner , for $ 5 . 00 each , so it didn 't cost too much , and there was plenty of food . It was a good opportunity to meet the teachers and to hear what they had to say about their teaching styles . So far , the girls really like their teachers , and their new school . It is rated as one of the better schools , so we 're very happy about that , as well . It feels like it has been a productive day , and along the way I must have done something , because I am feeling pretty tired right now . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . You know , I feel like now that we have rolled into September , the year is just about over . . . and it is . We only have four more months to go , and one of those months , September , is getting shorter . I look forward to the holidays , here at the new Ross homestead . Because we have the extra room , we can have more people over and more importantly , we can have more family over . It was a productive day , in that the folks who were involved with the building of the house , had some workers come over today , to work on Jason 's shower . Because of the way it was designed , he has some difficulties in transferring from his chair to the shower . The solution is a simple one , and one that we should have caught earlier . It is a matter of notching out a section , near the bottom , so that the wheels of his chair have a place to go and thus the transfer will be easier . The opportunity to do it right the first time was there and none of us saw it , not even Jason , who was very involved in the design of the shower . Fortunately , like I said , the fix is rather simple - just that it will take a couple of days to complete . I guess I should provide a little more update on Jason 's wounds , now that we 've had a couple days to digest the information , and I 've done a dressing change on my own . I have been instructed on how to pack his wounds , and they gave us some new materials to work with , with the primary one being Silvercel . Their biggest concern is that the healing might start to tunnel , and so they have shown me how to work on it , and hopefully prevent it . He will be going back in on a weekly basis , again , until such time as the healing is well on its way to completion . The one big issue , that Jason doesn 't like , is that he has to spend more time in bed , than he has had to , over the past few months . Linda and I have been trying to figure out how we can get things put away more quickly , and it seems that our best solution is to simply take one step at a time . I know that may sound kind of silly , but if you don 't go with the simple solution the level of work can become overwhelming and frustration can get the better of you . We did take some time out to go to Costco , and see what the local ( well , not really local , but it is the closest Costco ) store looks like . It is laid out differently from the stores we 're familiar with , but it is still pretty familiar anyway . I am hoping that tomorrow I will be able to get my other computer back on the network , so that I can share some pictures . Right now , they are all on the system that doesn 't seem to want to " talk " to the network , and thus the pictures remained locked . We do have some nice ones , and I will get them posted , just as soon as I can . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . First of all , Jason and I went to the hospital at Balboa and the primary reason was to get him in to see the folks at Wound Care and to see the doctor there . We were successful in both areas . They took a look at his right side and also expressed concern , because of how the tissue was healing up . What had happened was that a " tunnel " was forming and those can be problematic , if not taken care of . They showed me what I needed to do , and I think , over the next several weeks , I can get him back on track , like we want . We also discussed his chair , and some of the challenges he was having with it , and now that is being address , as well . If we can get both of those corrected , I believe it will be a much better Fall and Winter for all of us . Otherwise , Linda spent a great deal of time unpacking boxes and putting things away . The challenge with this is that there is extra work with unpacking , as any dishes that come out , automatically have to be washed , before they can be put away . Therefore , Linda not only is unpacking boxes , she is also doing a great deal of washing . I am helping as well , but I would guess that the division is around 75 / 25 . We will get through this and in the end , this is going to be a better environment for all of us . The girls were treated to another story , from Daddy , and afterward Linda had them in bed . Earlier in the evening , Linda had given them a bath , and that always seems to make for a more comfortable sleep . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive .

The weather was perfect for Gina 's seventeenth birthday , and the day was a welcome break from the hectic pace at the end of the school year . More than that , it was the first time any of our friends from school were attending a nudist social event . Heather , of course , had known our families ' secret for some time . Gina had recently told Shannon so Scott also knew . They were the only three of our classmates who knew , however . Scott and Shannon were getting a little more comfortable , having made two joint trips to the bathroom to " take care of things . " We were sitting on the side of the pool with our feet dangling in the water , our bellies happily full of grilled steak and chicken . I was between Gina and Heather , enjoying the touch of their bare skin against my arms . Erin and Leah were sitting near us , eager to listen in on our conversation . I guess , now that we were about to be seniors , it was exciting for them to feel like part of our group . We talked about what we were going to do over the summer , and our upcoming senior year . Gina and I were going to Susan 's camp with our families for the summer . " When we started wrestling practice in the fall , you didn 't have tan lines . Everybody had them after swimming and things all summer long . All except you . " " Yeah , it does , " Shannon said . " It 's still a little strange , sitting here with all of you , like this , but it is nice . " She scooted a little closer to Scott , their thighs touching . I had to stifle a laugh at Scott 's look of concentration . I knew exactly what he was doing ; trying hard not to " You were such a goof back then , " she reminisced absently . Then she turned serious . " You 're the better storyteller , Paul . Go ahead and tell them about that first summer . " That first summer , I mused . When we met . The memory brought a smile to my lips . We were so young , so insecure . Susan sprang to mind , so I decided to start there . " Okay , " I said , " you know how I go to camp with my family every summer , right ? " It was my second visit to the Pines . We were staying in a room across the sandy road from the clubhouse , just like the previous year . After we checked in and unpacked the car , we all shed our clothes . It still felt a little strange , getting undressed like that , even though it was my second year . Erin took off for the lake with me right behind her . Just as we reached the screen door , my mom called me back . I needed sunscreen . Unlike Erin . I hated the ritual - and I hated that my sister didn 't need it . I endured it , but as soon as Mom finished , I darted out the door . I turned left and headed down the hill . Little things about being a nudist stand out . As soon as I stepped off the porch , I encountered one . My dick flopped as I ran . I wasn 't wearing pants or underwear . It reminded me of where I was . I didn 't find any kids I knew at the lake , but I did see some older girls . I liked watching them ( and their mothers ) when I was pretending to read . I thought that was the best part of being at a nudist camp . I didn 't have a lot of experience as a nudist , so the whole experience was still new and naughty . For now , I went for a swim alone . The cold water was refreshing . It felt nice slipping against my naked body and softly caressing my skin . After a trip out to the raft and back , I got out and dried off . I walked up to the clubhouse but still didn 't find any of the kids I knew from the year before . I sighed at the prospect of being alone all summer . I walked over to the volleyball court but no one was there . Later in the week this would be a busy place , but not today . The swings were , well , for little kids . I walked back down to the lake and lay on a towel next to the lake . I watched the older girls and pretended to read , lying on my stomach to conceal the reaction to what I was really paying attention to . " I 'm sorry … the Simpsons won 't be coming this year . They moved out west . They called a few months ago and asked me to recommend a camp in Arizona . " My shoulders sagged . Billy and I had been inseparable and I knew that the summer wouldn 't be the same without him . " How about the Carters ? " " Jeremiah ? " she said to the older man looking over some papers at her table . " Can I see the clipboard ? " Taking it , she scanned the list , the pages rustling in the warm air as she flipped them . She tapped the page . " Yes , here . There are two new families coming this year who have children your age : the Erikssons and the Coulters . " Her expression warmed as she at last found a way to help me . " They 're both due to arrive today . " I was so excited by her news that I practically skipped out the screen door and back down to the lake to swim some more . I felt better knowing there were going to be other kids my age . I was still disappointed that my friends from the year before weren 't going to be there , but at least there was hope . It would mean making new friends , but somehow that was easier at a nudist camp . About mid - afternoon I went back up to the clubhouse to get something to drink . I bent over and reached for a Coke in our section of one of the refrigerators . The cool air flowed out and hit me as a wave of refreshment . I grabbed the drink , hearing that new slogan ( Coke adds life ) in my head , and walked away as I took a sip with my eyes closed . I opened my eyes suddenly when I bumped into someone . I looked up , then up some more to see a boy who might have been my age , only he was much taller . Skinny and taller - he certainly didn 't have to worry about baby fat like me . He had pale skin , blonde hair and he was wearing a t - shirt . He was standing at the end of the counter , facing me and looking foolish in just a shirt . Taking his grin as a cue , I tried to think of a good comeback to his remark . " Look ! A walking stick snuck in here , and stole someone 's shirt . This is supposed to be a nudist camp . " We walked around while we talked . Stick 's real name was Manfred Eriksson , one of the two boys Aunt Susan told me about . He 'd just arrived in camp and she 'd told him where to find me . His shirt was for the obvious reason - sunburn - a problem I sympathized with . " Last year I sunburned really bad . I had to wear a shirt the first few days , " I said . " My mom still makes me wear sunblock everyday . " We commiserated about our fair skin as I showed him around . After we finished the Cokes , we dumped the cans in the trash and walked down to the lake . At the water 's edge , he dropped his towel . Without waiting , he dove in . I did the same but never managed to catch him until we were both holding on to the raft . Then , with a shared grin , we climbed up onto it . That early in the afternoon we had the raft and the lake mostly to ourselves . I nodded . The lake stayed cold , even in the summer . I was just about to lie down on the raft when I noticed a family walking down to the edge of the lake . " Oh , " I said . " I thought it might be the Coulter family I heard about . They 're supposed to have some kids our age . I guess they didn 't get here yet . These people must be some other new family . " We watched them get settled on the shore . One girl who looked about our age caught my eye . I glanced at Manfred sidelong and caught him looking at her , too . I turned back to look at the girl on the shore . She was shading her eyes with her hand . Her mother was pointing to us and telling her something . She jumped into the water as Manfred spoke up again . " What happens when … , " Manfred began awkwardly . " I mean … um … what do you do if your … uh … it has a mind of its own , you know ? Do you ever have problems with … " Manfred asked . When the girl reached the raft , she struggled to pull herself up . She stood up , water glistening on her tanned skin , droplets trailing down a perfect body . Well , as perfect as a thirteen - year - old girl can have . Breasts starting to develop nicely , nipples erect from the chill of the water , it was perfect enough for me . I felt that familiar twinge . Uh - oh . Too perfect . I looked her over . Looking lower , I enjoyed the slight curve of her waist , the dark triangle at the top of her legs , and that was all it took . I felt it happening and I could do nothing to stop it . There wasn 't even a bush in sight to hide behind . I did the only thing I could . I came to the surface , swam back to the raft , and hung onto the canvas , smelling the cocoa butter of countless sunbathers . The girl on the raft was looking uncomfortable and saying , " That 's a funny way to say hi . " Then she turned to Manfred , who was watching her closely , and gave him a questioning look . He looked around and decided that my idea was the only option . So he jumped over the side of the raft , but not before I saw exactly what his problem was . The girl was holding her hand up to her face and laughing as he bobbed to the surface . She stood on the raft looking down at us . Her hands were on her hips as she spread out her feet to balance herself against the waves made by our dives . I was hoping the cold water would solve my problem , but looking up at her , from that angle , wasn 't helping anything . She stopped giggling and looked frustrated . I was feeling kind of frustrated , too . She was pretty , but I was acting like a dork . I was trying to save the situation but I expected her to just dive in and swim back to shore . Luckily for me , she tried one more time . She bit her lip . I could tell she was feeling embarrassed and I didn 't want to scare her off . I wished I had more experience with girls . The cold water had finally made my erection shrink so I climbed back up onto the raft . When I started to pull myself up , she reached for my hand and to try to help me up but she wasn 't strong enough . I lost my grip and we fell back into the water - with her tumbling in on top of me . The feeling of her slick body against mine was heavenly . If the water hadn 't been so cold , I would have been right back where I started . As it turned out , I was feeling pretty goofy but I enjoyed it . We finally got back on the raft , laughing about the whole thing . " Not really . She 's a friend of my parents ' . That 's what we call her . " I turned back to the dark - haired beauty standing in front of me . " You 're supposed to be a boy ! " The conversation was not going well - I wanted to sound suave instead of stupid . I felt my face heating . I hated that I blushed so easily . Girls are supposed to blush , not guys . Gina was pretty and I really wanted her to like me . I felt my stomach tighten as I realized that . I had never gotten this far with a girl before and my brain was going to mush . I even started to sweat . I think she could tell that I was trying and she took pity on me . " Well , hi , Paul , " she said , reaching out for my hand and flashing the prettiest smile I 'd ever seen . Her grasp was feminine but firm . She wasn 't just pretty , she was very pretty ; she was also nice - and she was talking to me . Ordinarily this would make me nervous but her friendliness was making me feel relaxed . That was something I hadn 't experienced with other girls , and I liked it . I enjoyed talking to her and I wanted her to like talking to me . She started to lose her balance a little when Manfred made the raft rock so she grabbed my arm . Her touch was soft , feminine , magical . It was making me feel things , in my stomach and in … other places . It was wonderful . It was - oh no . Treacherous organ . I felt my dick expanding , and my face burning at the same time . Gina saw the change in my expression . She was trying to figure out what was wrong . Then , she looked down , just as Manfred was telling her my nickname . Gina took a good look at my nascent erection . Seeing her look at it only made the problem worse . As I watched her , I noticed her breasts rise as if she was drawing in a slow , deep breath . I was surprised , though , when she said something to make me feel better . I wanted to add , " You should be " but I just wasn 't brave enough . The truth is that I liked Gina a lot already . She had a body and a face that I would dream about . She was very pretty with her dark complexion and hair , but I liked other things about her , too . She seemed really nice , sweet even . When she smiled at me , I felt the warmth of it all through my body . The day seemed brighter after she showed up . I liked the way I felt when I was with her . No one had ever made me feel that way before . I wanted to get to know her better . I wanted more than anything for her to give me that chance . I just hoped Manfred didn 't like her the way I did . The three of us sat on the raft and talked , mostly about the camp . Gina sat between us and I was beaming inside just from being next to her . In time , I got things under control . I wanted to stare at her , but I knew what would happen if I did . That 's one of the problems about being a nudist . You 're on display . The dick can be a window to the thoughts of a teenage boy . It made me feel good to be able to answer their questions about the camp . I found out that Manfred was staying in the building behind ours . Gina 's family was renting one of the big cabins at the top of the hill . She asked about things to do in the camp . I was talking about the volleyball court next to the clubhouse when I stopped . She said , " No , but I like watching the guys play . I mean , I 'm not going to spend the summer playing with dolls or anything . What you 're saying sounds like fun . I 'd like to watch , and maybe play a little … if you show me how . " She nodded , making her short dark hair bob . I realized that she was saying she wanted to do things with me , which made my heart beat even faster . And , of course , I felt my cheeks heating . Her expression showed she noticed but she didn 't say anything . When I finally glanced at Manfred , he was smiling at me but he , thankfully , didn 't say anything either . In time , we swam back across the lake and walked up to the volleyball court . I got a ball from the clubhouse so Manfred and I could show Gina how to play . True to her word , she showed interest for awhile . She let me teach her . It was hard to concentrate on the game because I was thinking about how close I was to her . In time , she bowed out and sat on the sidelines to watch Manfred and me play one on one . " Oh man , are you okay ? I 'm so sorry . I didn 't mean to hit you , " Manfred jabbered like he couldn 't apologize fast enough . I was embarrassed because I had been so busy watching Gina that I lost track of the ball . In my shame , I didn 't realize that Gina had jumped up and run to me . It hurt where I got hit , but the pain was forgotten when I felt Gina 's gentle touch on my face . I was shamelessly trying to sound pitiful . It didn 't really hurt that much at all , but I didn 't want her to know that . I wanted to enjoy her gentle touch , her closeness , her concern , a little longer . Looking back , I think Gina saw through my act . She was trying not to show that she knew , though . She was just being nice , I guess , and I savored the moment . After my performance , we kind of forgot about the game . We walked aimlessly , Gina at my side ( although Manfred also looked concerned for me ) . By the time we got back to the clubhouse to return the ball , people were already straggling in for dinner . As we reached the door along the road , I stepped forward to open the clubhouse door for Gina . Before I had the chance , someone inside opened it . Seeing Gina , he held the door for her before stepping out . Inside the clubhouse , my mom was at a stove cooking dinner with Erin helping her . Dad saw me and called me over to help him set the table . Manfred and Gina went off to meet their families as well . " They used to go to a camp in Virginia , " Mom told him . " When they moved to Charleston , they found this place . They seem very nice . " When we were finished eating , we took our dishes to the sink where Mom was preparing to clean up . I passed Gina washing dishes at another of the sinks . She gave me a smile that almost made me drop my plate . I found Manfred easily enough , and we messed around at a pool table while we waited for Gina . Once she was done , we went for a walk . Sunset was a while away so it was still hot . Nodding , I laughed as I added , " Last year it ended with a mud fight . " Gina made a face when I said that . " Then , they close the drain and the lake fills up again overnight . " We laughed . From there we strolled around the lake before heading back up the hill . Gina couldn 't stay out much past sunset . Her older sister was already looking for her before we got to the clubhouse . Gina told us goodbye and headed up the hill to her family 's cabin . Manfred and I played pool for a few minutes until our mothers showed up to herd us to our rooms for the night . That night , I couldn 't fall asleep right away . I thought about all that had happened that day . Mostly , I thought about Gina . When I thought about her , I was nervous . I knew I liked her but how did she feel about me ? I was too shy to tell her that , of course , but I really liked spending time with her . She was pretty and she was fun to be with . She wasn 't a tomboy . On the contrary , she was definitely " all girl . " Still , she liked doing fun things that I thought most girls wouldn 't even consider . I wondered if she was thinking about me at that moment . I couldn 't just fall asleep , not with Gina on my mind . I knew there was only one thing that was going to take care of my problem but there wasn 't any privacy in the room . I tried to casually roll over so I was facing the other bed but I had to do it stomach down to conceal my burgeoning erection . When I was facing my parents , I studied them through squinted eyes to try to see if they were sleeping . The whole time I was very much aware of my erection pressed between my stomach and the bed . When my parents didn 't move for a few minutes , I figured it was safe to slip away to the bathroom . I climbed down as quietly as I could , all the while trying in the dark to keep from making a sound and making someone wake up . If Erin woke up at that moment and saw me with a hardon , I would positively die of embarrassment . That would be it . I 'd never see the sun again . I 'd be dead long before morning . As it turned out , everybody was fast asleep . I crept to the bathroom , my problem erection leading the way . I didn 't even breathe until I was safely inside the bathroom . Even with the door closed , I didn 't turn on the light because I didn 't want to risk waking anyone . With the moonlight filtering through the tiny window , I was able to locate the roll of toilet paper . It only took a minute or two of thinking about Gina while I stroked myself . When I came , I was imagining that I was lying on top of her as we kissed . That did it . Though I was a virgin , I had a pretty vivid imagination about what sex would feel like . The entire time I was so deep in fantasy that I forgot to worry about someone walking into the bathroom and catching me . I didn 't panic until I was finished and realized I had never thought to lock the door . My thoughts were focused on my need to cum instead . I cleaned up and flushed away the evidence . By the time I was ready to open the door , my erection was completely gone so I could head back to bed . No one stirred as I passed through the room . I was relieved that I didn 't have to come up with a lie to cover what I had really been doing in the bathroom . With my nocturnal mission accomplished , I finally rolled over , thinking happy thoughts of Gina until I fell asleep . The next morning , I was the first one to wake up . I didn 't really care if I woke Erin , but I tried to be considerate of my parents as I climbed down the ladder . When I came out of the bathroom , I heard my mother sleepily call my name . " You 're being so grown up today . I 'll be down to the clubhouse soon . Don 't forget , you 're helping your dad at the lake today . " It was a beautiful morning with just a few clouds dotting the sky like cotton balls . With such a clear sky , the day promised to be hot and humid . The delicate early morning forest sounds were like strains of a distant song with the camp otherwise silent that early . As I crossed the sandy road , I saw Gina coming down the hill . She waved when she recognized me . Instantly I felt my pulse quicken and my stomach tighten . I was excited , nervous and happy - all at once . I hoped I wasn 't grinning like an idiot while I waited for her to join me . As I waited , though , I took the opportunity to admire her body . She was pretty , there was no doubt about that , but in my shyness I knew I 'd have to keep that secret to myself . For now , I 'd settle for just spending time with her . She greeted me with the prettiest and brightest smile I 'd ever seen . Who cares ? " Nah . He 's probably still sleeping . The camp is usually quiet early in the morning , except today might be different . We want to get started before it gets too hot . " I put together two bowls of my usual Fruit Loops , found some spoons , and carried everything to the table Gina had selected . I sat across from her instead of next to her so I could look at her . I think she figured that out because she blushed a little when she caught me . With a squeak of the long spring , the screen door opened and closed . Then I heard Manfred 's voice . " So that 's where you two are . " Manfred went behind the counter and dug in his family 's basket until he found something to eat . He joined us at the table and I cursed myself for sitting across from Gina . That meant Manfred had no choice but to sit between us , next to her . He didn 't seem to realize what was going on between us . He was silly and boisterous , anxious to enjoy his first full day of vacation . Gina joined in and I tried to hide my disappointment . After breakfast , I enjoyed stealing glances at Gina as we cleaned up the dishes . When we were done we walked down to the lake . After draining all night , it was now just a big hole in the ground , a narrow stream of water running along the deepest part . The flow disappeared into the drain opening , making a small sound . The raft was sitting on the bottom , looking like a sleeping animal . Behind us , I heard the sound of metal banging together . I looked up the hill and saw some men pushing wheelbarrows full of rakes and shovels . People were drifting down in small groups . My dad arrived and took charge of getting everybody organized . The men slopped off into the lake bottom to carry off the bigger pieces of winter debris , small logs and larger tree limbs . Some of the women were using rakes and shovels to pile up the muck . Others filled wheelbarrows with the muck and dumped it away from the lake . The kids , like us , were delegated to picking up the countless twigs off the bottom . The lake had a sandy bottom for the most part , but the deep part under the big tree was muddy . It wasn 't very hard work , but it was dirty . Gina worked as hard as Manfred and I did . At first , I tried to pick up the sticks in her path to save her the work . She saw what I was doing and just changed direction , thwarting my efforts . When she came to a big branch , I offered to help her carry it . She carried her end of the burden , showing me she wasn 't just there for moral support or because her parents said she had to help . She was helping out as much as anyone else . She didn 't beg off because she was a girl and she didn 't go help some of the mothers with preparing lunch . She spent the morning down in the muck with us . If I had been in her position , I 'm not so sure I would have done what she did . I saw more in her after that . I gained a lot of respect for her that day . I also enjoyed watching her out of the corner of my eye . It was because I liked looking at her , not just because she was a girl . Before meeting her , I enjoyed watching all the pretty teenage girls . After meeting her , I was watching only Gina . By lunchtime , we were almost finished and we were very muddy . Some of the women had gone up to the clubhouse earlier to put together sandwiches and drinks for lunch . When my dad announced lunch , everybody headed up to the clubhouse . It was a slow walk . The heat and fatigue were wearing us down . People lined up to use the hose , or the shower on the other side of the clubhouse , to rinse off before going inside . Streams of muddy water ran off the deck and into the sand . The three of us waited our turn for the hose . I stood there like a butler , holding the hose for her . It was self - serving . I had an excellent excuse to watch her naked body up close as she cleaned up . I was so preoccupied that I didn 't realize it when she finished . I was still staring when she took the hose out of my hand . She spoke up when she saw the confused look on my face . Our mothers also made us scrub our hands before we got to eat . Like at breakfast , the three of us shared a table . Gina pointed out her younger sister , Leah , who was sitting with Erin . They were chatting animatedly , laughing and motioning with their free hands as they ate sandwiches . Gina 's older sister was flirting with some of the older guys , including Susan 's sons . I was hungry after all that work . Manfred looked to be in the same state . Gina ate more than I thought a girl would , but she didn 't wolf down her food like we did . She ate like a girl , I guess . I tried once again to watch her without her noticing . Manfred 's comment outside told me he knew what I was up to , so I also had to hide my true intentions from him . I was having a hard time watching Gina and not letting either of them see what I was doing . I was playing a game where the reward was being able to watch Gina . Her delicate features were a wonder to behold - the way she held her sandwich and took dainty bites , how the smooth skin of her neck moved when she swallowed . Her hair was still damp but it bobbed as she moved . As we ate , we caught up with our hunger and slowed down enough to talk . We had to talk over the general murmur ( punctuated with occasional laughter ) that filled the room . Manfred was talking about what we could do after we finished at the lake . Gina was open to just about anything and I was trying to act like I was keeping up with the discussion as I stole surreptitious glances at her . I finally realized that I could watch Gina better if I actually took part in the conversation , especially if I was talking to her . I didn 't want to ignore Manfred and make him feel left out but at the same time I wanted Gina to pay attention to me . Manfred caught on to what I was up to and let me know it . He started picking up on my questions and interjecting some of his own . Every time I asked a question , he jumped in with things like , " So , Gina , why do you think Paul is so interested in whether you like to watch football ? " or , " I was wondering the same thing just this morning . How long have you had short hair ? " He was starting to aggravate me so I tried asking him about the music he liked . He didn 't let me off the hook , though . He responded with , " Rather than talk about who is my favorite group , let 's hear who Gina likes best . " At first I ignored his attempts as I tried ever harder to engage Gina in conversation with me . I started to suspect something was up when a tiny smirk appeared at the corners of her mouth . When I finally caught on to what Manfred was doing , it must have showed on my face . Gina and Manfred couldn 't hold back the pent - up laughter any longer . I blushed so hard that my face must have glowed from the heat . To her credit , Gina didn 't act bothered - just amused at my antics . I wanted to crawl under the table . I thought about that image for a moment . Now that would be interesting , watching Gina from down there , I thought . I killed the idea just in time before my hormone fueled penis reared its head . If I hadn 't , I 'm sure Manfred would have found a way to work that into the conversation . After lunch , we rested a little while before everyone went back down to the lake . Looking down from the hill , it was obvious how much we had accomplished in the morning . Manfred , Gina and I worked together again . At one point , Manfred looked up towards the feeder lake and pointed out a girl who was off picking up sticks all by herself . " Forget it , boys , " Gina said with authority . " She is definitely out of your league , and she 's older . " Then , she added , " But she 's pretty . Too bad she keeps to herself . " You could hear the smile in her voice when she said it , though . I hoped that girl couldn 't hear what we were saying about her . She was pretty - too pretty for a shy pudgy guy like me . I might have a chance with Gina . I could at least get her to talk to me . The goddess would never be interested in someone like me . I quickly forgot about the goddess and concentrated on Gina . I tried to stay close to her and help her every chance I could . Being around her made me feel like my insides were churning . I was happy but also worried that it was obvious how I felt . I wanted to be around her more than anything , but I can 't really say it was a comfortable feeling . It did feel very good , though . We finished the job in a couple more hours . When we were done , someone got the bright idea to start a fight with what remained of the muck . Before long , everyone was involved . We were throwing it at each other and generally making a mess . We were all laughing and screaming and having a great time . Once I was covered and slippery , I wanted to grab Gina and get her just as muddy as I was , but I was far too shy to do what I was thinking . I settled for grabbing a clump of the slimy silt and chasing her , finally throwing it at her as she squealed . When things calmed down , we again trudged up to the clubhouse to clean up and cool off . " That 's not what I mean , " Gina tried to explain , punching Manfred lightly in the arm . " You care about me , that I 'm a girl and I don 't always like to do the same things . We 're friends , the three of us . " I knew who The Three Musketeers were , of course , but apparently not as well as he did . At that age I was reading mostly science fiction . I thought for a moment about what he said . That night , as I lay in bed staring at the ceiling , I thought once again of Gina . Sure , I had found other girls pretty and enjoyed looking at them . She was the first girl who was also fun to be around . I liked her a lot , in a different way than I had liked other girls . I was still too shy to tell her that , though . I rolled over and tried to make myself dream of Gina . It wasn 't going to work that night , either . In the dark , alone with my naughty thoughts of her , there was no way I was going to just fall asleep . I hoped I could satisfy my urges in my thoughts but there was no way that was going to work . I didn 't want to sneak into the bathroom again because if I did that every night , my parents would eventually notice and figure out what I was up to . I turned to face the wall and stroked my erection . I was going to stop just in time , but the thought of kissing a naked Gina popped into my head at the wrong moment and I had a sticky mess to clean up . It was everything I could do to catch most of my cum in my hand . There was nothing to wipe it up with . I was going to have to sneak to the bathroom again . I climbed down the ladder with one hand , my other hand holding what remained of my orgasm . I made it to the bathroom without anyone hearing me and flushed away the evidence . Relieved that I had escaped detection once again , I opened the door and flipped off the light switch . I wanted to wake up early and meet Gina for a private breakfast like the previous morning . When I opened my eyes , the sun seemed brighter than usual . I heard my mom 's voice . I quickly got out of bed and got ready to head out in record time . Mom watched me with amusement , but didn 't say anything . I raced out , screen door slamming behind me . I practically flew into the clubhouse , but it was empty . I had missed Gina . I ran down the hill to the lake , the whole way cursing myself for sleeping so late . As I neared the lake , I saw a scene that made my heart sink . Gina was already there , sitting under the big tree . With Manfred . She saw me and gave me one of her lovely smiles as I jogged up . " We were wondering when you 'd show up , " she said . Her next words made my heart sink even further . " We thought you 'd join us for breakfast . " " I 'm sorry , " I told her . I spoke directly to her though I didn 't really mean to ignore Manfred . He was my friend and all , but he wasn 't Gina . I was looking deeply into her dark eyes as I joined my friends in the shade . " I guess I overslept , after yesterday … " Gina put her hand on my arm . I didn 't mean to , but I sighed out loud at her touch . She smiled sweetly . " That 's all right . I knew you 'd find us when you got up . I saw your dad in the clubhouse and he told me you were still sleeping . " My first thought was that Manfred had stolen my breakfast with Gina . Their behavior showed that they were - that Gina was - really waiting for me . I sat with them , making a point to sit closer to Gina on the soft grass . She looked like she enjoyed that . I was glad to see it , but I still intended to never sleep late again . I calmed down and felt foolish for worrying that Manfred was stealing the girl I liked . In reality , Gina wasn 't anyone 's girlfriend . I still had a chance . She might look for someone better than me but then again she might find something special to like in me . A few days later , Gina didn 't show up for breakfast . Manfred and I had cereal while I kept glancing nervously at the screen door behind him . Finally , he spoke up . Gina didn 't show up until about an hour later . Manfred and I were batting the volleyball around when she came out onto the porch . She looked different . Something wasn 't the same . I finally figured out it was because she was wearing a bikini bottom . When Gina saw me staring at her bottoms , she looked really uncomfortable . She bit her lip and it almost looked like she was thinking about walking away . I wanted to ask why , but I figured that she would tell me if she wanted to . I tried to think of a way to save the situation , a way to make her feel comfortable . I remembered how much she liked to swim . I saw the look on her face change . At first I thought she was angry . Then it looked like she was more sad than angry , or just not feeling well . I figured out she must be sick . She looked toward the lake , then scrunched up her nose at me and shook her head . I didn 't even turn around . When I got back with the Frisbee , the three of us threw it around . After a little while Gina looked like she had an upset stomach . She found some shade and watched Manfred and me . I was trying to show off for her and she just laughed at me . During the rest of the month I spent every day with Gina and Manfred . We explored the woods right around the camp , we played volleyball and Frisbee , we went swimming and we simply lounged on the raft . Gina was the best of two worlds : she was a girl who also liked doing the things boys liked doing , and she was fun to be with . I felt lucky that she was my friend . The end of our time at camp finally arrived . Our time together seemed to have flown by . Gina 's family left first , on Friday . Manfred 's family was leaving on Sunday and my family planned to drive home on Tuesday . Manfred and I met up with her at the clubhouse one last time before her family drove out . I thought it looked funny seeing her wearing clothes for the first time . When I looked at Gina , I knew what she looked like under those clothes . I knew I 'd be thinking of her a lot over the school year . We talked as her parents said their goodbyes . Gina hugged each of us just before she left . I relished the feeling of holding her , the smell of her hair , the softness of her cheek against mine . That was the first time we hugged , and I wished I was wearing clothes at the time . I had to concentrate really hard on sports so I didn 't get an erection . I hoped she couldn 't feel my dick stiffen a little . " Um … yeah … see you next year . " I took a deep breath , swallowed , and found my mouth still dry . Then I threw caution to the wind and took a chance . " I had fun with you . " We didn 't say much more than that . We walked down the hill and spent the rest of the day in the lake . We had become good friends over the last month and he knew how I felt about Gina . I never came out and said it , but he knew . Two days later I said goodbye to my friend . Camp was really empty without Manfred and Gina . There wasn 't much fun in being there without them . When Tuesday came , I was glad to be going home . I had run out of things to say . My eyes were far away , and I lingered in that other place for a last moment , quiet and calm . Then I looked to Gina , suddenly aware that her hand was on my arm . She smiled and her eyes turned misty . " I never knew , " she said softly . " I mean , I didn 't know you felt that way about me that first summer . " I wanted to smile , to laugh , at my friend 's predicament but I didn 't want to spoil the moment with Gina . The expression on her face betrayed what I knew she was feeling in her heart . Our lips met and the feel of kissing her , here by the pool and nude , made me think ahead to later that summer when we would be at The Pines , together and naked . Please tell me what you thought of the story . Feedback helps me to understand what my readers like and don 't like . It also encourages me to write more .

floor to ceiling windows . One whole wall of the library was windows . She liked sitting in here in the mornings . It was peaceful and helped her collect her thoughts . She looked down at Sharon asleep , with her head on Sarah 's lap . She gently touched her cousin 's hair . Red hair . That was so different . Sharon had always been a blonde . She said she never planned to dye her hair because she wanted to prove that blondes could be smart too . Sarah smiled at the memory . Last night , after she had gotten Sharon inside it had taken a while to calm her down . Then when she had mentioned getting her checked out by a doctor , Sharon burst back in to tears and had begged her not to call anyone . She was afraid . It had taken her hours to get her to stop crying and fall asleep . Even now Sharon could feel Sarah 's body twitching as she dreamed . What was she dreaming about ? Sarah gently stroked her cousin 's hair , remembering that was how her aunt use to calm Sharon down when she was little . She had also sung her a lullaby but Sarah couldn 't remember how it went . Just then Sharon 's whole body jerked and to stroke her hair , wondering what she was dreaming about . She had a feeling Sharon had enough experiences over the past five years to give her nightmares for the rest of her life . But the few questions Sarah had tried to ask last night had only made Sharon cry harder so she had stopped . She desperately wanted Sharon to talk to Emily but was afraid to push . She felt Sharon 's head move and she looked down to see her looking up at her . She smiled down at her . back the urge to cry . The look in Sharon 's eyes was a haunted one . One of her eyes was blackened and swollen halfway shut . Sarah gently touched the side of Sharon 's face and was glad that this time she didn 't " Morning . " she replied . " Are you hungry ? I can make you some eggs . " Sharon nodded and Sarah helped her sit up . Sharon sat there for a moment , her head in hands . Then she took a lock of hair in her hands and looked at it frightened . " Sarah ! My hair ! What happened to my hair ? " she cried . She stood up holding her hair and looking back and forth from it to Sarah in confusion . Sarah put her arm around Sharon 's shoulder and loosened Sharon 's grip on the hair . " I don 't know . I was hoping you would be able to tell me why you had dyed it . " At Sharon 's look of panic Sarah took both her hands in her 's and looked her directly in they eyes . " Don 't worry . We 'll figure this out . I have a friend who can help us . When you 're ready , we 'll talk to " You aren 't crazy . You 've been through something no one should ever have to go through . My friend isn 't exactly a psychiatrist but she is good at helping untangle mysteries . She can help you untangle where you have been . But only when you 're ready . Come on , lets get something to eat . " Sarah walked them back to the kitchen and started getting out the pan and eggs . Sharon sat on a stool and looked around at the walnut cabinets and marble counter tops . She watched Sarah put coffee grounds in the pot and wrinkled her nose . face and shook her head . Sarah poured her a glass of orange juice and set it in front of her . Sharon sipped at it , watching Sarah make eggs . The two ate in quiet . Sarah didn 't want to push Sharon to talk and Sharon kept her eyes on her plate . When they were done , Sarah cleared the dishes and put them in the dishwasher . Sharon put a hand up to stifle a " You 're still tired . Why don 't you try to get some sleep . Your room hasn 't been touched … and probably it should have been cleaned . But you can rest for a while . " Sharon only nodded , her eyes fighting to stay open . The Sharon 's room . Opening the door Sharon paused in the entrance way and looked around . The blues and yellows mixed pleasantly and gave it a calm , restful feeling . Sharon walked in and looked at the bed . The cover was smooth but there was a fine layer of dust on it . " Come to think of it , why don 't you sleep in my room for now . It 's not dusty . I can work on cleaning this one for you . " Sarah said . Sharon turned around and smiled . " No , thats ok . I can pull the cover off . The pillows and sheets under it should be fine . " As if to punctuate her words , Sharon went over and tugged at the cover , sending up a small puff of dust that made her sneeze . The two girls laughed and Sarah helped her pull the cover all the way off . " Thanks . " she said . Sarah nodded and went to the door . " Let me know if there is anything I can do for you . I 'll be in the library . " Sharon nodded and watched as Sarah closed the door . hallway was empty . Closing it , she locked it and went to the closet . Moving the clothes aside , she pulled up the corner of the carpeting in the back of the closet and pulled out the earwig Brian had given her . Fitting it into her ear she then clipped the microphone to her shirt . She picked up the ring and smiled , slipping it on her finger and felt relief wash over her . She had about a half an hour before she could make contact with Brian . Holding her hand with the ring in her other hand , she walked to the bed and lay down . Absently turning the ring in a circle she thought about what she had to do . Somehow she had to get Sarah to bring her in to The Company . She had mentioned a friend who could " help " her . Was it too much to hope for that this person also worked for the company ? Her understanding from the background material she had studied , Sarah King had very little life outside of The Company . Over the next half an hour she thought out different ways to find out . When she heard a soft crackle in her ear she brought the mic to her mouth and whispered , " I 'm in . " Sarah looked out the window of the jet and down at the water below . She hadn 't been able to sleep at all on the way back from Russia . The extraction had been uneventful . Apparently Yuri had fallen farther down Putin 's ranks then he had lead them to believe . She looked over at the old , balding man sitting across from her . He was looking out his window as well . He looked so much older than she had remembered him . His hair was almost completely white now and there were dark circles under his eyes . He had also lost a considerable amount of weight . " Ah Sarah . So long I 've lived in Russia . My whole life . And in that life I have seen much . But lately , what I have seen has been so very bad . " " Communism was predictable for me . You say this and this will happen . You do that and that will happen . Now though , the predictability has disappeared . The players have changed and the game is no longer a game but something closer to a fight with no rules . What is coming will be . . . uncontrollable . " Sarah sat forward and looked closer at Yuri . It was only then that she saw the almost healed bruises on his face and a tremor in his hand as he took a sip of water . " And so , I wasn 't able to hide it from you after all . Well , I was surprised I hid it this long . Your mind must be elsewhere . " Sarah swallowed and silently yelled at herself for not being focused . " Why have you lost your position Yuri ? It wasn 't because Putin came back to power . You worked for him before . He trusted you . " Yuri laughed but then fell into a coughing fit . After Sarah helped him take a few sips of water he reached over and took her hand . " My dear Sarah . Putin is not the problem . Yes , he is back in power . But he didn 't do that on his own . He has become a puppet and someone else is pulling the strings . They wanted me out and so , I was removed . I 'm lucky they didn 't kill me . But they didn 't take it easy on me either . " Sarah gripped his hand over hers . " I wish I knew . I do wish I could give one last piece of information to help you my friend . Tell your people over there to stay awake . Whoever is in charge over there will be taking the gloves off , as you American 's say . " Sarah squeezed his hand and sat back as she felt the plain dip down to land . " I 'll get you to The General to be debriefed and then we 'll set you up in a nice home Yuri . Anywhere you want to go . " Yuri smiled and leaned back , closing his eyes . " Someplace warm please ? I have heard good things about Texas . " Sarah smiled and watched the old man look out the window . This was not good timing for her . A new player was coming on the scene but all she could think about was Sharon . She had to find Sharon so she could focus again . As the plane landed at Dulles she wondered just how close she was to her cousin . The Watcher followed Sarah and Yuri as they made their way through Dulles and considered for a moment moving forward the plan now rather then later . Things were speeding up faster than anticipated but that could be adjusted for . Pausing for a moment , The Watcher studied Sarah . She was protective of the old man . Sarah King had a problem with not being able to button up her emotions and separate herself from the people she was in charge of . Yuri was the perfect example . She hadn 't seen him in probably two years , but she had brought him in as an informant in the beginning . Sarah always got too close to her assets but The Watcher could see that she was closer to this one than others . He would do well when the time came . Soon , but not yet . It was late when Sarah finally left Yuri in the care the agents in charge of relocation . The debrief with the General had been long and ultimately fruitless if not a little frightening . Yuri had been imprisoned and questioned for a month before being released without a job and the inability to ever get one . He had stayed with a niece , hoping things would change , until she started to hint that perhaps he should try looking for work somewhere outside of Moscow . " My disgrace and fall from trust was starting to impact my niece . So I contacted my handler to defect . I don 't believe I will be missed . " His face had been sad and his entire demeanor one of defeat . Sarah had never seen him like that . When she had met Yuri three years ago he had been active , determined and a major player in Russian politics . A disillusioned one , but trying to do what was best for his country . Sarah had been able to convince him that the best thing for his country was to help keep corrupt officials in check and to stop a slide back into open communism . That was The Company 's only interest in Russia these days . To keep everything calm and away from the days of the Cold War . For two years Yuri had been a wealth of information . It was only in the past year that things had started to trickle down to nothing . He wasn 't sure if someone had found out about him or only suspected . Chances were it was only suspicion . If someone had actually known , given the state of the Russian government now , he would have been quietly killed . A car accident , a robbery gone bad , something that wouldn 't attract attention . Shaking her head to clear it of all things Russian for the time being , she pulled into her drive and yawned . Right now she needed sleep . Rest would give her a clear head , which she desperately needed . She had gotten a text from Sam saying the campaign would be back in town for three days before the final two weeks of the race . Two weeks that Sam will be too busy to do much more than relay messages . She had received an email from Jack tonight . He had finally gotten his hands on a secure computer and let her have it ! Swinging from her old , gruff , no nonsense trainer to the concerned friend all the way through the email . It had made her laugh . He knew he couldn 't help and if he won this race , there was no way he would ever be able to help her again with anything . She let herself dwell on that idea . Jack had been her trainer and mentor . When he had gotten wounded and his hip put him out of commission as a field agent , he had started to become distant from her . Dating agents was frowned upon inside The Company . But their relationship had never been that defined . She was drawn towards Jack and she knew he felt the same way towards her . But nothing had ever been said . If nothing was said then nothing had to be taken back . When Jack had started riding a desk , she found herself being neatly cut off from him . But when Sharon had disappeared , he had been the first to be there for her , helping in any way he could . But he was in Congress then . He could do very little . She smiled at how irritated he would be as President if he won ! She knew he wasn 't doing it for himself . She also knew better than to ask why . Pulling around the last bend in the drive she drove into the darkened courtyard . Her headlights lit up the front door and she hit the breaks hard ! Someone was huddled in the doorway , their hand 's up to block the light and their body curled into a small ball . Jumping out of the car Sarah ran towards the door until she saw the person pull away , trying to force them self further into the corner . They were whimpering and had their head turned away from her still . " It 's ok . I won 't hurt you . I live here . Who are you ? " Sarah crouched down a few feet away from the person , just out of reach . The whimpering turned to full crying . The person 's hands started coming down from covering their face . From the long hair half falling out of the hood pulled up Sarah could see it was a girl . " It 's ok , I won 't come any closer . Are you ok ? Can I help you ? My name is Sarah . " The girl on the step turned her head slightly towards her and slowly brought her hands all the way down . " S - Sarah ? " The voice was quavering between sobs but Sarah gasped in shock . She knew that voice ! As the hands came completely away from the face , Sarah felt tears come to her own eyes ! Bruises covered her face and there were restraint marks on her wrists but she knew that face , that voice ! Reaching out tentatively , not quite touching her , Sharon edged forward a little . Disbelief filled her as the girl shrank away from her outstretched hand . " Sharon , it 's me ! Sarah . " The tears were streaming down her face freely now . Sharon looked at her for a moment and then slowly reached out to her cousin 's waiting hand . She was gulping air in between sobs but they were starting to slow down . " Sarah ? Is that really you ? " Sharon whispered . She tentatively touched Sarah 's hand . The two sat there staring at one another for a minute , as if neither could believe the other was there . Then Sharon took Sarah 's hand and gripped it tightly . Her face became one of total fear and she started crying again . " Sarah , help me ! Please ! " Sharon watched Sarah King drive away from her house and felt her heart beat faster and took a breath to calm it down . Brian took her hand and she looked away towards him . He motioned her to follow him . They walked out of the trees and strait up to the house . " Amazingly , she doesn 't have any . Come on , we have plenty of time to get you familiar with the layout of the house . She will be gone for a couple days but this shouldn 't take more than an hour or two . " They walked in and Sharon whistled at the large foyer and grand staircase . " She lives in a place like this and doesn 't have security . " she said as she walked around , looking up at the ceiling and elaborate molding . Brian didn 't say anything but watched her as she took it all in . After a minute or two he took her hand and she looked back towards him . " According to our information your room is this way . " He lead her up the stairs and into the west wing . The third door down on the left opened into a large suite decorated in yellows and blues . Brian kept hold of her hand as she walked around the room . There were framed pictures on shelves and the desk and she looked at them carefully . She picked up one with a small girl holding the hands of a young couple . " Are these her parent 's ? The other Sharon I mean ? " she asked . Brian took the picture and studdied it for a minute before putting it back down . " Yes . They were killed in a car accident when she was seven . " Sharon walked around the room one more time and then let Brian guide her out . She stopped at the door though and looked back . Her head was starting to ache again . She hadn 't had these headaches in years . Maybe just the strain of being on her first mission . She closed her eyes and touched her forehead . She felt Brian 's arm go around her and she leaned into him . He could always make the headaches go away . " No . They have my name and face . But we won 't completely loose contact . " He reached into his pocket and pulled out an ear wig radio . " I 'll hide this in your room tonight . We 'll have a set time to communicate . You won 't be alone . " He handed her a watch . " If for some reason you find yourself in danger for your life , turn the stem and it will broadcast your location and a distress signal . " She handed the watch back to him . " It reminds you of me . If you get scared , unsure or those headaches come back , just hold on to this ring and I 'll be holding your hand . " She closed her hand around his and put her forehead against his . He had always been able to calm her ever since she had woken up from her coma . But she had to step away from him now . She felt a sense of loss when he pulled the ring from her finger . " Come on . Lets get these hidden and get going . You have more studying to do before she gets back . " They hid the items and left the house . * * * *** * * * Brian walked into Malcolm 's office and took a seat across from him . Malcolm handed him a cigar and Brian clipped it , lit it and puffed slowly . " How did it go ? " Brian blew the sharp smelling smoke up into the air and smiled . " Smoothly . I think the headache only started up once . She responds so well to me that I think the ring will do the job to keep her from sliding backwards . It is just a stop gap though . Once we put her in we are on a time line . " Malcolm nodded and blew his own stream of smoke into the air . " Who is the General ? You know and you are excited about it . You said things were going to change . I need to know when and how . The General was never a part of the plan . Why do I have the feeling he is now ? " Malcolm smiled and rolled the cigar with his fingers thoughtfully . " You are right . The General is now part of the plan . Don 't worry . You will have plenty of time to prepare Sharon . " Brian sat back and studied Malcolm . The man was cold and calculating . He had known that from the start . Now he wondered if perhaps working for him was getting him in over his head . He had known from the start the Sharon was expendable to the old man , just a pawn in his twisted game of chess . He wondered how many moves were left and for the first time , if he would be able to do anything about the outcome . Jack walked quickly from the suburban into the hotel and was met with a horde of reporters all shouting questions . He answered with pieces of his stump speech and slowly made his way to the elevators . He noticed his protective detail talking more than usual over their radios . He wondered what was going on . The elevator doors closed behind him , cutting of the cries for answers on campaign issues and he took a deep breath . When the elevator stopped and the doors opened he made a move to go but a man was standing in his way . It was a reporter he recognized that had recently joined the campaign trail . He was surprised when the agents motioned him to come in . " Congressman . My name is Sam Howe , I 'm a friend of Sarah King . She asked me to talk to you about some new developments . " Sam looked at Jack Sheffler and wondered what the man was thinking . his face was blank , he didn 't even blink at the mention of Sarah 's name . Jack turned to one of the agents . " We have a secure room for you on another floor Congressman . " Jack nodded and then turned to stare at the elevator door . Sam shifted his feet , unsure what to say . He wondered just how much he should reveal about his own relationship with Sarah . He had been surprised when she had called him and said she had set up a meeting with him and the Congressman so he could pass on the information . He hadn 't know she was this close to him . The reporter in him wanted to dig into that relationship to see if there was a story there but the part of him that wanted to stay in one piece knew to leave it alone . He looked the Congressman up and down and realized that hip injury or no , he would have no problem taking Sam out . Sam shook his head . Why had he ever gotten himself involved with the world of spooks ? Even ex spooks like the Congressman never seemed to leave that world behind . The elevator stopped and they all stepped off . It was only then that Jack realized the agents had neatly seperated him from his aid , Sean . They walked to a room guarded by two more agents and went in . Then it was just Sam and Jack . The two men took a moment silently sizing up the other one . Then Jack shrugged out of his suit coat and loosened his tie . He went to the refridgerator and took out a water , offering a second one to Sam who declined . " Not sure I 'm allowed to say . Lets leave it at she helped me out of a difficult situation and we took a liking to each other . I 've been helping her look for her cousin . " Sam walked over to the table and set his briefcase on it , opened it and started to rummage through . " That 's right . Sarah said you found that letter Sharon wrote . " Sam nodded . " I have to ask you Sam , do you think she is still alive ? " Sam stopped looking for the folder with the papers Sarah had sent him and looked at the Congressman in surprise . " Honestly sir , Until last night , I was almost sure she had to be dead . Or at least hoped she was she has been gone so long . But I also knew that saying anything like that to Sarah would land me on the ground in a rather unpleasant way . . " Jack laughed and rubbed his hip . " That 's for sure . Wait , what happened last night ? " Sam gave a small smile . Was the Congressman dumb enough to suggest such a thing to Sarah ? She had been particularly upset when she had seen this name attached to Kirland 's name . But the information he had was a game changer . " Here we go . " he said as he pulled the file from the bottom of the briefcase . Walking over to Jack he handed it to him and let him look through it . The first picture made the Congressman stop and put down his water . " You 've got to be kidding me ! " he said . He flipped through the rest of the pictures then turned to Sam . " Do they know where she is ? " Sam made a face . " No . They lost her before she left the airport . " Jack kept looking through the pictures in disbelief . Sarah had been right , she was alive ! Other then the darker hair , she looked the same , maybe a little thinner , more muscular . He hadn 't expected that . " What does Sarah need ? We 'll be back in DC in a week . " Jack said , handing the pictures back to Sam . He took them and looked at them a moment himself . " Yeah , she told me to tell you specificaly to stay out of the way . " He glanced up at the Congressman who had a startled look on his face . " Meaning no disrespect , I actually cleaned up her message a little bit . She thinks you are too much in the public eye to be able to do anything . " Jack swore and Sam bit his lip to keep from smiling . He would have been just as mad if she had said the same to him . " To be honest , I don 't think there is much either of us can do right now . Analysts are working to see if they can find someone traveling with her or following her . Trying to figure out if she is still in someone 's custody and if not where she could have gone . " Jack nodded and started walking around the room slowly . Sam could see he was frustrated . " I 'm assuming it goes without saying we are completely off the record in here Sam . " he said . Sam nodded . " Dammit I would give up this whole campaign to be back there helping her ! " Sam watched him a moment and then decided to see what would happen with a question that had been bugging him since he had spoken to Sarah last night . " Why are you running Congressman ? " Jack stopped and looked him directly in the eye and for a split second Sam wondered if he had gone too far . There was a dangerous look in the other man 's eye that was gone before Sam was sure he had even seen it . Then he just looked tired . Jack rubbed a hand over his eyes and walked a few more steps before stopping and turning back . " That 's classified Sam . " Sarah put her head down on her desk and resisted the urge to fall asleep . She couldn 't sleep ! For the first time they had real time proof that Sharon was alive . She had to keep going until she found her . Lifting up her head she picked up a picture of Sharon looking almost directly at the camera . She didn 't look scared , sick , tired or in any way like someone who had been missing for five years . " All good questions . We 'll find the answers , don 't worry . " Sarah looked up at Emily and dropped the picture . She had to ask the question she had refused to even acknowledge in her own mind . The pictures made no sense . As much as Sarah didn 't want Sharon to be hurt or traumatized , she had been gone five years . And the letter she had written was two years old . " Emily , I know I stopped you before from talking about this but these pictures . . . it wasn 't what I was expecting . " Emily sat on the corner of the desk and picked up one of the photographs . She studied it for a few minutes . " Any number of things could have happened . My guess , just by how well she looks , is that they took care of her physically . Her face seems calm . She is always looking forward or occasionally to the side , like most people walking through an airport . I watched the footage carefully , she never looked behind her , she never hurried . She didn 't seem scared . She could be completely fine . She could be following directions or she could also be just someone who looks astonishingly like Sharon . " Sarah shook her head . " I heard once that supposedly there is a large number of people out there who have someone who looks exactly like them . A doppelganger . I can 't believe that is all we are seeing . If she wasn 't wearing that scarf . . . Sharon had a small birthmark on the side of her neck . Just a small , brown spot . If I could just see . . . " Sarah trailed off and Emily put a hand on her shoulder . They both jumped a little at a throat being cleared behind them . Emily stood up and nodded . " General . " she said as she went back to her office . Sarah turned around and looked up , wondering what he wanted . He pulled a chair over and sat down , tapping a folder on his knee . " Now ? ! For what ? " he handed her the folder and she opened it . A growl started in the back of her throat . " Yuri is getting on my last nerve General . " " I know . But with things heating up over there , he is getting nervous . He wants out and honestly , he is becoming more of a liability than a help there now . And he only trusts you . You brought him to us and he doesn 't trust anyone else to bring him here . " " He had to pick now to defect ? " She stopped and looked up , an idea forming . " You don 't think there could be a connection do you ? I mean , we never learned who took Sharon . And honestly , I thought at first the reason was because of me . That someone was trying to get to me because of my job . Could someone over there have figured out Yuri was working with us ? Could they have been controling him all this time ? Could - - " The General held up a hand and she stopped , realizing she was starting to babble . " I know you are looking for answers but I can guarantee they aren 't there . Yuri has been carefully watched . She was taken long before this mess over there got under way . Take a team , extract Yuri and come back . Maybe we 'll have something more by then . " Sarah sighed and nodded . The General got up and walked away as she gathered her things . She looked one last time at the pictures and put them in a drawer . The General watched Sarah go and sighed . He needed her out of the way and this was the perfect excuse . He couldn 't believe Sharon had shown up after all these years . The fact that from the cameras she seemed in good health , while good for Sarah , concerned him . He returned to his office and watched the footage of her walking from her plane through Dulles . He paused it and zoomed in on her face . With her hair dyed now she looked so much like her mother . Sighing , he closed his computer and sat back thinking . Something was wrong . And he had to find out what before Sarah got hurt even more . Malcolm Blake sat behind the large , mahogany desk set in front of a large window . The drapes were open sunshine poured in behind him and gave some much needed light to the darkly decorated library . The house he had rented was more than adequate . Dark , paneled walls covered the whole interior . The darkened decor fit his mood . The closer he came to the end the darker he got . He would succeed . For years he had been planning and building . For years he had watched and waited for the perfect moment . And if they played it right , the moment was here . " Have you done as I instructed ? " he asked , pointing towards the seat across the desk from him . The Watcher sat and and looked at him . He felt as if he was being weighed in some calculation and he didn 't like it . After a moment of scrutiny The Watcher gave a small smile . " Not there either . But not surprising . She probably keeps them with her . " Continuing to pace Malcolm started grinding his teeth in frustration . He needed those files . To make his triumph perfect he needed those files that proved Thomas King had been ordered to kill his father . The people of the United States had become suspicious of the intelligence services and he needed to use that suspician in his plan . He suddenly realized that the Watcher was sitting looking at a picture on the wall . They weren 't concerned or in any way upset over the set back . Why ? Malcolm walked back towards the desk and leaned against the front of it . He used his advantage of standing over The Watcher to look down on them and study them . The Watcher simply looked back at him , no expression on their face . " What was there ? What did you find in the safe ? " he asked . The Watcher smiled and he felt like he was looking into the face of a very satisfied cheshire cat . The watcher sat back in their chair folded their arms loosely . " Pay me double you mean . " Malcolm snorted and walked back around his desk . He sat down and stared at The Watcher . They were a very helpful tool in his plan and had come at a heavy cost . But there was something he saw in their face that made him pause before dismissing the possability of more payment outright . " I 'm afraid it won 't work that way . But trust me when I tell you that if I had asked for triple , you would have gladly payed it without blinking . " Silence stretched out for a long minute as the two studied each other . Malcolm steepeled his fingers in front of his face and leaned his forehead against them thinking . Money wasn 't the issue for him . His fortune was more than he could spend in two life times . It was more the principle . He knew The Watcher was an asset he couldn 't do without but was also one he knew he couldn 't trust . That being said , they were no fool . He didn 't doubt that information they had was worth something . But as a business man , could he take the chance that it was worth the amount asked . Revenge had not blinded him yet and he hoped it never would . To be calculating and clear headed to the end would make his success that much richer . The Watcher began to stand and opened their mouth to speak when he cut them off . " Transfer the money into my account and I 'll hand it over . " they said . Malcolm grumbled as he picked up the phone on his desk and gave directions for the transfer . " You 'll understand if I check first . " The Watcher pulled out their phone and pulled up their account information . A slow , ugly smile spread over their face as they looked at the screen . Malcolm worked to keep the grimace off his face . He couldn 't forget the danger this person put him in . " Everything looks in order . " they said and pulled several folded sheets of paper out of a pocket in their coat . Standing up they tossed it on the desk and turned to leave . " I 'm sure this will change things . Get in touch with me when you have figured out how and I 'll tell you if it will work . " The Watcher left the room . Makolm waited until the door closed behind them before reaching for the papers . As he scanned them he swore in frustration . They were Sarah King 's adoption papers . Useless information he already had ! The last page was different though and as he read it he swore again , this time loudly and in shock . Then he began to laugh ! The Watcher was right , he would have paid triple for this information . And it changed everything ! A knock on the door was followed by his assistant putting her head in and looking at him concerned . " Everything is perfect Ms . Lake . More then perfect in fact . " " Then is it ok to send in Mr . Kirland and Ms . Brennan ? " He calmed himself down and took a deep breath . But he was unable to wipe the smile from his face . " Please do Ms . Lake . " She nodded and opened the door all the way and gestured for the two people standing in the outer office to enter . As the door closed behind them Malcolm looked at Brian and Sharon and the smile widened even more . Brian took a step forward , giving a small tug to Sharon 's hand that he was holding . " Ms . Brennan , it is indeed a pleasure to finally meet you after all these years . I have heard only wonderful things about your progress . " he said . He pulled her over to one of the chairs and she let go of Brian 's hand as she sat down . " Thank you Mr . Blake . I 'm excited to be here . " She smiled and Malcolm nodded , putting on the air of a loving grandfather . He leaned back on the desk behind him . " That 's good to hear . We have a very important job for you to do . Something that you have already been working on without knowing it . But now we are entering the final stages of the mission and you are the final piece we need to succeed . " Sharon took a deep breath and glanced at Brian who gave her a small nod of encouragement . " Anything I can do sir . " she said . " Good . " Malcolm said , then walked back behind his desk , carefully folding the papers he had just finished reading . " New information just came to me so there will be a small change of plans but for now we will continue with the original . " He sat down and pulled two files from his desk drawer handing one to Brian and the other to Sharon . " Many years ago , when we were first getting started , we came under attack by an inteligence group called The Company , Several of our best agents were killed and ever since them , we have been fighting a battle against this group . We have discovered they have ties to Alquida and the IRA before it was ended . There has been some evidence that also connects them to the drug cartels in Columbia and numerous black market weapons dealers . We believe that we now have what we need to bring this agency down . You Sharon . " " Open that . " She did and gasped at what looked like her own face looking back at her . , The only difference was her hair . The girl in the picture had blonde hair , like hers had been before she had dyed it . " That is Sharon King . She is the cousin of an agent of The Company . She was kidnapped several years ago by an unknown organization . We recieved intel that shortly after the kidnapping she was accidentaly killed . The death was hidden from The Company and her cousin still looks for her today . " Sharon looked from the picture of the young woman to Brian in confusion . " You . . . you helped me pick my name . You said I looked like a Sharon . " Anger rolled through her and she snapped the file shut . She couldn 't look at the picture . " Tell me that 's not me ! " she hissed at Brian . He closed his own folder and reached over to take Sharon 's hand . " About a month after I found you . You were in a coma . The information was given to me to look in to . I was shocked by how much you both looked alike and I looked into it to see if the dates were off , to see if you were her . But you weren 't . I 'm sorry . " Sharon stood up and started pacing slowly , folding her arms across herself because she suddenly felt cold . " You picked that name for a reason . Why ? " she asked . " That was my doing . " Malcolm said . He stood up and walked over to Sharon . " My dear , Brian told me about you shortly after you woke up . He showed me your picture and I couldn 't believe that resemblance . He said he had made a connection with you and felt that you could be a great asset for Runda . Perhaps someone who would have the ability to finally break into The Company and bring them down . " Sharon backed away from them and felt a pain begin in her head . " Yes , it was manipulative . But you had no memory of anything about yourself . Brian felt that we could give you a life and a purpose in Runda . We are an organization of spies . Perhaps what we did was cold and calculating . But we gave you an identity , a purpose and a family . " Sharon looked over at Brian and the pain in her head intesified . She put a hand to her head and closed her eyes . Fear shot through her and she started to wonder for the first time in years who she really was . She felt Brian take her hand and she opened her eyes . He was standing close to her . She found herself gripping his hand tightly as the fear started to melt away . " I 'm sorry Sharon . I 'm sorry if I hurt you . I never meant to . I saw a strength in you . The doctors said you might never wake up but you proved them wrong . You fought yourself back to this world . I thought that strength would get you through anything . But I understand if you want to walk away . You don 't have to do this . " Sharon felt her breathing slow down and her heart stopped racing . The pain was gone from her head . She let go of Brian 's hand and sat down looking at the closed folder for a minute . " What about the FBI and Homeland Security ? They haven 't been able to do anything all these years ? " Brian and Malcolm both took their seats again . " The Company only moved it 's base of operations to the U . S after 9 / 11 . They are set up as a ghost inteligance agency . As far as we know , the only one here who knows their true purpose is their leader , a man we have only identified as The General . Until today . " Malcolm said . Brian looked at him in surprise . " We do . But that will stay with me for now . At any rate , we are here alone . The FBI , HS and CIA are all unaware of The Company 's true nature . For them , The Company is the helpful cousin no one talks about . " Sharon tapped the folder . She still didn 't want to open it again just yet . " The truth is , we don 't know who to trust . Since the agencies started sharing information The Company has inserted itself in every American agency . We don 't know who has been bought or who is just being used . You understand , if we take down The Company , the US Intelligence network will have to clean house , and there are too many important people , here and in other countries , who don 't want that . " There was silence for several minutes as Malcolm and Brian let it all sink in . Sharon sat looking down at the folder . Her hands were clutching it tightly and creases were starting to form . She worked to relax her grip and slowly opened it again . She looked at the picture of Sharon King . The pain was starting to come back to her head again , but not sharp . She shook her head , trying not to think about it . She felt like she was looking into a mirror of herself three years ago . She had dyed her hair red so that every time she looked in the mirror she didn 't wonder about her past . It was the only thing she could really change about her appearance . This poor girl . They had each other 's face 's and because of that , Sharon was being asked to play a role in bringing down what sounded like a giant terrorist organization . " She 's dead . And her only family was her cousin who refuses to believe that she is anything other than alive . " Taking a deep breath Sharon looked at Malcolm . Sharon walked into her hotel room and tossed her coat on the bed and left her bag by the closet . She looked around at the nondescript , normal hotel furnishings and loosened her scarf from around her neck . Pulling it from around her neck her long , red hair crackled with the dry air . She smoothed it down and dug out her laptop from her bag . Her directions had been clear , if a bit confusing . She had been taught to be invisible but today she had been told to make sure to find cameras in the airport . To be sure she was seen . Then disappear and go to this hotel . This was her first mission for the organization that had given her a second chance at life . She couldn 't remember much about her past but what she did remember was foggy , and not pleasant at all . She had flashes of streets , and dirt and laying somewhere outside . She remembered seeing Brian 's face above her 's and then a lot of blank space before waking up in a hospital . She had been in a coma for a year she was told . Brian had found her badly beaten in a back alley in Dublin and had brought her to the hospital . He had been there when she woke up too . As her computer powered up she sat back and closed her eyes , trying to remember that moment . There had been a bright light and a beeping sound , like a heart monitor . " Easy there now girly . You 've had a rough time of it . " The voice came from beside her . She slowly turned her head and saw a man sitting in a chair and holding her hand . She looked down at her hand and then back at his face . His black hair was brushed back from his face but a lock fell forward over one eye . He smiled at her and she tried to smile in return . It was hard for some reason . " Hold on there . Let me get you some water to help . " He held a cup with a straw in it to her mouth and she gave a tentative suck on the straw . The water felt like heaven and she pulled in more , painfully swallowing but thankful for the relief of the feeling of sand . " There now , that 's better . Don 't push yourself right now . You have a long road ahead of you . " He had withdrawn his hand to help her drink . When he set the cup down she tried to move her hand towards his again . He saw it and took her hand in his once more . She was frightened but for some reason , she felt safer when he was close by and holding her hand . A beep from her computer pulled Sharon back to the present and she clicked on her email . She sent Brian a note letting him know she had arrived . She was glad he was her handler for this first mission . She was sure that had been by design . The past four years had been full of training and desk work . But she had wanted to get out into the field from the minute she had been introduced to Runda , the organization Brian had worked for . She had thought he had been flirting with her when he first told her he worked for a top secret government organization in Ireland . She had been out of the hospital a week and had been staying with one of the nurses she had gotten to know during her recovery . Brian visited almost every day . taking her out to see the city to see if anything jogged her memory more . " I 'm not pulling your leg darlin . I promise . I 'm assigned missions to collect intelligence and was on one when I found you . I 'm telling you this because I think I might be able to get you a job with them . Something entry level . Doing desk work like a secretary . Who knows what you could work up to though . " " Why would they want me ? I don 't even know who I am . Don 't you need proof of who you are ? " " I 'll talk to my boss . See what we can do . Honestly , people without connections are preferred . " He had been right . She loved her job and felt a thrill just thinking that she was finally out making a difference . She still didn 't know who she use to be but she knew who she was now . She was Sharon Brennan and had no desire to change . Standing up she stretched , trying to work the kinks out of her muscles from the long flight from London . A hot shower sounded in order . She had to wait to get her second set of instructions . As she dug through her bag looking for a fresh pair of clothes there was a knock at the door . Pausing she instinctively put her hand to her hip but there was no gun there . She had had to travel without her weapon to stay below the radar . Cautiously approaching the door she looked through the peep hole and smiled . Throwing the door open she launched herself at Brian ! He caught her without missing a step and swung her around and back into the room . " If that 's how you answer your door now I 'll have to come see you more often ! " he laughed as he put her back down and gave her hair a gentle tug . She smiled and took his hand . She always felt better when she held his hand . She felt safe and calm . " I didn 't expect you so soon . " she said . " I wasn 't sure where you were . " He pulled her close and put his forehead against her 's . " I 'm never far from you darlin . remember that . " He kissed her gently and she melted into him . Her head spun and she felt light as a feather . But then he was pulling away from her and she felt a second of sadness . " Now , we have to get to work . I have someone you need to meet . He 'll tell you whats next . " He let go of her hand and she took a half step towards him before stopping herself . This was work , and Brian was her handler . But he had saved her . He had protected her and taught her . There was a connection there that wasn 't there with anyone else she worked with . But now she had to focus . Grabbing her coat she followed him out the door . The light of the rising sun began to creep it 's way across the floor of the room and over the bed . As the light came to Sarah 's face , her eyes closed tighter , as if that could stop the morning from coming . She stretched her arms over her head and pointed her toes and felt them push against something . For a few seconds she frantically searched for her gun before remembering where she was . Sitting up she saw Jack asleep across the end of the bed , papers scattered on the floor . Looking at the clock she made it completely to her feet with the next jump . It was almost seven . They had fallen asleep going over the files . A knock on the door brought her head whipping around as a secret outside and closed the door behind him . Sarah glared at the door and then at Jack 's still sleeping form . Picking up a pillow she brought it down hard on his head . on the bed . " Not a good idea Sarah . " he said . She snorted and pulled her hair from the pony tail that had gone askew in the night . " Please , I could take you anytime . In fact , I already have . " she said as she used her fingers to brush her hair and quickly tied it up in a hasty bun . " You caught be off guard . And if I hadn 't had half my hip blown off , you never would have been able to do that . " he said . He looked at his watch and sighed . He was late . Picking up the papers that had fallen off the bed he handed them back to Sarah . She took them and shuffled them , unwilling to look him in the eyes . Sighing he walked away a few steps to think . Nothing . There had been no real leads in the papers or in his memories . If Brian Kirland was working for someone again , he didn 't know who . The IRA was gone for years . The organization that ran those cells torn apart and scattered . He watched Sarah look through the papers one last time before closing the folder . She looked at him almost defiantly . Daring him to say what he knew had to be said . He opened his mouth to say it but couldn 't . He couldn 't bring himself to look her in the eye and tell her she was no where . she walked past him towards the door . She paused with her hand on the knob . Without looking at him she took a deep breath and let it out slowly . " Back door was unlocked . Seriously Sarah , you would think with this beautiful house you would have more security . " Emily said , settling down on a stool by they island . Sarah shrugged . " Everything is insured and this place is so far off the road , I think most people don 't even know there is a house back here . " Emily watched her over the rim of her mug for a moment . Sarah looked exhausted , and maybe a little bit defeated . Setting her mug down , Emily reached for a tinfoil covered plate on the counter and handed it to her friend . " I actually came last night , around ten . I made cookies , your favorite . I assumed correctly that you wouldn 't have any food in here . " Sarah smiled and pulled a cookie out from under the tin foil . " Breakfast of champions . Orange chocolate chip cookies and coffee . " Sarah popped the cookie in her mouth and laughed at the grimace Emily made . " Did you sleep here last night then ? It 's a bit of a hike for you to come out here twice . " " Have you been in any of them lately ? There is more dust in them then anywhere else . No thanks . Have you ever considered getting some help to keep this place clean ? Or maybe sell it ? " Sarah wandered over the the french doors that let out onto the terrace . She closed her eyes and could almost clearly see in her mind 's eye Sharon running across the stones , waving a doll above her head . Her Aunt and Uncle were sitting watching the two girls play . She shook her head and opened her eyes . " I can 't sell this place Em . Too many memories . " She turned back to her friend and gave her a small smile . " But someone to keep this place clean , that 's not a bad idea . " Sitting on the stool next to Emily , Sarah put her coffee down and folded " You mean other then wanting to make sure my friend is staying nourished even if it is only with cookies ? Ok , you got me . I have this . " She pulled a small manilla envelope from her purse and handed it over . Sarah opened it and pulled out a hand full of black and white photographs . She looked at the top one and her heart starting beating faster along with her breathing . It was a side angle and the hair was darker , but that was Sharon ! " The General has been having me scan cameras for her face this whole time . Last night , I found her . She was at IAD , just off a plane from England . " Sarah 's head jerked up . " England ? ! How did she get out of the country ? Were you able to get anything from Heathrow ? Do we know what name she was traveling under ? Was she traveling with anyone else ? " Emily put her hands up slightly , trying to " You lost her ! How ? " Sarah demanded , continuing to poor over the images . She was older , obviously , and thinner . But not unhealthy thin . Emily gently pulled the pictures away from Sarah who only reluctantly gave them up . " " Lets head in to the office . Maybe they 've found something by now . I was hoping to have this to you last night but you weren 't answering your phone . Where were " I was . . . with a friend . " she said . " Let me get changed and I 'll meet you there . " Emily looked at her a moment , wondering what the hesitation was . Sarah had avoided all relationships since Jack . And that couldn 't have been classified as a technical relationship since they both were sticklers for the rules . But there had been something there . But now . . . Jack was on the campaign trail , very much in the public eye . The exact opposite of where Sarah would ever allow herself to be . and let her breath go slowly . She didn 't want Emily to know she had seen Jack . While she might not tell the General , Sarah preferred her contact with him to remain quiet . Telling someone who spent their days in people 's heads was not a good idea , no matter how close a friend she was . " Sam , she 's here ! In DC ! " Sarah said as she got to her room and started rumaging through her drawers for clean clothes . She would have gone in what she had been wearing but she had wanted to call Sam and she " Yes ! yes it 's me ! I saw pictures of Sharon walking through Dulles Airport yesterday ! She 's here in town Sam ! " She heard Sam swear on the I love to write and am an aspiring author . I hope some day to be published and am working daily towards that goal . Currently I am recovering from chemo and looking forward to moving forward .

Far out among the hillocks and lumps of a misty moor , there stood a house with three chimneys and four windows and six children who lived there all alone . They were very comfortable . Their house was snug and smelled of violets and clary sage , and its insides were well - stuffed with cushions and coal - stoves and crackly , yellow - paged books . Outside was a hawthorn tree and a wash - barrel and a small square of grass , and all of it was enclosed by a high stone wall , its door kept firmly locked from the outside . Now and then a woman would emerge from the fog that lay forever around the house , and would bring the children pails of fresh milk and trays of meat pies covered with linen handkerchiefs , but she almost never spoke to the children . When she did , she called them " My little lords and ladies " in a sad sort of voice . She would come very early in the morning , before the sun had risen , and would ring a brass bell to let the children know she had placed the pails and trays inside the door into the garden . Then she would go away again in a great hurry . And then there was Cripps , who was very tiny and quiet , and wandered about smelling the bristly purple flowers in the garden and poking his nose into cupboards and the tops of shelves where only spiders lived , and into the chimneys , where nothing lived , but which were very intriguing . Cripps wondered often what they were all doing in that house on the moor and why the door was always kept locked , and why the woman always went away in a hurry . He had a great deal of thoughts , but he kept them to himself so as not to ruin them . After some years , when the children were only slightly older ( there were no calendars in the house , or clocks ) , they noticed the woman had not arrived in several days , and they were very hungry . Their meat pies ran out . Their pantry became bare . Elihandra suggested they grow their own food - she 'd read about it in books , and she knew it could be done - but though they placed seeds carefully in the dirt along the north wall of the garden , and watered them , and waited patiently for their food to grow , none did . After two days , when still no one had arrived , Cripps climbed up onto the wall with the help of Betsy 's shoulders , and looked over . " There 's a shoe ! " he called down . " Poking out of the fog ! " " We 're going to have to leave , " Betsy said finally , when they were all so thin they could see their ribs and the shapes of the bones in their hands . " There 's no food , and Miss Bell - of - brass hasn 't been here in days . " ( Miss Bell - of - brass was what they called the woman with pies . ) Everyone said no , they couldn 't possibly go . Surely someone would help them . But though the children waited and waited for the tinkle of a bell , and knocked and pried at the door in the wall , no one came for them . The sounds of the moor beyond the wall became strange and unsettling where before the children had never noticed them at all . Sometimes Cripps thought he heard hands and bony fingers tapping at the door , and distant voices . Wilbur became more insufferable , and Betsy took even longer to say things , and there were quarrels that not even Elihandra cared to diffuse . After one particular angry spat , Cripps went after Betsy , who was crying , and followed her into the garden . Betsy was scrubbing a shirt at the washboard , though it wasn 't dirty , and Cripps slipped his hands into the soap and helped her . " I think we should go , " Cripps whispered , very softly . " I think we should escape . " But Betsy only cried and cried . " We 'll climb over the wall , " said Elihandra . And so they did . The very same day , the six of them built a ladder out of all the chairs in the house , scaled it unsteadily , and leaped down the other side of the wall . They had not gone more than twenty paces when they came upon the woman who had brought them their milk and pies . She had been mostly eaten . There was blood all down her front , and all over the gorse around her , as if the moor had bloomed briefly in spatters of crimson flowers . After a while , they came to a town . It was crackly , rust - brown and mossy , and all the gables and chimneys leaned in one direction , as though at one point a giant had attempted to flatten the town with a hot - iron . The children walked down its street , staring around them at all the dark , locked - up houses . And though the doors were all closed and the shutters bolted , they were sure the town was not abandoned . They thought they saw figures moving in the mist , and heard people going about their business within the houses . When they passed a tall , pointed window , they heard a breathless , frail voice from beyond the shutters . " Go away , " it said , delicate as bird bones and rattling with fear . " Go back to your own place . We have nothing to give you . " A hand went up to the window , and an old face peered out . " Off with you , children , " said an old woman , her cheeks rosy and her eyes black and bright . " You are not welcome here ! " The children put their heads together and conferred . Then , because Elihandra was the politest , she said : " Could you give us something to eat , please ? We 're very hungry . " " Hungry ? " the woman said . " Aren 't we all : hungry and cold . We have our own troubles here . Be gone . And beware the hunter ! " The children did not want to be gone . They were tired and starving , and they could see a fire burning beyond the casement of the old woman 's house , and they supposed if they could have gone inside , they might have been able to beware the hunter better ( whoever that might be ) . They stood below the window in the lilac bush , looking up wretchedly and hoping she would change her mind , but then the old woman came out onto the doorstep , and her two old sisters with her , and they stood there in their starched aprons and clean caps , and shooed the children away , cawing and crying like a trio of ancient birds . The children left the town and followed a road , on and on into the fog . Their feet hurt and the slippers they had worn at the three - chimneyed house had gone threadbare and ragged , but there was nothing for them to do but walk . After a while they came upon a gang of boys . " Hurry , " one of them said , soft and desperate . " Hurry ! Run ! They 've seen us . They 'll catch us all , and what will they do with us ? " And then the entire pack - as if they were one single body - turned and fled into the fog , giggling in a piercing , frantic way , like a cry . The six children stared after the tattered boys , and then wandered on . They walked for what felt like days . It was difficult to tell , because there was no sun or moon in this fog , and it never seemed to become darker or lighter . They could not exactly sleep , because somewhere at the edge of their senses someone was always murmuring or laughing . Once , Cripps looked over his shoulder and was sure he saw the woman who brought them their milk standing at a break in the drifting mist , her front wet and shiny with blood . When they had been walking a very long time and were hardly more than bones , Elihandra stopped abruptly with a cry , and felt about her back . Several black strings extended from it , stretching away into the fog . It was as if she had snagged her coat on something and unraveled it on and on behind her . And when the other five children looked behind themselves , they saw that all of them had threads in their arms and their backs , vanishing back into the mist . But in the end , they could not agree what the strings were for , and because they could not rip or break them , they decided to follow them to see where they ended . It became a sort of game . They wrapped the coarse threads around their arms until they each had a coil of it , and they began to move more quickly and talk amongst themselves and dart among the hillocks , leaping like sprites , and they didn 't feel quite as tired anymore . . . . Next went John and Calendula , their strings cut at the exact same moment . " Off you go ! " the hunter said , almost merrily . " This is no place for you to wander . " " Onward , silly ! " replied the hunter . " And you should , too ! And where is the woman ? I haven 't found her yet , the poor soul who died at the door to your cottage . They made it look like a wolf did it , but it was so savage , I think only a human could have . I 'll find her soon , and ask her . " " She was one of the few who knew you were there , " the hunter said , " far out on Wickham Heath . " The hunter 's eyes skipped across the children , and glimmered not unkindly from under his hat . " And I 'm afraid someone wanted there to be one fewer who knew . You 're the kings ' children , that 's the trouble . But kings mustn 't have too many children , and when they do , the children must be hidden far away . Poor things . It 's not your fault , what happened . " And then the hunter said : " I catch all the lost souls and set them free . " What ? thought Cripps . Elihandra was gone now , and even Calendula and John had wandered off , hand in hand into the fog , which now seemed even thicker and colder than before . The remaining three children stared at the hunter . They were very tired . They were gaunt and sleepy , and all they wanted was to find the end of the black strings , and perhaps sleep a while , and so when the hunter approached them , they leaped on him and tore his blunderbuss from his hands and blew his head off . " Why 'd you do that ? " he demanded , but Betsy , Wilbur , and Cripps were already running away , following their strings , looping them haphazardly over their shoulders . They ran and ran and ran , thumping across the moor . They passed through the flattened town again , and they saw the three old sisters with strings extending from their backs , too , sweeping the step of their house inside the lilac shrub . They passed the rowdy boys again , and saw they were all tangled up together , their strings knotted like the tails of a rat king , hurtling through the mist like a desperate comet , shouting : " Get away ! Get away , they 'll catch us ! " The children came at last to a high stone wall . The threads went over it and disappeared . The three children stood on each other 's shoulders and pulled each other up and dropped down the other side . There was the cottage , the hawthorn tree , the three chimneys and four windows . Only now there were six skeletons on the chairs in the cottage , and the chairs had not been removed at all , or stacked against the wall . The six children had not escaped . They had sat on their chairs and waited . Substitutes are the worst obviously , but this one wasn 't so bad . She was pretty , for one thing , with a snub nose and eyes sort of permanently smiling at you . And she was pretty nice , without being goopy . She just seemed regular . We liked her . My friend Mariela went before me . Her project was on lobotomies , where they stick a needle in your eye to kill a bad part of your brain . Or it turns out now they do it in surgery , but in the past they used to stick a needle through your eye into your brain . And this is not like a hundred years ago , but even in the 1960s and 1970s ! Gross . My project was " Extraterrestrial Life - ALIENS AMONG US . " The title was kind of corny because obviously there aren 't real aliens . But some people think there are alien microbes around . In fact some people think that 's actually how life on earth got started even , maybe - some alien microbes landed here and life started growing from them . " Got a second , Aisha ? " she said . " I loved your project . Lovely work . Let 's talk a bit more . Maybe we should consider this project for the district science fair . " I have always wanted to be in that big fair , and I had worked so hard on this project . I know it sounds stupid , but just , I was excited . I pulled a chair up to her desk and sat down . " Why do you think alien microbes might still be visiting ? " she asked . Her long red nail was sort of drawing along her grade book , like she didn 't notice it . Her eyes were on me , warm and brown . " What do you think they want ? " " Oh , well , " I said . I was stumbling a little because I wasn 't sure what she meant . " They 're just microbes so . . . I don 't think they want or don 't want things . " Noah had done his on toxoplasmosis , which is where cats spread this microbe around , and when mice eat the microbe , they start liking cats and being super friendly to them . It 's like this bug whispers in their brains that Cats are the best ! No reason to be afraid of cats ! And once they stop being afraid of cats , well , they 're a lot easier for the cats to catch . Which is convenient for the cats . But it 's bad for the mice they kill and eat . The substitute was leaning over me now , looking at my presentation on my school iPad . Her hair was touching my hair . She put one long pretty finger on my iPad , like she was about to make a point about something there . I felt weird , like she was too close . Her arms were making a cage around me . And she had pushed in so that my chair was scootched all the way to the desk , so I couldn 't even slip down . My heart started beating a little hard , like it was scared for no good reason . She 's nice , though , I told myself . She 's really , really nice . At first I hardly noticed . Our regular teacher came back the next day , and she wasn 't as nice , and she said my science project was Nonsense and not only would I not be going to the district science fair , I would have to start all over with a new idea just to get a passing grade . I couldn 't believe it . I had to go to the library to find a new topic . They let me on the computer for twenty minutes to google around about it . I didn 't really have any ideas . But then all of a sudden , I did . Or this thing in my head did , this thing that wasn 't me . It made my hands type out " Dr . Cynthia Weinstein new vaccine " in the google box . Which , I have never even heard that name before . And something came up ! I was so freaked out from my hands typing on their own I almost got out of the chair , but my body stayed where it was and made me read the first article . Which was hard because it was pretty sciencey , but apparently this Dr . Weinstein had invented a flu vaccine that she said would prevent not just this year 's flu , like most vaccines , but all flu , ever . You take this vaccine once when you 're a kid , and never get the flu ! Yeah , that would be good for a science project . But : I didn 't want to do a science project on something my hands typed out without my permission . So I tried to get up . But my body stayed sitting . It turned to the librarian , all straight and proper , and this thing in my head said to the librarian , " Miss ? I wonder if may I print this article , please ? " For the next week , I fought with the thing in my head . It wanted me to do my science project , but I wouldn 't . I stayed in my room playing Minecraft instead . I stopped looking in the mirror , because when I looked in the mirror I saw my eyes were half scared and half hard and angry . The scared part was me . But even though I tried , that thing got better and better at using me . It made me hold the back of my neck stiff and hard , so it ached at night . It wouldn 't let me just do things , he had to be mean about it . It talked with my mouth , it sounded fake . It answered in class in its stupid prissy voice and made everyone hate me , even my friends . One night I before I went to bed , I saw the article . I didn 't want to see it , it was scary , so I flipped it over . But when I did I saw something , and I picked it up after all . The microbe this doctor wanted to use in the vaccine - the name of it , a long scientific name , sounded familiar . I went to get my old science project on the aliens . The thing in my head didn 't WANT me to , it made my fingers so stiff I had to pushed on the iPad with flat fingers . I looked again at that article the librarian printed out . It had a picture of Dr Cynthia Weinstein . And her face had that same look I see in the mirror . Her eyes were scared , with something hard and angry standing behind them . The microbes want me to do my science project on this new vaccine , I thought . Because they want everyone to take the new vaccine . Because then everyone will be like me . But they can 't , even my mom can 't . I think they think I 'm the fake - but it 's not me ! It 's these imposter microbes or aliens or whatever ! I 'm going to kill that lying thing before it destroys me , before it destroys the whole world . While I 'm still here to know I 'm not that thing , I 'm going to kill it . I 'm going to kill it . I won 't be a mouse in love with a cat . The truth of the matter was somewhat different : Jeanie had never actually seen a dead body , at least not a human one . The six she had found in the stream - bed were rats that had been surprised in their holes by a flashflood and washed out , all matted fur and yellow , translucent claws . Jeanie had never put anyone in jail either . Her only case so far had been finding old Mrs . Brodzinksi 's cat in the storm - drain , and then running all the way back to Mrs . Brodzinksi 's house and waiting on the rickety porch until Mrs . Brodzinksi came home and telephoned the fire department . But - and Jeanie was quite firm on this - none of that mattered . Just because something wasn 't true now , didn 't mean it would never be true . She would be named Stella Goldfish one day . She would be a detective , and if people laughed at her , well , they would just have to solve their own murder cases . Her way to achieve her goals , she had decided , was to catch a killer . Murder was the worst sort of crime you could commit . Even the word sounded dreadful - MURDER - all red and raw and awful . So it stood to reason that if you could catch a murderer you had to be pretty bright . You had to be fearless and brave and better . Jeanie had already imagined many times a scenario in which she found one . They were either great grizzled men with beards , or shivery , wild - eyed women in nightdresses , or sometimes a pumpkin with a knife . ( Jeanie didn 't quite believe that last one , but she had dreamed about it one night , and had henceforth always regarded pumpkins with suspicion ) . Jeanie 's parents were not best pleased with her pastime . Neither was her older brother , who wore spectacles and ratty sweatpants , and always seemed to find something wrong with everything Jeanie did . He often gave her long speeches about the ill - effects of having morbid interests , but whenever he started on those Jeanie made a point not to listen to him . At breakfast , her father would look over his newspaper at her . She hardly noticed , was usually busy reading How to Sharpen your Powers of Observance in 10 Simple Steps , whil her eggs grew cold and congealed in greasy puddles on her plate . He would say , " Jeanie , I think if you found a murderer , you wouldn 't know what to do with him , " at which Jeanie eyed him sharply over the top of her book and said , " It might not be a ' him ' . Ladies kill people , too , sometimes . " At which point her father lost all interest in the conversation . Jeanie and her parents and her dull brother lived outside a town that was very small , in one of those brown , scraggly states that no one really talks about except to express dismay at their voting habits . Her house was out on a long stretch of highway , and there were fields around it for miles , no trees , just lots of brown dead grasses , waving like so many dry , thin dancers . Sometimes Jeanie would sit in the yard and peer out toward the fluttering brown sea and imagine what might be going on in there , or just beyond the horizon - line . It was lonely out here . It was lonely in Bucky Creek , too , because it took ages to become friendly with people . Once you did , you started to wonder whether you really knew them , or whether they simply knew you . The Kramers had moved into the house about two years ago , after Jeanie 's parents became convinced the city was too dangerous to raise a family . Jeanie had not been happy about the move . The Kramer house was a low , one - story get - up , with a few shingles missing and a screen - door with a too - quick spring that snapped shut on your heels if you weren 't quick enough . There was a patch of lawn and a few dark bushes and a creaky swing - set and not much else . It was exactly the sort of house , that , when you pass by on a long road trip , you wondered with a pang of pity what sort of sad , going - nowhere people must live there , and sometimes when Jeanie walked home she thought the same thing . She had not been as keen on murderers as a six - year - old as she was now as an eight - year - old . It had happened slowly . The kids at school were farm kids who had so many brothers and sisters they didn 't need anyone else . They didn 't have time for games , and they talked about livestock a lot . None of them really liked detectives . And Jeanie had decided that if she couldn 't fit in , she had to stand out wildly . She got used to the town . She got used to the library . The house wasn 't so bad on closer inspection , and once you stepped safely through the screen door it was actually quite homey ; it had a TV and running water and all that , which some people maybe would not have guessed at first glance . But there were no murderers . Jeanie had checked . She had even checked the shed far out in the fields behind the house . It had looked very promising , but had proved to be empty . Jeanie made a sign and colored it yellow and put it in the driveway . It said , " Stella Goldfish , private - eye , 2 $ " and unfortunately that had not turned out well . Her brother had laughed uproariously when he saw it , and Jeanie had stared at him , confused , because she thought it was a good sign . When he had calmed down enough to speak , he asked , " What happens when they pay 2 dollars ? Do they get to keep you ? There 's a no - returns policy , I hope ? " And then he started laughing again , and Jeanie shook her head and furrowed her brow and said , " No , then I solve their cases , duh . " But her stupid brother hadn 't stopped laughing . No one responded to the sign . Maybe the people in the cars driving by laughed , too , when they saw it , or maybe they saw the house beyond , and the brown fields , and had that twinge of pity , thinking , " What sort of sad , going - nowhere people live here ? " And it made Jeanie angry because she didn 't want to be a sad , going nowhere person . She wanted to be someone . She wanted people to stop laughing , and she wanted to do something brave and wonderful like Arthur Conan or Nancy Drew . No one ever laughed at them , did they ? Jeanie went to the library . " Hello , " she said at the desk . " I need some books about murder . " The librarian was a nice - looking person with frizzy hair , who said , " Oh , you mean mysteries . Well , I don 't know if they have murder in them , but let me find you something . " She came back a few minutes later with three small , bright books that had children in sneakers and flashlights on the covers , and titles with exclamation points . Jeanie looked at the books and looked at the librarian . The librarian smiled at her , waving the books encouragingly . Jeanie sighed . She knew the librarian meant well , but she also knew that these were not the sorts of books she needed . Jeanie blew a strand of hair out of her face and picked up one of the history books despondently . She began to read . The history book was surprisingly good . It didn 't tell her the really necessary things , like how victims were identified when they had been dead for a while , or what the police did when they knew someone was guilty but he wouldn 't confess . But there were nuggets here and there that intrigued her . It seemed that this particular county , with its brittle yards and ochre - colored houses , had just as many terrible people as anywhere . The difference was simply that they lived very far apart from one another , and no one ever spoke of the bad things that happened . They knew . Everyone knew . But they didn 't tell outsiders . They didn 't tell book - writers ; they didn 't even tell the police necessarily . Jeanie read about a few cases the book - writer had been able to glean - a woman who drove off a bridge , and a man who stayed in his house so long that when they found him he was covered in dust and cobwebs , still breathing , because his dog had brought him sparrows and blackbirds to eat . Jeanie 's eyes grew wider and wider as she read , and the clock ticked , and the shadows grew longer . The librarian came by once or twice just to make sure she was okay , and probably also to make sure Jeanie didn 't make a run for the Criminology shelf . The Raincoat Killer : 22 years ago , in the sleepy town of Bucky Creek , a shocking murder tore through the community . An entire family slain . Remains never found . Perpetrator vanished without a trace , presumed dead . All that was recovered from the crime scene was a shred of plastic , probably belonging to a raincoat . Jeanie 's heart squeezed . She was suddenly glad for the librarian hovering around and shelving books and making friendly , normal noises . The murderer had been identified immediately , but somehow before the police could arrest him he had gone into the grasslands and no one had ever seen him again . They found some evidence later , but no one ever found the remains of his victims . The murders had taken place in one of the houses in Bucky Creek , and it was still standing , and there was a black - and - white photograph of a knife that - Jeanie closed the book with snap and looked over at the librarian , who was humming and flipping through a notepad , casting Jeanie nervous glances . Jeanie sat very still , breathing shallowly . Then she scooted off her chair and hurried out of the library . She didn 't think about what she had read . She was not even sure she had read it . It was half in and half out of her brain , and somehow it was in just enough to disturb her a lot . She thought of the murderer , imagined him a man with silvered glasses walking along the street in his gray raincoat . She thought of the nice people who stopped for him , and she wondered where they might have gone had they not stopped . It made her feel cold and sad and hollow . She thought about going home , but she felt she ought to investigate now . She was closer than ever . A murder had happened right here in Bucky Creek and no one had ever solved it . One part of her , deep , deep down , was telling her she shouldn 't go snooping anymore , and she wasn 't sure why because it was all she had wanted to do for years now . She wasn 't afraid , not of murderers . But something told her she might be afraid of this one . She wandered all up Bucky Creek 's main street , then down its only side street , one called Peachtree Drive , even though there were no peach trees and probably never had been . She peeked in windows and crept over scraggly lawns , quiet and sharp - eyed . She looked everywhere for clues . She saw bad things , that was for sure , things no one should really see , garbages full of glass bottles , quiet fights , and whispered words behind a wood - stack . But it was not enough , and it wasn 't what she needed . After a while , she went to Mrs . Brodzinski 's house and stood with a stick , banging it against the mailbox post . She saw old Mrs . Brodzinski on her porch and walked over . The woman was crying , her white hair stuck to her face . " Why are you crying ? " Jeanie asked , peering at her from below , and Mrs . Brodzinski 's head came up with a start . She didn 't answer , just stared at Jeanie , wide - eyed . Jeanie wandered off , but she couldn 't get Mrs . Brodzinski 's words out of her head . It wasn 't mean , the way she 'd said it . It was so sad . Jeanie went to the bus stop and waited for the bus to take her home . It was a gray , windy evening . She sat down on the bench next to a woman who was chewing gum and flipping through an envelope of static - y , freshly developed photos . The woman smiled at Jeanie , but Jeanie didn 't smile back . She was busy thinking . The police had never caught the Raincoat Killer . Ever . They never found all his victims . This was her chance . She would search the town far and wide , look into windows , use her very sharpest observational skills . She would find him . . . But what Jeanie didn 't know was that she already had . A third figure was waiting at the bus - stop . Behind the bench where Jeanie and the gum - chewing woman sat , behind the glass of the bus - stop 's wind - break a huge , gray man loomed . He had hunched shoulders and a great , gray coat with a piece missing . She looked back in that direction several times but she didn 't see him , right there on the other side of the glass , standing among the wet leaves and shrubs that grew close and tangled behind the bus - stop . Jeanie shivered one last time as the bus pulled up , and climbed in . She didn 't see the figure behind the glass flicker , like film , skipping frames . As the bus took her out of the town and down the road , she thought she saw someone there on the shoulder , blurred by the windows . But the bus was going fast and it was getting dark and she couldn 't be sure it wasn 't just a friendly farmer . She did think it was watching her , though , standing still , eyes following the bus as it passed . She had to walk the last distance from the bus - stop to her house . She got off and started along the ditch next to the road . She didn 't even bother going into the house , which was oddly dark for so late in the day . She went around the back , and pulling her raincoat around her , hurried into the fields . There was that shed , far out back . She had investigated it before , but had she dug in the dirt floor ? She walked through the brown grasses , poking along with her stick . The wind flittered through the top of them . Faraway she heard crows calling , and suddenly she wondered if there was not another sound , a drifting , sighing sound a few feet away in the sea of brown . But she ignored it and began humming , walking , humming , poking with her stick . It was a big field , but Jeanie always kept a compass with her , and she knew which way was home . She walked until she came to a tiny clearing , where there was a twisted black tree . She stopped and stared up at it . The brown grass made a clearing around the tree , and she saw the tree was full of blackbirds , silent , watching her . She crept around the tree and kept going into the field . And all at once she stepped out from a particularly high clump of shrubs and found herself face - to - face with the shed . She dropped her stick and hurried toward it . It was small , leaning , almost tipping over , its back facing a ditch full of stagnant water , an old creek - bed maybe , overgrown with brush . She knelt down on the floor , scratching in the dirt . She did not see as the gray figure came and stood in the doorway behind her . She found a bit of a flannel shirt , a hammer , a ring . . . and all the while the figure in the door stood , motionless in that wrinkled gray raincoat , eyes hidden behind silver glasses . The door began to close with a creak . Jeanie looked up with a start . She didn 't look over her shoulder , but suddenly she felt very cold . She knew , she just knew that the ground under her was a lacework of skeletons , a white tangle of bones extending into the earth . And she knew there was someone behind her . The figure didn 't answer . The door was almost closed , the faint gray light from outside becoming narrower and narrower across the floor . Jeanie turned her eyes downwards , watching the triangle turn to a thread . Her breathing sped up . The other girl began to whisper . Her face was hidden in the shadow of her coat 's hood . Her hands were clenched at her sides . " Your brother is so annoying . So is Mrs . Gilthrope . They 're all so stupid and mean . They laugh . They laugh at you . Gacker - gacker - gacker . " " They all know , Jeanie , " the girl said . " The librarian , Mrs . Brodzinski , that woman on the bus . They see you , but they never talk about it , because nothing bad ever happens in Bucky Creek . " A pair of spectacles . Ratty sweatpants . A wedding ring . A brother , a mother , a father , rumpled under a thin skin of earth . And far out in the fields another body , one no one had ever found , even though her coat was bright red , like a stoplight . The shed door crashed open . The girl was gone . Jeanie chased her . Back , back through the fields , past the tree full of black birds . Jeanie 's head was buzzing . In the distance - the direction of the house - she heard a sound , a clattering , maybe voices , but it was being drowned out by the cloaked hum inside her skull . She ran faster , faster , and she could have sworn she heard screams , the screen - door snapping open - closed - open - closed as people ran through it in a panic . . . She arrived at the house . All was silent . There was the girl again , standing still , looking down at the bare earth at her feet . The knife was still in her hand . Jeanie tackled her and the blade spun away , and she ripped the hood from the girl 's head . It was like a string had been cut , like a door had been battered down inside Jeanie 's head . It was herself she was looking at . Jeanie Kramer , in her favorite red raincoat and muddy galoshes . Pasty and wide - eyed , her lips blue , her skin pocked with black , turning to decay , like old china . Six dead bodies in the stream - bed at Willow Crossing . The spout of a hose pressed to the black , wet dirt , to the mouth of the warren , rats squeezing out , gasping for breath and then washed away . She had gathered them up and took them though the town , a lonely , desperate ghost , looking for anyone who would listen to her , listen to her whisper about how someone had murdered , someone awful , not her , not her , someone worse . She wanted so much . She wanted someone to know what she had done . She wanted someone to find her bones and bury her . She didn 't want people to forget her . She wanted to be a detective . . . " I caught one , " she said crazily , and wandered down the driveway . It looked for a moment as if she were wringing her hands , her dirty fingers pinched tight around each other . But then it became clear that she was gripping her own arm , guiding herself along . " I caught one ! " Well now , what have we here ? A new story , collected from the adventures that have kept us so long away ? By carrier pigeon and smoke signal , letters in the sky and messages sent on the wind , your four Curators have kept in contact even as we each traveled to the most far - flung , forgotten corners of worlds both real and decidedly not . We always knew we would return , and that our joyous reunion would be alight with tales of the things we had seen . Stuffed to the gills with cake and thrilled to all be in the same place again , we held our curious new treasures up to the light and debated where each might best fit in our Cabinet . Now , you might well imagine that on our journeys we encountered all manner of people , creatures , and objects , most - if not all - of which were not at first what they seemed to be . For that reason , our newest collection is on the theme of imposters . The car pulled up outside a tiny house on a narrow street in a small village . None of it was familiar except Evie 's grandmother , already waiting on the front porch . Evie waved through the window and smushed her face up against the glass as her mother parked in the driveway . Grandma June waved back , a smile eating up all the wrinkles on her face . The moment the car stopped , Evie yanked off her seatbelt and jumped out , running up to get her hug . Grandma June gave her lots of hugs in the week or two they spent together every summer , but this first one was always the best . Soft and squishy and perfumed with roses and talcum powder . " Good , " gasped Evie . Grandma let her go , and together they waited for Evie 's parents to join them with Evie 's small , green suitcase . Her mother had originally picked out a pink one , but no , Evie had wanted the green , the color of the apple skins that littered the kitchen counter while the smell of baking pie filled grandma 's house . They always baked a pie on their first day together , and they 'd eat it with ice cream for dinner , making a pact not to tell Evie 's parents that there hadn 't been a vegetable in sight . But it would be a different house this time , a different kitchen counter . Grandma June used to live in a city almost the same size as the one Evie lived in , but a few months ago , she had decided the hustle and bustle was more than she could take in her old age . She wanted quiet , she said , and to go to the shop for milk without a thousand people getting in her way , or huffing rudely because she wasn 't quick on her feet anymore . She had moved while Evie was still in school , so Evie had stayed with her best friend for several days while her parents had helped Grandma June move everything she wanted to keep to this tiny house . " Are you settled in ? " asked Evie 's father . " Enjoying it here ? It 's very quiet , isn 't it ? We didn 't see a single person on the way through . " " Oh , yes , " said Grandma June . " Quiet , for certain , but I was after quiet ! I do have a new bridge club here with some lovely friends , and a very nice young man comes to cut my grass , though I tell him every time that he 's not to touch my flowers , and the sweet people at the grocery store know my name and fetch the things I can 't reach . Now , will you stay for a drink ? We could have it out here , " she said , pointing at the wicker furniture . " It 's such a beautiful summer day , I made lemonade . Mrs . Hill down the road gave me lemons from her tree . " " I 'll help , " said Evie . She wanted to see inside the house . Grandma 's old house , where she 'd lived with Granddad before he died , had been big and tall , full of so many rooms that Evie had always been able to pick which bedroom she wanted to sleep in on the trip . This house was only one floor , Evie saw that from the outside , and when she stepped in , she could see practically the whole place from the front door . A kitchen was to the left , and a living room to the right , and ahead was a hallway with two bedrooms and a bathroom leading off it . It was very different , but it smelled like Grandma , all roses and talcum powder , and that was the most important thing . As was tradition , Evie 's parents stayed for a drink and a bit of a rest after the drive , then they kissed Evie and Grandma June goodbye and got back in the car . They would go home , back to their jobs , leaving Evie and Grandma June to get up to whatever mischief they could find to get into . Evie was the only grandchild , so she and her grandmother had all of that special kind of mischief to themselves , just between the two of them . Grandma June had taught her how to knit , and bake , and play chess so well Evie could beat her father at it now , and she was only ten . They did all kinds of fun activities together . Besides making apple pie , the other thing they 'd do today is choose a book from Grandma 's shelves , and spend evenings taking turns reading it out loud . First , however , there was some housekeeping to do . They put the empty glasses in the sink and then Grandma June showed Evie her new bedroom , the empty chest of drawers into which Evie could unpack the clothes from her little green suitcase . All right , so she didn 't have bedrooms to choose from anymore , but she recognized the furniture from Grandma 's old house , and there , in the middle of the pillows , was an old , threadbare stuffed elephant . At home , with her parents , Evie swore she was too grown up for stuffed animals , but it was unthinkable to sleep at Grandma June 's without Henry . Evie looked forward to seeing his ragged trunk every summer almost as much as she looked forward to seeing Grandma June . They put away Evie 's things and returned to the kitchen , where the bowl of apples waited . While Grandma peeled , Evie mixed together the butter and flour for the crust . The oven heated up , slowly warming the room around it on an already warm day , but it wasn 't unpleasant . It felt cozy , it felt like living inside all the happy memories Evie had of Grandma June , even while they were making a new one . " How was school , my darling ? " Grandma June asked , using a very sharp knife to slice the apples . " I 'm not sure your letters told me everything . " " Well , " said Evie , " Beth wasn 't in my class this year . I missed her . I kept getting paired up with Melissa Jones for projects , and she hates me . She pinched me all the time when Mr . Watson wasn 't looking . " " No , " said Evie . Some things she just didn 't want to tell them , she didn 't want to worry them , but it was safe and warm here . " It 's all right now . Hopefully she won 't be in my class when we go back to school , and Beth will . " Grandma June nodded in time with the slicing knife . " You are a little ray of sunshine , aren 't you ? Always looking on the bright side . You get that from me . Which reminds me , we 're going to have tea with a friend of mine tomorrow . I 've been telling her all about you since the day I moved here and she was the first person I met in the street , and she 's simply desperate to meet my little Evie . " " That sounds fun , " said Evie . " Have you made many friends here ? " She didn 't want Grandma June to be lonely in this new place . " Oh , yes , " said Grandma June . " In a small place like this , you get to know everyone in the blink of an eye , and heaven forbid you have a secret ! Tell one person , and five minutes later everyone 'll know it . " Grandma June chuckled . " They 're not really secrets . It 's nice to feel welcomed here , part of the community . It 's much harder to feel like that in a big city . " They ate it for dinner , its warmth melting the scoops of ice cream Grandma put on top of both their slices . Evie licked her plate clean , and Grandma June pretended not to notice . Full and happy , they curled up together on the same flowered sofa that had been in Grandma June 's old house , with a book from the same bookshelves . When the sun set outside the picture window and the room grew dim , Grandma June switched on a lamp and they kept reading until Evie 's eyelids began to droop and she yawned between the words . Morning came , Evie 's first full day with Grandma June . After breakfast , Evie put on her shoes and took Grandma 's hand as the two of them headed off to see the village . Everything was new to Evie , the shops and little cottages and pretty squares , laid with grass and flowers , ringed with wrought - iron fences . " Where is everybody ? " Evie asked . It had suddenly occurred to her that there should be people about , running errands or simply strolling along in the summer sunshine , as she and Grandma June were . " Oh , here and there , I imagine . You must remember this isn 't the city , my darling . Not nearly so many other souls here . Can you hear that ? " Grandma June tilted her head and closed her eyes . " Well , " said Grandma June , blinking , " if it 's people you want , let 's go call on Mrs . Watson , my friend I told you about , remember ? Since my company isn 't good enough for you . " She winked to show Evie she was teasing . " June ! " A door two houses down opened and a woman stepped out onto the front step , waving . Grandma June waved back , leading Evie to the garden path that ran up to Mrs . Watson 's home . Evie focused her eyes on the little diamonds in the print of Mrs . Watson 's blue dress . " It 's nice to meet you , too , " she said politely , though she couldn 't say she 'd heard much about Mrs . Watson . Only that she was one of Grandma June 's new friends here . Mrs . Watson looked to be younger than Grandma ; her hair was blonde instead of white , and she had fewer wrinkles , but Evie loved Grandma June 's wrinkles . " Well , come in , come in . I 'll put the kettle on and we can all have a nice chat . I just might be able to find some cake , too . " That made Evie smile . Cake was always a reason to smile . Mrs . Watson gave her a knowing look , and Evie relaxed . It would be nice to meet Grandma June 's new friends . Inside , the house showed a different sort of taste than Grandma June had , or Evie 's parents had . Everything was sleek , modern , in black or white or gray . Evie was slightly afraid to touch anything , and the sofa she perched on was stiff and uncomfortable . " Now , Evie , tell me everything about yourself that June here has forgotten to mention , " said Mrs . Watson , handing Evie a slice of chocolate cake . " Oh , and don 't worry a bit about the crumbs , that 's what vacuum cleaners are for . Now , I want to know all about you . " Mrs . Watson leaned forward , her eyes bright , curious . Evie 's face flushed with warmth . Um . She never quite knew what to say in these sorts of situations . Her parents had friends like this , too , who wanted to seem interested in Evie but weren 't very good at being normal about it . Adults could be very strange sometimes . " Er . I like to read ? " she said , as if she wasn 't sure herself . " I play the piano , but not very well . I don 't like broccoli . " That wasn 't everything , but she couldn 't think of anything else to say . " Well , you 're delightful , " declared Mrs . Watson . " And you 're very pretty . Do all the boys at your school chase after you ? " Evie blushed even more deeply and shook her head . Grandma June laughed . " She 's far too young for that kind of thing , Marilyn . Plenty of time for that later . " Evie ate her cake , being careful of the crumbs . Whatever Mrs . Watson had said , she didn 't want to make a mess . As she chewed , she looked around the room , but there wasn 't very much to see . A few glass vases that were quite like the teapot , really , and a shiny gray bowl filled with odd white sticks . Grandma June was laughing as she and Mrs . Watson discussed some man at their bridge club . Evie frowned . She 'd never seen her grandmother like this before , and it hadn 't been so very long since her grandfather died . Grandma June couldn 't have forgotten him already , could she ? Evie nodded . Time had passed curiously in the house ; it felt as if they 'd been there ages , but when she checked her watch , it wasn 't even lunchtime yet . Perhaps this was just the way of sleepy little villages . " Let 's go home a different way , " said Grandma June , taking Evie 's hand . All the quiet , tree - lined streets looked nearly the same to Evie , but she trusted that this was not the way they had come . She could sort of understand why Grandma liked it here , it was indeed very peaceful . The village was surrounded by rolling fields , over which , in the distance , a summer storm was brewing , the clouds dark and coiled , ready to strike . " Who lives there ? " she asked , pointing . It sat in the middle of a huge lawn , far back from the road . Weathered shingles threatened to fall off its jagged roof at any minute . Its porch was rotting , sinking into the ground , and starving ivy crawled across the dark red brick . " Why , every village has to have a creepy old house . Where else would the monster live ? " Grandma June laughed . " Oh , darling , I 'm teasing . It 's empty , so far as I know . Shame , isn 't it ? It 's a lovely old place . " They made it home before the rain , and sat reading as lighting flashed and thunder crashed and drops pelted the window . When Evie 's stomach growled - the cake had been a while ago , and breakfast a while before that - Grandma June made them sandwiches . Evie didn 't worry about getting crumbs on the sofa this time . Afternoon turned to evening , with dinner and more of their book . This was how Evie liked Grandma June , settled in a cozy living room , just the two of them . And so the new routine of their summer visit began . Every day , after breakfast , they would leave the house and go for a walk , dropping into the shop to buy milk on their way , or stopping to speak to the rare people they encountered on the street , on errands of their own or walking their dogs . Everyone they met already knew about Evie , and she had to keep coming up with things to tell them about herself . She was nine years old , she wanted to be a librarian when she grew up so she could read books all day , she liked butterflies but not caterpillars . It was certainly different to the visit they 'd had only last year . When she 'd visited Grandma at her old house in the city they had gone exploring , of course , but to zoos and museums and art galleries , and in a place with so many people they 'd almost never run into anyone Grandma knew . Here , though it was so quiet , so seemingly empty , everyone they did meet knew Grandma , and she knew them . And Grandma June was different , too . Evie couldn 't quite put her finger on how . Perhaps it was , simply , that the setting was new , and so Grandma June was a little bit new , too . Evie awoke , Henry the elephant clutched to her chest . It was still dark in her room , and she checked her watch on the nightstand , pressing the button on the side to make the little screen light up . Just after midnight . She didn 't know what had woken her , maybe there 'd been a noise outside . Her heartbeat sped . Maybe there 'd been a noise inside . She froze under the covers . If she lay very still and held her breath , she 'd be safe . But she couldn 't do that . Grandma June was old . What if there was someone in the house ? Evie had to protect her . It took all of Evie 's might to force herself from the bed , her bare feet silent on the carpet as she crept into the hallway . Moonlight shone in through the windows , the curtains open everywhere because it was supposed to be safe here in this little village . Evie rubbed her eyes . " Yes , " she said softly . The nightmare was over , but it had felt so real at the time . She 'd never had a dream like that before , where the feeling of being awake and terrified had lasted for hours , all the way until dawn . Now , in the bright summer sunlight of morning , she wasn 't sure whether she 'd left her bed at all . She didn 't think she 'd ever sleepwalked before . It had felt so real . She stared into her bowl of cereal , but all she could see was Grandma June 's face … or rather , the blank , featureless mask where her face should have been , lying against a ruffled , rose - printed pillow . It had looked like a face Evie might have sculpted from clay in one of her art classes , smooth and unwrinkled , with little marks from her fingernail for eyes , nose , mouth . Evie shook her head , clearing it of the horrible lingering nightmare . " No , " she said , squaring her shoulders . She 'd had bad dreams before - none like that , admittedly , but she 'd had them , and they always wore off . No reason to ruin a perfectly good day . " No , I 'm all right . Let 's go for another walk . " " As you wish , " said Grandma June , her smile making all her lovely wrinkles deepen . Evie breathed a sigh of relief . Everything was back to normal , the nightmare was fading already . " And for you , young lady , I have these , " said Mr . Patel , moving to a nearby table and picking up a pot of the most beautiful lilies , striped with orange . Evie startled . Grandma June must have told him those were her favorites . Evie wandered around the shop , barely listening to the discussion about how best to keep pests away from Grandma 's perfect flowers . The scent in here was almost overwhelming , but in a good way ; she breathed deeply and inspected all the different plants , orchids and sunflowers and spiky little cactuses . The memory of the nightmare was almost completely gone now , but a new thought had replaced it . She thought she might know why Grandma June seemed a little bit new here . Grandma June gave Evie a look . " And with you , I 'm Grandma June , " she said , smiling . " You 're right , you know . I 've noticed it more too since I moved here . We are all different people to different people , does that make sense ? We make friends for all kinds of reasons , and together , all those reasons make up an entire person , like you , or me . " Evie thought about this for a minute . She had her very best friend ; they always went to the library together , but at school , she played hopscotch or tag with other kids . And she thought her next - door neighbor was annoying because he was younger than her , but when he invited her up to his treehouse , he was sort of all right . Those were all different parts of Evie , but they were still all Evie . She was just seeing new sides of Grandma June , here in the new village with all her new friends . Evie blinked and squinted . She was sure she 'd seen a light in the topmost window , just visible over the roofs of the other houses . But it was off now . It was Evie 's last night with Grandma June . Part of her was sad , and part of her was not . The part that was sad would miss the reading , the gardening , the walks and apple pies . The part of her that was not wanted a good night 's sleep in her own bed , where she never had that dream . Every night since the first time , she had dreamed of waking up , getting out of bed , creeping to Grandma June 's room , seeing the featureless , clay - like face on the pillow . And every night , she had stopped herself from waking up Grandma June in the dream , afraid of what might happen if she did . Would Grandma wake up in real life ? Would Evie ? Would both of them scream at once ? Moonlight shone in through the windows . The carpet was soft under Evie 's toes . She was asleep , she knew it , but she had to follow the nightmare through to its end . Grandma June 's bedroom door opened without a squeak , and the terrifying , blank face slept on the pillow . Evie did scream this time . And it did not wake Grandma June . She wheeled around , peering into the shadowy corners . A ghostly , wispy shape hovered in front of her , its face as blank as Grandma 's . " It is so lovely to finally meet you properly , " said the shape . " Of course , I have been meeting you in all manner of ways for two weeks now . Evie , who loves lilies but not broccoli , and reading but not the girl who pulls her hair at school . " " A good question , " said the wispy thing . " I am everyone . Do you remember the conversation you had with your grandmother ? With me ? We are all different people to different people . You , my darling , are a prism , each facet of you casting a new rainbow to the chosen few who see it . " The shape shimmered in the darkness . And there , standing before her , awake and smiling , was Grandma June . The Grandma June behind Evie in the bed rolled over and muttered something in her sleep . The shape shimmered again , and there was Mrs . Watson . Again , and there was Mr . Patel from the flower shop . " I had to learn everything I could about you , " it said . " All the different things you 'd tell different people , that together make up who you are . Only then could you become part of me . " Evie , the real Evie - for she was real , wasn 't she ? Real and asleep and having the most terrible dream - closed her eyes and ran , stumbling blindly from the room , crashing into the wall , feeling her way to her own bed . She clutched Henry the elephant to her chest and refused to open her eyes until the sun was high in the sky . She waited on the porch for the familiar car , glancing between the road and all of Grandma June 's flowers . Her little green case sat beside her , and Grandma June was in one of the wicker chairs , sipping at her tea with a smile . The moment the car came into view , Evie jumped up and ran down to the driveway . " I will , " said Grandma June , kissing Evie 's mother 's cheek . " We 've had a wonderful time here . I 'm already planning all the things we 'll do next summer . " A sick feeling filled Evie 's stomach , but she forced a smile and nodded . She might have the nightmare here again , if she came back . She might have it at home , but she didn 't want to think about that . She hugged Grandma June goodbye . It felt like Grandma June . Do you hear , dear reader , that mournful wind in the hallways of our once busy abode , the insects in the walls , scuttling to and fro ? Or perhaps you saw the hastily painted sign on one of our many front doors , or peered in a window and glimpsed the layers of dust on the furniture . We have not dusted in a while , we know . In fact , we are all off adventuring in the wilds of various Continents , and are hardly ever in , except to snatch up the odd satchel of ruby - dust , or a brass periwinkle machine , or other such necessities .

Far out among the hillocks and lumps of a misty moor , there stood a house with three chimneys and four windows and six children who lived there all alone . They were very comfortable . Their house was snug and smelled of violets and clary sage , and its insides were well - stuffed with cushions and coal - stoves and crackly , yellow - paged books . Outside was a hawthorn tree and a wash - barrel and a small square of grass , and all of it was enclosed by a high stone wall , its door kept firmly locked from the outside . Now and then a woman would emerge from the fog that lay forever around the house , and would bring the children pails of fresh milk and trays of meat pies covered with linen handkerchiefs , but she almost never spoke to the children . When she did , she called them " My little lords and ladies " in a sad sort of voice . She would come very early in the morning , before the sun had risen , and would ring a brass bell to let the children know she had placed the pails and trays inside the door into the garden . Then she would go away again in a great hurry . And then there was Cripps , who was very tiny and quiet , and wandered about smelling the bristly purple flowers in the garden and poking his nose into cupboards and the tops of shelves where only spiders lived , and into the chimneys , where nothing lived , but which were very intriguing . Cripps wondered often what they were all doing in that house on the moor and why the door was always kept locked , and why the woman always went away in a hurry . He had a great deal of thoughts , but he kept them to himself so as not to ruin them . After some years , when the children were only slightly older ( there were no calendars in the house , or clocks ) , they noticed the woman had not arrived in several days , and they were very hungry . Their meat pies ran out . Their pantry became bare . Elihandra suggested they grow their own food - she 'd read about it in books , and she knew it could be done - but though they placed seeds carefully in the dirt along the north wall of the garden , and watered them , and waited patiently for their food to grow , none did . After two days , when still no one had arrived , Cripps climbed up onto the wall with the help of Betsy 's shoulders , and looked over . " There 's a shoe ! " he called down . " Poking out of the fog ! " " We 're going to have to leave , " Betsy said finally , when they were all so thin they could see their ribs and the shapes of the bones in their hands . " There 's no food , and Miss Bell - of - brass hasn 't been here in days . " ( Miss Bell - of - brass was what they called the woman with pies . ) Everyone said no , they couldn 't possibly go . Surely someone would help them . But though the children waited and waited for the tinkle of a bell , and knocked and pried at the door in the wall , no one came for them . The sounds of the moor beyond the wall became strange and unsettling where before the children had never noticed them at all . Sometimes Cripps thought he heard hands and bony fingers tapping at the door , and distant voices . Wilbur became more insufferable , and Betsy took even longer to say things , and there were quarrels that not even Elihandra cared to diffuse . After one particular angry spat , Cripps went after Betsy , who was crying , and followed her into the garden . Betsy was scrubbing a shirt at the washboard , though it wasn 't dirty , and Cripps slipped his hands into the soap and helped her . " I think we should go , " Cripps whispered , very softly . " I think we should escape . " But Betsy only cried and cried . " We 'll climb over the wall , " said Elihandra . And so they did . The very same day , the six of them built a ladder out of all the chairs in the house , scaled it unsteadily , and leaped down the other side of the wall . They had not gone more than twenty paces when they came upon the woman who had brought them their milk and pies . She had been mostly eaten . There was blood all down her front , and all over the gorse around her , as if the moor had bloomed briefly in spatters of crimson flowers . After a while , they came to a town . It was crackly , rust - brown and mossy , and all the gables and chimneys leaned in one direction , as though at one point a giant had attempted to flatten the town with a hot - iron . The children walked down its street , staring around them at all the dark , locked - up houses . And though the doors were all closed and the shutters bolted , they were sure the town was not abandoned . They thought they saw figures moving in the mist , and heard people going about their business within the houses . When they passed a tall , pointed window , they heard a breathless , frail voice from beyond the shutters . " Go away , " it said , delicate as bird bones and rattling with fear . " Go back to your own place . We have nothing to give you . " A hand went up to the window , and an old face peered out . " Off with you , children , " said an old woman , her cheeks rosy and her eyes black and bright . " You are not welcome here ! " The children put their heads together and conferred . Then , because Elihandra was the politest , she said : " Could you give us something to eat , please ? We 're very hungry . " " Hungry ? " the woman said . " Aren 't we all : hungry and cold . We have our own troubles here . Be gone . And beware the hunter ! " The children did not want to be gone . They were tired and starving , and they could see a fire burning beyond the casement of the old woman 's house , and they supposed if they could have gone inside , they might have been able to beware the hunter better ( whoever that might be ) . They stood below the window in the lilac bush , looking up wretchedly and hoping she would change her mind , but then the old woman came out onto the doorstep , and her two old sisters with her , and they stood there in their starched aprons and clean caps , and shooed the children away , cawing and crying like a trio of ancient birds . The children left the town and followed a road , on and on into the fog . Their feet hurt and the slippers they had worn at the three - chimneyed house had gone threadbare and ragged , but there was nothing for them to do but walk . After a while they came upon a gang of boys . " Hurry , " one of them said , soft and desperate . " Hurry ! Run ! They 've seen us . They 'll catch us all , and what will they do with us ? " And then the entire pack - as if they were one single body - turned and fled into the fog , giggling in a piercing , frantic way , like a cry . The six children stared after the tattered boys , and then wandered on . They walked for what felt like days . It was difficult to tell , because there was no sun or moon in this fog , and it never seemed to become darker or lighter . They could not exactly sleep , because somewhere at the edge of their senses someone was always murmuring or laughing . Once , Cripps looked over his shoulder and was sure he saw the woman who brought them their milk standing at a break in the drifting mist , her front wet and shiny with blood . When they had been walking a very long time and were hardly more than bones , Elihandra stopped abruptly with a cry , and felt about her back . Several black strings extended from it , stretching away into the fog . It was as if she had snagged her coat on something and unraveled it on and on behind her . And when the other five children looked behind themselves , they saw that all of them had threads in their arms and their backs , vanishing back into the mist . But in the end , they could not agree what the strings were for , and because they could not rip or break them , they decided to follow them to see where they ended . It became a sort of game . They wrapped the coarse threads around their arms until they each had a coil of it , and they began to move more quickly and talk amongst themselves and dart among the hillocks , leaping like sprites , and they didn 't feel quite as tired anymore . . . . Next went John and Calendula , their strings cut at the exact same moment . " Off you go ! " the hunter said , almost merrily . " This is no place for you to wander . " " Onward , silly ! " replied the hunter . " And you should , too ! And where is the woman ? I haven 't found her yet , the poor soul who died at the door to your cottage . They made it look like a wolf did it , but it was so savage , I think only a human could have . I 'll find her soon , and ask her . " " She was one of the few who knew you were there , " the hunter said , " far out on Wickham Heath . " The hunter 's eyes skipped across the children , and glimmered not unkindly from under his hat . " And I 'm afraid someone wanted there to be one fewer who knew . You 're the kings ' children , that 's the trouble . But kings mustn 't have too many children , and when they do , the children must be hidden far away . Poor things . It 's not your fault , what happened . " And then the hunter said : " I catch all the lost souls and set them free . " What ? thought Cripps . Elihandra was gone now , and even Calendula and John had wandered off , hand in hand into the fog , which now seemed even thicker and colder than before . The remaining three children stared at the hunter . They were very tired . They were gaunt and sleepy , and all they wanted was to find the end of the black strings , and perhaps sleep a while , and so when the hunter approached them , they leaped on him and tore his blunderbuss from his hands and blew his head off . " Why 'd you do that ? " he demanded , but Betsy , Wilbur , and Cripps were already running away , following their strings , looping them haphazardly over their shoulders . They ran and ran and ran , thumping across the moor . They passed through the flattened town again , and they saw the three old sisters with strings extending from their backs , too , sweeping the step of their house inside the lilac shrub . They passed the rowdy boys again , and saw they were all tangled up together , their strings knotted like the tails of a rat king , hurtling through the mist like a desperate comet , shouting : " Get away ! Get away , they 'll catch us ! " The children came at last to a high stone wall . The threads went over it and disappeared . The three children stood on each other 's shoulders and pulled each other up and dropped down the other side . There was the cottage , the hawthorn tree , the three chimneys and four windows . Only now there were six skeletons on the chairs in the cottage , and the chairs had not been removed at all , or stacked against the wall . The six children had not escaped . They had sat on their chairs and waited . Substitutes are the worst obviously , but this one wasn 't so bad . She was pretty , for one thing , with a snub nose and eyes sort of permanently smiling at you . And she was pretty nice , without being goopy . She just seemed regular . We liked her . My friend Mariela went before me . Her project was on lobotomies , where they stick a needle in your eye to kill a bad part of your brain . Or it turns out now they do it in surgery , but in the past they used to stick a needle through your eye into your brain . And this is not like a hundred years ago , but even in the 1960s and 1970s ! Gross . My project was " Extraterrestrial Life - ALIENS AMONG US . " The title was kind of corny because obviously there aren 't real aliens . But some people think there are alien microbes around . In fact some people think that 's actually how life on earth got started even , maybe - some alien microbes landed here and life started growing from them . " Got a second , Aisha ? " she said . " I loved your project . Lovely work . Let 's talk a bit more . Maybe we should consider this project for the district science fair . " I have always wanted to be in that big fair , and I had worked so hard on this project . I know it sounds stupid , but just , I was excited . I pulled a chair up to her desk and sat down . " Why do you think alien microbes might still be visiting ? " she asked . Her long red nail was sort of drawing along her grade book , like she didn 't notice it . Her eyes were on me , warm and brown . " What do you think they want ? " " Oh , well , " I said . I was stumbling a little because I wasn 't sure what she meant . " They 're just microbes so . . . I don 't think they want or don 't want things . " Noah had done his on toxoplasmosis , which is where cats spread this microbe around , and when mice eat the microbe , they start liking cats and being super friendly to them . It 's like this bug whispers in their brains that Cats are the best ! No reason to be afraid of cats ! And once they stop being afraid of cats , well , they 're a lot easier for the cats to catch . Which is convenient for the cats . But it 's bad for the mice they kill and eat . The substitute was leaning over me now , looking at my presentation on my school iPad . Her hair was touching my hair . She put one long pretty finger on my iPad , like she was about to make a point about something there . I felt weird , like she was too close . Her arms were making a cage around me . And she had pushed in so that my chair was scootched all the way to the desk , so I couldn 't even slip down . My heart started beating a little hard , like it was scared for no good reason . She 's nice , though , I told myself . She 's really , really nice . At first I hardly noticed . Our regular teacher came back the next day , and she wasn 't as nice , and she said my science project was Nonsense and not only would I not be going to the district science fair , I would have to start all over with a new idea just to get a passing grade . I couldn 't believe it . I had to go to the library to find a new topic . They let me on the computer for twenty minutes to google around about it . I didn 't really have any ideas . But then all of a sudden , I did . Or this thing in my head did , this thing that wasn 't me . It made my hands type out " Dr . Cynthia Weinstein new vaccine " in the google box . Which , I have never even heard that name before . And something came up ! I was so freaked out from my hands typing on their own I almost got out of the chair , but my body stayed where it was and made me read the first article . Which was hard because it was pretty sciencey , but apparently this Dr . Weinstein had invented a flu vaccine that she said would prevent not just this year 's flu , like most vaccines , but all flu , ever . You take this vaccine once when you 're a kid , and never get the flu ! Yeah , that would be good for a science project . But : I didn 't want to do a science project on something my hands typed out without my permission . So I tried to get up . But my body stayed sitting . It turned to the librarian , all straight and proper , and this thing in my head said to the librarian , " Miss ? I wonder if may I print this article , please ? " For the next week , I fought with the thing in my head . It wanted me to do my science project , but I wouldn 't . I stayed in my room playing Minecraft instead . I stopped looking in the mirror , because when I looked in the mirror I saw my eyes were half scared and half hard and angry . The scared part was me . But even though I tried , that thing got better and better at using me . It made me hold the back of my neck stiff and hard , so it ached at night . It wouldn 't let me just do things , he had to be mean about it . It talked with my mouth , it sounded fake . It answered in class in its stupid prissy voice and made everyone hate me , even my friends . One night I before I went to bed , I saw the article . I didn 't want to see it , it was scary , so I flipped it over . But when I did I saw something , and I picked it up after all . The microbe this doctor wanted to use in the vaccine - the name of it , a long scientific name , sounded familiar . I went to get my old science project on the aliens . The thing in my head didn 't WANT me to , it made my fingers so stiff I had to pushed on the iPad with flat fingers . I looked again at that article the librarian printed out . It had a picture of Dr Cynthia Weinstein . And her face had that same look I see in the mirror . Her eyes were scared , with something hard and angry standing behind them . The microbes want me to do my science project on this new vaccine , I thought . Because they want everyone to take the new vaccine . Because then everyone will be like me . But they can 't , even my mom can 't . I think they think I 'm the fake - but it 's not me ! It 's these imposter microbes or aliens or whatever ! I 'm going to kill that lying thing before it destroys me , before it destroys the whole world . While I 'm still here to know I 'm not that thing , I 'm going to kill it . I 'm going to kill it . I won 't be a mouse in love with a cat . The truth of the matter was somewhat different : Jeanie had never actually seen a dead body , at least not a human one . The six she had found in the stream - bed were rats that had been surprised in their holes by a flashflood and washed out , all matted fur and yellow , translucent claws . Jeanie had never put anyone in jail either . Her only case so far had been finding old Mrs . Brodzinksi 's cat in the storm - drain , and then running all the way back to Mrs . Brodzinksi 's house and waiting on the rickety porch until Mrs . Brodzinksi came home and telephoned the fire department . But - and Jeanie was quite firm on this - none of that mattered . Just because something wasn 't true now , didn 't mean it would never be true . She would be named Stella Goldfish one day . She would be a detective , and if people laughed at her , well , they would just have to solve their own murder cases . Her way to achieve her goals , she had decided , was to catch a killer . Murder was the worst sort of crime you could commit . Even the word sounded dreadful - MURDER - all red and raw and awful . So it stood to reason that if you could catch a murderer you had to be pretty bright . You had to be fearless and brave and better . Jeanie had already imagined many times a scenario in which she found one . They were either great grizzled men with beards , or shivery , wild - eyed women in nightdresses , or sometimes a pumpkin with a knife . ( Jeanie didn 't quite believe that last one , but she had dreamed about it one night , and had henceforth always regarded pumpkins with suspicion ) . Jeanie 's parents were not best pleased with her pastime . Neither was her older brother , who wore spectacles and ratty sweatpants , and always seemed to find something wrong with everything Jeanie did . He often gave her long speeches about the ill - effects of having morbid interests , but whenever he started on those Jeanie made a point not to listen to him . At breakfast , her father would look over his newspaper at her . She hardly noticed , was usually busy reading How to Sharpen your Powers of Observance in 10 Simple Steps , whil her eggs grew cold and congealed in greasy puddles on her plate . He would say , " Jeanie , I think if you found a murderer , you wouldn 't know what to do with him , " at which Jeanie eyed him sharply over the top of her book and said , " It might not be a ' him ' . Ladies kill people , too , sometimes . " At which point her father lost all interest in the conversation . Jeanie and her parents and her dull brother lived outside a town that was very small , in one of those brown , scraggly states that no one really talks about except to express dismay at their voting habits . Her house was out on a long stretch of highway , and there were fields around it for miles , no trees , just lots of brown dead grasses , waving like so many dry , thin dancers . Sometimes Jeanie would sit in the yard and peer out toward the fluttering brown sea and imagine what might be going on in there , or just beyond the horizon - line . It was lonely out here . It was lonely in Bucky Creek , too , because it took ages to become friendly with people . Once you did , you started to wonder whether you really knew them , or whether they simply knew you . The Kramers had moved into the house about two years ago , after Jeanie 's parents became convinced the city was too dangerous to raise a family . Jeanie had not been happy about the move . The Kramer house was a low , one - story get - up , with a few shingles missing and a screen - door with a too - quick spring that snapped shut on your heels if you weren 't quick enough . There was a patch of lawn and a few dark bushes and a creaky swing - set and not much else . It was exactly the sort of house , that , when you pass by on a long road trip , you wondered with a pang of pity what sort of sad , going - nowhere people must live there , and sometimes when Jeanie walked home she thought the same thing . She had not been as keen on murderers as a six - year - old as she was now as an eight - year - old . It had happened slowly . The kids at school were farm kids who had so many brothers and sisters they didn 't need anyone else . They didn 't have time for games , and they talked about livestock a lot . None of them really liked detectives . And Jeanie had decided that if she couldn 't fit in , she had to stand out wildly . She got used to the town . She got used to the library . The house wasn 't so bad on closer inspection , and once you stepped safely through the screen door it was actually quite homey ; it had a TV and running water and all that , which some people maybe would not have guessed at first glance . But there were no murderers . Jeanie had checked . She had even checked the shed far out in the fields behind the house . It had looked very promising , but had proved to be empty . Jeanie made a sign and colored it yellow and put it in the driveway . It said , " Stella Goldfish , private - eye , 2 $ " and unfortunately that had not turned out well . Her brother had laughed uproariously when he saw it , and Jeanie had stared at him , confused , because she thought it was a good sign . When he had calmed down enough to speak , he asked , " What happens when they pay 2 dollars ? Do they get to keep you ? There 's a no - returns policy , I hope ? " And then he started laughing again , and Jeanie shook her head and furrowed her brow and said , " No , then I solve their cases , duh . " But her stupid brother hadn 't stopped laughing . No one responded to the sign . Maybe the people in the cars driving by laughed , too , when they saw it , or maybe they saw the house beyond , and the brown fields , and had that twinge of pity , thinking , " What sort of sad , going - nowhere people live here ? " And it made Jeanie angry because she didn 't want to be a sad , going nowhere person . She wanted to be someone . She wanted people to stop laughing , and she wanted to do something brave and wonderful like Arthur Conan or Nancy Drew . No one ever laughed at them , did they ? Jeanie went to the library . " Hello , " she said at the desk . " I need some books about murder . " The librarian was a nice - looking person with frizzy hair , who said , " Oh , you mean mysteries . Well , I don 't know if they have murder in them , but let me find you something . " She came back a few minutes later with three small , bright books that had children in sneakers and flashlights on the covers , and titles with exclamation points . Jeanie looked at the books and looked at the librarian . The librarian smiled at her , waving the books encouragingly . Jeanie sighed . She knew the librarian meant well , but she also knew that these were not the sorts of books she needed . Jeanie blew a strand of hair out of her face and picked up one of the history books despondently . She began to read . The history book was surprisingly good . It didn 't tell her the really necessary things , like how victims were identified when they had been dead for a while , or what the police did when they knew someone was guilty but he wouldn 't confess . But there were nuggets here and there that intrigued her . It seemed that this particular county , with its brittle yards and ochre - colored houses , had just as many terrible people as anywhere . The difference was simply that they lived very far apart from one another , and no one ever spoke of the bad things that happened . They knew . Everyone knew . But they didn 't tell outsiders . They didn 't tell book - writers ; they didn 't even tell the police necessarily . Jeanie read about a few cases the book - writer had been able to glean - a woman who drove off a bridge , and a man who stayed in his house so long that when they found him he was covered in dust and cobwebs , still breathing , because his dog had brought him sparrows and blackbirds to eat . Jeanie 's eyes grew wider and wider as she read , and the clock ticked , and the shadows grew longer . The librarian came by once or twice just to make sure she was okay , and probably also to make sure Jeanie didn 't make a run for the Criminology shelf . The Raincoat Killer : 22 years ago , in the sleepy town of Bucky Creek , a shocking murder tore through the community . An entire family slain . Remains never found . Perpetrator vanished without a trace , presumed dead . All that was recovered from the crime scene was a shred of plastic , probably belonging to a raincoat . Jeanie 's heart squeezed . She was suddenly glad for the librarian hovering around and shelving books and making friendly , normal noises . The murderer had been identified immediately , but somehow before the police could arrest him he had gone into the grasslands and no one had ever seen him again . They found some evidence later , but no one ever found the remains of his victims . The murders had taken place in one of the houses in Bucky Creek , and it was still standing , and there was a black - and - white photograph of a knife that - Jeanie closed the book with snap and looked over at the librarian , who was humming and flipping through a notepad , casting Jeanie nervous glances . Jeanie sat very still , breathing shallowly . Then she scooted off her chair and hurried out of the library . She didn 't think about what she had read . She was not even sure she had read it . It was half in and half out of her brain , and somehow it was in just enough to disturb her a lot . She thought of the murderer , imagined him a man with silvered glasses walking along the street in his gray raincoat . She thought of the nice people who stopped for him , and she wondered where they might have gone had they not stopped . It made her feel cold and sad and hollow . She thought about going home , but she felt she ought to investigate now . She was closer than ever . A murder had happened right here in Bucky Creek and no one had ever solved it . One part of her , deep , deep down , was telling her she shouldn 't go snooping anymore , and she wasn 't sure why because it was all she had wanted to do for years now . She wasn 't afraid , not of murderers . But something told her she might be afraid of this one . She wandered all up Bucky Creek 's main street , then down its only side street , one called Peachtree Drive , even though there were no peach trees and probably never had been . She peeked in windows and crept over scraggly lawns , quiet and sharp - eyed . She looked everywhere for clues . She saw bad things , that was for sure , things no one should really see , garbages full of glass bottles , quiet fights , and whispered words behind a wood - stack . But it was not enough , and it wasn 't what she needed . After a while , she went to Mrs . Brodzinski 's house and stood with a stick , banging it against the mailbox post . She saw old Mrs . Brodzinski on her porch and walked over . The woman was crying , her white hair stuck to her face . " Why are you crying ? " Jeanie asked , peering at her from below , and Mrs . Brodzinski 's head came up with a start . She didn 't answer , just stared at Jeanie , wide - eyed . Jeanie wandered off , but she couldn 't get Mrs . Brodzinski 's words out of her head . It wasn 't mean , the way she 'd said it . It was so sad . Jeanie went to the bus stop and waited for the bus to take her home . It was a gray , windy evening . She sat down on the bench next to a woman who was chewing gum and flipping through an envelope of static - y , freshly developed photos . The woman smiled at Jeanie , but Jeanie didn 't smile back . She was busy thinking . The police had never caught the Raincoat Killer . Ever . They never found all his victims . This was her chance . She would search the town far and wide , look into windows , use her very sharpest observational skills . She would find him . . . But what Jeanie didn 't know was that she already had . A third figure was waiting at the bus - stop . Behind the bench where Jeanie and the gum - chewing woman sat , behind the glass of the bus - stop 's wind - break a huge , gray man loomed . He had hunched shoulders and a great , gray coat with a piece missing . She looked back in that direction several times but she didn 't see him , right there on the other side of the glass , standing among the wet leaves and shrubs that grew close and tangled behind the bus - stop . Jeanie shivered one last time as the bus pulled up , and climbed in . She didn 't see the figure behind the glass flicker , like film , skipping frames . As the bus took her out of the town and down the road , she thought she saw someone there on the shoulder , blurred by the windows . But the bus was going fast and it was getting dark and she couldn 't be sure it wasn 't just a friendly farmer . She did think it was watching her , though , standing still , eyes following the bus as it passed . She had to walk the last distance from the bus - stop to her house . She got off and started along the ditch next to the road . She didn 't even bother going into the house , which was oddly dark for so late in the day . She went around the back , and pulling her raincoat around her , hurried into the fields . There was that shed , far out back . She had investigated it before , but had she dug in the dirt floor ? She walked through the brown grasses , poking along with her stick . The wind flittered through the top of them . Faraway she heard crows calling , and suddenly she wondered if there was not another sound , a drifting , sighing sound a few feet away in the sea of brown . But she ignored it and began humming , walking , humming , poking with her stick . It was a big field , but Jeanie always kept a compass with her , and she knew which way was home . She walked until she came to a tiny clearing , where there was a twisted black tree . She stopped and stared up at it . The brown grass made a clearing around the tree , and she saw the tree was full of blackbirds , silent , watching her . She crept around the tree and kept going into the field . And all at once she stepped out from a particularly high clump of shrubs and found herself face - to - face with the shed . She dropped her stick and hurried toward it . It was small , leaning , almost tipping over , its back facing a ditch full of stagnant water , an old creek - bed maybe , overgrown with brush . She knelt down on the floor , scratching in the dirt . She did not see as the gray figure came and stood in the doorway behind her . She found a bit of a flannel shirt , a hammer , a ring . . . and all the while the figure in the door stood , motionless in that wrinkled gray raincoat , eyes hidden behind silver glasses . The door began to close with a creak . Jeanie looked up with a start . She didn 't look over her shoulder , but suddenly she felt very cold . She knew , she just knew that the ground under her was a lacework of skeletons , a white tangle of bones extending into the earth . And she knew there was someone behind her . The figure didn 't answer . The door was almost closed , the faint gray light from outside becoming narrower and narrower across the floor . Jeanie turned her eyes downwards , watching the triangle turn to a thread . Her breathing sped up . The other girl began to whisper . Her face was hidden in the shadow of her coat 's hood . Her hands were clenched at her sides . " Your brother is so annoying . So is Mrs . Gilthrope . They 're all so stupid and mean . They laugh . They laugh at you . Gacker - gacker - gacker . " " They all know , Jeanie , " the girl said . " The librarian , Mrs . Brodzinski , that woman on the bus . They see you , but they never talk about it , because nothing bad ever happens in Bucky Creek . " A pair of spectacles . Ratty sweatpants . A wedding ring . A brother , a mother , a father , rumpled under a thin skin of earth . And far out in the fields another body , one no one had ever found , even though her coat was bright red , like a stoplight . The shed door crashed open . The girl was gone . Jeanie chased her . Back , back through the fields , past the tree full of black birds . Jeanie 's head was buzzing . In the distance - the direction of the house - she heard a sound , a clattering , maybe voices , but it was being drowned out by the cloaked hum inside her skull . She ran faster , faster , and she could have sworn she heard screams , the screen - door snapping open - closed - open - closed as people ran through it in a panic . . . She arrived at the house . All was silent . There was the girl again , standing still , looking down at the bare earth at her feet . The knife was still in her hand . Jeanie tackled her and the blade spun away , and she ripped the hood from the girl 's head . It was like a string had been cut , like a door had been battered down inside Jeanie 's head . It was herself she was looking at . Jeanie Kramer , in her favorite red raincoat and muddy galoshes . Pasty and wide - eyed , her lips blue , her skin pocked with black , turning to decay , like old china . Six dead bodies in the stream - bed at Willow Crossing . The spout of a hose pressed to the black , wet dirt , to the mouth of the warren , rats squeezing out , gasping for breath and then washed away . She had gathered them up and took them though the town , a lonely , desperate ghost , looking for anyone who would listen to her , listen to her whisper about how someone had murdered , someone awful , not her , not her , someone worse . She wanted so much . She wanted someone to know what she had done . She wanted someone to find her bones and bury her . She didn 't want people to forget her . She wanted to be a detective . . . " I caught one , " she said crazily , and wandered down the driveway . It looked for a moment as if she were wringing her hands , her dirty fingers pinched tight around each other . But then it became clear that she was gripping her own arm , guiding herself along . " I caught one ! " Well now , what have we here ? A new story , collected from the adventures that have kept us so long away ? By carrier pigeon and smoke signal , letters in the sky and messages sent on the wind , your four Curators have kept in contact even as we each traveled to the most far - flung , forgotten corners of worlds both real and decidedly not . We always knew we would return , and that our joyous reunion would be alight with tales of the things we had seen . Stuffed to the gills with cake and thrilled to all be in the same place again , we held our curious new treasures up to the light and debated where each might best fit in our Cabinet . Now , you might well imagine that on our journeys we encountered all manner of people , creatures , and objects , most - if not all - of which were not at first what they seemed to be . For that reason , our newest collection is on the theme of imposters . The car pulled up outside a tiny house on a narrow street in a small village . None of it was familiar except Evie 's grandmother , already waiting on the front porch . Evie waved through the window and smushed her face up against the glass as her mother parked in the driveway . Grandma June waved back , a smile eating up all the wrinkles on her face . The moment the car stopped , Evie yanked off her seatbelt and jumped out , running up to get her hug . Grandma June gave her lots of hugs in the week or two they spent together every summer , but this first one was always the best . Soft and squishy and perfumed with roses and talcum powder . " Good , " gasped Evie . Grandma let her go , and together they waited for Evie 's parents to join them with Evie 's small , green suitcase . Her mother had originally picked out a pink one , but no , Evie had wanted the green , the color of the apple skins that littered the kitchen counter while the smell of baking pie filled grandma 's house . They always baked a pie on their first day together , and they 'd eat it with ice cream for dinner , making a pact not to tell Evie 's parents that there hadn 't been a vegetable in sight . But it would be a different house this time , a different kitchen counter . Grandma June used to live in a city almost the same size as the one Evie lived in , but a few months ago , she had decided the hustle and bustle was more than she could take in her old age . She wanted quiet , she said , and to go to the shop for milk without a thousand people getting in her way , or huffing rudely because she wasn 't quick on her feet anymore . She had moved while Evie was still in school , so Evie had stayed with her best friend for several days while her parents had helped Grandma June move everything she wanted to keep to this tiny house . " Are you settled in ? " asked Evie 's father . " Enjoying it here ? It 's very quiet , isn 't it ? We didn 't see a single person on the way through . " " Oh , yes , " said Grandma June . " Quiet , for certain , but I was after quiet ! I do have a new bridge club here with some lovely friends , and a very nice young man comes to cut my grass , though I tell him every time that he 's not to touch my flowers , and the sweet people at the grocery store know my name and fetch the things I can 't reach . Now , will you stay for a drink ? We could have it out here , " she said , pointing at the wicker furniture . " It 's such a beautiful summer day , I made lemonade . Mrs . Hill down the road gave me lemons from her tree . " " I 'll help , " said Evie . She wanted to see inside the house . Grandma 's old house , where she 'd lived with Granddad before he died , had been big and tall , full of so many rooms that Evie had always been able to pick which bedroom she wanted to sleep in on the trip . This house was only one floor , Evie saw that from the outside , and when she stepped in , she could see practically the whole place from the front door . A kitchen was to the left , and a living room to the right , and ahead was a hallway with two bedrooms and a bathroom leading off it . It was very different , but it smelled like Grandma , all roses and talcum powder , and that was the most important thing . As was tradition , Evie 's parents stayed for a drink and a bit of a rest after the drive , then they kissed Evie and Grandma June goodbye and got back in the car . They would go home , back to their jobs , leaving Evie and Grandma June to get up to whatever mischief they could find to get into . Evie was the only grandchild , so she and her grandmother had all of that special kind of mischief to themselves , just between the two of them . Grandma June had taught her how to knit , and bake , and play chess so well Evie could beat her father at it now , and she was only ten . They did all kinds of fun activities together . Besides making apple pie , the other thing they 'd do today is choose a book from Grandma 's shelves , and spend evenings taking turns reading it out loud . First , however , there was some housekeeping to do . They put the empty glasses in the sink and then Grandma June showed Evie her new bedroom , the empty chest of drawers into which Evie could unpack the clothes from her little green suitcase . All right , so she didn 't have bedrooms to choose from anymore , but she recognized the furniture from Grandma 's old house , and there , in the middle of the pillows , was an old , threadbare stuffed elephant . At home , with her parents , Evie swore she was too grown up for stuffed animals , but it was unthinkable to sleep at Grandma June 's without Henry . Evie looked forward to seeing his ragged trunk every summer almost as much as she looked forward to seeing Grandma June . They put away Evie 's things and returned to the kitchen , where the bowl of apples waited . While Grandma peeled , Evie mixed together the butter and flour for the crust . The oven heated up , slowly warming the room around it on an already warm day , but it wasn 't unpleasant . It felt cozy , it felt like living inside all the happy memories Evie had of Grandma June , even while they were making a new one . " How was school , my darling ? " Grandma June asked , using a very sharp knife to slice the apples . " I 'm not sure your letters told me everything . " " Well , " said Evie , " Beth wasn 't in my class this year . I missed her . I kept getting paired up with Melissa Jones for projects , and she hates me . She pinched me all the time when Mr . Watson wasn 't looking . " " No , " said Evie . Some things she just didn 't want to tell them , she didn 't want to worry them , but it was safe and warm here . " It 's all right now . Hopefully she won 't be in my class when we go back to school , and Beth will . " Grandma June nodded in time with the slicing knife . " You are a little ray of sunshine , aren 't you ? Always looking on the bright side . You get that from me . Which reminds me , we 're going to have tea with a friend of mine tomorrow . I 've been telling her all about you since the day I moved here and she was the first person I met in the street , and she 's simply desperate to meet my little Evie . " " That sounds fun , " said Evie . " Have you made many friends here ? " She didn 't want Grandma June to be lonely in this new place . " Oh , yes , " said Grandma June . " In a small place like this , you get to know everyone in the blink of an eye , and heaven forbid you have a secret ! Tell one person , and five minutes later everyone 'll know it . " Grandma June chuckled . " They 're not really secrets . It 's nice to feel welcomed here , part of the community . It 's much harder to feel like that in a big city . " They ate it for dinner , its warmth melting the scoops of ice cream Grandma put on top of both their slices . Evie licked her plate clean , and Grandma June pretended not to notice . Full and happy , they curled up together on the same flowered sofa that had been in Grandma June 's old house , with a book from the same bookshelves . When the sun set outside the picture window and the room grew dim , Grandma June switched on a lamp and they kept reading until Evie 's eyelids began to droop and she yawned between the words . Morning came , Evie 's first full day with Grandma June . After breakfast , Evie put on her shoes and took Grandma 's hand as the two of them headed off to see the village . Everything was new to Evie , the shops and little cottages and pretty squares , laid with grass and flowers , ringed with wrought - iron fences . " Where is everybody ? " Evie asked . It had suddenly occurred to her that there should be people about , running errands or simply strolling along in the summer sunshine , as she and Grandma June were . " Oh , here and there , I imagine . You must remember this isn 't the city , my darling . Not nearly so many other souls here . Can you hear that ? " Grandma June tilted her head and closed her eyes . " Well , " said Grandma June , blinking , " if it 's people you want , let 's go call on Mrs . Watson , my friend I told you about , remember ? Since my company isn 't good enough for you . " She winked to show Evie she was teasing . " June ! " A door two houses down opened and a woman stepped out onto the front step , waving . Grandma June waved back , leading Evie to the garden path that ran up to Mrs . Watson 's home . Evie focused her eyes on the little diamonds in the print of Mrs . Watson 's blue dress . " It 's nice to meet you , too , " she said politely , though she couldn 't say she 'd heard much about Mrs . Watson . Only that she was one of Grandma June 's new friends here . Mrs . Watson looked to be younger than Grandma ; her hair was blonde instead of white , and she had fewer wrinkles , but Evie loved Grandma June 's wrinkles . " Well , come in , come in . I 'll put the kettle on and we can all have a nice chat . I just might be able to find some cake , too . " That made Evie smile . Cake was always a reason to smile . Mrs . Watson gave her a knowing look , and Evie relaxed . It would be nice to meet Grandma June 's new friends . Inside , the house showed a different sort of taste than Grandma June had , or Evie 's parents had . Everything was sleek , modern , in black or white or gray . Evie was slightly afraid to touch anything , and the sofa she perched on was stiff and uncomfortable . " Now , Evie , tell me everything about yourself that June here has forgotten to mention , " said Mrs . Watson , handing Evie a slice of chocolate cake . " Oh , and don 't worry a bit about the crumbs , that 's what vacuum cleaners are for . Now , I want to know all about you . " Mrs . Watson leaned forward , her eyes bright , curious . Evie 's face flushed with warmth . Um . She never quite knew what to say in these sorts of situations . Her parents had friends like this , too , who wanted to seem interested in Evie but weren 't very good at being normal about it . Adults could be very strange sometimes . " Er . I like to read ? " she said , as if she wasn 't sure herself . " I play the piano , but not very well . I don 't like broccoli . " That wasn 't everything , but she couldn 't think of anything else to say . " Well , you 're delightful , " declared Mrs . Watson . " And you 're very pretty . Do all the boys at your school chase after you ? " Evie blushed even more deeply and shook her head . Grandma June laughed . " She 's far too young for that kind of thing , Marilyn . Plenty of time for that later . " Evie ate her cake , being careful of the crumbs . Whatever Mrs . Watson had said , she didn 't want to make a mess . As she chewed , she looked around the room , but there wasn 't very much to see . A few glass vases that were quite like the teapot , really , and a shiny gray bowl filled with odd white sticks . Grandma June was laughing as she and Mrs . Watson discussed some man at their bridge club . Evie frowned . She 'd never seen her grandmother like this before , and it hadn 't been so very long since her grandfather died . Grandma June couldn 't have forgotten him already , could she ? Evie nodded . Time had passed curiously in the house ; it felt as if they 'd been there ages , but when she checked her watch , it wasn 't even lunchtime yet . Perhaps this was just the way of sleepy little villages . " Let 's go home a different way , " said Grandma June , taking Evie 's hand . All the quiet , tree - lined streets looked nearly the same to Evie , but she trusted that this was not the way they had come . She could sort of understand why Grandma liked it here , it was indeed very peaceful . The village was surrounded by rolling fields , over which , in the distance , a summer storm was brewing , the clouds dark and coiled , ready to strike . " Who lives there ? " she asked , pointing . It sat in the middle of a huge lawn , far back from the road . Weathered shingles threatened to fall off its jagged roof at any minute . Its porch was rotting , sinking into the ground , and starving ivy crawled across the dark red brick . " Why , every village has to have a creepy old house . Where else would the monster live ? " Grandma June laughed . " Oh , darling , I 'm teasing . It 's empty , so far as I know . Shame , isn 't it ? It 's a lovely old place . " They made it home before the rain , and sat reading as lighting flashed and thunder crashed and drops pelted the window . When Evie 's stomach growled - the cake had been a while ago , and breakfast a while before that - Grandma June made them sandwiches . Evie didn 't worry about getting crumbs on the sofa this time . Afternoon turned to evening , with dinner and more of their book . This was how Evie liked Grandma June , settled in a cozy living room , just the two of them . And so the new routine of their summer visit began . Every day , after breakfast , they would leave the house and go for a walk , dropping into the shop to buy milk on their way , or stopping to speak to the rare people they encountered on the street , on errands of their own or walking their dogs . Everyone they met already knew about Evie , and she had to keep coming up with things to tell them about herself . She was nine years old , she wanted to be a librarian when she grew up so she could read books all day , she liked butterflies but not caterpillars . It was certainly different to the visit they 'd had only last year . When she 'd visited Grandma at her old house in the city they had gone exploring , of course , but to zoos and museums and art galleries , and in a place with so many people they 'd almost never run into anyone Grandma knew . Here , though it was so quiet , so seemingly empty , everyone they did meet knew Grandma , and she knew them . And Grandma June was different , too . Evie couldn 't quite put her finger on how . Perhaps it was , simply , that the setting was new , and so Grandma June was a little bit new , too . Evie awoke , Henry the elephant clutched to her chest . It was still dark in her room , and she checked her watch on the nightstand , pressing the button on the side to make the little screen light up . Just after midnight . She didn 't know what had woken her , maybe there 'd been a noise outside . Her heartbeat sped . Maybe there 'd been a noise inside . She froze under the covers . If she lay very still and held her breath , she 'd be safe . But she couldn 't do that . Grandma June was old . What if there was someone in the house ? Evie had to protect her . It took all of Evie 's might to force herself from the bed , her bare feet silent on the carpet as she crept into the hallway . Moonlight shone in through the windows , the curtains open everywhere because it was supposed to be safe here in this little village . Evie rubbed her eyes . " Yes , " she said softly . The nightmare was over , but it had felt so real at the time . She 'd never had a dream like that before , where the feeling of being awake and terrified had lasted for hours , all the way until dawn . Now , in the bright summer sunlight of morning , she wasn 't sure whether she 'd left her bed at all . She didn 't think she 'd ever sleepwalked before . It had felt so real . She stared into her bowl of cereal , but all she could see was Grandma June 's face … or rather , the blank , featureless mask where her face should have been , lying against a ruffled , rose - printed pillow . It had looked like a face Evie might have sculpted from clay in one of her art classes , smooth and unwrinkled , with little marks from her fingernail for eyes , nose , mouth . Evie shook her head , clearing it of the horrible lingering nightmare . " No , " she said , squaring her shoulders . She 'd had bad dreams before - none like that , admittedly , but she 'd had them , and they always wore off . No reason to ruin a perfectly good day . " No , I 'm all right . Let 's go for another walk . " " As you wish , " said Grandma June , her smile making all her lovely wrinkles deepen . Evie breathed a sigh of relief . Everything was back to normal , the nightmare was fading already . " And for you , young lady , I have these , " said Mr . Patel , moving to a nearby table and picking up a pot of the most beautiful lilies , striped with orange . Evie startled . Grandma June must have told him those were her favorites . Evie wandered around the shop , barely listening to the discussion about how best to keep pests away from Grandma 's perfect flowers . The scent in here was almost overwhelming , but in a good way ; she breathed deeply and inspected all the different plants , orchids and sunflowers and spiky little cactuses . The memory of the nightmare was almost completely gone now , but a new thought had replaced it . She thought she might know why Grandma June seemed a little bit new here . Grandma June gave Evie a look . " And with you , I 'm Grandma June , " she said , smiling . " You 're right , you know . I 've noticed it more too since I moved here . We are all different people to different people , does that make sense ? We make friends for all kinds of reasons , and together , all those reasons make up an entire person , like you , or me . " Evie thought about this for a minute . She had her very best friend ; they always went to the library together , but at school , she played hopscotch or tag with other kids . And she thought her next - door neighbor was annoying because he was younger than her , but when he invited her up to his treehouse , he was sort of all right . Those were all different parts of Evie , but they were still all Evie . She was just seeing new sides of Grandma June , here in the new village with all her new friends . Evie blinked and squinted . She was sure she 'd seen a light in the topmost window , just visible over the roofs of the other houses . But it was off now . It was Evie 's last night with Grandma June . Part of her was sad , and part of her was not . The part that was sad would miss the reading , the gardening , the walks and apple pies . The part of her that was not wanted a good night 's sleep in her own bed , where she never had that dream . Every night since the first time , she had dreamed of waking up , getting out of bed , creeping to Grandma June 's room , seeing the featureless , clay - like face on the pillow . And every night , she had stopped herself from waking up Grandma June in the dream , afraid of what might happen if she did . Would Grandma wake up in real life ? Would Evie ? Would both of them scream at once ? Moonlight shone in through the windows . The carpet was soft under Evie 's toes . She was asleep , she knew it , but she had to follow the nightmare through to its end . Grandma June 's bedroom door opened without a squeak , and the terrifying , blank face slept on the pillow . Evie did scream this time . And it did not wake Grandma June . She wheeled around , peering into the shadowy corners . A ghostly , wispy shape hovered in front of her , its face as blank as Grandma 's . " It is so lovely to finally meet you properly , " said the shape . " Of course , I have been meeting you in all manner of ways for two weeks now . Evie , who loves lilies but not broccoli , and reading but not the girl who pulls her hair at school . " " A good question , " said the wispy thing . " I am everyone . Do you remember the conversation you had with your grandmother ? With me ? We are all different people to different people . You , my darling , are a prism , each facet of you casting a new rainbow to the chosen few who see it . " The shape shimmered in the darkness . And there , standing before her , awake and smiling , was Grandma June . The Grandma June behind Evie in the bed rolled over and muttered something in her sleep . The shape shimmered again , and there was Mrs . Watson . Again , and there was Mr . Patel from the flower shop . " I had to learn everything I could about you , " it said . " All the different things you 'd tell different people , that together make up who you are . Only then could you become part of me . " Evie , the real Evie - for she was real , wasn 't she ? Real and asleep and having the most terrible dream - closed her eyes and ran , stumbling blindly from the room , crashing into the wall , feeling her way to her own bed . She clutched Henry the elephant to her chest and refused to open her eyes until the sun was high in the sky . She waited on the porch for the familiar car , glancing between the road and all of Grandma June 's flowers . Her little green case sat beside her , and Grandma June was in one of the wicker chairs , sipping at her tea with a smile . The moment the car came into view , Evie jumped up and ran down to the driveway . " I will , " said Grandma June , kissing Evie 's mother 's cheek . " We 've had a wonderful time here . I 'm already planning all the things we 'll do next summer . " A sick feeling filled Evie 's stomach , but she forced a smile and nodded . She might have the nightmare here again , if she came back . She might have it at home , but she didn 't want to think about that . She hugged Grandma June goodbye . It felt like Grandma June . Do you hear , dear reader , that mournful wind in the hallways of our once busy abode , the insects in the walls , scuttling to and fro ? Or perhaps you saw the hastily painted sign on one of our many front doors , or peered in a window and glimpsed the layers of dust on the furniture . We have not dusted in a while , we know . In fact , we are all off adventuring in the wilds of various Continents , and are hardly ever in , except to snatch up the odd satchel of ruby - dust , or a brass periwinkle machine , or other such necessities .

" Sorry about my outburst last night . I was getting really irritated with the situation . I was also really embarrassed that we brought [ my boyfriend ] into the rpg * and it developed so fast . I couldn 't believe he was acting that way and it reminded me so much of [ The Rat King of the Underworld ] would get argumentative over stupid semantics . I shouldn 't have let it myself get so bothered by it but it really did . I felt cowed and cornered . " " I 'm sorry about last night too . I didn 't mean to provoke you . To be honest , I was enjoying hashing out the semantics of what happened . I understand that it was a trigger for you , and been more empathetic . Y ' know how I always say he is terrible at reading situations ? This was DEFINITELY one of those times ! Like , my [ husband ] tried to lead him , and Andy Parenthesis and I tried too , and he was completely ignoring all the signs ! ! ! ! " We had a game night tonight . My husband ran a story for my friend Andy Parenthesis , MadEyeWe and I . We were role playing , and this was the first night MadEye brought her boyfriend . He created his character , and in the first minute of the game decides he 's going to kick in the door to the room that we 're all standing in . Due to some previous encounters in the game ( that he wasn 't around for ) , our characters drew guns . We were trying to talk to the guy but he wouldn 't answer us . ( As the players , it was really annoying because realistically he created his character to be part of our group and it felt like he wasn 't making any effort . ) He , as his character decides to call the cops and run away . Logically ( I thought ) we followed him to make sure his character wasn 't trying to kill us and to make sure the cops didn 't become involved . ( It 's a long and annoying process that wastes a lot of the game time and we wanted to avoid it . ) This led to a discussion between Andy Parenthesis and I , and my friend 's boyfriend . We kept talking about how logically if you hear voices in a room , you don 't just kick in a locked door without listening in first . ( My husband told me that he originally planned for this character to stand outside the door and listen in to the conversation we were having , which would lead to him joining the group . ) It was so weird because he was very adamant about it being a totally logical thing to kick in a door . Anyway , we moved on in the story and a little while after we took a break . While my husband excused himself to go to the bathroom , we got into the discussion again . To be fair , we were discussing the semantics of what happened and getting louder about it , but I didn 't think anyone was mad . I certainly wasn 't . Honestly , I thought kicking in the door added a really fun chaotic element to the story ( even though I thought it was dumb . ) " Because it reminds me of my ex - husband ! " She said . I think she was hoping that would be the end of it . She put her head down . ( She really can 't handle confrontation . ) At this point , Andy Parenthesis put his hand on my arm to alleviate the tension . But I was really mad . I hate that we were discussing the semantics of a situation , but because it sounded like we were fighting , we had to stop . Which is SO NOT the case . He 's a really nice guy . Very quirky , and a little boring , but overall , a genuinely nice guy . I understand that she was in an emotionally abusive relationship for the better part of the last 10 years . I understand that conflict ( of absolutely any kind ) is a huge trigger for her . I understand that she is a terrible communicator . I also think it 's unrealistic to be able to avoid any conflict by ignoring it . It 's also not healthy . Like , wake up and smell the roses , kid . You can 't ignore shit and hope it goes away . You 've done that your whole life and look where it 's gotten you . You actually have to deal with stuff that 's going to make you uncomfortable , and that 's not a bad thing . I guess , for me , processing things ( situations , events etc . ) means discussing it ad nauseam . I love to hash it out , look at it from all angles . Write about it . Talk about it with lots of people . I 'm mad because in the middle of my process , her RIDICULOUS unrealistic standards of conflict , and inability to deal with it , kiboshed the entire conversation ( though she could argue we were having an argument , but she wouldn 't have the nerve . ) And I know that 's not fair of me . I 'm just not sure how to be empathetic when I 'm this upset . I feel like this isn 't going to be just a one - time thing . Her boyfriend likes to play the chaos card , and shake things up . I have the feeling he 's going to pull some dumb moves throughout the rest of the chronicle that we play . And I 'm okay with that , as long as I can discuss the reasoning behind why he might do something so stupid as kick in a door ( without being shut down in the middle of the conversation . ) I don 't want to have to stifle myself . I want to have gregarious conversations , hell , even arguments , without it meaning the world is coming to an end . Because it 's not . I love the pain of unrequited love . The agony of being alone . Not that I know loneliness now the way I used to . But I still feel it . That fear that sits in the back of your mind , and haunts you when you think things are going well . But then there 's love . That safe haven where even the worst fear goes to die . ( Or at least into a deep coma . ) A friend was over a few nights ago and we were talking about love . How I fell in love . How she fell in love . I love first - love stories . They 're so tender and romantic . The supple overtures that lead to the first kiss . The first touch . Such a delicate caress . There are two things I remember vividly from visiting my best friend in the hospital after she had her baby . First , we went to visit her as a family , the 4 of us . I made sure to bring her a large container of food because I remember how hungry I felt while my milk was coming in . The appetite is a voracious beast that can hardly be sated . When we arrived , her husband and his father were there . His dad was holding the baby . All three of them surrounding a new born baby and not a smile between them . It was much the same as when they found out they were pregnant ; somber and unnerving . I smiled , said hello , and handed my friend the container of food . I also vividly remember just afterward , when his dad got up to leave , he wanted to get a ride home with him . ( They didn 't own a car , and relied on us and his father to get around . ) He sat on the bed and the two of them had a long , weird , mumbling conversation about how she wanted him to stay but he wanted to leave and go home and eat . As me and my family stood there in the tiny hospital room watching on awkwardly . Her husband kept saying how uncomfortable he was in the room . That 's right , as my friend had just given birth , had her insides pulled out and a baby removed , and had to stay in a dark hospital room with the windows covered up because they were doing renovations , he was uncomfortable and didn 't want to stick around . It was a lot of him whining , and a lot of her placating him and begging him not to leave , but in the end , he took the food I had made for her , and he and his father left . That would be the last time he visited her in the hospital . Later she told me how much she regretted sending him home with the food because later that night she was starving and there was nothing open at the hospital . When she told me that I was so mad . It was for this very reason that I had brought her the damn food ! The second thing I remember about this time was how often my friend was hospitalized with mastitis . Within a week of getting home , she was hospitalized again . She had left the baby at home with her husband . She called me and told me how tender and full her breasts were . I offered to bring her husband and daughter to the hospital . She called him and asked him to get ready so that I could come and pick them up . She called me back to let me know he would be ready . At this point , my daughter was 9 months old and I had her with me . I went to their house and rang the door bell . There was no answer . I rang several times . It wasn 't until I was turning to leave that her husband finally answered the door . He was groggy and pulling ear plugs out of his ears . He had been asleep . Are you fucking kidding me ? What do you think a baby needs ? I went into the house and assembled a diaper bag for the baby and then brought her out to the car . All I could think of was what a fucking selfish moron . I got to the hospital , and I had to carry one of the babies in a car seat , both diaper bags , the other baby in the stroller , and my purse . It was just ridiculous . Thankfully someone was there to help me carry in the baby in the car seat . I got to my friend 's room and I was pissed . I told her what happened and she was upset . It turns out he hadn 't even been to visit her , and it wasn 't likely that he would . Anyway , this was only one small piece of the larger hole . She spent most of her maternity leave at my place . We cooked together a lot , and spent a lot of time hanging out . It was great . The year went by and then my friend went back to work . Things in her relationship were the same , or worse . It was at this point that I was really pushing her to leave him . I couldn 't fathom why or how she could stay in that situation . At one point she called and asked me to pick her up because they had gotten into a huge fight . It was late at night and my husband and I were in the middle of a movie . I dropped everything to pick her up , thinking this was the end . Over the next few years I really struggled with my relationship with her . I could never understand why ( and still don 't to this day ) she stayed as long as she did . I thought she was weak and disgusting for letting herself stay in a situation that was draining all her energy , that was draining her soul . I was so mad at her for not taking a stand in her own life . Every question I asked her resulted with an " I don 't know " answer . They never had sex , and nothing ever changed , she never changed . I talked about this over and over with my husband , until he finally told me that I was no better than her because I didn 't do anything about it . He said I needed to make a choice : stop being her friend , or be her friend and stop talking about her situation . I very nearly ended our friendship over it . What stopped me ? Hope . I had hope that she might still grow as a person . I had hope that maybe somewhere , deep , deep , deep down she might have some sense of self - preservation . Also , I loved her . She 's my best friend , and I didn 't think it was fair of me to give up on her . It wasn 't long after this that my friend called me and told me that she found her husband passed out on the floor of the laundry room one morning . She had gone downstairs to see why he hadn 't come up to bed . She told me that his arm was bent at an awkward angle and she was terrified he had broken it . It turns out he had just been really drunk and passed out . They went to therapy a couple of times to try and fix things , but I never understood why . It usually happened when she was at her wits end and on the brink of leaving him . He would go , put in some effort for a week or two , then they would fall back into the same pattern of misery . I always wondered what they were trying to save . I mean , shouldn 't there be something there to start with ? Mutual love and respect ? Something good to work from ? What was ever good ? In all the years I 've known her , I 've never seen her truly happy . When she tells me about how he proposed , and their wedding it makes me cringe . He proposed in her car , outside his dad 's apartment after a coughing fit . Gross . Not to mention , she told me that he only proposed to her because she was going to college the next month and didn 't want her to meet someone else when she was there . It was the same with the way he told her that he loved her . They were at the mall and my husband and his friends were there . They stopped by and introduced themselves and then carried on their way . Honest to goodness , who the fuck is this guy ? He even told me that he didn 't want to change , ever , and he didn 't want to try and be a better person because then he wouldn 't be himself . This guy was seriously unbelievable , and to top it off , becoming an alcoholic . It wasn 't until very recently though , that she told me about the wine she used to have in her basement and how it had disappeared . When we first met , she worked at a wine store , and she had cases of wine . I guess at some point she went to get a nice bottle she had put aside and found that all her wine was gone . He drank all her wine . At the time she was more upset that he hadn 't asked than she was about it all being gone . The hardest part for me is that she didn 't even notice . How do you not notice that your partner is ( becoming ? ) an alcoholic ? This is indicative of her whole life , really . She lives with her head in the sand , willfully oblivious to all the signs going on around her . Then she 's surprised when something happens , like it happened out of nowhere . I am happy to say though , that since she made the original decision to leave , she 's grown tremendously as a person . She 's really opened up to self reflection and is learning about herself in ways I never thought she could . I 'm so proud of her . Anyway , a year or so ago , my best friend and her husband got into a fight about his drinking and she told him to leave . I was so surprised that she did it , if only she could have the resolve to stick with the decision ! Alas , it was not to be . He promised to go to AA , therapy , whatever it took . She believed him ( again ) and she let him move back in . On the day she left , my husband and I had been arguing a bit , and had just talked things out . We were walking in the park and enjoying the nice day when I got a text from her . ( You can read the specifics of it over at her blog here . ) She told me she had left her house . Then specified she had fled in terror of her life . I told her to come to our place , and we had a bed available for her and her daughter . I was relieved when she showed up at the park . The distressed look on her face giving way to sobs as she walked up and hugged me harder than she ever has before . I 've rarely seen her cry , and for her to be sobbing in my embrace was nothing short of a miracle . It must have been really bad for her to be crying . I told her she was more than welcome to spend the night , and for as long as she needed at our place . My worst fear was that she would go back . How she could even think of going back was beyond me . I think part of her would have , too , if the entire house hadn 't been in ruins . And over the following weeks I watched her go through a separation . I must admit , even though I have wanted her to leave him for years , it was still a harrowing experience . She took me to the house after he destroyed it , and showed me the carnage . It was overwhelming and disgusting . Everything that she owned in that house had been smashed . The worst part was the bedroom . I don 't even understand the kind of strength and rage it would have taken to destroy a good quality wooden bed the way he did . The closet doors were ripped off the tracks and full of holes from either punching or from drawer - throwing . I helped her clean up the mess , his fucking mess , after weeks of asking him to do it . He would claim , " it 's too hard for me to be there , I feel too guilty . " As you should , asshole . At the beginning , when she would speak to him on the phone , she still sounded like she was placating him ; always placating him . My husband told me that had perfected the art of complacently placating him while simultaneously sounding like she doesn 't give a shit . I suppose she 's had years to perfect it . She asked me one day if I was happy that she was getting divorced . How do you answer a question like that ? I mean , yes I am completely happy that she has dropped his sorry drunken ass and will be able to move on to better pastures . But watching her go through it , watching the way he takes advantage of her , talks so disrespectfully to her , drains their bank account so she can 't pay the bills , is very hard . He calls her and tells her that he never wants to see her or their daughter again . Then turns around and gets upset if they don 't call him for their daughter to say goodnight . The worst part is hearing him accuse her of being a whore . He demands to know who she 's been seeing , accuses her of having seen someone on the side for years . Personally , I believe he 's undiagnosed paranoid schizophrenic , but I 'm not a doctor . He makes me sick . He told her that he was going to go to rehab for her . She explained to him that they were no longer together and that he should be doing it for himself , or if for no other reason than their daughter . He said no , because she was his whole world . He was also very unimpressed that the lady at the rehab center told him that he may suffer withdrawal symptoms that would be similar to the flu . Then what is the fucking point ? He has no friends , and the only other person who can stand his company is their daughter . I even wonder how his dad can stand living with him . I can 't believe my friend put up with it for so long . His tirade of abuse and slurs directed at her is fucking disgusting . I wouldn 't even treat my worst enemy with the enmity that he has for her . " You 've just been waiting for a chance to leave me ! " Yeah , because she needed to wait until you got drunk and destroyed the house before she left . If she was seeing someone , she could have left much earlier . That 's the part that scares me the most ; If he hadn 't trashed the house and instilled the fear of God in her , how much longer would she have stayed ? I have no doubt that she would still be with him . She 's the kind of person that hates change so much that it would take a huge , metaphorical slap to the psyche , ( drunk husband trashing the house ! ) something that would override all her carefully erected barriers of denial to knock some sense into her . However , I 've also watched her personal growth through this experience and I 'm so proud of her . She 's not afraid to stand up to him anymore , and she 's been more assertive with him . It 's heartening . She 's getting to know herself , confronting herself on a base level and discovering all the nuances of why she lives a life of denial and passivity . I 'm excited for what the future holds for her . She gets to start from scratch , rebuild herself into the better person she wants to be , and rebuild her life . I 'm excited for this new phase of her life , and although I know she 's desperately afraid , I have confidence in her and her ability to grow as a person . I 'm glad I 'm her friend , and I 'm glad I get to be right by her side while she goes through this terrible yet exciting experience . I 'll be there to hold her hand every step of the way and I hope she knows that . It 's finally happening , after all these years . She 's finally getting a divorce . My best friend is finally leaving her pathetic excuse for a husband and I couldn 't be happier for her . I met her a month after she had been married . My husband , who had known her since high school introduced us when he brought me to her house to meet her . She was bright and alive and I loved her immediately . I think I recognized a kindred spirit , someone like me , who just wanted to have a fun time . She took me to the basement of the new house to show off her wine collection and offered me a couple of bottles . This was in August . I didn 't see her again until December where she showed up at the group Christmas party wearing a gorgeous , long , black dress with matching black shawl . I didn 't understand . I made her explain it to me because I couldn 't wrap my mind around this concept . Not only had she already tried , unsuccessfully to seduce him , but she eventually revealed that they hadn 't had sex in months . They had been married in August ! A flood of emotions warred in me , but foremost among them was pity . How could a man , her husband , not find this woman sexy ? What was his problem ? In the successive years , there were all sorts of weird stuff that went on with my best friend and her husband . It was weird to me because it was so far outside of normal . They spent the first year of their marriage sleeping in single beds on opposite sides of the room . She had been angry with him and moved her bed to the other side of the room . All I could think was , why don 't you have a proper bed ? Newly weds shouldn 't sleep with a yawning crack between them . My husband and I love throwing Halloween parties , and one year we invited her , and she showed up wearing a trench coat . When she opened it up , she was only wearing lingerie ! She looked so incredible . I couldn 't believe how sexy she was . She was wearing a black bra , with matching black lace panties , with a garter belt with hose and high heels . I asked her what her husband thought of the costume and she laughed and said it didn 't matter because he would never know she wore it . Another time , I decided to invite them both over for dinner . I wanted a chance to talk to him , to try and understand him better because I knew how unhappy my friend was , but I wondered if he knew . I remember many times encouraging her to talk to him , to let him know how unhappy she was . I guess she tried but things never went anywhere . That night at dinner , I asked him all sorts of questions and we had a really great conversation . He seemed like a nice guy , if a little weird . I found him incredibly opinionated , but I liked that he wasn 't afraid to say what was on his mind . It wasn 't until later , after dinner , when we retired to the basement to watch a little television that I got the shock of my life . We had been discussing sex ( an inevitable conversation with me ! ) , and the subject of toys and masturbating had come up . He told me , flat out , that if he ever found out his wife was using a sex toy , he would divorce her . I was shocked and appalled . I just looked over at my friend and she shrugged . He said it was akin to cheating and that he would never forgive her if she did it . He also said that he didn 't masturbate because he didn 't need to , and if he did , it would feel like cheating . Over the next few years , that bright spark that I had originally recognized in my friend was dimming . She and her husband weren 't having sex , she was desperately unhappy , and she spent all her free time over at our place . Not that I was complaining , I had my best friend . I made her talk to me about her life , her husband , why she was so unhappy . She told me that they almost never had sex , they barely spoke to each other . She told me that he was a slob , and that he never did anything around the house . At first I tried to offer her advice on how to communicate with him , how to make things better . I don 't know if she ever did , or when she did , he wasn 't very receptive . It made me sick . How could anyone live like this ? How could she be so miserable with this man and still go home to him every night ? Eventually though , I started asking her why she didn 't just leave him . I really pushed her on this . For years I 've pushed her to leave him . In hindsight , though , it wasn 't my place . It was a decision she would have to make for herself , it wasn 't a decision I could make for her . I tried to encourage her to make a new life for herself so she could be happy . All I wanted was to see my best friend finally happy . I just couldn 't wrap my head around this life of misery that she insisted on living . I think I gagged . Why ? Why would anyone make this unhappiness more permanent ? If she wouldn 't leave him before , she sure as hell wasn 't going to leave now . And I was obsessed with the whole situation . She was my best friend and all I could see was the sadness in her eyes , in her face . Every story she told me about what was going on was between them made me sick . How could anyone continue to live like this ? One night , my husband and I had some people over . There were lots of drinks and shenanigans , and it was a really great night . My best friend was there , and I introduced to her another friend of mine in the hopes that something might happen between them . He was handsome and I knew from personal experience that he was a great lover . I was hoping that if she could just see that there was something better , someone who actually found her attractive and sexy , maybe she might start to see that she could have something better . The next morning , she came upstairs and told me that she 'd slept with him . I was completely shocked me . Even though I set it up , I had never admitted that that had been my intention , and I wasn 't even sure she would actually do it . It shocked me that she had done it , that she actually had the balls to to it . In my mind , her relationship with her husband was obviously over . I mean , if you 're going to step out and have sex with another man , clearly there is no relationship left . I was so excited at the prospect that this was the end of her terrible relationship . I mean , breaking up is never easy , and celebrating the end of a relationship isn 't very nice . However , maybe now she would find the courage to leave her husband , to live a bigger , bolder life where she could have the intimacy that she so obviously craved . She could find a partner with whom she could communicate . I would finally see her happy . We spent the day talking about what it was like to sleep with another man , hanging over and hanging out . It was a good day . Later that night though , she received a phone call from her husband . She started talking numbers . She told him to call the lady . I didn 't even know what to say . Usually this is one of the happiest moments in a couple 's life . She didn 't even look excited . How could she do it ? How could she buy a house with this emotionally crippled man ? She slept with another man the night before and then today she bought a house with her husband . I couldn 't understand . As someone who lives by my emotions , if I was as unhappy as she was , I could never had stayed . I couldn 't grasp what her driving motivation was . I remember once , she told me that she felt like if she got a divorce she would feel like a failure . I don 't think she understood that living in a shitty relationship constituted a failure . I was so sad for her . My heart broke to think that she had just set herself up for years more misery . It also made me angry . She completely disregarded all advice I 'd given her ( unsolicited , I might add ) , she refused to do anything , refused to find a way to change her situation . Fast forward a couple of years , I had just given birth to our first daughter together ( my second child ) . My best friend was still in her shitty situation , and I lamented that she would live like that forever . It made me so sad for her , but I knew I had to stop bringing it up , otherwise I 'd risk losing her as a friend . Then I got a phone call from her saying that she might be pregnant . Oh god , why ? I knew that she wanted to be pregnant , I knew that she and her husband had spoken of having children , but I don 't think she realized what that meant . She sent me a text of the pregnancy test , which was a very clear POSITIVE . I called her back . She asked me if I could take her to the clinic so she could have it confirmed by the doctor , and I told her of course I would . The next day I met her and her husband at the clinic . There was nary a full smile between them . They honestly looked like they had just been told she was having a miscarriage . There was no excitement , no smiles , no happiness . It was so weird . They hopped in the car and I dropped her husband off at his work . I think my best friend and I have completely different memories of her pregnancy . I remember her being terrified and frightened . I mean , a lot of first - time moms are , but this seemed … more . She didn 't seem very happy for most of the pregnancy , but when you ask her about it , she remembers it completely differently . She remembers being excited . If she was , she certainly never showed it . During her pregnancy , she met up with an old friend of hers ( the maid of honour from her wedding ) who she hadn 't seen since her wedding . When my best friend confessed to her that she was afraid and unsure about being a parent , the girl told my best friend that she should have an abortion , and that she should never have married her husband in the first place . My best friend was shocked , and never spoke to the girl again . She was so angry , but I couldn 't help but agree with her friend . And I had told her as much ( minus the abortion part ) . It was a hard labour that resulted in an emergency C - section , and her husband abandoned her at the hospital , leaving her all alone with a new born . It was disgusting . There were a lot of things that he 's done over the years that absolutely disgust me . That make me want to rail and scream and shake the shit out of my best friend until maybe some sliver of sense might creep into her mind . It was a hot night , the heat from the day clinging to the night air while the wind breezes through the house . The oscillating fan barely cooling the heat from my skin . Your charisma precedes your physical presence as you enter the room , and you look too good to be true . The khaki pants , the plaid shirt , the scruffy beard growth that is so dark it 's nearly black . It outlines the perfection of your chiseled face . The last seat left is right beside me and I can feel the heat emanating from your body as you sit next to me . I wonder how a man can be so thin , yet so strong . You have working man 's arms , thick with muscle . Your hands are calloused , made for working with wood , made for loving tenderness . I notice there is a little more silver and grey in your hair than there was . Your hair is soft and lustrous . How intimate a caress of me to reach my hands out and slip my fingers into that soft , dark hair . I want to feel the softness of it , smell the perfumed wash of it . * No sweet perfume ever tortured me more than this . I want to reach out and stroke the soft , tanned skin of the back of your arm , to see what it feels like . Would it leave goosebumps along your arm ? Would the hair raise up on the back of your skin ? I want to take off the glasses that rest on that perfectly sculpted nose and stare into your eyes . I wonder , I dream at what I would see there . Would I see that this could never be ? That we 're both married , and you to a wife who I really like ? That this would ruin everything ? You would never be amenable to this , nor would I ever put either of us in that position . You 're too good . Too pure . Too sweet . Too … much . But in the meantime , I can still imagine what it would be like to press my tender lips to your rough , grizzled face . It would be tentative , yielding and completely impossible . I don 't even yearn for this , I just picture it in my mind . I imagine how sweet it could be . Just enough to be against the rules , but not enough to hurt anyone . At least that 's what I tell myself . Just the yearnings of a soul for a little more tenderness , a little more caressing . A taste of the forbidden ; the tender hands of a carpenter singeing my skin with delicate strokes . I leave the house feeling foolish . The wild imaginings of a silly girl . Because that 's what I am , a girl at heart . The night is hot , but the wind is cool as it blows fitfully through the rustling trees . The moon is full in the sky , lending an element of lonely creepiness to the evening . It 's the perfect way to finish the night . Losing someone close to you hurts . It hurts so bad that sometimes you wonder if it might just be easier if you were dead so you wouldn 't have to feel so much pain and grief . It gets easier to wake up as the long days go by , but they 're always with you . Losing someone that you weren 't close to , someone who you knew was a wonderful person that affected your life , losing them is hard too . It still affects you . The wound is deep because you wish you 'd known them better , wished you could have spoken with them more often . The pain lies mostly in regrets . Why didn 't we keep in touch more often ? I wish I could have let him know how much his teachings helped me , how much they meant to me . I lost someone . He wasn 't close to me , but I would confidently call him my friend . When I saw him in the spring , when I was camping with my daughter , he hugged me like we were best friends . He gave a great hug . His eyes always sparkled with the joy of being alive . I 've only ever seen him at Frontenac Park , in fact , he was the one who taught me how to winter camp . He was quirky and sweet , and I feel like even though I had only met him a couple of times , this would be a friendship that would be ever - lasting . I adored his accent . I found it astonishing ( and hilarious ! ) that he insisted on carrying some of the heaviest , army - surplus camping equipment because he felt that it was better made , and sturdier ( also heavier ! ) than the flimsy stuff they make these days . I am a better person for having known him . My heart goes out to the people that knew and loved him ; cherished him . Especially to the friend that was with him when he drowned . I can 't imagine the survivor 's guilt he must feel . I can only imagine how I would feel in his place . I hear he 's taking it hard and my heart aches for him . I wish I could make it better for him , but I don 't know how . I 'm a virtual stranger to him , just one of the many people he 's taken out to the bush and taught how to winter camp . I wish him all the best , and I hope he 's not too hard on himself . But he will be , as men are . Erhard . Don . Faye . These people taught me all the things I would need to know to keep myself warm and safe while winter camping . They taught me how to have fun out in the bush . They taught me that you 're not a true Canadian until you 've done it in a canoe . Now I 'm a true Canadian and the world seems a little less bright with his absence . How do you move on from something like this ? How do you continue doing the thing you loved , when you did it with the person who 's now gone ? My thoughts are with the people who were closest to him . Faye , Don , Jerome . His kids . I wish I could just hug them all and assuage their aching hearts . Ease some of the burden of their loss . And I will . There 's going to be a celebration for him , which I think is just so beautiful . What a wonderful way to honor the life of a dear friend than to hold a celebration in honor of the adventurous life they lived . I will bring wine and keep the drinks full to the brim , until the tears of grief become tears of laughter . It hurts to know that when I go back to Frontenac for a camping adventure , he won 't be there to meet up with . It 's probably selfish of me to think this way , because I barely knew him . But I 've never met a kinder , more gentle soul than Erhard Frenzl . The old lady leans over to coo the baby . Her eyes are bright with the joy of coddling the infant . She is old , and has a knotted old face with a large bulbous nose . Her hair is short but wild . It 's a wrinkled , sweet old face . Her smile makes her seem so much younger than she is . I love her immediately . It makes me sad to see her too , though . The old and weak , banished to the flanks , culled from the herd . She is a beautiful woman and all I want to do is rush over to her and ask if I might have a picture with her sweet , weathered old face . The fear that she might think I 'm making fun of her makes me sit in my seat , daring myself to walk over to her . I just can 't do it . Maybe I 'm a coward . The thought of getting older terrifies me because I 'm so old already and I feel like I 've barely lived . If I think about it too much it 's enough to make me gasp for air . Shivers run up and down my spine and suddenly I 'm so sweaty . Old ladies love babies . They smile and laugh at them , and touch their precious little hands as if they could hold on to that youth forever . I wonder if it 's because they know that death is just around the corner waiting to greet them . It 's a grim thought , and grimmer still because I know that one day I 'll wake up and I 'll be that old woman . I 'll be sitting in the mall enjoying a burger and I 'll lean over to the mother who 's too busy talking to her friend to notice that I 'm there , and I 'll engage the baby and it will bring tears to my eyes to see such a sweet little bald - headed darling . The mother will notice me , and immediately think I 'm a crazy old lady , but will indulgently answer when I ask about the baby 's age . How can anyone stand the prospect of getting older ? With age comes wisdom , but also regret . Mostly for a life not lived to its fullest . What a horrible thing to think , that if I died , I wouldn 't have lived as full a life as I could or should have . I don 't want to get old . I don 't want to die a long , slow , aging , painful death . I don 't want to wake up every day and wonder about all the things I could have done differently to change the direction my life went . Fleeting thoughts now that I fear may grown into huge what - if 's when I 'm old and senile . I 'm so happy with my life , my family , the little children that I created as if from thin air and physically brought into this world with blood , sweat , and tears . I love them fiercely , with great pride , and adulation . It 's a huge accomplishment , one that I am very grateful for . What if , though ? What if I had gone to Montreal instead of going to college , like I had originally planned ? What if I had travled first , instead of having children ? What if I had moved across the country when I had the chance ? ( Did I ever really have that chance , though , or was it just a fleeting wish ? ) That 's why I love old people faces . I love the history etched into every wrinkle . It endears them to my heart , and it always makes me wonder , " how did you end up here , with a walker , eating an A & W burger at the mall ? " Also , what have you seen ? What have you experienced in your vast life ? Did you love ? Did you lose your heart ? Have you seen wonderful and amazing things ? I always want to know ! I dream of buckskin again . Soft , supple , leather smooth on my skin . The feeling of it enchants me . I imagine what it would be like to hunt the animal . The feeling of being a hunter , saying a prayer for the life of this majestic creature before I pull the trigger . Because in this time we use guns . Guns . I hate them , killing machines . The thought of killing for sport makes me sick . You would think with all the people who hunt deer there would be a huge availability of their hides . Instead they just let it go to the predators . Hunting for sport . What a waste . When I hunt a deer I 'll use the whole animal . I 'll take the skin and use it to make moccasins and mittens . I 'll take the liver , the essence of the animal and I 'll revere it while I eat it . It will be pure and wild and I will take it into myself . I 'll feed my family for the winter with the meat . I will thank the animal for its life , for feeding me and my family . I dream often of rubbing buckskin on my cheek . I close my eyes and feel the softness of it on my skin and it makes me so happy . I always dream of it in my hands , but never how it gets there . I 'm in the field , in the forest , it 's quiet . The gun shot rings out loudly , startling birds , starting my soul in my chest . But what am I supposed to do with a giant , dead deer in the middle of the woods ? Often in my dreams I stand there , wondering what the hell I 'm supposed to do next . Field dress it ? I 've never hunted before , but I feel like my soul knows hunting . I 've done it before in a past life . I was born in the wrong time . I should have been born as a Native American in pre - Columbus North America . That is where my heart and soul reside . In a time and place that no longer exists . How many moccasins can I make with one deer hide ? How many mittens ? How do I tan it ? Who butchers it ? How do I get this beast back to civilization ? This year I 'm going hunting . I hope the Universe blesses me with a beautiful deer so I can feed my family . With a beautiful hide that to make moccasins with . I miss your lips that spark against mine . I miss your ravenous heat , your hungry mouth . I want everything . I want your love so badly that I imagine it from all the men I meet in a day ; the mechanic at work , the construction men who are rebuilding at the mall , the innocent smile exchanged with a stranger , the man who moved away . I 'm looking for my Henry Miller . The one who will love love and love fucking me and love writing . Or something . I 'm looking to rediscover passion . Look me in the eyes when you fuck me , make love to me . Kiss my lips and hold me close . Ease into me so slowly and make me ache and beg for your hard dick , slick in my pussy . I ache for a kiss that hasn 't happened and may never still . I ache for a passion that will consume and possess us both with it 's intensity . Where are you ? When will I find you ? I feel I may have missed the boat in this lifetime , but leave a message and maybe we 'll meet up in the next one . I 'm trapped in my own skin , a demon of lust scraping to get out of me . I want to fall into your eyes , into your heart , to give you my everything . How can I live without you ? Without what I need from you . How can we be so long apart when all I want is for you to wrap me in your tender arms and stare into my eyes and tell me all the secrets of our soul . How can any person settle for less than an all consuming passion ? How could I have done this to myself ? All I want is you , I need you . I 've made my bed and now I 'm turning in my grave . I 'm forced to endure this soul - searing passion all on my own and it 's burning me up from the inside . Would we handle this together ? Do you burn as brightly for me as I do for you ?

" Sorry about my outburst last night . I was getting really irritated with the situation . I was also really embarrassed that we brought [ my boyfriend ] into the rpg * and it developed so fast . I couldn 't believe he was acting that way and it reminded me so much of [ The Rat King of the Underworld ] would get argumentative over stupid semantics . I shouldn 't have let it myself get so bothered by it but it really did . I felt cowed and cornered . " " I 'm sorry about last night too . I didn 't mean to provoke you . To be honest , I was enjoying hashing out the semantics of what happened . I understand that it was a trigger for you , and been more empathetic . Y ' know how I always say he is terrible at reading situations ? This was DEFINITELY one of those times ! Like , my [ husband ] tried to lead him , and Andy Parenthesis and I tried too , and he was completely ignoring all the signs ! ! ! ! " We had a game night tonight . My husband ran a story for my friend Andy Parenthesis , MadEyeWe and I . We were role playing , and this was the first night MadEye brought her boyfriend . He created his character , and in the first minute of the game decides he 's going to kick in the door to the room that we 're all standing in . Due to some previous encounters in the game ( that he wasn 't around for ) , our characters drew guns . We were trying to talk to the guy but he wouldn 't answer us . ( As the players , it was really annoying because realistically he created his character to be part of our group and it felt like he wasn 't making any effort . ) He , as his character decides to call the cops and run away . Logically ( I thought ) we followed him to make sure his character wasn 't trying to kill us and to make sure the cops didn 't become involved . ( It 's a long and annoying process that wastes a lot of the game time and we wanted to avoid it . ) This led to a discussion between Andy Parenthesis and I , and my friend 's boyfriend . We kept talking about how logically if you hear voices in a room , you don 't just kick in a locked door without listening in first . ( My husband told me that he originally planned for this character to stand outside the door and listen in to the conversation we were having , which would lead to him joining the group . ) It was so weird because he was very adamant about it being a totally logical thing to kick in a door . Anyway , we moved on in the story and a little while after we took a break . While my husband excused himself to go to the bathroom , we got into the discussion again . To be fair , we were discussing the semantics of what happened and getting louder about it , but I didn 't think anyone was mad . I certainly wasn 't . Honestly , I thought kicking in the door added a really fun chaotic element to the story ( even though I thought it was dumb . ) " Because it reminds me of my ex - husband ! " She said . I think she was hoping that would be the end of it . She put her head down . ( She really can 't handle confrontation . ) At this point , Andy Parenthesis put his hand on my arm to alleviate the tension . But I was really mad . I hate that we were discussing the semantics of a situation , but because it sounded like we were fighting , we had to stop . Which is SO NOT the case . He 's a really nice guy . Very quirky , and a little boring , but overall , a genuinely nice guy . I understand that she was in an emotionally abusive relationship for the better part of the last 10 years . I understand that conflict ( of absolutely any kind ) is a huge trigger for her . I understand that she is a terrible communicator . I also think it 's unrealistic to be able to avoid any conflict by ignoring it . It 's also not healthy . Like , wake up and smell the roses , kid . You can 't ignore shit and hope it goes away . You 've done that your whole life and look where it 's gotten you . You actually have to deal with stuff that 's going to make you uncomfortable , and that 's not a bad thing . I guess , for me , processing things ( situations , events etc . ) means discussing it ad nauseam . I love to hash it out , look at it from all angles . Write about it . Talk about it with lots of people . I 'm mad because in the middle of my process , her RIDICULOUS unrealistic standards of conflict , and inability to deal with it , kiboshed the entire conversation ( though she could argue we were having an argument , but she wouldn 't have the nerve . ) And I know that 's not fair of me . I 'm just not sure how to be empathetic when I 'm this upset . I feel like this isn 't going to be just a one - time thing . Her boyfriend likes to play the chaos card , and shake things up . I have the feeling he 's going to pull some dumb moves throughout the rest of the chronicle that we play . And I 'm okay with that , as long as I can discuss the reasoning behind why he might do something so stupid as kick in a door ( without being shut down in the middle of the conversation . ) I don 't want to have to stifle myself . I want to have gregarious conversations , hell , even arguments , without it meaning the world is coming to an end . Because it 's not . I love the pain of unrequited love . The agony of being alone . Not that I know loneliness now the way I used to . But I still feel it . That fear that sits in the back of your mind , and haunts you when you think things are going well . But then there 's love . That safe haven where even the worst fear goes to die . ( Or at least into a deep coma . ) A friend was over a few nights ago and we were talking about love . How I fell in love . How she fell in love . I love first - love stories . They 're so tender and romantic . The supple overtures that lead to the first kiss . The first touch . Such a delicate caress . There are two things I remember vividly from visiting my best friend in the hospital after she had her baby . First , we went to visit her as a family , the 4 of us . I made sure to bring her a large container of food because I remember how hungry I felt while my milk was coming in . The appetite is a voracious beast that can hardly be sated . When we arrived , her husband and his father were there . His dad was holding the baby . All three of them surrounding a new born baby and not a smile between them . It was much the same as when they found out they were pregnant ; somber and unnerving . I smiled , said hello , and handed my friend the container of food . I also vividly remember just afterward , when his dad got up to leave , he wanted to get a ride home with him . ( They didn 't own a car , and relied on us and his father to get around . ) He sat on the bed and the two of them had a long , weird , mumbling conversation about how she wanted him to stay but he wanted to leave and go home and eat . As me and my family stood there in the tiny hospital room watching on awkwardly . Her husband kept saying how uncomfortable he was in the room . That 's right , as my friend had just given birth , had her insides pulled out and a baby removed , and had to stay in a dark hospital room with the windows covered up because they were doing renovations , he was uncomfortable and didn 't want to stick around . It was a lot of him whining , and a lot of her placating him and begging him not to leave , but in the end , he took the food I had made for her , and he and his father left . That would be the last time he visited her in the hospital . Later she told me how much she regretted sending him home with the food because later that night she was starving and there was nothing open at the hospital . When she told me that I was so mad . It was for this very reason that I had brought her the damn food ! The second thing I remember about this time was how often my friend was hospitalized with mastitis . Within a week of getting home , she was hospitalized again . She had left the baby at home with her husband . She called me and told me how tender and full her breasts were . I offered to bring her husband and daughter to the hospital . She called him and asked him to get ready so that I could come and pick them up . She called me back to let me know he would be ready . At this point , my daughter was 9 months old and I had her with me . I went to their house and rang the door bell . There was no answer . I rang several times . It wasn 't until I was turning to leave that her husband finally answered the door . He was groggy and pulling ear plugs out of his ears . He had been asleep . Are you fucking kidding me ? What do you think a baby needs ? I went into the house and assembled a diaper bag for the baby and then brought her out to the car . All I could think of was what a fucking selfish moron . I got to the hospital , and I had to carry one of the babies in a car seat , both diaper bags , the other baby in the stroller , and my purse . It was just ridiculous . Thankfully someone was there to help me carry in the baby in the car seat . I got to my friend 's room and I was pissed . I told her what happened and she was upset . It turns out he hadn 't even been to visit her , and it wasn 't likely that he would . Anyway , this was only one small piece of the larger hole . She spent most of her maternity leave at my place . We cooked together a lot , and spent a lot of time hanging out . It was great . The year went by and then my friend went back to work . Things in her relationship were the same , or worse . It was at this point that I was really pushing her to leave him . I couldn 't fathom why or how she could stay in that situation . At one point she called and asked me to pick her up because they had gotten into a huge fight . It was late at night and my husband and I were in the middle of a movie . I dropped everything to pick her up , thinking this was the end . Over the next few years I really struggled with my relationship with her . I could never understand why ( and still don 't to this day ) she stayed as long as she did . I thought she was weak and disgusting for letting herself stay in a situation that was draining all her energy , that was draining her soul . I was so mad at her for not taking a stand in her own life . Every question I asked her resulted with an " I don 't know " answer . They never had sex , and nothing ever changed , she never changed . I talked about this over and over with my husband , until he finally told me that I was no better than her because I didn 't do anything about it . He said I needed to make a choice : stop being her friend , or be her friend and stop talking about her situation . I very nearly ended our friendship over it . What stopped me ? Hope . I had hope that she might still grow as a person . I had hope that maybe somewhere , deep , deep , deep down she might have some sense of self - preservation . Also , I loved her . She 's my best friend , and I didn 't think it was fair of me to give up on her . It wasn 't long after this that my friend called me and told me that she found her husband passed out on the floor of the laundry room one morning . She had gone downstairs to see why he hadn 't come up to bed . She told me that his arm was bent at an awkward angle and she was terrified he had broken it . It turns out he had just been really drunk and passed out . They went to therapy a couple of times to try and fix things , but I never understood why . It usually happened when she was at her wits end and on the brink of leaving him . He would go , put in some effort for a week or two , then they would fall back into the same pattern of misery . I always wondered what they were trying to save . I mean , shouldn 't there be something there to start with ? Mutual love and respect ? Something good to work from ? What was ever good ? In all the years I 've known her , I 've never seen her truly happy . When she tells me about how he proposed , and their wedding it makes me cringe . He proposed in her car , outside his dad 's apartment after a coughing fit . Gross . Not to mention , she told me that he only proposed to her because she was going to college the next month and didn 't want her to meet someone else when she was there . It was the same with the way he told her that he loved her . They were at the mall and my husband and his friends were there . They stopped by and introduced themselves and then carried on their way . Honest to goodness , who the fuck is this guy ? He even told me that he didn 't want to change , ever , and he didn 't want to try and be a better person because then he wouldn 't be himself . This guy was seriously unbelievable , and to top it off , becoming an alcoholic . It wasn 't until very recently though , that she told me about the wine she used to have in her basement and how it had disappeared . When we first met , she worked at a wine store , and she had cases of wine . I guess at some point she went to get a nice bottle she had put aside and found that all her wine was gone . He drank all her wine . At the time she was more upset that he hadn 't asked than she was about it all being gone . The hardest part for me is that she didn 't even notice . How do you not notice that your partner is ( becoming ? ) an alcoholic ? This is indicative of her whole life , really . She lives with her head in the sand , willfully oblivious to all the signs going on around her . Then she 's surprised when something happens , like it happened out of nowhere . I am happy to say though , that since she made the original decision to leave , she 's grown tremendously as a person . She 's really opened up to self reflection and is learning about herself in ways I never thought she could . I 'm so proud of her . Anyway , a year or so ago , my best friend and her husband got into a fight about his drinking and she told him to leave . I was so surprised that she did it , if only she could have the resolve to stick with the decision ! Alas , it was not to be . He promised to go to AA , therapy , whatever it took . She believed him ( again ) and she let him move back in . On the day she left , my husband and I had been arguing a bit , and had just talked things out . We were walking in the park and enjoying the nice day when I got a text from her . ( You can read the specifics of it over at her blog here . ) She told me she had left her house . Then specified she had fled in terror of her life . I told her to come to our place , and we had a bed available for her and her daughter . I was relieved when she showed up at the park . The distressed look on her face giving way to sobs as she walked up and hugged me harder than she ever has before . I 've rarely seen her cry , and for her to be sobbing in my embrace was nothing short of a miracle . It must have been really bad for her to be crying . I told her she was more than welcome to spend the night , and for as long as she needed at our place . My worst fear was that she would go back . How she could even think of going back was beyond me . I think part of her would have , too , if the entire house hadn 't been in ruins . And over the following weeks I watched her go through a separation . I must admit , even though I have wanted her to leave him for years , it was still a harrowing experience . She took me to the house after he destroyed it , and showed me the carnage . It was overwhelming and disgusting . Everything that she owned in that house had been smashed . The worst part was the bedroom . I don 't even understand the kind of strength and rage it would have taken to destroy a good quality wooden bed the way he did . The closet doors were ripped off the tracks and full of holes from either punching or from drawer - throwing . I helped her clean up the mess , his fucking mess , after weeks of asking him to do it . He would claim , " it 's too hard for me to be there , I feel too guilty . " As you should , asshole . At the beginning , when she would speak to him on the phone , she still sounded like she was placating him ; always placating him . My husband told me that had perfected the art of complacently placating him while simultaneously sounding like she doesn 't give a shit . I suppose she 's had years to perfect it . She asked me one day if I was happy that she was getting divorced . How do you answer a question like that ? I mean , yes I am completely happy that she has dropped his sorry drunken ass and will be able to move on to better pastures . But watching her go through it , watching the way he takes advantage of her , talks so disrespectfully to her , drains their bank account so she can 't pay the bills , is very hard . He calls her and tells her that he never wants to see her or their daughter again . Then turns around and gets upset if they don 't call him for their daughter to say goodnight . The worst part is hearing him accuse her of being a whore . He demands to know who she 's been seeing , accuses her of having seen someone on the side for years . Personally , I believe he 's undiagnosed paranoid schizophrenic , but I 'm not a doctor . He makes me sick . He told her that he was going to go to rehab for her . She explained to him that they were no longer together and that he should be doing it for himself , or if for no other reason than their daughter . He said no , because she was his whole world . He was also very unimpressed that the lady at the rehab center told him that he may suffer withdrawal symptoms that would be similar to the flu . Then what is the fucking point ? He has no friends , and the only other person who can stand his company is their daughter . I even wonder how his dad can stand living with him . I can 't believe my friend put up with it for so long . His tirade of abuse and slurs directed at her is fucking disgusting . I wouldn 't even treat my worst enemy with the enmity that he has for her . " You 've just been waiting for a chance to leave me ! " Yeah , because she needed to wait until you got drunk and destroyed the house before she left . If she was seeing someone , she could have left much earlier . That 's the part that scares me the most ; If he hadn 't trashed the house and instilled the fear of God in her , how much longer would she have stayed ? I have no doubt that she would still be with him . She 's the kind of person that hates change so much that it would take a huge , metaphorical slap to the psyche , ( drunk husband trashing the house ! ) something that would override all her carefully erected barriers of denial to knock some sense into her . However , I 've also watched her personal growth through this experience and I 'm so proud of her . She 's not afraid to stand up to him anymore , and she 's been more assertive with him . It 's heartening . She 's getting to know herself , confronting herself on a base level and discovering all the nuances of why she lives a life of denial and passivity . I 'm excited for what the future holds for her . She gets to start from scratch , rebuild herself into the better person she wants to be , and rebuild her life . I 'm excited for this new phase of her life , and although I know she 's desperately afraid , I have confidence in her and her ability to grow as a person . I 'm glad I 'm her friend , and I 'm glad I get to be right by her side while she goes through this terrible yet exciting experience . I 'll be there to hold her hand every step of the way and I hope she knows that . It 's finally happening , after all these years . She 's finally getting a divorce . My best friend is finally leaving her pathetic excuse for a husband and I couldn 't be happier for her . I met her a month after she had been married . My husband , who had known her since high school introduced us when he brought me to her house to meet her . She was bright and alive and I loved her immediately . I think I recognized a kindred spirit , someone like me , who just wanted to have a fun time . She took me to the basement of the new house to show off her wine collection and offered me a couple of bottles . This was in August . I didn 't see her again until December where she showed up at the group Christmas party wearing a gorgeous , long , black dress with matching black shawl . I didn 't understand . I made her explain it to me because I couldn 't wrap my mind around this concept . Not only had she already tried , unsuccessfully to seduce him , but she eventually revealed that they hadn 't had sex in months . They had been married in August ! A flood of emotions warred in me , but foremost among them was pity . How could a man , her husband , not find this woman sexy ? What was his problem ? In the successive years , there were all sorts of weird stuff that went on with my best friend and her husband . It was weird to me because it was so far outside of normal . They spent the first year of their marriage sleeping in single beds on opposite sides of the room . She had been angry with him and moved her bed to the other side of the room . All I could think was , why don 't you have a proper bed ? Newly weds shouldn 't sleep with a yawning crack between them . My husband and I love throwing Halloween parties , and one year we invited her , and she showed up wearing a trench coat . When she opened it up , she was only wearing lingerie ! She looked so incredible . I couldn 't believe how sexy she was . She was wearing a black bra , with matching black lace panties , with a garter belt with hose and high heels . I asked her what her husband thought of the costume and she laughed and said it didn 't matter because he would never know she wore it . Another time , I decided to invite them both over for dinner . I wanted a chance to talk to him , to try and understand him better because I knew how unhappy my friend was , but I wondered if he knew . I remember many times encouraging her to talk to him , to let him know how unhappy she was . I guess she tried but things never went anywhere . That night at dinner , I asked him all sorts of questions and we had a really great conversation . He seemed like a nice guy , if a little weird . I found him incredibly opinionated , but I liked that he wasn 't afraid to say what was on his mind . It wasn 't until later , after dinner , when we retired to the basement to watch a little television that I got the shock of my life . We had been discussing sex ( an inevitable conversation with me ! ) , and the subject of toys and masturbating had come up . He told me , flat out , that if he ever found out his wife was using a sex toy , he would divorce her . I was shocked and appalled . I just looked over at my friend and she shrugged . He said it was akin to cheating and that he would never forgive her if she did it . He also said that he didn 't masturbate because he didn 't need to , and if he did , it would feel like cheating . Over the next few years , that bright spark that I had originally recognized in my friend was dimming . She and her husband weren 't having sex , she was desperately unhappy , and she spent all her free time over at our place . Not that I was complaining , I had my best friend . I made her talk to me about her life , her husband , why she was so unhappy . She told me that they almost never had sex , they barely spoke to each other . She told me that he was a slob , and that he never did anything around the house . At first I tried to offer her advice on how to communicate with him , how to make things better . I don 't know if she ever did , or when she did , he wasn 't very receptive . It made me sick . How could anyone live like this ? How could she be so miserable with this man and still go home to him every night ? Eventually though , I started asking her why she didn 't just leave him . I really pushed her on this . For years I 've pushed her to leave him . In hindsight , though , it wasn 't my place . It was a decision she would have to make for herself , it wasn 't a decision I could make for her . I tried to encourage her to make a new life for herself so she could be happy . All I wanted was to see my best friend finally happy . I just couldn 't wrap my head around this life of misery that she insisted on living . I think I gagged . Why ? Why would anyone make this unhappiness more permanent ? If she wouldn 't leave him before , she sure as hell wasn 't going to leave now . And I was obsessed with the whole situation . She was my best friend and all I could see was the sadness in her eyes , in her face . Every story she told me about what was going on was between them made me sick . How could anyone continue to live like this ? One night , my husband and I had some people over . There were lots of drinks and shenanigans , and it was a really great night . My best friend was there , and I introduced to her another friend of mine in the hopes that something might happen between them . He was handsome and I knew from personal experience that he was a great lover . I was hoping that if she could just see that there was something better , someone who actually found her attractive and sexy , maybe she might start to see that she could have something better . The next morning , she came upstairs and told me that she 'd slept with him . I was completely shocked me . Even though I set it up , I had never admitted that that had been my intention , and I wasn 't even sure she would actually do it . It shocked me that she had done it , that she actually had the balls to to it . In my mind , her relationship with her husband was obviously over . I mean , if you 're going to step out and have sex with another man , clearly there is no relationship left . I was so excited at the prospect that this was the end of her terrible relationship . I mean , breaking up is never easy , and celebrating the end of a relationship isn 't very nice . However , maybe now she would find the courage to leave her husband , to live a bigger , bolder life where she could have the intimacy that she so obviously craved . She could find a partner with whom she could communicate . I would finally see her happy . We spent the day talking about what it was like to sleep with another man , hanging over and hanging out . It was a good day . Later that night though , she received a phone call from her husband . She started talking numbers . She told him to call the lady . I didn 't even know what to say . Usually this is one of the happiest moments in a couple 's life . She didn 't even look excited . How could she do it ? How could she buy a house with this emotionally crippled man ? She slept with another man the night before and then today she bought a house with her husband . I couldn 't understand . As someone who lives by my emotions , if I was as unhappy as she was , I could never had stayed . I couldn 't grasp what her driving motivation was . I remember once , she told me that she felt like if she got a divorce she would feel like a failure . I don 't think she understood that living in a shitty relationship constituted a failure . I was so sad for her . My heart broke to think that she had just set herself up for years more misery . It also made me angry . She completely disregarded all advice I 'd given her ( unsolicited , I might add ) , she refused to do anything , refused to find a way to change her situation . Fast forward a couple of years , I had just given birth to our first daughter together ( my second child ) . My best friend was still in her shitty situation , and I lamented that she would live like that forever . It made me so sad for her , but I knew I had to stop bringing it up , otherwise I 'd risk losing her as a friend . Then I got a phone call from her saying that she might be pregnant . Oh god , why ? I knew that she wanted to be pregnant , I knew that she and her husband had spoken of having children , but I don 't think she realized what that meant . She sent me a text of the pregnancy test , which was a very clear POSITIVE . I called her back . She asked me if I could take her to the clinic so she could have it confirmed by the doctor , and I told her of course I would . The next day I met her and her husband at the clinic . There was nary a full smile between them . They honestly looked like they had just been told she was having a miscarriage . There was no excitement , no smiles , no happiness . It was so weird . They hopped in the car and I dropped her husband off at his work . I think my best friend and I have completely different memories of her pregnancy . I remember her being terrified and frightened . I mean , a lot of first - time moms are , but this seemed … more . She didn 't seem very happy for most of the pregnancy , but when you ask her about it , she remembers it completely differently . She remembers being excited . If she was , she certainly never showed it . During her pregnancy , she met up with an old friend of hers ( the maid of honour from her wedding ) who she hadn 't seen since her wedding . When my best friend confessed to her that she was afraid and unsure about being a parent , the girl told my best friend that she should have an abortion , and that she should never have married her husband in the first place . My best friend was shocked , and never spoke to the girl again . She was so angry , but I couldn 't help but agree with her friend . And I had told her as much ( minus the abortion part ) . It was a hard labour that resulted in an emergency C - section , and her husband abandoned her at the hospital , leaving her all alone with a new born . It was disgusting . There were a lot of things that he 's done over the years that absolutely disgust me . That make me want to rail and scream and shake the shit out of my best friend until maybe some sliver of sense might creep into her mind . It was a hot night , the heat from the day clinging to the night air while the wind breezes through the house . The oscillating fan barely cooling the heat from my skin . Your charisma precedes your physical presence as you enter the room , and you look too good to be true . The khaki pants , the plaid shirt , the scruffy beard growth that is so dark it 's nearly black . It outlines the perfection of your chiseled face . The last seat left is right beside me and I can feel the heat emanating from your body as you sit next to me . I wonder how a man can be so thin , yet so strong . You have working man 's arms , thick with muscle . Your hands are calloused , made for working with wood , made for loving tenderness . I notice there is a little more silver and grey in your hair than there was . Your hair is soft and lustrous . How intimate a caress of me to reach my hands out and slip my fingers into that soft , dark hair . I want to feel the softness of it , smell the perfumed wash of it . * No sweet perfume ever tortured me more than this . I want to reach out and stroke the soft , tanned skin of the back of your arm , to see what it feels like . Would it leave goosebumps along your arm ? Would the hair raise up on the back of your skin ? I want to take off the glasses that rest on that perfectly sculpted nose and stare into your eyes . I wonder , I dream at what I would see there . Would I see that this could never be ? That we 're both married , and you to a wife who I really like ? That this would ruin everything ? You would never be amenable to this , nor would I ever put either of us in that position . You 're too good . Too pure . Too sweet . Too … much . But in the meantime , I can still imagine what it would be like to press my tender lips to your rough , grizzled face . It would be tentative , yielding and completely impossible . I don 't even yearn for this , I just picture it in my mind . I imagine how sweet it could be . Just enough to be against the rules , but not enough to hurt anyone . At least that 's what I tell myself . Just the yearnings of a soul for a little more tenderness , a little more caressing . A taste of the forbidden ; the tender hands of a carpenter singeing my skin with delicate strokes . I leave the house feeling foolish . The wild imaginings of a silly girl . Because that 's what I am , a girl at heart . The night is hot , but the wind is cool as it blows fitfully through the rustling trees . The moon is full in the sky , lending an element of lonely creepiness to the evening . It 's the perfect way to finish the night . Losing someone close to you hurts . It hurts so bad that sometimes you wonder if it might just be easier if you were dead so you wouldn 't have to feel so much pain and grief . It gets easier to wake up as the long days go by , but they 're always with you . Losing someone that you weren 't close to , someone who you knew was a wonderful person that affected your life , losing them is hard too . It still affects you . The wound is deep because you wish you 'd known them better , wished you could have spoken with them more often . The pain lies mostly in regrets . Why didn 't we keep in touch more often ? I wish I could have let him know how much his teachings helped me , how much they meant to me . I lost someone . He wasn 't close to me , but I would confidently call him my friend . When I saw him in the spring , when I was camping with my daughter , he hugged me like we were best friends . He gave a great hug . His eyes always sparkled with the joy of being alive . I 've only ever seen him at Frontenac Park , in fact , he was the one who taught me how to winter camp . He was quirky and sweet , and I feel like even though I had only met him a couple of times , this would be a friendship that would be ever - lasting . I adored his accent . I found it astonishing ( and hilarious ! ) that he insisted on carrying some of the heaviest , army - surplus camping equipment because he felt that it was better made , and sturdier ( also heavier ! ) than the flimsy stuff they make these days . I am a better person for having known him . My heart goes out to the people that knew and loved him ; cherished him . Especially to the friend that was with him when he drowned . I can 't imagine the survivor 's guilt he must feel . I can only imagine how I would feel in his place . I hear he 's taking it hard and my heart aches for him . I wish I could make it better for him , but I don 't know how . I 'm a virtual stranger to him , just one of the many people he 's taken out to the bush and taught how to winter camp . I wish him all the best , and I hope he 's not too hard on himself . But he will be , as men are . Erhard . Don . Faye . These people taught me all the things I would need to know to keep myself warm and safe while winter camping . They taught me how to have fun out in the bush . They taught me that you 're not a true Canadian until you 've done it in a canoe . Now I 'm a true Canadian and the world seems a little less bright with his absence . How do you move on from something like this ? How do you continue doing the thing you loved , when you did it with the person who 's now gone ? My thoughts are with the people who were closest to him . Faye , Don , Jerome . His kids . I wish I could just hug them all and assuage their aching hearts . Ease some of the burden of their loss . And I will . There 's going to be a celebration for him , which I think is just so beautiful . What a wonderful way to honor the life of a dear friend than to hold a celebration in honor of the adventurous life they lived . I will bring wine and keep the drinks full to the brim , until the tears of grief become tears of laughter . It hurts to know that when I go back to Frontenac for a camping adventure , he won 't be there to meet up with . It 's probably selfish of me to think this way , because I barely knew him . But I 've never met a kinder , more gentle soul than Erhard Frenzl . The old lady leans over to coo the baby . Her eyes are bright with the joy of coddling the infant . She is old , and has a knotted old face with a large bulbous nose . Her hair is short but wild . It 's a wrinkled , sweet old face . Her smile makes her seem so much younger than she is . I love her immediately . It makes me sad to see her too , though . The old and weak , banished to the flanks , culled from the herd . She is a beautiful woman and all I want to do is rush over to her and ask if I might have a picture with her sweet , weathered old face . The fear that she might think I 'm making fun of her makes me sit in my seat , daring myself to walk over to her . I just can 't do it . Maybe I 'm a coward . The thought of getting older terrifies me because I 'm so old already and I feel like I 've barely lived . If I think about it too much it 's enough to make me gasp for air . Shivers run up and down my spine and suddenly I 'm so sweaty . Old ladies love babies . They smile and laugh at them , and touch their precious little hands as if they could hold on to that youth forever . I wonder if it 's because they know that death is just around the corner waiting to greet them . It 's a grim thought , and grimmer still because I know that one day I 'll wake up and I 'll be that old woman . I 'll be sitting in the mall enjoying a burger and I 'll lean over to the mother who 's too busy talking to her friend to notice that I 'm there , and I 'll engage the baby and it will bring tears to my eyes to see such a sweet little bald - headed darling . The mother will notice me , and immediately think I 'm a crazy old lady , but will indulgently answer when I ask about the baby 's age . How can anyone stand the prospect of getting older ? With age comes wisdom , but also regret . Mostly for a life not lived to its fullest . What a horrible thing to think , that if I died , I wouldn 't have lived as full a life as I could or should have . I don 't want to get old . I don 't want to die a long , slow , aging , painful death . I don 't want to wake up every day and wonder about all the things I could have done differently to change the direction my life went . Fleeting thoughts now that I fear may grown into huge what - if 's when I 'm old and senile . I 'm so happy with my life , my family , the little children that I created as if from thin air and physically brought into this world with blood , sweat , and tears . I love them fiercely , with great pride , and adulation . It 's a huge accomplishment , one that I am very grateful for . What if , though ? What if I had gone to Montreal instead of going to college , like I had originally planned ? What if I had travled first , instead of having children ? What if I had moved across the country when I had the chance ? ( Did I ever really have that chance , though , or was it just a fleeting wish ? ) That 's why I love old people faces . I love the history etched into every wrinkle . It endears them to my heart , and it always makes me wonder , " how did you end up here , with a walker , eating an A & W burger at the mall ? " Also , what have you seen ? What have you experienced in your vast life ? Did you love ? Did you lose your heart ? Have you seen wonderful and amazing things ? I always want to know ! I dream of buckskin again . Soft , supple , leather smooth on my skin . The feeling of it enchants me . I imagine what it would be like to hunt the animal . The feeling of being a hunter , saying a prayer for the life of this majestic creature before I pull the trigger . Because in this time we use guns . Guns . I hate them , killing machines . The thought of killing for sport makes me sick . You would think with all the people who hunt deer there would be a huge availability of their hides . Instead they just let it go to the predators . Hunting for sport . What a waste . When I hunt a deer I 'll use the whole animal . I 'll take the skin and use it to make moccasins and mittens . I 'll take the liver , the essence of the animal and I 'll revere it while I eat it . It will be pure and wild and I will take it into myself . I 'll feed my family for the winter with the meat . I will thank the animal for its life , for feeding me and my family . I dream often of rubbing buckskin on my cheek . I close my eyes and feel the softness of it on my skin and it makes me so happy . I always dream of it in my hands , but never how it gets there . I 'm in the field , in the forest , it 's quiet . The gun shot rings out loudly , startling birds , starting my soul in my chest . But what am I supposed to do with a giant , dead deer in the middle of the woods ? Often in my dreams I stand there , wondering what the hell I 'm supposed to do next . Field dress it ? I 've never hunted before , but I feel like my soul knows hunting . I 've done it before in a past life . I was born in the wrong time . I should have been born as a Native American in pre - Columbus North America . That is where my heart and soul reside . In a time and place that no longer exists . How many moccasins can I make with one deer hide ? How many mittens ? How do I tan it ? Who butchers it ? How do I get this beast back to civilization ? This year I 'm going hunting . I hope the Universe blesses me with a beautiful deer so I can feed my family . With a beautiful hide that to make moccasins with . I miss your lips that spark against mine . I miss your ravenous heat , your hungry mouth . I want everything . I want your love so badly that I imagine it from all the men I meet in a day ; the mechanic at work , the construction men who are rebuilding at the mall , the innocent smile exchanged with a stranger , the man who moved away . I 'm looking for my Henry Miller . The one who will love love and love fucking me and love writing . Or something . I 'm looking to rediscover passion . Look me in the eyes when you fuck me , make love to me . Kiss my lips and hold me close . Ease into me so slowly and make me ache and beg for your hard dick , slick in my pussy . I ache for a kiss that hasn 't happened and may never still . I ache for a passion that will consume and possess us both with it 's intensity . Where are you ? When will I find you ? I feel I may have missed the boat in this lifetime , but leave a message and maybe we 'll meet up in the next one . I 'm trapped in my own skin , a demon of lust scraping to get out of me . I want to fall into your eyes , into your heart , to give you my everything . How can I live without you ? Without what I need from you . How can we be so long apart when all I want is for you to wrap me in your tender arms and stare into my eyes and tell me all the secrets of our soul . How can any person settle for less than an all consuming passion ? How could I have done this to myself ? All I want is you , I need you . I 've made my bed and now I 'm turning in my grave . I 'm forced to endure this soul - searing passion all on my own and it 's burning me up from the inside . Would we handle this together ? Do you burn as brightly for me as I do for you ?

When I got downstairs the next day to have breakfast I saw General Coleman and my heart missed a beat . " Hello Sunshine , I hear you are excellent in the assignment I gave you . I 'm happy . I got something for you . " He said . He pointed to a box and Abena opened it . A little poodle popped its head out of the box . It was adorable . I had always wanted one but the apartment I used to live in did not allow pets . I knelt down and the adorable dog run into my arms . " Thank you . " I said and General Coleman smiled . " You need to take her on walks . She may need one tonight as she 's been in this box for so long . Let 's take today off . " I nodded and Arial to my room . That was her new name . I put on my usual gym clothes but this time just to take Arial for a walk . Alison and I were on calling terms now . I called her and told her I couldn 't make it to the gym because I didn 't have anyone around to walk my dog . I thought it was a silly excuse but she totally bought it . Arial seemed much more excited than I was . " Calm down . " I said as we run down the stairs . When we got outside I looked around and off we went . As the little thing trotted excitedly beside me I felt happy . Like how I felt when I was with Edem . I wanted to call him but just didn 't know what to say . He always saw right through my lies . We were about to cross the road when I heard my name . I turned around and there he was ! Coleman , standing next to his car . As he walked to me I could feel the fury in him . " Where have you been ? ! I 've been calling and texting you forever . What did I do wrong ? Is it because of the coke ? Lin I 've missed you . " He said and tried to kiss me . " Coleman , stop . We are outside . " I said , moving back and looking around . He looked pretty unstable . I picked up Arial just in case I had to run . " I 'm sorry my mum got really sick so I had to leave . " I lied . " Oh come on . Why didn 't you tell me ? You moved out of your apartment . The apartment I got for you . Why wouldn 't you tell me ? " He asked . I told Coleman I didn 't want to complicate his life . He was better off without me . He didn 't agree at all . " There 's a guest house not far from here . Let 's go and talk . " He said . " I 'm all sweaty and stuff . Can we do this another time ? " I said . Coleman wouldn 't have any of it . He grabbed my hand and tried to pull me closer . He was rarely this reckless in public . I shrieked and looked at dog , and told Coleman it was urinating . He let me go and I told him I had to let it urinate for a while . I put Arial down walked to a bush and quickly texted Abena . She replied almost instantly and told me to be calm . In a matter of seconds Coleman had a call and had to leave . He begged me to call him back and drove off . Abena met me at the gate when I got back . " Did you tell him anything ? " She asked . I shook my head and walked in . My heart was racing and I needed to take a shower and cool off . Arial walked by me as I entered my room . After I took my shower I felt better . I decided to call Edem . When he answered the phone I wasn 't sure what to say . " Hey " was all I could let out . He went on and on asking where I was , why I had been avoiding him and everything in between . When he noticed I wasn 't answering he paused . " Lin are you ok ? " Edem asked . A tear dropped from my eyes . I wanted to tell him everything . Then Arial walked up to me and laid down on my lap . I smiled that very moment . It was like she was telling me I wasn 't alone . " I 'm fine . Had to visit my mother . She was not feeling too well but she 's getting better . " I quickly said . Edem sympathised with me . He wanted to know if I needed company but I lied and said I would be back soon . He bought it . I guess he read the emotions and realised I was really sad . " Don 't approach her . Stay on your exercise bike . " Abena said . Her voice startled me . Even know I knew she was watching and talking to me through an earpiece it took some time to get used to it . She said she would help me so I followed her instructions . I kept on using my bicycle and my phone rang . I froze for a second wondering if it was Edem . I had been ignoring his calls . Coleman had been calling me too but I was just too angry to talk to him , and the threats his father gave me were loud and clear . " Answer the phone and just repeat my words like it 's a normal call . Try and sound natural . " Abena said again . I got off the bike and walked to my phone from my bag which was close to Alison . " Hello . Yes I 'm fine . Uh huh , the High Rise party , yes . So you got us the VIP invitations right ? Oh beautiful . We are 4 so can you book a limo for us ? Yea , ok bye . " I recited as Abena read out the words to me . I put the phone down and walked back to the bicycle . I honestly didn 't know why I had to do that . I read in her file that Alison liked attending big luxurious parties and shopping but she had her earpiece on so I thought it was totally pointless . Before I got to the bike Alison called me . " Hi , I 'm Ali . You are new here right ? " She said . I smiled and said I wasn 't and that I just changed from morning workouts to evening . Alison nodded . " I heard you talk about the High Rise party . Are you going this year ? " She asked . I smiled and that is how our long chat begun . We talked about boat trips , shopping and parties . It was pretty enjoyable but every now and then Abena spoke to me and asked me to include a line or two . After working out with Alison we walked to the parking lot . I pulled out the keys to the Mercedes that I came with and drove off after our goodbyes . When I got to the house Abena was there to welcome me with a big smile . " You did very well . I see why General Coleman chose you . " She said . I smiled and nodded . " How did you know Alison would hear me ? She had earphones on and was listening to music . " I asked . Abena looked at me took a deep breath and replied . " She wasn 't listening to music . She pretends all the time so she can ignore people . " I nodded and walked into the dining room with Abena . Her reply worried me a little . How long had they been spying on her and what was the outcome ? We had dinner brought to us from the in - house cook . I tried to get as much information from Abena as possible but whenever I got deep she just ignored me . The next day I went to the gym and run the same act . This time when Alison entered the gym she walked straight to me . We chat for a while and she showed me pictures of herself at several luxury events around the world as well as big time movie events and celebrity parties . I pretended to be excited . Abena made me tell her I was actually at some of those parties . Abena 's information was always on point . " Ah yes the party at that beach house . What a coincidence I was there with my sister and her boyfriend . I remember the waiters were wearing roller skates . It was really fun . " I lied . " Yes ! That party was one of my all time favourites . " Alison said throwing her arms in the air . She was definitely a party animal and the kind who would spend any amount for a good thrill . Slowly , as we met everyday at the gym I begun to see why she and Coleman fought all the time . They were completely different people . Coleman didn 't like going out at all . He actually dreaded social events . The only things they both had in common was their love for spending money which eventually was a recipe for disaster and their love for their two children . Every day I was asked to write a report . I put my observations down and handed them over to Abena before I went to bed . After a whole week of ignoring Edem 's calls and messages he finally stopped sending them . That night I cried myself to sleep and woke up the next morning to start a new day . When my eyes opened it took me a while to remember what happened . I looked around and saw that I was in my apartment . Then I saw Edem cover me up with a cloth and turn to leave . " Edem . " I called . He smiled and teased me about my alcohol intolerance . " Goodbye . " I said . He smiled again . " I 'm just a room away if you need anything . " He said and left my apartment . I smiled and fell asleep again . That night I had so many nightmares . I was so grateful when it was morning . I got dressed and waited patiently for my ride . General Coleman 's guy got to my place around 10am . He looked at the things I had packed into suitcases and lead me downstairs into a black Benz . He was tall and wore a blue long sleeve shirt and striped tie . I had questions but he didn 't look like the type who was even interested in a conversation . I sat down quietly as he drove to Osu . He finally parked in front of a big house . " Come . " He said and I got out of the car . We walked into the house and went upstairs . We met a lady who greeted me . " I 'll take it from here . " She said to the man and he left . " Lin it 's nice to meet you . My name is Abena . I 'm going to be your sister . " She said . I wasn 't sure I understood what Abena meant . She noticed my confusion and went on to explain . " On the project general Coleman wants you on he instructed that you have a sister . It strengthens your story and I will also help you with a lot of things you need . From what I hear you are not very tech savvy . " Abena said . How did she know that ! It was good that I met Abena she looked just a few years older than me . Maybe she could help me understand this better . " Why does General Coleman want me to do this ? " I asked . She ignored my question and showed me my room . It was huge . It had a laptop at the desk a very large wardrobe with clothes in it . The bed looked very comfortable with pillows all over it . The furniture was modern and beautiful . I was almost beginning to like the place . " You files are on the table . You can read through them , if you have any issues just let me know . " Abena said , pointing to some flat files on the desk . I nodded and went to read them . I went through all the files for the next couple of hours . It contained pictures and information about Coleman 's wife , Alison . After reading everything I understood some of the things Coleman nagged about . She was a proud , rich and spoiled women . Her father was a very close friend to the president and an ambassador as well . By the time I was done with the reading the driver had brought in all my stuff from my apartment . Abena helped me unpack my things . " I hope you are done reading because we have just tonight to practice . " She said . Apparently I was meeting Alison the next day ! Abena was to run me through my ' act ' . I couldn 't believe it was happening but it was . She pretended to be Alison and we had a conversation . She corrected some of the things I said . " Alison likes excersing a lot so you will meet her up there and befriend her . She 's very stuck up but don 't let that get to you . Pretend to be like her always . " Abena said . It felt so much like when Samira was training me . That night I had lots of nightmares . They were so terrifying I was very glad when morning came . Abena made me a delicious breakfast and at about 5pm I set off to the gym to meet Alison . Major Coleman called me and told me to ' act natural ' . I was a bit nervous but when I got to the gym and started exercising I felt better . Alison walked into the gym about 20 minutes after I came . She really looked stuck up . She had music in her ears , a water bottle and a towel . She walked straight to the treadmill and started working out . I didn 't know how I was going to get her attention . Just then there was another knock on the door . My heart was pounding . Did he know I called Samira or was he coming back to threatened me ? I walked slowly to the door and opened it . Luckily for me it was Edem . I breathed a sigh of relief . He asked if I was ok from the previous night . I looked around and dragged him inside locking the door behind me . He found that a bit weird and asked me what was going on . I wanted to tell him . I really did but I couldn 't tell him anything without him knowing what I did for a living . I was too ashamed so I looked for a lie to tell . " So about last night eh , I 'm very sorry . My cousin and I had a fight because I said some things to his wife that made her angry with him . " I lied . Edem shook his head . " He said you were his girlfriend . I really don 't want to pry into your life . I just want you to know that you don 't have to lie to me . " Edem said . I shook my heard trying to go on with my story but he held my hands and looked me straight in the eye . " You are an amazing person . It 's ok to make mistakes , we all make them Lin . It 's what you do next that matters . " He said . He broke all defences with that single sentence . I sat there holding hands with Edem . Maybe it was what happened with Coleman the other day , maybe it was his father 's demands or maybe it was how scared Samira sounded . Whatever it was it made me cave in and I started crying . Edem didn 't stop me from crying . He held me as I made his shirt soaked with tears . I certainly needed it . " Don 't you have to be at work ? " I asked as my face dried up . I liked having him around but I knew he had an actual job unlike me . " I do but today I 'm on the afternoon shift so don 't worry about me . I 'm hear to help you get through this . " He said . I hadn 't received this kind of kindness in a long time . Edem could easily have taken advantage of my vulnerable state and have his way with me but instead he wanted us to talk . I couldn 't help feeling more attracted to him . The more my feelings for him grew the harder it was to tell him the truth . I was afraid he would reject me . He was too nice for my rotten life so I twisted the truth . " You are right , Coleman is not my cousin . I met him last year and fell for him . He didn 't tell me he was married until recently . Then I fell for his trick . He kept telling me he was divorcing his wife to marry me . That 's why I told you he was my cousin . He made me promise to say that to everyone . Last night I told him I wanted out and we had a fight . That 's when you met us at my door . " I lied . Edem nodded . He looked convinced that I was telling the truth . " So last night we talked and I told him that unless he really had a divorce I wasn 't going to entertain him anyway . " I added . " You did the right thing . I 'm proud of you . " Edem replied . Edem went on to give me some useful advice on how to avoid Coleman if he tried to " trick " me again . I listened and nodded . When he was done he said I needed fresh air so we walked to a café nearby and had something to eat . He told me jokes to cheer me up . I was laughing my head off and almost forgot about Coleman 's father . Then I received a text from him . It was like he was watching me and wanted to sick the fun right out of me . The text read , " I think you have had enough time to think about my offer . If not then you have until 3pm . Time is of the essence . " I turned cold immediately but pretended it was a piece of fruit I was eaten that was sour . Edem didn 't notice I was acting . He just giggled . We were at the café until it was time for Edem to go to work . He rushed to his car and drove off . Then I walked back to my apartment alone . I used that time to do a lot of thinking . When I got to my apartment I had decided . I picked up my phone and called General Coleman . I told him I was ready for his assignment . " Wonderful , I knew you were a smart girl . Tomorrow one of my men will pick you up and take you to your new apartment . He will make arrangements to move your belongings . I will contact you later . " He said and hung up . All sort of ideas run through my head . Why was he doing this ? Why me ? How dangerous was he ? I had no answers . Besides the chaos I realised how much I was going to miss Edem . I decided to spend the night at his place . Knowing how principled he was I needed a good excuse . I sent him a message to let me know when he got home . I spent the rest of the day packing my things . My clothes , bags and shoes were the majority . The apartment came pre furnished so I didn 't have too much to pack . I heard my phone ring and knew it was Edem . I answered it and told him I was coming over . When I got to his place he was cooking something very nice . I sat down and we had dinner . He assured me that I could talk to him whenever I wanted to get something off my chest . I nodded and smiled . I wished I could tell him everything . After dinner he brought out some wine and set up a movie for us to watch . My frustration drove me into over drinking . I couldn 't help it . In no time at all I blacked out . Coleman overslept and had to rush out the next morning . He did something very strange when he was leaving . In all his rushing he stopped and kissed my forehead . He had never done that before . When he was gone I took my bath and got ready for work . Just before I picked up my bag to leave I heard a knock at my door . My heart skipped a beat . I hadn 't planned what I was going to say to Edem yet . I contemplated pretending not to be around but that would only make things worse . I took a deep breath and opened the door . To my surprise it wasn 't Edem . An elderly man who looked like he was in his late 50s stood there . He was wearing a grey suit and glasses . " Hello , are you Linda ? " He asked . I nodded and he politely asked to come in and have a word with me . I let him in and he sat down on the couch . He looked around my apartment for a while and finally turned to me . " My name is General Fred Coleman my son is the man you have been hosting in your apartment . " He said in a very straight forward tone . I wasn 't sure what to say . My heart instantly started pounding . What was Coleman 's father doing here ? ! " My son was here yesterday wasn 't he ? " Fred Coleman asked . I nodded and he shook his head . " It looks like you are going somewhere so I will make this brief . You will not entertain Coleman anymore . I know he gave you lots of gifts for your services but you shouldn 't worry about that . If you do as I say you will get more . " He said . I stared at him blankly and he went on . " His marriage is very important . I see that he can 't get himself to stop seeing you so I will want it done the other way round . Last night I did some thinking about it . If you even left him I doubt his marriage will still hold so I 'm going to give you a job . " the way he talked commanded so much authority . I could see why Coleman desperately wanted to please him . Somehow I wished my father cared this much about me . " Sir I 'm sorry about me and Coleman . . . " I started but he cut me off . " I 'm not here for apologies . From what I hear you are a clever girl . Will you do my job or not ? Maybe you want to hear what you will get ? I will get you a new apartment , bigger and better than this and give you 3000 cedis a month for the period you will be working for me . If you impress me I will double it . " He said . My heart started beating faster . I almost agreed but I thought first . " What job is this ? " I asked . He removed his glasses wiped them and put them back on . The suspense killed me . " My daughter in law is not very marriage material . I am she 's a spoilt child and that 's really why my son doesn 't go home at night . I want you to teach her how to please my son . " He replied . I almost choked and was in a brief state of denial . " Sir I 'm not sure I know . . . " I started and he raised his palm to stop me . " I know Samira well and you are by all means one of her best . Don 't disappoint your madam . " He said , getting up to leave . He dropped a call card on my center table . " Call me when you are ready to start . My son must never hear about any of this or even that I was here . " He said as he walked out . I saw him to the door and watched him leave with another man that looked very much like a body guard . I quickly locked the door behind me and tried to sink everything in . " How did he know who I was or even Samira ? Had he been aware of this all this time ? I skipped work that day . I was tempted to call Coleman and tell him what happened but I knew his father meant business . I picked up my phone and called Samira instead . She could tell I was nervous almost immediately . I narrated the whole story to her . When I was done her silence scared me . Samira always had something to say and most often laughed at serious situations but this time she was too quiet for my liking . " General Coleman , hmm Lin do what he says you should do . " She finally said . " Samira I don 't even know the woman . How am I supposed to teach her how to be a good wife ? Who even does that ? " I complained . " Lin listen to me , General Coleman is a very dangerous man . Don 't do anything to offend him . The fact that he mentioned my name is even a warning to me . Do what he wants and do your best . Do you hear me ? " Samira said sternly . I was speechless . I agreed and hanged up . What had I gotten myself into ? I got up and walked into the door . I opened it and saw Coleman outside . He tried to enter but I stopped him . " What 's wrong with you ? Let me in ! " He said furiously . " I want to be alone . Please leave . " I shot back . I tried to close the door but he put his foot in the way . He yelled at me again and before I could say anything Edem appeared . " Is there a problem ? " He asked . Coleman turned to look at him . " There 's no problem , my girlfriend is just letting me in . " Coleman said looking directly at me and trying to push his way in . " Coleman just go . " I said . I had tears in my eyes at this point . I couldn 't hold the door any longer . Edem stepped in between me and Coleman and asked him to leave . " I don 't think this is any of your business . " Coleman said to him rolling his eyes . Edem turned to look at me . " Are you OK ? " He asked . I wasn 't sure what to say but before I could open my mouth Coleman pushed the door almost tripping me . Edem held him and saved me from falling . He then grabbed Coleman 's arm and told him to leave . Coleman quickly moved away , breaking free from Edem 's grip and turned to look at me . I could see what he was thinking . " Lin do you really want me to leave ? " He asked . I looked down . The apartment was basically his . I looked at Edem who looked very ready to fight . I couldn 't believe he would do that for me . " It 's ok Edem . Sorry for the confusion . " I said opening the door for Coleman . He smiled and walked it . " Thank you . " I said and closed the door . I could hear him calling me back but I couldn 't face him . He was a very good guy , surely too good for me . Coleman went into the kitchen and I sat in the hall . I looked around and wondered if the things around me was worth going through all this . I curled up on the couch and closed my eyes . Maybe it was all a dream . My eyes opened when I heard Coleman 's footsteps . He sat down beside me . " I 'm sure you think I 'm some jerk and can 't wait to get rid of me right ? " He said . I turned to look at him . He had entered one of his gloomy moods . " No I don 't . " I lied . He shook his head . He obviously didn 't believe me . " I don 't blame you . My father came to see me earlier today and he told me I was a failure . All my life that 's what he 's been calling me . I thought now that I had money he would see me differently but he didn 't . All he could see was my failing marriage . " Coleman went on . He had never told me this much about his father before . He seemed very upset . " Is that why you decided to do cocaine ? " I asked . He shrugged . " How else was I going to clear my head ? " He answered . All of a sudden I felt sorry for him . " Your dad cares about you . Of he didn 't he wouldn 't even come and see you . " I said . Coleman looked doubtful . " When my mother died he did everything for us . He wanted us to be amazing men . My brother made it though . He became a doctor , married an awesome woman , won many awards and stuff . My younger sister is a lawyer in the UK . She flys in with her perfect family almost every year . I 'm just the black sheep . " Coleman said and took a sip of wine . " I don 't know why you are worried . You are married with beautiful kids and an executive in a big company . " I said . He shook his head . " I 'm miserable . Don 't you see ? I 'm always complaining , whining here and there . The reason I have that glamorous job is because I married the CEO 's daughter . Well I had to marry her because she was from a powerful family my dad wanted to get close to . Nothing I have was earned . My father has missed out on a number of political positions because of me . I 'm always the one his opponent gets dirt on to use against him . " He went on . I picked up the wine bottle and drunk it without a glass . I wondered why Coleman was sharing so much information with me . " I promised my dad I would put myself together . I wanted today to be special . I ruined it . " He said . I sat up and took another gulp of wine . Coleman stared at me for a while , as if he was contemplating telling me something . Then he looked away . I tried to get him to talk but it didn 't work . He took a deep breath and kissed me . I was expecting him to unbutton my blouse but he didn 't . He got up and went straight to the room and in a matter of minutes I heard him snoring . Edem had sent me messages asking if I was ok . I didn 't know how to reply them . I looked like a total fool in front of him . Now he definitely knew what I was . I felt ashamed so I ignored his messages . I read them and smiled at how thoughtful he was . He wanted to know if I was comfortable with Coleman around and if there was anything he could do . I smiled and thought of how lucky his girlfriend was to have him as I fell asleep . I mumbled a prayer for a normal life like her . That night when Coleman asked me to meet him at the spa I knew he and his wife had issues again . I really wanted to refuse but that was not a good idea . " Never skip meetings twice in a row with your man . " That was one of Samira 's rules . I had given a funny excuse for not meeting him the week before . It wasn 't a good idea to do it again . So I took a shower and left . The Spa was owned by Coleman 's school friend so we always had a private room to ourselves whenever we went there . When I got to the spa before I even put my bag down he grabbed me and kissed me . I could tell he was very angry from the way he did it . I played along and when he pulled out my button in a haste to take off my blouse I held him back and asked him what was wrong . That was one of my favourite blouses he just ruined . " I 'm sorry I 'm just not myself . You are also looking very beautiful today . Where were you when I was single ? I should have married you . " Coleman said stroking my hair . That was when I smelt it . The smell of cocaine on his fingers . " My goodness did you just do coke ? ! " I exclaimed . He looked down . I could tell he wasn 't proud of himself . Coleman occasionally smoked weed when he was really upset but I never imagined him moving on to coke . This was something I honestly wasn 't prepared for . My abusive father was a coke addict and all of a sudden the anger I felt for him consumed me . I grabbed my bag and turned to Coleman . " What is wrong with you ? Put yourself together ! " I shot out . He also got up . " Are you judging me ? You , who is sleeping with a marriage man ? Maybe I should put myself together and get rid of you too ! " Coleman yelled moving closer to me . My heart was pounding so hard I could hear it clearly in my ears . My childhood days when my father used to beat me flashed before my eyes . I moved back until I felt the door knob and rushed out . My hands were shaking so much when I got to my car that I had to calm down before I could drive back home . I noticed my phone ringing and saw that it was Coleman but I didn 't answer . When I got to my apartment I rushed into my room and fell on my bed . The memories of my abusive father started playing in my head . I tried to think about something positive and then I heard a knock on my door . I wanted to shout , go away but what good would that do ? Then the knock got louder . I wondered why someone was banging on my door at 10pm . I covered my ears with my pillow but that didn 't stop the noise . " Lin , open the door ! " The person yelled . It was Coleman . I got up and walked into the door . I opened it and saw Coleman outside . After work I went straight to Edem 's apartment . I don 't know why but I really wanted to see him . He invited me in and we watched TV together , chatting about our day . He took me to the kitchen and asked me to help him prepare dinner . I couldn 't refuse . I took off my 8 inch heels and wore a pair of slippers he gave me . Edem 's kitchen was well stacked and he knew exactly what he was doing . He handed me couple of vegetables to cut after I washed my hands . He made fun of me as I took my time to cut them . I was a bad cook but I wanted to impress him for no reason at all . I laughed as he teased me and made fun of him too . I had never had this much fun in a kitchen before . When the food was ready I felt like I had earned every bite I took . It was such an excellent meal . When Edem gave me a little bowl of left over chicken sauce I grabbed it immediately . " For your hard work . " He said and we both giggled . As he spoke I stared at him . He hadn 't made advances at me at all . Was he gay ? Did he have a girlfriend ? Was he just not interested in me ? I couldn 't make any sense of it . Maybe he was waiting for me to make the first move . Then I snapped back into reality when I heard Edem ask a question . " Oh me , I work in the marketing department of a real estate company . " I replied . I could tell he really wanted to get to know me . " What 's your girlfriend like ? " I asked . He almost choked on his drink in surprise . I laughed and he joined in too . When the laughter was over I told him I was waiting for his answer . He shrugged and said she was a cool person . He avoided eye contact as he spoke and immediately changed the subject . I wanted to pry but he looked so uncomfortable so I decided to let it go . The next morning I decided to stay at home . I called the secretary at work and told her I won 't be at work that day . The advantages of being a ' sweetheart ' of the boss . I was just about to go for a swim when I heard a knock at the door . It was my friend Samira . I let her in and she walked right into my kitchen . " I need a cold drink . It 's blazing out there . " She said as she opened the fridge and looked inside . I told her I was just going for a swim but she said she had important matters to discuss . " The agency fee has increased . Looking at you I 'm sure that won 't even be an issue . " Samira said with a wink . I could have argued with her , I wanted to but there was no point . Samira 's agency introduced me to ' benefiting from older men ' when I was much younger . She groomed me and taught me how to appeal to men . She made it a point to collect money from everyone who had ever been under her wing . It was called membership dues . Even though I thought it was stupid , 200 cedis a month wasn 't an amount I couldn 't afford . I picked up my purse and gave her the money . " So Samira what if I become normal , like get married and . . . " I started . Samira laughed and cut in " Ah Linda , but I 'm married . Who is stopping you from getting married ? " I shook my head . Samira was married to a 59 year old Governor in Nigeria . " I mean marrying someone I love . " I explained . She just rolled her eyes and stood up to leave . " Love is for poor people . If you can find a rich man you love why not ? Love won 't buy those 200 dollar slippers you are wearing though . " She said pointing to the designer fluffy slippers I was wearing . I remembered my last boyfriend bought them for me when we went on a trip to Paris . We both giggled and she picked up her bag to leave . Samira played a very strange role in my life . She was a cross between a sister , a boss and in a strange way a guardian . We met when I was in secondary school . Just like me her parents had problems . In fact she never knew who her father was because her mother was a prostitute . We got close because of this void we had , where our parental love was supposed to be . She was very ' friendly ' with the male teachers and continued from there . " When I grow up I will live in a big house . I will have a lot of money no matter what . " She used to say . I looked at her and wondered if she felt empty inside like I did sometimes . " Godfred is waiting for me . " She said . I looked out the window and saw her E - Class parked outside . " So ? Will I stop paying the dues if I marry some regular guy ? " I asked when she was at the door . Samira stopped and turned around . " I will gladly accept a lump sum . 40 , 000 Cedis sounds like a nice parting gift , don 't you think so ? " She said and walked out . Coleman took a shower which calmed him down and in a matter of minutes he had fallen asleep . When I saw he was asleep I took my chance and went to Edem 's place . " Lynn , I didn 't think you would come . " He said when he opened the door for me . I walked in and went straight to the dining room . Edem 's apartments was a bit smaller than mine but the decor looked very modern with mirrors and beautiful chandelier . I could smell the food , it smelled really good . " Wow , did you cook this yourself ? " I asked when he dished out the food for me . Edem smiled and nodded . " My dad is a chef in Spain . I used to watch him when he cooked when I was younger . " He explained . The food tasted even better than it looked . My crush on him was definitely very big now . How many good looking young men could cook so well ? " So how did the party go last night ? I saw your boyfriend pick you up yesterday when I was at the pool . " Edem said as we had dinner . I almost choked . " Boyfriend ? No , that 's my . . . cousin . " I lied . Then a few things instantly made sense to me . Edem was not hitting on me because he thought or would I say knew I was seeing Coleman . No wonder he always played the friend card . Now that I had cleared the air I was expecting him to make a move at me . Funny enough he didn 't . He was just his usual self , always wanting to hear me talk more , making me laugh and being an awesome person . For a split second I considered being normal with him . Falling for him , going out with him and eventually getting married and have kids like everyone does . Then I shook my head and stood up to leave . Normal wasn 't for me . " I really need to get some sleep , see you tomorrow . " I said and Edem nodded with a grin . When I got back to my place I walked into my room and saw Coleman snoring in my bed . Being a side chicken wasn 't fun but it paid the bills with lots of change . I took a hot shower and joined Coleman in bed . I noticed his phone was beeping like crazy with messages . I walked over and read the most recent message . It was from his wife and read , " I 'm sorry about what I said to you . I was just angry . Please come home . " I looked at Coleman as he slept and put the phone back down . Marriage seemed so complicated . The next day it seemed Coleman and his wife had patched up their issues because when I got to work he sent me a text saying he wouldn 't come over that night . I smiled in relief . " I have two tickets for the comedy show this weekend . Will you go with me ? " Kennedy , my workmate asked . I looked at him and rolled my eyes . " Ken , I told you I 'm seeing someone . " I said . He nodded and explained that he just wanted to hang out . " Are they VIP tickets ? " I asked . Ken looked at the tickets again and said no . " Then forget it I 'm not going . " I concluded and walked away . Surely he should have known that I only do VIP tickets for any event . Someway somehow even though Edem didn 't hit on me the previous night I kept thinking about him at work . When Coleman left my apartment I took a bath and went out shopping . The perks of being with Coleman was the amount of money he gave me . People always wondered how I could afford expensive bags and shoes with my marketing executive job . Obviously they didn 't know about Coleman . I kept the little things we did between me and him . When I got back to my apartment I saw Edem downstairs at the pool . There was something very interesting about him . I rushed inside , put on a very hot bikini I bought from the mall , threw on a kimono and rushed to the pool . Yes that 's how fancy my apartment is . When I got to the pool I jumped right in . " Hey , what 's up ? I saw you leave earlier . " Edem said when he saw me . I swam to him . " Really ? We 're you stalking me ? " I teased and he giggled . He wasn 't like most guys I knew . " I went to get a few things from the mall . " I said . We chat and swam for a while and decided to leave . Edem said he was hungry . He invited me over to dinner . I smiled and accepted . I was honestly going to waltz into his apartment in my bikini and transparent kimono when he said , I should change and come by when I was done . I nodded and we left the pool . He 's such a decent guy . When I got to my apartment I thought about what to wear . Clearly something short and semi see through would do the trick . My wardrobe was filled with clothes I had never worn . Maybe today would be their lucky day . I took out my phone to text Edem to let him know I was coming over soon when I noticed Coleman had sent me a countless number of messages . He was going on and on about his wife . Apparently they had had a big fight and he was coming over . I checked the time of the message . It was sent over an hour ago . I cursed in frustration when I heard the doorbell . I was very pissed off to have to cancel dinner with Edem . I opened the door and Coleman rushed in . He was holding a duffle bag . " I can 't stand that terrible woman anymore . " He said heading straight for my bedroom . I run after him asking what was wrong . " She doesn 't want me to stay out after work anymore . Am I a child ? She has been calling my secretary to ask the time I leave the office oh . That woman thinks because her family invested in my business she can treat me anyhow she likes eh ? Stupid ! " He nagged . I assured him that everything would be ok . It was when he removed his pyjamas from the duffle bag that I realized he had decided to stay . I wanted to explode ! Have you ever felt used but you blame yourself more than the person who used you because you know deep down you brought yourself to the slaughter house ? That 's how I felt as I lay on the bed with Coleman . It was almost 6am and my eyes opened by force of habit . I stared at him as he slept peacefully and wished it had never happened . I tried to tell myself to break up with him but that 's what I said the last time and here I was in bed with a married man . I got up and walked to the kitchen . Wallowing in my sorrows was not going to feed me . I opened the fridge and brought out a pack of food Coleman brought the night before . It was when I had heated it and was about to sit on my dining area that he woke up . " Good morning beautiful , something smells good . " He said walking into the kitchen . I liked it when he called me that . My father never told me I was beautiful . It 's funny how true that thing is . Your parents are the first people who can help you mold your self worth . My parents didn 't really care much but I don 't blame them . They didn 't love each other . How could they possibly love me ? " Good morning . I just heated up some food . " I said . He grabbed a fork and we ate together . Coleman was a very interesting guy . His wife was lucky to have him . Well I had him too but that 's different . Every time we met he spoke about his wife and son 90 % of the time . Most of time he was complaining about some things she did that irritated him . I always listened , unconcerned though but I pretended to care . It made him feel better . I met him at a party about 6 months ago . It was one of these end of year corporate parties . I make it a point to attend these whenever I 'm single . Boyfriends are easy to catch at these places . A nice fitted dress , long wavy hair , the right amount of make up and you are ready to grab the eyes of a wealthy executive . Coleman was easy to approach . He didn 't have a date and looked very lonely . I had never dated a married man before . Initially I didn 't think it would be a problem but I know now that I was very wrong . I guess deep down , deep deep down I want to be a good person right ? Maybe I was having all these thoughts because of Edem from down my lane . Ever since I met him things had been different for me . He is a very good looking young guy I met during my evening jog . He always made me laugh . Coleman was by far my youngest . . . . boyfriend but Edem was a serious sight for sore eyes . Don 't you just love the new year ? People are wishing you good things here and there , some are throwing parties , making resolutions and filling the air with excitement . It 's like all of a sudden some vim has just appeared from nowhere . This is good ! The only problem with the new year energy is that it 's always shortlived . We are positive , optimistic , set resolutions in joy and by February our brains just say " forget that chale . " Just like that oh but this year I want to spice things up a little . I put together a few things that I 'm planning to use to help me go through the old year with vim ! So this is my little plan . Did I add I 'll be making some changes to this blog as well ? I 'm not going to ruin the surprise by telling you what it is but if I 'm to give a clue . . . it 's pure awesomeness ! Happy New Year everyone : ) Newer Stories I 'm a girl . No two ways about it . I missed Kwame so much . I couldn 't deny it . It had been seven months since we broke up and I kn . . . My Birthday break So yesterday , 14th September was my birthday ! I had such an awesome time I couldn 't write today 's episode of Closure . My husband , . . .

A song played constantly in my head that summer , Lee Ann Womack 's , I Hope You Dance . Every time I heard it or sang along with it . I was reminded that my life was going to be what I made of it . I didn 't want to get down the road and look back and wish for something else . Who wants to look back on their years and wonder where those years have gone ? When I hear that song now , it takes me to driving back and forth out on my own . I had been shy and awkward about life ; I wasn 't going to be that way anymore . I was like a snowball pushed down a hill , growing in experience and force . Once I got started making choices for myself , I felt empowered . It was thrilling to be able to reinvent me . Being alone was okay but I didn 't want this for my future . I liked sharing my life with someone . Nothing was going to bring Rick back but the future was mine . A friend told me , " If it 's to be , it 's up to me . " I tried to live that statement . . I was ready to greet life . Things that seemed like challenges before just seemed small in comparison to what I had been through . I sailed alone frequently during the end of that summer . I loved it . The power of the wind on blustery days was invigorating . I loved when the boat heeled and cut through the water . I leaned back and held the mainsheet ( line or rope ) and tiller , my body leaning against the opposite side to counterbalance the tilt of the boat . Even alone , I wasn 't afraid . I was a new Jane . Toward the end of the summer , I decided to take Mike and Jack out together for a sail . We got up early , packed lunches and looked for the wind . It seemed like the wind was fine . Michael was into Pokeman figures and brought several of them with him on the boat . As we were leaving the dock , Chip warned me that there were wind gusts and to be careful . It was an awesome day to be out on the river . Michael was pretty bored with the whole ordeal . He put all of his Pokeman figures on the gunnels and one went flying in the drink . He was pretty calm considering . I came about and let the sails luff as I got them situated to have our lunch ; this was the part Michael loved of course . Jack climbed up to the bow and laid his body over the boat and and dangled his hands in the water . He was being a daredevil and I didn 't like it . I asked him to get back in the cockpit . He wasn 't happy but he did it . I let him take the tiller a bit and he helped me with the points of tack ; Jack was doing great . We made it back to the dock safely . This was not Michael Sean 's cup of tea but he really was a champ for trying something new . It was probably the last time I would bring him out . He was terrific but it was too boring for a little guy . I was only able to join Charlie and his friends once for a night sail . It was awesome . The boat was huge and it was a totally different experience . The sailor boyfriend of my twenties only had a 25 foot sailboat . The views of the Capital and monuments from the river were amazing . It was dark on the river and the shores on both sides glowed with light . There was wine and cheese but since I was driving , only coke . Charlie let me the wheel at one point . He guided me . The power of the wind and sails was amazing . The boat had a huge mast and the boom and sails were enormous . Charlie set the course to a flashing and buoy and we cut through the black water straight to our mark . I gave him back the helm and sat down to take in the scenery . Sitting in the darkness with people chatting , the sound of the sail sometimes groaning , water rushing against the bow , I could hardly believe I was there . We sailed down just south of Fort Belvoir and then came about . Charlie used the motor on the way back to the marina . I heard the familiar sound of the clanging halyards as we approached the docks . I headed to my van after bidding all a good night . I was returning to my boys who were home with a cousin , happy and content watching a show , perhaps already asleep . In the van on my drive home , I could feel the difference in myself . The sadness wasn 't as intense . I still ached for Rick and felt the hole in our lives but the boys were fine . I was fine . It was okay to be okay . There is a sailboat race each week in Annapolis , MD on the Severn River and the Chesapeake Bay . Lisa started crewing for people who had boats who raced in the regatta . She checked the internet weekly for posts of owners needing crew members . It sounded like great fun but I was a mother of two , it wasn 't going to work for me . Courtney had taken sailing lessons in her twenties and never really got the hang of it ; her goal was to feel more confident in her sailing . She was a teacher so she was available during the day as I was . Drama was her love and she was involved in a production near Dupont Circle in D . C . She invited us to come and see it Lisa and I went together and had a great time . Our days on the boat were filled with long conversations about our lives . Lisa was just out of graduate school . Her head was full of starting her career and meeting guys . She entertained us with stories of her friends , prospects of dating and the ways she filled time while waiting for her security clearance . Some days we went into Old Town Alexandria or an area south of Belle Haven for lunch . On days we met Charlie coming in from giving sailing lesson , we invited him along . He added a whole entire dimension to our conversations , talking about the work he did before retiring , his son , and his family . Charlie 's friend owned a 40 foot sailboat that he sometimes borrowed to take night cruises I was invited several times but with my two boys and short notice , it was difficult to plan . Posted by Sailing on the Potomac is not ideal because in places it isn 't very wide . It doesn 't provide many opportunities for tacking . We sailed in a Flying Scot which is a 19 foot centerboard daysailer . These boats do not capsize easily . Each day I learned more and more skills and I was on cloud nine . We were required to take a written test to be Red Cross certified for sailing and that was a breeze . We also needed to be able to demonstrate our skills on the boat . Charlie had us take turns at the helm . Each time we had the tiller , we did better . By the end of the two weeks , I wasn 't fully confident of my skills but I was getting there . The sailing school offered this great deal ; they gave a free week of sailboat rental following the end of the course . Courtney , Lisa and I decided to meet each morning around 10 : 00 a . m . at the dock . As long as there was fair weather and some wind we 'd sail . Each of us had a week of free rentals ; one would call and make the reservation in her name . This gave us three weeks . Of course , sometimes our schedules , life , or other commitments would prevent us from sailing some days but basically , we sailed all summer . With the three of us in the boat or even two , for that matter , we could continue to practice all that Charlie had taught us . At the dock , Chip would give us advice for making it out of the cove and give any warning that was necessary . We all waved to Charlie giving lessons if he was on the water when we were out . The practice made all the difference in our confidence and skills . Jack was a little nervous the first day but once he made it into a boat , he was in heaven . I met my class in the office . There was Charlie , a single , retired CIA employee , in his early 60s . In the group were two other women , one in her twenties , one in her thirties . As we walked to the dock to get on the boat , I could feel the soft wind from the south and smell the river . I can 't say it was the most pleasant smell but it was great all the same . The marina is owned by the National Park Service and the there are trails through the marsh and a picnic area with pavilions and grassy areas . As we neared the dock , the campers from the sailing school were receiving some dry land instruction before getting on the boats . I saw Jack and waved . He was grinning ear to ear . We met Chip , the dock master . He looked to be the surfer - type dude , wearing his red long trunks , no shirt and going barefoot . His long sun - bleached hair was down past his shoulders and he was tanned brown head to toe . He gave us a ride to where the sailboat was moored . This was where Charlie began . He explained how to get the boat and sails ready . He was methodical in his teaching and repetition . He would pose questions and help us to problem - solve on our own . We learned right of way , how to set the sails and a little about tacking . Charlie took us out on the river and had each of us take the tiller . He taught us the commands used by the captain and we practiced and repeated all the things he told us . We were also expected to read up on a training booklet before the next day . There was time to talk on the boat too . The other sailors were Courtney who was a teacher in a private school in D . C . and Lisa who had just graduated from Johns Hopkins with a degree in International Relations and was waiting for security clearance to begin at the Agency . They were both pleasant and we got along well . When we were out on the river we saw the kids on sunfish , all in a rainbow of colors . There were two on a boat and we passed Jack coming in . He waved again and was looking pretty proud of himself . We continued to the mooring and Charlie went through how to take the sails down and stow the gear . Chip was our escort back to the dock again . It was a thrill to be out on the water with the sun in my face ; I loved looking at the water , the sails and the beauty between the marshes and its wildlife and the Capitol and Washington Monument off in the distance . We said our goodbyes and I went to sit on a picnic table near the van to wait for Jack . I loved this ; Jack loved this . We talked about our adventure all the way back to our house . This was an empowering experience and I was looking forward to the two weeks . I had totally lost my joy of teaching , my joy of reading , my joy of gardening . I felt like a dud . I did what I was supposed to do at work ; actually I did more one on one remediation than I had ever before . I didn 't feel like I could concentrate long enough to read , sort of couldn 't allow myself to escape the reality of me . I was interested in the gardening at the new home but it was a bit overwhelming to think about getting started . I remembered awhile back that Steve told me that they offered a sailing camp for kids down in Alexandria on the Potomac River . While reading the paper one day , I saw an advertisement for the sailing camp . It was at Belle Haven Marina . This is what I wanted to do . I spoke to Jack and he was excited about the prospect of sailing camp . The plan was that Jack would be in camp 10 : 00 a . m . to 1 : 00 p . m . and I would take sailing lessons 10 : 00 to noon . Michael Sean would go to the Miss Doreen 's and get to play with his pals . The first day of sailing I drove down to the marina . It is next to a public park and has a boat launch . There are boat slips , dry dock areas and a small shack that houses the rentals of canoes , kayaks , sailboats and serves as a sailing school . I heard the clanging of the halyards as soon as I got out of the van . The sound took me back to my dating days when I was seeing Gary . I accompanied him in his search for a sailboat , took dry sailing lessons ( offered by the local Coast Guard ) , went on the maiden voyage of " Overtime " and spent two years sailing the Chesapeake Bay . I never actually took sailing lessons from an instructor . I had the head knowledge from the course and occasionally took over the tiller . In my new single state , I wanted to do the things I would never have gotten the chance to do had I still been married . This was something I had longed to do for a long time . There was no room in our life for something like this ; I was so excited to get started . This would be " my time . " There really was something significant about reaching the finish line of the first year . Everything was the same , still widowed with two children , still a teacher , still a little stressed in trying to adjust . I read a post last week about another widow ; in her blog she asked , why is it that everyone focuses on the first year . I think the answer is because the emotions and grief are so intense every day of the first year . For me , the subsequent days seem to pale by comparison . I would never be over loss , but I did find a place to put the pain that wasn 't as stinging with time . I had not put in for being alone . A friend later told me that his motto in life is , " If it 's meant to be , it 's up to me . " I found that to be an empowering statement . I had a choice to be overwhelmed with my new life or to choose to make my happiness given new circumstances . There are silver linings . I am a strong woman ; I know that , but didn 't have any idea just how strong , until faced with tremendous obstacles . When my son was dropped suddenly by a girlfriend a few years later , I was so pained to see him suffer . As I tried to comfort him I said , " This is small potatoes , Jack . We have been through so much . We lost Daddy and never expected to be the same . You are strong ; this is a bump in the road . I know that it hurt , s but you have survived so much more . This is her loss ; you are going to be fine . " On the day Rick died , I couldn 't see my world or future without him . Time was my friend as I climbed the mountain of the first year ; it was hard to see where I was going . All that seemed to lie ahead was more difficulty . However , reaching the summit gave me a vista of possibilities . It wouldn 't be easy and there were still many pitfalls ahead , but I had made progress . Posted by We had made it through the first year and then some . We were in our new home . It was quite an adventure ; I was extremely excited to think about decorating this house and making it my own , It was a clean palette . I remember when Rick and I first met . He was working in a furniture store and I was barely getting by as a teacher . I had thought before I was married that it would be awesome to decorate a home with my spouse until he really wanted to . When I saw his apartment , I knew that it was not going to be easy to mesh our two tastes . Rick 's taste was more modern ; mine was very traditional . Being at the new house meant that I could really make it my own . Although I had lived on my own before getting married . I had a very limited budge and very limited opportunity with my roommate who was there first . When I was able to decorate , I found most of my treasures at yard sales . I love yard sales and it was a ritual with my friend Mary . We would get up each Saturday morning and check what was out there . It was too much fun . I had to get the boys set up in their rooms and then made room for the guest room . It was such a thrilled to feel that I had some choice . It would be my time for what I wanted it . I had to look at the positives through the situation even if I wasn 't thrilled with it . Well , I had put a contract on a house but still had to sell my house on Poplar . The " for sale " sign went up right away and I was ready . Anne held an open house for realtors ; it was a crazy market . Small ramblers like mine , three bedroom and one bath homes were going quickly . It sold in a week for $ 5000 more than the asking price by an older couple with grandchildren . They didn 't even ask for a home inspection . The realtor said that they had just lost another contract across the Boulevard and were anxious to get a contract . It was a great relief to me . I was left to pack the house and planned to use a moving company to actually move the majority of my things over to the house . My brother , Dan was moving to Syracuse with his fiancé and was working for a local moving company . He got me a good price and he was one of the crew on the day of the move . This way he could make sure everything went well . My brother , Mike rented a truck and we moved all the yard things over on that . The day of closing was a bit harried . When we arrived for the final walk - through the seller wasn 't out of the house . I made it difficult to inspect because there stuff was still in the house . I was very frustrated with her . After closing , it still took her two and a half more hours to get her things out of the house . Toward the end of her move , she started to put things on the lawn of the next door neighbor 's house . I was so relieved when she finally left . The boys loved the house right away . We had a ton of family and friends who helped us on the move day . A friend of the family brought all of her family and their girls basically set up my kitchen for me . It was not as bad as I thought it would be . As we slowly unpacked our things , we could see that the memories of Rick were still with us . The memories were in our hearts and in the furniture and treasures of a life together . They were just in a different place but we didn 't lose anything in the move . Tom , Diane and I thought it would be a nice idea to continue to meet on the same evening for awhile . We weren 't quite ready to give each other up . There is a restaurant in the area that is easy access to the Beltway . The Grief Group continued to meet at Grevey 's . Yes , I know it so corny but true . We met about four weeks in a row after the grief group ended . Tom and Diane told me that they were dating the first week we met at the restaurant . I told them that I saw the way Tom looked up at Diane at that first meeting and I wasn 't surprised at all . Tom 's girls were having a hard time dealing with the thought of their dad dating but Tom said they were all grown and had lives and he wanted one too . I was very happy for them , a little jealous but happy . It wasn 't long before they called to tell me they were getting married . They invited the group to Tom 's for a barbecue and made the announcement . It was encouraging to be able to celebrate their decision . It was terrific to hear the updates from our friends as time passed . One man in his seventies was busy playing Senior League Baseball . He was having an awesome time . Another gentleman who was really struggling during the official meetings had decided to take a car trip to Florida to visit friends . He had made the plan and was getting ready to leave soon . Tom had retired and was planning on spending loads of time with Diane and Diane was shutting down her organization that she had worked on with her husband , Dan . . It was a school reform organization and she realized it was time to let go . The barbecue was a type of send off party . I saw Tom and Diane once after that ; we enjoyed a dinner together in the summer before school started . Then Tom had to have surgery on his back and he was laid up for quite a bit . We fell out of touch after awhile . The Grief Group was hard work ; it forced us all to look into our memories and deal with our feelings . I made Jack go to a group too . It had taken place in the fall at the same facility but of course , it was for children . He was madder than a hornet with me . I was concerned about him and I didn 't want to get down the road and think , " Gee , it would have been a really good idea to send him to a grief group , too bad I didn 't . " When it was over he told me , " You know it sucked , Mom ? I hated going . " I said , " Jack , it was a grief group . Were you expecting it to be fun ? " He wasn 't quite as amused as me . He made several projects to memorialize Rick and brought in some pictures to help share his feelings . Jack was very proud of the choices he made and what he shared about his dad . In the end , it was good thing to do , even if he went kicking and screaming . Sometimes the mom just has to be the mom . I brought my grieving hat to share with the group at one point . They had a good laugh . I told them that it people what it was . The shrink later explained about desensitizing myself to Rick 's death by talking about him and letting the feelings go . We bonded over our grief in that room . It was hard to listen to the stories , most were tender and raw . With all the grief spread out all over the room , it didn 't seem as overwhelming . It was encouraging to know that I wasn 't nuts and that others had similar thoughts and feelings . Over the course of the eight week , s the focus shifted from memorializing to looking to the future . This was important in the work of grieving . I found it hard to let go of the dreams and aspirations that Rick and I had together . For almost 15 years my future included him as a major player . Allowing me to see a future without Rick almost seemed a betrayal . There was something very powerful in me saying don 't let go . It is confusing ; no one can answer the question when is enough time enough , for grief , for feeling sad and devastated . No one gives you permission to be okay ; you have to give yourself permission . This was one of the reasons for writing goals for the future ; I 'm not sure I dared to write a list on my own about a future without Rick . We had the option at the last meeting to share our lists . It was interesting to hear the thinking of others . Each of us had a different take on the steps we might take . The eight weeks dragged in the beginning but seemed to fly at the end . The group became very comfortable with each other and we were sad to see it end . I had become friends with both Tom and Diane ; we planned to stay in contact with each other . It was cathartic to have done the hard work of grieving . I decided in February to attend a grief group sponsored by the local hospital system . Life with Cancer was the program at the hospital that helped when Rick was admitted to the oncology ward . The grief group was for anyone who had lost a loved - one to cancer ; it was eight weeks long and was moderated by a person who had been through the process before . It was a strange experience to walk into a room of people who had all lost someone . Most of the people in the room were over 60 and had lost spouses . A man and woman in their twenties had lost a parent and about ten of us were widowed . When I came in the room there were only a few people that had arrived . A very tall gentleman walked in at the same time and we sat down at the table and chit chatted while we waited to begin . Tom had also been widowed ; his wife had died in March the year before . Tom was Catholic and Irish just like me ; he was friendly and talking with him put me at ease . We exchanged some details of our losses and then the meeting began . I always felt that I was quite fortunate in my circumstances . Yes , Rick was dead and I had two children but I had two children , my reason for getting up in the morning , my reason for living , my reason for being happy with whatever God brought me next . I sat listening to these people and my heart broke for them . Many described their loneliness , their depression , their emptiness ; I found it difficult to keep from crying right along with them . Diane walked into the meeting late ; I saw Tom look at her as she walked in the room . She apologized for being late and sat down and joined in with introducing herself and then the meeting continued . Diane talked about her husband who had suffered from cancer for three years who had only died in December . I went last and told them about Rick 's cancer and quick death . They were all horrified that I had two young children . Several of them said how hard it must be caring for the boys alone . I was quick to tell them that my loss was a loss , no greater or less than theirs ; each a huge burden that left a gaping hole in our lives . Hearing how others coped with their loss made me look at my loss in a different way . My mother used to always say , " It could always be worse ! " Live examples of that were sitting right across from me at the table . My mind was stirred by all the talk and discussion of those we lost . We did one writing activity before we left and that was to make a list of five things we wanted to accomplish in the next five years . We wrote them to ourselves and didn 't have to share them but the idea was to set some goals for our future . As I sat there writing , I thought the list was a little out there . Then , we were given exercises to complete and return at the next session . Posted by Buying a house can be a scary thing . I came home from signing and had instant memory lapses of what I just bought . These were not the days of digital cameras . I tried to remember what I saw . They were the smaller details as this house was similar to Karen 's and Paul 's home without a large addition they had in the back . A fair - sized living room and dining room were to the left as I walked in . There was Berber carpet going up the stairs to the second floor . To the right was a small powder room , nothing fancy or redecorated . Down the short hall was the kitchen , my favorite room . It had a vinyl floor , bright and shiny with light oak colored cabinets and a new counter top . The sink and appliances were all new . It was spacious and had a great closet for a pantry with louvered doors . There was a small family room to the right with a brick fireplace ; the back wall had sliding glass doors that led to the sunroom . This is where I was excited to get started decorating . This room was surrounded by four sets of sliding doors and topped with two skylights . It had a partially finished basement where the boys could hang out and the other side had a nice wash area . There was terrific storage space with a crawl space that was completely dry and enclosed . I would finally have enough room for our things ! The house was eight doors down the street from Karen and Paul . I was happy that everything just fell together . The house was a clean palate with neutral colors everywhere . The landscaping would need work but that would wait . I brought the boys over to see the house and they immediately fell in love with it . The novelty of being down the street from their cousins was enough to seal the deal for them . We were on our way . Posted by Each day brought me closer to the one year mark . In January , I began the walk in my head of all that Rick had gone through . Valentine 's Day arrived with nothing from my Valentine but my Dad and Mom sent me a package and my brother and sister in - law sent me flowers to ease the pain . They were very sweet gestures . Valentine 's Day had always been a day for the girls in our family . With a household full of boys , it was the one day that my dad made a big deal out of my mom , Patty and me . My mom got the giant candy heart with so many piece of chocolate . Patty and I got the medium sized heart with a silk flower on it filled with chocolates and all the boys got a small plain red heart with candy . When I got married my dad no longer sent the valentine to me . On this Valentine 's Day , it meant a lot to me . I was still his valentine . Rick was always one to look either forward or backward and say , " What were we doing a year ago today ? I wonder what we will be doing five years from now ? " I found myself asking those questions often to no one in particular , just me . By April , I had called Anne Johnson , the real estate agent to take a look at the house so that I could follow her recommendations . I wanted to move over the summer when I was off from school so I wanted to start looking in May for our new house . Anne had her eyes on the market for anything in the neighborhood we wanted that might pop up . One day , Karen called me to tell me that a woman down the street had put her house on the market and was selling the property herself . Karen said to grab the local paper to see the listing that was in there . I called Anne and told her I was going to go look at it . It was scheduled for Sunday and I wanted to go alone . It was pouring rain the afternoon of the open house . I walked up the drive to the front door and there was Kathy Monteclavo ; I knew her from going to neighborhood Pamper Chef parties . She looked as bewildered as I felt . As she opened the door we greeted each other and I said , " Kathy , I 'm not positive I 'm buying yet . " She laughed and said , " That 's good because I 'm not sure I 'm selling . " Our laughter broke the ice ; she encouarged me to take a look around and I did . My criteria for the house was that it had to be in good shape . As a widow , I wouldn 't want to be doing major repair jobs . They had a fire the year before in their dishwasher that cause quite a bit of damage . The kitchen was brand new with new appliances . Her decorating left a lot to be desired but the house was growing on me the more I looked . I thanked her and told her that I would be in touch . I went home and called Anne and told her that I wanted her to see it and give me her opinion . We made an appointment to go the next day after school . Anne liked everything about it but encouraged me to insist on the home inspection which I got . We went to her office and signed the contract and then she told me she would call Kathy and just to hold tight . Everything was finalized the following day but was contingent on the home inspection . The ball was rolling , The whole nine yards and all the way around . . . The day before we moved into Poplar Road , Rick was painting Jack 's room . Jack did not want to move and had said as much . Rick said " What letter do you want me to make on the wall ? " " A W ! " cried Jack . That was all it took , he loved his new room . As soon as Jack could see that his same things were in the new house , he was okay with it . There were so many memories in this house we called home for 10 years . Rick had planted a Blue Spruce tree on the side of the house . It was as tall as Jack at two years old . It had grown to about eight foot by the time Rick had died . " We can always come see the trees , Jack , " they will still be here . We had also planted a redbud , and a sycamore and many , many , many bushes . Ruthie Ropig was a statue that stood in the middle of the triangle of garden by the front door . I had been at a flea market in Leesburg and saw it . I wanted her so badly . I came all the way and told Rick about it ; he told me to go back and get it if I really wanted it . I drove like a wild woman back to Leesburg to get it before someone else snatched it up . I loved it . Jack and I would sit on the front bench in the evenings waiting for Rick to arrive home after his 14 minute commute . I usually had supper waiting for us as soon as he walked in the door . One day as we were waiting for Rick to arrive , Jack noticed the statue . " What 's her name , Mama ? " " Her name is Ruthie Roszel , " I explained . " No it 's not ! " he said . " It 's Ruthie Ropig ! " " I don 't think I like that name , " I said . However from that day forward she was known as Ruthie Ropig . We also had crazy things like big rocks . Big rocks to anyone else were big rocks ; to us , they told a story . There was a large on at the end of our path to the drive . It had been there since we moved in . It was rather round and flat , just right for sitting on while mom planted impatiens . There was another that had come from the lake on a trip up to visit my parents . I took it from the lake shore . Another was from the rock wall at 192 Groton Avenue where we grew up . To anyone else these were insignificant things but to us they told the stories of our lives . These were what Jack did not want to leave behind as we were thinking about leaving . To my son , seeing the familiar , the cherished and loved were what made him feel good . It was going to take some convincing to get him to let go of some things in order to move . I love my realtor , Annie Johnson . Rick and I were dreaming of a single family home and took a walk around the shopping center where we grocery shopped . We looked in the window at the homes they had posted on the window . We had only been in our townhouse for less than a year . When we bought the townhouse we took an FHA loan so we only needed a small down payment . We managed to wiggle our way into it . Jack was about eighteen months when we moved in . I read in the paper that the Feds were raising the ceiling on FHA homes due to the sudden surge in home prices . First time buyers were being forced out of the market . When we purchased the townhouse it was at $ 104 , 000 ; our purchase price was $ 104 , 000 . I was willing to gamble if we priced our home at $ 120 , 000 , it would sell . Rick was not the risk - taker ; I was and I was ready to take a chance . We walked into the office and there at the front desk was a warm , pretty woman of about 45 smiling at us . This was Anne Johnson , born in Tennessee , y ' all . She talked faster than anyone I had ever met and ended almost every sentence with " the whole nine yards and all the way around . " Anne was a character , a hard worker and understood our struggle . She agreed that my plan might work and came to the townhouse a few days later and made some recommendations for fix - up but it was in really good shape already so they were minor . Anne had the house on the market in a week . The MLS listing went in the computer at 8 a . m . , the sign went up on the front lawn at 11 a . m . and we had a contract by that evening . I was amazed and delighted at the same time . Anne had been an interior decorator ; her husband was retired military . She took up real estate to put her three boys through college . She had lived in the Sterling Park since her boys were young and knew every nook and cranny worth looking at . We had two weeks to find a home and we saw plenty . It was only after one contract wasn 't accepted that we found the house on Poplar Rd . Rick was the one who saw the potential . I knew what a coat of paint would do and some hard work . It was the one and they accepted our contract . Jack and Michael loved our house . The backyard had nooks and crannies just right for using their imagination . They had a fort with swings , a vegetable garden they helped their dad with , a secret hiding place behind they shed and up on the roof where they could stare over the fence . Rick had a hammock that was hung right between two big maple trees . We all climbed in and looked up into the trees and listened to a mockingbird that frequented our yard . The slab of concrete patio was surrounded by a six foot privacy fence when we moved in . We put up our own fence on the perimeter of the property to keep people from passing through our yard and Jack safe . I had Rick cut the fence in half and put the top back on . I kept the side that faced our neighbors up so we had privacy and the rest opened our yard up . I stained it redwood . I guess I felt like we did a lot with the little we had . Rick hung a tire swing in the big maple . Jack would swing for hours and climb the tree ; he loved being outside . They played baseball in the side yard and would hit wiffle balls over the roof of the house into the street from the backyard . We had a small dining room . My aunt had given me a beautiful mahogany table and chair set and I wound a dry sink at a yard sale . My favorite memories are of having tea parties with my boys when Rick had to work on a day we had off from school . I would make tea and crumpets and serve the boys tea in fine china cups . They loved it . Moving was in our plan and I was ready to move closer to family . It was the right decision . I just needed to contact Anne and get the ball rolling . Yep , the whole nine yards and all the way around ! Our house was located on a corner lot but backed to a town home community common ground . This was quite lucky , since we knew that no one would build there and that we would maintain our privacy . Our lot looked like a large wedge of pie ; the crust was the street and the sides were my neighbors on one side and the common ground on the other side . It had a very large front yard and smaller backyard but it was just right for us . The location was perfect for many things one of which was having yard sales . I would just put a sign out on the corner and get a ton of people . I had a yard sale after we had pared down our belongings . My boys thought a sale was great . Both of them get very attached to their possessions but as long as I said they could keep the money from the sale , they were a little more cooperative about getting rid of things . When I was little , my mom would tell us that we had to clean out our things and get them ready for the poor people . In my mind , I could picture poor , unfortunate children with no toys or clothing . I was prepared to give them everything I owned . Every time I said that to my boys when they were growing up they would say , " I hate the poor people . I 'm not giving them anything . " I don 't know how it happened that they came to be so selfish . They had so much in comparison to me or my siblings but they didn 't want to give anything up . Michael is still so damaged from my donating some of his favorite picture books to his second grade teacher that he still hasn 't forgiven me . He is always making reference to some book I gave away . I 've had to go on Ebay several times to resurrect some obscure title from his preschool years that I " ripped out of his hands " to give to the poor people . I used to have people just stop at my house and ask me if they could provide some service . The very first time it happened it was a driveway company . A young guy in his early twenties knocked on my door and wanted to know if I was interested in having our driveway replaced . It was a mess and I was interested but had little cash reserve . I asked if he would allow me to pay him in two installments . He said yes and off he went having only charged me $ 600 . He arrived the next morning and installed a beautiful thick driveway . I was beside myself . I paid him $ 300 that day and the balance the next month . What terrific luck ! Had we called a paving company , it would have been at least $ 1200 . We lived in that small house for ten years . During that time , we replaced the windows , the stove , dishwasher , washer , furnace and air conditioning . We had transformed the outside with landscaping , new shutters , new fence and I had painted the house myself . Even though I was looking forward to moving , we had many fond memories from the place . In the end , it would be difficult to move … We talked about Angela 's Ashes by Frank McCourt , Mike said he wanted to read it so I lent it to him . I read it when my mom was with me . I was in my room reading and got so depressed reading it that I would come out to her and say , " Mom , it has no redeeming value . It was doom and gloom and gloom and doom ! I did not like it . I may have felt that it was too close to my grandparents ' lives ; I didn 't want to imagine in my mind the hopelessness . I was biased with my total Irish roots . Mike was going to his mom 's house the next evening to play piano with a group that played together . He described it as a classical group . Most of the members were as old as his mom ; he was the baby of the group but liked to play with them . His family grew up on the mountain . It may have been Rag Mountain . I was so taken with the vision that he conjured up in my head that I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall . He asked me if I played and I told him that I played guitar and sang . He wanted me to play for him then and there in my house but I passed . I told him that if he played his piano for me I would play my guitar and sing for him . The deal was made ; I would drive out to his home and he would be my guest for dinner and then we would go to his house for a musical evening . Mike lived in a circle of duplex homes . He complained about how the neighborhood had changed and that he wanted to move further west . We took my van and drove to one of the local restaurants in town . He had recommended it . It was Tarara Mill . It was lovely . The dinner was fabulous . I enjoyed filet mignon and he had the fish followed by cups of coffee . It was a slow relaxing feeling in the restaurant . We just enjoyed the time to talk . We drove back to the house and there was the baby grand piano . It dwarfed the rest of the room ; it was beautiful . I could have just spent some time staring at it . Mike was an awesome player . He played some Bach and Beethoven pieces . He was so impressive . I was feeling a bit out of my league . This was sort of like I 'll give you a ride in my Lexus if you give me a ride on your Neon . A deal was a deal though , I got out my guitar and tuned it up . Then I played sang him a few tunes . House at Pooh Corner by Kenny Loggins and Four Green Fields by Tommy Maken and a few others . Mike liked hearing me sing and I loved hearing him play . It was just a fun evening . We had truly enjoyed our time together . I knew that we would probably see each other again as he would do the repair work I would need when I purchased a new home . As much as I would have loved to explore a relationship or a few dates with him , I got the feeling that he was very used to playing the field . I am sure that he looked at my sad life and saw a woman still dealing with her grief and her two kids . I had a great time and that was the memory to keep and of course , his phone number which I used often in the future . 1 . Beware of bad boys2 . Intelligence is very attractive3 . A sense of humor is essential4 . Self - sufficiency is expected5 . A lovely dinner with conversation and a treat at the end of the evening is a great date I needed some electrical work done so I looked in the local yellow pages . I came across a listing for Mike McDonnell . We spoke on the phone and he told me he would be at my house after work to get an idea of the job and then we could set up a time for him to come to do the work . We had a chandelier in the dining room of the house that had been a gift from our realtor when we moved in . It was beautiful and she had her husband who was a fix - it guy do the installation . It never really worked right . All thought it was on a dimmer switch , I wouldn 't turn off . We had to unscrew the bulbs to turn it off . You might be thinking why would anyone do that ? When we moved in , we made it by the skin of our teeth financially . We didn 't have the luxury in our minds of spending $ 300 on a light repair so we didn 't . It seems silly now but it was a reality at the time . Mike came over the following day and took a look at the things I needed for him to do . I needed him to fix the exhaust fan in the bathroom and check the electrical outlets , in addition to the dining room light . I bought a new light for the lamp pole out front and had him change out the light fixtures outside near the front and back doors . He arrived on a Saturday morning to work on the list I had given him . He was a local guy in his forties who lived in Leesburg and had grown up on a mountain south of there . He had quite a southern accent ; he worked for Loudoun County as an electrical inspector . Mike was a talker . I followed him around because I wanted to ask him questions about the house and see if he had any suggestions about the house . We discovered that we had read some of the same books ; he was an avid reader too . He played classical piano and had a baby grand in his living room at home . Mark was very interesting and had a terrific sense of humor . I liked him right away . He was there several hours and we talked quite a bit . He made me laugh and I hadn 't done that in a long time . When he had finished , I hardly charged me for anything . I think it was since I was widowed and had just gone through a tough time with the Red - Headed Roofer . I told him that I couldn 't let him do that so I offered to buy him dinner and told him if he played piano for me , I would sing and play guitar for him . We made a date for the following weekend . I was astounded at what a bold article I was asking him out to dinner . It was simply to return a favor but I was interested in him . We talked several times on the phone . I can 't remember why but his parrot would talk to him . He told me he thought that she should be on Prozac and had to wear a cone because she kept preening her feathers so much that she was tearing off all her feathers . Mike had a son but hadn 't been married . He had lived with his son 's mom but it didn 't work out . The baby was the result of a one night stand , not much to build a relationship on . I could tell it was a source of great pain for him . Mike later told me that the woman had been raped at one point in her life and had a lot of issues that she couldn 't overcome . His son lived with his mom but Mark saw him often . I have rarely met someone whom I felt that I knew immediately ; this is how Mike was . I think that we both were attracted to each other and loved talking and sharing each other 's company . Perhaps it was that we were both lonely . I felt uneasy about the " date " which was more like a payback of a favor . It was the first time I considered going out with anyone after Rick so it was significant . I was excited . I rue the day I called the Acme Roofing Company of Northern Virginia . This was the day that the Red - Headed Roofer from Hell arrived at my doorstep . He was short , around 5 ' 6 " , had the construction , rough - look going and was courteous and made me a good offer on his estimate of the job . Our roof sort of sagged on one end of the house and I was looking for someone to not only replace the roof but to fix the problem . I knew that it would be extra and was willing to pay for it . I wanted someone with structural expertise of roofs . I specifically had him add language to the contract that conveyed that the problem would be corrected . I signed and gave him half of the amount and waited for his call . He called a week later with a Saturday date which was fine with me because I wouldn 't have to take off work to be there . I have a strong disdain for home repair people ; I have a long sordid list of stories that helped me acquire such feelings . Jim was a no - show on Saturday , aggravating ! He called later in the day to say that he could come the following day , Sunday . I wasn 't pleased because it was a day that I had planned to go to plant flowers at Rick 's mom 's house . I would be gone for the afternoon . He told me that it was no problem ; he would see me in the morning . Just as I was about to get into the van to leave , Jim and his men pulled up in front of the house . I had told him that I couldn 't be there and he assured me that it was fine . I had two electrical outlets on the outside of the house that they could use . I gave him my cell phone number and left them to work on my house . I arrived home later that day and there was no sign of them . They finished the roof and left . I looked up at the roof as I drove in and noticed that the roof was still sagging … NOT HAPPY ! I walked across the street to look from there and my neighbor came out to look ; she agreed , sagging . I couldn 't do anything then so I waited until the next day . I made the call and spoke to company representative . I told the person that the job was not done to my satisfaction and that I wanted it fixed . Jim called me back later with a bit of an attitude . He said he would meet me at my home the next evening . He came to my house and walked around it with me , telling me that there was nothing wrong with the roof . I told him that was fine but that I wasn 't satisfied and wouldn 't pay the balance until it was fixed . Jim was more than a little miffed with me . He got very frustrated and started yelling at me . We were standing in the backyard near the gate and I said , " Get out of my yard now ! " He started yelling , " You 're crazy ! You 're going to pay me ! " Then he threw something he had in his hand across my yard . I closed and locked my gate went in my house and called the police . Jack was very scared and Michael was looking antsy ; they knew something was wrong . When the police officer arrived at the door , Jim and his truck were gone . The officer took a report and advised me to call his company and warn them not to send him out to the house again . I was a nervous wreck and frightened that he would return . The officer told me that I should call as soon as I saw him if he should return . I thanked him and he left . The supervisor , Tom was not pleased with the job either . He looked into the attic to see what the problem was : as I had suspected , there was a structural problem . I paid for the materials to fix it . Jim had not done the job . The company sent out another roofer who completed the job . I know that problems with home repair issues are not fun for anyone . I also know that one has to be practical with expectations ; it will never look perfect . However , as a widow , I already felt vulnerable without Rick . The Red - Headed Roofer just made life one bit more miserable at the time . I have used many home repair people since and have had my fair share of both good and bad experiences . It comes with the territory but since I was already on the edge , I didn 't really need one more thing . Jack was a little nervous the first day but once he made it into a boat , he was in heaven . I met my class in the office . There was Charlie . . . I remember my mom describing my father 's calling hours to me when I was younger . " Everyone came to see , Jimmy . I know that going . . .

Jack put an arm out and moved Clarice away from her father . He had a number of reasons he didn 't want to be too close to Damien , but the obvious one was he was afraid of him . " We just want you to stop sending your daughters back in time . That 's all ! Why can 't you do that ? " Jack pleaded . " You can be poor if you want . I don 't want to be . " " Then why don 't you go back yourself ? " Jack asked . " Why do you send your daughters back ? If it 's so important for you to be rich , then you go back and get sick ! " " I 'll send them back whenever I feel like it . And I 'll send them back again as soon as I get rid of you , " Damien said , walking toward Jack . " I 'm done talking with you . " Jack nodded . " I 'm done talking to you , too . " Jack stared past Damien 's shoulder and shook his head sadly . Damien spun around , thinking Clarice was sneaking up on him . Jeb Guthrie stood directly behind Damien . He tossed the second Doorway on top of the first one . " Time to go , big guy , " Jeb said . He flashed Jack a sad smile with his bright , white teeth , then griped Damien in a bear hug . And just like that , they were gone . Clarice stared at Jack from behind the Christmas tree , her eyes wet and shining in the glow from the Christmas lights . " Where did they go ? " Jack opened up the 25th and last door on the Doorway . He pulled out a folded piece of paper . He unfolded it and flattened it out , revealing a brightly colored illustration of a fantastical alien world . " Utopia , " Jack said . * * * * * Clarice had been in state of shock . Or maybe she was just tired - it was almost one in the morning , after all . Either way , Jack sent her to go sleep with her sisters . Told her that he 'd be there in the morning and they could discuss , well , the future . She stumbled off to bed and Jack turned back to the Doorways . He had one more trip to make . * * * * * Clarice woke up , squinting in the bright sunlight . She heard Emma and Nat laughing , but they weren 't in the bed . She wandered into the kitchen and found her sisters on the floor , wrapping paper and ribbon scattered around them , playing with new dolls . Posted by Jack bounced out from behind the Christmas tree and jumped onto his Grandson 's back . He kicked out at the Doorway , hoping to dislodge it , but Damien was too strong . Jack yelled at Clarice to help him , but she cowered behind the tree . Their carefully rehearsed plan was breaking apart already . As Damien swung Jack around , trying to fling him off his back , Jack caught a glimpse of Clarice . She was terrified . Her father still intimidated her to a state of fear ; even after all he had put her through . Damien grunted in frustration and ran backwards , slamming Jack into the wall . Jack was dazed , but held on . Damien slammed him into the wall again . And again . Jack lost his grip around Damien 's neck and slumped down the wall , with his body splayed against the floor and his head wedged at a painful angle against the wall . " I told you to stay in your own time , " Damien said . " Why didn 't you listen to me ? You could have ruined everything ! " " You 're making them sick , " Jack said , rubbing the back of his head . " They 're your own daughters . " Clarice hid on the other side of the tree , searching by her feet to find something to throw at her father . She knew Jack would never be able to handle Damien on his own . And she had already let Jack down once . " We would have been done by now if it wasn 't for you , " Damien screamed . " It 's your fault they 're still having to travel ! " Jack stood up and faced off against his grandson . Jack was about a foot shorter and 100 pounds lighter , but he walked directly in front of Damien . " You can lie to yourself , but I know you better than that , " Jack said . " You 'll never be satisfied with what you have . You 're too greedy . You 'll just keep sending them until they 're too sick to travel . Or until they 're dead . " " No . He won 't , " Clarice said . She reared back and threw an antique snow globe from the mantle beside the Christmas tree . It was heavy ; made with a metal base and a real glass globe . The snow globe smashed into her father 's wrist and Damien dropped tPosted by " Well , how many chances do you want to give him ? " Jack asked . " It seems like he 's already had plenty of opportunities to stop . " " I know , " Clarice said . " Has he stopped sending Nat and Emma back since I was here ? " " No . " Jack held his hands up . He wasn 't going to decide for her , but he sure wasn 't going to defend Damien either . Clarice and Jack were sitting side by side on the floor of her bedroom , leaning against a wall . They both kept a watch on the closed bedroom door , afraid that Damien might somehow sense that Jack was there , but the apartment was dark and quiet . They had been talking for nearly an hour , going over different thoughts , different ideas and plans , different ways to stop Damien from hurting Nat and Emma . There were no good choices . And there were definitely no easy choices . " He 's made the decision for us , " Jack said softly . " He chose money over being a father . And not just once - he 's done it over and over again . " " I know . " " Emma and Nat can 't stop him . They can 't stand up to him . We have to stand up to him . " Clarice put her face in her hands , crying softly . " It can 't wait until next December , " Jack said . " Damien might try to move you guys , or hide you , or something worse . " " You can say it , Jack , " Clarice said . " We can 't wait until next year because I might not be around , right ? " Jack smiled sadly . " We 'll figure something out . " Clarice shook her head . " No , you 're right . But we have to give him one more chance . " Jack nodded . " One last chance . " * * * * * Clarice and Jack stood outside her apartment building . They were both in shorts and t - shirts , but it was still sticky - hot and miserable , even though it was just after two in the morning . " I 've got to do a couple things , to make sure we 're ready , " Jack said . " You just rest up . When I get back , we 'll do it just like we planned . And we can be done with this . Once and for all . " " When will you be back ? " " Christmas Eve , " Jack said . " Just before midnight . " " Hi , Mary , " Jack said . " Do you remember me ? My name - " " Did you find Jeb ? " Mary asked . Jack nodded . " Yeah , I found - " " Get in here . You 're letting all the warm air out . " * * * * * Jack sat across from Mary , warming his hands on a cup of coffee . He hadn 't taken a drink yet and had no plans to do so . Mary hung her head across from him . She looked to be in physical pain . " I don 't want to ask about him . I don 't want to know , " Mary said . " If I was younger . Stronger . I 'd just tell you to go back out the door and go to my grave mad . But I ain 't young . I 'm old . " Jack didn 't know how to respond to that . " Did he say he was sorry ? " Mary asked . " Yes , he did . " " What happened to Matthew ? " Jack shrugged . " It 's hard to explain - " " Don 't act like I 'm some idiot , " Mary said . " Were they traveling through time ? " " Yes . " " Matt killed himself by doing something stupid , didn 't he ? " Mary didn 't wait for an answer . " He never thought about the consequences of the things he did . Neither of them did . " Jack stared into his coffee cup . The surface of the coffee vibrated in his hands , sending tiny waves back and forth across the cup , crashing into each other , merging and fanning out in other directions . " I hated both of them , " Mary said . " I hated them for excluding me from what they were doing . I hated them for treating me like a little girl . I hated Matt for dying - hated him for leaving me alone . " " They didn 't know , " Jack said . " But you know , don 't you ? Did you throw that damn calendar away ? " " Not yet , " Jack said . " There are some other people in trouble because of the calendar , the Doorway . Three girls . " " Tell me , " Mary said . " Your Mom thinks you 're a cutter , " Dr . Colden said . " Are you a cutter ? " " Of course not , " Jack said . " Janet 's watching too many Lifetime movies during the day . She needs to get a job . " Dr . Colden nodded . " Probably . I told her most cutters are depressed young women , not boys . Boys usually get their self - harm kicks in other ways . Like beating their head against a wall or something . " Dr . Colden pulled a stitch tight on Jack 's forehead . " Ouch ! " " Sorry about that , " Dr . Colden said . " So . . . are you depressed ? " " Yes . " " More so than usual ? " " No . " " I figured . " Dr . Colden was Jack 's family doctor . As far as Jack could remember , he had never seen another doctor in his life . Dr . Colden was probably in his forties , although he had hair that was much too long for a doctor and looked about 25 . Dr . Colden was clearly the smartest adult Jack had ever known , yet Jack found it easy to talk to him . " I told Janet , you know , your Mother , that most cutters make small , quick cuts with razor blades anyway , " Dr . Colden said , continuing to stitch up Jack 's forehead . " Not like this huge six - inch gash you 've got on your arm . Tell me one more time how that happened . " " I was running and looking behind me , not paying attention to where I was going , and I ran right into a tree branch - " " Yeah , that sounds right . " " And the branch knocked me down and my arm hit something sharp on the ground - " " Yeah , that sounds wrong . That 's the part I 'm having trouble with . " Dr . Colden snipped off the thread and nodded at his work . He sat down on his stool and spun around twice , then stopped and pointed at Jack . " Do you know that people lie to me all day long , Jack ? Except for maybe a parole officer or a priest , I probably hear more lies than anyone else around . " Jack nodded . " I don 't think you got that cut by falling on the ground , Jack . The branch ? I guess I believe that , it looks about right , but not the arm . Someone cut your arm , Jack , and you need to know that I know that . " Jack nodded again , unable to meet Dr . Colden 's eyes . " I don 't think it was either of your parents because I ' vePosted by Jack ran . He ran across a field and through a ditch , scaring up a batch of ducks . He sprinted across a road and into a neighborhood he didn 't recognize . He cut across a backyard and flew over a playground at a school he didn 't know . He struggled over a shaky , wood slat fence and turned his ankle on a overgrown stump . Jack kept looking behind him , his left arm flailing to keep balance with the weight from the Doorway he held in his right hand . There was no way anyone could have been following him . He didn 't even know where he was . He wasn 't sure when he was . It was the first time Jack had ever tried to jump in time using Jeb 's advice . There was simply no way Damien could know where he was . There was no possible way Damien could have followed him . He ran anyway . Lungs burning , Jack risked another look behind him , wondering if he could slow down soon . Jack turned back around just in time to see the branch from a moss - covered , old apple tree appear in front of his face . It took him just above the eyebrow , knocking him to his knees . Jack tried to get back to his feet , but his legs wouldn 't work right . He fell atop the Doorway and stayed mostly on the right side of consciousness . Damien was big . In the same way that Jack was small , Damien was big . Sometimes you don 't need a lot of qualifiers - Damien was just big . Jack stared up at him , mouth open . He didn 't know what to say , didn 't know what to do . " Cat got your tongue , Grandpa Jack , " Damien said . He turned to Clarice . " Get back in your room . Now . " Clarice shivered like she had a sudden chill , but didn 't move . " Now ! " Damien screamed . Clarice jumped , then slowly backed out of the room until she was out of Damien 's sight . She stayed in the hall though , staring at Jack . She shook her head toward him . Then she did it again . Jack had absolutely no idea what she was trying to tell him . " Why did you come back here ? " Damien asked . " What could she possibly have said to you to make you want to do something so stupid ? " " She told me how you 're hurting her . And how you 're hurting her sisters . " " Why do you care ? " " It 's my fault . I should have gotten rid of that thing a long time ago , " Jack said . " I 'm glad you didn 't . The Doorway opens up so many possibilities . " Jack backed up toward the corner of the bedroom . A bathroom was on his right . And the Doorways were on his left . He stopped directly between the two . " You 're not using it for anything worthwhile . You 're just using it to make money , " Jack said . Damien nodded . " Sounds worthwhile to me . " Jack glanced at the bathroom . Not exactly a superhero - type move to hide in a bathroom , but it would probably have a lock on the door . Maybe he could figure something out after he got in there . Like how to escape . But how could he leave without a Doorway ? " Don 't you even care that you 're hurting them ? " Jack asked . " It 's not easy to see it happen , I 'll admit , " Damien said . " I wish I could figure out a way to stop them from getting sick . " Jack laughed , but it came out as a strangled hiccup . " How about not sending them back ? " Damien shook his head . " No . That 's not an option . Not yet . " Jack slipped a hand into his pants pocket and gripped the screwdriver . " I 'm giving you an opportunity to do the right thing . " " And if I don 't take the opportuPosted by They had a plan . Of sorts . Clarice had left Jack sitting on his bed . She told him she 'd be back that night , very late again , after Damien was asleep . They 'd jump to the future , grab the two Doorways - yes , they were both there - and Jack would come back with both of them . He 'd put them where they 'd never be found , by Damien or anyone else . It didn 't matter if Jack couldn 't destroy them . He 'd bury them 100 feet in the ground if he had to . The basic plan sounded great to Jack . But even he could see it was a little light on detail . * * * * * It was a long , long day . Clarice had told him to get some sleep . She said he 'd have to be rested and ready for their trip that night . Whatever . There was no way Jack could sleep . Or rest . Or even relax . It was Saturday , which made it even worse . No school to distract him . Just a long day of avoiding his Dad , ignoring Janet , and trying to not think about what he had to do later that night . Jack wandered out to the garage . Not exactly a place to revisit old triumphs , but he felt like he needed to take something along as a weapon . He had every intention of getting in and out of there without ever seeing Damien , but , well , things don 't always work out as planned . He had never been a Boy Scout , but he was fully behind the " always be prepared " motto . He thought about the torch and immediately dismissed it . What would he do - ask Damien to wait for a second while he lit it ? He looked over the claw hammer for a moment , but it just seemed too grisly somehow . He didn 't think he could bring himself to hit someone with it , even if he had to . He settled on a short , flathead screwdriver . He could stab with it and he could use it as a knife ; it was brand new and quite sharp . Jack slipped the screwdriver into his pants pocket and prayed he 'd never have to use it . * * * * * The television was showing something - Jack couldn 't really focus on what . It was probably funny because Janet was laughing . Jack excused himself . Said he was tired and was going to go to bed . It was 7 : 15 . His Dad watched him all the way up the Posted by Jack spent Friday at school . There , but not there . Going through the motions with his body while his mind whirled away . The Doorway was gone . And as much as he worried over it , he still had no idea how to get it back . * * * * * It was clear that his Dad and Janet had no idea about the Doorway . They hadn 't taken it away from him - they had forgotten about it completely . Really , there was only one place it could be . Elementary , Jack thought , and then didn 't finish , because it just wasn 't very funny . Damien had it . Damien had the Doorway . He had Jack 's Doorway and he had his own Doorway . Jack wasn 't even sure how it worked . Was Damien sitting now with two Doorways in his room ? Did one disappear when the other one arrived ? What did it matter ? Jack had no way of getting into the future without the Doorway . He was useless here . Jack was afraid Clarice had picked the wrong guy for the job . * * * * * Jack woke up , for the second time this month , with the feeling that someone was staring at him . He rolled onto his back , propped his elbows up and looked down at the end of his bed . Clarice sat quietly , looking out Jack 's window at the starry night . " Hi , Clarice , " Jack said . " Hi , Jack . Sorry to wake you up in the middle of the night . I had to get out while Damien was asleep . " Jack was confused . " I thought you were too old to travel . " " I lied , " Clarice said . " I 'm sorry . " " Jeb told me you didn 't get too old to travel . I wasn 't sure if he was right . Or if you were . " " It was in your notes . Anybody can use the Doorway to travel , at any age . " " So why did you lie to me ? " Jack asked . " I didn 't want you to worry . " They were both quiet for some time . Both thinking their own thoughts , but maybe thinking of the same thing . " You 're sick , aren 't you ? " Jack asked . Clarice just nodded . " From going to the past , " Jack said . It was a statement , not a question . " Damien sent you to the past too often and got you sick . " Clarice turned away and cupped her face into her hands . She started sobbing quietly , small moans of pain coming from deep inside her chest . Jack moved down thePosted by It took five hours and 26 minutes to scrub , dry , and repaint a garage wall , including removal of a plastic kiddie pool and standing water , from said pool , from the garage floor . Jack knew this from experience . After spending all of his evening in the garage , working , Jack did his best to ignore his Father , who was still very upset , and Janet , who was giving him the pity - eyes . He went straight to his bedroom , fell into his bed and was asleep within minutes . * * * * * Jack 's cell phone alarm went off and he tossed it across the room . He put the pillow over his head to cut out the morning sunlight streaming into his room . Thursday . Two days of school left until Christmas break . Nine days left until Christmas . Nine days to figure out how to help Clarice . Nine days to figure out how to stop Damien . Jack tightened down the pillow over his head and reviewed his recent failures . It wasn 't like he was unaccustomed to failure : his Mother leaving him , his Father embarrassed by him , his classmates contemptuous of him . Hey , he had failure down . But this Doorway thing took it to another level . He just couldn 't figure out what to do . He didn 't know how to get Damien to stop sending his daughters to the past and he obviously didn 't know how to destroy the Doorway . Jack rubbed his eyes and and threw the pillow to the floor . He 'd shower and eat something quick . Then he 'd take a slow walk to school to try to come up with a plan . Tossing his covers to join his pillow on the floor , Jack stood up and walked around his bed . He glanced at the Doorway leaning against the wall as he walked by it . Jack stopped and turned around . The Doorway was not leaning against his wall . He turned back and forth , scanning his room . The Doorway was gone . Jack stood in his back yard , shivering in the rain . There was a pile of burnt matches by his feet . The completely undamaged Doorway rested in the grass , soaking up the rain . Trying to burn up the Doorway , in a driving winter rainstorm , with stupid , tiny matches that burned for about five seconds , tops , was perhaps one of the worst ideas Jack had come up with in a long , long time . * * * * * " Let me have the green one , " Jack said . " How old are you ? " the guy behind the counter said . He wore a bright red shirt with a " 7 " on it . The shirt had an impressive collection of stains on it . Beside him , there were about 20 varieties of hot dogs spinning around in a fancy rolling cooker . Jack looked at the guy 's filthy shirt again and figured he 'd order food from the guy about the same time he 'd let him perform a heart transplant . " What 's it matter how old I am ? " Jack asked . " It 's a stupid lighter . " " I could get in trouble , " the guy said , smiling . " What if you go and burn the school down ? " " Then I 'd get a vacation . Just sell it to me already . " The guy giggled . He actually giggled . Perhaps he thought about burning the school down himself . " Five bucks , " the guy said . " It says ninety - nine cents right there ! " " I say five bucks right here . " Jack nodded . " Fine . " He dug in his wallet and threw a ten on the counter . " Thanks . " The guy put the bill in his jeans pocket and leaned back against the wall . " Where 's my change ? " " Take two . It 's a special sale . Today only . " And he giggled again . * * * * * Jack stood in the garage behind his house . He didn 't exactly want to start a fire in here , there were plenty of flammables around , but it was still raining outside and the Doorway was wet enough as it was . He cleared a space in the center of the floor , pushing bikes , folding chairs and a lawnmower out of the way . He stood the Doorway upright on the floor and pulled one of the lighters out of his pocket . Jack cranked the lighter wheel with his thumb and turned the flame up as high as it would go . It wasn 't a very big flame for a five dollar lighter . Jack held the lighterPosted by This was idiotic . Sitting around , talking with Clarice , it had all sounded so simple . Go to the future , meet your great grand daughters and your grandson , and somehow stop your grandson from sending his own daughters back to the past Oh yeah , and make sure you did it all fast , because the girls were all getting sick and once Christmas came and went , it would be another year before he could even get back to them again . Never mind that Jack was 12 years old . Never mind that this Damien was an adult , and apparently a big adult at that . Never mind that Jack had absolutely no idea how to do any of it . Idiotic . * * * * * Jack sat in his room , feeling sorry for himself . As an unpopular 7th grader , feeling sorry for himself was second nature . Hey , if you were going to do something , do it right ! The Doorway leaned against the wall of his bedroom , mocking him . Everyone might blame him for what happened , but he blamed that stupid box . How was he supposed to know what to do ? How could he stop Damien ? Jack had absolutely no idea . All right , think of it a different way . Don 't worry about Damien at all . How about we just get rid of the stinking Doorway completely ? Would that work ? Jack wasn 't sure . If he could destroy the Doorway somehow in the present , would it make it disappear in the future ? Why hadn 't he asked Jeb that ? He could go back and ask him . Waste another day , but he 'd know for sure . Nope , it was time to man up . Jack was tired of messing around . He had 12 days to finish this thing . Jack stood up and pointed at the Doorway . " You 're going down , my friend . " Jack unwrapped his candy cane and stuck it in his mouth . He didn 't even like them much , but Jeb had insisted . Dirty dishes covered the table . They had been sitting at the table for a long time . Much longer than Jack had thought possible , but Jeb covered that first . Up to this point , Jeb had done most of the talking . He told Jack everything he knew about the Doorway . What to do , and more importantly , what not to do . How to use the Doorway and be safe . Jeb 's advice on that was simple : don 't use it . * * * * * " How did your brother die ? " Jack asked . Jeb bit off a large piece of candy cane and chewed it up . It hurt Jack 's teeth just watching it . " We had been using the Doorway for three or four years at that point . We were overconfident . No , that 's putting it too nicely . We were cocky . We thought we could do absolutely anything . And we never thought of the consequences , " Jeb said . He paused for a moment , collecting his thoughts . " Matt loved science fiction when we were kids . He used to watch everything he could - spaceships , robots , aliens . Movies , television , and books - he spent all his free time in his head . In the future . He wanted to be Buck Rogers for real . " " What happened ? " " What happens when you go to the future and there 's no future there ? " Jeb asked . " I told Matt there were risks about going to the future . I mean , who knows what things will look like 100 years in the future ? How about 200 years ? Or 500 years ? I told him over and over , take it easy , don 't push it , just take small steps . But he couldn 't do it . He wanted to be Buck Rogers . " " How far in the future did he go ? " " He had this magazine , " Jeb said . " It was a short story about the year 3000 . In the story , the entire world had evolved . It was a utopia . People didn 't even work , they just played . There was a full - page illustration with the story . It showed a waterfall , a lake , grass and trees , and a bunch of half - dressed women lounging around . Quite the attraction for a teenage boy . " Jack put down his candy cane . His stomach didn 't feel very good . " He never came back , " JePosted by Jack stood in front of his house . Only it wasn 't his house . It would be another ten years before it would become Jack 's house . It was Jebidiah Guthrie 's house . It said so on the mailbox , so it must be true . Jack rang the doorbell and a older man with white hair and a bushy white mustache answered Jack 's front door . If everything he had heard in the last few days was true , Jack figured there was no need to beat around the bush . " Hi , I " m Jack . We need to talk about the advent calendar . " Jebidiah smiled at him , showing teeth so blindingly white they could only have been brand new dentures . " The Doorway ? Come on in . " * * * * * Jeb was kind enough to offer Jack a Pepsi instead of coffee . They sat across from each other at the kitchen table , much like Jack had with Jeb 's sister the day before . " So you live here ? " Jeb asked . " Yeah , " Jack said . " I 've lived here for almost a year . Since my Mom and Dad got a divorce . " " You like it here ? " Jack nudged the candy with his tongue and decided to get to the point . " You 're using the Doorway as a spice rack ? " Jeb glanced at the wall behind him . The Doorway was nailed to the wall above the stove . Every one of the 25 compartments had the door open and was filled with countless bottles and cans of spices . It looked like it had been there for a while . " Yeah , " Jeb said . " It 's pretty useful . " " Why ? " " What would you like me to do with it ? " " Well , " Jack said . " How about , I don 't know , go back in time and do something good ? Do something that would change history for the better . Like , kill Hitler or something . " " Yes , it does inspire those kinds of thoughts , doesn 't it ? " Jeb said . " I 'm not sure it would be that easy ; guards , police , just finding him could prove difficult , but I imagine it could be done . What if I go back and kill Hitler and the guy that takes over for him is even worse ? Or just smarter ? Maybe the next guy would win the war instead of losing it . " " Those are just excuses , " Jack said . " You 're right , they are . You know the real reason I 've never done anything like that ? " Jack shrugged . " Because it 's so Posted by " He 's dead ? " Jack asked . " Good riddance , " the old woman said . " But how ? " " He was old , " the woman said . " I ain 't standing out here in the cold chatting with you . " And she turned around and walked back into the house . She left the door wide open , which Jack figured was good enough as invites go . Jack walked into her living room and glanced around . It wasn 't a guy 's house , that was for sure . There were flowers and lace tablecloths and pillows and some downright scary life - like miniature dolls sitting everywhere . Jack poked his head into the kitchen . " Um , yeah , do you mind if I ask just a few questions about your brother , Mrs . um , Mrs ? " " It 's Mary , " putting water on the stove . " Did you shut the damn door ? " Jack glanced back at the door , knowing it was closed , but not wanting to get Mary upset . More upset . " Yeah , it 's closed . " " Sit down , " Mary told him . Jack sat and watched as Mary poured three heaping teaspoons of instant coffee into two very old mugs . She dumped the steaming water into the mugs and walked them over to the table . She placed one cup of coffee in front of Jack and sat down with the other one cradled in her hands . He didn 't want to be rude , so Jack brought the coffee up to his lips . He had never tried coffee in his life . He took a quick gulp and couldn 't help wincing at the horrible , acrid taste . Mary squinted at him . " You 're too young to know Jeb . Why did you want to talk to him ? " Jack shrugged . " He used to live in our house . I think he left some things behind . I was hoping to ask him about them . " " That wooden calendar . He killed our brother , you know . " Jack was trying to process that Mary knew about the Doorway before she had even moved on to the brother - now his brain was scrambling to catch up . " What ? " Jack said . " He killed his brother ? " " He sure did . " " How ? " " I don 't know , but Matthew was here one day , then the next day we were having his funeral . I was only seven years old . " Jack didn 't know what to think . " So that advent calendar was Jeb 's ? " " Sure was , " Mary said . " And there was something weird about it too . Jeb and Posted by " Hey , Janet , " Jack said . " How 's it going ? " Janet stood with her mouth slightly open , not knowing quite what to say . This was the first time Jack had initiated a conversation with her in , well , ever . " Yeah , so anyway , " Jack said . " Where did you say you found that Advent Calendar that you gave me ? " A huge smile broke across Janet 's face . " Isn 't it fantastic ! I knew you would love it . " Jack nodded . " I do love it . I do . Where did you find it ? " Janet practically sprinted around the table to stand a foot from Jack . " I can show you . I 'd be happy to . " " Nah . Just wondering where . " Janet deflated slightly , her shoulders visibly slumping . " In the corner of the attic , under that mirror . " " Thanks . See ya , " Jack said , walking out of the kitchen . * * * * * Jack stood in the attic with his shirt pulled up over his mouth and nose . It was just rank up here . It was like a combination of dirty socks and rat droppings with a dash of moldy drywall . He couldn 't breathe . Plus , there was absolutely nothing in the corner , under the mirror , except some old Christmas lights and a recliner that was probably both the source of the stank and a cozy home for attic vermin . Jack left . * * * * * " Hey , Dad , " Jack said . " How 's it going ? " " Working . Leave me alone . " Jack nodded and sat down in an overstuffed chair across from his Father 's desk . " So did Janet tell you about that Advent Calendar she gave me ? " " Yes , she did , " his Father said , typing away on his laptop . " Go away . " " She said she got it out of the attic . Do you know where it came from ? " His Father sighed and looked at Jack for the first time . " The previous owner left a bunch of crap in the attic when he moved out . I meant to toss it all , but I haven 't had time . Because I work . From home . Like now . " " Do you know who the previous owner was ? " Jack asked . " Why do you care ? " " I don 't know , " Jack said . " You know , houses , the history of homes . Houses . I don 't know , it 's interesting . " " It 's not , " his Father said . " Besides , you don 't buy houses from the people that own them , you buy them from a realtor . I never even met the guy tPosted by " Comics ? " Jack asked . " Sometimes baseball cards , " Clarice said . " Sometimes coins or stamps . It 's always something that won 't draw too much attention for a couple of six year old girls to buy . And it has to be something that they can carry easily . They can 't go back and buy a grandfather clock or something . " Jack nodded . " That 's smart . " Clarice scowled at him . " Don 't act like Damien is some master criminal pulling off a genius plan . He 's a common thief , willing to hurt his children to make money ! " Jack decided to shut up . They were sitting in a park a few blocks away from Clarice 's apartment . Well , she had called it a park , but to Jack , it looked like a parking lot without cars . There were a few benches and a few tables - that 's it . No grass , no trees , no playground , no fun . Clarice leaned over and hugged Jack quickly , then pulled back . " I 'm sorry , " Clarice said . " I 'm just tense . I know none of this is your fault . " Jack shrugged . " I don 't know . I 'm the one that wrote the notes on how to use this thing . Maybe I should have just burned it instead . " " How could you know ? Some people would actually use it for good reasons . There 's so many ways it could help people , but my Father doesn 't think like that . " " My grandson , " Jack mumbled . Clarice smiled at him . " It must be hard to find out you 're a Father , Grandfather , and Great Grandfather all at once . . . when you 're 12 years old . " " At least I know there 's one girl out there somewhere that won 't tell me to get lost , " Jack said , laughing . " She must be a very smart girl , " Clarice said . " We can hope . " Jack stood up and stretched . " Candy 's almost gone . Let me ask you one more thing . " " Go ahead . " " Why don 't you go back instead of your sisters ? " " There 's something about age . Maybe puberty , or somewhere around there . It just doesn 't work for me anymore . " Jack 's cheeks reddened . " Anyway , it was in your - " " Yeah , my notes , " Jack said . " Why do we only get sick when we go back ? I always feel fine coming here . " " I don 't know . Something about going to the past affects your body . Going to the future doesn 't . Posted by The postcard read " New York City : 1938 - The City of Wonder . " You couldn 't prove it by Jack . The front of the postcard looked like any other old city . He couldn 't imagine why Clarice wanted him to use the Doorway to go back to New York City in 1938 , but that 's what she said . So that 's what he was going to do . Jack looked at his clothes one last time . Clarice had said to look " dull . " He didn 't own a lot of " dull , " but he wore as much brown as he could find and called it good enough . Jack checked his watch , took a deep breath , and tossed the candy into his mouth . * * * * * Even in 1938 , New York City was hopping . Jack moved to the edge of the sidewalk and tried to stay out of the way . He bent over slightly as a sharp pain hit the side of his gut . Jack was afraid he might throw up right there on the sidewalk of The City of Wonder . This time - travel stuff was hard on the stomach . Jack knelt down and took shallow breaths , hoping the sudden nausea would pass . He was so preoccupied with the pain in his stomach , he nearly missed Clarice 's twin sisters walk right by in front of him . Squinting through the pain from the cramps in his gut , Jack hobbled after them . They seemed a little wobbly on their feet as well , and if anything , looked even more pale than they had when Jack had seen them a few days before . The girls - Jack knew now they were Emma and Nat , although he didn 't know which was which - made a beeline for a small drug store at the end of the block . Jack followed them in and watched from a few aisles over as they each grabbed something from a squat wooden rack sitting on the floor . The two girls went up to the front counter and handed a few coins to an elderly man standing behind an equally elderly , but very shiny , cash register . The man put their purchases into a thin paper bag and gave them a slight wave as they turned and left the store . Glancing out the window at the twins , Jack hurried over to the rack and picked up the item that the girls had purchased . It was a comic book . No , Jack thought , it Posted by " No pressure though , right ? " Jack said . Clarice smiled . Then she took the smile away . " We 've got to be fast . When the candy is gone , you 'll go back . " Jack tried to see the joke , but she really didn 't seem like the joking type . " Back where ? " " To your own time . Come on , let 's walk . " Jack hurried to keep up with Clarice . She walked fast . " Oh my God , " Jack said , pulling at his shirt . " Why is it so hot here ? " " It 's pretty normal today , " Clarice said . " It can get much hotter . So do you know how the Doorway works ? " " The what ? " Jack said , not paying attention . He was wondering why the streets were so deserted . " Where is everyone ? " " Inside . Nobody comes out during the day anymore , " Clarice said . She stopped and faced him . " Do you know how the Doorway works ? " " I don 't even know what the Doorway is . What are we talking about ? " Clarice threw her hands up in frustration . " You 're the one that wrote all the notes ! You 're supposed to know everything about it ! That 's why I brought you here ! " Jack shifted the candy from one side of his mouth to the other . He moved one hand in front of her face , his thumb and index finger about a centimeter apart . " Listen , Clarice . I 'm about this close to totally freaking out on you . So can you just relax for a second and tell me what 's going on ? " * * * * * Jack and Clarice sat next to each other on the sidewalk , leaning against the wall of a derelict , abandoned school . Clarice was doing most of the talking . Jack was just sitting , sweating , and listening . The candy was just about gone . " Can 't I take the candy out and hold it or something , " Jack asked . Clarice shook her head . " Because my notes say it won 't work , right ? " She nodded . " So these many , many pages of detailed notes that I wrote about the Doorway - you can 't get them ? " " Damien hid them , " Clarice said . " He knew I was looking for them . I 've only skimmed through them once . " " Why do you call it the Doorway ? " Jack asked . " You 'll see . Tomorrow . " " Did you come up with that name ? The Doorway . . . sounds scary , " Jack said . " It was in your notes . " " Yeah , well , I always was pretty Posted by Bravery , as a concept , is a strange and confusing topic for a twelve year old boy . Every boy knows they 're expected to be brave , even at ten , even at eight , even younger . The movies demand bravery , and reward it handsomely . So do the TV shows , and the cartoons . Lord , even the commercials expect boys to be brave . But what twelve year old is truly brave ? No doubt , there are more than a few that don 't understand the consequences of their actions . Those boys look brave , but are actually more foolish than courageous . Jack knew all this , even though he probably couldn 't have put it into words . Jack also knew he wasn 't particularly brave , but he was definitely smart enough to figure out the consequences for cowards who just tried to act brave . That path led to failure and shame . Find a seventh grade boy who couldn 't tell you that . Which is all a drawn out way to say that Jack was still standing in front of the advent calendar the day after the twin girls had visited him . Jack had done a lot of thinking , but little else . The intellectual route seemed safer than taking the more simple and direct path toward being brave . He had thought about the calendar , about what the girls had said to him , about the candies . About the new photo . The photo the twin girls had given him yesterday was pretty simple . If it was a puzzle that he needed to figure out , Jack wasn 't getting it . It was a picture of the older sister . The girls had called her Clarice . In the photo , Clarice was standing outside a building . The building itself was sort of gray and dingy . It was hard to tell what it was meant to be ; maybe an apartment building . Clarice had on tan shorts and a thin , white cotton shirt . Her brown hair was cut short , her eyes dark and serious . But in this photo , there was one subtle difference in comparison to the first photo : Clarice was smiling . Well , a half - smile anyway . She wasn 't really looking happy , but at least hopeful . Jack thought she was quite pretty when she smiled . * * * * * Jack held the picture in one hand and two candies in the othePosted by Jack was dreaming again . Or he was going crazy again . Well , maybe that was the wrong way to think about it . Maybe he was going crazy still . Whatever . The point was Jack was in his bed and afraid to move . His clock on the bed stand read 4 : 02 AM , which was about right for dream - time , and probably ok for crazy - time as well . Jack assumed anytime was a good time for crazy - time . Jack was afraid to move because there were two girls standing about three feet from his bed , staring at him . They weren 't very scary in and of themselves . They were about six years old or so , definitely twins , and pale as ghosts . They were a bit skinny and unhealthy looking as well . In fact , they could have been ghosts - they were pale almost to the point of translucence . But what really scared Jack about these two girls was the fact that they seemed quite real . He could see their shadows , which the glow of his alarm clock cast out behind them . He could see dark circles under their eyes , like they hadn 't slept well in weeks . He could even sort of smell them . They smelled sweet and somehow sickly at the same time , like someone with the flu who had just taken a teaspoon of disgustingly sweet grape cough syrup . He was no expert , but Jack didn 't think dreams ever had quite this level of detail to them . Finally , he was afraid to move because he slept in his underwear , and six years old or not , Jack wasn 't running from his room , in his underwear , in front of two girls . Jack raised his hand to them : half wave , half don 't - move - any - closer . " Hi , Jack , " said the one on the left . The girl on the right just give a small , quick smile at Jack . Then she looked down like her feet were more interesting than Jack . Jack squeaked . He meant to say " hi " back to them , but it just didn 't come out . " We were supposed to come give you a message , " the girl on the left said . Then she looked at her twin . Her twin just kept staring at her shoes . " She needs you to hurry up . " " Who ? " Jack asked . " Who needs me to hurry up ? " " Clarice , " the girl on tPosted by Jack didn 't want to get out of bed . In fact , he wasn 't going to get out of bed . He was going to tell Janet he was sick and staying home from school and that was that . And to be honest , he didn 't feel that great . Ever since his episode the day before ( that 's what Jack called it , " the episode ; " what was he supposed to call it ? ) , he 'd had a headache , and his chest and back were sore , like he had the flu or something . That wasn 't the only problem of course . Jack couldn 't lie to himself - he was scared . He was scared of what happened the day before . He was scared that he had imagined the whole thing . He was scared he had gone a little crazy . He was scared of the advent calendar . There was absolutely no reason for Jack to believe that the advent calendar had caused the episode the day before . No reason whatsoever . But Jack did believe it . It was officially December 4th . According to Jack 's watch , it had been December 4th for about seven hours and 24 minutes now . It was indeed official . Jack could march over and open the fourth door in the calendar without a pang of guilt . People all over the world were opening all sorts of fourth doors on their very own advent calendars . It was the obvious and normal thing to do . But Jack wasn 't going to do it . His Mother had left him once . She had turned her back on him and deserted him . Why would he want to see her again ? Why would he want to go through that again ? Even if he was dreaming the whole thing , why would he possibly want to give her the chance to leave him again ? Jack was alone in his room , but he still moved his blanket up over his face to hide his tears . If he hid them , then she hadn 't hurt him . And he wasn 't going to let her hurt him again . Jack came home from school and walked directly to his room . Usually he would toss his backpack in front of the door and plop down on the couch - play some video games , maybe have some pretzels or something . Today , he wanted to check out the advent calendar a little more . His new mom , Janet , hated it when he went into his room and closed his door . So Jack made sure to close the door behind him . Jack wished he hadn 't ignored Janet so well the day before . What had she said - she found the calendar in the attic ? So where did the weird photo come from ? Jack couldn 't imagine Janet putting it in there as some kind of joke . She was too vanilla for that . So where did it come from ? Propping the advent calendar up against his wall , Jack studied it closely . He pulled open the door marked " 1 " and looked in . Nothing . It was completely empty . He opened the door marked " 2 " and checked inside . It was empty too . He tried the third door . There was a bright blue , almost phosphorescent , round candy hiding in the corner of the little compartment . Jack pulled it out and looked at it . A little dusty , but nothing he couldn 't handle . He wiped it off on his shirt while trying to open the fourth door . The door marked " 4 " would not budge . Neither would " 5 , " " 6 , " " 14 , " or " 18 . " Jack tried all of them . They were totally stuck . Which was pretty bizarre . Jack tried the first three doors again - opened and closed . They worked perfectly . The hinges were smooth and silent and the wood didn 't even rub when the doors were closed : the fit was as true as it could possibly be . Well , OK , it was December 3rd , so maybe the other doors weren 't supposed to open yet , but Jack didn 't see any kind of lock on any of the doors , including the first three that had opened . So it would be a pretty good trick to keep them closed until the day they were supposed to open . He figured he had to be missing something . Jack shook his head , wishing Janet wouldn 't sneak into his room , even if it was to give him candy . His real Mom wouPosted by Jack woke up , slid his feet onto the floor and rubbed his face . Two more weeks of school until Christmas break . That was a long , long time . He wasn 't sure he could take it . School had not been easy for him lately . Jack appreciated reading all of the bullying articles in the news lately . He wondered , why not me ? Where are my bullies ? At least bullies would mean someone was paying attention to him . Instead , Jack drifted through school from day to day without creating so much as a ripple among the ocean of students he came in contact with . It didn 't help that Jack was sort of small and sort of scrawny . That was Janet 's fault . Jack had not grown since his parents had divorced 19 months earlier . Literally , he had not grown a centimeter . It was like the bad feelings and the rejection he felt from his Mother leaving and Janet moving in had settled right in his spine and weighed him down . Standing up like he was 80 instead of 12 , Jack creaked over to his door to head to the bathroom . And tripped over the advent calendar and fell , face first , onto the shag carpet . Jack rolled over , rubbing the pain out of his toes . How , HOW , could a stubbed toe hurt like that ? Janet must have left the stupid thing leaning against his door . He walked back into his room and carefully put on one sock and one shoe , on his good foot . Then he limped back out , circled the advent calendar , and kicked it as hard as he could . The wood box flew across his bedroom and crashed into the far wall . Then Jack hobbled , lopsided on one shoe , to the bathroom . After showering , then slouching through yet another bowl of cereal for breakfast , Jack was headed out the door to run to school - he was late - when he stepped on the photo from the advent calendar . It must have fallen out of the calendar when he kicked it . He picked it up and stuffed it into the pocket of his hoodie as he ran out the door . * * * * * If there was something more boring than seventh grade math , Jack hadn 't found it . He sat in the back row of the class and looked over the photo from the aPosted by The thing had to be 100 years old . At least . It was a box . Sort of . Maybe a cabinet . Kind of . It was about two feet wide and about two feet tall , but it wasn 't quite square . Maybe just a touch taller than wide . It was a few inches deep . The box was made out of dark , smooth wood , not varnished at all , but still polished and clean , like it had been rubbed over by scores of hands through the years . And it had 25 little doors with 25 little metal hinges . There were magnificently ornate numbers carved into each door , from one to twenty - five . It had dust caked in the corners . There were spider webs across the back of the cabinet . The whole thing looked like it had been buried in an attic for generations . " Isn 't it gorgeous ? " Jack 's Mom said . Well , Jack 's " new " Mom anyway . Janet . " I found it in the attic , " she said . Jack looked at her like she was an alien . " What is it ? " " An advent calendar . It 's for you , " she said . " All right , " Jack said . And it can go right back into the attic for all I care , Jack thought . " Only the first door will open , " Janet said . " I can 't seem to get the rest open . " " Great . Could it be more useless ? I mean that 's the whole point of the thing , right ? " Jack said . " You 've got to open it up to put stuff in there for me to find . Like money , I hope . " Janet 's smile faltered only slightly . " Well , there was an old photo in the first door , " she said . " Maybe there will be more treasures if you can get the other doors open . " Jack nodded then walked into his room , closing his door behind him and leaving the advent calendar at his new mother 's feet . Scott and Jennifer have teamed up many times over the last several years to create a seasonal holiday story to share with friends and family . This will be their first year publishing their story on - line for a daily chapter leading up to Christmas Day . Please sit back with a cup of cocoa by a warm fire and enjoy their latest story : 25 DOORS

Jack put an arm out and moved Clarice away from her father . He had a number of reasons he didn 't want to be too close to Damien , but the obvious one was he was afraid of him . " We just want you to stop sending your daughters back in time . That 's all ! Why can 't you do that ? " Jack pleaded . " You can be poor if you want . I don 't want to be . " " Then why don 't you go back yourself ? " Jack asked . " Why do you send your daughters back ? If it 's so important for you to be rich , then you go back and get sick ! " " I 'll send them back whenever I feel like it . And I 'll send them back again as soon as I get rid of you , " Damien said , walking toward Jack . " I 'm done talking with you . " Jack nodded . " I 'm done talking to you , too . " Jack stared past Damien 's shoulder and shook his head sadly . Damien spun around , thinking Clarice was sneaking up on him . Jeb Guthrie stood directly behind Damien . He tossed the second Doorway on top of the first one . " Time to go , big guy , " Jeb said . He flashed Jack a sad smile with his bright , white teeth , then griped Damien in a bear hug . And just like that , they were gone . Clarice stared at Jack from behind the Christmas tree , her eyes wet and shining in the glow from the Christmas lights . " Where did they go ? " Jack opened up the 25th and last door on the Doorway . He pulled out a folded piece of paper . He unfolded it and flattened it out , revealing a brightly colored illustration of a fantastical alien world . " Utopia , " Jack said . * * * * * Clarice had been in state of shock . Or maybe she was just tired - it was almost one in the morning , after all . Either way , Jack sent her to go sleep with her sisters . Told her that he 'd be there in the morning and they could discuss , well , the future . She stumbled off to bed and Jack turned back to the Doorways . He had one more trip to make . * * * * * Clarice woke up , squinting in the bright sunlight . She heard Emma and Nat laughing , but they weren 't in the bed . She wandered into the kitchen and found her sisters on the floor , wrapping paper and ribbon scattered around them , playing with new dolls . Posted by Jack bounced out from behind the Christmas tree and jumped onto his Grandson 's back . He kicked out at the Doorway , hoping to dislodge it , but Damien was too strong . Jack yelled at Clarice to help him , but she cowered behind the tree . Their carefully rehearsed plan was breaking apart already . As Damien swung Jack around , trying to fling him off his back , Jack caught a glimpse of Clarice . She was terrified . Her father still intimidated her to a state of fear ; even after all he had put her through . Damien grunted in frustration and ran backwards , slamming Jack into the wall . Jack was dazed , but held on . Damien slammed him into the wall again . And again . Jack lost his grip around Damien 's neck and slumped down the wall , with his body splayed against the floor and his head wedged at a painful angle against the wall . " I told you to stay in your own time , " Damien said . " Why didn 't you listen to me ? You could have ruined everything ! " " You 're making them sick , " Jack said , rubbing the back of his head . " They 're your own daughters . " Clarice hid on the other side of the tree , searching by her feet to find something to throw at her father . She knew Jack would never be able to handle Damien on his own . And she had already let Jack down once . " We would have been done by now if it wasn 't for you , " Damien screamed . " It 's your fault they 're still having to travel ! " Jack stood up and faced off against his grandson . Jack was about a foot shorter and 100 pounds lighter , but he walked directly in front of Damien . " You can lie to yourself , but I know you better than that , " Jack said . " You 'll never be satisfied with what you have . You 're too greedy . You 'll just keep sending them until they 're too sick to travel . Or until they 're dead . " " No . He won 't , " Clarice said . She reared back and threw an antique snow globe from the mantle beside the Christmas tree . It was heavy ; made with a metal base and a real glass globe . The snow globe smashed into her father 's wrist and Damien dropped tPosted by " Well , how many chances do you want to give him ? " Jack asked . " It seems like he 's already had plenty of opportunities to stop . " " I know , " Clarice said . " Has he stopped sending Nat and Emma back since I was here ? " " No . " Jack held his hands up . He wasn 't going to decide for her , but he sure wasn 't going to defend Damien either . Clarice and Jack were sitting side by side on the floor of her bedroom , leaning against a wall . They both kept a watch on the closed bedroom door , afraid that Damien might somehow sense that Jack was there , but the apartment was dark and quiet . They had been talking for nearly an hour , going over different thoughts , different ideas and plans , different ways to stop Damien from hurting Nat and Emma . There were no good choices . And there were definitely no easy choices . " He 's made the decision for us , " Jack said softly . " He chose money over being a father . And not just once - he 's done it over and over again . " " I know . " " Emma and Nat can 't stop him . They can 't stand up to him . We have to stand up to him . " Clarice put her face in her hands , crying softly . " It can 't wait until next December , " Jack said . " Damien might try to move you guys , or hide you , or something worse . " " You can say it , Jack , " Clarice said . " We can 't wait until next year because I might not be around , right ? " Jack smiled sadly . " We 'll figure something out . " Clarice shook her head . " No , you 're right . But we have to give him one more chance . " Jack nodded . " One last chance . " * * * * * Clarice and Jack stood outside her apartment building . They were both in shorts and t - shirts , but it was still sticky - hot and miserable , even though it was just after two in the morning . " I 've got to do a couple things , to make sure we 're ready , " Jack said . " You just rest up . When I get back , we 'll do it just like we planned . And we can be done with this . Once and for all . " " When will you be back ? " " Christmas Eve , " Jack said . " Just before midnight . " " Hi , Mary , " Jack said . " Do you remember me ? My name - " " Did you find Jeb ? " Mary asked . Jack nodded . " Yeah , I found - " " Get in here . You 're letting all the warm air out . " * * * * * Jack sat across from Mary , warming his hands on a cup of coffee . He hadn 't taken a drink yet and had no plans to do so . Mary hung her head across from him . She looked to be in physical pain . " I don 't want to ask about him . I don 't want to know , " Mary said . " If I was younger . Stronger . I 'd just tell you to go back out the door and go to my grave mad . But I ain 't young . I 'm old . " Jack didn 't know how to respond to that . " Did he say he was sorry ? " Mary asked . " Yes , he did . " " What happened to Matthew ? " Jack shrugged . " It 's hard to explain - " " Don 't act like I 'm some idiot , " Mary said . " Were they traveling through time ? " " Yes . " " Matt killed himself by doing something stupid , didn 't he ? " Mary didn 't wait for an answer . " He never thought about the consequences of the things he did . Neither of them did . " Jack stared into his coffee cup . The surface of the coffee vibrated in his hands , sending tiny waves back and forth across the cup , crashing into each other , merging and fanning out in other directions . " I hated both of them , " Mary said . " I hated them for excluding me from what they were doing . I hated them for treating me like a little girl . I hated Matt for dying - hated him for leaving me alone . " " They didn 't know , " Jack said . " But you know , don 't you ? Did you throw that damn calendar away ? " " Not yet , " Jack said . " There are some other people in trouble because of the calendar , the Doorway . Three girls . " " Tell me , " Mary said . " Your Mom thinks you 're a cutter , " Dr . Colden said . " Are you a cutter ? " " Of course not , " Jack said . " Janet 's watching too many Lifetime movies during the day . She needs to get a job . " Dr . Colden nodded . " Probably . I told her most cutters are depressed young women , not boys . Boys usually get their self - harm kicks in other ways . Like beating their head against a wall or something . " Dr . Colden pulled a stitch tight on Jack 's forehead . " Ouch ! " " Sorry about that , " Dr . Colden said . " So . . . are you depressed ? " " Yes . " " More so than usual ? " " No . " " I figured . " Dr . Colden was Jack 's family doctor . As far as Jack could remember , he had never seen another doctor in his life . Dr . Colden was probably in his forties , although he had hair that was much too long for a doctor and looked about 25 . Dr . Colden was clearly the smartest adult Jack had ever known , yet Jack found it easy to talk to him . " I told Janet , you know , your Mother , that most cutters make small , quick cuts with razor blades anyway , " Dr . Colden said , continuing to stitch up Jack 's forehead . " Not like this huge six - inch gash you 've got on your arm . Tell me one more time how that happened . " " I was running and looking behind me , not paying attention to where I was going , and I ran right into a tree branch - " " Yeah , that sounds right . " " And the branch knocked me down and my arm hit something sharp on the ground - " " Yeah , that sounds wrong . That 's the part I 'm having trouble with . " Dr . Colden snipped off the thread and nodded at his work . He sat down on his stool and spun around twice , then stopped and pointed at Jack . " Do you know that people lie to me all day long , Jack ? Except for maybe a parole officer or a priest , I probably hear more lies than anyone else around . " Jack nodded . " I don 't think you got that cut by falling on the ground , Jack . The branch ? I guess I believe that , it looks about right , but not the arm . Someone cut your arm , Jack , and you need to know that I know that . " Jack nodded again , unable to meet Dr . Colden 's eyes . " I don 't think it was either of your parents because I ' vePosted by Jack ran . He ran across a field and through a ditch , scaring up a batch of ducks . He sprinted across a road and into a neighborhood he didn 't recognize . He cut across a backyard and flew over a playground at a school he didn 't know . He struggled over a shaky , wood slat fence and turned his ankle on a overgrown stump . Jack kept looking behind him , his left arm flailing to keep balance with the weight from the Doorway he held in his right hand . There was no way anyone could have been following him . He didn 't even know where he was . He wasn 't sure when he was . It was the first time Jack had ever tried to jump in time using Jeb 's advice . There was simply no way Damien could know where he was . There was no possible way Damien could have followed him . He ran anyway . Lungs burning , Jack risked another look behind him , wondering if he could slow down soon . Jack turned back around just in time to see the branch from a moss - covered , old apple tree appear in front of his face . It took him just above the eyebrow , knocking him to his knees . Jack tried to get back to his feet , but his legs wouldn 't work right . He fell atop the Doorway and stayed mostly on the right side of consciousness . Damien was big . In the same way that Jack was small , Damien was big . Sometimes you don 't need a lot of qualifiers - Damien was just big . Jack stared up at him , mouth open . He didn 't know what to say , didn 't know what to do . " Cat got your tongue , Grandpa Jack , " Damien said . He turned to Clarice . " Get back in your room . Now . " Clarice shivered like she had a sudden chill , but didn 't move . " Now ! " Damien screamed . Clarice jumped , then slowly backed out of the room until she was out of Damien 's sight . She stayed in the hall though , staring at Jack . She shook her head toward him . Then she did it again . Jack had absolutely no idea what she was trying to tell him . " Why did you come back here ? " Damien asked . " What could she possibly have said to you to make you want to do something so stupid ? " " She told me how you 're hurting her . And how you 're hurting her sisters . " " Why do you care ? " " It 's my fault . I should have gotten rid of that thing a long time ago , " Jack said . " I 'm glad you didn 't . The Doorway opens up so many possibilities . " Jack backed up toward the corner of the bedroom . A bathroom was on his right . And the Doorways were on his left . He stopped directly between the two . " You 're not using it for anything worthwhile . You 're just using it to make money , " Jack said . Damien nodded . " Sounds worthwhile to me . " Jack glanced at the bathroom . Not exactly a superhero - type move to hide in a bathroom , but it would probably have a lock on the door . Maybe he could figure something out after he got in there . Like how to escape . But how could he leave without a Doorway ? " Don 't you even care that you 're hurting them ? " Jack asked . " It 's not easy to see it happen , I 'll admit , " Damien said . " I wish I could figure out a way to stop them from getting sick . " Jack laughed , but it came out as a strangled hiccup . " How about not sending them back ? " Damien shook his head . " No . That 's not an option . Not yet . " Jack slipped a hand into his pants pocket and gripped the screwdriver . " I 'm giving you an opportunity to do the right thing . " " And if I don 't take the opportuPosted by They had a plan . Of sorts . Clarice had left Jack sitting on his bed . She told him she 'd be back that night , very late again , after Damien was asleep . They 'd jump to the future , grab the two Doorways - yes , they were both there - and Jack would come back with both of them . He 'd put them where they 'd never be found , by Damien or anyone else . It didn 't matter if Jack couldn 't destroy them . He 'd bury them 100 feet in the ground if he had to . The basic plan sounded great to Jack . But even he could see it was a little light on detail . * * * * * It was a long , long day . Clarice had told him to get some sleep . She said he 'd have to be rested and ready for their trip that night . Whatever . There was no way Jack could sleep . Or rest . Or even relax . It was Saturday , which made it even worse . No school to distract him . Just a long day of avoiding his Dad , ignoring Janet , and trying to not think about what he had to do later that night . Jack wandered out to the garage . Not exactly a place to revisit old triumphs , but he felt like he needed to take something along as a weapon . He had every intention of getting in and out of there without ever seeing Damien , but , well , things don 't always work out as planned . He had never been a Boy Scout , but he was fully behind the " always be prepared " motto . He thought about the torch and immediately dismissed it . What would he do - ask Damien to wait for a second while he lit it ? He looked over the claw hammer for a moment , but it just seemed too grisly somehow . He didn 't think he could bring himself to hit someone with it , even if he had to . He settled on a short , flathead screwdriver . He could stab with it and he could use it as a knife ; it was brand new and quite sharp . Jack slipped the screwdriver into his pants pocket and prayed he 'd never have to use it . * * * * * The television was showing something - Jack couldn 't really focus on what . It was probably funny because Janet was laughing . Jack excused himself . Said he was tired and was going to go to bed . It was 7 : 15 . His Dad watched him all the way up the Posted by Jack spent Friday at school . There , but not there . Going through the motions with his body while his mind whirled away . The Doorway was gone . And as much as he worried over it , he still had no idea how to get it back . * * * * * It was clear that his Dad and Janet had no idea about the Doorway . They hadn 't taken it away from him - they had forgotten about it completely . Really , there was only one place it could be . Elementary , Jack thought , and then didn 't finish , because it just wasn 't very funny . Damien had it . Damien had the Doorway . He had Jack 's Doorway and he had his own Doorway . Jack wasn 't even sure how it worked . Was Damien sitting now with two Doorways in his room ? Did one disappear when the other one arrived ? What did it matter ? Jack had no way of getting into the future without the Doorway . He was useless here . Jack was afraid Clarice had picked the wrong guy for the job . * * * * * Jack woke up , for the second time this month , with the feeling that someone was staring at him . He rolled onto his back , propped his elbows up and looked down at the end of his bed . Clarice sat quietly , looking out Jack 's window at the starry night . " Hi , Clarice , " Jack said . " Hi , Jack . Sorry to wake you up in the middle of the night . I had to get out while Damien was asleep . " Jack was confused . " I thought you were too old to travel . " " I lied , " Clarice said . " I 'm sorry . " " Jeb told me you didn 't get too old to travel . I wasn 't sure if he was right . Or if you were . " " It was in your notes . Anybody can use the Doorway to travel , at any age . " " So why did you lie to me ? " Jack asked . " I didn 't want you to worry . " They were both quiet for some time . Both thinking their own thoughts , but maybe thinking of the same thing . " You 're sick , aren 't you ? " Jack asked . Clarice just nodded . " From going to the past , " Jack said . It was a statement , not a question . " Damien sent you to the past too often and got you sick . " Clarice turned away and cupped her face into her hands . She started sobbing quietly , small moans of pain coming from deep inside her chest . Jack moved down thePosted by It took five hours and 26 minutes to scrub , dry , and repaint a garage wall , including removal of a plastic kiddie pool and standing water , from said pool , from the garage floor . Jack knew this from experience . After spending all of his evening in the garage , working , Jack did his best to ignore his Father , who was still very upset , and Janet , who was giving him the pity - eyes . He went straight to his bedroom , fell into his bed and was asleep within minutes . * * * * * Jack 's cell phone alarm went off and he tossed it across the room . He put the pillow over his head to cut out the morning sunlight streaming into his room . Thursday . Two days of school left until Christmas break . Nine days left until Christmas . Nine days to figure out how to help Clarice . Nine days to figure out how to stop Damien . Jack tightened down the pillow over his head and reviewed his recent failures . It wasn 't like he was unaccustomed to failure : his Mother leaving him , his Father embarrassed by him , his classmates contemptuous of him . Hey , he had failure down . But this Doorway thing took it to another level . He just couldn 't figure out what to do . He didn 't know how to get Damien to stop sending his daughters to the past and he obviously didn 't know how to destroy the Doorway . Jack rubbed his eyes and and threw the pillow to the floor . He 'd shower and eat something quick . Then he 'd take a slow walk to school to try to come up with a plan . Tossing his covers to join his pillow on the floor , Jack stood up and walked around his bed . He glanced at the Doorway leaning against the wall as he walked by it . Jack stopped and turned around . The Doorway was not leaning against his wall . He turned back and forth , scanning his room . The Doorway was gone . Jack stood in his back yard , shivering in the rain . There was a pile of burnt matches by his feet . The completely undamaged Doorway rested in the grass , soaking up the rain . Trying to burn up the Doorway , in a driving winter rainstorm , with stupid , tiny matches that burned for about five seconds , tops , was perhaps one of the worst ideas Jack had come up with in a long , long time . * * * * * " Let me have the green one , " Jack said . " How old are you ? " the guy behind the counter said . He wore a bright red shirt with a " 7 " on it . The shirt had an impressive collection of stains on it . Beside him , there were about 20 varieties of hot dogs spinning around in a fancy rolling cooker . Jack looked at the guy 's filthy shirt again and figured he 'd order food from the guy about the same time he 'd let him perform a heart transplant . " What 's it matter how old I am ? " Jack asked . " It 's a stupid lighter . " " I could get in trouble , " the guy said , smiling . " What if you go and burn the school down ? " " Then I 'd get a vacation . Just sell it to me already . " The guy giggled . He actually giggled . Perhaps he thought about burning the school down himself . " Five bucks , " the guy said . " It says ninety - nine cents right there ! " " I say five bucks right here . " Jack nodded . " Fine . " He dug in his wallet and threw a ten on the counter . " Thanks . " The guy put the bill in his jeans pocket and leaned back against the wall . " Where 's my change ? " " Take two . It 's a special sale . Today only . " And he giggled again . * * * * * Jack stood in the garage behind his house . He didn 't exactly want to start a fire in here , there were plenty of flammables around , but it was still raining outside and the Doorway was wet enough as it was . He cleared a space in the center of the floor , pushing bikes , folding chairs and a lawnmower out of the way . He stood the Doorway upright on the floor and pulled one of the lighters out of his pocket . Jack cranked the lighter wheel with his thumb and turned the flame up as high as it would go . It wasn 't a very big flame for a five dollar lighter . Jack held the lighterPosted by This was idiotic . Sitting around , talking with Clarice , it had all sounded so simple . Go to the future , meet your great grand daughters and your grandson , and somehow stop your grandson from sending his own daughters back to the past Oh yeah , and make sure you did it all fast , because the girls were all getting sick and once Christmas came and went , it would be another year before he could even get back to them again . Never mind that Jack was 12 years old . Never mind that this Damien was an adult , and apparently a big adult at that . Never mind that Jack had absolutely no idea how to do any of it . Idiotic . * * * * * Jack sat in his room , feeling sorry for himself . As an unpopular 7th grader , feeling sorry for himself was second nature . Hey , if you were going to do something , do it right ! The Doorway leaned against the wall of his bedroom , mocking him . Everyone might blame him for what happened , but he blamed that stupid box . How was he supposed to know what to do ? How could he stop Damien ? Jack had absolutely no idea . All right , think of it a different way . Don 't worry about Damien at all . How about we just get rid of the stinking Doorway completely ? Would that work ? Jack wasn 't sure . If he could destroy the Doorway somehow in the present , would it make it disappear in the future ? Why hadn 't he asked Jeb that ? He could go back and ask him . Waste another day , but he 'd know for sure . Nope , it was time to man up . Jack was tired of messing around . He had 12 days to finish this thing . Jack stood up and pointed at the Doorway . " You 're going down , my friend . " Jack unwrapped his candy cane and stuck it in his mouth . He didn 't even like them much , but Jeb had insisted . Dirty dishes covered the table . They had been sitting at the table for a long time . Much longer than Jack had thought possible , but Jeb covered that first . Up to this point , Jeb had done most of the talking . He told Jack everything he knew about the Doorway . What to do , and more importantly , what not to do . How to use the Doorway and be safe . Jeb 's advice on that was simple : don 't use it . * * * * * " How did your brother die ? " Jack asked . Jeb bit off a large piece of candy cane and chewed it up . It hurt Jack 's teeth just watching it . " We had been using the Doorway for three or four years at that point . We were overconfident . No , that 's putting it too nicely . We were cocky . We thought we could do absolutely anything . And we never thought of the consequences , " Jeb said . He paused for a moment , collecting his thoughts . " Matt loved science fiction when we were kids . He used to watch everything he could - spaceships , robots , aliens . Movies , television , and books - he spent all his free time in his head . In the future . He wanted to be Buck Rogers for real . " " What happened ? " " What happens when you go to the future and there 's no future there ? " Jeb asked . " I told Matt there were risks about going to the future . I mean , who knows what things will look like 100 years in the future ? How about 200 years ? Or 500 years ? I told him over and over , take it easy , don 't push it , just take small steps . But he couldn 't do it . He wanted to be Buck Rogers . " " How far in the future did he go ? " " He had this magazine , " Jeb said . " It was a short story about the year 3000 . In the story , the entire world had evolved . It was a utopia . People didn 't even work , they just played . There was a full - page illustration with the story . It showed a waterfall , a lake , grass and trees , and a bunch of half - dressed women lounging around . Quite the attraction for a teenage boy . " Jack put down his candy cane . His stomach didn 't feel very good . " He never came back , " JePosted by Jack stood in front of his house . Only it wasn 't his house . It would be another ten years before it would become Jack 's house . It was Jebidiah Guthrie 's house . It said so on the mailbox , so it must be true . Jack rang the doorbell and a older man with white hair and a bushy white mustache answered Jack 's front door . If everything he had heard in the last few days was true , Jack figured there was no need to beat around the bush . " Hi , I " m Jack . We need to talk about the advent calendar . " Jebidiah smiled at him , showing teeth so blindingly white they could only have been brand new dentures . " The Doorway ? Come on in . " * * * * * Jeb was kind enough to offer Jack a Pepsi instead of coffee . They sat across from each other at the kitchen table , much like Jack had with Jeb 's sister the day before . " So you live here ? " Jeb asked . " Yeah , " Jack said . " I 've lived here for almost a year . Since my Mom and Dad got a divorce . " " You like it here ? " Jack nudged the candy with his tongue and decided to get to the point . " You 're using the Doorway as a spice rack ? " Jeb glanced at the wall behind him . The Doorway was nailed to the wall above the stove . Every one of the 25 compartments had the door open and was filled with countless bottles and cans of spices . It looked like it had been there for a while . " Yeah , " Jeb said . " It 's pretty useful . " " Why ? " " What would you like me to do with it ? " " Well , " Jack said . " How about , I don 't know , go back in time and do something good ? Do something that would change history for the better . Like , kill Hitler or something . " " Yes , it does inspire those kinds of thoughts , doesn 't it ? " Jeb said . " I 'm not sure it would be that easy ; guards , police , just finding him could prove difficult , but I imagine it could be done . What if I go back and kill Hitler and the guy that takes over for him is even worse ? Or just smarter ? Maybe the next guy would win the war instead of losing it . " " Those are just excuses , " Jack said . " You 're right , they are . You know the real reason I 've never done anything like that ? " Jack shrugged . " Because it 's so Posted by " He 's dead ? " Jack asked . " Good riddance , " the old woman said . " But how ? " " He was old , " the woman said . " I ain 't standing out here in the cold chatting with you . " And she turned around and walked back into the house . She left the door wide open , which Jack figured was good enough as invites go . Jack walked into her living room and glanced around . It wasn 't a guy 's house , that was for sure . There were flowers and lace tablecloths and pillows and some downright scary life - like miniature dolls sitting everywhere . Jack poked his head into the kitchen . " Um , yeah , do you mind if I ask just a few questions about your brother , Mrs . um , Mrs ? " " It 's Mary , " putting water on the stove . " Did you shut the damn door ? " Jack glanced back at the door , knowing it was closed , but not wanting to get Mary upset . More upset . " Yeah , it 's closed . " " Sit down , " Mary told him . Jack sat and watched as Mary poured three heaping teaspoons of instant coffee into two very old mugs . She dumped the steaming water into the mugs and walked them over to the table . She placed one cup of coffee in front of Jack and sat down with the other one cradled in her hands . He didn 't want to be rude , so Jack brought the coffee up to his lips . He had never tried coffee in his life . He took a quick gulp and couldn 't help wincing at the horrible , acrid taste . Mary squinted at him . " You 're too young to know Jeb . Why did you want to talk to him ? " Jack shrugged . " He used to live in our house . I think he left some things behind . I was hoping to ask him about them . " " That wooden calendar . He killed our brother , you know . " Jack was trying to process that Mary knew about the Doorway before she had even moved on to the brother - now his brain was scrambling to catch up . " What ? " Jack said . " He killed his brother ? " " He sure did . " " How ? " " I don 't know , but Matthew was here one day , then the next day we were having his funeral . I was only seven years old . " Jack didn 't know what to think . " So that advent calendar was Jeb 's ? " " Sure was , " Mary said . " And there was something weird about it too . Jeb and Posted by " Hey , Janet , " Jack said . " How 's it going ? " Janet stood with her mouth slightly open , not knowing quite what to say . This was the first time Jack had initiated a conversation with her in , well , ever . " Yeah , so anyway , " Jack said . " Where did you say you found that Advent Calendar that you gave me ? " A huge smile broke across Janet 's face . " Isn 't it fantastic ! I knew you would love it . " Jack nodded . " I do love it . I do . Where did you find it ? " Janet practically sprinted around the table to stand a foot from Jack . " I can show you . I 'd be happy to . " " Nah . Just wondering where . " Janet deflated slightly , her shoulders visibly slumping . " In the corner of the attic , under that mirror . " " Thanks . See ya , " Jack said , walking out of the kitchen . * * * * * Jack stood in the attic with his shirt pulled up over his mouth and nose . It was just rank up here . It was like a combination of dirty socks and rat droppings with a dash of moldy drywall . He couldn 't breathe . Plus , there was absolutely nothing in the corner , under the mirror , except some old Christmas lights and a recliner that was probably both the source of the stank and a cozy home for attic vermin . Jack left . * * * * * " Hey , Dad , " Jack said . " How 's it going ? " " Working . Leave me alone . " Jack nodded and sat down in an overstuffed chair across from his Father 's desk . " So did Janet tell you about that Advent Calendar she gave me ? " " Yes , she did , " his Father said , typing away on his laptop . " Go away . " " She said she got it out of the attic . Do you know where it came from ? " His Father sighed and looked at Jack for the first time . " The previous owner left a bunch of crap in the attic when he moved out . I meant to toss it all , but I haven 't had time . Because I work . From home . Like now . " " Do you know who the previous owner was ? " Jack asked . " Why do you care ? " " I don 't know , " Jack said . " You know , houses , the history of homes . Houses . I don 't know , it 's interesting . " " It 's not , " his Father said . " Besides , you don 't buy houses from the people that own them , you buy them from a realtor . I never even met the guy tPosted by " Comics ? " Jack asked . " Sometimes baseball cards , " Clarice said . " Sometimes coins or stamps . It 's always something that won 't draw too much attention for a couple of six year old girls to buy . And it has to be something that they can carry easily . They can 't go back and buy a grandfather clock or something . " Jack nodded . " That 's smart . " Clarice scowled at him . " Don 't act like Damien is some master criminal pulling off a genius plan . He 's a common thief , willing to hurt his children to make money ! " Jack decided to shut up . They were sitting in a park a few blocks away from Clarice 's apartment . Well , she had called it a park , but to Jack , it looked like a parking lot without cars . There were a few benches and a few tables - that 's it . No grass , no trees , no playground , no fun . Clarice leaned over and hugged Jack quickly , then pulled back . " I 'm sorry , " Clarice said . " I 'm just tense . I know none of this is your fault . " Jack shrugged . " I don 't know . I 'm the one that wrote the notes on how to use this thing . Maybe I should have just burned it instead . " " How could you know ? Some people would actually use it for good reasons . There 's so many ways it could help people , but my Father doesn 't think like that . " " My grandson , " Jack mumbled . Clarice smiled at him . " It must be hard to find out you 're a Father , Grandfather , and Great Grandfather all at once . . . when you 're 12 years old . " " At least I know there 's one girl out there somewhere that won 't tell me to get lost , " Jack said , laughing . " She must be a very smart girl , " Clarice said . " We can hope . " Jack stood up and stretched . " Candy 's almost gone . Let me ask you one more thing . " " Go ahead . " " Why don 't you go back instead of your sisters ? " " There 's something about age . Maybe puberty , or somewhere around there . It just doesn 't work for me anymore . " Jack 's cheeks reddened . " Anyway , it was in your - " " Yeah , my notes , " Jack said . " Why do we only get sick when we go back ? I always feel fine coming here . " " I don 't know . Something about going to the past affects your body . Going to the future doesn 't . Posted by The postcard read " New York City : 1938 - The City of Wonder . " You couldn 't prove it by Jack . The front of the postcard looked like any other old city . He couldn 't imagine why Clarice wanted him to use the Doorway to go back to New York City in 1938 , but that 's what she said . So that 's what he was going to do . Jack looked at his clothes one last time . Clarice had said to look " dull . " He didn 't own a lot of " dull , " but he wore as much brown as he could find and called it good enough . Jack checked his watch , took a deep breath , and tossed the candy into his mouth . * * * * * Even in 1938 , New York City was hopping . Jack moved to the edge of the sidewalk and tried to stay out of the way . He bent over slightly as a sharp pain hit the side of his gut . Jack was afraid he might throw up right there on the sidewalk of The City of Wonder . This time - travel stuff was hard on the stomach . Jack knelt down and took shallow breaths , hoping the sudden nausea would pass . He was so preoccupied with the pain in his stomach , he nearly missed Clarice 's twin sisters walk right by in front of him . Squinting through the pain from the cramps in his gut , Jack hobbled after them . They seemed a little wobbly on their feet as well , and if anything , looked even more pale than they had when Jack had seen them a few days before . The girls - Jack knew now they were Emma and Nat , although he didn 't know which was which - made a beeline for a small drug store at the end of the block . Jack followed them in and watched from a few aisles over as they each grabbed something from a squat wooden rack sitting on the floor . The two girls went up to the front counter and handed a few coins to an elderly man standing behind an equally elderly , but very shiny , cash register . The man put their purchases into a thin paper bag and gave them a slight wave as they turned and left the store . Glancing out the window at the twins , Jack hurried over to the rack and picked up the item that the girls had purchased . It was a comic book . No , Jack thought , it Posted by " No pressure though , right ? " Jack said . Clarice smiled . Then she took the smile away . " We 've got to be fast . When the candy is gone , you 'll go back . " Jack tried to see the joke , but she really didn 't seem like the joking type . " Back where ? " " To your own time . Come on , let 's walk . " Jack hurried to keep up with Clarice . She walked fast . " Oh my God , " Jack said , pulling at his shirt . " Why is it so hot here ? " " It 's pretty normal today , " Clarice said . " It can get much hotter . So do you know how the Doorway works ? " " The what ? " Jack said , not paying attention . He was wondering why the streets were so deserted . " Where is everyone ? " " Inside . Nobody comes out during the day anymore , " Clarice said . She stopped and faced him . " Do you know how the Doorway works ? " " I don 't even know what the Doorway is . What are we talking about ? " Clarice threw her hands up in frustration . " You 're the one that wrote all the notes ! You 're supposed to know everything about it ! That 's why I brought you here ! " Jack shifted the candy from one side of his mouth to the other . He moved one hand in front of her face , his thumb and index finger about a centimeter apart . " Listen , Clarice . I 'm about this close to totally freaking out on you . So can you just relax for a second and tell me what 's going on ? " * * * * * Jack and Clarice sat next to each other on the sidewalk , leaning against the wall of a derelict , abandoned school . Clarice was doing most of the talking . Jack was just sitting , sweating , and listening . The candy was just about gone . " Can 't I take the candy out and hold it or something , " Jack asked . Clarice shook her head . " Because my notes say it won 't work , right ? " She nodded . " So these many , many pages of detailed notes that I wrote about the Doorway - you can 't get them ? " " Damien hid them , " Clarice said . " He knew I was looking for them . I 've only skimmed through them once . " " Why do you call it the Doorway ? " Jack asked . " You 'll see . Tomorrow . " " Did you come up with that name ? The Doorway . . . sounds scary , " Jack said . " It was in your notes . " " Yeah , well , I always was pretty Posted by Bravery , as a concept , is a strange and confusing topic for a twelve year old boy . Every boy knows they 're expected to be brave , even at ten , even at eight , even younger . The movies demand bravery , and reward it handsomely . So do the TV shows , and the cartoons . Lord , even the commercials expect boys to be brave . But what twelve year old is truly brave ? No doubt , there are more than a few that don 't understand the consequences of their actions . Those boys look brave , but are actually more foolish than courageous . Jack knew all this , even though he probably couldn 't have put it into words . Jack also knew he wasn 't particularly brave , but he was definitely smart enough to figure out the consequences for cowards who just tried to act brave . That path led to failure and shame . Find a seventh grade boy who couldn 't tell you that . Which is all a drawn out way to say that Jack was still standing in front of the advent calendar the day after the twin girls had visited him . Jack had done a lot of thinking , but little else . The intellectual route seemed safer than taking the more simple and direct path toward being brave . He had thought about the calendar , about what the girls had said to him , about the candies . About the new photo . The photo the twin girls had given him yesterday was pretty simple . If it was a puzzle that he needed to figure out , Jack wasn 't getting it . It was a picture of the older sister . The girls had called her Clarice . In the photo , Clarice was standing outside a building . The building itself was sort of gray and dingy . It was hard to tell what it was meant to be ; maybe an apartment building . Clarice had on tan shorts and a thin , white cotton shirt . Her brown hair was cut short , her eyes dark and serious . But in this photo , there was one subtle difference in comparison to the first photo : Clarice was smiling . Well , a half - smile anyway . She wasn 't really looking happy , but at least hopeful . Jack thought she was quite pretty when she smiled . * * * * * Jack held the picture in one hand and two candies in the othePosted by Jack was dreaming again . Or he was going crazy again . Well , maybe that was the wrong way to think about it . Maybe he was going crazy still . Whatever . The point was Jack was in his bed and afraid to move . His clock on the bed stand read 4 : 02 AM , which was about right for dream - time , and probably ok for crazy - time as well . Jack assumed anytime was a good time for crazy - time . Jack was afraid to move because there were two girls standing about three feet from his bed , staring at him . They weren 't very scary in and of themselves . They were about six years old or so , definitely twins , and pale as ghosts . They were a bit skinny and unhealthy looking as well . In fact , they could have been ghosts - they were pale almost to the point of translucence . But what really scared Jack about these two girls was the fact that they seemed quite real . He could see their shadows , which the glow of his alarm clock cast out behind them . He could see dark circles under their eyes , like they hadn 't slept well in weeks . He could even sort of smell them . They smelled sweet and somehow sickly at the same time , like someone with the flu who had just taken a teaspoon of disgustingly sweet grape cough syrup . He was no expert , but Jack didn 't think dreams ever had quite this level of detail to them . Finally , he was afraid to move because he slept in his underwear , and six years old or not , Jack wasn 't running from his room , in his underwear , in front of two girls . Jack raised his hand to them : half wave , half don 't - move - any - closer . " Hi , Jack , " said the one on the left . The girl on the right just give a small , quick smile at Jack . Then she looked down like her feet were more interesting than Jack . Jack squeaked . He meant to say " hi " back to them , but it just didn 't come out . " We were supposed to come give you a message , " the girl on the left said . Then she looked at her twin . Her twin just kept staring at her shoes . " She needs you to hurry up . " " Who ? " Jack asked . " Who needs me to hurry up ? " " Clarice , " the girl on tPosted by Jack didn 't want to get out of bed . In fact , he wasn 't going to get out of bed . He was going to tell Janet he was sick and staying home from school and that was that . And to be honest , he didn 't feel that great . Ever since his episode the day before ( that 's what Jack called it , " the episode ; " what was he supposed to call it ? ) , he 'd had a headache , and his chest and back were sore , like he had the flu or something . That wasn 't the only problem of course . Jack couldn 't lie to himself - he was scared . He was scared of what happened the day before . He was scared that he had imagined the whole thing . He was scared he had gone a little crazy . He was scared of the advent calendar . There was absolutely no reason for Jack to believe that the advent calendar had caused the episode the day before . No reason whatsoever . But Jack did believe it . It was officially December 4th . According to Jack 's watch , it had been December 4th for about seven hours and 24 minutes now . It was indeed official . Jack could march over and open the fourth door in the calendar without a pang of guilt . People all over the world were opening all sorts of fourth doors on their very own advent calendars . It was the obvious and normal thing to do . But Jack wasn 't going to do it . His Mother had left him once . She had turned her back on him and deserted him . Why would he want to see her again ? Why would he want to go through that again ? Even if he was dreaming the whole thing , why would he possibly want to give her the chance to leave him again ? Jack was alone in his room , but he still moved his blanket up over his face to hide his tears . If he hid them , then she hadn 't hurt him . And he wasn 't going to let her hurt him again . Jack came home from school and walked directly to his room . Usually he would toss his backpack in front of the door and plop down on the couch - play some video games , maybe have some pretzels or something . Today , he wanted to check out the advent calendar a little more . His new mom , Janet , hated it when he went into his room and closed his door . So Jack made sure to close the door behind him . Jack wished he hadn 't ignored Janet so well the day before . What had she said - she found the calendar in the attic ? So where did the weird photo come from ? Jack couldn 't imagine Janet putting it in there as some kind of joke . She was too vanilla for that . So where did it come from ? Propping the advent calendar up against his wall , Jack studied it closely . He pulled open the door marked " 1 " and looked in . Nothing . It was completely empty . He opened the door marked " 2 " and checked inside . It was empty too . He tried the third door . There was a bright blue , almost phosphorescent , round candy hiding in the corner of the little compartment . Jack pulled it out and looked at it . A little dusty , but nothing he couldn 't handle . He wiped it off on his shirt while trying to open the fourth door . The door marked " 4 " would not budge . Neither would " 5 , " " 6 , " " 14 , " or " 18 . " Jack tried all of them . They were totally stuck . Which was pretty bizarre . Jack tried the first three doors again - opened and closed . They worked perfectly . The hinges were smooth and silent and the wood didn 't even rub when the doors were closed : the fit was as true as it could possibly be . Well , OK , it was December 3rd , so maybe the other doors weren 't supposed to open yet , but Jack didn 't see any kind of lock on any of the doors , including the first three that had opened . So it would be a pretty good trick to keep them closed until the day they were supposed to open . He figured he had to be missing something . Jack shook his head , wishing Janet wouldn 't sneak into his room , even if it was to give him candy . His real Mom wouPosted by Jack woke up , slid his feet onto the floor and rubbed his face . Two more weeks of school until Christmas break . That was a long , long time . He wasn 't sure he could take it . School had not been easy for him lately . Jack appreciated reading all of the bullying articles in the news lately . He wondered , why not me ? Where are my bullies ? At least bullies would mean someone was paying attention to him . Instead , Jack drifted through school from day to day without creating so much as a ripple among the ocean of students he came in contact with . It didn 't help that Jack was sort of small and sort of scrawny . That was Janet 's fault . Jack had not grown since his parents had divorced 19 months earlier . Literally , he had not grown a centimeter . It was like the bad feelings and the rejection he felt from his Mother leaving and Janet moving in had settled right in his spine and weighed him down . Standing up like he was 80 instead of 12 , Jack creaked over to his door to head to the bathroom . And tripped over the advent calendar and fell , face first , onto the shag carpet . Jack rolled over , rubbing the pain out of his toes . How , HOW , could a stubbed toe hurt like that ? Janet must have left the stupid thing leaning against his door . He walked back into his room and carefully put on one sock and one shoe , on his good foot . Then he limped back out , circled the advent calendar , and kicked it as hard as he could . The wood box flew across his bedroom and crashed into the far wall . Then Jack hobbled , lopsided on one shoe , to the bathroom . After showering , then slouching through yet another bowl of cereal for breakfast , Jack was headed out the door to run to school - he was late - when he stepped on the photo from the advent calendar . It must have fallen out of the calendar when he kicked it . He picked it up and stuffed it into the pocket of his hoodie as he ran out the door . * * * * * If there was something more boring than seventh grade math , Jack hadn 't found it . He sat in the back row of the class and looked over the photo from the aPosted by The thing had to be 100 years old . At least . It was a box . Sort of . Maybe a cabinet . Kind of . It was about two feet wide and about two feet tall , but it wasn 't quite square . Maybe just a touch taller than wide . It was a few inches deep . The box was made out of dark , smooth wood , not varnished at all , but still polished and clean , like it had been rubbed over by scores of hands through the years . And it had 25 little doors with 25 little metal hinges . There were magnificently ornate numbers carved into each door , from one to twenty - five . It had dust caked in the corners . There were spider webs across the back of the cabinet . The whole thing looked like it had been buried in an attic for generations . " Isn 't it gorgeous ? " Jack 's Mom said . Well , Jack 's " new " Mom anyway . Janet . " I found it in the attic , " she said . Jack looked at her like she was an alien . " What is it ? " " An advent calendar . It 's for you , " she said . " All right , " Jack said . And it can go right back into the attic for all I care , Jack thought . " Only the first door will open , " Janet said . " I can 't seem to get the rest open . " " Great . Could it be more useless ? I mean that 's the whole point of the thing , right ? " Jack said . " You 've got to open it up to put stuff in there for me to find . Like money , I hope . " Janet 's smile faltered only slightly . " Well , there was an old photo in the first door , " she said . " Maybe there will be more treasures if you can get the other doors open . " Jack nodded then walked into his room , closing his door behind him and leaving the advent calendar at his new mother 's feet . Scott and Jennifer have teamed up many times over the last several years to create a seasonal holiday story to share with friends and family . This will be their first year publishing their story on - line for a daily chapter leading up to Christmas Day . Please sit back with a cup of cocoa by a warm fire and enjoy their latest story : 25 DOORS

Shane stared at the door . He wasn 't sure how long he 'd been staring at it , but he thought it was a long time . Days , maybe . Years . He had no idea . Nothing changed in this place except the place itself . He 'd walk through a door , and almost immediately something would try to kill him . Sometimes he would evade it through sheer luck or skill . Sometimes he would get past the murderous devices by just … knowing they were there . But how did he know ? He glanced back at the corpses of the three cyborg wolves that he had killed after he came in the room . The moment he came through the door , he had started shooting , and every shot hit . When the lead wolf changed direction and charged at him , it was like he knew where the wolf was going . Within ten seconds , the wolves were dead , blood oozing out and electronics sparking , and he 'd cleared another room . Like he 'd done it all before , and this was just rote for him by now . The wolves were giant things , horrible hybrids of flesh and metal , but he had dispatched them with the ease of hundreds of hours of practice . This whole base seemed designed to kill him , yet he had so far been unkillable . He had evaded every death trap , known every doorcode by heart , been perfectly aware of where he should step and where he shouldn 't . He thought for a little while that he 'd been knocked out when he applied for the job , maybe had some kind of microchip put into his brain . But that seemed a little too far - fetched . He stared at the door . It was old and decrepit . The varnish had started peeling away ages ago , leaving large swaths of bare , stained wood to be eaten away or turn to dust , but every door he had encountered so far had been more solid than he 'd expected . Every one looked exactly like this , too . Down to the pattern of wear on the brass doorknob . Dozens of identical doors . What 's more , those were the only doors he could go through . Some rooms had windows that faced out into soil and rock , others had doors that might have led into other rooms . He couldn 't go through them , though . For all that he pushed and pulled and beat at them , the other doors may as well have been painted onto the walls . Only the doors with the brass knobs would open , and each time he got a tingling sensation and the absolute certain awareness that he was about to die . This door looked like all the others . He 'd been a Marine for six years , a soldier for hire for ten . He 'd seen things that would make those action heroes from Hollywood soil their hundred dollar boxer - briefs and done things that would make those cheap novelists hang up their pens . Shane Grodski was not a stranger to death or pain or horror . Shane 's hand shook as he reached for the doorknob . He started to turn it to the left , then stopped himself . His hand wouldn 't move , but trembled as it held the knob and started to turn it right as if the hand knew what it was doing better than he did . " For the love of God WHY ? ! ? " he shouted as he pulled open the door . On the other side was a lush garden . High , glass ceilings were nearly covered with thick vines . but the sun came through where it could . Its light was watery and weak , but it was sunlight indeed . The first Shane had seen in what felt like a lifetime , and he nearly didn 't feel that familiar door - shiver over the way his chest tried to squeeze out a sob . He took a deep breath , letting the rich scent of earth and plant life get deep into his lungs . It was a welcome change from the musty , ancient rooms he had been walking through , and if he could find a way out , he would take it . He started climbing up one of the great vine plants that had rooted itself by the windows . The stalk was woody and strong , thick enough to support his weight at least high enough that he could get to some of the windows . Once there , he would probably be able to break one or two of them , shimmy out and leave this place far behind . He had never given up on a mission before , but none of the missions he 'd been on before had ever been like this . About ten feet off the ground , Shane decided to give a window a good hit with the butt of his gun . The glass looked old and filthy , fragile from years of being hit by sun and rain . There was already a thin crack rising up from one of the corners , so he thought it would probably be the best place to start . He hit it , then hit it again . And again . And one more time . Like the doors throughout the base , this glass may as well have been stone . He could see the light coming through it , the shadows of clouds drifting across a far away sky , trees waving in a wind he would never feel again . But as much as he pounded , the glass didn 't give . Didn 't crack or spider or splinter . He didn 't notice he was weeping until long after he started , and only a sharp pinprick on his inner thigh brought his attention away from the window . The stalk had sprouted a thorn , and it had given him a good jab . He looked back along the way he came , and more of these thin , needle - like spines were emerging from the plant . Another one stuck into his hands , his other leg , his chest . He would have been bothered by them , but he could already feel his temperature rising . By the time he realized what was happening , his throat had swollen shut and he could taste blood in his mouth . As he fell , he felt the seams on his clothes burst and watched as his hands boiled and sprouted billions of tiny tendrils and vines . Shane looked up at the high glass ceiling and thought for a moment that it would be a good way out . Then he remembered the doors all throughout the building . Any door but the brass - handled ones had been a dummy , and he was willing to bet that the windows were as well . He knew this , but he didn 't know how he knew it . He stood in front of the door and flinched when it clicked shut behind him . The garden was gorgeous , and unlike any other area of the base he 'd been in so far . He took a deep breath of the rich , earthy scent and began to follow the subtle yet unmistakable path that wound its way through the vegetation . There were trees that brushed the high glass ceiling , plants that ran along the ground sprouting tiny blue flowers that seemed to shimmer in the dimness . The garden was warm and comfortable and utterly silent . He felt his chest unknot a little , the tension start to leave his shoulders and his back . Through the green light and shadow , he could see a familiar door some ways off , but he saw no reason to hurry . The garden was there , the flowers were in bloom , and nothing was trying to kill him . After a few steps , he just … stopped . A pale mist was rising from the grass at his feet . The tiny blue flowers seemed to be waving in a thin haze , and Shane thought they might be waving at him . He laughed and waved back at them . Cute little flowers . He crouched down and felt a wave run through his body , like all of the stress he 'd been carrying was flowing out through his boots . Shane looked out at the garden as the door clicked shut behind him . Thin sunlight was streaming through the windows , barely illuminating the shadows cast by reaching vines , tall trees , and countless plants that he could not name . There was a path through the garden . It was subtle , but he could make it out , and he was willing to bet that there was a door at the other end of it . The shadows between the trees looked nearly as menacing as any of the rooms he 'd been through already . He didn 't know what was in there , but he could guess . Danger . Torment . Another door . The door clicked shut , and Shane spun around , trying to open it again . The door wouldn 't budge , though . None of them ever had , and he wasn 't sure why he thought this one would . He yelled and screamed and pounded , and he could feel the garden behind him . It was the only way out , he knew that . But he would rather die than go through it . Shane didn 't know how long he 'd been sitting there , his back against the door . He thought something should have happened by now , though . Maybe the grass would reach up and suck him into the ground , or great ravenous birds would swoop out of the trees . Whatever was going to happen should have happened . He found himself humming a song , but wasn 't sure what it was . Something he 'd heard a long while ago . " Is it that time again ? " he sang quietly . " Wasn 't it already then ? So does it have to be - The time it was again ? " Shane 's head whipped up and he scrambled to his feet before he knew what he was doing . His gun was in his hand . He didn 't remember drawing it . The voice had come from everywhere , rattling the leaves on the trees . There was nothing to point his gun at , but Shane couldn 't put it away . " Worry about what ? " he asked . " Who are you ? " The voice chuckled , and it was a deep electronic baritone . I THINK YOU SHOULD KNOW WHO I AM , SHANE , it said . AFTER ALL , WHO ELSE IS IN HERE WITH YOU ? It took Shane a minute , but he eventually lowered the gun . It wouldn 't have done him any good . " You 're the AI , " he said . The AI was silent for a moment before answering . I WANT TO KNOW , it said , WHY YOU ' RE NOT MOVING . YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN INTO THE NEXT ROOM A LONG TIME AGO . It was all Shane could do not to break out into hysterical laughter . The question was so nonsensical , so ridiculous , that he wanted to just scream at the AI . " What , so you can kill me again ? " It wasn 't on any maps . It didn 't , officially speaking , exist - and if it did exist , well , he sure as hell hadn 't been there . That was in the briefing , a short speech overseen by a man who said nothing , but who stared at Shane the whole time , with ice - blue eyes and contempt practically painted onto his face . His mission was straightforward and uncomplicated . He was to penetrate to the inner labs and retrieve the central AI core if possible , destroy it if necessary . The whys and wherefores were for the bureaucrats and the politicians as far as he was concerned . This was a hefty payout . If he survived . " There may be … resistance , " the man who 'd hired him said . The blue - eyed man just smirked . " We have reason to believe the AI is expecting you . " He pulled open the door in front of him and looked out into the hallway beyond . It was dim , lit only by fluorescent bulbs in the ceiling . He took a step forward and felt a tugging at his foot . He had just enough time to look down and see the thin tripwire before the explosives on either side of him went off , killing him instantly . Shane opened his eyes and tightened his grip on the gun . He was standing in the front entryway of an old , disused weapons lab . There were old metal lockers that had fallen to the floor and torn posters on the wall , bearing information and announcements that no one would ever need again . He reached out for the door in front of him … He pulled open the door and looked down the hall . It was dim , lit only by fluorescent bulbs in the ceiling that flickered and trembled . In the low light , he took out his sidearm and turned on the laser sight . A red dot flicked into existence on the floor . He swept it up and down just in front of him , watching the dot until … There was a tripwire stretched about six inches above the floor . It was hair - thin , and he probably would have missed it if he hadn 't known what to look for . He leaned out through the doorway and looked at the walls . " Very nice , " he muttered . There were patches of plaster about head - height that looked newer and cleaner than the rest of the wall . That was probably where the explosives were . Shane opened his eyes and tightened his grip on the gun . He was standing in the front entryway of an old , disused weapons lab . He hadn 't been there more than a moment and already he was starting to feel tense and frustrated , but he couldn 't say why . He checked his handgun - it was ready to go , as it always was . The rifle he 'd slung across his back was loaded and ready when he needed it . He had his flashlight , some water , first aid kit . Everything he should have had was right there . But he still felt … uneasy . He pulled open the door , very slowly . Nothing happened . He turned on his laser sight and ran the beam along the floor through the doorway . Almost immediately , there was a tiny flash of light . A tripwire . Shane 's mouth twisted in a grin . He kept the laser moving forward , towards the end of the hall . There were glimmers of light everywhere , all along the floor , crossing at chest height , head height , and they were all damn near invisible . Any one of them would be his death , of that he had no doubt . He directed his flashlight to the walls . Shane looked around the room . There were no other weapons that he could use , and getting close to the door would be a death sentence . He could try to shoot out one of the tripwires , in the hopes that one explosion would set the others off , but shooting something that thin , that invisible , would be a huge waste of ammo . His gaze fell on the old lockers that were strewn across the floor . " Gotcha , " he said . He opened the door as wide as it would go and laid one of the lockers down , pointing down the corridor . Then another behind it , and then one more . The three lockers , end - to - end , were maybe eighteen feet , and he had to hope that was far enough away . He took the remaining two and set them between himself and the doorway , in the hopes that they would absorb some of the blast . The explosion was deafening . Each charge by itself was small , but there were so many of them planted in that hallway that they just kept going off for what seemed like forever . It was a thunderous cacophony of noise and smoke , and when it cleared , it took him a few moments to come out from his makeshift bunker . The corridor was a wreck . Great divots had been torn out of the walls where the explosives had been . He flicked on his laser sight , the beam now perfectly visible in the smoke and the dust , and he ran it along the length of the corridor , floor to ceiling . There were no more wires . It went on a lot longer than he thought it would , turning a few times as he went . At every corner , he would run the laser up and down again , but the debris and the dust told the tale . He started to hear things , though , and he wasn 't sure if it was his imagination , or if it was hearing damage . Or something else , of course . It sounded like metal groaning . Like the hum of a speaker that 's ready to start playing really loud music . Like an idling engine . There was another door at the end of the corridor , and it looked exactly like the first . He pulled it open , checked for wires . There were none . When he clicked on his flashlight , he was stunned to see the breadth and vastness of the room beyond . The floor was white marble that seemed to glow where the light hit it . Great pillars reached up to a ceiling that was hidden in the darkness . There were windows , tall and ornate , but they were blocked by stone and soil . When had he gone underground ? As he stepped through the door , he felt a shiver . The door slammed shut behind him , and he had his pistol at the ready before he knew it . There was a noise from some ways off , like a quick metallic breath . He turned with his flashlight , just in time to see the gleam of the great metal blades before they sheared off the top of his skull . " What the hell ? ! " he shouted . He had been told to expect resistance , but this seemed less like an AI protecting itself and more like some malevolent bastard that enjoyed killing people . Did AIs enjoy murder ? The briefing hadn 't really covered that . He crawled along for a few yards until he reached a pillar . He used it to stand up , straining his ears for that metallic breath again . Which was why he probably didn 't notice the twisted wire noose until it dropped down , coiled itself around his neck , and pulled up , hard and fast . A moment later , there were twin THUDS in the door behind him , but he didn 't pay them any notice . He was cursing under his breath as he stood up and started walking through the pillars , making sure to stay as far away from them as he could . There was a … wrongness that he felt from them . He cocked his ears left and right , hoping he could hear the sound of those flying blades when they were launched . The laser on his sight didn 't show any more wires , but still , he walked with tiny , careful steps . Somehow , without even thinking about it , he jumped . The roller went right under him and kept going , its rumble fading in the distance . He continued forward , along the paths marked out by pillars he dared not go near . There was another roller that came out of the shadows to his right , and one that was directly in his path . He jumped each of them and moved on , his confidence growing as he did so . Shane was on the floor before the door was shut , and was crawling forward before the two blades hit the door . He walked confidently between the pillars , keeping his ears out for noises from the shadows . When a roller came , he stopped , jumped , and moved on . There was an arrow and a dot that said , " You Are Here . " Beneath that was a double row of circles - ten in each row - that stretched towards the bottom . Five of the circles were numbered with 1 , 2 , 3 , 4 , or 5 . Shane looked at the keypad . The display was big enough for five digits . He turned around and trained his light on the columns and counted under his breath . The first column would have sprouted spikes if Shane came close . He wasn 't sure how he knew that , but the best way to avoid them was to set them off from far away . A single gunshot seemed to work , though he was loathe to waste the ammunition . The number carved into it was 7 . The second column spun in the opposite direction that he walked around it , keeping the number out of his sight . It didn 't have quite the reaction time that he did , though - if he got it spinning and then changed direction really fast , he 'd be able to get in front of the number . It was good he had the foresight to stay low , however , because the laser that was embedded in the circular part of the 9 came pretty close to putting a hole in his head . The third column had a drop - away floor around it . The marble around the base just looked strange to him , and as long as he didn 't get within three paces , he was fine . Its number was 1 . Finally , the last one . He was lucky that he 'd been holding his breath out of sheer anxiety , because he was pretty sure that the gas that jetted out from it was poisonous . It made his skin itch in any event , and he had to grab a salve from his first aid kit . The number on this column was 2 . Carefully , gingerly , he took the doorknob , waiting for something horrible to happen . It didn 't . He opened the door and felt that shiver pass through him . His last breath was a foul and extended one , a long , rattling sigh that stank of the cancer that had devoured him from the inside . He lay still under the thin blanket that had been all he would keep on , his bed surrounded by flickering candles and the remnants of the Royal Physician 's tools . Ceramic bowls filled with grey and cloudy water ; wet cloths in a pile by the bed ; small pots with creams and powders , tinctures and salves and pastes and oils ; a thin - bladed knife and a covered bowl containing sated leeches . The doctor himself , an old and exhausted man , let out a breath of his own . Carefully , gingerly , he reached under the blanket and took the king 's thin and frail arm . He put his fingers to the bony wrist and waited . Then he pressed his fingers under the sharp line of the king 's jaw and waited . He pulled up the eyelids and blew a gentle puff of air into each eye . Finally , he took a small mirror from the ice on which it had been sitting and held it under the king 's nostrils , resting gently on his thin , reddish - grey mustache . A moment passed . Then another . The doctor looked up at the two Royal Clerks who stood on the other side of the bed and he shook his head . Gently , carefully , he pulled the thin blanket over the king 's face and began to pack up his equipment . The clerks watched him as he worked . The doctor had brought a special case that had compartments for everything , and he put them away with the ease of a lifetime 's work . He snapped the latches shut and lifted it with a little effort - many long nights of work had taken their toll - and then nodded to the clerks . They nodded back . The doctor left the king 's chambers , and a moment later a wailing could be heard from the sitting rooms beyond . The ladies of the court had gathered there to pray for the king 's well - being , and they were distraught to learn that their prayers had not been enough . The clerks remained in the royal bedroom . The elder clerk pressed her lips together and took deep , deliberate breaths . She had worked for this king since she was a girl , and had learned everything about how to run a kingdom . Over the years , the king had shown her nothing but kindness and patience and respect , and even though his death had come as no surprise , it still cut her to the bone . The shape under the blanket did not look like it could have been the king . It was too still for a man of such energy . Too small for a man of such greatness . The younger clerk held himself still and quiet , with words building within him to get out . He had been sent to the castle by his father , who hoped that his son would learn to read and write and better himself . And he did , earning a place among the vast army of palace clerks . He had only made it to the level of Royal Clerk a few years ago , and had not spent enough time alone with the king to feel that he knew the man . But he did know that while the death of a king was a tragedy , there was the succession to be considered . And that was a once - in - a - lifetime event , if you - and the king - were lucky . As much as the younger clerk regretted the death of his king , he was looking forward to watching the internal workings of the kingdom as it prepared for his replacement . The elder clerk touched the younger 's arm , causing him to jump a little . The elder nodded to him , and he nodded back . They straightened the sashes that crossed their chests , shook out their voluminous sleeves , and lifted their heads high . They had a duty to perform , and it was important that they be seen to do it . Let the ladies of the court weep and wail and lament . The king may have been dead , but it would be the clerks who saw to it that the kingdom continued to function . The younger clerk opened the door and then stepped to the side . The women in the other room fell silent as the two walked out of the king 's chambers and , without a word to anyone , continued through the waiting - room and out into the hallway . None of the ladies called out for news . They already knew , and the face of the elder clerk was enough to tell them that they were right . They knew , just as everyone else knew , what was to come next , and that this was no time to be wasting breath on questions that everyone knew the answers to . Someone would be along to prepare the king 's body for burial soon enough . The clerks swept through the warm and bright corridors of the Royal Apartments , their feet silent on deep - pile carpet that seemed too bright for the occasion . A pair of guards stood by the doors that led out to the common section of the keep . Tomorrow they would be dressed in black , but for now they both stood in their blue - and - silver uniforms , swords by their sides . The guards were supposed to be impassive and utterly unshakable . but there were tears running down their otherwise blank faces . The clerks continued through the keep , going from staircase to hallway to staircase , always going down . Through the family quarters to those of the high staff and then to the lower . Past the kitchens and the storehouses and the vast rooms where the quartermasters stored everything that a castle needed in order to function . Down past the laundry rooms and the ever - burning boilers that kept hot water running through the castle , an advancement that made them the envy of every other kingdom . They stopped by a heavy door that was guarded by a heavy man . His uniform was dark leather and wool , to keep out the chill of the stones now that they were underground . He nodded at the clerks and removed a key from his belt . The key , made of black iron , unlocked the three locks with a dull thud , and then he was able to swing open the thick oaken door on well - oiled hinges . The clerks continued down , each one holding a brightly burning torch . At the bottom of the stairs was another guard , in the same black - and - grey as the man at the top . This one stood up when they entered , a long corridor of blackened and barred doors stretching into the darkness behind him . The guard presented them with a paper to sign , a system of the elder clerk 's own devising . The form asked for their names , and the name of the person they needed to talk to . When they left , they would sign again , and the guard would affix his stamp to the whole affair . There would be no interfering with the prisoners , no secret visits and murders under cover of darkness . The elder clerk handed back the form . The guard looked at the name she had written there and then back to her , his eyes welling up as he did so . His mouth moved with the words he couldn 't bring himself to say , and he turned into a quietly blubbering mess when she nodded . The guard tried to breathe , but tears overcame him each time , and the younger clerk had to bring his chair around for him to sit on . They waited there for a few moments until the guard could get himself under control . He finally took those deep breaths , cleared his throat a few times and wiped his eyes and his nose . His face was red with the emotion and embarrassment , and he tried to look as official as he could . He stood straight , his feet planted and his arms behind his back , staring at the foot of the staircase they had come from . Except for the gently trembling lip , he looked like a wall that would keep out the world . The younger clerk gently tapped him on the shoulder , and the guard started . His face flushed again as he opened the cabinet by the door and took out a brass key . The key had a leather tag attached with the number five burned into it . The clerk took it with a smile , and nodded to the guard , who resumed his impassivity . They walked as quietly as they could on clean , cold stone . They stopped at door number five . The younger clerk handed the key to the elder , and she paused a moment before unlocking the door . They held their breath . Then they opened it . All of the cells were swept out once a week , and the waste buckets were taken every day . There was still a wooden plate on the small table that was bolted into the wall next to the door . The bed was a mattress in the corner . It , too , was clean - or at least clean enough . They were taken out once a month and replaced . The king had made himself very clear many years ago - it may be a dungeon , but the prisoners were still human beings and would be treated as such . There had been murmurs of disagreement from his court , but there were few times when his determination to do the right thing could be swayed by mere murmurs . He looked up when the elder clerk cleared her throat . He had a red beard and his eyes glinted blue through the squint . Red hair poked out of the hood , falling on his forehead and curling out past his neck . He was pale and tired , but healthy . He sat up and rubbed his eyes again , resting his elbows on his knees . The elder clerk opened her mouth to speak , but closed it when she realized that the prisoner was laughing . Quietly , yes , but the noises he was making - the way his back shook - they were laughter . And when he looked up at them , the dark humor in his eyes was enough to confirm it . She shut her mouth , and her lips twisted as though she had tasted something foul . When he spoke , the prisoner 's voice was raspy and dark . " So , " he said . He looked from one clerk to the other . The younger one actually stepped back . The elder didn 't move . This summer , a mountain lion was hit by a car in Milford , CT , and killed . Later investigation revealed that it had walked thousands of miles from South ( I think ) Dakota , much farther than mountain lions usually go . My sister , who works at WNPR in Hartford , where the story got a lot of coverage , wanted to find a way for the story to have a happy ending . This is my stab at it . The great cat trudged through the undergrowth . His feet hurt . His legs hurt . Everything hurt . Every step was painful , but so very necessary . He didn 't know where he was going , he didn 't know where he had been . All he knew was that he had to go far , far from his home , towards the sunrise . Always towards the sunrise . That 's what the Eldest had told him : Walk . Walk to the sunrise as far as you can , to the great waters at the edge of the world . The farther you go , the better your sin will be expiated . The farther you go , the more powerful the cure will be . The farther you go , the greater the curse will spread and the freer our people will be when you die . And so he walked . Farther than any of his people had walked before , through the lands of the invaders , the people of stone and metal and death . To walk in their lands was to risk oblivion - even the smallest cub knew that . Those who came back - and there were precious few - came back wounded in body and spirit , telling tales that none would believe if they hadn 't been told over and over again . Places where there was no green , or so little that it made no difference . Places of great openness that smelled harsh and bitter and made you sick to your stomach . Great beasts that moved at impossible speeds over endless black rivers of stone that covered all . And they spread , these people . Every generation there were more of them , covering the land with their stone and tearing out the trees and emptying the lakes , moving the rivers and carving great wounds in the hills . Places where their fathers and grandfathers had hunted were now forbidden lands , devoid of prey and cover . To enter their lands meant death , and not just for the ones who trespassed . This cat , the long - walker , had gone out into their world , knowing the danger to himself . He had explored and eaten what could be eaten , and he was seen . The people of stone and death must have seen him , and chased him in droves , using the terrible powers at their command . They did not catch him , but they did not stop , either . They came into his woods , hunting the hunters with their sticks that threw stones that killed . His brothers died . His sister died . He and an elder escaped alone of all his people , finding a hole in the earth where they could wait until the people of stone and death passed them by . The rain followed their disappearance , and it was cold and relentless . The hole flooded quickly , and they scratched their way out , just the long - walker ( who had not yet started his walk ) and the elder of his people . They waited out the rain , silently . When it stopped , they found their way home , which was not their home any longer . Their dead had been taken away , and there was nothing of their home left . They sat for a long while . The long - walker spotted a rabbit and gave it chase . The rabbit was easy prey . He brought it back , gave it to the elder , who left him some bones and a little meat . The elder lay down under a tree and thought for a long while . The night came , and tiny lights flitted through the trees . The long walker watched them for a little while and remembered how he used to chase them along the edge of the river . With his brothers , his sister . " You are cursed , " the elder said . " Others have gone out and died . Others have gone out and come back , without bringing death . You are cursed . " He was quiet , without malice . " Take your curse and go . " He stood up and stretched . " Bring your curse back to the people of stone and death . Walk to the morning . Walk among their dens and their rivers of stone . Leave your curse with them as you go . In your blood . In your piss . In your scat . With every step , bring to them the death they brought to us . " The elder lay down again . " But do not come here again . " The long walker had never heard his elder speak so much . Not at once . He lay down beside him and licked his paw . " When will I be free ? " he asked quietly . " No , " the elder said . He put his head down and seemed to think for a while . The younger cat continued to groom him in the darkness . " There are waters , " the elder began . " I have heard it said that there are waters where the sun rises . It is water that you cannot drink . Water that surrounds the world , that births the sun anew each day and drowns it at night . Go to the birth - waters . Bathe in them , and you will live free . " They sat in silence all night , sleeping and waking and sleeping again . When the sun rose , the long walker stood to greet it . He turned to the elder , who lay sleeping in the undergrowth , and started walking . He walked for many nights , and spread his curse as he could . He learned to stay on the outskirts of the places where the people of stone and death lived and traveled . He found that night was the best time to avoid them . Stay away from the light , and you will find safety , for these people carried light everywhere with them . He met others on his travel , his kind and not his kind . He didn 't keep to them or offer to bring them with him . " I am cursed , " was all he would say , and that would be enough . No one needed his story . The world got cold and hot and cold again , and he kept walking . Now , so many nights later , he still walked . He could smell something on the air , something that smelled like the great waters he had encountered long before , but different . It smelled like blood . Perhaps , he thought , this is it . Perhaps these are the waters that birth the sun . The other waters had been vast , but drinkable . Perhaps these would not be . He sniffed the wind . The waters would not be far away . He turned , and stepped onto one of the small rivers of black stone , one of countless that he had stepped on before . He sniffed the air again and sneezed . The bloodwater smell was still there , under the horrible smell of the stone river . He sneezed again but knew he was on the right path . The curse he was under would be erased . The one he had set would begin . The people of stone and death would find themselves hunted as he was hunted . Murdered as his people had been murdered . Hounded out of their homes as - One of the great beasts of the river slammed into him , and the long walker cried out in pain . He flew through the air and felt bones break as he hit . His breath felt slow and painful and wet . The great beast stopped with a terrible screeching sound and the smell of the river . Its burning eyes were trained on the long walker , and he wanted to run . But his legs wouldn 't move . One of the people of stone and death was there , coming off of ( out of ? ) the great beast of the river . It was yelling and chattering and moving about . Celebrating , no doubt . Celebrating one more murder at its hands . The person - the soft , murderous person - leaned down over the long walker , chattering away . The long walker felt every break , pain that stabbed in every part . Blood filled his mouth , his nose , his eyes . He would not reach the waters of the sun . He would not bathe and be free . But that did not mean he would fail . " My curse , " he said to the person , who did not hear him . " My curse is your curse now . " He breathed as deeply as he could , until the pain was too much to bear . And then , in one long sigh , he let it out . His own curse would take hold , flying back to his homeland on his last breath , and taking root in every place he had touched and marked . The people of stone and death would know his fear and his pain and his solitude . His vision dimmed , and his hearing faded . The smell of the bloodwater , the waters of the birth of the sun , lingered long in his nose until he was gone . I jerked awake when the plane hit turbulence . It was right in the middle of a weird dream , one that I couldn 't remember very clearly , and there was that moment of disorientation where I didn 't know where I was or why I was there . For all I knew , it was still the dream , and I had dreamed that I woke up . The droning sound of the engines filled the darkened cabin and I tried to stretch my legs - not easy for a six - foot guy in economy class . The only bright side was that the guy in front of me hadn 't put his seat back , so I had some room , but not a lot . I unbuckled my seatbelt , stood up , and stretched the kinks out of tight muscles . The cabin was quiet , except for the engines , and it looked like the movie was over and everyone was getting some sleep . I wanted to check my watch , but then remembered that I 'd put it in my bag . It seemed like a bright idea at the time , but now I wasn 't so sure . At least with everyone sleeping , I was free to walk around . I strolled up the aisle , stopping at every exit row to stretch a bit and try to look out the window . Nothing but my dim reflection out there , and even if that wasn 't there , the window was still way too small to see anything . The toilet was unoccupied , which felt like a minor victory , and I took my time in there . When I got out , I walked right up to the business class curtain and imagined , for a brief moment , what it would be like to travel that way . I 'd gotten lucky once , and was bumped up . I remember it as a paradise in the sky , an Eden of air transportation , and that knowledge makes every coach class adventure seem that much worse . My legs felt a little bit better , and my head didn 't feel so stuffy . I bent down to touch my toes a couple of times and peered into the cabin attendants ' kitchenette . They had left some drinks and cups out for self - service . Smart move , I thought , as I helped myself to some orange juice . On a little screen in there , I saw that we still had at least six hours to go and I sighed . These international flights were long and tedious and horrible , but they were worth it . When I saw my little girl - though she was growing bigger all the time - it made all that time wash away like it had never been . This time I remembered the dream a little better . It was a violent one , the kind you 'd rather not have on an airplane . There was lightning all around me and people pressing in from all sides . Then a guy who looked kind of like my old boss and a little like my grandfather walked up to me with a gun in his hand . He pointed it at my heart , said , " Are we clear ? " and then pulled the trigger . I got up and stretched my legs . In that dark , humming cabin , I had no idea how long I had been asleep . Maybe an hour ? Thirty minutes ? Time runs differently on airplanes , especially when you 're flying to the other side of the world . It backs up on you and then pounces forward . It walks away a bit and waits for you , and then walks away again . It 's not the same orderly procession of seconds , minutes and hours that we 're used to at ground level . I got to the kitchenette and poured myself an orange juice . While I gulped it down , I looked at the display . Six hours left . I sighed and dropped the cup in the garbage . It looked like I had barely slept at all . This time the dream wasn 't violent , jut weird . I was in high school again , standing in the gym . A kid , one of the freshmen maybe , kept hitting me with a basketball . Not angrily , not like he was trying to hurt me , just a steady rhythm : he 'd bounce the ball against my chest , it would hit the floor , and then he 'd catch it and do it again . After a few times , he looked at me and said , " You queer ? " Then it all started again . I walked down the aisle again , shaking out my legs . I made another trip to the bathroom and washed my face . No one looks good in an airplane bathroom , no matter how good - looking they might be otherwise . There were circles under my eyes , which were getting kind of bloodshot . I splashed some water on my face and peered into the mirror . No , I would never be mistaken for a good - looking man , but even so , that mirror made me look positively grim . This routine of sleeping , dreaming and waking was starting to take its toll . I wanted to sleep , but if this was how it was going to go , then I figured I could just stay awake until we landed . It would be hard , especially with everyone else just snoozing away like - Every person , in every row , was awake and staring straight ahead . There was no movie , nothing for them to watch , but they were all facing forward , heads up and eyes open . Nobody was reading or listening to music or trying to fall asleep . No one was dozing off or playing a game . Everyone was just staring . I backed up and got a good look at the rest of coach class , and it was the same in every row and in every seat . All the passengers were up , but no one was doing anything . I looked around for a flight attendant , and couldn 't find anyone . My chest clenched in panic . I saw the curtain separating us from business class . It was normally an unstormable barrier , but I figured these were special circumstances . All the other passengers on my flight looked like they were moments away from starting a full - blown zombie movie , and I really didn 't want to be caught up in the middle of that . I grabbed the curtain and yanked it aside . Standing there was one of the missing flight attendants - tall , dark , dressed immaculately . She looked me up and down and said , " You do not belong here . " She put a hand on my shoulder and bent down a little to look me in the eye . " No , " she said . " You do not belong . Here . " She put her other hand on my chest and pushed , and that push was like a kick from a mule . When I hit the floor , all the breath got knocked out of me . She walked over to stand over me , and she looked a thousand feet tall . A few other flight attendants gathered as well , each one of them fierce and beautiful . " You do not belong here , " the first one said again . " Go back . " " I can 't go back ! " I tried to scream . " Not if you keep hitting me ! " I tried to stand up again , and one more time , her hand moved out - gently , slowly , and yet unstoppably , and pushed me in the chest . And this time , I nearly blacked out when I hit the floor . My vision swam and my ears rang and it was hard to breathe . I couldn 't tell where up and down were , and I felt like throwing up . No . Not them . This time there was laughter and cheers as I took a breath . I blinked my eyes open and there was a crowd around me still , but different . Their faces were expressive , human , and - if I had to guess - very relieved . I tried to sit up , and one man , an older - looking gentlemen , touched my shoulder gently . " You lay back , son , " he said . He was hard to understand over the humming of the engines , and a little hard to see in the cabin darkness , but he held a flashlight and I could see well enough by that . " You gave us quite the scare . " He turned and said something to a flight attendant , who dashed off . I looked around at the people staring at me , leaning out of their seats and looking my way . There were two patches with wires stuck to my chest , leading to a plastic case that lay in one of the seats . " What happened ? " I asked , though it mostly came out as " Wuhhuppn ? " The older man smiled . " You went and had yourself a heart attack , " he said . " Pretty bad one , too . Thought we lost you for a moment there . " He looked up at a young man , a teenager really , who was kneeling behind me and grinning stupidly . " You 're lucky this young man knew CPR , " he said . " Also lucky that the plane had one of those AED things on board . " He gestured at the plastic case . My brain put the pieces together slowly , but when they came together they started to fade . People were going back to their books and magazines and the movie , and pretty soon the flight attendant , the teenager and the old man helped me into an empty seat in business class . My chest hurt , and it tightened as we went past that curtain , but there was nothing to worry about . They got me settled in a seat , gave me some orange juice and told me there would be a doctor to meet me when we landed . A heart attack . I shook my head in wonder and tried to remember what had happened . Little flashes came to me - people sitting , a bathroom mirror - and then faded away like mist in the morning . I put the cup down on the seat tray and lay back . Each breath hurt , but each breath after that hurt less . I felt tears well up as I thought of what had almost happened , and I didn 't wipe them away . Randall took off his tie and slumped into a folding chair in the back of the parlor . The house was filled with people in black , milling about with little paper plates , warmed - over finger foods and expressions of sympathy on their faces . The casket was at the far end of the room , open to the world and surrounded by a magnificent display of flowers . No one was standing there now , paying their respects or remarking on how lifelike Dominic looked . They just chatted and gossiped and every now and then looked his way to see if he had broken down yet . After this funeral , he thought he might . He didn 't after Wally 's . Or Ari 's . But this one , maybe . Three funerals , three brothers in as many years . This might be the one where he finally got the chance to drop out of grad school , curl up in a ball and go to pieces . The crowd shifted and he saw Calvin sitting next to the casket , and Randall 's heart broke . Cal was still a teenager . Still skinny and lanky , and he looked utterly fragile and alone over there . Tears welled up in Randall 's eyes . Cal should have brothers . He should have brothers to show him how to grow up , how to become the good man that he should be . He could see it all in his head , the life that should have been . Ari would have been a model husband , a great example of how to find the right woman and make a relationship work . He and Keisha would have been married by now , if it hadn 't been for the car accident . They would have been beautiful together . Wally was the risk - taker , the one who knew what he wanted and how to get it . So unlike Randall , or their parents . Wally saw opportunities everywhere and was not shy about chasing after them . Before he died , before the heart attack , he was poised to start his own company . A risk management company , of all things . Their father was ready to put his money in , which was proof of just how good Wally was . His parents had plenty of money , but neither of them was very fond of taking chances with it . Golden - tongued Wally convinced him . Randall shook his head . A heart attack . Who the hell has a heart attack at thirty - five ? That still angered him , but his father said there had been an uncle or two , one grandfather , who 'd had heart problems young . " He just got unlucky , " he said . No one was sure if it was a blessing or a tragedy that it had hit him at home , after a big Thanksgiving meal . At least he was surrounded by family , instead of lying out in some godforsaken wilderness somewhere . And now Dominic . Randall 's stomach clenched . Dom was between him and Cal , just starting college last year . He had graduated with honors , got into Aurelius College with ease , and everyone agreed that he would probably be President someday . He was easily the most well - liked person anyone knew . He somehow managed to bring people together who would have just as soon killed each other and lead them to work together before they knew what they were doing . He never told people what to do , never tricked them or lied to them or pitted one against the other . He just talked to them as if they were reasonable people who wanted the best for everyone . Somehow , against all odds , that worked . His service was the best - attended of the three . Randall wiped his eyes . Three brothers , all of them better than him . He was studying business , learning how to be a middle - manager in some faceless corporation somewhere . He was single , and had been for a long time , and lived a life of remarkable mundanity . All he had going for him was his writing - he 'd sold a couple of short stories in the last few years and had a novel he was working on . If anything would get him out of the shadow of his brothers , it would be that . Randall buried his head in his hands and started weeping quietly . Of all of them , why had he lived ? The world wouldn 't miss Randall D ' Amato very much at all . " Hey . " Randall looked up through bleary eyes and saw Cal standing in front of him in the same tailored suit he 'd worn for the last three funerals . He was starting to grow out of it , too . " You okay ? " he asked . Randall let out a half - laugh and wiped his eyes clear again . " No , " he said . " Not really . " He looked at his brother . " How about you ? " Cal shrugged and sat down on the sofa next to him . The kid was still young , about to enter high school , and didn 't know what he was going to be yet . He played the guitar really well , and was the lead in the drama club 's last production . But he also had a thing for machines - airplanes and cars mostly . He got an old - school chemistry set from their grandparents and went through every experiment in the workbook within a week . He took care of stray animals , drew pictures , and excelled at math . Randall patted Cal 's knee , and the boy looked over at him . " We 'll be okay , " he said . Cal nodded . " I wish it didn 't have to be like this , " he said . His voice cracked , a hint of who he would be someday . They sat in silence for a minute or two . " You know who I feel really sorry for ? " Cal asked . Randall looked over . " Mom and dad . " He looked around until he spotted them and Randall followed his gaze . His mother was sitting in the antique rocker , the one she 'd nursed all five of her boys in , and looked burned out . People kept coming over to say how terrible they felt , what a tragedy it was , and she just nodded like a mechanical doll . She was already gone . Their father was a little better . He stood next to the chair , weakly shaking hands and making sure people didn 't linger too long with his wife . Randall nodded and felt the shame run down to his toes . He had been feeling sorry for himself , worrying about his own insignificance , when these two people had just done the unthinkable a third time - they had buried a child . When Wally died , they had fallen to pieces , but they vowed to be strong , to carry on in his name . When Ari died , they were confused for a while . Depressed . Their father started to drink . Now Dominic 's death had broken them . Randall shook his head . " I was all wound up in my own problems . I wasn 't thinking of them . God , I 'm an ass … " Cal put his arm around his brother and pulled him close , a gesture of kindness that drove Randall back into wet , quiet sobs . They sat that way for a while , until Randall was able to compose himself . " It 's okay , " Cal whispered . " You don 't have to be the strong one here . " Cal waited until his brother 's eyes focused on him and then leaned in . " Maybe you 're right , " he said . " Maybe you are too wrapped up in yourself . " He reached up and wiped away tears from Randall 's face . " I can 't blame you . " His voice dropped to a whisper . " Maybe you should just … go . " Cal looked around and hushed him . " Look , Randy . It 's you and me now , right ? Mom and dad , they 're in their own world now , and I understand . " Cal 's face was close to Randall 's now , and his voice was stronger than he 'd expected . He kept their gazes locked , and it seemed that Cal blinked a lot less than he should . " You 're off studying to be , what , a cube - dweller ? " He shrugged . " If that 's what you want to be , then fine . If that 's what you want to do to honor our brothers … " The shame that Randall had been holding on to flared into rage . " Now you just wait right there , Cal , " he growled . " I have a plan . I 'm doing what I want to do with my life . " " There you go , " Cal said . He patted Randall on the back . " Mom and Dad are in a bad place right now . I 've been there this whole time , I know what they 're going through . I can take care of this . " He patted him again . " You 'll probably just be in the way . " He stood up , took Randall 's arm , and lifted him to his feet . " C ' mon . Why don 't you go home ? " Randall let himself be led by his brother out to the parking lot . They passed his parents on the way out , but he couldn 't bring himself to say anything . He just stopped there and took his mother 's hand . It was cold and still and dry , and she didn 't look up at him . She just glanced over at Cal , took a shallow breath , and went back to staring straight ahead . Cal and Randall went outside , and the brisk November air was a relief after the stuffiness of the funeral parlor . Randall got into his car , but didn 't start it . Cal stood there , holding the door open and looking remarkably adult for his age . " I 'm really sorry , Randy , " he said . " I know it 's hard to hear , but on a day like today we really have to say what 's true . Not just what we think is true . " He leaned in and kissed his brother on the forehead . " We don 't need you , " he whispered . " Go home . " Cal closed the car door and took a few steps back . He leaned on their parents ' Mercedes and clasped his hands in front of him . He didn 't wave . He just waited . He was right . Randall twisted the key and the car started . They didn 't need him . And home ? A single man 's apartment , no more than a dorm room . No girlfriend . No pets . He blinked a few times . Cal was right . They didn 't need him . Nobody needed him . And nobody would . Randall swung the car around and lowered his window . Cal stood up straight . " Thanks , Cal , " Randall said . " Take … Take care of mom and dad for me . " Cal smiled , a tight , grim smile , and Randall rolled up the window . RT @ calamityjon : Here we go - - let 's get Jack Kirby a Google Doodle for his centennial on August 28 . Write in and spread the word ! # doodlef … 7 hours ago

Just then he thought he heard some little voices cry , " Jack ! Jack ! " His baby sister was asleep , and the nurse was reading a story - book , so it could not have been either of them who called . " I must get in here , " said the boy . " I wish this hole was larger . " So he began to wriggle and twist himself through , and just as he pulled in his last foot , he looked up , and three heads which had been peeping over the edge of the nest suddenly popped down again . His eyes were not used yet to the dim light ; but he was sure those things were not birds , - no . He poked them , and they took no notice ; but when he snatched one of them out of the nest , it gave a loud squeak , and said , " Oh , don 't , Jack ! " as plainly as possible , upon which he was so frightened that he lost his footing , dropped the thing , and slipped down himself . Luckily , he was not hurt , nor the thing either ; he could see it quite plainly now : it was creeping about like rather an old baby , and had on a little frock and pinafore . " It 's a fairy ! " exclaimed Jack to himself . " How curious ! and this must be a fairy 's nest . Oh , how angry the old mother will be if this little thing creeps away and gets out of the hole ! " So he looked down . " Oh , the hole is on the other side , " he said ; and he turned round , but the hole was not on the other side ; it was not on any side ; it must have closed up all of a sudden , while he was looking into the nest , for , look whichever way he would , there was no hole at all , excepting a very little one high up over the nest , which let in a very small sunbeam . These young fairies were a long time dividing and munching the cake , and before they had finished , it began to be rather dark , for a black cloud came over and covered the little sunbeam . At the same time the wind rose , and rocked the boughs , and made the old tree creak and tremble . Then there was thunder and rain , and the little fairies were so frightened that they got out of the nest and crept into Jack 's pockets . One got into each waistcoat pocket , and the other two were very comfortable , for he took out his handkerchief and made room for them in the pocket of his jacket . " Yes , it will , " answered the fairy , with an air of superior wisdom . " Don 't argue with me ; I am older now than you are , - nearly grown up , in fact . Put me into your pocket again , and whistle as loudly as you can . " " Yes , " said the albatross ; " the back way , mind ; we are only going the back way . You could go in two minutes by the usual route ; but these young fairies want to go before they are summoned , and therefore you and I are taking them . " And she continued to fly on in the dark sky for a very long time . Jack might have taken more notice of Will , if the albatross had not begun to light up . She did it in this way : First , one of her eyes began to gleam with a beautiful green light , which cast its rays far and near , and then , when it was as bright as a lamp , the other eye began to shine , and the light of that eye was red . In short , she was lighted up just like a vessel at sea . In the first place , all the stars excepting a few large ones were gone , and they looked frightened ; and as it got lighter , one after the other seemed to give a little start in the blue sky and go out . And then Jack looked down and saw , as he thought , a great country , covered with very jagged snow mountains with astonishingly sharp peaks . Here and there he saw a very deep lake , - at least he thought it was a lake ; but while he was admiring the mountains , there came an enormous crack between two of the largest , and he saw the sun come rolling up among them , and it seemed to be almost smothered . " Some of them had captains who ill - used their cabin - boys , some were pirate ships , and others were going out on evil errands . The consequence was , that when they chanced to sail within this great bay they got becalmed ; the fairies came and picked all the sailors out and threw them into the water ; they then took away the flags and pennons to make their best coats of , threw the ship - biscuits and other provisions to the fishes , and set all the sails . Many ships which are supposed by men to have foundered lie becalmed in this quiet sea . Look at those five grand ones with high prows ; they are moored close together ; they were part of the Spanish Armada : and those open boats with blue sails belonged to the Romans ; they sailed with Caesar when he invaded Britain . " " They are certainly asleep , " said the bird . " Put them away again , and take great care of them . Mind you don 't lose any of them , for I really don 't know what will happen if you do . Now I have one thing more to say to you , and that is , are you hungry ? " " Then , " replied the albatross , " as soon as you feel very hungry , lie down in the bottom of the boat and go to sleep . You will dream that you see before you a roasted fowl , some new potatoes , and an apple - pie . Mind you don 't eat too much in your dream , or you will be sorry for it when you wake . That is all . Good - by ! I must go . " She was not sailing , for she had no sails , and he was not rowing , for he had no oars ; so I am obliged to call her motion swimming , because I don 't know of a better word . In less than a quarter of an hour they passed close under the bows of a splendid three - decker , a seventy - gun ship . The gannets who live in those parts had taken possession of her , and she was so covered with nests that you could not have walked one step on her deck without treading on them . The father birds were aloft in the rigging , or swimming in the warm , green sea , and they made such a clamor when they saw Jack that they nearly woke the fairies , - nearly , but not quite , for the little things turned round in Jack 's pockets , and sneezed , and began to snore again . Then the boat swam past a fine brig . Some sea fairies had just flung her cargo overboard , and were playing at leap - frog on deck . These were not at all like Jack 's own fairies ; they were about the same height and size as himself , and they had brown faces , and red flannel skirts and red caps on . A large fleet of the pearly nautilus was collected close under the vessel 's lee . The little creatures were feasting on what the sea fairies had thrown overboard , and Jack 's boat , in its eagerness to get on , went plunging through them so roughly that several were capsized . Upon this the brown sea fairies looked over , and called out angrily , " Boat ahoy ! " and the boat stopped . He wondered how he should get the fairies on shore ; However , in about an hour the river became much narrower , and then Jack saw that the guards were not real soldiers , but rose - colored flamingoes . There they stood , in long regiments , among the reeds , and never stirred . They are the only foot - soldiers the fairies have in their pay ; they are very fierce , and never allow anything but a fairy ship to come up the river . " How odd ! " thought Jack . " I wonder whether I ought to have spoken ; for the boat certainly did not intend to come into this bay . However , I think I will let her alone now , for I certainly do wish very much to land here . " " Do , " said the other . " We 'll go home and have a cup of tea . " Then she glanced at Jack , who was still sitting in the boat , and said , " Can you strike ? " " I have a great mind to land , " thought Jack . " I should not wonder at all if this is Fairyland . So as the boat came here to please me , I shall ask it to stay where it is , in case I should want it again . " " No , no . Gee ! I tell you , " cried the first . Upon this , to Jack 's intense astonishment , the old horse stopped , and said , speaking through his nose , - " Never , " answered Jack ; " they can 't . " " You mean they won 't , " observed the old horse ; and though he spoke the words of mankind , it was not in a voice like theirs . Still Jack felt that his was just the natural tone for a horse , and that it did not arise only from the length of his nose . " You 'll find out some day , perhaps , " he continued , " whether horses can talk or not . " " Yes , yes , of course he has , " one of the women broke in ; " but he has come here to get all right again . This is a very wholesome country for horses ; isn 't it , Boney ? " " Yes , " said the horse . " Yes , " said the other , as if apologizing for the poor old horse . " He gets low - spirited when he thinks of all he has gone through ; but he is a vast deal better already than he was . He used to live in London ; his master always carried a long whip to beat him with , and never spoke civilly to him . " " Ah ! " she replied . " Well , I thought you were , by the way Boney spoke to you . How frightened you must be ! I wonder what will be done to all your people for driving , and working , and beating so many beautiful creatures to death every year that comes ? They 'll have to pay for it some day , you may depend . " " It has nothing to do with me , " she answered . " We are only here to take care of all the creatures that men have ill used . While they are sick and old , which they are when first they come to us , - after they are dead , you know , - we take care of them , and gradually bring them up to be young and happy again . " Just then a little man , dressed like a groom , came running up out of breath . " Oh , here you are , Dow ! " he exclaimed to the red - coated woman . " Come along , will you ? Lady Betty wants you ; it 's such a hot day , and nobody , she says , can fan her so well as you can . " " She 's machine - made , " observed the old horse , in a melancholy voice , and with a deep sigh . " In the largest magnifying - glass you 'll hardly find the least fault with her chain . She 's not like the goods they turn out in Clerkenwell . " " Harm ! " exclaimed the groom ; " harm indeed ! Why , you reminded her of a jockey . It 's enough to hold her back , poor thing ! - and we trying so hard , too , to make her forget what a cruel end she came to in the old world . " " Fairyland ! " exclaimed the groom , stepping back with surprise . " Why , what made you think of such a thing ? This is only one of the border countries , where things are set right again that people have caused to go wrong in the world . The world , you know , is what men and women call their own home . " " She was a beautiful fleet creature , of the race - horse breed , " said the groom ; " and she won silver cups for her master , and then they made her run a steeple - case , which frightened her , but still she won it ; and then they made her run another , and she cleared some terribly high hurdles , and many gates and ditches , till she came to an awful one , and at first she would not take it , but her rider spurred and beat her till she tried . It was beyond her powers , and she fell and broke both her forelegs . Then they shot her . After she had died that miserable death , we had her here to make her all right again . " Jack , in fact , heard the violent ringing of a bell at some distance ; and when the groom began to run , he ran beside him , for he thought he should like to see the palace . As they ran , people gathered from all sides , - fields , cottages , mills , - till at last there was a little crowd , among whom Jack saw Dow and Faxa , and they were all making for a large house , the wide door of which was standing open . Jack stood with the crowd , and peeped in . There was a woman sitting inside upon a rocking - chair , - a tall , large woman , with a gold - colored gown on , - and beside her stood a table , covered with things that looked like keys . Jack looked in , and saw the people pass in and stand close by the woman . One after the other she took by the chin with her left hand , and with her right hand found a key that pleased her . It seemed to Jack that there was a tiny key - hole in the back of their heads , and that she put the key in and wound them up . " We shall see , " said Faxa quietly . And Jack was so frightened that he set off , and ran back towards the river with all his might . Many of the people called to him to stop , but they could not run after him , because they wanted winding up . However , they would certainly have caught him if he had not been very quick , for before he got to the river he heard behind him the footsteps of those who had been first attended to by the Queen , and he had only just time to spring into the boat when they reached the edge of the water . " Yes , " said another , " fairies are delicate eating indeed . We must speak Jack fair if we want to get at them . " And she heaved up a deep sigh . Jack lay still , and thought he had better pretend to be asleep ; but they soon noticed that his eyes were open , and one of them presently walked up his leg and bowed , and asked if he was hungry . Jack was so thrown off his guard that he snatched one fairy out , just to make sure that it was safe . It was the one with the mustache ; and , alas ! in one instant the raven flew at it , got it out of his hand , and pecked off its head before it had time to wake or Jack to rescue it . Then , as she slowly rose , she croaked , and said to Jack , " You 'll catch it for this my young master ! " and she flew to the bough of a tree , where she finished eating the fairy and threw his little empty coat into the river . On this Jack began to cry bitterly , and to think what a foolish boy he had been . He was the more sorry because he did not even know that poor little fellow 's name . But he had heard the others calling by name to their companions , and very grand names they were too . One was Jovinian , - he was a very fierce - looking gentleman ; the other two were Roxaletta and Mopsa . The moth settled on a great red honey - flower , and he stole up to look at it . As large as a swallow , it floated on before him . Its wings were nearly black , and they had spots of gold on them . The people who sold in these tents were as strange as their neighbors ; each had a little high cap on his head , in shape just like a beehive , and it was made of straw , and had a little hole in front . In fact , Jack very soon saw bees flying in and out , and it was evident that these people had their honey made on the premises . They were chiefly selling country produce . They had cheeses so large as to reach to their waists , and the women trundled them along as boys do their hoops . They sold a great many kinds of seed , too , in wooden bowls , and cakes and good things to eat , such as gilt gingerbread . Jack bought some of this , and found it very nice indeed . But when he took out his money to pay for it , the little man looked rather strangely at it , and turned it over with an air of disgust . Then Jack saw him hand it to his wife , who also seemed to dislike it ; and presently Jack observed that they followed him about , first on one side , then on the other . At last , the little woman slipped her hand into his pocket , and Jack , putting his hand in directly , found his sixpence had been returned . There were some very strange creatures also , about the same height as Jack , who had no tents , and seemed there to buy , not to sell . Yet they looked poorer than the other folks , and they were also very cross and discontented ; nothing pleased them . Their clothes were made of moss , and their mantles of feathers ; and they talked in a queer whistling tone of voice , and carried their skinny little children on their backs and on their shoulders . They were treated with great respect by the people in the tents ; and when Jack asked his friend to whom he had given the whistle what they were , and where they got so much money as they had , she replied that they lived over the hills , and were afraid to come in their best clothes . They were rich and powerful at home , and they came shabbily dressed , and behaved humbly , lest their enemies should envy them . It was very dangerous , she said , to fairies to be envied . " What do you make such a fuss for ? " cried the discontented woman . " You 've set your cage swinging with knocking yourself about ; and what good does that do ? I cannot break the spell and open it for you . " HAT gypsy woman who is coming with her cart , " said the parrot , " is a fairy too , and very malicious . It was she and others of her tribe who caught us and put us into these cages , for they are more powerful than we . Mind you do not let her allure you into the woods , nor wheedle you or frighten you into giving her any of those fairies . " " Yes , a baby , " repeated the old parrot ; " and I hope by means of that baby to get her driven away , and perhaps get free myself . I shall try to put her in a passion . Here she comes . " When she began to sing her selling song , he felt a most curious sensation . He felt as if there were some cobwebs before his face , and he put up his hand as if to clear them away . There were no real cobwebs , of course ; and yet he again felt as if they floated from the gypsy woman to him , like gossamer threads , and attracted him towards her . So he gazed at her , and she at him , till Jack began to forget how the parrot had warned him . He saw her baby too , wondered whether it was heavy for her to carry , and wished he could help her . I mean , he saw that she had a baby on her arm . It was wrapped in a shawl , and had a handkerchief over its face . She seemed very fond of it , for she kept hushing it ; and Jack softly moved nearer and nearer to the cart , till the gypsy woman smiled , and suddenly began to sing , - When he came to the end of the verse he pretended to burst into a violent fit of sobbing and crying , and screeched out to his wife , " Mate ! mate ! hand up my handkerchief . Oh ! oh ! it 's so affecting , this song is . " " It 's beautiful ! " screeched the parrot - wife , " and so ap - pro - pri - ate . " Jack was delighted when she managed slowly to say this long word with her black tongue , and he burst out laughing . In the mean time a good many of the brown people came running together , attracted by the noise of the parrot and the rage of the gypsy , who flung at his cage , one after the other , all the largest things she had in her cart . But nothing did the parrot any harm ; the more violently his cage swung , the louder he sang , till at last the wicked gypsy seized her poor little young baby , who was lying in her arms , rushed frantically at the cage as it flew swiftly through the air towards her , and struck at it with the little creature 's head . " Oh , you cruel , cruel woman ! " cried Jack , and all the small mothers who were standing near with their skinny children on their shoulders , screamed out with terror and indignation ; but only for one instant , for the handkerchief flew off that had covered its face , and was caught in the wires of the cage , and all the people saw that it was not a real baby at all , but a bundle of clothes , and its head was a turnip . Upon this all the crowd pressed closer , throwing baskets , and brushes , and laces , and beads at the gypsy , and calling out , " We will have none of your goods , you false woman ! Give us back our money , or we will drive you out of the fair . You 've stuck a stick into a turnip , and dressed it up in baby clothes . You 're a cheat ! a cheat ! " " If Jack lets her allure him into the woods , he 'll never come out again . She 'll hang him up in a cage , as she did us . I say , how does my shawl fit ? " " Stop ! " cried the gypsy , as the old parrot made a peck at the strange letters . " Oh ! you 're hurting me . What do you want ? I say again , tell me what you want , and you shall have it . " " Then give me my handkerchief , " answered the gypsy , " to bandage my eyes . I dare not say the words with my eyes open . You had no business to steal it . It was woven by human hands , so that nobody can see through it ; and if you don 't give it to me , you 'll never get out , - no , never ! " " Then I won 't let you out , " answered the gypsy . " You shall come out first , and give me my handkerchief , or not one of their cages will I undo . So take your choice . " The wondering crowd stood by to look , and the gypsy bandaged her eyes tightly with the handkerchief ; and then , stooping low , she began to murmur something and clap her hands - softly at first , but by degrees more and more violently . The noise was meant to drown the words she muttered ; but as she went on clapping , the bottom of cage after cage fell clattering down . Out flew the parrots by hundreds , screaming and congratulating one another ; and there was such a deafening din that not only the sound of her spell , but the clapping of her hands , was quite lost in it . Jack flung down the old parrot 's head and great beak , for he saw that what he had to do was to clear the fairy of its parrot covering . The poor little creature seemed nearly dead , it was so terribly squeezed in the wires . It had a green gown or robe on , with an ermine collar ; and Jack got hold of this dress , stripped the fairy out of the parrot feathers , and dragged her through , - velvet robe , and crimson girdle , and little yellow shoes . She was very much exhausted , but a kind brown woman took her instantly , and laid her in her bosom . She was a splendid little creature , about half a foot long . He returned the handkerchief to the parrot , who put it round his own neck , and again Jack pulled . But oh ! what a tough old parrot that was , and how Jack tugged before his cunning head would come off ! It did , however , at last ; and just as a fine fairy pulled through , leaving his parrot skin and the handkerchief behind him , the gypsy untied her eyes , and saw what Jack had done . " That 's right , " said the fairy on Jack 's shoulder , when he saw his friend push the brand between the wires of what had been his cage , and set the gypsy 's handkerchief on fire , and all the bits of her clothes with it . " She won 't find much of herself here , " he observed , as Jack went on . " It will not be very easy to put herself together again . " Then the parrot fairy and his wife sprang down , and kissed their hands to him as he stepped on board and pushed the boat off . He saw , when he looked back , that a great fight was still going on ; so he was glad to get away , and he wished his two friends good - by , and set off , the old parrot fairly calling after him , " My relations have put some of our favorite food on board for you . " Then they again thanked him for his good help , and sprang into a tree , and the boat began to go down the wonderful river . " This has been a most extraordinary day , " thought Jack ; " the strangest day I have had yet . " And after he had eaten a good supper of what the parrots had brought , he felt so tired and sleepy that he lay down in the boat , and presently fell fast asleep . His fairies were sound asleep too in his pockets , and nothing happened of the least consequence ; so he slept comfortably till morning . " Do I ? " said the fairy woman , gently . " Well , master , you will do as you please . " " But you know better than I do , " said Jack , " though you are my slave . " " You had better give me the shilling , then , " answered the little old woman ; " and then I advise you to go back to the boat , and wait there till I come . " " What ! " said Jack ; " can you go all the way back into the town again ? I think you must be tired , for you know you are so very old . " The fairy woman laughed when Jack said this , and she had such a sweet laugh that he loved to hear it ; but she took the shilling , and trudged off to the town , and he went back to the boat , his hound running after him . He was a long time going , for he ran a good many times after butterflies , and then he climbed up several trees ; and altogether he amused himself for such a long while that when he reached the boat his fairy woman was there before him . So he stepped on board , the hound followed , and the boat immediately began to swim on . " Why , you have not bought any new clothes ! " said Jack to his slave . " No , master , " answered the fairy woman ; " but I have bought what I wanted . " And she took out of her pocket a little tiny piece of purple ribbon , with a gold - colored satin edge , and a very small tortoise - shell comb . When Jack saw these he was vexed , and said , " What do you mean by being so silly ? I can 't scold you properly , because I don 't know what name to call you by , and I don 't like to say ' Slave , ' because that sounds so rude . Why , this bit of ribbon is such a little bit that it 's of no use at all . It 's not large enough even to make one mitten of . " " Isn 't it ? " said the slave . " Just take hold of it , master , and let us see if it will stretch . " So Jack did . And she pulled , and he pulled , and very soon the silk had stretched till it was nearly as large as a handkerchief ; and then she shook it , and they pulled again . " This is very good fun , " said Jack ; " why now it is as large as an apron . " So she shook it again , and gave it a twitch here and a pat there ; and then they pulled again , and the silk suddenly stretched so wide that Jack was very nearly falling overboard . So Jack 's slave pulled off her ragged gown and apron , and put it on . It was a most beautiful robe of purple silk ; it had a gold border , and it just fitted her . " That will do , " she said . And then she took out the little tortoise - shell comb , pulled off her cap , and threw it into the river . She had a little knot of soft , gray hair , and she let it down , and began tThen she began to gather up her lovely locks ; and when she had dried her eyes with them , she said , " Master , do you know what you have done ? look at me now ! " So she threw back the hair from her face , and it was a beautiful young face ; and she looked so happy that Jack was glad he had bought her with his half - crown , - so glad that he could not help crying , and the fair slave cried too ; and then instantly the little fairies woke , and sprang out of Jack 's pockets . As they did so , Jovinian cried out , " Madam , I am your most humble servant ; " and Roxaletta said , " I hope your Grace is well ; " but the third got on Jack 's knee , and took hold of the buttons of his waistcoat , and when the lovely slave looked at her she hid her face and blushed with pretty childish shyness . " THESE ARE FAIRIES , " SAID JACK ' S SLAVE , " BUT WHAT ARE YOU ? " " These are fairies , " said Jack 's slave ; " but what are you ? " " Jack kissed me , " said the little thing ; " and I want to sit on his knee . " " Yes , " said Jack ; " I took them out , and laid them in a row , to see that they were safe , and this one I kissed , because she looked such a little dear . " " Was she not like the others , then ? " asked the slave . " Yes , " said Jack ; " but I liked her the best ; she was my favorite . " Now , the instant these three fairies sprang out of Jack 's pockets , they got very much larger ; in fact , they became fully grown , - that is to say , they measured exactly one foot one inch in height , which , as most people know , is exactly the proper height for fairies of that tribe . The two who had sprung our first were very beautifully dressed . One had a green velvet coat , and a sword , the hilt of which was incrusted with diamonds . The second had a white spangled robe , and the loveliest rubies and emeralds round her neck and in her hair ; but the third , the one who sat on Jack 's knee , had a white frock and a blue sash on . She had soft , fat arms , and a face just like that of a sweet little child . When Jack 's slave saw this , she took the little creature on her knee , and said to her , " How comes it that you are not like your companions ? " And she answered , in a pretty lisping voice . " It 's because Jack kissed me . " " Even so it must be , " answered the slave ; " the love of a mortal works changes indeed . It is not often that we win anything so precious . Here , master , let her sit on your knee sometimes , and take care of her , for she cannot now take the same care of herself that others of her race are capable of . " So Jack let little Mopsa sit on his knee ; and when he was tired of admiring his slave , and wondering at the respect with which the other two fairies treated her , and at their cleverness in getting water - lilies for her , and fanning her with feathers , he curled himself up in the bottom of the boat with his own little favorite , and taught her how to play at cat 's - cradle . When they had been playing some time , and Mopsa was getting quite clever at the game , the lovely slave said , " Master , it is a long time since you spoke to me . " " And yet , " said Jack , " there is something that I particularly want to ask you about . " " Ask it then , " she replied . " I don 't like to have a slave , " answered Jack ; " and as you are so clever , don 't you think you can find out how to be free again ? " " Oh , there are many things , " said Jack . " I like going up this river to Fairyland much better . " " But you are going there , master , " said the fairy woman ; " you were on the way before I met with you . " " I like this little child better , " said Jack ; " I love this little Mopsa . I should like her to belong to me . " " She is yours , " answered the fairy woman ; " she belongs to you already . Think of something else . " Jack thought again , and was so long about it that at last the beautiful slave said to him , " Master , do you see those purple mountains ? " Jack turned round in the boat , and saw a splendid range of purple mountains , going up and up . They were very great and steep , each had a crown of snow , and the sky was very red behind them , for the sun was going down . " At the other side of those mountains is Fairyland , " said the slave ; " but if you can not think of something that you should like better to have than your half - crown , I can never enter in . The river flows straight up to yonder steep precipice , and there is a chasm in it which pierces it , and through which the river runs down beneath , among the very roots of the mountains , till it comes out at the other side . Thousands and thousands of the small people will come when they see the boat , each with a silken thread in his hand ; but if there is a slave in it , not all their strength and skill can tow it through . Look at those rafts on the river ; on them are the small people coming up . " Jack looked , and saw that the river was spotted with rafts , on which were crowded brown fairy sailors , each one with three green stripes on his sleeve , which looked like good conduct marks . All the sailors were chattering very fast , and the rafts were coming down to meet the boat . " All these sailors to tow my slave ! " said Jack . " I wonder , I do wonder , what you are ? " But the fairy woman only smiled , and Jack went on : " I have thought of something that I should like much better than my half - crown . I should like to have a little tiny bit of that purple gown of yours with the gold border . " Then the faiVIII Y this time , as the sun had gone down , and none of the moons had risen , it would have been dark but that each of the rafts was rigged with a small mast that had a lantern hung to it . By the light of these lanterns Jack saw crowds of little brown faces ; and presently many rafts had come up to the boat , which was now swimming very slowly . Every sailor in every raft fastened to the boat 's side a silken thread ; then the rafts were rowed to shore , and the sailors jumped out , and began to tow the boat along . These crimson threads looked no stronger than the silk that ladies sew with , yet by means of them the small people drew the boat along merrily . There were so many of them that they looked like an army as they marched in the light of the lanterns and torches . Jack thought they were very happy , though the work was hard , for they shouted and sang . The fairy woman looked more beautiful than ever now , and far more stately . She had on a band of precious stones to bind back her hair , and they shone so brightly in the night that her features could be clearly seen . Jack 's little favorite was fast asleep , and the other two fairies had flown away . He was beginning to feel rather sleepy himself , when he was roused by the voice of his free lady , who said to him , " Jack , there is no one listening now , so I will tell you my story . I am the Fairy Queen ! " Jack opened his eyes very wide , but he was so much surprised that he did not say a word . " One day , long , long ago , " said the Queen , I was discontented with my own happy country . I wished to see the world , so I set forth with a number of the one - foot - one fairies , and went down the wonderful river , thinking to see the world . " So we sailed down the river till we came to that town which you know of ; and there in the very middle of the stream , stood a tower , - a tall tower , built upon a rock . " Fairies are afraid of nothing but of other fairies , and we did not think this tower was fairy - work , so we left our ship and went up the rock and into the tower , to see what it was like ; but just as we had descended into the dungeon keep , we heard the gurgling of water overhead , and down came the tower . It was nothing but water enchanted into the likeness of stone , and we all fell down with it into the very bed of the river . " Of course we were not drowned , but there we were obliged to lie , for we have no power out of our own element ; and the next day the towns - people came down with a net and dragged the river , picked us all out of the meshes , and made us slaves . The one - foot - one fairies got away shortly ; but from that day to this , in sorrow and distress , I have had to serve my masters . Luckily , my crown had fallen off in the water , so I was not known to be the Queen ; but till you came , Jack , I had almost forgotten that I had ever been happy and free , and I had hardly any hope of getting away . " " How sorry your people must have been , " sai " Queen , who is the apple - woman ? " " I 've only had her for a very little while , " said the Queen evasively . " And how long do you think you have been a slave , Queen ? " asked Jack . " I don 't know , " said the Queen . " I have never been able to make up my mind about that . " And now all the moons began to shine , and all the trees lighted themselves up , for almost every leaf had a glowworm or a fire - fly on it , and the water was full of fishes that had shining eyes . And now they were close to the steep mountain side ; and Jack looked and saw an opening in it , into which the river ran . It was a kind of cave , something like a long , long church with a vaulted roof , only the pavement of it was that magic river , and a narrow towing - path ran on either side . As they entered the cave there was a hollow , murmuring sound , and the Queen 's crown became so bright that it lighted up the whole boat ; at the same time she began to tell Jack a wonderful story , which he liked very much to hear , but every fresh thing she said he forgot what had gone before ; and at last , though he tried very hard to listen , he was obliged to go to sleep ; and he slept soundly , and never dreamed of anything till it was morning . He saw such a curious sight when he woke ! They had been going through this underground cavern all night , and now they were approaching its opening on the other side . This opening , because they were a good way from it yet , looked like a lovely little round window of blue and yellow and green glass , but as they drew on he could see far - off mountains , blue sky , and a country all covered with sunshine . He heard singing , too , such as fairies make ; and he saw some beautiful people , such as those fairies whom he had brought with him . They were coming along the towing - path . They were all lady fairies ; but they were not very polite , for as each one came up she took a silken rope out of a brown sailor 's hand , and gave him a shove which pushed him into the water . In fact , the water became filled with such swarms of these sailors that the boat could hardly get on . But the poor little brown fellows did not seem to mind this conduct , for they plunged and shook themselves about , scattering a good deal of spray . Then they all suddenly dived , and when they came up again they were ducks , - nothing but brown ducks , I assure you , with green stripes on their wings ; and with a great deal of quacking and floundering , they all began to swim back again as fast as they could . Jack watched her . A whole crowd of one - foot - one fairies came down a garden to meet her , and he saw them conduct her to a beautiful tent , with golden poles and a silken covering ; but nobody took the slightest notice of him , or of little Mopsa , or of the hound , and after a long silence the hound said , " Well , master , don 't you feel hungry ? Why don 't you go with the others and have some breakfast ? " So he walked up that beautiful garden till he came to the great tent . A banquet was going on inside . All the one - foot - one fairies sat down the sides of the table , and at the top sat the Queen on a larger chair ; and there were two empty chairs , one on each side of her . Jack blushed ; but the hound whispering again , " Master , whatever you can do you may do , " he came slowly up the table towards the Queen , who was saying as he drew near , " Where is our trusty and well - beloved , the apple - woman ? " And she took no notice of Jack ; so , though he could not help feeling rather red and ashamed , he went and sat in the chair beside her with Mopsa still on his shoulder . Mopsa laughed for joy when she saw the feast . The Queen said , " Oh , Jack , I am so glad to see you ! " and some of the one - foot - one fairies cried out , " What a delightful little creature that is ! She can laugh ! Perhaps she can also cry ! " In the meantime there was a noise outside , and in stumped an elderly woman . She had very thick boots on , a short gown of red print , an orange cotton handkerchief over her shoulders , and a black silk bonnet . She was exactly the same height as the Queen , - for of course nobody in Fairyland is allowed to be any bigger than the Queen ; so , if they are not children when they arrive , they are obliged to shrink . " I am as well as can be expected , " answered the apple - woman , sitting down in the empty chair . " Now , then , where 's my tea ? They 're never ready with my cup of tea . " " Pretty lamb ! " said the apple - woman ; " It 's just like a child . " And then she burst into tears , and exclaimed , sobbing , " It 's many a long day since I 've seen a child . Oh dear ! Oh deary me ! " " Oh dear ! oh dear ! " they said to one another , " we 're crying ; we can cry just as well as men and women . Isn 't it delightful ? What a luxury it is to cry , to be sure ! " HEN the breakfast was over , the guests got up , one after the other , without taking the least notice of the Queen ; and the tent began to get so thin and transparent that you could see the trees and the sky through it . At last , it looked only like a colored mist , with blue , and green , and yellow stripes , and then it was gone ; and the table and all the things on it began to go in the same way . Only Jack , and the apple - woman , and Mopsa were left sitting on their chairs , with the Queen between them . Presently , the Queen 's lips began to move , and her eyes looked straight before her , as she sat upright in her chair . Whereupon the apple - woman snatched up Mopsa , and seizing Jack 's hand , hurried him off , exclaiming , " Come away ! come away ! She is going to tell one of her stories ; and if you listen , you 'll be obliged to go to sleep , and sleep nobody knows how long , " After this Jack told the hound to watch his boat , and went himself in search of the apple - woman . Not one fairy was to be seen , any more than if he had been in his own country , and he wandered down the green margin of the river till he saw the apple - woman sitting at a small stall with apples on it , and cherries tied to sticks , and some dry - looking nuts . She had Mopsa on her knee , and had washed her face , and put a beautiful clean white frock on her . " Grows ! " said the apple - woman , laughing . " Grows ! Why , you don 't think , surely , that she will ever be any different from what she is now ? " " Why , there 's the rain and the cold , and not having anything to eat excepting what you earn . And yet , " said the apple - woman , " I have three boys of my own at home ; one of them must be nearly a man by this time , and the youngest is about as old as you are . If I went home I might find one or more of those boys in jail , and then how miserable I should be . " " Yes , " said the apple - woman ; " but now I live here I don 't care about anything so much as I used to do . ' May I have a satin gown and a coach ? ' I asked , when first I came . ' You may have a hundred and fifty satin gowns if you like , ' said the Queen , ' and twenty coaches with six cream - colored horses to each . ' But when I had been here a little time , and found I could have every thing I wished for , and change it as often as I pleased , I began not to care for anything ; and at last I got so sick of all their grand things that I dressed myself in my own clothes that I came in , and made up my mind to have a stall and sit at it , as I used to do , selling apples . And I used to say to myself , ' I have but to wish with all my heart to go home , and I can go , I know that ; ' but oh dear ! oh dear ! I couldn 't wish enough , for it would come into my head that I should be poor , or that my boys would have forgotten me , or that my neighbors would look down on me , and so I always put off wishing for another day . Now here is the Queen coming . Sit down on the grass and play with Mopsa . Don 't let her see us talking together , lest she should think I have been telling you things which you ought not to know . " " Because I heard a little of it , " observed Jack . " I thought she was talking of me . She said , ' So he took the measure , and Mopsa stood still for once , and he found she was only one foot high , and she grew a great deal after that . Yes , she can grow . ' " Of how she heard me sobbing , " replied Jack ; " and while you went on about stepping on board the ship , she said , ' He was very good to me , dear little fellow ! But Fate is the name of my old mother , and she reigns here . Oh , she reigns ! The fatal F is in her name , and I cannot take it out ! ' " " There are no reeds , and no rushes either , here , " said the apple - woman , " and I have walked the river from end to end . I don 't think much of that part of the story . But you are sure she said that Mopsa was short of her proper height ? " The next morning , when he woke , a pretty voice called to him , " Jack ! Jack ! " and he opened his eyes and saw Mopsa . The apple - woman had dressed her in a clean frock and blue shoes , and her hair was so long ! She was standing on the landing - place , close to him . " Oh , Jack ! I 'm so big , " she said . " I grew in the night ; look at me . " The apple - woman laughed , and said , " To think of the pretty thing talking so queenlike already ! Yes , that 's right , and just what the grown - up fairies say . Go on , and explain it to him if you can . " " You know , " said Mopsa , " that your people say there was a time when there were none of them in the world , - a time before they were made . Well , THIS is that time . This IS long ago . " " Because , " said Mopsa , " when the albatross brought you , she did not fly with you a long way off , but a long way back , - hundreds and hundreds of years . This is your world , as you can see ; but none of your people are here , because they are not made yet . I don 't think any of them will be made for a thousand years . " So they got into the boat , and it floated into the middle of the river , and then made for the opposite bank , where the water was warm and very muddy , and the river became so very wide that it seemed to be afternoon when they got near enough to see it clearly ; and what they saw was a boggy country , green , and full of little rills ; but the water , - which , as I told you , was thick and muddy , - the water was full of small holes ! You never saw water with eyelet - holes in it ; but Jack did . On all sides of the boat he saw holes moving about in pairs , and some were so close that he looked and saw their lining : they were lined with pink , and they snorted ! Jack was afraid , but he considered that this was such a long time ago that the holes , whatever they were , could not hurt him ; but it made him start , notwithstanding , when a huge flat - head reared itself up close to the boat , and he found that the holes were the nostrils of creatures who kept all the rest of themselves under water . " There are no such things as hairy elephants , " said Jack , in his dream ; but he had hardly spoken when out of a wood close at hand some huge creatures , far larger than our elephants , came jogging down to the water . There were forty or fifty of them , and they were covered with what looked like tow . In fact , so coarse was their shaggy hair that they looked as if they were dressed in door - mats ; and when they stood still and shook themselves , such clouds of dust flew out that , as it swept over the river , it almost stifled Jack and Mopsa . Jack had just decided to dream of something else , when , with a noise greater than fifty trumpets , the elephants , having shaken out all the dust , came thundering down to the water to bathe in the liquid mud . They shook the whole country as they plunged ; but that was not all . The awful river - horses rose up , and , with shrill screams , fell upon them , and gave them battle ; while up from every rill peeped above the rushes frogs as large as oxen , and with blue and green eyes that gleamed like the eyes of cats . Thereupon Mopsa whistled softly , and in a minute or two he saw , almost spanning the river , a hundred yards off , a thing like a rainbow , or a slender bridge , or still more , like one ring or coil of an enormous serpent ; and presently the creature 's head shot up like a fountain , close to the boat , almost as high as a ship 's mast . It was the Craken ; and when Mopsa saw it , she began to cry , and said , " We are caught in this crowd of creatures , and we cannot get away from the land of dreams . Do help us , Craken ! " A good way off was another coil , and they went so safely under that , that Jack felt himself getting used to Crakens , and not afraid . Then they went under thirteen more . These kept getting nearer and nearer together , but , besides that , the fourteenth had not quite such a high span as the former ones ; but there were a great many to come , and yet they got lower and lower . Both Jack and Mopsa noticed this , but neither said a word . The thirtieth coil brushed Jack 's cap off , then they had to stoop to pass under the two next , and then they had to lie down in the bottom of the boat and they got through with the greatest difficulty ; but still before them was another ! The boat was driving straight towards it , and it lay so close to the water that the arch it made was only a foot high . When Jack saw it , he called out , " No ! that I cannot bear . Somebody else may do the rest of this dream . I shall jump overboard . " Then all on a sudden Jack opened his eyes , and found that he was lying quietly on the grass , that little Mopsa really had asked him why he did not wake . He saw the Queen too , standing by , looking at him , and saying to herself , " I did not put him to sleep . I did not put him to sleep . " After tea he measured Mopsa again , and found that she had grown up to a higher button . She looked much wiser too , and when he said she must be taught to read she made no objections , so he arranged daisies and buttercups into the forms of the letters , and she learnt nearly all of them that one evening , while crowds of the one - foot - one fairies looked on , hanging from the boughs and sitting in the grass , and shouting out the names of the letters as Mopsa said them . They were very polite to Jack , for they gathered all these flowers for him , and emptied them from their little caps at his feet as fast as he wanted them . days . You are so much grown , even since the morning , that you come up nearly to Jack 's shoulder . In four days you will be as tall as I am ; and it is quite impossible that any one of fairy birth should be as tall as a queen in her own country . " Now Mopsa had often played with this purse . It was lined with a nice piece of pale green silk , and when Jack gave it to her she pulled the silk out , and shook it , and patted it , and stretched it , just as the Queen had done , and it came into a most lovely cloak , which she tied round her neck . Then she twisted up her long hair into a coil , and fastened it round her head , and called to the fire - flies which were beginning to glitter on the trees to come , and they came and alighted in a row upon the coil , and turned into diamonds directly . So now Mopsa had got a crown and a robe , and she was so beautiful that Jack thought he should never be tired of looking at her ; but it was nearly dark now , and he was so sleepy and tired that he could not keep his eyes open , though he tried very hard , and he began to blink , and then he began to nod , and at last he fell fast asleep , and did not awake till the morning . Then he sat up in the boat , and looked about him . A wonderful country , indeed ! - no trees , no grass , no houses , nothing but red stones and red sand , - and Mopsa was gone . Jack jumped on shore , for the boat had stopped , and was close to the brink of the river . He looked about for some time , and at last , in the shadow of a pale brown rock , he found her ; and oh ! delightful surprise , the apple - woman was there too . She was saying , " Oh , my bones ! Dearie , dearie me , how they do ache ! " That was not surprising , for she had been out all night . She had walked beside the river with the Queen and her tribe till they came to a little tinkling stream , which divides their country from the sandy land , and there they were obliged to stop ; they could not cross it . But the apple - woman sprang over , and , though the Queen told her she must come back again in twenty - four hours , she did not appear to be displeased . Now the Guinea - hens , when they had come to listen , the day before , to the apple - woman 's song , had brought each of them a grain of maize in her beak , and had thrown it into her apron ; so when she got up she carried it with her gathered up there , and now she had been baking some delicious little cakes on a fire of dry sticks that the river had drifted down , and Mopsa had taken a honeycomb from the rock , so that they all had a very nice breakfast . And the apple - woman gave them a great deal of good advice , and told them if they wished to remain in Fairyland , and not be caught by the brown doe and her followers , they must cross over the purple mountains . " For on the other side of those peaks , " she said , " I have heard that fairies live who have the best of characters for being kind and just . I am sure they would never shut up a poor queen in a castle . " Mopsa pointed to a group of stones , and then to another group , and as Jack looked he saw that in shape they were something like people , - stone people . One stone was a little like an old man sitting on the ground with his knees up nearly to his chin . Another was like a woman with a hood on , and she seemed to be leaning her chin on her hand . Close to these stood something very much like a cradle in shape ; and beyond were stones that resembled a flock of sheep lying down on the bare sand , with something that reminded Jack of the figure of a man lying asleep near them , with his face to the ground . That was a very curious country ; all the stones reminded you of people or of animals , and the shadows that they cast were much more real like than the stones themselves . There were blocks with things that you might have mistaken for stone ropes twisted round them , but looking at the shadows , you could see distinctly that they were trees , and that what coiled round were snakes . Then there was a rocky prominence , at one side of which was something of a sitting figure , but its shadow , lying on the ground , was that of a girl witha distaff . Jack was very much surprised at all this ; Mopsa was not . She did not see , she said , that one thing was more wonderful than another . All the fairylands were wonderful , but the men - and - women world was far more so . She and Jack went about among the stones all day , and as the sun got low both the shadows and the blocks themselves became more and more like people , and if you went close you could now see features , very sweet , quiet features , but the eyes were all shut . Jack said nothing , for he thought he would see what Mopsa was going to do ; so when she got up and went towards the shape that was like a cradle he followed , and the apple - woman too . Mopsa went to the figure that sat by the cradle . It was a stone yet , but when Mopsa laid her little warm hand on its bosom it smiled . Jack now observed that the sound he had heard was something like the crying of a baby . He also heard the figure answering Mopsa . It said , " I am only a stone ! " " Father , " said the woman , rising and shaking the figure next to her by the sleeve . " Wake up ! " What looked like an old man was a real old man now , and he got up and began to gather sticks to make a fire , and to pick up the little brown stones which had been scattered about all day , but which now were berries of coffee ; the larger ones , which you might find here and there , were rasped rolls . Then the woman answered Jack , " Why not ? Why , because it 's full moon to - night at midnight , and the moment the moon is past the full your Queen , whose country you have just left , will be able to cross over the little stream , and she will want to take you and that other mortal back . She can do it , of course , if she pleases ; and we can afford you no protection , for by that time we shall be stones again . We are only people two hours out of the twenty - four . " So they walked back towards the stone - people hand - in - hand , and the apple - woman presently joined them . She was crying gently , for she knew that she must soon pass over the little stream , and part with these whom she called her dear children . Jack had often spoken to her that day about going home to her own country , but she said it was too late to think of that now , and she must end her days in the land of Faery . " You are not exactly fairies , I suppose ? " said Jack . " If you were , you could go to our country when you pleased . " " No , " said the woman ; " we are not exactly fairies ; but we shall be more like them when our punishment is over . " " We were not always kind , " answered the woman ; " and perhaps we are only kind now because we have no time , and no chance of being otherwise . I 'm sure I don 't know about that . We were powerful once , and we did a cruel deed . I must not tell you what it was . We were told that our hearts were all as cold as stones , - and I suppose they were , - and we were doomed to be stones all our lives , excepting for the two hours of twilight . There was no one to sow the crops , or water the grass , so it all failed , and the trees died , and our houses fell , and our possessions were stolen from us . " Then the woman who was hugging her little baby , and keeping it cosy and warm , began to tell Jack and Mopsa that it was time they should begin to run away to the country over the purple mountains , or else the Queen would overtake them and be very angry with them ; so , with many promises that they would mind her directions , they set off hand - in - hand to run , but before they left her they could see plainly that she was beginning to turn again into stone . However , she had given them a slice of melon with the seeds in it . It had been growing on the edge of the river , and was stone in the day - time , like everything else . " When you are tired , " she said , " eat the seeds , and they will enable you to go running on . You can put the slice into this little red pot , which has string handles to it , and you can hang it on your arm . While you have it with you it will not turn to stone , but if you lay it down it will , and then it will be useless . " So , as I said before , Jack and Mopsa set off hand - in - hand to run ; and as they ran all the things and people gradually and softly settled themselves to turn into stone again . Their cloaks and gowns left off fluttering , and hung stiffly ; and then they left off their occupations , and sat down , or laid down themselves ; and the sheep and cattle turned stiff and stone - like too , so that in a very little while all that country was nothing but red stones and red sand , just as it had been in the morning . Presently the full moon , which had been hiding behind a cloud , came out , and they saw their shadows , which fell straight before them ; so they ran on hand - in - hand very merrily till the half - moon came up , and the shadows she made them cast fell sideways . This was rather awkward , because as long as only the full moon gave them shadows , they had but to follow them , in order to go straight towards the purple mountains . Now they were not always sure which were her shadows ; and presently a crescent moon came , and still further confused them ; also the sand began to have tufts of grass in it ; and then , when they had gone a little farther there were beautiful patches of anemones , and hyacinths , and jonquils , and crown imperials , and they stopped to gather them ; and they got among some trees , and then , as they had nothing to guide them but the shadows , and these went all sorts of ways , they lost a great deal of time , and the trees became of taller growth ; but they still ran on and on till they got into a thick forest where it was quite dark , and here Mopsa began to cry , for she was tired . " If I could only begin to be a queen , " she said to Jack , " I could go wherever I pleased . I am not a fairy , and yet I am not a proper queen . Oh , what shall I do ? I cannot go any farther . " " It is only one of the air fairies , " said Mopsa . " Pretty creature ! It never did any harm , and would like to do us good if it knew how , for it knows that I shall be a queen very soon . Wisp , if you like , you may go and tell your friends and relations that we want to cross over the mountains , and if they can they may help us . " Upon this Wisp spread out his wings , and shot off again ; and Jack 's feet were so tired that he sat down , and pulled off one of his shoes , for he thought there was a stone in it . So he set the little red jar beside him , and quite forgot what the stone - woman had said , but went on shaking his shoe , and buckling it , and admiring , the glowworms round his ankle , till Mopsa said , " Darling Jack , I am so dreadfully tired ! Give me some more melon - seeds . " Then he lifted up the jar , and thought it felt very heavy ; and when he put in his hand , jar , and melon , and seeds were all turned to stone together . They were both very sorry , and they sat still for a minute or two , for they were much too tired to stir ; and then shooting - stars began to appear in all directions . The fairy bat had told his friends and relations , and they were coming . One fell at Mopsa 's feet , another in her lap ; more , more , all about , behind , before , and over them . And they spread out long , filmy wings , some of them a yard long , till Jack and Mopsa seemed to be enclosed in a perfect network of the rays of shooting - stars , and they were both a good deal frightened . Fifty or sixty shooting - stars , with black eyes that could stare , were enough , they thought , to frighten anybody . " If we had anything to sit upon , " said Mopsa , " they could carry us over the pass . " She had no sooner spoken than the largest of the bats bit off one of his own long wings , and laid it at Mopsa 's feet . It did not seem to matter much to him that he had parted with it , for he shot out another wing directly , just as a comet shoots out a ray of light sometimes , when it approaches the sun . Mopsa thanked the shooting fairy , and , taking the wing , began to stretch it , till it was large enough for her and Jack to sit upon . Then all the shooting fairies came round it , took its edges in their mouths , and began to fly away with it over the mountains . THEN ALL THE SHOOTING FAIRIES CAME ROUND IT , TOOK ITS EDGES IN THEIR MOUTHS , AND BEGAN TO FLY AWAY WITH IT OVER THE MOUNTAINS " But I saw something , " said Mopsa . " Just as the sun rose I looked down , and in the loveliest garden I ever saw , and all among trees and woods , I saw a most beautiful castle . Oh , Jack ! I am sure that castle is the place I am to live in , and now we have nothing to do but to find it . I shall soon be a queen , and there I shall reign . " " Then I shall be king there , " said Jack ; " shall I ? " " Yes , if you can , " answered Mopsa . " Of course , whatever you can do you may do . And , Jack , this is a much better fairy country than either the stony land or the other that we first came to , for this castle is a real place ! It will not melt away . There the people can work , they know how to love each other : common fairies cannot do that , I know . They can laugh and cry , and I shall teach them several things that they do not know yet . Oh ! do let us make haste and find the castle . " " I dare not tell you all that story yet , " said Mopsa ; " but , Jack , as the brown doe and all the fawns came up to greet me , and passed by turns into the sunbeam , they took their own forms , every one of them , because the spell was broken . They were to remain in the disguise of deer till a queen of alien birth should come to them against her will . I am a queen of alien birth , and did not I come against my will ? " Mopsa laughed . " That 's because you don 't know how to argue , " she replied . " Why , the thing is as plain as possible . " " I think it is a - " began the other Jack ; but the dame suddenly stopped him . " Silence , sire ! Don 't you know that what it is first called that it will be ? " So he opened his eyes wide with surprise : " Most boys say Sire to me , " he observed ; " at least they used to do when there were any boys here . However , that does not signify . Why , of course I like you , because I am so tired of being always a fawn , and you brought Mopsa to break the spell . You cannot think how disagreeable it is to have no hands , and to be all covered with hair . Now look at my hands ; I can move them and turn them everywhere , even over my head if I like . Hoofs are good for nothing in comparison ; and we could not talk . " Jack looked , and certainly Mopsa was coming , but very strangely , he thought . Mopsa , like all other fairies , was afraid to whisper a spell with her eyes open ; so a handkerchief was tied across them , and as she came on she felt her way , holding by the banisters with one hand , and with the other , between her finger and thumb , holding out the silver wand . She felt with her foot for the edge of the first stair ; and Jack heard her say , " I am much older , - ah ! so much older , now I have got my wand . I can feel sorrow too , and their sorrow weighs down my heart . " Mopsa was dressed superbly in a white satin gown , with a long , long train of crimson velvet which was glittering with diamonds ; it reached almost from one end of the great gallery to the other , and had hundreds of fairies to hold it and keep it in its place . But in her hair were no jewels , only a little crown made of daisies , and on her shoulders her robe was fastened with the little golden image of a boat . These things were to show the land she had come from and the vessel she had come in . So she felt her way down to the great hall . There the wand turned half round in the hall toward the great door , and she and Jack and the other Jack came out into the lawn in front with all the followers and train - bearers ; only the dame remained behind . Jack noticed now for the first time that , with the one exception of the boy - king , all these fairies were lady - fairies ; he also observed that Mopsa , after the manner of fairy queens , though she moved slowly and blindfold , was beginning to tell a story . This time it did not make him feel sleepy . It did not begin at the beginning : their stories never do . " And so now I have no wings . But my thoughts can go up ( Jovinian and Roxaletta could not think ) . My thoughts are instead of wings ; but they have dropped with me now , as a lark among the clods of the valley . Wand , do you bend ? Yes , I am following , wand . " And after that the bird said , ' I will come when you call me . ' I never have seen her moving overhead ; perhaps she is out of sight . Flocks of birds hover over the world , and watch it high up where the air is thin . There are zones , but those in the lowest zone are far out of sight . " And so that woman told me , - ( Wand , you bend again , and I will turn at your bending ) , - that woman told me how it was : for when the new king was born , a black fairy with a smiling face came and sat within the doorway . She had a spindle , and would always spin . She wanted to teach them how to spin , but they did not like her , and they loved to do nothing at all . So they turned her out . " But after her came a brown fairy , with a grave face , and she sat on the black fairy 's stool and gave them much counsel . They liked that still less ; so they got spindles and spun , for they said , ' She will go now , and we shall have the black fairy again . ' When she did not go they turned her out also , and after her came a white fairy , and sat in the same seat . She did nothing at all , and she said nothing at all ; but she had a sorrowful face , and she looked up . So they were displeased . They turned her out also ; and she went and sat by the edge of the lake with her two sisters . " And as they were going to pour in the last sackful , there passed a poor mortal beggar , who had strayed in from the men and women 's world , and she said , ' Pray give me some of that wheat , O fairy people ! for I am hungry . I have lost my way , and there is no money to he earned here . Give me some of that wheat , that I may bake cakes , lest I and my baby should starve . ' the message , she said , " That is well . Cannot you let things alone for this one day ? " The fairy then spoke to Mopsa , but she would not listen ; she made a gesture of dislike and moved away . So then this strange fairy turned and went out again , but on the door - step she looked round , and beckoned to Jack to come to her . So he did ; and then , as they two stood together outside , she made him understand what she had said . It was this : to go . Mopsa did not need him , she had so many people to take care of her ; and then there was that boy , so exactly like himself that she would not miss him . Oh how sorrowful it all was ! Had he really come up the fairy river , and seen those strange countries , and run away with Mopsa over those dangerous mountains , only to bring her to the very place she wished to fly from , and there to leave her , knowing that she wanted him no more , and that she was quite content ? No ; Jack felt that he could not do that . " I will stay , " he said ; " they cannot make me leave her . That would be too unkind . " went up the steps and into the great hall : and while Jack gazed at her as she entered , and would fain have followed , but could not stir , the great doors closed together again , and he was left outside . Then he knew , without having been told , that he should never enter them any more . He stood gazing at the castle ; but it was still , - no more fairy music sounded . They were up to his ankles , they were presently up to his waist ; soon they were as high as his head . He drew back that he might see over them ; they sprang up faster as he retired , and again he went back . It seemed to him that the castle also receded ; His father and mother were sitting there . Jack was delighted to see them , but he did not say a word , and he wondered whether they would be surprised at his having stayed away so long . The bird had said that they would not . He drew a little nearer . His mother sat with her back to the open window , but a candle was burning , and she was reading aloud . Jack listened as she read , and knew that this was not in the least like anything that he had seen in Fairyland , nor the reading like anything that he had heard , and he began to forget the boy - king , and the apple - woman , and even little Mopsa , more and more . At last his father noticed him . He did not look at all surprised , but just beckoned to him with his finger to come in . So Jack did , and got upon his father 's knee , where he curled himself up comfortably , laid his head on his father 's waistcoat , and wondered what he would think if he should be told about the fairies in somebody else 's waistcoat pocket . He thought , besides , what a great thing a man was ; he had never seen anything so large in Fairyland , nor so important ; so , on the whole , he was glad he had come back , and felt very comfortable . Then his mother , turning over the leaf , lifted up her eyes and looked at Jack , but not as if she was in the least surprised , or more glad to see him than usual ; but she smoothed the leaf with her hand , and began again to read , and this time it was about the Shepherd Lady : -

" As a house painter , he 's the next best thing to Michaelangelo " Frank persuaded me . " You know , the Sistine Chapel and all that . " By the way he was searching my eyes for doubt and the slight hesitation he had before he started his sentence with bravado , I knew there should be doubt , and there were questions that begged for answers , and for stories to tell . He barreled on , " He 's had drug and alcohol problems but he 's fine now . He works for us , paints the hotel rooms at this hotel , paints the other hotel rooms and sometimes he goes out and does people 's houses . He 's really good . " I sat , alert , watching all sides of my vehicle , through the rear view mirror , the side mirrors and then , craning my neck from side to side . The parking lot of the East Side hotel was no place for a middle class bourgeois lady to be hanging out , waiting . The wait seemed forever as I observed a tottering , thin young woman , deeply bronzed by the outdoor sun , stagger across the lot about a hundred feet away by the sidewalk on Abbott Street . She was carrying a big parcel tied with string that caused her to limp . Or maybe it was the five inch heels that seemed to operate separate from the body that was wearing them . Up against the chain link fence by the stairwell to the parking , a huddled mass of rags moved beside a sleeping bag and a homeless man emerged then sunk back into his stupor . What on earth was I doing here ! Why did I let myself get persuaded into these things ! I had gotten distracted in my concentration on the perilous high heels and nearly jumped out of my skin when a toothless face came leering right up to the driver 's window , lips close to the thin space between the top of the car window and the door frame . " Are you Frank 's wife ? " he said . " I 'm Charlie , the painter . " His hair stood out in straight black clumps underneath his baseball cap somewhat like a scarecrow and his dark eyes seemed to have no pupils . The eyes didn 't coordinate , so he looked as if one was made of glass , but it moved in its own direction . He looked drugged . He wore a red plaid logger 's shirt , a bright royal blue T - shirt and a pair of too - large jeans that he hitched in a nervous manner as he awaited my answer . " Yes . I 'm Mrs . Frank " , I said with all the calm I could muster . I made a quick look around me and saw Frank only five feet away . It must be alright . Frank would not have me harmed . Despite the fact that we had had a falling out just three days before which ended in Frank asking me for a divorce , he had promised to help me with finding a painter . Before he left me after our quarrel , he had said , " I keep my promises . I 'll still set you up with your painter . I won 't cause you any trouble . " It was only seconds between the time Charlie had introduced himself and Frank was at my car door . I unlocked the four doors with the automatic switch and Charlie began to get in on the passenger 's side as I was getting out driver 's side . I wasn 't so sure I wanted to do this . He stopped mid - motion and scissored back up again , out of the car . I swivelled to see Charlie , " I thought we could just talk about what has been said so far . Frank , what have you told Charlie he needs to do ? How much am I paying him and how ? Does Charlie know what he is supposed to do ? " I was desperately trying to get a feel for this situation and trying to buy time . " You pick up Charlie and take him to the apartment . Show him what needs to be done . Charlie will tell you how much and what kind of paint you need . You drive him to the paint store . You pay for it . Take Charlie back out to the apartment and you can leave him there and go do something else . He gets fifteen dollars and hour . He 's worth it . Then you pick him up at the end of the day and bring him back here . Give him twenty dollars for his lunch and cigarettes each day and no more . You pay him at the end of the work , not a cent before . Do you understand me ? " He nodded . " ' sOK with me , " he said . His eyes were open wide , somewhat like those of a deer caught in headlights , not knowing whether he should flee or stay . I felt the same and hoped it didn 't show . " Alright , let 's go , " I said . Charlie got back in the car . I had made my decision . I had only three days to get the apartment painted before I would be engaged in a work assignment . I was under the gun . I had to get it done now . Where could I find another painter in this hot job market ? Impossible ! I 'd have to take my chances . I wondered if Charlie had heard the resignation in my voice . Whatever he could get done until something went awry would be that much gained . Worse came to the worst , I could finish off my self . I prefer the picture kind of painting , but I 've done lots of the other kind myself . It 's just that I 'm getting too old for this . I started up a conversation to put Charlie at his ease while I mentally took stock of this person sitting beside me . I could have sworn I had seen Charlie standing over another native , mid day , just outside the liquor store on Alberni street , beside where I worked about eight years ago . The other one was lying in a stupor , his pants down , his rear end exposed for everyone to see , and this one , Charlie , standing beside him , hopping from foot to foot , concerned for his mate , not knowing what to do . It was the eyes that I remembered , and the hair . And here was this man in my car . I struggled with my prejudices , tried to be fair and open minded . He was clean , at least . Clean , crisp T - shirt . Paint spattered shoes . The loggers jacket was clean , had holes in it and a button missing . His baseball hat was really a painter 's cap . " Of course , " I thought , " to keep the paint out of his hair . " Once , at one of the downtown coffee houses , when I tried to buy a beggar a cup of coffee , the owner came out from behind the counter and drove the beggar off . He gave me a lecture that I 'd never forget . What would I do or say if that happened ? I 'd made my choice to hire him . I 'd defend that choice , I thought , with an ounce of hesitation . " This is my painter . Leave him alone ? " I might say . " Yes , he is . " I replied quite assertively . " But Frank just asked me for a divorce so I don 't really want to talk about him . " I had to nip that in the bud . It was bad enough that I had a third level conversation going on in my mind every minute that it wasn 't engaged elsewhere , trying to sort out what had happened with me and Frank three days ago . " Well , you 're too good for him . I can see that now . Never you mind . He 's just angry . He 'll be back , " he started to console me . Chopin 's Etudes were playing on the car disc player and switched automatically to some jazz music as we drove . He jiggled a bit and asked nervously , " Can we go back to that last music ? I like the classical music . " My estimation went up a notch and I poked the disc button until we returned to Chopin . He grinned with a childlike pleasure and settled in to listen . He poked a finger at the car radio controls and said , " That just sounds like moving water ! It 's amazing , isn 't it ? I go to concerts sometimes . I really like classical music . " I noted that Charlie was a good listener and he could add good bits to the conversation . I used big words , almost as if testing him , and he understood them , used them himself . He knew enough to edit all the swear words out . He was being respectful of me . He told me about his family , a sister that was a doctor - a psychologist - and a brother who was a store owner . They had both done very well . It was just him who had fallen . The black sheep . He said , " No , No , I 'd like to hear the details . My mother is ninety three and she won 't last long now . I want to go back to Winnipeg to see her with the money that I get from this job . I 'm going to go next week " He acknowledged everything I said and complimented me where he thought I had been kind or generous or capable . I opened up and said more than I should have . I could hear my mother saying , " Never tell anyone anything about yourself . It will only cause you difficulty . And I could hear her shock that I would be talking about her to this man who looked like a black - haired scarecrow " When finally we found a Starbucks location where we could easily stop to pick up a decent coffee , we had become quite comfortable in our conversation . I parked and we both went in . We ordered our coffees and I watched the server , a young fresh looking girl of about twenty . She didn 't lift an eyebrow , nor did her assistant . We took our coffees , fixed them and went on our way . As we inspected the premises to see what needed to be done , he proposed more work than I had anticipated , but his judgment was good and I accepted his ideas . He could also repair the balcony railing that had rotted , he said . That was a plus . I wouldn 't need to call another workman for the carpentry work . He said he would kill the mold around the bathtub and caulk it again . He suggested a coating on the balcony floor that would make it all look fresh . As we walked through , I noticed that the nervous hitching of his jeans was in fact a necessity . His pants slipped dangerously down the crack in his back and then he 'd hitch them up again . I laughed quietly to myself , thinking of how he had not abandoned his drunken friend many years ago , where many might have . We were walking through the mega hardware store later that afternoon looking for what we needed . I was getting embarrassed . I had tolerance for his undisciplined eyes and for his shaggy appearance , but not for falling clothes . " Charlie , " I said , " you 'll have to keep those pants up . " " I 'll have to wear a belt tomorrow , " he said , without discomfort . " I forgot my belt . " I wondered if he even had one or if I would need to supply one as part of payment . We collected our painting supplies from a store where he had access to a thirty percent discount and passed it along to me . He phoned and asked permission to use it for this job and he got it . I found his behavior towards his sometime employers respectful in a gentle kind of way . I worked with him all the afternoon on prep work , filling holes with Spackle , sanding , taking light switch plates off and electrical plug covers . I soaked these plastic cover plates in TSP at his request and found that all the previous spots of paint overspill came off easily . He showed me how to cut in the edges , to sand and refill the patching , to do long strokes on the balcony railing . He was a patient and kind teacher . Later in the afternoon , I took him to MacDonald 's for lunch . As we approached the driveway , he said , " Do you want to just drive through . We don 't have to go in . " I wondered . Was he trying to say I might not want to sit with him ? I was getting rather fond of him , his gentle aspirations , his nostalgic descriptions of his family and his chirruping positive attitude . " Nope , " I said firmly . " We are going in . We 've worked pretty hard all morning and afternoon and we deserve a break . " His face relaxed and he smiled like a child . He chose a healthy meal and ate the whole thing with relish . He was hungry . No sooner than he finished , though , he said it was time to go , as if I was being a lazy employee dragging my feet . " Who 's working for whom ? " I thought . In the morning , I saw Frank in the distance . He didn 't come near the car . Charlie was on time , waiting with his bundle of tools and rags . Frank approached him some distance away from me and then Frank turned and went away . " Oh , I 've hurt him . I didn 't mean to , but it couldn 't be helped " I said . " I can 't do what he is asking me to do . He 's been very good to me ; helped me a lot . But when he gets angry , he gets in a rage . This time I don 't know if he will get over it . Really he is mad at himself because he imagined how things could be and we never talked about it . He 's done all kinds of things for me with expectations that I would change and I can 't . So now he 's beating himself up . His hopes have been dashed . " " I 'm sorry . I didn 't mean to pry , " he said rather meekly , and I said it was alright , not to worry . Our conversation changed comfortably to other things . The ants were scrambling at the disturbance and exposure to the air . The ant emergency team scrambled into action , picking up the white egg casings and scurried off with them . Charlie pointed to a larger ant and said " The Queen " as if he had been announcing the Queen of England , and we watched her nervously observing her emergency team . Charlie flung the rotted wood into the garden below and started to measure up the space to calculate the amount of wood he needed . The show was over . Later in the afternoon , all the ants had gone elsewhere , probably out looking for their queen . I only saw two others and each was carrying another ant in its mandibles . Were these the last ones ? Sauve qui peut ! Women and children first , then the men , then mobility impaired , handicapped or sick bay ants waiting until the last ? How do they communicate ? I wondered . Had they already worked out muster stations ? Did the queen emit some kind of sound that would rally her troops around her , even though her nest was thrown quite far away and all had been exposed , damaged and disrupted ? Was this like a human 's earthquake response ? An ant 's version of fire drill finally put to good purpose ? We continued on with our tasks . He fixed the railing , I watched him measure without having a ruler . He used another length of wood and a pencil mark . He mitered the first corner where the balcony railing jig jagged , and it fit perfectly . But when he measured the second one , he cut it square and I lifted my eyebrows at that . He saw my expression and made an excuse that he was saving time and therefore money for me . He could do it the other way , but it would also take more wood . " I have it . I could do it again , but … " I was in too much of a hurry . I needed this work to be done . I compromised and said , " Never mind , just leave it . It was true . No one was going to notice it once it was caulked , sanded and painted . About one o ' clock , I asked him if he liked pizza . He did , so I went out to get one . We had lost too much time the day before by the coming and going , and I wasn 't being very productive . I wanted to keep him going . I had deadlines . " Just use the melamine latex as an undercoat . It 's tough and has a good binder , " he advised . It was bright pure orange yellow and I hoped that nobody would notice the work in progress with its blatant colour . We really weren 't supposed to be doing repairs to the structure , but I hadn 't been able to get the Strata Council to even look at the problem in ten months . The place had to look good for potential buyers . I couldn 't leave this blight on the balcony . Besides , I knew what was required for decent repairs . They 'd be that much further ahead . By the time we had finished , they wouldn 't even know where the repair had been made . By end of day , I had given the balcony railing a second coat . It looked really skookum . I 'd also been tasked varnishing the woodwork on the fireplace which Charlie had sanded until it looked brand new . He set me to cutting in the corners and the edges on the kitchen and bathroom . It was another ten hour day and we were tired at the end of it . On the way home , I mentioned to Charlie that I had an obligation the next morning to travel out to my new home with my brother - in - law . He had come to Burnaby to help me move some of my things out to my new home in the Fraser Valley and I would pick Charlie up at 12 : 30 . I also reminded him that on Thursday , I 'd have to pick him up early and take him out to the apartment because I had major dental work being done . I couldn 't change it . If it weren 't me picking him up , it would be my brother in law . I 'd mentioned this to him before and he had reacted in a way that I thought slightly curious . He had said , " I 'm so glad that you said that . I , too , have a medical appointment and I didn 't know how to tell you . " It had sounded stilted . I wondered at the convenience of his answer . Did he really have one ? But it didn 't really matter , I supposed . So on Wednesday , I drove with my sister and brother - in - law out to my new home with a load of plants from their garden and whatever goods we could pack in around them . My brother - in - law would come out to put up shelving for me in the basement on his own , the next day . We took a nice tour through the house ; I got approval from them both that it was a good purchase ; and we headed back home , not tarrying , so that I could pick up Charlie at the appointed hour . We were at the Kensington off - ramp when my cell phone rang . To my surprise , it was Charlie . He must have asked Frank for my number . " But you have to phone me so that I can tell you when I 'm picking you up . I need to make arrangements because of the dentist . You have my number . Call me at six and I 'll tell you what time I 'm coming . It has to be early , " I said before he hung up . In the evening I ate dinner with the family . Charlie did not call . I stewed about how little progress I had made . Although I had told them something about my venture into the Downtown Eastside for a painter , I hadn 't told all . I was worried that Charlie would take off and get drunk or get drugs . I couldn 't judge . I inferred from Frank 's caution about giving him money that he could be unreliable . What if Charlie had told friends that he had this big painting job and he would have money by the end of the week . Would they loan him money ? Would he get drunk and not come back ? I couldn 't afford to wait on this painting job . I decided to go back out to the apartment to do more painting . Some progress , any progress was essential to my emotional well being . Ron , my nephew , had listened to all my worrying and offered to come out with me . He had often made pin money in his high school days by helping people paint their apartments and homes . He was a wonderful help , but he 'd already put in a ten hour work day at his masonry job . We did an hour 's worth and went back home . Thursday was a write off . I still had not heard from Charlie and so I simply didn 't go . I saw a friend from work over coffee for a half hour before I went to the dentist and once the dental work was over , I came home and crashed . I 'd been pushing too hard . I needed the rest . Besides , Heather was there , and I needed to spend a bit of time with her . But I continued to worry . " Fine , except he was supposed to call me about the time I was supposed to collect him , and he didn 't , so I didn 't pick him up . I 've got to get that painting done . " I stated in a voice that was somewhat indicative of my growing panic . " Charlie suggested extra work and he was right . I got him to do the ceilings , and he fixed the woodwork on the balcony for me . He 's working hard - when he 's there " , I said . The phone passed to Charlie without a goodbye to Frank . I was grateful . I wondered if Frank was thawing . He 'd been civil . It was too hard to tell . On Friday , I got a call from Charlie asking if I could pick him up at nine thirty instead . I sighed and said yes . Frank came on the phone . " Charlie is working on the desk . It 's legitimate . And don 't pay him more than twenty in cash per day or you won 't see him back . " He hung up without a good bye . I picked up Charlie at nine thirty . On the way out to the apartment , Charlie confessed that he 'd had to watch the front desk all night . Sometimes there were fights in the hotel or people coming in to shoot up . There had to be someone to keep them out . It had been his turn last night , and he earned a little towards his rent . " No you have to stay alert the whole time . There are TV cameras , but you 've got to be awake if someone rough comes in . It 's not a good place at night . " No but I can 't paint anymore today . I 'm getting tired . I 'll come tomorrow . You just name the time . Whatever time it takes , I 'll finish it , but tomorrow . " This was July , just after the holiday weekend . The days were the longest days of the year . Sun set after 9 p . m . The sky was fiery orange when we went home . I nevertheless insisted that he finish painting . I was afraid that I couldn 't get him back again . He was painting the last two bedrooms in the gloom , since the bedrooms had no overhead lights and there was only the ambient light on the east side of the building . I drove him home , chatting to keep myself awake . He apologized but he reiterated how tired he was . " I 've been up for over thirty six hours , " he explained as he then started to calculate that he 'd been up at eight the day before and then had worked all night ; I 'd picked him up at nine thirty . What kind of slave driver was I , anyway ? He 'd told me in the morning about his night work . By evening , I had forgotten . He had certainly put in a full day and he had worked hard all the time I was there . Poor guy . I dropped him at his lodgings and made my own way home . Dusk was settling into the streets . I wished that I had my camera handy to photograph it , but it wasn 't at hand . I began to fall asleep at the wheel . Twice when I stopped at a red light , I jerked awake and realized I 'd dozed off . That was bad . Very bad . I shook my head vigourously from side to side . I had to get home . In the morning , I realized that I hadn 't set a time with Charlie . I said to Heather , I 'm going to pick him up anyway . We 've got to finish this . " I don 't know . I 'll ask for him at the front desk , I guess , and see if I can get him . I have to show the apartment to the Realtor on Monday . It absolutely has to be done . It was early Sunday morning . The yellow glow was coming from the east now , moving through a morning smog or sea mist . I parked the car in front of the hotel in the loading zone . I was nervous to leave the car . He looked askance at me . Even in my old painting clothes , I looked too rich to be in this hotel . Anyone but the druggies , the winos and the permanent denizens of the Downtown Eastside looked too rich . I felt like a sitting duck . I looked at the two swinging doors at the landing in front of me , about four steps up from the lobby entrance . There were two doors . One said " Employees only " and the other " Hotel guests only " in bright red , badly hand painted letters . They might as well have been marked " Hell " and " Worser Hell " . I looked a at the dirt and the raw plywood walls that had been repaired many times over with an added layer of plywood nailed on to hid a hole kicked into the wall . Nothing had been painted . Ever . I went up the four steps and gingerly touched the handle , and pulled . The steps on the other side of the " Guests " door were covered with a treaded ancient linoleum . Every groove was caked with dirt . It seemed as if everything was contaminated . The air was dead , unmoving . I put one foot before the other , climbing this antechamber to hell . And found 117 the third door to the right . I knocked . " I 'll be there in five minutes " he said . " You go outside . Ill get dressed in no time . Wait for me on the sidewalk . Don 't stay in here . " It was a warning . I retraced my path and walked out past the desk man without saying a word . I went to the car and got in , locked all the doors and rolled down the window two inches on the driver 's side . It was going to be another hot day . There were only two cars parked on whole block , both sides . Mine was one of them . I watched as a thin woman stumbled along the deserted street carrying a Holt Renfrew bag . Her five inch heels were not helping her . She stopped near a metal pipe railing covered with chicken wire fencing and leaned over it as if to retch . Coming from the other direction was a man with a swagger . He wasn 't on drugs . He was too physically with it , too rounded and healthy looking . A pimp ? I saw Charlie come out of the hotel with a doughnut in his hand , chewing on it , carrying the few things that he thought he needed to finish the painting with . He didn 't see me and walked in the wrong direction . I got out of the car , staying on the traffic side of the road called and waved at him . On his way back to my car , he stopped beside the wretched girl and spoke with her . As he got into the car he said , " That poor girl . She was very unhappy . She was crying . I don 't know what the matter was , but she was sure upset . " I drove away from the curb and he said rather quickly , " Could you please take me to pick up my medication ? It 's only two blocks away . " He sounded doubtful and charming at the same time . Medication , I thought . What kind of medication ? What kind of place is open this early in the morning to dispense medication on a Sunday , yet ? I reluctantly consented . He navigated . " Turn here . Go down one block . Park anywhere here . " It was a street I had never been on even though I was quite familiar with the Vancouver streets . The shops were small and neglected . Every one of them had cheap metal bars protecting the plate glass windows and the entry doors . There were multiple locks going up the door jamb . Men were hanging about , all of them with odd walks , long scraggly hair , unkempt clothing that had likely been slept in not only last night , but maybe for a month or more . " Charlie leapt from the car , promising to be only a minute or so . I saw him stop at the doorway and take a white packet from the man sitting there . I looked at the sign above the door and the one across the transom above the plate glass window . It said " Pharmacy " in badly drawn hand lettering . I watched as he approached the counter and waited there . What on earth was I doing here ? How stupid was this , sitting in a Lexus in the poorest part of town , the most crime ridden ? What had Charlie bought at the front door ? Was he still on drugs ? What if he had bought drugs ? What would I do ? When did my foolishness draw a limit on this , where angels feared to tread ? My adrenaline was pumping big time , my heart was pounding a retreat if my body wasn 't . It was a one way street and I was parked on the left side of it , the driver 's window closest to the curb just beside the entrance . The window was still down about two inches and the heat was accumulating in the car . I dared not open it further . One of the denizens came up to my window , a tall man who stooped and walked with a drug addict 's crazy gait , his hair long and white down his back and his beard caught up with an elastic at his chin . I was still waiting , adrenaline still racing , as a woman missing several front teeth brought her face up to the window opening , saying , " Spare change ? " as she leered a grinny tooth at me . I had seen her coming and simply waved my index finger back and forth at her . She kept straight on her way . She was used to rejection on this topic and loped away without much hesitation in her When Charlie got back in the car the first thing he said was , " That man at the door ? He sells cigarettes separately , three at a time He makes a little bit of money at it and it 's a convenience for us . " He opened his fist and showed me the three cigarettes . " It 's a methadone clinic . They won 't give us the medicine to administer ourselves . We have to go in on specific days and get our doses . I used to use heroin , but it finally got to me . I tried to quit on my own , but I couldn 't , so I 've been doing this and it 's working . The dose I 'm on is so small now . I 'm just about finished the treatment . " He held up his hand , thumb and index finger almost touching , in that gesture that indicated " really , really small " . Of course I worried about his dose of methadone upsetting his day . Then figured if he had not had it , it might have been worse . He was chirrupy as usual and he chattered on his way out to the apartment . I laughed inwardly . He was barely five foot six , walked with a limp or an awkward gait , at least ; was skinny as could be . My protector ! On the other hand , I 'd seen him roll paint on the ceiling above his head , and all along the wall in long continuous strokes , hour after hour , at a pace that would have made you and me drop . H ecould do it and never even registered a sign of fatigue . He must have a vice grip , if you shook his hand , and a mightily strong arm . We drove out to the apartment , picking up a coffee on the way . He was desperate for a smoke and the car lighter didn 't work . We stopped at Shoppers Drug Mart to pick up matches . I waited rather impatiently in the car . " See this ! " he laughed . He 'd been given a receipt for three cents . Despite having been " finished " the night before , we worked until two . We packed up the deserted pieces of ant - riddled wood rot into large green garbage bags along with the short pieces of left over lumber . I swept the balcony floor and picked up the debris . He painted the balcony floor . It looked absolutely fabulous . The difference was like night and day . He checked the trim , painted the bathroom when we arrived and a second coat before we left . He checked his previous day 's work that he 'd done in the gloom of evening without being able to see what he was doing . They were just fine . We packed up all the empty paint pots in another green plastic bag . We cleaned the tools , this time very thoroughly . We divided out two piles of tools - his and hers . Just before we left , I said , " I 'd better pay you here . It wouldn 't do to pay you at MacDonald 's nor in the car in front of your hotel . We counted up the hours and he was content . I 'd added in all the driving time , the lunch hours , the going to get materials time . He was happy like a child . He stuffed the banknotes in his pocket and said with a bit of glee , " Now I 'm taking you out for lunch ! " When we had finally locked the apartment door and all the materials and tools were tucked in the trunk of the car , we headed back to MacDonald 's . I wasn 't too hungry and had a tall orange juice and an ice cream cone . He wasn 't either . He asked for a sandwich and wrapped most of it up to take with him . For his dinner , he said . She had brought along a few items to help show the apartment - a large candle which she perched on the woodwork above the fireplace . She had a few fancy soaps that she left in a dish by the bathroom vanity sink . She had towels for the towel holders , a pair of oven mitts for the kitchen counter . It was as she was checking out the cleanliness of the drawers that she found a wallet . It was a thin black wallet and seemed to have nothing in it . I peered in the compartments to see what it contained . There was Charlie 's interim driver 's license , a yellow folded piece of paper . A nickel , a quarter and a penny were tucked into to a secret compartment . Given the part of town he came from , perhaps he wasn 't a stickler for rules , but he ought not to drive without his permit . I couldn 't mail it to him . I didn 't think I could leave it with the desk man ; I wouldn 't trust him to give it to Charlie . I phoned Frank and asked him what to do . The conversation was more than brief . " Give it to the Wine and Beer store people . Don 't give it to the man at the hotel reception . Good bye . " I had had it , to the gills , going down to that scruffy part of town . I didn 't feel safe . I was having dinner with my six foot four nephew that night and asked him to accompany me down to give this wallet back to Charlie . My nephew is a lumbering big guy , but he wouldn 't and couldn 't hurt a fly . His protection was in presence only . The day had been hot , thirty degrees Celsius , at least . It was late day and the sun was already at the horizon . A warm yellow haze had enveloped the city in a pleasant kind of glare . It would be a perfect night for walking on the beach . I didn 't know if I would find Charlie still . Once again , I asked myself why I bothered . But Charlie had been perfectly respectful , charming even , and I 'd pushed him hard to get the work done . It would be disrespectful of me , not to return the wallet to him . " Oh Charlie , " I sympathized with him , " it 's such a long way . Why don 't you fly ? It 'll cost you about the same . " " No . " he said . He was going to go by bus . It was what he was most familiar with . He liked the bus and the people on it . I wondered if he had ever flown or if making the arrangements and going to the airport were too difficult for him , logistically . " Charlie ! I said , and my face lit up with a smile . He couldn 't help but know I was glad to see him . He had a bag in his hand that looked like a fancy shopping bag and my eyes gravitated to it involuntarily and back to Charlie 's face . In that nanosecond I had registered that it was full of bottles of hard liquor . " It doesn 't matter , Charlie . How are you ? This is my nephew who I told you about . He 's going back to school to get his Masters degree . " Hugh was smiling too , but I could tell he was nervous . I don 't think he had ever met someone who had been a street person . He was out of his element and feeling it . Two weeks later , I saw Frank . I had to pick up some stuff I 'd left at his place and return a few things to him . On the night we had seen Charlie , I had forgotten to bring his caulking gun that he 'd left behind for me . I 'm mechanically challenged . I never figured out how to use it , or my hands were too weak to operate it . It still had the full tube of caulking in it . suburbanlife Says : September 18 , 2007 at 4 : 47 am | Reply Charlie is a chamelion - he became who he thought you might accept him as while he was with you , but during the telling of this tale you reveal how hard a role this was for him to play and how he worked to maintain it throughout his dealings with you . … sad , this life … G

Jack put an arm out and moved Clarice away from her father . He had a number of reasons he didn 't want to be too close to Damien , but the obvious one was he was afraid of him . " We just want you to stop sending your daughters back in time . That 's all ! Why can 't you do that ? " Jack pleaded . " You can be poor if you want . I don 't want to be . " " Then why don 't you go back yourself ? " Jack asked . " Why do you send your daughters back ? If it 's so important for you to be rich , then you go back and get sick ! " " I 'll send them back whenever I feel like it . And I 'll send them back again as soon as I get rid of you , " Damien said , walking toward Jack . " I 'm done talking with you . " Jack nodded . " I 'm done talking to you , too . " Jack stared past Damien 's shoulder and shook his head sadly . Damien spun around , thinking Clarice was sneaking up on him . Jeb Guthrie stood directly behind Damien . He tossed the second Doorway on top of the first one . " Time to go , big guy , " Jeb said . He flashed Jack a sad smile with his bright , white teeth , then griped Damien in a bear hug . And just like that , they were gone . Clarice stared at Jack from behind the Christmas tree , her eyes wet and shining in the glow from the Christmas lights . " Where did they go ? " Jack opened up the 25th and last door on the Doorway . He pulled out a folded piece of paper . He unfolded it and flattened it out , revealing a brightly colored illustration of a fantastical alien world . " Utopia , " Jack said . * * * * * Clarice had been in state of shock . Or maybe she was just tired - it was almost one in the morning , after all . Either way , Jack sent her to go sleep with her sisters . Told her that he 'd be there in the morning and they could discuss , well , the future . She stumbled off to bed and Jack turned back to the Doorways . He had one more trip to make . * * * * * Clarice woke up , squinting in the bright sunlight . She heard Emma and Nat laughing , but they weren 't in the bed . She wandered into the kitchen and found her sisters on the floor , wrapping paper and ribbon scattered around them , playing with new dolls . Posted by Jack bounced out from behind the Christmas tree and jumped onto his Grandson 's back . He kicked out at the Doorway , hoping to dislodge it , but Damien was too strong . Jack yelled at Clarice to help him , but she cowered behind the tree . Their carefully rehearsed plan was breaking apart already . As Damien swung Jack around , trying to fling him off his back , Jack caught a glimpse of Clarice . She was terrified . Her father still intimidated her to a state of fear ; even after all he had put her through . Damien grunted in frustration and ran backwards , slamming Jack into the wall . Jack was dazed , but held on . Damien slammed him into the wall again . And again . Jack lost his grip around Damien 's neck and slumped down the wall , with his body splayed against the floor and his head wedged at a painful angle against the wall . " I told you to stay in your own time , " Damien said . " Why didn 't you listen to me ? You could have ruined everything ! " " You 're making them sick , " Jack said , rubbing the back of his head . " They 're your own daughters . " Clarice hid on the other side of the tree , searching by her feet to find something to throw at her father . She knew Jack would never be able to handle Damien on his own . And she had already let Jack down once . " We would have been done by now if it wasn 't for you , " Damien screamed . " It 's your fault they 're still having to travel ! " Jack stood up and faced off against his grandson . Jack was about a foot shorter and 100 pounds lighter , but he walked directly in front of Damien . " You can lie to yourself , but I know you better than that , " Jack said . " You 'll never be satisfied with what you have . You 're too greedy . You 'll just keep sending them until they 're too sick to travel . Or until they 're dead . " " No . He won 't , " Clarice said . She reared back and threw an antique snow globe from the mantle beside the Christmas tree . It was heavy ; made with a metal base and a real glass globe . The snow globe smashed into her father 's wrist and Damien dropped tPosted by " Well , how many chances do you want to give him ? " Jack asked . " It seems like he 's already had plenty of opportunities to stop . " " I know , " Clarice said . " Has he stopped sending Nat and Emma back since I was here ? " " No . " Jack held his hands up . He wasn 't going to decide for her , but he sure wasn 't going to defend Damien either . Clarice and Jack were sitting side by side on the floor of her bedroom , leaning against a wall . They both kept a watch on the closed bedroom door , afraid that Damien might somehow sense that Jack was there , but the apartment was dark and quiet . They had been talking for nearly an hour , going over different thoughts , different ideas and plans , different ways to stop Damien from hurting Nat and Emma . There were no good choices . And there were definitely no easy choices . " He 's made the decision for us , " Jack said softly . " He chose money over being a father . And not just once - he 's done it over and over again . " " I know . " " Emma and Nat can 't stop him . They can 't stand up to him . We have to stand up to him . " Clarice put her face in her hands , crying softly . " It can 't wait until next December , " Jack said . " Damien might try to move you guys , or hide you , or something worse . " " You can say it , Jack , " Clarice said . " We can 't wait until next year because I might not be around , right ? " Jack smiled sadly . " We 'll figure something out . " Clarice shook her head . " No , you 're right . But we have to give him one more chance . " Jack nodded . " One last chance . " * * * * * Clarice and Jack stood outside her apartment building . They were both in shorts and t - shirts , but it was still sticky - hot and miserable , even though it was just after two in the morning . " I 've got to do a couple things , to make sure we 're ready , " Jack said . " You just rest up . When I get back , we 'll do it just like we planned . And we can be done with this . Once and for all . " " When will you be back ? " " Christmas Eve , " Jack said . " Just before midnight . " " Hi , Mary , " Jack said . " Do you remember me ? My name - " " Did you find Jeb ? " Mary asked . Jack nodded . " Yeah , I found - " " Get in here . You 're letting all the warm air out . " * * * * * Jack sat across from Mary , warming his hands on a cup of coffee . He hadn 't taken a drink yet and had no plans to do so . Mary hung her head across from him . She looked to be in physical pain . " I don 't want to ask about him . I don 't want to know , " Mary said . " If I was younger . Stronger . I 'd just tell you to go back out the door and go to my grave mad . But I ain 't young . I 'm old . " Jack didn 't know how to respond to that . " Did he say he was sorry ? " Mary asked . " Yes , he did . " " What happened to Matthew ? " Jack shrugged . " It 's hard to explain - " " Don 't act like I 'm some idiot , " Mary said . " Were they traveling through time ? " " Yes . " " Matt killed himself by doing something stupid , didn 't he ? " Mary didn 't wait for an answer . " He never thought about the consequences of the things he did . Neither of them did . " Jack stared into his coffee cup . The surface of the coffee vibrated in his hands , sending tiny waves back and forth across the cup , crashing into each other , merging and fanning out in other directions . " I hated both of them , " Mary said . " I hated them for excluding me from what they were doing . I hated them for treating me like a little girl . I hated Matt for dying - hated him for leaving me alone . " " They didn 't know , " Jack said . " But you know , don 't you ? Did you throw that damn calendar away ? " " Not yet , " Jack said . " There are some other people in trouble because of the calendar , the Doorway . Three girls . " " Tell me , " Mary said . " Your Mom thinks you 're a cutter , " Dr . Colden said . " Are you a cutter ? " " Of course not , " Jack said . " Janet 's watching too many Lifetime movies during the day . She needs to get a job . " Dr . Colden nodded . " Probably . I told her most cutters are depressed young women , not boys . Boys usually get their self - harm kicks in other ways . Like beating their head against a wall or something . " Dr . Colden pulled a stitch tight on Jack 's forehead . " Ouch ! " " Sorry about that , " Dr . Colden said . " So . . . are you depressed ? " " Yes . " " More so than usual ? " " No . " " I figured . " Dr . Colden was Jack 's family doctor . As far as Jack could remember , he had never seen another doctor in his life . Dr . Colden was probably in his forties , although he had hair that was much too long for a doctor and looked about 25 . Dr . Colden was clearly the smartest adult Jack had ever known , yet Jack found it easy to talk to him . " I told Janet , you know , your Mother , that most cutters make small , quick cuts with razor blades anyway , " Dr . Colden said , continuing to stitch up Jack 's forehead . " Not like this huge six - inch gash you 've got on your arm . Tell me one more time how that happened . " " I was running and looking behind me , not paying attention to where I was going , and I ran right into a tree branch - " " Yeah , that sounds right . " " And the branch knocked me down and my arm hit something sharp on the ground - " " Yeah , that sounds wrong . That 's the part I 'm having trouble with . " Dr . Colden snipped off the thread and nodded at his work . He sat down on his stool and spun around twice , then stopped and pointed at Jack . " Do you know that people lie to me all day long , Jack ? Except for maybe a parole officer or a priest , I probably hear more lies than anyone else around . " Jack nodded . " I don 't think you got that cut by falling on the ground , Jack . The branch ? I guess I believe that , it looks about right , but not the arm . Someone cut your arm , Jack , and you need to know that I know that . " Jack nodded again , unable to meet Dr . Colden 's eyes . " I don 't think it was either of your parents because I ' vePosted by Jack ran . He ran across a field and through a ditch , scaring up a batch of ducks . He sprinted across a road and into a neighborhood he didn 't recognize . He cut across a backyard and flew over a playground at a school he didn 't know . He struggled over a shaky , wood slat fence and turned his ankle on a overgrown stump . Jack kept looking behind him , his left arm flailing to keep balance with the weight from the Doorway he held in his right hand . There was no way anyone could have been following him . He didn 't even know where he was . He wasn 't sure when he was . It was the first time Jack had ever tried to jump in time using Jeb 's advice . There was simply no way Damien could know where he was . There was no possible way Damien could have followed him . He ran anyway . Lungs burning , Jack risked another look behind him , wondering if he could slow down soon . Jack turned back around just in time to see the branch from a moss - covered , old apple tree appear in front of his face . It took him just above the eyebrow , knocking him to his knees . Jack tried to get back to his feet , but his legs wouldn 't work right . He fell atop the Doorway and stayed mostly on the right side of consciousness . Damien was big . In the same way that Jack was small , Damien was big . Sometimes you don 't need a lot of qualifiers - Damien was just big . Jack stared up at him , mouth open . He didn 't know what to say , didn 't know what to do . " Cat got your tongue , Grandpa Jack , " Damien said . He turned to Clarice . " Get back in your room . Now . " Clarice shivered like she had a sudden chill , but didn 't move . " Now ! " Damien screamed . Clarice jumped , then slowly backed out of the room until she was out of Damien 's sight . She stayed in the hall though , staring at Jack . She shook her head toward him . Then she did it again . Jack had absolutely no idea what she was trying to tell him . " Why did you come back here ? " Damien asked . " What could she possibly have said to you to make you want to do something so stupid ? " " She told me how you 're hurting her . And how you 're hurting her sisters . " " Why do you care ? " " It 's my fault . I should have gotten rid of that thing a long time ago , " Jack said . " I 'm glad you didn 't . The Doorway opens up so many possibilities . " Jack backed up toward the corner of the bedroom . A bathroom was on his right . And the Doorways were on his left . He stopped directly between the two . " You 're not using it for anything worthwhile . You 're just using it to make money , " Jack said . Damien nodded . " Sounds worthwhile to me . " Jack glanced at the bathroom . Not exactly a superhero - type move to hide in a bathroom , but it would probably have a lock on the door . Maybe he could figure something out after he got in there . Like how to escape . But how could he leave without a Doorway ? " Don 't you even care that you 're hurting them ? " Jack asked . " It 's not easy to see it happen , I 'll admit , " Damien said . " I wish I could figure out a way to stop them from getting sick . " Jack laughed , but it came out as a strangled hiccup . " How about not sending them back ? " Damien shook his head . " No . That 's not an option . Not yet . " Jack slipped a hand into his pants pocket and gripped the screwdriver . " I 'm giving you an opportunity to do the right thing . " " And if I don 't take the opportuPosted by They had a plan . Of sorts . Clarice had left Jack sitting on his bed . She told him she 'd be back that night , very late again , after Damien was asleep . They 'd jump to the future , grab the two Doorways - yes , they were both there - and Jack would come back with both of them . He 'd put them where they 'd never be found , by Damien or anyone else . It didn 't matter if Jack couldn 't destroy them . He 'd bury them 100 feet in the ground if he had to . The basic plan sounded great to Jack . But even he could see it was a little light on detail . * * * * * It was a long , long day . Clarice had told him to get some sleep . She said he 'd have to be rested and ready for their trip that night . Whatever . There was no way Jack could sleep . Or rest . Or even relax . It was Saturday , which made it even worse . No school to distract him . Just a long day of avoiding his Dad , ignoring Janet , and trying to not think about what he had to do later that night . Jack wandered out to the garage . Not exactly a place to revisit old triumphs , but he felt like he needed to take something along as a weapon . He had every intention of getting in and out of there without ever seeing Damien , but , well , things don 't always work out as planned . He had never been a Boy Scout , but he was fully behind the " always be prepared " motto . He thought about the torch and immediately dismissed it . What would he do - ask Damien to wait for a second while he lit it ? He looked over the claw hammer for a moment , but it just seemed too grisly somehow . He didn 't think he could bring himself to hit someone with it , even if he had to . He settled on a short , flathead screwdriver . He could stab with it and he could use it as a knife ; it was brand new and quite sharp . Jack slipped the screwdriver into his pants pocket and prayed he 'd never have to use it . * * * * * The television was showing something - Jack couldn 't really focus on what . It was probably funny because Janet was laughing . Jack excused himself . Said he was tired and was going to go to bed . It was 7 : 15 . His Dad watched him all the way up the Posted by Jack spent Friday at school . There , but not there . Going through the motions with his body while his mind whirled away . The Doorway was gone . And as much as he worried over it , he still had no idea how to get it back . * * * * * It was clear that his Dad and Janet had no idea about the Doorway . They hadn 't taken it away from him - they had forgotten about it completely . Really , there was only one place it could be . Elementary , Jack thought , and then didn 't finish , because it just wasn 't very funny . Damien had it . Damien had the Doorway . He had Jack 's Doorway and he had his own Doorway . Jack wasn 't even sure how it worked . Was Damien sitting now with two Doorways in his room ? Did one disappear when the other one arrived ? What did it matter ? Jack had no way of getting into the future without the Doorway . He was useless here . Jack was afraid Clarice had picked the wrong guy for the job . * * * * * Jack woke up , for the second time this month , with the feeling that someone was staring at him . He rolled onto his back , propped his elbows up and looked down at the end of his bed . Clarice sat quietly , looking out Jack 's window at the starry night . " Hi , Clarice , " Jack said . " Hi , Jack . Sorry to wake you up in the middle of the night . I had to get out while Damien was asleep . " Jack was confused . " I thought you were too old to travel . " " I lied , " Clarice said . " I 'm sorry . " " Jeb told me you didn 't get too old to travel . I wasn 't sure if he was right . Or if you were . " " It was in your notes . Anybody can use the Doorway to travel , at any age . " " So why did you lie to me ? " Jack asked . " I didn 't want you to worry . " They were both quiet for some time . Both thinking their own thoughts , but maybe thinking of the same thing . " You 're sick , aren 't you ? " Jack asked . Clarice just nodded . " From going to the past , " Jack said . It was a statement , not a question . " Damien sent you to the past too often and got you sick . " Clarice turned away and cupped her face into her hands . She started sobbing quietly , small moans of pain coming from deep inside her chest . Jack moved down thePosted by It took five hours and 26 minutes to scrub , dry , and repaint a garage wall , including removal of a plastic kiddie pool and standing water , from said pool , from the garage floor . Jack knew this from experience . After spending all of his evening in the garage , working , Jack did his best to ignore his Father , who was still very upset , and Janet , who was giving him the pity - eyes . He went straight to his bedroom , fell into his bed and was asleep within minutes . * * * * * Jack 's cell phone alarm went off and he tossed it across the room . He put the pillow over his head to cut out the morning sunlight streaming into his room . Thursday . Two days of school left until Christmas break . Nine days left until Christmas . Nine days to figure out how to help Clarice . Nine days to figure out how to stop Damien . Jack tightened down the pillow over his head and reviewed his recent failures . It wasn 't like he was unaccustomed to failure : his Mother leaving him , his Father embarrassed by him , his classmates contemptuous of him . Hey , he had failure down . But this Doorway thing took it to another level . He just couldn 't figure out what to do . He didn 't know how to get Damien to stop sending his daughters to the past and he obviously didn 't know how to destroy the Doorway . Jack rubbed his eyes and and threw the pillow to the floor . He 'd shower and eat something quick . Then he 'd take a slow walk to school to try to come up with a plan . Tossing his covers to join his pillow on the floor , Jack stood up and walked around his bed . He glanced at the Doorway leaning against the wall as he walked by it . Jack stopped and turned around . The Doorway was not leaning against his wall . He turned back and forth , scanning his room . The Doorway was gone . Jack stood in his back yard , shivering in the rain . There was a pile of burnt matches by his feet . The completely undamaged Doorway rested in the grass , soaking up the rain . Trying to burn up the Doorway , in a driving winter rainstorm , with stupid , tiny matches that burned for about five seconds , tops , was perhaps one of the worst ideas Jack had come up with in a long , long time . * * * * * " Let me have the green one , " Jack said . " How old are you ? " the guy behind the counter said . He wore a bright red shirt with a " 7 " on it . The shirt had an impressive collection of stains on it . Beside him , there were about 20 varieties of hot dogs spinning around in a fancy rolling cooker . Jack looked at the guy 's filthy shirt again and figured he 'd order food from the guy about the same time he 'd let him perform a heart transplant . " What 's it matter how old I am ? " Jack asked . " It 's a stupid lighter . " " I could get in trouble , " the guy said , smiling . " What if you go and burn the school down ? " " Then I 'd get a vacation . Just sell it to me already . " The guy giggled . He actually giggled . Perhaps he thought about burning the school down himself . " Five bucks , " the guy said . " It says ninety - nine cents right there ! " " I say five bucks right here . " Jack nodded . " Fine . " He dug in his wallet and threw a ten on the counter . " Thanks . " The guy put the bill in his jeans pocket and leaned back against the wall . " Where 's my change ? " " Take two . It 's a special sale . Today only . " And he giggled again . * * * * * Jack stood in the garage behind his house . He didn 't exactly want to start a fire in here , there were plenty of flammables around , but it was still raining outside and the Doorway was wet enough as it was . He cleared a space in the center of the floor , pushing bikes , folding chairs and a lawnmower out of the way . He stood the Doorway upright on the floor and pulled one of the lighters out of his pocket . Jack cranked the lighter wheel with his thumb and turned the flame up as high as it would go . It wasn 't a very big flame for a five dollar lighter . Jack held the lighterPosted by This was idiotic . Sitting around , talking with Clarice , it had all sounded so simple . Go to the future , meet your great grand daughters and your grandson , and somehow stop your grandson from sending his own daughters back to the past Oh yeah , and make sure you did it all fast , because the girls were all getting sick and once Christmas came and went , it would be another year before he could even get back to them again . Never mind that Jack was 12 years old . Never mind that this Damien was an adult , and apparently a big adult at that . Never mind that Jack had absolutely no idea how to do any of it . Idiotic . * * * * * Jack sat in his room , feeling sorry for himself . As an unpopular 7th grader , feeling sorry for himself was second nature . Hey , if you were going to do something , do it right ! The Doorway leaned against the wall of his bedroom , mocking him . Everyone might blame him for what happened , but he blamed that stupid box . How was he supposed to know what to do ? How could he stop Damien ? Jack had absolutely no idea . All right , think of it a different way . Don 't worry about Damien at all . How about we just get rid of the stinking Doorway completely ? Would that work ? Jack wasn 't sure . If he could destroy the Doorway somehow in the present , would it make it disappear in the future ? Why hadn 't he asked Jeb that ? He could go back and ask him . Waste another day , but he 'd know for sure . Nope , it was time to man up . Jack was tired of messing around . He had 12 days to finish this thing . Jack stood up and pointed at the Doorway . " You 're going down , my friend . " Jack unwrapped his candy cane and stuck it in his mouth . He didn 't even like them much , but Jeb had insisted . Dirty dishes covered the table . They had been sitting at the table for a long time . Much longer than Jack had thought possible , but Jeb covered that first . Up to this point , Jeb had done most of the talking . He told Jack everything he knew about the Doorway . What to do , and more importantly , what not to do . How to use the Doorway and be safe . Jeb 's advice on that was simple : don 't use it . * * * * * " How did your brother die ? " Jack asked . Jeb bit off a large piece of candy cane and chewed it up . It hurt Jack 's teeth just watching it . " We had been using the Doorway for three or four years at that point . We were overconfident . No , that 's putting it too nicely . We were cocky . We thought we could do absolutely anything . And we never thought of the consequences , " Jeb said . He paused for a moment , collecting his thoughts . " Matt loved science fiction when we were kids . He used to watch everything he could - spaceships , robots , aliens . Movies , television , and books - he spent all his free time in his head . In the future . He wanted to be Buck Rogers for real . " " What happened ? " " What happens when you go to the future and there 's no future there ? " Jeb asked . " I told Matt there were risks about going to the future . I mean , who knows what things will look like 100 years in the future ? How about 200 years ? Or 500 years ? I told him over and over , take it easy , don 't push it , just take small steps . But he couldn 't do it . He wanted to be Buck Rogers . " " How far in the future did he go ? " " He had this magazine , " Jeb said . " It was a short story about the year 3000 . In the story , the entire world had evolved . It was a utopia . People didn 't even work , they just played . There was a full - page illustration with the story . It showed a waterfall , a lake , grass and trees , and a bunch of half - dressed women lounging around . Quite the attraction for a teenage boy . " Jack put down his candy cane . His stomach didn 't feel very good . " He never came back , " JePosted by Jack stood in front of his house . Only it wasn 't his house . It would be another ten years before it would become Jack 's house . It was Jebidiah Guthrie 's house . It said so on the mailbox , so it must be true . Jack rang the doorbell and a older man with white hair and a bushy white mustache answered Jack 's front door . If everything he had heard in the last few days was true , Jack figured there was no need to beat around the bush . " Hi , I " m Jack . We need to talk about the advent calendar . " Jebidiah smiled at him , showing teeth so blindingly white they could only have been brand new dentures . " The Doorway ? Come on in . " * * * * * Jeb was kind enough to offer Jack a Pepsi instead of coffee . They sat across from each other at the kitchen table , much like Jack had with Jeb 's sister the day before . " So you live here ? " Jeb asked . " Yeah , " Jack said . " I 've lived here for almost a year . Since my Mom and Dad got a divorce . " " You like it here ? " Jack nudged the candy with his tongue and decided to get to the point . " You 're using the Doorway as a spice rack ? " Jeb glanced at the wall behind him . The Doorway was nailed to the wall above the stove . Every one of the 25 compartments had the door open and was filled with countless bottles and cans of spices . It looked like it had been there for a while . " Yeah , " Jeb said . " It 's pretty useful . " " Why ? " " What would you like me to do with it ? " " Well , " Jack said . " How about , I don 't know , go back in time and do something good ? Do something that would change history for the better . Like , kill Hitler or something . " " Yes , it does inspire those kinds of thoughts , doesn 't it ? " Jeb said . " I 'm not sure it would be that easy ; guards , police , just finding him could prove difficult , but I imagine it could be done . What if I go back and kill Hitler and the guy that takes over for him is even worse ? Or just smarter ? Maybe the next guy would win the war instead of losing it . " " Those are just excuses , " Jack said . " You 're right , they are . You know the real reason I 've never done anything like that ? " Jack shrugged . " Because it 's so Posted by " He 's dead ? " Jack asked . " Good riddance , " the old woman said . " But how ? " " He was old , " the woman said . " I ain 't standing out here in the cold chatting with you . " And she turned around and walked back into the house . She left the door wide open , which Jack figured was good enough as invites go . Jack walked into her living room and glanced around . It wasn 't a guy 's house , that was for sure . There were flowers and lace tablecloths and pillows and some downright scary life - like miniature dolls sitting everywhere . Jack poked his head into the kitchen . " Um , yeah , do you mind if I ask just a few questions about your brother , Mrs . um , Mrs ? " " It 's Mary , " putting water on the stove . " Did you shut the damn door ? " Jack glanced back at the door , knowing it was closed , but not wanting to get Mary upset . More upset . " Yeah , it 's closed . " " Sit down , " Mary told him . Jack sat and watched as Mary poured three heaping teaspoons of instant coffee into two very old mugs . She dumped the steaming water into the mugs and walked them over to the table . She placed one cup of coffee in front of Jack and sat down with the other one cradled in her hands . He didn 't want to be rude , so Jack brought the coffee up to his lips . He had never tried coffee in his life . He took a quick gulp and couldn 't help wincing at the horrible , acrid taste . Mary squinted at him . " You 're too young to know Jeb . Why did you want to talk to him ? " Jack shrugged . " He used to live in our house . I think he left some things behind . I was hoping to ask him about them . " " That wooden calendar . He killed our brother , you know . " Jack was trying to process that Mary knew about the Doorway before she had even moved on to the brother - now his brain was scrambling to catch up . " What ? " Jack said . " He killed his brother ? " " He sure did . " " How ? " " I don 't know , but Matthew was here one day , then the next day we were having his funeral . I was only seven years old . " Jack didn 't know what to think . " So that advent calendar was Jeb 's ? " " Sure was , " Mary said . " And there was something weird about it too . Jeb and Posted by " Hey , Janet , " Jack said . " How 's it going ? " Janet stood with her mouth slightly open , not knowing quite what to say . This was the first time Jack had initiated a conversation with her in , well , ever . " Yeah , so anyway , " Jack said . " Where did you say you found that Advent Calendar that you gave me ? " A huge smile broke across Janet 's face . " Isn 't it fantastic ! I knew you would love it . " Jack nodded . " I do love it . I do . Where did you find it ? " Janet practically sprinted around the table to stand a foot from Jack . " I can show you . I 'd be happy to . " " Nah . Just wondering where . " Janet deflated slightly , her shoulders visibly slumping . " In the corner of the attic , under that mirror . " " Thanks . See ya , " Jack said , walking out of the kitchen . * * * * * Jack stood in the attic with his shirt pulled up over his mouth and nose . It was just rank up here . It was like a combination of dirty socks and rat droppings with a dash of moldy drywall . He couldn 't breathe . Plus , there was absolutely nothing in the corner , under the mirror , except some old Christmas lights and a recliner that was probably both the source of the stank and a cozy home for attic vermin . Jack left . * * * * * " Hey , Dad , " Jack said . " How 's it going ? " " Working . Leave me alone . " Jack nodded and sat down in an overstuffed chair across from his Father 's desk . " So did Janet tell you about that Advent Calendar she gave me ? " " Yes , she did , " his Father said , typing away on his laptop . " Go away . " " She said she got it out of the attic . Do you know where it came from ? " His Father sighed and looked at Jack for the first time . " The previous owner left a bunch of crap in the attic when he moved out . I meant to toss it all , but I haven 't had time . Because I work . From home . Like now . " " Do you know who the previous owner was ? " Jack asked . " Why do you care ? " " I don 't know , " Jack said . " You know , houses , the history of homes . Houses . I don 't know , it 's interesting . " " It 's not , " his Father said . " Besides , you don 't buy houses from the people that own them , you buy them from a realtor . I never even met the guy tPosted by " Comics ? " Jack asked . " Sometimes baseball cards , " Clarice said . " Sometimes coins or stamps . It 's always something that won 't draw too much attention for a couple of six year old girls to buy . And it has to be something that they can carry easily . They can 't go back and buy a grandfather clock or something . " Jack nodded . " That 's smart . " Clarice scowled at him . " Don 't act like Damien is some master criminal pulling off a genius plan . He 's a common thief , willing to hurt his children to make money ! " Jack decided to shut up . They were sitting in a park a few blocks away from Clarice 's apartment . Well , she had called it a park , but to Jack , it looked like a parking lot without cars . There were a few benches and a few tables - that 's it . No grass , no trees , no playground , no fun . Clarice leaned over and hugged Jack quickly , then pulled back . " I 'm sorry , " Clarice said . " I 'm just tense . I know none of this is your fault . " Jack shrugged . " I don 't know . I 'm the one that wrote the notes on how to use this thing . Maybe I should have just burned it instead . " " How could you know ? Some people would actually use it for good reasons . There 's so many ways it could help people , but my Father doesn 't think like that . " " My grandson , " Jack mumbled . Clarice smiled at him . " It must be hard to find out you 're a Father , Grandfather , and Great Grandfather all at once . . . when you 're 12 years old . " " At least I know there 's one girl out there somewhere that won 't tell me to get lost , " Jack said , laughing . " She must be a very smart girl , " Clarice said . " We can hope . " Jack stood up and stretched . " Candy 's almost gone . Let me ask you one more thing . " " Go ahead . " " Why don 't you go back instead of your sisters ? " " There 's something about age . Maybe puberty , or somewhere around there . It just doesn 't work for me anymore . " Jack 's cheeks reddened . " Anyway , it was in your - " " Yeah , my notes , " Jack said . " Why do we only get sick when we go back ? I always feel fine coming here . " " I don 't know . Something about going to the past affects your body . Going to the future doesn 't . Posted by The postcard read " New York City : 1938 - The City of Wonder . " You couldn 't prove it by Jack . The front of the postcard looked like any other old city . He couldn 't imagine why Clarice wanted him to use the Doorway to go back to New York City in 1938 , but that 's what she said . So that 's what he was going to do . Jack looked at his clothes one last time . Clarice had said to look " dull . " He didn 't own a lot of " dull , " but he wore as much brown as he could find and called it good enough . Jack checked his watch , took a deep breath , and tossed the candy into his mouth . * * * * * Even in 1938 , New York City was hopping . Jack moved to the edge of the sidewalk and tried to stay out of the way . He bent over slightly as a sharp pain hit the side of his gut . Jack was afraid he might throw up right there on the sidewalk of The City of Wonder . This time - travel stuff was hard on the stomach . Jack knelt down and took shallow breaths , hoping the sudden nausea would pass . He was so preoccupied with the pain in his stomach , he nearly missed Clarice 's twin sisters walk right by in front of him . Squinting through the pain from the cramps in his gut , Jack hobbled after them . They seemed a little wobbly on their feet as well , and if anything , looked even more pale than they had when Jack had seen them a few days before . The girls - Jack knew now they were Emma and Nat , although he didn 't know which was which - made a beeline for a small drug store at the end of the block . Jack followed them in and watched from a few aisles over as they each grabbed something from a squat wooden rack sitting on the floor . The two girls went up to the front counter and handed a few coins to an elderly man standing behind an equally elderly , but very shiny , cash register . The man put their purchases into a thin paper bag and gave them a slight wave as they turned and left the store . Glancing out the window at the twins , Jack hurried over to the rack and picked up the item that the girls had purchased . It was a comic book . No , Jack thought , it Posted by " No pressure though , right ? " Jack said . Clarice smiled . Then she took the smile away . " We 've got to be fast . When the candy is gone , you 'll go back . " Jack tried to see the joke , but she really didn 't seem like the joking type . " Back where ? " " To your own time . Come on , let 's walk . " Jack hurried to keep up with Clarice . She walked fast . " Oh my God , " Jack said , pulling at his shirt . " Why is it so hot here ? " " It 's pretty normal today , " Clarice said . " It can get much hotter . So do you know how the Doorway works ? " " The what ? " Jack said , not paying attention . He was wondering why the streets were so deserted . " Where is everyone ? " " Inside . Nobody comes out during the day anymore , " Clarice said . She stopped and faced him . " Do you know how the Doorway works ? " " I don 't even know what the Doorway is . What are we talking about ? " Clarice threw her hands up in frustration . " You 're the one that wrote all the notes ! You 're supposed to know everything about it ! That 's why I brought you here ! " Jack shifted the candy from one side of his mouth to the other . He moved one hand in front of her face , his thumb and index finger about a centimeter apart . " Listen , Clarice . I 'm about this close to totally freaking out on you . So can you just relax for a second and tell me what 's going on ? " * * * * * Jack and Clarice sat next to each other on the sidewalk , leaning against the wall of a derelict , abandoned school . Clarice was doing most of the talking . Jack was just sitting , sweating , and listening . The candy was just about gone . " Can 't I take the candy out and hold it or something , " Jack asked . Clarice shook her head . " Because my notes say it won 't work , right ? " She nodded . " So these many , many pages of detailed notes that I wrote about the Doorway - you can 't get them ? " " Damien hid them , " Clarice said . " He knew I was looking for them . I 've only skimmed through them once . " " Why do you call it the Doorway ? " Jack asked . " You 'll see . Tomorrow . " " Did you come up with that name ? The Doorway . . . sounds scary , " Jack said . " It was in your notes . " " Yeah , well , I always was pretty Posted by Bravery , as a concept , is a strange and confusing topic for a twelve year old boy . Every boy knows they 're expected to be brave , even at ten , even at eight , even younger . The movies demand bravery , and reward it handsomely . So do the TV shows , and the cartoons . Lord , even the commercials expect boys to be brave . But what twelve year old is truly brave ? No doubt , there are more than a few that don 't understand the consequences of their actions . Those boys look brave , but are actually more foolish than courageous . Jack knew all this , even though he probably couldn 't have put it into words . Jack also knew he wasn 't particularly brave , but he was definitely smart enough to figure out the consequences for cowards who just tried to act brave . That path led to failure and shame . Find a seventh grade boy who couldn 't tell you that . Which is all a drawn out way to say that Jack was still standing in front of the advent calendar the day after the twin girls had visited him . Jack had done a lot of thinking , but little else . The intellectual route seemed safer than taking the more simple and direct path toward being brave . He had thought about the calendar , about what the girls had said to him , about the candies . About the new photo . The photo the twin girls had given him yesterday was pretty simple . If it was a puzzle that he needed to figure out , Jack wasn 't getting it . It was a picture of the older sister . The girls had called her Clarice . In the photo , Clarice was standing outside a building . The building itself was sort of gray and dingy . It was hard to tell what it was meant to be ; maybe an apartment building . Clarice had on tan shorts and a thin , white cotton shirt . Her brown hair was cut short , her eyes dark and serious . But in this photo , there was one subtle difference in comparison to the first photo : Clarice was smiling . Well , a half - smile anyway . She wasn 't really looking happy , but at least hopeful . Jack thought she was quite pretty when she smiled . * * * * * Jack held the picture in one hand and two candies in the othePosted by Jack was dreaming again . Or he was going crazy again . Well , maybe that was the wrong way to think about it . Maybe he was going crazy still . Whatever . The point was Jack was in his bed and afraid to move . His clock on the bed stand read 4 : 02 AM , which was about right for dream - time , and probably ok for crazy - time as well . Jack assumed anytime was a good time for crazy - time . Jack was afraid to move because there were two girls standing about three feet from his bed , staring at him . They weren 't very scary in and of themselves . They were about six years old or so , definitely twins , and pale as ghosts . They were a bit skinny and unhealthy looking as well . In fact , they could have been ghosts - they were pale almost to the point of translucence . But what really scared Jack about these two girls was the fact that they seemed quite real . He could see their shadows , which the glow of his alarm clock cast out behind them . He could see dark circles under their eyes , like they hadn 't slept well in weeks . He could even sort of smell them . They smelled sweet and somehow sickly at the same time , like someone with the flu who had just taken a teaspoon of disgustingly sweet grape cough syrup . He was no expert , but Jack didn 't think dreams ever had quite this level of detail to them . Finally , he was afraid to move because he slept in his underwear , and six years old or not , Jack wasn 't running from his room , in his underwear , in front of two girls . Jack raised his hand to them : half wave , half don 't - move - any - closer . " Hi , Jack , " said the one on the left . The girl on the right just give a small , quick smile at Jack . Then she looked down like her feet were more interesting than Jack . Jack squeaked . He meant to say " hi " back to them , but it just didn 't come out . " We were supposed to come give you a message , " the girl on the left said . Then she looked at her twin . Her twin just kept staring at her shoes . " She needs you to hurry up . " " Who ? " Jack asked . " Who needs me to hurry up ? " " Clarice , " the girl on tPosted by Jack didn 't want to get out of bed . In fact , he wasn 't going to get out of bed . He was going to tell Janet he was sick and staying home from school and that was that . And to be honest , he didn 't feel that great . Ever since his episode the day before ( that 's what Jack called it , " the episode ; " what was he supposed to call it ? ) , he 'd had a headache , and his chest and back were sore , like he had the flu or something . That wasn 't the only problem of course . Jack couldn 't lie to himself - he was scared . He was scared of what happened the day before . He was scared that he had imagined the whole thing . He was scared he had gone a little crazy . He was scared of the advent calendar . There was absolutely no reason for Jack to believe that the advent calendar had caused the episode the day before . No reason whatsoever . But Jack did believe it . It was officially December 4th . According to Jack 's watch , it had been December 4th for about seven hours and 24 minutes now . It was indeed official . Jack could march over and open the fourth door in the calendar without a pang of guilt . People all over the world were opening all sorts of fourth doors on their very own advent calendars . It was the obvious and normal thing to do . But Jack wasn 't going to do it . His Mother had left him once . She had turned her back on him and deserted him . Why would he want to see her again ? Why would he want to go through that again ? Even if he was dreaming the whole thing , why would he possibly want to give her the chance to leave him again ? Jack was alone in his room , but he still moved his blanket up over his face to hide his tears . If he hid them , then she hadn 't hurt him . And he wasn 't going to let her hurt him again . Jack came home from school and walked directly to his room . Usually he would toss his backpack in front of the door and plop down on the couch - play some video games , maybe have some pretzels or something . Today , he wanted to check out the advent calendar a little more . His new mom , Janet , hated it when he went into his room and closed his door . So Jack made sure to close the door behind him . Jack wished he hadn 't ignored Janet so well the day before . What had she said - she found the calendar in the attic ? So where did the weird photo come from ? Jack couldn 't imagine Janet putting it in there as some kind of joke . She was too vanilla for that . So where did it come from ? Propping the advent calendar up against his wall , Jack studied it closely . He pulled open the door marked " 1 " and looked in . Nothing . It was completely empty . He opened the door marked " 2 " and checked inside . It was empty too . He tried the third door . There was a bright blue , almost phosphorescent , round candy hiding in the corner of the little compartment . Jack pulled it out and looked at it . A little dusty , but nothing he couldn 't handle . He wiped it off on his shirt while trying to open the fourth door . The door marked " 4 " would not budge . Neither would " 5 , " " 6 , " " 14 , " or " 18 . " Jack tried all of them . They were totally stuck . Which was pretty bizarre . Jack tried the first three doors again - opened and closed . They worked perfectly . The hinges were smooth and silent and the wood didn 't even rub when the doors were closed : the fit was as true as it could possibly be . Well , OK , it was December 3rd , so maybe the other doors weren 't supposed to open yet , but Jack didn 't see any kind of lock on any of the doors , including the first three that had opened . So it would be a pretty good trick to keep them closed until the day they were supposed to open . He figured he had to be missing something . Jack shook his head , wishing Janet wouldn 't sneak into his room , even if it was to give him candy . His real Mom wouPosted by Jack woke up , slid his feet onto the floor and rubbed his face . Two more weeks of school until Christmas break . That was a long , long time . He wasn 't sure he could take it . School had not been easy for him lately . Jack appreciated reading all of the bullying articles in the news lately . He wondered , why not me ? Where are my bullies ? At least bullies would mean someone was paying attention to him . Instead , Jack drifted through school from day to day without creating so much as a ripple among the ocean of students he came in contact with . It didn 't help that Jack was sort of small and sort of scrawny . That was Janet 's fault . Jack had not grown since his parents had divorced 19 months earlier . Literally , he had not grown a centimeter . It was like the bad feelings and the rejection he felt from his Mother leaving and Janet moving in had settled right in his spine and weighed him down . Standing up like he was 80 instead of 12 , Jack creaked over to his door to head to the bathroom . And tripped over the advent calendar and fell , face first , onto the shag carpet . Jack rolled over , rubbing the pain out of his toes . How , HOW , could a stubbed toe hurt like that ? Janet must have left the stupid thing leaning against his door . He walked back into his room and carefully put on one sock and one shoe , on his good foot . Then he limped back out , circled the advent calendar , and kicked it as hard as he could . The wood box flew across his bedroom and crashed into the far wall . Then Jack hobbled , lopsided on one shoe , to the bathroom . After showering , then slouching through yet another bowl of cereal for breakfast , Jack was headed out the door to run to school - he was late - when he stepped on the photo from the advent calendar . It must have fallen out of the calendar when he kicked it . He picked it up and stuffed it into the pocket of his hoodie as he ran out the door . * * * * * If there was something more boring than seventh grade math , Jack hadn 't found it . He sat in the back row of the class and looked over the photo from the aPosted by The thing had to be 100 years old . At least . It was a box . Sort of . Maybe a cabinet . Kind of . It was about two feet wide and about two feet tall , but it wasn 't quite square . Maybe just a touch taller than wide . It was a few inches deep . The box was made out of dark , smooth wood , not varnished at all , but still polished and clean , like it had been rubbed over by scores of hands through the years . And it had 25 little doors with 25 little metal hinges . There were magnificently ornate numbers carved into each door , from one to twenty - five . It had dust caked in the corners . There were spider webs across the back of the cabinet . The whole thing looked like it had been buried in an attic for generations . " Isn 't it gorgeous ? " Jack 's Mom said . Well , Jack 's " new " Mom anyway . Janet . " I found it in the attic , " she said . Jack looked at her like she was an alien . " What is it ? " " An advent calendar . It 's for you , " she said . " All right , " Jack said . And it can go right back into the attic for all I care , Jack thought . " Only the first door will open , " Janet said . " I can 't seem to get the rest open . " " Great . Could it be more useless ? I mean that 's the whole point of the thing , right ? " Jack said . " You 've got to open it up to put stuff in there for me to find . Like money , I hope . " Janet 's smile faltered only slightly . " Well , there was an old photo in the first door , " she said . " Maybe there will be more treasures if you can get the other doors open . " Jack nodded then walked into his room , closing his door behind him and leaving the advent calendar at his new mother 's feet . Jack bounced out from behind the Christmas tree and jumped onto his Grandson 's back . He kicked out at the Doorway , hoping to dislodge it , but Damien was too strong . Jack yelled at Clarice to help him , but she cowered behind the tree . Their carefully rehearsed plan was breaking apart already . As Damien swung Jack around , trying to fling him off his back , Jack caught a glimpse of Clarice . She was terrified . Her father still intimidated her to a state of fear ; even after all he had put her through . Damien grunted in frustration and ran backwards , slamming Jack into the wall . Jack was dazed , but held on . Damien slammed him into the wall again . And again . Jack lost his grip around Damien 's neck and slumped down the wall , with his body splayed against the floor and his head wedged at a painful angle against the wall . " I told you to stay in your own time , " Damien said . " Why didn 't you listen to me ? You could have ruined everything ! " " You 're making them sick , " Jack said , rubbing the back of his head . " They 're your own daughters . " Clarice hid on the other side of the tree , searching by her feet to find something to throw at her father . She knew Jack would never be able to handle Damien on his own . And she had already let Jack down once . " We would have been done by now if it wasn 't for you , " Damien screamed . " It 's your fault they 're still having to travel ! " Jack stood up and faced off against his grandson . Jack was about a foot shorter and 100 pounds lighter , but he walked directly in front of Damien . " You can lie to yourself , but I know you better than that , " Jack said . " You 'll never be satisfied with what you have . You 're too greedy . You 'll just keep sending them until they 're too sick to travel . Or until they 're dead . " " No . He won 't , " Clarice said . She reared back and threw an antique snow globe from the mantle beside the Christmas tree . It was heavy ; made with a metal base and a real glass globe . The snow globe smashed into her father 's wrist and Damien dropped tPosted by Scott and Jennifer have teamed up many times over the last several years to create a seasonal holiday story to share with friends and family . This will be their first year publishing their story on - line for a daily chapter leading up to Christmas Day . Please sit back with a cup of cocoa by a warm fire and enjoy their latest story : 25 DOORS

Posted by Jill Ginsberg under Giving | Tags : angels , connection , courage , family , Giving , mother | [ 22 ] Comments I love Christmas , I really do . I love that all the stores are closed and there isn 't anywhere to go . I love that the phone probably won 't ring . In the unlikely event the doorbell chimes , it will be a crafty friend with cookies or other homemade goodies . I understand the deep significance of the holiday for those who celebrate it and mean no disrespect . As a Jew , Christmas for me means a nice day off and sometimes Chinese food and a movie . We never celebrated Christmas when I was a child and I have never hung an ornament . I think the lights are pretty but I would probably be one of those people that left them up all year round out of sheer laziness . There 's a book I 've had my eye on at Powell 's : Rambam 's Ladder , A Meditation on Generosity and Why it is Necessary to Give , by Julie Salamon . A few months into this adventure , I still have a lot to learn about generosity and giving . I forgot that I would not be the only person happy to get out of the house today . The streets downtown were teeming , and people had that wistful post - holiday daze about them . As I approached Powell 's , I saw a young woman crouched over on the traffic island across the street . I couldn 't really make it out , but it looked like she had some paper or a drawing pad on her lap . People were streaming by in all directions . No one looked at her and she didn 't look up . I decided to try my luck at finding a parking place and then see if she was still there . A spot opened up halfway down the block , which was amazing . After I parked I went back to the corner . There she was , still hunkered down practically into a ball . People and cars passed without seeming to notice her . I stood watching and it seemed to take forever for the light to change . When I finally got across the street , I went over and tried to peek over her shoulder to see what was on the yellow paper in her lap . I was hoping to see an artist 's rendition of the surrounding landscape . Instead , I caught a glimpse of a few words . My heart sank . " Hey , how ya doing ? " I asked . " Oh , I 'm okay , " she said cheerlessly . " What 's the matter ? " I asked her . " Oh , I 'm just trying to make this sign with this dumb pen . " She straightened up just enough for me to see what was in her lap : a sign with block letters that said " Lost My Job . Couldn 't Pay Rent . " She held the ballpoint pen out and said she was trying to fill in the outline of the letters to make it more visible . " It 's taking forever with this . " It was cold outside and starting to drizzle . The young woman looked 17 , maybe 18 . I asked her what was going on and she told me that she had lost her job as a house cleaner and had split up with her boyfriend . She couldn 't afford the rent for their small apartment on her own and got kicked out . She told me that the women 's shelters were only for pregnant women or domestic violence victims , and she had nowhere to go . I was somewhat surprised to hear myself say , " How about you let me get you something hot to drink ? " There was a pause and then she said , " Okay . If you want to . Actually , I don 't want to give up this spot . I just got here and someone else will take this spot if I leave . A lot of people walk by here . " " C ' mon , " I urged . " Let 's go inside for a bit . Maybe we can get you a better pen in the bookstore . " It really wasn 't hard to convince her . She got up and we crossed the street together . It crossed my mind that I hoped she wasn 't always so trusting . The bookstore was absolutely packed , a madhouse . On our way to the café we passed one of the information desks and I saw a Sharpie sitting on the counter . " Do you sell pens like this here ? " I asked . No , they didn 't , but the employee offered to let us use it while we were in the store . " Just make sure you bring it back . " I asked her name ; it was Lauren . When we got to the café I told her to pick out whatever she wanted to eat . They were out of sandwiches but there were pastries in the case , and bagels . " Maybe I 'll get a scone . What do you think looks good ? " she asked me . She settled on a lemon scone and hot chocolate . I sent her to find a seat while I waited in the long line to pay . I wasn 't sure I would even be able to find her again . It was crowded and I had barely seen her face . But there she was : a small woman sitting by the window , hunched over her paper . I asked for extra whipped cream on her hot chocolate and I got one without . She was saving the seat next to me with her bag . As she moved it to make room she said , " I had a real nice backpack but I gave it to my friend . He really needed it . " We sat together and her story came rolling out as she worked on her sign . She was 21 and had been doing okay until her hours got cut back at work . Her mother lives nearby , in Beaverton , but recently remarried " someone weird " . She 's not welcome in their home and doesn 't even know their address . Her Dad lives in San Francisco . She was hoping to get the money together to take the bus to California ; in addition to her Dad she has other family and friends there . " At least I 'd have some options . " She was wearing a lightweight black coat over a blue sweatshirt , the dirty cuffs sticking out and partially covering over her hands . I tried not to stare , noticing dirty nails and chipped dark blue nail polish . She was intent on her task . " If I say ' Looking for a room ' do you think they 'll know what that means ? It 's a lot easier than writing ' Looking for a place to stay ' . I said I thought that sounded fine , flashing back to sitting with my kids while they did their homework . There were two women sitting next to me , a stack of GRE study manuals on the counter in front of them . Their lighthearted banter stood in heartbreaking contrast to Lauren 's grim narrative . " 25 Math Concepts You Absolutely Must Know . Okay , check this out . The area of a triangle , the volume of a cylinder . ' The complete arc of a circle is 360º . ' Hey , I knew that one ! " The women were laughing about how much smarter they used to be when they were in high school . Lauren was telling me that her new stepfather didn 't want to see her for at least two years , and then only if she was in school or steadily employed . " It 's not like I want to throw my life away . " She continued slowly filling in the letters on the sign . I asked her what she did yesterday , on Christmas . " Nothing . I really didn 't do anything , " she said sadly . I decided it was time to go and told Lauren I was going to take off . I had a C - note folded up in my pocket and I held it out to her . " I hope this helps out a little . Take care of yourself . " " Oh , thank you ! Are you sure ? " she asked . " Yeah , " I said . " Look at it . " She opened the bill and let out a gasp . " Are you sure ? " she asked again . For the first time , she looked at me full on , relief flooding her features . Her eyes sparkled with intelligence and a flash of optimism . I saw how pretty she was behind the piercings , dirty hair and guardedness . " I think I 'm just going to go right to the bus station and see if I have enough for a ticket to San Francisco . I could be there tomorrow ! " She reached out and pulled me into a hug , saying " No one has ever helped me out like this before . " I told her she was smart and beautiful and I just knew things would work out for her . On the way out , I passed by the employee who had lent us the pen . " She 'll bring it back soon , " I promised . He shrugged . " We 'll see . " " I 'm sure she will , " I insisted . Now I think maybe she held onto it as a reminder of the strange and wonderful thing that happened today . I kind of hope she did . Posted by Jill Ginsberg under Giving | Tags : blindness , connection , courage , curiosity , family , Giving , Inspiration , Month of hundreds | [ 27 ] Comments I guess I was just born nosy , because I can 't ever remember a time when I didn 't like grilling people with questions . Maybe it 's simple curiosity , but I seem to have a greater tendency and need to pry than most . This serves me well in my work as a physician , which is really all about stories and getting to the bottom of things . Having the intention of giving away $ 100 really opened up this part of me ; I became like a question machine . It was a natural part of the giving process but moreso a by - product of feeling more aware and connected . I am simply amazed at how willing people are to share personal information with a total stranger . That 's what happened today . I was back at good old Fred Meyer , along with most everyone in the neighborhood . There was a C - note tucked in my pocket . I had stuff to pick up from all over the store , so I covered some ground . I saw the cashier woman from Day 31 and was happy to see that she seemed to be in a better mood . I said hello to a few people I knew as I worked my way through my list . I was inexplicably browsing through the oral health supplies when I spotted a young girl with a white cane . She appeared to be about 14 and was holding on to a slightly older kid 's arm . Every so often he would stop and she would feel her way along the shelves . " What is this ? " I heard her ask . " It 's candy . And gum and stuff . " Seems like I went around the store in circles a few times but I finally grabbed my last item , a bottle of canola oil . A few yards down was the blind girl . She was standing in front of the packaged pudding , the boy standing somewhat protectively at her side . A woman was behind them , giving her directions . " Look to the … I mean , feel to the left . No , I mean the right . That 's Jello . " " It 's already cooked ? " asked the girl . The woman had a shopping cart full of packaged food . She was in her 60s , had a soft round face and short spiky hair . She saw me looking at her and smiled . She took a few lurching steps and I noticed that one of her legs was about four inches shorter than the other . The kids came over and they all conferred quietly . A large man joined them and I realized he was part of the family too . I stood there and pretended to compare the prices of brown sugar . Lots of people were coming and going . Finally the five of us were alone in the aisle and I wheeled my cart next to theirs . I said hello to the woman , who fixed me with a friendly and open gaze . " Is this your family ? " I asked her . " Yes , we drove up from Medford . " She cocked her head toward the girl . " She 's going to the School for the Blind . So we 're getting stuff to get her cupboards set up . You know , stuff she doesn 't have to cook very much . It 'll be the first time she 's been on her own . " I looked at the small girl standing next to me . " How old are you ? " I asked . " I 'm eighteen , " she said , her eyelids fluttering . We stood there chatting for a while as if we were old friends . I felt the cocoon of love , pride and concern that was surrounding this brave girl . I flashed back to the emotion of dropping my own son off at college not long ago . " I 'd like you to have this . For good luck . " I tucked the bill into the woman 's hand . She looked at it and then at me . " Are you sure ? Are you sure ? ? " I smiled and said I was . The woman reached out and pulled me into a big hug . She pressed her soft cheek against mine in a tender and surprisingly intimate gesture . Then she whispered into my ear , " Thank you . I 'll give it to my granddaughter . " She left a damp spot on my cheek when she finally pulled away . " What is it , Grandma ? " asked the girl . " It 's some money , sweetie . " The woman thanked me , her eyes glistening . I said goodbye and turned to go . I 'll never be sure what she meant but as I pushed off toward the checkout stand I heard the girl say , " Grandma ? I told you I could see with my heart . " I spent the weekend in Boston , where Elijah is attending college . We had a great visit and talked , among other things , about my verifiable history as a cheapskate . He told me how the Oregonian reporter had called and asked if he could give her some examples of my cheapness . He apparently had no problem coming up with a slew , and reminded me about the time I drove around the block waiting for the guys at Jiffy Lube to put out their " $ 10 Off " sign . Stuff like that . I am very glad to see that my kids are both sensible and generous without having absorbed any of my bizarre relationship to money . The streets were positively teeming with people ; scads of tourists as well as lots of folks who looked pretty down on their luck . It was chilly out , though nothing like it will be in a month or two . I saw people curled up in doorways , huddled in sleeping bags and sometimes under a sheet of cardboard . On Saturday morning I went to get coffee at Borders and was doing some browsing when I noticed a well dressed man sitting in a comfy chair . He was sitting up straight with his eyes closed and appeared to be sound asleep . I watched him out of the corner of my eye as I thumbed through a book about the back roads of Ireland . After a few minutes a store employee approached . He didn 't say a word , just grabbed the back of the guy 's chair and lifted it up . Then he let it bounce , hard . " Hey ! Get up ! " he barked . The sleeper 's eyes opened ; he was now dazed yet alert . The employee told him to leave , then stood there staring him down . I found this scene very upsetting and impulsively stepped to the guy 's side . " Have you read this book ? " I asked him . I guess I wanted the employee to know whose side I would be on if it came down to it . The sleeper looked at me somewhat blankly and said , " No , I haven 't read that one . " Then he stood up and left . I went to tell the employee what I thought of the situation and found him standing behind the counter . I understand that they don 't want the store used as a hotel , but the guy wasn 't bothering anyone and I didn 't see the need to be rude and disrespectful . He told me they had been trying to wake the guy up for a while ( really ? ) and were about to call an ambulance . " And " , he preached , " These people generally don 't want an ambulance called . " I put the books I had selected back and left without buying anything . When I got to the airport today I still had the C - note in my pocket . I had plenty of time and a long flight ahead . It felt good to stretch my legs so I wandered around for a bit . I passed a shoe shine stand and was offered a shine . My suede boots were not a good candidate but I stopped to chat for a while . The shoe shine man asked me where I was going and told me he was headed for Berlin tomorrow ; he 's lived there on and off since he married a German woman in 1977 . His wife doesn 't like living in the US , although they tried to make a go of it . He has a second job with the airlines so he flies for free and goes back and forth every few months . My mother was from Berlin , I told him . " You 're German , then ! That 's what I tell my kids ! Don 't deny your heritage ! Just because you 're American doesn 't mean you 're not German , too ! " He told me his name was " Brown , like the color . " A man came to get his shoes shined and Mr . Brown turned away and got to work . I walked around a little more and thought a lot about Mr . Brown . He was going to Berlin ? Tomorrow ? It seemed such an unlikely coincidence . And he didn 't strike me as an international traveler . But there I go again with my assumptions . Berlin is the city from which my mother fled as a young woman and never returned . The city where her wealthy parents had their business and all their property confiscated by the Nazis . I 've never visited and never wanted to . Berlin seems … scary somehow . I turned back and went to find Mr . Brown . I told him I had a favor to ask him . A bit warily , he said sure , what was it ? I explained about my mother 's family and that they had been largely ruined by the Nazis . How my mother had left some of her fear planted deep within me . And that she had died not long ago . He nodded with understanding and watched me carefully . I handed him the C - note . " It would mean a lot to me if you would take this with you to Berlin and do something good with it . " His eyes lit up . " Oh , wow ! Yes , ma ' am ! Yes , I certainly will ! " He wanted some ideas for what I had in mind so we talked about some possibilities . " There 's no homeless there , you know , " he reminded me . " Germany has got it going on ; they know how to run a country ! " Then he said , " OK , I get it ! You 're blessing me and I 'll put a blessing on someone over there . " Then , " I 'll be thinking about you the whole time ! " I thanked him and we shook hands . He pulled a guy over to snap our photo then laughed at how small I looked . " At least I have a nice smile , " he said . He gave me all his phone numbers . In case I want to talk some time . And I really should make it over there . Berlin is a beautiful city , he said . With beautiful people . My dad , Sidney Ginsberg , grew up in an extended Jewish family in Philadelphia and New York , had a thick Brooklyn accent , and loved to eat sardines and herring . In some ways he was an odd match for my cultured European mother . He served in the Army , then went to law school on the GI bill . But he didn 't work as a lawyer till later . For most of my childhood he worked in the family business , a garage and gas station in Hoboken , New Jersey . Hoboken in those days was very different from the chic community it is today ; it was grungy and kind of scary . The garage got burglarized a few times ; an alarm would go off and then our phone would ring in the middle of the night , sending my dad hurrying out into the dark . He worked six days a week and always had grease under his fingernails . A series of de - greasing products made their way through our bathroom , each one promising ( and failing ) to remove the telltale signs of the working life . On Saturdays , my dad would often take me with him to the gas station . The guys would open the soda machine for me and let me take whatever I wanted . When I was old enough I got to help wash cars and pump gas . Sometimes I got a 25 ¢ tip . Nothing I have ever done since was more fun ; I adored my dad and it seemed like everyone else did , too . He was playful , warm and quick with a joke . I did lots of " boy stuff " with my dad . I loved spending time with him at his workbench in the basement . I can 't remember anything that he ever built or even fixed , but he carried an aura of being a capable and handy guy and I wanted to be like that . He chopped wood in the backyard for our fireplace , pushed me around in the wheelbarrow and taught me how to use the axe . Sometime in the late 1960s my dad went back to school and started working as an attorney for Legal Aid . He spoke fondly of his clients and considered them " underdogs " worth fighting for . At some point a grateful client started sending him a lottery ticket every week . He never found out who the client was but one time he got a winning ticket worth $ 50 . At his office and in the courtroom everyone referred to my father as " Tex " , because he was always wearing a cowboy hat . He shaved his head and only wore bow ties , which I found embarrassing at the time . Every year for his birthday I would get him a straight tie which he would wear once and then relegate to the back of his closet . As I got older I assumed the duty of his weekly " haircuts " , which consisted of using a clipper on the closest setting and shaving off what little hair he had . Sometimes I would leave a patch on the back in the shape of a triangle or square , especially if he had a PTA meeting to go to . I thought this was hilarious and he never got mad . On November 15 , 1974 my dad said he wasn 't feeling well , laid down on the floor , and died . I was 17 and a senior in high school . My mother was shocked , and overwhelmed by the business aspects of managing the aftermath . She retreated deeply into her scarcity mentality . The family home became a sad and sorry place . As soon as I could , I got out on my own . My dad would love this project . I think he pretty much would love everything about it . I wanted to honor him today with my gift , so I headed over to our local gas station . There 's a really sweet kid there who has pumped my gas before ( in Oregon you don 't get to pump your own gas ) . I was hoping he might be there today . Sure enough , as I pulled in I saw the mop of this young guy 's hair . He started filling my tank and was just finishing up with a couple of other cars . Pretty soon it was just the two of us . I got out of the car . I asked him how he was doing and he said he was good and what about me . I made a comment about how nice he always is and he smiled . " Have you always been like that ? " I asked him . " Yeah " , he said . " Ever since my mother raised me . And my dad . " He 's 18 now . I said they must be proud of him and he said yeah , he thought so . I told the kid I wanted to give him something and he said that was fine . I handed him the C - note and he stared . " You 're kidding , right ? Are you serious ? Is this for real ? " I said it was and he said , " Dang ! Thank you ! Thank you so much ! " He was so happy and excited . I told him he might not realize how much of a difference he makes to people by being his sweet self . He said his name was Julian and asked me mine . " You 're pretty nice , too " , he said . " You just made my day ! " Then he asked if he could give me a hug and wrapped his long arms around me . A car pulled in and he loped off to take care of business . He turned back and said , " Whenever I see you , I 'm gonna say ' Thank you , Jill ! ' " He waved at me , smiling , as I pulled out of the lot . Posted by Jill Ginsberg under Giving | Tags : conceit , family , Giving , gratitude , Inspiration , Month of hundreds , wariness | [ 6 ] Comments I 'm heading out of town tomorrow for a few days and have been a little preoccupied with how I 'm going to do with my giveaways . In a different city and culture , will I still be able to follow my instincts ? Granted , it 's not like I 'm going to Djibouti , but San Francisco is a different world . I had to stop at the store after work today . I got out of the car and was crossing the parking lot when I saw a woman struggling with her empty shopping cart . I always hate taking the cart back to the repository after loading my groceries in the car , so I decided to be really nice and offer to take her cart back for her . I was feeling kind of pleased with myself , thinking how this project is making me into such a nice person . Then I couldn 't find the place where you put the carts and I started to get annoyed . Ah ! No wonder ! Some idiot had parked right in front of it , blocking the whole thing . A couple of other shoppers were kind of circling around , trying to figure out how to put their carts away . Jeez . Some people ! It was getting dark but I could see well enough to realize that the offending vehicle looked vaguely familiar . Wait . Is that … ? Doh ! I was the one who was blocking everyone from putting their carts away . Wow . I hate that . I fixed the problem as quickly as I could and headed into the store . I had the C - note in my pocket and just cruised the aisles for a while . There were a lot of people inside , mostly in ones and twos . I walked slowly and ( I imagined ) nonchalantly past the produce , the crackers , the peanut butter and the salad dressing . Heading into the frozen food aisle I saw a young woman pushing a little girl in a stroller . She was wearing tiny shorts that barely covered her bottom and said " Senior " across the back . High school ? Possible , but she looked older . With the two of them was a slightly rounder version of the young woman . She had stopped pushing their shopping cart and was looking at the ice cream . " Klondike bars ? " , I heard her ask . The cart was piled with chips , soda and frozen chicken . Something drew me to them . " Excuse me " , I said to the woman with the cart . " Can I talk with you for a minute ? " " Okaaayy " , she said , visibly dubious . She maneuvered her cart around in front of her so it was between the two of us . " What 's it about ? " " Is this your family ? " , I asked . " Yes " , she said . " These are my daughters . " She looked concerned , and mildly frightened . I saw the two girls watching me . " They 're beautiful " , I offered . I smiled , trying to put them all at ease . The older girl grinned at me and did a gracious little curtsey . I told the mom what I was doing and that I wanted to pass along a gift . Her face went slack and I handed her the $ 100 bill . The woman 's hand flew up to her mouth and she burst into tears . In one fluid motion she came out from behind her shopping cart and gave me a huge hug . " God is so good ! " She was crying hard . There was a story here , and lots of hurt . Her older daughter was crying , too . Then the woman said , " Your mother must have been a beautiful person . " " Yes " , I agreed . " She was . " That was it . We didn 't talk long before I went on my way . The two women were still standing there with tears in their eyes when I turned into the next aisle . What a beautiful fall day ! Especially at this time of year , a day like this seems a miracle not to be taken for granted . Louise and I headed out to Thousand Acres Park with our two mutts . The dogs can run off - leash there for miles ; they love it no matter the weather . Of course . I know it sounds awful , but I 'm really not much of a dog person . I find their indiscriminate affection and good humor rather off - putting . Most of them smell bad . In considering dogs , however , I have to admit they have a lot going for them . I could learn something . For example , dogs seem to take good fortune and disappointment equally in stride . Filet mignon or a crumb of dry kibble ? It 's all thrilling to them . Unless they 've been maltreated , dogs expect the best at every turn . A dog would not be surprised to be handed a $ 100 bill . We had a lovely walk . There were lots of people and lots of dogs . On our way back , a young woman and her dog walked by . " Have you seen a yellow lab ? " , she asked . No , we hadn 't seen any unattended dogs . She didn 't seem too worried and we went on our way . We were almost back to the parking lot when we saw an old yellow lab standing rather dejectedly by the side of the trail , clearly on the lookout for its owner . " I bet that 's the dog ! " , said Louise . We decided we would lure the dog over , put it on a leash and find the woman . " C ' mon , girl ! " , we coaxed . It was still a ways away and didn 't budge . Just then the woman and her other dog came up behind us and spotted the lab . " Lucy ! " The dog 's head popped up and she came running . " Oh , we got separated . " the woman explained with relief . The other dog sniffed Lucy 's face all over , nudging her affectionately . Everyone headed to their cars . We chatted briefly with some hunters who were coming back empty - handed . " It 's too nice out . They can see the strings on the decoys . Oh , well . It 's a great day to be outside " , one of them said . I made a detour to the restroom . When I came out I saw the woman by her car . She was giving Lucy and her other dog some water . " I 'm glad she didn 't get lost " , I said . " Me too ! " She had a really sweet smile . I hadn 't planned it but found myself saying , " Can I talk with you for a minute ? " " Yeah ! " , she said , without hesitation . I told her about my project and handed her the $ 100 . " Oh , my god ! For real ? " She gave me a big hug . She told me she 's looking for a new place to live and could really use the money . We talked about my mom for a minute and then she told me that her mother has been sick with a nasty form of brain cancer . It 's been really hard on the whole family . " It 's weird " , she said . " It 's like , when you lose your mother you have to become a whole other person . " She hugged me again . " Thank you " , she said . " This really brightens my day . " Posted by Jill Ginsberg under Giving | Tags : connection , devotion , family , gay marriage , Giving , Inspiration , Month of hundreds , tolerance | [ 23 ] Comments Day 12 of giving away $ 100 a day . I was on my way to get a haircut this afternoon , heading south on Grand Ave . Traffic was flowing pretty smoothly . I noticed a car in front of me over in the next lane with " Just Married " written on the rear window . It still looked fresh . I 'd been to the bank earlier to pick up some more C - notes and had been thinking about my giveaway all day . It crossed my mind that it would be nice to give the $ 100 to the newlyweds . The car - a silver hatchback - pulled ahead , signaled and changed lanes . Looking at the clock , I realized I had a few extra minutes and decided I would follow the car for a few blocks and see what happened . I drove right by my turn and came up behind them . Maybe I could pull up and signal to them to pull over . I rolled my window down in anticipation but they stayed just out of range . I was trying to see who was in the car but couldn 't get a good look . Then I noticed a bumper sticker that said , " If you are against gay marriage , don 't marry a gay person ! " After a few more turns I was starting to wonder if this was really meant to be . Then the car pulled over to the curb and stopped . I whipped in behind them and got out . I ran up to the car and the driver rolled his window down . I could tell he was worried . " Hi ! " , I said . " Did you just get married ? " " Yes , we did " , he answered , glancing at the young man sitting next to him . " Congratulations ! I 'd like to give you a wedding present . " I held out the $ 100 bill and the driver took it , looking dumbfounded . The other guy said , " Oh , no ! You couldn 't ! That 's too nice ! Oh , my god ! Why ? ? " He reached over to shake my hand . They got out of the car , gave me a hug and said I could take their picture . They held up a little banner saying " Just Married " . They wanted to know more about what I was doing and we talked about their plans for the money . Ben said they had gotten married on Sunday and about 100 people had attended . Some of their family in Utah hadn 't been able to make it , so they were saving up for a trip back home in December . They were very grateful . I got to my appointment right on time . It turned out that my hairdresser had spaced out and left early so I just headed home . It was kind of funny how it all worked out .

I told my mom the next morning that I had to go home . She was perfectly fine with whatever I wanted to do . At any other time in my life I probably could have stayed and savored the water , the views , the solitude but I felt somewhat in limbo , not knowing where I stood in my life . I am a " have at it " kind of gal . If there 's a job to be done , I prefer to face it head on and get it over with . The boys were okay with going home too . We packed up our things and left after lunch . I wrote a thank you to Mary and Bill in the guest book they kept in the house . It was a beautiful place to be ; as I close my eyes and look back I see the yellows of my room , the blueness of the skies and water and dazzling night sky filled with stars . The worries whirling around in my head could not be calmed by them . I needed to get my house in order . The drive back home always seems shorter to me , no matter where I travel . It only took about an hour and a half . We missed rush hour and the boys were in the backyard playing in no time . One of the first things I did was to drive to the medical facility and bring back all the boxes and boxes of medical supplies we had been provided . There were so many things left unopened . I called my sister in - law , Christine and asked her about all of the drugs that I had for Rick . My cupboards were full . She said she would drop by later with Danny and take a look . When she arrived and looked , she was astounded at the vast amount of items in " the pharmacy . " As a pharmacist , she had seen so many sick people or spouses of patients who arrived in her pharmacy looking for medication to counteract the effects of chemo or other symptoms of disease . She would be so sad to have to tell them that one pill might cost around $ 300 , which they couldn 't pay . One bottle that she had in her hand was an anti - nausea drug that she told me was worth at least $ 1100 . I had a load of pain - killers which she said was the street addicts ' drug of choice and was worth almost as much . We took load after load into the bathroom so that she could flush them down . It was against the law for them to be re - dispensed or given to anyone else . It just seemed like such a waste . I also felt extraordinarily fortunate that Rick did not have to suffer without these drugs . The medical supply company had come and removed the hospital bed , the bedside commode , the wheelchair and walker . It felt great to reclaim my home . I needed to do some spring cleaning and when I am in the antsy state of life cleaning is a great outlet for that energy . I located the insurance policies and tried to contact the companies . Rick and I had purchased the life insurance almost 15 years before and the company had changed hands several times . I got out the policies and looked them over . I almost keeled over when I read the beneficiary clause that named my brother in - law instead of me . I went ballistic ; I was in a total panic . How could we have made this mistake ? Oh dear god , tell me it isn 't true . Tell me that I will have money to raise my boys with . My mom came in and read it and she said I should call the insurance agent . Now this man must have been a hundred because he was quite elderly when we had purchased the policy from him . When I called the number on the policy , a woman answered the phone and named a different insurance company and told me he had retired 11 years before . Luckily , she did have his phone number and I was able to get him at his home . He asked me to look for particular items within the policy and in about ten minutes , he was able to assure me that I was fine ; I would be the only beneficiary of the two policies . Mom suggested a cup of tea to calm myself with . We sat down and had a cup and my mom started to tell me about the night that my father died . It was weird because I had never heard this tale before . I would think she would have shared this prior to this moment . I knew I had take it as it was being offered . Karen and Paul dropped over to visit with my mom and to see the kids . Michael Sean and Jack were thrilled to see their cousins . They headed out back . It seemed too calm and quiet in the house without Rick to concentrate on . It felt extremely strange . Karen decided to go with me over to the funeral home to retrieve the death certificates . I would need them to submit the paperwork for insurance , to close accounts held in his name , to contact Social Security . We drove over and she was telling me about how things were going over there . Her children were taking Rick 's loss very hard . They had known a lot of children who died and now it was their uncle . I dropped Karen off and told her not to be a stranger and then went home . My mom was putting dinner on when I arrived home . The boys were out playing in the backyard . I had brought in the mail with me . There was a gigantic envelop for me from the Social Security Administration . I had spoken to them a week before . They just happened to call the day after Rick died . When I got on the line , the woman was telling me that he was approved . I told her that Rick had died . She was pleased to tell me that since Rick had been approved , it would only be a case of changing out the form . I still needed to send an additional thousand documents but at least the ball was rolling . I was home and looking at getting things together . I can do this . None of this would be easy but I could get started on the mountain that was before me . I have to get home . I have to get going on figuring out my finances . I have to call the insurance companies . I have to pick up his death certificates . I have to make a list . I have to call Social Security . I have to figure out what I 'm going to do with the rest of my life . I have to move . I have to get a million things done . I have to go for a walk or I 'm going to lose my mind . " Mom , do you mind watching the boys while I go for a walk ? " I asked my mom . Mary and Bill had left about an hour before . We were hanging out in the family room . Jack and Mike were playing their Game Boys in their room ; I got dressed and walked out in the sunshine of the late afternoon . This was such a lovely island . Even though it was spring there were a lot of people around . I waved as I walked by to people who were about their homes . The road was poorly paved and wound around the island . It was a beautiful view of the water near its edge on the northern tip of the island . I could see right out onto the Potomac : it is much wider in this area south of DC . I stood and just stared out over the water , a gentle breeze on my face . I kept walking . I took the road that split the island in two on the way back . These houses were off the shore . I saw one large house that had just been built ; it looked like a mausoleum of sorts . There were huge golden statues of half - naked people in their front yard . It was a bit gaudy and out of place on the island . I could not clear my head of the million worries that were bearing down on me . I passed a house with a lifeguard chair in the front yard . This was a beach motif ; I liked it . It made me think of our backyard at home . Rick and I had put so much time into it with limited funds but we had it looking pretty great , all facts considered . It was inviting and welcoming when you walked out the back door . I had taken a derelict table from my neighbor , Mary . I stained it and placed it in a discreet place in the yard . This was my potting bench . It was against a part of the privacy fence that was on one side of the patio . It was perfect . I kept my garden tools hung up on the fence and beneath the table were my extra pots , fertilizer , potting soil and odds and ends . The best part about its location was the fact that it was secluded . There was a large maple tree in the yard and its branches covered the table ; it could be raining out and I wouldn 't even feel a drop . Yard sales were my best place for locating gems for my yard . I bought two cheap would crates , about six inches high a foot wide and three fee long . I filled the bottom with plastic to keep the soil from going through the slats and filled them with potting soil and then planted snap dragons in them . They looked great . We had a very old shed in the yard when we moved in . Rick and I were on a tight budget ; I knew there was no new shed in our future . I gave it a fresh coat of stain and then painted the hardware a shiny black . When we moved there was no fence in our yard and people frequently cut through on their way back from the store . We had a two year old at home . I wanted him safe and I wanted to be free from worry about him . There was one great weeping willow in the yard and the willow and a plum next to it that gave sublime shade . We later put a jungle gym under those trees . Rick had found an old tire and hung it in the tree for Jack and later Michael . Jack could swing for hours on that . It was great fun . One year the plum tree gave fruit . They were small but delicious . I made loads of plum jam that year ; it was my first and last attempt at anything quite as domestic . I stuck with gardening . We had two Adirondack chairs that were near the shed : Rick and I sat and watched the two boys play while we chatted in the evenings . It was a terrific backyard . I made it back to the house and walked in the through the laundry room . It was pretty quiet in there . Jack was still watching shows . I asked how they were doing and went up to my room . I threw myself the bed , thinking that I needed to go home but I would handle that one tomorrow . The tears came again . I was grateful that my mom was there to handle the boys . I was having a hard time handling me . There is nothing like being on the water . Steve 's friends had left us a stocked refrigerator . I made tea for Mom and got the boys some cereal . The boys came out and wanted to watch television . I took my walk and returned to them getting dressed . My mom sent them into the bedroom to get dressed and washed up for the day . Jack was very antsy about getting outside . I told him I needed him to wait for me . We all went outside together . There were two steps down to the grassy area that led to the sea wall and dock . The dock went out quite far . Michael wanted to go down next to the water , so I lifted him down to the rocky shore and he began throwing rocks into the water . There is something so therapeutic about tossing rocks in the water . I tried to show him how to skip a flat stone . He loved trying . My mom came out and sat in an Adirondack chair that was facing the water . She wore her grieving hat and had her book . It was really relaxing here . Jack told me that he wished he had remembered his fishing pole . I agreed that it would have been nice to have . Jack came down and joined us on the shore , skipping stones on the water . We heard a car pulled up in the drive . I helped the boys up and we went to take a look . It was Mary and Bill , the owners . I went up and introduced myself and thanked them for their kindness . They both came out to the area by the water where we had been . I introduced my mom and the boys . Jack walked out on the dock and Bill walked out on the dock after him . He asked Jack if he wanted to fish . Jack was thrilled . He walked with Bill out to the shed and got set up . In the meantime , we , ladies , went inside to make lunch with Michael who found his Game Boy and started playing . Mary , Mom and I sat at the table by the huge picture window in the kitchen . We sat and chatted about how they knew Steve . I thanked Mary again for her generosity . Mary has the type of personality where you feel as though you 've met her before . My mom chatted with Mary and found out she was from New Jersey too . Mary had been a nun who left the convent . Their children were all grown and off making their ways in the world . I went over near Michael and sat down . I was feeling overwhelmed again . I looked out the window and saw Jack on the dock with Bill . They were standing side by side . At any other time it would have been an endearing view , but it wasn 't to me today . I was hit with the sadness of watching my son fishing with the wrong man , a kind and generous man , but he wasn 't my son 's father . I just let the tears run down my face . It should have been Rick and not this stranger that stood beside my son . I missed Rick and I ached for the lifetime that my boys would miss out on with their dad . Michael looked up from his game and saw me crying . " Oh Mom , what 's wrong ? Don 't cry . Oh , that 's right , Daddy died . " he said and leaned into me on the couch . I would be crying a good long time . Posted by My mom told me that she was going to stay with me for a few weeks on the day of the funeral . What a gift ! I was really rather shocked but so happy that she would be there with me to face the beginning of this new life . Steve called and told me that his friend had offered their house to me and the boys . It was on Cobb Island in Maryland . I never heard of it , but it sounded fine to me . We planned to leave in a few days and of course , my mom would join us . My mom and I went out shopping again . I needed new clothes ; everything I owned was falling off of me . We were in the department store and walking toward the ladies section when I said , " Mom , I need a grieving hat . " My mom replied , " Every widow has to have a grieving hat . " I found a straw hat that I loved and told Mom she needed one too . Remember , I said , " If you can 't have a sense of humor then all is lost . " We had fun laughing and carrying on . it had been such a long time since I laughed or had fun . I was looking forward to this adventure on Cobb Island . Neither of our cars was new , but they were in okay shape . I knew I needed to replace them with one reliable vehicle as soon as possible ; it would have to wait until we got back . I drove the Camry to Cobb Island . It was spring and it was gorgeous in the DC area . Mom kept " oo - ing " and " ah - ing " over the forsythia , cherry trees and the flowers everywhere . It wouldn 't be spring in New York for a few more weeks . Each spring since Jack was a baby , we played " Forsythia . " A game I made up when he was two . Whoever sees a forsythia bush and yells forsythia , wins . When we hit the road we started playing . Michael couldn 't quite say forsythia . It came out a little more like forcynthia which made us all laugh . It was a battle between the two boys in the back . Jack called the bushes on the passenger side and Mike claimed the ones on the driver 's side . They tired of it by the time we were getting on the Toll Road . Jack had his Game Boy in the back seat with him and Michael wanted to play . They began bickering and I didn 't have the patience for it . I pulled over to the next Wal - Mart and purchased a Game Boy with games and batteries for Michael . I wasn 't going allow my two sons to drive me crazy . Jack thought I was insane to buy Mike the Game Boy . I desired peace throughout the land ; I didn 't care how much money it took . We arrived at the island and made our way over the one bridge that gave access to the island . We passed the post office , the restaurant , and the store on the way to the house . It was exciting to see all the different homes and know that our borrowed home was around the corner . We drove into a gravel driveway and parked under the trees . The key was hidden on the outside of the shed in the yard . We unlocked the door and stepped into the washroom and walked through to the kitchen . It was beautiful and welcoming . The front room looked out over to where the Potomac River meets the Wicomico River on the Western Shore . The view was fantastic . The boys were running around looking at the bedrooms and making plans for the one they wanted . My mom preferred the bedroom downstairs ; she could do without the steps . I was upstairs and it was heavenly . The room was painted a pale yellow and was filled with soft blues . The bed was king sized ; it had gorgeous linens . When I got up on the massive bed , I sank my head into a mountain of pillows while looking out the large picture windows that looked out over the water . It was awesome ! I felt soothed by it all . On our first night at the house , we decided to drive over to the bridge restaurant that we saw on our way onto the island . Jack was thrilled to have seafood , something I don 't cook and we enjoyed the view of boats on the water and seagulls sailing through the air . After dinner , we drove around the island just to get a feel for it . It wasn 't very large and perfect for taking a long walk . There was a whimsical feel to the island ; people decorated with all types of themes , a hodgepodge of sorts . We crept along the road and looked out at the cottages and houses ; the island was quaint . There is one road that goes along the outer shape of the island . We crept along the road and looked at all the cottages and houses . We saw houses with beach themes , Italian statues , nautical themes , gingerbread , and everything type of home from gorgeous new homes to simple shacks . When we arrived home , I got the boys settled watching one more cartoon and then sent them off to bed . They said their prayers with me . " Now I lay me down to sleep , I pray the Lord my soul to keep . Guide me Jesus through the night and wake me in the morning light . God bless , Mommy and Daddy and all the buddies that we love . Amen . " Then I put my thumb on Michael 's forehead , made the sign of the cross and said , " God bless you and keep you . " and kissed him . Next was Jack , I blessed him and said , " God bless you and keep you " and kissed him . " Love you , boys , " I said as I closed the door . Mom and I had a cup of tea and read a bit . We were both exhausted and decided to head into bed . " I 'm glad you came , Mama , " I told her . " Me too , " she said . Love you , goodnight . " she whispered . I started my lonely trek upstairs to my room , the yellow room . I had never seen anything quite like it . I loved the huge windows that looked out over the water . It was fabulous . I could see the lights of boats moving out on the water , as well as lights from the different shores that opposed the island . When I turned off the lights and settled in the bed I was able to see the stars too through the skylights in the ceiling . The stars were so bright out in the country . I was thinking how much Rick would have loved it but that wasn 't meant to be . My sleeping pill was beginning to kick in . I closed my eyes to the day . The day after Rick died . I was so restless ; I had to do something . I put on my running shoes and walked out the door . I started walking and didn 't stop . I made a loop , up the hill , through Karen 's neighborhood and around the back way to our house . It was a good mile and a half . As my feet pounded the concrete I said , I have survived one day without him . I have survived one day without him . I have survived one day without him . I have survived one day without him . I have survived one day without him . I have survived one day without him . I have survived one day without him . I have survived one day without him … On the second day , I did the same thing . I tried to walk as fast as I could ; I wanted to feel pain . I wanted to hurt . I felt that if I could hurt , then perhaps my heart would stop breaking . As my feet pounded the concrete I said , I have survived two days without him . I have survived two days without him . I have survived two days without him . I have survived two days without him . I have survived two days without him . I have survived two days without him . I have survived two days without him . I have survived two days without him . I have survived two days without him . I have survived two days without him … Dr . Tiscione told me later that in some tribes in Africa , woman mutilate themselves when their husbands die . I could completely understand them . Walking was a form of self - mutilation for me . On the third day , I did the same thing . I walked out the door and kept going . My feet pounded the concrete and in my head I said , I have survived three days without him . I have survived three days without him . I have survived three days without him . I have survived three days without him . I have survived three days without him . I have survived three days without him … People thought it was great that I was walking . What a terrifically healthy thing to do when one is mourning . On the fourth day , I did the same thing . I walked out the door and kept going . My feet pounded the concrete and in my head I said , I have survived four days without him . I have survived four days without him . I have survived four days without him . I have survived four days without him . I have survived four days without him . I have survived four days without him … The days turned into weeks and then months and then a year . I walked every day for 18 months until I ripped my Achilles tendon and had to stop . I had lost weight and looked great but what did it matter ? I had lost Rick . The morning of the funeral , Patty , my sister told me that she was planning a breakfast at a local hotel after the service . My sweet sister , she had always been there for me and here she was again , taking care of me We had the funeral service , burial and then this small reception afterward . I was dressed and prepared for the day very early . I was ready to get the show on the road . Michael and Jack were dressed and waiting on the couch when the limo arrived . I walked out on the front step and remember seeing a sea of cars in the street and people standing all over my front lawn . Jack was pretty excited about the limo . He was bouncing up and down on the seats and then had his face up against the window . I loved that he was being a normal 12 year old today . Michael was in my arms and looking out the window . My mother in - law was talking to him . When we arrived at the church , many people were already there . Steve met us walking up to the building . I told him , I just wanted to go in and didn 't want to talk to anyone . He brought us back to the community room and I sat there with Michael . He had been up early and it was getting to be his nap time . He was three and a half but still took a nap at the babysitter 's . I sat at the table with Michael on my lap , his head on my shoulder and was greeted by my family as they came into the room to walk in together when the service started . This would be an extremely large procession of both Roszels and Mulherns . I could look out the door and see across to the side door of the church . Hoards of people were arriving . In the middle of the crowd were men walking in with vestments over their arms and hanging from hangers . in their arms , some young , some old . These men were all priests who came to con - celebrate the mass with Steve . They were directed to the room next door . Imagine my sister in - law Eliza 's shock as she was changing her son 's dirty diaper and this group of men barged in the door . I am sure they were as overwhelmed with the smell as she was with surprise . She began to apologize to them and one said , " Really , I think you were here first , no worries . " She quickly picked up the baby and headed into the safety of our room . All in all , there were 28 priests that con - celebrated the funeral mass with Steve . My pastor had walked by the door of the room I was sitting in with my sleeping son up on shoulder and went to greet his fellow priests . He never even acknowledged me . I was saddened again . I wanted this to be a celebration of Rick 's life . I truly felt that if I believed in my faith ; it was not a time of sorrow but a time to rejoice in fact that Rick was called home and that I would see him again one day . The music began ( Here I am , Lord ) and the altar boys led the priests and Steve in procession . The sound of them singing as a group still gives me chills to remember . They sounded like a choir of monks ; their voices made my spirit float into the church . It was hard not to smile . We followed them in and I was met with the faces of many friends . Rick 's casket was already at the altar . Michael had fallen asleep on my shoulder and I carried him into the church that way with his feet dangling and his head in the crook of my neck , with his rosy cheeks of sleep and a face of innocence . I had thought ahead . I brought Michael a Game Boy to play during the service . He woke when I sat down when we arrived . Jack was on the other side of him next to Matt . He was great during the service and it didn 't really matter if he wasn 't . He was surrounded by relatives and any one of them would have grabbed him and put him on their lap . On Eagle 's WingsI can 't imagine how difficult it was for Steve to celebrate this mass . Rick was his baby brother . He talked very openly about Rick 's life and our faith . The service was uplifting and hopeful and seemed to fly by . My mind wanders back to the music which has always been my love . It is such an important part of the liturgical celebration and filled me with contentment and peace . Be Not Afraid The recessional song was the " Lord of the Dance " . This was a song that I had played many times at St . Philip 's at mass . It was Rick 's favorite of mine and of course , we had heard it on our first date . It is such a lively song . As we through the church up the aisle out to the vestibule and walked out into the sunshine of the day , Jack looked at me and said , " Mom , don 't you just feel great ? " I smiled at him and agreed . There was a wall of people filing out of the church . There were more people that I hadn 't seen at the wake . I was feeling a bit overwhelmed at this point . For each day , it felt like I could meter out a certain amount of emotional energy . Each part of the services took a toll . Once I hit overload , I had to turn it off . I headed with the boys to the limo . As soon as my mother in - law got in , we left for the cemetery and burial . The Sterling Cemetery is at the intersection of Cascades Blvd and Church Rd . Rick 's plot is at the top of the hill under a dogwood tree ; a tree that was in bloom on that particular day . I 'm so glad that I picked that spot . For years I have driven by with the boys in my van and yelled , " Hi Daddy , We miss you ! " or " They 're rotten kids , Ricky ; they 're driving me crazy . How could you have left me alone with them ? We love you ! " The burial was quick . We said our goodbyes and went to the restaurant . I was beginning to feel the relief of the ceremonies being over . I was sad but was also feeling very good about how things had gone . More than 500 people came to the services ; they were a great source of comfort to me . Everything was over . I was exhausted and it was time to go . I took my boys and went home . The teachers at school were pretty embarrassed about the whole Valentine 's Day debacle . There were no more calls from Gary and things were looking up . Our first date was on October 15th ; Rick , a hopeless romantic , told me he never wanted things to get old between us so we celebrated monthly on the 15th . My sweet man would send me the mushiest cards each month and I would reciprocate as well . On May 15th I happened to plan a first grade children 's mass and dinner for my class and their families . I played my guitar and the children sang for their families . It was an evening mass and dear , Mary Stevens planned a dinner to follow the mass which she whipped up in the school cafeteria . I invited Rick to come and I 'm pretty sure that Steve and the pastor celebrated the mass . It was a crazy night . My students knew Rick and were talking to him . I had to make the rounds at the tables and then it was clean - up time . I started into the kitchen to help Mary and she kicked me out . " Go , I can do it . You and Rick have some time together . You 've done enough for today . " Rick and I were happy to get out of there . We walked out of the building and I could feel the rush of cold air on me . It felt great . I had run around so much that evening that I was over - heated . The night air was refreshing . Rick walked me to my car and said he would meet me over at my apartment . He followed me . We arrived at my apartment complex and parked . I was so exhausted from the night . I got out of my car and Rick stood at the side of his car and said to hop in . I was a little confused . " What ? " I asked . He got back in the car and opened the passenger side for me . " Come and sit for a second . " he said . I was exhausted and dying to get into comfortable clothes but okay , I got in . Rick looked at me very seriously and said , " I love you , Janie and always will . Jane Anne Margaret Mulhern will you marry me ? " He handed me a box and I opened it to find a beautiful solitaire diamond . This was the kind of moment that just took my breath away . " Yes , Ricky , " I replied grinning ear to ear and we kissed and kissed and kissed . " Let 's go in and call your mom . " I said . Rick told her and she said to come over that she had a bottle of champagne to celebrate . We drove over and arrived at the house and saw Steve 's and Suzy 's cars outside . We went in and there they were , along with Rick 's mom and Mary and Maurie Stevens . Rick had told Mary earlier in the evening so that I would leave the school . She called Rick 's mom and Suzy and told them . They were just waiting for Rick to call and tell his mom . They hugged us and congratulated us and tipped their glasses of champagne to us . I was on my way to a lifetime of loving Rick . By the time Thanksgiving rolled around , Rick and I were pretty established as a couple . He invited me to the Roszel Thanksgiving dinner at his Aunt Kathy 's and Uncle John 's home in Kensington , MD . I was really nervous to meet the rest of his family . I had already experienced Sunday at his mom 's house , Redskins and dinner every weekend . Rick 's brothers had been telling me horror stories about their Aunt Kathy . She was notorious for organizing games which everyone had to participate in . Evidently , there was no saying no to Aunt Kathy . We arrived at about the same time as Karen and Paul and the kids . Rick had gone in the kitchen and we were trooping in behind him . Aunt Kathy and Uncle John were standing in the kitchen ready to greet us all . Rick looked at his uncle and aunt and said , " Uncle John and Aunt Kathy , this is my girlfriend , Karen . " I gave him an odd look . I could hear Karen cackling behind me . " I 'm Jane and it 's so nice to meet you , " I said to his aunt and uncle and then kind of glanced over my shoulder and said , " I have no idea who he is . " There was a roar of laughter from all around me . Poor Ricky , he was a nervous wreck ; he turned bright red and continued walking into the family room . It was 28 years ago and Karen is still talking about it . It was sometime between Thanksgiving and Christmas that I knew that this was it ; he was the one . It is strange how one day we 're talking like a dating couple and somehow overnight we started talking about our future together and our plans . I traveled up to NY to see my family for Christmas . I remember that my mother looked at me and knew that it was serious . She told me that she had never seen me as happy and I was happy . It was difficult to be apart from Rick . I left the farm where my parents lived and took the Greyhound bus to NYC to visit my Aunt Kathleen . She wanted all the details . Over many cups of tea , I spilled the beans , which was great fun . She was dying to meet him . Our plan was to take the train home and arrive in DC before New Year 's Eve . Rick was at the train station to pick me up . He had secret plans for the holiday and wouldn 't tell me anything about it . It was good to be back in his arms . The next day was New Year 's Eve ; we were all dolled up for the occasion . I was wearing a sea foam green dress with heels and looked quite beautiful ; Rick wore a suit and tie . The weather was really bad . It had snowed and the temperature had been hovering around zero since Christmas . When he picked me up he told me that I had to be blindfolded for the ride to our destination . Ah , a man of mystery , I had no idea where we were going . Rick tied a scarf around my head in the car . It was at least a twenty minute ride . It was exciting . He stopped the car and took off the scarf ; there was nothing around but a few dark buildings . We were in a parking lot ; he helped me out of the car . I didn 't know what he was doing and still had no idea where we were . We walked up a path through the snow ; I could see the city lights around us . We walked toward the Potomac River ; I knew because I could see the monuments and at the end of the parking lot I saw it ! It was a large boat . We were going on a New Year 's Eve Party dinner cruise on the Potomac River . It was a magical evening surrounded by the lights of DC and Virginia . The monuments were glowing in the distance . We danced to a live band , ate great food and enjoyed the view from the Potomac . It was awesome . This man knew how to court me . Rick and I hit a couple of snags after the New Year . Gary , my former boy friend , called twice while Rick was at my apartment . The first time I didn 't know how to handle it . I asked him why he was calling . He missed me , blah , blah , blah . I was steamed and hung up on him . I came out and told Rick about it . He was pretty jealous . The second time it happened . He looked at me when I came back from the phone and said , " Jane , I don 't understand why you don 't just hang up on him as soon as you know it 's him , " he was ticked . " Okay , you have a point . I will . " I said and did the next time he called . Around Super Bowl time , I invited my friends Mary and Jack over to watch the game with Rick and me at my apartment . We had made food and were pretty intent on the game . The phone rang and it was him again . Gary said if I would meet him downstairs that would be it . He just wanted to see me . He worked for the telephone company and had tapped into a line in the building with his hip set . He was downstairs talking on the phone . I took the trash down and there he was . " Gary , what are you doing here ? " I wanted to punch him . " I missed you and wanted to see you , " he said . " What happened to you dumping me and not being interested in being a couple anymore ? " I asked . I couldn 't believe him ! He said , " I just wish we could be friends ; I would love to go sail with you again . " " As tempting as that sounds , Gary , " I said sarcastically . " That ship has already sailed . Do not call me again and don 't ever come here again . " I turned around and walked upstairs . I came in the apartment and Mary came over to me in the kitchen . Rick watched the interaction and he knew something was up . I felt like it wasn 't fair not to tell him . He was pretty annoyed with me for going downstairs . We talked about it later and I could see how I hurt him . I would have been devastated had he done the same thing to me . I had never met anyone quite like Ricky . He had awesome blue eyes , a perfect smile and a gentle way about him . He made me feel safe and loved . I could see this situation had made him feel uneasy about us . I was really sad . At school , a week before Valentine 's Day the school secretary started taking bets on what hour of the day Rick would propose . I knew that he wouldn 't propose because of what happened . I told them that I got the money if they were wrong . They insisted that it would be that day so I just let them go on teasing me and on the day after Valentine 's Day I was 14 dollars richer , sad , but richer . Rick and I met on a blind date . Mary Stevens , mother of one of my students at St . Philip 's had me on her radar . A single , young , catholic school teacher needs a single , young catholic man . Mary 's cousin was best friends with Suzy and knew all those single Roszel boys . She decided to work her match - making magic . Believe me ; a single , young catholic school teacher has very little chance of meeting anyone teaching school . As a matter of fact , my social life was pretty limited and my circle of friends small . I came to Northern Virginia following my best friend , Mary who had a teaching position at St . Philip 's . They had an opening at the school and I got an interview . My interview went something like this , " Make sure the children pray every day . Be good to the children . " I was sitting before what looked like the mother superior from " The Sound of Music . " Sister looked like she had put in more than a few years in front of a classroom of children . I was at the Diocesan Office and as quickly as I got there , I was out the door . I was an official catholic school teacher . Our first date was carefully planned by Rick ; we went to Ireland 's Own an Irish pub in Old Town Alexandria . He arrived at my apartment ; it was a little awkward at first , but we got beyond that after a few minutes . We ate dinner , talked about ourselves and listened to the band play Irish tunes . It got a little rowdy with audience participation and so we meandered outside for a walk and then headed back to Annandale where I lived . When we returned to my apartment Rick stayed and we chatted . We had a lot in common with our families being so similar . Overall , the night was a success and he only waited two days to call and invite me out again . However , I had plans , my birthday party at a friend 's house ; I invited him . This was the night that Steve 's worlds clashed ; he was invited to the party and was shocked beyond words when he walked in and saw me sitting next to his brother . They had a good laugh . Word of my dating spread like wild fire throughout the parish , thanks to Mary Stevens . She was pretty proud of herself . Her next step was to put our names on a piece of paper and put it under a statue of St . Ann that she had on her dresser . I had no idea about all of that but she let me know later . Rick and I saw a lot of each other ; he frequently came over after work and would eat dinner with me . One day at school , I was teaching and Sister Jane , the principal came down the hall with an older nun and interrupted and asked me to come to the office . The older nun stayed with my students and we left the room . The principal 's face was flaming red and she looked visibly upset . I was so puzzled . She led me down the hall to the teachers ' lounge and sat me down at the table . She looked very hesitant and then said , " Jane , you have a telegram . " I had never in my life received a telegram . The secretary and the nurse had come down the back hall to the lounge and were looking in at me . They all appeared very concerned . I took the telegram and opened it . It read , " Jane , Happy One Month Anniversary ! I 'll see you tonight . Love , Rick . " I was mortified . I looked up at the principal , the secretary and the nurse and said , " Ah , everything 's fine . I 'm fine . I 'd like to go back to class now . " My cheeks were the ones flaming red now . I got up and headed down the hall . My heart was racing . I had no idea it had been a month . I was making dinner for him but I never put it all together . Sister Jane was convinced that someone had died and that I needed to be surrounded by them in case I fell apart . I told them the story at lunch and those teachers gave me a hard time of it ; I was teased mercilessly . Rick arrived after work at my door . There he stood with a long stem red rose , a present and a card I was being wooed ! We had a good laugh over dinner about the telegram . " I wanted to make it special in some way . I thought that you 'd be surprised , " he explained . " Oh , I was surprised alright , I almost died of embarrassment ! " I laughed . He leaned over and kissed me . " I love you , Jane , he whispered in my ear . " Oh my ! This man is smitten ! Rick gave me a Waterford crystal vase , the flower and the card which was endearing , if not slightly overwhelming . I had only come off another long relationship not long before I met Rick . I wasn 't in quite the same place as he was , but I was getting there . He was just a few steps ahead of me . I remember my mom describing my father 's calling hours to me when I was younger . " Everyone came to see , Jimmy . I know that going can be difficult for people , but I found it so uplifting . I needed to hear how wonderful he was . I needed to hear about his kindness , humor , and love . At a time when I had nothing , I could cling to the words people gave me . Each person who came helped to ease my pain , " she explained . I decided it would be a good idea to sit down and chat with Jack about what would be happening when we got to the church . " Jack , Daddy will be in a casket . Remember , Aunt Kathleen was in one when went to her funeral . Dad will be in the casket and the top will be open . " I explained . I wanted him to know what to expect . " Mom , I 'm a little worried about it , " he said . I told him , " Jackie , I will be right there with you . Uncle Steve , Grandma , Grandpa , Grammy will be there too . It may seem scary in the beginning but he 's our dad . We need to see him . " " Okay , Mom , " he said . We 'll be going first and we 'll have some time with him before anyone else arrives . We 'll go in and see him and say a prayer . I bet it won 't even feel weird after that . " I gave him a hug and sent him off to get ready . " Love you , Babes . " I called as he went into his room . There were loads of people at my house when Steve arrived . He was going to bring Jack and me ; my parents would meet us at the church and his mom was coming with Suzy . My church was a modern church ( renovated since then ) with the altar in the center and three areas of seats around it . The lights weren 't on when we entered the church . The funeral director was there and chatted with Steve . The casket was at the front and to the left of the altar . It was strange to see it there ; it looked out of place in the familiar surroundings of the church we visited for many years . I took Jack by the hand and said , " Ready ? " He said , " Yes , Mom , " and we walked up to see Rick . He looked the same as he had for the past few weeks , puffy , pallid and sick . " Oh Mom , I 'm okay , " Jack said . We said a prayer together and then went to look at the collage that Jack and Suzy had put together that was in vestibule of the church . They were beautiful ! There were pictures of Rick at all ages and many of the boys with Rick . Jack was proud as everyone stood looking at the photos . Karen , Paul and family walked in and Jack walked over to Matt . They had been best buddies since they were born . Karen and I were seven weeks apart when we were pregnant . They have always been inseparable . The boys walked up to the casket to take a look at Rick together . When they finished they went back to the pictures and were talking with their cousins . People started to arrive and we formed a receiving line at the front of the church . I lost track of him for awhile after that . I can 't tell you that I remember everyone who came but when they started coming , they didn 't stop . Many of my friends from school were there . There were so many walking in . I was so happy to see all of them . It warmed my heart to feel their support again . People from all stages of my life came . My childhood friends traveled from NY together . Each person that stood with Rick and me at our wedding came . Parents , students , colleagues from my years of teaching came . There were people from every area of our lives , our pediatrician , Jack 's teachers , friends from school , their parents , his coaches , teammates , his principal came . Between the Roszels and the Mulherns there was a flood of people who arrived to pay their respects . It was overwhelming and at the same time so comforting . Many people had stories and tales to tell about Rick . His childhood friends stood with his brothers telling old stories and laughing about good times . Guys that he lived with in his early twenties were happy to see each other and share a few laughs . I looked up and saw my family sitting in the chairs looking like the doldrums . I walked over and told them , this is a celebration of life , get up and look lively . I told my Mulhern sister in - laws earlier that I expected them to be up and mingling . If I caught their eyes , they popped up and started talking to people . I loved hearing the din of people talking and laughing about Rick . My mother was right . It was so wonderful to see people who knew Rick and loved him . It was a huge gift to me . I felt such support and empathy ; it was a comfort . At the end of the two hours , I searched for Steve and said , " I can 't do anymore . Get me out of here . " He just started to make the transition and told people we would be back in two hours . I was out of there . Steve drove me to Karen 's and Paul 's house where my school had provided a dinner for my family . It was overwhelming once again to receive the generosity of the supportive people I worked with ; they were life - savers . I couldn 't eat anything , still feeling that nauseous pain in my stomach . We weren 't there long before it was time to leave again for the church . Steve drove me back . Jack ran off to be with his cousins . They had discovered the coffee pot in one of the rooms that the church had provided . They thought they were drinking coffee with caffeine and were acting like goof balls . It was nice to see Jack laughing and carrying on for a change . The coffee was decaf , of course , and they were full of pounds of sugar they dumped in their cups . The night was a blur of people coming and going . I saw several of my friends in the back who didn 't get in line to come to see me . I knew it was because of their issues with the death . Remember , I was the one who had avoided dead bodies at all costs . I could see the signs and knew . One friend had been with her dad at age 8 when he died of a heart attack with her at the park . I knew when I saw her weeping that none of that had to do with me ; she was fighting her own demons . It was exhausting to see people for 4 hours . As soon as my watch indicated " overtime , " I told Steve that I needed to leave . He started the closing prayers and that was the end of it . I was dying to go home and just have a cup of tea . I had made it through the first leg of the journey . I could see the finish line . I woke up the next morning at 4 a . m . I remember thinking I should be doing something , breathing would have been a good start . My nose was completely stuffed . I went in the bathroom and took a look at my face and it wasn 't a pretty sight . My eyes were quite puffed out ; most of the red from my crying was gone . However , there were dark circles under my eyes ; I was trashed . My head was aching with pain . I went out to the kitchen and got a decongestant and made myself a cup of tea . I had an itching to do something but I didn 't know what that something was . I called the urgent care center and made an appointment ; I had just taken my temperature and was running a low grade fever . I was sure it was a sinus infection . I called Karen around 8 to see if they were up and if someone could come over and stay with the boys . Jack and Mike strolled out and started eating breakfast and then wandered into the den to watch television . I told them that I was going to go to the doctor and that I would be back . Karen was on her way over to watch them . I could sense Jack 's uneasiness immediately . " Honey , I have a sinus infection ; my head hurts and I just need to see the doctor . I 'll be right back . It 's okay . I am okay . Aunt Karen will stay with you and she 'll call me on my cell phone if you need me . " I said to him , giving him a hug . I kissed Michael and was out the door . Urgent care on the weekends at my medical facility is on the first floor of the building . It can be a " hit or miss " with the doctor you get . I waited in the exam room after the nurse had taken my vitals . When the doctor walked in , I started to get upset . I don 't want to explain this . I don 't want to go through this . Just tell her and get it over with . I told her that I thought I had a sinus infection . I tried to talk but I started to cry . It was difficult for her to examine me . I just broke down crying . I don 't want to be here but if I don 't get medicine , I 'll be sick and I have a lot of things I have to do in the next three days . Get a hold of yourself . I tried to talk again and got a little bit out . I said , " My husband died yesterday that 's why I 'm upset . I have a sinus infection and have been running a fever . " I was sobbing and couldn 't catch my breath again . " Really , I just need an antibiotic . " I said and blew my nose . Yes , it would be Rudolph 's nose . I am blessed with a nose that turns red at the first drop of a tear . The doctor examined me . " Mrs . Roszel , are you sleeping ? " she asked . " No , I replied . I had been averaging about 4 - 5 hours a night . She handed me prescriptions for an antibiotic , a sleeping pill and a sedative . I said , " Why do I need a sedative ? " She said , " You seem very upset and I thought it might help you over the next few days . " I looked at her and tilted my head to the side . " My husband died less than 24 hours ago ; it 's upsetting . I don 't think I need a sedative . " She looked at me and said , " Why don 't you fill it ? Then if you need it , you 'll have it " . I felt like I had just left the Pill - Pushers of America Office . What happens when you 're in pain and they try to drug you up ? Do you feel less pain ? Are you in a mind - altered state ? Do you become so relaxed that you don 't experience the grief and then later it hits you ? I knew that this was going to be tough but it seemed to me I couldn 't run away from it . I needed to cry . I needed to feel the pain , the ache , the heart break . How would I make it to the other side if I didn 't walk through it ? I filled all three of the prescriptions and wrestled with the whole idea on my drive back to Sterling . I walked into my house , went to my kitchen sink , opened the bottle of Xanax and poured them down the drain . Death is depressing ; death is sad . Death is something I needed to grieve and being sedated was not going to help me face this horror for the next few days . People started coming over again sometime in the morning . I asked Michael and Jack to get dressed . My brothers , Mike and Dan , were there and they went out back with them to play around . At about 11 : 00 my parents walked through the door . This is who I was waiting for ; I wanted my mom . She hugged me very tightly and cried with me when she saw me . My dad had that serious , sad - looking face . " How ya doin ' , kid ? " he asked . " Not too great , " was all I could say . I sat next to my mom on the couch and held her hand . Being with her , brought it all up again to the surface where it would light my nose again . It was fine because they were there now . I felt like I didn 't have to think now . My sister , Patty and her husband Michael had arrived and were staying in the local hotel a couple of blocks away . My parents were going to stay with me and I could sleep on the couch . I wasn 't sleeping much anyway ; what did it matter ? All my family came , Jimmy , Tom and Tammy and their girls , John and Helen , Billy , Eliza and the boys . There is nothing like being surrounded by family when you feel so vulnerable . It was hard for them . What could they say ? What could they do ? They could just be with me and love on my boys . The Roszel came too . Peter and Barb flew in from Kansas and Mark and Deb came with the kids from North Carolina . Everyone else lived locally and came to just be with us . Suzy took Jack off to a craft store and started on a project of making a collage pictures of Rick 's life . What a gift for him . He put them together and we had them at the church . My mother and I went off to the mall to get some clothes for the funeral services . I had lost fifteen pounds since Rick was diagnosed and didn 't have anything that fit me . We went to the department store . " Mom , I don 't want to wear black . " I said looking at her for a reaction . " Jane , you should do whatever you want to do , " she replied . " I just feel like I want this to be a celebration of Rick 's life . If I really have faith and believe in everything I 've espoused to all these years , then it 's time for celebration . We found two outfits ; one was a maroon skirt and top and the other a green pant set . I was good to go . I had to think about the boys and make sure that I had everything for them set too . I was totally worn out by the time we left the store . " Jane , you 'll be okay . " my mom said and took my hand . " I know , Mom , I just don 't really want to have to be okay . " " You 're so strong , Jane . I know you 'll be alright . " she said in reply . I let out a big sigh , a " Mulhern " sigh ; the kind that we use to fill in the blanks of life . It 's something between a breath and whine . We all know it when we hear it . We were almost home and I said , " I 'm so tired of being strong , Mom , " and let out another Mulhern sigh . The funeral director , Chris , met us at the door and brought us back to his office . It is funny how solemn they have to act which is understandable but I can be quite irreverent at times and just have to laugh . Steve and I would get to either laughing or crying throughout this meeting . I am not sure that Chris knew how to take us . Every once in awhile he would be laughing in spite of himself . He asked me numerous questions about my church , calling hours , funeral service , burial , cremation , open / closed casket , obituary details and on and on . Since Rick was so young and because our families were so big , Chris felt we were likely to have hundreds of people at the services . The largest room in the funeral home couldn 't handle the masses of people . He suggested that we hold the calling hours at my church 1 - 3 and 4 - 6 , leave the body in the chapel at the church over night and then have the funeral the next day . Everything sounded fine to me , surreal but fine . . Next , we went into the showroom to select a casket ; this really felt like being in a used car lot . I know it was supposed to be dignified but really , the hilarity of the situation just cracked me up . Imagine a southern drawl , " Over he - a , we have the exquisite titanium - covered elite model . This is a true gem , will last an eternity . . . and ova he - a , we have the sleek , solid mahogany hand - crafted presidential model with gold trim . Your loved - one will be comfortable for many years to come . I got hysterical ; it too was funny . Steve started laughing too . If you can 't have a sense of humor at these times , all is lost . One wall was devoted to cement liners ; these would keep the water out of the casket for years . Steve looked at me and said , " I 'm pretty sure it isn 't going to matter where he 's going . " We were laughing again ; I told Chris I would pass on that . So , here I was in the casket parking lot trying to decide which box to put my beloved , deceased husband in for eternity . Chris was nice enough to show us the rest of the models and then leave us for a few minutes . Steve and I would vacillate between laughing and crying every few minutes . Finally , I chose the one that Rick would have liked for its craftsmanship ; it was a Jewish casket , made of redwood . It was simple and beautiful . We went back into the office and continued with paperwork and plans for the big celebration . We left the funeral home with the arrangements made and set off to the cemetery . We drove to the top of the hill and met an ancient - looking woman who was the care - taker , a tiny woman with gray hair pulled back in a pony . She had a book of the plots with her . Steve introduced us and she gave us her spiel on different locations . She turned and looked at me and said , " One plot or two ? " I burst out laughing . Stephen looked at her and told her we needed a minute . She sounded so much like she was offering sugar at a tea : I couldn 't hold it together . " One lump or two ? " I got a hold of myself and looked at Steve and said , " Okay , what do I do ? I don 't know if I need two . " What in the world prepares anybody to have these conversations ? Steve said , " Well , if you remarry and decide you want to be buried somewhere else , they could always throw me in there . " " Alright , that sounds good enough to me . " I walked back to the woman and said , " I 'll take two and I want them here under this dogwood tree . " " Perfect , " she said and toddled back to her truck to get the papers to sign . I was spent . We drove back to my house . There were more people and more food ; I just sat on the couch in a comatose state and watched everyone go by , like I was watching from outside of my body . I was longing for my mother . Why is that no matter how old I get , when the chips are down , I still want my mother ? I guess just the thought of my mom conjures feelings of safety , warmth and comfort . It was a day well spent . I knew in my heart that this was going to be a celebration of Rick 's life , not the dirge of death . I wanted people to remember all the wonderful things that made Rick the special man he was . If I could have had a party , I would have . I would have preferred music , food and dancing . I guess that 's the Irish in me . Yes , I was sad , but I wanted to celebrate Rick . I believed he was in heaven and that was something to rejoice in , regardless of how much my heart ached . We left the hospital . Paul , Karen , Steve and I headed for the kids . The sun was shining ; it was a beautiful spring day . We walked into Paul 's house and the kids were downstairs playing . My mind was set on Jack . I was happy that I had taken a few minutes before I left in the ambulance to tell him that Rick died . I started down the stairs to the basement when he came running up the stairs and looked up and saw me . " Is he okay , Mom ? " My heart dropped to my stomach . " No , Jack , he 's not okay . Daddy died . " I said . " No , not my dad , not my dad ! " he yelled as he burst into tears . He climbed the stairs to me and I sat back on the stair and held him . We both cried . I walked with him to the living room and held him in my arms on the couch . He was sobbing . Of all the pain I have had to bear in my life , watching my sons grieve the death of their father has been the most painful for me . I rocked him like a baby . All of his cousins came in , Bobby , Christine , Matt and Stacy ; their faces were tear - stained and full of shock . Paul said , " Let 's say a prayer for Rick . " I don 't remember what we prayed . I only remember holding Jack and Michael Sean by my sides and crying . I didn 't want to let them go . I told all of them I needed to go home . They all came to our house . Karen started calling all my family and Paul had started on his way to check on Rick 's mom and to bring her back out to our house . I sat on the couch in my living room while my friends and family came and cleaned and scrubbed and straightened my house . My friends , Pam and Carl , showed up almost immediately with coffee , drinks , lemonade , ice and a huge cooler . As quickly as they came , they slipped out , not wanting to be intrusive . My friends Linda , Teresa and Norma cleaned , vacuumed and washed everything in sight . People started arriving with food ; they sorted it , arranged it , and stored it . These angels thought of everything and yet somehow remained in the shadows . Linda and Norma would greet my family at the door and invite them in , settle them and get them something to eat or drink . The phone rang and Linda brought it to me . " It 's Loudoun Hospital , " she told me . " Hello , " I said into the receiver . " Mrs . Roszel , this is Nurse Woodard from Loudoun Hospital calling . I understand that your husband , Richard Roszel died today . About three hours ago . . I 'm sorry for your loss " . Where was this going ? " I 'm calling to find out if Richard was an organ donor , " she said . " No , he wasn 't . " I replied . " Mrs . Roszel , would you consider donating Richard 's organs ? " she asked . " I would be happy to donate any organ but Rick had multiple myeloma , bone cancer ; I don 't think you could use any of his organs . Can you ? " There was an audible pause . " Mrs . Roszel , no , I don 't think it would be possible . I 'm sorry to have bothered you . " she said and then we hung up . I couldn 't help but think that someone didn 't do their homework on Rick . It was a strange conversation ; I wished that I could have given any part of Rick 's body to help . It might have taken a bit of the sting out of the day . My boys were outside with their cousins , playing on the swings , climbing in the fort or throwing the ball around . I could see them pass the dining room window now and again . Every 15 minutes or so Jack would wander back into me and say , " Mom , are you okay ? " " I 'm okay , Jack . You go and play . I 'm right here , " I replied . It 's funny how quickly I began making decisions in my mind . Jack is not going to be burdened with taking care of me for the rest of my life . He 's a child and deserves to be a child . Michael does not need to go to the wake but he can come to the funeral . I want that hospital bed gone and I want my house put back together again . I felt immobile at this point . I felt the weight of the worry gone but I was washed with the sadness of trying to fathom my life without Rick . Every dream , every hope , every wish of my life was filled with Rick and suddenly he was gone . It was hard to " just be " without him , already . I am happy that I have such a big family . They started to arrive and of course , because our family is so big , they didn 't stop coming . Steve arrived with his " priest " tools and started to talk to me about the services for Rick . Steve and I have been friends for a very long time . I knew him from St . Philip 's , my first teaching experience . I knew him four years before I met Rick . I played guitar and sang at the school masses ; Steve and I planned together before the start of mass . He was a young associate pastor , played guitar and came to my class and entertained my first grade students . Steve said he would go with me to make the funeral arrangements the next day . He scheduled an appointment with Adams - Greene Funeral Home and another with the Sterling Cemetery . I had never made arrangements for anyone before so this was all new to me . My mother in - law hugged me when she walked into my house . We sat on the couch feeling overwhelmed by it all . We both said we couldn 't believe Rick was gone . I couldn 't begin to understand her pain , the pain of losing a child . My heart ached for her . In that moment , it seemed the focus was on me , perhaps because I had instantly become the weeping widow . I felt catatonic but I was acutely aware of how Rick 's loss impacted us all . We were all grieving , with no grief greater than the next . Rick meant a lot to many people . It had been 13 weeks from diagnosis to death . Every one of those days I spent being so burdened with the anxiety of all that lay before me . I don 't know what I was expecting when Rick died but it wasn 't the calmness that I felt sitting there . I was so astounded at my reaction . The grief I felt had started 13 weeks before . Each day and every little piece that the cancer chipped away from Rick was a part of my daily grief . I suppose I was expecting the big fireworks at the end . It had been a rough day but the fireworks had been going on for 13 weeks and today was just the first day of the rest of my life . Jack had an early baseball game and Karen was going to drop Michael off on the way . Michael came running up the steps and burst in the house . " I 'm home , " he shouted and we waved to Karen and the boys in the van as they left . " Come here , pal , " said Rick and Michael Sean came over and put his head in Ricky 's lap . Rick hugged him . Mike said , " Mom , can you turn on my shows , please ? " Rick was sitting in the living room in his chair looking out the window ; this was his favorite spot to watch the cars and see things coming and going on street . " I 'll get you some cereal , " I said on my way into the kitchen . I came back and handed it to him . Just then , Karen pulled into the driveway . I opened the front door ; it had started to rain . Jack came in with is uniform on and said . " They canceled the game . " " Okay , Jack , go change and take those cleats off outside , please , " I said . " Hi Dad , love you ! " he shouted as he ran past Rick and went to change . I took Rick 's bowl into the kitchen . " Mom , I want Blue 's Clues , " yelled Mike from the den . " I 'm coming , " I said . This was Mike 's favorite website ; he loved playing the preschooler games . I went in and started to log on . We could hear the low screaming of the modem as the computer was connecting to our server . " I know how to do it , " Michael said . I looked at him and said , " Oh , sweetie , I know you do " Jack had just turned a program on the television and was settling in on the chair to watch his cartoons . I got up and walked to the living room . Rick was sitting in his chair but he was rather slumped . " You , okay ? " I asked . He didn 't reply his mouth was opening and there was air coming out of his mouth . I ran to him . " Rick ! Oh , my god ! Jack , call 911 . Oh , my god , help me ! " Jack ran into the room . His face was white . He picked up the phone . " Mom , Mike is on the computer ! " he told . " Oh , god , " I screamed . " GO GET TERESA ! " Teresa was our neighbor across the street . It was a miracle that she was up and dressed when Jack came banging on her door . She even had her shoes on . She came flying across the street behind Jack . I had gone into the den and was trying to disconnect the computer to get the phone line . I kept banging my foot on the floor in frustration . The cord of the phone reached into the living room and I was watching Teresa trying to get the chair in a flat position to give Rick CPR . This was really like one of those nightmares where everything is in slow motion and every second seems to last for an hour . The panic was coursing through me . The computer disconnected and I finally had a dial tone . I dialed 911 . The operator came on and said . " This is 911 . What is your emergency ? " My head was a jumble and my mouth couldn 't speak . I had this dream before , where I need to talk or scream but nothing comes out . I could hardly breathe . " My husband is dying ! He 's not breathing . Oh , god , come soon . Get here ! He 's dying ! " I was screaming and pleading into the phone . " Ma ' am , calm down . Give me your address , " she said in a firm voice . " 607 E . Poplar Rd . " I blurted out . " We 'll send someone right away . Stay on the phone with me , " she said . " No ! " I replied . I hung up the phone and went to help Teresa . While Teresa and I tried to give Rick CPR , I said , " Jack , call Aunt Karen . " He got on the phone . " Something happened to my dad . Come , Aunt Karen ! Come now ! " He was crying and jumping up and down in a panic . " Where are they , Mom ? " he said with pleading eyes . We lived less than a half mile from the fire station . Neither of us could hear the sirens . He grabbed the phone and called 911 again . " Where are you ! ? My dad is dying ! " he screamed into the phone . They kept him talking on the line . Teresa and I continued to give him CPR . Rick is dying . This is it . I can 't believe that this is how I will lose him . You can 't leave me , Rick . I am not ready for this . I don 't want you to die ! How can you leave me alone ? I don 't want to do this . Karen ran in the house . She grabbed Jack and Michael and went into the den . I could hear her voice . " It 's going to be okay . The ambulance will be here soon . " There was terror in her voice . Jack was crying . Finally , we heard the sirens and the ambulance and fire trucks pulled up on the street . The man who walked in my house was the sweet , older man , the EMT from our second trip in the ambulance . He looked at me with his kind eyes and said , " Does he have a Do not resuscitate order ? " " No , " I said . The two EMTs pulled Rick off the chair and onto the floor and started working on him . Teresa had come over to me and had her arm around my shoulder . They were trying to get a line in his veins put couldn 't find one . He 's going to be a vegetable . I 'm going to have to decide whether or not to pull the plug . I can 't do this anymore . I don 't want to do this . Why didn 't you sign the paper , Rick ? My mind was gone . I was looking at this but it didn 't seem like I was there . He 's dead . This has been too long . He can 't survive this . Oh , I can 't take anymore ! The EMTs moved Rick 's body to the stretcher and then to the ambulance . They continued to work on him in the ambulance . Karen had the boys in the den . Jack was crying and Michael didn 't really know what was going on . I walked into the den . " Go with them , " Karen said . " I 'll bring them to my house and then I 'll follow you to the hospital . " I turned around to leave and I heard Jack say , " Is it going to be alright ? Is my dad going to be okay ? " " Everything 's going to be okay , Jack , " I heard Karen say . My " motherhood " kicked in . Oh no ! EVERYTHING ' S NOT GOING TO BE OKAY ! I turned around and went back to my baby . " Come here , Jack , " I took him into the living room and sat on the couch . I said , " Jack , Dad is probably dead . I have to go to the hospital with them so the doctor can look at him but Dad is dead , Jack . It 's going to be okay . I 'll come to Aunt Karen 's and get you . Take care of Michael . " I kissed him and I kissed Michael and then I walked out the front door into the sunshine to the ambulance that was sitting in my driveway and hopped in the front seat . It was a very long ride to Loudoun Hospital . These people are crazy . This is an ambulance . My husband is dead . Get out of the way . We pulled into the emergency entrance and they backed the ambulance in . I got out of the truck and the men told me to wait a second . Nobody moved toward the back of the ambulance . Then a well - dressed woman came outside and walked toward me . " Hi , Mrs . Roszel , I 'm blah , blah , blah . Come with me . " So this is what they do when your husband dies … they bring someone out to " handle " you . I walked with her and she led me down a hall to a door that opened into a small room with two love seats and a chair . She sat down with me and said , " The doctor will be here in a minute to talk to you . " He 's dead . Would someone just tell me he 's dead ? Karen came in and the woman got up and left . Calmness was settling in on me . I knew that Rick was gone and I was beginning to feel a great relief . Rick will not have to suffer anymore . He will not be in pain anymore . He will not go to NIH . He will not have to suffer through a bone - marrow transplant that probably will not work , no more radiation , no more chemo , and no more medications . Okay , God , I can handle this because he is with You . This is not what I wanted but Rick won 't suffer anymore . The doctor opened the door and walked in the room . He introduced himself . He sat down and said , " Mrs . Roszel , we tried everything that we could but Richard died . " I looked at him and said , " I know ; it 's okay . " Karen was crying very hard . We held each other and the doctor left . We were talking but I don 't remember what we were saying . Paul was on his way to the hospital and they were trying to find Stephen . I kept thinking of my babies . I wanted them . I wanted to comfort them . I wanted to hold them and not let them go . We would be okay but there would be a huge hole in our life . An older priest walked in the door . I 'm Monsignor Kelly , I 'm the chaplain here . I am so sorry for your loss . " " Thank you , Father , " we said . He came in and sat down and started to chat with us . A nurse knocked on the door and came in and asked if we wanted to go see Rick . I said , " Yes . " Karen wanted to wait for Paul and so I left her with the chaplain . I was calm . I want to see him . I want to be there . We have shared life every day . We made a family , two beautiful boys . I want to see him now in death . I walked into the area with the curtains surrounding us . Rick was still . He was dead . All I could feel was peace . This was the first time in months that his body wasn 't racked with pain . I held his hand and put my head on his chest . I will miss you , my love . I didn 't shed a tear . I was okay . I kissed his hand and walked back to Karen Paul came and Stephen finally got the message . Watching each of them bear the sorrow and grief of their baby brother 's death was hard . I went into say goodbye to Rick one more time before we left . Several hours had gone by and Rick 's ear had begun to turn bluish . I had to keep that picture of him in my mind . I would go back to it many times in the months and years that lay ahead . Now , I was going home to my babies . I had the weight of the world on my shoulders . It was the dread of the transplant . It was the right choice but it was also scary . I drove home from work and went to Doreen 's to pickup Michael . He was talking all the way home . I drove down the hill toward our home and looked at our front yard . It was a beautiful day ; everything was beginning to bloom and there in front of me were Jack and Rick playing catch , each with a glove . I arrived in the driveway and they waved to me . I couldn 't believe my eyes . Jack was jumping with excitement . " Watch , Mom ! " he smiled and threw Rick the ball . Rick was standing with his cane leaning on his hip and threw the ball back to Jack . " That is awesome , guys ! " I walked over and gave Rick a kiss . " Hi , sweetie ! " he said . Michael and I sat up on the bench in front of the house and watched them until it was time to go in . It was Friday night and Karen called and offered to take the boys for the night . Jack and Matt had a baseball game the next morning . We had four days before Rick would leave for NIH for the bone - marrow transplant . Karen picked them up and Rick and I had the house to ourselves . We were very scared at the thought of what was to come . Two of my friends from my masters program were bringing dinner . " Rick , they 're coming in a little while . Why don 't we have them witness you signing the living will and that way it will be behind us ? " I asked him . " Janie , I just don 't want to be seen . I look so awful . I 'm not up to it , " he replied . I couldn 't argue with him ; it was really his choice and I felt certain that NIH would probably encourage him to take that step next week . I got the meal together and we ate in the den . Rick sat in his chair and I was on the end of the hospital bed . We chatted and finished eating . I cleaned up and went back to join him . I sat down on the floor between his feet and put my head in his lap . He stroked my hair ; I started to cry , " I 'm really afraid , Ricky . " " I know , " he said , " I am too . " " I don 't want you to go away from me . Every time you have that chemo , you 're gone . I 'm afraid you won 't come back , " I sobbed . He leaned over and kissed my head . " I love you so much and I don 't want to lose you , Rick , " I sobbed . " It will be okay , Jane . I love you too . We 'll get through it . " We sat there for a very long time together . That night we decided to skip the hospital bed and slept in our own bed . It had been months since Rick even walked in our room . It was possible that we wouldn 't be together for a very long time . Rick was feeling pretty well and was walking with the cane . I put lots of pillows around his head and under his legs so that he would feel supported . We both fell asleep as soon as our heads hit the pillow . I woke later and I put my hand out and touched the band of his pants . Yes , he was there . I turned over and went back to sleep . Posted by They say hindsight is 20 / 20 . We went through the last year with the subtle pieces to the puzzle , but nothing that smacked us in the face with what this was . There were dots that appeared but not enough that we could connect them and know what we were dealing with . In September , we were at Karen 's and Paul 's house . We often watched football with their family ; the kids played and we 'd eat our Sunday meal together . It was a weekly ritual . During one of these times , Karen was challenging the kids to arm wrestling matches . Rick began to wrestle his nephew , Bobby who was around 18 at the time . While they were straining and groaning something popped in Rick 's bicep and hurt . Bobby won the match which was unheard of ; Rick was really injured . In hindsight , many people thought it would have been better to have known sooner about Rick 's cancer , not me ! We had a whole year of not knowing he was sick . We had his birthday and didn 't know it would be his last . We went to the beach with Karen and Paul and brought back great memories of time spent together . We would have been robbed of the memories of sleeping as a little family in the upstairs room with no air conditioning , the two boys on futons on the floor and Rick and me in the double bed . In the middle of night the bed suddenly collapsed on the floor . We didn 't know what hit us but we were hysterical as we had heard tell - tale stories of the bed before . We would have missed the storm that later hit the lake ; it felt like we were in Kansas with winds whirling and roaring through the trees around the house . We would not have noticed the green , yellow , blackish sky as we left at 5 a . m . headed for Virginia . Our opportunity to see Jack play his last season of fall baseball , without the worry of whether it would be Rick 's last season to watch him play , would have been lost . Our last anniversary was November 24 , 1998 . Karen watched the boys for us and we went to Old Town Alexandria for the weekend and celebrated without knowing any of it . We had a very special Christmas at our home . Michael Sean was 3 and so much fun . He was just at the point of being able to talk nonstop which made it all the more special . Steve invited us out for the Children 's mass on Christmas Eve : Michael was dressed like a shepherd with a brown towel wrapped around his head and a bathrobe on . Rick , Jack and I sat with Paul 's family and enjoyed every minute of watching him up there . These were precious times that no one could take from us . New Year 's Eve was spent at home with the boys and our nephew , Matt came over to hang with us . We all wore party hats , used noise makers , ate special snacks and drank sparkling cider from fancy stemware . I was very happy that none of this was taken from us . Once Rick was diagnosed and our world was turned upside down , it was hard to be anything but serious . In the tense times , it was Jack 's and Michael 's sweetness through it all that helped us go on . We needed them there to put a smile on our faces and know we were blessed to have them , despite anything else . About a year and half after our first son , Jack , was born , Rick went to a Redskins football game . His friend , John went with him ; they took the Metro into the stadium at RFK . I didn 't mind ; Jack went to sleep early and I had started a 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle . I had the game on and it was over around 9 : 30 p . m . I was making great progress on the puzzle . At around 11 : 00 o ' clock , I decided to go into bed , thinking Rick would be home soon . I went to sleep and was startled when I woke up and happened to look at the clock . It was 1 : 00 in the morning . Oh my god ! He 's dead . I 'll be a widow ! He 's dead . Don 't be dead , Rick . I headed toward the closet and got my clothes on ; I wanted to be dressed for the police when they came to the door . My heart was beating like crazy . I walked out to the dining room and started pacing . I sat down and put a few pieces in the puzzle and then , I couldn 't take it anymore . I decided to call Steve ; he went to the game . He had season tickets ; if he wasn 't home then maybe Rick was okay . I dialed the rectory at 1 : 30 . A groggy Steve answered the phone . " Steve , it 's Jane . What time did you get home from the game ? " I asked . " It was a little after ten . Why ? What 's going on ? " he asked . " Um , Rick went to the game with John and he 's not home ; I 'm a little freaked out . " I replied , trying not to cry . He said , " I had a parking pass and didn 't take Metro ; it 's much faster . I 'm sure he 'll be home soon . " I thanked him and hung up . I went back to the puzzle . I have an 18 month old baby and now , I 'll be a widow . Please don 't be dead . Please don 't be dead ! Do the puzzle , Jane . He 'll be home soon . I worked on the puzzle and cried and wiped my tears . At 2 : 30 I heard the keys in the door ; I just sat there . " You 're up , " he said . I looked at him ; my nose was red and the tears were streaming down my face . " What 's wrong ? " he said as he came near the table . " You have no idea what you put me through , " I said very calmly . " I can 't even speak to you . " I got up and walked into the bedroom . He followed me . " Janie , I 'm sorry , " he said . " John and I went out to breakfast and time got away from us while we were talking . " " You couldn 't call ? " I managed to say . " I didn 't want to wake you and the baby , " he explained . " Rick , I thought you were dead ! I got up and got dressed to wait for the police to come tell me , " I sobbed . " Oh gosh , Janie , I 'm so sorry , " he hugged me to him and I cried and cried . " Rick , you know my father died in a car accident ; I couldn 't take it if you died . These things happen to people . Next time , wake me up . " I don 't remember death being scary to me when I was little . I remember describing heaven to my parents when I was about four . We were on their bed and I was telling them how God had wheelchairs and crutches for the people who had died and were in heaven . They were all pleasant thoughts . I could see my daddy there . Sometime after that , Nanny , my father 's mom , dragged me all over Yonkers and the Bronx to get to some Italian funeral home . It was the summer and it was hot ; she had me in a dress . We walked up the steps into the building ; I was getting a creepy feeling . It was too quiet and there was an organ playing soft music . She was talking to some men in black suits ; there weren 't that many people there . They were old and wearing black . Next thing I knew , I was kneeling on a kneel - er , staring at some old dead guy in a box . He was waxy - looking and frightening . Nanny blessed herself with her rosary beads , got me up and then walked out of the building . She bought me a hot dog from a street vendor and I think we went to visit an older relative ; I don 't remember it all but the face of that man was branded in my memory for life . My family lived in Cortland , NY , population ; 25 , 000 . We attended Catholic school . With eight children in our family ; we didn 't go anywhere and we didn 't do much of anything as a family outside of our house , our backyard , or the lake . All of our relatives lived around New York City . We didn 't get many invitations to visit . We weren 't related to anyone in town . My parents didn 't know too many people beyond the few neighbors that surrounded our house . Whenever anyone died in the family , my father would go down to the city for the services . When we were older , my parents would take the " little guys " ( four youngest ) and the " big guys " ( four oldest ) stayed home under my sister 's supervision . This worked for me because I had no desire to go see more dead people . At school , there was a funeral home next to the building . My class had front row seats to the pain and suffering of almost every family in Cortland . The limos and hearse would drive up just outside the windows of the classroom . We 'd watch them go in and we 'd watch them go out , all in a day at school . On special occasions when it was someone who was connected to the school in some way , several classes of students might walk over to the church for the funeral service . Two students in my eighth grade class had parents who died during the school year . Our class was invited to attend the calling hours . You can be assured those were two days of school I missed , no dead people for me ! I had friends who grew up in town , whose families had lived there for generations ; they were all big funeral people . Not only were they funeral people , they would have to go over to the rectory and get a mass card for the family . My family didn 't know anyone so it wasn 't part of what we did but I was amazed to see how well - versed my young friends were in " death " . I managed to make it all the way to the age of 26 without ever laying eyes on another dead person . My grandmother had really done a number on me . One month before our wedding , Rick 's grandfather died suddenly at 96 . I decided that an engaged , twenty - six year old should face her fear and go to the ceremony with Rick 's family . It was an interesting trip . We arrived and stayed with Rick 's , Aunt Mary . The calling hours were that night at the local funeral home . We all trudged over and I was doing fine . Hurray ! I could face a dead person and not totally freak out ; this was progress for me . However , I wasn 't prepared for what happened next . My brother in - law , Steve began saying the prayers to close the calling hours and then it was time to leave . Rick 's grandmother , Grammy Gagnon , literally , threw herself on top of her husband in the casket and yelled , " Don 't take him from me . I can 't say goodbye to my best friend . How can I say goodbye ? I don 't want you to go , " she begged and sobbed . I was a wreck ! I hadn 't bargained for this . All of a sudden I could see clearly into my mother 's pain of losing my father . Now , I could see clearly into what would happen if Rick died . I had never felt vulnerable to death . Being engaged , I had everything to lose . I wasn 't prepared for this . I was so focused on not seeing dead bodies ; I didn 't see how the real loss of a loved one would affect me . I couldn 't stop crying . The next day at the funeral , Rick and his brothers were pall bearers . I drove in the limo with my mother in - law and sister in - law , Suzy . When we were going into the pew during the procession , I somehow ended up sitting in between my mother in - law and her grieving mother . I was a basket - case . I was so overwrought with my emotions ; I was a blubbering idiot . I couldn 't catch my breath and I didn 't have enough tissues for the occasion . The fear continued to build in me all the way up to our wedding day and after . Four months after we were married , Rick had a blocked sinus . He had numerous sinus infections and a deviated septum ; the doctor had decided to operate . Rick went into surgery and after about three hours the doctor came out to speak to me . He was doing fine . They would call me when they were ready to have me bring the car around . I went to the post - op area and they brought me to Rick . There , he lay on the gurney looking like a corpse . I was totally freaked out . I started to cry . The nurse said I needed to dress him to get him ready to go home . Now , the wise woman would have told that nurse she was crazy that he was not going home and needed to be admitted but I was out of my league . This was my first dealing with someone having surgery . I didn 't know this was wrong . I managed to get him dressed . Somehow , they put him in a wheelchair and got him to the car ; it was a rough ride . All the way home , I could see what I couldn 't get out of my head ; . Rick would be like that when he died . I was already dreading the day and I didn 't want that day to ever come . Jack was a little nervous the first day but once he made it into a boat , he was in heaven . I met my class in the office . There was Charlie . . . I remember my mom describing my father 's calling hours to me when I was younger . " Everyone came to see , Jimmy . I know that going . . .

" Fine , " said the cat . " I will . " With a flick of his tail and a gravity - defying leap , the cat perched himself upon the mantle . " We have been living in this house for three weeks now . Three long , boring weeks . Other than to pick up food and bring it back here , how many times have you left ? I have been hinting and hinting that you need to go outside and do something since day two . It 's not because anyone cares if you show up for a party . It 's not because anyone cares if you go out and hit on chicks . It 's not because anyone cares if you bathe or brush your teeth . " Because despite what you tell yourself day in and day out , you 're miserable . You can 't stand the idea that other people 's lives are moving on while yours is not . Do you know why your life isn 't moving on ? Because you aren 't pushing it ! " Lives are stubborn things , " the cat continued . " They tend to persist in whatever gear you set them in . Overly busy people find it difficult to slow down . Their lives just blow past them out of control leaving them wishing they had brakes to slow them down . " " And you have done a masterful job of not moving too fast in life . " The cat dropped from the mantle and in one swift motion , settled on the arm of the man 's chair . " Your problem is the exact opposite . " The cat paused to lick his paw for a long moment , seemingly waiting for his point to sink in . After getting no response from the man , he continued . " Have you ever seen a car that hasn 't been used in years ? It rusts . Things quit working . Getting it up and running again is a major chore . Your life right now is an old , rusted out lemon . If you don 't start doing some work on it , it 's going to continue to get worse until your only option is to sell it in pieces . Judging from the stack of empty bottles piling up over there , you won 't get much for your liver , and based on the amount of bacon on your plate this morning , I wouldn 't expect much for your heart either . " " You know what ? " the man shouted as he leapt from the chair . " I am so sick and tired of your condescending attitude . You think you 're so much better than me ? What have you done to keep your life moving ? Huh ? Maybe your life is a rusty old lemming ! " " See ? That 's exactly what I 'm talking about ! " The man was pulling his hair and flailing his arms in frustration . " You think you know everything about everything . But you know what ? You don 't ! You can 't read my mind . For all you know I meant lemming . Maybe I think your life is just waiting for an excuse to run off a cliff ! " The sound of the front door forced the man to look up and see his roommate walking in with a sack of groceries . " Dude , " the roommate said . " Are you seriously yelling at the cat again ? " He couldn 't remember a time before the void . Every memory he had was of this crushing darkness . He remembered that there was a time before , but he had no idea what it had been like . His earliest memory was of screaming and getting no response . His surprise over this lack of response was the only evidence he still held that there was supposed to be anything but silence . He opened his eyes at the sound of the small feminine voice . Sadly , no one was there . Was it possible that he had imagined the voice ? Yes . In fact , it was likely . He closed his eyes . " Yeah ! It 's been like , two months ! Omigod ! I heard you scream and then , like , I started trying to figure out where it came from . You 've screamed , like literally a million times since then . " The speck grew so bright that he could not look at it anymore . However desperate he was to keep his eyes open , he could not . Even with his eyes closed , however , he could still see how bright his world had become and it continued to grow brighter . Before long , it was so bright that even with his eyes closed , he wanted to close them again . " Yeah ! The veil 's , like , pretty weak right now . I could bring you over to this side of it in , like , a second . It would be literally no work at all . " This new world he was in seemed to be the opposite of the void in which he had spent the entirety of his conscious existence . Where the void had been vast darkness in which he 'd searched for light , this world seemed to be all light , leaving him searching for some point of darkness where it was safe to look . He found that in the silhouette of a small dog a feet feet in front of him . The light suddenly faded away and , as he opened his eyes again , he found himself staring back into the void . He began to consider the possibility that he had dreamed the entire even . He couldn 't take it . The fact that that was even a possibility began to drive him insane . " You heard him , " said Arabella . " Get your asses in gear . " The trio ran as fast as they could , dodging curses left and right on their way to the cave 's entrance . As Luna turned to run back to help their mentor , she was met by the glowing tip of Arabella 's wand . " Don 't you dare , " said Arabella . " Don 't you dare make his sacrifice worthless . " Her eyes seemed cold and empty , but the tears welling up in them softened her words . " No one else dies today . You hear me ? " The trio regrouped at the bottom of the staircase that led to the cave . Arabella looked over her companions ' tattered clothes and battle - weary faces . The scar across Luna 's nose looked darker and fresher than ever . Colin was sitting on a rock , staring out at the ocean . He hadn 't said a thing since the second battle of Hogwarts . Losing a brother changes you . " A rough day ? " The look on Luna 's face melted from incredulity to hysteria . " A rough day ? This was not a rough day . Do you even realize what just happened ? " " It 's been a rough day , " Arabella raised her voice and pressed on , " but if we sit here , things aren 't going to get any better . Now wipe those tears out of your eyes and let 's get some distance between us and this place before someone comes to investigate . Alright ? The Order needs to know what just happened . " " The Order already knows " said a deep , accented voice behind them . Colin seemed to take no notice , but Arabella and Luna turned to find themselves facing a Patronus in the form of a lynx . " Edgar and Emmeline are on their way to clean things up . You three need to get back here as quickly as possible . Do you understand me ? " The Patronus walked past them both and stood next to Colin . The lynx told him something too quietly for either of the girls to hear and Colin nodded . Then , it was as though the lynx had never been there . Colin got to his feet , gave the sea one more long look , and turned to face his companions . His eyes were set and more focused than Arabella had seen them in years . He nodded , placed a hand on each of the girls ' shoulders and closed his eyes . For a moment , Arabella was sure it was going to fail again , but then she felt a tug behind her navel that she had never grown accustomed to . When the world resolidified , Arabella quietly left her companions behind and walked to her room . Tonks , her roommate , was already inside , sitting at the desk . " Was it really that bad ? " Arabella closed the door and collapsed to her knees . " He 's dead . " Arabella raised her head to look up at the only person left in the world that she truly felt she could call friend . " Alastor 's dead . " She had expected more of a reaction from Tonks than she was getting . " Didn 't you hear me ? ! " she screamed . Tonks finally reacted with the fire Arabella had expected . " What do we do ? The same damned thing we 've been doing since the war started again . " Tonks dropped down next to her roommate to look her directly in the eyes . " You 're Arabella Potter , right ? The one who single - handedly stopped the Fletcher Gambit . The one who invented the Butterfly Hex . The one who , when she couldn 't find her wand , drove a knife into Severus Snape 's chest . " You know what you 're going to do ? You 're going to get your ass into that bed , get a good night 's rest , then get up and do it all again tomorrow . Because that 's what we do . We soldier on . " But the squirrel scampered by , leaving me no choice but to follow it . I mean , really . What else could I do ? It was a squirrel ! I chased it across the park , dodging and weaving as best I could to stay on its trail . It finally zipped up a tree leaving me nothing to do but stare at it and wait . The butterfly sitting on the trunk of the tree moved its wings slightly . Not a lot . Just enough that I couldn 't help but to see it . When it took flight , I did the only logical thing and jumped with all my might to try and catch it . Sadly , I failed and landed hard on the ground . The butterfly fluttered by without paying me another thought . I looked up to where I expected the nut had originated to find the squirrel staring down at me , snickering . It twitched its tail enticingly , forcing me to keep my eyes focused on it . It was almost as though . . . At the last minute , I spun 180 degrees to find a second , fatter squirrel and a rabbit standing mere inches away from me . At the sight of my impressive and intimidating demeanor , they bolted . I couldn 't let such almost - perfectly - executed deception go unpunished , though , so I took off after them . Their legs could move faster , but mine were longer . I was gaining on them . In fact , I was just about to catch the fat squirrel by the tip of his tail when the butterfly drifted between us . The squirrels , rabbit , and butterfly had all planned this from the start . From the very first moment I had laid eyes on the first squirrel , I had been playing into their hands . . . paws . . . and / or wings . It was time to put them on the defensive . Ok , I 'll be honest . It wasn 't even close . But I did see one and for all anyone really knows a strong , well - placed gust of wind could have sent it careening off - course and then it could have gotten a crazy bounce followed by a well - timed trip on my part leading to my head coming into direction contact with the Frisbee . Either way , the disc flew through the air with an unnatural wobble and just enough of a whistle to ensure that I heard it . Frisbees are crafty creatures . It 's never smart to turn your back on them . I usually go for the preeminent approach , personally . Finally , I managed to get myself safely into the confines of the car . My friend closed the door , started it up , and we were on our way . I stuck my head out the window , because what else are cars for , anyway ? Ever since the woman 's niece had moved out , the second floor had remained virtually abandoned , so most of the lights were burned out . Normally , since there were lots of windows and skylights and no one went up there at night , this wasn 't an issue . They saved money by not replacing them . Unfortunately , with this thudding noise , it also meant that they would be walking into utter and complete darkness . The third door on the right was slightly ajar ; the second door on the left was wide open ; and the door directly at the end of the hallway had no doorknob . Individually , none of these were particularly disconcerting matters . When you considered , however , that there were only supposed to be three rooms on the second floor , all of those facts became disturbing . The room beyond was surprisingly well lit . There were fluorescent lights covering the ceiling , a chandelier hanging from the center of the room , and candles floating around the walls . In the center of the room was an old bald man no bigger than a child . His size , however , didn 't make them nearly as uncomfortable as the fact that he was floating about two feet off the ground and they could see right through him . The woman 's mouth opened and closed as though she were trying to speak , but nothing came out . The dog finally gave up on the younger man and rushed to inspect the older man , bumping the woman out of her shock on the way . " What are you doing here ? " the woman asked . The dog , after having thoroughly inspected the old man , turned back to the woman . " Ok . We know there 's something here , so can we please call someone now ? " The old man grinned from ear to ear and descended until he was practically nose to nose with the dog . " That 's a good point , pooch , " he said . " Who you gonna call ? Huh ? As he crawled through the sand , he felt small , jagged rocks cutting into his knees . The heat from the sun had baked the sand so that it burned his hands while the wind kicked up dust that cut at his face . He couldn 't remember when he had begun his journey . Sometimes it seemed as though it had been mere moments before , but sometimes it seemed like years . Since the sun in this desert never seemed to set , he had no real way to measure time other than the exhaustion he felt . He was beginning to feel as though it was a hopeless endeavor . Was it even possible to cross this desert ? Was there a chance that it simply continued on forever ? Would he be better off turning around and accepting his fate ? He worked hard to keep himself from asking such questions , but at that moment , it was proving rather difficult . Resisting the urge to give up and surrender to the elements , he pushed himself up to his feet to give his knees a break . His shoes , having proven themselves useless , lied somewhere behind him , far beyond his view . His bare feet had become so calloused and scorched that they barely took note of the hot sand trying desperately to slice them to pieces . They were not , however , immune to his weight . They still ached from their last stint as the primary mode of transport , but they were , at that moment , less cantankerous than his knees . For a long time , he lay on his back staring at the pale gray sky . For a moment , he considered staring straight into the blazing sun and ending at least part of his suffering . If he was blind , then at least he wouldn 't be able to see that there was nothing to see . A warm breeze whipped up , ruffling his raggedy clothes and tousling his hair . He closed his eyes and allowed the wind free reign to do with him what it willed . On several levels , he hoped that it would simply pick him up and take him away . The wind , however , seemed quite content to leave him lying there as it moved on toward fairer grounds . After he composed himself , he reached up with a trembling hand and pressed one of the many buttons gracing the front of the object . Tears began to form anew in his eyes as the object reacted to his touch . It was finally over . However sick she was of the rain , though , she was more sick of being stuck inside . She wanted desperately to go outside and play . Her bike sat unused in the garage . The trampoline in the backyard beckoned to her . The playground just across the street was as unreachable as a castle guarded by a water - spewing dragon . Audra 's heart leapt . With tears of joy in her eyes , she ran to her room , threw on her bright green rain boots and purple jacket and returned , knowing only a hint of the promises the journey ahead held in store . She knew the most important promise , however : she was no longer stuck inside the house . What was more was that the store was close enough to their house that a little bit of rain wasn 't going to convince Audra 's mother that it was worth the greenhouse gas production to drive to the store . As the two began their trek to the store , Audra tried her best to contain her glee . As per usual , her mother insisted that they hold hands so that Audra was less tempted to wander off . Audra , however , insisted on simply dragging her mom wherever her heart decided she should wander . Usually , it was a fairly easy pull . She had a rather accepting and free - spirited mom who was willing to indulge her little adventures . Today , however , there was business at hand , and Audra had to pull extra hard to divert her mother from the path . As if a little extra work had ever stopped her . She simply pulled all the more fervently , leaving her mom little choice but to obey the call of frivolity . Or on the case of this particular day , the call of the giant puddle in the middle of the park . When they reached the edge of the puddle , Audra stopped and looked toward her mom for approval . There was a moment of contemplation as all the options were weighed . Finally , as the reality of the situation soaked through , a grin crossed her mother 's face , followed by a nod . Audra expected the splash that followed , but she had felt confident that it was supposed to be followed by solid ground . That 's how puddles were supposed to work . Today , however , the solid ground never seemed to appear . As she opened her eyes , the truth of the situation became apparent . The park was gone . The trees had been replaced by coral reefs ; the playground had been replaced by a shipwreck ; and , perhaps most shockingly , her mother had been replaced by a mermaid doppelganger . Audra looked down at her own legs to find that they , too , had been replaced by a long , purple tail . She flicked it around to test its movement and was overjoyed at the results as she went flying through the water toward the nearest reef . Audra looked back to find at the coral reefs and shipwreck only to find that they had returned to their previous state as trees and playground equipment . She was , after a moment of contemplation , more than a little disappointed . She had really been looking forward to seeing what secrets that new world held . The first time I met Todd , he was nothing special . He was bald , weak , whiny and completely unwilling to listen to what anyone else had to say . He was two months old , but that 's beside the point . The point , if you were paying attention , is that he was nothing special . At least not when I met him . The adults were all in the adjacent room , so if anything had gone wrong ( like , for example , if someone were to start screaming out in horrible , agonizing pain ) , they would be able to hear and come help . My dad told me it was my job to be the grown - up one of the two of us . I told him that if I was such a grown - up I should be able to go to the meeting or party or whatever it was that I wasn 't old enough yet to attend . They laughed and left me alone with Todd . So I decided it might be a good idea to mix things up . I ran over to my toybox and started pulling out all my favorites . One by one , I showed Todd my Hot Wheels , my G . I . Joe , my Malibu Barbie , and an assortment of blocks and rubber balls . He seemed unimpressed , so I went for the big gun : my bicycle . It was brand new , top of the line and all mine . Its beautiful green body was accented by streaks of grey and sharp black handlebars and seat . When I sat on that puppy , my legs barely touched the ground , it was so big . And to top it all off , my dad had added a bright orange horn that you could hear from all the way down the block . It had training wheels , but I had plans . Those babies were coming off as soon as possible . Like , tomorrow . It was practically a given . Practically . I couldn 't take it anymore . Todd needed to appreciate the beauty of what was before him . He needed to understand . So I parked my bicycle not one foot in front of him . Todd looked up at me with a sudden awareness that I had never seen in someone his age . There was a fire in his eye that hadn 't been there a moment before . I knew immediately what had happened : Todd finally saw my bicycle , and he wanted it . As if to confirm my suspicions , he reached out toward it with his hand . I was suddenly two whole feet away from where I had been before , Todd still sticking his hand out at me . His eyes were fixed and burning . His jaw was set and he was ready to take me on . I put my feet on the pedals and pushed as hard as I could , driving straight at Todd . He didn 't even flinch . He just flicked his wrist and sent me flying into the lamp against the wall . As his hand curled into a fist , I felt something tightening around my neck and dragging me up the wall . I could tell from his expression that Todd planned on getting rid of me so he could have the bicycle for himself . I muttered to Todd , " No , Todd . Please . Don 't hurt me . " I dragged myself across the park toward a water fountain on the far side . As the feeling returned to my legs , I was able to move faster . Eventually , I regained the ability to stand . By the time I reached the water fountain , my body felt almost fully functional again . " I am so sorry , " said a girl who looked no older than ten but spoke with a maturity that contradicted her appearance . " I 'm Leila . " She stuck out her hand . " Are you alright ? " I shook her hand . " I 'm fine , " I said , rubbing my face with my other hand . " Where 'd your Frisbee end up ? " Leila reached down at my feet and picked it up . " Here it is ! " The excitement in her face melted away when she noticed me still rubbing the point of collision . " Are you sure you 're alright , mister ? " It took me longer than it probably should have to realize the paradox . What was going on ? Why was I hungry one second and not the next ? Why didn 't I catch that Frisbee ? Why did I go for such a long run ? They were my thoughts . I was almost sure of it . They had to be if they were in my head . And yet , something about them didn 't sound like me . More importantly , if they were my thoughts , why didn 't I agree with myself . " No I 'm not ! " I shouted . Leila and her friends must have heard me yelling , because the game came to a stand - still and all eyes were on me . The group of parents sitting on the benches nearby looked even more concerned than the kids . " Shut up ! " The whole restaurant was focused on me . I stared right back at them for a moment before slowly backing out onto the sidewalk . Then , I bolted down the street and ducked into an alley . " Alright , look , whoever - you - are , " I said , pacing back and forth , yelling at the fences around me . " This is my body . My brain . I control it . " I remembered that there was a burger joint just around the block that sold the best , greasiest , most delicious burgers I had ever eaten . Or at least , that 's how I had described them the last time I had eaten there . I tried to ignore the fact that last time , I hadn 't eaten for over twenty - four hours beforehand . She walked down the street , shuffling around in her purse to make room for the stack of bills she had just withdrawn . A sudden gust of wind , however , drew her attention away as it picked up her hat and tossed it behind her . She tried and failed to catch it . As the old woman turned to go after it , she was met by a man in a dark blue hoodie . " Thank you so much , sweetie , " she said , placing it delicately back on her head . " And here . " She fished in her purse , pulling out a crisp ten dollar bill . " For your trouble . " After a few minutes of walking , the old woman got an uneasy feeling on the back of her neck . Years of experience had taught her what it felt like to know someone was watching her . She casually turned her head as if looking back at the flower shop she had just passed and caught a glimpse of the young man who had caught her hat . His hands were in the pockets of his hoodie and his mouth was still fixed in a smile , though it had apparently forgotten to tell his eyes . The old woman sighed and reached into her purse . She silently reveled in the look on the mugger 's face as she rifled around inside the bag . She was trying his patience , and they both knew it was on purpose . " Now , sweetie , " she said , " just give me sec to find it . " The mugger shuffled his feet , shifting his eyes in every direction . He couldn 't take it anymore . " Screw this , " he said as he reached for the woman 's pearl necklace . The second he laid his hand on the pearls , however , the woman 's hand was around his wrist , holding him in a vice - grip that belied her age . A bang echoed around the brick walls of the alley . The old lady pulled the smoking gun out of her purse and began inspecting the hole in the bag . " Now look what you made me do , " she said to the corpse . " Now I have to buy a new bag ! " She put her hands on her hips and looked around the alley . " Well ? Aren 't you going to make it up to me ? " " Look , the least you can do is help pay for a new one . " The old woman bent over , flipped the corpse , and began to fish around in his pockets . " Just tell me I wasn 't your first mark today . " She pulled a wallet out of the inside pocket of his jacket . " Thank you , " she said as she stood up . " You have a lovely rest of the day ! "

" Fine , " said the cat . " I will . " With a flick of his tail and a gravity - defying leap , the cat perched himself upon the mantle . " We have been living in this house for three weeks now . Three long , boring weeks . Other than to pick up food and bring it back here , how many times have you left ? I have been hinting and hinting that you need to go outside and do something since day two . It 's not because anyone cares if you show up for a party . It 's not because anyone cares if you go out and hit on chicks . It 's not because anyone cares if you bathe or brush your teeth . " Because despite what you tell yourself day in and day out , you 're miserable . You can 't stand the idea that other people 's lives are moving on while yours is not . Do you know why your life isn 't moving on ? Because you aren 't pushing it ! " Lives are stubborn things , " the cat continued . " They tend to persist in whatever gear you set them in . Overly busy people find it difficult to slow down . Their lives just blow past them out of control leaving them wishing they had brakes to slow them down . " " And you have done a masterful job of not moving too fast in life . " The cat dropped from the mantle and in one swift motion , settled on the arm of the man 's chair . " Your problem is the exact opposite . " The cat paused to lick his paw for a long moment , seemingly waiting for his point to sink in . After getting no response from the man , he continued . " Have you ever seen a car that hasn 't been used in years ? It rusts . Things quit working . Getting it up and running again is a major chore . Your life right now is an old , rusted out lemon . If you don 't start doing some work on it , it 's going to continue to get worse until your only option is to sell it in pieces . Judging from the stack of empty bottles piling up over there , you won 't get much for your liver , and based on the amount of bacon on your plate this morning , I wouldn 't expect much for your heart either . " " You know what ? " the man shouted as he leapt from the chair . " I am so sick and tired of your condescending attitude . You think you 're so much better than me ? What have you done to keep your life moving ? Huh ? Maybe your life is a rusty old lemming ! " " See ? That 's exactly what I 'm talking about ! " The man was pulling his hair and flailing his arms in frustration . " You think you know everything about everything . But you know what ? You don 't ! You can 't read my mind . For all you know I meant lemming . Maybe I think your life is just waiting for an excuse to run off a cliff ! " The sound of the front door forced the man to look up and see his roommate walking in with a sack of groceries . " Dude , " the roommate said . " Are you seriously yelling at the cat again ? " He couldn 't remember a time before the void . Every memory he had was of this crushing darkness . He remembered that there was a time before , but he had no idea what it had been like . His earliest memory was of screaming and getting no response . His surprise over this lack of response was the only evidence he still held that there was supposed to be anything but silence . He opened his eyes at the sound of the small feminine voice . Sadly , no one was there . Was it possible that he had imagined the voice ? Yes . In fact , it was likely . He closed his eyes . " Yeah ! It 's been like , two months ! Omigod ! I heard you scream and then , like , I started trying to figure out where it came from . You 've screamed , like literally a million times since then . " The speck grew so bright that he could not look at it anymore . However desperate he was to keep his eyes open , he could not . Even with his eyes closed , however , he could still see how bright his world had become and it continued to grow brighter . Before long , it was so bright that even with his eyes closed , he wanted to close them again . " Yeah ! The veil 's , like , pretty weak right now . I could bring you over to this side of it in , like , a second . It would be literally no work at all . " This new world he was in seemed to be the opposite of the void in which he had spent the entirety of his conscious existence . Where the void had been vast darkness in which he 'd searched for light , this world seemed to be all light , leaving him searching for some point of darkness where it was safe to look . He found that in the silhouette of a small dog a feet feet in front of him . The light suddenly faded away and , as he opened his eyes again , he found himself staring back into the void . He began to consider the possibility that he had dreamed the entire even . He couldn 't take it . The fact that that was even a possibility began to drive him insane . " You heard him , " said Arabella . " Get your asses in gear . " The trio ran as fast as they could , dodging curses left and right on their way to the cave 's entrance . As Luna turned to run back to help their mentor , she was met by the glowing tip of Arabella 's wand . " Don 't you dare , " said Arabella . " Don 't you dare make his sacrifice worthless . " Her eyes seemed cold and empty , but the tears welling up in them softened her words . " No one else dies today . You hear me ? " The trio regrouped at the bottom of the staircase that led to the cave . Arabella looked over her companions ' tattered clothes and battle - weary faces . The scar across Luna 's nose looked darker and fresher than ever . Colin was sitting on a rock , staring out at the ocean . He hadn 't said a thing since the second battle of Hogwarts . Losing a brother changes you . " A rough day ? " The look on Luna 's face melted from incredulity to hysteria . " A rough day ? This was not a rough day . Do you even realize what just happened ? " " It 's been a rough day , " Arabella raised her voice and pressed on , " but if we sit here , things aren 't going to get any better . Now wipe those tears out of your eyes and let 's get some distance between us and this place before someone comes to investigate . Alright ? The Order needs to know what just happened . " " The Order already knows " said a deep , accented voice behind them . Colin seemed to take no notice , but Arabella and Luna turned to find themselves facing a Patronus in the form of a lynx . " Edgar and Emmeline are on their way to clean things up . You three need to get back here as quickly as possible . Do you understand me ? " The Patronus walked past them both and stood next to Colin . The lynx told him something too quietly for either of the girls to hear and Colin nodded . Then , it was as though the lynx had never been there . Colin got to his feet , gave the sea one more long look , and turned to face his companions . His eyes were set and more focused than Arabella had seen them in years . He nodded , placed a hand on each of the girls ' shoulders and closed his eyes . For a moment , Arabella was sure it was going to fail again , but then she felt a tug behind her navel that she had never grown accustomed to . When the world resolidified , Arabella quietly left her companions behind and walked to her room . Tonks , her roommate , was already inside , sitting at the desk . " Was it really that bad ? " Arabella closed the door and collapsed to her knees . " He 's dead . " Arabella raised her head to look up at the only person left in the world that she truly felt she could call friend . " Alastor 's dead . " She had expected more of a reaction from Tonks than she was getting . " Didn 't you hear me ? ! " she screamed . Tonks finally reacted with the fire Arabella had expected . " What do we do ? The same damned thing we 've been doing since the war started again . " Tonks dropped down next to her roommate to look her directly in the eyes . " You 're Arabella Potter , right ? The one who single - handedly stopped the Fletcher Gambit . The one who invented the Butterfly Hex . The one who , when she couldn 't find her wand , drove a knife into Severus Snape 's chest . " You know what you 're going to do ? You 're going to get your ass into that bed , get a good night 's rest , then get up and do it all again tomorrow . Because that 's what we do . We soldier on . " But the squirrel scampered by , leaving me no choice but to follow it . I mean , really . What else could I do ? It was a squirrel ! I chased it across the park , dodging and weaving as best I could to stay on its trail . It finally zipped up a tree leaving me nothing to do but stare at it and wait . The butterfly sitting on the trunk of the tree moved its wings slightly . Not a lot . Just enough that I couldn 't help but to see it . When it took flight , I did the only logical thing and jumped with all my might to try and catch it . Sadly , I failed and landed hard on the ground . The butterfly fluttered by without paying me another thought . I looked up to where I expected the nut had originated to find the squirrel staring down at me , snickering . It twitched its tail enticingly , forcing me to keep my eyes focused on it . It was almost as though . . . At the last minute , I spun 180 degrees to find a second , fatter squirrel and a rabbit standing mere inches away from me . At the sight of my impressive and intimidating demeanor , they bolted . I couldn 't let such almost - perfectly - executed deception go unpunished , though , so I took off after them . Their legs could move faster , but mine were longer . I was gaining on them . In fact , I was just about to catch the fat squirrel by the tip of his tail when the butterfly drifted between us . The squirrels , rabbit , and butterfly had all planned this from the start . From the very first moment I had laid eyes on the first squirrel , I had been playing into their hands . . . paws . . . and / or wings . It was time to put them on the defensive . Ok , I 'll be honest . It wasn 't even close . But I did see one and for all anyone really knows a strong , well - placed gust of wind could have sent it careening off - course and then it could have gotten a crazy bounce followed by a well - timed trip on my part leading to my head coming into direction contact with the Frisbee . Either way , the disc flew through the air with an unnatural wobble and just enough of a whistle to ensure that I heard it . Frisbees are crafty creatures . It 's never smart to turn your back on them . I usually go for the preeminent approach , personally . Finally , I managed to get myself safely into the confines of the car . My friend closed the door , started it up , and we were on our way . I stuck my head out the window , because what else are cars for , anyway ? Ever since the woman 's niece had moved out , the second floor had remained virtually abandoned , so most of the lights were burned out . Normally , since there were lots of windows and skylights and no one went up there at night , this wasn 't an issue . They saved money by not replacing them . Unfortunately , with this thudding noise , it also meant that they would be walking into utter and complete darkness . The third door on the right was slightly ajar ; the second door on the left was wide open ; and the door directly at the end of the hallway had no doorknob . Individually , none of these were particularly disconcerting matters . When you considered , however , that there were only supposed to be three rooms on the second floor , all of those facts became disturbing . The room beyond was surprisingly well lit . There were fluorescent lights covering the ceiling , a chandelier hanging from the center of the room , and candles floating around the walls . In the center of the room was an old bald man no bigger than a child . His size , however , didn 't make them nearly as uncomfortable as the fact that he was floating about two feet off the ground and they could see right through him . The woman 's mouth opened and closed as though she were trying to speak , but nothing came out . The dog finally gave up on the younger man and rushed to inspect the older man , bumping the woman out of her shock on the way . " What are you doing here ? " the woman asked . The dog , after having thoroughly inspected the old man , turned back to the woman . " Ok . We know there 's something here , so can we please call someone now ? " The old man grinned from ear to ear and descended until he was practically nose to nose with the dog . " That 's a good point , pooch , " he said . " Who you gonna call ? Huh ? As he crawled through the sand , he felt small , jagged rocks cutting into his knees . The heat from the sun had baked the sand so that it burned his hands while the wind kicked up dust that cut at his face . He couldn 't remember when he had begun his journey . Sometimes it seemed as though it had been mere moments before , but sometimes it seemed like years . Since the sun in this desert never seemed to set , he had no real way to measure time other than the exhaustion he felt . He was beginning to feel as though it was a hopeless endeavor . Was it even possible to cross this desert ? Was there a chance that it simply continued on forever ? Would he be better off turning around and accepting his fate ? He worked hard to keep himself from asking such questions , but at that moment , it was proving rather difficult . Resisting the urge to give up and surrender to the elements , he pushed himself up to his feet to give his knees a break . His shoes , having proven themselves useless , lied somewhere behind him , far beyond his view . His bare feet had become so calloused and scorched that they barely took note of the hot sand trying desperately to slice them to pieces . They were not , however , immune to his weight . They still ached from their last stint as the primary mode of transport , but they were , at that moment , less cantankerous than his knees . For a long time , he lay on his back staring at the pale gray sky . For a moment , he considered staring straight into the blazing sun and ending at least part of his suffering . If he was blind , then at least he wouldn 't be able to see that there was nothing to see . A warm breeze whipped up , ruffling his raggedy clothes and tousling his hair . He closed his eyes and allowed the wind free reign to do with him what it willed . On several levels , he hoped that it would simply pick him up and take him away . The wind , however , seemed quite content to leave him lying there as it moved on toward fairer grounds . After he composed himself , he reached up with a trembling hand and pressed one of the many buttons gracing the front of the object . Tears began to form anew in his eyes as the object reacted to his touch . It was finally over . However sick she was of the rain , though , she was more sick of being stuck inside . She wanted desperately to go outside and play . Her bike sat unused in the garage . The trampoline in the backyard beckoned to her . The playground just across the street was as unreachable as a castle guarded by a water - spewing dragon . Audra 's heart leapt . With tears of joy in her eyes , she ran to her room , threw on her bright green rain boots and purple jacket and returned , knowing only a hint of the promises the journey ahead held in store . She knew the most important promise , however : she was no longer stuck inside the house . What was more was that the store was close enough to their house that a little bit of rain wasn 't going to convince Audra 's mother that it was worth the greenhouse gas production to drive to the store . As the two began their trek to the store , Audra tried her best to contain her glee . As per usual , her mother insisted that they hold hands so that Audra was less tempted to wander off . Audra , however , insisted on simply dragging her mom wherever her heart decided she should wander . Usually , it was a fairly easy pull . She had a rather accepting and free - spirited mom who was willing to indulge her little adventures . Today , however , there was business at hand , and Audra had to pull extra hard to divert her mother from the path . As if a little extra work had ever stopped her . She simply pulled all the more fervently , leaving her mom little choice but to obey the call of frivolity . Or on the case of this particular day , the call of the giant puddle in the middle of the park . When they reached the edge of the puddle , Audra stopped and looked toward her mom for approval . There was a moment of contemplation as all the options were weighed . Finally , as the reality of the situation soaked through , a grin crossed her mother 's face , followed by a nod . Audra expected the splash that followed , but she had felt confident that it was supposed to be followed by solid ground . That 's how puddles were supposed to work . Today , however , the solid ground never seemed to appear . As she opened her eyes , the truth of the situation became apparent . The park was gone . The trees had been replaced by coral reefs ; the playground had been replaced by a shipwreck ; and , perhaps most shockingly , her mother had been replaced by a mermaid doppelganger . Audra looked down at her own legs to find that they , too , had been replaced by a long , purple tail . She flicked it around to test its movement and was overjoyed at the results as she went flying through the water toward the nearest reef . Audra looked back to find at the coral reefs and shipwreck only to find that they had returned to their previous state as trees and playground equipment . She was , after a moment of contemplation , more than a little disappointed . She had really been looking forward to seeing what secrets that new world held . The first time I met Todd , he was nothing special . He was bald , weak , whiny and completely unwilling to listen to what anyone else had to say . He was two months old , but that 's beside the point . The point , if you were paying attention , is that he was nothing special . At least not when I met him . The adults were all in the adjacent room , so if anything had gone wrong ( like , for example , if someone were to start screaming out in horrible , agonizing pain ) , they would be able to hear and come help . My dad told me it was my job to be the grown - up one of the two of us . I told him that if I was such a grown - up I should be able to go to the meeting or party or whatever it was that I wasn 't old enough yet to attend . They laughed and left me alone with Todd . So I decided it might be a good idea to mix things up . I ran over to my toybox and started pulling out all my favorites . One by one , I showed Todd my Hot Wheels , my G . I . Joe , my Malibu Barbie , and an assortment of blocks and rubber balls . He seemed unimpressed , so I went for the big gun : my bicycle . It was brand new , top of the line and all mine . Its beautiful green body was accented by streaks of grey and sharp black handlebars and seat . When I sat on that puppy , my legs barely touched the ground , it was so big . And to top it all off , my dad had added a bright orange horn that you could hear from all the way down the block . It had training wheels , but I had plans . Those babies were coming off as soon as possible . Like , tomorrow . It was practically a given . Practically . I couldn 't take it anymore . Todd needed to appreciate the beauty of what was before him . He needed to understand . So I parked my bicycle not one foot in front of him . Todd looked up at me with a sudden awareness that I had never seen in someone his age . There was a fire in his eye that hadn 't been there a moment before . I knew immediately what had happened : Todd finally saw my bicycle , and he wanted it . As if to confirm my suspicions , he reached out toward it with his hand . I was suddenly two whole feet away from where I had been before , Todd still sticking his hand out at me . His eyes were fixed and burning . His jaw was set and he was ready to take me on . I put my feet on the pedals and pushed as hard as I could , driving straight at Todd . He didn 't even flinch . He just flicked his wrist and sent me flying into the lamp against the wall . As his hand curled into a fist , I felt something tightening around my neck and dragging me up the wall . I could tell from his expression that Todd planned on getting rid of me so he could have the bicycle for himself . I muttered to Todd , " No , Todd . Please . Don 't hurt me . " I dragged myself across the park toward a water fountain on the far side . As the feeling returned to my legs , I was able to move faster . Eventually , I regained the ability to stand . By the time I reached the water fountain , my body felt almost fully functional again . " I am so sorry , " said a girl who looked no older than ten but spoke with a maturity that contradicted her appearance . " I 'm Leila . " She stuck out her hand . " Are you alright ? " I shook her hand . " I 'm fine , " I said , rubbing my face with my other hand . " Where 'd your Frisbee end up ? " Leila reached down at my feet and picked it up . " Here it is ! " The excitement in her face melted away when she noticed me still rubbing the point of collision . " Are you sure you 're alright , mister ? " It took me longer than it probably should have to realize the paradox . What was going on ? Why was I hungry one second and not the next ? Why didn 't I catch that Frisbee ? Why did I go for such a long run ? They were my thoughts . I was almost sure of it . They had to be if they were in my head . And yet , something about them didn 't sound like me . More importantly , if they were my thoughts , why didn 't I agree with myself . " No I 'm not ! " I shouted . Leila and her friends must have heard me yelling , because the game came to a stand - still and all eyes were on me . The group of parents sitting on the benches nearby looked even more concerned than the kids . " Shut up ! " The whole restaurant was focused on me . I stared right back at them for a moment before slowly backing out onto the sidewalk . Then , I bolted down the street and ducked into an alley . " Alright , look , whoever - you - are , " I said , pacing back and forth , yelling at the fences around me . " This is my body . My brain . I control it . " I remembered that there was a burger joint just around the block that sold the best , greasiest , most delicious burgers I had ever eaten . Or at least , that 's how I had described them the last time I had eaten there . I tried to ignore the fact that last time , I hadn 't eaten for over twenty - four hours beforehand . She walked down the street , shuffling around in her purse to make room for the stack of bills she had just withdrawn . A sudden gust of wind , however , drew her attention away as it picked up her hat and tossed it behind her . She tried and failed to catch it . As the old woman turned to go after it , she was met by a man in a dark blue hoodie . " Thank you so much , sweetie , " she said , placing it delicately back on her head . " And here . " She fished in her purse , pulling out a crisp ten dollar bill . " For your trouble . " After a few minutes of walking , the old woman got an uneasy feeling on the back of her neck . Years of experience had taught her what it felt like to know someone was watching her . She casually turned her head as if looking back at the flower shop she had just passed and caught a glimpse of the young man who had caught her hat . His hands were in the pockets of his hoodie and his mouth was still fixed in a smile , though it had apparently forgotten to tell his eyes . The old woman sighed and reached into her purse . She silently reveled in the look on the mugger 's face as she rifled around inside the bag . She was trying his patience , and they both knew it was on purpose . " Now , sweetie , " she said , " just give me sec to find it . " The mugger shuffled his feet , shifting his eyes in every direction . He couldn 't take it anymore . " Screw this , " he said as he reached for the woman 's pearl necklace . The second he laid his hand on the pearls , however , the woman 's hand was around his wrist , holding him in a vice - grip that belied her age . A bang echoed around the brick walls of the alley . The old lady pulled the smoking gun out of her purse and began inspecting the hole in the bag . " Now look what you made me do , " she said to the corpse . " Now I have to buy a new bag ! " She put her hands on her hips and looked around the alley . " Well ? Aren 't you going to make it up to me ? " " Look , the least you can do is help pay for a new one . " The old woman bent over , flipped the corpse , and began to fish around in his pockets . " Just tell me I wasn 't your first mark today . " She pulled a wallet out of the inside pocket of his jacket . " Thank you , " she said as she stood up . " You have a lovely rest of the day ! "

Posted on July 15 , 2012 by sonnypi67 I had an interesting experience this weekend at the Barnes and Noble bookstore , and it wasn 't the date I had via eHarmony . That was a dud . The woman wasn 't . She was nice and smart and funny and accomplished but we didn 't click , not even a little . I hate when that happens but more often than not it does . No . That was Saturday . I 'm talking about today , Sunday , in a different Barnes and Noble bookstore ( sigh - I miss Borders … anyhoo … . ) , the one closer to my house . I went there because , while waiting for my date at the other B & , I started reading this book entitled Ready Player One , by Ernest Cline , which is very cool but that is not what this post is about . It is only the catalyst . Because I don 't usually buy books anymore : I get them from the library , but I didn 't want to wait . That 's why I was at the bookstore today . And while I was there I saw this woman and for some reason I was instantly intrigued by her , drawn to her . She had long , straight , blonde hair , but not like bimbo bleach blonde , like natural blonde , you know . And she was waring a flowery sundress , at least I think it was flowery . She wore sandals . And had glasses , that were very interesting , kind of retro 50s but still contemporary , you know . She had a tattoo on her right shoulder I 'm pretty sure ; it looked like something with wings . I didn 't want to stare too intently for fear that she would be creeped out by me . Also , she had this sort of old / vintage - looking white purse , like something my mom would have carried in the 70s . I dunno . It was cool . She was cool . And she had on this fragrance - it was intoxicating . Trust me , I know how cornball that sounds but it is true . She stuck strictly to the discount books . I found myself watching her but at first didn 't think much of it . She was pretty , so I noticed her . I was there to get my book , which I did . I even scoped some other books . But I kept checking for her . She was still over there in the discount section so I returned . I purposely passed her again , and put myself in a position to walk by her , hoping to catch her attention , but she was so focused on perusing the books . Maybe the fact that she didn 't seem to notice me is what hooked me . I don 't know . All I know is that I wanted very badly to talk to her . And I did , once . I said , " Excuse me " as I passed by her . She returned the comment . I looked for a sign that I could maybe talk to her but saw nothing . I did not want to creep her out . Or get maced or kicked in the balls or anything . I mean , honestly , do strangers just walk up to each other in public places anymore and introduce themselves ? It does not seem possible . Eventually , I got the feeling that she sensed I was watching her , even following her , and that was why she did not explore anymore of the store other than the discount section . She paid for her books and I walked over by the Nook display because I knew she 'd have to pass me on her way out . I thought maybe … . But instead she asked for the restroom and went to the back of the store . So of course I took up a position where she would see me when she came out of the bathroom but not so close as to seem as if I was stalking her . I stood by the Lego 's of the the White House and Space Needle etc . She did not seem to notice me . I watched her go . I though to follow her out , but couldn 't do it . Too late did I go to the window of the store to check the parking lot to see her drive off . And just like that she was gone . I thought , oh well , like anything was going to happen , right . But here 's the thing . I can 't stop thinking about her . And I don 't know why . I can 't remember the last time something like that happened to me . Maybe it 's a sign of how desperate I 've become . I don 't know . But I can 't help thinking , Could I find her ? Would it be possible ? Could I utilize facebook somehow , and perhaps other social media , to find her , to find someone I don 't know and have never met , someone I only know a few scant details about ? Is it even worth . Is it advised ? Would she think I 'm crazy or even dangerous ? Yikes ! Posted on April 19 , 2012 by sonnypi67 My daughter has been working on a zombie novel . She is very excited about it . It 's a about a kid named TJ and begins with him day - dreaming in school about this girl , Debbie , that he kind of likes . After that the structure gets a bit fuzzy , but still it sounds cool . For the past thirty - seven hours I have been trapped in my ex - wife 's attic . And I can still hear them down there . By them I don 't mean my ex - wife , Carolyn , or her new husband , Roger , or my daughter , Melanie . No . I mean the zombies . That 's right - zombies , undead , walkers , biters , ghouls , legends of the undead . Whatever the fuck you want to call them . They are down there . It happened . The dead came back to life . I don 't how it happened or why . I just know that it did . And I don 't know where my daughter is . I need to find her and make sure that she 's safe . Posted on March 8 , 2012 by sonnypi67 It 's late . I was out with a couple of old high school buddies . But I am determined to get a post in tonight before bed . Well , on eHarmony there is a section in the About Me tab entitled The Last Book I Read and Enjoyed : If I like your pics ( and again let emphasize that I 'm not looking for super model 10 good looks , just something that attracts me - eyes , hair , smile , etc . Could be anything , but something ) I will usually go straight to this spot . I am a big reader . I love books . And so it is only natural that I would want to be with someone who also likes to read . Perhaps not to the degree that I do , but to some degree . However , I do have particular likes and dislikes . Not everything published and placed between a cover is worthy in my opinion . I guess initially I 'm looking for shared interests , because I think that this is important . It is a good base building block . Of course , one needs to go even deeper to look for points of connection , while a the same time looking for red flags . You have to read into the details , infer from them , read between the lines , and other cliches . For example : Any profile littered with too many cliches , such as " I love living life to the fullest every day " is a red flag for me . I take it as a sign of a lack of creativity , you know . I mean , what does that even mean anyway ? Taken literally it is bullshit . Really , you 're living life to the fullest each morning as you brush your teeth and take a crap , shower , dress , eat breakfast and head off to your job . Wow ! You wild woman you ! It 's just lazy . And shows an unwillingness , or worse an inability to delve deep enough into yourself and come up with something genuine . One of my biggest gripes about dating sites is the lack of authenticity in the profiles . It 's as if everyone ( or most everyone anyway ) is afraid to say anything really interesting or unique for fear of chasing away any potential dates or perhaps even offending someone . And that might indicate someone who is simply afraid of being alone , and I don 't want to be with anyone who is looking for someone because they are afraid of being alone . I don 't want just anyone . I want someone special . I have been waiting for this book to come out ever since I first learned of it 's existence , which was some time ago , although how long exactly I can 't quite recall . No matter . It is here . I was still a graduated student in the MFA program at Western Michigan University , hoping to be a writer of short stories myself some day . I must have come across this book at John Rollins bookstore in Portage , MI , right up Westnedge from Kalamazoo , where WMU is located . That was a great independent bookstore . But I 'm not sure it exists anymore . A google search does not turn it up . < sigh > Anyhoo … . I recall being so taken by the stories in " Fitting Ends " that I wrote to the publisher in hopes of contacting the author , Mr . Chaon . This was before it was so easy to track someone down via the internet . To my surprise , the publisher passed on my letter to Dan and he eventually wrote to me . For a time we exchanged letters and emails , which was a fresh technology at the time . Eventually , though , the correspondences ended and life moved on . And of course I was super duper excited when , years later , still working at the library , I saw that Dan 's new novel , " Await You Reply , " was to be released . I counted down the days until the book was available . And immediately devoured it once it was . Of course , because I was the main copy cataloger at the library I was the first one to get my hot little hands on this novel . I had the first hold . In fact , I believe I wrote a blog spot about it . Ah , yes . Here it is . In it I identify Dan Chaon as a GenX write , a label he agreed with , you 'll see in his reply to my post . Of course , I was tickled that he 'd managed to find my meager little post on my meager little blog . I remember being exceptionally fascinated with the premise of this novel , at least in part because it was about characters who " just walk away " from their life . I made a comparison to the movie " Grosse Pointe Blank " because it deals with the same sort of thing with John Cusack 's character , who had walked away from his life abruptly one day . I can 't help wondering now if that interested me so much because at the time I secretly wanted to walk away from the life I was living - the oppressively soul - crushing marriage to a narcissist part NOT the being the father to the sweetest little girl in the world part . Anyhoo … . this brings us back to Mr . Chaon 's new collection of short stories , " Stay Awake , " which , after reading the first two stories , I am sure is going to be exceptional from beginning to end , and which is going to be on of my favored collections for years to come , if not eternity . Well , my eternity anyway . I wonder . What will my daughter do with all my books when I am gone ? Will she just donate them ? Toss them ? Keep perhaps a few ? I should probably discuss this matter with her at some point . But probably I should concentrate on getting her through middle school and adolescence and all of that first , hug . These stories , so far , are hard stories . Harsh . In fact , there almost seem like horror stories in a way . Very grim . Unsettling . But I love them for that very quality . Unlike the reviewer on amazon who didn 't like the collection because people suffer in it , because it troubled him . This is an attitude , frankly , that I don 't get . What do people want ? Short stories are not TV shows ; they are not meant to make you feel good so that you 'll be in a receptive mood for whatever advertising comes between portions of the show . But … everyone is entitled to his / her opinion … . for good or ill . In my first apartment after the separation I would often lay awake in bed at night and listen to the traffic on Thirteen Mile Road . There were big , thick pine trees in front of the building and I had thought that they would act as a buffer against the noise but they didn 't , especially not when it came to the ambulances and their screaming sirens as they headed down Thirteen to Beaumont Hospital on the other side of Woodward . But even without all of that I doubt I would have slept well there . I wouldn 't call the place a dump or anything , but it wasn 't home . ( Home was where my ex was with our daughter . ) This apartment was just space for me to exist in temporarily until … I don 't know what . I had not a fucking clue . I had no clear view of my future . My ex is the one who found the place , on Craig 's List , she was so eager to get me out of the house , although she made it seem as if she was doing me a favor . And the shit of it is I went a long with it , letting her usher me right out the door without so much as a complaint . The apartment had seemed like deal at $ 500 / month but that was until I learned that heat wasn 't included . I 'd have to pay both a heat and an electric bill , one would be high in the winter and the other would be high in the summer . I 'd never catch a break . I 'd be too cold or too hot or broke . Probably all three , truth be told . My ex was the one who made the money . ( So in a way I guess it made sense that she should keep the house . She was the one who could afford the mortgage payments . Of course , it had been a different story years before when we were buying it and needed a down payment - then it was our house , we were in it together . But that was then , and this is now . Things had changed . ) Oh , I had a job all right , but I didn 't make money like she did . I made the mistake of thinking that I didn 't have to . What a sap I was . My ex said that she didn 't care how much money I made , that it didn 't matter , that what was important was that I was a good husband and a good and attentive father to our daughter . I thought that I was . I mean after all I was the one who altered my work schedule so that I could work from home and tend to our daughter while my ex went into the office to pursue and advance her career . Working from home it was all I could to do hold onto my job , never mind advancing . It 's difficult to get things done when you have an infant to deal with . I did most of my work late at night after my ex got home from work , usually after she 'd gone to bed . While my ex was moving up and up I was administering feedings and changing diapers and trying to get her to sleep so that I could answer just a couple of emails . It was a lot harder than I ever could have imagined . But you know what ? I didn 't mind . As frustrating as it could be at times , it was one of the happiest times of my life , and I would not trade it for the world , especially for example days when I would pack up my daughter and take her down the Detroit Zoo to stroll around and eat lunch . Part of me wished that I could do that every day for the rest of my life . One of the only good things about the apartment was that it had two bedrooms so my daughter had her own room , but she wasn 't very comfortable in it . She said it smelled funny and that she heard strange noises at night , in addition to the traffic and the ambulance sirens . She didn 't sleep well there either . Because I couldn 't sleep I spent a lot of time reading and watching TV and trolling the internet . I read a lot of old private detective and crime novels that I 'd already read several time before , plus some of the books I kept from my college classes , the ones that I 'd liked , like Hemingway , I had " The Sun Also Rises " and the collected short stories of his and I liked to read and reread them . I don 't know why but that made me feel good . It was comforting somehow . Also , I figured I should watch as much TV as possible since I was paying for cable anyway and couldn 't really afford it . Mostly I watched reruns of old TV shows , and movies I 'd seen dozens of times already , like " Jaws " and the " Star Wars " movies , but really whatever was on . I just wasn 't that interested in anything new , you know . I joined Facebook and started reconnecting with old friends from high school . It was satisfying , almost exciting , to touch base with people that I hadn 't been in contact with for years , and in some cases even decades . It felt familiar and strangely new at the same time . Also , I was encouraged to learn that I was not alone . It seemed as if every other person I spoke to was either divorced , going through a divorce , separated or in a marriage that they wanted out of . It was like some kind of fucking epidemic . I saw her online and shot her a message via chat . She responded almost instantly , pleased to hear from me . It wasn 't long before we were chatting about our current circumstances - me separated , her divorced . She had been seeing someone but it had recently gone bust . Also , she 'd recently moved into a new house and we quickly figured out that she wasn 't more than a mile from my apartment . Next thing I knew I was grabbing what was left of a six - pack of beer in my refrigerator and heading over to her place . It was already late and I had to work in the morning ( I still had my job at that point ; I hadn 't yet been laid off ) but I figured why the hell not . Kelly was the first girl that I 'd ever had sex with . I 'd fooled around with other girls before her but I was always too afraid to go all the way . With Kelly I didn 't feel as if I had a choice . She wanted to have sex , so we did . I wasn 't her first . She was one of those chicks who , when we were freshman , had a senior boyfriend . " I 'm sorry , I know , " she said , after inviting me inside . " I look like shit . I just got out of the shower . " " Are you kidding , " I said . " You look great . " And she did too . But she also looked kind of tired , slight bags under her eyes . Her hair was shorter and straighter than it had been back in high school , blonder too . We cracked open a couple of beers and sat down on the couch . The TV was on low because her kids were asleep in their bedrooms . The house wasn 't that big . She had two kids , a boy and a girl . They were both teenagers . " So is this weird or what ? " Kelly said . She was slouching back on the couch with her bare feet up on the coffee table . Her toenails were painted dark purple . Her tank top rode up and I could see that her naval was pierced . After a couple of beers we started talking about our exes again . She told me how she and her ex had lived in Florida . They had had a big house and boat , living the high life , she said . Her ex had worked in construction and business was booming . And then it wasn 't . He lost his job . And the next thing Kelly knew she was pulling double - shifts as a cocktail waitress just to try and pay the massive bills that they had while her ex sat around drinking and feeling sorry for himself . One day , in the middle of the day , she went looking for him and found him playing golf when he was supposed to be looking for work . And she lost it . She and her ex got into an actual fist fight , beating on each other . He was a big guy , but Kelly is tough , no one you wanted to fuck with . I could actually imagine her kicking the guy 's ass . Like the time she got into a fight with this guy in the Burger King parking lot after a football game . The guy said something to her that she didn 't like . I don 't even know what he said . All I know is that she threw a half - empty beer bottle at the guy 's head , just missing him . Of course , the guy was pissed , but he said he wasn 't a going to fight a girl . She didn 't give him a choice . She walked right up to the guy and clocked him hard . He went down . And she jumped on him , pummeling him mercilessly . It was kind of scary . I told her how my ex had basically decided that I didn 't fit into the life that she wanted now . She wanted someone different , a man who was serious about his job and his career . I had interpreted this to mean that she wanted someone who made more money , and as of course I was right . " You just need to go out there and get a better job , " Kelly said . " Show her you 're the man . " She struck a pose with both her arms up , making muscles , both hands clenched into fists . I thought she was joking , but she wasn 't . She was serious . Kelly 's house was small - only two bedrooms and one bathroom , a small living room and galley kitchen - - but it was neat and clean , and filled with " nice things " . " I like nice things , " she told me , as if it was something immensely important that I needed to know about her . " And I 'm not about to apologize for that . " After exhausting the subject of our exes and kids we reminisced about high school and talked about work a little . And then suddenly we both got quiet , as if we had nothing more to discuss . We just sat there for a time , drinking beer and starting at the all but silent television . Kelly 's hand was resting there on the couch between us . After a time , I finally made a move and took her hand in mine . We both looked at each , smiling . When Kelly introduced us I wondered if I should stand up and shake his hand but I didn 't . I just sat there and gave him a little wave . He belched in reply . The two of them stood there looking at each other . I didn 't know what to do . I wanted to leave but I couldn 't just get up and walk out . I turned away and watched the TV . " … stay and hang out with us . " She stood in the doorway to his room , blocking his way . He tried to push passed her but she was having none of it . In fact , she seemed to be enjoying frustrating and embarrassing him . " Come on , baby . My sweet baby . " She laughed . Then she grabbed him by the face and planted a kiss right on his lips . He did not react . He just stood there and let her . He showed no sign of anger . I was kind of pissed off for him . I wanted to say something , tell her to leave him the hell alone , but I couldn 't . Then she said : " Hey , honey . I got an idea . Why don 't you get your guitar and show my friend Sonny here how well you can play ? " Kelly waved me over to stand with her in the doorway to her son 's room . He slung the guitar over his shoulder , a bright red Gibson semi - hollow body with a black pick guard , and turned on his Marshall amp . He fiddled with the tuning keys for a moment , plucking at the strings to tune them . Then , after another moment spent adjusting the dials on the guitar and the amp , his hands suddenly burst into action , working furiously , harmoniously . I stood there and stared , impressed by his abilities . Clearly he was not only good at playing the guitar , he loved doing it . You could feel it in the music , see it on his face , which was contorted with a strange kind of joy . " Good ? Are you fucking kidding me ? He 's a hell of a lot better than just good . " She seemed offended by less than adequate praise . After her sweet little boy had been tucked back into bed with the lights out and the door closed , Kelly insisted on showing me a video clip on YouTube of her son moshing with a bunch of other young guys at some outdoor concert . How it got onto the web , she didn 't say , but you 'd have thought he 'd made an appearance in a major motion picture or something , the way she acted . " Look at , look at . That 's him . Right there . " No matter how many times we watched it , she never ceased to be delighted . She showed me more video clips that she had stored on her computer , of her son and her daughter . Pics too . After she 'd gone through them all , she hauled out some photo albums and a box of loose photographs and we went through them . She chattered on ceaselessly about her kids , placing each photograph in context for me . Of course , it was more or less white noise to me but it was clear that she was proud of her kids . She gave me a hard look and took a drink of her beer . I looked away . Then we both got quiet for a time , staring at the all but silent TV screen . Finally , I said , " I should probably get going . " I figured Kelly would be glad for me to go , but she said , " Are you leaving so soon ? " Her voice was suddenly meek , and sweet , even a little scared , almost as if she couldn 't bear for me to be gone . We made out on the couch like the teenagers we used to be . And I was reminded of all those fumbling encounters we 'd had all those years ago . In the front and back seats of cars , on couches in basements , outside in back yards behind garages and on the sides of houses , behind bushes , in swimming pools after dark , in cheap motel rooms after dances . I tugged at her pants . " Going in for the kill already , " she laughed . And then she pushed me off of her and stood up . For a second I thought she was going to walk away from me , a tease , just like in high school , but she didn 't . She undid the tie at the front of her pants and let t hem drop , then pulled down her panties , stepping out of them . She stood before me , naked from the waist down . It was kind of like being in high school again , except instead of being worried about her parents busting in on us , it was her son and daughter that we had to be concerned about . It was kind of strange , even a little creepy . Part of me wanted to stop but I didn 't know how . Kelly was really getting into it . I guess I was enjoying it too , but not like she was . I doubt I could have stopped what was happening if I 'd tried . Finally , Kelly did stop , but only because she wanted to switch positions because her knees were hurting her . We moved into the missionary position , lying down on the couch . It was an awkward and uncomfortable transition . I really just wanted this to be over with . It was like work and I was struggling , I guess you could say . " It 's late , " she said . " You don 't have to go . You can sleep on the couch and leave in the morning . " We were by the front door . I was kneeling down , putting on my shoes . Kelly was standing over me . For a second I was tempted by her offer . I thought it might be nice to wake up and not be alone for a change . But then I remembered that I wouldn 't be waking up to just Kelly . There was also her son and her daughter , and being there in the morning when they woke up would just be too weird . For the first time since I 'd moved out of my house all I wanted was to be back in my apartment , alone . So I stood up and said , " Thanks . I appreciate it . But I can 't . I really have to go . Sorry . " " Yeah . Sure . Fine . Whatever . " She was trying to act like it was no big deal but I could tell she was unhappy , even a little pissed . I steeled myself for whatever might come but nothing did . She saw me out the door and that was it . In my car , driving the dark , empty streets at three o ' clock in the morning , I felt relieved , even kind of happy , which I hadn 't felt in … I don 't know how long . I was buzzing , and not just on beer - after all , I 'd only had two beers to Kelly 's four … or was it more ? I felt a twinge of that giddy excitement that I used to feel when I was in high school and I 'd been out all night , driving around or at a party , hanging out , talking with people , meeting girls , getting laid . I rolled down my window and let the crisp summer night air blow in across my face . I was actually whistling as I climbed the stairs to my second - floor apartment and let myself inside . Suddenly the place didn 't seem so bad . In fact , it was kind of cool . A little grungy and run down , sure , but so what . It was my place , all my place . I could do what I wanted there when I wanted how I wanted and with whom I wanted . I could come and go as I pleased , just like I used to be able to do , before I got married and had a kid . Maybe I should have felt bad , but I didn 't really . I was too tired . Besides , I had enough grief in my life ; I didn 't need it from Kelly too . I just sort of forgot about the whole thing until a couple of weeks later when I saw Kelly online . I 'd seen her online previously but I 'd purposely avoided her . Now , I had the impulse to contact her . I assumed she was still pissed at me but hoped that I could somehow make amends . Turned out she wasn 't mad at all , or if she had been she 'd gotten over it . We chatted amicably . She asked me how I was doing and I told her that I was feeling kind of down . She told me what I needed was to get laid . " I 'll fuck you , " she IM 'd . " Give you self - esteem . " I told her it was just one of those days ; I was feeling lonely and missing my family . For some reason I thought she might understand , being divorced herself , and that she might have some sympathy for me , but she didn 't . Instead , she went off on me . " I 'm not going to play second fiddle to some other bitch . I know who I am and I know what I want . I work hard . I pay my bills . I take care of my kids . " I had not a fucking clue what she was going on about . And she was typing so furiously that I couldn 't even respond . Eventually I gave up even trying . I just logged off , relieved that she didn 't know my address , afraid that she might want to come and kick my ass or something . Later , I blocked her ; I couldn 't quite bring myself to de - friend her . I guess I probably should have . She was clearly nuts . That was back in the early spring . By that summer I 'd moved back into the house with my ex and my daughter , but of course that didn 't last either . The following winter I ran into Kelly again , at the bar . It was one of those high school alum get - togethers that people had been setting up via Facebook . When I saw her I went cold . She was with some guy that I didn 't know . She looked good , all done up , wearing a cool black leather jacket over a black turtleneck . I pretended I hadn 't noticed her and tried not to look in her direction . But I knew I couldn 't escape her attention . I was sure she 'd seen me . I swear I could feel her eyes staring daggers into my back . What would she do ? I wondered . Smack me upside the head ? Punch me ? Clock me with a beer bottle ? Drag me off my seat and start stomping on me ? These all seemed like real possibilities . I wanted to bolt , to just get the hell out of there , but for some reason I couldn 't make myself move . What was this ? I wondered . The kiss of death ? Was she going to shiv me in the back ? Or maybe pull a gun a shoot me down ? Nope . Nothing of the kind . She had no intention of harming me in any way shape or form . She was just saying , hi , being friendly , sociable . We were ? I thought . Friends ? Just friends ? Really ? Because I remembered it a bit differently , and wanted to say so , but I didn 't . I kept my mouth shut , nodding in agreement . Later , after we 'd hung out and drank and talked a bit , I found myself observing Kelly with Bernie . I wasn 't staring at her , ogling her anything . And I wasn 't jealous exactly . But I did notice something . It was the way Bernie looked at her , with a kind of goofy admiration bordering on reverence . It was sappy and a little annoying , but nice too . And , it was the way she was with him , sweet and solicitous , kind of giddy like a school girl . I got the impression that I was witnessing two people who were in love or falling in love , or at least something close to it . And it made me wonder . Was there something I 'd missed ? Since before dawn , I 'd been lying wide awake , staring up at the ceiling in my parents ' basement as the window wells slowly filled with the dull gray light off morning . A chorus of birds sang with the rise of the sun . I heard cars passing by outside on the street . The world was beginning its day , and I no longer had a place in it . My name is Sonny Ramone . I 'm 43 years old , divorced , and live in my parents ' basement . ( Funny how , I still think of it as my parents ' basement , even though my father has been dead since I was thirteen . ) And like so many people in this country , especially here in southeast Michigan , I am unemployed . When I first lost my job ( I was laid off ) I went into hyper - drive job - search mode , hitting the bricks - or in this case the internet - hard , looking for a new job . I wasn 't going to just sit idly by and let this happen to me . I was determined to find a new job before my first unemployment check came in , but I wasn 't able to do that . Still , I kept at it , waking early each morning , stretching , going for a jog , and then showering and dressing as if I had a job . I did have a job . Finding a job was my job , my full - time job . And I wanted to do it well . I was motivated , at least for the few weeks , even the first few months . Whenever I felt discouraged I just thought about my ten - year - old daughter , Melanie , and how I needed to help provide for her . But as the weeks and months passed even that wasn 't enough . I was applying to ten or more jobs a day and I wasn 't hearing anything . Not even rejections . I considered it a good sign if I got an acknowledgment that my resume was received at all . Eventually , I all but gave up . I still job - searched but I did so with little hope that anything would result from it . I began to find it harder and harder to even get out of bed , much less get on the computer and search the job sites . I started sleeping in . Some days I didn 't get out of bed until late afternoon , if at all . I watched TV and read and napped , a lot . I just didn 't feel like doing anything . Fifteen minute later , there was a plate of scrambled eggs and bacon in front of me , along with toast , a glass of orange juice , and coffee . I reflected on how nice it is to have someone make me a hot meal . That sort of things rarely happened when I was married ; I did most of the cooking . Of course , I knew she was right . I knew she was worried about me too . So I jumped in the shower , dressed , and went out , although I had no idea where I was going to go . I drove up Ryan Road passed my old high school , circling the parking lot . It was empty because school was out for the summer . Then I drove down the block passed the Catholic church I grew up attending . I couldn 't remember the last time that I 'd been in church . After that I circled around and drove passed my old middle school and the Elias Brother 's Big Boy restaurant across the street . A little further down was the Burger King , a popular hang out after football and basketball games . There was also a McDonalds about a mile from the Burger King where we 'd sometimes go too . Just passed the McDonalds was the K - Mart , and behind the K - Mart was K - Mart Hill , a popular place to park and hang out in high school , drinking and smoking and listening to music until the cops kicked us out . Why they called it K - Mart Hill I don 't know . There was no hill . There was a slight mound you had to climb to get from the parking lot to the field behind the K - Mart but I wouldn 't call it a hill , not much of one anyway . I drove passed some old make - out spots , and wondered if teenagers still used them . Finally , I just drove up and down random side streets , remembering houses of old friends and girlfriends and houses that I 'd been inside for parties , but after awhile the houses and streets all started to seem the same , and I felt lost , lost in a place that was too familiar . So I did what I did when I was a kid and had no place to go . I went to the mall . I figured I could kill some time walking around . I could buy a book and sit and read . And there was a bar in the mall where I could get a drink , although it probably wasn 't a good idea to start hanging out in bars in the middle of the day . That could be the beginning of the end for me . Walking from the car to the mall , I saw a woman coming out of the mall . I didn 't think anything of it until she got closer . My eyes aren 't what they used to be . By time I got close enough to recognize her it was too late to turn around . The best I could do was hope that she wouldn 't recognize me , but no dice . Debbie Kanicki was a girl I 'd gone to high school with . Actually , she wasn 't just any girl . She was a girl that I 'd had a major crush on from the moment I first saw her , on the first day of sixth grade in middle school . I pined for her from that day all the way through high school . She knew it too . Hell , everyone knew it . But she wasn 't interested in me , not in that way . She would only be my friend , and I gobbled up every little crumb of attention that she threw at me . Of course , she insisted on hugging me . Back in high school I would have killed to hug Debbie but now I was hesitant to do so . But what was I going to do , run away ? It felt good to hold her , too good . She smelled the same , light and clean and slightly floral . It was nice but it made me sad too , reminding me of how long it had been since I 'd been close to a woman . The last woman I 'd slept with was my ex - wife and I 'd been divorced for over a year , separated even longer than that . I made a point of not holding on too long to Debbie . It was she who held onto me , a moment longer than seemed appropriate it , but I wasn 't about to complain . And then when she finally broke the hug , she gave me a quick kiss on the lips that sent shock waves through my entire body . " Yes , " I said , which wasn 't a lie but it wasn 't the whole truth either . But I wasn 't about to tell her that I was living with my parents again . How pathetic ? She looked at her watch . " Actually , there is one thing that I have to take care of but it won 't take long . Let me just make a quick phone call . " She stepped away to make a call on her cell phone . Meanwhile I contemplated making a run for it . The last thing I wanted to do was eat lunch with Debbie . She finished her call and came back . " Okay . I have to make a quick run to meet a client but it won 't take long . Why don 't you come with me ? " " Wow . Cool . " I was genuinely impressed , running a business and selling houses . It seemed so important . Even when I was working I was just a schlep in an office . I had a cubicle and I wrote reports and went to meetings but it never felt all that important what I did . It was just a job . Like a lot of people I occasionally bitched about my job , but truthfully I was glad to have it , glad to have a place to go every day , a purpose , tasks to perform , goals to meet . Now that it was gone I realized just how important it was to me . I missed my job . I might not have been in love with it , but it was my job . It meant something to me , maybe nothing very profound , but something , something significant , to me anyway . " And so how is business ? " I asked . " Sometimes , " she said . " When I 'm stressed . Want a hit ? " She held out the cigarette for me . I thought it was a little odd that she offered me a hit off of her cigarette instead of just giving me one . I took the cigarette and dragged on it . It had been awhile since the last time I 'd smoked and inhaling was a little harsh , but I liked the immediate buzz it gave me . We drove north of the mall for a few miles and then turned into a subdivision and parked on the street in front of a grey - brick house . There was a big , red Ford F150 pick - up truck parked in the driveway . It had an extended cab and a shiny silver tool box in the back . I wondered how these people could afford to drive these big vehicles , the gas I mean ? What did they do for a living ? A guy got out of the truck . He was wearing jeans and work boots , a jean jacket over white t - shirt and a baseball cap , and aviator sunglasses . Walking up to Debbie , it looked as if he was going to hug her , but she stopped short to avoid it . They talked for a moment , standing there in the driveway . He looked over in my direction . Then they went inside . They weren 't gone long when I got the urge to snoop around Debbie 's vehicle . I opened the glove compartment . I found that little owner 's manual that tells you how to operate the radio and use the cruise control and stuff like that , a couple of maps , and a package of travel tissues . Also , a pen and small pad of paper . I opened the arm rest between the front seats and revealed a row of CDs - Springsteen , Steve Miller , Mitch Ryder … Ah , there it was ; the Doors LA Woman album . Whenever I heard a Doors song I always thought of Debbie , especially the song , " Love Her Madly . " Debbie had left the keys in the ignition so I was able to pop the disc into the CD player . I went to " Love Her Madly " and played it . From opening guitar riff , it took me back to my high school days , especially time spent with Debbie . I could picture her at 17 as if she were sitting right there next to me . Don 't you love her as she 's walking out the door Just like she did one thousand times before . … the guy that Debbie went into the house with came storming out of the house , stomping down the driveway to his truck . He got in and slammed the door , started the vehicle , and pulled out of the drive and tore off , squealing his tires . Debbie had come out of the house behind him and she just stood there and watched him go . I didn 't respond right away . I let the moment settle . Then I said , " You know , he doesn 't really seem like an enthusiastic buyer . " It worked . Debbie laughed . We went inside the house and Debbie explained to me that that guy wasn 't a client . He was just a disgruntled contractor . I wasn 't sure that I believed her . I mean , who cries over a dispute with a contractor , especially Debbie . In fact , up until that moment I don 't think I 'd ever seen her come even close to crying . But I didn 't dispute her explanation . Debbie took a bottle of champagne from the refrigerator , something she liked to keep on hand for when she sold the house , to toast the sale with the buyers . She gave the bottle to me to pop and fished a couple of champagne flutes out of the cupboard . We filled the glasses and then Debbie said : " Here 's to … what ? What do we drink to ? " In the end we decided who needs a reason to drink . And then we ordered pizza , delivered to the house . While we were waiting Debbie asked me if I wanted the tour . I told her sure , as long as she understood that I wasn 't in the market for a house . The house wasn 't completely empty . It was sparsely furnished , as if someone had only just begun moving in , beginning with the major pieces of furniture . Debbie explained that this helped give buyers an idea of how the place could look once they 'd moved in while leaving room for imagination . Otherwise it was just a bunch of connected empty spaces . Also , if the buyers liked the furniture it could help nurture the sale . And if they didn 't like the furniture , you could point out how much better the place will look once the buyer added their own special touches to the place . It was one of the tricks of the trade , she said , like baking cookies for a showing . We ended the tour in the back yard on the concrete patio . There was a wrought iron garden table with four matching chairs around it . That 's where we sat and ate pizza and drank champagne and talked . I was worried that Debbie was going to ask about my job and my family , because those seemed to be the two things that everyone asked about . I didn 't want to have to tell her that I was unemployed and divorced and living in my parents ' basement . It was too embarrassing . But for some reason I didn 't want to lie to her either . As it turned out she didn 't ask about my job or my family . All she seemed to want to talk about was the " good ol ' days " when we were in high school . She said remember this and remember that … And , remember that time I … and remember that time you … and remember that time we … And , remember when so and so and so and so did this and that … It was our senior year and I 'd given Debbie a ring for her birthday , just a small token of my affection and friendship ; I knew that she was dating Walter at the time . It was silver with two pearls and a diamond . She accepted it at first but then later gave it back to me , telling me that she couldn 't take it . She said that she just couldn 't . It was a beautiful ring and she appreciated it very much but it just wasn 't right . She was sorry . We were driving in her car , just the two of us . She 'd come around to my house to pick me up , to go driving around , or so I thought . She tried to hand me the ring in its velvety box but I would not take it from her . So she set it on my leg . Still I would not touch it . I let it sit there on my thigh . She tried to be nice , tried to say all the right things in all the right ways , but to me everything she said was wrong . Finally , I picked up the ring box , clutched it in my hand . I was looking out the passenger side window , trying to hold back tears . We were driving passed Shaw Park . The park was dark and empty . When Debbie stopped at a stop sign , I jumped out of the car and ran , disappearing into the darkness and trees . I ran through the back of the park to the trails behind it , trails that I used to ride my BMX bike on when I was younger . I made my way through dirt trails to the field between the park and my old elementary school . I crossed the field to the red - brick school building . Behind the school I sat on a swing , holding the ring box . I wanted to throw it away , chuck it as hard and far as I could but for some reason I couldn 't let go of it . I don 't know how long I sat there . Maybe for an hour , maybe longer . Maybe not that long . It felt like a long time . Finally , I got up and trudged home . It didn 't occur to me to stay hidden while I made my way home , that I should travel under the cover of darkness through the back of the park again . Instead , I walked out in the open on the sidewalk out in front of the park , in the light of the streetlamps , my head hanging , feeling sorry for myself . So I didn 't notice Walter pull up in his car . I stopped for a second , until I realized who it was . Then I kept walking . Walter was the last person I wanted to talk to , but that didn 't matter . He wanted to talk to me . He caught up to me and got in front of me , cutting off my path . I tried to walk around him but he was having none of it . " You 're not going anywhere , " he said , giving me a shove backward . Despite his goofy name , Walter had a reputation for a being a tough guy , a fighter , a hard ass . And I was scared of him . " Debbie 's really upset right now , " he said . Still , I refused to talk . I refused to even look at him . Walter didn 't like that . He gave me a little slap across the face and said , " Look at me . " I did . " Stop giving her a hard time , you got it . " When I didn 't respond , he got right up in my face and repeated , " Got it ! " " No , " I said , and started walking . This time Walter let me go . When his car passed by and was well out of sight , I told him to fuck off . All I wanted was to be left alone , but of course I couldn 't have that . It was some kind of policy that a suicide attempt was not to be left alone . So there was always someone there with me . I hated it . And then the nurse came in to tell me that there was someone here to see me . Of course , I thought , Its Debbie . She 's come to me finally . But it wasn 't her . It was the priest from our church . My mother had called him to come and talk to me . And since I was basically trapped in my bed I had to sit there and pretend like I gave a shit what he had to say , when all I really wanted was to see Debbie . " What do you mean ? " I said , wondering just how much she knew about my situation . I 'd made it a point to not to talk to people about getting divorced and losing my job but these things seemed to have a way of getting around anyway . For example , I 'd heard rumors that Debbie and Walter weren 't doing so well , that their marriage was on the rocks . But they might have been just that - rumors . And then for what seemed like a long time we just sat there in silence , staring off into the back yard . I wanted more than anything to get up and go , but I couldn 't . After all Debbie had driven us here . Finally , she said , " Well , I 'm too drunk to drive . I need to clear my head first . " And then she got up and went back inside the house . She returned shortly with a small duffle in hand that she must have gotten from her Jeep and told me that she was going to jump into the shower . After a time , I heard the water running upstairs . My mind began to wander . I imagined getting up and going back into the house and taking the stairs up to the second floor and going to the master bedroom where Debbie was in the bathroom taking a shower . The door would be slightly ajar , a subtle signal for me to enter . In the bathroom I could just make out Debbie naked form behind the cloudy shower curtain . " You came , " she 'd say , pulling the curtain aside , and the look on her face would tell me everything I needed to know . I 'd strip naked and climb into the shower with her . We 'd start making love in the shower and finish in the bed and thus we would begin our new life together . Of course , none of that happened . In the midst of my fantasy the water stopped running and I was returned to reality , in which I was going to wait for Debbie to come back downstairs . When , after a time , she didn 't , I went upstairs and found her wrapped in a towel , lying on the bed . For a moment , I just stood there staring in disbelief . She lay on her side with her back to me . Thinking that she didn 't know I was there , I started to leave . That 's when she raised her hand in the air , reaching toward me , and said , " Sonny . Would you lie down with me ? " " Okay , " I said . Kicking off my shoes , I climbed into bed next to her . She took hold of my hand and pulled my arm over her . " Mmmm , " she said , pressing her backside against my hard - on . I wondered if I should try to make a move . Did she want me to ? Would she let me ? I was scared . It was just like that time in high school at the Galaxy Drive - In when I found myself in the back seat of a car with Debbie . It was a Saturday night and of course we 'd both been drinking . We started making out . I tried to go up her shirt . She didn 't try to stop me . I stopped myself . It was as if I didn 't want to . But I did , badly . But I didn 't want it to be like that , squalid and public . I remember the following Monday in school Debbie acted as if I 'd done something wrong . Now , I just lay there , holding her . At first we didn 't realize it was Walter . All we knew was that someone had come into the house . It could have been the potential buyers , showing up late , but then he called out for Debbie . " Hey , honey ! Where are you ? " " Oh , shit ! " Debbie said . " You need to hide . " She directed me into the next bedroom and had me lock the door from the inside and wait there until she let me know it was okay to come out . I pressed my ear against the door , listening to Walter come up the stairs , wondering where I might retreat to if he were to come into the room . There was the closet or under the bed but going to either of those places would only prolong my inevitable discovery . There were windows in the room but it was two stories down . All I could do was hope that he would stay away . But that didn 't happen . There was only the low amicable back and forth of conversation . And then that stopped , replaced by other noises . It took me a moment to get the picture - they were fucking . I had to wait for what seemed like a long time . After I heard Walter leave , go down the stairs and out the front door , get into his car and drive away , I didn 't wait for Debbie to come and get me . I got up from where I was sitting on the floor with my back against the door and went back down the hall to the master bedroom . The door was slightly ajar . I knew Debbie was still in there . I could hear her . It sounded like she was making the bed . I knew I shouldn 't look , that I should just go downstairs and wait for Debbie there , but for some reason I couldn 't help myself . I pushed the door open . Debbie was still wrapped in a towel . Her damp hair was a tangled mess . I was right , she was making the bed . She didn 't look at me , just said in an infuriatingly neutral voice , as if nothing strange had just happened , " I 'll be down in a just minute , okay . " When Debbie came downstairs , dressed not in her work clothes but in a pair of shorts and blouse that she must have had in her bag , she told me that she couldn 't drive me back to my car . She gave me fifty bucks and asked if I wouldn 't mind calling a cab . I said I didn 't mind but that fifty was too much money , I certainly didn 't need that much , but she insisted that I take it . So I did . By time I got back to my car it was just starting to get dark . I was hot and tired . I got in my car and drove home . I could smell dinner as I walked up the driveway to the house . Inside , my mother had already finished eating . For some reason , I found myself thinking that if my father wasn 't dead he 'd be in the living , sitting in the easy chair , watching TV , while Mom cleaned up in the kitchen . I went downstairs where it was cool and damp and dark . I didn 't turn on the lights . I kicked off my shoes , crawled into bed and pulled the covers over my head , hiding until all the light had drained away . Posted on August 10 , 2011 by sonnypi67 People say , " Good luck . " And I believe that they are sincere . But I can 't help wondering if they 're also thinking , " Whew , I 'm glad it 's not me . " They must be , some of them . I know I would be thinking that . As I was leaving yesterday the IT guy at work asked me if I was tired of people wishing me good luck . I had to admit I was a little . Part of me wants to say , " Don 't wish me good luck . Find me a job . " Actually , a few people have given me tips . So … People say , " Hang in there . " And right now , that 's exactly how I feel , as if I 'm hanging on a ledge , dangling over a deep drop . Yikes ! People say , " Something will come along . " And they are probably right . Eventually , I 'll be working someplace else , a new job , a better one perhaps . But it might not be a better job . It might be a shit job . But a shit job is better than no job , right ? Right ? And sometimes I can 't help wondering , " What if nothing comes along ? What if I am unable to find a new job , ever ? " There are people who have given up looking , because they believe that there are no more jobs available to them . Of course , that can 't be true , but I bet it feels true . Feels true to me sometimes . I mean , I 'd been looking long before I even got my lay - off notice and intensified my search once I did find out , but still nothing . Sometimes I wonder if it 's possible to fall through the cracks and end up unemployed for … life . Could that be possible ? How could that be possible … . ? But the possibility got me thinking . About a story idea . What if there were no more jobs ? What if there were only a limited number of jobs ? And they were , for the most , taken , and you had all these unemployed people who need jobs but can 't get one ? What if the jobs you see posted online are for the most part a lie , propaganda to make people believe that there are jobs available . What if it got so bad that the only way to get a job was to not only be selected from thousands of applicants and make it successfully through the interview process but you had to fight for it . To the death . That you had to kill the person who also wanted the job or already had the job ? Could you do it , if it meant the difference between having a life and providing for your family , making sure they had a place to live and food on the table and clothes on their back , and existing in squalor and hunger , as if in a third - world country ?

They say when you assume that you make an ass out of you and me . Kenton Mayson learned this lesson firsthand when he made assumptions about Autumn Freeman and the kind of woman she is based on what little information he had . What he finds out is she 's not only beautiful , but also smart , funny , a fighter , and exactly the kind of woman he wants to share his life with . Autumn made assumptions of her own about Kenton , and now he needs to prove her wrong in order to protect her and their future . I see you judging me . I know what you 're thinking . She has to be a slut ; she works at a strip club and takes off her clothes for money . Yes ! I work at a strip club , and you may think I 'm a whore for showing off my body , but this is a talent that has been forced down my throat since I was a young child . Look pretty and smile . I put on a show for those who choose to watch . However long I 'm on stage , I 'm not even me . It 's what I imagine an out of body experience would be like - a performance , nothing more , nothing less . The people watching make assumptions about who they think I am , or cook up a story in their heads of whom they want me to be . I 'm just another beautiful face . Beautiful . I hate that fucking word . Who gives a crap if someone is attractive on the outside if they are dying inside ? My whole life has been about what I look like . I swear , the only reason my mother kept me was to have a real - life , living , breathing doll she could dress up and control , which is the exact reason why as soon as I became eighteen , I got as far away from her special brand of crazy as I could . That 's also why I don 't date . The first thing guys do is look at me and see a pretty face , a nice body , and an empty space where my brain 's supposed to be . They have no interest in getting to know the person I am on the inside . They don 't care I volunteer my spare time , and they couldn 't care less I 'm going to school to be an RN . They don 't ask about my hopes , my dreams , or about where I see my life in twenty years . They don 't care about me at all . They just want someone pretty to follow them around and tell them how handsome they are , how special they are , while agreeing with everything they say . Fuck that ! I did that for too many years . That 's why I live inside books . At least there I can choose where I want to be - from the highlands of Scotland , to a king 's bed in a faraway land - and even if it 's pretend , sometimes that 's a lot better than reality . Chapter 1 I look out the plane window , my finger going to the glass , feeling the cold on my fingertips as I look out at the land moving quickly below me . It 's funny how from up here , everything looks so small . I never traveled in a plane before today ; just the idea of being trapped inside a tin can while flying at six hundred miles an hour never appealed to me . I take a breath and look at the TV monitor that 's in the seat in front of me . The small , animated plane on the screen shows we 're over halfway to Tennessee . " Are you traveling for business or pleasure ? " I turn my head and look at the guy sitting next to me . He 's slightly overweight and balding , but he also has wrinkles around his eyes , giving him the appearance of someone who smiles often . I debate with myself on whether or not to answer before replying , " Business . " His eyes drop to my mouth , then to my chest as I fight the urge to punch him in the throat . I hate when men go from nice to creepy . I shake my head , turning away from him . I don 't know why I even try . I feel a hand on my bare leg and my head swings around quickly . " Touch me again and I will rip off your balls and feed them to you , " I tell him in a soft tone , trying not to bring attention to us . He quickly removes his hand before swallowing hard . I shake my head before turning my body away from his . I feel tears sting my nose , but I fight them back . No way am I going to cry now - not when just six hours ago , my whole world exploded and I didn 't shed one single tear . I lay my forehead to the glass , closing my eyes . I still can 't believe how fast my life changed … I got up that morning and went to the hospital like I always do . I work at one of the busiest ERs in Vegas . I 've been working there since I finished school , and was required to get my clinical hours for my RN certification . As soon as I walked into the building , I was loaded down with work . Weekends are always crazy in Sin City , but yesterday seemed worse than normal - two drug overdoses , three stomach pumps , and one gun shot victim . Later , I was leaving the hospital exhausted , only to head to my real job - well , the one that pays me the money I need to live . " Hey , Angel . " " Hey , Sid . " I gave him a half - smile as I walked into The Lions Den , the gentlemen 's club I worked at . Do I like to strip ? No . Does it pay my bills ? Yes . The second I get on stage , I 'm no longer me ; my brain shuts off and my body takes over , the same way it used to when I was growing up and my mom forced me into pageants . I 'm accustomed to being on display and used for my appearance . I wish life was different , but it is what it is . Some people complain about being overweight or having acne ; for me , I hate being beautiful . I know it sounds stupid ; I mean , why would anyone complain about being attractive , right ? Here 's why : men see me as an object , and women see me as competition . No one is ever willing to give me a chance ; they all judge me by what 's on the outside , never taking a second to find out even the smallest detail about who I am . I know I 'm a walking cliché ; I hate being beautiful , yet I work in a business where I put myself front and center to be viewed and judged . The difference ? For the first time in my life , when I get on stage , it 's my choice ; no one is forcing me to do it . I get up there to earn the money so I can change my life in a way that will make it where I never have to be objectified again . " Tired ? " Sid questioned , following me . I had worked for Sid for the last three years . He was a friend of sorts ; he 's also my boss . " Yeah , I can 't wait until my clinical hours are over and I can start w " I don 't like that I won 't see your face all the time , but I know you need to move on , " he conceded . " Some other girl will come in and you will forget all about me . " " Never , Angel . " His eyes move over my face and he shakes his head . " You 're working VIP tonight . " He followed me down the hall towards the dressing rooms . " Sure , " I agreed , already exhausted . I needed a shower and a bed , but knew I was going to be there for at least eight hours , so I might as well suck it up . " The guys coming in are important , so you need to make sure they 're happy the whole time they 're here . " " I 'll make sure they 're taken care of , " I assured him . " Thanks , Angel . " He kissed my forehead like he often did before walking away . I watched him go for a second before pulling myself together . " Oh ! Look who 's here , " Tessa said as soon as I entered the dressing room . I ignored her and tossed my bag into my locker before pulling my scrubs off . Tessa is a bitch ; she is just like the girls I used to compete against in pageants . To her , life is a competition , and she is determine to come out the winner , even if she has to throw everyone else under the bus on her way to the top . " Mick said I could work VIP tonight , " she said to one of the other girls in the room . I ignored her , knowing better than to tell her it wasn 't happening . I was sure Mick did tell her that … after she took him in the backroom and gave him something to convince him . " Pixie said the guys coming in are some big - time land developers , so you know the tips are going to be outrageous . Thank God , because I need to have my tits redone , and that shit is not cheap . " I rolled my eyes and headed for the shower room . I had met a couple nice girls during my time here , but most were just like Tessa - a whole lot of hair , tits , ass , and not much else . I stood in front of the mirror and put on a coat of red lipstick before standing back , looking myself over . The VIP dress code is different than the rest of the club . The required outfit consists of a sheer , black overlay bra , black silk panties , a black garter belt with sheer hose , and black heels . My long , naturally red hair was pulled back on one side by a large flower ; the rest was loose and wavy , flowing down my back and one shoulder . My creamy white skin , red lips , and smoky eyes made me look almost like a sexy vamp . " You ready , Angel ? " Sid asked , pounding on the door . " Showtime , " I whispered before opening the door . " You look beautiful ; I 'm going to take you in there and introduce you before heading out . " " Sure . " I followed him down the hall to the club . The Lion 's Den is well - known in the area for its exclusivity . The walls are painted a dark brown , and the booths are designed into the walls , making the space feel intimate . The stage is in the center of the room , with a single spotlight shining down on it . Every booth has a girl assigned to it , and VIP has two girls . We aren 't allowed to interact with the customers without being asked directly to do so . The club is less of a strip club , and more of a place for men to hangout and drink while having beautiful women tend to them . If they choose to , they can watch the girl in the center of the room put on a show . I had been on stage several times in the three years I 've worked here . I never told Sid I didn 't like it up there , but he normally put me in VIP , or assigned me to a booth for the night . " Why are you so worried about these guys ? " " That 's huge ! Congrats , honey . " I squeezed his bicep and gave him a smile . " One day , Angel , I 'm gonna take you away from this place and show you happiness . I wanna see that smile everyday . " My heart did a little thud . Sid is a very attractive man , but he 's not for me . I don 't want or need a man ; they get you all discombobulated , filling your head with a bunch of lies then expect you to follow them around . I did that once . I thought a man was going to save me from the hell I was living in . I gave him my virginity and my heart , and he gave me a child I wasn 't allowed to keep and a heart so broken nothing or no one would ever put it back together again . I looked through the two - way mirror at the men around the table in the VIP room . " All right , " Sid says from beside me , " the man in the center at the table is John Barbato ; he is the owner of three of the largest clubs in the city . The guy there on his left is Steven Creo ; he 's some big wig on Wall Street and has backed more than half the new clubs and casinos opening on The Strip . The guy to the right of John has a location they 're interested in purchasing . " " I 'm sure he did , " I mumbled , looking back into the room . " What other bouncers are on tonight ? " I hated when Mick and Craig worked together ; they were both more concerned about hooking up with the girls than what was going on out on the floor . " Link 's here now . " " Good . " Link was a good guy and a close friend . He also took his job seriously . " All right , let me introduce you quickly before I head out . " " Guys , I want you to meet Angel . She 's gonna be your girl for the night . You need anything , you ask her , and she will make sure you 're taken care of , " Sid tells them , gesturing to me . " Angel will be right back ; give me a minute guys . " " Sure , " the one that spoke before said . As Sid and I stepped away , I heard from behind me , " Do you think the curtains match the drapes ? " and they all laughed . I hated that saying , and I swore once I was free of this lifestyle , I would kick the next man in the nuts who said it . " Okay , I gotta head out . I won 't be back for two weeks , " Sid said once we were standing in the hall . " Have a safe trip . " His eyes searched my face . His mouth opened and closed like he was going to say something , but instead , he shook his head , kissed my cheek , and walked off down the hall muttering something under his breath . Tessa came around the corner a couple seconds later with a smug smile on her face . I hate to admit it , but she is beautiful . Her skin has a natural glow that makes her look healthy and youthful . Her hair is black and thick , reaching the top of her ass . Her eyes curve out at the corners , showing off her Asian - American heritage . " You ready ? " she asked , looking at me from head to toe . I avoided rolling my eyes at her before stepping into the room behind her . After we took the first orders , we stood back while the men talked . I learned a long time ago to zone myself out . We were there as eye candy and nothing else . There was a knock on the door , and I knew the drinks had arrived . Tessa answered it , opening the door wide , and the man who brought the tray in was someone I had never seen before . He looked to be mid - thirties , had long , shaggy black hair , and brown eyes . When he set the tray down on the table in the corner , he turned and did something odd that had me watching him more closely . His hand went to his back as he looked over at the men who were still busy talking . When his eyes came to me , he smiled before walking out of the room . I looked at Tessa to see if she had noticed anything strange , but she was busy handing out the drinks and flirting with the men at the table . We stood to the side again once the men had their drinks ; every once inEveryone started screaming and running in every direction . I ran into a solid wall , and when I looked up to see it was Link , he wrapped an arm around my waist , turned , and pushed me behind the bar . I stumbled in my heels , falling to my knees and hitting the ground hard . I crawled under the counter and curled myself into a ball , shaking out of fear for my life . I listened as people screamed , but didn 't hear anymore gunshots . I don 't know how long I stayed like that , but it felt like forever until I heard police sirens . " Autumn , " Link called my real name , snapping me out of my terrified huddle . I peeked out from behind my hands as he crouched down in front of me . " Did you get him ? " He shook his head , putting out his hand for me to take . I shook my head no - I was safe ; I didn 't want to move from that spot . " Come on , Angel , he 's gone . " I shook my head again . " Nothing is going to happen to you . I promise you 're safe . " I swallowed against the lump in my throat , squeezing my eyes closed . " Tessa ? " I asked him . His eyes closed and his head dropped forward . " No , " I whispered , shaking my head . " No . " " Not sure , but the cops are here . I need you to come out of there so you can talk to them , " he told me gently , holding out his hand again . I nodded , reluctantly taking it . Even though I didn 't like Tessa , she didn 't deserve what happened to her . None of the people in the room deserved what happened to them . " I should have tried to help her . " " Nothing you could have done , " Link said , and my eyes went from to the floor to his . He shook his head , wrapped his beefy arm around my shoulders , and walked me over to a barstool . I sat there until the cops came up a few minutes later and told me they needed to talk to me at the station . " Can she get some clothes on ? " Link - who had given me the shirt off his back and hadn 't left my side - asked one of the detectives . " Sure , " the guy mumbled . I slid off the barstool and dazedly walked to the dressing room . When I walked in , all the girls were there , huddled together and crying . I didn 't know what to say to them ; most of them had been friends with Tessa . I felt horrible they had lost their friend , but was unsure if they would want me to express my condolences . I walked to my locker and started to pull off my stockings when one of the girls came up to me , wrapping her arms around me . Shocked , I hugged her back , and more of the girls gathered around me . We all stood there silently for a few minutes ; most of the girls were crying while a couple mumbled about how everything would be okay . I wasn 't sure anything would ever be okay again ; I just watched five people die and was lucky to still be alive . " I have to go with the police , " I told the girls when it didn 't seem like they were going to let me go . After a second , they all started breaking away from me one - by - one , giving me reassuring hugs . " Call me if you want to talk , " one of the girls , Elsa , said , handing me a business card with her personal information on it . I looked at it for a long second before nodding . I had never really been friends with any of them . Maybe that needed to change " I 'm not letting you go through this alone . " He pulled me into his side . I could feel tears sting my eyes , and I fought them back . I wasn 't going to cry until this was all over , when I could do it alone , hiding under my covers with my face stuffed into a pillow … like I always did . " I don 't understand why I have to leave the state , " I told Link , putting another pair of shoes in my bag . I had no idea how long I would be gone , and Link made it sound like I wouldn 't be able to come back to Vegas for a long while . " Angel , I hate to remind you , but you 're the only witness , and from what the cops said , the guy is a killer paid by the mob to do hits on people . " I sighed , looking around my house . I hated I was leaving , but knew it was for the best . I was at the police station for over eight hours going over what happened then sitting with a sketch artist . Somehow , the guy who had shot Tessa and those men had avoided every camera in the club . The cops informed me I needed to be extra cautious . I was the only witness , and they were concerned he would come after me . When Link found out what they said , he made a call to one of his friends from back home in Tennessee and asked if he would be willing to let me stay with him until the police caught the guy . The man , Kenton , agreed , telling Link I would be safe . I hated I was leaving my home , but if my only options were either death or moving , the choice was begrudgingly clear . I bit the inside of my cheek and nodded before going into the closet to get another suitcase . Might as well pack enough stuff to last me . Once I was all packed and ready to go , we got into Link 's SUV and headed for the airport . I was nervous the whole way , feeling like something crazy was about to happen … Today " Ladies and Gentlemen , we 're about twenty minutes out from our arrival destination . The weather in Nashville is mostly clear and sunny ; the temperature is eighty - five degrees . The pilot has now turned on the fasten seatbelt sign . Flight crew , please prepare for landing , " I hear through my sleep - ridden state and lift my head from the wall where I had rested it . I wipe my mouth with the sleeve of my sweater before looking around to see everyone is putting their belongings away . I make sure my seatbelt is secure before sitting back . My leg starts bouncing up and down quickly , and I rub the tattoo behind my ear , trying to think about something other than the plane landing . Once we are on the ground , I wait until everyone is off the plane to make my way out into the terminal . I go to baggage claim and look around , but I have no clue what this guy looks like . All I know is that his name is Kenton , and he is supposed to be picking me up . I don 't see anyone who looks like they 're searching for someone , so I go to the conveyer belt and spot one of my bags as soon as I get there . I pull it off , stumbling back slightly from the weight , as every guy here just watches me without offering to help . I look around again , wondering if I 'm supposed to call someone to tell them I landed . I pull my phone out , click it off airplane mode , and send a text to Link letting him know I had arrived . He sends me a message back letting me know Kenton had called and told him he couldn 't make it to pick me up , and I should just catch a cab to his house ; the door would be unlocked . I shake my head , cursing under my breath , and almost miss one of my other bags going around the belt . Luckily , I catch it at the last second . I carry it over to my other bag , and turn around just in time to see my last bag about to go through the tunnel . I run as fast as I can in my flip flops , and land half - on the conveyor belt , my bottom - half being dragged along the floor as I grab the handle of my bag , pulling it back so hard it flies over my head , causing me to land on my back with my hands over my head . " You must be Autumn , " I hear rumbled from above me . I tilt my head back and look up at the man standing over me . He 's upside - down , but even from my awkward position , he is good looking . His chuckle makes me grit my teeth though , and I stand up , putting my bag on its wheels before turning back to face him . " You are ? " He raises a brow to me , shaking his head , looking me over from head to toe . My body heats immediately under his gaze . I take my sweater off , wrapping it around my waist and clearing my throat . " You are ? " I ask him again , getting annoyed that he 's obviously finding this so funny if the smirk on his face is anything to go by . " Kenton . " He smiles . " Those bags yours ? " He nods towards my other two bags . " Yes . " I blow some hair out of my face , looking into his blue eyes and wondering why the hell I feel so hot all of a sudden . He looks away , going over to my bags while I take the time to look him over . He 's tall - much taller than my five - five . His hair touches the edge of the black t - shirt he has on . He needed a cut a while ago , but judging by the dark scruff along his jaw , I can tell he doesn 't care much about grooming . His shoulders are broad , tapering down to a lean waist ; his thighs are thick , incased in a pair of dark jeans that have shredded around the bottom by his heels , and his wallet is imprinted in the back pocket like he wears them often . I look at his ass as he leans over . I can 't believe I 'm checking a man out ; I 'm not one to be the slightest bit sexually interested in anyone . My eyes travel lower , looking at his feet , which are enclosed in a very large pair of black boots . I wonder absently if what they say is true about shoe size . I shake my head at my thoughts , dragging my bag with me towards him . " I thought you couldn 't make it , " I tell him when I reach his side . My head tilts back to look up into his eyes . " Yeah , change of plans , " he mutters , looking at me . I wait to see if he 's going to say anything else . Apparently , he isn 't going to , so I shake my head again and lower my face towards the ground . " You tired ? " His voice is dark and rich , and does something crazy to my insides . I nod , lifting my head . " Let 's roll ; you can sleep when we reach the house . " I don 't say anything else . Something is wrong with me ; maybe I 'm getting sick . I follow him out of the terminal into the car park . When we reach the parking lot , he stops and pulls a set of keys from his pocket . I hear the beep and look around , expecting him to be driving a large truck , a Hummer , or maybe even a tank . I never expected him to be driving a Dodge Viper , the black - on - black of the car only making it look hotter . I look at my bags , wondering how we will get them in the car . " It 'll be tight , but they 'll fit , " he mumbles , pulling my other two bags with him . I can 't help noticing the flex of his muscles as he gets my bags into the car , or the fact even his fingers are attractive . It takes some maneuvering , but he does get my bags to fit . I sigh , sitting down on the warm leather once we 're done . " I 'm just gonna drop you off at the house . I gotta head out for a bit , but you have free rein . Just make yourself at home ; there 's food in the fridge , and fresh sheets on the bed in the guest room . " " Thank you for doing this , " I tell him , looking at his profile . He is seriously good looking , and the butterflies in my stomach are making me feel anxious about staying with him . " Don 't mention it . So … you and Link ? " It took a second to decipher his words between the thickness of his accent , his smell , and the nervous energy I was feeling . Being in his presence , my brain seemed to have shut down . " He 's a friend . " Shit , maybe I should have said he was my boyfriend . I looked over at him again ; he didn 't seem to be as on edge as I was . He was probably used to women swooning over him . My gut tightened with something , and it took a second to realize what it was . My body froze . Jealousy , really ? I must be going into shock or something - I don 't get jealous . " How 'd you two meet ? " " We work at the same club , " I murmured , squirming in my seat . " Oh yeah , " he mumbled , his knuckles turning white from his grip on the steering wheel . I didn 't know what that meant , but the energy in the car changed , making me want to get away from him . We drove in silence for the next half - hour , the car winding its way through one small town after another until we went up what seemed like the side of a mountain . The area was surrounded by forest on either side of the road . We drove for about five minutes more before turning onto a dirt road that took us deeper into the forest . I wanted to ask if he lived out here and about where he worked , and a million other questions , but my mouth had gone dry , and the energy in his car hadn 't gotten any better , so I decided to keep my mouth shut . I was going to be stuck with him for a while , so I figured there would be time for all of that later . I looked ahead of us , and squinted as the image of a large house came into view . It was a very large brick house ; the front had two porches , one on the first floor , one on the second , and both wrapped around the front of the house . It was beautiful and expansive . I looked over at Kenton again , gaging if I should ask him if this was his house . His jaw was ticking , and the vein in his neck was pulsing wildly . I had no idea what had set him off , but figured my best bet was to sit there quietly until he calmed down . We parked in front of the house , where there was no real designated parking place . He unfolded himself out of the car without saying anything , and I took that as my cue to follow him . By the time I made it to the back of the car , he had both of my bags out and was back on the driver 's side , sliding his seat forward so he could get to the bag in the backseat . Without a word , he carried two of my bags up the front porch and right into the house . I dragged my last bag with me , following close behind him . He set my bags down at the bottom of the staircase , then turned to look at me . " Your room is at the top of the stairs to the right . There 's a bathroom across the hall you can uI stood there for a few minutes , just looking at the door , then I looked around for an alarm , but didn 't see one . Tears stung my nose again as I recalled the look of disgust on his face when he told me to get myself off . I said a silent , " Fuck you , " and looked at my bags then the stairs , shaking my head - I could cry once I got settled in the room . I carried my bags up the stairs one at a time , and by the time I was done , I was so exhausted that I laid face first on the bed , put my head under the pillow , and cried until I fell asleep . There was a pounding on the door , and I rolled , falling off the bed and onto the floor . " You didn 't set the alarm , " I heard growled . I stood up , pushing my hair out of my face , glaring at Kenton , who stood in the doorway with his arms crossed over his chest . " I looked and didn 't see the alarm to set it . " I copied his posture , crossing my arms over my chest . " You could have asked Link for it . " He shook his head . " I 'm sorry , but if you wanted me to have your number , I figured you would have given it to me , " I retorted . " Did you eat ? " he asked , changing the subject suddenly and throwing me off - guard . " No , and I 'm not hungry ; I 'm just really tired , " I told him , rubbing my face . All I wanted to do was go to sleep and forget about the last forty - eight hours . " You need to eat something , " he chided , uncrossing his arms and placing his hands on his hips . " Suit yourself . " He shrugged then looked me over again , his eyes lingering on my chest . I glanced down and groaned . Seriously ? My boobs were in my bra , hanging over the top of my tank - top . I quickly adjusted my shirt before narrowing my eyes on him . He smirked , looking up into my face . " Make sure you set the alarm from now on . The panel is inside the room off the entry , first door to the right . " " Got it . " My body was doing that hot thing again , and I wondered why it kept happening when he was around . " All right , doll , get some rest . I 'll see you tomorrow . " He let his eyes linger on me for a few moments more , and then shook his head , stepping out of the room . I went to the side of the bed and turned on the light before walking to the door and shutting it . I leaned my head back , closing my eyes and breathing in deeply . I ran a finger across my tattoo behind my ear before opening my eyes and looking around . I could do this ; I had lived through much worse and came out on top . I just needed to get a plan in place . Aurora Rose Reynolds is a navy brat who 's husband served in the United States Navy . She has lived all over the country but now resides in New York City with her Husband and pet fish . She 's married to an alpha male that loves her as much as the men in her books love their women . He gives her over the top inspiration everyday . In her free time she reads , writes and enjoys going to the movies with her husband and cookie . She also enjoys taking mini weekend vacations to nowhere , or spends time at home with friends and family . Last but not least she appreciates everyday and admires it 's beauty . Hi everyone ! I 'm Zakirrah . I 'm addicted to books and art . . i love painting , drawing sewing knitting the list is endless ! I am an avid reader , blogger and reviewer . . I love reading all sorts of genres from crime , psychological thrillers to romance and comedy : ) View my complete profile

1 : Dedication This book is dedicated to those who are able to view the world from a different perspective . " If you just learn a single trick , Scout , you 'll get along a lot better with all kinds of folks . You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view . . . Until you climb inside of his skin and walk around in it . " spoken by Atticus Finch in To Kill a Mockingbird - a novel by Harper Lee 4 : Take to the Skies by Reeve | Athena swayed back and forth on the narrow perch inside her tiny cage as the train rumbled along the rickety old tracks . She could clearly hear the anxious , panicked cries of her fellow zoo mates around her and smell them as well , but a thick , dark cloth obscured her view of her surroundings . All Athena knew was that she was going somewhere far away , because she had been in her minuscule enclosure for hours , and there had been no signs of stopping soon . Her eyes blinked slowly and sleepily , but she had been fighting her urge to nap for she knew it wise to stay aware of what was happening . However , nothing truly bad had happened yet , so she finally succumbed and tucked her head beneath her soft tawny wing , and drifted into a deep sleep . 5 : The elegant barn owl had just been dreaming of soaring through a clear blue sky , chasing prey , when she was immediately awakened by a loud screeching sound that pained her delicate ears . This was followed by a loud rumbling , and then Athena 's cage was being violently shaken and thrown about , causing the poor owl to crash into its side . A high - pitched screech of alarm and pain issued from Athena 's mouth , and there were matching cries from around her . She felt herself tilted even more , and then , cold , brutal wind was seeping in through her crate , and the cloth flew off , revealing a bright blue sky . The owl 's cage crashed into the ground , breaking open the door on the front of it , and sending Athena tumbling out onto soft , wet grass . She hooted feebly , and tried her best to look around with her aching body . Thick , dense trees surrounded her . High above her , in the middle of the clear sky , was a long , dark line , apparently the train tracks from which she had just been thrown . Athena 6 : hobbled up onto her feet , and tried to flap her wings . They felt fine , so she immediately flapped up into the air above the clearing , knowing that staying on the ground made her an easy target . Luckily , Athena had once lived out here , in the wild , before she was captured by Two - legs and put into the zoo . She still had those important natural instincts deep inside , that she had been able to neglect in the zoo , where everything was done for her . Athena 's wings glided through the air easily and naturally , and she found herself gaining more and more height . Exhilarated , Athena continued to soar through the open sky , not in search of shelter , but for the pure joy it was bringing to her . Although she had enjoyed being pampered at the zoo , she found herself enjoying the wild much more . A few other birds were flying in the sky as well , and Athena hooted loudly to them , knowing that none of them would understand her , but to simply make them aware of her presence . Gradually , Athena relearned all of those dormant survival skills , finding food , shelter , water , and even learning how to camouflage 7 : herself from dangerous predators . The owl even ended up finding a parliament , or group of owls , that were brown owls like Athena ! She never did return to the zoo , or even try , because she felt so much more at ease here in nature , with her own kind and the endless freedom . Athena gave in to the call of the wildness deep inside of her , and became a free bird for the rest of her days . The End 8 : Amethyst galloped after Jack as he drove away in his blue pick - up truck . She tried hard to keep up , but the truck was too fast . She walked slowly back to the unfamiliar horse stable . She noticed a large green sign above the stable office door , but could not read it . She was walking toward the other horses when two women in plaid shirts and cowboy boots grabbed her by the mane and put a bridle on her . Not knowing who the women were , Amethyst neighed and tried to get away . As soon as the women took her back to the stable , they gave her sweet feed , brushed her mane , and braided it . When the woman in plaid told | Amethyst : A Story of Faith | by Kristen 9 : Amethyst that they would take care of her and to be a good girl , she knew she would have to stay . The next few days were not that bad , but Amethyst still didn 't realize why she was at a horse stable away from her owner . She did enjoy the activities though . There was a large pond to drink from , a huge horse pool to swim and train in , and in the afternoons they had barrel racing contests . On the third night , Amethyst was going for an afternoon walk out to the hill where the yellow dandelions grew when another horse rode up next to her . She jumped when he ran up , thinking no one was behind her . They walked the rest of the way to the hill , and looked out at the horizon . I guess they became friends because the rest of the time at the " horse camp " they spent doing activities with each other . Amethyst thought it was nice to be around other horses for a while but really missed her owner , Jack . After another week passed by , Amethyst became worried that she would 10 : never see Jack again and thought that he may have sold her to the foreign horse camp , but tried to keep that out of her mind , knowing that Jack had always loved her and cared for her . She did the regular activities as usual but grew tired of doing the same things . She was getting extremely stronger , and when she went out for her evening gallop to the hill where the dandelions grew , she was there and back with no problem at all , feeling like she could do it again . She was getting better rest and building her stamina . The next day began with the woman , in blue this time , telling her that tomorrow was her first barrel racing competition and that they would be packing her up in a trailer and she would be riding into the city , Dallas was what she called it , to ride . Amethyst was so worried she trembled while lying in the hay in the trailer . When would she ever see Jack again ? When they got to Dallas , Amethyst stepped out and immediately Jack was at her side hugging her . She couldn 't believe 11 : he was there with her at her barrel racing competition . He explained everything to her , saying that he had only sent her to Horse Camp to train her for the competition . She was so happy that she performed her best time yet , racing around the barrels with tons of energy . She got second place right behind a strange horse from Kentucky . She would never again think that Jack would sell her , knowing that he could for her to be happy . The End 12 : Cast Away | by Drew | I feel a chill run up my spine . The fur on the back of my neck bristles . Loud , scary noises blare around me . Where am I ? I curl into a ball , lying there . The wind rustles my fur . The smell of the forest is around me . Is that where I am , the forest ? I can feel my paw pads freezing solid ; why did they leave me ? All I can think of is the cold . I know I have to get warm , or I ' 'll die . The sounds around me are familiar ; I remember them from when I lived with the humans . Sometimes , during the night , I would awake to the sound and crawl to the window to see . One time , there were big white machines with wheels and bright lights driving through 13 : the city . I figured they were the scary sounds . But now , they are not too far away , and I am not in my warm home . I am alone and cold . I peer through the bushes in front of me . Poised and prepared to escape if necessary , I creep forward . There are two big white machines and a fire . Yes , there 's a big burning fire . I spot two machines under the fire . But , what does all this mean ? Just as I am moving closer to get a better look , a giant red machine comes rolling up . Men climb off of it and run with a big white tube . Suddenly , the tube is blasting water and the fire is sizzling as it is extinguished . There are men with tall carts rolling sick men into the white machine . I see two smaller blue and white cars with blinking blue and red lights guarding the area . I am confused . Where am I ? It seems just seconds ago I was sitting in my human 's machine curled up on a warm seat with comforting hot air blowing on me . I remember feeling a hard impact , seeing my human 's scared face , and being launched out of the machine with great force . Then I moved away from the scary machines into the bushes just as the fire started . I shiver now , watching the humans in the 14 : great clamor . I need to find a warm place . I figure this bush is close to warm , but I can 's stand those loud noises coming from all the machines . I turn and , for the first time in a few minutes , I stand . My leg protests painfully . I must 've hurt it in the impact . I hobble into the woods , hoping to escape the sounds and machines . I manage to find a rock covered in moss as far away from the machines as I can walk on my pained leg . I crawl onto it and lay there , nursing my senses . I manage to find sleep as the machines and noises drift away . When I awake , light is upon the world again . I look at my surroundings clearly for the first time . I am in a forest , full of bare , leafless trees . The ground is covered in the fallen leaves and a chill is in the air . My leg still hurts , but a new feeling is taking my attention : hunger . My human always fed me before she went to bed , and that was usually when I went to bed . Now my stomach grumbles and roils , begging me for food . I can 't understand how in such little time my life has changed so dramatically . I must find food . I climb off the rock and limp down a small slope . I can hear the running waters of a creek nearby . There must be food there . I find the water and lap up tiny slurps . Hunger . . . I can 't seem to escape it . I desperately lick a wet 15 : rock to try and stifle the growing pain in my belly . Finally , I spot something salvageable . I scramble to my feet as the beetle stops on a leaf . I 've never eaten a bug before , only the mushy wet meat my human used to feed me . But I 'm sure they 're edible . I quickly smash a paw on its back , not crushing it , but holding it down . I lean my head in and gratefully gobble the beetle up . The taste is not even comparable to the meat my human offered . The beetle tastes awful , and leaves a smelly aftertaste in my mouth . I gingerly hobble back to the creek and lap some more water , hoping to wash the taste away . My stomach has been stifled somewhat , so what I decided to try to look for a way home . My human lived in a big city , full of tall buildings . Now , in this grassy , natured environment , I have no clue how to fend . I rarely left my human 's house in the city , and when I did , it was only to the vet . Now , alone , hungry , and injured , I must find a way back . I feel utterly hopeless as I limp back in the direction of the machines from last night . Once I reach the site , I am shocked . The machines are gone and so is my human . The path that the machines drive on , called a road , has dark , black stains on it , unlike its usual gray color . I sniff the air . the smell of smoke lingers in the air , along with this strange , chemical smell . 16 : Perhaps if I follow the road , it will lead me home . It 's worth a shot . I begin to walk along the side of the path , hopeful , yet still feeling hungry , scared , and alone . After several hours , I am exhausted . I cannot find a single sign of a human , but every now and then a machine whirs by , leaving me where I am . I carefully avoid them , knowing all too well that if you get in their way , you may just get squashed like a bug . I sit by the road and examine my paws . The paw pads on my feet are red , sore , and some covered in cuts . As I sit , another machine drives by . But , this time , it stops in front of me . I begin to feel scared and limp backwards into the woods . The side of the machine swings open and a little human boy climbs out . He approaches me kindly , and I find his expression comforting . He picks me up and carries me back to the machine . Once inside , I 'm glad I didn 't protest . The air is warm and cozy , and the seat I am sitting is is warm , just like my human 's . The people chat and blabber in their weird language . " Mom , can I keep it , please ? " the boy asks . " Tim , what do you think ? " a woman 's voice replies . 17 : I can 't stay awake long enough to hear the man 's reply , but , this feeling wafts over me , not a feeling of fear , but a feeling of safety . As sleep overcomes me , I know that I 'll be alright . . . . The End . 18 : Evil in the Darkness by Austin Deep in the subway system , I scurried across the tracks . I turned and checked the light . If it got too bright and / or loud I needed to run . I looked to see where the sticky circle had fallen . Aha ! I ran to the edge of the tracks and nibble off a piece . Then , I ran back to my nest and repeated the process . I was on my last trip when another rat came up and stole the last piece ! I ran up and snatched it out of his teeth . He hissed and slunk up toward me , but before he could do anything , I gulped up the last piece . As we circled each other I sniffed the air . We were not alone . Suddenly the other rat charged at me . As he was about to gnash me with his dirty yellow teeth , I dodged and snapped at his tail , succeeding in tearing the tip off . He yelped with pain and scurried off . That was when I heard it - the screech . . . And then the rumbling of the monster . . . And finally , the Eye . The terrible bright blinding Eye . I stood there mesmerized by 19 : it . Then instinct kicked in and I hurried for the den . I snuggled into my nest and nibbled the food . That was my closest encounter with the monster and its Eye . The End 20 : The First Macaw by Micah He broke a small fraction of the hard encasing . It hurt him so much trying to break free . After three days of trying to break free he was still stuck , but it could no longer hear any other noises except the flow of water , the trees blowing in the wind , and the gentle hush of the wind . Even though this creature could hear all these sounds he couldn 't hear any animal sounds , just the plants and water . He tried again but this time different . . . this time with more force than he knew he had . He had broken free from the dark imprisonment of this case . He had no idea of where he was , who he was , or what he was doing here , all he knew was he was hungry . 21 : He saw a small creature in the water and tried to grab it with his talons , but it swam away too fast . He saw another and tried again and again and again . When his feet started to ache , he finally stopped trying and realized that it was almost dark . He sensed that something bad was about to happen , but he had no intention of finding out . He tried to climb a tree with his talons - it didn 't work . He tried to use his wings , but it was no use . He was stuck on the ground . Night had finally crept up on him , and he couldn 't see anything except the moon and stars in the night sky through a gap in the leaves . Several frightening minutes of darkness had passed when he heard a small rustling noise . It came again but closer and louder . Then all of a sudden , a creature a hundred times his size jumped out and snatched him up in a cage . It looked inside with its giant eyes and took something very sharp and poked it inside of his feathers and skin . . . everything turned black - so unspeakably black - I can 't describe it in words . He awoke in the cage after what seemed like days . He could see a faint light through the metal bars and some odd see - through material . There was a small humming noise coming from somewhere below and the humming suddenly 22 : started to become fainter until he could no longer hear it . He felt something moving the cage concealing him and realized that the man in the green jacket knew that he had awakened . The man took one of the sharp objects and tried to inject it into him again . Being nervous , he flapped wildly around the cage . Amazingly , he could now fly ! The joy was great , but he still wouldn 't let the man in the green jacket prod him again . He snapped at the bars trying to see how strong they were only to find out that it was ten times too hard to break or bend . He scratched the sharp object with his talons - nothing happened . He tried everything he could think of and tried not to panic . There was no way out . The pain felt exactly the same sticking through his feathers and skin until he began to feel sleepy , then descended out of him covered in a red liquid on the tip . His eye - lids began to droop and his wings felt heavy and finally everything was black again . After , what felt like days , he woke up to the sound of other animals . He could no longer see any bars - they had disappeared ! He gently walked out of the small prison and saw many other birds . They were all different - some white , some blue , some yellow , 23 : and some with crazy designs on them . He decided that he should eat after being trapped and prodded . Suddenly , a pile of food had fallen out of the sky and into the room where the birds wee kept . He decided that the food was good . After the first few bites , it began to taste better . He wondered how the giant creatures were so mean yet , they make such delicious food . He tried to catch another kind of the odd water creatures , but this time they were surprisingly easier to catch with his energy almost replenished . He nibbled on the creature until his eyes began to droop and his wings felt heavy again . He thought that he had been prodded again , but he felt no pain . He flew up into a tree and sat on a branch and fell asleep . The next morning the sun was shining brightly and the grass was green like normal . The only difference was a ringing sound coming from somewhere . He tried to fly up and see what was ringing , but ran into some kind of see - through material . He decided that he shouldn 't wander into trouble so he simply sat down and rested . Out of nowhere a ig man in a tan uniform came in and snatched him . The creature took him and put him in a cage in a dark room . A woman in a blue uniform with a white mask came and looked a him , so he decided to back away from the two people . The woman then took him out of the cage and placed him on the table . He decided not to 24 : anger this person too , so he stood still . The woman did no harm to him , or so he thought and returned him to the other birds . The next day the man in the tan uniform returned , but this time let him roam free ! The first macaw could now fly away and do whatever he wanted . After a while he was gone , but the records of the first macaw were kept . Now anyone who visits the jungle can see him roaming around , eating fruit , or sleeping . Ever since then the macaw population has been growing and there are many macaw species now . . . and that is the story of the first macaw . The End 26 : The Hunt A Tale of Two Points of View | The bunny 's POV written by Amee The fox 's POV written by Caleb | Somewhere deep in the forest of Greeneville , Tennessee , lives a lonely bunny and a father fox . They cross paths when the fox must provide for his family and the bunny needs water . An unusually harsh winter has plagued Greene County and caused food to be scarce and water to freeze over . In this story , both animals have a need for survival but only one can survive . 27 : THE FOX The cold harsh night had ended , and the father had awoken before most of his family . The cold couldn 't reach the skulk in the deep den , but the hunger from the harsh winter could . The fox knew he had to do something , or his family would be in perilous condition . To beat this problem , the fox set out into the cold dawn of the morning in search for food . THE BUNNY Still asleep , the bunny dreamt of luscious green fields full of clover and long warm days in the sunlight . He was awakened by the dryness in his mouth and knew instinctively he needed water fast . The cold had frozen the ground above his burrow , trapping him with little food and no water . Today was different ; the sun had thawed the icy burrow enough for him to venture out into the woods in search of water . THE FOX The leaves crackled beneath the fox as he exited the den . He took a last look at his family knowing if he didn 't bring back food it would be the end of them all . 28 : The fox then stepped forth into the forest in search for food . He did not walk long for he had come across the scent of a bunny . This was his chance to provide for his family and he wasn 't going to let this chance slip through his paws . The bitter cold bit at him as he stuck his nose to the ground searching for his future prey . The Bunny The bunny was cautious as he peeked out of his burrow . He knew that every second he was away from the safety of his home was a risk to his life . He was aware of his position on the food chain . The bunny was a noble grass eater , taking nothing but his share from the land and never harming another living creature . Hopping as fast as his little bunny legs could carry him , he made his way to the nearest stream . As he stopped behind a tree to take a breather , he felt the presence of danger . The Fox He was back to doing what he did best , stalking his prey . He had this little bunny right under his nose and now he could go in for the kill . The fox hid behind a bush carefully analyzing the scene . He was ready 29 : to pounce , but something in the back of his mind popped up . He was feeling sympathy for the bunny , but the laws of nature told him he needed to do this for his family . He sat thinking for a moment , but decided it was for the best . He reared back , taking one last glance at the bunny he was about to kill . The Bunny Crack ! He knew it ; the bunny had felt it coming . Something was coming after him , but he didn 't look back to see the face of his pursuer , knowing it would cost him . He ran through the underbrush and stormed past the trees , but no matter what he did , he could not throw off his shadow . He knew his time was coming to a close , so instead of running away from his problem , he decided that he would go out of this world peacefully . The Fox Never before had the fox seen such a brave little bunny . This bunny was willing to die for him and his family without a fight . He was amazed at this for in his lifetime he was taught that there was no easy kills . He decided to be merciful and get the kill over fast . He leaped out of the bushes 30 : and with one quick movement , his mighty jaws sunk into the neck of the poor bunny . . . ending its life as quickly as it started . The Bunny Taking his last breath , the bunny could not think of any nobler way to die . He had not left this world from dying of thirst or old age . No , he had faced his untimely end head on , and as the life went out of him , he died happily . The Fox The fox was excited . He had gotten his first kill since the beginning of the long winter . He collected up the bunny in his mouth and had feelings of gratitude . His thoughts wandered to when he was younger , when his father had been teaching him to hunt . He had learned to kill only for survival , not for enjoyment , for every living being on this Earth has a purpose in the Circle of Life . If a living creature is disturbed in this circle , the whole thing becomes off balance . He came out of his thoughts , and started trotting happily back to the den . The fox 's skulk was ecstatic when they discovered he had brought back food . The fox laid the bunny down and his three small kits 31 : came running towards the bunny to dig in . The family of foxes dung in and finished up the bunny as the new spring arrived in Greene County . | Epilogue The laws of nature are made clear in this story about the fox and the bunny . Readers feel sympathetic for the bunny because he is a cute figure . The fox , on the other hand , deals with many hardships , struggling to keep his family alive . There is no good or bad side to this story . The two points of view allow readers to experience both sides of the ongoing struggle to survive . 33 : It all started out the day when I finally got across the fence . You see I am a wild mustang named Darcy . I roam freely with my band of mustangs over this land which we own . During the day we graze for food and roam around , and at night we lay down to rest . Most of our days are uneventful except the occasional man that tries to capture us . Most of the time , they try to capture me , but my speed and agility always gets me away . One day while I was grazing a little ways from the band I came to the fence that is next to the creek . It had always been there and I had never seen anyone or anything on the other side . I do not know why but I had a sudden urge to find out what was on the other side . I had not jumped a fence before but I had jumped many things much larger than this small fence . I told myself just to jump it like I would jump anything else , and I did just that . I was now over the fence , but I felt a sharp stinging sensation in my front right calf . Even though it hurt , my curiosity got the best of me . I soon found myself looking at a very large and beautiful pond , but before I saw the pond I saw the horse . He was standing a the waters edge drinking from the pond . All of a sudden he looked up at me . We stared at each other for 34 : quite a while when finally someone called out , " Archer where are you ? Come here Boy ! " When I heard the voice my first instinct was to run away , but for some reason I stayed where I was . The man did not notice me at first until he noticed Archer was looking at something . The man whistled and said , " Well look what we have here ! We 've got us a wild mustang ! Boy ain 't she a beauty ! John come over here look what we 've found ! " At those words I started to run away , but I noticed I did not remember which way I come from . So I turned and ran toward what looked like a long building with more horses in it . I soon realized that there was a lot more men there . The next thing I knew I felt something around my neck , and I saw that there were about four men behind me . One man was the man that I saw at the pond , a man who had the rope who I assumed was John , and the other men who I had not seen before . When I realized the rope was tightening around my neck I started to panic . I was not going to let a few people capture me . When they pulled the rope I bucked higher . When they yelled to each other threw my head back and whinnied even louder . Suddenly my front calf gave out . I remembered the stinging that I felt earlier , but this was an excruciating pain . I fell 35 : to the ground not wanting to give up , but knowing I had to . I still tried to kick at them , but it did no good . They soon took me into the long building I had seen earlier . It was a nice place for horses if I do say so my self . There was an enclosed area for every horse , and lots of water and hay . Any normal horse would have a place like this , but to me it looked just like a prison . The men took me to one of the larger areas and put a large piece of hay and a bucket of water into the area . I soon realized they shut me into the are . This was the kind of thing that mad me realize that I , Darcy the wild mustang , had been captured . I had not realized I had fallen asleep , but when I awoke I realized someone hap wrapped my leg in something kind of soft . It felt like a cloth of some sort , but it was slightly damp with something that smelled pretty strongly . When i tried to stand up I couldn 't . when I stopped trying to get up one of the men opened the door to my area . " Hey John , she 's awake ! It looks like she hasn 't been up to long . " John ran to me and knelt down to look at my leg . " She must have tried to get up and walk on it . We better call the doctor and have him take a look at it . It could just be something minor but you never 36 : know " John said . " I 'll go call the doctor John " the man said . The man walked out the door and into the hallway . John knelt down beside me again and said this , " Its alright , you 're in good hands now we 'll have you fixed up in a jiffy . In the blink of an eye we 'll have you running around here again . You 'll be happier than a fat tick on a skinny dog , here on this ranch . " I knew one thing though , I would never be truly happy again until I was free . The End

Hello everyone , Thank you for your continual support and interest . We can 't believe that December is just around the corner . I have to say that the time has gone rather slow for me , ( Mom ) , but November just flew by . I guess I am getting used to living here now and have some sort of a routine . I have had some homesickness , but , it goes away thank heavens for that . We love hearing about what is going on in the good old USA . We pray for you and want you to know that we love you very much . A POT OF SOUP I have learned that a pot of soup can be the best medicine . Most weeks , I have made a pot of soup , or two . But , for some unknown reason I have felt impressed to make it in the largest pot I have . While I am making it I am thinking , what am I going to do with all of this soup . The very next day I find out why . A call from the missionaries asking us if they can use our apartment for teaching . Of course we say yes . One morning a call to ask if it would be alright if the YSA could make Halloween party decorations in our apartment . Sure , no problem , and another pot of soup . It doesn 't take much time to eat a bowl of soup and it sure warms my heart to know that I am feeding them something nutritious . One day at a bus stop about ten , ten year olds got on the bus and sat right in front facing us , and to the side of us . They were beautiful kids . They all had knit hats on . They began to laugh and tease each other by taking each others hats off . They were busy talking and laughing when one of them spied our name tags . One young man whispered to his friend and so they quieted right down . Dad smiled at him and offered him a " mento " . He declined . Soon , they began to laugh and tease each other again . We were getting close to our stop so dad said to them in Russian , " How was your day ? " The boy looked surprised , smiled , and in very good English answered , " very good " . As we got up to wait for our stop , dad gave him the rest of his mentos . He smiled and said in english . " thank you very much " . All of a sudden they were yelling trying to get the candy , so dad gave the other group on the other side of the bus another package . Then they began to yell , then all of a sudden an old man at the front of the bus turned around and yelled at the children . They became instantly quiet . I felt so bad for them , they were having so much fun . MORE LANGUAGE LAUGHS We were walking with Masha our YSA leader and she began to tell us that she thought we should have a service project to clean out the library . I got so excited because the library is a room with about seven portable closets in it . The closets are just helter skelter with stuff falling out of them . I have been wondering why it is such a mess and was happy that Dennis , one of our Institute teachers was going to get these young adults working on it . So dad and I ask her when this was going to happen , and she said that she didn 't know . After we arrived home we were checking our emails and ran crossed a notice on face book from Masha . We found out that the service project was the next day . That same night dad found out that the young men were going to go on a hike to Stolby . ( Dad is the young mens president ) Dad looked at me and asked , " do you ever get the feeling that we don 't have a clue what is going on over here ? " If it wasn 't for facebook , we would be out of the loop . Last Sunday our branch began getting a choir together for Christmas . I thought that I could probably help sing in it if I practiced the words at home . I walked in and saw them standing around the piano . Someone told me where the altos were standing so I went over by Masha ( another YSA ) . The pianist turned around and said something to me and then began to play the alto part . I began to sing , but I was the only one . I looked up and saw everyone watching me . I stopped , she stopped , She turned around and began to talk again then played the alto part again . on the piano . Olga , our visa lady told me to sing louder . I again began to sing ( all alone ) . After I finished I leaned over to Masha and ask , " why am I the only one singing ? " She told me that I was the solo . Dad decided that he needed to get serious about getting a haircut . He got on google translate and found out how to say " haircut " and got ready to go . I told him that he probably needed to learn a few more words like " same " same as I have now . When the missionaries first come from America they have a an actual hair style , but after a few cuts in Russia , they all end up the same , with a buzz . I could just see him coming home with a buzz . He didn 't seem too worried when he left . I was prepared for the worst , but when he came back he actually had the best haircut he has ever had . He said that after they got through laughing at the way he said haircut , everything went very smoothly . The cost , $ 30 . 00 American dollars , the most he has ever paid . He said that they are meticulous . They spent one hour on his hair TESTIMONIES . . . Each month at testimony meeting it is inspiring to hear of the different conversion stories . We get one or two each time . This time one of the branch presidency bore his testimony . His name is President Kotob . He said that he thought of himself as an atheist . He had just come back from the army , it was tough . He walked in and saw his mother kneeling in prayer . As she got up , he ask her what she had been doing . She said , " son , God is real and you had better find out " . He said , not long after that , he met the missionaries . MORE TRAIN RIDES . . . Dad gave you the pictures of the train ride to Novosibirsk . This time the going was rough . The beds were as hard as rocks . I tossed and turned all night , but must have finally fallen asleep because I had a dream that Dad was on his bike and I was running along side of him because I had a skirt on . All of a sudden my hip was killing me . I thought what in the world have I done to my hip . Then I woke up and wow , my hip really was killing me . I rolled over again but never could get confortable . The ride back was much better . We found out that we are going again on December 12 for a mission conference . The seniors mission conference was wonderful . So nice to get together with other couples and share stories and ideas and recipes . President Gibbons gave us great ideas to ponder . He said that some day we are all going to report to an eternal customs officer . What are we going to be able to take with us ? D & C 137 : 1 - 2 , D & C 130 : 2 , D & C121 : 4 , D & C 130 : 18 . Then in my journal on this very page " One thing have I desired of the Lord , that will I seek after ; that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life . . . Psalms 27 : 4 He compared the Book of Mormon to a mansion . We are all still in the basement looking around , there is still so many more rooms , gardens , and places to search . THE MEEK AND HUMBLE . . . There is a YSA man who has been in the church for about twelve years . He always comes to FHE and eats his heart out . He has a job , but must make very little . One day his name came up and we wondered why he doesn 't pass the sacrament . Dad ask him about it , he thought about it and said , yes I would like to pass the sacrament , but I do not have the right clothes . So we had him come early to FHE . Dad had some white shirts ready for him and a couple of ties . Sure enough , on Sunday he was all dressed up ready to pass the sacrament . I told him what a great job he did , he told me that his heart was beating fast and he was nervous , but he thought that he had done a good job . He said that he didn 't want to make a mistake , he wanted to do it right . He said that he loves to walk in the snow , he walks for miles at a time , and always has a smile to greet you . Last week he thanked me and said , " I am excited to find what you will fix next time . " He speaks english very well . He is an example of the " humble and meek " who will inherit the kingdom of God . WHAT ' S MORE AMERICAN THAN . . . One day Masha ( 2 ) we have two Masha 's in our YSA group told me that she would like to learn how to make an apple pie . She said that when she thinks about America she thinks about apple pie . I told her that we would get together and make pies . Finally the day came . I had tried cooking several different kinds of apples to see which ones would work . We went through the whole process and she went home with a pie . As we cooked she wrote down all of the directions and amounts . At the end I ask her if Russia has measuring cups and spoons . She said , " I don 't know " . I said then how do you measure the ingredients . " Oh , we use a glass , or a half of a glass , or a half of a half of a glass " . I began to laugh , I said how big is the glass , she put her fingers up and said about this big . HURRAH FOR BOOKS . . . Thank you Patricia Ewing for the books . Patricia is one of my COB friends , ( church office babes ) . When I left on my mission she gave me some money . I have saved it , knowing that at some point it will come in handy . One morning when I woke up the thought came to me , we need to buy some books for the nursery . They have no books for the children . We arranged to meet the nursery leader and took a Saturday to go shopping . She took us to about three book stores . She found some really good deals on children 's books . We bought about ten wonderful books , and still have money left over . The past two weeks have been heavenly because when the children get tired and restless at the end of cla The weather has certainly changed for the worst . We get snow about every other day , and then inbetween , temperatures of about 7 to 10 degrees F below zero . We have been walking like old people , careful of each step because , like we were told , the snow freezes and then thaws and then freezes so there are layers of ice . We also have the added problem of the run off . The roofs drain the water down long pipes which empty onto the sidewalks . The water runs and then freezes . It is like a skating rink . We haven 't fallen , but have seen people fall . We don 't know when we will strap on our spikes , but , again , as we were warned it will get to 30 or 40 below , so maybe that will be the time . The amazing thing is that women are still wearing beautiful boots with spiked heals . They fly on and off of the bus without a glitch . There are also old people walking around with canes and bags . They look like they can hardly get around on dry ground . One cane dad noticed had a spike on the bottom of it . Maybe that is what we will get next . Not yet , we had one right after we arrived , but not since . There was a young lady who was ready for baptism . She is a beautiful young adult , full of life and very good student . The day before her baptism one of our little missionary sisters got the dreaded phone call . She ( the missionary ) began to cry , we were worried . The young gal cancelled . She told the sister that her parents were against it . She loves her parents and they had just bought her a car and are paying for her college . They told her that if she joined the church that would all change . She still wants to be baptized , but will have to wait until she is on her own . What a heart break , what a backward step for that young girl . All of the blessings will be put on hold . There are several others that are close , we are praying for them . The missionaries are working hard to bring souls unto Christ . These missionaries have plenty to do , and they don 't stop , they are like the energizer bunny . We love them and are so proud of them . They are truly the Lord 's servants . We want to wish each of you a very MERRY CHRISTMAS . We know that some of you have had hard things come into your lives this year . You have all been such great examples of hope , faith , and hard work . We pray that the Lords spirit will fill your homes and lift your spirits and you go forward in faith . We know more than ever the truthfulness of the gospel of Jesus Christ . We know that without it we would be in a dark place . The light of Christ leads us to his eternal message , may we all have that light with us each and every day is our prayer . All our Love Elder and Sister Noel Some of our family home evening group Yesterday Karen and I taught the " Preach My Gospel " class at the branch . Had about 10 present including 4 missionaries . Elder Topham interpreted . It went ok . But getting there is what is noteworthy . It was typical . . . but noteworthy . There is no Metro ( subway ) in Krasnoyarsk . They could use one since the traffic is heavy most of the day . So our transportation is all by city bus or taxi . Since taxis are more expensive we almost always take the bus . The buses are fairly old . Each one has a driver and a conductor . The conductor collects the fares . Right now the fare is 16 roubles or about 50 cents each . We ride the bus about 2 - 4 times per day . The buses are about 25 feet long and have one or two seats running most of the length of the bus ( except where you get on and off and that area is open . ) There is an isle down the middle where people stand that is about two to three feet wide . Barely room for two people to stand side by side ( and the conductor has to squeeze by these people to go back and forth collecting the fares ) . There are bars and handgrips for people to hang on to , which is good because there are a lot of fast starts and stops . You have to be aware or you will go flying . . . . except last night , as you will see . If you take the bus before rush hour then sometimes you can get a seat . We get a seat about half the time . But if it is at rush hour , which is from about 4 : 00 p . m . to well into the evening at about 8 : 30 or 9 : 00 p . m . , then forget it . There have been many times ( in fact most times ) we have come home from the branch building after 9 : 00 and have not been able to get a seat because the bus is full . Most of our work is at night and we spend most evenings visiting or at the branch building . If things go well and there is little traffic then we can get to the branch in about 30 to 35 minutes . If things go as they usually do then it is anywhere from 45 minutes to almost 1 1 / 2 hours ( like last night . ) Yesterday was as bad as it has ever been . It was full rush hour . When we first got on the bus it was packed with hardly any standing room . They never limit the number that can get on so if more get on then you just have to squeeze in tighter . And believe me riders are not shy about squeezing and forcing their way in . Last night I was pushed so hard against one of the posts that I could hardly breathe and then 5 more people got on and no one got off . Some young man had his arm around Karen just so he could find a place to hang on . Of course it became so tight at this point that you didn 't need to hang on because no one could have ever fallen down . Then the conductor had to squeeze by to collect fares . It was actually quite hysterical . I counted 55 people standing in the isle holding on to something ( or someone ) or other . ( Now think of this same scene with everyone wearing their heavy winter coats , scarves and fur hoods and hats . ) And then for some reason they started pouring the heat into the bus . It was like an oven on wheels . It took us almost 1 1 / 2 hours to get to the branch . And then we had to fight thru the crush of people to get off . We have missed our stop before because we couldn 't get through the crowd to the door in time . So last night we got back on the bus at about 9 : 00 pm and , of course it was full . However the conductor spotted a seat and motioned Karen over to take it . ( The people here are very nice ) The traffic at this time was heavy . When we finally got to within about two to three blocks of our bus stop ( ostanovka ) the bus stopped completely . After about 5 minutes going nowhere we decided to get off and walk . Usually they don 't let you get off between bus stops but we pushed the button and the driver kindly let us off . We walked to our street , with busses lined up all the way , went into a little grocery store , did some shopping and when we came out our bus still had not reached that store . We finally got home at about 10 : 00 p . m . Just riding the bus is an adventure for us . We have met all kinds of people on the bus . But we will save that for a later day . These photos were taken at the bus stop about 1 block from our apartment . We love it here in Russia . Everyday is a new adventure . And on top of that we get to serve the Lord with these beautiful members in the Krasnoyarsk branch . We just got back yesterday morning from a conference with all the senior couples in our mission . It was at the mission home in Novosibirsk . With the ride back yesterday that makes our 6th 12 hour train ride . ( three round trips ) We have done it now in the summer , fall and winter . We got back safe and sound about 8 : 30 a . m . yesterday morning . Those train stations are surreal to me . They are right out of a scene from Dr . Zhivago . The fir hats and coats , the bags , the crush of people . It is truly an adventure . There are some photos below . The temps are in the 0 to 15 F . range . Our mission president had tickets for us to see the ballet " Spartacus . " He and his wife went with us . The Novosibirsk ballet / symphony theater is magnificent . It was built during the time of Stalin 's regime . Even though I am not a good judge of what is good ballet ( except I know that my daughter and grandaughters are good dancers ) we looked at it as a possibly a once in a lifetime opportunity to see an authentic Russian Ballet . The ballet was great . I didn 't think I would enjoy it as much as I did . I probably know as little about ballet as anyone , but these dancers looked first class to me . I 've never seen anything like it . And the live orchestra was also wonderful . But is was a little too long for me , and I tried hard but I couldn 't quite accept Spartacus in a sword fight in tights . It was a great conference . It was good to talk with the other senior couples and feel their spirit . They are great people . The older couple you see sitting with us in the theater have been on five missions together . Three of them ( including this one ) in Siberia . They requested Siberia two more times after their first time . They also served in Scotland and Cambodia . They are to say the least , hardy ( not to mention dedicated ) . The picture of the red flags shows a rally by the Communist Party right outside the Theater . We had no idea they were going to be there . They had loud speakers and there appeared to be a lot of yelling . It was hard - core communist party . I was a little reluctant to take a picture but decided to chance it and then hurry into the theater . The speaker was really getting the crowd whipped up . Lots of security standing around . It was amazing . PS . The short video at the end of the blog is all I could get of the ballet . But it gives you a little idea of the sound of the orchestra . Hello , everyone , thank you for your emails and comments . It is so nice to hear from you , and no . you are not bothering us . We love to know what is going on in your lives . This month has flown by , but not without some great lessons , and revelations . The biggest one came one night at family home evening when a new investigator arrived . He is a young man , eighteen years old , who works three jobs . He was found by one of our sets of elders . While playing UNO ( here they say ( OONA ) I watched him interact with the other YSA and the " vision of family home evening " just came into my head . I realized at that moment , the whole purpose of family home evening here is for these young adult investigators to get to know people their own age . We play games , eat , and visit together . So on Sunday when he comes to church for the first time , he will already have friends , people he knows who will shake his hand and call him by name We also hope that they will feel the spirit , and want to come back . HUGS AND KISSES ; When we first put the little cardboard stove and sink in the nursery , ( by the way our daughter Marianne showed me this idea before we even left for our mission ) I thought that the kids ( five boys ) were going to rip it apart . I made the mistake of not glue gunning the sink down tightly . One little boy loved taking out the sink and throwing the play food inside the box . He just continued doing until I held it down . I let go when he walked off , but the next thing I saw was him taking out the sink , tipping the box over and crawling into the sink hole . I got a hold of his legs before he could get all the way in and pulled him out . I thought , wow , this is incredible . I have never before seen kids act like this . But , during the week , I got the sink glued in , and re - taped other places . Dad was able to make a second table for the nursey . It has made a big difference , now they have room to sit without touching one another . The wildest of them all gave me a hug and a kiss during nursey . That 's kids for you . Every week we see improvemenAbout two weeks ago Masha , our YSA leader ask us if we would give the spiritual thought at a YSA fireside . ( she speaks very broken English ) . I ask her how much time she wanted us to take and told her that we would . When I told Dad about it , he replied , " I don 't think there is a spiritual thought before the speaker at firesides . " He checked with Masha , while having a Russian speaking missionary present , and come to find out , WE were the speakers . A couple in our branch Konstantin and Julia , were married on Sept 27th . We realized that we could walk to the wedding ceremony if we knew where it was . We got up early and scouted it out . We actually found the building and then knew how long it would take us to walk back for the wedding . We arrived in plenty of time and soon recognized many people from our branch . All of the young parents brought their children with them . We have noticed that the children go everywhere with their parents . I don 't think that they ever get a date alone with their spouses . All of the guests were waiting outside in a hall way while a lady held a pillow with a cup on top of it . The bride and groom were waiting for her to open the double doors . She said something , and then the doors opened . Everyone walked in and sat down . Constanteen and Julia stepped up onto a stage about a foot higher than where we were seated . There was a lady at a desk with a mike on her blouse . She began to talk and then she walked closer to the bride and groom . She married them and then they exchanged rings . Here the ring is placed on the right hand . After the ring exchange , they were taken back to the desk to sign the marriage certificate . Here , you must be married by the state first before you have any church marriage . After signing the papers , the music began and they danced for us . A live , string quartet and a piano player ( comes with the wedding chapel ) played the music . It was very beautiful . After the dance , the bride and groom came down and walked around and hugged , and shook hands . As they left the building we all threw rose petals at them . They walked across the street for pictures . There was a park , with benches and it was a nice sunny day for pictures . They took tons of pictures , everyone loves their picture taken , they pose and make big deal out of it , it is fun to watch them . There were hand made decorations , which the YSA ' S had helped make . They made folded birds out of paper . These birds are the ones who are supposed to bring your babies to you , like in American it is the stork . So I guess they are hoping that they will have many babies . There was games , music , a guest book plus a sit down dinner . The dinner consisted of boiled potatoes , sliced cucumbers , tomatoes , cheeses , crackers with liver paste on them and fruit plates . There was of course a wedding cake , and some other cakes . They are big on layered cakes here . Very thin layers and many of them . Then there was pickled vegetables , carrots , cauliflower , and pearl onions . There were plates and plates of sliced meats . Every kind you could think of . There were apples , plums , and several varieties of tangerines . There was a ton of bread because sandwiches here are very popular . They put a little mayo on and then pile it high with other things . Most of the people eat open - faced sandwiches . The cheese here is very good . There is no added oil , you just get the good old cheese , it is delicious . Another popular food here is stuffed rolls . The rolls look like normal rolls , different shapes , but just normal rolls . Then when you bite into them there is a filling . Some have cooked carrots or corn , mashed potatoes , cooked hamburger , ham . The wedding cake was absolutely beautiful . It was made to look like a dozen roses wrapped in a white paper . The roses were all purple with silver glitter on them . The white cake was wrapped around the roses and decorated to look like lace . When it was time to cut the cake , they both put their hand on the knife and cut it together . They cut the cake for the guests , but not for themselves . We got to eat a piece , it was very good , not , too sugary . It also had a filling in it , but I couldn 't tell what it was . There were games and activities for everyone to participate in . It was almost like a wedding shower that we have for the bride in America , but the groom was playing right along with the bride here . I will just tell you about one game that I played . Five woman stand on one side of the hall , and 5 stand opposite on the other side . There is a ribbon strung back and forth down the line so that it is zig zagged back and forth . Each person holds on to the ribbon . The bride and groom begin to walk down the hall to break through the first ribbon , as they break the ribbon they stop and take turns telling us what a good husband or good wife must do . I have no idea what they said , but everyone was laughing , and having fun as they broke through all of the ribbons . There was a skit with one of the YSA young men dressed up like a big Russian hunter . He had on this huge fur hat with a rain coat . He began to tell Julia ( the bride ) how much he missed her , and how much he is still in love with her . He ask her why she had run off with another guy . I guess it was pretty funny because everyone was really laughing . There were other games , and then the bride and groom left . Frank and I began to help clean off table and put them away . We decided that we would do the heavy work , and then go home . I saw the grooms mom begin to put food in baggies . Her daughter ( from out of town ) began to vacuum . Her grandson ( about 8 ) began to sweep . Dad and I decided that we had better start washing the dishes . Dad washed and I dried . As we talked we began to realized that these people have to catch buses in order to get home . Then we realized , SO DO WE ! ! We realized that we could call a taxi . So we stayed and cleaned and come to find out the mother and daughter and grand - kids had to take a taxi also . We got home about 10 : 30pm , so that wasn 't so bad . It was a good chance to serve , we felt good about it . Isn 't it amazing that even Krasnoyarsk has a China Town . We walked to it to find a paper store , paper here is like gold . You hunt for it , and pay a lot for it . As we were walking I glanced over to my right to see an old lady probably in her 80 's climbing down some stairs backwards . She was on all fours , working her way down to the bottom . I couldn 't believe my eyes , so I left dad standing there and went over to her . By then she was down on the level ground , but I could see that she was hanging on to a cane in her right hand . I pulled on her to help her stand up straight . She looked up at me and said , " thank you " Spaceeba , Spaceeba , Spaceeba . She showed me her little plastic bag with a couple of jars of medicine in it . Evidently she had gone to get her medicine at the building , but couldn 't get down the stairs . She had such a sad face , with her little cloudy eyes looking at me . I thought how in the world are you to get home again . We watched her shuffle off on her way . We passed the building and for some reason I looked back . I could see that the company had built a cement ramp for people to walk down , BUT they did not build a railing for them to hold on to . BOOK OF MORMON CHALLENGE President Gibbons , our mission president has challenged all of the missionaries to read the Book of Mormon in the same amount of time that it took Joseph Smith to translate it , 85 days , so that would be by Christmas . Dad and I decided that it would be good for us , and also for the YSA 's to do the same . We are all reading and it is amazing because even the investigators , and newly baptized are doing it . Our YSA leader , Mausha , who has only been a member four months told me that she couldn 't understand why people read the book of Mormon over and over . She said that now she understands because this time she is finding new things to learn . Isn 't that so cool . That is what happens to all of us , but it is because we are all in different stages of life and circumstances every time we read it . She is way ahead of everyone else and it having a good experience . THE BOOK OF MORMON MIRACLES President Gibbons also told the missionaries a true story that he heard from a man while visiting Kazakstan ( in our misson ) . He said that years ago a man was searching for the truth , he had been bothered by his own religion , and wanted to know the truth . He was out side one day watering his trees . He felt impressed to look up . He saw two young men walking down the street . One of them was carrying a book of Mormon over his heart . The man was drawn to the book , and felt like he had to look at it . He went toward the missionaries and ask them about the book . They of course told him and to make a long story short . He read it , got baptized , and is now a leader in the Kazakstan branch . President Gibbons has asked all of the missionaries to carry books of Mormon with them at all times . Because of this new idea , there have been some really good experiences for these missionares . One day Elder Probst was on the bus when a lady actually took the book out of his hands and began to look through it . She asked him questions about it , and then he gave it to her . Another day Sister Montgomery and her companion were standing waiting for a bus . This bus came up and stopped and the driver opened the drivers door . That never happens , because they only open their door if they are exiting . The bus wasn 't the one she wanted so she just stood there with her arms wrapped around the book . He yelled out of the bus , " What is the name of that book you are holding ? " She said , " It is the book of Mormon , do you want it ? " He ask , " how much is it ? " she told him that it was free . He replied that he did want it . She gave it to him and he drove away . Buses , here are on a tight schedule . There are check points here where men stand with notebooks and pencils checking their watches to make sure the buses are on schedule . When buses pull up to to a stop , and another bus is there , they immediately begin to honk their horn so that the bus will get out of their way . For him to even stop for one second is unheard of . We may never know where these books of Mormon end up , but the challenge for these missionaries is to place a book each day and to not go home at night with the book . They must give it to someone . So far they are going through Books of Mormon like crazy . Everyone is doing well with their reading . they like the book and are asking questions . On Monday Dad always tells a story out of the Book of Mormon and the YSA 's and investigators take turns reading it . This Monday a young investigator named Alex was here for the first time . He wanted to take a turn reading , so dad called on him . He read the part about the brother of Jared asking God about light in his ships and about how the ships were build to weather the storms . Dad told him how God sometimes God does not take away our problems , but he prepares us so we can handle our problems . After dad was finished he asked if there were any comments . Alex said , " I know this is true because I have had problems , but now I am here and it is good . " On October 12th we were in the train station waiting for Elder and Sister Gunderson who were coming from Novosibirsk for a CES conference here in Kransnoyarsk . While in the train station we saw two policemen come inside . One of them had a German Shepherd on a leash . He began to walk around the waiting room letting the dog sniff luggage . He went row by row up and down until he came to a lady with a little girl about three years old . She began to cry violently as the dog looked her in the eye , but the police officer did not call the dog away , he just let him sniff at her and frighten her until the dog was content to walk on . It made me so sad to see her so frightened . As we exited the station and were going down the 100 stairs or so we saw a sight that has been haunting me . There was a small man with only one full leg trying to get down the snow covered stairs . His other leg was cut off above his knee . Even though it was cold that day we could see his leg because it was only partially covered with his pant leg . He was leaning on homemade crutches with cloth wrapped over the ends of the sticks . We were horrified , thinking at any moment he would slip and kill him self on the rock steps . Dad and Elder Gunderson put down the suitcases and went over to help him , but he did not want help . We just said a prayer in our hearts and watched him make it all the way down on his own . We went with Sergi and Julia to Russian Orthodox Church that has just been built . They wanted us to see their church , they have been in ours many times . She brought a scarf for me to wear over my head which is tradition . As we walked in there was a whole entry full of things to buy . Books , pictures , and tons of candles . We didn 't buy anything , but Julia bought candles . Dad ended up going back to buy two candles because it is a donation and you light them and then place them in a holder to burn . There was an area where you put candles for people who have passed away . The inside of this chapel was beautiful , a lot of gold leaf , and pictures all over the biggest wall . There were so many pictures that I couldn 't tell you what they were of . Mainly different poses of Christ in pain , and at birth , and all different circumstances . There were no benches , or chairs , just a big room . I asked Julia why you can 't sit down . She said , " It is tradition that you stand while the speaker talks to you " . Then she told me that you can kneel if you have sins that you need forgiven . On Saturday night the missionaries threw a Halloween party . They don 't really celebrate Halloween over here , but there are a few people who like it . Our YSA leader is one of those people . She is also an artist so she made some pretty nice drawings and the sisters painted and colored them . On Friday night after Institute we were helping to hang up the pictures when the custodian saw what we are doing . He did not want those pictures in our building . He thought that they were evil and he was very upset . One of the members of our branch presidency speaks very good english . He asked me how I felt about making them take down the decorations and I told him that it is his building , not ours , and that we would do whatever he wanted us to do . He told us that we could keep the cute ones , and just take down the others . So that is what we did . It was a little us - settling at first because we were afraid Mausha the artist would get her feelings hurt , but she was ok . The paKonstantin and Julia , The Bride and Groom

The idea for this blog came with the photos of Madame Shawshank of Penrith and a Sussex Griffin . She , the Snapper places a photo upon the page . An image of any kind . I , the Griffin then must respond with a tale of somesuch . We are still recovering and it is likely we shall be considerably more careful with nature in future . Oh of course we heard the ' Green ' message and there were all kinds of messages about how to ' save the planet ' , when what we meant was saving ourselves . But we had reckoned without one key ingredient . There were warnings in the weather . Extremes of hot and cold , floods that covered vast areas of countryside and even the Great Flood that made the river Thames flood its banks and made London look like a dirtier version of Venice . Still there were the usual responses ; panic in the press , terror among the public and the sonorous tones of a government without a clue . But we did not learn . When the news came later of a tsunami that had struck New York and flooded that big city some people began to take notice of the scientists and some of the religious leaders who remarked as had been remarked before that ' God ' was angry . Nobody saw that somewhere in the cracks of our existence , where science and religion and even politics did not exist . Outside of the edges of our human awareness there was something we had overlooked in our self - styled superiority . So when that anger finally became manifest we were taken by surprise . Nothing we had could help us . Our fabulous technology was helpless . It began on what has become in our memory Green Tuesday . That morning , when our dear England was enjoying a period of stability , George Lakenham woke up to the sound of trumpets and horses . He prepared himself for the day as usual and went downstairs to make breakfast , sure that he was dreaming . He had just poured his coffee when he heard a rude pounding at his front door . George , who was a portly , creaking gentleman of a certain age , sighed . He ran his hand over his thinning hair and stirring his coffee , left the kitchen and headed to the door , his coffee mug in his hand . He was a stable gent was George . An accountant by profession , he was thorough , unruffled and calm . Nothing however had prepared him for this . When he opened his front door he found a tall green haired man with pale , green - tinted skin . The man was wearing green armour that was both beautiful and frankly archaic . It was covered in symbols that George did not recognise . " King ? No , we don 't have a king . There 's the Queen of England , but she 's in London . I don 't think she rules the country though , that 's the Prime Minister 's job , " George answered before finally asking , But the Green Man had turned away and mounted a large green horse . He turned his troop away and they marched off towards London . Even as George watched them he saw with astonishment the trees that grew up through the road and pavements in their wake . Willoughby Road suddenly became a forest . So much for Surrey . In Sussex , a land known for legends , the long dragon beneath the South Downs hills awoke and stood sending chalk and flint cascading from him . Small villages were uprooted and people fled into the fields . In Leicestershire , Black Annis was seen by two children who escaped her by running home . Beneath Bradgate Park the rocks were seen to rise until they were not rocky spikes , but the back ridge of a large black dragon . All over Britain , there were dragons and dark things rising . Faeries rode in their Rades , tall , beautiful and terrifying . All of them kept the people indoors frightened and silent . The government was commanded by the Faerie Queen to return all money to the land . The metals to make coin came from earth , all paper notes came from fabric and must be returned to the earth . In vain the government protested that money was needed for the economy . The Faerie Queen herself took over the governance of Britain . She abolished our system of capitalism completely and brought in new practices and procedures . Food and clothes were given to all the people , sustainability was made law . Forests were returned to much of the country and only certain areas were given over to farm for the various communities . Buildings were confined to specific areas also . Many people fled the country to Europe and America , only to find that similar practices were taking place also . The Americans had taken to war to defend their way of life , but were swiftly overwhelmed . A dragon cannot be harmed by bullets or arrows , the native spirits were immortal and invulnerable . Religions were equally confined by the Faerie and the Elementals to towns and cities - where human lived . No invasion of nature was allowed . So , they have taken over Posted by There used to be a mud path going past Barnswyck in the old days . But when the people started using it more , the council widened it and decided to build a road . For a while there were machines and men going along the wider path and it was closed off . For three months the construction was a nuisance . It meant going the long way through the main streets of Barnswyck with all the distractions and people . But after the three months the new road was opened with a small ceremony . The mayor of Barnswyck cut a ribbon and the road was opened to new traffic . There was a path and a large culvert beneath the road where Hode 's Bridge had been over the stream . For a while all went very well and the road became popular . There was a pavement on both sides so people could walk as well as drive past Barnswyck . A text on the road had been painted that said Fullforde , which was irritating to the locals who knew where the road went . I don 't know when exactly it changed , but Martin and Pete were going along there when they noticed that the text had changed . It read , ' Empty Empty ' and they joked that Fullforde had always seemed full when they 'd been . But as they got nearer , Pete felt unaccounably uneasy and then actually frightened , though he could not tell Martin why . He was curious that Martin did not feel the terror that filled him . Still Martin teased him and pulled at his arm , but Pete pulled himself free and ran back along the road . He heard a deep rumbling short laugh , then a short scream and when he turned back to the road , Martin was gone . As scared as he was , Pete thought Martin was playing a trick on him . He did not think anything terrible and carefully went back along the road towards Fullforde . He did not feel scared this time , indeed a deep sense of calm and peace filled him . He came to within sight of the writing on the road and saw that now it read ; ' Full Full ' . He frowned in puzzlement , the previous sign was not there and somewhere at the base of his mind the terror niggled at him , faintly . He turned and returned to our village . Over the next few days , reports came in of people disappearing and even a few vehicles . An articulated lorry that was due in Fullforde was never seen again . The company set the police on the trail of the driver , but they found nothing . Traffic behaved strangely too . The driver in front would see the words ' Empty Empty ' and joke about it . The drivers behind would stop with a panicky sense of terror that made them turn around and return to our village . The old people met in the leisure centre for their weekly get - together and discussed the matter . Granny Holle , had come to our village from no - one knew where . She was a jolly soul who kept her little house clean with a besom broom , so the children wondered if she was a witch . She laughed at the thought and teased the children , but she was always kind to them . She arrived at the meeting and said nothing , knitting away quietly as the other old people talked . Little Sam peered in at the door and catching his eye , Granny Holle winked and smiled at him . Sam tried to wink back but he was not quite as good at it and eventually he waved and went away . A little later he saw Granny Holle go walking along the road to Barnswyck and he followed at a trot . Yet , to his surprise , he could not catch up to her . He saw at a little way behind her the sign on the road , ' Empty Empty ' and felt the sense of terror gathering in him . He stopped and shouted out to Granny Holle , begging her with tears in his eyes to come back . But she only paused , turned and smiled at him , giving him a little wave of her hand . Or was it a wave ? Perhaps it was more that she was waving him back . Through his tears , Sam was sure he saw a large creature , shaggy and with a big nose grab Granny Holle around her waist and disappear as if underground . Then he remembered the bridge and he ran forward until he saw the sign on the road that for some reason still read , ' Empty Empty ' . There was silence for a long time . Sam walked backwards , afraid to turn his back in case the huge creature grabbed him too . As he did so , he saw Granny Holle climb up the bank and onto the pavement again . She paused to push pin up a lock of her long white hair , patted it into place and strolled towards him . " Thing ? Oh that . That was only a troll , my dear . Nothing to worry about any more . If you like , I shall tell you a story about a troll and some goats . I know quite a few tales about trolls my dear , " she said giving his hand a little squeeze and smiling at him . Sam did not believe that for a minute , but he did not know what to say . He went home with Granny Holle to have tea and cake , before his mother picked him up and took him home . He told her about the troll and Granny Holle and his mother smiled and cuddled him . I went along the road recently . The words ' Empty Empty ' were still there , but faded and worn now . I smiled to myself and went on to Fullforde singing . It is said that many years ago , in the time of the House of Keys , when its powers held sway over the Wildwood there were both good magicks and those most malicious . Stories are told in the villages not far from the vast Wildwood . In Goat - wyck and Lambton , even as far as Stoneburgh a particular tale is told of the Fox - Child 's Dam . It seems that a vixen gave birth to a litter of cubs in a quiet hollow beneath the roots of an old oak . This Skulk of Foxes , for so a group of foxes is known , stayed around that oak for quite some time as they grew . Every day it is said , their Dam , or mother went hunting to feed her cubs and returned often with a rabbit or a pheasant that her three cubs shared . Now a poacher with some hedge - magicks entered the wood and coming across the by now juvenile foxes , killed two of them and chased after the third who fled . Young as this fox was , he sought his dam , but could not find her . Being possessed of his own magick the fox left the wood and hid in a barn . There he came across a small boy and vengeful of the slaughter of his siblings by a man , he fell upon the boy intending the child 's death . But his own magick rose up in him and instead of bloody death , there was a merging of the fox and the boy . Knowledge , such as it was filled them both and the boy 's mousy hair became russet , his eyes green and yet the fox 's nature was within him . Much later , when the sun had run his course and his pale sister the moon arose from her bed , the vixen returned to find her cubs gone and blood around the oak . She screeched her wild rage and grief at the forest canopy and called upon all the ancient dryads of the wood . In that instant , the dryads took pity on her and told her all that had befallen her cubs . From that moment , the vixen in her fury swore vengeance and tracked the poacher to his village a little beyond the wood . There had been , some hundreds of years before , some faerie blood in her line and this was still strong in her . From the edge of the wood , she sang to the poacher 's oldest child to come to her . The child , a handsome boy like his father , fell into a trance and walked out of the house and into the wood . Once within the wood , the vixen had him . She pounced on him with all her rage and tore the boy to pieces until cruel death closed his eyes . Now the vixen returned to the edge of the wood , for she would have all the poacher 's cubs . But a cat who had once been a witch 's familiar had heard the song of the fox and guessed at it . He had been too late to save the boy , but the little girl he would protect . As the vixen 's song called out once more to the little girl so that she too fell into a trance , the cat sat upon the gate post . He sang a deep song , a hearthside song , a mother 's love and a gentle song . This song alone interrupted the vixen and the little girl began to cry . Her mother came to her , picked her up and held her until the girl whimpered with the two songs in her head . So the villagers say , that when the nights are dark and cold . When winter comes , grey , cold and hard as stone ; keep your children indoors by the hearth . Place cold iron over the doors and windows to guard against faerie - magick , for then the Vengeful Vixen sings her bewitching song to avenge her lost cubs . If a child goes , trancelike out of doors and into the Wildwood , they will never be seen again . Mothers tell their children of the Vixen and keep the little ones indoors . If the children misbehave they are told that the Vixen may get them . As for the fox - child , nobody knows if he has found his dam . It was said that only Lisanna of the House of Keys might know and even she would not tell . Villagers watch for the fox - child and those few children , especially boys that are born with red hair are blessed at the kirk and wear iron crosses about their necks to keep away faerie magicks . Despite the tale of the fox - child , red - haired children are loved as much for their rarity . They are called flame - haired , copper - haired and seen in the villages as the most beautiful . The girls especially are treasured if they have flaming red hair , for their eyes are green or blue and they are said to have faery blood in them , which strangely is seen as good . It protects them in this dangerous world . Winter had come in all its wildness to the House of Keys . The wind was wild and bitterly cold , cutting across the land like Death 's own scythe , steely and sharp . It had rained the day before , but now that rain had turned into sleet and thence to snow . Deceitful snow that appeared pretty and soft , but could kill in its cold grip . Lisanna gazed out of the tall windows of the House of Keys and watched the gardens turn white with the blowing snow . The library was warm and rich with colour in contrast to the bluish - whiteness and greys and black outside . She was about to turn away when a flash of colour in the large gardens caught her eye and she turned back to the window , peering through the haze of falling snow . Beside a bush she saw a russet patch of colour and recognised it as a fox . " Poor thing , " she murmured , for she was a sympathetic young woman . Still and all , it was a wild thing too and she turned back to the warm fire blazing in the hearth . On the armchair near the fireside her cat , Grimoire was curled up tightly , only the gentle rise and fall of his side showing he still lived . Lisanna crossed the room in her salmon pink slippers of kid leather and leaning over the cat , she caressed him . He purr - meowed briefly and sighed , but did not move . Lisanna sat on the sopha and took up her book again . After a little while , the door opened and she looked up . Bonnie the housekeeper entered with a stony look on her face . He dashed in and suddenly so that Lisanna sat up quickly fearing that he might hurt himself in his haste . But more astonishing to her was Grimoire 's reaction . The cat suddenly sprang from the armchair and fled under the sopha , hissing at the newcomer . The boy 's hands and feet seemed to be black to the elbows and knees . The hair on him was thick and reddish . His eyes were green and wild and his ears had something of a pointed nature that was somehow indefinable . He sat upon the floor squatting on his haunches and looked at Lisanna closely . Lisanna felt in that instant a strong thrill of terror as if he meant her ill . But he was only a boy , ragged looking and with a strong scent she had never come across before . She smiled , as much for her benefit as his and said softly , The boy thanked her in a low growl of a voice and prowled towards the fire . He did not go too near it , just close enough to warm himself . He shut his eyes in pleasure and licked his lips . In that moment , Lisanna felt her heart leap with recognition at an impossibility . She watched him settle on his side by the fire , his elbows on the floor and his head turned to look at her . He rested and Bonnie brought him broth with cooked chicken and pork in it . He ate it with a great deal of pleasure and , Lisanna could not help but notice , savagery . He ate out of the bowl like a dog rather than a boy . " You are , " Lisanna hesitated and then continued in a rush , " you are a fox - child aren 't you ? " Many strangers had come to this house and most with bad intentions . They wanted Lisanna 's hand in marriage , or her life and the Keys of the Wildwood that gave whoever owned them , power over the woodlands . So she did not ask the question idly . " A little food and a few moments rest are all , mistress . I do not wish the Keys , nor you . We who are of the wood trust your powers . You have been kind to us so far . It is enough , " he said . Having finished the broth , he stretched and yawned , throwing his head back . She admired his gracefulness and his lithe frame . He stood , though it looked awkward in him and gazed into her eyes . " It is Yule mistress , the time of sleep before wakefulness again . Tonight it is said all of us wild creatures may speak with humans . My gratitude be upon you mistress . Tomorrow morning your true love shall come and you will know him , " the boy said . He bowed and was gone before she could call Bonnie . Without him the library felt empty somehow . Grimoire stayed beneath the sopha , wary now . Lisanna took a deep breath and shut her eyes . Her responsibility was the Keys and her house . For twenty years she had kept them safe and protected . She shrugged her shoulders and returned to her book . But her eyes did not read the words on the pages and far too quickly the tears came , splashing hot on her pretty face and cooling rapidly . Faintly at first then stronger and stronger still , music came upon her . It was like birdsong ; the trickling waters of a brook , the wind through the trees in spring and it lulled her . She fell asleep where she sat and when she awoke she did so with a start . Had she been here in the library all night ? Had the night passed so quickly then ? Lisanna reached forward and saw her book on the floor at her feet . The fire had gone out and Grimoire was asleep again in the armchair . Lisanna stood and stretched ; first her long pale arms , then her wings , iridescent and shining in the fierce glare of reflected light on the snow . The glare filled the room . She set the fire again and lit it with a word . Then she called for Bonnie and asked for coffee and breakfast . " If it please you mistress , there 's a gentleman come . He is a knight and a prince it would seem . He was searching for a damosel , but has not found her . Shall I show him in ? " Bonnie asked her . " Please Bonnie , thank you , " Lisanna answered . She whispered another three words and the room was scented with cinnamon and roses . The young man who entered the library was a human , not a fay like herself . His hair was dark like ink , his skin was white as snow and his lips she noticed were red as blood . She found herself smiling at him . He was about to speak and she heard his voice in her heart , and reaching out for him , she took him in her arms and held him . They were married in the Spring and lived comfortably . How do I know ? I am married to Roselle their daughter . As for the fox - child , I am sure he found his dam . I have always taken care not to harm foxes ever since . Nor it is said , did Lisanna . After all , it is the heart of winter now , the Festival of Yule . The land sleeps and humans come together to celebrate surviving another year and prepare to welcome the return of the sun . There are certain things , Princess Selena thought to herself , which a woman needs . Three good meals a day , a room of one 's own with a good bed and the love of a decent person . Of course she was not in that position , having left her father 's kingdom some months ago to seek her fortune . Right now , Selena was thinking that her mother had had a point . She had been alright to start with . She had ridden her horse through several towns and spent her money carefully . She had not dressed in fine clothes so as not to attract thieves . She had even let herself go a little to hide much of her prettiness . Even so , she had skin as blushing as a pale pink rose , eyes as dark as sloes and hair as black as a raven 's wing . Fortunately she had insisted as a teenager on learning the arts of war , just in case . She had not particularly enjoyed them , but she learned them as a duty in between reading and study , which she loved immensely . She had been teased by her two brothers Ferdinand and Floyd for it , called a ' bluestocking ' which simply led to her wearing blue stockings in patterned fabrics . She ignored her brothers most of the time as a sensible sister does . Now , she paused at the top of the hill and looked down into a lovely green valley with a small village of farmsteads and a few houses more central around a town hall and a large church . Her horse had been stolen , she had been swindled and mistreated , but still she persisted in walking in the world to seek her own fortune . There are those no doubt who would have thought her mad , she wondered at herself sometimes , but still she kept on going . She was still a virginal young woman with her own fire and wit and none of her thirst for adventure had gone yet . Although she was ready to drop where she stood and sleep . She sat down for a little while and tightened her sash to keep her stomach from grumbling . She gazed into the peaceful valley and admired it even as her eyes scanned it curiously . After a little while , she got up groaning and taking a deep breath she trudged wearily down the hill towards the village . After a little while , she came upon a boy and his dog and greeted them both . The dog sniffed her hands and licked her hand . The boy said his name was Joe and who was she . She ate supper with the family and before long was taken before the village council who passed her on to the town council a little way away . They in turn passed her on to the Royal Palace where it was established that she was Princess Selena and of Royal Blood . Along the way , she had reversed her fate . She was fed well , clothed in rough but clean new clothes and even managed to get a horse after helping the Ostler 's wife give birth to a pretty baby girl . Now it happened that the Queen in this land was a great reader herself . She was also unsure that Selena was who she said she was . So she determined to prove the young newcomer . If she is really Princess Selena then she can marry my son and if not , she can be my librarian . But for pretending there will have to be consequences . She told Selena this very firmly . Selena smiled and answered that she would be happy to be the Queen 's librarian in any case for she loved books and for an hour or so after the two women discussed their favourite books . The Queen had lost her husband to war and now ruled her own realm until her son was of an age where he was likely to be responsible enough to be King . He was 20 and not nearly responsible enough yet , but she did love him for he was her son . Selena had no feelings for the young prince one way or another . He was handsome enough and quite sweet in his own way , but she saw too much of her own brothers in him . The prince was very fashionable and loved music and pictures as well as carousing and hunting . He did not mind reading in the evenings , with his mother for he loved her very much . Had she not raised him , changed his nappies when he was a baby , fed him at her breast and taught him not to misbehave with a firm but loving hand . She had and further she had insisted on educating him too . For all that he loved his mum as who should not ? So when the Queen told him to give Selena the Groovy Bedroom , he was happy to oblige . The Queen had several mattresses placed upon the bed and under them all she placed a single dried pea . You can see she knew her folktales . Selena was grateful and went to bed without a murmur . She felt the pea as soon as she climbed into bed , got out of bed and removed it before getting back into bed and sleeping very comfortably . " Oh your majesty , " Selena answered , " you forget that I read too . So I removed the pea from the bed and slept very comfortably thank you . However , this proves that I read , not that I am a princess . Though I am , I assure you . " Selena ate her breakfast and discussed her studies of flowers with the Queen , including the Sweet Pea ( Lathyrus odoratus ) and the Poppy ( Papaver Somniferens ) . The Queen was most interested and asked her what she knew of Rosaceae the Rose family . Selena answered with both wit and intelligence through breakfast . The following evening there was to be a ball . Selena was sent by the Queen a beautiful silk brocade dress of deepest crimson , a corset of silk and whalebone and some very pretty shoes of red and clear glass . Selena sighed and shook her head but put on the corset and the dress and a pair of charming knickers that matched the corset . She wore a new pair of dark blue stockings and even tried the glass slippers on before removing them . I can 't dance in those , she thought , I 'll slip all over the place . She put on her serviceable red satin Jimmy Choos instead and went to the ball . All night she danced and was admired . She ate well and drank well . How well that dress suits her , thought the Queen , but where are her glass slippers ? She asked Selena if the young woman had not liked the glass slippers . Selena kissed the Queen gently on her cheek and replied , " Oh your majesty , they are beautiful and I am very grateful . I am at a loss to see how Cinderella could possibly dance in them though . My Jimmy Choos are a lot easier to dance in and I should hate to slip and break the glass shoes . " " Oh your majesty , really ! I would like a little sugar with my coffee and my kipper is sweeter with a little salt . Now will you give over you darling ? " she answered . " Oh my darling , I 've been waiting for you to ask me to marry you ! " Selena replied , " But no more tricks . Just kiss me and let us talk about books . " And so , they were married and the prince was much relieved as he preferred carousing and hunting to books and while he liked Selena he was not THAT fond of a bluestocking . He liked Betsy Trotter the barmaid at The Crown and in time he married her . And believe it or not , I assure you that they actually did live very happily . Except for the occasional grumble , but what marriage is free of those ? The old man looked at me bemused for a moment . I explained that I 'd been away in China on company business for 15 years . He shook his head in wonderment and shuffled away . As such , I was still baffled . Where was Lilia ? Where the friendly hustle and bustle of the house and the street ? I had left the firm and returned having made some advantageous speculations of my own . I was now a fairly well - off man and had returned hoping to find Lilia and renew our friendship . I had written to her while in China , the intimacy of a handwritten letter still appealed to me , it was not the impersonal text of email that I had used for business . For a while she had returned my letters with vivid descriptions of her own . Her later letters however had the sense that something was left unsaid as if she did not wish to spoil my happiness with her own sorrow . It was subtle , just subtle enough that I could not quite come out and ask what was wrong . Did I love Lilia ? Yes , in the way I love those women who are good friends , but it never occurred to me to love her any more than that . Somehow it would have felt wrong . Nor did I wish to spoil a valuable and valued friendship with that love that calls itself romantic and is nothing of the kind . Besides , I had my books and my poetry to protect me from such ' romantic ' delusions . Indeed I had become something of an amateur author myself . I wrote for trade journals about doing business in China and of the intricacies of Chinese culture , which I had come to love as much as the country . Officialdom I disliked , but I disliked that everywhere . The beauty of a Chinese garden , the wonders of the country 's museums and the beauty of its people made me long to stay . Only a sickness made me have to return home to England . I was torn , for I loved China , but I loved also my homeland . I returned in late September when Summer clung on to its raiment while cold autumn sought to impose his rule . For a while I took rooms in Cavendish Square in London and recovered my health in relative quiet . Another dear friend looked in on me , brought me newspapers and books and welcome talk of people we both knew . She also reported what news she had of the landlady 's cat , a large , rumbustious creature , very handsome and friendly to all the local children . He was a hunter in the brick jungle and among the weeds of neglected neighbourhood gardens . My friend knew how much I loved cats and their ways . By the second week of October , I was recovered and restless . I phoned Lilia , but there was no reply . I took walks about London and met the ginger tomcat to whom I became quite attached and he to me . Soon enough I was summoned by a letter that finally took me back to Hallamwyck . There , I stepped out of the old familiar station and was shocked to realise that the town I loved so well had changed beyond measure . I had been away almost twenty years after all . I bought a map and went out into the town . I was looking for Branlington House and longing to see Lilia again . So you may imagine my shock to find the house covered in builders scaffolding and the windows temporarily replaced with plastic . Worse , I did not know where to find Lilia , or even if she still lived . I wandered like a lost soul , stunned by what I had found until I came across the Pot & Plate , a familiar anchor in this shifting town . I stepped inside and was taken aback to find that it had not changed very much at all . Old Grumble the cafe 's resident dog had presumably died some years ago , for I could not see him sprawled on the hearth of the old fireplace . I ordered a plate of the house speciality and a pot of coffee from a young woman who seemed familiar . I asked her if she knew what had happened to Lilia Branlington and she became brusque . I sat by the window and tried to absorb it all . The downfall of the house and the disappearance of my dear Lilia . A woman came from behind the counter with my food and the pot of coffee and placed them in front of me . " Oh William ! Oh my dear , I am sorry , I should have known you would ask . Eat your food sweetheart and come back after five . We 'll talk then , when I 'm not so busy , " she said . She smiled and her lovely face softened . Glenda McLeod had always had a lovely friendly face . It positively sparkled when she smiled . " Oh bless you , no . He died of old age five years ago . Just went to sleep on the hearth and never woke up , poor old thing , " she said . She sighed and reaching across the table she took my hand . Her fingers were warm and moist - and comforting . I felt that at last I had met my old life and recognised it . " Then my George went , doctor said it was his heart . Now there 's just me and Sula . I think she was just a little girl when you left . I missed you William , you were always very kind . I remember you feeding Grumble when you thought I wasn 't looking ! That dog could be a right scrounger when he wanted , " she chuckled . " I didn 't think you knew . He would look at me with those big eyes and I couldn 't resist . Glenda , what happened ? Where is Lilia ? " I asked her . I had not given it much thought , I was so sure I 'd see Lilia again . We are so fixed in time ourselves that we do not quite expect the world to change around us so quickly . I told Glenda I had to see a lawyer at 2 o ' clock and then I had intended to spend a little time with Lilia catching up . I told her that I was living in London at present and hoped to invite Lilia to come up and visit me there . " Oh sweetheart ! Go see your lawyer , take a look around and come back here at half - four . When the shop 's closed up , we 'll go up and talk . You 'll spend the night here . I 'm telling you William , not asking , " she said wagging a finger at me . I nodded and she came around the table and hugged me . I put my arms around her and inhaled her scent of warmth , cooking and the delicate scent of jasmine perfume . Then she stood back and smiled a little wistfully . Then I went back out into the town and with the help of the map found the offices of the lawyer whose importunate letter had summoned me . I sat for a while in silence in a hushed waiting room that had an air of solemnity . After some minutes I had made a decision and yet it was contingent on what I did not yet know . A young man called my name and I followed him into the office of Sally - Ann Matthews the lawyer . She sat straight behind her desk and smiled briefly gesturing me to sit . Her heavy ash - blonde hair was gathered on the back of her head in elegant waves and her grey eyes were depthless . She had aged well and while a few lines crossed her face , she was still a handsome woman . She was , fortunately , also a highly intelligent woman . " You summoned me Ms Matthews and I am come , " I said with a smile . " Someone else William . You have been left a large box and it 's key . I am not at liberty to tell you who left you the box , but you may or may not know who when you see it , " she said . " I am not at liberty to tell you William . I will say , as it will not compromise me that Lilia Branlington is not the deceased . Be easy on that score . I can if you wish have the box sent to your residence . It is not a big box , but it is heavy and a little cumbersome to carry , " she said . " Thank you William . I hear you 've been unwell , nothing serious I suppose or we might have lost you . You look well enough . I also understand that you 've been in China , are you going back there ? " she asked . I told her of my return and how it was unlikely that I would be returning . I felt a strong inclination to embrace her , for like Glenda she was another anchor in this shifting town . I resisted the urge to do so , for I had too much respect for her . After a little more chat , I got up to leave . To my surprise she got up and came around her desk to me . " I 've never done this to you William and most likely never will again , " she said and put her arms about me . " A great shame , " I said , " That we never got to know each other better . I 'll leave my address with your clerk . Should you get the chance to come to London , let me know . I shall make up a spare room for you . I would truly like very much for us to become friends Sally - Ann . I have always had the greatest of respect for you , " I told her . I left her office and made my way to the museum . There was , I knew , a full - length portrait of Lilia by Adams in the gallery - unless it had been removed to the store - rooms . I entered the museum and paused . It was so familiar and precious to me that I almost wept to see it again . I took a deep breath and glanced at the clock , It wanted a few minutes to three - fifteen . I wandered up the grand staircase to the main gallery and entered it . It was a high and long room full of paintings . Along the centre of the gallery at intervals were elegant padded benches where visitors might sit . I strolled along the gallery meeting the paintings again as one meets old friends not seen in some years . Unlike we mortals , the paintings rarely visibly age , they remain as fine as when they were painted for the most part . There , at the centre of the gallery was the painting I had never forgotten . My hand flew to my mouth as if to stifle a cry . There as in her life was Lilia in the deep red dress trimmed with bright orange ribbon and old lace . Her skin was as pale as milk , her hair a cascade of inky blackness and her twinkling eyes as dark as a raven 's . I remembered Snow White - skin as white as snow , lips as red as blood and hair as black as a raven 's wing and I smiled in spite of myself . I always recalled Snow White when I looked at this painting . I sat and gazed at her face . She was smiling as if Adams had said something he shouldn 't have and it had amused her . I recalled her voice , her scent and her laugh . I recalled little things she had said , her opinions and her jokes . I recalled her pouring coffee for the two of us ; teasing me that I would get fat if I had more than one teaspoon of sugar in my coffee . I sat and gazed upon the image of Lilia , upon my dear , dear friend and I wept . After a little while , I took a deep breath and stood up . I wiped away the tears from my face and felt that I should never see Lilia again . Somehow I felt sure that she was dead and would only , could only live in the memories I had of her . I left the main gallery and wandered aimlessly through the museum until it dawned on my to ask an assistant the time . I had about a quarter of an hour to return to the Pot & Plate . I hurried there and took a cup of tea and cake in sombre mood . The place was busy now and Sula had only time to place the cake and tea before me , hurrying away to fetch another order . It took another half hour before she showed out the last customer and locked up the door . I asked if she needed a hand clearing up and she smiled and shook her head . I told her I knew about it . I 'd been in it one summer with Lilia . We 'd sat on the grass and had tea . She 'd worn a pale green dress and a matching hairband . " Well , it seems that Lilia was persuaded by someone , I don 't know who that she should have a well put in . Lilia was all for it , but then an old lady showed up and told her it would be a bad idea . She told Lilia that the Fair Folk wouldn 't like it . Well , Lilia laughed at that and the old woman went away in a fury . The well was dug and put in . It seems that one night , Lilia woke up and went out into the garden . She was no sooner on the grass in her bare feet then she changed into an apple tree . A maid who couldn 't sleep saw her . The problem was , that the next morning the garden was full of apple trees . The police were baffled . Then the old woman shows up and says that only someone who loved her might return her . They would have to kiss the right tree though . If they didn 't , Lilia would forever be an apple tree . Nobody dared , in case they got it wrong . That was ten years ago . Now the house is up for sale and the orchard is to be uprooted . Most of us think Lilia will die if that happens , but it needs - well someone like you William . If you can kiss the right tree , Lilia will live again , " Glenda told me . I sat for a moment taking this in . A faery curse on Lilia did not seem real . I could not imagine Lilia being cursed by anyone . Then I stood up . " I 'm going over there Glenda . I 'm going to kiss the right tree . I never fell in love with Lilia . . . " I blushed , I had fallen in love with Glenda , but she married George . " I know William , I know . But I didn 't realise until after you 'd gone . Now I have Sula and I 'm not the beauty I once was , no man wants me . But Sula and me get on ok , " she said with a smile . I went down the stairs , my heart thumping in me . I went out into the street , the painting of Lilia in the museum , burning in my memory . There was a fence around the site , but I climbed it . The builders had gone home and the street was mostly empty . A woman shouted out , something about the police , but I ignored her . I went around the side of the house and a strong wind blew up . I entered the garden and rain began to fall . I stood with my back to the house gazing at the apple trees . Their branches were weighted with apples , green and red . The gnarled bark and winding branches creaked in the storm that had sprung up . " You will never have her , she belongs to us now , " a voice made of wind and rain murmured about my ears . I stared at the trees and suddenly noticed something I had not seen before . I dashed forward my arms up about my head , branches lashing at me and clasped the slim trunk of one tree . I held on tightly and kissed the rough bark . Very suddenly there was a whimper in the garden . I thought it had been me . The rain dashed at my face and neck as if it would drown me , the wind tore at my clothes and hair . Still branches lashed me unmercifully . Suddenly I was aware of a heart beating against mine , of warm limbs and a howl of anguish rent the air . With as much suddenness as it had begun , the storm died away . The apple trees in the garden creaked terribly . I took the living being in my arms and lifted her up . I carried her away from that cursed garden and the house . Only in the evening of the road did I look down to find Lilia unconscious in my arms . I took her across the road to the Pot & Plate and Glenda opened the door silently . I sat all night with Lilia . She slept as if dead . I gently caressed her cold brow , stroked her ink - black hair and her pale , pale face . Sometime in the very early morning I must have fallen asleep . I awoke to my name being spoken , aware I slept on a soft stomach . I raised my head to find Lilia awake with a cup of coffee in her hand . I turned to Glenda and waited . She took my hand and put down her coffee cup . Then she went down on her knee . Reader , I married her . What else should I do ? I heard about the man when I moved to the little fishing village some years ago . It seemed that I had moved into the house he had lived in . Many of his old things were still there and I had packed them up and put them into the cellar , which at least was dry . It seemed that I looked a little like him , tall and scrawny with dark hair and eyes . But he had been a painter and I was a writer . My last novel had done very well so that I had been able to buy the small cottage by the sea . There was a small train station from where I could get to the city and to the nearby town for shopping . The cat who lived with me had sniffed around the small cottage and settled in . I sat every morning to write looking out over the promenade to the beach and the sea . The beach was shingle , not sand but I liked it . The sharp tang of the sea and the saltiness of the brisk cold air had a wildness to it . My predecessor had come to the village to forget a woman who had it seemed left him . Unlike me , he had been quiet and solemn - faced . Spoke only when spoken to , walked with his face to the ground as if pavement and road could only fascinate him . His paintings were of the sea and the landscape around the village . It seemed that after a little time his paintings were of animals and finally of people . They were not conscious portraits but from sketches or drawings . I took some of them to the city and had them framed . I even wrote some short stories based on his paintings . When I had first moved in I was more concerned about finding room for my books and clothes . I had spent money refurbishing the kitchen and bathroom to my taste and setting up the rest of the house with my own things . As a result it took me two months before I finally went down to the cellar and went through the former resident 's things . It seemed that he had been alone in the world like me . There was no next of kin and nobody to pass on his things to . I felt a need to respect them , conscious of my own lone - ness in the world . I had friends , certainly , but they had their own lives in which I was a small part . I kept in touch by email and the occasional letter . Once I met a friend for coffee in the city when she came down on business , but until then I had no friends come to my new home . So I sat in the cellar with the harsh fluorescent light and went through the former resident 's remaining property . His painting materials I kept aside to sell , but much of the time was spent going through his books and his paintings . He had some novels that I had and some art books that I had too . I went through them with pleasure , putting some of them aside for myself and some for sale . Then I went through his paintings . They were all signed and dated which made it easier to see how he had progressed from the dark mood he had been in to the brighter mood as his heart mended over time . But the mood changed when he had come across somebody new . I did not know if they had actually met and nobody would tell me . But he had been clearly struck by her dark hair and blue eyes . There was something almost feral about her expression , like that of a wild thing even when she smiled . He caught that at first but her face seemed to change in his portrayal of her . Her clothes and her expression . She was often painted or drawn on the shingle beach staring out to sea . As if she would rather be there than on the land . As if , the thought came suddenly to me , she belonged there and wanted to go back . Yet , the sea was always rough , green , purple and dark in those paintings . I did not know if that was how he saw her or he was painting only what he saw . If there was something between them it ended badly . It seems that she disappeared after a while . Nobody has been able to tell me where she came from , but when she went , the painter walked down to the sea one day when the sea was rough and a storm was threatening . Only a man walking his dog saw the painter . He said the painter was weeping or that his eyes were watering from the winds coming off the sea . He said that he saw the painter walk down the shingle to the sea 's edge and keep walking into the sea . The painter did not respond to the cries for him to turn back , but kept on going . It is said that his body was never found , perhaps he had weighed himself down with stones in his pockets . In any case he too was never seen again any more than the dark - haired , blue - eyed beauty . Only seals were seen afterwards , a pair with ink - black eyes and friendly faces and they did not stay long . With a background in museums / galleries doing curatorial work , I nonetheless gave it up . I 've been a creative writer for over 30 years and I 'm now addicted to it . . . along with books , chocs and shoes . I am also building a collection of contemporary British high street women 's fashion as a historical record .

The idea for this blog came with the photos of Madame Shawshank of Penrith and a Sussex Griffin . She , the Snapper places a photo upon the page . An image of any kind . I , the Griffin then must respond with a tale of somesuch . We are still recovering and it is likely we shall be considerably more careful with nature in future . Oh of course we heard the ' Green ' message and there were all kinds of messages about how to ' save the planet ' , when what we meant was saving ourselves . But we had reckoned without one key ingredient . There were warnings in the weather . Extremes of hot and cold , floods that covered vast areas of countryside and even the Great Flood that made the river Thames flood its banks and made London look like a dirtier version of Venice . Still there were the usual responses ; panic in the press , terror among the public and the sonorous tones of a government without a clue . But we did not learn . When the news came later of a tsunami that had struck New York and flooded that big city some people began to take notice of the scientists and some of the religious leaders who remarked as had been remarked before that ' God ' was angry . Nobody saw that somewhere in the cracks of our existence , where science and religion and even politics did not exist . Outside of the edges of our human awareness there was something we had overlooked in our self - styled superiority . So when that anger finally became manifest we were taken by surprise . Nothing we had could help us . Our fabulous technology was helpless . It began on what has become in our memory Green Tuesday . That morning , when our dear England was enjoying a period of stability , George Lakenham woke up to the sound of trumpets and horses . He prepared himself for the day as usual and went downstairs to make breakfast , sure that he was dreaming . He had just poured his coffee when he heard a rude pounding at his front door . George , who was a portly , creaking gentleman of a certain age , sighed . He ran his hand over his thinning hair and stirring his coffee , left the kitchen and headed to the door , his coffee mug in his hand . He was a stable gent was George . An accountant by profession , he was thorough , unruffled and calm . Nothing however had prepared him for this . When he opened his front door he found a tall green haired man with pale , green - tinted skin . The man was wearing green armour that was both beautiful and frankly archaic . It was covered in symbols that George did not recognise . " King ? No , we don 't have a king . There 's the Queen of England , but she 's in London . I don 't think she rules the country though , that 's the Prime Minister 's job , " George answered before finally asking , But the Green Man had turned away and mounted a large green horse . He turned his troop away and they marched off towards London . Even as George watched them he saw with astonishment the trees that grew up through the road and pavements in their wake . Willoughby Road suddenly became a forest . So much for Surrey . In Sussex , a land known for legends , the long dragon beneath the South Downs hills awoke and stood sending chalk and flint cascading from him . Small villages were uprooted and people fled into the fields . In Leicestershire , Black Annis was seen by two children who escaped her by running home . Beneath Bradgate Park the rocks were seen to rise until they were not rocky spikes , but the back ridge of a large black dragon . All over Britain , there were dragons and dark things rising . Faeries rode in their Rades , tall , beautiful and terrifying . All of them kept the people indoors frightened and silent . The government was commanded by the Faerie Queen to return all money to the land . The metals to make coin came from earth , all paper notes came from fabric and must be returned to the earth . In vain the government protested that money was needed for the economy . The Faerie Queen herself took over the governance of Britain . She abolished our system of capitalism completely and brought in new practices and procedures . Food and clothes were given to all the people , sustainability was made law . Forests were returned to much of the country and only certain areas were given over to farm for the various communities . Buildings were confined to specific areas also . Many people fled the country to Europe and America , only to find that similar practices were taking place also . The Americans had taken to war to defend their way of life , but were swiftly overwhelmed . A dragon cannot be harmed by bullets or arrows , the native spirits were immortal and invulnerable . Religions were equally confined by the Faerie and the Elementals to towns and cities - where human lived . No invasion of nature was allowed . So , they have taken over Posted by There used to be a mud path going past Barnswyck in the old days . But when the people started using it more , the council widened it and decided to build a road . For a while there were machines and men going along the wider path and it was closed off . For three months the construction was a nuisance . It meant going the long way through the main streets of Barnswyck with all the distractions and people . But after the three months the new road was opened with a small ceremony . The mayor of Barnswyck cut a ribbon and the road was opened to new traffic . There was a path and a large culvert beneath the road where Hode 's Bridge had been over the stream . For a while all went very well and the road became popular . There was a pavement on both sides so people could walk as well as drive past Barnswyck . A text on the road had been painted that said Fullforde , which was irritating to the locals who knew where the road went . I don 't know when exactly it changed , but Martin and Pete were going along there when they noticed that the text had changed . It read , ' Empty Empty ' and they joked that Fullforde had always seemed full when they 'd been . But as they got nearer , Pete felt unaccounably uneasy and then actually frightened , though he could not tell Martin why . He was curious that Martin did not feel the terror that filled him . Still Martin teased him and pulled at his arm , but Pete pulled himself free and ran back along the road . He heard a deep rumbling short laugh , then a short scream and when he turned back to the road , Martin was gone . As scared as he was , Pete thought Martin was playing a trick on him . He did not think anything terrible and carefully went back along the road towards Fullforde . He did not feel scared this time , indeed a deep sense of calm and peace filled him . He came to within sight of the writing on the road and saw that now it read ; ' Full Full ' . He frowned in puzzlement , the previous sign was not there and somewhere at the base of his mind the terror niggled at him , faintly . He turned and returned to our village . Over the next few days , reports came in of people disappearing and even a few vehicles . An articulated lorry that was due in Fullforde was never seen again . The company set the police on the trail of the driver , but they found nothing . Traffic behaved strangely too . The driver in front would see the words ' Empty Empty ' and joke about it . The drivers behind would stop with a panicky sense of terror that made them turn around and return to our village . The old people met in the leisure centre for their weekly get - together and discussed the matter . Granny Holle , had come to our village from no - one knew where . She was a jolly soul who kept her little house clean with a besom broom , so the children wondered if she was a witch . She laughed at the thought and teased the children , but she was always kind to them . She arrived at the meeting and said nothing , knitting away quietly as the other old people talked . Little Sam peered in at the door and catching his eye , Granny Holle winked and smiled at him . Sam tried to wink back but he was not quite as good at it and eventually he waved and went away . A little later he saw Granny Holle go walking along the road to Barnswyck and he followed at a trot . Yet , to his surprise , he could not catch up to her . He saw at a little way behind her the sign on the road , ' Empty Empty ' and felt the sense of terror gathering in him . He stopped and shouted out to Granny Holle , begging her with tears in his eyes to come back . But she only paused , turned and smiled at him , giving him a little wave of her hand . Or was it a wave ? Perhaps it was more that she was waving him back . Through his tears , Sam was sure he saw a large creature , shaggy and with a big nose grab Granny Holle around her waist and disappear as if underground . Then he remembered the bridge and he ran forward until he saw the sign on the road that for some reason still read , ' Empty Empty ' . There was silence for a long time . Sam walked backwards , afraid to turn his back in case the huge creature grabbed him too . As he did so , he saw Granny Holle climb up the bank and onto the pavement again . She paused to push pin up a lock of her long white hair , patted it into place and strolled towards him . " Thing ? Oh that . That was only a troll , my dear . Nothing to worry about any more . If you like , I shall tell you a story about a troll and some goats . I know quite a few tales about trolls my dear , " she said giving his hand a little squeeze and smiling at him . Sam did not believe that for a minute , but he did not know what to say . He went home with Granny Holle to have tea and cake , before his mother picked him up and took him home . He told her about the troll and Granny Holle and his mother smiled and cuddled him . I went along the road recently . The words ' Empty Empty ' were still there , but faded and worn now . I smiled to myself and went on to Fullforde singing . It is said that many years ago , in the time of the House of Keys , when its powers held sway over the Wildwood there were both good magicks and those most malicious . Stories are told in the villages not far from the vast Wildwood . In Goat - wyck and Lambton , even as far as Stoneburgh a particular tale is told of the Fox - Child 's Dam . It seems that a vixen gave birth to a litter of cubs in a quiet hollow beneath the roots of an old oak . This Skulk of Foxes , for so a group of foxes is known , stayed around that oak for quite some time as they grew . Every day it is said , their Dam , or mother went hunting to feed her cubs and returned often with a rabbit or a pheasant that her three cubs shared . Now a poacher with some hedge - magicks entered the wood and coming across the by now juvenile foxes , killed two of them and chased after the third who fled . Young as this fox was , he sought his dam , but could not find her . Being possessed of his own magick the fox left the wood and hid in a barn . There he came across a small boy and vengeful of the slaughter of his siblings by a man , he fell upon the boy intending the child 's death . But his own magick rose up in him and instead of bloody death , there was a merging of the fox and the boy . Knowledge , such as it was filled them both and the boy 's mousy hair became russet , his eyes green and yet the fox 's nature was within him . Much later , when the sun had run his course and his pale sister the moon arose from her bed , the vixen returned to find her cubs gone and blood around the oak . She screeched her wild rage and grief at the forest canopy and called upon all the ancient dryads of the wood . In that instant , the dryads took pity on her and told her all that had befallen her cubs . From that moment , the vixen in her fury swore vengeance and tracked the poacher to his village a little beyond the wood . There had been , some hundreds of years before , some faerie blood in her line and this was still strong in her . From the edge of the wood , she sang to the poacher 's oldest child to come to her . The child , a handsome boy like his father , fell into a trance and walked out of the house and into the wood . Once within the wood , the vixen had him . She pounced on him with all her rage and tore the boy to pieces until cruel death closed his eyes . Now the vixen returned to the edge of the wood , for she would have all the poacher 's cubs . But a cat who had once been a witch 's familiar had heard the song of the fox and guessed at it . He had been too late to save the boy , but the little girl he would protect . As the vixen 's song called out once more to the little girl so that she too fell into a trance , the cat sat upon the gate post . He sang a deep song , a hearthside song , a mother 's love and a gentle song . This song alone interrupted the vixen and the little girl began to cry . Her mother came to her , picked her up and held her until the girl whimpered with the two songs in her head . So the villagers say , that when the nights are dark and cold . When winter comes , grey , cold and hard as stone ; keep your children indoors by the hearth . Place cold iron over the doors and windows to guard against faerie - magick , for then the Vengeful Vixen sings her bewitching song to avenge her lost cubs . If a child goes , trancelike out of doors and into the Wildwood , they will never be seen again . Mothers tell their children of the Vixen and keep the little ones indoors . If the children misbehave they are told that the Vixen may get them . As for the fox - child , nobody knows if he has found his dam . It was said that only Lisanna of the House of Keys might know and even she would not tell . Villagers watch for the fox - child and those few children , especially boys that are born with red hair are blessed at the kirk and wear iron crosses about their necks to keep away faerie magicks . Despite the tale of the fox - child , red - haired children are loved as much for their rarity . They are called flame - haired , copper - haired and seen in the villages as the most beautiful . The girls especially are treasured if they have flaming red hair , for their eyes are green or blue and they are said to have faery blood in them , which strangely is seen as good . It protects them in this dangerous world . Winter had come in all its wildness to the House of Keys . The wind was wild and bitterly cold , cutting across the land like Death 's own scythe , steely and sharp . It had rained the day before , but now that rain had turned into sleet and thence to snow . Deceitful snow that appeared pretty and soft , but could kill in its cold grip . Lisanna gazed out of the tall windows of the House of Keys and watched the gardens turn white with the blowing snow . The library was warm and rich with colour in contrast to the bluish - whiteness and greys and black outside . She was about to turn away when a flash of colour in the large gardens caught her eye and she turned back to the window , peering through the haze of falling snow . Beside a bush she saw a russet patch of colour and recognised it as a fox . " Poor thing , " she murmured , for she was a sympathetic young woman . Still and all , it was a wild thing too and she turned back to the warm fire blazing in the hearth . On the armchair near the fireside her cat , Grimoire was curled up tightly , only the gentle rise and fall of his side showing he still lived . Lisanna crossed the room in her salmon pink slippers of kid leather and leaning over the cat , she caressed him . He purr - meowed briefly and sighed , but did not move . Lisanna sat on the sopha and took up her book again . After a little while , the door opened and she looked up . Bonnie the housekeeper entered with a stony look on her face . He dashed in and suddenly so that Lisanna sat up quickly fearing that he might hurt himself in his haste . But more astonishing to her was Grimoire 's reaction . The cat suddenly sprang from the armchair and fled under the sopha , hissing at the newcomer . The boy 's hands and feet seemed to be black to the elbows and knees . The hair on him was thick and reddish . His eyes were green and wild and his ears had something of a pointed nature that was somehow indefinable . He sat upon the floor squatting on his haunches and looked at Lisanna closely . Lisanna felt in that instant a strong thrill of terror as if he meant her ill . But he was only a boy , ragged looking and with a strong scent she had never come across before . She smiled , as much for her benefit as his and said softly , The boy thanked her in a low growl of a voice and prowled towards the fire . He did not go too near it , just close enough to warm himself . He shut his eyes in pleasure and licked his lips . In that moment , Lisanna felt her heart leap with recognition at an impossibility . She watched him settle on his side by the fire , his elbows on the floor and his head turned to look at her . He rested and Bonnie brought him broth with cooked chicken and pork in it . He ate it with a great deal of pleasure and , Lisanna could not help but notice , savagery . He ate out of the bowl like a dog rather than a boy . " You are , " Lisanna hesitated and then continued in a rush , " you are a fox - child aren 't you ? " Many strangers had come to this house and most with bad intentions . They wanted Lisanna 's hand in marriage , or her life and the Keys of the Wildwood that gave whoever owned them , power over the woodlands . So she did not ask the question idly . " A little food and a few moments rest are all , mistress . I do not wish the Keys , nor you . We who are of the wood trust your powers . You have been kind to us so far . It is enough , " he said . Having finished the broth , he stretched and yawned , throwing his head back . She admired his gracefulness and his lithe frame . He stood , though it looked awkward in him and gazed into her eyes . " It is Yule mistress , the time of sleep before wakefulness again . Tonight it is said all of us wild creatures may speak with humans . My gratitude be upon you mistress . Tomorrow morning your true love shall come and you will know him , " the boy said . He bowed and was gone before she could call Bonnie . Without him the library felt empty somehow . Grimoire stayed beneath the sopha , wary now . Lisanna took a deep breath and shut her eyes . Her responsibility was the Keys and her house . For twenty years she had kept them safe and protected . She shrugged her shoulders and returned to her book . But her eyes did not read the words on the pages and far too quickly the tears came , splashing hot on her pretty face and cooling rapidly . Faintly at first then stronger and stronger still , music came upon her . It was like birdsong ; the trickling waters of a brook , the wind through the trees in spring and it lulled her . She fell asleep where she sat and when she awoke she did so with a start . Had she been here in the library all night ? Had the night passed so quickly then ? Lisanna reached forward and saw her book on the floor at her feet . The fire had gone out and Grimoire was asleep again in the armchair . Lisanna stood and stretched ; first her long pale arms , then her wings , iridescent and shining in the fierce glare of reflected light on the snow . The glare filled the room . She set the fire again and lit it with a word . Then she called for Bonnie and asked for coffee and breakfast . " If it please you mistress , there 's a gentleman come . He is a knight and a prince it would seem . He was searching for a damosel , but has not found her . Shall I show him in ? " Bonnie asked her . " Please Bonnie , thank you , " Lisanna answered . She whispered another three words and the room was scented with cinnamon and roses . The young man who entered the library was a human , not a fay like herself . His hair was dark like ink , his skin was white as snow and his lips she noticed were red as blood . She found herself smiling at him . He was about to speak and she heard his voice in her heart , and reaching out for him , she took him in her arms and held him . They were married in the Spring and lived comfortably . How do I know ? I am married to Roselle their daughter . As for the fox - child , I am sure he found his dam . I have always taken care not to harm foxes ever since . Nor it is said , did Lisanna . After all , it is the heart of winter now , the Festival of Yule . The land sleeps and humans come together to celebrate surviving another year and prepare to welcome the return of the sun . There are certain things , Princess Selena thought to herself , which a woman needs . Three good meals a day , a room of one 's own with a good bed and the love of a decent person . Of course she was not in that position , having left her father 's kingdom some months ago to seek her fortune . Right now , Selena was thinking that her mother had had a point . She had been alright to start with . She had ridden her horse through several towns and spent her money carefully . She had not dressed in fine clothes so as not to attract thieves . She had even let herself go a little to hide much of her prettiness . Even so , she had skin as blushing as a pale pink rose , eyes as dark as sloes and hair as black as a raven 's wing . Fortunately she had insisted as a teenager on learning the arts of war , just in case . She had not particularly enjoyed them , but she learned them as a duty in between reading and study , which she loved immensely . She had been teased by her two brothers Ferdinand and Floyd for it , called a ' bluestocking ' which simply led to her wearing blue stockings in patterned fabrics . She ignored her brothers most of the time as a sensible sister does . Now , she paused at the top of the hill and looked down into a lovely green valley with a small village of farmsteads and a few houses more central around a town hall and a large church . Her horse had been stolen , she had been swindled and mistreated , but still she persisted in walking in the world to seek her own fortune . There are those no doubt who would have thought her mad , she wondered at herself sometimes , but still she kept on going . She was still a virginal young woman with her own fire and wit and none of her thirst for adventure had gone yet . Although she was ready to drop where she stood and sleep . She sat down for a little while and tightened her sash to keep her stomach from grumbling . She gazed into the peaceful valley and admired it even as her eyes scanned it curiously . After a little while , she got up groaning and taking a deep breath she trudged wearily down the hill towards the village . After a little while , she came upon a boy and his dog and greeted them both . The dog sniffed her hands and licked her hand . The boy said his name was Joe and who was she . She ate supper with the family and before long was taken before the village council who passed her on to the town council a little way away . They in turn passed her on to the Royal Palace where it was established that she was Princess Selena and of Royal Blood . Along the way , she had reversed her fate . She was fed well , clothed in rough but clean new clothes and even managed to get a horse after helping the Ostler 's wife give birth to a pretty baby girl . Now it happened that the Queen in this land was a great reader herself . She was also unsure that Selena was who she said she was . So she determined to prove the young newcomer . If she is really Princess Selena then she can marry my son and if not , she can be my librarian . But for pretending there will have to be consequences . She told Selena this very firmly . Selena smiled and answered that she would be happy to be the Queen 's librarian in any case for she loved books and for an hour or so after the two women discussed their favourite books . The Queen had lost her husband to war and now ruled her own realm until her son was of an age where he was likely to be responsible enough to be King . He was 20 and not nearly responsible enough yet , but she did love him for he was her son . Selena had no feelings for the young prince one way or another . He was handsome enough and quite sweet in his own way , but she saw too much of her own brothers in him . The prince was very fashionable and loved music and pictures as well as carousing and hunting . He did not mind reading in the evenings , with his mother for he loved her very much . Had she not raised him , changed his nappies when he was a baby , fed him at her breast and taught him not to misbehave with a firm but loving hand . She had and further she had insisted on educating him too . For all that he loved his mum as who should not ? So when the Queen told him to give Selena the Groovy Bedroom , he was happy to oblige . The Queen had several mattresses placed upon the bed and under them all she placed a single dried pea . You can see she knew her folktales . Selena was grateful and went to bed without a murmur . She felt the pea as soon as she climbed into bed , got out of bed and removed it before getting back into bed and sleeping very comfortably . " Oh your majesty , " Selena answered , " you forget that I read too . So I removed the pea from the bed and slept very comfortably thank you . However , this proves that I read , not that I am a princess . Though I am , I assure you . " Selena ate her breakfast and discussed her studies of flowers with the Queen , including the Sweet Pea ( Lathyrus odoratus ) and the Poppy ( Papaver Somniferens ) . The Queen was most interested and asked her what she knew of Rosaceae the Rose family . Selena answered with both wit and intelligence through breakfast . The following evening there was to be a ball . Selena was sent by the Queen a beautiful silk brocade dress of deepest crimson , a corset of silk and whalebone and some very pretty shoes of red and clear glass . Selena sighed and shook her head but put on the corset and the dress and a pair of charming knickers that matched the corset . She wore a new pair of dark blue stockings and even tried the glass slippers on before removing them . I can 't dance in those , she thought , I 'll slip all over the place . She put on her serviceable red satin Jimmy Choos instead and went to the ball . All night she danced and was admired . She ate well and drank well . How well that dress suits her , thought the Queen , but where are her glass slippers ? She asked Selena if the young woman had not liked the glass slippers . Selena kissed the Queen gently on her cheek and replied , " Oh your majesty , they are beautiful and I am very grateful . I am at a loss to see how Cinderella could possibly dance in them though . My Jimmy Choos are a lot easier to dance in and I should hate to slip and break the glass shoes . " " Oh your majesty , really ! I would like a little sugar with my coffee and my kipper is sweeter with a little salt . Now will you give over you darling ? " she answered . " Oh my darling , I 've been waiting for you to ask me to marry you ! " Selena replied , " But no more tricks . Just kiss me and let us talk about books . " And so , they were married and the prince was much relieved as he preferred carousing and hunting to books and while he liked Selena he was not THAT fond of a bluestocking . He liked Betsy Trotter the barmaid at The Crown and in time he married her . And believe it or not , I assure you that they actually did live very happily . Except for the occasional grumble , but what marriage is free of those ? The old man looked at me bemused for a moment . I explained that I 'd been away in China on company business for 15 years . He shook his head in wonderment and shuffled away . As such , I was still baffled . Where was Lilia ? Where the friendly hustle and bustle of the house and the street ? I had left the firm and returned having made some advantageous speculations of my own . I was now a fairly well - off man and had returned hoping to find Lilia and renew our friendship . I had written to her while in China , the intimacy of a handwritten letter still appealed to me , it was not the impersonal text of email that I had used for business . For a while she had returned my letters with vivid descriptions of her own . Her later letters however had the sense that something was left unsaid as if she did not wish to spoil my happiness with her own sorrow . It was subtle , just subtle enough that I could not quite come out and ask what was wrong . Did I love Lilia ? Yes , in the way I love those women who are good friends , but it never occurred to me to love her any more than that . Somehow it would have felt wrong . Nor did I wish to spoil a valuable and valued friendship with that love that calls itself romantic and is nothing of the kind . Besides , I had my books and my poetry to protect me from such ' romantic ' delusions . Indeed I had become something of an amateur author myself . I wrote for trade journals about doing business in China and of the intricacies of Chinese culture , which I had come to love as much as the country . Officialdom I disliked , but I disliked that everywhere . The beauty of a Chinese garden , the wonders of the country 's museums and the beauty of its people made me long to stay . Only a sickness made me have to return home to England . I was torn , for I loved China , but I loved also my homeland . I returned in late September when Summer clung on to its raiment while cold autumn sought to impose his rule . For a while I took rooms in Cavendish Square in London and recovered my health in relative quiet . Another dear friend looked in on me , brought me newspapers and books and welcome talk of people we both knew . She also reported what news she had of the landlady 's cat , a large , rumbustious creature , very handsome and friendly to all the local children . He was a hunter in the brick jungle and among the weeds of neglected neighbourhood gardens . My friend knew how much I loved cats and their ways . By the second week of October , I was recovered and restless . I phoned Lilia , but there was no reply . I took walks about London and met the ginger tomcat to whom I became quite attached and he to me . Soon enough I was summoned by a letter that finally took me back to Hallamwyck . There , I stepped out of the old familiar station and was shocked to realise that the town I loved so well had changed beyond measure . I had been away almost twenty years after all . I bought a map and went out into the town . I was looking for Branlington House and longing to see Lilia again . So you may imagine my shock to find the house covered in builders scaffolding and the windows temporarily replaced with plastic . Worse , I did not know where to find Lilia , or even if she still lived . I wandered like a lost soul , stunned by what I had found until I came across the Pot & Plate , a familiar anchor in this shifting town . I stepped inside and was taken aback to find that it had not changed very much at all . Old Grumble the cafe 's resident dog had presumably died some years ago , for I could not see him sprawled on the hearth of the old fireplace . I ordered a plate of the house speciality and a pot of coffee from a young woman who seemed familiar . I asked her if she knew what had happened to Lilia Branlington and she became brusque . I sat by the window and tried to absorb it all . The downfall of the house and the disappearance of my dear Lilia . A woman came from behind the counter with my food and the pot of coffee and placed them in front of me . " Oh William ! Oh my dear , I am sorry , I should have known you would ask . Eat your food sweetheart and come back after five . We 'll talk then , when I 'm not so busy , " she said . She smiled and her lovely face softened . Glenda McLeod had always had a lovely friendly face . It positively sparkled when she smiled . " Oh bless you , no . He died of old age five years ago . Just went to sleep on the hearth and never woke up , poor old thing , " she said . She sighed and reaching across the table she took my hand . Her fingers were warm and moist - and comforting . I felt that at last I had met my old life and recognised it . " Then my George went , doctor said it was his heart . Now there 's just me and Sula . I think she was just a little girl when you left . I missed you William , you were always very kind . I remember you feeding Grumble when you thought I wasn 't looking ! That dog could be a right scrounger when he wanted , " she chuckled . " I didn 't think you knew . He would look at me with those big eyes and I couldn 't resist . Glenda , what happened ? Where is Lilia ? " I asked her . I had not given it much thought , I was so sure I 'd see Lilia again . We are so fixed in time ourselves that we do not quite expect the world to change around us so quickly . I told Glenda I had to see a lawyer at 2 o ' clock and then I had intended to spend a little time with Lilia catching up . I told her that I was living in London at present and hoped to invite Lilia to come up and visit me there . " Oh sweetheart ! Go see your lawyer , take a look around and come back here at half - four . When the shop 's closed up , we 'll go up and talk . You 'll spend the night here . I 'm telling you William , not asking , " she said wagging a finger at me . I nodded and she came around the table and hugged me . I put my arms around her and inhaled her scent of warmth , cooking and the delicate scent of jasmine perfume . Then she stood back and smiled a little wistfully . Then I went back out into the town and with the help of the map found the offices of the lawyer whose importunate letter had summoned me . I sat for a while in silence in a hushed waiting room that had an air of solemnity . After some minutes I had made a decision and yet it was contingent on what I did not yet know . A young man called my name and I followed him into the office of Sally - Ann Matthews the lawyer . She sat straight behind her desk and smiled briefly gesturing me to sit . Her heavy ash - blonde hair was gathered on the back of her head in elegant waves and her grey eyes were depthless . She had aged well and while a few lines crossed her face , she was still a handsome woman . She was , fortunately , also a highly intelligent woman . " You summoned me Ms Matthews and I am come , " I said with a smile . " Someone else William . You have been left a large box and it 's key . I am not at liberty to tell you who left you the box , but you may or may not know who when you see it , " she said . " I am not at liberty to tell you William . I will say , as it will not compromise me that Lilia Branlington is not the deceased . Be easy on that score . I can if you wish have the box sent to your residence . It is not a big box , but it is heavy and a little cumbersome to carry , " she said . " Thank you William . I hear you 've been unwell , nothing serious I suppose or we might have lost you . You look well enough . I also understand that you 've been in China , are you going back there ? " she asked . I told her of my return and how it was unlikely that I would be returning . I felt a strong inclination to embrace her , for like Glenda she was another anchor in this shifting town . I resisted the urge to do so , for I had too much respect for her . After a little more chat , I got up to leave . To my surprise she got up and came around her desk to me . " I 've never done this to you William and most likely never will again , " she said and put her arms about me . " A great shame , " I said , " That we never got to know each other better . I 'll leave my address with your clerk . Should you get the chance to come to London , let me know . I shall make up a spare room for you . I would truly like very much for us to become friends Sally - Ann . I have always had the greatest of respect for you , " I told her . I left her office and made my way to the museum . There was , I knew , a full - length portrait of Lilia by Adams in the gallery - unless it had been removed to the store - rooms . I entered the museum and paused . It was so familiar and precious to me that I almost wept to see it again . I took a deep breath and glanced at the clock , It wanted a few minutes to three - fifteen . I wandered up the grand staircase to the main gallery and entered it . It was a high and long room full of paintings . Along the centre of the gallery at intervals were elegant padded benches where visitors might sit . I strolled along the gallery meeting the paintings again as one meets old friends not seen in some years . Unlike we mortals , the paintings rarely visibly age , they remain as fine as when they were painted for the most part . There , at the centre of the gallery was the painting I had never forgotten . My hand flew to my mouth as if to stifle a cry . There as in her life was Lilia in the deep red dress trimmed with bright orange ribbon and old lace . Her skin was as pale as milk , her hair a cascade of inky blackness and her twinkling eyes as dark as a raven 's . I remembered Snow White - skin as white as snow , lips as red as blood and hair as black as a raven 's wing and I smiled in spite of myself . I always recalled Snow White when I looked at this painting . I sat and gazed at her face . She was smiling as if Adams had said something he shouldn 't have and it had amused her . I recalled her voice , her scent and her laugh . I recalled little things she had said , her opinions and her jokes . I recalled her pouring coffee for the two of us ; teasing me that I would get fat if I had more than one teaspoon of sugar in my coffee . I sat and gazed upon the image of Lilia , upon my dear , dear friend and I wept . After a little while , I took a deep breath and stood up . I wiped away the tears from my face and felt that I should never see Lilia again . Somehow I felt sure that she was dead and would only , could only live in the memories I had of her . I left the main gallery and wandered aimlessly through the museum until it dawned on my to ask an assistant the time . I had about a quarter of an hour to return to the Pot & Plate . I hurried there and took a cup of tea and cake in sombre mood . The place was busy now and Sula had only time to place the cake and tea before me , hurrying away to fetch another order . It took another half hour before she showed out the last customer and locked up the door . I asked if she needed a hand clearing up and she smiled and shook her head . I told her I knew about it . I 'd been in it one summer with Lilia . We 'd sat on the grass and had tea . She 'd worn a pale green dress and a matching hairband . " Well , it seems that Lilia was persuaded by someone , I don 't know who that she should have a well put in . Lilia was all for it , but then an old lady showed up and told her it would be a bad idea . She told Lilia that the Fair Folk wouldn 't like it . Well , Lilia laughed at that and the old woman went away in a fury . The well was dug and put in . It seems that one night , Lilia woke up and went out into the garden . She was no sooner on the grass in her bare feet then she changed into an apple tree . A maid who couldn 't sleep saw her . The problem was , that the next morning the garden was full of apple trees . The police were baffled . Then the old woman shows up and says that only someone who loved her might return her . They would have to kiss the right tree though . If they didn 't , Lilia would forever be an apple tree . Nobody dared , in case they got it wrong . That was ten years ago . Now the house is up for sale and the orchard is to be uprooted . Most of us think Lilia will die if that happens , but it needs - well someone like you William . If you can kiss the right tree , Lilia will live again , " Glenda told me . I sat for a moment taking this in . A faery curse on Lilia did not seem real . I could not imagine Lilia being cursed by anyone . Then I stood up . " I 'm going over there Glenda . I 'm going to kiss the right tree . I never fell in love with Lilia . . . " I blushed , I had fallen in love with Glenda , but she married George . " I know William , I know . But I didn 't realise until after you 'd gone . Now I have Sula and I 'm not the beauty I once was , no man wants me . But Sula and me get on ok , " she said with a smile . I went down the stairs , my heart thumping in me . I went out into the street , the painting of Lilia in the museum , burning in my memory . There was a fence around the site , but I climbed it . The builders had gone home and the street was mostly empty . A woman shouted out , something about the police , but I ignored her . I went around the side of the house and a strong wind blew up . I entered the garden and rain began to fall . I stood with my back to the house gazing at the apple trees . Their branches were weighted with apples , green and red . The gnarled bark and winding branches creaked in the storm that had sprung up . " You will never have her , she belongs to us now , " a voice made of wind and rain murmured about my ears . I stared at the trees and suddenly noticed something I had not seen before . I dashed forward my arms up about my head , branches lashing at me and clasped the slim trunk of one tree . I held on tightly and kissed the rough bark . Very suddenly there was a whimper in the garden . I thought it had been me . The rain dashed at my face and neck as if it would drown me , the wind tore at my clothes and hair . Still branches lashed me unmercifully . Suddenly I was aware of a heart beating against mine , of warm limbs and a howl of anguish rent the air . With as much suddenness as it had begun , the storm died away . The apple trees in the garden creaked terribly . I took the living being in my arms and lifted her up . I carried her away from that cursed garden and the house . Only in the evening of the road did I look down to find Lilia unconscious in my arms . I took her across the road to the Pot & Plate and Glenda opened the door silently . I sat all night with Lilia . She slept as if dead . I gently caressed her cold brow , stroked her ink - black hair and her pale , pale face . Sometime in the very early morning I must have fallen asleep . I awoke to my name being spoken , aware I slept on a soft stomach . I raised my head to find Lilia awake with a cup of coffee in her hand . I turned to Glenda and waited . She took my hand and put down her coffee cup . Then she went down on her knee . Reader , I married her . What else should I do ? I heard about the man when I moved to the little fishing village some years ago . It seemed that I had moved into the house he had lived in . Many of his old things were still there and I had packed them up and put them into the cellar , which at least was dry . It seemed that I looked a little like him , tall and scrawny with dark hair and eyes . But he had been a painter and I was a writer . My last novel had done very well so that I had been able to buy the small cottage by the sea . There was a small train station from where I could get to the city and to the nearby town for shopping . The cat who lived with me had sniffed around the small cottage and settled in . I sat every morning to write looking out over the promenade to the beach and the sea . The beach was shingle , not sand but I liked it . The sharp tang of the sea and the saltiness of the brisk cold air had a wildness to it . My predecessor had come to the village to forget a woman who had it seemed left him . Unlike me , he had been quiet and solemn - faced . Spoke only when spoken to , walked with his face to the ground as if pavement and road could only fascinate him . His paintings were of the sea and the landscape around the village . It seemed that after a little time his paintings were of animals and finally of people . They were not conscious portraits but from sketches or drawings . I took some of them to the city and had them framed . I even wrote some short stories based on his paintings . When I had first moved in I was more concerned about finding room for my books and clothes . I had spent money refurbishing the kitchen and bathroom to my taste and setting up the rest of the house with my own things . As a result it took me two months before I finally went down to the cellar and went through the former resident 's things . It seemed that he had been alone in the world like me . There was no next of kin and nobody to pass on his things to . I felt a need to respect them , conscious of my own lone - ness in the world . I had friends , certainly , but they had their own lives in which I was a small part . I kept in touch by email and the occasional letter . Once I met a friend for coffee in the city when she came down on business , but until then I had no friends come to my new home . So I sat in the cellar with the harsh fluorescent light and went through the former resident 's remaining property . His painting materials I kept aside to sell , but much of the time was spent going through his books and his paintings . He had some novels that I had and some art books that I had too . I went through them with pleasure , putting some of them aside for myself and some for sale . Then I went through his paintings . They were all signed and dated which made it easier to see how he had progressed from the dark mood he had been in to the brighter mood as his heart mended over time . But the mood changed when he had come across somebody new . I did not know if they had actually met and nobody would tell me . But he had been clearly struck by her dark hair and blue eyes . There was something almost feral about her expression , like that of a wild thing even when she smiled . He caught that at first but her face seemed to change in his portrayal of her . Her clothes and her expression . She was often painted or drawn on the shingle beach staring out to sea . As if she would rather be there than on the land . As if , the thought came suddenly to me , she belonged there and wanted to go back . Yet , the sea was always rough , green , purple and dark in those paintings . I did not know if that was how he saw her or he was painting only what he saw . If there was something between them it ended badly . It seems that she disappeared after a while . Nobody has been able to tell me where she came from , but when she went , the painter walked down to the sea one day when the sea was rough and a storm was threatening . Only a man walking his dog saw the painter . He said the painter was weeping or that his eyes were watering from the winds coming off the sea . He said that he saw the painter walk down the shingle to the sea 's edge and keep walking into the sea . The painter did not respond to the cries for him to turn back , but kept on going . It is said that his body was never found , perhaps he had weighed himself down with stones in his pockets . In any case he too was never seen again any more than the dark - haired , blue - eyed beauty . Only seals were seen afterwards , a pair with ink - black eyes and friendly faces and they did not stay long . With a background in museums / galleries doing curatorial work , I nonetheless gave it up . I 've been a creative writer for over 30 years and I 'm now addicted to it . . . along with books , chocs and shoes . I am also building a collection of contemporary British high street women 's fashion as a historical record .

" Why ? Why do I have to make daily journal entries ? " he complained again . " I don 't like to do it ; I 've never liked to do it . I don 't see how it does my any good . " " So , why don 't you go ask the master , instead of complaining to us ? " Jeremy said to Marcus . " The master is the one who gave us the discipline . Our job is to just lovingly hear one another 's confession . And you complain , more than confess , about this part of the master 's prescription every time we gather . Of course , I only say that in love , you know . " " Got it , " Marcus replied , with obvious belief in Jeremy 's sincerity . " And , you know , maybe I should . Maybe I should go ask the master why I need to do this . I really don 't see the point of it . Not at all . Not at all . " " I know that you have given it to us as part of our spiritual discipline . But it is something with which I have always struggled . And , with all due respect , I don 't see the purpose of it for me . It may be good for the others , but I just don 't feel any good coming out of it . " " Oh , well … I don 't do it EVERY day . If I just understood why I was doing it , then maybe I 'd do better about keeping the discipline , " answered Marcus , with complete sincerity . Somewhat embarrassed now , Marcus tilted his head downward from their eye to eye contact , and somewhat mumbled , " Of course not , good father . It 's not that at all . It 's just that … . " " But there was this one week , where Ananias ' master told him early in the morning to go outside and fill a large jug of water - 20 gallons full - and to walk into the street , turning right , and to carry it to the end of the street . Then he was supposed to set the jug down and rest . Then he was to pick up the jug and retrace it steps and beyond their house until he got to the market place , where the street ended . Then he was to put the jug down and rest again . He was instructed to repeat this pattern all day long , and then come back home in time for supper . " Ananias did as his master directed . After midday , he began to wonder why he was doing this . He thought that perhaps he should be praying as he did his walking and carrying . And so he earnestly prayed as he walked and carried , for the next two hours . Then he thought that , instead of praying , maybe he should be paying attention to every detail in his journey up and down the street . He had been told by the master before that if he knew what was in front of his face , then what was hidden from him would be revealed unto him . " But , by the end of the day , nothing had happened . The next morning , the master told Ananias to do the same thing again for the duration of that next day . And , again , he did as he was told . But ' nothing ' happened . That evening , he asked his master why he was doing this . " And his master asked Ananias , ' Has it ever hurt you to do this ? ' When Ananias replied , ' No , ' his master asked him , ' Have you ever felt like your keeping of this discipline was harmful , in any way , to other beloved children of God ? ' Ananias replied , ' Of course not . ' And then his master asked Ananias , ' Do you not have faith in the one who gave you the discipline ? ' " Abba continued : " So the master said to Ananias , ' Well , I suggest you continue , then , just as you have been instructed , even again today . But , if you should encounter two men , and if they decide to follow you , listen to whatever they may ask of you . If , after they have followed you , these disciples ask where their Teacher may celebrate the Passover , then show them to our upper room , and do whatever they ask to assist them in their preparations . " And , so it was . About mid - afternoon , Ananias encountered the two men who asked the question his master had predicted . And Ananias did as he was told . And later that night Ananias was the only one of his household who was invited to be a part of the Passover celebration in that upper room . And Ananias was included in the bread and the cup received by each person there from the very hands of Jesus . " Mark 14 : 12 - 16 The Man with a Jar of Water On the first day of Unleavened Bread , when the Passover lamb is sacrificed , his disciples said to him , " Where do you want us to go and make the preparations for you to eat the Passover ? " So he sent two of his disciples , saying to them , " Go into the city , and a man carrying a jar of water will meet you ; follow him , and wherever he enters , say to the owner of the house , ' The Teacher asks , ' Where is my guest room where I may eat the Passover with my disciples ? ' He will show you a large room upstairs , furnished and ready . Make preparations for us there . " So the disciples set out and went to the city , and found everything as he had told them ; and they prepared the Passover meal . There are some days when I just wish I had never gotten out of bed . From the time I got up , it seemed that something has gone wrong , on top of something else going wrong . My wife irritated me before an hour of my day had expired . I don 't even know what it was that she said or did , but it just set me off . I tried to not respond meanly , or even angrily . But then something else happened and then another thing , and before I knew it , it was just some little tipping point that set me off . And she happened to be right there to catch the full force of my venom release . I felt bad right away , but didn 't know what to do . I left home not long after that , but things just did not improve . It seemed that wherever I went , whatever I did , there was going to be something that would go wrong . I ended up being like a bear with a sore head . I didn 't like how anybody did anything , and I certainly did not like how I was acting . I wouldn 't have wanted to be around me either . But I had no choice , and neither did they . We were just going to have to get through the day and hope that tomorrow would be better . I got home that night , after resolving on the way home to do better , to make amends for the morning gone wrong . When I walked in the door , my wife looked at me , and I looked at her . I wasn 't sure how this evening was going to go , but I surely could not stand a repetition of how the whole day had gone . " God ! why are some days like this ? ! " Oh , yeah , the kiss . We made it our daily ritual to kiss each other good - bye as we parted each morning , the same as our habit each night before we went to bed . " Sorry , " I said , and I gave her a peck on the cheek . " Oh . " Oh , yes , the mat . She was right . I had forgotten . Forgotten to look at it . Forgotten that it was there . Forgotten to allow it to shape my day . It was the mat that once had been my daily home . Then one day , five years ago , I had " a day that I would never forget . " At least that 's what I used to think . It was the last day that I lived as a paralytic . It was the day that those crazy friends of mine , Asher , David , Asa , and Levi picked me up , clutching the four corners of my mat , cut through the thatched roof on Jesus ' house and lowered me down on hemp ropes . I was scared to death : that I would fall and break my neck , that Jesus was be really angry for us messing up his roof , that everyone was going to laugh at me , that Jesus really was a fraud and that I would look like an idiot . I didn 't even believe in this guy , but my friends did . And apparently that was enough . A man who is awake to see night turn into day may not have believed in " sunrise , " but the reality of belief must give way to the reality of truth . I hadn 't believed that this man Jesus had the power to forgive sins or to provide healing . But the arrogance of that belief was humbled when my legs began to work and I got up and walked . Before I left him , though , he gave me one final instruction : roll up your mat and take it home with you . Since that day it has sat rolled up , there in the corner , a talisman to remind me of Jesus ' power and of my natural response of gratitude . Time passed and some days I forgot to look at the mat . Forgot to remember my blessings . Forgot to remember what Jesus did for me . And on those days … well , they were like today . It 's strange how something so great can just " be forgotten . " But my wise wife reminded me : look into the corner ; see the rolled up mat . Remember . When he returned to Capernaum after some days , it was reported that he was at home . So many gathered around that there was no longer room for them , not even in front of the door ; and he was speaking the word to them . Then some people came , bringing to him a paralyzed man , carried by four of them . And when they could not bring him to Jesus because of the crowd , they removed the roof above him ; and after having dug through it , they let down the mat on which the paralytic lay . When Jesus saw their faith , he said to the paralytic , " Son , your sins are forgiven . " Now some of the scribes were sitting there , questioning in their hearts , " Why does this fellow speak in this way ? It is blasphemy ! Who can forgive sins but God alone ? " At once Jesus perceived in his spirit that they were discussing these questions among themselves ; and he said to them , " Why do you raise such questions in your hearts ? Which is easier , to say to the paralytic , ' Your sins are forgiven , ' or to say , ' Stand up and take your mat and walk ' ? But so that you may know that the Son of Man has authority on earth to forgive sins " - he said to the paralytic - " I say to you , stand up , take your mat and go to your home . " And he stood up , and immediately took the mat and went out before all of them ; so that they were all amazed and glorified God , saying , " We have never seen anything like this ! " When the day comes to draw our last breath , what will be the story from all our breaths that will most be remembered ? What will be our legacy ? I haven 't always thought of such things . I used to only live for the pleasure of each day , and to make sure that others were impressed by me . Most of all , I wanted my Mama to be proud of me . I wanted her to love me as much as she loved the men , all the men in her life . , She 's the one who taught me how to be a woman , from the time I was just a girl . She taught me how to carry myself , how to hold my head ; how to posture my body . She knew all the ways that a woman can make a man do whatever she wanted . I used to dance like she taught me . I practiced in front of the girls my age , and it made them sneer . They were jealous of me ; that 's what Mama told me . I practiced my dancing in front of the boys my age , and they were rapt in their attention , but that didn 't do anything for me . One night , Mama talked my stepfather , the king , into letting me dance for him and all his important friends . I moved slowly , passionately , powerfully . I made each one of my seven veils draw the men in as each one fell to the floor . I had them ! When the dance was over , my stepfather was looking at me like I 'd never seen . He just sat there and stared , seemingly unable to say a word . Finally , the words came out . He promised me the moon . Whatever I wanted , he told me , was mine . I felt so powerful ; I felt so weak . I lost my composure and acted like a child ; I ran out of the room to my Mama . I didn 't have to go far . She was right outside the door , where she had been watching me . She glowed . She hugged me . For just a second , she looked puzzled , and then I saw a light appear from the back of her eyes . As it moved to the front , the corners of her mouth drew up in mounting pleasure . She leaned down and whispered into my ear . Then she hugged me again , told me how proud she was of me , and pushed me back into the room . I was fully composed now . I had these men in my power . My Mama loved me more than she ever had . The was the finest moment of my life . I told my stepfather exactly what Mama had whispered into my ear . And then , just as I had seen the light grow in her eyes , I saw the color drain from her husband 's face . He was not pleased . I began to wonder if I had done wrong . I just stood there and he just sat there . It was only a moment , but it seemed so long . Then he snapped his fingers and one of his men came over . It was probably half an hour later , when that man came back into the room . He was carrying a plate in his hands . As he moved between the revelers , they parted to form an aisle to the king and me . As the aisle formed , silence came in its wake . Then I saw it . It was what I had asked for . But the sight was more than I could have imagined . There was a man 's head , blood congealed on the plate and still dripping . The man 's eyes were open . I could see the terror captured in them . The king simply nodded and tilted his head toward me . " There it is , Salome . Take what you asked for . Take it and give it to your mother . " I didn 't want to take the plate , but it was pushed into my hands . I held it as far away from my body as my shaking arms would allow , without dropping it . I practically ran from the room . My Mama was in the same place I 'd last seen her , just outside the door . She was delighted as she took the plate from my hands , and said over her shoulder , as she walked away , " That 's my baby ; that 's my good little girl . " I saw another man die . He was a cousin to the first one . The one I killed was John . The second one was Jesus . Although I had killed him , I never knew the first one . The second one forgave me for what I did to John . His forgiveness was more powerful than anything I had done that night of dancing . His forgiveness saved me from my memory , from my hatred of myself and of my family . His forgiveness gave me the power of love . And I was there when they killed him . And I was there when we found out that he was risen from the dead . In his kindness , John Mark told my story as part of Jesus ' story . He didn 't mention my name in the first part , but he did in the second parts . I am the same Salome . But when I take my last breath , it will be the forgiveness and the new life that Jesus gave me that will be remembered of Salome . That , thanks be to God , is my legacy . It is the gift that I have passed on with everyone who has heard my story . It is more powerful than the worst thing any of us can ever do . This I know . For Herod himself had sent men who arrested John , bound him , and put him in prison on account of Herodias , his brother Philip 's wife , because Herod had married her . For John had been telling Herod , " It is not lawful for you to have your brother 's wife . " And Herodias had a grudge against him , and wanted to kill him . But she could not , for Herod feared John , knowing that he was a righteous and holy man , and he protected him . When he heard him , he was greatly perplexed ; and yet he liked to listen to him . But an opportunity came when Herod on his birthday gave a banquet for his courtiers and officers and for the leaders of Galilee . When his daughter Herodias came in and danced , she pleased Herod and his guests ; and the king said to the girl , " Ask me for whatever you wish , and I will give it . " And he solemnly swore to her , " Whatever you ask me , I will give you , even half of my kingdom . " She went out and said to her mother , " What should I ask for ? " She replied , " The head of John the baptizer . " Immediately she rushed back to the king and requested , " I want you to give me at once the head of John the Baptist on a platter . " The king was deeply grieved ; yet out of regard for his oaths and for the guests , he did not want to refuse her . Immediately the king sent a soldier of the guard with orders to bring John 's head . He went and beheaded him in the prison , brought his head on a platter , and gave it to the girl . Then the girl gave it to her mother . and Mark 16 : 1 ( When the Sabbath was past , Mary Magdalene , Mary the mother of James , and Salome bought spices , so that they might go and anoint him . And very early on the first day of the week , when the sun had risen , they went to the tomb . And they were saying to one another , " Who will roll away the stone for us from the entrance of the tomb ? " And looking up , they saw that the stone had been rolled back - it was very large . And entering the tomb , they saw a young man sitting on the right side , dressed in a white robe , and they were alarmed . And he said to them , " Do not be alarmed . You seek Jesus of Nazareth , who was crucified . He has risen ; he is not here . See the place where they laid him . But go , tell his disciples and Peter that he is going before you to Galilee . There you will see him , just as he told you . " ) | Tagged # Expectations , # forgiveness , # healing , # Legacy , # midrash , # Salome , # Surprised by Jesus I have always wanted to be somebody . I knew that I could be somebody , somebody special , somebody that people looked up to . I just needed the right formula in the right circumstance , with the right people , at the right time . That 's all . I feel that I was made to be somebody important . I 've tried several things , but nobody seems to want to give me a break to do things in a big way . I keep saying to myself , " This is ' hero time . ' This is where the real leaders will shine . " But something seems to always go wrong , regardless of how I plan and prepare . Something beyond my control seems to always step forward out of the dark shadows and trip me , right when I 'm picking up speed . Last month , there was a guy who came to our little town of Magdala . You could tell that he was really special . People followed him . People listened to him . He moved people . My sister Mary said that he had touched her in a way that nobody else ever had . She 's about half - crazy , so I didn 't pay her much mind . But after she told me that , I noticed that she didn 't seem quite so crazy , at all , at all . At Mary 's insistence , I went to see him one day . He was teaching people down by the shore . After I listened for awhile , I saw that this was somebody special , and he didn 't even try to be special . It just came out of him . I followed him around for two days . I got a feel for how he moved people , but I never saw him doing anything designed to arouse their emotions , their passions . People just responded to his presence . I also saw that there were people who simply touched him and were never the same again . I think my sister Mary was one of them . His name , she told me , was Jesus . He left town after a few days , and she decided to follow him . At least as far as Capernaum . I told her that people would talk , if she just took up and followed a man and his little band of disciples . She looked downward , and then while her head was tilted downward , looked up at me through the tops of her eyes and said , " Really ? Do you think after all they 've said about me over these past years ( " Crazy Mary ! " " Demon possessed Mary ! " etc . , etc . ) that I worry about what people say . This man has given me my life back . And so , she went . People kept talking about that Jesus after he left . I heard them . I heard them tell about how he had healed people . I even heard whispering about " He made Crazy Mary well . " I began to wish that I had gone with Mary . I wished that I could see what was his secret . He was able to do what I knew was always my destiny . And then , I thought , " Well , why can 't I do what he did ? " It really began as an accident . I was coming home from the market one day , and I saw a Roman soldier go by me on a chariot - traveling much too fast . The little neighbor boy didn 't see or hear the chariot in time ; he was too busy playing . And the chariot hit , and ran over , the little boy . That lousy guy just kept on going ; he never even stopped . I ran up to the boy and he was hurting a lot . I thought he would cry , but instead the boy passed out . I was afraid he was going to die . It just wasn 't right . He never did anything to hurt anyone . I wanted to chase down that soldier and … and what ? I didn 't have any power . I couldn 't do anything . I 've never had any power . I 've never been able to do anything . I just sat there in the dirt and held that boy in my arms . I could feel him , could feel his body doing something . Was he dying ? I just closed my eyes , and held they boy close to my chest . I just held him and opened by whole heart up to God . I don 't think I prayed for anything . I just was as clear and unfettered in my connection to God as I have ever been . " Jesus . " That 's all . " Jesus . " I said it . And then I stopped . Stopped and remained very , very still . And the little boy opened his eyes , and opened his mouth , and screamed so loudly ! But he was alive , and he was alright . I didn 't know what to do . He scrambled out of my arms and ran down the road screaming his head off , all the way to his home . Nobody saw anything . Just me , the little boy , and Jesus - the name " Jesus . " He wasn 't there . Jesus had left with my sister and the others yesterday . I never breathed a word about this to anyone . But , apparently the little boy did . His father came to me a couple of days later . He asked me if I was doing magic . He asked me where my crazy sister Mary was . I didn 't want to be special anymore . I just wanted to be . I knew that I had always been special . It 's happened a couple of times since then . I just happened to be in the right place at the right time , and I was able to go once more into that really pure , pure prayer place . And when the name " Jesus " comes to mind , I say it . And miracles happen . John said to him , " Teacher , we saw someone casting out demons in your name , and we tried to stop him , because he was not following us . " But Jesus said , " Do not stop him ; for no one who does a deed of power in my name will be able soon afterward to speak evil of me . Whoever is not against us is for us . For truly I tell you , whoever gives you a cup of water to drink because you bear the name of Christ will by no means lose the reward . " Jesus Got Into My Head and Got Me Out When the only sound you ever hear is the sound of your own voice , life is pretty self - oriented . It 's hard to get out of your own head . That 's the only place where you really feel at home ; the only place where you are fully understood . At least that 's the way it used to be for me . I used to hear many other sounds . I remember the sounds my mother and father used to make . They called me by name : Ephraim . I learned how to speak . They told me that I was a bright boy . I used to believe them . Then there was the day of the rock slide out on the edge of town . I was only five years old . One of the big rocks hit my head as I was running away , and they told me I was knocked out for more than a day . After that , the only sound I could hear was the sound of my own speaking . I couldn 't really hear the sound of my speaking - just the vibrations that my speaking made inside my head . They sounded something like words used to sound to me . That 's the only way I was able to speak at all , but I suspect that I may have not sounded as good as I used to . They told me when I was a small child that my name , Ephraim , means " fruitful . " I used to wonder what kind of fruit my life would bear . After I lost my hearing , I began to realize that like a barren fig tree , no one was going to want me . I just had nothing to offer . I had nothing that anyone wanted , because they didn 't know how to get it out of me . Oh , I was fine to work . I was a hard worker , a good worker , a careful worker . But it was hard for me to receive directions of what work was to be done , and how it was to be done . So , other than the most basic working tasks , like a donkey could do , I wasn 't much use . Something about deaf people seems to just make other people angry . They feel like that if they yell loud enough I can somehow hear them . But yelling just makes their face distorted ; I can 't hear them any better . And the effort seems to always make them angry . Blind people are given sympathy . People who have lost a hand or foot are given consideration . Deaf people are just shunned , because we are too frustrating , even though we look " normal . " Then , one day I met Jonathan . [ Meet Jonathan in earlier blog , " An Unexpected Encounter with Jesus . " ] He came to town as a stranger one day . He seemed to gather a crowd of people wherever he went . He would talk about something and people would gather to listen . I could not hear what he said . But I was drawn to the crowds , nonetheless , because I had never seen anyone who was not a soldier or a ruler get people to come to him and listen to him . I wished I could know what he was talking about , for his stories seemed to make other people feel good . On the second day Jonathan noticed me , standing there on the edge of the group which had gathered . He bent down and spoke quietly to someone , while never taking his eyes off me . He bent down , because he was such a big man . Then he came up to me and put a finger up to his lips , as though to silence me from talking . That made me smile . Then he put his big hands over his ears , as though he could not hear me . That made me laugh . Then he , too , laughed and gave me a big hug , like a lion would hold a cub : gently , but strongly . He invited me to come to his home - or , at least , to the place where he was staying . I learned later that he did not have a home , but that he just wandered about from town to town in our Decapolis , telling his stories . But I get ahead of myself . We had dinner together . He and I spoke and heard one another by making hand signs . He must have known deaf people before , because he seemed to be very comfortable in communicating like this . He signaled that he wanted me to come back to see him again on the next day - about the time the sun was highest in the sky . I nodded my assent . The next day I met Jonathan in the center of town . He was standing in a crowd listening , much like people had stood in a crowd listening to him the day before . They were all listening to a short man , at least who seemed short compared to Jonathan . Jonathan saw me and motioned for me to come over . Then as I was walking toward him , he stepped forward into the center of the circle and leaned down to talk into the ear of the man who had been speaking . They both smiled . Jonathan got down on one knee in front of the other man and again motioned me to come forward . The other man smiled , and put his hand on my shoulder . The this other man guided me out of the center of the circle , away from the crowd , his hand still on my shoulder . He turned and looked straight at me . It looked to me like he said my name , " Ephraim . " I assumed Jonathan had given him my name . They told me later that this was not what he said . But I answered him , " Yes , my lord . " And then he put both hands on my shoulders and looked straight into my eyes and said that word again . This time I could see he said something other than my name . I don 't know what . But , after just a second or two , I realized that there was something new going on all around me . I could hear the crowd . I could HEAR the crowd . The sound of their speaking was so very , very loud . I turned and looked at them . They were all looking at the man and at me and talking excitedly . And then I turned my head back to stare at the man , who had said something I couldn 't hear , but after which I could hear everything . This time he DID say my name : " Ephraim , go bear fruit , but don 't tell anyone what just happened . " At least that 's what I think he said . There was so much noise pouring into my ears now , I had a hard time separating all of the sounds . I never saw him again , not Jesus anyway . But Jonathan and I have spent our time together ever since that day . We travel together , all around the Decapolis and beyond , telling people about Jesus , and how he changed both of our lives . I think that what we have done has indeed borne fruit , for there are many who have heard our stories and have gone to find out more about this wonderful man who said my name , and opened my life . Then he returned from the region of Tyre , and went by way of Sidon towards the Sea of Galilee , in the region of the Decapolis . They brought to him a deaf man who had an impediment in his speech ; and they begged him to lay his hand on him . He took him aside in private , away from the crowd , and put his fingers into his ears , and he spat and touched his tongue . Then looking up to heaven , he sighed and said to him , " Ephphatha , " that is , " Be opened . " And immediately his ears were opened , his tongue was released , and he spoke plainly . Then Jesus ordered them to tell no one ; but the more he ordered them , the more zealously they proclaimed it . They were astounded beyond measure , saying , " He has done everything well ; he even makes the deaf to hear and the mute to speak . " Like my withered hand . I can no longer type . One hand works , but the other one just won 't respond . I used to be good at typing . No secretary ever had job security based merely on typing skills , for I always was a better typist . It was a matter of pride . It came on slowly ; I can 't even tell you when it began . Typing along and I looked up and saw the spell check color underlining splayed out across the document like some sort of " modern art . " It eventually occurred to me that the mistakes were all the fault of my left hand . I looked at it . Nothing at first . But , over time , I noticed that when I laid the left hand down on top of the right one , I could see the right one sticking out - the left hand was smaller . It got worse over time . Smaller , smaller . And , I swear , the skin seemed to shrivel up , like you see the peeling on an orange that has stayed in the fruit basket too long . You don 't realize when that peel first began to shrivel , but there it was . Oranges are one thing ; hands are quite another . I usually throw the orange away and go get another . I began to fear that the same would happen to my hand ; I would have to throw it away . No ! It may be shriveled up , and it may not work like it used to , but it 's been part of me for my whole life . It 's been a good hand ! Even when things lose their usefulness , you don 't just throw them away - fruit maybe , but not people 's body parts . And it 's MY body part . Other people may feel differently . They may decide that if I can 't carry my share of the load - or if I 'm too unpleasant to look at - then maybe I should be thrown away . It 's not THEIR body part . Some people only care about productivity . Just look at how they treat older folks who can 't keep up , at women who need to take time off to have the babies their men impregnated them to carry . And then , one day in the synagogue , I met Jesus . Yes , there 's another time when I remember exactly when my body changed . When I met Jesus . I just never could figure out why his healing me would make some of those people so angry . What was more important to them : my hand or their teaching ? I bet it would have been different if it had been THEIR hand and not merely MINE . There are quite a few " unnamed characters " in Mark 's Gospel , whose anonymity keeps them out of the annals of historical research . But , they were not two dimensional characters . They were real flesh and blood people , with hopes , dreams and fears , just like you and I have . The ones about whom I will share a midrash in this blog are ( a ) unnamed , ( b ) identified as a singular person ( i . e . not one of a pair , like on the road to Emmaus ) , and ( c ) are usually , but not necessarily , one of the socially marginalized people . Miriam was torn . She so wanted to make a good impression on Him . At the same time she also wanted to encourage her fifteen year old daughter . Young Mary was afflicted , in the way of teenage girls who are delayed in their development . To put it plainly , she was a Klutz - you know : clumsy . So often she would trip or spill or drop . Mary and Miriam arrived just in time to see Him come for the dinner . They stood back for awhile and watched to see what would happen . Finally , Miriam handed Mary the container . It was an expensive alabaster jar , and it held the finest of ointments - not anything that they could afford now , but it had been handed down to Miriam by her mother , who had gotten it from her mother - back in the days when the family 's resources were not so meager . Mary did as she was told . She was so excited . And then - just as she got up close to Him , her toe caught on something , and - once again - she tripped . The alabaster jar slipped from her hands and fell right by His feet , shattering into pieces - with ALL of the ointment pouring out - not just enough to anoint His feet , but enough to anoint everyone 's feet in the room , if it hadn 't all spilled out on Him . Mary heard her mother gasp . Oh , no ! She had messed it up . Before she could do a thing , she felt the hot tears welling up in her eyes , spilling down her cheeks , and now dripping into the ointment on His feet . Things were happening all in a whirl now . The other men at the table got up and came over to see what was the commotion . She heard her mother coming up behind her to rescue her . She was frozen in her spot , not knowing what to do . That moment of when she looked into His eyes - it was just a moment - was enough to last her a lifetime . He didn 't say anything to her ; He didn 't have to . His eyes said everything . They said : " You are so beautiful . I know what you intended . I am so grateful . I love you . " And then , without even thinking twice , she knew what to do . She fell to her knees and began to do what she had come to do ; she began to anoint his feet with the costly anointment . There was so much there . She had no cloth , so , without even thinking , she began to rub the ointment into his feet with her hair . Her tears mingled with the ointment , but no longer were they tears of shame . She was crying big tears of joy . Her very worst moment had been transformed and He treated her like she was special , like she was beautiful . Oh glory ! The slow motion of the moment ended . The men continued to come over and made a big fuss about what happened . But Mary didn 't even hear what was being said . Her mother , Miriam did . Miriam had seen what happened when Mary 's eyes met His . And she stopped coming forward to rescue her daughter . It was no longer necessary . But she heard ( and later told Mary ) what was said . The men had made such a fuss , and He had turned it around on them , saying that what Mary had done was such a beautiful thing . He had said that people would always remember what happened in that moment , and would tell about it whenever they told the story about Him . She told Mary what He had said . But Mary didn 't need to hear that . She knew that He thought she was beautiful , not a klutz . He had told her that with her eyes . She didn 't know if anybody would ever remember or tell about what happened . All she knew was that she would never forget , nor ever be the same . ( ( c ) 2013 0128

Grandfather d ' Lon tells me I must record the story of Clear Water before it 's lost forever . Even now the language of the Arapaho is fading . I know only a few words . My children know none . Time passes , and what we thought was eternal dwindles . There are no buffalo any more . Denver is spreading like sumac . The mountains seem unchanged , but white men have dammed rivers , and filled valleys with water . The white man 's roads and tracks have shortened journeys that once took a full season . I have seen the trains , horseless wagons , and flying machines . Soon the mountains will be only for those who choose to be among them . And soon the stories of the Arapaho will be lost to all but those who choose to know them . Many people believe that Clear Water Ranch is named for the mountain - fed creeks that flow through the land . This is not so . The ranch is named for my Grandmother , Clear Water , or Ciihkoowu Nec in the tongue of the Arapaho . I am not related to Clear Water in the sense that whites understand it . She is not my blood . But as the Arapaho understand it , my father was her husband , and that makes her my mother , even though we are not blood . Grandmother is the closest thing I can think of to call her . Grandfather d ' Lon is not my blood , but he is the loving Grandfather who made Clear Water Ranch , and so he is the Grandfather of all of us who inhabit it . He told my youngest son to write down the story of Clear Water as I tell it . Grandfather d ' Lon will have the story printed in a book . Grandfather d ' Lon thinks that will make the story last forever , but I know that someday the book and the story will be lost . This is the way of the world . Ciihkoowu Nec always said she was a summertime baby , born in the time between winters . Whether this is true , I don 't know . From stories told about her , she is said to have been a gift to Noohouseiht Ciicetno , for his leadership of his tribe . Even as a child , Clear Water was different , always she helped her mother and father . Always she helped others . Too ' ohuht Hohoot taught her womanly ways . Bent Hands and Short Tree believed that she would one day give birth to a leader , to take Bent Hands ' place . The young men of the tribe all sought her favor , but Short Tree kept them away , and held Clear Water to the right path . In time , Bent Hands and Short Tree chose Neniice ' Yeihowoonoox to be Clear Water 's husband . Gray Horse was the best hunter and horseman among the young men . He would give Clear Water fine sons , and he would lead the tribe after Bent Hands passed . The time came when Clear Water would marry . Even some of the younger girls had been given . But Clear Water didn 't pass women 's blood , and so they waited through winter , and until the snow melted . Bent Hands decided that Gray Horse should wait no longer , and Clear Water was given . Gray Horse had a fine tent , and he treated Clear Water well . Bent Hands and Short Tree were pleased with their decision . But sons never came . Even after two winters , Clear Water bore no sons . One night Gray Horse hit Clear Water across the face . And then he hit her again . In the still camp , the sound was clear for everyone to hear . Bent Hands and Short Tree took their daughter from Gray Horse . Without Clear Water , Gray Horse could not rise to chief . And most of the mothers in the tribe would not give their daughters to a man who might beat them . Gray Horse pulled down his tent , and left . No one followed his trail , so no one knew where he went . All that was known was that he went south . Clear Water was given to an older man , who had sons and daughters . But still she bore no children . The older man said he couldn 't feed an extra mouth , and Clear Water returned for a time to her parent 's tent . Still she helped everybody . Mothers knew Clear Water would help them care for sick children . Fathers knew she would help their wives bear children , and make clothes for them . And Bent Hands felt she was wise beyond any other man or woman in the tribe . That winter much sickness and starvation came to the tribe . Men , women and children died . Bent Hands and Short Tree died . The few who survived moved closer to the whites . There were few hunters , few wives , and no children . Clear Water 's place in the tribe was no more . She decided the best way to help the tribe was to leave , perhaps to get food from the whites . She went to the white man 's road , and set off for the white man 's village . But as strong as Clear Water 's spirit was , her body was weak . She could see the lights of the white man 's village , but she could walk no more . She sat , and asked the Great Spirit to come for her . The Great Spirit did not come . When Clear Water awoke she was in a room with two women , one white , one yellow . The white woman left , and returned soon with a white man she called Flin . Clear Water could see that the women feared Flin . He said something to the women , and then he left . The women bathed Clear Water , and as she was drying herself , the man Flin returned . He walked behind her , and used a sharp knife to cut off her braid . She was too weak to fight . The man Flin threw her braid into a stove . Her clothes followed . The next day she was given a thin dress , and a broom . The women showed her how to sweep , and she was set to sweeping the great room . She swept dirt out the door , and was tempted to run , but the thin dress was no protection from the cold , and for now things were not too bad . Each day in the morning she swept the great room . Each day in the evening she swept again , and hauled water to the fire near the bathing tub . She learned to tend fires in stoves , and to clean clothes . The white woman 's name was Inge . Flin called them the upstairs girls . In time another woman joined them . Flin called her Jew girl , and treated her badly . One day Clear Water was sweeping the great room , and she saw a man talking to Flin . The man pointed to her , and Flin nodded . Clear Water knew what would come next . From that day on , Flin sold her favors to smelly white men , sometimes two or three in a day . Clear Water thought she would have been better off if the Great Spirit had taken her . And then Jew girl was gone . The next day Flin and the sheriff were gone . Inge took over running the place . The women were treated better , but they still served drunken cowboys who smelled like horses . The new sheriff came and tried to take over Flin 's place . Inge told him no , that he must pay , or get out . Clear Water heard the talk , and knew the sheriff was trying to scare Inge . Clear Water picked up a shotgun from below the bar , and aimed it at the sheriff . Then she drew back the hammers . The sheriff left , and never tried to scare the women again . Inge gave the upstairs girls money . Clear Water used some to buy clothes . The rest she used to buy food . She rode Flin 's horse to where her tribe had camped . There were only seven men and women left . There were no children . The Jew girl came back with her man . They gave Clear Water money to buy more food . Then they bought cows , and took them to the Arapaho . The men learned how to tend a herd , and where the herd could go . It was not the Arapaho way , but living was better than starving , and so the people changed their way . Clear Water was pleased to see that one of the women was heavy , and would soon give birth . She told the men they must work hard now , to build shelters for the cattle and horses . She told them they would spend one more winter in tents . After that they would live in houses with stoves or fireplaces . In the deep of the winter , one of the Arapaho men was riding into the white man 's village , which was called Dillon . He was to gather supplies . As he rode , he began to see the trail of a man on foot . He was certain it was a man . Places where the man stopped to make water proved it was so . The man must have passed the Arapaho camp , and Grandfather d ' Lon 's trail during heavy snow . The rider came upon the man sitting under a tree . He was too tired to go on , and would soon freeze . He was cradling a strange long gun . The rider got the man on the horse of Flin , and wrapped him in a blanket . They went as fast as they could to Dillon , and Clear Water heard the rider yelling as he approached . They brought the man into the great room , and Clear Water sent the rider to get the white medicine man . The medicine man told them to put the freezing man into a tub of warm water . Told them the water must be warm , not hot , and the man 's hands and feet should remain outside the tub . The man had taken care to keep his hands and feet from freezing , but he was so cold , and so tired that he could not speak or move . Clear Water tended the man , while Inge tended the business . During this part of the year , the business was not much . Clear Water told me the man opened his eyes a few times , but mostly kept them closed . They gave him a tea Clear Water knew . It was made from willow bark . They gave him broth from stew . As he warmed , his hands and feet began to hurt . I have felt such hurt , and it makes a strong man scream . This man groaned , but did not scream . That night the man woke , and said something . Clear Water herself was asleep in a chair , and she woke with a start . He tried to get up , but his legs were not firm under him . Clear Water called Inge , and the helped him to his feet . They dried him and put him in a bed . He slept the night , and much of the morning . The man 's name has no meaning in Arapaho . I am told it has no meaning in English . The white man is strange . Sometimes his name has meaning , sometimes it does not . Clear Water learned to call the man Bela Antonev . My son will have to ask around to find the correct way to put the name . Clear Water seldom called him anything but Bela . Grandfather d ' Lon put Bela to work on a ranch which had been built by a man named Brooks . Brooks was gone , and so were some of his men . Bela soon became the leader of the men on the Brooks ranch , and then the leader of the men on the Arapaho range as well . Clear Water told the Arapaho men that Bela was not their chief . He only led them at work . But the Arapaho saw no reason to name a chief . They were eating and having children . Some missed the hunter 's life , but none wanted to return to the starving times . Clear Water asked the Arapaho if any had any objection to her marrying Bela . None did , but one asked if Bela knew . They laughed , but then she was asked if Bela knew she could bear no children . She said he knew , and did not care . And so Clear Water left the white man 's village , Dillon . The two ranches were united . Bela suggested to Grandfather d ' Lon that the ranch be called Clear Water Ranch . Grandfather d ' Lon agreed . Clear Water was again the helper of all . And Bela showed the men how to be cattlemen . Some of the white men would not ride with the Arapaho . Those men left , but others were quick to take their place . Some of the men on the ranch now are Arapaho . Some are Cheyenne . Some are white . That summer a band of flat hats came to Clear Water Ranch . Grandfather d ' Lon came to the ranch to meet them , and there was much discussion . Two lodges were built , one close to the road for travelers , and another away from the road , where the Arapaho tents were pitched . Both lodges had two stoves , one for cooking , and one for heating . Arapaho women fed travelers . Some travelers stayed through the night . This story is long , and my son will be busy putting it into the white man 's marks . I can read some , but I see already that this story is beyond my reading . But I cannot end yet , without telling the story of my father , Gray Horse . Gray Horse rode alone for two years . He says he traveled south , on the edge of the mountains , and avoided other tribes . That is how he was able to avoid the sicknesses . In the second winter , Gray Horse came across a white man 's camp . There was no fire , and the mule was close to death . When he looked into the tent , Gray Horse found the white man frozen stiff , with a whiskey bottle in his hand . I have told my son to write that it was whiskey , not fire water , which is a stupid white man 's expression . Gray Horse buried the white man under rocks , with his precious whiskey bottles . Then he took the white man 's hat , knife , one whiskey bottle , and gun . He put a blanket on the mule , and coaxed it into moving . Then he led it to the white man 's village Flagstaff . He spent some time looking at the village , and decided the building with the star on it would be the chief 's lodge . In the chief 's lodge , he met two men wearing stars on their shirts . One was white , the other was as dark as a buffalo . The white man motioned Gray Horse to sit . First Gray Horse put the hat , knife and whiskey bottle on the table in front of the chief . The chief said something to the other star man , who opened the door and a window . Through motions of drinking , shivering , drinking again , and finally going to sleep , Gray Horse made the chief understand that the owner of the hat and knife drank himself to death . The second star man said the hat looked like it belonged to Irish Soapy . The mule too . The chief agreed . Since the man Irish Soapy hadn 't been seen in weeks , it was decided Irish Soapy got drunk and froze . The chief offered Gray Horse a cup of coffee , which Gray Horse sniffed . He tasted it , and set the cup on the chief 's table . The chief and the star man talked for a bit , and then the star man left . He came back soon with a wagon . My son tells me he has heard this story before , and he thinks star man , and chief are not good words for the deputy and marshal . He is probably right . I will trust him to use the good words . The marshal and deputy made it known they wanted Gray Horse to show them where the frozen body was . Gray Horse nodded . Then the marshal gestured that Irish Soapy had a repeating rifle . Gray Horse nodded again , and indicated that he claimed the rifle . Since Irish Soapy had no kin , and no friends , the marshal said no more about the rifle . Gray Horse motioned that the wagon would not reach the camp . The marshal nodded , and said they would get as close as they could . They closed up the marshal 's lodge - my son calls it an office - and followed Gray Horse to the camp . The wagon made it all the way to the camp , and Gray Horse was impressed by the determination of the mule . There they uncovered the body , and put it on the wagon . Then they took down the tent , and put that on the wagon . There was a saddle , some food , many bottles , traps , and a few hides . There was also a large black pan , but no kettle , and a coffee pot . When this was done , the marshal tapped his chest , and said d ' Lon . Then he pointed to the deputy , and said Freign . Gray Horse nodded , and tapped himself on the chest . When he said his name , he could see Neniice ' Yeihowoonoox meant nothing to the white men , so he patted his horse . The marshal said Horse , and Grey Horse pointed to the marshal 's red horse and shook his head . Then he ran his hand over the neck of his own gray horse . It was the deputy who understood . The traveled for about two hours , slowed by the pace of the wagon , and came to a camp . Gray Horse counted ten tents . He could see they were Cheyenne , and he was uncomfortable . But he did not show it , and the marshal and deputy seemed not afraid to enter the camp . Most of the women stayed in their tents . Gray Horse counted eight men behind the chief . The marshal nodded to the chief , and called him Bear Coat . The chief nodded to the marshal , and called him d ' Lon . Then the chief pointed to the wagon , and the marshal said ' Irish Soapy ' . The chief spoke in the white man 's way and said he would not miss Irish Soapy . Irish Soapy took more game than he needed , and left little for Bear Coat 's people . Bear Coat said Irish Soapy probably got stupid with whiskey , and froze . The marshal said it was so , and nobody would miss Irish Soapy . Gray Horse knew they were talking about him , even though they were speaking in the white man 's way , and he said " Neniice ' Yeihowoonoox " . The speaking of the Cheyenne is not the same as the speaking of the Arapaho , but it is like . Gray Horse and Bear Coat were able to talk in a mix of the two ways . " Neniice ' Yeihowoonoox travels alone because he struck his wife , the daughter of his chief . He has been gone two winters from his tribe . They are well north of here . When Neniice ' Yeihowoonoox left them , the tribe was a bit bigger than ours . Did d ' Lon bring Neniice ' Yeihowoonoox here to know these things ? " " Partly so Bear Coat . But partly to see if he can have a place with you . He and his horse are both well fed , even this deep into winter . Can you use another hunter ? I think he would be happier among Cheyenne , than among whites . " Bear Coat spoke to Gray Horse for a bit , then he turned to the marshal , and told him Neniice ' Yeihowoonoox had no wish to live among whites . He would ride alone . But if the Cheyenne wanted , he would ride with them . The marshal and the deputy removed most of Irish Soapy 's things from the wagon . Only Irish Soapy and his empty whiskey bottles remained to burden the mule . Bear Coat invited them to stay for a bit in his tent , but the marshal said he must go while there was still light . They grasped hands . Gray Horse asked Bear Coat if there was a man who needed a knife , since he had two . Bear Coat called to a young man who came and took the knife . The gift made the young man happy , and raised Gray Horse in the eyes of Bear Coat . Three winters came and went . Gray Horse was a better hunter than any of the Cheyenne , but he showed them his ways . None were as good as Gray Horse , but all got more game . They also got more skins to trade . Each time Bear Coat went to Flagstaff , he took Gray Horse with him . Gray Horse told Bear Coat he should also ask one other man to ride with them . Three would be no threat to the whites , and if Bear Coat chose a different third man each time , soon all the men would know the white man 's ways . Bear Coat nodded . When they went to Flagstaff , Bear Coat always talked to the marshal . Gray Horse picked up some of the white man 's words . After Gray Horse was with the Cheyenne four winters , He rode with Bear Coat and another man to Flagstaff . Bear Coat led them to the marshal 's office . The marshal gave each man coffee . Bear Coat sipped the coffee , and said it was good , so Freign must have made it . Gray Horse could not tell if the coffee was good or bad , but he drank some to show respect for the marshal . They talked for a while , and Bear Coat said Gray Horse was his best hunter . Bear Coat told the marshal that if Gray Horse were Cheyenne , he would be the next chief . Bear Coat asked the marshal if making Gray Horse chief would be a good thing , or a bad thing . The marshal drank coffee for a time . Then he looked at Gray Horse . The marshal looked at Bear Coat and asked who was Ciihkoowu Nec ? Gray Horse was about to say something , but Bear Coat stopped him . He told the marshal that Ciihkoowu Nec was Clear Water , the daughter of Bent Hands . She had been the wife of Gray Horse , and was the best of the Arapaho . But she bore Gray Horse no children , and he hit her . He left the tribe in shame , but if Bent Hands were here , Gray Horse would follow him to the death . The marshal asked where the tribe of Bent Hands made fires , and Gray Horse told him Colorado . The marshal said Arapaho in Colorado lost many to great sickness and starvation . Gray Horse drank from his cup , and set it down . Then he asked Bear Coat to let him go to Colorado , to learn of his people . Bear Coat nodded , and said Gray Horse should travel fast , and learn of his people . Then he should return before the winter . Bear Coat said Gray Horse should take an extra horse It took him two weeks to reach the place he left in shame . He found nothing but the ashes of long dead fires . He rested the horses one day , and managed to shoot a rabbit . Then he set off toward the white man 's road . He saw cattle where there had been none . And from a great distance he saw lodges where he had ridden and hunted . But he saw no Arapaho . He knew there was a white man 's village along the road , but the Arapaho always avoided it . Those who went in did not return . Gray Horse stopped some distance from the new lodges . He trusted the marshal in Flagstaff , but he knew no other white men . Bent Hands made a point of keeping his tribe away from white men . Gray Horse decided to leave the road , and cut behind the buildings . Soon he was among cattle - more than he had ever seen . He saw riders too . Gray Horse stuck to his line , and ignored the riders . He rode down into a gully , and when he came up the other side , he was face to face with another rider . It took Gray Horse a moment to see that the rider was an Arapaho dressed in white man 's clothes . The man looked at Gray Horse , and then at his horse . Then he said ' Neniice ' Yeihowoonoox ' . Gray Horse should have recognized the rider , but he did not . The rider told Gray Horse that Bent Hands and Short Tree were gone . The rider told Gray Horse he was seen while he was still on the road . The rider said Gray Horse himself had taught the rider to watch his prey , and move ahead of it . Gray Horse nodded . This was Too ' ohuht , the short boy . Short told Gray Horse of the sickness and starving , of how Clear Water left the tribe to look for help , but did not come back . Soon only Short , his mother , and his father were left . Gray Horse was sad for the people , and his heart was heavy . Finally he asked , " Clear Water ? " Short said she lived with her husband Bela on a ranch . Bela was a white man . He and Clear Water were much in love . Together they had gathered Arapaho from miles around . Many children without parents they raised as their own . Short told Gray Horse Clear Water would tell him all that had happened . She did . They spent days talking . When they weren 't talking , they rode with Bela and the men . Gray Horse learned of another d ' Lon who was the brother of the marshal in Flagstaff . He met the man and the man 's wife who dressed in man clothes . When Gray Horse said he would have to return to the Cheyenne at Flagstaff , the man and his wife said they would travel with him to see the marshal . Clear Water did not want Gray Horse to leave , but she knew he had made a place for himself among the Cheyenne . She told him he was always welcome at Clear Water Ranch . And any Cheyenne who joined him , would be welcome too . Then Clear Water explained that the man and his wife would arrange for them to travel by train to Flagstaff . The trip would be three or four days . Even the horses would be on the train . Gray Horse thought these whites must be crazy . They took a yellow dog on the train . They got on the train at a cattle stop where the tracks bordered the east edge of Clear Water Ranch . For three days Gray Horse watched the white men and women . None of them would live a week in the mountain winter . But they outnumbered the Arapaho and Cheyenne . Their villages and homes were everywhere in the valleys and plains . Gray Horse knew his way would be gone when he was gone . He knew the Arapaho , and Cheyenne must accept the white man , and live as the white man lived . Clear Water was trying to keep the Arapaho together . It was the only way they would save their spirit . Gray Horse knew he must speak to Bear Coat and Long Step about this . My son Bela thinks this story is too long . He says he has heard it all before , many times , from his father who tells stories often . I think Bela would stop writing if Grandfather d ' Lon were not paying him to put the words down . Bela is a good son , but he has discovered the daughters of the tribe , and d ' Lon 's money lets him give them things . Bela just asked me if this story was supposed to be about Clear Water , and if it was , why was there so much of Gray Horse in it . My only answer is that the stories are stories of the people . And the people are all one . Bela , the story will end soon , and you will have to find another way to impress the daughters of the tribe . It will not be by your skill as a hunter . My son makes faces , and rolls his eyes , but he is a good son , and I know he will write all the words . Clear Water Ranch thrives . Winter is still hard for the riders , but the women and children are warm , and eat well . Gray Horse , and the Cheyennes did not thrive . White men pushed the Cheyenne away . Where Cheyenne fires once burned , now cattle chewed the grass . Most Cheyenne were pushed into reservations , but Bear Coat and his small tribe were allowed to stay near Flagstaff . Bear Coat said this was because the marshal and the deputy would not drive them away . In the middle of the second summer after Gray Horse returned , the marshal and a new deputy visited the camp . Bear Coat asked about Freign , and the marshal told him Freign was far east , and was married . The new deputy was young and not skilled in the ways of the mountains . They were tracking a white man who murdered his own wife and two other men . The white man was a trapper , and he would be hard to find . The marshal thought the man would not be found , but he asked Bear Coat for the help of a couple of men . Bear Coat looked at Gray Horse , and Gray Horse nodded . Then Bear Coat asked Gray Horse who would ride with him , and Gray Horse nodded to Long Step . The marshal said two weeks of searching were all he asked . After that the Arapaho would return whether they found the murderer or not . Gray Horse suggested sending out four or five Arapaho men at first light . Each would go in a different direction , at mid - day , they would return to the camp , and say what they found . Gray Horse said the riders should search north because Gray Horse saw the murderer pass that way . The marshal told the Arapaho they must not approach the man . They should only look for the start of his trail , and then come back to camp . At the end of the day , all the riders came back , and one said he found day old horse scat . One horse . The next morning the rider led them to the start of the trail . The rider was sent back to the camp to tell Bear Coat to keep watch . The murderer might turn back . The murderer 's trail got fresher each day . He was slowing , and getting careless . On the fourth day he lit a fire . The smoke was like a signal , even though it lasted only a short time . On the fifth day they could hear the sound of the murderer 's horse . Gray Horse signaled the men to stop . He went ahead alone on foot . The murderer was walking his horse in a stream . It was slow going . All streams were rocky . A man or horse must pick his way carefully . Gray Horse watched until the murderer was out of sight . He was sure the man would leave the stream soon , and build a fire to dry his boots . When Gray Horse returned , they decided to leave the horses . Gray Horse said the murderer was stupid . He wore boots , not moccasins , and he had only one pair . The boots would be wet for days . An Arapaho hunter wore moccasins , and carried an extra pair . The murderer would probably build another , bigger fire this time , to dry his boots . Gray Horse led the way forward . They heard the sound of the horse 's hooves on the stones - dry stones , since the sound was not muffled by running water . When the sound stopped , Gray Horse stopped . They waited , and soon heard the sounds of a man making camp . Gray Horse signaled to withdraw . When he felt they were out of earshot of the murderer , he stopped and relieved himself . Long Step did the same . It took the marshal , and the deputy a moment to realize what was happening . Then they did the same . Then Gray Horse looked at the marshal , and motioned that they should go forward , while Long Step and the deputy went in from the side . The marshal nodded . Gray Horse looked at Long Step , who nodded his understanding . Then Gray Horse whispered to Long Step to show the deputy how to be quiet . As they approached the murderer 's camp they could smell a fire . The murderer was confident that no one would follow him . They would expect him to flee south toward Mexico . The murderer was cutting branches , and throwing dead wood into the fire . The branches were for a shelter . He planned to stay here for a day , at least . Gray Horse and the marshal crept to where they could see the murderer . Gray Horse looked at the marshal , and nodded toward the murderer . The marshal nodded , but Gray Horse repeated the look , touched his forehead , and pointed to the murderer . The marshal nodded again . Gray Horse pursed his lips , and motioned to indicate it was the marshal 's move . The marshal yelled that he was here to arrest the murderer . The murderer turned with a hand gun in his hand . Gray Horse shot him once just below the neck . It took him a couple of minutes to die . Gray Horse asked the marshal if he wanted to stay here for the night , but the marshal said hell no , he wanted to leave that place . They tied the murderer 's body to his horse , and spread the murderer 's belongings on the other horses . Then they set out east . Since they were not worried about losing followers , they were able to reach the road shortly after sunset . There they took everything off the horses , and camped for the night . They took turns keeping watch , and feeding the fire . No one said anything during the night . They broke camp at dawn , and rode at an easy pace . The marshal said he thought they should ride until they reached the Cheyenne camp . Gray Horse agreed . He wanted to be rid of the murderer . Eventually there was some talk . Gray Horse said he never shot a man before , but this one killed his wife , and for that he deserved to die . The marshal agreed , and said he hadn 't expected the man to be taken alive . The marshal said people from Flagstaff rode out looking for the murderer , but they were sure he would run for Mexico . The marshal knew the man was a trapper , who knew the mountains . He would go to the place he knew . Gray Horse rode with Long Step for a while , and they talked . But they talked in Arapaho and Cheyenne . The marshal and the deputy talked their own talk . They reached the Cheyenne fires well into the night . The marshal said he would not bring the dead man into the night camp . He and the deputy would ride on . They were given fresh horses . Gray Horse didn 't know or care what the marshal would do next . He was surprised when the marshal brought back the loaned horses and the murderer 's horse . The marshal wanted to give the murderer 's horse to Gray Horse , but Gray Horse said no . The horse would go to Bear Coat , and Bear Coat would give it to the man who needed it most . Gray Horse said this was the way Bent Hands and Clear Water taught him , and it was a good way . There was much talk around the fires . Long Step told stories of the hunt . But when he was asked about it , Gray Horse said only that the murderer was stupid , and not one with the way of things . As summer cooled , Bear Coat asked Gray Horse if he would be the husband of Running Girl . Her parents approved it , and Bear Coat approved it . Gray Horse asked if Running Girl wished it , but he knew that if she did not wish it , Bear Coat would not have suggested the match . Bear Coat said that Gray Horse must ask Running Girl what she wanted , but it was not good for Gray Horse to be alone . Gray Horse asked Running Girl if she wanted him to be her man , and she said yes . He asked if she wanted only Gray Horse , and she said yes , if Gray Horse wanted only Running Girl . From that day they shared a tent . Running Girl is my mother . I have two brothers and two sisters . Gray Horse , Bear Coat , and Long Step had many quiet discussions . Finally they called council . The tribe was told Gray Horse and Long Step felt the tribe should move north , and join with the Arapaho . The tribe Gray Horse came from did not hunt . They raised cattle , and lived in solid lodges . They lived like the whites , but still held to their Arapaho beliefs and customs . Bear Coat said if they stayed where they were , soon the white men to push them out , until finally they would be forced to the reservation . Even their friend the marshal could not prevent this . Bear Coat said that just now , hearing himself , he decided he would go north , and join the Arapaho . Others could do as they wanted . Three young bucks said they would rather be on a reservation with Cheyenne , living like Cheyenne , than be on a ranch , living like white men . All the others agreed to follow Bear Coat . He told them he must send a message , to make sure they were still welcome , and if that was true , they would leave yet this summer . Nine men , six women , and four children set off on the road north from Flagstaff . They were met halfway by a group from Clear Water Ranch . Clear Water herself was in the first wagon . She greeted every Cheyenne . There were two wagons to carry things . Women and children rode in the third wagon . The Cheyenne men rode their horses , but didn 't stray from the wagons . Running Girl tells me Clear Water talked to her about Gray Horse , and they laughed much . Gray Horse tells me such talk is woman talk , not fit to pass down among the Arapaho , OR the Cheyenne . The flat hats came again , and built another lodge , this one to one edge of the ranch . Work was split among the lodges . Riders moved from lodge to lodge , following the work . I am the first of the Cheyenne children born on Clear Water Ranch . But I am also Arapaho . Clear Water was as much of a mother to me as was Running Girl . Clear Water never bore a child , and yet she is the mother of all the children on the ranch . The name of the ranch comes from her . I think this is the will of the Great Spirit . This story is finished for now . My son Bela can put down his pencil . Maybe when he needs money to impress the daughters of Clear Water Ranch , we will have other stories .

The thing about tragedies is that they can catch you by surprise . You get up in the morning and lazily eat breakfast as if you have all the time in the world . You pick out something to wear ( as if it mattered ) , and lackadaisically wander through the routine of a morning . You think your meaningless thoughts , none of them giving you any warning as to what 's about to come . All the while a tragedy , is secretly unfolding , sneaking up behind you , changing your life forever . My older brother Robert and I were extremely close . So close , even his wife was envious of our relationship . We could be in a crowd of friends , look across the room at each other , and nod , as if to say , " yeah … I get it , I am thinking the same thing as you . " As my psychiatrist , Dr . Teemis told me once , my brother and I had to keep close to each other just to survive our childhood . We remained close even after I had gotten married at sixteen and was pregnant with my first - born son and he was a world away , fighting for his country and his life in Vietnam . He was eighteen - years - old . I tried not to let my worry consume me , but I kept a good luck charm for him on a shelf in my living room . Some days I would take it off the shelf and hold it in my hands , hoping it was working its magic and keeping him safe . But fear still gathered in my stomach and buzzed in my ears when I thought of him there , alone , without me to watch over him . When he got back to the states , he had seen too much , done too much , to ever regain the innocence of youth . He self - medicated with drugs , and got kicked out of the Army with a " bad conduct " discharge after getting caught stealing pills out of the pharmacy at the Presidio . By the time he got back to Los Angeles , he was suffering from major depression and the after effects of malaria . I watched him sometimes , while he slept with his eyes open . I worried more about him now that he was home then I did when he was in Vietnam . Several years went by ; Robert had married and I had finally gotten away from Michael the Archangel . Both of us were suffering the horrible effects of our childhood and our own choices . His depression was as bad as my anxiety . He was living with my parents , and I was frantic , trying to get him help . I took him out to the Veteran 's Hospital , but he was turned away ( bad conduct discharge ) . I took him to the Los Angeles County Mental Health Department . Before we went for his appointment , I called and made sure they understood the problem in case he wasn 't exactly open about it . I told them that he had tried to kill himself by swallowing pills and that I was really worried about him . A week later , he left the appointment with a 30 - day supply of Elavil . ( His estranged widow later won a lawsuit involving this incident ) . " All morning long ? I 'll be right there , " I said . My legs turned to jelly . I got my boyfriend to drive me to the apartment , about five minutes from my place . I ran into the bedroom and shook him . " Robert , " I yelled . He was lying on his side with one arm over his head . He looked peaceful , as if he had just fallen asleep . When I shook him and yelled his name again , he grimaced , and the word " seizure " entered my mind for the first time . I ran into the living room and grabbed the phone . I called for a paramedics and waited for what seemed like a half hour . Once they got there , they took over . I waited in the living room with my mother and tried to listen to what was going on in the other room . My fear kept me frozen to the chair . I kept waiting for one of the paramedics to come out and tell me that he was sitting up and talking , but all I heard was the beeping of some machine they had taken into the room . " Seizing ! Seizing ! " I heard one paramedic shout . The two young paramedics burst out of the bedroom , and wheeled him quickly through the living room and out the door . He looked gray . One young paramedic attempted to reassure me as he passed by , but even he looked scared . By that time my father was home and we all jumped into his car and followed the ambulance to the hospital . As we got about halfway there , the paramedics suddenly pulled over and tried to wave us on . My father pulled up behind them and stopped anyway . I was sitting in the middle of the front seat , hanging on to the dashboard , unable to sit back into the seat . I could hear my heartbeat in my ears and my breath caught in my throat . One paramedic jumped out of the van and threw open the back doors . I watched as he frantically pumped on my brother 's chest . The other paramedic shut the doors behind him and jumped back in the driver 's seat , turning on lights and siren as he screeched away from the curb . Once at the hospital , I did not see Robert again . By the time we parked and got through the emergency room doors they had taken him away . We gathered together in the waiting room . No one said a word . Finally , a doctor came in and shook his head . " I 'm so sorry , " he said . For some reason , all I could think was that I had to call someone , a pastor who had been counseling both my brother and me for free through the Salvation Army . I had called him as soon as we arrived and asked him to pray . I stumbled over to the pay phone and placed my quarter in the slot at the top . I needed him . I needed him right that second . He answered on the first ring . " Wilber ? " I started . I heard myself start to scream . " No ! ! ! ! " I wailed . I screamed again . My knees buckled and the receiver flew out of my hand . A young woman , sitting by the pay phone , jumped up and ran out of the room . A doctor hurried in and told us it would be best if we went home . There would be nothing left for us to do there . We had to leave my brother in that cold , unfamiliar place , all alone . Robert . Robert Bruce Amthor : March 27 , 1950 - August 24 , 1975 . When I awoke from brain surgery on October 16 , 2006 , I could hear my breath twice for each one breath I drew . And it was loud , like the roaring of a waterfall . The first time I heard it , I was actually taking a breath . A couple of seconds later , I could hear it again … in between breaths . I thought , " that 's odd . " My optic , auditory , and facial nerves had been damaged in surgery and everything looked and seemed weird . For one thing , I saw two of everything , and each image seemed four feet apart and a little up to the left . The pupil of my left eye had moved over towards my nose . My perception made everything seem strange , and it would take several years before the feeling of everything being " off - kilter " would pass . ( If you are new to this blog , a good way to read it is to start with the very first post , " It Was A Dark And Stormy Night . " This is a memoir , the story of my life . If you are offended by expletives , you may want to skip this post . I do not use them to add shock value , but to just tell the story of what happened as honestly as I can ) . The terror was relentless . It punctuated every waking moment . On the worst days , I lay on the floor all day long , just attempting to breathe . My thoughts went pinging around my head like a highly polished steel ball in a pin - ball machine . I lost all ability to daydream , as I attempted to control each thought ; making sure one didn 't get away from me like a runaway semi - truck . There was no emergency ramp in sight , no way to put the breaks on going very quickly and completely insane . I didn 't understand what was happening , how I could suddenly lose myself so quickly , so easily . I had no name to pin on it . I knew no one who had ever experienced it . I felt alone in my madness . I went to my physician and he put me on Valium . He sent me to a psychiatrist , Dr . Teemis . Every two days I waited in Dr . Teemis ' waiting room until he called me in , holding the door to his private office as I walked through to the inner sanctum for those privileged enough to have gone crazy . Then he shut and locked the door , then shut and locked another door , which was right in front of the first one . I thought all psychiatrists must have double locking doors , although for the life of me I couldn 't figure out why this was so . I sat in a chair , as far away from Dr . Teemis as possible . Each visit began the same way . He 'd lean back in his black leather and chrome office chair and put his feet up on his desk . He folded his hands in his lap and stared at me from across the room . I would wait for him to speak , to take over , to offer a solution , some answers . But he almost never spoke first . Once in awhile , he broke the silence by asking a question , but he never seemed satisfied with my answers . He asked about my relationship with my parents , the alcoholism , the neglect , and traumatic events of the past . I left every session feeling worse about my life than I had when I was actually living it . There was no way I was going to talk to this guy about Michael the Archangel . Lunatics are similar to designated hitters . Often an entire family is crazy , but since an entire family can 't go into the hospital , one person is designated as crazy and goes inside . Then , depending on how the rest of the family is feeling that person is kept inside or snatched out , to prove something about the family 's mental health . " Dr . Teemis always asked what it was that I was really afraid of . I was afraid of being afraid for no apparent reason ! What 's not to get about that ? Didn 't he understand that one day I felt fine and then the next day I felt such horror and dread I thought I would die from it ? I believed Dr . Teemis had the key and was waiting until just the right moment to give it to me . I grew to rely on him to keep me sane enough , to keep me from ending up back in the state mental hospital . I didn 't think he liked me very much but he seemed resigned to see me week after week nonetheless . As the fear increased , my world narrowed . It became terrifying to drive a car . At first I just stayed in the right - hand lane so I could turn the corner and take the side streets back home if I had to . That worked for a while , as long as I didn 't have to get gas and sit there , waiting for the attendant to take the nozzle out of my gas tank . I was sure that one day I would panic and drive off , pulling the hose right out of the pump . Another day I panicked in line at the market , and I realized that even if I told myself over and over and over again that I could make it through just a few more minutes while the checker rang me up , the truth was , I couldn 't make it . My fear was that one of these days I was just going to start screaming at her and run out of the store without bothering to pay . I left a full cart of groceries in the middle of the store more than once , and drove quickly home , picturing the ice cream melting all over the floor before the cart was discovered and the food put back on the shelves . Shopping soon became a thing of the past . Depression piled itself on top of the fear , and suicide became an option . I thought about it all day , and then at night too , when I would wake in a sweat , my breathing shallow , and my heart racing . The thick wool blanket that felt like the top of my head got heavier by the month . Soon , I spent most of my days in bed , just trying to make it through the next five minutes . I would watch the clock as the minute hand ticked on , and felt good about making it through another day without dialing the number that would bring the paramedics to my door . During one of our sessions , I began to talk to Dr . Teemis about how these crazy feelings were affecting how I felt physically as well . At times I was sure I was having a heart attack . I ended up in the emergency room at least twice a month , positive I was close to death . I explained how during the week before , my left leg had felt numb . Dr . Teemis explained how being a psychiatrist meant that he had medical training as well , and he asked me to lay down on the couch while he checked my femoral artery . He pulled down my pants and pressed his fingers on the artery , close to my crotch . He stared into my face , attempting to gauge my reaction . I went stiff and silent . Disgusted , he pulled my pants up and told me to have it checked by my own doctor the next time I went . I worried about that femoral artery . I was sure it was clogged and I was about to stroke out . That look on Dr . Teemis ' face was proof something was wrong ! Who cares that most twenty - three year old young women don 't have strokes ? Maybe it was the years of drug abuse . Maybe it was the blows I took to my face and head at the hands of Michael the Archangel . I had to do what Dr . Teemis told me to do and ask my own doctor right away . " What did he tell you ? " Dr . Hutchinson asked . I noted the tone of his voice but chose to ignore it . I repeated the conversation I had with Dr . Teemis and how he felt my artery with his fingers and told me to have it checked . Dr . Hutchinson paused , watching my face , then quickly looked away and began writing in my chart . " Nothing is wrong with your femoral artery , " he said . He sounded irritated or impatient . I couldn 't tell and I didn 't understand . Certain thoughts ran through my mind but I couldn 't let them land . After all , if there was something wrong with my psychiatrist , then I was done . There was no one else who could help me . Months went by , and I continued to deteriorate . I believed my visits with Dr . Teemis were the thin thread keeping me hanging on to reality . I sat in his waiting room , two or three times a week , trying to make it through the ordeal of being out , away from the one place I felt somewhat safe ; my bed at home . One day his receptionist sat behind the tall counter and chatted away on the phone . It sounded like a personal call , but I didn 't care . Where was Dr . Teemis ? Thoughts of suicide had overloaded my brain that week , and I did not think I could live through another day without a session . I waited for 45 minutes and finally got up the courage to interrupt her and ask where he was . She covered the mouthpiece with her hand . " I 'll try giving him a call . " She hung up the phone and dialed another number . I heard her ask someone if he was there , and a few moments later she said , " Linda is here to see you . She 's been here for quite awhile . " She hung up the phone without another word and told me he 'd be there in a few minutes . She quickly redialed to continue her own call . Another fifteen minutes passed and suddenly the door to his private office opened . I sighed and smiled as he asked me to come in . As soon as I entered the room I smelled the alcohol . He loosely waved his arm at me , gesturing at me impatiently . He seemed angry . He leaned back in his chair and it tilted back a little too far , forcing him to grab the edge of his desk for support . He swung his feet up on the edge of the desk and laced his fingers behind his head . " How 's the fucking ? " he asked . My stomach lurched and I stared down at the floor , unable to speak . " How 's the fucking ? " he repeated , more forcefully . His tongue tripped over the words and it sounded like he had too much saliva in his mouth . " What do you mean you don 't know ? " He sneered and I looked towards the double locking doors . " Well , I don 't really feel like it much right now , " I offered . We both grew silent . Dr . Teemis can 't help me , I thought . I was at the bottom of the pit now . There was no deeper , darker place to go . But unfortunately I was wrong about that . I had stepped off the edge and was in a free fall . But I was just bouncing off of ledges . The bottom was there , and eventually I would hit . And when I did , I would lay there for a long while , stunned , and unable to move . A year passed , and we were still living with the guy I met at work … the one who rescued me from Michael the Archangel . We just sort of settled in , pretending to be a family . Except for flinching every time he tried to put his arm around me , I thought I was doing fairly well , considering . Then , as fate would have it , I got invited to a Tupperware party . I really disliked Tupperware parties . Oh , I loved all the little squares and rounds with their matching , color - coordinated lids . I just disliked the parties . I always felt guilty when the hostess looked me in the eye and told me how many points my friend would get if I would just host a party of my own . I also hated the drive home , thinking about what a disaster my kitchen cupboards were , and how , if I only had a spare $ 327 , I could reorganize my entire food supply . Weaving my way in and out of the typical Los Angeles area work traffic , I checked my watch . I hoped my friend Theresa would already be there when I arrived . I knew that she would be the only person I knew at the party . What I didn 't know was that after this particular Tupperware party , it would be years before I would go anywhere alone again . The music I usually enjoyed blaring from the car radio was starting to get on my nerves , so I flipped it off . The normal traffic noise seemed louder than usual . I checked to see if my windows were up . I began thinking of all the excuses I could use to leave the party early . My husband is ill . I 'm not feeling so great myself . I need to help my son with his kindergarten homework . Our pet pig got stuck in the dishwasher . The women were clustered in little groups of two or three . Theresa was nowhere to be found , and no one made a move to try to include me in their conversations . I felt invisible , and alone . I got up and looked out the window . Where was Theresa ? What 's wrong with me tonight , anyway ? I began to imagine myself flippantly tossing out one of my excuses and casually walking across the floor , picking up my coat and purse , and heading out the door . " Ta - ta ! Hope to see you gals again soon ! " Instead I felt glued to the chair . I was positive that every one in that room would know I was lying and give me a silent glare . I finally got up the courage and mentioned to a woman sitting next to me that I had to go , grabbed my coat and purse , and almost flew out the front door . As I got into my car , I started to feel as if I couldn 't breathe . My thoughts raced through my brain so fast it seemed as if I was interrupting myself . My palms were slippery on the steering wheel . I pictured myself passing out . The traffic on Hawthorne Boulevard had gotten worse . With each red light the feelings became more intense . My arms and chest began to feel numb . I wondered if I was having a heart attack , at twenty - three - years old . The urge to jump out of the car and run down the street screaming for help was so strong that looking back , I don 't know how I kept from it . I managed to make it home and got into bed , pulling the covers over my head . My breathing slowed , and eventually I got to sleep . The next morning , I hit the snooze button on the alarm clock and lay in bed for a few moments , trying to get my bearings . I had a vague feeling of unease . Did I have a bad dream ? No . Is something wrong with one of the kids ? No . Oh yeah , last night ! With that thought came the memory of the nightmarish rush home from the party . As I replayed it all in my mind , my breath began to accelerate . Then my hands went numb . I froze . I had walked too close to the edge one too many times . This time , there was no regaining my footing . This is a blog post about how I dealt with the suicides of both my brother and my father . These events will be coming up soon in " Light at the End . " Stay tuned … Tagsabuse , fear , relationship , running away , slitting wrist Michael the Archangel and I had finally found our way back to Los Angeles . His mother had allowed us to temporarily move in with her . She already shared the three - bedroom bungalow with her elderly mother , who had lost a leg lifting a car off of a six - year - old girl . We were supposedly saving money for our own place . I had a different plan in mind . I just hadn 't figured out how I was going to pull it off . The next time I felt Michael 's fury , the blow to my face was so loud it woke his mother out of a deep sleep . She flew into our room , screaming for her son to get out of the house . Instead , he dashed into the bathroom and ran a razor blade over wrists already scarred from previous attempts . Somehow his mother kept him in the bathroom so he wouldn 't bleed all over the house , but neither one of us made an attempt to call for help . We just stared at each other , as if daring each other to make a move to the phone . Finally , his mother made the call and an ambulance arrived . This time Michael landed himself in a facility for a three - day evaluation , but as always , he convinced the docs he was ready to face the world again . Looking pale and haunted with his wrists bandaged up , he attempted to gain my sympathy . He related how the EMT told him that if he really wanted to end it , he would need to slice vertically up his wrist , and not waste his time marking up his arm side to side . Information offered too late . For the next several weeks I hid out , not wanting anyone to see my face in public . As soon as my eye was almost back to normal , I applied for a job where Michael 's mother worked . Garrett AiResearch manufactured and sold turbochargers to the military , so to even get into the plant I had to drive up to the guard shack and show my photo I . D . badge . Once in the building , I felt safe . Michael the Archangel would not be allowed in . But my children were not there with me . So I waited and then made my move . I was hardly ever left alone , but one day Michael decided he could trust me long enough to take my car to the repair shop . He 'd hitch back , so I figured I had about 45 minutes . I carefully pulled the curtain aside and watched as he backed out of the driveway . I waited about one minute and then ran into the kitchen and pulled a large green garbage bag out of the cabinet . Scarcely breathing , I pulled socks , underwear , pants and shirts for my son , diapers for the baby , bottles , a couple of toys , and tossed them without looking into the bag . I threw the bag into my son 's Little Red Wagon and pulled the baby up onto my hip . " Come on ! " I told my four - year - old . " Follow Mommy ! " " Hurry ! " My son didn 't even question me . It was as if he knew exactly what we needed to do . The three of us raced out of the house , with Michael 's grandmother helpless in her recliner , yelling at us to stop . I walked as fast as I could and still keep us all together . We went around the corner , up a few blocks , down a street , up another block , zig zagging away so as not to be found easily . I was petrified , sure that if Michael found us I would be killed . I knocked on a door in the middle of a block . A middle - aged woman answered the door . She took one look at us ; me at eighty - two pounds , long , stringy brown hair , shaking like a leaf ; my son , a look of bewilderment on his face . And then there was the baby in my arms . " Could I use your phone to call a taxi ? " I said . She hesitated , folding her arms . Surely she 's not going to say no ! I almost began to scream , " Let me in your house ! ! " " Please ! " She let us in and with fumbling , shaking fingers I looked up the number and made the call . She asked us to wait on the porch , exposed . I saw her watch me out the window . Thoughts of being killed in front of my kids raced through my mind but I felt trapped , cemented to the spot . If I left the taxi would not pick us up . The driver looked incredulous as he lifted the red wagon and the garbage bag into the trunk of the cab . I wondered if he was going to call the police on me , as if I were some fugitive from justice . I gave him the address of a guy I had met at work . He had stopped me in the lunchroom one day and asked me what was wrong with me . Why was I so thin ? Why did I shake ? I unburdened myself and he offered to help . I was sure he didn 't really expect me to take him up on it and show up on his doorstep , but I gave the driver his address anyway . It was our only chance . I felt myself begin to breathe again as we drove away , and I melted into the back of the seat . I didn 't stop shaking for weeks . I never saw Michael the Archangel again … ever . I never showed up for another day at Garrett AiResearch , and within a week we were living miles away in another city . I heard years later that Michael had died of an overdose in a fleabag hotel in San Francisco . As for me , I made it for another year before I really began to unravel , before I began to lose myself completely . It was finally safe to let go . I will be interviewed on the radio Thursday , October 4 , 2012 , at around 11 : 45 a . m . PST . The show is Lucinda Bassett 's new radio show , " Truth Be Told " . She will be interviewing me about how I was affected by the suicides of my brother and father and my experience with agoraphobia . You can tune in live at http : / / www . latalklive . com or watch it back on Youtube . Please post any comments or questions after the show and I 'll write back !

So I 'm female , late thirties and I 'm a travel counselor for a large tour company . We are pretty well known so I 'm not going to be dropping any names for anonymity sake . That being said what occurred here is 100 % for real , and yes I know everyone claims that on here but you 'll just have to take my word . So as a travel counselor ( fancy schmancy way of saying travel agent ) I book many cruises , both my company and the many cruise lines offer us in the industry what 's known as a fam trip , to familiarize us with what the cruise line offers . So I was approached two weeks before the holidays with the chance to take such a trip on a four night cruise to the Baja peninsula , it left the day after Christmas . Since my husband had a big guys trip with his BFF lined up I thought perfect ! My in laws have been begging us to watch our seven year old daughter so she went to grandmas and I went on a free cruise . What could go wrong ? A little sand , surf , sun and while it 's winter 66 degree days are much warmer than the teens and below zeros we have up north . The flight was perfect , the embarking went as smooth as butter . The lovely balcony room I was put on was wonderful , so far so good right ? That night I 'm at dinner and a Indian man sits next to me , now this struck me as odd as there were several empty seats available . He strikes up conversation , introduces himself and says he 's traveling with his elderly parents , sister and her family . He 's 26 , works in communications and attended college in London . He seems nice , we have a lovely conversation and I throw in their that I 'm happily married , have a child , etc . Finally his family arrives to eat and we part ways , I figure I 'll never see him again . The next day I get off at our port , I signed up for a Segway tour and who do I see in line my new friend and his father and I assume his oldest nephew . He of course waves at me , and we make simple chit chat before starting our tour . After the tour there was the opportunity to walk around . I go back to the ship change into my bathing suit and go lay out on the deck , it 's a perfect seventy two degree day and my skin loved the vitamin D , I order a drink and put in my wireless headphones . I 'm dozing when I feel hands roughly shake me , I jolt sitting straight up . It 's my " friend " although he 's frowning , staring at me disproving , he angrily tells me I 'm not allowed to show off my body and that I 'm disrespecting him and his religion by acting like a slut . By now I have two cruise employees I 'm friends with ( I have taken many cruises and get to know the employees ) who hear the commotion and are telling him he needs to leave me alone . Never mind I 'm embarrassed , I tell him I 'm a married woman , and what I do isn 't any of his concern . As he stomps off , he informs me if I was his woman I 'd be sorry . That night after a few martinis at the piano bar I settle in my room for the night after talking with my hubby through Facebook messenger . I 'm about to doze when my door starts shaking , it sounds as if someone is violently running into my door . I throw a robe on and look out the peep hole . It 's the Indian guy , he looks crazed . It was formal night so he 's in formal wear , hair mused , red faced screaming profanities at me . Luckily the guy across the hall a pretty big guy opens his door and tells the creep to get the hell out of the hall before his kids were waken up . Indian guy gives one last profanity and then leaves . When I was 21 I transferred to a college in San Francisco . I checked out a room for rent on Craigslist . It was in a really nice two bedroom apartment . It was cheap rent and close to campus , so it was the ideal spot . The girl who lived there was 29 and her name was Beth . She was tall and wide , and she had jet black hair and wore pale makeup . She seemed nice , although a little quiet . But she seemed to like me , and agreed to let me move in . So far , so good . My first night there we went out for pizza , and that 's when I could tell that something was a little bit off with her . Throughout dinner she kept telling me how much I look like Shia LaBeouf . I didn 't know what to say , so I just shrugged it off with a - Thanks ? I mean , I look nothing like Shia LaBeouf , so it just didn 't make any sense to me . When we got back home she asked if I had seen her room yet . I said no , and so she took me to see it . Her walls were covered in posters of Shia LaBeouf . She even had printed out photos of him all over her mirror . She owned all his movies . I didn 't know what to make of it . It was creepy . The whole night she had been saying I look like him , and now it 's obvious to me that she 's obsessed with the guy . A few weeks passed , and I never really saw her that much . We didn 't spend any time together really . She would come home from work and practically run to her room . She would spend the whole night in there . She had this creepy high pitched giggle , and I would hear her giggling through the walls all night . I wondered what the hell she could possibly be doing . Occasionally she would come out and talk for like 2 minutes , and she would always be slurring her words - so I suspected she was drinking a lot . Sometimes she wouldn 't say anything and she would just stand in the hallway and watch me in the living room . I would turn and see her and be surprised and say " hello beth " and then there would be this long awkward pause and she would give out her creepy high pitched giggle . It was uncomfortable being around her . She gave me the chills . One night I woke up at around 2am because I heard what sounded like the front door being unlocked . I came out of my bedroom , and all the lights were off , but I could still see Beth standing at the front door . She had her face against it , and she was turning the lock back and forth over and over again . And every time she turned the bolt she mumbled my name ! ! ! " Max Barker … . Max Barker … Max Barker … " . Seeing her standing in the dark , and mumbling my name , really freaked me out . And it doesn 't help that she kinda looks like a bigger version of the girl from The Ring . I just quietly went back to my room and tried to sleep . One night I was watching Gladiator and she stumbled out of her room and turned on the living room light , forcing me to pause the movie - which was annoying . She then asked me if I wanted to hear about her ex - boyfriend . It was an uneasy segue into the topic , but I just said sure and then awkwardly sat back to listen to her . Ten minutes into her story and she was so riled up . She was screaming at the top of her lungs about their breakup . I was worried that the neighbors were going to call the cops - and she wasn 't listening to me when I was asking her to lower the volume . Amidst all of her screaming , one thing she said really freaked me out - she was in such a fit and yelled : I 'll slit his fucking throat . That was a big game changer . Suddenly I had no idea what this girl was capable of . She was practically a stranger , and everything I had seen was becoming alarmingly disturbing . After a few more minutes she told me thanks for listening and she startled doing her giggle . I got out of there pretty fast , and went to my room to go to sleep . I had a pretty unsettled feeling about being in the house with her , and what 's worse is that there was no lock on my bedroom door . I pushed the edge of my dresser in front of it , to act as a little barricade . I woke up in the middle of the night to the sound of my dresser scraping against the floor . Beth was pushing the door open ! I turned on my light - shouting at her to stop . I could see her through the opening of the door . She was so drunk , and had this insane look in her eyes . The next morning when I went out into the hallway my heart dropped . I saw one of her steak knives was on the floor by my door . I got goosebumps all over my arms . All I could think about was her saying she would slit that guy 's throat . I confronted her about it , and she said she didn 't remember trying to push my door open . She said she didn 't even remember telling me about her ex . I had enough . My lease was month - to - month , so I found a new spot and moved out . About a month after I moved out she contacted me . I was at the movies , and my phone was off . When I got out I turned my phone on - and to my shock I received in 40 + text messages that she had sent me over the past two hours . They were all just insane texts that ranged from everything between " Hi how are you ? " to " I fucking hate you ! " . It was insane . I didn 't respond , and I never heard from her again . At the age of around 6 / 7 , I lived next door to an old ( 60 or so ) year old man named Keith . He would often go running around the streets as he was very fit for his age . At the time , I lived with my grandmother , she was friends with him and would often invite him round for a cup of tea and to gossip . Things were fine for a little while , until one day , I looked out of my window in my bedroom , from my window I could see clearly into his garden . He was laying on a deck chair masturbating , as I was a child , I didn 't understand , of course . I assumed he didn 't know I was there . The next day , I went to open the curtains in the morning and saw him , doing the same , again . He looked up at me and smiled , then carried on . Soon after it was my birthday , my nan invited him round to my party as most of our neighbours had been invited too . I was alone in the kitchen getting a glass of water when I heard the kitchen door open and saw him walk in , he was wearing gold cycling shorts which very clearly showed off everything . At the time , I thought it was just a fashion choice but now I see that he wanted people to look . He said to me " If you were my daughter I would never let you leave the house looking so sexy . Thank you for keeping our secret . " I don 't remember my exact answer but it was something along the lines of " sexy is a bad word . " He started to pull down his shorts and I panicked and called my nan , she rushed in to see him standing over me , quickly pulling his shorts up and with an erection . Thankfully I never saw him masturbating after this . My nan called the police and he got a warning . In my opinion this wasn 't enough for what he did . I lived next door to him for another 6 years . A few weeks ago I was moving some stuff around in my room and accidentally broke the glass on my window . It was a small crack , and didn 't fully break , but it was enough that cold air and condensation were getting in and making my window ice up . So i threw a space heater in my room to try warming the place up . Now , we have an old house and if we have two heaters on at the same time the fuses blow and shuts off power to the back side of the house . The other night got particularly cold so I plugged in the heater to the outlet closest to my bed . This outlet was controlled by the light switch so when I turn on the switch the heater goes on . ( its one of those ones with dials not power buttons ) When it got time for bed my room was sufficiently warm so i turned out my heater . I told my parents my room was warm enough so they put their heater on for the night . Fast forward to about 2 AM and I hear some noise in my brothers room . I think nothing of it and just shake it off . I just laid there and the noise had stopped so I lay back down and try to fall asleep . Then I started hearing noises in the kitchen , which was odd as nobody would be rummaging through the kitchen drawers at this time of night . I start to get a little worried and check my phone - I see a snap from my brother from about 1AM and he was out getting wasted with friends , so I calm down and think he just got an uber . I was wide awake at this point so I checked my texts and email , and got back on snapchat . This is when I really started freaking out . On the stories , there was my brother , posted 13 minutes ago at a buddies house who lived more than 20 miles away . It wasn 't him in the house . Reading too many LNM stories I had put an old broken hockey stick in my room in case of emergencies . Not the best weapon but it 's what I got . So i quietly get out of bed to turn on the light to find it . I had forgotten my heater was plugged in so as soon as I flipped the switch the light went out . But so did the rest of the power . It also just so happens that on that end of the house is where our CO detector is , and when power is cut it beeps . LOUD . Whatever the case was this startled whoever was in my house and the kitchen door opened quickly . I woke up my parents and let them know what happened . Once we got power on we noticed my brothers bedroom window was wide open . We saw footprints beneath my window , but thankfully the ice had frozen the window shut from the outside . Whoever was in my house climbed into my brothers room , and was rummaging around the house . The bags left over under the Christmas tree had been torn through and all the kitchen drawers were open . We contacted the police who took down the information and said this kind of behavior is normal around holidays . People find empty houses and look for gifts / cash things of that sort . I don 't know what would have happened if I had come face to face with this guy . If my phone rang , I expected to hear a far - away family member or my long - distance boyfriend - still in college . This was a landline ; no cellphones yet . Despite being very alone , I was managing well with the excitement of all the new things in my life . I had only lived there about 2 weeks when the unwanted calls started . The first call : A man 's friendly voice asked what I was doing . I couldn 't place him , and thought maybe it was one of my cousins or uncles . ( I have a huge extended family . ) I ask his name ; he laughs a little , and his tone gets dark , a bit angry . He says , " You know exactly who this is , Darlin ' . " I pause , deciding if this guy simply called the wrong number or is a creep . I choose the former , laugh , and politely tell him he has the wrong number . He then recites my brand - new unlisted / unpublished phone number AND my name . WTF ? ! An intense chill races through me . I 've only given my new number to my parents , sister , boyfriend , apartment manager , and employer . I 'm new to this city and this lovely southern state . He does NOT like it when I tell him he called the wrong number , and starts yelling at me , then tells me in a much calmer voice the many vulgar things he 's going to do to me . I hang up and brush it off . He calls again around 1 : 00 AM ; I tell him to f * * himself and hang up . He keeps calling , so I unplug the phone and return to sleep . As I listened to his words , I was standing in my kitchen looking at the calendar taped to the fridge . It had " Mari " written in pink on the 17th with a heart around it , because Mari is my sister and the 17th is her birthday . I started shaking and crying , because suddenly I realized this creep has been in my apartment ! I was alone , with no friends or family to run to for the night . It was me versus a creepy mystery man . I didn 't sleep much that night . Early the next morning , I talk to the apartment complex manager before heading to work , telling her what happened and that I want the locks changed that day . She gets a weird look on her face , and after a long pause , says SHE KNOWS WHO HAS BEEN IN MY APARTMENT , and that " it won 't happen again . " WHAAAT ? ? ? Only after thinking about it years later did I realize that her weird expression likely meant that it had happened before . Plus , she didn 't even fire him . I regret not calling the cops ; I was young and naive . I am sometimes too nice to my friends . I tend to do favors for my friends even if they seem pretty ridiculous as long as it 's not terribly out of my way . Most of the time it 's " halp I 'm drunk and need a ride home . " Well one night at like 1 : 30AM I get the call , a very very drunk friend of mine , Claire , is begging me to come pick her up and give her a ride home soon , the bar is closing soon and she 's too drunk to drive home . The bar she is at isn 't too far from my house , about a 10 - 15 minute drive , but the issue is that she lives like 35 - 45 minutes on the other side of town . Claire has been extremely nice to me in the past and I did owe her a solid so at about 10 to 2 , I grab my keys , and my concealed carry , and leave the house . I get out of the car and start walking to Claire who is kinda slumped over . I was hoping she wasn 't passed out drunk , and when I got to her , the doorman asked me if I was her ride , lmnthrowaway222 . I told him yes , showed my ID for proof , and what he said next was of some concern . He kind of pulls me in and says ( I 'll leave out where I interjected , and just write what he said ) , " Hey , I was supposed to leave when we closed but I have a strong feeling your friend was roofied . She 's been on the porch drinking all night and some guy kept hovering around her . I assumed it was a boyfriend or whatever but she never turned to talk to the guy . She was either drinking or chatting with other girls around her . Well anyways , she chugged her last drink , came up to me and told me you would be coming to pick her up , and she asked me if she could sit by me , she told me she felt very dizzy and sick . I told her ' sure ' hoping she just drank too much and she passed out right after she sat down . After that I couldn 't see that guy anymore but I didn 't want to take any chances . " So visibly concerned , I thanked the guy profusely . And he even helps me carry Claire to my car . Mid way to carrying her , she 's kind of coming to , like someone just waking up after a surgery . That really groggy , not knowing where they are , talking of nonsense kind of talking . I don 't remember exactly what she was talking about , but I 'm sure if I wasn 't on high alert about her possibly being drugged , it was some funny shit . So we get her buckled in , I thank the guy again and he just says he hopes she gets home safe . So now , hoping my friend is only stupid drunk and not drugged , I start driving to her house . The whole time I 'm trying to keep an eye on her , and an eye on the road . She 's now snoring asleep , which puts me at ease a bit . But , about half way to her house , my fuel light comes on . Cursing the fuel economy of a sports car , I pull into the next gas station . It 's one of those small gas stations that doesn 't have 24 hour store . So I 'm on extra high alert while I start to pump gas . The Gas Station is about a block from the freeway , and right at the corner of the intersection . The street itself is pretty dark , with lonely lamp posts shining very pitiful lights at large intervals . I get that really dead feeling , like this place is just abandoned . I drive a corvette so the filler is on the rear end of the car , and I 'm leaning against the rear looking around . To me left I hear this weird metallic scraping sound . So I turn and see this guy , about 15 - 20 feet from me , come around the corner dragging a long metal pipe on the ground . Now he turns to look at me and he 's got blood in his eyes . Before he begins to take a step though , I start yelling , hoping it 'll get him to back off . I 'm a little over 6 feet tall and not exactly skinny , but not exactly bulky either , but I have a really deep voice . " BACK THE FUCK OFF , YOU DON ' T HAVE TO DIE ! " I start yelling louder . Pretty sure my voice cracked because A . I 'm scared shitless . No amount of self defense classes and time at the range prepares you emotionally for this kind of situation . B . Even though I carry , I 'm really against violence and killing someone is not something I want to do . C . Did I mention I 'm fucking scared ? Anyway , in a panic the fucker throws the pipe at me . It whizzes by ( thankfully not towards my car but to my right ) and I dive behind my car for cover ( I have no idea if he has a gun himself or what , but I was going to put some kind of cover between me and him ) and by the time I kneel up and aim over the rear of my car , he 's booked it . I hear a car door slam and tires screech , and he launches off the curb on the ' East ' side of the lot and is tearing down the road , swaying all over the place . In a my own panicked hurry , I pull the pump out of the car , screw the cap on , and tear out of there myself . Claire , however is still passed out in my car , and now I 'm afraid because I 'm convinced she 'd been drugged and we were followed by that guy . Me being more concerned about her earlier and keeping on the road , I must not have noticed being followed . When I was satisfied thinking I wasn 't being followed anymore I pulled up to her house and tried to shake her awake . She 's doing that groggy waking up stuff from before , but now she 's able to get up . I 'm able to walk her ( thankfully , I was worried I was going to have to call an ambulance if she didn 't wake up ) and I get her keys from her bag . I managed to walk her inside , and this point she 's kind of coming around , asking me what 's going on , where she is , etc . I tell her she 's home and get her to lie down . She 's completely lost looking , and her eyes start welling up . She clings to me and starts sobbing , she 's still very out of it but I 'm guessing she realizes something bad was going on or attempted on her . I still shudder to think what might have happened had I not had my CCW with me . I do know martial arts , but that 's not something I want to take against a crazy person with a pipe . Claire still doesn 't remember much from the night except calling me and wanting to sit next to the doorman . For reference , I am a 20 year old Hooters girl and encounter creepy guys all the time but never likes this . I occasionally get asked for my number and to go on dates by older men but always politely turn them down without really upsetting anyone . ( Anyone who says anything perverted or uncomfortable gets kicked out by the way so thats a rare occurrence . ) I was working the night shift the other night and had a forty something year old man sit at my table by himself . I greeted him the same way I greet all customers ; lots of smiling , laugh at their jokes , ask about his / her day etc . He was really irritated and didn 't seem to want to talk to me at all , so I assumed he was there to eat and go without all the chatting customers expect from the waitresses . I offered a box and dessert at the end of his meal , but he just paid and got up to leave . When I brought back his change , he grabbed my arm and pulled me close and said " I want you so badly , " before letting go and walking out the door . I was so uncomfortable that I just stood there until he left . This was around 8 p . m . , so I told the other girls then got over it . We close at midnight on weekdays so by the time I was ready to go , it was about 1 : 30a . m . I carry a stun gun in my bag and normally have someone walk me to my car , but it was so late that nearly everyone had already left and those that were still there were busy trying to clean up so they could leave . I had parked right in front of the doors leaving my car only five feet away , so I decided to quickly get in my car without being walked . I always lock my doors out of habit and went to check my phone which was dead . I have one of those crappy chargers in my car that only charge at a certain angle and was trying to get my phone to charge when a truck pulled up behind me blocking me in . I couldn 't pull forward because the restaurant was in front of me , and I couldn 't back up because of this truck . At first I thought it was my roommate who will sometimes come check on me if I get home too late to make sure I 'm okay . It was a silver truck which is what my roommate drives , but when I turned to look at it , it was a different model which made my heart sink . This person then proceeded to honk their horn at me over and over for a good five minutes trying to get me out of my car . When I refused because momma didn 't raise an idiot , he pulled up next to me , started knocking on my window and yelled at me to get out of my car . It was the same guy that was at my table five hours earlier . My phone wouldn 't turn on , so I switched into reverse and fast and furioused my way out of the parking lot . He started following me with his truck , so I ran a red light and started speeding . He stopped at the light , and I drove for a bit before going home in case he caught up and tried following me to my house . I was always a very introverted girl , And all of my close friends were over the internet . And I was dating ( and still am ) a lovely young man from Scotland . I lived in the South of a England at the time , and after 5 months of dating ldr I 'd finally get to meet him in person . I knew he was a legitimate person , but being the anxious ball of nerves I am , I made sure to do it in a very public place . He was exactly who I knew him as , and was not the one who tried to kidnap me on that day . He had to catch the train back to London where he was staying late that evening , and I , knowing the area like the back of my hand and having walked around it thousands of times before at much younger ages , walked HIM back to the train station , and said my very tearful goodbyes to the boy I loved . I left , crying , not knowing when I 'd see him again , and made my way toward the bus stop that 'd take me home . That was , until a very tall Indian man ( About 6 ″ , Roughly in his 40s ) came up to me as I was crossing the street , and hugged me . Now , I was beside myself with sorrow at my love 's departure , and the hug made me cry even more , despite all the red flags going off in my head . People in this area had been known to be quite friendly , even with strangers , and I just had to pray he was one of them . He took my hands and held my wrists so I could not walk away . I began to panic at this point , too weak to break the mans hold on me , too choked up to call for help . He asked me what was wrong and told me " A sweetheart like you shouldn 't be on the streets crying . Come with me , I can make it all better . " I immediately declined , saying that I had just had to say goodbye to my boyfriend ( big mistake to tell the man I was definitely alone , I know now . ) and that I just wanted to go home . He wouldn 't let go of my wrists after that , and tightened his grip to a painful amount . He told me he would give me things that would make me feel better , and that I needed to come with him . I continuously declined , praying someone would walk down that street ( usually very busy , but not at 8pm when the shops in that area are all closed . ) and to my luck , nobody did . The man eventually started demanding that I give him a kiss and he 'd let me go . Keep in mind , I had only just had my first kiss with the boy I loved earlier that day … and now I was being made to kiss this disgusting man , or else who knows what would 've happened to me . I did , as much as I hated it with every bone in my body , and he did let me go , to my surprise . I hurried away from him and ran as fast as I could to the bus stop , immediately calling my boyfriend and telling him what happened . He still beats himself up to this day about it , saying he should 've made sure I got home safe first . I always tell him there was no way he could 've known that would happen , and having walked that route so many times in the past I didn 't think that something like that would ever happen to me . It still troubles me to this day , and I 'm still very nervous going anywhere alone . Granted , I use the event as a comedic point towards the common statement " Never meet strangers off the internet . " But the whole ordeal definitely makes me very uncomfortable still . So , about four years ago my husband and I decided to do some work on out house . The first thing we decided to do was fix our front steps . We had worked on them all day and as it go dark we sat up some shop lights and went inside to eat dinner . My sister , her husband , and my baby niece were all living with us at thee time . We ate dinner and myself and my brother in law stepped out on the porch to smoke . The neighbors across from us ( we live in a very rural area on a mountain ) were on vacation . We see this car pull up at their house and just sit there for a while . The car only had one head light which I noticed right away . After a few minutes and nobody getting out the pulled out and left . I asked if he remembered their name or even some of the directions . He says they said to turn RIGHT off of the exit , which we live left of the exit . I told him this and he says . . maybe it said left . Ok , maybe so . So I asked what the vehicle looks like , he says he don 't know . Meanwhile his wife is telling me about her house which is in the same twon as the motel they are staying in . She is telling me all about it which makes me wonder why they are staying in a motel so I asked . She looks at me weird and says they aren 't staying anywhere but home . As she is talking I see someone in the car light a lighter and see two more people in the car . At this point nothing they say makes any sense and she is high as hell . She keeps glancing into my sunroom when she thinks nobody is looking at her . After a few minutes my husband walks outside with his pistol in his hand and asked if he could help them . When they see this the ones in the car open the door and yell at these two to come on . They say thanks and walk really fast back to the car . For the next hour we watch them drive back and forth up and down the road . A few days after this our neighbors house was broken into and a few things were stolen . A pistol being one . I have to wonder if they were casing my house and maybe thought it was just me and my brother in law here . I haven 't seen the car since then and hope I don 't again . I told the police about them and they said they would check it out but nothing ever came of it .

Dad has Alzheimer 's Posted on 06 / 18 / 2017 by Andy and Peggy This has been a hard post to write . I thought about different ways to tell it . I even thought I would not mention it and write about our latest remodeling or landscaping project . But I couldn 't do that . I couldn 't let Father 's Day go by without writing about my dad . Having a father with Alzheimer 's puts a different twist on Father 's Day . If you don 't get him a card or gift , he won 't know . If you call to wish him a happy day , he won 't remember as soon as you hang up . And during that call , he will ask you several times who you are and how old you are and tell you he is doing fine . Having a father with Alzheimer 's is hard . Dad was diagnosed in 2009 , at the age of 84 . We had suspected something was going on for a few years before the official diagnosis . Every year , he slowly gets worse . He only recognizes my step - mother now , but lately , he has been forgetting who she is . He still lives at home and requires constant care . He cannot be left alone . When I visited him earlier this year , he talked about being in the war . He talked about shooting , being shot at and doing what he was told so he wouldn 't die . He talked about landing in Okinawa and seeing heads blown . He mentioned Iwo Jima . This was not a conversation . He was sitting in his chair , repeating over and over the same several sentences about the war . Many times he would ask himself a question about the war , and then answer it . The same questions and answers over and over . I was sitting across the room from him and when I tried to ask different questions , he didn 't answer them . I took notes on what he was saying and I believe these events happened to him , even though his discharge papers indicate his principal duty was mechanic air 747 . Having Alzheimer 's has removed his filters . When I was a child , he would never talk about being in the war . My siblings and I knew he had been a Marine because we saw the pictures of him in his uniform . He would only say he worked on airplanes and wouldn 't answer questions . He also never talked much about his life growing up . Dad was born in 1925 . When he was only 7 , his father died in an industrial accident . At the age of 14 , his mother could no longer handle him . With no husband and 3 other children to care for , she placed him in a work camp for boys . He was living there , going to school and learning a trade , when Japan attacked Pearl Harbor and the United States entered WWII . The home was closed and all the boys old enough enlisted . Dad was 16 . He found work and a place to stay with a mechanic until he could enlist . He went into the Marines August 16 , 1943 and served until July 1946 . Other than the part about his father 's passing , we didn 't know any of this . We were adults when our grandmother passed . That is when he told us about her dropping him off at the home and leaving him there . We also learned that he did not reconcile with her until he was discharged from the service . He is not the same man I have known all my life . That man was intelligent . He went to college after the war and became a chemical engineer . He was mechanically inclined and could fix things around the house . He could use tools and finish basements and fix leaking sinks . That man was confident . That man was funny . That man was strict and we often feared him . That man was not perfect and he made mistakes . I wasn 't really close to my dad before or after my parent 's divorce . He intimidated me and I knew not to make him angry . He would take my younger brothers on weekends , but I never went . I saw him maybe once a month . After I graduated high school , I saw him less and less . As an adult , there were years I saw him only on holidays . So you see , this won 't be about how close we were and how much I miss that or how inspiring he was . I admit I was influenced by his work ethic and his drive . I know I got my analytical way of thinking and approaching life from him . I also got his dry sense of humor . I wish I could talk to him now and he would know me . I wish I could ask him all the questions I have about his life and his decisions - good and bad . I wish I would have had the courage to do that before Alzheimer 's took him away and left this dad shell in his place . The last time I saw him , I got angry . Just the two of us were in the house . My step - mom had gone out for lunch with a friend - a much needed break . We were sitting at the kitchen table eating lunch . He was repeatedly asking me my name and when he found out I was his daughter , he would say , " I remember you when you were a little girl . You were a tough little thing . " After several times of this same conversation , I raised my voice and said , " Dad , Look at me . Look at me . I am Peggy . Don 't remember me as a little girl . Remember now . Remember who I am NOW . " He looked at me confused . I said , " I love you , Dad . " He said , " Dad ? Am I your father ? " " Yes , Dad , you are . I 'm Peggy " . I got up and cleared the dishes . " Let 's go watch TV , Dad . Lunch is done . " I called Dad today . After catching up with my step - mom , I asked her to put him on the phone for a Father 's Day chat . It was the same as always . He asked me who I was . How old I was . How old he was . He said my step - mom was taking good care of him and he was fine . Then , we had the same conversation over again . After a few minutes I said , " I love you , Dad . I got to go . " We would be placing it in an area that was not level , so Andy made concrete pylons of varying heights to support it . After the pylons were set , we waited for a nice day when we had nothing else to do to make the move . That didn 't happen until February . We had some unseasonably warm weather on Saturday , February 18th and decided to just do it ! We really wanted to get the carport off the borrowed trailer so we could return it to our neighbor . The easiest part was backing the trailer into position . From there we had to raise it up , put the poles back in place and get it secured on the top of the pylons . Because we were figuring it out as we went , I didn 't get many pictures until we had it raised up and the support poles in place . Again , Andy used the engine hoist to raise it and I ran around sticking the poles back into the roof supports . This process took much longer than anticipated . We really had to raise the roof ! After getting the poles attached to the supports , the carport was not square and needed a bit of adjustment . The lowest corner needed a tug . The carport in it 's new home . In the background is the trailer on the edge of the neighbor 's yard . In the foreground is our first firepit , made from landscaping blocks . We will be putting blocks into the spaces between the ground and the carport supports . This will provide more support and give it the pavillion look that we are wanting . Eventually we will place a picnic table and some benches up there . The Best Things in Life Posted on 06 / 04 / 2017 by Andy and Peggy The best things in life aren 't things . This is the tagline for our blog . We really believe that , however , there are times when we don 't actually live as though we believe it . There are times we hesitate to let go of things even though they don 't fit in our smaller home . There are times when we go to a store and end up with more things in our shopping cart than we ever planned to buy . We are trying to ask the " Do we really need this " question , but that doesn 't always work . Sadie had been throwing up since Wednesday . When it started , the food was mostly undigested and we thought it was related to transitioning her to a new food . On Thursday , she received less of the new food in her kibble mix and she vomited less . We thought we had determined the cause . However , the vomiting continued Friday , even though we had given her only small amounts of her old food and had completely eliminated the new food . Saturday morning we gave her a very small amount of white rice and waited to see what would happen . By now you may be asking yourself why we didn 't take her to the vet when she was getting sick every day . We honestly thought she was sensitive to something in the new food and other than the quick regurgitation of the food , she was acting normal . Well , the white rice came up too . That was when we saw things other than food . Stuff like tiny pieces of an eggshell and little wooden splinters in the vomit . And a tiny bit of blood . Unfortunately our vet closed at noon on Saturday and they were not able to get us in and suggested we go to the animal emergency clinic . The emergency clinic hydrated her , gave her a shot for nausea and sent us home with the instructions to have her fast for 24 hours , give her a small amount of food and see if it stays down . If not , bring her back for an x - ray . Sunday evening we were back at the emergency clinic . The x - ray showed a white mass taking up about two thirds of her little puppy tummy . She had exploratory surgery Sunday evening around 9 pm . No blockage was found in stomach or intestines . No sock or anything in her stomach . Just a greenish fluid and bits of plant material . She spent a couple nights in doctor 's care and came home Wednesday afternoon . She is recovering and back to her normal self . We are watching her very carefully when she is out in the yard . Total cost for our Memorial Weekend pet emergency was $ 1 , 724 . 42 . We never thought we would spend that kind of money on a vet bill . We spend that amount on a refrigerator or leather furniture . But on a pet ? What was our top dollar ? We didn 't have to ask the " Do we really need this " question . Our pets are one of the best things in our life . And they are NOT things . They are part of us . A part of our family . This experience forced us to put more value on the things that are not things . Because of this emergency , some of the other things that we may want to buy will just have to wait . Because of this , we made of list of what is really important to us . The best things that really count . Not material things . We listed seven things , one each day of the week . They are not in any order . All are what we believe to be our top best things that aren 't things . Our Budget Friendly Headboard Posted on 05 / 27 / 2017 by Andy and Peggy When we moved into our downsized home , our bedframe did not fit in the smaller bedroom . Sadly , we broke up our bedroom suite , and donated the frame . We wrote about this in a previous post , Making Room . We didn 't like the bare wall look and started to look for headboard ideas . After MANY pins were added to our Pinterest board , we decided that a wall mounted headboard would work best because we did not want to take away floor space by attaching a headboard to the frame . We went to one of our favorite places to shop , Habitat for Humanity Restore . We also wanted to spend as little as possible on the headboard and their prices are very reasonable . We started out looking for a door to convert to a headboard when we found a great deal on wall mounted headboards . They had a large number of them that we believed came from a hotel . We picked through them , purchased our selection , brought it home and put it in the garage with our project supplies . We didn 't like the color and wanted to paint it to match our bedroom furniture . We would do that when we had our ' in progress ' projects done . We had no headboard for almost a year . Seriously . It took that long for this project to get to the top of the very long project list . When we started on it , it only took about 3 days . The first step was to clean the headboard , as it had gotten a bit dusty waiting it 's turn . It was dusted off first with a microfiber cloth and then vacuumed to get the louvers clean . Then a light sanding with a fine sanding block , followed by extra fine steel wool . We wanted to get it as smooth as possible and remove some of the sheen from the existing finish . Another round of dusting and vacuuming followed , and it was ready for the paint . We masked off the frame with paper and tape and applied the first coat of paint . After it started drying , we could see that the texture was not as prominent as we had hoped . Andy applied a second , heavier coat and we let it dry overnight . The instructions said it would be dry in 30 minutes , but it was still tacky . Center painted The next day , we removed the mask from the frame . After noticing a few spots that had not received paint due to the mask , Andy sprayed again in those areas . A small amount of paint got on the frame , but because the frame paint was a step darker than the center , we were not concerned . After giving the center paint a good drying time , we carefully masked it off . We used a sheet to mask it because we did not have any newspaper or other wide paper . After giving the frame one heavy coat , it was done . We let it dry over 24 hours before hanging it . We needed to determine the height to hang the headboard and where to attach the hardware to the wall . We pulled the mattress back about 6 inches and set the headboard on the box springs . We were happy to see that this placement would work and we would not need to raise or lower it . Andy marked the wall at the 38 inches for the hardware . Upsizing Our Downsize Posted on 05 / 19 / 2017 by Andy and Peggy The back porch / deck on the house was in bad shape . We knew when we first looked at the house that we would have to replace it . It became a matter of when we could do it and what we would replace it with . As the weather warmed up , the decision of what became easier . It was the when that kept getting pushed back . We moved in the first of April . The previous owners had left a large sun umbrella on the porch . The stand was bolted down but still , I was not expecting them to leave it . When we asked them if they had intended to leave it , we were told we would need it . The back of the house faces east . As the month progressed , the morning sun became more intense on the glass patio doors . At that point , I had a ' curtain ' over the door made from a sheet and safety pins and held up with a shower curtain tension rod . It provided privacy and some relief from the warming sun . When the back porch became too hot for barefeet , we opened the umbrella . It was a bit difficult to turn the crank to open it , but once it was up , we saw that it perfectly shaded the patio door and a good portion of the porch from the sun . However , as the days progressed and the sun moved over a bit in the sky , mid - afternoon had the porch in direct sun and the umbrella no longer helped as much . We brought out our smaller umbrella that we had used at the previous house to provide privacy from our neighbors while we were on our deck . We weren 't using the porch for sitting and relaxing . We were in and out that door quite a bit as we worked various projects . We wanted shade when we needed to be on it . We also needed shade on the glass doors since they would get so hot , we couldn 't touch them ! Here is a picture of the back of the house on the day we removed the original patio door and installed the french doors . You can see the opened umbrella . The smaller one is not open because it was in the way . It was usually positioned to the left of the back door . You can also see patio blocks on both sides and in the front of the porch . More about those later . We talked about making it into a screen porch . We had done that to our back deck in our Iowa home and we loved it . However , the longer we lived here , we realized we needed a larger porch and more protection from the sun if we wanted to enjoy that space . We decided our best option would be to tear it all out , extend the size to the corner of the house on the north side , and have an enclosed sun porch built . That decision sounds a lot easier when putting it in writing ! We also knew we wanted to wait until the kitchen remodel was complete before starting the next big project . We had worked with a builder who did some deck repairs at our last home and in August we contacted him for an estimate . We wanted to work with someone that understood we would be doing as much of the work as we could and needed him to do what we couldn 't . He was agreeable to that and very flexible on the timing . He had large project in the works and we would be next on the list . The target date for him to start was the end of September . A couple things had to happen before the porch could be built . The first was move all the patio blocks out of the way . We also needed to do some landscaping on the south side , bringing in fill dirt to level it out a bit . This picture shows the beginnings of the new retaining wall with some fill dirt . In the background you can see some of the patio blocks stacked up . These are the ones that were around the air conditioner . We moved those first because we were getting some water into the garage in that location and needed to determine what was causing it . After that was fixed ( a septic pipe issue that was covered under home warranty ) , we moved the blocks to the opposite side of the yard , stacking them up to be out of the way . We also heard from our contractor . Due to all the rain we had been having , the work on his current project had been delayed , which in turn delayed ours . Our new target was mid October . We were actually ok with that because all the prep work was not quite done . The old porch had to be torn out and all the blocks moved . You can see we still have plenty of patio blocks to move . Andy had to leave a small portion of the porch so we could still use the door to get in and out . This picture also shows the outside faucet that we had to relocate around the corner because it was going to be under the new sun porch . That is when we talked about the air conditioner . It was a bit close to the porch and we thought it may cause an issue when the sun porch was built . Yes , we needed to move it over a few feet because it was going to be difficult to walk between the porch and the air conditioner when the walls were built . We called a company we had worked with in the past , R - Mech and they sent a technician out to do an estimate for moving it . Since I really disliked that air conditioner ( it was extremely noisy and had already been serviced once under the home warranty ) , I asked for an estimate for a new unit . So instead of just moving the existing one , we purchased a new high efficiency one and had it located farther away from the porch , to allow plenty of room for walking on that side of the porch and some landscaping . It was installed on November 1st . They put in the windows and door and finished on November 18th . We took it from there . It needed insulation in the walls and ceiling , sheet rock and trim around the windows . With the exception of the ceiling , we had it done in time for a family dinner over Thanksgiving weekend . Then we took out the tables and set up to work on the barn door . See the picture of the door in the Our Bedroom Barn Door post . We stained it on the new porch . Here are the patio blocks now . They are the temporary porch and steps . Last month , we put down straw and pampas grass clippings to cover the mud . We recently painted the outside of the porch , as it was only primed . We still have to install the beadboard on the ceiling . The windows need to be trimmed out and the walls finished . But , it is usable . We have had several meals there when we can 't all fit in the kitchen . Outside projects have taken our time lately , but we will get back to this one later this summer . Excited to show you the finished product ! It usually starts the first week of May . The Mother 's Day ads . You can 't watch TV or listen to the radio without seeing or hearing them . And the emails start . Promotional emails for finding the perfect Mother 's Day gift . And that is when I start to miss her more . It happens every year when the ads start . Sure , I miss her all the time , but it intensifies this time of year . And the sadness lasts longer and the tears flow more . I miss her on her birthday , but that is just one day and I am not constantly reminded of it . I miss her on the anniversary of her death , but it is private and I do not like to recall that day . It is not my day to remember and celebrate her . Mother 's Day is that day . When I was younger , I spent the time leading up to Mother 's Day trying to find that special gift that would let her know how much I loved her . As I grew older and had children of my own , I began to realize that a present I purchased was not the best gift . I realized that the best gift I could give her was to be present . Give her my time . Be present and listen . Mom lived 3 hours away and didn 't make the trip to visit us very often . And after my stepdad passed in 1991 , she never made the drive alone . As a family , we drove to visit her every few months or so . But , as my kids got older and had more activities , those family visits didn 't happen as often . But I made it a point to see her , either over Mother 's Day weekend or the next . I don 't recall exactly when I bought her the half whiskey barrel , but every year when I visited , I would bring bedding plants to fill it . I would plant the flowers , and she would sit on the porch and watch and we would chat . We usually went to dinner and we would chat . We would sit around in the family room and we would chat . Lots of that time , I would listen . She would talk about how she missed my stepdad and catch me up on her siblings and my cousins . She would also talk about her life growing up . Mom was born in Wheeling , West Virginia in 1931 , the youngest of 5 children . Her family struggled there , and when she was still a young child , they moved to the suburbs of Detroit . She told tell me about the first Halloween after they moved to Michigan . Children came to the door and her dad thought they were begging for food , so he invited them in for a meal . He didn 't know they were wanting candy because trick or treating was not done in their previous neighborhood . She told how her dad would come home and ask what was for dinner . He would look in the pot on the stove and see potatoes and say , " Potatoes ! My favorite . " When I asked her why that memory stuck with her she said they were poor and ate a lot of potatoes , but he made it fun . Her father died when she was 15 years old . He had been sick and was in his bed . Her mother asked her to go in and check on him to see if he wanted something to eat . He was dead when she found him . I heard this story many times growing up . When I had asked her more about it when I was an adult , she said she wasn 't sure what the illness was and never really wanted to talk about it , so I didn 't push . I always had the feeling she was Daddy 's little girl and his death was something she never really got over . She would also talk about her mistakes and the family dirt . Mom was not perfect and I never pretended to believe she was . She gave birth to 9 children , said goodbye to 2 that never came home , and did her best with the rest . My parents divorced after 20 years of marriage . Mom had to go to work for the first time since she was married at age 18 . She worked several jobs until she eventually went to school to learn key punch and did that job until she retired . She struggled with her addictions , but she eventually won . Mom was a recovering alcoholic and a longtime smoker . Mom had poor health for as long as I can remember . But she always recovered , she always got better . She had emphysema . She had triple by - pass surgery in 1977 . She had colon cancer that was discovered when she was having bowel resection surgery . In April 2003 she got pneumonia , and shortly before Easter she went into the hospital when she got worse . When I talked to her , she said not to come , she would only be there a few days . Since Mother 's Day was 3 weeks away and I thought she would be going home soon , I decided to wait . My brother that lived in town called Monday after Easter and said she was getting worse and I should come sooner than later . After work that day , I drove down to see her . I wasn 't feeling rushed or worried . She had been in and out of hospitals for most of my life and it was something I was used to . I just felt certain that this was not her time , she would recover and life would go on as normal . The traffic getting out of town was horrible . For some reason , I got lost finding the hospital when I got to town . It was after 9 PM when I arrived . She was hooked up to monitors and was sleeping . I talked to her and gave her a kiss but she didn 't respond . I called my brother to let him know I had arrived . He said he had just left a bit before I got there and that he would be over tomorrow . I pulled up a chair next to the bed and held her hand . I thought she would wake up . A nurse came in and checked on her . I watched TV and listened to her breath . Then it got quiet . I looked at her , got up and leaned over towards her face . Suddenly nurses came running into the room and I heard the Code Blue call over the intercom . CPR was started . They told me to leave . The rest of the night , and into the next morning , she was on life support and we waited for all the family to come . Mom passed on the morning of April 22th , 2003 . She was 72 . But , this post is not about her death . It is about Mother 's Day . It is about Mother 's Day without a mom to celebrate . Don 't get me wrong , I am a mother and I appreciate and love the time my children and grandchildren spend with me . But for me , Mother 's Day was my opportunity to celebrate my mom , not to be celebrated . I want to visit her and listen to her and hug her and not think about her being gone . She wasn 't perfect , but she was mine and she loved me unconditionally . And I still cry on the days leading up to Mother 's Day 14 years after her death . The Good , the Bad and the Hmm . . . Posted on 05 / 02 / 2017 by Andy and Peggy Over the last 4 posts , we shared the progression of our kitchen remodel . In the last post , Kitchen Remodel - Part 4 , we were almost done . We had the cabinets painted , the counter tops installed and the hardware on . Now came the hard part - putting our stuff away . Even though we had carted boxes with dishes , pans , dish towels and small appliances to the thrift stores before and after we moved into our new home , we still had lots of stuff left to put away . As a reminder , we had two full kitchens in our previous house . Who needs that ? ? To be honest , I liked it because I had lots of cabinets to store all sorts of stuff that wasn 't ' kitchen ' related . Vases , craft items , seasonal dishes and decorations . Items that I now had to unpack and see what would fit , along with our dishes , cookware , glasses , coffee mugs , etc . You get the idea . The Good - I now have plenty of cabinets in the kitchen . Cabinets for everyday dishes . Drawers for pots and pans . A pantry for food . And a dishwasher ! There was not a dishwasher in the kitchen before the remodel . It is a tight fit , but it works . The cabinet to the left of the dishwasher holds baking and cookie sheets . The cabinet door to the right of the refrigerator is where we store cutting boards . Putting them in with the cookie sheets made them harder to access . We used a large cup hook for the cutting boards . It will hold 3 of this type of cutting board . I like the corner cabinets because there is no dead space in them . I can see and access the whole cabinet . This is the upper corner cabinet to the right of the sink . When putting in the hooks , we needed to be sure we were clearing the shelf . Also , the cups only fit one way without hitting items on the shelf . That is why I labeled the hooks . I really like the pantry . ( Except for the cabinet over the pantry , which I will talk about later . ) All the food is easy to access and the drawers are adjustable . I also like the cabinet on the right of the microwave . That is where I store the spices and other baking ingredients . I have them in the small baskets setting on a tier rack . This allows me to take them down without knocking everything else over . I am still looking at other options , however , this is working for me now . Our key rack also fit there nicely . The Bad - We also have what are called blind or dead space corner cabinets under the counters . These are bad because I have to crawl back there to put stuff away and I can 't see into them . Here is a peek into the one by the refrigerator . The cabinet under the kitchen sink goes all the way back to the corner . This one is not as dark because of the two cabinet doors , however it is no easier to access items . For both of these cabinets I have put the heavier and little used items . I find that I need something from one of them about 2 or 3 times a month . The cabinet over the pantry also falls into this category , but I think it is related more to my needing to organize it better . Or add another shelf up there . Take a peek back at the picture of the pantry and look at the top cabinet . When I need flour , sugar or other baking ingredients in canisters , I have to get on a step stool . And remove items to get to these , because they are in the back ! Ok , enough whining about this one . The Hmm - We also have shelves so tall that I need a step stool to reach them , such as the top shelves in the corner cabinets . Before I put something up there , I have to really think about it . I sometimes wait until I have several items to put away before I get the step stool out . This is when I think about moving things around , putting some items on lower shelves , and moving others up . That is why I call these the Hmmm , because I am still thinking about them . I have been exploring different ways to make the cabinets more organized . And also ways to modify the blind cabinets to make them more accessible . If you are interested , check out our Small Kitchen Remodel and Storage board on Pinterest . Thanks for stopping by . I hope you are enjoying our blog and our adventure remodeling our kitchen . If you have any questions on any of our projects , just leave a question in the comments .

Dad has Alzheimer 's Posted on 06 / 18 / 2017 by Andy and Peggy This has been a hard post to write . I thought about different ways to tell it . I even thought I would not mention it and write about our latest remodeling or landscaping project . But I couldn 't do that . I couldn 't let Father 's Day go by without writing about my dad . Having a father with Alzheimer 's puts a different twist on Father 's Day . If you don 't get him a card or gift , he won 't know . If you call to wish him a happy day , he won 't remember as soon as you hang up . And during that call , he will ask you several times who you are and how old you are and tell you he is doing fine . Having a father with Alzheimer 's is hard . Dad was diagnosed in 2009 , at the age of 84 . We had suspected something was going on for a few years before the official diagnosis . Every year , he slowly gets worse . He only recognizes my step - mother now , but lately , he has been forgetting who she is . He still lives at home and requires constant care . He cannot be left alone . When I visited him earlier this year , he talked about being in the war . He talked about shooting , being shot at and doing what he was told so he wouldn 't die . He talked about landing in Okinawa and seeing heads blown . He mentioned Iwo Jima . This was not a conversation . He was sitting in his chair , repeating over and over the same several sentences about the war . Many times he would ask himself a question about the war , and then answer it . The same questions and answers over and over . I was sitting across the room from him and when I tried to ask different questions , he didn 't answer them . I took notes on what he was saying and I believe these events happened to him , even though his discharge papers indicate his principal duty was mechanic air 747 . Having Alzheimer 's has removed his filters . When I was a child , he would never talk about being in the war . My siblings and I knew he had been a Marine because we saw the pictures of him in his uniform . He would only say he worked on airplanes and wouldn 't answer questions . He also never talked much about his life growing up . Dad was born in 1925 . When he was only 7 , his father died in an industrial accident . At the age of 14 , his mother could no longer handle him . With no husband and 3 other children to care for , she placed him in a work camp for boys . He was living there , going to school and learning a trade , when Japan attacked Pearl Harbor and the United States entered WWII . The home was closed and all the boys old enough enlisted . Dad was 16 . He found work and a place to stay with a mechanic until he could enlist . He went into the Marines August 16 , 1943 and served until July 1946 . Other than the part about his father 's passing , we didn 't know any of this . We were adults when our grandmother passed . That is when he told us about her dropping him off at the home and leaving him there . We also learned that he did not reconcile with her until he was discharged from the service . He is not the same man I have known all my life . That man was intelligent . He went to college after the war and became a chemical engineer . He was mechanically inclined and could fix things around the house . He could use tools and finish basements and fix leaking sinks . That man was confident . That man was funny . That man was strict and we often feared him . That man was not perfect and he made mistakes . I wasn 't really close to my dad before or after my parent 's divorce . He intimidated me and I knew not to make him angry . He would take my younger brothers on weekends , but I never went . I saw him maybe once a month . After I graduated high school , I saw him less and less . As an adult , there were years I saw him only on holidays . So you see , this won 't be about how close we were and how much I miss that or how inspiring he was . I admit I was influenced by his work ethic and his drive . I know I got my analytical way of thinking and approaching life from him . I also got his dry sense of humor . I wish I could talk to him now and he would know me . I wish I could ask him all the questions I have about his life and his decisions - good and bad . I wish I would have had the courage to do that before Alzheimer 's took him away and left this dad shell in his place . The last time I saw him , I got angry . Just the two of us were in the house . My step - mom had gone out for lunch with a friend - a much needed break . We were sitting at the kitchen table eating lunch . He was repeatedly asking me my name and when he found out I was his daughter , he would say , " I remember you when you were a little girl . You were a tough little thing . " After several times of this same conversation , I raised my voice and said , " Dad , Look at me . Look at me . I am Peggy . Don 't remember me as a little girl . Remember now . Remember who I am NOW . " He looked at me confused . I said , " I love you , Dad . " He said , " Dad ? Am I your father ? " " Yes , Dad , you are . I 'm Peggy " . I got up and cleared the dishes . " Let 's go watch TV , Dad . Lunch is done . " I called Dad today . After catching up with my step - mom , I asked her to put him on the phone for a Father 's Day chat . It was the same as always . He asked me who I was . How old I was . How old he was . He said my step - mom was taking good care of him and he was fine . Then , we had the same conversation over again . After a few minutes I said , " I love you , Dad . I got to go . " We would be placing it in an area that was not level , so Andy made concrete pylons of varying heights to support it . After the pylons were set , we waited for a nice day when we had nothing else to do to make the move . That didn 't happen until February . We had some unseasonably warm weather on Saturday , February 18th and decided to just do it ! We really wanted to get the carport off the borrowed trailer so we could return it to our neighbor . The easiest part was backing the trailer into position . From there we had to raise it up , put the poles back in place and get it secured on the top of the pylons . Because we were figuring it out as we went , I didn 't get many pictures until we had it raised up and the support poles in place . Again , Andy used the engine hoist to raise it and I ran around sticking the poles back into the roof supports . This process took much longer than anticipated . We really had to raise the roof ! After getting the poles attached to the supports , the carport was not square and needed a bit of adjustment . The lowest corner needed a tug . The carport in it 's new home . In the background is the trailer on the edge of the neighbor 's yard . In the foreground is our first firepit , made from landscaping blocks . We will be putting blocks into the spaces between the ground and the carport supports . This will provide more support and give it the pavillion look that we are wanting . Eventually we will place a picnic table and some benches up there . The Best Things in Life Posted on 06 / 04 / 2017 by Andy and Peggy The best things in life aren 't things . This is the tagline for our blog . We really believe that , however , there are times when we don 't actually live as though we believe it . There are times we hesitate to let go of things even though they don 't fit in our smaller home . There are times when we go to a store and end up with more things in our shopping cart than we ever planned to buy . We are trying to ask the " Do we really need this " question , but that doesn 't always work . Sadie had been throwing up since Wednesday . When it started , the food was mostly undigested and we thought it was related to transitioning her to a new food . On Thursday , she received less of the new food in her kibble mix and she vomited less . We thought we had determined the cause . However , the vomiting continued Friday , even though we had given her only small amounts of her old food and had completely eliminated the new food . Saturday morning we gave her a very small amount of white rice and waited to see what would happen . By now you may be asking yourself why we didn 't take her to the vet when she was getting sick every day . We honestly thought she was sensitive to something in the new food and other than the quick regurgitation of the food , she was acting normal . Well , the white rice came up too . That was when we saw things other than food . Stuff like tiny pieces of an eggshell and little wooden splinters in the vomit . And a tiny bit of blood . Unfortunately our vet closed at noon on Saturday and they were not able to get us in and suggested we go to the animal emergency clinic . The emergency clinic hydrated her , gave her a shot for nausea and sent us home with the instructions to have her fast for 24 hours , give her a small amount of food and see if it stays down . If not , bring her back for an x - ray . Sunday evening we were back at the emergency clinic . The x - ray showed a white mass taking up about two thirds of her little puppy tummy . She had exploratory surgery Sunday evening around 9 pm . No blockage was found in stomach or intestines . No sock or anything in her stomach . Just a greenish fluid and bits of plant material . She spent a couple nights in doctor 's care and came home Wednesday afternoon . She is recovering and back to her normal self . We are watching her very carefully when she is out in the yard . Total cost for our Memorial Weekend pet emergency was $ 1 , 724 . 42 . We never thought we would spend that kind of money on a vet bill . We spend that amount on a refrigerator or leather furniture . But on a pet ? What was our top dollar ? We didn 't have to ask the " Do we really need this " question . Our pets are one of the best things in our life . And they are NOT things . They are part of us . A part of our family . This experience forced us to put more value on the things that are not things . Because of this emergency , some of the other things that we may want to buy will just have to wait . Because of this , we made of list of what is really important to us . The best things that really count . Not material things . We listed seven things , one each day of the week . They are not in any order . All are what we believe to be our top best things that aren 't things . Our Budget Friendly Headboard Posted on 05 / 27 / 2017 by Andy and Peggy When we moved into our downsized home , our bedframe did not fit in the smaller bedroom . Sadly , we broke up our bedroom suite , and donated the frame . We wrote about this in a previous post , Making Room . We didn 't like the bare wall look and started to look for headboard ideas . After MANY pins were added to our Pinterest board , we decided that a wall mounted headboard would work best because we did not want to take away floor space by attaching a headboard to the frame . We went to one of our favorite places to shop , Habitat for Humanity Restore . We also wanted to spend as little as possible on the headboard and their prices are very reasonable . We started out looking for a door to convert to a headboard when we found a great deal on wall mounted headboards . They had a large number of them that we believed came from a hotel . We picked through them , purchased our selection , brought it home and put it in the garage with our project supplies . We didn 't like the color and wanted to paint it to match our bedroom furniture . We would do that when we had our ' in progress ' projects done . We had no headboard for almost a year . Seriously . It took that long for this project to get to the top of the very long project list . When we started on it , it only took about 3 days . The first step was to clean the headboard , as it had gotten a bit dusty waiting it 's turn . It was dusted off first with a microfiber cloth and then vacuumed to get the louvers clean . Then a light sanding with a fine sanding block , followed by extra fine steel wool . We wanted to get it as smooth as possible and remove some of the sheen from the existing finish . Another round of dusting and vacuuming followed , and it was ready for the paint . We masked off the frame with paper and tape and applied the first coat of paint . After it started drying , we could see that the texture was not as prominent as we had hoped . Andy applied a second , heavier coat and we let it dry overnight . The instructions said it would be dry in 30 minutes , but it was still tacky . Center painted The next day , we removed the mask from the frame . After noticing a few spots that had not received paint due to the mask , Andy sprayed again in those areas . A small amount of paint got on the frame , but because the frame paint was a step darker than the center , we were not concerned . After giving the center paint a good drying time , we carefully masked it off . We used a sheet to mask it because we did not have any newspaper or other wide paper . After giving the frame one heavy coat , it was done . We let it dry over 24 hours before hanging it . We needed to determine the height to hang the headboard and where to attach the hardware to the wall . We pulled the mattress back about 6 inches and set the headboard on the box springs . We were happy to see that this placement would work and we would not need to raise or lower it . Andy marked the wall at the 38 inches for the hardware . Upsizing Our Downsize Posted on 05 / 19 / 2017 by Andy and Peggy The back porch / deck on the house was in bad shape . We knew when we first looked at the house that we would have to replace it . It became a matter of when we could do it and what we would replace it with . As the weather warmed up , the decision of what became easier . It was the when that kept getting pushed back . We moved in the first of April . The previous owners had left a large sun umbrella on the porch . The stand was bolted down but still , I was not expecting them to leave it . When we asked them if they had intended to leave it , we were told we would need it . The back of the house faces east . As the month progressed , the morning sun became more intense on the glass patio doors . At that point , I had a ' curtain ' over the door made from a sheet and safety pins and held up with a shower curtain tension rod . It provided privacy and some relief from the warming sun . When the back porch became too hot for barefeet , we opened the umbrella . It was a bit difficult to turn the crank to open it , but once it was up , we saw that it perfectly shaded the patio door and a good portion of the porch from the sun . However , as the days progressed and the sun moved over a bit in the sky , mid - afternoon had the porch in direct sun and the umbrella no longer helped as much . We brought out our smaller umbrella that we had used at the previous house to provide privacy from our neighbors while we were on our deck . We weren 't using the porch for sitting and relaxing . We were in and out that door quite a bit as we worked various projects . We wanted shade when we needed to be on it . We also needed shade on the glass doors since they would get so hot , we couldn 't touch them ! Here is a picture of the back of the house on the day we removed the original patio door and installed the french doors . You can see the opened umbrella . The smaller one is not open because it was in the way . It was usually positioned to the left of the back door . You can also see patio blocks on both sides and in the front of the porch . More about those later . We talked about making it into a screen porch . We had done that to our back deck in our Iowa home and we loved it . However , the longer we lived here , we realized we needed a larger porch and more protection from the sun if we wanted to enjoy that space . We decided our best option would be to tear it all out , extend the size to the corner of the house on the north side , and have an enclosed sun porch built . That decision sounds a lot easier when putting it in writing ! We also knew we wanted to wait until the kitchen remodel was complete before starting the next big project . We had worked with a builder who did some deck repairs at our last home and in August we contacted him for an estimate . We wanted to work with someone that understood we would be doing as much of the work as we could and needed him to do what we couldn 't . He was agreeable to that and very flexible on the timing . He had large project in the works and we would be next on the list . The target date for him to start was the end of September . A couple things had to happen before the porch could be built . The first was move all the patio blocks out of the way . We also needed to do some landscaping on the south side , bringing in fill dirt to level it out a bit . This picture shows the beginnings of the new retaining wall with some fill dirt . In the background you can see some of the patio blocks stacked up . These are the ones that were around the air conditioner . We moved those first because we were getting some water into the garage in that location and needed to determine what was causing it . After that was fixed ( a septic pipe issue that was covered under home warranty ) , we moved the blocks to the opposite side of the yard , stacking them up to be out of the way . We also heard from our contractor . Due to all the rain we had been having , the work on his current project had been delayed , which in turn delayed ours . Our new target was mid October . We were actually ok with that because all the prep work was not quite done . The old porch had to be torn out and all the blocks moved . You can see we still have plenty of patio blocks to move . Andy had to leave a small portion of the porch so we could still use the door to get in and out . This picture also shows the outside faucet that we had to relocate around the corner because it was going to be under the new sun porch . That is when we talked about the air conditioner . It was a bit close to the porch and we thought it may cause an issue when the sun porch was built . Yes , we needed to move it over a few feet because it was going to be difficult to walk between the porch and the air conditioner when the walls were built . We called a company we had worked with in the past , R - Mech and they sent a technician out to do an estimate for moving it . Since I really disliked that air conditioner ( it was extremely noisy and had already been serviced once under the home warranty ) , I asked for an estimate for a new unit . So instead of just moving the existing one , we purchased a new high efficiency one and had it located farther away from the porch , to allow plenty of room for walking on that side of the porch and some landscaping . It was installed on November 1st . They put in the windows and door and finished on November 18th . We took it from there . It needed insulation in the walls and ceiling , sheet rock and trim around the windows . With the exception of the ceiling , we had it done in time for a family dinner over Thanksgiving weekend . Then we took out the tables and set up to work on the barn door . See the picture of the door in the Our Bedroom Barn Door post . We stained it on the new porch . Here are the patio blocks now . They are the temporary porch and steps . Last month , we put down straw and pampas grass clippings to cover the mud . We recently painted the outside of the porch , as it was only primed . We still have to install the beadboard on the ceiling . The windows need to be trimmed out and the walls finished . But , it is usable . We have had several meals there when we can 't all fit in the kitchen . Outside projects have taken our time lately , but we will get back to this one later this summer . Excited to show you the finished product ! It usually starts the first week of May . The Mother 's Day ads . You can 't watch TV or listen to the radio without seeing or hearing them . And the emails start . Promotional emails for finding the perfect Mother 's Day gift . And that is when I start to miss her more . It happens every year when the ads start . Sure , I miss her all the time , but it intensifies this time of year . And the sadness lasts longer and the tears flow more . I miss her on her birthday , but that is just one day and I am not constantly reminded of it . I miss her on the anniversary of her death , but it is private and I do not like to recall that day . It is not my day to remember and celebrate her . Mother 's Day is that day . When I was younger , I spent the time leading up to Mother 's Day trying to find that special gift that would let her know how much I loved her . As I grew older and had children of my own , I began to realize that a present I purchased was not the best gift . I realized that the best gift I could give her was to be present . Give her my time . Be present and listen . Mom lived 3 hours away and didn 't make the trip to visit us very often . And after my stepdad passed in 1991 , she never made the drive alone . As a family , we drove to visit her every few months or so . But , as my kids got older and had more activities , those family visits didn 't happen as often . But I made it a point to see her , either over Mother 's Day weekend or the next . I don 't recall exactly when I bought her the half whiskey barrel , but every year when I visited , I would bring bedding plants to fill it . I would plant the flowers , and she would sit on the porch and watch and we would chat . We usually went to dinner and we would chat . We would sit around in the family room and we would chat . Lots of that time , I would listen . She would talk about how she missed my stepdad and catch me up on her siblings and my cousins . She would also talk about her life growing up . Mom was born in Wheeling , West Virginia in 1931 , the youngest of 5 children . Her family struggled there , and when she was still a young child , they moved to the suburbs of Detroit . She told tell me about the first Halloween after they moved to Michigan . Children came to the door and her dad thought they were begging for food , so he invited them in for a meal . He didn 't know they were wanting candy because trick or treating was not done in their previous neighborhood . She told how her dad would come home and ask what was for dinner . He would look in the pot on the stove and see potatoes and say , " Potatoes ! My favorite . " When I asked her why that memory stuck with her she said they were poor and ate a lot of potatoes , but he made it fun . Her father died when she was 15 years old . He had been sick and was in his bed . Her mother asked her to go in and check on him to see if he wanted something to eat . He was dead when she found him . I heard this story many times growing up . When I had asked her more about it when I was an adult , she said she wasn 't sure what the illness was and never really wanted to talk about it , so I didn 't push . I always had the feeling she was Daddy 's little girl and his death was something she never really got over . She would also talk about her mistakes and the family dirt . Mom was not perfect and I never pretended to believe she was . She gave birth to 9 children , said goodbye to 2 that never came home , and did her best with the rest . My parents divorced after 20 years of marriage . Mom had to go to work for the first time since she was married at age 18 . She worked several jobs until she eventually went to school to learn key punch and did that job until she retired . She struggled with her addictions , but she eventually won . Mom was a recovering alcoholic and a longtime smoker . Mom had poor health for as long as I can remember . But she always recovered , she always got better . She had emphysema . She had triple by - pass surgery in 1977 . She had colon cancer that was discovered when she was having bowel resection surgery . In April 2003 she got pneumonia , and shortly before Easter she went into the hospital when she got worse . When I talked to her , she said not to come , she would only be there a few days . Since Mother 's Day was 3 weeks away and I thought she would be going home soon , I decided to wait . My brother that lived in town called Monday after Easter and said she was getting worse and I should come sooner than later . After work that day , I drove down to see her . I wasn 't feeling rushed or worried . She had been in and out of hospitals for most of my life and it was something I was used to . I just felt certain that this was not her time , she would recover and life would go on as normal . The traffic getting out of town was horrible . For some reason , I got lost finding the hospital when I got to town . It was after 9 PM when I arrived . She was hooked up to monitors and was sleeping . I talked to her and gave her a kiss but she didn 't respond . I called my brother to let him know I had arrived . He said he had just left a bit before I got there and that he would be over tomorrow . I pulled up a chair next to the bed and held her hand . I thought she would wake up . A nurse came in and checked on her . I watched TV and listened to her breath . Then it got quiet . I looked at her , got up and leaned over towards her face . Suddenly nurses came running into the room and I heard the Code Blue call over the intercom . CPR was started . They told me to leave . The rest of the night , and into the next morning , she was on life support and we waited for all the family to come . Mom passed on the morning of April 22th , 2003 . She was 72 . But , this post is not about her death . It is about Mother 's Day . It is about Mother 's Day without a mom to celebrate . Don 't get me wrong , I am a mother and I appreciate and love the time my children and grandchildren spend with me . But for me , Mother 's Day was my opportunity to celebrate my mom , not to be celebrated . I want to visit her and listen to her and hug her and not think about her being gone . She wasn 't perfect , but she was mine and she loved me unconditionally . And I still cry on the days leading up to Mother 's Day 14 years after her death . The Good , the Bad and the Hmm . . . Posted on 05 / 02 / 2017 by Andy and Peggy Over the last 4 posts , we shared the progression of our kitchen remodel . In the last post , Kitchen Remodel - Part 4 , we were almost done . We had the cabinets painted , the counter tops installed and the hardware on . Now came the hard part - putting our stuff away . Even though we had carted boxes with dishes , pans , dish towels and small appliances to the thrift stores before and after we moved into our new home , we still had lots of stuff left to put away . As a reminder , we had two full kitchens in our previous house . Who needs that ? ? To be honest , I liked it because I had lots of cabinets to store all sorts of stuff that wasn 't ' kitchen ' related . Vases , craft items , seasonal dishes and decorations . Items that I now had to unpack and see what would fit , along with our dishes , cookware , glasses , coffee mugs , etc . You get the idea . The Good - I now have plenty of cabinets in the kitchen . Cabinets for everyday dishes . Drawers for pots and pans . A pantry for food . And a dishwasher ! There was not a dishwasher in the kitchen before the remodel . It is a tight fit , but it works . The cabinet to the left of the dishwasher holds baking and cookie sheets . The cabinet door to the right of the refrigerator is where we store cutting boards . Putting them in with the cookie sheets made them harder to access . We used a large cup hook for the cutting boards . It will hold 3 of this type of cutting board . I like the corner cabinets because there is no dead space in them . I can see and access the whole cabinet . This is the upper corner cabinet to the right of the sink . When putting in the hooks , we needed to be sure we were clearing the shelf . Also , the cups only fit one way without hitting items on the shelf . That is why I labeled the hooks . I really like the pantry . ( Except for the cabinet over the pantry , which I will talk about later . ) All the food is easy to access and the drawers are adjustable . I also like the cabinet on the right of the microwave . That is where I store the spices and other baking ingredients . I have them in the small baskets setting on a tier rack . This allows me to take them down without knocking everything else over . I am still looking at other options , however , this is working for me now . Our key rack also fit there nicely . The Bad - We also have what are called blind or dead space corner cabinets under the counters . These are bad because I have to crawl back there to put stuff away and I can 't see into them . Here is a peek into the one by the refrigerator . The cabinet under the kitchen sink goes all the way back to the corner . This one is not as dark because of the two cabinet doors , however it is no easier to access items . For both of these cabinets I have put the heavier and little used items . I find that I need something from one of them about 2 or 3 times a month . The cabinet over the pantry also falls into this category , but I think it is related more to my needing to organize it better . Or add another shelf up there . Take a peek back at the picture of the pantry and look at the top cabinet . When I need flour , sugar or other baking ingredients in canisters , I have to get on a step stool . And remove items to get to these , because they are in the back ! Ok , enough whining about this one . The Hmm - We also have shelves so tall that I need a step stool to reach them , such as the top shelves in the corner cabinets . Before I put something up there , I have to really think about it . I sometimes wait until I have several items to put away before I get the step stool out . This is when I think about moving things around , putting some items on lower shelves , and moving others up . That is why I call these the Hmmm , because I am still thinking about them . I have been exploring different ways to make the cabinets more organized . And also ways to modify the blind cabinets to make them more accessible . If you are interested , check out our Small Kitchen Remodel and Storage board on Pinterest . Thanks for stopping by . I hope you are enjoying our blog and our adventure remodeling our kitchen . If you have any questions on any of our projects , just leave a question in the comments .

Getting back to work put me back in a routine . . . and back into the interaction with other people . It 's good . I 'm smiling a lot and laughing . . . I think it helps that I was a smiler and laugher in the first place , so it comes naturally . Although , I think it may be working against me now also . I almost feel like I 'm acting now . . . but not consciencely . Last week was hard at work , but it was still new . This week I 'm back in the routine and actually felt like maybe I was finally getting to the " new normal " that I keep reading about . There 's actually times where I feel okay . . . and I wonder if those times that other mom 's talk about would come to me . Where they just feel down and start crying for no reason . Well , those times have . The last two days . . . I feel like I 'm usually okay in the morning at work . I think up until maybe two or three o ' clock . Once that time comes around , I feel a sudden sadness . It 's hard to explain , but an emptiness and heaviness within myself . I felt like this last night and came home and cried a bit to Eric . But today it it even harder . I had been feeling that dreading feeling in me again . . . feeling that heaviness and emptiness that I 'm missing something . . . which just leads to a deeper sadness . But I was still going through the day and still working . I was at my lead , Scarlett 's , desk talking to her and she made a small joke , but I was already on the verge of crying at that point . It wasn 't the joke that made me cry at all . I really wasn 't . . . but all of a sudden , tears just formed and wouldn 't stop again . I felt terrible . I know she did too and I felt bad about that . I just felt so overwhelmingly sad . She told me that if I needed anything , to ask her and asked me what she could do to make things better or something like that . I think I replied , or at least I know I thought it , something like , " You can 't make things better . . . no one can . " No one can make things better . Isn 't that crazy ? There are so few things , if any , in life that are not able to be fixed . I remember when I was 17 and broke up wiI actually thought that maybe I 'd be one of the mom 's that this pain didn 't creep up upon and come back . . . I was wrong . I was actually going to cancel the appointment with the counselor on Monday . . . but I 'm keeping it now . I miss Cameron . I miss my baby so much . I want to hold him again . . . I wanna look at him again . I came home crying . . . Eric was here already and I walked in and went straight to Cameron 's table and plaque of his prints and touched them . I then walked to Eric and he hugged me and I just cried . I couldn 't stop . . . just cried in his arm with my purse still on my shoulder and started almost that wailing crying again that I had soon after his death . I WANT MY BABY ! I WANT HIM BACK ! I MISS MY CAMERON ! This isn 't fair . Not fair at all . . . . How can I be so fine a few days and then have days like this of utter despair ? I asked Eric last night . . . is this really how my life is going to be for the rest of my life ? Am I always going to have bad days ? Am I never going to be completely happy ? I have just completed my first week back at work , and it was a whirlwind . It was harder than I thought at first , but as the weekend went on , it got easier and easier . I was hoping that everyone knew about what happened so I didn 't get those awkward comments or have to explain everything , and most everyone did . What I didn 't expect was all the " I 'm Sorry " stares and people talking gently to me . As much as I wanted them to acknowledge what happened , I didn 't want people to feel sorry for me . I wanted people to be sorry the event happened , but ask about Cameron and be happy I got to see my baby . Well , here it goes . . . Monday , I walked in and felt nervous and scared , but I thought I 'd be okay . I thought I 'd go to my desk and maybe get a hug or two and that 's it . I didn 't expect to be overcome with emotions as soon as I got to my desk . I got there and saw my co - worker , Keimesha , and just broke down . I don 't know what happened , but I felt so odd and felt like I wanted to run out of there . It was weird being back at work and being in that environment . . . and coming back not pregnant anymore and without a baby to take care of . It should have been one or the other . Well , Keimesha seemed like she understood and smiled and told me it was okay and just kept talking , which was perfect . As people trinkled in , everyone said they were happy to have me back and things like that . But every single person I talked to , I couldn 't help but cry . It was inevitable to talk about it , and if they didn 't , I felt like I had to bring it up , because how could you not ? Plus , I still had a baby . . . I needed to acknowledge him . Tuesday I went in knowing it was going to be a little easier . . . everyone had already gotten over the inital sorry 's and whatnot . . . but there was one co - worker that was just coming back . She is this older lady and when she saw my cat on the background paper , I mentioned she had also passed this weekend and she was like , " Wow ! That 's like boom , boom ! You must be jinxed ! " And just started laughing . I didn 't . . . I just kinda smiled and said yeah . . . even though I thought this was so rude and so inconsiderate ! I 'm jinxed because I lost my precious baby . . . yeah , sure seems like it . There was a point Tuesday where I just felt so much sadness . . . just overcome with sadness and just sat at my desk with tears running down my face . . . and starting and just thinking . I bought over Cameron 's plaster of foot and handprints today so others could see them and know that he was a real baby . Everyone loved them . . . weird that this is really the only tangible evidence I have of him . . . and sad . Wednesday , I thought I felt a big better about going . But we had an Employee of the Quarter meeting at about 3 : 30 PM . Keimesha was getting her five year award , so I was going to go just to see her get it . She had been really supportive with my transition coming back , so I wanted to support her . Yet , almost as soon as the meeting starts , they start announcing the " New Arrivals " and giving congratulations to the new parents that had a baby this last quarter . I tried to remain calm and just kinda looked around . . . but then started thinking that they couldn 't acknowledge Cameron . Why not ? He was as much a baby as those babies . And ya know , maybe I wouldn 't have wanted them to announce him , but they all get a little gift from the company , why couldn 't Cameron get something ? I love getting presents for him because that just adds to the little memories he has . If he had been healthy , he would have gotten a gift . Why is he being treated like he didn 't exist ? I kept thinking and thinking about this and then all of a sudden tears just started rolling down . . . I left quickly . When I got back to my desk , I couldn 't stop the tears from flowing . My manager stopped by my desk and without her even knowing I was crying , put her hand on my shoulder and asked me if it was hard . I turned around and just nodded . She said she was across the room and as soon as they started doing the new arrivals , she thought of me and felt so terrible . . . she looked across the room at me and was watching me when I walked out . She knew it had to be hard . It was . . . I just cried and cried . Why couldn 't Cameron get his baby gift too ? Why couldn 't anyone acknowledge that I had a baby ? Thursday the day was going okay . . . but it seemed every time I saw a new co - worker that I hadn 't seen up to that point yet , I was overcome with nervousness and anxiety . I didn 't know how they 'd react and I wanted to cry instantly . What was wrong with me ? ! Well , this morning I was in the break room making oatmeal when a co - worker I hadn 't seen up to that point came to me and was like , " Hey ! How are you and the baby ? " Very cheerfully . I was dreading this moment , and didn 't know how to react . I kinda fumbled and asked , " Oh . . . you haven 't heard , right ? " And I proceeded to tell her what happened . . . while tears coming down my face . I 'm sure she felt terrible . Later that afternoon , I had a meeting with a quality person and afterwards she was telling me about her sister that went through the same thing years ago . When I told her that I was learning to find God and such after she kept saying how close to God she was , she replied with , " Well , you know never know . . . maybe this is God telling you watch out . And this is what happens when you don 't have faith . " I was in shock ! I didn 't say anything and just smiled and that was it . . . but it upset me quite a bit . I went back to my desk and confided in Keimesha , as I had been doing all week . . I woke up Friday with a renewed view and energy around me . I felt okay for the first time since all this happened . And I felt upbeat . Was I doing okay ? I actually went through most of the day without crying . Even when a co - worker Melissa read Cameron 's memorial program and bookmark and started crying , I didn 't . I didn 't even cry when I explained to her what happened . Wow . . . I didn 't cry . Is this a new step ? I did cry a little bit toward the end of the day , but overall , everything felt okay . . . Cameron 's Bookmarks So , I got through my first week . And I 'm glad I 'm back in a routine . But I still can 't get over that this happened . I miss my baby . . . I miss Cameron . It 's still unbelievable that this happened . It 's unbelievable that I gave birth to my baby already and held his lifeless body in my arms . It wasn 't supposed to be like this at all . I had a talk with my manager Irene at the end of the day Friday and although she has never gone through any of this , I think she said some of the most " right " things that anyone has told me so far . Almost like she understood . She acknowledged that he was my baby . . . he was mine . That it didn 't matter whether he had lived 15 years or just the 21 weeks I had with him , he was my baby . . . the pain would have felt the same . She said people don 't understand that as mom 's , we bond with our babies in our womb . . . they 're ours and we care for them . And she actually predicted the oh so ever popular comment that all angel mommy 's seem to get . . . you can have another child . I was like , yes ! Everyone says that ! And she said she knew they would and she was surprised that other women would say that since they should know how it felt to have a child and that bond so instantly . She knew that I could never replace him . . . he was my baby . . . my first born and will never be forgotten . And I will not let him die for no reason . I will make something out of this and keep his memory alive . I never used to dream , but started once my grandma passed away in 2004 . After Mamo passed away , I 'd have such vivid dreams of her hugging me or holding my hand and I 'd actually feel it in the dream and when I woke up . It was amazing and comforting . It never made me sad . . . I felt at peace in the dreams and loved that I was able to feel her hug me again since I missed her so much . I have always been skeptical about things like this and about spirits coming to you . . . but after those dreams , I was more open to it . They felt so incredibly real ! Maybe Mamo was really coming to me since she knew how much I missed her . If anything , this would be the only way she 'd be able to come to me . My Grandpa , Aunt Elva , and Mamo After this whole tragedy and feeling the need to hold my precious baby , I was so hoping to dream of Cameron . . . but I still haven 't . The closest I 've had was when I dreamt that Puffins was cuddling with his stuffed dinosaur . I 've heard that dreams are the windows to the soul . And now , even more than ever , I 'm hoping that Cameron was talking to me in my dreams . I don 't know if this will sound crazy to others or what , but I 'm grasping . There were no complications throughout my pregnancy . Everything seemed to be going right on track and I felt good about it . I had one dream that I was breastfeeding a puppy with extremely sharp teeth , but I kept trying to breastfeed him because he was my baby . I laughed about this and told others about it . I had heard about those crazy dreams that pregnant women have . Then about a week or two before this whole fiasco happened , I had a dream that I gave birth to my baby and he looked like a real baby , but I knew he wasn 't . I knew he was a puppy even though he looked like a baby . And in that dream , I kept asking the doctors , ' Couldn 't you tell from the ultrasound ? How could you not tell something was wrong or different ? ' And then they explained to me that puppies and human babies sometimes look the same in ultrasounds and it 's hard to tell . Then , that particular dream didn 't mean anything to me . . . I just thought it was part of those crazy dreams . But once I found out on August 29 that something was wrong , that dream meant so much more to me . Was my body telling me something was wrong and was it manifesting it in my dream ? Was Cameron trying to tell me something was wrong ? Did I subconsciously know something was wrong even though everything was going great throughout my pregnancy ? Cameron , August 8 , 2011 . . . my mom noticed this picture looks like he has angel wings already . . . August 29th was a Monday . Tuesday night I told Eric I thought he left . . . I thought his heart stopped beating . In the middle of the night , I woke up scared . I told Eric that I felt like my baby was mad at me . . . I disappointed him . . . I couldn 't protect him and save him and I felt like he was staring at me , mad . I know this was probably just my mind , but I felt so terrible then . . . and so guilty . The first night in the hospital , they gave me Ambien to go to sleep . I kept having to go to the restroom and kept waking up Eric to help me . Everything was extremely groggy that night because of the medication , but Eric said as I was walking to the restroom , I started mumbling things like , " Where is my baby ? Where is my puppy ? I want my puppy dog back . . . I want my baby . " Even through the dreams , I never thought of my baby as a puppy , but I guess my mind was already associating it . . . The night I had Cameron , September 1st , I couldn 't sleep at all . Eric knocked out , but when I tried waking him up in the middle of the night , he woke up extremely startled and was looking all around the room . He didn 't tell me anything then until we went home , but he said he swore he saw Cameron standing next to him looking at me . I felt he thought he saw something . . . he thinks it was a dream , but he said Cameron was smiling . And the next day when we came home , I was closing my eyes and Eric was holding my hand and I swore I felt a tiny hand squeeze mine and quickly opened my eyes . . . but it was Eric 's hand . I couldn 't help but wonder . . . . or maybe just wish . . . that maybe that was Cameron . . . I could hope . Well , that 's kinda of been it , until recently . My Aunt Elva had a dream last weekend that completely touched me . I keep wanting to do things for baby Cameron . . . I can 't take care of him and I want to so much . I wanted to hold him and feed him and rock him and I couldn 't . . . but I still had those needs . I think that 's why I needed to do the programs and bookmarks for him and am feeling good putting together his scrapbook . . . it 's the only things I can do for him since he 's not here . Well , Elva had a dream that Cameron was in a bassinet in a room and we were all around bustling . . . trying to take care of him and get things ready for him . But there was a huge mass over him . . . kind of like a bubble and she felt it was a man . She said she felt scared , but comforted at the same time . But it grew in size and then shrunk to our size , but it was around Cameron . Cameron was facing away from us , but she said he turned his head and he jet black hair . She saw his face and his little mouth and she felt him tell her something along the lines of , ' You can 't take care of me anymore . I 'm with my Father and he 's taking care of me . I 'm okay . You can 't do anything for me . I 'm being taken care of . " Wow . Just wow . She cried telling me this and I cried . Could that be Cameron talking to her to comfort me ? Does he know how much I 'm hurting for him ? I pray every night he doesn 't . . . I don 't want him to know how much I 'm hurting . . . I want him to be happy and not worry . But that dream gave me some sense of security that I hadn 't had . Maybe , through all things of logic , just maybe the dreams are a window to him . . . and that 's the only way he can tell me he 's okay . I 'd love to believe that . Wouldn 't you ? Someone posted this and I fell in love with it . I thought it said it perfectly . I 'm so scared that people are going to forget that I had a son . . . I had a baby . I don 't want this to be forgotten , so this spoke so much to me . They also had one for Grandparents and Uncles and such . . . I gave those to my brothers and parents so they can remember they too are uncles and they too are grandparents . . . even though we all lost our first baby in the family . They had a Walk to Remember today at the Grotto . . . sort of a church with a courtyard to meditate and pray and light candles this morning . But I wasn 't able to go . I went later on in the afternoon and lit a candle for Cameron . . . and Puffins , of course . As soon as we walked in there was a statue of Jesus holding a little boy . . . I wasn 't expecting that and just broke down . I couldn 't stop crying . And loud crying too . . . it caught me off guard . But it was something that spoke words to me and that I needed . I think that was the first visualization of my baby being held by Jesus . . . and me realizing it was probably like that . Eric and I prayed for Cameron and I found little golden charm of a baby . . . I 'm thinking it was probably left over from this morning , but I love that I found one . We then walked along the trail and saw another statue of Jesus sitting next to a woman crying and clutching her heart necklace . . . and Jesus was holding a tiny baby . Oh , wow . . . this was me ! ! ! I had my necklace that I clutch all the time . . . and he had my baby . MY baby . Why does he have my baby ? Again , I just broke down again . . . I touched the baby and kept asking why . . . why , why , why ? Why did you take my baby ? It was weird . . . I looked at Jesus 's face and eyes and it seemed like he was staring at me and for the first time , I kind of felt anger toward him . . . You did this . You took my baby . I 'm sorry if this will offend people , but I felt like hitting the statue . . . hitting his head . . . I just felt so much anger all of a sudden . Why did you take my baby ? He was mine ! I should be holding him . . . he shouldn 't be just a memory . And hardly a memory at that . . . I have so little of him and it 's just not fair . I know others say that God gives us babies and life and it 's his to take away . . . saying like Cameron wasn 't mine at all , but he was . He was from me . . . He needed me and I needed him . So , why ? I just kept looking at the statue and touching the baby 's face and wondering why . It was a beautiful statue though . . . and I am glad it was there . I 'm sure it will be a place for me to go back to for Cameron . I spent a lot of today crying . . . and a lot of it was for Puffins . It just seemed like everything was hitting me head on . I kept thinking of the way Puffins would look at me . She looked at me liked she loved me . You could just tell by the looking on her face . I thought about how we would go to sleep and she would jump on my chest and lay right on it . How she 'd roll her eyes at my mom . And how she had such a distinctive meow when she needed to . She was my princess and she knew it . I 'd always call out for her in the backyard when she wasn 't home , and within five minutes , she was at the french doors waiting to be let in . She was my baby . . . my earth angel . And now she 's with my baby Cameron . All day it was bothering me about how she may have passed . . . I couldn 't get passed it . I couldn 't get over the fact that she may have suffered . . . I couldn 't imagine my princess suffering . I kept looking at pictures of her and I just couldn 't see her having buzzards around her and to be disgraced like that . I kept wondering , how can I get over this now ? How can I just forget this ? I want to ! But I couldn 't . The more and more I thought about it and talked about it with Eric , I think we came to a reasoning of what may have caused her death . . . and it 's the only thing that makes sense to me . . . and even more , it gives me comfort . We think she knew she was passing and went to hide , like cats do , to go . She went to her favorite space under the shed at the neighbors and probably passed Friday or Saturday . . . hopefully , in her sleep and painlessly . Saturday night was the terrible storm that flooded a lot of yards and she was pushed out by the water . And Sunday , the neighbor saw the buzzards and that night I had the dream . It doesn 't make sense that should would just be lying in the backyard in the open . . . the neighbor has no dogs and there 's no reason for that . Or that she didn 't come home before the storm . . . she always made it home before , she knew when it was coming . Once we came to this conclusion , it 's given me some comfort . And the dreaPosted by It was January 22 , 1999 and I was at home and heard the doorbell ring . I was 16 and at my parents home . I opened to door to see my boyfriend at that time , Ryan , standing there . He pulled something out of his pocket and there was a tiny black and white kitty sitting in the palm of his hand ! My own cat ! I fell in love with her instantly . And I knew her name already . . . Puffins . Celeste was added for her middle name because she was angelic to me and it meant heavenly . She was my earth angel for the last 12 years . I got her name out of a National Geographic magazine when I was in 7th grade . I loved the name of that animal and always said when I got my own cat , I 'd name it Puffins . And there was my Puffins . She was just wonderful . She loved me and was always with me . She 'd sleep with her head on my shoulder and then run down the hall in the morning and jump into my arms . I went away to college and my parents told me she cried for me every night . But when I 'd come home , it 'd be like nothing had changed . Even though I went away many times , she 'd always be there , like usual , when I came back . She never forgot our bond . I never forgot her . . . I literally thought of her every single day . I always said I wanted to be cremated when I died and wanted her ashes to be mixed with mine . I had planned to cremate her too . Recently I had been worried about her . . . I 'm not sure why , but I had been . I kept hoping that if she was going to pass , that she would do it at home , so I could hold her little body . My mom always told me how cats run away to pass and I just didn 't want her to do that . She was about 12 years old now . . . but she seemed pretty healthy . Yesterday Eric and I went and put flyers with her picture up around the neighborhood . This afternoon I got a call from a neighbor about a block down saying they had been feeding a cat that looked like her for the last two days . . . there was hope ! We drove there , but it wasn 't her . So , I was in my parents backyard calling her while Eric was watering Cameron 's tree when the backyard neighbor asked me what cat I was looking for . I told him Puffins , my black and white cat . The old man walked toward the fence to me and looked sad . . . he said he was conflicted about telling me and saw her flyers hung up , but said that day after the storm , which was Saturday night , he saw a lot of buzzards in the yard next to his and he was sure they were around Puffins body . . . I just stared at him . . . and asked him if the cat he saw was fluffy , because she wasn 't . I needed to make sure and he said no . . . he couldn 't see her face , but after he saw the flyer , he was sure . Only two black and white cats ever went to his yard and he 's seen the other since the storm , but not her anymore . . . and she was the one on the flyer . It made sense . . . Puffins went missing about Thursday or Friday . . . Saturday night was the storm . . . Sunday he saw the buzzards and had the dream she was with snuggling with Cameron 's stuffed animal . And she always jumped over the fence at that area . . . so that would be the place she would be found . So my Puffins is gone . . . I hate that this happened now . I just hate it . After Cameron , I was finding my way to God . I 'm trying to . . . . I 'm praying every night with Eric . . . we 're reading the bible every night . And we want to start going to church . The only way I can get through losing Cameron was having faith that I could see him again on the other side . But now Puffins is gone . . . all within a little more than a one month period . People say that she 's just a cat and some people can 't understand . . . others may . But for 12 years I thought of her as my baby . I cared about her like one , I thought about her like one , and I worried about her like one . Yeah , it 's not on the scale like Cameron . . . but it 's a different type of love . And true love . It 's real and I can 't understand why two of the most precious one 's in my life are taken from me so close in time . First my Cameron which no one should ever have to go through . . . the loss of a child is one that nothing can compare to . But now Puffins . . . which I just cherished for so long . I keep hoping that she didn 't suffer . But I wish I knew how she went . Was it the storm ? Was she hurt ? Did she think about me and wonder why I wasn 't there to save her ? Or was she sick and she went like mom always said . I hope it 's the last . . . I didn 't want her to suffer . I can 't imagine her suffering . . . I keep thinking that maybe she was taken from me to give to Cameron . Maybe God wanted Cameron to be with her ? But why ? I needed her right now . . . I 'm still hurting . But maybe Puffins was taken to him to show Cameron how much I could love since I loved her so much . Cameron never got to feel my love . . . I wasn 't able to hold his live body or kiss him or fall asleep with him . But I was with Puffins . I miss my Cameron so much . . . soooo much . I now think the dream I had Sunday where Puffins was with Cameron 's dinosaur , sleeping with him , was maybe her giving me comfort . . . telling me she 's with him . At least I hope it is . I can only hope there is a purpose for this . . . otherwise , why put me through so much pain in such a short time . . . It 's been about five days since my beloved cat , Puffins Celeste , has gone missing . What else can go wrong ? I received Puffins as a gift when I was 16 and since then , she was my world . I even put her name on my class ring in high school ! I took her for my senior pictures also and have just adored her . She was my baby for the last 12 years . On Friday I was told that she hadn 't been home . . . I was worried , but not too worried . She 's done this before . But then there were rainstorms and it 's been cooler than usual . . . anything lower than 75 degrees and she thinks it 's cold . That 's when I got worried . Eric and I went around the neighborhood calling her and looking for her . I was glad I didn 't see her in the middle of the street or something . . . so at least I knew she wasn 't run over or anything . . . but then again , I couldn 't find her at all . My mom was saying that she thinks she also lives at another house and maybe she was there . All I can hope is that maybe that 's still a possibility . . . And then Monday night , I had a dream that Puffins was in the washroom on the table snuggling with Cameron 's stuffed dinosaur . I woke up thinking that maybe that was showing me that she was with Cameron in heaven . And all I could think of was why ? ? ? Cameron was already taken from me too soon , so why take Puffins now ? ! But maybe she 's with Cameron . . . so Cameron can take care of her while they 're waiting for me . . . I hope not . I didn 't want Cameron to go so quickly . . . and I didn 't want Puffins to go now . Not yet . Two weeks ago my parents went to Cabo and I stayed at their home . Puffins was in bed with me the whole time and I got to cuddle with her and hear her purr like I used to . I was so glad I got to do that with her recently since I hadn 't in such a long time . Eric even noticed and Puffins was just loving it . When I woke up the next morning too , she was already waiting for me and jumped right on the bed . Puffins , I hope you 're okay . . . I 'm praying for you all the time too that you 'll return safely home . I miss you . . . if not , I hope you didn 't suffer . . . and I hope you 're now with my baby , so both my babies are together and my Cameron has my most beloved cat of all . Puffins can show Cameron how much love his mommy can give . I 'm not saying bye to her just yet . . . I still have hope and please send out good thoughts . I didn 't want my baby Cameron to be gone , he wasn 't supposed to be . So , please don 't take Puffins right now . . . this year is just not going well . . . BTW , I went to the doctor today and so far all the tests have come out negative . . . good and bad . I want to know what caused my sons death , but then again , if everything is negative so far , that means that it most likely is a chromosome problem , which means this is extremely unlikely to ever happen again . It was just a fluke of nature than . . . Nature is cruel . I 've noticed that ever since this whole tragedy happened , I 've met some people that seem to be there just at the right time . It seems meant to be . For instance , today , I met a woman , I think her name was Maria . I went to Mission Park Funeral Chapels by my apartment today with Eric to get my necklace filled with Cameron 's ashes . He was cremated at Puente and Son 's and although they did an excellent job and have been and still are super supportive , this was closer and Puente and Son 's gave me a necklace too . . . so I didn 't want to take a different one to them to fill . . . I thought it may be rude . By the way , Puente and Son 's called Eric several weeks ago to check up on me . . . they were still concerned over me and told me they wanted to give me a necklace to fill . . . I thought it was so nice and made me happy . It 's a beautiful charm . . . a bronze baby angel . But there was a necklace I had already had my eyes on of a mom hugging a baby that I could have engraved with Cameron 's name and birthday . Isn 't it just beautiful ? I love that I can have him around me all the time now . I was at first against putting his ashes in a necklace . . . afraid I may lose it or something . But I started feeling guilty leaving the house too . . . I felt like I was leaving him behind . And I start work in a couple of days . . . I felt I needed to do this . So , they sent me the necklace with a kit to transfer the ashes , but I didn 't trust myself to transfer myself . So , I called Mission Park and they said they could help . We went there and were sitting waiting for them to do the transfer . . . when a lady came and started talking about the rain . I mentioned since September 17th it had been raining . . . which was the day we planted Cameron 's tree for his memorial in my parents yard . And it seemed perfect to keep raining since new trees need all the rain , ya know . . . She asked if my son was a baby and I said yes . . . September 1st , he was still born . She told me sorry and said that happened to her also . Her daughter would have been 32 years old this year . She seemed so warm and caring . Her daughters name was Erika and was 8 pounds and so many ounces . She had to get a hysterectomy right afterwards and was unable to have anymore children . How sad , I thought . . . right now I can 't imagine not having a child to take care of . . . I want to take care of my baby . She said it felt like the end of the world . . . I started tearing up and I saw tears come down her face too . She buried her baby and she still visits her grave site . All I could think of was , wow . . . . 32 years later and she 's still hurting . . . she 's still thinking of her baby she lost . This was also comforting to me , as well . . . to know that I will still think of my baby years and years from now and he still will be considered my baby . He will never be replaced and people still think of their children they lost . She asked if she could give me a hug ; I was aching for one , actually . She leaned over and hugged me and we had a very heartfelt hug . We talked a bit more and asked me for my name and address . . . it seems they have a Christmas service with paper angels on the Christmas tree with names on them . She wanted to send me an invitation when that time comes around . It sounded perfect to me . I left there feeling a comfort I hadn 't felt in a long time . I felt like I met the right person at the right time . An angel in disguise . I met one in the hospital too . . . a nurse named Sylvia who told me about her eight babies she had lost . . . during my time in need , it made me feel like someone else was with me too . I hate that these angels have to exist . . . but it helps . . . no one should have to feel this pain , but it 's here and won 't go away . Our babies won 't come back , but it something that we have to live with . . . a new way of living without our babies here on earth . I understand people don 't know how to react when something like this happens to someone . I tried to put myself in their shoes and wondered how I would have reacted to someone . I don 't know if I would know what to do . So , that 's why I am able to excuse what some people have said to me . I know they are trying to be helpful and when they say something to me , they think it 's making me feel better , when in reality , it just hurts more . Some examples . . . My mother . . . something may have been wrong with him in the end . . . or in the hospital , after I had just given birth , she starts talking about someone else that just had a healthy baby . I was too drugged up to tell her anything . Or at my home the weekend I came home from the hospital , Eric 's sister - in - law was there and she had a baby two months ago . My mom ends telling her congratulations for the new baby and stuff . I just had Cameron two days before this . . . and I couldn 't get a congratulations . . . my baby wasn 't cause for a celebration because of the situation . Eric 's mother . . . Maybe you 'll have twins next time . He 's lucky and in heaven or something like that . This is one of my pet peeves of a lot of people . . . God has a reason , It wasn 't meant to be . . . something along those lines . God gave me this baby to carry so he knew I would love him . Why take him from me then ? This doesn 't make me feel better . Or within a week of coming home , she calls and is asking Eric about a vacuum and asking him why he hasn 't done anything . . . um , our baby was born still not even a week ago ? We 're still grieving ! But then tells him we just need to heal . . . basically , get over it and move on . This still angers me to this day and I still haven 't spoken to her yet . It 's a month and 8 days after right now and I 'm still grieving and still missing him . And I can 't imagine this ending anytime soon . He 's my baby , my son . Eric 's Grandma . . . She was a comfort to me at first , but then we she came to San Antonio , I realized that she didn 't understand what had happened . She made excuses for people that acted terrible . . . like Eric 's dad . And after only being home for one day from the hospital , she made a comment saying that it looked like I lost weight . While I know she didn 't mean this to be bad , I took it terrible . I pulled Eric aside and told him that of course I had just lost weight ! I just gave birth to my baby boy ! I don 't have him anymore ! My Dad . . . asking me if I wanted to go pick out a gift for my new nieces baptism . Really ? Then two days later asking me if I wanted to go . I just got mad then and asked him why he would ask me that . It had only been about two weeks . He said he just thought I 'd want to go and pray for Cameron also . I got up and walked out . Little did I know that my mom had already warned him about asking me and told him not to , but he still did . Eric 's dad . . . WHILE I was in the hospital and had just given birth to my angel , he calls that night since he was in town and is wanting to stay at our apartment and take a shower . He was still asking Eric if he was going to go home after Eric repeatedly kept saying he was staying in the hospital . Then asked if the baby 's heart was beating . . . really ? I just thought this was terrible . . . after what we 're going through , he 's still wanting a place to stay and shower . And Eric 's grandma understood this . There were plenty more people just saying it was meant to be and everything happens for a reason and bs like that . I got pregnant for a reason and I was supposed to have him to take care of . You 're young , you 'll have another child . Um , I didn 't want another one . I wanted him ! He 's my baby ! I can 't just replace him ! The worst from my former friend Sarah . . . I strongly believe you get what you put out in the world . Uh . . . what the heck is that supposed to mean ? ? ? ! That I or Cameron deserved this ? That I caused my baby 's death ? No . I love him and I 'm a good person . Or people comparing this to abortions or stuff . . . people telling me their abortion stories . . . this is not like that . I did not choose this . So , that 's my rant . Since then , I found out I was having a precious baby boy . A precious boy that would fill my life with adventure and love and show me how to care for someone so much that I would do anything for . I went and bought clothes and looked at cribs and felt my clothes tightening along with the hardness in my stomach . I felt the uncomfortableness in my stomach while sleeping and the sickness every morning . Oh ! And I don 't forget about that constant backpain ! But through all that , I was so excited to have this baby inside of me . To be able to see his face and see how he 'd look at me and know how much he 'd be spoiled even though I said he wouldn 't . I know I would have been the BEST mom ever . August 27th I went to the 3D ultrasound and invited my parents . They still were unable to get a good picture and his heartbeat was at 118 . All other times it was about 160 , so I wasn 't too worried . My baby seemed to be lazy ! He was just sleeping . . . that 's all . I was 20 weeks at this point . Five months . I still hadn 't felt him move , but I read that new moms can take up to 21 weeks to feel him . The 3D tech didn 't seem worried , so even though I was , I felt it was just my normal worrisome ness . Then Monday , the 29th , I was making the baby shower list and e - mailing Elissa about what I wanted . . . when I got the call from my doctor . He told me that the ultrasound tech called him and told him she felt there were some abnormalities . . . what ? ? ? I didn 't think I was hearing right . Abnormalities ? But she 's not a doctor . . . she could be wrong , right ? He agreed , but said they sometimes could tell things and it 's best to check it out asap . I was in shock . Complete shock . I , at first , thought I 'd work throughout the day and just make a doctors appointment . But , literally , second by second , it started affecting me more . I e - mailed Eric right away and told him to answer my call right now . I stood up and told my lead , Scarlett , I needed to leave . I think I started crying at that point . . . I don 't remember , but I 'm sure I did . When it came out , it just hit me . She saw me and someone was working on her computer at her desk and just told me okay . I think we were short staffed that day so no one was available to take calls , so she put on my headset that she didn 't know how to work . I told her I 'd sign in , but she just told me to go and seemed like she understood . She knew something was wrong . I walked quickly out of the building in shock . . . not knowing what to do . . . I was in a daze . I called Eric 1 , 2 , 3 times and no answer . My gosh ! Why wasn 't he answering ? There were gardeners out there and I was afraid they 'd hear me . That they 'd wonder why I was crying . . . why was this girl crying at work ? So unprofessional ! So , I tried to stay as hidden as I could , but it was hard . Eric finally called me back and I told him what happened . I started crying . He told me to leave right now to the apartment and he 'll meet me there . I was glad he did that because I didn 't know what to do . I honestly think I would have tried to go back to work . . . what was I thinking ? ? ? ! I hung up and called my manager Monique to tell her what was going on . In the middle of that call I got a call from my doctors office telling me they made an appointment with a high risk specialist for me at 1 : 15 PM or something like that . I agreed and called my manager back telling her that I needed to leave and if she could bring my purse at my desk out to me . I couldn 't go back in there like this . . . I was crying so much . How could this be happening ? Everything was perfect and there were no complications at all ! From then on , I met Eric at the apartment . . . those two hours of waiting for the doctors appointment seemed like the longest two hours ever . We went to the doctors office with my parents meeting us . I felt bad for them being there because I didn 't think anything would happen and it was such a long wait . We finally got seen and two hours we were told that my baby had a major heart defect . I cried . . . is this for sure ? Yes , it was . It was significant . Significant . His heart would stop beating soon and I would have to deliver him when that happened . Really ? I 'd have to go through a labor and delivery still ? Yes . That was Monday . . . Tuesday night I think his little heart stopped . . . Wednesday I had a doctor 's appointment at 11 AM which confirmed he was gone . . . my baby was gone . I only had less than four months left . . . but he left early . There was no hope any longer . No more hope at all . I went to hospital right after that appointment , checked in , and delivered him the next evening . At 6 : 13 PM . One pound , One ounce , 10 Inches . . . my baby . Cameron Conrad Exon - Garcia . He had his dad 's mouth and feet , and had my lips and nose . I got to hold him for a moment . Those memories will be the most precious of my whole life . I was in such distress . . . I still am . I miss him every minute of every day . I think about him constantly . I was 21 weeks and four days . Over halfway there . I have his foot and handprints as memories . They 're beautiful and I look at them all the time . I still don 't understand why this happened . I was looking forward to him and would have made sure he was happy . I still don 't understand why this happened to me . I don 't think I ever will . I do know that he 's my angel and I will never ever forget him . I love him more than words can ever express . And I will make sure that his future brothers and / or sisters will know him also . They will always remember him and he will be honored for the rest of my life . Just because my son isn 't here with me on earth , I will still celebrate him and honor his as best I can . I wish things would have turned out differently . . . oh , how i wish . I wish I could have been waking up to him screaming in the middle of the night , feeding him , changing his diaper , being his Santa Claus . . . but I can 't . But how lucky am I told have held an angel ? Very . I lost my baby boy , Cameron , on September 1 , 2011 . I went through labor and delivery and held my angel . This is me working through it .

The daughter of educators , Sarah Frances Smith was born in Illinois and graduated from Wellesley College , Class of 1918 . She came to Stamford in 1926 as Director of Adult Education in the Stamford public schools , a position she held for 34 years . Before coming to Stamford she was employed as an organizer at the Bureau of Adult Education , New York State Department of Education at Albany and then as Director of Americanization for the Haverhill , Massachusetts , public schools . Under her direction , the Stamford adult education program expanded from a few night classes in English and citizenship to become an extensive program with classes designed to meet the needs and interests of a broad cross section of adult residents of Stamford . As a pioneer in education for foreign - born adults , a field that developed rapidly immediately after the First World War , Sarah Smith both drew on the work of others and developed her own educational methods . She believed that education is the key to a better life for everyone , regardless of age , sex , or background . Why did I select Adult Education ? It wasn 't always Adult Education . It started with Immigrant Education . As a career , there is a good deal of background that brought me to it , sort of prepared the way . I graduated from Wellesley in 1918 , during World War I . My major was literature . I had Katherine Lee Bates , who called me " Sarah Frances . " She was a wonderful teacher . I majored in social work . I had done some volunteer work for the Troy Times who had a camp for the underprivileged children , and during the summer vacations I went out and volunteered for a month . It wasn 't my first contact with foreign people because I lived in Chicago . My mother was a Midwesterner . My father was born on Hudson Street in New York , but the two met in Illinois . Wellesley was founded in 1875 , and I was born in 1895 , so it was to be Wellesley . I was born in northern Illinois . I 'm a Midwesterner . My father 's father worked in a roping concern in New York , and they moved out to St . Louis , where he met my mother . And they used to have the boat rides on the Mississippi for dancing and all that in the days that were really " St . Louis . " She worked in an art shop and lived with an uncle who had three girls , which meant that there was a lot of social activities . I was taken back there and baptized in the Episcopal Church on the street where she had lived as a young girl . She went on the Mississippi boats , and I think I have a card case now in my china cabinet that the boy friend gave her on one of these occasions . [ chuckles ] She later became a teacher , and my father was in education from the beginning . She lived in a small town in southern Illinois , which was founded by the English in 1818 , very near the community of New Harmony , which was a free - thinking kind of a literary colony , and it was very near my mother 's home . I 've been over to see New Harmony . My father , being from the east had come to the west . They were married in Albion and went up to northern Illinois , where I was born . He was always in public school work . He began as a teacher , as a teacher in the country schools around Albion , where my mother lived ; he knew her brothers . She had four brothers , and that was where they met . He was in the country day school . Then he had a chance to go way up in the northern part of Illinois , Warren , where he was still a teacher . Then we moved down near Chicago , Crystal Lake , Illinois , where he became the principal of the high school . Then from there , we went on the other side , to East Chicago , where there were the steel works and where I had my first contacts with foreign born , because these were Russians , Polish , and all who were in the steel mills . They went to public schools , of which my father was the superintendent . Oh , yes . I probably did , but I can 't remember . I 'm not good at memory today . Of course I knew all about it , because we were very near , 20 miles , I think , from Chicago . It was there where I first became interested , shall we say , in foreign born , because most of these children had never seen anything . They were the poor workers that got the dirty work and the least pay in these steel mills that were in East Chicago and Hammond , Indiana . It was an area of that kind . Johnnie Polumchuk , that I mentioned before , [ before the interview ] was the Polish boy that got perfect attendance . These people had never had chocolate before , and so my mother made hot chocolate and a birthday cake and had it down in the room . And I gave , in my name , the head of the " Laughing Boy , " it is a lovely sculpted head of a boy . I can 't give you the name , but I gave that to the room as a mark on my birthday . My father was like this . He insisted that there be beautiful pictures in the halls . He 'd go out and raise money to buy these pictures for schools that he had . He was superintendent in Indiana , at East Chicago . From East Chicago we went to Indianapolis where I went into high school . I used to pass by James Whitcomb Riley House . It was a great literary area , Indianapolis . My father headed the first trade school in the area . It was called Winona Technical Institute . The first linotypes were taught at this trade school . There was a foundry and there was a library school . These were jobs , learning how to be a foundryman and so forth . It was rather a new idea at that time . Then we moved to Boston . This was in the area where my father came from . His background was Beverly . His father was one of five boys and four girls . His father was from that big family in Beverly and fought in the Civil War . There 's a whole book about the 35th Infantry in the Boston Historical Society , and my grandfather was in that and his name is in the book . John Grove Smith . He was born in Beverly . Then he went to Phillips Exeter at Andover and met my grandmother Sarah , for whom I 'm named . They had two boys and two girls . There 's nobody left on either side of my family . I 'm completely alone . That 's the New England part of me , and my mother 's side of it is of the English coming into Illinois . New Harmony was very near , that was the free - thinking society , you may recall . Robert Dale Owen . And it is still possible to visit . So that 's where the family began . Pendery : Only child . I don 't think I was spoiled . If I got a reprimand or spanking in school , I 'd get another one when I got home . [ chuckles ] The teachers were told , although my father was principal of the school , to pay no attention to that . If I needed discipline , I got it . I think that sometimes I got it more than I deserved , I don 't know ! [ chuckles ] As I say , I was born in ' 95 and Wellesley was born in ' 75 , and when I came , she said it was her aim that I go to Wellesley , which I did . I graduated in ' 18 with not a clear idea of what I would do . I liked people , like my father . My mother was equally aware of people . She was as concerned about the cleaning women as my father was about people . When he came to Boston , he became the Director of Education for the YMCA , Massachusetts and Rhode Island . He had to develop a program of education . From there he was called to Troy , New York , to a technical high school , and that was while I was in college . When I graduated , we were at war , in ' 18 , the war was going to end before ' 19 , but it was still going on . I thought I would like to go into private school , college , and teach literature . But my other field was social work . So that summer I was home trying to recuperate from college , for one thing , and get my feet on the ground . And I came to New York with my father . Now , there were many jobs for women in those war years . You could get a job . There were plenty of them , in other words , for women , because during that war women had more opportunities for work and jobs than they 'd ever had before . So I suppose that was in the back of my mind , but I came into New York and looked around , and I was offered several . The Girls ' Friendly was one and the other was the YWCA , and I forget what the other one was . I took the YWCA . That , you see , was in the social field , social work . Over in Bush Terminal war work was going on . A lot of women were taking the places of men in war jobs of manufacturing . Bush Terminal was a big plant at Second Avenue and 40th Street in Brooklyn . All the girls that were in the Y . W . were college girls like myself . So the Y . W . took a building and a cafeteria and lounges , on the other side of the cafeteria . There could be clubs . There they developed classes of knitting , classes of discussion , in other words , those who didn 't have any place to go at night could be there . And they gave the Bush employees a decent place to eat . Now the war was going on . I was as green as grass . The birds and the bees didn 't mean a thing to me , and I lived , believe it or not , up at 138th and Morningside Drive . And I worked over at Second Avenue and 40th Street , used to come in at 2 o ' clock in the morning to Times Square and take the subway out of Times Square up to 125th and got off and walked through the Columbia campus and over to Morningside , and never thought a thing about it . If I saw the light in the corner store , I knew I was all right . I lived there that year , and of course loved New York . Now back to my father . He had been a friend of Dr . John Findlay for many , many years . He was the Commissioner of Education in the [ New York ] State Department of Education in Albany and he had kept the friendship with my father for all the years . He was an Illinois man , and my father married an Illinois woman , so that brought them together . He was Commissioner of Education , and when he retired from that , he went to the New York Times , and he was editor until he retired permanently . In the meantime , in ' 18 and the summer that I graduated , we were getting to the close of the war , suddenly America became aware of the millions of foreign born who were in our country , who were in war plants producing for war and didn 't speak English , couldn 't read English , and they lived in their own little communities , but were a great labor force . Then , of course , we became very scared - the whole government and our war set up - that maybe these were enemy aliens . How did we know but that they might be fadduddling against us . So there was a great stir in America by the government and other leaders that something had to be done for the foreign born to learn English and become Americanized and citizens . They needn 't have worried . I don 't know the percent , but there was nothing like that among our foreign born . They were devoted to America . They gave their sons , a great many of them . But this stir within the Washington headquarters of education , the Department of Education , brought a great deal of worry . And there was , over the whole country , among educators , a stir that something had to be done to teach these people English and become adapted to America . They thought there were hundreds of them who were spies and all this business . We are going through worse than that now ! Being a friend of Dr . Findlay 's , Dr . Findlay chose my father to head up the department in the New York State Department of Education . He had the background , and Findlay knew that he 'd been in communities where there were foreign born . He had these friends that were foreign born , and so appointed my father . Well , the war stopped , and I came back from New York to Albany to live . They had moved to Albany from Troy , and my father had set up a department . I hadn 't wanted to be necessarily a teacher , but I was glad to be in public education . So I took the exam in New York and was okay , and then they had state universities , like Albany has a state university . There were plenty in Boston . Of course , New York was the greatest center for foreign born . It was filled , as it is today . He started courses at the state [ university ] , and I took that course , passed the state exam , and then I was given the job of organizer in the state department under one of my father 's two assistants , both of whom were women . And so I reported directly to them , but I was still , of course , under my father . I was given a most interesting job in the Mohawk Valley . There 's Utica , there 's Rome , where the onions [ grow ] . Utica , sheeting . Little Falls was , I think shoes , partly , and then you worked right down to Albany , and all of those were industrial areas on the Hudson River . It was my job as an organizer to go into Utica . I 'd go first to the superintendent , make an appointment and go in and say that I represented the new Department of Immigrant Education . It was more widely known as Americanization , and it went on all across our country because the national set up of education was pushing all public schools to begin this teaching of the foreign born within their midst . So I would go into a superintendent and say that I was a representative from the State Department of Education who were organizing throughout the state , classes of teaching English to foreign born . Would they put on such a program ? The state would train the teachers for teaching this . It was a new form of teaching languages . It 's used now a great deal in schools . There , it was by action . Then if he said that he would , I said that the state will pay for the training of the teachers if you get the teachers that want to do this . Then I went to manufacturers in the town and sat as close to the president as I could get and said that the public schools are going to open evening classes for teaching of the foreign born that are not yet citizens or cannot speak English . Then I went to the priest , whether it was Catholic , Protestant , Greek , whatever it was . Will they support the program ? Then I went to the manufacturers . Would they be interested in promoting this by signs in their halls and getting the leadership in their factories to see that they would go to school ? There would be some state support . I 've forgotten what the support was , but there was a certain amount of return from the state if they put on the right kind of program . I did that all up the Mohawk Valley , which was a wonderful process of training , and then I had to keep my thinker on . How were the teachers doing , and if they opened the classes , had they done the publicity and so forth ? As long as I was in the department , it was my responsibility to see how they were doing , if they were producing , if there were foreign people coming out . Pendery : Oh , yes . These were all big foreign settlements , you know , and the thing had been widely spread that how did we know that these were not enemy aliens . It wasn 't true , but it was one way of pushing the board to do this kind of thing . So I did that down to Albany : Utica , Canajaharie , the Bate rug place and the Brake broom place , and Little Falls was shoes . That I did . I stayed with the department for two years under Miss Whipple , who was my immediate supervisor . Then I had a chance to go to Haverhill , Massachusetts , to improve their set up . Of course I had lived in Melrose , so I knew the Boston area pretty well . In fact , during my stay here in Stamford I was offered to take the state department director for Massachusetts , but I didn 't want it . I preferred to stay here , so I stayed here . That was wonderful experience in Haverhill . It was a shoe town , you know . It made shoes , and then shoes moved all out to the far west where they could get the leather much easier . I built it up there . I taught afternoon classes of Greek mothers , where we 'd go over to the window and yell down , " Come on up ! The teacher 's here ! " We 'd gather around the kitchen table or whatever . Of course I went to all their festivities . [ interruption ] So then at Haverhill the shoe business was wiped out . It was taken right out of their hands and moved to the Midwest where they could get leather much easier . I built up the school there , but it was a New England town and it was a little bit harder to sell in New England . They are staid in their ways and feeling and to take initiative - We were a great shoe center and wealthy people had lost their homes and so forth . Of course , my father was well known as one of the first directors and he was president of the Association of Directors of Adult Education in state departments all over the country . And he was a wonderful guy , a wonderful guy . Bob Deming was the head in Connecticut . He lived in New Haven . He wanted me to come to Stamford , and my folks were down at Marshfield , down on The Cape [ Cod ] , and he called me , and I said , " Oh , Stamford . " I ate at the Greek restaurant on the square . Do you remember those Greeks that had that restaurant ? It 's all torn down now . Halliday : Was that Cacavel 's ? Oh , I had a room with a brass bed and a bird 's eye maple bureau . I think I had a fireplace . It was all right . I 've lived in that triangle , you see . Yes . I ate downtown in the restaurants . We had school , of course , at Burdick . I first went in as just immigrant education , the teaching of immigrants . Pendery : No , I was the director . I didn 't do any teaching unless I had to take over or demonstrate or something like that . I was the director and I didn 't have the teaching to do , although I gave courses on it because I knew the people who had written the courses . I liked teaching . I taught home classes to get them started . Our budget couldn 't afford it , so I took afternoon classes for Jewish women and did some out in The Cove until we established a group of teachers . Miss Flora Mix was one , and they went out to the homes in the afternoon to teach . We had them over at the Cove School , Hart School . If we could have one in the school building , it was fine , but if it wasn 't , we 'd go to the homes and have it around the kitchen table . Pendery : When I ended , I had over 80 teachers , and our budget was very much improved . I came in at the first as only immigrant education . I took care of the non - English speaking , and then they asked me if I would take over the general , so I established the whole program , which went from interior decorating to how you discuss sex with your children to all kinds of offerings . I was involved with forming the The Stamford Forum , because I went into New York . What 's that place on 43rd Street ? It was a sort of forum . What did they call it ? I think it 's still going , but it was a hall for lectures . And I 'd been in there to take a course about other countries . We had speakers about each foreign country . I went in on Wednesday afternoons . Oh , I can 't remember . I don 't know . It couldn 't have been in the ' 30 's . It must have been in the ' 40 's , because my department had grown so , and I only had a secretary , that 's all I had , one secretary . Marcus : I established it . There was night school , but it was the ordinary night school . I mean nobody was in charge of it particularly , just the person who headed up the building . We went way beyond that : interior decorating , we went into all kinds of things that people wanted . And I cooperated with everybody . Pendery : They were just English for Foreign Born . They had typewriting and the usual evening school subjects , shorthand and those kind of commercial subjects . They had a commercial set up . I think they had some sewing . But we branched out , way out , and they got the Stamford High School diploma at the end . We had a wonderful guidance service . That guidance service was of the best , if not the best , in the state . This was a real guidance service . The board gave us permission to give a Stamford High School diploma , on work done in the evening school . I went to the priest . For instance , we had a wonderful Russian priest . And we had many refugees from Russia that settled here who were big people in their own country . I mean head of the Navy , head of this , head of that . They were of high intelligence . We had those and they slept in the St . Luke 's Chapel , some of them there . And they had a Russian church right there at the corner . And so Father Zavonchek was the minister there . I was very close to them . I mean we were great friends . We always talked with the priest . I always went to the priest and talked about it and urged him to announce the coming of it . There are some national Polish organizations , so I would see who was the head of that and try to get into one of their meetings . Pendery : They came ; they came to our schools . We had afternoon classes out at The Cove , where we had a great many Italians and Polish . We had afternoon classes for them , taught by other people than the evening school . Some of them taught evening and afternoon , that could do it . We cut out small schools , but we had them up here at Long Ridge . We had other things , too . I mean we had lecture series . We had one of them up here at Long Ridge , up across from West Hill High School , up in that school . Pendery : Well , if they couldn 't speak English they came in . Yes , there were older people that came . Many of them came to afternoon classes . They were easier for them . Oh , yes , Mrs . Gold , she 's living in my apartment now and she was in it . I was connected with their organizations , Jewish , you know , the big Jewish organization of women backed me up , and Jewish church groups did , and if I found there was a Greek [ group ] , I 'd go and tell the women there about it . I distributed all of our announcements around town . I delivered them myself , believe it or not . I put the posters up in the windows . That 's when they knew school was opening . That was a way of getting acquainted . On Pacific Street they 'd say , " Oh , school 's opening . " I 'd have one day for Pacific Street and I 'd have another for the South Pacific and then they all went out to school . John had a wonderful Polish background , and he graduated at a southern university . He was W . P . A . , and Polish background , so he and staff there started our guidance service under W . P . A . And another thing , we had a college here . We are a bit responsible for this University of Connecticut branch , because I took over at W . P . A . lots of professors who were out of jobs . We held it at the Jewish Center part of the time , and then eventually we had it in other places . Eventually , they built their set up up here . Oh , yes . We had them at the Jewish Center , and then the boys went on up to that one , when the University built it . It was Bob Bromley 's mother who headed that . She was the secretary up there . Helen Bromley , yes . She originally was down at the high school . Some of the college courses at night met there . Helen was down there , and then when they built this , of course she was moved up there . We had afternoon classes over at the West Side for Italian mothers and we had them out at Cove , and we had them over on the East Side at Rogers . We had an afternoon class there that met twice a week . And of course we had it down at the South End . What is the school there ? Pendery : Waterside School or Ryle ? They didn 't have to . I am glad you brought that up because they had developed the " direct method . " The government published these books , too . You could get them from the government . There was a new approach . The first lesson was : " My name is _________ , John Jones . I live at _________ . But the very first lesson they knew was : " I sit [ goes through motions ] ; I stand [ goes through motions ] ; and I walk to the door , " and you walked ; " I open the door . " That was the first lesson . That was all action . I WALK TO THE DOOR . I OPEN THE DOOR . The next lesson was - wait a minute , I can 't give you the second , but it carried those letters over , and then I SIT . Smith : YOU SIT . HE SITS . It was all drill on that basic thing : I sit ; I stand ; I walk to the door ; I open the door . Then it was " MY NAME IS MISS SMITH . WHAT IS YOUR NAME ? It was : MY NAME IS ROBERT . Repetition , but it was action . There were three books the government got out . There was the first book ; and then there was a second book . They learned it immediately and they used it immediately . So that was called " the direct method , " and that 's what beginners started out with . Then there was an intermediate primer , and they were pretty well into advanced then . I couldn 't tell you . You had all mixtures of backgrounds . You can 't say it was grade 1 as far as English was concerned . It wasn 't a thing that you could grade . We had beginners , intermediates , and advanced . Those were the classes that we had . Some of those went on and got their high school diplomas . Marcus : As a result of this , I 'm sure many went on also to become citizens of this country . Smith : You know who is doing my business at the Fidelity National Bank ? Marcus : A former student ? Smith : Gus Troy came to our night school . He didn 't learn English there , he 'd already been to school , but he came in and graduated with us , got his diploma . He is now one of the Second Vice Presidents of the Fidelity Title & Trust . I said , " Oh , God bless you ! Stay there for awhile ! " [ chuckles ] I lose my men that I 've known so well , that take care of me , you know . And he said , " You don 't have to come downtown . I 'll take care of you from here . " Oh , yes . They stop me on the street now . I can 't remember their names , but they still stop me . " Are you Miss Smith ? How are you ? " and so forth . I 'm just sick that I can 't recall their name , but I just can 't . Smith : Oh , they did , they did . And you will find that they are the loyal ones and they believe in America . I said to Gus - I 'm inclined to call him Gus , because that 's what I knew him as , you know . Just think , he is a vice president and he has a family and children , and he 's taking care of them . I needed somebody at the bank to advise me , you know . Even for this job , I never even got $ 10 , 000 a year , believe it or not . When I think of these people who are getting $ 20 , 000 and $ 25 , 000 and $ 30 , 000 a year - I gave everything I had , but you know , I don 't mind it . I loved it ! I never thought of it . I don 't think I bothered about my money . I just knew I was going to get $ 50 the next year , and that seemed like a big amount . Oh , have I ? Yes ! I retired in July [ 1960 ] , and we were on the way to Italy in September . For instance , in April - this is my friend who traveled with me , that I met in Mexico . I am very fond of Mexico . I met her on a trip down there and we went five times together . I have been nine times to Mexico . What am I talking about ? I love it ! I love it ! Pendery : Never got sick . There at the Reforma , which I think was ruined in this last earthquake , when we 'd arrive : " Miss Amicas ! Miss Amicas , our friends ! " And we stayed there at the Reforma and we had a wonderful time in Mexico . This same girl who went with me to Europe . She was a teacher of French language in New York , out at one of suburbs in Long island . I met her in Mexico , and we traveled there and we went abroad , the first year I got out here . When we got to Naples , then we had a lot of Italians from that area of Naples and down south , even where they had the earthquake , a man whose father had a dining room over on the West Side was in our schools . By golly , he came in to Naples and got us and took us out to his home . The name , I 've forgotten what it was , but I said , " Oh , my , the people tell me they came from here . " He had to stop and get some fancy cakes for us . He was back with his family there , living a house , on one side . It was a funny kind of house , because the apartments were here , and the store was downstairs and there was a big parking place , you know . He lived on this side and his brother lived on the other . So what a time we had ! He came in and took us out to his house . What a dinner we had ! The brother came in . I wish you could have seen the house , the Frigidaire , and he had his wines down at the bottom . [ It was ] a very , very comfortable house . Then he took us back to Naples that night , with this boy . One of his girls was in school in Naples , and the boy was home . We had a wonderful time there . Then we went on to Greece . And do you remember - I don 't know if you were here , but there was a liquor [ store ] up in Ridgeway that was owned by these two Greeks , he and his wife . They went back to Greece . They sold the business . A wonderful tie . We 'd been to their weddings and they had a lovely house on Eighth Street . They went back to Greece , and he died there . You know it is so expensive to bring bodies , she just couldn 't afford to bring him back here , so he 's buried in Greece , and she 's gone now . The Corinth Canal . I guess so . Anyway , we could touch the side , almost , and we went on this little boat . And when we got to Greece , at Piraeus where we got off , here was Kitza and another woman I had known . They caught sight of us when we were on the boat [ they threw kisses ] and what a time we had in Greece . In Athens , what parties ! We had parties and wonderful times in Greece . Then when we came back to Naples , this friend came in and met us at the boat . We had clothes that we gave him because Ruth had taken more than I had , and she gave him clothes . He and his wife and boy came in to see us off , because we were going on the Vulcania the next day over to Spain , and then we were getting the bigger boat over there . I want to go back to Candido , this Guatemalan . I went to Guatemala and had a ball , because he had sent something to Dr . Alvarado ! He walked - now they don 't walk , they run like this through their forest . They don 't walk when they are on the roads , they trot . Do you get what I mean ? They never walk like we do . They run . Of course , you see them a lot in Guatemala when you are going from town to town . So I was on a cruise to Guatemala . I think Candido wanted me to take a fruitcake to Dr . Alvarado [ chuckles ] , so I took a fruitcake to Dr . Alvarado . What a time I had there with him ! I wasn 't properly dressed for the opera , I 'm telling you . All these furs , wraps , you know , at the opera . He took me to the opera , he took me to his club . Candido was his houseboy , he took care of all the birds . He had an aviary in his hall . Candido trotted all the way down from way up here to Guatemala City . He had been influenced by the Lutherans . The Lutherans were very strong in Guatemala . In fact , one of my college classmates did the Bible in whatever language they have . She did it , and she was very devoted to Guatemala . He was up there with his mother , way up in the corner , if you look at the map . And he trotted down through the forest . He 'd hear the bears and the other things at night , and cuddle up to a tree . He did this panting . He wanted to get down to Guatemala City , so he went from his house , clear down like this , and then into Guate . I can 't give you the name of the first town he got [ to ] . But he stopped there and he went to the hospital and asked them if they had a job , and they didn 't have any , so he stayed as a houseboy for a woman . Then he finally decided he wanted to make the rest of the way to Guatemala City and he did it that way . Guatemala is very Lutheran . The Lutherans have done a whale of a lot of work , in Guatemala . I think they have written a Bible in Lutheran or something . One of my college mates was down there and did work with the Lutherans . So , he got down there , and he was very devoted to the Lutherans . That 's why I thought this church we passed today was Lutheran . I don 't know whether it is or not . Just a young boy . He could do it , but he said he used to get scared at night because of the animals in the woods . He could hear them , and he would snuggle , of course , to the tree . He got down there , and he got a job with Dr . Alvarado . He became his houseboy . He stayed there until this former ambassador from our country to Guatemala was coming home , and he brought Candido to his sister , who was this person in Darien or New Canaan , I have forgotten which , that wanted to know if Candido could come to school . So when I got there , of course , I contacted Dr . Alvarado because I had a fruitcake for him from Candido . What a time I had ! I had a ball ! He took me to the opera , and I was no more prepared clothes - wise for the opera than anything . Everybody was in furs , and here I was in a nice summer coat and so forth and so on , at least a dinner dress . And here were these wealthy people that came to this opera . I can see it , but I can 't tell you what it is . Anyway , after that he took me to his club . Royal treatment . Royal treatment . Then when Candido went down , he got the woman next to the bank , the old National Bank there on the corner . Do you remember there was cloth , a woman sold by the yard there ? Well , he went down there and got her to get him two kinds of suit cloth . So he bought it there and took it down to a tailor to make in Guatemala . Dr . Alvarado is very wealthy and his sons are the presidents of banks and all that . They gave Candido a dinner , and he announced that if Candido was ever in need , that they were to take care of him , in his name . This is what he thought of Candido . Pendery : Now , Candido came to your classes ? Smith : Oh , yes , but he 's old now . He 's close to 75 . I wish you could see when he said goodbye to me this last time . He put his arm around me at the door and said a prayer . He wanted to say a prayer for me . You know it really " floored " me . I expect I 'm not that religious , you know , but Candido wanted to put his arm around me and included thanking me for all I had done . I hadn 't done so much . But he was so trusted by Gristede 's , that he came early to the store there on Bedford Street . Down at the one at Bedford Street . They gave him a beautiful watch when he retired . They had a big doings for him in New York , and I think cousins went in from just outside New York . Matthew went , and they had a big time . Pendery : Smith : Candido Cano . Cano . C - A - N - O . They are now out in Ohio with three girls . The first one is named for me and she 's the hellion of the crowd ! [ chuckles ] I forget that I 'm on the air ! Smith : When I read this [ her notes ] , I don 't know how I did this , you know . I don 't know how I had the [ energy ] to go out nights , and we went on Washington trips . And I 'd be in the office till 5 o ' clock , throw myself on my couch , and have a nap and be down at the station at 12 , because that 's when the train arrived , picked us all up , the foreign born from all over the state , beginning up at Hartford . This would be Friday night . We 'd get there Saturday morning , and they saw everything . Pendery : Smith : Oh , all over ! They was everything . They saw Mt . Vernon , they went to the Capitol . I remember the Polish man out in the cold . He came to me and he said , " Miss Smith , Kosciusko statue in the Capitol of the United States ! " He was absolutely floored ! He found me with a group and [ said ] , " Miss Smith , Kosciusko . " His bust was in the [ Capitol ] and he couldn 't get over that . Pendery : Eighteen dollars . And we stayed at the - The hotels are no longer there , but they were on that street . Oh , an old hotel , you know , that you 'd spit at today ! [ chuckles ] And the managers told me , " We 'll be glad to have you any time . " They said , " Your people have behaved . " He said , " You get the high school groups in here and the sheets go up over the chandeliers with the lights in the center . " And he said , " Nothing like this with your crowd . They behave . " They were , but they were so impressed to be in Washington . In the Capitol of the United States ! He couldn 't get over that . He lived down at The Cove . Smith : Yes . Three days . We 'd leave here Friday night at twelve , when it [ the train ] got here . It picked them all up along the way , from Hartford . And we 'd get into Washington in the morning and have breakfast and then have our picture taken at the foot of the Capitol steps . From there on it was just one step all day . They saw everything . They couldn 't believe they could see George Washington and where he was buried and all that . It was very impressive . Pendery : Yes . There were no enemy aliens , you know . They are human people . [ interruption ] I took over the W . P . A . , which gave me a great big lot of additions that I could take over and get paid by W . P . A . , on their wages . I started the college there at the Jewish Center , which later became this branch up here . Yes . That was started in the W . P . A . They were under W . P . A . , but I was the director of it with them here , you see . We had a lot of things . We had five women that went into homes to show people how to cook new recipes and get the food from the government , you know , that was sent in . We had five of those women . They were under me . Marcus : You spoke of your term in New York State , of going to different shop and plants , telling them about the courses available . Did you do similar things here in Stamford ? I know you mentioned going to the churches and synagogues , but did you go to the factories as well ? How did you reach these plants , these manufacturing companies ? Did you go to them ? Smith : Oh , I always called on them . I finally got a chance to walk through Yale & Towne with Marshall , who lived up on Strawberry Hill , you know . I Had made an appointment with him , because they were the ones that low - paid the people , Yale & Towne . Not Pitney Bowes , but Yale & Towne . They got cheap labor from abroad , give them nothing . So I went down to Marshall . Wasn 't he the president or something ? Anyway , I asked for an appointment with him , and he took me around . I was dying to talk with the heads of the departments . I wanted to see them , you see . I wanted to see them because I wanted to talk to them , encouraging them to get into evening classes . And I got no place at all , because Marshall hung onto me and he just showed me what he wanted to . Yet , I know that their pay was rotten at the beginning , when they got these , and they were the ones who took these foreign people , when they came in , and gave them such cheap pay . And I guess I said , " Here . " Meeting them on the street and finding they were getting practically nothing and had to work only so much , and then they got hardly paid anything . I had an awful time getting into Yale & Towne , but boy ! I got in with W . P . A . There was a wonderful guy that came in , that took - Gee , I wonder who that man was ? He used to be in charge of personnel . He was a local man . I forgot him . Marcus : At Yale & Towne ? Smith : Smith : Oh . But there was a man there , a local man , and I should remember his name but I don 't . Well , he was of the old school , you know . He was going to get all he could . I didn 't get far with him . I didn 't convince him that we could have classes in the factory and everything . I didn 't get to first base . So Dow Roof was my man . He came in later as personnel . Dowell Roof . He lived in the little brick houses down there next to the railroad station that are now all gone . Do you remember the apartments down there next to the tracks on South Street ? Halliday : That big building went up there . Dow lived there , and he was great . And so he began to call me , and he 'd say , " This is Roof speaking . " And I said , " Well , this is Smith speaking . " [ chuckles ] Because he wanted more papers to be made out for citizenship , you know . He used to make them out . I said , " Dow , why don 't you let me come down and make them out ? I 'll come down at the noon hour ? " I didn 't have a noon hour , but I mean - The citizenship papers . You see , there was a law that came in that people couldn 't do war work unless they were citizens . And so I said , " Well , I 'll be glad to make them out . If they won 't come to my office , I 'll come down to you . Have you got a place for me down there ? " And he said , " Yes , I have . " So he would give me an office , and these people would come at the noon hour , and I 'd make out their papers . He was very good to me . Pendery : Smith : Oh , I didn 't have to know that . Of course , their papers were sent through the government , and they were the ones that checked that . If they said , " I arrived here at a certain time , " I took it down . The government would check on these and see that they had arrived , you see , and so forth . Then we had W . P . A . , and so I had extra teachers , you see . So I said , " What about having a class down here ? " I said , " Can you get anything together so we can have classes down here two nights a week ? " And he said , " Yes . " He got [ chuckles ] tables , and I don 't know where he got them ! And lights over the tables and things , up in his recreation hall . There were no partitions or anything . The classes were separated from each other . It wasn 't an easy thing , but we did it . He had a party at the library afterwards for them . Gee , Marshall wouldn 't any more have had a party in the working area , let alone in the special recreation hall . So , we got those men taken care of . You have to persist in those kind of things . Marcus : How long did you continue having programs down at the Yale & Towne ? I can 't remember that , I 'm sorry . And you see , all our registers were thrown away , so you wouldn 't be able to check anything . They were all burned by whoever . Isn 't it funny that I saved these . [ She is referring to copies of her annual reports , given to the Stamford Historical Society Library on this day . ] I don 't know why . I 've had them all these 25 years . I never did anything about it , you know , so I 'm glad they are in a proper place . I enjoyed it . I would be so dead tired , you know , and on weekends or like , I 'd think I could recuperate . I don 't know how I did it . Smith : Well , you see , it satisfied me , and I enjoyed it . I presume that basically it 's because I like people . I don 't know whether that 's it or not . My father was very much of that . My mother was not as much as my father , but my father knew Mary at the corner of 42nd and Madison Avenue that sold him papers , because he stayed at the hotel there , because New York was his biggest problem , you know . Of course , there were Syracuse and all the other big towns of New York State . But New York State and New York City was the entryway of most of our foreign born . So naturally , he was coming to New York . And Mary had a paper place . My father stayed at that hotel next to the station . What was it ? That 's the Biltmore ? Then that isn 't it . He was in the Biltmore , but it was next door . Mary had a newsstand at 42nd and Madison . And when my father and I were down in New York , my father had to go over and see Mary . " Mary , this is my wife and daughter . " That 's the kind of guy he was , and that is why he was good in this field , in education . He became the president of the national organization . I think he was the first director named . He went to New York every week , and he 'd see Dr . Findlay . He 'd call him , and they 'd walk New York . They went go for a morning walk , before breakfast , he and Dr . Findlay . He kept a great friendship with him . I meant to close this with this . When my mother died , she died in ' 42 , and she had said to me , that if she went first , she wanted my father to have a dog and a garden , wherever he was . So when he came to Stamford , he lived with , you know my teacher 's name , Laura Mix . She had a room . She took roomers , so she had a room and he stayed over there . I was in a small apartment there at 53 Prospect . So he had a room there and came over to me for breakfast , and dinners , too , until we could find a house . So we found a house on a nice street , there at Courtland Street . He had his dog and he had his garden . And he went in ' 43 . He was in , strange enough , a woodworking class at the high school , under my department . [ laughs ] He had a bench in the basement . That 's interesting , isn 't it ? A whole circle . When he went , he said - He called me " Sallie . " My mother didn 't like it , she wanted it to be " Sarah Frances , " but she never called me " Sarah Frances , " except when she was mad at me . [ laughs ] Pops , he said to me , " You 've been awfully good to me . " It 's interesting that the whole circle came around , because I had started with him at Albany , in his particular field , and yet he was a part of my job , at the end . Pendery : He was glad . But he used to use my bicycle , until I had to give it away . He 'd go down Strawberry Hill there in front of the high school , and the teachers would tell me when they saw him . He was 73 . The teachers would tell me . It was a girl 's bicycle [ chuckles ] , and the teachers would tell me they saw my father doing down Strawberry Hill . And I said , " You can 't do it ! " So I gave the bicycle away , and then he borrowed the boy 's across the street ! [ laughs ]

Conner turned away and activated on his com link . He spoke authoritatively as soon as Artha 's face appeared , " Artha come home now this is an emergency . " " Why what is going on ? " Artha asked not knowing why his father was so mad Conner Replied to his son " I will tell you when you get hear . " then he went offline . Kitt looked at Artha , and said " Wow he sounds in a hurry ! " Artha turned to her " Yeah I wonder what 's up ? Come on boy lets go " he said to Beau so they turn around and head back to Penn stables . When they got back Parmon and Lance were standing there and Conner was pacing the floor Artha walked to his dad and said " What 's going on what is the big emergency ? " Conner looked at his son and was relived to see him but he still was tense said to him " Come on it 's not safe to talk here . " He said putting his hand on Artha 's shoulder and looking around making sure that there was nobody else there and then headed to beau stall and hit the switch that opened the door to the temple And they all went down then he start 's to explain to them " I got word that someone is heading to the old temple of Lezmark , there is an ancient mask of Zorgon it has all the draconium colors . " He said waving his arm and the vide screen came down showing a picture of the mask " All the colors ? " Everyone said at the same time , the dragon 's hade surprised looked on there face as well , " Even gold ? " Artha asked not knowing that there was something that powerful existed and that hade gold draconium since you don 't see gold gear around very often , " Yes , it is very powerful they made it to train the dragons and since it hade all the colures every type of dragon would listen to what there master 's hade to say and it worked very well . Then when the dragon human war came someone took it and used it to make an army for the war , sad to say that even the loyalist dragon 's turned from there owners . After the war hade ended the first Dragon Booster retrieved it and put it in the care of a crew all I know about them is that there draconium colors is Dark purple and they have been grading it ever since . " Conner explained to them . " Well I am afraid that they may be gone and Word found out bout it and now he 's trying to get it . With this mask it would make things very easy for word to start a dragon human war or even get the dragon of legend . " Conner said turning to beau who snarled at the thought of word Paynn controlling him and would use him to start a new dragon human war . " So I want you guy 's to go to the temple and see if I am right and to stop them . Here is the location , go through the back entrance . " He said pressing a button on the map . And it lit up and then he passed to Artha who looked at the map then to the others . " We 're on it . " Everyone said together . " Mooredryd come to my citadel at once . " Mooredryd turned off his com link and turned to his partner in crime . " Let 's go Cain my father has a job for us . " He said turning his dragon in the direction of the citadel and left . When they got there Mooredryd went in side and found his father in his office ( I 'm not sure what you want to call that room that he is in all the time . ) he found him Sitting on his dragon bone chair , tapping his fingers on the table . " Mooredryd do you remember the temple of Lezmark ? " He says leaning in to the back of his chair and put his fingers together " It was the temple where the mask of Zorgon is held . " He says starting to turning around and he started to leave when his father stopped him for one more instruction " And one more thing Mooredryd , don 't leave any witnesses . " " I know father . " He say turning and heading to the door and he muttered to him self . " Yeah if I weren 't around you would probably still be a wrath booster and in the shadow track at this moment . But still you could probably have done this on your own I wanted to play battle ground dragon . " Lance said agreeing with Kitt , " Ok . " Lance said in a hurry So they went there and pulled candy bars out of there saddle bags and Dragon olla bars and ate there lunch Mean while Mooredryd and Cain were making there way thought the dump area " come on Cain just a little farther . " he said to his friend as they made there way past some crumbling pillar 's " but I am tiered we have been up all night staling dragon 's for your father and I 'm hungry … . and what if that Drakkus is here to ? " Cain said biting his nails looking both way 's being a scary cat like usual Mooredryd looked at Cain and shook his head and sighed " There is it the entrances not far ahead . Well eat and give our dragons a break then we will go in come on . " He said pushing his controller forward urging Deception to go forward . It 's probably a beautiful day outside and in Dragon City but I m not allowed to go out so I rolled over in my bed and grabbed my blankets and pulled them up over my head to try to go back to sleep , but just as soon as I did I felt something start to push me to wake me up " Torah stop leave me alone let me sleep ! ! " I said in my grumble morning voice but you think a dragon like her would let me ? Bam I hit the floor , I pull the blanket 's off my head to see the pain in the butt who pushed me off . I looked at her she moved her eyes back and forth Saying { / / Who did that ? / / } She has done that ever since she was able reach my bed and strong enough to push me off . Me and her are the same age , when my parents found out about me they got and egg from there dragon 's and they gave her to me and now we are un - separable were like sister 's " Ok you big doff I will get you your breakfast then will you let me go back to sleep ? " She shook her head no . I sighed " I guess your right , but why won 't you let me sleep ? Nobody comes here anyway not since … " I didn 't want to talk about it and she already knew so it would have no point to talk to her about it . It happened years ago when I was 9 and like I said that was years ago now I am 15 " Well let 's get some breakfast , but first stop the bathroom . " I said leaving my room , as soon as I got in the hall I took off running I knew that if I didn 't get to the bathroom first Torah wouldn 't let me shut the door can 't a girl have a little privacy ? So I ran down the hall , I could hear her behind me and I made a sharp left turn got in and hit the button just in time . I went to the sink and bam , bam , bam , ; and this is what happens if I get here first . She will bang her head on the door until I open it . I tried giving her food first but she did the same thing she just likes to annoy me ! I washed my face and opened the door . I had to doge my her big head , she didn 't realized that I opened the door and she fell in the bathroom and hit the floor , I just shook my head at her " Now shall we get our breakfast ? " She jumped right to her feet , opened her mouth and let her long tongue hang out all Dragons seem to do that when you mention the word food . So we walked in the kitchen / dinning room , my parents dragon were all ready there and had there breakfast I looked at the vide screen there was nothing I shook my head and went to Torah feeder and Pushed a button and her food came down . She was just about to dig in when , My parent 's dragon 's chuckled ( they were her parent 's to ) . So I went to the cupboard to get her supplement the cupboard was packed with it and with every thing ales that you could imagine . " You need your supplement if you want to be in tip top shape . " She let out a sigh and I walked over and putt 1cup of it in here food " You wont let me sleep you have to eat your supplement 's . " Pay back I said to my self walking back to the cupboard when she wrapped her tail around my leg and lifted me in to the air I didn 't see this coming so I didn 't have a chance to put the cover on the bottle and the powder fell on the floor I looked at her hanging up side down with my arms crossed holding the empty bottle . " Put me down . " I should have said that better because she dropped me in the pile of supplement I got up and looked at my self and tried to brush it off my P . J . but I was covered . She looked at me and smiled Laurence my dad 's dragon looked at Torah and shook his head but Shawnee my mom 's dragon she just laugh at me I must have looked funny . " The next time you do that you will get it . " I said in my sternest voice I could do . I probably didn 't sound very threatening but a girl 's has to do something . So I started to head back to my room until Torah started to follow me " I ' am just going to go get change ! " She looked at me and nodded then made her Dragon noise that meant { / / ok / / } and for once she let me get change in peace I got out of my pj and in to my close . I wore a dark purple t - shirt with my mom 's Blue racing vest she said she used to race before she meet my dad she would race with her foster family . and blue bell bottom jeans then I brushed my chocolate brown hair then pulled half of it into a pony tail . After that I went back to the kitchen , Torah just finished her breakfast and I started mine for me it was dragon hen egg 's and toast . I finished my breakfast and put the dishes in the sink and went to my Room and pulled out the old training book that my mom and dad left I had a lot of book 's on different subject 's like training , dragon health , dragon breed 's , and a racing book that my grandpa gave me ect . . So I took the book and went to the training hall Torah was waiting there for me slapping here tail on the floor I put the book down and I pull out my blocking staff to prepare for the first hit . We practiced my blocking , mage jumps , jumps spin 's , flips , and dogging until we both popped out I had survived her every hit her hard hit ! Practicing would be easer if I would have someone the same size and strength to practice with but that is kind of hard for me I don 't have any friend 's , I use to but now I don 't … I don 't think they even remember me . But hey I am ok I guess . I looked at my com link . " Now if you 're up for we can get the saddle and go race Shawnee and Laurence ? " She nodded her head we love to race but I have nobody to race no gear except a saddle and no real track I just race in the temple halls . " Ok you go get your saddle and I will go get your parents . " I went to the kitchen where I last saw them " Hey do you . . . " they weren 't there I went and looked every where 's except one room my parent 's that door hasn 't been opened since that night long ago so I went to the end of the hall and opened the door there was all there stuff but no dragon 's I walked in and went to my mom 's dresser there was box full of stuff that belonged to my parents a tear rolled down my cheek and I moved some papers and there was something in there that I never noticed before it was a amulet it was the same colure as our dragon 's dark purple draconium and it had the same symbol ( a cross ) that was on there dragon 's heads I missed them so much I put it on and put it in my shirt and turned around to see Torah looking at me " I can 't find them , maybe there was something that came up and they went to check it out . " I said as I went to the kitchen and looked at the vide screen but there was no sight of an intruder . " Come on maybe they went for a walk " the security system will only show up an intruder if they have a gear or saddle on and my parents dragon don 't have either so they wouldn 't show up on the vide screen . " Come on let 's go . " I jumped on the saddle and put on my helmet and we rode off . " Were should we look first the main floor or under ground ? " So I did there was there foot print 's there foot print 's " Good eye they went this way and down ! " So we went and followed the foot prints they went all over the place left right the back up another ramp now they were on the main floor " Where do you think they were going ? " I asked her trying to keep an eye for them , { / / I don 't know . / / } she replied to me as we rounded a corner . We flowed the prints up and they turned right then we slide to stopped and I jumped off it was the back door I looked at the print 's that went out side I walked to the door and looked out there was nothing but junk , hill 's and trees I could smell the fresh air I haven 't smelled it for along time I just wanted to run out and enjoy my self but I knew I couldn 't I have a job to do . I looked at Torah , she had a look on her face that said it all she was in shock . " Umm they will be back , don 't worry . " I didn 't know that but I had to tell here something she put here head down and a wave of sadness came over us there were like parent 's to me when my parent disappeared the took care of me it was hard at first cause I didn 't talk or understand dragon and they didn 't speak English but after awhile I started to catch on and I started to learn to speak dragon now I can do it naturally like English well not so much on speaking but I under stand 99 . 9 % of the time . " Come on I am hungry lets get lunch . " Nothing no reaction to food that was a first for her . so I got on and went back to our place it wasn 't big but not small it was big enough for a mask keeper yes my parent 's protected the mask until the disappeared , from then on I took care of it well me and Torah , my parent 's dragon would stand by and be back up but nothing has happened since then so we just practiced I got off and she mage off the saddle and placed it on the rack , " Do you want your lunch the regular slop , dragon olla bar 's , or the last candy bar ? And if you want I wont put any supplement in it " she just groaned and flopped on the floor " Come on just because your parent 's left doesn 't mean you can give up maybe they just went to look around . " She looked at me and turned around I couldn 't stand it I had tried every thing I could think of and still she wouldn 't listen to me " well at least you know that your parent 's are still alive . " I yelled at her and ran off to my room and flopped on my bed and cried on my pillow I didn 't like to yell at her but I couldn 't contain my self then I could feel her nudging me I turned to her and I wiped my tears . " I m sorry girl I didn 't mean to scrape your scales . " { / / its ok I didn 't mean to be that way I never thought how you would feel and yeah at leased I know there still alive . / / } She said trying to comfort me " Well I forgive you . " I said rapping my arm 's around her neck { / / Me to . / / } She said pressing her head ageneses my back " You 're always starving . " I laugh as we went to the kitchen I pushed the button and her feed came down then I went and started to get my lunch ready . { / / aren 't you forgetting something ? / / } she said twisting her head with a smile " Not that I know of . " I tried to think of what she meant { / / my supplement 's you know I need them if I want to be in tip top shape . / / } she laugh " I thought you didn 't like your supplements . " { / / well to tell you the truth I love it ! It tasted like a candy bar . / / } her tong flopped out and she started to drool " Keep your scales on . " So I went to the cupboard and , and got the supplement and put some in her dish she is the strangest dragon I have ever seen . Then went and ate my lunch . 12 : 55 { / / In your room . / / } she said quickly I jumped off the stool and ran down the hall to my room I looked around there it was on my head board on my bed I grabbed it and ran to the kitchen and hit one of the buttons that turned on the cameras it zoomed in so I could see who it was . There was 4 people one with a green bull class dragon , and a 2 legged red dragon , a small blue , white , and yellow dragon , and the last one was the same size as Torah but he was blue , red , and a strip of white separating the other two colors . " Let 's go down there and see what they want . " I said to torah " Well who ever it is well tack care of him then we will go to the mask room . " he said to his crew and his dragon Well it is one thing to say that he was going to take care and call me a guy and that another thing to say that they were going to the mask room . I whispered to Torah trying not to be herd by them " let 's go and give them a piece of our mind and show them that they can 't have the mask ! " { / / Right . / / } she tried her best to whisper So we took off running turning to get to the closeted up ramp to cut them off . We went up and then we were on the same level as them , I said looking over my solder to the other three riders " I am Kitt , and this is Lance and Parmon . " Kitt said pointing to the others . Then we arrived to a spot I hit a button on the wall and the floor near the wall went down making a ramp , " Well hear we are , go down here . " " Down there ? " Lance asked in a scared voice " Yup this is my home . " I said walking in on torah " Do you live here alone ? " Artha said looking around " Well with Torah and my parents dragon lived here but today they disappear . " " What about your parents ? " lance asked me in a soft kind tone " Umm I don 't really want to talk about it . " I said as I got off torah and went to the freezer and pulled out some ice and putt them in a little bag " she was slammed into the wall and hit the floor and was not moving my dad turned to see if she was ok and he was caught off grad and was slammed in the wall beside my mom and they weren 't moving there dragons went to see if they were ok . So now there was nothing to stand in his way , so the man started to moved closer to the mask I had to do some thing so I opened the vent and went and stood in front of the mask he just laugh at me , it must have been a sight a 9 year old girl trying to stop 2 men and a boy but then Torah came and stood beside me , I felt better but still a little girl and a small dragon at the time wasn 't going to stop him he took another step forward and then my parent 's dragon came and stood next to me he looked amazed , the other man was about to go but he stopped him he turned around and left but before he left he said that he would be back one day I was so happy I had stopped them . " I stopped and looked at torah and she nodded as a tear ran down my face " But my parent 's … . I went to there sides they didn 't move then my mom 's dragon took me away but they left my parents and I haven 't seen them since then , so my parent dragon took care of me at first it was hard because I couldn 't speak or under stand dragon and they couldn 't speak English but after awhile I started to recognize some of the sounds that they made and I matched them up to what they were so then I asked them to teach me and well now I know how to under stand dragon . So … do you have any questions ? " " So how old are you ? " Parmon asked as he sat up " 15 years for 6 years of my life I have no parent 's …… And how old re you guys ? " " These were my mom old close . " I said pinching the bottom of my shirt and pulling it out then letting it go . I let out a sigh and let my head droop after thinking how they used to look on her , " Do you miss them ? " Lance asked trying to see my face " Yeah , alot . " " Well kind of the same thing happened to me and Artha but then we found out the mortise was our dad hey do you have a dragon priest some where ? He gave Artha his gantlet " his voice started out calm and kind then it went to a hyper tone " Well not that I know of . " I chuckled " But I did find this today . " I said while pulling out my amulet with the dark purple cross , " Like always you will be in the light and us in the shadows . " Kitt grumbled " Well what about Sarina ? " Lance said turning to me " Well she will have to stay out of the way with you guy 's . " " Hey who is the mask keeper here , I have more of a right to be there than you do so if there is any one who will be in the dark it would be you but I am nicer than you so you can come along because you seem to know more about this Moordryd than me . " I said as I looked back at lance " Moordryd has been stealing dragons for his father Word Paynn he makes them into his wrath dragon 's he has been trying to make a dragon human war and the mask would make things very easy for him . He has tried to steel beau many times because he is the dragon of legend he has an influence over all dragon 's and if he found out that I have him he would steel him so when your around him or Moordryd and I have the armor on call me dragon booster . " " There almost here . " I said looking at Artha than at the screen I put it away I could hear them now coming down the hall I could feel Torah tense up , we pulled out our blocking staff we were getting ready to do what ever it tacks to protect the mask if Word get it who know what will happen to the world . Then they came around the corner and stopped and looked at us , he looked very familiar " Look it 's the dragon booster and … . It 's you . " a white haired guy Artha looked at me I looked back at Moordryd I didn 't know what he was talking about then a picture came in to my mind that night long ago it was of that boy , Moordryd he was the kid who was there when my parent 's disappeared . " You know her ? " Cain asked with a confused look on his face " Yeah a long time ago me and my father came here for the mask my father took out her parent 's but this weakling stood in his way and now she is still here . " Moordryd explaining to his friend " Weakling who are you calling a weakling ? " I asked him in a surprised voice and angry voice " You ! " he said pointing to me " Me ? Why are you calling me weakling ? " Cain looked at me then to Moordryd then said " Great a girl that is stronger and smarter than both of us . " banning his head into the wall behind him . Moordryd shook his head and got up and charged at me again what did he not have enough ? This time he had hatred in his eye 's he ran and jumped thinking that , that could stop me he ran and once again he met the wall , " You have to release the dragon and Torah can do any thing . " Artha said , it didn 't really make sense to me Artha , " you have to believe and release the dragon , release the dragon . " He started to chant , " Give me back my dragon Paynn ! " Artha said not paying any attention to what Cain said " Well you know what you want and you know that my father wants this dragon and he is going to get It . " he said it was kind of confusing " Not if I can help it . " I said moving closer to him to tell you the truth I did not know what I was doing I just had to do something , " This will be easy . " He said as I limped over closer to them . First I had to get them where I was then I had to get Torah to break the pipe then I would run and get beau but the problem is getting the here where I was standing but how ? " I guess I was right you 're weak . " He said walking away Anger started to fill me but I had no strength to stand so I lay there . Then I started to here voices a familiar voice but who . . . its Lance he was speaking thought the helmet communicator , " Now that is a picture I would of liked to have Moordryd and Cain covered in sloop . " He said laughing . Beau walked over to Artha I jumped off and once again landed on my bad foot , Ok now what a bad hit that is ' Parmon can you take look at her foot ? ' what dose he think I 'm a glass doll ? Kitt looked at me with a funny face that was like are you serious ? " I didn 't know you knew first aid ! When did you learn ? " Kitt asked with a sum what surprised look on her face " My mom and I went for the course at the same time . " He explained to her I started to get up Parmon looked at me and said " you should keep off of that for a while and keep Ice on it to keep it from swelling . " So I sat back down I want to know more about them and what they do for fun in dragon city , " So what do you guys do in dragon city ? " Well that didn 't come out how I planed but I think they got what I meant , " You should have seen it Sarina . " Lance said while gasping for air between laughs " Yeah I guess it was a little funny . " Artha said starting to laugh and putting his finger 's together leaving a small space between them then he smiled at me Kitt saw that and went back to being mad , " Yeah , Wyldfyr and me are the best racer out there . " She said pointing to her dragon . I stood up and pulled out my blocking staff then limped over to see her dragon when I got to her Wyldfyr put her head down and let me pet her , " There my favorite grand daughter ! ! " He said putting me back on the ground , " Do you want to see who 's racing today ? " He said getting down on his knee to be eye level with me , " No she is right I wouldn 't want to break anyone 's gear and I can 't go I have to stay here so there would be no point . " I cut in I didn 't want a fight " Well if you could come out one day you could use some of mine . " He said with a smile I smiled back to be kind , " We 'll help out to . " Artha said moving to the counter " We will ? " Kitt asked " Yeah ! ! " Lance jumped Now in dragon city Dragon eyes Moordryd and Cain made there way through the city trying not to be seen by the other racers it would think small of them if they saw him covered in dragon food . So they made there through the shadows to Moordryd compound when they arrived one of his men at the door approached him and was about to say something to him when Moordryd cut him off , " Moordryd when you get back bring the mask to me . And oh we have a visitor . " Then the screen turned off Moordryd shook his head he knew he couldn 't go see his father now he didn 't have the mask and probably this " visitor " was this new wraith dragon and that could wait . Moordryd went to the kitchen and got something to eat when he was done eating he went to bed because he had a long day ahead of him and he was tiered from fitting with Sarina and the dragon booster . " Where have you been ? " Conner asked his son in a stern , worried voice . " Well , there was someone there , her name is Sarina and she lives there alone . She asked us to stay for supper . " Artha answered his father 's question . " Oh , I see . " He turned to see Lance almost asleep on Frachsun . " I want to talk to you dad . . . " " After I put Lance to bed , then we can talk . " He said lifting Lance up off of Fracshun . He carried him into the stables . Kitt still looked a little grumpy . She jumped off of Wyldfyr and followed them into the stables . Parmon and Artha went to the shed to wait for Conner . " Why don 't you think he told me ? " Artha asked in a curious voice . " Told you what ? " Parmon asked , still into his work . " You saw Sarina 's amulet and dad said that there was only five . But now I find out there 's more . . . he started to be more open with me after he told us he was Mortis , but now he 's still keeping secrets from me . " He said , folding his arms as he leaned onto Beau . " Well maybe he didn 't know ! Look . " He said pulling out his digital camera . He turned it on and flipped through the pictures until he got to the one he wanted . He took a wire and plugged it in the camera and plugged the other end in the vidd screen . Then a picture popped up with gold draconium markings and Artha 's face on half . " Well he would still know . He didn 't even see that , and he knew about the other colors and armor . " " Well he did say that he didn 't know much about the crew . " " So don 't be so hard on him . " He said turning to the vidd screen . " Don 't be so hard on whom ? " Conner asked , walking in the shed . " Oh , no one . " He said , thinking about what Parmon had said . " So what did you want to talk to me about ? " " Really ? Well I didn 't know that . I 'll have to go to the dragon priests tomorrow to find out about this . But for now , I want you to go to bed . You have a long day tomorrow . " He said as he turned , then left . He said stretching out his arms and then left the shed to leave Parmon by himself to work on the gear . Artha creeped into the stables and walked past Kitt , who was still awake , but trying to get to sleep . He walked past Lance , who was sound asleep , and took his place next to Beau . He closed his eyes as Beau curled his neck around Artha and set his head in Artha 's lap and went to sleep . Temple After my bath I went to my room where Torah was settling in her bed . I stood there for a second . I could feel the air as it was starting to get cold . So I went to the closet and took out three soft , fuzzy blankets and laid them on my bed . I pulled up the rest and slipped in my bed and closed my eyes . When I opened them I wasn 't in my room . I sat up and looked around the room I was in . It was huge . Big enough to fit a bed , a desk , a dresser and maybe about three dragons comfortably . On the wall there were dragons and racers information of different crews and a vidd screen . I stood up and left the room . I looked around . There was no one . I went down a hall where there were more rooms , and as I kept walking I ended up in the kitchen / dining room . I went to the door that led out side and looked out . There was no sign of any dragons or riders . But I could see a stable , so I put on a coat that was hanging on the rack and went out to the stable . I walked across the yard , and when I got to the stable I opened the door and went in . It was like no other stable I hade ever seen before . Well , I hadn 't seen a lot of stables , but I 've never seen one like this before . It was big . When you walked in , there was a hall . And down the hall there were doors that led to the dragon stalls at my grand father 's stable . All the doors were out side . There were five stalls and on each end there was a small walkway . I went down one when I reached the end of the hall . It went big . I looked on the wall , there was a window and a ramp that led out into a ditch at the bottom . I walked down the hallway and looked in the stalls . In the first three stalls there were bull class dragons and in the next two there was a blue and a red dragon . The blue dragon looked at me and nodded her head for me to turn around , and I did so without knowing there was someone standing there . I couldn 't see who it was . There was light behind him the man . He handed me a dragon shovel and in a kind voice asked me to clean the stalls . I turned to the blue dragon and she nodded her head again , but this time she pointed to a button . There was one at every window . I hit hers first . Then something opened and dragon manure fell into the little ditch , but where to put it ? Then like magic , a purple and yellow two legged dragon came out with a cart attached to it . I started to clean the mess . I did the same to every stall . When I was finally finished , the dragon moved to the closed door and hit a button with it 's nose and it opened . She went out to dump it . I went to the tack room where all the dragon feed , brushes , brooms , and shovels were . I placed it next to the rest and turned around to see Moordryd Paynn . . . and I woke up . It 's not that I 'm scared of him , it 's well , I wasn 't expecting him . He startled me out of my dream . But that was ok . I wasn 't really sure I wanted to see the rest of that dream . " 7 : 30 . " I said to myself and I rolled over and tried to get back to sleep , but I couldn 't . So I got up and tried to be as quiet as possible . But that 's kind of hard since I had a limp in my step . The air was cold , so I grabbed one of my fuzzy blankets and wrapped it around me . I made my way to the door , and when I got to the door I turned around and looked at Torah . She was sleeping on her back . She was a rough sleeper just like me , and I went out . Moordryd woke up bright and early to get a start on this day . He went to Cain 's room to wake him up . When he opened the door , Cain was talking in his sleep . " Help ! The muhrota 's got me . " He said with his eyes wide open . Taking deep breaths he looked at himself , and then he had a relived look on his face . " First , we go to the race . Knowing the stable brats , they will be there too . While the stable brat and I are racing , I want you to kidnap the mini - brat . After the race , meet me at the outskirts of Dragon City . From there we will head to the temple of Lezmark . . . " " Black shadow gear ? " " Yes , black shadow gear ! If I am correct , it will shield us so we don 't set off the alarm . And we can sneak in and out without being noticed . " " Consider it done . " He said with a smile . Then they left for the gear room to get the black shadow gear and some other stuff that Moordryd could use at the track . Penn Stables Everyone was sitting , eating their breakfast when Conner walked in as Mortis . " I 'm leaving to go visit the other dragon priests . Artha , I put you in charge of the stable , and don 't forget to watch Lance . " Conner stood there thinking . " Well … . okay , but you have to come home right after the race . You have work to do . " He said going to the dragon temple and disappeared . " Well if we want to get to the race on time we should start getting ready . " She said as she stood up and walked over to Artha . As she grabbed his hand and pulled him up , she smiled at him and he smiled back . " Lance , she 's not my girlfriend . " He said as he turned to his brother , giving him an evil look . Lance , who was sitting next to Parmon , hid behind his older friend . Kitt just shook her head and walked away to the gear shed . " Will he ever notice me ? " She asked her faithful friend , Wyldfyr . Wyldfyr just looked at her rider and nodded , not knowing actually what would happen . But she knew she had to make her happy , and they walked off . Artha , getting his mind back on the race , replied " yeah , okay . So what gear should I use at this race professor ? " Parmon stood there for a minute and pulled out his computer and started to press some buttons , then said , " well , there will be quick turns , so you will need blue turning gear . Umm , there will be a track cut , so white areo , and a few straight aways , so thruster . And on the mag racks we will have on hand green bashing and white repel . " Artha heard his brother 's offer . Knowing Lance he never wants to work , so in suspicion he asked his brother why . " Well that 's nice of you , but why would you want to do work ? " " That does it . " Artha said jumping at Lance and was about to land on him when Beau magged Artha right out of thin air . He landed him in the saddle . Artha just shook his head and him and Beau left to the practice track with Kitt . " Don 't be so hard on the kid . One of these days , you won 't have him around and you will miss him . " Kitt said catching up with him . After their practice , they meet Lance and Parmon at the race track . " How did the practice go ? " Parmon said , rolling one of the gear racks in the tent . " It was a good warm up for me and Wyldfyr , what about you stable boy ? " She said smiling at him . Artha just shook his head for his answer and they went to the Penn stables tent . They got their dragons ready for the race . Moordryd and Cain were standing at their crew tent , watching the Penn kids . " You were right boss , they 're right on time . " He said turning to Moordryd . " All racers approach the starting line , " Race Marshal Budge came on the large vidd screen . " Welcome competitors to the fifth annual dragon tag competition . " Everyone applauded and cheered . " Sponsored by Sanchez Stables , " he continued . " Now for those who weren 't here last year , I will explain the game . Each competitor has a target at the back end of the ring and three mag balls attached to their saddles . They have to get three mag balls on their target first before the time runs out and with at least one mage ball left on their saddle . The point is to steal three balls first and have the most points . Well , I think that 's all you need to know . Now to meet our racers ; first , I 'm proud to introduce last year 's winner , Kitt Wong . " She stood up in her saddle and welcomed the cheers . " Our second place winner , Phistus . " He waved to the crowd . " Moordryd Paynn was the third place winner . " And he went on and on with the last years racers . The track turned red , then yellow and then it turned green . The gate dropped and they were off down the small part of the track , scraping each other 's scales . Moordryd was keeping an eye on Artha before he entered the maze type arena . He hit a button and his vidd screen came up . " Cain , it 's time keep a close eye on that kid and when he leaves the care of the professor , you snatch him . " " What ? Oh , okay , but be back soon . Don 't you want to see Artha get his first point ? " He turned to see Lance was already gone . He shook his head and turned back to his binocs and watched the race . Lance was gathering his bars when a young girl about his age , but little taller then him , came up to the counter . She had blue eyes and blond hair pulled back in a pony tail . She had a red t - shirt and a blue and purple racing jacket on . She went to buy a bar . The girl picked up her money and started to walk away . Lance looked at one of the extra bars he had , then at the girl . " Here , you can have one of mine . " He said , throwing her a bar . " I 'm Lance Penn . " Her last name seemed familiar to him , like he heard it before . So he asked , " are you with one of the racers ? " The girl 's smile went away . " Umm , no . I got to go now , see you around . " And she ran off waving to him . He looked at her running off with her hair flowing in the breeze . He sighed , then snapped out of it . " What was that ? " He said to himself . * Is that what Artha feels when he looks at Kitt ? * He shook himself out of his thoughts and picked up his bars , but looked back to where he last saw her . Then he ran into something . Lance looked up to see Cain . As they went through the alleys , Lance 's comm - link started to beep . Cain looked at Lance and grabbed his arm and took off his comm - link . " No tricks now . " He said as he put it in his pocket . " Why , thank you . " He said , using his sleeve to shine his trophy as Kitt and Artha walked through the side venders . They stopped and looked at what an artist was drawing . " Wow , that 's beautiful ! " Artha said , looking over her shoulder . The vender flipped the picture she was drawing over and turned around . She had shoulder length brown hair which was half straight and half curly . " Well thank you … are you Artha Penn ? " she asked . " Great ! Just come over here , umm … stand like this … there we go . " She said , putting Artha in a pose holding his trophy . " Now your dragon , what 's his name ? " And she sat down and pulled out a page and started to sketch . About two minutes later Artha 's comm - link started to beep . He was about to answer it when … . So he stood still again . It kept beeping , but then it stopped and Kitt 's started to beep . " I 'll get this . " And she walked away and hit the button to answer it . The vidd screen came up and Parmon was on the other line . " What 's up , professor ? " " I can 't find Lance ! Earlier today he went to go get some candy bars and he didn 't come back . I just figured he found Spratt and went with him somewhere . But when I found Spratt , he hadn 't seen him all day . I checked the track and no sight of him or Fracshun anywhere , and he 's not answering his comm - link . " Artha turned around so fast he almost fell over . " Lance is missing ! I have to go , thanks . " He said to the vender as he jumped on Beau and turned down the lane . " You 're welcome ! I hope you find your brother and say hi to your dad for me ! " She said waving to them as they rode off . When they were out of sight she sat back down and pulled out the drawing that she was working on before . " If he look 's like that , she would probably look like this . " She said to herself as she picked up her pencil and added to the girl 's face she was drawing . Artha and Kitt came round the corner and slid to a stop in front of Parmon . " Where 's Lance ? " Artha asked Parmon as he jumped off of Beau . Kitt could see Artha was getting mad at Parmon and it wasn 't his fault , so she spoke up , " its okay , we 'll find Lance . Come on , let 's go look around the crew tent 's , maybe we will find something there . " She said walking Wyldfyr past Artha and Parmon . Chapter 16 At the temple Torah and I had eaten our breakfast . We would usually go and practice , but Parmon said that I had to stay off my foot for a while . So now I 'm just sitting here at home , doing nothing . This morning I played a trick on Torah before she got up . I put my pillow under my blankets , and I waited in the hall for her to wake up and try . I looked at the clock that was in my room . It said , ' 8 : 00 , so Torah will be up soon . ' On cue she woke up and yawned , stretching out her front legs out in front of her and shaking . Then she walked over to the bed and started her usual routine . She started to push the pillow under the sheet and she stopped . Usually I would ask her to stop and let me sleep , but not today . ' I ' ( the pillow ) didn 't say anything , so she pushed it off the bed and it didn 't move . I went and leaned on the door frame and I said , " what ' cha doing ? " I knew today would be different , but I didn 't know how different as I sat on the couch , staring at the VIDDscreen . It was hooked up to Dragon City , so I could watch all the news was on it , weekly races and all that other junk . I never really watched it , but what am I supposed do ? While I watched the VIDDscreen , a news reporter came on , " welcome to Dragon City news . We 'll start our day with the drag reports , " she said shuffling through her papers . " Today was the fifth annual dragon tag competition sponsored by Sanchez Stables . This competition was held at the all city race track . If you missed it , here 's some shots we took earlier . " " Look , it 's Kitt . " I said , elbowing Torah . She looked at the screen and rolled her eyes and grunted . " What ? " She looked at me and laid her head down . " Fine don 't talk to me . " I said , turning back to the VIDDscreen . I started to flip through the channels , but nothing interested me until I saw a commerc for dragnola bars . Artha was eating one . " Ha , ha Torah , look . " I said , pointing at the screen . Torah looked to see him and Beau fighting for one . I laughed so hard I almost fell off the couch . Torah chuckled and shook her head , then sat back on the floor . Then a DSC news report came on . " Hello , I 'm Captain Faier , and we at dragon city security interrupt this broadcast to bring you this breaking news . We have a new criminal in Dragon City , and he and his dragon are very dangerous . He calls himself the Shadow Booster . . . " Then they showed a clip of the Shadow Booster and his dragon . Captain Faier came back on as they minimized the picture , " if you ever see this man , you are advised to keep away and call dragon city security and we will do what we can to get him off the streets . We apologize again to all the racers that we took to Precinct at the vortex race . And thanks to the Dragon Booster for solving this problem . That 's all for today , this is Captain Faier signing off . " I turned off the VIDDscreen . I was fed up sitting around doing nothing all day . I turned to Torah . " Torah , how about we go outside for some fresh air ? " { / / You 're supposed to keep off that foot of yours . / / } She looked at me funny . { / / I still can 't see how you can walk on one foot . I would think you have a hard enough time with two . / / } I picked up my blocking staff and limped down the hall to my room . I got dressed and put up my hair . It took me longer because , well , my back hurt . When I was finally done , I opened the door and Torah was there waiting . She lowered her head and let me mount . I put on my helmet and we took off down the hall and into the temple areas . We went down underground , headed to the back door and went outside . The sun was bright at first and we couldn 't see anything . But after awhile of just standing there , we could see it was a beautiful day out . The wind was blowing , it felt nice to be outside . Torah lowered her head and let me get off . I walked to a rock and took a seat . { / / Fine , I will go get it . . . do you want me to bring your pad and stuff ? / / } I never thought of that . " Sure thanks . " She was always so thoughtful . I watched her run off and disappear into the temple . I leaned on the rock and looked at the sky as a crow - drag flew by . I looked to my left . There was a tree which was half my size , but it had grown so much . Flash back We were all together my parents and my grand father , he had brought a tree back with him from Dragon City for me . " Well you should put it in a nice sunny spot with lots of room for it to grow . " Then he put his hand in the dirt and pulled some out . " And it can 't be too rocky . " I remember looking around for a good spot for it . I found one , which was about five feet from a rock . " Here , " I said , standing where I wanted to put the tree . " Well that 's a good spot . " He said , picking up the tree in one hand and a shovel in the other . " Here , why don 't you do the honor . " He said , passing me a shovel . I looked at it and smiled and put it in the dirt and started to dig a hole . I dug it deep . " That 's good . . . now for the tree . " He picked it up and handed it to me . It was heavy , and back then it was bigger than me too . And I sat it in the hole and started to push some of the dirt I took from the hole around the stump , covering the roots . " I don 't know what you guys think , but this is her second talent . " My grandfather said as he stood and looked at my parents . " No , that 's one of her many talents . " My dad , Roland , said as he bended down and looked at the tree . Chapter 17 I sat on the rock as the sound echoed in the hills . It was coming closer and closer as I picked up my blocking staff . I couldn 't tell where the sound was coming from , but I had to be ready . I was in no condition to fight , well , that 's what Torah and Artha thought . The sound got louder and louder . I was not going to be ready for this . I closed my eyes in fear as a dragon approached me . It walked up to me and nudged me . It was Torah , what a relief . I opened my eyes to see her holding the computer and my bag with my sketchbook and pencils in it . I picked up the computer and turned it on . Every thing looked okay , so I set it down and picked up my book and one of the pencils . I flipped to the picture I was drawing last night and added some shading and a saddle . It looked good , but what would I call it ? " Torah , what would you call that ? " I said , turning the page around so that she could see it . She twisted her head looking at it . " What language are you speaking ? " { / / I don 't know , I think it 's a cool name . / / } She said with her cheesy smile . I just shook my head , crowdrag . { / / Or how about , equus caballus / / } She said , starting to laugh . " Well thanks for being so nice . " Wait , if I 'm correct , its ' a hardy , for - legged mammal and if you look that us it would come up as Horse . " Well thanks ; I will call it a horse . " " Well , we could ask the people . I didn 't ask earlier . They may have seen something . " Parmon said , trying to cheer his friend up . " Don 't worry Artha , we will find him soon ! " Kitt said sitting beside him . " Well , I met Lance at the snack bar today and when I left I turned back . When I did I saw a man taking him away . " " What did he look like ? " " He was dark and he had a dragon eye on his head . I followed them as far as I could through the alleys on my dragon . They were heading to the outskirts of town , so I came back . I figured someone would come looking for him . Well , I hoped anyway . " " Yeah , I will do anything to help ! " She turned and whistled and a large bipedal dragon came from one of the tents . He was yellow and purple . " My last name is Bronze . Come on , we have to catch them before they leave the city . " She said , changing the subject . The rest of them mounted and they were off down the streets and alleys . Then she came to a stop . " This is where I last saw them . " Artha jumped off Beau and looked at the ground . There were three sets of tracks . He looked at the direction they were heading in . " They were heading to the edge of the city , come on ! " He said as Beau magged him , and they were off again following the tracks that were made by two Psi - class dragons and a blue class dragon . ( Lance and Fracshun . ) Artha pushed his controller forward to increase Beau 's speed . After that , Kitt followed that example and Parmon and Cyrano used the thruster gear that Kitt gave them , leaving Comet and Salina behind . " Come on , we have to catch up to them . " She leaned over to Comet . He shook his head and bent down so that his front legs touched the ground and he started to run on all fours and would catch up with the others . When they got close enough to the group he stood back up . Lance looked around . " Wait a minute , " he said to Fracshun , " this is the way to the temple of Lezmark . " He realized that this couldn 't be good . " What can we do Fracshun ? " Fracshun tilted his head up slightly to see Lance and made his noise that was like , I don 't know . Lance sat there thinking about what he could do . Hey , wouldn 't the alarm go off if they enter ? His hope of being saved came back . He leaned over to Fracshun and started to whisper his plan . What if they 're not going to the temple ? What if they 're going somewhere else ? He thought . His fear came back . He missed Artha , Kitt and Parmon even more . As they rounded the corner , the Temple of Lezmark came in sight . Moordryd looked at Lance . " That is the Temple of Lezmark , the temple that holds the mask of Zorgon , " he said . " Oh , I 'm just starting a new sketch . " I said , not revealing to her what I was drawing . She lowered her head and sat it back on her paws . She is such a perfect poser and she doesn 't even know it . I started to add her markings when a drop of rain fell and hit my arm . I looked at Torah and she looked at the sky . " Really , I didn 't know that . " I said in a nice , sarcastic voice . She looked at me and stood up . { / / Come on , let 's go before you get soaked . / / } She said , walking toward the door . She looked back to see me not moving . { / / Aren 't you coming ? " In a minute . " I said , looking at the sky . Torah shook her head and went in the door to keep from getting wet . Just then it started to pour and I just sat there . It was cold , wet and fresh . The smell of rain and the feel of it , well , felt nice . I looked at her and then at my drawings . They were a little soggy . " Well thanks , I don 't want my drawings to get wet . " I do , but I don 't like others worrying about me . She wouldn 't understand . Sometimes she does , but not this , so I just kept my thoughts to myself . We went through the temple to our place . Torah magged me off and I went to my room and pulled out one of the racing books that my grandfather gave me . Dragon Eyes They were just outside the temple . Lance knew that if they went in there , Sarina would find out . Moordryd looked at Cain and they turned on their shadow gear . Moordryd magged an extra one on Fracshun and turned it on . " Fracshun , what are we going to do ? The gear might not set of the alarm with the shadow gear . " Fracshun made a noise that asked Lance , how come ? " I think the gear creates a force field so that the alarm wouldn 't go off . I think . . . I wish Parmon was here , he would know . " Lance said , putting his head down in sadness . Lance looked at Moordryd and Cain . Moordryd was whispering something to Cain . Cain nodded and took off down another route as Moordryd and Lance walked down another lane . There was no sign of Sarina any where , so she must not have found out . Lance looked at Moordryd , then leaned over to Fracshun , " it 's time to put my plan into action . " He pulled his controller to the left and took off . Lance thought if he could get far enough way he could go down one of the ramps and find Sarina , but before he could Moordryd caught up . He took out his energy drain whip and hit Fracshun . " You 're not getting away from me , " he said , pulling it closer to him . Fracshun 's energy was going down fast , so Fracshun would have to obey Moordryd , and that 's what happened . Moordryd pulled off the drain whip . " Good , now no more tricks , stable brat . " He said , walking over to Lance and grabbing his arm and pulling him back to the main hall they were in before . Before he knew it , they were in the mask room . Decepshun magged Moordryd off , then Lance off and helped him to the wall so that Moordryd could sat a trap gear on him . Once Lance was stuck , Moordryd set two on Fracshun , and he went to the mask . " Finally , it 's mine ! " He said , holding the mask in the air . Decepshun magged Moordryd and he sat there waiting for Cain . Lance looked down at his comm - link and then looked at Moordryd , who wasn 't paying attention to him . He was looking at the mask . Lance moved his arm and hit the button with his other hand and turned it on . He tuned it into Sarina 's signal . Sarina Torah and I had just finished some lunch and I was blow drying the pictures when my comm - link started to beep . I looked at Torah and she looked back at me , confused . I hit one of the buttons and turned it on . " Lance , what 's up ? " " Moordryd has the mask and we 're in the mask room . I have no time to explain , but come and stop them and save me ! " He said in a hurry . I didn 't know what to say , how could they have gotten by the defenses ? But I had to hurry if it was true . " I 'm on my way . Wait , where 's Artha ? " " There 's no time to explain , Moordryd has the mask . " She nodded and took off . I hit the button for the ramp to go down . I turned on my comm - link and dialed to Artha 's signal . " Hello ? " Good , Artha was there . " Artha , it 's Sarina . Moordryd has Lance and the mask and they 're here in the temple . " Well , that 's right to the point . " Okay , we 're on our way . Hold them off as much as possible , " and he was gone . By the time I was done we were at the next ramp . Torah once again magged me off . I pulled out my staff and hit the target . We went up and made a left then a right , then another left and we were in the mask room . " Put the mask down ! " I said as Torah came to a sliding stop . " So you came back for the mask ? " I said , looking at the mask in his hands . I looked at his dragon , she had black shadow gear on . " And I see you found a way to get past the alarm . " Yes , it 's gear , but like a force field that doesn 't set off the field . " Yes and I 'm leaving with it this time , " he said with a smile . He was looking at me . Or was it behind me ? I closed my eyes and listened . I heard a dragon behind me and a trapping gear was fired . With my blocking staff still in hand , I turned in my saddle and hit it and smashed it . I looked at Cain . He smiled . Two against one , that sounds like a fair fight . I was surrounded and being backed into a corner . I needed a plan and fast . I looked at a pillar that was next to us , it was half broken from yesterday . " Torah , " I whispered , " hit the pillar with your tail . " She turned her head slightly and saw what I meant . She swung her body and hit the pillar with her tail , and it started to crack and wobble but then went still . Moordryd looked at the pillar and said , " ha , you failed . " But just then , the pillar started to fall toward them . Moordryd and Cain backed up so it wouldn 't fall on them and Torah and I jumped to Lance 's rescue . I started to take off the gear when a small , round - shaped object fell in front of us . " Oh no , " Lance said , flinching and closing his eyes . I looked at it closer . It was a disrupter blackout . I twisted my body and closed my eyes just in time . It blew up and smoke was everywhere . I started to cough and Torah moved out of the smoke and I looked around . Moordryd , Cain , and the mask , were gone . I went back to Lance and started to take the trapping gear off . Dragon eyes " Smart plan , boss , " Cain said to Moordryd as they were rounding the corner . " Where are you going so fast ? " They looked to see the Dragon Booster and the Penn Crew . " Well , well , well . Look what we got here . It 's the Dragon Booboo and the Penn brats , " he said , folding his arms and sitting back in his saddle . Moordryd was about to pull out his staff and go and attack , but Cain stopped him . " Boss , it 's on a timer . It will go off any minute . " Moordryd looked at him and nodded . " Well fine , have it your way . " He said , tossing the Dragon Booster the mask and they took off , passed them and went out the door . " Yeah , too easy . " Artha said , looking at the mask . " What is this place ? " Salina asked , looking at the ceiling and at the wall . Lance and I were just leaving when Artha , Kitt , Parmon , and this girl walked in . Artha looked at me and threw me the mask . " I found this and I think it belongs to you . " I looked at it and it was . I opened it up and there were little red dots all over the place . Then numbers started to come up . " 0 : 60 , " then a word came up , blow . I read it out loud . " 0 : 59 blow ? " I looked at them and they were as confused as I was . " Fifty - nine seconds until it blows up ! " Parmon blurted out . I looked at him , then at my computer . The count down was going fast . If he was right , there was forty seconds until she blows ! " Come on let 's get out of here ! " I said , pushing my controller forward and we all took off . Artha and Kitt were out and going first . We started to go for the first door when the pillars started to blow . " The back door ! " I said , turning Torah around and fast . Beau , Artha , Kitt and Wyldfyr passed me . I looked back to see Parmon and Cyrano coming up fast and the other girl was beside me . But Lance . Where was he ? Frachsun and he were far back . I pulled Torah 's controller back far , almost to a stop . I could hear the pillars behind me falling as I pulled up next to Lance . Fracshun was going as fast as he could and it wasn 't very fast . " Moordryd drained Fracshun 's energy , " he said , almost crying . I looked at him , then at the pillars behind me . I pushed a button on my controller and Torah magged me on Fracshun and Lance onto her . " What ? " he asked , looking at me confused . As I watched my best friend run off in to the distance , this phrase came in mind . Something Lance told me mixed with something my grandfather said , ' there is a hero in us all . You must never give up , no matter how tough things may seem . ' I took a deep breath , " are you ready Fracshun ? " I asked him as he was running and almost falling out of pure exhaustion . I looked ahead . They were out of sight . I looked back and the pillars were falling really close now . " At the next ramp you have to mag me . It 's our only chance of getting out . " { / / Okay , but I don 't know how long I will last , / / } he said , almost out of breath . We rounded the corner and the pillars were almost falling on us . I looked to my left . There was a ramp . " Now ! " I said . He sent a mag stream as far as he could . It was just far enough . I pulled out my staff and hit the trigger and we went down . Lance was almost in tears and Torah put her head down and looked back . " Fracshun . . . was really slow because Moordryd drained him of his energy … , " he said , taking a breath . " So she took him and let me have Torah and … . " He said in between sniffles . Artha put things together in his mind on how things happened . " She 's gone , " he said in a sad , low voice . The rain was coming down harder than before as he turned Beau and started to leave . The rest looked at the entrance and turned their dragons too . " Why the long faces ? It looks like someone died . " I said as Frachsun and I walked out of the dust . Torah 's face lit up and so did Lance 's . As I got off , the others turned around and saw me and they came to see me . " Sarina ! You 're okay and FRACSHUN ! " Lance said , running to see us . Torah came to great me and Lance ran past me and gave Frachsun a big hug ! " Nice to meet you . " I said , moving Torah to the door and we entered . I looked back at Parmon . He was looking at the wall . I went to the wall and pushed a brick that opened the ramp and I went down , followed by Lance . Almost all the beam structures were still intact , but I wouldn 't be able to live here any more . My childhood home was destroyed in one fell swoop . I went by one of the halls that led to the mask room . " Hang on , I want to see where the mask is , " I said , turning Torah down the lane . It wasn 't long until I found the room . The tinted glass floor was smashed and rocks and walls were falling in . Frachsun and Lance walked over to my side and Lance got off and picked up a piece of something and handed it to me . I looked at it . It was a piece of the mask , it had been destroyed . " Well , I don 't have to worry about that anymore , " I said putting the piece in my pocket . Parmon came and looked at the rubble . " Even if someone found all the piece 's , it would take the Magna Draconis to put it back together , " he said , turning back around . I followed Lance and him back to the main hall where I took the lead once again . " It 's in pieces , " I answered as I looked around at the wall . Some things looked different , but I could still find my way around easy . Left , right , and one more right . " Well , let 's see what happens , " I said , pressing the button . Torah stepped back for any rubble to fall , and some did . Some small pieces . " Well , I think it 's safe , " I said , going up the ramp . There was not much room for Torah move when we got to the main floor , so I got off and squeezed between a fallen pillar and the wall so I could reach the switch to open the door . I stretched my arm as far as it would go and I was just able to reach it . The door opened and some of the stuff that was on the wall was on the floor , and things were knocked over . Some of the walls were cracked . It was sad . As I walked in the kitchen , it got worse . Torah 's food pipe had burst and there was dragon food all over the floor . There was even more broken ceiling and walls . I got off Torah and went down the hall to my room . The door was shut and wouldn 't open . " Torah , can you help me ? " { / / Sure , / / } she said , stepping over a fallen pillar . She came to my side and pushed the door with her head until it opened . I stepped in . Half of my stuff was on the floor . I went and picked up my books , drawing supplies , some clothes , and my fussy blankets . I put it in my pack and threw it to Torah and she caught it in her mouth . I moved through the halls and I limped over to the door and opened it . As I walked in , some of the walls were crumbling . This was a room that was not safe , so I quickly went to the dresser and took the box of stuff and a family picture that was there . I put it in the box . I turned around . Torah was at one of the walls , it was the one that was falling . I set the box on the bed and walked over to her and looked at one of the cracks . There was a small room behind it . Torah started to break the some of the wall to get in , but the ceiling started to shake . " Don 't touch it . " I said to her . She backed away and looked at the wall . There was a hole , but I was too big . I wouldn 't fit , but lance would . " Hey Lance , can you come here for a sec ? " I called to him . " Yeah , " he said , coming to the wall . He got on his knees and crawled in . " Oh my . You should see this Sarina ! " " What is it ? " " Hang on I will take it out . " He said , crawling back through the hole . He stood up and handed me a gauntlet . On it there was something like a carving that was exactly like the amulet I found . " It was in the wall , I don 't know how it got there . " Then the wall started to shake . " Let 's get out here ! " I said , grabbing the box and jumping on Torah and they ran out the door and the wall fell . " Well , I think I got every thing , " I said , getting off and going to the cupboard and taking out a can and stuffing it in my bag . " No it 's none at all . Come on , we had better get home . Dad 's probably worried sick about us . " He said looking at Lance and the others . I looked back and Salina was gone . She must have took off . " She 's one slippery character , " I said , moving Torah 's controller forward . When we got to Dragon City , I looked around . Things have changed a lot ! By this time Artha was his regular self , and the rain had stopped . We passed some street venders and food carts . " Wow , this place is amazing ! " " Aww , it 's not that great . " Artha said , moving past a dragon and rider . We rounded a corner . " Now Sun City , that is the place to live ! " " I 've never been there . I 've only been to Dragon City … where are we going ? " I asked , following him . I looked around . People were looking at Torah and me strangely . " To Penn Stables , my home , " he said , looking back then at the people . They saw him and went back to their work , pretending that they weren 't looking at anything . He shook his head and looked forward again . As we kept walking , things became quiet . When we arrived at Penn Stables , the house was burnt and some of the stuff was broken , but it was nice . Conner was pacing the floor , wondering where his sons were , when they came through the gate . There were five people coming through . Artha , Kitt , Parmon , Lance and someone else . It was a girl . He squinted his eyes to see who the new face was . ' Lilly ? ' he thought , but it couldn 't be . Torah and I followed Artha in the stable yard where a man came and greeted Artha with , well , not a smile on . " Artha where were you ? " he said to him in a stern , worried voice . " Uh , we had a problem at the track . Moordryd kidnapped Lance and took him to the temple of Lezmark … . " But before Artha could finish , Conner looked at him , as if he wasn 't supposed to talk about it around other people . " Oh Dad , I want you to meet Sarina , she lived in the temple . " Conner looked over to me . " Nice to meet you , I 'm Conner Penn , owner of Penn Stables , Artha and Lance 's father . What brings you to Dragon City ? " He asked in a kind voice . " Well after Moordryd left , he blew up the temple and it 's not safe to live there anymore . So I thought I would come and find my grandfather , but I don 't know where to start looking . So Artha suggested for me to stay here , if that 's okay with you ? " I said , getting off Torah . He looked at me as if he already knew me and smiled . " Of course you can , stay as long as you have to … we will have to make some new living arrangements though . " And he walked away to another door , we all followed him . He hit a button and the door opened to a large room . It was dusty , there were cobwebs , old boxes , some gear racks , a desk , empty barrels … . a little dirty , but it looked like it would be home for now . Artha was about to say the same thing when Parmon came running in . " I got a reading from Dragon City Security . There is a crime in progress , you have to go ! " " Well then , it 's just you and me Lance , " I said , picking up the broom that was handed to him . " Here , you can dust the walls and shelves and I will help , then we can sweep . " I said , leaning the broom on the wall and picking up some cloth . I handed one to him and I went to the highest shelves and started to dust it off . Lance went to the desk and dusted it off . Once that was done we started to sweep . " Look what we have here , the Dragon Booster and Kitt Wonn . " He said , pushing forward on his controller , making his dragon jump off the roof of the building to the ground . " What is the stable brat going to think when he sees you two together ? " " Fine , have it your way , " Shadow Booster said . Stepping back , he looked to the sky and put his hands back . He started to glow . Dragon Booster saw and knew what would come from that , so he did the same . Shadow Booster fired a mag - blast and so did Artha . They collided , causing them to explode . Artha thought , well this will be going nowhere … this happens all the time . I throw one at him , he throws one at me , it never seems to end and he always seems to get better … why don 't I … Artha looked around before Shadow Booster had a chance to throw another mag - blast at him … . than he saw it . He saw a old support beam that the Dragon City construction had been working on to take down , and he looked down at Beau . He had the same idea . He fired a mag - bolt that hit the beam . As it started to fall , the Shadow Booster looked up at it and jumped back right into a pile of garbage . While he was trying to get up , the Dragon Booster sent a mag - blast at him , and the Shadow Booster was flung back into the building and fell to the ground . Decepshun looked at the Dragon Booster , ran to her rider 's side , magged him in the saddle and sped off . Just then , Dragon City Security came . " We 'll take it from here , " Captain Faier said , coming through the other security officers . " Thank you again , Dragon Booster . " " Ah , it 's not a problem . Just doing my duty . " " No problem I have to go . " He said with a smile and waved . Then they were off . Beau mag - jumped over a building and they were out of sight of the Dragon City Security . " Well thank you ! " he said in a proud voice . " Well let 's go home . Sarina is probably waiting for us . " He said , taking the amulet out of the gauntlet . Kitt shook her head and followed Artha out of the alley . " I 'm fine Cain ! " He said angrily , and then he reached down and took out the amulet and he went back to normal . " Father 's not going to be to pleased , " he said to himself . No mask . . . ahh I thought I would bring him some dragons so he wouldn 't be as mad with me . . . but now . . . I come back with nothing . He shook his head . " Come on , Cain . My father wants to see us now . " Kitt looked at him with a surprised look on her face . That 's right , he wants to get home quick to see Sarina . She thought to herself . Her face started to burn with anger . She decided to be as slow as possible . Maybe by the time she would get to the stable , Sarina would be asleep . She wouldn 't have to talk to her , so she pulled back on her controller . Wyldfyr turned her head up slightly to see Kitt . She was confused . Usually Kitt would ask her to go fast , but never to go slower than a regular walk . She knew there was something wrong , but Kitt couldn 't understand her even if she tried . Kitt would never understand . She shook her head { / / Wait , I know someone who could help ! But it will have to wait . Kitt looked ahead as Artha and Parmon got further and further away . Kitt shook her head . Why am I so afraid of losing Artha … he 's not even mine , she sighed . " Coming ! " She shouted back . Well , he noticed . I can 't keep going slow now . So she pushed her controller forward , asking Wyldfyr to catch up . When she got to their side , Artha was talking to Parmon about their next race . Kitt shook her head . " Umm … . well … , " she tried to think of a new excuse . She looked around and saw Artha 's extra thruster gear . " I was looking at a new thruster gear … you know I would like to have my own level 4 instead of borrowing yours all the time … " she smiled , hoping they would fall for her excuse . " Yeah . . . okay then , let 's get some food ! " And Beau and he walked off to the stables . Kitt jumped off of Wyldfyr and followed Artha to the stables to feed Wyldfyr . In came Artha , rolling a barrel of high quality dragon food . " For working dragons . " Kitt moved over to help Artha roll in the food as he was having a hard time with the extra large barrel . When it got to the trough , they stood it up and took off the cover . " Do you think we could have a little help boy ? " Artha said , looking at Beau . Beau nodded and magged the barrel and poured the food in the dish for him and Wyldfyr . " Okay . I 'll come and get you two when we are done . " And he left Kitt alone with only the sound of Beau and Wyldfyr eating their supper . She shook her head and went to her saddle bag and pulled out a candy bar for her supper . It wasn 't much , but it was something . She took a bite and turned to the dragons . Kitt just looked at them strangely and shook her head and yawned . She had a long day racing , Dragon Booster stuff , etc , etc . She was exhausted . " Well , when you 're done eating , you can come join me . " She said , leaving Wyldfyr and Beau to finish their supper . When she got to the other stall , Artha and Conner were talking outside the door . They were in deep conversation and she didn 't want to bother them , so she walked around them . When she got in , the stall had been cleaned spotless . The cobwebs were gone , the boxes were gone , the barrels were gone … everything was gone except for the desk and a chair . The desk was large , but where it was it didn 't take up much room . As Kitt examined it closer , there was stuff on half of it . A picture , an old , tin can with pencils , some papers , and a jar with some drakkals … but half was empty . Lance was on the floor showing Sarina how to play battle ground dragon when he turned over and saw Kitt . He stood up , handing Sarina the game and ran over to Kitt . " Yeah , with some help form Sarina . " He turned around to see her fiddling with one of the controllers . " So , what do you want to put there ? " He said , dragging her to the desk . She looked at the desk and picked up Sarina 's family picture . The glass in the frame was broken , and the kid in the picture looked happy with her family . Kitt shook her head and put the picture down . " I don 't have anything to put here . " She said sadly . Lance looked up at her and saw a tear roll down her face . She didn 't know it , but Wyldfyr had finished eating and had seen Kitt 's reaction . She laid down and magged Kitt and took her beside her . Beau was also there and saw that Kitt was sad . He magged Lance out of there incase Lance said anything stupid . Sarina looked over , stood up and went to Torah 's side . She pulled out one of her blankets and sat one on the floor and pulled the other on top . She looked over to see that Kitt had fallen asleep without a word . " Torah , " she said in a whisper , " take this to Kitt . " She said , taking her third blanket and handing it to Torah . " But don 't wake her . " { / / I will try not to . / / } Torah said , taking it from Sarina 's hands . She quietly walked over to Kitt and dropped the blanket . It slowly landed on top of Kitt , so Torah turned around and went back to Sarina 's side . " Good job , girl . " Torah nodded and laid her head down and closed her eyes . Sarina looked at Kitt once more before closing her eyes and falling asleep . " They said that the dark purple draconium dragons and their riders helped the original Dragon Booster . There were many in their crew , but a few had the Shearkin battle armor . The other crew members created gear to help stop the war , and they say that after the dragon human war had ended , the armor was lost . . . or the ones who had it went into hiding . " " If they had armor , why did they hide ? Wouldn 't the people want protectors ? " " Well , the people thought the Dragon Booster was good enough , so they chased them out or they got rid of the armor and hid . All but the ones that were guarding the mask . If they were the ones that had the armor … other than that they didn 't have much more on them … oh , and some of the dark purple dragons had the capability to change shape and color … they don 't know if those ones are still around , but I thought you would like to know that . " " No , that 's why there was so many . They couldn 't stand alone , they wouldn 't stand a chance . You had better get to bed , you never know how many times you may have to get up tonight . " " Yeah … too bad there wasn 't that many of Dragon Boosters . " He said , mocking his Dad . " Than I wouldn 't have to get up so much during the night . " He lay down next to Beau and went to sleep . " I would like you to meet our guest , " he said , giving a hand gesture to a dark , shadowed corner . Moordryd and Cain looked closely to the corner . Out stepped a tall girl . She had long , black hair and tall , black boots . She also had dark , red pants . Half her shirt was red and the other was black . She wore a red necklace , and she wore the Dragon Eye symbol over her heart . " Hello Moordryd . " She said in sneaky , sexy voice . All Dragon Booster characters and related logos are the property of The Story Hat . Read the full notice here . Please report broken links and errors to the webmaster . Unless otherwise noted , all text appearing on this web site as well as all non - character based design elements are Copyright © 2005 - 2007 by Curt Schimmel .

I know I shouldn 't have gone back . In my defence , at the time I had convinced myself that my childhood had been ordinary . But the past is like flypaper for the living , so when I returned to Pearce for my dad 's funeral I stayed longer , and remembered more , than I meant to . I like to blame Phil , my brother . He should have been at the funeral , but the antagonism that existed between him and my dad was so great that even dad 's death couldn 't dissolve it . So I had to make all the arrangements , and afterward I was sole executor for the will , and then I was solely responsible for clearing out the old man 's house for sale . This last was a task that deepened my grief and opened gates to the past I thought had been locked decades before . Truth be told , the real cause of what happened after the funeral wasn 't my dad 's death or my brother 's intransigence . It was a single black - and - white photograph of five boys that I found in a drawer , hidden under a pile of yellowing papers . Five boys , all between ten and thirteen years of age , standing on a hillside and looking as if the future was already theirs . Around us rolled the brown humps of Mt Taylor 's northeast flank , our territory , stretching from the big water tank around to Torrens , the next suburb . We were the Mt Taylor Patrol , assigned by ourselves to protect our turf from villains . Villains in this case were mostly other kids , whom we called the Koga Ninja . Every incursion by the Koga Ninja had to be met swiftly and sternly , with bad language mainly , but if that didn 't work then with a hail of the palm sized rocks that littered the sides of Mt Taylor like confetti at a church wedding . As a measure of last resort against particularly persistent foes , we each had our own special weapon , something we individually practised with until we were so lethal with it we scared ourselves . Mine was an old leather belt , as soft as velvet , I 'd converted into a sling . Mick had a two dollar fishing knife he insisted was a commando dagger . Phil had what he called shuriken , but were really a motley collection of twenty - cent pieces and old pennies . Jag had a quarter - staff he 'd shaped from a scribbly gum branch he 'd found on the ground . Our newest member , Gaspar , had the claws . Well , his hands , really , but his fingers were so strong he could use them to rip caps off bottles and crush steel drink cans . He was the smallest of us , the wiriest , and the strongest . He didn 't speak good English , but back then I 'm not sure any Australian kid spoke good English . Still , he picked up the swear words without any trouble . Gaspar was still on probation in the Patrol ; there were things about him we weren 't sure we liked . But on this day when Mick made his discovery , there were five of us . What hit me first was how big it was . We 'd all seen dead dogs and cats , run over by cars or savaged by their own kind , but nothing bigger than a male tabby . This carcass had mass . It must have weighed as much as Gaspar or Phil when it was alive . Now it was a canvas of wounds and daggy pulls of wool . Blowies heaved in a cloud above it . Some of its intestines had spilled out and looked like pools of spoiled yoghurt . " Mr Climpson said there was a feral pack on the other side of the mountain , " Mick said . Mr Climpson was a retired farmer who lived on our street and knew about such things . " They must have come over . " I looked down and saw our Dunlops left a good impression in the dusty soil . As far as I could see , though , they were the only marks . Not even the sheep had left any sign of its passing . " Wait , " Jag said . " There 's a blood trail . " He nodded to the ground in front of him , then traced it with a finger as it went uphill . " That 's weird , " Phil said , and edged closer to me . I hated it when he did that . It meant that what ever he was afraid of was probably going to go for me first . I pushed him away . Jag came back and bent over the spot Mick was pointing to . " Bloody dog , " he said in disgust . He frowned and knelt down to get a better look . " Bloody big dog . " I didn 't want to eat a meal in my dad 's home - it would 've felt too much like haunting my own past - so most nights I ate dinner at the local Thai . That 's when I saw Gaspar again . I didn 't recognise him at first . I 'd just paid my bill and was getting ready to go when he appeared by my table . " You don 't know who I am , do you ? " he said , wearing a smile that showed he 'd have been surprised if I had . He was short , wiry , dark hair buzz cut . He was dressed in slacks and short - sleeved shirt . The muscles in his forearms moved like thick electric cables under his skin . " Bloody hell , " I said , and then , " Gaspar ? " I stood and shook his hand . My fingers felt like they were caught in a closing bus door . And then we were out of words . We stood awkwardly in each other 's presence for a moment . I said had to go . Lots to do . House to pack up . We made sure we got back in time to watch The Samurai at 5 . 30 pm . It was a repeat of the first series , so we got to watch the secret agent Shintaro meeting the Iga Ninja , Tombei the Mist , for the first time . Dad came home while we were watching , glanced at the television , shook his head and moved on . As far as I could figure out , no adult understood what we saw in it . Sure it had shonky voice - over work , and the acting was straight from Opera Master Class , but it had martial arts , and ninjas leaping backwards into trees , and flashing shuriken and slashing katana , and a real sense of almost supernal menace . Among us , only Gaspar didn 't seem totally entranced by it , and he would sometimes silently get up and go home . The others didn 't seem to mind to much , but I found his unwillingness to stay with the group a mark against him . At 6 . 30 pm , Dad turned channels to watch the news . The gang would go outside and practice with their weapons until dark . Mostly we crossed the road to the foot of Mt Taylor . Either side of us stretched quarter - acre blocks with their cream - bricked homes and fading green lawns . An early autumn sun , still well above the horizon , bloomed in the sky . We wallowed in heat , but it didn 't bother us . Around us we could hear currawongs , flies and the chit - chit - chit of sprinklers . The world smelt new in Pearce . We were the frontier , the newest suburb . You could see where the latest construction was going on because brown veils of dust kicked up by tractors and earth movers hung in the still air like a distant rain shadow . Below us spread Woden Valley with its half - finished streets and town centre , and behind us grazing land with a scattering of merinos and a few Hereford . The horizon was largely clear , and the few telephone poles and television aerials looked like black writing against the blue sky . We didn 't spend much time appreciating the newness of our suburb . We just expected it . We were growing up in synch with towns and cities and suburbs all over the country . Everything was new , and if there was anything old we didn 't see it and we didn 't know anything about it . In the daylight left to us , Phil practised throwing his shuriken , mainly with the pennies because it got expensive losing twenty - cent pieces in the long undergrowth . Jag would flay grass with his quarter - staff , but it was getting so old and dry that every time he hit something more solid than grass - a tree or a slow ninja , for example - bits of it would fly off like shrapnel . It was getting shorter by the month , and Jag was considering turning it into a katana . Mick and I would find a good sized tree to practise on . I 'd let him go first , because his knife - throwing could be erratic and I wanted to be well away if it bounced off the trunk and spun back towards us . Then I 'd unloop my special belt , fit a stone , swirl the sling above my head and let go . Most times the stone went in the right direction . Once I accidentally struck Phil on the noggin , and Dad walloped me so hard I couldn 't take my pants off that night without crying . Sometimes , though , the stone hit square on , leaving a brown powdery scar on the tree ; that was the most satisfying thing in the world , I reckoned , hearing the stone smack into wood . Gaspar watched us , mostly . When we told him he had to practise with the claws , he would pick up a rock and squeeze it with both hands , but his heart wasn 't in it . I got the feeling his heart wasn 't really with Mt Taylor Patrol , but didn 't say anything . One day he wasn 't even pretending to be interested . He was standing up straight , stretching his neck to see further . I tried to see what he was looking at . It was a row of back yards inhabited by Hills Hoists and surrounded by wooden fences . There didn 't seem to be anything special happening . " Who ? Where ? " " Of course it is . " Gaspar seemed impressed and dubious in equal measure , which made me feel guilty . " Of course it isn 't . I think his real name is John Sweep . But he is creepy . Just look at him . " Sweep 's face and body were long and thin , like two brushstrokes end to end . When I saw him up close at the shops or when he was gardening out front of his house , his features were unsmiling , grim . A great leaden brow hung over his eyes , and he seemed to breathe in sighs . There wasn 't a kid in Pearce who didn 't know him as Sweep the Creep . There was a moment then when I thought Gaspar understood what it meant to be lonely , but it was nothing more than an intimation . It was enough to make me think even less of him ; loneliness was an ally of strangeness , of alienness . I decided then , I think , that I didn 't like Gaspar Attard . I got back home and grabbed a beer from the fridge . I sat at the dining room table , covered with piles of papers and bric - a - brac , and found myself staring at the photograph of the five of us . I don 't remember who took it , but the landscape looked like it was in autumn sometime . I was the oldest among us , almost fourteen , so it would have been taken about ' 69 , or maybe ' 68 . I was wearing jeans , and everyone else school shorts , so it had been taken on a week day . We wore Dunlop tennis shoes without socks , except Phil who wore socks even when he had his sandals on . There was Mick , the tallest , his knife in his belt , Phil with his pouch of coins , Gaspar , loose - limbed , smiling crookedly , me , and at the end of the line , Jag with his quarter - staff . I got to know Jag through Mick . The two were inseparable , brothers in everything except surname . Wherever Mick went , Jag followed , which is how he got his nickname . I don 't think I ever learned his real first name - I wouldn 't be surprised if he 'd forgotten it by the time he topped himself . Jag was found one miserable Sunday morning at the bottom of multi - storey car park . His own car , a rebuilt E - type , was in the last bay on the top level , and forty metres below was what was left of Jag , his wonderful brain pulped like papier - mâché . I often wondered what it was he knew that we didn 't , and if perhaps that 's why he jumped , but in the end came to the realisation that was just my way of sidetracking what I suspected was the truth , that he jumped because being smart in this world wasn 't enough to live for . At his funeral we discovered he had a twenty - three year old daughter who knew less about him than we did . On thinking about it a little longer , I decided it must have been dad who 'd taken the photograph , because mum was always on afternoon shift at the hospice during week days . Dad loved the fact we were members of a gang . He said it was the same when he was growing up in the Sydney suburb of Paddington , when he was in a Catholic gang that kept the working class stronghold clear of Protestants . I remember him telling me that some Protos were okay , like Quakers and Jews and Moslems , but Anglicans were right out , and Presbyterians not far behind . I once told him him that Jews and Moslems weren 't Protestants , but he said I didn 't understand what it meant to be Irish Catholic in Australia in the 1940s . I couldn 't argue with that ; I couldn 't even understand what it meant to be an Irish Catholic in Australia in the 1960s , except we had to go bloody mass every Sunday . The day after we found the sheep we went back to it . Lots of things had been munching on it , from ravens to bush flies . It was on the nose , now , and had a puffed - up look about it . Jag jabbed it with his staff , but the hide just bounced back . We all laughed . The idea of making a dead sheep fart was humour at the top of its form . But the day was young and we didn 't want to spend it with a carcass . We wandered uphill , waving blowies away from our faces , glaring into the blue sky shimmering above the hill . We were on patrol , and vigilant , and brave , and knew we could never let our guard down . We got halfway up and rested for five minutes , drinking plastic - tasting water from overheated plastic canteens . Below us in a wide swathe rested Woden Valley . From this altitude it did not seem remotely artificial , but a part of the landscape like Mt Taylor . The new suburbs had a dry , brown simplicity that appeared as if they had grown from the soil like saltbush and gumtree . A hot wind blew around us , wound its way to the summit , grew into a dust devil and whirled down the other side . We watched it go , and at the moment it disappeared we heard the dogs . Mick smiled thinly , stood up and slapped grass off his shorts . " I was wondering , too . Let 's see if it 's the feral dogs Mr Climpson talked about . " That made everyone pause . Something about Riff and Raff set off every other dog they came near ; walking around Pearce with them meant listing to a dog chorus the whole way . All of us then were imagining what a pack of feral , sheep - killing dogs might do if Mick 's German Shepherds came within cooee of them . " Wait on ! " I called after him . I didn 't want any of us to go because that way I didn 't have to , either . We made it to the top in record time , panting and sweating , but we didn 't hear the dogs again . Mt Taylor 's southwest side was completely different from the northeast . It was windward , for one thing , and got lots of rain , so trees actually grew in clumps , and after a heavy downpour a creek would trickle down the main rise , burbling and bubbling over rocks and channels until it dispersed into the farmland below . There was no sign of suburbia here . It was all paddock and fence line , and from the summit sheep looked like cotton buds . " Not a thing , " I said . " Let 's head back . " I looked up into the sky . The sun was halfway to the horizon . " Goddamn , it 's late . If we head back now we won 't miss Captain Scarlet - " " Shut up , George , " Mick said . He squatted on his heels , and as if it was a signal the rest of us did the same . " Let 's all listen for a minute . " We listened for several minutes . Not a peep from any dog . Not even from insects or birds . The heat deadened any sound , even when a wind caught in the trees and made them move . It was like watching a silent movie . Gaspar started edging his way downhill , like a crab . This time I didn 't say anything , but I watched him resentfully . I wished I was that brave . " There is something , " he said . He stood up and walked quickly under the trees . Dutifully , we all followed . We lost him in the sudden dark under the canopy and stopped , and didn 't catch sight of him until his face turned sideways and flashed white in the shadows . He was looking down at something . The way he stood made us approach cautiously . I could see it was another dead animal , but it was too small to be a sheep . When I got closer I saw the head , and realised it was a dog . The others looked at me almost with pity . I looked closer then and saw that it had been torn in two . There was a bloody , glistening gap between its hindquarters and the rest of it . " That show what you know , " Gaspar said , almost contemptuously . " There is no thing worse than using God like that . " He swallowed . " Especially here . " Jag was already studying the ground around the dog . He bent down a couple of times , followed some trail a little further downslope , then rejoined us . " Same as before , " he said . I unlooped my belt and checked the ground for any likely stones , picking up a couple . Jag readied his staff . Phil 's hand disappeared in his pouch , but he must have figured that pennies would be as useful as earwax at stopping feral dogs , and instead started collecting fist - sized rocks and stuffing them down his pockets until his shorts hung from his hips and his bum crack appeared . Gaspar watched us for a few seconds , then joined in the retreat , but he seemed very casual about it : while we backed up , he just sauntered through the trees . When we reached the edge of the copse we stopped briefly and looked for the pack , but with no more success than we 'd had before . We continued climbing back to the summit . As it became apparent we were not going to be charged by feral dogs we started relaxing . I relooped my belt , Mick put away his dagger and one by one Phil dropped the stones he 'd stored in his pockets . We got to the top and looked back one more time . Phil shut - up , but he glared at me the way a cat glares at a snake , so I retreated to my bedroom and shut the door . Phil knew that crossing into my room when the door was closed meant death by stomping , so he stayed away . I threw myself on my bed and sulked , wondering when dad would get home . I stared outside my window so I could see his car come up the street . That 's when I saw Sweep the Creep coming down the hill . He appeared first by the water tank , disappeared in the grass , then popped up again near our street . He paused there for a second , looking left and right , and in between saw me looking at him . He looked right back for a long second , then went on his way . I hurried out of the room to rejoin Phil in front of the television . I was in the garden writing up a check sheet for the house auction . I 'd done the backyard , cataloguing the mature trees ( including the apple tree I fell out of when I was ten , breaking an arm ) and making sure the Hills Hoist still went up and down , and was about to start on the front when an old ute pulled up and out got Gaspar . I watched him head for the front door , and knew if I wanted I could slip around the side of the house and he wouldn 't know I was here . Before I made a decision I heard myself say , " Hiya " , and I was waving at him with my pen . He waved back and joined me in the middle of the yard . " Thought you might have some rubbish to take to the tip , " he told me . I couldn 't get over how Strine he sounded ; he could 've come from Whoop - Whoop . " I 'm doing a run later on , so thought I might be able to help . " I hoped he 'd refuse . I had no idea what we 'd talk about , except the Mt Taylor Patrol , and I didn 't want to talk about that and I 'd have been surprised if he wanted to . I wore the " I 'm asking out of courtesy " expression . Dad tried to keep us away from our mum . She worked the late shift Monday to Friday , then spent most of Saturday sleeping . On Sunday we all went to morning mass , and then mum made her only meal of the week - the Sunday roast - and took the afternoon off to recover from the experience . She needed time to herself , we believed that even if we didn 't understand it , and dad made sure she got it . He took us fishing near Tharwa , or swimming at Deakin Pool , or museum visiting at the War Memorial , or shopping at Monaro Mall . Mum was someone we saw briefly at breakfast and intermittently at weekends . Because of this , she made a greater impression on us that our dad did , the way something rare makes a greater impression than something that 's common . Even though I haven 't seen her for nearly forty years - she could be dead now for all Phil or I know - I can still see her face in my mind 's eye more clearly than my dad 's face , who only just died . One day she went to work at the hospice and didn 't come back . No explanation , no goodbye note , no weepy , long - distance phone call . She disappeared into our memory , never to be seen again . Dad never talked about it because he didn 't know what to say . He was wounded so deeply he couldn 't think about her without confusion and loss . I 'm convinced he loved her until the day he died , and the hardest thing he ever did was have her declared dead when he first found out about his cancer so the house would be safe to leave to Phil and me . I remember two conversations with her . The first was when dad was in hospital with pneumonia , and she had to take time off work to look after us . We had just finished the first evening meal she had ever made for us and were sitting around the table staring at our plates . " Connections . Dad and I play connections when we wash up . I say a word , and he says a word that 's connected with it in some way , then I say a word connected to that , and we go on until the job 's done and we see where we end up . " The second conversation happened on a Sunday afternoon . She was laying on the couch in the lounge room reading a book . I was standing by the large lattice windows trying to figure out a question I could ask that would be worth interrupting her for . I saw Sweep the Creep walking down the street . He had a strange stiff gait as if he was borrowing someone else 's legs and wasn 't used to them . As he went by our house he turned his head and once more caught me staring at him . He held my gaze fraction too long for it to have been an accident , before turning away and heading up Mt Taylor towards the water tower . " I know his father is in our hospice and is dying , and that John visits him every second day . I know his mother is a cripple , and he looks after her at home . I know he has very little money , and what he does have he uses to make sure his parents are comfortable and get all the medical attention they need . Does he still sound like a creep ? " " Sweep the Creep , " I said under my breath . In my head , the fact that my mum defended him made him twice as bad . I wasn 't sure how that worked , but wasn 't interested in figuring it out , either . Maybe even then I knew mum couldn 't be relied on . And maybe even then she knew she wasn 't going to be sticking around . We sat on the couch in the lounge room with our coffees , staring out the lattice windows so we didn 't have to look at each other . Other than the single bed I was sleeping in , the dining room table and a single chair , the couch was the last piece of furniture in the house . When I walked around my footsteps echoed along the hallway , and when a floorboard creaked it sounded like the whole house was subsiding . " I always thought it was huge , " Gaspar said . " I never felt really comfortable in it , to be honest . I felt like I didn 't belong in anything so grand . I don 't remember much about it , except you had a television against that wall there . " " Sure . Same house they 've lived in since moving to Australia , God , forty years ago ? Long time . Most of their lives . They still speak Maltese at home , y ' know , and eat pasties stuffed with peas all the time , and kusksu and that stuff . " He waved his hand . " Don 't worry about it . As I grew up I adopted camouflage , y ' know ? Like an Australian accent . And I changed my last name from Attard to Atkins , legal like . It made things easier when I started a plumbing business . " He nodded towards the view across the road . The block across from us was still an access route to the water tank , so was never built on . I could see the rim of the tank , and the hill rising brown and severe behind it . " That hasn 't changed , y ' know . Still the same place . Nothing changes on Mt Taylor . " He barely hesitated . " Yup . I spy groups of ' em up there now and then . Not as many as used to be , though . " He swirled the dregs in his cup and swallowed them . " I gotta get goin ' . Thanks for the coffee . " It was Saturday morning and we were watching the cartoons when dad asked me to come to the shops with him to help get the groceries . I whinged and he belted me and I still had to go with him . I was angry the whole time we were away . When I got back I slammed a door and mum came out of her bedroom cranky as a magpie in spring and I got whopped again . By the time I returned to sit in front the television , feeling humiliated and twice as angry , Mick and Jag were there . A few minutes later the front door opened and in stepped Gaspar . Gaspar stared at me , then at each of the others . I could sense their embarrassment , but no one said anything to defend him . He turned and left , gently closing the door behind him . By now I was blushing beetroot red . I was angry with myself , and my stomach dropped into my bowels . I held Phil down . " No . I 'll go . " I saw him from our front porch . He was running up Mt Taylor , and I could tell by the way he hung his head he was crying his heart out . I called out , but he didn 't hear me or didn 't want to hear me . He just kept on running . I followed after . He was faster than me , so I loped after as best I could , hoping he 'd pause for breath sooner rather than later . I reached the water tower , took the high slope behind it , spotted Gaspar 's head about a hundred yards in front of me , still climbing , still running . I stopped first , about halfway to the summit , and knew I 'd lost him . But I couldn 't go back home and face my friends . It was a lack of courage that kept me going . By the time I reached the summit the sun was right overhead . The trees on the windward side were as hard as stone , their shadows gathered underneath them like skirts . Even the ravens and blowies had settled on branches . I called out his name again , but the sound fell like lead to the ground . Something moved among the trees , something too quick to be a sheep . Gaspar . It had to be him . He was trying to hide from me . Not that I blamed him . I moved further downhill . Then I saw him . Crouching ? Still crying ? Then the shape changed , got bigger , and I realised it wasn 't Gaspar at all , but a man . He turned towards me , wiping his mouth as he did so . It was Sweep the Creep . He swallowed quickly , as if he had a chunk of something in his mouth he need to clear . He smiled slightly . " Glad to hear it . You 're looking for your friend ? The little fellow ? " I nodded . " He 's down at the other end of the trees . I can hear him . He 's crying . " Sweep seemed to consider this for a while . He sniffed long and hard as if some scent had caught his attention , then said , " You want to apologise to him ? Now maybe is not the best time . I don 't think he wants to listen to anyone . " " He shouldn 't be here by himself . " Sweep 's eyebrows rose by way of a question . " I mean , because of the dogs . Feral dogs . Mr Climpson says there are feral dogs here . " " Probably not , " Sweep agreed . " Being without friends can make you lonely , and being lonely can make you feel … " I saw his cheeks push out as his tongue rolled around inside his mouth . " … resentful . Loneliness is not a good thing , George Hourigan . " " But I tell you what , I 'll look out for him . I 'll be up here for a while . No dogs will harm him , I promise . " As the distance between us increased , I could see behind him . There was a shape on the ground . Another dog . Broken . And it was hard to tell in the shade under the trees , but I 'd swear I saw blood streaked on the back of one of Sweep 's hands , the one he 'd used to wipe his mouth . I ran all the way home . I was so full of wind , so full of cranked up fear , that I think I sprinted the whole distance . When I got to our front porch I must have blacked out for a moment , but when I came to again I was standing on the porch , looking back at the mountain . I wanted to tell dad what had happened , but was afraid he 'd be angry with me for the things I 'd said to Gaspar . I wanted to tell mum , but she knew John Sweep and in my heart of hearts was certain she trusted him more than me . I stood there for two hours . It was so hot I couldn 't hold the railing without scalding myself . Phil and Mick and Jag came out and tried talking to me , but I wasn 't listening , so after a while they went to Jag 's house . Gaspar came back over the hill about mid - afternoon . Wiping his mouth . I was going to wave to him , but somehow couldn 't lift my arm . He saw me , I know , but he ignored me and went on home . I waited some more , but didn 't see Sweep . In fact , I never saw John Sweep again , even though he just lived up the street from us . It was as if he 'd melted into the landscape that hot autumn Saturday . Maybe he was avoiding me , but I think it 's truer to say my conscience wouldn 't let me see him . The Mt Taylor Patrol ended that day , as well . There wasn 't a vote on it or anything , and no one actually said " That was a bloody stupid game , let 's do something different " . It 's just that none of us felt very brave anymore . Over the next few years , Phil and I slowly lost contact with Mick and Jag . The last time we saw Mick was at Jag 's funeral . I saw Gaspar now and then , at the shops or on the street . But I never said anything to him , never acknowledged his existence . I 'd made my decision on Mt Taylor , and in the way that some decisions are irrevocable , I knew I couldn 't go back . I made it through adolescence the way most people finish an afternoon amble , without fanfare or excitement , or reason to remember anything about it except mum disappearing halfway through , and that was more a bump in the road than anything else . At that age I had no idea about the pain my dad went through . I never even considered that Phil might have been hurting , too , and building up the resentment that would later tear him and dad apart . But that 's what George Hourigan was like . I shot through life from childhood to middle age like warm butter on Teflon . The house sold for a good price at auction . Phil and I would both get a pretty sum from it . I had no family , so would spend it on myself . Phil had a handful of kids , and now could put them through uni ; dad would have liked that . I finished loading my car with the few things from the house I 'd claimed for Phil or me , then paused one more time before leaving . I didn 't feel sad that I was going for good . What filled me up was resignation . I took the black - and - white photo out of my shirt pocket , tore it in half and threw the pieces away . " Yup . " I turned to face him and put out my hand . He took it . " I never said sorry . I should have . " I didn 't have to explain what I was talking about . " I 'm glad you 're still here . It seems right , somehow . " A thought flittered into my brain and buzzed like a mosquito . I hooked a thumb at the house . " You didn 't buy this , did you ? " " It wasn 't me . I hope whoever moves in has kids , though . There 's not enough kids in Pearce anymore . Once upon a time , there were kids everywhere , playing footy in the street , riding bikes , breaking neighbour 's windows , running wild on Mt Taylor … " He paused , took a deep breath , and said , " I already got a nice house further up . John Sweep 's old place . " I should have left it at that . I should have gotten in my car and driven off , but I felt my past running away from me like floodwater and I I didn 't want that . I didn 't want to be left with nothing but the present . " He killed himself ? " Gaspar shrugged . " Lots of stories at the time , but nothing official . Later on a cop told me he 'd bled to death ; he reckoned he 'd been attacked by dogs . George ? You okay ? "

Our Mangalore Trip 2013 It 's been nearly a year and a half since we made our big announcement about moving to Canada , and all you 've heard since is that we 're going but nothing concrete about when . Well , it 's been a long , drawn - out affair . You can read these links if you want to catch up on the details . The Canadian embassy strike last year really slowed things down for us . The processing time for visas has gone up to 12 months , meaning we have to wait until the end of March before we can start questioning more delays . We are confident that the visas will come - they have no reason to deny them - it is just a question of when they will come . We spent Christmas and New Year 's in Mangalore this year . We figured it would be a good idea to spend as much time as we can with Glad 's mom before we leave , since we don 't know when we will see her again . One of Glad 's sisters and her family were also there at the time , so our kids got to spend some quality time with a few cousins . We drove from Chennai to Mangalore , dividing the trip over two days with a stopover in Bangalore . This was our first long drive with the kids . Along the way there were good roads , bad roads , large highways , tiny back roads , and one long drive over a hilly area with what looked like the worst road in the history of roads . This particular road is windy , and to make matters worse , it was so broken up in most parts that we had to go super slow . Parts would be level and then drop into deep ditches , the road would narrow and widen often . It looked like it was full of craters , or that an earthquake had hit . In reality it probably hadn 't been repaved since it was first made . There was roadwork happening but that just slowed us down all the more . We saw things like a huge truck have a tire blowout , another truck with an elephant in the back , lots of monkeys on the side of the road , and lots of bad driving . And this was the national highway ! On our way home we took the state highway which wound through more hills but was nicely paved and had the most gorgeous views . During our time in Mangalore , we visited the beach , parks and malls . One thing about Mangalore , it is small and everything is so close . Just down the street from the house there is a natural ice cream parlor , and we became regulars there , all 11 of us . 🙂 We also braved what must have been the world 's smallest photo studio and got family photos taken . When we got home , I spent a few days just cleaning , since dust was thick on everything . Then we got back into our school routine , interspersed by sickness . Things almost feel normal around here … just hoping the visas will show up soon . Christmas Can Be Magical - With or Without Santa You know all those petty wars that tend to circulate and grow on the internet ? - Moms bashing moms for everything under the sun , from parenting styles to play dates , food issues to fitness - you name it , there is probably a war on it . Well , Christmas hasn 't been left out , because there are wars on that too . I read two posts on this topic this morning , and I couldn 't believe the comments ! People who want their kids to believe saying those who don 't let their kids believe are ruining their childhood , and those who don 't want their kids to believe saying that those who let them believe are straight - out lying to their children , and ruining their childhood . Basically , either way you are wrong . Here is what I feel : whether or not you teach your child to believe in Santa , either the idea of him or that he is a real person , is purely a personal decision . Your choice on this should be what you feel is right for your family , based on your upbringing and personal beliefs , not what the media , your neighbors , a stranger in the grocery store , or the blogosphere thinks you should do . And when you read a blog post or news article from someone who holds an opposing view from yours , you shouldn 't feel the need to bash them for it ! My husband and I were both raised knowing Santa wasn 't real , so for us it was natural to pass the same belief to our children . This doesn 't mean that they don 't know who Santa is . They watch movies and read stories with him in it like any other child would , but as they 've gotten older and began questioning if he was a real person , I told them he was like Micky Mouse or Winnie the Pooh - just a story character , and that he represents the spirit of giving . Since we live in India and Christmas is not a major holiday like it is in other countries , there is no concern that they will blurt out that Santa isn 't real and ruin it for some other kid . I don 't think anyone here teaches their child that he is . I may be wrong , but I have yet to find someone here who believes in Santa . This year I plan to take it further and find the story of St . Nicholas . I will let them know that Santa is based on a real person who lived long ago , and who 's secret giving helped those in need . I will also prepare them for when we move to Canada by telling them that some people do believe Santa is a real person , and that if they should meet someone who does , it 's okay to pretend along and not ruin it for them . I think that is the considerate thing to do . - The first thing we do is to decorate the house and tree at the same time each year , either on or as close to the 1st of December as possible . A weekend is best since there is no school , and we can make a day of it if necessary . Of course , this was the first year they were big enough to truly " help " . I still did most of it . - Another thing we do , that began the year Logan was 2 , is to countdown the days until Christmas . The first few years we used a simple poster that we printed out from some website and put together . They loved pulling a number off each day and having a small chocolate . This year we made something new - a chart that has a Christmas activity for each day leading up to the 25th . Some of the things I put on the chart are making cards , baking , reading stories , simple craft projects , a treasure hunt , and watching Christmas movies . Some of the activities repeat , such as the stories and movies , but that way we can cover a number of different ones . - Another tradition my kids enjoy is opening their stocking on the 25th morning . They know they can open it right away without asking . I make sure to include a toy or activity and some treats - chocolate , cookies , etc . , - something that will keep them happy and busy until everyone is up and ready to open gifts . I hand - stitched our stockings 2 years ago . You can read about it here . ( And now you know why I don 't want to hand stitch a countdown chart . ) - At least once during the season , I read them the story of the First Christmas from a children 's Bible or storybook . We also put out a manger scene of some sort . I 've used the above flannelgraph ( found here ) a few years in a row , and this year we are making a paper one . ( Still working on it - I have to do 99 % of the cutting , gluing and folding . Next time I 'll just buy one . ) - I like to bake fruitcake , since I love eating it , so I make enough to give some as gifts . We wrap and deliver them to friends and teachers . ( You can find my recipe here . ) - A new idea I had this year was to have a simple treasure hunt . It will be done as one of the countdown to Christmas activities and the treasure is a new Christmas story book , wrapped up , of course . If they enjoy the game , and I 'm sure they will , I will make it an annual tradition . I look forward to incorporating more traditions as my kids grow . Traditions are fun and important because they help build memories . I don 't think it is necessary to believe in Santa in order for Christmas to be special , but I also don 't think you are wrong if you do . Christmas is supposed to be about joy and peace , friendship and families , and creating magic for our kids , not fighting over who 's tradition is the right one . Now that that is all out of the way , tell me what your favorite Christmas tradition is , or what your kids look forward to ? Share this : EmailGoogleLinkedInFacebookPinterestLike this : Like Loading . . . 2 Comments There are approximately two billion children ( persons under 18 ) in the world . However , since Santa does not visit children of Muslim , Hindu , Jewish , Jehovah 's Witness , or Buddhist religions , this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15 % of the total , or 373 million ( according to the Population Reference Bureau ) . At an average ( census ) rate of 3 . 5 children per household , that comes to 108 million homes , presuming that there is at least one good child in each . Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with , thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth , assuming he travels east to west ( which seems logical ) . This works out to 967 . 7 visits per second . So , for each Christian household with a good child . Santa has around 1 / l000th of a second to park the sleigh , hop out , jump down the chimney , fill the stockings , distribute the remaining presents under the tree , eat whatever snacks have been left for him , get back up the chimney , jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house . ( That 's really why it 's pointless to stay up and watch for him ) . Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth ( which , of course , we know to be false but will accept for the purposes of our calculations ) , we are now talking about 0 . 78 miles per household , a total trip of 75 . 5 million miles , not counting bathroom stops or breaks . This means Santa 's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second - 3 , 000 times the speed of sound . For purposes of comparison , the fastest man - made vehicle , the Ulysses space probe , moves at a pokey 27 . 4 miles per second , and a conventional reindeer can run ( at best ) 15 miles per hour . The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element . Assuming that each child has nothing more than a medium sized Lego set ( two pounds ) , the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons , not counting Santa himself . On land , a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds . Even granting that the flying reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount , thHave a Merry Christmas ! Outing to the Mall and Buying My Own Gift Today I decided I had enough of being in the house . I needed to get out . Problem is , I can only get out with my tag - alongs , so I decided to take them to the mall . At least there I can get something done and I don 't have to contend with traffic , at least not while inside . The walk there only takes me about 10 minutes ( brisk walk ) but at Logan 's snail pace it takes a good 30 minutes . Today he spent most of the walk there tripping . I don 't know if I 've told you but Logan trips all the time , generally over nothing . He can be slowly walking along and will suddenly trip over his own feet . He falls hard when he falls . You hear a loud " thud " and then the crying . While walking , I usually hold his hand tight so that when he does trip , I can catch him and pull him up before he hits the ground . But I am also pushing the stroller on uneven , potholed roads so one arm is constantly being yanked by him and the other by the stroller . My arms do get a good workout but it is difficult . But I still don 't know why he trips so much . I try to get him to look ahead , lift his feet properly ( he sometimes walks on his toes ) but nothing seems to work . He falls more than the average toddler . In the house he will trip over nothing . He will be in his bare feet , slowly walking , and will suddenly fall . There is nothing there , yet he falls . I just don 't see how it happens . Anyway , back to today . We got to the mall and first checked out the decorations . I have to say I have yet to see a nicely decorated tree . All the ones I saw were poorly done . I could make a fortune charging shops to decorate their tree for them . Yes , you heard me right , I had to buy my own Christmas gift from my husband . Well , you know how much he hates shopping . I told him I would help him to get gifts for everyone else , but I tried to convince him to buy me something . I even offered to tell him what I would like and where to find it . I told him I want a surprise ; that 's why I want him to get me something . Nothing would make him try . He hates shopping that much . So I gave up and bought my own gift . I wanted a silver chain as my last one got ruined by first getting broken , then being repaired by a jeweler who did a bad job so that it looked bad . I couldn 't wear it any more so I decided I needed a new one . The shop where I got the belt had a jewelry counter so I was able to get a nice chain there for a decent price . Then I took the kids upstairs to the toy department . They had a santa and some other attractions but all too advanced for Logan . He doesn 't know who santa is but ran to him anyway to shake his hand and get a candy . He doesn 't eat candies so always gives them to me or drops them on the floor , but I 'm ok with that . I don 't want him to get used to that at this young age . We played with the toys for a while and he kissed all the stuffed toys he liked , then we walked around the mall a little so I could check it out . By then it was lunch time so we went to McDonald 's again . This is the second time we have gone since it opened . I won 't make a habit of it as it isn 't cheap , but sometimes I think it 's ok , and Logan loves fries . Today I gave Lila one to keep her quiet while we ate and it worked . By then Logan was showing signs of needing to sleep so we walked home . The walk home took about 40 minutes due to his tiredness . But since we got home late I only let him have a short nap so that he will sleep tonight . He is fussy when I do that , but I prefer a little fuss to a boy who won 't sleep until midnight . Lila took her second nap a while after that and I was able to give him some attention and that helped . Right now he is playing rough and tumble with daddy , his favorite game . And Lila has been fussing and is on my lap disturbing me . She is trying to type too . I 'd better get off . Colds and Baking I 've been busy with baking , wiping snotty noses , cleaning the house , baking , snotty noses , laundry , and yes again , those snotty noses . Get the idea ? Both kids have colds but poor Lila got it the worst . The first night I had to sit up with her and hold her in an upright position so she could sleep . I didn 't get much sleep that night . Her nose is sore from being wiped and she moves her head fast when she sees me coming to wipe it . Poor baby . Then she cries the cry of " Mommy , I hate you " when I 'm done wiping it . In the baking department , I DID MY FIRST FRUITCAKE OF THE SEASON TODAY . Ok , so I 'm behind . I should have done them a few weeks ago and then had them soaking in rum by now , but better late than never , right ? One difficulty with fruitcakes is that there are thousands of recipes out there and I couldn 't find one that was simple . When I 'm making a cake , I don 't like to have 50 steps to the end . I prefer to use one bowl , one spoon , one measuring cup and one measuring spoon . I don 't want to sift , roll , toss , grate , crush , pinch , blend and fold every item into the cake . It takes forever that way . So I decided to come up with my own cake recipie . I did let everyone know that this was a test run so that they wouldn 't expect perfection . It came out better than I expected , just a tad dry , so I need to add more liquid , but other than that , it was good . Glad liked it so I know it was a success . Christmas Shopping I finished wrapping all my gifts today . When it comes to Christmas , I love giving gifts , and my only limit is the size of my wallet . Now that I have children , it is fun to shop for them . It 's a good thing that I don 't have as much money as I 'd like ' cause then my kids would have too much stuff . Sometimes I see something that is cute and I 'd like to buy it for them , even if I 'm sure they 'd never use it . But because I can 't do that , I am forced to think about if what I am buying is needed or not . This year I got 3 gifts for Logan and 1 for Lila . I find that small kids are usually happy with one gift and often don 't even want another once they start playing with that one . Also , they are too young to get into the " he got more than me " banter that you hear with older kids . Last year I didn 't even have a gift for Logan when we all opened gifts and you know what ? He didn 't even notice . He just had fun playing with all the wrapping . ( In my defense , I had been sick so I didn 't do my regular shopping . Can I count being pregnant as an excuse too ? ) I did get him a gift a few days later , but it was for my benefit , not his . I also know that others will give them gifts so I figure they will end up with enough stuff in the end and won 't even realize it . I , on the other hand , will have more toys to pick up and stuff to find a place for , and will wish I had not bought anything . I 've done almost all my gift shopping with Logan in tow , including his gifts . One of the beauties of shopping with toddlers is you can shop for them and even have them pick what they would like . ( He picked all his gifts . ) By the time you get home , they will have forgotten what you got and when you give it to them later it will still be a surprise . I decided to wrap the gifts today and about halfway through , Logan decided to watch me wrap his gifts . Ha . I think this is the only year I will be able to get away with that . Next year I will have to hide them for sure . Now , lest you think all I have on my mind is Christmas and gifts , here are some pics of my bathing beauty . These are the first pics I 've taken of her in the tub . She was having so much fun . She gets excited when she sees the water , the toys , etc . that she screams with delight and kicks until I put her in the water . Then she tries to eat the toys and stand up in the tub . She didn 't sit still the entire time . She was wiggling back and forth , stirring up the water , splashing , and playing and enjoyed every minute of it . I bought her the rubber duck the other day when I was out with her . I picked it up in the shop and she got so excited at seeing it , crying when I put it down , that I had to get it for her . Logan likes it too . It has 3 little ducklings that sit on its back but I don 't give them to Lila as they are the perfect size to fit in her mouth and she still eats EVERYTHING ! She even ate Logan 's cookie crumbs off the floor today . Yesterday we took the children to a Christmas party some friends were hosting for children . There wasn 't much for them to do as they were the youngest there and the games were over their heads , but they still had fun . I made my now - popular chocolate cake and decorated it like a gift . ( Uh - oh , I forgot to take a picture of it . ) Lila spent most of her time crawling around and finding any dirt that was missed , and Logan clung to me until he warmed up to the other kids and started playing with them . Each of the kids got a toy when they left and Lila has been chewing on hers all morning . ( Well , it is a teether , so … ) Just a few minutes ago I was sitting here and I forgot she was playing in the room . ( Yeah , it 's a gift I have . I can block out the noise of a child playing while I work . ) Logan is asleep but Lila is on a different nap schedule so she is playing . But after a while I noticed she was too quiet . My glance around the room showed she was on the floor under the table ( at my feet , mind you ) and was eating some paper from the trash can . I usually move it when she is on the floor but this time I forgot . She never likes it when I take it away from her . She cries this mad cry until I give her something else . Such are the joys of exploring babies . Christmas Is In the Air It feels more and more like Christmas at our house right now . Actually , it 's been a few years since I 've felt this much in the Christmas mood . Don 't ask me why ' cause I don 't know . Maybe it has to do with my children . I 'm trying to make it fun for Logan , doing Christmasy things , playing music and videos about Christmas and Jesus ' birth , etc . I want him to know the real meaning of Christmas and at the same time have fun . Sometimes I miss the Christmasy atmosphere I grew up in . I used to love snow at Christmas as it seemed to complete the season . Christmas isn 't such a big deal here in India , though it is growing . I miss having snow ; I would be so happy to have it just for this month . The rest of the year I am content with sun and heat but at Christmas I like snow . We plan on doing our decorating sometime this week . I know , we are behind , but haven 't had the time to do it . Also , with small children in the house , I 'm afraid to put up anything breakable . I guess I 'll have to put the tree up a little high for its own safety . On December 5 , 2005 , I was in a car accident that left me with a fractured arm ( in 5 places ) , a gash on my right cheek , a sprained ankle , and on crutches for the whole season . There were 7 of us in the car but only 2 got hurt , and I was least hurt . The boy in the seat in front of me was knocked unconscious , had severe head injuries , and to this day has no recollection of the accident . The others made it out without injury . We were returning to Bangalore after a trip to Goa . Part of the road in Goa winds through the mountains and you can 't see around the curves . We were in a brand new Toyota Innova and got hit on the drivers ' side ( that is the right here in India ) . What happened was , a truck , one of those huge shipping trucks that are common here , was parked on the road . There was no side to the road so the driver had left it parked on the road where the oncoming traffic was . Things like this are common , so no one would think much of it . Another similar truck was coming from the other direction and we couldn 't see it . Our driver swerved in time to avoid a head - on collision , but the truck ripped through the car from the passenger door behind the driver all the way out the back . The boy who got hurt was sitting in front of me and had fallen asleep with his head on the window . That is why he got hit so hard . He was also not wearing a seat belt , so was thrown to the side when we got hit . I was awake and wearing a seat belt , but somehow the force of the impact caused me to get hurt . As soon as the truck hit us , our car spun around 360 degrees for a whole spin ( maybe two ) . The roof rack with all our luggage was ripped off and bags went everywhere . Windows were blown out . My glasses went flying . A necklace I was wearing broke off and I never found it again . Next to the boy who got hurt were two younger children . Of course seeing him get knocked out and his head bleeding freaked them out and they were both screaming . Once the car stopped , the driver got out to assess the damage . The children 's mother got them out and brushed shards of glass off of them , while the girl who had been lying down and sleeping next to me ( and didn 't get hurt at all ) climbed over the seat to check on the boy . After rounding up the luggage and finding out where the local hospital was , we slowly drove off . I picked up my glasses , but since the glass was out of them , they were useless to me . I left them on the seat as we arrived at the tiny local clinic . People surrounded the car right away , mostly of curiosity , as is so common during an accident here . Then the doctor arrived along with a few other people . The right side of the car was so dented that the roof was pushed onto the seat and the door could not open , so they pulled the boy out from the other side and onto a stretcher . Then it was my turn . The only way out of the back was to climb over the seat in front . At that time , I knew I was injured but I didn 't know how badly . Moving was painful , but I had to get myself out . I slowly stepped out , and someone , trying to help me into the wheelchair , put their hand on my right shoulder and I screamed from the pain . I was wheeled into a small room to await treatment . While the others took care of the many details that come with an accident and injuries , I was in a small room with several doctors and assistants . I should mention that this hospital was so " local " that everyone was barefooted and the floor was cement . Once person washed the glass from my eyes and face , and stitched up the gash in my cheek . Then came the x - rays . They tried to get me to stand up for a full - body x - ray , but I couldn 't stand without feeling faint , so they got as many as they could while I was lying down . I told them where I was hurting and they x - rayed that part . But I had to stand for them to x - ray my shoulder and I nearly did faint . Once that was done , I was moved to another room . Meanwhile they were trying to figure out how to help the unconscious boy . This clinic was so small that they didn 't have any of what he desperately needed , and it was so out of the way that they had to send back to Goa for an ambulance , which only arrived a few hours later . After a while , the boy was moved into the room I was in , followed by a senior doctor and a group of nursing students . They stood around while the doctor shaved the boy 's head and stitched the large gash that he had . They also cut his clothes off so they could check the rest of his body for injuries . Once the ambulance arrived , we were moved into it , and everyone else got in too . We were heading back to Goa , to take the boy to a better - equipped hospital . His parents were called and they were able to meet us there . I stayed in Goa for about a week , slowly recovering at the home of some people I didn 't know , while the boy was in critical condition in the hospital . Soon I was able to get a flight back to Bangalore and rest at home , but I spent the whole Christmas season hobbling on a crutch . My left foot was sprained , as was my right shoulder , and my right arm and hand were in a cast . At least I was still able to get around . But it was a rather painful Christmas . Here I am all bashed up . My fingers and foot turned all shades of purple before they healed . The little girl is Sakshi . I was her nanny for 3 years . This was taken after I got home , not more than 2 weeks after the accident . After a short time , I found that my arm was swelling under the cast , so I went to a doctor and he cut the cast , then later had me come for a new one . The new one was one of those molded ones that is soft when they wrap it but then hardens . I had to wear the cast for 9 weeks because some of the smallest bones in my hand were fractured . They take longer to heal because there is less blood flow to them than to other bones . It took me years to get over the fear of traveling on the highway here . Even now I am uncomfortable on the highway . I never ride in the front seat while on the highway , only the back . And in case you are wondering , this boy , who was 15 at the time , made a full recovery . Only a few months after he was released from the hospital in Bangalore ( where he was moved to since that was where his parents were living ) , he went back to the hospital in Goa , where the doctors had been convinced he wasn 't going to make it , and sang for them . ( He is a singer and musician . ) The nurses cried , so happy to see someone they had fought for make it . Top Posts & Pages Having Trouble Getting Your Overtired Toddler to Bed ? Try These Tips Poem - What Do Mothers Do All Day ? " He 's a Bad Boy ! " I Finally Forced Myself To Go To the Dentist and This is What Happened Potty Training 102 Meta Register Log in Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! 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Will I update this blog soon ? Probably not . Some day , though , it will come back with a huge amount of glory . With glory coming out its ears like wax or eardrum juice . " Commercial , you mean . There 's only one , Gabe . " Well , it starts out with me sitting in a chair looking directly into the camera . I 'm wearing the kickass silk suit I got in Itaewon . You remember the one ? No , the one with pinstripes . No , the black one . Yeah , that one . Well , I start by asking the audience a question , ' Are you tired of being the last one picked in gym class ' - No , I don 't think it 's too infantile . People respond to that : most of my clients - okay , fine , potential clients - will really understand what it 's like to be picked last in gym class . " Anyway , I continue : ' My name is John Smith ' - Yeah , I decided on Smith . Nitkowski is just too much , you know ? Nobody respects that name . - ' My name is John Smith and I 'm here to help you . ' I point directly at the camera on ' you ' and then swivel in my chair to camera two - I know , two cameras is fancy . " I finish with : ' Let John Smith help you to become the man you ' - No , I don 't think so … It 's not like I need to say ' woman ' or anything like that . What woman is going to go see John Smith speak ? Well , yes , I am quite handsome . - Oh shut up . I 'm not saying it . Okay fine , dashing - but I just can 't see it happening . - ' Let John Smith help you to become the man you want to be . Come to my seminar and renounce the old you and apotheosize the new you ' - It 's a word . No , it is . I looked it up . It means to turn into a … okay , you know what it means . See , it works perfectly with what I 'm trying to accomplish . To make people gods , yes , that 's my goal . Just like the deification of motherfucking Julius Caesar . " No , no venue - that 's what we call it in the industry - yet . But I do know a guy who works at one of the stadiums around here . Yeah , it seats 50 , 000 . What do you mean ? I don 't see what testosterone has to do with anything . Oh , the no females thing . I 'm sure men will bring their wives . Yes , or mistresses . Start small schmart small . I 'm looking for the big time , Gabe . This is my chance . Thanks , but Iposted by archduke f . f . at 10 : 53 PM | 10 / 3Taking a taxi to work is starting to drag on me . Today I stood outside in the rain for fifteen minutes before the first one even stopped , and when the driver saw my WaeGuk face he drove away . Eventually , my neighbor Mi Hwa walked out of her apartment and hailed the cab for me . The cabbie nearly drove off when I quit obscuring myself with my umbrella and he saw who was getting into his car . I 'm assuming Mi Hwa threatened him ( the whole conversation consisted of snaps and pops and syllables I 'd never heard strung together before , galvanized by a fantastic scowl that creased her forehead ) , as he allowed me to tell him where to go and drove off . The drive was a solid half - hour of griping and complaining and the smell of kimchi emanating from a bag on the front seat . I watched the digital dial move with inexhaustible momentum towards the 13000 won that the trip would end up costing me . Woong - han kept me away from Kindy ( word got out about Kenny yesterday and he decided that it 'd be best if I stayed away from the younger kids ) today . I agreed with him , as I didn 't particularly enjoy reliving , being reminded , etc . The older kids all laughed at my story about the cabbie . They said that Korean taxi drivers didn 't like foreigners because they couldn 't understand them . I said , " That 's interesting , because in America people don 't like cab drivers because they can 't understand THEM . " They didn 't notice the chiasmus . John called from San Antonio . He asked all the roommate questions first ( " How much was the last gas bill ? " " How about the last electrical bill ? Cable bill ? " ) . He has by now started his motivational speaking business . He has zero clients , but he has enough startup capital to put some commercials on television . He attempted to extract various details about my personal goings - on for the last few weeks , but I managed to distract him by asking about his commercials . The first - and only - time I 'd visited Nebraska was the day before I flew to the ROK . My car broke down just outside Lincoln , so I locked the doors , grabbed my backpack and wallet and trudged the five miles into town . I walked into a sports bar and ordered a beer and tried to figure out what to do . The bar was filled with an assortment of lifers and University of Nebraska students , at least that 's what I figured . The place stank of the antique cigarette smoke that was continually reborn out of the fibers of chairs and booths . Fifty - year - old Pall Malls clawed their way to the surface of the swiveling barstool I plopped down in next to an old guy wearing a baseball cap that said " Fishermen have longer rods . " " Can 't sit there . That 's Hep 's seat , " he said . The man didn 't look up . He talked directly into the mouth of his glass . " Excuse me ? " I said . Surely this man wasn 't talking to me , the college - educated genius sitting before him . " That 's Hep 's seat . He 'll be in ' bout ten minutes , " he said in a slow drawl . He was gripping his glass tightly , I thought for a moment that he 'd break it . He took his face from out of his glass , turned to the bartender and said , " I 'll have another blackberry brandy and bitters . " The bartender walked to the old man and poured his drink stiff . I asked him for a beer and he obliged . " Blackberry brandy and bitters , huh ? I 've never seen anyone drink that before , " I said . For some reason , I was - I guess still am - very keen on chitchat whenever I sat next to a stranger in a bar . The old man seemed nice enough , if a little reticent . Perhaps he didn 't like my eyebrows or the way I wore my shoes . Either way , talking to him was difficult . " Yep , " he said taking a long swig of his blackberry brandy and bitters . The liquid stained the inside of the glass momentarily , the sides darkened and infused by its alcoholic heat . The old man squinted and his lips pursed tightly at the angry liquid descending towards his stomach . The alcohol was having iposted by archduke f . f . at 10 : 37 PM | 10 / 2It 's weird , but this is the first time in my life that I 'm happy to work overtime . Today I worked three extra hours . I told Woong Han that I 'd teach some more advanced classes , and he was more than happy to set them up . I suppose it 's another few hundred thousand Won in his pocket . Since John left a lot of the kids have quit coming ; Woong Han must be hemorrhaging money . I don 't blame the kids for not coming : compared with John I am not exactly Enthusiasm Jones . He did a good job keeping them engaged , whereas I tend to do a mediocre job keeping them awake . Kindy was not so bad as I thought it would be , but not as good as it was a few months ago . Perceptive . That 's the adjective I need to describe the kindergarten students . Even without a modicum of English ability they know how they make me feel . Kenny ( I think his real name is Sung Soo , but I could be making that up . He 's Kenny here . ) sat in the back of the room crying softly , but whenever I went near him he burst into choking sobs . The second time I got close he cried so hard that he gave himself the hiccups and I had to send him out to the water cooler to get a paper cup 's worth of water and to calm down . He 's never re - acted that way before , but then again I 'd never acted that way before . The class spent most of their time coloring animals . Most popular choice : Liger . Followed by Polar Bear , although they called it " Podu Bear " and drew a bunch of grapes around it . I assume that Podu means grapes , but I suppose it could mean " teacher is an idiot for not knowing Korean . " Though I highly doubt that . Some of the girls in the advanced class had been watching Friends on Armed Forces Korea Network and wanted me to tell them about New York . I 've never been to New York , so I decided to tell them a story about Nebraska because I had been thinking about the story earlier this morning . I think I 've written about it before , but I 'm not about to search through notebooks to find it . Or computer files . Or typewritten pages . The story goes like this : At the end of the Korean War , all Koreans were allowed to choose which side of the DMZ they wanted to live on . The men were lined up on Freedom Bridge , and each man in turn could either walk across the bridge to North Korea or stay back and live in the south . I suppose it was inevitable that there was going to be some problem with the last man to cross , since that 's how stories about the war seem to work . This man was not a brave man . When the Americans were near his village , he hid with American sympathizers . When the Russians were near his village , he hid with Russian sympathizers . Because of this , he didn 't want to go to either side , since he 'd be branded a coward wherever he went . He had had one son , but the boy had frozen to death during the previous winter . During the next spring his wife took a boat across the East Sea and was granted asylum in Japan . So , not only was he a coward , but his wife had defected to the country that had previously started a war on Korean soil . When the guns were pointing at him , pushing him to go to one side or the other , he made the decision to do neither . Instead of choosing North or South , he spent the rest of his life living on the strip of land under Freedom Bridge in the DMZ . Even as the Americans and the Russians - I mean South and North Koreans , of course - were putting land mines all around him , he stayed under the bridge and was safe . He only lived for two or three years , but during that time good - hearted people from both sides would throw him scraps during the winter , when he couldn 't fend for himself . I asked Eun Hwa and Son Mi if the man brought messages from one side to the other , since that would seem to be a logical thing to have happen , but they said no . If he would have brought messages , someone might have shot and killed him . He became a type of phantom , a ghost feeding off the leftovers of the living . Tomorrow I have to teach the kindergarteners . I don 't know how I 'll deal with it . Perhaps it will be okay 10 / 1The sun was out today . On the way to the subway I saw two neighborhood kids , a boy and a girl . The boy had taken one of the girl 's inline skates and was using one foot to push himself across the road with it on the other . The girl was yelling after him , crying , trying to position her stockinged foot so she didn 't get her sock dirty on the pavement . I was going to go over and take the skate away from the boy , but I feared it might cause an international incident . Son Mi said she called me this weekend , but I don 't remember the phone ringing . I probably wasn 't in any state of mind to talk anyway . She went to the Buddhist temple in Insadong , and I wouldn 't have wanted to go there . Today is my 10 and a half - month anniversary ( which is not an anniversary at all , but merely some sort of fraction of a versary that I choose not to figure out ) which means I have thirty more days until I go back to the States . I should 've already bought my plane ticket , but I haven 't . Plans change , etc . Son Mi and Eun Hwa told me a story today . We were on our lunch break at school walking to the kimbap house to get some kimbap and soup . ( The kimbap was good : they rolled the seaweed into a tight cylinder so that none of the vegetables or rice spilled out ; the roll was cut evenly into discs ; the rice was soft and fluffy and surrounded the vegetables and ham all sides . - the place was called Gim Po Kim Bap ) I am never sure what to believe when they talk , because they have a tendency to bend the truth when they are together . If they are apart , both of them are , of course , paragons of virtue . This has to be where it began , where it incubated , why I am the I who I am , no ? Childhood dreams destroyed , twice abandoned , the silence like a noose around my neck , et cetera , et cetera , ad infinitum ? But . If I am the sum of all my parts , must every part hold weight ? The weight of the egg was the eggshell plus the chick inside . These events , are they merely a shell for something with a much greater mass ? Does it matter if what I 've said is true ? What about all the fluid on the chick 's wings ? It 's neither egg nor chick , but it has mass and takes up space : it matters ; it 's matter . It 's the matter that isn 't accounted for , that I forget to name . Or that I lie about . Or that I forget when I lie about . I know what I don 't know ; I lie about what I know . I lie about while I know . This is the beginning . In the beginning were these words , and these words were with me and the words were me . This must have been the beginning . Yet , even in this beginning , there is the other beginning . In the beginning my grandfather created my voice and the words . Because before I said nothing , and my voice was without form and a void , and my thoughts hovered over the silence . Is what I 've written the beginning of the beginning , or is it in itself an end ? I must sleep , for I have to work , and work keeps me from forgetting to be the I who I am when I am not this I . And work keeps me forgetting about the I that I was before I was this I . And the He and the She who are no longer Yous to Me . The He who is no longer a You to Anyone . I am the I that is the square root of silence . My grandfather had given me a dictionary for my ninth birthday and often sent me letters laced with words that I had never seen before . The words were not arcane or sophisticated : they were merely words that were just beyond my level of comprehension . A letter that I had received in June , a letter that I still have to this day , had the word " foreboding , " a word that I did not know . I had looked it up and written it in my word journal , but up until the moment I walked into my room I never truly understood what the word meant . I could smell it in the air , something tainting the natural milk - mustard scent of the room . In the box I saw the little chick that I had never named , its feet sticking out from the top of the bowl of water I 'd put in the box . It must have tried to reach too far into the water , and in doing so it drowned under its own weight . If it had been able to cry out , I would have been able to save it . It shall be resolved . I had cursed that little chick to its death ; that was the only thought clear inside me . I looked at that notebook , the green notebook , and my eyes began to burn . I couldn 't look at my father during dinner that night . He had used my mom 's makeup to create relatively normal - looking eyebrows , but that wasn 't why . I had stolen from him again , this time old chicken feed from out in the garage . I tried to keep my mind in check , but it kept wandering in all directions . " It doesn 't look that bad , " my mother said to him . She was chewing on a piece of steak . They had decided that they 'd had enough chicken for one day . " Are you kidding ? This is bad , " he said . He was probably pointing at his eyebrows . " Yeah , well at least you didn 't burn your skin . I saw some bad cases when I was volunteering at the hospital last year . That never heals . " " Seriously , that 's the last time I try that . Sorry , honey , but deep - frying it was a bad suggestion , " my father said to my mother . " I guess you 're right , " she paused . " Yeah , I don 't know what I was thinking . " I finished my steak , washed my dishes , and went into my room . All through dinner I 'd been thinking about how to resolve the issue of the chick . It had to be dealt with , I knew , and I had come up with an idea . I had planned to invite my father into my room after he finished dinner . If he wanted to take the chick away from me , I would let him have it . I would give it to him . If he thought it belonged to me , then it would stay in its box . I thought that this was what the message I had written was trying to tell me . It shall be resolved . I awoke less than an hour later , my forehead and hair soaked with sweat , the sun splayed out in stripes across my back and face , cut by the window blinds . My mouth tasted as though I 'd been sucking on kiwi skin , and there was a spot of drool on my baseball glove . I stood up and looked back into the box . The tiny chick was still searching for its mother . It moved as though it were a stop - motion movie , everything happening in short bursts , head twists and the clamping and unclamping of its beak . The day 's events had left the lingering imprint of fire upon me , and something about the way the chick moved reminded me of flames . It was all unceasing energy and movement , its feature a shell for the energy it transferred , like the body for the soul . I stuck my hand into the cardboard box and stroked the top of the chick 's head . It was startled and began opening and closing its silent beak . I could imagine that it would be afraid of my hand , which must have seemed huge on its little head . The chick probably couldn 't reconcile the differences between its fuzzy body and my hairless hands . I could feel the zealous crackle of recognition , confusion , and excitement all mingling in the touch of fingers to feathers . Gently , I cupped my right hand and hoisted the chick out of its cardboard home . It was light , lighter than a pencil or a piece of bread . I hadn 't expected this , that life could be so insubstantial . By now its feathers were dry and fuzzy , and while looking at it and the discarded egg , its weight made sense : the egg minus the eggshell equals the chicken . I lay down on my bed and placed the chick upon my chest . Its tiny claws caught in the cotton of my shirt , and as it wobbled around my chest I could see it plucking miniature holes in the front of my grey t - shirt . As I moved to put a pillow behind my head , the chick began to slip off the plateau of my chest and dug its claws into my skin . I felt the pain and it confirmed the chick 's existence , the pain that proved we both existed . I had gone from farmer to herdposted by archduke f . f . at 9 : 24 PM | As I walked back to my room , I knew . As I ran the back of my hand along the segments in the wall , my fingernails clicking as they reached each valley between two pieces of tongue and groove , I knew . As I entered my room and smelled the mustard - milk air , I knew . There was power in my words , though I didn 't know what kind . The nine - year - old I could not look objectively . He couldn 't see the blocks of the pyramid , just the burning chicken . He didn 't realize that he didn 't set the objects in motion , he just calculated their path . He didn 't know the word prophecy , only the word curse . He didn 't see the words as a portent of the action , but the words as impetus for the effect . And it frightened him . Images of The Ten Commandments floated into his head , memories from Easter Sunday network TV . Did Moses warn pharaoh about the death of the firstborn , or did Moses ' words beget such violence ? I walked through the room , which was a picture of chaos . Cutting a path through the clothes on the floor , my foot got caught in the neck hole of a T - shirt . Something about the room was different , and it had nothing to do with the smell of burning wood wafting in through the window . It was as though the room had told a joke , but I had only heard the punch line . I took down the notebook and looked at the page where I had written the words . I traced the form of each letter with my eyes , sliding along the curves , braking at right angles , hopping from word to word like arcs of electricity on a spark plug . It was not a question of whether or not my words had power : I knew they were powerful as lightning , solid as rock ; they were not to be trifled with . To a nine - year - old boy , a boy whose voice was a high - pitched squeak , whose legs were splinters on a matchstick body , the next decision was deadly serious . Would I allow my words to work a Moses curse , or would I hold my hands up in peace , drawing blessings from the ether ? Images reflected dimly in the mirror of my mind , images of destruction and images of renewal . I saw a wreckingposted by archduke f . f . at 8 : 55 PM | It was about this time that I began to smell the smoke . I was reminded of the winter , when he had set a plastic garbage can ablaze while drinking with some of his friends . They had been outside at our condo in the city , using a candle to light firecrackers and throw them at a pile of empties they 'd set up on the patio . They had rested the candle on the plastic garbage can when they went inside to get some refreshments from the refrigerator . On the way back they were sidetracked by an old episode of Cheers on TV . When they finally made it back outside , the plastic garbage can had become a bubbling , oozing blue mess on the sidewalk that they were never able to clean up no matter how much they chipped at it with a metal ice scraper . My mother made it outside right before me , and by that time the picnic table was fully engaged in becoming ashes rather than a picnic table . It was covered with a patina of burns , the oak barely distinguishable . My mother quickly ran over to the grill , turned it off , and pushed it around the garage , struggling as the wheels got caught up as it moved through the grass . I stood on the first step of the back stoop , mystified . I couldn 't move , but a slight smile was wrinkling the corners of my mouth . It wasn 't because I was glad my father got his comeuppance - at that age I would have never thought that way - but at the ridiculousness of the situation . When I saw the chicken burning , I felt my legs get heavy . I put my thumb in front of my eye and blocked out just the chicken burning , everything else I left . My father came back around the house from his trip to the hose and tossed another bucket of water on the table . The flames laughed , cackling at the futile attempt to stanch their conquering force . The water seemed just to enrage them further , and they rose higher into the sky . My father again ran back around the house to fill his bucket , but this time my mother followed him . My face had by now lost its smile . I couldn 't keep the chicken out of my view , and I didn 't know what to posted by archduke f . f . at 9 : 30 PM | What was happening outside with my father , I am not sure , but I can guess . I have thought about this numerous times in my life , and I think the picture that I have come up with is as close a version as can be created . Days later , when someone asked him , which many people did , it all happened because of the can of turpentine he forgot to put away . My father set a large steel cauldron on the propane grill in the backyard . He emptied three bottles of canola oil into the pot . The gas hissed , and then the electronic spark from the igniter angered all the floating propane chains into flames . The chicken was on a plate on the oak picnic table located next to the grill . It was dusty white from the flour my father had splashed over it , and there was a piece of twine laced between where its head had been and a hole my father had gouged through the side with a paring knife . Overhead , vultures were circling . I 'm kidding : they were crows . After ten minutes , my father dipped the chicken into the cauldron . Nothing happened . He looked into the oil and noticed that there was no change : there were no bubbles forming around the carcass , no sound of popping and boiling . he stuck his finger into the oil , and it felt lukewarm . Wrapping the chicken 's twine leash around his hand , he ejected it from the oil pot and set it on the grill 's face . He attempted to set the pot of oil on the table , but instead set it tipped at a 25 degree angle with an edge on the table and the base itself on the plate that had held the chicken . I remember him yelling to my mom . " Ridiculous . Fucking ridiculous . Honey , " he called into the house , " we have to get a new grill . This one is shit . With a capital shit . " He turned dials , adjusted the knob of the propane container , twisting it on and off , on and off . Again , he pushed the igniter , hoping his adjustments could somehow change the physical properties of propane and cause the oil to heat faster , cause the world to bend to his will . Nothing . Hit the igniter again . Nothing . Closed the lid of the grposted by archduke f . f . at 10 : 30 PM | As I was trying to create life , my father was out in the garage . I 'm sure that he was working on his chicken - plucking method . Spots of blood , piles of innards scattered about the oil - stained cement . He tried to throw the feathers into the fifty - gallon burning barrel , but most ended up on the floor , strewn about like bloody snowflakes . He kept his strong jaw clenched , little flecks of blood were spattered in his brown hair . His grey eyes squinted like high - compression springs ready to burst . He was biting his tongue on the left side of his mouth , his lips were pulled in that direction as well . I can see his brow , pulled together like a horizon , the wrinkles on his forehead clouds over the mountains of his thin , brown eyebrows . The finished chickens he hung on the pegboard that held his hammer , saw , and crowbar . The carcasses hung upside down , their feet tied together and slung over a wooden peg . It was probably not the best way to store the finished chickens , he knew , but he couldn 't think of anything more convenient so left it that way . The porcine anger behind his eyes was the anger of defeat , of gluttony , of destruction . He wanted me to realize that he 'd done what he did . He wanted me to punch and kick and scream . He must have . Someone looking at him for the first time would have thought him a mental patient at best , a degenerate murderer at worst . His tanned skin was stained with blood from the chickens ' innards ; on his chest was the imprint of his own hand over his heart , slightly blurred , but distinguishable . A few days after the disaster , my father 's surplus of eggs had dwindled down to nothing , and he was uninterested in buying any more . " If I 'd wanted eggs , I 'll buy more chickens , " he had said to my mother one morning . I was busy thinking about what ants do in the winter underground , but my father 's statement caught me off guard because of the odd construction of the sentence . I wanted to tell him about my egg , but couldn 't bring myself to do so . Nobody knew that I had the egg , as myposted by archduke f . f . at 1 : 23 AM | " It might be , " my grandfather said . I was on the phone in the kitchen and had already told him about the details . He said he was sad to hear about my garden , but that next summer I could come up to his house and he 'd let me help him out in the cornfields and let me have a spot near the barn to plant some strawberries . " But how can I know ? If the mom was alive , how does she know ? " I asked . I was trying to keep my voice low so that my parents wouldn 't know I was on the phone , but I was so excited it was difficult . " Oh for pity 's sake , Gabriel , I don 't know the answer to that . But , you can figure it out if you hold it up to a light in a dark room , " he said . " How do I do that ? " " You have to figure that out . You 're getting to be a big kid now , and you need to think for yourself . " I knew that he was smiling on the other end , for he 'd been telling me that since I spent the summer at my grandparents ' house before kindergarten . " But what do I do if it 's alive ? How do I take care of it ? " I asked . I heard my mom open the back door and come back inside . She walked back to her bedroom and I heard the TV click on . " Just help it incubate . Look the word up if you don 't know what it means . I - n - c - u - b - a - t - e . You need some sort of box and a desk lamp , " he replied . " But what if I can 't do it ? " " Gabriel , you 're whining . Stop it . If you can 't do it , call me back . But hurry , for heaven 's sake . The egg needs to stay warm , " he said and hung up . He never said goodbye . I opened the junk drawer in the kitchen . Even though we 'd only lived here two months , our junk drawer was already cluttered with unnecessary odds and ends . I was able to find a book of matches and a birthday candle among the broken headphones , dead batteries and anonymous keys . Tramping along the shag carpeting toward the bathroom , I heard laughter coming from my mother 's TV . After I had pulled the egg out of my pocket I lit a candle and turned off the light . The egg temporarily blocked out the match 's light , posted by archduke f . f . at 9 : 21 PM | They were muddy before we got out there , I know it now . They must have been . It 's the only way it makes sense . His impassivity , no rage , nothing . The I that I am now knows that the he that he was and still is was the he who destroyed my garden . A week before we moved back to the city the police picked up the teenagers who had killed the chickens . Rather , one of the teens ' parents overheard them talking about it and put two and two together , as my mother had put notices up in the grocery store . But the teens never mentioned the garden , not in the police report , I know it . My father must have gone outside and saw his chickens destroyed and decided to continue destroying . Perhaps it was like the dent , what else could he do ? Those boots must have been muddy before we got out there . They had to be . I walked into the garden and began digging a grave for the chickens while my father was behind the house washing his hands . I heard the door open and saw my mother standing silently , her mouth agape . When my father came back around the house she asked what happened . " Some kids , maybe they were mad at the rooster . I don 't know , " my father answered . " Yeah , that 's just terrible . Are you going to bury the chickens ? Maybe in the boy 's garden ? " she asked . " What ? Hell no , we 're going to eat them . That 's what I was going to do anyway . I mean , look at it this way : at least I don 't have to chop their heads off . " I heard him say it and stopped digging . A sharp pain cut into my sides , the knowledge that everything I 'd done during the summer was worthless . It all ended in destruction . I was left with the massacre , the waste of my ambition , the shame that followed me like a shadow . There shouldn 't have been shame , the shame should have been all his , but it was mine . There was nothing I could say or do . What I did made no difference to the vandals who killed the chickens or the vandal who destroyed my creation . " Yeah , that sounds good , " my mother said . " I 'm damn sad about that cock , though . It was aposted by archduke f . f . at 10 : 55 PM | When I entered the house it was infected with silence . I didn 't smell eggs , there was no sound of coffee percolating , and I assumed that my father was still asleep . Since he had purchased the rooster he had lived on the same schedule as it . Yet , on this particular day , with the sun shining down like a sardonic grin on a massacre spattered in relief on the straw - colored ground , he had not awoken . I was the only one outside to see each of the minor horrors create a bloody masterpiece . The destruction that existed in stasis outside the back door left me unsure what to do : ought I to creep into my parents ' bedroom ? Could I , the phantom , tell my father what happened ? No . The best thing for me to do would be to creep back into my room , pull the blankets over my body , and try to fall back asleep . Perhaps I was afraid of what would happen if I told , if I broke the silence . My feet instinctively avoided the noisy spots on the floor as I wandered back to my room . I clung to the wall like a catburglar , but when I reached the living room I saw my father sitting in the easy chair that looked out at the road through the big picture window in the front of the house . He looked huge , his shirtless back swelling over the top of the chair . He was picking at the peeling skin on his shoulder with his dirty fingernails . Could be that they weren 't dirty . In this story they are dirty . I tried to speak , but faltered . Instead , I cleared my throat and tapped the wall . He looked at me without turning around . Staring at the surface of the picture window , he saw me in my reflection . I think I may have caught his eyes for a second , but then he turned all the way around and broke the link . " I think you should come outside , " I said , the words like rocks in my throat . I had trouble articulating things to my parents . I didn 't talk much until I was four years old . My stubby hands could do addition and subtraction on paper before my mouth could form six - word sentences . At first my parents thought that I was developmentally disabled , sincposted by archduke f . f . at 10 : 08 PM | " I got the nicest - looking cock on the farm , " my father announced to the entryway of the house . His voice was deep , rumbling like a bass drum . I was sitting in the kitchen eating a bowl of ice cream while my mother sat facing the sink knitting a scarf . At the time I knew there was something slightly off in the way he talked , but I couldn 't place why it was strange . " That 's great , " my mother replied . " This cock is something spectacular . Perhaps I 'll show it to you later . " He had by now taken off his shoes and crossed the house from the entryway to the kitchen . He leaned with both hands braced against the molding on the doorway to the kitchen . His face was grinning , but his eyes were festooned with the confused look of a man holding his wife 's purse . The whole time he spoke to my mom alone ; as far as he was concerned I was invisible . I bit my tongue just to prove to myself that I existed , then got up and walked to the stainless - steel kitchen sink to clean my bowl . " Yeah , maybe so , " my mother said . " It 's strong and healthy , " he said . " And it 's sure excited to see you . It 's almost ready to crow . " I turned off the water and put the bowl on the clean dish rack . I walked out of the kitchen trying to physically become the vaporous figure that my father took me to bed . My skin was hot ; my father wouldn 't look at me . Every word he spoke was like steel wool , giving birth to microscopic abrasions in places where nobody could see them . He couldn 't see me . I was invisible . His jokes were incomprehensible . By this point in my life he must have felt the same way about me as silence feels about noise : It occurred ; it is done ; back to silence . I walked past him and out the back door without him knowing I was there . The sky was cornflower blue , and the sun shone brightly on the earth . I could feel a creeping shadow coming from inside my chest . Perhaps this is just a function of me being the I that I am now , but I know now that I knew then that something about the scene was off , like a triangposted by archduke f . f . at 10 : 22 PM | It bothers me now , of course , but then again everything bothers me now . It bothers me that I cannot drink the water directly from the tap without getting violently ill . It bothers me that I wasn 't told that choice bit of information on my first day here and spent the next three puking and shitting and drinking more water to calm my stomach . I am bothered that I have not had a sober moment for forty two hours and can still somehow spit out coherent sentences . That just shouldn 't happen . But it does . It bothers me that I remember exactly what my father was wearing the day he brought home the chickens . It was a pair of green shorts with a thick , white , horizontal stripe right through the center . He was wearing an old softball jersey with the number 11 on it and HAMMER written across the back . His hair was brown then - it was before he went grey - and it had been recently cut . On his left arm he had three cuts that ran the length of his forearm . They were bleeding , but not badly . It bothers me that I know that he will always have three parallel scars that never tan , no matter how dark the rest of him gets . And it bothers me that there are exactly zero pictures of me tending my garden . I 've looked through the albums : there are a remarkable number of photographs from that year . There are pictures of me with a spoonful of oatmeal in my mouth in the morning , pictures of me obscuring my face with a handful of popcorn while pointing at a rhinoceros at the zoo . But none in the garden . There are many pictures from that same year of my mother in various states of elegance . Her black hair is usually drawn up into a stylish bun , her green eyes are looking directly into the camera , separated by the bridge of her thin nose and the petite mole in between her arched eyebrows . My father took fifteen pictures of her like that , with her looking directly into the lens : he was either trying to see into her or look through her . Two and a half weeks . It took two and a half weeks for me to massage and caress the soil to the point wheposted by archduke f . f . at 7 : 48 PM | 2 / 14I am the I that is the sum of every I that I have already been . Let me start over . I am Gabriel . My name is Gabriel . I am Gabriel . I am not only the sum of every I that I have already been ; I am also the difference when all of the Yous that have ever been are subtracted from all of the Hes and Shes that have ever been . I am the one He that is not a You to Me . It could easily be sketched in a Venn diagram , if need be . My name is Gabriel . I have blonde hair , some say dishwater blonde . I have never seen blonde dishwater , so I say dirty blonde . Dirty like the dirt on the dry , unpaved road that led to my grandfather 's house when I still had a grandfather . Like when I 'd be riding in the back seat of the car at sixty miles an hour watching the dust follow me like an unfulfilled promise in the hot , dry air . My hair is the color of that dust that follows me . Let me start over . I 'm sitting in my prison cell in Seoul , Republic of Korea . R . O . K . Was it a drug bust ? Burglary ? Loitering ? Murder ? Probably : I can 't really tell . My breath smells of Soju . I believe that Soju is made by adding gasoline to Sake . The prison cell and I do not get along . There is an infestation of Soju bottles and frozen food wrappers . It reeks of time and I . The truth of the matter is that I 'm not sure why I 'm here . I often lie when I am drunk . Sometimes , however , I forget to tell the lies I tell myself . I haven 't seen the sun in three days . If that is true , I must be forgiven if I write with too many ornate descriptive flourishes . It 's hard for me to imagine things in such a cramped space ; my only recourse is to imagine things in such a cramped space . It 's not my fault : it 's my genes . Of course it 's my fault . Of course it 's my genes : I squeeze the middle of the toothpaste tube because of my genes . I lie when I 've been drinking . Have I said that already ? I haven 't been drinking . Or do I lie ? Antonio Gramsci wrote about hegemony while he was in jail . I am in jail because I am hegemony . That is the last I 'll speak of hegemony . Diposted by archduke f . f . at 10 : 18 PM |

Playing the boy meant that you had to be on top . We used to practice kissing in 3rd grade , taking turns playing the boy . Lara would put a pillow between our faces so that we never touched , but we still felt each other the same . Lara had long , bony legs - the kind that knocked knees and left a gap between her thighs . When we were young , she was too skinny , but she had a body that unfolded kindly , growing and shifting in all of the right places . All the boys liked Lara . In high school , she always had a boyfriend . I liked the stories she told me about them ; there were flowers , and love letters , and riding around in cars . She was always in love , then , not in love , then in love again . Lara liked to give advice . She liked to tell me what blue jeans to buy and the best treatment for acne , " It 's Noxema . I know . It 's cheap , but it 's been around for like , hundreds of years , and works . In like 10 years , you won 't get zits anymore , your skin is going to get really dry and scaly and if you don 't want to look like an old hag , you 're going to need something more expensive . And I don 't mean Oil of Olay either . My dad told me that stuff is shit . " Lara 's father was a famous plastic surgeon in the city . Most people loved him and Lara said he did the best work in the state : " I am probably going to have him do work on me some day , " she told me . She looked in the mirror and pulled her shirt close to her breasts , then she laughed , " Do you think that would be weird ? " In high school , Lara 's grandmother took her to Europe . She sent me a card from Paris and listed all of the places she had seen , the food she ate , and wrote about a French boy she had fallen in love with . When she came home , she brought me one of those long cigarette holders that women used in old movies . Sometimes I still pretend I am smoking with it , when no one is around . Lara moved to New York to become a Broadway actress . She liked the clothes in New York and went to a lot of parties , " Everyone is just different here , Stevie . You know ? Like they are all doing things . Everyone wants to be somebody . And everyone knows somebody important . " Once she sent a postcard that said , " A Big Hello From the Big Apple . " It had a picture of all the tall buildings and the sun setting . On the back she had written a few short lines - " Stevie ! Hello , how are you ? I am wonderful . Everything is fantastic . Hugs , Lara . " Then one day , there were no more calls . Then , no more postcards . I read about the murder in the paper : Leading Surgeon Shot Dead in Office . Lara 's father got shot by a patient with a history of depression and a disease that made her see herself different than she was . The police said she shot him because he refused to perform surgery . Lara said he was always dealing with crazy women , " They really are nuts . Like a couple surgeries will make them different people or something . My dad only does it to help people . He likes helping people who really need it . " On Tuesday , his obituary was on the front page . On Wednesday , the paper published another article about the investigation . On Thursday , Lara called , " Stevie ? I know we haven 't talked in a while . I am really sorry about that , but I have been so busy , I am sure you understand . " I told her that I had heard and that I was sorry and that I could come over if she wanted , when she said , " That 's unnecessary . You know it 's crazy here , with all the cops and reporters . How are you , anyway ? I can 't believe you still have the same number . It 's good though . I really needed to get a hold of you because , I do have one favor . " Before she started talking again , she started crying . I wondered if Lara sounded the same when she cried on stage . I wondered if , to her , it felt the same . " The reason I am calling you is because , I don 't really know who else to ask . The thing is , my mother heard somewhere our house could get Quickly , she pressed her lips to my cheek , then grabbed my arm and pulled me towards the front door , " We are running a little late , so I am just going to show you where everything is . Come on , this way . " I hadn 't been to Lara 's house for years , but I remembered it in detail : the wide , sprawling entryway with high ceilings , the deep hallways trimmed with exotic mirrors and lights , and the chandelier made of crystal that hung above the dining room table . In the back , the glass windows that opened up towards the pool and gazebo . There were expensive paintings and sculptures and an elaborate birdcage with two cockatoos that hung in the kitchen . I followed her and placed myself in scenes : sitting at her counter eating grilled cheese , watching movies on the foldout couch , building forts in the living room , and sliding down the hallway stairs in our sleeping bags . In the kitchen , cabinets and drawers were left open . Where the space was once immaculate , the countertops were covered with prepared food , grocery cut vegetables , croissants , donuts , casseroles , chips , crackers and cheeses . Half - empty wine bottles were lined up next to small plastic cups . There were vases filled with flowers , mail was piled up next to the phone and bags of trash lining hallway to the garage . Lara spoke , " Sorry about the mess . It has been crazy . So many people . Okay , so you can see , we have a lot of food , and there is plenty , so please help yourself . The wine is there , " she gestured , " We also have a liquor cabinet . " She opened the glass cabinets behind her to display the bottles of whiskey , gin , and vodka . Then she asked , " I don 't remember what you drink , but I am sure we have it somewhere . " I had never had a drink with Lara . " To be honest , I could use something right now . " She turned around , " Is anyone looking ? I probably shouldn 't be taking shots before my own father 's funeral , but this whole situation is unbearable . You can imagine . " She took a bottle of vodka and poured a shot , taking it down quickly . Her face twisted and she shook her head , " Actually , no , you probably can 't . I mean , really , everything was fine . I was in New York . I am in the middle of this show . I think everything is perfect , and then . . . " She didn 't look at me , but I watched her face softened and her eyes settle out on the lawn . She looked up at the sky , " It 's so goddam hot , not a cloud … at least it won 't be one of those rainy funerals you see in the movies . " She glanced at me quickly and said , " I know this is like almost too much to handle . You probably don 't even want to be involved . " I told her I would be there for whatever she needed , when she blurted , " Then there is my mother . She is an absolute mess . I am not even sure I should leave her like this . Who will take care of her ? " Lara took another shot then sighed , " Do you remember my dog , Murphy ? Of course you do . " I followed her through a short , narrow hallway that opened up to a dining area and the back porch . In the yard , Murphy slowly lifted his neck and head , stood and tried to move slowly towards the house before he was yanked into a seated position by the rope , still wagging his tail . " Remember , Murphy , my father 's golden retriever ? He is very friendly , too friendly sometimes . I stay away from him because his stupid fur gets on everything . And , look , we 're both wearing black , so you know what I mean . You don 't have to touch him . " I followed her back through the house and to the driveway . She shook the deadbolt and said , " Just make sure this is locked , okay ? My mom really does think the place will get robbed , even though I told her she 's crazy . " I stood at the front door , watching Lara move lightly , almost skipping , down the stairs , the path , onto the driveway and into the backseat of the car with her mother and brother , who sat looking straight ahead . I turned the deadbolt and looked through the window , catching my reflection in the glass . Lara 's home was full of mirrors , and glass and other shiny things . The house was cold with air conditioning , like they were trying to keep all the flowers alive in a big refrigerator . I went through and touched the arrangements of lilies , tulips , the layering of leaves and the dusting of baby 's breath , scattered in vases and pots , lining the stairwell , the mantle , and the kitchen table . I picked up a stack of cards left on the counter . I opened the first and read a note that ended , " Our deepest sympathies . " The next card was painted with butterflies and inside , " Terribly sorry about your loss . " Next to the cards there were a few frames containing pictures of Lara 's father and their family . They looked contained , happy and safe . I wondered if she needed him , now that he was gone . I opened the door to Lara 's room and stepped inside . She left her suitcase on the floor . Her clothes were folded neatly in stacks and organized into different compartments for underwear and shampoo and other things that you would need to make a long trip . I sprayed the perfume . Her bag smelled like the mall . Except for her suitcase , the room was the same , the pink striped bedspread , the wide mirror with pictures of Lara with friends and boyfriends . Her mother had framed and hung the newspaper articles and pictures of Lara on the stage . Her teeth were always so white , her smile , always resilient , like she could smile at anything , anything at all . In Lara 's parents ' room , her father 's suits laid in a pile . I ran my fingers over the cool wool and pulled them together into a neat stack . The room was a mess and the bed was unmade , like the living was left undone . From the window , you could see the pool and gazebo in the backyard . I caught my reflection again before I saw that Murphy was tangled in his leash and panting in the sun . I pretended I was an actress like Lara , stepping lightly down the steps , my arms held wide and neck and shoulders straight , careful not to spill the wine . Outside , Murphy 's leash was wrapped around the plants that lined a shed . Holding his collar , I unclipped the rope and like a snake , it uncoiled from the branches . He licked the dripping water from my finger tips before I set the bowl in the shade . I looked at the pool and then around the fenced backyard . I remember the way Lara sprawled on the floating mattresses , tanning her long limbs , her eyes closed while she talked about her plans , " I am going to have a house like this someday , only bigger , " she explained , " And I will have a maid every day , not just once a week . " I waded down the steps into my knees , then pulled up the dress up over my head and tossed it on the grass , until I was standing alone , naked , except for my underwear . The water was cold , but I sunk slowly , my body warming the water that settled over my chest , then my neck and chin . Before I put my head under , I heard Murphy bark . The water reached below my nose , and I sunk deeper as I watched a hand reach over the gate , and unlatch it from the outside . A man entered , reached down to pet Murray , opened the door to the shed , and stepped inside . He looked a few years older than me , weathered , his face unshaven . I remembered what Lara said , " Everyone we know will be at the funeral . " Before the man saw me , I swam to the edge of the pool , quickly climbed out and pulled the black sundress back over my head . My body was wet and the cotton dress clung to my body . I stood at the opening of the shed , watching the man digging around in the dark . Before he looked up , I asked him what he was doing and if I could help him find something . He turned around abruptly , " Holy shit , man ! " When he asked who I was , I told him I was a friend of Lara 's and that I was watching the house . He shrugged , then nodded , " I 'll be quick , " he said and kept digging . I squeezed the water from the ends of my hair . He looked nervous and then said , " I came to grab a couple things , " then held up a fishing pole and then a tackle box , " These are mine . Jack borrowed them from me . " He started moving more hastily and pushed past me , holding the fishing pole and the box under his arm and I stepped back , while he latched the shed door behind him . I asked him who he was . " It doesn 't matter , " he answered , " And , you don 't need to tell them I came by . I just wanted to grab this without disrupting anything . " His hair was messy and his face dark , like he worked in the sun all day . He was walking back up towards the gate when I stopped him and asked him his name . " My name ? Well , I suppose it doesn 't matter to you . My name is Rylan . I 'm a friend of Jacks . " He looked agitated and started walking up the path and towards the fence , " See ya , " he lifted his hand to wave , but he was still holding the fishing pole . While he struggled with the latch , I asked him if he knew Lara . " Lara ? You mean Jack 's daughter ? " he asked . " I know he has a daughter , but I never met her . " I told him that Lara was my best friend and that I was watching the house for the family while they were at the funeral . I asked if he knew about the funeral . " I did , " he said , like he didn 't want to talk about it . He was still trying to unlatch the hinge with one hand , when I asked if he wanted to stay for a drink . If I had a house like Lara 's , I would always invite friends for drinks . " You 're quite the houseguest aren 't you ? " he laughed . He looked at me confused , " A drink , huh ? Suppose I could do that . I wasn 't sure where to go today . I was just going to go fishing , but it 's too hot now . " He said again , " I really don 't know where to go today . I don 't think the fish will be biting anyway . " I asked what kind of drink he liked and he said , " I 'll take a cold one if you 've got it . " I knew that meant he wanted a beer . I ran up the steps into the kitchen and found the bottles of beer in the back of the refrigerator . When I returned , Rylan was sitting on the lawn , resting on one elbow and petting Murphy . His cargo shorts sagged and I could see his boxers and a tan line where his real skin , his whiter skin , began . I handed him the bottle and he popped the lid off with a tool from his pocket . I sat down next to him , my dress was wet and covered in Murphy 's fur . I tried to wipe it off , remembering that Lara said . We were both quiet until Rylan said , " Watching the home while they are at the funeral , huh ? " he looked at me and raised his eyebrows , " There are definitely stranger things . " He held up the beer bottle , " Cheers , " he paused , " To Jack . " His bottle tapped my cup and we took a drink and swallowed at the same time . The wine burned my throat . When it was quiet again , I asked him why he wasn 't at the funeral . " I wasn 't expecting to go , " he told me . Then he asked , " Why didn 't you go ? " I told him that Lara and I were best friends and that she wanted me to take care of some things here instead . " Didn 't she want you at the funeral with her ? " he asked . I told him that some friends are so old , you depend on them , even when they are not around . " I guess so . Jack and I were fishing buddies . We met a few years ago when I moved out to the lake . You can get to know a man pretty well out there on a boat . Whether he is patient , forgiving , kind , " he paused , " Mean or aggressive , or deceitful , you know ? But Jack , he was good . He was a calm man . Patient . A hell of a fisherman . " He told me that Jack visited him out on the lake . That he used to make weekend escapes to get away from it all . " That 's how he met my mom . She was an artist . A sculptor . They both were artists though . Jack liked to work with his hands . He was a surgeon , but he was also a carpenter . A damned good one . You should see the work he did on my mother 's home . Her cabinets , built a new porch , a gazebo , better than this one , " he pointed with the bottle of beer , " He was very talented . " Rylan got quiet and started picking up pebbles and throwing them into the fence . Murphy was watching his hands , waiting for them to give him attention . " You can really hide out on the lake , " Rylan said . " That 's why Jack liked it . He had his privacy , but still , everyone knew his name . He wasn 't the same man he was in the city . He made a different life . " I told him that Lara had made a different life too , but hers was in a new city . " I never told you the reason I didn 't go , " Rylan said . " You never asked why I didn 't to go to the funeral . " I thought that he just didn 't like funerals . Some people don 't like funerals . " I wouldn 't be welcome there , " he said , looking out over the pool , which was flat like glass , except for the jets that blew over the surface . " There is a reason , " his face tightened , like a knot in a string . He didn 't say anything and was quiet until I asked him . " Jack had an affair with my mom . His wife found out a couple months ago and then the whole family found out . " I thought that maybe Lara didn 't know because she was in New York , maybe she had been away so long . I told him that I have known Lara for years , and she would have told me if she knew . " The whole family knows , but they aren 't saying anything . They 're calling her a crazy person and trying to keep it all quiet . Calling her a crazy person . A crazy patient . But she wasn 't . She was in love . " He kept talking , " Jack and I met one night at the tavern and he would come over and take the boat out with me . He and my mom , you know , first they would just talk , you know . Then he would stay late for dinner and drinks . Then he would say he was out fishing with me and I would cover for him . Everyone in the family blames me because Jack was my friend . His family found out and there were threats , and he tried to cut it off , and then , my mom snapped . " I asked him what he knew about Lara . " Jack talked about her all the time . Said she was a big star . Doing this , doing that . Sounded like a pain in the ass . He was always sending her money and sometimes he complained about her . She was ungrateful . Thought she would have been happier with a simple life . " I asked if he would like a girl like her . " Nah . And , Jack wouldn 't care . We weren 't like that . He knows what I think of him . I 'll always remember him the way he was . I really knew him , you know ? Not the way that your family knows you . The way you can be when no one is looking or expecting things . When you can be yourself and know that the person you are with doesn 't give a shit about who you were , what you 've done , because they know what they 've done . People are not that complicated , but a real person is something you kind of see in a flash . Like , if you watch a stranger eat , you can really see them , but only for a second , you know ? Sometimes when you get too close , you forget that . That 's what happened with my mom . She wanted too much . She stopped seeing him for who he was . Maybe she couldn 't see herself anymore either . " I told Rylan that Lara only asked me to watch the house because everyone else she knew would be at the funeral . " Maybe she doesn 't know you anymore , but she still trusts you . That is a compliment , " he said . Then , we both agreed it was better we didn 't have to stand in the hot sun wearing black . Everyone came busting through the front door at once . They were talking about what a lovely service it was , how many friends Lara 's father had and how many people respected him in the community . People walked past me , as if I had been with them the whole time . " He knew everybody and never hurt anyone . That 's why they loved him so much , " Lara said . It had been hours since Rylan left . He wanted to come in the house and look at pictures he had never seen . We pulled out old boxes of pictures and I showed him Lara 's room . He went in the office and looked at Lara 's dad 's chair and the certificates hanging on the wall , " He was quite impressive , right ? I wish I had a Dad like that . " While we walked through the house , he drank three more beers , getting kind of fidgety , " Thanks for letting me in , " he said , " I always wanted to see what Jack 's other life had been like . " Then it was time to go . I told him I understood and promised to keep quiet . Lara 's relatives and friends were trickling into the kitchen and making their way to the counter , picking through the food and digging through the fridge , just like Lara and I used to do after school . I asked how she was feeling and if she wanted to talk . " It 's been a really long day . A long day , you know ? I am not sure I have anything left to say . " I wanted her to tell me about the affair , that she was embarrassed , that her father had betrayed her . I wanted her to tell me how long it had been going on and that she was mad at him . I already knew . I wanted her to tell me , to let me back in . I was a part of it now . I wanted to keep Rylan 's secret , but I wanted to keep a secret for Lara too . I glanced over and watched her mother pulling Saran wrap from over a casserole , organizing the food on the counter and helping her guests in the kitchen . Then she poured a glass of wine . I asked Lara if her mother had forgiven her father . She asked again , " What are you saying ? " I said that I thought maybe his patient wasn 't just a patient . Then , I asked her what would make a woman do that . Lara smoothed her hair and took me by the hand , " Look , we 'll catch up someday , I promise . Now , I have to clean up this place and try to help my mother . Thanks again for doing this , " she said standing up , as if to walk me out . When we got to the front door , I paused and asked her again if there was anything she wanted to tell me . She told me to stop being weird and then asked , " Do you know something ? " I asked her if there was something she wanted me to know . She took me to the front porch , and sat with me in the old swing , her hand in mine , as she looked me in the eyes and said , " Stevie , this is important . If you know something , I need you to tell me . " This was the same expression I remembered , when we shared things . I remember how she used to look at me , when she needed me to listen . I shrugged and said that I would listen if she wanted me to , but that I didn 't know anything . " Okay , this is the thing . . . And you have to cross your heart and hope to die you never say anything . Like when we were kids . This is serious , " she said . She told me the story about the affair , and how her mother had suspected it for years , and how the whole family had kept it quiet on account of her father 's reputation . Then one day her mother couldn 't take it anymore , and she threatened to leave . So her father tried to cut it off , and that 's when she went into his office and shot him . " Look it doesn 't change anything really . It 's still murder . First or second degree , I don 't care , he 's already dead . The important thing is that we don 't tell . This is a family secret . Can you keep a secret for me , Stevie ? " I didn 't tell Lara that I met Rylan , or that he came over . I didn 't tell her that I let Rylan take the fishing pole and the tackle box out of the shed . I didn 't tell her that we went through her family photographs , or that I let Rylan take some of the old pictures of Jack . I also didn 't tell her that I took the perfume from out of her bag . I didn 't have to tell her , because she told me first . I told her that I could keep a secret . I told her that I would always be there for her and that if she ever needed me , I was there . Then she told me it was time to leave and that she had to help her mother inside . After she gave me a hug , and brushed her lips on my cheek , she said " But remember what I said Stevie . Cross your heart and hope to die , just like when we were kids . " I agreed . I agreed not to tell anyone . I had always kept Lara 's secrets . We were best friends .

Yesterday , we went to the eye doctor and got Grig some new glasses . His were broken by Kevin as well , and unlike mine , they were not repairable . We brought mine as well and they were able to put a new screw in and straighten them out ( mostly ) . They still have a mildly broken hinge , but I can wear them on my face , so they 're almost as good as new . Grig selected some pretty interesting glasses . I don 't want to spoil anything , but we 'll show you a picture as soon as they come in . I think you 'll be pretty amazed ! ; ) They told me that my teeth looked pretty good , though I have some mild cavities that need to be filled in . I 've always really liked the dentist for some reason . Perhaps it was because I came from a large family and it was nice to have one on one attention with someone focusing on me for a while . Who knows ? They also told me that they could tell I wasn 't from Utah because my teeth looked good . I 'm not sure what that says about Utah teeth . There was a television set up on the ceiling so I watched people build tree - houses while they cleaned my teeth . My aunt and uncle were nice enough to take Kevin while I had my appointment . He loves playing with his cousins . He thinks it 's pretty great . I 've spent a lot of the day editing my grandpa 's life history as well . We 're almost finished with it ! That 's pretty exciting , and it has been awesome to read . I 'm excited for the rest of my family to be able to read it too . Yesterday , we had an exciting day . In the morning we had pest control come to spray for cockroaches ( we haven 't seen many lately , but they were doing our whole building , so that was great ! ) I was frantically trying to finish cleaning before they got here , and finished just in time . Then , we had cousins come over to play with Kevin . He loves his cousins so much , but after a busy morning with a picnic and playing on the playground , he was worn out , so he fell asleep while they were still here . We had a lot of fun though . Then , Grig had to go straight from work to the dentist . Poor guy . That was a long day for him . He started work at 4 : 00 a . m . , went straight to the dentist at 3 : 40 p . m . , got home about 5 : 15 , and then had another couple of meetings at 6 : 00 p . m . . At the dentist , they performed a root canal and numbed up his tongue and jaw . Tonight , he has an eye doctor appointment , and I 'm going to take my glasses in to get them repaired as well . On Saturday , we were tired , and so Grig and I took a nap on the floor of Kevin 's room while he played . I still had my glasses on from the morning ( I usually wear contacts ) , and I foolishly played them somewhere where he could reach them . When I woke up , I couldn 't find them , and being blind I had to ask Grig to locate them . When he found them , it wasn 't good . A screw was missing and they were horribly bent out of shape . He couldn 't find one of the lenses . Well , I went and put my contacts back in , and cleaned Kevin 's room and located the missing lens , but not the screw . This last week , I also shaved the dog . Previously , I 've clipped her , but this time I went to an 1 / 8 of an inch . This is what Dakota looks like with no hair : She 's much happier and much cooler . She doesn 't pant hardly at all now , and she is far more relaxed . She doesn 't look too bad either , if I do say so myself . I quickly assured her that I wasn 't upset and that those things happen . The two women I was visiting were easily in walking distance , so Kevin and I decided to go by ourselves . He would be my companion for the day . Kevin set the pace and we began to walk . Eventually , after Kevin squashed an ant and a may - fly , we made it to her home . We enjoyed our visit , though she had a large robotic dinosaur that half frightened and half fascinated Kevin . After that visit we walked a few more blocks to see the second lady . We had a good chat with her as well , and Kevin enjoyed himself with playing with her toys . At that point , he was starting to act tired , and so we decided to head home . However , we passed another friend 's home , and they invited us to come play for a minute . Kevin was looking eager , and I decided it sounded like fun . We stayed there for a while , while he enjoyed playing with the children and I enjoyed chatting to the mother . After not too long , however , he started telling me he was getting tired . So , we decided to head home again . However , as we walked past another home , I followed an impulse and went and knocked on the door . This particular home was actually also a goat farm . When our ward helps people financially , it often will ask them to come and help milk the goats as a way to earn the money . I have kind of wanted to go just for fun . I vaguely knew the people , but not very well . Anyway , the man opened the door and we asked if Kevin could see his goats . He couldn 't hear me at first , so I had to speak up a bit louder . After he could hear me , he invited us in and sent us through the house and out the back door . He also told us that if we stuck around for a while , we could watch him feed the goats , because it was almost feeding time . We followed the trail that led from the backdoor to some sheds and were greeted by cute little baby nubian goats . Kevin was a little nervous at first , but eventually , he was brave enough to approach the gate and touch them . As we stroked the little ones though , I was shocked to see a humongous animal behind them . I realized it was the father , and it was huge ! I have never seen a goat this big . It was the size of a small horse or a large great dane ! This isn 't actually the goat , I think the one I saw was a little bigger than this , but I wanted to let you see that goats do grow this big ! Click on the picture to follow the link to its original source . The females were only about half the size of the male . They were all very sweet and tame . We stayed long enough to watch him bottle feed the youngest goats , and then we headed home . After a long drink , Kevin quickly fell asleep . He was wiped out , but he 'd had a great time . It had ended up being a three - hour trip . I really enjoyed myself as well . It 's nice to get out every once in a while . Posted by One of the things that we are looking forward to on our trip back east , is swimming in the river . The rivers on the east coast are quite warm . Last time we were there , we went in May and I could have stayed in the water all day . This year , we are going in June , and Grig says the water can be as warm as a bathtub . Conversely , the river water where we live is very cold , especially since the snow is still melting in the mountains . The run - off makes the rivers quite chilly . This weekend when we went to visit the geese again ( see this week 's video ) , we decided to go swimming since it was fairly warm the week before . However , when we showed up at the dam this time , the water was much deeper and chillier . I 'm used to swimming in cold water . I 've never had anything else . As long as you keep moving , your body adjusts to it . It is rare that the water doesn 't eventually feel warm to me after a while . My theory is that as you enter cold water , you blood kind of pulls inward to keep your core temperature warm . So , your limbs are allowed to cool down a bit . As your limbs cool , the temperature of the water doesn 't change , but your arms are cooler and so the water feels warmer simply by contrast . That 's my theory anyway . If anyone finds anything to prove or disprove that , I 'd be happy to read it . Sometimes I just go through life guessing why things work . When I was a kid , I thought Memorial Day was kind of boring . We went to a lot of cemeteries to pay our respects to departed ancestors , and when I was a kid , it seemed like we were visiting their graves forever ! Yesterday , I was pleased to discover that my attitude now is vastly different from what is was then . Lately , I 've been editing my grandfather 's life history and in the process I 've been learning about many of my family that used to live in this area . When we went up to the cemetery yesterday , we saw many names that I recognized . Instead of them simply being names on a rock , they were suddenly memorials of people who I knew something about . I am so grateful that I have the Plan of Salvation so I know that death isn 't permanent and our separation from family is only temporary . I don 't know how people can survive loss of family without that knowledge . It would be super depressing . This week , I 've been fasting all computer games , internet or otherwise . I 've really enjoyed it actually . I 've gotten more work done on animating and family history than I have in a month or so . Sometimes it is nice to just put away the entertainment and work on projects instead . The one down - side is that now I don 't feel like I get a break . Now , when I finish something , I think , " What should I do now ? " and the answer is usually , " Oh , I should work on this project . " So , I am getting a little stressed out because my mind feels like I 'm working all the time . Games and entertainment have their place as well . It 's all about finding the right balance in your life . It 's okay to occasionally play games as long as I limit the amount of time I spend on them and always puts Kevin 's needs first . If you want to try this , feel free . It wasn 't my idea originally . God thought it up first . If you think it will help you , please try it . There 's nothing like knowing you are stronger than your impulses . At first , this was a point of pride for Kevin 's parents . At a mere ten months , he was already climbing on and off couches and beds . However , at seventeen months , things were beginning to get a little more intense . Kevin 's parents were proud and horrified at the same time . Their last secure stronghold ( the computer desk ) was now under attack from their incredible toddler . No matter what they tried , the security of the desk was compromised . If they moved the kennel away , Kevin was tall enough to reach the printer chord . If they left the kennel alone , they couldn 't prevent their son from climbing on top of it and trying to jump off . The mother and father were now concerned . Unfortunately , along with his climbing abilities , Kevin had not received super strength ( though he was pretty tough ) . They now faced the unanswerable question that every parent with a male offspring had uttered : how could they keep their son safe ? Kevin and I were taking a look at baby boy swimming trunks because we 're going to be swimming this summer . Kevin was walking next to me and I spotted a really cute pair of trunks . I glanced away from Kevin and glanced back and he was gone ! I had always thought mothers were silly when they couldn 't find their children among clothing racks . Now I know better . The low - hanging clothing shields tiny children from view and they can be just on the other side of it and invisible . When I saw that Kevin was gone , my heart stopped for a second . I tried to calm myself by reassuring my brain that Kevin was just on the other side and I 'd find him quickly . However , as I walked around the rack of clothing , he wasn 't there ! It probably only took me a minute or so , but it felt like the longest minute of my life . When I found him , he was just standing a couple racks over with his arms dangling at his side and a smile on his face that loudly pronounced that he was up to no good . One of Kevin 's favorite games is to go hide and wait for you to find him , and when you do he laughs and thinks it is great fun . This time it wasn 't so fun for me . He was just fine and I was very relieved , but it took a while for my heart rate to go back down . I 'm ashamed to admit that their was a part of my mind that never thought I was going to be one of those people who lost their children in the clothing at stores . I thought that was just something that happened to kids with disobedient children ( although I do remember it was great fun to hide from my mother in the racks . It was like a giant playground ) . Being a mother is very humbling . Sometimes judgements you didn 't even know you had are exposed and turned on their heads . It really only takes a moment for kids to take off . It doesn 't matter how careful you are , it can happen to anyone , especially when your son enjoys playing games where he hides from you . I am so grateful that he was fine and we quickly found him . We have a fantastic kid and I don 't want anything to happen to him , but he does like to get into trouble sometimes . I 'm not always going to be able to be there to protect him , but hopefully we can raise him to make good choices when he 's on his own and we 're not there to watch over him . We are super excited about it , but as traced the route in our atlas , I began to realize how long this trip really is . We 'll be crossing 11 states from start to finish ! That 's crazy . I told Kevin last night that by the time he is two he is going to have visited more states than I had at the age of 18 . He 's already been to Washington DC , Maryland , Virginia , Utah , Idaho , Wyoming , and Texas ( kind of , he was in the womb at the time , so I don 't know if that last one counts . He was there , he just couldn 't see anything ) . We 're going to be adding quite a few more states to that list before long . Grig and I are very similar . We 're not very detailed trip planners . However , last night as we were tracing our route , we began to think of places that we wanted to stop at while we traveled . We listed off a couple , but mostly we just want to kind of fly by the seat of our pants . That 's not to say that we haven 't planned at all . We know how far we 're going to be traveling each day , and approximately what our start times and stopping times will be . We 've already reserved our hotel ( we have family we are going to be staying with the other nights ) , and we 're planning on completing our 34 hour trip in 3 days . We 're pretty stoked . I love road - trips , and we like visiting family as well . We are excited to visit Grig 's parents ' home and spend time with Kevin 's aunts and uncles as well . We are also looking forward to seeing his great - grandma . As we 've been planning , I 've been trying really hard to avoid getting stressed about the trip . We have a limited amount of funds for it , but after careful calculations , we found out that we would be saving between $ 300 - $ 600 by driving instead of flying . Traveling time will be longer , but the only decent priced tickets I could find had a 24 hour layover anyway , so at least we 'll be moving and exploring instead of sitting in an airport . Overall though , we 've been very blessed and we 're very grateful that we are able to go on this trip . We 're planning on packing food to take with us so that we don 't have to pay to eat out a lot as well . If we 're conservative about our cash , we should be just fine ! I love church . There are Sundays where the three hours seem to last a long time , but usually it goes pretty quick for me . Those days when church seems to drag on is usually because Kevin didn 't want to sit still and was getting pretty grumpy . The first meeting is the most important meeting . We call it Sacrament Meeting . This is where we partake ( eat and drink ) of the emblems ( the bread and water ) that renew our covenants ( promises ) that we made when we chose to be baptized . This is a ordinance , so it is performed exactly the same way every Sunday . When we eat and drink of the bread and water in remembrance of our Savior , we are promising to always remember him , keep his commandments , and take his name upon us as disciples of Christ . It is a very sacred thing , and the main reason that we meet together . Each Sunday , following the Sacrament , we also have a couple speakers ( regular people from the ward , there is no paid clergy ) , and some musical numbers . The next meeting is Sunday school . We are separated by age . Eighteen and up goes to the adult class , while the kids younger than that are separated by year in primary . In this class we learn about the scriptures and teachings of the prophets . This year we are studying the Old Testament . The younger primary kids ( 3 - 8 ) meet in a large group and have a lesson and music time , while the older kids meet in age group classes . The last 50 minutes are spent in classes separated by gender . I love this hour a lot ! The women meet in what is called Relief Society , the men meet in what is called Priesthood , the teenagers meet in Young Men 's and Young Women 's , and the kids in primary switch with the kids 8 - 12 now meeting in the larger group and the younger kids having class . There is also a class called Nursery , which is for toddlers age 18 months to 2 . When they turn three they go to primary . Kevin isn 't quite old enough for Nursery , but they told us we could start taking him in anyway . He 's only a couple weeks away anyway . He loves it for the most part . Yesterday I was playing piano for primary . During the third hour , the lady who was leading the music asked me to go with her to nursery for singing time . I wasn 't sure if I should because Kevin was in there , and it might make him sad for me to come in and then leave , but finally I said yes . They 're just so adorable , I couldn 't help but want to come . When my grandparents were kids , they spread these meetings out throughout the week . However , at one point , they felt that it would be easier on everyone to just have them in a solid chunk , and I agree . I would rather go to church once then have to come back later in the day for a second meeting . I know that church is important . Some people think that they can gain all the spirituality they need on their own , but I disagree . My testimony is strengthened when I hear the testimonies of those around me . It is a fantastic opportunity to hear what others have to say and learn from them . I 'm grateful that we have so much church . It helps me be a disciple of Christ all week long and not just on Sunday . I want the Spirit to be with me all the time , and not just at church . In going to church for three hours , I make a habit of giving my time to the Lord , and I know that I am blessed in return . Yesterday I was contemplating what a strange thing youtube is . It 's like America 's Funniest Home Videos combined with The Truman Show , except that people know you 're watching their every move . It also seems the weirder the personality , the more popular they are . It is also weird which strange things become popular , or ' go viral ' . Nyan Cat is a good example of this . Who knew a cat head on a pop - tart with rainbows shooting out of its behind would get several million views . I 'm currently working on an animation for youtube . It stars a cartoon corgi puppy . We 'll see how it does . I 'm also working on a project for my cousin , so that 's why I haven 't done much with Dragon and the Wolf lately . My new animation program and I are really beginning to understand each other . Usually , after I 've spent hours trying to do something , it suddenly clicks and when I finally figure out how to do it , I think , " Wow ! That 's really simple . " I love animating . My main problem at this point is backgrounds . I 'm not so good with them , and I 'm not as interested in drawing them as I am in drawing the animals and such . However , the more I practice , the better I get , so I guess I 'll overcome that obstacle too . There are definite advantages to youtube and things like it . It is nice to be able to keep in touch that way and show awesome videos to friends , family , and perfectly random strangers . However , the more scandalous ads that pop up in the sidebar make us think about maybe purchasing some adblockers . We like youtube , but if the images that appear on it get much worse , we might have to take our videos and go somewhere else . Whenever Kevin sees a bird , he starts whistling in and out . Yesterday we spent a lot of the morning chasing robins across the field . They would hold still until he would get pretty close , and then they would fly away . It was very fun and frustrating for the little guy . The other day we went to a duck pond . Kevin was a bit tired ( it was almost nap time ) , but he was so excited to see the ducks and ducklings . He wanted to touch them so badly . As he ran toward them , he would cackle with excitement . However , whenever he would get close to them on the grass , they would waddle into the water and out of his reach . That didn 't deter him though . He tried to step right out into the water with them . I had to grab him and pull him away . That was very sad for him . He broke down in tears and sobbed . It was very cute and sad . Later three ducks came running onto the playground that was near the pond . The children spotted them , and they converged upon the ducks like wolves on a deer . The ducks looked up just in time and took off for the water with the toddling pack behind them . I laughed pretty hard . Yesterday , Grig , Kevin , and I went to a place with a lot of ducks and geese . It 's called Third Dam . We brought some old bread we had and Kevin got to feed it to the geese . He loved that ! He didn 't even get bitten by any geese . The geese would walk away if he got too close . We also waded into the river and it wasn 't too cold ! We had a great time . We ran out of bread far too quickly . Next time we 'll have to bring more . Kevin couldn 't get enough of the birds . He eventually started getting tired and hungry , but by then Grig and I were hungry too , so it worked out great . We all had a great time . I really enjoyed myself as well . It 's nice that summer is finally here . I 've missed swimming and being outdoors . We took some great video as well . Expect to see it this Saturday ! One day , my mother looked down at her ring and realized that the diamond was missing from it . She knew it hadn 't been gone too long , but she searched around the house and couldn 't find the diamond anywhere . So , she pulled the vacuum bag out of the vacuum and stored it in the closet until she had a chance to go through it and see if the diamond was in it . Then , one day , I was looking for something to do and my mother remembered the vacuum bag . She asked me if I wanted to look through the dirt and stuff in the vacuum for the diamond . I quickly agreed to do it . It sounded like fun to me . ( I 'm kind of a strange person ) . So , we spread out a sheet on the floor and I dumped out the bag . I spent the next couple of hours combing through lint , dirt , and other unmentionables . I kind of enjoy meticulous tasks that don 't require much thought because I enjoy thinking about other things while I 'm doing them . Imagine my delight however , when suddenly I saw something glinting in my hands . I had actually found the tiny diamond amid all the garbage ! I was pretty excited and raced upstairs to show my mother . We cleaned it off and after discussing the event with my father , they offered me a reward for my hard work . I was in high school . I should have known that I could have bought a couple candy canes with the ten bucks , but money has never really been that important to me . At the time , the candy sounded much better . Happy Mother 's Day , by the way . I haven 't mentioned too much about it , but it definitely was on our thoughts this weekend . That 's one of the reasons we went to my parents ' home to visit . I hope all of you mothers had a fantastic day and your kids were nice to you . Also , to those of you who find Mother 's Day painful for one reason or another , I send you my love . Not everyone is a mother or has a mother to celebrate . He seemed to be doing fine . At 9 : 30 p . m . , we went to bed , and he was sleeping in his own bed . We quickly drifted off to sleep , feeling pretty good about the way the night was going . What felt like a long time later , I began to have restless dreams . In my dreams , I was nursing Kevin , but he wouldn 't go to sleep . I dreamed that if I fed him with the correct combination , he would stay asleep , but I kept getting the wrong order . Frustrated , I finally woke up fully to realize that it wasn 't a dream , and Kevin was wide awake . He would nurse for a few minutes , and then cry . I didn 't know what was wrong , but after a few more minutes of this , I was feeling tired and a bit grumpy . At that point , Grig woke up and volunteered to take the baby for a while . Fearing that he was in pain from teething , he said he was also going to give him some Tylenol . I agreed , and I dozed off again . An hour or so later , he returned with the baby , and I tried to help Kevin fall asleep . However , now the dog was up and panting , so Grig couldn 't sleep either . Finally , at 1 : 30 a . m . , he decided he might as well take the baby out . At that point , I finally stopped being selfish . " No , " I told him . " You have to get up at 4 : 00 a . m . , but I can sleep in . I 'll take the baby and the dog so you can go to sleep . " It was a long night . I turned on Kevin 's videos , and he sat quite happily on my lap , but he just didn 't want to sleep . As tiring as it was , we enjoyed our time together , and it really wasn 't that hard to stay awake with him . I had a pretty good time . At 3 : 50 a . m . , Kevin finally gave up the fight and fell asleep . Wearily , we went back into the bedroom , and I laid Kevin on our bed and tried to go to sleep . However , by that point , though I felt exhausted , i couldn 't sleep anymore . It wasn 't until Grig left for work that I finally managed to go back to sleep . Kevin 's spoiled us . He 's always been a good sleeper , so we haven 't had too many of these sleepless nights . Strangely , he sleeps worse now than he did as a baby . I 'm about ready the wean the boy . At 17 months , he doesn 't need to be waking up every four hours or so . We went to my parents ' home this weekend . We had a great time , and Kevin really enjoyed playing with his cousins . It was nice and relaxing . It was warm enough for the most part that Dakota got to stay outside , and I saw her rolling around in the grass with delight . She 's missed being outside sometimes , I think . At night she came inside so she didn 't freeze to death . She survived the trip none the worse . Everything went well until we were returning home Sunday morning . As we were packing , Grig asked me if I had seen his Sunday shoes . I told him I hadn 't . We looked around , but assumed the shoes were in his suitcase . We were in a hurry because I was trying to get back in time for church . I had to teach in Relief Society and I didn 't want to miss it . With horror , we realized that we had left his shoes at my parents ' home . He didn 't have any other Sunday - type shoes , so he put on his bright white wedding shoes , and we reluctantly decided we were probably going to have to buy him another pair of black Sunday shoes . It would be cheaper than mailing or driving to get them , and he couldn 't really do without them . I told Grig I didn 't think anyone would even notice his shoes , but he was convinced he was going to be made fun of . I bet him that no one was going to talk about them . Unfortunately , the first person we met at church pointed at Grig 's shoes and said , " I 'll trade you shoes ! " 18 And who shall say that Jesus Christ did not do many mighty miracles ? And there were many mighty miracles wrought by the hands of the apostles . 19 And if there were miracles wrought then , why has God ceased to be a God of miracles and yet be an unchangeable Being ? And behold , I say unto you he changeth not ; if so he would cease to be God ; and he ceaseth not to be God , and is a God of miracles . 20 And the reason why he ceaseth to do miracles among the children of men is because that they dwindle in unbelief , and depart from the right way , and know not the God in whom they should trust . 21 Behold , I say unto you that whoso believeth in Christ , doubting nothing , whatsoever he shall ask the Father in the name of Christ it shall be granted him ; and this promise is unto all , even unto the ends of the earth . Miracles do occur in our day , even if it is something simple like a pair of shoes appearing where we could have sworn they didn 't exist before . The Lord loves his children , and if we believe in him and have faith in him , anything is possible . Even if we did find out how the shoes got there , that wouldn 't make the event any less of a miracle in my eyes . We were praying to find the shoes , and we did . That is enough for me . didn 't reach our destination until about 1 : 30 a . m . Kevin and Dakota slept the whole way , Grig read to me , and I drove . As I was driving , I could feel my muscles stiffening up . That wasn 't so much fun . By the time we got to my parents ' home , my legs ached and I was tired . I usually drive on long trips because Grig likes to read to me in the car , and I like it when he does so . We 've been reading C . S . Lewis 's Space Trilogy , and we finished the second book last night . It is quite good , if occasionally long - winded . Dakota ( because it is finally warm enough ) was asked to sleep outside last night . It rained , but she was just fine this morning . In fact , I caught her rolling in the grass when it warmed up a little more . I think she is enjoying being outside , despite the weather . Interestingly , though one it 's one of the things that I 've always been in love with , I haven 't done much with animals on this blog . Mostly , I 've focused on religion and my family . I 'm trying to figure out how to incorporate my love of animals further into this blog . Mostly , it 's been fairly unstructured , except for Mormon Monday , but I want to try and change that a little bit . Some days it 's difficult to think of things to write about . I 've been working on this blog daily for nine months . If it were a baby , it would be ready to be born now . With over 20 , 000 views , perhaps it 's time for a revamp . I 'll have to think about it over this weekend . Perhaps I 'll update the layout a bit and think about how to make it more exciting and interesting . If you have any suggestions , feel free to let me know ! Meanwhile , more exciting things should be coming on our youtube channel . We 've got some great ideas for some videos ( not just videos of Kevin , but those will continue as well ) . We will be taking a long road - trip in June , so we may have a short hiatus during that period , but we 'll see . Again , I 'd love suggestions . We really appreciate those of you who have stuck with us over the last few months . We love having you as part of our lives ! Monday , we 'd had a pretty busy day . Mid - way through the day , a friend of mine called . She was wondering if I could baby - sit her daughter all day on Tuesday while she went to a job training , and I was only too happy to help out . Her daughter is a sweet little girl , and Kevin loves having her over . That night , after Grig and I were finally sitting down to relax , I suddenly realized with horror that I had forgotten all about my dentist appointment that day ! It was too late to call the office , but I resolved to do so first thing in the morning . As I stewed and stressed over the missed appointment , I couldn 't help but think that if I had just checked my planner like I thought about doing , I would have been reminded about it . Luckily , the office wasn 't upset , and they rescheduled with me . I was very grateful that they did so . If seems like they won 't even charge us a fee , which would be a huge blessing . Yesterday 's babysitting went really well . Kevin had a great time . He 's a sweet little guy . They took alternating naps , which meant I never got any alone time , which was a little difficult for me , but we still had a good time and we got a lot done . Last night , after Kevin fell asleep , I went and played soccer again . It is a lot of fun , and the girls there are super nice . There was one funny moment when a younger woman came in , and an older sister said , " You 're probably too young to play . You have to be at least 31 . " Someone else quickly corrected her . She had thought that it was for 31 + year olds . Luckily it was for women 18 and up or I would have had to leave . It turns out that most of the ladies there are older than 31 though . They don 't seem like it . I have a principle that says that if I offer to help , I have to be willing to actually help . So , I admitted that I play piano . She then informed me that her ex - husband wasn 't overly religious , but he was patriotic , so patriotic music would be fine . I 've never really played piano for a funeral . I hope I don 't ruin it . My grandma loaned me some patriotic sheet music , and hopefully I can do okay . On her way through , my sister stopped to say goodbye to us . Kevin enjoyed playing with his cousin for a little while . It was nice to see her before she and her family left . Before we moved into our current apartment , we felt inspired to ask Havelock if he wanted to come live with us . He had been wanting to come to the west coast for some time , but hadn 't had the opportunity . He accepted , and so we decided to get a three bedroom apartment . Living with Havelock has been a great experience . He and he nephew are really good friends , and we all learned a lot from each other . Sometimes it was challenging to have someone else live with us , but it was definitely worth it . As he prepared to leave , I experienced my first taste of what it 's like to send your kids off to college . It 's a little scary , because after they leave , they 're kind of on their own . You just kind of have to trust in them and the Lord that they 're going to be okay . I 'd always kind of assumed parents couldn 't wait to get their kids out of the house once they turned 18 , but now I understand that letting your kids leave is also an exercise on faith . I 'm sure Havelock will be just fine . All of us have matured since he came to live with us , and I think he 's really enjoying the college life , even though he 's not going to college . He 's just learning to be independent . He felt like it was time to move out , and so he got his own apartment up on campus . Luckily , campus allows non - students to live in their apartments . Dakota ( our dog ) was in a lot of pain Sunday night . I woke up to hear her panting at a million miles an hour . Thinking she needed to go outside , I took her out , but after we came in , she continued to pant . She calmed down a little bit , but a couple of house later I woke up to hear her breathing very quickly again . Grig took her out , ( I was busy with Kevin ) , and he said he thought she was in pain from her arthritis because she didn 't really need to go and she was hobbling down the stairs . She laid down on the floor in obvious distress . So , after I finished feeding Kevin , I got off the bed and laid next to her . I proceeded to give her a full - body massage . As I worked on her sore muscles , her breathing slowed and she fell asleep . So . . . last night I gave her a bath . She 's funny , because she doesn 't like to get into the bathtub , but once she 's in there , she 'll relax and lay down in the water . I massaged soap into her fur and gave her another massage as she relaxed in the water . When we finished , I dried her off and she was a completely different dog ! She went running around the house and for the rest of the evening , she was relaxed . She didn 't even pant . It was bizarre because she pants all the time , but she was so quiet that I had to keep looking around to find where she was . I 'm glad that helped her so much . We might need to look into getting her some pain meds . Poor girl . At almost 14 years old , she 's starting to fall apart . I guess that 's what happens when animals and people age . Grig and I are trying to decide if we should get another dog before she leaves us , or after . It 's a hard decision to make , and hard to think about her dying at all . We 'll at least wait to think about it until after our trip back east this summer . We 're going to be driving across the entire country to visit family . I 'm pretty excited . I love road trips , though we 're not sure if Kevin is going to . It 's going to be at least 32 hours on the road .

Occasionally I find myself sifting through the archives here , usually looking for details about something I 've since forgotten . Like , when did Squeakles start putting two words together ? Because as big a deal as that was at the time ( and it wasn 't that long ago , really ) , I already can 't quite put my finger on it . As I search around on the site , I usually find myself getting lost for about twenty minutes , taking a stroll down memory lane . That usually prompts me to think about taking up blogging again . And that 's as far as it gets , until the next time I look something up . I feel like writing here again would require that I catch you up on what 's happening since I left off , but since I don 't have time to write an autobiography , here 's the quick summary , with the important details to be filled in as we go . I 've changed jobs and I 'm currently working as a professor at a big university . My job is primarily teaching oriented and I think it 's going to be perfect for me , though it 's been a tough start - prepping for a huge course load with no previous experience or materials o speak of . I basically didn 't sleep at all last year . tough for Squeakles . More on that later maybe , as details are needed , but in the immediate , I was really apprehensive about how he would do at the the new school . Well , I am completely blown away - the Weeble is also doing great . She talks all the time and has a really persistent but loving personality . She 's the littlest one among us but refuses let herself get overlooked ! In other news , we just had a hurricane blow overhead ( " hurricame " if you pronounce it the way Squeakles does ) . We haven 't actually left the house since it happened , but we never lost power , the basement didn 't flood , and everything from the windows looks just fine . There was massive flooding in New York and New Jersey ( I don 't need to tell you that ) , but I 'm headed back to work in Philadelphia tomorrow ! I am tired of life always feeling so busy that I can 't keep up . And by keep up , I mean , get enough sleep and not have the apartment look like a tornado just blew through . And I certainly never seem to manage to write posts here on a regular basis . But this weekend I got out of the house - out of the state even ! ( okay just to New Jersey ) - on a " mom date " , which stereotypically involved the grocery store and coffee . That 's what moms are supposed to do , right ? But it was wonderful . My friend D took me to a Vietnamese grocery store , then to Wegmans , and then to Panera Bread ( after all , we were playing suburban moms with a car ) . Among my exciting purchases : a 50 lb bag of premium rice ( Kokuho ) , sticky rice and banana wrapped in banana leaves , noodles , Chinese broccoli , and Firecracker chocolate ( dark chocolate with chipotle , salt and popping candy ) . In the past couple of weeks I am rediscovering the importance of getting out beyond the small world of my family and my immediate work colleagues . It 's not that there 's anything wrong with them , but keeping my sphere of interactions so small makes me think very narrowly about life in general . Of course , it 's hard when you have two small children and a full time job to just go out on a whim . But what I end up doing is living week by week , each week feeling the immediate pressures of things that need to get done , and not taking a little time out to relax and gain some perspective . Also in the past few weeks I am starting to enjoy my family life a little bit more . Squeakles has largely gotten past the tantrums . There are still remnants , but he no longer throws a fit when we bring him to school , bring him home , or basically ask him to do anything . When he tries it we are usually either able to talk him out of it , or some time in his room by himself does the trick . Today he was in a fantastic mood - chatting all day long to anyone within earshot , or when we attempted a ( failed ) nap , he just kept talking happily to himself . He even chatted up one of our neighbors when we were in the laundry room . I was standing at the washer throwing him wet clothes which he was trying to catch and then put in the drier . Every time he caught one , he would crane around to see our neighbor , saying things to her like " I did a good job catching what Mommy throwed me ! " or " I caught that one with my face ! " Later I asked him if he remembered her name and giddily he joked that her name was Cilantro . He was so pleased with this joke that he brought it back hours later , calling me Cilantro with a big laugh and a look of utter delight on his face . He also hasn 't mastered gender pronouns fully , though I actually suspect he 's not really clear what gender / sex actually is . He does tend to correctly refer to me and Weeble as " she " and J as " he " , but it 's not 100 % . And he 's definitely noticed a difference in our anatomy , though I think he 's simply just mystified by it . As for people outside the family , he tends to refer to everyone as " he " . Just the other day , a woman with extremely long hair said something to him and when she passed by , he asked " What did he say to me ? " Sort of related to the above point , a couple of weeks ago we were standing in front of the elevator doors at his preschool , musing about whether anyone would be inside . The doors opened and a middle aged woman came out and walked past us . I am pretty sure she was within earshot , but I 'm not sure she was able to make out what Squeakles said ( I hope not ) : " It 's a grandma ! " ( My concern about her hearing is that she was not all that old . I take that as a compliment to his own grandmothers who do not look the least bit elderly , but I doubt that the woman who was called a " grandma " would assume that ! J got back from a trip to San Francisco on Wednesday morning after flying overnight . He crawled right into bed and I commented to Squeakles that Daddy was going to bed in the morning ! J tried to explain to him that in San Francisco it was still nighttime even though it was morning here . Squeakles thought it over for a second and then said , " Two suns ! " I was so impressed with his reasoning that I jumped right in with an explanation about how the sun moves around the earth , then tried to correct myself , and then was kind of relieved to notice that no one was really listening to me . : ) And our Weeble is such a little sweetie who is happy almost all the time unless she has a specific need to eat or sleep or have her diaper changed . Otherwise she spends her time either raising her arm up in the air and smiling at us , or inspecting the floor for anything she can put into her mouth . She loves to laugh in that way that babies do - uncontrollable belly laughs when something surprises her or strikes her as really funny ( like fingers crawling towards her ) . At ten months old , she still isn 't talking , but yesterday she started saying " uh oh " with a little glint in her eye whenever she dropped something ( usually on purpose ) . Squeakles continues to have his sleep problems , but we have just compounded them by taking the " fier " ( pacifier ) away . We tried about a week ago , but gave in because no one was sleeping well to begin with because everyone was sick , and anyway both J and I were going out of town the following weekend . But last night I just told him no more fier . He already doesn 't use one at school for naps , so he didn 't freak out about it . He definitely has more trouble getting to sleep , but I 've been being really gentle about it - not getting frustrated with him when he tells me he 's having trouble sleeping ( over and over ) , but instead trying to help him relax and go to sleep - a couple of head rubs , some quiet ( and hopefully ) boring counting , etc . If you 've ever had any tooth pain , you probably know how debilitating and painful it is . It 's always surprising to me just how much pain you can feel from a tiny little chunk of tooth - such a little piece in the grand scheme of our whole body . In fact , I 've been putting off having my extracted tooth replaced with an implant because I just haven 't been able to foresee a week which would be a particularly good one to ruin . Keeping this in mind makes me all the more sympathetic to my poor little Weeble who has basically been getting her entire top palette of teeth all at once . The front two teeth have finally broken through , but when I can manage to get a close enough look , I think she 's also getting the two side front teeth and possibly even the two on the outsides of that . That seems so unlikely - I don 't think that 's how teeth usually come in - but when I look at her gums I can see the bulging outlines of those teeth right at the surface . On a positive note however , the past couple of nights have been significantly better for her . Now that the top two teeth have cut through , her fever 's been gone for a few days now . And her congestion has finally gotten a lot better . Last night she slept for about 11 hours straight ! Now that she 's feeling better she has started scooting all over the place . Her main goal seems to be to taste everything in the room - from whatever little crumbs she can scavange off the ground to the straps on a backpack . Whatever she gets her hands on goes straight into her mouth . Even if we try to plug her mouth with a pacifier as a stopgap , she just takes the pacifier out , pops in whatever she 's just picked up , and then replaces the pacifier - so that if we weren 't watching it happen , we would never know . Squeakles just watches her like she 's a crazed animal . She 's still not saying very much - she 's been too focused on growing teeth and learning how to crawl . But in between jaunts across the room , she often stops to sit and look around for us . When she catches our eye , she smiles , raises one arm up to the sky , and says " d ' oh " or " day - o " . Somehow Squeakles is sleeping and we are so , so grateful for that . That 's not to say he doesn 't still wake up in the night , sometimes up to four times . But there are nights he doesn 't call us at all , and when he does , it usually only requires a short visit to his room . Very occasionally he has a dream and calls me to tell me things like how " Weeble was not doing a good job of not putting batteries in her mouth " or crying about how Koji ( our cat ) " broke the remonitor [ thermometer ] - why did he break the remonitor ! ? " In contrast to her brother , Weeble has been a fantastic sleeper right from the start . She slept so well as a newborn that I kept asking the doctor if she was ok . When she was about eight weeks old she switched her sleep schedule to include sleeping at night , and from that point on , we all slept through the night . It is truly mindblowing . But a little over a week ago her lingering cold moved up inside her sinuses and she has been so stuffed up she can hardly drink or sleep . When she tries to drink from the bottle , she can 't breathe out of her nose , and so she starts gasping and sputtering . Typically we can only manage to feed her two or three ounces at a time before she gets frustrated or tired and pushes the bottle away . And sleep is a complete disaster . But the sleep is compounded by a second factor - teething . It was clear that she was cutting her top teeth , because starting a couple of weeks ago she started slobbering all over everything and soaking the front of her clothes . She also started runnng a low grade fever that would occasionally go up to 103 in the middle of the night . She became truly miserable at night . She would try to sleep , but was just clearly uncomfortable . And we have been trying everything - rocking , bouncing , singing , movies , baby Tylenol , the nasal aspirator , and saline drops . And finally , sleeping on top of our chests . Daycare sent her home last Thursday and then we just kept her home ourselves on Friday because her fever was up to 103 during the night . Because of this , her sleep schedule has been really messed up . Lately she dozes off a little before 8 and then wakes up sometime between midnight and 2 : 30 , crying and no longer with any intention of sleeping . When J and I have tried to fight through it to get her back to sleep , she just cries and cries and cries . And obviously we don 't sleep either . So for the past few nights we 've been trading off Weeble care , and therefore alternating whose turn it is to sleepwalk through the day . Last night I was finishing up a presentation I had to give today , so I ( stupidly and naively ) told J to go to bed when it was about midnight , telling him that I was " sure I could bounce her to sleep " . Clearly I was dreaming when I said that . By 1 : 30 she still wasn 't going to sleep and I was getting not only tired , but a little panicked because I had to get up at 6 : 30 and wanted to be at least a little rested for work . But Weeble wasn 't thinking about that . So I confess , I put her in front of the tv and went to sleep . Yes , that is what over a week of sleep deprivation will do to you . I didn 't just leave her of course - I put her swaddled in the bouncy seat and I lay down next to her on the couch . I got about an hour of sleep like that before I heard her crying and I suspect she 'd started to drift off and then woke up again . I tried bouncing her from my supine position on the couch , but she just cried more . Eventually I had to pick her up and lay her on my chest and bounce around like I was a living bouncy seat , while she alternated between crying and putting her head down to go to sleep . By 4 am she was finally out and so was I . Only to be awakened by the alarm at 6 : 30 . But the good news is that she has a new front tooth now . ( Well , kinda . So far it 's just a shiny spot on her gums . ) This morning he whined , cried , yelled , and screamed at every step that got him closer to school . He didn 't want to change his clothes , he didn 't want to eat breakfast , and even when I plopped him on the toilet before going , he tried to stop peeing mid - stream to demonstrate that he did not want to do these things . My approach was simply to soldier on , get him ready and out the door by 8 : 30 , whether he 'd eaten or not . But I will confess to losing my cool pretty early on when he was screaming . In fact , both J and I got angry when he was doing that , but now upon further reflection , we think that our getting angry wasn 't having the effect of laying down the law , but instead was ramping up the tension . We left the house at 9 am , only half an hour after I 'd wanted to . That 's not bad , but I was really annoyed and vowed in my head to start getting Squeakles up at least half an hour earlier next week in case he intends to throw a long drawn out fit again . Right before leaving , Squeakles asked for a pacifier " so that I won 't scream and cry " . I was torn because he never uses a pacifier except when he 's sleeping , but at the same time he asked without whining and he seemed aware that he was trying to find a way to keep calm . So we gave him the pacifier . J stayed at home because he 'd suffered the same sudden vomiting the previous night that I 'd had two nights prior . When I threw up , we thought that maybe I was actually just that stressed out because we 'd eaten all the same food that day and yet he wasn 't sick . But when J got sick after eating the leftover spare ribs that we 'd had on the day I got sick , I suddenly remembered that I 'd bought three packages of individually cut ribs ( instead of one package of ribs I would have had to cut myself ) . Probably J had eaten from the good packages the first time , and then yesterday when he had leftovers , he ate the ribs from came from the package that had made me sick . I had only eaten one rib , so I couldn 't have eaten from multiple packages . I guess there must have been something wrong with the ribs to start with , because I don 't think they were undercooked - they were cooked at 300 degrees for three hours and the meat looked fully cooked , fell easily off the bone , etc . I 'd been nauseous and tired after I 'd been sick , and J was the same , so he decided to rest at home . ( Fortunately , Squeakles had only eaten a little bit of the ribs on the first night and didn 't get sick that night , and then didn 't eat any of the leftovers . ) Squeakles was quiet on the way to school , but when we got to the door he started saying again that he didn 't want to go to school . I quickly dropped Weeble off at her classroom , giving her a little kiss as she started to cry when she saw me leaving . ( She was either crying because I was leaving , or because the teacher had the audacity to try to take off her coat . Maybe it was both . ) Then I got Squeakles out of the stroller and with a bit of cajoling , into the classroom . He immediately pulled me over to the play kitchen and tried to make sure I would stay with him and that we would not go anywhere near the other kids . I talked with the teacher a bit , who completely understood the situation and has been observing the exact same kind of behaviors from Squeakles that we 've been seeing at home . In the meantime , across the room , I watched as the other little boy who started in the class on the same day as Squeakles , was bawling and hanging on to his dad . ( This poor kid is crying his eyes out almost every time I see him . ) I showed Squeakles that this other boy was also sad because he didn 't want his daddy to leave , and then pointed out the other kids in the classroom who have been coming to school for a longer time and who are now having fun together . I think Squeakles got the point , but it didn 't convince him to drop his guard . It looked like things were going well , but then I suggested that we go over to where the other children were , and his guard went right back up . I picked him up , thinking I would bring him over to the group and he would know that obviously that meant I was coming too , but of course he also realized that he no longer had control over whether he was going over there or not , so he started yelling . I tried to get him to be quiet , and he just yelled louder . At that point , one of the teacher 's helpers came over and took him from me , saying that he they would go over to the " library " ( some books and pillows in a corner ) to calm down . I motioned to ask whether she thought I should go , and she nodded , so I stepped out . Once in the hallway , I immediately teared up and I headed for the stroller , passing another two other parents on the way , wondering if there was a discrete place I could cry . I only made it the few steps to our stroller before I heard Squeakles ' classroom teacher behind me ( not the helper who was currently with Squeakles ) , and in one quick motion she was there , saw my tears , and gave me a hug . It was an extremely sweet gesture and I really appreciated that she 'd just known to come out and see how I was doing . She told me that this was all very normal , and I told her that I knew that rationally and knew that they were doing the right thing with Squeakles and with me . After she left , a mom that I had passed in the hallway came over to me and said that she had the same issue with her daughter for the first month . She said she used to come back to the classroom every hour and would look in and see that her daughter was doing fine , and then after a while , school drop off wasn 't so hard anymore . That was nice to hear and I thought it was just so nice of her to reach out to me like that . Tearily , I gathered my things and , before going , stopped back at Weeble 's room . I 'd said that I would come back after I dropped Squeakles off ( because I 'd been in a rush ) , but the lights were now off in the room . I could hear Weeble crying from her crib and I saw the teacher in the room go over to her . I decided that going in there wasn 't going to help anyone , so I left . On my walk to work , I talked with J , and reminded myself that our goal at the moment is to get the kids comfortable with the school . Yes , I can comfort Weeble better than the teachers can . And yes I am the person Squeakles wants to be around , rather than the teachers or the other kids . Of course that 's true . But part of growing up and attending school is learning to trust and be comforted by the people at the school , and that will help them learn to be more independent . So although I may want to stick around with Squeakles until he feels comfortable enough for me to leave , that may not be the best approach because then he 's not actually trying to get comfortable there - he 's just using all of his energy to interact with me and try to keep me there with him . Shortly after sitting down at my desk at work , I got a call from Squeakles ' teacher , telling me that after I 'd left , they 'd taken Squeakles to another room where she and another teacher ( from a different class ) gave Squeakles some water and made him laugh and calm down a little . They then brought him back to the classroom where he seemed fine but subdued . A little while later I got a second phone call , from the teacher again saying that Squeakles wanted to talk to me . He told me over the phone that he wanted me to come back and get him , so I told him that I would talk to his teacher about when I would come back . I don 't know how he felt about that because suddenly all I heard was " snotty nose ! snotty nose ! " and then the teacher took a little break to help him wipe his nose . Then Squeakles said bye and I was back on with the teacher , who said she thought that had helped him a little . I said I didn 't think he was under the impression that I wouldn 't actually be coming back for several hours , and asked her to let me know if he needed me to come get him earlier . If he doesn 't need to be picked up earlier , we may stay for a pizza and ice skating party they have tonight , so she will keep reminding him about this as something fun that will be happening later that I will be coming for . I don 't know if we 'll actually make the ice skating part of the night . J might not be up for it , Weeble is often tired when I pick her up , and who knows what state Squeakles will be in . But that is still hours away . . . I woke up this morning feeling simultaneously tired ( because I never get enough sleep ) and good because my stomach was no longer churning from whatever it is that was bothering it the past 24 hours . I got ready quickly and headed to the kitchen to make my coffee and prepare the kids ' things for school . Shortly , Weeble woke up , also in a good mood , and it was looking like we were on track to get out the door , not only on time , but without the usual chaos . It looked like I might even manage to eat some breakfast . I went in to Squeakles room to wake him up and . . . he pulled the blanket up over his head and said he wanted to go back to sleep . I gave him a few minutes and tried again . Same thing . And then again . But he still said he was tired . J volunteered to take the hit and stay home with him today because lately I 've been the one doing it . But guess what . . . Squeakles wanted me to stay home with him , not Daddy . And upon the realization that he had a choice between staying home with Daddy or going to school , he completely lost it . He refused to make the choice , and would only say that he didn 't want either of those things . Crying . Yelling . Nose running . A bit of thrashing . He was not happy about it and intended to cry and cry until he got his way , which unfortunately ( for him ) , wasn 't going to happen . We let him cry it out in his bed , occasionally trying to talk to him but he did not want to talk or listen . And so we decided that he would stay home with Daddy today . Given the choice of literally holding him down to dress him and put him in the stroller and then hand him off to the teachers in this state , or leaving him to cry in bed and then have a day of rest at home , we figured that rest might be a good thing for him . And , at the same time , since he didn 't actually want to stay home with Daddy , we figured we were not exactly giving in to his demands . Last night J was asking him about some things he doesn 't like about school , and Squeakles told us that he doesn 't like it when the kids yell at him and take toys away from him . They don 't actually yell at him ( I don 't think ) , but they reinforce the rules - things like telling him to hang his coat up and pull up his pants . J explained to him that he has to learn the rules and the other kids are just trying to help him learn them . But as for the other kids taking toys away from him , J told him that when that happens , he should just hold onto the toy and say no . And so we left Squeakles in his bed screaming and crying this morning , until suddenly - he stopped . J went into his room probably no more than one minute after the crying stopped and found him fast asleep . So I bundled Weeble up in the mei tai carrier and took her out into the rain , where she promptly fell asleep and I considered walking around with her like that all day , cuddled up against me . ( But no , she is now at daycare , hopefully finishing up her nap and I am at work , finishing my breakfast . ) Asking about Weeble : " What is he coughing about ? " My response was " Do people usually cough ABOUT something ? " Squeakles answered , " I don 't think so . People cough when they 're sick . And then their throat comes out . " " This is destrosting . " ( I think he was trying to repeat some things I 'd just said , including the words ' destroy ' and ' disaster ' . ) ( We were talking about a bulldozer knocking down a building . ) I noticed a piece of cat fur in his cereal bowl and Squeakles commented : " Koji ( our cat ) must have droppen it in there . " ( I think that 's interesting both for the fact that he is using " must " correctly , and because of the way he inflected the verb drop . He does the same inflection in the next one . ) Putting on a hat with a brim and thinking that now he looks like Baka ( Grandpa ) , while also holding a screwdriver up to the brim and pretending to write with it : " I 'm gonna write something on my hat so that I can say something to my self . I 'm gonna say Baka . I write a letter Baka . " ( I think he meant that last part as if " Baka " were a letter , like " I write a letter B " . ) When I went into his room in the middle of the night because he called me , he said " I need some water " , then picked up the bottle and turned it over as if to show and observe that there was no more water in it . " Can you run some water for me ? " ( I assume he got that from me often saying I 'm going to run the water for the bath . ) My little boy is . . . still a little boy . Of course he 's growing up every day , and when I think back to when Weeble was born and Squeakles was only two years and four months old , well the difference is really striking . For one thing , at the time , he 'd just started climbing on the furniture and just would not stop , certainly not just because I told him to from across the room where I was trying to nurse a newborn . Now I just have to ask him to stop , and generally he will stop . Though of course , being three , he has to ask why . And then why to my explanation . And then why again . The Monday after his birthday , he started preschool ( after two and a half years on a waiting list ) . Our preschool is pretty much the greatest place on earth . The facilities are amazing , the staff is simply great , and Squeakles absolutely loves it . When I brought him home the first day , he cried when we reached our apartment door saying that he didn 't want to go in . Actually , he hadn 't napped at school , but had run around all day , so he was overtired and overstimulated , so it turned into a 20 minute fit like I 've never seen him throw before . But the fact that he just didn 't want the day to end was , in my mind , a very good indication that he loves the school . The same thing happened the next time he went , with a slight reduction in the length of his fit upon coming home . And then the next time he only complained about going in the apartment , but was generally ok about it . The last one - learning to interact with other kids - isn 't particularly traumatic at the moment , but the teachers observe what we 've always noticed on the playground which is that he tends to play by himself . Of course , up until about 2 1 / 2 years old , kids are often doing parallel play anyway , but I think Squeakles is particularly tentative - letting other kids take things out of his hands and hanging back and just watching other kids play together . But at school , the other kids come up to him and say things to him and expect him to react , so I think that soon enough he will be feeling more comfortable and will start playing with them . Sleeping without a fier is also not a really big deal . He managed to do it when he was there on Monday . But at home , we 've continued to let him sleep with a fier because he 's been sick and we really just want him to get his sleep . Also , to be completely honest , we want to be able to sleep too and we 're a little wary of how the night will go without a fier . But we are thinking that it 's worth trying soon . It 's entirely possible that it will not be a big deal at all , especially if he 's been doing it at school . The biggest adjustment is learning to do a lot of things on his own . This has also been an eye opener for us . I don 't think I noticed that he was growing up , especially because we don 't usually have other kids around , so I didn 't realize all the things that three year olds do independently . Like pull their own pants down to go to the bathroom and pull them back up and wipe their own nose . When Squeakles has a runny nose , he yells " snotty nose " and only recently has learned to actually blow when someone holds a tissue up to his face . But guess what - at school he learned where the tissue box is and will go over and blow his own nose . Sometimes they help him if he 's just smearing it all over his face , but they are really working with him to learn to help himself so they are standing back as much as possible . On top of starting school , Squeakles has been sick on and off for the past couple of weeks , so I think he hasn 't really been feeling up to the challenge of doing things for himself . Sometimes he does want to do them , but other times he really just wants me to take care of him . And I get that . But for the most part , we 're following the school 's model and encouraging him to do these things on his own . Weeble also goes to the school , but of course she 's in an infant room . In contrast to Squeakles who has always been more focused on things than people and never showed any reluctance to be held or played with by a stranger , Weeble is much more concerned about where we are . She cried a lot the first day - actually , she cried a lot the first week . Worse , she got sick right away , so she just wasn 't happy at all . I kept her home the morning she woke up with a fever of 103 and after a dose of baby Tylenol and a nap , she woke up much recovered and clearly very happy to have me around . I 'm hoping that she has a better day at the school today , but we did hear her crying as we left . ( Though for all we know , maybe she was just suffering the pain and injustice of having her nose wiped . ) J and I have also been sick . For J , this is an almost yearly occurrence - he gets sick and then has a lingering cough for a couple of months . But getting sick is an anomaly for me , so I was quite annoyed when it hung around for over a week . I 've been recovered for almost two weeks now , but then last night my stomach decided it was not at all happy with what was in it , so today I 'm feeling a little drained . ( That might also have something to do with the fact that I only got about 4 1 / 2 hours of sleep . ) But it 's Spring Break , so my office is very quiet and I have no meetings or seminars to go to . I 'm enjoying working on a talk for an upcoming conference . or well , I will be , when I get back to work . Weeble ( almost nine months old ) loves to use the word cat ( pronounced either kæ or kæt ) when she sees one of the cats around and we never hear her use it otherwise , leading us to believe that she has acquired something close to the correct meaning of " cat " . Last night I got a new glimpse into what she considers relevant " cat " material . While I was changing Squeakles into his pajamas , Weeble was in the crib babbling to herself . Suddenly I heard an unmistakable ( if you are one of her parents ) " cat , cat " . I looked over , surprised to hear her saying it without a cat around , and saw her with a plush puppy toy in her lap , looking at its face and saying " cat ! " I said good job , then corrected her saying , " that 's a dog " , but then I wondered if the distinction would be harder than it 's worth and I didn 't want to undo whatever was right in her meaning of cat , so I repeated , " yeah , cat ! " She grinned as wide as she could and repeated " cat " and then laughed , as if really pleased with herself and her observation . Squeakles was put in a time out in his crib for biting me ( it wasn 't hard , but it was the gesture ) . He screamed and yelled for us to come back and get him . Eventually J went back to tell him that he could get out when he stopped screaming at us . Yesterday Squeakles locked the pantry door , which for some reason has the lock on the inside of the door , so once it 's locked you can 't open it unless you happen to be inside the pantry . Although I didn 't yell at Squeakles for doing it , my frustration was obvious on my face . I don 't think Squeakles was mocking me by what he said next , but I do think he was channeling what I was feeling and was trying to figure out how he should act in response to the locked door . He stopped still and said , in a very sad sounding voice , " I 'm so sad . I have a tear . A tear is coming out of my eye and going down my face . I 'm crying . " Then he turned and stood right in front of the locked door and said in a particularly woeful voice , " I 'm so sad . " And what is the Weeble saying lately ? Some " da " , some " tha " , and lots and lots of raspberries . She stands up in the exersaucer , balls up her little fists , takes a deep breath , and then turns red in the face as she spits and makes raspberry noises for as long as she can . It 's really hilarious .

The events leading up to that night started six years earlier when I met Marci at a friends wedding . I was sitting at the same table as Marci at the reception and a mutual friend introduced us . Marci made an immediate impression on me . Marci is five feet ten inches tall and weighs about 125 pounds . At the time she had long dark brown hair that hung in curls around her shoulders . She has large , very expressive brown eyes . Her body was beautifully sculpted with high , firm breasts nicely rounded buttocks and shapely legs . Over all she was a very attractive woman . At the time we did nothing more than exchange hellos . It wasn 't until several days later that we spoke again . It was the following Wednesday night that I ran into Marci in a local watering hole . She just happened to be walking past me so I said hello . She looked at me for a minute then remembered meeting me at the wedding . She stopped to talk to me and I bought her a drink and the next thing I knew it was closing time and I was giving Marci a ride home . From that point on I spent every moment I could with her . Although we had not had sex yet , Marci said that she wanted to wait till she was married , I knew I was in love with her after just a couple of months . When I told her that I loved her she didn 't respond right away and finally said that she liked me very much but wasn 't sure if she loved me . For a while after that it seemed that she wanted to stop seeing me . She didn 't stop seeing me completely but she told me she would only go out with me once a week . That wasn 't enough for me . I had to have all or nothing so I started going to the places I knew she would be with her friends and on many of these nights Marci would end up leaving with me , but it also put a strain on the relationship . Marci often got mad at me for following her around . Then one night we were going to a party at a friend 's house after work . Marci got off before I did and was already at the party when I got there . I don 't know what started it but Marci seemed to be ignoring me when I got to the party so still being young and immature I ignored her too . Things just got worse as the party went on and by the time it ended Marci and I weren 't speaking and she left with her girlfriends to go to a bar . I went to the bar later and found Marci talking to some guy I didn 't know . I got extremely jealous and went over and insisted that she come talk to me . I asked her , " Whose the guy your talking to ? " I wasn 't sure if Marci said that just to make me jealous or if she really would go out with him . I lost control and called Marci a slut . Then I calmed down and tried to apologize . I don 't remember how but I managed to get Marci to leave with me that night and I drove her home . When we got to her house , Marci said that she didn 't think we should see each other anymore . I was heart broken but I kept my mouth shut . After that night I didn 't see Marci for two weeks . Then I couldn 't stand it any longer . I had to talk to her . At the time Marci worked as a waitress so I went to the restaurant where she worked and when I saw her I asked her if we could go someplace and talk . She said that she was working a split shift that day and would be ready to leave in ten minutes . We drove around for a while and then stopped near the bay . We got out and went for a walk . We talked about everything except what had happened the last time we were together . Finally as we sat on a large tree trunk that was lying on the beach I asked Marci if she would go out with me again . Marci said , " You make me feel weird . " That wasn 't the answer I was hoping for . I tried to get her to tell what she meant , but she just kept saying that I just made her feel weird . Then finally as I was dropping her back off at work Marci put her arms around my neck and kissed me and said , " I think I feel weird because I am in love with you . " Then she kissed me again and got out of the car and ran into the restaurant . After that things got very much better between us even though we still hadn 't had sex . Over the next couple of months our passion grew . For some time Marci and I had been doing just about everything except intercourse . Our passions had become a sort of routine . We would go into Marci 's bed and start kissing . I would work my way to her breasts , Marci gets really hot when you suck on her breasts , and then I would go down and bring her to orgasm with my mouth and tongue . After that Marci would stroke my cock with her hand until I climaxed . Then one night I just sensed that Marci wanted more so I got on top of her and guided my cock to her pussy . When I stared rubbing the head of my cock against her lips Marci made no move to stop me so I started pushing the head of my cock inside her . I was able to get in just a couple of inches then my cock wouldn 't go any farther . As I started to press harder Marci wrapped her arms around me and held me as tight as she could . Then I gave one hard push and slid the rest of the way in . Marci didn 't say a word as I dressed to go home . I was afraid that maybe I had forced her to do this against her will or that I had hurt her more than she let on . As I got ready to leave I sat on the edge of the bed and kissed her and was surprised to get a very passionate kiss back . I said , " I 'll see you tomorrow . " The next day on the way over to Marci 's I was worried about how she was going to react to what had happened the night before . She was no longer a virgin and I wasn 't sure if that would upset her or not . When I got to the apartment Marci had lunch ready and we ate and talked about nothing in particular . As soon as we had cleared away the dishes Marci kissed me and asked , " Do you want to do it now ? " Marci kissed me again and said , " You know , what we did last night . " Then she took me by the hand and led me into her bedroom . Marci must have been very horny because she couldn 't wait to get me inside her . When I entered her she was already well lubricated and we went at it for what seemed like an hour . We had no protection so I had to pull out when I felt my climax starting . Afterward as Marci was playing with my cock she asked me , " Would you like it if I kissed it ? " I said , " Then go ahead . I would love it . " Then Marci took my cock into her mouth and in spite of her inexperience she gave me a great blowjob stopping just short of making me cum . Then she jerked me off letting me cum on her breasts . After that our relationship only got stronger and we were very active sexually . Marci got on the pill so I no longer had to pull out when I climaxed . We even started talking about the future and the possibility of marriage . Everything was going great until one night I picked Marci up to go out and she was in a bad mood . I tried to find out what was upsetting her but I couldn 't . As we were sitting in our favorite watering hole having a drink one of Marci 's friends stopped by the table and told us about a party at some guys house . Neither of us knew the host but Marci wanted to go . When we got to the party there were a few people I knew so I chatted with them as Marci went off with one of her friends . Marci came back to where I was about a half hour later and said she wanted to go home . When we got back to her apartment Marci told me she wasn 't feeling well and she just wanted to go to bed so I dropped her off and left . As I headed for home I thought about Marci 's behavior that evening . She had been acting like I had done something wrong but I couldn 't imagine what I had done . So I decided to go back to her apartment and make her tell me why she was acting that way . As I pulled up across the street from her apartment I saw Marci getting into a car with another guy . They were headed in the other direction so I couldn 't get turned around in time to follow them and I didn 't recognize the guy so I couldn 't imagine where she would be going . It was already late enough that the bars were closed so I had no place I could even begin to look for her . So I went home and spent the night wondering whom Marci was with and what she was doing with him . I was hurt and angry so I didn 't call Marci for three days . When I finally called her she seemed a little distant and I sensed that she was nervous . She agreed to see me that night . She was lying to me and it was time to play my trump card . I said , " So you were really sick . I though that you were mad at me for some reason and just wanted to get rid of me . " " I am supposed to believe that after you lied to me about not feeling well and wanting me to take you home that you snuck out with this other guy and you didn 't do anything . The only reason I can think of that you would sneak out with another guy at that hour of the night would be to fuck him . Is that what you did ? " " I don 't know . I hadn 't seen him in a long time and he was at that party . I was talking to him and he asked me if I would take a ride with him after the party . " I said , " In your conversation with him did you mention my name ? Did you tell him that you had a boyfriend ? " Did you even think of me ? " Bull shit ! Now tell me the truth , did you fuck him ? Or did you suck his cock or did he put his finger in your pussy ? What did you two do in his car that night . " A couple of days went by then Marci called me and practically begged me to come talk to her . So I went over to her apartment that evening . Marci began by telling me that she was very sorry that she had snuck out with John Martin but quickly added that nothing happened between them . She said that she didn 't know why she went out with him that night but knew immediately after she got into his car that she should not have been with him . She said that she knew John wanted to have sex with her but she told him that she couldn 't . Then Marci begged me to believe her . She said that nothing like that would ever happen again . I had to make a decision based on faith and nothing else . Not religious faith but my faith in Marci . Did I believe that she was telling me the truth ? I chose to believe her , not because I was sure she was telling the truth but because I wanted the truth to be what she told me . It took a while but we were able to put all that behind us . Marci was more loving and gave me no reason to doubt her again . We got married a year and a half after that and for the past three years had what I thought was a very happy marriage . Then my world began to collapse around me . I had taken a Monday off and was working in my yard . I went into the garage to get a tool when the phone rang . I picked up the extension in the garage at the same time Marci picked up the phone in out bedroom . Marci said hello before I did so I didn 't say anything as I waited to see who the call was for . Then a man 's voice said , " Marci , is that you ? " Marci said that she was also doing well . Then there was silence for a few moments . Then John said , " I 'm in town on business and I thought that I would give you a call and see if maybe we could get together . Would you be free anytime this week ? " Then John floored me with his next statement . " You didn 't think it was a good idea the last time we got together , what was that about five years ago , but we had fun that night didn 't we ? Don 't you want to do that again ? " So Marci did lie to me after all . I could feel the anger building in me . I wanted to scream into the phone but instead I waited to see what Marci would do this time . Marci said that he could and John said , " Good . Then you think about it and I 'll call you Wednesday and see if you changed your mind . " Then he quickly hung up the phone . I waited till Marci put down the phone before I did . I sat down on a bench in the garage and tried to decide what to do . Should I just confront Marci about what I had just heard and accuse her of lying to me about her night out with John Martin or accept that she had turned him down this time and let what happened in the past stay buried . But if he called her again on Wednesday would she turn him down again ? And how would I know ? I can 't hide at home on Wednesday and wait to listen in on their call could I ? I sat for another half hour and thought about what I was going to do . This time Marci wouldn 't be able to lie her way out of it if she went out with John . I was going to catch her in the act . I called my office and arranged to have Wednesday off . Then I went in the house and when Marci came down stairs I looked her in the eye and said , " I heard the phone ring earlier , who called ? " Marci said " Wrong number . " I decided it was time for me to make a bad joke and said , " Wrong number ? Oh yea , that 's what I told her to say if a woman answered the phone . " I pretended to laugh at my joke while I watched Marci 's reaction . She seemed to be very uncomfortable . The next thing I did was to make a big show of calling my office to check my voice mail . As I listened to my messages I said , " Oh shit . " Then I hung up the phone and immediately made another call , to my own phone , and pretended that I was talking to my boss . " What time do I have to be there ? . . . For how long ? . . . I guess it 'll by all right . Have Sarah make my reservations and I 'll pick up my tickets in the morning . . . Okay . . . You 're welcome . . . Bye . " Then I hung up the phone and turn to Marci who was standing near by watching me the whole time I was on the phone . I have a little garden shed behind my house where I keep my lawn mower and my garden tools . I used a spool of telephone wire I had in the garage and ran a line out to my shed and hid the wire in the shrubs and bushes around the house . Then I took the telephone out of the garage and put it into my shed and turned the ringer down as low as I could and still me able to here it at close range . On Wednesday morning I packed my overnight bag and put a couple of sandwiches in a bag with a cold drink . Then I kissed Marci and told her I would see her the next day . I drove the car around the block and parked it then walked back through an empty lot behind our house and slipped into the shed with my sandwiches and a book . The phone I had been using in my garage and had now put into use in the shed was an old office phone and had a line light on it . That is , it had a light that would come on if the phone line was in use . That way I would know if Marci made any calls as well as hearing the ring for in coming calls . While I was waiting I removed the mouthpiece from the phone so that it wouldn 't pick up any noise from me then I sat back with my book and began to read . In the morning there was one call from the dentist reminding Marci of an upcoming appointment . I ate my sandwich and drank my soda around noon and by one o ' clock I had to pee so badly I couldn 't stand it . I slipped out of the shed and into the trees behind it to relieve myself . When I came back into the shed the line light on the phone was lit . My heart was pounding when I picked up the phone to hear , " There 's no obligation . We 'll send this out to you for your 30 day free trial and if you are not satisfied just cancel the account and keep the book as our gift . . . " I was beginning to think that John wasn 't going to call Marci then I suddenly panicked . What if John had called Marci on Tuesday or maybe she called him Tuesday while I was at work . I calmed myself down . John had told Marci he would call Wednesday and he didn 't tell Marci where he was staying so she couldn 't have called him . So I waited . Now that brings us back to where I started this story . That is , with me sitting in my car a half block from my house waiting for John Martin to show up . My plan was to follow them when they left the house and eventually back to John 's hotel I would give them time to get up to John 's room then I was going to leave a package at the desk for John Martin then I would call his room and tell John that he has a package at the front desk . The package contained a bunch of promotional materials for local businesses and restaurants with some discount coupons . It is a package we send over to hotels for visitors to our offices . I would wait for John to come down to collect the package and then I would ride on the elevator with him back up to his floor and watch what room he goes into . Then I would wait until he and Marci had time to get started then I would knock on the door . When John came to the door I would tell him I had another package for him and I needed him to sign for it . Then when He opened the door I would burst in and catch Marci in whatever compromising situation she was in . I was also ready for the possibility that Marci would invite John into our home . In that case I would slip into the garage and up the back stairs to the bonus room above the garage . From there I would have access to the second floor hall . In the hall there is a loft that over looks the living room where I can spy on Marci and John . If they come up stairs I will go back into the bonus room and wait until they go into the bedroom then I can sneak back down the hall . If Marci leaves the door open I can watch them from the hall if not I will listen to them so that I can burst in on them at the right moment . It was about 8 : 30 PM when I saw the car pull into my driveway . The man who got out of the car I had never met but I was sure it was John Martin . I watched him ring the doorbell and when the door opened , throw his arms around my wife and give her a big kiss . Marci quickly pulled him inside the house and closed the door . I knew then that Marci was going to betray me in my own home . I knew this because Marci was not dressed to go out . She was wearing the long nightgown that I had bought her for Christmas the previous year . I got out of my car and quietly ran down the street to my house . As I walked up the driveway I looked inside the car John had driven . On the front seat was a brief case . As quietly as I could I opened the car door and looked inside the brief case . Inside I found his address book . Inside the address book were several of John ' business cards with what appeared to be his home address on them . Then I found several business cards with the name Janice Martin on them and the same address . His wife ? I took one her cards and closed the brief case and the car door . Next I went around to the back of the house and crept into the garage and up the stairs to the bonus room . I listened carefully at the hall door before I opened it . Hearing no sounds in the hall I opened the door . The hall lights were off but there was plenty of light coming into the loft area from the living room down stairs . I got on my hands and knees and crept to the railing at the edge of the loft and looked down . John was sitting on the sofa and Marci was just setting a bottle of wine and two glasses on the table . She poured the wine then went around and sat on the sofa and curled her legs underneath herself and faced John . John handed her a glass of the wine and took one for himself and said , " Here 's to us and to tonight . " For the next forty - five minutes they sat and talked , drank the wine and listened to the music that Marci had put on the CD player . Then John stood up and walked around the coffee table to where Marci was sitting at the other end of the sofa and asked her to dance . He held out his hand to her and she took it . She slipped her feet out from under her bottom and put then on the floor and stood up . John led her to the middle of the room and put his arms around her and began to sway to the music . Then John tipped his head down and kissed Marci . She didn 't resist at all . As they continued kissing John slipped the straps of Marci 's nightgown off her shoulders and as he stepped back from her , Marci let the gown fall all the way to the floor . Marci was wearing a white lace bra and panty set and had obviously dressed knowing that John was going to see her in her underwear . John pulled Marci to him and kissed her then I heard him say , " Why don 't we go find a bed . " I waited until I was sure that they were in the bedroom before I came back into the hallway . As I tip toed down the hall I could see that the bedroom door wasn 't completely closed . When I looked in through the crack in the door I could see Marci helping John take his shirt off . As she pushed off his shoulders she kissed him on the nipples . John dropped the shirt on the floor and Marci began to open his pants . When his pants were open Marci pushed both his pants and his under shorts down together leaving John nude in front of my wife . Marci looked up into John 's face as she took his cock gently into her hand and began to stroke it . Then I heard John say , " Put it in your mouth . " Marci slid down John 's body and took his cock into her mouth . Then John said , " I keep remembering that night in my car I have been thinking about how great that sweat mouth of yours felt on my cock and I have been dreaming about having you suck my cock again ever since . But this time I am not going to cum in your mouth I am going to cum in that juicy cunt of yours . I 'll bet you 'd like me to suck on that cunt of yours wouldn 't you ? " Marci let John 's cock slip from her mouth and said , " Yes , I want you to suck on my cunt . I want you to make me cum . " Then she went back to sucking on John 's cock again . From a voyeuristic stand point this was some pretty hot stuff I was watching and I have to admit I had and erection . But the fact that this was my wife , my love , my Marci that was sucking on another man 's cock was making me physically sick . I didn 't know how long I could keep myself under control . I knew that I could burst into the room anytime now and have all the evidence I needed . There could be no denying anything now . But I wanted maximum effect so I waited . John had helped Marci back to her feet and was asking her to sit on the edge of the bed . Then he got on his knees by the bed and slowly removed Marci 's panties . When the panties were off John looked up at Marci and asked . " Now what was it you wanted me to do to you down here ? " I had never heard Marci talk this way before . We talked dirty when we made love but Marci never got that dirty . But I guess it had the effect she wanted because John was now eating her pussy with wild abandon . Marci soon had an orgasm and right afterward John got on the bed with Marci and pushed his cock inside her pussy . As John was pumping my wife 's pussy with his cock I pulled out the business card I had in my pocket and punched the telephone number into my cell phone but didn 't hit send . Then I waited . It was five more minutes before the right moment came . The effect was perfect . They both screamed and John jumped back and his cock came out of Marci 's pussy just as it started to ejaculate causing him to spray his seed all over Marci , including two spurts that hit Marci in the face , while they both looked at me in horror . As they watched me to see what I would do I pressed the send button on my phone . When I heard the woman 's voice on the other end , I said , " Is this Janice Martin and are you the wife of John Martin ? " The look on John 's face was priceless . I said , " I wish this was just a joke . Would you like to speak to you husband ? He 's right her on the bed with my wife spurting semen all over the bed spread . " Mrs . Martin said no and hung up but I tossed the phone to John anyway . John grabbed the phone and said , " Janice ! . . . Janice ! " Then he realized that she had already hung up . Then he looked at me and said , " You bastard . " " You 're calling me a bastard ? Did you really think that you could just waltz into my house , fuck my wife , ruin my marriage , and then go home to your own happy marriage . I just hope your wife cleans you out in the divorce settlement . Now get your clothes on and get the fuck out of my house . " As John struggled to get his clothes on while trying to maintain his dignity and stay out of my reach , Marci sat on the bed with the sheet pulled up to cover herself . I almost had to laugh at the two streaks of semen running down her face . She appeared to be in shock . Other than her initial scream when she first saw me in the bedroom she hadn 't made a sound . John didn 't look at me and he didn 't answer me . He just stood there until I open the door and let him leave . I watched till John pulled his car out of the driveway and sped around the corner , and then I headed back upstairs to confront Marci . Marci dropped her chin down against her chest and as she started to cry she said , " I 'm sorry . I am so sorry . This wasn 't supposed to happen " " Wasn 't supposed to happen ? What does that mean ? You met him at the front door wearing a nightgown for Christ 's sake . You knew you were going to fuck him before he got to the house . " " What the hell is there to understand ? Is there something you can tell me that would make sense of all this ? Do you have an explanation that will make me not care that you just fucked that asshole in my bed ? " Marci made no attempt to answer me , so I continued . " I want you to be honest with me one time . Four and a half years ago you snuck out with that asshole after I brought you home from a party . You swore to me that you didn 't do anything with him . Now tell me the truth . What did happen that night ? " " That 's a little harder to swallow than that load of cum he shot in your mouth , don 't you think ? You told me the same thing four and a half years ago and I made the mistake of believing you that time . Even though I would have a hard time believing anything you might say right now I would be interested to hear you explain why , if you love me and you don 't love him how it happens that you snuck out with him and sucked his cock four and a half years ago and now you brought him into our house , into our bed and fucked him . " " And the way you were talking to him . Telling him you wanted him to suck your cunt . I 've never heard you talk that way before . " I said , " You may as well stay in here . I won 't be able to sleep in this room again until it has been cleaned and you and this cum stained bedding are gone . " Then I left the room and closed the doors behind me and went to spend the night in the guest room . The next morning I was dressed and on my way to work before Marci came out of the bedroom . I was confused all day . I didn 't know if I wanted to try and save my marriage or not . It 's hard to go from loving someone to wanting them out of your life in such a short period of time . If I had known that Marci sucked John Martin 's cock that night in his car I might never have married her , but I believed her and loved her , and now I have to decided what to do . When I got home from work Marci was sitting in the living room with three suitcases . I wanted to ask her where she was going but I didn 't . Marci was the first to speak and all she said was , " Will you help me put these bags in my car ? " I didn 't say a word , I just picked up two of the suitcases and carried them out to the garage and put them in Marci 's car . She loaded the third bag in herself . I opened the garage door for her but before she got into the car she came over to me . Standing in front of me she opened her purse and took out an envelope and handed it to me . Then she kissed me on the cheek and got into her car and drove away . I went back into the house and got a beer and sat in the living room . After finishing my third beer I opened the envelope that Marci gave me . Inside was a hand written note addressed to me . I don 't know how to even begin to tell you how sorry I am for what I have done to you . I know you 'll have a hard time believing this but I love you . I hope you will believe that I am telling you the truth here because I have nothing to gain by telling any more lies . You are the only man I have ever truly loved which makes it even harder to explain why those things happened with John . That first time happened because I was scared . I loved you but I was afraid that things were moving too fast . My friends told me that they thought you were getting ready to ask me to marry you and I got spooked . I wasn 't getting any time to think . You were always with me . That night I was mad at you . You didn 't do anything wrong it was just that I didn 't want to go out with you that night but I knew that if I told you I didn 't want to go out that you would want to know why and I couldn 't explain it . That upset me more . All that night I just didn 't want to be with you . That 's why I wanted to go to that party . So I could be with other people . Then I ran into John at the party . I hadn 't seen him in a few years . I don 't know What it was but somehow he made me feel wicked . So when he asked me to go for a ride I told him to pick me up after you dropped me off at my apartment . When John parked the car and started kissing me I wanted him to stop because I felt guilty about what I was doing . I got mad at you because it was you that made me feel guilty so I decided to punish you by not stopping John . In the end I wouldn 't let him have intercourse with me , so I brought him off in my mouth so that he would take me home . Afterward I never wanted to see him again . I didn 't know how I felt about what had happened until you didn 't call me for three days . Then I was afraid that I had lost you . When you finally called I thought everything was going to be all right . But then you said that you saw me leave my apartment with John so I had to lie to you about what happened to try to save our relationship . Then a few days ago John called me out of the blue . I had never expected to hear from him again . I knew that I shouldn 't see him and I tried to tell him no , but knowing why he wanted to see me somehow excited me . I had decided that no matter what he said I would not see him but then you told me you were going out of town on business and suddenly I had to see him . I thought that somehow it would be all right for me to have a fling with him and that you would never know about it . I should have known better . The rest you know . I don 't know if this helps but I wanted you to know the truth . I am going to stay with my sister for a while until I can find a place of my own . When I do I will let you know where I am . I hope that someday you will find it in your heart to forgive me , but I 'll understand if you don 't .

When I started this blog my daughter had a best friend named Dora . Dora lived with us . Dora was invisible . When I told my daughter , I was going to start a blog of stories for her , she asked me to write stories for Dora . So we called this blog Stories for Dora . Now , that my daughter has outgrown Dora , she has reclaimed her blog and we have changed the name to Stories for Aurella . So here are stories for my daughter and you . Daphne Olsen loved dolls . Her favorite doll was a soft and squishy baby doll named Dahlia . Daphne always called her Baby . From the moment Daphne laid eyes on Dahlia when she got her as a second birthday present from Mommy and Daddy , Dahlia was her Baby and her favorite toy in the world . Baby ate with her . Baby played with her . Baby took baths with her . Baby slept with her . Everywhere that Daphne went , Baby would be there too . Once when they were sleeping over Grandma 's Baby accidentally got left behind . Daphne cried and cried . Daddy tried to comfort her . " It 's okay . " he said sweetly patting her on the back . Daphne pulled herself out of Mommy 's arms . " Don 't want Mommy ! Want Baby ! " she said breaking out into a fresh flood of tears . Daddy ended up having to go all the way home and get Baby . It took him an hour to go home and come back . The whole time he was gone , Daphne cried . When he came back and handed her Baby , she happily snuggled the doll in her arms . Then and only then would she settle down and go to sleep . Another time , Baby got lost at the mall . Daphne was sleeping in the stroller , and she woke up when they got to car . " Baby ! Baby ! " she cried anxiously as Mommy tried to buckle her into her car seat . " What ? " said Mommy . " Where is Baby ? " She looked around the car , but didn 't see Baby . She looked around the car again but still didn 't see Baby . By now , Mommy was starting to get worried too . She took Daphne out of the car and strapped her back into her stroller . In the mall , they started to go back into all the stores they had been to before . They went to five stores before they finally found Baby on the dressing room floor in Macys . She must have fallen out of the stroller while Daphne was sleeping . " Baby ! Baby ! " said Daphne happily reaching out for her doll . She instantly stopped crying and hugged her doll to her . The only thing Daphne loved almost , but not quite as much as Baby was her pacifier . When she was about four , Mommy and Daddy finally got her to give up her pacifier . She still always wanted to chew on things though . She would chew on her blanket . She would chew on her hair . Mommy and Daddy were always having to tell Daphne to get things out of her mouth and stop chewing on them . One of the things that Daphne liked to chew on was Baby 's foot . " Don 't chew on Baby 's foot . It will break . " Mommy and Daddy warned her . Daphne couldn 't stop chewing on it though and eventually it did break off . " Baby ! Baby ! " cried Daphne sadly . She scooped up Baby in her arms and handed her to Daddy . " Daddy fix , baby . " she demanded . Daddy looked at her sadly . He didn 't think he could fix Baby . A week went by . It was a long and unhappy week . Daphne cried all the time . She didn 't eat . She didn 't sleep . She just cried for her Baby . " Baby ! " screamed Daphne excitedly . " My Daddy fix Baby . " she said happily smiling at him gratefully . She looked at Baby . Then , she stopped smiling . She looked Baby all over . Something was different . It was a cold and rainy night . The sound of the rain splashing against the window woke up four year old Mailee Rhinehart . She hated the rain . She was afraid of it . Whenever it rained , she was afraid it would turn into a thunderstorm and start thundering and lightening . She tried to go back to sleep , but she couldn 't . Finally , she got out of bed and quickly scrambled down the hall to her sister , Quinlee 's room . Quinlee was six . She wouldn 't be afraid . Quinlee sleepily opened one eye and glared at her sister . " So ! ? " said Quinlee . She rolled over and went back to sleep . Mailee climbed up in the bed next to her sister . She sighed contentedly . She felt so much better and safer not being alone anymore . She closed her eyes and went back to sleep too , A little while later , it started raining harder . Quinlee sat up in bed . Mailee sat up in bed too . They listened to the ran for a few minutes . It was really loud and really scary sounding . " I don 't like the rain . " whispered Mailee . " I don 't either . " replied Quinlee . " Come on . " she said . She helped her little sister out of the bed and took her hand . They hurried down the hall to their big sister , Bailee 's room . Bailee was eight . She was brave . The rain wouldn 't bother her . They went in Bailee 's room . They climbed into bed with her . They snuggled close to her . Bailee opened her eyes for a moment and saw them . She sighed and went back to sleep . Quinlee and Mailee went back to sleep too . A little while later , it started thundering and lightening . The loud crashes of thunder woke up the all three girls . They sat up in bed . Mailee was really scared . Quinlee was too . They grabbed Bailee 's hands . Bailee stared out the window . By now , she was scared too . She didn 't mind rain , but she didn 't like thunder and lightening . They all hurried down the hall to their parent room . They climbed up in the bed with their Mom and Dad . Even though Mommy and Daddy had a big bed , it was crowded with Mommy , Daddy , and all three girls in it . Mommy and Daddy kept getting pushed further and further to the edges of their own bed . The next morning , Mailee woke up first . She looked out the window . It had stopped raining , and it was quiet . She sighed with relief . She looked around her . She saw Quinlee . She saw Bailee . There was no sign of Mommy and Daddy . " Quinlee ! Bailee ! " she called worriedly . " Mommy and Daddy are gone ! " Bailee kept her eyes closed and buried her face under the pillow . Quinlee sat up and rubbed her eyes sleepily . " What are you talking about ? " she said . She looked around . She didn 't see Mommy or Daddy either . She looked around again . She still didn 't see them . " Bailee ! " she said shaking her older sister . " They 're really not here ! " Bailee sat up and glared at her little sisters . Sometimes , she really wished she were an only child . " Of course , they 're here . " she said . She looked around , but she didn 't see them either . " They 're gone ! " said Mailee again . She looked as if she were going to burst into tears any minute . Quinlee took her little sister 's hand , but she looked as though she were going to cry too . " Don 't worry . " Bailee assured them both , but she was a little worried herself . She helped her sisters out of the bed and took their hands . They tiptoed out of the room and down the hall . Dorinda Farley was a very happy girl . She lived in nice big house and had her very own pink and purple decorated room . She had a Mom and Dad who loved her . The way Dorinda , saw it only there was only one thing her life was missing - a dog . For as long as Dorinda could remember she had asked her mother and father to get her a dog . " Please , Daddy . " she begged constantly . " I really want one . " " I think you 're too young for that kind of responsibility . " her mother would reply and that would be the end of the discussion . Dorinda would walk away frowning and mumbling to herself that her parents would never think she was old enough . One day , Dorinda 's parents called her into their room . They looked at her with very serious expressions . " We have something to tell you . " said her father . " Goldie is going to be staying with us for while because Mr . Andrews has to go out of town unexpectedly . Mr . Andrews was their next door neighbor . Goldie was his dog . She was a golden retriever . Dorinda 's eyes lit up . " Really ! " she exclaimed excitedly . If she couldn 't really have her own dog at least she would get to borrow someone else 's for a while . She decided to take the best care of Goldie that she could . Then , her parents would have to see that she was old enough and she was responsible enough , and they would have to get her a dog of her own . From the moment , Goldie arrived Dorinda took care of her as if she were her own . She feed her everyday . She walked her everyday n the morning , in the afternoon , and at night . She walked her when the sun was shining and in the pouring rain . She cleaned her messes . She brushed her fur . She gave her a bath . She played with her . Pretty much whenever , she wasn 't going to school or doing her homework , she spend every waking moment taking care of Goldie . Part of Dorinda was sorry to see Goldie leave , but the other part of her was just exhausted so she went up to her room and lay down on her bed . Her mother and father found her there a little while later . " Dorinda . " they said very seriously . " We have something to tell you . " " What 's the matter ? " asked her mother . " Aren 't you happy that you are finally going to get a dog of your own ? Isn 't that what you 've always wanted ? " Dorinda rolled her eyes , shook her head , and sighed . " I used to want a dog , but I don 't anymore . They are much to much work ! " Hilary Ziegler wanted to play tea party . It was her favorite game . She put on her favorite dress up dress . It was the Cinderella costume she wore last Halloween . She dressed up all her dolls and stuffed animals and put them in chairs around her little table . She set the table with her best little pink plastic toy dishes , with little pink plastic toy cups and shiny toy silver forks , knives and spoons and real paper napkins . She played for a little while , but then it got boring . It was annoying doing all the talking for everybody . Obviously her toys were never really going to talk back to her so she needed somebody else to play with . Maybe , Mommy would play with her for a little while . She went downstairs to find Mommy . She couldn 't find Mommy anywhere but she did find Daddy sitting on the couch watching TV . " Daddy ! " she said . " Where is Mommy ? " " Oh . " replied Hilary disappointedly . Then , she got a brainstorm . Maybe , Daddy would play with her . " Daddy ? " she asked eagerly . " Will you play tea party with me ? " Daddy looked at her as though she had asked him to dance naked under the moon with him or something . " Tea party ? " he said . " I 'm a guy . I don 't know anything about playing tea party . " Hilary looked up at him with big sad eyes . Daddy looked back at the TV . Hilary climbed up in his lap and put her arms around his neck . " Please Daddy . " she said . She snuggled into him . " I 'll teach you how to play . " she promised . " You sit here , Daddy . " said Hilary showing him to a chair . Daddy squeezed into the little chair , but he didn 't want to break it so he decided to sit on the floor next to the table . Hilary decided that would be okay . She didn 't ask him to dress up because she knew he wouldn 't fit into her dress up clothes anyway . She did find an old straw hat for him to wear though . Daddy raised his eyebrows , but he said . " Okay . " Hilary lifted the little pink tea pot . " Would you like some tea , Prince Charming ? " she asked . " Why yes , thank you , Cinderella . " replied Daddy . " And I must say you are looking mighty beautiful this fine day . " he added really starting to get into the swing of things " Why thank you , Prince Charming . " said Hilary . " Daddy ? " she added in a whisper . " Are you sure you never played this before . You 're really good at it . " She poured him some pretend tea and sliced him some pretend cake . Then , it was Daddy 's turn to serve her . Afterwards , they decided they were really hungry . Daddy let her serve real cookies on her tiny toy plates and real water in her tiny toy cups . After a while , they heard the sound of Mommy 's car in the driveway . It was followed by the sound of the front door opening and then the sound of Mommy 's footsteps on the stairs . " What are you doing ? " Mommy asked peeking in the playroom door as she passed by with an arm full of packages . Fiona Wallace was 7 years old . Her sister Bridget was 22 . They had the same mother but not the same father . From the moment , Fiona was born , Bridget adored her and the feeling was mutual . When Bridget went to college , every semester Fiona couldn 't wait for the semester to end and Bridget to come home . She was so happy when Bridget graduated and came back . Bridget had only been home a short time when Fiona was playing in the backyard one day . " Hey Fi ! " she called to her little sister . " Come and talk to me . " Fiona couldn 't help smiling . Nobody but Bridget called her Fi . She came up to the patio and sat in a chair next to her sister . As soon as she settled herself , she looked up into her sister 's face . Bridget 's face held a very serious expression . " Is everything okay ? " asked Fiona worriedly . Fiona nodded . Sure she liked Justin . He was really nice to her . He took Fiona to the Boardwalk with he and Bridget and won Fiona stuffed animals . Still , she would rather have Bridget stay living with her than be married to Justin . ' More ? ' thought Fiona unhappily . Bridget was already going to be getting married and moving out . What else could there be ? She wasn 't sure she wanted to know . Now , Fiona was really interested . She loved being the center of attention . She thought about walking down the aisle in front of all their friends and family wearing a beautiful princess dress and carrying a basket of pretty pink flowers . She smiled . " I 'd like to be your flower girl . " she said to her sister . The next few months were taken up with wedding preparations . A place for the wedding was picked . Bridget got a wedding dress a beautiful ball gown covered with beads . Fiona got a dress too . A long pink satin dress with a purple sash . A band was hired . Flowers and food were picked out . Finally , the day of the wedding arrived . Fiona felt so grown up in her pretty dress and with her hair pinned up . She even had a new gold locket around her neck that Bridget and Justin gave her for being in the wedding . She walked down the aisle proudly holding her flower basket and smiling . During the rest of the wedding ceremony , she sat in the front row with her mother and father . Afterwards , there was a big party . There was lots of dancing and food . Fiona had never had so much fun in her life . She had also never partied as long or stayed up as late . At the end of the night as Bridget was saying good night to the last few guests , Fiona sunk tiredly into a chair . A few minutes later , Mom , Dad , Bridget and Justin came looking for her . " Thank you for being my flower girl , Fi . " Bridget said . Fiona didn 't say anything . " Fi ? " said Bridget . Fiona still didn 't say anything . Lily Alcott was 5 years old . She was in kindergarten . She was learning how to to read and write and spell . She loved practicing them too . She was always begging her Mom and Dad to let her read to them . She was always writing letters all over her the blackboard on her big easel or on stray pieces of paper . She was always asking her Mom and Dad to give her words to spell . She even tried to give herself words to spell . Sometimes that worked okay . Other times , she came up with some pretty interesting spellings . Lily sat at the the little pink wooden desk in her room one afternoon trying to spell words when her Mom came in waving a postcard . " Lily ! " she called out . " You got mail ! " Lily jumped out of her seat and excitedly and clapped her hands with delight . " Oh boy ! " she exclaimed . She loved getting mail and she hardly ever got any . She didn 't even ask who it was from . She just kept jumping up and down excitedly . Lily bobbed her head up and down . Yes ! Yes ! Yes ! She took the postcard from her mother . She couldn 't read the whole thing . She could just read the top where it said " Dear Lily " and at the bottom where it said " Love Grandma " and a word or two in - between . " Can you read it to me ? " she asked her mother eagerly . Her mother took the card back and read " Dear Lily , I am having a wonderful time and meeting all kinds of charming people . Yesterday , we road down Lombard Street the crookiest street in the world . Today we are going riding on a cable car and going to a chocolate factory . I can 't wait to come home and see you , my beautiful granddaughter . Love Grandma . " She handed the card back to Lily . " Oh yeah . " replied Lily a little bit sadly . She really missed Grandma . She and her grandmother were really close . She turned the postcard over in her hand and looked at the picture on the front . " What 's that ? " she asked her mother . Lily liked the idea of it , but she didn 't know if she could do it . She had never written anyone a letter before . " What would I say ? " she asked . " That 's a great idea ! " exclaimed Lily . Now , she was really excited about it . She got Mommy to give her a pretty purple flowered piece of stationery and she took out a pencil and sat down at her desk . " No , thank you . " said Lily . She was a big girl . She wanted to do it all by herself . She sat at her desk . She wrote in big letters on her piece of paper " DEAR GRANDMA , WE GOT YOUR LETTER . I MISS YOU . LOVE LILY . " Then , without showing it to her mother , she put it in the envelope and sealed it up . She gave it to her mother to address , stamp and mail . About a week later Mommy and Lily were sitting next to each other on the couch and watching one of Lily 's favorite movies on the DVD player . The phone rang . Mommy paused the DVD and answered the phone . " Lily , " she said " It 's for you . " Lily was surprised she didn 't usually get many phone calls . What an exciting month she was having , a letter and a phone call . She put the receiver to her ear . " Hello ? " she said into it . Nellie Abernathy did not like to go to sleep . She would do everything to avoid bed time . " I need another drink , Mommy . " she begged . When Mommy gave her a glass of water , she would sip it really slowly . Then , she would ask for another . " Go to sleep , Nellie . " Mommy would say kissing her on her forehead . She turned off Nellie 's light , left the room , and shut the door . A few minutes later , Nellie 's door would swing open and Nellie would hurry out of the room and down the hall to her parents bedroom . " Daddy , " she would say throwing herself into her father 's arms . " I think there is a monster in my room . You better come and check . " Her father would smile and say . " Don 't worry I already monster - proofed your room . Come I 'll take you back . " Sometimes , he would pick her up and carry her . Other times , he would just take her by the hand . He would always gently tuck her back into her bed . Still , even when Mommy and Daddy were gone , Nellie wouldn 't go to sleep . She would lie in bed thinking and making up stories in her head . She would play with the toys on her bed . She would try to read her books in the dark . Every once in a while , Mommy or Daddy would come in to check on her . " Nellie go to sleep . " they would say when they found her still awake . One day , Nellie was watching TV . She saw a commercial for a movie she wanted to see . " Oh ! The Cutie Pies ! I really want to see that movie ! " she said excitedly . That night , Nellie didn 't sleep any more than she usually did . The next morning when she woke up , she sat down eagerly in front of the TV . " When is my movie on , mommy ? " she asked . " I 'm sorry honey . " Mommy said sadly . " The movie was on at 8 : 00 am . Now , it 's 10 : 00 am . It 's already over . " Daddy came in the room and gave Nellie a kiss . " Hey baby ! " he said . " Why do you look so sad ? " Nellie told him about missing the movie . " I 'm sorry . " he said . That night Mommy and Daddy tried to put Nellie to bed early . Nellie wasn 't having any of that . She stalled as long as she could . Then , she played with her toys and read her books and did all the things she usually did . She went to sleep as late as ever . The next morning , Daddy went in and tried to wake her for the fishing trip . " Nellie . " he said " Nellie , baby . It 's time to wake up . " Nellie didn 't budge . Her father gently shook her . Nellie turned over in her bed and buried her face in her pillow . A few hours later , she woke up and got dressed . " I 'm ready to go ! " she called excitedly going downstairs and looking for her dad . Mommy was all alone in the kitchen sitting at the counter drinking tea . " Where is Daddy ? " asked Nellie . Nellie sat down at the kitchen table and put her chin in her hand . She had really wanted to go fishing . She was tired of missing out on everything good . That night , Nellie went right to bed . She didn 't even ask for one glass of water let alone two . She didn 't lie in bed thinking or making up stories . She didn 't play with her toys . She didn 't try to read her books in the dark . She went right to sleep . The next morning , she woke up bright and early . She didn 't even wait for Mommy to come in her room and wake her . She got dressed and went looking for Mommy . Mommy was all dressed and ready too , but she was surprised to see Nellie . " Nellie , " she said . " I wasn 't really expecting to see you . I didn 't think you 'd get up . " " I went to bed right right away last night . Mommy , and I wasn 't tired in the morning not at all like I usually am . " Nellie told her " And , I got right up this morning . " Miranda Quinn could never make up her mind . She woke up in the morning and stared into her closet . Maybe she would wear her black jeans or maybe she would wear her blue ones . Maybe , she would wear her striped shirt and maybe she would wear her polka - dot one . Maybe , she would wear her sneakers maybe she would wear her flats . Maybe , she would wear her hair up ; maybe she would wear it down . By the time , she finished getting dressed and went downstairs , it was almost time to leave for school . " Sit down quickly . It 's late . " her mother told her . " What would you like for breakfast ? " she added as Miranda slid into a seat . Miranda chewed on her lip and thought . Maybe , she would have a bagel or maybe a muffin . Maybe , she would have orange juice or maybe milk . " Miranda ! " shouted her mother finally cutting into Miranda 's thoughts . " It 's too late . You don 't have time for anything . You 'll be late for school . " She quickly ushered Miranda into a coat before Miranda had a chance to think about which one to wear . She didn 't want Miranda to miss the bus . At school , Miranda didn 't get to do her art project because she couldn 't decide which color crayon to start with red or blue . She didn 't get to eat lunch because she couldn 't decide if she wanted a sandwich or a bagel . She didn 't play at recess because she couldn 't decide if she wanted to go on the slide or the swings first . When she came home , she was starving . She was grateful that her mom had put out a snack for her and she didn 't have to think about it . After snack , she couldn 't decide whether to do her reading or her math homework . She just sat there staring into space until her mother said " Miranda ! Do your homework ! It 's getting late already . It will be dinner soon . " Miranda looked at her mother helplessly until her mother opened Miranda 's pink flowered backpack and took out Miranda 's math homework and put it in front of her . " Here do this ! " she said . They somehow managed to get through the rest of the day with her mother helping Miranda to make choices . That night as she was putting Miranda to bed , her mother said . " Miranda , my sweet , this has to stop . You need to learn to make choices without worrying about them so much . " Miranda eye 's filled with tears . " But mommy . " she said . " Every time , I pick something I am not picking something else . What if I make the wrong choice ? " Miranda 's mother smoothed the hair back off Miranda 's face and said softly . " Sometimes , there are no wrong choices . If you don 't wear your blue jeans today you 'll wear them tomorrow . If you don 't have a bagel today you 'll have one tomorrow . Do your math first or your reading first , you 'll still get them both done if you start doing them . Stop worrying so much about life 's little choices so you have more time to worry about the big ones . " The next morning , Miranda went into her closet and grabbed the first shirt and pair of pants she found . She saw her sneakers under her bed so she put them on . When she went to brush her hair she found a pretty purple clip on the counter so she put it in her hair . She went downstairs and sat down at the table . Her mother had laid out a bagel for her breakfast . " Would you prefer a muffin ? " her mother asked . ' Miranda stared at the bagel for a minute without saying a word . Her mother started to say something thinking Miranda was not going to be able to make a choice again . She didn 't want Miranda to miss breakfast again . However , as soon as her mother opened her mouth , Miranda quickly said " I don 't want a bagel or a muffin . What I 'd really like is a Pop Tart . " Miranda frowned and bit her lip . She loved them both and hadn 't had either in a while . " You choose for me , mommy . " she begged finally . Sometimes , it was just easier to let someone else choose . Brittany Ferris woke up early one morning . At first , she played quietly in her room . Soon , she realized she was hungry . She was going to go wake up Mommy to ask her make breakfast . Then , she decided to let her Mommy sleep . She , Brittany , would make breakfast . It was the least she could do since Mommy loved her so much and did so much for her . It would be a nice change for Mommy not to make breakfast for once . Mommy would be so proud and happy . Brittany put her slippers on and tiptoed downstairs into the kitchen . She sat down at the table to think of what to make . She was not allowed to use the oven or stove so anything that had to be cooked was out like eggs or French toast . She was not allowed to use a knife so she could not make anything that required spreading or cutting like a bagel or a sandwich . She chewed on her finger and thought really hard . " I know ! " she said finally . " I 'll make cereal . " Next , she went to the cabinet and took out a box of Lucky Charms . She pored the cereal into the bowl . A bunch of cereal spilled over the sides of the bowl and onto the floor . Brittany didn 't bother cleaning up the cereal she had dropped . However as she continued to walk around the kitchen making Mommy 's breakfast most of the cereal on the floor got crushed into the tile . She got the milk out of the refrigerator and poured some into the bowl . She didn 't know when to stop pouring and soon milk spilled over the bowl and made a big wet mess on the counter . She carried the cereal bowl to the table splashing more milk this time onto the floor as she went . She got a spoon out of the silverware drawer and put it on the table without bothering to close the drawer again . She looked at the cereal bowl all by itself on the table . Something was missing . Brittany chewed on her finger again and thought hard . " I know ! " she said finally . " A drink ! Mommy will want a drink to go with her cereal . " She dragged a chair to the other cabinet where the cups were . She took down a red plastic cup and set it on the table . Again she left the chair where she had dragged it . She went to the refrigerator and took out the orange juice . She poured as carefully as she could , but still managed to pour about as much orange juice on to the table as she did in the glass as well as a little bit of orange juice right into the bowl with the cereal as well . She just needed to do one last thing . She opened the pantry and reach for the box of napkins knocking over a bunch of cans in the process . She grabbed a handful of napkins . She took one and put it on the table next to the cereal and orange juice and let the other napkins flutter to the floor . Just as she finished placing the napkin on the table , Brittany heard footsteps on the stairs . " Surprise , Mommy ! " exclaimed Brittany excitedly as Mommy entered the kitchen . " I made you breakfast . " Mommy looked around . She saw all the chairs out of place . She saw the open silverware drawer . She saw messes on the counter , table and floor . She saw her daughter 's proud smiling face , and she couldn 't help smiling herself . " Why , yes you did . " she replied . Then , she sat down to eat her breakfast , and it was very good . Lee Ann Vincent had a younger sister , Lucy . Lucy was four years younger . Lucy adored Lee Ann . She followed her everywhere . She copied everything Lee Ann did . She repeated everything Lee Ann said . She wanted to be just like her sister . Lee Ann found it rather annoying . " Can you please make her stop following me around ? " Lee Ann begged their mother . " Can you please make her stop copying me ? Can you please make me her stop repeating everything I say ? It 's really annoying ! " Lee Ann couldn 't imagine that . She couldn 't wait for the day when Lucy would leave her alone . In the meantime . Lucy kept following her around and copying her . Every day , when Lee Ann came home from school , Lucy was waiting by the door . " Lee Ann ! " she would say excitedly throwing her arms around her sister and hugging her . " I missed you ! " Lee Ann would give her a little smile and a half hug and then go off to have a snack and do her homework . It wasn 't that she didn 't care about her little sister at all . She just felt crowded by her . She just wanted some space . Lucy just didn 't get it . Even when Lee Ann was doing her homework , she sat nearby and played and pretended to do her homework too . " I hate homework ! " she would say imitating her big sister . When Lee Ann was 10 , she was in the fifth grade . She started a new school . It was just for fifth and sixth graders . Lucy was 6 . She started first grade . She went to a different school . Lee Ann was happy because she would now get home one half hour earlier than Lucy . " At least , I 'll have a half hour to myself . " she said happily . The first day , the half hour went quickly . Lee Ann sighed as she heard the door open and Lucy come in happily chatting away to Mom who had picked her up at the bus stop . " Oh great . " she thought miserably waiting for the sound of Lucy 's footsteps on the stairs as she came to invade Lee Ann 's space . She waited a few minutes , but there was nothing but silence . She waited a few more . Still nothing . ' Something must be wrong ' she thought . She hurried down the steps . " Hi . " replied Lee Ann . That explained it . Lucy was having a snack , and now , she would surely be coming to hang around like always . Lucy finished eating . She and Lee Ann both headed for the stairs and went up at the same time . Lee Ann got ready to tell her little sister to stay out of her room . When she turned around Lucy was not there . She had gone into her own room . Lee Ann just stood there with her mouth open . After a minute or so , Lee Ann went in to Lucy 's room . Lucy was sitting at her big wooden desk with papers and pencils spread in front of her . " Don 't you want to hang around while I do my homework ? " Lee Ann asked . Lucy looked surprised . " You hate when I do that . " she said . " Besides , I have my own homework to do . " she said . " So could you please close the door on the way out . " Lee Ann didn 't know what to say . She wasn 't used to Lucy being the one to throw Lee Ann out of the room . She wasn 't sure she liked this turn of events . " Wasn 't it just yesterday that you were . " said Mom . She smiled at Lee Ann . " It looks like you 've finally gotten what you wanted . Lucy stopped following you around . Lucy stopped repeating everything you say . Lucy stopped copying you . " 16 year old , Delaney Ulrich came home from school one afternoon . Her mother 's car was not in the driveway . That was not usual . Her mother sometimes had errands and things to run in the afternoon . Delaney was old enough to have a house key and let herself in . As soon as she walked in the door the phone started ringing . Delaney was sure it would be Grandma . Grandma called almost every day at this time . She always liked to talk and talk and ask a lot of questions . Delaney sighed . She really didn 't want to get on the phone a long time . She just wanted to have a snack and get her homework done . " Hello , Grandma . " Delaney said a bit tiredly lifting the receiver to her ear . She felt as though she had already had a long conversation with Grandma even though she had just picked up the phone . Grandma was always asking the same questions every day , and she never wanted to get off the phone . " Hello Delaney . " said Grandma cheerfully . " How are you ? " She sounded really happy but than she always did . Grandma was a very upbeat person . Delaney didn 't see how anybody could be so happy so much of the time . " I don 't know . " replied Delaney . She hadn 't really been listening . She was looking around to see if her mother left a note or something . Sometimes , Mom left a note ; sometimes she didn 't . It depended how long she thought she was going to be gone . " I don 't know . " replied Delaney . She still didn 't see a note . She went to the refrigerator and took out the orange juice and poured herself a glass . " What are you having for dinner tonight ? " asked Grandma . Grandma was always very interested in what they were eating . That was was one of her favorite questions . " I don 't know . " replied Delaney again . She took a bag of chips out of the cabinet and sat down at the table and ate her snack as Grandma continued talking . Grandma loved to talk . She could go on forever . Today she was saying something about going with a friend to Atlantic City . Delaney wasn 't really paying that much attention though . She just wanted to eat her snack and get to her homework so she could get it over with and relax . " What ? ! " said Delaney swallowing the last of her chips and washing it down with a gulp of juice . She realized that Grandma had stopped talking about her trip and was asking Delaney questions again . Delaney tuned back in to the conversation . " I asked if you were picking up Tad and Tracy at the bus stop today . " said Grandma . Tad and Tracy were Delaney 's younger brother and sister . They were twins . They were 8 . Sometimes , when Mom was out Delaney picked them up at the bus stop . Mommy smiled and patted Elena on the head . " You know I do . " she replied . " I promised Aunt Amelia I would help her with the new baby . I 'll only be gone two weeks . You 'll hardly notice I am gone . " " Of course . I 'll notice you 're gone . I 'll miss you ! " declared Elena grabbing on to her mother and clinging for dear life . Elena nodded . Inside she was screaming No ! No ! No ! I don 't want to help you because I don 't want you to go Mommy , but she knew if she said it out loud it wouldn 't do any good so just kept quiet . Soon Mommy was done packing . She took her suitcase down the stairs . Elena trailed behind looking as sad as ever . At the door Daddy joined them . He kissed Mommy and said . " Drive carefully . Call us when you get there to let us know you made it there safely . " It made Elena feel even worse now that she had the added worry of thinking that there was a possibility that Mommy wouldn 't make it there safely . She hadn 't thought about that before . Mommy kissed Elena . " I love you my sweet . Be good for your Daddy . " " I love you to . " replied Elena . She watched Mommy open the door and go out . She watched Mommy get in the car and pull it out of the driveway . She watched Mommy drive down the street . For a long time after Mommy left , she just stood by the window staring outside . Elena and Daddy had a good week together . They played games and watched movies and went to the park . Of course , all of that was when Elena wasn 't in school and Daddy wasn 't at work . Elena never usually got to spend that much time with Daddy . It was fun , but she still missed Mommy . When she and Daddy were busy together , the time passed quickly . The rest of the time passed by slowly . Every day , Elena would ask " Is Mommy coming home today ? " Daddy smiled at Elena . " That 's silly , " he assured her , " Of course , Mommy is coming back . " he insisted . He showed her the calender and they marked a big circle on the day when Mommy would be home . Now , Elena didn 't have to ask Daddy anymore . She could just look at the calender . Every day , she crossed off a day on the calender which meant it was getting closer and closer to the day Mommy would come back . Elena couldn 't wait . Finally it was here ! The day Mommy was coming home . Elena felt like it was a celebration . She put on a pretty dress and waited . All day , she stood by the window and watched and waited eagerly . Mommy never came . Daddy was wrong , Mommy wasn 't coming back . Maybe , she didn 't love them after all . Elena 's heart was broken . Daddy took her up to bed . He didn 't say anything , but he looked worried too . A few hours later , Elena was awakened by a gentle kiss on the check . Her eyes fluttered open . " Mommy ! " she said excitedly . She grabbed Mommy and hugged her tightly . " Oh , Mommy . I missed you . " " I thought you weren 't coming back . " Elena scolded her mother finally pulling away . " I waited all day , and you didn 't come . " " But you 're here now . " said Elena happily . " I wish you didn 't ever have to go away again . " she added feeling sad at just the prospect that Mommy might ever have to go away again . " Well , I can 't promise you that I 'll never have to go away again . " said Mommy honestly . Elena frowned . " But I can promise you that no matter when I go no matter where I go no matter how long I am gone , I will always come back . " Elena smiled and hugged her mother tightly again . Jennifer Oakes loved jokes . She loved hearing them and she loved telling them . Most of all , she loved making up jokes . The only problem was the jokes she made up weren 't very funny . Nobody ever laughed at them . " Can I tell you a joke , Daddy ? " asked Jennifer . Daddy shook his head and tried to leave the room , but Jennifer stopped him by putting her hand on his arm . " Why don 't cows fly ? " she asked . Daddy shook his head . " Because they aren 't birds ! " exclaimed Jennifer laughing hysterically at her own joke . Daddy didn 't laugh at all . He just smiled at her and left the room . Jennifer frowned . Daddy just didn 't get it , but she knew she could find someone to laugh at her jokes . Just then , Jaime , Jennifer 's older sister entered the room . She went into the refrigerator and grabbed a can of coke and went to the cabinet and got a bag of chips and sat down at the table . Jennifer 's eyes lit up . Jaime would surely laugh at her jokes . She sat down next to her sister . " Let me tell you a joke . " she said . Jaime jumped out of her seat in a panic and grabbed her stuff . " Where are you going ? " asked Jennifer . " Don 't you want to hear a joke ? " Jennifer pouted . " No , I 'm not ! " she called after her sister . Jennifer was determined to show her sister that she was not a horrible joke teller . She would tell her best joke and that would show her . " Why are elephants gray ? " she yelled out to her sister , but there was just silence . Jaime was already gone . " Because they 're not green . " said Jennifer softly to herself since there was nobody else around to listen to her great joke . This time she didn 't even laugh at her own joke . It was no fun laughing all alone . " Not now , honey . " she said . " I have to feed Jillian . " She set a cup of yogurt in front of the baby and proceeded to feed it to her . Jennifer decided to tell her a joke anyway . It would be a really funny one and Mommy wouldn 't mind . She closed her eyes and thought really hard and tried to come up with a good one . Finally , she thought of one . Her eyes lit up and she smiled . " Why did the dog bark ? " she asked . " because that 's what dogs do ! " she added after a minute when her mother didn 't say anything . Jennifer started laughing , but stopped when she noticed Mommy wasn 't laughing . Mommy wasn 't even smiling . Mommy was looking at her shirt and frowning . Thanks to baby , Jillian there was yogurt splashed all across the front of Mommy 's shirt . " Watch her for a minute , while I go get another shirt . " Mommy said to Jennifer as she hurried out of the room . " Do you want to hear a joke ? " Jennifer asked her baby sister . Jillian smiled at her sister as she ate her yogurt . Jennifer took that as a yes . " Why do babies make messes ? " she asked . " Because they can ! " she answered her own joke and began laughing . Jillian smiled and began laughing too . Jennifer laughed even harder . So did Jillian . Jennifer hugged her . She didn 't even care when the baby covered her with yogurt . She was so happy she had finally found someone to laugh at her jokes . Sometimes , it was good to have a little sister . Something was happening , Haylee Norwood knew it . She just didn 't know what it was , but she kept hearing everyone talk about it excitedly . The stupid bowl this , and the stupid bowl that . That 's all anyone talked about these days . Haylee couldn 't understand why people were so excited about something that had the word stupid in the title . Anyway , whatever it was it was happening today . She figured she better quickly go find out what it was . She didn 't want to miss out . She went in her mother and father 's room and found her mother . Her mother was on the phone looking very unhappy . " I ordered it two weeks ago . " she said angrily into the phone . Haylee should have known better than to interrupt her mother when her mother was on the phone especially when she busy yelling at somebody on the other end . However , she really wanted to know what the stupid bowl was so she went over to her mother anyway . " Mommy , " she said softly when she approached her mother . When Mommy didn 't answer , she touched her mother 's arm to get her attention . When she still didn 't answer , Haylee called out " Mommy ! " again , but this time louder and began shaking her mother 's arm . Mommy temporarily moved the phone away from ear and gave Haylee a red angry look . " Not now , Haylee . " she scolded . " I am having a house full of company today and the sub shop can 't find our order . " Mommy put her finger to her lips , shook her head and motioned for Haylee to go away . Haylee frowned and slowly exited the room . She went downstairs and found her father vacuuming . " Daddy , " she said , " What 's the stupid bowl ? " He shook his head . " Later , pumpkin . " he said . " I 'm kind of busy right now . " He continued vacuuming . Haylee frowned again and went off to look for someone else . " Haylee , get out of the way before you get hurt ! " yelled Greg . He didn 't even answer her question . Haylee frowned once more and sighed . How was she ever going to find out what the stupid bowl was if nobody would tell her ? She slowly dragged herself back upstairs . She headed for her room . All she wanted to do was lie down on her bed and feel sorry for herself . She was going to missing out on the stupid bowl because she didn 't know what it was . She figured it must be something great because a lot of people seemed really excited about it . Haylee 's eyes opened wide . She couldn 't believe it . A football game ? ! Everyone was getting so excited about a football game ? " Are you sure ? " she asked finally .

Leave a reply Dr . Gabriela Nola , Gabe to everyone , hadn 't been in town long . Kenton McCade was looking for a partner in his practice , and she was hoping to fill the spot . A nice small town beat the last hospital job she 'd just recently quit - 90 hours a week with a shorthanded staff . She just wanted normal , and the voice in her head to stop already about opening the box and wearing the item inside . Dalton McCade knew when he heard the dragon 's voice that he was next on the list , and ready or not his mate was coming . According to the dragon , she was already here and had refused to put the combs in her hair . But as always , danger followed the jewelry , and Gabe was no exception . The mysterious stranger would have all the pieces for his own collection , and didn 't care who he had to kill to get them . Emma Gentry felt like she was losing her mind . From the time she had picked up the pretty ring to examine it , she 'd been hearing a voice in her head . When she ran from the demolished building , she 'd slipped the ring on her finger so that she wouldn 't drop it , now she couldn 't get it off . She was in dire need of medical attention , but the voice wouldn 't let her stop to get help . There were others looking for the ring and would kill her for it . Emma was on the run . Kenton McCade was the doctor in the family . When found Emma in his office treating a badly infected wound on her leg , he had to help her . The infection had spread and she was near death . Kenton and his brothers were dragon shifters born without the ability to shift into their other half . The magic , it seemed , lay dormant in a sleeping dragon that was tied to six pieces of jewelry . When the ring found its way to Emma , her touch had woken the sleeping beast . When Emma touched Kenton 's sigil on his chest , he shifted to his beast for the first time . But the beast from the ring would not be complete until all the jewelry found its way to their rightful dragons … . Emma was still on the run … they need her to survive … but Emma trusted no one … Buy Link https : / / www . amazon . com / gp / product / B01C7E371A / ref = series _ rw _ dp _ sw Jasmine Tyler was wishing she had never found those earrings in that box of junk she bought at auction . They were so pretty , and the dragons had so much detail , that she simply had to try them on . That was the biggest mistake she 'd ever made . Once they were on they weren 't coming off . And those men in the black SUVs meant business . She 'd hand the earrings over or they 'd kill her . They 'd more than likely kill her anyway even if she could get the damn things off . Now she was on the run with her young son , Gavin , and her ailing granny . A voice in her head that started when she put the earrings on was directing her to find the McCades . The dragon had told Kenton and Jorden McCade that another piece of jewelry had been activated , and the boy that had just come into Jorden 's studio was her son . The dragon didn 't know which brother she was mated to , but she had sent the boy and her granny ahead to keep them safe . Now , another attempt had been made on her life and she was in a hospital an hour away . The cop at the scene had been in on it , and Jasmine found herself in a pickle . She 'd been drugged and there wasn 't a thing she could do about it . Her body hit the floor by her hospital bed and she was looking into the lifeless eyes of her nurse . As soon as Jorden scooped Jasmine up off the floor and her earring touched his skin , he knew that this woman was his . The earring left a brand , marking them both . He couldn 't be happier about finding her , now to convince her to stay was going to be the problem … . Harper Bailey was in way over her head , and the trouble just seemed to keep coming . Her brother - in - law had frozen her personal accounts , and now she was on the run because she wouldn 't do as she was " told . " She had been told to abort the baby . Harper hadn 't wanted the baby she had been forced to carry in the first place , but now that she 'd felt life , she would protect the child with hers . Grady McCade knew that his mate had been found when she touched the piece of jewelry . The dragon had told him that if he didn 't hurry to her side , she would be found by the dragon slayers and her life could be ended as well as the life of the babe that she carried . With Grady and Harper together , the dragon grows stronger , and the slayers pick up the pace in their quest for all the pieces of jewelry . Can the McCades stop them before they strike again ? Are any of them safe ? Find out in The McCade Dragon - Grady There were no words that he could say that would make this any different . Dalton watched as the casket , a beautiful bright wood , was lowered into the cold earth . His friend , mentor , and sounding board had died eight days ago . Howard Short simply went to sleep one night and didn 't wake . And it broke Dalton 's heart . " Dalton ? " He looked at Melinda , Howard 's wife , when she said his name . " Will you say a few words , please ? My brother - in - law just can 't . He 's devastated , as we all are . " " Yes , of course . " He stood up and made his way to the podium . So many people were here today , paying tribute to a wonderful man . Dalton thought of his friend and what he could say about him . Smiling , he thought of something that Howard would have gotten a kick out of . " Howard could be a jackass when he wanted . " Everyone laughed , just as he 'd hoped , even Melinda . He continued speaking about Howard as if he 'd just stepped out for a cold beer . " When we were on a stakeout or even out fishing , he 'd tell me of the time he was in the academy . Of course , I didn 't believe half the crap he told me . But this one story , I think , sums him up better than anything I could say about him . " Dalton looked at the casket , then at the people there . " He 'd been in the dorm for about two weeks , he 'd told me . It wasn 't going as well as he 'd hoped . I think he said that of the three classes he was in , he was flunking out of three of them . " Another round of laughter . " Back then , if you weren 't cutting it , Howard told me that they 'd come to see you , help you pack up your things , and send you on your way . He wasn 't ready to give up , he told me , and he didn 't think that they should be just yet either . " As he was debating on whether or not to open the door when his time came , he had an idea . Howard told me it wasn 't a good idea , but he 'd been down and was sure under other circumstances , he might not have done what he did next . He opened the door and told the men standing there that Howard Short had left . After he was finished , he stood still as the guns were drawn for the salute and fired . Dalton cried then , his pain of loss too much for him to hold in any longer . And when the service was over , he made his way to Melinda again and hugged her . She too had become a very important part of his life over the years . " You 'll come to visit me , won 't you ? " He told her he would . She was leaving today , to live with her son in another state . " He loved you so much , Dalton . Like his own son . " " I loved him as well . He 'll be sorely missed . " She nodded and left him there . Dalton could have gone to stand with his family , but decided that he was fine where he was . He watched as the dirt was filled into the hole much like the one in his heart . But his would never be filled . Going to the after reception at the newly remodeled homeless shelter , he didn 't speak to many people . There was food , he supposed , that he could have eaten , but like his heart , his belly wasn 't ready for anything right at the moment . Instead he just found a dark corner and sat in it until he felt it was a good time for him to go home . My lord . He wanted to sob . Dalton didn 't want to answer who he thought was talking to him . It could only mean one thing , and he didn 't want it . Not today , perhaps not ever . My lord , your mate is coming . " Tell her that I 've got a lot going on at the moment and I 'd prefer that she didn 't . " Caelin said nothing . " Where is she and what does she have ? " The hair combs , my lord . And I don 't think it 's possible for her not to come . She is on her way now . But I must tell you that she hasn 't put the jewelry to her flesh . I 'm not at all sure why just yet , but she is aware of me and is coming this way . He asked what the combs did for the wearer . She will have blood that will heal all that she touches , her heart will be stronger still than it was before . Her name is - " No , don 't tell me . I mean , I know that I 'll have to know sooner or later , but for now I 'd like to just not know . " Caelin You are without a job , sir ? He told him that he might well be . I don 't understand . I thought you enjoyed being a good cop . Whatever has … ? Is it the death of your captain ? " He was my sergeant , but yes , because of him passing away , I don 't think my heart will be in this anymore . I might … never mind . If she can support me , I think I might just make furniture in my garage until I turn up dead one morning . Or I 'll run off and never return . " Dalton realized then that she was out of work too . They were starting off great , he thought . Two unemployed people with a huge house , no car , and nothing to show for their hard work . When Vance sat down beside him , he asked him when he 'd gotten in . " Two days ago . I 've been working on some things . " Dalton nodded . " Rumor has it you 're the next big cheese around here . You gonna be sheriff now , Dalt ? " Vance had been the only person who called him that . It mattered little to him that Dalton had asked him not to call him Dalt … he had continued over the years . Dalton asked him where he 'd heard that rumor . " Because that 's all it is , is a rumor . I 'm not going to take the job . In fact , I was seriously thinking of quitting altogether . " Vance told him that he 'd not enjoy retirement any more than he would . " Caelin just told me that my mate is here in town . " " Really ? I 'm assuming that it 's the pretty little doctor at the B & B then ? " Dalton didn 't want to ask about her , but he found that he wanted to know . " Yes , she is pretty . Tall … not quite as tall as you , but close . Blonde hair that I assume is long . Dark eyes . I 've not seen them as yet close up , but I 'd say they were blue , like midnight blue . " " You know a great deal about my mate , Vance . What have you been doing , spying on her ? " He nodded . " Whatever for ? You think she 's some sort of murderer or something ? It wouldn 't surprise me . Not at this point . " " No , but she has baggage . " Dalton just stared at him . " Her job , where she worked before , they really have a hard - on whatever that might be . He did wonder if he could go work for him for a bit , just to figure out what he wanted to do with the rest of his life . " I guess I should just wait for her then . I mean , I don 't want to seem like that odd stalker guy . " Vance said he had no idea , but thought that was a smart move . He knew less about women than Dalton did , apparently . " Whatever you do , I 'm sure that it 'll be either wrong or not enough . I know nothing at all about women . " Dalton looked at his brother . He was clean but his pants were army issue , his shirt a dark tee , and his boots - ass kickers , he called them - had seen better days . Vance kept his hair military short and neat , and he seldom had a beard . Dalton asked him why he didn 't wear … well , regular people clothing . " I wear what I want , when I want . " Dalton laughed . " Look , whether you go and see her or not , you should know that she 's polite , generous with her time , and like you , she wears what she does right out there for everyone to see . " He asked him what that meant . " You are a cop , Dalt . Even a blind man could tell that . And they 'd not even have to see the badge . Same with her . She 's a doctor , a good one , and people know that when they first see her . " Dalton sat there long after Vance left , trying to figure out what to do . He could have , he supposed , just walked over to meet her , but he had a feeling that would have been a mistake . He was sure that he could talk to Kenton too , but decided that he 'd get enough grief from him without adding to it . Instead , he went to his truck and drove home . Dalton was going to enjoy the next few days he had off , and not worry about mates , dragons , or men looking for jewelry . ~ ~ ~ Gabe walked to the diner . She 'd come to love the little place , what with the strange way they served their meals and the nice people who worked in and frequented the place . As she made her way inside , she knew which seat to sit in , which to avoid . When she sat in the booth with the unforgiving spring , she moved to the windhopefully the house that she 'd been looking at was ready to be rented . Things were going quite nicely for a change , and she was as rested and as happy as she 'd ever been . " Oh lordy . " Gabe looked up when she heard the shout from the kitchen , then Milly saying " Oh lordy " over and over . Getting up , she ticked off all the things that could go wrong in a kitchen , and was afraid that Milly had been hurt badly . As soon as she entered , she put her fingers in her mouth and let go of a shrill but effective whistle to shut the few people in the room up . A dishwasher was wearing the nastiest apron she 'd ever seen and dark gloves on his hands . Milly was standing there wringing her hands . A man , who she assumed was the cook , was lying on the floor with a large knife sticking out of his belly , his hands covered in his own blood and his eyes wide with terror . Gabe let her mind take over on what to do . " Milly , call the police and have them send an ambulance . " She 'd learned the first day that there was no one manning the nine - one - one service just yet . " Then I want you to get everyone out of here while I fix this . " " The knife , it just slipped up . " Gabe nodded and told her she had it . " He 's surely gonna bleed to death , and Kenton , he won 't make it in time . " " I 'm a doctor as well . I 've got this . Just do what I told you . " She made her way to Cook . If he had a name , she 'd never heard it . " I 'm Gabe . If you 'll allow me , I 'll see if I can help you . " " I think I 'm a goner . The knife , it 's stainless steel but it 's in me . " She told him as long as she was there , he wasn 't a goner . " I wasn 't paying no attention is what I was doing . Thinking of my boy and what we was gonna do when he was a mite bigger . Now I won 't see him . " He was getting weaker ; the arm that was holding him up slipped out from under him and he fell back to the floor . Gabe got her first look at the wound . He 'd cut his belly to his intestine , the knife still inside of him . Turning to the person who 'd " Uncle Kenton is on his way . He said for you to do what you needed to do and he 'd assist when he gets here . " She wasn 't sure how that conversation had happened but said nothing to the young man . " I told him what I could . " " You can … . You 're not human . " He told her he was but Kenton wasn 't . " I see . Right now I have more important things to do than to figure out what he might be . This is what we need to do . Christ , there is never a vampire around when you need one . " The laughter made her smile . It was one thing to scare the kid to death over something like this , but making him see humor wouldn 't give him nightmares too . As she moved the towels around the blade , all she could think about was that he might be right … Cook might die . When Kenton showed up , his black bag in hand , he asked her what she needed . It both surprised and impressed her that he didn 't just come in and take over . For the next twenty minutes , he handed her what she wanted and helped her when necessary . The impromptu surgery room wasn 't the best , but it was going to be good enough to save this man 's life . The medics , a couple of young men who she assumed were friends of Kenton , stayed back until they were ready to transport him . It wasn 't long after Kenton showed up that they were able to say that they 'd done the best that they could for the man . The rest was going to be up to the surgeon . Gabe rode in the ambulance , Kenton beside her . The medic rode in front with the driver , so in the event that they needed to , they 'd have room to work . As they worked together , she and Kenton , Cook came around once to tell Kenton to watch over his son for him . " You 're going to make it , Gerald . " She nearly asked who that was when the cook nodded . " The good doctor here , she got you all put back together , and once we get you to the hospital , she 's going to remove that knife you got stuck in you and you 'll be as good as new . But you have to believe us , Gerald . You know as well as I do that if you give up on her , Sand " You 'll learn . Gerald is a wolf . There is a lot of pack around the area . Nearly seven hundred now . The people who own the B & B where you 're staying , they 're bears . Milly is human , but she 's married to a cat . " She asked him what his family was . " My brother is a cop . He 'll be meeting us at the hospital . He has to fill out a report for insurance purposes . Milly owns the place , and while she 'd never tell anyone this , she 's fallen on some hard times of late and can 't afford this hit to her bank account . " " She needs to fix up the place . Expand a little , and for the love of all that is holy , get some better seating . " Gabe didn 't point out that he 'd not answered her as to what he was . She figured that he either didn 't want her to know , or it was so bad that he didn 't want to share . " I 'm looking for a house . One that is ready to move into . I don 't want to have to fix something up . " " We have a few . We 're here . " Just as he said that , the ambulance made a hard stop . Had she not been holding on , she would have fallen out of the door when it opened . The man standing there in a police officer 's shirt and jeans did not look happy . " Dalton , this is my new partner , Gabriela Nola . Gabe , this is Dalton McCade . We 're dragons . " She was halfway out of the back of the ambulance when Kenton spoke . Gabe felt her breath swoosh out of her and her heart simply stop beating . She knew they were speaking , arguing really , but nothing was getting through . Not air , not sound , not even blood was running in her body . Then the pain , like someone had slapped her , registered a split second before the world around her just disappeared . Leave a reply Spencer Graham had been trying to get a hold of Jason Crosby for weeks , but he didn 't seem to answer emails , mail or the telephone . She had an idea that would make them a great deal of money , but she needed him to invest in her project before it was too late . So , barging into his home at 4 a . m . was the only solution as far as she was concerned . She didn 't , however , expect him to answer the door naked and proposition her as soon as she walked in the door . Spencer did the only thing that came natural to her , she knocked him on his ass … . Jason Crosby was nearly two thousand years old , and in all his days as a vampire , he 'd never seen anyone quite like her , not that he thought that was a good thing . He didn 't . She was his mate , and he was only going the tolerate her because he had to … . The woman in his arms was weak . Crosby wasn 't sure that she was going to make it , not the way she 'd been burned . As soon as he laid her on the soft earth , she opened her eyes and looked up at him . Crosby felt his heart skip several beats . My goodness , she sure was a pretty little thing . " The others ? " He told her that his sons were getting out as many as they could . " Thank you . The house , it just exploded into flames . We had no time to get out . " " We caught him . " She frowned but let her eyes flitter to a close . Asking her if she was all right enough for him to leave her for a moment , she nodded . Crosby went to the house to help his boys . They had no way of knowing how many faeries were in the house . A few of them had died , whether from smoke inhalation or fire . They pulled out as many as they could , dead or alive , and laid them on the ground . Soon there 'd be nothing left of the building , but he didn 't want to leave anyone behind if he could help it . The faeries , even the smaller ones , were worth any kind of pain they might get from the hot flames to save them . " They 're all out , so far as we can tell . We 've made an area over there for the dead . The ones that can be saved are being helped by the others . " Jason , his oldest , dropped to his knees . " I don 't think we missed anyone , but it 's burning too hot for us to go back in . I 'm sorry , Dad . " " We did the best we could , son . You have to believe that . That house , it went up fast . I 'm thinking that the man who did this , he knew what he was about . " He glanced over at the woman he 'd brought out . She was resting , which he was glad for . And her body seemed to be healing slowly . " I think she 'd be the one in charge . If she 's awake , ask her how many were in the place , please . " Jason stood up just as the rest of them were coming out of the falling down building . Just as the last of his boys came out , the entire thing fell down behind them . Grayson jumped back when his shirt caught on one of the embers . Luckily , Elliot was able well , it was over almost as soon as we got here . " She nodded . " I 'm sorry about your family , miss . There was no cause for this . " " You said that he 'd been caught . Is he … did you kill him ? " Crosby told her that he was dead , yes . " Thank you for that . Had he been able to get away , I fear that he would do more of the same to my kind . I wish to repay you . " " No , that won 't be necessary . I know what you are and what they were , but we 've no desire to take anything else from you . You have lost enough , my lady . " She nodded and Crosby introduced her to his sons . " This is Jason , my oldest . Then in order of birth to youngest , it 's Chase , Elliot , Grayson , Ryan , and the youngest is Sean . This is the Lady Kilian , the faerie queen . " He was proud of his boys , all of them men now but still his little boys . As they shook her hand he spoke of them , just little things that he was happy to share with her . How they 'd been taking lessons from the neighbor lady to learn how to sew and knit . Things that men should know how to do in the event of an emergency . How Sean could do some doctoring if necessary , even on a human . All notes of the pride that Crosby felt for his sons . When she turned to him , he could see that she had completely healed and was feeling like herself again . She looked at the dead and injured . " The man who did this , he was out to kill all of us . " Crosby said that was about right . " Had you not come here when you did , he would have succeeded . By killing me , without someone to take the place of the queen , all faeries would have perished . And you know as well as I , that would be the death of a great deal of magic . " " We only came to help out the people living here , miss . We would have done the same for anyone . " She smiled at him . " You 're very beautiful , my lady . I 'm glad that we could save you and the others . I 'm sorry that there wasn 't more time for us . We 'll help with the dead , should you wish . As I said , it won 't be any trouble at all . " " You have given the worldshould be after a simple thank you gift . Every inch he crawled toward them , it felt as if he was taken several feet back . Christ , he was going to die right there . " Dad ? " He nodded at Jason as he got to his knees too . " I 'm sick . I mean , I feel like I need to puke and my legs are weak . What did she do to us ? " " She said it was a gift . For saving her and the others . Doesn 't feel that way , but that 's what she told me . " Jason cursed as he stood up on his wobbly legs . " We have to get to shelter . Can you get the others going ? " " I 'm not hurt . " He looked at Sean , who was standing with his arms wide . He wanted to tell him to grab up one of the others and go , but he looked at him , with the sunlight streaming behind him , and didn 't see any blisters . His skin wasn 't peeling back . And he looked … . Well , he looked happy . " The sun isn 't hurting me . I bet it 's not going to hurt any of us . And it feels fantastic . " Crosby looked at his own hands . They were covered in soot but not from his own flesh . Wiping them on his pants , he noticed that he wasn 't blistered either . His skin was just like it was when he was indoors , hiding from the very thing that would end their lives . Looking at the sun , he felt the warmth of it on his face and none of the terror that usually came with being outside . He 'd not felt this good , this warm , for as long as he could remember . " She gave us the gift of sunlight . " Crosby nodded at Jason . " Do you think that it 's only for today ? I mean , if it is , then I want to stay out here all through it . I have never felt the sun before . " No , neither had he . Once , long ago , he 'd felt it for a fleeting moment when his wife had died . It had been in his heart to join her , but the boys had needed him . And the promise that he 'd made to her before her passing had made him go into hiding again . He missed Rena every day . He 'd lost his wife to man . Not a human , but just as bad . There were a few good humans - he wasn 't stupid enough to think that they 'd all come fromtold them no than he could have told himself . Being in the sunlight , while fleeting , was the most fun he 'd had in a very long time . Crosby loved his children . All six of them . They had kept him going these last decades without their mother . He was tired , however . Not just today and how special it had been for them all , but he was tired of living . They no longer needed him , they had proven that to him over and over . Tomorrow night , he decided , he 'd talk to them and tell him of his plans . It was well past time for him to join their beloved mother . Leave a reply Tisha Porter didn 't think she was going to make it . Convinced she would die from her injuries , she left a blow by blow account of what happened to her and who was responsible . The why of it was still a mystery . Thanks to Detective Harlan James , Tisha was on the mend , but she was ready to get out of her father 's house and back into a house of her own . She was anxious to see that recently renovated old Victorian home and buy if she liked it . She wasn 't counting on the stress being too much for her still too weak body . Zachery Douglas was hosting the open house in the old Victorian . They 'd had more than two hundred people tour the house so far which was far more than he expected . And when Tisha walked through the door , he knew what she was to him , and he 'd do anything he had to do to make her his . Spencer Graham had been trying to get a hold of Jason Crosby for weeks , but he didn 't seem to answer emails , mail or the telephone . She had an idea that would make them a great deal of money , but she needed him to invest in her project before it was too late . So , barging into his home at 4 a . m . was the only solution as far as she was concerned . She didn 't , however , expect him to answer the door naked and proposition her as soon as she walked in the door . Spencer did the only thing that came natural to her , she knocked him on his ass … . Jason Crosby was nearly two thousand years old , and in all his days as a vampire , he 'd never seen anyone quite like her , not that he thought that was a good thing . He didn 't . She was his mate , and he was only going the tolerate her because he had to … . The building and surrounding area looked like a crater . The swing set , which may have held eight on it , was a twisted mess that hung from one of the blackened trees about a mile away . The slide was still sitting in its original place , yet barely resembled its former self . The only reason Harlan knew what it was is because he 'd seen his own kids on it . He looked over when someone said his name . " Four dead . We think . It 's going to be a little while before we can sort this mess out . If there were cars in the lot , I 'm not sure how long it will take before we can figure out not just the owners , but if they might have been here last night . Christ , this is a mess . " Harlan asked him if they 'd been able to get a list of teachers yet . " We 're still working on that . I have been able to canvas the damage surrounding this land . There has been one death that is apparently related to this explosion , but we won 't know for sure until all reports are in . Had this been in the city , Harlan , you know this would have been a hell of a lot worse . " " Yes . There are reports of windows blasted out eight miles from here . And I heard that one of the deaths was a man who had been on the street in front at the impact time and was killed by the blast . Is that the one that you 're talking about ? " Richard nodded . " As you know , had this happened only about ten hours later , there would have been children here , and a lot more bodies . " " We have narrowed down the center , we 're pretty sure . The city planner brought by the blueprints like you asked for , and he 's looking things over and thinks he knows where the epicenter is . Second grade room , as near we can tell . " Harlan wasn 't able to go to the area just yet ; the fire department was going over some of the wreckage to make sure that the fires were out . The bomb squad had left about half an hour ago . " The three bodies that we 've recovered here so far are two men from the janitorial service and a woman . No ID yet on the latter . We think it might have been the prin " Whoever this person was , they wanted this building gone , and didn 't care who was inside of it . It had a switch on location , meaning that it was set off by a simple movement or a lid being removed , so it mattered little to them when this thing went off . I would say that it more than likely was triggered by opening whatever it came here in , which I 'm thinking cardboard at this point . The others all depended on the main larger bomb , causing enough power to set them off as well . They were on a tumbler - like set off . Once they were moved , hard , they would blow . " Harlan asked him how long something like this would take to set up . " Hours . Maybe a few days . The person would have had to have access to the building , and no one to question what they were doing here . A good sense of the size , layout , as well as how much explosive material to use to get this sort of devastation . " " So whoever it was , they were known to those that work here , you 're thinking . I mean , the staff here , they didn 't have any issues with this person being in and out of here , so they could have pretty much done this without anyone having any clue . " Richard nodded . " This is some sick shit , you know that , right ? In another few hours , there would have been over four hundred people in this building , mostly kids . And then nearly seventy teachers and other staff . " " Don 't forget buses of kids that were being held to drop off at the higher grades , parents here dropping off little Jimmy for his first day , and any of the other hundreds of people that might have been passing by when this went off . " Harlan moved through the debris and other mangled things while they talked . " I heard that you 're having trouble locating two of the teachers . You think they might have been here too ? " " I hope to Christ not . Also , we did hear from the cleaning service . There were not three here , but six , to get the building ready for the first day . So far we 've had no luck at all trying to figure out if they showed up for work or not . The teacherssaw that the glass nearest the handle had been broken inward . Calling in backup , he was told to wait . It was then that he saw the blood . " I can 't wait . I can see that someone is hurt . Going in . " Instead of letting the dispatcher tell him to wait again , he muted his phone . He could be fired for it if this turned out to be nothing , but right now , he just didn 't care . As he made his way into the house , he noted in an abstract sort of way that it was neat . Not in a cleaned up sort of way - though it was that too - but more like this person did not care for clutter or fluff . Straight lines and hard surfaces were on everything , including the cushions on the chairs in the kitchen . It was also expensive , like this person spent all their money on their things , as they had no children or pets to muss it . Making his way to the living room , he could see the difference immediately . This was a room that was used ; comfort nearly screamed at him . The noise to his left gave him pause . He wasn 't in a good place in the house … the hallway he was in was not only open at both ends with rooms coming out from each side , but there were two doors that were opened in front of him , one on the right , the other on the left . But when he heard it again , he moved forward . " This is the Nevada Police . I 'm armed and have backup . " He heard the sirens getting closer and peeked quickly into the room to his right . Nothing . " Ms . Porter ? Can you hear me ? " " Yes . " He thought he heard her answer him but wasn 't sure . " I 'm dying . I 'm alone . " Relief was short lived when she cried out . " She hurt me . " Entering the room at the end , the doorway that spilled into the hall , he nearly backed away . The woman lying in a pool of blood looked as if she was indeed dying . Her body was not only covered in a great many of what looked like knife wounds , but she was beaten up as well . Moving closer , keeping his gun out , Harlan called for an ambulance . " I 'm Harlan James . Are you Tisha Porter ? " She nodded , then passed out . He could sthirty this morning , Alex had left . The facts in - between those times , he knew , would haunt him for years to come . By the time the ambulance arrived , he 'd called in a report on what he 'd found . Then he told his boss what she 'd written down about the other teacher , as well as having someone sent to her house to find the woman . Alexandra Grace was going to have a lot of explaining to do . ~ ~ ~ Randall moved through the hospital trying to figure out where he was to go . The nurse at the front desk had told him twice how to get to the operating area , but he was hurting in his heart so badly he only half remembered . When he saw two police officers , he made his way to them . " I 'm looking for my daughter , Tisha Porter . " The officer nodded at him and then took him to a man dressed in a dark suit . " My daughter , someone said that she was hurt . Tisha Porter is her name . She 's a teacher . Second grade . They all just love her . " " I 'm Harlan James , Mr . Porter . I came in with her . " Randall felt his knees simply give out on him . If Harlan hadn 't been there to catch him , he was sure he would have fallen . " Come on over here , Mr . Porter . We 'll talk while we wait . " " She loves teaching those children . I saw in the news that the entire building was blown up . I never got much from the man who called me . " Harlan said it had been him . " Was she in the building ? " " No . We found her at her home . That 's where we 're thinking she was hurt . Someone broke in . " Randall tried to think of why someone would harm his little girl . " She was beaten , and cut up pretty badly . The doctors here are doing all that they can to save her . You have a very smart and brave daughter , Mr . Porter . She 's helped us a great deal in this . " " That 's my baby . Always knew she was the best . I spoke to her just last night … I think it was the night before . It 's hard to think so much time has … . I had just called her to tell her to have fun with her first day . I teased her about her room being … . " He paused , trying to reme " She 's all I have in the world . Since her mother died , Tisha has become my whole world . I just saw her last weekend , and she was telling me how she 'd gotten all these nice learning tools from a shop online . And now this . " Harlan told him they were doing their best . " If you need anything , a kick in the ass to the mayor , you let me know . I 'll pull some strings and get you more manpower if you need it . You just let me know . I 'll get it for you . " " I think we have it for now , but I 'll keep that in mind . We 're working round the clock now , so I hope to have answers in a few days , if not sooner . " Randall nodded and Harlan stood up . " I 'm going to have someone at her room until we find this other person . And if you 'd be so kind , I 'd like for you to have a guard as well . Right now we don 't know the reason that any of this happened . So to be on the safe side , I 'd like to protect you as well . " " I have my own bodyguards . " Randall nodded to the hall where they were and the three men standing there . " Nothing will get past these men unless I tell them or they 're dead . If it will free up some of your men , I can assign them to her room as well . To be honest , sir , they 'll be there anyway . If you 'll agree to it , then nobody will get their underwear all tightened up by them being there too . " " I 'll let you know . " Randall nodded then was left alone . Making his way down the hall , he told Burt , his right hand man , what was going on as he sat in one of the most uncomfortable chairs he 'd ever been in . He also told Burt to set up some people on the inside for her safety . " You have it , sir . And may I suggest that we bring in that buddy of yours ? The retired agent ? He could be a little more help even from the sidelines . " Randall nodded . " Very good , sir . Have they told you how she 's doing ? I mean , more than you were told on the phone ? " " No . I 'd very much like it if you can run a check on any doctors and nurses she has contact with . And there is a person of interest that tto help himself , he tried to calm his nerves and heart . All he could think about was his daughter . Tisha had been born later in his life , he 'd been nearing forty and his wife just shy of that . Had anyone asked , he would have said they were happy being childless . They had money , a great deal of it , and traveled , and pretty much did anything that they wanted . Then Rachel had gotten pregnant and Tisha had come along . Randall was pretty sure until that moment he 'd not lived at all . Hadn 't taken a good breath of air , nor had his heart beat so well until he looked into the most beautiful pair of blue eyes he 'd ever seen . His baby girl , Tisha Randall Porter . She 'd been the best baby , and an even better child . No temper tantrums were ever thrown , nor did she give them a hard time about things . Of course , he 'd made sure that she had everything that she wanted … even if she only gave something a passing glance , he 'd get it for her . Until the day she turned seven . " I want to get a job . " He only nodded at her , indulging her even though he knew she 'd never have to work a day in her life , if he could help it . " My friend , Emma , has a job . And her grandma pays her for doing the dishes too . Not the pots and pans , but her pretty dishes she serves tea on . " " Tisha , I can give you money if that 's what you want . I have no problem with it . " She told him no , she wanted to earn her keep . " Honey , you don 't have to earn anything . We 're very wealthy . " " So are Emma 's mommy and daddy . And she has her own pocket money that she can do whatever she wants with and not have to ask . Why last month , she took me to get an ice cream soda , and no one knew about it but just the two of us . " Randall wondered just how much this other little girl was teaching his daughter . " I want to do this , Dad . You want me to be smart like you ? And know the value of money ? " " I do . And I 'm pretty sure that you have a good handle on the value of money . " Then she gave him that look . It wasn 't a pouty one , like most litAnother note to his list of things she 'd found out for him . As they went over her books , he was astonished not only at much she had learned by talking to the staff , but how much she 'd managed to save up as well . One hundred dollars just by doing odd jobs for those that worked for them . " All right , let 's see how you spent your cash , shall we ? " Randall had already had it in his head to get her a real ledger , as well as some colored pencils . It was the way that he 'd been keeping track of his earnings for years . Not only did he love seeing the numbers all lined up in neat rows , but when he had gotten a computer and it did the adding for him , he still found himself using his old tried and true method . " I 've put a computer on layaway . I had to have Molly help me with that . They 'd not sell me one at my age . I think it 's ridiculous that there has to be an age limit on learning , but now that it 's there , I pay on it every week and she takes it to the store for me . " Randall told her he 'd purchase it for her . " No , Dad . I 'm doing this on my own . " After an hour of going over everything , he 'd needed to find a quiet place to think . She had not just opened his eyes to his staff , but to the fact that she was not a baby any more . Randall would only admit this to himself , but he 'd had a good cry over that fact , and still got teary when he thought of it . " Mr . Porter ? " Dragging himself from his thoughts , he stared at the man in front of him for several seconds before he could think where he was . " Mr . Porter ? I 'm Doctor Fitzpatrick . I 've spoken to the police just now , and they told me that I could bring you up to date on your daughter 's surgery . " Randall sat up straighter in the chair and waited for the news . " She 's in grave condition , I 'm afraid , but I have hope that she 'll pull out of this . Tisha is young and in very good health . While she 's lost a great amount of blood and has had some pretty extensive wounds to her body , I think she stands a good chance of coming out of thin later and replace bone with metal in her hand , but for now , we have her in a hard cast to prevent her from doing more damage . " " Any internal injuries ? " The doctor nodded , then looked at him when Burt asked . " Was there brain damage ? What ? " " There is no way to soften the way I tell you this . Her abdomen was crushed , pelvis broken , and the fallopian tube on the right side was destroyed . Her womb was injured as well , to the point where it had to be removed or risk infection . As for her brain , we don 't yet know what sort of damage is there . After she wakes , if she does , we 'll be able to better determine where to go after that . " Randall felt his body just go limp . The words ' if she does ' were too much . His mind simply said this is too much , and he embraced the darkness where his little girl was safe in his dreams . Leave a reply Emma Hudson wanted to get this over with . Her father had left her in a jam , and the sooner she dropped off his duplicate trucker log books to the Harrisons , the sooner she could get back to work and try to clear her name . Trucking was all she knew , and she was tired of it . Liam Harrison watched the pretty little thing climb into her truck to get the books , but when she slipped and fell back into his arms with a life - threatening cut on her arm , he knew two things : she was his mate , and she would die if he didn 't convert her right now . And when a string of rest stop murders brings an old vampire friend back into the family 's fold , he informs them Emma was next . It was time to park the truck . They all knew that Emma 's father would come sniffing around to try to swindle her out of more money , it was just a matter of time . But how far would he go to get what he wanted ? Riordan Harrison can 't believe it . Everyone is pissed at him and he doesn 't see what the fuss is all about . All he did was tell the woman that she was his mate . He couldn 't help it that his tiger caused him to pin the woman to the counter and she proceeded to throw him to the ground and cover him with sticky pastries . Now , no one will talk to him , including his secretary . He hasn 't claimed the woman yet , and it is all seeming like it 's more trouble than it 's worth . Storm Browning , Stormy to her friends , is a wounded war hero . She 's done her duty and just wants to live a quiet life ― run her little bakery without any hitches . The majority of the men she commanded in the war had been shifters so she wasn 't surprised when the big oaf sniffed her out claiming that she was his mate . But that doesn 't mean she has to agree with it . What else could she do ? He had to go . He 'd hightail it and run anyway when he saw her scars ― they all did . She couldn 't emotionally handle that , not again at any rate . But if Riordan is going to get back on everyone 's good side , he 'll have to make peace with the woman . Even though he thinks he 's innocent , he 'll go for a visit and maybe apologize , but after he gets there things go from bad to worse . Stormy is targeted for assassination and he 's in the line of fire … . Cormac Harrison , Mac to his family and friends , has a good thing going . He has a brand new home , a successful business , and is truly happy with the direction his life is heading . Andi Collins can 't seem to catch a break . The last time she 'd encountered her father , she 'd ended up in the hospital . Now , Stormy Harrison , is giving her a break and helping her get back on her feet . So when this big handsome man tells her that she 's his mate she 's scared to death . Mate . She 'd heard the term before . And what it meant . She would belong to him . Not just him , but whoever he wanted to sell her to . Andi reached for the door handle , thinking that rolling from a moving car would be better than being passed around like a napkin at a banquet hall . " Don 't do that . " He reached for her hand just as she touched the handle . " Please , just listen to me and I 'll explain . " " I don 't need you to explain . I know what mate means . My friends at school , they told me what happens when you become a mate to men . And what they didn 't tell me , my father and aunt explained the rest . Mates use you , and then when they 've had enough , they pass you around to all the other men they know . I won 't have it . " The car suddenly stopped . Her seatbelt cut into her neck , and she nearly hit her head on the dash it stopped so abruptly . Nikki Neal was damn good at her job . As an undercover cop , she had just about enough information to put the local crime boss away , but she needed more to make it stick . But when someone blew her cover , Nikki found herself on the wrong end of several guns . Aedan Harrison was on the fast track to winning the Governor 's seat for the state of Ohio . He had his whole life , or at least his immediate future , planned out . What he didn 't need was a mate he hadn 't made plans for throwing a monkey wrench into the mix . The last thing Nikki needed was an overbearing jackass ordering her about , and telling her how much he didn 't need her in his life right now . Well , she didn 't need him either . She had work to do and needed to get herself and her grandda to safety . It didn 't take long for Aedan 's family to convince him in the error of his ways , and when he saw what he 'd done he felt like an ass . All he wanted to do was make it right , but could he grovel enough for her to accept him ? Brooke Rickson had been working the pottery wheel and pulling clay with her great - grandfather almost as long as she could remember . Her work was famous even though no one really knew who she was . She preferred it that way and had become a recluse since her great - grandfather died . He had left her everything . Mac Harrison loved rare pottery , and when he landed two tickets to the big art show he was thrilled . He could get his prized Rickson pottery piece appraised and get to see new work at the same time . He brought his brother , Darcy , along for the ride . When Darcy caught Brooke 's scent , he knew he 'd found his mate . Unfortunately , the beautiful recluse made no bones about telling him that she was alone and liked it that way , and that no man was barging in and taking over her orderly life . She was living her life just the way she wanted it and that didn 't include taking orders from a man - any man . He could get that thought right out of his head … . Liam loved the house . He walked through it once more , just to be sure that he wasn 't feeling something that wasn 't there . Nope , he thought to himself , he loved this place . Trying hard not to show how much he did , he walked around the big empty living room once more to calm himself and his inner cat . There wasn 't any point in giving away his happiness before making an offer . " This room alone is nearly as big as the house that I live in . " The realtor smiled at him . " What do you think , Mr . Harrison … is this a place you can put down roots ? " " I 'm not sure . " He thought that he sounded like he was bored and had to take a deep breath before continuing . " The kitchen needs to be redone . I mean , from the studs . There are going to be issues with the furnace and with the air conditioning as well before too much longer . Also , I think I saw rat droppings in the garage . " Which he knew wouldn 't be a problem once he moved in . He 'd bet by now , there wasn 't one within ten miles of the place . Him being a tiger tended to take care of that sort of thing . He asked her what the selling price was again , knowing full well what it was . " The house hasn 't been lived in for about four months … I believe that 's the time frame . And before that , I do believe that they had the place exterminated . If you 're seeing droppings , I 'm not sure where they came from . But the bank is very motivated to sell . They 're asking four hundred , but I think I can get them to go a little lower , but not too much . I do know that the house needs work . Like I said , it 's been empty for a few months while things were settled . " Liam nodded . He knew just exactly why it had been sitting , and that it had been a good deal longer than a few months . " I can go in at a lower price , but I believe they have multiple offers so I 'd not expect too much . " " All right then . Thank you for your time . " She took his hand when it was offered and Liam made his way to the door . " Wait . I don 't understand . Did you want me to make an offer ? Are you done with the house ? He told Storm that he was . Good . I think you should stop by our house . There is a large vehicle , and that 's an understatement , in the drive , and the person in it is asking for you . Not nicely , I might add . Hudson is her name . Why is she … ? You know what , I don 't care . She 's the woman that I was telling you about on the deal with Whites . She said she had some information on her father maybe picking up the loads that they 're missing . Any luck finding Mr . Hudson , by the way ? Storm told him she was still looking . He really fucked her over . Not the only one either , from what I 've been able to find out . But he did royally fuck her over with her job . She had a good rep , as you said , and he 's really taken her for a ride . Lost her house , car , as well as her savings trying to keep herself out of jail . I 'd like to find this fucker myself . Liam said that he would as well . She 's currently at her truck , walking around it . I don 't know why , but I kind of think that she 's had enough of the open road for a while . She looks beaten . Liam made a left to go to his brother 's home , and smiled when he thought of the temper of the woman , Hudson . When he 'd spoken to her last night - well , earlier that morning - he 'd been sleep confused , but hearing her voice and what she had to say had him getting up and going back to his computer . He was going to find her father if he had to do it on his own . The rig was parked in the long drive to his brother 's house . The woman was circling the back end , the place where the big trailer was attached . He watched her for several minutes as she moved around it like a little monkey , checking the lines and lights as she went . When she jumped down , she stared at him as he did her . Christ , she was beautiful . " Liam ? " He nodded at her question . " I was close enough to bring them to you , and I 'm not so trusting of the postal service on something like this . I need them back , so you know . I might need them should Daddy dearest come back for some more o " You 're cut deep . I have to heal you . " He heard Riordan caution him , but he was losing her and had to do something . As soon as she fainted , he shifted . The roaring in his head was making him sick . They were losing their mate and neither of them were happy about it . His cat whimpered but knew what to do . As soon as he licked the wound closed , tasting her blood as he did so , he seemed to realize at the same moment that she was too weak , that they 'd waited too long . Growling at the couple that were too close to them , his cat bit deeply into her belly , tearing it open as he did so . " Hurry , Liam . You 're going to lose her if you don 't . " He knew that and snarled at Storm , and she laughed . " Just trying to help . I 'm assuming that she 's your mate . " Yes . And I don 't want to hear you making fun of me just yet . He was pissy and wasn 't sure why , but he bit into her leg . Holding his mouth deep in the wound , he looked up at his brother . Riordan was afraid for him , and Liam didn 't feel any better about this . I have a feeling she 's not going to be thrilled when she wakes and finds out what I 've done . " More than likely not . But it was that or she was dead . I can hear her heart picking up , can you ? " He told him that he could . " Just a few more minutes now and you should be able to release her . I 'll take her inside and put her in the bedroom that you use when here . " Thank you . Riordan nodded and called to someone on the porch to bring out some blankets . Riordan , she 's got some pretty horrific memories in here . Mostly about her father . He took her for everything . And left her with living in this truck . " I know . I read the report Stormy found . When you release her , go in the house and shower and change . Once you are settled , I 'll bring you what we 've been able to find out . Also , Marcy Cochran called about the house . She wants you to make a reasonable offer . " Liam let the young woman go , but he wasn 't ready to leave her yet . Her heartrate had picked up and he could see the wound at " The courts went by the books on this . There is no fault according to them . She had to sell her house as well as her car , which wasn 't a new one but all she had , when the trucking dealership wanted all their money . The truck is still missing , it appears . " He asked if her father had it . " I 'm thinking not . I don 't know why , but I think he sold it for the money , and someone else is driving it that knows about trackers and such . Might be wrong , but I think that 's it . We have the LoJack information , and since we can 't find it that way , we 've come to the conclusion that it 's been taken out . Also , you know it is against the law . " If she thought that , then it was more than likely true . " I told Ennis not to worry about rushing now . I told him what happened , but not that she is my mate . " " He knows . So do your parents . " He asked her how that had happened . " Riordan was covered in blood when they showed up , Hudson 's blood , and your mom sort of freaked out . He had to tell them . " " I guess . I 'm trying to figure out what to tell her when she wakes up . " The woman on the bed stirred and he watched , sure that she was going to wake a great deal sooner than anyone would have expected . " I have to help her out . Of all of this . " " Liam , can I ask you a personal question ? " He just looked at her . " Okay , some of it I know . Like where you have some of your money invested . How much the books say you 're worth . But what is it you do ? I mean , I know you work for the family business when they need you , but that can 't be all that you do , is it ? " " I 'm a businessman . " She snorted at him . " Okay , I 'm a very good businessman . I invest low and sell high . For everything . I 'm good at bargaining on things as well . Like the house . I 'm going to get it , but not at the asking price . Then , if Emma doesn 't care for it , I 'll sell it for a great deal more than I purchased it for . " " Why would me liking your house have anything to do with whether or not you sell it ? " He grinned and saidmakes you have to save me . " He said that he would have anyway . " No , you wouldn 't have . Don 't lie to me . " " I can 't . " She nodded and sat up , but he could see that she was slightly dizzy . " You lost a great deal of blood , so you might want to take it easy for a few hours . You should try and drink a lot and have a light - " " Don 't order me around . " He leaned back in the chair and looked at her . " I 'm not … . I know you really didn 't , but I 'm starting to freak a little here . I 'm a fucking tiger . " ~ ~ ~ Hudson laid on the bed thinking about her life and what had just happened . " I don 't know what I 'm supposed to do . " " Me either . " She turned to her back and looked at him . " I 'm not going to apologize for converting you . I could , I guess , but you 're alive , and that 's the most important thing right now . I don 't know anything about you other than what I 've read in the information that Storm got for us when you called me . And you know even less than that about me . What would you like to know ? If anything . " " What was your name again ? " He told her . " All right , Liam . I 'm Emma Hudson , but I rarely go by my first name . I have no idea why , but that 's what they started calling me in middle school and that stuck . I drive cross country . Not as much as I used to , but sometimes I need the money more than I do anything . I had a home , but I had to sell it to pay for the rig that my father stole . Which he did , no matter what the courts say . " " Storm , my sister - in - law - and so you know , you met her when you came here - she doesn 't think he has it anymore . " She nodded , thinking that Storm had some good connections . " Your load you have now , you mentioned that it was a back run . Does that have to go out today ? " " Not today , but soon . I have to have it about six hours from here by noon tomorrow . " He leaned back in his chair . " What about me being a cat ? I mean , I can sort of feel something inside of me . What does that mean ? " " She 's letting you know that s " Yes . We feel that way as well . I 'd very much like it if you were to go with me to the house that I 'm thinking of buying . If it doesn 't suit you , then that 's fine as well . I have a place that I live in , it 's an apartment , if you 'll come stay with me for a time . " He cursed and she laughed . " There 's this big deal of a wedding next weekend . My brother Aedan is getting married . They 've been living together for a little while , but this wedding is going to be epic , I guess . " " Why ? " He told her how he was the governor of the state and that he was looking into becoming the president someday . " Wow . Your family , they have big plans . " " They do . We all do . " She nodded . " What is bothering you , Emma ? Is it something that I can fix ? Or do for you ? " " I 'm assuming that you all have money . " He nodded but didn 't say how much , which she thought was a good thing . " My father will get wind of this . Not that I 'm a cat , but that I 'm with someone with money , and he 'll come sniffing around . He 's not stupid , but he can play a person and get what he wants . No matter the cost to them . " " He can do that if he wants . But he won 't get away with it this time . I can promise you that . Nor will he hurt you , mentally , physically , or financially . " Hudson wasn 't sure , but she was almost afraid for her dad . " Will you take my hand ? Please ? " " What will that mean for us ? " He said that it would only be him taking her to the kitchen for food for now . " I feel something for you . I 'm not sure what it is , but I trust you . I want to be with you . Is that the cat in me ? " " Yes , for now anyway . I hope that later , you as a woman will feel something for me as well . We mate for life , and quickly . " She still wasn 't sure about this , none of it . " I want to take this slowly . I think it would benefit us both if we started out fresh , like we 're dating . I know that we 've gone beyond that , with me converting you and having this connection , but even my cat is okay with us doing it this wThere was a thick roast beef sandwich on a wonderfully fresh roll with lettuce , tomatoes , pickles , and onions . A bowl of french fries covered in a tomato sauce that was spicy as well as sweet . A large glass of the best tea that she 'd ever drank . She was just finishing off the last fry when June , the cook , asked her if she wanted peach or cherry pie . Hudson nodded . " Well , good for you . I have ice cream too should you want that . I 've not been to the creamery yet , so it won 't be homemade . " Hudson told her that she loved her . " Thank you , child . I 'm so glad to be cooking for the household again . The mister and missus have been away more than at home of late , and I 've missed it . " " You can cook for me whenever I 'm home . " Her face heated up . " I 'm sorry . I don 't know where I 'm going to be living or what the plan is . But this is the best meal I 've had in ages . And fresh pie too ? Well , I could easily kiss you for it . " After she ate both pieces of pie without the ice cream - she didn 't want to seem too piggish - her and Liam went to her truck . It was locked up , but as soon as she opened the door , she could see that someone had cleaned up after her . She asked Liam about it . " I had a friend of mine come over and fix the bent metal . He also put a new handle on for you . Then his wife - she 's the new alpha bitch for the wolf pack that roams our land - she cleaned up the rest for you . I think she was quite impressed with how much storage you have in there . " She told Liam it was necessary when she was gone . " I don 't imagine that it helped that you lost your house . " " He took me for a great many things . But my house was the most painful . " Climbing into the truck , she watched him walk around to the other side and get in . He commented on how roomy it was . " Yes . My dad complained a great deal about how crowded it was for him . And you 're much bigger . But he would have complained about it even if it had his recliner and a big screen television in front of him . " She showed him aroThis entry was posted in amazon , Amazon B & N I Tunes , book , Books , Dark Fantasy , erotica , Giveaway , Release Day , Romance , Tigers on May 15 , 2017 by Kathi Barton . Cooper : The Manning Dragons Release Day & Giveaway Leave a reply Cooper Manning and his five brothers were true dragons . Centuries ago , when the humans had turned on their kind , their father sacrificed himself to save his sons by casting a powerful spell which allowed them to walk among the humans . Even centuries later , Cooper couldn 't seem to let go of the past and despised most humans . Carson Langley was exhausted . After being forced to work thirty - six hours straight , she unwittingly complained to the new plant owner , now she knew she was fired . There was nothing left to do but go home and cry about it later . Cooper was sent by his brother to retrieve the helpful woman and bring her back to the plant , and he wasn 't happy about it either . It didn 't help that when she answered the door she shared his sour mood , and when he touched her hand , the magic that surged between them meant only one thing - she was his other half , and she was human … . Cooper was seeing red . Mature Audience Only ! Explicit sex scenes and language . Domlen Draglen does not follow any rules except his own . He does not want to be like his brothers , but his need to find the lady his mother predicts to be his mate has become his focus . He wants to find her and prove his mother wrong so he can go back to his normal life . The only problem is the mouthy , curvy she - wolf interests him , but she 's not his type or is she ? Tempest Shellin wants to prove that she can be essential to her pack . When the drop dead sexy dragon shows up for her , she didn 't know if she should laugh or cry . To save her pack she agrees to his rules , but soon finds out Domlen doesn 't play fair . Will this Domineering dragon and mouthy she - wolf find love or will they allow traditions to keep the apart . " I 'm afraid there is no hope for us . " No one made a sound as their leader continued . " Since the humans found out about us and what we can do , we have been doomed . I 'm so terribly sorry . " Coop looked around the room . There were so few of them now that he could easily count them . When he 'd been younger , thousands of years ago , there wouldn 't have been enough space for all of them to share this room . Now they were down to a quarter of them sharing the space because so many , his own wife included , had been murdered so needlessly . Coop was saddened by it all . Turning to leave the large cave , he was stopped by his brother , Xavier . " The boys , they are well ? " He nodded and smiled . Coop felt it all the way to his heart , a place that had been dead for so long , it seemed . " You have the spell ? You are going to use it on them ? I so wish I had thought of this before my own family was taken from me , Coop . You are a brave man and a good father . " " Thank you . And I shall use it tonight . It is the only way to save them . " Xavier nodded , his own heart heavy with the losses they 'd suffered . " You know that I would have shared should I have had it sooner . I 'm so sorry , brother . All of my heart , it 's sorry for you . " " I know that . I do . But they 're all gone now . My other half , my children . Killed for things that are not fair to our kind . " Coop knew that all too well . " Aria was a good woman , Coop . A good woman and mother to your sons . She will be missed forever . " " Aye , in my heart and those of my sons . " Xavier stood there for several seconds and Coop told him he must go . " They 're awaiting word on what is to happen with us all . " " One more thing , if you please . It won 't take but a second . I have left them all that I have . It is where you keep them hidden away , the boys . Deep within the cave , it 's all there . " Coop asked him what he meant . " I cannot go on , brother . I cannot . There is too much grief in my heart for me to live . I have left my things for your children there . TheyWhen his eldest son came to him , his eyes full of fear , Coop knew that it was well past time that he did what he 'd been practicing . The magic that would keep them safe . Gathering his sons , six of them in varying shades of blues and greens , he asked them to have a seat , that he had a story to tell them . It wasn 't a story , not truly , but a tale that would hopefully keep them safe . " A witch told me once of a great magic that only few can do . It takes a loving heart and a strong dragon to make it work . I have asked her and she has told me how to make it so . This magic , it will keep you all safe from the humans . " They nodded , each of them knowing that it was a human blade that had taken the life of their dear mother . " I will perform this upon you , each of you at the same time , and give you some magic that you will use when you need it . This magic , strong and powerful , will let you roam with the humans , and they 'll not know that your true self is just below your flesh . " " You mean we 'll be humans as well ? " He nodded , then shook his head at Cooper , his oldest . " I don 't understand , Father . Will you explain ? " " Yes . The magic that I will give you will let you change into your true self when you are alone . But when you are out in the world , you will need to be a human . A man . " Cooper looked at his brothers , then back at him as he continued . " With this magic , I will also give you a gift . Something that you will need to keep yourself safe should they find out . A stronger armor than any other dragon before you , as well as the same immortality that you have now , as man or dragon . " Hudson stared at him for long moments . He was the thinker , and if he could think of a reason for this not to work , he would voice it loudly . He was much like his mother in that . She would be the first to say when she did or did not like something . And the first to say that the plan was perfect . He only hoped that she would have approved of this . " I think you are very smart , Father . To try and keep us safe . But I can " I am already , Cooper . Forever . " The others nodded too . They were ready for this , as much as he was dreading it . Because once he started the process to change his sons into men , then he would begin to die . It would take all that he was to change them . Standing up , spreading his wings out behind him , Coop told them about the things that their uncle had left them . They knew where the family jewels were , the things that their mother had left them as well . Once they were standing , their bodies strong and healthy , he felt his heart swell and break for what he was about to do . " I , Cooper Manning , of the Manning Dragons of the earth , give to my sons , Cooper , Hudson , Lincoln , Lucas , Tristan , and Xavier , all that I am . Each of you will take a part of the earth with you when you are converted . The part of you that is unique in all ways will be strengthened and enhanced . You will be immortal , forever , and those that you take to your heart will be as well . " His sons bowed before him when he told them to . He said the words over them that would change them to men . Coop could feel his body shutting down , his heart beating a little less . But he had one more thing he wished to bless them with , and held himself upright to give it from his own dying heart . " One day , true love will come to you . And you will have more than you 've ever known . It will fill you in ways that you cannot ever imagine . Love will be yours for all times . For only then will you become a true dragon , a Manning dragon . " ~ ~ ~ Cooper sat with his brothers while their father lay dying . Coop 's heart was weak from what he 'd done , and it was tearing him apart . Father was weak , yes , but he continued to tell them tales of their mother , of their adventures when they were only small dragons . They were going to be alone soon … their father was so close to joining their mother that it hurt Cooper in ways that he hadn 't expected . " What shall we do with his body ? " Cooper looked at Tristan and asked him what he meant . " He will not be able to lie here . " We will survive if we stay here . " Cooper told Xavier that they 'd have to leave here eventually . " To feed and to fly , yes . But perhaps we could do that only at night . To keep to the skies and not let them see us . " " They know we are about and will have spies out looking for our lairs . We will have to kill any man that comes for us , and still we will not be safe . We are , after all , dragons that have a great deal of magic . " Coop stopped breathing . Cooper didn 't hear his father 's heart , and knew that it was at an end . He was quiet for a bit longer , waiting , hoping for just one more beat , one more sound that would mean he was still alive . But there was nothing . Their father was dead . Sitting up , he told his brothers that Coop had passed from this world into the next . None of them had ever seen a dragon die before . Their mother had been dead when they found her . Each dragon that they 'd come upon when they were out had been dead long before they found them , their bodies stripped of every part of them so that they resembled less of a dragon and more like a pile of bones that had been cut up . Dragon 's scales were used for roofs for humans ' homes , and for shields . The very meat of them was roasted and stored away so that it could be used for medicines and potions . Their hearts were cut up and dried , then ground into a powder for the humans to use to keep them from sickness , as well as magic to have a grand garden and trees heavy with fruit . The only part that would be left was the bones , and sometimes even those were carried off and used for something . Cooper hated all humans . " We will do as suggested by Hudson . It is the only assured way that we can - " Before he could finish , he felt the stirring of the earth . It shook so hard that it knocked each of them off their feet . As they lay there , terrified that someone was coming for them , their father appeared before them . His body was still aground . But instead of dark in death , he was brilliant in light . Faeries , thousands upon thousands of faeriebody . Faerie ropes were all around him … strings of magic wrapped around him like a cocoon that made him invisible to all . As Cooper stood there , his brothers beside him , he knew that , like him , they mourned the loss of yet another parent . " You are the eldest ? " He nodded to the faerie when she asked . " We have a gift for you . For all of you , but you will receive the most . Your father was a great man , your mother a queen among her people . We wish to bestow upon you all that your father had . " " My brothers , they will need it as well . I should like to share . " She smiled at him and bowed . " What have you done with his body ? " " He is being prepared to be moved . We will make a grand garden upon him . Flowers will be there for all to see , but only few will know that a dragon is there with his other half , his love . " He nodded . It was as it should be . " You will take this gift ? You will share , but as I said , you will get more than the others . " " I don 't care . Please , just do what you must so that we can hide . " She nodded again and touched her fingers , small tiny ones , to his forehead . Then she did the same to the others before coming back to him . " It is done ? You have shared it with us ? " " I have , Lord Cooper . But you must leave here now . There are humans coming . The magic that we used to do this thing has given them cause to come here . " He nodded and looked at the ground where their father had been . " He is safe . Just as your mother is now . Go , before they find you here and murder you as well . " He thanked her for her help and left . The exit from this part of the cave was hidden so well that only they knew about it . As they made their way into the night , he thought of the human inside of him , and the pain of it took his breath away . In seconds he was down on his knees . Whatever was happening , he was surely going to die . " You 're a man . " He looked up at his brothers as they began to change into men themselves . " We 'll be safe now , all of us . We 'll be humans for them until we can fThis entry was posted in amazon , Amazon B & N I Tunes , Book One in series , Dark Fantasy , Dragon Series , erotica , Giveaway , Release Day on May 1 , 2017 by Kathi Barton . Evan : The Whitfield Rancher Release Day Leave a reply Dylan Hutchinson lived and breathed Army , and she 'd been under cover so long she 'd forgot what it felt like to be a civilian . But the last mission took a turn for the worse and not only was she hurt , but she 's been informed that she could no longer do her job . It 's either a desk job as a recruiter , or she 's out . Evan Whitfield didn 't have to work , but he loved his job as a surgeon . And when as his tiger he found an old man wandering in the woods with Alzheimer 's and confused , he wanted to help the family . The family had a daughter in the hospital too , and they were struggling . Evan thought the daughter might be not as sick or hurt as she claimed to be , so he took it upon himself to check her out . Evan was surprised to find that she was not only hurt worse than they claimed , she was also his mate . For a doctor , Dylan thought Evan was dense . What part of go away didn 't he understand ? She wasn 't the mate or marrying kind . Her life was over , not beginning . He needed to just go away … . The hay bailer was working the last two rows when Evan saw his dad riding his big bay horse toward him . Blake and Adrian , two of his brothers , had already been cut loose , and he was fixing to do the same to Joshua and David , his other brothers . He and Adam could handle this last bit , so he told them to head on back to the house before Dad got there . " He looks like he 's got something on his mind . I 'm betting it has something to do with that trip he made today . It 's not like him to go to town unless one of us is with him . " Nodding at Adam , Evan watched as Dad dismounted and made his way toward them . " Are you staying for supper tonight , or heading back to town ? " " Town . I have to work in the morning . " Dad asked him if they were about done . " Yes , sir . Adam and I are going to see to this before we put the tractor in the barn . Adrian said he 'd clean it for me after supper . " " You not staying ? " He told him the same thing he 'd told Adam . " I don 't know why you don 't just quit that job . I know that you 're good at it and all , but I 'd sure like to see you more than once a week , and that has you rushing off again . Come home , son . For good . " There was a bite to his voice , as if he was really pissed at him . Evan let out a long breath , picking up the next bale that had come from the baler . Whatever was bothering his dad , he was sure it had nothing to do with his job . " Dad , I 'm thirty minutes away . Less if I need to hurry . And me working was what I went to college for . And I love what I do . It 's rewarding to see how my work is making a difference . You know as well as I do that you have more than enough hands around if you need them . " His dad nodded but didn 't say anything else . " Everything all right ? " " Yes . Why wouldn 't it be ? " Evan only shrugged . His dad was in a mood , and while it wouldn 't last long , he could be a bear until it was over . " Your grandpa is coming for a visit . I guess he went and talked to your mom and they set it up . I was in town earlier picking him " He wants to go over his will . " Well , that was something . No one liked to be made to realize that they were as mortal as the next . " I 'm not ready for that . I just … . We just buried my mom , and I don 't want to talk about him leaving too . It 's too much . But when I said that to your mother , she got all huffy with me . " " She got huffy or you got huffy ? " His dad said he might have started it . " Mom loved Grandma too . I 'm betting she no more wants to do this than you do . But I can also understand why Grandpa wants to do this . It was a mess when Grandma died , and she had everything all written out for the funeral director and all . " " No will was properly made out . I know that , I surely do , but it 's just too soon . What am I gonna do if something happens to him too ? " Evan hugged his dad and told him he had them . " Yes , but he 's my dad . And … well , I don 't know what I 'm going to do . You know ? He 's always been there , him and Mom . And to think that he 's making these plans … well , it just breaks my heart . Upsets me so that I get angry about it . I 'm sorry , I am , but he 's my dad . " " Maybe if you just let him do this , then he 'll start to get better . You know as well as I that he 's been in a bad way . Not that I blame him . I know that I would be as well . But if he feels like things are settled , then perhaps he 'll start to come out of this depression a little more . " His dad said nothing . " Dad , I don 't know what else to do . He 's going to do it , no matter what we try to say . " " What if he 's doing this because he has plans to join Mom ? I mean , like right now , instead of waiting until his time comes along ? I 'm afraid , Evan , that is just what he 's planning to do . This might be his way of getting things settled , as you called it , before he does something really stupid . " Evan had actually thought of that but didn 't want to mention it to his dad . " I can 't lose another parent . Even as old as I am and knowing that he 's getting up there , I just can 't lose him . " Grandpa , Dad . Maybe if we show him how much we need him around , he 'll rethink whatever it is he 's got going on in his head . " " I 'd like that too . I know you have to go back to work tomorrow , but I wish you 'd reconsider coming home for good . It 's not like you need to work , Evan . I really miss you . And I know that your brothers and mom do as well . " Evan didn 't say anything . There was nothing for him to say . He had to work or he 'd go nuts . " You think on it . Maybe you can take some vacation time out and see what you 're missing here . " " I know what I 'm missing . I think about it every day . " They got off the hay and helped the hands put it in the barn . In a few weeks they 'd have to go to the other field to do the same thing there , but for now they had enough to keep the few cows they had and the horses fed in the colder months . And to sell to the other ranchers around them when they ran short . Evan loved his family . He enjoyed being with them , talking to his brothers about nothing much at all . And the open fields that he could roam alone or with them . But he needed to be away too . Needed his own space , his own things . If he did quit his job and came home , his mom and dad would expect him to live at home again , as most of his brothers were . Not that it wasn 't nice being all together , but he needed quiet sometimes . Grandpa was at the house when they came out of the barn . He was still looking lost , not that Evan didn 't blame him . Evan saw a lot of death in his job . Being a surgeon was not meeting people in the best of circumstances . His family might drive him nuts at times , but they were his and he loved them . Hugging Grandpa , he followed him to the mud room to clean up . Grandpa didn 't say anything , but Evan knew he had something on his mind . " You still being a doctor out there in the city ? " He said that he was . " I was wondering if you 'd do me a favor when you go back . I need something notarized , and I 'd like for you to drop me at the bank when you leave here . If you don 't anything to live for . " You have us . Dad and Mom too . We 'd have no one if you were to do this . " " I hurt . " Evan told him he didn 't know the pain he was feeling , but understood . " She kept me in line . Helped me through the day just by loving me . And I tell you right now that she made me feel like I was the king of the world with just her smile . I miss her so very much . " He sobbed then , holding onto Evan as he did so . Evan felt his own eyes fill with tears , and when they fell over his cheeks , he held his grandpa all the tighter . Grandma had been there for all of them . She 'd been the one that he could go to , for anything . And now she was gone and Grandpa wanted to join her . Dinner was a somber affair . No one , it seemed , was in their usual jolly mood . Even Blake , who could liven up any seating , was quiet . Evan helped his mom clear the dishes , and the rest of them cleaned up the kitchen . Grandpa joined them just as they were putting the last clean pot on the hanger . " Buy it from me . One of you boys , you should buy my house from me . " They didn 't move , not even to look at one another . " I will make you a good deal . I can 't … . I was thinking of moving in with Oliver here , and I would love for one of you yahoos to have the house . " " You move in with Dad and Mom , and I 'll buy it . " Evan had no idea why he said that . He didn 't need a house any more than he needed to work . " You promise us that you 'll move in here and behave yourself , then I 'll buy your house . " " I don 't want to behave myself . I want to … I want to run in the woods . Have some … . You six should make me a great grandpa . I 'd surely have something to do if you were to do that . " Each of them groaned and Grandpa laughed . " You promise me that you 'll be on the outlook for yourself a mate , and I 'll try and keep myself in a better frame of mind . " " Deal . " All of them put out their hands after making the promise . If that was all it took , a promise , then Evan would do it . As for the house ? He didn 't have a clucoming home because she 'd been hurt badly and had to leave the service . He could tell him , but Dad wouldn 't remember it . " I 'd like to have fish for dinner tonight . You go ask your momma if she can whip me some up . " Norris nodded . " Then we should go for ice cream . You got those good grades , so we should celebrate . Didn 't you , boy ? " " I 'd like that . We 'll go after supper , if you still want . " Dad got up and made his way to his room . In a few minutes , he 'd come back out and ask Norris where his bed was , and he 'd have to show him . Alzheimer 's sucked . Several years ago his dad had been a little forgetful . Slightly disoriented at times too . Nothing that worried them much . His dad was brilliant , and had always had trouble remembering simple tasks unless he wrote them down . After his wife passed , he became worse … his inability to remember to put on shoes or wear a coat had gotten him put in the hospital with a cold that had turned into pneumonia . Then they started noticing him being forgetful of who they were , and most of the time he would remember things that were well in the past . Then he 'd begun to wander off . It was then that Norris had found out that his dad was slowly losing his ability to do a great many things . Like living alone and keeping his own house . Meals were skipped because he couldn 't remember if he 'd eaten . Bedtimes were overlooked because he didn 't remember where his bed was . Things like that and more had gotten the doctor to declare him unfit to live on his own . He 'd been living with them since then . Not that he didn 't enjoy having his dad around . But lately , just over the last few months , he 'd been getting away from them . Running off without telling anyone where he was going . And sometimes the police had to help them find him . His dad was having more and more bad days all the time . It was putting a strain not just on Norris 's health , but his finances as well . When Norris 's wife Stella returned from grocery shopping , he checked on his dad before he went tdidn 't know where it had happened or how she 'd been injured , nor did he know to what extent her injuries were . But he knew that she was lucky to be alive , and that was all that mattered to him . For now , anyway . " When did they say they 'd be here with her ? You probably told me , but my mind is a little fuzzy . I 'm so tired , Norris . I shouldn 't have stayed up so late watching that movie . " He laughed and told his wife that it was supposed to be Friday . " Good . We 'll be there when they land . Then we 'll go to the hospital with her . I miss her so much . " He did as well , and had for a long time . Dylan was their only child , and she 'd been a delightful little girl who grew up into a wonderful grown up . At seventeen she 'd joined the army , and soon after she made it through boot camp , she 'd been picked to be trained for special jobs . He knew that she was covert , but anything else had been kept from them , to keep them , and especially her , safe . Over the next ten years they 'd seen very little of their daughter . She was forever rushing off for one thing or another , her job keeping her away for longer periods of time . Then about six months ago , a few days before they 'd been notified that there had been an accident , she 'd called him . With the call coming in the middle of the night , he knew something was wrong . " Dad ? " He said it was him and glanced at the clock . He 'd never forget the time . It was one twenty - four in the morning . " Dad , I 'm going to be coming home soon , I 've arranged it . I 'll have a month off . I 'd like for you to do something for me . " " Anything . You name it and it 'll be yours . " She laughed and he could hear the tension in it . " What is it , baby ? Are you all right ? " " No . I 've been … I don 't think I can do this anymore . So much death and pain here now . " He asked her what it was . " I can 't tell you . But I 'm done . I want to come home and make a life . After my R & R , I 'm going to muster out . I want a house . A yard of my own . I want things to be normal . her was she able to speak . er body was too broken to do much more than just heal . orris made his way out to the back of the house and sat on the deck . is baby was coming home , and he doubted very much anything was going to be normal for her again . Norris ? " e looked up at his wife when she said his name . Norris , I can 't find your father . e was resting not ten minutes ago , and now he 's gone . " is body tensed up and he stood . ad could have gone anywhere in that little time . he man was like a magician when it came to escaping their notice and getting into trouble . alling the police to tell them what had happened , he began walking the streets . is dad would only be able to tell someone where he lived if he was having a good day . nd his dad 's good days had been few and far between in the last several weeks . ost everyone knew him , but there were a few that didn 't . Did you find your dad , Mr . Hutchinson ? " e told the officer that he 'd not about an hour later when he drove up behind him . I have all our men out looking for him . ou should go and talk to Mr . Whitfield like I suggested . im and his boys , they 'd sure be able to find him a good deal faster . " I know . 've been meaning to , but my daughter … she 's coming home soon . " fficer Petty told him that was wonderful as he stopped the cruiser and got out . She 's going to be spending a few weeks in the hospital , but she 'll be home soon enough . " You 've had a rough few months , Mr . Hutchinson . ut having Hutch home , that 'll take some of the burden off you and your family . he was always one to depend on . " e only nodded , knowing that she 'd be depending on them a great deal now . e 'd not been able to tell anyone anything because , frankly , he didn 't know anything . I 've got my men out looking for him , sir , like I said . e 'll find him for you . " e hoped so . hile it wasn 't cold out , still summer yet , he did worry about his dad taking a tumble into something and not getting out . r wandering into so " Yes . nd Bennie is still one of them . swear to you , if you make him wet his pants again , I 'll … I 'll … . " he laughed hard at his lack of a threat . He 's a good kid , Dylan . hy do you dislike him so much ? " He 's not a good kid , Dad . e 's a bully and a fucking prick . ut I 'll be good if he does . ow , what did you get Mom ? " y the time they 'd gotten to the mall , both had been having a good time . hen they went into the jeweler 's , she 'd offered to pay the difference on the watch he 'd gotten for her mom . I got it . hat did you get her ? " he only shook her head and told him not to guess . You did get her something , didn 't you ? " I got you both something . " orris had seen her stiffen up and turned to see Bennie behind him . Hello , Bennie . " Well , well , well . f it 's not the terror of Washington street . ome for good , this time , Dylan ? r are you headed back to out of country ? " ennie made those quotation signs with his fingers when he asked her about the country . Me and the boys , we think you 're just in prison . girl like you , that 's where you belong . " Dad ? " e hadn 't wanted trouble , not then or now , but there really was something simply mean about Bennie today . nd after that , he 'd noticed it a great deal more . Dad , I 'm doing what you asked , but it 's not easy . " You shoplifting , Dylan ? s that what you learned in prison ? r , I 'm sorry , in the army ? " ennie reached for her , and even standing there beside her , Norris hadn 't seen her move . efore he could tell her to go for it , Bennie was on the floor screaming to be released . You 've fucking broke my hand . " he laughed and told him she 'd not . You have . can feel it . " No , I didn 't . only stopped you from touching me . owever , I can break it if you want . " orris told her not to just yet . All right . ut I did try to be good , Dad . e started it . " He did . saw it . " he police were called and she was asked to let the mall cop go . fter several witneThis entry was posted in amazon , Amazon B & N I Tunes , Book One in series , Dark Fantasy , erotica , Release Day , Tigers on April 17 , 2017 by Kathi Barton . terling : Calhoun Men Release Day & Giveaway Leave a reply Marty liked her life just fine . She was alone in the world , and waiting on tables would get her by until she finished college , but the girl she was training wasn 't working out . And the girl got her fired - now what was she supposed to do ? She needed that job to survive . Sterling Calhoun 's encounter with the she - devil was over , but the nightmares still lingered . The only thing that helped him deal with the nightmarish pain were his paintings . And through is Grandda he met Marty , his mate , but Sterling hadn 't been himself for a very long time … . Marty knew a few shifters , so she knew what it meant when Sterling told her she was his mate . Oh , hell no , this guy had to be nuts , the " mates " she knew were a strange lot , and she didn 't want any part of it … . I BOOKS Coming Soon Johanna , better known as Joe , had been a day walker for her only friend , Noah , for centuries . An immortal with eight hundred years under her belt , she had become proficient in several languages and occupations . When her friend Noah talked about meeting the sun , she had every intention of following in his path . Joe had only gone to the Calhoun 's office to catch a ride to the estate . When she entered , it took her breath away to see the younger man on the floor and no one doing a damn thing to help him . Trent Calhoun had forgotten how to have fun . Diving into his work was what kept him happy . At 33 he had no life , so when he had a heart attack , his doctor said to change his ways or else . When the gorgeous woman stumbled into his hospital room , Trent thought his dad was up to his old tricks again ― that was until he caught her scent … . Now , because of his wolf , he 's face to face with an angry vampire … . Noelle was in somewhat of a pickle . She had researched the Calhoun firm ― Elijah Calhoun in particular ― before she made the appointment , but she was having second and third thoughts about hiring the firm after she got there . All her research indicated she could trust them , but big men scared the hell out of her , and the place was full of them . Elijah had been running a tad late for work , so his brother Trent took his first appointment . Elijah never dreamed that the woman he had an appointment with was his future mate … and she needed his protection . Noelle 's stepfather wasn 't their only problem . Elijah 's brother Sterling 's nightmares had gotten worse and somehow the creature that had marked him was controlling his actions as well … no one was safe … . Chloe Davis was giving up . She thought for sure the owners of the computer shop she worked for were responsible for her father 's death , but in all the time she 'd worked there she 'd not been able to find enough evidence to prove it , so as far as she was concerned she was out of there . Her boss , George , on the other hand had other ideas . As far as he was concerned she wasn 't going anywhere … by force if necessary . Scott Calhoun was just trying to help his grandfather get the young woman to safety , the last thing he expected was for her to be his mate . And he wasn 't happy about it either . Scott was a Dom , and he liked his sex hard and rough and his women submissive … this woman was a spitfire , and he was pretty sure he 'd scare her off with his demands … . As far as he was concerned he was a deviant , not mate material . But when Chloe and Scott come together , they both find more than they expected … Scott has finally met his match . Now , if everyone would stop trying to kill them , they might live long enough to enjoy each other . Alta set a plate full of food in front of him , and Sterling stared at it before looking up at her . She 'd been with him for nearly four months now , and he was sure that he was about as fattened up as he was going to get . She smiled at him and told him to eat . " I 'm thinking you 're either fattening me up for a huge dinner , or you think I 'm still skinny . First , I 'm not Santa , and second … . Well , second , I 'm not that hungry anymore . " She patted him on the cheek and walked away as he started putting butter on his pancakes . " Did I tell you that I 'm supposed to host Christmas this year ? I haven 't any idea why I got volunteered . I guess I should pay more attention when they 're all talking . " " They do love to talk , your family . " He nodded as she handed him a platter of bacon and sausage . " Randal is coming . I think he should be here any second . " The back door opened and there stood his brother covered in snow . He was brushing it off his head as he was telling Alta that he could eat again . When he sat across from him , stealing one of his pieces of bacon , Alta gave him pancakes as well . " Mom sent me over . And Grandma wants to know if you have enough decorations for Christmas . " He said he had some . " I 'm also supposed to tell you that once you 're ready to start with the decorations , you 're to call Mom . She said don 't forget . Wanna go shopping with me ? " " No . I have work to do , and Noelle has a list of things she needs me to pick up as well . I guess she 's been making some pretty good deals with a few vampires that Noah knows . " Randal finished his breakfast before he did , which didn 't surprise Sterl . He didn 't have live - in help and no one cooked for him . " Why did Mom send you here ? " " Mostly to make sure that you 're eating well and that you 're not lazing around the house . I haven 't any idea why she thinks that , but she told me to see about you . And I think she 's still pissed at Grandda . He should have known better than to be late for dinner on Friday . " They ← Older posts

Leave a reply Dr . Gabriela Nola , Gabe to everyone , hadn 't been in town long . Kenton McCade was looking for a partner in his practice , and she was hoping to fill the spot . A nice small town beat the last hospital job she 'd just recently quit - 90 hours a week with a shorthanded staff . She just wanted normal , and the voice in her head to stop already about opening the box and wearing the item inside . Dalton McCade knew when he heard the dragon 's voice that he was next on the list , and ready or not his mate was coming . According to the dragon , she was already here and had refused to put the combs in her hair . But as always , danger followed the jewelry , and Gabe was no exception . The mysterious stranger would have all the pieces for his own collection , and didn 't care who he had to kill to get them . Emma Gentry felt like she was losing her mind . From the time she had picked up the pretty ring to examine it , she 'd been hearing a voice in her head . When she ran from the demolished building , she 'd slipped the ring on her finger so that she wouldn 't drop it , now she couldn 't get it off . She was in dire need of medical attention , but the voice wouldn 't let her stop to get help . There were others looking for the ring and would kill her for it . Emma was on the run . Kenton McCade was the doctor in the family . When found Emma in his office treating a badly infected wound on her leg , he had to help her . The infection had spread and she was near death . Kenton and his brothers were dragon shifters born without the ability to shift into their other half . The magic , it seemed , lay dormant in a sleeping dragon that was tied to six pieces of jewelry . When the ring found its way to Emma , her touch had woken the sleeping beast . When Emma touched Kenton 's sigil on his chest , he shifted to his beast for the first time . But the beast from the ring would not be complete until all the jewelry found its way to their rightful dragons … . Emma was still on the run … they need her to survive … but Emma trusted no one … Buy Link https : / / www . amazon . com / gp / product / B01C7E371A / ref = series _ rw _ dp _ sw Jasmine Tyler was wishing she had never found those earrings in that box of junk she bought at auction . They were so pretty , and the dragons had so much detail , that she simply had to try them on . That was the biggest mistake she 'd ever made . Once they were on they weren 't coming off . And those men in the black SUVs meant business . She 'd hand the earrings over or they 'd kill her . They 'd more than likely kill her anyway even if she could get the damn things off . Now she was on the run with her young son , Gavin , and her ailing granny . A voice in her head that started when she put the earrings on was directing her to find the McCades . The dragon had told Kenton and Jorden McCade that another piece of jewelry had been activated , and the boy that had just come into Jorden 's studio was her son . The dragon didn 't know which brother she was mated to , but she had sent the boy and her granny ahead to keep them safe . Now , another attempt had been made on her life and she was in a hospital an hour away . The cop at the scene had been in on it , and Jasmine found herself in a pickle . She 'd been drugged and there wasn 't a thing she could do about it . Her body hit the floor by her hospital bed and she was looking into the lifeless eyes of her nurse . As soon as Jorden scooped Jasmine up off the floor and her earring touched his skin , he knew that this woman was his . The earring left a brand , marking them both . He couldn 't be happier about finding her , now to convince her to stay was going to be the problem … . Harper Bailey was in way over her head , and the trouble just seemed to keep coming . Her brother - in - law had frozen her personal accounts , and now she was on the run because she wouldn 't do as she was " told . " She had been told to abort the baby . Harper hadn 't wanted the baby she had been forced to carry in the first place , but now that she 'd felt life , she would protect the child with hers . Grady McCade knew that his mate had been found when she touched the piece of jewelry . The dragon had told him that if he didn 't hurry to her side , she would be found by the dragon slayers and her life could be ended as well as the life of the babe that she carried . With Grady and Harper together , the dragon grows stronger , and the slayers pick up the pace in their quest for all the pieces of jewelry . Can the McCades stop them before they strike again ? Are any of them safe ? Find out in The McCade Dragon - Grady There were no words that he could say that would make this any different . Dalton watched as the casket , a beautiful bright wood , was lowered into the cold earth . His friend , mentor , and sounding board had died eight days ago . Howard Short simply went to sleep one night and didn 't wake . And it broke Dalton 's heart . " Dalton ? " He looked at Melinda , Howard 's wife , when she said his name . " Will you say a few words , please ? My brother - in - law just can 't . He 's devastated , as we all are . " " Yes , of course . " He stood up and made his way to the podium . So many people were here today , paying tribute to a wonderful man . Dalton thought of his friend and what he could say about him . Smiling , he thought of something that Howard would have gotten a kick out of . " Howard could be a jackass when he wanted . " Everyone laughed , just as he 'd hoped , even Melinda . He continued speaking about Howard as if he 'd just stepped out for a cold beer . " When we were on a stakeout or even out fishing , he 'd tell me of the time he was in the academy . Of course , I didn 't believe half the crap he told me . But this one story , I think , sums him up better than anything I could say about him . " Dalton looked at the casket , then at the people there . " He 'd been in the dorm for about two weeks , he 'd told me . It wasn 't going as well as he 'd hoped . I think he said that of the three classes he was in , he was flunking out of three of them . " Another round of laughter . " Back then , if you weren 't cutting it , Howard told me that they 'd come to see you , help you pack up your things , and send you on your way . He wasn 't ready to give up , he told me , and he didn 't think that they should be just yet either . " As he was debating on whether or not to open the door when his time came , he had an idea . Howard told me it wasn 't a good idea , but he 'd been down and was sure under other circumstances , he might not have done what he did next . He opened the door and told the men standing there that Howard Short had left . After he was finished , he stood still as the guns were drawn for the salute and fired . Dalton cried then , his pain of loss too much for him to hold in any longer . And when the service was over , he made his way to Melinda again and hugged her . She too had become a very important part of his life over the years . " You 'll come to visit me , won 't you ? " He told her he would . She was leaving today , to live with her son in another state . " He loved you so much , Dalton . Like his own son . " " I loved him as well . He 'll be sorely missed . " She nodded and left him there . Dalton could have gone to stand with his family , but decided that he was fine where he was . He watched as the dirt was filled into the hole much like the one in his heart . But his would never be filled . Going to the after reception at the newly remodeled homeless shelter , he didn 't speak to many people . There was food , he supposed , that he could have eaten , but like his heart , his belly wasn 't ready for anything right at the moment . Instead he just found a dark corner and sat in it until he felt it was a good time for him to go home . My lord . He wanted to sob . Dalton didn 't want to answer who he thought was talking to him . It could only mean one thing , and he didn 't want it . Not today , perhaps not ever . My lord , your mate is coming . " Tell her that I 've got a lot going on at the moment and I 'd prefer that she didn 't . " Caelin said nothing . " Where is she and what does she have ? " The hair combs , my lord . And I don 't think it 's possible for her not to come . She is on her way now . But I must tell you that she hasn 't put the jewelry to her flesh . I 'm not at all sure why just yet , but she is aware of me and is coming this way . He asked what the combs did for the wearer . She will have blood that will heal all that she touches , her heart will be stronger still than it was before . Her name is - " No , don 't tell me . I mean , I know that I 'll have to know sooner or later , but for now I 'd like to just not know . " Caelin You are without a job , sir ? He told him that he might well be . I don 't understand . I thought you enjoyed being a good cop . Whatever has … ? Is it the death of your captain ? " He was my sergeant , but yes , because of him passing away , I don 't think my heart will be in this anymore . I might … never mind . If she can support me , I think I might just make furniture in my garage until I turn up dead one morning . Or I 'll run off and never return . " Dalton realized then that she was out of work too . They were starting off great , he thought . Two unemployed people with a huge house , no car , and nothing to show for their hard work . When Vance sat down beside him , he asked him when he 'd gotten in . " Two days ago . I 've been working on some things . " Dalton nodded . " Rumor has it you 're the next big cheese around here . You gonna be sheriff now , Dalt ? " Vance had been the only person who called him that . It mattered little to him that Dalton had asked him not to call him Dalt … he had continued over the years . Dalton asked him where he 'd heard that rumor . " Because that 's all it is , is a rumor . I 'm not going to take the job . In fact , I was seriously thinking of quitting altogether . " Vance told him that he 'd not enjoy retirement any more than he would . " Caelin just told me that my mate is here in town . " " Really ? I 'm assuming that it 's the pretty little doctor at the B & B then ? " Dalton didn 't want to ask about her , but he found that he wanted to know . " Yes , she is pretty . Tall … not quite as tall as you , but close . Blonde hair that I assume is long . Dark eyes . I 've not seen them as yet close up , but I 'd say they were blue , like midnight blue . " " You know a great deal about my mate , Vance . What have you been doing , spying on her ? " He nodded . " Whatever for ? You think she 's some sort of murderer or something ? It wouldn 't surprise me . Not at this point . " " No , but she has baggage . " Dalton just stared at him . " Her job , where she worked before , they really have a hard - on whatever that might be . He did wonder if he could go work for him for a bit , just to figure out what he wanted to do with the rest of his life . " I guess I should just wait for her then . I mean , I don 't want to seem like that odd stalker guy . " Vance said he had no idea , but thought that was a smart move . He knew less about women than Dalton did , apparently . " Whatever you do , I 'm sure that it 'll be either wrong or not enough . I know nothing at all about women . " Dalton looked at his brother . He was clean but his pants were army issue , his shirt a dark tee , and his boots - ass kickers , he called them - had seen better days . Vance kept his hair military short and neat , and he seldom had a beard . Dalton asked him why he didn 't wear … well , regular people clothing . " I wear what I want , when I want . " Dalton laughed . " Look , whether you go and see her or not , you should know that she 's polite , generous with her time , and like you , she wears what she does right out there for everyone to see . " He asked him what that meant . " You are a cop , Dalt . Even a blind man could tell that . And they 'd not even have to see the badge . Same with her . She 's a doctor , a good one , and people know that when they first see her . " Dalton sat there long after Vance left , trying to figure out what to do . He could have , he supposed , just walked over to meet her , but he had a feeling that would have been a mistake . He was sure that he could talk to Kenton too , but decided that he 'd get enough grief from him without adding to it . Instead , he went to his truck and drove home . Dalton was going to enjoy the next few days he had off , and not worry about mates , dragons , or men looking for jewelry . ~ ~ ~ Gabe walked to the diner . She 'd come to love the little place , what with the strange way they served their meals and the nice people who worked in and frequented the place . As she made her way inside , she knew which seat to sit in , which to avoid . When she sat in the booth with the unforgiving spring , she moved to the windhopefully the house that she 'd been looking at was ready to be rented . Things were going quite nicely for a change , and she was as rested and as happy as she 'd ever been . " Oh lordy . " Gabe looked up when she heard the shout from the kitchen , then Milly saying " Oh lordy " over and over . Getting up , she ticked off all the things that could go wrong in a kitchen , and was afraid that Milly had been hurt badly . As soon as she entered , she put her fingers in her mouth and let go of a shrill but effective whistle to shut the few people in the room up . A dishwasher was wearing the nastiest apron she 'd ever seen and dark gloves on his hands . Milly was standing there wringing her hands . A man , who she assumed was the cook , was lying on the floor with a large knife sticking out of his belly , his hands covered in his own blood and his eyes wide with terror . Gabe let her mind take over on what to do . " Milly , call the police and have them send an ambulance . " She 'd learned the first day that there was no one manning the nine - one - one service just yet . " Then I want you to get everyone out of here while I fix this . " " The knife , it just slipped up . " Gabe nodded and told her she had it . " He 's surely gonna bleed to death , and Kenton , he won 't make it in time . " " I 'm a doctor as well . I 've got this . Just do what I told you . " She made her way to Cook . If he had a name , she 'd never heard it . " I 'm Gabe . If you 'll allow me , I 'll see if I can help you . " " I think I 'm a goner . The knife , it 's stainless steel but it 's in me . " She told him as long as she was there , he wasn 't a goner . " I wasn 't paying no attention is what I was doing . Thinking of my boy and what we was gonna do when he was a mite bigger . Now I won 't see him . " He was getting weaker ; the arm that was holding him up slipped out from under him and he fell back to the floor . Gabe got her first look at the wound . He 'd cut his belly to his intestine , the knife still inside of him . Turning to the person who 'd " Uncle Kenton is on his way . He said for you to do what you needed to do and he 'd assist when he gets here . " She wasn 't sure how that conversation had happened but said nothing to the young man . " I told him what I could . " " You can … . You 're not human . " He told her he was but Kenton wasn 't . " I see . Right now I have more important things to do than to figure out what he might be . This is what we need to do . Christ , there is never a vampire around when you need one . " The laughter made her smile . It was one thing to scare the kid to death over something like this , but making him see humor wouldn 't give him nightmares too . As she moved the towels around the blade , all she could think about was that he might be right … Cook might die . When Kenton showed up , his black bag in hand , he asked her what she needed . It both surprised and impressed her that he didn 't just come in and take over . For the next twenty minutes , he handed her what she wanted and helped her when necessary . The impromptu surgery room wasn 't the best , but it was going to be good enough to save this man 's life . The medics , a couple of young men who she assumed were friends of Kenton , stayed back until they were ready to transport him . It wasn 't long after Kenton showed up that they were able to say that they 'd done the best that they could for the man . The rest was going to be up to the surgeon . Gabe rode in the ambulance , Kenton beside her . The medic rode in front with the driver , so in the event that they needed to , they 'd have room to work . As they worked together , she and Kenton , Cook came around once to tell Kenton to watch over his son for him . " You 're going to make it , Gerald . " She nearly asked who that was when the cook nodded . " The good doctor here , she got you all put back together , and once we get you to the hospital , she 's going to remove that knife you got stuck in you and you 'll be as good as new . But you have to believe us , Gerald . You know as well as I do that if you give up on her , Sand " You 'll learn . Gerald is a wolf . There is a lot of pack around the area . Nearly seven hundred now . The people who own the B & B where you 're staying , they 're bears . Milly is human , but she 's married to a cat . " She asked him what his family was . " My brother is a cop . He 'll be meeting us at the hospital . He has to fill out a report for insurance purposes . Milly owns the place , and while she 'd never tell anyone this , she 's fallen on some hard times of late and can 't afford this hit to her bank account . " " She needs to fix up the place . Expand a little , and for the love of all that is holy , get some better seating . " Gabe didn 't point out that he 'd not answered her as to what he was . She figured that he either didn 't want her to know , or it was so bad that he didn 't want to share . " I 'm looking for a house . One that is ready to move into . I don 't want to have to fix something up . " " We have a few . We 're here . " Just as he said that , the ambulance made a hard stop . Had she not been holding on , she would have fallen out of the door when it opened . The man standing there in a police officer 's shirt and jeans did not look happy . " Dalton , this is my new partner , Gabriela Nola . Gabe , this is Dalton McCade . We 're dragons . " She was halfway out of the back of the ambulance when Kenton spoke . Gabe felt her breath swoosh out of her and her heart simply stop beating . She knew they were speaking , arguing really , but nothing was getting through . Not air , not sound , not even blood was running in her body . Then the pain , like someone had slapped her , registered a split second before the world around her just disappeared . Leave a reply Spencer Graham had been trying to get a hold of Jason Crosby for weeks , but he didn 't seem to answer emails , mail or the telephone . She had an idea that would make them a great deal of money , but she needed him to invest in her project before it was too late . So , barging into his home at 4 a . m . was the only solution as far as she was concerned . She didn 't , however , expect him to answer the door naked and proposition her as soon as she walked in the door . Spencer did the only thing that came natural to her , she knocked him on his ass … . Jason Crosby was nearly two thousand years old , and in all his days as a vampire , he 'd never seen anyone quite like her , not that he thought that was a good thing . He didn 't . She was his mate , and he was only going the tolerate her because he had to … . The woman in his arms was weak . Crosby wasn 't sure that she was going to make it , not the way she 'd been burned . As soon as he laid her on the soft earth , she opened her eyes and looked up at him . Crosby felt his heart skip several beats . My goodness , she sure was a pretty little thing . " The others ? " He told her that his sons were getting out as many as they could . " Thank you . The house , it just exploded into flames . We had no time to get out . " " We caught him . " She frowned but let her eyes flitter to a close . Asking her if she was all right enough for him to leave her for a moment , she nodded . Crosby went to the house to help his boys . They had no way of knowing how many faeries were in the house . A few of them had died , whether from smoke inhalation or fire . They pulled out as many as they could , dead or alive , and laid them on the ground . Soon there 'd be nothing left of the building , but he didn 't want to leave anyone behind if he could help it . The faeries , even the smaller ones , were worth any kind of pain they might get from the hot flames to save them . " They 're all out , so far as we can tell . We 've made an area over there for the dead . The ones that can be saved are being helped by the others . " Jason , his oldest , dropped to his knees . " I don 't think we missed anyone , but it 's burning too hot for us to go back in . I 'm sorry , Dad . " " We did the best we could , son . You have to believe that . That house , it went up fast . I 'm thinking that the man who did this , he knew what he was about . " He glanced over at the woman he 'd brought out . She was resting , which he was glad for . And her body seemed to be healing slowly . " I think she 'd be the one in charge . If she 's awake , ask her how many were in the place , please . " Jason stood up just as the rest of them were coming out of the falling down building . Just as the last of his boys came out , the entire thing fell down behind them . Grayson jumped back when his shirt caught on one of the embers . Luckily , Elliot was able well , it was over almost as soon as we got here . " She nodded . " I 'm sorry about your family , miss . There was no cause for this . " " You said that he 'd been caught . Is he … did you kill him ? " Crosby told her that he was dead , yes . " Thank you for that . Had he been able to get away , I fear that he would do more of the same to my kind . I wish to repay you . " " No , that won 't be necessary . I know what you are and what they were , but we 've no desire to take anything else from you . You have lost enough , my lady . " She nodded and Crosby introduced her to his sons . " This is Jason , my oldest . Then in order of birth to youngest , it 's Chase , Elliot , Grayson , Ryan , and the youngest is Sean . This is the Lady Kilian , the faerie queen . " He was proud of his boys , all of them men now but still his little boys . As they shook her hand he spoke of them , just little things that he was happy to share with her . How they 'd been taking lessons from the neighbor lady to learn how to sew and knit . Things that men should know how to do in the event of an emergency . How Sean could do some doctoring if necessary , even on a human . All notes of the pride that Crosby felt for his sons . When she turned to him , he could see that she had completely healed and was feeling like herself again . She looked at the dead and injured . " The man who did this , he was out to kill all of us . " Crosby said that was about right . " Had you not come here when you did , he would have succeeded . By killing me , without someone to take the place of the queen , all faeries would have perished . And you know as well as I , that would be the death of a great deal of magic . " " We only came to help out the people living here , miss . We would have done the same for anyone . " She smiled at him . " You 're very beautiful , my lady . I 'm glad that we could save you and the others . I 'm sorry that there wasn 't more time for us . We 'll help with the dead , should you wish . As I said , it won 't be any trouble at all . " " You have given the worldshould be after a simple thank you gift . Every inch he crawled toward them , it felt as if he was taken several feet back . Christ , he was going to die right there . " Dad ? " He nodded at Jason as he got to his knees too . " I 'm sick . I mean , I feel like I need to puke and my legs are weak . What did she do to us ? " " She said it was a gift . For saving her and the others . Doesn 't feel that way , but that 's what she told me . " Jason cursed as he stood up on his wobbly legs . " We have to get to shelter . Can you get the others going ? " " I 'm not hurt . " He looked at Sean , who was standing with his arms wide . He wanted to tell him to grab up one of the others and go , but he looked at him , with the sunlight streaming behind him , and didn 't see any blisters . His skin wasn 't peeling back . And he looked … . Well , he looked happy . " The sun isn 't hurting me . I bet it 's not going to hurt any of us . And it feels fantastic . " Crosby looked at his own hands . They were covered in soot but not from his own flesh . Wiping them on his pants , he noticed that he wasn 't blistered either . His skin was just like it was when he was indoors , hiding from the very thing that would end their lives . Looking at the sun , he felt the warmth of it on his face and none of the terror that usually came with being outside . He 'd not felt this good , this warm , for as long as he could remember . " She gave us the gift of sunlight . " Crosby nodded at Jason . " Do you think that it 's only for today ? I mean , if it is , then I want to stay out here all through it . I have never felt the sun before . " No , neither had he . Once , long ago , he 'd felt it for a fleeting moment when his wife had died . It had been in his heart to join her , but the boys had needed him . And the promise that he 'd made to her before her passing had made him go into hiding again . He missed Rena every day . He 'd lost his wife to man . Not a human , but just as bad . There were a few good humans - he wasn 't stupid enough to think that they 'd all come fromtold them no than he could have told himself . Being in the sunlight , while fleeting , was the most fun he 'd had in a very long time . Crosby loved his children . All six of them . They had kept him going these last decades without their mother . He was tired , however . Not just today and how special it had been for them all , but he was tired of living . They no longer needed him , they had proven that to him over and over . Tomorrow night , he decided , he 'd talk to them and tell him of his plans . It was well past time for him to join their beloved mother . Leave a reply Tisha Porter didn 't think she was going to make it . Convinced she would die from her injuries , she left a blow by blow account of what happened to her and who was responsible . The why of it was still a mystery . Thanks to Detective Harlan James , Tisha was on the mend , but she was ready to get out of her father 's house and back into a house of her own . She was anxious to see that recently renovated old Victorian home and buy if she liked it . She wasn 't counting on the stress being too much for her still too weak body . Zachery Douglas was hosting the open house in the old Victorian . They 'd had more than two hundred people tour the house so far which was far more than he expected . And when Tisha walked through the door , he knew what she was to him , and he 'd do anything he had to do to make her his . Spencer Graham had been trying to get a hold of Jason Crosby for weeks , but he didn 't seem to answer emails , mail or the telephone . She had an idea that would make them a great deal of money , but she needed him to invest in her project before it was too late . So , barging into his home at 4 a . m . was the only solution as far as she was concerned . She didn 't , however , expect him to answer the door naked and proposition her as soon as she walked in the door . Spencer did the only thing that came natural to her , she knocked him on his ass … . Jason Crosby was nearly two thousand years old , and in all his days as a vampire , he 'd never seen anyone quite like her , not that he thought that was a good thing . He didn 't . She was his mate , and he was only going the tolerate her because he had to … . The building and surrounding area looked like a crater . The swing set , which may have held eight on it , was a twisted mess that hung from one of the blackened trees about a mile away . The slide was still sitting in its original place , yet barely resembled its former self . The only reason Harlan knew what it was is because he 'd seen his own kids on it . He looked over when someone said his name . " Four dead . We think . It 's going to be a little while before we can sort this mess out . If there were cars in the lot , I 'm not sure how long it will take before we can figure out not just the owners , but if they might have been here last night . Christ , this is a mess . " Harlan asked him if they 'd been able to get a list of teachers yet . " We 're still working on that . I have been able to canvas the damage surrounding this land . There has been one death that is apparently related to this explosion , but we won 't know for sure until all reports are in . Had this been in the city , Harlan , you know this would have been a hell of a lot worse . " " Yes . There are reports of windows blasted out eight miles from here . And I heard that one of the deaths was a man who had been on the street in front at the impact time and was killed by the blast . Is that the one that you 're talking about ? " Richard nodded . " As you know , had this happened only about ten hours later , there would have been children here , and a lot more bodies . " " We have narrowed down the center , we 're pretty sure . The city planner brought by the blueprints like you asked for , and he 's looking things over and thinks he knows where the epicenter is . Second grade room , as near we can tell . " Harlan wasn 't able to go to the area just yet ; the fire department was going over some of the wreckage to make sure that the fires were out . The bomb squad had left about half an hour ago . " The three bodies that we 've recovered here so far are two men from the janitorial service and a woman . No ID yet on the latter . We think it might have been the prin " Whoever this person was , they wanted this building gone , and didn 't care who was inside of it . It had a switch on location , meaning that it was set off by a simple movement or a lid being removed , so it mattered little to them when this thing went off . I would say that it more than likely was triggered by opening whatever it came here in , which I 'm thinking cardboard at this point . The others all depended on the main larger bomb , causing enough power to set them off as well . They were on a tumbler - like set off . Once they were moved , hard , they would blow . " Harlan asked him how long something like this would take to set up . " Hours . Maybe a few days . The person would have had to have access to the building , and no one to question what they were doing here . A good sense of the size , layout , as well as how much explosive material to use to get this sort of devastation . " " So whoever it was , they were known to those that work here , you 're thinking . I mean , the staff here , they didn 't have any issues with this person being in and out of here , so they could have pretty much done this without anyone having any clue . " Richard nodded . " This is some sick shit , you know that , right ? In another few hours , there would have been over four hundred people in this building , mostly kids . And then nearly seventy teachers and other staff . " " Don 't forget buses of kids that were being held to drop off at the higher grades , parents here dropping off little Jimmy for his first day , and any of the other hundreds of people that might have been passing by when this went off . " Harlan moved through the debris and other mangled things while they talked . " I heard that you 're having trouble locating two of the teachers . You think they might have been here too ? " " I hope to Christ not . Also , we did hear from the cleaning service . There were not three here , but six , to get the building ready for the first day . So far we 've had no luck at all trying to figure out if they showed up for work or not . The teacherssaw that the glass nearest the handle had been broken inward . Calling in backup , he was told to wait . It was then that he saw the blood . " I can 't wait . I can see that someone is hurt . Going in . " Instead of letting the dispatcher tell him to wait again , he muted his phone . He could be fired for it if this turned out to be nothing , but right now , he just didn 't care . As he made his way into the house , he noted in an abstract sort of way that it was neat . Not in a cleaned up sort of way - though it was that too - but more like this person did not care for clutter or fluff . Straight lines and hard surfaces were on everything , including the cushions on the chairs in the kitchen . It was also expensive , like this person spent all their money on their things , as they had no children or pets to muss it . Making his way to the living room , he could see the difference immediately . This was a room that was used ; comfort nearly screamed at him . The noise to his left gave him pause . He wasn 't in a good place in the house … the hallway he was in was not only open at both ends with rooms coming out from each side , but there were two doors that were opened in front of him , one on the right , the other on the left . But when he heard it again , he moved forward . " This is the Nevada Police . I 'm armed and have backup . " He heard the sirens getting closer and peeked quickly into the room to his right . Nothing . " Ms . Porter ? Can you hear me ? " " Yes . " He thought he heard her answer him but wasn 't sure . " I 'm dying . I 'm alone . " Relief was short lived when she cried out . " She hurt me . " Entering the room at the end , the doorway that spilled into the hall , he nearly backed away . The woman lying in a pool of blood looked as if she was indeed dying . Her body was not only covered in a great many of what looked like knife wounds , but she was beaten up as well . Moving closer , keeping his gun out , Harlan called for an ambulance . " I 'm Harlan James . Are you Tisha Porter ? " She nodded , then passed out . He could sthirty this morning , Alex had left . The facts in - between those times , he knew , would haunt him for years to come . By the time the ambulance arrived , he 'd called in a report on what he 'd found . Then he told his boss what she 'd written down about the other teacher , as well as having someone sent to her house to find the woman . Alexandra Grace was going to have a lot of explaining to do . ~ ~ ~ Randall moved through the hospital trying to figure out where he was to go . The nurse at the front desk had told him twice how to get to the operating area , but he was hurting in his heart so badly he only half remembered . When he saw two police officers , he made his way to them . " I 'm looking for my daughter , Tisha Porter . " The officer nodded at him and then took him to a man dressed in a dark suit . " My daughter , someone said that she was hurt . Tisha Porter is her name . She 's a teacher . Second grade . They all just love her . " " I 'm Harlan James , Mr . Porter . I came in with her . " Randall felt his knees simply give out on him . If Harlan hadn 't been there to catch him , he was sure he would have fallen . " Come on over here , Mr . Porter . We 'll talk while we wait . " " She loves teaching those children . I saw in the news that the entire building was blown up . I never got much from the man who called me . " Harlan said it had been him . " Was she in the building ? " " No . We found her at her home . That 's where we 're thinking she was hurt . Someone broke in . " Randall tried to think of why someone would harm his little girl . " She was beaten , and cut up pretty badly . The doctors here are doing all that they can to save her . You have a very smart and brave daughter , Mr . Porter . She 's helped us a great deal in this . " " That 's my baby . Always knew she was the best . I spoke to her just last night … I think it was the night before . It 's hard to think so much time has … . I had just called her to tell her to have fun with her first day . I teased her about her room being … . " He paused , trying to reme " She 's all I have in the world . Since her mother died , Tisha has become my whole world . I just saw her last weekend , and she was telling me how she 'd gotten all these nice learning tools from a shop online . And now this . " Harlan told him they were doing their best . " If you need anything , a kick in the ass to the mayor , you let me know . I 'll pull some strings and get you more manpower if you need it . You just let me know . I 'll get it for you . " " I think we have it for now , but I 'll keep that in mind . We 're working round the clock now , so I hope to have answers in a few days , if not sooner . " Randall nodded and Harlan stood up . " I 'm going to have someone at her room until we find this other person . And if you 'd be so kind , I 'd like for you to have a guard as well . Right now we don 't know the reason that any of this happened . So to be on the safe side , I 'd like to protect you as well . " " I have my own bodyguards . " Randall nodded to the hall where they were and the three men standing there . " Nothing will get past these men unless I tell them or they 're dead . If it will free up some of your men , I can assign them to her room as well . To be honest , sir , they 'll be there anyway . If you 'll agree to it , then nobody will get their underwear all tightened up by them being there too . " " I 'll let you know . " Randall nodded then was left alone . Making his way down the hall , he told Burt , his right hand man , what was going on as he sat in one of the most uncomfortable chairs he 'd ever been in . He also told Burt to set up some people on the inside for her safety . " You have it , sir . And may I suggest that we bring in that buddy of yours ? The retired agent ? He could be a little more help even from the sidelines . " Randall nodded . " Very good , sir . Have they told you how she 's doing ? I mean , more than you were told on the phone ? " " No . I 'd very much like it if you can run a check on any doctors and nurses she has contact with . And there is a person of interest that tto help himself , he tried to calm his nerves and heart . All he could think about was his daughter . Tisha had been born later in his life , he 'd been nearing forty and his wife just shy of that . Had anyone asked , he would have said they were happy being childless . They had money , a great deal of it , and traveled , and pretty much did anything that they wanted . Then Rachel had gotten pregnant and Tisha had come along . Randall was pretty sure until that moment he 'd not lived at all . Hadn 't taken a good breath of air , nor had his heart beat so well until he looked into the most beautiful pair of blue eyes he 'd ever seen . His baby girl , Tisha Randall Porter . She 'd been the best baby , and an even better child . No temper tantrums were ever thrown , nor did she give them a hard time about things . Of course , he 'd made sure that she had everything that she wanted … even if she only gave something a passing glance , he 'd get it for her . Until the day she turned seven . " I want to get a job . " He only nodded at her , indulging her even though he knew she 'd never have to work a day in her life , if he could help it . " My friend , Emma , has a job . And her grandma pays her for doing the dishes too . Not the pots and pans , but her pretty dishes she serves tea on . " " Tisha , I can give you money if that 's what you want . I have no problem with it . " She told him no , she wanted to earn her keep . " Honey , you don 't have to earn anything . We 're very wealthy . " " So are Emma 's mommy and daddy . And she has her own pocket money that she can do whatever she wants with and not have to ask . Why last month , she took me to get an ice cream soda , and no one knew about it but just the two of us . " Randall wondered just how much this other little girl was teaching his daughter . " I want to do this , Dad . You want me to be smart like you ? And know the value of money ? " " I do . And I 'm pretty sure that you have a good handle on the value of money . " Then she gave him that look . It wasn 't a pouty one , like most litAnother note to his list of things she 'd found out for him . As they went over her books , he was astonished not only at much she had learned by talking to the staff , but how much she 'd managed to save up as well . One hundred dollars just by doing odd jobs for those that worked for them . " All right , let 's see how you spent your cash , shall we ? " Randall had already had it in his head to get her a real ledger , as well as some colored pencils . It was the way that he 'd been keeping track of his earnings for years . Not only did he love seeing the numbers all lined up in neat rows , but when he had gotten a computer and it did the adding for him , he still found himself using his old tried and true method . " I 've put a computer on layaway . I had to have Molly help me with that . They 'd not sell me one at my age . I think it 's ridiculous that there has to be an age limit on learning , but now that it 's there , I pay on it every week and she takes it to the store for me . " Randall told her he 'd purchase it for her . " No , Dad . I 'm doing this on my own . " After an hour of going over everything , he 'd needed to find a quiet place to think . She had not just opened his eyes to his staff , but to the fact that she was not a baby any more . Randall would only admit this to himself , but he 'd had a good cry over that fact , and still got teary when he thought of it . " Mr . Porter ? " Dragging himself from his thoughts , he stared at the man in front of him for several seconds before he could think where he was . " Mr . Porter ? I 'm Doctor Fitzpatrick . I 've spoken to the police just now , and they told me that I could bring you up to date on your daughter 's surgery . " Randall sat up straighter in the chair and waited for the news . " She 's in grave condition , I 'm afraid , but I have hope that she 'll pull out of this . Tisha is young and in very good health . While she 's lost a great amount of blood and has had some pretty extensive wounds to her body , I think she stands a good chance of coming out of thin later and replace bone with metal in her hand , but for now , we have her in a hard cast to prevent her from doing more damage . " " Any internal injuries ? " The doctor nodded , then looked at him when Burt asked . " Was there brain damage ? What ? " " There is no way to soften the way I tell you this . Her abdomen was crushed , pelvis broken , and the fallopian tube on the right side was destroyed . Her womb was injured as well , to the point where it had to be removed or risk infection . As for her brain , we don 't yet know what sort of damage is there . After she wakes , if she does , we 'll be able to better determine where to go after that . " Randall felt his body just go limp . The words ' if she does ' were too much . His mind simply said this is too much , and he embraced the darkness where his little girl was safe in his dreams . Leave a reply Emma Hudson wanted to get this over with . Her father had left her in a jam , and the sooner she dropped off his duplicate trucker log books to the Harrisons , the sooner she could get back to work and try to clear her name . Trucking was all she knew , and she was tired of it . Liam Harrison watched the pretty little thing climb into her truck to get the books , but when she slipped and fell back into his arms with a life - threatening cut on her arm , he knew two things : she was his mate , and she would die if he didn 't convert her right now . And when a string of rest stop murders brings an old vampire friend back into the family 's fold , he informs them Emma was next . It was time to park the truck . They all knew that Emma 's father would come sniffing around to try to swindle her out of more money , it was just a matter of time . But how far would he go to get what he wanted ? Riordan Harrison can 't believe it . Everyone is pissed at him and he doesn 't see what the fuss is all about . All he did was tell the woman that she was his mate . He couldn 't help it that his tiger caused him to pin the woman to the counter and she proceeded to throw him to the ground and cover him with sticky pastries . Now , no one will talk to him , including his secretary . He hasn 't claimed the woman yet , and it is all seeming like it 's more trouble than it 's worth . Storm Browning , Stormy to her friends , is a wounded war hero . She 's done her duty and just wants to live a quiet life ― run her little bakery without any hitches . The majority of the men she commanded in the war had been shifters so she wasn 't surprised when the big oaf sniffed her out claiming that she was his mate . But that doesn 't mean she has to agree with it . What else could she do ? He had to go . He 'd hightail it and run anyway when he saw her scars ― they all did . She couldn 't emotionally handle that , not again at any rate . But if Riordan is going to get back on everyone 's good side , he 'll have to make peace with the woman . Even though he thinks he 's innocent , he 'll go for a visit and maybe apologize , but after he gets there things go from bad to worse . Stormy is targeted for assassination and he 's in the line of fire … . Cormac Harrison , Mac to his family and friends , has a good thing going . He has a brand new home , a successful business , and is truly happy with the direction his life is heading . Andi Collins can 't seem to catch a break . The last time she 'd encountered her father , she 'd ended up in the hospital . Now , Stormy Harrison , is giving her a break and helping her get back on her feet . So when this big handsome man tells her that she 's his mate she 's scared to death . Mate . She 'd heard the term before . And what it meant . She would belong to him . Not just him , but whoever he wanted to sell her to . Andi reached for the door handle , thinking that rolling from a moving car would be better than being passed around like a napkin at a banquet hall . " Don 't do that . " He reached for her hand just as she touched the handle . " Please , just listen to me and I 'll explain . " " I don 't need you to explain . I know what mate means . My friends at school , they told me what happens when you become a mate to men . And what they didn 't tell me , my father and aunt explained the rest . Mates use you , and then when they 've had enough , they pass you around to all the other men they know . I won 't have it . " The car suddenly stopped . Her seatbelt cut into her neck , and she nearly hit her head on the dash it stopped so abruptly . Nikki Neal was damn good at her job . As an undercover cop , she had just about enough information to put the local crime boss away , but she needed more to make it stick . But when someone blew her cover , Nikki found herself on the wrong end of several guns . Aedan Harrison was on the fast track to winning the Governor 's seat for the state of Ohio . He had his whole life , or at least his immediate future , planned out . What he didn 't need was a mate he hadn 't made plans for throwing a monkey wrench into the mix . The last thing Nikki needed was an overbearing jackass ordering her about , and telling her how much he didn 't need her in his life right now . Well , she didn 't need him either . She had work to do and needed to get herself and her grandda to safety . It didn 't take long for Aedan 's family to convince him in the error of his ways , and when he saw what he 'd done he felt like an ass . All he wanted to do was make it right , but could he grovel enough for her to accept him ? Brooke Rickson had been working the pottery wheel and pulling clay with her great - grandfather almost as long as she could remember . Her work was famous even though no one really knew who she was . She preferred it that way and had become a recluse since her great - grandfather died . He had left her everything . Mac Harrison loved rare pottery , and when he landed two tickets to the big art show he was thrilled . He could get his prized Rickson pottery piece appraised and get to see new work at the same time . He brought his brother , Darcy , along for the ride . When Darcy caught Brooke 's scent , he knew he 'd found his mate . Unfortunately , the beautiful recluse made no bones about telling him that she was alone and liked it that way , and that no man was barging in and taking over her orderly life . She was living her life just the way she wanted it and that didn 't include taking orders from a man - any man . He could get that thought right out of his head … . Liam loved the house . He walked through it once more , just to be sure that he wasn 't feeling something that wasn 't there . Nope , he thought to himself , he loved this place . Trying hard not to show how much he did , he walked around the big empty living room once more to calm himself and his inner cat . There wasn 't any point in giving away his happiness before making an offer . " This room alone is nearly as big as the house that I live in . " The realtor smiled at him . " What do you think , Mr . Harrison … is this a place you can put down roots ? " " I 'm not sure . " He thought that he sounded like he was bored and had to take a deep breath before continuing . " The kitchen needs to be redone . I mean , from the studs . There are going to be issues with the furnace and with the air conditioning as well before too much longer . Also , I think I saw rat droppings in the garage . " Which he knew wouldn 't be a problem once he moved in . He 'd bet by now , there wasn 't one within ten miles of the place . Him being a tiger tended to take care of that sort of thing . He asked her what the selling price was again , knowing full well what it was . " The house hasn 't been lived in for about four months … I believe that 's the time frame . And before that , I do believe that they had the place exterminated . If you 're seeing droppings , I 'm not sure where they came from . But the bank is very motivated to sell . They 're asking four hundred , but I think I can get them to go a little lower , but not too much . I do know that the house needs work . Like I said , it 's been empty for a few months while things were settled . " Liam nodded . He knew just exactly why it had been sitting , and that it had been a good deal longer than a few months . " I can go in at a lower price , but I believe they have multiple offers so I 'd not expect too much . " " All right then . Thank you for your time . " She took his hand when it was offered and Liam made his way to the door . " Wait . I don 't understand . Did you want me to make an offer ? Are you done with the house ? He told Storm that he was . Good . I think you should stop by our house . There is a large vehicle , and that 's an understatement , in the drive , and the person in it is asking for you . Not nicely , I might add . Hudson is her name . Why is she … ? You know what , I don 't care . She 's the woman that I was telling you about on the deal with Whites . She said she had some information on her father maybe picking up the loads that they 're missing . Any luck finding Mr . Hudson , by the way ? Storm told him she was still looking . He really fucked her over . Not the only one either , from what I 've been able to find out . But he did royally fuck her over with her job . She had a good rep , as you said , and he 's really taken her for a ride . Lost her house , car , as well as her savings trying to keep herself out of jail . I 'd like to find this fucker myself . Liam said that he would as well . She 's currently at her truck , walking around it . I don 't know why , but I kind of think that she 's had enough of the open road for a while . She looks beaten . Liam made a left to go to his brother 's home , and smiled when he thought of the temper of the woman , Hudson . When he 'd spoken to her last night - well , earlier that morning - he 'd been sleep confused , but hearing her voice and what she had to say had him getting up and going back to his computer . He was going to find her father if he had to do it on his own . The rig was parked in the long drive to his brother 's house . The woman was circling the back end , the place where the big trailer was attached . He watched her for several minutes as she moved around it like a little monkey , checking the lines and lights as she went . When she jumped down , she stared at him as he did her . Christ , she was beautiful . " Liam ? " He nodded at her question . " I was close enough to bring them to you , and I 'm not so trusting of the postal service on something like this . I need them back , so you know . I might need them should Daddy dearest come back for some more o " You 're cut deep . I have to heal you . " He heard Riordan caution him , but he was losing her and had to do something . As soon as she fainted , he shifted . The roaring in his head was making him sick . They were losing their mate and neither of them were happy about it . His cat whimpered but knew what to do . As soon as he licked the wound closed , tasting her blood as he did so , he seemed to realize at the same moment that she was too weak , that they 'd waited too long . Growling at the couple that were too close to them , his cat bit deeply into her belly , tearing it open as he did so . " Hurry , Liam . You 're going to lose her if you don 't . " He knew that and snarled at Storm , and she laughed . " Just trying to help . I 'm assuming that she 's your mate . " Yes . And I don 't want to hear you making fun of me just yet . He was pissy and wasn 't sure why , but he bit into her leg . Holding his mouth deep in the wound , he looked up at his brother . Riordan was afraid for him , and Liam didn 't feel any better about this . I have a feeling she 's not going to be thrilled when she wakes and finds out what I 've done . " More than likely not . But it was that or she was dead . I can hear her heart picking up , can you ? " He told him that he could . " Just a few more minutes now and you should be able to release her . I 'll take her inside and put her in the bedroom that you use when here . " Thank you . Riordan nodded and called to someone on the porch to bring out some blankets . Riordan , she 's got some pretty horrific memories in here . Mostly about her father . He took her for everything . And left her with living in this truck . " I know . I read the report Stormy found . When you release her , go in the house and shower and change . Once you are settled , I 'll bring you what we 've been able to find out . Also , Marcy Cochran called about the house . She wants you to make a reasonable offer . " Liam let the young woman go , but he wasn 't ready to leave her yet . Her heartrate had picked up and he could see the wound at " The courts went by the books on this . There is no fault according to them . She had to sell her house as well as her car , which wasn 't a new one but all she had , when the trucking dealership wanted all their money . The truck is still missing , it appears . " He asked if her father had it . " I 'm thinking not . I don 't know why , but I think he sold it for the money , and someone else is driving it that knows about trackers and such . Might be wrong , but I think that 's it . We have the LoJack information , and since we can 't find it that way , we 've come to the conclusion that it 's been taken out . Also , you know it is against the law . " If she thought that , then it was more than likely true . " I told Ennis not to worry about rushing now . I told him what happened , but not that she is my mate . " " He knows . So do your parents . " He asked her how that had happened . " Riordan was covered in blood when they showed up , Hudson 's blood , and your mom sort of freaked out . He had to tell them . " " I guess . I 'm trying to figure out what to tell her when she wakes up . " The woman on the bed stirred and he watched , sure that she was going to wake a great deal sooner than anyone would have expected . " I have to help her out . Of all of this . " " Liam , can I ask you a personal question ? " He just looked at her . " Okay , some of it I know . Like where you have some of your money invested . How much the books say you 're worth . But what is it you do ? I mean , I know you work for the family business when they need you , but that can 't be all that you do , is it ? " " I 'm a businessman . " She snorted at him . " Okay , I 'm a very good businessman . I invest low and sell high . For everything . I 'm good at bargaining on things as well . Like the house . I 'm going to get it , but not at the asking price . Then , if Emma doesn 't care for it , I 'll sell it for a great deal more than I purchased it for . " " Why would me liking your house have anything to do with whether or not you sell it ? " He grinned and saidmakes you have to save me . " He said that he would have anyway . " No , you wouldn 't have . Don 't lie to me . " " I can 't . " She nodded and sat up , but he could see that she was slightly dizzy . " You lost a great deal of blood , so you might want to take it easy for a few hours . You should try and drink a lot and have a light - " " Don 't order me around . " He leaned back in the chair and looked at her . " I 'm not … . I know you really didn 't , but I 'm starting to freak a little here . I 'm a fucking tiger . " ~ ~ ~ Hudson laid on the bed thinking about her life and what had just happened . " I don 't know what I 'm supposed to do . " " Me either . " She turned to her back and looked at him . " I 'm not going to apologize for converting you . I could , I guess , but you 're alive , and that 's the most important thing right now . I don 't know anything about you other than what I 've read in the information that Storm got for us when you called me . And you know even less than that about me . What would you like to know ? If anything . " " What was your name again ? " He told her . " All right , Liam . I 'm Emma Hudson , but I rarely go by my first name . I have no idea why , but that 's what they started calling me in middle school and that stuck . I drive cross country . Not as much as I used to , but sometimes I need the money more than I do anything . I had a home , but I had to sell it to pay for the rig that my father stole . Which he did , no matter what the courts say . " " Storm , my sister - in - law - and so you know , you met her when you came here - she doesn 't think he has it anymore . " She nodded , thinking that Storm had some good connections . " Your load you have now , you mentioned that it was a back run . Does that have to go out today ? " " Not today , but soon . I have to have it about six hours from here by noon tomorrow . " He leaned back in his chair . " What about me being a cat ? I mean , I can sort of feel something inside of me . What does that mean ? " " She 's letting you know that s " Yes . We feel that way as well . I 'd very much like it if you were to go with me to the house that I 'm thinking of buying . If it doesn 't suit you , then that 's fine as well . I have a place that I live in , it 's an apartment , if you 'll come stay with me for a time . " He cursed and she laughed . " There 's this big deal of a wedding next weekend . My brother Aedan is getting married . They 've been living together for a little while , but this wedding is going to be epic , I guess . " " Why ? " He told her how he was the governor of the state and that he was looking into becoming the president someday . " Wow . Your family , they have big plans . " " They do . We all do . " She nodded . " What is bothering you , Emma ? Is it something that I can fix ? Or do for you ? " " I 'm assuming that you all have money . " He nodded but didn 't say how much , which she thought was a good thing . " My father will get wind of this . Not that I 'm a cat , but that I 'm with someone with money , and he 'll come sniffing around . He 's not stupid , but he can play a person and get what he wants . No matter the cost to them . " " He can do that if he wants . But he won 't get away with it this time . I can promise you that . Nor will he hurt you , mentally , physically , or financially . " Hudson wasn 't sure , but she was almost afraid for her dad . " Will you take my hand ? Please ? " " What will that mean for us ? " He said that it would only be him taking her to the kitchen for food for now . " I feel something for you . I 'm not sure what it is , but I trust you . I want to be with you . Is that the cat in me ? " " Yes , for now anyway . I hope that later , you as a woman will feel something for me as well . We mate for life , and quickly . " She still wasn 't sure about this , none of it . " I want to take this slowly . I think it would benefit us both if we started out fresh , like we 're dating . I know that we 've gone beyond that , with me converting you and having this connection , but even my cat is okay with us doing it this wThere was a thick roast beef sandwich on a wonderfully fresh roll with lettuce , tomatoes , pickles , and onions . A bowl of french fries covered in a tomato sauce that was spicy as well as sweet . A large glass of the best tea that she 'd ever drank . She was just finishing off the last fry when June , the cook , asked her if she wanted peach or cherry pie . Hudson nodded . " Well , good for you . I have ice cream too should you want that . I 've not been to the creamery yet , so it won 't be homemade . " Hudson told her that she loved her . " Thank you , child . I 'm so glad to be cooking for the household again . The mister and missus have been away more than at home of late , and I 've missed it . " " You can cook for me whenever I 'm home . " Her face heated up . " I 'm sorry . I don 't know where I 'm going to be living or what the plan is . But this is the best meal I 've had in ages . And fresh pie too ? Well , I could easily kiss you for it . " After she ate both pieces of pie without the ice cream - she didn 't want to seem too piggish - her and Liam went to her truck . It was locked up , but as soon as she opened the door , she could see that someone had cleaned up after her . She asked Liam about it . " I had a friend of mine come over and fix the bent metal . He also put a new handle on for you . Then his wife - she 's the new alpha bitch for the wolf pack that roams our land - she cleaned up the rest for you . I think she was quite impressed with how much storage you have in there . " She told Liam it was necessary when she was gone . " I don 't imagine that it helped that you lost your house . " " He took me for a great many things . But my house was the most painful . " Climbing into the truck , she watched him walk around to the other side and get in . He commented on how roomy it was . " Yes . My dad complained a great deal about how crowded it was for him . And you 're much bigger . But he would have complained about it even if it had his recliner and a big screen television in front of him . " She showed him aroThis entry was posted in amazon , Amazon B & N I Tunes , book , Books , Dark Fantasy , erotica , Giveaway , Release Day , Romance , Tigers on May 15 , 2017 by Kathi Barton . Cooper : The Manning Dragons Release Day & Giveaway Leave a reply Cooper Manning and his five brothers were true dragons . Centuries ago , when the humans had turned on their kind , their father sacrificed himself to save his sons by casting a powerful spell which allowed them to walk among the humans . Even centuries later , Cooper couldn 't seem to let go of the past and despised most humans . Carson Langley was exhausted . After being forced to work thirty - six hours straight , she unwittingly complained to the new plant owner , now she knew she was fired . There was nothing left to do but go home and cry about it later . Cooper was sent by his brother to retrieve the helpful woman and bring her back to the plant , and he wasn 't happy about it either . It didn 't help that when she answered the door she shared his sour mood , and when he touched her hand , the magic that surged between them meant only one thing - she was his other half , and she was human … . Cooper was seeing red . Mature Audience Only ! Explicit sex scenes and language . Domlen Draglen does not follow any rules except his own . He does not want to be like his brothers , but his need to find the lady his mother predicts to be his mate has become his focus . He wants to find her and prove his mother wrong so he can go back to his normal life . The only problem is the mouthy , curvy she - wolf interests him , but she 's not his type or is she ? Tempest Shellin wants to prove that she can be essential to her pack . When the drop dead sexy dragon shows up for her , she didn 't know if she should laugh or cry . To save her pack she agrees to his rules , but soon finds out Domlen doesn 't play fair . Will this Domineering dragon and mouthy she - wolf find love or will they allow traditions to keep the apart . " I 'm afraid there is no hope for us . " No one made a sound as their leader continued . " Since the humans found out about us and what we can do , we have been doomed . I 'm so terribly sorry . " Coop looked around the room . There were so few of them now that he could easily count them . When he 'd been younger , thousands of years ago , there wouldn 't have been enough space for all of them to share this room . Now they were down to a quarter of them sharing the space because so many , his own wife included , had been murdered so needlessly . Coop was saddened by it all . Turning to leave the large cave , he was stopped by his brother , Xavier . " The boys , they are well ? " He nodded and smiled . Coop felt it all the way to his heart , a place that had been dead for so long , it seemed . " You have the spell ? You are going to use it on them ? I so wish I had thought of this before my own family was taken from me , Coop . You are a brave man and a good father . " " Thank you . And I shall use it tonight . It is the only way to save them . " Xavier nodded , his own heart heavy with the losses they 'd suffered . " You know that I would have shared should I have had it sooner . I 'm so sorry , brother . All of my heart , it 's sorry for you . " " I know that . I do . But they 're all gone now . My other half , my children . Killed for things that are not fair to our kind . " Coop knew that all too well . " Aria was a good woman , Coop . A good woman and mother to your sons . She will be missed forever . " " Aye , in my heart and those of my sons . " Xavier stood there for several seconds and Coop told him he must go . " They 're awaiting word on what is to happen with us all . " " One more thing , if you please . It won 't take but a second . I have left them all that I have . It is where you keep them hidden away , the boys . Deep within the cave , it 's all there . " Coop asked him what he meant . " I cannot go on , brother . I cannot . There is too much grief in my heart for me to live . I have left my things for your children there . TheyWhen his eldest son came to him , his eyes full of fear , Coop knew that it was well past time that he did what he 'd been practicing . The magic that would keep them safe . Gathering his sons , six of them in varying shades of blues and greens , he asked them to have a seat , that he had a story to tell them . It wasn 't a story , not truly , but a tale that would hopefully keep them safe . " A witch told me once of a great magic that only few can do . It takes a loving heart and a strong dragon to make it work . I have asked her and she has told me how to make it so . This magic , it will keep you all safe from the humans . " They nodded , each of them knowing that it was a human blade that had taken the life of their dear mother . " I will perform this upon you , each of you at the same time , and give you some magic that you will use when you need it . This magic , strong and powerful , will let you roam with the humans , and they 'll not know that your true self is just below your flesh . " " You mean we 'll be humans as well ? " He nodded , then shook his head at Cooper , his oldest . " I don 't understand , Father . Will you explain ? " " Yes . The magic that I will give you will let you change into your true self when you are alone . But when you are out in the world , you will need to be a human . A man . " Cooper looked at his brothers , then back at him as he continued . " With this magic , I will also give you a gift . Something that you will need to keep yourself safe should they find out . A stronger armor than any other dragon before you , as well as the same immortality that you have now , as man or dragon . " Hudson stared at him for long moments . He was the thinker , and if he could think of a reason for this not to work , he would voice it loudly . He was much like his mother in that . She would be the first to say when she did or did not like something . And the first to say that the plan was perfect . He only hoped that she would have approved of this . " I think you are very smart , Father . To try and keep us safe . But I can " I am already , Cooper . Forever . " The others nodded too . They were ready for this , as much as he was dreading it . Because once he started the process to change his sons into men , then he would begin to die . It would take all that he was to change them . Standing up , spreading his wings out behind him , Coop told them about the things that their uncle had left them . They knew where the family jewels were , the things that their mother had left them as well . Once they were standing , their bodies strong and healthy , he felt his heart swell and break for what he was about to do . " I , Cooper Manning , of the Manning Dragons of the earth , give to my sons , Cooper , Hudson , Lincoln , Lucas , Tristan , and Xavier , all that I am . Each of you will take a part of the earth with you when you are converted . The part of you that is unique in all ways will be strengthened and enhanced . You will be immortal , forever , and those that you take to your heart will be as well . " His sons bowed before him when he told them to . He said the words over them that would change them to men . Coop could feel his body shutting down , his heart beating a little less . But he had one more thing he wished to bless them with , and held himself upright to give it from his own dying heart . " One day , true love will come to you . And you will have more than you 've ever known . It will fill you in ways that you cannot ever imagine . Love will be yours for all times . For only then will you become a true dragon , a Manning dragon . " ~ ~ ~ Cooper sat with his brothers while their father lay dying . Coop 's heart was weak from what he 'd done , and it was tearing him apart . Father was weak , yes , but he continued to tell them tales of their mother , of their adventures when they were only small dragons . They were going to be alone soon … their father was so close to joining their mother that it hurt Cooper in ways that he hadn 't expected . " What shall we do with his body ? " Cooper looked at Tristan and asked him what he meant . " He will not be able to lie here . " We will survive if we stay here . " Cooper told Xavier that they 'd have to leave here eventually . " To feed and to fly , yes . But perhaps we could do that only at night . To keep to the skies and not let them see us . " " They know we are about and will have spies out looking for our lairs . We will have to kill any man that comes for us , and still we will not be safe . We are , after all , dragons that have a great deal of magic . " Coop stopped breathing . Cooper didn 't hear his father 's heart , and knew that it was at an end . He was quiet for a bit longer , waiting , hoping for just one more beat , one more sound that would mean he was still alive . But there was nothing . Their father was dead . Sitting up , he told his brothers that Coop had passed from this world into the next . None of them had ever seen a dragon die before . Their mother had been dead when they found her . Each dragon that they 'd come upon when they were out had been dead long before they found them , their bodies stripped of every part of them so that they resembled less of a dragon and more like a pile of bones that had been cut up . Dragon 's scales were used for roofs for humans ' homes , and for shields . The very meat of them was roasted and stored away so that it could be used for medicines and potions . Their hearts were cut up and dried , then ground into a powder for the humans to use to keep them from sickness , as well as magic to have a grand garden and trees heavy with fruit . The only part that would be left was the bones , and sometimes even those were carried off and used for something . Cooper hated all humans . " We will do as suggested by Hudson . It is the only assured way that we can - " Before he could finish , he felt the stirring of the earth . It shook so hard that it knocked each of them off their feet . As they lay there , terrified that someone was coming for them , their father appeared before them . His body was still aground . But instead of dark in death , he was brilliant in light . Faeries , thousands upon thousands of faeriebody . Faerie ropes were all around him … strings of magic wrapped around him like a cocoon that made him invisible to all . As Cooper stood there , his brothers beside him , he knew that , like him , they mourned the loss of yet another parent . " You are the eldest ? " He nodded to the faerie when she asked . " We have a gift for you . For all of you , but you will receive the most . Your father was a great man , your mother a queen among her people . We wish to bestow upon you all that your father had . " " My brothers , they will need it as well . I should like to share . " She smiled at him and bowed . " What have you done with his body ? " " He is being prepared to be moved . We will make a grand garden upon him . Flowers will be there for all to see , but only few will know that a dragon is there with his other half , his love . " He nodded . It was as it should be . " You will take this gift ? You will share , but as I said , you will get more than the others . " " I don 't care . Please , just do what you must so that we can hide . " She nodded again and touched her fingers , small tiny ones , to his forehead . Then she did the same to the others before coming back to him . " It is done ? You have shared it with us ? " " I have , Lord Cooper . But you must leave here now . There are humans coming . The magic that we used to do this thing has given them cause to come here . " He nodded and looked at the ground where their father had been . " He is safe . Just as your mother is now . Go , before they find you here and murder you as well . " He thanked her for her help and left . The exit from this part of the cave was hidden so well that only they knew about it . As they made their way into the night , he thought of the human inside of him , and the pain of it took his breath away . In seconds he was down on his knees . Whatever was happening , he was surely going to die . " You 're a man . " He looked up at his brothers as they began to change into men themselves . " We 'll be safe now , all of us . We 'll be humans for them until we can fThis entry was posted in amazon , Amazon B & N I Tunes , Book One in series , Dark Fantasy , Dragon Series , erotica , Giveaway , Release Day on May 1 , 2017 by Kathi Barton . Evan : The Whitfield Rancher Release Day Leave a reply Dylan Hutchinson lived and breathed Army , and she 'd been under cover so long she 'd forgot what it felt like to be a civilian . But the last mission took a turn for the worse and not only was she hurt , but she 's been informed that she could no longer do her job . It 's either a desk job as a recruiter , or she 's out . Evan Whitfield didn 't have to work , but he loved his job as a surgeon . And when as his tiger he found an old man wandering in the woods with Alzheimer 's and confused , he wanted to help the family . The family had a daughter in the hospital too , and they were struggling . Evan thought the daughter might be not as sick or hurt as she claimed to be , so he took it upon himself to check her out . Evan was surprised to find that she was not only hurt worse than they claimed , she was also his mate . For a doctor , Dylan thought Evan was dense . What part of go away didn 't he understand ? She wasn 't the mate or marrying kind . Her life was over , not beginning . He needed to just go away … . The hay bailer was working the last two rows when Evan saw his dad riding his big bay horse toward him . Blake and Adrian , two of his brothers , had already been cut loose , and he was fixing to do the same to Joshua and David , his other brothers . He and Adam could handle this last bit , so he told them to head on back to the house before Dad got there . " He looks like he 's got something on his mind . I 'm betting it has something to do with that trip he made today . It 's not like him to go to town unless one of us is with him . " Nodding at Adam , Evan watched as Dad dismounted and made his way toward them . " Are you staying for supper tonight , or heading back to town ? " " Town . I have to work in the morning . " Dad asked him if they were about done . " Yes , sir . Adam and I are going to see to this before we put the tractor in the barn . Adrian said he 'd clean it for me after supper . " " You not staying ? " He told him the same thing he 'd told Adam . " I don 't know why you don 't just quit that job . I know that you 're good at it and all , but I 'd sure like to see you more than once a week , and that has you rushing off again . Come home , son . For good . " There was a bite to his voice , as if he was really pissed at him . Evan let out a long breath , picking up the next bale that had come from the baler . Whatever was bothering his dad , he was sure it had nothing to do with his job . " Dad , I 'm thirty minutes away . Less if I need to hurry . And me working was what I went to college for . And I love what I do . It 's rewarding to see how my work is making a difference . You know as well as I do that you have more than enough hands around if you need them . " His dad nodded but didn 't say anything else . " Everything all right ? " " Yes . Why wouldn 't it be ? " Evan only shrugged . His dad was in a mood , and while it wouldn 't last long , he could be a bear until it was over . " Your grandpa is coming for a visit . I guess he went and talked to your mom and they set it up . I was in town earlier picking him " He wants to go over his will . " Well , that was something . No one liked to be made to realize that they were as mortal as the next . " I 'm not ready for that . I just … . We just buried my mom , and I don 't want to talk about him leaving too . It 's too much . But when I said that to your mother , she got all huffy with me . " " She got huffy or you got huffy ? " His dad said he might have started it . " Mom loved Grandma too . I 'm betting she no more wants to do this than you do . But I can also understand why Grandpa wants to do this . It was a mess when Grandma died , and she had everything all written out for the funeral director and all . " " No will was properly made out . I know that , I surely do , but it 's just too soon . What am I gonna do if something happens to him too ? " Evan hugged his dad and told him he had them . " Yes , but he 's my dad . And … well , I don 't know what I 'm going to do . You know ? He 's always been there , him and Mom . And to think that he 's making these plans … well , it just breaks my heart . Upsets me so that I get angry about it . I 'm sorry , I am , but he 's my dad . " " Maybe if you just let him do this , then he 'll start to get better . You know as well as I that he 's been in a bad way . Not that I blame him . I know that I would be as well . But if he feels like things are settled , then perhaps he 'll start to come out of this depression a little more . " His dad said nothing . " Dad , I don 't know what else to do . He 's going to do it , no matter what we try to say . " " What if he 's doing this because he has plans to join Mom ? I mean , like right now , instead of waiting until his time comes along ? I 'm afraid , Evan , that is just what he 's planning to do . This might be his way of getting things settled , as you called it , before he does something really stupid . " Evan had actually thought of that but didn 't want to mention it to his dad . " I can 't lose another parent . Even as old as I am and knowing that he 's getting up there , I just can 't lose him . " Grandpa , Dad . Maybe if we show him how much we need him around , he 'll rethink whatever it is he 's got going on in his head . " " I 'd like that too . I know you have to go back to work tomorrow , but I wish you 'd reconsider coming home for good . It 's not like you need to work , Evan . I really miss you . And I know that your brothers and mom do as well . " Evan didn 't say anything . There was nothing for him to say . He had to work or he 'd go nuts . " You think on it . Maybe you can take some vacation time out and see what you 're missing here . " " I know what I 'm missing . I think about it every day . " They got off the hay and helped the hands put it in the barn . In a few weeks they 'd have to go to the other field to do the same thing there , but for now they had enough to keep the few cows they had and the horses fed in the colder months . And to sell to the other ranchers around them when they ran short . Evan loved his family . He enjoyed being with them , talking to his brothers about nothing much at all . And the open fields that he could roam alone or with them . But he needed to be away too . Needed his own space , his own things . If he did quit his job and came home , his mom and dad would expect him to live at home again , as most of his brothers were . Not that it wasn 't nice being all together , but he needed quiet sometimes . Grandpa was at the house when they came out of the barn . He was still looking lost , not that Evan didn 't blame him . Evan saw a lot of death in his job . Being a surgeon was not meeting people in the best of circumstances . His family might drive him nuts at times , but they were his and he loved them . Hugging Grandpa , he followed him to the mud room to clean up . Grandpa didn 't say anything , but Evan knew he had something on his mind . " You still being a doctor out there in the city ? " He said that he was . " I was wondering if you 'd do me a favor when you go back . I need something notarized , and I 'd like for you to drop me at the bank when you leave here . If you don 't anything to live for . " You have us . Dad and Mom too . We 'd have no one if you were to do this . " " I hurt . " Evan told him he didn 't know the pain he was feeling , but understood . " She kept me in line . Helped me through the day just by loving me . And I tell you right now that she made me feel like I was the king of the world with just her smile . I miss her so very much . " He sobbed then , holding onto Evan as he did so . Evan felt his own eyes fill with tears , and when they fell over his cheeks , he held his grandpa all the tighter . Grandma had been there for all of them . She 'd been the one that he could go to , for anything . And now she was gone and Grandpa wanted to join her . Dinner was a somber affair . No one , it seemed , was in their usual jolly mood . Even Blake , who could liven up any seating , was quiet . Evan helped his mom clear the dishes , and the rest of them cleaned up the kitchen . Grandpa joined them just as they were putting the last clean pot on the hanger . " Buy it from me . One of you boys , you should buy my house from me . " They didn 't move , not even to look at one another . " I will make you a good deal . I can 't … . I was thinking of moving in with Oliver here , and I would love for one of you yahoos to have the house . " " You move in with Dad and Mom , and I 'll buy it . " Evan had no idea why he said that . He didn 't need a house any more than he needed to work . " You promise us that you 'll move in here and behave yourself , then I 'll buy your house . " " I don 't want to behave myself . I want to … I want to run in the woods . Have some … . You six should make me a great grandpa . I 'd surely have something to do if you were to do that . " Each of them groaned and Grandpa laughed . " You promise me that you 'll be on the outlook for yourself a mate , and I 'll try and keep myself in a better frame of mind . " " Deal . " All of them put out their hands after making the promise . If that was all it took , a promise , then Evan would do it . As for the house ? He didn 't have a clucoming home because she 'd been hurt badly and had to leave the service . He could tell him , but Dad wouldn 't remember it . " I 'd like to have fish for dinner tonight . You go ask your momma if she can whip me some up . " Norris nodded . " Then we should go for ice cream . You got those good grades , so we should celebrate . Didn 't you , boy ? " " I 'd like that . We 'll go after supper , if you still want . " Dad got up and made his way to his room . In a few minutes , he 'd come back out and ask Norris where his bed was , and he 'd have to show him . Alzheimer 's sucked . Several years ago his dad had been a little forgetful . Slightly disoriented at times too . Nothing that worried them much . His dad was brilliant , and had always had trouble remembering simple tasks unless he wrote them down . After his wife passed , he became worse … his inability to remember to put on shoes or wear a coat had gotten him put in the hospital with a cold that had turned into pneumonia . Then they started noticing him being forgetful of who they were , and most of the time he would remember things that were well in the past . Then he 'd begun to wander off . It was then that Norris had found out that his dad was slowly losing his ability to do a great many things . Like living alone and keeping his own house . Meals were skipped because he couldn 't remember if he 'd eaten . Bedtimes were overlooked because he didn 't remember where his bed was . Things like that and more had gotten the doctor to declare him unfit to live on his own . He 'd been living with them since then . Not that he didn 't enjoy having his dad around . But lately , just over the last few months , he 'd been getting away from them . Running off without telling anyone where he was going . And sometimes the police had to help them find him . His dad was having more and more bad days all the time . It was putting a strain not just on Norris 's health , but his finances as well . When Norris 's wife Stella returned from grocery shopping , he checked on his dad before he went tdidn 't know where it had happened or how she 'd been injured , nor did he know to what extent her injuries were . But he knew that she was lucky to be alive , and that was all that mattered to him . For now , anyway . " When did they say they 'd be here with her ? You probably told me , but my mind is a little fuzzy . I 'm so tired , Norris . I shouldn 't have stayed up so late watching that movie . " He laughed and told his wife that it was supposed to be Friday . " Good . We 'll be there when they land . Then we 'll go to the hospital with her . I miss her so much . " He did as well , and had for a long time . Dylan was their only child , and she 'd been a delightful little girl who grew up into a wonderful grown up . At seventeen she 'd joined the army , and soon after she made it through boot camp , she 'd been picked to be trained for special jobs . He knew that she was covert , but anything else had been kept from them , to keep them , and especially her , safe . Over the next ten years they 'd seen very little of their daughter . She was forever rushing off for one thing or another , her job keeping her away for longer periods of time . Then about six months ago , a few days before they 'd been notified that there had been an accident , she 'd called him . With the call coming in the middle of the night , he knew something was wrong . " Dad ? " He said it was him and glanced at the clock . He 'd never forget the time . It was one twenty - four in the morning . " Dad , I 'm going to be coming home soon , I 've arranged it . I 'll have a month off . I 'd like for you to do something for me . " " Anything . You name it and it 'll be yours . " She laughed and he could hear the tension in it . " What is it , baby ? Are you all right ? " " No . I 've been … I don 't think I can do this anymore . So much death and pain here now . " He asked her what it was . " I can 't tell you . But I 'm done . I want to come home and make a life . After my R & R , I 'm going to muster out . I want a house . A yard of my own . I want things to be normal . her was she able to speak . er body was too broken to do much more than just heal . orris made his way out to the back of the house and sat on the deck . is baby was coming home , and he doubted very much anything was going to be normal for her again . Norris ? " e looked up at his wife when she said his name . Norris , I can 't find your father . e was resting not ten minutes ago , and now he 's gone . " is body tensed up and he stood . ad could have gone anywhere in that little time . he man was like a magician when it came to escaping their notice and getting into trouble . alling the police to tell them what had happened , he began walking the streets . is dad would only be able to tell someone where he lived if he was having a good day . nd his dad 's good days had been few and far between in the last several weeks . ost everyone knew him , but there were a few that didn 't . Did you find your dad , Mr . Hutchinson ? " e told the officer that he 'd not about an hour later when he drove up behind him . I have all our men out looking for him . ou should go and talk to Mr . Whitfield like I suggested . im and his boys , they 'd sure be able to find him a good deal faster . " I know . 've been meaning to , but my daughter … she 's coming home soon . " fficer Petty told him that was wonderful as he stopped the cruiser and got out . She 's going to be spending a few weeks in the hospital , but she 'll be home soon enough . " You 've had a rough few months , Mr . Hutchinson . ut having Hutch home , that 'll take some of the burden off you and your family . he was always one to depend on . " e only nodded , knowing that she 'd be depending on them a great deal now . e 'd not been able to tell anyone anything because , frankly , he didn 't know anything . I 've got my men out looking for him , sir , like I said . e 'll find him for you . " e hoped so . hile it wasn 't cold out , still summer yet , he did worry about his dad taking a tumble into something and not getting out . r wandering into so " Yes . nd Bennie is still one of them . swear to you , if you make him wet his pants again , I 'll … I 'll … . " he laughed hard at his lack of a threat . He 's a good kid , Dylan . hy do you dislike him so much ? " He 's not a good kid , Dad . e 's a bully and a fucking prick . ut I 'll be good if he does . ow , what did you get Mom ? " y the time they 'd gotten to the mall , both had been having a good time . hen they went into the jeweler 's , she 'd offered to pay the difference on the watch he 'd gotten for her mom . I got it . hat did you get her ? " he only shook her head and told him not to guess . You did get her something , didn 't you ? " I got you both something . " orris had seen her stiffen up and turned to see Bennie behind him . Hello , Bennie . " Well , well , well . f it 's not the terror of Washington street . ome for good , this time , Dylan ? r are you headed back to out of country ? " ennie made those quotation signs with his fingers when he asked her about the country . Me and the boys , we think you 're just in prison . girl like you , that 's where you belong . " Dad ? " e hadn 't wanted trouble , not then or now , but there really was something simply mean about Bennie today . nd after that , he 'd noticed it a great deal more . Dad , I 'm doing what you asked , but it 's not easy . " You shoplifting , Dylan ? s that what you learned in prison ? r , I 'm sorry , in the army ? " ennie reached for her , and even standing there beside her , Norris hadn 't seen her move . efore he could tell her to go for it , Bennie was on the floor screaming to be released . You 've fucking broke my hand . " he laughed and told him she 'd not . You have . can feel it . " No , I didn 't . only stopped you from touching me . owever , I can break it if you want . " orris told her not to just yet . All right . ut I did try to be good , Dad . e started it . " He did . saw it . " he police were called and she was asked to let the mall cop go . fter several witneThis entry was posted in amazon , Amazon B & N I Tunes , Book One in series , Dark Fantasy , erotica , Release Day , Tigers on April 17 , 2017 by Kathi Barton . terling : Calhoun Men Release Day & Giveaway Leave a reply Marty liked her life just fine . She was alone in the world , and waiting on tables would get her by until she finished college , but the girl she was training wasn 't working out . And the girl got her fired - now what was she supposed to do ? She needed that job to survive . Sterling Calhoun 's encounter with the she - devil was over , but the nightmares still lingered . The only thing that helped him deal with the nightmarish pain were his paintings . And through is Grandda he met Marty , his mate , but Sterling hadn 't been himself for a very long time … . Marty knew a few shifters , so she knew what it meant when Sterling told her she was his mate . Oh , hell no , this guy had to be nuts , the " mates " she knew were a strange lot , and she didn 't want any part of it … . I BOOKS Coming Soon Johanna , better known as Joe , had been a day walker for her only friend , Noah , for centuries . An immortal with eight hundred years under her belt , she had become proficient in several languages and occupations . When her friend Noah talked about meeting the sun , she had every intention of following in his path . Joe had only gone to the Calhoun 's office to catch a ride to the estate . When she entered , it took her breath away to see the younger man on the floor and no one doing a damn thing to help him . Trent Calhoun had forgotten how to have fun . Diving into his work was what kept him happy . At 33 he had no life , so when he had a heart attack , his doctor said to change his ways or else . When the gorgeous woman stumbled into his hospital room , Trent thought his dad was up to his old tricks again ― that was until he caught her scent … . Now , because of his wolf , he 's face to face with an angry vampire … . Noelle was in somewhat of a pickle . She had researched the Calhoun firm ― Elijah Calhoun in particular ― before she made the appointment , but she was having second and third thoughts about hiring the firm after she got there . All her research indicated she could trust them , but big men scared the hell out of her , and the place was full of them . Elijah had been running a tad late for work , so his brother Trent took his first appointment . Elijah never dreamed that the woman he had an appointment with was his future mate … and she needed his protection . Noelle 's stepfather wasn 't their only problem . Elijah 's brother Sterling 's nightmares had gotten worse and somehow the creature that had marked him was controlling his actions as well … no one was safe … . Chloe Davis was giving up . She thought for sure the owners of the computer shop she worked for were responsible for her father 's death , but in all the time she 'd worked there she 'd not been able to find enough evidence to prove it , so as far as she was concerned she was out of there . Her boss , George , on the other hand had other ideas . As far as he was concerned she wasn 't going anywhere … by force if necessary . Scott Calhoun was just trying to help his grandfather get the young woman to safety , the last thing he expected was for her to be his mate . And he wasn 't happy about it either . Scott was a Dom , and he liked his sex hard and rough and his women submissive … this woman was a spitfire , and he was pretty sure he 'd scare her off with his demands … . As far as he was concerned he was a deviant , not mate material . But when Chloe and Scott come together , they both find more than they expected … Scott has finally met his match . Now , if everyone would stop trying to kill them , they might live long enough to enjoy each other . Alta set a plate full of food in front of him , and Sterling stared at it before looking up at her . She 'd been with him for nearly four months now , and he was sure that he was about as fattened up as he was going to get . She smiled at him and told him to eat . " I 'm thinking you 're either fattening me up for a huge dinner , or you think I 'm still skinny . First , I 'm not Santa , and second … . Well , second , I 'm not that hungry anymore . " She patted him on the cheek and walked away as he started putting butter on his pancakes . " Did I tell you that I 'm supposed to host Christmas this year ? I haven 't any idea why I got volunteered . I guess I should pay more attention when they 're all talking . " " They do love to talk , your family . " He nodded as she handed him a platter of bacon and sausage . " Randal is coming . I think he should be here any second . " The back door opened and there stood his brother covered in snow . He was brushing it off his head as he was telling Alta that he could eat again . When he sat across from him , stealing one of his pieces of bacon , Alta gave him pancakes as well . " Mom sent me over . And Grandma wants to know if you have enough decorations for Christmas . " He said he had some . " I 'm also supposed to tell you that once you 're ready to start with the decorations , you 're to call Mom . She said don 't forget . Wanna go shopping with me ? " " No . I have work to do , and Noelle has a list of things she needs me to pick up as well . I guess she 's been making some pretty good deals with a few vampires that Noah knows . " Randal finished his breakfast before he did , which didn 't surprise Sterl . He didn 't have live - in help and no one cooked for him . " Why did Mom send you here ? " " Mostly to make sure that you 're eating well and that you 're not lazing around the house . I haven 't any idea why she thinks that , but she told me to see about you . And I think she 's still pissed at Grandda . He should have known better than to be late for dinner on Friday . " They ← Older posts

Leave a reply Dr . Gabriela Nola , Gabe to everyone , hadn 't been in town long . Kenton McCade was looking for a partner in his practice , and she was hoping to fill the spot . A nice small town beat the last hospital job she 'd just recently quit - 90 hours a week with a shorthanded staff . She just wanted normal , and the voice in her head to stop already about opening the box and wearing the item inside . Dalton McCade knew when he heard the dragon 's voice that he was next on the list , and ready or not his mate was coming . According to the dragon , she was already here and had refused to put the combs in her hair . But as always , danger followed the jewelry , and Gabe was no exception . The mysterious stranger would have all the pieces for his own collection , and didn 't care who he had to kill to get them . Emma Gentry felt like she was losing her mind . From the time she had picked up the pretty ring to examine it , she 'd been hearing a voice in her head . When she ran from the demolished building , she 'd slipped the ring on her finger so that she wouldn 't drop it , now she couldn 't get it off . She was in dire need of medical attention , but the voice wouldn 't let her stop to get help . There were others looking for the ring and would kill her for it . Emma was on the run . Kenton McCade was the doctor in the family . When found Emma in his office treating a badly infected wound on her leg , he had to help her . The infection had spread and she was near death . Kenton and his brothers were dragon shifters born without the ability to shift into their other half . The magic , it seemed , lay dormant in a sleeping dragon that was tied to six pieces of jewelry . When the ring found its way to Emma , her touch had woken the sleeping beast . When Emma touched Kenton 's sigil on his chest , he shifted to his beast for the first time . But the beast from the ring would not be complete until all the jewelry found its way to their rightful dragons … . Emma was still on the run … they need her to survive … but Emma trusted no one … Buy Link https : / / www . amazon . com / gp / product / B01C7E371A / ref = series _ rw _ dp _ sw Jasmine Tyler was wishing she had never found those earrings in that box of junk she bought at auction . They were so pretty , and the dragons had so much detail , that she simply had to try them on . That was the biggest mistake she 'd ever made . Once they were on they weren 't coming off . And those men in the black SUVs meant business . She 'd hand the earrings over or they 'd kill her . They 'd more than likely kill her anyway even if she could get the damn things off . Now she was on the run with her young son , Gavin , and her ailing granny . A voice in her head that started when she put the earrings on was directing her to find the McCades . The dragon had told Kenton and Jorden McCade that another piece of jewelry had been activated , and the boy that had just come into Jorden 's studio was her son . The dragon didn 't know which brother she was mated to , but she had sent the boy and her granny ahead to keep them safe . Now , another attempt had been made on her life and she was in a hospital an hour away . The cop at the scene had been in on it , and Jasmine found herself in a pickle . She 'd been drugged and there wasn 't a thing she could do about it . Her body hit the floor by her hospital bed and she was looking into the lifeless eyes of her nurse . As soon as Jorden scooped Jasmine up off the floor and her earring touched his skin , he knew that this woman was his . The earring left a brand , marking them both . He couldn 't be happier about finding her , now to convince her to stay was going to be the problem … . Harper Bailey was in way over her head , and the trouble just seemed to keep coming . Her brother - in - law had frozen her personal accounts , and now she was on the run because she wouldn 't do as she was " told . " She had been told to abort the baby . Harper hadn 't wanted the baby she had been forced to carry in the first place , but now that she 'd felt life , she would protect the child with hers . Grady McCade knew that his mate had been found when she touched the piece of jewelry . The dragon had told him that if he didn 't hurry to her side , she would be found by the dragon slayers and her life could be ended as well as the life of the babe that she carried . With Grady and Harper together , the dragon grows stronger , and the slayers pick up the pace in their quest for all the pieces of jewelry . Can the McCades stop them before they strike again ? Are any of them safe ? Find out in The McCade Dragon - Grady There were no words that he could say that would make this any different . Dalton watched as the casket , a beautiful bright wood , was lowered into the cold earth . His friend , mentor , and sounding board had died eight days ago . Howard Short simply went to sleep one night and didn 't wake . And it broke Dalton 's heart . " Dalton ? " He looked at Melinda , Howard 's wife , when she said his name . " Will you say a few words , please ? My brother - in - law just can 't . He 's devastated , as we all are . " " Yes , of course . " He stood up and made his way to the podium . So many people were here today , paying tribute to a wonderful man . Dalton thought of his friend and what he could say about him . Smiling , he thought of something that Howard would have gotten a kick out of . " Howard could be a jackass when he wanted . " Everyone laughed , just as he 'd hoped , even Melinda . He continued speaking about Howard as if he 'd just stepped out for a cold beer . " When we were on a stakeout or even out fishing , he 'd tell me of the time he was in the academy . Of course , I didn 't believe half the crap he told me . But this one story , I think , sums him up better than anything I could say about him . " Dalton looked at the casket , then at the people there . " He 'd been in the dorm for about two weeks , he 'd told me . It wasn 't going as well as he 'd hoped . I think he said that of the three classes he was in , he was flunking out of three of them . " Another round of laughter . " Back then , if you weren 't cutting it , Howard told me that they 'd come to see you , help you pack up your things , and send you on your way . He wasn 't ready to give up , he told me , and he didn 't think that they should be just yet either . " As he was debating on whether or not to open the door when his time came , he had an idea . Howard told me it wasn 't a good idea , but he 'd been down and was sure under other circumstances , he might not have done what he did next . He opened the door and told the men standing there that Howard Short had left . After he was finished , he stood still as the guns were drawn for the salute and fired . Dalton cried then , his pain of loss too much for him to hold in any longer . And when the service was over , he made his way to Melinda again and hugged her . She too had become a very important part of his life over the years . " You 'll come to visit me , won 't you ? " He told her he would . She was leaving today , to live with her son in another state . " He loved you so much , Dalton . Like his own son . " " I loved him as well . He 'll be sorely missed . " She nodded and left him there . Dalton could have gone to stand with his family , but decided that he was fine where he was . He watched as the dirt was filled into the hole much like the one in his heart . But his would never be filled . Going to the after reception at the newly remodeled homeless shelter , he didn 't speak to many people . There was food , he supposed , that he could have eaten , but like his heart , his belly wasn 't ready for anything right at the moment . Instead he just found a dark corner and sat in it until he felt it was a good time for him to go home . My lord . He wanted to sob . Dalton didn 't want to answer who he thought was talking to him . It could only mean one thing , and he didn 't want it . Not today , perhaps not ever . My lord , your mate is coming . " Tell her that I 've got a lot going on at the moment and I 'd prefer that she didn 't . " Caelin said nothing . " Where is she and what does she have ? " The hair combs , my lord . And I don 't think it 's possible for her not to come . She is on her way now . But I must tell you that she hasn 't put the jewelry to her flesh . I 'm not at all sure why just yet , but she is aware of me and is coming this way . He asked what the combs did for the wearer . She will have blood that will heal all that she touches , her heart will be stronger still than it was before . Her name is - " No , don 't tell me . I mean , I know that I 'll have to know sooner or later , but for now I 'd like to just not know . " Caelin You are without a job , sir ? He told him that he might well be . I don 't understand . I thought you enjoyed being a good cop . Whatever has … ? Is it the death of your captain ? " He was my sergeant , but yes , because of him passing away , I don 't think my heart will be in this anymore . I might … never mind . If she can support me , I think I might just make furniture in my garage until I turn up dead one morning . Or I 'll run off and never return . " Dalton realized then that she was out of work too . They were starting off great , he thought . Two unemployed people with a huge house , no car , and nothing to show for their hard work . When Vance sat down beside him , he asked him when he 'd gotten in . " Two days ago . I 've been working on some things . " Dalton nodded . " Rumor has it you 're the next big cheese around here . You gonna be sheriff now , Dalt ? " Vance had been the only person who called him that . It mattered little to him that Dalton had asked him not to call him Dalt … he had continued over the years . Dalton asked him where he 'd heard that rumor . " Because that 's all it is , is a rumor . I 'm not going to take the job . In fact , I was seriously thinking of quitting altogether . " Vance told him that he 'd not enjoy retirement any more than he would . " Caelin just told me that my mate is here in town . " " Really ? I 'm assuming that it 's the pretty little doctor at the B & B then ? " Dalton didn 't want to ask about her , but he found that he wanted to know . " Yes , she is pretty . Tall … not quite as tall as you , but close . Blonde hair that I assume is long . Dark eyes . I 've not seen them as yet close up , but I 'd say they were blue , like midnight blue . " " You know a great deal about my mate , Vance . What have you been doing , spying on her ? " He nodded . " Whatever for ? You think she 's some sort of murderer or something ? It wouldn 't surprise me . Not at this point . " " No , but she has baggage . " Dalton just stared at him . " Her job , where she worked before , they really have a hard - on whatever that might be . He did wonder if he could go work for him for a bit , just to figure out what he wanted to do with the rest of his life . " I guess I should just wait for her then . I mean , I don 't want to seem like that odd stalker guy . " Vance said he had no idea , but thought that was a smart move . He knew less about women than Dalton did , apparently . " Whatever you do , I 'm sure that it 'll be either wrong or not enough . I know nothing at all about women . " Dalton looked at his brother . He was clean but his pants were army issue , his shirt a dark tee , and his boots - ass kickers , he called them - had seen better days . Vance kept his hair military short and neat , and he seldom had a beard . Dalton asked him why he didn 't wear … well , regular people clothing . " I wear what I want , when I want . " Dalton laughed . " Look , whether you go and see her or not , you should know that she 's polite , generous with her time , and like you , she wears what she does right out there for everyone to see . " He asked him what that meant . " You are a cop , Dalt . Even a blind man could tell that . And they 'd not even have to see the badge . Same with her . She 's a doctor , a good one , and people know that when they first see her . " Dalton sat there long after Vance left , trying to figure out what to do . He could have , he supposed , just walked over to meet her , but he had a feeling that would have been a mistake . He was sure that he could talk to Kenton too , but decided that he 'd get enough grief from him without adding to it . Instead , he went to his truck and drove home . Dalton was going to enjoy the next few days he had off , and not worry about mates , dragons , or men looking for jewelry . ~ ~ ~ Gabe walked to the diner . She 'd come to love the little place , what with the strange way they served their meals and the nice people who worked in and frequented the place . As she made her way inside , she knew which seat to sit in , which to avoid . When she sat in the booth with the unforgiving spring , she moved to the windhopefully the house that she 'd been looking at was ready to be rented . Things were going quite nicely for a change , and she was as rested and as happy as she 'd ever been . " Oh lordy . " Gabe looked up when she heard the shout from the kitchen , then Milly saying " Oh lordy " over and over . Getting up , she ticked off all the things that could go wrong in a kitchen , and was afraid that Milly had been hurt badly . As soon as she entered , she put her fingers in her mouth and let go of a shrill but effective whistle to shut the few people in the room up . A dishwasher was wearing the nastiest apron she 'd ever seen and dark gloves on his hands . Milly was standing there wringing her hands . A man , who she assumed was the cook , was lying on the floor with a large knife sticking out of his belly , his hands covered in his own blood and his eyes wide with terror . Gabe let her mind take over on what to do . " Milly , call the police and have them send an ambulance . " She 'd learned the first day that there was no one manning the nine - one - one service just yet . " Then I want you to get everyone out of here while I fix this . " " The knife , it just slipped up . " Gabe nodded and told her she had it . " He 's surely gonna bleed to death , and Kenton , he won 't make it in time . " " I 'm a doctor as well . I 've got this . Just do what I told you . " She made her way to Cook . If he had a name , she 'd never heard it . " I 'm Gabe . If you 'll allow me , I 'll see if I can help you . " " I think I 'm a goner . The knife , it 's stainless steel but it 's in me . " She told him as long as she was there , he wasn 't a goner . " I wasn 't paying no attention is what I was doing . Thinking of my boy and what we was gonna do when he was a mite bigger . Now I won 't see him . " He was getting weaker ; the arm that was holding him up slipped out from under him and he fell back to the floor . Gabe got her first look at the wound . He 'd cut his belly to his intestine , the knife still inside of him . Turning to the person who 'd " Uncle Kenton is on his way . He said for you to do what you needed to do and he 'd assist when he gets here . " She wasn 't sure how that conversation had happened but said nothing to the young man . " I told him what I could . " " You can … . You 're not human . " He told her he was but Kenton wasn 't . " I see . Right now I have more important things to do than to figure out what he might be . This is what we need to do . Christ , there is never a vampire around when you need one . " The laughter made her smile . It was one thing to scare the kid to death over something like this , but making him see humor wouldn 't give him nightmares too . As she moved the towels around the blade , all she could think about was that he might be right … Cook might die . When Kenton showed up , his black bag in hand , he asked her what she needed . It both surprised and impressed her that he didn 't just come in and take over . For the next twenty minutes , he handed her what she wanted and helped her when necessary . The impromptu surgery room wasn 't the best , but it was going to be good enough to save this man 's life . The medics , a couple of young men who she assumed were friends of Kenton , stayed back until they were ready to transport him . It wasn 't long after Kenton showed up that they were able to say that they 'd done the best that they could for the man . The rest was going to be up to the surgeon . Gabe rode in the ambulance , Kenton beside her . The medic rode in front with the driver , so in the event that they needed to , they 'd have room to work . As they worked together , she and Kenton , Cook came around once to tell Kenton to watch over his son for him . " You 're going to make it , Gerald . " She nearly asked who that was when the cook nodded . " The good doctor here , she got you all put back together , and once we get you to the hospital , she 's going to remove that knife you got stuck in you and you 'll be as good as new . But you have to believe us , Gerald . You know as well as I do that if you give up on her , Sand " You 'll learn . Gerald is a wolf . There is a lot of pack around the area . Nearly seven hundred now . The people who own the B & B where you 're staying , they 're bears . Milly is human , but she 's married to a cat . " She asked him what his family was . " My brother is a cop . He 'll be meeting us at the hospital . He has to fill out a report for insurance purposes . Milly owns the place , and while she 'd never tell anyone this , she 's fallen on some hard times of late and can 't afford this hit to her bank account . " " She needs to fix up the place . Expand a little , and for the love of all that is holy , get some better seating . " Gabe didn 't point out that he 'd not answered her as to what he was . She figured that he either didn 't want her to know , or it was so bad that he didn 't want to share . " I 'm looking for a house . One that is ready to move into . I don 't want to have to fix something up . " " We have a few . We 're here . " Just as he said that , the ambulance made a hard stop . Had she not been holding on , she would have fallen out of the door when it opened . The man standing there in a police officer 's shirt and jeans did not look happy . " Dalton , this is my new partner , Gabriela Nola . Gabe , this is Dalton McCade . We 're dragons . " She was halfway out of the back of the ambulance when Kenton spoke . Gabe felt her breath swoosh out of her and her heart simply stop beating . She knew they were speaking , arguing really , but nothing was getting through . Not air , not sound , not even blood was running in her body . Then the pain , like someone had slapped her , registered a split second before the world around her just disappeared . Leave a reply Spencer Graham had been trying to get a hold of Jason Crosby for weeks , but he didn 't seem to answer emails , mail or the telephone . She had an idea that would make them a great deal of money , but she needed him to invest in her project before it was too late . So , barging into his home at 4 a . m . was the only solution as far as she was concerned . She didn 't , however , expect him to answer the door naked and proposition her as soon as she walked in the door . Spencer did the only thing that came natural to her , she knocked him on his ass … . Jason Crosby was nearly two thousand years old , and in all his days as a vampire , he 'd never seen anyone quite like her , not that he thought that was a good thing . He didn 't . She was his mate , and he was only going the tolerate her because he had to … . The woman in his arms was weak . Crosby wasn 't sure that she was going to make it , not the way she 'd been burned . As soon as he laid her on the soft earth , she opened her eyes and looked up at him . Crosby felt his heart skip several beats . My goodness , she sure was a pretty little thing . " The others ? " He told her that his sons were getting out as many as they could . " Thank you . The house , it just exploded into flames . We had no time to get out . " " We caught him . " She frowned but let her eyes flitter to a close . Asking her if she was all right enough for him to leave her for a moment , she nodded . Crosby went to the house to help his boys . They had no way of knowing how many faeries were in the house . A few of them had died , whether from smoke inhalation or fire . They pulled out as many as they could , dead or alive , and laid them on the ground . Soon there 'd be nothing left of the building , but he didn 't want to leave anyone behind if he could help it . The faeries , even the smaller ones , were worth any kind of pain they might get from the hot flames to save them . " They 're all out , so far as we can tell . We 've made an area over there for the dead . The ones that can be saved are being helped by the others . " Jason , his oldest , dropped to his knees . " I don 't think we missed anyone , but it 's burning too hot for us to go back in . I 'm sorry , Dad . " " We did the best we could , son . You have to believe that . That house , it went up fast . I 'm thinking that the man who did this , he knew what he was about . " He glanced over at the woman he 'd brought out . She was resting , which he was glad for . And her body seemed to be healing slowly . " I think she 'd be the one in charge . If she 's awake , ask her how many were in the place , please . " Jason stood up just as the rest of them were coming out of the falling down building . Just as the last of his boys came out , the entire thing fell down behind them . Grayson jumped back when his shirt caught on one of the embers . Luckily , Elliot was able well , it was over almost as soon as we got here . " She nodded . " I 'm sorry about your family , miss . There was no cause for this . " " You said that he 'd been caught . Is he … did you kill him ? " Crosby told her that he was dead , yes . " Thank you for that . Had he been able to get away , I fear that he would do more of the same to my kind . I wish to repay you . " " No , that won 't be necessary . I know what you are and what they were , but we 've no desire to take anything else from you . You have lost enough , my lady . " She nodded and Crosby introduced her to his sons . " This is Jason , my oldest . Then in order of birth to youngest , it 's Chase , Elliot , Grayson , Ryan , and the youngest is Sean . This is the Lady Kilian , the faerie queen . " He was proud of his boys , all of them men now but still his little boys . As they shook her hand he spoke of them , just little things that he was happy to share with her . How they 'd been taking lessons from the neighbor lady to learn how to sew and knit . Things that men should know how to do in the event of an emergency . How Sean could do some doctoring if necessary , even on a human . All notes of the pride that Crosby felt for his sons . When she turned to him , he could see that she had completely healed and was feeling like herself again . She looked at the dead and injured . " The man who did this , he was out to kill all of us . " Crosby said that was about right . " Had you not come here when you did , he would have succeeded . By killing me , without someone to take the place of the queen , all faeries would have perished . And you know as well as I , that would be the death of a great deal of magic . " " We only came to help out the people living here , miss . We would have done the same for anyone . " She smiled at him . " You 're very beautiful , my lady . I 'm glad that we could save you and the others . I 'm sorry that there wasn 't more time for us . We 'll help with the dead , should you wish . As I said , it won 't be any trouble at all . " " You have given the worldshould be after a simple thank you gift . Every inch he crawled toward them , it felt as if he was taken several feet back . Christ , he was going to die right there . " Dad ? " He nodded at Jason as he got to his knees too . " I 'm sick . I mean , I feel like I need to puke and my legs are weak . What did she do to us ? " " She said it was a gift . For saving her and the others . Doesn 't feel that way , but that 's what she told me . " Jason cursed as he stood up on his wobbly legs . " We have to get to shelter . Can you get the others going ? " " I 'm not hurt . " He looked at Sean , who was standing with his arms wide . He wanted to tell him to grab up one of the others and go , but he looked at him , with the sunlight streaming behind him , and didn 't see any blisters . His skin wasn 't peeling back . And he looked … . Well , he looked happy . " The sun isn 't hurting me . I bet it 's not going to hurt any of us . And it feels fantastic . " Crosby looked at his own hands . They were covered in soot but not from his own flesh . Wiping them on his pants , he noticed that he wasn 't blistered either . His skin was just like it was when he was indoors , hiding from the very thing that would end their lives . Looking at the sun , he felt the warmth of it on his face and none of the terror that usually came with being outside . He 'd not felt this good , this warm , for as long as he could remember . " She gave us the gift of sunlight . " Crosby nodded at Jason . " Do you think that it 's only for today ? I mean , if it is , then I want to stay out here all through it . I have never felt the sun before . " No , neither had he . Once , long ago , he 'd felt it for a fleeting moment when his wife had died . It had been in his heart to join her , but the boys had needed him . And the promise that he 'd made to her before her passing had made him go into hiding again . He missed Rena every day . He 'd lost his wife to man . Not a human , but just as bad . There were a few good humans - he wasn 't stupid enough to think that they 'd all come fromtold them no than he could have told himself . Being in the sunlight , while fleeting , was the most fun he 'd had in a very long time . Crosby loved his children . All six of them . They had kept him going these last decades without their mother . He was tired , however . Not just today and how special it had been for them all , but he was tired of living . They no longer needed him , they had proven that to him over and over . Tomorrow night , he decided , he 'd talk to them and tell him of his plans . It was well past time for him to join their beloved mother . Leave a reply Tisha Porter didn 't think she was going to make it . Convinced she would die from her injuries , she left a blow by blow account of what happened to her and who was responsible . The why of it was still a mystery . Thanks to Detective Harlan James , Tisha was on the mend , but she was ready to get out of her father 's house and back into a house of her own . She was anxious to see that recently renovated old Victorian home and buy if she liked it . She wasn 't counting on the stress being too much for her still too weak body . Zachery Douglas was hosting the open house in the old Victorian . They 'd had more than two hundred people tour the house so far which was far more than he expected . And when Tisha walked through the door , he knew what she was to him , and he 'd do anything he had to do to make her his . Spencer Graham had been trying to get a hold of Jason Crosby for weeks , but he didn 't seem to answer emails , mail or the telephone . She had an idea that would make them a great deal of money , but she needed him to invest in her project before it was too late . So , barging into his home at 4 a . m . was the only solution as far as she was concerned . She didn 't , however , expect him to answer the door naked and proposition her as soon as she walked in the door . Spencer did the only thing that came natural to her , she knocked him on his ass … . Jason Crosby was nearly two thousand years old , and in all his days as a vampire , he 'd never seen anyone quite like her , not that he thought that was a good thing . He didn 't . She was his mate , and he was only going the tolerate her because he had to … . The building and surrounding area looked like a crater . The swing set , which may have held eight on it , was a twisted mess that hung from one of the blackened trees about a mile away . The slide was still sitting in its original place , yet barely resembled its former self . The only reason Harlan knew what it was is because he 'd seen his own kids on it . He looked over when someone said his name . " Four dead . We think . It 's going to be a little while before we can sort this mess out . If there were cars in the lot , I 'm not sure how long it will take before we can figure out not just the owners , but if they might have been here last night . Christ , this is a mess . " Harlan asked him if they 'd been able to get a list of teachers yet . " We 're still working on that . I have been able to canvas the damage surrounding this land . There has been one death that is apparently related to this explosion , but we won 't know for sure until all reports are in . Had this been in the city , Harlan , you know this would have been a hell of a lot worse . " " Yes . There are reports of windows blasted out eight miles from here . And I heard that one of the deaths was a man who had been on the street in front at the impact time and was killed by the blast . Is that the one that you 're talking about ? " Richard nodded . " As you know , had this happened only about ten hours later , there would have been children here , and a lot more bodies . " " We have narrowed down the center , we 're pretty sure . The city planner brought by the blueprints like you asked for , and he 's looking things over and thinks he knows where the epicenter is . Second grade room , as near we can tell . " Harlan wasn 't able to go to the area just yet ; the fire department was going over some of the wreckage to make sure that the fires were out . The bomb squad had left about half an hour ago . " The three bodies that we 've recovered here so far are two men from the janitorial service and a woman . No ID yet on the latter . We think it might have been the prin " Whoever this person was , they wanted this building gone , and didn 't care who was inside of it . It had a switch on location , meaning that it was set off by a simple movement or a lid being removed , so it mattered little to them when this thing went off . I would say that it more than likely was triggered by opening whatever it came here in , which I 'm thinking cardboard at this point . The others all depended on the main larger bomb , causing enough power to set them off as well . They were on a tumbler - like set off . Once they were moved , hard , they would blow . " Harlan asked him how long something like this would take to set up . " Hours . Maybe a few days . The person would have had to have access to the building , and no one to question what they were doing here . A good sense of the size , layout , as well as how much explosive material to use to get this sort of devastation . " " So whoever it was , they were known to those that work here , you 're thinking . I mean , the staff here , they didn 't have any issues with this person being in and out of here , so they could have pretty much done this without anyone having any clue . " Richard nodded . " This is some sick shit , you know that , right ? In another few hours , there would have been over four hundred people in this building , mostly kids . And then nearly seventy teachers and other staff . " " Don 't forget buses of kids that were being held to drop off at the higher grades , parents here dropping off little Jimmy for his first day , and any of the other hundreds of people that might have been passing by when this went off . " Harlan moved through the debris and other mangled things while they talked . " I heard that you 're having trouble locating two of the teachers . You think they might have been here too ? " " I hope to Christ not . Also , we did hear from the cleaning service . There were not three here , but six , to get the building ready for the first day . So far we 've had no luck at all trying to figure out if they showed up for work or not . The teacherssaw that the glass nearest the handle had been broken inward . Calling in backup , he was told to wait . It was then that he saw the blood . " I can 't wait . I can see that someone is hurt . Going in . " Instead of letting the dispatcher tell him to wait again , he muted his phone . He could be fired for it if this turned out to be nothing , but right now , he just didn 't care . As he made his way into the house , he noted in an abstract sort of way that it was neat . Not in a cleaned up sort of way - though it was that too - but more like this person did not care for clutter or fluff . Straight lines and hard surfaces were on everything , including the cushions on the chairs in the kitchen . It was also expensive , like this person spent all their money on their things , as they had no children or pets to muss it . Making his way to the living room , he could see the difference immediately . This was a room that was used ; comfort nearly screamed at him . The noise to his left gave him pause . He wasn 't in a good place in the house … the hallway he was in was not only open at both ends with rooms coming out from each side , but there were two doors that were opened in front of him , one on the right , the other on the left . But when he heard it again , he moved forward . " This is the Nevada Police . I 'm armed and have backup . " He heard the sirens getting closer and peeked quickly into the room to his right . Nothing . " Ms . Porter ? Can you hear me ? " " Yes . " He thought he heard her answer him but wasn 't sure . " I 'm dying . I 'm alone . " Relief was short lived when she cried out . " She hurt me . " Entering the room at the end , the doorway that spilled into the hall , he nearly backed away . The woman lying in a pool of blood looked as if she was indeed dying . Her body was not only covered in a great many of what looked like knife wounds , but she was beaten up as well . Moving closer , keeping his gun out , Harlan called for an ambulance . " I 'm Harlan James . Are you Tisha Porter ? " She nodded , then passed out . He could sthirty this morning , Alex had left . The facts in - between those times , he knew , would haunt him for years to come . By the time the ambulance arrived , he 'd called in a report on what he 'd found . Then he told his boss what she 'd written down about the other teacher , as well as having someone sent to her house to find the woman . Alexandra Grace was going to have a lot of explaining to do . ~ ~ ~ Randall moved through the hospital trying to figure out where he was to go . The nurse at the front desk had told him twice how to get to the operating area , but he was hurting in his heart so badly he only half remembered . When he saw two police officers , he made his way to them . " I 'm looking for my daughter , Tisha Porter . " The officer nodded at him and then took him to a man dressed in a dark suit . " My daughter , someone said that she was hurt . Tisha Porter is her name . She 's a teacher . Second grade . They all just love her . " " I 'm Harlan James , Mr . Porter . I came in with her . " Randall felt his knees simply give out on him . If Harlan hadn 't been there to catch him , he was sure he would have fallen . " Come on over here , Mr . Porter . We 'll talk while we wait . " " She loves teaching those children . I saw in the news that the entire building was blown up . I never got much from the man who called me . " Harlan said it had been him . " Was she in the building ? " " No . We found her at her home . That 's where we 're thinking she was hurt . Someone broke in . " Randall tried to think of why someone would harm his little girl . " She was beaten , and cut up pretty badly . The doctors here are doing all that they can to save her . You have a very smart and brave daughter , Mr . Porter . She 's helped us a great deal in this . " " That 's my baby . Always knew she was the best . I spoke to her just last night … I think it was the night before . It 's hard to think so much time has … . I had just called her to tell her to have fun with her first day . I teased her about her room being … . " He paused , trying to reme " She 's all I have in the world . Since her mother died , Tisha has become my whole world . I just saw her last weekend , and she was telling me how she 'd gotten all these nice learning tools from a shop online . And now this . " Harlan told him they were doing their best . " If you need anything , a kick in the ass to the mayor , you let me know . I 'll pull some strings and get you more manpower if you need it . You just let me know . I 'll get it for you . " " I think we have it for now , but I 'll keep that in mind . We 're working round the clock now , so I hope to have answers in a few days , if not sooner . " Randall nodded and Harlan stood up . " I 'm going to have someone at her room until we find this other person . And if you 'd be so kind , I 'd like for you to have a guard as well . Right now we don 't know the reason that any of this happened . So to be on the safe side , I 'd like to protect you as well . " " I have my own bodyguards . " Randall nodded to the hall where they were and the three men standing there . " Nothing will get past these men unless I tell them or they 're dead . If it will free up some of your men , I can assign them to her room as well . To be honest , sir , they 'll be there anyway . If you 'll agree to it , then nobody will get their underwear all tightened up by them being there too . " " I 'll let you know . " Randall nodded then was left alone . Making his way down the hall , he told Burt , his right hand man , what was going on as he sat in one of the most uncomfortable chairs he 'd ever been in . He also told Burt to set up some people on the inside for her safety . " You have it , sir . And may I suggest that we bring in that buddy of yours ? The retired agent ? He could be a little more help even from the sidelines . " Randall nodded . " Very good , sir . Have they told you how she 's doing ? I mean , more than you were told on the phone ? " " No . I 'd very much like it if you can run a check on any doctors and nurses she has contact with . And there is a person of interest that tto help himself , he tried to calm his nerves and heart . All he could think about was his daughter . Tisha had been born later in his life , he 'd been nearing forty and his wife just shy of that . Had anyone asked , he would have said they were happy being childless . They had money , a great deal of it , and traveled , and pretty much did anything that they wanted . Then Rachel had gotten pregnant and Tisha had come along . Randall was pretty sure until that moment he 'd not lived at all . Hadn 't taken a good breath of air , nor had his heart beat so well until he looked into the most beautiful pair of blue eyes he 'd ever seen . His baby girl , Tisha Randall Porter . She 'd been the best baby , and an even better child . No temper tantrums were ever thrown , nor did she give them a hard time about things . Of course , he 'd made sure that she had everything that she wanted … even if she only gave something a passing glance , he 'd get it for her . Until the day she turned seven . " I want to get a job . " He only nodded at her , indulging her even though he knew she 'd never have to work a day in her life , if he could help it . " My friend , Emma , has a job . And her grandma pays her for doing the dishes too . Not the pots and pans , but her pretty dishes she serves tea on . " " Tisha , I can give you money if that 's what you want . I have no problem with it . " She told him no , she wanted to earn her keep . " Honey , you don 't have to earn anything . We 're very wealthy . " " So are Emma 's mommy and daddy . And she has her own pocket money that she can do whatever she wants with and not have to ask . Why last month , she took me to get an ice cream soda , and no one knew about it but just the two of us . " Randall wondered just how much this other little girl was teaching his daughter . " I want to do this , Dad . You want me to be smart like you ? And know the value of money ? " " I do . And I 'm pretty sure that you have a good handle on the value of money . " Then she gave him that look . It wasn 't a pouty one , like most litAnother note to his list of things she 'd found out for him . As they went over her books , he was astonished not only at much she had learned by talking to the staff , but how much she 'd managed to save up as well . One hundred dollars just by doing odd jobs for those that worked for them . " All right , let 's see how you spent your cash , shall we ? " Randall had already had it in his head to get her a real ledger , as well as some colored pencils . It was the way that he 'd been keeping track of his earnings for years . Not only did he love seeing the numbers all lined up in neat rows , but when he had gotten a computer and it did the adding for him , he still found himself using his old tried and true method . " I 've put a computer on layaway . I had to have Molly help me with that . They 'd not sell me one at my age . I think it 's ridiculous that there has to be an age limit on learning , but now that it 's there , I pay on it every week and she takes it to the store for me . " Randall told her he 'd purchase it for her . " No , Dad . I 'm doing this on my own . " After an hour of going over everything , he 'd needed to find a quiet place to think . She had not just opened his eyes to his staff , but to the fact that she was not a baby any more . Randall would only admit this to himself , but he 'd had a good cry over that fact , and still got teary when he thought of it . " Mr . Porter ? " Dragging himself from his thoughts , he stared at the man in front of him for several seconds before he could think where he was . " Mr . Porter ? I 'm Doctor Fitzpatrick . I 've spoken to the police just now , and they told me that I could bring you up to date on your daughter 's surgery . " Randall sat up straighter in the chair and waited for the news . " She 's in grave condition , I 'm afraid , but I have hope that she 'll pull out of this . Tisha is young and in very good health . While she 's lost a great amount of blood and has had some pretty extensive wounds to her body , I think she stands a good chance of coming out of thin later and replace bone with metal in her hand , but for now , we have her in a hard cast to prevent her from doing more damage . " " Any internal injuries ? " The doctor nodded , then looked at him when Burt asked . " Was there brain damage ? What ? " " There is no way to soften the way I tell you this . Her abdomen was crushed , pelvis broken , and the fallopian tube on the right side was destroyed . Her womb was injured as well , to the point where it had to be removed or risk infection . As for her brain , we don 't yet know what sort of damage is there . After she wakes , if she does , we 'll be able to better determine where to go after that . " Randall felt his body just go limp . The words ' if she does ' were too much . His mind simply said this is too much , and he embraced the darkness where his little girl was safe in his dreams . Leave a reply Emma Hudson wanted to get this over with . Her father had left her in a jam , and the sooner she dropped off his duplicate trucker log books to the Harrisons , the sooner she could get back to work and try to clear her name . Trucking was all she knew , and she was tired of it . Liam Harrison watched the pretty little thing climb into her truck to get the books , but when she slipped and fell back into his arms with a life - threatening cut on her arm , he knew two things : she was his mate , and she would die if he didn 't convert her right now . And when a string of rest stop murders brings an old vampire friend back into the family 's fold , he informs them Emma was next . It was time to park the truck . They all knew that Emma 's father would come sniffing around to try to swindle her out of more money , it was just a matter of time . But how far would he go to get what he wanted ? Riordan Harrison can 't believe it . Everyone is pissed at him and he doesn 't see what the fuss is all about . All he did was tell the woman that she was his mate . He couldn 't help it that his tiger caused him to pin the woman to the counter and she proceeded to throw him to the ground and cover him with sticky pastries . Now , no one will talk to him , including his secretary . He hasn 't claimed the woman yet , and it is all seeming like it 's more trouble than it 's worth . Storm Browning , Stormy to her friends , is a wounded war hero . She 's done her duty and just wants to live a quiet life ― run her little bakery without any hitches . The majority of the men she commanded in the war had been shifters so she wasn 't surprised when the big oaf sniffed her out claiming that she was his mate . But that doesn 't mean she has to agree with it . What else could she do ? He had to go . He 'd hightail it and run anyway when he saw her scars ― they all did . She couldn 't emotionally handle that , not again at any rate . But if Riordan is going to get back on everyone 's good side , he 'll have to make peace with the woman . Even though he thinks he 's innocent , he 'll go for a visit and maybe apologize , but after he gets there things go from bad to worse . Stormy is targeted for assassination and he 's in the line of fire … . Cormac Harrison , Mac to his family and friends , has a good thing going . He has a brand new home , a successful business , and is truly happy with the direction his life is heading . Andi Collins can 't seem to catch a break . The last time she 'd encountered her father , she 'd ended up in the hospital . Now , Stormy Harrison , is giving her a break and helping her get back on her feet . So when this big handsome man tells her that she 's his mate she 's scared to death . Mate . She 'd heard the term before . And what it meant . She would belong to him . Not just him , but whoever he wanted to sell her to . Andi reached for the door handle , thinking that rolling from a moving car would be better than being passed around like a napkin at a banquet hall . " Don 't do that . " He reached for her hand just as she touched the handle . " Please , just listen to me and I 'll explain . " " I don 't need you to explain . I know what mate means . My friends at school , they told me what happens when you become a mate to men . And what they didn 't tell me , my father and aunt explained the rest . Mates use you , and then when they 've had enough , they pass you around to all the other men they know . I won 't have it . " The car suddenly stopped . Her seatbelt cut into her neck , and she nearly hit her head on the dash it stopped so abruptly . Nikki Neal was damn good at her job . As an undercover cop , she had just about enough information to put the local crime boss away , but she needed more to make it stick . But when someone blew her cover , Nikki found herself on the wrong end of several guns . Aedan Harrison was on the fast track to winning the Governor 's seat for the state of Ohio . He had his whole life , or at least his immediate future , planned out . What he didn 't need was a mate he hadn 't made plans for throwing a monkey wrench into the mix . The last thing Nikki needed was an overbearing jackass ordering her about , and telling her how much he didn 't need her in his life right now . Well , she didn 't need him either . She had work to do and needed to get herself and her grandda to safety . It didn 't take long for Aedan 's family to convince him in the error of his ways , and when he saw what he 'd done he felt like an ass . All he wanted to do was make it right , but could he grovel enough for her to accept him ? Brooke Rickson had been working the pottery wheel and pulling clay with her great - grandfather almost as long as she could remember . Her work was famous even though no one really knew who she was . She preferred it that way and had become a recluse since her great - grandfather died . He had left her everything . Mac Harrison loved rare pottery , and when he landed two tickets to the big art show he was thrilled . He could get his prized Rickson pottery piece appraised and get to see new work at the same time . He brought his brother , Darcy , along for the ride . When Darcy caught Brooke 's scent , he knew he 'd found his mate . Unfortunately , the beautiful recluse made no bones about telling him that she was alone and liked it that way , and that no man was barging in and taking over her orderly life . She was living her life just the way she wanted it and that didn 't include taking orders from a man - any man . He could get that thought right out of his head … . Liam loved the house . He walked through it once more , just to be sure that he wasn 't feeling something that wasn 't there . Nope , he thought to himself , he loved this place . Trying hard not to show how much he did , he walked around the big empty living room once more to calm himself and his inner cat . There wasn 't any point in giving away his happiness before making an offer . " This room alone is nearly as big as the house that I live in . " The realtor smiled at him . " What do you think , Mr . Harrison … is this a place you can put down roots ? " " I 'm not sure . " He thought that he sounded like he was bored and had to take a deep breath before continuing . " The kitchen needs to be redone . I mean , from the studs . There are going to be issues with the furnace and with the air conditioning as well before too much longer . Also , I think I saw rat droppings in the garage . " Which he knew wouldn 't be a problem once he moved in . He 'd bet by now , there wasn 't one within ten miles of the place . Him being a tiger tended to take care of that sort of thing . He asked her what the selling price was again , knowing full well what it was . " The house hasn 't been lived in for about four months … I believe that 's the time frame . And before that , I do believe that they had the place exterminated . If you 're seeing droppings , I 'm not sure where they came from . But the bank is very motivated to sell . They 're asking four hundred , but I think I can get them to go a little lower , but not too much . I do know that the house needs work . Like I said , it 's been empty for a few months while things were settled . " Liam nodded . He knew just exactly why it had been sitting , and that it had been a good deal longer than a few months . " I can go in at a lower price , but I believe they have multiple offers so I 'd not expect too much . " " All right then . Thank you for your time . " She took his hand when it was offered and Liam made his way to the door . " Wait . I don 't understand . Did you want me to make an offer ? Are you done with the house ? He told Storm that he was . Good . I think you should stop by our house . There is a large vehicle , and that 's an understatement , in the drive , and the person in it is asking for you . Not nicely , I might add . Hudson is her name . Why is she … ? You know what , I don 't care . She 's the woman that I was telling you about on the deal with Whites . She said she had some information on her father maybe picking up the loads that they 're missing . Any luck finding Mr . Hudson , by the way ? Storm told him she was still looking . He really fucked her over . Not the only one either , from what I 've been able to find out . But he did royally fuck her over with her job . She had a good rep , as you said , and he 's really taken her for a ride . Lost her house , car , as well as her savings trying to keep herself out of jail . I 'd like to find this fucker myself . Liam said that he would as well . She 's currently at her truck , walking around it . I don 't know why , but I kind of think that she 's had enough of the open road for a while . She looks beaten . Liam made a left to go to his brother 's home , and smiled when he thought of the temper of the woman , Hudson . When he 'd spoken to her last night - well , earlier that morning - he 'd been sleep confused , but hearing her voice and what she had to say had him getting up and going back to his computer . He was going to find her father if he had to do it on his own . The rig was parked in the long drive to his brother 's house . The woman was circling the back end , the place where the big trailer was attached . He watched her for several minutes as she moved around it like a little monkey , checking the lines and lights as she went . When she jumped down , she stared at him as he did her . Christ , she was beautiful . " Liam ? " He nodded at her question . " I was close enough to bring them to you , and I 'm not so trusting of the postal service on something like this . I need them back , so you know . I might need them should Daddy dearest come back for some more o " You 're cut deep . I have to heal you . " He heard Riordan caution him , but he was losing her and had to do something . As soon as she fainted , he shifted . The roaring in his head was making him sick . They were losing their mate and neither of them were happy about it . His cat whimpered but knew what to do . As soon as he licked the wound closed , tasting her blood as he did so , he seemed to realize at the same moment that she was too weak , that they 'd waited too long . Growling at the couple that were too close to them , his cat bit deeply into her belly , tearing it open as he did so . " Hurry , Liam . You 're going to lose her if you don 't . " He knew that and snarled at Storm , and she laughed . " Just trying to help . I 'm assuming that she 's your mate . " Yes . And I don 't want to hear you making fun of me just yet . He was pissy and wasn 't sure why , but he bit into her leg . Holding his mouth deep in the wound , he looked up at his brother . Riordan was afraid for him , and Liam didn 't feel any better about this . I have a feeling she 's not going to be thrilled when she wakes and finds out what I 've done . " More than likely not . But it was that or she was dead . I can hear her heart picking up , can you ? " He told him that he could . " Just a few more minutes now and you should be able to release her . I 'll take her inside and put her in the bedroom that you use when here . " Thank you . Riordan nodded and called to someone on the porch to bring out some blankets . Riordan , she 's got some pretty horrific memories in here . Mostly about her father . He took her for everything . And left her with living in this truck . " I know . I read the report Stormy found . When you release her , go in the house and shower and change . Once you are settled , I 'll bring you what we 've been able to find out . Also , Marcy Cochran called about the house . She wants you to make a reasonable offer . " Liam let the young woman go , but he wasn 't ready to leave her yet . Her heartrate had picked up and he could see the wound at " The courts went by the books on this . There is no fault according to them . She had to sell her house as well as her car , which wasn 't a new one but all she had , when the trucking dealership wanted all their money . The truck is still missing , it appears . " He asked if her father had it . " I 'm thinking not . I don 't know why , but I think he sold it for the money , and someone else is driving it that knows about trackers and such . Might be wrong , but I think that 's it . We have the LoJack information , and since we can 't find it that way , we 've come to the conclusion that it 's been taken out . Also , you know it is against the law . " If she thought that , then it was more than likely true . " I told Ennis not to worry about rushing now . I told him what happened , but not that she is my mate . " " He knows . So do your parents . " He asked her how that had happened . " Riordan was covered in blood when they showed up , Hudson 's blood , and your mom sort of freaked out . He had to tell them . " " I guess . I 'm trying to figure out what to tell her when she wakes up . " The woman on the bed stirred and he watched , sure that she was going to wake a great deal sooner than anyone would have expected . " I have to help her out . Of all of this . " " Liam , can I ask you a personal question ? " He just looked at her . " Okay , some of it I know . Like where you have some of your money invested . How much the books say you 're worth . But what is it you do ? I mean , I know you work for the family business when they need you , but that can 't be all that you do , is it ? " " I 'm a businessman . " She snorted at him . " Okay , I 'm a very good businessman . I invest low and sell high . For everything . I 'm good at bargaining on things as well . Like the house . I 'm going to get it , but not at the asking price . Then , if Emma doesn 't care for it , I 'll sell it for a great deal more than I purchased it for . " " Why would me liking your house have anything to do with whether or not you sell it ? " He grinned and saidmakes you have to save me . " He said that he would have anyway . " No , you wouldn 't have . Don 't lie to me . " " I can 't . " She nodded and sat up , but he could see that she was slightly dizzy . " You lost a great deal of blood , so you might want to take it easy for a few hours . You should try and drink a lot and have a light - " " Don 't order me around . " He leaned back in the chair and looked at her . " I 'm not … . I know you really didn 't , but I 'm starting to freak a little here . I 'm a fucking tiger . " ~ ~ ~ Hudson laid on the bed thinking about her life and what had just happened . " I don 't know what I 'm supposed to do . " " Me either . " She turned to her back and looked at him . " I 'm not going to apologize for converting you . I could , I guess , but you 're alive , and that 's the most important thing right now . I don 't know anything about you other than what I 've read in the information that Storm got for us when you called me . And you know even less than that about me . What would you like to know ? If anything . " " What was your name again ? " He told her . " All right , Liam . I 'm Emma Hudson , but I rarely go by my first name . I have no idea why , but that 's what they started calling me in middle school and that stuck . I drive cross country . Not as much as I used to , but sometimes I need the money more than I do anything . I had a home , but I had to sell it to pay for the rig that my father stole . Which he did , no matter what the courts say . " " Storm , my sister - in - law - and so you know , you met her when you came here - she doesn 't think he has it anymore . " She nodded , thinking that Storm had some good connections . " Your load you have now , you mentioned that it was a back run . Does that have to go out today ? " " Not today , but soon . I have to have it about six hours from here by noon tomorrow . " He leaned back in his chair . " What about me being a cat ? I mean , I can sort of feel something inside of me . What does that mean ? " " She 's letting you know that s " Yes . We feel that way as well . I 'd very much like it if you were to go with me to the house that I 'm thinking of buying . If it doesn 't suit you , then that 's fine as well . I have a place that I live in , it 's an apartment , if you 'll come stay with me for a time . " He cursed and she laughed . " There 's this big deal of a wedding next weekend . My brother Aedan is getting married . They 've been living together for a little while , but this wedding is going to be epic , I guess . " " Why ? " He told her how he was the governor of the state and that he was looking into becoming the president someday . " Wow . Your family , they have big plans . " " They do . We all do . " She nodded . " What is bothering you , Emma ? Is it something that I can fix ? Or do for you ? " " I 'm assuming that you all have money . " He nodded but didn 't say how much , which she thought was a good thing . " My father will get wind of this . Not that I 'm a cat , but that I 'm with someone with money , and he 'll come sniffing around . He 's not stupid , but he can play a person and get what he wants . No matter the cost to them . " " He can do that if he wants . But he won 't get away with it this time . I can promise you that . Nor will he hurt you , mentally , physically , or financially . " Hudson wasn 't sure , but she was almost afraid for her dad . " Will you take my hand ? Please ? " " What will that mean for us ? " He said that it would only be him taking her to the kitchen for food for now . " I feel something for you . I 'm not sure what it is , but I trust you . I want to be with you . Is that the cat in me ? " " Yes , for now anyway . I hope that later , you as a woman will feel something for me as well . We mate for life , and quickly . " She still wasn 't sure about this , none of it . " I want to take this slowly . I think it would benefit us both if we started out fresh , like we 're dating . I know that we 've gone beyond that , with me converting you and having this connection , but even my cat is okay with us doing it this wThere was a thick roast beef sandwich on a wonderfully fresh roll with lettuce , tomatoes , pickles , and onions . A bowl of french fries covered in a tomato sauce that was spicy as well as sweet . A large glass of the best tea that she 'd ever drank . She was just finishing off the last fry when June , the cook , asked her if she wanted peach or cherry pie . Hudson nodded . " Well , good for you . I have ice cream too should you want that . I 've not been to the creamery yet , so it won 't be homemade . " Hudson told her that she loved her . " Thank you , child . I 'm so glad to be cooking for the household again . The mister and missus have been away more than at home of late , and I 've missed it . " " You can cook for me whenever I 'm home . " Her face heated up . " I 'm sorry . I don 't know where I 'm going to be living or what the plan is . But this is the best meal I 've had in ages . And fresh pie too ? Well , I could easily kiss you for it . " After she ate both pieces of pie without the ice cream - she didn 't want to seem too piggish - her and Liam went to her truck . It was locked up , but as soon as she opened the door , she could see that someone had cleaned up after her . She asked Liam about it . " I had a friend of mine come over and fix the bent metal . He also put a new handle on for you . Then his wife - she 's the new alpha bitch for the wolf pack that roams our land - she cleaned up the rest for you . I think she was quite impressed with how much storage you have in there . " She told Liam it was necessary when she was gone . " I don 't imagine that it helped that you lost your house . " " He took me for a great many things . But my house was the most painful . " Climbing into the truck , she watched him walk around to the other side and get in . He commented on how roomy it was . " Yes . My dad complained a great deal about how crowded it was for him . And you 're much bigger . But he would have complained about it even if it had his recliner and a big screen television in front of him . " She showed him aroThis entry was posted in amazon , Amazon B & N I Tunes , book , Books , Dark Fantasy , erotica , Giveaway , Release Day , Romance , Tigers on May 15 , 2017 by Kathi Barton . Cooper : The Manning Dragons Release Day & Giveaway Leave a reply Cooper Manning and his five brothers were true dragons . Centuries ago , when the humans had turned on their kind , their father sacrificed himself to save his sons by casting a powerful spell which allowed them to walk among the humans . Even centuries later , Cooper couldn 't seem to let go of the past and despised most humans . Carson Langley was exhausted . After being forced to work thirty - six hours straight , she unwittingly complained to the new plant owner , now she knew she was fired . There was nothing left to do but go home and cry about it later . Cooper was sent by his brother to retrieve the helpful woman and bring her back to the plant , and he wasn 't happy about it either . It didn 't help that when she answered the door she shared his sour mood , and when he touched her hand , the magic that surged between them meant only one thing - she was his other half , and she was human … . Cooper was seeing red . Mature Audience Only ! Explicit sex scenes and language . Domlen Draglen does not follow any rules except his own . He does not want to be like his brothers , but his need to find the lady his mother predicts to be his mate has become his focus . He wants to find her and prove his mother wrong so he can go back to his normal life . The only problem is the mouthy , curvy she - wolf interests him , but she 's not his type or is she ? Tempest Shellin wants to prove that she can be essential to her pack . When the drop dead sexy dragon shows up for her , she didn 't know if she should laugh or cry . To save her pack she agrees to his rules , but soon finds out Domlen doesn 't play fair . Will this Domineering dragon and mouthy she - wolf find love or will they allow traditions to keep the apart . " I 'm afraid there is no hope for us . " No one made a sound as their leader continued . " Since the humans found out about us and what we can do , we have been doomed . I 'm so terribly sorry . " Coop looked around the room . There were so few of them now that he could easily count them . When he 'd been younger , thousands of years ago , there wouldn 't have been enough space for all of them to share this room . Now they were down to a quarter of them sharing the space because so many , his own wife included , had been murdered so needlessly . Coop was saddened by it all . Turning to leave the large cave , he was stopped by his brother , Xavier . " The boys , they are well ? " He nodded and smiled . Coop felt it all the way to his heart , a place that had been dead for so long , it seemed . " You have the spell ? You are going to use it on them ? I so wish I had thought of this before my own family was taken from me , Coop . You are a brave man and a good father . " " Thank you . And I shall use it tonight . It is the only way to save them . " Xavier nodded , his own heart heavy with the losses they 'd suffered . " You know that I would have shared should I have had it sooner . I 'm so sorry , brother . All of my heart , it 's sorry for you . " " I know that . I do . But they 're all gone now . My other half , my children . Killed for things that are not fair to our kind . " Coop knew that all too well . " Aria was a good woman , Coop . A good woman and mother to your sons . She will be missed forever . " " Aye , in my heart and those of my sons . " Xavier stood there for several seconds and Coop told him he must go . " They 're awaiting word on what is to happen with us all . " " One more thing , if you please . It won 't take but a second . I have left them all that I have . It is where you keep them hidden away , the boys . Deep within the cave , it 's all there . " Coop asked him what he meant . " I cannot go on , brother . I cannot . There is too much grief in my heart for me to live . I have left my things for your children there . TheyWhen his eldest son came to him , his eyes full of fear , Coop knew that it was well past time that he did what he 'd been practicing . The magic that would keep them safe . Gathering his sons , six of them in varying shades of blues and greens , he asked them to have a seat , that he had a story to tell them . It wasn 't a story , not truly , but a tale that would hopefully keep them safe . " A witch told me once of a great magic that only few can do . It takes a loving heart and a strong dragon to make it work . I have asked her and she has told me how to make it so . This magic , it will keep you all safe from the humans . " They nodded , each of them knowing that it was a human blade that had taken the life of their dear mother . " I will perform this upon you , each of you at the same time , and give you some magic that you will use when you need it . This magic , strong and powerful , will let you roam with the humans , and they 'll not know that your true self is just below your flesh . " " You mean we 'll be humans as well ? " He nodded , then shook his head at Cooper , his oldest . " I don 't understand , Father . Will you explain ? " " Yes . The magic that I will give you will let you change into your true self when you are alone . But when you are out in the world , you will need to be a human . A man . " Cooper looked at his brothers , then back at him as he continued . " With this magic , I will also give you a gift . Something that you will need to keep yourself safe should they find out . A stronger armor than any other dragon before you , as well as the same immortality that you have now , as man or dragon . " Hudson stared at him for long moments . He was the thinker , and if he could think of a reason for this not to work , he would voice it loudly . He was much like his mother in that . She would be the first to say when she did or did not like something . And the first to say that the plan was perfect . He only hoped that she would have approved of this . " I think you are very smart , Father . To try and keep us safe . But I can " I am already , Cooper . Forever . " The others nodded too . They were ready for this , as much as he was dreading it . Because once he started the process to change his sons into men , then he would begin to die . It would take all that he was to change them . Standing up , spreading his wings out behind him , Coop told them about the things that their uncle had left them . They knew where the family jewels were , the things that their mother had left them as well . Once they were standing , their bodies strong and healthy , he felt his heart swell and break for what he was about to do . " I , Cooper Manning , of the Manning Dragons of the earth , give to my sons , Cooper , Hudson , Lincoln , Lucas , Tristan , and Xavier , all that I am . Each of you will take a part of the earth with you when you are converted . The part of you that is unique in all ways will be strengthened and enhanced . You will be immortal , forever , and those that you take to your heart will be as well . " His sons bowed before him when he told them to . He said the words over them that would change them to men . Coop could feel his body shutting down , his heart beating a little less . But he had one more thing he wished to bless them with , and held himself upright to give it from his own dying heart . " One day , true love will come to you . And you will have more than you 've ever known . It will fill you in ways that you cannot ever imagine . Love will be yours for all times . For only then will you become a true dragon , a Manning dragon . " ~ ~ ~ Cooper sat with his brothers while their father lay dying . Coop 's heart was weak from what he 'd done , and it was tearing him apart . Father was weak , yes , but he continued to tell them tales of their mother , of their adventures when they were only small dragons . They were going to be alone soon … their father was so close to joining their mother that it hurt Cooper in ways that he hadn 't expected . " What shall we do with his body ? " Cooper looked at Tristan and asked him what he meant . " He will not be able to lie here . " We will survive if we stay here . " Cooper told Xavier that they 'd have to leave here eventually . " To feed and to fly , yes . But perhaps we could do that only at night . To keep to the skies and not let them see us . " " They know we are about and will have spies out looking for our lairs . We will have to kill any man that comes for us , and still we will not be safe . We are , after all , dragons that have a great deal of magic . " Coop stopped breathing . Cooper didn 't hear his father 's heart , and knew that it was at an end . He was quiet for a bit longer , waiting , hoping for just one more beat , one more sound that would mean he was still alive . But there was nothing . Their father was dead . Sitting up , he told his brothers that Coop had passed from this world into the next . None of them had ever seen a dragon die before . Their mother had been dead when they found her . Each dragon that they 'd come upon when they were out had been dead long before they found them , their bodies stripped of every part of them so that they resembled less of a dragon and more like a pile of bones that had been cut up . Dragon 's scales were used for roofs for humans ' homes , and for shields . The very meat of them was roasted and stored away so that it could be used for medicines and potions . Their hearts were cut up and dried , then ground into a powder for the humans to use to keep them from sickness , as well as magic to have a grand garden and trees heavy with fruit . The only part that would be left was the bones , and sometimes even those were carried off and used for something . Cooper hated all humans . " We will do as suggested by Hudson . It is the only assured way that we can - " Before he could finish , he felt the stirring of the earth . It shook so hard that it knocked each of them off their feet . As they lay there , terrified that someone was coming for them , their father appeared before them . His body was still aground . But instead of dark in death , he was brilliant in light . Faeries , thousands upon thousands of faeriebody . Faerie ropes were all around him … strings of magic wrapped around him like a cocoon that made him invisible to all . As Cooper stood there , his brothers beside him , he knew that , like him , they mourned the loss of yet another parent . " You are the eldest ? " He nodded to the faerie when she asked . " We have a gift for you . For all of you , but you will receive the most . Your father was a great man , your mother a queen among her people . We wish to bestow upon you all that your father had . " " My brothers , they will need it as well . I should like to share . " She smiled at him and bowed . " What have you done with his body ? " " He is being prepared to be moved . We will make a grand garden upon him . Flowers will be there for all to see , but only few will know that a dragon is there with his other half , his love . " He nodded . It was as it should be . " You will take this gift ? You will share , but as I said , you will get more than the others . " " I don 't care . Please , just do what you must so that we can hide . " She nodded again and touched her fingers , small tiny ones , to his forehead . Then she did the same to the others before coming back to him . " It is done ? You have shared it with us ? " " I have , Lord Cooper . But you must leave here now . There are humans coming . The magic that we used to do this thing has given them cause to come here . " He nodded and looked at the ground where their father had been . " He is safe . Just as your mother is now . Go , before they find you here and murder you as well . " He thanked her for her help and left . The exit from this part of the cave was hidden so well that only they knew about it . As they made their way into the night , he thought of the human inside of him , and the pain of it took his breath away . In seconds he was down on his knees . Whatever was happening , he was surely going to die . " You 're a man . " He looked up at his brothers as they began to change into men themselves . " We 'll be safe now , all of us . We 'll be humans for them until we can fThis entry was posted in amazon , Amazon B & N I Tunes , Book One in series , Dark Fantasy , Dragon Series , erotica , Giveaway , Release Day on May 1 , 2017 by Kathi Barton . Evan : The Whitfield Rancher Release Day Leave a reply Dylan Hutchinson lived and breathed Army , and she 'd been under cover so long she 'd forgot what it felt like to be a civilian . But the last mission took a turn for the worse and not only was she hurt , but she 's been informed that she could no longer do her job . It 's either a desk job as a recruiter , or she 's out . Evan Whitfield didn 't have to work , but he loved his job as a surgeon . And when as his tiger he found an old man wandering in the woods with Alzheimer 's and confused , he wanted to help the family . The family had a daughter in the hospital too , and they were struggling . Evan thought the daughter might be not as sick or hurt as she claimed to be , so he took it upon himself to check her out . Evan was surprised to find that she was not only hurt worse than they claimed , she was also his mate . For a doctor , Dylan thought Evan was dense . What part of go away didn 't he understand ? She wasn 't the mate or marrying kind . Her life was over , not beginning . He needed to just go away … . The hay bailer was working the last two rows when Evan saw his dad riding his big bay horse toward him . Blake and Adrian , two of his brothers , had already been cut loose , and he was fixing to do the same to Joshua and David , his other brothers . He and Adam could handle this last bit , so he told them to head on back to the house before Dad got there . " He looks like he 's got something on his mind . I 'm betting it has something to do with that trip he made today . It 's not like him to go to town unless one of us is with him . " Nodding at Adam , Evan watched as Dad dismounted and made his way toward them . " Are you staying for supper tonight , or heading back to town ? " " Town . I have to work in the morning . " Dad asked him if they were about done . " Yes , sir . Adam and I are going to see to this before we put the tractor in the barn . Adrian said he 'd clean it for me after supper . " " You not staying ? " He told him the same thing he 'd told Adam . " I don 't know why you don 't just quit that job . I know that you 're good at it and all , but I 'd sure like to see you more than once a week , and that has you rushing off again . Come home , son . For good . " There was a bite to his voice , as if he was really pissed at him . Evan let out a long breath , picking up the next bale that had come from the baler . Whatever was bothering his dad , he was sure it had nothing to do with his job . " Dad , I 'm thirty minutes away . Less if I need to hurry . And me working was what I went to college for . And I love what I do . It 's rewarding to see how my work is making a difference . You know as well as I do that you have more than enough hands around if you need them . " His dad nodded but didn 't say anything else . " Everything all right ? " " Yes . Why wouldn 't it be ? " Evan only shrugged . His dad was in a mood , and while it wouldn 't last long , he could be a bear until it was over . " Your grandpa is coming for a visit . I guess he went and talked to your mom and they set it up . I was in town earlier picking him " He wants to go over his will . " Well , that was something . No one liked to be made to realize that they were as mortal as the next . " I 'm not ready for that . I just … . We just buried my mom , and I don 't want to talk about him leaving too . It 's too much . But when I said that to your mother , she got all huffy with me . " " She got huffy or you got huffy ? " His dad said he might have started it . " Mom loved Grandma too . I 'm betting she no more wants to do this than you do . But I can also understand why Grandpa wants to do this . It was a mess when Grandma died , and she had everything all written out for the funeral director and all . " " No will was properly made out . I know that , I surely do , but it 's just too soon . What am I gonna do if something happens to him too ? " Evan hugged his dad and told him he had them . " Yes , but he 's my dad . And … well , I don 't know what I 'm going to do . You know ? He 's always been there , him and Mom . And to think that he 's making these plans … well , it just breaks my heart . Upsets me so that I get angry about it . I 'm sorry , I am , but he 's my dad . " " Maybe if you just let him do this , then he 'll start to get better . You know as well as I that he 's been in a bad way . Not that I blame him . I know that I would be as well . But if he feels like things are settled , then perhaps he 'll start to come out of this depression a little more . " His dad said nothing . " Dad , I don 't know what else to do . He 's going to do it , no matter what we try to say . " " What if he 's doing this because he has plans to join Mom ? I mean , like right now , instead of waiting until his time comes along ? I 'm afraid , Evan , that is just what he 's planning to do . This might be his way of getting things settled , as you called it , before he does something really stupid . " Evan had actually thought of that but didn 't want to mention it to his dad . " I can 't lose another parent . Even as old as I am and knowing that he 's getting up there , I just can 't lose him . " Grandpa , Dad . Maybe if we show him how much we need him around , he 'll rethink whatever it is he 's got going on in his head . " " I 'd like that too . I know you have to go back to work tomorrow , but I wish you 'd reconsider coming home for good . It 's not like you need to work , Evan . I really miss you . And I know that your brothers and mom do as well . " Evan didn 't say anything . There was nothing for him to say . He had to work or he 'd go nuts . " You think on it . Maybe you can take some vacation time out and see what you 're missing here . " " I know what I 'm missing . I think about it every day . " They got off the hay and helped the hands put it in the barn . In a few weeks they 'd have to go to the other field to do the same thing there , but for now they had enough to keep the few cows they had and the horses fed in the colder months . And to sell to the other ranchers around them when they ran short . Evan loved his family . He enjoyed being with them , talking to his brothers about nothing much at all . And the open fields that he could roam alone or with them . But he needed to be away too . Needed his own space , his own things . If he did quit his job and came home , his mom and dad would expect him to live at home again , as most of his brothers were . Not that it wasn 't nice being all together , but he needed quiet sometimes . Grandpa was at the house when they came out of the barn . He was still looking lost , not that Evan didn 't blame him . Evan saw a lot of death in his job . Being a surgeon was not meeting people in the best of circumstances . His family might drive him nuts at times , but they were his and he loved them . Hugging Grandpa , he followed him to the mud room to clean up . Grandpa didn 't say anything , but Evan knew he had something on his mind . " You still being a doctor out there in the city ? " He said that he was . " I was wondering if you 'd do me a favor when you go back . I need something notarized , and I 'd like for you to drop me at the bank when you leave here . If you don 't anything to live for . " You have us . Dad and Mom too . We 'd have no one if you were to do this . " " I hurt . " Evan told him he didn 't know the pain he was feeling , but understood . " She kept me in line . Helped me through the day just by loving me . And I tell you right now that she made me feel like I was the king of the world with just her smile . I miss her so very much . " He sobbed then , holding onto Evan as he did so . Evan felt his own eyes fill with tears , and when they fell over his cheeks , he held his grandpa all the tighter . Grandma had been there for all of them . She 'd been the one that he could go to , for anything . And now she was gone and Grandpa wanted to join her . Dinner was a somber affair . No one , it seemed , was in their usual jolly mood . Even Blake , who could liven up any seating , was quiet . Evan helped his mom clear the dishes , and the rest of them cleaned up the kitchen . Grandpa joined them just as they were putting the last clean pot on the hanger . " Buy it from me . One of you boys , you should buy my house from me . " They didn 't move , not even to look at one another . " I will make you a good deal . I can 't … . I was thinking of moving in with Oliver here , and I would love for one of you yahoos to have the house . " " You move in with Dad and Mom , and I 'll buy it . " Evan had no idea why he said that . He didn 't need a house any more than he needed to work . " You promise us that you 'll move in here and behave yourself , then I 'll buy your house . " " I don 't want to behave myself . I want to … I want to run in the woods . Have some … . You six should make me a great grandpa . I 'd surely have something to do if you were to do that . " Each of them groaned and Grandpa laughed . " You promise me that you 'll be on the outlook for yourself a mate , and I 'll try and keep myself in a better frame of mind . " " Deal . " All of them put out their hands after making the promise . If that was all it took , a promise , then Evan would do it . As for the house ? He didn 't have a clucoming home because she 'd been hurt badly and had to leave the service . He could tell him , but Dad wouldn 't remember it . " I 'd like to have fish for dinner tonight . You go ask your momma if she can whip me some up . " Norris nodded . " Then we should go for ice cream . You got those good grades , so we should celebrate . Didn 't you , boy ? " " I 'd like that . We 'll go after supper , if you still want . " Dad got up and made his way to his room . In a few minutes , he 'd come back out and ask Norris where his bed was , and he 'd have to show him . Alzheimer 's sucked . Several years ago his dad had been a little forgetful . Slightly disoriented at times too . Nothing that worried them much . His dad was brilliant , and had always had trouble remembering simple tasks unless he wrote them down . After his wife passed , he became worse … his inability to remember to put on shoes or wear a coat had gotten him put in the hospital with a cold that had turned into pneumonia . Then they started noticing him being forgetful of who they were , and most of the time he would remember things that were well in the past . Then he 'd begun to wander off . It was then that Norris had found out that his dad was slowly losing his ability to do a great many things . Like living alone and keeping his own house . Meals were skipped because he couldn 't remember if he 'd eaten . Bedtimes were overlooked because he didn 't remember where his bed was . Things like that and more had gotten the doctor to declare him unfit to live on his own . He 'd been living with them since then . Not that he didn 't enjoy having his dad around . But lately , just over the last few months , he 'd been getting away from them . Running off without telling anyone where he was going . And sometimes the police had to help them find him . His dad was having more and more bad days all the time . It was putting a strain not just on Norris 's health , but his finances as well . When Norris 's wife Stella returned from grocery shopping , he checked on his dad before he went tdidn 't know where it had happened or how she 'd been injured , nor did he know to what extent her injuries were . But he knew that she was lucky to be alive , and that was all that mattered to him . For now , anyway . " When did they say they 'd be here with her ? You probably told me , but my mind is a little fuzzy . I 'm so tired , Norris . I shouldn 't have stayed up so late watching that movie . " He laughed and told his wife that it was supposed to be Friday . " Good . We 'll be there when they land . Then we 'll go to the hospital with her . I miss her so much . " He did as well , and had for a long time . Dylan was their only child , and she 'd been a delightful little girl who grew up into a wonderful grown up . At seventeen she 'd joined the army , and soon after she made it through boot camp , she 'd been picked to be trained for special jobs . He knew that she was covert , but anything else had been kept from them , to keep them , and especially her , safe . Over the next ten years they 'd seen very little of their daughter . She was forever rushing off for one thing or another , her job keeping her away for longer periods of time . Then about six months ago , a few days before they 'd been notified that there had been an accident , she 'd called him . With the call coming in the middle of the night , he knew something was wrong . " Dad ? " He said it was him and glanced at the clock . He 'd never forget the time . It was one twenty - four in the morning . " Dad , I 'm going to be coming home soon , I 've arranged it . I 'll have a month off . I 'd like for you to do something for me . " " Anything . You name it and it 'll be yours . " She laughed and he could hear the tension in it . " What is it , baby ? Are you all right ? " " No . I 've been … I don 't think I can do this anymore . So much death and pain here now . " He asked her what it was . " I can 't tell you . But I 'm done . I want to come home and make a life . After my R & R , I 'm going to muster out . I want a house . A yard of my own . I want things to be normal . her was she able to speak . er body was too broken to do much more than just heal . orris made his way out to the back of the house and sat on the deck . is baby was coming home , and he doubted very much anything was going to be normal for her again . Norris ? " e looked up at his wife when she said his name . Norris , I can 't find your father . e was resting not ten minutes ago , and now he 's gone . " is body tensed up and he stood . ad could have gone anywhere in that little time . he man was like a magician when it came to escaping their notice and getting into trouble . alling the police to tell them what had happened , he began walking the streets . is dad would only be able to tell someone where he lived if he was having a good day . nd his dad 's good days had been few and far between in the last several weeks . ost everyone knew him , but there were a few that didn 't . Did you find your dad , Mr . Hutchinson ? " e told the officer that he 'd not about an hour later when he drove up behind him . I have all our men out looking for him . ou should go and talk to Mr . Whitfield like I suggested . im and his boys , they 'd sure be able to find him a good deal faster . " I know . 've been meaning to , but my daughter … she 's coming home soon . " fficer Petty told him that was wonderful as he stopped the cruiser and got out . She 's going to be spending a few weeks in the hospital , but she 'll be home soon enough . " You 've had a rough few months , Mr . Hutchinson . ut having Hutch home , that 'll take some of the burden off you and your family . he was always one to depend on . " e only nodded , knowing that she 'd be depending on them a great deal now . e 'd not been able to tell anyone anything because , frankly , he didn 't know anything . I 've got my men out looking for him , sir , like I said . e 'll find him for you . " e hoped so . hile it wasn 't cold out , still summer yet , he did worry about his dad taking a tumble into something and not getting out . r wandering into so " Yes . nd Bennie is still one of them . swear to you , if you make him wet his pants again , I 'll … I 'll … . " he laughed hard at his lack of a threat . He 's a good kid , Dylan . hy do you dislike him so much ? " He 's not a good kid , Dad . e 's a bully and a fucking prick . ut I 'll be good if he does . ow , what did you get Mom ? " y the time they 'd gotten to the mall , both had been having a good time . hen they went into the jeweler 's , she 'd offered to pay the difference on the watch he 'd gotten for her mom . I got it . hat did you get her ? " he only shook her head and told him not to guess . You did get her something , didn 't you ? " I got you both something . " orris had seen her stiffen up and turned to see Bennie behind him . Hello , Bennie . " Well , well , well . f it 's not the terror of Washington street . ome for good , this time , Dylan ? r are you headed back to out of country ? " ennie made those quotation signs with his fingers when he asked her about the country . Me and the boys , we think you 're just in prison . girl like you , that 's where you belong . " Dad ? " e hadn 't wanted trouble , not then or now , but there really was something simply mean about Bennie today . nd after that , he 'd noticed it a great deal more . Dad , I 'm doing what you asked , but it 's not easy . " You shoplifting , Dylan ? s that what you learned in prison ? r , I 'm sorry , in the army ? " ennie reached for her , and even standing there beside her , Norris hadn 't seen her move . efore he could tell her to go for it , Bennie was on the floor screaming to be released . You 've fucking broke my hand . " he laughed and told him she 'd not . You have . can feel it . " No , I didn 't . only stopped you from touching me . owever , I can break it if you want . " orris told her not to just yet . All right . ut I did try to be good , Dad . e started it . " He did . saw it . " he police were called and she was asked to let the mall cop go . fter several witneThis entry was posted in amazon , Amazon B & N I Tunes , Book One in series , Dark Fantasy , erotica , Release Day , Tigers on April 17 , 2017 by Kathi Barton . terling : Calhoun Men Release Day & Giveaway Leave a reply Marty liked her life just fine . She was alone in the world , and waiting on tables would get her by until she finished college , but the girl she was training wasn 't working out . And the girl got her fired - now what was she supposed to do ? She needed that job to survive . Sterling Calhoun 's encounter with the she - devil was over , but the nightmares still lingered . The only thing that helped him deal with the nightmarish pain were his paintings . And through is Grandda he met Marty , his mate , but Sterling hadn 't been himself for a very long time … . Marty knew a few shifters , so she knew what it meant when Sterling told her she was his mate . Oh , hell no , this guy had to be nuts , the " mates " she knew were a strange lot , and she didn 't want any part of it … . I BOOKS Coming Soon Johanna , better known as Joe , had been a day walker for her only friend , Noah , for centuries . An immortal with eight hundred years under her belt , she had become proficient in several languages and occupations . When her friend Noah talked about meeting the sun , she had every intention of following in his path . Joe had only gone to the Calhoun 's office to catch a ride to the estate . When she entered , it took her breath away to see the younger man on the floor and no one doing a damn thing to help him . Trent Calhoun had forgotten how to have fun . Diving into his work was what kept him happy . At 33 he had no life , so when he had a heart attack , his doctor said to change his ways or else . When the gorgeous woman stumbled into his hospital room , Trent thought his dad was up to his old tricks again ― that was until he caught her scent … . Now , because of his wolf , he 's face to face with an angry vampire … . Noelle was in somewhat of a pickle . She had researched the Calhoun firm ― Elijah Calhoun in particular ― before she made the appointment , but she was having second and third thoughts about hiring the firm after she got there . All her research indicated she could trust them , but big men scared the hell out of her , and the place was full of them . Elijah had been running a tad late for work , so his brother Trent took his first appointment . Elijah never dreamed that the woman he had an appointment with was his future mate … and she needed his protection . Noelle 's stepfather wasn 't their only problem . Elijah 's brother Sterling 's nightmares had gotten worse and somehow the creature that had marked him was controlling his actions as well … no one was safe … . Chloe Davis was giving up . She thought for sure the owners of the computer shop she worked for were responsible for her father 's death , but in all the time she 'd worked there she 'd not been able to find enough evidence to prove it , so as far as she was concerned she was out of there . Her boss , George , on the other hand had other ideas . As far as he was concerned she wasn 't going anywhere … by force if necessary . Scott Calhoun was just trying to help his grandfather get the young woman to safety , the last thing he expected was for her to be his mate . And he wasn 't happy about it either . Scott was a Dom , and he liked his sex hard and rough and his women submissive … this woman was a spitfire , and he was pretty sure he 'd scare her off with his demands … . As far as he was concerned he was a deviant , not mate material . But when Chloe and Scott come together , they both find more than they expected … Scott has finally met his match . Now , if everyone would stop trying to kill them , they might live long enough to enjoy each other . Alta set a plate full of food in front of him , and Sterling stared at it before looking up at her . She 'd been with him for nearly four months now , and he was sure that he was about as fattened up as he was going to get . She smiled at him and told him to eat . " I 'm thinking you 're either fattening me up for a huge dinner , or you think I 'm still skinny . First , I 'm not Santa , and second … . Well , second , I 'm not that hungry anymore . " She patted him on the cheek and walked away as he started putting butter on his pancakes . " Did I tell you that I 'm supposed to host Christmas this year ? I haven 't any idea why I got volunteered . I guess I should pay more attention when they 're all talking . " " They do love to talk , your family . " He nodded as she handed him a platter of bacon and sausage . " Randal is coming . I think he should be here any second . " The back door opened and there stood his brother covered in snow . He was brushing it off his head as he was telling Alta that he could eat again . When he sat across from him , stealing one of his pieces of bacon , Alta gave him pancakes as well . " Mom sent me over . And Grandma wants to know if you have enough decorations for Christmas . " He said he had some . " I 'm also supposed to tell you that once you 're ready to start with the decorations , you 're to call Mom . She said don 't forget . Wanna go shopping with me ? " " No . I have work to do , and Noelle has a list of things she needs me to pick up as well . I guess she 's been making some pretty good deals with a few vampires that Noah knows . " Randal finished his breakfast before he did , which didn 't surprise Sterl . He didn 't have live - in help and no one cooked for him . " Why did Mom send you here ? " " Mostly to make sure that you 're eating well and that you 're not lazing around the house . I haven 't any idea why she thinks that , but she told me to see about you . And I think she 's still pissed at Grandda . He should have known better than to be late for dinner on Friday . " They ← Older posts

Leave a reply Dr . Gabriela Nola , Gabe to everyone , hadn 't been in town long . Kenton McCade was looking for a partner in his practice , and she was hoping to fill the spot . A nice small town beat the last hospital job she 'd just recently quit - 90 hours a week with a shorthanded staff . She just wanted normal , and the voice in her head to stop already about opening the box and wearing the item inside . Dalton McCade knew when he heard the dragon 's voice that he was next on the list , and ready or not his mate was coming . According to the dragon , she was already here and had refused to put the combs in her hair . But as always , danger followed the jewelry , and Gabe was no exception . The mysterious stranger would have all the pieces for his own collection , and didn 't care who he had to kill to get them . Emma Gentry felt like she was losing her mind . From the time she had picked up the pretty ring to examine it , she 'd been hearing a voice in her head . When she ran from the demolished building , she 'd slipped the ring on her finger so that she wouldn 't drop it , now she couldn 't get it off . She was in dire need of medical attention , but the voice wouldn 't let her stop to get help . There were others looking for the ring and would kill her for it . Emma was on the run . Kenton McCade was the doctor in the family . When found Emma in his office treating a badly infected wound on her leg , he had to help her . The infection had spread and she was near death . Kenton and his brothers were dragon shifters born without the ability to shift into their other half . The magic , it seemed , lay dormant in a sleeping dragon that was tied to six pieces of jewelry . When the ring found its way to Emma , her touch had woken the sleeping beast . When Emma touched Kenton 's sigil on his chest , he shifted to his beast for the first time . But the beast from the ring would not be complete until all the jewelry found its way to their rightful dragons … . Emma was still on the run … they need her to survive … but Emma trusted no one … Buy Link https : / / www . amazon . com / gp / product / B01C7E371A / ref = series _ rw _ dp _ sw Jasmine Tyler was wishing she had never found those earrings in that box of junk she bought at auction . They were so pretty , and the dragons had so much detail , that she simply had to try them on . That was the biggest mistake she 'd ever made . Once they were on they weren 't coming off . And those men in the black SUVs meant business . She 'd hand the earrings over or they 'd kill her . They 'd more than likely kill her anyway even if she could get the damn things off . Now she was on the run with her young son , Gavin , and her ailing granny . A voice in her head that started when she put the earrings on was directing her to find the McCades . The dragon had told Kenton and Jorden McCade that another piece of jewelry had been activated , and the boy that had just come into Jorden 's studio was her son . The dragon didn 't know which brother she was mated to , but she had sent the boy and her granny ahead to keep them safe . Now , another attempt had been made on her life and she was in a hospital an hour away . The cop at the scene had been in on it , and Jasmine found herself in a pickle . She 'd been drugged and there wasn 't a thing she could do about it . Her body hit the floor by her hospital bed and she was looking into the lifeless eyes of her nurse . As soon as Jorden scooped Jasmine up off the floor and her earring touched his skin , he knew that this woman was his . The earring left a brand , marking them both . He couldn 't be happier about finding her , now to convince her to stay was going to be the problem … . Harper Bailey was in way over her head , and the trouble just seemed to keep coming . Her brother - in - law had frozen her personal accounts , and now she was on the run because she wouldn 't do as she was " told . " She had been told to abort the baby . Harper hadn 't wanted the baby she had been forced to carry in the first place , but now that she 'd felt life , she would protect the child with hers . Grady McCade knew that his mate had been found when she touched the piece of jewelry . The dragon had told him that if he didn 't hurry to her side , she would be found by the dragon slayers and her life could be ended as well as the life of the babe that she carried . With Grady and Harper together , the dragon grows stronger , and the slayers pick up the pace in their quest for all the pieces of jewelry . Can the McCades stop them before they strike again ? Are any of them safe ? Find out in The McCade Dragon - Grady There were no words that he could say that would make this any different . Dalton watched as the casket , a beautiful bright wood , was lowered into the cold earth . His friend , mentor , and sounding board had died eight days ago . Howard Short simply went to sleep one night and didn 't wake . And it broke Dalton 's heart . " Dalton ? " He looked at Melinda , Howard 's wife , when she said his name . " Will you say a few words , please ? My brother - in - law just can 't . He 's devastated , as we all are . " " Yes , of course . " He stood up and made his way to the podium . So many people were here today , paying tribute to a wonderful man . Dalton thought of his friend and what he could say about him . Smiling , he thought of something that Howard would have gotten a kick out of . " Howard could be a jackass when he wanted . " Everyone laughed , just as he 'd hoped , even Melinda . He continued speaking about Howard as if he 'd just stepped out for a cold beer . " When we were on a stakeout or even out fishing , he 'd tell me of the time he was in the academy . Of course , I didn 't believe half the crap he told me . But this one story , I think , sums him up better than anything I could say about him . " Dalton looked at the casket , then at the people there . " He 'd been in the dorm for about two weeks , he 'd told me . It wasn 't going as well as he 'd hoped . I think he said that of the three classes he was in , he was flunking out of three of them . " Another round of laughter . " Back then , if you weren 't cutting it , Howard told me that they 'd come to see you , help you pack up your things , and send you on your way . He wasn 't ready to give up , he told me , and he didn 't think that they should be just yet either . " As he was debating on whether or not to open the door when his time came , he had an idea . Howard told me it wasn 't a good idea , but he 'd been down and was sure under other circumstances , he might not have done what he did next . He opened the door and told the men standing there that Howard Short had left . After he was finished , he stood still as the guns were drawn for the salute and fired . Dalton cried then , his pain of loss too much for him to hold in any longer . And when the service was over , he made his way to Melinda again and hugged her . She too had become a very important part of his life over the years . " You 'll come to visit me , won 't you ? " He told her he would . She was leaving today , to live with her son in another state . " He loved you so much , Dalton . Like his own son . " " I loved him as well . He 'll be sorely missed . " She nodded and left him there . Dalton could have gone to stand with his family , but decided that he was fine where he was . He watched as the dirt was filled into the hole much like the one in his heart . But his would never be filled . Going to the after reception at the newly remodeled homeless shelter , he didn 't speak to many people . There was food , he supposed , that he could have eaten , but like his heart , his belly wasn 't ready for anything right at the moment . Instead he just found a dark corner and sat in it until he felt it was a good time for him to go home . My lord . He wanted to sob . Dalton didn 't want to answer who he thought was talking to him . It could only mean one thing , and he didn 't want it . Not today , perhaps not ever . My lord , your mate is coming . " Tell her that I 've got a lot going on at the moment and I 'd prefer that she didn 't . " Caelin said nothing . " Where is she and what does she have ? " The hair combs , my lord . And I don 't think it 's possible for her not to come . She is on her way now . But I must tell you that she hasn 't put the jewelry to her flesh . I 'm not at all sure why just yet , but she is aware of me and is coming this way . He asked what the combs did for the wearer . She will have blood that will heal all that she touches , her heart will be stronger still than it was before . Her name is - " No , don 't tell me . I mean , I know that I 'll have to know sooner or later , but for now I 'd like to just not know . " Caelin You are without a job , sir ? He told him that he might well be . I don 't understand . I thought you enjoyed being a good cop . Whatever has … ? Is it the death of your captain ? " He was my sergeant , but yes , because of him passing away , I don 't think my heart will be in this anymore . I might … never mind . If she can support me , I think I might just make furniture in my garage until I turn up dead one morning . Or I 'll run off and never return . " Dalton realized then that she was out of work too . They were starting off great , he thought . Two unemployed people with a huge house , no car , and nothing to show for their hard work . When Vance sat down beside him , he asked him when he 'd gotten in . " Two days ago . I 've been working on some things . " Dalton nodded . " Rumor has it you 're the next big cheese around here . You gonna be sheriff now , Dalt ? " Vance had been the only person who called him that . It mattered little to him that Dalton had asked him not to call him Dalt … he had continued over the years . Dalton asked him where he 'd heard that rumor . " Because that 's all it is , is a rumor . I 'm not going to take the job . In fact , I was seriously thinking of quitting altogether . " Vance told him that he 'd not enjoy retirement any more than he would . " Caelin just told me that my mate is here in town . " " Really ? I 'm assuming that it 's the pretty little doctor at the B & B then ? " Dalton didn 't want to ask about her , but he found that he wanted to know . " Yes , she is pretty . Tall … not quite as tall as you , but close . Blonde hair that I assume is long . Dark eyes . I 've not seen them as yet close up , but I 'd say they were blue , like midnight blue . " " You know a great deal about my mate , Vance . What have you been doing , spying on her ? " He nodded . " Whatever for ? You think she 's some sort of murderer or something ? It wouldn 't surprise me . Not at this point . " " No , but she has baggage . " Dalton just stared at him . " Her job , where she worked before , they really have a hard - on whatever that might be . He did wonder if he could go work for him for a bit , just to figure out what he wanted to do with the rest of his life . " I guess I should just wait for her then . I mean , I don 't want to seem like that odd stalker guy . " Vance said he had no idea , but thought that was a smart move . He knew less about women than Dalton did , apparently . " Whatever you do , I 'm sure that it 'll be either wrong or not enough . I know nothing at all about women . " Dalton looked at his brother . He was clean but his pants were army issue , his shirt a dark tee , and his boots - ass kickers , he called them - had seen better days . Vance kept his hair military short and neat , and he seldom had a beard . Dalton asked him why he didn 't wear … well , regular people clothing . " I wear what I want , when I want . " Dalton laughed . " Look , whether you go and see her or not , you should know that she 's polite , generous with her time , and like you , she wears what she does right out there for everyone to see . " He asked him what that meant . " You are a cop , Dalt . Even a blind man could tell that . And they 'd not even have to see the badge . Same with her . She 's a doctor , a good one , and people know that when they first see her . " Dalton sat there long after Vance left , trying to figure out what to do . He could have , he supposed , just walked over to meet her , but he had a feeling that would have been a mistake . He was sure that he could talk to Kenton too , but decided that he 'd get enough grief from him without adding to it . Instead , he went to his truck and drove home . Dalton was going to enjoy the next few days he had off , and not worry about mates , dragons , or men looking for jewelry . ~ ~ ~ Gabe walked to the diner . She 'd come to love the little place , what with the strange way they served their meals and the nice people who worked in and frequented the place . As she made her way inside , she knew which seat to sit in , which to avoid . When she sat in the booth with the unforgiving spring , she moved to the windhopefully the house that she 'd been looking at was ready to be rented . Things were going quite nicely for a change , and she was as rested and as happy as she 'd ever been . " Oh lordy . " Gabe looked up when she heard the shout from the kitchen , then Milly saying " Oh lordy " over and over . Getting up , she ticked off all the things that could go wrong in a kitchen , and was afraid that Milly had been hurt badly . As soon as she entered , she put her fingers in her mouth and let go of a shrill but effective whistle to shut the few people in the room up . A dishwasher was wearing the nastiest apron she 'd ever seen and dark gloves on his hands . Milly was standing there wringing her hands . A man , who she assumed was the cook , was lying on the floor with a large knife sticking out of his belly , his hands covered in his own blood and his eyes wide with terror . Gabe let her mind take over on what to do . " Milly , call the police and have them send an ambulance . " She 'd learned the first day that there was no one manning the nine - one - one service just yet . " Then I want you to get everyone out of here while I fix this . " " The knife , it just slipped up . " Gabe nodded and told her she had it . " He 's surely gonna bleed to death , and Kenton , he won 't make it in time . " " I 'm a doctor as well . I 've got this . Just do what I told you . " She made her way to Cook . If he had a name , she 'd never heard it . " I 'm Gabe . If you 'll allow me , I 'll see if I can help you . " " I think I 'm a goner . The knife , it 's stainless steel but it 's in me . " She told him as long as she was there , he wasn 't a goner . " I wasn 't paying no attention is what I was doing . Thinking of my boy and what we was gonna do when he was a mite bigger . Now I won 't see him . " He was getting weaker ; the arm that was holding him up slipped out from under him and he fell back to the floor . Gabe got her first look at the wound . He 'd cut his belly to his intestine , the knife still inside of him . Turning to the person who 'd " Uncle Kenton is on his way . He said for you to do what you needed to do and he 'd assist when he gets here . " She wasn 't sure how that conversation had happened but said nothing to the young man . " I told him what I could . " " You can … . You 're not human . " He told her he was but Kenton wasn 't . " I see . Right now I have more important things to do than to figure out what he might be . This is what we need to do . Christ , there is never a vampire around when you need one . " The laughter made her smile . It was one thing to scare the kid to death over something like this , but making him see humor wouldn 't give him nightmares too . As she moved the towels around the blade , all she could think about was that he might be right … Cook might die . When Kenton showed up , his black bag in hand , he asked her what she needed . It both surprised and impressed her that he didn 't just come in and take over . For the next twenty minutes , he handed her what she wanted and helped her when necessary . The impromptu surgery room wasn 't the best , but it was going to be good enough to save this man 's life . The medics , a couple of young men who she assumed were friends of Kenton , stayed back until they were ready to transport him . It wasn 't long after Kenton showed up that they were able to say that they 'd done the best that they could for the man . The rest was going to be up to the surgeon . Gabe rode in the ambulance , Kenton beside her . The medic rode in front with the driver , so in the event that they needed to , they 'd have room to work . As they worked together , she and Kenton , Cook came around once to tell Kenton to watch over his son for him . " You 're going to make it , Gerald . " She nearly asked who that was when the cook nodded . " The good doctor here , she got you all put back together , and once we get you to the hospital , she 's going to remove that knife you got stuck in you and you 'll be as good as new . But you have to believe us , Gerald . You know as well as I do that if you give up on her , Sand " You 'll learn . Gerald is a wolf . There is a lot of pack around the area . Nearly seven hundred now . The people who own the B & B where you 're staying , they 're bears . Milly is human , but she 's married to a cat . " She asked him what his family was . " My brother is a cop . He 'll be meeting us at the hospital . He has to fill out a report for insurance purposes . Milly owns the place , and while she 'd never tell anyone this , she 's fallen on some hard times of late and can 't afford this hit to her bank account . " " She needs to fix up the place . Expand a little , and for the love of all that is holy , get some better seating . " Gabe didn 't point out that he 'd not answered her as to what he was . She figured that he either didn 't want her to know , or it was so bad that he didn 't want to share . " I 'm looking for a house . One that is ready to move into . I don 't want to have to fix something up . " " We have a few . We 're here . " Just as he said that , the ambulance made a hard stop . Had she not been holding on , she would have fallen out of the door when it opened . The man standing there in a police officer 's shirt and jeans did not look happy . " Dalton , this is my new partner , Gabriela Nola . Gabe , this is Dalton McCade . We 're dragons . " She was halfway out of the back of the ambulance when Kenton spoke . Gabe felt her breath swoosh out of her and her heart simply stop beating . She knew they were speaking , arguing really , but nothing was getting through . Not air , not sound , not even blood was running in her body . Then the pain , like someone had slapped her , registered a split second before the world around her just disappeared . Leave a reply Spencer Graham had been trying to get a hold of Jason Crosby for weeks , but he didn 't seem to answer emails , mail or the telephone . She had an idea that would make them a great deal of money , but she needed him to invest in her project before it was too late . So , barging into his home at 4 a . m . was the only solution as far as she was concerned . She didn 't , however , expect him to answer the door naked and proposition her as soon as she walked in the door . Spencer did the only thing that came natural to her , she knocked him on his ass … . Jason Crosby was nearly two thousand years old , and in all his days as a vampire , he 'd never seen anyone quite like her , not that he thought that was a good thing . He didn 't . She was his mate , and he was only going the tolerate her because he had to … . The woman in his arms was weak . Crosby wasn 't sure that she was going to make it , not the way she 'd been burned . As soon as he laid her on the soft earth , she opened her eyes and looked up at him . Crosby felt his heart skip several beats . My goodness , she sure was a pretty little thing . " The others ? " He told her that his sons were getting out as many as they could . " Thank you . The house , it just exploded into flames . We had no time to get out . " " We caught him . " She frowned but let her eyes flitter to a close . Asking her if she was all right enough for him to leave her for a moment , she nodded . Crosby went to the house to help his boys . They had no way of knowing how many faeries were in the house . A few of them had died , whether from smoke inhalation or fire . They pulled out as many as they could , dead or alive , and laid them on the ground . Soon there 'd be nothing left of the building , but he didn 't want to leave anyone behind if he could help it . The faeries , even the smaller ones , were worth any kind of pain they might get from the hot flames to save them . " They 're all out , so far as we can tell . We 've made an area over there for the dead . The ones that can be saved are being helped by the others . " Jason , his oldest , dropped to his knees . " I don 't think we missed anyone , but it 's burning too hot for us to go back in . I 'm sorry , Dad . " " We did the best we could , son . You have to believe that . That house , it went up fast . I 'm thinking that the man who did this , he knew what he was about . " He glanced over at the woman he 'd brought out . She was resting , which he was glad for . And her body seemed to be healing slowly . " I think she 'd be the one in charge . If she 's awake , ask her how many were in the place , please . " Jason stood up just as the rest of them were coming out of the falling down building . Just as the last of his boys came out , the entire thing fell down behind them . Grayson jumped back when his shirt caught on one of the embers . Luckily , Elliot was able well , it was over almost as soon as we got here . " She nodded . " I 'm sorry about your family , miss . There was no cause for this . " " You said that he 'd been caught . Is he … did you kill him ? " Crosby told her that he was dead , yes . " Thank you for that . Had he been able to get away , I fear that he would do more of the same to my kind . I wish to repay you . " " No , that won 't be necessary . I know what you are and what they were , but we 've no desire to take anything else from you . You have lost enough , my lady . " She nodded and Crosby introduced her to his sons . " This is Jason , my oldest . Then in order of birth to youngest , it 's Chase , Elliot , Grayson , Ryan , and the youngest is Sean . This is the Lady Kilian , the faerie queen . " He was proud of his boys , all of them men now but still his little boys . As they shook her hand he spoke of them , just little things that he was happy to share with her . How they 'd been taking lessons from the neighbor lady to learn how to sew and knit . Things that men should know how to do in the event of an emergency . How Sean could do some doctoring if necessary , even on a human . All notes of the pride that Crosby felt for his sons . When she turned to him , he could see that she had completely healed and was feeling like herself again . She looked at the dead and injured . " The man who did this , he was out to kill all of us . " Crosby said that was about right . " Had you not come here when you did , he would have succeeded . By killing me , without someone to take the place of the queen , all faeries would have perished . And you know as well as I , that would be the death of a great deal of magic . " " We only came to help out the people living here , miss . We would have done the same for anyone . " She smiled at him . " You 're very beautiful , my lady . I 'm glad that we could save you and the others . I 'm sorry that there wasn 't more time for us . We 'll help with the dead , should you wish . As I said , it won 't be any trouble at all . " " You have given the worldshould be after a simple thank you gift . Every inch he crawled toward them , it felt as if he was taken several feet back . Christ , he was going to die right there . " Dad ? " He nodded at Jason as he got to his knees too . " I 'm sick . I mean , I feel like I need to puke and my legs are weak . What did she do to us ? " " She said it was a gift . For saving her and the others . Doesn 't feel that way , but that 's what she told me . " Jason cursed as he stood up on his wobbly legs . " We have to get to shelter . Can you get the others going ? " " I 'm not hurt . " He looked at Sean , who was standing with his arms wide . He wanted to tell him to grab up one of the others and go , but he looked at him , with the sunlight streaming behind him , and didn 't see any blisters . His skin wasn 't peeling back . And he looked … . Well , he looked happy . " The sun isn 't hurting me . I bet it 's not going to hurt any of us . And it feels fantastic . " Crosby looked at his own hands . They were covered in soot but not from his own flesh . Wiping them on his pants , he noticed that he wasn 't blistered either . His skin was just like it was when he was indoors , hiding from the very thing that would end their lives . Looking at the sun , he felt the warmth of it on his face and none of the terror that usually came with being outside . He 'd not felt this good , this warm , for as long as he could remember . " She gave us the gift of sunlight . " Crosby nodded at Jason . " Do you think that it 's only for today ? I mean , if it is , then I want to stay out here all through it . I have never felt the sun before . " No , neither had he . Once , long ago , he 'd felt it for a fleeting moment when his wife had died . It had been in his heart to join her , but the boys had needed him . And the promise that he 'd made to her before her passing had made him go into hiding again . He missed Rena every day . He 'd lost his wife to man . Not a human , but just as bad . There were a few good humans - he wasn 't stupid enough to think that they 'd all come fromtold them no than he could have told himself . Being in the sunlight , while fleeting , was the most fun he 'd had in a very long time . Crosby loved his children . All six of them . They had kept him going these last decades without their mother . He was tired , however . Not just today and how special it had been for them all , but he was tired of living . They no longer needed him , they had proven that to him over and over . Tomorrow night , he decided , he 'd talk to them and tell him of his plans . It was well past time for him to join their beloved mother . Leave a reply Tisha Porter didn 't think she was going to make it . Convinced she would die from her injuries , she left a blow by blow account of what happened to her and who was responsible . The why of it was still a mystery . Thanks to Detective Harlan James , Tisha was on the mend , but she was ready to get out of her father 's house and back into a house of her own . She was anxious to see that recently renovated old Victorian home and buy if she liked it . She wasn 't counting on the stress being too much for her still too weak body . Zachery Douglas was hosting the open house in the old Victorian . They 'd had more than two hundred people tour the house so far which was far more than he expected . And when Tisha walked through the door , he knew what she was to him , and he 'd do anything he had to do to make her his . Spencer Graham had been trying to get a hold of Jason Crosby for weeks , but he didn 't seem to answer emails , mail or the telephone . She had an idea that would make them a great deal of money , but she needed him to invest in her project before it was too late . So , barging into his home at 4 a . m . was the only solution as far as she was concerned . She didn 't , however , expect him to answer the door naked and proposition her as soon as she walked in the door . Spencer did the only thing that came natural to her , she knocked him on his ass … . Jason Crosby was nearly two thousand years old , and in all his days as a vampire , he 'd never seen anyone quite like her , not that he thought that was a good thing . He didn 't . She was his mate , and he was only going the tolerate her because he had to … . The building and surrounding area looked like a crater . The swing set , which may have held eight on it , was a twisted mess that hung from one of the blackened trees about a mile away . The slide was still sitting in its original place , yet barely resembled its former self . The only reason Harlan knew what it was is because he 'd seen his own kids on it . He looked over when someone said his name . " Four dead . We think . It 's going to be a little while before we can sort this mess out . If there were cars in the lot , I 'm not sure how long it will take before we can figure out not just the owners , but if they might have been here last night . Christ , this is a mess . " Harlan asked him if they 'd been able to get a list of teachers yet . " We 're still working on that . I have been able to canvas the damage surrounding this land . There has been one death that is apparently related to this explosion , but we won 't know for sure until all reports are in . Had this been in the city , Harlan , you know this would have been a hell of a lot worse . " " Yes . There are reports of windows blasted out eight miles from here . And I heard that one of the deaths was a man who had been on the street in front at the impact time and was killed by the blast . Is that the one that you 're talking about ? " Richard nodded . " As you know , had this happened only about ten hours later , there would have been children here , and a lot more bodies . " " We have narrowed down the center , we 're pretty sure . The city planner brought by the blueprints like you asked for , and he 's looking things over and thinks he knows where the epicenter is . Second grade room , as near we can tell . " Harlan wasn 't able to go to the area just yet ; the fire department was going over some of the wreckage to make sure that the fires were out . The bomb squad had left about half an hour ago . " The three bodies that we 've recovered here so far are two men from the janitorial service and a woman . No ID yet on the latter . We think it might have been the prin " Whoever this person was , they wanted this building gone , and didn 't care who was inside of it . It had a switch on location , meaning that it was set off by a simple movement or a lid being removed , so it mattered little to them when this thing went off . I would say that it more than likely was triggered by opening whatever it came here in , which I 'm thinking cardboard at this point . The others all depended on the main larger bomb , causing enough power to set them off as well . They were on a tumbler - like set off . Once they were moved , hard , they would blow . " Harlan asked him how long something like this would take to set up . " Hours . Maybe a few days . The person would have had to have access to the building , and no one to question what they were doing here . A good sense of the size , layout , as well as how much explosive material to use to get this sort of devastation . " " So whoever it was , they were known to those that work here , you 're thinking . I mean , the staff here , they didn 't have any issues with this person being in and out of here , so they could have pretty much done this without anyone having any clue . " Richard nodded . " This is some sick shit , you know that , right ? In another few hours , there would have been over four hundred people in this building , mostly kids . And then nearly seventy teachers and other staff . " " Don 't forget buses of kids that were being held to drop off at the higher grades , parents here dropping off little Jimmy for his first day , and any of the other hundreds of people that might have been passing by when this went off . " Harlan moved through the debris and other mangled things while they talked . " I heard that you 're having trouble locating two of the teachers . You think they might have been here too ? " " I hope to Christ not . Also , we did hear from the cleaning service . There were not three here , but six , to get the building ready for the first day . So far we 've had no luck at all trying to figure out if they showed up for work or not . The teacherssaw that the glass nearest the handle had been broken inward . Calling in backup , he was told to wait . It was then that he saw the blood . " I can 't wait . I can see that someone is hurt . Going in . " Instead of letting the dispatcher tell him to wait again , he muted his phone . He could be fired for it if this turned out to be nothing , but right now , he just didn 't care . As he made his way into the house , he noted in an abstract sort of way that it was neat . Not in a cleaned up sort of way - though it was that too - but more like this person did not care for clutter or fluff . Straight lines and hard surfaces were on everything , including the cushions on the chairs in the kitchen . It was also expensive , like this person spent all their money on their things , as they had no children or pets to muss it . Making his way to the living room , he could see the difference immediately . This was a room that was used ; comfort nearly screamed at him . The noise to his left gave him pause . He wasn 't in a good place in the house … the hallway he was in was not only open at both ends with rooms coming out from each side , but there were two doors that were opened in front of him , one on the right , the other on the left . But when he heard it again , he moved forward . " This is the Nevada Police . I 'm armed and have backup . " He heard the sirens getting closer and peeked quickly into the room to his right . Nothing . " Ms . Porter ? Can you hear me ? " " Yes . " He thought he heard her answer him but wasn 't sure . " I 'm dying . I 'm alone . " Relief was short lived when she cried out . " She hurt me . " Entering the room at the end , the doorway that spilled into the hall , he nearly backed away . The woman lying in a pool of blood looked as if she was indeed dying . Her body was not only covered in a great many of what looked like knife wounds , but she was beaten up as well . Moving closer , keeping his gun out , Harlan called for an ambulance . " I 'm Harlan James . Are you Tisha Porter ? " She nodded , then passed out . He could sthirty this morning , Alex had left . The facts in - between those times , he knew , would haunt him for years to come . By the time the ambulance arrived , he 'd called in a report on what he 'd found . Then he told his boss what she 'd written down about the other teacher , as well as having someone sent to her house to find the woman . Alexandra Grace was going to have a lot of explaining to do . ~ ~ ~ Randall moved through the hospital trying to figure out where he was to go . The nurse at the front desk had told him twice how to get to the operating area , but he was hurting in his heart so badly he only half remembered . When he saw two police officers , he made his way to them . " I 'm looking for my daughter , Tisha Porter . " The officer nodded at him and then took him to a man dressed in a dark suit . " My daughter , someone said that she was hurt . Tisha Porter is her name . She 's a teacher . Second grade . They all just love her . " " I 'm Harlan James , Mr . Porter . I came in with her . " Randall felt his knees simply give out on him . If Harlan hadn 't been there to catch him , he was sure he would have fallen . " Come on over here , Mr . Porter . We 'll talk while we wait . " " She loves teaching those children . I saw in the news that the entire building was blown up . I never got much from the man who called me . " Harlan said it had been him . " Was she in the building ? " " No . We found her at her home . That 's where we 're thinking she was hurt . Someone broke in . " Randall tried to think of why someone would harm his little girl . " She was beaten , and cut up pretty badly . The doctors here are doing all that they can to save her . You have a very smart and brave daughter , Mr . Porter . She 's helped us a great deal in this . " " That 's my baby . Always knew she was the best . I spoke to her just last night … I think it was the night before . It 's hard to think so much time has … . I had just called her to tell her to have fun with her first day . I teased her about her room being … . " He paused , trying to reme " She 's all I have in the world . Since her mother died , Tisha has become my whole world . I just saw her last weekend , and she was telling me how she 'd gotten all these nice learning tools from a shop online . And now this . " Harlan told him they were doing their best . " If you need anything , a kick in the ass to the mayor , you let me know . I 'll pull some strings and get you more manpower if you need it . You just let me know . I 'll get it for you . " " I think we have it for now , but I 'll keep that in mind . We 're working round the clock now , so I hope to have answers in a few days , if not sooner . " Randall nodded and Harlan stood up . " I 'm going to have someone at her room until we find this other person . And if you 'd be so kind , I 'd like for you to have a guard as well . Right now we don 't know the reason that any of this happened . So to be on the safe side , I 'd like to protect you as well . " " I have my own bodyguards . " Randall nodded to the hall where they were and the three men standing there . " Nothing will get past these men unless I tell them or they 're dead . If it will free up some of your men , I can assign them to her room as well . To be honest , sir , they 'll be there anyway . If you 'll agree to it , then nobody will get their underwear all tightened up by them being there too . " " I 'll let you know . " Randall nodded then was left alone . Making his way down the hall , he told Burt , his right hand man , what was going on as he sat in one of the most uncomfortable chairs he 'd ever been in . He also told Burt to set up some people on the inside for her safety . " You have it , sir . And may I suggest that we bring in that buddy of yours ? The retired agent ? He could be a little more help even from the sidelines . " Randall nodded . " Very good , sir . Have they told you how she 's doing ? I mean , more than you were told on the phone ? " " No . I 'd very much like it if you can run a check on any doctors and nurses she has contact with . And there is a person of interest that tto help himself , he tried to calm his nerves and heart . All he could think about was his daughter . Tisha had been born later in his life , he 'd been nearing forty and his wife just shy of that . Had anyone asked , he would have said they were happy being childless . They had money , a great deal of it , and traveled , and pretty much did anything that they wanted . Then Rachel had gotten pregnant and Tisha had come along . Randall was pretty sure until that moment he 'd not lived at all . Hadn 't taken a good breath of air , nor had his heart beat so well until he looked into the most beautiful pair of blue eyes he 'd ever seen . His baby girl , Tisha Randall Porter . She 'd been the best baby , and an even better child . No temper tantrums were ever thrown , nor did she give them a hard time about things . Of course , he 'd made sure that she had everything that she wanted … even if she only gave something a passing glance , he 'd get it for her . Until the day she turned seven . " I want to get a job . " He only nodded at her , indulging her even though he knew she 'd never have to work a day in her life , if he could help it . " My friend , Emma , has a job . And her grandma pays her for doing the dishes too . Not the pots and pans , but her pretty dishes she serves tea on . " " Tisha , I can give you money if that 's what you want . I have no problem with it . " She told him no , she wanted to earn her keep . " Honey , you don 't have to earn anything . We 're very wealthy . " " So are Emma 's mommy and daddy . And she has her own pocket money that she can do whatever she wants with and not have to ask . Why last month , she took me to get an ice cream soda , and no one knew about it but just the two of us . " Randall wondered just how much this other little girl was teaching his daughter . " I want to do this , Dad . You want me to be smart like you ? And know the value of money ? " " I do . And I 'm pretty sure that you have a good handle on the value of money . " Then she gave him that look . It wasn 't a pouty one , like most litAnother note to his list of things she 'd found out for him . As they went over her books , he was astonished not only at much she had learned by talking to the staff , but how much she 'd managed to save up as well . One hundred dollars just by doing odd jobs for those that worked for them . " All right , let 's see how you spent your cash , shall we ? " Randall had already had it in his head to get her a real ledger , as well as some colored pencils . It was the way that he 'd been keeping track of his earnings for years . Not only did he love seeing the numbers all lined up in neat rows , but when he had gotten a computer and it did the adding for him , he still found himself using his old tried and true method . " I 've put a computer on layaway . I had to have Molly help me with that . They 'd not sell me one at my age . I think it 's ridiculous that there has to be an age limit on learning , but now that it 's there , I pay on it every week and she takes it to the store for me . " Randall told her he 'd purchase it for her . " No , Dad . I 'm doing this on my own . " After an hour of going over everything , he 'd needed to find a quiet place to think . She had not just opened his eyes to his staff , but to the fact that she was not a baby any more . Randall would only admit this to himself , but he 'd had a good cry over that fact , and still got teary when he thought of it . " Mr . Porter ? " Dragging himself from his thoughts , he stared at the man in front of him for several seconds before he could think where he was . " Mr . Porter ? I 'm Doctor Fitzpatrick . I 've spoken to the police just now , and they told me that I could bring you up to date on your daughter 's surgery . " Randall sat up straighter in the chair and waited for the news . " She 's in grave condition , I 'm afraid , but I have hope that she 'll pull out of this . Tisha is young and in very good health . While she 's lost a great amount of blood and has had some pretty extensive wounds to her body , I think she stands a good chance of coming out of thin later and replace bone with metal in her hand , but for now , we have her in a hard cast to prevent her from doing more damage . " " Any internal injuries ? " The doctor nodded , then looked at him when Burt asked . " Was there brain damage ? What ? " " There is no way to soften the way I tell you this . Her abdomen was crushed , pelvis broken , and the fallopian tube on the right side was destroyed . Her womb was injured as well , to the point where it had to be removed or risk infection . As for her brain , we don 't yet know what sort of damage is there . After she wakes , if she does , we 'll be able to better determine where to go after that . " Randall felt his body just go limp . The words ' if she does ' were too much . His mind simply said this is too much , and he embraced the darkness where his little girl was safe in his dreams . Leave a reply Emma Hudson wanted to get this over with . Her father had left her in a jam , and the sooner she dropped off his duplicate trucker log books to the Harrisons , the sooner she could get back to work and try to clear her name . Trucking was all she knew , and she was tired of it . Liam Harrison watched the pretty little thing climb into her truck to get the books , but when she slipped and fell back into his arms with a life - threatening cut on her arm , he knew two things : she was his mate , and she would die if he didn 't convert her right now . And when a string of rest stop murders brings an old vampire friend back into the family 's fold , he informs them Emma was next . It was time to park the truck . They all knew that Emma 's father would come sniffing around to try to swindle her out of more money , it was just a matter of time . But how far would he go to get what he wanted ? Riordan Harrison can 't believe it . Everyone is pissed at him and he doesn 't see what the fuss is all about . All he did was tell the woman that she was his mate . He couldn 't help it that his tiger caused him to pin the woman to the counter and she proceeded to throw him to the ground and cover him with sticky pastries . Now , no one will talk to him , including his secretary . He hasn 't claimed the woman yet , and it is all seeming like it 's more trouble than it 's worth . Storm Browning , Stormy to her friends , is a wounded war hero . She 's done her duty and just wants to live a quiet life ― run her little bakery without any hitches . The majority of the men she commanded in the war had been shifters so she wasn 't surprised when the big oaf sniffed her out claiming that she was his mate . But that doesn 't mean she has to agree with it . What else could she do ? He had to go . He 'd hightail it and run anyway when he saw her scars ― they all did . She couldn 't emotionally handle that , not again at any rate . But if Riordan is going to get back on everyone 's good side , he 'll have to make peace with the woman . Even though he thinks he 's innocent , he 'll go for a visit and maybe apologize , but after he gets there things go from bad to worse . Stormy is targeted for assassination and he 's in the line of fire … . Cormac Harrison , Mac to his family and friends , has a good thing going . He has a brand new home , a successful business , and is truly happy with the direction his life is heading . Andi Collins can 't seem to catch a break . The last time she 'd encountered her father , she 'd ended up in the hospital . Now , Stormy Harrison , is giving her a break and helping her get back on her feet . So when this big handsome man tells her that she 's his mate she 's scared to death . Mate . She 'd heard the term before . And what it meant . She would belong to him . Not just him , but whoever he wanted to sell her to . Andi reached for the door handle , thinking that rolling from a moving car would be better than being passed around like a napkin at a banquet hall . " Don 't do that . " He reached for her hand just as she touched the handle . " Please , just listen to me and I 'll explain . " " I don 't need you to explain . I know what mate means . My friends at school , they told me what happens when you become a mate to men . And what they didn 't tell me , my father and aunt explained the rest . Mates use you , and then when they 've had enough , they pass you around to all the other men they know . I won 't have it . " The car suddenly stopped . Her seatbelt cut into her neck , and she nearly hit her head on the dash it stopped so abruptly . Nikki Neal was damn good at her job . As an undercover cop , she had just about enough information to put the local crime boss away , but she needed more to make it stick . But when someone blew her cover , Nikki found herself on the wrong end of several guns . Aedan Harrison was on the fast track to winning the Governor 's seat for the state of Ohio . He had his whole life , or at least his immediate future , planned out . What he didn 't need was a mate he hadn 't made plans for throwing a monkey wrench into the mix . The last thing Nikki needed was an overbearing jackass ordering her about , and telling her how much he didn 't need her in his life right now . Well , she didn 't need him either . She had work to do and needed to get herself and her grandda to safety . It didn 't take long for Aedan 's family to convince him in the error of his ways , and when he saw what he 'd done he felt like an ass . All he wanted to do was make it right , but could he grovel enough for her to accept him ? Brooke Rickson had been working the pottery wheel and pulling clay with her great - grandfather almost as long as she could remember . Her work was famous even though no one really knew who she was . She preferred it that way and had become a recluse since her great - grandfather died . He had left her everything . Mac Harrison loved rare pottery , and when he landed two tickets to the big art show he was thrilled . He could get his prized Rickson pottery piece appraised and get to see new work at the same time . He brought his brother , Darcy , along for the ride . When Darcy caught Brooke 's scent , he knew he 'd found his mate . Unfortunately , the beautiful recluse made no bones about telling him that she was alone and liked it that way , and that no man was barging in and taking over her orderly life . She was living her life just the way she wanted it and that didn 't include taking orders from a man - any man . He could get that thought right out of his head … . Liam loved the house . He walked through it once more , just to be sure that he wasn 't feeling something that wasn 't there . Nope , he thought to himself , he loved this place . Trying hard not to show how much he did , he walked around the big empty living room once more to calm himself and his inner cat . There wasn 't any point in giving away his happiness before making an offer . " This room alone is nearly as big as the house that I live in . " The realtor smiled at him . " What do you think , Mr . Harrison … is this a place you can put down roots ? " " I 'm not sure . " He thought that he sounded like he was bored and had to take a deep breath before continuing . " The kitchen needs to be redone . I mean , from the studs . There are going to be issues with the furnace and with the air conditioning as well before too much longer . Also , I think I saw rat droppings in the garage . " Which he knew wouldn 't be a problem once he moved in . He 'd bet by now , there wasn 't one within ten miles of the place . Him being a tiger tended to take care of that sort of thing . He asked her what the selling price was again , knowing full well what it was . " The house hasn 't been lived in for about four months … I believe that 's the time frame . And before that , I do believe that they had the place exterminated . If you 're seeing droppings , I 'm not sure where they came from . But the bank is very motivated to sell . They 're asking four hundred , but I think I can get them to go a little lower , but not too much . I do know that the house needs work . Like I said , it 's been empty for a few months while things were settled . " Liam nodded . He knew just exactly why it had been sitting , and that it had been a good deal longer than a few months . " I can go in at a lower price , but I believe they have multiple offers so I 'd not expect too much . " " All right then . Thank you for your time . " She took his hand when it was offered and Liam made his way to the door . " Wait . I don 't understand . Did you want me to make an offer ? Are you done with the house ? He told Storm that he was . Good . I think you should stop by our house . There is a large vehicle , and that 's an understatement , in the drive , and the person in it is asking for you . Not nicely , I might add . Hudson is her name . Why is she … ? You know what , I don 't care . She 's the woman that I was telling you about on the deal with Whites . She said she had some information on her father maybe picking up the loads that they 're missing . Any luck finding Mr . Hudson , by the way ? Storm told him she was still looking . He really fucked her over . Not the only one either , from what I 've been able to find out . But he did royally fuck her over with her job . She had a good rep , as you said , and he 's really taken her for a ride . Lost her house , car , as well as her savings trying to keep herself out of jail . I 'd like to find this fucker myself . Liam said that he would as well . She 's currently at her truck , walking around it . I don 't know why , but I kind of think that she 's had enough of the open road for a while . She looks beaten . Liam made a left to go to his brother 's home , and smiled when he thought of the temper of the woman , Hudson . When he 'd spoken to her last night - well , earlier that morning - he 'd been sleep confused , but hearing her voice and what she had to say had him getting up and going back to his computer . He was going to find her father if he had to do it on his own . The rig was parked in the long drive to his brother 's house . The woman was circling the back end , the place where the big trailer was attached . He watched her for several minutes as she moved around it like a little monkey , checking the lines and lights as she went . When she jumped down , she stared at him as he did her . Christ , she was beautiful . " Liam ? " He nodded at her question . " I was close enough to bring them to you , and I 'm not so trusting of the postal service on something like this . I need them back , so you know . I might need them should Daddy dearest come back for some more o " You 're cut deep . I have to heal you . " He heard Riordan caution him , but he was losing her and had to do something . As soon as she fainted , he shifted . The roaring in his head was making him sick . They were losing their mate and neither of them were happy about it . His cat whimpered but knew what to do . As soon as he licked the wound closed , tasting her blood as he did so , he seemed to realize at the same moment that she was too weak , that they 'd waited too long . Growling at the couple that were too close to them , his cat bit deeply into her belly , tearing it open as he did so . " Hurry , Liam . You 're going to lose her if you don 't . " He knew that and snarled at Storm , and she laughed . " Just trying to help . I 'm assuming that she 's your mate . " Yes . And I don 't want to hear you making fun of me just yet . He was pissy and wasn 't sure why , but he bit into her leg . Holding his mouth deep in the wound , he looked up at his brother . Riordan was afraid for him , and Liam didn 't feel any better about this . I have a feeling she 's not going to be thrilled when she wakes and finds out what I 've done . " More than likely not . But it was that or she was dead . I can hear her heart picking up , can you ? " He told him that he could . " Just a few more minutes now and you should be able to release her . I 'll take her inside and put her in the bedroom that you use when here . " Thank you . Riordan nodded and called to someone on the porch to bring out some blankets . Riordan , she 's got some pretty horrific memories in here . Mostly about her father . He took her for everything . And left her with living in this truck . " I know . I read the report Stormy found . When you release her , go in the house and shower and change . Once you are settled , I 'll bring you what we 've been able to find out . Also , Marcy Cochran called about the house . She wants you to make a reasonable offer . " Liam let the young woman go , but he wasn 't ready to leave her yet . Her heartrate had picked up and he could see the wound at " The courts went by the books on this . There is no fault according to them . She had to sell her house as well as her car , which wasn 't a new one but all she had , when the trucking dealership wanted all their money . The truck is still missing , it appears . " He asked if her father had it . " I 'm thinking not . I don 't know why , but I think he sold it for the money , and someone else is driving it that knows about trackers and such . Might be wrong , but I think that 's it . We have the LoJack information , and since we can 't find it that way , we 've come to the conclusion that it 's been taken out . Also , you know it is against the law . " If she thought that , then it was more than likely true . " I told Ennis not to worry about rushing now . I told him what happened , but not that she is my mate . " " He knows . So do your parents . " He asked her how that had happened . " Riordan was covered in blood when they showed up , Hudson 's blood , and your mom sort of freaked out . He had to tell them . " " I guess . I 'm trying to figure out what to tell her when she wakes up . " The woman on the bed stirred and he watched , sure that she was going to wake a great deal sooner than anyone would have expected . " I have to help her out . Of all of this . " " Liam , can I ask you a personal question ? " He just looked at her . " Okay , some of it I know . Like where you have some of your money invested . How much the books say you 're worth . But what is it you do ? I mean , I know you work for the family business when they need you , but that can 't be all that you do , is it ? " " I 'm a businessman . " She snorted at him . " Okay , I 'm a very good businessman . I invest low and sell high . For everything . I 'm good at bargaining on things as well . Like the house . I 'm going to get it , but not at the asking price . Then , if Emma doesn 't care for it , I 'll sell it for a great deal more than I purchased it for . " " Why would me liking your house have anything to do with whether or not you sell it ? " He grinned and saidmakes you have to save me . " He said that he would have anyway . " No , you wouldn 't have . Don 't lie to me . " " I can 't . " She nodded and sat up , but he could see that she was slightly dizzy . " You lost a great deal of blood , so you might want to take it easy for a few hours . You should try and drink a lot and have a light - " " Don 't order me around . " He leaned back in the chair and looked at her . " I 'm not … . I know you really didn 't , but I 'm starting to freak a little here . I 'm a fucking tiger . " ~ ~ ~ Hudson laid on the bed thinking about her life and what had just happened . " I don 't know what I 'm supposed to do . " " Me either . " She turned to her back and looked at him . " I 'm not going to apologize for converting you . I could , I guess , but you 're alive , and that 's the most important thing right now . I don 't know anything about you other than what I 've read in the information that Storm got for us when you called me . And you know even less than that about me . What would you like to know ? If anything . " " What was your name again ? " He told her . " All right , Liam . I 'm Emma Hudson , but I rarely go by my first name . I have no idea why , but that 's what they started calling me in middle school and that stuck . I drive cross country . Not as much as I used to , but sometimes I need the money more than I do anything . I had a home , but I had to sell it to pay for the rig that my father stole . Which he did , no matter what the courts say . " " Storm , my sister - in - law - and so you know , you met her when you came here - she doesn 't think he has it anymore . " She nodded , thinking that Storm had some good connections . " Your load you have now , you mentioned that it was a back run . Does that have to go out today ? " " Not today , but soon . I have to have it about six hours from here by noon tomorrow . " He leaned back in his chair . " What about me being a cat ? I mean , I can sort of feel something inside of me . What does that mean ? " " She 's letting you know that s " Yes . We feel that way as well . I 'd very much like it if you were to go with me to the house that I 'm thinking of buying . If it doesn 't suit you , then that 's fine as well . I have a place that I live in , it 's an apartment , if you 'll come stay with me for a time . " He cursed and she laughed . " There 's this big deal of a wedding next weekend . My brother Aedan is getting married . They 've been living together for a little while , but this wedding is going to be epic , I guess . " " Why ? " He told her how he was the governor of the state and that he was looking into becoming the president someday . " Wow . Your family , they have big plans . " " They do . We all do . " She nodded . " What is bothering you , Emma ? Is it something that I can fix ? Or do for you ? " " I 'm assuming that you all have money . " He nodded but didn 't say how much , which she thought was a good thing . " My father will get wind of this . Not that I 'm a cat , but that I 'm with someone with money , and he 'll come sniffing around . He 's not stupid , but he can play a person and get what he wants . No matter the cost to them . " " He can do that if he wants . But he won 't get away with it this time . I can promise you that . Nor will he hurt you , mentally , physically , or financially . " Hudson wasn 't sure , but she was almost afraid for her dad . " Will you take my hand ? Please ? " " What will that mean for us ? " He said that it would only be him taking her to the kitchen for food for now . " I feel something for you . I 'm not sure what it is , but I trust you . I want to be with you . Is that the cat in me ? " " Yes , for now anyway . I hope that later , you as a woman will feel something for me as well . We mate for life , and quickly . " She still wasn 't sure about this , none of it . " I want to take this slowly . I think it would benefit us both if we started out fresh , like we 're dating . I know that we 've gone beyond that , with me converting you and having this connection , but even my cat is okay with us doing it this wThere was a thick roast beef sandwich on a wonderfully fresh roll with lettuce , tomatoes , pickles , and onions . A bowl of french fries covered in a tomato sauce that was spicy as well as sweet . A large glass of the best tea that she 'd ever drank . She was just finishing off the last fry when June , the cook , asked her if she wanted peach or cherry pie . Hudson nodded . " Well , good for you . I have ice cream too should you want that . I 've not been to the creamery yet , so it won 't be homemade . " Hudson told her that she loved her . " Thank you , child . I 'm so glad to be cooking for the household again . The mister and missus have been away more than at home of late , and I 've missed it . " " You can cook for me whenever I 'm home . " Her face heated up . " I 'm sorry . I don 't know where I 'm going to be living or what the plan is . But this is the best meal I 've had in ages . And fresh pie too ? Well , I could easily kiss you for it . " After she ate both pieces of pie without the ice cream - she didn 't want to seem too piggish - her and Liam went to her truck . It was locked up , but as soon as she opened the door , she could see that someone had cleaned up after her . She asked Liam about it . " I had a friend of mine come over and fix the bent metal . He also put a new handle on for you . Then his wife - she 's the new alpha bitch for the wolf pack that roams our land - she cleaned up the rest for you . I think she was quite impressed with how much storage you have in there . " She told Liam it was necessary when she was gone . " I don 't imagine that it helped that you lost your house . " " He took me for a great many things . But my house was the most painful . " Climbing into the truck , she watched him walk around to the other side and get in . He commented on how roomy it was . " Yes . My dad complained a great deal about how crowded it was for him . And you 're much bigger . But he would have complained about it even if it had his recliner and a big screen television in front of him . " She showed him aroThis entry was posted in amazon , Amazon B & N I Tunes , book , Books , Dark Fantasy , erotica , Giveaway , Release Day , Romance , Tigers on May 15 , 2017 by Kathi Barton . Cooper : The Manning Dragons Release Day & Giveaway Leave a reply Cooper Manning and his five brothers were true dragons . Centuries ago , when the humans had turned on their kind , their father sacrificed himself to save his sons by casting a powerful spell which allowed them to walk among the humans . Even centuries later , Cooper couldn 't seem to let go of the past and despised most humans . Carson Langley was exhausted . After being forced to work thirty - six hours straight , she unwittingly complained to the new plant owner , now she knew she was fired . There was nothing left to do but go home and cry about it later . Cooper was sent by his brother to retrieve the helpful woman and bring her back to the plant , and he wasn 't happy about it either . It didn 't help that when she answered the door she shared his sour mood , and when he touched her hand , the magic that surged between them meant only one thing - she was his other half , and she was human … . Cooper was seeing red . Mature Audience Only ! Explicit sex scenes and language . Domlen Draglen does not follow any rules except his own . He does not want to be like his brothers , but his need to find the lady his mother predicts to be his mate has become his focus . He wants to find her and prove his mother wrong so he can go back to his normal life . The only problem is the mouthy , curvy she - wolf interests him , but she 's not his type or is she ? Tempest Shellin wants to prove that she can be essential to her pack . When the drop dead sexy dragon shows up for her , she didn 't know if she should laugh or cry . To save her pack she agrees to his rules , but soon finds out Domlen doesn 't play fair . Will this Domineering dragon and mouthy she - wolf find love or will they allow traditions to keep the apart . " I 'm afraid there is no hope for us . " No one made a sound as their leader continued . " Since the humans found out about us and what we can do , we have been doomed . I 'm so terribly sorry . " Coop looked around the room . There were so few of them now that he could easily count them . When he 'd been younger , thousands of years ago , there wouldn 't have been enough space for all of them to share this room . Now they were down to a quarter of them sharing the space because so many , his own wife included , had been murdered so needlessly . Coop was saddened by it all . Turning to leave the large cave , he was stopped by his brother , Xavier . " The boys , they are well ? " He nodded and smiled . Coop felt it all the way to his heart , a place that had been dead for so long , it seemed . " You have the spell ? You are going to use it on them ? I so wish I had thought of this before my own family was taken from me , Coop . You are a brave man and a good father . " " Thank you . And I shall use it tonight . It is the only way to save them . " Xavier nodded , his own heart heavy with the losses they 'd suffered . " You know that I would have shared should I have had it sooner . I 'm so sorry , brother . All of my heart , it 's sorry for you . " " I know that . I do . But they 're all gone now . My other half , my children . Killed for things that are not fair to our kind . " Coop knew that all too well . " Aria was a good woman , Coop . A good woman and mother to your sons . She will be missed forever . " " Aye , in my heart and those of my sons . " Xavier stood there for several seconds and Coop told him he must go . " They 're awaiting word on what is to happen with us all . " " One more thing , if you please . It won 't take but a second . I have left them all that I have . It is where you keep them hidden away , the boys . Deep within the cave , it 's all there . " Coop asked him what he meant . " I cannot go on , brother . I cannot . There is too much grief in my heart for me to live . I have left my things for your children there . TheyWhen his eldest son came to him , his eyes full of fear , Coop knew that it was well past time that he did what he 'd been practicing . The magic that would keep them safe . Gathering his sons , six of them in varying shades of blues and greens , he asked them to have a seat , that he had a story to tell them . It wasn 't a story , not truly , but a tale that would hopefully keep them safe . " A witch told me once of a great magic that only few can do . It takes a loving heart and a strong dragon to make it work . I have asked her and she has told me how to make it so . This magic , it will keep you all safe from the humans . " They nodded , each of them knowing that it was a human blade that had taken the life of their dear mother . " I will perform this upon you , each of you at the same time , and give you some magic that you will use when you need it . This magic , strong and powerful , will let you roam with the humans , and they 'll not know that your true self is just below your flesh . " " You mean we 'll be humans as well ? " He nodded , then shook his head at Cooper , his oldest . " I don 't understand , Father . Will you explain ? " " Yes . The magic that I will give you will let you change into your true self when you are alone . But when you are out in the world , you will need to be a human . A man . " Cooper looked at his brothers , then back at him as he continued . " With this magic , I will also give you a gift . Something that you will need to keep yourself safe should they find out . A stronger armor than any other dragon before you , as well as the same immortality that you have now , as man or dragon . " Hudson stared at him for long moments . He was the thinker , and if he could think of a reason for this not to work , he would voice it loudly . He was much like his mother in that . She would be the first to say when she did or did not like something . And the first to say that the plan was perfect . He only hoped that she would have approved of this . " I think you are very smart , Father . To try and keep us safe . But I can " I am already , Cooper . Forever . " The others nodded too . They were ready for this , as much as he was dreading it . Because once he started the process to change his sons into men , then he would begin to die . It would take all that he was to change them . Standing up , spreading his wings out behind him , Coop told them about the things that their uncle had left them . They knew where the family jewels were , the things that their mother had left them as well . Once they were standing , their bodies strong and healthy , he felt his heart swell and break for what he was about to do . " I , Cooper Manning , of the Manning Dragons of the earth , give to my sons , Cooper , Hudson , Lincoln , Lucas , Tristan , and Xavier , all that I am . Each of you will take a part of the earth with you when you are converted . The part of you that is unique in all ways will be strengthened and enhanced . You will be immortal , forever , and those that you take to your heart will be as well . " His sons bowed before him when he told them to . He said the words over them that would change them to men . Coop could feel his body shutting down , his heart beating a little less . But he had one more thing he wished to bless them with , and held himself upright to give it from his own dying heart . " One day , true love will come to you . And you will have more than you 've ever known . It will fill you in ways that you cannot ever imagine . Love will be yours for all times . For only then will you become a true dragon , a Manning dragon . " ~ ~ ~ Cooper sat with his brothers while their father lay dying . Coop 's heart was weak from what he 'd done , and it was tearing him apart . Father was weak , yes , but he continued to tell them tales of their mother , of their adventures when they were only small dragons . They were going to be alone soon … their father was so close to joining their mother that it hurt Cooper in ways that he hadn 't expected . " What shall we do with his body ? " Cooper looked at Tristan and asked him what he meant . " He will not be able to lie here . " We will survive if we stay here . " Cooper told Xavier that they 'd have to leave here eventually . " To feed and to fly , yes . But perhaps we could do that only at night . To keep to the skies and not let them see us . " " They know we are about and will have spies out looking for our lairs . We will have to kill any man that comes for us , and still we will not be safe . We are , after all , dragons that have a great deal of magic . " Coop stopped breathing . Cooper didn 't hear his father 's heart , and knew that it was at an end . He was quiet for a bit longer , waiting , hoping for just one more beat , one more sound that would mean he was still alive . But there was nothing . Their father was dead . Sitting up , he told his brothers that Coop had passed from this world into the next . None of them had ever seen a dragon die before . Their mother had been dead when they found her . Each dragon that they 'd come upon when they were out had been dead long before they found them , their bodies stripped of every part of them so that they resembled less of a dragon and more like a pile of bones that had been cut up . Dragon 's scales were used for roofs for humans ' homes , and for shields . The very meat of them was roasted and stored away so that it could be used for medicines and potions . Their hearts were cut up and dried , then ground into a powder for the humans to use to keep them from sickness , as well as magic to have a grand garden and trees heavy with fruit . The only part that would be left was the bones , and sometimes even those were carried off and used for something . Cooper hated all humans . " We will do as suggested by Hudson . It is the only assured way that we can - " Before he could finish , he felt the stirring of the earth . It shook so hard that it knocked each of them off their feet . As they lay there , terrified that someone was coming for them , their father appeared before them . His body was still aground . But instead of dark in death , he was brilliant in light . Faeries , thousands upon thousands of faeriebody . Faerie ropes were all around him … strings of magic wrapped around him like a cocoon that made him invisible to all . As Cooper stood there , his brothers beside him , he knew that , like him , they mourned the loss of yet another parent . " You are the eldest ? " He nodded to the faerie when she asked . " We have a gift for you . For all of you , but you will receive the most . Your father was a great man , your mother a queen among her people . We wish to bestow upon you all that your father had . " " My brothers , they will need it as well . I should like to share . " She smiled at him and bowed . " What have you done with his body ? " " He is being prepared to be moved . We will make a grand garden upon him . Flowers will be there for all to see , but only few will know that a dragon is there with his other half , his love . " He nodded . It was as it should be . " You will take this gift ? You will share , but as I said , you will get more than the others . " " I don 't care . Please , just do what you must so that we can hide . " She nodded again and touched her fingers , small tiny ones , to his forehead . Then she did the same to the others before coming back to him . " It is done ? You have shared it with us ? " " I have , Lord Cooper . But you must leave here now . There are humans coming . The magic that we used to do this thing has given them cause to come here . " He nodded and looked at the ground where their father had been . " He is safe . Just as your mother is now . Go , before they find you here and murder you as well . " He thanked her for her help and left . The exit from this part of the cave was hidden so well that only they knew about it . As they made their way into the night , he thought of the human inside of him , and the pain of it took his breath away . In seconds he was down on his knees . Whatever was happening , he was surely going to die . " You 're a man . " He looked up at his brothers as they began to change into men themselves . " We 'll be safe now , all of us . We 'll be humans for them until we can fThis entry was posted in amazon , Amazon B & N I Tunes , Book One in series , Dark Fantasy , Dragon Series , erotica , Giveaway , Release Day on May 1 , 2017 by Kathi Barton . Evan : The Whitfield Rancher Release Day Leave a reply Dylan Hutchinson lived and breathed Army , and she 'd been under cover so long she 'd forgot what it felt like to be a civilian . But the last mission took a turn for the worse and not only was she hurt , but she 's been informed that she could no longer do her job . It 's either a desk job as a recruiter , or she 's out . Evan Whitfield didn 't have to work , but he loved his job as a surgeon . And when as his tiger he found an old man wandering in the woods with Alzheimer 's and confused , he wanted to help the family . The family had a daughter in the hospital too , and they were struggling . Evan thought the daughter might be not as sick or hurt as she claimed to be , so he took it upon himself to check her out . Evan was surprised to find that she was not only hurt worse than they claimed , she was also his mate . For a doctor , Dylan thought Evan was dense . What part of go away didn 't he understand ? She wasn 't the mate or marrying kind . Her life was over , not beginning . He needed to just go away … . The hay bailer was working the last two rows when Evan saw his dad riding his big bay horse toward him . Blake and Adrian , two of his brothers , had already been cut loose , and he was fixing to do the same to Joshua and David , his other brothers . He and Adam could handle this last bit , so he told them to head on back to the house before Dad got there . " He looks like he 's got something on his mind . I 'm betting it has something to do with that trip he made today . It 's not like him to go to town unless one of us is with him . " Nodding at Adam , Evan watched as Dad dismounted and made his way toward them . " Are you staying for supper tonight , or heading back to town ? " " Town . I have to work in the morning . " Dad asked him if they were about done . " Yes , sir . Adam and I are going to see to this before we put the tractor in the barn . Adrian said he 'd clean it for me after supper . " " You not staying ? " He told him the same thing he 'd told Adam . " I don 't know why you don 't just quit that job . I know that you 're good at it and all , but I 'd sure like to see you more than once a week , and that has you rushing off again . Come home , son . For good . " There was a bite to his voice , as if he was really pissed at him . Evan let out a long breath , picking up the next bale that had come from the baler . Whatever was bothering his dad , he was sure it had nothing to do with his job . " Dad , I 'm thirty minutes away . Less if I need to hurry . And me working was what I went to college for . And I love what I do . It 's rewarding to see how my work is making a difference . You know as well as I do that you have more than enough hands around if you need them . " His dad nodded but didn 't say anything else . " Everything all right ? " " Yes . Why wouldn 't it be ? " Evan only shrugged . His dad was in a mood , and while it wouldn 't last long , he could be a bear until it was over . " Your grandpa is coming for a visit . I guess he went and talked to your mom and they set it up . I was in town earlier picking him " He wants to go over his will . " Well , that was something . No one liked to be made to realize that they were as mortal as the next . " I 'm not ready for that . I just … . We just buried my mom , and I don 't want to talk about him leaving too . It 's too much . But when I said that to your mother , she got all huffy with me . " " She got huffy or you got huffy ? " His dad said he might have started it . " Mom loved Grandma too . I 'm betting she no more wants to do this than you do . But I can also understand why Grandpa wants to do this . It was a mess when Grandma died , and she had everything all written out for the funeral director and all . " " No will was properly made out . I know that , I surely do , but it 's just too soon . What am I gonna do if something happens to him too ? " Evan hugged his dad and told him he had them . " Yes , but he 's my dad . And … well , I don 't know what I 'm going to do . You know ? He 's always been there , him and Mom . And to think that he 's making these plans … well , it just breaks my heart . Upsets me so that I get angry about it . I 'm sorry , I am , but he 's my dad . " " Maybe if you just let him do this , then he 'll start to get better . You know as well as I that he 's been in a bad way . Not that I blame him . I know that I would be as well . But if he feels like things are settled , then perhaps he 'll start to come out of this depression a little more . " His dad said nothing . " Dad , I don 't know what else to do . He 's going to do it , no matter what we try to say . " " What if he 's doing this because he has plans to join Mom ? I mean , like right now , instead of waiting until his time comes along ? I 'm afraid , Evan , that is just what he 's planning to do . This might be his way of getting things settled , as you called it , before he does something really stupid . " Evan had actually thought of that but didn 't want to mention it to his dad . " I can 't lose another parent . Even as old as I am and knowing that he 's getting up there , I just can 't lose him . " Grandpa , Dad . Maybe if we show him how much we need him around , he 'll rethink whatever it is he 's got going on in his head . " " I 'd like that too . I know you have to go back to work tomorrow , but I wish you 'd reconsider coming home for good . It 's not like you need to work , Evan . I really miss you . And I know that your brothers and mom do as well . " Evan didn 't say anything . There was nothing for him to say . He had to work or he 'd go nuts . " You think on it . Maybe you can take some vacation time out and see what you 're missing here . " " I know what I 'm missing . I think about it every day . " They got off the hay and helped the hands put it in the barn . In a few weeks they 'd have to go to the other field to do the same thing there , but for now they had enough to keep the few cows they had and the horses fed in the colder months . And to sell to the other ranchers around them when they ran short . Evan loved his family . He enjoyed being with them , talking to his brothers about nothing much at all . And the open fields that he could roam alone or with them . But he needed to be away too . Needed his own space , his own things . If he did quit his job and came home , his mom and dad would expect him to live at home again , as most of his brothers were . Not that it wasn 't nice being all together , but he needed quiet sometimes . Grandpa was at the house when they came out of the barn . He was still looking lost , not that Evan didn 't blame him . Evan saw a lot of death in his job . Being a surgeon was not meeting people in the best of circumstances . His family might drive him nuts at times , but they were his and he loved them . Hugging Grandpa , he followed him to the mud room to clean up . Grandpa didn 't say anything , but Evan knew he had something on his mind . " You still being a doctor out there in the city ? " He said that he was . " I was wondering if you 'd do me a favor when you go back . I need something notarized , and I 'd like for you to drop me at the bank when you leave here . If you don 't anything to live for . " You have us . Dad and Mom too . We 'd have no one if you were to do this . " " I hurt . " Evan told him he didn 't know the pain he was feeling , but understood . " She kept me in line . Helped me through the day just by loving me . And I tell you right now that she made me feel like I was the king of the world with just her smile . I miss her so very much . " He sobbed then , holding onto Evan as he did so . Evan felt his own eyes fill with tears , and when they fell over his cheeks , he held his grandpa all the tighter . Grandma had been there for all of them . She 'd been the one that he could go to , for anything . And now she was gone and Grandpa wanted to join her . Dinner was a somber affair . No one , it seemed , was in their usual jolly mood . Even Blake , who could liven up any seating , was quiet . Evan helped his mom clear the dishes , and the rest of them cleaned up the kitchen . Grandpa joined them just as they were putting the last clean pot on the hanger . " Buy it from me . One of you boys , you should buy my house from me . " They didn 't move , not even to look at one another . " I will make you a good deal . I can 't … . I was thinking of moving in with Oliver here , and I would love for one of you yahoos to have the house . " " You move in with Dad and Mom , and I 'll buy it . " Evan had no idea why he said that . He didn 't need a house any more than he needed to work . " You promise us that you 'll move in here and behave yourself , then I 'll buy your house . " " I don 't want to behave myself . I want to … I want to run in the woods . Have some … . You six should make me a great grandpa . I 'd surely have something to do if you were to do that . " Each of them groaned and Grandpa laughed . " You promise me that you 'll be on the outlook for yourself a mate , and I 'll try and keep myself in a better frame of mind . " " Deal . " All of them put out their hands after making the promise . If that was all it took , a promise , then Evan would do it . As for the house ? He didn 't have a clucoming home because she 'd been hurt badly and had to leave the service . He could tell him , but Dad wouldn 't remember it . " I 'd like to have fish for dinner tonight . You go ask your momma if she can whip me some up . " Norris nodded . " Then we should go for ice cream . You got those good grades , so we should celebrate . Didn 't you , boy ? " " I 'd like that . We 'll go after supper , if you still want . " Dad got up and made his way to his room . In a few minutes , he 'd come back out and ask Norris where his bed was , and he 'd have to show him . Alzheimer 's sucked . Several years ago his dad had been a little forgetful . Slightly disoriented at times too . Nothing that worried them much . His dad was brilliant , and had always had trouble remembering simple tasks unless he wrote them down . After his wife passed , he became worse … his inability to remember to put on shoes or wear a coat had gotten him put in the hospital with a cold that had turned into pneumonia . Then they started noticing him being forgetful of who they were , and most of the time he would remember things that were well in the past . Then he 'd begun to wander off . It was then that Norris had found out that his dad was slowly losing his ability to do a great many things . Like living alone and keeping his own house . Meals were skipped because he couldn 't remember if he 'd eaten . Bedtimes were overlooked because he didn 't remember where his bed was . Things like that and more had gotten the doctor to declare him unfit to live on his own . He 'd been living with them since then . Not that he didn 't enjoy having his dad around . But lately , just over the last few months , he 'd been getting away from them . Running off without telling anyone where he was going . And sometimes the police had to help them find him . His dad was having more and more bad days all the time . It was putting a strain not just on Norris 's health , but his finances as well . When Norris 's wife Stella returned from grocery shopping , he checked on his dad before he went tdidn 't know where it had happened or how she 'd been injured , nor did he know to what extent her injuries were . But he knew that she was lucky to be alive , and that was all that mattered to him . For now , anyway . " When did they say they 'd be here with her ? You probably told me , but my mind is a little fuzzy . I 'm so tired , Norris . I shouldn 't have stayed up so late watching that movie . " He laughed and told his wife that it was supposed to be Friday . " Good . We 'll be there when they land . Then we 'll go to the hospital with her . I miss her so much . " He did as well , and had for a long time . Dylan was their only child , and she 'd been a delightful little girl who grew up into a wonderful grown up . At seventeen she 'd joined the army , and soon after she made it through boot camp , she 'd been picked to be trained for special jobs . He knew that she was covert , but anything else had been kept from them , to keep them , and especially her , safe . Over the next ten years they 'd seen very little of their daughter . She was forever rushing off for one thing or another , her job keeping her away for longer periods of time . Then about six months ago , a few days before they 'd been notified that there had been an accident , she 'd called him . With the call coming in the middle of the night , he knew something was wrong . " Dad ? " He said it was him and glanced at the clock . He 'd never forget the time . It was one twenty - four in the morning . " Dad , I 'm going to be coming home soon , I 've arranged it . I 'll have a month off . I 'd like for you to do something for me . " " Anything . You name it and it 'll be yours . " She laughed and he could hear the tension in it . " What is it , baby ? Are you all right ? " " No . I 've been … I don 't think I can do this anymore . So much death and pain here now . " He asked her what it was . " I can 't tell you . But I 'm done . I want to come home and make a life . After my R & R , I 'm going to muster out . I want a house . A yard of my own . I want things to be normal . her was she able to speak . er body was too broken to do much more than just heal . orris made his way out to the back of the house and sat on the deck . is baby was coming home , and he doubted very much anything was going to be normal for her again . Norris ? " e looked up at his wife when she said his name . Norris , I can 't find your father . e was resting not ten minutes ago , and now he 's gone . " is body tensed up and he stood . ad could have gone anywhere in that little time . he man was like a magician when it came to escaping their notice and getting into trouble . alling the police to tell them what had happened , he began walking the streets . is dad would only be able to tell someone where he lived if he was having a good day . nd his dad 's good days had been few and far between in the last several weeks . ost everyone knew him , but there were a few that didn 't . Did you find your dad , Mr . Hutchinson ? " e told the officer that he 'd not about an hour later when he drove up behind him . I have all our men out looking for him . ou should go and talk to Mr . Whitfield like I suggested . im and his boys , they 'd sure be able to find him a good deal faster . " I know . 've been meaning to , but my daughter … she 's coming home soon . " fficer Petty told him that was wonderful as he stopped the cruiser and got out . She 's going to be spending a few weeks in the hospital , but she 'll be home soon enough . " You 've had a rough few months , Mr . Hutchinson . ut having Hutch home , that 'll take some of the burden off you and your family . he was always one to depend on . " e only nodded , knowing that she 'd be depending on them a great deal now . e 'd not been able to tell anyone anything because , frankly , he didn 't know anything . I 've got my men out looking for him , sir , like I said . e 'll find him for you . " e hoped so . hile it wasn 't cold out , still summer yet , he did worry about his dad taking a tumble into something and not getting out . r wandering into so " Yes . nd Bennie is still one of them . swear to you , if you make him wet his pants again , I 'll … I 'll … . " he laughed hard at his lack of a threat . He 's a good kid , Dylan . hy do you dislike him so much ? " He 's not a good kid , Dad . e 's a bully and a fucking prick . ut I 'll be good if he does . ow , what did you get Mom ? " y the time they 'd gotten to the mall , both had been having a good time . hen they went into the jeweler 's , she 'd offered to pay the difference on the watch he 'd gotten for her mom . I got it . hat did you get her ? " he only shook her head and told him not to guess . You did get her something , didn 't you ? " I got you both something . " orris had seen her stiffen up and turned to see Bennie behind him . Hello , Bennie . " Well , well , well . f it 's not the terror of Washington street . ome for good , this time , Dylan ? r are you headed back to out of country ? " ennie made those quotation signs with his fingers when he asked her about the country . Me and the boys , we think you 're just in prison . girl like you , that 's where you belong . " Dad ? " e hadn 't wanted trouble , not then or now , but there really was something simply mean about Bennie today . nd after that , he 'd noticed it a great deal more . Dad , I 'm doing what you asked , but it 's not easy . " You shoplifting , Dylan ? s that what you learned in prison ? r , I 'm sorry , in the army ? " ennie reached for her , and even standing there beside her , Norris hadn 't seen her move . efore he could tell her to go for it , Bennie was on the floor screaming to be released . You 've fucking broke my hand . " he laughed and told him she 'd not . You have . can feel it . " No , I didn 't . only stopped you from touching me . owever , I can break it if you want . " orris told her not to just yet . All right . ut I did try to be good , Dad . e started it . " He did . saw it . " he police were called and she was asked to let the mall cop go . fter several witneThis entry was posted in amazon , Amazon B & N I Tunes , Book One in series , Dark Fantasy , erotica , Release Day , Tigers on April 17 , 2017 by Kathi Barton . terling : Calhoun Men Release Day & Giveaway Leave a reply Marty liked her life just fine . She was alone in the world , and waiting on tables would get her by until she finished college , but the girl she was training wasn 't working out . And the girl got her fired - now what was she supposed to do ? She needed that job to survive . Sterling Calhoun 's encounter with the she - devil was over , but the nightmares still lingered . The only thing that helped him deal with the nightmarish pain were his paintings . And through is Grandda he met Marty , his mate , but Sterling hadn 't been himself for a very long time … . Marty knew a few shifters , so she knew what it meant when Sterling told her she was his mate . Oh , hell no , this guy had to be nuts , the " mates " she knew were a strange lot , and she didn 't want any part of it … . I BOOKS Coming Soon Johanna , better known as Joe , had been a day walker for her only friend , Noah , for centuries . An immortal with eight hundred years under her belt , she had become proficient in several languages and occupations . When her friend Noah talked about meeting the sun , she had every intention of following in his path . Joe had only gone to the Calhoun 's office to catch a ride to the estate . When she entered , it took her breath away to see the younger man on the floor and no one doing a damn thing to help him . Trent Calhoun had forgotten how to have fun . Diving into his work was what kept him happy . At 33 he had no life , so when he had a heart attack , his doctor said to change his ways or else . When the gorgeous woman stumbled into his hospital room , Trent thought his dad was up to his old tricks again ― that was until he caught her scent … . Now , because of his wolf , he 's face to face with an angry vampire … . Noelle was in somewhat of a pickle . She had researched the Calhoun firm ― Elijah Calhoun in particular ― before she made the appointment , but she was having second and third thoughts about hiring the firm after she got there . All her research indicated she could trust them , but big men scared the hell out of her , and the place was full of them . Elijah had been running a tad late for work , so his brother Trent took his first appointment . Elijah never dreamed that the woman he had an appointment with was his future mate … and she needed his protection . Noelle 's stepfather wasn 't their only problem . Elijah 's brother Sterling 's nightmares had gotten worse and somehow the creature that had marked him was controlling his actions as well … no one was safe … . Chloe Davis was giving up . She thought for sure the owners of the computer shop she worked for were responsible for her father 's death , but in all the time she 'd worked there she 'd not been able to find enough evidence to prove it , so as far as she was concerned she was out of there . Her boss , George , on the other hand had other ideas . As far as he was concerned she wasn 't going anywhere … by force if necessary . Scott Calhoun was just trying to help his grandfather get the young woman to safety , the last thing he expected was for her to be his mate . And he wasn 't happy about it either . Scott was a Dom , and he liked his sex hard and rough and his women submissive … this woman was a spitfire , and he was pretty sure he 'd scare her off with his demands … . As far as he was concerned he was a deviant , not mate material . But when Chloe and Scott come together , they both find more than they expected … Scott has finally met his match . Now , if everyone would stop trying to kill them , they might live long enough to enjoy each other . Alta set a plate full of food in front of him , and Sterling stared at it before looking up at her . She 'd been with him for nearly four months now , and he was sure that he was about as fattened up as he was going to get . She smiled at him and told him to eat . " I 'm thinking you 're either fattening me up for a huge dinner , or you think I 'm still skinny . First , I 'm not Santa , and second … . Well , second , I 'm not that hungry anymore . " She patted him on the cheek and walked away as he started putting butter on his pancakes . " Did I tell you that I 'm supposed to host Christmas this year ? I haven 't any idea why I got volunteered . I guess I should pay more attention when they 're all talking . " " They do love to talk , your family . " He nodded as she handed him a platter of bacon and sausage . " Randal is coming . I think he should be here any second . " The back door opened and there stood his brother covered in snow . He was brushing it off his head as he was telling Alta that he could eat again . When he sat across from him , stealing one of his pieces of bacon , Alta gave him pancakes as well . " Mom sent me over . And Grandma wants to know if you have enough decorations for Christmas . " He said he had some . " I 'm also supposed to tell you that once you 're ready to start with the decorations , you 're to call Mom . She said don 't forget . Wanna go shopping with me ? " " No . I have work to do , and Noelle has a list of things she needs me to pick up as well . I guess she 's been making some pretty good deals with a few vampires that Noah knows . " Randal finished his breakfast before he did , which didn 't surprise Sterl . He didn 't have live - in help and no one cooked for him . " Why did Mom send you here ? " " Mostly to make sure that you 're eating well and that you 're not lazing around the house . I haven 't any idea why she thinks that , but she told me to see about you . And I think she 's still pissed at Grandda . He should have known better than to be late for dinner on Friday . " They ← Older posts

Leave a reply Dr . Gabriela Nola , Gabe to everyone , hadn 't been in town long . Kenton McCade was looking for a partner in his practice , and she was hoping to fill the spot . A nice small town beat the last hospital job she 'd just recently quit - 90 hours a week with a shorthanded staff . She just wanted normal , and the voice in her head to stop already about opening the box and wearing the item inside . Dalton McCade knew when he heard the dragon 's voice that he was next on the list , and ready or not his mate was coming . According to the dragon , she was already here and had refused to put the combs in her hair . But as always , danger followed the jewelry , and Gabe was no exception . The mysterious stranger would have all the pieces for his own collection , and didn 't care who he had to kill to get them . Emma Gentry felt like she was losing her mind . From the time she had picked up the pretty ring to examine it , she 'd been hearing a voice in her head . When she ran from the demolished building , she 'd slipped the ring on her finger so that she wouldn 't drop it , now she couldn 't get it off . She was in dire need of medical attention , but the voice wouldn 't let her stop to get help . There were others looking for the ring and would kill her for it . Emma was on the run . Kenton McCade was the doctor in the family . When found Emma in his office treating a badly infected wound on her leg , he had to help her . The infection had spread and she was near death . Kenton and his brothers were dragon shifters born without the ability to shift into their other half . The magic , it seemed , lay dormant in a sleeping dragon that was tied to six pieces of jewelry . When the ring found its way to Emma , her touch had woken the sleeping beast . When Emma touched Kenton 's sigil on his chest , he shifted to his beast for the first time . But the beast from the ring would not be complete until all the jewelry found its way to their rightful dragons … . Emma was still on the run … they need her to survive … but Emma trusted no one … Buy Link https : / / www . amazon . com / gp / product / B01C7E371A / ref = series _ rw _ dp _ sw Jasmine Tyler was wishing she had never found those earrings in that box of junk she bought at auction . They were so pretty , and the dragons had so much detail , that she simply had to try them on . That was the biggest mistake she 'd ever made . Once they were on they weren 't coming off . And those men in the black SUVs meant business . She 'd hand the earrings over or they 'd kill her . They 'd more than likely kill her anyway even if she could get the damn things off . Now she was on the run with her young son , Gavin , and her ailing granny . A voice in her head that started when she put the earrings on was directing her to find the McCades . The dragon had told Kenton and Jorden McCade that another piece of jewelry had been activated , and the boy that had just come into Jorden 's studio was her son . The dragon didn 't know which brother she was mated to , but she had sent the boy and her granny ahead to keep them safe . Now , another attempt had been made on her life and she was in a hospital an hour away . The cop at the scene had been in on it , and Jasmine found herself in a pickle . She 'd been drugged and there wasn 't a thing she could do about it . Her body hit the floor by her hospital bed and she was looking into the lifeless eyes of her nurse . As soon as Jorden scooped Jasmine up off the floor and her earring touched his skin , he knew that this woman was his . The earring left a brand , marking them both . He couldn 't be happier about finding her , now to convince her to stay was going to be the problem … . Harper Bailey was in way over her head , and the trouble just seemed to keep coming . Her brother - in - law had frozen her personal accounts , and now she was on the run because she wouldn 't do as she was " told . " She had been told to abort the baby . Harper hadn 't wanted the baby she had been forced to carry in the first place , but now that she 'd felt life , she would protect the child with hers . Grady McCade knew that his mate had been found when she touched the piece of jewelry . The dragon had told him that if he didn 't hurry to her side , she would be found by the dragon slayers and her life could be ended as well as the life of the babe that she carried . With Grady and Harper together , the dragon grows stronger , and the slayers pick up the pace in their quest for all the pieces of jewelry . Can the McCades stop them before they strike again ? Are any of them safe ? Find out in The McCade Dragon - Grady There were no words that he could say that would make this any different . Dalton watched as the casket , a beautiful bright wood , was lowered into the cold earth . His friend , mentor , and sounding board had died eight days ago . Howard Short simply went to sleep one night and didn 't wake . And it broke Dalton 's heart . " Dalton ? " He looked at Melinda , Howard 's wife , when she said his name . " Will you say a few words , please ? My brother - in - law just can 't . He 's devastated , as we all are . " " Yes , of course . " He stood up and made his way to the podium . So many people were here today , paying tribute to a wonderful man . Dalton thought of his friend and what he could say about him . Smiling , he thought of something that Howard would have gotten a kick out of . " Howard could be a jackass when he wanted . " Everyone laughed , just as he 'd hoped , even Melinda . He continued speaking about Howard as if he 'd just stepped out for a cold beer . " When we were on a stakeout or even out fishing , he 'd tell me of the time he was in the academy . Of course , I didn 't believe half the crap he told me . But this one story , I think , sums him up better than anything I could say about him . " Dalton looked at the casket , then at the people there . " He 'd been in the dorm for about two weeks , he 'd told me . It wasn 't going as well as he 'd hoped . I think he said that of the three classes he was in , he was flunking out of three of them . " Another round of laughter . " Back then , if you weren 't cutting it , Howard told me that they 'd come to see you , help you pack up your things , and send you on your way . He wasn 't ready to give up , he told me , and he didn 't think that they should be just yet either . " As he was debating on whether or not to open the door when his time came , he had an idea . Howard told me it wasn 't a good idea , but he 'd been down and was sure under other circumstances , he might not have done what he did next . He opened the door and told the men standing there that Howard Short had left . After he was finished , he stood still as the guns were drawn for the salute and fired . Dalton cried then , his pain of loss too much for him to hold in any longer . And when the service was over , he made his way to Melinda again and hugged her . She too had become a very important part of his life over the years . " You 'll come to visit me , won 't you ? " He told her he would . She was leaving today , to live with her son in another state . " He loved you so much , Dalton . Like his own son . " " I loved him as well . He 'll be sorely missed . " She nodded and left him there . Dalton could have gone to stand with his family , but decided that he was fine where he was . He watched as the dirt was filled into the hole much like the one in his heart . But his would never be filled . Going to the after reception at the newly remodeled homeless shelter , he didn 't speak to many people . There was food , he supposed , that he could have eaten , but like his heart , his belly wasn 't ready for anything right at the moment . Instead he just found a dark corner and sat in it until he felt it was a good time for him to go home . My lord . He wanted to sob . Dalton didn 't want to answer who he thought was talking to him . It could only mean one thing , and he didn 't want it . Not today , perhaps not ever . My lord , your mate is coming . " Tell her that I 've got a lot going on at the moment and I 'd prefer that she didn 't . " Caelin said nothing . " Where is she and what does she have ? " The hair combs , my lord . And I don 't think it 's possible for her not to come . She is on her way now . But I must tell you that she hasn 't put the jewelry to her flesh . I 'm not at all sure why just yet , but she is aware of me and is coming this way . He asked what the combs did for the wearer . She will have blood that will heal all that she touches , her heart will be stronger still than it was before . Her name is - " No , don 't tell me . I mean , I know that I 'll have to know sooner or later , but for now I 'd like to just not know . " Caelin You are without a job , sir ? He told him that he might well be . I don 't understand . I thought you enjoyed being a good cop . Whatever has … ? Is it the death of your captain ? " He was my sergeant , but yes , because of him passing away , I don 't think my heart will be in this anymore . I might … never mind . If she can support me , I think I might just make furniture in my garage until I turn up dead one morning . Or I 'll run off and never return . " Dalton realized then that she was out of work too . They were starting off great , he thought . Two unemployed people with a huge house , no car , and nothing to show for their hard work . When Vance sat down beside him , he asked him when he 'd gotten in . " Two days ago . I 've been working on some things . " Dalton nodded . " Rumor has it you 're the next big cheese around here . You gonna be sheriff now , Dalt ? " Vance had been the only person who called him that . It mattered little to him that Dalton had asked him not to call him Dalt … he had continued over the years . Dalton asked him where he 'd heard that rumor . " Because that 's all it is , is a rumor . I 'm not going to take the job . In fact , I was seriously thinking of quitting altogether . " Vance told him that he 'd not enjoy retirement any more than he would . " Caelin just told me that my mate is here in town . " " Really ? I 'm assuming that it 's the pretty little doctor at the B & B then ? " Dalton didn 't want to ask about her , but he found that he wanted to know . " Yes , she is pretty . Tall … not quite as tall as you , but close . Blonde hair that I assume is long . Dark eyes . I 've not seen them as yet close up , but I 'd say they were blue , like midnight blue . " " You know a great deal about my mate , Vance . What have you been doing , spying on her ? " He nodded . " Whatever for ? You think she 's some sort of murderer or something ? It wouldn 't surprise me . Not at this point . " " No , but she has baggage . " Dalton just stared at him . " Her job , where she worked before , they really have a hard - on whatever that might be . He did wonder if he could go work for him for a bit , just to figure out what he wanted to do with the rest of his life . " I guess I should just wait for her then . I mean , I don 't want to seem like that odd stalker guy . " Vance said he had no idea , but thought that was a smart move . He knew less about women than Dalton did , apparently . " Whatever you do , I 'm sure that it 'll be either wrong or not enough . I know nothing at all about women . " Dalton looked at his brother . He was clean but his pants were army issue , his shirt a dark tee , and his boots - ass kickers , he called them - had seen better days . Vance kept his hair military short and neat , and he seldom had a beard . Dalton asked him why he didn 't wear … well , regular people clothing . " I wear what I want , when I want . " Dalton laughed . " Look , whether you go and see her or not , you should know that she 's polite , generous with her time , and like you , she wears what she does right out there for everyone to see . " He asked him what that meant . " You are a cop , Dalt . Even a blind man could tell that . And they 'd not even have to see the badge . Same with her . She 's a doctor , a good one , and people know that when they first see her . " Dalton sat there long after Vance left , trying to figure out what to do . He could have , he supposed , just walked over to meet her , but he had a feeling that would have been a mistake . He was sure that he could talk to Kenton too , but decided that he 'd get enough grief from him without adding to it . Instead , he went to his truck and drove home . Dalton was going to enjoy the next few days he had off , and not worry about mates , dragons , or men looking for jewelry . ~ ~ ~ Gabe walked to the diner . She 'd come to love the little place , what with the strange way they served their meals and the nice people who worked in and frequented the place . As she made her way inside , she knew which seat to sit in , which to avoid . When she sat in the booth with the unforgiving spring , she moved to the windhopefully the house that she 'd been looking at was ready to be rented . Things were going quite nicely for a change , and she was as rested and as happy as she 'd ever been . " Oh lordy . " Gabe looked up when she heard the shout from the kitchen , then Milly saying " Oh lordy " over and over . Getting up , she ticked off all the things that could go wrong in a kitchen , and was afraid that Milly had been hurt badly . As soon as she entered , she put her fingers in her mouth and let go of a shrill but effective whistle to shut the few people in the room up . A dishwasher was wearing the nastiest apron she 'd ever seen and dark gloves on his hands . Milly was standing there wringing her hands . A man , who she assumed was the cook , was lying on the floor with a large knife sticking out of his belly , his hands covered in his own blood and his eyes wide with terror . Gabe let her mind take over on what to do . " Milly , call the police and have them send an ambulance . " She 'd learned the first day that there was no one manning the nine - one - one service just yet . " Then I want you to get everyone out of here while I fix this . " " The knife , it just slipped up . " Gabe nodded and told her she had it . " He 's surely gonna bleed to death , and Kenton , he won 't make it in time . " " I 'm a doctor as well . I 've got this . Just do what I told you . " She made her way to Cook . If he had a name , she 'd never heard it . " I 'm Gabe . If you 'll allow me , I 'll see if I can help you . " " I think I 'm a goner . The knife , it 's stainless steel but it 's in me . " She told him as long as she was there , he wasn 't a goner . " I wasn 't paying no attention is what I was doing . Thinking of my boy and what we was gonna do when he was a mite bigger . Now I won 't see him . " He was getting weaker ; the arm that was holding him up slipped out from under him and he fell back to the floor . Gabe got her first look at the wound . He 'd cut his belly to his intestine , the knife still inside of him . Turning to the person who 'd " Uncle Kenton is on his way . He said for you to do what you needed to do and he 'd assist when he gets here . " She wasn 't sure how that conversation had happened but said nothing to the young man . " I told him what I could . " " You can … . You 're not human . " He told her he was but Kenton wasn 't . " I see . Right now I have more important things to do than to figure out what he might be . This is what we need to do . Christ , there is never a vampire around when you need one . " The laughter made her smile . It was one thing to scare the kid to death over something like this , but making him see humor wouldn 't give him nightmares too . As she moved the towels around the blade , all she could think about was that he might be right … Cook might die . When Kenton showed up , his black bag in hand , he asked her what she needed . It both surprised and impressed her that he didn 't just come in and take over . For the next twenty minutes , he handed her what she wanted and helped her when necessary . The impromptu surgery room wasn 't the best , but it was going to be good enough to save this man 's life . The medics , a couple of young men who she assumed were friends of Kenton , stayed back until they were ready to transport him . It wasn 't long after Kenton showed up that they were able to say that they 'd done the best that they could for the man . The rest was going to be up to the surgeon . Gabe rode in the ambulance , Kenton beside her . The medic rode in front with the driver , so in the event that they needed to , they 'd have room to work . As they worked together , she and Kenton , Cook came around once to tell Kenton to watch over his son for him . " You 're going to make it , Gerald . " She nearly asked who that was when the cook nodded . " The good doctor here , she got you all put back together , and once we get you to the hospital , she 's going to remove that knife you got stuck in you and you 'll be as good as new . But you have to believe us , Gerald . You know as well as I do that if you give up on her , Sand " You 'll learn . Gerald is a wolf . There is a lot of pack around the area . Nearly seven hundred now . The people who own the B & B where you 're staying , they 're bears . Milly is human , but she 's married to a cat . " She asked him what his family was . " My brother is a cop . He 'll be meeting us at the hospital . He has to fill out a report for insurance purposes . Milly owns the place , and while she 'd never tell anyone this , she 's fallen on some hard times of late and can 't afford this hit to her bank account . " " She needs to fix up the place . Expand a little , and for the love of all that is holy , get some better seating . " Gabe didn 't point out that he 'd not answered her as to what he was . She figured that he either didn 't want her to know , or it was so bad that he didn 't want to share . " I 'm looking for a house . One that is ready to move into . I don 't want to have to fix something up . " " We have a few . We 're here . " Just as he said that , the ambulance made a hard stop . Had she not been holding on , she would have fallen out of the door when it opened . The man standing there in a police officer 's shirt and jeans did not look happy . " Dalton , this is my new partner , Gabriela Nola . Gabe , this is Dalton McCade . We 're dragons . " She was halfway out of the back of the ambulance when Kenton spoke . Gabe felt her breath swoosh out of her and her heart simply stop beating . She knew they were speaking , arguing really , but nothing was getting through . Not air , not sound , not even blood was running in her body . Then the pain , like someone had slapped her , registered a split second before the world around her just disappeared . Leave a reply Spencer Graham had been trying to get a hold of Jason Crosby for weeks , but he didn 't seem to answer emails , mail or the telephone . She had an idea that would make them a great deal of money , but she needed him to invest in her project before it was too late . So , barging into his home at 4 a . m . was the only solution as far as she was concerned . She didn 't , however , expect him to answer the door naked and proposition her as soon as she walked in the door . Spencer did the only thing that came natural to her , she knocked him on his ass … . Jason Crosby was nearly two thousand years old , and in all his days as a vampire , he 'd never seen anyone quite like her , not that he thought that was a good thing . He didn 't . She was his mate , and he was only going the tolerate her because he had to … . The woman in his arms was weak . Crosby wasn 't sure that she was going to make it , not the way she 'd been burned . As soon as he laid her on the soft earth , she opened her eyes and looked up at him . Crosby felt his heart skip several beats . My goodness , she sure was a pretty little thing . " The others ? " He told her that his sons were getting out as many as they could . " Thank you . The house , it just exploded into flames . We had no time to get out . " " We caught him . " She frowned but let her eyes flitter to a close . Asking her if she was all right enough for him to leave her for a moment , she nodded . Crosby went to the house to help his boys . They had no way of knowing how many faeries were in the house . A few of them had died , whether from smoke inhalation or fire . They pulled out as many as they could , dead or alive , and laid them on the ground . Soon there 'd be nothing left of the building , but he didn 't want to leave anyone behind if he could help it . The faeries , even the smaller ones , were worth any kind of pain they might get from the hot flames to save them . " They 're all out , so far as we can tell . We 've made an area over there for the dead . The ones that can be saved are being helped by the others . " Jason , his oldest , dropped to his knees . " I don 't think we missed anyone , but it 's burning too hot for us to go back in . I 'm sorry , Dad . " " We did the best we could , son . You have to believe that . That house , it went up fast . I 'm thinking that the man who did this , he knew what he was about . " He glanced over at the woman he 'd brought out . She was resting , which he was glad for . And her body seemed to be healing slowly . " I think she 'd be the one in charge . If she 's awake , ask her how many were in the place , please . " Jason stood up just as the rest of them were coming out of the falling down building . Just as the last of his boys came out , the entire thing fell down behind them . Grayson jumped back when his shirt caught on one of the embers . Luckily , Elliot was able well , it was over almost as soon as we got here . " She nodded . " I 'm sorry about your family , miss . There was no cause for this . " " You said that he 'd been caught . Is he … did you kill him ? " Crosby told her that he was dead , yes . " Thank you for that . Had he been able to get away , I fear that he would do more of the same to my kind . I wish to repay you . " " No , that won 't be necessary . I know what you are and what they were , but we 've no desire to take anything else from you . You have lost enough , my lady . " She nodded and Crosby introduced her to his sons . " This is Jason , my oldest . Then in order of birth to youngest , it 's Chase , Elliot , Grayson , Ryan , and the youngest is Sean . This is the Lady Kilian , the faerie queen . " He was proud of his boys , all of them men now but still his little boys . As they shook her hand he spoke of them , just little things that he was happy to share with her . How they 'd been taking lessons from the neighbor lady to learn how to sew and knit . Things that men should know how to do in the event of an emergency . How Sean could do some doctoring if necessary , even on a human . All notes of the pride that Crosby felt for his sons . When she turned to him , he could see that she had completely healed and was feeling like herself again . She looked at the dead and injured . " The man who did this , he was out to kill all of us . " Crosby said that was about right . " Had you not come here when you did , he would have succeeded . By killing me , without someone to take the place of the queen , all faeries would have perished . And you know as well as I , that would be the death of a great deal of magic . " " We only came to help out the people living here , miss . We would have done the same for anyone . " She smiled at him . " You 're very beautiful , my lady . I 'm glad that we could save you and the others . I 'm sorry that there wasn 't more time for us . We 'll help with the dead , should you wish . As I said , it won 't be any trouble at all . " " You have given the worldshould be after a simple thank you gift . Every inch he crawled toward them , it felt as if he was taken several feet back . Christ , he was going to die right there . " Dad ? " He nodded at Jason as he got to his knees too . " I 'm sick . I mean , I feel like I need to puke and my legs are weak . What did she do to us ? " " She said it was a gift . For saving her and the others . Doesn 't feel that way , but that 's what she told me . " Jason cursed as he stood up on his wobbly legs . " We have to get to shelter . Can you get the others going ? " " I 'm not hurt . " He looked at Sean , who was standing with his arms wide . He wanted to tell him to grab up one of the others and go , but he looked at him , with the sunlight streaming behind him , and didn 't see any blisters . His skin wasn 't peeling back . And he looked … . Well , he looked happy . " The sun isn 't hurting me . I bet it 's not going to hurt any of us . And it feels fantastic . " Crosby looked at his own hands . They were covered in soot but not from his own flesh . Wiping them on his pants , he noticed that he wasn 't blistered either . His skin was just like it was when he was indoors , hiding from the very thing that would end their lives . Looking at the sun , he felt the warmth of it on his face and none of the terror that usually came with being outside . He 'd not felt this good , this warm , for as long as he could remember . " She gave us the gift of sunlight . " Crosby nodded at Jason . " Do you think that it 's only for today ? I mean , if it is , then I want to stay out here all through it . I have never felt the sun before . " No , neither had he . Once , long ago , he 'd felt it for a fleeting moment when his wife had died . It had been in his heart to join her , but the boys had needed him . And the promise that he 'd made to her before her passing had made him go into hiding again . He missed Rena every day . He 'd lost his wife to man . Not a human , but just as bad . There were a few good humans - he wasn 't stupid enough to think that they 'd all come fromtold them no than he could have told himself . Being in the sunlight , while fleeting , was the most fun he 'd had in a very long time . Crosby loved his children . All six of them . They had kept him going these last decades without their mother . He was tired , however . Not just today and how special it had been for them all , but he was tired of living . They no longer needed him , they had proven that to him over and over . Tomorrow night , he decided , he 'd talk to them and tell him of his plans . It was well past time for him to join their beloved mother . Leave a reply Tisha Porter didn 't think she was going to make it . Convinced she would die from her injuries , she left a blow by blow account of what happened to her and who was responsible . The why of it was still a mystery . Thanks to Detective Harlan James , Tisha was on the mend , but she was ready to get out of her father 's house and back into a house of her own . She was anxious to see that recently renovated old Victorian home and buy if she liked it . She wasn 't counting on the stress being too much for her still too weak body . Zachery Douglas was hosting the open house in the old Victorian . They 'd had more than two hundred people tour the house so far which was far more than he expected . And when Tisha walked through the door , he knew what she was to him , and he 'd do anything he had to do to make her his . Spencer Graham had been trying to get a hold of Jason Crosby for weeks , but he didn 't seem to answer emails , mail or the telephone . She had an idea that would make them a great deal of money , but she needed him to invest in her project before it was too late . So , barging into his home at 4 a . m . was the only solution as far as she was concerned . She didn 't , however , expect him to answer the door naked and proposition her as soon as she walked in the door . Spencer did the only thing that came natural to her , she knocked him on his ass … . Jason Crosby was nearly two thousand years old , and in all his days as a vampire , he 'd never seen anyone quite like her , not that he thought that was a good thing . He didn 't . She was his mate , and he was only going the tolerate her because he had to … . The building and surrounding area looked like a crater . The swing set , which may have held eight on it , was a twisted mess that hung from one of the blackened trees about a mile away . The slide was still sitting in its original place , yet barely resembled its former self . The only reason Harlan knew what it was is because he 'd seen his own kids on it . He looked over when someone said his name . " Four dead . We think . It 's going to be a little while before we can sort this mess out . If there were cars in the lot , I 'm not sure how long it will take before we can figure out not just the owners , but if they might have been here last night . Christ , this is a mess . " Harlan asked him if they 'd been able to get a list of teachers yet . " We 're still working on that . I have been able to canvas the damage surrounding this land . There has been one death that is apparently related to this explosion , but we won 't know for sure until all reports are in . Had this been in the city , Harlan , you know this would have been a hell of a lot worse . " " Yes . There are reports of windows blasted out eight miles from here . And I heard that one of the deaths was a man who had been on the street in front at the impact time and was killed by the blast . Is that the one that you 're talking about ? " Richard nodded . " As you know , had this happened only about ten hours later , there would have been children here , and a lot more bodies . " " We have narrowed down the center , we 're pretty sure . The city planner brought by the blueprints like you asked for , and he 's looking things over and thinks he knows where the epicenter is . Second grade room , as near we can tell . " Harlan wasn 't able to go to the area just yet ; the fire department was going over some of the wreckage to make sure that the fires were out . The bomb squad had left about half an hour ago . " The three bodies that we 've recovered here so far are two men from the janitorial service and a woman . No ID yet on the latter . We think it might have been the prin " Whoever this person was , they wanted this building gone , and didn 't care who was inside of it . It had a switch on location , meaning that it was set off by a simple movement or a lid being removed , so it mattered little to them when this thing went off . I would say that it more than likely was triggered by opening whatever it came here in , which I 'm thinking cardboard at this point . The others all depended on the main larger bomb , causing enough power to set them off as well . They were on a tumbler - like set off . Once they were moved , hard , they would blow . " Harlan asked him how long something like this would take to set up . " Hours . Maybe a few days . The person would have had to have access to the building , and no one to question what they were doing here . A good sense of the size , layout , as well as how much explosive material to use to get this sort of devastation . " " So whoever it was , they were known to those that work here , you 're thinking . I mean , the staff here , they didn 't have any issues with this person being in and out of here , so they could have pretty much done this without anyone having any clue . " Richard nodded . " This is some sick shit , you know that , right ? In another few hours , there would have been over four hundred people in this building , mostly kids . And then nearly seventy teachers and other staff . " " Don 't forget buses of kids that were being held to drop off at the higher grades , parents here dropping off little Jimmy for his first day , and any of the other hundreds of people that might have been passing by when this went off . " Harlan moved through the debris and other mangled things while they talked . " I heard that you 're having trouble locating two of the teachers . You think they might have been here too ? " " I hope to Christ not . Also , we did hear from the cleaning service . There were not three here , but six , to get the building ready for the first day . So far we 've had no luck at all trying to figure out if they showed up for work or not . The teacherssaw that the glass nearest the handle had been broken inward . Calling in backup , he was told to wait . It was then that he saw the blood . " I can 't wait . I can see that someone is hurt . Going in . " Instead of letting the dispatcher tell him to wait again , he muted his phone . He could be fired for it if this turned out to be nothing , but right now , he just didn 't care . As he made his way into the house , he noted in an abstract sort of way that it was neat . Not in a cleaned up sort of way - though it was that too - but more like this person did not care for clutter or fluff . Straight lines and hard surfaces were on everything , including the cushions on the chairs in the kitchen . It was also expensive , like this person spent all their money on their things , as they had no children or pets to muss it . Making his way to the living room , he could see the difference immediately . This was a room that was used ; comfort nearly screamed at him . The noise to his left gave him pause . He wasn 't in a good place in the house … the hallway he was in was not only open at both ends with rooms coming out from each side , but there were two doors that were opened in front of him , one on the right , the other on the left . But when he heard it again , he moved forward . " This is the Nevada Police . I 'm armed and have backup . " He heard the sirens getting closer and peeked quickly into the room to his right . Nothing . " Ms . Porter ? Can you hear me ? " " Yes . " He thought he heard her answer him but wasn 't sure . " I 'm dying . I 'm alone . " Relief was short lived when she cried out . " She hurt me . " Entering the room at the end , the doorway that spilled into the hall , he nearly backed away . The woman lying in a pool of blood looked as if she was indeed dying . Her body was not only covered in a great many of what looked like knife wounds , but she was beaten up as well . Moving closer , keeping his gun out , Harlan called for an ambulance . " I 'm Harlan James . Are you Tisha Porter ? " She nodded , then passed out . He could sthirty this morning , Alex had left . The facts in - between those times , he knew , would haunt him for years to come . By the time the ambulance arrived , he 'd called in a report on what he 'd found . Then he told his boss what she 'd written down about the other teacher , as well as having someone sent to her house to find the woman . Alexandra Grace was going to have a lot of explaining to do . ~ ~ ~ Randall moved through the hospital trying to figure out where he was to go . The nurse at the front desk had told him twice how to get to the operating area , but he was hurting in his heart so badly he only half remembered . When he saw two police officers , he made his way to them . " I 'm looking for my daughter , Tisha Porter . " The officer nodded at him and then took him to a man dressed in a dark suit . " My daughter , someone said that she was hurt . Tisha Porter is her name . She 's a teacher . Second grade . They all just love her . " " I 'm Harlan James , Mr . Porter . I came in with her . " Randall felt his knees simply give out on him . If Harlan hadn 't been there to catch him , he was sure he would have fallen . " Come on over here , Mr . Porter . We 'll talk while we wait . " " She loves teaching those children . I saw in the news that the entire building was blown up . I never got much from the man who called me . " Harlan said it had been him . " Was she in the building ? " " No . We found her at her home . That 's where we 're thinking she was hurt . Someone broke in . " Randall tried to think of why someone would harm his little girl . " She was beaten , and cut up pretty badly . The doctors here are doing all that they can to save her . You have a very smart and brave daughter , Mr . Porter . She 's helped us a great deal in this . " " That 's my baby . Always knew she was the best . I spoke to her just last night … I think it was the night before . It 's hard to think so much time has … . I had just called her to tell her to have fun with her first day . I teased her about her room being … . " He paused , trying to reme " She 's all I have in the world . Since her mother died , Tisha has become my whole world . I just saw her last weekend , and she was telling me how she 'd gotten all these nice learning tools from a shop online . And now this . " Harlan told him they were doing their best . " If you need anything , a kick in the ass to the mayor , you let me know . I 'll pull some strings and get you more manpower if you need it . You just let me know . I 'll get it for you . " " I think we have it for now , but I 'll keep that in mind . We 're working round the clock now , so I hope to have answers in a few days , if not sooner . " Randall nodded and Harlan stood up . " I 'm going to have someone at her room until we find this other person . And if you 'd be so kind , I 'd like for you to have a guard as well . Right now we don 't know the reason that any of this happened . So to be on the safe side , I 'd like to protect you as well . " " I have my own bodyguards . " Randall nodded to the hall where they were and the three men standing there . " Nothing will get past these men unless I tell them or they 're dead . If it will free up some of your men , I can assign them to her room as well . To be honest , sir , they 'll be there anyway . If you 'll agree to it , then nobody will get their underwear all tightened up by them being there too . " " I 'll let you know . " Randall nodded then was left alone . Making his way down the hall , he told Burt , his right hand man , what was going on as he sat in one of the most uncomfortable chairs he 'd ever been in . He also told Burt to set up some people on the inside for her safety . " You have it , sir . And may I suggest that we bring in that buddy of yours ? The retired agent ? He could be a little more help even from the sidelines . " Randall nodded . " Very good , sir . Have they told you how she 's doing ? I mean , more than you were told on the phone ? " " No . I 'd very much like it if you can run a check on any doctors and nurses she has contact with . And there is a person of interest that tto help himself , he tried to calm his nerves and heart . All he could think about was his daughter . Tisha had been born later in his life , he 'd been nearing forty and his wife just shy of that . Had anyone asked , he would have said they were happy being childless . They had money , a great deal of it , and traveled , and pretty much did anything that they wanted . Then Rachel had gotten pregnant and Tisha had come along . Randall was pretty sure until that moment he 'd not lived at all . Hadn 't taken a good breath of air , nor had his heart beat so well until he looked into the most beautiful pair of blue eyes he 'd ever seen . His baby girl , Tisha Randall Porter . She 'd been the best baby , and an even better child . No temper tantrums were ever thrown , nor did she give them a hard time about things . Of course , he 'd made sure that she had everything that she wanted … even if she only gave something a passing glance , he 'd get it for her . Until the day she turned seven . " I want to get a job . " He only nodded at her , indulging her even though he knew she 'd never have to work a day in her life , if he could help it . " My friend , Emma , has a job . And her grandma pays her for doing the dishes too . Not the pots and pans , but her pretty dishes she serves tea on . " " Tisha , I can give you money if that 's what you want . I have no problem with it . " She told him no , she wanted to earn her keep . " Honey , you don 't have to earn anything . We 're very wealthy . " " So are Emma 's mommy and daddy . And she has her own pocket money that she can do whatever she wants with and not have to ask . Why last month , she took me to get an ice cream soda , and no one knew about it but just the two of us . " Randall wondered just how much this other little girl was teaching his daughter . " I want to do this , Dad . You want me to be smart like you ? And know the value of money ? " " I do . And I 'm pretty sure that you have a good handle on the value of money . " Then she gave him that look . It wasn 't a pouty one , like most litAnother note to his list of things she 'd found out for him . As they went over her books , he was astonished not only at much she had learned by talking to the staff , but how much she 'd managed to save up as well . One hundred dollars just by doing odd jobs for those that worked for them . " All right , let 's see how you spent your cash , shall we ? " Randall had already had it in his head to get her a real ledger , as well as some colored pencils . It was the way that he 'd been keeping track of his earnings for years . Not only did he love seeing the numbers all lined up in neat rows , but when he had gotten a computer and it did the adding for him , he still found himself using his old tried and true method . " I 've put a computer on layaway . I had to have Molly help me with that . They 'd not sell me one at my age . I think it 's ridiculous that there has to be an age limit on learning , but now that it 's there , I pay on it every week and she takes it to the store for me . " Randall told her he 'd purchase it for her . " No , Dad . I 'm doing this on my own . " After an hour of going over everything , he 'd needed to find a quiet place to think . She had not just opened his eyes to his staff , but to the fact that she was not a baby any more . Randall would only admit this to himself , but he 'd had a good cry over that fact , and still got teary when he thought of it . " Mr . Porter ? " Dragging himself from his thoughts , he stared at the man in front of him for several seconds before he could think where he was . " Mr . Porter ? I 'm Doctor Fitzpatrick . I 've spoken to the police just now , and they told me that I could bring you up to date on your daughter 's surgery . " Randall sat up straighter in the chair and waited for the news . " She 's in grave condition , I 'm afraid , but I have hope that she 'll pull out of this . Tisha is young and in very good health . While she 's lost a great amount of blood and has had some pretty extensive wounds to her body , I think she stands a good chance of coming out of thin later and replace bone with metal in her hand , but for now , we have her in a hard cast to prevent her from doing more damage . " " Any internal injuries ? " The doctor nodded , then looked at him when Burt asked . " Was there brain damage ? What ? " " There is no way to soften the way I tell you this . Her abdomen was crushed , pelvis broken , and the fallopian tube on the right side was destroyed . Her womb was injured as well , to the point where it had to be removed or risk infection . As for her brain , we don 't yet know what sort of damage is there . After she wakes , if she does , we 'll be able to better determine where to go after that . " Randall felt his body just go limp . The words ' if she does ' were too much . His mind simply said this is too much , and he embraced the darkness where his little girl was safe in his dreams . Leave a reply Emma Hudson wanted to get this over with . Her father had left her in a jam , and the sooner she dropped off his duplicate trucker log books to the Harrisons , the sooner she could get back to work and try to clear her name . Trucking was all she knew , and she was tired of it . Liam Harrison watched the pretty little thing climb into her truck to get the books , but when she slipped and fell back into his arms with a life - threatening cut on her arm , he knew two things : she was his mate , and she would die if he didn 't convert her right now . And when a string of rest stop murders brings an old vampire friend back into the family 's fold , he informs them Emma was next . It was time to park the truck . They all knew that Emma 's father would come sniffing around to try to swindle her out of more money , it was just a matter of time . But how far would he go to get what he wanted ? Riordan Harrison can 't believe it . Everyone is pissed at him and he doesn 't see what the fuss is all about . All he did was tell the woman that she was his mate . He couldn 't help it that his tiger caused him to pin the woman to the counter and she proceeded to throw him to the ground and cover him with sticky pastries . Now , no one will talk to him , including his secretary . He hasn 't claimed the woman yet , and it is all seeming like it 's more trouble than it 's worth . Storm Browning , Stormy to her friends , is a wounded war hero . She 's done her duty and just wants to live a quiet life ― run her little bakery without any hitches . The majority of the men she commanded in the war had been shifters so she wasn 't surprised when the big oaf sniffed her out claiming that she was his mate . But that doesn 't mean she has to agree with it . What else could she do ? He had to go . He 'd hightail it and run anyway when he saw her scars ― they all did . She couldn 't emotionally handle that , not again at any rate . But if Riordan is going to get back on everyone 's good side , he 'll have to make peace with the woman . Even though he thinks he 's innocent , he 'll go for a visit and maybe apologize , but after he gets there things go from bad to worse . Stormy is targeted for assassination and he 's in the line of fire … . Cormac Harrison , Mac to his family and friends , has a good thing going . He has a brand new home , a successful business , and is truly happy with the direction his life is heading . Andi Collins can 't seem to catch a break . The last time she 'd encountered her father , she 'd ended up in the hospital . Now , Stormy Harrison , is giving her a break and helping her get back on her feet . So when this big handsome man tells her that she 's his mate she 's scared to death . Mate . She 'd heard the term before . And what it meant . She would belong to him . Not just him , but whoever he wanted to sell her to . Andi reached for the door handle , thinking that rolling from a moving car would be better than being passed around like a napkin at a banquet hall . " Don 't do that . " He reached for her hand just as she touched the handle . " Please , just listen to me and I 'll explain . " " I don 't need you to explain . I know what mate means . My friends at school , they told me what happens when you become a mate to men . And what they didn 't tell me , my father and aunt explained the rest . Mates use you , and then when they 've had enough , they pass you around to all the other men they know . I won 't have it . " The car suddenly stopped . Her seatbelt cut into her neck , and she nearly hit her head on the dash it stopped so abruptly . Nikki Neal was damn good at her job . As an undercover cop , she had just about enough information to put the local crime boss away , but she needed more to make it stick . But when someone blew her cover , Nikki found herself on the wrong end of several guns . Aedan Harrison was on the fast track to winning the Governor 's seat for the state of Ohio . He had his whole life , or at least his immediate future , planned out . What he didn 't need was a mate he hadn 't made plans for throwing a monkey wrench into the mix . The last thing Nikki needed was an overbearing jackass ordering her about , and telling her how much he didn 't need her in his life right now . Well , she didn 't need him either . She had work to do and needed to get herself and her grandda to safety . It didn 't take long for Aedan 's family to convince him in the error of his ways , and when he saw what he 'd done he felt like an ass . All he wanted to do was make it right , but could he grovel enough for her to accept him ? Brooke Rickson had been working the pottery wheel and pulling clay with her great - grandfather almost as long as she could remember . Her work was famous even though no one really knew who she was . She preferred it that way and had become a recluse since her great - grandfather died . He had left her everything . Mac Harrison loved rare pottery , and when he landed two tickets to the big art show he was thrilled . He could get his prized Rickson pottery piece appraised and get to see new work at the same time . He brought his brother , Darcy , along for the ride . When Darcy caught Brooke 's scent , he knew he 'd found his mate . Unfortunately , the beautiful recluse made no bones about telling him that she was alone and liked it that way , and that no man was barging in and taking over her orderly life . She was living her life just the way she wanted it and that didn 't include taking orders from a man - any man . He could get that thought right out of his head … . Liam loved the house . He walked through it once more , just to be sure that he wasn 't feeling something that wasn 't there . Nope , he thought to himself , he loved this place . Trying hard not to show how much he did , he walked around the big empty living room once more to calm himself and his inner cat . There wasn 't any point in giving away his happiness before making an offer . " This room alone is nearly as big as the house that I live in . " The realtor smiled at him . " What do you think , Mr . Harrison … is this a place you can put down roots ? " " I 'm not sure . " He thought that he sounded like he was bored and had to take a deep breath before continuing . " The kitchen needs to be redone . I mean , from the studs . There are going to be issues with the furnace and with the air conditioning as well before too much longer . Also , I think I saw rat droppings in the garage . " Which he knew wouldn 't be a problem once he moved in . He 'd bet by now , there wasn 't one within ten miles of the place . Him being a tiger tended to take care of that sort of thing . He asked her what the selling price was again , knowing full well what it was . " The house hasn 't been lived in for about four months … I believe that 's the time frame . And before that , I do believe that they had the place exterminated . If you 're seeing droppings , I 'm not sure where they came from . But the bank is very motivated to sell . They 're asking four hundred , but I think I can get them to go a little lower , but not too much . I do know that the house needs work . Like I said , it 's been empty for a few months while things were settled . " Liam nodded . He knew just exactly why it had been sitting , and that it had been a good deal longer than a few months . " I can go in at a lower price , but I believe they have multiple offers so I 'd not expect too much . " " All right then . Thank you for your time . " She took his hand when it was offered and Liam made his way to the door . " Wait . I don 't understand . Did you want me to make an offer ? Are you done with the house ? He told Storm that he was . Good . I think you should stop by our house . There is a large vehicle , and that 's an understatement , in the drive , and the person in it is asking for you . Not nicely , I might add . Hudson is her name . Why is she … ? You know what , I don 't care . She 's the woman that I was telling you about on the deal with Whites . She said she had some information on her father maybe picking up the loads that they 're missing . Any luck finding Mr . Hudson , by the way ? Storm told him she was still looking . He really fucked her over . Not the only one either , from what I 've been able to find out . But he did royally fuck her over with her job . She had a good rep , as you said , and he 's really taken her for a ride . Lost her house , car , as well as her savings trying to keep herself out of jail . I 'd like to find this fucker myself . Liam said that he would as well . She 's currently at her truck , walking around it . I don 't know why , but I kind of think that she 's had enough of the open road for a while . She looks beaten . Liam made a left to go to his brother 's home , and smiled when he thought of the temper of the woman , Hudson . When he 'd spoken to her last night - well , earlier that morning - he 'd been sleep confused , but hearing her voice and what she had to say had him getting up and going back to his computer . He was going to find her father if he had to do it on his own . The rig was parked in the long drive to his brother 's house . The woman was circling the back end , the place where the big trailer was attached . He watched her for several minutes as she moved around it like a little monkey , checking the lines and lights as she went . When she jumped down , she stared at him as he did her . Christ , she was beautiful . " Liam ? " He nodded at her question . " I was close enough to bring them to you , and I 'm not so trusting of the postal service on something like this . I need them back , so you know . I might need them should Daddy dearest come back for some more o " You 're cut deep . I have to heal you . " He heard Riordan caution him , but he was losing her and had to do something . As soon as she fainted , he shifted . The roaring in his head was making him sick . They were losing their mate and neither of them were happy about it . His cat whimpered but knew what to do . As soon as he licked the wound closed , tasting her blood as he did so , he seemed to realize at the same moment that she was too weak , that they 'd waited too long . Growling at the couple that were too close to them , his cat bit deeply into her belly , tearing it open as he did so . " Hurry , Liam . You 're going to lose her if you don 't . " He knew that and snarled at Storm , and she laughed . " Just trying to help . I 'm assuming that she 's your mate . " Yes . And I don 't want to hear you making fun of me just yet . He was pissy and wasn 't sure why , but he bit into her leg . Holding his mouth deep in the wound , he looked up at his brother . Riordan was afraid for him , and Liam didn 't feel any better about this . I have a feeling she 's not going to be thrilled when she wakes and finds out what I 've done . " More than likely not . But it was that or she was dead . I can hear her heart picking up , can you ? " He told him that he could . " Just a few more minutes now and you should be able to release her . I 'll take her inside and put her in the bedroom that you use when here . " Thank you . Riordan nodded and called to someone on the porch to bring out some blankets . Riordan , she 's got some pretty horrific memories in here . Mostly about her father . He took her for everything . And left her with living in this truck . " I know . I read the report Stormy found . When you release her , go in the house and shower and change . Once you are settled , I 'll bring you what we 've been able to find out . Also , Marcy Cochran called about the house . She wants you to make a reasonable offer . " Liam let the young woman go , but he wasn 't ready to leave her yet . Her heartrate had picked up and he could see the wound at " The courts went by the books on this . There is no fault according to them . She had to sell her house as well as her car , which wasn 't a new one but all she had , when the trucking dealership wanted all their money . The truck is still missing , it appears . " He asked if her father had it . " I 'm thinking not . I don 't know why , but I think he sold it for the money , and someone else is driving it that knows about trackers and such . Might be wrong , but I think that 's it . We have the LoJack information , and since we can 't find it that way , we 've come to the conclusion that it 's been taken out . Also , you know it is against the law . " If she thought that , then it was more than likely true . " I told Ennis not to worry about rushing now . I told him what happened , but not that she is my mate . " " He knows . So do your parents . " He asked her how that had happened . " Riordan was covered in blood when they showed up , Hudson 's blood , and your mom sort of freaked out . He had to tell them . " " I guess . I 'm trying to figure out what to tell her when she wakes up . " The woman on the bed stirred and he watched , sure that she was going to wake a great deal sooner than anyone would have expected . " I have to help her out . Of all of this . " " Liam , can I ask you a personal question ? " He just looked at her . " Okay , some of it I know . Like where you have some of your money invested . How much the books say you 're worth . But what is it you do ? I mean , I know you work for the family business when they need you , but that can 't be all that you do , is it ? " " I 'm a businessman . " She snorted at him . " Okay , I 'm a very good businessman . I invest low and sell high . For everything . I 'm good at bargaining on things as well . Like the house . I 'm going to get it , but not at the asking price . Then , if Emma doesn 't care for it , I 'll sell it for a great deal more than I purchased it for . " " Why would me liking your house have anything to do with whether or not you sell it ? " He grinned and saidmakes you have to save me . " He said that he would have anyway . " No , you wouldn 't have . Don 't lie to me . " " I can 't . " She nodded and sat up , but he could see that she was slightly dizzy . " You lost a great deal of blood , so you might want to take it easy for a few hours . You should try and drink a lot and have a light - " " Don 't order me around . " He leaned back in the chair and looked at her . " I 'm not … . I know you really didn 't , but I 'm starting to freak a little here . I 'm a fucking tiger . " ~ ~ ~ Hudson laid on the bed thinking about her life and what had just happened . " I don 't know what I 'm supposed to do . " " Me either . " She turned to her back and looked at him . " I 'm not going to apologize for converting you . I could , I guess , but you 're alive , and that 's the most important thing right now . I don 't know anything about you other than what I 've read in the information that Storm got for us when you called me . And you know even less than that about me . What would you like to know ? If anything . " " What was your name again ? " He told her . " All right , Liam . I 'm Emma Hudson , but I rarely go by my first name . I have no idea why , but that 's what they started calling me in middle school and that stuck . I drive cross country . Not as much as I used to , but sometimes I need the money more than I do anything . I had a home , but I had to sell it to pay for the rig that my father stole . Which he did , no matter what the courts say . " " Storm , my sister - in - law - and so you know , you met her when you came here - she doesn 't think he has it anymore . " She nodded , thinking that Storm had some good connections . " Your load you have now , you mentioned that it was a back run . Does that have to go out today ? " " Not today , but soon . I have to have it about six hours from here by noon tomorrow . " He leaned back in his chair . " What about me being a cat ? I mean , I can sort of feel something inside of me . What does that mean ? " " She 's letting you know that s " Yes . We feel that way as well . I 'd very much like it if you were to go with me to the house that I 'm thinking of buying . If it doesn 't suit you , then that 's fine as well . I have a place that I live in , it 's an apartment , if you 'll come stay with me for a time . " He cursed and she laughed . " There 's this big deal of a wedding next weekend . My brother Aedan is getting married . They 've been living together for a little while , but this wedding is going to be epic , I guess . " " Why ? " He told her how he was the governor of the state and that he was looking into becoming the president someday . " Wow . Your family , they have big plans . " " They do . We all do . " She nodded . " What is bothering you , Emma ? Is it something that I can fix ? Or do for you ? " " I 'm assuming that you all have money . " He nodded but didn 't say how much , which she thought was a good thing . " My father will get wind of this . Not that I 'm a cat , but that I 'm with someone with money , and he 'll come sniffing around . He 's not stupid , but he can play a person and get what he wants . No matter the cost to them . " " He can do that if he wants . But he won 't get away with it this time . I can promise you that . Nor will he hurt you , mentally , physically , or financially . " Hudson wasn 't sure , but she was almost afraid for her dad . " Will you take my hand ? Please ? " " What will that mean for us ? " He said that it would only be him taking her to the kitchen for food for now . " I feel something for you . I 'm not sure what it is , but I trust you . I want to be with you . Is that the cat in me ? " " Yes , for now anyway . I hope that later , you as a woman will feel something for me as well . We mate for life , and quickly . " She still wasn 't sure about this , none of it . " I want to take this slowly . I think it would benefit us both if we started out fresh , like we 're dating . I know that we 've gone beyond that , with me converting you and having this connection , but even my cat is okay with us doing it this wThere was a thick roast beef sandwich on a wonderfully fresh roll with lettuce , tomatoes , pickles , and onions . A bowl of french fries covered in a tomato sauce that was spicy as well as sweet . A large glass of the best tea that she 'd ever drank . She was just finishing off the last fry when June , the cook , asked her if she wanted peach or cherry pie . Hudson nodded . " Well , good for you . I have ice cream too should you want that . I 've not been to the creamery yet , so it won 't be homemade . " Hudson told her that she loved her . " Thank you , child . I 'm so glad to be cooking for the household again . The mister and missus have been away more than at home of late , and I 've missed it . " " You can cook for me whenever I 'm home . " Her face heated up . " I 'm sorry . I don 't know where I 'm going to be living or what the plan is . But this is the best meal I 've had in ages . And fresh pie too ? Well , I could easily kiss you for it . " After she ate both pieces of pie without the ice cream - she didn 't want to seem too piggish - her and Liam went to her truck . It was locked up , but as soon as she opened the door , she could see that someone had cleaned up after her . She asked Liam about it . " I had a friend of mine come over and fix the bent metal . He also put a new handle on for you . Then his wife - she 's the new alpha bitch for the wolf pack that roams our land - she cleaned up the rest for you . I think she was quite impressed with how much storage you have in there . " She told Liam it was necessary when she was gone . " I don 't imagine that it helped that you lost your house . " " He took me for a great many things . But my house was the most painful . " Climbing into the truck , she watched him walk around to the other side and get in . He commented on how roomy it was . " Yes . My dad complained a great deal about how crowded it was for him . And you 're much bigger . But he would have complained about it even if it had his recliner and a big screen television in front of him . " She showed him aroThis entry was posted in amazon , Amazon B & N I Tunes , book , Books , Dark Fantasy , erotica , Giveaway , Release Day , Romance , Tigers on May 15 , 2017 by Kathi Barton . Cooper : The Manning Dragons Release Day & Giveaway Leave a reply Cooper Manning and his five brothers were true dragons . Centuries ago , when the humans had turned on their kind , their father sacrificed himself to save his sons by casting a powerful spell which allowed them to walk among the humans . Even centuries later , Cooper couldn 't seem to let go of the past and despised most humans . Carson Langley was exhausted . After being forced to work thirty - six hours straight , she unwittingly complained to the new plant owner , now she knew she was fired . There was nothing left to do but go home and cry about it later . Cooper was sent by his brother to retrieve the helpful woman and bring her back to the plant , and he wasn 't happy about it either . It didn 't help that when she answered the door she shared his sour mood , and when he touched her hand , the magic that surged between them meant only one thing - she was his other half , and she was human … . Cooper was seeing red . Mature Audience Only ! Explicit sex scenes and language . Domlen Draglen does not follow any rules except his own . He does not want to be like his brothers , but his need to find the lady his mother predicts to be his mate has become his focus . He wants to find her and prove his mother wrong so he can go back to his normal life . The only problem is the mouthy , curvy she - wolf interests him , but she 's not his type or is she ? Tempest Shellin wants to prove that she can be essential to her pack . When the drop dead sexy dragon shows up for her , she didn 't know if she should laugh or cry . To save her pack she agrees to his rules , but soon finds out Domlen doesn 't play fair . Will this Domineering dragon and mouthy she - wolf find love or will they allow traditions to keep the apart . " I 'm afraid there is no hope for us . " No one made a sound as their leader continued . " Since the humans found out about us and what we can do , we have been doomed . I 'm so terribly sorry . " Coop looked around the room . There were so few of them now that he could easily count them . When he 'd been younger , thousands of years ago , there wouldn 't have been enough space for all of them to share this room . Now they were down to a quarter of them sharing the space because so many , his own wife included , had been murdered so needlessly . Coop was saddened by it all . Turning to leave the large cave , he was stopped by his brother , Xavier . " The boys , they are well ? " He nodded and smiled . Coop felt it all the way to his heart , a place that had been dead for so long , it seemed . " You have the spell ? You are going to use it on them ? I so wish I had thought of this before my own family was taken from me , Coop . You are a brave man and a good father . " " Thank you . And I shall use it tonight . It is the only way to save them . " Xavier nodded , his own heart heavy with the losses they 'd suffered . " You know that I would have shared should I have had it sooner . I 'm so sorry , brother . All of my heart , it 's sorry for you . " " I know that . I do . But they 're all gone now . My other half , my children . Killed for things that are not fair to our kind . " Coop knew that all too well . " Aria was a good woman , Coop . A good woman and mother to your sons . She will be missed forever . " " Aye , in my heart and those of my sons . " Xavier stood there for several seconds and Coop told him he must go . " They 're awaiting word on what is to happen with us all . " " One more thing , if you please . It won 't take but a second . I have left them all that I have . It is where you keep them hidden away , the boys . Deep within the cave , it 's all there . " Coop asked him what he meant . " I cannot go on , brother . I cannot . There is too much grief in my heart for me to live . I have left my things for your children there . TheyWhen his eldest son came to him , his eyes full of fear , Coop knew that it was well past time that he did what he 'd been practicing . The magic that would keep them safe . Gathering his sons , six of them in varying shades of blues and greens , he asked them to have a seat , that he had a story to tell them . It wasn 't a story , not truly , but a tale that would hopefully keep them safe . " A witch told me once of a great magic that only few can do . It takes a loving heart and a strong dragon to make it work . I have asked her and she has told me how to make it so . This magic , it will keep you all safe from the humans . " They nodded , each of them knowing that it was a human blade that had taken the life of their dear mother . " I will perform this upon you , each of you at the same time , and give you some magic that you will use when you need it . This magic , strong and powerful , will let you roam with the humans , and they 'll not know that your true self is just below your flesh . " " You mean we 'll be humans as well ? " He nodded , then shook his head at Cooper , his oldest . " I don 't understand , Father . Will you explain ? " " Yes . The magic that I will give you will let you change into your true self when you are alone . But when you are out in the world , you will need to be a human . A man . " Cooper looked at his brothers , then back at him as he continued . " With this magic , I will also give you a gift . Something that you will need to keep yourself safe should they find out . A stronger armor than any other dragon before you , as well as the same immortality that you have now , as man or dragon . " Hudson stared at him for long moments . He was the thinker , and if he could think of a reason for this not to work , he would voice it loudly . He was much like his mother in that . She would be the first to say when she did or did not like something . And the first to say that the plan was perfect . He only hoped that she would have approved of this . " I think you are very smart , Father . To try and keep us safe . But I can " I am already , Cooper . Forever . " The others nodded too . They were ready for this , as much as he was dreading it . Because once he started the process to change his sons into men , then he would begin to die . It would take all that he was to change them . Standing up , spreading his wings out behind him , Coop told them about the things that their uncle had left them . They knew where the family jewels were , the things that their mother had left them as well . Once they were standing , their bodies strong and healthy , he felt his heart swell and break for what he was about to do . " I , Cooper Manning , of the Manning Dragons of the earth , give to my sons , Cooper , Hudson , Lincoln , Lucas , Tristan , and Xavier , all that I am . Each of you will take a part of the earth with you when you are converted . The part of you that is unique in all ways will be strengthened and enhanced . You will be immortal , forever , and those that you take to your heart will be as well . " His sons bowed before him when he told them to . He said the words over them that would change them to men . Coop could feel his body shutting down , his heart beating a little less . But he had one more thing he wished to bless them with , and held himself upright to give it from his own dying heart . " One day , true love will come to you . And you will have more than you 've ever known . It will fill you in ways that you cannot ever imagine . Love will be yours for all times . For only then will you become a true dragon , a Manning dragon . " ~ ~ ~ Cooper sat with his brothers while their father lay dying . Coop 's heart was weak from what he 'd done , and it was tearing him apart . Father was weak , yes , but he continued to tell them tales of their mother , of their adventures when they were only small dragons . They were going to be alone soon … their father was so close to joining their mother that it hurt Cooper in ways that he hadn 't expected . " What shall we do with his body ? " Cooper looked at Tristan and asked him what he meant . " He will not be able to lie here . " We will survive if we stay here . " Cooper told Xavier that they 'd have to leave here eventually . " To feed and to fly , yes . But perhaps we could do that only at night . To keep to the skies and not let them see us . " " They know we are about and will have spies out looking for our lairs . We will have to kill any man that comes for us , and still we will not be safe . We are , after all , dragons that have a great deal of magic . " Coop stopped breathing . Cooper didn 't hear his father 's heart , and knew that it was at an end . He was quiet for a bit longer , waiting , hoping for just one more beat , one more sound that would mean he was still alive . But there was nothing . Their father was dead . Sitting up , he told his brothers that Coop had passed from this world into the next . None of them had ever seen a dragon die before . Their mother had been dead when they found her . Each dragon that they 'd come upon when they were out had been dead long before they found them , their bodies stripped of every part of them so that they resembled less of a dragon and more like a pile of bones that had been cut up . Dragon 's scales were used for roofs for humans ' homes , and for shields . The very meat of them was roasted and stored away so that it could be used for medicines and potions . Their hearts were cut up and dried , then ground into a powder for the humans to use to keep them from sickness , as well as magic to have a grand garden and trees heavy with fruit . The only part that would be left was the bones , and sometimes even those were carried off and used for something . Cooper hated all humans . " We will do as suggested by Hudson . It is the only assured way that we can - " Before he could finish , he felt the stirring of the earth . It shook so hard that it knocked each of them off their feet . As they lay there , terrified that someone was coming for them , their father appeared before them . His body was still aground . But instead of dark in death , he was brilliant in light . Faeries , thousands upon thousands of faeriebody . Faerie ropes were all around him … strings of magic wrapped around him like a cocoon that made him invisible to all . As Cooper stood there , his brothers beside him , he knew that , like him , they mourned the loss of yet another parent . " You are the eldest ? " He nodded to the faerie when she asked . " We have a gift for you . For all of you , but you will receive the most . Your father was a great man , your mother a queen among her people . We wish to bestow upon you all that your father had . " " My brothers , they will need it as well . I should like to share . " She smiled at him and bowed . " What have you done with his body ? " " He is being prepared to be moved . We will make a grand garden upon him . Flowers will be there for all to see , but only few will know that a dragon is there with his other half , his love . " He nodded . It was as it should be . " You will take this gift ? You will share , but as I said , you will get more than the others . " " I don 't care . Please , just do what you must so that we can hide . " She nodded again and touched her fingers , small tiny ones , to his forehead . Then she did the same to the others before coming back to him . " It is done ? You have shared it with us ? " " I have , Lord Cooper . But you must leave here now . There are humans coming . The magic that we used to do this thing has given them cause to come here . " He nodded and looked at the ground where their father had been . " He is safe . Just as your mother is now . Go , before they find you here and murder you as well . " He thanked her for her help and left . The exit from this part of the cave was hidden so well that only they knew about it . As they made their way into the night , he thought of the human inside of him , and the pain of it took his breath away . In seconds he was down on his knees . Whatever was happening , he was surely going to die . " You 're a man . " He looked up at his brothers as they began to change into men themselves . " We 'll be safe now , all of us . We 'll be humans for them until we can fThis entry was posted in amazon , Amazon B & N I Tunes , Book One in series , Dark Fantasy , Dragon Series , erotica , Giveaway , Release Day on May 1 , 2017 by Kathi Barton . Evan : The Whitfield Rancher Release Day Leave a reply Dylan Hutchinson lived and breathed Army , and she 'd been under cover so long she 'd forgot what it felt like to be a civilian . But the last mission took a turn for the worse and not only was she hurt , but she 's been informed that she could no longer do her job . It 's either a desk job as a recruiter , or she 's out . Evan Whitfield didn 't have to work , but he loved his job as a surgeon . And when as his tiger he found an old man wandering in the woods with Alzheimer 's and confused , he wanted to help the family . The family had a daughter in the hospital too , and they were struggling . Evan thought the daughter might be not as sick or hurt as she claimed to be , so he took it upon himself to check her out . Evan was surprised to find that she was not only hurt worse than they claimed , she was also his mate . For a doctor , Dylan thought Evan was dense . What part of go away didn 't he understand ? She wasn 't the mate or marrying kind . Her life was over , not beginning . He needed to just go away … . The hay bailer was working the last two rows when Evan saw his dad riding his big bay horse toward him . Blake and Adrian , two of his brothers , had already been cut loose , and he was fixing to do the same to Joshua and David , his other brothers . He and Adam could handle this last bit , so he told them to head on back to the house before Dad got there . " He looks like he 's got something on his mind . I 'm betting it has something to do with that trip he made today . It 's not like him to go to town unless one of us is with him . " Nodding at Adam , Evan watched as Dad dismounted and made his way toward them . " Are you staying for supper tonight , or heading back to town ? " " Town . I have to work in the morning . " Dad asked him if they were about done . " Yes , sir . Adam and I are going to see to this before we put the tractor in the barn . Adrian said he 'd clean it for me after supper . " " You not staying ? " He told him the same thing he 'd told Adam . " I don 't know why you don 't just quit that job . I know that you 're good at it and all , but I 'd sure like to see you more than once a week , and that has you rushing off again . Come home , son . For good . " There was a bite to his voice , as if he was really pissed at him . Evan let out a long breath , picking up the next bale that had come from the baler . Whatever was bothering his dad , he was sure it had nothing to do with his job . " Dad , I 'm thirty minutes away . Less if I need to hurry . And me working was what I went to college for . And I love what I do . It 's rewarding to see how my work is making a difference . You know as well as I do that you have more than enough hands around if you need them . " His dad nodded but didn 't say anything else . " Everything all right ? " " Yes . Why wouldn 't it be ? " Evan only shrugged . His dad was in a mood , and while it wouldn 't last long , he could be a bear until it was over . " Your grandpa is coming for a visit . I guess he went and talked to your mom and they set it up . I was in town earlier picking him " He wants to go over his will . " Well , that was something . No one liked to be made to realize that they were as mortal as the next . " I 'm not ready for that . I just … . We just buried my mom , and I don 't want to talk about him leaving too . It 's too much . But when I said that to your mother , she got all huffy with me . " " She got huffy or you got huffy ? " His dad said he might have started it . " Mom loved Grandma too . I 'm betting she no more wants to do this than you do . But I can also understand why Grandpa wants to do this . It was a mess when Grandma died , and she had everything all written out for the funeral director and all . " " No will was properly made out . I know that , I surely do , but it 's just too soon . What am I gonna do if something happens to him too ? " Evan hugged his dad and told him he had them . " Yes , but he 's my dad . And … well , I don 't know what I 'm going to do . You know ? He 's always been there , him and Mom . And to think that he 's making these plans … well , it just breaks my heart . Upsets me so that I get angry about it . I 'm sorry , I am , but he 's my dad . " " Maybe if you just let him do this , then he 'll start to get better . You know as well as I that he 's been in a bad way . Not that I blame him . I know that I would be as well . But if he feels like things are settled , then perhaps he 'll start to come out of this depression a little more . " His dad said nothing . " Dad , I don 't know what else to do . He 's going to do it , no matter what we try to say . " " What if he 's doing this because he has plans to join Mom ? I mean , like right now , instead of waiting until his time comes along ? I 'm afraid , Evan , that is just what he 's planning to do . This might be his way of getting things settled , as you called it , before he does something really stupid . " Evan had actually thought of that but didn 't want to mention it to his dad . " I can 't lose another parent . Even as old as I am and knowing that he 's getting up there , I just can 't lose him . " Grandpa , Dad . Maybe if we show him how much we need him around , he 'll rethink whatever it is he 's got going on in his head . " " I 'd like that too . I know you have to go back to work tomorrow , but I wish you 'd reconsider coming home for good . It 's not like you need to work , Evan . I really miss you . And I know that your brothers and mom do as well . " Evan didn 't say anything . There was nothing for him to say . He had to work or he 'd go nuts . " You think on it . Maybe you can take some vacation time out and see what you 're missing here . " " I know what I 'm missing . I think about it every day . " They got off the hay and helped the hands put it in the barn . In a few weeks they 'd have to go to the other field to do the same thing there , but for now they had enough to keep the few cows they had and the horses fed in the colder months . And to sell to the other ranchers around them when they ran short . Evan loved his family . He enjoyed being with them , talking to his brothers about nothing much at all . And the open fields that he could roam alone or with them . But he needed to be away too . Needed his own space , his own things . If he did quit his job and came home , his mom and dad would expect him to live at home again , as most of his brothers were . Not that it wasn 't nice being all together , but he needed quiet sometimes . Grandpa was at the house when they came out of the barn . He was still looking lost , not that Evan didn 't blame him . Evan saw a lot of death in his job . Being a surgeon was not meeting people in the best of circumstances . His family might drive him nuts at times , but they were his and he loved them . Hugging Grandpa , he followed him to the mud room to clean up . Grandpa didn 't say anything , but Evan knew he had something on his mind . " You still being a doctor out there in the city ? " He said that he was . " I was wondering if you 'd do me a favor when you go back . I need something notarized , and I 'd like for you to drop me at the bank when you leave here . If you don 't anything to live for . " You have us . Dad and Mom too . We 'd have no one if you were to do this . " " I hurt . " Evan told him he didn 't know the pain he was feeling , but understood . " She kept me in line . Helped me through the day just by loving me . And I tell you right now that she made me feel like I was the king of the world with just her smile . I miss her so very much . " He sobbed then , holding onto Evan as he did so . Evan felt his own eyes fill with tears , and when they fell over his cheeks , he held his grandpa all the tighter . Grandma had been there for all of them . She 'd been the one that he could go to , for anything . And now she was gone and Grandpa wanted to join her . Dinner was a somber affair . No one , it seemed , was in their usual jolly mood . Even Blake , who could liven up any seating , was quiet . Evan helped his mom clear the dishes , and the rest of them cleaned up the kitchen . Grandpa joined them just as they were putting the last clean pot on the hanger . " Buy it from me . One of you boys , you should buy my house from me . " They didn 't move , not even to look at one another . " I will make you a good deal . I can 't … . I was thinking of moving in with Oliver here , and I would love for one of you yahoos to have the house . " " You move in with Dad and Mom , and I 'll buy it . " Evan had no idea why he said that . He didn 't need a house any more than he needed to work . " You promise us that you 'll move in here and behave yourself , then I 'll buy your house . " " I don 't want to behave myself . I want to … I want to run in the woods . Have some … . You six should make me a great grandpa . I 'd surely have something to do if you were to do that . " Each of them groaned and Grandpa laughed . " You promise me that you 'll be on the outlook for yourself a mate , and I 'll try and keep myself in a better frame of mind . " " Deal . " All of them put out their hands after making the promise . If that was all it took , a promise , then Evan would do it . As for the house ? He didn 't have a clucoming home because she 'd been hurt badly and had to leave the service . He could tell him , but Dad wouldn 't remember it . " I 'd like to have fish for dinner tonight . You go ask your momma if she can whip me some up . " Norris nodded . " Then we should go for ice cream . You got those good grades , so we should celebrate . Didn 't you , boy ? " " I 'd like that . We 'll go after supper , if you still want . " Dad got up and made his way to his room . In a few minutes , he 'd come back out and ask Norris where his bed was , and he 'd have to show him . Alzheimer 's sucked . Several years ago his dad had been a little forgetful . Slightly disoriented at times too . Nothing that worried them much . His dad was brilliant , and had always had trouble remembering simple tasks unless he wrote them down . After his wife passed , he became worse … his inability to remember to put on shoes or wear a coat had gotten him put in the hospital with a cold that had turned into pneumonia . Then they started noticing him being forgetful of who they were , and most of the time he would remember things that were well in the past . Then he 'd begun to wander off . It was then that Norris had found out that his dad was slowly losing his ability to do a great many things . Like living alone and keeping his own house . Meals were skipped because he couldn 't remember if he 'd eaten . Bedtimes were overlooked because he didn 't remember where his bed was . Things like that and more had gotten the doctor to declare him unfit to live on his own . He 'd been living with them since then . Not that he didn 't enjoy having his dad around . But lately , just over the last few months , he 'd been getting away from them . Running off without telling anyone where he was going . And sometimes the police had to help them find him . His dad was having more and more bad days all the time . It was putting a strain not just on Norris 's health , but his finances as well . When Norris 's wife Stella returned from grocery shopping , he checked on his dad before he went tdidn 't know where it had happened or how she 'd been injured , nor did he know to what extent her injuries were . But he knew that she was lucky to be alive , and that was all that mattered to him . For now , anyway . " When did they say they 'd be here with her ? You probably told me , but my mind is a little fuzzy . I 'm so tired , Norris . I shouldn 't have stayed up so late watching that movie . " He laughed and told his wife that it was supposed to be Friday . " Good . We 'll be there when they land . Then we 'll go to the hospital with her . I miss her so much . " He did as well , and had for a long time . Dylan was their only child , and she 'd been a delightful little girl who grew up into a wonderful grown up . At seventeen she 'd joined the army , and soon after she made it through boot camp , she 'd been picked to be trained for special jobs . He knew that she was covert , but anything else had been kept from them , to keep them , and especially her , safe . Over the next ten years they 'd seen very little of their daughter . She was forever rushing off for one thing or another , her job keeping her away for longer periods of time . Then about six months ago , a few days before they 'd been notified that there had been an accident , she 'd called him . With the call coming in the middle of the night , he knew something was wrong . " Dad ? " He said it was him and glanced at the clock . He 'd never forget the time . It was one twenty - four in the morning . " Dad , I 'm going to be coming home soon , I 've arranged it . I 'll have a month off . I 'd like for you to do something for me . " " Anything . You name it and it 'll be yours . " She laughed and he could hear the tension in it . " What is it , baby ? Are you all right ? " " No . I 've been … I don 't think I can do this anymore . So much death and pain here now . " He asked her what it was . " I can 't tell you . But I 'm done . I want to come home and make a life . After my R & R , I 'm going to muster out . I want a house . A yard of my own . I want things to be normal . her was she able to speak . er body was too broken to do much more than just heal . orris made his way out to the back of the house and sat on the deck . is baby was coming home , and he doubted very much anything was going to be normal for her again . Norris ? " e looked up at his wife when she said his name . Norris , I can 't find your father . e was resting not ten minutes ago , and now he 's gone . " is body tensed up and he stood . ad could have gone anywhere in that little time . he man was like a magician when it came to escaping their notice and getting into trouble . alling the police to tell them what had happened , he began walking the streets . is dad would only be able to tell someone where he lived if he was having a good day . nd his dad 's good days had been few and far between in the last several weeks . ost everyone knew him , but there were a few that didn 't . Did you find your dad , Mr . Hutchinson ? " e told the officer that he 'd not about an hour later when he drove up behind him . I have all our men out looking for him . ou should go and talk to Mr . Whitfield like I suggested . im and his boys , they 'd sure be able to find him a good deal faster . " I know . 've been meaning to , but my daughter … she 's coming home soon . " fficer Petty told him that was wonderful as he stopped the cruiser and got out . She 's going to be spending a few weeks in the hospital , but she 'll be home soon enough . " You 've had a rough few months , Mr . Hutchinson . ut having Hutch home , that 'll take some of the burden off you and your family . he was always one to depend on . " e only nodded , knowing that she 'd be depending on them a great deal now . e 'd not been able to tell anyone anything because , frankly , he didn 't know anything . I 've got my men out looking for him , sir , like I said . e 'll find him for you . " e hoped so . hile it wasn 't cold out , still summer yet , he did worry about his dad taking a tumble into something and not getting out . r wandering into so " Yes . nd Bennie is still one of them . swear to you , if you make him wet his pants again , I 'll … I 'll … . " he laughed hard at his lack of a threat . He 's a good kid , Dylan . hy do you dislike him so much ? " He 's not a good kid , Dad . e 's a bully and a fucking prick . ut I 'll be good if he does . ow , what did you get Mom ? " y the time they 'd gotten to the mall , both had been having a good time . hen they went into the jeweler 's , she 'd offered to pay the difference on the watch he 'd gotten for her mom . I got it . hat did you get her ? " he only shook her head and told him not to guess . You did get her something , didn 't you ? " I got you both something . " orris had seen her stiffen up and turned to see Bennie behind him . Hello , Bennie . " Well , well , well . f it 's not the terror of Washington street . ome for good , this time , Dylan ? r are you headed back to out of country ? " ennie made those quotation signs with his fingers when he asked her about the country . Me and the boys , we think you 're just in prison . girl like you , that 's where you belong . " Dad ? " e hadn 't wanted trouble , not then or now , but there really was something simply mean about Bennie today . nd after that , he 'd noticed it a great deal more . Dad , I 'm doing what you asked , but it 's not easy . " You shoplifting , Dylan ? s that what you learned in prison ? r , I 'm sorry , in the army ? " ennie reached for her , and even standing there beside her , Norris hadn 't seen her move . efore he could tell her to go for it , Bennie was on the floor screaming to be released . You 've fucking broke my hand . " he laughed and told him she 'd not . You have . can feel it . " No , I didn 't . only stopped you from touching me . owever , I can break it if you want . " orris told her not to just yet . All right . ut I did try to be good , Dad . e started it . " He did . saw it . " he police were called and she was asked to let the mall cop go . fter several witneThis entry was posted in amazon , Amazon B & N I Tunes , Book One in series , Dark Fantasy , erotica , Release Day , Tigers on April 17 , 2017 by Kathi Barton . terling : Calhoun Men Release Day & Giveaway Leave a reply Marty liked her life just fine . She was alone in the world , and waiting on tables would get her by until she finished college , but the girl she was training wasn 't working out . And the girl got her fired - now what was she supposed to do ? She needed that job to survive . Sterling Calhoun 's encounter with the she - devil was over , but the nightmares still lingered . The only thing that helped him deal with the nightmarish pain were his paintings . And through is Grandda he met Marty , his mate , but Sterling hadn 't been himself for a very long time … . Marty knew a few shifters , so she knew what it meant when Sterling told her she was his mate . Oh , hell no , this guy had to be nuts , the " mates " she knew were a strange lot , and she didn 't want any part of it … . I BOOKS Coming Soon Johanna , better known as Joe , had been a day walker for her only friend , Noah , for centuries . An immortal with eight hundred years under her belt , she had become proficient in several languages and occupations . When her friend Noah talked about meeting the sun , she had every intention of following in his path . Joe had only gone to the Calhoun 's office to catch a ride to the estate . When she entered , it took her breath away to see the younger man on the floor and no one doing a damn thing to help him . Trent Calhoun had forgotten how to have fun . Diving into his work was what kept him happy . At 33 he had no life , so when he had a heart attack , his doctor said to change his ways or else . When the gorgeous woman stumbled into his hospital room , Trent thought his dad was up to his old tricks again ― that was until he caught her scent … . Now , because of his wolf , he 's face to face with an angry vampire … . Noelle was in somewhat of a pickle . She had researched the Calhoun firm ― Elijah Calhoun in particular ― before she made the appointment , but she was having second and third thoughts about hiring the firm after she got there . All her research indicated she could trust them , but big men scared the hell out of her , and the place was full of them . Elijah had been running a tad late for work , so his brother Trent took his first appointment . Elijah never dreamed that the woman he had an appointment with was his future mate … and she needed his protection . Noelle 's stepfather wasn 't their only problem . Elijah 's brother Sterling 's nightmares had gotten worse and somehow the creature that had marked him was controlling his actions as well … no one was safe … . Chloe Davis was giving up . She thought for sure the owners of the computer shop she worked for were responsible for her father 's death , but in all the time she 'd worked there she 'd not been able to find enough evidence to prove it , so as far as she was concerned she was out of there . Her boss , George , on the other hand had other ideas . As far as he was concerned she wasn 't going anywhere … by force if necessary . Scott Calhoun was just trying to help his grandfather get the young woman to safety , the last thing he expected was for her to be his mate . And he wasn 't happy about it either . Scott was a Dom , and he liked his sex hard and rough and his women submissive … this woman was a spitfire , and he was pretty sure he 'd scare her off with his demands … . As far as he was concerned he was a deviant , not mate material . But when Chloe and Scott come together , they both find more than they expected … Scott has finally met his match . Now , if everyone would stop trying to kill them , they might live long enough to enjoy each other . Alta set a plate full of food in front of him , and Sterling stared at it before looking up at her . She 'd been with him for nearly four months now , and he was sure that he was about as fattened up as he was going to get . She smiled at him and told him to eat . " I 'm thinking you 're either fattening me up for a huge dinner , or you think I 'm still skinny . First , I 'm not Santa , and second … . Well , second , I 'm not that hungry anymore . " She patted him on the cheek and walked away as he started putting butter on his pancakes . " Did I tell you that I 'm supposed to host Christmas this year ? I haven 't any idea why I got volunteered . I guess I should pay more attention when they 're all talking . " " They do love to talk , your family . " He nodded as she handed him a platter of bacon and sausage . " Randal is coming . I think he should be here any second . " The back door opened and there stood his brother covered in snow . He was brushing it off his head as he was telling Alta that he could eat again . When he sat across from him , stealing one of his pieces of bacon , Alta gave him pancakes as well . " Mom sent me over . And Grandma wants to know if you have enough decorations for Christmas . " He said he had some . " I 'm also supposed to tell you that once you 're ready to start with the decorations , you 're to call Mom . She said don 't forget . Wanna go shopping with me ? " " No . I have work to do , and Noelle has a list of things she needs me to pick up as well . I guess she 's been making some pretty good deals with a few vampires that Noah knows . " Randal finished his breakfast before he did , which didn 't surprise Sterl . He didn 't have live - in help and no one cooked for him . " Why did Mom send you here ? " " Mostly to make sure that you 're eating well and that you 're not lazing around the house . I haven 't any idea why she thinks that , but she told me to see about you . And I think she 's still pissed at Grandda . He should have known better than to be late for dinner on Friday . " They ← Older posts

It was a slightly cloudy day . I was crossing a quiet street at the edge of a suburban neighborhood . But it was like , at first , I had been washed out into this street , as if a flood or an ocean 's wave had carried me here . Even walking across to the sidewalk , I may have felt as if I 'd been carried by an undertow . On the other side of the sidewalk from the street was a small lawn . The lawn ended in a steep drop , an artificial cut through the hillside to let a large road pass through . Concrete walls ran up most of the slope . There must also have been a concrete paved walking path for pedestrians to get down the slope . I headed down . About halfway up the slope there was a concrete paved area with a long picnic table . I sat at the table , at the head end closest to where I stood . The table top was completely covered by a gigantic bag . The bag was white and may have been made out of canvas - - or a really thin material , like tissue paper ! The bag seemed to be completely stuffed with stuff . At the table sat two men . Both men belonged to a certain church . One man sat at the opposite head end of the table from me . He was a new pastor at the church . Another man sat on the long side of the table , just about in the center . He had been at the church for a long time . The pastor was planning on going out and trying to convert people in the neighborhood . He had given the other man some of his plans . But now the man asked a weird , long question regarding the pastor 's approach and the character of the people in this neighborhood , who were largely illiterate or only semi - literate . The pastor understood the question . He replied , " You want to know how I think people will react when I get to verbal with them . Will they think that if they come to our church , that they 'll be overwhelmed with an overly verbal presentation ? My answer is that I 've already told you and shown you the material we 'll be using to witness to people . It 's very visual . We are going to promote our church as being very visual , and not too literary . " In my mind 's eye I could see one piece of the material the pastor had been speaking about . It was a small pamphlet . It looked like a coloring book . Apparently the people being reached out to were supposed to color the pamphlet in with crayons . Suddenly the other man 's phone started ringing . The man 's ringtone was of some heavy metal song . It wasn 't a real thrashing song . It had a low guitar riff and a heavy , watery bass line . But I knew that the chorus of the song had some Satanic lyrics . When the man realized that I 'd recognized the song , he turned and winked at me . He thought that I 'd think he was cool for having that song as a ringtone . But I was more confused than anything else . How could the guy go out spreading the message of Christ to people while a Satanic ringtone was always playing on his phone ? The road was far below us , and it was as wide as a highway . I looked across to the slope across the highway . Parked out at the edge of the slope was a nice , big motorboat . It may even have been a small houseboat . I got the feeling that the boat was parked out there because the people who owned it thought a flood was coming . They wanted to be prepared to drift away on the flood . I was looking at some device , probably my phone , but possibly a bigger device . The screen showed a black and white photo from a long time ago . People were gathered together for a group photo . The men and women seemed to be wearing all different kinds of outfits , though the group photo was supposed to represent one specific official body , probably a military group . I knew that in the center of the picture was John Adams , the second President of the United States . I pointed him out directly . But he was bald , with a huge beard ( I assumed it was red , even though it obviously appeared to be dark grey ) , and he wore a uniform like that of a Civil War Union soldier . Something didn 't seem quite right about this . I tried to justify the inconsistency by thinking that John Adams lived a long time , maybe long enough to see the beginnings of the Civil War . But , even though he looked worn out , he still didn 't look old enough for him to be who he was at this time period . The screen now showed video of this same event , like the event had been caught on some primitive film camera , which had then been transferred to digital video . The event , I could now tell , was a memorial ceremony , including a huge picnic , for some important figure who had died . This important figure may have been John Adams himself . Everybody was walking around by picnic tables . They all had plates . They all seemed to be wandering to different tables that had food . In the distance were also barbecue grills , which sent up a lot of smoke . At one point I saw the John Adams character walking around and looking at the food . I may have wondered how John Adams could be at his own memorial ceremony . All the outer walls of the building seemed to be glass . The inner part of the building mainly seemed to be a network of balcony - and bridge - like structures . There was some inner or rear part of the building that these walkways led to . That was where business took place . But this open area of the building looked and felt completely empty and vacant . I was a young Indian man . I had dark , copper colored skin and kind of shaggy black hair that went over my forehead and down to just above shoulder level . I eventually understood that I was a spy . I had gotten a job with a wealthy family in India that was also connected with some sort of crime organization . I was supposed to get information on the crime organization . It wasn 't just like I had a job here . It was like I had been accepted as a part of the family . I walked along one of the walkways , heading toward a staircase . I was heading up that staircase to another walkway , where I would walk into one of the office areas . I was probably starting to think that I had gotten too deep into all this activity . It wasn 't just that I didn 't want to get caught as a spy . I also didn 't want to be seen as betraying the family who had come to trust and love me . I didn 't want to betray their love . Suddenly another young man came up a different escalator and met me on the walkway . He looked a lot like me . He was accompanied by a white woman . The young man was really cheerful with me . He told me he was heading out somewhere to have some fun . He wanted me to come along . I really didn 't want to come along . I knew the young man was family to the company by blood . He was a privileged child . He kind of thought this company ran itself . He didn 't like to do work . But I had actual work to do - - and I wanted to do it - - to help the company . Nevertheless , I felt like perhaps I should just go out with the young man . But , at the same time , I felt like the young man was starting to get a hunch that I was a spy . Maybe he was calling me out so he could trap and kill me . But the man was already gone . He had walked across the walkway and down to another escalator . He had just come to tell me where he was going . I could meet him there if I wanted to . But now I realized - - the young man had a white woman with him ! I was kind of shocked ! Way to go , I thought to myself , going out with a white woman ! I now wondered whether my eyes had deceived me . I looked over the balcony to see if I could see the young man and the woman again . The young man and woman had already gotten down a few levels on the escalator . But they were walking on a walkway now , and I could see them clearly . They both looked up at me . The young man already knew I was looking at the white girl . She was pale and blonde , but her hair was way too frizzy . It made her look like a Cabbage Patch doll . The young man hooted up at me , bragging about the girl . He even said something like , " Hey , man , I think she likes you ! " The man was kidding . But the woman was looking up at me like she liked me . I had a bad feeling that she 'd eventually find a way to get close to me . I wondered if I 'd end up betraying the young man by starting a relationship with this girl . But suddenly I realized - - the young man probably wanted me to start up a relationship with this girl . It was a cool , blue day . I was out on a busy street . The road was clogged with cars and people . The blocks seemed small , but the roads also seemed twisted together in a way that made it seem like a long distance across streets . There also seemed to be a lot of poles in the streets and wires overhead , like there was a whole tangle of trolley systems . The buildings mainly seemed to be like row houses and narrow buildings . There were residences and small businesses all up and down the street . I was standing - - with a whole bunch of other people ! - - at a bus stop . It seemed like the bus was going to take longer than I 'd originally expected . So I decided to go take care of my mail really quickly . All I had to do was drop the mail off in a mailbox . I may suddenly have received mail when I 'd dropped off the mail for posting . But I think I did something with the received mail as well . It looked like a kind of big stack at first . But , by the time I got back to the bus stop it was just a couple documents and a small newspaper . I rolled all this stuff up . The bus still wasn 't coming . So I walked up to the corner of the block . The block was really just incredibly busy - - stuffed with people ! But I now saw my old friend R and his wife L coming up out of a subway station that was in a slender median in the street across from me . R looked healthy , but a little rangy , like business life had made him kind of sinewy . He wore a heavy , dull blue shirt and green cargo pants , like he was going out to do some kind of field work . R may have seen me and then quickly pretended not to have seen me . He may even have told L not to look in my direction or acknowledge that I was around . They were across the street , separated from me by huge crowds of people , so I guess R assumed I couldn 't understand anything he 'd said . L split off from R and walked down toward the opposite corner of the block . R crossed the street but walked down the side street instead of coming down the street I was on . I suddenly remembered that R lived on this block . His apartment was only a couple doors down from the bus stop ! I assumed that R and L were coming home for the day . I figured I 'd wait in front of their door until one of them arrived , or until my bus finally arrived . I knew they 'd wonder why I was here . I 'd just tell them that my bus stopped here , and that I remembered they lived here , so I thought I 'd drop by and say hi . R finally walked around the corner and toward the apartment . He didn 't seem happy to see me at all . He plainly acted like he was " acting " happy while he was really " silently " annoyed . It was obvious he wasn 't going to let me into his house and that he didn 't even want me in front of his building . He asked me what I was doing here . I gave him a little explanation . I was inside some place like a restaurant . I was a worker here . The restaurant was owned by a family that probably had connections to crime . I was one of the few non - family employees . There had been one other non - family employee at the front of my mind . But he had just left , as recently as a couple hours ago . I walked out a side door , to some kind of outdoor eating area - - although the area looked a lot more like a big park with a few picnic tables in it . There was a wooden picket fence running around the area . Before me , the fence bounded a steep cliff that probably went down to an ocean shore . Off to my right , the area went up a rolling slope . The fenced area narrowed into a sharp angle as it ascended the slope . Past the fence were pine trees . All the way up the slope were also fake train cars , like plastic replicas of train cars , except designed so they could be something like beds for little kids . These may have been eating areas or storage areas or just play areas for kids who came to the restaurant . I walked up the slope , looking through the cars and thinking of the non - family employee who 'd just left . I wondered whether the employee had been hurt or killed by the family . I could see the man in my mind 's eye . He was tall , white , skinny , with bugged - out eyes . He was really touchy , and he had really violent emotions . He always felt like he was getting ripped off . ( He kind of reminds me of a Steve Buscemi character . ) I think the man had found out that the family had been doing something to collect extra money in shady activities based on side aspects of their legitimate business . This was probably a small crime thing and not the larger crime the family was involved with . But it had used the man 's efforts . The man found out how much money his efforts had drawn in through these shady activities . He wanted a cut of it . But he knew he 'd never get it . So he stole his cut , threw a big fit in front of all the workers , and ran off . I was at the top of the hill now , looking back down . I didn 't know whether the family would follow the man , or whether they had already hurt or killed him . I realized now that I was a spy on the family . I wondered , walking back down the hill , whether the man hadn 't also been a spy . I had a feeling , however , that what the man had done would make my job a lot harder . The family would be on the lookout for any suspicious activity at all . As I approached the bottom of the slope , four men came walking out the side door of the restaurant . They were maintenance workers . The leader really disliked me . As soon as he saw me he started to sigh and groan , like he loathed even having to share the same air with me . He was a little shorter than medium height , with pale olive skin and a bald head . He was heavyset , but in a kind of muscular way . He wore a white t - shirt , khaki shorts , and a baseball cap . I sat down at some small table , like a children 's table with small chairs . I pulled out a cell phone and a couple other devices . I had one of the devices plugged in somewhere . The guys all sat at a table behind me . The man was sighing and groaning even still that he had to be around me . He must have really hated me . I stood up to go get something . When I came back , my chair was gone . I saw that the leader had taken it for one of his guys to use . I acted like nothing was wrong . I just took some other chair and began concerning myself with my work again . But the guy still kept sighing and groaning like he was angry at me . So I turned around and looked him in the eye , as if to say that if he had any problems with me , I 'd be more than happy to take care of them directly . The man suddenly became genuinely relaxed and kind . He said a couple things to me about work . I replied kindly and turned back to my work , wondering whether I hadn 't been imagining the man 's hostility this whole time . Now a woman came outside . It seemed obvious to everybody , right away , that this woman was a spy . She was a pale , thin woman . She was probably young , maybe in her mid twenties . But her style made her look old and frumpy . Her hair was red and frizzy , like it would have been shoulder length if it had been straight , but instead it just shot in all directions around her head like a disheveled halo . The woman took a seat - - in a folded up folding bed ! Her head and arms popped up out of the top of the bed . I was suddenly also sitting on the edge of a bed , working at a desk , with my back to the woman . The woman had announced herself as an investigator . But it was hard for me to keep this in mind . What kept running through my head was that she was a spy , and that nobody was supposed to know it . But she was so obviously a spy that everybody knew it . I was hoping that her being a spy wouldn 't blow my cover as being a spy . Then , suddenly , going through this chain of thought , I 'd realize that she 'd actually announced herself as an investigator . The woman was looking for information related to a crime . But she wasn 't necessarily looking to get this particular family in trouble , even though I think she knew the criminal activities this family was engaged in . But she was going to monitor our activities to see what ways we might inadvertently give her information as to the larger crime families she was trying to pin down . She was also going to ask us questions . We were supposed to volunteer any information we could . But - - knowing these guys - - I was sure " nobody would know nothin ' . " But the woman started asking her questions . Suddenly I was laying on the bed I 'd been sitting on . I could start to see everything in my mind about the crime family . The family 's last name was Louis , which kind of surprised me . I could also see the head of the family . He was a kind , gentle - looking old man . He was wearing a nice suit . I even felt like I may have had a nice conversation with him at some point in time . I may also have seen an image in my mind 's eye of a wall full of lockers . I thought I 'd tell this woman all this information right out , right in front of the maintenance guys . They were all playing along some code of honor , where nobody said anything . They were family . But I wasn 't . And they thought that if I couldn 't be loyal to them , I could at least be made afraid of them . But I wasn 't going to be made afraid . I 'd tell the woman everything , right in front of the men . And they could do whatever they wanted to me . But I remembered I was a spy . If I told all my information right in front of these men , I 'd be giving myself away as a spy . And I couldn 't have my cover blown . I tried to figure if there was some way I could figure out whether the woman already knew I was a spy , or if there was some way I could let the woman know I was a spy . But I couldn 't figure anything out . Suddenly , I had an image in my head of a name : Nemirovna . I was riding in a big , white , 1970s style car with some other person . I 'm not sure , but I think the driver was a man . I was mainly in the backseat , on the passenger side , though I think I was also sometimes in the front seat on the passenger side . We were driving through some area that was like the outskirts of a town , with hills and forested areas . But there was also a huge parking lot for some shopping center . It was probably late afternoon , and the day may have felt a little cold . Somehow the person who was driving had figured out that another car in front of us was actually stalking us . The driver of the car may have been a woman in her fifties or sixties , still in pretty good shape , but a little worn - out looking , with shaggy , pale blonde hair that was black at the roots . The woman was driving a more modern car than our car . It may have been more of a 1990s style , with a roundish , but long , body . But I think it was also white . We were nearing the parking lot to the shopping center ( or a Walmart ? ) . The driver told me we were going to make it look like we were heading into the shopping center . As soon as the woman had gotten fully pulled into the shopping center , we were just going to drive away . This way , even if we didn 't lose the woman , we could still know for sure that she was stalking us when she started following us from behind . So we lost the woman in the parking lot . The parking lot was on a slope . We drove up the slope , then turned right . On our left side was forested area . On our right was the slope leading down to the shopping center . We drove a ways farther , then turned right again . We headed back down the slope , still driving alongside the shopping center . At the bottom of the slope we continued forward . I think we had been planning to go somewhere in particular . But we 'd had to throw the stalker off our trail first . Even though we seemed to have done that , the driver still thought it was a good idea for us to drive around in a diverted path before we 'd headed to the place we had to head to , just to make sure nobody else was following us and would be led to wherever we were trying to go . So we drove straight forward , into a neighborhood that the driver said was really bad . A couple blocks into the neighborhood we turned left . We drove through a neighborhood of two - or three - story apartment complexes . The sun had gone down over the horizon , and everything in the neighborhood looked grey - blue . But some of the apartments actually were a worn - out , faded shaded of turquoise , which looked even worse in the evening dimness . The trees were possibly barren , like it was late autumn . The driver told me there were snipers in the neighborhood . I don 't remember how the driver knew this . The driver may have seen a sniper in one of the buildings , or we may actually have gotten shot at . I think I could see a sniper in my mind 's eye . The driver may have told me to keep cover as well as I could . I crouched down low onto the floor of the backseat , though still keeping my head peeped just a little above the backseat . I was really scared . I was part of a play . The play may have been just a two - person play . At first , I may have thought that I was part of a rehearsal . For some reason , as part of this rehearsal , I had to be under a dark green sheet . The stage was small , and not elevated too high from the ground . I lay crouched on all fours under this sheet . The other actor sat beside me , addressing the crowd . The other actor had some long monologue . I knew that I also had lines . But I 'm not sure when I was supposed to say them . But as the other actor continued his monologue , he somehow gave me signs that I was supposed to emerge slowly from under the sheet . At this point I saw that the actor beside me was David Bowie . He looked kind of young . He was pale , and he had red - dyed hair . I think that as I slowly emerged from the sheet I 'd come to understand that I hadn 't really been under the sheet as part of the play . David Bowie / the actor had actually kept me under the sheet as some kind of protection for me . It was like he didn 't think I could stand to see the audience or something . I looked out at the audience . This wasn 't a rehearsal . It was an actual performance , and there was a full audience . The audience sat about five meters away from the stage . The stage was just a small , black square set against a black wall , on a platform maybe 25cm tall . Between the stage and the audience was just bare , black floor . The audience sat in folding chairs in somewhat steeply tiered rows of bleachers . The spotlights on the stage reflected out on the audience , so I could dimly see the people out there . I stopped uncovering myself when I had the sheet just below my shoulders . I was in some awkward half - laying , half - crouching position , leaned sideways , with my head pointed toward David Bowie . There may have been more dark green sheets nearby . Bowie continued with his monologue . I knew I had lines . But I didn 't know when Bowie would actually cue me to say them . In fact , I was getting the feeling he was expressly not having me say my lines . My old friend R was in the audience . ( When I thought of R I saw a balding , heavyset man in the audience . ) If I spoke , R would know I was the character beside Bowie . He would then be jealous of me and try to ruin the show to spite me . So Bowie kept me quiet . In fear of being discovered , I had actually started chewing on the green sheet . But I still wanted to say my lines . But now the play was over . Bowie asked everybody in the audience to give a critique of the play . One man , an older , balding white man , kind of wealthy looking , with a thin , slightly leathery and wrinkly face , and wearing a blazer , cardigan , and tie , was the only person to speak . As he spoke , I got a closer and closer view of his face . It was like his chair was right in front of the stage . But then it was like I saw his face in full closeup . At that point , all the wrinkles of his face were highlighted by something like black pencil or marker . The man said something like , " You know , after all , this is ' Pandora 's Box . ' And there 's a theme to this story . You should at least keep to the theme . There are things that happen in the story , and there are characters involved in the story . But you didn 't have any of that . " And . . . I know , maybe it 's just the Hollywood style , but . . . you made the whole thing about sex . If you just took out the focus on sex and you just made the story fit with what the real story of Pandora 's Box is all about , it might make a lot more sense to people . " I felt vindicated that the man had criticized the play . I was still bitter about not having been able to speak my lines . Any criticism of Bowie seemed like a blow in favor of the idea that I should have been allowed to speak my lines . But the man hadn 't really mentioned me , or the fact that I should have been allowed to speak . I had to admit that . I also had an idea that the man would have criticized us no matter what . He just seemed to enjoy tearing people down . We were now standing backstage . I stood off by myself , staring down at a dancer 's balance pole , one of the horizontal bars fastened to a wall , usually accompanied by a wall - length mirror , so a dancer can watch their movements and balance herself as she practices . But as I looked at the pole , it became a long , green object , like a huge leaf , elongated to the size of a balance bar . The leaf was curled up in half . Along the bottom , inner side of the leaf things were written in pen . The one thing I remember was the year " 1825 . " I now turned to look at the rest of the room . It was a kind of big room . Off to my left , along the same wall with the balance bar , was a door leading outside . A lot of performers were walking out that door - - as if our play had actually used a whole lot of performers , some of them young females in black leotards and tight hairdos , like dancers . Across the way from that door was a dim doorway into some other room , like a seldom used prop - room . David Bowie walked out of that room . He now stood before the man who 'd criticized our performance . But now Bowie was short , maybe coming up only to the man 's shoulders . He was kind of muscly and stocky , too . And his skin was all painted a greasy dark blue ! His hair , a wiry , dusty - tan color , was done in a spiky flat - top on top . But the back of his hair was done in a thin braid that reached all the way down his back . Bowie wore no shirt , only a pair of shorts . Bowie walked up to the man . He explained something to the man about the year 1825 . In that year , Bowie explained , a very influential artist ( someone specific , maybe a pre - Raphaelite , but I can 't remember who ) had decided that all artists should strip themselves of past influences . In doing so , artists would find ways to express themselves truly and purely , without bogging themselves down with cultural references . Bowie explained how he came directly from that school . He said the title of his show , " Pandora 's Box , " was simply meant as an inspiration to the drama of his show . The drama wasn 't supposed to coincide with Pandora 's Box at all . And the show was supposed to be sexual , because Bowie felt that sexuality was true expression . I was walking down a hallway in a movie theater . The hallway had orange or yellow walls and orange carpet . I headed down into a smaller hallway , just outside the theater where the movie I had come to see was playing . A man and woman stood outside the theater . The man asked the woman about whether she 'd seen certain movie . The woman said no . The man kind of bragged about how good the movie was ( to make the woman feel bad she hadn 't seen it ) . The man then said , " But what 's crazy about it , is that the movie was so good , and already they 're on the third movie of the series . In fact , that 's what 's playing in this theater . La Derniere 3 . " I don 't think I 'd known - - or questioned ! - - what movie I was heading to . But now that I heard that this theater was playing a film called La Derniere 3 , I wondered whether I 'd wanted to come to see it . It sounded like an action film . In fact , just over the door was a strip with the movie 's title and an image from the movie poster . The image showed a contemporary woman riding on the back of a man who was shooting a big handgun as he swung on a rope away from a big explosion . I decided to head into the movie anyway . I don 't think I knew where else I could have gone . My view then shifted to a different movie . A young , blonde man with tan skin and shaggy hair walked into his family 's house . His mother was in the house . The man and his mother were in a kitchen or a sun room . Either way , the room was very airy and filled with natural light , like there were windows all over the place , and there seemed to be plants everywhere . The young man somehow let his mother know that he had been attacked and drugged by a group of people . He seemed to be afraid of the consequences of having been drugged . Either he was afraid he 'd been drugged with something really addictive , so he 'd have to go through a painful withdrawal , or else he was going to take some kind of drug test , and he was worried that the results of the test would be bad . The young man was ashamed to talk to his mom about all this , but he knew he had to . The mom said the best way to tell if the young man would be alright would be to look at the young man 's eyes . The young man 's eyes were all scratchy and yellow . At first this didn 't seem like a good sign . The man was really worried . I was worried , too . But on second glance , I think the mother decided that everything would likely be okay . But the book was also about the creation of a Michael Jackson Museum somewhere . Some of the photos showed columns and long , narrow corridors , all kind of futuristic looking , but also with a plainness that made the spaces feel very much like contemporary rooms in a museum . There seemed to be silver tinsel everywhere . But I 'd also have flashes of views where I 'd suddenly be inside the Michael Jackson Museum . My vision would be really blurry . There were a lot of green spotlights lighting everything up . There were a lot of people around . Sometimes I 'd be led down certain areas of the museum . I think Michael Jackson himself was leading me . Then my view would suddenly switch back to just looking at the book . There was some weird battle going on between two sets of women . All the women were really gorgeous , kind of pale , thin , goth - looking girls . But one half of the girls were normal humans , while the other half had been transformed into vampire - or zombie - like monsters . The regular women were making their final battle against the monster women in a long , narrow room , like a kitchen . The battle may now have been over . The monster women were sitting all in a line on a fake - leather bench that ran across the left ( my left ) long wall . The normal women were all working on the monster women . The monster women all seemed to be injured pretty badly , mainly in the chest . The normal women were all set to work on pulling something out of the monster women 's chests . In two cases ( I think ) I saw the object being pulled out . One of the women had a screw or bolt in her chest , while the other woman had a nail in her chest . But these objects were both cursed objects that had made the women into monsters . The second normal woman took the nail she had just pulled from the woman 's chest and walked over to the sink , which was in the counter that ran all the way along the right wall . She did something with the nail . The monster woman was now a normal woman , and her chest , which had been all caved in and bloody before , was now completely healed , except for a hole in the center of her chest , just above her breasts . The normal woman may have handed the nail back to the woman . Either way , the woman had a nail in her hand again . The nail was " clean , " not cursed . But the woman shoved it right into the hole in her chest . I was kind of shocked that the woman would purposely drive a nail into her chest . I asked her , " Do you like that sort of thing ? " The woman replied , " Yes . Does that scare you ? And does it scare you that she " ( the normal woman who 'd healed her ) " is my lesbian lover , and that she likes driving nails into my chest , too ? " I didn 't mind . But I felt ashamed for hanging around here . I now realized that all the monster women were all lesbian lovers with the normal women who 'd healed them . I didn 't want to look like I 'd been here because I 'd been attracted to all these girls - - even though I had been attracted to them all . As I was backing up , I saw the first monster girl . She was also healed , even though her chest may still have looked bloody and collapsed . She had a " clean " bolt , which she was now getting ready to shove into her chest . I walked around a kind of hairpin curve and found myself in a space like a dining room . It was a lot lighter than the other room had been . There was a booth - like table in the right corner of the wall facing me . The bench of the booth was made of white or cream - colored fake leather and went around the table in an almost full square shape . There was also a bright window along the back wall . The right wall was more like a half wall . It showed into the next room , where a woman sat all by herself . The woman was Asian , and she may have looked like my ex - girlfriend H . I tried not to look at the woman . I assumed that she , like all the other women in this house , was a lesbian . I 'd already been ridiculed a bit for having been attracted to girls who were gay . I didn 't want to get ridiculed again . There was a bunch of stuff on the dining table , which may have been below the height of my knee , something like a coffee table 's height . I picked up some of the stuff and carried it to the wall behind me . The stuff may have been empty and dirty dishes . I may have been carrying them to a sink to clean them . It was night . I was sitting at an outdoor table in front of a Jack in the Box restaurant with my mom 's best friend . We were eating some kind of sandwiches that had ham and eggs . We may have been talking about old times for a moment or two . But then I got distracted by a message on my cell phone . There was a whole string of messages that came from Riley Kilo , an adult baby transgendered person who has been an advocate for adult babies in a number of different media arenas . Apparently Riley Kilo and I were kind of like friends . But there was something not quite right about our relationship , like I was always doing something to upset or frustrate Riley and make her feel like she was never getting through to me . But now Riley was coming to Denver . She 'd made this announcement on her blog and in a number of different places , hoping I 'd catch on . She 'd even sent me this whole string of emails directly . But I hadn 't seen or responded to any of them . Finally , she 'd sent me an email saying that she was coming to Denver and that she was going to come to my apartment , whether I liked it or not , on the assumption that she was staying there . Once she got there , if I still didn 't want her around , I could just kick her out . I may have thought that I 'd respond to this message by saying , " Okay . " But I don 't think I responded . I think I just sat there for a moment , trying to figure out what the heck I should do . I suddenly realized that I 'd been sitting in absolute silence with my mom 's best friend for a good amount of time now . I thought I 'd been making progress during our conversation , up until I 'd looked at my phone , with letting my mom 's friend understand how much I liked her and appreciated her . But now that it had been silent for so long , I think my mom 's friend was wondering whether I actually liked her . So now I asked my mom 's friend , " Do you remember before Jack in the Box made its big change , and when I was a little kid , how you and my mom and I would come here all the time ? We 'd have breakfast sandwiches . " My mom 's friend remembered this . But something about her memory seemed to come from a different time period than I was talking about . I got distracted again , trying to figure out how to describe the time period exactly right , so my mom 's friend would know exactly what I was talking about . I was " at my old job . " I was in a break room . I had been really angry and made some kind of a scene and quit my job just a while ago . My boss walked in . He was pretty sure I hated him now . But I felt bad for having made such a scene . Even though I didn 't say anything to my boss , I tried to show , by using non - violent body language , that I was sorry for what I 'd done . I was looking through a binder filled with clear plastic sleeves . The sleeves had small artworks inserted into them . The works varied in size , so that multiple works were fitted into each sleeve , each into its own pocket . The works were like prints , very blocky , almost like the fronts of old product boxes . My boss left out a door on the wall behind me . He may have mentioned that he had to go to a meeting . I continued flipping through the pages . A while later , my boss came back . He may have been carrying a bag of fast food with him . He came up on my left side and handed me a stack of papers . There were two papers with handwritten messages on the bottom . He asked me if I could hand these papers directly to our office manager . Just at that time , our office manager entered . She had been really upset by how I had acted . So I tried to show her how well I had patched everything up between myself and my boss by handing the papers directly to my boss that my boss had asked me to hand directly to the office manager ( ? ? ? ) . The three of us all seemed to feel comfortable with each other again . I was sitting toward a corner on one of the long ends of the table now . I was still flipping through the binder of artworks . My boss may have been speaking with me , asking me about a specific project I 'd need to take care of . A view of an office . I 'm not sure whether I was actually there . The view was probably of a lobby - like area , near the receptionist 's desk . There were a few filing cabinets in the area as well . A tall , young man was speaking with another worker . I started thinking about my whole choice of career paths . I thought about the very beginning of my career , when I 'd been given the choice to work with a woman in one department of the company I 'd been working for , or with a man in another department . I 'd chosen to work with the man . But I started to wonder what would have happened had I worked with the woman , in the other department . There was now a view of a backyard of a big house . It seemed to be autumn . Two girls were swinging on an improbably high swing . My view was floating up and down with the swaying of the swings . A man , whose voice I recognized as that of JM , one of my old co - workers , was either on the phone or had just gotten off the phone with one of his neighbors . JM then told his wife E that the neighbors would like the family to come over , so JM 's daughters could play with the neighbors ' daughters . I was at some big place , probably something like a fair that was composed of indoor attractions and outdoor attractions . I had been inside one of the indoor attractions , a futuristic - looking , white tent at the end of a long plaza . But I had gone out to take care of something for one of my friends . I had probably left the tent and gone and taken care of everything by flying . I was now flying back to the tent . I may not have been sure my friend was still there . I may actually have been worried that my friend was lost and that I 'd need to go find him . I may have tried to continued to fly , but I may have gotten " gravitated " toward a different group of people . I was - - somehow - - all tangled up with a member of this group : a kind of fat , pale man with long , frizzy hair and a goatee . He wore a t - shirt and shorts . I don 't know what the heck kind of body I had , but the man had to untangle me from himself , like he would have had to untangle a purse from off his shoulders . But the man did this naturally as he spoke with his friends . He was with three or four other people , a mix of men and women . The whole group of people seemed cool . But they were talking about some conspiracy theory having to do with the bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki ( although - - I 'm not sure that Hiroshima was actually called " Hiroshima " in the dream ) . The idea was that there was one person in each instance who was ultimately responsible for the dropping of the bombs . It was like these two people were the ones most affected by the feeling of moral responsibility . But the argument was that these two people had been silenced by the government because of their feelings of moral responsbility . As the people discussed this , we all ( I as some kind of flying entity that was still floating but was slowly descending toward the ground ) turned up the walkway toward the futuristic tent . I eventually - - I think - - landed in a stroller . I was either an adult , sitting in a stroller like I was a baby ; or else I had actually become a small child or baby sitting in the stroller . The discussion of the conspiracy continued . But it didn 't seem to me like there was much government involvement in this conspiracy . One of the guys , maybe the guy who 'd dropped the bomb on Nagasaki , had simply committed suicide . But the other guy 's story was a little weird . I listened to it as I descended ( awkwardly , as I remember it ) into the stroller , and as we passed a concrete structure that looked like an entrance to a subway station . The man with the frizzy hair and goatee said , " The man asked the government to re - program him . If you were experiencing too much feeling of moral responsibility for what you 'd done , the government could re - program you . They did it to some people involuntarily . But you could also request to be re - programmed . And this guy requested it , otherwise he was going to commit suicide . " But just before he got re - programmed , he was arrested on some drug - related charge . Man . . . I can 't imagine . I don 't ever want to be in trouble because of any of that substance - related crap . " I was sitting at a dining table in some kind of communal area , like a really big version of a house 's dining room . The atmosphere was really relaxed , even though there were quite a few people scattered among the various dining tables . People may have been watching a television that was somewhere . My little niece walked up to me . She was wearing a little , white dress with baby blue fringes and probably a belt - like , baby blue ribbon at the waist . She also wore white spandex leggings and white tennis shoes . She asked if she could sit on my lap . I said sure . She hopped up rather quickly and easily . I commented that she must have grown , because before it would have taken her some effort to get up onto my lap . My niece sat with her legs straight out . She began squirming around a bit , humming a little tune , I guess like she thought she was dancing while she was sitting . So I grabbed her legs , probably at her shins or ankles . I began humming a classical music tune while moving her legs to the melody . It was a little difficult . I don 't think my niece quite knew what I was doing or how to cooperate with the movements of my arms . My niece asked what I was doing . I said , " It 's a way to tell if your feet are awake . It 's like saying , ' Hey , feet ! Wake up ! ' And your feet will tell you if you 're awake . " I suddenly had a view , either directly or in my mind 's eye , of one of my feet . I said , " You can ask your foot , ' Are you awake ? ' And if your foot 's awake , he 'll move up and down , like this . " I moved my foot laterally . " And if your foot 's not awake , he 'll move side to side , like this . " I twisted my foot from side to side . I was laying on the floor in the lobby of a doctor 's office . Some people were with me , behind me , sitting on chairs . The doctor had just entered the room and was standing just inside the doorway , in front of me , but at a distance of maybe three meters . He was a white man with a slightly balding head of grey hair . He wore squarish eyeglasses and he had blue eyes . He wore something like a cardigan sweater , a button - up shirt , and slacks . The doctor began explaining something about either his diagnostic techniques or medicine that he prescribed for people . He may have been talking about both things . He explained that his techniques were used to cure people of one of the most frequent causes of death in the United States . The doctor said , " The second most frequent cause of death in the United States , excepting suicide . . . " and he looked at me significantly . I looked away from the doctor . He made me feel really uncomfortable . The doctor then went on to talk about the second most frequent cause of death . I don 't think he ever mentioned the most frequent cause of death . But I think he did mention that in the United States , suicides were becoming so frequent that they were almost the third leading cause of death ( ? ? ? ) . I was watching a young man perform some kind of athletic process . It was for some competition that he 'd later be a part of . The young man was a clean - cut kid , like a stereotypical Olympic gymnast . He may have been white , but he may also have been Hispanic . There was basically an orange wall . The left side of the wall had a yellow bar attached to it . To the right of the bar , at the same height as the bar , was a hoop , like a basketball hoop . Then to the right of that was a cube that jutted out from the wall , like it was a part of the wall . The top of the cube was the same height at the bar and the hoop . There were also a red light and a blue light , right next to each other , somewhere - - either over the bar or between the bar and the hoop . The young man would descend through the bar , between the bar and the wall , then bounce right back upward through the bar . He would then descend through the hoop . At this point , during his practices , he would do some weird kind of move , where he 'd bounce really high . ( I 'm not really sure how - - or where - - any of these " bounces " actually took place . ) The young man would then have to aim himself really carefully so that he could latch onto the hoop . But he 'd often miss the hoop altogether . If he caught onto the hoop , I think he 'd swing himself onto the top of the cube platform . The man may have practiced this a few times . I watched him . I provided encouragement . I may also have given a few small pieces of advice . The man , I think , ended the practice session with a better idea of what he wanted to do . It was now the actual competition . All the time I was watching , I heard an announcer 's voice . But I can 't remember much of what he said . The young man descended through the bar , then bounced up through the bar . He descended through the hoop . But this time , instead of bouncing way high into the air , he just bounced up to the level of the hoop . He latched directly onto the hoop . This was a huge surprise for the announcer , who shouted out , " He 's finally got it ! What a move ! " I could probably also hear a crowd cheering for the young man . The man began swinging back and forth . I think he had to wait until the lights flashed either red or blue . Then he could swing himself off the hoop and onto the cube platform . The announcer cried , " If he can swing up onto the platform in time , he 'll break the world record ! " The light finally flashed the correct color . The young man swung himself off the hoop . I wasn 't sure he 'd make it . But he flipped up and landed on the platform . The announcer cried , " One minute and three seconds ! A new world record ! " I stood up and ran to the young man . The young man was now a copper skinned man , kind of skinny and scraggly looking , with long , shaggy hair that curled down over his forehead and eyes . He wore an orange tank top and shorts . And his eyes looked a little crazy . The young man was really grateful to me because I 'd supported him so much through his training . He hugged me passionately . I think he was sexually attracted to me , and that he was trying to break me out of my shell and make me sexually attracted to him , too . The man crossed over some rope that separated the competition from the spectators . We stood by some big , comfortable chair . The man hugged me again , very passionately . I dropped something I 'd been holding in my left hand , maybe a water bottle , into the chair . I suddenly realized that I was sexually attracted to the young man as well . I really wanted to be somewhere alone with him as soon as possible . But I think at this point the young man walked away to go take care of some other stuff . I was in an office , or actually a place more like a bank . The place looked very nice , with wood walls and wood desks . The desks were all spaced well apart , just like in the customer service area of a bank . Two people sat down before a desk . A woman sat down behind the desk . I either floated above this scene or stood behind the couple ( although if I was standing , I must have been kind of tall ) . The couple seemed to be kind of surprised to see the woman behind the desk . They were used to dealing with somebody else . But the woman behind the desk , a kind of young looking , Asian woman with a cute , round face and wearing a very prim black - grey skirt - suit and white button - up shirt , told the couple that the woman who usually helped them would not be able to help them today . The way the woman said this implied that the original woman would never be able to help them again , like she 'd either quit or been fired from the position . The couple was surprised . I think they wanted to know why they hadn 't been informed of this . But they were too shy to ask the question right out . So they asked how long it had been since the woman had been unable to help her customers . The new woman replied something like , " Well , she just started getting her stuff ready a few moments ago . " This meant , I thought , that the woman had probably quit the job . She 'd probably announced that she was quitting only fifteen minutes or so ago . And now the woman was packing up and leaving . The new woman was taking over the original woman 's responsibilities immediately . But she wasn 't upset by this . She even seemed to be gloating over the fact that the woman had left . I walked into a bookstore . I got into the bookstore by heading down into a basement . The bookstore was just a huge , empty room with wood walls and green carpet . At the far end of the room was a checkout counter , which was also made of wood . There may have been a couple of tall machines behind the counter . There were two guys behind the counter . I had apparently spoken with the guys before . Now I was coming back . Both the guys seemed pretty cool . They were both probably in their late forties or early fifties . One of the guys stood up and spoke with me . He was tall , with short , grey and black hair . We chatted for a moment . The other guy , who was sitting obscured behind one of the tall machines , poked his head out . He told me that he and his friend were just getting ready to have a beer . This implied that he 'd like me to join them for a beer . I thought about it for a moment and said that I really couldn 't . I could hang around for a bit , but I couldn 't drink any beer just then . I felt bad because I knew these guys were starting to think of me as their friend . If I didn 't drink a beer with them , they 'd think I was just thinking of them as bookstore owners , not as friends . Whatever I 'd said must have been kind of ambiguous , because now the long - haired guy was having me head downstairs with him while he got the beers . The downstairs area was about as big as the upstairs area , but the ceilings were a little lower . There were two wet bars , I believe : one on the right wall and one on the left . The guy went behind the bar on the left wall . But I was looking at the bar on the right wall . The scene stayed the same , but it was now a meeting hall instead of a bookstore . There were a bunch of seats to my left ( as I faced the right wall ) , all facing the back wall . There was a little stage jutting out of the back wall . A woman stood on the stage , haranguing a half - full crowd . The crowd may mostly have been young adults or older children . The woman may have been doing something like trying to incite a revolution . I was drawn into the situation somehow by someone who had been standing off to the side . I can 't remember how I got drawn in . It may have been that somebody 'd called attention to something I 'd done , maybe something stupid . I was just walking back to a hamburger stand I worked at , after I 'd gone to get some kind of help for the place . It was early evening . The sun had set , and the sky was a cool silver blue . The hamburger stand was stout and white . There were a few sections on the left side ( as I faced it ) that were open to the outside , just like open - air counters people could sit at . Around those counters there were also a few outdoor tables , probably circular and made of concrete edged with pebbles . I sat down at the counter . Some guys coming from off to my left were bringing trays full of Mexican food . It actually looked like food from Taco Bell . There seemed to be plates and plates of Nacho Supremes . This was what I 'd done for the hamburger stand . The place had been running out of one specific kind of food . I 'd needed to ask another fast food place to give us a comparable kind of food , so we could keep selling . So I 'd gotten the taco stand to give us all this food . As one of the guys was loading food onto the counter , I tried , in a really horrible way , to say , " Thank you . You really helped us , " in Spanish . I apologized in English for my terrible Spanish before I spoke the Spanish . And my Spanish was really horrible . I can 't remember it now , except that I think I said something like " me lo ayuda " for " you helped us . " The guy I spoke to in Spanish was now like my manager at the hamburger stand . He walked behind me then sat down at the counter , to my right . I was saying that if this place sold out of food , it must be really popular . The man said that it actually wasn 't popular , due to one of the items on the menu . I asked what the item was . The man seemed really hesitant to tell me . But he eventually said that people didn 't like the fries . I thought about it as I looked into the store and saw people sitting at the inside tables . I thought I saw the man 's point . Maybe , I suggested , the people thought the fries were bland ? The man nodded . I was in a bedroom . It may have been night . There was an incandescent light on in the room . I was probably cleaning the bedroom . I was probably in the room with one of my siblings , who may have been a child . There were two bunk beds against the back wall of the bedroom . My sibling sat on the lower bunk of the right bunk bed . I sat on the floor in between the two beds . I probably had a stack of used baby diapers - - used by me , likely , even though I was my current age - - before me on the floor . There were also sheets of newspaper scattered all over the floor , as well as stuffed animals everywhere . There may also have been some kind of grainy substance , like salt or sand , strewn in places on the floor . Yet I had been cleaning the room , and I 'd thought I 'd gotten to a point where the room was nearly clean . My mom walked into the room . The first thing I worried about was the diapers . I didn 't know how to explain them . Nobody else used this room . So obviously the baby diapers were mine . But my mom didn 't seem to be aware of the diapers . At first , I think , she just thought that the place looked really messy . I think she was asking me questions about that . I think I answered that I was going through the cleaning in layers . I 'd cleaned a number of layers , but I left the layers of stuff that I 'd thought I still needed . That was , for instance , why I 'd left the sheets of newspaper on the floor . I 'd also left all the stuffed animals . I wasn 't going to throw the stuffed animals out . They belonged to my sibling ( my sister ? ) , and I respected the fact that my sibling liked stuffed animals . Suddenly my mom got very angry and started asking me about the diapers . I didn 't know how to explain them at all . I think I only mentioned that I was planning on throwing them away as soon as possible . I was now out walking alone on a road that ran through a flat , grassy plain . It was probably early evening . The sky was really beautiful , with shades of blue and pink . The colors in the sky may have shifted from time to time , so that there were always new , brilliant combinations of evening colors . I was apparently engaged on the task of taking something back to some place . But someone behind me caught my attention . I turned around . The person was probably a woman , maybe in her forties or fifties . She was blonde , dressed in a tan suit with a skirt that went down to about her kneest . She had her hair up in a short , tight , style . Her hair was blonde and grey . She looked very beautiful and stately , but a little worn out . She held five knives , with their points down , close to her chest . The knives had silver handles . They may just have been butter knives . The woman asked me what I was doing . I may have replied that I 'd been sent out to return the stuffed animals that had been in the bedroom I was cleaning . " But , " I told the woman , " I 'm really not going to return the stuffed animals . It would be cruel to my sibling . I only needed to make it seem to my mom like I was going to do that . " The woman may have discussed something else with me , probably something that made me wonder how I was going to get home from where I was right now . I may have told the woman that it was finally getting dark , and that I 'd need to make my way back home before it got too dark for me to see my way . I knew it was going to be dark soon , because the sky had taken on an intensely vivid , though deep and dim , yellow - green glow at the horizon . So I started walking back home . I reached something like an intersection . The road crossing the road I was on was small , like the road I was on . But it was busy , and big trucks occasionally ran down it . Right across the road was a river . The road I was on crossed the river , but not quite in a direct line with the stretch of road I was on . The crossing was a little off to one side . Just then it became pitch black . I couldn 't see anything at all . The headlights from the cars on the road may have given me a little light . But I think that usually the cars were even driving without headlights . The only lights I constantly saw were the lights of the town I was trying to get back to . But they didn 't provide enough light for me to see where I was going . I 'd managed to cross the busy road . I was now at the river . I was trying to find the crossing . But I couldn 't find it in the dark . I would edge my way from side to side along the bank of the river ( which was just off the edge of the busy road ) , nudging into the air with one of my toes , trying to hit the solid structure that I 'd know was the crossing . But I couldn 't find it . I thought I 'd just try to cross the river by wading across the river . But I knew the river was too deep for that . I edged my way over to the left , still poking my foot out to find the crossing . But now a huge semi - truck came barreling down the road . I must have been a little bit into the road . The truck screeched to a stop , almost , I thought , hitting me . I could feel the waves of heat pouring off the truck and flowing along my back . Suddenly I fell down , almost like I 'd fainted . I was lying on the ground , right underneath the front left tire of the truck . I was wrapped up in a white sheet , like swaddling clothes , or a burial sheet . I started to wonder if I hadn 't been hit by the truck after all . The headlights for the truck were now on . I could see them . The driver got out of the truck and ran to see me . I didn 't feel hurt . I didn 't know whether I was injured . I figured I could probably still use all my limbs , though , for some reason , I didn 't want to try at the moment . The driver may have attempted to lift me out from under the tire . He may have succeeded . Other drivers may have stopped and gathered around the front of the truck . I heard the flat , desperate scream of a woman . I was at my great grandmother 's house . ( My great grandmother died about three years ago in waking life . ) It was daytime , and golden sunlight filtered into the living room , like it always did . I was here with my mom and my sister . My great grandma had had some kind of bad accident . We all thought she was going to die . But now she was up and walking around the house , taking care of household chores . But , for some reason , either my mom and my sister or just my mom thought my great grandma was still going to die . I was trying to be a bit more positive about things . I tried to help my grandma out with her household chores . I had been in the hallway , maybe walking out from my grandma 's bedroom . I could see my grandma walking around in the living room . I then walked into the " guest bedroom , " the spare bedroom my grandma kept available for family members who wanted to stay the night . I could see my grandma heading toward the guest bedroom . I was doing something like arranging a huge pile of quilts on the bed . The pile was all stacked up neat and orderly . These were all quilts my grandma had made . The top one probably had a red and green design on it . As my grandma walked into the room , she discussed something with me . She may have spoken about smoothing out the quilt 's top . Or she may not have discussed it . But that 's what I was doing , for some reason . My grandma and I started having an interesting conversation ( of course - - I forget it now ! ) . I was really engaged on one point , when suddenly I saw my grandpa ( my mom 's dad , who died about four years ago in waking life ) coming toward the bedroom . For some reason , the door to the bedroom was open only a crack . But I could still see my grandpa . I stopped what I was talking about in mid - sentence . I didn 't want my grandpa to be involved in the conversation , for some reason . When my grandpa came into the room he said something nice to my grandma . He said something else to both me and my grandma . I smiled and treated my grandpa very politely and listened to what he had to say . My grandma walked out of the room . My grandpa switched his position so that I kind of had to face away from the bed . I may have held one of the quilts in my arms . I may have been folding it , so I may have held it folded over one of my arms . My grandpa told me something like , " When I died , at first I was a little woozy . I woke into the new world , but I didn 't know what it was . Slowly I began to see things clearly again . But only a little bit . And that 's when I saw angels . The angels were all facing in different directions , each to a different specific location in the world . One angel faced toward Argentina . Another angel faced toward Venezuela . . . " I could see , in my mind 's eye , a place full of light . At certain points , the bright , shining , white light seemed to resolve itself into clouds . There may have been golden gates at certain places in the clouds . In the clouds stood angels . The angels were , in fact , spaced widely apart and facing in all different directions . I think I figured that there must have been one angel for every country in the world . I was walking along the pedestrian portion of a large bridge , crossing over a large river . The pedestrian walkway was enormous , and the bridge must have been enormous as well . I was walking up toward a stairway up to the next section of walkway . The stairway ran between two walls of huge , stone blocks . It was a bright , clear day . But in the shade it felt cold , and there may have been some ice on the steps . I thought to myself what a comfort it was that my grandpa had visited me . I thought that now that he had shared his vision of the afterlife with me , I 'd be much less afraid of dying . I probably thought of the experience as a dream , but I may have kept a little feeling with me that it had actually , physically , happened inside my great grandma 's house . I thought I 'd share the experience I 'd had with my family . But , walking out from between the stone walls and out onto the next walkway ( which may also have had coatings of ice or snow along its edges ) , I thought that I may not share the experience . I felt like my mom , and possibly my aunt , had had experiences already with my grandpa and great grandma . I didn 't want their experiences to conflict with my experiences , and I didn 't want them to change their accounts of their own experiences so they would fit in with my account . I passed some sort of stone gate along the walkway . The walkway , which had been sloping up slightly , now became much flatter . I figured I was about halfway across the bridge by now . A dog came running up past the gates . It was a border collie . The man with the dog was still behind the gate . He was out jogging with his dog . But the dog had run a ways ahead of the man . The dog lay down right at a spot in the path where the coatings of snow had become so wide as to take up all but a central portion of the path . The dog was rolling around , growling , and baring his teeth so frantically that I was afraid to approach it . It seemed like a violent dog that would attack me if I got near it . But I was still a ways away from where the dog had stopped , and I figured I wouldn 't have to worry about what to do for a few more seconds . But now the man came running up from behind me . He quickly reached the dog . The man appeared to be in his fifties . He looked healthy , muscular , and tan . He was bald and wore sunglasses , a red ( or rusty tan ? ) t - shirt and some running shorts . He cheerfully told me ( I was still a ways away ) that the dog was actually a good dog and wasn 't anything to worry about , especially since the man was now with him . The man may even now have had the dog on a leash . But as I approached the point in the path where the man and the dog stood - - not moving forward , the man maybe jogging in place - - the dog began barking violently and frantically . The dog then did some weird move where it rolled through a puddle . The puddle splashed unbelievably high , sending a wave of water toward me . The water swept over me and shocked me . I backed up , out of the way of the wave . But I still thought of approaching the point in the path where the dog stood . But now , when the dog barked , sheets of cold , clear rain dropped from the sky ! They seemed to fall in time with the dog 's bark ! The sky was completely clear , but the sheets of rain would still fall . I backed up quite a bit , maybe all the way back behind the gates I 'd crossed when the dog had first passed me . I waited until the rains stopped . Then I began walking forward again . I think the dog and man were still at the point on the bridge . But now a group of teachers and students were approaching from the other side of the bridge . I think this may have made the dog less violent . I crossed the part of the walkway that was really coated in snow . I was now on a much thinner section of walkway . I could actually see out , on both sides , to the river we were crossing over . We were really high over the river ! I could also see the big city on the other side of the river . I think I crossed two groups of teachers and students . The teachers were all pretty , smart - looking women , probably in their late twenties . The students may mostly have been girls . A lot of the students looked like they came from places other than America . I believe I had tried to make space for the children by getting as far off to the side as I could . But the teachers made all the students turn their backs on me and stretch out their arms . It was like the children and teachers were all making a fence . The teachers were like fence posts , all evenly spaced between the students . The students , I notice , all wore pink wool caps and pink wool scarves and pea coats of some maroon - purplish color . At first I felt like the teachers had put this " human fence " in place specifically to block me from crossing the bridge . But the students weren 't blocking the passage at all . In fact , they even seemed to be standing up on the coating of snow , completely faced away from me . So now I wondered if the teachers had put this " human fence " where they 'd put it so I 'd have no chance of seeing any of the children 's faces , like , if I saw the children 's faces , I would do something perverted to the children . I was down in the subway in New York City . The subway platform I was on was really big and really crowded . But it was also constructed so that it felt really tiny and tight . The walls arced over toward the tracks very steeply . The light was a dirty , glaring white fluorescent light . A group of kids , maybe in their early twenties , stood behind me , around me in a half - circle , like they had gravitated toward me and were trying to make me a part of their group . From their conversation I gathered that the kids had come from Texas . They were here as tourists . This was their first day here . They had probably only gotten here a few hours ago . They were now headed back to their hotel . But they felt that they hadn 't seen enough . They hadn 't really known how to get around . And they were worried that tomorrow they still wouldn 't know how to get around . They wouldn 't be able to use their time efficiently . And they wouldn 't be able to see all the sights they wanted to see . There were a few guys and a couple of girls . The girls all looked pretty , clean , casually dressed , but well made - up . The guys were all kind of scraggly , sunburnt , with messy hair and messy clothes . But the guys and the girls were all cool . Even though they were upset about not knowing what they were doing , they all seemed to be joking and laughing with each other . I turned toward the guy who stood directly behind me . He had scraggly , tightly curled , blonde hair , a red - pink and pale white face , and he wore a dark , dingy blue t - shirt . I told the guy , kind of speaking to him over my shoulder , " You know , the easiest way to do this is just to get a subway map . You can find out where everything is where you want to go . Then just look at the subway map to see where you need to catch the trains to get there . " The man said that he didn 't want to spend a lot of money on some map . But I told him the subway map was free . He seemed surprised by this and asked me how he could get a subway map . I told him , " You just go to the subway booth . At a lot of stops , you 'll see , right past the exits , a little , silver structure with a worker sitting at it . You just go up to that worker and ask for a subway map . Look . I 'll show you . " I led the kids over to the stairway ( or set of stairways ? ) that led up to the turnstiles leading out of the station . Just past the turnstiles was a service booth . A worker sat at the booth . The kids all went up to the booth to ask for a map . I hoped the booth wasn 't out of maps . It wasn 't . The kids got their maps . I watched one of the boys pull out his wallet and slide his subway card through the turnstile . We all started walking back down the steps to the platform . The kids all told me thanks . Apparently , now that the kids knew their way around ( of course , they hadn 't even opened the maps yet ) , they were heading off on some different train . But I think the kids wanted me to be friends with them and help them out in getting places while they were touring around here . I thought I should give them my phone number or email address . But I couldn 't tell if they really wanted me around . So I told the kids that I had to hurry away to catch my train . I ran off to the right as they headed down another set of stairs off to the left . A view of a map superimposed over a view of a city . In the city it was a rainy afternoon . The sky was very dark . Some form of public transportation was traveling over the map and through the city . I had to use that form of transportation . I think that at first I would use a bus , but that then I would switch to a subway . A man I probably couldn 't see asked me if I would be alright taking the transportation . It was raining , and maybe there were places where I 'd have to walk from one stop to the next through the rain . Plus , the overall ride might be a lot longer than I 'd expected . But I told the man I 'd be okay . If you did the route the right way , it actually went pretty quickly . I traced the route along the map . As I did , I saw images of a bus , bus stops , the rainy town , and subway stops , all along the route I wanted to take . But there may actually have been some problems with the lines I was looking for . I may have found more difficulty in planning out my route than I 'd first expected . I was at my family 's house . I had gone into a bedroom to go to bed . Everybody else was still out in the living room . It was still early in the night . The sky was still light outside , so the light in the bedroom was a dim grey - blue . I lay in a big bed , covered up by a nice , big , white blanket . I had been chewing on some Corn Flakes cereal at some point in time . From the chewed up pieces of corn flakes , I made one regular sized corn flake . I held it before my face . It was dry and hard , like a regular corn flake . But it looked a little paler and kind of scaly . There may have been some object , like a little earring , at its center . My second oldest nephew suddenly came into the room . I didn 't want him to see that I was looking so intently on a corn flake made up out of other chewed up corn flakes . So I quickly hid the corn flake in my hand and slid my hand under the blanket . My nephew , thinking I was hiding something like money or candy , immediately became interested . At first he only called attention to the fact that I 'd hid something from him . When he did that , another boy , probably my youngest nephew , ran into the room . The two boys ran back and forth at the wall facing the foot of the bed . It was like they were giving all the furniture ( not sure what ) along that wall a surface inspection for something I might have hidden . I said something about how I didn 't have anything hidden . This convinced the second boy , who left . But my second oldest nephew wasn 't convinced . He ran up to the bed and jumped on it . He was on all fours , near my left side . He started calling out how he knew I had hidden whatever I had under the bed . It seemed like if it was candy or money , my nephew felt he absolutely had to know about it . I didn 't realize until this time that my nephew wasn 't wearing a shirt . But he was wearing something on his head that looked like he 'd turned his shirt into a headdress . The headdress almost looked like the hat of a jester . Some muscular guy with very smooth , tan skin and probably a bald head , was sitting on a couch . He was either naked or topless . The man was explaining how he was doing something that had something to do with kids . He was bragging about how well he understood kids and what kids needed . He was saying that it was almost like he was a kid himself . But he really just struck me as a big sleaze . I thought I 'd watch out for any kids , if he was taking care of them . The man held a little device in his left hand . It was like two plastic circles connected by a string . The two plastic circles sat side by side and rotated , like fans . The string apparently expanded , so that the two circles would drift apart from each other . But I 'm pretty sure I never saw the circles separate . Nevertheless , as the man spoke , I watched either the circles or the shadows of the circles encompass the man 's nipples , one circle for each nipple . As a part of some investigative operation , I had to go to a children 's school . I 'm pretty sure it was a high school . But it may have been a school for younger children . I had to go to the school with a group of kids . It was like I was a part of the kids ' family . This whole " family " may actually have been undercover operatives , like myself , or they may have been an actual family , unaware of the secret investigator role I was playing . I think I acted as myself , at my age . I don 't think I took on the identity of a child . It was the first day of school . Our father , a tall , thin , black man , pulled us up to the front of the school . I was sitting in the front passenger seat of the car . The father parked in a little parking space right before a little sidewalk that led to the front doors of the school . It was a nice , cool morning , with traces of autumn in the air . The kids got out of the car . It seemed like all the kids were of all different ages . Some of the kids were very young . Some of the kids seemed to wear school uniforms , while others may possibly have been wearing regular clothes . All the other kids ran up to the school building and into the school while I was still getting out of the car . There was one kid left in the car . He looked like my oldest nephew , except that he may have been a few years younger than he is in waking life . He crawled up from the backseat to the front seat and buckled himself in . I walked up to the school building . I had a big book bag with me . It was full of stuff . As I passed through the doors , I realized that I hadn 't organized my book bag at all . It would be a big mess . I was pretty sure this school had a security checkpoint right at the front . I 'd have to show my bag , which was a huge mess and would probably make me look suspicious . But I 'd also have to show my ID . I knew I had two forms of identification in my bag . But it would probably be a real hassle to find them . This would make me look even more suspicious . Security guards everywhere seemed to hate me . But I was going to make a really bad impression with the security guards at this checkpoint . I was walking through some town . But I was hungry for a breakfast burrito . I knew there were two places where I could get a breakfast burrito . One was the Connecticut Muffin nearby ( which was like the Connecticut Muffin in Fort Greene , Brooklyn - - except that I wasn 't in Brooklyn ) . The other was a place a few blocks down the road from the Connecticut Muffin . I knew the other place made better breakfast burritos . But I had the impulse to have a breakfast burrito as soon as possible . So I decided to head into the Connecticut Muffin . I walked inside the Connecticut Muffin , which really did look just like the Connecticut Muffin in Fort Greene , except that it had a huge belt - rope line - maze leading up to the order counter . There was almost nobody in the store . So I walked through the maze and up to the front of the line . Now there were two or three people just behind me . The worker , a young woman with light brown skin and frizzy , black hair , must have asked if she could take my order . But now she said , " Oh , you don 't need any help ? Okay . I 'll get the next person . " I was surprised that the woman had said that . I hadn 't remembered her even asking if I wanted help . I said , " No , no . I 'd like to get something . " The woman seemed a little disappointed that I wanted to place an order . For some reason I had to give the woman my money before I placed an order . I might have given her a twenty dollar bill , since that was all I had on me . I asked the woman for a breakfast burrito . The woman replied in a condescending voice , obviously pleased that she didn 't have to help me , and handing me back my money ( something like fourteen or fifteen dollars ? ) , " Oh , no , we aren 't allowed to do breakfast burritos anymore . We lost our license for that . The health inspectors came in and discovered we were serving our burritos at way too cold a temperature . " I was in a grocery store . I was possibly near the back end of the store , on the left side of the store ( as a person would face the store from front to back ) . The aisles near me seemed to be in disarray , like they were being rearranged , or like new stock had come in and was being added to the shelves . There were a few workers in the area that was disorganized . One of them was a tall , white man , probably young , even though his face looked a little worn - out . This man was probably the manager . I had probably been afraid of interacting with the workers . They seemed really boisterous , and I was afraid that they 'd start making fun of me if I got too close to them . But the manager walked up to me . He said , not as if he was saying it to me , but as if he were saying it to his friends , but loud enough that I could hear , " Weird Al loves this place . " I knew that the manager meant the comedy singer " Weird Al " Yankovic . I didn 't think it could be true that Weird Al even came to this grocery store , let alone that he could love the store . So I thought that somehow the manager had found out that I liked Weird Al , and that he was just saying this to impress me . But the manager motioned me to come along with him to the back room . The back room was really small , for a grocery store . The man told me that he seriously meant that Weird Al came to this store a lot , and that he really loved the place . I was now a worker for the store . Perhaps I had been this whole time . The manager brought me back out into the main area . We were all alone in the side aisle now . The place was still cluttered up . There were even big boxes running across the aisles , slanted diagonally from the floor of one side of the aisle to the top of the other side of the aisle . The boxes were thin , like they might have carried poles or fluorescent bulbs in them . The manager was walking backward as I walked forward . He was speaking to me excitedly . He said , " In fact , Weird Al is just now coming back from a concert tour . He 'll be coming in here one of these nights . We already have a cake made for him . " In my mind 's eye I could see a round , white cake with red words on the top . I had to walk either under or over one of the tall , slanting boxes that took up the aisle . As I did so , a bright flash of light probably filled my view . We were now at the front of the store . The window walls of the store probably showed that it was dark outside . The store was basically empty of customers . There was a long expanse of checkout lines . The manager stopped at the registers nearest us . A couple of blonde girls had a couple of registers , and the manager needed to check in on the girls . I walked down a few registers . There was another blonde girl . But her hair was shorter , and she looked less girly , more tomboyish , than the other two girls . I was a little attracted to her . She seemed to be wearing a kind of dumpy uniform , more like the 1980s style of uniform for Burger King than a modern uniform for a grocery store . I don 't know whether we talked , but we seemed to have some kind of interaction . I may have stood into the register beside her , as if I were going to start working that register . But then I walked away again . I had a big , fat book in my hand . I lay it down , probably on the woman 's register , but possibly on my own . I turned around and walked back toward the registers where the manager had been seeing to the other girls . Apparently a shift change was occurring . Some girls were counting the money in their registers , while other girls were putting their own new cash tills into the cash registers . I had been - - at some point ! - - carrying a paper coffee cup , like from a coffee shop . But now all I was holding was the heat - protector sleeve . I wanted to get rid of it . So I tore it up into tiny pieces . I walked past a thin column in the store . There was a small , white , plastic garbage can , like for use at an office desk . I tossed the shreds of paper in there . But when I looked , the garbage bag was empty , other than my shreds of paper and a ten dollar bill ! I thought that one of the cashier girls must have dropped ten dollars out of their register . I thought that somebody 's register would come up really short . I thought that somebody would definitely get in trouble for that . But I didn 't call attention to the ten dollars . I 'm not sure why . I just noted it , looked up , and kept walking . I walked back up the aisle I had come from . But now the aisle was clear , with no clutter or boxes . I walked all the way to the back of the store , then turned to walk toward the right side of the store . But as I walked , I realized I probably needed to head back to the registers . I have left my book - - which I now knew was Jim Marrs ' Trillion Dollar Conspiracy - - laying on the woman 's cash register conveyor belt . I couldn 't just leave my book sitting there . I needed to go back for it before I could continue walking around the store . I was in an apartment . The apartment unit was on the ground floor , but it may actually have been two stories tall . But the apartment was also something more like a hotel . It was obtained only for short periods of time . Either I had gotten the hotel , or some other person had gotten it and was having me watch the place , since I had nowhere to live . It was night . The photo and video artist Laurel Nakadate had just entered the apartment . We stood just in front of the door , in a space between the living room and a dining area . I was probably holding blankets and a pillow . Nakadate was kind of tall . She was wearing a tight , black tank top and tight , brown pants , maybe of some kind of suede - like material . Her hair was a little bit disheveled . Nakadate had probably come here for the night . She knew I had this place , and I 'd probably told her she could use it . But I was trying to keep the details of the place , and of my life overall , secret from her . I didn 't have a job anymore , and this place was only temporary . In fact , I didn 't know what I would do once I had to leave this place . I didn 't want Nakadate to know any of this about me . I felt like , if she knew , she 'd reject me as a worthless person . Nakadate and I had a conversation about something I can 't remember . It was a very calm and natural conversation , but I can 't remember what it was about . But all through the conversation , I did my best to conceal my situation and to act like everything was just fine . We agreed that Nakadate would go take care of something , maybe taking a shower ? , and that we 'd then meet in the bedroom just past the living room . I could see the light on in the bedroom . I walked through the living room and into the bedroom . My ex - girlfriend H , who had taken the place of Nakadate , was sitting on the bed , waiting for me . The bed was set along the back wall . H was watching a TV , which was set along the opposite wall . The bed H sat on was like a bed that had a second , pull - out bed in its underside . The lower bed was pulled out just enough so that H could use it either as a seat cushion , like the bed was a couch , or like a footrest , with the top mattress being used as a seat cushion . The rest of the room was completely empty . I sat down beside H . She may have been eating a cup of ramen . I " watched TV " with H , even though I 'm not sure I actually saw a TV at all . I may just have been staring at a blank wall . H and I began having some conversation , which may also have had to do with my living arrangements . My thoughts drifted into a woman talking about the living arrangements she and her husband had . The woman seemed to be a 1950s kind of woman , even though I 'm not sure what time period she really lived in . The woman and her husband both had very similar professions . And whatever the man and woman did , they liked to travel while doing it . They especially liked living in the mountains . So , the woman explained , the man and the woman opted to get a kind of extremely modular house . The houses were cheaper than normal houses . They were also much smaller than normal houses . But the man and woman didn 't like having a lot of space . They preferred having freedom . The houses were good for this . They could be picked up or dropped off by the buyers very easily , wherever they needed to go . However , the woman had lately found that the couple 's finances weren 't stable enough for the couple to afford the modular houses . So the woman was having to take her modular house back to the modular house store . All she did , actually , was get on a bicycle , to the front of which was attached the modular house , and pedal it down a mountain road . The house was so light that the woman could just pedal it away . The woman rode along a beautiful , undulating mountain road that was lined with pine trees and fields of yellow flowers . The sky was blue , marbled with wisps of white cirrus clouds . The woman was pale , and she wore a pale , rusty - tan dress , in the 1950s style , very understated , with thin buttons running down the blouse , and the skirt belling out just a bit , going down all the way to the ankles . The woman 's red - brown hair was done in a short , elegant style . The woman was " narrating " over this view . She said that this wasn 't unusual for her and her husband . They would often take their modular houses back to the store when they felt they couldn 't afford them . ( I 'm not sure what they did when they didn 't have houses . Did they camp ? ) But , eventually , the husband would start to feel good about his life and finances again . Then the couple would go out and get another modular home . After a while , the woman would see that the couple 's finances could no longer support their having a modular home . And the couple would take the modular home back to the shop . The woman looked very cheerful . And her narration had a cheerful tone . But it was evident that the woman was distressed about the couple 's financial situation . The woman probably wished that the husband would find some way of being more responsible . I now got a better view of the modular home . It didn 't look like much of a home at all . It was a wooden structure , like it was made out of old shipping pallets , or out of rough - hewn , wooden boards . I don 't think I could make out much of a house - like structure to the construction . And it looked really small , maybe not more than three meters long and wide , and not more than a meter or a meter and a half tall . Nevertheless , it still looked really heavy . I wondered how the woman could just bike it all the way down to town , especially on a mountain road like this . The woman , in " narration , " cheerfully answered that most of the ride was downhill anyway , that the modular home was small and light , and that the modular home actually was even lighter than it already looked . I watched the woman from the crest of a hill . As the woman seemed to be coming round a bend , something happened . I could tell ahead of time that the woman was going to crash . She did . The bike and the modular home wound off onto the shoulder of the road . The woman flew off the bike and landed face down in a patch of pink flowers . I thought the woman was dead . But apparently she was alive . I probably heard the woman , in narration , explaining why the crash hadn 't hurt so much . But she hadn 't stood up yet . My view panned up the slope . I drifted along the road , back up to the spot where the modular home used to be . But the modular home was still there . I now heard the husband 's voice in narration . But it was like the husband 's voice was my voice as well , or , actually , more like my thoughts and feelings were controlling the husband 's voice , which was a lot more dignified than my voice . I could also see an image of the husband in my mind 's eye : a 1940s style photo of a handsome young man in military dress uniform . The husband / I was explaining how he / I wasn 't planning on getting rid of the modular home . The wife had always been anxious about finances . But the husband / I had a feeling that the couple 's finances would be fine soon enough . The husband / I felt like everything was going to be okay , so there was no reason to get rid of the modular home . The modular home was built on a square deck of wood . At each corner of the square stood a wooden pillar , kind of like a tower . In the center of the wooden deck stood the house itself . The house was rather small , almost like a child 's playhouse . Its walls were square , but its roof may have been rounded , or teardrop - shaped . The whole thing was made out of rough - hewn wood . The design may have reminded me of a miniature version of the Taj Mahal . I may have thought that this little place was definitely not big enough for me an H ( or for me and Laurel Nakadate ? ) . I thought that I would definitely want to keep the modular house . But I would probably want to change the model for one that used the space of the plot a little bit better , i . e . one that incorporated more of the deck space into the interior of the house . I may have heard the woman 's narration again , or I may have heard some other woman 's voice in narration . It was like the woman was acting as a real estate agent , or a modular home sales agent . She was supporting all of my feelings regarding keeping the modular home and possibly trading into a new home . I stood out in some mountain landscape , in a valley full of golden grass . The golden grass was filled in places with pockets of white snow . I had apparently journeyed a long way to get here . I still had a great deal of journeying left to do . I may have remembered a conversation I 'd had with an old man before I 'd started this journey . The man may have been tall , slim , bald , dressed in an old - fashioned pinstripe suit of very dark material . I had been discussing a number of images with an old man . It was like I was in a dream , trying to rehearse all the elements of the dreams I 'd had over the course of the night . I reached the end of the sequence of images , and I was kind of surprised by them . There was some sort of unity to them I hadn 't expected . I think this unity had to do with celebrities . But the dream images all clouded over - - like they had been drawn over with heavy amounts of crayon ! It was like a succession of images piled over the images I 'd just organized in my head . A chain - link fence clouded over everything : the chain - link fence being shaded all through with opaque browns , greys and greens . Then a man 's head , also colored with heavy , dark colors , appeared before the chain - link fence . Then another chain - link fence . Then another man 's head .

It was a slightly cloudy day . I was crossing a quiet street at the edge of a suburban neighborhood . But it was like , at first , I had been washed out into this street , as if a flood or an ocean 's wave had carried me here . Even walking across to the sidewalk , I may have felt as if I 'd been carried by an undertow . On the other side of the sidewalk from the street was a small lawn . The lawn ended in a steep drop , an artificial cut through the hillside to let a large road pass through . Concrete walls ran up most of the slope . There must also have been a concrete paved walking path for pedestrians to get down the slope . I headed down . About halfway up the slope there was a concrete paved area with a long picnic table . I sat at the table , at the head end closest to where I stood . The table top was completely covered by a gigantic bag . The bag was white and may have been made out of canvas - - or a really thin material , like tissue paper ! The bag seemed to be completely stuffed with stuff . At the table sat two men . Both men belonged to a certain church . One man sat at the opposite head end of the table from me . He was a new pastor at the church . Another man sat on the long side of the table , just about in the center . He had been at the church for a long time . The pastor was planning on going out and trying to convert people in the neighborhood . He had given the other man some of his plans . But now the man asked a weird , long question regarding the pastor 's approach and the character of the people in this neighborhood , who were largely illiterate or only semi - literate . The pastor understood the question . He replied , " You want to know how I think people will react when I get to verbal with them . Will they think that if they come to our church , that they 'll be overwhelmed with an overly verbal presentation ? My answer is that I 've already told you and shown you the material we 'll be using to witness to people . It 's very visual . We are going to promote our church as being very visual , and not too literary . " In my mind 's eye I could see one piece of the material the pastor had been speaking about . It was a small pamphlet . It looked like a coloring book . Apparently the people being reached out to were supposed to color the pamphlet in with crayons . Suddenly the other man 's phone started ringing . The man 's ringtone was of some heavy metal song . It wasn 't a real thrashing song . It had a low guitar riff and a heavy , watery bass line . But I knew that the chorus of the song had some Satanic lyrics . When the man realized that I 'd recognized the song , he turned and winked at me . He thought that I 'd think he was cool for having that song as a ringtone . But I was more confused than anything else . How could the guy go out spreading the message of Christ to people while a Satanic ringtone was always playing on his phone ? The road was far below us , and it was as wide as a highway . I looked across to the slope across the highway . Parked out at the edge of the slope was a nice , big motorboat . It may even have been a small houseboat . I got the feeling that the boat was parked out there because the people who owned it thought a flood was coming . They wanted to be prepared to drift away on the flood . I was looking at some device , probably my phone , but possibly a bigger device . The screen showed a black and white photo from a long time ago . People were gathered together for a group photo . The men and women seemed to be wearing all different kinds of outfits , though the group photo was supposed to represent one specific official body , probably a military group . I knew that in the center of the picture was John Adams , the second President of the United States . I pointed him out directly . But he was bald , with a huge beard ( I assumed it was red , even though it obviously appeared to be dark grey ) , and he wore a uniform like that of a Civil War Union soldier . Something didn 't seem quite right about this . I tried to justify the inconsistency by thinking that John Adams lived a long time , maybe long enough to see the beginnings of the Civil War . But , even though he looked worn out , he still didn 't look old enough for him to be who he was at this time period . The screen now showed video of this same event , like the event had been caught on some primitive film camera , which had then been transferred to digital video . The event , I could now tell , was a memorial ceremony , including a huge picnic , for some important figure who had died . This important figure may have been John Adams himself . Everybody was walking around by picnic tables . They all had plates . They all seemed to be wandering to different tables that had food . In the distance were also barbecue grills , which sent up a lot of smoke . At one point I saw the John Adams character walking around and looking at the food . I may have wondered how John Adams could be at his own memorial ceremony . All the outer walls of the building seemed to be glass . The inner part of the building mainly seemed to be a network of balcony - and bridge - like structures . There was some inner or rear part of the building that these walkways led to . That was where business took place . But this open area of the building looked and felt completely empty and vacant . I was a young Indian man . I had dark , copper colored skin and kind of shaggy black hair that went over my forehead and down to just above shoulder level . I eventually understood that I was a spy . I had gotten a job with a wealthy family in India that was also connected with some sort of crime organization . I was supposed to get information on the crime organization . It wasn 't just like I had a job here . It was like I had been accepted as a part of the family . I walked along one of the walkways , heading toward a staircase . I was heading up that staircase to another walkway , where I would walk into one of the office areas . I was probably starting to think that I had gotten too deep into all this activity . It wasn 't just that I didn 't want to get caught as a spy . I also didn 't want to be seen as betraying the family who had come to trust and love me . I didn 't want to betray their love . Suddenly another young man came up a different escalator and met me on the walkway . He looked a lot like me . He was accompanied by a white woman . The young man was really cheerful with me . He told me he was heading out somewhere to have some fun . He wanted me to come along . I really didn 't want to come along . I knew the young man was family to the company by blood . He was a privileged child . He kind of thought this company ran itself . He didn 't like to do work . But I had actual work to do - - and I wanted to do it - - to help the company . Nevertheless , I felt like perhaps I should just go out with the young man . But , at the same time , I felt like the young man was starting to get a hunch that I was a spy . Maybe he was calling me out so he could trap and kill me . But the man was already gone . He had walked across the walkway and down to another escalator . He had just come to tell me where he was going . I could meet him there if I wanted to . But now I realized - - the young man had a white woman with him ! I was kind of shocked ! Way to go , I thought to myself , going out with a white woman ! I now wondered whether my eyes had deceived me . I looked over the balcony to see if I could see the young man and the woman again . The young man and woman had already gotten down a few levels on the escalator . But they were walking on a walkway now , and I could see them clearly . They both looked up at me . The young man already knew I was looking at the white girl . She was pale and blonde , but her hair was way too frizzy . It made her look like a Cabbage Patch doll . The young man hooted up at me , bragging about the girl . He even said something like , " Hey , man , I think she likes you ! " The man was kidding . But the woman was looking up at me like she liked me . I had a bad feeling that she 'd eventually find a way to get close to me . I wondered if I 'd end up betraying the young man by starting a relationship with this girl . But suddenly I realized - - the young man probably wanted me to start up a relationship with this girl . It was a cool , blue day . I was out on a busy street . The road was clogged with cars and people . The blocks seemed small , but the roads also seemed twisted together in a way that made it seem like a long distance across streets . There also seemed to be a lot of poles in the streets and wires overhead , like there was a whole tangle of trolley systems . The buildings mainly seemed to be like row houses and narrow buildings . There were residences and small businesses all up and down the street . I was standing - - with a whole bunch of other people ! - - at a bus stop . It seemed like the bus was going to take longer than I 'd originally expected . So I decided to go take care of my mail really quickly . All I had to do was drop the mail off in a mailbox . I may suddenly have received mail when I 'd dropped off the mail for posting . But I think I did something with the received mail as well . It looked like a kind of big stack at first . But , by the time I got back to the bus stop it was just a couple documents and a small newspaper . I rolled all this stuff up . The bus still wasn 't coming . So I walked up to the corner of the block . The block was really just incredibly busy - - stuffed with people ! But I now saw my old friend R and his wife L coming up out of a subway station that was in a slender median in the street across from me . R looked healthy , but a little rangy , like business life had made him kind of sinewy . He wore a heavy , dull blue shirt and green cargo pants , like he was going out to do some kind of field work . R may have seen me and then quickly pretended not to have seen me . He may even have told L not to look in my direction or acknowledge that I was around . They were across the street , separated from me by huge crowds of people , so I guess R assumed I couldn 't understand anything he 'd said . L split off from R and walked down toward the opposite corner of the block . R crossed the street but walked down the side street instead of coming down the street I was on . I suddenly remembered that R lived on this block . His apartment was only a couple doors down from the bus stop ! I assumed that R and L were coming home for the day . I figured I 'd wait in front of their door until one of them arrived , or until my bus finally arrived . I knew they 'd wonder why I was here . I 'd just tell them that my bus stopped here , and that I remembered they lived here , so I thought I 'd drop by and say hi . R finally walked around the corner and toward the apartment . He didn 't seem happy to see me at all . He plainly acted like he was " acting " happy while he was really " silently " annoyed . It was obvious he wasn 't going to let me into his house and that he didn 't even want me in front of his building . He asked me what I was doing here . I gave him a little explanation . I was inside some place like a restaurant . I was a worker here . The restaurant was owned by a family that probably had connections to crime . I was one of the few non - family employees . There had been one other non - family employee at the front of my mind . But he had just left , as recently as a couple hours ago . I walked out a side door , to some kind of outdoor eating area - - although the area looked a lot more like a big park with a few picnic tables in it . There was a wooden picket fence running around the area . Before me , the fence bounded a steep cliff that probably went down to an ocean shore . Off to my right , the area went up a rolling slope . The fenced area narrowed into a sharp angle as it ascended the slope . Past the fence were pine trees . All the way up the slope were also fake train cars , like plastic replicas of train cars , except designed so they could be something like beds for little kids . These may have been eating areas or storage areas or just play areas for kids who came to the restaurant . I walked up the slope , looking through the cars and thinking of the non - family employee who 'd just left . I wondered whether the employee had been hurt or killed by the family . I could see the man in my mind 's eye . He was tall , white , skinny , with bugged - out eyes . He was really touchy , and he had really violent emotions . He always felt like he was getting ripped off . ( He kind of reminds me of a Steve Buscemi character . ) I think the man had found out that the family had been doing something to collect extra money in shady activities based on side aspects of their legitimate business . This was probably a small crime thing and not the larger crime the family was involved with . But it had used the man 's efforts . The man found out how much money his efforts had drawn in through these shady activities . He wanted a cut of it . But he knew he 'd never get it . So he stole his cut , threw a big fit in front of all the workers , and ran off . I was at the top of the hill now , looking back down . I didn 't know whether the family would follow the man , or whether they had already hurt or killed him . I realized now that I was a spy on the family . I wondered , walking back down the hill , whether the man hadn 't also been a spy . I had a feeling , however , that what the man had done would make my job a lot harder . The family would be on the lookout for any suspicious activity at all . As I approached the bottom of the slope , four men came walking out the side door of the restaurant . They were maintenance workers . The leader really disliked me . As soon as he saw me he started to sigh and groan , like he loathed even having to share the same air with me . He was a little shorter than medium height , with pale olive skin and a bald head . He was heavyset , but in a kind of muscular way . He wore a white t - shirt , khaki shorts , and a baseball cap . I sat down at some small table , like a children 's table with small chairs . I pulled out a cell phone and a couple other devices . I had one of the devices plugged in somewhere . The guys all sat at a table behind me . The man was sighing and groaning even still that he had to be around me . He must have really hated me . I stood up to go get something . When I came back , my chair was gone . I saw that the leader had taken it for one of his guys to use . I acted like nothing was wrong . I just took some other chair and began concerning myself with my work again . But the guy still kept sighing and groaning like he was angry at me . So I turned around and looked him in the eye , as if to say that if he had any problems with me , I 'd be more than happy to take care of them directly . The man suddenly became genuinely relaxed and kind . He said a couple things to me about work . I replied kindly and turned back to my work , wondering whether I hadn 't been imagining the man 's hostility this whole time . Now a woman came outside . It seemed obvious to everybody , right away , that this woman was a spy . She was a pale , thin woman . She was probably young , maybe in her mid twenties . But her style made her look old and frumpy . Her hair was red and frizzy , like it would have been shoulder length if it had been straight , but instead it just shot in all directions around her head like a disheveled halo . The woman took a seat - - in a folded up folding bed ! Her head and arms popped up out of the top of the bed . I was suddenly also sitting on the edge of a bed , working at a desk , with my back to the woman . The woman had announced herself as an investigator . But it was hard for me to keep this in mind . What kept running through my head was that she was a spy , and that nobody was supposed to know it . But she was so obviously a spy that everybody knew it . I was hoping that her being a spy wouldn 't blow my cover as being a spy . Then , suddenly , going through this chain of thought , I 'd realize that she 'd actually announced herself as an investigator . The woman was looking for information related to a crime . But she wasn 't necessarily looking to get this particular family in trouble , even though I think she knew the criminal activities this family was engaged in . But she was going to monitor our activities to see what ways we might inadvertently give her information as to the larger crime families she was trying to pin down . She was also going to ask us questions . We were supposed to volunteer any information we could . But - - knowing these guys - - I was sure " nobody would know nothin ' . " But the woman started asking her questions . Suddenly I was laying on the bed I 'd been sitting on . I could start to see everything in my mind about the crime family . The family 's last name was Louis , which kind of surprised me . I could also see the head of the family . He was a kind , gentle - looking old man . He was wearing a nice suit . I even felt like I may have had a nice conversation with him at some point in time . I may also have seen an image in my mind 's eye of a wall full of lockers . I thought I 'd tell this woman all this information right out , right in front of the maintenance guys . They were all playing along some code of honor , where nobody said anything . They were family . But I wasn 't . And they thought that if I couldn 't be loyal to them , I could at least be made afraid of them . But I wasn 't going to be made afraid . I 'd tell the woman everything , right in front of the men . And they could do whatever they wanted to me . But I remembered I was a spy . If I told all my information right in front of these men , I 'd be giving myself away as a spy . And I couldn 't have my cover blown . I tried to figure if there was some way I could figure out whether the woman already knew I was a spy , or if there was some way I could let the woman know I was a spy . But I couldn 't figure anything out . Suddenly , I had an image in my head of a name : Nemirovna . I was riding in a big , white , 1970s style car with some other person . I 'm not sure , but I think the driver was a man . I was mainly in the backseat , on the passenger side , though I think I was also sometimes in the front seat on the passenger side . We were driving through some area that was like the outskirts of a town , with hills and forested areas . But there was also a huge parking lot for some shopping center . It was probably late afternoon , and the day may have felt a little cold . Somehow the person who was driving had figured out that another car in front of us was actually stalking us . The driver of the car may have been a woman in her fifties or sixties , still in pretty good shape , but a little worn - out looking , with shaggy , pale blonde hair that was black at the roots . The woman was driving a more modern car than our car . It may have been more of a 1990s style , with a roundish , but long , body . But I think it was also white . We were nearing the parking lot to the shopping center ( or a Walmart ? ) . The driver told me we were going to make it look like we were heading into the shopping center . As soon as the woman had gotten fully pulled into the shopping center , we were just going to drive away . This way , even if we didn 't lose the woman , we could still know for sure that she was stalking us when she started following us from behind . So we lost the woman in the parking lot . The parking lot was on a slope . We drove up the slope , then turned right . On our left side was forested area . On our right was the slope leading down to the shopping center . We drove a ways farther , then turned right again . We headed back down the slope , still driving alongside the shopping center . At the bottom of the slope we continued forward . I think we had been planning to go somewhere in particular . But we 'd had to throw the stalker off our trail first . Even though we seemed to have done that , the driver still thought it was a good idea for us to drive around in a diverted path before we 'd headed to the place we had to head to , just to make sure nobody else was following us and would be led to wherever we were trying to go . So we drove straight forward , into a neighborhood that the driver said was really bad . A couple blocks into the neighborhood we turned left . We drove through a neighborhood of two - or three - story apartment complexes . The sun had gone down over the horizon , and everything in the neighborhood looked grey - blue . But some of the apartments actually were a worn - out , faded shaded of turquoise , which looked even worse in the evening dimness . The trees were possibly barren , like it was late autumn . The driver told me there were snipers in the neighborhood . I don 't remember how the driver knew this . The driver may have seen a sniper in one of the buildings , or we may actually have gotten shot at . I think I could see a sniper in my mind 's eye . The driver may have told me to keep cover as well as I could . I crouched down low onto the floor of the backseat , though still keeping my head peeped just a little above the backseat . I was really scared . I was part of a play . The play may have been just a two - person play . At first , I may have thought that I was part of a rehearsal . For some reason , as part of this rehearsal , I had to be under a dark green sheet . The stage was small , and not elevated too high from the ground . I lay crouched on all fours under this sheet . The other actor sat beside me , addressing the crowd . The other actor had some long monologue . I knew that I also had lines . But I 'm not sure when I was supposed to say them . But as the other actor continued his monologue , he somehow gave me signs that I was supposed to emerge slowly from under the sheet . At this point I saw that the actor beside me was David Bowie . He looked kind of young . He was pale , and he had red - dyed hair . I think that as I slowly emerged from the sheet I 'd come to understand that I hadn 't really been under the sheet as part of the play . David Bowie / the actor had actually kept me under the sheet as some kind of protection for me . It was like he didn 't think I could stand to see the audience or something . I looked out at the audience . This wasn 't a rehearsal . It was an actual performance , and there was a full audience . The audience sat about five meters away from the stage . The stage was just a small , black square set against a black wall , on a platform maybe 25cm tall . Between the stage and the audience was just bare , black floor . The audience sat in folding chairs in somewhat steeply tiered rows of bleachers . The spotlights on the stage reflected out on the audience , so I could dimly see the people out there . I stopped uncovering myself when I had the sheet just below my shoulders . I was in some awkward half - laying , half - crouching position , leaned sideways , with my head pointed toward David Bowie . There may have been more dark green sheets nearby . Bowie continued with his monologue . I knew I had lines . But I didn 't know when Bowie would actually cue me to say them . In fact , I was getting the feeling he was expressly not having me say my lines . My old friend R was in the audience . ( When I thought of R I saw a balding , heavyset man in the audience . ) If I spoke , R would know I was the character beside Bowie . He would then be jealous of me and try to ruin the show to spite me . So Bowie kept me quiet . In fear of being discovered , I had actually started chewing on the green sheet . But I still wanted to say my lines . But now the play was over . Bowie asked everybody in the audience to give a critique of the play . One man , an older , balding white man , kind of wealthy looking , with a thin , slightly leathery and wrinkly face , and wearing a blazer , cardigan , and tie , was the only person to speak . As he spoke , I got a closer and closer view of his face . It was like his chair was right in front of the stage . But then it was like I saw his face in full closeup . At that point , all the wrinkles of his face were highlighted by something like black pencil or marker . The man said something like , " You know , after all , this is ' Pandora 's Box . ' And there 's a theme to this story . You should at least keep to the theme . There are things that happen in the story , and there are characters involved in the story . But you didn 't have any of that . " And . . . I know , maybe it 's just the Hollywood style , but . . . you made the whole thing about sex . If you just took out the focus on sex and you just made the story fit with what the real story of Pandora 's Box is all about , it might make a lot more sense to people . " I felt vindicated that the man had criticized the play . I was still bitter about not having been able to speak my lines . Any criticism of Bowie seemed like a blow in favor of the idea that I should have been allowed to speak my lines . But the man hadn 't really mentioned me , or the fact that I should have been allowed to speak . I had to admit that . I also had an idea that the man would have criticized us no matter what . He just seemed to enjoy tearing people down . We were now standing backstage . I stood off by myself , staring down at a dancer 's balance pole , one of the horizontal bars fastened to a wall , usually accompanied by a wall - length mirror , so a dancer can watch their movements and balance herself as she practices . But as I looked at the pole , it became a long , green object , like a huge leaf , elongated to the size of a balance bar . The leaf was curled up in half . Along the bottom , inner side of the leaf things were written in pen . The one thing I remember was the year " 1825 . " I now turned to look at the rest of the room . It was a kind of big room . Off to my left , along the same wall with the balance bar , was a door leading outside . A lot of performers were walking out that door - - as if our play had actually used a whole lot of performers , some of them young females in black leotards and tight hairdos , like dancers . Across the way from that door was a dim doorway into some other room , like a seldom used prop - room . David Bowie walked out of that room . He now stood before the man who 'd criticized our performance . But now Bowie was short , maybe coming up only to the man 's shoulders . He was kind of muscly and stocky , too . And his skin was all painted a greasy dark blue ! His hair , a wiry , dusty - tan color , was done in a spiky flat - top on top . But the back of his hair was done in a thin braid that reached all the way down his back . Bowie wore no shirt , only a pair of shorts . Bowie walked up to the man . He explained something to the man about the year 1825 . In that year , Bowie explained , a very influential artist ( someone specific , maybe a pre - Raphaelite , but I can 't remember who ) had decided that all artists should strip themselves of past influences . In doing so , artists would find ways to express themselves truly and purely , without bogging themselves down with cultural references . Bowie explained how he came directly from that school . He said the title of his show , " Pandora 's Box , " was simply meant as an inspiration to the drama of his show . The drama wasn 't supposed to coincide with Pandora 's Box at all . And the show was supposed to be sexual , because Bowie felt that sexuality was true expression . I was walking down a hallway in a movie theater . The hallway had orange or yellow walls and orange carpet . I headed down into a smaller hallway , just outside the theater where the movie I had come to see was playing . A man and woman stood outside the theater . The man asked the woman about whether she 'd seen certain movie . The woman said no . The man kind of bragged about how good the movie was ( to make the woman feel bad she hadn 't seen it ) . The man then said , " But what 's crazy about it , is that the movie was so good , and already they 're on the third movie of the series . In fact , that 's what 's playing in this theater . La Derniere 3 . " I don 't think I 'd known - - or questioned ! - - what movie I was heading to . But now that I heard that this theater was playing a film called La Derniere 3 , I wondered whether I 'd wanted to come to see it . It sounded like an action film . In fact , just over the door was a strip with the movie 's title and an image from the movie poster . The image showed a contemporary woman riding on the back of a man who was shooting a big handgun as he swung on a rope away from a big explosion . I decided to head into the movie anyway . I don 't think I knew where else I could have gone . My view then shifted to a different movie . A young , blonde man with tan skin and shaggy hair walked into his family 's house . His mother was in the house . The man and his mother were in a kitchen or a sun room . Either way , the room was very airy and filled with natural light , like there were windows all over the place , and there seemed to be plants everywhere . The young man somehow let his mother know that he had been attacked and drugged by a group of people . He seemed to be afraid of the consequences of having been drugged . Either he was afraid he 'd been drugged with something really addictive , so he 'd have to go through a painful withdrawal , or else he was going to take some kind of drug test , and he was worried that the results of the test would be bad . The young man was ashamed to talk to his mom about all this , but he knew he had to . The mom said the best way to tell if the young man would be alright would be to look at the young man 's eyes . The young man 's eyes were all scratchy and yellow . At first this didn 't seem like a good sign . The man was really worried . I was worried , too . But on second glance , I think the mother decided that everything would likely be okay . But the book was also about the creation of a Michael Jackson Museum somewhere . Some of the photos showed columns and long , narrow corridors , all kind of futuristic looking , but also with a plainness that made the spaces feel very much like contemporary rooms in a museum . There seemed to be silver tinsel everywhere . But I 'd also have flashes of views where I 'd suddenly be inside the Michael Jackson Museum . My vision would be really blurry . There were a lot of green spotlights lighting everything up . There were a lot of people around . Sometimes I 'd be led down certain areas of the museum . I think Michael Jackson himself was leading me . Then my view would suddenly switch back to just looking at the book . There was some weird battle going on between two sets of women . All the women were really gorgeous , kind of pale , thin , goth - looking girls . But one half of the girls were normal humans , while the other half had been transformed into vampire - or zombie - like monsters . The regular women were making their final battle against the monster women in a long , narrow room , like a kitchen . The battle may now have been over . The monster women were sitting all in a line on a fake - leather bench that ran across the left ( my left ) long wall . The normal women were all working on the monster women . The monster women all seemed to be injured pretty badly , mainly in the chest . The normal women were all set to work on pulling something out of the monster women 's chests . In two cases ( I think ) I saw the object being pulled out . One of the women had a screw or bolt in her chest , while the other woman had a nail in her chest . But these objects were both cursed objects that had made the women into monsters . The second normal woman took the nail she had just pulled from the woman 's chest and walked over to the sink , which was in the counter that ran all the way along the right wall . She did something with the nail . The monster woman was now a normal woman , and her chest , which had been all caved in and bloody before , was now completely healed , except for a hole in the center of her chest , just above her breasts . The normal woman may have handed the nail back to the woman . Either way , the woman had a nail in her hand again . The nail was " clean , " not cursed . But the woman shoved it right into the hole in her chest . I was kind of shocked that the woman would purposely drive a nail into her chest . I asked her , " Do you like that sort of thing ? " The woman replied , " Yes . Does that scare you ? And does it scare you that she " ( the normal woman who 'd healed her ) " is my lesbian lover , and that she likes driving nails into my chest , too ? " I didn 't mind . But I felt ashamed for hanging around here . I now realized that all the monster women were all lesbian lovers with the normal women who 'd healed them . I didn 't want to look like I 'd been here because I 'd been attracted to all these girls - - even though I had been attracted to them all . As I was backing up , I saw the first monster girl . She was also healed , even though her chest may still have looked bloody and collapsed . She had a " clean " bolt , which she was now getting ready to shove into her chest . I walked around a kind of hairpin curve and found myself in a space like a dining room . It was a lot lighter than the other room had been . There was a booth - like table in the right corner of the wall facing me . The bench of the booth was made of white or cream - colored fake leather and went around the table in an almost full square shape . There was also a bright window along the back wall . The right wall was more like a half wall . It showed into the next room , where a woman sat all by herself . The woman was Asian , and she may have looked like my ex - girlfriend H . I tried not to look at the woman . I assumed that she , like all the other women in this house , was a lesbian . I 'd already been ridiculed a bit for having been attracted to girls who were gay . I didn 't want to get ridiculed again . There was a bunch of stuff on the dining table , which may have been below the height of my knee , something like a coffee table 's height . I picked up some of the stuff and carried it to the wall behind me . The stuff may have been empty and dirty dishes . I may have been carrying them to a sink to clean them . It was night . I was sitting at an outdoor table in front of a Jack in the Box restaurant with my mom 's best friend . We were eating some kind of sandwiches that had ham and eggs . We may have been talking about old times for a moment or two . But then I got distracted by a message on my cell phone . There was a whole string of messages that came from Riley Kilo , an adult baby transgendered person who has been an advocate for adult babies in a number of different media arenas . Apparently Riley Kilo and I were kind of like friends . But there was something not quite right about our relationship , like I was always doing something to upset or frustrate Riley and make her feel like she was never getting through to me . But now Riley was coming to Denver . She 'd made this announcement on her blog and in a number of different places , hoping I 'd catch on . She 'd even sent me this whole string of emails directly . But I hadn 't seen or responded to any of them . Finally , she 'd sent me an email saying that she was coming to Denver and that she was going to come to my apartment , whether I liked it or not , on the assumption that she was staying there . Once she got there , if I still didn 't want her around , I could just kick her out . I may have thought that I 'd respond to this message by saying , " Okay . " But I don 't think I responded . I think I just sat there for a moment , trying to figure out what the heck I should do . I suddenly realized that I 'd been sitting in absolute silence with my mom 's best friend for a good amount of time now . I thought I 'd been making progress during our conversation , up until I 'd looked at my phone , with letting my mom 's friend understand how much I liked her and appreciated her . But now that it had been silent for so long , I think my mom 's friend was wondering whether I actually liked her . So now I asked my mom 's friend , " Do you remember before Jack in the Box made its big change , and when I was a little kid , how you and my mom and I would come here all the time ? We 'd have breakfast sandwiches . " My mom 's friend remembered this . But something about her memory seemed to come from a different time period than I was talking about . I got distracted again , trying to figure out how to describe the time period exactly right , so my mom 's friend would know exactly what I was talking about . I was " at my old job . " I was in a break room . I had been really angry and made some kind of a scene and quit my job just a while ago . My boss walked in . He was pretty sure I hated him now . But I felt bad for having made such a scene . Even though I didn 't say anything to my boss , I tried to show , by using non - violent body language , that I was sorry for what I 'd done . I was looking through a binder filled with clear plastic sleeves . The sleeves had small artworks inserted into them . The works varied in size , so that multiple works were fitted into each sleeve , each into its own pocket . The works were like prints , very blocky , almost like the fronts of old product boxes . My boss left out a door on the wall behind me . He may have mentioned that he had to go to a meeting . I continued flipping through the pages . A while later , my boss came back . He may have been carrying a bag of fast food with him . He came up on my left side and handed me a stack of papers . There were two papers with handwritten messages on the bottom . He asked me if I could hand these papers directly to our office manager . Just at that time , our office manager entered . She had been really upset by how I had acted . So I tried to show her how well I had patched everything up between myself and my boss by handing the papers directly to my boss that my boss had asked me to hand directly to the office manager ( ? ? ? ) . The three of us all seemed to feel comfortable with each other again . I was sitting toward a corner on one of the long ends of the table now . I was still flipping through the binder of artworks . My boss may have been speaking with me , asking me about a specific project I 'd need to take care of . A view of an office . I 'm not sure whether I was actually there . The view was probably of a lobby - like area , near the receptionist 's desk . There were a few filing cabinets in the area as well . A tall , young man was speaking with another worker . I started thinking about my whole choice of career paths . I thought about the very beginning of my career , when I 'd been given the choice to work with a woman in one department of the company I 'd been working for , or with a man in another department . I 'd chosen to work with the man . But I started to wonder what would have happened had I worked with the woman , in the other department . There was now a view of a backyard of a big house . It seemed to be autumn . Two girls were swinging on an improbably high swing . My view was floating up and down with the swaying of the swings . A man , whose voice I recognized as that of JM , one of my old co - workers , was either on the phone or had just gotten off the phone with one of his neighbors . JM then told his wife E that the neighbors would like the family to come over , so JM 's daughters could play with the neighbors ' daughters . I was at some big place , probably something like a fair that was composed of indoor attractions and outdoor attractions . I had been inside one of the indoor attractions , a futuristic - looking , white tent at the end of a long plaza . But I had gone out to take care of something for one of my friends . I had probably left the tent and gone and taken care of everything by flying . I was now flying back to the tent . I may not have been sure my friend was still there . I may actually have been worried that my friend was lost and that I 'd need to go find him . I may have tried to continued to fly , but I may have gotten " gravitated " toward a different group of people . I was - - somehow - - all tangled up with a member of this group : a kind of fat , pale man with long , frizzy hair and a goatee . He wore a t - shirt and shorts . I don 't know what the heck kind of body I had , but the man had to untangle me from himself , like he would have had to untangle a purse from off his shoulders . But the man did this naturally as he spoke with his friends . He was with three or four other people , a mix of men and women . The whole group of people seemed cool . But they were talking about some conspiracy theory having to do with the bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki ( although - - I 'm not sure that Hiroshima was actually called " Hiroshima " in the dream ) . The idea was that there was one person in each instance who was ultimately responsible for the dropping of the bombs . It was like these two people were the ones most affected by the feeling of moral responsibility . But the argument was that these two people had been silenced by the government because of their feelings of moral responsbility . As the people discussed this , we all ( I as some kind of flying entity that was still floating but was slowly descending toward the ground ) turned up the walkway toward the futuristic tent . I eventually - - I think - - landed in a stroller . I was either an adult , sitting in a stroller like I was a baby ; or else I had actually become a small child or baby sitting in the stroller . The discussion of the conspiracy continued . But it didn 't seem to me like there was much government involvement in this conspiracy . One of the guys , maybe the guy who 'd dropped the bomb on Nagasaki , had simply committed suicide . But the other guy 's story was a little weird . I listened to it as I descended ( awkwardly , as I remember it ) into the stroller , and as we passed a concrete structure that looked like an entrance to a subway station . The man with the frizzy hair and goatee said , " The man asked the government to re - program him . If you were experiencing too much feeling of moral responsibility for what you 'd done , the government could re - program you . They did it to some people involuntarily . But you could also request to be re - programmed . And this guy requested it , otherwise he was going to commit suicide . " But just before he got re - programmed , he was arrested on some drug - related charge . Man . . . I can 't imagine . I don 't ever want to be in trouble because of any of that substance - related crap . " I was sitting at a dining table in some kind of communal area , like a really big version of a house 's dining room . The atmosphere was really relaxed , even though there were quite a few people scattered among the various dining tables . People may have been watching a television that was somewhere . My little niece walked up to me . She was wearing a little , white dress with baby blue fringes and probably a belt - like , baby blue ribbon at the waist . She also wore white spandex leggings and white tennis shoes . She asked if she could sit on my lap . I said sure . She hopped up rather quickly and easily . I commented that she must have grown , because before it would have taken her some effort to get up onto my lap . My niece sat with her legs straight out . She began squirming around a bit , humming a little tune , I guess like she thought she was dancing while she was sitting . So I grabbed her legs , probably at her shins or ankles . I began humming a classical music tune while moving her legs to the melody . It was a little difficult . I don 't think my niece quite knew what I was doing or how to cooperate with the movements of my arms . My niece asked what I was doing . I said , " It 's a way to tell if your feet are awake . It 's like saying , ' Hey , feet ! Wake up ! ' And your feet will tell you if you 're awake . " I suddenly had a view , either directly or in my mind 's eye , of one of my feet . I said , " You can ask your foot , ' Are you awake ? ' And if your foot 's awake , he 'll move up and down , like this . " I moved my foot laterally . " And if your foot 's not awake , he 'll move side to side , like this . " I twisted my foot from side to side . I was laying on the floor in the lobby of a doctor 's office . Some people were with me , behind me , sitting on chairs . The doctor had just entered the room and was standing just inside the doorway , in front of me , but at a distance of maybe three meters . He was a white man with a slightly balding head of grey hair . He wore squarish eyeglasses and he had blue eyes . He wore something like a cardigan sweater , a button - up shirt , and slacks . The doctor began explaining something about either his diagnostic techniques or medicine that he prescribed for people . He may have been talking about both things . He explained that his techniques were used to cure people of one of the most frequent causes of death in the United States . The doctor said , " The second most frequent cause of death in the United States , excepting suicide . . . " and he looked at me significantly . I looked away from the doctor . He made me feel really uncomfortable . The doctor then went on to talk about the second most frequent cause of death . I don 't think he ever mentioned the most frequent cause of death . But I think he did mention that in the United States , suicides were becoming so frequent that they were almost the third leading cause of death ( ? ? ? ) . I was watching a young man perform some kind of athletic process . It was for some competition that he 'd later be a part of . The young man was a clean - cut kid , like a stereotypical Olympic gymnast . He may have been white , but he may also have been Hispanic . There was basically an orange wall . The left side of the wall had a yellow bar attached to it . To the right of the bar , at the same height as the bar , was a hoop , like a basketball hoop . Then to the right of that was a cube that jutted out from the wall , like it was a part of the wall . The top of the cube was the same height at the bar and the hoop . There were also a red light and a blue light , right next to each other , somewhere - - either over the bar or between the bar and the hoop . The young man would descend through the bar , between the bar and the wall , then bounce right back upward through the bar . He would then descend through the hoop . At this point , during his practices , he would do some weird kind of move , where he 'd bounce really high . ( I 'm not really sure how - - or where - - any of these " bounces " actually took place . ) The young man would then have to aim himself really carefully so that he could latch onto the hoop . But he 'd often miss the hoop altogether . If he caught onto the hoop , I think he 'd swing himself onto the top of the cube platform . The man may have practiced this a few times . I watched him . I provided encouragement . I may also have given a few small pieces of advice . The man , I think , ended the practice session with a better idea of what he wanted to do . It was now the actual competition . All the time I was watching , I heard an announcer 's voice . But I can 't remember much of what he said . The young man descended through the bar , then bounced up through the bar . He descended through the hoop . But this time , instead of bouncing way high into the air , he just bounced up to the level of the hoop . He latched directly onto the hoop . This was a huge surprise for the announcer , who shouted out , " He 's finally got it ! What a move ! " I could probably also hear a crowd cheering for the young man . The man began swinging back and forth . I think he had to wait until the lights flashed either red or blue . Then he could swing himself off the hoop and onto the cube platform . The announcer cried , " If he can swing up onto the platform in time , he 'll break the world record ! " The light finally flashed the correct color . The young man swung himself off the hoop . I wasn 't sure he 'd make it . But he flipped up and landed on the platform . The announcer cried , " One minute and three seconds ! A new world record ! " I stood up and ran to the young man . The young man was now a copper skinned man , kind of skinny and scraggly looking , with long , shaggy hair that curled down over his forehead and eyes . He wore an orange tank top and shorts . And his eyes looked a little crazy . The young man was really grateful to me because I 'd supported him so much through his training . He hugged me passionately . I think he was sexually attracted to me , and that he was trying to break me out of my shell and make me sexually attracted to him , too . The man crossed over some rope that separated the competition from the spectators . We stood by some big , comfortable chair . The man hugged me again , very passionately . I dropped something I 'd been holding in my left hand , maybe a water bottle , into the chair . I suddenly realized that I was sexually attracted to the young man as well . I really wanted to be somewhere alone with him as soon as possible . But I think at this point the young man walked away to go take care of some other stuff . I was in an office , or actually a place more like a bank . The place looked very nice , with wood walls and wood desks . The desks were all spaced well apart , just like in the customer service area of a bank . Two people sat down before a desk . A woman sat down behind the desk . I either floated above this scene or stood behind the couple ( although if I was standing , I must have been kind of tall ) . The couple seemed to be kind of surprised to see the woman behind the desk . They were used to dealing with somebody else . But the woman behind the desk , a kind of young looking , Asian woman with a cute , round face and wearing a very prim black - grey skirt - suit and white button - up shirt , told the couple that the woman who usually helped them would not be able to help them today . The way the woman said this implied that the original woman would never be able to help them again , like she 'd either quit or been fired from the position . The couple was surprised . I think they wanted to know why they hadn 't been informed of this . But they were too shy to ask the question right out . So they asked how long it had been since the woman had been unable to help her customers . The new woman replied something like , " Well , she just started getting her stuff ready a few moments ago . " This meant , I thought , that the woman had probably quit the job . She 'd probably announced that she was quitting only fifteen minutes or so ago . And now the woman was packing up and leaving . The new woman was taking over the original woman 's responsibilities immediately . But she wasn 't upset by this . She even seemed to be gloating over the fact that the woman had left . I walked into a bookstore . I got into the bookstore by heading down into a basement . The bookstore was just a huge , empty room with wood walls and green carpet . At the far end of the room was a checkout counter , which was also made of wood . There may have been a couple of tall machines behind the counter . There were two guys behind the counter . I had apparently spoken with the guys before . Now I was coming back . Both the guys seemed pretty cool . They were both probably in their late forties or early fifties . One of the guys stood up and spoke with me . He was tall , with short , grey and black hair . We chatted for a moment . The other guy , who was sitting obscured behind one of the tall machines , poked his head out . He told me that he and his friend were just getting ready to have a beer . This implied that he 'd like me to join them for a beer . I thought about it for a moment and said that I really couldn 't . I could hang around for a bit , but I couldn 't drink any beer just then . I felt bad because I knew these guys were starting to think of me as their friend . If I didn 't drink a beer with them , they 'd think I was just thinking of them as bookstore owners , not as friends . Whatever I 'd said must have been kind of ambiguous , because now the long - haired guy was having me head downstairs with him while he got the beers . The downstairs area was about as big as the upstairs area , but the ceilings were a little lower . There were two wet bars , I believe : one on the right wall and one on the left . The guy went behind the bar on the left wall . But I was looking at the bar on the right wall . The scene stayed the same , but it was now a meeting hall instead of a bookstore . There were a bunch of seats to my left ( as I faced the right wall ) , all facing the back wall . There was a little stage jutting out of the back wall . A woman stood on the stage , haranguing a half - full crowd . The crowd may mostly have been young adults or older children . The woman may have been doing something like trying to incite a revolution . I was drawn into the situation somehow by someone who had been standing off to the side . I can 't remember how I got drawn in . It may have been that somebody 'd called attention to something I 'd done , maybe something stupid . I was just walking back to a hamburger stand I worked at , after I 'd gone to get some kind of help for the place . It was early evening . The sun had set , and the sky was a cool silver blue . The hamburger stand was stout and white . There were a few sections on the left side ( as I faced it ) that were open to the outside , just like open - air counters people could sit at . Around those counters there were also a few outdoor tables , probably circular and made of concrete edged with pebbles . I sat down at the counter . Some guys coming from off to my left were bringing trays full of Mexican food . It actually looked like food from Taco Bell . There seemed to be plates and plates of Nacho Supremes . This was what I 'd done for the hamburger stand . The place had been running out of one specific kind of food . I 'd needed to ask another fast food place to give us a comparable kind of food , so we could keep selling . So I 'd gotten the taco stand to give us all this food . As one of the guys was loading food onto the counter , I tried , in a really horrible way , to say , " Thank you . You really helped us , " in Spanish . I apologized in English for my terrible Spanish before I spoke the Spanish . And my Spanish was really horrible . I can 't remember it now , except that I think I said something like " me lo ayuda " for " you helped us . " The guy I spoke to in Spanish was now like my manager at the hamburger stand . He walked behind me then sat down at the counter , to my right . I was saying that if this place sold out of food , it must be really popular . The man said that it actually wasn 't popular , due to one of the items on the menu . I asked what the item was . The man seemed really hesitant to tell me . But he eventually said that people didn 't like the fries . I thought about it as I looked into the store and saw people sitting at the inside tables . I thought I saw the man 's point . Maybe , I suggested , the people thought the fries were bland ? The man nodded . I was in a bedroom . It may have been night . There was an incandescent light on in the room . I was probably cleaning the bedroom . I was probably in the room with one of my siblings , who may have been a child . There were two bunk beds against the back wall of the bedroom . My sibling sat on the lower bunk of the right bunk bed . I sat on the floor in between the two beds . I probably had a stack of used baby diapers - - used by me , likely , even though I was my current age - - before me on the floor . There were also sheets of newspaper scattered all over the floor , as well as stuffed animals everywhere . There may also have been some kind of grainy substance , like salt or sand , strewn in places on the floor . Yet I had been cleaning the room , and I 'd thought I 'd gotten to a point where the room was nearly clean . My mom walked into the room . The first thing I worried about was the diapers . I didn 't know how to explain them . Nobody else used this room . So obviously the baby diapers were mine . But my mom didn 't seem to be aware of the diapers . At first , I think , she just thought that the place looked really messy . I think she was asking me questions about that . I think I answered that I was going through the cleaning in layers . I 'd cleaned a number of layers , but I left the layers of stuff that I 'd thought I still needed . That was , for instance , why I 'd left the sheets of newspaper on the floor . I 'd also left all the stuffed animals . I wasn 't going to throw the stuffed animals out . They belonged to my sibling ( my sister ? ) , and I respected the fact that my sibling liked stuffed animals . Suddenly my mom got very angry and started asking me about the diapers . I didn 't know how to explain them at all . I think I only mentioned that I was planning on throwing them away as soon as possible . I was now out walking alone on a road that ran through a flat , grassy plain . It was probably early evening . The sky was really beautiful , with shades of blue and pink . The colors in the sky may have shifted from time to time , so that there were always new , brilliant combinations of evening colors . I was apparently engaged on the task of taking something back to some place . But someone behind me caught my attention . I turned around . The person was probably a woman , maybe in her forties or fifties . She was blonde , dressed in a tan suit with a skirt that went down to about her kneest . She had her hair up in a short , tight , style . Her hair was blonde and grey . She looked very beautiful and stately , but a little worn out . She held five knives , with their points down , close to her chest . The knives had silver handles . They may just have been butter knives . The woman asked me what I was doing . I may have replied that I 'd been sent out to return the stuffed animals that had been in the bedroom I was cleaning . " But , " I told the woman , " I 'm really not going to return the stuffed animals . It would be cruel to my sibling . I only needed to make it seem to my mom like I was going to do that . " The woman may have discussed something else with me , probably something that made me wonder how I was going to get home from where I was right now . I may have told the woman that it was finally getting dark , and that I 'd need to make my way back home before it got too dark for me to see my way . I knew it was going to be dark soon , because the sky had taken on an intensely vivid , though deep and dim , yellow - green glow at the horizon . So I started walking back home . I reached something like an intersection . The road crossing the road I was on was small , like the road I was on . But it was busy , and big trucks occasionally ran down it . Right across the road was a river . The road I was on crossed the river , but not quite in a direct line with the stretch of road I was on . The crossing was a little off to one side . Just then it became pitch black . I couldn 't see anything at all . The headlights from the cars on the road may have given me a little light . But I think that usually the cars were even driving without headlights . The only lights I constantly saw were the lights of the town I was trying to get back to . But they didn 't provide enough light for me to see where I was going . I 'd managed to cross the busy road . I was now at the river . I was trying to find the crossing . But I couldn 't find it in the dark . I would edge my way from side to side along the bank of the river ( which was just off the edge of the busy road ) , nudging into the air with one of my toes , trying to hit the solid structure that I 'd know was the crossing . But I couldn 't find it . I thought I 'd just try to cross the river by wading across the river . But I knew the river was too deep for that . I edged my way over to the left , still poking my foot out to find the crossing . But now a huge semi - truck came barreling down the road . I must have been a little bit into the road . The truck screeched to a stop , almost , I thought , hitting me . I could feel the waves of heat pouring off the truck and flowing along my back . Suddenly I fell down , almost like I 'd fainted . I was lying on the ground , right underneath the front left tire of the truck . I was wrapped up in a white sheet , like swaddling clothes , or a burial sheet . I started to wonder if I hadn 't been hit by the truck after all . The headlights for the truck were now on . I could see them . The driver got out of the truck and ran to see me . I didn 't feel hurt . I didn 't know whether I was injured . I figured I could probably still use all my limbs , though , for some reason , I didn 't want to try at the moment . The driver may have attempted to lift me out from under the tire . He may have succeeded . Other drivers may have stopped and gathered around the front of the truck . I heard the flat , desperate scream of a woman . I was at my great grandmother 's house . ( My great grandmother died about three years ago in waking life . ) It was daytime , and golden sunlight filtered into the living room , like it always did . I was here with my mom and my sister . My great grandma had had some kind of bad accident . We all thought she was going to die . But now she was up and walking around the house , taking care of household chores . But , for some reason , either my mom and my sister or just my mom thought my great grandma was still going to die . I was trying to be a bit more positive about things . I tried to help my grandma out with her household chores . I had been in the hallway , maybe walking out from my grandma 's bedroom . I could see my grandma walking around in the living room . I then walked into the " guest bedroom , " the spare bedroom my grandma kept available for family members who wanted to stay the night . I could see my grandma heading toward the guest bedroom . I was doing something like arranging a huge pile of quilts on the bed . The pile was all stacked up neat and orderly . These were all quilts my grandma had made . The top one probably had a red and green design on it . As my grandma walked into the room , she discussed something with me . She may have spoken about smoothing out the quilt 's top . Or she may not have discussed it . But that 's what I was doing , for some reason . My grandma and I started having an interesting conversation ( of course - - I forget it now ! ) . I was really engaged on one point , when suddenly I saw my grandpa ( my mom 's dad , who died about four years ago in waking life ) coming toward the bedroom . For some reason , the door to the bedroom was open only a crack . But I could still see my grandpa . I stopped what I was talking about in mid - sentence . I didn 't want my grandpa to be involved in the conversation , for some reason . When my grandpa came into the room he said something nice to my grandma . He said something else to both me and my grandma . I smiled and treated my grandpa very politely and listened to what he had to say . My grandma walked out of the room . My grandpa switched his position so that I kind of had to face away from the bed . I may have held one of the quilts in my arms . I may have been folding it , so I may have held it folded over one of my arms . My grandpa told me something like , " When I died , at first I was a little woozy . I woke into the new world , but I didn 't know what it was . Slowly I began to see things clearly again . But only a little bit . And that 's when I saw angels . The angels were all facing in different directions , each to a different specific location in the world . One angel faced toward Argentina . Another angel faced toward Venezuela . . . " I could see , in my mind 's eye , a place full of light . At certain points , the bright , shining , white light seemed to resolve itself into clouds . There may have been golden gates at certain places in the clouds . In the clouds stood angels . The angels were , in fact , spaced widely apart and facing in all different directions . I think I figured that there must have been one angel for every country in the world . I was walking along the pedestrian portion of a large bridge , crossing over a large river . The pedestrian walkway was enormous , and the bridge must have been enormous as well . I was walking up toward a stairway up to the next section of walkway . The stairway ran between two walls of huge , stone blocks . It was a bright , clear day . But in the shade it felt cold , and there may have been some ice on the steps . I thought to myself what a comfort it was that my grandpa had visited me . I thought that now that he had shared his vision of the afterlife with me , I 'd be much less afraid of dying . I probably thought of the experience as a dream , but I may have kept a little feeling with me that it had actually , physically , happened inside my great grandma 's house . I thought I 'd share the experience I 'd had with my family . But , walking out from between the stone walls and out onto the next walkway ( which may also have had coatings of ice or snow along its edges ) , I thought that I may not share the experience . I felt like my mom , and possibly my aunt , had had experiences already with my grandpa and great grandma . I didn 't want their experiences to conflict with my experiences , and I didn 't want them to change their accounts of their own experiences so they would fit in with my account . I passed some sort of stone gate along the walkway . The walkway , which had been sloping up slightly , now became much flatter . I figured I was about halfway across the bridge by now . A dog came running up past the gates . It was a border collie . The man with the dog was still behind the gate . He was out jogging with his dog . But the dog had run a ways ahead of the man . The dog lay down right at a spot in the path where the coatings of snow had become so wide as to take up all but a central portion of the path . The dog was rolling around , growling , and baring his teeth so frantically that I was afraid to approach it . It seemed like a violent dog that would attack me if I got near it . But I was still a ways away from where the dog had stopped , and I figured I wouldn 't have to worry about what to do for a few more seconds . But now the man came running up from behind me . He quickly reached the dog . The man appeared to be in his fifties . He looked healthy , muscular , and tan . He was bald and wore sunglasses , a red ( or rusty tan ? ) t - shirt and some running shorts . He cheerfully told me ( I was still a ways away ) that the dog was actually a good dog and wasn 't anything to worry about , especially since the man was now with him . The man may even now have had the dog on a leash . But as I approached the point in the path where the man and the dog stood - - not moving forward , the man maybe jogging in place - - the dog began barking violently and frantically . The dog then did some weird move where it rolled through a puddle . The puddle splashed unbelievably high , sending a wave of water toward me . The water swept over me and shocked me . I backed up , out of the way of the wave . But I still thought of approaching the point in the path where the dog stood . But now , when the dog barked , sheets of cold , clear rain dropped from the sky ! They seemed to fall in time with the dog 's bark ! The sky was completely clear , but the sheets of rain would still fall . I backed up quite a bit , maybe all the way back behind the gates I 'd crossed when the dog had first passed me . I waited until the rains stopped . Then I began walking forward again . I think the dog and man were still at the point on the bridge . But now a group of teachers and students were approaching from the other side of the bridge . I think this may have made the dog less violent . I crossed the part of the walkway that was really coated in snow . I was now on a much thinner section of walkway . I could actually see out , on both sides , to the river we were crossing over . We were really high over the river ! I could also see the big city on the other side of the river . I think I crossed two groups of teachers and students . The teachers were all pretty , smart - looking women , probably in their late twenties . The students may mostly have been girls . A lot of the students looked like they came from places other than America . I believe I had tried to make space for the children by getting as far off to the side as I could . But the teachers made all the students turn their backs on me and stretch out their arms . It was like the children and teachers were all making a fence . The teachers were like fence posts , all evenly spaced between the students . The students , I notice , all wore pink wool caps and pink wool scarves and pea coats of some maroon - purplish color . At first I felt like the teachers had put this " human fence " in place specifically to block me from crossing the bridge . But the students weren 't blocking the passage at all . In fact , they even seemed to be standing up on the coating of snow , completely faced away from me . So now I wondered if the teachers had put this " human fence " where they 'd put it so I 'd have no chance of seeing any of the children 's faces , like , if I saw the children 's faces , I would do something perverted to the children . I was down in the subway in New York City . The subway platform I was on was really big and really crowded . But it was also constructed so that it felt really tiny and tight . The walls arced over toward the tracks very steeply . The light was a dirty , glaring white fluorescent light . A group of kids , maybe in their early twenties , stood behind me , around me in a half - circle , like they had gravitated toward me and were trying to make me a part of their group . From their conversation I gathered that the kids had come from Texas . They were here as tourists . This was their first day here . They had probably only gotten here a few hours ago . They were now headed back to their hotel . But they felt that they hadn 't seen enough . They hadn 't really known how to get around . And they were worried that tomorrow they still wouldn 't know how to get around . They wouldn 't be able to use their time efficiently . And they wouldn 't be able to see all the sights they wanted to see . There were a few guys and a couple of girls . The girls all looked pretty , clean , casually dressed , but well made - up . The guys were all kind of scraggly , sunburnt , with messy hair and messy clothes . But the guys and the girls were all cool . Even though they were upset about not knowing what they were doing , they all seemed to be joking and laughing with each other . I turned toward the guy who stood directly behind me . He had scraggly , tightly curled , blonde hair , a red - pink and pale white face , and he wore a dark , dingy blue t - shirt . I told the guy , kind of speaking to him over my shoulder , " You know , the easiest way to do this is just to get a subway map . You can find out where everything is where you want to go . Then just look at the subway map to see where you need to catch the trains to get there . " The man said that he didn 't want to spend a lot of money on some map . But I told him the subway map was free . He seemed surprised by this and asked me how he could get a subway map . I told him , " You just go to the subway booth . At a lot of stops , you 'll see , right past the exits , a little , silver structure with a worker sitting at it . You just go up to that worker and ask for a subway map . Look . I 'll show you . " I led the kids over to the stairway ( or set of stairways ? ) that led up to the turnstiles leading out of the station . Just past the turnstiles was a service booth . A worker sat at the booth . The kids all went up to the booth to ask for a map . I hoped the booth wasn 't out of maps . It wasn 't . The kids got their maps . I watched one of the boys pull out his wallet and slide his subway card through the turnstile . We all started walking back down the steps to the platform . The kids all told me thanks . Apparently , now that the kids knew their way around ( of course , they hadn 't even opened the maps yet ) , they were heading off on some different train . But I think the kids wanted me to be friends with them and help them out in getting places while they were touring around here . I thought I should give them my phone number or email address . But I couldn 't tell if they really wanted me around . So I told the kids that I had to hurry away to catch my train . I ran off to the right as they headed down another set of stairs off to the left . A view of a map superimposed over a view of a city . In the city it was a rainy afternoon . The sky was very dark . Some form of public transportation was traveling over the map and through the city . I had to use that form of transportation . I think that at first I would use a bus , but that then I would switch to a subway . A man I probably couldn 't see asked me if I would be alright taking the transportation . It was raining , and maybe there were places where I 'd have to walk from one stop to the next through the rain . Plus , the overall ride might be a lot longer than I 'd expected . But I told the man I 'd be okay . If you did the route the right way , it actually went pretty quickly . I traced the route along the map . As I did , I saw images of a bus , bus stops , the rainy town , and subway stops , all along the route I wanted to take . But there may actually have been some problems with the lines I was looking for . I may have found more difficulty in planning out my route than I 'd first expected . I was at my family 's house . I had gone into a bedroom to go to bed . Everybody else was still out in the living room . It was still early in the night . The sky was still light outside , so the light in the bedroom was a dim grey - blue . I lay in a big bed , covered up by a nice , big , white blanket . I had been chewing on some Corn Flakes cereal at some point in time . From the chewed up pieces of corn flakes , I made one regular sized corn flake . I held it before my face . It was dry and hard , like a regular corn flake . But it looked a little paler and kind of scaly . There may have been some object , like a little earring , at its center . My second oldest nephew suddenly came into the room . I didn 't want him to see that I was looking so intently on a corn flake made up out of other chewed up corn flakes . So I quickly hid the corn flake in my hand and slid my hand under the blanket . My nephew , thinking I was hiding something like money or candy , immediately became interested . At first he only called attention to the fact that I 'd hid something from him . When he did that , another boy , probably my youngest nephew , ran into the room . The two boys ran back and forth at the wall facing the foot of the bed . It was like they were giving all the furniture ( not sure what ) along that wall a surface inspection for something I might have hidden . I said something about how I didn 't have anything hidden . This convinced the second boy , who left . But my second oldest nephew wasn 't convinced . He ran up to the bed and jumped on it . He was on all fours , near my left side . He started calling out how he knew I had hidden whatever I had under the bed . It seemed like if it was candy or money , my nephew felt he absolutely had to know about it . I didn 't realize until this time that my nephew wasn 't wearing a shirt . But he was wearing something on his head that looked like he 'd turned his shirt into a headdress . The headdress almost looked like the hat of a jester . Some muscular guy with very smooth , tan skin and probably a bald head , was sitting on a couch . He was either naked or topless . The man was explaining how he was doing something that had something to do with kids . He was bragging about how well he understood kids and what kids needed . He was saying that it was almost like he was a kid himself . But he really just struck me as a big sleaze . I thought I 'd watch out for any kids , if he was taking care of them . The man held a little device in his left hand . It was like two plastic circles connected by a string . The two plastic circles sat side by side and rotated , like fans . The string apparently expanded , so that the two circles would drift apart from each other . But I 'm pretty sure I never saw the circles separate . Nevertheless , as the man spoke , I watched either the circles or the shadows of the circles encompass the man 's nipples , one circle for each nipple . As a part of some investigative operation , I had to go to a children 's school . I 'm pretty sure it was a high school . But it may have been a school for younger children . I had to go to the school with a group of kids . It was like I was a part of the kids ' family . This whole " family " may actually have been undercover operatives , like myself , or they may have been an actual family , unaware of the secret investigator role I was playing . I think I acted as myself , at my age . I don 't think I took on the identity of a child . It was the first day of school . Our father , a tall , thin , black man , pulled us up to the front of the school . I was sitting in the front passenger seat of the car . The father parked in a little parking space right before a little sidewalk that led to the front doors of the school . It was a nice , cool morning , with traces of autumn in the air . The kids got out of the car . It seemed like all the kids were of all different ages . Some of the kids were very young . Some of the kids seemed to wear school uniforms , while others may possibly have been wearing regular clothes . All the other kids ran up to the school building and into the school while I was still getting out of the car . There was one kid left in the car . He looked like my oldest nephew , except that he may have been a few years younger than he is in waking life . He crawled up from the backseat to the front seat and buckled himself in . I walked up to the school building . I had a big book bag with me . It was full of stuff . As I passed through the doors , I realized that I hadn 't organized my book bag at all . It would be a big mess . I was pretty sure this school had a security checkpoint right at the front . I 'd have to show my bag , which was a huge mess and would probably make me look suspicious . But I 'd also have to show my ID . I knew I had two forms of identification in my bag . But it would probably be a real hassle to find them . This would make me look even more suspicious . Security guards everywhere seemed to hate me . But I was going to make a really bad impression with the security guards at this checkpoint . I was walking through some town . But I was hungry for a breakfast burrito . I knew there were two places where I could get a breakfast burrito . One was the Connecticut Muffin nearby ( which was like the Connecticut Muffin in Fort Greene , Brooklyn - - except that I wasn 't in Brooklyn ) . The other was a place a few blocks down the road from the Connecticut Muffin . I knew the other place made better breakfast burritos . But I had the impulse to have a breakfast burrito as soon as possible . So I decided to head into the Connecticut Muffin . I walked inside the Connecticut Muffin , which really did look just like the Connecticut Muffin in Fort Greene , except that it had a huge belt - rope line - maze leading up to the order counter . There was almost nobody in the store . So I walked through the maze and up to the front of the line . Now there were two or three people just behind me . The worker , a young woman with light brown skin and frizzy , black hair , must have asked if she could take my order . But now she said , " Oh , you don 't need any help ? Okay . I 'll get the next person . " I was surprised that the woman had said that . I hadn 't remembered her even asking if I wanted help . I said , " No , no . I 'd like to get something . " The woman seemed a little disappointed that I wanted to place an order . For some reason I had to give the woman my money before I placed an order . I might have given her a twenty dollar bill , since that was all I had on me . I asked the woman for a breakfast burrito . The woman replied in a condescending voice , obviously pleased that she didn 't have to help me , and handing me back my money ( something like fourteen or fifteen dollars ? ) , " Oh , no , we aren 't allowed to do breakfast burritos anymore . We lost our license for that . The health inspectors came in and discovered we were serving our burritos at way too cold a temperature . " I was in a grocery store . I was possibly near the back end of the store , on the left side of the store ( as a person would face the store from front to back ) . The aisles near me seemed to be in disarray , like they were being rearranged , or like new stock had come in and was being added to the shelves . There were a few workers in the area that was disorganized . One of them was a tall , white man , probably young , even though his face looked a little worn - out . This man was probably the manager . I had probably been afraid of interacting with the workers . They seemed really boisterous , and I was afraid that they 'd start making fun of me if I got too close to them . But the manager walked up to me . He said , not as if he was saying it to me , but as if he were saying it to his friends , but loud enough that I could hear , " Weird Al loves this place . " I knew that the manager meant the comedy singer " Weird Al " Yankovic . I didn 't think it could be true that Weird Al even came to this grocery store , let alone that he could love the store . So I thought that somehow the manager had found out that I liked Weird Al , and that he was just saying this to impress me . But the manager motioned me to come along with him to the back room . The back room was really small , for a grocery store . The man told me that he seriously meant that Weird Al came to this store a lot , and that he really loved the place . I was now a worker for the store . Perhaps I had been this whole time . The manager brought me back out into the main area . We were all alone in the side aisle now . The place was still cluttered up . There were even big boxes running across the aisles , slanted diagonally from the floor of one side of the aisle to the top of the other side of the aisle . The boxes were thin , like they might have carried poles or fluorescent bulbs in them . The manager was walking backward as I walked forward . He was speaking to me excitedly . He said , " In fact , Weird Al is just now coming back from a concert tour . He 'll be coming in here one of these nights . We already have a cake made for him . " In my mind 's eye I could see a round , white cake with red words on the top . I had to walk either under or over one of the tall , slanting boxes that took up the aisle . As I did so , a bright flash of light probably filled my view . We were now at the front of the store . The window walls of the store probably showed that it was dark outside . The store was basically empty of customers . There was a long expanse of checkout lines . The manager stopped at the registers nearest us . A couple of blonde girls had a couple of registers , and the manager needed to check in on the girls . I walked down a few registers . There was another blonde girl . But her hair was shorter , and she looked less girly , more tomboyish , than the other two girls . I was a little attracted to her . She seemed to be wearing a kind of dumpy uniform , more like the 1980s style of uniform for Burger King than a modern uniform for a grocery store . I don 't know whether we talked , but we seemed to have some kind of interaction . I may have stood into the register beside her , as if I were going to start working that register . But then I walked away again . I had a big , fat book in my hand . I lay it down , probably on the woman 's register , but possibly on my own . I turned around and walked back toward the registers where the manager had been seeing to the other girls . Apparently a shift change was occurring . Some girls were counting the money in their registers , while other girls were putting their own new cash tills into the cash registers . I had been - - at some point ! - - carrying a paper coffee cup , like from a coffee shop . But now all I was holding was the heat - protector sleeve . I wanted to get rid of it . So I tore it up into tiny pieces . I walked past a thin column in the store . There was a small , white , plastic garbage can , like for use at an office desk . I tossed the shreds of paper in there . But when I looked , the garbage bag was empty , other than my shreds of paper and a ten dollar bill ! I thought that one of the cashier girls must have dropped ten dollars out of their register . I thought that somebody 's register would come up really short . I thought that somebody would definitely get in trouble for that . But I didn 't call attention to the ten dollars . I 'm not sure why . I just noted it , looked up , and kept walking . I walked back up the aisle I had come from . But now the aisle was clear , with no clutter or boxes . I walked all the way to the back of the store , then turned to walk toward the right side of the store . But as I walked , I realized I probably needed to head back to the registers . I have left my book - - which I now knew was Jim Marrs ' Trillion Dollar Conspiracy - - laying on the woman 's cash register conveyor belt . I couldn 't just leave my book sitting there . I needed to go back for it before I could continue walking around the store . I was in an apartment . The apartment unit was on the ground floor , but it may actually have been two stories tall . But the apartment was also something more like a hotel . It was obtained only for short periods of time . Either I had gotten the hotel , or some other person had gotten it and was having me watch the place , since I had nowhere to live . It was night . The photo and video artist Laurel Nakadate had just entered the apartment . We stood just in front of the door , in a space between the living room and a dining area . I was probably holding blankets and a pillow . Nakadate was kind of tall . She was wearing a tight , black tank top and tight , brown pants , maybe of some kind of suede - like material . Her hair was a little bit disheveled . Nakadate had probably come here for the night . She knew I had this place , and I 'd probably told her she could use it . But I was trying to keep the details of the place , and of my life overall , secret from her . I didn 't have a job anymore , and this place was only temporary . In fact , I didn 't know what I would do once I had to leave this place . I didn 't want Nakadate to know any of this about me . I felt like , if she knew , she 'd reject me as a worthless person . Nakadate and I had a conversation about something I can 't remember . It was a very calm and natural conversation , but I can 't remember what it was about . But all through the conversation , I did my best to conceal my situation and to act like everything was just fine . We agreed that Nakadate would go take care of something , maybe taking a shower ? , and that we 'd then meet in the bedroom just past the living room . I could see the light on in the bedroom . I walked through the living room and into the bedroom . My ex - girlfriend H , who had taken the place of Nakadate , was sitting on the bed , waiting for me . The bed was set along the back wall . H was watching a TV , which was set along the opposite wall . The bed H sat on was like a bed that had a second , pull - out bed in its underside . The lower bed was pulled out just enough so that H could use it either as a seat cushion , like the bed was a couch , or like a footrest , with the top mattress being used as a seat cushion . The rest of the room was completely empty . I sat down beside H . She may have been eating a cup of ramen . I " watched TV " with H , even though I 'm not sure I actually saw a TV at all . I may just have been staring at a blank wall . H and I began having some conversation , which may also have had to do with my living arrangements . My thoughts drifted into a woman talking about the living arrangements she and her husband had . The woman seemed to be a 1950s kind of woman , even though I 'm not sure what time period she really lived in . The woman and her husband both had very similar professions . And whatever the man and woman did , they liked to travel while doing it . They especially liked living in the mountains . So , the woman explained , the man and the woman opted to get a kind of extremely modular house . The houses were cheaper than normal houses . They were also much smaller than normal houses . But the man and woman didn 't like having a lot of space . They preferred having freedom . The houses were good for this . They could be picked up or dropped off by the buyers very easily , wherever they needed to go . However , the woman had lately found that the couple 's finances weren 't stable enough for the couple to afford the modular houses . So the woman was having to take her modular house back to the modular house store . All she did , actually , was get on a bicycle , to the front of which was attached the modular house , and pedal it down a mountain road . The house was so light that the woman could just pedal it away . The woman rode along a beautiful , undulating mountain road that was lined with pine trees and fields of yellow flowers . The sky was blue , marbled with wisps of white cirrus clouds . The woman was pale , and she wore a pale , rusty - tan dress , in the 1950s style , very understated , with thin buttons running down the blouse , and the skirt belling out just a bit , going down all the way to the ankles . The woman 's red - brown hair was done in a short , elegant style . The woman was " narrating " over this view . She said that this wasn 't unusual for her and her husband . They would often take their modular houses back to the store when they felt they couldn 't afford them . ( I 'm not sure what they did when they didn 't have houses . Did they camp ? ) But , eventually , the husband would start to feel good about his life and finances again . Then the couple would go out and get another modular home . After a while , the woman would see that the couple 's finances could no longer support their having a modular home . And the couple would take the modular home back to the shop . The woman looked very cheerful . And her narration had a cheerful tone . But it was evident that the woman was distressed about the couple 's financial situation . The woman probably wished that the husband would find some way of being more responsible . I now got a better view of the modular home . It didn 't look like much of a home at all . It was a wooden structure , like it was made out of old shipping pallets , or out of rough - hewn , wooden boards . I don 't think I could make out much of a house - like structure to the construction . And it looked really small , maybe not more than three meters long and wide , and not more than a meter or a meter and a half tall . Nevertheless , it still looked really heavy . I wondered how the woman could just bike it all the way down to town , especially on a mountain road like this . The woman , in " narration , " cheerfully answered that most of the ride was downhill anyway , that the modular home was small and light , and that the modular home actually was even lighter than it already looked . I watched the woman from the crest of a hill . As the woman seemed to be coming round a bend , something happened . I could tell ahead of time that the woman was going to crash . She did . The bike and the modular home wound off onto the shoulder of the road . The woman flew off the bike and landed face down in a patch of pink flowers . I thought the woman was dead . But apparently she was alive . I probably heard the woman , in narration , explaining why the crash hadn 't hurt so much . But she hadn 't stood up yet . My view panned up the slope . I drifted along the road , back up to the spot where the modular home used to be . But the modular home was still there . I now heard the husband 's voice in narration . But it was like the husband 's voice was my voice as well , or , actually , more like my thoughts and feelings were controlling the husband 's voice , which was a lot more dignified than my voice . I could also see an image of the husband in my mind 's eye : a 1940s style photo of a handsome young man in military dress uniform . The husband / I was explaining how he / I wasn 't planning on getting rid of the modular home . The wife had always been anxious about finances . But the husband / I had a feeling that the couple 's finances would be fine soon enough . The husband / I felt like everything was going to be okay , so there was no reason to get rid of the modular home . The modular home was built on a square deck of wood . At each corner of the square stood a wooden pillar , kind of like a tower . In the center of the wooden deck stood the house itself . The house was rather small , almost like a child 's playhouse . Its walls were square , but its roof may have been rounded , or teardrop - shaped . The whole thing was made out of rough - hewn wood . The design may have reminded me of a miniature version of the Taj Mahal . I may have thought that this little place was definitely not big enough for me an H ( or for me and Laurel Nakadate ? ) . I thought that I would definitely want to keep the modular house . But I would probably want to change the model for one that used the space of the plot a little bit better , i . e . one that incorporated more of the deck space into the interior of the house . I may have heard the woman 's narration again , or I may have heard some other woman 's voice in narration . It was like the woman was acting as a real estate agent , or a modular home sales agent . She was supporting all of my feelings regarding keeping the modular home and possibly trading into a new home . I stood out in some mountain landscape , in a valley full of golden grass . The golden grass was filled in places with pockets of white snow . I had apparently journeyed a long way to get here . I still had a great deal of journeying left to do . I may have remembered a conversation I 'd had with an old man before I 'd started this journey . The man may have been tall , slim , bald , dressed in an old - fashioned pinstripe suit of very dark material . I had been discussing a number of images with an old man . It was like I was in a dream , trying to rehearse all the elements of the dreams I 'd had over the course of the night . I reached the end of the sequence of images , and I was kind of surprised by them . There was some sort of unity to them I hadn 't expected . I think this unity had to do with celebrities . But the dream images all clouded over - - like they had been drawn over with heavy amounts of crayon ! It was like a succession of images piled over the images I 'd just organized in my head . A chain - link fence clouded over everything : the chain - link fence being shaded all through with opaque browns , greys and greens . Then a man 's head , also colored with heavy , dark colors , appeared before the chain - link fence . Then another chain - link fence . Then another man 's head .

It has been 4 months since my first cycle of bipolar disorder . The fact that I 've made it this far through 20 cycles is a complete miracle , especially remembering that , at one point , 6 more weeks until a doctor 's appointment seemed impossible . It has been 4 months since my world literally crumbled beneath my feet and everything stopped . I stopped cleaning , doing preschool with my daughter , leaving love notes for my husband , going visiting teaching , doing consistent scripture study , attending the temple , exercising , doing my hair , reading , trying to make new meals , blogging about my family , doing any hobbies , etc . It all stopped . I really didn 't know how I would pick myself up and move forward , and I wasn 't sure that I even wanted to try to move forward again . I didn 't do much for two months except blog on here and try to keep up with taking care of my family . Blogging was the only thing I could hold onto that wouldn 't slip out of my grasp . I knew I needed to start doing other things , but I couldn 't . It all hurt too much and served as a painful reminder that my life had changed dramatically , that I had changed . At the beginning of January , with the painful memories of the past couple of months behind me , I decided to start trying again . It started with going to the temple . I was completely terrified and overwhelmed about going . Something about driving 2 hours , sitting with my daughter in a random place surrounded by random people , then going into the temple and completing all of the necessary steps , followed by driving another 2 hours home seemed impossible . But after a few failed attempts , we finally went . I was scared for days leading up to it and wondered if I could actually do it , but I DID ! ! ! And the best part was that I felt good for 2 days after going . Blessings ! We went back to the temple in February and plan to go again in March . Temple attendance is officially back in my life . Then , I decided to add back in scripture study . I had been doing a little bit here and there , but nothing consistent or beneficial . Sometimes I would try to read and would get so overwhelmed that I would cry for 30 minutes or an hour without even opening the book . It was pathetic and frustrating and discouraging , so I stopped doing it altogether . But after a series of very fortunate events , I was able to find the strength to read . I only cried for a few minutes before exerting all the power I had to open the book and read . I read an entire chapter ! ! ! That 's the most I had read in at least a month . The next day , I read again . It was easier , and I felt blessings flowing into my life . Next , I wanted to add visiting teaching . I got a wonderful new partner who has been a great support and strength to me . I was really overwhelmed about calling to set up appointments , but my partner 's love and confidence in me gave me the strength to do it . Last month , we did ALL of our visiting teaching . I hadn 't visited anyone since all of this started , so for us to visit / write everyone was truly miraculous . I 've slowly but surely tried to crochet again , do some activities with my daughter , write an occasional note for my husband , exercise sporadically , do my hair equally sporadically , and clean . Things are still very different , and I don 't know if they will get back to being normal again anytime soon . But this I do know - - My mania is not quite like traditional mania . It has some similarities ( energy , racing thoughts , trouble sleeping , etc ) , but it is also very different ( mainly that I do not feel enjoyable during mine at all ! ) . It starts with the right side of my jaw tightening and getting a little uncomfortable . It 's not painful really , just annoying . Sometimes this part starts before I have actually switched over to mania , so I know the switch is coming soon . Then , the tightening spreads to my throat and chest . Breathing gets very painful , but strangely only on the right side . It feels like there are sores all up and down the right side of my airways , so air coming past makes it sting . I really don 't know what causes this at all . Next , the tightening intensifies to feeling very uncomfortable and painful in my chest . I usually describe this to my husband as my heart being on fire . It 's not in one place in my chest or in the same place every time , so I usually describe this as my heart , but it 's not , because it actually happens on the right side . My throat muscles tighten and breathing becomes even more difficult and painful ( it burns like nothing I can describe ) . After a couple of days of experiencing this , I start to get this feeling of energy that starts in my toes and feet . It feels like there are little microscopic bouncy balls bouncing in my veins at super speed . It makes my feet and legs feel numb and tingly , and I shake . At first , it is a choice to shake , because shaking relieves some of the pain in my chest and the energetic feelings in my toes and feet . But after a little while , I can 't choose it anymore . At the point that I can 't stop shaking even if I try , my whole legs are shaking . At some point , everything intensifies to the point that I have to lay down in bed and let it all out . This is when everything shakes , including my hands and arms . I 'm sure it looks almost like I 'm having a seizure . My hand muscles get so tight that my fingers almost freeze in their current position and lock up . This very intense part of it is the worst and feels completely unbearable . It lasts anywhere from 1 - 4 hours . When the worst of it has passed , it 's like everything winds down the same way it built up . My muscles always feel really sore , because of all the shaking and tightening , but they are able to relax some . I do not like mania at all and would not consider it pleasant in any way like some people feel with mania . Honestly , I think of mania as going through hell , because that 's the best way I can think of to describe the depth of pain it causes . This is the way it has been for the last 20 cycles , including before I started taking medication , so at least I know it 's not an adverse reaction to the medicine . Although the mania is much more difficult to deal with than the depression , I feel like I grow so much closer to Heavenly Father during this time . It 's something that is basically impossible to understand without feeling it ( I never would have imagined a pain like this existed unless I felt it ) , so I can 't rely on anyone else besides Heavenly Father to understand my pain . And I don 't feel like I can be around anyone , including my family , when it gets really bad , so I am only left with the ability to pray . But I know that I am strengthened and supported through every difficult mania I face , and someday all of the pain of my broken brain will be healed ! Although I didn 't feel very well emotionally , my spirits were high and hopeful and cheerful . I had a great desire to serve others , to reach out , to smile , and to leave a good mark on this world . I felt so full of faith and optimism , almost as if everything was back to normal , and I was my real self again . Over the last few months , I have often felt the painful realization that I am not who I once was . When I meet new people , I feel this constant desire to explain who I really am , that this isn 't me and that the real me is simply buried under the pain of bipolar disorder . When I interact with people who I 've known for a long time , I find myself apologizing for not being the same as I used to be . When I go places where I don 't know anyone , I want to stand up and tell everyone that this isn 't me , because I don 't want them to assume that the darkness surrounding me is normal for who I am . And don 't even get me started on the absolute panic I feel about moving somewhere new and meeting all new people , none of which know that who I am now is not the same as who I used to be . I 've spent hours crying over this new life that I am living , one that I didn 't choose and one that is so different from the life I lived before . I have spent more time than I can count worrying that people will judge me harshly for not being able to do everything that I could do before . But today my perspective changed . No , I 'm not who I once was . In fact , I often feel like I am beaten down and covered with the wounds , weariness , and scars of this fight . But today I 'm taking a step forward in faith . I 've decided to love this new me . I may be different now , but I can choose to accept the change and to let go of the heavy burden that who I am now is worse than who I was before . In fact , I have chosen to recognize that this new me is beautiful with and because of all the scars of these last few months . I had something else that I wanted to blog about today . But then , the light broke through the pervasive darkness , and I knew that I had to write about how I feel . If not for anyone else , then for me , for the future me who wonders if light even exists anymore . These last few weeks have been more challenging than I ever knew possible . It 's like every time I think I have reached the lowest point , I find out that it 's possible to drop lower . These last few weeks , I battled non - stop darkness . You probably couldn 't tell if you saw me , because I tried really hard to hide it , but inside , I was pretty sure that there was no point in going on , that I had lost the fight , and that I wanted to give up . I desperately wanted to tell someone how I felt , but there were no words to describe it , so I simply held on and watched as all the remaining light drained out of my life . The episodes came and then switched quickly and ferociously , but the thick cloud of sorrow and hopelessness stayed around all the time . I couldn 't shake it . I couldn 't snap out of it . I couldn 't do anything about it . Some days , I would take a nap and wake up to find my body paralyzed for 15 or 30 minutes by the heavy weight of darkness . I physically could not move . Other days , my whole body would viciously shake and convulse from mania . I had no clue how to cope with the drastic and extreme fluctuations in my mood and my energy levels . On Sunday , everything came crashing down on me . At church , my mind was literally screaming repeatedly that I wanted to die . I had no energy left to fight it . I didn 't want to get better , and I didn 't care that I didn 't want to get better , because I was sure that I would never make it through . The darkness was swallowing me whole , and it seemed like no force was strong enough to pull me out . I prayed for several nights in a row that Heavenly Father would allow me to die peacefully in the night . I begged that it could be His will . I told Him that I could not give any more and that getting better was no longer an option for me . Every morning that I woke up after praying , I felt a little disappointed , but I kept holding on , even though I had no reason to . I didn 't want to , but I did anyway . I got priesthood blessings , I talked to some people about how I felt , I prayed , I asked others to pray for me , and I spent lots of time with friends during the day and family in the evening , but nothing was working in bringing a small flicker of light into my pitch black world . This morning , however , I woke up to find that something had flipped the seemingly broken and unflippable switch in my brain . The light was back . I don 't know what did it . I wish I did , because then I would know to do that every time . But the light is back , nonetheless . I don 't want to sound pessimistic , but realistically , this light probably won 't be here for very long . So while it 's here , I 'll write a letter to myself about what I want myself to know next time this happens . The desire to give up is not your own and will not last forever . In the depth of darkness , it seems that there is no way out and no hope , but there is always hope ! There is so much to live for , including your beautiful family who loves you and needs you , even with these struggles . The light will always come again ! Unfortunately , it 's not predictable , so I don 't know when , but it will . And the light is glorious , beautiful , breathtaking , incredible , and definitely worth holding on through the powerful darkness that sometimes has to come first . It really will come again , even when it seems like there is no way out . Letting the darkness destroy you is a choice . Do not give up ! Hold on . Keep trying . Trust in future light . It will come . I promise . Don 't forget to look for miracles . They are everywhere . Even if you can 't feel God 's love , it is there , and the evidence is in all the little tender mercies and miracles that surround you . This is hard . It 's meant to be hard . But you are growing stronger every day , and you can do hard things . Be thankful for the struggle , because it is what is allowing you to become . Someday this will be over . I wish with all my heart that I could tell you when it would all get better , but all I know is that it will . Don 't stop trying to get better . It 's worth the effort and the wait . You 're worth it . You will get through this . You have an army of people surrounding you who love you and support you and are willing to help you when you need it . Most of all , the Savior is here for you . He understands you completely and loves you perfectly . He will strengthen you , when you feel so weak . You can do all things with Him . My love story started 3 1 / 2 years ago in the beautiful Nauvoo Temple . On that hot , but not humid , September morning , my husband and I stared into the mirrors facing each other on opposite walls in the temple and looked into eternity . We thought we knew what love was , or at least I did . Our sealer read this poem , and everything about the new life we were starting together seemed dreamy and perfect . I thought I knew what it would be like to go through storms and tempests together , but now I realize that I had no clue . I find it fascinating that our sealer read a poem about light and lighting each other 's flames , since my world has suddenly been inundated with darkness . I also find it fascinating that the darkness has taught me what true love is . I don 't often feel the emotion of love I used to feel . In fact , many times I feel like being alone , and I have to push myself with everything I have to put effort into my family , mostly because I don 't feel motivated to put effort into anything . I feel darkness where I used to feel loving and caring and happy emotions . But in the places of my heart that used to hold love and now hold darkness , I have learned that true love is not an emotion . True love is an action . I show my love for my family , and I prove that love to myself , by doing the dishes when I really don 't care if they get done , by using the good days or moments I have to do special things for them , and by holding on when I wish with all my heart that giving up could be an option . I have felt my husband 's love when he has held me as my heart shatters , when he has come home from working all day and made dinner because I was struggling , when he has promised that he will stand by me through my darkest moments and never leave , and when he tells me that he feels my love over and over and over again when I 'm upset that the emotion of love isn 't there . Our love story is not what it used to be or what I thought it would be . But for some reason , I don 't want to go back . I do hope that we will find a way to remove this darkness from my life , but I 'm so thankful that , no matter what , our deepened love will remain . And I will forever be grateful that I am married to a man whose light and love shine brightly through darkness . Today was my long - awaited appointment with the doctor . For some reason , I always get this unrealistic expectation that the doctor will tell me , " If you just do this , it will all go away soon " or something like that . I look forward to these appointments more than almost anything right now , and I always hope that someone will know how to take this all away . But this is never the case . She changed my zoloft to taking it at night with the hope that it won 't make me so sleepy . She also increased my dose of lithium , because the level of lithium in my blood wasn 't within the therapeutic range , and it hasn 't seemed to help yet . If this increase doesn 't help , she has the plan to put me on another medication to help with the mania , and she is willing to do this over the phone before my next appointment , which is April 10th . To tell you the truth , I am exhausted . I am just finishing cycle 18 , and my most recent 7 cycles have been crammed into the last 4 weeks . The depression has gotten much worse , mostly because I 'm so tired and nothing is helping yet . But my search for joy is not over and never will be . Although it is increasingly more difficult to find joy in the thickness of this pain , it is not impossible , and the joy is so much more meaningful when I find it given the darkness that surrounds it . Recently , I have found joy in : Doing the grocery shopping by myself AND not crying at all while I did it . ( Side note : Do you even know how weird and embarrassing it is to cry in the middle of Walmart with a huge shopping cart full of food ? I always want to tell people that they were out of Reese 's and that upset me , but I refrain . ) Being surrounded by wonderful people , people who pray for me , visit me , put my name on the temple prayer roll , hug me , listen to me , and love me . Bugles on sale ! ! ! Really , joy and good munchy snacks go hand - in - hand . : ) Yesterday , I did a new brave thing . Basically this whole journey has felt like doing one brave thing after another , because something inside of me has pushed me to embrace bravery rather than fear . Yesterday , I worked up enough courage to ask for help in a moment of great hurt . Up until yesterday , I have accepted help when it has been offered to me , and that has been hard enough , but I have never dreamed of actually asking for it . Many people have offered to be there for me when I need it , and I have received an outpouring of love and support , but I have never brought myself to let someone know that I needed them . A few things have stopped me in the past : 1 ) Fear . 2 ) Embarrassment . 3 ) Pride . 4 ) Not wanting to be a burden . 5 ) Not wanting anyone to see me at my lowest . I 'm not sure if those are in the right order of rank , because they all seem equally important in a moment of need , but yesterday , I felt the fear that my friend would think terribly of me for asking for help , that she would feel burdened by me asking for her time , and that she would never think of me the same after seeing me with puffy , tear - stained eyes . But I knew I needed help . I was feeling incredibly awful emotionally , and my daughter was napping , so I also felt extremely lonely . Usually I just try to sleep the loneliness and pain away , but this time , I couldn 't sleep . At first , I curled up in a ball on my bed and sobbed , trying to convince myself of every reason why I shouldn 't ask for help . My mind turned to all the miracles I have experienced in these last few months , the times when people have known to help in an exact moment of need . I thought maybe I could sit there and wait , and God would tell someone I needed help . But something inside of me told me that it was my turn . I needed to ask . I couldn 't expect God to give me the help I needed if I didn 't put forth some of my own effort . So I grabbed my phone and starting scrolling through the list of names in my contacts . There was name after name of people who have offered help , but I was too afraid . They must be busy . I told myself . They have better things to do . They have enough to worry about . I got almost to the end and found one name that I felt I could actually go through with asking . I was so so scared and took a very long time trying to make the text sound exactly right , including saying several times that they didn 't need to make time for me if they were too busy . When I had the text all written , and had read over it a million times , I took a deep breath and pushed send . I curled up even tighter as my mind raced frantically . Why did you do that ? She doesn 't want to come help you . You shouldn 't need to ask for help . She is going to feel burdened by you . You should have asked someone else , not her . What kind of friend asks for help instead of giving it ? The weight of my fear and sadness was crushing me . After a few minutes , my friend texted back and said that she 'd be there in a few minutes . I sighed in relief and waited . When she got to my house , I opened the door , and we hugged . I apologized for asking her to come over , and her reply changed my perspective . " No , thank you for asking . It makes me feel good that you trust me . " I thought about how I feel when someone asks me for help , especially help in a time of emotional heartache . It doesn 't feel like a burden . I feel privileged to be able to help them . And it most definitely helps me in return to know that my friend considered me someone to call on in a time of need . It 's the same for others when I am the one in need . Although I wish that I could get through this by myself , that I didn 't need to ask for help , and that I didn 't need the help I ask for , I am thankful to be learning this lesson and to be creating friendships that reach beyond the comfortable boundaries . I am so blessed to have the kind of friends who will drop what they are doing and run to my aid , when I need comfort and companionship . And I am learning that choosing to be brave is choosing to have JOY . The greatest moments of bravery ( what I consider brave ) through my journey are some of my greatest moments of JOY ! On August 21 , 1986 , a beautiful little girl was born to me and my husband Rick . She was our 2nd child , and her pregnancy was unexpected . My older daughter Cynthia was only 4 months old , when I realized I was pregnant again . We were students at BYU , and I had actually dropped out for the semester to stay home with Cynthia . After the semester ended , my husband decided that having 2 children so close together was going to be difficult to let him stay in school full time and provide for our small family , so he went into the Army Reserves to have help in paying for school . I was scared . I didn 't want him to leave us because of having a new baby and expecting another . When he enlisted , I learned that he would be gone to boot camp for 7 weeks and then would go off to train in officer school because of his education , which would take an additional 6 weeks . But at that point , he seemed determined to do this , so I said a tearful goodbye , and our contact was a weekly phone call . I was extremely worried about this pregnancy because our first child had been born 10 weeks early . I was told at that time I had an incompetent cervix . The pregnancy seemed to progress normally . At first , I will admit I was so stressed and worried about our financial and living situation that I found myself almost wishing that I would miscarry . Then I would feel extremely guilty for having such selfish thoughts . When I got to about 16 weeks along , I realized that this was really going to happen . I know a lot of my anxiety came with just being alone in our little studio apartment with pretty much no friends to confide in . In fact , our next door neighbors were Hugh and Phyllis Nibley . Hugh was , of course , a big time lecturer at BYU and used to be historian for the LDS church . And Phyllis was a very accomplished cellist . They were definitely not people I wanted to hang out with or confide in . Our small apartment was actually an old house that was converted into a four - plex . After a couple months of being alone , a cute couple moved into the apartment above ours , and we became great friends . We actually met , because our mail would get mixed up all the time . Their last name was Huntington , and ours was Hunting . I was quite naive about prenatal care , and having no money , I didn 't go in to see a doctor until I was about 5 months along . I remember going in to see Dr . Jeff Adams . He did a pelvic exam and all of the sudden his eyes went big and wide . I asked him what was wrong . He said , " I 'll be honest with you . You are dilated to a 5 . But you haven 't effaced yet . I 'm amazed you have made it this far into the pregnancy without having this baby yet . " I was ordered to go on strict bedrest , he prescribed some medication , and gave me a monitor belt to wear that would alert his office if I started contracting . He honestly thought he would be delivering a preemie . Well , I didn 't tell him I had a 7 month old baby at home and that we were it . There was no one to care for me or my daughter , so the bedrest thing went out the window . But I did take the medication , and I wore the monitor belt . I went for 3 more months thinking every morning I would wake up and deliver this baby early . But time went by , my husband made it home from his training in the Army , and before I knew it , I made it to 37 weeks . Dr . Adams kept telling me every visit that I was a walking miracle . At 37 weeks , he took me off of the medication to help stop contractions and the monitor belt was given back to him . I laughingly told him that I would probably be in the hospital the next day having my baby . He said , " I don 't think it will start that soon , you still haven 't effaced much yet . " 2 days went by and then I started contracting and knew we would be having our second little girl soon . On August 21st , a perfect little girl was born . The nurses raved about her , telling me she was the top of her APGAR score . Our pediatrician came in and told me how delighted he was in this perfect baby . Everyone kept using that word , " perfect " . On the day of discharge , Dr . Clayton , our pediatrician , came in for one final look before we left and again called her a perfect angel . I said , " Oh , I 'm sure you say that to all the parents . " He was really a very kind , gentle man . He said , " You know , I 'm always complimentary to parents about their babies . But really , your daughter is physically as perfect as they come . " Then he proceeded to explain the APGAR score and told me more why she was rated a " perfect " baby . I was , of course , proud that I had given birth to this beautiful girl . We still hadn 't decided on a name yet for this baby . My husband and I couldn 't come to an agreement . We finally decided on Rachel Hope Hunting . Since I was 13 years old , I used to watch a soap opera called " Days of Our Lives , " and there was an actress whose name was Hope on the show . I fell in love with that name . I wanted our daughter 's first name to be Hope , but Rick was so against it . We decided on Rachel , and he said he didn 't mind if her middle name was Hope . So I started life with 2 babies , one 13 month old and a newborn . My husband went back to school at BYU and life , even though a little hectic , began for me as a busy mom . Well time went by , and we still were struggling financially . Rick 's education was paid for , but we still had bills to pay and a family to feed . I was only able to nurse my infant for about 6 weeks when my milk suddenly stopped . I have no idea why . So it was decided that my husband would do early morning janitor work at BYU from 4 : 30 - 7 : 30 , he took out a student loan to help us with some bills , and I went to work on a swing shift at a nursing home as an aide . My husband was done with his classes by early afternoon so we would have about 1 1 / 2 hours together until I went to work . My shift ended at 11 : 30 at night and I would go home and just collapse . We did this for several months . I noticed , however , that my husband started getting really moody . I asked him what was wrong . He said it was too hard to take care of the girls and get his studying done . This man was a perfectionist and would not settle for any grade less than an A . His engineering class was quite competitive and I knew he was feeling that pressure as well . I encouraged him that we would have to do this for a year and a half more until he had finished his degree , that this trial would be a short time in comparison to the rest of our lives . He would be okay for a day or two and then the moodiness and would come back . I also noticed that Rachel wouldn 't take a bottle from him anymore and that he was a little rough with her at times . One night , I was at work , and I got a phone call from him . He said that he was worried about Rachel , that he had been watching a football game , and that he had jumped up from the chair in a reaction to a play and landed on her arm . He wanted to bring her to me at work and have the nurse I worked with look at her . The nurse I worked with was a really sharp little gal . She was my age and was working on her RN degree . She was an LPN . Her father was also a pediatrician , and she said she got to work in his office as a teenager , so she knew a little more about medicine than most nurses . When Rick brought her in , Rachel 's right arm was swollen at the shoulder , and she wouldn 't move it . The nurse said the joint was okay but was probably almost dislocated . She told my husband to be more careful around our girls when watching his sports and told me to bring her into the doctor if her arm didn 't improve in a couple days . After the next day , she started moving around as normal , crawling and swinging along like normal so I didn 't think much more about what had happened . Then on April 3rd , 1987 , I went to work like I normally did . I had a quiet shift . When my relief came in at 11 : 30 , I stayed to talk with the night aide whose name was Rose . We talked for about 30 minutes , which was something I never did . Once Rose came on , I usually took right off . I was always anxious to get home , check on my babies , and go to bed . But that night , I stayed . That decision to stay and talk I have regretted the rest of my life . I got home shortly after midnight and found all the lights on in our house , and my husband holding a lifeless infant . I asked him what had happened . He said he was feeding her , when she threw up , and he thought she had aspirated . I didn 't pay much attention to him , and I could tell by the way she was breathing that this was an emergency . So we called our upstairs neighbor who thank heavens was still up . I asked them to keep a watch on Cynthia and explained quickly that we had to take Rachel to the hospital . We fortunately only lived about 5 blocks from the hospital , so we got there quickly , and for the next several hours , the staff worked on our little baby trying to revive her . I told them what my husband had said , that he was feeding her , and she aspirated . She went off to CT scans and other tests . For about 3 hours , I knew nothing that was going on . We waited and waited in the ER . I was starting to feel like I was going to go crazy , because no one would tell us what was going on . Finally , the nurse who was initially assigned to take care of her told us we needed to leave the room . He looked at us with a strange indifference and almost angry attitude . I asked him what was wrong , and why would no one tell us what was happening . He said the doctor would be in to see us soon , and then he turned around and said , " If you had told us the truth , your baby probably wouldn 't be in this condition . " I looked at him and wondered what in the heck he meant by that . Then , the pediatrician on - call came in and asked us both a couple questions , and when he learned that my husband was alone with Rachel when this happened , he took him in a separate room and started to question him . They were gone for over an hour . I was agonizing over Rachel . I had no idea where she was , and I was worried about Cynthia being with my neighbors , I knew they would be needing to go to work soon . So I asked at the nurses station where my husband and doctor were . I walked in on them having a very serious conversation . I told the doctor that I needed to know what was going on too . He told me where Rachel was , that they had admitted her to the intensive care unit on Pediatrics . He said he needed a few more minutes with my husband and then he would take us up to where Rachel was . He also seemed detached and aloof . At first I blamed it on him being up all night , but later realized there was a reason why he was treating us so cooly . Finally , they came out of the room . Rick looked pale and very sad . We went up the the intensive care unit and there my 7 month old was laying unresponsive in a crib . She had a ventilator hooked up to her to do her breathing . Her head was also very swollen . She didn 't look like her normal self . I asked the doctor to explain what was going on , and he very candidly told me . As I heard him speak , I remember feeling almost detached from my body . He said that Rachel had been shaken severely and that she had a severe head trauma . He said , at that point , they didn 't know if she had brain damage or not . He said , at that point , they didn 't know if she was going to live or die . I disagreed and told him , " No , that 's not what happened . " The doctor looked at Rick and said he had some phone calls to make and that he needed to tell me what really happened . I felt like a stranger was talking to me . My husband told me that he had an exam that he was trying to study for . He said that Rachel kept crying . He said he would try to feed her , and she wouldn 't eat . He said he tried a bottle , and she wouldn 't take that . He checked her diaper , it was dry . He said she continued to cry , and he couldn 't take it anymore , so he shook her . He said after he shook her that she went limp and wouldn 't respond . To this day , I still remember the horror and utter shock and grief I felt at that moment , as I pictured my tiny daughter being treated this way by her own father . I remember the few times I caught him being rough with her in the past couple months and warning him that he needed to be more gentle . I also knew he wasn 't a cruel person , that his anxiety over school had taken such a top priority that he was feeling helpless that he couldn 't study the way he wanted to . Everything crashed down on me . I went home feeling so helpless , so very confused , so empty . I picked up Cynthia , explained briefly about Rachel 's condition to my neighbors , and they patted me on the back and wished us well . I went back to the hospital later that day after sleeping a little . Rachel 's pediatrician , Dr . Clayton , came in to see her . He was so sad . His countenance was fallen . He said , at that point , there was no change . It was a " wait and see " time . I went home and took care of Cynthia , feeling so lethargic . I went in again in the morning . By this time , we had alerted our families where Rachel was , but we were both reluctant to say why she was in the hospital . I think I told my parents that she was dropped or something . I was in such a fog that I honestly don 't remember what I told them . By day 2 , she improved some , and Dr . Clayton was hopeful . He said her brain activity was better , she was responding to tests they were doing , and he said , " I think this little girl may pull out of what happened . " I went home finally feeling some hope , a lot of relief , and just thought of the day we could bring her home . Rick went to his classes . We went for a short visit as a family to see Rachel . We stayed only for about 30 minutes . She was still improving . We went to bed , the first time we had gone to bed at a normal time . Then a few short hours later , around 3 in the morning , someone was banging on our door . Rick got up , and it was a nurse who was going off her shift . She said that the hospital had been trying to call us , that our baby had taken a sudden turn for the worse and that we needed to get there right away . Again , we woke our neighbors asking them to watch Cynthia as we hurried to the hospital . I couldn 't believe what was happening . I kept saying to Rick , " Why didn 't our phone ring ? " He admitted to me that he had turned off our ringer so that we could rest . Family and friends had been calling almost non - stop when they heard about Rachel . He had forgotten to turn it back on before we went to bed . He later admitted to me , way down the road that he had also turned off the ringer , because he was afraid that the police would try to call him and ask him questions . He wasn 't ready to answer the questions . The guilt of what he had done was eating at him intensely . We got to the hospital , and they said that Rachel had probably stroked and that the crisis was over , but that she wasn 't responding at all now . The swelling in her head was getting bigger . The doctors were still deciding what to do . We stayed a few hours and then went back home . I was in shock again . I went back later in the morning and a nurse was very candid with me . She said she had never seen a baby regain a normal life after this type of accident happened . I asked what she meant . Back then , shaken baby syndrome didn 't really have a name . The nurse said that most likely Rachel would die , she just didn 't know when . Rick came in at the end part of this discussion . Then a different nurse called in a psychiatrist to talk with us . A very well meaning Dr . Altamarino had a lot of compassion for Rick and put him on Ativan . It knocked him out . He had to sleep it off in the nurses lounge for almost 6 hours . He woke up , saw that things hadn 't changed with Rachel , and asked for another dose of Ativan . The physician okayed it , he took it , and again was asleep for a very long time . In fact , I left him there , because we still had another little girl dependent on us . When I came back to the hospital late in the evening , Rick had woken up . He was still in a stupor and demanded another dose of Ativan . I told the doctor no more . Rick got really angry at me and said he needed this to help deal with what was happening . I told him that sleeping through it all wasn 't going to help anything and that I needed a husband to help me through this and to quit trying to run from what he had done . He never took another dose of Ativan after that . Dr . Clayton said the would play it day - by - day . Finally after Rachel was in the hospital for 5 days , the medical team decided that they would run some final tests on Rachel 's brain . If she continued to be unresponsive in any way , they needed to consider turning off her ventilator and let her go . It was the worse news I have ever received in my life . I walked home so angry and bitter towards my Heavenly Father . I mean I was ANGRY . I went home , luckily Cynthia was with a lady in our ward who had a daughter her age . There was no one home . The anger took over in such a violent way . I trashed my house . I tipped over furniture , I swore , I yelled at Heavenly Father , I screamed , I cried and cried . How could he take away my daughter like this ? And then the memories of when I was first pregnant with her came rushing back . I was being punished for wishing I would miscarry . I was certain of it . The anger continued . And then after about 45 minutes of carrying on this horrible tantrum , I changed my tactics . I prayed and prayed to Heavenly Father . I told Him how sorry I was for my behavior . I made a deal with him . Please save my baby and I would raise her up to be the best person . I would always take her to church and make sure she was a " perfect " girl . It was weird how the perfect word came up again . I pleaded and I begged for her life to be made right . I went back to the hospital feeling much hope and thought that everything would change , that people would be seeing a miracle because of my prayer . When I arrived at the hospital I was informed that the next day the medical team would perform one last series of tests . If Rachel remained unresponsive , then the machines would all be turned off . I knew that she would prove these people all wrong , I still had faith that this ugly nightmare would turn into a miracle story . Our bishop came . What a wonderful man he was . He was young , only 30 years old . He was so compassionate . He came with his 1st counselor , and they administered a blessing to Rachel . Our Bishop said she would become a mother in Israel and that she would soon be free from this pain . I took the blessing as to mean that she would escape from this unscathed and that things would be alright . It wasn 't until almost 10 years later while reflecting on this whole incident that I realized that our Bishop was actually giving a blessing of release . We went home ready to face whatever was going to happen the next day . We came early in the morning . It was April 11th , my grandma 's birthday . Rachel 's tests were done . It took the team about an hour . I was later told that they were being very thorough because they wanted to make certain there was no brain activity whatsoever . Rachel had no reaction at all . The doctor over the ICU said that they were going to turn off the machines , and as soon as she quit breathing , they would let us back in to be with her . I didn 't know at that time that I could insist on staying in with her or I would have . By that time , my parents had come from Idaho . It only took about 15 minutes . A respiratory therapist came out and looked me in the eyes with tears in his eyes . He put his hand on my shoulder in a comforting way , shook his head , and moved on . I have never forgotten this kind gesture . He is still a respiratory therapist in the Utah Valley Hospital to this day , and I still see him from time to time . I don 't know if he 's ever recognized me . He is old and gray now but still a very kind man . Rick and I walked into the room . Our little daughter lay lifeless in her bassinet . My parents came in and sat down in chairs that were provided for us . A nurse handed her over to me and I couldn 't cry at that time . I just looked at her face . I couldn 't believe this had happened , that she was actually gone . She didn 't feel the same to me . I handed her to my husband . As he took her , he started to sob . This was the first time I really saw any true emotion from him since this had all started . A social worker was in the room with us and she looked at me and said , " How do you feel ? " How do I feel ? ? ? ? ? I looked at her like , what kind of question is this ? My dad shook his head like he couldn 't believe she would say this . I said , " How do you think I feel ? Why would you ask such an obtuse question ? You need to leave ! " She said she couldn 't , that she wasn 't allowed to since Rachel 's death was now going to be turned into an investigation . It all seemed surreal . I didn 't even think about the consequences this would bring to Rick and our family . But I pushed that all aside . I had my mother hold Rachel for a few minutes . She gave her back to me and said she couldn 't bear to hold her anymore , knowing she was dead . So I held her again for several minutes and then put her back in the bassinet . I took one last look at my perfect girl . Then Dr . Clayton came in . He was so good to us all . He talked with us about what would happen next . He said since Rachel died under traumatic circumstances that she would be taken to a morgue and an autopsy would have to be performed . This just devastated me even more . I couldn 't bear the thought of her being cut up . But he was kind and gentle , explained again why , and then he handed me a book . It was called " Angel Children . " He said that unfortunately in his line of work that not everything was happy and good , and that if he had patients die , he liked to hand this book out to the parents . He said it was about a woman who had her baby son die and her experience with finding out what had become of him after he died . I thanked him for the gift . We all went home stunned and in so much grief . I hung onto my Cynthia who almost 2 now at this time , I didn 't want to let her go . I cried and cried and cried . People from our ward came over to give their condolences . Meals were brought over . Our bishop came over , and we planned a small funeral . The mortuary called a couple days later and said that Rachel 's body had been released to them . They asked us to come pick out her casket and bring clothes in for her to be buried in . They told me that I could dress her . This was all new to me of course . I told my family what they told me . My mother took me shopping , and we bought a white blanket to wrap her in and some new shoes and socks . The director at the mortuary also suggested we get a rattle or small toy to put in her coffin . He said it " looked " better if the baby was holding on to something . A lot of this is now a blur to me , I only remember bits and pieces . But what I do remember is going in and choosing her casket . That part wasn 't hard . They only had 2 to choose from for infants . Then they took me in a room , and there she was laying on a table with a white onesie on . Rachel was actually blessed late in her life . Most babies are blessed when they are newborns , or just a few weeks old . We had one thing after another happen while she was alive , and she was 6 months old before she was finally blessed . I found it strange that she died only 3 weeks after she was blessed . But because of her being blessed so late , her blessing dress still fit her , so we dressed her in her white blessing dress . There is a woman in my home ward who was a fabulous sewer . Her name was LaRue Phillips . She made Rachel 's blessing dress . It was beautiful and white and fluffy and silky . It had pearls and bows sewn on . It was the perfect dress to bury her in . As we dressed her , I was saddened to see staples all over her body from where they had cut open her abdomen to examine her . She had a huge incision across the back of her head that was also stapled . It made my mother cry . I was too numb to cry , but I cry now whenever I think of her perfect body scarred like that . We got her dressed and ready . The next day was her funeral . It was just my family , my husband 's family , a few friends that I worked with , my visiting teachers , and our home teachers . The service was short . I had decided to have Rachel buried in my hometown where I had been raised . We had a small community cemetery there in Terreton . My dad had purchased a lot for Rachel . The next day after the funeral , we drove to Terreton and had a viewing at the chapel in Terreton . Most of my friends in high school came , our neighbors , and people from our ward and community came . My high school basketball coach came in and just hugged me so tight and cried with me . It was so hard to go through that . Then we went to the cemetery and buried her there . I left that day feeling like I would never get through the pain of losing my Rachel . But as I watched her little casket being lifted into the ground , it came to me so suddenly . I kept hearing Dr . Clayton tell me how perfect Rachel was when she was born , and I realized why she was so perfect then . It was because she was a perfect being . My little girl was perfect . She wouldn 't have to go through this earthly life at this time . She was a valiant spirit who didn 't need to be tested . Now this knowledge didn 't take away my hurt , but it gave me a great sense of peace . I also knew that Rachel loved me and her father , and I could almost feel her sorrow for her father for what he was about to face . But I also knew she was at peace and that she had other work to do . At times throughout my other daughter Cynthia 's life while growing up , I would watch her play alone whenever I would take her to a playground . I would always get a lump in my throat and felt bad that Cynthia had no companion , no sibling to go through life . I would feel cheated and felt she was cheated . It was hard not to feel angry again . But I knew that Rachel was watching over her sister , and I knew in my heart that one day there would be a glorious reunion when my two girls would be together again . I knew , at this point , it was up to us to be faithful and valiant as well , so that we could earn our glory to be with her , our perfect daughter and sister . The next few months were hard times . Because Rachel had died , my husband was charged with involuntary manslaughter . Cynthia was taken from our home . This was even more difficult to bear . I had just lost my baby and the state took my other child away . They did allow her to stay with Aunt Lareine who lived with her family in Salt Lake City . They had a daughter just a year older than Cynthia , so Cynthia at least wasn 't in a foster home . She was gone for 3 months before the courts determined that she would be safe with us . Rick went through 3 trials before they decided what to do with him . They decided to keep him under psychiatric observation for 3 months . Normally this took place at the state mental institution , but that facility was going through a major rehaul and several of their buildings were down , so Rick was taken to the state juvenile center at Point of the Mountain . Cynthia and I were allowed to visit him weekly which we did . Our bishop sometimes came with us to visit him as well . He was such a faithful bishop to us . He made sure I was taken care of with food and rent . I truly learned the blessing of fast offerings and determined I would be generous with mine when we were back on our feet . After 3 months of the psychiatric observation , Rick went back to court . It was determined that no more observation was needed , that he would serve 2 years or parole and that he could come home . That was such good news to me . However , I didn 't think what would happen next . The church held a church court . Rick was disfellowshipped . Because of this , BYU said he couldn 't attend school there until the church court reconvened in a year . Rick was devastated . School was again to be put on hold . Then we were delivered another blow . Because we had no insurance when Rachel was in the hospital , we applied for Medicaid . Her hospital bill was over $ 12 , 000 for the 6 days she was in the hospital . The state decided that we needed to pay restitution , and we were given 2 years to pay back the $ 12 , 000 bill . I know now days , $ 12 , 000 is cheap for a hospital stay , but in the late 80 's it seemed like a fortune . The state wouldn 't rely on us paying on our own , so they garnished 3 / 4 of Rick 's wages until the bill was paid in full . Rick never complained about this part . He later told me that he decided , in a small way , it was his duty to pay this , to pay the debt for taking Rachel 's life . That made our lives very hard , but interestingly enough , we got through it without fighting , without hurting one another . A year went by , and we continued to go to church . I felt like I was starting to feel like having another baby . Rick didn 't want to while we were paying back the restitution , and I honored his wish . After the first year went by , Rick went back to the church court . He was reinstated with his Melchizedek priesthood . He was eligible to reapply to BYU again . As glad as he was to be fellowshipped again into the church , for some reason he never forgave BYU and decided not to go back there to finish his engineering degree . He had an associate degree in business and math and went to work for Orem City . We thought that life was starting to finally get back to normal . We tried again to have a baby . I had friends who were so stalwart through our ordeal that they helped me get through each day . One of these friends , whose name is Linda , asked me one day , " How are you getting through this ? You always seem happy and positive . " I told her for the most part I felt I had been blessed with a positive attitude towards life . I told her I really had no choice but to get through life . I said , " I have another child who needs me , I have to keep going . " I did confide that sometimes the darkness and despair seemed to engulf me at times , mostly at night when I would think about what happened to Rachel , or when I was alone . But I would close my eyes and picture her and ask for peace and it would come . Not once was I left alone spiritually through this . I felt Rachel through the Holy Ghost . Sadly , 3 years after Rachel died , my husband went through a deep depression . Even though he had a fairly good paying job and on the outside seeming to go have pulled through , his experience of court trials , both state and church , and going through having a record now started to make him unravel . He withdrew completely . I was still quite young and didn 't understand this . I felt like we were ok , we had survived an awful experience . But Rick didn 't recover , and I realized I really had no idea what he went through . He would never talk about it . I couldn 't deal with this person he became . I decided I wanted a divorce . He didn 't even fight me on it . A week later , he said he found a job in Boise . He packed up his things , moved to Boise , and then brought back our car . And that was it . We worked out an agreement of when he could see Cynthia , I assured him as long as he had someone reliable to watch her that I would never fight him on his visitation rights . We worked out a child support payment . I had a few friends who wanted me to sue him for more money to hurt him . But strangely , even though I felt like I didn 't love him anymore , I had great compassion for him and didn 't want to make our sad ending worse . I continued to feel great strength inside and realized later that this was the Holy Ghost with me . I knew that Rick had gone through a fire I couldn 't imagine , that the burden he would carry the rest of his life , knowing he had been the cause of an infant 's death , would stay with him forever . To this day , I don 't know if he has come to terms with that . How do you come to terms with that ? He eventually left the church , and in his bitterness that seemed to grow , he took our oldest daughter with him in that direction . To this day , I pray for both of them to come back . My daughter loves her father fiercely and I hope that someday , someone will touch their hearts . But as much sorrow I feel for the loss of them and of Rachel , I still know that everything will be okay . I see my oldest daughter weekly when I go to work in Provo . We eat lunch and discuss life . She still doesn 't want to have anything to do with the church but she still is involved with my family , and they make her feel very loved . I asked her one time if she ever felt anger towards me for divorcing her father . She said she was always sad as a kid but when she started to live on her own and later married that she realized more of what we went through , and she understood how and why things ended with us . She also mentioned that I seemed to be at peace with what had happened and that gave her hope . I truly hope she finds her testimony someday and that her sister Rachel will be a guiding force in her life . I 'm so thankful for a loving Father in Heaven who loves me . There are times I really feel alone , and then there are times that I can feel Him overwhelmingly . I 'm grateful for a forgiving spirit . To this day I hold no animosity towards Rick . I still grieve from time to time , but I 'm not angry at him . And I feel that feeling of compassion comes from our Savior . What a grand example He is to us . What a completely amazing person He is to me . He saved me , there is no doubt . I could have given up so many times , but I didn 't , and I know it 's because I leaned on Him . Sometimes I look back and can 't believe I got through that ordeal without being so very bitter . I am blessed to be a Latter - Day Saint and am so grateful for the knowledge that I will see my daughter again . That alone gives me peace . I know it , and I believe it . Words cannot describe the depth of darkness I 've experienced in these last 7 days . On the outside I have functioned and accomplished some things , and I 've even attempted to smile through it , but on the inside I have felt devoid of all emotions besides overwhelming sadness . Even when I 'm not crying , my heart is weeping and begging me to find someone to make it feel better , to take away the pain , and to give me relief . 7 days of this , and it feels like an eternity , like I don 't remember what it 's like to experience light . This week , I 've had to search to find joy harder than ever before by making a very conscious effort to notice and appreciate all the little things that bring me joy . I 've found joy in getting a nap , seeing my daughter 's silly expressions , spending time with my family , making some wonderful new friends , and spending time with my already wonderful friends . Truly , I am very blessed . Some days I have found the greatest joy in knowing that I held on through another very difficult day and that I didn 't give in to the beckoning call to give up , something I have promised I will NEVER give in to . Mostly the things that brought me joy this week were small things , but yesterday there was a big one , one that I 'll never forget ! I was at the adult session of stake conference in the evening , and I was listening to the messages being shared . My heart was empty , completely unable to feel anything , and it hurt . It physically stung . I desperately wanted to feel the comforting , calming influence of the Spirit , but I didn 't ; I couldn 't . I knew I was worthy to feel it , that I hadn 't done anything wrong , but the darkness surrounding me wouldn 't let anything in , especially not the still , small , and delicate voice of the Spirit . I continued listening to the speakers while feeling this deep yearning in my heart . The more the speakers went on , the more my heart felt broken and devastated . I would have given anything in that moment to feel something good . I felt trapped in my emotions and wanted any way out . The next speaker to get up was the mission president 's wife , a beautiful , humble , sweet , and pure woman . As soon as she got up and opened her mouth to speak , the darkness lifted , and I felt ( I actually felt ! ) the soothing balm of the Spirit on my wounded heart . Along with it came a great feeling of love and approval from God . I don 't remember what she said ( I shouldn 't admit that , but it 's true ) , but I remember basking in the warmth of the feelings in my heart , feelings I hadn 't felt in a very long time . It was almost as if the Spirit could not be restrained from touching every heart , including mine , by the purity in this woman 's testimony . Her message was short , and as soon as she sat down , the darkness fell upon me again , but for that one moment , my hope was restored . I got to feel the Spirit and know what it was like to see light again . I pictured it being like a crack in the wall of my dark tunnel , enough of a crack to let a little light in . It didn 't last long , but it touched me in a way to give me strength and confidence to continue battling darkness and sorrow . It was just enough light to help me move forward untPosted by This scripture has been on my mind CONSTANTLY this week . I guess you could say it 's because this week has been a pretty intense trial of faith . Things have been really hard , and I 've felt completely submerged in darkness . But the darkness has seemed darker and more painful because of the light I experienced first . Last Sunday and half of the day Monday , I felt great ! So great that I created a very full schedule for myself , actually contacted people for visiting teaching , exercised , wrote love notes to Kyle , etc . The best part of it all was the fact that I felt love for Kyle and Brooklyn . I always know that I love them , but I very rarely get to feel it with all of this darkness . I was so happy to feel some motivation and light in my life . It was a comforting reminder that the real me isn 't this person who battles darkness . The real me is someone who loves life , loves her family , and wants to live a good life . I can be the kind of wife and mom I want to be . That woman is still in there . The good feelings should have been a breath of fresh air . . . But then the darkness came back with a fiery vengeance . And instead of being thankful for having a good day and a half , I felt intense pain . I questioned why all of this darkness exists in my life , why I can 't just overcome it , and why every day seems to be a battle to want to keep going . It didn 't seem fair as I desperately yearned to feel love for my family again and to be my normal self . And then I found this scripture . You could say that it popped into my mind , and I felt drawn to look it up . I realized that this week is a trial of faith . I have to have faith in the love I have for my husband and daughter , even when I can 't see or feel it . I have to hope that this will get better and that there is a reason to keep fighting , even though I don 't know how it will all work out . I have to have the firm faith that joy is possible regardless of my circumstances , even when I struggle feeling anything beyond sadness . I must have faith that God is pleased with me , even though I can 't feel the Spirit and my heart feels nothing but guilt and shame . And I have to rely on the faith that my husband and daughter really do love me , even though my mind tries to tell me that they deserve better than what I offer . Someday , I will receive the witness of all of these things . Someday , I 'll get to feel love again , and it will fill the empty places in my heart that feel nothing in the present . Someday , I will overcome this excruciating war , and I will see the most brilliant light I can comprehend . Someday , I 'll feel all things good and uplifting and joyful . And for now , I can be content with having faith in my somedays . 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I awoke early , but it took me a little while to get out of bed . I managed to do one or two things , then attempted to go back to sleep . It didn 't work . I didn 't want to do anything . My heart hurt . It was because of Carl . I still hadn 't heard from him . My texts were not even going through . I kept getting the " failed to send " message every time I tried . I had made plans to meet some friends for a walk in the woods and a picnic . It was less than a mile over flat ground , so I wouldn 't exactly call it a hike . I just could not pull myself out of my funk . And even stranger still , I didn 't want to talk about it . To be fair , they are used to me being upset over guys or just being depressed in general . They inquired , but didn 't really seem interested in my answer . So I didn 't speak much and they didn 't press the issue . They made plans to go out for ice cream afterwards . I told them that I 'd pass and drove home . I tried to nap . I tried very hard to get tired , but I just couldn 't . I begged God , the Universe , whoever to let me sleep , to give me insights as I slept , and to allow me to awake in less emotional pain . Well , I did sleep . I felt like I was given wisdom as I slept , but forgot it when I awoke . I awoke with the same amount of emotional pain . Here 's the weird thing . Even though I 'm feeling all of this pain over Carl , I still have some sort of odd faith in him . Like I know we 're going to be together eventually and that this pain is only temporary . It didn 't help the pain for today , however . I forced myself to get up , to cook food for the next few days . It was very difficult . In between cooking , I chatted with Steve , who I was looking forward to seeing on Tuesday . I told him about my issues . I told him about the possibility of hooking up with Kyle . I told him that I felt like Carl was the one and how it almost felt like cheating on him , even though Carl himself said he 's not ready for anything with me . I felt like an asshole anyway and it hasn 't even happened yet . Steve offered himself if I was looking for any action of that sort . I inwardly groaned . Did all of my single male friends secretly want to sleep with me ! ? I knew that I wanted to be with Carl and only Carl . I knew that Carl wasn 't ready . Hooking up with other guys was a sort of a panacea , a band - aid to cover the hole in my heart . I knew that Carl wouldn 't be hooking up with anyone else . So why was I ? To make myself feel better about the fact that he 's not ready to be in a relationship with me ? I didn 't know . And I was actually considering hooking up with Steve too . What was wrong with me ? I probably wouldn 't hook up with Steve , but I was seriously thinking about Kyle . I smoked way too many cigarettes and stayed up way too late chatting with Steve and Kyle online . I tried texting Carl again . Message failed to send , again . I decided on a whim to meet some friends in a neighboring state to go hiking with them . I had to leave at 8am . I woke up at 6am , made breakfast , did my strength training , and drank a post - workout shake before leaving . I got there and was happy to see some of my friends that I haven 't seen in a long time . Even better was that they were visibly glad to see me ! I noticed that as I 've been hiking my stamina has been improving , especially on the hills . I was very pleased . We all went out to a pub afterwards . I had a beer and enjoyed talking with everyone . It 's the first time in a long time that I went hiking with some folks that I really enjoyed being with and really seemed to enjoy hanging out with me ! I loved it ! I hadn 't heard from Carl today , but I was in such a good mood , I really didn 't read into it that much . I mean , he 's gone silent for a day before . It 's possible he was busy or whatever . I didn 't let it bother me . I fell asleep not long after I got home and ended up sleeping the whole night through . I decided to break my silence with Carl . I had no additional messages from him over the course of yesterday . I apologized for my silence and told him that I needed some time to think . He said it was okay and that he assumed that was the case . He said he liked me but didn 't have the time to treat me like I deserve . I told him that I understood . I told him that if his feelings for me are similar to the ones that I was experiencing , that they were unlike anything I 've felt towards anyone else and took me a while to sort them out . He agreed . It was good to know he was feeling what I was , even though he hadn 't figured it out enough to know what he wanted . I told him that since he wasn 't ready to be exclusive , that I wouldn 't be exclusive with him . I told him that I had hoped that we could continue enjoying spending time together and he assented . It seemed that he didn 't quite understand , so I restated my non - exclusivity . I told him unless he was ready , I would be seeing other people . I was afraid that would deter him , but it didn 't seem to . He called me beautiful like nothing had happened . I also told him that I 'd leave it up to him when I saw him again , but warned him that my schedule was filling up quickly . I told him about my trip that I had planned for next week . He said it sounded like fun . From something else Carl said , it really made it seem like he was considering an actual relationship with me at some point . He said he was a little afraid of what this could be with us . I asked what he was afraid of . He was afraid of what he is at the beginning of any relationship . That this could be it , happiness , contentment . It was enough to allow me to hope . I went hiking in the morning . It was a two hour long hike . It felt good to get out there for that long . I was especially pleased because it turned out that I had finally gotten in better shape . Hills that I used to struggle with were suddenly easier for me to do . When I got home , I ended up falling asleep . When I awoke , Carl was out of work and was driving to visit his mother . We had some interesting conversations about some of the sexual things we wanted to do . None of his things I was really adverse to trying ( because they were merely things he wanted to try , not necessarily repeat ) . Then he bade me goodnight because his phone was dying and he needed to charge it . I got a few things done around my apartment , but then ended up in another conversation with Kyle . We had cyber sex again . It was more fun this time because Carl knew that I wasn 't going to just be exclusive to him until he was ready . I fell asleep not long afterwards . I awoke very early . Chandra was having an early morning meditation class and she requested that I attend and help out . She had some students who had been taking classes for a while now and they were just moving on to the next phase of meditating , the phase I was on . When I awoke , I decided to stop talking to Carl for a day or two . I thought it would be useful for many reasons . It would give him the time to figure out what he felt . It would give him time to ( hopefully ) miss me . It would give me time to lick my wounds . It would also prevent me from doing various things to manipulate him and the situation , which my pain might make me want to do . I arrived at Chandra 's house early , by her request , about 10 minutes before 6am , when the others were scheduled to arrive . She put on some meditation music and I started to meditate . I heard someone come in , but they just walked in and started to meditate as well . It seemed like the meditation was going on for a long time , but nobody else had arrived . She must have been waiting for others who never showed up . We listened in silence to her class and then she left to prepare a small breakfast for us , which was very kind of her . His name was Shane . He looked to be about my age or a little younger , both of which surprised me . Usually the people who are interested in spirituality classes are women and they 're older . We got to chatting and it turns out that he 's living one of my dreams . I asked him question after question , trying to get the minutiae of how he did certain things . He asked me about this path of spirituality , complained of the vegetarianism , and I confessed to also being a meat - eater ! I really enjoyed chatting with him , but Chandra returned with the food and insisted in keeping the conversation on spiritual matters . Chandra asked a question , but I had the answer on my phone . I had to turn it on and look at it . I found a text from Carl saying he had feelings of more than just friendship for me , but that he didn 't know what they were . To my way of thinking , if they 're more than just friendship , they 're romantic feelings . What he didn 't know was what he wanted to do about them . Or maybe he was having a difficult time quantifying them . My feelings for him felt so different than those I have felt for anyone else . Maybe he was having a similar difficulty . Maybe I was just quicker at figuring it out . I thought about how unfair it was to just go silent on him a day or two . I posted on Facebook that I was going to turn off my phone for a couple of days since I was relying on it too much . I told my Facebook friends that they could still get in touch with me via e - mail or Facebook messenger , which I would still check from time to time . I know Carl 's not on Facebook that much , but I hoped he would check it to see what was going on with me when he didn 't hear from me all day . Me and Shane both told Chandra that we would return next Thursday . I was so surprised at having found some guy I had so much in common with upon such short acquaintance . I told myself that it was stupid . I told myself that I was just reacting to Carl and to wait and see what the next few days would bring . I shouldn 't jump at the first guy I see because I was feeling hurt and unsure . When I got home , I went back to sleep for four hours . I woke up , checked my Facebook ( there wasn 't much to see ) , and went back to sleep . I woke up again around 4 : 30pm . I really needed to figure out why I was sleeping so much . My head felt foggy , but I forced myself to get up and go food shopping , smoking on the way there and back . I was pleased with having done something useful . When I arrived home , I just wanted to go back to sleep again . I decided to try and take some multivitamins and hoped that maybe sleeping so much was just some kind of vitamin deficiency . I took the multivitamin and got into bed . I checked Facebook again and decided to make plans for next week . I decided to go away and visit some of my favorite people who live close to five hours away . Zak and Danielle didn 't offer their house , so I found another friend , Andrea , who offered hers instead . It was the town that I used to attend college in so I had a number of friends that remained there . Steve still lives near there . Kyle lives there too , even though I didn 't really get to know him until after I graduated . I think he 's 6 or 7 years younger than me . But suffice it to say , I was glad to be going among friends . Here I had nobody unless I wanted to drive for an hour . It was alone in a house with two cats and my thoughts of Carl . It seemed like a good idea to me . Surprisingly , I couldn 't sleep and ended up having a ton of energy . I got up , dropped off my laundry , ran a few more errands , put the laundry in the dryer , and came home to wait . I was actually happy . I wondered if my problem with the excess sleeping was a simple vitamin deficiency . I also got to thinking about Carl and how it really sounded like he was scared . He probably wasn 't ready to be in a relationship of any sort . I decided that if he wasn 't ready to be in a relationship that I would wait for him , but I wouldn 't do so idly . I decided that if he wouldn 't commit , why should I ? I could hook up with other guys . It seemed like a viable alternative . Don 't get me wrong , I was much more interested in a stable , loving relationship that I think Carl and I could have together . However , at least I could fool around and have some fun while he made up his mind . And if Carl takes his time about being ready to commit to anything , my random hookups can change to be dates . I know Carl is the one , but that doesn 't mean that he 's ready to be the one yet . I wasn 't too far into this mindset before Kyle propositioned me with the thought of hooking up when I came up to visit . Kyle knew everything that was going on with Chris . He was still hurting over his ex . It seemed perfect . We were both looking to get some and neither of us was likely to fall for the other one and create problems . The distance also made it unlikely that anything would come of it . I was excited . Maybe this could happen when I went to that big hiking event later in this summer . Not necessarily with Kyle , but with someone . I was also hoping that it would help Carl along , to know that there was the possibility of me hooking up with other guys . I would have to wait until I decided to talk to him again to figure it out . I started getting horny thinking about it and then feeling guilty since I had not yet talked to Carl . I had to pick up my laundry before the place closed . When I got home , Kyle was still online and we proceeded to have cyber sex ? I think that 's the term for it . I hoped this wouldn 't make things awkward when I actually see him . I also kind of hoped that I 'd get to hook up with him too . We both fell asleep not long afterwards . I awoke with a message from Carl , " Morning beautiful " . I responded in kind with , " Morning cutie . " It 's funny , I didn 't think he was cute at first , but now I do . His eyes , his smile , the cute noises he makes when I kiss his neck , and the sweet things he says to me . We chatted a little . He sent me kisssy face emojis and I told him I wished they were real . He said he wished the same . We didn 't chat much because he had to work . I drove the 2 . 5 hours it took to get to Rachel 's house . We mostly talked about our current guy situations . We chatted a little about work , but we 're both alike in the fact that we really don 't have much of a social life . Really , I had a difficult time finding anything of interest to talk about with her . But we ate lunch out , we went clothes shopping , we hung out on her back porch smoking cigarettes . Yes , I know I had quit , but I bummed a few from her anyway . I was driving home again when I got a message from Carl . He was told me about his day at work and I told him about my day with Rachel . We had been watching our favorite show together . We 'd start it at the same time and then text each other about what was going on , our theories , etc . We decided we 'd watch the latest episode together when I got home . Hearing some of Rachel 's difficulties made me think that maybe that one inconsistency with Carl was not a big deal . Maybe he just didn 't want to publicize the fact that we were together until we were " Facebook official " . I was enjoying talking to him and was particularly complimentary . I noticed that today , however , he wasn 't returning any of the compliments . I got home , we put on our favorite show , and chatted about it . In the middle of it , Kyle came on and started chatting with me . I went back and forth between Carl and Kyle . Carl and I continued chatting about our favorite theories as to what would happen next . I introduced my favorite romance idea and he negated it . But the subject of romance had been brought up and I decided to tell him how I felt . For a long time Carl had always told me he was willing to wait until I was comfortable , but never went on to say what he was waiting for me to be comfortable with . I had assumed he meant being with him , an eventual relationship . I told him that he no longer had to wait , that I knew what I wanted . I told him that I wanted him . I wanted to be with him and only him . He thanked me for telling him what I felt and appreciated how vulnerable what must have made me feel . I saw that as a bad sign . I requested to know how he felt . It was too late now , so I supposed I better get it over with . He said he had feelings for me , but he didn 't know what kind . I asked if they were feelings of friendship or something more . He never responded . I tried to cry , but got very few tears out . I was still chatting sporadically with Kyle and told him what was going on . I went out and bought a pack of cigarettes and smoked one . When I got home , Kyle said he had to go to sleep and suggested that I do the same . Eventually , I did . I awoke early again . I did , however , fall asleep early , so this was to be expected . I sent Carl a text of apology for the night before . I explained that I just wanted to see him . He eventually texted me back ( he gets up later than I do ) and said he was looking forward to seeing me again too . It made me happy and I fell back asleep for a little while . I awoke and took my cat to the vet . It was an ordeal because he wasn 't happy to go . While I was in the waiting room , I noticed that Carl 's picture that I had tagged him in didn 't show up on his Facebook page . Thinking this was odd , I went on my laptop to check when I got home . It turned out he wasn 't tagged , so I tried to tag him . A notification popped up stating that I couldn 't because he had already removed the tag . Why would he remove the tag ? It was just a picture of him standing in the woods . I picked the best picture of him that I had . Then I looked and noticed that the picture between him and that other woman from Saturday was gone too . What was going on ! ? Was he actually playing me ? Maybe he was seeing multiple people at one time and this was his way of hiding it ? I was hurt . I felt deceived , not just by him , but for whatever had planted the idea in my head that he was " the one " . How stupid could I get ! ? I decided that I would ask him about it when he was on break and able to text again . I didn 't expect to hear any good explanation for it , but I would at least ask . So I asked and waited for an answer . In the meantime , I napped . I have been sleeping a lot lately . I actually was happy this morning when I still wanted to sleep more , so I don 't think it 's depression . I can 't figure out what it is , though ! Anyway , I woke up and I still hadn 't received a response from him . Usually he would have had his lunch break by now . Was he avoiding answering the question ? I decided to meet some people for an evening hike . Carl finally sent me a message as I was driving . It said that he had a long and crazy day and that he didn 't even get a lunch break . That explained his lack of messaging , but he never answered my question . I decided to wait to respond . Maybe he would eventually answer the question . It turns out I only knew two of the people there . I was incredibly socially awkward . I suppose it was just a matter of practicing socialization , but it seemed like everybody took everything I said in the wrong way . I wondered if I somehow got off on the wrong foot or if something in my countenance showed that I was not in the best of humors . During the hike , my friend Rachel messaged me . She was having problems with her guy too . We commiserated and I tried to give her advice . In hindsight , giving her advice considering I have been having problems with Carl myself . We made plans to hang out tomorrow . I think it was good for her because her guy has been just calling her at the last minute and expecting her to be free . I just wanted to get out of town and be sociable with someone , so it worked well for me too ! Rachel recommended that I let go the question of the photo tagging on Facebook for a few days . I decided to take her advice and the urgency regarding the question started to fade from my mind and my heart . I awoke early . It only took me a few hours to get out of bed today , which was impressive compared to yesterday ! I even took a walk after I got up . I did end up procrastinating , so I didn 't get much else done . I need to start making a walk my priority in the mornings , I think . I had a lot of plans for today . My first set of plans were with a hiking acquaintance . I 'm not sure why he asked me out to lunch , but I was hoping it was as friends . It was awkward , but I tried to be as affable as possible . As soon as I saw him , he opened his arms wide . It was an unmistakable invitation for a hug . I 'm not terribly physical with people unless I know them really well , so that already made me uncomfortable . I gave him a half - hearted , one - armed hug . We really didn 't have much in common . Once the topics of trails and work was exhausted , our conversation lacked for substance . When he tried to pay , I insisted on paying for my half . I had even brought cash specifically for that purpose . When we left , he spread out his arms again . This time my hug was more genuine because I was happy to see him go and have the awkwardness over . I had made plans with my friend Meagan afterwards . It was mostly as a fail - safe . If this guy thought he was on a date , Megan told me to just tell him I had plans with her at whatever time I wanted to leave . We , of course , had plans to hang out afterwards at some indeterminate time . As soon as the lunch was over , I gave hear a call . Megan is in her late 60s , early 70s . She is retired and very active in environmentalism . She has short gray hair and a slim build . We walked around the town a bit , got smoothies at a local coffee shop , and sat down for awhile in a scenic spot to admire it . She regales me with tales of some of the more interesting protests she had taken part in , stories of her two marriages , and told me about her three kids . I told her about Carl and she said she was very happy for me . I took a few pictures of her and she scenery . On a whim , I took a selfie as well . I didn 't really even look at it . I also heard back from Carl . He did have some spare time after work , so I took him to a nearby spot that only locals knew about . I used to be local there , which is how I knew about it . As soon as he got in my car , I held his hand , which he placed on my leg . As we walked on the trail , he held my hand again . He really was starting to behave like my boyfriend and I loved it ! We arrived at our destination , a waterfall . I should have known that on a hot day like today that there would be other people there . In fact , we were the only ones there not wearing swimsuits . We waded . We chatted and joked . We found excuses for touching each other until he drew me in and kissed him . I 'm not typically one who shows displays of affection in public . The way I saw it , was that nobody wanted to see that . But when he kissed me , I didn 't care . I felt a little like we were being stared at ( we probably weren 't ) , but it didn 't matter . I just wanted to keep kissing him . We probably looked a bit silly . I think we were the oldest people there , with our pants rolled up , wading into the water and just standing there , arms around each other , kissing . We spent a good portion of the rest of our time at the waterfalls kissing . I felt a little self - conscious just because I had never kissed anyone like that in front of other people before . But I really couldn 't help it . Once he kissed me , I just wanted to keep kissing him back . I took some photos of the waterfalls and the trail . I took a few of Carl and asked if I could post it on Facebook ( it 's a standard question I ask everyone who I take pictures of ) . He agreed , stating that he never went on Facebook , so it didn 't really matter . We held hands , put our arms around each other , and occasionally stopped to kiss each other on our way back to my car . He started to joke around with me a lot . I tend to take myself pretty seriously and tried to adopt a playful air as much as I could . It was fun until he introduced the fact that the way to get me to do something was to tell me not to do it or that I couldn 't do it . How contrary was my nature ! ? He proved it by saying something like that and I immediately wanted to to it ! It surprised me , because I did not realize this about my nature . Also , I found myself reacting to his teasing in very odd ways . Sometimes I wanted to playfully shove him , sometimes I gave it back to him , sometimes it struck a chord that I couldn 't define . I had dated guys before who were too meek and just did whatever I wanted them to . They got boring . I had dated guys who were very aggressive and almost never did what I wanted them to . They oddly lasted longer . But here was a guy who seemed to be a good mix of both . In addition , I found myself regaining some of my nature that I had lost . I remembered being random and silly and sometimes enjoying childish pursuits when me and my ex - husband had gotten together . I had forgotten that about myself . He helped me to remember . I drove him back to his car , feeling very confident about his feelings for me . I felt confident that we would be together for a long time to come . I wondered if maybe he already thought of myself as his girlfriend . When I got home , I posted the pictures to Facebook , making sure to tag him and Megain . I asked him when we would hang out again . He didn 't know . He would be gone the whole weekend helping his mom out with something . I was disappointed and asked him if we could hang out after his work on another day this week . He wasn 't sure . I was disappointed and warned him that I was going camping the weekend after . I invited him to come with me , but he though he already had promised his sister that he would take his niece to the zoo on one of those days . He was so unhelpful , I told him that I would leave it up to him when we would hang out again . I was very tired and fell asleep after his brief response of assent . I awoke early and realized that I needed to ignore my fears . My emotion for Carl is already there , so even if I were to pull away now , I would still get hurt . I might as well throw myself into it whole heartedly . Either way , I would get hurt , but at least throwing myself into it , trying and trusting him . I will , at least , be able to give it a chance . And that 's what I resolved to do . I fell back asleep soon afterwards . I spent a good portion of the day in a daze or sleeping , interspersed with some reading , chatting , or checking out Facebook . Finally , around 4 : 00pm , I managed to drag myself out of bed . I attempted to do what I could to make my apartment look decent . Carl had to come later today and I expected him around 8 : 00 . I got almost everything done , I had no energy to do any more , and I started to feel anxious , so I started to play my guitar . It helped with the anxiousness and I played for the next 40 minutes . I was hoping he 'd arrive in the middle of my playing and be impressed . Instead , I finished playing through the music book and was looking for another book when he came to the door . Carl looked different again . He had cut his hair to a shorter , and , in my opinion , a less flattering cut . His face looked younger , though , and he was wearing contacts . How is it that he looks so different every time that I see him ? I was surprised to see him , disappointed that he didn 't come in and marvel at my playing , and I felt a little embarrassed and shy . We sat down on the couch and started to talk . He put his arm around me and immediately there was that feeling of belonging again . It was soothing and calming like coming home after a long journey . We talked , looking into each others ' eyes . I think this was the first opportunity we had to do so where he wasn 't wearing his glasses and I wasn 't wearing sunglasses . I still liked to look at his eyes and there was a pleasure knowing he was enjoying doing the same with me . He kissed me a few times . Each time it was more and more difficult to stop kissing him . I have tried to explain his kisses in the past and failed miserably . Every kiss made me want it to lead to another , despite the emotions were calm and cool . It 's not that there weren 't emotions , it 's just that they seemed to be relaxed , as if they would have forever to feel this way and that they weren 't in any hurry . Again , that doesn 't make much sense . We made our way to the bedroom again . I had made sure to leave a lamp on so there would be lighting , albeit dim . We kissed for a long time . Eventually , our clothes started to come off and I actually got to look at his body . Objectively , it wasn 't a perfect body , but then again neither was mine . It had a scar from his gall bladder being removed . He had body hair . He didn 't have a six - pack . But I didn 't care because it was his . One of the best things things about him in bed is that his enjoyment is obvious . There is nothing so sexy as a guy who so clearly enjoys things , at least , in my opinion I was a little nervous having sex with him , but it didn 't stop me from orgasming the first time we did it . In fact , we both orgasmed at the same time . I had guys who eventually managed to get the timing down for that , but this was the first time we really had sex . It was rare enough for me to orgasm the first time I was with a guy ( I honestly can 't recall if it 's happened before ) , but I have never managed to do it at the same time as guy the first time we had sex . We cuddled for a while longer . I knew he had to leave , but I enjoyed the feel of him too much ! Eventually , he did leave , among kisses and a promise that he would text me when he got home . I awoke early , but kept going back to sleep . I had offered to help out at a school fundraiser today . I got out of bed at the last possible minute and drove down there . I was tired , but somehow had no problems smiling at my students when I ran into them . When I got home , I climbed back into bed and slept more . I woke up groggy and in a bad brain fog . I talked with Kyle and he was in the same boat . We both made an agreement that in 10 minutes we would both be out of bed , dressed , and outside to do some kind of workout . He went running and I started my walk . Slowly , but surely , I felt the brain fog dissipate . If I had gone for a shorter walk , it probably wouldn 't have been as beneficial . When I got home , I worked on strengthening my core . I took a break and looked on Facebook . I knew Carl had gone to a carnival with his father and sister for father 's day . I saw some pictures posted . I had known his sister a little in school and remembered her as being a bitch . Among the pictures , there was one with him posed with another woman . And she was closer to him in that picture than his sister was to him in another one . I felt jealous . I felt disappointed . I felt uneasy about whatever it was I had with Carl . I mean , we never stated that we were exclusive . But he treated me like a girlfriend online . He was always asking how I was , calling me beautiful , and just being sweet , in general . I didn 't think I had cause to question it until now . I knew his schedule was busy , but what if it was just because he was seeing other women too ? I decided to be rational about it . I asked who he had gone to the carnival with . He responded that he went with his father and sister and that they ran into a bunch of friends while they were there . Dammit . I was going to have to go there . I told him I saw the pics on Facebook and told him the one had made me feel a little jealous . That still didn 't procure the desired reassurance . He was simply flattered that I 'd be jealous . I finally told him I had hoped for some reassurance , so he mentioned that she was just a friend of his and his sisters . This made me think . Since we clearly aren 't exclusive , how do I find out if he wants to be exclusive with me ? I tried a few times to ask what he wanted from me and his response was always " To spend time with you . " I tried asking for specifics and that was all he replied . I think he feels the same way , but I 'm afraid of asking him and looking foolish . Or even worse , to have him tell me that he doesn 't feel that way about me . Suddenly all of my fears with him returned tenfold . What if he really was an asshole ? What if he hurts me ? What if he fucks me up worse than my ex - husband did ? I laid down with these thoughts still bouncing around in my mind . Eventually , I went to sleep . I awoke so late and with so little motivation that it was surprising that I managed to get to work on time . I did . I spent a lot of the day tying up loose ends and completing the checklist that was given to all of the teachers to complete by the end of the school year . I got everything done by noon . Then I worked on my book . It really is nearing completion finally . All I have left to do is one final read - through before I send it to Steve . He knows about this project and has offered to read the manuscript . He also has told me what the next steps are to getting it published as well . There came a point where I needed a break . I stopped to chat with the music teacher and ended up telling her about Carl . She suggested that I go for it . She said that there is no better love than the unshakable love of someone who has cared for you for almost 20 years now . I didn 't stop to argue that he had been with other women and that I wasn 't sure how unshakeable his love was . But she did tell me that it was the best love in the world . Then I played her the recording of him singing . She was so impressed that she said she could fall in love with that voice . She seemed so enthusiastic for him and for our happiness together that it really led me to hope again . I really did hope there was something in all of this . Then she asked to see his picture . Another teacher was around and she looked too . The other teacher looked , was silent , and walked away . The music teacher said , " He 's not bad , " and changed the subject . " He 's not bad ! ? " I know he 's not what people think of as good - looking . But that doesn 't matter to me . His goodness , his sweetness , his ability to cheer me up , to make me laugh , his singing , and sometimes to give me a hard time was all overlooked by a comment of " He 's not bad . " I then realized that of course that 's all they had to judge by . But I didn 't . I didn 't care if they didn 't think he was good - looking . His soul was far more beautiful than any mere looks could make him . I contented myself with that thought . After work , I had plans to meet some friends for a small party in the woods . We were going to have a bonfire , s ' mores , hot dogs , that kind of thing . I also realized that they lived near where Carl works . I decided to leave early in hopes I could meet Carl for dinner . I texted him just as I left . I was more than halfway there before I got a response . He couldn 't . He had to go home and make food . His sister was visiting and they were going to be doing something for his father for father 's day on Saturday . I was disappointed , so I showed up to the party early . Christine was the only one there and she had only just arrived . I helped her carry things out to our spot . I wandered off , chose a rock to sit on , and meditated while she got the fire ready . It took a while to calm the inner dialogue , but it finally did calm down . I stayed and meditated longer . Our group was all there by the time I decided to stop and join them . I felt calmer , more peaceful . And then I realized for the first time in over a month , the pang of longing in my heart was gone . And it felt empty , like I was missing something . I thought about it . Did I still care for Carl ? Yes . I certainly did . I couldn 't explain it , but I was happy to not have emotions of that power welling up inside me when there was nothing I could do about them . It is very difficult to feel so much and be able to do so little . I got home rather late . Instead of going to bed , I decided to play my guitar for a while , in anticipation of accompanying Carl 's voice on Sunday . I sent him a message saying I expected him to be asleep and wished him to have a good night . I was surprised to see a message from him an hour later . He was at the movies . Cooking had only taken two hours . I asked myself why he couldn 't have met me for dinner then ? I was too tired at that point to really do the question any justice with analyzations . I went to bed .