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I normally do not read erotic romances . I think it has to do with when I was in my teens and I read my mom 's romance novels . I always felt like the stories were the same and there wasn 't really anything different in each book . I decided to try an erotic romance again now that I see there are more people writing them and it isn 't just one or two companies doing it . I decided to read The Boss by Abigail Barnette because I love Jenny Trout and Abigail Barnette is her other name that she writes under . I met her at The Novel Experience Event in Las Vegas , NV in 2015 and decided to pick up her book and check it out . It was well worth it . The Boss is a BDSM book about Sophie Scaife . She works at a magazine company and just found out that a man she had a one night stand with is now her new boss . Sophie is still attracted to her boss , but she has to worry about being with him or advancing her career . She has to decide to let him dominate her and risk losing her job or advancing her career , but never full unlocking her sexual desires . This book was awesome . I am so glad I decided to read it finally . I am now going to be getting the rest of the books in this 5 part series . The sex wasn 't too extreme for me . I don 't like books that get extremely graphic and it sounds like I am reading porn . The emotions in the books made me feel like I was right there . I felt like this could have been a real relationship between two people . Sophie 's boss , Neil , made me fall in love with him . He felt like someone that was real and knew what he wanted . He wasn 't a jerk or overly dominating . My favorite part of this book has to be in the middle of it . I don 't want to give anything away , but there was some sex and then a surprise after the sex . I felt embarrassed for all the people involved in the scene . I could feel myself turning red as I read it because I knew how the people in the scene felt . Abigail wrote the scene that well . I finished this book in one day . I haven 't done that since the last Harry Potter book came out . I just couldn 't put it down . I wanted to know what was going to happen . Between the sex scenes in the book to everything that was happening at Sophie 's job I just kept reading . This book wasn 't just erotic romance , but a story about making choices and following not only your heart , but your head as well . If there was anything that I didn 't like about the book is I would have loved more about the issues Sophie was having at work . I would have loved more interaction with that . I would also love more story about her roommate , Hollie . Her roommate is just amazing and I think the author could write a whole series of books just based on her and her life . The ending being a cliffhanger didn 't bother me because it left me with something to think about . It left me wondering what would happen next and didn 't leave me thinking it was a copout ending . It truly was an ending that was going to need another book to tell what happened . I liked that . This is a series that I am going to read more than once . I can already tell . I love the characters and the story theme . The book didn 't feel like another cookie cutter erotic romance . This is a book that I want to know more about the characters . I can 't wait to read more . I received the book The Outliers by Kimberly McCreight for free as an advanced copy when I went to the RT Booklovers Convention in Las Vegas . Reading the back of the book at the convention I thought that the book sounded like something that I would like and would have me hooked from the beginning . The back of the book read : Wylie hasn 't heard from Cassie in over a week , not since their last fight . But that doesn 't matter . Cassie 's in trouble , so Wylie decides to do what she has done so many times before : save her best friend from herself . This time it 's different , though . Instead of telling Wylie where she is , Cassie sends cryptic clues . And instead of having Wylie come by herself , Jasper shows up saying Cassie sent him to help . Trusting the guy who sent Cassie off the rails doesn 't feel right , but Wylie has no choice : she has to ignore her gut instinct and go with him . But figuring out where Cassie is goes from difficult to dangerous , fast . As Wylie and Jasper head farther and farther north into the dense woods of Maine , Wylie struggles to control her growing sense that something is really wrong . What isn 't Cassie telling them ? And could finding her be only the beginning ? - This is supposed to be the first book in a new series . I was really excited to read this book because I thought it was going to be this great rescue book and it would have all these twists and turns . I was completely wrong . The main character Wylie is supposed to suffer from agoraphobia since her mother died in a car accident . Yet she is able to just take some breaths and be able to leave the house like she never had it . Even throughout the book she seems to have overcome her agoraphobia quickly . It is almost like she never had it . My oldest daughter suffered from agoraphobia for over a year . I saw what it took to get her to get out of the house just to go to the doctor so Wylie being able to do what she was doing so quickly really got on my nerves with this book . It almost seemed like it was a great idea and then the author changed her mind about it . I figured out what was going on rather quickly in this book . I thought some of the stuff that should have been surprises was kind of lame . I just really didn 't feel that this book was going anywhere . The ending of the book to me seemed like a cheap shot . It really was what I thought it would be . It took me a month to read this book . I kept putting it down and not really wanting to read it . I finished it because I hoped it would get better and I was wrong about what was going on , but it didn 't and I wasn 't . I didn 't connect to any of the characters . I didn 't care what happened to them throughout the whole book . Even with a shock that comes to one of the characters I didn 't care . I don 't think I will read any more books in this series . I just don 't care enough about the characters or what happens to them to invest in this series . This is my very first book review . I thought it was time to actually sit down and write out a review for some of the books that I have read , specially the books that I received for free . My first book review is not a book I received for free , but I wanted to put it out there for people to read and possible check it out . Please bear with me as I make my way through my first review . Their One Night is an erotic romantic book novella by first time author - Zoey Hart . The story is about an older woman , Allie , who has to decide if she will have one night with her best friend , Jani 's , younger brother , Cris , who she has had a crush on for 10 years . Allie has done her best in the past 10 years to keep her feelings about Cris a secret from everyone , including Jani . When Cris comes home from college and offers a chance at one night between the two of them Allie has to decide between her attraction to Cris and the feelings of her best friend . I really enjoyed this book . I loved the main character Allie . I liked that there was a struggle in her head about what she should do . Zoey really let you see inside Allie 's head what she had to balance between the two choices . I think Zoey did a great job in describing the locations , what was going on , and what everyone was wearing and feeling throughout the story . I felt I could picture what was going on while reading the story . Her use of very specific words , the shape of the pool for example , helps to show the reader what is going on instead of generic words such as round or square . Zoey described feelings throughout her story in great detail as well . By putting the reader in Allie 's head there was a better understanding of what was going on as well as made the reader feel like she was there with Allie . If there was anything that I didn 't like about this story it had to be how short it was . I could have used more of her struggle to make her choice , more flirting , more sex , etc . The book was awesome in the small novella that it is , but I really wanted more of everything . I could see this story going into a full novel and being explored more . I would recommend this book to anyone that likes a quick read with a great story . This book is for adult only . I would not recommend this book to a young adult or a child as the sex in the book is graphic . For Amazon ranking I would give this 5 stars as it really is worth the buy and the read . Lack of Sleep Dreams Posted on April 2 , 2015 by lvjellyfish So my doctor told me I have Fibromyalgia . I am pretty sure that I also have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome as well because of the Fibro . I am always tired . No matter what I do I am never full rested . I either get to much sleep , on the weekends , or not enough sleep , during the week . I am at a no win win with sleep right now . Today the fatigue is hitting me hard . Several times I have almost fallen asleep at my desk . This is not a good thing because I really don 't want to lose my job . My lunch is at 10am today so I figured I would try and hold out till 10 and then go take a 20 - 30 min nap in my car . I would have tried coffee at first , but the machine is broke and I don 't think I should drive with how tired I am today . So out to my car I go . I have a Scooby Doo blanket that I use to cover the windshield so not only does no one see me , but the light won 't come into the car as much . I set the alarm on my phone for 10 : 30 am , grab another blanket that I have in the car , and rollover on my side to get a nap . I am pretty sure I was out in less than 2 mins . This is where the craziness comes in . I had the scariest , weirdest dream . I was in my car sleeping when my cell - phone rings and it is my husband . I try and open my eyes to talk to him , but I just can 't get them to stay open . I tell him that I think I may need to go home from work because I am just so tired and I can 't seem to stay awake . He tells me that I should try and sleep more before I leave for the day . I shouldn 't drive if I can 't keep my eyes open . I agree with him and try to go back to sleep . Suddenly I am sitting up in my car and I am trying to drive home , but I am still in the parking lot of work and I am backing up into another spot . I hit 2 parked cars before I pass out again over the steering wheel this time . I try and try again to wake up , but my eye lids won 't stay open . I wake up again to myself trying to drive home . This time I end up driving back into the same parking spot I was in earlier . I hit 2 more cars along the way . I pass back out but I can hear security talking to the people around me that I hit cars . I try to find my cell phone to call my husband , but I pass out again . I wake up to my Project Director tapping on my forehead . She asks me what I think I am doing sleeping in my car . She asks me if I know anything about the wrecked cars in the parking lot . I look out and see a bright red mustang without the front end of it . I shake my head again and try to find my husband 's cell phone number in phone , but phone updated while I was sleeping and I can 't figure out how to find his number . The project director looks at me again and shakes her head . She leans in really close to me and tells me that she never liked me . She tells me I am a thief because I get online while I am on the clock and steal from the company 's web times . She then taps me on the head again with her long , pointy finger and walks away . I pass out again from lack of sleep . I wake up to security tapping on my window . He asks me if I am okay and if I know anything about the cars parked in the lot with damage . I start to try and call my husband again , but the alarm on my phone wakes mDreams are a crazy thing . I feel a little better after my nap . I went to the store and get a coffee along with a Rockstar . Hopefully I will be good to drive home . Hopefully . Facing It - A Not So Great Short Story ( Per my English Teacher ) Posted on March 23 , 2015 by lvjellyfish Katie is standing in a meadow with her boyfriend Mark . The meadow is surrounded by a forest of trees and the sun is shining down on all the purple and yellow flowers in the meadow . Mark takes Katie 's hand and starts to pull her slowly to the middle of the meadow . The sun hits his jet black hair giving it a blue tint and his eyes seem to be even more emerald green in the light . He gives her hand a squeeze and Katie smiles at him . Suddenly Katie notices that Mark is sparkling like a thousand or more diamonds were covering his body . She shields her eyes for a second to adjust to the light and then smiles at Mark in amazement . He pulls her to the middle of the meadow , drops her hand and removes his shirt . The sunlight hits his chest and Katie can only see the sparkling light from his chest . She takes a step closer to Mark and his mouth opens . An ear piercing alarm sounds comes out of Mark 's mouth . Katie steps back from him and waves at him to stop . He just continues to screech over and over again . Katie rushes over to him and puts her hand over his mouth , but he just continues to screech getting louder and louder . Katie covers her own ears , but she can 't stop the noise . Suddenly Katie sits straight up in her bed . The sunlight is shining through her bedroom window and her alarm clock is going off next to her . She reaches over and turns off the clock . Throwing herself back onto her bed she lets out a sigh . Katie turns over and reaches out to the space next to her . Feeling nothing , but sheet Katie looks and sees that her boyfriend Mark is not in bed with her . A note is attached to the pillow instead . Pulling the note off the pillow she looks it over . Hey babe I had to leave early . I have a model coming over at 10 to pose for my new master piece . I 'll catch you tonight at dinner . " He just signed it Mark . No ' I love you ' or anything . What the hell is his problem ? " Katie asks as she jumps out of bed . " The only time he does the Mark thing is when he is pissed at me . What did I do this time ? " Katie stumbles over to her laptop and flips the cover open . Typing in Facebook she waits for the page to come up . She checks to see if he left her a message or if anyone else has . Nothing from him , but there was a message from Cathy a friend from high school asking if she was going to be come in for her wedding . She sends her a quick message to say she would be there since it was in the summer and she would be off . She told her she couldn 't wait to see her and signs off . Katie gives her page a once over and notices everything is the same as it was the night before . Sighing she closes the laptop and makes her way to the bathroom . Katie turns on the bathroom light and stares at the cream color walls . She pushes her bleach blonde hair back from her face . She can already tell that today is not going to be a good day if Mark is in a mood . He seems to be in a mood a lot in the past couple of weeks . Katie feels like she couldn 't do anything right with him . She knows he has been working a lot because he is getting ready for his gallery opening , but his moodiness is really starting to get to her . Katie turns on the water in the shower so it can warm up . She flips on the CD player on the back of the toilet and the Go All the Way [ Into the Twilight } by Perry Farrell starts to play . She climbs into the shower and screams when the hot water hits her . She adjusts the water and she starts to wash her hair , sings along with music . As I Caught Myself by Paramore starts to play Katie finishes up her shower . Sing at the top of her lungs the very last line of the song Katie gets out of the shower and wraps a towel around her . Her cell phone rings and Katie screams . " Hey Katie , its Trudy , " the person on the line says . " Could you stop and pick up some Dunkin Donuts on the way to work ? I had to run out the door this morning before George tried to tickle me and I didn 't grab my breakfast . " " No problem . I will see you in 45 , " Katie says and hangs up the phone . She dials Mark 's cell phone number , but it goes straight to voicemail . She leaves him a quick message telling him she loves him and hangs up . Running to the closest Katie grabs her favorite black and pink pinstripe suit . Being 5 " 2 and 115 pounds it is the only suit that makes Katie feel like she is taller than she is . Plus it shows of her large chest without making her look like she is trying to show off her large chest . Working at a private school this was something she had to worry about on a daily bases . Katie rushes to the bathroom to finish her hair and makeup . She takes a good long look at herself when she is done and can see the frown lines . She takes a deep breath . " Just because Mark is being a jerk today doesn 't mean you have to let it ruin your day , " Katie says into the mirror trying to give herself her morning pep talk . " You love him and he loves you . Once his gallery starts taking off and his band starts getting gigs things will be better . Have to stay positive for work . Don 't want to give Principal Finchburger a reason to fire you . " Katie gives herself the once over one more time and makes her way towards the front door . She grabs her keys , purse and walks out the door . The sunlight hits her and she fumbles for her sunglasses . She rushes down the steps and to her car . Opening the door to her Pacific Green clear coat Metallic Ford Aspire , Katie is hit by a gust of heat and can tell that summer is on its way . She slips off the jacket to her suit and lays it across the back of the passenger seat . She slowly pulls the fairy window shield out and folds it . Laying it behind her seat Katie climbs inside . " Why does the radio station always have to play the same songs over and over again ? " Katie asks as she flips the visor down and grabs her Katy Perry One of the Boys cd down . Sliding the cd into the player she smiles when Waking Up In Vegas starts to play . " Thank goodness for cd players and shuffle . " Katie backs the car out of the parking lot and makes her way to work . The traffic isn 't as bad as Katie thought it would be . She stops at Dunkin Donuts and gets Trudy 's order along with two coffees ( three sugars no cream ) , and a bear claw for herself . With traffic being light Katie arrives at work fifteen minutes early . With a smile on her face she walks into the administrative office of Upperwood Private K thru 12 School . Trudy comes rushing up to Katie before she can even set her stuff down on her desk . She grabs the bags of donuts from Katie and throws herself into the chair next to Katie 's desk and groans . Katie hands her one of the coffees and sits down behind her desk . She pushes the button to turn on the computer and then turns to Trudy . " We are barely talking anymore , " Katie says with a sigh . " He is stressed with the art gallery opening and his band trying so hard to get a record deal . I 'm stressed with getting my bachelor degree for secondary education English so I can teach here at the school . I think both of us will be fine once this stressful time is over . " " You both love one another , " Trudy says as she gets up to leave . She walks over to Katie and gives her a quick hug . " I am sure it is just the stress . Hang in there . I am here if you need me . Right now I better head to class before I get in trouble for being late . " Katie gives her a little grin and turns back to her computer . Her mailbox is showing she already has 184 emails . Katie lets out a small growl and starts answering the emails . Most are from parents asking about graduation . She really wishes the students would learn to take their information packets home to their parents . It would make her life so much easier . Katie spends all morning answering emails and phone calls . At noon she looks up not realizing that the whole morning has passed her by . She stretches and decides it is time to order lunch . She knows that Trudy will be walking in at any minute and want to know what she is going to have for lunch . Right on cue the front door opens and Trudy walks in . " I was thinking Jason 's Deli . I was thinking of getting the Grilled Portabella Wrap and a small side salad . What about you ? " Katie asks as she pulls the menu out . " That sounds awesome . Order me the Nutty Mixed - Up salad . I 'm trying to lose 15 pounds , " Trudy says as she plays with Katie 's pencils . " From where ? ! " Katie asks with a laugh . She turns to the computer and puts in their order . She then logs into her Facebook for her 15 minute break . She notices there still aren 't any messages from Mark . She checks her profile and her mouth drops open . " What ? " Trudy jumps up from her chair and looks over Katie 's shoulder . They both stare at the screen . " Maybe someone hacked into Mark 's account . Go check out his page . " " It had to have happen after I left for work , " Katie says as her eyes water up . " I checked this morning . Look at the comments . His brothers all say they are happy he finally dumped the dumb blonde . I thought they liked me . Tracey and Cherry asks when he is ready to mingle and his band all says that it was time to ditch the zero . How could he do this ? I know we had some problems , but I thought it had to do with him opening the gallery and the band trying to get a record deal . " Trudy hands Katie a tissue and gives her a hug . " Don 't listen to them Katie . You are not dumb . You are about to get your degree and you are not a zero . His band is full of zeros . " Katie blows her nose and closes down Facebook . " I can 't believe I have been dumped thru Facebook . At least he could have broken up with me to my face . Now what do I do ? " Trudy shakes her head . " Maybe someone hacked into his account . I had that happen to my friend Laura . Someone hacked into her account and changed her status to say she was divorced from her husband Tim . She had a hard time explaining that to her husband . " " Yeah right here , " Trudy says as she hands the driver the money and takes the bag . The driver looks over his tip , smiles and heads out the door . Trudy sets the bag on the desk and sits down next to Katie . She takes Katie 's hands into hers and gives them a squeeze . " Why don 't you eat some lunch and think about what you are going to do about this Mark thing . " Katie nodded her head and pulls her wrap towards her . She slowly takes a bite and tries to swallow her tears and the wrap at the same time . A tear slides from her eye and slowly makes it way down her cheek . She grabs a tissue and blots her eyes . " I don 't get it , " Katie says shaking her head . " I thought we were heading towards a future together . I know we have only been together a year , but it has been a great year . Well except for the past two weeks . " " Don 't jump to conclusions . Talk to him and make sure it isn 't a Facebook thing . It is the internet you know , " Trudy says as she stands up and throws away her trash . " I have to head back to class . The lunch hour is almost over and my kids will be heading back in . I have my free hour at 2 today . I 'll be back to talk to you then . Hang in there . I love you girl , " Trudy gives Katie a kiss on the top of her head and walks out . Katie throws the rest of her wrap in the trash and runs to the bathroom to throw up . She washes her face with cold water and stares at her reflection in the mirror . When she is sure that Ms . Finchburger won 't notice she has been crying she returns to her desk . Trying not to log back into Facebook Katie opens her weekly memo report and tries to work on it , but after several minutes she finds herself staring at the same sentence over and over again . She saves the file and closes it out . Wiping her eyes the new email message boxes pops up on her screen and she clicks on it . Oh my gosh Katie I just saw your Facebook . Are you ok ? When did you and Mark break up ? I can 't believe some of the stuff that his stupid friends and brothers left on there . Do you need anything ? Donna Subject : Re : Personal I am ok Donna . I didn 't know we were broke up till about an hour ago . He just changed his Facebook to say he was single . I saw what his friends and brothers said . I don 't think Mark knows that I know yet . I don 't know what to do . I talked to Trudy . She thinks that maybe is account was hacked into . What do you think ? WHAT ? ! ? ! Trudy thinks he was hacked into . I doubt it . I bet he did it himself . He changed his status on Facebook to single and never even said anything to you about not waiting to be together anymore . He 's an asshole . What is this high school ? He used Facebook like a buddy in high school to break up with you . If you were on Facebook an hour ago then you haven 't seen some of the stuff on there now . Cathy saw what was on there and she has been defending you left and right . Jana has been on there too . They are both pretty pissed off . Katie I would confront him . Don 't do it on Facebook though . Do it to his face . When do you see him again ? Donna he never said anything to me about breaking up . I know he has been stressed about his band and the art gallery opening up , but he never said anything about not wanting to be together anymore . I think I missed the signs this time . I mean with Larry I saw it coming , but Mark never pulled away or anything . Well maybe he did and I just didn 't see it . Maybe I was just blind to the whole thing . I can 't believe this is happening . It doesn 't surprise me that Cathy and Jana are on there . They never let anyone pick on me when we were growing up . I am trying to stay off Facebook . I don 't really go on there when I am at work anyway . Just on my two 15 minute breaks . I am supposed to have dinner with Mark tonight . I am torn between going on Facebook and having it out with him or doing it to his face . I 'm worried that I will confront him and be wrong . What if he really was hacked into and I yell at him about it and ruin everything ? I have to be sure about this before I do anything Donna . Katie sweetie I really don 't know what to tell you . I know that you have been complaining about Mark being moody all the time and that for a few days you didn 't even hear from him . Katie it sounds to me like Mark was doing the same thing Larry was doing . He was slowly pulling away from you . Just meet him for dinner tonight and see what he has to say . But don 't let him walk all over you . You can do better than him . I have been telling you that for weeks now . Go see him tonight with your head held high . Don 't let him see you cry . I am here for you . Katie wipes a tear from her eye and sends Donna a quick note back that she will talk to him tonight and thanks for all the support she has given her . She hits send and then sits staring at her computer screen . Principal Finchburger walks out of her office and hands Katie a stack of papers to put into envelopes and mail out to the students . Katie tells her she will get right on it . " Just a minute or two , " Trudy says as she sits down . " Amy saw the status change on Facebook during the lunch hour . Your cousin Jana is pissed . Mark hasn 't said anything on there yet so I stand by my thought that he might have been hacked into . " " Are you ok ? " Amy asks Katie with a concern look on her face . " I told Trudy I don 't agree . I think he did it because he is a coward . I can 't believe he did this to you this way . " " I am ok Amy . I think he is going to be busy all day today Trudy . He has a model today that he is painting . That 's why he left my place so early this morning . I talked to Donna over email and I am going to talk to him at dinner tonight . We are meeting right after I get off so I will know in an hour or so what is really going on . I am just to torn about how to talk to him about it . I mean Trudy could be right and he got hacked into or you and Donna could be right and he dumped me over Facebook . " Trudy and Amy grab a stack of letters and starts helping Katie stuff the envelopes . They finish the letters just as Trudy and Amy 's free hour ends . They both give her a hug and head back to their classes for the last class of the day . Katie stares at her screen and thinks about everything that has happened in the last few weeks . " He has been coming over to my place so late sometimes , but he has the gallery opening , " Katie thought to herself . " He has been working so hard with his band , but he did disappear for a week with no calls or anything . He says he loves me , but I haven 't heard that in over 2 weeks . We have been together a year , but do I really love him and him love me as much as we think we do ? Or I think we do for that matter ? If his computer wasn 't hacked into what do I do then ? I really need to know for sure what to do before I meet with him . " " Yeah back at you babe . I really need to get back to this painting . I will see you in an hour , " Mark says again in a rush . " I knew he still loved me . The whole Facebook thing must have been a glitch in the system , " Katie thought to herself . " Tonight we will have dinner and we will laugh at the whole Facebook mistake in the system . I can 't believe I ever doubt the two of us . " Katie laughs and goes to the bathroom to check her makeup and hair . Almost skipping down the hall . The bell rings for the end of the last class and the end of the day . Katie stands up and starts to put all of her stuff away when the new message box pops on to her screen . She clicks on the open button . Katie I know you are going to talk to Mark tonight at dinner , but I think you should know that there is a chick named Heather that just left a message on Mark 's page telling him that she had an amazing time with him today and everyday for the past two weeks and she can 't wait to be in his arms again . Mark 's been cheating on you Katie . Donna Katie reads Donna 's email twice before she sits down in her chair again . She clicks open her Facebook and clicks on Mark 's page . She reads the message from Heather several times . She clicks on Heather 's name and goes to her Facebook page . Heather 's status says she is in a relationship . Her page shows that she just updated it today . Katie puts her head in her hands and starts to cry . I will take care of all this tonight . Just be ready for my phone call after all is said and done . I am going to need a shot of Jager and a few Screwdrivers . Love ya girl . Katie hits send and shuts down her computer for the night . She grabs her purse and goes into the bathroom again . She washes her face in cold water and reapplies her makeup . She fixes her hair and smoothes down her shirt . When Katie is sure she is ready to go she walks out of the bathroom and heads towards her car . Taking a deep breath she starts the engine and heads to Farfalla 's Cucina Italiana . " You can do this Katie . You can 't let this be like Larry all over again . Larry cheated on you seven times before you finally let him go . Don 't let Mark do this to you . You are better than that . You deserve more , " Katie says to her reflection in the mirror . She grabs her bag , gets out of her car and throws her shoulders back with her head held high . She walks into the front door and sees Mark sitting at their normal table . She walks over and sits across from Mark . The waiter comes up to them before either of them says anything . " What 's gotten into you Katie ? You always order the bruschette chicken salad . Are you feeling ok Katie ? ' Mark asks Katie with worry in his voice . " You aren 't pregnant are you ? " " No I am not pregnant . I always wanted to try it , but I never had the guts to do it . I just wanted to try something different . Don 't you ever want to try something different Mark ? " Katie emphasizes Marks name as she asks him . " Sure , I always like to try new things with my art and music , but this isn 't like you , " Mark says as he shakes his head . " You are a creature of habit . That 's what I always liked about you . " Mark I think you and I need to talk , " Katie starts . " It seems these last few weeks you have been very distant and this morning you were gone before I even woke up . I think there is something going on that you aren 't telling me about . Is there anything you want to get off your chest Mark ? " " What do you mean Katie ? You know I have been busy with the band and my art gallery opening . I told you in the note that I had to leave early this morning because my new model Heather was coming over to pose for me . What has gotten into you ? Did you have a bad day at work or something ? " " No Mark I didn 't have a bad day at work today . I was actually pretty busy all morning , " Katie says as she sets her glass on the table . " Are you sure Mark there isn 't anything you want to tell me ? This is your last shot . " Mark shakes his head no at her . Katie waits for the waiter to walk away before she turns back to Mark . Katie sighs and takes a deep breath . " Well Mark it seems you have nothing to say so let me say it for you , " Katie says with a slight edge to her voice . " I was busy all day until around lunch time . That was when I had enough time to go online and check my Facebook . " Katie sees Mark take a huge swallow and she knows he knows what is coming . " I saw that my status said I was in a relationship , but I was no longer linked to you . So I checked your page . I see that your status now says you are single . " " I can explain that sweetie , " Mark says with a drink of wine . " There was a computer glitch and somehow I got discounted from you . It doesn 't mean anything . " " Really Mark ? If you say it then why didn 't you change it back to being in a relationship with me ? " Katie asks in a harsh whisper . " I only saw it when I took a second to answer an email . I didn 't have time to change it back , " Mark says with annoys . " I 'll fix it later . It isn 't that big of a deal . It 's just a Facebook program problem . " " Oh Mark how stupid do you think I really am ? " Katie asks . " You know what don 't answer that . I might have believed that story if before I left work I hadn 't got an email from my cousin telling me that your model Heather left you a nice message on Facebook . How long have you been sleeping with her Mark ? " Katie stares at Mark in shock . Finally after a minute she finds her voice again . " So you not only dump me over the internet , but you have been cheating on me for a week or two . Mark if you didn 't want to be with me why didn 't you just man up and tell me it was over ? Did you just love dating both of us ? " " It wasn 't like that Katie . It was just a onetime thing with Heather , but then it turned into something more and I was torn between you and her . I didn 't want to hurt either one of you . But this morning after I left you and I was with Heather I realized that you and I are on two different paths of life and Heather and I are on the same path . I didn 't want to hurt you . Really Katie , " Mark says still not looking at Katie . " So you just changed your status on Facebook hoping I would get the hint ? You aren 't a man Mark . You are just a little boy . You are just a little boy playing high school games . Only someone in high school would break up with someone over Facebook . I don 't need a little boy . I need a man . A man would have just told me it was over . He wouldn 't have sat at the table and lied to me about what he did . He would have manned up and told me it was over . You are a boy and I need a man . Don 't bother calling me Mark . I never want to see you again . " Katie stands up and puts her hand out . " I want my key back right now Mark . I will put your stuff in a box outside my front door and you have till Friday to grab it or I donate it to the homeless , " Katie says in a stern voice she was shocked she even had in her . Mark slowly reaches into his pocket and pulls out the gold color key . He places it into Katie 's hand and holds on to her hand for a moment . " I am sorry Katie . I made a huge mistake . I should have just told you the truth . " Katie snatches her hand away from Mark and drops the key into her purse . She turns from Mark without a word and storms out of the restaurant . She drives home as fast as she can without getting a ticket . Relief setting in that she didn 't cry in front of Mark , Katie calls Trudy , Donna , Amy and Jana to come over and help her get rid of all Mark 's stuff . After getting off the phone with each one of them Katie walks over to her computer and logs into Facebook . " This is the last time I am ever humiliated like this , " Katie says as she clicks on account , account settings and deactivate account . As the screen comes up asking her if she wants to deactivate her account she clicks the box that says other and then clicks the " Deactivate My Account " button . As Katie watches the loading bar go across the bottom of her screen deactivate her account she feels a sense of relief . For weeks she had been worried about Mark . Now she was only going to worry about Katie . It felt great . Payback - A Short Story Posted on March 23 , 2015 by lvjellyfish Trudy was annoyed . It was a simple as that . Her husband George was always finding ways to come up and tickle her when she wasn 't ready for it . No matter what she tried to do to catch George before he got her , George always had the upper hand . He would catch her while she was holding a box or tray of food . He would hide in the carport and get her when she got out of the car . George would wait till she was almost sound asleep and then start to tickle her . He would sneak into their bathroom and get her while she was in the shower . This last stunt caused them to have to get a new shower curtain that was clear so that he couldn 't sneak up on her again . Trudy had decided that this week enough was enough . She was going to teach George a lesson about tickling people and maybe he would finally stop his stupid tickling game once and for all . George had extremely ticklish armpits . Trudy wanted to tickle George in his armpits and show him how annoying it really was . Sadly though , none of her plans had been working for her . Something always seemed to be happening to stop Trudy from completing her task . On Monday , she hid in the carport behind her car waiting for him to get home so she could jump out and get him . George was over an hour late getting home from work that day and Trudy fell asleep waiting for him . He heard her snoring and found her hiding spot . He woke her up by tickling her . She screamed when he woke her up and . She couldn 't believe she had fallen asleep and George just wouldn 't stop making fun of her about it . He laughed at her every time he looked at her . On Tuesday , Trudy hid in the closest in the hallway hoping that she would be able to catch him when he grabbed his coat for work in the morning . Unfortunately for Trudy , George didn 't take a coat to work that day . It was the first sunny and warm day of spring . She was almost late to her own job waiting for him in that closest . Trudy felt so stupid for not checking the weather report before getting into the closest . She was glad that George never found out about that moment or she would have never heard the end of it . On Wednesday , Trudy truly thought she had a better chance of getting him . George was going to play golf with some friends from work because he didn 't have any appointments that day . Trudy knew that when George was done with golf he always went home and took a nap . She had decided that she was going to go home at lunch from work and get him while he was taking a nap . When she walked in the door to the house she was surprised by the sound of George throwing up in the bathroom . She found out that George had gotten food poisoning from some bad shrimp . He was in and out of the bathroom for the rest of the day either throwing up or puking . Trudy ended up taking care of him for the rest of the day . Because George had gotten food poisoning on Wednesday , Trudy put off doing anything to him on Thursday . She was still trying to help him get better and she really wasn 't up to trying to trick him . She had spent most of night cleaning up after George and spent all of Thursday doing the same thing . Trudy was just too exhausted on Thursday to attempt to try and tickle him . She spent most of the night trying to think of some way to get George . It was Friday and Judy finally figured it out . She would get George that night and in a way that he would never see it coming . She put her plan into action as soon as George left for work . Trudy didn 't have work today because the school had been closed down for termite spraying . As soon as George left for work Trudy put her plan into action . She cleaned the house from top to bottom . She then ran to the beauty shop and had her hair dyed from blonde to dark red and her nails painted black with white tips . Trudy stopped at the mall and picked up some sexy new lingerie and a pair of black thigh high boots . On her way home Trudy stopped at a specialty store and pick up a few items for the evening and then the grocery store to get George 's favorite dinner , stuffed shells and cheese sauce . Trudy started dinner as soon as she got home . While the shells were in the oven she went down the hall and slipped the lingerie on and then put on a slinky black dress over it . She pulled her new red hair up on the top of her head and tried on her new more daring make up . She gave herself the once over and then headed back downstairs to finish setting up dinner . At 6 : 30 on the dot George walked through the front door . Trudy had dinner on the dining table , candles burning and their song playing on the CD player . George made his way into the dining room and Trudy was standing there . She held two glasses of wine and a smile on her face . " This is more than doing something nice Trudy . You have changed your hair and makeup . I don 't think I have seen that dress before . Trudy are you leaving me ? " George asked with some fear in his voice . " No George I am not leaving you , " Trudy said with a small laugh . " The hair and makeup was just something new I wanted to do . The dress I have had for years and just never wore it . I just wanted to get dressed up for one night for no special reason other than I want to show my husband how much I love him . " George stared at Trudy and then took his seat . Neither of them spoke for a long period of time . Trudy finally finished off the last of her wine and smiled at George . " George tonight I want to try something new and exciting . Are you willing to go along with what I have planned tonight ? " Trudy asked George as she slowly undid the straps of her dress and let it fall to the floor . Standing in front of George all Trudy wore was a black banded elastic strappy bra with matching panties and her thigh high boots . George 's mouth dropped open and he shook his head yes slowly . Trudy walked seductively over to George and kissed his lips . She reached behind her back and pulled out a dog collar . She wrapped it around George 's neck and smiled down at him . " What is this Trudy ? " George asked . His were wide with trying to take everything in . " Are you trying to tell me after 5 years of marriage that you are into S & M ? " Trudy gave George a little giggle . " I told you I wanted to try something new . I have never done this before . I thought maybe you might like to spice up our love life a little . Do you not want to try something new with me anymore ? " Trudy asked with a pout . George jumped up from his seat and knocked it on the floor . " Oh no Trudy , I am ready to try something new . Let 's go . " Trudy locked a dog leash on to the collar and pulled George eagerly to the bedroom . She opened the door and pulled George into their bedroom . She had put black satin sheets on the bed and removed the comforter . Black and red candles were lit all over the room and the smell of cinnamon filled the air . Trudy pulled George to the bed and gave him a small push down on it . George ran his hand over the satin and licked his lips . Trudy walked over to the bedside table and pulled out a small riding whip . " George you need to take off all your clothes , " Trudy said in a stern voice . When George made no move to take off his clothes Trudy snapped the riding whip at her side . " NOW GEORGE ! " " Wow Trudy , I 've never seen you like this . You are really into this , " George said as he pulled off his shirt . " Is there a safety word or something ? " " I don 't think we will go that far George . Let 's just start out a little and go from there , " Trudy said as she watched him undress . He stood before her naked and Trudy smiled at him . " Turn around George . You need a few spankings before we get started . " George smiled and winked at her . He turned around and laid his hands on the bedroom sheets . He stuck his butt out and waited for the first smack of her whip on his bare ass . When Trudy swung she did not try to hit George hard . This was just a set up to the real game . She didn 't want him to stop in the middle before she could really get him . Trudy gave him two smacks and then pushed her boot into his butt so that he fell forward onto his stomach on the bed . " George climb up to the top of the bed and lay down flat on your back , " Trudy said as she went to the bedside table again . George hurried and did as he was told . When he turned over Trudy noticed that George was aroused . She smiled and pulled out four sets of handcuffs . Starting with George 's wrists she locked him to the bed post and then starts on George 's legs . When George was secure Trudy looked down at him and let out a small laugh . She walked again to the bedside table and pulled out a long purple feather . Turning she stepped on to the bed and stood with both legs on either side of George . She looked down at him and then placed one boot square in the middle of his chest . " What ? " George asked as he tried to sit up . " I thought you wanted to try something new . Why are you doing this ? I don 't find this fun anymore , Trudy . " " I haven 't found the past six months to be funny either George , " Trudy said down to George . " I have asked you for the past six months to stop this stupid game , but you won 't . Tonight I will show you what it is like to be tickled over and over again . " George tried to pull his arms free , but he could not move . Trudy looked down and noticed that George was no longer aroused . She smiled and slowly lowered herself onto George 's chest . She moved the feather across his face and down his chest . George flinched and stirred with every move . Trudy shifted a little and moved the feather back and forth across George 's chest . Closer and closer Trudy got to his armpits . She could feel George trembling between her legs . " Please Trudy , don 't do this . You know my armpits are sensitive to the slightest touch , " George pleaded with Trudy . " I will stop the game if you just let me go . " She took a breath and began to run the feather up and down the length of his right armpit . George started to laugh . Trudy moved to the left armpit and started going up and down the length of it . Up and down , back and forth Trudy went over George 's chest . George laughed so hard he could hardly breathe . Trudy did not let up , but continued to tickle him over and over again . After 15 minutes Trudy felt a surprise between her legs . George was becoming aroused by the torture of being tickled . She looked down at him and was completely amazed . George 's eyes grew wide with his arousal . Trudy stopped tickling George and started to slowly get up . " No Trudy , don 't stop , " George said while catching his breath . " This is the most amazing feeling I have ever had in my life . Don 't stop . " Trudy didn 't know what to do . She hadn 't planned on George liking the torture . She had hoped he would beg for forgiveness and would never try to get her with the tickle game again . She had to come up with a new plan . Trudy tilted back and forth on George 's chest while she thought . Suddenly it hit her . " Ok George I will keep tickling you and I will tickle you whenever we decided to play around , but only , " Trudy said with a light in her eye , " if you promise to never play the tickle game on me again . You have to promise . If you play the tickle game on me one time after this night I will never tickle you again . " A Re - Telling … 28 years later Posted on March 23 , 2015 by lvjellyfish They say that everyone is supposed to have fifteen minutes of fame sometime in their life . Most of the time the fame comes from doing something amazing ; such as helping in your community , saving someone 's life , winning an award , staring in a movie , etc . There are times where someone 's fifteen minutes of fame is related to something tragic happening . At the young age of ten I had my fifteen minutes of fame in a tragic way ; I lost my younger brother , Andy . The Christmas lights were still shining bright on our Christmas tree the day after Christmas . The tree sat in the corner of the living room looking lovely with tinsel , ornaments , and pretty colored lights , but it was just a cover up . The tree was hiding a dark secret from my younger brother , Andy , and I . My parents knew the trees secret , but they thought they could keep it until their days off to take care of it . Little did anyone in my house know that that the tree was a ticking time bomb . It was just another day at our little brick house with the huge picture window in the front . My step - dad had already left for work at four am and would be home in just a little over an hour . My mother was watching TV before going into work when her boss called to ask her to come in a little early . On a normal day my brother and I were left home alone for no more than 20 to 30 minutes . With my mom now leaving early my brother and I would be left home alone for a full hour . I wasn 't worried about being left home alone . It was a normal thing while I was growing up . I had been left home alone since my brother was five and I was seven . So when my mom told us she was going into work early I just took it as more time to watch cartoons before step - dad got home from work . I just gave my mom a hug and started to head out to the living room to watch TV . Andy became upset with the news that our mom was leaving early for work . His face became sad and tears rolled down his cheeks from his hazel eyes . He begged my mom not to go in early . Andy wasn 't normally like this , but today he just didn 't want my mom to go into work . He asked her to call out sick and just stay home with us . My mom pushed the black hair back from his face and gave him a kiss . She told him that she had to go to work or we wouldn 't have the money to do all the nice things that we liked to do . My brother hugged her and begged her again not to go , but there was nothing he could do . If there was any chance for overtime our mom took it . Andy came out into the living room and began changing the channels on the TV . We began to fight back and forth because I was watching TV first and he didn 't have any right to change the TV on me . Mom came into the living room to see what the yelling was about . I was told to go into my mom 's room to watch TV and Andy was told to stay in the living room to watch TV . This was what usually happened when my brother and I fought over the TV . My mom kissed us both good - bye and headed off to work . The next hour was the same as always for my brother and me . We would watch TV in two different rooms . We would chase one another around the house . We would fight with one another over stupid stuff . It was just another day . The only difference to this day was that after an hour of being home alone my step - dad still wasn 't home . He was usually home around four or five since he went into work so early . Andy and I really didn 't make a big deal of it because we were scared of our step - dad and the more time he was away the less chance we would be yelled at or spanked for doing something he felt was wrong . Step - dad was a former bull rider that chained smoked and had a short temper . On a view occasions Andy and I had felt the back of his hand for one thing or another . So step - dad not being home on time was not something my brother and I worried about too much . At the almost two hour mark of being home alone the nightmare began . Andy was in the living room watching TV and I was down the hall in my parents ' bedroom watching a VHS when I heard my brother 's scream . I ran to the living room to see Andy standing next to our living room curtains with the bull rider lighter that my step - dad had got for Christmas from a friend was in Andy 's hand and the curtains were a blaze with flames . I watched for only a second or two as the flames went up the curtains , across the roof , and headed towards the Christmas tree . Andy grabbed my hand and pulled me down the hall to our parents ' bedroom just as the Christmas tree exploded . The dryness of the tree branches were perfect for the flames to feed off of . In no time at all the room would be covered in flames . As soon as we entered the room I slammed the door shut and ran into the bathroom to grab a towel and put it across the bottom of the door . All those classes on fire safety came rushing back to me . I knew we had to get out of there . There was no telling when the flames would make it down the hall to the room where we hiding . While I was putting the towel across the bottom of the floor Andy was trying to open the window . The window had one of the old screw locks to keep the window closed . There was a piece that sat on the track of the window and there was a screw that was in the metal piece that kept it from moving . In order to open the window you have to turn the screw until it comes almost out completely from the metal piece and then remove the metal piece from the track . It is a lock that Andy and I have played with several times in our own bedrooms , but never in our parents ' room . Andy tried over and over again to get the screw to move and come out . He gave up after a minute or two and went into the bathroom to try and open the window in there . I ran over to the window to see if I could move the screw , but it wouldn 't budge . Andy and I switched places and both tried the two windows again and again . We were in such a panic that neither one of us realized that there was a telephone sitting on the nightstand under the window . We just ran around the room banging on the windows to get out . After trying the windows for what seemed like forever , but was only minutes , I told Andy we should run across the hall to my room because we knew that the window would open in there . We had climbed in and out of my room several times while playing tag the last few months . Andy shook his head yes and we made our way to the closed bedroom door . Once again the fire safety classes kicked in and I felt the door to make sure it wasn 't hot . I gave Andy a nodded and open the door . The cloud of black thick smoke that came into the room was over powering . In all the fire safety classes I have taken not one time had they told the class about how the smoke wouldn 't come just straight in and above us , but would come in right at our faces . There was no time to get low and crawl to safety . There was just the intake of black smoke filling my lungs and burning my eyes . I ran to the window and banged on it over and over again . Then I remember nothing . I woke up nine hours later with my arms strapped down to the sides of a bed in the UMC emergency ICU . My mom was standing over me with tears in her eyes . There are two small tubes going into my nose giving me oxygen to help with my breathing . A nurse and a doctor were suddenly by my mom and they are looking me over . I started to cry because I couldn 't move my arms because of the straps . The doctor tells me he will have them taken off of me if I promise to not to rip off the cords and wires attached to me . I would later find out when I came in that after cutting my clothes off to see if I had been burned that I ripped off all the wires and tubes that they tried to attach to me until they had to strap my arms down . I asked my mom where Andy was and she pointed across the room to a small boy under a white sheet with more tubes and wires than me . He had the full face oxygen mask on and wasn 't moving . All I could hear was the sound of beeping from the machines and the noise from the oxygen . I take one long look at my brother and pass back out . The next few days in the ICU were horrible . My mom would get in several fights with the nurses over them telling me that they wouldn 't give me anymore shots and then they would wake me up five minutes later to take blood or give me a shot . At one point in time my mother would have a nurse thrown out of the ICU after I woke to see her holding my brother in the air with one leg while she changed his sheets . She hadn 't just lifted him into the air a little , but was holding him up by one leg as if he was a baby . My screams would send my mom into the room and then a yelling match between her and the nurse would follow . A doctor would have to come in separate my mom and the nurse followed by the nurse being escorted out of the ICU . We wouldn 't see that nurse again before our time ended at the hospital . After two days in ICU I was moved to a regular room down the hall from my brother . I wasn 't allowed to look in the mirror before I was given a shower and all the smoke was removed from my hair . I was a towhead until I was 14 years old so I can only imagine what my hair looked like at the age of 10 with smoke in it . My mom said it was green and that before they cleaned me up I looked like a rag doll that had been through a fire . She was the reason I wasn 't allowed to see myself before I was clean . She didn 't want me to remember how I looked at that moment . It was enough that her , my step - dad and my grandparents had seen me that way . My mom worried I would have nightmares about how I looked if I saw myself . I was in a regular room for two days . On the day I was set to go home , December 30th , was the day that they decided to take my brother off of life support . Andy had brain damage and was in a coma . If he ever came out of the coma he would be in a vegetated state for the rest of his life . The doctors didn 't think he would ever wake up from the coma . I learned later that when the firemen found my brother and I Andy had been found in my parents ' bathroom with only smoke to breath . The firemen had to revive him because his heart had already stopped beating when they found him . Even though the firemen brought him back my brother died the day after Christmas in 1987 . My mom knew this and that was why she made the hard choice to remove him from life support . He wasn 't really there anymore anyway . I was wheeled into the ICU one last time to see my brother on December 30th . I cried my eyes out and told him I loved him . I kissed the top of his head and held his hand . At the age of 10 I had a total of two brothers , one that I never met and Andy . On December 30th I lost the only sibling I had ever known or grew up with . He was my best friend and now he was gone . It was one of the worst days of my life . I left the hospital that same day . On the car ride to my cousins ' house I cried the whole way . As we drove on the freeway we passed the house . I could see out the window that the picture window was gone and there only a wooden board covering it . I could see the smoke stains going up the window and into the roof . I closed my eyes from the sight and buried my head into my grandmother 's shoulder . I didn 't ever want to see that horrible sight again . When I arrived at my cousins ' house I found out about my 15 minutes of fame . My brother and I had been in the newspaper and on the news about the fire . Someone passing by the house had seen the fire because the smoke was so intense it had pushed out the huge picture window and nothing but smoke was coming out . The firemen found me sitting in the living room next to the brick entry way into the house . The only thing that saved my life was the huge picture window breaking out . With all the smoke going out the window I was able to get fresh air . If I had never somehow found my way into the living room and had just passed out in my parents ' room I would not be here today .

I was sitting in the living room at my mom 's house . We were talking about how much she is enjoying her retirement . My mom worked as a comptroller for a non - profit organization . My mom speaks both English and Spanish fluently so throughout her life she has been asked to do some translations . My mom was born in Belize , an English - speaking country . ( In fact , when my mom was born she was a British citizen . ) But as a teenager , my mom joined the Adventist church and wanted to go to an Adventist college to study . The closest one to Belize was in Costa Rica . So at 18 my mother , who spoke no Spanish up to that point , moved to Costa Rica for school . My mother told me that her first semester was tough , but she quickly picked up the new language . By the time she graduated , she spoke Spanish fairly well . Then she married a Panamanian and moved to Colón and eventually Panama City . After several years of living in Panama , her Spanish improved even more . She moved to the U . S . Virgin Islands after living in Jamaica and Grand Cayman . She worked mostly in accounting and used her Spanish - speaking skills whenever needed . At first she just translated for visitors in church . Then she started to translate the sermons from Spanish into English while on the pulpit . Then she was asked to translate meetings at work at first from Spanish into English , then from English into Spanish . By the time she moved to Miami , she was well - known for her translating skills . She can translate , rehearsed , as the person is a translating for is speaking . But as head comptroller she didn 't have time to do as much translating as she does now . These days she is retired and is the go - to Spanish - English / English - Spanish translator . Every time I call her she is in the Bahamas , Cayman , Venezuela , Australia , or somewhere else translating meetings or seminars , either from a booth or on stage . She was telling me all about the upcoming translating assignments she had for the next few months . For a retired person , my mom is quite busy . Then she said the most first - world - problems thing I have ever heard . " I travel a lot and I 've accumulated all these frequent flyer miles . But , I never get to use them because every time I fly someone else pays for my flight ! " Being the dutiful daughter that I am , I offered to help . " You can use them on me , mom . I promise to not let anyone pay for my ticket . " … And then she said , " Okay . " I went online to look for a flight back to Japan . I chose a flight and was ready to get the ticket . My mom came by and asked if she had enough miles to get me all the way to Japan . " Mom , you have more than enough miles . You could even send me first class if you wanted to . " … And then she said , " Okay . " So that 's what I did . I got first class tickets from Columbus , Ohio to Fukuoka , Japan . Since this ticket was bought with mileage points I could not get a direct flight . But I didn 't care . It was free and in first class . I had to choose between a Columbus , LAX , Seattle , Fukuoka or a Columbus , LAX , Honolulu , Fukuoka route . I chose Honolulu . Even though I would not be leaving the airport , I thought that Honolulu just sounded like a better place to wait for a flight from . I left Ohio in the evening on Friday . I would spend the night in LA and fly to Hawaii early the next morning . My plan was to either sleep at the international terminal or find a cheap hotel . When I got to LAX I was very hungry . Online , the consensus was that the international terminal was a better place to eat , use the internet , and even to sleep , so I went there . After eating way too much Chinese food , I found some wi - fi and started looking at hotel options . When evaluating the price of accommodations from an airport , one must factor in the cost of the taxi ride to and from the airport . Taxis charge extra when there is an airport involved and this can make the cost of one night 's stay much more expensive . In fact , it might even be cheaper to stay at an expensive hotel that offers a free airport shuttle than a cheap hotel where you have to pay for your own taxi . There were many great hotels with free shuttles to choose from , but when I tried to make reservations online , I would get a message that the room I wanted was just taken . After an hour of this I looked at a clock . It was almost midnight and my flight was for 7 : 30 the next morning . I would have to be back at LAX by 5 : 30 . I gave up on finding a hotel and went to a nice waiting area , found a sofa , and fell asleep . Flying first class was nice . The food was great , the extra space was great . It was nice being one of the first on the plane . But what I really liked about first class was the little things . The flight attendants learn your name and calls you by your name , or nickname if you prefer , for the whole flight . They also make small talk with you . They take the time to explain the menu , " The salmon comes from Alaska and it is served in a white wine sauce … " Something like that . It was not like a servant \ boss relationship type of thing that I had imagined , but more like a friend who is having you over at his or her house . I LOVED it . It didn 't make me feel rich ; it made me feel like a person . It 's not like back in coach you 're treated like cattle . But there a huge difference between having someone say , " Here 's your coffee ma ' am , " and , " Here 's your coffee , Josie . Have you been to Honolulu before ? You mentioned earlier that you love goofy tourist sights ; you should visit … " I landed in Honolulu and the first thing I did was to find the gate for my next flight . Once that was sorted out I headed to a restaurant to spend the rest of my US dollars and eat the last plate of buffalo wings I would have for a long time . I also bought an overpriced drink and give a heavy tip , - ' cause what am I going to do with a 20 dollar bill in Japan ? Just before it was time for my flight , I made my way to the gate and I heard my name being called . I got to the counter and the lady there asked me to see my ticket out of Japan . I didn 't have one . I explained to her that my husband works in Japan and once in the country I would apply for a dependent visa . She said that that might be okay for Japan , but for the airline , they cannot take me to Japan unless I have an outbound ticket . She recommended buying a ticket and then cancelling it later . I thought that was a good idea . But I didn 't have time to buy the ticket and make the flight . " No worries , " she said , " tomorrow 's flight is practically empty . You can have the same seat on that flight . Just come back the same time tomorrow with the outbound ticket . " The lady apologized over and over and explained that it was the airlines policy . She and her co - workers kept going on and on about how well I was taking not getting on the flight . I accepted her apology trying to not look so damn delighted that I was spending a day in Honolulu . I walked over the passenger pickup area and found an inexpensive hotel near the airport that also had a free shuttle . I got to the hotel and asked about an atm . I needed cash . ( Why did I give such a big tip ! ? ) I could pay for hotel and even meals with my credit card , but if I wanted to explore I would need to take the bus and the bus takes only cash . I walked several blocks to a Safeway where I could buy some water and get cash back . It was an hour of walking there and another hour of walking back . That 's when I noticed that normal people in America do not walk anywhere . Walking is just for the crazies . Non - crazy people drive or take the bus or at the very least use a bicycle . After I got back from the store I vowed to never walk in America again . The next day I got up early in the morning and caught the first bus to Waikiki Beach . I walked along the beach and waded in the water . I could have visited Pearl Harbor if I planned everything right , but I decided not to take a chance . I relaxed at the beach a bit before going back to my hotel showering and making it in time for my flight to Japan . The next flight was first class on Hawaiian Airlines to Fukuoka . It was another great flight . The only question is how am I ever going to fly coach again ? After finishing my 3 years of working at 2 high schools in Japan for the Jet Programme , the Japanese government bought me a flight back home . My mom moved from Miami to Columbus , so I headed to Ohio , the Buckeye state . ( I 'm not sure what a buckeye is . I think it 's a type of fruit that is poisonous to Wolverines … ) The first thing I noticed was how big everything was . The roads are wide even though there wasn 't much traffic . ( My flight landed at 20 : 00 on a Saturday evening . ) The median , well … there was a median ! There are very few medians in Japan and when there is it 's either on a toll - pike or you get those dinky little poles that won 't give any protection from someone crossing over to the wrong side of the road . My mom passed a bank on our way home . It had a huge lawn for no reason . It wasn 't a park . No one ever walks on the lawn or even by it . Someone just thought , " Hey , a lawn would be nice here , " and they put a lawn there . They have space like that . I wasn 't in Japan anymore . I didn 't travel much when I was in the US . I mostly spent time with my family and did lots of shopping . I dumped all the clothes I had for the past 3 years in Japan , and bought all new stuff , in my size ! I bought sun block ( it 's cheaper in the states ) , deodorant , my favorite lotions , medicine ( there is no throat antiseptic spray or neosporin in Japan ) , and chocolate bars . We did take a trip to Kentucky to drop off an exchange student to college . She had been living with my family for the past year and got into an American college . This lend to an unexpected visit to the home of some friends of my sister - in - law . They asked if we wanted to ride on their ATVs for a bit . Well , why not ! ? My family ate dinner together while everyone talked about their day . I felt like I was in the Waltons . I made dinner for everyone one night . It was cold noodles with ginger and soy sauce for dipping . They seemed to like it . But , my brother liked it more after he microwaved his for a couple minutes . He likes his food hot and his drinks cold . My brother and his kids played music . I listen and wondered where all this talent came from . The last time I saw most of them they were snot - nose kids who asked a lot of questions and were alway hurting themselves roughhousing . Now they were grown men who drove me around until I got a new American driver 's license . They took me shopping and waited patiently while I tried things on . I remember arguing with these kids about bedtime . Every night 's argument ended with a , " Okay one more story , but then you have to go to bed . " Now even the youngest one , my niece was a person I could talk to about books and other interesting topics and not just about why she should finish her broccoli and brush her teeth . This time we showed up a good 4 hours before sunset . We ate at the restaurant on the beach , then sat in the water until the tide came in . When it was almost sunset we got out of the water and sat on the cement steps leading to the sea . Right before the sunset I noticed that my shoes were a bit sandy . I wanted to rinse them off in the ocean water before I put them on . I stepped on the last step above the water , which was beginning to get flooded . There was a patch of slick moss under my foot and before I realized that I was falling , I was on the ground with one leg under me and the other awkwardly reaching out into the water . I got up and I felt no pain initially . In a few seconds there were streams of blood running down my right leg . I rinsed it off with the salt water so I could see the wound . It was not too bad . I enjoyed the sunset as I bled . So , I 've been living in Japan for almost a year now and that 's a total of almost 2 years of my life spent in Japan . But still I speak very little Japanese . Don 't feel bad Japan , I grew up with 2 Spanish - speaking parents and still have no idea what the heck Speedy Gonzales says . It 's not you , it 's me . I basically learn just what is needed for me to survive . This is why I can order food in Korean , I can say , " Fill - her - up , " in Japanese , and say bad things about your mother in Spanish . But I can 't ask about the weather in any language other than English . Before we went to Matama beach we pitched our tent and Mark sprayed it down with Scotch Guard to make it more water proof . The last time we were camping , the tent leaked so this needed to be done . Before we left the apartment we saw that a typhoon was heading our way . The storm would hit Oita Monday night , so we didn 't cancel our trip . The Scotch Guard would help us if it started to rain a couple of days before the storm . Just to get something straight before I continue . I do not recommend camping during a Typhoon , or even a tropical storm . A tent is not good shelter from anything other than mild rain . We checked the weather forecast before heading out and we knew that we were good for camping until Monday evening . By then we were safely back in our apartment by Monday night . I grew up on the island of St . Croix in the U . S . Virgin Islands . As a kid I loved hurricanes . It usually meant that my parents would let me stay up late to see what was going on . The electricity would sometimes go out , and my mom would bring out her kerosene lantern . We would sit in the living room listening to the radio . I would curl up in a blanket on the sofa next to my mom or dad as the wind whistled outside . The reception on the radio would crackle as the fire in the lantern danced about . I loved the sound of the radio snow over the howling of the wind along with the smell of the burning kerosene . I would go to bed hoping that school would be cancelled the next day . Usually , nothing more than a couple of trees or telephone polls would be knocked down . Most of the time , I and many other kids , would be in school the following morning making up tales of people blown away in the winds . The hurricanes , would either just miss us and only dump rain on us , get down graded to a tropical storm , or turn away from us completely . My first real hurricane was Hugo . Few people on the island were prepared for the disaster Hugo would bring . The morning of September 17 , 1989 I was excited . It was a Sunday . Not only was my piano lessons for that day cancelled because of the hurricane , but so was school the next day . I hated piano lessons ! My family and I went to the crowded grocery store where everyone was buying the hurricane essentials , batteries , water , canned food … I , for one , was thrilled . The air was filled with hurricane anticipation as everyone , excited about the hurricane , talked about what they thought about the storm . The afternoon we and all our neighbors prepared for the hurricane . I remember my parents arguing about some sand we had in the back yard . My parents were fixing up the house , so my father bought some sand with which to make cement . My father said that it wasn 't necessary to cover the sand with tarp . " Would you cover the whole beach with tarp ? " Mom - " No but the beach gets its sand from the ocean . If some sand gets blown away , more will wash up on shore the next day . I 'm telling you , if you don 't cover the sand , it will be gone by tomorrow . " My mother was the only one , who seemed uneasy . Everyone else was looking forward to a little excitement and a day off that Monday . This would be the biggest hurricane the island had seen in over 60 years , so schools and businesses had already announced that they would be closed on Monday . My mom walked around like Cassandra warning people that this hurricane would not be any fun if it did hit St . Croix . She lived through hurricane Hattie when it hit her home town of Belize City , Belize . " We were excited , just like you are now . " My mom made my dad take extra precautions . They parked the cars closer to the house and away from the trees in the backyard . They took in anything that could be taken indoors . The hurricane was supposed to hit late that night , so I was surprised , when at 6 : 00 pm I could see the bushes in the yard in front of ours laying down because of the wind . " Wow , I didn 't know wind could do that ! " My mom dryly replied , " This hurricane hasn 't even started yet . " I wanted to stay up , but my parents made me go to bed around 9 : 00 pm . I 'm not sure how long I was asleep , but sometime that night my father woke me up . " Come , we have to go to the living room . " I was a little groggy , but I got up and followed him . He seemed worried and agitated . As we passed my bathroom , I stopped . " Can I used the bathroom first ? " I asked , only out of respect . I didn 't really think he would say no . He hesitated , looking back down the hall where we had just come . He seemed to be thinking it over . " Make it quick . " I didn 't understand what was going on . I was a kid and I was too sleepy to care . When we got to the living room my mom was sitting on the floor with her flash light . The electricity was out . I started to remember the hurricane . " Are we camping out in the living room ? " This seemed like fun . My dad took my hand and a flash light and led me back down the hallway . My parents ' bedroom door was closed . " One quick look , then we have to go back to the living room . " I could not imagine what could be in their bedroom that would cause them to spend the night in the living room . He opened the door . I could hear the wind outside screaming around the house , but everything looked normal . He closed the door . " What ? I didn 't see anything . " He opened the door again , but this time he turned on the flash light . I followed the spot of light with my eyes . It moved from the floor , onto the bed , then up the wall . There was a gap between where the wall ended and the roof began . The roof was moving up and down . " Wow ! Do you think that could happen in my room ? " My room was across the hall from my parents ' . " It is happening in your room . That 's why we woke you up . " I didn 't believe him . I was asleep in that room not more than 10 minutes ago . If my roof was dancing , I think I would have noticed . He open my bed room door to show me . Sure enough , the roof was bobbing up and down like a play thing of the wind . I felt sick . I sat in the living feeling cold on the inside . The roof of my bed room was being pulled off the house as I slept . I was right under it and I didn 't even know . What if my parent slept as deeply as I did ? We tried to get some sleep . Just when I had calmed down I heard a crash . The chandelier on the living room ceiling came crashing down inches from my mom 's head . I began to think how lucky that was . If she have been hit , there would be no way of getting her to the hospital any time soon . After that I could not sleep . I sat there rocking myself as my parents tried to sleep . My mom kept telling me that everything would be okay . From her tune of voice , I knew that she didn 't believe what she said . My stomach didn 't feel so well . Sometime after that we heard a big woosh sound . My dad went to look at the rooms down the hall . I followed too . My parents let me . I guess they thought that my imagination was too active and I would be less afraid if I saw what was going on , then if I didn 't . We looked into my parents ' bedroom . The roof was gone . The bed , clothes , and other things in the room were spinning around as if being stirred with a giant invisible spoon . " This can 't be good , " I said to myself . We all went back to the living room to wait out the rest of the storm . No one tried to sleep now . I don 't know what was going on in my parents ' heads , but my mind was buzzing . " What is tomorrow going to be like ? My parents will have to sleep in the living room until the roof over their room is fixed . Maybe we 'll have to get a new house . " Sometime after that we heard the woosh sound again . It was the roof over my bedroom . We just sat there . We did not feel the need to look . I knew that all my things were gone . Later the winds died down . My dad went outside the check on the cars . He wanted to walk down the street to see what happened to the neighborhood , but my mom wouldn 't let him . " That was just the first half . Now the wind will come in the other direction . We should really move to the other side of the house , but … " I had never heard of an " eye of a storm " before . I don 't think I was the only one , because later I heard stories of people going out during the eye thinking everything was over , only to be caught outdoors when the second part of the storm began . I don 't know how true any of those stories were . Maybe they thought the eye would last longer than it did and didn 't have enough time to get back indoors . When the storm started again we sat in the living room . No one spoke a word . The winds roared outside mocking us . It moved like a monster trying to rip open our home to get at us . I looked up at the roof on the other side of the room . " Mom , this roof is going to go . " My mom shone her flashlight where the roof and wall met . It looked normal . There wasn 't even a crack on the wall . " I think it will be fine . " Half an hour later , as I was staring at the roof , it just lifted up . It broke apart in the air and disappeared into the dark windy night . It even took the lighting fixtures with it . I don 't remember the sound it made . I just sat there , looking at it go , blown away like paper . The blackness of the night came in my house and it brought rain . I was getting wet . I felt really sick and I really needed to pee . Even though the bathroom was right across the hall , my mom would not let me leave the room . There was an orange tub that she used to bathe me in when I was a baby . She gave it to me and told me to take it to the closet and pee in it . I went to the closet and sat over the basin , but I could not pee . I was just really scared . Houses in the Caribbean don 't have basements . Under our houses , we have cisterns , where we keep the water from the rain that falls on the roof . We use this water to flush the toilets and for showering . I did hear of a family who , after losing their roof and most of their walls , spent this hurricane standing in their half empty cistern . They must have opened some sort of lever to keep the water flowing out the cistern so it would not fill up and drown them all . Mr . Ash was our next door neighbor . I had been over to his house countless times to play with his oldest daughter Kizzy . The family lived on the second floor and Mr . Ash worked on the first floor . He made and improved houses for a living . He had his own business . He designed his house . The first floor of the Ash house was his office . It looked like a smaller version of a hardware store . There were tools , machines , and equipment on this floor of the Ash residence . Kizzy , her sister and brother , me , and all the other kids in the neighborhood were never allowed on the first floor . So of course , we were always trying to get in . The family lived upstairs . There were steps that went from their front garden to the second floor , completely bypassing the ground floor . I don 't even think there was a way to go from the first to second floor without going outside . I didn 't want to go . It wasn 't so much that I was afraid of walking out in the storm . The dangers of that only occurred to me years later . I didn 't want to see the living room without its roof again . In the spare bed room , nothing had changed . It looked like it did before the hurricane . Its roof was still on . Its floor was still dry . Everything in the room was as it should have been . Outside the room was complete disorder . And the storm was just about halfway passed . Later we would find out that the hurricane was moving very slowly . Although the winds were moving at 140 mph the storm itself was moving at about 3 or 4 mph . I remember my dad using his car to show me how fast 3 mph was . " I can run faster than this ! " My parents each held onto one of my forearms . I was given a hat and jacket and was told to cover my face and keep my head down . The wind was so strong , I remember , that it stung my face . It was very hard to walk because the winds made putting my foot on the ground almost impossible . We got over to the Ashs ' house and their gate was latched but unlock , like it usually was . They had 2 big , mean looking dogs , Blackman and Whiteman , that guarded the house , but they were indoors for the storm . We opened the gate and closed it behind us . We got to their downstairs door and started yelling and banging on the door . My mom prayed that they would hear us . We stood out there for a minute or two wondering if we had made a huge mistake . When the door open , I fell in . I sat on the floor in complete shock . I could not stop shaking . I threw up and kept throwing up even though my stomach was empty . I saw Kizzy and her brother and sister . They looked scared too , but they were not in the state I was in . Mrs . Ash , kept bringing me water and asked if I needed anything , but I just wanted to be alone with my vomit bucket . I move to a corner where I fell asleep . The next day I woke up on the floor . My bucket was gone and so were my parents . I sat there thinking , " I 'm homeless . I don 't have a home anymore . Where am I going to sleep tonight ? " Mrs . Ash told me that my parents went to do something for the house . She tried to feed me cereal , but I could not eat . We walked through the house . It did not look familiar . Everything was thrown about and wet . The only glimmer of hope for me was that , among all the soaked and bloated items floating around our house , was the piano . Well , it didn 't float . My mom sat on its bench which sagged a bit and threatened to give out . She stood up and tapped a key . It groaned like a dying cat . " Oh no , not the piano . I wanted to have at least one child learn to play the piano well . " Days later when we loaded up a borrowed truck of our things to be taken to Anguilla , the dumpsite , I happily tossed part of that piano bench in . Did I mention that I hated that piano ? My parents looked at the roof suspiciously . It was a completely intact roof , laying galvanize side down . All it was missing was the rest of its house . " That 's not our roof . " my mom said . I looked at the thing . It was smaller than our house and it was the wrong shape . Besides , we didn 't lose our whole roof , just the bits in the front and the bits in the back . Many of our neighbors roofs were missing but none had a roof like that . Mr . Ash came over , along with other neighbors and they butchered that roof . Parts of it went on our house , Mr . Ash 's house , and other neighbors ' houses to keep the rain out . There was a small tropical storm coming and it rained the entire next day . The tropical storm was Gabrielle , formally hurricane Gabrielle , but by the time she got to us , she was weak and old and only delivered rain . She would have never even stayed in my mind , if my house had a roof . But when she came every Cruzan was listening to the weather forecast on his or her radio like it was the latest gossip . Thankfully , our radios still worked . They were our only connection to the outside world . We had no electricity and the phones were down . The day after Hugo we stay glued to the radio as we tried to clean up what we could . I remember that the governor at the time , Alexander Farrelly who lived on St . Thomas , got on the air and told the world that the US Virgin Islands were all oaky . Those of us on the island of St . Croix were shocked . Apparently , the island of St . Thomas was not hit as severely . But since we , on St . Croix , had no electricity or any means of contact to the outside world , the governor assumed that no news was good news . Later he would have to retract his statement and ask President Bush , not only for aid for St . Croix , but for soldiers to put the island under Marshal Law . There was wild looting , fighting , and all around chaos in the streets for days following Hugo . My parents were a few of the lucky people who were able to collect their insurance money . Many insurance companies went bankrupt . It took people months , some years , to repair all the damage . Some of them had to pay for the repairs all on their own . Within a year , our house was completely fixed . The new roof that was put on , not only had 3 new sunroofs , but was designed to withstand any hurricane . The roof had smaller eaves and was connected to the bottom of the house . The builder told us , " For this roof to go , the walls must go with it ! " As far as I know the house is still there . InternationalATMs are really hard to find ; more so if you aren 't in a big city . Many places in Japan do not use credit cards . Take cashandcallyourbanktoaskwhatATMs or banks in Japan will work with your cash card . You can get a Japan Railway , pass which saves you a lot of money on the trains , but you can only buy it before you get to Japan and you cannot be a resident of Japan . ( I don 't have more information about it because I 've only ever lived in Japan . I 've never been a tourist . ) If you stay on route 10 at Hiji town , you will get on route 213 in Usa . Be careful because the turn is at an odd angle making it a little easy to miss . This is the shorter way . After the 4th tunnel you will be in a little town . You will need to make a left onto a little road that is opposite to a pedestrian tunnel . The first time you go , it will be a little tricky , because you can 't really see the pedestrian tunnel when making the left . But if you reach a 5th tunnel , that is kind of long , turn around and you will be able to clearly see the pedestrian tunnel . They are called the " Smoky Mountains " for a reason . The trees smoke . When you go there , the park rangers can explain it to you in more scientific terms . But , basically the moisture in the tree evaporates a lot . Even on cold days you can see steam , vapor , whatever you want to call it , coming out of the trees , giving the mountains a smoky look . This stop was the beginning of the last trip I took in the US before moving to the UK . I planned to go to school in Manchester , England for a year and wanted to see my brother and sister before I left . My brother came down from Ohio to meet me at Gatlinburg , Tennessee to say his last goodbyes . After this , my mom and I drove to Colonial Williamsburg and then to my sister 's place . We toured Washington D . C . and my car was sold . I left for England from Dulles Airport via Chicago 's O ' Hare Airport . But all those photos are lost . I was excited about living outside the US for the first time in my life . I 'd traveled to other countries before , but never alone . Everyone else in my family had lived abroad . In fact , I 'm the only one who was born in the US . My mother is from Belize . She went to college in Costa Rica and lived there for 2 years . She worked in Guatemala for 2 years . Then she married a Panamanian and lived in Panama for 5 years . That 's where my brother and sister were born . The family moved from Panama to the Cayman Islands and spent 2 . 5 years there before moving to Jamaica . After 3 years in Jamaica everyone moved back to the Cayman Islands for another 2 . 5 years . In 1979 , they moved to St . Croix . One month after that move , I was born . That 's when the family decided to stop moving . The fear started to creep in the day I left for Manchester . My sister was driving me to the airport . We were on the Rock Creek Parkway when it hit me what an insane thing I was doing . In my head I began to think . " I don 't know anyone over there ! What if I get sick ? What if I get hit by a bus and die ? Would I be buried over there in an unmarked grave since there would be no next of kin to identify me ? What do I do when I need money ? " My sister looked over at me and asked me if I was okay . I told her I was feeling a little scared . " What if this is the worst decision I would ever make in my entire life ? " I felt like I was about to cry . I did make friends very quickly . There were a couple ladies on my flight from Chicago who were also attending the University of Manchester . I would end up seeing much of England with them . We hung out for most of that first day . Because of jet lag , my new friends decided to go take naps and left me on my own shortly after I got to the university . I needed to get some water so I walked to a nearby corner store before heading to my dorm to take a nap myself . I picked up a bottle of water and asked the clerk how much it cost . He typed the price into a calculator . Apparently he was used to dealing with the foreign exchange students who spoke very little English . But come on , English is my first language ! … my only language . I could tell that he was speaking English , but I had no idea what he was saying . His words sounded like fast mumbling . " Will all the British sound like this ? " I wondered . " How will I pass my classes if I can 't even understand what the teachers are saying ? " I went up to my dorm room and cried for a good hour . I wanted to go home . I wanted to be back in the US where I can understand people when they speak . Then it hit me that I didn 't know where to go to buy things . In the US if I need a hammer , I 'd go to Home Depot or Lowes . Where do I go here ? If I need medicine I 'd go to CVS or RiteAid . Where do I go here ? If I need an oil change I go to Jiffy Lube . Where do I go here ? ( But really I could just go to Wal - mart and get all those things done . ) Then I cried some more . Then I stopped . Going back was not an option . I had already paid for my return ticket to visit my sister at Christmas and started paying for my tuition . There was no money left for me to turn back now . I washed my face . The thing I needed most was more friends . When you 're in a new country , the one thing you can 't have too much of is a social network . So I went downstairs into the courtyard and socialized . I spent the rest of the day hanging out with Irene from China . She was a great person . I ' mmmmm Sailing A - Way … I had just graduated from college with that bachelors I never put to use . My brother called me one day and told me that I should move to Columbus because there were jobs to be had in his city . I didn 't find one , but I had a great time hanging out with my brother for a couple months . My brother used to have a boat . He loved that boat . He went boating every chance he could get . One weekend he planned a trip for some of his friends and he invited me to come along . When not in use , the boat was kept at a storage place in Licking county , Ohio . The boat had to be pulled by Malcolm 's F250 , a monster of a truck . This boat and truck combination was big and heavy and took a lot of gas to power . That is probably why the truck had two gas tanks . Malcolm showed off his driving skills through the narrow streets of Parkersburg . The boat was wider than the lanes we were driving in . He used some poles with red flags attached , to help him see where the boat ended . I got to see a boat being launched for the very first time . My brother did it almost single - handedly . In case you don 't know what it means to launch a boat , it 's basically putting the boat in the water . The key is to not lose the trailer or submerge your muffler . But that sounds too easy . There are many things that can go wrong during a boat launch . Sometimes , people forget to detach the boat from the trailer or to not detach the trail from the truck , causing the trailer to be launch as well . Trailers don 't float and should never be submerged . Sometimes the boat can get away and set sail without you . We lived on the boat . The boat had 2 main bed rooms , one towards the front and one in the back . You couldn 't stand in these rooms , but they did give privacy . In the middle there was a kitchen , bathroom , and a living room area , which could be used as another bedroom . This is where you could stand ; there and on the top deck . We spent the second day just boating around , going up the river then down , wasting gas and having a great time . Malcolm and I had spent a night on the boat already , just the two of us . This day Malcolm 's friends arrived and would spend the rest of the time with us . There were 6 of us total and there would have been enough room for everyone if some people didn 't snore . Following boating / camping manners we didn 't pick an island with inhabitants , if the island was too small . Most of them were , with boats already docked on them . Then we found one with a small day fishing boat ; the kind with a single lawn - mower type engine at the back and no top . They were obviously not spending the night , so we decided to dock there . We came ashore . It was a group of two brothers and a girl . The guys came over to talk to us . We had a good little conversation going with them . They were from the nearby area and spending the day fishing , though we could tell the girl would have rather been anywhere else . She spent the rest of her time there on their boat , alone ; she did not come over to talk with us at all . They were really planning to go home before sunset , but since we showed up they thought they might stay the night . They kept making a point of the fact that they were from the Ohio side of the river , not the West Virginia side . " No . We 're not hicks ! " This insistence made me feel that they were in fact hicks . I was excited . I had never met a real live hick before ! They were almost drunk and very friendly … a little too friendly . When it was time to make dinner my brother , Malcolm , got some wood to make a fire . The boys wanted to help and brought us the cardboard boxes their beer came in . They also went to get us some more wood . The younger brother wanted me to go with him to a " special " part of the island that had great wood , but I declined . Malcolm started the fire and his friends were ready to get the cooking started but the boys protested . The brothers thought that our fire was too small and set out to get us even more firewood . They came back with a forest of wood and piled it on our fire . That thing whooshed up like something from the pits of hell . There was no way we could cook anything on that . It would singe the hair on our heads and arms if we got too close . The brothers , extremely drunk at this point , kept heaping wood unto our fire . I headed for the boat . The younger one kept making eyes at me and he just gave me the creeps . We all found some excuse to go back to the boat . We were going to wait it out . After all , their boat had no top ; there 's no way the three of them could sleep in that thing . They kept drinking and we could hear them stumbling around on the beach . The girl still sat in the boat . Then they started to yell at us . " Why 'd you all go away ? Don 't you like us ? Aren 't we friendly . We don 't even mind that you 're black … " " You guys don 't like us ' cause we 're white ! That 's it . It 's reverse racism . You 're a bunch of racists ! You think we 're hicks . Is that it ? I 'm no hick ! I 'm from Ohio ! " My brother went out to talk to them . He calmed them down and assured them that their color had nothing to do with us not liking them . In fact , we didn 't not like them . We were actually a bit afraid of them . " Why would you guys be afraid of us ? " The fire was still blazing in the background . The rest of us got off the boat and stood next to Malcolm . My brother explained our fears to them . They were strangers , they were really drunk , there was a huge fire they kept building up , and they seemed to get angry easily . " What ! ? " one of the brothers yelled . " We 're not angry ? Why would we be angry ? … because you 're black and you have a nice boat and I 'm white and I have that ? " He pointed to their little day fishing boat . The girl was slouched over in it . I could tell she was completely over this whole trip and just wanted to go home . The brothers wanted to know what job Malcolm had to afford such a grand boat . " I program computers , " my brother said . " You have a college degree ! ? " one of the boys asked a bit surprised . " And a masters , " Malcolm replied . " I never got to go to college . I had to work since high school , " the younger brother mused . The older brother walked closer to Malcolm and asked him , " Don 't you think your going to college took away the chance of someone else going to college , just because you 're black ? " " Well , when I was in high school I studied very hard . I started college at the age of 15 . I was living in the Caribbean at the time and the college I went to was predominantly black . Later I was recruited to join the master 's program at Ohio State University . But if you didn 't get into some college , it 's not because your spot was given to someone else . Colleges are there to make money . You don 't make money by turning people away because you 're too full . If you didn 't get into a college , it 's because you didn 't meet that college 's standard , either academically or in some other way that makes the college board feel like you will not complete their program . " Since I 'm going to Japan soon and Mark isn 't , we dropped him off in Flint and made our way south . Don 't worry , Mark is coming to Japan . He 'll come shortly after I get there . It 's a long drive from Michigan to Homestead so my mom and I made several stops along the way . Mark found a great website and gave me the link . It 's called RoadsideAmerica . com . There are lot of interesting things to see out there ! Not everything was worth a blog entry . Some of our stop was just entertaining enough to break up the monotony of a 3 day car journey . I will just talk about the more interesting ones here . Our first Mark - less stop was in Columbus , Ohio . I have one more chance to see my brother again and to try to talk him into visiting me in Japan . His second son , Alex , and my mom will be spending Christmas with me . I played a game of soccer with my brother and his boys . It reminded me of the year I lived in Columbus . This was where I learned to play basketball and where I started exercising . This game also reminded me of how out - of - shape I am . I do need to start exercising again . In high school I was far from what anyone would call athletic . I had never ran without cause to . I never lifted weights , unless I was trying to retrieve something . But I was , and still am , very tall . I moved to a new city and a new school . I was going to spend one year with my brother and see what life in the states was like . My mom wanted me in a private christian school . After weeks of searching my brother picked Tree of Life High School for me . One day a man approached me as I was walking in the hall . " You 're new aren 't you . " he said as he sized me up . " If you want to make some new friends and play basketball , come see me . My office is in the gym . " At dinner that night I told my brother about my odd encounter . He rolled over laughing . " They think just because you 're tall you can play basketball . You play basketball ! ? " He fell on the floor holding his sides . The next day at lunch I went to the athletic office at school and signed up to be a Lady Trojan . I was put on the JV team and played my heart out . I never became a fantastic baller , but that was never my goal . I did however , manage to go on and earn a basketball scholarship for college . The next stop was to see the world 's biggest basket . It 's actually a 7 - story office building and headquarters of the Longaberger basket company . When you go inside it looks like you 're outdoors . There is a piano that plays itself and many cozy rooms with examples of how you can use your Longaberger basket . The next day we went to Mayberry . This was my first visit to a fictional town . Well , it 's actually Mount Airy dressed up to look like Mayberry . Mount Airy is where Andy Griffith is from . So to capitalize on his fame , the town recreated Mayberry in it 's downtown area . This is the actual boyhood home of Andy Griffith . There is a statue of Opie and Andy in the town . You can see the shops , stores and other characters in the town , but the most popular one is Barney Fife . He now has a cafe and his likeness is seen all over the town . If we were just driving without unnecessary stops we could have made it home with only one overnight along the way . But how boring is that ? Besides when will I have the opportunity to see the world 's biggest fire hydrant again ? One of our stops was in St . Augustine , America 's oldest city to see a home built from one single redwood log . It was very hot inside since there are no windows . But it comes complete with a kitchen and fridge , a bed room , dining room and sitting area . But where was the bathroom ? A sign near the house said that " business " was done outside … This was amazing . I cannot describe how wonderful this was . I would take this ride several times a year if I lived in Niagara Falls , New York or Niagara Falls , Ontario . All I can say is go and take a ride on the Maid of the Mist ! The Canadian Side When you go , try to be the first to stand in the front of the boat on the top - level . That way you have a clear view of the falls . You will also be able to take pictures without being in anyone 's way or having anyone in your way since there is not enough space for too many people to get a good view . And you will be able to look down on the people on the lower level and watch them get drenched . There was too much water so I had to put my camera away . I stole Mark 's photos for this blog entry . He has a water - proof camera . There isn 't so much water that you will get very wet , but it is not good for a non - water proof camera . This was not my first time at Niagara Falls . My family took many trips here when I was a kid . But I don 't remember much of them . I know that we did go on the Maid of the Mist , because my mom said we did . I also know that we saw the falls from the Canadian side with my sister and brother . I remember that I hit him and he picked me up and put me in a trash can that was raised off the ground on a pole and I couldn 't get down . Technically , you need one of these documents or just a passport to get into Canada , but in actuality the Canadian border control doesn 't always check them . You will need one to re - enter the US . The US border control does a thorough check on each and everyone coming into the country . Since I was a little kid , I knew that one day I would live in the DC area . My sister was the first in my family to move there when she enrolled at Columbia Union College * in Takoma Park , Maryland . Then my brother . I attended CUC about 10 years after that . While my siblings were in college , my parents and I would visit Maryland . I loved Maryland . There was always something great to do in DC . And , Virginia has some wonderful nature trails . So , when it was time for me to go to college I didn 't even have to think about it . I lived in Maryland for about 5 years , with the exception of the time I packed up all my stuff and moved to Walla Walla , Washington . That didn 't last long and I moved back to DC to finish my degrees at CUC . But , since I moved away I had only visited once and that was over 5 years ago . My first evening in Maryland I had dinner with Janel . I first met Janel in Happy Apple Day Care in St . Croix , where I grew up . I don 't actually remember meeting her . I 've just always known her . Unfortunately , I 've lost many of the pictures that were taken of us together . Many of the photos I use of myself as a little kid , actually belong to my brother . My mother doesn 't really keep track of photos . Janel is somewhere in the picture above . You can find me easily since I was the tallest person in the class that year ; even taller than the teacher . Janel and I have not really kept in contact . We used to email each other regularly when I first moved to England . But our lives have both been busy . Janel earned a masters , works hard , and she got married last year . It was great to see her again . But for some reason I forgot to get a picture with her . I don 't know how I managed that since I am the type of person to snap a photo of any and everything ! My Sister , Audrey , her kids , my mom , Mark , and I all went to sight see in DC . This was Mark 's first time in the area . We saw memorials , statues , and museums . Mark was surprise to see how many museums in DC were free . ( almost all of them . ) After leaving DC , I was shocked that most museums in the world charge an entry fee . " Who would pay to see a museum ? " I thought . Well , not Washingtonians . Not only are the museums free , but they are all very fabulous . I spent many a summer afternoon in them when I had no money and wanted some AC . Arlington Our last stop on our tour was at Arlington Cemetery in Arlington , Virginia . This is the place where 2 presidents , John F . Kennedy and William Howard Taft , are buried . The tour we were on gave us lots of information about some of the thousands of people buried at the cemetery , but it was too much too quickly . When you stand in Arlington Cemetery you get an overall feeling of sadness . Most of the people there died while in their early 20 's . There are so many graves ; too many graves . It 's so big , we needed to ride a bus to see it all . I was the one who requested it . I just could not leave DC without having some Ethiopian food . I love the stuff . You eat with your hands . There are no utensils ; just pick up your food with a piece of bread . Sampling your neighbors ' food is encouraged … at least when I 'm around . This is a great place to celebrate 4th of July , the Cherry Blossom Festival , and many other events . One summer they did free outdoor movies . It was great ! The Smithsonian Institute is not one museum . I know people may refer to it as a museum , but it is actually a museum complex . The ones at the national mall are the : Did I ever tell you about DD ? I 've known her for years . We met in the first grade and have been in the same class from then until 10th grade . You know her . Or at least you know some of her work . She used to edit this blog , in her spare time . The last time I saw her was back in … 1996 . I was on spring break from high school and flew back to St . Croix to see my mom . We went kayaking and swimming one day and had a great time . Unfortunately , I can 't find any of the pictures we took back then . She came up to see me for a weekend . It 's funny , but when you have a good friend that you haven 't seen in a long time and then you meet that friend again , it 's like the time and distance melts away . I felt like I had last seen her a few days ago . And she looks great ! Other than her being taller than she was the last time I saw her , she looks the same . Since I had to drive into Miami to pick Demelza up , I thought Mark and I could see some of the sights downtown . We parked by Bayfront Park and walked around . Then we saw the Metromover trolleying around above our heads . We had already paid for 2 hours and had more than an hour left . We hopped on the mover to see where it would take us . The Metro Mover is completely free and there is no driver ; it 's all automated . We got off at the Freedom Tower . There was a torture exhibition there , but I didn 't feel like paying the entry fee . So , we got back on the free mover and returned to our car . Our next stop was South Beach . Unfortunately , we didn 't have time for a swim . It took us 20 minutes just to find parking . We walked along the shore for about 10 minutes then headed back to the car , then to the airport to pick Demelza up . The JET Programme hosted a pre - departure orientation at the Japanese consul 's home . It was actually the orientation for group B which was leaving the next day . I am in Group C , but I am the only one in group C . So rather than having me go solo at group C 's orientation I was invited to the earlier one . It was splendid . I got to meet some of the teachers who would be in my area . One of them would turn out to live in the same building that I will be moving into . I met the Consul General and had a great dinner . There was only one thing wrong . Demelza was in town for only a few days and this orientation took half a day of my time . I was allowed two guests , but they had to be strictly family and significant others only . Mark , my boyfriend could come as my significant other , but Demelza could not . My mother , the stubborn woman she is , would not let me go to the orientation without Demelza . " You can 't just leave her at home after she came all the way here to see you ! " So Demelza came . I wasn 't going to mention anything about who she was to anyone there . I 'd never seen any of these people before and most of them , I would never see again . Everything was going great until a lady , one of the JET 's mom , asked , " How are you two related ? " I stood there just blankly staring at the woman . I 'm not a very good liar . She continued , " I just know you two are related . Are you cousins ? " " We 're half - sisters , " Demelza spoke up . " Yes . Half - sisters , " I repeated with a cordial smile . " Half - sisters , " I said once again to make sure the lady believed me . " I knew it ! " the lady said , " I could see it in the eyes ; yes , the eyes … " She left , no doubt to brag about her astounding ability to spot relatives . Demelza turned to me and whispered , " I practiced that on the ride over here in case someone asked . I hope I was convincing enough . " Mark and I had been using my mom 's mini van to get around . But this day she needed her van . Staying at home all day didn 't seem like any fun , so we opted for public transportation . Our destination ? The Miami Seaquarium ! I was excited . I had never used public transportation in Miami before . Outside the US , I 'm all about buses and subways . In the states , I either have or borrow a car . I looked online and the cheapest option for us was to get a 5USD day pass . We could have gotten an EasyCard , but since it would only be used for one day , the EasyTicket was the better choice . Online there is a list of places where the EasyCards and EasyTickets can be purchase . The one nearest us was at a Sedano 's grocer . The next day my mom dropped us off at the bus stop . I felt like I was 12 again . All that was needed was for my mom to kiss me goodbye , tell me what time I had to be back , and to warn me not to talk to shady looking characters . We had no trouble getting to and from the Seaquarium , partly because as we were waiting for our bus in Homestead we overheard a conversation . There was a guy in a distinct blue shirt and he was telling his friend that he was going to Dadeland South Metro Station . That 's was our first stop . So we just got off when he did . To our surprise , he and his uncommon shirt was on our return bus . It was raining outside and in the darkness of night we couldn 't see out the bus . But , we knew we had reached our destination when Mr . Blue - Shirt made his way to the back door of the bus . He , without knowing it , helped us get off at the right stop once again . The Seaquarium was great . We made a point to see every show that was offered . It took us 3 hours to get there by bus , so we weren 't going home without seeing everything ! Here is a little insight on the behavior of Floridians . Floridians love to be in control of the weather . Take a Floridian up north , no matter what time of year , and he or she will complain about how cold it is . Put that same Floridian back in Florida and he / she will breath a sigh relief for surviving the cold then proceed to turn the AC to max power . I haven 't gotten to the truly astounding part yet . When the Floridian has cooled down , the knob on the AC will not be changed . Instead the Floridian will search in a purse or backpack for an " emergency " sweater and put it on . If you ever see a person driving around in their car in the summer with a sweater on , that person is most likely a Floridian . I am now a Floridian . The Seaquarium is outdoors except for a few cafeterias . It was very hot . The day started out with us making sure to sit in the non - splash zone at shows . Then towards mid - day I wanted to stand right next to the water so that I could be splashed . I needed to cool down and the dolphins did not disappoint . First off , the name Key West has nothing to do with its location . I used to think that since it was the island in the keys that was the furthest west , it was called Key West . But it 's actually a misunderstanding . The name was Cayo Hueso , or Bone Key . The Native Americans who lived in the area used this island to bury their dead , so the Spaniards called it Cayo Hueso . This could be translated to Key West by any English speaker who flunked 9th grade Spanish . This island has the craziest history stories . No wonder writers come to Key West to become inspired . Of all the tales I heard on this trip , the one I enjoyed the most is the one about the Conch Republic . It is a well known fact that many Cuban immigrants come into the US by way of the Florida Keys . The United States Border Patrol decided to put a stop to this and illegal drug import . In 1982 they put up a checkpoint on the road out to the keys . If you 've ever driven down to the keys , you may know that one little car accident or one slow driver can cause a huge back up . There are only 2 roads going into the keys and then eventually only one . Both of the roads had only one lane going in either direction back in 1982 . The people of Key West were unhappy . They needed tourists with money to come in and spend senselessly . They asked the government to stop . But they were ignored . Then they changed tactics . They threw Cuban bread at some naval soldiers working at the checkpoint then quickly surrendered . Since the war was over and they were on the losing end , the Conch Republic asked the US for foreign aid . Hey , why not ? Parking is hard to find , but whatever you do , do not park illegally . If you do and you just get a ticket , consider yourself lucky . This is not a good place to get your car towed . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this :

It was a beautiful day . Boo and I had a great morning together . I got the yard mowed , and Boo and The Wiener Dog pretended to be superheroes while the lawn mower played the part of the villain . I had a nice bath and washed the grass off , and only at the very end did Boo attempt to climb in with me and insist on giving me toys . Because , you know , you are being deprived if you have no toys in your bathtub . We made a quick trip to the local grocery store for a jar of mayo . Boo insisted on staying in the car while I ran inside . When I got back , I found him sitting in his seat with his chin on his chest . I asked him what was wrong . No answer . I asked again . No answer . " Booooo ? ? ? ? " A small voice replied " I 'm sleeping , stop bothering me . " I stifled a giggle , then stage whispered to myself " Darn , I can 't give Boo these chicken strips I bought him because he is sleeping . " Grocery store chicken strips are one of his favorite things lately . Chin still on his chest , he reached one hand toward me and said with a sigh " I guess I 'll take them . They help me to stop sleeping sometimes . " Back at home , Boo got busy playing with toys and imagining all sorts of games . His imaginative play is often structured like a computer game , complete with imaginary buttons he invites you to " click . " I knew that the forecast called for storms in the evening . I noted that the clouds had begun to move in . Boo 's normal complete inability to be still for two seconds hyperactivity was even more pronounced than usual . Boo 's Dad arrived home for the first time in three days . Boo was ecstatic to see his dad . I set to work making a dish to take to the family barbecue later , and listened in to their play . Boo was scripting himself and his dad . He was creating races and had less than usual tolerance for deviation from his idea of how it should go . The longer it went on , the more incessant Boo 's chatter became . I was cracking up listening . Mostly because I was in a state of joy that there was another set of ears in the house again and it wasn 't directed solely at me . Dad eventually went to attempt a nap before time for the barbecue . Next thing I knew , Boo was running circles around the house at top speed . He was a ball of pure energy , unstoppable and intense . I began to countdown the minutes till the barbecue began , longing for him to be able to run , climb , and pedal his way around the place . Outside , the wind was picking up and the temperature was beginning to cool . I decided that Boo and I ought to change from shorts to pants . We changed clothes and I started gathering things together to get ready to leave . Boo wanted to take his toy Lightening McQueen with him but couldn 't find it . He was screaming and upset , and refusing to go . It seemed like a meltdown was imminent , but suddenly he calmed and decided that rather than taking the plastic toy that had been on his birthday cake when he turned four , he could take the metal one he had been playing with just five minutes earlier . But we couldn 't find that one either . It was a downright Lightning emergency . Finally it was located and we all headed out to the car . For a while after we arrived , everything was perfect . Boo was playing happily . I was enjoying adult conversation . I realized I had forgotten to bring my dish , so I headed back into town to get it . On the way back I photographed this cloud bank moving in . Shortly after I got back to my dad 's house the wind picked up furiously and it started to rain . We moved inside the shop building , said a prayer , and began to fill our plates . Of course , there was nothing there that Boo would even consider eating . I had tried to get him to eat before we left home , but he only had three small strips of garlic cheese bread . He is usually content just to play outside while the rest of us eat but this time he was not happy about being cooped up in the shop . The floor in front of the shop doors was wet from the rain and Boo slipped and fell on the slippery concrete . He cried about his hip hurting , but soon got back up and insisted on walking back and forth in front of the doors repeatedly . After a few more falls I finally insisted that he stop walking in the wet area . So he decided to take up a campaign for going home immediately . He whined and begged the entire time I was trying to eat my meal . The main problem was that the seat of his pants was wet from his repeated falls on the wet concrete . But beyond that , he was simply bored . I continually suggested that he choose from his selection of toys his grandpa keeps in the shop , but he refused . He decided that he wanted to play darts , and set about making the rounds among the family asking each one in turn if they were finished eating . He finally found someone to play with him and for a while his wet pants were forgotten . Later , as everyone was leaving , he found his tricycle and started riding circles around the shop at top speed , shouting " Look out , train coming through - woo ! " I helped with cleaning up the place . But when it was time to leave Boo refused to get off the bike . It took repeated requests , and finally the threat of a swat to get him off the bike . He put it away but refused to leave . After having spent most of the evening annoying the daylights out of me begging to go home , when it was actually time to leave he was begging to stay . I had pulled my car around in front of the shop so we wouldn 't have to walk far in the rain . My husband was gathering our belongings as I attempted to get Boo to go to the car . He dug in his heels and his tantrum began to lean toward a meltdown . My nerves were hanging by a thread . The entire evening felt like a trial instead of a joy . I insisted , and he hit me . I swatted his backside and he hit meltdown status . I picked him up and asked my step mother to open the door for me . I carried him to the car , and had to force him screaming and flailing into his car seat . He was clawing at the seat belt trying to prevent me from buckling it , but I finally got it done . By then my husband was on his way out with both his hands full , so I opened his car door for him . As he sat down , Boo was furiously pummeling the back of the passenger seat with his feet and screaming like a banshee . I snapped at him to knock it off and he stopped kicking . As I walked around to my side of the car my step mom caught my eye from where she stood in the doorway of the shop and she remarked " You know , a wooden spoon works great for that . " I was tired , annoyed , stressed , standing in the rain , and ready to snap like a crocodile . I shot her the nastiest glare I could muster and shouted past her " goodbye Dad . " Then I got into the car and drove us home . Boo continued his blood - boiling scream in the backseat for a couple minutes before it began to subside . He had smacked his finger on a table while pretending to be a train and now he suddenly decided this was a terrible injury . We arrived home and I got him settled with an ice pack on his finger and an episode of Spiderman and His Amazing Friends on the TV . He ate a bowl of cheese crackers while the show played , and afterward he happily transitioned to his bedtime routine and fell peacefully and soundly asleep . But the thunder in my mind and heart continued rolling long after the thunder outside faded into the distance . A few months ago , there was a furious exchange of texts between Boos Mom and Mammo . The gist of the conversation was " OMG ! Elmo is giving up his binky on Sesame Street ! ! ! " We were especially excited about this because Boo was LONG overdue to give up his binky as well . We had worked our way down to convincing him that he could ONLY use it for bedtime , and only while laying in his bed . No mid - day rest time on the couch , no using it to soothe after a meltdown or injury . I comforted myself with the idea that most of the time , once he fell asleep , the binky would fall out of his mouth , so the amount of damage being done to his mouth / teeth was minimal . Of course , I knew this was a giant load of crap , but it made me feel better . Besides , I was making no inroads at all into the idea of giving up the binky completely , and I knew instinctively that this was not a battle I should choose . Boo has never been motivated by the idea of being a " big kid " or growing up . ( With the exception of being thoroughly convinced that he would gain overnight the ability to beat his classmate in a foot race once he turned five . ) I had been unable to find anything that would motivate him at all toward the idea of giving up the binky . I approached all the old standby stuff , the binky fairy , taking it away cold turkey , etc . The only one I didn 't do was to cut off the tip , because again , I knew instinctively that doing so would produce a bedtime $ % * ! storm . So Mammo and I watched him watch Elmo talk about this milestone and chewed our fingernails in hope . We hoped that this song would worm its way into his mind like it did ours , and the idea would start to take root . After I knew he had seen the segment a few times , I started to introduce the idea that someday he wouldn 't need his binky anymore . It was a gentle thing . Never asked him to give it up NOW . But I knew his birthday was coming soon . So when I gave him the bink at bedtime I started to tell him that " one day you will be so big that you won 't need this anymore . " I left it at that . Then after a while , I mentioned that babies use binkies and big kids don 't , and one day he would be big enough not to need it . Every time I used this sort of language I used it while giving him the binky so that he didn 't feel that he was being pressured to let it go now . Just trying to get him thinking about it . It 's all baby steps ! After a while , I tried applying a time stamp to this concept . I suggested that when he turned five he wouldn 't need the binky anymore . That 's when I started to see resistance , so I backed off a bit . I didn 't talk about it every night , but did mention it a few more times . But the resistance got stronger , so I stopped talking about it . The last thing I wanted to do was create anxiety surrounding his birthday and suck the joy out of turning five . So I stopped talking about it . Then , the night before his birthday , I got ballsy brave . As I handed him the binky , The next night , I refused to give it to him during book time . I explained that now that he is a big kid , the bink , which is made for babies , can damage his teeth if he continues to use it . This threw him for a loop . I could see he was really considering that . He did not like the idea of any " damage " to his body . We somehow managed to get through bedtime without much credible resistance . It helped also that once again , it had been a big day , and he was extra tired . Over the next week , his requests for the binky quickly dwindled . It didn 't take long for him to quit mentioning it at all . When he did , he insisted that his mouth was uncomfortable , and asked me " what am I going to munch on ? " But it never once came to the point of a meltdown , or even a credible threat of one . Not even so much as a tantrum . I was stunned . I made one facebook post about it on the night of his birthday , but other than that I maintained public silence on the issue . I didn 't want to press my luck , or to eat my words . I wasn 't sure this would hold . I hid all the binkies in my sock drawer where he would happen to see him and be reminded of them , but where they would be easily accessible in the event of a middle - of - the - night binky emergency . I haven 't taken them out since . Every week or so Mammo would tentatively ask me " is he still going to bed without the bink ? " Yep ! We were both proud and amazed , but also kind of waiting for the other shoe to fall . Well , tonight will be the 25th night in a row that my Boo goes to sleep with nothing in his mouth but what God gave him . I didn 't think I would ever see this day happen . I 'm so proud of Boo , and so thankful that I was so lucky . How about you ? Did you / your child have difficulties giving up certain aspects of baby - hood ? Share your stories with me ! This is my first time jumping on the Ryan Gosling bandwagon . If you need an explanation , go here . Update : I just had to add this one : Boo is extremely orally sensitive . He always has been . Keeping his teeth brushed has always been difficult , and if I am really brutally honest , I haven 't always made much of an effort to even try . I know , I know , so don 't bother lecturing me . Back when he was almost two I had started the process of finding him a dentist , but before he ever had an appointment I suddenly got laid off from my job and poof , we had no insurance . Fast forward three years and there he is happily jumping away in the bounce house in our back yard at his fifth birthday party . Then suddenly he is wailing and running to me . He had somehow fallen face first into another kid 's back and hurt his mouth . He was very upset about it . Later after the excitement was over he again complained about his mouth . When I got a better look , I saw that one of his bottom incisors was missing a big chunk of enamel ! Uh oh . The very next business day I started calling around for referrals . I needed a dentist who " gets it . " I wasn 't about to just pick someone out of a phone book . I checked out the website of one of the practices that was recommended and fell in love . I called to set an appointment and of course , they had no openings until October . Five months . I took it , and hoped that we wouldn 't experience any trouble before then . Monday afternoon I got a phone call . It was the dentist office . They said that they had a cancellation and they would like to offer it to Boo . Great ! When ? Tomorrow ! I had less than 24 hours to prepare my son for his first ever dental visit ! But I knew I would be a fool not to take the chance . So Tuesday afternoon Mammo came over and we all got in the car and headed to town , fingers , toes , legs , and eyeballs crossed . I had showed Boo the website . Showed him the pictures of the reception desk , waiting area , and treatment areas . The home page had a monkey hanging from a tree and brushing its teeth , which Boo found hilarious . I also showed him pictures of the doctor he would be seeing . I told him that if he let the doctor count his teeth , He had the headphones on . This , they boy who has literally refused any attempts to put anything on his head ( except his hoodies ) since birth , was wearing headphones . I pretended that I didn 't even notice , and continued talking with the assistant . Next thing you know . . . He never really got all the way up on the exam bed , but he was close . He did sit on it at one point . I simply never made a big deal out of it . He then started messing with the buttons on the headphones and soon they weren 't working right . I put them on and I was hearing a different movie . I told the girl that they were playing Cars . Boo got excited and asked if he could see Cars instead and she changed the movie to Cars . They chatted a bit about his love of Lightning McQueen , and next thing I knew , she grabbed her tiny microphone hanging from her tiny earpiece ( think Hollywood Secret Service ) , pushed a button , and said " can you get us a bag with a Lightning McQueen toothbrush please . " And POOF , another lady appeared in the door and handed over a small bag containing said toothbrush , some toothpaste and some floss . Boo was totally excited by the toothbrush . Then the girl started talking to Boo about all the special tools they use and asked if he wanted to check them out . She presented him with a small dental mirror . He took it from her , checked it out , and told her " this reflects whatever is in front of it , " and then used it to watch Cars on the ceiling . I was equal parts amused and amazed by their exchange . Soon after that the doctor came in . They chatted easily . After she and the assistant conversed briefly , she showed Boo her special glasses with magnifying glasses in them . He was enthralled . She asked if he wanted to try them , and I almost feel out of my chair when he said yes . He didn 't wear it long . As she and I talked at length , Boo noticed the dental light that was hanging down from the ceiling . This what where they REALLY impressed me . They let him play with it to his heart 's content , switching it on and off , moving it all around , barely even reacting when he kept shining it directly in the doctor 's eyes by accident . This kept him distracted while she discussed his diet and oral hygiene habits with me , recommending some products that could help protect against cavities , and giving me absolutely no pressurPosted by Tuesday was Boo 's big class field trip . As with all his preschool field trips , both the 3 - 4 year old class and the 4 - 5 year old class went together , along with parents and siblings , making us quite the noisy and chaotic group . Unlike the other few field trips taken during the school term , this one did not fit withing the time frame of the normal three hour school day . This one included taking a lunch ! This is the same trip that we took last year when he was in the 3 - 4 class , so it helped that he and I both knew what to expect . But what helped most was the fact that I have been able to adjust my expectations with these kinds of events . Now , instead of pushing him to participate in the same way as his classmates for fear he will " miss out " on some vital part of his childhood , I am able to realize that my boy knows his limits . He knows what he can manage and how , and more importantly , he knows what he can 't handle . And I have learned to listen . So this time , I was able to relax and allow Boo to have fun and participate in his way , and to experience his childhood . It didn 't always look like everyone else 's field trip , but that 's OK . Because what better gift can we give our children than the permission , freedom , and security to be themselves ? We began by meeting at school and getting our instructions . Then we drove to the local zoo . Since we are a small private preschool , we don 't go together in a bus . The teacher drives a van , with any students whose parents couldn 't come . The parents either drive themselves or carpool together . So there was a big caravan going down the highway . The entire time , Boo was obsessed with the fact that we were behind Little Britches . He wanted me to hurry up and pass him . He insisted it was a race . Finally , when he learned that still more cars were behind us , he became satisfied with being in fourth place because hey , at least we weren 't last ! We arrived at the zoo and were waiting in the parking lot for everyone else to arrive . The kids were playing and talking together . A couple other mothers were putting sunblock on their kids since it was a very hot and sunny day . I mentally kicked myself for not thinking of sunblock . One of the moms offered me the stick sunblock for his face . I thanked her and tried to apply it , but he recoiled and screamed at me . I tried to reason with him and show him that his friends were putting it on so they wouldn 't get sunburned . He requested to get the spray sunblock like another boy did , and the other mom was kind enough to spray him down . I was shocked that he stood happily still while she sprayed his arms , legs , neck , ears , and then used her fingers to apply some to his face . I made a mental note to attempt to hire her for all future summer - time outings . With that , we headed toward the zoo entrance . Boo and Little Britches were hand - in - hand of course . Our first stop was the " pavilion " where we attended an animal presentation . This consisted of a series of animals being shown while the zoo keeper talked briefly about them , then gave the kids a chance to touch them . Boo was engaged at first , but as the keeper droned on she quickly lost his attention . Instead of trying to keep him focused on what she was saying , I watched for any signs that he was ready to bolt and just made sure he wasn 't disruptive . Because , let 's face it , how important is it really that he knows what a woodchuck 's favorite food is ? Other than chanting a few times about how much wood a woodchuck can chuck , he stayed pretty well settled . He politely declined to touch most of the animals , and I let that one go too . Because it 's more important that he have a happy and fun field trip than that I get a picture of him touching a Madagascar hissing cockroach . When the animal show was over , it was time for the highlight of the entire trip . ( At least for Boo ) A ride on the zoo train ! This is just a small local free zoo , so the train ride isn 't elaborate . There are no animals to look at , just some animal statues . But it 's an actual train , with a conductor , a whistle , and actual tracks . We even went through a tunnel ! ( kind of a glorified shed which holds all manor of parts , tools , and supplies . Boo was excited to point out the bottle of Gatorade he saw sitting on a shelf ! ) After the train ride , we headed in to the zoo . The first stop where the kids gathered was the pond . I gave Boo a quarter to buy fish / bird food from the machine . We got an adult size handful . He insisted on throwing it in one tiny piece at a time . He also insisted on standing precariously close to the edge of the pond and throwing the food will all the force he could muster . I just knew he was going to go in the water before the food was gone , but thankfully he didn 't . However , it took him so ridiculously long to finish that every other memAfter Spiderman finished saving the world from evil villains , he moved on to the play area designed to look like a fossil dig site . While the other kids played in the sand pit , using shovels and brushes to unearth the buried " bones , " Boo was climbing back and forth along the wall on the edge of the play area . Again , he was so precariously close to the edge that he made me nervous . But I had to laugh when he announced to a group of girls " I 'm your friendly neighborhood Spiderman ! " Then , after all his classmates had moved on to the next activity , Boo decided he wanted to get into the sand pit and " find " fossils . I felt bad that he always seemed to be three steps behind his peers at every turn . But he didn 't seem to mind . Spiderman hard at work protecting the playground from the Green Goblin After a quick walk through the couple animal exhibits that were actually open ( there 's a lot of construction projects going on that have a part of the zoo closed off ) , it was time to make our way to the bathrooms for potty breaks and hand washing before lunch . At this point , Boo suddenly became obsessed with the fact that there was sand in his shoes , and between his toes . By the time I had coaxed him to the bathroom , all the other kids and parents had already finished . Boo chose a stall , and I entered it with him , holding my hands over his ears while he used the toilet . Then after he washed his hands , I lifted him up and helped him wash the sand from between his toes . Of course , we had to wash the shoes too , and get everything completely dry . By the time we left the bathroom , everyone else was already out of the zoo and halfway through eating their lunch in the park . We arrived at the park and Boo took a seat next to Little Britches . While the other moms encouraged their kids to finish their ham and cheese sandwiches and fruit , I was content for Boo to eat his Ritz crackers and giant chocolate muffin . He guzzled his bottle of water then took off for the playground . I chatted with some other moms , then went to snap some more pictures . Soon it was time to leave the park and head for the next part of the day . Boo was very distraught . He wanted to play with the bigger kids from another school that had just arrived . In truth , the real problem was that he was hot and tired and hadn 't eaten very well all day . Plus he was already overstimulated by all that we had done so far that day . It was a long walk back to the car and he wasn 't interested in walking . So yes , this mama was seen carrying a four foot tall , fifty - two pound boy across the park . Yes , it killed my back . Yes , it was babying him . But hey , no one had to endure a full - on meltdown at the park because I knew better than to push him when he was in that state . I made it to the edge of the parking lot before I felt like I was going to fall over , so I told him that By the time we got to the car , we were both hot , tired and sweaty . We were already almost the last ones to leave because he had taken so much time , but I knew that we wouldn 't make it much longer if I didn 't get him something to drink . So we stopped at a convenience store . We had to go a bit out of the route because there really wasn 't anyplace that was on the way . So by the time we arrived at the next destination , the greenhouse , the rest of the group was already beginning the tour . They were still standing at the very first stop on the tour , but that didn 't matter . Boo was so bothered by the fact that he " missed the beginning of the teaching " that he refused to move up front with the rest of the kids . If he couldn 't see the entire tour start to finish , he didn 't want to see any . Instead , he insisted on staying in the very back of the group with The Boo Whisperer . She was bringing up the rear because she was pushing her daughter in a stroller . Instead of pushing him and insisting he stay in front with the kids , or worrying about him " missing " something . . . I let it be . What difference did it make if he learned about vegetables , annuals , perennials , and cacti ? I can teach him that at home in our garden . He was happy . And by the time the tour was over , and it was time to " plant " a geranium to take home , he was willing to participate because he hadn 't been pressured to do something he was uncomfortable with . After that , it was time for everyone to head home . So , that was our field trip . It didn 't look like everyone else 's . We tended to always be two or three steps behind the group . But it was close . We had a ton of fun . Boo was happy . And what else matters ? I kind of felt like those old anti - drug campaign commercials . This is your field trip . . . this is your field trip on Autism . LOL . I was proud of boo for keeping his composure even during some difficult moments . I was proud of myself for not pushing him past his ability to cope , and for letting go of the mentality that says he needs to do what all the other kids do . Posted by " Sure . Dear God , thank you for this wonderful day . Thank you for our field trip , and all the fun we had with our friends . And God , Boo would like for our family to have a baby . Will you please let us know if that 's something you want us to do ? In Jesus ' name we pray , Amen . And Boo , you can talk to God yourself too . You can tell him about anything you want . And if you don 't want to talk to him out loud , it 's OK . You can just think your prayers , and God will hear them . " The next page had a picture of Boo with his cheesed - up fake smile that he always makes when you tell him to smile . On the back , he had written his name . God knew just exactly what I needed to help me pick up the pieces of my heart after the disaster last night . I feel like everything is set right again between me and my Boo . Happy Mother 's Day indeed ! " I was looking shaggy , not too good , I 'd put it off as long as I could . Lord , I hate to get a haircut out of town . " ~ Ray Stevens , The Haircut Song Boo hates haircuts . And I 've had so many parents tell me ' oh , I know , my kid hates them too ' and I 'm like , no . He hates haircuts with an intensity you can 't imagine ! His sensory difficulties kick into high gear . Although he 's never been officially diagnosed with it , I 'm fairly certain we are dealing with sensory processing disorder ( SPD ) along with the autism . Boo absolutely can not tolerate the sensation of the hair falling on him . In fact , he pretty much hates all things to do with hair . Washing , drying , combing . Even the gentlest attempt to comb through it with " tangle spray " applied makes him shriek in pain , saying that I 'm pulling his hair . Consequently , we tend to go a looooooong time between haircuts . But the longer the hair gets , the more difficulty we start to have with the washing and the combing . Plus , we start to get comments from family members . I have been trying to gently broach the subject of needing a haircut for a few weeks . He is adamantly opposed every time it is mentioned . Yesterday I was talking with him about it , tried to get him to sit for one , and he ended up telling me he wanted to do it at night . I knew this was just his tactic to put me off , and that come night he wouldn 't actually be so compliant . But we struck a deal , and sealed it with a pinky promise . Later that evening , I was shocked by his willingness to comply when I told him it was indeed time for the haircut . After a few attempts at stalling , he finally sat on a stool and I placed a sheet over his entire body like a cape . We were ready for a haircut . I knew from experience to save the bangs for last , since once he feels hair on his face he is done . I started by trimming around his right ear . He was watching an episode of Spiderman . I was patting myself on the back that this was going so well . Then I got real stupid . Instead of moving immediately to the left ear , I proceeded to start in the middle of the back of his head . Now , I am no sort of barber . I have been doing most of Boo 's haircuts since he started getting them , but it doesn 't come out real pretty . Still , he insists he is more comfortable with me doing it than going to the salon , so I hack away . If he can hold halfway still I can do a passable job . But he hates the sensation of the cutting . He hates the wet hair . He hates how it feels on the tiny space of neck that is exposed above the cape . With every snip , he was jerking and writhing , trying to get at his head from under the sheet . Just a couple cuts and he jerked the sheet and pulled it off , spilling hair down the front of himself . At that point , he was done . That was as much cooperation as I was going to get . But he looked ridiculous . One ear long , one trimmed , and a big chunk missing from the back of the head . I coaxed and talked , and he finally agreed to sit back down if I would get a new cape . So I got out another sheet and wrapped it around him . But he had zero tolerance left in him . I did another couple cuts and he kept screaming and jerking and pulling the sheet off . I offered to " get it done really fast " by using the clippers . As badly as he hates haircuts . . . he abhors clippers ! I tried reasoning . I told him he had to choose between the scissors and the clippers , and I would have to use the clippers if he would not sit still for the scissors . Every time I even turned the clippers on he wI cuddled up beside him , tucked him in with his bean bag blanket , and hugged him . A lot . I told him I was sorry for hurting him . He asked me when . I said , " when I cut your hair . I 'm so sorry that I hurt you baby . " He smiled at me . He told me " that 's ok , mom . I forgive you . " Then he very quickly drifted off to sleep . I laid beside him in tears . He forgave me . But it will take a lot longer for me to forgive myself . Thomas has been a staple in our house for well over three years now . On Boo 's second birthday he received a starter set of " trackmaster " tracks and a couple engines . From that point forward most days have found our living room half covered in some configuration of tracks , bridges , tunnels , and stations . We watch the show on TV and we have several videos and books . Boo has memorized pretty much every plot , and most of the dialog . He re - enacts these on his track set . He has most of the major characters , but is willing to substitute one engine for another if necessary . This is one of his major ongoing preservations that ebbs and flows but never really fades . Last year I had the opportunity to attend a lecture given at a nearby medical school campus by the developmental pediatrician who diagnosed Boo . She spoke on the subject of autism . The content was pretty basic , and while I didn 't really learn anything new per se , I enjoyed hearing her perspective as a clinician . After the lecture there was time for Q & A and that was really the best part of the whole thing . I remember being struck when she commented that a great many of her autistic patients have a fascination with Thomas . She commented that she found it interesting that these children , who have such difficulty with effectively communicating emotion both receptively and expressively seemed to feel most comfortable with these characters who have faces that do not move . ( This was before the popularity of the newer CG version of the Thomas show . ) For some reason , of all the things that were discussed there that day , this one idea stuck with me . I found it interesting , but it just didn 't feel correct somehow . I couldn 't put a finger on it , but it just stuck . Kind of like a piece of popcorn hull stuck down in your gums . And then a while back it struck me suddenly . I knew why she was wrong . At least for Boo . I can 't speak for all the other spectrum kiddos out there who love the little blue engine . But for my Boo , the reason why Thomas is so comfortable for him , so easy Posted by I cried in Walmart today . I 've seen other posts that start with this same sentence . In fact , a google search of that phrase netted 33 , 800 , 000 results ! I suppose it 's in part because we all seem to find ourselves in walmart stores more frequently than we imagine . It 's also because Walmart is such a cultural icon , such a slice of life , a cross - section if you will , of America . You see everything at Walmart . In fact , Boo got his first tooth at Walmart . ( At least , that is where I saw it for the first time . ) So it should not have surprised me today when I made a connection with my cashier . But it did . I was feeling annoyed by the fact that only 3 register lanes were open besides the " speedy checkouts . " I chose the shortest line , and was pleased to find that the cashier seemed to be quick and pleasant . She was chatting away with the customer in front of me . She asked the customer " where did you find this shirt ? " and then spoke at length about her mother , her stepmother , her mother - in - law , what she wanted to get them for Mother 's Day , what she 'd gotten them for Mother 's Day in the past . I noticed that the customer seemed to take no interest in the conversation , and that this did not slow the cashier down in the least . I felt a moment , just a moment , of frustration . I was in a hurry , and here I 'd chosen the line with the chatty cashier . But as she finished up with the other customer and I placed my items on the belt , I saw that she wore a button on her name tag . It was a small thing . A simple thing . It was just a black circle with white letters which read " Respect Others . " It stabbed my conscience . I realised my mistake instantly . I silently chastised myself . I reminded myself that this is precisely what I imagine Boo looking like in adulthood . ( Well , maybe not precisely , as I imagine him a man ) I think it likely that he will continue to have trouble knowing when others are engaged in conversation with him , and when they are politely uninterested . I imagine him talking incessantly all the time . These are both big challengAs I stepped forward in line she offered me the bubbliest of greetings . I smiled genuinely , glad to be checked out by someone with a positive attitude . We each asked how the other 's day was going . She told me that her only complaint was a bout with writer 's block . Aha ! A fellow writer ! A comrade ! I asked her what she writes . She offered a lengthy description of the eclectic nature of the genres of her work . I noticed that she wore a necklace with two charms on it . They were both awareness ribbons , one green and one multi - colored puzzle pieces . Now , you can say what you will about the puzzle piece as a symbol of autism , ( and I 'll tell you my feelings on that matter some other time ) but when I saw that necklace , I knew I had met a kindred spirit . We continued to chat about her writing , and in the course of conversation , she said confidently " I have Aspergers " and proceeded to try to explain to me what that means . I smiled the biggest smile I could muster and told her , " I 'm familiar . I have a son with PDD - NOS . " Then she smiled a big smile . She continued with her explanation of the challenges that her Aspergers gives her as it relates to her writing . I told her that I understood , and mentioned that I have similar difficulties with my writing . I told her that I write a blog about parenting autism , and that I read several others as well . She was very excited about that , and told me that she was diagnosed at age 5 but only recently came to understand just what the diagnosis really means . She said that she would be interested in reading about it from my perspective as a parent . By that time , I was finished checking out and it was time for her to help the next customer . I hastily wrote down my facebook address and my blog address for her and we said our goodbyes . As I pushed my cart toward the door , I choked back tears . I know the numbers . I preach the numbers . I 'm the first girl to tell you that autistic people are everywhere . That they are already in your life , whether you know it or not . That you meet them in church , aPosted by Thursday , May 3 , 2007 I woke up that morning , just as I did every day : Uncomfortable and tired , my hands numb from pregnancy induced carpel tunnel , but happy as a lark . I was anxious to meet my baby boy in about four weeks . . . or so I thought . I noticed a slight feeling of " leaking " as I headed to the bathroom , but assumed it was just one of those fun side effects of pregnancy , the leaky bladder . I completed my normal morning routine and went to work . But throughout the day I continued to notice a sensation of " leaking " and I was growing increasingly less certain that my bladder was the source of the leak . Around 2 : 00 that afternoon , I decided to call my obstetrician 's office and inquire , since it would be a long drive back to the city if I waited till after I went back home that night . Of course , the nurse who took my call ordered me to come to the office immediately , if not sooner . I arrived at the office and was given an extremely brief exam by my doctor . She told me that she could not be certain whether my water had broken , since she didn 't see the " tell - tale " signs , but that if she were to bet , she would bet that was what was happening . She sent me across the street to the hospital to have an " amnio - sure " test done . She said this was to test for the presence of amniotic fluid . I dutifully followed her directive and waddled across the sky walk to the hospital , stopping halfway across to stare out the window and try to breathe as I called my husband . I was trying really hard not to sound as freaked out as I felt . I sat in the waiting room for what felt like an eternity . Finally they put me in a room and gave me a gown . They asked all manor of questions , took bodily fluid samples , and threatened to put in an IV if I didn 't start drinking water . It began to feel like they intended to keep me for more than just a quick test . Eventually , they did get around to pulling out the glorified Q - tip and swabbing around . I was told that the test result was a faint positive , but " a positive is a positive ! " At that point , I knew I was an inmate patient for a while . My family began to arrive then , and we were told " you won 't be leaving this hospital without a baby . " I wondered how long that would take . After that it all sort of blurs . There was a whirlwind of activity for a while . At some point I was informed that they had made the decision to induce labor , since they were assuming my water had been ruptured since 7am when I first noticed the leaky sensation , but I 'd never had any contractions . They hooked me up to the IV and the external fetal monitor , and hung the pitocin . It 's evil stuff , that pitocin ! I was uncomfortable , but determined to do this drug free . I had my husband , my mom , my Grams , and my aunt there to get me through . At midnight , my mom began taking notes of what was happening . Friday , May 4 , 2007 You see , after I had been there approximately six hours with seemingly little progress , someone decided it was time to do an actual exam , at which point they discovered my membrane still intact . Hmm . Head scratcher . The on - call doc who did the exam explained this away by saying that sometimes there can be a " sac within the sac " and that this was rare , but not unheard of . Later he returned to break my water . The only good thing about the internal monitor was that I wasn 't so tied to the bed . The external monitor had been loosing the " signal " practically every time I shifted position . With the new internal one in place , I took advantage of the opportunity to sit in the recliner , which was much more comfortable . . . for a minute . I remember having a sensation that the contractions were coming in unending waves . I had the thought " isn 't there supposed to be some time between the contractions ? " and at almost that very moment the door opened and various medical personnel swooped in on me . They whisked me out of the recliner and put me in the bed laying on my left side , and strapped an oxygen mask on me . I wasn 't real sure what was going on . My poor mother had chosen that time for a bathroom break , and returned to find the chaotic scene . Her notes convey little of the fear I know she felt upon returning . They explained that the rapid increase in the pitocin drip had caused exactly what I had thought , the contractions were coming in waves one after another without giving the baby a chance to recover . His heart rate was decreasing and he was showing signs of stress . They stopped the drip to give us both a chance to recover , then started all over again , promising to go slower this time . At this point , I was exhausted . I 'd had little rest and no food since lunch . I was beginning to loose my resolve on the issue of meds . I was offered a shot , which to me sounded better than the all - out epidural . I agreed . They came in with a needle and pushed liquid relaxation into my IV . Mom notes : Now at this point , I have to clarify . I did NOT want drugs . But I was TIRED . And I was SCARED . I didn 't have any idea how long I could expect this to go on , or how much worse it would get . Had I had any clue just how close to the finish line it really was , I 'd have never allowed the epidural . I actually asked for another shot , but was told I could not have one . They said the med I was given could only be given once . They said they could give me something else , but it wouldn 't work as well . So I gave up , gave in , and asked for the epidural . Indeed , I got some rest . The anesthesiologist who placed the epidural told me that I should be numb up to my belly button . I was numb to within an inch of that , which he was satisfied with . He warned me to roll over to my other side every 30 minutes because the medication would " pool " in the side on which I was laying , making it more numb than the other . I rolled to my left and drifted into sleepy land . When I awoke , I could see my nurse and my family sitting in the room chatting . I felt like something was not right . I couldn 't move . I couldn 't talk . I finally managed to squeak out a few words , which brought everyone rushing to my side . Although I 'd been laying on my left , my entire right side of my body was so numb I couldn 't tell it even existed . I couldn 't move even enough to roll over without assistance . I was numb to my chest . It was the oddest sensation I 've ever experienced ! There was apparently another exam done , because suddenly everyone was scrambling . Doctors , nurses , gowns , equipment , it was a flurry of activity . The neo - natal doctor came in to talk to us about what we could expect with a preemie . I didn 't hear a word he said . 1 : 30 - dialated to 10 . . . begin pushing My husband supported my left leg , while my mom had to literally hold my right leg in place . I couldn 't move it , couldn 't feel it , couldn 't even tell you for sure if it existed . I remember pushing as hard as I could , wondering if I was even doing it right , if I was being the least bit effective , because I could not feel a thing ! And then suddenly , the greatest miracle of my life occurred . My entire world was turned upside down in a moment , recorded by my mother with these simple words : Getting Boo to eat is a struggle . Correction : getting Boo to eat a halfway balanced , halfway healthy diet is a struggle . Like many kids on the spectrum , foods are a huge issue for him . The problem seems to be largely a sensory issue . As a baby he would eat literally anything we put on a spoon . We made our own baby foods by steaming and pureeing whatever fruits and veggies were in season . He ate green beans , squash , avocado , pears , peaches , blueberries , cranberries , pumpkin , anything we could make smooth . But when the time came to transition to table food , he abruptly stopped eating . It has been a struggle ever since . The foods that we do get him to eat have one thing in common . Consistency . As in , the food must be consistent throughout . Every bite having the same flavor and texture as the one before it and the one after it . For instance , he eats yogurt , but only flavors like orange , banana , key lime , and vanilla . If there are chunks of fruit in it , forget it ! He likes various kinds of chips and crackers . He likes bread and toast , but only the " right kind , without seeds . " ( meaning NOT multi - grain ) He likes a few kinds of cereals , and he likes milk , but you don 't put the milk ON the cereal . For a long time the single source of meat in his diet was McDonald 's chicken nuggets . No other kind would do . Thankfully we have recently discovered a love of Banquet brand popcorn chicken . He occasionally likes pizza , but only cheese pizza , and only from certain places . And if the sauce is visible ? Forget about it ! I remember once a couple years ago at a church dinner I convinced him to try a baby carrot . At that time I still thought he was just being " picky " and that if I could just expose him to all the great flavors of foods I love , he would learn to love it too . I coaxed him into taking a bite with the promise of a piece of chocolate cake as a reward . He bravely bit off the carrot , chewed , and twisted up his little face as he tried to swallow . But he just couldn 't get it past his gag reflex . The texture was too much for himOur best defense in this struggle has been a sort of classification system for his foods . He is highly motivated by sweets . He loves chocolate ( as long as it doesn 't have something evil like nuts in it ) and cake and ice cream and things like that . We try to limit these foods as much as we can . Early on , we began explaining the need for him to eat " healthy " foods in order to grow and be strong . He is not motivated by growing . He will tell you straight up that he prefers to remain a kid . And he insists that he can be strong simply by exercising . So our only successful motivation for him to eat healthy foods , was to reward him with " treat " foods . Now , I would prefer to keep the ratio of healthy foods high compared to the treats , but somehow we have gotten ourselves into a 1 : 1 rut . If you have a spectrum kid , you know how hard it can be to work your way out of those ruts ! So the best I can do right now is to try to increase the portion size of the healthy foods , and decrease the portion size of the treats . Now what happens when he decides to dig in his heels and refuse the healthy food ? Because he has a healthy dose of stubbornness that his father insists he gets from me , but we all know comes from his father . ; ) Sometimes he would simply rather starve himself , all the while throwing a loud ugly fit about being hungry , than eat something healthy . This is where the third category comes in : " snack " foods . These are foods that are a sort of compromise . They may not have much nutritional value , but they ease his hunger and help abate the behaviors without filling him full of sugar . So here 's how it ends up working . If he 's hungry , I try to get him to eat a healthy . If he eats a healthy , he gets a treat . If he doesn 't want to , he can choose a snack food , but a snack will not earn him a treat . It was never a system that was set up intentionally or proactively . We just kind of naturally fell into it from a combination of our terminology and Boo 's tendency to categorize the world . But hey , it 's working for us . And who cares Posted by A few weeks ago , while playing at Mammo 's house , Boo stumbled upon what has become one of his best coping tools . This simple unassuming character used to be a knee pillow for Mammo . It is made of memory foam , and was originally covered with a removable pillowcase . Boo discovered the zipper on the case , opened it , slipped his hand inside , and fell in love ! He oooh 'd and ahhh 'd and marveled at the feel of it . He quickly removed the pillow case and proclaimed " I like how this feels , Mammo . I could just feel it all day . " That evening he brought it home with him , and it has been his companion ever since . He likes to get it out when he needs a bit of extra sensory input or when he feels particularly upset . He likes to squeeze it , smoosh it , push it into his chin , and hug it . Suddenly this morning , he began doing something new . He suddenly decided to anthropomorphize it !  He gave it the name " Maple . " He started giving it drinks of his juice and bites of his cereal . He began talking to it . He asked if he could take it to school . Considering the recent difficulties he has had , I thought this would be an excellent idea . I told him that he would have to leave Maple in his cubby during school , but that if he started to feel sad or upset or nervous , he could ask Mrs . K for a few minutes to " squeeze maple . " He was excited about this plan . When we arrived at the classroom , Boo was thrilled to show every classmate , Mrs . K , and several of the other moms his new find . He walked up to each of them and announced " This is my friend Maple . I like to squeeze him when I feel sad or nervous . " He then stowed Maple in his cubby and sat down to stretch rubber bands onto a pegboard with his classmates . I was astounded at the change since last Friday ! He never once argued with me about going to school . He never gave me a moment of trouble . Apparently he had a bit of trouble following the rules at school , but he didn 't seem overly concerned about it . ( usually all it takes is one stern word from the teacher to send him home broken hearted and declaring his hatred for school ) Tonight we had our first family BBQ of the season . ( My family on my dad 's side have a tradition of getting together one night each week during the summer for a BBQ / potluck meal , and it 's one of my absolute favorite things about the season ! ) Boo didn 't want to go , of course . He never does , though he always has a great time once we get there . To make matters worse , Dad made the cardinal mistake of starting an episode of one of Boo 's favorite shows ( Billy the Exterminator ) just before time to leave , without enough time for Boo to finish the episode before we had to leave . Because he was already starting a fit , I figured I 'd better toss Maple in the car too . Surprisingly , I didn 't have hardly any trouble from Boo the entire evening . There was one moment , when it was time to eat , that he started to put up a fight . I suggested that he might want to go get Maple out of the car . He said no , then immediately huffed to the car and retrieved it . He then proceeded to introduce it once again to everyone present as " my friend Maple . " He then set it on the table , and never again picked it up till we came home . He never gave me another moment of trouble the entire evening . So , while Maple may be a friend to Boo , he has suddenly become MY bff ! Update : A couple days after writing this blog post , I was watching Spiderman and his Amazing Friends with Boo . He watches episodes of this series by himself frequently . The episode we watched had a story of a lonely old man who was accidentally given special powers to make anything happen that he wanted . One of the first things he did was create for himself a friend who would never leave him . The friend was a cat , and it 's name was Mable . Light bulb ON !

Turtles , you may or may not know have very specific environmental requirements . Obviously they need a tank , but they also need a basking rock or log and basking light , and finally they need food . They don 't really need love , but they do need their owners to keep them on a schedule . My brother , who is moving out of his apartment tomorrow , but not into the new apartment until Saturday , came over last night with his two turtles and we started a game of musical tanks . Uter has been removed from her tank , and has lost her basking bulb . Today she will have to make do with a regular 60 watt , which will give the illusion of sun , if not the benefits of an actual basking bulb . This is unfortunate but necessary , as I was afraid that putting a basking bulb in the only lamp I had left could cause a fire . Johnny Cakes , I know he 's named after some sort of food , but I don 't spend enough time in the states to know what that food thing is , or if he looks like one . He has always made me think of a hamburger , or a Dagwood Sandwich . This picture isn 't the best , but I can tell you that he is easily 3 times bigger than Uter . As such he had to be given the biggest tank . Poor Johnny Cakes , he 's such an easy going turtle , but last night he was headed for a meltdown , too much change , and now to have to spend the day with a dog ( he 's not used to dogs ) . I started to worry so I sent Uncle Tim a text message and he told me that if Johnny Cakes doesn 't settle down I should sing to him , apparently his favourite song is " Let it Be " . It 's funny , who knew that turtles were so sensitive . Bender is another story . Because Bender is very close in size to Uter it was a bit of a toss up as to which one would be given the medium size tank . However , we had some set up work to do so I told Uncle Tim to put them both in the medium tank until we had the chance to get the 10 gallon set up . So he did , and luckily he was standing there fiddling with some cords because it wasn 't two minutes from the time we put Bender in until she climbed on top of my poor Uter . I 'm sorry , but I will not tolerate that kind of behaviour in my home . . . not even from turtles who can 't be expected to know better . So that decided the issue , Bender , who should be named " tiger " , was given the smallest tank . Bender is by far the most adaptable of the lot . Predictably Uter started freaking out . I didn 't worry too much about that since Uter freaks out about going to her feeding bucket . Johnny Cakes was freaking out as I said already , and Cadie didn 't know what to make of the whole thing , she just wandered from room to room sniffing , trying to figure out what was going on . At one point she stopped in front of the big tank and seemed shocked to find there was a giant turtle in there , but then , I like to think that she recognized Johnny Cakes ' distress because she turned around and came back to the living room . At the same time Bender was just hanging out on her basking log . I spent the weekend house cleaning . I am the second worse housekeeper that I know of , and the apartment was a disaster , that was sorely in need of cleaning . So I chipped away at the dusting , laundry and bathroom on Saturday and did the kitchen and floors last night . I also spent some time last night preparing for the turtle invasion that is happening later tonight . Uncle Tim is moving , and it is going to take a couple of days for him to have his tank up and running again , so in the mean time his 2 turtles will be staying with me . So I had to go down to the storage locker , carefully bring out the spare tanks , and carefully haul them upstairs . From there I just had to clean them and fill them with water . But then I started to have some worries , what if Cadie tries to eat the new turtles , or jumps in and drowns in the tank . So that meant that I had to rearrange the furniture so that I could be sure that she would be safe . Anyhow , Tim 's turtles are very pretty , so stay tuned and I will post some pictures of them . Cadie hates cleaning , she doesn 't see enough of it to really understand what 's going on . All she knows is that her things are being picked up and moved around . Usually she hovers behind me or cowers on the couch . ( poor Cadie , last night I took the cushions off the couch and vacuumed there as well , displacing her again ) . In total I would say that I spent a good 3 hours a day ( 6 for the whole weekend cleaning ) . The really heartbreaking thing is that this is just the obvious stuff like dusting and floors . I still have a mountain of bills that need to be filed , the fridge looks like a bomb has gone off , and I 'd like to sort through my tea towels as well . Oh well , at least it 's a start . And if I 'm vigilant this time it won 't ever get so dirty again . Ha ! who am I kidding , I hate cleaning . What am I saying , it 's not that I hate cleaning , I can 't clean , it upsets the dog . Oh the other hand , I did do some cleaning that made me feel really good . I cleaned out my facebook friends , and deleted my ex and his friends . This cleaning has made me feel really good about things . Cadie and I had a great morning at the park , she ran , and chased her ball . We had a great " hike " then we were headed out of the park when Cadie caught sight of a squirrel and off she went . She took off through the brush , and all I could see or hear of her was the clinking of her name tags against each other . She came when I called her , but she was covered in burrs , and had a piece of leaf stuck on her eye ball . I have an eye ball aversion , I just can 't handle looking at or touching eye balls , but aversion or not , I had to get Cadie 's eye cleaned out , so we headed to the washroom and where I got the leaf out and started pulling the burrs out of her hair . When Cadie first started sleeping in the bed with me , as an older puppy I used to have nightmares that I would roll over on her and break her legs . I would wake up in a panic and check each one of her legs , go back to sleep for like an hour and then do it all over again . Cadie is unflappable , she usually slept througth the whole thing , but would drowzily pull a foot out of my hands if I bothered her too much . I remember one night in particular , when my sleep - addled panic had me saying out loud " I broke all 6 of her 4 legs " . However , Cadie was always fine , and it was just my overactive imagination . This fear stems from my last dog , Kaely , she fell down the stairs and broke her back left leg , it 's just so awful to watch them suffer , and so terribly expensive , it 's stayed with me . This morning was different . I didn 't give it a second thought , I came in and saw Cadie looking pitiful , which isn 't really that unusual , as she likes a good lie in , but when I called for her I realized something was wrong . Normally she hops up and runs to the door to wait for me , but today , she stayed on the bed , so I went over and scooped her up , wrapping my arms around her hind legs , and as I did so she cried out in pain . Putting her down I could see that she was holding the back left and still looking pitiful . I was really unsure of what to do , should I stay home and observe her , you know in case I need to take her to the vet . But then we opened the door to the building and Cadie got a nose full of fresh air , and she was off , trotting along like nothing was wrong , and I realized that it was all an act when after 5 minutes she tried to pull me off in the direction of the park . Sneaky little girl . Today is a work day , so I forced her home , where I made breakfast for us both , and as I sat down next to Cadie on the couch with my cereal she turned and gave me a pitiful look . Dogs , such manipulators . And what about me , who nearly fell for her tricks . I 've put off mentioning it , in spite of all my complaining about the humidity I have been reluctant to admit that fall is coming . We 're now at the end of August , and on my trip home from my mothers I noticed that the leaves are starting to change colour . I 've also noticed that there are more leaves in the bowls at the park . The sky looked so dark after work that I decided to drive Cadie up to the park . We had a good 25 minutes of tennis ball tossing in the baseball bowl , before we headed over to the trail . The plan was to go through the trail 3 or 4 times to make up for missing the walk up and down Mt . Pleasant . We got all the way around once when the rain started . At first it was good , the leaves made a perfect canopy , and we didn 't get wet at all . But then the rain really started and the canopy became saturated . Needless to say we only made it around the trail once before heading for the car . Thankfully I had put a towel in the car last week . We were soaked ! As you can see by the picture of Cadie above ( taken after 20 minutes after coming in from the storm ) so we sat on the towel and headed for home , where we 've been hiding out ever since . We start out by stopping in at the park nearest to us . As you can see it 's a great park , the reason we don 't really use it is that it 's a little too close . Cadie needs a god long walk before her run , as you saw earlier today , cutting out one element of her evening routine leaves her restless . We head right through the park and out onto street . We walk straight up Mt . Pleasant , window shopping and occasionally running into friends . We also pass a high school with a nice big lawn which always has some wonderful scents . As I 've said before the when we first go into Sherwood Park Cadie demands that I throw her tennis ball . So I throw it down into the first bowl , and across the floor of the valley . From there I grab her leash and take her up a steep hill into the baseball bowl where she likes to play catch for a good 20 to 30 minutes . A lot of her time there is spent laying around in the grass . The baseball bowl has a thick bed of long , verdant grass , it 's perfect for us . The hills make chasing tennis balls a lot more fun , and the soft grass is a nice cool place to sit and relax for a couple of minutes . I try not to keep her there too long . After a good run I take the ball and to then try to get Cadie to leave the baseball bowl . This takes some time , and involves a couple of sit ins . After which we head into the official off - leash area , which is a nice hiking trail . We go through the trail once . Trail is a wide , dirt path , with lots of big trees bordering it , and in some cases coming up right in the middle of the path . It also has a nice wooden bride that goes over a small creek . This path is very popular with dog owners , joggers and sometimes cyclists . So it 's great time to practice our recall and for me to teach Cadie to get out of the way of oncoming pedestrians , a skill I think every dog , needs whether they are urban dogs or not . So all that worry and concern was for nothing . Cadie is fine ; in fact it was me that ended up in bed early last night . After months of hot humid weather we finally had a good solid couple of days of rain , it started mid day on Saturday , and continued until late last night . The sky is still bleak this morning , but I did see the sun trying to peak out while I was driving in . Yesterday was the day when the whole weather situation finally caught up with me . I 'm prone to migraines and hot , humid and wet weather just does me in . Yesterday I started to feel the pain around about noon , but I 'm still new at my job , and I 've already had to call in once , so I forced myself to stick out the afternoon . I made it . I also managed to maintain verticality until after Cadie 's ( truncated ) walk , because I knew that she wouldn 't be able to sit still even though I wasn 't feeling well . The problem with the walk was that it started to drizzle just as we arrived at the park . We were already there , and I knew that Cadie wouldn 't allow herself to be taken home without going to the park at all , so I gave in and took her . Sherwood Park is shaped like a big bowl , one giant valley after another , ( it even has a baseball diamond at the bottom of one of it 's valley 's . I has assumed that it was no longer being used , because the kids in the outfield would be standing on a hill , but if you get to the park about 7 o ' clock you 'll see tons of little kids all wearing the same shirt and throwing baseballs back and forth , so I guess they still use it . ) Normally , I toss the ball for Cadie down into the first bowl , and across the floor of the valley , then we head over to the baseball bowl where she likes to play catch for a good 20 to 30 minutes ( I believe that if Cadie were a child she 'd have me at baseball and soccer games every evening ) . After which we head into the official off - leash area , which is a nice hiking trail . We go through the trail once , about 15 minutes , and then we head up the hill to the first valley . I toss the ball across the valley floor , heading out of the park this time . Then I grab Cadie 's leash and try to pull her to the top of the bowl , where she gets a liver treat for being such a great little dog . It takes 5 to 10 minutes to get Cadie out of the park . Afterwards we head home ( about 30 minutes ) . The whole thing takes a little more than 2 hours . Last night though , as I said we got there just as it was starting to rain , so I took Cadie into the first bowl , toss the tennis ball and then started the fight to leave the park ( it took 15 minutes last night ) , then we walked home , where I forced myself to stay awake . Poor Cadie , she doesn 't understand that her mommy doesn 't feel well , so she kept trying to play , and I kept dozing off trying to relieve the pressure between my ears . Anyhow I am keeping a close eye on the weather , if it 's sunny , I might even take Cadie to the beach tonight , we 'll have a lot of pent - up energy to get rid of . Cadie is doing well . I took her out for a bio break about an hour after my last post . While we were out she caught sight of a beach ball . so I grabbed it for her ( I intend to take it to the park tonight after work ) , but she was so excited , she danced , and jumped and barked and carried on . Needless to say no " work " was accomplished with that outing . I tried to put her to bed , but she wouldn 't have it , instead she sat in front of the closet door , waiting for a chance to leap in there and grab her new , most favourite toy . This will not be a long post , but I 'm a little worried , and I believe that sharing might make me feel better . I had my bother and his girlfriend over tonight for a nice Sunday dinner . While I was preparing food I brought out a stick of butter to let it soften up . I was very sure that I had pushed it far enough back , and I don 't know exactly how it happened , but Cadie has eaten 90 % of it . This can give the dogs vomiting , diarrhea and lethargy . . . so far Cadie has none of this , but I won 't be here long as I am going to go and fuss over her . What , you may be wondering , could possibly justify such a momentous headline ? I overcame one of my biggest fears today . The biggest fear I have is of getting fired from my job , I did not overcome this fear , as I think a healthy fear of the unknown is a good thing . No , today I pumped my own gas ! Does that feel anti - climatic ? I 'm truly sorry for this , but you have to realize this is a huge thing for me to overcome . I did it all by myself . C was there , she can vouch for my new - found gas pumping abilities . This morning on my way to work I was listening to the radio personalities talk about the feeling of success . Honestly I wasn 't listening all that closely , but I think there was some talk about a study that recorded and compared some responses to survey questions , the most " shocking " was that successful people don 't always feel successful . At this moment , with my current accomplishments under my belt I can 't help but feel successful . But I know that this feeling is fleeting . I know that I could well wake up tomorrow and look at the dishes piled up in my sink , and the never ending pile of unread books beside my bed , and that fact that my mother doesn 't even read this blog and feel totally weighed down by my failures . However bleak this thought may be I intend to focus on the positive on this , the coolest , and most fabulous Friday evening we 've had yet this summer . The positive is this : Successful people are successful for a couple of reasons ; yes , they work hard ; sure , they sometimes get lucky ; of course they have passion ; but those people who are truly successful are so because they are never satisfied , instead they keep pushing themselves to achieve more . So , I will keep pushing myself , but in the mean time I intend to celebrate an handful of my accomplishments : So that brings us to weight reduction ; I 've been working hard , not as hard as I should , but I 've been working to try to get some of the extra weight off . The problem is that my new shoes have given me extremely painful blisters on my pinky toes . Part of the work I 've been doing to help bring the finances under control involves writing about the treatment of foot ulcers . Now , I know that blisters aren 't foot ulcers , but , if this work has taught me nothing else , it 's that you have to do right by your feet . This means that I have been on hiatus from my exercise routine . There 's no way that Cadie can go without her walk , and my feet needed a break … but it 's been a long time , and I needed to get back in the swing of things so I decided to do my Pilates tape . This tape is an ab workout tape , which was great for me ; my feet only needed to take Cadie for her walk , then I got off my feet for the duration of the workout ( only 30 minutes , which is even better ) . So I got on the floor and started working my way through the breathing exercises , when Cadie caught sight of me . Any time a dog catches you on the floor it 's a big deal to them . Naturally they assume that you have gotten down to their level so that you can play and love them . So there I was flat on my back , trying to concentrate on my breathing when a little head threw itself down on my soft belly and demanded to have her ears scratched . This went on for the next 30 minutes . If you 've never done Pilates you may not know that it can be quite painful , especially if it 's been a long time since the last time you did this workout . Pilates is even harder and more painful when you have a 19 - pound lump sitting on your stomach . However , until my feet recover , I think this is going to be the way to go . I have been fortunate enough to have a benefactor . That 's right a benefactor , I don 't another person who can make that claim , and even if they could , I suspect that my benefactor is much more generous . This last weekend my benefactor gave me a car . I KNOW ! I am super excited to be mobile . I drive to work now , and I am saving myself about 40 minutes a day in the commute , but I am now able to do small things like stop after work for groceries , rather than having to set time aside for it during the week . So I decided to stop on my way home . What I didn 't know is that my neighborhood pet food store decided to close an hour early this week , so I was getting there just as they were locking the door . Grrr . Oh well , no problem , Cadie hopped into the passenger seat and headed out . We went to 3 pet food stores before we finally found her food , but then , since we were already out that way we decided to stop in at Sunnybrook Park . Cadie loves a good park , and she although she has only been to Sunnybrook once , it seems to be a favourite . I have no idea why , but there you have it . I made the mistake of taking her leash off and getting her back was a real struggle . She was having so much fun , she refused to come anywhere near me , in case I was intending to make her leave the park ( but it 's unreasonable , we can 't live at the dog park ) So away she went , where she played and played , refusing to come to me when it was time to go . I almost lost her , except that a friend of mine was able to grab her collar . So we hopped back in the car and headed for home , and thanks to Hermione ( my car 's name ) Cadie was able to have a nice dinner . Yesterday morning I woke to find that I did not have any breakfast foods at home , so I made the decision to stop and do my groceries on my way home . It was great . I often stop for some groceries on my way home from work , but it was just great to be able to get everything done , in one fell swoop . Last night we also had to pop over to my brother 's apartment to feed his turtles , they are huge , and were very happy to see us come in . Once the turtles were all provided for we decided to head over to Eglinton Park . Cadie has been there exactly once too , though she doesn 't seem to love it as much as she does Sunnybrook ( Go figure , dogs are weird sometimes ) . Anyhow , tonight the grand tour of Toronto 's best parks continues , and I am hoping to get her back to Sherwood . Are there any other fab parks we should take in while we 're at it ? One of the things I have wanted for the longest time is a digital frame . I feel like we have so many wonderful pictures , capturing adorable moments for posterity , sitting idly on the internet , or forgotten is someone 's my pictures file . Just this morning I found this fantastic snap shot of Cadie as a little puppy . She 's so tired and tiny in this photo that it almost makes me forget how tough those puppy months were . I have some friends who take beautiful pictures of their pets . My photographic style is to " get lucky " to wait until I manage to catch Cadie in a perfect position . Alternatively I shoot like a maniac and hope that of the 25 pictures shot during that moment in time that 10 % of them or more will be useable . This is not a good technique I know , but I have some pretty good pictures as a result . Still I have to ask myself : what is the purpose of taking pictures if we forget to put them some place where we can see them . I do have a frame that I 've been meaning to fill for some time with photos . The problem is that this is an old school frame , requiring hard copies , and I haven 't made time to turn my digital pictures into hard copies , so the frame goes unused . At any rate , I 'm glad I have the pictures , and I 'm glad I found these pictures , puppies , like babies , are only small for so long , and while I couldn 't handle owing a perma - puppy , it 's nice to be able to look back at those days nostalgically . Cadie loves her tennis balls . Last night she got really lucky . It was pouring after work , and hot weather meant that the water was warm ; it felt like walking in a running shower . Cadie isn 't much for walking in the rain , and frankly this is one of the quirks that I love about her . So we went out for about 15 minutes . But I decided that I would make it up to her by taking her out to my building 's backyard . We share a fence with a private tennis club , and sometimes the yard will be full of lost tennis balls . So much the better for us . Cadie has an impressive collection . She has at least 1 bucket full of tennis balls , and a dresser drawer that is half full of tennis balls . In spite of this enviable collection , each newly found tennis ball is a treasure that only Cadie can fully appreciate . As I said , last night she got lucky ; the yard was full of tennis balls . She eagerly ran to each tennis ball in turn , while I followed along behind her . Eventually , after having sniffed every tennis ball in the yard , she ran back towards the porch , ducked under and selected a tennis ball from the bucket . I used this opportunity to grab a couple of other tennis balls . This is going to sound like I spoil her , but , the highlight of Cadie 's day is finding a new tennis ball , so if I see 2 or 3 loose tennis balls I grab them and hide them in my dog walking bag . Then I place them strategically , while Cadie isn 't looking . This way she finds a new tennis ball almost everyday . So while I was filling my bag , Cadie selected a sodden tennis ball from the bucket , and then indicated that she was ready to go in . So I helped Cadie in the house , by taking the tennis ball , and lifting her up to the landing , ( the stairs here are grates , very uncomfortable for little dog feet ) . While I was helping her , I made up my mind that I would give the tennis ball a bit of a dry , nothing special , I grabbed some paper towel and just did a light drying . Cadie eagerly grabbed the ball and headed for the couch . I didn 't think anything of it , this is our routine really . I went about my business , getting her supper , starting mine . It was after I turned the water off that I head this disgusting squishing sound coming from the couch . So I made up my mind that that particular tennis ball had to go , I went over and took it from Cadie . At first I thought that I would leave it in the bathroom sink to see if it might dry out . Cadie was like a dog possessed ; she refused to leave the bathroom , and sat , straight at attention , never taking her eyes off the spot where she knew she could find her tennis ball . So I kicked her out of the bathroom and shut the door . She spent the next 2 hours scratching at the door . I didn 't know what else to do , so I gave her one of the other balls I had grabbed . No go , she wanted the one in the bathroom . Fortunately by this time the rain had completely stopped and I could take her out for a walk . We did a short walk , up and down the beltline . Then on my way home I tried to plant a new tennis ball . This was a disaster . The ball bounced a foot off the ground , and rolled downhill into the street . Of course Cadie saw the ball , and was staining at the end of her leash to get to it . The cars meanwhile are trying to hold back so as not to run over the crazy dog lunging for a ball . Chaotic it 's true , but short lived nonetheless , the traffic soon cleared and Cadie got her new tennis ball . I feeling like I had finally won the battle of the tennis ball , happily headed for home . As soon as we stepped in the apartment Cadie headed for the bathroom to try to find the first tennis ball . It was no drier , and in fact , seemed to be wetter , so I made the decision that I would through it out as soon as the warden 's back was turned . I got my opportunity about 2 hours later , Cadie had some sort of food that she was chomping away on , and I flew to the bathroom to get rid of the ball while she was otherwise occupied . I only had 2 minutes ; Cadie was in the bathroom looking for her long , lost toy by the time I got back . So I lifted her up , and she gave the counter a sniff , and then accepted the tennis ball as lost . By the time I was finished in the bathroom that night Cadie , looking pretty dejected , had already put herself to bed . Once again I took Cadie home with high hopes that she could expend some energy in my mother gigantic backyard . This time the weather held , and Cadie had a fantastic romp . She chased sticks , lounged in the long grass and ate and tennis ball , it was everything a little dog could want out of life . While Cadie was living the good life my mom and I sat on the patio , drinking tea and chatting . She 's been on vacation for the last 2 weeks , which means that she is full of stories about the beach at Port Dover , the sales in the mall , and what the future holds for her . My mom is now about 5 years away from retiring and she is starting to think about a plan . You know the things you will do once you are retired and have all day to sit around and watch day - time television . Since my mother is not even a little bit interested in day - time television , especially since Oprah announced her own retirement , which means that mom needs " a plan " something to do that makes getting out of bed worthwhile . In the middle of our conversation about her future my mother turned to me and said . " Do you know what would be a great idea ? You should start a blog about Cadie . " I gave her a funny look and told her that I am already blogging about Cadie . She tried to laugh it off , but her statement is already out there , and now I have to ask , is anyone reading this ? The world is heavy with humidity , it 's kind of like walking at the bottom on Lake Ontario . Cadie and I headed out for our evening walk , full of spirit . But after 30 minutes or so we were both dragging . It was the longest walk that I think we 've ever been on together . I mean , not literally , but it felt like the longest . So we stumbled home and into the shower , that helped a lot . If tomorrow is like this we won 't be walking . Uter meanwhile is loving the weather it is 28 degrees in her tank , and she is currently spying on from under her dock . Until a turtle moved into my home I had no idea they were such stalkers . But , at least someone is enjoying the weather . Instead I took Cadie to visit my grandmother . My grandmother moved into a retirement home in January and she is having a tough time adapting . Because she wasn 't sleeping my mother decided not to call her ahead of time to let her know I was coming . This sounds really thoughtless , but the thinking behind it was not that we would catch my grandma off guard , rather , if we tell her I 'm coming and something goes wrong the plan has to change we don 't want to upset her . Anyhow , Cadie was originally bred to be a therapy dog , and taking her into the retirement home is so rewarding . All of my grandmother 's neighbors are thrilled to see the dog . They hover over her and make a huge fuss about how cute she is , and how nice it is to see a dog again . All of this attention puts Cadie on cloud nine . She laps it up like it 's food . Grandma seems to like it too before I could even sit down she asked me how many people down stairs had seen me with the dog , and did they know we were there to visit her . It 's good to be wanted , and it makes me happy to know that Cadie brings so much joy to people , it kind of takes the edge off my disappointment .

Boundless Joy Arising Ten years ago , my husband and I traveled 5 , 000 miles to Perm , Russia to adopt a 14 month old baby girl . We traveled 5 , 000 miles back home with her to Boston . And then our journey really began . . . I wanted to give you an update on Yelena as she seems to be struggling right now and any help you can give her on this issues would be appreciated . My husband and I have noticed that she is throwing her meds in the toilet . We have been trying to have her swallow them in our presence but mostly she refuses . When questioned about it , she says that she doesn 't want to talk about it . We have told her that if they make her feel odd or bad in any kind of way , she needs to let the doctor know and we can change dosages , etc . We are going to talk to her meds provider about the med situation . I know she hasn 't been taking the Concerta but I am not entirely sure about the others . Last week , she stole $ 40 . from my wallet which was in my locked car in the drive way . She took my keys which I found in the kitchen . I asked her for the money back and she didn 't deny she had taken it . I spent quite a long time with her and she finally said she would write down what happened . She gave me $ 7 . change and said she had the other $ 20 in her pocket . I asked her what she had bought and she told me she had bought a sprite . I told her that was a very expensive drink and she admitted buying a box of cookies at the gas station down the street . I don 't know if she spent the rest of the money or still had it . I asked her to go through her room with me and we could take out other items that did not belong to her and return them . We found several of my husband 's shirts , a nice set of headphones and a leather binder . She has decided that she will only wear my husband 's shirts and her black jeans . Unfortunately , this means that my husband doesn 't have any shirts because every time I take them out of her room , she just steals them back again . The other day I said something like : " I notice you really like those black jeans . Do you want to go shopping and get another pair ? " She responded that she didn 't want to talk about it . She has not washed the jeans in weeks . Every once in awhile when I insist , she takes them downstairs and then brings them back upstairs about 1 / 2 hour later ( not possibly long enough to wash and dry them ) and she shows me they are warm and smell like the dryer sheets ( but they haven 't been washed . ) Her personal hygiene has been deteriorating as well . When I do get her to take a shower , I am not sure that she is using soap or shampoo . I put the shampoo in the bathroom in a particular way and it hasn 't been moved in weeks although she does wet her hair and use conditioner . She puts the same dirty clothes back on after her shower . Sometimes , we use taking a shower or changing her clothes as a prerequisite to a privilege such as watching her DVD player or Netflix . The other nigPosted by Tomorrow we will drive Yelena to Maine for 3 - 1 / 2 weeks at camp . This is a milestone that I wasn 't sure was going to happen this year . It was touch and go for awhile but then my husband and I sat down and decided that no matter what was happening with her , we would do everything we could to try to get her to camp . We are almost there . . . I happen to love libraries . I spent a large part of my childhood at the main branch of the Brooklyn Public Library looking at books . Yelena spends her days there on the computer going back and forth between a mind boggling mixture of Disney , anime , music videos and pornography . I went to check on her the other day and I asked the reference librarian what he would do if he saw a child in the library watching pornography . He said that he would do nothing . I asked if that was the official policy and he said that he didn 't know what the policy was . I asked to speak to his supervisor . I ended up speaking to a lovely woman who used to be a librarian in the children 's room and has known Yelena for years . She said that the policy of the library was not to turn a blind eye to children doing potentially dangerous things on a computer and she would definitely go up to Yelena if she saw her watching something inappropriate and tell her that it was inappropriate . She said that she would find the exact wording of their policy and send an email out to all employees . Part of the reason that Yelena has refused to go back to school is because she said that it wasn 't any fun . Did someone say high school was supposed to be fun ? ? ? Also , the therapist that she has had at school for the past three years and who she has been very close to , has decided to retire and told Yelena that her second day there . When I suggested that she might want to go to school to see Dr . M . , Yelena said that she never wanted to see her again for the rest of her life and then proceeded to get very close to a tantrum on the subject . I think the strength of her reaction only belies exactly how hurt she is about losing Dr . M . This loss and the transition from middle school to high school has just about done us all in . Had I known that she would not be going to school , I would have sent her to camp for the entire summer . Hindsight is 20 / 20 . I am thinking however , about planning a pleasant day with my husband after we drop Yelena at camp . I would like to explore an area we have never been before : find a new beach , lie on the sand for a few hours , a lobster roll , a beer , a swim in the ocean . Relax . Together . Just two of us . Yelena had a rough day yesterday . She was ready to go to school and then because the van was late , she said , " I am not going to school if the bus is going to make me be late again " and went upstairs again . She came back down because I needed her to unlock the phone before I sent it to school ( and remove the pornography ) . She got angry and started walking down the street . She spent the whole day at the library on the computer . When I went to get her at 6 pm , I decided to take a different tactic with her than " You need to come home now " because I knew that would not work . I pulled a chair up next to her and she shoved me and told me to go away . I said " I need a hug . " No response . I said it again and she said " Well , you don 't deserve one . " I did not say anything and I got up and walked away feeling really hurt . I realized a little later that she probably meant that SHE didn 't deserve it . She came home at 9 pm ( when the library closes ) and was very pleasant . ( That was 12 hours on the computer in the library ) . She ate dinner and then lay with her head in my lap for about 1 / 2 and hour before she went to bed . I said that I knew this was a rough transition and I asked her how it was going at school and she said , " so - so . " I had asked her if she wanted to go to camp and told her that she didn 't have to if she didn 't want to ( inspire of the fact that I have already paid several thousand dollars for it ) . She responded emphatically that she did want to go . She had said the other day after she stole the phone at home ( very sadly ) , " I guess this means I won 't be going to camp . " So I was thinking that either she was expecting that as a consequence or that she really didn 't want to go and was stealing so that we would tell her she could not go to camp . I am still not sure . She repeated yesterday how much she wanted to go to camp and I responded by saying that her actions were not indicating that . I asked if she wanted to go to a CBAT or to the hospital and she said she didn 't want to be away from her family again like that again for so long . Personally , I do want her to go to camp this summer because ( aside from the money I already spent ) , my husband and I can really use a 3 - 1 / 2 week vacation . Yelena told me last night that she didn 't want to go to school today because she was scared . I think she is worried about whatever consequence there might be at school for taking H 's iPhone ( she told me that he had loaned it to her . ) I said she had to go to school anyway and she said that yes , she knew that . I think she might be embarrassed about facing H and nervous because she doesn 't know how much the other students know about what happened . She had trouble getting up this morning and has not had a shower since Monday night . I heard the cab honk their horn a few minutes ago and ran downstairs . ( She had also forgotten her meds which I took down to her and she said : " Oh , I thought I had taken them . " I leave them on the bathroom sink - it 's obvious . ) I looked outside and realized the cab was stopped 1 / 2 way down the street with cars piling up behind him so I ran down the street in my nightgown and asked him to please turn around and come into our driveway . He said he didn 't know where the house was . Anyway , he did turn around and come back and honked and Yelena was sitting there eating pizza with a knife and fork and I said , " It 's 10 after 8 and they are waiting for you , " ( the bus is supposed to come at 7 : 45 and she said , " I have not finished eating my breakfast . " I said put in on a paper plate and go . " She kept eating . I think if I hadn 't gone downstairs when I did , she might not have gotten on the bus … Stealing three phones and an iPod within the space of two weeks is a lot of theft even for Yelena . It could be the transition to high school , anxiety about the summer or something else . I know that she has got to be pretty upset about her therapist at school leaving because she hasn 't said one word to me about it and I haven 't asked her . Ah yes , the etymology of the phrase " it 's raining cats and dogs " . . . There are a number of versions running around on the internet . I like these two : So . . . To take up where I left off . After our 9 hour visit to the ER , we took Yelena back to the ER the following Friday . Her return to the ER was also recommended by our in - home therapist and our family partner 's concern for Yelena 's safety and our safety . My husband made a list of everything that had happened in the past two weeks and it was quite a formidable list . Our family partner wrote the list down . This is the list : Unfortunately , we got to the ER on a Friday evening of a holiday weekend and Yelena 's ER visit turned into a SIX DAY STAY IN THE ER . It still blows my mind to think about it . Totally inappropriate . They kept moving her around from room to room and finally ended up putting her in the area with locked doors and guards . Then began a totally fruitless daily effort to try to get her out of there : emails and phone calls to everyone we could think of . We were told that there would be no CBAT beds for two weeks . Her therapist from school said that April and a great time . She stayed in bed , watched TV all she wanted and had her meals delivered to her . She had a group of Child Life Specialists who brought her games , art materials , a portable DVD player and videos . And this went on for six days . On Wednesday , I was told that she would be moved to an inpatient hospital about an hour south of us . Also , aside from being an impossibly far distance to visit regularly , it was a hospital with a lousy reputation . I hadn 't hear ANYTHING good about it . My husband and I were on the phone all day ( not unusual ) - back and forth between each other , the ER , the agency that was looking for a bed , the psychiatrist . I was told that she had to go to an inpatient facility as the psychiatrist in the ER would not allow her to go to a CBAT . I called the psychiatrist and was given a very short and smug reply . She essentially told me she was too busy to talk and I asked her , please , to just listen to me for a minute and she said no . She called me back a little while later to tell me that my daughter was going to an inpatient facility . I was furious . She was not able to hear me . I asked to speak to her supervisor and she said " I 'm not sure " and I said " What ? You 're not sure of what ? You 're not sure who your supervisor is ? " She said " No , I know who my supervisor is . I 'm not sure you can talk to her . " The attitude and bad vibe she was giving off was unbelievable . I begged her to consider a CBAT instead of in - patient but it all fell on deaf ears . I called the agency that was looking for the bed and asked what would happen if I refused to sign her in . The woman told me that if I refused , they would probably would file a 51A against me - which is effectively telling the State of Massachusetts that we are abusing our child . It 's what everyone seems to threaten me with when they are trying to force me to do something I don 't want to do for Yelena . Something that I don 't think is in her BEST INTEREST . The State of Massachusetts and I seem to disagree about what is in Yelena 's best interests . A NOTE ON IN - PATIENT HOSPITAL PROGRAMS vs . CBAT PROGRAMS ( Community Based Acute Treatment ) : In hospitals , you cannot be forced to do anything . You don 't have to take a shower , you don 't have to wash your hair or brush your teeth or change your clothes or wash your clothes . You can watch TV all day if you want to . You can stay in bed all day if you want to . You can use the telephone as much as you want to call anyone you want and anyone can call you . There is very little to no therapeutic work done with patients . A CBAT is a highly structured , and monitored therapeutic milieu and crisis stabilization program where there is a very specific schedule that takes into account all of the above . As a parent you specify who can be in communication with your child and who they are allowed to call . They have regular exercise and school work . Males and females are strictly segregated . To my mind , the CBAT is much more highly structured ( which Yelena needs ) and far more therapeutic . There was a basketball court opposite the door to the hospital wing where Yelena was . I asked her if they ever went out to play basketball ( which she loves ) and she said no . They were confined to a small courtyard that the adult patients also used . They ate meals in a cafeteria with adult patients . None of those things are appropriate for Yelena . She told me that the adult patients used the courtyard to smoke cigarette and crack ( no , I didn 't ask her if she knew what crack was because I know she has no idea . ) Yelena called me about 20 times a day while she was there - for no real reason I think but just because it was something to do . I didn 't answer ALL the calls . . . They released Yelena from the hospital on Wednesday . She is scheduled to start a partial hospitalization program on Tuesday for 2 weeks . It covers her for the vacation between middle school and high school but leaves us with a number of days with no plans for her - not a good condition under which to release her from the hospital . I spent most of the day with her today which is my day off from work . I feel like there is a kind of institutionalization setting in . She is now spending more time in hospitals and other programs than she is at home . She said she was really tired and needs to rest ( ? ) I said : you have been resting for two weeks , you need to get out an do a little activity . I told her that her in - home therapeutic mentor is coming tomorrow . She said : " Oh no , I just got out of the hospital . Give me a break . You can 't make me get out of bed tomorrow . " I said " She 's coming at 11 and what happens after that is between the two of you . We went shopping and she refused to help bring the groceries in from the car and help put them away - she made herself a sandwich instead and sat down to eat . She learns a lot about how to behave from the other kids in the hospital and they are not there because their behavior is exemplary . She is graduating from 8th grade on Wednesday . Her teacher said that all of the kids get dressed up in really nice clothes . I have been asking about what she wants to wear and asking to take her shopping . She says she won 't wear a dress . I have suggested a number of things and she just says no . She only wears dirty baggy jeans and old T - shirts . I think I want her to get dressed properly for once so she will not feel out of place and be embarrassed but I really can 't protect her from that and she needs to find out for herself . She is wearing bras that are about 2 sizes too small and she refuses to go with me to get new ones . Ok , I am going to leave it alone . Not one more word out of my mouth . I swear . We spent about 9 hours last night in the ER after my husband called the police . It was a kind of craziness that he ended up calling the cops in the first place - he thought that she was escalating but I didn 't . Everyone ( the staff at the hospital , Yelena , myself and my husband ) felt kind of 50 / 50 about having her admitted . In the end , she wanted to come home and we brought her home . I don 't really feel that 2 weeks in a CBAT is a solution . It is a vacation - TV , movies , junk food and trips . It is a break but it doesn 't address any of the issues . The other morning , I found her wallet on her bed in plain view ( almost as if she had put it there for me to find ) and it had $ 75 in it in 5 dollar bills - an unusual denomination for so many bills so we thought it might have come from some place specific . She had gone to the library without permission on Wednesday and Thursday nights and was there for about 5 or 6 hours each time . I called the library and they said that they were not missing money from their cash registers . I asked Yelena about it and pushed her a bit . At first she said that she had had it for a week and she honestly didn 't remember where she got it from . Right . The she finally told us before she left the hospital that she had gotten it from a kirtan / music that we had all gone to about a month ago where there was a basket that people put their contributions in . It makes some sense but I still don 't think that 's the truth . I know that it 's not the right thing to push her for the truth ( partially since I am not getting anywhere ) but it 's driving me nuts . I am also missing a gold necklace my mother gave me that is very valuable . She says she has no idea what I am talking about . I have torn the house upside down but I can 't find it . She is probably getting quite a buzz off of me for all this . I have been trying to talk to her and I keep hearing in the back of my head you saying that we talk to our children too much . I think this episode is far from over yet … This morning after I woke her up for school ( at 5 : 45 AM ) , Yelena turned on her Frozen CD really loud . Her boom - box is on the other side of the wall that separates our bedrooms and it is right near my head . I banged on the wall and asked her to lower the volume ( which I have done before with no ill effects . ) She didn 't lower the volume so I asked again . Her response was to storm into my room and tell me that she didn 't want me banging on her wall and then she slammed the door really hard as she left the room . My husband got up to go to the bathroom and she yelled at him as well and then came in our room again and slammed the door a second time for emphasis . My husband went to the Y . My husband told me this morning that she ate some chocolate covered strawberries that the girls bought that were in the fridge with their name on them . Ten dollars worth . They need to actually hide them not just put their name on them . I called my husband this afternoon from work to see how things were going after she came home . He said that he was in the kitchen with everyone and he said to Yelena : " This would be a really good time to apologize to W . for eating her chocolate covered strawberries . " Apparently she apologized and my husband said that they had cost $ 10 . and that he had already reimbursed the girls and expected that she would reimburse him . When I came home from work , Yelena was very surly towards me . I said that I was going to make us a big salad with everything in it and she said she didn 't want salad . Everyone else was going out to eat dinner and to listen to my husband sing at a local restaurant . I took some chicken out of the freezer and she said " I don 't want chicken either . " She asked why I was so angry with her and I said that I didn 't feel close to her and I felt like she was pushing me away . She said that she knew she wasn 't going to be allowed to go to Karate tomorrow . I said that Daddy and I had to discuss it . She said that she knew we had thrown out her DVD player and all her Avatar ( the Last Airbender ) books and DVD 's and all I said was they they were being kept safe for her . She laughed and said " Yeah , safe in the garbage . " She repeated these accusations several times but I didn 't say anything further , I decided on risotto and started cutting onions and mushrooms . I had a large kitchen knife which she took and pointed at me . I didn 't blink . I told her to please put the knife down several times which she did not do . She held it up to herself and said she would cut herself and I said that I didn 't think so . She said " Well , I will use it . I have already committed suicide several times already . " It was hard not to laugh . My husband was still at home and about to leave . He told me to leave and go to a friends house . I got my bag and my computer but Yelena beat me out of the door and went and stood in front of my car door so that I couldn 't get into my car . We went back into the house and I went back to cooking my risotto . I told my husband to go and he told me that he wanted to be sure that I was safe ( and that we were both safe ) and to call him later . I went to say goodbye to him and coming back into the kitchen , Yelena blocked the door . I said " Excuse me " several times but she made no effort to move . She told me that she was a lot stronger than I was and I couldn 't stop her from doing whatever she wanted to . I forced my way into the kitchen to turn off the stove . She encircled me like a coat so I couldn 't move . I got free and I grabbed my purse and headed out to the car . She followed me and said : " If you want me , I will be at the library " and she took off down the street . I got in my car and then decided to follow her a little ways . She looked like she was about to turn around to go home but saw me and continued on her way . I went to get some Sushi . When I got home at 9 : 30 , all the lights in the house were on . The kitchen was a mess . She had eaten leftover pizza and had not cleaned up . I started washing dishes . She came into the kitchen and said " I 'm sorry , Mommy . " I said that I knew she was sorry and I kissed her on the forehead . I asked her to clean up her dishes ( while I finished the 1 / 2 made risotto ) . She cleaned up and then she said she was going up to bed . The child is thinking , and receiving vibrational thought from you on the day that he enters your environment . That is the reason that beliefs are transmitted so easily from parent to child , from parent to child , from parent to child . The child is vibrationally receiving your fears , your beliefs , even without your spoken word . . . If you want to do that which is of greatest value for your child , give thought only to that which you want , and your child will receive only those wanted thoughts . - - - Abraham Yelena has had a " boyfriend " for a couple of years . He is a boy who she met at camp so ( conveniently ) she only saw him about four weeks a year . We will call him Sam . After the summer she met Sam she came home with a very jam packed suitcase . When I was throwing everything into the wash , I found a note from her to Sam . I think she never gave it to him because she still had it but she wrote it . It said something like : " I will meet you after dinner behind the dining hall and I will show you mine if you will show me yours . " I think that was the moment when I first started thinking about contraception or ( an even better solution ) getting her tubes tied . Last summer when she went to camp she told me that she was going to kiss him . I said " Nothing more than that OK ? " She agreed . When she came home I asked her if they had kissed and she said that they had and she was very happy . I thought it was all very sweet ( not sure about innocent though ) . Last summer , I picked her up at camp and she was upset about Sam . She asked to use my cell phone to call him and I did let her have it . And , yes , I listened to the conversation . . . Apparently something had happened and she wouldn 't really tell me what it was but when she spoke to him , she wanted to talk about this " thing " that had happened . She said it was all a misunderstanding and he hung up on her . She called again , they talked for a few minutes and he hung up on her again . She called again and he didn 't answer the phone . She tried a few more times and then stopped . In the middle of the winter she decided to give it another try and called him again . This time he spoke to her and they made up and they were all lovey - dovey again . He sent her a Valentine and a birthday card and they talked on the phone frequently . She seemed happy . A few months ago she told me that they spoken and he had broken up with her again . She was crying and distraught . It made me very sad and I asked her to tell me the whole story . What she told me was that she had told another girl in her bunk ( let 's call her Lauren ) that there was another boy that she really liked . I asked her who that was and she said it was Ethan , who she had met in second grade . She hasn 't seen him since fourth grade and she is now in eighth grade . Apparently , Lauren told Sam that Yelena had another boyfriend and Sam was angry so he broke up with Yelena . Yelena was sure that Lauren told him that because she wanted him for herself . Yelena also told me that Lauren had tried to kill her and was then sent home in the middle of the summer . Where the truth lies is anyone 's guess . So apparently , Sam was talking to Lauren again and she encouraged him to break up with Yelena . Then Sam told some of his friends at school what had happened and all his friends told him that he should break up with her so that was what he did . I told her that she didn 't want a guy who breaks up with her because his friends tell him to . Yelena is in eighth grade and at the end of the year they have a " Moving On " ceremony . The ceremony is at 6 , then there is a dinner at 7 ( her teacher said that this means pizza ) and then a dance until 10 . About a month ago , Yelena came home with the very happy news that someone had invited her to the dance ! I asked her who it was and she said that it was a guy in her science class named Nick ( all names are changed to protect the guilty ) . She said it was no big deal as she has known him since 6th grade . I asked her what she was going to wear and she said she wasn 't sure . She said that she was " consulting " with her best friend trying to help her figure out her outfit for the ceremony and party . Yelena is a tomboy who wears nothing but basketball sneakers , blue jeans and her father 's T - shirts which she steals with alarming regularity . Her best friend is what Yelena would call a " girly girl " and always wears really nice clothes , is interested in fashion and looks very put together . Yelena is going to help her get dressed ? The other day , I was at a school event and I asked her teacher about Nick . She said that she had never heard of anyone named Nick . She asked another one of the teachers who accompanies Yelena to her science class ( which is a mainstream class ) if she knew anything about Nick and she also said that she had no idea who he was . I am starting to get worried here . I asked them to see what they could find out . A few days later , I got an email from her teacher that went like this : We found out about Nick and he is a very popular 8th grader who plays football . Yelena says hi to him but Kathy ( the other teacher ) has never seen them talking to each other . I do not know how accurate this is that he asked her to the dance . She has never mentioned it in class or to any other kids . I talked to the staff at school and they said 8th Graders do not typically ask each other to the dances , they go in groups . Well , tonight my husband and I were doing the dishes and Yelena had already gone upstairs . She came back into the kitchen a little while later and said that she was depressed . I asked her why . She said that she had been upstairs and the phone had rang and she answered it . I have to say right here that the phone is my husbands business phone and normally no one ever answers it including my husband . She said that she answered the phone and it was Sam calling to tell her that he was sorry and that he wanted to get back together again . She said that she told him that he had had his last chance and it was over between the two of them . She was very proud of herself for telling him off and my husband cheered her on . Yelena told Sam that she was in love with someone else anyway . I asked who that might be and she told me that it was Nick . Nick the Phantom . . . Friday is my day off . Yelena came home carrying a new bag today . It is a black and blue small duffle bag with a Nike insignia on it . She may have had it for awhile - but I am not usually home when she gets home so I am not sure how long she has had it . When , I saw it I said " Oh , you have a new bag . " She said " Yes " and I asked " Where did you get it from ? " and she said " I forgot . " She also has a gold chain necklace hanging out of her pocket which does not belong to her either . To Be Continued . . . Well , this is the thing : my sweet adorable baby girl who I love beyond reason , stole an axe . This was not a small little hatchet but a large regular sized axe that could cut down a tree ( or whatever else which I shudder to think about it . ) Axe as in " Lizzie Borden took an axe . . . " She stole it out of our neighbor 's shed ( which I thought was locked but my dear baby girl has a way with locks . ) My husband spoke to our neighbor about this today and confirmed that it was his axe . He said that our neighbor was " concerned " about safety issues . Yeah , so am I . She has a way with locks and also a way of knowing then to strike if something is left unlocked and unattended for two minutes or less . And she can find whatever she wants in two seconds flat and be out before you know she was ever gone . When she was a toddler , we would go to the beach and I would turn my head for a split second and she was gone . I would find her later half way down the beach sitting on a stranger 's blanket eating potato chips . You know the expression : " May you be in heaven a full half - hour before the devil knows you 're dead . Kind of like that . The thing is that this happened in October - probably a good six months ago and we never knew . So our anger seems a little misplaced right now . Anger ? That 's not it exactly . There is really a sense of sheer terror about this situation . That axe was sitting under the snow for months . I am sure that she probably totally forgot about it and if we spoke to her about it , I 'm sure she would say something like " that was months ago and you are not allowed to talk to me about this now . " Yelena is not self destructive . Her idea of a suicidal act is breaking a pencil in half and making scratch marks on her arm . I don 't really think she would intentionally hurt my husband or me but I am also not sure how well she knows her own strength . The only time she actually did hurt me ( she threw a paper weight at my head and I had three stitches ) she was totally remorseful and very sorry . She is , however , destructive . Everything she touches breaks . I used to call her " my little destructo - matic . " My husband and I had built a wood " sculpture " in our back yard a few years ago to disguise our compost pile of leaves and dead branches . Sometime in the fall , I realized that the sculpture had been destroyed . We had a Workaway ( http : / / www . workaway . info ) guest from Germany who was wonderful and spent a lot of time working on our garden - I asked her about it and she said that it had been intact the last time she saw it . We were puzzled about who had destroyed it . My husband had suggested an angry neighbor . We didn 't think that Yelena had the strength , resources or reason to destroy it . I do have to say in her defense that when we asked her , she did remove the stone fire circle and pile of kindling with a wooden " teepee " over it that she had built in the back yard . She told us she was just " practicing her survival skills that she had learned at camp . " Note : She spent a year in residential treatment for firesetting . Today was a beautiful sunny day and one of the first days that I really felt that it was time to go out into the garden . Serendipitously , husband and I both wanted to work on rebuilding the sculpture so I went to Home Depot and bought a bunch of 4 " nails and dug the hammers out . I went to look in the woods in back of our house for any additional wood I might use and on my way back , I saw an axe strategically placed behind a tree where you wouldn 't notice it from the garden . I knew the moment I saw the axe that Yelena had in fact destroyed the sculpture . My heart sunk . Where did she get an axe from ? My husband went and hid it in our neighbors garage thinking that it might belong to him . I had also found a mat knife ( mine ) and my garden shears ( that had been missing for awhile ) while I was in the woods . Yelena came outside and asked if I would buy the soundtrack from Frozen for her - her new favorite obsession . I said what I had been told to say at the Attachment Institute : " I have to talk to Daddy about it and as soon as we both feel close to you . " We had been talking a few days ago with her therapist about restitution ( the restoration of something lost or stolen to its proper owner , recompense for injury or loss ) for an incident that had occurred a few months ago that had landed her at a hospital CBAT for two weeks . What had happened was that Yelena had broken into the room of one of the students that we host from foreign countries that come here to learn English . Yelena had taken her iPad , removed the cover and threw it away and then erased everything that had been on the computer . The student was enraged ( as she had every right to be ) and started to yell at Yelena who immediately went upstairs and put on her karate outfit and came back downstairs ready to fight . When my husband tried to intervene , she told him that it was none of his business , shoved him and knocked him down and then hit him . He took her to the ER when she had calmed down a bit . I was at work at the time but met them at the ER where she stayed for 24 hours before they found a bed for her about an hour away from us ( it was a holiday weekend , naturally ) . Our three students were gone the next morning . So , today , when she asked me to buy her music I reminded her that she still needed to provide restitution for that incident . I know , I should not have brought the subject up but I felt that we were all forgetting about it . Not that everything else has been wonderful . She took a shower and changed her clothes two out of five days that she went to school this week . She drew on a lampshade . She left the kitchen a mess several mornings and evenings , etc . We had discussed this before and I had suggested she write her student a letter apologizing . She asked me what she had to do and I told her that she should think about it and I was sure that she could do this . She asked another couple of times and I mentioned the letter . She said she couldn 't write a letter because she didn 't know the woman 's address and then because she couldn 't write in Turkish and I said she could write it in English . She stormed off . When we came back into the house , she shoved a folded piece of line notebook paper at me . I read it . The letter said : " Dear F . This is a letter of apology . I am sorry about what happened . Best wishes , Y . ps The turkish coffee was great . LOL " I said that I would have to talk to Daddy about it . She screamed for my husband to come " right now " and shoved the letter at him . He put the letter on the table and walked away . She screamed for him again . I said something about attitude and tone of voice . She went after my husband and he reappeared in the kitchen saying he was going to the Y to work out and left . I didn 't get to the part where I was going to compare a $ 600 . iPad and the loss of about $ 400 . week in income from the students to a short slightly sarcastic note . Yelena and I were standing in the kitchen . She crumpled up the letter into a ball and there it across the room . She reached for a jar full of pencils and pens and started breaking them all in half . I said nothing and left the room to go upstairs . I went in my bedroom and sat down at my desk . She followed me upstairs and came over to me and opened up all the bottles of her medications which were sitting on my desk and dumped them onto the floor . I went towards my bed to get my purse , put my phone , my kindle and my keys in it and tried to get to the door but she closed the door and was blocking the exit with her body . I lay down on my bed and started to read . She came over and unscrewed the lightbulb in my reading light then picked up a book I had been reading and started to rip it to shreds . I said nothing . I didn 't react , I kept on reading . I have a shelf where I keep a bunch of photos of all of the kids - she started taking them out of the frames and ripping them up one by one . I said nothing . I didn 't react . I kept on reading . She came over to me and grabbed my kindle from me . I stood up and wrestled her for it . I didn 't get it but I made sure it was turned off and went to leave and she blocked the door again . I asked to be let out . She said " I have you trapped and there is nothing you can do . You are powerless . " So I said , " No , not really " and went and picked up the phone and said " I can call 911 " . I dialed three numbers at random and acted like I was waiting for them to pick up . She said OK and gave me back my kindle . She was still blocking the door so I went back to the phone to dial 911 again and she said " OK " and moved away from the door . I had my purse so I walked down stairs and put my shoes on and walked out the door into my car . I drove for a few blocks and then called a friend and asked if I could come over . I probably got to my friends house about 6 or 7 pm . We talked had dinner , watched a movie . I came home about 11 pm . All the lights were on in the house . The kitchen was a mess - she had made french toast for her dinner and didn 't clean anything up . She had been in the bedroom that our sons used to share - lights were on , books on the floor , trombone lying on the bed , ouija board on the floor . I went upstairs . No further damage to our bedroom but nothing was cleaned up . I went into her room to check on her and she was fast asleep . I leaned over to give her a kiss and she stirred , looked at me and asked where I had gone . I told her and then said " Good night sweetheart , sleep tight . " A little over ten years ago , my husband and I made a journey to Perm , Russia to adopt a beautiful baby girl . We had both dreamed for years of having a daughter . Every parent has expectations for their child . . . We are now parenting a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder . I will not use any real names to protect the privacy of our daughter , our family , our friends and the many professsionals who have helped us along the way . I will , however , use the real name of the town we live in . We live in Waltham , Massachusetts . Our daughter came to us with the name Yelena ( meaning : the light of the sun ) and that is how I will refer to her here . When I started writing this blog , Yelena had just turned 12 years old . We traveled to Perm in 2000 . Recently , I have come to feel that I need to document our journey with Yelena and have decided to use this blog for that purpose . I am sorry that I didn 't start writing earlier when everything was still fresh in my memory . I am where I am now and I need to start from there and I am sure that a lot of the rest of the story will come out inbetween the lines . A friend asked me why I picked the title Boundless Joy Arising . It is because this is what I wish for - for myself , my child , my family and my friends . One of the most bewildering aspects about having a child with any kind of special needs is the lack of imformation and resources , the lack of real help from the school system and the lack of support from other parents . It feels like you are the only person who has ever gone through this and yes , partially , that is true because your child is unique . There are programs for children with different diagnoses but most children don 't fit neatly into any of those boxes so you feel like you are starting from square one with no help . I have to start out by saying that I am an architect , an artist and I have an M . A . in Psychology . I now practice as an Art Therapist . My husband is a L . I . C . S . W . who has spent his entire career in the health care field , many of those years in an insurance company dealing with mental health and substance abuse issues and now has a private psychotherapy practice . Given that we are both highly educated professionals , when we started out , I had no idea how to get my daughter what she needs and after many years of trying , I still don 't . That is not to say that we have not had many dedicated professionals who have been trying to help us who I am sincerely grateful for . In some cases , it has taken us years to find the right people to help us . We have finally found a wonderful woman who specializes in pediatric psychopharmacology . We have come a long way from the first doctor who prescribed ADHD medications for Yelena who when I asked him why he was diagnosing her with ADHD said something to the effect of " See that , she is turning the light switch on and off . All of the ADHD kids turn the light switch on and off . " Hardly , a professsional method of diagnosis . . . I started out knowing absolutly nothing about special education . The school system said that they had the right class for her and I signed her up . The next year , they recommended another class and I agreeded believing they were the professionals and knew best . The next year it was another different school and another different classroom . After four RESOURCES :

Someone is in for a surprise on Christmas day , which isn 't really a Christmas surprise . A family story ; Voldemort 's re - birth will be ignored . Completely AU , partly OOC , childfic . , mentioning of abuse by the Dursleys . It was on Friday before Christmas during Harry 's sixth year at Hogwarts . The Gryffindor and Slytherin students were just sitting in the Potions classroom for their last lessons before the Christmas holidays . Normally , Professor Snape insisted that they had to work together with their partner , which he had assigned them at the beginning of the school year . Today he hadn 't insisted on this regulation - be it because of anticipation of the holidays without any troublesome students or any other incomprehensible reasons - and had allowed the students to choose their seats as they wanted . As Hermione and Ron were already seated together when Harry entered the classroom , he had to sit with Neville . This itself wasn 't a problem as he liked the boy very much . Moreover , they didn 't have to work together today but had to brew their own potion . However , partnering with Neville in the Potions classroom was the worst that could happen to any student . And so it was today . While Harry was concentrating on his potion and was quite certain that he would manage to brew it correctly because he had - maybe because of working together with Malfoy - improved a lot at brewing potions , he still kept an eye on Neville . He was just putting the last ingredient into his perfect , light green potion , which still had to simmer for eight minutes , when the teacher appeared behind Harry . Disappointed because Harry 's potion looked perfect , the professor sneered . " Perhaps , Potter , you should also care about your neighbours ' potions to prevent cauldrons from exploding . But of course you don 't have enough common sense , arrogant and self - centred as you are " . A naked baby was lying under the black robe . Its bright green eyes didn 't leave any doubt about its identity . Hermione carefully tried to pick up the baby that started to cry immediately . In the next instant , however , for inconceivable reasons , it stretched its arms to the threatening looking professor . The professor , however , didn 't get ready to take the baby from Hermione , and the rest of the class stood there stunned and stared at their classmate and the naked , crying baby in her arms . Harry just kept crying . He couldn 't understand what had happened . Just a moment ago , he had been cuddling with his mummy on the sofa , and now he was suddenly lying on the hard floor , he was freezing , his mummy was gone , and there were many unknown faces around . But everything got even worse . Suddenly he noticed a familiar face . It was his daddy . But he looked a bit different , and he seemed angry . Did he , Harry , do something bad ? He reached out for the man , but his daddy didn 't take him up . He had to stay with the unknown lady , so Harry just continued crying . " But Professor , " Hermione countered . " He is only a baby . We have to put a nappy around him , and we also need clothes for him . " Suddenly , the professor seemed to wake up from his rigour . " What are you doing standing there gawping ? " he spat at the remaining students . " Bottle your potions , put them onto my desk , and then you are dismissed . Miss Granger , you will accompany me to the Headmaster . " When they finally arrived at the Headmaster 's office , Hermione was out of breath because she had hardly been able to keep up with the teacher 's long strides . Apart from that , she had to carry her heavy school bag and the baby . Harry 's cries had turned to hoarse sobs , interrupted by frequent sneezes , and Snape threw the little squaller deadly glances . Harry discovered a new chance to approach the aim of desire - the strong arms of his daddy . He let hear a happy " Dada " and started to move by throwing himself towards his daddy and reached out for the man . Unfortunately , the dark looking professor didn 't grip his small hands , and the little boy landed headfirst on the floor . He waited a moment to assess if there was something inside him that called for crying for his mummy . However , he couldn 't discover anything , so he stumbled onto his feet and toddled over to the man that he was sure was his daddy . Finally , Snape lifted the small boy up and placed him onto his lap , where the child happily relaxed and once more relieved himself . Fully enraged now , the professor picked the baby up and put it back onto Hermione 's lap . After cleaning himself with his wand , he threw the boy a menacing look and shouted , " Now shut up - we have to have a conversation here . The world is not moving around you ! " Harry couldn 't understand anything . Why was the man so unfriendly ? Moreover , he was shivering from the cold as he still hadn 't any proper clothes on himself . " Dada , " he tried once more to talk to the man who looked like his daddy . Hermione got up from her chair immediately and left the Headmaster 's office together with Harry , who was crying even more now . She hurried to the hospital wing , where Madam Pomfrey came out of her office quickly , alerted by the child 's crying . She quickly waved her wand over the boy and told Hermione that he was about a year old , before she took the child from her and gasped , " My god , that 's Harry ! " " Yes , Harry . I am Aunt Poppy , exactly . You remember me , don 't you ? " she asked , and Harry nodded his head . Obviously , he could remember the Healer . " Harry knows me , " Poppy said simply . " He is one year old , and I can remember that he got sick very often during this time , and Lily frequently brought him to me . That 's why he remembers me . " Nobody could answer this question . " All right , Severus , I can 't see any other possibility . I 'm sorry , but you 'll have to take the child in for the moment . Nearly all students are going home tomorrow , and you are the only one involved , who is staying at Hogwarts during the holidays . Apart from that , Harry obviously seems to like you , " Dumbledore stated . Severus just started to voice vehement protest when the Headmaster continued to speak again . " Do you know which Potion has triggered this ? Or do you at least know which Potion you can give to the boy in order to have him return to his normal self ? " " Unfortunately , I didn 't have any opportunity to check what the dunderhead Longbottom has brewed , " Severus raged with clenched teeth . " I only know that his Potion was ORANGE ! Orange ! Not a light green as it should have been . " Albus threw Poppy a questioning look . She shook her head . " No . Apart from the fact that he seems to have caught a cold because you didn 't dress him at all , he is completely fine . " Hermione returned to her dormitory to pack her luggage . With a heavy heart she said good - bye to Harry . " You needn 't worry about him ; I will take good care of him and so will Professor Snape , " Poppy ensured her . At first , Poppy tried to put Harry into a bed , which she had transfigured into a crib . However , the boy didn 't agree with this solution . He was still suffering from the shock , suddenly being in an unknown environment with many unfamiliar people . Apart from this , his throat and head hurt and he didn 't feel well at all . Therefore , he just wanted to stay on the arm of the nice lady , which he knew and who had such a kind voice . He also remembered that she had helped him at least once before when he wasn 't feeling well and his mummy had brought him to her . After carrying the boy around for a while , noticing that he was tired and had to sneeze every now and then , she decided to give him a very light sleeping potion , of which she was certain that she could give to the little tyke . She mixed it with cold water , which the child drank greedily . Seconds later , he was fast asleep , so that she could put him into the crib , where he slept though the rest of the day . " That 's good , Severus . Thanks . Then we can give him the first phial of it tomorrow morning . After that , he can have it every third day . However , you have to come here to the hospital wing for this , so that I can monitor him for a while in case he develops any problems , " Poppy decided in a tone that wouldn 't allow backtalk . " Now , Severus , will you please take the little one to the Great Hall for dinner ? " Harry lazily opened his eyes and let out a small groan . It hadn 't been a dream , he was still in this unknown environment , and he still didn 't feel well . Where was his mummy ? " Appi , were Mummy ? " he croaked hoarsely . " Dada , " Harry shouted happily and reached out for his daddy . As he was standing in the dark he hadn 't noticed him before . Unfortunately , he was as unlucky as he had been in the morning as the professor turned away , flabbergasted , and left it to Poppy to change the boy 's nappy . At dinner , Harry was supposed to sit in a high chair between Severus ' and Poppy 's seats at the Head table . This however didn 't go well with the small boy . He put his head onto his arms and squeezed his mouth shut when Poppy tried to feed him . He didn 't want to take his spoon into his own hand either . " Harry , what is wrong ? What do you want ? " Poppy finally asked desperately when Harry refused a bottle of milk , which Dobby had brought for him , too . Harry immediately reached for her with both hands in order to be pulled up into her lap . Poppy sighed and pulled the child up - under harsh protest from Severus . " Don 't spoil the stupid brat even more . You can see that he believes that he is too good for eating our dinner . Probably , he thinks that he deserves something better . " Poppy ignored her colleague 's comments and tried to feed the child on her lap . Harry didn 't want to eat anything because he was still very confused , terribly missed his mummy , and his throat was sore . But he still couldn 't articulate himself well enough to tell Poppy what was wrong . So he tried to eat a tiny little bit of what Poppy gave him . When she noticed that he wouldn 't eat any more she rose from her chair and conjured a thick mattress for the floor , where she sat Harry down , so that he could play with the Duplo blocks that Minerva conjured at the same time . " Minerva , it is very important that these two manage to bond . So far , I haven 't been able to provide them with an appropriate opportunity since they have abandoned their Occlumency lessons . However , this time we have to leap at the chance , " was the vague explanation the Headmaster provided which the two ladies had to grudgingly accept . After dinner , Severus resentfully took the child by the hand and walked the boy down to the dungeons . It took them more than forty minutes until they arrived , and Harry could hardy hold himself on his wobbly legs anymore when they finally stopped in front of a portrait . As soon as they entered the living room , Harry let himself slide down to the floor , absolutely exhausted . He was at the end of his rope and he couldn 't remember to have been feeling so bad before . Already , he hadn 't been feeling well , and this walk had been like a marathon to his small body . " If you believe I 'm going to carry you like all your admirers do , you 're very much mistaken . Come into the bathroom . You have to take a bath before you can go to bed , " he said impatiently , and Harry 's hands started to shake at the man 's tone , who now took his hand and pulled him up from the floor and into the bathroom , where Dobby had already prepared a warm bath for the baby . Harry anxiously glanced around . His daddy had taken of Harry 's clothes , not as playfully as he or mummy normally did , but at least carefully . Then he had put him into the bath tub . The water had just the right temperature , even if Harry was still freezing as he had been doing the whole day . But there weren 't any toys in the tub . Normally , mummy and daddy always gave him something to play with . Not even his beloved dragon was there . " Dido ? " Harry enquired carefully and threw the professor a questioning look . However , the man ignored him and continued washing the child . Completely ignoring the tears that were pouring down the boy 's cheeks , Severus took the baby out of the tub , dried him with a flick of his wand and magically put a nappy on him without even talking a word to the anxious child . As soon as he had put the light blue pyjamas with little green dinosaurs on the boy , he put him into bed and tucked him in . Harry lifted two small arms in order for his daddy to pick him up . He couldn 't understand what had happened . Normally , when mummy or daddy put him to bed they cuddled with him . Then they used to read him a story and gave him a good night 's kiss before they spelled the light off . He still didn 't feel well and normally his mummy would take care of him when he wasn 't feeling well . Severus put a charm on the child , which would alert him if the boy woke up during the night . Then he turned off the light and left the room . Harry remained alone and cried himself into a sleep that was very hard to come by . Severus had just finished grading a few papers when someone knocked at the door . It was Minerva . " I just wanted to see how our youngest one is doing . Are the two of you managing all right ? " Severus groaned . " The brat is in bed and sleep I suppose . I 've bathed him and put him to bed . And now I 'm just glad to have a few quiet hours without the attention seeking , spoilt little monster . " " Severus ! " Minerva admonished him . " I cannot understand either why Albus insists on leaving him with you because I 'd like to take the boy in or I know that Poppy loves him too . But as things are he is in your care , and it would be better if you tried to get along with each other . " Severus nodded and lead her into the nursery . Minerva spoke a weak Lumos charm that lightened the room just enough to see a little bit . She stepped over to Harry 's crib and saw that he wasn 't sleeping at all . He was just lying there , his eyes closed , and crying silently . When Harry saw Minerva sitting next to his bed , his under lip began to tremble and more tears poured down his cheeks . This aunt he knew as well ; he had often visited her together with his mummy . " Ammi , " he whispered hoarsely and tried to smile at her . His smile however didn 't reach his eyes . The small boy slightly shook his head before he put his hand on his forehead because this movement had hurt . Minerva reached for the child and pulled him out of his bed ignoring Severus ' harsh protest . She immediately noticed that the child was burning up and seemed to be utterly knackered . " Severus , " she said in a small voice . " You have to call Poppy immediately ; Harry has a very high fever . " " Nothing , " Severus returned . " It took us nearly an hour to walk down here . Then I have bathed him and put him to bed . And now he should be asleep , but perhaps I haven 't fawned over him as much as he expected me to , " he added sarcastically . " Severus ! " Poppy scolded him immediately . " The child , who is in your care because we thought he would be safe with you is suffering from a fever of 41 . 5 degrees , and you don 't even notice it ? ! The poor boy is utterly exhausted ; for a one - year - old child , who is sick with a cold in the first place , an hour 's walk is far too much . You should have carried him at least half of the way . Did you at least read a story to him or give him a good night 's kiss ? " " He only seems to have a bad cold . Why he has such a high fever I don 't know . Severus , please fetch a fever reducing potion and a glass of water , so that I can dilute the potion . " A minute later , Severus returned with the required potion . In the meantime , Minerva had given Harry to Poppy and had turned to the Floo and called the Headmaster . Poppy informed him about the child 's state , and Minerva said sharply , " I believe you went too far with your secrecy , Albus . Either you will explain to us why Harry has to stay with Severus or I shall take the boy with me over the holidays . " " Severus , I can only say : Take the chance you are given now to get to know the boy . Believe me , it 's worth the effort ! " Albus said and stared at him with his blue eyes that were devoid of his normal twinkle . " I shall try , " Severus promised , although it cost him quite an effort to do so . He stood up , went over to Poppy and took over the baby from her . " Just wait , we 'll manage , Potter , " he whispered into the baby 's ear , before he carefully felt his forehead . " What can I do , Poppy ? " he then asked . " He is still quite warm . " " You cannot give him any more Potions ; you can only use Muggle methods . In a few hours you can give him a little more of the diluted fever reducing potion once more . I 'll come back in the morning to check on him . " The three visitors left and Severus put Harry back to bed . As his fever still seemed to be very high , he dared not leave him alone but sat in a chair next to the bed . From time to time , he bathed the child 's hot and sweaty face with a cool cloth . At four o ' clock in the morning , Severus had just nodded off a little , when Harry suddenly started to whine . Severus was awake immediately and spoke softly to the little boy , who obviously felt worse again . Severus made him drink a little more of the potion , and fortunately this worked immediately , so that Harry finally fell asleep again . Severus nodded off too and didn 't wake up until he heard Poppy 's voice . " Good morning , Severus . He is a little better , but not much . When will the Aging Potion be ready , so that we can give him the first portion ? " " It would be better , but on the other hand , a two - year - old is able to cope with such a bad cold more easily than a one - year - old . He 'll also be able to speak much better and can tell us when something hurts or he needs anything . Therefore , I suggest that we let him take the Potion now . " The rest of the day , Harry spent sleeping . He had grown a few centimetres , a fact that in combination with his cold and the constantly high fever was very unpleasant . Severus had tried twice to coax the boy into eating something but had given up in the end because the child just wanted to sleep . In the morning , however , Harry was much better . The aftermath of the Aging Potion was over , and for the cold Severus had brewed a child 's version of the Pepper - up Potion , which made Harry feel much better . Poppy had returned this morning and had allowed the child to get up for a while . The house - elves had set up a huge playpen for Harry in Severus ' living room , and after a quiet breakfast in Severus ' small dining corner , the professor put Harry into his playpen . Then he proceeded to grade essays at the table where he could still see the small boy . Harry was a very quiet child . He only spoke when he was asked something , and his speaking abilities were far behind his age . From the few steps Harry had so far walked in his quarters , Severus had gotten the impression that his walking abilities hadn 't improved from when he was one year old either . Severus made the decision to try to talk and read to the child as much as possible while he was two years old in order to brush up his language abilities as much as possible . Severus headed to the playpen . He reached for the boy , and Harry came immediately , both hand up into the air , to let himself being picked up . Severus did him the favour for once and took the boy over to the sofa , which was the warmest place in his quarters due to the near fireplace . " No , Harry , you aren 't a burden at all , " Severus ensured the boy , highly surprised by his wording . How could he get the idea to be a burden ? Severus read many books to him , which the elves had bought , pleased at how happily and quietly the boy was listening . When they had finished all the books , which were appropriate for a two - year - old , Severus suggested going to the Great Hall for lunch . " Shall we go and meet Aunt Minerva and Aunt Poppy ? " he asked the child . This time , they reached the Great Hall in thirty minutes . Harry hadn 't taken Severus up to his offer to give him a piggy - ride . He didn 't want to be even more of a burden to his daddy than he was anyway because of him being sick . This time it wasn 't so strenuous anyway , although he was knackered when they finally arrived at the Great Hall . When they entered the Hall , everyone fawned over Harry , who , however , insisted on sitting on Severus ' lap . " Harry , why don 't you eat your meat ? " Minerva , who was sitting next to Harry , asked . " Give it a try ; it 's very tasty . " " Harry , listen very well , " Severus said strictly . " You may eat everything that is here on the table . You even must eat meat because it is very important for your body . You are much too thin anyway , and during the last three days you hardly ate anything . Therefore , you have to eat as much as you can . " When Severus and Harry moved to leave the Hall , Minerva and Poppy joined them with the intention to bathe Harry and put him to bed . Severus was of course glad about this , even if Poppy now ordered him to give Harry a piggy - ride down to his quarters . As soon as they arrived , Severus retreated to his lab and enjoyed the toddler 's absence . " Hello , Uncle Sev , " he greeted his Head of House . " I received your owl . What exactly is happening ? You only said that you need my help , but you didn 't tell me what for . " Severus made a grimace . " Now , Draco , do you remember what happened last Friday in the Potions lesson ? Longbottom made his failed potion pour over Potter , and he became a baby . And now I have to watch the tiny dunderhead all over the holidays . I had hoped you could keep me company for a few days and help to look after the brat before I become completely lunatic . " " All right , let 's see . How old is he by the way , and do you already have an idea how to turn him back ? " Draco asked , relatively calmly . Severus explained everything to him , before he went over to Harry 's room to wake up the boy . To his astonishment , Harry was already awake but was lying quietly in his crib and made a happy sound when he saw his assumed daddy . He immediately scrambled to his feet and pulled himself up , throwing his thin arms into the air . When he noticed Draco entering the room , however , he made two steps backwards , and his face changed to a frightened expression . Harry didn 't know what was happening . Nobody ever played with him . Normally , he spent the whole day in his dark , small room and had to keep quiet in order not to be punished . But the tall boy wanted to play with him . " Pay wif Hawwy ? " he asked astonished . Draco threw Severus a questioning glance , who told him that Harry seemed to be very much behind in talking . The three went to have breakfast in the Great Hall as Severus didn 't want his excited colleagues to rush to his quarters because they didn 't have the opportunity to fawn about the child and spoil it as much as they could . Afterwards , Draco played with Harry until lunchtime . Together , they built a Duplo zoo , which meant that Draco built it and Harry excitedly destroyed it several times . And Draco , despite himself could help but enjoy playing with Harry ; the small boy was just too cute . Harry had already gotten used to Draco and was very happy that the boy took so much time to play with him . He couldn 't remember that anyone had ever played with him . Surely his mummy had done so before , but that was too long ago . During lunch , Draco asked Poppy , if he could take Harry for a walk out to the lake during the afternoon . Poppy hesitated a short while , before she replied , " All right , Mr . Malfoy , as soon as he wakes up from his nap , you can take him outside . However , you have to put warm clothes on him because he has been very ill during the last days and still has a cold , and it 's very cold outside . Please don 't stay out for a too long time , and carry him when you notice that he is getting tired . " Although Harry took a long nap , Draco and Harry had enough time to go for a walk in the snow . Severus had transfigured a piece of wood into a sledge , so that Draco could pull Harry through the snow . Harry was thrilled . He couldn 't remember having so much fun ever before . In the evening , Draco gave him a bath and put him to bed . " De stowwy of Bob an de Dwagon , " Harry replied firmly and pointed to a book that was lying next to his pillow . Then he lied back into his cushions with a smile on his face . Today had been a very nice day . Even before Draco had finished reading the story , Harry had fallen asleep . After breakfast the next morning , Poppy accompanied the three to the dungeons to give Harry his potion . This time , his reactions to the potion were even worse than before . Harry spent the whole day in bed with a very high fever , and he was extremely sore . When Draco took him into the bathroom to wash the now three - year - old , he noticed that the child 's whole body was covered in bruises and welts . He shouted for his godfather , who joined them immediately . " Harry , I have already told you that I have different rules from those of your relatives , " Severus told him straight away . " Here , you are allowed to say anything . I even want you to answer my question . Did your uncle do this to you ? " During the next two days , Draco occupied little Harry the whole day long . In the morning , the two boys played in Harry 's room , while Draco took Harry on an excursion during the castle in the afternoon . Harry 's eyes were popping out of his head when he saw the library . So many books ! He just loved this place ! For compensation , Draco guided Harry into the kitchen , where a bunch of bored house elves gathered around them and placed a whole table full of sweets in front of them . Harry threw a sceptical glance at the sweets and quietly asked Draco , " Can Hawwy haww ? Hawwy not ' loud eat swees . " " Yes , Harry , you may eat . Do you remember what Uncle Sev told you a few days ago ? That the rules here are different from those at your relatives ? Therefore , you may eat sweets , too . " Harry threw him a joyful glance and began to take some of the delicacies . How lucky he was that the stern man , who apparently wasn 't his daddy after all , made such nice rules . It would have been so nice if he had a daddy like him . Even if the man seemed not to like Harry , he was much nicer to him than his relatives . Harry absentmindedly took another biscuit , enjoying the strange taste . Unfortunately , dinner was soon afterwards and when Harry didn 't want to eat anything at all , Poppy and Severus asked at the same time in a similar annoyed voice , " What have you been eating during the afternoon ? " The next day was Christmas Eve , and Draco had to go home straight after breakfast . He once more tousled the small boy 's hair as he couldn 't deny that he had grown quite fond of the little tyke and promised to return once more for a few days after Christmas . Finally , he travelled home via the Floo network , while Harry gulped down the potion that made him into a four - year - old . This time , Poppy immediately checked his whole body and noticed that he again had several injuries . Fortunately , she was able to heal everything on the spot . Nevertheless , Harry had to spend the day in bed to Minerva 's disappoint . She had hoped that Harry would be able to watch them decorating the huge Christmas tree in the Great Hall . Instead , she spent a while at his bedside and asked him what he wanted to receive from Santa . To the horror of the adults , Harry shook his head , and Minerva and Severus tried together to explain everything about Christmas and Santa to the child . In order not to take away the surprise of Harry 's first Christmas morning and because he was still a bit feverish , Severus decided to have dinner in Harry 's room . Afterwards , he took the boy to the bathroom , so that he could help him brush his teeth and let him use the toilet , glad that he didn 't have to change his nappy anymore . Finally , he put him back to bed and said ' Good night . ' Severus sighed . Hadn 't he swore not to do anything unnecessary for Potter ? But there was something with this boy that led him to obey his every wish . " All right , " he agreed . " What do you want me to read ? " The rest of the evening , Severus spent thinking about how to change the ageing potion so that Harry wouldn 't have to suffer so much from the aftermath . However , he couldn 't come up with a solution and at midnight , he decided to go to bed . Before heading to his room , he decided to check on the boy once more . Not that he was worried about the brat , but as he had been ill the whole day , it probably was his duty to check on him , he told himself . Harry however was not in his bed ! Severus spent an hour to search every inch of his quarters without success . The only thing he knew was that Harry definitely couldn 't have left his quarters . But where was he ? Slowly Severus ' worry turned into anger , which fortunately vanished quickly when he noticed the child curled up in the wardrobe , the door slightly ajar . He carefully took the little tyke by the arm and pulled him out of his small hiding place . Suddenly , tears were running down his small cheeks , and the boy began to sob . " Hawwy has seed a bad dweam , bad man and gween light to mummy and Hawwy . Den Hawwy afwaid and Hawwy sweep in cuboard . " Unconsciously , Severus stroke the boy 's head and carefully whiped away his tears until he suddenly became aware of the fact that this child was Potter , whom he was trying to console . " This only was a stupid dream , " he said in spite of knowing better and put the boy back into his bed . " It 's all right , nobody is going to hurt you here , " he said as calmly as he could and pulled his wand in order to spell off the light . When Severus woke up on Christmas morning , he already assumed that Potter was excitedly running around his quarters looking for presents . But then , he suddenly remembered the happenings of the previous day . Potter hadn 't even known what Christmas was . And his relatives had obviously abused him . Strange . All this didn 't fit into the image of the spoilt , arrogant Potter , whom he knew - or so far had assumed to know . Shaking his head , he entered the child 's room . Of course , Harry was awake und busy reading his favourite book . The instant they entered the Great Hall , Harry stopped walking and looked at the beautiful decoration in awe . Never before had he seen something so gorgeous . " Uncle Sevewus , why awe dewe twees ? " he asked astonished , while he was still staring at the impressive decoration . Surprisingly , Harry didn 't even flinch . He seemed to like the flying teacher , who was always very funny and playful when Harry came into the Great Hall . This morning , breakfast took quite some time . Harry didn 't know if everyone just was slow today or if it was because he took so much time eating because he couldn 't take his eyes off the Christmas tree . However , at some stage Albus suggested for everyone to sit in the seats that were arranged in groups around the tree , so that they could have a look to see who had presents under the tree . Suddenly , someone gave Harry a present . He looked appalled at the colourful wrapping paper , until Severus told him to open the paper to look what was inside . He even helped Harry to unwrap his present , and Harry cheered with pleasure . He held two books in his hands , which were from the same series as his favourite book . However , they weren 't about a dragon as the other book but about a basilisk - whatever that was - and about a phoenix . Everyone laughed about Harry 's delighted face when he received his first present . Even Severus smiled at the happy boy on his lap . Suddenly , in front of Severus a large package appeared out of thin air . With this , Harry got such a fright that he jumped back and fell headfirst from Severus ' lap . He stumbled back onto his feet and stared curiously at the package , which wasn 't wrapped in colourful wrapping paper but in simple dark green paper . " What is this , Uncle Sevewus ? " he asked confused . Severus gave her a nod and carefully began to unwrap the parcel . Now he was even more astonished . The parcel held a Pensieve as well as several phials with fluids in various colours . He glanced around , but nobody could or wanted to enlighten him about the meaning of this present . So he just had to head into the Pensieve - with an ambivalent feeling about what to expect . Thescene played in the house of the Potters . Lily and Severus were sitting together at a table . Lily said , her voice taut , " Severus , I 'm so sorry . When I found out that I was pregnant , I panicked and asked James to marry me , so that everyone would believe it was his child and not an illegitimate child . " Severus stared at Lily , obviously not understanding what Lily was trying to say . Lily , her eyes troubled , continued , " Poppy helped me to magically prolong my pregnancy , so that our son will be born at the end of July , which is a month late . I have taken the Inhabicua Potion , so that the baby will look like James . James knows that it 's not his child . I 'm sure you know that you only have to give him the Inhabitas Potion with your blood in it in order to restore his natural appearance . " Utterly shocked , the two colleagues left the Pensieve . Minerva was the first to recover under the questioning looks of the others . Still unsure if she should throw a silencing spell around Harry , so that he wouldn 't hear what they were talking about , she saw that he had fallen asleep on Poppy 's lap . Therefore , after a confirming nod from Severus , she told her colleagues what they had seen in the Pensieve . " Yes , Minerva , " her friend replied pensively . " And at that time , I had thought maybe Harry was Severus ' son . Unfortunately , I didn 't know it for sure , and I couldn 't have said anything because of my Healer 's oath . " Lily , Jamesand Harry were sitting on the same sofa in the living room of the Potters . Obviously it was Harry 's birthday as there was a cake on the table that was decorated with a huge ' 1 ' . Suddenly , the bell rang . " Oh , that should be your Daddy " Lily said happily and went to open the door Harry couldn 't be stopped . He hurriedly toddled after his mummy and happily shouted , " Dada , Dada ! " As soon as Severus had entered the house , Harry jumped up to him and was taken up " Hello , myson . Happy Birthday ! " Severus said and handed Harry a box , which was wrapped in wrapping paper with many colourful owls on it . It was a Toddler 's Potions Kit , and Harry was thrilled . Severus seemed to be glad to see his son so enthusiastic . However , he told him , " Harry , Daddy will show you what to do with it , okay ? You must not play with it on your own , only when Mummy or Daddy are with you . Is that clear ? " This scene seemed to take place in the same room again . " Lily " Severus said with a hint of sadness in his voice . " You know that I 'm quite good in Occlumency . However , the Dark Lord is much better . It is too dangerous . For your and Harry 's safety , I 'm going to put all my thoughts in a Pensieve and give them to Albus Dumbledore . The Dark Lord mustn 't know about you and Harry . If the war comes to an end , Albus can return the Pensieve to me , so that I 'll be able to find back to you . Therefore , I 've come to say good - bye . I won 't come here again until further notice . However , I hope that the situation will change soon so that I will get to see you again " With a touching scene , in which Lily burst into tears and Severus consoled her , the memory ended When the two colleagues left the Pensieve , Severus took a phial with a silvery liquid in it , which he put into the Pensieve . Then , using his wand he added the memory to his own thoughts . Suddenly , he leaned back into his seat and closed his eyes . He had turned as white as chalk . The arrogant , spoilt Potter boy should really be his son ? Impossible ! ' Although little Harry is very different , ' a small voice in his head pointed out . Severus magically added two drops of blood from his elbow into the phial , then he went over to Poppy to take two drops of blood from Harry in the same way and added it as well . The mixture that had been a light green before changed its colour to dark blue . Now there wasn 't any doubt left - Harry was his son . Poppy , who knew him better than anyone else , noticed that because of the recovered memory , which involved Lily greatly , he was on the verge of crying . She suddenly put little Harry onto his lap . For the first time , Severus carefully checked out Harry 's features . Right - in his just recovered memory , little Harry looked exactly like this . He carefully stroked the toddler 's small face . " I 'm so very sorry , Harry , " he whispered into the boy 's ear . " You knew that I 'm your daddy , but I didn 't know " . " Severus ! " Suddenly , Minerva 's voice penetrated his ear . " Look , there is another phial . It says ' Inhabitas Potion ' . Is this the Potion that Lily was talking about ? Which you have to give Harry , so that he can regain his natural appearance ? " " Yes , " Severus replied , sighing . " I only have to add three drops of my blood . " He sighed once more . " However , I 'm not sure if we should do this today . Poppy , what do you think ? Will he have similar problems like with the Aging Potion ? " Poppy considered his question for a little while , before she replied , " That might very well be , and if you don 't want him to spend Christmas day in bed , you should leave it . We can give it to him tonight after dinner if you want to . However , I want to be with you in order to monitor him . " Severus nodded his agreement and put the phial back onto the table . Suddenly , he glared at Albus and hissed angrily , " You old meddling coot ! Why now ? Why ? Why did my son have to grow up with people , who didn 't only hate but abused him ? This time , you have taken it too far , Albus . I demand an explanation ! Now , old man , or I will hex you with the strongest hex that I know ! " Albus remained pensive , sucking on a lemon drop , before he explained , " I 'm sorry , my boy , but there were many reasons why I did not tell , not least of which was the blood protection that Petunia Dursley could offer Harry . I was unsure as well about where your loyalties lie . Of course , as time went on , I began to know you remained loyal to our cause , but when Harry came to Hogwarts , you hated him so much that I just couldn 't tell you . I have tried to bring the two of you together several times like for example when I ordered you to teach the boy Occlumency . However , that didn 't work out as you made it rather difficult for the boy . So I had to grip the next chance , and this time you managed to finally get closer to the boy , so that I thought it would be safe enough to trust you with my secret . " Severus didn 't give a sign that he had acknowledged the Headmaster 's reasoning , but in fact , he felt his anger deflating . Albus ' words struck him harshly and he had to admit that his own attitude toward the boy had made it very difficult for the Headmaster to entrust him with this secret . Severus cursed himself for his harsh treatment of Harry . With Severus shouting , Harry had woken up and looked around frightened . Severus pulled him close to his chest and ensured him that everything was all right . Finally , he put a silencing spell around his son and himself and said , " Harry , I 'm so very sorry . I have just discovered that you 're my son . I know that you have known when you were small , but I didn 't believe it because I didn 't know it . I am very sorry , and I 'm also glad to have such a fine son as you are . " Harry and Severus remained at the Great Hall until after dinner because Harry received so many presents that it took him the whole afternoon to unwrap them , look at them , and finally play with them . After dinner , Poppy accompanied them to their quarters , where Severus explained to Harry that he had to take a Potion again . Unfortunately , the aftermath of this Potion was as bad as with the Aging Potion , and Severus stayed the whole night at Harry 's bedside to cool his fevered forehead and to look after him , while he watched , how his son 's stature and facial features changed . Very slowly , he was able to recognise a resemblance to himself . Gradually , he started to realize that this boy was in fact his son , and a feeling of happiness spread all over his body . He was ashamed thinking that he had had his son straight under his nose for more than five years but hadn 't been able to recognise it because of his stupid aversion to James Potter . But now , nobody would be able to deprive him of his child . Moreover , he would do his best to make up to his son for the lost years and would try to make him forget the pain that had so far been his childhood . When Harry was back to at least eleven and his memories of the first week at Hogwarts returned , he would have to apologise to his son and explain why he had treated him so harshly . Today , he had experienced the best Christmas after Lily 's death because getting his own family had always been his greatest wish . And today , this wish had finally been fulfilled . During the night , Severus had a lot of time to think , and when they sat at the breakfast table in the Great Hall the next day , he introduced his son to everyone . Except for the green eyes , Harry looked exactly like a younger version of Severus . Finally , he told his colleagues what he had decided during the night . " I have thought a lot during the night and I have made a decision . I will not give Harry the Aging Potion anymore . He will grow up here at Hogwarts as my son , and I shall do anything in order for him to have a happy childhood . 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I was driving through the suburbs of a small city in the Midwest . It was after ten in the evening . Suddenly a vehicle came charging up behind me . It was a cop car with lights flashing and the siren got tapped . I pulled over to the curb and the cop car went screaming by me . It was followed by two others . I was almost to the end of the block and I sat there and watched the police go wheeling around to the right out of sight . I figured it was an accident or someone was in trouble . I was a little tired so I just sat there , relaxing . I cracked a bottle of water and sipped on it . More awake now , and thinking I had better get going , I started the engine to pull away from the curb . Someone tapped on the passenger 's window . I rolled it down and a girl leaned in . " Please , can I sit in your car for a little bit ? I have to get off the street . " It was a tall young woman and she didn 't look dangerous so I said , " Okay , but not for long . What 's going on ? " She slid into the seat and put her handbag down on the floor . " The cops just busted the party I was at . I would really be in trouble if I get caught . I 'm always in trouble or at least I 'm always getting caught . Mom doesn 't really care . She 'll hire a lawyer , but I 'm getting awful close to being put in juvenile detention . " I turned on the overhead light and looked at my passenger . She had dirty blonde hair cut into a shag . It looked as if someone had tried to style it , but it came out wrong . She had pimples on her face and she was overweight . Her lips were painted with a dark red lipstick and she wore ear rings . Those were small enameled roses and looked quality . Her blouse was red and of some shimmery material . The skirt she had on was short and made of blue denim . " Pete , thanks for letting me sit in your car . I suppose I should get out now and go home . There 's nothing really to go home to . Mom is off tonight with the man she is marrying next week . I 'm not even invited to the wedding . Isn 't that a hoot ? She fought for me when dad left and now she doesn 't have anything to do with me . She doesn 't even want me around . " " I 'm sixteen , almost seventeen and I 'm on my own this summer . My mother is going on her honeymoon and I 'm living alone . Most of my friends are going on vacation . I wish I had somewhere to go . " I went to the party with my girlfriend 's older brother , but he wanted more than I wanted to put out . He wanted me to be a pig for him and his friends . He even offered to pay me . I got even though . I was so pissed at them for thinking I would so I called the cops . Guess I have a bit of a reputation . I almost got caught myself before I could get away . That would have been justice wouldn 't it ? Where do you live ? " " Big city Minneapolis . Not much going on there for me except for a new job . I 'm headed over to England in a couple of weeks . I 'm interning with an architectural firm and they want details on a monastery near London . I 'll be gone for the next three months . " " Didn 't think you could . Life sucks . What I should do , is run away and vanish forever . " This brought a cold chill to my heart that was not related to this girl . " He can 't take me . He has a new family . They have twins . There is no room for me anyway . All he does for me is to make sure I have all of the money I need . " We sat silently for several minutes . A police car went past on the other side of the street heading the way I had come from . Ginger spoke , " You want to make out or something ? I 'm no virgin . " " Ginger , believe it or not what you are offering has more value than you realize . If I took you up on your offer , I could take it , but I wouldn 't respect you . The value is in the respect . Someday a young man will come along and you will fall in love and then you will wish you hadn 't given so much of it away . " " Nope , but I do have respect for myself and my body . I 'm no virgin either . I had a girlfriend for awhile , but it didn 't work out and she chose someone else . I still respect her even though our relationship crashed . " " You 're too old for me anyway . Well , would you drive me home ? It is late . Do you want a place to stay tonight ? It 's a long way to Minneapolis and Mother won 't be home for a couple of days . " She grinned , saying , " You 're safe with me and I won 't attack you . " Just then a police car pulled up behind me and the cop got out and came to my window . I rolled it down . The officer spoke , " You two have been sitting here for awhile . Is there any trouble ? " Ginger opened her handbag and handed him her student ID . He peered in the window after reading it . " It is getting late . You better go home . This is no place to park . Have a nice night . " The police car went back on patrol . Ginger was cracking up . " Boy , you think fast . What would have happened if the cop had really looked into us to see if I was your step - sister ? " " I like you too . " I followed Ginger 's direction to the beginning of the residential section and pulled in front of a three car garage . The house was big and I was thinking it must have at least four bedrooms . I sat in the kitchen and watched Ginger open a big can of pasta and get some hotdogs from the refrigerator . She put rolls on a pan to brown . Mostly I watched this new friend of mine . Ginger was at least five - nine and thirty pounds or more overweight . It was much more than baby fat . I would imagine this was from a poor diet . I felt sorry for her and her situation . " Oh Pete , you know I do . I am so looking forward to seeing you . I have been so lonely this last year . You 'll be with me for two weeks before you have to go away again . " " I have just the person to be a companion for you for the summer . That is if I can arrange it . It is a young lady who is at loose ends and can 't find a job . " " No , Rita and I split up . This is just someone who has to live alone until school starts in the fall . " Her name is Ginger . Her mother is getting married and will be away on her honeymoon . I may be a day late getting home as things need to be settled here . If you get a call from her mom you can talk to her about it . " I looked across the table at Ginger . " Well there you are . You have something to do for the summer if you want it . You 'll like my mom . I wish I could be with her more than I am , but I have my life to live and she urges me to pursue the course I am on . I believe I 'll be home to live with her in the fall . It would be great if she has a companion to talk to while I 'm gone this time . " " Can I think about it tonight and how I can make it happen ? This is pretty exciting and I think it would be so much fun . What is your mom like ? Is she pretty ? " " She won 't want a fat girl like me around then . I think I will pass . Damn , for a few minutes I had hopes of having a good summer . " " I 'll think about it tonight . I have to call my mother anyway , but I 'm sure she won 't care . Hell , I could go into a whore house and she would say go ahead and have fun . " This was as close to tears I had seen this girl . I was going to urge Ginger to reconsider if she decided against traveling with me . Ginger took me upstairs and showed me the room I would be sleeping in . " You know you can sleep with me if you want to . " She threw this out as she went into her room . I stood in the doorway and told her I guessed not . Her room was a typical teenager 's room . It was pretty messy and had some stuffed toys scattered around . There were several posters of heart throbs on the walls . There was some dirty underwear in the corner . Her face got red when she saw me glance in that direction . " Yes , use the one down the hall . I have my own off my room . Pete , would you write down your mother 's address so I can give it to my mother when I call her ? " I wrote it down on a pad of paper that had strawberries pictured all over it . She looked at it and said , " Your last name is Brown . " I confirmed that it was . I turned to go out . " Pete Brown , you 're a hunk , you know . You 're tall , thin and handsome with your brown curly hair . Why in god 's name would you want to take an interest and help me ? " " Beat 's me . Maybe because you think I am a hunk . " I grinned and paused before saying , " Let me know what you decide in the morning . Good night , Ginger . " " Pete , I talked to my mother . She was peeved that I interrupted her because she and my new soon - to - be step father had guests . I told her what I wanted to do this summer . She told me to leave the address on a slip of paper by the phone downstairs . She didn 't ask any questions about who I was traveling with or how I met you . I told you , she just doesn 't care about me at all . I 'm going with you and I hope your mother can stand me . " Tears were trickling down Ginger 's face . She looked so lost when she came up beside my bed . I raised my arms and she sank down beside me . Now she started to sob . There were blankets between us and we both were clothed in our pajamas . I held her and she snuggled as close to me as she could . Ginger soon calmed down and wiped the tears away . " Pete , can I scramble you some eggs ? I can cook , you know . Then can we get going . I 'm anxious to meet your mom . " " It is already perking . Pete , would it be okay if I gave you a kiss ? I feel so much better this morning . I feel as if I was somehow going to have a life . " " If it would make you happy , sure go ahead . " Ginger kissed me quickly and jumped out of bed . It was a good thing because my kidneys were screaming . I did lay in bed a few more moments reflecting on how weird a situation this was that I was finding myself in so unexpectedly . Ginger served me as soon as I came into the kitchen . We hadn 't dressed yet . I examined Ginger 's shape again . With some weight loss and firming up , she should turn out to be a good looking girl . Too young and immature for me , but I 'll bet we could become great friends . That is if we were around each other long enough . Ginger left her mother a note , hurriedly packed a bag , and we soon were on the way . She had never traveled this far from home and was looking at the sights as the country flowed past . Ginger was intrigued with everything she saw and we stopped several times to look at the sights and things we spotted that were of interest . It was evening when I pulled in front of home . Mom came out as we got out of my car . " Peter , it has been so long since I have seen you . " She came into my arms and hugged me to her , holding me as tight as she could . She kissed me lightly on the lips and then released me , turning to my new friend . What a contrast . Mom was willow thin , and Ginger was just short of being obese . Mom went to her and hugged her as well . " It was wonderful . I never have been this far from home and we saw some great sites . " Mom had a salad ready for us . We were tired so we didn 't talk long . Mom slept in the first floor bedroom . Ginger and I had rooms on the second floor . She put Ginger into the room that had been my sister 's . I was twelve when my sister ran away and I didn 't remember her all that well . Ginger would soon learn about Roberta . Roberta was seventeen when she left and would be twenty - seven now if she was still alive . Mom and I had given up looking for her and we believed her dead . I was hoping Ginger would become a person that would replace my sister if only for a few months . I would be home in the fall and then Mom could look after her myself . Until then , I would be counting on Ginger to be companion to Mom . I went downstairs and talked to mom after Ginger had gone to bed . She lit into me . " Peter , Ginger is just a young girl . What were you thinking traveling this far with her ? You could have got into all kinds of trouble . What if the police had stopped you ? " " The police did question us last night right after Ginger got into my car . I claimed she was my step - sister . We both had IDs so he didn 't make anything of it . Her mother now has your address and Ginger had somewhat of a permit to travel with me . We are here so it worked out fine . I am asking if you will take her under your wing . Her mother doesn 't want her around and she was going to be living on her own all summer . " I think she was apt to be a little wild and certainly too trusting of boys and men . I could have had her in my bed last night and done anything I wanted with her . She is too young for that in my estimation . I would guess she is somewhat jaded about life already . I know you can turn her around and give her a different outlook . " " Are you trusting me to do this ? I didn 't do at all that good with Roberta . I drove her out of our lives and we lost her . " " Yes , you did . Now , though , you are a different person than you were then . Remember , sis couldn 't get along with anyone , not even me . I thought the world of her when I was a baby . I think it all had something to do with Dad . We still don 't know why he killed himself . " My mother was looking at the floor . She seemed to want to say something . " Peter , I know why your father killed himself . You are now old enough to know the truth . It had to do with Roberta and William . There were too close . Closer than a father and daughter should be . I confronted her when I discovered them together . She threw it back in my face making a snide remark , saying at least she had his love . I don 't think it was because your father was that weak , but your sister was too voluptuous and sexy . " William tried to break it off . He went up to the lake to get away from Roberta for awhile , but she hitched - hiked up there and it began all over again . A few days later , he bought some drugs and overdosed himself . That was when Roberta was fifteen . She blamed me for two years before she left . I 'll tell you I was in hell for those two years and I didn 't let her forget that it was all her fault , either . It was a relief when she took off . That is why I have never looked that hard for her . " I do regret everything now . I have been thinking about her a lot lately . Maybe I should have tried to live with the two doing what they were doing , but it was wrong . " " It was wrong , Mom . Don 't blame yourself . I think you did the best you could in such an untenable situation . I 'm glad you told me about this . Why did you tell me now ? " " Mom , I haven 't even considered sleeping with her . I had a chance when she offered herself . I want her to have better values than what she has at the present . I know you can help her in that direction better than her mother is doing . Her mother has given her no direction at all . She does have some sense of right and wrong for she was running from a bad situation when she got into my car . You need some direction yourself according to Doctor Jones . " " I have . Your letters have been so sad these last few months . I called your doctor for his input . I was thinking of searching for a companion for you after I reached home , but I believe on my way here I have found the one you need . Maybe this will help you both . She needs a mother 's love and you need to forget the past and get on with your life . Give it a try , anyway . " " Definitely . You 're in as a surrogate daughter . Treat my mom as if she was the mom you always dreamed of . You both need each other . Good night , Ginger . Go to bed . " Both women were up when I came down in the morning . My coffee was ready . Ginger was helping get breakfast and more in the way than not because she didn 't know where things were . The third time Ginger called Mom , Mrs . Brown , my mother said that wouldn 't do . " Call me Harriet . All my friends do . " " Okay , Harriet , I can do that . I have a suggestion . Let me take you out to dinner tonight . Pick a nice restaurant and I 'll make the reservation . " " Yes I do . My dad gives me the court ordered support money and I never spend half of it . Mom got enough from the divorce settlement . Since I turned fifteen she doesn 't even ask what I do with it . He won 't care and he can certainly afford it . He will be glad really that he is able to do something for me . It will reduce his guilt for leaving Mom for another woman . " Mom could see how serious Ginger was , so she reluctantly agreed . Ginger made the reservation . Then she turned to mom , " Harriet , I don 't have a thing with me to wear . Would you take me shopping and help me pick out something ? Something appropriate so I don 't embarrass you . I 'm such a whale , but maybe we can find something to make me look less fat . " " Hey you two , this isn 't in my comfort zone . I 'm the one being embarrassed here . " Ginger 's face was red and Mom actually giggled . I shook my head leaving the room . Then I stuck my head back in and said , " I 'm looking up old friends . I 'll be back at lunch time . " " Okay . I 'll be home this afternoon sometime . " I was feeling better and better that I had proposed having a companion come live with my mother . She looked and acted happier already . We did go out to dinner . Ginger was slightly over dressed , but she looked five years older than I knew her to be . Mom had gone all out and looked five years younger than her fifty - one . Mother recognized some friends after we were seated for dinner . They stopped by and talked to Mom as they were leaving . One woman actually asked Mom if this was Roberta and when had we found her ? She knew the family history . " No , this is a young lady who is staying with me while Peter is out of the country . Peter engaged her for me and we are having a good time together . I 'm looking forward to having a great summer this year . " I always seemed to be in the wrong place at the wrong time . I was home alone . This was two days after I had arrived with Ginger . The phone rang . " My name is Ada Adams . I 'm looking for my daughter , Ginger . She left some crazy note about taking off to help some old lady living at this address for the summer . What can you tell me about her ? " " Hey , she called you and you gave her permission to take the job . How else was she going to get here ? She has been living by herself and was going to be alone all summer . I rescued her from a party where she was going to be abused by several boys and some older men . Her summer ahead looked pretty damned bleak to me . I 'll bet she would have gone to another party again sometime during the summer while you were away on your honeymoon . She will be safe here with my mother . I 'm leaving for England the end of next week . She will be safe for that long anyway . Mom will take care of her . " " What time ? No better yet , call at six . That is dinner time for us . " The phone clicked . Well at least Ginger 's mother was checking up on her . It should make Ginger feel a little better . The phone rang at exactly six . Ginger answered it . " Hello mother . " This started an hour - long conversation . There was screaming by both parties . Ginger got really hot and Mom got up and put her hand on Ginger 's shoulder , not saying anything , but it did calm Ginger down . After that and for the last fifteen minutes while they were on the phone , Ginger just listened as her mother explained her plans for the wedding and the honeymoon . Still there was no invitation for her daughter to attend . Ginger came and sat down and we ate a meal that was already cold . I don 't think anyone of us noticed . I figured not much had been resolved and the status was the same as it had been . " Harriet , I have permission to stay here until school begins . Mother still doesn 't want me around , but I guess she is happy I am where I am safe and looked after . Now she can go and enjoy herself without a thought for me . " I was out and about every night , but I did often knock on Ginger 's door when I came home if I saw her light on . This was to say goodnight . I had four more days before I was flying out . " Pete , I 'm going to miss you terribly when you leave . You have done so much for me and I don 't know if I can stand it with you not here . " " Hey , I haven 't done that much . My mother needed someone and you are perfect for her . You needed someone too . I 'm happy it has worked out for you both . " " It has hasn 't it ? Pete , would you do one thing for me ? Would you take me out on a date one time before you leave ? Just to the movies and maybe out for a shake and burger before we come home . " " Okay . Tomorrow night we 'll take in a show . Why don 't we make it a real date ? I 'll take you out to dinner and then to the show . " Ginger told mom about her date with me coming up . Mom came and cautioned me , " Don 't you be trifling with her . She still is very vulnerable . I don 't want to see her hurt . " " Yes , but she is young and may have a dream about you . Puppy love is as painful as any injury . " Mom stopped talking , and then went on , " I trust you Peter , so go and give her a good time . I just wanted you to be aware , that is all . " This conversation took place just before noon . A little after three the phone jangled . Ginger and Mom were off getting Ginger beautiful for our upcoming date . " Hello , Peter speaking . " " Don 't hang up damnit , I 'll talk to you . Look , I have found some charges on her credit card . I oversee the card and the bill comes to me . What 's with dinner at some posh restaurant and some expensive clothes ? What is going on and how come she is in Minneapolis anyway ? Ada just emailed me a short note giving me this phone number and city . " " I 'm responsible for that . The cops were chasing her and I rescued her from being picked up on the street . Your ex - wife was married two days ago and wasn 't taking care of your daughter before that . Ginger was going to be living alone all summer . I hired her to be companion to my mother . I 'm leaving for the UK the day after tomorrow and I didn 't want my mother being alone . I put the two of them together and that solved the problem for both . " " I wouldn 't know . Look , Ginger will be home by five o ' clock . I will make sure she calls you . Just so you know ; she has felt abandoned by both you and her mother . My sister disappeared when I was twelve , so I can kind of relate . Ginger seems like a nice person who hasn 't been treated very well by her parents . My mother can take her mind off this . When Ginger is older , she can handle this better . " " No , Ginger made sure she had permission to live with my mother . It was convenient for your ex and she is happy here . Ask her about it when she calls . " " I 'll be sure to . " There was lengthy pause and than he said , " Thank your mother for looking after my daughter when I can 't . Good bye . " As soon as Ginger came in , I told her about the call from her father . " I 'll call him now . " She came back all smiles in less than ten minutes talking with her father . " Dad thinks you people are all right . He is really pissed at mother . Pete , you must have told him I was going to have to live alone this summer . " " Dad , his new wife , and the twins are going to visit me sometime in August . I 'm looking forward to it . He also promised to call me once a week . But now , excuse me , I have a date and must look my best . " When we got in the car , she explained , " Pete , your mother is worried I will vamp you . She thinks you are too old for me . That part doesn 't bother me , but I think a lot of Harriet and I wouldn 't hurt her for the world . I will agree that you are a wonderful person . So I am going be good and act my age . " She mumbled something that I didn 't catch , but wouldn 't say what it was . " That would be a hamburger place . We can get pizza there too . My gang used to hangout in the parking lot . Maybe some of them still do . I haven 't been there for years . By now , I would imagine there will be a whole new crop of young people gathering there . " Naw , it 's just a hangout . The rich kids with shiny cars stayed on one side of the lot and the poorer ones with junkers had the other side . Everyone just comes to eat and bullshit each other . " I paused , thinking a minute before answering . " You know , I never gave it much thought to which side I was more comfortable with . I guess you can say I was comfortable with either . I dated girls from both sides . " " You would introduce me to some of your old girlfriends ? You 're crazy . Look at me . I 'd be embarrassed . Not for myself , but for you . " I drove into Pete 's Place and circled the parking lot . I was waiting for the inevitable question . It came . " Is this place named for you ? " I laughed because this was what I was always asked . " Just a coincidence , that 's all . " I drove slowly by the parked cars and finally pulled up beside an old car that had a man and woman leaning on it . There was a small child of two sitting in a car seat that had been removed and placed on the ground . There was another seat in the back still attached . The woman was openly nursing an infant . " That 's Sammy . We went together part way through high school and I took her to the Junior Prom . She met Gordon and they married soon after . Gordon cut me out and look at them now . We 'll say hi . " We said hi all right . Sammy saw me as I got out of the car . She thrust the baby into Gordon 's arms , quickly covering up , and did a little moon walk right into my arms . I was kissed soundly . She turned to Ginger . " Pete taught me those steps . He kissed me on my sixteenth birthday too . My first real kiss , by the way . " I took over . " Sammy and Gordon , this is Ginger Adams . We met a couple of weeks ago and have become friends . Friends enough so I asked her to come live with my mother . I 'm leaving for England day after tomorrow . We are on a date tonight . I wanted to show her around my old stomping grounds and hopefully to meet some of my friends . " " That 's great Pete . Hey , meet my kids . This is Tammy , she is almost three . Say hi to the man Tammy . " The little girl was shy and hid behind her mother . Sammy didn 't pressure the child further . " This is Junior . He is eight months . He 's a hungry little sucker and growing like a weed . Gordon and I are planning one more . We figure that is all we can afford . What are you going to be doing in England ? " " I 'm working for an architectural firm with the headquarters located here in the city . I was recruited by the California office while in college and I 'm being sent over to examine an old monastery . I 'm to take pictures and make sketches . I 'll do a lot of measuring . Basically I 'm to make a floor plan of the place . Also , I 'm looking for something that the client can use to fill out a vision that he is in the process of formulating . " He was vacationing in Europe and was impressed with the view of one from the air while flying over several churches and monasteries . I may decide to hire a plane and take pictures from different angles from the air . He will use one of the scenes as a picture on his wine label . This is my first assignment and I 'm hoping I do well . I have a lot of leeway and as much money to get the firm what they think the client wants . " " I know , Sammy . I 've never been anywhere but here and at the university . I 'm pretty excited about the whole deal . I 'm going to miss my mother though . I hardly ever see her anymore . These last two weeks are the longest we have been together in the last year . That is why when I ran into Ginger and found she was free I proposed she come live with Mom . Mom wasn 't going out at all and she needs someone around . She will still miss me , but Ginger is a fun person . " " Sammy , I was running from a party the police were busting up . He let me into his car before they rounded me up . He saved me from a whole lot of grief . " " That sounds like Pete . He is one of the good guys . Hey , my pizza is ready . Pete , I 'm glad we ran into you and Ginger . Have fun in England . When you are back in town , please come visit us . We are in the phone book . Have fun on your date with Pete , Ginger . I always did . " " Gordon , you have a great family . I glad things are going well for you . I 'll look you up when I return . " We shook hands and Ginger and I got back into my car . I turned to her , " There is a real nice couple . I hope to have someone as nice as Sammy is for a wife someday . " " Ginger , I 'm just one person . There are a lot of nice people out there . Become a nice person yourself and you will find one for yourself . I think you 're pretty nice already . You are more than half - way there . " I drove around to the other side of the building to order , parking in the back . Not many cars here yet , but it would get busy later . " Do you want to eat inside or out here in the car ? " " You do know how to make a person feel good . " I received a bright smile and Ginger was almost skipping as we entered . We ordered a supreme pizza . Ginger had a diet coke and I ordered Bud Light . We took a number and sat back in the corner . We sat people watching , not saying much and being comfortable . " Not much to tell . I 've always been interested in different types of buildings and how they were constructed . My goal is someday to design a building and have my name attached to it . There have been a few architects who have stood the test of time . . . some for centuries in fact . It may never happen for me , but it is a nice dream . Anyway , I went to university and concentrated on learning everything I could . " In my second year , I hooked up with a girl , named Rita and we lived together until a few months ago . But she found me too dedicated and gave me a choice of loosening up about my work and giving her more attention . I chose to stay on the course , so we parted . This was just before I was recruited by the firm I 'm now working for . " " It was at a job fair run by the university . I think being willing to travel immediately helped them make up their minds about me . I 'm not ashamed of my scholastic record either , but there were others just as qualified . " " My firm has a satellite office near the university . The headquarters just happen to be located here in Minneapolis . I 've only been into the headquarters here in Minneapolis since coming back home . Mostly to get orders and details about what they want . I 've been given a lot of leeway and I 'm supposed to use my imagination . They want me to come back with enough facts so they can make a presentation to our client . Whether I will be involved in creating the plans for the building remains to be seen . " Probably not since there are some well known architects on the staff . I just want to do a credible job at my first assignment . " Just then our number was called and Ginger immediately got up and went to the counter for the box . While she was gone , a woman slid into her seat . " Hi Pete , I haven 't seen you since high school . " Rachael and I had been an item for awhile . She had one thing on her mind and I wanted to be exclusive with her . That was until I had the promise , but not the fact . We parted then , but still spoke when we met . " Good , still a free spirit . Got married , but it lasted for only a year . I 'm divorced now for the same reason you and I broke up . I 'll settle down someday . " Just then Ginger came back with our pizza . The contrast between the two women was there before the room to see . Rachel was much shorter than Ginger and she was mature and svelte . Also her make up and dress were impeccable . Ginger didn 't come off very well by comparison . She still had zits , was overweight , and looked like the teenager she was . Mom had worked with her on her looks which I didn 't realize until this minute . The zits were less and mother had done her best to reduce them . Also she had styled her hair and it looked really nice . Her eyebrows were plucked and she wore a soft pink lipstick . I stood and took the pie box from my date . " Ginger , meet Rachel O ' Connell . I went with her for awhile in high school . Rachel , this is my date for the evening . Meet Ginger Adams . " " Hello Ginger . Lucky you having Pete choose you for a date . You 'll find he is a real nice guy . Hey , I can 't stay . Pete , it was nice seeing you and also in meeting you Ginger . Pete , call me sometime and maybe we can go out and relive old times . " We watched Rachel wend her way across the room . There was a good looking older man who took her arm as she approached the door and they left together . " Are you going to call her , Pete ? " " Pete , tell me why you and I are sitting here right at this moment ? You 're an adult and I 'm just a kid . Yet you don 't seem to be patronizing me . Why ? " " Ginger , you are almost an adult . Don 't sell yourself short either . I think you are more intelligent than you give yourself credit for . Someday , I do believe you will be as beautiful as Rachel was tonight . I also think you are going to be a lot nicer . Why ? Because you have had a lot of problems in your young life , just as I have had . You are handling it well just as I think I have done . " You keep saying I 'm nice . Well , I think you are too . One other thing , our pizza is getting cold . Let 's eat . " I grinned and opened the box , breathing in the aroma . I received a grin and we dug in . Getting full , there were two pieces left over and we saved them to give to Mom . " Let 's go to the movies . " We chose a comedy and laughed all the way through it .

I really enjoyed living in Korea . I wanted to go back there , but I had to find a new company to work for . I did not trust English Channel anymore . I considered myself lucky for getting out when I did and with all the money owed to me . I was on a long trip and did not have much time to job search until I got stuck in Mongolia . The day my brother , mother , and I were to fly out of Ulanbataar , there was a sand storm . Our flight kept getting delayed . There was also a problem with my Russian visa . The expiration date for my visa to Russia was soon approaching , and I was still in Mongolia . I took to the internet at a cafe to see what I could do about it . There was nothing to be done . The problem sorted itself out in the end . But , it gave me time on the internet to do some job hunting . I kept an e - version of all the documents I needed , so when I found a job ad for SMOE , I applied right away . I hoped that I would get the job , but at the time I had other things to worry about . I felt that working for the government would be better than working for a company . I would not have to worry about not being paid on time or the company going bankrupt . I could just concentrate on doing a good job . We spent a few days in Russia then moved on to Finland . When we were checking in to our hostel there my mom 's cell phone rang . Since she had an international sim card in her phone , I gave SMOE her phone number to contact me . I was told that my resume sparked their interest . They asked me a few questions which I seemed to answer to their satisfaction . They said that someone would call me later for an interview . I was to stay near the phone until then . A few countries after that , we were at a train station in Paris waiting for the Euro - star to London . We had a 30 - minute wait ahead of us when a lady from SMOE called . The timing could not have been more perfect . I ran to a quiet area and the interview started . It felt like a very informal chat . I think the interviewer was just checking to make sure I was not a creep or crazy person . At the end of the phone called , the lady told me that , although she could not tell me officially yet , I pretty much had the job . I think that getting a job with SMOE back then was easier than it is today . There were several people I met at SMOE that I was surprised could get any job , much less one working with children . One guy missed a whole morning of meetings at orientation because he drank too much the night before and was passed out in a stairwell . For the week of orientation everyone was supposed to abstain from alcohol . It took several months for me to get back to Korea . In the United States , it took 2 months for me to get my paperwork done . The Korean government had just changed the laws concerned with foreign workers and even the people at the Korean embassy weren 't too sure what to do . I had to get 2 types of background checks . I had to visit doctors to get x - rays and blood tests . After which , I had to get an apostille from the Korean consulate in Georgia . I had no idea what an apostille was , and I 'm still not completely sure . One of the many benefits of working for the government is that they paid to fly me to Korea . Both GEOS and English Channel made me pay for my flight then reimbursed the cost after I had worked for 6 months or so . SMOE , and later the JET Programme , paid for my ticket up front . When I got back to Seoul , I spent my first 3 weeks living with a co - worker . My apartment was not yet ready , so one of the English teachers volunteered to have me stay at her place . I hung out with her and her family . I felt completely welcomed and had a great time . I taught classes my first week at work . The second week I had orientation . At first I was expecting it to be like the useless meetings GEOS made me go to , but it was much , much better than that . First , they sent us off to stay are the Hyundai Learning Center which is a really nice place . It looked pretty new when I was there ; new dorm rooms , new gym , new laundromats . The center also had free wi - fi , a gym , and basketball and tennis courts outside , and plenty of congregating areas as well as a convenience store in the basement . There were only a few rules : 1 . Don 't leave the campus and 2 . no alcohol . Many people had a problem with the rules . They felt as though they were being treated like babies . But for only one week , for your job ? Come on ! Some of the presentations and lectures were boring . If you had ever taught English before there was very little new information here ; a good refresher course though . But for me , the orientation was not really about learning a bunch of methods for teaching ; I already knew that . It was about meeting new people who would help me survive the year in Korea . I did take notes when I heard something interesting or new . But , mostly I collected friends . I Facebook friended people I liked , lived near me , or shared several interests with me . There were almost 200 new teachers at the orientation , so there were plenty of people to choose from . Many people did not like the food they served at orientation . They were new to the country and were not yet used to Korean food . I liked most of what was served to me about 80 % of the time . Other than fish soup and spam , I 'll eat pretty much any type of Korean food . The night they first served octopus was quite entertaining . Many westerners don 't eat octopus ; squid sure , but not octopus . There is just something disturbing about purple meat . It took me a while before I could eat it without having to talk myself into it first . I enjoyed working at a high school in Seoul . I felt more immersed in Korean culture since I had more Korean coworkers . I mostly taught kids , but I had 2 classes where I taught the English teachers and 2 were I taught the non - English teachers . I trusted many of my co - workers and went to them when I needed advice or help . And they did the same with me . I loved teaching these girls . ( I taught at an all girl high school . ) They were funny , witty , and creative . You know how most high school girls are . There were a couple of bad eggs , but most of them were mostly charming , most of the time . But I think the biggest difference with working with SMOE over a company , is that SMOE is a lot bigger than any of the companies in Seoul . They hired more foreign teachers than the hagwons . The many people I met at orientation , made a huge difference for me throughout the year . Not only that , but I made friends with their friends and their friends ' friends . With SMOE my social net kept getting broader and broader . I had my core close friends , but many other people I would meet up with once in a while . I enjoyed teaching English in Japan and wanted to try it in a new country . After a year in the ESL teaching industry , I knew what I liked and didn 't like . I liked teaching adults . I hated teaching little kids . Some people love teaching babies and toddlers because they are so cute . But , if I have to wear a suit to work , I would prefer not to be thrown up or peed on . Besides , I hate singing and dancing . ( I 'll do it if I have to , but I will never like it . ) Jobs in Korea have different benefits than jobs in Japan . They both provide you with national health care and basic training . They both find you an apartment . But in Japan , you have to pay the rent . In Korea your boss pays the rent . In both Japan and Korea you have to pay into the national pension . In Korea you get all of your pension back when you leave the country , if you are from the right country . In Japan , you only get the first 3 year 's work worth of pension that you put in . I woke up at 5 : 00 on a Tuesday when my cell phone rang . It was Mr . Webster at English Channel . I sat up in bed trying to sound awake . He asked if he had called me at the correct time . " No , " I said . Then I pretended that being called at 5 in the morning was no problem . " I was already up … um , organizing stuff . " He started the interview . He asked questions and I answered them , quite well I must add . I was fast asleep 15 minutes before and sitting in bed in my pajamas , but I was killing this interview . At the end of the phone call I was told that I would be hired . I just had to do some paperwork , which I did . Then I sent my passport to the Korean consulate in Georgia to get a visa . Within 2 weeks I was in Seoul . They did training and orientation for 3 days near one of their branches in Gangnam . There were 6 of us and we would all be sent to different schools around Seoul . I kept in regular contact with 3 of them until they left Korea . ( I traveled with one of them to Thailand . ) English Channel never called itself a school ; it was a " language clinic " . It was very gimmicky , but I guess we were supposed to be doctors , nurses , or scientists … I don 't know . But wearing the coat meant I never had to iron my shirt . Hell , I could wear the same shirt all week and no one would know . In the winter I wore long woolen shirts under my lab coat and in the summer I wore a tank top . That 's right ; I wore a spaghetti strap tank top to work on hot days . No one would know ; you only saw a small triangle of my shirt anyway . Life was great at English Channel . I liked my co - workers and would hang out or take trips with them often . The managers we had were all at least tolerable ; even the one who didn 't seem to like foreigners much . And , the job was easy . There were no lessons to plan . The books they used came in lesson - form already . There was no paperwork for me to do . I would even get a bonus during the months I taught more than some set amount of classes . There were also no meetings to attend . The only mandatory gatherings we had were branch sponsored dinners we had to go to every 3 months and the big Christmas company - wide dinner . We had to dress up for the Christmas dinner at a swanky restaurant in a posh hotel and sit through many boring speeches , but then we all got to eat as much free 5 star food we wanted . It was by far , the best free meal I ever had ! Things were going so well , I started thinking about signing up for another year at English Channel . I had an around - the - world trip planned , but I was hoping to return to Korea and English Channel when that was done . But , during my last few months we got a new manager . He thought we could make more money by changing a few things . The company stood out from the rest of the English schools in Korea because it was the only one that offered one - on - one classes . Students could have lessons go as quickly or slowly as they needed . They could also feel safe to make mistakes , because it was just them and the teacher in the class . The new manager thought , that we could double our profits if we put 2 or 3 students in a class instead of just one . We tried it , and within a month many students left . I could see the results quickly . Chatty students clammed up when they were no longer the only student . At the end of April 2008 , my contract was up and I left for my trip . Within the first month of leaving English Channel , I was supposed to get my end of the contract bonus . But when I checked my bank account , there was no deposit from English Channel . I sent an email to the new personnel guy at the head office . I told him that I had yet to receive the year - end bonus . I got an email back from him a few days later where he basically told me that life was tough and that I should not be such a whiner . I had never really dealt with this new guy before , but I had heard my co - workers complain about what a jerk he was . Rather than get into it with him again , I emailed the personnel guy that Mr . Jerk had replaced . Mr . Webster was the man who interviewed me and he was the guy I turned to . I sent him a copy of the email Mr . Jerk sent me and asked him what he thought I should do about it . He told me not to worry and that he would take care of it . Within a week I had my money . Later I heard from the co - workers I left behind that Mr . Webster got frustrated with the horrible changes the company was making and he quit his job . After that English channel stopped paying its employees on time . Then they stopped paying the Korean staff all together . One of the native English teachers found out that English Channel stopped paying into the employee 's pensions and health insurance . Everyone I knew at English Channel left . The last I heard they shut down many of their branches . I think there are none left . Mark and I had an argument around October of 2012 . He wanted to go to Seoul to visit his new cousins . I said that it was too expensive . Me : Didn 't you say the Beetle is not that cheap around peak seasons ? And , it only takes us to Busan . We still have to take a train to Seoul . Then we 'll have to pay for a hotel ! Mark : We don 't have to pay for a hotel . My cousin wants us to stay at her house . And , I found cheap airline tickets on JejuAir that cost less for two round trip tickets than one one - way fare on the Beetle . When we got to the airport Mark 's cousin and her husband were there waiting for us . The cousin gave us both big hugs . I could tell she was very happy to see us . They stood there asking us questions . They found this extremely amusing . " 가자 , " the husband said mockingly while laughing as he led us to their car . During the trip they would continually set the conversation up so that Mark could say , " 가자 ! " They enjoyed hearing Mark " speak Korean " . We got up early in the morning and watched Sponge Bob Squarepants in Korean with the kids . Mark and I wondered what the plans were for the day . For most of the trip , we didn 't know what the plans were . Mark and I had made a few Facebook events to meet up with some friends of ours from Japan that were also in Korea for Christmas . But , other than that , we had no idea what we would be doing over this trip . This day , we found out as we were putting our shoes on to leave , we were going to the movies . As we were getting dress , Mark 's cousin took a good look at my coat . Now , I have lived in Seoul for two years . I 've been through two Seoul winters . But , my last three winters were in Thailand and Kyushu . Kyushu 's winters are quite mild if you stay off the mountains and Thailand … Well , you know . We were dress appropriately for winter in Oita , not Seoul . " Josie No ! Too cold . Sick , you sick . No ! " We stood there and Mark 's cousin and her husband put more clothes on us . We got scarves , gloves , hats , sweaters , and more coats . Mark 's cousin pulled up one of my pant legs to reveal a footie sock . " No ! " She handed me her cell phone . " Snow storm , " it said . I looked out the window . It looked fine . There was no snow storm . I told Mark , " I bet it won 't even snow the whole time we 're here . " But we took the clothes . I felt like an abominable snow man with all those layers of fabric . I could hardly bend my arms . Before we got to Korea I spoke with Mark 's cousin a lot over Facebook . She asked me what Korean dishes I liked most . I didn 't think much of this . " What food do you like " is a common question one gets asked in Asia . I have never met a Japanese or Korean who didn 't ask me this question during our first conversation . I think this is one of the first English questions everyone learns . I told her about some dishes that I liked . I mentioned that my very favorite food , not just in the Korean category but food in general , is gamjatang . Had I known she was not asking for the sake of asking , I would have kept this dish off the list . Gamjatang takes all day to prepare . Like how roasted turkey is only made for Thanksgiving , gamjatang isn 't just a Wednesday night meal . I can 't emphasize this enough . We would sit and eat while Mark 's cousin continued to cook . If the plate of fritters became empty it would be replace with another plate of fritters . I had to pay close attention to my rice bowl . Any time it came close to being half empty it would get filled when my back was turned . After eating so much that sitting upright became a chore Mark 's cousin and her husband would ask , " Soup ? " Then they would proceed ladling soup into a bowl for me . One day after 4 hours of non - stop eating Mark and I sat leaning against the wall for support . One of the kids asked the husband a question . He shot right up as if inspired . " Ice Cream ! " " Ice cream ? " he asked us . " What ! ? No one told me there might be ice cream later . I would have eaten less to make room , " I said . " No you wouldn 't have , " Mark scoffed , " You don 't get to choose when you stop eating around here . " On Christmas day the plan was to meet up with friends from Japan and see Mr . Toilet . I 'm not sure how I managed to talk everyone into this . Oddly enough , no one seemed the least bit hesitant to spend Christmas day at a place called Mr . Toilet 's house . Mark , his cousin and I got to the meeting place early . It was around lunch and there were several eateries to choose from . The cousin asked us where we wanted to eat . There was no doubt . We chose Kimbab Chunggook ( Kimbab Heaven ) . I ordered two of my favorite dishes , cheese ramen and chamchi kimbap . When Mark 's cousin saw my food she giggled . " What 's so funny ? " I asked . " You like child food . " Apparently cheese ramen is the Korean equivalent to mac and cheese . Mr . Toilet , Sim , Jae - Duck , was actually born in a toilet . He grew up with the nickname " doggy poop " . But rather than fight this name , he embraced it . He grew up and became the mayor of Suwon , a town that didn 't have the best toilets in Sim 's opinion . Not satisfied with the sanitary conditions of his city he started the World Toilet Association . He wanted the bathrooms of his city to be a " clean and beautiful resting places imbued with culture " . Later he would knock down his house and rebuild it in the shape of a giant toilet . The centerpiece of the house was in fact a really nice bathroom with a cardboard cutout of Mr . Sim . One of the walls is made of glass giving the user a great view of the living room and the neighbors and giving the neighbors and everyone in the house a great view of the user . Of course you can flick a switch and fog the glass , but who wants to do that ? Outside we walked the grounds looking a potty art and taking photos . There was a section for the history of Korean potties . As we came upon the items in the photo above , Mark 's cousin said , " Mark village . " She stood there nodding her head . " Mark hometown use . Everyone use . " That 's when it hit us . Mark and I knew he was very poor when he lived in Korea , but we were not expecting this . According to the cousin , everyone in the tiny village both she and Mark lived in , used pots like the one in the photo for doing their business . Then someone would come by and empty the pots into barrels and take the contents away . When the cousin was in the US , Mark 's family took her to see the sights in Michigan . When Mark and I went to Seoul , she wanted to do the same for us . During dinner on our first night she and her husband told us about the places in Seoul . " Seoul Tower ; you know ? " one of them would ask . " Yes . I lived near there my first year in Korea . " They kept naming other places , palaces , museums , Lotte World . Then we 'd show them pictures of us at those places . We 've been everywhere in Seoul already . After Mr . Toilets House the husband had an idea . " We can show them the fort in Suwon . " They would surprise us and not tell us where we were going . We hopped on a bus and the cousin got very excited . " Korean special history place . " As the bus went further into Suwon , Mark and I tried to guess where we were going . " The only thing I can think of in Suwon is the Hwaseong fortress . " The cousin turned around to look at me . " Oh , you know ! ? " We got off the bus and walked along the wall . Mark and I contemplated going in anyway . But right then I started to feel cold and tired … and worse . My throat felt scratchy . The cousin was right , I was getting sick . The next day I woke up feeling a bit feverish . Both the cousin and the husband had to work . We were going to use this day to visit our old hang - outs in Seoul . We even made it all the way to my old neighborhood of Chang - dong . When I lived in Chang - dong they were building a new mall at Chang - dong station . This mall would have been right next to the apartment building I lived in . During my year in Chang - dong I saw this mall go from the ground and slowly make its way to just below my 9th floor apartment . I thought they would be done by the time I came back . We got off at Chang - dong station expecting to see a great mall . But there was nothing . It looked like construction had stopped shortly after I left . I 'm not sure what happened . We walked around Chang - dong . We were going to head to Myeong - dong next , but my temperature was going up . Mark thought it would be best if I got out of the cold and rested . So we went back to the cousin 's home . I slept the rest of the day . I missed lunch , dinner , and all snacks in between . Every once in a while someone would come into my room and touch my head . Their hands were icy cold . Mark : " Your head is very hot . You have a 40 degree fever . I don 't know what that is in Fahrenheit but if it gets up to 41 my cousin is going to take you to the hospital whether you like it or not . In fact , she thinks you might have to stay in the hospital overnight and you will have to stay home tomorrow . " I was not about to not go out the next day for jim dak . I had to seem to be better . So , I got up and walked around a bit . I even ate some type of porridge . I drank tea and juice and a packet of drugs the cousin gave me . ( It 's okay ; she 's a nurse . ) I smiled my best I 'm - feeling - so - much - better smile . I even began to actually feel better . Then I went back to bed as everyone else began dinner # 3 . It 's hard to spend about a week in Korea without giving a good try at gaining 10 pounds . The food is just so good and many of the restaurants are quite affordable . On Thursday I felt well enough to go out , so Mark and I took his cousin and our friends to my favorite jjimdak restaurant in Seoul . I warned my friends ahead of time . This restaurant specialises in jjimdak ; all they sell is jjimdak . There are a few different flavors of jjimdak , but I like the traditional jjimdak best . I take mine with a medium level of hotness . Mark likes to challenge the cook to make it as hot as she can . There was so many of us that we kind of took over the restaurant . I think we ordered every kind of jjimdak they had in both spicy and mild . Spicy wasn 't too bad if you stayed clear of the red peppers . Jjimdak is a dish that is both delicious and hard to eat . It has a wonderfully spicy sauce with glass noodles and , this being Korea , is eaten with metal chopsticks . The sauce - glass noodle - metal chopsticks combination makes it very hard to get the food into your mouth . Then the sauce and glass noodles become a choking hazard because the stuff tries to slide down your throat before you can chew it . But , it 's totally worth it once you get the hang of it ! Of course you cannot have dinner with this many friends without heading to noribang ( karaoke ) afterwards . Korean noribang , where you pay per hour , is so much cheaper than Japanese karaoke , where you pay per person per hour . Plus , if you go to a posh noribang in Korea , it comes with a free drink or ice cream and costumes and / or toys . ( Some come with noribang " helpers " but I 'm not going to explain that . Let 's keep things PG . ) I am going to North Korea . Well I have already been there , but at the time of this trip I was going to North Korea . I tried to talk Mark into coming with me , but he adamantly refused . He did however , agree to go with me to a movie set of a film of the DMZ . We all have to compromise once we are married , I guess . Korea loves to make historical dramas . Many of them are filmed on this lot . Walking around the KOFIC Namyangju Studios is like walking back in time ( minus the electrical outlets everywhere ) . We had fun posing in buildings and with props . We came upon a house with thatched roof ; the one in the photo above . It looked like a shabby house from a few centuries ago . The cousin looked at it and said , " Mark house . Child Mark house . " Then she pointed to a house a few houses down and said , " my house . Child my house . " At first we thought she was showing us how close her house was to Mark 's house when they were little kids . But she kept pointing to things on the house like the door and the thatched roof and saying , " Mark house " . This is what Mark 's and her childhood houses looked like . Shin Sang - Ok was a South Korean film director that was kidnapped and brought to North Korea on orders of Kim Jong - il . After spending a few years in a gulag , he was ordered to make movies for the DPRK . He was eventually able to escape while at a film festival in Vienna . After a few years spent making movies and living in the US he moved back to Korea . There he continued making films and wrote a book called The Kingdom of Kim . I have been dying to read this book , but as of now there is no English translation of it . We got up very early and set out by car to the other side of Korea . We went to Sokcho , an area that is known for its mountain Seoraksan , its beach , Sokcho Beach , for being super cold in winter , and for being close to the DMZ . In fact it used belong to North Korea but it was given to South Korea after the Korean war . The cousin told us that we would go to Waterpia , but I never understood what she said until we were actually there I and saw the name written . She said it was an outdoor waterpark . I thought that this was not such a good idea . I had just gotten over the fever I had and was just starting to feel normal . An outdoor waterpark in the middle of winter did not sound like fun . ( Look at the photo above . Does that inspire you to go swimming ? ) When we checked into our pension I looked out the window and all I saw was snow and ice . I also saw the outdoor pool and it was practically frozen . " This is crazy ! I 'm not swimming in this . " The cousin laughed at me . " No . Waterpia . No . " She waved her hand at the frozen pool when she said no . Then I saw the indoor portion of the pension 's water area . It looked steamy but small . It looked more like something I could deal with so I headed towards it . " No , " the cousin said again , " Waterpia . " We got back into the car and drove a few miles down the road . When we got there I read the sign . WATERPIA . Oh , that 's what she was saying . This place was huge ! I put on my swimsuit and swim cap ( Everyone must wear a swim cap . ) and got ready for some fun . This place was amazing . The water was heated in both the indoor and outdoor pools and rides . There were pools , slides , hot tubs for many , hot tubs for two , hot tubs filled with green tea , hot tubs filled with what looked like purple Kool - aide , green Kool - aide , and pink Kool - aide , cool hot tubs , almost boiling hot tubs , and hot water stations to warm up in while you move from hot tub to hot tub outdoors . There was one ride with a long line . We didn 't know what it was for but if the line was long it had to be good . ( The starting photo for the video shows a version of the ride with no cover . In the winter a cover is put on to keep the warmth in . This makes the ride dark and creepy . I didn 't like it . It was nice enough to try once , but not a second time . The older I get the less I like thrill rides . But Mark and the kids loved it . Around closing time when there was no line they rode it again and again and again . I prefered relaxing in the various hot tubs . My favorite was the 40 degree hot tub . Mark pointed out that 40 degrees was the temperature of my fever a few nights back . Now I could see what the fuss was about . I could not stay in that hot tub for too long ; it was too hot . The following day , Sunday the 30th we spent driving back to Seoul , watching cartoons in Korean and playing card games . Mark could not be beaten . This cause the men to start drinking which did not improve their chances of winning . I 've lived in Korea for 2 years and one thing I 've always wanted to do , but never got around to doing it , is have lunch or coffee in one of those lovely shops in the subway . I don 't mean a place near the subway or just outside the turnstiles , but in the station underground . When I lived in Korea and I used the subway I was always on my way to go somewhere . The most I ever had time for was a vending machine coffee or a newsstand kimbab . This day we stopped at a station , found a nice coffee shop with tables and chairs ( two of the first and four of the latter ) , and we ordered some coffee and dessert . Before we got to the subway station with the coffee and waffles , we walked over Mapo Bridge . This bridge is one of the most popular bridge for depressed people to jump off from . It has become such a problem that it was renamed Life Bridge . There are many posters and signs along the bridge showing you other things you can do that would be better than jumping , like eating great food or playing with your kids . There are statues that encourage giving life one more try and a suicide hotline you can call along with a free public phone for the hotline . When I worked at a public school in Seoul I would always have to make sure to get to the cafeteria early on gamjatang day . Normally the teachers do not go back for seconds and thirds , but everyone does on gamjatang day . ( Teachers and students ate different meals in different cafeterias . They gave the kids pizzas and burgers while giving teachers Korean food . ) Once I made the mistake of catching a student writing on the desk and had to stay after class to watch her ( It was an all girls ' school . ) wash every desk in the class . By the time I got to the cafeteria it was 45 minutes into lunch and all that was left was rice and gamjatang sauce . All the meat and potatoes were gone . After that I never punished anyone on gamjatang day ! We left Korea the next day . Our suitcase was filled treats from Korea like hazelnut coffee , electronics , and Twix . The prices of everything in Korea is so much lower than in Japan ! We bought so much stuff I was worried our suitcase would be overweight . It was , but since we were together and our other bag was so underweight , they didn 't bother us about it . The cheapest thing on the menu would be a plain kimbab for about 1 , 000KRW . The plain kimbab ( 김밥 ) is a kimbab rice roll with egg , ham , carrot , spinach , pickled radish and burdock . ( I 'm not sure what burdock is , but if it 's part of a kimbab it must be delicious . ) Subway : Go to Suwon Station on line 1 . Make sure to get on a train heading in Suwon 's Direction or you 'll end up in Incheon when line 1 splits . It takes about an hour and a half to get to Suwon from Seoul Station . Cost : This is not an expensive restaurant . But , gamjatang is one of the most expensive dishes in the menu . It costs about 20 , 000KRW for a 2 - person pot of stew . This will actually be too much food for 2 people but good for 3 . I 'm not sure that the restaurant has set hours . It opens when it opens . It will be closed in the morning and open by lunch . It will be closed again late at night when there are no more customers . We spent Christmas of 2012 in South Korea . We were visiting Mark 's cousins who , just a few years before , he didn 't know he had . He met them , along with his biological father , at a reunion in the states earlier in the year . But , let 's start at the beginning of Mark 's childhood . I will try to tell his story . What I know I 've pieced together from what the Korean government has told Mark and things his new cousins have said . Mark was born on a southern island in Korea . He was given the name Choi , JaeMin . He , his sister and brother lived with their parents in a poor village . Also living in this village was Mark 's uncle on his father 's side and the uncle 's family . The uncle had two daughters who were quite fond of Mark and his siblings . Mark 's father earned money collecting sea weed , but his income was small . The father also had a tendency to get drunk . This made Mark 's mother very unhappy . One day the mother could not take it anymore . She left without any word of where she was going . Without a mother to look after them , Mark and his siblings were often left unattended . Mark 's Uncle also didn 't have much money . There was a time when Mark , his siblings , and cousins were taken to church to be fed and get clothes even though they were not Christians . The family eventually moved to Korea 's second largest city , Busan , in an attempt to improve their standard of living . However , the move did not help . Finding work and making enough to take care of three small children prove to be very difficult for Mark 's father . The excessive drinking continued . How greatly this effected his children 's welfare is uncertain . What we do know , is that he was neglecting them . Someone reported small naked and dirty children running around unattended and the government stepped in . Mark and his siblings were taken to several different orphanages . According to his cousins , one day their father took them to Mark 's father 's house . They asked him where his kids were . He just said , " They 're gone . " It took years before the cousins found out that the kids were put up for adoption and living in America somewhere . The kids were put in a Korean orphanage . Mark remembers nothing of this . His earliest memory is of being in a house with pet rabbits in Tennessee . He and his siblings ended up in the US foster care system . A couple had adopted them from Korea , brought them to the states , then got a divorce putting the kids back up for adoption . They would be placed with one more family before finding their final home . Michelle is a woman with a big heart . She had opened her home to help some Vietnamese teenagers in the past , but by 1988 they were all grown up . She thought about adopting some kids of her own . There was an adoption agency helping her to bring over a pair of sisters from Korea . However , this adoption fell through . It turned out that the mother who put her kids into the orphanage was visiting them every weekend . The man she married didn 't want the children from her previous marriage around . Unsure if the kids were truly being given up , the agency decided that they couldn 't proceed with the adoption . Then one day the agency called Michelle to tell her about some kids that were already in the states . They needed a home right away . The agency wanted to know if she would be willing to take them . She wanted two girls , but would she take two boys and a girl instead ? On April 12 , 1988 Michelle and her family went to the airport to pick the kids up . Mark says he didn 't really understand what was happening that day . He thought they were just going to another home to live for a short time . Michelle said that the kids kept asking questions like , " How long will we stay ? " And , when they did something bad , they thought they would be sent away . Mark 's sister , was upset when they were officially adopted . She thought that if her name changed her father would never find them . She thought her dad was still looking for them , but her memories of her father and Korea were fading . Eventually , she would hardly remember anything about Korea . After college Mark decided to spend some time traveling before entering the work force . Since he was born in Korea , the easiest country for him to get a visa for was Korea . So that 's where he went . He found a nice school to work for and signed a one year contract . Once in Korea he started the process to get an Alien Registration Card with his F4 visa . This is a type of visa given only to foreign nationals who were born in Korea or children of Korean parents . During this process Mark was asked if he wanted help with finding his birth parents . Although he set out to live in the country of his birth , it never occurred to him to look for his biological parents . He turned down this offer of help . He spent two years living in Korea and never gave another thought to finding his Korean family . Mark eventually moved to Japan . He entered Japan on a tourist visa and then found a job there . To change from a tourist visa to a work visa he had to leave the country . Since it was just a boat ride away , Mark headed for Korea . Mark was not sure how long he would live in Japan . Since he was in Korea anyway he decided to renew his F4 visa . As with most things , it 's easier to renew a valid visa than to apply for a new one . If for any reason he decided to go back to Korea , having an F4 visa already would make it easier for Mark to find a job . He went down to the government office to renew his visa and get a new Alien Registration Card . This time he did ask for help finding his parents . He wasn 't sure they could be found . He was always told that someone had dropped him and his siblings off at an orphanage . The three of them had pieces of paper with their names and birthdays pinned to their shirts . He was told that no one knew where they came from . Mark didn 't even know what town in Korea he was from . He had always guessed Busan , but he didn 't know for sure . They gave him the name and address of his last orphanage . It was in Seoul . The next day he went there and walked up to the front desk . The clerk told him that he would only be given his biological parents ' information if the parents were also looking for him . Mark thought that he had found a dead - end . Obviously , no one would be looking for him because as far as Mark knew he and his siblings were abandoned . The clerk looked through some files . He was just about to send Mark away when something caught the clerk 's eye . People were looking for him . " Who ? " Mark thought . A few years ago a cousin came to the orphanage . She had been looking for the kids for years . She traced them from the orphanage in Busan to other orphanages throughout the country and then to the one in Seoul . But , there wasn 't much she could do other than put in a request to find the kids and hope that one day they would look for her too . But there was more … The father had also been looking for the kids . He too had put in a request . He went to Seoul years after his kids had left Korea . He was told that they were living in America . The kids were about 8 to 12 - years - old and he was not allowed to contact them . He would have to wait until they started to look for him . In December 2010 Mark started to look for his Korean family before going back to Japan . Things started rolling . The cousins were contacted and given the phone number to Mark 's sister in the states . The two Korean sisters talked to one of their long - lost cousins for the first time in years . Neither spoke the other 's language and relied on translators . A reunion was planned for the following year . It would take place in July 2012 in the states at Michelle 's home in Michigan . The cousins , their kids , and Mark 's dad would all go to America to see the adopted kids . They would meet Michelle , Mark , Mark 's brother and sister , and Mark 's sister 's kids . They would also meet Michelle 's brothers and their families . Still , none of the Koreans spoke English and none of the Americans spoke Korean . A friend from Michelle 's church helped with the translating some of the time . They had to use Google . Translate the rest of the time . They stayed up late almost every night trying to make up for all the time apart . The cousins tried to tell the kids what they could remember of their pasts . They even brought photos of the time when everyone lived on the island , but nothing looked familiar to the adopted kids . They were all so young back then . We saw the crowd lining up to buy subway tickets . We hoped that our T - money cards from Seoul would work in Busan , but they didn 't . They are supposed to work in Busam , but somehow we couldn 't get them too . We got in the line and got our tickets and entered the new subway system . It was like being in a parallel universe . It looked a lot like Seoul 's subway , but not quite . There weren 't enough subway lines . And the ajimas were … nice . At one point during the trip , we were standing in front of a ticket machine trying to figure out how to get to the beach . An old lady came by and she was pointing to the map on the machine . Being a Seoulite , I assumed that she wanted to cut in line or rob us and leave us for dead . But in Busan , the city of smiles , she was just trying to show us the best way to get to the best beach . I 'm just kidding . An ajima , an married lady , from Seoul would never rob anyone . They just like elbowing , shoving , pushing , and stealing seats on the subway . But they would totally leave you for dead if they had the opportunity and enjoy every minute of it ! I love to swim , especially at the beach . So when I got to Heaundae beach it seemed like a sin to have traveled all the way to Busan and not even try out the water . I went in first . Vicky followed . Vicky and I were the only 2 people in the water . It was cold , but I managed to stay in for a good 20 minutes before turning blue . Vicky and I teased and taunted Taryn to come in and join us . We lied to her and told her that it was only slightly chilly . She fell for it . We got out of the water and Titus , Vicky and I played frisbee on land for about an hour . That 's when I first saw him … The Thong Man of Busan . At first I thought he was naked . He had really dark skin and he was wearing a teeny tiny red thong . He was playing frisbee with his friends too . He loved the attention , but not enough people were enjoying his thong . He had to do something … take his thong on the road so to speak . Aha ! He stands up proudly on his jet ski . Now his buttocks are in full view of everyone . The people are pleased . It 's all about the people you know . When I saw " Thong Man " doing his thing on his jet ski , I had only one thought . " I need to get my photo taken with THAT man ! " But how ? My goal seemed too high . All three of us practically ran over to him . We had no idea how we were going to ask him to pose with us . What if he said , " No " ? Should we snap a picture and just run away ? As we got closer to him we saw a group of Korean girls approaching . " Damn it , " I thought , " They have the same idea ! " But no , they were coming towards us . They wanted us to say something in their camera . I don 't remember what it was now . Their pronunciation was really bad and we had no idea what they were saying . Luckily , Thong Man stepped in to save the day . " We want another picture ! " we said and we handed the silly girls all our cameras . Thong man moved between Taryn and me for a better picture position . Snap , Snap , Snap . Go to the long distance station which is above the metro station . It is also called Seoul Station . ( Don 't mistake it for the Old Seoul Station which is now a museum . ) The beaches in Busan are crowded in the summer , but no one swims in other seasons . It 's not illegal to do so . I have done it . But , people think it 's strange to swim on a non - summer day no matter how warm it might be . Bring your own towel . You could buy one near the beach , but they 're pretty crappy . You 're better off buying a T - shirt to dry off with . The beaches in Busan are crowded in the summer , but no one swims in other seasons . It 's not illegal to do so . I have done it . This was my first trip in Korea since my return . I had a new job and lots of new friends to go hiking with . I started work back on August 25 and this , when Korea celebrated Chusok , was our first long weekend . It 's kind of like Thanksgiving back in North America . Most importantly it is time away from work . On our hike up the mountian we passed one of Sarah 's new co - workers . They talked for a little while before Sarah introduced her to us . The lady looked amazed . " Sarah , you have 5 friends ! How ? " We may have looked a bit lost and disorganized , but so what . Getting to the top is only part of what hiking is all about . I think just the fact that I woke up early in the morning and left my apartment is a big accomplishment . I 'm out of shape , so I like to take breaks . Plus I really like being on mountains . The more breaks I take , the more time I can spend on the mountain . But " David " didn 't like that . He was always trying to get us going . He wouldn 't even sit down when we were sitting . He was really pushy for a guy we had just met only 30 minutes ago . I think that eventually he just got fed up with us . Somewhere around the peak he disappeared . We just weren 't the type of lazy bums he wanted to practice his English with . This was to be the last trip I took in Korea . Well , that 's what I thought . The plan was to leave the following week on a boat to China , travel around Asia and Europe for a bit , then get a real job back in the states . What actually ended up happening was that I missed the boat to China and stayed in Korea for an extra 4 days . Then , while on the boat I began to miss Korea so badly that I almost cried . Then while stuck in Mongolia because my flight was delayed for 2 days I started to look for a job in Korea . How many restaurants ? I like hiking in Korea even though I 'm not that into showing off my being out of shape . The mountains are where all the happy Koreans go . The people you find there are mostly retired and love to socialize , especially when you go on a weekday . This was another trip where I talked yet another co - worker into hiking with me . On the first day my friend and I wanted to see a waterfall or two . We left our backpacks at the left luggage by the information center . It would have been cheaper and easier to leave them in the building with the cable car , but we didn 't know that then . I have come to realize that in Korea the difficulty of a hike is directly related to the amount of restaurants you pass on your climb up . Bukhansan had a lot of restaurants , maybe 50 or 60 total , all in little clusters along the mountain . The hike to the waterfall here is only a 2 restaurant hike . The next day we went back to the park early in the morning . We ate breakfast in the park . Lucky for us , they had one picture menu with some basic English . I had lived in Seoul for almost a year and I could read Hangeul , but I still couldn 't recognize most dishes by just their names . We took the cable car to the top of Gwon - Geunseong . There was a plethora of perms and visors as the ajimmas pushed and shoved their way on and off the cable car . They giggled and gasped as the car swayed back and forth a bit before coming to a stop . After we rested for a few minutes we hiked up to Ulsanbawi ( 울산바위 ) . I think it took us about 4 hours to get up and back down . We passed about 4 or 5 restaurants on the way up to the top . Once at the top there was a guy selling photos , key chains , and snacks . Think of the commute that poor guy has every day ! This one was my idea . I saw a picture of a suspension bridge on a mountain in Korea and it motivated me to see it for myself . I found that there were two such mountain bridges . One was on Wolchansan the other on Daedunsan . I opted to hike up Daedunsan because it has a cable car that takes you part way up the mountain . That way I wouldn 't have to do so much hiking , right ? Well it helped me to convince a co - worker and his girlfriend into joining me . Well , the cable car only takes you so far up . You still have to hike up half the mountain and the peak . But the cable car does give you a magnificent view if you 're brave enough to look . The suspension bridge is not very scary . The cable car was more frightening . The bridge doesn 't even shake when people walk across it . People would have to stomp their way along the bridge for it to move just a bit . I was able to look down at the heads of the people who didn 't take the cable car . That gave me a little satisfaction . What was scary was the climb up the stair case to the peak . It was a fantastic view when I turned around , but then I wanted to throw up . The stairs are very high up and it made me feel exposed when I was on it , like I could easily fall off the mountain if I tripped or if the wind blew hard enough . I held on tightly to the railing and stepped very carefully . It was very icy on the peak . Sometimes ice forms at the top of mountains on windy days . There was a stone path and a rope to hold onto . I was quite entertained watching hikers try to get up the peak . I counted 7 falls by 5 different people . There were some hikers wearing crampons , but I didn 't think that was needed . There was some ice at the top , but it didn 't justify lugging crampons up the entire mountain . They would only be needed for the last 30 meters . I made it up to the top without falling , though I came close a couple times . I was quite proud of myself and looked down on the people who fell . Then , on my way down from the peak , the mountain must have moved and smacked me on my back side . I jump up before anyone saw , but had trouble staying up . I slid again this time right into a patch of mud . I descended Deadunsan with a muddy butt . If you hike in the winter , you might want to bring crampons and a change of clothes . Okay , maybe crampons are a bit extreme … But watch your step . I love it when family and friends come and visit me when I live in a foreign country . It 's always great when out of town loved ones stop by for a few days , but the joy is multiplied many times over when they 're coming in from another country . I 've only had a few visits from people back home . There was Makeeya , who was a teammate of mine from my CUC lady pioneers days . She visited me in England one summer . I saw her again in South Korea . I 'm not sure if that really counts as a visit since she moved to Seoul and still lives there now . My mom has visited me twice , once when I lived in Japan and once when I lived in Seoul . On her Japan visit she brought her sister , my aunt Audrey , and aunt Audrey 's husband , uncle Mike . I took them to Tokyo Disney and they had a great time . In Seoul , my mom visited during Christmas . She was in Korea for about a week , but I didn 't have too much time off . I showed her around Seoul and took her to a few places outside the city . I had the great idea for us , Floridian winter haters , to spend lots of time outdoors in the cold December air . I first took her to Suwon . We walked around the the city walls , learning about Korean history and culture . That wasn 't too bad . Then I thought , " Hey , let 's check out a nice cold cave ? " So we rode clear across the country , for about 4 hours , to Samcheok . At least the bus was warm . From my caving experience at that time , I thought that caves were things under the ground . Little did I know that we would have to hike up a mountain to get to this cave . But everything in Korea requires a hike up some mountain . My mom had to rest several times along the way , but she did make it all the way up . The cave was great . Some people criticize it for having too many tacky lights . I said it needs more tacky lights ! My mom really enjoyed the cave . She still talks about it anytime someone asks about her trip to South Korea . " … and you know I had to hike up a mountain in the cold to see the cave ! " This Christmas she will visit me again . I will be living in Japan . She will bring one of her grandkids with her too . She 's just waiting to find out Alex 's school schedule so she can know for what dates to book the flight . I wonder what cold mountains I should make them hike up next ? Subway : Go to Suwon Station on line 1 . Make sure to get on a train heading in Suwon 's Direction or you 'll end up in Incheon when line 1 splits . It takes about an hour and a half to get to Suwon from Seoul Station . Go to the Express Bus Terminal subway station on lines 3 , 7 , and the new line 9 . I think you go out exit 9 , but I 'm not sure . Usually you can just follow the crowds of people pushing and shoving their way to Express Bus Terminal . If all else fails , you can just follow the vague signs or ask for directions . There are three types of buses , general , excellent , and midnight excellent . To Samcheok they cost 15 , 900KRW , 23 , 400KRW , and 25 , 700KRW respectively for an adult one way ticket . Check the website for times and prices . The first bus out of Seoul leaves at 6 : 30 and the last leaves at 23 : 30 . The return trip has similar times . The website says the trip is about 3 : 30 hours long , but it was actually about 4 hours . ( Every bus ride in Korea is about 4 hours ! ) Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this :

Mom , Amy , and I were going to be moving into a new home on Saturday . Mom was telling us that we need to be sure to move during daylight because there are a couple broken windows . Careless Whisper chorus from George Michael I think I was standing in a white hallway . There was a black guy who had his head between my left hip and wall . I playfully asked him what he was doing . I was sitting between two black guys , who both were interested in me . I didn 't have a top over my garments . The guy on my right asked if I know / had met Jesus . I said no , but He knows who I am . I told the guys that they look like brothers , after looking at and comparing , their noses . I asked the one on the left where his family comes from , meaning Africa . I think he said Iowa . I said , no , your grandparents / great - grandparents . ( From Feb . 28 , 2015 ) There are two ladies who are called before calling the firemen . They are at someone 's house , spreading baking powder all over in a girls room , so the fire wouldn 't spread . They also did another room , the parents ( ? ) . They were to do only the two rooms , but decided to do the bathrooms as well . I didn 't see the fire . The old man neighbor being friendly . For some reason , we live in their home / house , and have for about 4 years . They are about to go somewhere . She , and I , are in the garage , but she is taller . She says something about having my stuff for several years . I ask , curiously , " So how long have you had my stuff ? " She then starts looking around in the stuff she has stored against the left wall ( garage door in front ) . She mentions to me to look for something with circles . The image that comes to mind are the Audi circles . She isn 't finding what she 's looking for , so puts masking tape across the areas where she has looked . Ali comes home after work , worn out . 33 . 974921 I had bleeding legs from shaving to hard . I was inside a building , with separate rooms , for bands to come and give small concerts . The first room I was in was for KISS . They weren 't out / on stage yet , but everything was set up for them , and there were 4 microphones next to each other . Someone was speaking over the speakers talking about how the group came together . I then went into a room with Fall Out Boy . The singer was yelling the lyrics , and was almost laying down , propped up on something with his left arm , facing up . There were 20 - somethings there , sitting as if in a living room , comfortable . It was known that sex happened among the audience . I didn 't see any happening , but left because I didn 't want to see . I went back to the room with KISS . ( From Feb . 19 , 2015 ) Women were coming out of a building , not sure if it was a church , but they were dressed as such . I asked Amy , " Is that it ? " , thinking there was more . As I was walking along one of the sidewalks , there was a brown pit bull / boxer . Some may have thought he looked scary , but he wasn 't to me . I then saw several black dogs on the other side of him . They were all happy , and doing dog stuff . I pointed out the brown one to Amy . There was also a lady with long brown hair . A Native American ? Amy was then going to drive us home . She was not on the road though , but on top of a craggy hill . She was waiting for a man to move out of a certain place / area so that she could go that way . He moved after us waiting several seconds . As we started to descend , I think I asked if she was sure about this , and if she knew what she was doing . We were always pointed down . The last I saw , after going over / past a ledge , the side of the hill went further in , which I think caused the car to start falling , back end starting / coming up and over . 33 . 974884 I was sleeping in bed . My mom comes next to me , and tells me that it 's time to go to bed . I don 't open my eyes . I want to continue sleeping . She turns off the small fan I have beside me . She then wants to show me a newspaper with an article about Oprah , who had brought an older ( 70 's ? ) black lady on her show ( when she had it ) , who had taken care of three ( at different times ) returned vets . Oprah had brought one of them to the show as a surprise . When he started walking out , on the left , audience to his right , she ran over to him to give him a hug . ( I was on set , watching . ) Deion Sanders was there , lying on his left side , propped on his elbow , facing facing forward , and to his right . The audience was to his left . He was wearing a tan / creme suit . The audience was chuckling at something , then he said , " No , serious , I 'm / It 's not very pretty " , alluding that he had also gone to war , and come back disfigured . I couldn 't see anything different about him . ( From Jan . 18 , 2015 ) Kyle was in water , some kind of pool ? , and wanted to see if he could touch the bottom . It was a bit dark , but could still see . He wasn 't able to get to the bottom because of his wound on his stomach still healing . I was also in / under the water , and wanted to say something to him , thinking I might be able , as he was coming back up , but I wasn 't able to . While still dreaming , I was describing / attempting this dream to someone . The family went to visit Judy , who was in the hospital . She was in the right corner room . I didn 't want to go inside , since she isn 't connecting with me at the moment . I turned around , and saw Amy , facing Judy , there , as a patient . I didn 't realize she would be there , so I sat out there , with her , on a couch that was between her and the wall . She was hoping to be able to get out later that day . There were other beds around , with people in them , kinda like the e . r . She was watching a movie that had Emma Thompson ( ? ) . It was obvious , to me , that this was a recent movie , and not made when she was younger , as she had horizontal lines across her face , not too deep , but enough to notice . Emma had something hit her left side of the head , showing a red ribbon falling down the front . She said she was ok , then blood started coming out . Another scene , after time had passed , the blood had suddenly stopped previously , but then started back up again , getting all over the walls / place , which scared her . I told Amy I wasn 't going to watch . There was a path / road in between fences ( ? ) . I was driving the small white Toyota pickup I used to have ( didn 't see ) , and stopped behind a semi without the trailer . I got out to ask the driver , who was standing outside , if I could make it , because there was a short distance that 's burning from the sun ( temperature ) . He told me that , yes , I could , but that I ( end up ) keep going ( not telling me , but acknowledging that that 's what I ( usually ) do ) . I decided to add water anyway so that the engine wouldn 't overheat . I then looked up , and saw the path - 117 . 386474 There was a bumpy hill in the backyard , the house being at the top . There was a tabby cat , on the left , lying on its back with the head upside down , and then turned to look at me . Amy was there , and I told her that she should see Ali with the tiger ( with black stripes ) . There was an industrial looking fan , with a space between the blades , and edges . I was putting / dropping down gold coins through , and one got stuck . Ali , and I , got married , then had sex , and it was ok because we were already married . Later ( how much ? ) , I was either thinking of getting a divorce , or we were going to get divorced . On the hill , there was a single colored fox , rusty ? , that I petted a couple of times , then it laid on its stomach , and worm size sausage looking links of poop came out . I was topless , and my body was green . My nipples were half way down , and when I covered them , my body looked like a man . ( From Dec . 31 , 2014 ) Someone was reminding / telling Richard Branson , while standing on a balcony , how / that he likes / d Miami . Kyle was lying next to me on the bed , naked . I was playing with him . Reggie Dawson ( don 't know anyone with that name ) Briana Travis . I thought I was supposed to see him on the 18th . A tall thin black man wanted to steal my trench coat . As he was leaving , in the dark , talking to us , I was looking at his dark blue / black knitted sweater he was wearing , making sure it wasn 't my coat . Share this : TwitterFacebookGoogleMoreEmailLinkedInPinterestPocketPrintRedditTumblrLike this : Like Loading . . . What Is , Is November 16 , 2014November 16 , 2014Leave a comment My top left tooth , next to my " fang " , came out . I was initially worried about someone ( Ali ? ) seeing me this way , assuming this was the start of losing my teeth from getting older , but soon shrugged it off , thinking , what is , is . He opened the door , to go out to do something . I told him to close it , because people steal . I kept after him to be more aware of security . He said he was only going to be a couple of minutes . I went to Wal - Mart to look for something ( don 't remember what ) , but they didn 't have it . There was a tall black man there with two young sons / boys . Wal - Mart was built so that each department had its own section , like Victoria 's Secret , and the sections were diagonal , going from left to right . I was walking with a young Steve ( 9 / 10 ? ) . We crossed a street as a red luxury sports car was waiting to turn right ( his ) . After we crossed , I realized that he was taking us back to our old home we lived in during the 80 's . I told him that mom didn 't live there anymore . He got upset as I turned him around , and I may even have had to pick him up so we could go in a different direction . I 'm at a bus station . Amy , and Micalanne , are there also . Mic came separately . I think Amy and I came together . We 're going to our parents house , at least I think Mic is going also . I didn 't ask . I don 't buy a ticket , deciding to wait for the bus to arrive . It does , and people get on , including Amy . Before going to buy the ticket , I ask a man ( driver / worker ) if there 's a seat left / any room . He says out loud , for everyone to hear , that it 's full ( but uses a different word ) . Upon hearing this , I become worried that I don 't / won 't have money for a ticket , but then remembered that mom had given me $ 60 . I 'm wondering when the next bus leaves , and so ask Mic when she 's going . She says her bus doesn 't get there until 2 a . m . I incredulously repeat the time . Ali is outside , sitting on something , about waist - high . He is 6 ' 4 ″ , and built . Not too much , but enough to notice . Briana was at a friend 's house for Christmas , with her daughters , but not husband . The friends had two trees in the same room , near each other , at an angle . This room was huge . As I was watching the girls have fun , I was thinking that at least they had room to move . There was a man on the phone , wanting to talk to the youngest daughter , people saying that it 's her dad , but she wouldn 't talk . The man on the phone is a tall man , with some extra weight . Her dad isn 't so tall , and is thin ( last I knew ) . I was sitting at the end of the table , waiting for dinner . Coley sitting to my left . Amy leaned over me , her chest in my face ( I was leaning back to my left ) , giving Coley some food / drink . I was at my parents ( ? ) house , dad sitting in chair to my left , watching the beginning of a soap opera . There was a lady on the phone , said a couple of sentences , then the camera panned to the left . A man had walked in to another man 's apartment . They were dressed up ( being a soap opera ) in expensive dress clothes . There were small spotlights at the edges of the door , on the ground , facing up . There was a coffee table in front of me , I 'm laying ( ? ) on a couch , with a black digital watch , propped up , facing left . I saw the numbers 5 & 3 , and thought it was 5 : 30 . I then became a little anxious / nervous , thinking that I missed work without calling in ( it was a new job ) , and that I hadn 't cleaned the house yet , and what would Ali think . Thinking it was that late , and not much I could do , I decided to wait , and see what happens . I then looked more closely at the watch , and saw that it was counting down the seconds , and the time was actually only around 1 , or 2 . There were men outside , lined up in a row sideways , but with space between them . They had come in their trucks , to get paid for the farming they had done . The man I saw was about 10 - 15 pounds overweight , and tall . He was there with a younger boy ( 10 / 11 ? ) . They were facing front left , where was standing the man paying him , who also came in a truck , facing right . The man getting paid , and the boy , were then in the truck , just sitting there , with the man on the left . I could then see that the man looked Hispanic . The boy then asked the man , presumably his grandfather , if he ( the boy ) could come pick up the man after work . The boy then yawned , and laid his head on the man 's shoulder . It wasn 't time for him to be at school yet . I had a long sheet of hard plastic , which I was cutting into thin strips , but keeping them attached at the end . I then put it over some window blinds , to block out the majority of the sun coming through that fell onto a bed close next to it . The bed belongs to an older lady . I was only able to cover about 3 / 4 of the blinds , but it was enough . The bathroom is in the hallway , and I see the door open . I walk over to use it . I see that Judy is on the toilet , straight in front of me . She doesn 't see me . I think it odd / strange that she would have / leave the door open . There are other 20 - somethings in the other room . They are all here to party with Judy . One girl , slouching back against the couch , has her breasts covered , but the rest of her is naked . I tell them all to leave , and for the girl to cover herself / put something on . I am standing on a balcony , have a baby bottle ( newborn ? ) , filled with milk , and am dripping it on their heads . There is so much milk , that the ground / floor is covered with it . I see to my left , down below , a small boy / small guy , who has slipped and fallen , not moving . The others are walking around him . I am then sitting on some steps . The cops have been called because of me . I think that they 've got me now , and will have the connection / link between me and Ali . Kyle has an open wound on the inside of his left leg , going from ankle , to halfway up . There is gauze covering it , but is coming off . He has had this wound for a while , waiting for it to close and heal . I am somewhere with Amy . A church ? I never see her , but know she is there . I went out to the parking lot when it was time to leave . She had already gone . I then noticed the parking lot is nearly empty , and I don 't see my car . I start to get scared , and want to start crying . It seems someone came , and walked me to another area , comforting me . I am outside watching fireworks . There are buildings to my left , and right . I never look at them . In between them is a grassy area . The fireworks are by the building to my right . They were eye level , not up in the sky . When I first looked at them , they were static / suspended , and I wished I could have taken a picture . They then started moving , after a second , or two . One of the huge ones turned into a man 's face . For some reason , I winked at it . He winked back . I am in church , in the chapel , walking from front to back , looking for a place to sit . There weren 't benches , but individual seats , along with couches / sofas . I did see one white loveseat , with the curvy back , that was empty , but it was up close to the seats in front of it , so there was no leg room . I finally settled on a couch / chaise in the back , lying down , but with head up . Everyone was there to listen , and learn , but were doing their own thing ( s ) . On the couch to my left ( the front of the room was to my right ) was a man , wearing nice black clothes , writing letters to be sent to Paris ( I saw Paris on an envelope ) . His writing was the distinguished 18th century type . I wondered if he was French . After he speaks to me , I see a dog lying on me , resting . I am thinking it might have been a wolf . It is fluffy , and I am petting / stroking it . I ask it if it needs to go pee , since it had been resting there for a while . With slow , small movements , he shook his head no . A young black girl , sitting in a chair , by a coffee table , at home , with her single mom , and younger brother . Her mom , with lots of long tiny braids , pinned up , is holding the brother , cleaning the table . The girl tells her mom that she 's funny . Share this : TwitterFacebookGoogleMoreEmailLinkedInPinterestPocketPrintRedditTumblrLike this : Like Loading . . . Not Knowing I Had Been Calling August 21 , 2014August 21 , 2014Leave a comment I was at Micalanne 's , in the evening . We are watching a performance of a man and lady playing guitars , with the man 's wife playing a piano behind them a few feet . She then came up to the microphone , and started singing . I said something like , " Of course " , because of the country she was from . After , I started getting sad , from missing Kyle , so decided to walk outside . Her house was in a slight curve of the street . There was a black dog standing at the beginning of the house next door , or couple doors down , facing the house , watching me . I probably only went 5 , or 6 houses when I decided to go back . As I turned around , a minivan clipped a bush / hedge , almost clipping me . A black girl , with a bit of an afro , then came out and started coming after me . Somehow I got on top if the bushes / hedges there , going in circles , kicking her hair once , to escape her . I asked her a couple of times what she wanted from me / what did I do , she sarcastically repeating me a couple times . I found out / was told , either by Judy , or someone else ( Amy ? ) , that she had separated / divorced from her husband . She did so because they fought all the time . I said to mom , and Amy , " See , I told you " , and they responded that I was right . Lucy asked a guy there a question . Her eyes were looking down , as in thought . He answered , and she said , " Oh . " I mentioned to someone that she always has her eyes down when in thought . I wondered where Fred , and Ethel were . I see Ricky , up by the camera , looking past , dressed in drag in a big white formal gown , with eyebrows penciled thin . A guy walks up behind him . Ricky then mentions something to him , and they start to walk toward a table . I don 't see them , but a round table that is set . No one is around . I hear sounds of people , and someone 's coffee cup being refilled . In the evening , Ali drops me off at the grocery store to get some paper plates . After I walk in , I see to my right , against the wall , boxes of lemon Cheerios being displayed . They looked / sounded good , and were a new product / flavor . The parking lot was near close to being empty . I looked for the Dodge 1960 's van ( don 't have ) , but couldn 't find it . I then remember that Ali has it , so I decide to go back in . Share this : TwitterFacebookGoogleMoreEmailLinkedInPinterestPocketPrintRedditTumblrLike this : Like Loading . . . Waiting To Cross Over July 31 , 2014July 31 , 2014Leave a comment I start to have sex with Mark , but then find myself asleep . He lets me be . I am crouching next to a pool . LeBron James , and someone else ( Dwayne Wade ? ) , is in the pool , but they are miniature / fairy size . They are using an inner tube thing to float . It escapes them at one point . LeBron is swimming towards me . I see the inner tube has gone below the water , and is following him , so I tell him . He dives down , a bit to the left of it , then finds it . I am standing , barefoot , at the elbow of a street , on the street . The outlet is to the right . The cars that pass have to come in a bit , then back out . I see a car , when it comes in , goes in circles as it passes , the male driver having fun . I then see a car across the street waiting to cross over to my side . I don 't see the driver . As I 'm watching , making sure it 's safe to cross where I 'm at , a brunette girl shows up on my left . I 'm then on the right side of the street , going towards my boyfriend 's ( not Ali ) house . I am leaning on a heightened / lifted styrofoam white cooler chest thing on wheels , rolling down the street . There is greenery / trees lining on both sides . The girl is jogging , on my right , to keep up . She tells me something about what I , and another girl at work did , and that Caroline is going to fire " you " . I ask if I 'm going to be fired , or the girl I work with , and this girl answers , yes . I 'm in the kitchen of my boyfriend 's house . There is a ( birthday ? ) card in the floor with a painting of an orange striped cat with a long skinny neck , sitting , looking at something . It shows the cat from the back . A one month old kitten , also orange stripes , comes to lay on the card to sleep . It keeps moving around , attempting to find a comfortable spot . It isn 't able to find one , so sits , and meows . It is sitting next to the cat in the painting , so I decide to take a picture . As I hold the iPod , my hands are a bit shaky . As I 'm looking for a decent shot to take , I see the kitten lit up / spotlighted . I take the picture . Another kitten , month older , tabby , comes over and lays by the orange kitten to calm it down . Doug & Jamie don 't make it . Monet & Vaughn , on the other hand , still have disagreements , but stay together to stick it out . ( From this tv show . ) Share this : TwitterFacebookGoogleMoreEmailLinkedInPinterestPocketPrintRedditTumblrLike this : Like Loading . . . Scary Position July 5 , 2014July 5 , 2014Leave a comment Delivery truck , driven by a woman , in snow . There was no awareness of any temperature . Mom , dad , and Amy are gathered together when I announce that I 'm getting married later that night at 9 . I think Amy may have said something . I said that it 's a scary position to be in again . My dad started saying about me being in a room with others the coming next day . We all looked at him , because he hadn 't gotten it . In Dallas , Texas , a lady reporter sees a little girl ( holding a doll ? ) , and asks her a question . The girl says that her mom has real estate ( and office , which wasn 't said , but was sorta implied ) , which was semi - related to the question . The reporter then asked the girl if she was going to have them when she grows up , and the girl said yes .

I remember your face , screwed up like a fist . All red and wet looking , surrounding a gaping mouth that threatened to drag me in . Into that terrible noise , into the grasp of two clenched fists , two kicking legs . The strength of that noise and those movements were terrifying . I stared , frozen . She wanted so much from me , I could feel it tearing , breaking down the last shreds of strength I had . Money . Signatures . Papers . Words I read but couldn 't decipher . I 'd made a bad mistake and she was strangling me with it . She 'd forced me here today by threats , somehow she was on the bed , red faced , sweaty haired , alien in every way and looking grimly triumphant like a warrior off the field , and there were YOU . Too much life . Too much WANT . A want so powerful I felt physically attacked by it . My stomach was clenching until I broke into a sweat and I had to fold my arms tight to stand upright . " You don 't get to make that choice ! " Karen shouted after me when I fled , shaking , near to throwing up . " It 's too late for that ! " I don 't remember much of the months after that . I couldn 't keep a job any more than I 'd been able to stay in a school . I got kicked out in the same way and for much the same reason . I waited around the job centre in the next town , where Karen wouldn 't come looking for me - or her parents , or her new boyfriend who I 'd seen with her . After a while I stopped getting work , mostly because I 'd tried and been sent back from every employer they had . Then I was sent out on a job one afternoon for a company directed by one man . An older man . It wasn 't him I met at first - it was his area manager . Landscape gardening of all things , except by then I was desperate for anything that would earn cash . I spent the day picking up rubbish , mowing grass on some industrial estate , watching two other men plant trees . At the end of the afternoon the older man came in a quiet , expensive car , sweeping to a stop beside the truck . He was in his early forties I suppose . Well dressed , dark haired , brown eyes that swept the estate quickly and comfortably , picking up every detail of what was done and done well . They stopped on me . I wasn 't in the habit of shaking hands . It took a minute before I gave him mine , rough and dirty from the work . He gripped it warmly , not just a gesture but a contact . I suppose I lasted five days there without trouble . I came onto the site at mid day on the second week and the green car was there , with Peter leaning against it , wearing jeans , gloves and an old sweater . He nodded when he saw me , turning up his watch . Peter turned his for me to see and waited . I was too surprised to react . I hadn 't been spoken to in that tone since I was ten . " I 'm told you turn up late if you turn up at all . " Peter 's voice pushed quietly . " You don 't finish work . You leave things undone and leave equipment behind . The site manager nearly had to come out and do your work as well as his before the estate owners complained . " " No . As a matter of fact , you don 't . And if you let me down this badly again , you will lose your job . " Peter straightened up , looking directly at me , his face a little closer than most people stand and his eyes VERY direct . " That bank needs cutting , then the borders weeding . I 'll start at that end , you start at the other , let 's sort this mess out . " He worked with me all afternoon , and he worked fast and well . And every time I stopped , every time I put something down , every weed I missed , he was there , that voice quiet , the instructions clear . About three pm I lost my temper and hurled the secateurs down into the grass . It was so clear , and yet so unaggressive that I did . People usually got angry . Sometimes they hit back . He looked nothing but controlled . And unsurprised . It was as if he couldn 't hear me . And yet I felt peculiarly calmed . He came closer and gave me a gentle - not push , but a move towards the clippers , a prompt that matched his words . Actually I was seriously thirsty . I often didn 't notice things like that . They took me by surprise - I 'd suddenly find myself aching with hunger and wonder why unlike some people I didn 't just have that knowledge that it was time to eat . He drove not to a pub but to a house . Out of the town . High walls , a long and sweeping gravel drive and a Victorian , three storey house I sat on the red brick steps . A while later he brought out juice in tall glasses and a plate of sandwiches . I ate , folding my arms against the ache in my stomach . " Yes . " I stopped there , words crowding and jangling at the back of my head . Peter however didn 't seem to need an answer . Just sat back , closing his eyes against the sun on his face , a faint and contented smile on his face . He was a quiet person . His hands were quiet , his face was quiet , he moved - quietly . Without the rush and clatter some people did . " Where 's your family , Glyn ? " Peter said when I 'd eaten most of the sandwiches on the plate . He 'd quietly gone inside to collect a packet of biscuits , and I was sitting , picking the chocolate chips out . Sometimes my brother lived there too . When he was home . We 'd both been in and out since my father died , leading separate lives that occasionally ran parallel . " Yes . " I put the chips in a pile on the plate , sorting them from the biscuits . When the biscuits were gone , I ate the chips . We sat outside until it started to get dark . Then we moved inside and Peter shut the windows . I stood , looking down at a huge and polished chess board . The garden was an old one , one hundred and eighty years of cultivated management and the loving care of a full time gardener . Once , Peter said , there had been a head gardener and two boys employed here with nothing to do but keep the greens immaculate , the hedges trimmed and the vegetable beds that had fed the house and the household kept alive and productive . The vegetable beds were gone now , and so were the gardeners . Peter lived in the house and spent the vast amount of his semi retirement in the garden , patiently and happily keeping it in it 's lines and sweeps of flowerbeds , the gravel paths through the well kept roses and the trees around the miniature lake . Large enough to get lost in within the frame of the eight foot walls that surrounded it . " Should I keep off the grass ? " I asked when I followed him for the first time down the four stone steps that led from the garden door of the house . Signs always said to keep off the grass . The size of the garden had shaken me . There was no end in sight - just avenues and archways that led in several different directions , and flashes of green beyond . " No . " Peter said reassuringly , " You can 't do any harm . You can go anywhere you like , there 's plenty of it to wander around He loved his garden . He spent hours in it , working , knowing just what everything did and how it worked . While he worked , I wandered . I knew more about the technicalities of what he did now . I worked for him and at first , for some weeks , he came with me . After a while he talked to his site manager and the site manager worked with me , telling me quietly and clearly what to do in Peter 's way of talking . After a while longer , he came twice a day and I worked on my own , and Peter came in the evenings sometimes to take me back to the Rectory . Eventually , he came every night . I loved his quietness . His house was always peaceful , always calm , like Peter himself . Ordered and easy . From the dark red , leather furniture to the shelves full of leather bound books , to the open fireplace where logs crackled at night and Peter sprawled on the sofa while I lay on the floor and watched him . I loved his face . I loved the way it creased , and his mouth moved . I loved his voice . I loved how his hands moved , deft and co ordinated , sure in everything they did . " Glyn , look at other things as well as me . " He said once when we were standing in the bakers . I liked it in there : the fresh smell of bread mixed with the sweet smell of sugar . I looked at him for a moment , startled , then looked at the floor . And the window . Then back at him . " That 's right . " He encouraged quietly in that sure tone that always reassured me I was getting the idea he wanted me to . " Its okay to do it at home , I like it as much as you do , but outside home we need to look at other things too . " Okay . He was good at explaining things like that . Whenever the panic started to rise , his voice was always quiet and right behind me in a straight forward cue I could follow . I saw a title on a book once . The Lord of Chaos . In the picture stood a man on a mountain , his finger outstretched , with a beard like Peter 's . " I want these . " I explained , unwrapping the packet . I was tired , it had been a long day and I liked sugar . Peter wiped his hands and held one out . Things got a little confused after that . Peter took the packet out of my hands . I tried for several minutes to take them away from him but he held them behind his back . His voice muddled up with the confusion and the attempts I made to take the packet back . He wouldn 't let me get to it . I kicked the door at some point . He wasn 't talking by then : I was doing all the shouting . I was startled when he grabbed my shoulder and pushed me through the back door , grabbing his coat and mine on the way , leaving the biscuits and the pasta on the table . I was too angry for some time to take my coat from him . Peter put his on and sat on the red brick wall , looking out over the garden . I walked away and stood on the lawn , shaking with fury . It was drizzling slightly when the space and the quiet outside began to filter through . I walked for a while . Peter got up and held out my coat . I pulled it on and we walked in silence , down through the trees to the miniature lake . People usually left me alone when I got angry . Sometimes , at school , I 'd been pulled out of fights and held down , until I was so angry someone got hurt . Sometimes it was me . He listened to me saying things in the mornings when we had breakfast . I listened to the news and then checked the headlines on the computer , looking for the stockmarket figures . I liked the figures . I looked up from the computer , mildly alarmed . It had taken a while to take his word that he would make them properly when it was his turn to make lunch . Once he cut them diagonally and another time he used orange instead of yellow cheese . I had to throw them away . Peter took a minute to process that . I used to think he hadn 't heard me , but he explained that sometimes he needed time to think . It was another of his quirks , but it was a Peter quirk . They were ok . " Write it down . " I asked , feeling my stomach clench . Biscuits could mean anything . There were hundreds of sorts of biscuits , and we needed the chip ones . We wrote things down a lot . When we had done them , we crossed them out . When we had more things than we expected , or things changed , we wrote them in the spaces between the items on the list . Sometimes I wrote a list for Peter and he kept it in his pocket all day , I could find it and change it if I needed to . On the broken cupboard door in the spare room , Peter taped a piece of paper with ' no ' written on it and I finally stopped dropping the door on my foot every time I went in there . The mower broke in spring , and I couldn 't start it again . Peter said the blades had detached . We tried for some time to reattach them . Finally Peter shook his head . Normal people didn 't worry about things like this , I knew it . Once I started thinking about that , Peter and I tended to end up in the garden where I could shout . You shouted in the garden . That was what you did . Inside the house you talked . If you had to shout , you went outside . I was biting my nails the third time I went outside , and Peter saw . He followed me outside and stood , looking with me at the mower . We put an OK on the pile of laundry in the kitchen when the water was off overnight . I discreetly wrote an OK in the dentist 's surgery when the appointment was late and put it in my pocket , holding it while I waited . We went into the town to shop and a clown was in the street , with a bucket , jingling it for coins . The name of a charity was on the side and Peter absently dug coins out of his pocket and dropped them in . The man inside the costume had shoes on that were far too big and a wig on his head . It gave me the familiar clenching feeling , I 'd always had it . When I was little I used to cry when people in costume came close , which drove my family mad . I wrote a quick OK in the notebook , tore the sheet out and jogged back , putting it into the clown 's hand . I 'd heard THAT one before . My stomach clenched tighter . I got the coat down off the hook in the kitchen and put it on , straightening the cuffs and zipping it up before I vanished into the garden . The idea of Terry being in the house with one earring always bothered me . He had two ears . I wondered if he 'd lost one , and why didn 't he get another one , or take that one out . I asked Peter , who explained it was the fashion . The garden was my place to hide when Terry came . Peter worked out there in all seasons , and I went with him - wandering between the hedges and over the lawns , but my favourite places were the secret and the hidden ones . Especially when Terry was in the house . There was a bank of willows that curled over the grass , covering you from view when you sat beneath them . An oak with a divided trunk , making a natural cradle where you could lie , out of sight with nothing above you but the canopy of leaves and branches . In the afternoons while Peter worked quietly on the flowerbeds or the lawns , I found the hiding places . The places where the garden was silent except for the whisper of the wind through the leaves , where the herbs smelled sweet in the banks of shrubs , under the trees , by the sundial in the middle of the roses . There was no intrusion or even awareness of an outside here - the eight foot stone walls made it entirely safe , enclosed , keeping it 's beauty and regularity a discreet secret . With Peter 's placid presence out of sight but always near by , I found places in his garden world that he never saw and never felt and tasted and heard as I did . He built it . I lived in it . It moved at his command - he was the Lord of Chaos . I came into the garden one afternoon and stopped short , confronted by rows of sheared , jagged green , knee high bushes instead of the sprawling , sweet scented roses that had hovered , chest high and rambling just yesterday evening . I couldn 't tell him what was wrong when I found him trimming the shrubs along the back wall - just towed him in silent distress and shock to the site of the carnage . He stood , brushing peat off his hands , looking with me at the chopped bushes and what had been their beauty now wrapped in sacks , waiting disposal . " It makes them grow honey . They 'll grow back taller and stronger , and they 'll produce a lot more flowers . Its what you have to do . " For days afterwards I skirted the rose beds , giving them a wide berth . Peter knew the laws of the garden in ways I didn 't . What needed to be moved . What needed changing . Cutting back . What was dead , dying , what was filled with life . Sometimes the boundaries of the garden changed and moved - a bed changing direction , a new bed cut or a new shape to the lawn - the changes rattled me , I didn 't understand them , but Peter knew what must be done , and he did it . " Up . " Peter pulled me to my feet and his hand connected with my bottom in a firm slap . He was a lot stronger than he looked . " I 've told you before . If the work isn 't done , you won 't be paid . " Yes . That was the way we dealt with things : first you did this and then you gained that . You simply judged whether the task was worth the reward , and took your preference . It was clear and easy and made perfect sense . This morning , bed and more sleep was definitely preferable . I explained so . Peter sat down on the edge of the bed , quiet for a moment . He was strange about money . It made perfect sense to me . Figures were predictable , organised , manageable things . When you bought something you simply matched up the figures . If you didn 't have the funds you simply didn 't buy , it was very easy . I frequently did his accounts when he was working on the company books : it came quickly and easily to me , and I never did understand what worried him so much . We 'd argued about this several times - I was quite happy that I earned what I wanted and spent accordingly - in the past I 'd chosen between earning and doing other things I preferred . Eating was one of those choices : sometimes other things took precedence . " Its transaction . " I explained to him . " The company pays for the work to be done . If the work is not done , the wages are not paid . They can be paid to someone else , it doesn 't matter who the work is done by . " " Glyn , you 've entered into a contract with the company . A promise that you will do that work . I 'm going to have that contract written out and I want you to sign it . " He did . I read through it 's short list , ending with a sentence stating that I agreed to do all the things catalogued above . I signed it as Peter wanted me to . A few days later it was raining and cold outside and I told Peter while he was dressing that I wasn 't going to work today . Peter showed me the contract and told me that I had given a written promise to keep it . I told him it did not anywhere state that I had to go to work when it was raining , and that I did not want to go . That was the proper word to stop all conflict . I knew that . I 'd been taught that . Peter pulled me up out of bed and stood me in front of him , holding my hands . He turned me around and pulled me down so I lay over his lap , then his hand took the waistband of the shorts I slept in and pulled them down to my knees . I squirmed and struggled but Peter is bigger and stronger and I couldn 't move . He slapped my bottom , hard , and I yelped at the smart , trying in earnest to get free . Peter didn 't let me move an inch . He held me still and his hard hand rained smack after smack until the smart was an unbearable burning and my eyes were watering and my breath tearing in my throat . By this time the squirming was entirely to try and avoid his hand , but he didn 't stop . I was too shocked and too surprised to say anything at first and without enough breath to speak after a moment or two . I had no control over when he stopped . Just that his hand finally stopped falling and he pulled my shorts back up , helping me to my feet . I stared at him through very blurry eyes , putting my hands back to rub very gently at my throbbing , blazing bottom . He looked calm and firm , the sort of expression he had when I was shouting at him and he took me into the garden , when he 'd say to me calmly and firmly that he wouldn 't talk to me until I talked quietly . He took my arm and walked me with him across to the corner of the bedroom , standing me with my face to the wall . He didn 't say anything , but I was very glad of the silence and of the privacy and shelter of the blank wall . Although I can 't say I was confused . Oddly , it made perfect sense . When Peter said no , he meant it . He often controlled the circumstances I chose , translating them from incomprehensible chaos to clear and easy decisions - dinner before sugar , and we didn 't eat at all until I accepted that . Housework was done before the tv went on - and he 'd stand in front of the tv if I tried to turn it on . I knew there was no point in trying to move him . He was the safest person I knew . And I just accepted , instinctively , that he knew what to do and that he was the adjudicator . He was Peter . Peter made the bed and left me alone for a while . I needed quiet sometimes . The noise in my head faded away and the burning of my backside faded slightly , although I was surprised at how sore it remained . I prodded once or twice , experimenting , but the sensation didn 't ease . " Work time . " Peter said softly from the doorway . I turned around , eyes still red . He put his arms around me as I reached him and he gave me a strong hug , kissing my forehead . After that we had no more of these confusing debates : Peter explained things to me , and where they made no sense he made it simpler - I must do this or face his consequences . That I understood . Things fell into clear patterns around Peter , the confusion and anxiety just dropped away . Peter sounded a bit surprised . I thought about it , keeping track of the column I was working on . With Peter 's level of education , he should have been taught better handwriting . " Fights . I had a lot of fights . And sometimes I didn 't go . And there were things I didn 't want to do . Lot of things I couldn 't do . " I sat back , trying to think how to explain . Peter never harassed me about words . He just waited , like I waited for him when he was going to talk , and I never worried about trying to explain things o him . He never said he didn 't understand or that I didn 't make sense . " They 'd read a story . A story by someone . And they 'd ask why did someone in the story do this , or why were they thinking that . It 's a BOOK . Not real people . And history . Hours talking about where things were and what happened , when there 's nothing left of the building and all the people are dead anyway . " It was his idea . We talked about it for a long time , how if I could learn enough to pass exams there were other jobs I could do . Things I could do for him and his company . I liked accounts better than mowing . He wasn 't looking at me . Most people stared at me when I was upset , their eyes trying to get into mine until I couldn 't stand being near them . Peter never looked at me when I was upset . His face was slightly turned away , but he was still and listening . I tried to stand still and to find the words to go with the feelings . The confusion was instantly back . I had no idea what he meant . Peter took my notebook out of my pocket and opened it , writing the words down . Special needs . " Special needs . " Peter said , tapping the list he 'd just written . " You have to tell people . Otherwise they won 't know what you want . " The clenching in my stomach was getting so bad I was holding my breath to stop the shouts bursting out . Peter followed me into the kitchen , took his coat when I took mine , and came with me into the garden . He sat on the wall and let me alone . A long time later I went and sat beside him and he put an arm around me , pulled my head against his shoulder and stroked my hair . That felt good . Sometimes I wanted him to do it for hours . He came with me into the college classroom and sat beside me for the first few weeks . When I got distracted , he tapped my knee or my hand , reminding me to listen . He wouldn 't let me fidget or hum or lose attention , and he wouldn 't let me leave the classroom . The once or twice I got really angry , he took me out into the corridor with him and made me go back with him when I calmed down . When things didn 't make sense he made me write things down , ask and at times he actively translated for me , turning gibberish into sentences I understood . The tutor got a lot better at talking . By Christmas , I was attending on my own with a list in my pocket of exactly what I had to do and when . When things got difficult , when I had to walk past flashing lights that hurt my eyes and ears , or trees that played tinny carols , or hallways that looked completely different to the way they should , I had a list to check that meant I didn 't lose track of what was happening . I didn 't much like Christmas . Everything looked different wherever you went , everything changed . Peter took me to buy a tree and we put it up in the living room and decorated it . No flashing lights . Candles we put everywhere . I liked candles . After a few days I got used to it , and it was nice to sit in the living room in the evenings with the candles and the fire lit . Peter didn 't play tinny carols . He and I bought a new stereo together , listening to each one in turn in the shop until we found the right one . I liked it on very softly , but the depth and quality of the sound moved inside me . We listened to choirs singing softly and Peter sang with them . I cooked while he sat in the kitchen on Christmas morning and read . He loved reading . He could cook well , but he forgot things , dropped things ; to me it was as logical as connecting a row of figures . A series of sequences and causes with effects . It made me feel calm and the kitchen looked much better when I was finished with it , things clean and ordered . " Hello . " I said , wondering who on earth it was . The woman brought the pushchair over . A small child in a red coat was asleep in it . " Shaun . " Karen leaned over the pushchair , straightening the blanket over the child . " He 's changed a bit since you last saw him , Glyn . " Gradually the garden got to be somewhere I went to be free - to use time after the steady pattern of work , classes , homework , eating , sleeping . The energy stored all day when I sat and listened and wrote came out in the garden . I climbed the old trees , following them up into the heavy branches where the marks showed where a children 's treehouse had once stood . I jogged through the maze , working out the nine separate solutions to it and running it in increasing speeds . The garden was always a good place to be alone in . In wind , in rain , in snow , Peter didn 't argue when I took my coat down and went outside . He didn 't need to come with me ; his presence was in every inch of earth . Peter took me with him to a company party and I followed him from group to group , watching him . His easy stance . The way he looked at and spoke to people . I followed his lead , recording his cues . You held your glass loosely . You smiled at people when you were told who they were . Questions you asked that started people talking to you . Nodding , making mm noises when they paused . Questions you asked to start them talking again when they stopped . I stored and experimented , and the tricks worked well . People stood comfortably , warm and chatting easily when I was acting Peter . I kept my mind on what they said , resisting the urge to focus on the shine from their watch or the timbre of their voice , and the evening was easy and relaxed . There was no getting around that . When Peter talked about responsibilities it meant he told me what I needed to do ; and once I knew , I had a choice . Do it or be spanked . I had no idea what you did with a child . We talked about that a lot . Peter rang Karen and talked to her on and off for days . Finally they came to an agreement and the Saturday afternoons began . We picked up the small child at two and then we took him with us while we shopped , while we walked in the park , while we watched strange tv programmes of bright colours and noise and he played with the toys Peter said we should buy . To begin with I had nothing to do with it . Peter wouldn 't let me go away but he was the one who talked to , handled and occupied the child . He babbled to it happily , sang , rolled balls , built bricks . He seemed to have this knowledge of what to do . It moved around , wandering and touching everything : to begin with I was willing to do anything to prevent it coming into the house . And it was noisy - it sang , shouted , laughed , screamed and occasionally howled until I had to press my ears closed to bear it . Peter was unmoved when it did that , merely picking it up and holding it until the screeching stopped . I argued , pleaded , periodically refused , but whether or not I arrived at Karen 's house with him , red eyed and sore or clear eyed and comfortable at least physically , I was there . When it left , I got into Peter 's lap - something I didn 't do often - but the image of him holding and smiling at this child wasn 't something that sat well with me . A few months after we first began this chore , Peter went to answer the phone and the child , staggering across the floor after some toy , tripped and landed hard . It got up , mouth open , dripping fluid and making that appalling noise . It went on and on making this noise , mixed in with a word repeated over and over again . I 'd seen Peter deal with this . Steeling myself , I tried to remember how he 'd stood , the expression on his face , the tone of his voice . I deepened my voice to sound more like his and picked the child up . My hands nearly spanned its ribcage . Once in the air , I gingerly brought the child up against my chest and wrapped my arms around it , jogging it gently , acting out Peter 's gestures . That was the script as far as I remembered . I imitated Peter 's next step in this process and kissed the blond head under my chin . There was a particular scent of shampoo and something else - something specific , not at all unpleasant . The shrieking was becoming far less painful . I drove Peter mad that Autumn . I climbed very often onto the high walls that surrounded the garden , and sat there for hours , looking at the town beyond . The high church spire in the distance , the silver wind of the river through the fields . I climbed one of the trellises that separated the neat , ordered rose garden from the wildflower beds , trying to reach the broad bough of the oak . I carved my name into the trunk and sat there when I was done , looking at the imprint . Those letters meant me . My name . My mark on this living thing that would preserve this moment in time for longer than I would live . On my way down to the ground , the trellis broke and I fell . " There 's no reason for this . " I tried repeatedly to explain to Peter . " I only need to write it once in my notebook , you already know it , when I finish writing it you tear it up - " I 'd been frightened of the walls once , shying well away from them and keeping to the hidden recesses of the garden . They 'd been safety for a long time . Now I couldn 't resist standing on them , looking over them , occupying them despite Peter 's exasperation . I climbed . He spanked . I climbed . And wrote . And climbed . And was called down , told to sit on the steps under Peter 's watch . He didn 't get angry . But he didn 't let me push either . It was another transaction . I climbed , he punished . There were no limits set . No record of how many times I could do it before he lost patience or admitted defeat , no record of how many times I could be spanked before I put the want NOT to be spanked ahead of the want to be on that wall . Nothing actually changed . I made no decision , Peter did nothing different . Just gradually over time , the desire to do it faded away . Peter mended the trellis . At first the break in the wood looked raw and the join was easy to see , a clear reminder to both of us as to what had happened that was seen every time we passed that spot . Over time , the weather faded the wood and it wore so that the join became fainter and the break was no longer raw , until only Peter and I knew where it was and it was just something that belonged to the garden - a landmark that made it ours . I watched him by the hour . I 'd heard him learn to talk , wondering at the way words materialised in his mouth and moved from words to rapid strings of words and thoughts and expressions . The speed at which new skills manifested . The swiftness with which he understood . Peter and I went with him to museum after museum . Canals , space centres , steam trains which I loved and dragged Peter to over and over again after the first time Shaun demanded to see them , Viking centres , Roman forts , castles - Shaun ate knowledge , his round green eyes intent under a sandy wave of hair . He had his routines which were easy to understand . Where ever we went , whatever we saw , we found a café and sat there to drink the tea , coke and water we always ordered between us . He had tapes of music which were played while we drove , and he and Peter sang to them , periodically getting the words wrong . I could never really explain my reaction to that . Except the thought of Shaun in the garden was horrible . Awful . Peter grabbed our coats and we stood in the garden a long long time after he suggested that . Finally I went to the foot of the wall and looked for handholds . I sat the exams . They were easy . The atmosphere of the rest of the class as the exams grew close nearly drove me out of the room . Peter came twice to get me from college and eventually went with me to see my tutor , after which I worked at home . " They 're just nervous . " Peter explained the first time when I was outside the college . Several people kept looking at me . You went outside to shout . That made no sense . I was much happier at home , at the desk in the living room . Peter took to making me have an alarm clock and lock the books away at night when it sounded . Sometimes , when temptation was high , he took the key and put it in his pocket . Sometimes I had to check it was still there , but once he had it , it was allright . When I had the qualification , I worked sometimes at home and sometimes at Peter 's office . Some days after breakfast Peter would put out the heavy gardening gloves and I 'd dress in the coveralls and work on the estate . Other days he 'd put out a tie and I 'd work at the desk on the figures . Over time , I spent more and more time at the office and he only put the gloves out when my stomach was particularly clenched . " Look . I know you 've taken good care of Shaun and I know he loves you , but he wants to know why his dad isn 't like his friends ' dads , and I don 't know what to say to him . And I think we should all be telling him the same thing . " " It 's not . I 'm sorry Peter , Shaun has to live with this . He 's seen Glyn making patterns with books on the carpet , he 's seen him sitting flicking pencils when you and he are watching tv … he needs to understand it and he needs to have a word for it . " I looked at Peter , anxiously . He never minded me making patterns or fiddling with things - it was what I chose to do . If I was feeling clenched then it helped a lot . I liked to do it . " Out . " I said , hustling him to his feet . I pushed him into the kitchen , put his coat into his hands and followed him outside . I 'd never heard him shout but I 'd never seen that expression on his face before either . Peter stood on the patio and took a few deep breaths , then turned around and held his arms out to me . Peter didn 't answer for a minute . Then said , " I used to work with a man who had a son with Aspergers syndrome . He used to bring his son to work with us sometimes , and I spent quite a lot of time with him when he was growing up . You see a lot of things the same way he did . " I looked blank at him , confused at how someone could see the same way as me . I just - saw . With my eyes . Everyone did , didn 't they ? Peter touched my face , pushing my hair off my forehead . " Some people have it worse than others . " Peter said gently . " I don 't think you have an extreme version . But you do have the problems with language - with the anxiety , knowing what 's happening next - the literal speech - the social misunderstandings . There 's nothing WRONG with you - you just have difficulties with particular communication skills . " " There 's something else we should think about . People aren 't going to understand our relationship . Karen thinks - and Shaun may think - I take advantage of you . " " Sorry . They might think I tell you what to do too much and that I shouldn 't do that . They might think it 's wrong that I spank you sometimes . They might say because you don 't always understand things that it isn 't fair and I shouldn 't be allowed to do it . " " Glyn . People won 't always understand how MUCH you understand . Because sometimes it comes out wrong , or they don 't understand the way you think , they might think it sounds childish - or that you don 't know what 's happening . " Peter finally smiled . It had taken me years to know really what that smile meant . People smiled all the time and it never meant one thing . Sometimes they smiled when they said something and then expected you to understand they didn 't mean what they said . Sometimes they smiled when they were angry . Sometimes they smiled because they thought you were funny , and sometimes because they thought you were stupid . I 'd hated people smiling before I met Peter , but with him it was always a good expression . Peter 's smile was always good . Peter and I planned the garden all through the winter , drawing map after map of it , making detailed plans of each bed , reading through reference books marked with endless slips of paper while we worked out what went where , what should be bought , where it should be put . I ruthlessly pointed out to him which beds were sunny , which were shaded , which plants could not be put into which area , and we plotted out the charts we worked on making reality through the spring and the summer . We dug a pond by the cherry trees , surrounded it with boulders it took us weeks to find and eventually meant driving to Wales to buy , but when we were done we had sun hot rocks around the water where Peter loved to read and I loved to lie , watching the fountain run and run and run over the rocks , sparkling in the sunlight . The feeling it gave me was indescribable . Shaun smiled when he unwrapped the computer programmes I 'd given him ; the same smile he 'd had when he saw Peter 's stack of books . Like us , he liked information - unlike me he liked to act on it . He increasingly dragged us to watch him do things once he 'd found out about them . His current fascination was with rock climbing . Peter and I escaped to their garden when the house got too overwhelming , and walked around it , examining their plants and their combinations . Shaun came out to us when the crowd of children were gone , ran at Peter and Peter grabbed him , tousling his hair before he hugged him . " This was just the polite party , I 've got some friends coming back later to stay the night . " Shaun said happily . " Mum 's letting us camp out in the garage . " " Happy Birthday . " I told him , registering the way his hair grew at the moment , the height he was , the exact colour of his eyes . I had a hundred mental photos of him . He was hard work - social , chattery , lively , noisy , unpredictable and severely normal . I found him difficult sometimes but we got by . Shaun hesitated a moment , then gave me one of his tentative hugs . He hurled himself at Peter without a second thought ; with me he was always more cautious . I put my arms around him and squeezed , knowing what to do , and a moment later he pulled away , slightly red faced , and rushed ahead of us to open the gate . " In here ! " Peter called back . We were sitting on the patio , the lounge doors open into the garden and the sunshine . You came into the lounge and waited for us to come inside , as we always did , shutting the door on the garden . Peter got up , ready to go inside and join you . I don 't know why I didn 't move . I 'd been thinking about this for a long time and although my stomach was tight , I knew what I wanted to do . I waited on the steps for you . Peter sat down again , smiling faintly with his eyes closed at the sun on his face . Long legged and nearly as tall as me you came to stand beside me and I walked with you , out into the garden . Fantastic story ! Sometimes the formatating made it hard to follow who was speaking , and your dialogue punctuation needs work , but the story and characters were fantastic . Email me if you want me to show you real quick how to clean up the format / punctuation . I don 't mind helping writers with as much natural talent as you have . Beautiful , beautiful story . I hope many people read this . I think this was beautiful just the way it was . I think if it got over corrected it would take away from Glyn . Love how he showed him the garden in the end . Hated Karen from the get go to the end ! ! ! I absolutely love your stories especially nick and Damien . Ive been a lurking fan for a few years now , and i love the new site ! Id read into the garden a few years ago and I got the urge to try and find it again , so I planned on hunting for it when I had time over the next few days . I couldn 't remember where on the inter web it was , or the title or author , so imagine my surprise when I stumbled on it here while rereading nick and Damien . : - ) I shoulda known it was you ! : - ) . I have moderate social anxiety , so tho nothing like glyn , some aspects of his character struck chords with me . This is well done and so emotional ! IThanks for sharing these wonderful stories with us . Wow , thank you everyone who 's commented here - Anonymous , thank you ! Anonymous who has the Aspie daughter , thank you , it 's lovely you find Glyn realistic . Swetz , hope it was crying in a nice way , thank you . Anonymous , so glad you found us and enjoyed re reading ! Sierra , thank you . Becca , thank you , what a kind offer . : ) The formatting hasn 't translated exactly due to lifting word documents over into word , one day when we have time we 'll do a bit of repair work . Nicole , thank you : ) This was another great story with an amazing character . I loved it . I have a son who is 19 now and he has the mildest form of Autism called Pervasive Developmental ; Disorder ( PDD ) which is just below Asburgers . I saw some of him in Glyn 's actions and it reminded me of how misunderstood he is at times . He can have trouble with anger at times too and it 's hard when he doesn 't know or comprehend how to deal with it in a healthy way . I wish he had a Peter to help him like Glyn did . Thanks for the wonderful read . ^_^ Rolf and Ranger 's Next Book will be called The Mary Ellen Carter . The Mary Ellen Carter and other works in progress can be read at either the Falls Chance Ranch Discussion Group or the Falls Chance Forum before they are posted here at the blog . So come and talk to the authors and be a part of a work in progress . Do you want to read the FCR Books and Short Stories on your E - Reader ? Well , lucky for you , e - book files can be found inboth the Yahoo Group and the Discussion Forum . Falls Chance Ranch Books " Someone should explain to him , he might be big and loomy but he 's American and he 's not allowed to do weird things like canes . " ~ Wade in Three Traders " It 's eight thirty ! " ~ Nick " Nick , my powers of observation really aren 't bad for my age . " ~ Damien , Strike 3 Ranger 's Stories A catless writer is almost inconceivable . It 's a perverse taste , really , since it would be easier to write with a herd of buffalo in the room than even one cat ; they make nests in the notes and bite the end of the pen and walk on the typewriter keys . ~ Barbara Holland E - mail Ranger " Yes I trust you , yes I 'm fine with treating you like a ten year old with a comic and yes they 're still staying down here tonight . I 'll put them in the study . Bed . " ~ Paul , Mustang Hill Total Pageviews

Hey guys , so as promised I 've started on a new story . I 've been tweaking it for a couple days now , and I think it 's finally ready for public eyes . I wanna give a quick thanks to everyone who read and supported Graduation . And those who didn 't , well you should go read it : Graduation The clock that hung from the wall ticked loudly through the silence as the pendulum swung from side to side . I had probably been sitting there for 3 minutes without saying a word . What could I say though ? There was nothing on my mind and she seemed stubborn enough to not be the first one to break the silence between us . " Well , it 's really nothing huge . It 's just a bunch of little things . Homework , tests , social ties … stuff like that , " I said . The woman gently uncrossed and re - crossed her legs as she took a sip of her coffee . She stared at me beneath rectangular , black - rimmed glasses as if to signal me to continue . I really didn 't know what to say . I wasn 't even here by my own choice . Stupid school requirements were forcing me to come here . Apparently , when one student kills themselves , every other student must be suicidal as well . " I don 't know . I try to remind myself that I 'm actually doing pretty well in life . I think about that girl Rachel , the one who shot herself , and I just think about how messed up things must have been for her , " I said . " Not really , no . I mean , I didn 't actually know her so her death doesn 't make me sad . But I feel compassion for the people that cared about her . I 've seen them around and they look pretty fucked up , " I said . " It 's fine . No one is going to get mad at you here . I can have a fucking dirty mouth too sometimes , " she said with a smile . I smiled back at her , but it was just a courtesy smile . I really didn 't think I belonged here . On the outside , I was just a normal college student trying his best to do well in life . On the inside , I didn 't really care about much . All over , I was just your typical everyday teenager who just wanted to fit in and be accepted . " She 's great . We 've been friends since Junior High . She brings out the best kind of person in me . When I 'm around her , I just feel so free it 's as if I could be anyone I wanted to be , " I said . " There 's Carly 's boyfriend , Mike . He 's an ok guy . I wouldn 't consider him one of my best friends , but it 's important to Carly that I like him , so I do , " I said . " Well Aaron , from what I 've gathered there is no need for you to be in therapy . You are perfectly normal in every visual way . I 'll write up a dismissal form for you to turn in at the administrator 's office on campus … unless you want to tell me something else ? " she asked . We sat down at one of the picnic tables that were scattered around the campus . Carly dug right into her food but I just sat there playing with mine with my fork . The fork got stuck and I ended up flicking an olive into the air . I eyed her expression up and down . I was trying to tell if she was pulling my leg or if she was honestly suggesting this . She noticed me studying her face and stared back at me with a raised eyebrow . " Quite possibly , but more importantly I 'm actually serious . You 're so bitter and sarcastic all the time . You never actually talk about what 's bothering you , " she said . After Carly took off to her Philosophy class , I decided to walk around campus . My thought train was on several different tracks as it always was . The first track stayed focused on what I would talk about with the counselor . Would she ask me questions again , or would I have to come up with stuff on my own ? What if I couldn 't think of anything to say ? Did it really matter ? I shook my head at the thought . It didn 't matter at all because it wasn 't necessary . It 's not like there 's anything wrong with me . What 's a psychiatrist going to tell me that I don 't already know ? Whatever , it was for Carly anyway . As long as she was content with me then I was happy . She has no need to worry about me , and this was the only way to prove it to her . My second track was thinking about Rachel . Not about her death , but who she really was . I tried to come up with a picture of what her life was like before she killed herself . The news report said her brother and three of her friends were there when she did it . They said she tried to kill one of them , but her brother stopped her . It made me think that her brother was really close to her and meant a lot to her . But why would she kill herself instead of get help ? Did she really not want to live anymore or did she feel so ashamed about what she did that her brother wouldn 't love her anymore ? It was a sad thought , but I figured anyone who is desperate enough to kill themselves if it meant the pain would stop then she was beyond help . It was a sad thought sure , but it didn 't make me sad . Her brother must have had it rough though . If I had a brother or a sister , then I would probably be able to imagine what he felt . But I didn 't , so I didn 't care very much . My third track was about all the new people moving into the dorms after what happened . There were so few people living in the dorms before that I was able to live alone , but now I was being assigned a roommate . Joy . Another person that I have to socialize with every day , just what I wanted . I finally jumped off my thought train and looked at my watch realizing that it was 1 : 30 already . I decided to head back to the dorm and wait for my new roommate . When I walked past the main Administrator 's Office , I turned the corner sharply and accidentally bumped into someone . I hit my head against theirs and fell down on my ass . He lowered his hand towards me to lift me up . I rubbed my head with my left hand as I took his extended arm with my right . He pulled me up and steadied me . As my vision refocused I was able to see his face . He had a pair of bright green eyes fixated on me while I regained my balance . I took a step forward and wobbled a little . He grabbed my shoulder and laughed a little . Once I got my balance back I laughed a little as well and shook my head . " You want me to walk with you and make sure you don 't pass out ? " he asked flashing me his bright smile . We walked across the campus together , every now and then I would stumble a little and he caught me before I tripped over myself . Each time I did it he let out a chuckle . I probably looked like a complete idiot . We were about halfway across the campus when he started talking to me randomly . I looked up at him and admired him a little . I wasn 't a very creative person , and I respected those that were . I couldn 't draw anything to save my life , but I like looking at the work of those that could . He looked at me as we stopped outside of the north dorm building . His bright hazel eyes glimmered in the light from the sun . I studied them as discretely as I could and noticed that there was a hint of gold around the edges . He smiled and revealed a set of bright white teeth that would make a dentist jealous . I didn 't know what he was smiling at , so I raised an eyebrow at him . As he walked away , I tried to study what made him tick , and what made those thoughts slip out of my mind . Even with Carly , I kept all of my sarcasm in my head so I didn 't offend her at all . There was something different about Luke that I couldn 't quite put my finger on . He was like a book full of analogies and metaphors that made my brain itch . He was confusing and yet , I felt like I understood him at the same time . The only thing I didn 't understand was that bizarre question and answer session while we were walking . Did he honestly care if I was ok even though he just met me ? That had to be it ; and that officially made him tomorrow 's problem . Today 's problem was probably already upstairs unpacking it 's shit , and I had to go meet it and make nice with it for the rest of the semester . He was probably some weak little brainiac that was so afraid of the world that he had to move in with the big boys . It 's just what I needed this semester ; to be some pathetic genius ' bodyguard . I flopped down on my bed and closed my eyes for a moment . My thoughts instantly drifted to Lucas … I mean Luke . What was his deal ? No one could be that nice to someone they just met . Fuck , now I was obsessing . I opened my eyes and rubbed the spot on my forehead where his head hit mine . Just then the door popped open and my new roommate stepped inside , followed closely by that awkward moment . I think I 'm going to like this story ! Off to a really great start . I think I have a feeling who Aaron 's new roommate is going to be BTW , I LOVED Graduation ! ! ! You have such compelling storylines and I have a feeling I won 't be disappointed with this one either . Can 't wait for more ! ! already I have noticed some parallels ! rachel killed herself in " Graduation " and also had a brother who was concerned - - same here . I 'm guessing lucas / luke is the love interest ? he has sparking green eyes ( and a killer smile ) , just like Cameron . Reply With Quote July 18th , 2009 , 10 : 56 PM Hmmm ! Haven 't read " Graduation " . . . yet ! . . . but , I 'm liking this one . . . a LOT ! PLEASE keep up the great work ! I 'm definitely looking forward to reading more of YOU ! Very interesting perspective ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote July 19th , 2009 , 01 : 16 AM How great to sign on today and see one of my favorite authors had started a new story . I like the approach this one has and as ASDF pointed out , there are the parallels with " Graduation . " Who would have thought that a tragic event such as Rachael killing herself would have such a wide effect on someone that didn 't even know her . I can tell this is going to be as brilliant a story as " Graduation " but with an entirely new cast of characters . Looking forward to a long read . already I have noticed some parallels ! rachel killed herself in " Graduation " and also had a brother who was concerned - - same here . I 'm guessing lucas / luke is the love interest ? he has sparking green eyes ( and a killer smile ) , just like Cameron . Oops looks like I overlooked something while I was editing . His eyes were supposed to be Hazel . I guess I just missed that one And I 'm glad you guys like it so far . I 'm gonna start chapter two today and hopefully be finished soon . Thanks for the support guys ! Great start ! I really enjoyed " Graduation " , I think I 'll like this story too . Looking forward to chapter 2 already ! Reply With Quote July 23rd , 2009 , 05 : 34 AM ITC this is a great beginning . Looking forward to more . I know that it will be just as fantastic as Graduation and I think you know by now that that story was the greatest . H & K " He 's ok . He 's kinda quiet though . After he unpacked he just sat at his desk playing games on his computer , " I said . Henry and I were sitting in the Student Hall on campus . The building was amazing . It had a big sitting / study area on the main floor , a library on the second floor , and a bunch of little shops , food places , and even a bowling alley in the underground area . I sat on my favorite couch in the room and Henry sat in the armchair sitting adjacent to me . I turned around and looked at the doors behind me . Jonathan was standing there looking awkwardly into the crowd for a place to sit down . I couldn 't help but feel sorry for him . He honestly looked like a guy who just needed a friend . He turned his head and saw me staring at him , so I gave a kind of half wave at him . He looked away instantly and walked towards the stairs . Jonathan stopped dead in his tracks . He looked over at us and saw Henry waving him over to our area . I could see his hesitation and smell his fear from where I was sitting . I nodded at him when he turned his dark brown eyes to me . After a moment of awkward pause , he shifted his feet and walked slowly over to us . I found myself hating him a little bit . Not because he was so awkward , but because he didn 't seem to even want a social life . It was as if he was battling with himself on the inside , and I couldn 't tell if he was winning or losing . He was very difficult to read and for that , I couldn 't help but hate him . No one has been able to hide themselves from me for very long , but this kid was actually giving me a challenge . As he sat down on the opposite end of the couch I was sitting on , there was an awkward moment of silence between us . I gave a quick stink eye at him when he sat on my couch , but hid it before he or Henry could see it . I turned my attention to my laptop which had the website , Fmylife open . Henry noticed my shift in focus and started talking to Jonathan . Tuning out their conversation , I retreated into my thoughts . I nodded at appropriate times and feigned interest like I always did . To be honest , the conversations about this Rachel girl were getting repetitive . Someone who had minimal interaction with her would find someone else who had even less interaction with her and express what a " shock " it was when it happened . I was a little surprised when my thoughts crossed over the pain in my forehead , and suddenly all I could think of was Lucas . He perplexed me . He seemed to genuinely care about my wellbeing , but yet he didn 't ask for my number or ask to walk me up to my room or whatever . I concluded on the thought that he really didn 't care , and that he was just making sure I didn 't want to sue him or anything . My thoughts were interrupted by Henry 's voice . * * * Walking into the club , I heard the sounds of my favorite band , Paramore . Carly immediately began dancing to the tune of Crushcrushcrush as we were walking down the stairs to the main floor of the club . She flung her dark brown hair around in sync with the beat of the song and she pulled Mike out to the dance floor . Henry and I sat at the bar and saw Jonathan walking down the stairs . He was closely followed by Lucas and his eyes magnetically stuck to mine from across the room . I saw a smile creep across his face . He and Jonathan made their way over to the bar , but our eyes never separated . His were full of amusement , while mine were filled with annoyance . I gave him a glare and he burst into laughter . Jonathan and Henry broke off and started chatting while Lucas and I had a couple drinks . Lucas and I just sat at the bar talking about the music they were playing . I sat there stunned for a moment . No way were he and I in the same place at the same time worshiping the same band . I must have been staring for a few minutes because he broke me out of my trance by waving his hand in my face . We sat there as the final line of a song neither of us was paying attention to finished . Eagerly awaiting the next song to play , I looked around and noticed that everyone else was gone . The DJ shut off the sound system and the bartender told us they were closing in a few minutes . We stared at each other with wide eyes and disbelief . He got off his stool and motioned towards the staircase . I wiped my hands on my jeans and walked past him up the stairs . The cool , crisp air outside felt refreshing after being inside for God knows how long . I stretched a bit as Lucas emerged out of the stairway and chuckled at me . He smiled at me and I smiled back . It was then that I realized that I was doing exactly what I didn 't want to do . Acting on instinct , my mind took over and I broke this moment between us . I tried desperately to think of a rational excuse to keep from walking back with him , but failed miserably . I just nodded and walked beside him , not saying a word the whole mile and a half to the dorm . He tried to talk to me , but I made it very clear that I was " too tired to think " so he gave up after the third avoided question . We walked up the stairs of the dorm building and stood outside my room for a moment . Lucas burst into laughter that carried across the courtyard . We walked into the other dorm building and up the stairs to the third floor where Lucas ' room was . This building was much younger and nicer than the one I was living in . We walked into the room and my jaw nearly fell off when I saw the interior . It was at least twice as big as my room , and he didn 't even have a roommate . I went into the bathroom to take a piss and change and I came out to see him already under his covers . I walked softly over to the bed and sat down on it . As usual , I went over the day 's events in my head as a way of cataloguing any significance in any moment . I stopped at the brief moment between Lucas and I outside the club and couldn 't decide if that was significant . Without thinking , I blurted out a question to Lucas . I turned over and lay down on the bed . I stared at the ceiling and kept thinking about that exchange of smiles . As much as I disliked the idea , I had found a new friend in Lucas Harper . That wasn 't what was bothering me though . The issue I was bumping up against was whether or not I would drive him away . He was so different from the people I was friends with . Carly and Henry were just as closed of as I was … I mean am . But Lucas has a warming quality that I was afraid of breaking . I turned over , facing away from Lucas , and started drifting off to sleep . I could hear him lightly snoring from his bed behind me , and for the first time in a while , I let out a genuine laugh . It wasn 't forced or fake . And that 's when I realized that I actually liked Lucas . I was friends with Henry because we were in the same social group and had similar taste in music . I was friends with Carly because we 've been together nearly since birth . And right now , I couldn 't really tell if I actually liked either of them . THANK YOU ! , itc ! Excellent ! Been waiting for this 2nd chapter , and , in the mean time , read " Graduation " ! Now I understand the " tie in " here . Fantastic ! ! I 'm truly enjoying your writing style ! And , especially appreciate your including Aaron 's " inner conversation " with himself . Definitely looking forward to more ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote August 10th , 2009 , 11 : 44 AM Happy to see an addition to the story . I am certain Aaron and Lucas are going to be very good friends . . . . . . . . . . . . hopefully more . Like Littletosay , I wonder if Henry and Jonathan are getting to know each other . . . lol Great chapter ITC ! I felt the vibrations of my phone beneath my pillow . It was just loud enough to wake me , but not enough to stir Lucas out of his sleep . I slowly and quietly changed clothes and left his room . The sun was barely coming up and all I could think of was how much I missed my mother . I clutched the locket that hid beneath my shirt as my breathing became heavy with grief . I looked away from the sunrise and just walked around for a little while . I felt bad for leaving Lucas like that , but it was pointless for me to let myself get close to someone else . I listened to the voice in my head telling me that I had enough . Any more than what I already have would just make things harder . I would have just left it at that , but then I heard a voice I hadn 't heard in a long time . There was a name I hadn 't thought of in years . He was a lot like Lucas , or at least what I 've witnessed from Lucas so far . We complemented each other like cheese and macaroni . Everyone thought we were twins because between the two of us , we knew everything . We were like two halves of an apple . At least , until his dad 's company relocated his family to a small town three states away . That was about two years before I met Henry . If it weren 't for Carly I wouldn 't have even had Henry . But life has been hard enough since then , I don 't need someone else who I am certain will cause me pain one day . The argument in my mind subsided as I once again listened to my negativity and decided that Lucas was too good for me to even try to be his friend . I passed through the doors of my dorm building and saw Henry laying on one of the couches in the lounge . He looked totally smashed from last night . I walked up to him and flicked his ear . When I got him up to his dorm room , I went back downstairs to mine to see if Jonathan was still there . I looked at my watch and it was now 7 : 30 a . m . I poked my head into the room and saw that no one was inside . It reeked of sex so I grabbed the air freshener and just blasted it around the room . I sat on my bed and dropped my head into my hands for a moment . I actually didn 't know Henry as well as I thought . He could have done it himself , but I didn 't want to believe it . I especially didn 't want to because it was our usually breakfast day . It was the only morning the three of us had off at the same time , so we went to the local IHOP and caught up with the week 's events . I shoved my sausages into my mouth and listened to Carly drone on about her and Mike . I honestly couldn 't care less , but as usual I feigned interest and kept any conflict to a minimum . At any second I expected my thoughts to drift away from Carly incessant yammering . And there it was . I forgot my wallet . I don 't even remember where I put it . I felt around all my pockets and nothing . Thankfully it was Carly 's day to pay so I didn 't have to worry as much . * * * I sat down in my chair near the door and planted my face in my arms . I absolutely hated this class . Well , more the professor than the class . He and I were total opposites and we viewed the world completely differently . We constantly argued about the " meaning " of everything since I just believe that the world is in constant chaos and things just happen . We never agreed on anything and being the asshole I am , I always had to argue my point until both of us gave up , or he kicked me out of the class . He walked away towards the back of the room . I saw him sit down in the back row and felt a rush of guilt overwhelm me . I got up and went to sit next to him . " I just assigned a report . You partner up with someone you don 't know or barely know and study them . Then you write a full report about why you think they are the way they are , " he said . I looked at Lucas and he looked back at me . A smile began to penetrate the stern look on his face that he was holding for so long , but he quickly stopped it . I held up my hand to ask a question and Robbins took a deep breath . I smiled when he turned away . I don 't know what made me feel better , freaking out the entire class , or having an academic reason to be friends with Lucas . I turned to Lucas with the smile still on my face and saw the shock on his . He stared at me in disbelief as I chuckled at everyone 's confusion . When class was dismissed , Lucas and I walked towards the parking lot together . There was silence between us that I wanted him to be the one to break . I wanted to think of something to say , but my mind was running on empty . " I 'm sorry , I really can 't . I promised Carly I 'd go see that counselor again . I have to go around 6 : 30 . " I said . I was . The first genuine smile on my face in two years , and Lucas was causing it . I had no idea what that actually meant . I just knew that I wanted to be around Lucas as much as I possibly could . We sat down at one of the tables outside . The light breeze swept through the little junction of stores . Lucas jumped face first into his sandwich while I slowly picked at my pasta . " Ok , " I said pulling the small locket out from under my shirt collar , " This locket belonged to my mother . She bought it one day when we went to Sea World . She always loved dolphins and when she saw this … she said it was the third time in her life that she was absolutely certain about something she wanted . " " I found it one day shortly before I left for school , and I put a picture of her in it . I wear it everyday to remind myself that what I 'm doing is important for me . No matter how far away I am , when I 'm wearing this locket I feel like I 'm right where I belong . " " Alright well , when I was a kid I always wanted to have a dog . My neighbor had a Doberman puppy and I was absolutely in love with it . But my dad was crazy allergic to dog hair , so we couldn 't have one , " he said . " Yeah … so anyway , when I was like 8 or 9 , my dad had a business trip up in Lake Tahoe , so my parents decided to just make it into a family vacation since it was during the summer . My mom and I were walking down a little junction of stores and I walked by this toy store . I looked in the window and saw this little Doberman Beanie Baby , " he said . " I know , I know , guys and Beanie Babies just don 't really mix , but I was just a kid . I begged my mom for like 20 minutes to buy it for me until she was finally convinced that it would keep me from begging for a real dog . As soon as I got it in my arms , I was never apart from it . I loved that dog so much , " he said . I looked at Lucas completely differently . The compassion and kindness that he had wasn 't something he did voluntarily . From his story , I could tell that it was just natural for him . I smiled back at him and nodded . At that moment , it was like everything slowed down . I looked into his bright hazel eyes and saw the vulnerability . I wasn 't looking at his vulnerability , but I could see myself in the reflection of his eyes . I was looking at mine . I had never told anyone about the locket I held with me everyday . I never reached that level of connection with anyone . And yet , here I sat with a near stranger , and I just spilled information about one of my greatest possessions without much provocation from him . It was like that deal between us established a trust that would take most people years to build . We instantly had a " You give , I give " connection . It felt amazing not only to trust someone so easily , but also to be trusted by that person with the same level of ease . I felt different , almost refreshed . I could feel the changes happening inside me . The warmth I locked away so many years ago was bubbling to the surface and pushing out the cold , logical , and emotionless version of me . That was an amazing chapter . I 'm really feeling for Luke and Aaron now . Hopefully they 'll get to be better friends . . . if Aaron 's head doesn 't do him in . What a great story - so well written ! I love the way you let us in to AAron 's inner voices . . . and I could feel the connection happening - blossoming ! I am an incurable romantic - I am loving this ! ! ! Hugs ! Reply With Quote August 15th , 2009 , 09 : 00 PM That was a wonderfully warm and touching chapter . Trust like that does not come easily . I have a feeling Aaron is going to be a little more reasonable with the counselor . He has something important to relay this time . Luke has that inner connection that anyone would be happy to share . Obviously he has some of the same concerns regarding friendships that Aaron has . I like the way things are going in this story . Eager to read the next chapter . Hey guys , so this chapter is a bit shorter but I wanted to get this part out of the way as soon as possible . I think I 've allowed you all get a better feel for Aaron in this chapter and I 'm going to bring in a few subtle hints and a few not so subtle hints with the next few chapters . Enjoy Wings of A Butterfly Veronica looked at me through her black rimmed glasses as I sat in the chair across from her . I subtly looked around the room to try and get a read on her in case I needed some ammo . She offered me a glass of tea , which I reluctantly accepted . Veronica examined me for a moment , as if to check for subtle hints that could actually lead her somewhere . She picked up her cup and sipped at her tea with her eyes closed . When she opened her eyes it was like a fire had been lit in her soul . She held more energy in them , as if she found something she could use . " I believe you agreed because you value your relationship with Carly , but you 're afraid of feeling vulnerable with another human being . So you fight them every step of the way , but you still end up doing things for them . You do it so you appear to care about them , but to also tell them that you wish you didn 't , " she said . " You think you know me after talking to me twice ? Well let me tell you something , you don 't know a thing about me . So you can sit up here in your little room with all your credentials hanging up on the wall and listen to other people complain about their problems . But me , I 'm going out there . I 'm going to do something that actually matters to the world . So you can take your assumptions about me and shove them up your ass because you have no idea why I am the way that I am . " I bolted out of my seat and stormed over towards the door . She was up and at the door faster than I could reach it . She held her hand against the door as I was trying to open it and storm out of the room . She looked calmly into my eyes and somehow forced the rage that was boiling under my skin to subside . She slowly walked back to her seat . As she sat down she motioned toward the chair for me to sit back down . I turned to face her and crossed my arms . " Before you can face whatever makes you afraid of connecting with other people , you need to tell at least one person what it is , " she said , " It doesn 't have to be me , it can be anyone . But until you tell someone , you 'll always be afraid of it . You 'll keep pushing people out of your life just as you 're about to get close to them . " Defeated , I walked back over to the chair across from her . I stared directly into her dark blue eyes . There was no anger or judgment in them . There was no hostility or restraint in mine either . I couldn 't see it , but I definitely felt it . " Aaron , there is no need for an apology . What you did was a classic outburst . In a way , it made it easier to see who you really are underneath this façade you portray , " she said . She looked up at me with confusion on her face . Her lips pursed and her brow wrinkled with intense thought . I noticed her right hand start flipping her pen around her fingers , something that my Psych professor said people do when they are working something over in their mind . She paused for a second . She put down her sandwich and kept her eyes low . She placed her arms on the table across her chest . Her eyes slowly looked up into mine and examined me for a moment . " Aaron , you haven 't been involved with any girl that I know of since I met you . You haven 't given any reason to believe that you 're straight . You 've never even stated whether you were straight or not . So yeah , I can believe that she may have thought so . " I grabbed my things and walked away . The wind was blowing gently , so I decided to follow it and see where it took me . I really didn 't care . It was Friday afternoon , and two days since I last saw Lucas . Me , being the idiot that I am , forgot to get his number . And both times I knocked on his door were not answered . I was walking by the Science and Health Studies building when a door opened and nearly hit me in the face . A crowd of students flew out the door and poured into the courtyard . Politely , I held the door open and waited for every last one of them to leave the room . The last person to leave was the last person I expected it to be . I rolled my eyes and pushed his shoulder . I didn 't even know where we were walking to , but we ended up at the east parking lot . I looked around for a moment in silence while standing next to Lucas waiting for the crosswalk to turn . He smiled and walked across the street with his golden hair being brushed by the light wind . As he walked away , I noticed he was slightly limping . I pushed it into the back of my mind for now and walked off towards the corner store with a small grin on my face . Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote August 17th , 2009 , 09 : 50 AM That was a very thought provoking chapter . It 's obvious Aaron can 't always stay on his sarcastic path . The counselor broke through and Luke has as well . He 's really not a bad ass after all . Now he has to come to terms with his sexuality and I hope Luke will begin that journey with him soon . Thanks for the update and looking for the next . Thanks for the speedy update . . . if only I could crank out quality work that quickly haha . I 'm VERY excited for the next chapter and to find out what this limp was all about . More more more ! ! ! Irish I knocked on his door three times , each knock slightly lower on the door than the other . I never noticed that I did it until now . Something about Lucas made me more aware of anything I did . Even my little weird things like my knock . The pizza in my left hand was starting to make my palm sweat , or at least that 's what I convinced myself was making it sweat . He opened the door and smiled at me . I opened the box and we each grabbed a slice . I sat back down in his chair and he flopped down on his bed and ate the slice in seconds . I laughed at him and he smiled awkwardly at me . A moment of silence passed between us as we ate . His eyes were glued to the ground and I could tell he was thinking of something that he wasn 't sure about saying . After I finished my slice , I took a deep breath . " Well it got me thinking , " he said , " And I thought about it all day . I 'm not trying to pry you for information or anything , but if you want we could make another deal . You tell me something , I 'll tell you something . " Lucas sat up and sat on the edge of his bed . He stared into my eyes and somehow , I felt a little better . The pain in my chest went away and I was able to hold the tears back a little better than before . " I came home from school one day and found her unconscious in the kitchen . I called 911 but it was too late . I found my mother dead that day . " " She worked so hard for me . She worked so hard to give me a good life … " I said , " But she never thought about what would happen to me if she was gone . " That did it . The tears pushed themselves out of my eyes and I fell forward into myself . Lucas stood up and kneeled down in front of me and caught me before I collapsed . He held me and I cried on his shoulder . " Aaron , that 's ok , " he said . He pulled me away from him and looked directly into my eyes . He placed both hands firmly , but gently , on my shoulders . " She obviously didn 't want you to know until it happened , " he said , " She was probably so scared about leaving you . She probably didn 't want you to have to live every single day in fear , and then have grief on top of that feeling after she died . It 's not wrong for you to be angry , but she probably didn 't tell you because of what knowing that she was going to die would do to you . " He looked firmly into my eyes . I could see his fixation , and from that I could tell that he did genuinely care about me . In my mind , I saw myself drowning . I couldn 't keep myself afloat , even though I had people around me trying to pull me out of the water . I was just about to give up and let myself fall beneath the surface , when I felt a hand grab my arm and lift me up . I looked into the eyes of my rescuer . The bright hazel colored eyes that penetrated my soul and brought down every barrier I had built . I looked back into his eyes and felt the pain be washed away . The tears stopped and I regained my composition . I took several deep breaths and calmed myself down . I sat up straight , never looking away from Lucas ' eyes . They made me feel safe . I nodded at him , but remained silent . I didn 't know what to do now . This was the most vulnerable I 've ever felt in my life . For the first time since my mom 's funeral , I cried in front of another person . I knew he felt the tension boiling inside me , so he wrapped his arms around me again to comfort me . I got up and put the movie in and pressed play . I sat back into the chair and he moved back onto his bed . I noticed he kept looking at me as if I were about to shatter into a million pieces . He walked over to his bookshelf , and I noticed his slight limp again . He turned around smiling with the case of October Sky in his hands . I must have had a worried look on my face or something because his smile disappeared and his eyes glazed over a bit . " It 's ok , " he said , " I talked to Jonathan this morning and he told me everything . He seemed so proud of it , so I yelled at him . Then he said , ' It 's not like I raped him or anything , ' and the next thing I knew , my fist flew into his face . I knocked him on the ground and he kicked me in the hip when I leaned in to help him up . " I smiled at him and he smiled back . At that moment , I felt like we were floating in a space of nothingness . There was nothing to worry about except whether or not we were flying or falling . That 's how it was with Lucas . I could be flying or falling , and it would make no difference to me . It was a challenge to be open with him , but at the same time I felt completely safe . We watched the movie in near silence . Apparently we both loved this movie so much that we could nearly recite the script . I swear at one point I saw him mouthing some of the words . But he just blushed and looked away from me . Lucas made me feel different than my other friends did . I didn 't have to worry about what I said or how I said it . I didn 't have to worry about whether or not I stepped on his toes . I didn 't have to worry about anything really . All I had to do was be myself and let him see my vulnerable side every once in a while . * * * It was nearly 11 at night when I got back to my dorm room . Jonathan was sitting at his desk . I could see very clearly where Lucas clocked him . I couldn 't help but smirk a little about it . " Look you little shit , " I said , " I really don 't care if you do drugs . You can OD on the shit for all I care . But if you EVER slip any of my friends any drugs again without them knowing about it , I swear to God I will rip off your balls and shove em down your throat . " " Do you have any idea what I did to people like you at my high school ? " I asked , " Well it would be NOTHING compared to what I would do to you if you came within 5 feet of Henry ever again . Do you understand me ? " He nodded with fear . I released my grip on his shirt and walked away from him . I didn 't hear him move at all , but when I looked back he was opening the door to leave . Wow ! How great to see Aaron being so vulnerable in telling Luke about his mother . Trusting another person so deeply takes a lot of fortitude . Then , along with Luke , being so protective of another friend . A maturity is growing within him and it suits him well . I like that he and Luke are bonding so well . Awesome chapter , ITC . Great work , ITC ! I love how comfortable he 's becoming with Luke . I can really feel this story going somewhere great ! I also enjoyed how both of them stood up for Henry , especially Aaron who only had Luke 's word on the matter . Aw ! THAT is Fantastic ! ! This is a Good story , itc ! THANK YOU ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote Page 1 of 9

Hey guys , so as promised I 've started on a new story . I 've been tweaking it for a couple days now , and I think it 's finally ready for public eyes . I wanna give a quick thanks to everyone who read and supported Graduation . And those who didn 't , well you should go read it : Graduation The clock that hung from the wall ticked loudly through the silence as the pendulum swung from side to side . I had probably been sitting there for 3 minutes without saying a word . What could I say though ? There was nothing on my mind and she seemed stubborn enough to not be the first one to break the silence between us . " Well , it 's really nothing huge . It 's just a bunch of little things . Homework , tests , social ties … stuff like that , " I said . The woman gently uncrossed and re - crossed her legs as she took a sip of her coffee . She stared at me beneath rectangular , black - rimmed glasses as if to signal me to continue . I really didn 't know what to say . I wasn 't even here by my own choice . Stupid school requirements were forcing me to come here . Apparently , when one student kills themselves , every other student must be suicidal as well . " I don 't know . I try to remind myself that I 'm actually doing pretty well in life . I think about that girl Rachel , the one who shot herself , and I just think about how messed up things must have been for her , " I said . " Not really , no . I mean , I didn 't actually know her so her death doesn 't make me sad . But I feel compassion for the people that cared about her . I 've seen them around and they look pretty fucked up , " I said . " It 's fine . No one is going to get mad at you here . I can have a fucking dirty mouth too sometimes , " she said with a smile . I smiled back at her , but it was just a courtesy smile . I really didn 't think I belonged here . On the outside , I was just a normal college student trying his best to do well in life . On the inside , I didn 't really care about much . All over , I was just your typical everyday teenager who just wanted to fit in and be accepted . " She 's great . We 've been friends since Junior High . She brings out the best kind of person in me . When I 'm around her , I just feel so free it 's as if I could be anyone I wanted to be , " I said . " There 's Carly 's boyfriend , Mike . He 's an ok guy . I wouldn 't consider him one of my best friends , but it 's important to Carly that I like him , so I do , " I said . " Well Aaron , from what I 've gathered there is no need for you to be in therapy . You are perfectly normal in every visual way . I 'll write up a dismissal form for you to turn in at the administrator 's office on campus … unless you want to tell me something else ? " she asked . We sat down at one of the picnic tables that were scattered around the campus . Carly dug right into her food but I just sat there playing with mine with my fork . The fork got stuck and I ended up flicking an olive into the air . I eyed her expression up and down . I was trying to tell if she was pulling my leg or if she was honestly suggesting this . She noticed me studying her face and stared back at me with a raised eyebrow . " Quite possibly , but more importantly I 'm actually serious . You 're so bitter and sarcastic all the time . You never actually talk about what 's bothering you , " she said . After Carly took off to her Philosophy class , I decided to walk around campus . My thought train was on several different tracks as it always was . The first track stayed focused on what I would talk about with the counselor . Would she ask me questions again , or would I have to come up with stuff on my own ? What if I couldn 't think of anything to say ? Did it really matter ? I shook my head at the thought . It didn 't matter at all because it wasn 't necessary . It 's not like there 's anything wrong with me . What 's a psychiatrist going to tell me that I don 't already know ? Whatever , it was for Carly anyway . As long as she was content with me then I was happy . She has no need to worry about me , and this was the only way to prove it to her . My second track was thinking about Rachel . Not about her death , but who she really was . I tried to come up with a picture of what her life was like before she killed herself . The news report said her brother and three of her friends were there when she did it . They said she tried to kill one of them , but her brother stopped her . It made me think that her brother was really close to her and meant a lot to her . But why would she kill herself instead of get help ? Did she really not want to live anymore or did she feel so ashamed about what she did that her brother wouldn 't love her anymore ? It was a sad thought , but I figured anyone who is desperate enough to kill themselves if it meant the pain would stop then she was beyond help . It was a sad thought sure , but it didn 't make me sad . Her brother must have had it rough though . If I had a brother or a sister , then I would probably be able to imagine what he felt . But I didn 't , so I didn 't care very much . My third track was about all the new people moving into the dorms after what happened . There were so few people living in the dorms before that I was able to live alone , but now I was being assigned a roommate . Joy . Another person that I have to socialize with every day , just what I wanted . I finally jumped off my thought train and looked at my watch realizing that it was 1 : 30 already . I decided to head back to the dorm and wait for my new roommate . When I walked past the main Administrator 's Office , I turned the corner sharply and accidentally bumped into someone . I hit my head against theirs and fell down on my ass . He lowered his hand towards me to lift me up . I rubbed my head with my left hand as I took his extended arm with my right . He pulled me up and steadied me . As my vision refocused I was able to see his face . He had a pair of bright green eyes fixated on me while I regained my balance . I took a step forward and wobbled a little . He grabbed my shoulder and laughed a little . Once I got my balance back I laughed a little as well and shook my head . " You want me to walk with you and make sure you don 't pass out ? " he asked flashing me his bright smile . We walked across the campus together , every now and then I would stumble a little and he caught me before I tripped over myself . Each time I did it he let out a chuckle . I probably looked like a complete idiot . We were about halfway across the campus when he started talking to me randomly . I looked up at him and admired him a little . I wasn 't a very creative person , and I respected those that were . I couldn 't draw anything to save my life , but I like looking at the work of those that could . He looked at me as we stopped outside of the north dorm building . His bright hazel eyes glimmered in the light from the sun . I studied them as discretely as I could and noticed that there was a hint of gold around the edges . He smiled and revealed a set of bright white teeth that would make a dentist jealous . I didn 't know what he was smiling at , so I raised an eyebrow at him . As he walked away , I tried to study what made him tick , and what made those thoughts slip out of my mind . Even with Carly , I kept all of my sarcasm in my head so I didn 't offend her at all . There was something different about Luke that I couldn 't quite put my finger on . He was like a book full of analogies and metaphors that made my brain itch . He was confusing and yet , I felt like I understood him at the same time . The only thing I didn 't understand was that bizarre question and answer session while we were walking . Did he honestly care if I was ok even though he just met me ? That had to be it ; and that officially made him tomorrow 's problem . Today 's problem was probably already upstairs unpacking it 's shit , and I had to go meet it and make nice with it for the rest of the semester . He was probably some weak little brainiac that was so afraid of the world that he had to move in with the big boys . It 's just what I needed this semester ; to be some pathetic genius ' bodyguard . I flopped down on my bed and closed my eyes for a moment . My thoughts instantly drifted to Lucas … I mean Luke . What was his deal ? No one could be that nice to someone they just met . Fuck , now I was obsessing . I opened my eyes and rubbed the spot on my forehead where his head hit mine . Just then the door popped open and my new roommate stepped inside , followed closely by that awkward moment . I think I 'm going to like this story ! Off to a really great start . I think I have a feeling who Aaron 's new roommate is going to be BTW , I LOVED Graduation ! ! ! You have such compelling storylines and I have a feeling I won 't be disappointed with this one either . Can 't wait for more ! ! already I have noticed some parallels ! rachel killed herself in " Graduation " and also had a brother who was concerned - - same here . I 'm guessing lucas / luke is the love interest ? he has sparking green eyes ( and a killer smile ) , just like Cameron . Reply With Quote July 18th , 2009 , 10 : 56 PM Hmmm ! Haven 't read " Graduation " . . . yet ! . . . but , I 'm liking this one . . . a LOT ! PLEASE keep up the great work ! I 'm definitely looking forward to reading more of YOU ! Very interesting perspective ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote July 19th , 2009 , 01 : 16 AM How great to sign on today and see one of my favorite authors had started a new story . I like the approach this one has and as ASDF pointed out , there are the parallels with " Graduation . " Who would have thought that a tragic event such as Rachael killing herself would have such a wide effect on someone that didn 't even know her . I can tell this is going to be as brilliant a story as " Graduation " but with an entirely new cast of characters . Looking forward to a long read . already I have noticed some parallels ! rachel killed herself in " Graduation " and also had a brother who was concerned - - same here . I 'm guessing lucas / luke is the love interest ? he has sparking green eyes ( and a killer smile ) , just like Cameron . Oops looks like I overlooked something while I was editing . His eyes were supposed to be Hazel . I guess I just missed that one And I 'm glad you guys like it so far . I 'm gonna start chapter two today and hopefully be finished soon . Thanks for the support guys ! Great start ! I really enjoyed " Graduation " , I think I 'll like this story too . Looking forward to chapter 2 already ! Reply With Quote July 23rd , 2009 , 05 : 34 AM ITC this is a great beginning . Looking forward to more . I know that it will be just as fantastic as Graduation and I think you know by now that that story was the greatest . H & K " He 's ok . He 's kinda quiet though . After he unpacked he just sat at his desk playing games on his computer , " I said . Henry and I were sitting in the Student Hall on campus . The building was amazing . It had a big sitting / study area on the main floor , a library on the second floor , and a bunch of little shops , food places , and even a bowling alley in the underground area . I sat on my favorite couch in the room and Henry sat in the armchair sitting adjacent to me . I turned around and looked at the doors behind me . Jonathan was standing there looking awkwardly into the crowd for a place to sit down . I couldn 't help but feel sorry for him . He honestly looked like a guy who just needed a friend . He turned his head and saw me staring at him , so I gave a kind of half wave at him . He looked away instantly and walked towards the stairs . Jonathan stopped dead in his tracks . He looked over at us and saw Henry waving him over to our area . I could see his hesitation and smell his fear from where I was sitting . I nodded at him when he turned his dark brown eyes to me . After a moment of awkward pause , he shifted his feet and walked slowly over to us . I found myself hating him a little bit . Not because he was so awkward , but because he didn 't seem to even want a social life . It was as if he was battling with himself on the inside , and I couldn 't tell if he was winning or losing . He was very difficult to read and for that , I couldn 't help but hate him . No one has been able to hide themselves from me for very long , but this kid was actually giving me a challenge . As he sat down on the opposite end of the couch I was sitting on , there was an awkward moment of silence between us . I gave a quick stink eye at him when he sat on my couch , but hid it before he or Henry could see it . I turned my attention to my laptop which had the website , Fmylife open . Henry noticed my shift in focus and started talking to Jonathan . Tuning out their conversation , I retreated into my thoughts . I nodded at appropriate times and feigned interest like I always did . To be honest , the conversations about this Rachel girl were getting repetitive . Someone who had minimal interaction with her would find someone else who had even less interaction with her and express what a " shock " it was when it happened . I was a little surprised when my thoughts crossed over the pain in my forehead , and suddenly all I could think of was Lucas . He perplexed me . He seemed to genuinely care about my wellbeing , but yet he didn 't ask for my number or ask to walk me up to my room or whatever . I concluded on the thought that he really didn 't care , and that he was just making sure I didn 't want to sue him or anything . My thoughts were interrupted by Henry 's voice . * * * Walking into the club , I heard the sounds of my favorite band , Paramore . Carly immediately began dancing to the tune of Crushcrushcrush as we were walking down the stairs to the main floor of the club . She flung her dark brown hair around in sync with the beat of the song and she pulled Mike out to the dance floor . Henry and I sat at the bar and saw Jonathan walking down the stairs . He was closely followed by Lucas and his eyes magnetically stuck to mine from across the room . I saw a smile creep across his face . He and Jonathan made their way over to the bar , but our eyes never separated . His were full of amusement , while mine were filled with annoyance . I gave him a glare and he burst into laughter . Jonathan and Henry broke off and started chatting while Lucas and I had a couple drinks . Lucas and I just sat at the bar talking about the music they were playing . I sat there stunned for a moment . No way were he and I in the same place at the same time worshiping the same band . I must have been staring for a few minutes because he broke me out of my trance by waving his hand in my face . We sat there as the final line of a song neither of us was paying attention to finished . Eagerly awaiting the next song to play , I looked around and noticed that everyone else was gone . The DJ shut off the sound system and the bartender told us they were closing in a few minutes . We stared at each other with wide eyes and disbelief . He got off his stool and motioned towards the staircase . I wiped my hands on my jeans and walked past him up the stairs . The cool , crisp air outside felt refreshing after being inside for God knows how long . I stretched a bit as Lucas emerged out of the stairway and chuckled at me . He smiled at me and I smiled back . It was then that I realized that I was doing exactly what I didn 't want to do . Acting on instinct , my mind took over and I broke this moment between us . I tried desperately to think of a rational excuse to keep from walking back with him , but failed miserably . I just nodded and walked beside him , not saying a word the whole mile and a half to the dorm . He tried to talk to me , but I made it very clear that I was " too tired to think " so he gave up after the third avoided question . We walked up the stairs of the dorm building and stood outside my room for a moment . Lucas burst into laughter that carried across the courtyard . We walked into the other dorm building and up the stairs to the third floor where Lucas ' room was . This building was much younger and nicer than the one I was living in . We walked into the room and my jaw nearly fell off when I saw the interior . It was at least twice as big as my room , and he didn 't even have a roommate . I went into the bathroom to take a piss and change and I came out to see him already under his covers . I walked softly over to the bed and sat down on it . As usual , I went over the day 's events in my head as a way of cataloguing any significance in any moment . I stopped at the brief moment between Lucas and I outside the club and couldn 't decide if that was significant . Without thinking , I blurted out a question to Lucas . I turned over and lay down on the bed . I stared at the ceiling and kept thinking about that exchange of smiles . As much as I disliked the idea , I had found a new friend in Lucas Harper . That wasn 't what was bothering me though . The issue I was bumping up against was whether or not I would drive him away . He was so different from the people I was friends with . Carly and Henry were just as closed of as I was … I mean am . But Lucas has a warming quality that I was afraid of breaking . I turned over , facing away from Lucas , and started drifting off to sleep . I could hear him lightly snoring from his bed behind me , and for the first time in a while , I let out a genuine laugh . It wasn 't forced or fake . And that 's when I realized that I actually liked Lucas . I was friends with Henry because we were in the same social group and had similar taste in music . I was friends with Carly because we 've been together nearly since birth . And right now , I couldn 't really tell if I actually liked either of them . THANK YOU ! , itc ! Excellent ! Been waiting for this 2nd chapter , and , in the mean time , read " Graduation " ! Now I understand the " tie in " here . Fantastic ! ! I 'm truly enjoying your writing style ! And , especially appreciate your including Aaron 's " inner conversation " with himself . Definitely looking forward to more ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote August 10th , 2009 , 11 : 44 AM Happy to see an addition to the story . I am certain Aaron and Lucas are going to be very good friends . . . . . . . . . . . . hopefully more . Like Littletosay , I wonder if Henry and Jonathan are getting to know each other . . . lol Great chapter ITC ! I felt the vibrations of my phone beneath my pillow . It was just loud enough to wake me , but not enough to stir Lucas out of his sleep . I slowly and quietly changed clothes and left his room . The sun was barely coming up and all I could think of was how much I missed my mother . I clutched the locket that hid beneath my shirt as my breathing became heavy with grief . I looked away from the sunrise and just walked around for a little while . I felt bad for leaving Lucas like that , but it was pointless for me to let myself get close to someone else . I listened to the voice in my head telling me that I had enough . Any more than what I already have would just make things harder . I would have just left it at that , but then I heard a voice I hadn 't heard in a long time . There was a name I hadn 't thought of in years . He was a lot like Lucas , or at least what I 've witnessed from Lucas so far . We complemented each other like cheese and macaroni . Everyone thought we were twins because between the two of us , we knew everything . We were like two halves of an apple . At least , until his dad 's company relocated his family to a small town three states away . That was about two years before I met Henry . If it weren 't for Carly I wouldn 't have even had Henry . But life has been hard enough since then , I don 't need someone else who I am certain will cause me pain one day . The argument in my mind subsided as I once again listened to my negativity and decided that Lucas was too good for me to even try to be his friend . I passed through the doors of my dorm building and saw Henry laying on one of the couches in the lounge . He looked totally smashed from last night . I walked up to him and flicked his ear . When I got him up to his dorm room , I went back downstairs to mine to see if Jonathan was still there . I looked at my watch and it was now 7 : 30 a . m . I poked my head into the room and saw that no one was inside . It reeked of sex so I grabbed the air freshener and just blasted it around the room . I sat on my bed and dropped my head into my hands for a moment . I actually didn 't know Henry as well as I thought . He could have done it himself , but I didn 't want to believe it . I especially didn 't want to because it was our usually breakfast day . It was the only morning the three of us had off at the same time , so we went to the local IHOP and caught up with the week 's events . I shoved my sausages into my mouth and listened to Carly drone on about her and Mike . I honestly couldn 't care less , but as usual I feigned interest and kept any conflict to a minimum . At any second I expected my thoughts to drift away from Carly incessant yammering . And there it was . I forgot my wallet . I don 't even remember where I put it . I felt around all my pockets and nothing . Thankfully it was Carly 's day to pay so I didn 't have to worry as much . * * * I sat down in my chair near the door and planted my face in my arms . I absolutely hated this class . Well , more the professor than the class . He and I were total opposites and we viewed the world completely differently . We constantly argued about the " meaning " of everything since I just believe that the world is in constant chaos and things just happen . We never agreed on anything and being the asshole I am , I always had to argue my point until both of us gave up , or he kicked me out of the class . He walked away towards the back of the room . I saw him sit down in the back row and felt a rush of guilt overwhelm me . I got up and went to sit next to him . " I just assigned a report . You partner up with someone you don 't know or barely know and study them . Then you write a full report about why you think they are the way they are , " he said . I looked at Lucas and he looked back at me . A smile began to penetrate the stern look on his face that he was holding for so long , but he quickly stopped it . I held up my hand to ask a question and Robbins took a deep breath . I smiled when he turned away . I don 't know what made me feel better , freaking out the entire class , or having an academic reason to be friends with Lucas . I turned to Lucas with the smile still on my face and saw the shock on his . He stared at me in disbelief as I chuckled at everyone 's confusion . When class was dismissed , Lucas and I walked towards the parking lot together . There was silence between us that I wanted him to be the one to break . I wanted to think of something to say , but my mind was running on empty . " I 'm sorry , I really can 't . I promised Carly I 'd go see that counselor again . I have to go around 6 : 30 . " I said . I was . The first genuine smile on my face in two years , and Lucas was causing it . I had no idea what that actually meant . I just knew that I wanted to be around Lucas as much as I possibly could . We sat down at one of the tables outside . The light breeze swept through the little junction of stores . Lucas jumped face first into his sandwich while I slowly picked at my pasta . " Ok , " I said pulling the small locket out from under my shirt collar , " This locket belonged to my mother . She bought it one day when we went to Sea World . She always loved dolphins and when she saw this … she said it was the third time in her life that she was absolutely certain about something she wanted . " " I found it one day shortly before I left for school , and I put a picture of her in it . I wear it everyday to remind myself that what I 'm doing is important for me . No matter how far away I am , when I 'm wearing this locket I feel like I 'm right where I belong . " " Alright well , when I was a kid I always wanted to have a dog . My neighbor had a Doberman puppy and I was absolutely in love with it . But my dad was crazy allergic to dog hair , so we couldn 't have one , " he said . " Yeah … so anyway , when I was like 8 or 9 , my dad had a business trip up in Lake Tahoe , so my parents decided to just make it into a family vacation since it was during the summer . My mom and I were walking down a little junction of stores and I walked by this toy store . I looked in the window and saw this little Doberman Beanie Baby , " he said . " I know , I know , guys and Beanie Babies just don 't really mix , but I was just a kid . I begged my mom for like 20 minutes to buy it for me until she was finally convinced that it would keep me from begging for a real dog . As soon as I got it in my arms , I was never apart from it . I loved that dog so much , " he said . I looked at Lucas completely differently . The compassion and kindness that he had wasn 't something he did voluntarily . From his story , I could tell that it was just natural for him . I smiled back at him and nodded . At that moment , it was like everything slowed down . I looked into his bright hazel eyes and saw the vulnerability . I wasn 't looking at his vulnerability , but I could see myself in the reflection of his eyes . I was looking at mine . I had never told anyone about the locket I held with me everyday . I never reached that level of connection with anyone . And yet , here I sat with a near stranger , and I just spilled information about one of my greatest possessions without much provocation from him . It was like that deal between us established a trust that would take most people years to build . We instantly had a " You give , I give " connection . It felt amazing not only to trust someone so easily , but also to be trusted by that person with the same level of ease . I felt different , almost refreshed . I could feel the changes happening inside me . The warmth I locked away so many years ago was bubbling to the surface and pushing out the cold , logical , and emotionless version of me . That was an amazing chapter . I 'm really feeling for Luke and Aaron now . Hopefully they 'll get to be better friends . . . if Aaron 's head doesn 't do him in . What a great story - so well written ! I love the way you let us in to AAron 's inner voices . . . and I could feel the connection happening - blossoming ! I am an incurable romantic - I am loving this ! ! ! Hugs ! Reply With Quote August 15th , 2009 , 09 : 00 PM That was a wonderfully warm and touching chapter . Trust like that does not come easily . I have a feeling Aaron is going to be a little more reasonable with the counselor . He has something important to relay this time . Luke has that inner connection that anyone would be happy to share . Obviously he has some of the same concerns regarding friendships that Aaron has . I like the way things are going in this story . Eager to read the next chapter . Hey guys , so this chapter is a bit shorter but I wanted to get this part out of the way as soon as possible . I think I 've allowed you all get a better feel for Aaron in this chapter and I 'm going to bring in a few subtle hints and a few not so subtle hints with the next few chapters . Enjoy Wings of A Butterfly Veronica looked at me through her black rimmed glasses as I sat in the chair across from her . I subtly looked around the room to try and get a read on her in case I needed some ammo . She offered me a glass of tea , which I reluctantly accepted . Veronica examined me for a moment , as if to check for subtle hints that could actually lead her somewhere . She picked up her cup and sipped at her tea with her eyes closed . When she opened her eyes it was like a fire had been lit in her soul . She held more energy in them , as if she found something she could use . " I believe you agreed because you value your relationship with Carly , but you 're afraid of feeling vulnerable with another human being . So you fight them every step of the way , but you still end up doing things for them . You do it so you appear to care about them , but to also tell them that you wish you didn 't , " she said . " You think you know me after talking to me twice ? Well let me tell you something , you don 't know a thing about me . So you can sit up here in your little room with all your credentials hanging up on the wall and listen to other people complain about their problems . But me , I 'm going out there . I 'm going to do something that actually matters to the world . So you can take your assumptions about me and shove them up your ass because you have no idea why I am the way that I am . " I bolted out of my seat and stormed over towards the door . She was up and at the door faster than I could reach it . She held her hand against the door as I was trying to open it and storm out of the room . She looked calmly into my eyes and somehow forced the rage that was boiling under my skin to subside . She slowly walked back to her seat . As she sat down she motioned toward the chair for me to sit back down . I turned to face her and crossed my arms . " Before you can face whatever makes you afraid of connecting with other people , you need to tell at least one person what it is , " she said , " It doesn 't have to be me , it can be anyone . But until you tell someone , you 'll always be afraid of it . You 'll keep pushing people out of your life just as you 're about to get close to them . " Defeated , I walked back over to the chair across from her . I stared directly into her dark blue eyes . There was no anger or judgment in them . There was no hostility or restraint in mine either . I couldn 't see it , but I definitely felt it . " Aaron , there is no need for an apology . What you did was a classic outburst . In a way , it made it easier to see who you really are underneath this façade you portray , " she said . She looked up at me with confusion on her face . Her lips pursed and her brow wrinkled with intense thought . I noticed her right hand start flipping her pen around her fingers , something that my Psych professor said people do when they are working something over in their mind . She paused for a second . She put down her sandwich and kept her eyes low . She placed her arms on the table across her chest . Her eyes slowly looked up into mine and examined me for a moment . " Aaron , you haven 't been involved with any girl that I know of since I met you . You haven 't given any reason to believe that you 're straight . You 've never even stated whether you were straight or not . So yeah , I can believe that she may have thought so . " I grabbed my things and walked away . The wind was blowing gently , so I decided to follow it and see where it took me . I really didn 't care . It was Friday afternoon , and two days since I last saw Lucas . Me , being the idiot that I am , forgot to get his number . And both times I knocked on his door were not answered . I was walking by the Science and Health Studies building when a door opened and nearly hit me in the face . A crowd of students flew out the door and poured into the courtyard . Politely , I held the door open and waited for every last one of them to leave the room . The last person to leave was the last person I expected it to be . I rolled my eyes and pushed his shoulder . I didn 't even know where we were walking to , but we ended up at the east parking lot . I looked around for a moment in silence while standing next to Lucas waiting for the crosswalk to turn . He smiled and walked across the street with his golden hair being brushed by the light wind . As he walked away , I noticed he was slightly limping . I pushed it into the back of my mind for now and walked off towards the corner store with a small grin on my face . Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote August 17th , 2009 , 09 : 50 AM That was a very thought provoking chapter . It 's obvious Aaron can 't always stay on his sarcastic path . The counselor broke through and Luke has as well . He 's really not a bad ass after all . Now he has to come to terms with his sexuality and I hope Luke will begin that journey with him soon . Thanks for the update and looking for the next . Thanks for the speedy update . . . if only I could crank out quality work that quickly haha . I 'm VERY excited for the next chapter and to find out what this limp was all about . More more more ! ! ! Irish I knocked on his door three times , each knock slightly lower on the door than the other . I never noticed that I did it until now . Something about Lucas made me more aware of anything I did . Even my little weird things like my knock . The pizza in my left hand was starting to make my palm sweat , or at least that 's what I convinced myself was making it sweat . He opened the door and smiled at me . I opened the box and we each grabbed a slice . I sat back down in his chair and he flopped down on his bed and ate the slice in seconds . I laughed at him and he smiled awkwardly at me . A moment of silence passed between us as we ate . His eyes were glued to the ground and I could tell he was thinking of something that he wasn 't sure about saying . After I finished my slice , I took a deep breath . " Well it got me thinking , " he said , " And I thought about it all day . I 'm not trying to pry you for information or anything , but if you want we could make another deal . You tell me something , I 'll tell you something . " Lucas sat up and sat on the edge of his bed . He stared into my eyes and somehow , I felt a little better . The pain in my chest went away and I was able to hold the tears back a little better than before . " I came home from school one day and found her unconscious in the kitchen . I called 911 but it was too late . I found my mother dead that day . " " She worked so hard for me . She worked so hard to give me a good life … " I said , " But she never thought about what would happen to me if she was gone . " That did it . The tears pushed themselves out of my eyes and I fell forward into myself . Lucas stood up and kneeled down in front of me and caught me before I collapsed . He held me and I cried on his shoulder . " Aaron , that 's ok , " he said . He pulled me away from him and looked directly into my eyes . He placed both hands firmly , but gently , on my shoulders . " She obviously didn 't want you to know until it happened , " he said , " She was probably so scared about leaving you . She probably didn 't want you to have to live every single day in fear , and then have grief on top of that feeling after she died . It 's not wrong for you to be angry , but she probably didn 't tell you because of what knowing that she was going to die would do to you . " He looked firmly into my eyes . I could see his fixation , and from that I could tell that he did genuinely care about me . In my mind , I saw myself drowning . I couldn 't keep myself afloat , even though I had people around me trying to pull me out of the water . I was just about to give up and let myself fall beneath the surface , when I felt a hand grab my arm and lift me up . I looked into the eyes of my rescuer . The bright hazel colored eyes that penetrated my soul and brought down every barrier I had built . I looked back into his eyes and felt the pain be washed away . The tears stopped and I regained my composition . I took several deep breaths and calmed myself down . I sat up straight , never looking away from Lucas ' eyes . They made me feel safe . I nodded at him , but remained silent . I didn 't know what to do now . This was the most vulnerable I 've ever felt in my life . For the first time since my mom 's funeral , I cried in front of another person . I knew he felt the tension boiling inside me , so he wrapped his arms around me again to comfort me . I got up and put the movie in and pressed play . I sat back into the chair and he moved back onto his bed . I noticed he kept looking at me as if I were about to shatter into a million pieces . He walked over to his bookshelf , and I noticed his slight limp again . He turned around smiling with the case of October Sky in his hands . I must have had a worried look on my face or something because his smile disappeared and his eyes glazed over a bit . " It 's ok , " he said , " I talked to Jonathan this morning and he told me everything . He seemed so proud of it , so I yelled at him . Then he said , ' It 's not like I raped him or anything , ' and the next thing I knew , my fist flew into his face . I knocked him on the ground and he kicked me in the hip when I leaned in to help him up . " I smiled at him and he smiled back . At that moment , I felt like we were floating in a space of nothingness . There was nothing to worry about except whether or not we were flying or falling . That 's how it was with Lucas . I could be flying or falling , and it would make no difference to me . It was a challenge to be open with him , but at the same time I felt completely safe . We watched the movie in near silence . Apparently we both loved this movie so much that we could nearly recite the script . I swear at one point I saw him mouthing some of the words . But he just blushed and looked away from me . Lucas made me feel different than my other friends did . I didn 't have to worry about what I said or how I said it . I didn 't have to worry about whether or not I stepped on his toes . I didn 't have to worry about anything really . All I had to do was be myself and let him see my vulnerable side every once in a while . * * * It was nearly 11 at night when I got back to my dorm room . Jonathan was sitting at his desk . I could see very clearly where Lucas clocked him . I couldn 't help but smirk a little about it . " Look you little shit , " I said , " I really don 't care if you do drugs . You can OD on the shit for all I care . But if you EVER slip any of my friends any drugs again without them knowing about it , I swear to God I will rip off your balls and shove em down your throat . " " Do you have any idea what I did to people like you at my high school ? " I asked , " Well it would be NOTHING compared to what I would do to you if you came within 5 feet of Henry ever again . Do you understand me ? " He nodded with fear . I released my grip on his shirt and walked away from him . I didn 't hear him move at all , but when I looked back he was opening the door to leave . Wow ! How great to see Aaron being so vulnerable in telling Luke about his mother . Trusting another person so deeply takes a lot of fortitude . Then , along with Luke , being so protective of another friend . A maturity is growing within him and it suits him well . I like that he and Luke are bonding so well . Awesome chapter , ITC . Great work , ITC ! I love how comfortable he 's becoming with Luke . I can really feel this story going somewhere great ! I also enjoyed how both of them stood up for Henry , especially Aaron who only had Luke 's word on the matter . Aw ! THAT is Fantastic ! ! This is a Good story , itc ! THANK YOU ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote Page 1 of 9

Hey guys , so as promised I 've started on a new story . I 've been tweaking it for a couple days now , and I think it 's finally ready for public eyes . I wanna give a quick thanks to everyone who read and supported Graduation . And those who didn 't , well you should go read it : Graduation The clock that hung from the wall ticked loudly through the silence as the pendulum swung from side to side . I had probably been sitting there for 3 minutes without saying a word . What could I say though ? There was nothing on my mind and she seemed stubborn enough to not be the first one to break the silence between us . " Well , it 's really nothing huge . It 's just a bunch of little things . Homework , tests , social ties … stuff like that , " I said . The woman gently uncrossed and re - crossed her legs as she took a sip of her coffee . She stared at me beneath rectangular , black - rimmed glasses as if to signal me to continue . I really didn 't know what to say . I wasn 't even here by my own choice . Stupid school requirements were forcing me to come here . Apparently , when one student kills themselves , every other student must be suicidal as well . " I don 't know . I try to remind myself that I 'm actually doing pretty well in life . I think about that girl Rachel , the one who shot herself , and I just think about how messed up things must have been for her , " I said . " Not really , no . I mean , I didn 't actually know her so her death doesn 't make me sad . But I feel compassion for the people that cared about her . I 've seen them around and they look pretty fucked up , " I said . " It 's fine . No one is going to get mad at you here . I can have a fucking dirty mouth too sometimes , " she said with a smile . I smiled back at her , but it was just a courtesy smile . I really didn 't think I belonged here . On the outside , I was just a normal college student trying his best to do well in life . On the inside , I didn 't really care about much . All over , I was just your typical everyday teenager who just wanted to fit in and be accepted . " She 's great . We 've been friends since Junior High . She brings out the best kind of person in me . When I 'm around her , I just feel so free it 's as if I could be anyone I wanted to be , " I said . " There 's Carly 's boyfriend , Mike . He 's an ok guy . I wouldn 't consider him one of my best friends , but it 's important to Carly that I like him , so I do , " I said . " Well Aaron , from what I 've gathered there is no need for you to be in therapy . You are perfectly normal in every visual way . I 'll write up a dismissal form for you to turn in at the administrator 's office on campus … unless you want to tell me something else ? " she asked . We sat down at one of the picnic tables that were scattered around the campus . Carly dug right into her food but I just sat there playing with mine with my fork . The fork got stuck and I ended up flicking an olive into the air . I eyed her expression up and down . I was trying to tell if she was pulling my leg or if she was honestly suggesting this . She noticed me studying her face and stared back at me with a raised eyebrow . " Quite possibly , but more importantly I 'm actually serious . You 're so bitter and sarcastic all the time . You never actually talk about what 's bothering you , " she said . After Carly took off to her Philosophy class , I decided to walk around campus . My thought train was on several different tracks as it always was . The first track stayed focused on what I would talk about with the counselor . Would she ask me questions again , or would I have to come up with stuff on my own ? What if I couldn 't think of anything to say ? Did it really matter ? I shook my head at the thought . It didn 't matter at all because it wasn 't necessary . It 's not like there 's anything wrong with me . What 's a psychiatrist going to tell me that I don 't already know ? Whatever , it was for Carly anyway . As long as she was content with me then I was happy . She has no need to worry about me , and this was the only way to prove it to her . My second track was thinking about Rachel . Not about her death , but who she really was . I tried to come up with a picture of what her life was like before she killed herself . The news report said her brother and three of her friends were there when she did it . They said she tried to kill one of them , but her brother stopped her . It made me think that her brother was really close to her and meant a lot to her . But why would she kill herself instead of get help ? Did she really not want to live anymore or did she feel so ashamed about what she did that her brother wouldn 't love her anymore ? It was a sad thought , but I figured anyone who is desperate enough to kill themselves if it meant the pain would stop then she was beyond help . It was a sad thought sure , but it didn 't make me sad . Her brother must have had it rough though . If I had a brother or a sister , then I would probably be able to imagine what he felt . But I didn 't , so I didn 't care very much . My third track was about all the new people moving into the dorms after what happened . There were so few people living in the dorms before that I was able to live alone , but now I was being assigned a roommate . Joy . Another person that I have to socialize with every day , just what I wanted . I finally jumped off my thought train and looked at my watch realizing that it was 1 : 30 already . I decided to head back to the dorm and wait for my new roommate . When I walked past the main Administrator 's Office , I turned the corner sharply and accidentally bumped into someone . I hit my head against theirs and fell down on my ass . He lowered his hand towards me to lift me up . I rubbed my head with my left hand as I took his extended arm with my right . He pulled me up and steadied me . As my vision refocused I was able to see his face . He had a pair of bright green eyes fixated on me while I regained my balance . I took a step forward and wobbled a little . He grabbed my shoulder and laughed a little . Once I got my balance back I laughed a little as well and shook my head . " You want me to walk with you and make sure you don 't pass out ? " he asked flashing me his bright smile . We walked across the campus together , every now and then I would stumble a little and he caught me before I tripped over myself . Each time I did it he let out a chuckle . I probably looked like a complete idiot . We were about halfway across the campus when he started talking to me randomly . I looked up at him and admired him a little . I wasn 't a very creative person , and I respected those that were . I couldn 't draw anything to save my life , but I like looking at the work of those that could . He looked at me as we stopped outside of the north dorm building . His bright hazel eyes glimmered in the light from the sun . I studied them as discretely as I could and noticed that there was a hint of gold around the edges . He smiled and revealed a set of bright white teeth that would make a dentist jealous . I didn 't know what he was smiling at , so I raised an eyebrow at him . As he walked away , I tried to study what made him tick , and what made those thoughts slip out of my mind . Even with Carly , I kept all of my sarcasm in my head so I didn 't offend her at all . There was something different about Luke that I couldn 't quite put my finger on . He was like a book full of analogies and metaphors that made my brain itch . He was confusing and yet , I felt like I understood him at the same time . The only thing I didn 't understand was that bizarre question and answer session while we were walking . Did he honestly care if I was ok even though he just met me ? That had to be it ; and that officially made him tomorrow 's problem . Today 's problem was probably already upstairs unpacking it 's shit , and I had to go meet it and make nice with it for the rest of the semester . He was probably some weak little brainiac that was so afraid of the world that he had to move in with the big boys . It 's just what I needed this semester ; to be some pathetic genius ' bodyguard . I flopped down on my bed and closed my eyes for a moment . My thoughts instantly drifted to Lucas … I mean Luke . What was his deal ? No one could be that nice to someone they just met . Fuck , now I was obsessing . I opened my eyes and rubbed the spot on my forehead where his head hit mine . Just then the door popped open and my new roommate stepped inside , followed closely by that awkward moment . I think I 'm going to like this story ! Off to a really great start . I think I have a feeling who Aaron 's new roommate is going to be BTW , I LOVED Graduation ! ! ! You have such compelling storylines and I have a feeling I won 't be disappointed with this one either . Can 't wait for more ! ! already I have noticed some parallels ! rachel killed herself in " Graduation " and also had a brother who was concerned - - same here . I 'm guessing lucas / luke is the love interest ? he has sparking green eyes ( and a killer smile ) , just like Cameron . Reply With Quote July 18th , 2009 , 10 : 56 PM Hmmm ! Haven 't read " Graduation " . . . yet ! . . . but , I 'm liking this one . . . a LOT ! PLEASE keep up the great work ! I 'm definitely looking forward to reading more of YOU ! Very interesting perspective ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote July 19th , 2009 , 01 : 16 AM How great to sign on today and see one of my favorite authors had started a new story . I like the approach this one has and as ASDF pointed out , there are the parallels with " Graduation . " Who would have thought that a tragic event such as Rachael killing herself would have such a wide effect on someone that didn 't even know her . I can tell this is going to be as brilliant a story as " Graduation " but with an entirely new cast of characters . Looking forward to a long read . already I have noticed some parallels ! rachel killed herself in " Graduation " and also had a brother who was concerned - - same here . I 'm guessing lucas / luke is the love interest ? he has sparking green eyes ( and a killer smile ) , just like Cameron . Oops looks like I overlooked something while I was editing . His eyes were supposed to be Hazel . I guess I just missed that one And I 'm glad you guys like it so far . I 'm gonna start chapter two today and hopefully be finished soon . Thanks for the support guys ! Great start ! I really enjoyed " Graduation " , I think I 'll like this story too . Looking forward to chapter 2 already ! Reply With Quote July 23rd , 2009 , 05 : 34 AM ITC this is a great beginning . Looking forward to more . I know that it will be just as fantastic as Graduation and I think you know by now that that story was the greatest . H & K " He 's ok . He 's kinda quiet though . After he unpacked he just sat at his desk playing games on his computer , " I said . Henry and I were sitting in the Student Hall on campus . The building was amazing . It had a big sitting / study area on the main floor , a library on the second floor , and a bunch of little shops , food places , and even a bowling alley in the underground area . I sat on my favorite couch in the room and Henry sat in the armchair sitting adjacent to me . I turned around and looked at the doors behind me . Jonathan was standing there looking awkwardly into the crowd for a place to sit down . I couldn 't help but feel sorry for him . He honestly looked like a guy who just needed a friend . He turned his head and saw me staring at him , so I gave a kind of half wave at him . He looked away instantly and walked towards the stairs . Jonathan stopped dead in his tracks . He looked over at us and saw Henry waving him over to our area . I could see his hesitation and smell his fear from where I was sitting . I nodded at him when he turned his dark brown eyes to me . After a moment of awkward pause , he shifted his feet and walked slowly over to us . I found myself hating him a little bit . Not because he was so awkward , but because he didn 't seem to even want a social life . It was as if he was battling with himself on the inside , and I couldn 't tell if he was winning or losing . He was very difficult to read and for that , I couldn 't help but hate him . No one has been able to hide themselves from me for very long , but this kid was actually giving me a challenge . As he sat down on the opposite end of the couch I was sitting on , there was an awkward moment of silence between us . I gave a quick stink eye at him when he sat on my couch , but hid it before he or Henry could see it . I turned my attention to my laptop which had the website , Fmylife open . Henry noticed my shift in focus and started talking to Jonathan . Tuning out their conversation , I retreated into my thoughts . I nodded at appropriate times and feigned interest like I always did . To be honest , the conversations about this Rachel girl were getting repetitive . Someone who had minimal interaction with her would find someone else who had even less interaction with her and express what a " shock " it was when it happened . I was a little surprised when my thoughts crossed over the pain in my forehead , and suddenly all I could think of was Lucas . He perplexed me . He seemed to genuinely care about my wellbeing , but yet he didn 't ask for my number or ask to walk me up to my room or whatever . I concluded on the thought that he really didn 't care , and that he was just making sure I didn 't want to sue him or anything . My thoughts were interrupted by Henry 's voice . * * * Walking into the club , I heard the sounds of my favorite band , Paramore . Carly immediately began dancing to the tune of Crushcrushcrush as we were walking down the stairs to the main floor of the club . She flung her dark brown hair around in sync with the beat of the song and she pulled Mike out to the dance floor . Henry and I sat at the bar and saw Jonathan walking down the stairs . He was closely followed by Lucas and his eyes magnetically stuck to mine from across the room . I saw a smile creep across his face . He and Jonathan made their way over to the bar , but our eyes never separated . His were full of amusement , while mine were filled with annoyance . I gave him a glare and he burst into laughter . Jonathan and Henry broke off and started chatting while Lucas and I had a couple drinks . Lucas and I just sat at the bar talking about the music they were playing . I sat there stunned for a moment . No way were he and I in the same place at the same time worshiping the same band . I must have been staring for a few minutes because he broke me out of my trance by waving his hand in my face . We sat there as the final line of a song neither of us was paying attention to finished . Eagerly awaiting the next song to play , I looked around and noticed that everyone else was gone . The DJ shut off the sound system and the bartender told us they were closing in a few minutes . We stared at each other with wide eyes and disbelief . He got off his stool and motioned towards the staircase . I wiped my hands on my jeans and walked past him up the stairs . The cool , crisp air outside felt refreshing after being inside for God knows how long . I stretched a bit as Lucas emerged out of the stairway and chuckled at me . He smiled at me and I smiled back . It was then that I realized that I was doing exactly what I didn 't want to do . Acting on instinct , my mind took over and I broke this moment between us . I tried desperately to think of a rational excuse to keep from walking back with him , but failed miserably . I just nodded and walked beside him , not saying a word the whole mile and a half to the dorm . He tried to talk to me , but I made it very clear that I was " too tired to think " so he gave up after the third avoided question . We walked up the stairs of the dorm building and stood outside my room for a moment . Lucas burst into laughter that carried across the courtyard . We walked into the other dorm building and up the stairs to the third floor where Lucas ' room was . This building was much younger and nicer than the one I was living in . We walked into the room and my jaw nearly fell off when I saw the interior . It was at least twice as big as my room , and he didn 't even have a roommate . I went into the bathroom to take a piss and change and I came out to see him already under his covers . I walked softly over to the bed and sat down on it . As usual , I went over the day 's events in my head as a way of cataloguing any significance in any moment . I stopped at the brief moment between Lucas and I outside the club and couldn 't decide if that was significant . Without thinking , I blurted out a question to Lucas . I turned over and lay down on the bed . I stared at the ceiling and kept thinking about that exchange of smiles . As much as I disliked the idea , I had found a new friend in Lucas Harper . That wasn 't what was bothering me though . The issue I was bumping up against was whether or not I would drive him away . He was so different from the people I was friends with . Carly and Henry were just as closed of as I was … I mean am . But Lucas has a warming quality that I was afraid of breaking . I turned over , facing away from Lucas , and started drifting off to sleep . I could hear him lightly snoring from his bed behind me , and for the first time in a while , I let out a genuine laugh . It wasn 't forced or fake . And that 's when I realized that I actually liked Lucas . I was friends with Henry because we were in the same social group and had similar taste in music . I was friends with Carly because we 've been together nearly since birth . And right now , I couldn 't really tell if I actually liked either of them . THANK YOU ! , itc ! Excellent ! Been waiting for this 2nd chapter , and , in the mean time , read " Graduation " ! Now I understand the " tie in " here . Fantastic ! ! I 'm truly enjoying your writing style ! And , especially appreciate your including Aaron 's " inner conversation " with himself . Definitely looking forward to more ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote August 10th , 2009 , 11 : 44 AM Happy to see an addition to the story . I am certain Aaron and Lucas are going to be very good friends . . . . . . . . . . . . hopefully more . Like Littletosay , I wonder if Henry and Jonathan are getting to know each other . . . lol Great chapter ITC ! I felt the vibrations of my phone beneath my pillow . It was just loud enough to wake me , but not enough to stir Lucas out of his sleep . I slowly and quietly changed clothes and left his room . The sun was barely coming up and all I could think of was how much I missed my mother . I clutched the locket that hid beneath my shirt as my breathing became heavy with grief . I looked away from the sunrise and just walked around for a little while . I felt bad for leaving Lucas like that , but it was pointless for me to let myself get close to someone else . I listened to the voice in my head telling me that I had enough . Any more than what I already have would just make things harder . I would have just left it at that , but then I heard a voice I hadn 't heard in a long time . There was a name I hadn 't thought of in years . He was a lot like Lucas , or at least what I 've witnessed from Lucas so far . We complemented each other like cheese and macaroni . Everyone thought we were twins because between the two of us , we knew everything . We were like two halves of an apple . At least , until his dad 's company relocated his family to a small town three states away . That was about two years before I met Henry . If it weren 't for Carly I wouldn 't have even had Henry . But life has been hard enough since then , I don 't need someone else who I am certain will cause me pain one day . The argument in my mind subsided as I once again listened to my negativity and decided that Lucas was too good for me to even try to be his friend . I passed through the doors of my dorm building and saw Henry laying on one of the couches in the lounge . He looked totally smashed from last night . I walked up to him and flicked his ear . When I got him up to his dorm room , I went back downstairs to mine to see if Jonathan was still there . I looked at my watch and it was now 7 : 30 a . m . I poked my head into the room and saw that no one was inside . It reeked of sex so I grabbed the air freshener and just blasted it around the room . I sat on my bed and dropped my head into my hands for a moment . I actually didn 't know Henry as well as I thought . He could have done it himself , but I didn 't want to believe it . I especially didn 't want to because it was our usually breakfast day . It was the only morning the three of us had off at the same time , so we went to the local IHOP and caught up with the week 's events . I shoved my sausages into my mouth and listened to Carly drone on about her and Mike . I honestly couldn 't care less , but as usual I feigned interest and kept any conflict to a minimum . At any second I expected my thoughts to drift away from Carly incessant yammering . And there it was . I forgot my wallet . I don 't even remember where I put it . I felt around all my pockets and nothing . Thankfully it was Carly 's day to pay so I didn 't have to worry as much . * * * I sat down in my chair near the door and planted my face in my arms . I absolutely hated this class . Well , more the professor than the class . He and I were total opposites and we viewed the world completely differently . We constantly argued about the " meaning " of everything since I just believe that the world is in constant chaos and things just happen . We never agreed on anything and being the asshole I am , I always had to argue my point until both of us gave up , or he kicked me out of the class . He walked away towards the back of the room . I saw him sit down in the back row and felt a rush of guilt overwhelm me . I got up and went to sit next to him . " I just assigned a report . You partner up with someone you don 't know or barely know and study them . Then you write a full report about why you think they are the way they are , " he said . I looked at Lucas and he looked back at me . A smile began to penetrate the stern look on his face that he was holding for so long , but he quickly stopped it . I held up my hand to ask a question and Robbins took a deep breath . I smiled when he turned away . I don 't know what made me feel better , freaking out the entire class , or having an academic reason to be friends with Lucas . I turned to Lucas with the smile still on my face and saw the shock on his . He stared at me in disbelief as I chuckled at everyone 's confusion . When class was dismissed , Lucas and I walked towards the parking lot together . There was silence between us that I wanted him to be the one to break . I wanted to think of something to say , but my mind was running on empty . " I 'm sorry , I really can 't . I promised Carly I 'd go see that counselor again . I have to go around 6 : 30 . " I said . I was . The first genuine smile on my face in two years , and Lucas was causing it . I had no idea what that actually meant . I just knew that I wanted to be around Lucas as much as I possibly could . We sat down at one of the tables outside . The light breeze swept through the little junction of stores . Lucas jumped face first into his sandwich while I slowly picked at my pasta . " Ok , " I said pulling the small locket out from under my shirt collar , " This locket belonged to my mother . She bought it one day when we went to Sea World . She always loved dolphins and when she saw this … she said it was the third time in her life that she was absolutely certain about something she wanted . " " I found it one day shortly before I left for school , and I put a picture of her in it . I wear it everyday to remind myself that what I 'm doing is important for me . No matter how far away I am , when I 'm wearing this locket I feel like I 'm right where I belong . " " Alright well , when I was a kid I always wanted to have a dog . My neighbor had a Doberman puppy and I was absolutely in love with it . But my dad was crazy allergic to dog hair , so we couldn 't have one , " he said . " Yeah … so anyway , when I was like 8 or 9 , my dad had a business trip up in Lake Tahoe , so my parents decided to just make it into a family vacation since it was during the summer . My mom and I were walking down a little junction of stores and I walked by this toy store . I looked in the window and saw this little Doberman Beanie Baby , " he said . " I know , I know , guys and Beanie Babies just don 't really mix , but I was just a kid . I begged my mom for like 20 minutes to buy it for me until she was finally convinced that it would keep me from begging for a real dog . As soon as I got it in my arms , I was never apart from it . I loved that dog so much , " he said . I looked at Lucas completely differently . The compassion and kindness that he had wasn 't something he did voluntarily . From his story , I could tell that it was just natural for him . I smiled back at him and nodded . At that moment , it was like everything slowed down . I looked into his bright hazel eyes and saw the vulnerability . I wasn 't looking at his vulnerability , but I could see myself in the reflection of his eyes . I was looking at mine . I had never told anyone about the locket I held with me everyday . I never reached that level of connection with anyone . And yet , here I sat with a near stranger , and I just spilled information about one of my greatest possessions without much provocation from him . It was like that deal between us established a trust that would take most people years to build . We instantly had a " You give , I give " connection . It felt amazing not only to trust someone so easily , but also to be trusted by that person with the same level of ease . I felt different , almost refreshed . I could feel the changes happening inside me . The warmth I locked away so many years ago was bubbling to the surface and pushing out the cold , logical , and emotionless version of me . That was an amazing chapter . I 'm really feeling for Luke and Aaron now . Hopefully they 'll get to be better friends . . . if Aaron 's head doesn 't do him in . What a great story - so well written ! I love the way you let us in to AAron 's inner voices . . . and I could feel the connection happening - blossoming ! I am an incurable romantic - I am loving this ! ! ! Hugs ! Reply With Quote August 15th , 2009 , 09 : 00 PM That was a wonderfully warm and touching chapter . Trust like that does not come easily . I have a feeling Aaron is going to be a little more reasonable with the counselor . He has something important to relay this time . Luke has that inner connection that anyone would be happy to share . Obviously he has some of the same concerns regarding friendships that Aaron has . I like the way things are going in this story . Eager to read the next chapter . Hey guys , so this chapter is a bit shorter but I wanted to get this part out of the way as soon as possible . I think I 've allowed you all get a better feel for Aaron in this chapter and I 'm going to bring in a few subtle hints and a few not so subtle hints with the next few chapters . Enjoy Wings of A Butterfly Veronica looked at me through her black rimmed glasses as I sat in the chair across from her . I subtly looked around the room to try and get a read on her in case I needed some ammo . She offered me a glass of tea , which I reluctantly accepted . Veronica examined me for a moment , as if to check for subtle hints that could actually lead her somewhere . She picked up her cup and sipped at her tea with her eyes closed . When she opened her eyes it was like a fire had been lit in her soul . She held more energy in them , as if she found something she could use . " I believe you agreed because you value your relationship with Carly , but you 're afraid of feeling vulnerable with another human being . So you fight them every step of the way , but you still end up doing things for them . You do it so you appear to care about them , but to also tell them that you wish you didn 't , " she said . " You think you know me after talking to me twice ? Well let me tell you something , you don 't know a thing about me . So you can sit up here in your little room with all your credentials hanging up on the wall and listen to other people complain about their problems . But me , I 'm going out there . I 'm going to do something that actually matters to the world . So you can take your assumptions about me and shove them up your ass because you have no idea why I am the way that I am . " I bolted out of my seat and stormed over towards the door . She was up and at the door faster than I could reach it . She held her hand against the door as I was trying to open it and storm out of the room . She looked calmly into my eyes and somehow forced the rage that was boiling under my skin to subside . She slowly walked back to her seat . As she sat down she motioned toward the chair for me to sit back down . I turned to face her and crossed my arms . " Before you can face whatever makes you afraid of connecting with other people , you need to tell at least one person what it is , " she said , " It doesn 't have to be me , it can be anyone . But until you tell someone , you 'll always be afraid of it . You 'll keep pushing people out of your life just as you 're about to get close to them . " Defeated , I walked back over to the chair across from her . I stared directly into her dark blue eyes . There was no anger or judgment in them . There was no hostility or restraint in mine either . I couldn 't see it , but I definitely felt it . " Aaron , there is no need for an apology . What you did was a classic outburst . In a way , it made it easier to see who you really are underneath this façade you portray , " she said . She looked up at me with confusion on her face . Her lips pursed and her brow wrinkled with intense thought . I noticed her right hand start flipping her pen around her fingers , something that my Psych professor said people do when they are working something over in their mind . She paused for a second . She put down her sandwich and kept her eyes low . She placed her arms on the table across her chest . Her eyes slowly looked up into mine and examined me for a moment . " Aaron , you haven 't been involved with any girl that I know of since I met you . You haven 't given any reason to believe that you 're straight . You 've never even stated whether you were straight or not . So yeah , I can believe that she may have thought so . " I grabbed my things and walked away . The wind was blowing gently , so I decided to follow it and see where it took me . I really didn 't care . It was Friday afternoon , and two days since I last saw Lucas . Me , being the idiot that I am , forgot to get his number . And both times I knocked on his door were not answered . I was walking by the Science and Health Studies building when a door opened and nearly hit me in the face . A crowd of students flew out the door and poured into the courtyard . Politely , I held the door open and waited for every last one of them to leave the room . The last person to leave was the last person I expected it to be . I rolled my eyes and pushed his shoulder . I didn 't even know where we were walking to , but we ended up at the east parking lot . I looked around for a moment in silence while standing next to Lucas waiting for the crosswalk to turn . He smiled and walked across the street with his golden hair being brushed by the light wind . As he walked away , I noticed he was slightly limping . I pushed it into the back of my mind for now and walked off towards the corner store with a small grin on my face . Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote August 17th , 2009 , 09 : 50 AM That was a very thought provoking chapter . It 's obvious Aaron can 't always stay on his sarcastic path . The counselor broke through and Luke has as well . He 's really not a bad ass after all . Now he has to come to terms with his sexuality and I hope Luke will begin that journey with him soon . Thanks for the update and looking for the next . Thanks for the speedy update . . . if only I could crank out quality work that quickly haha . I 'm VERY excited for the next chapter and to find out what this limp was all about . More more more ! ! ! Irish I knocked on his door three times , each knock slightly lower on the door than the other . I never noticed that I did it until now . Something about Lucas made me more aware of anything I did . Even my little weird things like my knock . The pizza in my left hand was starting to make my palm sweat , or at least that 's what I convinced myself was making it sweat . He opened the door and smiled at me . I opened the box and we each grabbed a slice . I sat back down in his chair and he flopped down on his bed and ate the slice in seconds . I laughed at him and he smiled awkwardly at me . A moment of silence passed between us as we ate . His eyes were glued to the ground and I could tell he was thinking of something that he wasn 't sure about saying . After I finished my slice , I took a deep breath . " Well it got me thinking , " he said , " And I thought about it all day . I 'm not trying to pry you for information or anything , but if you want we could make another deal . You tell me something , I 'll tell you something . " Lucas sat up and sat on the edge of his bed . He stared into my eyes and somehow , I felt a little better . The pain in my chest went away and I was able to hold the tears back a little better than before . " I came home from school one day and found her unconscious in the kitchen . I called 911 but it was too late . I found my mother dead that day . " " She worked so hard for me . She worked so hard to give me a good life … " I said , " But she never thought about what would happen to me if she was gone . " That did it . The tears pushed themselves out of my eyes and I fell forward into myself . Lucas stood up and kneeled down in front of me and caught me before I collapsed . He held me and I cried on his shoulder . " Aaron , that 's ok , " he said . He pulled me away from him and looked directly into my eyes . He placed both hands firmly , but gently , on my shoulders . " She obviously didn 't want you to know until it happened , " he said , " She was probably so scared about leaving you . She probably didn 't want you to have to live every single day in fear , and then have grief on top of that feeling after she died . It 's not wrong for you to be angry , but she probably didn 't tell you because of what knowing that she was going to die would do to you . " He looked firmly into my eyes . I could see his fixation , and from that I could tell that he did genuinely care about me . In my mind , I saw myself drowning . I couldn 't keep myself afloat , even though I had people around me trying to pull me out of the water . I was just about to give up and let myself fall beneath the surface , when I felt a hand grab my arm and lift me up . I looked into the eyes of my rescuer . The bright hazel colored eyes that penetrated my soul and brought down every barrier I had built . I looked back into his eyes and felt the pain be washed away . The tears stopped and I regained my composition . I took several deep breaths and calmed myself down . I sat up straight , never looking away from Lucas ' eyes . They made me feel safe . I nodded at him , but remained silent . I didn 't know what to do now . This was the most vulnerable I 've ever felt in my life . For the first time since my mom 's funeral , I cried in front of another person . I knew he felt the tension boiling inside me , so he wrapped his arms around me again to comfort me . I got up and put the movie in and pressed play . I sat back into the chair and he moved back onto his bed . I noticed he kept looking at me as if I were about to shatter into a million pieces . He walked over to his bookshelf , and I noticed his slight limp again . He turned around smiling with the case of October Sky in his hands . I must have had a worried look on my face or something because his smile disappeared and his eyes glazed over a bit . " It 's ok , " he said , " I talked to Jonathan this morning and he told me everything . He seemed so proud of it , so I yelled at him . Then he said , ' It 's not like I raped him or anything , ' and the next thing I knew , my fist flew into his face . I knocked him on the ground and he kicked me in the hip when I leaned in to help him up . " I smiled at him and he smiled back . At that moment , I felt like we were floating in a space of nothingness . There was nothing to worry about except whether or not we were flying or falling . That 's how it was with Lucas . I could be flying or falling , and it would make no difference to me . It was a challenge to be open with him , but at the same time I felt completely safe . We watched the movie in near silence . Apparently we both loved this movie so much that we could nearly recite the script . I swear at one point I saw him mouthing some of the words . But he just blushed and looked away from me . Lucas made me feel different than my other friends did . I didn 't have to worry about what I said or how I said it . I didn 't have to worry about whether or not I stepped on his toes . I didn 't have to worry about anything really . All I had to do was be myself and let him see my vulnerable side every once in a while . * * * It was nearly 11 at night when I got back to my dorm room . Jonathan was sitting at his desk . I could see very clearly where Lucas clocked him . I couldn 't help but smirk a little about it . " Look you little shit , " I said , " I really don 't care if you do drugs . You can OD on the shit for all I care . But if you EVER slip any of my friends any drugs again without them knowing about it , I swear to God I will rip off your balls and shove em down your throat . " " Do you have any idea what I did to people like you at my high school ? " I asked , " Well it would be NOTHING compared to what I would do to you if you came within 5 feet of Henry ever again . Do you understand me ? " He nodded with fear . I released my grip on his shirt and walked away from him . I didn 't hear him move at all , but when I looked back he was opening the door to leave . Wow ! How great to see Aaron being so vulnerable in telling Luke about his mother . Trusting another person so deeply takes a lot of fortitude . Then , along with Luke , being so protective of another friend . A maturity is growing within him and it suits him well . I like that he and Luke are bonding so well . Awesome chapter , ITC . Great work , ITC ! I love how comfortable he 's becoming with Luke . I can really feel this story going somewhere great ! I also enjoyed how both of them stood up for Henry , especially Aaron who only had Luke 's word on the matter . Aw ! THAT is Fantastic ! ! This is a Good story , itc ! THANK YOU ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote Page 1 of 9

Hey guys , so as promised I 've started on a new story . I 've been tweaking it for a couple days now , and I think it 's finally ready for public eyes . I wanna give a quick thanks to everyone who read and supported Graduation . And those who didn 't , well you should go read it : Graduation The clock that hung from the wall ticked loudly through the silence as the pendulum swung from side to side . I had probably been sitting there for 3 minutes without saying a word . What could I say though ? There was nothing on my mind and she seemed stubborn enough to not be the first one to break the silence between us . " Well , it 's really nothing huge . It 's just a bunch of little things . Homework , tests , social ties … stuff like that , " I said . The woman gently uncrossed and re - crossed her legs as she took a sip of her coffee . She stared at me beneath rectangular , black - rimmed glasses as if to signal me to continue . I really didn 't know what to say . I wasn 't even here by my own choice . Stupid school requirements were forcing me to come here . Apparently , when one student kills themselves , every other student must be suicidal as well . " I don 't know . I try to remind myself that I 'm actually doing pretty well in life . I think about that girl Rachel , the one who shot herself , and I just think about how messed up things must have been for her , " I said . " Not really , no . I mean , I didn 't actually know her so her death doesn 't make me sad . But I feel compassion for the people that cared about her . I 've seen them around and they look pretty fucked up , " I said . " It 's fine . No one is going to get mad at you here . I can have a fucking dirty mouth too sometimes , " she said with a smile . I smiled back at her , but it was just a courtesy smile . I really didn 't think I belonged here . On the outside , I was just a normal college student trying his best to do well in life . On the inside , I didn 't really care about much . All over , I was just your typical everyday teenager who just wanted to fit in and be accepted . " She 's great . We 've been friends since Junior High . She brings out the best kind of person in me . When I 'm around her , I just feel so free it 's as if I could be anyone I wanted to be , " I said . " There 's Carly 's boyfriend , Mike . He 's an ok guy . I wouldn 't consider him one of my best friends , but it 's important to Carly that I like him , so I do , " I said . " Well Aaron , from what I 've gathered there is no need for you to be in therapy . You are perfectly normal in every visual way . I 'll write up a dismissal form for you to turn in at the administrator 's office on campus … unless you want to tell me something else ? " she asked . We sat down at one of the picnic tables that were scattered around the campus . Carly dug right into her food but I just sat there playing with mine with my fork . The fork got stuck and I ended up flicking an olive into the air . I eyed her expression up and down . I was trying to tell if she was pulling my leg or if she was honestly suggesting this . She noticed me studying her face and stared back at me with a raised eyebrow . " Quite possibly , but more importantly I 'm actually serious . You 're so bitter and sarcastic all the time . You never actually talk about what 's bothering you , " she said . After Carly took off to her Philosophy class , I decided to walk around campus . My thought train was on several different tracks as it always was . The first track stayed focused on what I would talk about with the counselor . Would she ask me questions again , or would I have to come up with stuff on my own ? What if I couldn 't think of anything to say ? Did it really matter ? I shook my head at the thought . It didn 't matter at all because it wasn 't necessary . It 's not like there 's anything wrong with me . What 's a psychiatrist going to tell me that I don 't already know ? Whatever , it was for Carly anyway . As long as she was content with me then I was happy . She has no need to worry about me , and this was the only way to prove it to her . My second track was thinking about Rachel . Not about her death , but who she really was . I tried to come up with a picture of what her life was like before she killed herself . The news report said her brother and three of her friends were there when she did it . They said she tried to kill one of them , but her brother stopped her . It made me think that her brother was really close to her and meant a lot to her . But why would she kill herself instead of get help ? Did she really not want to live anymore or did she feel so ashamed about what she did that her brother wouldn 't love her anymore ? It was a sad thought , but I figured anyone who is desperate enough to kill themselves if it meant the pain would stop then she was beyond help . It was a sad thought sure , but it didn 't make me sad . Her brother must have had it rough though . If I had a brother or a sister , then I would probably be able to imagine what he felt . But I didn 't , so I didn 't care very much . My third track was about all the new people moving into the dorms after what happened . There were so few people living in the dorms before that I was able to live alone , but now I was being assigned a roommate . Joy . Another person that I have to socialize with every day , just what I wanted . I finally jumped off my thought train and looked at my watch realizing that it was 1 : 30 already . I decided to head back to the dorm and wait for my new roommate . When I walked past the main Administrator 's Office , I turned the corner sharply and accidentally bumped into someone . I hit my head against theirs and fell down on my ass . He lowered his hand towards me to lift me up . I rubbed my head with my left hand as I took his extended arm with my right . He pulled me up and steadied me . As my vision refocused I was able to see his face . He had a pair of bright green eyes fixated on me while I regained my balance . I took a step forward and wobbled a little . He grabbed my shoulder and laughed a little . Once I got my balance back I laughed a little as well and shook my head . " You want me to walk with you and make sure you don 't pass out ? " he asked flashing me his bright smile . We walked across the campus together , every now and then I would stumble a little and he caught me before I tripped over myself . Each time I did it he let out a chuckle . I probably looked like a complete idiot . We were about halfway across the campus when he started talking to me randomly . I looked up at him and admired him a little . I wasn 't a very creative person , and I respected those that were . I couldn 't draw anything to save my life , but I like looking at the work of those that could . He looked at me as we stopped outside of the north dorm building . His bright hazel eyes glimmered in the light from the sun . I studied them as discretely as I could and noticed that there was a hint of gold around the edges . He smiled and revealed a set of bright white teeth that would make a dentist jealous . I didn 't know what he was smiling at , so I raised an eyebrow at him . As he walked away , I tried to study what made him tick , and what made those thoughts slip out of my mind . Even with Carly , I kept all of my sarcasm in my head so I didn 't offend her at all . There was something different about Luke that I couldn 't quite put my finger on . He was like a book full of analogies and metaphors that made my brain itch . He was confusing and yet , I felt like I understood him at the same time . The only thing I didn 't understand was that bizarre question and answer session while we were walking . Did he honestly care if I was ok even though he just met me ? That had to be it ; and that officially made him tomorrow 's problem . Today 's problem was probably already upstairs unpacking it 's shit , and I had to go meet it and make nice with it for the rest of the semester . He was probably some weak little brainiac that was so afraid of the world that he had to move in with the big boys . It 's just what I needed this semester ; to be some pathetic genius ' bodyguard . I flopped down on my bed and closed my eyes for a moment . My thoughts instantly drifted to Lucas … I mean Luke . What was his deal ? No one could be that nice to someone they just met . Fuck , now I was obsessing . I opened my eyes and rubbed the spot on my forehead where his head hit mine . Just then the door popped open and my new roommate stepped inside , followed closely by that awkward moment . I think I 'm going to like this story ! Off to a really great start . I think I have a feeling who Aaron 's new roommate is going to be BTW , I LOVED Graduation ! ! ! You have such compelling storylines and I have a feeling I won 't be disappointed with this one either . Can 't wait for more ! ! already I have noticed some parallels ! rachel killed herself in " Graduation " and also had a brother who was concerned - - same here . I 'm guessing lucas / luke is the love interest ? he has sparking green eyes ( and a killer smile ) , just like Cameron . Reply With Quote July 18th , 2009 , 10 : 56 PM Hmmm ! Haven 't read " Graduation " . . . yet ! . . . but , I 'm liking this one . . . a LOT ! PLEASE keep up the great work ! I 'm definitely looking forward to reading more of YOU ! Very interesting perspective ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote July 19th , 2009 , 01 : 16 AM How great to sign on today and see one of my favorite authors had started a new story . I like the approach this one has and as ASDF pointed out , there are the parallels with " Graduation . " Who would have thought that a tragic event such as Rachael killing herself would have such a wide effect on someone that didn 't even know her . I can tell this is going to be as brilliant a story as " Graduation " but with an entirely new cast of characters . Looking forward to a long read . already I have noticed some parallels ! rachel killed herself in " Graduation " and also had a brother who was concerned - - same here . I 'm guessing lucas / luke is the love interest ? he has sparking green eyes ( and a killer smile ) , just like Cameron . Oops looks like I overlooked something while I was editing . His eyes were supposed to be Hazel . I guess I just missed that one And I 'm glad you guys like it so far . I 'm gonna start chapter two today and hopefully be finished soon . Thanks for the support guys ! Great start ! I really enjoyed " Graduation " , I think I 'll like this story too . Looking forward to chapter 2 already ! Reply With Quote July 23rd , 2009 , 05 : 34 AM ITC this is a great beginning . Looking forward to more . I know that it will be just as fantastic as Graduation and I think you know by now that that story was the greatest . H & K " He 's ok . He 's kinda quiet though . After he unpacked he just sat at his desk playing games on his computer , " I said . Henry and I were sitting in the Student Hall on campus . The building was amazing . It had a big sitting / study area on the main floor , a library on the second floor , and a bunch of little shops , food places , and even a bowling alley in the underground area . I sat on my favorite couch in the room and Henry sat in the armchair sitting adjacent to me . I turned around and looked at the doors behind me . Jonathan was standing there looking awkwardly into the crowd for a place to sit down . I couldn 't help but feel sorry for him . He honestly looked like a guy who just needed a friend . He turned his head and saw me staring at him , so I gave a kind of half wave at him . He looked away instantly and walked towards the stairs . Jonathan stopped dead in his tracks . He looked over at us and saw Henry waving him over to our area . I could see his hesitation and smell his fear from where I was sitting . I nodded at him when he turned his dark brown eyes to me . After a moment of awkward pause , he shifted his feet and walked slowly over to us . I found myself hating him a little bit . Not because he was so awkward , but because he didn 't seem to even want a social life . It was as if he was battling with himself on the inside , and I couldn 't tell if he was winning or losing . He was very difficult to read and for that , I couldn 't help but hate him . No one has been able to hide themselves from me for very long , but this kid was actually giving me a challenge . As he sat down on the opposite end of the couch I was sitting on , there was an awkward moment of silence between us . I gave a quick stink eye at him when he sat on my couch , but hid it before he or Henry could see it . I turned my attention to my laptop which had the website , Fmylife open . Henry noticed my shift in focus and started talking to Jonathan . Tuning out their conversation , I retreated into my thoughts . I nodded at appropriate times and feigned interest like I always did . To be honest , the conversations about this Rachel girl were getting repetitive . Someone who had minimal interaction with her would find someone else who had even less interaction with her and express what a " shock " it was when it happened . I was a little surprised when my thoughts crossed over the pain in my forehead , and suddenly all I could think of was Lucas . He perplexed me . He seemed to genuinely care about my wellbeing , but yet he didn 't ask for my number or ask to walk me up to my room or whatever . I concluded on the thought that he really didn 't care , and that he was just making sure I didn 't want to sue him or anything . My thoughts were interrupted by Henry 's voice . * * * Walking into the club , I heard the sounds of my favorite band , Paramore . Carly immediately began dancing to the tune of Crushcrushcrush as we were walking down the stairs to the main floor of the club . She flung her dark brown hair around in sync with the beat of the song and she pulled Mike out to the dance floor . Henry and I sat at the bar and saw Jonathan walking down the stairs . He was closely followed by Lucas and his eyes magnetically stuck to mine from across the room . I saw a smile creep across his face . He and Jonathan made their way over to the bar , but our eyes never separated . His were full of amusement , while mine were filled with annoyance . I gave him a glare and he burst into laughter . Jonathan and Henry broke off and started chatting while Lucas and I had a couple drinks . Lucas and I just sat at the bar talking about the music they were playing . I sat there stunned for a moment . No way were he and I in the same place at the same time worshiping the same band . I must have been staring for a few minutes because he broke me out of my trance by waving his hand in my face . We sat there as the final line of a song neither of us was paying attention to finished . Eagerly awaiting the next song to play , I looked around and noticed that everyone else was gone . The DJ shut off the sound system and the bartender told us they were closing in a few minutes . We stared at each other with wide eyes and disbelief . He got off his stool and motioned towards the staircase . I wiped my hands on my jeans and walked past him up the stairs . The cool , crisp air outside felt refreshing after being inside for God knows how long . I stretched a bit as Lucas emerged out of the stairway and chuckled at me . He smiled at me and I smiled back . It was then that I realized that I was doing exactly what I didn 't want to do . Acting on instinct , my mind took over and I broke this moment between us . I tried desperately to think of a rational excuse to keep from walking back with him , but failed miserably . I just nodded and walked beside him , not saying a word the whole mile and a half to the dorm . He tried to talk to me , but I made it very clear that I was " too tired to think " so he gave up after the third avoided question . We walked up the stairs of the dorm building and stood outside my room for a moment . Lucas burst into laughter that carried across the courtyard . We walked into the other dorm building and up the stairs to the third floor where Lucas ' room was . This building was much younger and nicer than the one I was living in . We walked into the room and my jaw nearly fell off when I saw the interior . It was at least twice as big as my room , and he didn 't even have a roommate . I went into the bathroom to take a piss and change and I came out to see him already under his covers . I walked softly over to the bed and sat down on it . As usual , I went over the day 's events in my head as a way of cataloguing any significance in any moment . I stopped at the brief moment between Lucas and I outside the club and couldn 't decide if that was significant . Without thinking , I blurted out a question to Lucas . I turned over and lay down on the bed . I stared at the ceiling and kept thinking about that exchange of smiles . As much as I disliked the idea , I had found a new friend in Lucas Harper . That wasn 't what was bothering me though . The issue I was bumping up against was whether or not I would drive him away . He was so different from the people I was friends with . Carly and Henry were just as closed of as I was … I mean am . But Lucas has a warming quality that I was afraid of breaking . I turned over , facing away from Lucas , and started drifting off to sleep . I could hear him lightly snoring from his bed behind me , and for the first time in a while , I let out a genuine laugh . It wasn 't forced or fake . And that 's when I realized that I actually liked Lucas . I was friends with Henry because we were in the same social group and had similar taste in music . I was friends with Carly because we 've been together nearly since birth . And right now , I couldn 't really tell if I actually liked either of them . THANK YOU ! , itc ! Excellent ! Been waiting for this 2nd chapter , and , in the mean time , read " Graduation " ! Now I understand the " tie in " here . Fantastic ! ! I 'm truly enjoying your writing style ! And , especially appreciate your including Aaron 's " inner conversation " with himself . Definitely looking forward to more ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote August 10th , 2009 , 11 : 44 AM Happy to see an addition to the story . I am certain Aaron and Lucas are going to be very good friends . . . . . . . . . . . . hopefully more . Like Littletosay , I wonder if Henry and Jonathan are getting to know each other . . . lol Great chapter ITC ! I felt the vibrations of my phone beneath my pillow . It was just loud enough to wake me , but not enough to stir Lucas out of his sleep . I slowly and quietly changed clothes and left his room . The sun was barely coming up and all I could think of was how much I missed my mother . I clutched the locket that hid beneath my shirt as my breathing became heavy with grief . I looked away from the sunrise and just walked around for a little while . I felt bad for leaving Lucas like that , but it was pointless for me to let myself get close to someone else . I listened to the voice in my head telling me that I had enough . Any more than what I already have would just make things harder . I would have just left it at that , but then I heard a voice I hadn 't heard in a long time . There was a name I hadn 't thought of in years . He was a lot like Lucas , or at least what I 've witnessed from Lucas so far . We complemented each other like cheese and macaroni . Everyone thought we were twins because between the two of us , we knew everything . We were like two halves of an apple . At least , until his dad 's company relocated his family to a small town three states away . That was about two years before I met Henry . If it weren 't for Carly I wouldn 't have even had Henry . But life has been hard enough since then , I don 't need someone else who I am certain will cause me pain one day . The argument in my mind subsided as I once again listened to my negativity and decided that Lucas was too good for me to even try to be his friend . I passed through the doors of my dorm building and saw Henry laying on one of the couches in the lounge . He looked totally smashed from last night . I walked up to him and flicked his ear . When I got him up to his dorm room , I went back downstairs to mine to see if Jonathan was still there . I looked at my watch and it was now 7 : 30 a . m . I poked my head into the room and saw that no one was inside . It reeked of sex so I grabbed the air freshener and just blasted it around the room . I sat on my bed and dropped my head into my hands for a moment . I actually didn 't know Henry as well as I thought . He could have done it himself , but I didn 't want to believe it . I especially didn 't want to because it was our usually breakfast day . It was the only morning the three of us had off at the same time , so we went to the local IHOP and caught up with the week 's events . I shoved my sausages into my mouth and listened to Carly drone on about her and Mike . I honestly couldn 't care less , but as usual I feigned interest and kept any conflict to a minimum . At any second I expected my thoughts to drift away from Carly incessant yammering . And there it was . I forgot my wallet . I don 't even remember where I put it . I felt around all my pockets and nothing . Thankfully it was Carly 's day to pay so I didn 't have to worry as much . * * * I sat down in my chair near the door and planted my face in my arms . I absolutely hated this class . Well , more the professor than the class . He and I were total opposites and we viewed the world completely differently . We constantly argued about the " meaning " of everything since I just believe that the world is in constant chaos and things just happen . We never agreed on anything and being the asshole I am , I always had to argue my point until both of us gave up , or he kicked me out of the class . He walked away towards the back of the room . I saw him sit down in the back row and felt a rush of guilt overwhelm me . I got up and went to sit next to him . " I just assigned a report . You partner up with someone you don 't know or barely know and study them . Then you write a full report about why you think they are the way they are , " he said . I looked at Lucas and he looked back at me . A smile began to penetrate the stern look on his face that he was holding for so long , but he quickly stopped it . I held up my hand to ask a question and Robbins took a deep breath . I smiled when he turned away . I don 't know what made me feel better , freaking out the entire class , or having an academic reason to be friends with Lucas . I turned to Lucas with the smile still on my face and saw the shock on his . He stared at me in disbelief as I chuckled at everyone 's confusion . When class was dismissed , Lucas and I walked towards the parking lot together . There was silence between us that I wanted him to be the one to break . I wanted to think of something to say , but my mind was running on empty . " I 'm sorry , I really can 't . I promised Carly I 'd go see that counselor again . I have to go around 6 : 30 . " I said . I was . The first genuine smile on my face in two years , and Lucas was causing it . I had no idea what that actually meant . I just knew that I wanted to be around Lucas as much as I possibly could . We sat down at one of the tables outside . The light breeze swept through the little junction of stores . Lucas jumped face first into his sandwich while I slowly picked at my pasta . " Ok , " I said pulling the small locket out from under my shirt collar , " This locket belonged to my mother . She bought it one day when we went to Sea World . She always loved dolphins and when she saw this … she said it was the third time in her life that she was absolutely certain about something she wanted . " " I found it one day shortly before I left for school , and I put a picture of her in it . I wear it everyday to remind myself that what I 'm doing is important for me . No matter how far away I am , when I 'm wearing this locket I feel like I 'm right where I belong . " " Alright well , when I was a kid I always wanted to have a dog . My neighbor had a Doberman puppy and I was absolutely in love with it . But my dad was crazy allergic to dog hair , so we couldn 't have one , " he said . " Yeah … so anyway , when I was like 8 or 9 , my dad had a business trip up in Lake Tahoe , so my parents decided to just make it into a family vacation since it was during the summer . My mom and I were walking down a little junction of stores and I walked by this toy store . I looked in the window and saw this little Doberman Beanie Baby , " he said . " I know , I know , guys and Beanie Babies just don 't really mix , but I was just a kid . I begged my mom for like 20 minutes to buy it for me until she was finally convinced that it would keep me from begging for a real dog . As soon as I got it in my arms , I was never apart from it . I loved that dog so much , " he said . I looked at Lucas completely differently . The compassion and kindness that he had wasn 't something he did voluntarily . From his story , I could tell that it was just natural for him . I smiled back at him and nodded . At that moment , it was like everything slowed down . I looked into his bright hazel eyes and saw the vulnerability . I wasn 't looking at his vulnerability , but I could see myself in the reflection of his eyes . I was looking at mine . I had never told anyone about the locket I held with me everyday . I never reached that level of connection with anyone . And yet , here I sat with a near stranger , and I just spilled information about one of my greatest possessions without much provocation from him . It was like that deal between us established a trust that would take most people years to build . We instantly had a " You give , I give " connection . It felt amazing not only to trust someone so easily , but also to be trusted by that person with the same level of ease . I felt different , almost refreshed . I could feel the changes happening inside me . The warmth I locked away so many years ago was bubbling to the surface and pushing out the cold , logical , and emotionless version of me . That was an amazing chapter . I 'm really feeling for Luke and Aaron now . Hopefully they 'll get to be better friends . . . if Aaron 's head doesn 't do him in . What a great story - so well written ! I love the way you let us in to AAron 's inner voices . . . and I could feel the connection happening - blossoming ! I am an incurable romantic - I am loving this ! ! ! Hugs ! Reply With Quote August 15th , 2009 , 09 : 00 PM That was a wonderfully warm and touching chapter . Trust like that does not come easily . I have a feeling Aaron is going to be a little more reasonable with the counselor . He has something important to relay this time . Luke has that inner connection that anyone would be happy to share . Obviously he has some of the same concerns regarding friendships that Aaron has . I like the way things are going in this story . Eager to read the next chapter . Hey guys , so this chapter is a bit shorter but I wanted to get this part out of the way as soon as possible . I think I 've allowed you all get a better feel for Aaron in this chapter and I 'm going to bring in a few subtle hints and a few not so subtle hints with the next few chapters . Enjoy Wings of A Butterfly Veronica looked at me through her black rimmed glasses as I sat in the chair across from her . I subtly looked around the room to try and get a read on her in case I needed some ammo . She offered me a glass of tea , which I reluctantly accepted . Veronica examined me for a moment , as if to check for subtle hints that could actually lead her somewhere . She picked up her cup and sipped at her tea with her eyes closed . When she opened her eyes it was like a fire had been lit in her soul . She held more energy in them , as if she found something she could use . " I believe you agreed because you value your relationship with Carly , but you 're afraid of feeling vulnerable with another human being . So you fight them every step of the way , but you still end up doing things for them . You do it so you appear to care about them , but to also tell them that you wish you didn 't , " she said . " You think you know me after talking to me twice ? Well let me tell you something , you don 't know a thing about me . So you can sit up here in your little room with all your credentials hanging up on the wall and listen to other people complain about their problems . But me , I 'm going out there . I 'm going to do something that actually matters to the world . So you can take your assumptions about me and shove them up your ass because you have no idea why I am the way that I am . " I bolted out of my seat and stormed over towards the door . She was up and at the door faster than I could reach it . She held her hand against the door as I was trying to open it and storm out of the room . She looked calmly into my eyes and somehow forced the rage that was boiling under my skin to subside . She slowly walked back to her seat . As she sat down she motioned toward the chair for me to sit back down . I turned to face her and crossed my arms . " Before you can face whatever makes you afraid of connecting with other people , you need to tell at least one person what it is , " she said , " It doesn 't have to be me , it can be anyone . But until you tell someone , you 'll always be afraid of it . You 'll keep pushing people out of your life just as you 're about to get close to them . " Defeated , I walked back over to the chair across from her . I stared directly into her dark blue eyes . There was no anger or judgment in them . There was no hostility or restraint in mine either . I couldn 't see it , but I definitely felt it . " Aaron , there is no need for an apology . What you did was a classic outburst . In a way , it made it easier to see who you really are underneath this façade you portray , " she said . She looked up at me with confusion on her face . Her lips pursed and her brow wrinkled with intense thought . I noticed her right hand start flipping her pen around her fingers , something that my Psych professor said people do when they are working something over in their mind . She paused for a second . She put down her sandwich and kept her eyes low . She placed her arms on the table across her chest . Her eyes slowly looked up into mine and examined me for a moment . " Aaron , you haven 't been involved with any girl that I know of since I met you . You haven 't given any reason to believe that you 're straight . You 've never even stated whether you were straight or not . So yeah , I can believe that she may have thought so . " I grabbed my things and walked away . The wind was blowing gently , so I decided to follow it and see where it took me . I really didn 't care . It was Friday afternoon , and two days since I last saw Lucas . Me , being the idiot that I am , forgot to get his number . And both times I knocked on his door were not answered . I was walking by the Science and Health Studies building when a door opened and nearly hit me in the face . A crowd of students flew out the door and poured into the courtyard . Politely , I held the door open and waited for every last one of them to leave the room . The last person to leave was the last person I expected it to be . I rolled my eyes and pushed his shoulder . I didn 't even know where we were walking to , but we ended up at the east parking lot . I looked around for a moment in silence while standing next to Lucas waiting for the crosswalk to turn . He smiled and walked across the street with his golden hair being brushed by the light wind . As he walked away , I noticed he was slightly limping . I pushed it into the back of my mind for now and walked off towards the corner store with a small grin on my face . Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote August 17th , 2009 , 09 : 50 AM That was a very thought provoking chapter . It 's obvious Aaron can 't always stay on his sarcastic path . The counselor broke through and Luke has as well . He 's really not a bad ass after all . Now he has to come to terms with his sexuality and I hope Luke will begin that journey with him soon . Thanks for the update and looking for the next . Thanks for the speedy update . . . if only I could crank out quality work that quickly haha . I 'm VERY excited for the next chapter and to find out what this limp was all about . More more more ! ! ! Irish I knocked on his door three times , each knock slightly lower on the door than the other . I never noticed that I did it until now . Something about Lucas made me more aware of anything I did . Even my little weird things like my knock . The pizza in my left hand was starting to make my palm sweat , or at least that 's what I convinced myself was making it sweat . He opened the door and smiled at me . I opened the box and we each grabbed a slice . I sat back down in his chair and he flopped down on his bed and ate the slice in seconds . I laughed at him and he smiled awkwardly at me . A moment of silence passed between us as we ate . His eyes were glued to the ground and I could tell he was thinking of something that he wasn 't sure about saying . After I finished my slice , I took a deep breath . " Well it got me thinking , " he said , " And I thought about it all day . I 'm not trying to pry you for information or anything , but if you want we could make another deal . You tell me something , I 'll tell you something . " Lucas sat up and sat on the edge of his bed . He stared into my eyes and somehow , I felt a little better . The pain in my chest went away and I was able to hold the tears back a little better than before . " I came home from school one day and found her unconscious in the kitchen . I called 911 but it was too late . I found my mother dead that day . " " She worked so hard for me . She worked so hard to give me a good life … " I said , " But she never thought about what would happen to me if she was gone . " That did it . The tears pushed themselves out of my eyes and I fell forward into myself . Lucas stood up and kneeled down in front of me and caught me before I collapsed . He held me and I cried on his shoulder . " Aaron , that 's ok , " he said . He pulled me away from him and looked directly into my eyes . He placed both hands firmly , but gently , on my shoulders . " She obviously didn 't want you to know until it happened , " he said , " She was probably so scared about leaving you . She probably didn 't want you to have to live every single day in fear , and then have grief on top of that feeling after she died . It 's not wrong for you to be angry , but she probably didn 't tell you because of what knowing that she was going to die would do to you . " He looked firmly into my eyes . I could see his fixation , and from that I could tell that he did genuinely care about me . In my mind , I saw myself drowning . I couldn 't keep myself afloat , even though I had people around me trying to pull me out of the water . I was just about to give up and let myself fall beneath the surface , when I felt a hand grab my arm and lift me up . I looked into the eyes of my rescuer . The bright hazel colored eyes that penetrated my soul and brought down every barrier I had built . I looked back into his eyes and felt the pain be washed away . The tears stopped and I regained my composition . I took several deep breaths and calmed myself down . I sat up straight , never looking away from Lucas ' eyes . They made me feel safe . I nodded at him , but remained silent . I didn 't know what to do now . This was the most vulnerable I 've ever felt in my life . For the first time since my mom 's funeral , I cried in front of another person . I knew he felt the tension boiling inside me , so he wrapped his arms around me again to comfort me . I got up and put the movie in and pressed play . I sat back into the chair and he moved back onto his bed . I noticed he kept looking at me as if I were about to shatter into a million pieces . He walked over to his bookshelf , and I noticed his slight limp again . He turned around smiling with the case of October Sky in his hands . I must have had a worried look on my face or something because his smile disappeared and his eyes glazed over a bit . " It 's ok , " he said , " I talked to Jonathan this morning and he told me everything . He seemed so proud of it , so I yelled at him . Then he said , ' It 's not like I raped him or anything , ' and the next thing I knew , my fist flew into his face . I knocked him on the ground and he kicked me in the hip when I leaned in to help him up . " I smiled at him and he smiled back . At that moment , I felt like we were floating in a space of nothingness . There was nothing to worry about except whether or not we were flying or falling . That 's how it was with Lucas . I could be flying or falling , and it would make no difference to me . It was a challenge to be open with him , but at the same time I felt completely safe . We watched the movie in near silence . Apparently we both loved this movie so much that we could nearly recite the script . I swear at one point I saw him mouthing some of the words . But he just blushed and looked away from me . Lucas made me feel different than my other friends did . I didn 't have to worry about what I said or how I said it . I didn 't have to worry about whether or not I stepped on his toes . I didn 't have to worry about anything really . All I had to do was be myself and let him see my vulnerable side every once in a while . * * * It was nearly 11 at night when I got back to my dorm room . Jonathan was sitting at his desk . I could see very clearly where Lucas clocked him . I couldn 't help but smirk a little about it . " Look you little shit , " I said , " I really don 't care if you do drugs . You can OD on the shit for all I care . But if you EVER slip any of my friends any drugs again without them knowing about it , I swear to God I will rip off your balls and shove em down your throat . " " Do you have any idea what I did to people like you at my high school ? " I asked , " Well it would be NOTHING compared to what I would do to you if you came within 5 feet of Henry ever again . Do you understand me ? " He nodded with fear . I released my grip on his shirt and walked away from him . I didn 't hear him move at all , but when I looked back he was opening the door to leave . Wow ! How great to see Aaron being so vulnerable in telling Luke about his mother . Trusting another person so deeply takes a lot of fortitude . Then , along with Luke , being so protective of another friend . A maturity is growing within him and it suits him well . I like that he and Luke are bonding so well . Awesome chapter , ITC . Great work , ITC ! I love how comfortable he 's becoming with Luke . I can really feel this story going somewhere great ! I also enjoyed how both of them stood up for Henry , especially Aaron who only had Luke 's word on the matter . Aw ! THAT is Fantastic ! ! This is a Good story , itc ! THANK YOU ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote Page 1 of 9

Hey guys , so as promised I 've started on a new story . I 've been tweaking it for a couple days now , and I think it 's finally ready for public eyes . I wanna give a quick thanks to everyone who read and supported Graduation . And those who didn 't , well you should go read it : Graduation The clock that hung from the wall ticked loudly through the silence as the pendulum swung from side to side . I had probably been sitting there for 3 minutes without saying a word . What could I say though ? There was nothing on my mind and she seemed stubborn enough to not be the first one to break the silence between us . " Well , it 's really nothing huge . It 's just a bunch of little things . Homework , tests , social ties … stuff like that , " I said . The woman gently uncrossed and re - crossed her legs as she took a sip of her coffee . She stared at me beneath rectangular , black - rimmed glasses as if to signal me to continue . I really didn 't know what to say . I wasn 't even here by my own choice . Stupid school requirements were forcing me to come here . Apparently , when one student kills themselves , every other student must be suicidal as well . " I don 't know . I try to remind myself that I 'm actually doing pretty well in life . I think about that girl Rachel , the one who shot herself , and I just think about how messed up things must have been for her , " I said . " Not really , no . I mean , I didn 't actually know her so her death doesn 't make me sad . But I feel compassion for the people that cared about her . I 've seen them around and they look pretty fucked up , " I said . " It 's fine . No one is going to get mad at you here . I can have a fucking dirty mouth too sometimes , " she said with a smile . I smiled back at her , but it was just a courtesy smile . I really didn 't think I belonged here . On the outside , I was just a normal college student trying his best to do well in life . On the inside , I didn 't really care about much . All over , I was just your typical everyday teenager who just wanted to fit in and be accepted . " She 's great . We 've been friends since Junior High . She brings out the best kind of person in me . When I 'm around her , I just feel so free it 's as if I could be anyone I wanted to be , " I said . " There 's Carly 's boyfriend , Mike . He 's an ok guy . I wouldn 't consider him one of my best friends , but it 's important to Carly that I like him , so I do , " I said . " Well Aaron , from what I 've gathered there is no need for you to be in therapy . You are perfectly normal in every visual way . I 'll write up a dismissal form for you to turn in at the administrator 's office on campus … unless you want to tell me something else ? " she asked . We sat down at one of the picnic tables that were scattered around the campus . Carly dug right into her food but I just sat there playing with mine with my fork . The fork got stuck and I ended up flicking an olive into the air . I eyed her expression up and down . I was trying to tell if she was pulling my leg or if she was honestly suggesting this . She noticed me studying her face and stared back at me with a raised eyebrow . " Quite possibly , but more importantly I 'm actually serious . You 're so bitter and sarcastic all the time . You never actually talk about what 's bothering you , " she said . After Carly took off to her Philosophy class , I decided to walk around campus . My thought train was on several different tracks as it always was . The first track stayed focused on what I would talk about with the counselor . Would she ask me questions again , or would I have to come up with stuff on my own ? What if I couldn 't think of anything to say ? Did it really matter ? I shook my head at the thought . It didn 't matter at all because it wasn 't necessary . It 's not like there 's anything wrong with me . What 's a psychiatrist going to tell me that I don 't already know ? Whatever , it was for Carly anyway . As long as she was content with me then I was happy . She has no need to worry about me , and this was the only way to prove it to her . My second track was thinking about Rachel . Not about her death , but who she really was . I tried to come up with a picture of what her life was like before she killed herself . The news report said her brother and three of her friends were there when she did it . They said she tried to kill one of them , but her brother stopped her . It made me think that her brother was really close to her and meant a lot to her . But why would she kill herself instead of get help ? Did she really not want to live anymore or did she feel so ashamed about what she did that her brother wouldn 't love her anymore ? It was a sad thought , but I figured anyone who is desperate enough to kill themselves if it meant the pain would stop then she was beyond help . It was a sad thought sure , but it didn 't make me sad . Her brother must have had it rough though . If I had a brother or a sister , then I would probably be able to imagine what he felt . But I didn 't , so I didn 't care very much . My third track was about all the new people moving into the dorms after what happened . There were so few people living in the dorms before that I was able to live alone , but now I was being assigned a roommate . Joy . Another person that I have to socialize with every day , just what I wanted . I finally jumped off my thought train and looked at my watch realizing that it was 1 : 30 already . I decided to head back to the dorm and wait for my new roommate . When I walked past the main Administrator 's Office , I turned the corner sharply and accidentally bumped into someone . I hit my head against theirs and fell down on my ass . He lowered his hand towards me to lift me up . I rubbed my head with my left hand as I took his extended arm with my right . He pulled me up and steadied me . As my vision refocused I was able to see his face . He had a pair of bright green eyes fixated on me while I regained my balance . I took a step forward and wobbled a little . He grabbed my shoulder and laughed a little . Once I got my balance back I laughed a little as well and shook my head . " You want me to walk with you and make sure you don 't pass out ? " he asked flashing me his bright smile . We walked across the campus together , every now and then I would stumble a little and he caught me before I tripped over myself . Each time I did it he let out a chuckle . I probably looked like a complete idiot . We were about halfway across the campus when he started talking to me randomly . I looked up at him and admired him a little . I wasn 't a very creative person , and I respected those that were . I couldn 't draw anything to save my life , but I like looking at the work of those that could . He looked at me as we stopped outside of the north dorm building . His bright hazel eyes glimmered in the light from the sun . I studied them as discretely as I could and noticed that there was a hint of gold around the edges . He smiled and revealed a set of bright white teeth that would make a dentist jealous . I didn 't know what he was smiling at , so I raised an eyebrow at him . As he walked away , I tried to study what made him tick , and what made those thoughts slip out of my mind . Even with Carly , I kept all of my sarcasm in my head so I didn 't offend her at all . There was something different about Luke that I couldn 't quite put my finger on . He was like a book full of analogies and metaphors that made my brain itch . He was confusing and yet , I felt like I understood him at the same time . The only thing I didn 't understand was that bizarre question and answer session while we were walking . Did he honestly care if I was ok even though he just met me ? That had to be it ; and that officially made him tomorrow 's problem . Today 's problem was probably already upstairs unpacking it 's shit , and I had to go meet it and make nice with it for the rest of the semester . He was probably some weak little brainiac that was so afraid of the world that he had to move in with the big boys . It 's just what I needed this semester ; to be some pathetic genius ' bodyguard . I flopped down on my bed and closed my eyes for a moment . My thoughts instantly drifted to Lucas … I mean Luke . What was his deal ? No one could be that nice to someone they just met . Fuck , now I was obsessing . I opened my eyes and rubbed the spot on my forehead where his head hit mine . Just then the door popped open and my new roommate stepped inside , followed closely by that awkward moment . I think I 'm going to like this story ! Off to a really great start . I think I have a feeling who Aaron 's new roommate is going to be BTW , I LOVED Graduation ! ! ! You have such compelling storylines and I have a feeling I won 't be disappointed with this one either . Can 't wait for more ! ! already I have noticed some parallels ! rachel killed herself in " Graduation " and also had a brother who was concerned - - same here . I 'm guessing lucas / luke is the love interest ? he has sparking green eyes ( and a killer smile ) , just like Cameron . Reply With Quote July 18th , 2009 , 10 : 56 PM Hmmm ! Haven 't read " Graduation " . . . yet ! . . . but , I 'm liking this one . . . a LOT ! PLEASE keep up the great work ! I 'm definitely looking forward to reading more of YOU ! Very interesting perspective ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote July 19th , 2009 , 01 : 16 AM How great to sign on today and see one of my favorite authors had started a new story . I like the approach this one has and as ASDF pointed out , there are the parallels with " Graduation . " Who would have thought that a tragic event such as Rachael killing herself would have such a wide effect on someone that didn 't even know her . I can tell this is going to be as brilliant a story as " Graduation " but with an entirely new cast of characters . Looking forward to a long read . already I have noticed some parallels ! rachel killed herself in " Graduation " and also had a brother who was concerned - - same here . I 'm guessing lucas / luke is the love interest ? he has sparking green eyes ( and a killer smile ) , just like Cameron . Oops looks like I overlooked something while I was editing . His eyes were supposed to be Hazel . I guess I just missed that one And I 'm glad you guys like it so far . I 'm gonna start chapter two today and hopefully be finished soon . Thanks for the support guys ! Great start ! I really enjoyed " Graduation " , I think I 'll like this story too . Looking forward to chapter 2 already ! Reply With Quote July 23rd , 2009 , 05 : 34 AM ITC this is a great beginning . Looking forward to more . I know that it will be just as fantastic as Graduation and I think you know by now that that story was the greatest . H & K " He 's ok . He 's kinda quiet though . After he unpacked he just sat at his desk playing games on his computer , " I said . Henry and I were sitting in the Student Hall on campus . The building was amazing . It had a big sitting / study area on the main floor , a library on the second floor , and a bunch of little shops , food places , and even a bowling alley in the underground area . I sat on my favorite couch in the room and Henry sat in the armchair sitting adjacent to me . I turned around and looked at the doors behind me . Jonathan was standing there looking awkwardly into the crowd for a place to sit down . I couldn 't help but feel sorry for him . He honestly looked like a guy who just needed a friend . He turned his head and saw me staring at him , so I gave a kind of half wave at him . He looked away instantly and walked towards the stairs . Jonathan stopped dead in his tracks . He looked over at us and saw Henry waving him over to our area . I could see his hesitation and smell his fear from where I was sitting . I nodded at him when he turned his dark brown eyes to me . After a moment of awkward pause , he shifted his feet and walked slowly over to us . I found myself hating him a little bit . Not because he was so awkward , but because he didn 't seem to even want a social life . It was as if he was battling with himself on the inside , and I couldn 't tell if he was winning or losing . He was very difficult to read and for that , I couldn 't help but hate him . No one has been able to hide themselves from me for very long , but this kid was actually giving me a challenge . As he sat down on the opposite end of the couch I was sitting on , there was an awkward moment of silence between us . I gave a quick stink eye at him when he sat on my couch , but hid it before he or Henry could see it . I turned my attention to my laptop which had the website , Fmylife open . Henry noticed my shift in focus and started talking to Jonathan . Tuning out their conversation , I retreated into my thoughts . I nodded at appropriate times and feigned interest like I always did . To be honest , the conversations about this Rachel girl were getting repetitive . Someone who had minimal interaction with her would find someone else who had even less interaction with her and express what a " shock " it was when it happened . I was a little surprised when my thoughts crossed over the pain in my forehead , and suddenly all I could think of was Lucas . He perplexed me . He seemed to genuinely care about my wellbeing , but yet he didn 't ask for my number or ask to walk me up to my room or whatever . I concluded on the thought that he really didn 't care , and that he was just making sure I didn 't want to sue him or anything . My thoughts were interrupted by Henry 's voice . * * * Walking into the club , I heard the sounds of my favorite band , Paramore . Carly immediately began dancing to the tune of Crushcrushcrush as we were walking down the stairs to the main floor of the club . She flung her dark brown hair around in sync with the beat of the song and she pulled Mike out to the dance floor . Henry and I sat at the bar and saw Jonathan walking down the stairs . He was closely followed by Lucas and his eyes magnetically stuck to mine from across the room . I saw a smile creep across his face . He and Jonathan made their way over to the bar , but our eyes never separated . His were full of amusement , while mine were filled with annoyance . I gave him a glare and he burst into laughter . Jonathan and Henry broke off and started chatting while Lucas and I had a couple drinks . Lucas and I just sat at the bar talking about the music they were playing . I sat there stunned for a moment . No way were he and I in the same place at the same time worshiping the same band . I must have been staring for a few minutes because he broke me out of my trance by waving his hand in my face . We sat there as the final line of a song neither of us was paying attention to finished . Eagerly awaiting the next song to play , I looked around and noticed that everyone else was gone . The DJ shut off the sound system and the bartender told us they were closing in a few minutes . We stared at each other with wide eyes and disbelief . He got off his stool and motioned towards the staircase . I wiped my hands on my jeans and walked past him up the stairs . The cool , crisp air outside felt refreshing after being inside for God knows how long . I stretched a bit as Lucas emerged out of the stairway and chuckled at me . He smiled at me and I smiled back . It was then that I realized that I was doing exactly what I didn 't want to do . Acting on instinct , my mind took over and I broke this moment between us . I tried desperately to think of a rational excuse to keep from walking back with him , but failed miserably . I just nodded and walked beside him , not saying a word the whole mile and a half to the dorm . He tried to talk to me , but I made it very clear that I was " too tired to think " so he gave up after the third avoided question . We walked up the stairs of the dorm building and stood outside my room for a moment . Lucas burst into laughter that carried across the courtyard . We walked into the other dorm building and up the stairs to the third floor where Lucas ' room was . This building was much younger and nicer than the one I was living in . We walked into the room and my jaw nearly fell off when I saw the interior . It was at least twice as big as my room , and he didn 't even have a roommate . I went into the bathroom to take a piss and change and I came out to see him already under his covers . I walked softly over to the bed and sat down on it . As usual , I went over the day 's events in my head as a way of cataloguing any significance in any moment . I stopped at the brief moment between Lucas and I outside the club and couldn 't decide if that was significant . Without thinking , I blurted out a question to Lucas . I turned over and lay down on the bed . I stared at the ceiling and kept thinking about that exchange of smiles . As much as I disliked the idea , I had found a new friend in Lucas Harper . That wasn 't what was bothering me though . The issue I was bumping up against was whether or not I would drive him away . He was so different from the people I was friends with . Carly and Henry were just as closed of as I was … I mean am . But Lucas has a warming quality that I was afraid of breaking . I turned over , facing away from Lucas , and started drifting off to sleep . I could hear him lightly snoring from his bed behind me , and for the first time in a while , I let out a genuine laugh . It wasn 't forced or fake . And that 's when I realized that I actually liked Lucas . I was friends with Henry because we were in the same social group and had similar taste in music . I was friends with Carly because we 've been together nearly since birth . And right now , I couldn 't really tell if I actually liked either of them . THANK YOU ! , itc ! Excellent ! Been waiting for this 2nd chapter , and , in the mean time , read " Graduation " ! Now I understand the " tie in " here . Fantastic ! ! I 'm truly enjoying your writing style ! And , especially appreciate your including Aaron 's " inner conversation " with himself . Definitely looking forward to more ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote August 10th , 2009 , 11 : 44 AM Happy to see an addition to the story . I am certain Aaron and Lucas are going to be very good friends . . . . . . . . . . . . hopefully more . Like Littletosay , I wonder if Henry and Jonathan are getting to know each other . . . lol Great chapter ITC ! I felt the vibrations of my phone beneath my pillow . It was just loud enough to wake me , but not enough to stir Lucas out of his sleep . I slowly and quietly changed clothes and left his room . The sun was barely coming up and all I could think of was how much I missed my mother . I clutched the locket that hid beneath my shirt as my breathing became heavy with grief . I looked away from the sunrise and just walked around for a little while . I felt bad for leaving Lucas like that , but it was pointless for me to let myself get close to someone else . I listened to the voice in my head telling me that I had enough . Any more than what I already have would just make things harder . I would have just left it at that , but then I heard a voice I hadn 't heard in a long time . There was a name I hadn 't thought of in years . He was a lot like Lucas , or at least what I 've witnessed from Lucas so far . We complemented each other like cheese and macaroni . Everyone thought we were twins because between the two of us , we knew everything . We were like two halves of an apple . At least , until his dad 's company relocated his family to a small town three states away . That was about two years before I met Henry . If it weren 't for Carly I wouldn 't have even had Henry . But life has been hard enough since then , I don 't need someone else who I am certain will cause me pain one day . The argument in my mind subsided as I once again listened to my negativity and decided that Lucas was too good for me to even try to be his friend . I passed through the doors of my dorm building and saw Henry laying on one of the couches in the lounge . He looked totally smashed from last night . I walked up to him and flicked his ear . When I got him up to his dorm room , I went back downstairs to mine to see if Jonathan was still there . I looked at my watch and it was now 7 : 30 a . m . I poked my head into the room and saw that no one was inside . It reeked of sex so I grabbed the air freshener and just blasted it around the room . I sat on my bed and dropped my head into my hands for a moment . I actually didn 't know Henry as well as I thought . He could have done it himself , but I didn 't want to believe it . I especially didn 't want to because it was our usually breakfast day . It was the only morning the three of us had off at the same time , so we went to the local IHOP and caught up with the week 's events . I shoved my sausages into my mouth and listened to Carly drone on about her and Mike . I honestly couldn 't care less , but as usual I feigned interest and kept any conflict to a minimum . At any second I expected my thoughts to drift away from Carly incessant yammering . And there it was . I forgot my wallet . I don 't even remember where I put it . I felt around all my pockets and nothing . Thankfully it was Carly 's day to pay so I didn 't have to worry as much . * * * I sat down in my chair near the door and planted my face in my arms . I absolutely hated this class . Well , more the professor than the class . He and I were total opposites and we viewed the world completely differently . We constantly argued about the " meaning " of everything since I just believe that the world is in constant chaos and things just happen . We never agreed on anything and being the asshole I am , I always had to argue my point until both of us gave up , or he kicked me out of the class . He walked away towards the back of the room . I saw him sit down in the back row and felt a rush of guilt overwhelm me . I got up and went to sit next to him . " I just assigned a report . You partner up with someone you don 't know or barely know and study them . Then you write a full report about why you think they are the way they are , " he said . I looked at Lucas and he looked back at me . A smile began to penetrate the stern look on his face that he was holding for so long , but he quickly stopped it . I held up my hand to ask a question and Robbins took a deep breath . I smiled when he turned away . I don 't know what made me feel better , freaking out the entire class , or having an academic reason to be friends with Lucas . I turned to Lucas with the smile still on my face and saw the shock on his . He stared at me in disbelief as I chuckled at everyone 's confusion . When class was dismissed , Lucas and I walked towards the parking lot together . There was silence between us that I wanted him to be the one to break . I wanted to think of something to say , but my mind was running on empty . " I 'm sorry , I really can 't . I promised Carly I 'd go see that counselor again . I have to go around 6 : 30 . " I said . I was . The first genuine smile on my face in two years , and Lucas was causing it . I had no idea what that actually meant . I just knew that I wanted to be around Lucas as much as I possibly could . We sat down at one of the tables outside . The light breeze swept through the little junction of stores . Lucas jumped face first into his sandwich while I slowly picked at my pasta . " Ok , " I said pulling the small locket out from under my shirt collar , " This locket belonged to my mother . She bought it one day when we went to Sea World . She always loved dolphins and when she saw this … she said it was the third time in her life that she was absolutely certain about something she wanted . " " I found it one day shortly before I left for school , and I put a picture of her in it . I wear it everyday to remind myself that what I 'm doing is important for me . No matter how far away I am , when I 'm wearing this locket I feel like I 'm right where I belong . " " Alright well , when I was a kid I always wanted to have a dog . My neighbor had a Doberman puppy and I was absolutely in love with it . But my dad was crazy allergic to dog hair , so we couldn 't have one , " he said . " Yeah … so anyway , when I was like 8 or 9 , my dad had a business trip up in Lake Tahoe , so my parents decided to just make it into a family vacation since it was during the summer . My mom and I were walking down a little junction of stores and I walked by this toy store . I looked in the window and saw this little Doberman Beanie Baby , " he said . " I know , I know , guys and Beanie Babies just don 't really mix , but I was just a kid . I begged my mom for like 20 minutes to buy it for me until she was finally convinced that it would keep me from begging for a real dog . As soon as I got it in my arms , I was never apart from it . I loved that dog so much , " he said . I looked at Lucas completely differently . The compassion and kindness that he had wasn 't something he did voluntarily . From his story , I could tell that it was just natural for him . I smiled back at him and nodded . At that moment , it was like everything slowed down . I looked into his bright hazel eyes and saw the vulnerability . I wasn 't looking at his vulnerability , but I could see myself in the reflection of his eyes . I was looking at mine . I had never told anyone about the locket I held with me everyday . I never reached that level of connection with anyone . And yet , here I sat with a near stranger , and I just spilled information about one of my greatest possessions without much provocation from him . It was like that deal between us established a trust that would take most people years to build . We instantly had a " You give , I give " connection . It felt amazing not only to trust someone so easily , but also to be trusted by that person with the same level of ease . I felt different , almost refreshed . I could feel the changes happening inside me . The warmth I locked away so many years ago was bubbling to the surface and pushing out the cold , logical , and emotionless version of me . That was an amazing chapter . I 'm really feeling for Luke and Aaron now . Hopefully they 'll get to be better friends . . . if Aaron 's head doesn 't do him in . What a great story - so well written ! I love the way you let us in to AAron 's inner voices . . . and I could feel the connection happening - blossoming ! I am an incurable romantic - I am loving this ! ! ! Hugs ! Reply With Quote August 15th , 2009 , 09 : 00 PM That was a wonderfully warm and touching chapter . Trust like that does not come easily . I have a feeling Aaron is going to be a little more reasonable with the counselor . He has something important to relay this time . Luke has that inner connection that anyone would be happy to share . Obviously he has some of the same concerns regarding friendships that Aaron has . I like the way things are going in this story . Eager to read the next chapter . Hey guys , so this chapter is a bit shorter but I wanted to get this part out of the way as soon as possible . I think I 've allowed you all get a better feel for Aaron in this chapter and I 'm going to bring in a few subtle hints and a few not so subtle hints with the next few chapters . Enjoy Wings of A Butterfly Veronica looked at me through her black rimmed glasses as I sat in the chair across from her . I subtly looked around the room to try and get a read on her in case I needed some ammo . She offered me a glass of tea , which I reluctantly accepted . Veronica examined me for a moment , as if to check for subtle hints that could actually lead her somewhere . She picked up her cup and sipped at her tea with her eyes closed . When she opened her eyes it was like a fire had been lit in her soul . She held more energy in them , as if she found something she could use . " I believe you agreed because you value your relationship with Carly , but you 're afraid of feeling vulnerable with another human being . So you fight them every step of the way , but you still end up doing things for them . You do it so you appear to care about them , but to also tell them that you wish you didn 't , " she said . " You think you know me after talking to me twice ? Well let me tell you something , you don 't know a thing about me . So you can sit up here in your little room with all your credentials hanging up on the wall and listen to other people complain about their problems . But me , I 'm going out there . I 'm going to do something that actually matters to the world . So you can take your assumptions about me and shove them up your ass because you have no idea why I am the way that I am . " I bolted out of my seat and stormed over towards the door . She was up and at the door faster than I could reach it . She held her hand against the door as I was trying to open it and storm out of the room . She looked calmly into my eyes and somehow forced the rage that was boiling under my skin to subside . She slowly walked back to her seat . As she sat down she motioned toward the chair for me to sit back down . I turned to face her and crossed my arms . " Before you can face whatever makes you afraid of connecting with other people , you need to tell at least one person what it is , " she said , " It doesn 't have to be me , it can be anyone . But until you tell someone , you 'll always be afraid of it . You 'll keep pushing people out of your life just as you 're about to get close to them . " Defeated , I walked back over to the chair across from her . I stared directly into her dark blue eyes . There was no anger or judgment in them . There was no hostility or restraint in mine either . I couldn 't see it , but I definitely felt it . " Aaron , there is no need for an apology . What you did was a classic outburst . In a way , it made it easier to see who you really are underneath this façade you portray , " she said . She looked up at me with confusion on her face . Her lips pursed and her brow wrinkled with intense thought . I noticed her right hand start flipping her pen around her fingers , something that my Psych professor said people do when they are working something over in their mind . She paused for a second . She put down her sandwich and kept her eyes low . She placed her arms on the table across her chest . Her eyes slowly looked up into mine and examined me for a moment . " Aaron , you haven 't been involved with any girl that I know of since I met you . You haven 't given any reason to believe that you 're straight . You 've never even stated whether you were straight or not . So yeah , I can believe that she may have thought so . " I grabbed my things and walked away . The wind was blowing gently , so I decided to follow it and see where it took me . I really didn 't care . It was Friday afternoon , and two days since I last saw Lucas . Me , being the idiot that I am , forgot to get his number . And both times I knocked on his door were not answered . I was walking by the Science and Health Studies building when a door opened and nearly hit me in the face . A crowd of students flew out the door and poured into the courtyard . Politely , I held the door open and waited for every last one of them to leave the room . The last person to leave was the last person I expected it to be . I rolled my eyes and pushed his shoulder . I didn 't even know where we were walking to , but we ended up at the east parking lot . I looked around for a moment in silence while standing next to Lucas waiting for the crosswalk to turn . He smiled and walked across the street with his golden hair being brushed by the light wind . As he walked away , I noticed he was slightly limping . I pushed it into the back of my mind for now and walked off towards the corner store with a small grin on my face . Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote August 17th , 2009 , 09 : 50 AM That was a very thought provoking chapter . It 's obvious Aaron can 't always stay on his sarcastic path . The counselor broke through and Luke has as well . He 's really not a bad ass after all . Now he has to come to terms with his sexuality and I hope Luke will begin that journey with him soon . Thanks for the update and looking for the next . Thanks for the speedy update . . . if only I could crank out quality work that quickly haha . I 'm VERY excited for the next chapter and to find out what this limp was all about . More more more ! ! ! Irish I knocked on his door three times , each knock slightly lower on the door than the other . I never noticed that I did it until now . Something about Lucas made me more aware of anything I did . Even my little weird things like my knock . The pizza in my left hand was starting to make my palm sweat , or at least that 's what I convinced myself was making it sweat . He opened the door and smiled at me . I opened the box and we each grabbed a slice . I sat back down in his chair and he flopped down on his bed and ate the slice in seconds . I laughed at him and he smiled awkwardly at me . A moment of silence passed between us as we ate . His eyes were glued to the ground and I could tell he was thinking of something that he wasn 't sure about saying . After I finished my slice , I took a deep breath . " Well it got me thinking , " he said , " And I thought about it all day . I 'm not trying to pry you for information or anything , but if you want we could make another deal . You tell me something , I 'll tell you something . " Lucas sat up and sat on the edge of his bed . He stared into my eyes and somehow , I felt a little better . The pain in my chest went away and I was able to hold the tears back a little better than before . " I came home from school one day and found her unconscious in the kitchen . I called 911 but it was too late . I found my mother dead that day . " " She worked so hard for me . She worked so hard to give me a good life … " I said , " But she never thought about what would happen to me if she was gone . " That did it . The tears pushed themselves out of my eyes and I fell forward into myself . Lucas stood up and kneeled down in front of me and caught me before I collapsed . He held me and I cried on his shoulder . " Aaron , that 's ok , " he said . He pulled me away from him and looked directly into my eyes . He placed both hands firmly , but gently , on my shoulders . " She obviously didn 't want you to know until it happened , " he said , " She was probably so scared about leaving you . She probably didn 't want you to have to live every single day in fear , and then have grief on top of that feeling after she died . It 's not wrong for you to be angry , but she probably didn 't tell you because of what knowing that she was going to die would do to you . " He looked firmly into my eyes . I could see his fixation , and from that I could tell that he did genuinely care about me . In my mind , I saw myself drowning . I couldn 't keep myself afloat , even though I had people around me trying to pull me out of the water . I was just about to give up and let myself fall beneath the surface , when I felt a hand grab my arm and lift me up . I looked into the eyes of my rescuer . The bright hazel colored eyes that penetrated my soul and brought down every barrier I had built . I looked back into his eyes and felt the pain be washed away . The tears stopped and I regained my composition . I took several deep breaths and calmed myself down . I sat up straight , never looking away from Lucas ' eyes . They made me feel safe . I nodded at him , but remained silent . I didn 't know what to do now . This was the most vulnerable I 've ever felt in my life . For the first time since my mom 's funeral , I cried in front of another person . I knew he felt the tension boiling inside me , so he wrapped his arms around me again to comfort me . I got up and put the movie in and pressed play . I sat back into the chair and he moved back onto his bed . I noticed he kept looking at me as if I were about to shatter into a million pieces . He walked over to his bookshelf , and I noticed his slight limp again . He turned around smiling with the case of October Sky in his hands . I must have had a worried look on my face or something because his smile disappeared and his eyes glazed over a bit . " It 's ok , " he said , " I talked to Jonathan this morning and he told me everything . He seemed so proud of it , so I yelled at him . Then he said , ' It 's not like I raped him or anything , ' and the next thing I knew , my fist flew into his face . I knocked him on the ground and he kicked me in the hip when I leaned in to help him up . " I smiled at him and he smiled back . At that moment , I felt like we were floating in a space of nothingness . There was nothing to worry about except whether or not we were flying or falling . That 's how it was with Lucas . I could be flying or falling , and it would make no difference to me . It was a challenge to be open with him , but at the same time I felt completely safe . We watched the movie in near silence . Apparently we both loved this movie so much that we could nearly recite the script . I swear at one point I saw him mouthing some of the words . But he just blushed and looked away from me . Lucas made me feel different than my other friends did . I didn 't have to worry about what I said or how I said it . I didn 't have to worry about whether or not I stepped on his toes . I didn 't have to worry about anything really . All I had to do was be myself and let him see my vulnerable side every once in a while . * * * It was nearly 11 at night when I got back to my dorm room . Jonathan was sitting at his desk . I could see very clearly where Lucas clocked him . I couldn 't help but smirk a little about it . " Look you little shit , " I said , " I really don 't care if you do drugs . You can OD on the shit for all I care . But if you EVER slip any of my friends any drugs again without them knowing about it , I swear to God I will rip off your balls and shove em down your throat . " " Do you have any idea what I did to people like you at my high school ? " I asked , " Well it would be NOTHING compared to what I would do to you if you came within 5 feet of Henry ever again . Do you understand me ? " He nodded with fear . I released my grip on his shirt and walked away from him . I didn 't hear him move at all , but when I looked back he was opening the door to leave . Wow ! How great to see Aaron being so vulnerable in telling Luke about his mother . Trusting another person so deeply takes a lot of fortitude . Then , along with Luke , being so protective of another friend . A maturity is growing within him and it suits him well . I like that he and Luke are bonding so well . Awesome chapter , ITC . Great work , ITC ! I love how comfortable he 's becoming with Luke . I can really feel this story going somewhere great ! I also enjoyed how both of them stood up for Henry , especially Aaron who only had Luke 's word on the matter . Aw ! THAT is Fantastic ! ! This is a Good story , itc ! THANK YOU ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote Page 1 of 9

Hey guys , so as promised I 've started on a new story . I 've been tweaking it for a couple days now , and I think it 's finally ready for public eyes . I wanna give a quick thanks to everyone who read and supported Graduation . And those who didn 't , well you should go read it : Graduation The clock that hung from the wall ticked loudly through the silence as the pendulum swung from side to side . I had probably been sitting there for 3 minutes without saying a word . What could I say though ? There was nothing on my mind and she seemed stubborn enough to not be the first one to break the silence between us . " Well , it 's really nothing huge . It 's just a bunch of little things . Homework , tests , social ties … stuff like that , " I said . The woman gently uncrossed and re - crossed her legs as she took a sip of her coffee . She stared at me beneath rectangular , black - rimmed glasses as if to signal me to continue . I really didn 't know what to say . I wasn 't even here by my own choice . Stupid school requirements were forcing me to come here . Apparently , when one student kills themselves , every other student must be suicidal as well . " I don 't know . I try to remind myself that I 'm actually doing pretty well in life . I think about that girl Rachel , the one who shot herself , and I just think about how messed up things must have been for her , " I said . " Not really , no . I mean , I didn 't actually know her so her death doesn 't make me sad . But I feel compassion for the people that cared about her . I 've seen them around and they look pretty fucked up , " I said . " It 's fine . No one is going to get mad at you here . I can have a fucking dirty mouth too sometimes , " she said with a smile . I smiled back at her , but it was just a courtesy smile . I really didn 't think I belonged here . On the outside , I was just a normal college student trying his best to do well in life . On the inside , I didn 't really care about much . All over , I was just your typical everyday teenager who just wanted to fit in and be accepted . " She 's great . We 've been friends since Junior High . She brings out the best kind of person in me . When I 'm around her , I just feel so free it 's as if I could be anyone I wanted to be , " I said . " There 's Carly 's boyfriend , Mike . He 's an ok guy . I wouldn 't consider him one of my best friends , but it 's important to Carly that I like him , so I do , " I said . " Well Aaron , from what I 've gathered there is no need for you to be in therapy . You are perfectly normal in every visual way . I 'll write up a dismissal form for you to turn in at the administrator 's office on campus … unless you want to tell me something else ? " she asked . We sat down at one of the picnic tables that were scattered around the campus . Carly dug right into her food but I just sat there playing with mine with my fork . The fork got stuck and I ended up flicking an olive into the air . I eyed her expression up and down . I was trying to tell if she was pulling my leg or if she was honestly suggesting this . She noticed me studying her face and stared back at me with a raised eyebrow . " Quite possibly , but more importantly I 'm actually serious . You 're so bitter and sarcastic all the time . You never actually talk about what 's bothering you , " she said . After Carly took off to her Philosophy class , I decided to walk around campus . My thought train was on several different tracks as it always was . The first track stayed focused on what I would talk about with the counselor . Would she ask me questions again , or would I have to come up with stuff on my own ? What if I couldn 't think of anything to say ? Did it really matter ? I shook my head at the thought . It didn 't matter at all because it wasn 't necessary . It 's not like there 's anything wrong with me . What 's a psychiatrist going to tell me that I don 't already know ? Whatever , it was for Carly anyway . As long as she was content with me then I was happy . She has no need to worry about me , and this was the only way to prove it to her . My second track was thinking about Rachel . Not about her death , but who she really was . I tried to come up with a picture of what her life was like before she killed herself . The news report said her brother and three of her friends were there when she did it . They said she tried to kill one of them , but her brother stopped her . It made me think that her brother was really close to her and meant a lot to her . But why would she kill herself instead of get help ? Did she really not want to live anymore or did she feel so ashamed about what she did that her brother wouldn 't love her anymore ? It was a sad thought , but I figured anyone who is desperate enough to kill themselves if it meant the pain would stop then she was beyond help . It was a sad thought sure , but it didn 't make me sad . Her brother must have had it rough though . If I had a brother or a sister , then I would probably be able to imagine what he felt . But I didn 't , so I didn 't care very much . My third track was about all the new people moving into the dorms after what happened . There were so few people living in the dorms before that I was able to live alone , but now I was being assigned a roommate . Joy . Another person that I have to socialize with every day , just what I wanted . I finally jumped off my thought train and looked at my watch realizing that it was 1 : 30 already . I decided to head back to the dorm and wait for my new roommate . When I walked past the main Administrator 's Office , I turned the corner sharply and accidentally bumped into someone . I hit my head against theirs and fell down on my ass . He lowered his hand towards me to lift me up . I rubbed my head with my left hand as I took his extended arm with my right . He pulled me up and steadied me . As my vision refocused I was able to see his face . He had a pair of bright green eyes fixated on me while I regained my balance . I took a step forward and wobbled a little . He grabbed my shoulder and laughed a little . Once I got my balance back I laughed a little as well and shook my head . " You want me to walk with you and make sure you don 't pass out ? " he asked flashing me his bright smile . We walked across the campus together , every now and then I would stumble a little and he caught me before I tripped over myself . Each time I did it he let out a chuckle . I probably looked like a complete idiot . We were about halfway across the campus when he started talking to me randomly . I looked up at him and admired him a little . I wasn 't a very creative person , and I respected those that were . I couldn 't draw anything to save my life , but I like looking at the work of those that could . He looked at me as we stopped outside of the north dorm building . His bright hazel eyes glimmered in the light from the sun . I studied them as discretely as I could and noticed that there was a hint of gold around the edges . He smiled and revealed a set of bright white teeth that would make a dentist jealous . I didn 't know what he was smiling at , so I raised an eyebrow at him . As he walked away , I tried to study what made him tick , and what made those thoughts slip out of my mind . Even with Carly , I kept all of my sarcasm in my head so I didn 't offend her at all . There was something different about Luke that I couldn 't quite put my finger on . He was like a book full of analogies and metaphors that made my brain itch . He was confusing and yet , I felt like I understood him at the same time . The only thing I didn 't understand was that bizarre question and answer session while we were walking . Did he honestly care if I was ok even though he just met me ? That had to be it ; and that officially made him tomorrow 's problem . Today 's problem was probably already upstairs unpacking it 's shit , and I had to go meet it and make nice with it for the rest of the semester . He was probably some weak little brainiac that was so afraid of the world that he had to move in with the big boys . It 's just what I needed this semester ; to be some pathetic genius ' bodyguard . I flopped down on my bed and closed my eyes for a moment . My thoughts instantly drifted to Lucas … I mean Luke . What was his deal ? No one could be that nice to someone they just met . Fuck , now I was obsessing . I opened my eyes and rubbed the spot on my forehead where his head hit mine . Just then the door popped open and my new roommate stepped inside , followed closely by that awkward moment . I think I 'm going to like this story ! Off to a really great start . I think I have a feeling who Aaron 's new roommate is going to be BTW , I LOVED Graduation ! ! ! You have such compelling storylines and I have a feeling I won 't be disappointed with this one either . Can 't wait for more ! ! already I have noticed some parallels ! rachel killed herself in " Graduation " and also had a brother who was concerned - - same here . I 'm guessing lucas / luke is the love interest ? he has sparking green eyes ( and a killer smile ) , just like Cameron . Reply With Quote July 18th , 2009 , 10 : 56 PM Hmmm ! Haven 't read " Graduation " . . . yet ! . . . but , I 'm liking this one . . . a LOT ! PLEASE keep up the great work ! I 'm definitely looking forward to reading more of YOU ! Very interesting perspective ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote July 19th , 2009 , 01 : 16 AM How great to sign on today and see one of my favorite authors had started a new story . I like the approach this one has and as ASDF pointed out , there are the parallels with " Graduation . " Who would have thought that a tragic event such as Rachael killing herself would have such a wide effect on someone that didn 't even know her . I can tell this is going to be as brilliant a story as " Graduation " but with an entirely new cast of characters . Looking forward to a long read . already I have noticed some parallels ! rachel killed herself in " Graduation " and also had a brother who was concerned - - same here . I 'm guessing lucas / luke is the love interest ? he has sparking green eyes ( and a killer smile ) , just like Cameron . Oops looks like I overlooked something while I was editing . His eyes were supposed to be Hazel . I guess I just missed that one And I 'm glad you guys like it so far . I 'm gonna start chapter two today and hopefully be finished soon . Thanks for the support guys ! Great start ! I really enjoyed " Graduation " , I think I 'll like this story too . Looking forward to chapter 2 already ! Reply With Quote July 23rd , 2009 , 05 : 34 AM ITC this is a great beginning . Looking forward to more . I know that it will be just as fantastic as Graduation and I think you know by now that that story was the greatest . H & K " He 's ok . He 's kinda quiet though . After he unpacked he just sat at his desk playing games on his computer , " I said . Henry and I were sitting in the Student Hall on campus . The building was amazing . It had a big sitting / study area on the main floor , a library on the second floor , and a bunch of little shops , food places , and even a bowling alley in the underground area . I sat on my favorite couch in the room and Henry sat in the armchair sitting adjacent to me . I turned around and looked at the doors behind me . Jonathan was standing there looking awkwardly into the crowd for a place to sit down . I couldn 't help but feel sorry for him . He honestly looked like a guy who just needed a friend . He turned his head and saw me staring at him , so I gave a kind of half wave at him . He looked away instantly and walked towards the stairs . Jonathan stopped dead in his tracks . He looked over at us and saw Henry waving him over to our area . I could see his hesitation and smell his fear from where I was sitting . I nodded at him when he turned his dark brown eyes to me . After a moment of awkward pause , he shifted his feet and walked slowly over to us . I found myself hating him a little bit . Not because he was so awkward , but because he didn 't seem to even want a social life . It was as if he was battling with himself on the inside , and I couldn 't tell if he was winning or losing . He was very difficult to read and for that , I couldn 't help but hate him . No one has been able to hide themselves from me for very long , but this kid was actually giving me a challenge . As he sat down on the opposite end of the couch I was sitting on , there was an awkward moment of silence between us . I gave a quick stink eye at him when he sat on my couch , but hid it before he or Henry could see it . I turned my attention to my laptop which had the website , Fmylife open . Henry noticed my shift in focus and started talking to Jonathan . Tuning out their conversation , I retreated into my thoughts . I nodded at appropriate times and feigned interest like I always did . To be honest , the conversations about this Rachel girl were getting repetitive . Someone who had minimal interaction with her would find someone else who had even less interaction with her and express what a " shock " it was when it happened . I was a little surprised when my thoughts crossed over the pain in my forehead , and suddenly all I could think of was Lucas . He perplexed me . He seemed to genuinely care about my wellbeing , but yet he didn 't ask for my number or ask to walk me up to my room or whatever . I concluded on the thought that he really didn 't care , and that he was just making sure I didn 't want to sue him or anything . My thoughts were interrupted by Henry 's voice . * * * Walking into the club , I heard the sounds of my favorite band , Paramore . Carly immediately began dancing to the tune of Crushcrushcrush as we were walking down the stairs to the main floor of the club . She flung her dark brown hair around in sync with the beat of the song and she pulled Mike out to the dance floor . Henry and I sat at the bar and saw Jonathan walking down the stairs . He was closely followed by Lucas and his eyes magnetically stuck to mine from across the room . I saw a smile creep across his face . He and Jonathan made their way over to the bar , but our eyes never separated . His were full of amusement , while mine were filled with annoyance . I gave him a glare and he burst into laughter . Jonathan and Henry broke off and started chatting while Lucas and I had a couple drinks . Lucas and I just sat at the bar talking about the music they were playing . I sat there stunned for a moment . No way were he and I in the same place at the same time worshiping the same band . I must have been staring for a few minutes because he broke me out of my trance by waving his hand in my face . We sat there as the final line of a song neither of us was paying attention to finished . Eagerly awaiting the next song to play , I looked around and noticed that everyone else was gone . The DJ shut off the sound system and the bartender told us they were closing in a few minutes . We stared at each other with wide eyes and disbelief . He got off his stool and motioned towards the staircase . I wiped my hands on my jeans and walked past him up the stairs . The cool , crisp air outside felt refreshing after being inside for God knows how long . I stretched a bit as Lucas emerged out of the stairway and chuckled at me . He smiled at me and I smiled back . It was then that I realized that I was doing exactly what I didn 't want to do . Acting on instinct , my mind took over and I broke this moment between us . I tried desperately to think of a rational excuse to keep from walking back with him , but failed miserably . I just nodded and walked beside him , not saying a word the whole mile and a half to the dorm . He tried to talk to me , but I made it very clear that I was " too tired to think " so he gave up after the third avoided question . We walked up the stairs of the dorm building and stood outside my room for a moment . Lucas burst into laughter that carried across the courtyard . We walked into the other dorm building and up the stairs to the third floor where Lucas ' room was . This building was much younger and nicer than the one I was living in . We walked into the room and my jaw nearly fell off when I saw the interior . It was at least twice as big as my room , and he didn 't even have a roommate . I went into the bathroom to take a piss and change and I came out to see him already under his covers . I walked softly over to the bed and sat down on it . As usual , I went over the day 's events in my head as a way of cataloguing any significance in any moment . I stopped at the brief moment between Lucas and I outside the club and couldn 't decide if that was significant . Without thinking , I blurted out a question to Lucas . I turned over and lay down on the bed . I stared at the ceiling and kept thinking about that exchange of smiles . As much as I disliked the idea , I had found a new friend in Lucas Harper . That wasn 't what was bothering me though . The issue I was bumping up against was whether or not I would drive him away . He was so different from the people I was friends with . Carly and Henry were just as closed of as I was … I mean am . But Lucas has a warming quality that I was afraid of breaking . I turned over , facing away from Lucas , and started drifting off to sleep . I could hear him lightly snoring from his bed behind me , and for the first time in a while , I let out a genuine laugh . It wasn 't forced or fake . And that 's when I realized that I actually liked Lucas . I was friends with Henry because we were in the same social group and had similar taste in music . I was friends with Carly because we 've been together nearly since birth . And right now , I couldn 't really tell if I actually liked either of them . THANK YOU ! , itc ! Excellent ! Been waiting for this 2nd chapter , and , in the mean time , read " Graduation " ! Now I understand the " tie in " here . Fantastic ! ! I 'm truly enjoying your writing style ! And , especially appreciate your including Aaron 's " inner conversation " with himself . Definitely looking forward to more ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote August 10th , 2009 , 11 : 44 AM Happy to see an addition to the story . I am certain Aaron and Lucas are going to be very good friends . . . . . . . . . . . . hopefully more . Like Littletosay , I wonder if Henry and Jonathan are getting to know each other . . . lol Great chapter ITC ! I felt the vibrations of my phone beneath my pillow . It was just loud enough to wake me , but not enough to stir Lucas out of his sleep . I slowly and quietly changed clothes and left his room . The sun was barely coming up and all I could think of was how much I missed my mother . I clutched the locket that hid beneath my shirt as my breathing became heavy with grief . I looked away from the sunrise and just walked around for a little while . I felt bad for leaving Lucas like that , but it was pointless for me to let myself get close to someone else . I listened to the voice in my head telling me that I had enough . Any more than what I already have would just make things harder . I would have just left it at that , but then I heard a voice I hadn 't heard in a long time . There was a name I hadn 't thought of in years . He was a lot like Lucas , or at least what I 've witnessed from Lucas so far . We complemented each other like cheese and macaroni . Everyone thought we were twins because between the two of us , we knew everything . We were like two halves of an apple . At least , until his dad 's company relocated his family to a small town three states away . That was about two years before I met Henry . If it weren 't for Carly I wouldn 't have even had Henry . But life has been hard enough since then , I don 't need someone else who I am certain will cause me pain one day . The argument in my mind subsided as I once again listened to my negativity and decided that Lucas was too good for me to even try to be his friend . I passed through the doors of my dorm building and saw Henry laying on one of the couches in the lounge . He looked totally smashed from last night . I walked up to him and flicked his ear . When I got him up to his dorm room , I went back downstairs to mine to see if Jonathan was still there . I looked at my watch and it was now 7 : 30 a . m . I poked my head into the room and saw that no one was inside . It reeked of sex so I grabbed the air freshener and just blasted it around the room . I sat on my bed and dropped my head into my hands for a moment . I actually didn 't know Henry as well as I thought . He could have done it himself , but I didn 't want to believe it . I especially didn 't want to because it was our usually breakfast day . It was the only morning the three of us had off at the same time , so we went to the local IHOP and caught up with the week 's events . I shoved my sausages into my mouth and listened to Carly drone on about her and Mike . I honestly couldn 't care less , but as usual I feigned interest and kept any conflict to a minimum . At any second I expected my thoughts to drift away from Carly incessant yammering . And there it was . I forgot my wallet . I don 't even remember where I put it . I felt around all my pockets and nothing . Thankfully it was Carly 's day to pay so I didn 't have to worry as much . * * * I sat down in my chair near the door and planted my face in my arms . I absolutely hated this class . Well , more the professor than the class . He and I were total opposites and we viewed the world completely differently . We constantly argued about the " meaning " of everything since I just believe that the world is in constant chaos and things just happen . We never agreed on anything and being the asshole I am , I always had to argue my point until both of us gave up , or he kicked me out of the class . He walked away towards the back of the room . I saw him sit down in the back row and felt a rush of guilt overwhelm me . I got up and went to sit next to him . " I just assigned a report . You partner up with someone you don 't know or barely know and study them . Then you write a full report about why you think they are the way they are , " he said . I looked at Lucas and he looked back at me . A smile began to penetrate the stern look on his face that he was holding for so long , but he quickly stopped it . I held up my hand to ask a question and Robbins took a deep breath . I smiled when he turned away . I don 't know what made me feel better , freaking out the entire class , or having an academic reason to be friends with Lucas . I turned to Lucas with the smile still on my face and saw the shock on his . He stared at me in disbelief as I chuckled at everyone 's confusion . When class was dismissed , Lucas and I walked towards the parking lot together . There was silence between us that I wanted him to be the one to break . I wanted to think of something to say , but my mind was running on empty . " I 'm sorry , I really can 't . I promised Carly I 'd go see that counselor again . I have to go around 6 : 30 . " I said . I was . The first genuine smile on my face in two years , and Lucas was causing it . I had no idea what that actually meant . I just knew that I wanted to be around Lucas as much as I possibly could . We sat down at one of the tables outside . The light breeze swept through the little junction of stores . Lucas jumped face first into his sandwich while I slowly picked at my pasta . " Ok , " I said pulling the small locket out from under my shirt collar , " This locket belonged to my mother . She bought it one day when we went to Sea World . She always loved dolphins and when she saw this … she said it was the third time in her life that she was absolutely certain about something she wanted . " " I found it one day shortly before I left for school , and I put a picture of her in it . I wear it everyday to remind myself that what I 'm doing is important for me . No matter how far away I am , when I 'm wearing this locket I feel like I 'm right where I belong . " " Alright well , when I was a kid I always wanted to have a dog . My neighbor had a Doberman puppy and I was absolutely in love with it . But my dad was crazy allergic to dog hair , so we couldn 't have one , " he said . " Yeah … so anyway , when I was like 8 or 9 , my dad had a business trip up in Lake Tahoe , so my parents decided to just make it into a family vacation since it was during the summer . My mom and I were walking down a little junction of stores and I walked by this toy store . I looked in the window and saw this little Doberman Beanie Baby , " he said . " I know , I know , guys and Beanie Babies just don 't really mix , but I was just a kid . I begged my mom for like 20 minutes to buy it for me until she was finally convinced that it would keep me from begging for a real dog . As soon as I got it in my arms , I was never apart from it . I loved that dog so much , " he said . I looked at Lucas completely differently . The compassion and kindness that he had wasn 't something he did voluntarily . From his story , I could tell that it was just natural for him . I smiled back at him and nodded . At that moment , it was like everything slowed down . I looked into his bright hazel eyes and saw the vulnerability . I wasn 't looking at his vulnerability , but I could see myself in the reflection of his eyes . I was looking at mine . I had never told anyone about the locket I held with me everyday . I never reached that level of connection with anyone . And yet , here I sat with a near stranger , and I just spilled information about one of my greatest possessions without much provocation from him . It was like that deal between us established a trust that would take most people years to build . We instantly had a " You give , I give " connection . It felt amazing not only to trust someone so easily , but also to be trusted by that person with the same level of ease . I felt different , almost refreshed . I could feel the changes happening inside me . The warmth I locked away so many years ago was bubbling to the surface and pushing out the cold , logical , and emotionless version of me . That was an amazing chapter . I 'm really feeling for Luke and Aaron now . Hopefully they 'll get to be better friends . . . if Aaron 's head doesn 't do him in . What a great story - so well written ! I love the way you let us in to AAron 's inner voices . . . and I could feel the connection happening - blossoming ! I am an incurable romantic - I am loving this ! ! ! Hugs ! Reply With Quote August 15th , 2009 , 09 : 00 PM That was a wonderfully warm and touching chapter . Trust like that does not come easily . I have a feeling Aaron is going to be a little more reasonable with the counselor . He has something important to relay this time . Luke has that inner connection that anyone would be happy to share . Obviously he has some of the same concerns regarding friendships that Aaron has . I like the way things are going in this story . Eager to read the next chapter . Hey guys , so this chapter is a bit shorter but I wanted to get this part out of the way as soon as possible . I think I 've allowed you all get a better feel for Aaron in this chapter and I 'm going to bring in a few subtle hints and a few not so subtle hints with the next few chapters . Enjoy Wings of A Butterfly Veronica looked at me through her black rimmed glasses as I sat in the chair across from her . I subtly looked around the room to try and get a read on her in case I needed some ammo . She offered me a glass of tea , which I reluctantly accepted . Veronica examined me for a moment , as if to check for subtle hints that could actually lead her somewhere . She picked up her cup and sipped at her tea with her eyes closed . When she opened her eyes it was like a fire had been lit in her soul . She held more energy in them , as if she found something she could use . " I believe you agreed because you value your relationship with Carly , but you 're afraid of feeling vulnerable with another human being . So you fight them every step of the way , but you still end up doing things for them . You do it so you appear to care about them , but to also tell them that you wish you didn 't , " she said . " You think you know me after talking to me twice ? Well let me tell you something , you don 't know a thing about me . So you can sit up here in your little room with all your credentials hanging up on the wall and listen to other people complain about their problems . But me , I 'm going out there . I 'm going to do something that actually matters to the world . So you can take your assumptions about me and shove them up your ass because you have no idea why I am the way that I am . " I bolted out of my seat and stormed over towards the door . She was up and at the door faster than I could reach it . She held her hand against the door as I was trying to open it and storm out of the room . She looked calmly into my eyes and somehow forced the rage that was boiling under my skin to subside . She slowly walked back to her seat . As she sat down she motioned toward the chair for me to sit back down . I turned to face her and crossed my arms . " Before you can face whatever makes you afraid of connecting with other people , you need to tell at least one person what it is , " she said , " It doesn 't have to be me , it can be anyone . But until you tell someone , you 'll always be afraid of it . You 'll keep pushing people out of your life just as you 're about to get close to them . " Defeated , I walked back over to the chair across from her . I stared directly into her dark blue eyes . There was no anger or judgment in them . There was no hostility or restraint in mine either . I couldn 't see it , but I definitely felt it . " Aaron , there is no need for an apology . What you did was a classic outburst . In a way , it made it easier to see who you really are underneath this façade you portray , " she said . She looked up at me with confusion on her face . Her lips pursed and her brow wrinkled with intense thought . I noticed her right hand start flipping her pen around her fingers , something that my Psych professor said people do when they are working something over in their mind . She paused for a second . She put down her sandwich and kept her eyes low . She placed her arms on the table across her chest . Her eyes slowly looked up into mine and examined me for a moment . " Aaron , you haven 't been involved with any girl that I know of since I met you . You haven 't given any reason to believe that you 're straight . You 've never even stated whether you were straight or not . So yeah , I can believe that she may have thought so . " I grabbed my things and walked away . The wind was blowing gently , so I decided to follow it and see where it took me . I really didn 't care . It was Friday afternoon , and two days since I last saw Lucas . Me , being the idiot that I am , forgot to get his number . And both times I knocked on his door were not answered . I was walking by the Science and Health Studies building when a door opened and nearly hit me in the face . A crowd of students flew out the door and poured into the courtyard . Politely , I held the door open and waited for every last one of them to leave the room . The last person to leave was the last person I expected it to be . I rolled my eyes and pushed his shoulder . I didn 't even know where we were walking to , but we ended up at the east parking lot . I looked around for a moment in silence while standing next to Lucas waiting for the crosswalk to turn . He smiled and walked across the street with his golden hair being brushed by the light wind . As he walked away , I noticed he was slightly limping . I pushed it into the back of my mind for now and walked off towards the corner store with a small grin on my face . Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote August 17th , 2009 , 09 : 50 AM That was a very thought provoking chapter . It 's obvious Aaron can 't always stay on his sarcastic path . The counselor broke through and Luke has as well . He 's really not a bad ass after all . Now he has to come to terms with his sexuality and I hope Luke will begin that journey with him soon . Thanks for the update and looking for the next . Thanks for the speedy update . . . if only I could crank out quality work that quickly haha . I 'm VERY excited for the next chapter and to find out what this limp was all about . More more more ! ! ! Irish I knocked on his door three times , each knock slightly lower on the door than the other . I never noticed that I did it until now . Something about Lucas made me more aware of anything I did . Even my little weird things like my knock . The pizza in my left hand was starting to make my palm sweat , or at least that 's what I convinced myself was making it sweat . He opened the door and smiled at me . I opened the box and we each grabbed a slice . I sat back down in his chair and he flopped down on his bed and ate the slice in seconds . I laughed at him and he smiled awkwardly at me . A moment of silence passed between us as we ate . His eyes were glued to the ground and I could tell he was thinking of something that he wasn 't sure about saying . After I finished my slice , I took a deep breath . " Well it got me thinking , " he said , " And I thought about it all day . I 'm not trying to pry you for information or anything , but if you want we could make another deal . You tell me something , I 'll tell you something . " Lucas sat up and sat on the edge of his bed . He stared into my eyes and somehow , I felt a little better . The pain in my chest went away and I was able to hold the tears back a little better than before . " I came home from school one day and found her unconscious in the kitchen . I called 911 but it was too late . I found my mother dead that day . " " She worked so hard for me . She worked so hard to give me a good life … " I said , " But she never thought about what would happen to me if she was gone . " That did it . The tears pushed themselves out of my eyes and I fell forward into myself . Lucas stood up and kneeled down in front of me and caught me before I collapsed . He held me and I cried on his shoulder . " Aaron , that 's ok , " he said . He pulled me away from him and looked directly into my eyes . He placed both hands firmly , but gently , on my shoulders . " She obviously didn 't want you to know until it happened , " he said , " She was probably so scared about leaving you . She probably didn 't want you to have to live every single day in fear , and then have grief on top of that feeling after she died . It 's not wrong for you to be angry , but she probably didn 't tell you because of what knowing that she was going to die would do to you . " He looked firmly into my eyes . I could see his fixation , and from that I could tell that he did genuinely care about me . In my mind , I saw myself drowning . I couldn 't keep myself afloat , even though I had people around me trying to pull me out of the water . I was just about to give up and let myself fall beneath the surface , when I felt a hand grab my arm and lift me up . I looked into the eyes of my rescuer . The bright hazel colored eyes that penetrated my soul and brought down every barrier I had built . I looked back into his eyes and felt the pain be washed away . The tears stopped and I regained my composition . I took several deep breaths and calmed myself down . I sat up straight , never looking away from Lucas ' eyes . They made me feel safe . I nodded at him , but remained silent . I didn 't know what to do now . This was the most vulnerable I 've ever felt in my life . For the first time since my mom 's funeral , I cried in front of another person . I knew he felt the tension boiling inside me , so he wrapped his arms around me again to comfort me . I got up and put the movie in and pressed play . I sat back into the chair and he moved back onto his bed . I noticed he kept looking at me as if I were about to shatter into a million pieces . He walked over to his bookshelf , and I noticed his slight limp again . He turned around smiling with the case of October Sky in his hands . I must have had a worried look on my face or something because his smile disappeared and his eyes glazed over a bit . " It 's ok , " he said , " I talked to Jonathan this morning and he told me everything . He seemed so proud of it , so I yelled at him . Then he said , ' It 's not like I raped him or anything , ' and the next thing I knew , my fist flew into his face . I knocked him on the ground and he kicked me in the hip when I leaned in to help him up . " I smiled at him and he smiled back . At that moment , I felt like we were floating in a space of nothingness . There was nothing to worry about except whether or not we were flying or falling . That 's how it was with Lucas . I could be flying or falling , and it would make no difference to me . It was a challenge to be open with him , but at the same time I felt completely safe . We watched the movie in near silence . Apparently we both loved this movie so much that we could nearly recite the script . I swear at one point I saw him mouthing some of the words . But he just blushed and looked away from me . Lucas made me feel different than my other friends did . I didn 't have to worry about what I said or how I said it . I didn 't have to worry about whether or not I stepped on his toes . I didn 't have to worry about anything really . All I had to do was be myself and let him see my vulnerable side every once in a while . * * * It was nearly 11 at night when I got back to my dorm room . Jonathan was sitting at his desk . I could see very clearly where Lucas clocked him . I couldn 't help but smirk a little about it . " Look you little shit , " I said , " I really don 't care if you do drugs . You can OD on the shit for all I care . But if you EVER slip any of my friends any drugs again without them knowing about it , I swear to God I will rip off your balls and shove em down your throat . " " Do you have any idea what I did to people like you at my high school ? " I asked , " Well it would be NOTHING compared to what I would do to you if you came within 5 feet of Henry ever again . Do you understand me ? " He nodded with fear . I released my grip on his shirt and walked away from him . I didn 't hear him move at all , but when I looked back he was opening the door to leave . Wow ! How great to see Aaron being so vulnerable in telling Luke about his mother . Trusting another person so deeply takes a lot of fortitude . Then , along with Luke , being so protective of another friend . A maturity is growing within him and it suits him well . I like that he and Luke are bonding so well . Awesome chapter , ITC . Great work , ITC ! I love how comfortable he 's becoming with Luke . I can really feel this story going somewhere great ! I also enjoyed how both of them stood up for Henry , especially Aaron who only had Luke 's word on the matter . Aw ! THAT is Fantastic ! ! This is a Good story , itc ! THANK YOU ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote Page 1 of 9

Hey guys , so as promised I 've started on a new story . I 've been tweaking it for a couple days now , and I think it 's finally ready for public eyes . I wanna give a quick thanks to everyone who read and supported Graduation . And those who didn 't , well you should go read it : Graduation The clock that hung from the wall ticked loudly through the silence as the pendulum swung from side to side . I had probably been sitting there for 3 minutes without saying a word . What could I say though ? There was nothing on my mind and she seemed stubborn enough to not be the first one to break the silence between us . " Well , it 's really nothing huge . It 's just a bunch of little things . Homework , tests , social ties … stuff like that , " I said . The woman gently uncrossed and re - crossed her legs as she took a sip of her coffee . She stared at me beneath rectangular , black - rimmed glasses as if to signal me to continue . I really didn 't know what to say . I wasn 't even here by my own choice . Stupid school requirements were forcing me to come here . Apparently , when one student kills themselves , every other student must be suicidal as well . " I don 't know . I try to remind myself that I 'm actually doing pretty well in life . I think about that girl Rachel , the one who shot herself , and I just think about how messed up things must have been for her , " I said . " Not really , no . I mean , I didn 't actually know her so her death doesn 't make me sad . But I feel compassion for the people that cared about her . I 've seen them around and they look pretty fucked up , " I said . " It 's fine . No one is going to get mad at you here . I can have a fucking dirty mouth too sometimes , " she said with a smile . I smiled back at her , but it was just a courtesy smile . I really didn 't think I belonged here . On the outside , I was just a normal college student trying his best to do well in life . On the inside , I didn 't really care about much . All over , I was just your typical everyday teenager who just wanted to fit in and be accepted . " She 's great . We 've been friends since Junior High . She brings out the best kind of person in me . When I 'm around her , I just feel so free it 's as if I could be anyone I wanted to be , " I said . " There 's Carly 's boyfriend , Mike . He 's an ok guy . I wouldn 't consider him one of my best friends , but it 's important to Carly that I like him , so I do , " I said . " Well Aaron , from what I 've gathered there is no need for you to be in therapy . You are perfectly normal in every visual way . I 'll write up a dismissal form for you to turn in at the administrator 's office on campus … unless you want to tell me something else ? " she asked . We sat down at one of the picnic tables that were scattered around the campus . Carly dug right into her food but I just sat there playing with mine with my fork . The fork got stuck and I ended up flicking an olive into the air . I eyed her expression up and down . I was trying to tell if she was pulling my leg or if she was honestly suggesting this . She noticed me studying her face and stared back at me with a raised eyebrow . " Quite possibly , but more importantly I 'm actually serious . You 're so bitter and sarcastic all the time . You never actually talk about what 's bothering you , " she said . After Carly took off to her Philosophy class , I decided to walk around campus . My thought train was on several different tracks as it always was . The first track stayed focused on what I would talk about with the counselor . Would she ask me questions again , or would I have to come up with stuff on my own ? What if I couldn 't think of anything to say ? Did it really matter ? I shook my head at the thought . It didn 't matter at all because it wasn 't necessary . It 's not like there 's anything wrong with me . What 's a psychiatrist going to tell me that I don 't already know ? Whatever , it was for Carly anyway . As long as she was content with me then I was happy . She has no need to worry about me , and this was the only way to prove it to her . My second track was thinking about Rachel . Not about her death , but who she really was . I tried to come up with a picture of what her life was like before she killed herself . The news report said her brother and three of her friends were there when she did it . They said she tried to kill one of them , but her brother stopped her . It made me think that her brother was really close to her and meant a lot to her . But why would she kill herself instead of get help ? Did she really not want to live anymore or did she feel so ashamed about what she did that her brother wouldn 't love her anymore ? It was a sad thought , but I figured anyone who is desperate enough to kill themselves if it meant the pain would stop then she was beyond help . It was a sad thought sure , but it didn 't make me sad . Her brother must have had it rough though . If I had a brother or a sister , then I would probably be able to imagine what he felt . But I didn 't , so I didn 't care very much . My third track was about all the new people moving into the dorms after what happened . There were so few people living in the dorms before that I was able to live alone , but now I was being assigned a roommate . Joy . Another person that I have to socialize with every day , just what I wanted . I finally jumped off my thought train and looked at my watch realizing that it was 1 : 30 already . I decided to head back to the dorm and wait for my new roommate . When I walked past the main Administrator 's Office , I turned the corner sharply and accidentally bumped into someone . I hit my head against theirs and fell down on my ass . He lowered his hand towards me to lift me up . I rubbed my head with my left hand as I took his extended arm with my right . He pulled me up and steadied me . As my vision refocused I was able to see his face . He had a pair of bright green eyes fixated on me while I regained my balance . I took a step forward and wobbled a little . He grabbed my shoulder and laughed a little . Once I got my balance back I laughed a little as well and shook my head . " You want me to walk with you and make sure you don 't pass out ? " he asked flashing me his bright smile . We walked across the campus together , every now and then I would stumble a little and he caught me before I tripped over myself . Each time I did it he let out a chuckle . I probably looked like a complete idiot . We were about halfway across the campus when he started talking to me randomly . I looked up at him and admired him a little . I wasn 't a very creative person , and I respected those that were . I couldn 't draw anything to save my life , but I like looking at the work of those that could . He looked at me as we stopped outside of the north dorm building . His bright hazel eyes glimmered in the light from the sun . I studied them as discretely as I could and noticed that there was a hint of gold around the edges . He smiled and revealed a set of bright white teeth that would make a dentist jealous . I didn 't know what he was smiling at , so I raised an eyebrow at him . As he walked away , I tried to study what made him tick , and what made those thoughts slip out of my mind . Even with Carly , I kept all of my sarcasm in my head so I didn 't offend her at all . There was something different about Luke that I couldn 't quite put my finger on . He was like a book full of analogies and metaphors that made my brain itch . He was confusing and yet , I felt like I understood him at the same time . The only thing I didn 't understand was that bizarre question and answer session while we were walking . Did he honestly care if I was ok even though he just met me ? That had to be it ; and that officially made him tomorrow 's problem . Today 's problem was probably already upstairs unpacking it 's shit , and I had to go meet it and make nice with it for the rest of the semester . He was probably some weak little brainiac that was so afraid of the world that he had to move in with the big boys . It 's just what I needed this semester ; to be some pathetic genius ' bodyguard . I flopped down on my bed and closed my eyes for a moment . My thoughts instantly drifted to Lucas … I mean Luke . What was his deal ? No one could be that nice to someone they just met . Fuck , now I was obsessing . I opened my eyes and rubbed the spot on my forehead where his head hit mine . Just then the door popped open and my new roommate stepped inside , followed closely by that awkward moment . I think I 'm going to like this story ! Off to a really great start . I think I have a feeling who Aaron 's new roommate is going to be BTW , I LOVED Graduation ! ! ! You have such compelling storylines and I have a feeling I won 't be disappointed with this one either . Can 't wait for more ! ! already I have noticed some parallels ! rachel killed herself in " Graduation " and also had a brother who was concerned - - same here . I 'm guessing lucas / luke is the love interest ? he has sparking green eyes ( and a killer smile ) , just like Cameron . Reply With Quote July 18th , 2009 , 10 : 56 PM Hmmm ! Haven 't read " Graduation " . . . yet ! . . . but , I 'm liking this one . . . a LOT ! PLEASE keep up the great work ! I 'm definitely looking forward to reading more of YOU ! Very interesting perspective ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote July 19th , 2009 , 01 : 16 AM How great to sign on today and see one of my favorite authors had started a new story . I like the approach this one has and as ASDF pointed out , there are the parallels with " Graduation . " Who would have thought that a tragic event such as Rachael killing herself would have such a wide effect on someone that didn 't even know her . I can tell this is going to be as brilliant a story as " Graduation " but with an entirely new cast of characters . Looking forward to a long read . already I have noticed some parallels ! rachel killed herself in " Graduation " and also had a brother who was concerned - - same here . I 'm guessing lucas / luke is the love interest ? he has sparking green eyes ( and a killer smile ) , just like Cameron . Oops looks like I overlooked something while I was editing . His eyes were supposed to be Hazel . I guess I just missed that one And I 'm glad you guys like it so far . I 'm gonna start chapter two today and hopefully be finished soon . Thanks for the support guys ! Great start ! I really enjoyed " Graduation " , I think I 'll like this story too . Looking forward to chapter 2 already ! Reply With Quote July 23rd , 2009 , 05 : 34 AM ITC this is a great beginning . Looking forward to more . I know that it will be just as fantastic as Graduation and I think you know by now that that story was the greatest . H & K " He 's ok . He 's kinda quiet though . After he unpacked he just sat at his desk playing games on his computer , " I said . Henry and I were sitting in the Student Hall on campus . The building was amazing . It had a big sitting / study area on the main floor , a library on the second floor , and a bunch of little shops , food places , and even a bowling alley in the underground area . I sat on my favorite couch in the room and Henry sat in the armchair sitting adjacent to me . I turned around and looked at the doors behind me . Jonathan was standing there looking awkwardly into the crowd for a place to sit down . I couldn 't help but feel sorry for him . He honestly looked like a guy who just needed a friend . He turned his head and saw me staring at him , so I gave a kind of half wave at him . He looked away instantly and walked towards the stairs . Jonathan stopped dead in his tracks . He looked over at us and saw Henry waving him over to our area . I could see his hesitation and smell his fear from where I was sitting . I nodded at him when he turned his dark brown eyes to me . After a moment of awkward pause , he shifted his feet and walked slowly over to us . I found myself hating him a little bit . Not because he was so awkward , but because he didn 't seem to even want a social life . It was as if he was battling with himself on the inside , and I couldn 't tell if he was winning or losing . He was very difficult to read and for that , I couldn 't help but hate him . No one has been able to hide themselves from me for very long , but this kid was actually giving me a challenge . As he sat down on the opposite end of the couch I was sitting on , there was an awkward moment of silence between us . I gave a quick stink eye at him when he sat on my couch , but hid it before he or Henry could see it . I turned my attention to my laptop which had the website , Fmylife open . Henry noticed my shift in focus and started talking to Jonathan . Tuning out their conversation , I retreated into my thoughts . I nodded at appropriate times and feigned interest like I always did . To be honest , the conversations about this Rachel girl were getting repetitive . Someone who had minimal interaction with her would find someone else who had even less interaction with her and express what a " shock " it was when it happened . I was a little surprised when my thoughts crossed over the pain in my forehead , and suddenly all I could think of was Lucas . He perplexed me . He seemed to genuinely care about my wellbeing , but yet he didn 't ask for my number or ask to walk me up to my room or whatever . I concluded on the thought that he really didn 't care , and that he was just making sure I didn 't want to sue him or anything . My thoughts were interrupted by Henry 's voice . * * * Walking into the club , I heard the sounds of my favorite band , Paramore . Carly immediately began dancing to the tune of Crushcrushcrush as we were walking down the stairs to the main floor of the club . She flung her dark brown hair around in sync with the beat of the song and she pulled Mike out to the dance floor . Henry and I sat at the bar and saw Jonathan walking down the stairs . He was closely followed by Lucas and his eyes magnetically stuck to mine from across the room . I saw a smile creep across his face . He and Jonathan made their way over to the bar , but our eyes never separated . His were full of amusement , while mine were filled with annoyance . I gave him a glare and he burst into laughter . Jonathan and Henry broke off and started chatting while Lucas and I had a couple drinks . Lucas and I just sat at the bar talking about the music they were playing . I sat there stunned for a moment . No way were he and I in the same place at the same time worshiping the same band . I must have been staring for a few minutes because he broke me out of my trance by waving his hand in my face . We sat there as the final line of a song neither of us was paying attention to finished . Eagerly awaiting the next song to play , I looked around and noticed that everyone else was gone . The DJ shut off the sound system and the bartender told us they were closing in a few minutes . We stared at each other with wide eyes and disbelief . He got off his stool and motioned towards the staircase . I wiped my hands on my jeans and walked past him up the stairs . The cool , crisp air outside felt refreshing after being inside for God knows how long . I stretched a bit as Lucas emerged out of the stairway and chuckled at me . He smiled at me and I smiled back . It was then that I realized that I was doing exactly what I didn 't want to do . Acting on instinct , my mind took over and I broke this moment between us . I tried desperately to think of a rational excuse to keep from walking back with him , but failed miserably . I just nodded and walked beside him , not saying a word the whole mile and a half to the dorm . He tried to talk to me , but I made it very clear that I was " too tired to think " so he gave up after the third avoided question . We walked up the stairs of the dorm building and stood outside my room for a moment . Lucas burst into laughter that carried across the courtyard . We walked into the other dorm building and up the stairs to the third floor where Lucas ' room was . This building was much younger and nicer than the one I was living in . We walked into the room and my jaw nearly fell off when I saw the interior . It was at least twice as big as my room , and he didn 't even have a roommate . I went into the bathroom to take a piss and change and I came out to see him already under his covers . I walked softly over to the bed and sat down on it . As usual , I went over the day 's events in my head as a way of cataloguing any significance in any moment . I stopped at the brief moment between Lucas and I outside the club and couldn 't decide if that was significant . Without thinking , I blurted out a question to Lucas . I turned over and lay down on the bed . I stared at the ceiling and kept thinking about that exchange of smiles . As much as I disliked the idea , I had found a new friend in Lucas Harper . That wasn 't what was bothering me though . The issue I was bumping up against was whether or not I would drive him away . He was so different from the people I was friends with . Carly and Henry were just as closed of as I was … I mean am . But Lucas has a warming quality that I was afraid of breaking . I turned over , facing away from Lucas , and started drifting off to sleep . I could hear him lightly snoring from his bed behind me , and for the first time in a while , I let out a genuine laugh . It wasn 't forced or fake . And that 's when I realized that I actually liked Lucas . I was friends with Henry because we were in the same social group and had similar taste in music . I was friends with Carly because we 've been together nearly since birth . And right now , I couldn 't really tell if I actually liked either of them . THANK YOU ! , itc ! Excellent ! Been waiting for this 2nd chapter , and , in the mean time , read " Graduation " ! Now I understand the " tie in " here . Fantastic ! ! I 'm truly enjoying your writing style ! And , especially appreciate your including Aaron 's " inner conversation " with himself . Definitely looking forward to more ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote August 10th , 2009 , 11 : 44 AM Happy to see an addition to the story . I am certain Aaron and Lucas are going to be very good friends . . . . . . . . . . . . hopefully more . Like Littletosay , I wonder if Henry and Jonathan are getting to know each other . . . lol Great chapter ITC ! I felt the vibrations of my phone beneath my pillow . It was just loud enough to wake me , but not enough to stir Lucas out of his sleep . I slowly and quietly changed clothes and left his room . The sun was barely coming up and all I could think of was how much I missed my mother . I clutched the locket that hid beneath my shirt as my breathing became heavy with grief . I looked away from the sunrise and just walked around for a little while . I felt bad for leaving Lucas like that , but it was pointless for me to let myself get close to someone else . I listened to the voice in my head telling me that I had enough . Any more than what I already have would just make things harder . I would have just left it at that , but then I heard a voice I hadn 't heard in a long time . There was a name I hadn 't thought of in years . He was a lot like Lucas , or at least what I 've witnessed from Lucas so far . We complemented each other like cheese and macaroni . Everyone thought we were twins because between the two of us , we knew everything . We were like two halves of an apple . At least , until his dad 's company relocated his family to a small town three states away . That was about two years before I met Henry . If it weren 't for Carly I wouldn 't have even had Henry . But life has been hard enough since then , I don 't need someone else who I am certain will cause me pain one day . The argument in my mind subsided as I once again listened to my negativity and decided that Lucas was too good for me to even try to be his friend . I passed through the doors of my dorm building and saw Henry laying on one of the couches in the lounge . He looked totally smashed from last night . I walked up to him and flicked his ear . When I got him up to his dorm room , I went back downstairs to mine to see if Jonathan was still there . I looked at my watch and it was now 7 : 30 a . m . I poked my head into the room and saw that no one was inside . It reeked of sex so I grabbed the air freshener and just blasted it around the room . I sat on my bed and dropped my head into my hands for a moment . I actually didn 't know Henry as well as I thought . He could have done it himself , but I didn 't want to believe it . I especially didn 't want to because it was our usually breakfast day . It was the only morning the three of us had off at the same time , so we went to the local IHOP and caught up with the week 's events . I shoved my sausages into my mouth and listened to Carly drone on about her and Mike . I honestly couldn 't care less , but as usual I feigned interest and kept any conflict to a minimum . At any second I expected my thoughts to drift away from Carly incessant yammering . And there it was . I forgot my wallet . I don 't even remember where I put it . I felt around all my pockets and nothing . Thankfully it was Carly 's day to pay so I didn 't have to worry as much . * * * I sat down in my chair near the door and planted my face in my arms . I absolutely hated this class . Well , more the professor than the class . He and I were total opposites and we viewed the world completely differently . We constantly argued about the " meaning " of everything since I just believe that the world is in constant chaos and things just happen . We never agreed on anything and being the asshole I am , I always had to argue my point until both of us gave up , or he kicked me out of the class . He walked away towards the back of the room . I saw him sit down in the back row and felt a rush of guilt overwhelm me . I got up and went to sit next to him . " I just assigned a report . You partner up with someone you don 't know or barely know and study them . Then you write a full report about why you think they are the way they are , " he said . I looked at Lucas and he looked back at me . A smile began to penetrate the stern look on his face that he was holding for so long , but he quickly stopped it . I held up my hand to ask a question and Robbins took a deep breath . I smiled when he turned away . I don 't know what made me feel better , freaking out the entire class , or having an academic reason to be friends with Lucas . I turned to Lucas with the smile still on my face and saw the shock on his . He stared at me in disbelief as I chuckled at everyone 's confusion . When class was dismissed , Lucas and I walked towards the parking lot together . There was silence between us that I wanted him to be the one to break . I wanted to think of something to say , but my mind was running on empty . " I 'm sorry , I really can 't . I promised Carly I 'd go see that counselor again . I have to go around 6 : 30 . " I said . I was . The first genuine smile on my face in two years , and Lucas was causing it . I had no idea what that actually meant . I just knew that I wanted to be around Lucas as much as I possibly could . We sat down at one of the tables outside . The light breeze swept through the little junction of stores . Lucas jumped face first into his sandwich while I slowly picked at my pasta . " Ok , " I said pulling the small locket out from under my shirt collar , " This locket belonged to my mother . She bought it one day when we went to Sea World . She always loved dolphins and when she saw this … she said it was the third time in her life that she was absolutely certain about something she wanted . " " I found it one day shortly before I left for school , and I put a picture of her in it . I wear it everyday to remind myself that what I 'm doing is important for me . No matter how far away I am , when I 'm wearing this locket I feel like I 'm right where I belong . " " Alright well , when I was a kid I always wanted to have a dog . My neighbor had a Doberman puppy and I was absolutely in love with it . But my dad was crazy allergic to dog hair , so we couldn 't have one , " he said . " Yeah … so anyway , when I was like 8 or 9 , my dad had a business trip up in Lake Tahoe , so my parents decided to just make it into a family vacation since it was during the summer . My mom and I were walking down a little junction of stores and I walked by this toy store . I looked in the window and saw this little Doberman Beanie Baby , " he said . " I know , I know , guys and Beanie Babies just don 't really mix , but I was just a kid . I begged my mom for like 20 minutes to buy it for me until she was finally convinced that it would keep me from begging for a real dog . As soon as I got it in my arms , I was never apart from it . I loved that dog so much , " he said . I looked at Lucas completely differently . The compassion and kindness that he had wasn 't something he did voluntarily . From his story , I could tell that it was just natural for him . I smiled back at him and nodded . At that moment , it was like everything slowed down . I looked into his bright hazel eyes and saw the vulnerability . I wasn 't looking at his vulnerability , but I could see myself in the reflection of his eyes . I was looking at mine . I had never told anyone about the locket I held with me everyday . I never reached that level of connection with anyone . And yet , here I sat with a near stranger , and I just spilled information about one of my greatest possessions without much provocation from him . It was like that deal between us established a trust that would take most people years to build . We instantly had a " You give , I give " connection . It felt amazing not only to trust someone so easily , but also to be trusted by that person with the same level of ease . I felt different , almost refreshed . I could feel the changes happening inside me . The warmth I locked away so many years ago was bubbling to the surface and pushing out the cold , logical , and emotionless version of me . That was an amazing chapter . I 'm really feeling for Luke and Aaron now . Hopefully they 'll get to be better friends . . . if Aaron 's head doesn 't do him in . What a great story - so well written ! I love the way you let us in to AAron 's inner voices . . . and I could feel the connection happening - blossoming ! I am an incurable romantic - I am loving this ! ! ! Hugs ! Reply With Quote August 15th , 2009 , 09 : 00 PM That was a wonderfully warm and touching chapter . Trust like that does not come easily . I have a feeling Aaron is going to be a little more reasonable with the counselor . He has something important to relay this time . Luke has that inner connection that anyone would be happy to share . Obviously he has some of the same concerns regarding friendships that Aaron has . I like the way things are going in this story . Eager to read the next chapter . Hey guys , so this chapter is a bit shorter but I wanted to get this part out of the way as soon as possible . I think I 've allowed you all get a better feel for Aaron in this chapter and I 'm going to bring in a few subtle hints and a few not so subtle hints with the next few chapters . Enjoy Wings of A Butterfly Veronica looked at me through her black rimmed glasses as I sat in the chair across from her . I subtly looked around the room to try and get a read on her in case I needed some ammo . She offered me a glass of tea , which I reluctantly accepted . Veronica examined me for a moment , as if to check for subtle hints that could actually lead her somewhere . She picked up her cup and sipped at her tea with her eyes closed . When she opened her eyes it was like a fire had been lit in her soul . She held more energy in them , as if she found something she could use . " I believe you agreed because you value your relationship with Carly , but you 're afraid of feeling vulnerable with another human being . So you fight them every step of the way , but you still end up doing things for them . You do it so you appear to care about them , but to also tell them that you wish you didn 't , " she said . " You think you know me after talking to me twice ? Well let me tell you something , you don 't know a thing about me . So you can sit up here in your little room with all your credentials hanging up on the wall and listen to other people complain about their problems . But me , I 'm going out there . I 'm going to do something that actually matters to the world . So you can take your assumptions about me and shove them up your ass because you have no idea why I am the way that I am . " I bolted out of my seat and stormed over towards the door . She was up and at the door faster than I could reach it . She held her hand against the door as I was trying to open it and storm out of the room . She looked calmly into my eyes and somehow forced the rage that was boiling under my skin to subside . She slowly walked back to her seat . As she sat down she motioned toward the chair for me to sit back down . I turned to face her and crossed my arms . " Before you can face whatever makes you afraid of connecting with other people , you need to tell at least one person what it is , " she said , " It doesn 't have to be me , it can be anyone . But until you tell someone , you 'll always be afraid of it . You 'll keep pushing people out of your life just as you 're about to get close to them . " Defeated , I walked back over to the chair across from her . I stared directly into her dark blue eyes . There was no anger or judgment in them . There was no hostility or restraint in mine either . I couldn 't see it , but I definitely felt it . " Aaron , there is no need for an apology . What you did was a classic outburst . In a way , it made it easier to see who you really are underneath this façade you portray , " she said . She looked up at me with confusion on her face . Her lips pursed and her brow wrinkled with intense thought . I noticed her right hand start flipping her pen around her fingers , something that my Psych professor said people do when they are working something over in their mind . She paused for a second . She put down her sandwich and kept her eyes low . She placed her arms on the table across her chest . Her eyes slowly looked up into mine and examined me for a moment . " Aaron , you haven 't been involved with any girl that I know of since I met you . You haven 't given any reason to believe that you 're straight . You 've never even stated whether you were straight or not . So yeah , I can believe that she may have thought so . " I grabbed my things and walked away . The wind was blowing gently , so I decided to follow it and see where it took me . I really didn 't care . It was Friday afternoon , and two days since I last saw Lucas . Me , being the idiot that I am , forgot to get his number . And both times I knocked on his door were not answered . I was walking by the Science and Health Studies building when a door opened and nearly hit me in the face . A crowd of students flew out the door and poured into the courtyard . Politely , I held the door open and waited for every last one of them to leave the room . The last person to leave was the last person I expected it to be . I rolled my eyes and pushed his shoulder . I didn 't even know where we were walking to , but we ended up at the east parking lot . I looked around for a moment in silence while standing next to Lucas waiting for the crosswalk to turn . He smiled and walked across the street with his golden hair being brushed by the light wind . As he walked away , I noticed he was slightly limping . I pushed it into the back of my mind for now and walked off towards the corner store with a small grin on my face . Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote August 17th , 2009 , 09 : 50 AM That was a very thought provoking chapter . It 's obvious Aaron can 't always stay on his sarcastic path . The counselor broke through and Luke has as well . He 's really not a bad ass after all . Now he has to come to terms with his sexuality and I hope Luke will begin that journey with him soon . Thanks for the update and looking for the next . Thanks for the speedy update . . . if only I could crank out quality work that quickly haha . I 'm VERY excited for the next chapter and to find out what this limp was all about . More more more ! ! ! Irish I knocked on his door three times , each knock slightly lower on the door than the other . I never noticed that I did it until now . Something about Lucas made me more aware of anything I did . Even my little weird things like my knock . The pizza in my left hand was starting to make my palm sweat , or at least that 's what I convinced myself was making it sweat . He opened the door and smiled at me . I opened the box and we each grabbed a slice . I sat back down in his chair and he flopped down on his bed and ate the slice in seconds . I laughed at him and he smiled awkwardly at me . A moment of silence passed between us as we ate . His eyes were glued to the ground and I could tell he was thinking of something that he wasn 't sure about saying . After I finished my slice , I took a deep breath . " Well it got me thinking , " he said , " And I thought about it all day . I 'm not trying to pry you for information or anything , but if you want we could make another deal . You tell me something , I 'll tell you something . " Lucas sat up and sat on the edge of his bed . He stared into my eyes and somehow , I felt a little better . The pain in my chest went away and I was able to hold the tears back a little better than before . " I came home from school one day and found her unconscious in the kitchen . I called 911 but it was too late . I found my mother dead that day . " " She worked so hard for me . She worked so hard to give me a good life … " I said , " But she never thought about what would happen to me if she was gone . " That did it . The tears pushed themselves out of my eyes and I fell forward into myself . Lucas stood up and kneeled down in front of me and caught me before I collapsed . He held me and I cried on his shoulder . " Aaron , that 's ok , " he said . He pulled me away from him and looked directly into my eyes . He placed both hands firmly , but gently , on my shoulders . " She obviously didn 't want you to know until it happened , " he said , " She was probably so scared about leaving you . She probably didn 't want you to have to live every single day in fear , and then have grief on top of that feeling after she died . It 's not wrong for you to be angry , but she probably didn 't tell you because of what knowing that she was going to die would do to you . " He looked firmly into my eyes . I could see his fixation , and from that I could tell that he did genuinely care about me . In my mind , I saw myself drowning . I couldn 't keep myself afloat , even though I had people around me trying to pull me out of the water . I was just about to give up and let myself fall beneath the surface , when I felt a hand grab my arm and lift me up . I looked into the eyes of my rescuer . The bright hazel colored eyes that penetrated my soul and brought down every barrier I had built . I looked back into his eyes and felt the pain be washed away . The tears stopped and I regained my composition . I took several deep breaths and calmed myself down . I sat up straight , never looking away from Lucas ' eyes . They made me feel safe . I nodded at him , but remained silent . I didn 't know what to do now . This was the most vulnerable I 've ever felt in my life . For the first time since my mom 's funeral , I cried in front of another person . I knew he felt the tension boiling inside me , so he wrapped his arms around me again to comfort me . I got up and put the movie in and pressed play . I sat back into the chair and he moved back onto his bed . I noticed he kept looking at me as if I were about to shatter into a million pieces . He walked over to his bookshelf , and I noticed his slight limp again . He turned around smiling with the case of October Sky in his hands . I must have had a worried look on my face or something because his smile disappeared and his eyes glazed over a bit . " It 's ok , " he said , " I talked to Jonathan this morning and he told me everything . He seemed so proud of it , so I yelled at him . Then he said , ' It 's not like I raped him or anything , ' and the next thing I knew , my fist flew into his face . I knocked him on the ground and he kicked me in the hip when I leaned in to help him up . " I smiled at him and he smiled back . At that moment , I felt like we were floating in a space of nothingness . There was nothing to worry about except whether or not we were flying or falling . That 's how it was with Lucas . I could be flying or falling , and it would make no difference to me . It was a challenge to be open with him , but at the same time I felt completely safe . We watched the movie in near silence . Apparently we both loved this movie so much that we could nearly recite the script . I swear at one point I saw him mouthing some of the words . But he just blushed and looked away from me . Lucas made me feel different than my other friends did . I didn 't have to worry about what I said or how I said it . I didn 't have to worry about whether or not I stepped on his toes . I didn 't have to worry about anything really . All I had to do was be myself and let him see my vulnerable side every once in a while . * * * It was nearly 11 at night when I got back to my dorm room . Jonathan was sitting at his desk . I could see very clearly where Lucas clocked him . I couldn 't help but smirk a little about it . " Look you little shit , " I said , " I really don 't care if you do drugs . You can OD on the shit for all I care . But if you EVER slip any of my friends any drugs again without them knowing about it , I swear to God I will rip off your balls and shove em down your throat . " " Do you have any idea what I did to people like you at my high school ? " I asked , " Well it would be NOTHING compared to what I would do to you if you came within 5 feet of Henry ever again . Do you understand me ? " He nodded with fear . I released my grip on his shirt and walked away from him . I didn 't hear him move at all , but when I looked back he was opening the door to leave . Wow ! How great to see Aaron being so vulnerable in telling Luke about his mother . Trusting another person so deeply takes a lot of fortitude . Then , along with Luke , being so protective of another friend . A maturity is growing within him and it suits him well . I like that he and Luke are bonding so well . Awesome chapter , ITC . Great work , ITC ! I love how comfortable he 's becoming with Luke . I can really feel this story going somewhere great ! I also enjoyed how both of them stood up for Henry , especially Aaron who only had Luke 's word on the matter . Aw ! THAT is Fantastic ! ! This is a Good story , itc ! THANK YOU ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote Page 1 of 9

Hey guys , so as promised I 've started on a new story . I 've been tweaking it for a couple days now , and I think it 's finally ready for public eyes . I wanna give a quick thanks to everyone who read and supported Graduation . And those who didn 't , well you should go read it : Graduation The clock that hung from the wall ticked loudly through the silence as the pendulum swung from side to side . I had probably been sitting there for 3 minutes without saying a word . What could I say though ? There was nothing on my mind and she seemed stubborn enough to not be the first one to break the silence between us . " Well , it 's really nothing huge . It 's just a bunch of little things . Homework , tests , social ties … stuff like that , " I said . The woman gently uncrossed and re - crossed her legs as she took a sip of her coffee . She stared at me beneath rectangular , black - rimmed glasses as if to signal me to continue . I really didn 't know what to say . I wasn 't even here by my own choice . Stupid school requirements were forcing me to come here . Apparently , when one student kills themselves , every other student must be suicidal as well . " I don 't know . I try to remind myself that I 'm actually doing pretty well in life . I think about that girl Rachel , the one who shot herself , and I just think about how messed up things must have been for her , " I said . " Not really , no . I mean , I didn 't actually know her so her death doesn 't make me sad . But I feel compassion for the people that cared about her . I 've seen them around and they look pretty fucked up , " I said . " It 's fine . No one is going to get mad at you here . I can have a fucking dirty mouth too sometimes , " she said with a smile . I smiled back at her , but it was just a courtesy smile . I really didn 't think I belonged here . On the outside , I was just a normal college student trying his best to do well in life . On the inside , I didn 't really care about much . All over , I was just your typical everyday teenager who just wanted to fit in and be accepted . " She 's great . We 've been friends since Junior High . She brings out the best kind of person in me . When I 'm around her , I just feel so free it 's as if I could be anyone I wanted to be , " I said . " There 's Carly 's boyfriend , Mike . He 's an ok guy . I wouldn 't consider him one of my best friends , but it 's important to Carly that I like him , so I do , " I said . " Well Aaron , from what I 've gathered there is no need for you to be in therapy . You are perfectly normal in every visual way . I 'll write up a dismissal form for you to turn in at the administrator 's office on campus … unless you want to tell me something else ? " she asked . We sat down at one of the picnic tables that were scattered around the campus . Carly dug right into her food but I just sat there playing with mine with my fork . The fork got stuck and I ended up flicking an olive into the air . I eyed her expression up and down . I was trying to tell if she was pulling my leg or if she was honestly suggesting this . She noticed me studying her face and stared back at me with a raised eyebrow . " Quite possibly , but more importantly I 'm actually serious . You 're so bitter and sarcastic all the time . You never actually talk about what 's bothering you , " she said . After Carly took off to her Philosophy class , I decided to walk around campus . My thought train was on several different tracks as it always was . The first track stayed focused on what I would talk about with the counselor . Would she ask me questions again , or would I have to come up with stuff on my own ? What if I couldn 't think of anything to say ? Did it really matter ? I shook my head at the thought . It didn 't matter at all because it wasn 't necessary . It 's not like there 's anything wrong with me . What 's a psychiatrist going to tell me that I don 't already know ? Whatever , it was for Carly anyway . As long as she was content with me then I was happy . She has no need to worry about me , and this was the only way to prove it to her . My second track was thinking about Rachel . Not about her death , but who she really was . I tried to come up with a picture of what her life was like before she killed herself . The news report said her brother and three of her friends were there when she did it . They said she tried to kill one of them , but her brother stopped her . It made me think that her brother was really close to her and meant a lot to her . But why would she kill herself instead of get help ? Did she really not want to live anymore or did she feel so ashamed about what she did that her brother wouldn 't love her anymore ? It was a sad thought , but I figured anyone who is desperate enough to kill themselves if it meant the pain would stop then she was beyond help . It was a sad thought sure , but it didn 't make me sad . Her brother must have had it rough though . If I had a brother or a sister , then I would probably be able to imagine what he felt . But I didn 't , so I didn 't care very much . My third track was about all the new people moving into the dorms after what happened . There were so few people living in the dorms before that I was able to live alone , but now I was being assigned a roommate . Joy . Another person that I have to socialize with every day , just what I wanted . I finally jumped off my thought train and looked at my watch realizing that it was 1 : 30 already . I decided to head back to the dorm and wait for my new roommate . When I walked past the main Administrator 's Office , I turned the corner sharply and accidentally bumped into someone . I hit my head against theirs and fell down on my ass . He lowered his hand towards me to lift me up . I rubbed my head with my left hand as I took his extended arm with my right . He pulled me up and steadied me . As my vision refocused I was able to see his face . He had a pair of bright green eyes fixated on me while I regained my balance . I took a step forward and wobbled a little . He grabbed my shoulder and laughed a little . Once I got my balance back I laughed a little as well and shook my head . " You want me to walk with you and make sure you don 't pass out ? " he asked flashing me his bright smile . We walked across the campus together , every now and then I would stumble a little and he caught me before I tripped over myself . Each time I did it he let out a chuckle . I probably looked like a complete idiot . We were about halfway across the campus when he started talking to me randomly . I looked up at him and admired him a little . I wasn 't a very creative person , and I respected those that were . I couldn 't draw anything to save my life , but I like looking at the work of those that could . He looked at me as we stopped outside of the north dorm building . His bright hazel eyes glimmered in the light from the sun . I studied them as discretely as I could and noticed that there was a hint of gold around the edges . He smiled and revealed a set of bright white teeth that would make a dentist jealous . I didn 't know what he was smiling at , so I raised an eyebrow at him . As he walked away , I tried to study what made him tick , and what made those thoughts slip out of my mind . Even with Carly , I kept all of my sarcasm in my head so I didn 't offend her at all . There was something different about Luke that I couldn 't quite put my finger on . He was like a book full of analogies and metaphors that made my brain itch . He was confusing and yet , I felt like I understood him at the same time . The only thing I didn 't understand was that bizarre question and answer session while we were walking . Did he honestly care if I was ok even though he just met me ? That had to be it ; and that officially made him tomorrow 's problem . Today 's problem was probably already upstairs unpacking it 's shit , and I had to go meet it and make nice with it for the rest of the semester . He was probably some weak little brainiac that was so afraid of the world that he had to move in with the big boys . It 's just what I needed this semester ; to be some pathetic genius ' bodyguard . I flopped down on my bed and closed my eyes for a moment . My thoughts instantly drifted to Lucas … I mean Luke . What was his deal ? No one could be that nice to someone they just met . Fuck , now I was obsessing . I opened my eyes and rubbed the spot on my forehead where his head hit mine . Just then the door popped open and my new roommate stepped inside , followed closely by that awkward moment . I think I 'm going to like this story ! Off to a really great start . I think I have a feeling who Aaron 's new roommate is going to be BTW , I LOVED Graduation ! ! ! You have such compelling storylines and I have a feeling I won 't be disappointed with this one either . Can 't wait for more ! ! already I have noticed some parallels ! rachel killed herself in " Graduation " and also had a brother who was concerned - - same here . I 'm guessing lucas / luke is the love interest ? he has sparking green eyes ( and a killer smile ) , just like Cameron . Reply With Quote July 18th , 2009 , 10 : 56 PM Hmmm ! Haven 't read " Graduation " . . . yet ! . . . but , I 'm liking this one . . . a LOT ! PLEASE keep up the great work ! I 'm definitely looking forward to reading more of YOU ! Very interesting perspective ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote July 19th , 2009 , 01 : 16 AM How great to sign on today and see one of my favorite authors had started a new story . I like the approach this one has and as ASDF pointed out , there are the parallels with " Graduation . " Who would have thought that a tragic event such as Rachael killing herself would have such a wide effect on someone that didn 't even know her . I can tell this is going to be as brilliant a story as " Graduation " but with an entirely new cast of characters . Looking forward to a long read . already I have noticed some parallels ! rachel killed herself in " Graduation " and also had a brother who was concerned - - same here . I 'm guessing lucas / luke is the love interest ? he has sparking green eyes ( and a killer smile ) , just like Cameron . Oops looks like I overlooked something while I was editing . His eyes were supposed to be Hazel . I guess I just missed that one And I 'm glad you guys like it so far . I 'm gonna start chapter two today and hopefully be finished soon . Thanks for the support guys ! Great start ! I really enjoyed " Graduation " , I think I 'll like this story too . Looking forward to chapter 2 already ! Reply With Quote July 23rd , 2009 , 05 : 34 AM ITC this is a great beginning . Looking forward to more . I know that it will be just as fantastic as Graduation and I think you know by now that that story was the greatest . H & K " He 's ok . He 's kinda quiet though . After he unpacked he just sat at his desk playing games on his computer , " I said . Henry and I were sitting in the Student Hall on campus . The building was amazing . It had a big sitting / study area on the main floor , a library on the second floor , and a bunch of little shops , food places , and even a bowling alley in the underground area . I sat on my favorite couch in the room and Henry sat in the armchair sitting adjacent to me . I turned around and looked at the doors behind me . Jonathan was standing there looking awkwardly into the crowd for a place to sit down . I couldn 't help but feel sorry for him . He honestly looked like a guy who just needed a friend . He turned his head and saw me staring at him , so I gave a kind of half wave at him . He looked away instantly and walked towards the stairs . Jonathan stopped dead in his tracks . He looked over at us and saw Henry waving him over to our area . I could see his hesitation and smell his fear from where I was sitting . I nodded at him when he turned his dark brown eyes to me . After a moment of awkward pause , he shifted his feet and walked slowly over to us . I found myself hating him a little bit . Not because he was so awkward , but because he didn 't seem to even want a social life . It was as if he was battling with himself on the inside , and I couldn 't tell if he was winning or losing . He was very difficult to read and for that , I couldn 't help but hate him . No one has been able to hide themselves from me for very long , but this kid was actually giving me a challenge . As he sat down on the opposite end of the couch I was sitting on , there was an awkward moment of silence between us . I gave a quick stink eye at him when he sat on my couch , but hid it before he or Henry could see it . I turned my attention to my laptop which had the website , Fmylife open . Henry noticed my shift in focus and started talking to Jonathan . Tuning out their conversation , I retreated into my thoughts . I nodded at appropriate times and feigned interest like I always did . To be honest , the conversations about this Rachel girl were getting repetitive . Someone who had minimal interaction with her would find someone else who had even less interaction with her and express what a " shock " it was when it happened . I was a little surprised when my thoughts crossed over the pain in my forehead , and suddenly all I could think of was Lucas . He perplexed me . He seemed to genuinely care about my wellbeing , but yet he didn 't ask for my number or ask to walk me up to my room or whatever . I concluded on the thought that he really didn 't care , and that he was just making sure I didn 't want to sue him or anything . My thoughts were interrupted by Henry 's voice . * * * Walking into the club , I heard the sounds of my favorite band , Paramore . Carly immediately began dancing to the tune of Crushcrushcrush as we were walking down the stairs to the main floor of the club . She flung her dark brown hair around in sync with the beat of the song and she pulled Mike out to the dance floor . Henry and I sat at the bar and saw Jonathan walking down the stairs . He was closely followed by Lucas and his eyes magnetically stuck to mine from across the room . I saw a smile creep across his face . He and Jonathan made their way over to the bar , but our eyes never separated . His were full of amusement , while mine were filled with annoyance . I gave him a glare and he burst into laughter . Jonathan and Henry broke off and started chatting while Lucas and I had a couple drinks . Lucas and I just sat at the bar talking about the music they were playing . I sat there stunned for a moment . No way were he and I in the same place at the same time worshiping the same band . I must have been staring for a few minutes because he broke me out of my trance by waving his hand in my face . We sat there as the final line of a song neither of us was paying attention to finished . Eagerly awaiting the next song to play , I looked around and noticed that everyone else was gone . The DJ shut off the sound system and the bartender told us they were closing in a few minutes . We stared at each other with wide eyes and disbelief . He got off his stool and motioned towards the staircase . I wiped my hands on my jeans and walked past him up the stairs . The cool , crisp air outside felt refreshing after being inside for God knows how long . I stretched a bit as Lucas emerged out of the stairway and chuckled at me . He smiled at me and I smiled back . It was then that I realized that I was doing exactly what I didn 't want to do . Acting on instinct , my mind took over and I broke this moment between us . I tried desperately to think of a rational excuse to keep from walking back with him , but failed miserably . I just nodded and walked beside him , not saying a word the whole mile and a half to the dorm . He tried to talk to me , but I made it very clear that I was " too tired to think " so he gave up after the third avoided question . We walked up the stairs of the dorm building and stood outside my room for a moment . Lucas burst into laughter that carried across the courtyard . We walked into the other dorm building and up the stairs to the third floor where Lucas ' room was . This building was much younger and nicer than the one I was living in . We walked into the room and my jaw nearly fell off when I saw the interior . It was at least twice as big as my room , and he didn 't even have a roommate . I went into the bathroom to take a piss and change and I came out to see him already under his covers . I walked softly over to the bed and sat down on it . As usual , I went over the day 's events in my head as a way of cataloguing any significance in any moment . I stopped at the brief moment between Lucas and I outside the club and couldn 't decide if that was significant . Without thinking , I blurted out a question to Lucas . I turned over and lay down on the bed . I stared at the ceiling and kept thinking about that exchange of smiles . As much as I disliked the idea , I had found a new friend in Lucas Harper . That wasn 't what was bothering me though . The issue I was bumping up against was whether or not I would drive him away . He was so different from the people I was friends with . Carly and Henry were just as closed of as I was … I mean am . But Lucas has a warming quality that I was afraid of breaking . I turned over , facing away from Lucas , and started drifting off to sleep . I could hear him lightly snoring from his bed behind me , and for the first time in a while , I let out a genuine laugh . It wasn 't forced or fake . And that 's when I realized that I actually liked Lucas . I was friends with Henry because we were in the same social group and had similar taste in music . I was friends with Carly because we 've been together nearly since birth . And right now , I couldn 't really tell if I actually liked either of them . THANK YOU ! , itc ! Excellent ! Been waiting for this 2nd chapter , and , in the mean time , read " Graduation " ! Now I understand the " tie in " here . Fantastic ! ! I 'm truly enjoying your writing style ! And , especially appreciate your including Aaron 's " inner conversation " with himself . Definitely looking forward to more ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote August 10th , 2009 , 11 : 44 AM Happy to see an addition to the story . I am certain Aaron and Lucas are going to be very good friends . . . . . . . . . . . . hopefully more . Like Littletosay , I wonder if Henry and Jonathan are getting to know each other . . . lol Great chapter ITC ! I felt the vibrations of my phone beneath my pillow . It was just loud enough to wake me , but not enough to stir Lucas out of his sleep . I slowly and quietly changed clothes and left his room . The sun was barely coming up and all I could think of was how much I missed my mother . I clutched the locket that hid beneath my shirt as my breathing became heavy with grief . I looked away from the sunrise and just walked around for a little while . I felt bad for leaving Lucas like that , but it was pointless for me to let myself get close to someone else . I listened to the voice in my head telling me that I had enough . Any more than what I already have would just make things harder . I would have just left it at that , but then I heard a voice I hadn 't heard in a long time . There was a name I hadn 't thought of in years . He was a lot like Lucas , or at least what I 've witnessed from Lucas so far . We complemented each other like cheese and macaroni . Everyone thought we were twins because between the two of us , we knew everything . We were like two halves of an apple . At least , until his dad 's company relocated his family to a small town three states away . That was about two years before I met Henry . If it weren 't for Carly I wouldn 't have even had Henry . But life has been hard enough since then , I don 't need someone else who I am certain will cause me pain one day . The argument in my mind subsided as I once again listened to my negativity and decided that Lucas was too good for me to even try to be his friend . I passed through the doors of my dorm building and saw Henry laying on one of the couches in the lounge . He looked totally smashed from last night . I walked up to him and flicked his ear . When I got him up to his dorm room , I went back downstairs to mine to see if Jonathan was still there . I looked at my watch and it was now 7 : 30 a . m . I poked my head into the room and saw that no one was inside . It reeked of sex so I grabbed the air freshener and just blasted it around the room . I sat on my bed and dropped my head into my hands for a moment . I actually didn 't know Henry as well as I thought . He could have done it himself , but I didn 't want to believe it . I especially didn 't want to because it was our usually breakfast day . It was the only morning the three of us had off at the same time , so we went to the local IHOP and caught up with the week 's events . I shoved my sausages into my mouth and listened to Carly drone on about her and Mike . I honestly couldn 't care less , but as usual I feigned interest and kept any conflict to a minimum . At any second I expected my thoughts to drift away from Carly incessant yammering . And there it was . I forgot my wallet . I don 't even remember where I put it . I felt around all my pockets and nothing . Thankfully it was Carly 's day to pay so I didn 't have to worry as much . * * * I sat down in my chair near the door and planted my face in my arms . I absolutely hated this class . Well , more the professor than the class . He and I were total opposites and we viewed the world completely differently . We constantly argued about the " meaning " of everything since I just believe that the world is in constant chaos and things just happen . We never agreed on anything and being the asshole I am , I always had to argue my point until both of us gave up , or he kicked me out of the class . He walked away towards the back of the room . I saw him sit down in the back row and felt a rush of guilt overwhelm me . I got up and went to sit next to him . " I just assigned a report . You partner up with someone you don 't know or barely know and study them . Then you write a full report about why you think they are the way they are , " he said . I looked at Lucas and he looked back at me . A smile began to penetrate the stern look on his face that he was holding for so long , but he quickly stopped it . I held up my hand to ask a question and Robbins took a deep breath . I smiled when he turned away . I don 't know what made me feel better , freaking out the entire class , or having an academic reason to be friends with Lucas . I turned to Lucas with the smile still on my face and saw the shock on his . He stared at me in disbelief as I chuckled at everyone 's confusion . When class was dismissed , Lucas and I walked towards the parking lot together . There was silence between us that I wanted him to be the one to break . I wanted to think of something to say , but my mind was running on empty . " I 'm sorry , I really can 't . I promised Carly I 'd go see that counselor again . I have to go around 6 : 30 . " I said . I was . The first genuine smile on my face in two years , and Lucas was causing it . I had no idea what that actually meant . I just knew that I wanted to be around Lucas as much as I possibly could . We sat down at one of the tables outside . The light breeze swept through the little junction of stores . Lucas jumped face first into his sandwich while I slowly picked at my pasta . " Ok , " I said pulling the small locket out from under my shirt collar , " This locket belonged to my mother . She bought it one day when we went to Sea World . She always loved dolphins and when she saw this … she said it was the third time in her life that she was absolutely certain about something she wanted . " " I found it one day shortly before I left for school , and I put a picture of her in it . I wear it everyday to remind myself that what I 'm doing is important for me . No matter how far away I am , when I 'm wearing this locket I feel like I 'm right where I belong . " " Alright well , when I was a kid I always wanted to have a dog . My neighbor had a Doberman puppy and I was absolutely in love with it . But my dad was crazy allergic to dog hair , so we couldn 't have one , " he said . " Yeah … so anyway , when I was like 8 or 9 , my dad had a business trip up in Lake Tahoe , so my parents decided to just make it into a family vacation since it was during the summer . My mom and I were walking down a little junction of stores and I walked by this toy store . I looked in the window and saw this little Doberman Beanie Baby , " he said . " I know , I know , guys and Beanie Babies just don 't really mix , but I was just a kid . I begged my mom for like 20 minutes to buy it for me until she was finally convinced that it would keep me from begging for a real dog . As soon as I got it in my arms , I was never apart from it . I loved that dog so much , " he said . I looked at Lucas completely differently . The compassion and kindness that he had wasn 't something he did voluntarily . From his story , I could tell that it was just natural for him . I smiled back at him and nodded . At that moment , it was like everything slowed down . I looked into his bright hazel eyes and saw the vulnerability . I wasn 't looking at his vulnerability , but I could see myself in the reflection of his eyes . I was looking at mine . I had never told anyone about the locket I held with me everyday . I never reached that level of connection with anyone . And yet , here I sat with a near stranger , and I just spilled information about one of my greatest possessions without much provocation from him . It was like that deal between us established a trust that would take most people years to build . We instantly had a " You give , I give " connection . It felt amazing not only to trust someone so easily , but also to be trusted by that person with the same level of ease . I felt different , almost refreshed . I could feel the changes happening inside me . The warmth I locked away so many years ago was bubbling to the surface and pushing out the cold , logical , and emotionless version of me . That was an amazing chapter . I 'm really feeling for Luke and Aaron now . Hopefully they 'll get to be better friends . . . if Aaron 's head doesn 't do him in . What a great story - so well written ! I love the way you let us in to AAron 's inner voices . . . and I could feel the connection happening - blossoming ! I am an incurable romantic - I am loving this ! ! ! Hugs ! Reply With Quote August 15th , 2009 , 09 : 00 PM That was a wonderfully warm and touching chapter . Trust like that does not come easily . I have a feeling Aaron is going to be a little more reasonable with the counselor . He has something important to relay this time . Luke has that inner connection that anyone would be happy to share . Obviously he has some of the same concerns regarding friendships that Aaron has . I like the way things are going in this story . Eager to read the next chapter . Hey guys , so this chapter is a bit shorter but I wanted to get this part out of the way as soon as possible . I think I 've allowed you all get a better feel for Aaron in this chapter and I 'm going to bring in a few subtle hints and a few not so subtle hints with the next few chapters . Enjoy Wings of A Butterfly Veronica looked at me through her black rimmed glasses as I sat in the chair across from her . I subtly looked around the room to try and get a read on her in case I needed some ammo . She offered me a glass of tea , which I reluctantly accepted . Veronica examined me for a moment , as if to check for subtle hints that could actually lead her somewhere . She picked up her cup and sipped at her tea with her eyes closed . When she opened her eyes it was like a fire had been lit in her soul . She held more energy in them , as if she found something she could use . " I believe you agreed because you value your relationship with Carly , but you 're afraid of feeling vulnerable with another human being . So you fight them every step of the way , but you still end up doing things for them . You do it so you appear to care about them , but to also tell them that you wish you didn 't , " she said . " You think you know me after talking to me twice ? Well let me tell you something , you don 't know a thing about me . So you can sit up here in your little room with all your credentials hanging up on the wall and listen to other people complain about their problems . But me , I 'm going out there . I 'm going to do something that actually matters to the world . So you can take your assumptions about me and shove them up your ass because you have no idea why I am the way that I am . " I bolted out of my seat and stormed over towards the door . She was up and at the door faster than I could reach it . She held her hand against the door as I was trying to open it and storm out of the room . She looked calmly into my eyes and somehow forced the rage that was boiling under my skin to subside . She slowly walked back to her seat . As she sat down she motioned toward the chair for me to sit back down . I turned to face her and crossed my arms . " Before you can face whatever makes you afraid of connecting with other people , you need to tell at least one person what it is , " she said , " It doesn 't have to be me , it can be anyone . But until you tell someone , you 'll always be afraid of it . You 'll keep pushing people out of your life just as you 're about to get close to them . " Defeated , I walked back over to the chair across from her . I stared directly into her dark blue eyes . There was no anger or judgment in them . There was no hostility or restraint in mine either . I couldn 't see it , but I definitely felt it . " Aaron , there is no need for an apology . What you did was a classic outburst . In a way , it made it easier to see who you really are underneath this façade you portray , " she said . She looked up at me with confusion on her face . Her lips pursed and her brow wrinkled with intense thought . I noticed her right hand start flipping her pen around her fingers , something that my Psych professor said people do when they are working something over in their mind . She paused for a second . She put down her sandwich and kept her eyes low . She placed her arms on the table across her chest . Her eyes slowly looked up into mine and examined me for a moment . " Aaron , you haven 't been involved with any girl that I know of since I met you . You haven 't given any reason to believe that you 're straight . You 've never even stated whether you were straight or not . So yeah , I can believe that she may have thought so . " I grabbed my things and walked away . The wind was blowing gently , so I decided to follow it and see where it took me . I really didn 't care . It was Friday afternoon , and two days since I last saw Lucas . Me , being the idiot that I am , forgot to get his number . And both times I knocked on his door were not answered . I was walking by the Science and Health Studies building when a door opened and nearly hit me in the face . A crowd of students flew out the door and poured into the courtyard . Politely , I held the door open and waited for every last one of them to leave the room . The last person to leave was the last person I expected it to be . I rolled my eyes and pushed his shoulder . I didn 't even know where we were walking to , but we ended up at the east parking lot . I looked around for a moment in silence while standing next to Lucas waiting for the crosswalk to turn . He smiled and walked across the street with his golden hair being brushed by the light wind . As he walked away , I noticed he was slightly limping . I pushed it into the back of my mind for now and walked off towards the corner store with a small grin on my face . Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote August 17th , 2009 , 09 : 50 AM That was a very thought provoking chapter . It 's obvious Aaron can 't always stay on his sarcastic path . The counselor broke through and Luke has as well . He 's really not a bad ass after all . Now he has to come to terms with his sexuality and I hope Luke will begin that journey with him soon . Thanks for the update and looking for the next . Thanks for the speedy update . . . if only I could crank out quality work that quickly haha . I 'm VERY excited for the next chapter and to find out what this limp was all about . More more more ! ! ! Irish I knocked on his door three times , each knock slightly lower on the door than the other . I never noticed that I did it until now . Something about Lucas made me more aware of anything I did . Even my little weird things like my knock . The pizza in my left hand was starting to make my palm sweat , or at least that 's what I convinced myself was making it sweat . He opened the door and smiled at me . I opened the box and we each grabbed a slice . I sat back down in his chair and he flopped down on his bed and ate the slice in seconds . I laughed at him and he smiled awkwardly at me . A moment of silence passed between us as we ate . His eyes were glued to the ground and I could tell he was thinking of something that he wasn 't sure about saying . After I finished my slice , I took a deep breath . " Well it got me thinking , " he said , " And I thought about it all day . I 'm not trying to pry you for information or anything , but if you want we could make another deal . You tell me something , I 'll tell you something . " Lucas sat up and sat on the edge of his bed . He stared into my eyes and somehow , I felt a little better . The pain in my chest went away and I was able to hold the tears back a little better than before . " I came home from school one day and found her unconscious in the kitchen . I called 911 but it was too late . I found my mother dead that day . " " She worked so hard for me . She worked so hard to give me a good life … " I said , " But she never thought about what would happen to me if she was gone . " That did it . The tears pushed themselves out of my eyes and I fell forward into myself . Lucas stood up and kneeled down in front of me and caught me before I collapsed . He held me and I cried on his shoulder . " Aaron , that 's ok , " he said . He pulled me away from him and looked directly into my eyes . He placed both hands firmly , but gently , on my shoulders . " She obviously didn 't want you to know until it happened , " he said , " She was probably so scared about leaving you . She probably didn 't want you to have to live every single day in fear , and then have grief on top of that feeling after she died . It 's not wrong for you to be angry , but she probably didn 't tell you because of what knowing that she was going to die would do to you . " He looked firmly into my eyes . I could see his fixation , and from that I could tell that he did genuinely care about me . In my mind , I saw myself drowning . I couldn 't keep myself afloat , even though I had people around me trying to pull me out of the water . I was just about to give up and let myself fall beneath the surface , when I felt a hand grab my arm and lift me up . I looked into the eyes of my rescuer . The bright hazel colored eyes that penetrated my soul and brought down every barrier I had built . I looked back into his eyes and felt the pain be washed away . The tears stopped and I regained my composition . I took several deep breaths and calmed myself down . I sat up straight , never looking away from Lucas ' eyes . They made me feel safe . I nodded at him , but remained silent . I didn 't know what to do now . This was the most vulnerable I 've ever felt in my life . For the first time since my mom 's funeral , I cried in front of another person . I knew he felt the tension boiling inside me , so he wrapped his arms around me again to comfort me . I got up and put the movie in and pressed play . I sat back into the chair and he moved back onto his bed . I noticed he kept looking at me as if I were about to shatter into a million pieces . He walked over to his bookshelf , and I noticed his slight limp again . He turned around smiling with the case of October Sky in his hands . I must have had a worried look on my face or something because his smile disappeared and his eyes glazed over a bit . " It 's ok , " he said , " I talked to Jonathan this morning and he told me everything . He seemed so proud of it , so I yelled at him . Then he said , ' It 's not like I raped him or anything , ' and the next thing I knew , my fist flew into his face . I knocked him on the ground and he kicked me in the hip when I leaned in to help him up . " I smiled at him and he smiled back . At that moment , I felt like we were floating in a space of nothingness . There was nothing to worry about except whether or not we were flying or falling . That 's how it was with Lucas . I could be flying or falling , and it would make no difference to me . It was a challenge to be open with him , but at the same time I felt completely safe . We watched the movie in near silence . Apparently we both loved this movie so much that we could nearly recite the script . I swear at one point I saw him mouthing some of the words . But he just blushed and looked away from me . Lucas made me feel different than my other friends did . I didn 't have to worry about what I said or how I said it . I didn 't have to worry about whether or not I stepped on his toes . I didn 't have to worry about anything really . All I had to do was be myself and let him see my vulnerable side every once in a while . * * * It was nearly 11 at night when I got back to my dorm room . Jonathan was sitting at his desk . I could see very clearly where Lucas clocked him . I couldn 't help but smirk a little about it . " Look you little shit , " I said , " I really don 't care if you do drugs . You can OD on the shit for all I care . But if you EVER slip any of my friends any drugs again without them knowing about it , I swear to God I will rip off your balls and shove em down your throat . " " Do you have any idea what I did to people like you at my high school ? " I asked , " Well it would be NOTHING compared to what I would do to you if you came within 5 feet of Henry ever again . Do you understand me ? " He nodded with fear . I released my grip on his shirt and walked away from him . I didn 't hear him move at all , but when I looked back he was opening the door to leave . Wow ! How great to see Aaron being so vulnerable in telling Luke about his mother . Trusting another person so deeply takes a lot of fortitude . Then , along with Luke , being so protective of another friend . A maturity is growing within him and it suits him well . I like that he and Luke are bonding so well . Awesome chapter , ITC . Great work , ITC ! I love how comfortable he 's becoming with Luke . I can really feel this story going somewhere great ! I also enjoyed how both of them stood up for Henry , especially Aaron who only had Luke 's word on the matter . Aw ! THAT is Fantastic ! ! This is a Good story , itc ! THANK YOU ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote Page 1 of 9

Hey guys , so as promised I 've started on a new story . I 've been tweaking it for a couple days now , and I think it 's finally ready for public eyes . I wanna give a quick thanks to everyone who read and supported Graduation . And those who didn 't , well you should go read it : Graduation The clock that hung from the wall ticked loudly through the silence as the pendulum swung from side to side . I had probably been sitting there for 3 minutes without saying a word . What could I say though ? There was nothing on my mind and she seemed stubborn enough to not be the first one to break the silence between us . " Well , it 's really nothing huge . It 's just a bunch of little things . Homework , tests , social ties … stuff like that , " I said . The woman gently uncrossed and re - crossed her legs as she took a sip of her coffee . She stared at me beneath rectangular , black - rimmed glasses as if to signal me to continue . I really didn 't know what to say . I wasn 't even here by my own choice . Stupid school requirements were forcing me to come here . Apparently , when one student kills themselves , every other student must be suicidal as well . " I don 't know . I try to remind myself that I 'm actually doing pretty well in life . I think about that girl Rachel , the one who shot herself , and I just think about how messed up things must have been for her , " I said . " Not really , no . I mean , I didn 't actually know her so her death doesn 't make me sad . But I feel compassion for the people that cared about her . I 've seen them around and they look pretty fucked up , " I said . " It 's fine . No one is going to get mad at you here . I can have a fucking dirty mouth too sometimes , " she said with a smile . I smiled back at her , but it was just a courtesy smile . I really didn 't think I belonged here . On the outside , I was just a normal college student trying his best to do well in life . On the inside , I didn 't really care about much . All over , I was just your typical everyday teenager who just wanted to fit in and be accepted . " She 's great . We 've been friends since Junior High . She brings out the best kind of person in me . When I 'm around her , I just feel so free it 's as if I could be anyone I wanted to be , " I said . " There 's Carly 's boyfriend , Mike . He 's an ok guy . I wouldn 't consider him one of my best friends , but it 's important to Carly that I like him , so I do , " I said . " Well Aaron , from what I 've gathered there is no need for you to be in therapy . You are perfectly normal in every visual way . I 'll write up a dismissal form for you to turn in at the administrator 's office on campus … unless you want to tell me something else ? " she asked . We sat down at one of the picnic tables that were scattered around the campus . Carly dug right into her food but I just sat there playing with mine with my fork . The fork got stuck and I ended up flicking an olive into the air . I eyed her expression up and down . I was trying to tell if she was pulling my leg or if she was honestly suggesting this . She noticed me studying her face and stared back at me with a raised eyebrow . " Quite possibly , but more importantly I 'm actually serious . You 're so bitter and sarcastic all the time . You never actually talk about what 's bothering you , " she said . After Carly took off to her Philosophy class , I decided to walk around campus . My thought train was on several different tracks as it always was . The first track stayed focused on what I would talk about with the counselor . Would she ask me questions again , or would I have to come up with stuff on my own ? What if I couldn 't think of anything to say ? Did it really matter ? I shook my head at the thought . It didn 't matter at all because it wasn 't necessary . It 's not like there 's anything wrong with me . What 's a psychiatrist going to tell me that I don 't already know ? Whatever , it was for Carly anyway . As long as she was content with me then I was happy . She has no need to worry about me , and this was the only way to prove it to her . My second track was thinking about Rachel . Not about her death , but who she really was . I tried to come up with a picture of what her life was like before she killed herself . The news report said her brother and three of her friends were there when she did it . They said she tried to kill one of them , but her brother stopped her . It made me think that her brother was really close to her and meant a lot to her . But why would she kill herself instead of get help ? Did she really not want to live anymore or did she feel so ashamed about what she did that her brother wouldn 't love her anymore ? It was a sad thought , but I figured anyone who is desperate enough to kill themselves if it meant the pain would stop then she was beyond help . It was a sad thought sure , but it didn 't make me sad . Her brother must have had it rough though . If I had a brother or a sister , then I would probably be able to imagine what he felt . But I didn 't , so I didn 't care very much . My third track was about all the new people moving into the dorms after what happened . There were so few people living in the dorms before that I was able to live alone , but now I was being assigned a roommate . Joy . Another person that I have to socialize with every day , just what I wanted . I finally jumped off my thought train and looked at my watch realizing that it was 1 : 30 already . I decided to head back to the dorm and wait for my new roommate . When I walked past the main Administrator 's Office , I turned the corner sharply and accidentally bumped into someone . I hit my head against theirs and fell down on my ass . He lowered his hand towards me to lift me up . I rubbed my head with my left hand as I took his extended arm with my right . He pulled me up and steadied me . As my vision refocused I was able to see his face . He had a pair of bright green eyes fixated on me while I regained my balance . I took a step forward and wobbled a little . He grabbed my shoulder and laughed a little . Once I got my balance back I laughed a little as well and shook my head . " You want me to walk with you and make sure you don 't pass out ? " he asked flashing me his bright smile . We walked across the campus together , every now and then I would stumble a little and he caught me before I tripped over myself . Each time I did it he let out a chuckle . I probably looked like a complete idiot . We were about halfway across the campus when he started talking to me randomly . I looked up at him and admired him a little . I wasn 't a very creative person , and I respected those that were . I couldn 't draw anything to save my life , but I like looking at the work of those that could . He looked at me as we stopped outside of the north dorm building . His bright hazel eyes glimmered in the light from the sun . I studied them as discretely as I could and noticed that there was a hint of gold around the edges . He smiled and revealed a set of bright white teeth that would make a dentist jealous . I didn 't know what he was smiling at , so I raised an eyebrow at him . As he walked away , I tried to study what made him tick , and what made those thoughts slip out of my mind . Even with Carly , I kept all of my sarcasm in my head so I didn 't offend her at all . There was something different about Luke that I couldn 't quite put my finger on . He was like a book full of analogies and metaphors that made my brain itch . He was confusing and yet , I felt like I understood him at the same time . The only thing I didn 't understand was that bizarre question and answer session while we were walking . Did he honestly care if I was ok even though he just met me ? That had to be it ; and that officially made him tomorrow 's problem . Today 's problem was probably already upstairs unpacking it 's shit , and I had to go meet it and make nice with it for the rest of the semester . He was probably some weak little brainiac that was so afraid of the world that he had to move in with the big boys . It 's just what I needed this semester ; to be some pathetic genius ' bodyguard . I flopped down on my bed and closed my eyes for a moment . My thoughts instantly drifted to Lucas … I mean Luke . What was his deal ? No one could be that nice to someone they just met . Fuck , now I was obsessing . I opened my eyes and rubbed the spot on my forehead where his head hit mine . Just then the door popped open and my new roommate stepped inside , followed closely by that awkward moment . I think I 'm going to like this story ! Off to a really great start . I think I have a feeling who Aaron 's new roommate is going to be BTW , I LOVED Graduation ! ! ! You have such compelling storylines and I have a feeling I won 't be disappointed with this one either . Can 't wait for more ! ! already I have noticed some parallels ! rachel killed herself in " Graduation " and also had a brother who was concerned - - same here . I 'm guessing lucas / luke is the love interest ? he has sparking green eyes ( and a killer smile ) , just like Cameron . Reply With Quote July 18th , 2009 , 10 : 56 PM Hmmm ! Haven 't read " Graduation " . . . yet ! . . . but , I 'm liking this one . . . a LOT ! PLEASE keep up the great work ! I 'm definitely looking forward to reading more of YOU ! Very interesting perspective ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote July 19th , 2009 , 01 : 16 AM How great to sign on today and see one of my favorite authors had started a new story . I like the approach this one has and as ASDF pointed out , there are the parallels with " Graduation . " Who would have thought that a tragic event such as Rachael killing herself would have such a wide effect on someone that didn 't even know her . I can tell this is going to be as brilliant a story as " Graduation " but with an entirely new cast of characters . Looking forward to a long read . already I have noticed some parallels ! rachel killed herself in " Graduation " and also had a brother who was concerned - - same here . I 'm guessing lucas / luke is the love interest ? he has sparking green eyes ( and a killer smile ) , just like Cameron . Oops looks like I overlooked something while I was editing . His eyes were supposed to be Hazel . I guess I just missed that one And I 'm glad you guys like it so far . I 'm gonna start chapter two today and hopefully be finished soon . Thanks for the support guys ! Great start ! I really enjoyed " Graduation " , I think I 'll like this story too . Looking forward to chapter 2 already ! Reply With Quote July 23rd , 2009 , 05 : 34 AM ITC this is a great beginning . Looking forward to more . I know that it will be just as fantastic as Graduation and I think you know by now that that story was the greatest . H & K " He 's ok . He 's kinda quiet though . After he unpacked he just sat at his desk playing games on his computer , " I said . Henry and I were sitting in the Student Hall on campus . The building was amazing . It had a big sitting / study area on the main floor , a library on the second floor , and a bunch of little shops , food places , and even a bowling alley in the underground area . I sat on my favorite couch in the room and Henry sat in the armchair sitting adjacent to me . I turned around and looked at the doors behind me . Jonathan was standing there looking awkwardly into the crowd for a place to sit down . I couldn 't help but feel sorry for him . He honestly looked like a guy who just needed a friend . He turned his head and saw me staring at him , so I gave a kind of half wave at him . He looked away instantly and walked towards the stairs . Jonathan stopped dead in his tracks . He looked over at us and saw Henry waving him over to our area . I could see his hesitation and smell his fear from where I was sitting . I nodded at him when he turned his dark brown eyes to me . After a moment of awkward pause , he shifted his feet and walked slowly over to us . I found myself hating him a little bit . Not because he was so awkward , but because he didn 't seem to even want a social life . It was as if he was battling with himself on the inside , and I couldn 't tell if he was winning or losing . He was very difficult to read and for that , I couldn 't help but hate him . No one has been able to hide themselves from me for very long , but this kid was actually giving me a challenge . As he sat down on the opposite end of the couch I was sitting on , there was an awkward moment of silence between us . I gave a quick stink eye at him when he sat on my couch , but hid it before he or Henry could see it . I turned my attention to my laptop which had the website , Fmylife open . Henry noticed my shift in focus and started talking to Jonathan . Tuning out their conversation , I retreated into my thoughts . I nodded at appropriate times and feigned interest like I always did . To be honest , the conversations about this Rachel girl were getting repetitive . Someone who had minimal interaction with her would find someone else who had even less interaction with her and express what a " shock " it was when it happened . I was a little surprised when my thoughts crossed over the pain in my forehead , and suddenly all I could think of was Lucas . He perplexed me . He seemed to genuinely care about my wellbeing , but yet he didn 't ask for my number or ask to walk me up to my room or whatever . I concluded on the thought that he really didn 't care , and that he was just making sure I didn 't want to sue him or anything . My thoughts were interrupted by Henry 's voice . * * * Walking into the club , I heard the sounds of my favorite band , Paramore . Carly immediately began dancing to the tune of Crushcrushcrush as we were walking down the stairs to the main floor of the club . She flung her dark brown hair around in sync with the beat of the song and she pulled Mike out to the dance floor . Henry and I sat at the bar and saw Jonathan walking down the stairs . He was closely followed by Lucas and his eyes magnetically stuck to mine from across the room . I saw a smile creep across his face . He and Jonathan made their way over to the bar , but our eyes never separated . His were full of amusement , while mine were filled with annoyance . I gave him a glare and he burst into laughter . Jonathan and Henry broke off and started chatting while Lucas and I had a couple drinks . Lucas and I just sat at the bar talking about the music they were playing . I sat there stunned for a moment . No way were he and I in the same place at the same time worshiping the same band . I must have been staring for a few minutes because he broke me out of my trance by waving his hand in my face . We sat there as the final line of a song neither of us was paying attention to finished . Eagerly awaiting the next song to play , I looked around and noticed that everyone else was gone . The DJ shut off the sound system and the bartender told us they were closing in a few minutes . We stared at each other with wide eyes and disbelief . He got off his stool and motioned towards the staircase . I wiped my hands on my jeans and walked past him up the stairs . The cool , crisp air outside felt refreshing after being inside for God knows how long . I stretched a bit as Lucas emerged out of the stairway and chuckled at me . He smiled at me and I smiled back . It was then that I realized that I was doing exactly what I didn 't want to do . Acting on instinct , my mind took over and I broke this moment between us . I tried desperately to think of a rational excuse to keep from walking back with him , but failed miserably . I just nodded and walked beside him , not saying a word the whole mile and a half to the dorm . He tried to talk to me , but I made it very clear that I was " too tired to think " so he gave up after the third avoided question . We walked up the stairs of the dorm building and stood outside my room for a moment . Lucas burst into laughter that carried across the courtyard . We walked into the other dorm building and up the stairs to the third floor where Lucas ' room was . This building was much younger and nicer than the one I was living in . We walked into the room and my jaw nearly fell off when I saw the interior . It was at least twice as big as my room , and he didn 't even have a roommate . I went into the bathroom to take a piss and change and I came out to see him already under his covers . I walked softly over to the bed and sat down on it . As usual , I went over the day 's events in my head as a way of cataloguing any significance in any moment . I stopped at the brief moment between Lucas and I outside the club and couldn 't decide if that was significant . Without thinking , I blurted out a question to Lucas . I turned over and lay down on the bed . I stared at the ceiling and kept thinking about that exchange of smiles . As much as I disliked the idea , I had found a new friend in Lucas Harper . That wasn 't what was bothering me though . The issue I was bumping up against was whether or not I would drive him away . He was so different from the people I was friends with . Carly and Henry were just as closed of as I was … I mean am . But Lucas has a warming quality that I was afraid of breaking . I turned over , facing away from Lucas , and started drifting off to sleep . I could hear him lightly snoring from his bed behind me , and for the first time in a while , I let out a genuine laugh . It wasn 't forced or fake . And that 's when I realized that I actually liked Lucas . I was friends with Henry because we were in the same social group and had similar taste in music . I was friends with Carly because we 've been together nearly since birth . And right now , I couldn 't really tell if I actually liked either of them . THANK YOU ! , itc ! Excellent ! Been waiting for this 2nd chapter , and , in the mean time , read " Graduation " ! Now I understand the " tie in " here . Fantastic ! ! I 'm truly enjoying your writing style ! And , especially appreciate your including Aaron 's " inner conversation " with himself . Definitely looking forward to more ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote August 10th , 2009 , 11 : 44 AM Happy to see an addition to the story . I am certain Aaron and Lucas are going to be very good friends . . . . . . . . . . . . hopefully more . Like Littletosay , I wonder if Henry and Jonathan are getting to know each other . . . lol Great chapter ITC ! I felt the vibrations of my phone beneath my pillow . It was just loud enough to wake me , but not enough to stir Lucas out of his sleep . I slowly and quietly changed clothes and left his room . The sun was barely coming up and all I could think of was how much I missed my mother . I clutched the locket that hid beneath my shirt as my breathing became heavy with grief . I looked away from the sunrise and just walked around for a little while . I felt bad for leaving Lucas like that , but it was pointless for me to let myself get close to someone else . I listened to the voice in my head telling me that I had enough . Any more than what I already have would just make things harder . I would have just left it at that , but then I heard a voice I hadn 't heard in a long time . There was a name I hadn 't thought of in years . He was a lot like Lucas , or at least what I 've witnessed from Lucas so far . We complemented each other like cheese and macaroni . Everyone thought we were twins because between the two of us , we knew everything . We were like two halves of an apple . At least , until his dad 's company relocated his family to a small town three states away . That was about two years before I met Henry . If it weren 't for Carly I wouldn 't have even had Henry . But life has been hard enough since then , I don 't need someone else who I am certain will cause me pain one day . The argument in my mind subsided as I once again listened to my negativity and decided that Lucas was too good for me to even try to be his friend . I passed through the doors of my dorm building and saw Henry laying on one of the couches in the lounge . He looked totally smashed from last night . I walked up to him and flicked his ear . When I got him up to his dorm room , I went back downstairs to mine to see if Jonathan was still there . I looked at my watch and it was now 7 : 30 a . m . I poked my head into the room and saw that no one was inside . It reeked of sex so I grabbed the air freshener and just blasted it around the room . I sat on my bed and dropped my head into my hands for a moment . I actually didn 't know Henry as well as I thought . He could have done it himself , but I didn 't want to believe it . I especially didn 't want to because it was our usually breakfast day . It was the only morning the three of us had off at the same time , so we went to the local IHOP and caught up with the week 's events . I shoved my sausages into my mouth and listened to Carly drone on about her and Mike . I honestly couldn 't care less , but as usual I feigned interest and kept any conflict to a minimum . At any second I expected my thoughts to drift away from Carly incessant yammering . And there it was . I forgot my wallet . I don 't even remember where I put it . I felt around all my pockets and nothing . Thankfully it was Carly 's day to pay so I didn 't have to worry as much . * * * I sat down in my chair near the door and planted my face in my arms . I absolutely hated this class . Well , more the professor than the class . He and I were total opposites and we viewed the world completely differently . We constantly argued about the " meaning " of everything since I just believe that the world is in constant chaos and things just happen . We never agreed on anything and being the asshole I am , I always had to argue my point until both of us gave up , or he kicked me out of the class . He walked away towards the back of the room . I saw him sit down in the back row and felt a rush of guilt overwhelm me . I got up and went to sit next to him . " I just assigned a report . You partner up with someone you don 't know or barely know and study them . Then you write a full report about why you think they are the way they are , " he said . I looked at Lucas and he looked back at me . A smile began to penetrate the stern look on his face that he was holding for so long , but he quickly stopped it . I held up my hand to ask a question and Robbins took a deep breath . I smiled when he turned away . I don 't know what made me feel better , freaking out the entire class , or having an academic reason to be friends with Lucas . I turned to Lucas with the smile still on my face and saw the shock on his . He stared at me in disbelief as I chuckled at everyone 's confusion . When class was dismissed , Lucas and I walked towards the parking lot together . There was silence between us that I wanted him to be the one to break . I wanted to think of something to say , but my mind was running on empty . " I 'm sorry , I really can 't . I promised Carly I 'd go see that counselor again . I have to go around 6 : 30 . " I said . I was . The first genuine smile on my face in two years , and Lucas was causing it . I had no idea what that actually meant . I just knew that I wanted to be around Lucas as much as I possibly could . We sat down at one of the tables outside . The light breeze swept through the little junction of stores . Lucas jumped face first into his sandwich while I slowly picked at my pasta . " Ok , " I said pulling the small locket out from under my shirt collar , " This locket belonged to my mother . She bought it one day when we went to Sea World . She always loved dolphins and when she saw this … she said it was the third time in her life that she was absolutely certain about something she wanted . " " I found it one day shortly before I left for school , and I put a picture of her in it . I wear it everyday to remind myself that what I 'm doing is important for me . No matter how far away I am , when I 'm wearing this locket I feel like I 'm right where I belong . " " Alright well , when I was a kid I always wanted to have a dog . My neighbor had a Doberman puppy and I was absolutely in love with it . But my dad was crazy allergic to dog hair , so we couldn 't have one , " he said . " Yeah … so anyway , when I was like 8 or 9 , my dad had a business trip up in Lake Tahoe , so my parents decided to just make it into a family vacation since it was during the summer . My mom and I were walking down a little junction of stores and I walked by this toy store . I looked in the window and saw this little Doberman Beanie Baby , " he said . " I know , I know , guys and Beanie Babies just don 't really mix , but I was just a kid . I begged my mom for like 20 minutes to buy it for me until she was finally convinced that it would keep me from begging for a real dog . As soon as I got it in my arms , I was never apart from it . I loved that dog so much , " he said . I looked at Lucas completely differently . The compassion and kindness that he had wasn 't something he did voluntarily . From his story , I could tell that it was just natural for him . I smiled back at him and nodded . At that moment , it was like everything slowed down . I looked into his bright hazel eyes and saw the vulnerability . I wasn 't looking at his vulnerability , but I could see myself in the reflection of his eyes . I was looking at mine . I had never told anyone about the locket I held with me everyday . I never reached that level of connection with anyone . And yet , here I sat with a near stranger , and I just spilled information about one of my greatest possessions without much provocation from him . It was like that deal between us established a trust that would take most people years to build . We instantly had a " You give , I give " connection . It felt amazing not only to trust someone so easily , but also to be trusted by that person with the same level of ease . I felt different , almost refreshed . I could feel the changes happening inside me . The warmth I locked away so many years ago was bubbling to the surface and pushing out the cold , logical , and emotionless version of me . That was an amazing chapter . I 'm really feeling for Luke and Aaron now . Hopefully they 'll get to be better friends . . . if Aaron 's head doesn 't do him in . What a great story - so well written ! I love the way you let us in to AAron 's inner voices . . . and I could feel the connection happening - blossoming ! I am an incurable romantic - I am loving this ! ! ! Hugs ! Reply With Quote August 15th , 2009 , 09 : 00 PM That was a wonderfully warm and touching chapter . Trust like that does not come easily . I have a feeling Aaron is going to be a little more reasonable with the counselor . He has something important to relay this time . Luke has that inner connection that anyone would be happy to share . Obviously he has some of the same concerns regarding friendships that Aaron has . I like the way things are going in this story . Eager to read the next chapter . Hey guys , so this chapter is a bit shorter but I wanted to get this part out of the way as soon as possible . I think I 've allowed you all get a better feel for Aaron in this chapter and I 'm going to bring in a few subtle hints and a few not so subtle hints with the next few chapters . Enjoy Wings of A Butterfly Veronica looked at me through her black rimmed glasses as I sat in the chair across from her . I subtly looked around the room to try and get a read on her in case I needed some ammo . She offered me a glass of tea , which I reluctantly accepted . Veronica examined me for a moment , as if to check for subtle hints that could actually lead her somewhere . She picked up her cup and sipped at her tea with her eyes closed . When she opened her eyes it was like a fire had been lit in her soul . She held more energy in them , as if she found something she could use . " I believe you agreed because you value your relationship with Carly , but you 're afraid of feeling vulnerable with another human being . So you fight them every step of the way , but you still end up doing things for them . You do it so you appear to care about them , but to also tell them that you wish you didn 't , " she said . " You think you know me after talking to me twice ? Well let me tell you something , you don 't know a thing about me . So you can sit up here in your little room with all your credentials hanging up on the wall and listen to other people complain about their problems . But me , I 'm going out there . I 'm going to do something that actually matters to the world . So you can take your assumptions about me and shove them up your ass because you have no idea why I am the way that I am . " I bolted out of my seat and stormed over towards the door . She was up and at the door faster than I could reach it . She held her hand against the door as I was trying to open it and storm out of the room . She looked calmly into my eyes and somehow forced the rage that was boiling under my skin to subside . She slowly walked back to her seat . As she sat down she motioned toward the chair for me to sit back down . I turned to face her and crossed my arms . " Before you can face whatever makes you afraid of connecting with other people , you need to tell at least one person what it is , " she said , " It doesn 't have to be me , it can be anyone . But until you tell someone , you 'll always be afraid of it . You 'll keep pushing people out of your life just as you 're about to get close to them . " Defeated , I walked back over to the chair across from her . I stared directly into her dark blue eyes . There was no anger or judgment in them . There was no hostility or restraint in mine either . I couldn 't see it , but I definitely felt it . " Aaron , there is no need for an apology . What you did was a classic outburst . In a way , it made it easier to see who you really are underneath this façade you portray , " she said . She looked up at me with confusion on her face . Her lips pursed and her brow wrinkled with intense thought . I noticed her right hand start flipping her pen around her fingers , something that my Psych professor said people do when they are working something over in their mind . She paused for a second . She put down her sandwich and kept her eyes low . She placed her arms on the table across her chest . Her eyes slowly looked up into mine and examined me for a moment . " Aaron , you haven 't been involved with any girl that I know of since I met you . You haven 't given any reason to believe that you 're straight . You 've never even stated whether you were straight or not . So yeah , I can believe that she may have thought so . " I grabbed my things and walked away . The wind was blowing gently , so I decided to follow it and see where it took me . I really didn 't care . It was Friday afternoon , and two days since I last saw Lucas . Me , being the idiot that I am , forgot to get his number . And both times I knocked on his door were not answered . I was walking by the Science and Health Studies building when a door opened and nearly hit me in the face . A crowd of students flew out the door and poured into the courtyard . Politely , I held the door open and waited for every last one of them to leave the room . The last person to leave was the last person I expected it to be . I rolled my eyes and pushed his shoulder . I didn 't even know where we were walking to , but we ended up at the east parking lot . I looked around for a moment in silence while standing next to Lucas waiting for the crosswalk to turn . He smiled and walked across the street with his golden hair being brushed by the light wind . As he walked away , I noticed he was slightly limping . I pushed it into the back of my mind for now and walked off towards the corner store with a small grin on my face . Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote August 17th , 2009 , 09 : 50 AM That was a very thought provoking chapter . It 's obvious Aaron can 't always stay on his sarcastic path . The counselor broke through and Luke has as well . He 's really not a bad ass after all . Now he has to come to terms with his sexuality and I hope Luke will begin that journey with him soon . Thanks for the update and looking for the next . Thanks for the speedy update . . . if only I could crank out quality work that quickly haha . I 'm VERY excited for the next chapter and to find out what this limp was all about . More more more ! ! ! Irish I knocked on his door three times , each knock slightly lower on the door than the other . I never noticed that I did it until now . Something about Lucas made me more aware of anything I did . Even my little weird things like my knock . The pizza in my left hand was starting to make my palm sweat , or at least that 's what I convinced myself was making it sweat . He opened the door and smiled at me . I opened the box and we each grabbed a slice . I sat back down in his chair and he flopped down on his bed and ate the slice in seconds . I laughed at him and he smiled awkwardly at me . A moment of silence passed between us as we ate . His eyes were glued to the ground and I could tell he was thinking of something that he wasn 't sure about saying . After I finished my slice , I took a deep breath . " Well it got me thinking , " he said , " And I thought about it all day . I 'm not trying to pry you for information or anything , but if you want we could make another deal . You tell me something , I 'll tell you something . " Lucas sat up and sat on the edge of his bed . He stared into my eyes and somehow , I felt a little better . The pain in my chest went away and I was able to hold the tears back a little better than before . " I came home from school one day and found her unconscious in the kitchen . I called 911 but it was too late . I found my mother dead that day . " " She worked so hard for me . She worked so hard to give me a good life … " I said , " But she never thought about what would happen to me if she was gone . " That did it . The tears pushed themselves out of my eyes and I fell forward into myself . Lucas stood up and kneeled down in front of me and caught me before I collapsed . He held me and I cried on his shoulder . " Aaron , that 's ok , " he said . He pulled me away from him and looked directly into my eyes . He placed both hands firmly , but gently , on my shoulders . " She obviously didn 't want you to know until it happened , " he said , " She was probably so scared about leaving you . She probably didn 't want you to have to live every single day in fear , and then have grief on top of that feeling after she died . It 's not wrong for you to be angry , but she probably didn 't tell you because of what knowing that she was going to die would do to you . " He looked firmly into my eyes . I could see his fixation , and from that I could tell that he did genuinely care about me . In my mind , I saw myself drowning . I couldn 't keep myself afloat , even though I had people around me trying to pull me out of the water . I was just about to give up and let myself fall beneath the surface , when I felt a hand grab my arm and lift me up . I looked into the eyes of my rescuer . The bright hazel colored eyes that penetrated my soul and brought down every barrier I had built . I looked back into his eyes and felt the pain be washed away . The tears stopped and I regained my composition . I took several deep breaths and calmed myself down . I sat up straight , never looking away from Lucas ' eyes . They made me feel safe . I nodded at him , but remained silent . I didn 't know what to do now . This was the most vulnerable I 've ever felt in my life . For the first time since my mom 's funeral , I cried in front of another person . I knew he felt the tension boiling inside me , so he wrapped his arms around me again to comfort me . I got up and put the movie in and pressed play . I sat back into the chair and he moved back onto his bed . I noticed he kept looking at me as if I were about to shatter into a million pieces . He walked over to his bookshelf , and I noticed his slight limp again . He turned around smiling with the case of October Sky in his hands . I must have had a worried look on my face or something because his smile disappeared and his eyes glazed over a bit . " It 's ok , " he said , " I talked to Jonathan this morning and he told me everything . He seemed so proud of it , so I yelled at him . Then he said , ' It 's not like I raped him or anything , ' and the next thing I knew , my fist flew into his face . I knocked him on the ground and he kicked me in the hip when I leaned in to help him up . " I smiled at him and he smiled back . At that moment , I felt like we were floating in a space of nothingness . There was nothing to worry about except whether or not we were flying or falling . That 's how it was with Lucas . I could be flying or falling , and it would make no difference to me . It was a challenge to be open with him , but at the same time I felt completely safe . We watched the movie in near silence . Apparently we both loved this movie so much that we could nearly recite the script . I swear at one point I saw him mouthing some of the words . But he just blushed and looked away from me . Lucas made me feel different than my other friends did . I didn 't have to worry about what I said or how I said it . I didn 't have to worry about whether or not I stepped on his toes . I didn 't have to worry about anything really . All I had to do was be myself and let him see my vulnerable side every once in a while . * * * It was nearly 11 at night when I got back to my dorm room . Jonathan was sitting at his desk . I could see very clearly where Lucas clocked him . I couldn 't help but smirk a little about it . " Look you little shit , " I said , " I really don 't care if you do drugs . You can OD on the shit for all I care . But if you EVER slip any of my friends any drugs again without them knowing about it , I swear to God I will rip off your balls and shove em down your throat . " " Do you have any idea what I did to people like you at my high school ? " I asked , " Well it would be NOTHING compared to what I would do to you if you came within 5 feet of Henry ever again . Do you understand me ? " He nodded with fear . I released my grip on his shirt and walked away from him . I didn 't hear him move at all , but when I looked back he was opening the door to leave . Wow ! How great to see Aaron being so vulnerable in telling Luke about his mother . Trusting another person so deeply takes a lot of fortitude . Then , along with Luke , being so protective of another friend . A maturity is growing within him and it suits him well . I like that he and Luke are bonding so well . Awesome chapter , ITC . Great work , ITC ! I love how comfortable he 's becoming with Luke . I can really feel this story going somewhere great ! I also enjoyed how both of them stood up for Henry , especially Aaron who only had Luke 's word on the matter . Aw ! THAT is Fantastic ! ! This is a Good story , itc ! THANK YOU ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote Page 1 of 9

Hey guys , so as promised I 've started on a new story . I 've been tweaking it for a couple days now , and I think it 's finally ready for public eyes . I wanna give a quick thanks to everyone who read and supported Graduation . And those who didn 't , well you should go read it : Graduation The clock that hung from the wall ticked loudly through the silence as the pendulum swung from side to side . I had probably been sitting there for 3 minutes without saying a word . What could I say though ? There was nothing on my mind and she seemed stubborn enough to not be the first one to break the silence between us . " Well , it 's really nothing huge . It 's just a bunch of little things . Homework , tests , social ties … stuff like that , " I said . The woman gently uncrossed and re - crossed her legs as she took a sip of her coffee . She stared at me beneath rectangular , black - rimmed glasses as if to signal me to continue . I really didn 't know what to say . I wasn 't even here by my own choice . Stupid school requirements were forcing me to come here . Apparently , when one student kills themselves , every other student must be suicidal as well . " I don 't know . I try to remind myself that I 'm actually doing pretty well in life . I think about that girl Rachel , the one who shot herself , and I just think about how messed up things must have been for her , " I said . " Not really , no . I mean , I didn 't actually know her so her death doesn 't make me sad . But I feel compassion for the people that cared about her . I 've seen them around and they look pretty fucked up , " I said . " It 's fine . No one is going to get mad at you here . I can have a fucking dirty mouth too sometimes , " she said with a smile . I smiled back at her , but it was just a courtesy smile . I really didn 't think I belonged here . On the outside , I was just a normal college student trying his best to do well in life . On the inside , I didn 't really care about much . All over , I was just your typical everyday teenager who just wanted to fit in and be accepted . " She 's great . We 've been friends since Junior High . She brings out the best kind of person in me . When I 'm around her , I just feel so free it 's as if I could be anyone I wanted to be , " I said . " There 's Carly 's boyfriend , Mike . He 's an ok guy . I wouldn 't consider him one of my best friends , but it 's important to Carly that I like him , so I do , " I said . " Well Aaron , from what I 've gathered there is no need for you to be in therapy . You are perfectly normal in every visual way . I 'll write up a dismissal form for you to turn in at the administrator 's office on campus … unless you want to tell me something else ? " she asked . We sat down at one of the picnic tables that were scattered around the campus . Carly dug right into her food but I just sat there playing with mine with my fork . The fork got stuck and I ended up flicking an olive into the air . I eyed her expression up and down . I was trying to tell if she was pulling my leg or if she was honestly suggesting this . She noticed me studying her face and stared back at me with a raised eyebrow . " Quite possibly , but more importantly I 'm actually serious . You 're so bitter and sarcastic all the time . You never actually talk about what 's bothering you , " she said . After Carly took off to her Philosophy class , I decided to walk around campus . My thought train was on several different tracks as it always was . The first track stayed focused on what I would talk about with the counselor . Would she ask me questions again , or would I have to come up with stuff on my own ? What if I couldn 't think of anything to say ? Did it really matter ? I shook my head at the thought . It didn 't matter at all because it wasn 't necessary . It 's not like there 's anything wrong with me . What 's a psychiatrist going to tell me that I don 't already know ? Whatever , it was for Carly anyway . As long as she was content with me then I was happy . She has no need to worry about me , and this was the only way to prove it to her . My second track was thinking about Rachel . Not about her death , but who she really was . I tried to come up with a picture of what her life was like before she killed herself . The news report said her brother and three of her friends were there when she did it . They said she tried to kill one of them , but her brother stopped her . It made me think that her brother was really close to her and meant a lot to her . But why would she kill herself instead of get help ? Did she really not want to live anymore or did she feel so ashamed about what she did that her brother wouldn 't love her anymore ? It was a sad thought , but I figured anyone who is desperate enough to kill themselves if it meant the pain would stop then she was beyond help . It was a sad thought sure , but it didn 't make me sad . Her brother must have had it rough though . If I had a brother or a sister , then I would probably be able to imagine what he felt . But I didn 't , so I didn 't care very much . My third track was about all the new people moving into the dorms after what happened . There were so few people living in the dorms before that I was able to live alone , but now I was being assigned a roommate . Joy . Another person that I have to socialize with every day , just what I wanted . I finally jumped off my thought train and looked at my watch realizing that it was 1 : 30 already . I decided to head back to the dorm and wait for my new roommate . When I walked past the main Administrator 's Office , I turned the corner sharply and accidentally bumped into someone . I hit my head against theirs and fell down on my ass . He lowered his hand towards me to lift me up . I rubbed my head with my left hand as I took his extended arm with my right . He pulled me up and steadied me . As my vision refocused I was able to see his face . He had a pair of bright green eyes fixated on me while I regained my balance . I took a step forward and wobbled a little . He grabbed my shoulder and laughed a little . Once I got my balance back I laughed a little as well and shook my head . " You want me to walk with you and make sure you don 't pass out ? " he asked flashing me his bright smile . We walked across the campus together , every now and then I would stumble a little and he caught me before I tripped over myself . Each time I did it he let out a chuckle . I probably looked like a complete idiot . We were about halfway across the campus when he started talking to me randomly . I looked up at him and admired him a little . I wasn 't a very creative person , and I respected those that were . I couldn 't draw anything to save my life , but I like looking at the work of those that could . He looked at me as we stopped outside of the north dorm building . His bright hazel eyes glimmered in the light from the sun . I studied them as discretely as I could and noticed that there was a hint of gold around the edges . He smiled and revealed a set of bright white teeth that would make a dentist jealous . I didn 't know what he was smiling at , so I raised an eyebrow at him . As he walked away , I tried to study what made him tick , and what made those thoughts slip out of my mind . Even with Carly , I kept all of my sarcasm in my head so I didn 't offend her at all . There was something different about Luke that I couldn 't quite put my finger on . He was like a book full of analogies and metaphors that made my brain itch . He was confusing and yet , I felt like I understood him at the same time . The only thing I didn 't understand was that bizarre question and answer session while we were walking . Did he honestly care if I was ok even though he just met me ? That had to be it ; and that officially made him tomorrow 's problem . Today 's problem was probably already upstairs unpacking it 's shit , and I had to go meet it and make nice with it for the rest of the semester . He was probably some weak little brainiac that was so afraid of the world that he had to move in with the big boys . It 's just what I needed this semester ; to be some pathetic genius ' bodyguard . I flopped down on my bed and closed my eyes for a moment . My thoughts instantly drifted to Lucas … I mean Luke . What was his deal ? No one could be that nice to someone they just met . Fuck , now I was obsessing . I opened my eyes and rubbed the spot on my forehead where his head hit mine . Just then the door popped open and my new roommate stepped inside , followed closely by that awkward moment . I think I 'm going to like this story ! Off to a really great start . I think I have a feeling who Aaron 's new roommate is going to be BTW , I LOVED Graduation ! ! ! You have such compelling storylines and I have a feeling I won 't be disappointed with this one either . Can 't wait for more ! ! already I have noticed some parallels ! rachel killed herself in " Graduation " and also had a brother who was concerned - - same here . I 'm guessing lucas / luke is the love interest ? he has sparking green eyes ( and a killer smile ) , just like Cameron . Reply With Quote July 18th , 2009 , 10 : 56 PM Hmmm ! Haven 't read " Graduation " . . . yet ! . . . but , I 'm liking this one . . . a LOT ! PLEASE keep up the great work ! I 'm definitely looking forward to reading more of YOU ! Very interesting perspective ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote July 19th , 2009 , 01 : 16 AM How great to sign on today and see one of my favorite authors had started a new story . I like the approach this one has and as ASDF pointed out , there are the parallels with " Graduation . " Who would have thought that a tragic event such as Rachael killing herself would have such a wide effect on someone that didn 't even know her . I can tell this is going to be as brilliant a story as " Graduation " but with an entirely new cast of characters . Looking forward to a long read . already I have noticed some parallels ! rachel killed herself in " Graduation " and also had a brother who was concerned - - same here . I 'm guessing lucas / luke is the love interest ? he has sparking green eyes ( and a killer smile ) , just like Cameron . Oops looks like I overlooked something while I was editing . His eyes were supposed to be Hazel . I guess I just missed that one And I 'm glad you guys like it so far . I 'm gonna start chapter two today and hopefully be finished soon . Thanks for the support guys ! Great start ! I really enjoyed " Graduation " , I think I 'll like this story too . Looking forward to chapter 2 already ! Reply With Quote July 23rd , 2009 , 05 : 34 AM ITC this is a great beginning . Looking forward to more . I know that it will be just as fantastic as Graduation and I think you know by now that that story was the greatest . H & K " He 's ok . He 's kinda quiet though . After he unpacked he just sat at his desk playing games on his computer , " I said . Henry and I were sitting in the Student Hall on campus . The building was amazing . It had a big sitting / study area on the main floor , a library on the second floor , and a bunch of little shops , food places , and even a bowling alley in the underground area . I sat on my favorite couch in the room and Henry sat in the armchair sitting adjacent to me . I turned around and looked at the doors behind me . Jonathan was standing there looking awkwardly into the crowd for a place to sit down . I couldn 't help but feel sorry for him . He honestly looked like a guy who just needed a friend . He turned his head and saw me staring at him , so I gave a kind of half wave at him . He looked away instantly and walked towards the stairs . Jonathan stopped dead in his tracks . He looked over at us and saw Henry waving him over to our area . I could see his hesitation and smell his fear from where I was sitting . I nodded at him when he turned his dark brown eyes to me . After a moment of awkward pause , he shifted his feet and walked slowly over to us . I found myself hating him a little bit . Not because he was so awkward , but because he didn 't seem to even want a social life . It was as if he was battling with himself on the inside , and I couldn 't tell if he was winning or losing . He was very difficult to read and for that , I couldn 't help but hate him . No one has been able to hide themselves from me for very long , but this kid was actually giving me a challenge . As he sat down on the opposite end of the couch I was sitting on , there was an awkward moment of silence between us . I gave a quick stink eye at him when he sat on my couch , but hid it before he or Henry could see it . I turned my attention to my laptop which had the website , Fmylife open . Henry noticed my shift in focus and started talking to Jonathan . Tuning out their conversation , I retreated into my thoughts . I nodded at appropriate times and feigned interest like I always did . To be honest , the conversations about this Rachel girl were getting repetitive . Someone who had minimal interaction with her would find someone else who had even less interaction with her and express what a " shock " it was when it happened . I was a little surprised when my thoughts crossed over the pain in my forehead , and suddenly all I could think of was Lucas . He perplexed me . He seemed to genuinely care about my wellbeing , but yet he didn 't ask for my number or ask to walk me up to my room or whatever . I concluded on the thought that he really didn 't care , and that he was just making sure I didn 't want to sue him or anything . My thoughts were interrupted by Henry 's voice . * * * Walking into the club , I heard the sounds of my favorite band , Paramore . Carly immediately began dancing to the tune of Crushcrushcrush as we were walking down the stairs to the main floor of the club . She flung her dark brown hair around in sync with the beat of the song and she pulled Mike out to the dance floor . Henry and I sat at the bar and saw Jonathan walking down the stairs . He was closely followed by Lucas and his eyes magnetically stuck to mine from across the room . I saw a smile creep across his face . He and Jonathan made their way over to the bar , but our eyes never separated . His were full of amusement , while mine were filled with annoyance . I gave him a glare and he burst into laughter . Jonathan and Henry broke off and started chatting while Lucas and I had a couple drinks . Lucas and I just sat at the bar talking about the music they were playing . I sat there stunned for a moment . No way were he and I in the same place at the same time worshiping the same band . I must have been staring for a few minutes because he broke me out of my trance by waving his hand in my face . We sat there as the final line of a song neither of us was paying attention to finished . Eagerly awaiting the next song to play , I looked around and noticed that everyone else was gone . The DJ shut off the sound system and the bartender told us they were closing in a few minutes . We stared at each other with wide eyes and disbelief . He got off his stool and motioned towards the staircase . I wiped my hands on my jeans and walked past him up the stairs . The cool , crisp air outside felt refreshing after being inside for God knows how long . I stretched a bit as Lucas emerged out of the stairway and chuckled at me . He smiled at me and I smiled back . It was then that I realized that I was doing exactly what I didn 't want to do . Acting on instinct , my mind took over and I broke this moment between us . I tried desperately to think of a rational excuse to keep from walking back with him , but failed miserably . I just nodded and walked beside him , not saying a word the whole mile and a half to the dorm . He tried to talk to me , but I made it very clear that I was " too tired to think " so he gave up after the third avoided question . We walked up the stairs of the dorm building and stood outside my room for a moment . Lucas burst into laughter that carried across the courtyard . We walked into the other dorm building and up the stairs to the third floor where Lucas ' room was . This building was much younger and nicer than the one I was living in . We walked into the room and my jaw nearly fell off when I saw the interior . It was at least twice as big as my room , and he didn 't even have a roommate . I went into the bathroom to take a piss and change and I came out to see him already under his covers . I walked softly over to the bed and sat down on it . As usual , I went over the day 's events in my head as a way of cataloguing any significance in any moment . I stopped at the brief moment between Lucas and I outside the club and couldn 't decide if that was significant . Without thinking , I blurted out a question to Lucas . I turned over and lay down on the bed . I stared at the ceiling and kept thinking about that exchange of smiles . As much as I disliked the idea , I had found a new friend in Lucas Harper . That wasn 't what was bothering me though . The issue I was bumping up against was whether or not I would drive him away . He was so different from the people I was friends with . Carly and Henry were just as closed of as I was … I mean am . But Lucas has a warming quality that I was afraid of breaking . I turned over , facing away from Lucas , and started drifting off to sleep . I could hear him lightly snoring from his bed behind me , and for the first time in a while , I let out a genuine laugh . It wasn 't forced or fake . And that 's when I realized that I actually liked Lucas . I was friends with Henry because we were in the same social group and had similar taste in music . I was friends with Carly because we 've been together nearly since birth . And right now , I couldn 't really tell if I actually liked either of them . THANK YOU ! , itc ! Excellent ! Been waiting for this 2nd chapter , and , in the mean time , read " Graduation " ! Now I understand the " tie in " here . Fantastic ! ! I 'm truly enjoying your writing style ! And , especially appreciate your including Aaron 's " inner conversation " with himself . Definitely looking forward to more ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote August 10th , 2009 , 11 : 44 AM Happy to see an addition to the story . I am certain Aaron and Lucas are going to be very good friends . . . . . . . . . . . . hopefully more . Like Littletosay , I wonder if Henry and Jonathan are getting to know each other . . . lol Great chapter ITC ! I felt the vibrations of my phone beneath my pillow . It was just loud enough to wake me , but not enough to stir Lucas out of his sleep . I slowly and quietly changed clothes and left his room . The sun was barely coming up and all I could think of was how much I missed my mother . I clutched the locket that hid beneath my shirt as my breathing became heavy with grief . I looked away from the sunrise and just walked around for a little while . I felt bad for leaving Lucas like that , but it was pointless for me to let myself get close to someone else . I listened to the voice in my head telling me that I had enough . Any more than what I already have would just make things harder . I would have just left it at that , but then I heard a voice I hadn 't heard in a long time . There was a name I hadn 't thought of in years . He was a lot like Lucas , or at least what I 've witnessed from Lucas so far . We complemented each other like cheese and macaroni . Everyone thought we were twins because between the two of us , we knew everything . We were like two halves of an apple . At least , until his dad 's company relocated his family to a small town three states away . That was about two years before I met Henry . If it weren 't for Carly I wouldn 't have even had Henry . But life has been hard enough since then , I don 't need someone else who I am certain will cause me pain one day . The argument in my mind subsided as I once again listened to my negativity and decided that Lucas was too good for me to even try to be his friend . I passed through the doors of my dorm building and saw Henry laying on one of the couches in the lounge . He looked totally smashed from last night . I walked up to him and flicked his ear . When I got him up to his dorm room , I went back downstairs to mine to see if Jonathan was still there . I looked at my watch and it was now 7 : 30 a . m . I poked my head into the room and saw that no one was inside . It reeked of sex so I grabbed the air freshener and just blasted it around the room . I sat on my bed and dropped my head into my hands for a moment . I actually didn 't know Henry as well as I thought . He could have done it himself , but I didn 't want to believe it . I especially didn 't want to because it was our usually breakfast day . It was the only morning the three of us had off at the same time , so we went to the local IHOP and caught up with the week 's events . I shoved my sausages into my mouth and listened to Carly drone on about her and Mike . I honestly couldn 't care less , but as usual I feigned interest and kept any conflict to a minimum . At any second I expected my thoughts to drift away from Carly incessant yammering . And there it was . I forgot my wallet . I don 't even remember where I put it . I felt around all my pockets and nothing . Thankfully it was Carly 's day to pay so I didn 't have to worry as much . * * * I sat down in my chair near the door and planted my face in my arms . I absolutely hated this class . Well , more the professor than the class . He and I were total opposites and we viewed the world completely differently . We constantly argued about the " meaning " of everything since I just believe that the world is in constant chaos and things just happen . We never agreed on anything and being the asshole I am , I always had to argue my point until both of us gave up , or he kicked me out of the class . He walked away towards the back of the room . I saw him sit down in the back row and felt a rush of guilt overwhelm me . I got up and went to sit next to him . " I just assigned a report . You partner up with someone you don 't know or barely know and study them . Then you write a full report about why you think they are the way they are , " he said . I looked at Lucas and he looked back at me . A smile began to penetrate the stern look on his face that he was holding for so long , but he quickly stopped it . I held up my hand to ask a question and Robbins took a deep breath . I smiled when he turned away . I don 't know what made me feel better , freaking out the entire class , or having an academic reason to be friends with Lucas . I turned to Lucas with the smile still on my face and saw the shock on his . He stared at me in disbelief as I chuckled at everyone 's confusion . When class was dismissed , Lucas and I walked towards the parking lot together . There was silence between us that I wanted him to be the one to break . I wanted to think of something to say , but my mind was running on empty . " I 'm sorry , I really can 't . I promised Carly I 'd go see that counselor again . I have to go around 6 : 30 . " I said . I was . The first genuine smile on my face in two years , and Lucas was causing it . I had no idea what that actually meant . I just knew that I wanted to be around Lucas as much as I possibly could . We sat down at one of the tables outside . The light breeze swept through the little junction of stores . Lucas jumped face first into his sandwich while I slowly picked at my pasta . " Ok , " I said pulling the small locket out from under my shirt collar , " This locket belonged to my mother . She bought it one day when we went to Sea World . She always loved dolphins and when she saw this … she said it was the third time in her life that she was absolutely certain about something she wanted . " " I found it one day shortly before I left for school , and I put a picture of her in it . I wear it everyday to remind myself that what I 'm doing is important for me . No matter how far away I am , when I 'm wearing this locket I feel like I 'm right where I belong . " " Alright well , when I was a kid I always wanted to have a dog . My neighbor had a Doberman puppy and I was absolutely in love with it . But my dad was crazy allergic to dog hair , so we couldn 't have one , " he said . " Yeah … so anyway , when I was like 8 or 9 , my dad had a business trip up in Lake Tahoe , so my parents decided to just make it into a family vacation since it was during the summer . My mom and I were walking down a little junction of stores and I walked by this toy store . I looked in the window and saw this little Doberman Beanie Baby , " he said . " I know , I know , guys and Beanie Babies just don 't really mix , but I was just a kid . I begged my mom for like 20 minutes to buy it for me until she was finally convinced that it would keep me from begging for a real dog . As soon as I got it in my arms , I was never apart from it . I loved that dog so much , " he said . I looked at Lucas completely differently . The compassion and kindness that he had wasn 't something he did voluntarily . From his story , I could tell that it was just natural for him . I smiled back at him and nodded . At that moment , it was like everything slowed down . I looked into his bright hazel eyes and saw the vulnerability . I wasn 't looking at his vulnerability , but I could see myself in the reflection of his eyes . I was looking at mine . I had never told anyone about the locket I held with me everyday . I never reached that level of connection with anyone . And yet , here I sat with a near stranger , and I just spilled information about one of my greatest possessions without much provocation from him . It was like that deal between us established a trust that would take most people years to build . We instantly had a " You give , I give " connection . It felt amazing not only to trust someone so easily , but also to be trusted by that person with the same level of ease . I felt different , almost refreshed . I could feel the changes happening inside me . The warmth I locked away so many years ago was bubbling to the surface and pushing out the cold , logical , and emotionless version of me . That was an amazing chapter . I 'm really feeling for Luke and Aaron now . Hopefully they 'll get to be better friends . . . if Aaron 's head doesn 't do him in . What a great story - so well written ! I love the way you let us in to AAron 's inner voices . . . and I could feel the connection happening - blossoming ! I am an incurable romantic - I am loving this ! ! ! Hugs ! Reply With Quote August 15th , 2009 , 09 : 00 PM That was a wonderfully warm and touching chapter . Trust like that does not come easily . I have a feeling Aaron is going to be a little more reasonable with the counselor . He has something important to relay this time . Luke has that inner connection that anyone would be happy to share . Obviously he has some of the same concerns regarding friendships that Aaron has . I like the way things are going in this story . Eager to read the next chapter . Hey guys , so this chapter is a bit shorter but I wanted to get this part out of the way as soon as possible . I think I 've allowed you all get a better feel for Aaron in this chapter and I 'm going to bring in a few subtle hints and a few not so subtle hints with the next few chapters . Enjoy Wings of A Butterfly Veronica looked at me through her black rimmed glasses as I sat in the chair across from her . I subtly looked around the room to try and get a read on her in case I needed some ammo . She offered me a glass of tea , which I reluctantly accepted . Veronica examined me for a moment , as if to check for subtle hints that could actually lead her somewhere . She picked up her cup and sipped at her tea with her eyes closed . When she opened her eyes it was like a fire had been lit in her soul . She held more energy in them , as if she found something she could use . " I believe you agreed because you value your relationship with Carly , but you 're afraid of feeling vulnerable with another human being . So you fight them every step of the way , but you still end up doing things for them . You do it so you appear to care about them , but to also tell them that you wish you didn 't , " she said . " You think you know me after talking to me twice ? Well let me tell you something , you don 't know a thing about me . So you can sit up here in your little room with all your credentials hanging up on the wall and listen to other people complain about their problems . But me , I 'm going out there . I 'm going to do something that actually matters to the world . So you can take your assumptions about me and shove them up your ass because you have no idea why I am the way that I am . " I bolted out of my seat and stormed over towards the door . She was up and at the door faster than I could reach it . She held her hand against the door as I was trying to open it and storm out of the room . She looked calmly into my eyes and somehow forced the rage that was boiling under my skin to subside . She slowly walked back to her seat . As she sat down she motioned toward the chair for me to sit back down . I turned to face her and crossed my arms . " Before you can face whatever makes you afraid of connecting with other people , you need to tell at least one person what it is , " she said , " It doesn 't have to be me , it can be anyone . But until you tell someone , you 'll always be afraid of it . You 'll keep pushing people out of your life just as you 're about to get close to them . " Defeated , I walked back over to the chair across from her . I stared directly into her dark blue eyes . There was no anger or judgment in them . There was no hostility or restraint in mine either . I couldn 't see it , but I definitely felt it . " Aaron , there is no need for an apology . What you did was a classic outburst . In a way , it made it easier to see who you really are underneath this façade you portray , " she said . She looked up at me with confusion on her face . Her lips pursed and her brow wrinkled with intense thought . I noticed her right hand start flipping her pen around her fingers , something that my Psych professor said people do when they are working something over in their mind . She paused for a second . She put down her sandwich and kept her eyes low . She placed her arms on the table across her chest . Her eyes slowly looked up into mine and examined me for a moment . " Aaron , you haven 't been involved with any girl that I know of since I met you . You haven 't given any reason to believe that you 're straight . You 've never even stated whether you were straight or not . So yeah , I can believe that she may have thought so . " I grabbed my things and walked away . The wind was blowing gently , so I decided to follow it and see where it took me . I really didn 't care . It was Friday afternoon , and two days since I last saw Lucas . Me , being the idiot that I am , forgot to get his number . And both times I knocked on his door were not answered . I was walking by the Science and Health Studies building when a door opened and nearly hit me in the face . A crowd of students flew out the door and poured into the courtyard . Politely , I held the door open and waited for every last one of them to leave the room . The last person to leave was the last person I expected it to be . I rolled my eyes and pushed his shoulder . I didn 't even know where we were walking to , but we ended up at the east parking lot . I looked around for a moment in silence while standing next to Lucas waiting for the crosswalk to turn . He smiled and walked across the street with his golden hair being brushed by the light wind . As he walked away , I noticed he was slightly limping . I pushed it into the back of my mind for now and walked off towards the corner store with a small grin on my face . Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote August 17th , 2009 , 09 : 50 AM That was a very thought provoking chapter . It 's obvious Aaron can 't always stay on his sarcastic path . The counselor broke through and Luke has as well . He 's really not a bad ass after all . Now he has to come to terms with his sexuality and I hope Luke will begin that journey with him soon . Thanks for the update and looking for the next . Thanks for the speedy update . . . if only I could crank out quality work that quickly haha . I 'm VERY excited for the next chapter and to find out what this limp was all about . More more more ! ! ! Irish I knocked on his door three times , each knock slightly lower on the door than the other . I never noticed that I did it until now . Something about Lucas made me more aware of anything I did . Even my little weird things like my knock . The pizza in my left hand was starting to make my palm sweat , or at least that 's what I convinced myself was making it sweat . He opened the door and smiled at me . I opened the box and we each grabbed a slice . I sat back down in his chair and he flopped down on his bed and ate the slice in seconds . I laughed at him and he smiled awkwardly at me . A moment of silence passed between us as we ate . His eyes were glued to the ground and I could tell he was thinking of something that he wasn 't sure about saying . After I finished my slice , I took a deep breath . " Well it got me thinking , " he said , " And I thought about it all day . I 'm not trying to pry you for information or anything , but if you want we could make another deal . You tell me something , I 'll tell you something . " Lucas sat up and sat on the edge of his bed . He stared into my eyes and somehow , I felt a little better . The pain in my chest went away and I was able to hold the tears back a little better than before . " I came home from school one day and found her unconscious in the kitchen . I called 911 but it was too late . I found my mother dead that day . " " She worked so hard for me . She worked so hard to give me a good life … " I said , " But she never thought about what would happen to me if she was gone . " That did it . The tears pushed themselves out of my eyes and I fell forward into myself . Lucas stood up and kneeled down in front of me and caught me before I collapsed . He held me and I cried on his shoulder . " Aaron , that 's ok , " he said . He pulled me away from him and looked directly into my eyes . He placed both hands firmly , but gently , on my shoulders . " She obviously didn 't want you to know until it happened , " he said , " She was probably so scared about leaving you . She probably didn 't want you to have to live every single day in fear , and then have grief on top of that feeling after she died . It 's not wrong for you to be angry , but she probably didn 't tell you because of what knowing that she was going to die would do to you . " He looked firmly into my eyes . I could see his fixation , and from that I could tell that he did genuinely care about me . In my mind , I saw myself drowning . I couldn 't keep myself afloat , even though I had people around me trying to pull me out of the water . I was just about to give up and let myself fall beneath the surface , when I felt a hand grab my arm and lift me up . I looked into the eyes of my rescuer . The bright hazel colored eyes that penetrated my soul and brought down every barrier I had built . I looked back into his eyes and felt the pain be washed away . The tears stopped and I regained my composition . I took several deep breaths and calmed myself down . I sat up straight , never looking away from Lucas ' eyes . They made me feel safe . I nodded at him , but remained silent . I didn 't know what to do now . This was the most vulnerable I 've ever felt in my life . For the first time since my mom 's funeral , I cried in front of another person . I knew he felt the tension boiling inside me , so he wrapped his arms around me again to comfort me . I got up and put the movie in and pressed play . I sat back into the chair and he moved back onto his bed . I noticed he kept looking at me as if I were about to shatter into a million pieces . He walked over to his bookshelf , and I noticed his slight limp again . He turned around smiling with the case of October Sky in his hands . I must have had a worried look on my face or something because his smile disappeared and his eyes glazed over a bit . " It 's ok , " he said , " I talked to Jonathan this morning and he told me everything . He seemed so proud of it , so I yelled at him . Then he said , ' It 's not like I raped him or anything , ' and the next thing I knew , my fist flew into his face . I knocked him on the ground and he kicked me in the hip when I leaned in to help him up . " I smiled at him and he smiled back . At that moment , I felt like we were floating in a space of nothingness . There was nothing to worry about except whether or not we were flying or falling . That 's how it was with Lucas . I could be flying or falling , and it would make no difference to me . It was a challenge to be open with him , but at the same time I felt completely safe . We watched the movie in near silence . Apparently we both loved this movie so much that we could nearly recite the script . I swear at one point I saw him mouthing some of the words . But he just blushed and looked away from me . Lucas made me feel different than my other friends did . I didn 't have to worry about what I said or how I said it . I didn 't have to worry about whether or not I stepped on his toes . I didn 't have to worry about anything really . All I had to do was be myself and let him see my vulnerable side every once in a while . * * * It was nearly 11 at night when I got back to my dorm room . Jonathan was sitting at his desk . I could see very clearly where Lucas clocked him . I couldn 't help but smirk a little about it . " Look you little shit , " I said , " I really don 't care if you do drugs . You can OD on the shit for all I care . But if you EVER slip any of my friends any drugs again without them knowing about it , I swear to God I will rip off your balls and shove em down your throat . " " Do you have any idea what I did to people like you at my high school ? " I asked , " Well it would be NOTHING compared to what I would do to you if you came within 5 feet of Henry ever again . Do you understand me ? " He nodded with fear . I released my grip on his shirt and walked away from him . I didn 't hear him move at all , but when I looked back he was opening the door to leave . Wow ! How great to see Aaron being so vulnerable in telling Luke about his mother . Trusting another person so deeply takes a lot of fortitude . Then , along with Luke , being so protective of another friend . A maturity is growing within him and it suits him well . I like that he and Luke are bonding so well . Awesome chapter , ITC . Great work , ITC ! I love how comfortable he 's becoming with Luke . I can really feel this story going somewhere great ! I also enjoyed how both of them stood up for Henry , especially Aaron who only had Luke 's word on the matter . Aw ! THAT is Fantastic ! ! This is a Good story , itc ! THANK YOU ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote Page 1 of 9

Hey guys , so as promised I 've started on a new story . I 've been tweaking it for a couple days now , and I think it 's finally ready for public eyes . I wanna give a quick thanks to everyone who read and supported Graduation . And those who didn 't , well you should go read it : Graduation The clock that hung from the wall ticked loudly through the silence as the pendulum swung from side to side . I had probably been sitting there for 3 minutes without saying a word . What could I say though ? There was nothing on my mind and she seemed stubborn enough to not be the first one to break the silence between us . " Well , it 's really nothing huge . It 's just a bunch of little things . Homework , tests , social ties … stuff like that , " I said . The woman gently uncrossed and re - crossed her legs as she took a sip of her coffee . She stared at me beneath rectangular , black - rimmed glasses as if to signal me to continue . I really didn 't know what to say . I wasn 't even here by my own choice . Stupid school requirements were forcing me to come here . Apparently , when one student kills themselves , every other student must be suicidal as well . " I don 't know . I try to remind myself that I 'm actually doing pretty well in life . I think about that girl Rachel , the one who shot herself , and I just think about how messed up things must have been for her , " I said . " Not really , no . I mean , I didn 't actually know her so her death doesn 't make me sad . But I feel compassion for the people that cared about her . I 've seen them around and they look pretty fucked up , " I said . " It 's fine . No one is going to get mad at you here . I can have a fucking dirty mouth too sometimes , " she said with a smile . I smiled back at her , but it was just a courtesy smile . I really didn 't think I belonged here . On the outside , I was just a normal college student trying his best to do well in life . On the inside , I didn 't really care about much . All over , I was just your typical everyday teenager who just wanted to fit in and be accepted . " She 's great . We 've been friends since Junior High . She brings out the best kind of person in me . When I 'm around her , I just feel so free it 's as if I could be anyone I wanted to be , " I said . " There 's Carly 's boyfriend , Mike . He 's an ok guy . I wouldn 't consider him one of my best friends , but it 's important to Carly that I like him , so I do , " I said . " Well Aaron , from what I 've gathered there is no need for you to be in therapy . You are perfectly normal in every visual way . I 'll write up a dismissal form for you to turn in at the administrator 's office on campus … unless you want to tell me something else ? " she asked . We sat down at one of the picnic tables that were scattered around the campus . Carly dug right into her food but I just sat there playing with mine with my fork . The fork got stuck and I ended up flicking an olive into the air . I eyed her expression up and down . I was trying to tell if she was pulling my leg or if she was honestly suggesting this . She noticed me studying her face and stared back at me with a raised eyebrow . " Quite possibly , but more importantly I 'm actually serious . You 're so bitter and sarcastic all the time . You never actually talk about what 's bothering you , " she said . After Carly took off to her Philosophy class , I decided to walk around campus . My thought train was on several different tracks as it always was . The first track stayed focused on what I would talk about with the counselor . Would she ask me questions again , or would I have to come up with stuff on my own ? What if I couldn 't think of anything to say ? Did it really matter ? I shook my head at the thought . It didn 't matter at all because it wasn 't necessary . It 's not like there 's anything wrong with me . What 's a psychiatrist going to tell me that I don 't already know ? Whatever , it was for Carly anyway . As long as she was content with me then I was happy . She has no need to worry about me , and this was the only way to prove it to her . My second track was thinking about Rachel . Not about her death , but who she really was . I tried to come up with a picture of what her life was like before she killed herself . The news report said her brother and three of her friends were there when she did it . They said she tried to kill one of them , but her brother stopped her . It made me think that her brother was really close to her and meant a lot to her . But why would she kill herself instead of get help ? Did she really not want to live anymore or did she feel so ashamed about what she did that her brother wouldn 't love her anymore ? It was a sad thought , but I figured anyone who is desperate enough to kill themselves if it meant the pain would stop then she was beyond help . It was a sad thought sure , but it didn 't make me sad . Her brother must have had it rough though . If I had a brother or a sister , then I would probably be able to imagine what he felt . But I didn 't , so I didn 't care very much . My third track was about all the new people moving into the dorms after what happened . There were so few people living in the dorms before that I was able to live alone , but now I was being assigned a roommate . Joy . Another person that I have to socialize with every day , just what I wanted . I finally jumped off my thought train and looked at my watch realizing that it was 1 : 30 already . I decided to head back to the dorm and wait for my new roommate . When I walked past the main Administrator 's Office , I turned the corner sharply and accidentally bumped into someone . I hit my head against theirs and fell down on my ass . He lowered his hand towards me to lift me up . I rubbed my head with my left hand as I took his extended arm with my right . He pulled me up and steadied me . As my vision refocused I was able to see his face . He had a pair of bright green eyes fixated on me while I regained my balance . I took a step forward and wobbled a little . He grabbed my shoulder and laughed a little . Once I got my balance back I laughed a little as well and shook my head . " You want me to walk with you and make sure you don 't pass out ? " he asked flashing me his bright smile . We walked across the campus together , every now and then I would stumble a little and he caught me before I tripped over myself . Each time I did it he let out a chuckle . I probably looked like a complete idiot . We were about halfway across the campus when he started talking to me randomly . I looked up at him and admired him a little . I wasn 't a very creative person , and I respected those that were . I couldn 't draw anything to save my life , but I like looking at the work of those that could . He looked at me as we stopped outside of the north dorm building . His bright hazel eyes glimmered in the light from the sun . I studied them as discretely as I could and noticed that there was a hint of gold around the edges . He smiled and revealed a set of bright white teeth that would make a dentist jealous . I didn 't know what he was smiling at , so I raised an eyebrow at him . As he walked away , I tried to study what made him tick , and what made those thoughts slip out of my mind . Even with Carly , I kept all of my sarcasm in my head so I didn 't offend her at all . There was something different about Luke that I couldn 't quite put my finger on . He was like a book full of analogies and metaphors that made my brain itch . He was confusing and yet , I felt like I understood him at the same time . The only thing I didn 't understand was that bizarre question and answer session while we were walking . Did he honestly care if I was ok even though he just met me ? That had to be it ; and that officially made him tomorrow 's problem . Today 's problem was probably already upstairs unpacking it 's shit , and I had to go meet it and make nice with it for the rest of the semester . He was probably some weak little brainiac that was so afraid of the world that he had to move in with the big boys . It 's just what I needed this semester ; to be some pathetic genius ' bodyguard . I flopped down on my bed and closed my eyes for a moment . My thoughts instantly drifted to Lucas … I mean Luke . What was his deal ? No one could be that nice to someone they just met . Fuck , now I was obsessing . I opened my eyes and rubbed the spot on my forehead where his head hit mine . Just then the door popped open and my new roommate stepped inside , followed closely by that awkward moment . I think I 'm going to like this story ! Off to a really great start . I think I have a feeling who Aaron 's new roommate is going to be BTW , I LOVED Graduation ! ! ! You have such compelling storylines and I have a feeling I won 't be disappointed with this one either . Can 't wait for more ! ! already I have noticed some parallels ! rachel killed herself in " Graduation " and also had a brother who was concerned - - same here . I 'm guessing lucas / luke is the love interest ? he has sparking green eyes ( and a killer smile ) , just like Cameron . Reply With Quote July 18th , 2009 , 10 : 56 PM Hmmm ! Haven 't read " Graduation " . . . yet ! . . . but , I 'm liking this one . . . a LOT ! PLEASE keep up the great work ! I 'm definitely looking forward to reading more of YOU ! Very interesting perspective ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote July 19th , 2009 , 01 : 16 AM How great to sign on today and see one of my favorite authors had started a new story . I like the approach this one has and as ASDF pointed out , there are the parallels with " Graduation . " Who would have thought that a tragic event such as Rachael killing herself would have such a wide effect on someone that didn 't even know her . I can tell this is going to be as brilliant a story as " Graduation " but with an entirely new cast of characters . Looking forward to a long read . already I have noticed some parallels ! rachel killed herself in " Graduation " and also had a brother who was concerned - - same here . I 'm guessing lucas / luke is the love interest ? he has sparking green eyes ( and a killer smile ) , just like Cameron . Oops looks like I overlooked something while I was editing . His eyes were supposed to be Hazel . I guess I just missed that one And I 'm glad you guys like it so far . I 'm gonna start chapter two today and hopefully be finished soon . Thanks for the support guys ! Great start ! I really enjoyed " Graduation " , I think I 'll like this story too . Looking forward to chapter 2 already ! Reply With Quote July 23rd , 2009 , 05 : 34 AM ITC this is a great beginning . Looking forward to more . I know that it will be just as fantastic as Graduation and I think you know by now that that story was the greatest . H & K " He 's ok . He 's kinda quiet though . After he unpacked he just sat at his desk playing games on his computer , " I said . Henry and I were sitting in the Student Hall on campus . The building was amazing . It had a big sitting / study area on the main floor , a library on the second floor , and a bunch of little shops , food places , and even a bowling alley in the underground area . I sat on my favorite couch in the room and Henry sat in the armchair sitting adjacent to me . I turned around and looked at the doors behind me . Jonathan was standing there looking awkwardly into the crowd for a place to sit down . I couldn 't help but feel sorry for him . He honestly looked like a guy who just needed a friend . He turned his head and saw me staring at him , so I gave a kind of half wave at him . He looked away instantly and walked towards the stairs . Jonathan stopped dead in his tracks . He looked over at us and saw Henry waving him over to our area . I could see his hesitation and smell his fear from where I was sitting . I nodded at him when he turned his dark brown eyes to me . After a moment of awkward pause , he shifted his feet and walked slowly over to us . I found myself hating him a little bit . Not because he was so awkward , but because he didn 't seem to even want a social life . It was as if he was battling with himself on the inside , and I couldn 't tell if he was winning or losing . He was very difficult to read and for that , I couldn 't help but hate him . No one has been able to hide themselves from me for very long , but this kid was actually giving me a challenge . As he sat down on the opposite end of the couch I was sitting on , there was an awkward moment of silence between us . I gave a quick stink eye at him when he sat on my couch , but hid it before he or Henry could see it . I turned my attention to my laptop which had the website , Fmylife open . Henry noticed my shift in focus and started talking to Jonathan . Tuning out their conversation , I retreated into my thoughts . I nodded at appropriate times and feigned interest like I always did . To be honest , the conversations about this Rachel girl were getting repetitive . Someone who had minimal interaction with her would find someone else who had even less interaction with her and express what a " shock " it was when it happened . I was a little surprised when my thoughts crossed over the pain in my forehead , and suddenly all I could think of was Lucas . He perplexed me . He seemed to genuinely care about my wellbeing , but yet he didn 't ask for my number or ask to walk me up to my room or whatever . I concluded on the thought that he really didn 't care , and that he was just making sure I didn 't want to sue him or anything . My thoughts were interrupted by Henry 's voice . * * * Walking into the club , I heard the sounds of my favorite band , Paramore . Carly immediately began dancing to the tune of Crushcrushcrush as we were walking down the stairs to the main floor of the club . She flung her dark brown hair around in sync with the beat of the song and she pulled Mike out to the dance floor . Henry and I sat at the bar and saw Jonathan walking down the stairs . He was closely followed by Lucas and his eyes magnetically stuck to mine from across the room . I saw a smile creep across his face . He and Jonathan made their way over to the bar , but our eyes never separated . His were full of amusement , while mine were filled with annoyance . I gave him a glare and he burst into laughter . Jonathan and Henry broke off and started chatting while Lucas and I had a couple drinks . Lucas and I just sat at the bar talking about the music they were playing . I sat there stunned for a moment . No way were he and I in the same place at the same time worshiping the same band . I must have been staring for a few minutes because he broke me out of my trance by waving his hand in my face . We sat there as the final line of a song neither of us was paying attention to finished . Eagerly awaiting the next song to play , I looked around and noticed that everyone else was gone . The DJ shut off the sound system and the bartender told us they were closing in a few minutes . We stared at each other with wide eyes and disbelief . He got off his stool and motioned towards the staircase . I wiped my hands on my jeans and walked past him up the stairs . The cool , crisp air outside felt refreshing after being inside for God knows how long . I stretched a bit as Lucas emerged out of the stairway and chuckled at me . He smiled at me and I smiled back . It was then that I realized that I was doing exactly what I didn 't want to do . Acting on instinct , my mind took over and I broke this moment between us . I tried desperately to think of a rational excuse to keep from walking back with him , but failed miserably . I just nodded and walked beside him , not saying a word the whole mile and a half to the dorm . He tried to talk to me , but I made it very clear that I was " too tired to think " so he gave up after the third avoided question . We walked up the stairs of the dorm building and stood outside my room for a moment . Lucas burst into laughter that carried across the courtyard . We walked into the other dorm building and up the stairs to the third floor where Lucas ' room was . This building was much younger and nicer than the one I was living in . We walked into the room and my jaw nearly fell off when I saw the interior . It was at least twice as big as my room , and he didn 't even have a roommate . I went into the bathroom to take a piss and change and I came out to see him already under his covers . I walked softly over to the bed and sat down on it . As usual , I went over the day 's events in my head as a way of cataloguing any significance in any moment . I stopped at the brief moment between Lucas and I outside the club and couldn 't decide if that was significant . Without thinking , I blurted out a question to Lucas . I turned over and lay down on the bed . I stared at the ceiling and kept thinking about that exchange of smiles . As much as I disliked the idea , I had found a new friend in Lucas Harper . That wasn 't what was bothering me though . The issue I was bumping up against was whether or not I would drive him away . He was so different from the people I was friends with . Carly and Henry were just as closed of as I was … I mean am . But Lucas has a warming quality that I was afraid of breaking . I turned over , facing away from Lucas , and started drifting off to sleep . I could hear him lightly snoring from his bed behind me , and for the first time in a while , I let out a genuine laugh . It wasn 't forced or fake . And that 's when I realized that I actually liked Lucas . I was friends with Henry because we were in the same social group and had similar taste in music . I was friends with Carly because we 've been together nearly since birth . And right now , I couldn 't really tell if I actually liked either of them . THANK YOU ! , itc ! Excellent ! Been waiting for this 2nd chapter , and , in the mean time , read " Graduation " ! Now I understand the " tie in " here . Fantastic ! ! I 'm truly enjoying your writing style ! And , especially appreciate your including Aaron 's " inner conversation " with himself . Definitely looking forward to more ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote August 10th , 2009 , 11 : 44 AM Happy to see an addition to the story . I am certain Aaron and Lucas are going to be very good friends . . . . . . . . . . . . hopefully more . Like Littletosay , I wonder if Henry and Jonathan are getting to know each other . . . lol Great chapter ITC ! I felt the vibrations of my phone beneath my pillow . It was just loud enough to wake me , but not enough to stir Lucas out of his sleep . I slowly and quietly changed clothes and left his room . The sun was barely coming up and all I could think of was how much I missed my mother . I clutched the locket that hid beneath my shirt as my breathing became heavy with grief . I looked away from the sunrise and just walked around for a little while . I felt bad for leaving Lucas like that , but it was pointless for me to let myself get close to someone else . I listened to the voice in my head telling me that I had enough . Any more than what I already have would just make things harder . I would have just left it at that , but then I heard a voice I hadn 't heard in a long time . There was a name I hadn 't thought of in years . He was a lot like Lucas , or at least what I 've witnessed from Lucas so far . We complemented each other like cheese and macaroni . Everyone thought we were twins because between the two of us , we knew everything . We were like two halves of an apple . At least , until his dad 's company relocated his family to a small town three states away . That was about two years before I met Henry . If it weren 't for Carly I wouldn 't have even had Henry . But life has been hard enough since then , I don 't need someone else who I am certain will cause me pain one day . The argument in my mind subsided as I once again listened to my negativity and decided that Lucas was too good for me to even try to be his friend . I passed through the doors of my dorm building and saw Henry laying on one of the couches in the lounge . He looked totally smashed from last night . I walked up to him and flicked his ear . When I got him up to his dorm room , I went back downstairs to mine to see if Jonathan was still there . I looked at my watch and it was now 7 : 30 a . m . I poked my head into the room and saw that no one was inside . It reeked of sex so I grabbed the air freshener and just blasted it around the room . I sat on my bed and dropped my head into my hands for a moment . I actually didn 't know Henry as well as I thought . He could have done it himself , but I didn 't want to believe it . I especially didn 't want to because it was our usually breakfast day . It was the only morning the three of us had off at the same time , so we went to the local IHOP and caught up with the week 's events . I shoved my sausages into my mouth and listened to Carly drone on about her and Mike . I honestly couldn 't care less , but as usual I feigned interest and kept any conflict to a minimum . At any second I expected my thoughts to drift away from Carly incessant yammering . And there it was . I forgot my wallet . I don 't even remember where I put it . I felt around all my pockets and nothing . Thankfully it was Carly 's day to pay so I didn 't have to worry as much . * * * I sat down in my chair near the door and planted my face in my arms . I absolutely hated this class . Well , more the professor than the class . He and I were total opposites and we viewed the world completely differently . We constantly argued about the " meaning " of everything since I just believe that the world is in constant chaos and things just happen . We never agreed on anything and being the asshole I am , I always had to argue my point until both of us gave up , or he kicked me out of the class . He walked away towards the back of the room . I saw him sit down in the back row and felt a rush of guilt overwhelm me . I got up and went to sit next to him . " I just assigned a report . You partner up with someone you don 't know or barely know and study them . Then you write a full report about why you think they are the way they are , " he said . I looked at Lucas and he looked back at me . A smile began to penetrate the stern look on his face that he was holding for so long , but he quickly stopped it . I held up my hand to ask a question and Robbins took a deep breath . I smiled when he turned away . I don 't know what made me feel better , freaking out the entire class , or having an academic reason to be friends with Lucas . I turned to Lucas with the smile still on my face and saw the shock on his . He stared at me in disbelief as I chuckled at everyone 's confusion . When class was dismissed , Lucas and I walked towards the parking lot together . There was silence between us that I wanted him to be the one to break . I wanted to think of something to say , but my mind was running on empty . " I 'm sorry , I really can 't . I promised Carly I 'd go see that counselor again . I have to go around 6 : 30 . " I said . I was . The first genuine smile on my face in two years , and Lucas was causing it . I had no idea what that actually meant . I just knew that I wanted to be around Lucas as much as I possibly could . We sat down at one of the tables outside . The light breeze swept through the little junction of stores . Lucas jumped face first into his sandwich while I slowly picked at my pasta . " Ok , " I said pulling the small locket out from under my shirt collar , " This locket belonged to my mother . She bought it one day when we went to Sea World . She always loved dolphins and when she saw this … she said it was the third time in her life that she was absolutely certain about something she wanted . " " I found it one day shortly before I left for school , and I put a picture of her in it . I wear it everyday to remind myself that what I 'm doing is important for me . No matter how far away I am , when I 'm wearing this locket I feel like I 'm right where I belong . " " Alright well , when I was a kid I always wanted to have a dog . My neighbor had a Doberman puppy and I was absolutely in love with it . But my dad was crazy allergic to dog hair , so we couldn 't have one , " he said . " Yeah … so anyway , when I was like 8 or 9 , my dad had a business trip up in Lake Tahoe , so my parents decided to just make it into a family vacation since it was during the summer . My mom and I were walking down a little junction of stores and I walked by this toy store . I looked in the window and saw this little Doberman Beanie Baby , " he said . " I know , I know , guys and Beanie Babies just don 't really mix , but I was just a kid . I begged my mom for like 20 minutes to buy it for me until she was finally convinced that it would keep me from begging for a real dog . As soon as I got it in my arms , I was never apart from it . I loved that dog so much , " he said . I looked at Lucas completely differently . The compassion and kindness that he had wasn 't something he did voluntarily . From his story , I could tell that it was just natural for him . I smiled back at him and nodded . At that moment , it was like everything slowed down . I looked into his bright hazel eyes and saw the vulnerability . I wasn 't looking at his vulnerability , but I could see myself in the reflection of his eyes . I was looking at mine . I had never told anyone about the locket I held with me everyday . I never reached that level of connection with anyone . And yet , here I sat with a near stranger , and I just spilled information about one of my greatest possessions without much provocation from him . It was like that deal between us established a trust that would take most people years to build . We instantly had a " You give , I give " connection . It felt amazing not only to trust someone so easily , but also to be trusted by that person with the same level of ease . I felt different , almost refreshed . I could feel the changes happening inside me . The warmth I locked away so many years ago was bubbling to the surface and pushing out the cold , logical , and emotionless version of me . That was an amazing chapter . I 'm really feeling for Luke and Aaron now . Hopefully they 'll get to be better friends . . . if Aaron 's head doesn 't do him in . What a great story - so well written ! I love the way you let us in to AAron 's inner voices . . . and I could feel the connection happening - blossoming ! I am an incurable romantic - I am loving this ! ! ! Hugs ! Reply With Quote August 15th , 2009 , 09 : 00 PM That was a wonderfully warm and touching chapter . Trust like that does not come easily . I have a feeling Aaron is going to be a little more reasonable with the counselor . He has something important to relay this time . Luke has that inner connection that anyone would be happy to share . Obviously he has some of the same concerns regarding friendships that Aaron has . I like the way things are going in this story . Eager to read the next chapter . Hey guys , so this chapter is a bit shorter but I wanted to get this part out of the way as soon as possible . I think I 've allowed you all get a better feel for Aaron in this chapter and I 'm going to bring in a few subtle hints and a few not so subtle hints with the next few chapters . Enjoy Wings of A Butterfly Veronica looked at me through her black rimmed glasses as I sat in the chair across from her . I subtly looked around the room to try and get a read on her in case I needed some ammo . She offered me a glass of tea , which I reluctantly accepted . Veronica examined me for a moment , as if to check for subtle hints that could actually lead her somewhere . She picked up her cup and sipped at her tea with her eyes closed . When she opened her eyes it was like a fire had been lit in her soul . She held more energy in them , as if she found something she could use . " I believe you agreed because you value your relationship with Carly , but you 're afraid of feeling vulnerable with another human being . So you fight them every step of the way , but you still end up doing things for them . You do it so you appear to care about them , but to also tell them that you wish you didn 't , " she said . " You think you know me after talking to me twice ? Well let me tell you something , you don 't know a thing about me . So you can sit up here in your little room with all your credentials hanging up on the wall and listen to other people complain about their problems . But me , I 'm going out there . I 'm going to do something that actually matters to the world . So you can take your assumptions about me and shove them up your ass because you have no idea why I am the way that I am . " I bolted out of my seat and stormed over towards the door . She was up and at the door faster than I could reach it . She held her hand against the door as I was trying to open it and storm out of the room . She looked calmly into my eyes and somehow forced the rage that was boiling under my skin to subside . She slowly walked back to her seat . As she sat down she motioned toward the chair for me to sit back down . I turned to face her and crossed my arms . " Before you can face whatever makes you afraid of connecting with other people , you need to tell at least one person what it is , " she said , " It doesn 't have to be me , it can be anyone . But until you tell someone , you 'll always be afraid of it . You 'll keep pushing people out of your life just as you 're about to get close to them . " Defeated , I walked back over to the chair across from her . I stared directly into her dark blue eyes . There was no anger or judgment in them . There was no hostility or restraint in mine either . I couldn 't see it , but I definitely felt it . " Aaron , there is no need for an apology . What you did was a classic outburst . In a way , it made it easier to see who you really are underneath this façade you portray , " she said . She looked up at me with confusion on her face . Her lips pursed and her brow wrinkled with intense thought . I noticed her right hand start flipping her pen around her fingers , something that my Psych professor said people do when they are working something over in their mind . She paused for a second . She put down her sandwich and kept her eyes low . She placed her arms on the table across her chest . Her eyes slowly looked up into mine and examined me for a moment . " Aaron , you haven 't been involved with any girl that I know of since I met you . You haven 't given any reason to believe that you 're straight . You 've never even stated whether you were straight or not . So yeah , I can believe that she may have thought so . " I grabbed my things and walked away . The wind was blowing gently , so I decided to follow it and see where it took me . I really didn 't care . It was Friday afternoon , and two days since I last saw Lucas . Me , being the idiot that I am , forgot to get his number . And both times I knocked on his door were not answered . I was walking by the Science and Health Studies building when a door opened and nearly hit me in the face . A crowd of students flew out the door and poured into the courtyard . Politely , I held the door open and waited for every last one of them to leave the room . The last person to leave was the last person I expected it to be . I rolled my eyes and pushed his shoulder . I didn 't even know where we were walking to , but we ended up at the east parking lot . I looked around for a moment in silence while standing next to Lucas waiting for the crosswalk to turn . He smiled and walked across the street with his golden hair being brushed by the light wind . As he walked away , I noticed he was slightly limping . I pushed it into the back of my mind for now and walked off towards the corner store with a small grin on my face . Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote August 17th , 2009 , 09 : 50 AM That was a very thought provoking chapter . It 's obvious Aaron can 't always stay on his sarcastic path . The counselor broke through and Luke has as well . He 's really not a bad ass after all . Now he has to come to terms with his sexuality and I hope Luke will begin that journey with him soon . Thanks for the update and looking for the next . Thanks for the speedy update . . . if only I could crank out quality work that quickly haha . I 'm VERY excited for the next chapter and to find out what this limp was all about . More more more ! ! ! Irish I knocked on his door three times , each knock slightly lower on the door than the other . I never noticed that I did it until now . Something about Lucas made me more aware of anything I did . Even my little weird things like my knock . The pizza in my left hand was starting to make my palm sweat , or at least that 's what I convinced myself was making it sweat . He opened the door and smiled at me . I opened the box and we each grabbed a slice . I sat back down in his chair and he flopped down on his bed and ate the slice in seconds . I laughed at him and he smiled awkwardly at me . A moment of silence passed between us as we ate . His eyes were glued to the ground and I could tell he was thinking of something that he wasn 't sure about saying . After I finished my slice , I took a deep breath . " Well it got me thinking , " he said , " And I thought about it all day . I 'm not trying to pry you for information or anything , but if you want we could make another deal . You tell me something , I 'll tell you something . " Lucas sat up and sat on the edge of his bed . He stared into my eyes and somehow , I felt a little better . The pain in my chest went away and I was able to hold the tears back a little better than before . " I came home from school one day and found her unconscious in the kitchen . I called 911 but it was too late . I found my mother dead that day . " " She worked so hard for me . She worked so hard to give me a good life … " I said , " But she never thought about what would happen to me if she was gone . " That did it . The tears pushed themselves out of my eyes and I fell forward into myself . Lucas stood up and kneeled down in front of me and caught me before I collapsed . He held me and I cried on his shoulder . " Aaron , that 's ok , " he said . He pulled me away from him and looked directly into my eyes . He placed both hands firmly , but gently , on my shoulders . " She obviously didn 't want you to know until it happened , " he said , " She was probably so scared about leaving you . She probably didn 't want you to have to live every single day in fear , and then have grief on top of that feeling after she died . It 's not wrong for you to be angry , but she probably didn 't tell you because of what knowing that she was going to die would do to you . " He looked firmly into my eyes . I could see his fixation , and from that I could tell that he did genuinely care about me . In my mind , I saw myself drowning . I couldn 't keep myself afloat , even though I had people around me trying to pull me out of the water . I was just about to give up and let myself fall beneath the surface , when I felt a hand grab my arm and lift me up . I looked into the eyes of my rescuer . The bright hazel colored eyes that penetrated my soul and brought down every barrier I had built . I looked back into his eyes and felt the pain be washed away . The tears stopped and I regained my composition . I took several deep breaths and calmed myself down . I sat up straight , never looking away from Lucas ' eyes . They made me feel safe . I nodded at him , but remained silent . I didn 't know what to do now . This was the most vulnerable I 've ever felt in my life . For the first time since my mom 's funeral , I cried in front of another person . I knew he felt the tension boiling inside me , so he wrapped his arms around me again to comfort me . I got up and put the movie in and pressed play . I sat back into the chair and he moved back onto his bed . I noticed he kept looking at me as if I were about to shatter into a million pieces . He walked over to his bookshelf , and I noticed his slight limp again . He turned around smiling with the case of October Sky in his hands . I must have had a worried look on my face or something because his smile disappeared and his eyes glazed over a bit . " It 's ok , " he said , " I talked to Jonathan this morning and he told me everything . He seemed so proud of it , so I yelled at him . Then he said , ' It 's not like I raped him or anything , ' and the next thing I knew , my fist flew into his face . I knocked him on the ground and he kicked me in the hip when I leaned in to help him up . " I smiled at him and he smiled back . At that moment , I felt like we were floating in a space of nothingness . There was nothing to worry about except whether or not we were flying or falling . That 's how it was with Lucas . I could be flying or falling , and it would make no difference to me . It was a challenge to be open with him , but at the same time I felt completely safe . We watched the movie in near silence . Apparently we both loved this movie so much that we could nearly recite the script . I swear at one point I saw him mouthing some of the words . But he just blushed and looked away from me . Lucas made me feel different than my other friends did . I didn 't have to worry about what I said or how I said it . I didn 't have to worry about whether or not I stepped on his toes . I didn 't have to worry about anything really . All I had to do was be myself and let him see my vulnerable side every once in a while . * * * It was nearly 11 at night when I got back to my dorm room . Jonathan was sitting at his desk . I could see very clearly where Lucas clocked him . I couldn 't help but smirk a little about it . " Look you little shit , " I said , " I really don 't care if you do drugs . You can OD on the shit for all I care . But if you EVER slip any of my friends any drugs again without them knowing about it , I swear to God I will rip off your balls and shove em down your throat . " " Do you have any idea what I did to people like you at my high school ? " I asked , " Well it would be NOTHING compared to what I would do to you if you came within 5 feet of Henry ever again . Do you understand me ? " He nodded with fear . I released my grip on his shirt and walked away from him . I didn 't hear him move at all , but when I looked back he was opening the door to leave . Wow ! How great to see Aaron being so vulnerable in telling Luke about his mother . Trusting another person so deeply takes a lot of fortitude . Then , along with Luke , being so protective of another friend . A maturity is growing within him and it suits him well . I like that he and Luke are bonding so well . Awesome chapter , ITC . Great work , ITC ! I love how comfortable he 's becoming with Luke . I can really feel this story going somewhere great ! I also enjoyed how both of them stood up for Henry , especially Aaron who only had Luke 's word on the matter . Aw ! THAT is Fantastic ! ! This is a Good story , itc ! THANK YOU ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote Page 1 of 9

Hey guys , so as promised I 've started on a new story . I 've been tweaking it for a couple days now , and I think it 's finally ready for public eyes . I wanna give a quick thanks to everyone who read and supported Graduation . And those who didn 't , well you should go read it : Graduation The clock that hung from the wall ticked loudly through the silence as the pendulum swung from side to side . I had probably been sitting there for 3 minutes without saying a word . What could I say though ? There was nothing on my mind and she seemed stubborn enough to not be the first one to break the silence between us . " Well , it 's really nothing huge . It 's just a bunch of little things . Homework , tests , social ties … stuff like that , " I said . The woman gently uncrossed and re - crossed her legs as she took a sip of her coffee . She stared at me beneath rectangular , black - rimmed glasses as if to signal me to continue . I really didn 't know what to say . I wasn 't even here by my own choice . Stupid school requirements were forcing me to come here . Apparently , when one student kills themselves , every other student must be suicidal as well . " I don 't know . I try to remind myself that I 'm actually doing pretty well in life . I think about that girl Rachel , the one who shot herself , and I just think about how messed up things must have been for her , " I said . " Not really , no . I mean , I didn 't actually know her so her death doesn 't make me sad . But I feel compassion for the people that cared about her . I 've seen them around and they look pretty fucked up , " I said . " It 's fine . No one is going to get mad at you here . I can have a fucking dirty mouth too sometimes , " she said with a smile . I smiled back at her , but it was just a courtesy smile . I really didn 't think I belonged here . On the outside , I was just a normal college student trying his best to do well in life . On the inside , I didn 't really care about much . All over , I was just your typical everyday teenager who just wanted to fit in and be accepted . " She 's great . We 've been friends since Junior High . She brings out the best kind of person in me . When I 'm around her , I just feel so free it 's as if I could be anyone I wanted to be , " I said . " There 's Carly 's boyfriend , Mike . He 's an ok guy . I wouldn 't consider him one of my best friends , but it 's important to Carly that I like him , so I do , " I said . " Well Aaron , from what I 've gathered there is no need for you to be in therapy . You are perfectly normal in every visual way . I 'll write up a dismissal form for you to turn in at the administrator 's office on campus … unless you want to tell me something else ? " she asked . We sat down at one of the picnic tables that were scattered around the campus . Carly dug right into her food but I just sat there playing with mine with my fork . The fork got stuck and I ended up flicking an olive into the air . I eyed her expression up and down . I was trying to tell if she was pulling my leg or if she was honestly suggesting this . She noticed me studying her face and stared back at me with a raised eyebrow . " Quite possibly , but more importantly I 'm actually serious . You 're so bitter and sarcastic all the time . You never actually talk about what 's bothering you , " she said . After Carly took off to her Philosophy class , I decided to walk around campus . My thought train was on several different tracks as it always was . The first track stayed focused on what I would talk about with the counselor . Would she ask me questions again , or would I have to come up with stuff on my own ? What if I couldn 't think of anything to say ? Did it really matter ? I shook my head at the thought . It didn 't matter at all because it wasn 't necessary . It 's not like there 's anything wrong with me . What 's a psychiatrist going to tell me that I don 't already know ? Whatever , it was for Carly anyway . As long as she was content with me then I was happy . She has no need to worry about me , and this was the only way to prove it to her . My second track was thinking about Rachel . Not about her death , but who she really was . I tried to come up with a picture of what her life was like before she killed herself . The news report said her brother and three of her friends were there when she did it . They said she tried to kill one of them , but her brother stopped her . It made me think that her brother was really close to her and meant a lot to her . But why would she kill herself instead of get help ? Did she really not want to live anymore or did she feel so ashamed about what she did that her brother wouldn 't love her anymore ? It was a sad thought , but I figured anyone who is desperate enough to kill themselves if it meant the pain would stop then she was beyond help . It was a sad thought sure , but it didn 't make me sad . Her brother must have had it rough though . If I had a brother or a sister , then I would probably be able to imagine what he felt . But I didn 't , so I didn 't care very much . My third track was about all the new people moving into the dorms after what happened . There were so few people living in the dorms before that I was able to live alone , but now I was being assigned a roommate . Joy . Another person that I have to socialize with every day , just what I wanted . I finally jumped off my thought train and looked at my watch realizing that it was 1 : 30 already . I decided to head back to the dorm and wait for my new roommate . When I walked past the main Administrator 's Office , I turned the corner sharply and accidentally bumped into someone . I hit my head against theirs and fell down on my ass . He lowered his hand towards me to lift me up . I rubbed my head with my left hand as I took his extended arm with my right . He pulled me up and steadied me . As my vision refocused I was able to see his face . He had a pair of bright green eyes fixated on me while I regained my balance . I took a step forward and wobbled a little . He grabbed my shoulder and laughed a little . Once I got my balance back I laughed a little as well and shook my head . " You want me to walk with you and make sure you don 't pass out ? " he asked flashing me his bright smile . We walked across the campus together , every now and then I would stumble a little and he caught me before I tripped over myself . Each time I did it he let out a chuckle . I probably looked like a complete idiot . We were about halfway across the campus when he started talking to me randomly . I looked up at him and admired him a little . I wasn 't a very creative person , and I respected those that were . I couldn 't draw anything to save my life , but I like looking at the work of those that could . He looked at me as we stopped outside of the north dorm building . His bright hazel eyes glimmered in the light from the sun . I studied them as discretely as I could and noticed that there was a hint of gold around the edges . He smiled and revealed a set of bright white teeth that would make a dentist jealous . I didn 't know what he was smiling at , so I raised an eyebrow at him . As he walked away , I tried to study what made him tick , and what made those thoughts slip out of my mind . Even with Carly , I kept all of my sarcasm in my head so I didn 't offend her at all . There was something different about Luke that I couldn 't quite put my finger on . He was like a book full of analogies and metaphors that made my brain itch . He was confusing and yet , I felt like I understood him at the same time . The only thing I didn 't understand was that bizarre question and answer session while we were walking . Did he honestly care if I was ok even though he just met me ? That had to be it ; and that officially made him tomorrow 's problem . Today 's problem was probably already upstairs unpacking it 's shit , and I had to go meet it and make nice with it for the rest of the semester . He was probably some weak little brainiac that was so afraid of the world that he had to move in with the big boys . It 's just what I needed this semester ; to be some pathetic genius ' bodyguard . I flopped down on my bed and closed my eyes for a moment . My thoughts instantly drifted to Lucas … I mean Luke . What was his deal ? No one could be that nice to someone they just met . Fuck , now I was obsessing . I opened my eyes and rubbed the spot on my forehead where his head hit mine . Just then the door popped open and my new roommate stepped inside , followed closely by that awkward moment . I think I 'm going to like this story ! Off to a really great start . I think I have a feeling who Aaron 's new roommate is going to be BTW , I LOVED Graduation ! ! ! You have such compelling storylines and I have a feeling I won 't be disappointed with this one either . Can 't wait for more ! ! already I have noticed some parallels ! rachel killed herself in " Graduation " and also had a brother who was concerned - - same here . I 'm guessing lucas / luke is the love interest ? he has sparking green eyes ( and a killer smile ) , just like Cameron . Reply With Quote July 18th , 2009 , 10 : 56 PM Hmmm ! Haven 't read " Graduation " . . . yet ! . . . but , I 'm liking this one . . . a LOT ! PLEASE keep up the great work ! I 'm definitely looking forward to reading more of YOU ! Very interesting perspective ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote July 19th , 2009 , 01 : 16 AM How great to sign on today and see one of my favorite authors had started a new story . I like the approach this one has and as ASDF pointed out , there are the parallels with " Graduation . " Who would have thought that a tragic event such as Rachael killing herself would have such a wide effect on someone that didn 't even know her . I can tell this is going to be as brilliant a story as " Graduation " but with an entirely new cast of characters . Looking forward to a long read . already I have noticed some parallels ! rachel killed herself in " Graduation " and also had a brother who was concerned - - same here . I 'm guessing lucas / luke is the love interest ? he has sparking green eyes ( and a killer smile ) , just like Cameron . Oops looks like I overlooked something while I was editing . His eyes were supposed to be Hazel . I guess I just missed that one And I 'm glad you guys like it so far . I 'm gonna start chapter two today and hopefully be finished soon . Thanks for the support guys ! Great start ! I really enjoyed " Graduation " , I think I 'll like this story too . Looking forward to chapter 2 already ! Reply With Quote July 23rd , 2009 , 05 : 34 AM ITC this is a great beginning . Looking forward to more . I know that it will be just as fantastic as Graduation and I think you know by now that that story was the greatest . H & K " He 's ok . He 's kinda quiet though . After he unpacked he just sat at his desk playing games on his computer , " I said . Henry and I were sitting in the Student Hall on campus . The building was amazing . It had a big sitting / study area on the main floor , a library on the second floor , and a bunch of little shops , food places , and even a bowling alley in the underground area . I sat on my favorite couch in the room and Henry sat in the armchair sitting adjacent to me . I turned around and looked at the doors behind me . Jonathan was standing there looking awkwardly into the crowd for a place to sit down . I couldn 't help but feel sorry for him . He honestly looked like a guy who just needed a friend . He turned his head and saw me staring at him , so I gave a kind of half wave at him . He looked away instantly and walked towards the stairs . Jonathan stopped dead in his tracks . He looked over at us and saw Henry waving him over to our area . I could see his hesitation and smell his fear from where I was sitting . I nodded at him when he turned his dark brown eyes to me . After a moment of awkward pause , he shifted his feet and walked slowly over to us . I found myself hating him a little bit . Not because he was so awkward , but because he didn 't seem to even want a social life . It was as if he was battling with himself on the inside , and I couldn 't tell if he was winning or losing . He was very difficult to read and for that , I couldn 't help but hate him . No one has been able to hide themselves from me for very long , but this kid was actually giving me a challenge . As he sat down on the opposite end of the couch I was sitting on , there was an awkward moment of silence between us . I gave a quick stink eye at him when he sat on my couch , but hid it before he or Henry could see it . I turned my attention to my laptop which had the website , Fmylife open . Henry noticed my shift in focus and started talking to Jonathan . Tuning out their conversation , I retreated into my thoughts . I nodded at appropriate times and feigned interest like I always did . To be honest , the conversations about this Rachel girl were getting repetitive . Someone who had minimal interaction with her would find someone else who had even less interaction with her and express what a " shock " it was when it happened . I was a little surprised when my thoughts crossed over the pain in my forehead , and suddenly all I could think of was Lucas . He perplexed me . He seemed to genuinely care about my wellbeing , but yet he didn 't ask for my number or ask to walk me up to my room or whatever . I concluded on the thought that he really didn 't care , and that he was just making sure I didn 't want to sue him or anything . My thoughts were interrupted by Henry 's voice . * * * Walking into the club , I heard the sounds of my favorite band , Paramore . Carly immediately began dancing to the tune of Crushcrushcrush as we were walking down the stairs to the main floor of the club . She flung her dark brown hair around in sync with the beat of the song and she pulled Mike out to the dance floor . Henry and I sat at the bar and saw Jonathan walking down the stairs . He was closely followed by Lucas and his eyes magnetically stuck to mine from across the room . I saw a smile creep across his face . He and Jonathan made their way over to the bar , but our eyes never separated . His were full of amusement , while mine were filled with annoyance . I gave him a glare and he burst into laughter . Jonathan and Henry broke off and started chatting while Lucas and I had a couple drinks . Lucas and I just sat at the bar talking about the music they were playing . I sat there stunned for a moment . No way were he and I in the same place at the same time worshiping the same band . I must have been staring for a few minutes because he broke me out of my trance by waving his hand in my face . We sat there as the final line of a song neither of us was paying attention to finished . Eagerly awaiting the next song to play , I looked around and noticed that everyone else was gone . The DJ shut off the sound system and the bartender told us they were closing in a few minutes . We stared at each other with wide eyes and disbelief . He got off his stool and motioned towards the staircase . I wiped my hands on my jeans and walked past him up the stairs . The cool , crisp air outside felt refreshing after being inside for God knows how long . I stretched a bit as Lucas emerged out of the stairway and chuckled at me . He smiled at me and I smiled back . It was then that I realized that I was doing exactly what I didn 't want to do . Acting on instinct , my mind took over and I broke this moment between us . I tried desperately to think of a rational excuse to keep from walking back with him , but failed miserably . I just nodded and walked beside him , not saying a word the whole mile and a half to the dorm . He tried to talk to me , but I made it very clear that I was " too tired to think " so he gave up after the third avoided question . We walked up the stairs of the dorm building and stood outside my room for a moment . Lucas burst into laughter that carried across the courtyard . We walked into the other dorm building and up the stairs to the third floor where Lucas ' room was . This building was much younger and nicer than the one I was living in . We walked into the room and my jaw nearly fell off when I saw the interior . It was at least twice as big as my room , and he didn 't even have a roommate . I went into the bathroom to take a piss and change and I came out to see him already under his covers . I walked softly over to the bed and sat down on it . As usual , I went over the day 's events in my head as a way of cataloguing any significance in any moment . I stopped at the brief moment between Lucas and I outside the club and couldn 't decide if that was significant . Without thinking , I blurted out a question to Lucas . I turned over and lay down on the bed . I stared at the ceiling and kept thinking about that exchange of smiles . As much as I disliked the idea , I had found a new friend in Lucas Harper . That wasn 't what was bothering me though . The issue I was bumping up against was whether or not I would drive him away . He was so different from the people I was friends with . Carly and Henry were just as closed of as I was … I mean am . But Lucas has a warming quality that I was afraid of breaking . I turned over , facing away from Lucas , and started drifting off to sleep . I could hear him lightly snoring from his bed behind me , and for the first time in a while , I let out a genuine laugh . It wasn 't forced or fake . And that 's when I realized that I actually liked Lucas . I was friends with Henry because we were in the same social group and had similar taste in music . I was friends with Carly because we 've been together nearly since birth . And right now , I couldn 't really tell if I actually liked either of them . THANK YOU ! , itc ! Excellent ! Been waiting for this 2nd chapter , and , in the mean time , read " Graduation " ! Now I understand the " tie in " here . Fantastic ! ! I 'm truly enjoying your writing style ! And , especially appreciate your including Aaron 's " inner conversation " with himself . Definitely looking forward to more ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote August 10th , 2009 , 11 : 44 AM Happy to see an addition to the story . I am certain Aaron and Lucas are going to be very good friends . . . . . . . . . . . . hopefully more . Like Littletosay , I wonder if Henry and Jonathan are getting to know each other . . . lol Great chapter ITC ! I felt the vibrations of my phone beneath my pillow . It was just loud enough to wake me , but not enough to stir Lucas out of his sleep . I slowly and quietly changed clothes and left his room . The sun was barely coming up and all I could think of was how much I missed my mother . I clutched the locket that hid beneath my shirt as my breathing became heavy with grief . I looked away from the sunrise and just walked around for a little while . I felt bad for leaving Lucas like that , but it was pointless for me to let myself get close to someone else . I listened to the voice in my head telling me that I had enough . Any more than what I already have would just make things harder . I would have just left it at that , but then I heard a voice I hadn 't heard in a long time . There was a name I hadn 't thought of in years . He was a lot like Lucas , or at least what I 've witnessed from Lucas so far . We complemented each other like cheese and macaroni . Everyone thought we were twins because between the two of us , we knew everything . We were like two halves of an apple . At least , until his dad 's company relocated his family to a small town three states away . That was about two years before I met Henry . If it weren 't for Carly I wouldn 't have even had Henry . But life has been hard enough since then , I don 't need someone else who I am certain will cause me pain one day . The argument in my mind subsided as I once again listened to my negativity and decided that Lucas was too good for me to even try to be his friend . I passed through the doors of my dorm building and saw Henry laying on one of the couches in the lounge . He looked totally smashed from last night . I walked up to him and flicked his ear . When I got him up to his dorm room , I went back downstairs to mine to see if Jonathan was still there . I looked at my watch and it was now 7 : 30 a . m . I poked my head into the room and saw that no one was inside . It reeked of sex so I grabbed the air freshener and just blasted it around the room . I sat on my bed and dropped my head into my hands for a moment . I actually didn 't know Henry as well as I thought . He could have done it himself , but I didn 't want to believe it . I especially didn 't want to because it was our usually breakfast day . It was the only morning the three of us had off at the same time , so we went to the local IHOP and caught up with the week 's events . I shoved my sausages into my mouth and listened to Carly drone on about her and Mike . I honestly couldn 't care less , but as usual I feigned interest and kept any conflict to a minimum . At any second I expected my thoughts to drift away from Carly incessant yammering . And there it was . I forgot my wallet . I don 't even remember where I put it . I felt around all my pockets and nothing . Thankfully it was Carly 's day to pay so I didn 't have to worry as much . * * * I sat down in my chair near the door and planted my face in my arms . I absolutely hated this class . Well , more the professor than the class . He and I were total opposites and we viewed the world completely differently . We constantly argued about the " meaning " of everything since I just believe that the world is in constant chaos and things just happen . We never agreed on anything and being the asshole I am , I always had to argue my point until both of us gave up , or he kicked me out of the class . He walked away towards the back of the room . I saw him sit down in the back row and felt a rush of guilt overwhelm me . I got up and went to sit next to him . " I just assigned a report . You partner up with someone you don 't know or barely know and study them . Then you write a full report about why you think they are the way they are , " he said . I looked at Lucas and he looked back at me . A smile began to penetrate the stern look on his face that he was holding for so long , but he quickly stopped it . I held up my hand to ask a question and Robbins took a deep breath . I smiled when he turned away . I don 't know what made me feel better , freaking out the entire class , or having an academic reason to be friends with Lucas . I turned to Lucas with the smile still on my face and saw the shock on his . He stared at me in disbelief as I chuckled at everyone 's confusion . When class was dismissed , Lucas and I walked towards the parking lot together . There was silence between us that I wanted him to be the one to break . I wanted to think of something to say , but my mind was running on empty . " I 'm sorry , I really can 't . I promised Carly I 'd go see that counselor again . I have to go around 6 : 30 . " I said . I was . The first genuine smile on my face in two years , and Lucas was causing it . I had no idea what that actually meant . I just knew that I wanted to be around Lucas as much as I possibly could . We sat down at one of the tables outside . The light breeze swept through the little junction of stores . Lucas jumped face first into his sandwich while I slowly picked at my pasta . " Ok , " I said pulling the small locket out from under my shirt collar , " This locket belonged to my mother . She bought it one day when we went to Sea World . She always loved dolphins and when she saw this … she said it was the third time in her life that she was absolutely certain about something she wanted . " " I found it one day shortly before I left for school , and I put a picture of her in it . I wear it everyday to remind myself that what I 'm doing is important for me . No matter how far away I am , when I 'm wearing this locket I feel like I 'm right where I belong . " " Alright well , when I was a kid I always wanted to have a dog . My neighbor had a Doberman puppy and I was absolutely in love with it . But my dad was crazy allergic to dog hair , so we couldn 't have one , " he said . " Yeah … so anyway , when I was like 8 or 9 , my dad had a business trip up in Lake Tahoe , so my parents decided to just make it into a family vacation since it was during the summer . My mom and I were walking down a little junction of stores and I walked by this toy store . I looked in the window and saw this little Doberman Beanie Baby , " he said . " I know , I know , guys and Beanie Babies just don 't really mix , but I was just a kid . I begged my mom for like 20 minutes to buy it for me until she was finally convinced that it would keep me from begging for a real dog . As soon as I got it in my arms , I was never apart from it . I loved that dog so much , " he said . I looked at Lucas completely differently . The compassion and kindness that he had wasn 't something he did voluntarily . From his story , I could tell that it was just natural for him . I smiled back at him and nodded . At that moment , it was like everything slowed down . I looked into his bright hazel eyes and saw the vulnerability . I wasn 't looking at his vulnerability , but I could see myself in the reflection of his eyes . I was looking at mine . I had never told anyone about the locket I held with me everyday . I never reached that level of connection with anyone . And yet , here I sat with a near stranger , and I just spilled information about one of my greatest possessions without much provocation from him . It was like that deal between us established a trust that would take most people years to build . We instantly had a " You give , I give " connection . It felt amazing not only to trust someone so easily , but also to be trusted by that person with the same level of ease . I felt different , almost refreshed . I could feel the changes happening inside me . The warmth I locked away so many years ago was bubbling to the surface and pushing out the cold , logical , and emotionless version of me . That was an amazing chapter . I 'm really feeling for Luke and Aaron now . Hopefully they 'll get to be better friends . . . if Aaron 's head doesn 't do him in . What a great story - so well written ! I love the way you let us in to AAron 's inner voices . . . and I could feel the connection happening - blossoming ! I am an incurable romantic - I am loving this ! ! ! Hugs ! Reply With Quote August 15th , 2009 , 09 : 00 PM That was a wonderfully warm and touching chapter . Trust like that does not come easily . I have a feeling Aaron is going to be a little more reasonable with the counselor . He has something important to relay this time . Luke has that inner connection that anyone would be happy to share . Obviously he has some of the same concerns regarding friendships that Aaron has . I like the way things are going in this story . Eager to read the next chapter . Hey guys , so this chapter is a bit shorter but I wanted to get this part out of the way as soon as possible . I think I 've allowed you all get a better feel for Aaron in this chapter and I 'm going to bring in a few subtle hints and a few not so subtle hints with the next few chapters . Enjoy Wings of A Butterfly Veronica looked at me through her black rimmed glasses as I sat in the chair across from her . I subtly looked around the room to try and get a read on her in case I needed some ammo . She offered me a glass of tea , which I reluctantly accepted . Veronica examined me for a moment , as if to check for subtle hints that could actually lead her somewhere . She picked up her cup and sipped at her tea with her eyes closed . When she opened her eyes it was like a fire had been lit in her soul . She held more energy in them , as if she found something she could use . " I believe you agreed because you value your relationship with Carly , but you 're afraid of feeling vulnerable with another human being . So you fight them every step of the way , but you still end up doing things for them . You do it so you appear to care about them , but to also tell them that you wish you didn 't , " she said . " You think you know me after talking to me twice ? Well let me tell you something , you don 't know a thing about me . So you can sit up here in your little room with all your credentials hanging up on the wall and listen to other people complain about their problems . But me , I 'm going out there . I 'm going to do something that actually matters to the world . So you can take your assumptions about me and shove them up your ass because you have no idea why I am the way that I am . " I bolted out of my seat and stormed over towards the door . She was up and at the door faster than I could reach it . She held her hand against the door as I was trying to open it and storm out of the room . She looked calmly into my eyes and somehow forced the rage that was boiling under my skin to subside . She slowly walked back to her seat . As she sat down she motioned toward the chair for me to sit back down . I turned to face her and crossed my arms . " Before you can face whatever makes you afraid of connecting with other people , you need to tell at least one person what it is , " she said , " It doesn 't have to be me , it can be anyone . But until you tell someone , you 'll always be afraid of it . You 'll keep pushing people out of your life just as you 're about to get close to them . " Defeated , I walked back over to the chair across from her . I stared directly into her dark blue eyes . There was no anger or judgment in them . There was no hostility or restraint in mine either . I couldn 't see it , but I definitely felt it . " Aaron , there is no need for an apology . What you did was a classic outburst . In a way , it made it easier to see who you really are underneath this façade you portray , " she said . She looked up at me with confusion on her face . Her lips pursed and her brow wrinkled with intense thought . I noticed her right hand start flipping her pen around her fingers , something that my Psych professor said people do when they are working something over in their mind . She paused for a second . She put down her sandwich and kept her eyes low . She placed her arms on the table across her chest . Her eyes slowly looked up into mine and examined me for a moment . " Aaron , you haven 't been involved with any girl that I know of since I met you . You haven 't given any reason to believe that you 're straight . You 've never even stated whether you were straight or not . So yeah , I can believe that she may have thought so . " I grabbed my things and walked away . The wind was blowing gently , so I decided to follow it and see where it took me . I really didn 't care . It was Friday afternoon , and two days since I last saw Lucas . Me , being the idiot that I am , forgot to get his number . And both times I knocked on his door were not answered . I was walking by the Science and Health Studies building when a door opened and nearly hit me in the face . A crowd of students flew out the door and poured into the courtyard . Politely , I held the door open and waited for every last one of them to leave the room . The last person to leave was the last person I expected it to be . I rolled my eyes and pushed his shoulder . I didn 't even know where we were walking to , but we ended up at the east parking lot . I looked around for a moment in silence while standing next to Lucas waiting for the crosswalk to turn . He smiled and walked across the street with his golden hair being brushed by the light wind . As he walked away , I noticed he was slightly limping . I pushed it into the back of my mind for now and walked off towards the corner store with a small grin on my face . Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote August 17th , 2009 , 09 : 50 AM That was a very thought provoking chapter . It 's obvious Aaron can 't always stay on his sarcastic path . The counselor broke through and Luke has as well . He 's really not a bad ass after all . Now he has to come to terms with his sexuality and I hope Luke will begin that journey with him soon . Thanks for the update and looking for the next . Thanks for the speedy update . . . if only I could crank out quality work that quickly haha . I 'm VERY excited for the next chapter and to find out what this limp was all about . More more more ! ! ! Irish I knocked on his door three times , each knock slightly lower on the door than the other . I never noticed that I did it until now . Something about Lucas made me more aware of anything I did . Even my little weird things like my knock . The pizza in my left hand was starting to make my palm sweat , or at least that 's what I convinced myself was making it sweat . He opened the door and smiled at me . I opened the box and we each grabbed a slice . I sat back down in his chair and he flopped down on his bed and ate the slice in seconds . I laughed at him and he smiled awkwardly at me . A moment of silence passed between us as we ate . His eyes were glued to the ground and I could tell he was thinking of something that he wasn 't sure about saying . After I finished my slice , I took a deep breath . " Well it got me thinking , " he said , " And I thought about it all day . I 'm not trying to pry you for information or anything , but if you want we could make another deal . You tell me something , I 'll tell you something . " Lucas sat up and sat on the edge of his bed . He stared into my eyes and somehow , I felt a little better . The pain in my chest went away and I was able to hold the tears back a little better than before . " I came home from school one day and found her unconscious in the kitchen . I called 911 but it was too late . I found my mother dead that day . " " She worked so hard for me . She worked so hard to give me a good life … " I said , " But she never thought about what would happen to me if she was gone . " That did it . The tears pushed themselves out of my eyes and I fell forward into myself . Lucas stood up and kneeled down in front of me and caught me before I collapsed . He held me and I cried on his shoulder . " Aaron , that 's ok , " he said . He pulled me away from him and looked directly into my eyes . He placed both hands firmly , but gently , on my shoulders . " She obviously didn 't want you to know until it happened , " he said , " She was probably so scared about leaving you . She probably didn 't want you to have to live every single day in fear , and then have grief on top of that feeling after she died . It 's not wrong for you to be angry , but she probably didn 't tell you because of what knowing that she was going to die would do to you . " He looked firmly into my eyes . I could see his fixation , and from that I could tell that he did genuinely care about me . In my mind , I saw myself drowning . I couldn 't keep myself afloat , even though I had people around me trying to pull me out of the water . I was just about to give up and let myself fall beneath the surface , when I felt a hand grab my arm and lift me up . I looked into the eyes of my rescuer . The bright hazel colored eyes that penetrated my soul and brought down every barrier I had built . I looked back into his eyes and felt the pain be washed away . The tears stopped and I regained my composition . I took several deep breaths and calmed myself down . I sat up straight , never looking away from Lucas ' eyes . They made me feel safe . I nodded at him , but remained silent . I didn 't know what to do now . This was the most vulnerable I 've ever felt in my life . For the first time since my mom 's funeral , I cried in front of another person . I knew he felt the tension boiling inside me , so he wrapped his arms around me again to comfort me . I got up and put the movie in and pressed play . I sat back into the chair and he moved back onto his bed . I noticed he kept looking at me as if I were about to shatter into a million pieces . He walked over to his bookshelf , and I noticed his slight limp again . He turned around smiling with the case of October Sky in his hands . I must have had a worried look on my face or something because his smile disappeared and his eyes glazed over a bit . " It 's ok , " he said , " I talked to Jonathan this morning and he told me everything . He seemed so proud of it , so I yelled at him . Then he said , ' It 's not like I raped him or anything , ' and the next thing I knew , my fist flew into his face . I knocked him on the ground and he kicked me in the hip when I leaned in to help him up . " I smiled at him and he smiled back . At that moment , I felt like we were floating in a space of nothingness . There was nothing to worry about except whether or not we were flying or falling . That 's how it was with Lucas . I could be flying or falling , and it would make no difference to me . It was a challenge to be open with him , but at the same time I felt completely safe . We watched the movie in near silence . Apparently we both loved this movie so much that we could nearly recite the script . I swear at one point I saw him mouthing some of the words . But he just blushed and looked away from me . Lucas made me feel different than my other friends did . I didn 't have to worry about what I said or how I said it . I didn 't have to worry about whether or not I stepped on his toes . I didn 't have to worry about anything really . All I had to do was be myself and let him see my vulnerable side every once in a while . * * * It was nearly 11 at night when I got back to my dorm room . Jonathan was sitting at his desk . I could see very clearly where Lucas clocked him . I couldn 't help but smirk a little about it . " Look you little shit , " I said , " I really don 't care if you do drugs . You can OD on the shit for all I care . But if you EVER slip any of my friends any drugs again without them knowing about it , I swear to God I will rip off your balls and shove em down your throat . " " Do you have any idea what I did to people like you at my high school ? " I asked , " Well it would be NOTHING compared to what I would do to you if you came within 5 feet of Henry ever again . Do you understand me ? " He nodded with fear . I released my grip on his shirt and walked away from him . I didn 't hear him move at all , but when I looked back he was opening the door to leave . Wow ! How great to see Aaron being so vulnerable in telling Luke about his mother . Trusting another person so deeply takes a lot of fortitude . Then , along with Luke , being so protective of another friend . A maturity is growing within him and it suits him well . I like that he and Luke are bonding so well . Awesome chapter , ITC . Great work , ITC ! I love how comfortable he 's becoming with Luke . I can really feel this story going somewhere great ! I also enjoyed how both of them stood up for Henry , especially Aaron who only had Luke 's word on the matter . Aw ! THAT is Fantastic ! ! This is a Good story , itc ! THANK YOU ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote Page 1 of 9

Hey guys , so as promised I 've started on a new story . I 've been tweaking it for a couple days now , and I think it 's finally ready for public eyes . I wanna give a quick thanks to everyone who read and supported Graduation . And those who didn 't , well you should go read it : Graduation The clock that hung from the wall ticked loudly through the silence as the pendulum swung from side to side . I had probably been sitting there for 3 minutes without saying a word . What could I say though ? There was nothing on my mind and she seemed stubborn enough to not be the first one to break the silence between us . " Well , it 's really nothing huge . It 's just a bunch of little things . Homework , tests , social ties … stuff like that , " I said . The woman gently uncrossed and re - crossed her legs as she took a sip of her coffee . She stared at me beneath rectangular , black - rimmed glasses as if to signal me to continue . I really didn 't know what to say . I wasn 't even here by my own choice . Stupid school requirements were forcing me to come here . Apparently , when one student kills themselves , every other student must be suicidal as well . " I don 't know . I try to remind myself that I 'm actually doing pretty well in life . I think about that girl Rachel , the one who shot herself , and I just think about how messed up things must have been for her , " I said . " Not really , no . I mean , I didn 't actually know her so her death doesn 't make me sad . But I feel compassion for the people that cared about her . I 've seen them around and they look pretty fucked up , " I said . " It 's fine . No one is going to get mad at you here . I can have a fucking dirty mouth too sometimes , " she said with a smile . I smiled back at her , but it was just a courtesy smile . I really didn 't think I belonged here . On the outside , I was just a normal college student trying his best to do well in life . On the inside , I didn 't really care about much . All over , I was just your typical everyday teenager who just wanted to fit in and be accepted . " She 's great . We 've been friends since Junior High . She brings out the best kind of person in me . When I 'm around her , I just feel so free it 's as if I could be anyone I wanted to be , " I said . " There 's Carly 's boyfriend , Mike . He 's an ok guy . I wouldn 't consider him one of my best friends , but it 's important to Carly that I like him , so I do , " I said . " Well Aaron , from what I 've gathered there is no need for you to be in therapy . You are perfectly normal in every visual way . I 'll write up a dismissal form for you to turn in at the administrator 's office on campus … unless you want to tell me something else ? " she asked . We sat down at one of the picnic tables that were scattered around the campus . Carly dug right into her food but I just sat there playing with mine with my fork . The fork got stuck and I ended up flicking an olive into the air . I eyed her expression up and down . I was trying to tell if she was pulling my leg or if she was honestly suggesting this . She noticed me studying her face and stared back at me with a raised eyebrow . " Quite possibly , but more importantly I 'm actually serious . You 're so bitter and sarcastic all the time . You never actually talk about what 's bothering you , " she said . After Carly took off to her Philosophy class , I decided to walk around campus . My thought train was on several different tracks as it always was . The first track stayed focused on what I would talk about with the counselor . Would she ask me questions again , or would I have to come up with stuff on my own ? What if I couldn 't think of anything to say ? Did it really matter ? I shook my head at the thought . It didn 't matter at all because it wasn 't necessary . It 's not like there 's anything wrong with me . What 's a psychiatrist going to tell me that I don 't already know ? Whatever , it was for Carly anyway . As long as she was content with me then I was happy . She has no need to worry about me , and this was the only way to prove it to her . My second track was thinking about Rachel . Not about her death , but who she really was . I tried to come up with a picture of what her life was like before she killed herself . The news report said her brother and three of her friends were there when she did it . They said she tried to kill one of them , but her brother stopped her . It made me think that her brother was really close to her and meant a lot to her . But why would she kill herself instead of get help ? Did she really not want to live anymore or did she feel so ashamed about what she did that her brother wouldn 't love her anymore ? It was a sad thought , but I figured anyone who is desperate enough to kill themselves if it meant the pain would stop then she was beyond help . It was a sad thought sure , but it didn 't make me sad . Her brother must have had it rough though . If I had a brother or a sister , then I would probably be able to imagine what he felt . But I didn 't , so I didn 't care very much . My third track was about all the new people moving into the dorms after what happened . There were so few people living in the dorms before that I was able to live alone , but now I was being assigned a roommate . Joy . Another person that I have to socialize with every day , just what I wanted . I finally jumped off my thought train and looked at my watch realizing that it was 1 : 30 already . I decided to head back to the dorm and wait for my new roommate . When I walked past the main Administrator 's Office , I turned the corner sharply and accidentally bumped into someone . I hit my head against theirs and fell down on my ass . He lowered his hand towards me to lift me up . I rubbed my head with my left hand as I took his extended arm with my right . He pulled me up and steadied me . As my vision refocused I was able to see his face . He had a pair of bright green eyes fixated on me while I regained my balance . I took a step forward and wobbled a little . He grabbed my shoulder and laughed a little . Once I got my balance back I laughed a little as well and shook my head . " You want me to walk with you and make sure you don 't pass out ? " he asked flashing me his bright smile . We walked across the campus together , every now and then I would stumble a little and he caught me before I tripped over myself . Each time I did it he let out a chuckle . I probably looked like a complete idiot . We were about halfway across the campus when he started talking to me randomly . I looked up at him and admired him a little . I wasn 't a very creative person , and I respected those that were . I couldn 't draw anything to save my life , but I like looking at the work of those that could . He looked at me as we stopped outside of the north dorm building . His bright hazel eyes glimmered in the light from the sun . I studied them as discretely as I could and noticed that there was a hint of gold around the edges . He smiled and revealed a set of bright white teeth that would make a dentist jealous . I didn 't know what he was smiling at , so I raised an eyebrow at him . As he walked away , I tried to study what made him tick , and what made those thoughts slip out of my mind . Even with Carly , I kept all of my sarcasm in my head so I didn 't offend her at all . There was something different about Luke that I couldn 't quite put my finger on . He was like a book full of analogies and metaphors that made my brain itch . He was confusing and yet , I felt like I understood him at the same time . The only thing I didn 't understand was that bizarre question and answer session while we were walking . Did he honestly care if I was ok even though he just met me ? That had to be it ; and that officially made him tomorrow 's problem . Today 's problem was probably already upstairs unpacking it 's shit , and I had to go meet it and make nice with it for the rest of the semester . He was probably some weak little brainiac that was so afraid of the world that he had to move in with the big boys . It 's just what I needed this semester ; to be some pathetic genius ' bodyguard . I flopped down on my bed and closed my eyes for a moment . My thoughts instantly drifted to Lucas … I mean Luke . What was his deal ? No one could be that nice to someone they just met . Fuck , now I was obsessing . I opened my eyes and rubbed the spot on my forehead where his head hit mine . Just then the door popped open and my new roommate stepped inside , followed closely by that awkward moment . I think I 'm going to like this story ! Off to a really great start . I think I have a feeling who Aaron 's new roommate is going to be BTW , I LOVED Graduation ! ! ! You have such compelling storylines and I have a feeling I won 't be disappointed with this one either . Can 't wait for more ! ! already I have noticed some parallels ! rachel killed herself in " Graduation " and also had a brother who was concerned - - same here . I 'm guessing lucas / luke is the love interest ? he has sparking green eyes ( and a killer smile ) , just like Cameron . Reply With Quote July 18th , 2009 , 10 : 56 PM Hmmm ! Haven 't read " Graduation " . . . yet ! . . . but , I 'm liking this one . . . a LOT ! PLEASE keep up the great work ! I 'm definitely looking forward to reading more of YOU ! Very interesting perspective ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote July 19th , 2009 , 01 : 16 AM How great to sign on today and see one of my favorite authors had started a new story . I like the approach this one has and as ASDF pointed out , there are the parallels with " Graduation . " Who would have thought that a tragic event such as Rachael killing herself would have such a wide effect on someone that didn 't even know her . I can tell this is going to be as brilliant a story as " Graduation " but with an entirely new cast of characters . Looking forward to a long read . already I have noticed some parallels ! rachel killed herself in " Graduation " and also had a brother who was concerned - - same here . I 'm guessing lucas / luke is the love interest ? he has sparking green eyes ( and a killer smile ) , just like Cameron . Oops looks like I overlooked something while I was editing . His eyes were supposed to be Hazel . I guess I just missed that one And I 'm glad you guys like it so far . I 'm gonna start chapter two today and hopefully be finished soon . Thanks for the support guys ! Great start ! I really enjoyed " Graduation " , I think I 'll like this story too . Looking forward to chapter 2 already ! Reply With Quote July 23rd , 2009 , 05 : 34 AM ITC this is a great beginning . Looking forward to more . I know that it will be just as fantastic as Graduation and I think you know by now that that story was the greatest . H & K " He 's ok . He 's kinda quiet though . After he unpacked he just sat at his desk playing games on his computer , " I said . Henry and I were sitting in the Student Hall on campus . The building was amazing . It had a big sitting / study area on the main floor , a library on the second floor , and a bunch of little shops , food places , and even a bowling alley in the underground area . I sat on my favorite couch in the room and Henry sat in the armchair sitting adjacent to me . I turned around and looked at the doors behind me . Jonathan was standing there looking awkwardly into the crowd for a place to sit down . I couldn 't help but feel sorry for him . He honestly looked like a guy who just needed a friend . He turned his head and saw me staring at him , so I gave a kind of half wave at him . He looked away instantly and walked towards the stairs . Jonathan stopped dead in his tracks . He looked over at us and saw Henry waving him over to our area . I could see his hesitation and smell his fear from where I was sitting . I nodded at him when he turned his dark brown eyes to me . After a moment of awkward pause , he shifted his feet and walked slowly over to us . I found myself hating him a little bit . Not because he was so awkward , but because he didn 't seem to even want a social life . It was as if he was battling with himself on the inside , and I couldn 't tell if he was winning or losing . He was very difficult to read and for that , I couldn 't help but hate him . No one has been able to hide themselves from me for very long , but this kid was actually giving me a challenge . As he sat down on the opposite end of the couch I was sitting on , there was an awkward moment of silence between us . I gave a quick stink eye at him when he sat on my couch , but hid it before he or Henry could see it . I turned my attention to my laptop which had the website , Fmylife open . Henry noticed my shift in focus and started talking to Jonathan . Tuning out their conversation , I retreated into my thoughts . I nodded at appropriate times and feigned interest like I always did . To be honest , the conversations about this Rachel girl were getting repetitive . Someone who had minimal interaction with her would find someone else who had even less interaction with her and express what a " shock " it was when it happened . I was a little surprised when my thoughts crossed over the pain in my forehead , and suddenly all I could think of was Lucas . He perplexed me . He seemed to genuinely care about my wellbeing , but yet he didn 't ask for my number or ask to walk me up to my room or whatever . I concluded on the thought that he really didn 't care , and that he was just making sure I didn 't want to sue him or anything . My thoughts were interrupted by Henry 's voice . * * * Walking into the club , I heard the sounds of my favorite band , Paramore . Carly immediately began dancing to the tune of Crushcrushcrush as we were walking down the stairs to the main floor of the club . She flung her dark brown hair around in sync with the beat of the song and she pulled Mike out to the dance floor . Henry and I sat at the bar and saw Jonathan walking down the stairs . He was closely followed by Lucas and his eyes magnetically stuck to mine from across the room . I saw a smile creep across his face . He and Jonathan made their way over to the bar , but our eyes never separated . His were full of amusement , while mine were filled with annoyance . I gave him a glare and he burst into laughter . Jonathan and Henry broke off and started chatting while Lucas and I had a couple drinks . Lucas and I just sat at the bar talking about the music they were playing . I sat there stunned for a moment . No way were he and I in the same place at the same time worshiping the same band . I must have been staring for a few minutes because he broke me out of my trance by waving his hand in my face . We sat there as the final line of a song neither of us was paying attention to finished . Eagerly awaiting the next song to play , I looked around and noticed that everyone else was gone . The DJ shut off the sound system and the bartender told us they were closing in a few minutes . We stared at each other with wide eyes and disbelief . He got off his stool and motioned towards the staircase . I wiped my hands on my jeans and walked past him up the stairs . The cool , crisp air outside felt refreshing after being inside for God knows how long . I stretched a bit as Lucas emerged out of the stairway and chuckled at me . He smiled at me and I smiled back . It was then that I realized that I was doing exactly what I didn 't want to do . Acting on instinct , my mind took over and I broke this moment between us . I tried desperately to think of a rational excuse to keep from walking back with him , but failed miserably . I just nodded and walked beside him , not saying a word the whole mile and a half to the dorm . He tried to talk to me , but I made it very clear that I was " too tired to think " so he gave up after the third avoided question . We walked up the stairs of the dorm building and stood outside my room for a moment . Lucas burst into laughter that carried across the courtyard . We walked into the other dorm building and up the stairs to the third floor where Lucas ' room was . This building was much younger and nicer than the one I was living in . We walked into the room and my jaw nearly fell off when I saw the interior . It was at least twice as big as my room , and he didn 't even have a roommate . I went into the bathroom to take a piss and change and I came out to see him already under his covers . I walked softly over to the bed and sat down on it . As usual , I went over the day 's events in my head as a way of cataloguing any significance in any moment . I stopped at the brief moment between Lucas and I outside the club and couldn 't decide if that was significant . Without thinking , I blurted out a question to Lucas . I turned over and lay down on the bed . I stared at the ceiling and kept thinking about that exchange of smiles . As much as I disliked the idea , I had found a new friend in Lucas Harper . That wasn 't what was bothering me though . The issue I was bumping up against was whether or not I would drive him away . He was so different from the people I was friends with . Carly and Henry were just as closed of as I was … I mean am . But Lucas has a warming quality that I was afraid of breaking . I turned over , facing away from Lucas , and started drifting off to sleep . I could hear him lightly snoring from his bed behind me , and for the first time in a while , I let out a genuine laugh . It wasn 't forced or fake . And that 's when I realized that I actually liked Lucas . I was friends with Henry because we were in the same social group and had similar taste in music . I was friends with Carly because we 've been together nearly since birth . And right now , I couldn 't really tell if I actually liked either of them . THANK YOU ! , itc ! Excellent ! Been waiting for this 2nd chapter , and , in the mean time , read " Graduation " ! Now I understand the " tie in " here . Fantastic ! ! I 'm truly enjoying your writing style ! And , especially appreciate your including Aaron 's " inner conversation " with himself . Definitely looking forward to more ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote August 10th , 2009 , 11 : 44 AM Happy to see an addition to the story . I am certain Aaron and Lucas are going to be very good friends . . . . . . . . . . . . hopefully more . Like Littletosay , I wonder if Henry and Jonathan are getting to know each other . . . lol Great chapter ITC ! I felt the vibrations of my phone beneath my pillow . It was just loud enough to wake me , but not enough to stir Lucas out of his sleep . I slowly and quietly changed clothes and left his room . The sun was barely coming up and all I could think of was how much I missed my mother . I clutched the locket that hid beneath my shirt as my breathing became heavy with grief . I looked away from the sunrise and just walked around for a little while . I felt bad for leaving Lucas like that , but it was pointless for me to let myself get close to someone else . I listened to the voice in my head telling me that I had enough . Any more than what I already have would just make things harder . I would have just left it at that , but then I heard a voice I hadn 't heard in a long time . There was a name I hadn 't thought of in years . He was a lot like Lucas , or at least what I 've witnessed from Lucas so far . We complemented each other like cheese and macaroni . Everyone thought we were twins because between the two of us , we knew everything . We were like two halves of an apple . At least , until his dad 's company relocated his family to a small town three states away . That was about two years before I met Henry . If it weren 't for Carly I wouldn 't have even had Henry . But life has been hard enough since then , I don 't need someone else who I am certain will cause me pain one day . The argument in my mind subsided as I once again listened to my negativity and decided that Lucas was too good for me to even try to be his friend . I passed through the doors of my dorm building and saw Henry laying on one of the couches in the lounge . He looked totally smashed from last night . I walked up to him and flicked his ear . When I got him up to his dorm room , I went back downstairs to mine to see if Jonathan was still there . I looked at my watch and it was now 7 : 30 a . m . I poked my head into the room and saw that no one was inside . It reeked of sex so I grabbed the air freshener and just blasted it around the room . I sat on my bed and dropped my head into my hands for a moment . I actually didn 't know Henry as well as I thought . He could have done it himself , but I didn 't want to believe it . I especially didn 't want to because it was our usually breakfast day . It was the only morning the three of us had off at the same time , so we went to the local IHOP and caught up with the week 's events . I shoved my sausages into my mouth and listened to Carly drone on about her and Mike . I honestly couldn 't care less , but as usual I feigned interest and kept any conflict to a minimum . At any second I expected my thoughts to drift away from Carly incessant yammering . And there it was . I forgot my wallet . I don 't even remember where I put it . I felt around all my pockets and nothing . Thankfully it was Carly 's day to pay so I didn 't have to worry as much . * * * I sat down in my chair near the door and planted my face in my arms . I absolutely hated this class . Well , more the professor than the class . He and I were total opposites and we viewed the world completely differently . We constantly argued about the " meaning " of everything since I just believe that the world is in constant chaos and things just happen . We never agreed on anything and being the asshole I am , I always had to argue my point until both of us gave up , or he kicked me out of the class . He walked away towards the back of the room . I saw him sit down in the back row and felt a rush of guilt overwhelm me . I got up and went to sit next to him . " I just assigned a report . You partner up with someone you don 't know or barely know and study them . Then you write a full report about why you think they are the way they are , " he said . I looked at Lucas and he looked back at me . A smile began to penetrate the stern look on his face that he was holding for so long , but he quickly stopped it . I held up my hand to ask a question and Robbins took a deep breath . I smiled when he turned away . I don 't know what made me feel better , freaking out the entire class , or having an academic reason to be friends with Lucas . I turned to Lucas with the smile still on my face and saw the shock on his . He stared at me in disbelief as I chuckled at everyone 's confusion . When class was dismissed , Lucas and I walked towards the parking lot together . There was silence between us that I wanted him to be the one to break . I wanted to think of something to say , but my mind was running on empty . " I 'm sorry , I really can 't . I promised Carly I 'd go see that counselor again . I have to go around 6 : 30 . " I said . I was . The first genuine smile on my face in two years , and Lucas was causing it . I had no idea what that actually meant . I just knew that I wanted to be around Lucas as much as I possibly could . We sat down at one of the tables outside . The light breeze swept through the little junction of stores . Lucas jumped face first into his sandwich while I slowly picked at my pasta . " Ok , " I said pulling the small locket out from under my shirt collar , " This locket belonged to my mother . She bought it one day when we went to Sea World . She always loved dolphins and when she saw this … she said it was the third time in her life that she was absolutely certain about something she wanted . " " I found it one day shortly before I left for school , and I put a picture of her in it . I wear it everyday to remind myself that what I 'm doing is important for me . No matter how far away I am , when I 'm wearing this locket I feel like I 'm right where I belong . " " Alright well , when I was a kid I always wanted to have a dog . My neighbor had a Doberman puppy and I was absolutely in love with it . But my dad was crazy allergic to dog hair , so we couldn 't have one , " he said . " Yeah … so anyway , when I was like 8 or 9 , my dad had a business trip up in Lake Tahoe , so my parents decided to just make it into a family vacation since it was during the summer . My mom and I were walking down a little junction of stores and I walked by this toy store . I looked in the window and saw this little Doberman Beanie Baby , " he said . " I know , I know , guys and Beanie Babies just don 't really mix , but I was just a kid . I begged my mom for like 20 minutes to buy it for me until she was finally convinced that it would keep me from begging for a real dog . As soon as I got it in my arms , I was never apart from it . I loved that dog so much , " he said . I looked at Lucas completely differently . The compassion and kindness that he had wasn 't something he did voluntarily . From his story , I could tell that it was just natural for him . I smiled back at him and nodded . At that moment , it was like everything slowed down . I looked into his bright hazel eyes and saw the vulnerability . I wasn 't looking at his vulnerability , but I could see myself in the reflection of his eyes . I was looking at mine . I had never told anyone about the locket I held with me everyday . I never reached that level of connection with anyone . And yet , here I sat with a near stranger , and I just spilled information about one of my greatest possessions without much provocation from him . It was like that deal between us established a trust that would take most people years to build . We instantly had a " You give , I give " connection . It felt amazing not only to trust someone so easily , but also to be trusted by that person with the same level of ease . I felt different , almost refreshed . I could feel the changes happening inside me . The warmth I locked away so many years ago was bubbling to the surface and pushing out the cold , logical , and emotionless version of me . That was an amazing chapter . I 'm really feeling for Luke and Aaron now . Hopefully they 'll get to be better friends . . . if Aaron 's head doesn 't do him in . What a great story - so well written ! I love the way you let us in to AAron 's inner voices . . . and I could feel the connection happening - blossoming ! I am an incurable romantic - I am loving this ! ! ! Hugs ! Reply With Quote August 15th , 2009 , 09 : 00 PM That was a wonderfully warm and touching chapter . Trust like that does not come easily . I have a feeling Aaron is going to be a little more reasonable with the counselor . He has something important to relay this time . Luke has that inner connection that anyone would be happy to share . Obviously he has some of the same concerns regarding friendships that Aaron has . I like the way things are going in this story . Eager to read the next chapter . Hey guys , so this chapter is a bit shorter but I wanted to get this part out of the way as soon as possible . I think I 've allowed you all get a better feel for Aaron in this chapter and I 'm going to bring in a few subtle hints and a few not so subtle hints with the next few chapters . Enjoy Wings of A Butterfly Veronica looked at me through her black rimmed glasses as I sat in the chair across from her . I subtly looked around the room to try and get a read on her in case I needed some ammo . She offered me a glass of tea , which I reluctantly accepted . Veronica examined me for a moment , as if to check for subtle hints that could actually lead her somewhere . She picked up her cup and sipped at her tea with her eyes closed . When she opened her eyes it was like a fire had been lit in her soul . She held more energy in them , as if she found something she could use . " I believe you agreed because you value your relationship with Carly , but you 're afraid of feeling vulnerable with another human being . So you fight them every step of the way , but you still end up doing things for them . You do it so you appear to care about them , but to also tell them that you wish you didn 't , " she said . " You think you know me after talking to me twice ? Well let me tell you something , you don 't know a thing about me . So you can sit up here in your little room with all your credentials hanging up on the wall and listen to other people complain about their problems . But me , I 'm going out there . I 'm going to do something that actually matters to the world . So you can take your assumptions about me and shove them up your ass because you have no idea why I am the way that I am . " I bolted out of my seat and stormed over towards the door . She was up and at the door faster than I could reach it . She held her hand against the door as I was trying to open it and storm out of the room . She looked calmly into my eyes and somehow forced the rage that was boiling under my skin to subside . She slowly walked back to her seat . As she sat down she motioned toward the chair for me to sit back down . I turned to face her and crossed my arms . " Before you can face whatever makes you afraid of connecting with other people , you need to tell at least one person what it is , " she said , " It doesn 't have to be me , it can be anyone . But until you tell someone , you 'll always be afraid of it . You 'll keep pushing people out of your life just as you 're about to get close to them . " Defeated , I walked back over to the chair across from her . I stared directly into her dark blue eyes . There was no anger or judgment in them . There was no hostility or restraint in mine either . I couldn 't see it , but I definitely felt it . " Aaron , there is no need for an apology . What you did was a classic outburst . In a way , it made it easier to see who you really are underneath this façade you portray , " she said . She looked up at me with confusion on her face . Her lips pursed and her brow wrinkled with intense thought . I noticed her right hand start flipping her pen around her fingers , something that my Psych professor said people do when they are working something over in their mind . She paused for a second . She put down her sandwich and kept her eyes low . She placed her arms on the table across her chest . Her eyes slowly looked up into mine and examined me for a moment . " Aaron , you haven 't been involved with any girl that I know of since I met you . You haven 't given any reason to believe that you 're straight . You 've never even stated whether you were straight or not . So yeah , I can believe that she may have thought so . " I grabbed my things and walked away . The wind was blowing gently , so I decided to follow it and see where it took me . I really didn 't care . It was Friday afternoon , and two days since I last saw Lucas . Me , being the idiot that I am , forgot to get his number . And both times I knocked on his door were not answered . I was walking by the Science and Health Studies building when a door opened and nearly hit me in the face . A crowd of students flew out the door and poured into the courtyard . Politely , I held the door open and waited for every last one of them to leave the room . The last person to leave was the last person I expected it to be . I rolled my eyes and pushed his shoulder . I didn 't even know where we were walking to , but we ended up at the east parking lot . I looked around for a moment in silence while standing next to Lucas waiting for the crosswalk to turn . He smiled and walked across the street with his golden hair being brushed by the light wind . As he walked away , I noticed he was slightly limping . I pushed it into the back of my mind for now and walked off towards the corner store with a small grin on my face . Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote August 17th , 2009 , 09 : 50 AM That was a very thought provoking chapter . It 's obvious Aaron can 't always stay on his sarcastic path . The counselor broke through and Luke has as well . He 's really not a bad ass after all . Now he has to come to terms with his sexuality and I hope Luke will begin that journey with him soon . Thanks for the update and looking for the next . Thanks for the speedy update . . . if only I could crank out quality work that quickly haha . I 'm VERY excited for the next chapter and to find out what this limp was all about . More more more ! ! ! Irish I knocked on his door three times , each knock slightly lower on the door than the other . I never noticed that I did it until now . Something about Lucas made me more aware of anything I did . Even my little weird things like my knock . The pizza in my left hand was starting to make my palm sweat , or at least that 's what I convinced myself was making it sweat . He opened the door and smiled at me . I opened the box and we each grabbed a slice . I sat back down in his chair and he flopped down on his bed and ate the slice in seconds . I laughed at him and he smiled awkwardly at me . A moment of silence passed between us as we ate . His eyes were glued to the ground and I could tell he was thinking of something that he wasn 't sure about saying . After I finished my slice , I took a deep breath . " Well it got me thinking , " he said , " And I thought about it all day . I 'm not trying to pry you for information or anything , but if you want we could make another deal . You tell me something , I 'll tell you something . " Lucas sat up and sat on the edge of his bed . He stared into my eyes and somehow , I felt a little better . The pain in my chest went away and I was able to hold the tears back a little better than before . " I came home from school one day and found her unconscious in the kitchen . I called 911 but it was too late . I found my mother dead that day . " " She worked so hard for me . She worked so hard to give me a good life … " I said , " But she never thought about what would happen to me if she was gone . " That did it . The tears pushed themselves out of my eyes and I fell forward into myself . Lucas stood up and kneeled down in front of me and caught me before I collapsed . He held me and I cried on his shoulder . " Aaron , that 's ok , " he said . He pulled me away from him and looked directly into my eyes . He placed both hands firmly , but gently , on my shoulders . " She obviously didn 't want you to know until it happened , " he said , " She was probably so scared about leaving you . She probably didn 't want you to have to live every single day in fear , and then have grief on top of that feeling after she died . It 's not wrong for you to be angry , but she probably didn 't tell you because of what knowing that she was going to die would do to you . " He looked firmly into my eyes . I could see his fixation , and from that I could tell that he did genuinely care about me . In my mind , I saw myself drowning . I couldn 't keep myself afloat , even though I had people around me trying to pull me out of the water . I was just about to give up and let myself fall beneath the surface , when I felt a hand grab my arm and lift me up . I looked into the eyes of my rescuer . The bright hazel colored eyes that penetrated my soul and brought down every barrier I had built . I looked back into his eyes and felt the pain be washed away . The tears stopped and I regained my composition . I took several deep breaths and calmed myself down . I sat up straight , never looking away from Lucas ' eyes . They made me feel safe . I nodded at him , but remained silent . I didn 't know what to do now . This was the most vulnerable I 've ever felt in my life . For the first time since my mom 's funeral , I cried in front of another person . I knew he felt the tension boiling inside me , so he wrapped his arms around me again to comfort me . I got up and put the movie in and pressed play . I sat back into the chair and he moved back onto his bed . I noticed he kept looking at me as if I were about to shatter into a million pieces . He walked over to his bookshelf , and I noticed his slight limp again . He turned around smiling with the case of October Sky in his hands . I must have had a worried look on my face or something because his smile disappeared and his eyes glazed over a bit . " It 's ok , " he said , " I talked to Jonathan this morning and he told me everything . He seemed so proud of it , so I yelled at him . Then he said , ' It 's not like I raped him or anything , ' and the next thing I knew , my fist flew into his face . I knocked him on the ground and he kicked me in the hip when I leaned in to help him up . " I smiled at him and he smiled back . At that moment , I felt like we were floating in a space of nothingness . There was nothing to worry about except whether or not we were flying or falling . That 's how it was with Lucas . I could be flying or falling , and it would make no difference to me . It was a challenge to be open with him , but at the same time I felt completely safe . We watched the movie in near silence . Apparently we both loved this movie so much that we could nearly recite the script . I swear at one point I saw him mouthing some of the words . But he just blushed and looked away from me . Lucas made me feel different than my other friends did . I didn 't have to worry about what I said or how I said it . I didn 't have to worry about whether or not I stepped on his toes . I didn 't have to worry about anything really . All I had to do was be myself and let him see my vulnerable side every once in a while . * * * It was nearly 11 at night when I got back to my dorm room . Jonathan was sitting at his desk . I could see very clearly where Lucas clocked him . I couldn 't help but smirk a little about it . " Look you little shit , " I said , " I really don 't care if you do drugs . You can OD on the shit for all I care . But if you EVER slip any of my friends any drugs again without them knowing about it , I swear to God I will rip off your balls and shove em down your throat . " " Do you have any idea what I did to people like you at my high school ? " I asked , " Well it would be NOTHING compared to what I would do to you if you came within 5 feet of Henry ever again . Do you understand me ? " He nodded with fear . I released my grip on his shirt and walked away from him . I didn 't hear him move at all , but when I looked back he was opening the door to leave . Wow ! How great to see Aaron being so vulnerable in telling Luke about his mother . Trusting another person so deeply takes a lot of fortitude . Then , along with Luke , being so protective of another friend . A maturity is growing within him and it suits him well . I like that he and Luke are bonding so well . Awesome chapter , ITC . Great work , ITC ! I love how comfortable he 's becoming with Luke . I can really feel this story going somewhere great ! I also enjoyed how both of them stood up for Henry , especially Aaron who only had Luke 's word on the matter . Aw ! THAT is Fantastic ! ! This is a Good story , itc ! THANK YOU ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote Page 1 of 9

Hey guys , so as promised I 've started on a new story . I 've been tweaking it for a couple days now , and I think it 's finally ready for public eyes . I wanna give a quick thanks to everyone who read and supported Graduation . And those who didn 't , well you should go read it : Graduation The clock that hung from the wall ticked loudly through the silence as the pendulum swung from side to side . I had probably been sitting there for 3 minutes without saying a word . What could I say though ? There was nothing on my mind and she seemed stubborn enough to not be the first one to break the silence between us . " Well , it 's really nothing huge . It 's just a bunch of little things . Homework , tests , social ties … stuff like that , " I said . The woman gently uncrossed and re - crossed her legs as she took a sip of her coffee . She stared at me beneath rectangular , black - rimmed glasses as if to signal me to continue . I really didn 't know what to say . I wasn 't even here by my own choice . Stupid school requirements were forcing me to come here . Apparently , when one student kills themselves , every other student must be suicidal as well . " I don 't know . I try to remind myself that I 'm actually doing pretty well in life . I think about that girl Rachel , the one who shot herself , and I just think about how messed up things must have been for her , " I said . " Not really , no . I mean , I didn 't actually know her so her death doesn 't make me sad . But I feel compassion for the people that cared about her . I 've seen them around and they look pretty fucked up , " I said . " It 's fine . No one is going to get mad at you here . I can have a fucking dirty mouth too sometimes , " she said with a smile . I smiled back at her , but it was just a courtesy smile . I really didn 't think I belonged here . On the outside , I was just a normal college student trying his best to do well in life . On the inside , I didn 't really care about much . All over , I was just your typical everyday teenager who just wanted to fit in and be accepted . " She 's great . We 've been friends since Junior High . She brings out the best kind of person in me . When I 'm around her , I just feel so free it 's as if I could be anyone I wanted to be , " I said . " There 's Carly 's boyfriend , Mike . He 's an ok guy . I wouldn 't consider him one of my best friends , but it 's important to Carly that I like him , so I do , " I said . " Well Aaron , from what I 've gathered there is no need for you to be in therapy . You are perfectly normal in every visual way . I 'll write up a dismissal form for you to turn in at the administrator 's office on campus … unless you want to tell me something else ? " she asked . We sat down at one of the picnic tables that were scattered around the campus . Carly dug right into her food but I just sat there playing with mine with my fork . The fork got stuck and I ended up flicking an olive into the air . I eyed her expression up and down . I was trying to tell if she was pulling my leg or if she was honestly suggesting this . She noticed me studying her face and stared back at me with a raised eyebrow . " Quite possibly , but more importantly I 'm actually serious . You 're so bitter and sarcastic all the time . You never actually talk about what 's bothering you , " she said . After Carly took off to her Philosophy class , I decided to walk around campus . My thought train was on several different tracks as it always was . The first track stayed focused on what I would talk about with the counselor . Would she ask me questions again , or would I have to come up with stuff on my own ? What if I couldn 't think of anything to say ? Did it really matter ? I shook my head at the thought . It didn 't matter at all because it wasn 't necessary . It 's not like there 's anything wrong with me . What 's a psychiatrist going to tell me that I don 't already know ? Whatever , it was for Carly anyway . As long as she was content with me then I was happy . She has no need to worry about me , and this was the only way to prove it to her . My second track was thinking about Rachel . Not about her death , but who she really was . I tried to come up with a picture of what her life was like before she killed herself . The news report said her brother and three of her friends were there when she did it . They said she tried to kill one of them , but her brother stopped her . It made me think that her brother was really close to her and meant a lot to her . But why would she kill herself instead of get help ? Did she really not want to live anymore or did she feel so ashamed about what she did that her brother wouldn 't love her anymore ? It was a sad thought , but I figured anyone who is desperate enough to kill themselves if it meant the pain would stop then she was beyond help . It was a sad thought sure , but it didn 't make me sad . Her brother must have had it rough though . If I had a brother or a sister , then I would probably be able to imagine what he felt . But I didn 't , so I didn 't care very much . My third track was about all the new people moving into the dorms after what happened . There were so few people living in the dorms before that I was able to live alone , but now I was being assigned a roommate . Joy . Another person that I have to socialize with every day , just what I wanted . I finally jumped off my thought train and looked at my watch realizing that it was 1 : 30 already . I decided to head back to the dorm and wait for my new roommate . When I walked past the main Administrator 's Office , I turned the corner sharply and accidentally bumped into someone . I hit my head against theirs and fell down on my ass . He lowered his hand towards me to lift me up . I rubbed my head with my left hand as I took his extended arm with my right . He pulled me up and steadied me . As my vision refocused I was able to see his face . He had a pair of bright green eyes fixated on me while I regained my balance . I took a step forward and wobbled a little . He grabbed my shoulder and laughed a little . Once I got my balance back I laughed a little as well and shook my head . " You want me to walk with you and make sure you don 't pass out ? " he asked flashing me his bright smile . We walked across the campus together , every now and then I would stumble a little and he caught me before I tripped over myself . Each time I did it he let out a chuckle . I probably looked like a complete idiot . We were about halfway across the campus when he started talking to me randomly . I looked up at him and admired him a little . I wasn 't a very creative person , and I respected those that were . I couldn 't draw anything to save my life , but I like looking at the work of those that could . He looked at me as we stopped outside of the north dorm building . His bright hazel eyes glimmered in the light from the sun . I studied them as discretely as I could and noticed that there was a hint of gold around the edges . He smiled and revealed a set of bright white teeth that would make a dentist jealous . I didn 't know what he was smiling at , so I raised an eyebrow at him . As he walked away , I tried to study what made him tick , and what made those thoughts slip out of my mind . Even with Carly , I kept all of my sarcasm in my head so I didn 't offend her at all . There was something different about Luke that I couldn 't quite put my finger on . He was like a book full of analogies and metaphors that made my brain itch . He was confusing and yet , I felt like I understood him at the same time . The only thing I didn 't understand was that bizarre question and answer session while we were walking . Did he honestly care if I was ok even though he just met me ? That had to be it ; and that officially made him tomorrow 's problem . Today 's problem was probably already upstairs unpacking it 's shit , and I had to go meet it and make nice with it for the rest of the semester . He was probably some weak little brainiac that was so afraid of the world that he had to move in with the big boys . It 's just what I needed this semester ; to be some pathetic genius ' bodyguard . I flopped down on my bed and closed my eyes for a moment . My thoughts instantly drifted to Lucas … I mean Luke . What was his deal ? No one could be that nice to someone they just met . Fuck , now I was obsessing . I opened my eyes and rubbed the spot on my forehead where his head hit mine . Just then the door popped open and my new roommate stepped inside , followed closely by that awkward moment . I think I 'm going to like this story ! Off to a really great start . I think I have a feeling who Aaron 's new roommate is going to be BTW , I LOVED Graduation ! ! ! You have such compelling storylines and I have a feeling I won 't be disappointed with this one either . Can 't wait for more ! ! already I have noticed some parallels ! rachel killed herself in " Graduation " and also had a brother who was concerned - - same here . I 'm guessing lucas / luke is the love interest ? he has sparking green eyes ( and a killer smile ) , just like Cameron . Reply With Quote July 18th , 2009 , 10 : 56 PM Hmmm ! Haven 't read " Graduation " . . . yet ! . . . but , I 'm liking this one . . . a LOT ! PLEASE keep up the great work ! I 'm definitely looking forward to reading more of YOU ! Very interesting perspective ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote July 19th , 2009 , 01 : 16 AM How great to sign on today and see one of my favorite authors had started a new story . I like the approach this one has and as ASDF pointed out , there are the parallels with " Graduation . " Who would have thought that a tragic event such as Rachael killing herself would have such a wide effect on someone that didn 't even know her . I can tell this is going to be as brilliant a story as " Graduation " but with an entirely new cast of characters . Looking forward to a long read . already I have noticed some parallels ! rachel killed herself in " Graduation " and also had a brother who was concerned - - same here . I 'm guessing lucas / luke is the love interest ? he has sparking green eyes ( and a killer smile ) , just like Cameron . Oops looks like I overlooked something while I was editing . His eyes were supposed to be Hazel . I guess I just missed that one And I 'm glad you guys like it so far . I 'm gonna start chapter two today and hopefully be finished soon . Thanks for the support guys ! Great start ! I really enjoyed " Graduation " , I think I 'll like this story too . Looking forward to chapter 2 already ! Reply With Quote July 23rd , 2009 , 05 : 34 AM ITC this is a great beginning . Looking forward to more . I know that it will be just as fantastic as Graduation and I think you know by now that that story was the greatest . H & K " He 's ok . He 's kinda quiet though . After he unpacked he just sat at his desk playing games on his computer , " I said . Henry and I were sitting in the Student Hall on campus . The building was amazing . It had a big sitting / study area on the main floor , a library on the second floor , and a bunch of little shops , food places , and even a bowling alley in the underground area . I sat on my favorite couch in the room and Henry sat in the armchair sitting adjacent to me . I turned around and looked at the doors behind me . Jonathan was standing there looking awkwardly into the crowd for a place to sit down . I couldn 't help but feel sorry for him . He honestly looked like a guy who just needed a friend . He turned his head and saw me staring at him , so I gave a kind of half wave at him . He looked away instantly and walked towards the stairs . Jonathan stopped dead in his tracks . He looked over at us and saw Henry waving him over to our area . I could see his hesitation and smell his fear from where I was sitting . I nodded at him when he turned his dark brown eyes to me . After a moment of awkward pause , he shifted his feet and walked slowly over to us . I found myself hating him a little bit . Not because he was so awkward , but because he didn 't seem to even want a social life . It was as if he was battling with himself on the inside , and I couldn 't tell if he was winning or losing . He was very difficult to read and for that , I couldn 't help but hate him . No one has been able to hide themselves from me for very long , but this kid was actually giving me a challenge . As he sat down on the opposite end of the couch I was sitting on , there was an awkward moment of silence between us . I gave a quick stink eye at him when he sat on my couch , but hid it before he or Henry could see it . I turned my attention to my laptop which had the website , Fmylife open . Henry noticed my shift in focus and started talking to Jonathan . Tuning out their conversation , I retreated into my thoughts . I nodded at appropriate times and feigned interest like I always did . To be honest , the conversations about this Rachel girl were getting repetitive . Someone who had minimal interaction with her would find someone else who had even less interaction with her and express what a " shock " it was when it happened . I was a little surprised when my thoughts crossed over the pain in my forehead , and suddenly all I could think of was Lucas . He perplexed me . He seemed to genuinely care about my wellbeing , but yet he didn 't ask for my number or ask to walk me up to my room or whatever . I concluded on the thought that he really didn 't care , and that he was just making sure I didn 't want to sue him or anything . My thoughts were interrupted by Henry 's voice . * * * Walking into the club , I heard the sounds of my favorite band , Paramore . Carly immediately began dancing to the tune of Crushcrushcrush as we were walking down the stairs to the main floor of the club . She flung her dark brown hair around in sync with the beat of the song and she pulled Mike out to the dance floor . Henry and I sat at the bar and saw Jonathan walking down the stairs . He was closely followed by Lucas and his eyes magnetically stuck to mine from across the room . I saw a smile creep across his face . He and Jonathan made their way over to the bar , but our eyes never separated . His were full of amusement , while mine were filled with annoyance . I gave him a glare and he burst into laughter . Jonathan and Henry broke off and started chatting while Lucas and I had a couple drinks . Lucas and I just sat at the bar talking about the music they were playing . I sat there stunned for a moment . No way were he and I in the same place at the same time worshiping the same band . I must have been staring for a few minutes because he broke me out of my trance by waving his hand in my face . We sat there as the final line of a song neither of us was paying attention to finished . Eagerly awaiting the next song to play , I looked around and noticed that everyone else was gone . The DJ shut off the sound system and the bartender told us they were closing in a few minutes . We stared at each other with wide eyes and disbelief . He got off his stool and motioned towards the staircase . I wiped my hands on my jeans and walked past him up the stairs . The cool , crisp air outside felt refreshing after being inside for God knows how long . I stretched a bit as Lucas emerged out of the stairway and chuckled at me . He smiled at me and I smiled back . It was then that I realized that I was doing exactly what I didn 't want to do . Acting on instinct , my mind took over and I broke this moment between us . I tried desperately to think of a rational excuse to keep from walking back with him , but failed miserably . I just nodded and walked beside him , not saying a word the whole mile and a half to the dorm . He tried to talk to me , but I made it very clear that I was " too tired to think " so he gave up after the third avoided question . We walked up the stairs of the dorm building and stood outside my room for a moment . Lucas burst into laughter that carried across the courtyard . We walked into the other dorm building and up the stairs to the third floor where Lucas ' room was . This building was much younger and nicer than the one I was living in . We walked into the room and my jaw nearly fell off when I saw the interior . It was at least twice as big as my room , and he didn 't even have a roommate . I went into the bathroom to take a piss and change and I came out to see him already under his covers . I walked softly over to the bed and sat down on it . As usual , I went over the day 's events in my head as a way of cataloguing any significance in any moment . I stopped at the brief moment between Lucas and I outside the club and couldn 't decide if that was significant . Without thinking , I blurted out a question to Lucas . I turned over and lay down on the bed . I stared at the ceiling and kept thinking about that exchange of smiles . As much as I disliked the idea , I had found a new friend in Lucas Harper . That wasn 't what was bothering me though . The issue I was bumping up against was whether or not I would drive him away . He was so different from the people I was friends with . Carly and Henry were just as closed of as I was … I mean am . But Lucas has a warming quality that I was afraid of breaking . I turned over , facing away from Lucas , and started drifting off to sleep . I could hear him lightly snoring from his bed behind me , and for the first time in a while , I let out a genuine laugh . It wasn 't forced or fake . And that 's when I realized that I actually liked Lucas . I was friends with Henry because we were in the same social group and had similar taste in music . I was friends with Carly because we 've been together nearly since birth . And right now , I couldn 't really tell if I actually liked either of them . THANK YOU ! , itc ! Excellent ! Been waiting for this 2nd chapter , and , in the mean time , read " Graduation " ! Now I understand the " tie in " here . Fantastic ! ! I 'm truly enjoying your writing style ! And , especially appreciate your including Aaron 's " inner conversation " with himself . Definitely looking forward to more ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote August 10th , 2009 , 11 : 44 AM Happy to see an addition to the story . I am certain Aaron and Lucas are going to be very good friends . . . . . . . . . . . . hopefully more . Like Littletosay , I wonder if Henry and Jonathan are getting to know each other . . . lol Great chapter ITC ! I felt the vibrations of my phone beneath my pillow . It was just loud enough to wake me , but not enough to stir Lucas out of his sleep . I slowly and quietly changed clothes and left his room . The sun was barely coming up and all I could think of was how much I missed my mother . I clutched the locket that hid beneath my shirt as my breathing became heavy with grief . I looked away from the sunrise and just walked around for a little while . I felt bad for leaving Lucas like that , but it was pointless for me to let myself get close to someone else . I listened to the voice in my head telling me that I had enough . Any more than what I already have would just make things harder . I would have just left it at that , but then I heard a voice I hadn 't heard in a long time . There was a name I hadn 't thought of in years . He was a lot like Lucas , or at least what I 've witnessed from Lucas so far . We complemented each other like cheese and macaroni . Everyone thought we were twins because between the two of us , we knew everything . We were like two halves of an apple . At least , until his dad 's company relocated his family to a small town three states away . That was about two years before I met Henry . If it weren 't for Carly I wouldn 't have even had Henry . But life has been hard enough since then , I don 't need someone else who I am certain will cause me pain one day . The argument in my mind subsided as I once again listened to my negativity and decided that Lucas was too good for me to even try to be his friend . I passed through the doors of my dorm building and saw Henry laying on one of the couches in the lounge . He looked totally smashed from last night . I walked up to him and flicked his ear . When I got him up to his dorm room , I went back downstairs to mine to see if Jonathan was still there . I looked at my watch and it was now 7 : 30 a . m . I poked my head into the room and saw that no one was inside . It reeked of sex so I grabbed the air freshener and just blasted it around the room . I sat on my bed and dropped my head into my hands for a moment . I actually didn 't know Henry as well as I thought . He could have done it himself , but I didn 't want to believe it . I especially didn 't want to because it was our usually breakfast day . It was the only morning the three of us had off at the same time , so we went to the local IHOP and caught up with the week 's events . I shoved my sausages into my mouth and listened to Carly drone on about her and Mike . I honestly couldn 't care less , but as usual I feigned interest and kept any conflict to a minimum . At any second I expected my thoughts to drift away from Carly incessant yammering . And there it was . I forgot my wallet . I don 't even remember where I put it . I felt around all my pockets and nothing . Thankfully it was Carly 's day to pay so I didn 't have to worry as much . * * * I sat down in my chair near the door and planted my face in my arms . I absolutely hated this class . Well , more the professor than the class . He and I were total opposites and we viewed the world completely differently . We constantly argued about the " meaning " of everything since I just believe that the world is in constant chaos and things just happen . We never agreed on anything and being the asshole I am , I always had to argue my point until both of us gave up , or he kicked me out of the class . He walked away towards the back of the room . I saw him sit down in the back row and felt a rush of guilt overwhelm me . I got up and went to sit next to him . " I just assigned a report . You partner up with someone you don 't know or barely know and study them . Then you write a full report about why you think they are the way they are , " he said . I looked at Lucas and he looked back at me . A smile began to penetrate the stern look on his face that he was holding for so long , but he quickly stopped it . I held up my hand to ask a question and Robbins took a deep breath . I smiled when he turned away . I don 't know what made me feel better , freaking out the entire class , or having an academic reason to be friends with Lucas . I turned to Lucas with the smile still on my face and saw the shock on his . He stared at me in disbelief as I chuckled at everyone 's confusion . When class was dismissed , Lucas and I walked towards the parking lot together . There was silence between us that I wanted him to be the one to break . I wanted to think of something to say , but my mind was running on empty . " I 'm sorry , I really can 't . I promised Carly I 'd go see that counselor again . I have to go around 6 : 30 . " I said . I was . The first genuine smile on my face in two years , and Lucas was causing it . I had no idea what that actually meant . I just knew that I wanted to be around Lucas as much as I possibly could . We sat down at one of the tables outside . The light breeze swept through the little junction of stores . Lucas jumped face first into his sandwich while I slowly picked at my pasta . " Ok , " I said pulling the small locket out from under my shirt collar , " This locket belonged to my mother . She bought it one day when we went to Sea World . She always loved dolphins and when she saw this … she said it was the third time in her life that she was absolutely certain about something she wanted . " " I found it one day shortly before I left for school , and I put a picture of her in it . I wear it everyday to remind myself that what I 'm doing is important for me . No matter how far away I am , when I 'm wearing this locket I feel like I 'm right where I belong . " " Alright well , when I was a kid I always wanted to have a dog . My neighbor had a Doberman puppy and I was absolutely in love with it . But my dad was crazy allergic to dog hair , so we couldn 't have one , " he said . " Yeah … so anyway , when I was like 8 or 9 , my dad had a business trip up in Lake Tahoe , so my parents decided to just make it into a family vacation since it was during the summer . My mom and I were walking down a little junction of stores and I walked by this toy store . I looked in the window and saw this little Doberman Beanie Baby , " he said . " I know , I know , guys and Beanie Babies just don 't really mix , but I was just a kid . I begged my mom for like 20 minutes to buy it for me until she was finally convinced that it would keep me from begging for a real dog . As soon as I got it in my arms , I was never apart from it . I loved that dog so much , " he said . I looked at Lucas completely differently . The compassion and kindness that he had wasn 't something he did voluntarily . From his story , I could tell that it was just natural for him . I smiled back at him and nodded . At that moment , it was like everything slowed down . I looked into his bright hazel eyes and saw the vulnerability . I wasn 't looking at his vulnerability , but I could see myself in the reflection of his eyes . I was looking at mine . I had never told anyone about the locket I held with me everyday . I never reached that level of connection with anyone . And yet , here I sat with a near stranger , and I just spilled information about one of my greatest possessions without much provocation from him . It was like that deal between us established a trust that would take most people years to build . We instantly had a " You give , I give " connection . It felt amazing not only to trust someone so easily , but also to be trusted by that person with the same level of ease . I felt different , almost refreshed . I could feel the changes happening inside me . The warmth I locked away so many years ago was bubbling to the surface and pushing out the cold , logical , and emotionless version of me . That was an amazing chapter . I 'm really feeling for Luke and Aaron now . Hopefully they 'll get to be better friends . . . if Aaron 's head doesn 't do him in . What a great story - so well written ! I love the way you let us in to AAron 's inner voices . . . and I could feel the connection happening - blossoming ! I am an incurable romantic - I am loving this ! ! ! Hugs ! Reply With Quote August 15th , 2009 , 09 : 00 PM That was a wonderfully warm and touching chapter . Trust like that does not come easily . I have a feeling Aaron is going to be a little more reasonable with the counselor . He has something important to relay this time . Luke has that inner connection that anyone would be happy to share . Obviously he has some of the same concerns regarding friendships that Aaron has . I like the way things are going in this story . Eager to read the next chapter . Hey guys , so this chapter is a bit shorter but I wanted to get this part out of the way as soon as possible . I think I 've allowed you all get a better feel for Aaron in this chapter and I 'm going to bring in a few subtle hints and a few not so subtle hints with the next few chapters . Enjoy Wings of A Butterfly Veronica looked at me through her black rimmed glasses as I sat in the chair across from her . I subtly looked around the room to try and get a read on her in case I needed some ammo . She offered me a glass of tea , which I reluctantly accepted . Veronica examined me for a moment , as if to check for subtle hints that could actually lead her somewhere . She picked up her cup and sipped at her tea with her eyes closed . When she opened her eyes it was like a fire had been lit in her soul . She held more energy in them , as if she found something she could use . " I believe you agreed because you value your relationship with Carly , but you 're afraid of feeling vulnerable with another human being . So you fight them every step of the way , but you still end up doing things for them . You do it so you appear to care about them , but to also tell them that you wish you didn 't , " she said . " You think you know me after talking to me twice ? Well let me tell you something , you don 't know a thing about me . So you can sit up here in your little room with all your credentials hanging up on the wall and listen to other people complain about their problems . But me , I 'm going out there . I 'm going to do something that actually matters to the world . So you can take your assumptions about me and shove them up your ass because you have no idea why I am the way that I am . " I bolted out of my seat and stormed over towards the door . She was up and at the door faster than I could reach it . She held her hand against the door as I was trying to open it and storm out of the room . She looked calmly into my eyes and somehow forced the rage that was boiling under my skin to subside . She slowly walked back to her seat . As she sat down she motioned toward the chair for me to sit back down . I turned to face her and crossed my arms . " Before you can face whatever makes you afraid of connecting with other people , you need to tell at least one person what it is , " she said , " It doesn 't have to be me , it can be anyone . But until you tell someone , you 'll always be afraid of it . You 'll keep pushing people out of your life just as you 're about to get close to them . " Defeated , I walked back over to the chair across from her . I stared directly into her dark blue eyes . There was no anger or judgment in them . There was no hostility or restraint in mine either . I couldn 't see it , but I definitely felt it . " Aaron , there is no need for an apology . What you did was a classic outburst . In a way , it made it easier to see who you really are underneath this façade you portray , " she said . She looked up at me with confusion on her face . Her lips pursed and her brow wrinkled with intense thought . I noticed her right hand start flipping her pen around her fingers , something that my Psych professor said people do when they are working something over in their mind . She paused for a second . She put down her sandwich and kept her eyes low . She placed her arms on the table across her chest . Her eyes slowly looked up into mine and examined me for a moment . " Aaron , you haven 't been involved with any girl that I know of since I met you . You haven 't given any reason to believe that you 're straight . You 've never even stated whether you were straight or not . So yeah , I can believe that she may have thought so . " I grabbed my things and walked away . The wind was blowing gently , so I decided to follow it and see where it took me . I really didn 't care . It was Friday afternoon , and two days since I last saw Lucas . Me , being the idiot that I am , forgot to get his number . And both times I knocked on his door were not answered . I was walking by the Science and Health Studies building when a door opened and nearly hit me in the face . A crowd of students flew out the door and poured into the courtyard . Politely , I held the door open and waited for every last one of them to leave the room . The last person to leave was the last person I expected it to be . I rolled my eyes and pushed his shoulder . I didn 't even know where we were walking to , but we ended up at the east parking lot . I looked around for a moment in silence while standing next to Lucas waiting for the crosswalk to turn . He smiled and walked across the street with his golden hair being brushed by the light wind . As he walked away , I noticed he was slightly limping . I pushed it into the back of my mind for now and walked off towards the corner store with a small grin on my face . Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote August 17th , 2009 , 09 : 50 AM That was a very thought provoking chapter . It 's obvious Aaron can 't always stay on his sarcastic path . The counselor broke through and Luke has as well . He 's really not a bad ass after all . Now he has to come to terms with his sexuality and I hope Luke will begin that journey with him soon . Thanks for the update and looking for the next . Thanks for the speedy update . . . if only I could crank out quality work that quickly haha . I 'm VERY excited for the next chapter and to find out what this limp was all about . More more more ! ! ! Irish I knocked on his door three times , each knock slightly lower on the door than the other . I never noticed that I did it until now . Something about Lucas made me more aware of anything I did . Even my little weird things like my knock . The pizza in my left hand was starting to make my palm sweat , or at least that 's what I convinced myself was making it sweat . He opened the door and smiled at me . I opened the box and we each grabbed a slice . I sat back down in his chair and he flopped down on his bed and ate the slice in seconds . I laughed at him and he smiled awkwardly at me . A moment of silence passed between us as we ate . His eyes were glued to the ground and I could tell he was thinking of something that he wasn 't sure about saying . After I finished my slice , I took a deep breath . " Well it got me thinking , " he said , " And I thought about it all day . I 'm not trying to pry you for information or anything , but if you want we could make another deal . You tell me something , I 'll tell you something . " Lucas sat up and sat on the edge of his bed . He stared into my eyes and somehow , I felt a little better . The pain in my chest went away and I was able to hold the tears back a little better than before . " I came home from school one day and found her unconscious in the kitchen . I called 911 but it was too late . I found my mother dead that day . " " She worked so hard for me . She worked so hard to give me a good life … " I said , " But she never thought about what would happen to me if she was gone . " That did it . The tears pushed themselves out of my eyes and I fell forward into myself . Lucas stood up and kneeled down in front of me and caught me before I collapsed . He held me and I cried on his shoulder . " Aaron , that 's ok , " he said . He pulled me away from him and looked directly into my eyes . He placed both hands firmly , but gently , on my shoulders . " She obviously didn 't want you to know until it happened , " he said , " She was probably so scared about leaving you . She probably didn 't want you to have to live every single day in fear , and then have grief on top of that feeling after she died . It 's not wrong for you to be angry , but she probably didn 't tell you because of what knowing that she was going to die would do to you . " He looked firmly into my eyes . I could see his fixation , and from that I could tell that he did genuinely care about me . In my mind , I saw myself drowning . I couldn 't keep myself afloat , even though I had people around me trying to pull me out of the water . I was just about to give up and let myself fall beneath the surface , when I felt a hand grab my arm and lift me up . I looked into the eyes of my rescuer . The bright hazel colored eyes that penetrated my soul and brought down every barrier I had built . I looked back into his eyes and felt the pain be washed away . The tears stopped and I regained my composition . I took several deep breaths and calmed myself down . I sat up straight , never looking away from Lucas ' eyes . They made me feel safe . I nodded at him , but remained silent . I didn 't know what to do now . This was the most vulnerable I 've ever felt in my life . For the first time since my mom 's funeral , I cried in front of another person . I knew he felt the tension boiling inside me , so he wrapped his arms around me again to comfort me . I got up and put the movie in and pressed play . I sat back into the chair and he moved back onto his bed . I noticed he kept looking at me as if I were about to shatter into a million pieces . He walked over to his bookshelf , and I noticed his slight limp again . He turned around smiling with the case of October Sky in his hands . I must have had a worried look on my face or something because his smile disappeared and his eyes glazed over a bit . " It 's ok , " he said , " I talked to Jonathan this morning and he told me everything . He seemed so proud of it , so I yelled at him . Then he said , ' It 's not like I raped him or anything , ' and the next thing I knew , my fist flew into his face . I knocked him on the ground and he kicked me in the hip when I leaned in to help him up . " I smiled at him and he smiled back . At that moment , I felt like we were floating in a space of nothingness . There was nothing to worry about except whether or not we were flying or falling . That 's how it was with Lucas . I could be flying or falling , and it would make no difference to me . It was a challenge to be open with him , but at the same time I felt completely safe . We watched the movie in near silence . Apparently we both loved this movie so much that we could nearly recite the script . I swear at one point I saw him mouthing some of the words . But he just blushed and looked away from me . Lucas made me feel different than my other friends did . I didn 't have to worry about what I said or how I said it . I didn 't have to worry about whether or not I stepped on his toes . I didn 't have to worry about anything really . All I had to do was be myself and let him see my vulnerable side every once in a while . * * * It was nearly 11 at night when I got back to my dorm room . Jonathan was sitting at his desk . I could see very clearly where Lucas clocked him . I couldn 't help but smirk a little about it . " Look you little shit , " I said , " I really don 't care if you do drugs . You can OD on the shit for all I care . But if you EVER slip any of my friends any drugs again without them knowing about it , I swear to God I will rip off your balls and shove em down your throat . " " Do you have any idea what I did to people like you at my high school ? " I asked , " Well it would be NOTHING compared to what I would do to you if you came within 5 feet of Henry ever again . Do you understand me ? " He nodded with fear . I released my grip on his shirt and walked away from him . I didn 't hear him move at all , but when I looked back he was opening the door to leave . Wow ! How great to see Aaron being so vulnerable in telling Luke about his mother . Trusting another person so deeply takes a lot of fortitude . Then , along with Luke , being so protective of another friend . A maturity is growing within him and it suits him well . I like that he and Luke are bonding so well . Awesome chapter , ITC . Great work , ITC ! I love how comfortable he 's becoming with Luke . I can really feel this story going somewhere great ! I also enjoyed how both of them stood up for Henry , especially Aaron who only had Luke 's word on the matter . Aw ! THAT is Fantastic ! ! This is a Good story , itc ! THANK YOU ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote Page 1 of 9

Hey guys , so as promised I 've started on a new story . I 've been tweaking it for a couple days now , and I think it 's finally ready for public eyes . I wanna give a quick thanks to everyone who read and supported Graduation . And those who didn 't , well you should go read it : Graduation The clock that hung from the wall ticked loudly through the silence as the pendulum swung from side to side . I had probably been sitting there for 3 minutes without saying a word . What could I say though ? There was nothing on my mind and she seemed stubborn enough to not be the first one to break the silence between us . " Well , it 's really nothing huge . It 's just a bunch of little things . Homework , tests , social ties … stuff like that , " I said . The woman gently uncrossed and re - crossed her legs as she took a sip of her coffee . She stared at me beneath rectangular , black - rimmed glasses as if to signal me to continue . I really didn 't know what to say . I wasn 't even here by my own choice . Stupid school requirements were forcing me to come here . Apparently , when one student kills themselves , every other student must be suicidal as well . " I don 't know . I try to remind myself that I 'm actually doing pretty well in life . I think about that girl Rachel , the one who shot herself , and I just think about how messed up things must have been for her , " I said . " Not really , no . I mean , I didn 't actually know her so her death doesn 't make me sad . But I feel compassion for the people that cared about her . I 've seen them around and they look pretty fucked up , " I said . " It 's fine . No one is going to get mad at you here . I can have a fucking dirty mouth too sometimes , " she said with a smile . I smiled back at her , but it was just a courtesy smile . I really didn 't think I belonged here . On the outside , I was just a normal college student trying his best to do well in life . On the inside , I didn 't really care about much . All over , I was just your typical everyday teenager who just wanted to fit in and be accepted . " She 's great . We 've been friends since Junior High . She brings out the best kind of person in me . When I 'm around her , I just feel so free it 's as if I could be anyone I wanted to be , " I said . " There 's Carly 's boyfriend , Mike . He 's an ok guy . I wouldn 't consider him one of my best friends , but it 's important to Carly that I like him , so I do , " I said . " Well Aaron , from what I 've gathered there is no need for you to be in therapy . You are perfectly normal in every visual way . I 'll write up a dismissal form for you to turn in at the administrator 's office on campus … unless you want to tell me something else ? " she asked . We sat down at one of the picnic tables that were scattered around the campus . Carly dug right into her food but I just sat there playing with mine with my fork . The fork got stuck and I ended up flicking an olive into the air . I eyed her expression up and down . I was trying to tell if she was pulling my leg or if she was honestly suggesting this . She noticed me studying her face and stared back at me with a raised eyebrow . " Quite possibly , but more importantly I 'm actually serious . You 're so bitter and sarcastic all the time . You never actually talk about what 's bothering you , " she said . After Carly took off to her Philosophy class , I decided to walk around campus . My thought train was on several different tracks as it always was . The first track stayed focused on what I would talk about with the counselor . Would she ask me questions again , or would I have to come up with stuff on my own ? What if I couldn 't think of anything to say ? Did it really matter ? I shook my head at the thought . It didn 't matter at all because it wasn 't necessary . It 's not like there 's anything wrong with me . What 's a psychiatrist going to tell me that I don 't already know ? Whatever , it was for Carly anyway . As long as she was content with me then I was happy . She has no need to worry about me , and this was the only way to prove it to her . My second track was thinking about Rachel . Not about her death , but who she really was . I tried to come up with a picture of what her life was like before she killed herself . The news report said her brother and three of her friends were there when she did it . They said she tried to kill one of them , but her brother stopped her . It made me think that her brother was really close to her and meant a lot to her . But why would she kill herself instead of get help ? Did she really not want to live anymore or did she feel so ashamed about what she did that her brother wouldn 't love her anymore ? It was a sad thought , but I figured anyone who is desperate enough to kill themselves if it meant the pain would stop then she was beyond help . It was a sad thought sure , but it didn 't make me sad . Her brother must have had it rough though . If I had a brother or a sister , then I would probably be able to imagine what he felt . But I didn 't , so I didn 't care very much . My third track was about all the new people moving into the dorms after what happened . There were so few people living in the dorms before that I was able to live alone , but now I was being assigned a roommate . Joy . Another person that I have to socialize with every day , just what I wanted . I finally jumped off my thought train and looked at my watch realizing that it was 1 : 30 already . I decided to head back to the dorm and wait for my new roommate . When I walked past the main Administrator 's Office , I turned the corner sharply and accidentally bumped into someone . I hit my head against theirs and fell down on my ass . He lowered his hand towards me to lift me up . I rubbed my head with my left hand as I took his extended arm with my right . He pulled me up and steadied me . As my vision refocused I was able to see his face . He had a pair of bright green eyes fixated on me while I regained my balance . I took a step forward and wobbled a little . He grabbed my shoulder and laughed a little . Once I got my balance back I laughed a little as well and shook my head . " You want me to walk with you and make sure you don 't pass out ? " he asked flashing me his bright smile . We walked across the campus together , every now and then I would stumble a little and he caught me before I tripped over myself . Each time I did it he let out a chuckle . I probably looked like a complete idiot . We were about halfway across the campus when he started talking to me randomly . I looked up at him and admired him a little . I wasn 't a very creative person , and I respected those that were . I couldn 't draw anything to save my life , but I like looking at the work of those that could . He looked at me as we stopped outside of the north dorm building . His bright hazel eyes glimmered in the light from the sun . I studied them as discretely as I could and noticed that there was a hint of gold around the edges . He smiled and revealed a set of bright white teeth that would make a dentist jealous . I didn 't know what he was smiling at , so I raised an eyebrow at him . As he walked away , I tried to study what made him tick , and what made those thoughts slip out of my mind . Even with Carly , I kept all of my sarcasm in my head so I didn 't offend her at all . There was something different about Luke that I couldn 't quite put my finger on . He was like a book full of analogies and metaphors that made my brain itch . He was confusing and yet , I felt like I understood him at the same time . The only thing I didn 't understand was that bizarre question and answer session while we were walking . Did he honestly care if I was ok even though he just met me ? That had to be it ; and that officially made him tomorrow 's problem . Today 's problem was probably already upstairs unpacking it 's shit , and I had to go meet it and make nice with it for the rest of the semester . He was probably some weak little brainiac that was so afraid of the world that he had to move in with the big boys . It 's just what I needed this semester ; to be some pathetic genius ' bodyguard . I flopped down on my bed and closed my eyes for a moment . My thoughts instantly drifted to Lucas … I mean Luke . What was his deal ? No one could be that nice to someone they just met . Fuck , now I was obsessing . I opened my eyes and rubbed the spot on my forehead where his head hit mine . Just then the door popped open and my new roommate stepped inside , followed closely by that awkward moment . I think I 'm going to like this story ! Off to a really great start . I think I have a feeling who Aaron 's new roommate is going to be BTW , I LOVED Graduation ! ! ! You have such compelling storylines and I have a feeling I won 't be disappointed with this one either . Can 't wait for more ! ! already I have noticed some parallels ! rachel killed herself in " Graduation " and also had a brother who was concerned - - same here . I 'm guessing lucas / luke is the love interest ? he has sparking green eyes ( and a killer smile ) , just like Cameron . Reply With Quote July 18th , 2009 , 10 : 56 PM Hmmm ! Haven 't read " Graduation " . . . yet ! . . . but , I 'm liking this one . . . a LOT ! PLEASE keep up the great work ! I 'm definitely looking forward to reading more of YOU ! Very interesting perspective ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote July 19th , 2009 , 01 : 16 AM How great to sign on today and see one of my favorite authors had started a new story . I like the approach this one has and as ASDF pointed out , there are the parallels with " Graduation . " Who would have thought that a tragic event such as Rachael killing herself would have such a wide effect on someone that didn 't even know her . I can tell this is going to be as brilliant a story as " Graduation " but with an entirely new cast of characters . Looking forward to a long read . already I have noticed some parallels ! rachel killed herself in " Graduation " and also had a brother who was concerned - - same here . I 'm guessing lucas / luke is the love interest ? he has sparking green eyes ( and a killer smile ) , just like Cameron . Oops looks like I overlooked something while I was editing . His eyes were supposed to be Hazel . I guess I just missed that one And I 'm glad you guys like it so far . I 'm gonna start chapter two today and hopefully be finished soon . Thanks for the support guys ! Great start ! I really enjoyed " Graduation " , I think I 'll like this story too . Looking forward to chapter 2 already ! Reply With Quote July 23rd , 2009 , 05 : 34 AM ITC this is a great beginning . Looking forward to more . I know that it will be just as fantastic as Graduation and I think you know by now that that story was the greatest . H & K " He 's ok . He 's kinda quiet though . After he unpacked he just sat at his desk playing games on his computer , " I said . Henry and I were sitting in the Student Hall on campus . The building was amazing . It had a big sitting / study area on the main floor , a library on the second floor , and a bunch of little shops , food places , and even a bowling alley in the underground area . I sat on my favorite couch in the room and Henry sat in the armchair sitting adjacent to me . I turned around and looked at the doors behind me . Jonathan was standing there looking awkwardly into the crowd for a place to sit down . I couldn 't help but feel sorry for him . He honestly looked like a guy who just needed a friend . He turned his head and saw me staring at him , so I gave a kind of half wave at him . He looked away instantly and walked towards the stairs . Jonathan stopped dead in his tracks . He looked over at us and saw Henry waving him over to our area . I could see his hesitation and smell his fear from where I was sitting . I nodded at him when he turned his dark brown eyes to me . After a moment of awkward pause , he shifted his feet and walked slowly over to us . I found myself hating him a little bit . Not because he was so awkward , but because he didn 't seem to even want a social life . It was as if he was battling with himself on the inside , and I couldn 't tell if he was winning or losing . He was very difficult to read and for that , I couldn 't help but hate him . No one has been able to hide themselves from me for very long , but this kid was actually giving me a challenge . As he sat down on the opposite end of the couch I was sitting on , there was an awkward moment of silence between us . I gave a quick stink eye at him when he sat on my couch , but hid it before he or Henry could see it . I turned my attention to my laptop which had the website , Fmylife open . Henry noticed my shift in focus and started talking to Jonathan . Tuning out their conversation , I retreated into my thoughts . I nodded at appropriate times and feigned interest like I always did . To be honest , the conversations about this Rachel girl were getting repetitive . Someone who had minimal interaction with her would find someone else who had even less interaction with her and express what a " shock " it was when it happened . I was a little surprised when my thoughts crossed over the pain in my forehead , and suddenly all I could think of was Lucas . He perplexed me . He seemed to genuinely care about my wellbeing , but yet he didn 't ask for my number or ask to walk me up to my room or whatever . I concluded on the thought that he really didn 't care , and that he was just making sure I didn 't want to sue him or anything . My thoughts were interrupted by Henry 's voice . * * * Walking into the club , I heard the sounds of my favorite band , Paramore . Carly immediately began dancing to the tune of Crushcrushcrush as we were walking down the stairs to the main floor of the club . She flung her dark brown hair around in sync with the beat of the song and she pulled Mike out to the dance floor . Henry and I sat at the bar and saw Jonathan walking down the stairs . He was closely followed by Lucas and his eyes magnetically stuck to mine from across the room . I saw a smile creep across his face . He and Jonathan made their way over to the bar , but our eyes never separated . His were full of amusement , while mine were filled with annoyance . I gave him a glare and he burst into laughter . Jonathan and Henry broke off and started chatting while Lucas and I had a couple drinks . Lucas and I just sat at the bar talking about the music they were playing . I sat there stunned for a moment . No way were he and I in the same place at the same time worshiping the same band . I must have been staring for a few minutes because he broke me out of my trance by waving his hand in my face . We sat there as the final line of a song neither of us was paying attention to finished . Eagerly awaiting the next song to play , I looked around and noticed that everyone else was gone . The DJ shut off the sound system and the bartender told us they were closing in a few minutes . We stared at each other with wide eyes and disbelief . He got off his stool and motioned towards the staircase . I wiped my hands on my jeans and walked past him up the stairs . The cool , crisp air outside felt refreshing after being inside for God knows how long . I stretched a bit as Lucas emerged out of the stairway and chuckled at me . He smiled at me and I smiled back . It was then that I realized that I was doing exactly what I didn 't want to do . Acting on instinct , my mind took over and I broke this moment between us . I tried desperately to think of a rational excuse to keep from walking back with him , but failed miserably . I just nodded and walked beside him , not saying a word the whole mile and a half to the dorm . He tried to talk to me , but I made it very clear that I was " too tired to think " so he gave up after the third avoided question . We walked up the stairs of the dorm building and stood outside my room for a moment . Lucas burst into laughter that carried across the courtyard . We walked into the other dorm building and up the stairs to the third floor where Lucas ' room was . This building was much younger and nicer than the one I was living in . We walked into the room and my jaw nearly fell off when I saw the interior . It was at least twice as big as my room , and he didn 't even have a roommate . I went into the bathroom to take a piss and change and I came out to see him already under his covers . I walked softly over to the bed and sat down on it . As usual , I went over the day 's events in my head as a way of cataloguing any significance in any moment . I stopped at the brief moment between Lucas and I outside the club and couldn 't decide if that was significant . Without thinking , I blurted out a question to Lucas . I turned over and lay down on the bed . I stared at the ceiling and kept thinking about that exchange of smiles . As much as I disliked the idea , I had found a new friend in Lucas Harper . That wasn 't what was bothering me though . The issue I was bumping up against was whether or not I would drive him away . He was so different from the people I was friends with . Carly and Henry were just as closed of as I was … I mean am . But Lucas has a warming quality that I was afraid of breaking . I turned over , facing away from Lucas , and started drifting off to sleep . I could hear him lightly snoring from his bed behind me , and for the first time in a while , I let out a genuine laugh . It wasn 't forced or fake . And that 's when I realized that I actually liked Lucas . I was friends with Henry because we were in the same social group and had similar taste in music . I was friends with Carly because we 've been together nearly since birth . And right now , I couldn 't really tell if I actually liked either of them . THANK YOU ! , itc ! Excellent ! Been waiting for this 2nd chapter , and , in the mean time , read " Graduation " ! Now I understand the " tie in " here . Fantastic ! ! I 'm truly enjoying your writing style ! And , especially appreciate your including Aaron 's " inner conversation " with himself . Definitely looking forward to more ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote August 10th , 2009 , 11 : 44 AM Happy to see an addition to the story . I am certain Aaron and Lucas are going to be very good friends . . . . . . . . . . . . hopefully more . Like Littletosay , I wonder if Henry and Jonathan are getting to know each other . . . lol Great chapter ITC ! I felt the vibrations of my phone beneath my pillow . It was just loud enough to wake me , but not enough to stir Lucas out of his sleep . I slowly and quietly changed clothes and left his room . The sun was barely coming up and all I could think of was how much I missed my mother . I clutched the locket that hid beneath my shirt as my breathing became heavy with grief . I looked away from the sunrise and just walked around for a little while . I felt bad for leaving Lucas like that , but it was pointless for me to let myself get close to someone else . I listened to the voice in my head telling me that I had enough . Any more than what I already have would just make things harder . I would have just left it at that , but then I heard a voice I hadn 't heard in a long time . There was a name I hadn 't thought of in years . He was a lot like Lucas , or at least what I 've witnessed from Lucas so far . We complemented each other like cheese and macaroni . Everyone thought we were twins because between the two of us , we knew everything . We were like two halves of an apple . At least , until his dad 's company relocated his family to a small town three states away . That was about two years before I met Henry . If it weren 't for Carly I wouldn 't have even had Henry . But life has been hard enough since then , I don 't need someone else who I am certain will cause me pain one day . The argument in my mind subsided as I once again listened to my negativity and decided that Lucas was too good for me to even try to be his friend . I passed through the doors of my dorm building and saw Henry laying on one of the couches in the lounge . He looked totally smashed from last night . I walked up to him and flicked his ear . When I got him up to his dorm room , I went back downstairs to mine to see if Jonathan was still there . I looked at my watch and it was now 7 : 30 a . m . I poked my head into the room and saw that no one was inside . It reeked of sex so I grabbed the air freshener and just blasted it around the room . I sat on my bed and dropped my head into my hands for a moment . I actually didn 't know Henry as well as I thought . He could have done it himself , but I didn 't want to believe it . I especially didn 't want to because it was our usually breakfast day . It was the only morning the three of us had off at the same time , so we went to the local IHOP and caught up with the week 's events . I shoved my sausages into my mouth and listened to Carly drone on about her and Mike . I honestly couldn 't care less , but as usual I feigned interest and kept any conflict to a minimum . At any second I expected my thoughts to drift away from Carly incessant yammering . And there it was . I forgot my wallet . I don 't even remember where I put it . I felt around all my pockets and nothing . Thankfully it was Carly 's day to pay so I didn 't have to worry as much . * * * I sat down in my chair near the door and planted my face in my arms . I absolutely hated this class . Well , more the professor than the class . He and I were total opposites and we viewed the world completely differently . We constantly argued about the " meaning " of everything since I just believe that the world is in constant chaos and things just happen . We never agreed on anything and being the asshole I am , I always had to argue my point until both of us gave up , or he kicked me out of the class . He walked away towards the back of the room . I saw him sit down in the back row and felt a rush of guilt overwhelm me . I got up and went to sit next to him . " I just assigned a report . You partner up with someone you don 't know or barely know and study them . Then you write a full report about why you think they are the way they are , " he said . I looked at Lucas and he looked back at me . A smile began to penetrate the stern look on his face that he was holding for so long , but he quickly stopped it . I held up my hand to ask a question and Robbins took a deep breath . I smiled when he turned away . I don 't know what made me feel better , freaking out the entire class , or having an academic reason to be friends with Lucas . I turned to Lucas with the smile still on my face and saw the shock on his . He stared at me in disbelief as I chuckled at everyone 's confusion . When class was dismissed , Lucas and I walked towards the parking lot together . There was silence between us that I wanted him to be the one to break . I wanted to think of something to say , but my mind was running on empty . " I 'm sorry , I really can 't . I promised Carly I 'd go see that counselor again . I have to go around 6 : 30 . " I said . I was . The first genuine smile on my face in two years , and Lucas was causing it . I had no idea what that actually meant . I just knew that I wanted to be around Lucas as much as I possibly could . We sat down at one of the tables outside . The light breeze swept through the little junction of stores . Lucas jumped face first into his sandwich while I slowly picked at my pasta . " Ok , " I said pulling the small locket out from under my shirt collar , " This locket belonged to my mother . She bought it one day when we went to Sea World . She always loved dolphins and when she saw this … she said it was the third time in her life that she was absolutely certain about something she wanted . " " I found it one day shortly before I left for school , and I put a picture of her in it . I wear it everyday to remind myself that what I 'm doing is important for me . No matter how far away I am , when I 'm wearing this locket I feel like I 'm right where I belong . " " Alright well , when I was a kid I always wanted to have a dog . My neighbor had a Doberman puppy and I was absolutely in love with it . But my dad was crazy allergic to dog hair , so we couldn 't have one , " he said . " Yeah … so anyway , when I was like 8 or 9 , my dad had a business trip up in Lake Tahoe , so my parents decided to just make it into a family vacation since it was during the summer . My mom and I were walking down a little junction of stores and I walked by this toy store . I looked in the window and saw this little Doberman Beanie Baby , " he said . " I know , I know , guys and Beanie Babies just don 't really mix , but I was just a kid . I begged my mom for like 20 minutes to buy it for me until she was finally convinced that it would keep me from begging for a real dog . As soon as I got it in my arms , I was never apart from it . I loved that dog so much , " he said . I looked at Lucas completely differently . The compassion and kindness that he had wasn 't something he did voluntarily . From his story , I could tell that it was just natural for him . I smiled back at him and nodded . At that moment , it was like everything slowed down . I looked into his bright hazel eyes and saw the vulnerability . I wasn 't looking at his vulnerability , but I could see myself in the reflection of his eyes . I was looking at mine . I had never told anyone about the locket I held with me everyday . I never reached that level of connection with anyone . And yet , here I sat with a near stranger , and I just spilled information about one of my greatest possessions without much provocation from him . It was like that deal between us established a trust that would take most people years to build . We instantly had a " You give , I give " connection . It felt amazing not only to trust someone so easily , but also to be trusted by that person with the same level of ease . I felt different , almost refreshed . I could feel the changes happening inside me . The warmth I locked away so many years ago was bubbling to the surface and pushing out the cold , logical , and emotionless version of me . That was an amazing chapter . I 'm really feeling for Luke and Aaron now . Hopefully they 'll get to be better friends . . . if Aaron 's head doesn 't do him in . What a great story - so well written ! I love the way you let us in to AAron 's inner voices . . . and I could feel the connection happening - blossoming ! I am an incurable romantic - I am loving this ! ! ! Hugs ! Reply With Quote August 15th , 2009 , 09 : 00 PM That was a wonderfully warm and touching chapter . Trust like that does not come easily . I have a feeling Aaron is going to be a little more reasonable with the counselor . He has something important to relay this time . Luke has that inner connection that anyone would be happy to share . Obviously he has some of the same concerns regarding friendships that Aaron has . I like the way things are going in this story . Eager to read the next chapter . Hey guys , so this chapter is a bit shorter but I wanted to get this part out of the way as soon as possible . I think I 've allowed you all get a better feel for Aaron in this chapter and I 'm going to bring in a few subtle hints and a few not so subtle hints with the next few chapters . Enjoy Wings of A Butterfly Veronica looked at me through her black rimmed glasses as I sat in the chair across from her . I subtly looked around the room to try and get a read on her in case I needed some ammo . She offered me a glass of tea , which I reluctantly accepted . Veronica examined me for a moment , as if to check for subtle hints that could actually lead her somewhere . She picked up her cup and sipped at her tea with her eyes closed . When she opened her eyes it was like a fire had been lit in her soul . She held more energy in them , as if she found something she could use . " I believe you agreed because you value your relationship with Carly , but you 're afraid of feeling vulnerable with another human being . So you fight them every step of the way , but you still end up doing things for them . You do it so you appear to care about them , but to also tell them that you wish you didn 't , " she said . " You think you know me after talking to me twice ? Well let me tell you something , you don 't know a thing about me . So you can sit up here in your little room with all your credentials hanging up on the wall and listen to other people complain about their problems . But me , I 'm going out there . I 'm going to do something that actually matters to the world . So you can take your assumptions about me and shove them up your ass because you have no idea why I am the way that I am . " I bolted out of my seat and stormed over towards the door . She was up and at the door faster than I could reach it . She held her hand against the door as I was trying to open it and storm out of the room . She looked calmly into my eyes and somehow forced the rage that was boiling under my skin to subside . She slowly walked back to her seat . As she sat down she motioned toward the chair for me to sit back down . I turned to face her and crossed my arms . " Before you can face whatever makes you afraid of connecting with other people , you need to tell at least one person what it is , " she said , " It doesn 't have to be me , it can be anyone . But until you tell someone , you 'll always be afraid of it . You 'll keep pushing people out of your life just as you 're about to get close to them . " Defeated , I walked back over to the chair across from her . I stared directly into her dark blue eyes . There was no anger or judgment in them . There was no hostility or restraint in mine either . I couldn 't see it , but I definitely felt it . " Aaron , there is no need for an apology . What you did was a classic outburst . In a way , it made it easier to see who you really are underneath this façade you portray , " she said . She looked up at me with confusion on her face . Her lips pursed and her brow wrinkled with intense thought . I noticed her right hand start flipping her pen around her fingers , something that my Psych professor said people do when they are working something over in their mind . She paused for a second . She put down her sandwich and kept her eyes low . She placed her arms on the table across her chest . Her eyes slowly looked up into mine and examined me for a moment . " Aaron , you haven 't been involved with any girl that I know of since I met you . You haven 't given any reason to believe that you 're straight . You 've never even stated whether you were straight or not . So yeah , I can believe that she may have thought so . " I grabbed my things and walked away . The wind was blowing gently , so I decided to follow it and see where it took me . I really didn 't care . It was Friday afternoon , and two days since I last saw Lucas . Me , being the idiot that I am , forgot to get his number . And both times I knocked on his door were not answered . I was walking by the Science and Health Studies building when a door opened and nearly hit me in the face . A crowd of students flew out the door and poured into the courtyard . Politely , I held the door open and waited for every last one of them to leave the room . The last person to leave was the last person I expected it to be . I rolled my eyes and pushed his shoulder . I didn 't even know where we were walking to , but we ended up at the east parking lot . I looked around for a moment in silence while standing next to Lucas waiting for the crosswalk to turn . He smiled and walked across the street with his golden hair being brushed by the light wind . As he walked away , I noticed he was slightly limping . I pushed it into the back of my mind for now and walked off towards the corner store with a small grin on my face . Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote August 17th , 2009 , 09 : 50 AM That was a very thought provoking chapter . It 's obvious Aaron can 't always stay on his sarcastic path . The counselor broke through and Luke has as well . He 's really not a bad ass after all . Now he has to come to terms with his sexuality and I hope Luke will begin that journey with him soon . Thanks for the update and looking for the next . Thanks for the speedy update . . . if only I could crank out quality work that quickly haha . I 'm VERY excited for the next chapter and to find out what this limp was all about . More more more ! ! ! Irish I knocked on his door three times , each knock slightly lower on the door than the other . I never noticed that I did it until now . Something about Lucas made me more aware of anything I did . Even my little weird things like my knock . The pizza in my left hand was starting to make my palm sweat , or at least that 's what I convinced myself was making it sweat . He opened the door and smiled at me . I opened the box and we each grabbed a slice . I sat back down in his chair and he flopped down on his bed and ate the slice in seconds . I laughed at him and he smiled awkwardly at me . A moment of silence passed between us as we ate . His eyes were glued to the ground and I could tell he was thinking of something that he wasn 't sure about saying . After I finished my slice , I took a deep breath . " Well it got me thinking , " he said , " And I thought about it all day . I 'm not trying to pry you for information or anything , but if you want we could make another deal . You tell me something , I 'll tell you something . " Lucas sat up and sat on the edge of his bed . He stared into my eyes and somehow , I felt a little better . The pain in my chest went away and I was able to hold the tears back a little better than before . " I came home from school one day and found her unconscious in the kitchen . I called 911 but it was too late . I found my mother dead that day . " " She worked so hard for me . She worked so hard to give me a good life … " I said , " But she never thought about what would happen to me if she was gone . " That did it . The tears pushed themselves out of my eyes and I fell forward into myself . Lucas stood up and kneeled down in front of me and caught me before I collapsed . He held me and I cried on his shoulder . " Aaron , that 's ok , " he said . He pulled me away from him and looked directly into my eyes . He placed both hands firmly , but gently , on my shoulders . " She obviously didn 't want you to know until it happened , " he said , " She was probably so scared about leaving you . She probably didn 't want you to have to live every single day in fear , and then have grief on top of that feeling after she died . It 's not wrong for you to be angry , but she probably didn 't tell you because of what knowing that she was going to die would do to you . " He looked firmly into my eyes . I could see his fixation , and from that I could tell that he did genuinely care about me . In my mind , I saw myself drowning . I couldn 't keep myself afloat , even though I had people around me trying to pull me out of the water . I was just about to give up and let myself fall beneath the surface , when I felt a hand grab my arm and lift me up . I looked into the eyes of my rescuer . The bright hazel colored eyes that penetrated my soul and brought down every barrier I had built . I looked back into his eyes and felt the pain be washed away . The tears stopped and I regained my composition . I took several deep breaths and calmed myself down . I sat up straight , never looking away from Lucas ' eyes . They made me feel safe . I nodded at him , but remained silent . I didn 't know what to do now . This was the most vulnerable I 've ever felt in my life . For the first time since my mom 's funeral , I cried in front of another person . I knew he felt the tension boiling inside me , so he wrapped his arms around me again to comfort me . I got up and put the movie in and pressed play . I sat back into the chair and he moved back onto his bed . I noticed he kept looking at me as if I were about to shatter into a million pieces . He walked over to his bookshelf , and I noticed his slight limp again . He turned around smiling with the case of October Sky in his hands . I must have had a worried look on my face or something because his smile disappeared and his eyes glazed over a bit . " It 's ok , " he said , " I talked to Jonathan this morning and he told me everything . He seemed so proud of it , so I yelled at him . Then he said , ' It 's not like I raped him or anything , ' and the next thing I knew , my fist flew into his face . I knocked him on the ground and he kicked me in the hip when I leaned in to help him up . " I smiled at him and he smiled back . At that moment , I felt like we were floating in a space of nothingness . There was nothing to worry about except whether or not we were flying or falling . That 's how it was with Lucas . I could be flying or falling , and it would make no difference to me . It was a challenge to be open with him , but at the same time I felt completely safe . We watched the movie in near silence . Apparently we both loved this movie so much that we could nearly recite the script . I swear at one point I saw him mouthing some of the words . But he just blushed and looked away from me . Lucas made me feel different than my other friends did . I didn 't have to worry about what I said or how I said it . I didn 't have to worry about whether or not I stepped on his toes . I didn 't have to worry about anything really . All I had to do was be myself and let him see my vulnerable side every once in a while . * * * It was nearly 11 at night when I got back to my dorm room . Jonathan was sitting at his desk . I could see very clearly where Lucas clocked him . I couldn 't help but smirk a little about it . " Look you little shit , " I said , " I really don 't care if you do drugs . You can OD on the shit for all I care . But if you EVER slip any of my friends any drugs again without them knowing about it , I swear to God I will rip off your balls and shove em down your throat . " " Do you have any idea what I did to people like you at my high school ? " I asked , " Well it would be NOTHING compared to what I would do to you if you came within 5 feet of Henry ever again . Do you understand me ? " He nodded with fear . I released my grip on his shirt and walked away from him . I didn 't hear him move at all , but when I looked back he was opening the door to leave . Wow ! How great to see Aaron being so vulnerable in telling Luke about his mother . Trusting another person so deeply takes a lot of fortitude . Then , along with Luke , being so protective of another friend . A maturity is growing within him and it suits him well . I like that he and Luke are bonding so well . Awesome chapter , ITC . Great work , ITC ! I love how comfortable he 's becoming with Luke . I can really feel this story going somewhere great ! I also enjoyed how both of them stood up for Henry , especially Aaron who only had Luke 's word on the matter . Aw ! THAT is Fantastic ! ! This is a Good story , itc ! THANK YOU ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote Page 1 of 9

Hey guys , so as promised I 've started on a new story . I 've been tweaking it for a couple days now , and I think it 's finally ready for public eyes . I wanna give a quick thanks to everyone who read and supported Graduation . And those who didn 't , well you should go read it : Graduation The clock that hung from the wall ticked loudly through the silence as the pendulum swung from side to side . I had probably been sitting there for 3 minutes without saying a word . What could I say though ? There was nothing on my mind and she seemed stubborn enough to not be the first one to break the silence between us . " Well , it 's really nothing huge . It 's just a bunch of little things . Homework , tests , social ties … stuff like that , " I said . The woman gently uncrossed and re - crossed her legs as she took a sip of her coffee . She stared at me beneath rectangular , black - rimmed glasses as if to signal me to continue . I really didn 't know what to say . I wasn 't even here by my own choice . Stupid school requirements were forcing me to come here . Apparently , when one student kills themselves , every other student must be suicidal as well . " I don 't know . I try to remind myself that I 'm actually doing pretty well in life . I think about that girl Rachel , the one who shot herself , and I just think about how messed up things must have been for her , " I said . " Not really , no . I mean , I didn 't actually know her so her death doesn 't make me sad . But I feel compassion for the people that cared about her . I 've seen them around and they look pretty fucked up , " I said . " It 's fine . No one is going to get mad at you here . I can have a fucking dirty mouth too sometimes , " she said with a smile . I smiled back at her , but it was just a courtesy smile . I really didn 't think I belonged here . On the outside , I was just a normal college student trying his best to do well in life . On the inside , I didn 't really care about much . All over , I was just your typical everyday teenager who just wanted to fit in and be accepted . " She 's great . We 've been friends since Junior High . She brings out the best kind of person in me . When I 'm around her , I just feel so free it 's as if I could be anyone I wanted to be , " I said . " There 's Carly 's boyfriend , Mike . He 's an ok guy . I wouldn 't consider him one of my best friends , but it 's important to Carly that I like him , so I do , " I said . " Well Aaron , from what I 've gathered there is no need for you to be in therapy . You are perfectly normal in every visual way . I 'll write up a dismissal form for you to turn in at the administrator 's office on campus … unless you want to tell me something else ? " she asked . We sat down at one of the picnic tables that were scattered around the campus . Carly dug right into her food but I just sat there playing with mine with my fork . The fork got stuck and I ended up flicking an olive into the air . I eyed her expression up and down . I was trying to tell if she was pulling my leg or if she was honestly suggesting this . She noticed me studying her face and stared back at me with a raised eyebrow . " Quite possibly , but more importantly I 'm actually serious . You 're so bitter and sarcastic all the time . You never actually talk about what 's bothering you , " she said . After Carly took off to her Philosophy class , I decided to walk around campus . My thought train was on several different tracks as it always was . The first track stayed focused on what I would talk about with the counselor . Would she ask me questions again , or would I have to come up with stuff on my own ? What if I couldn 't think of anything to say ? Did it really matter ? I shook my head at the thought . It didn 't matter at all because it wasn 't necessary . It 's not like there 's anything wrong with me . What 's a psychiatrist going to tell me that I don 't already know ? Whatever , it was for Carly anyway . As long as she was content with me then I was happy . She has no need to worry about me , and this was the only way to prove it to her . My second track was thinking about Rachel . Not about her death , but who she really was . I tried to come up with a picture of what her life was like before she killed herself . The news report said her brother and three of her friends were there when she did it . They said she tried to kill one of them , but her brother stopped her . It made me think that her brother was really close to her and meant a lot to her . But why would she kill herself instead of get help ? Did she really not want to live anymore or did she feel so ashamed about what she did that her brother wouldn 't love her anymore ? It was a sad thought , but I figured anyone who is desperate enough to kill themselves if it meant the pain would stop then she was beyond help . It was a sad thought sure , but it didn 't make me sad . Her brother must have had it rough though . If I had a brother or a sister , then I would probably be able to imagine what he felt . But I didn 't , so I didn 't care very much . My third track was about all the new people moving into the dorms after what happened . There were so few people living in the dorms before that I was able to live alone , but now I was being assigned a roommate . Joy . Another person that I have to socialize with every day , just what I wanted . I finally jumped off my thought train and looked at my watch realizing that it was 1 : 30 already . I decided to head back to the dorm and wait for my new roommate . When I walked past the main Administrator 's Office , I turned the corner sharply and accidentally bumped into someone . I hit my head against theirs and fell down on my ass . He lowered his hand towards me to lift me up . I rubbed my head with my left hand as I took his extended arm with my right . He pulled me up and steadied me . As my vision refocused I was able to see his face . He had a pair of bright green eyes fixated on me while I regained my balance . I took a step forward and wobbled a little . He grabbed my shoulder and laughed a little . Once I got my balance back I laughed a little as well and shook my head . " You want me to walk with you and make sure you don 't pass out ? " he asked flashing me his bright smile . We walked across the campus together , every now and then I would stumble a little and he caught me before I tripped over myself . Each time I did it he let out a chuckle . I probably looked like a complete idiot . We were about halfway across the campus when he started talking to me randomly . I looked up at him and admired him a little . I wasn 't a very creative person , and I respected those that were . I couldn 't draw anything to save my life , but I like looking at the work of those that could . He looked at me as we stopped outside of the north dorm building . His bright hazel eyes glimmered in the light from the sun . I studied them as discretely as I could and noticed that there was a hint of gold around the edges . He smiled and revealed a set of bright white teeth that would make a dentist jealous . I didn 't know what he was smiling at , so I raised an eyebrow at him . As he walked away , I tried to study what made him tick , and what made those thoughts slip out of my mind . Even with Carly , I kept all of my sarcasm in my head so I didn 't offend her at all . There was something different about Luke that I couldn 't quite put my finger on . He was like a book full of analogies and metaphors that made my brain itch . He was confusing and yet , I felt like I understood him at the same time . The only thing I didn 't understand was that bizarre question and answer session while we were walking . Did he honestly care if I was ok even though he just met me ? That had to be it ; and that officially made him tomorrow 's problem . Today 's problem was probably already upstairs unpacking it 's shit , and I had to go meet it and make nice with it for the rest of the semester . He was probably some weak little brainiac that was so afraid of the world that he had to move in with the big boys . It 's just what I needed this semester ; to be some pathetic genius ' bodyguard . I flopped down on my bed and closed my eyes for a moment . My thoughts instantly drifted to Lucas … I mean Luke . What was his deal ? No one could be that nice to someone they just met . Fuck , now I was obsessing . I opened my eyes and rubbed the spot on my forehead where his head hit mine . Just then the door popped open and my new roommate stepped inside , followed closely by that awkward moment . I think I 'm going to like this story ! Off to a really great start . I think I have a feeling who Aaron 's new roommate is going to be BTW , I LOVED Graduation ! ! ! You have such compelling storylines and I have a feeling I won 't be disappointed with this one either . Can 't wait for more ! ! already I have noticed some parallels ! rachel killed herself in " Graduation " and also had a brother who was concerned - - same here . I 'm guessing lucas / luke is the love interest ? he has sparking green eyes ( and a killer smile ) , just like Cameron . Reply With Quote July 18th , 2009 , 10 : 56 PM Hmmm ! Haven 't read " Graduation " . . . yet ! . . . but , I 'm liking this one . . . a LOT ! PLEASE keep up the great work ! I 'm definitely looking forward to reading more of YOU ! Very interesting perspective ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote July 19th , 2009 , 01 : 16 AM How great to sign on today and see one of my favorite authors had started a new story . I like the approach this one has and as ASDF pointed out , there are the parallels with " Graduation . " Who would have thought that a tragic event such as Rachael killing herself would have such a wide effect on someone that didn 't even know her . I can tell this is going to be as brilliant a story as " Graduation " but with an entirely new cast of characters . Looking forward to a long read . already I have noticed some parallels ! rachel killed herself in " Graduation " and also had a brother who was concerned - - same here . I 'm guessing lucas / luke is the love interest ? he has sparking green eyes ( and a killer smile ) , just like Cameron . Oops looks like I overlooked something while I was editing . His eyes were supposed to be Hazel . I guess I just missed that one And I 'm glad you guys like it so far . I 'm gonna start chapter two today and hopefully be finished soon . Thanks for the support guys ! Great start ! I really enjoyed " Graduation " , I think I 'll like this story too . Looking forward to chapter 2 already ! Reply With Quote July 23rd , 2009 , 05 : 34 AM ITC this is a great beginning . Looking forward to more . I know that it will be just as fantastic as Graduation and I think you know by now that that story was the greatest . H & K " He 's ok . He 's kinda quiet though . After he unpacked he just sat at his desk playing games on his computer , " I said . Henry and I were sitting in the Student Hall on campus . The building was amazing . It had a big sitting / study area on the main floor , a library on the second floor , and a bunch of little shops , food places , and even a bowling alley in the underground area . I sat on my favorite couch in the room and Henry sat in the armchair sitting adjacent to me . I turned around and looked at the doors behind me . Jonathan was standing there looking awkwardly into the crowd for a place to sit down . I couldn 't help but feel sorry for him . He honestly looked like a guy who just needed a friend . He turned his head and saw me staring at him , so I gave a kind of half wave at him . He looked away instantly and walked towards the stairs . Jonathan stopped dead in his tracks . He looked over at us and saw Henry waving him over to our area . I could see his hesitation and smell his fear from where I was sitting . I nodded at him when he turned his dark brown eyes to me . After a moment of awkward pause , he shifted his feet and walked slowly over to us . I found myself hating him a little bit . Not because he was so awkward , but because he didn 't seem to even want a social life . It was as if he was battling with himself on the inside , and I couldn 't tell if he was winning or losing . He was very difficult to read and for that , I couldn 't help but hate him . No one has been able to hide themselves from me for very long , but this kid was actually giving me a challenge . As he sat down on the opposite end of the couch I was sitting on , there was an awkward moment of silence between us . I gave a quick stink eye at him when he sat on my couch , but hid it before he or Henry could see it . I turned my attention to my laptop which had the website , Fmylife open . Henry noticed my shift in focus and started talking to Jonathan . Tuning out their conversation , I retreated into my thoughts . I nodded at appropriate times and feigned interest like I always did . To be honest , the conversations about this Rachel girl were getting repetitive . Someone who had minimal interaction with her would find someone else who had even less interaction with her and express what a " shock " it was when it happened . I was a little surprised when my thoughts crossed over the pain in my forehead , and suddenly all I could think of was Lucas . He perplexed me . He seemed to genuinely care about my wellbeing , but yet he didn 't ask for my number or ask to walk me up to my room or whatever . I concluded on the thought that he really didn 't care , and that he was just making sure I didn 't want to sue him or anything . My thoughts were interrupted by Henry 's voice . * * * Walking into the club , I heard the sounds of my favorite band , Paramore . Carly immediately began dancing to the tune of Crushcrushcrush as we were walking down the stairs to the main floor of the club . She flung her dark brown hair around in sync with the beat of the song and she pulled Mike out to the dance floor . Henry and I sat at the bar and saw Jonathan walking down the stairs . He was closely followed by Lucas and his eyes magnetically stuck to mine from across the room . I saw a smile creep across his face . He and Jonathan made their way over to the bar , but our eyes never separated . His were full of amusement , while mine were filled with annoyance . I gave him a glare and he burst into laughter . Jonathan and Henry broke off and started chatting while Lucas and I had a couple drinks . Lucas and I just sat at the bar talking about the music they were playing . I sat there stunned for a moment . No way were he and I in the same place at the same time worshiping the same band . I must have been staring for a few minutes because he broke me out of my trance by waving his hand in my face . We sat there as the final line of a song neither of us was paying attention to finished . Eagerly awaiting the next song to play , I looked around and noticed that everyone else was gone . The DJ shut off the sound system and the bartender told us they were closing in a few minutes . We stared at each other with wide eyes and disbelief . He got off his stool and motioned towards the staircase . I wiped my hands on my jeans and walked past him up the stairs . The cool , crisp air outside felt refreshing after being inside for God knows how long . I stretched a bit as Lucas emerged out of the stairway and chuckled at me . He smiled at me and I smiled back . It was then that I realized that I was doing exactly what I didn 't want to do . Acting on instinct , my mind took over and I broke this moment between us . I tried desperately to think of a rational excuse to keep from walking back with him , but failed miserably . I just nodded and walked beside him , not saying a word the whole mile and a half to the dorm . He tried to talk to me , but I made it very clear that I was " too tired to think " so he gave up after the third avoided question . We walked up the stairs of the dorm building and stood outside my room for a moment . Lucas burst into laughter that carried across the courtyard . We walked into the other dorm building and up the stairs to the third floor where Lucas ' room was . This building was much younger and nicer than the one I was living in . We walked into the room and my jaw nearly fell off when I saw the interior . It was at least twice as big as my room , and he didn 't even have a roommate . I went into the bathroom to take a piss and change and I came out to see him already under his covers . I walked softly over to the bed and sat down on it . As usual , I went over the day 's events in my head as a way of cataloguing any significance in any moment . I stopped at the brief moment between Lucas and I outside the club and couldn 't decide if that was significant . Without thinking , I blurted out a question to Lucas . I turned over and lay down on the bed . I stared at the ceiling and kept thinking about that exchange of smiles . As much as I disliked the idea , I had found a new friend in Lucas Harper . That wasn 't what was bothering me though . The issue I was bumping up against was whether or not I would drive him away . He was so different from the people I was friends with . Carly and Henry were just as closed of as I was … I mean am . But Lucas has a warming quality that I was afraid of breaking . I turned over , facing away from Lucas , and started drifting off to sleep . I could hear him lightly snoring from his bed behind me , and for the first time in a while , I let out a genuine laugh . It wasn 't forced or fake . And that 's when I realized that I actually liked Lucas . I was friends with Henry because we were in the same social group and had similar taste in music . I was friends with Carly because we 've been together nearly since birth . And right now , I couldn 't really tell if I actually liked either of them . THANK YOU ! , itc ! Excellent ! Been waiting for this 2nd chapter , and , in the mean time , read " Graduation " ! Now I understand the " tie in " here . Fantastic ! ! I 'm truly enjoying your writing style ! And , especially appreciate your including Aaron 's " inner conversation " with himself . Definitely looking forward to more ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote August 10th , 2009 , 11 : 44 AM Happy to see an addition to the story . I am certain Aaron and Lucas are going to be very good friends . . . . . . . . . . . . hopefully more . Like Littletosay , I wonder if Henry and Jonathan are getting to know each other . . . lol Great chapter ITC ! I felt the vibrations of my phone beneath my pillow . It was just loud enough to wake me , but not enough to stir Lucas out of his sleep . I slowly and quietly changed clothes and left his room . The sun was barely coming up and all I could think of was how much I missed my mother . I clutched the locket that hid beneath my shirt as my breathing became heavy with grief . I looked away from the sunrise and just walked around for a little while . I felt bad for leaving Lucas like that , but it was pointless for me to let myself get close to someone else . I listened to the voice in my head telling me that I had enough . Any more than what I already have would just make things harder . I would have just left it at that , but then I heard a voice I hadn 't heard in a long time . There was a name I hadn 't thought of in years . He was a lot like Lucas , or at least what I 've witnessed from Lucas so far . We complemented each other like cheese and macaroni . Everyone thought we were twins because between the two of us , we knew everything . We were like two halves of an apple . At least , until his dad 's company relocated his family to a small town three states away . That was about two years before I met Henry . If it weren 't for Carly I wouldn 't have even had Henry . But life has been hard enough since then , I don 't need someone else who I am certain will cause me pain one day . The argument in my mind subsided as I once again listened to my negativity and decided that Lucas was too good for me to even try to be his friend . I passed through the doors of my dorm building and saw Henry laying on one of the couches in the lounge . He looked totally smashed from last night . I walked up to him and flicked his ear . When I got him up to his dorm room , I went back downstairs to mine to see if Jonathan was still there . I looked at my watch and it was now 7 : 30 a . m . I poked my head into the room and saw that no one was inside . It reeked of sex so I grabbed the air freshener and just blasted it around the room . I sat on my bed and dropped my head into my hands for a moment . I actually didn 't know Henry as well as I thought . He could have done it himself , but I didn 't want to believe it . I especially didn 't want to because it was our usually breakfast day . It was the only morning the three of us had off at the same time , so we went to the local IHOP and caught up with the week 's events . I shoved my sausages into my mouth and listened to Carly drone on about her and Mike . I honestly couldn 't care less , but as usual I feigned interest and kept any conflict to a minimum . At any second I expected my thoughts to drift away from Carly incessant yammering . And there it was . I forgot my wallet . I don 't even remember where I put it . I felt around all my pockets and nothing . Thankfully it was Carly 's day to pay so I didn 't have to worry as much . * * * I sat down in my chair near the door and planted my face in my arms . I absolutely hated this class . Well , more the professor than the class . He and I were total opposites and we viewed the world completely differently . We constantly argued about the " meaning " of everything since I just believe that the world is in constant chaos and things just happen . We never agreed on anything and being the asshole I am , I always had to argue my point until both of us gave up , or he kicked me out of the class . He walked away towards the back of the room . I saw him sit down in the back row and felt a rush of guilt overwhelm me . I got up and went to sit next to him . " I just assigned a report . You partner up with someone you don 't know or barely know and study them . Then you write a full report about why you think they are the way they are , " he said . I looked at Lucas and he looked back at me . A smile began to penetrate the stern look on his face that he was holding for so long , but he quickly stopped it . I held up my hand to ask a question and Robbins took a deep breath . I smiled when he turned away . I don 't know what made me feel better , freaking out the entire class , or having an academic reason to be friends with Lucas . I turned to Lucas with the smile still on my face and saw the shock on his . He stared at me in disbelief as I chuckled at everyone 's confusion . When class was dismissed , Lucas and I walked towards the parking lot together . There was silence between us that I wanted him to be the one to break . I wanted to think of something to say , but my mind was running on empty . " I 'm sorry , I really can 't . I promised Carly I 'd go see that counselor again . I have to go around 6 : 30 . " I said . I was . The first genuine smile on my face in two years , and Lucas was causing it . I had no idea what that actually meant . I just knew that I wanted to be around Lucas as much as I possibly could . We sat down at one of the tables outside . The light breeze swept through the little junction of stores . Lucas jumped face first into his sandwich while I slowly picked at my pasta . " Ok , " I said pulling the small locket out from under my shirt collar , " This locket belonged to my mother . She bought it one day when we went to Sea World . She always loved dolphins and when she saw this … she said it was the third time in her life that she was absolutely certain about something she wanted . " " I found it one day shortly before I left for school , and I put a picture of her in it . I wear it everyday to remind myself that what I 'm doing is important for me . No matter how far away I am , when I 'm wearing this locket I feel like I 'm right where I belong . " " Alright well , when I was a kid I always wanted to have a dog . My neighbor had a Doberman puppy and I was absolutely in love with it . But my dad was crazy allergic to dog hair , so we couldn 't have one , " he said . " Yeah … so anyway , when I was like 8 or 9 , my dad had a business trip up in Lake Tahoe , so my parents decided to just make it into a family vacation since it was during the summer . My mom and I were walking down a little junction of stores and I walked by this toy store . I looked in the window and saw this little Doberman Beanie Baby , " he said . " I know , I know , guys and Beanie Babies just don 't really mix , but I was just a kid . I begged my mom for like 20 minutes to buy it for me until she was finally convinced that it would keep me from begging for a real dog . As soon as I got it in my arms , I was never apart from it . I loved that dog so much , " he said . I looked at Lucas completely differently . The compassion and kindness that he had wasn 't something he did voluntarily . From his story , I could tell that it was just natural for him . I smiled back at him and nodded . At that moment , it was like everything slowed down . I looked into his bright hazel eyes and saw the vulnerability . I wasn 't looking at his vulnerability , but I could see myself in the reflection of his eyes . I was looking at mine . I had never told anyone about the locket I held with me everyday . I never reached that level of connection with anyone . And yet , here I sat with a near stranger , and I just spilled information about one of my greatest possessions without much provocation from him . It was like that deal between us established a trust that would take most people years to build . We instantly had a " You give , I give " connection . It felt amazing not only to trust someone so easily , but also to be trusted by that person with the same level of ease . I felt different , almost refreshed . I could feel the changes happening inside me . The warmth I locked away so many years ago was bubbling to the surface and pushing out the cold , logical , and emotionless version of me . That was an amazing chapter . I 'm really feeling for Luke and Aaron now . Hopefully they 'll get to be better friends . . . if Aaron 's head doesn 't do him in . What a great story - so well written ! I love the way you let us in to AAron 's inner voices . . . and I could feel the connection happening - blossoming ! I am an incurable romantic - I am loving this ! ! ! Hugs ! Reply With Quote August 15th , 2009 , 09 : 00 PM That was a wonderfully warm and touching chapter . Trust like that does not come easily . I have a feeling Aaron is going to be a little more reasonable with the counselor . He has something important to relay this time . Luke has that inner connection that anyone would be happy to share . Obviously he has some of the same concerns regarding friendships that Aaron has . I like the way things are going in this story . Eager to read the next chapter . Hey guys , so this chapter is a bit shorter but I wanted to get this part out of the way as soon as possible . I think I 've allowed you all get a better feel for Aaron in this chapter and I 'm going to bring in a few subtle hints and a few not so subtle hints with the next few chapters . Enjoy Wings of A Butterfly Veronica looked at me through her black rimmed glasses as I sat in the chair across from her . I subtly looked around the room to try and get a read on her in case I needed some ammo . She offered me a glass of tea , which I reluctantly accepted . Veronica examined me for a moment , as if to check for subtle hints that could actually lead her somewhere . She picked up her cup and sipped at her tea with her eyes closed . When she opened her eyes it was like a fire had been lit in her soul . She held more energy in them , as if she found something she could use . " I believe you agreed because you value your relationship with Carly , but you 're afraid of feeling vulnerable with another human being . So you fight them every step of the way , but you still end up doing things for them . You do it so you appear to care about them , but to also tell them that you wish you didn 't , " she said . " You think you know me after talking to me twice ? Well let me tell you something , you don 't know a thing about me . So you can sit up here in your little room with all your credentials hanging up on the wall and listen to other people complain about their problems . But me , I 'm going out there . I 'm going to do something that actually matters to the world . So you can take your assumptions about me and shove them up your ass because you have no idea why I am the way that I am . " I bolted out of my seat and stormed over towards the door . She was up and at the door faster than I could reach it . She held her hand against the door as I was trying to open it and storm out of the room . She looked calmly into my eyes and somehow forced the rage that was boiling under my skin to subside . She slowly walked back to her seat . As she sat down she motioned toward the chair for me to sit back down . I turned to face her and crossed my arms . " Before you can face whatever makes you afraid of connecting with other people , you need to tell at least one person what it is , " she said , " It doesn 't have to be me , it can be anyone . But until you tell someone , you 'll always be afraid of it . You 'll keep pushing people out of your life just as you 're about to get close to them . " Defeated , I walked back over to the chair across from her . I stared directly into her dark blue eyes . There was no anger or judgment in them . There was no hostility or restraint in mine either . I couldn 't see it , but I definitely felt it . " Aaron , there is no need for an apology . What you did was a classic outburst . In a way , it made it easier to see who you really are underneath this façade you portray , " she said . She looked up at me with confusion on her face . Her lips pursed and her brow wrinkled with intense thought . I noticed her right hand start flipping her pen around her fingers , something that my Psych professor said people do when they are working something over in their mind . She paused for a second . She put down her sandwich and kept her eyes low . She placed her arms on the table across her chest . Her eyes slowly looked up into mine and examined me for a moment . " Aaron , you haven 't been involved with any girl that I know of since I met you . You haven 't given any reason to believe that you 're straight . You 've never even stated whether you were straight or not . So yeah , I can believe that she may have thought so . " I grabbed my things and walked away . The wind was blowing gently , so I decided to follow it and see where it took me . I really didn 't care . It was Friday afternoon , and two days since I last saw Lucas . Me , being the idiot that I am , forgot to get his number . And both times I knocked on his door were not answered . I was walking by the Science and Health Studies building when a door opened and nearly hit me in the face . A crowd of students flew out the door and poured into the courtyard . Politely , I held the door open and waited for every last one of them to leave the room . The last person to leave was the last person I expected it to be . I rolled my eyes and pushed his shoulder . I didn 't even know where we were walking to , but we ended up at the east parking lot . I looked around for a moment in silence while standing next to Lucas waiting for the crosswalk to turn . He smiled and walked across the street with his golden hair being brushed by the light wind . As he walked away , I noticed he was slightly limping . I pushed it into the back of my mind for now and walked off towards the corner store with a small grin on my face . Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote August 17th , 2009 , 09 : 50 AM That was a very thought provoking chapter . It 's obvious Aaron can 't always stay on his sarcastic path . The counselor broke through and Luke has as well . He 's really not a bad ass after all . Now he has to come to terms with his sexuality and I hope Luke will begin that journey with him soon . Thanks for the update and looking for the next . Thanks for the speedy update . . . if only I could crank out quality work that quickly haha . I 'm VERY excited for the next chapter and to find out what this limp was all about . More more more ! ! ! Irish I knocked on his door three times , each knock slightly lower on the door than the other . I never noticed that I did it until now . Something about Lucas made me more aware of anything I did . Even my little weird things like my knock . The pizza in my left hand was starting to make my palm sweat , or at least that 's what I convinced myself was making it sweat . He opened the door and smiled at me . I opened the box and we each grabbed a slice . I sat back down in his chair and he flopped down on his bed and ate the slice in seconds . I laughed at him and he smiled awkwardly at me . A moment of silence passed between us as we ate . His eyes were glued to the ground and I could tell he was thinking of something that he wasn 't sure about saying . After I finished my slice , I took a deep breath . " Well it got me thinking , " he said , " And I thought about it all day . I 'm not trying to pry you for information or anything , but if you want we could make another deal . You tell me something , I 'll tell you something . " Lucas sat up and sat on the edge of his bed . He stared into my eyes and somehow , I felt a little better . The pain in my chest went away and I was able to hold the tears back a little better than before . " I came home from school one day and found her unconscious in the kitchen . I called 911 but it was too late . I found my mother dead that day . " " She worked so hard for me . She worked so hard to give me a good life … " I said , " But she never thought about what would happen to me if she was gone . " That did it . The tears pushed themselves out of my eyes and I fell forward into myself . Lucas stood up and kneeled down in front of me and caught me before I collapsed . He held me and I cried on his shoulder . " Aaron , that 's ok , " he said . He pulled me away from him and looked directly into my eyes . He placed both hands firmly , but gently , on my shoulders . " She obviously didn 't want you to know until it happened , " he said , " She was probably so scared about leaving you . She probably didn 't want you to have to live every single day in fear , and then have grief on top of that feeling after she died . It 's not wrong for you to be angry , but she probably didn 't tell you because of what knowing that she was going to die would do to you . " He looked firmly into my eyes . I could see his fixation , and from that I could tell that he did genuinely care about me . In my mind , I saw myself drowning . I couldn 't keep myself afloat , even though I had people around me trying to pull me out of the water . I was just about to give up and let myself fall beneath the surface , when I felt a hand grab my arm and lift me up . I looked into the eyes of my rescuer . The bright hazel colored eyes that penetrated my soul and brought down every barrier I had built . I looked back into his eyes and felt the pain be washed away . The tears stopped and I regained my composition . I took several deep breaths and calmed myself down . I sat up straight , never looking away from Lucas ' eyes . They made me feel safe . I nodded at him , but remained silent . I didn 't know what to do now . This was the most vulnerable I 've ever felt in my life . For the first time since my mom 's funeral , I cried in front of another person . I knew he felt the tension boiling inside me , so he wrapped his arms around me again to comfort me . I got up and put the movie in and pressed play . I sat back into the chair and he moved back onto his bed . I noticed he kept looking at me as if I were about to shatter into a million pieces . He walked over to his bookshelf , and I noticed his slight limp again . He turned around smiling with the case of October Sky in his hands . I must have had a worried look on my face or something because his smile disappeared and his eyes glazed over a bit . " It 's ok , " he said , " I talked to Jonathan this morning and he told me everything . He seemed so proud of it , so I yelled at him . Then he said , ' It 's not like I raped him or anything , ' and the next thing I knew , my fist flew into his face . I knocked him on the ground and he kicked me in the hip when I leaned in to help him up . " I smiled at him and he smiled back . At that moment , I felt like we were floating in a space of nothingness . There was nothing to worry about except whether or not we were flying or falling . That 's how it was with Lucas . I could be flying or falling , and it would make no difference to me . It was a challenge to be open with him , but at the same time I felt completely safe . We watched the movie in near silence . Apparently we both loved this movie so much that we could nearly recite the script . I swear at one point I saw him mouthing some of the words . But he just blushed and looked away from me . Lucas made me feel different than my other friends did . I didn 't have to worry about what I said or how I said it . I didn 't have to worry about whether or not I stepped on his toes . I didn 't have to worry about anything really . All I had to do was be myself and let him see my vulnerable side every once in a while . * * * It was nearly 11 at night when I got back to my dorm room . Jonathan was sitting at his desk . I could see very clearly where Lucas clocked him . I couldn 't help but smirk a little about it . " Look you little shit , " I said , " I really don 't care if you do drugs . You can OD on the shit for all I care . But if you EVER slip any of my friends any drugs again without them knowing about it , I swear to God I will rip off your balls and shove em down your throat . " " Do you have any idea what I did to people like you at my high school ? " I asked , " Well it would be NOTHING compared to what I would do to you if you came within 5 feet of Henry ever again . Do you understand me ? " He nodded with fear . I released my grip on his shirt and walked away from him . I didn 't hear him move at all , but when I looked back he was opening the door to leave . Wow ! How great to see Aaron being so vulnerable in telling Luke about his mother . Trusting another person so deeply takes a lot of fortitude . Then , along with Luke , being so protective of another friend . A maturity is growing within him and it suits him well . I like that he and Luke are bonding so well . Awesome chapter , ITC . Great work , ITC ! I love how comfortable he 's becoming with Luke . I can really feel this story going somewhere great ! I also enjoyed how both of them stood up for Henry , especially Aaron who only had Luke 's word on the matter . Aw ! THAT is Fantastic ! ! This is a Good story , itc ! THANK YOU ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote Page 1 of 9

Hey guys , so as promised I 've started on a new story . I 've been tweaking it for a couple days now , and I think it 's finally ready for public eyes . I wanna give a quick thanks to everyone who read and supported Graduation . And those who didn 't , well you should go read it : Graduation The clock that hung from the wall ticked loudly through the silence as the pendulum swung from side to side . I had probably been sitting there for 3 minutes without saying a word . What could I say though ? There was nothing on my mind and she seemed stubborn enough to not be the first one to break the silence between us . " Well , it 's really nothing huge . It 's just a bunch of little things . Homework , tests , social ties … stuff like that , " I said . The woman gently uncrossed and re - crossed her legs as she took a sip of her coffee . She stared at me beneath rectangular , black - rimmed glasses as if to signal me to continue . I really didn 't know what to say . I wasn 't even here by my own choice . Stupid school requirements were forcing me to come here . Apparently , when one student kills themselves , every other student must be suicidal as well . " I don 't know . I try to remind myself that I 'm actually doing pretty well in life . I think about that girl Rachel , the one who shot herself , and I just think about how messed up things must have been for her , " I said . " Not really , no . I mean , I didn 't actually know her so her death doesn 't make me sad . But I feel compassion for the people that cared about her . I 've seen them around and they look pretty fucked up , " I said . " It 's fine . No one is going to get mad at you here . I can have a fucking dirty mouth too sometimes , " she said with a smile . I smiled back at her , but it was just a courtesy smile . I really didn 't think I belonged here . On the outside , I was just a normal college student trying his best to do well in life . On the inside , I didn 't really care about much . All over , I was just your typical everyday teenager who just wanted to fit in and be accepted . " She 's great . We 've been friends since Junior High . She brings out the best kind of person in me . When I 'm around her , I just feel so free it 's as if I could be anyone I wanted to be , " I said . " There 's Carly 's boyfriend , Mike . He 's an ok guy . I wouldn 't consider him one of my best friends , but it 's important to Carly that I like him , so I do , " I said . " Well Aaron , from what I 've gathered there is no need for you to be in therapy . You are perfectly normal in every visual way . I 'll write up a dismissal form for you to turn in at the administrator 's office on campus … unless you want to tell me something else ? " she asked . We sat down at one of the picnic tables that were scattered around the campus . Carly dug right into her food but I just sat there playing with mine with my fork . The fork got stuck and I ended up flicking an olive into the air . I eyed her expression up and down . I was trying to tell if she was pulling my leg or if she was honestly suggesting this . She noticed me studying her face and stared back at me with a raised eyebrow . " Quite possibly , but more importantly I 'm actually serious . You 're so bitter and sarcastic all the time . You never actually talk about what 's bothering you , " she said . After Carly took off to her Philosophy class , I decided to walk around campus . My thought train was on several different tracks as it always was . The first track stayed focused on what I would talk about with the counselor . Would she ask me questions again , or would I have to come up with stuff on my own ? What if I couldn 't think of anything to say ? Did it really matter ? I shook my head at the thought . It didn 't matter at all because it wasn 't necessary . It 's not like there 's anything wrong with me . What 's a psychiatrist going to tell me that I don 't already know ? Whatever , it was for Carly anyway . As long as she was content with me then I was happy . She has no need to worry about me , and this was the only way to prove it to her . My second track was thinking about Rachel . Not about her death , but who she really was . I tried to come up with a picture of what her life was like before she killed herself . The news report said her brother and three of her friends were there when she did it . They said she tried to kill one of them , but her brother stopped her . It made me think that her brother was really close to her and meant a lot to her . But why would she kill herself instead of get help ? Did she really not want to live anymore or did she feel so ashamed about what she did that her brother wouldn 't love her anymore ? It was a sad thought , but I figured anyone who is desperate enough to kill themselves if it meant the pain would stop then she was beyond help . It was a sad thought sure , but it didn 't make me sad . Her brother must have had it rough though . If I had a brother or a sister , then I would probably be able to imagine what he felt . But I didn 't , so I didn 't care very much . My third track was about all the new people moving into the dorms after what happened . There were so few people living in the dorms before that I was able to live alone , but now I was being assigned a roommate . Joy . Another person that I have to socialize with every day , just what I wanted . I finally jumped off my thought train and looked at my watch realizing that it was 1 : 30 already . I decided to head back to the dorm and wait for my new roommate . When I walked past the main Administrator 's Office , I turned the corner sharply and accidentally bumped into someone . I hit my head against theirs and fell down on my ass . He lowered his hand towards me to lift me up . I rubbed my head with my left hand as I took his extended arm with my right . He pulled me up and steadied me . As my vision refocused I was able to see his face . He had a pair of bright green eyes fixated on me while I regained my balance . I took a step forward and wobbled a little . He grabbed my shoulder and laughed a little . Once I got my balance back I laughed a little as well and shook my head . " You want me to walk with you and make sure you don 't pass out ? " he asked flashing me his bright smile . We walked across the campus together , every now and then I would stumble a little and he caught me before I tripped over myself . Each time I did it he let out a chuckle . I probably looked like a complete idiot . We were about halfway across the campus when he started talking to me randomly . I looked up at him and admired him a little . I wasn 't a very creative person , and I respected those that were . I couldn 't draw anything to save my life , but I like looking at the work of those that could . He looked at me as we stopped outside of the north dorm building . His bright hazel eyes glimmered in the light from the sun . I studied them as discretely as I could and noticed that there was a hint of gold around the edges . He smiled and revealed a set of bright white teeth that would make a dentist jealous . I didn 't know what he was smiling at , so I raised an eyebrow at him . As he walked away , I tried to study what made him tick , and what made those thoughts slip out of my mind . Even with Carly , I kept all of my sarcasm in my head so I didn 't offend her at all . There was something different about Luke that I couldn 't quite put my finger on . He was like a book full of analogies and metaphors that made my brain itch . He was confusing and yet , I felt like I understood him at the same time . The only thing I didn 't understand was that bizarre question and answer session while we were walking . Did he honestly care if I was ok even though he just met me ? That had to be it ; and that officially made him tomorrow 's problem . Today 's problem was probably already upstairs unpacking it 's shit , and I had to go meet it and make nice with it for the rest of the semester . He was probably some weak little brainiac that was so afraid of the world that he had to move in with the big boys . It 's just what I needed this semester ; to be some pathetic genius ' bodyguard . I flopped down on my bed and closed my eyes for a moment . My thoughts instantly drifted to Lucas … I mean Luke . What was his deal ? No one could be that nice to someone they just met . Fuck , now I was obsessing . I opened my eyes and rubbed the spot on my forehead where his head hit mine . Just then the door popped open and my new roommate stepped inside , followed closely by that awkward moment . I think I 'm going to like this story ! Off to a really great start . I think I have a feeling who Aaron 's new roommate is going to be BTW , I LOVED Graduation ! ! ! You have such compelling storylines and I have a feeling I won 't be disappointed with this one either . Can 't wait for more ! ! already I have noticed some parallels ! rachel killed herself in " Graduation " and also had a brother who was concerned - - same here . I 'm guessing lucas / luke is the love interest ? he has sparking green eyes ( and a killer smile ) , just like Cameron . Reply With Quote July 18th , 2009 , 10 : 56 PM Hmmm ! Haven 't read " Graduation " . . . yet ! . . . but , I 'm liking this one . . . a LOT ! PLEASE keep up the great work ! I 'm definitely looking forward to reading more of YOU ! Very interesting perspective ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote July 19th , 2009 , 01 : 16 AM How great to sign on today and see one of my favorite authors had started a new story . I like the approach this one has and as ASDF pointed out , there are the parallels with " Graduation . " Who would have thought that a tragic event such as Rachael killing herself would have such a wide effect on someone that didn 't even know her . I can tell this is going to be as brilliant a story as " Graduation " but with an entirely new cast of characters . Looking forward to a long read . already I have noticed some parallels ! rachel killed herself in " Graduation " and also had a brother who was concerned - - same here . I 'm guessing lucas / luke is the love interest ? he has sparking green eyes ( and a killer smile ) , just like Cameron . Oops looks like I overlooked something while I was editing . His eyes were supposed to be Hazel . I guess I just missed that one And I 'm glad you guys like it so far . I 'm gonna start chapter two today and hopefully be finished soon . Thanks for the support guys ! Great start ! I really enjoyed " Graduation " , I think I 'll like this story too . Looking forward to chapter 2 already ! Reply With Quote July 23rd , 2009 , 05 : 34 AM ITC this is a great beginning . Looking forward to more . I know that it will be just as fantastic as Graduation and I think you know by now that that story was the greatest . H & K " He 's ok . He 's kinda quiet though . After he unpacked he just sat at his desk playing games on his computer , " I said . Henry and I were sitting in the Student Hall on campus . The building was amazing . It had a big sitting / study area on the main floor , a library on the second floor , and a bunch of little shops , food places , and even a bowling alley in the underground area . I sat on my favorite couch in the room and Henry sat in the armchair sitting adjacent to me . I turned around and looked at the doors behind me . Jonathan was standing there looking awkwardly into the crowd for a place to sit down . I couldn 't help but feel sorry for him . He honestly looked like a guy who just needed a friend . He turned his head and saw me staring at him , so I gave a kind of half wave at him . He looked away instantly and walked towards the stairs . Jonathan stopped dead in his tracks . He looked over at us and saw Henry waving him over to our area . I could see his hesitation and smell his fear from where I was sitting . I nodded at him when he turned his dark brown eyes to me . After a moment of awkward pause , he shifted his feet and walked slowly over to us . I found myself hating him a little bit . Not because he was so awkward , but because he didn 't seem to even want a social life . It was as if he was battling with himself on the inside , and I couldn 't tell if he was winning or losing . He was very difficult to read and for that , I couldn 't help but hate him . No one has been able to hide themselves from me for very long , but this kid was actually giving me a challenge . As he sat down on the opposite end of the couch I was sitting on , there was an awkward moment of silence between us . I gave a quick stink eye at him when he sat on my couch , but hid it before he or Henry could see it . I turned my attention to my laptop which had the website , Fmylife open . Henry noticed my shift in focus and started talking to Jonathan . Tuning out their conversation , I retreated into my thoughts . I nodded at appropriate times and feigned interest like I always did . To be honest , the conversations about this Rachel girl were getting repetitive . Someone who had minimal interaction with her would find someone else who had even less interaction with her and express what a " shock " it was when it happened . I was a little surprised when my thoughts crossed over the pain in my forehead , and suddenly all I could think of was Lucas . He perplexed me . He seemed to genuinely care about my wellbeing , but yet he didn 't ask for my number or ask to walk me up to my room or whatever . I concluded on the thought that he really didn 't care , and that he was just making sure I didn 't want to sue him or anything . My thoughts were interrupted by Henry 's voice . * * * Walking into the club , I heard the sounds of my favorite band , Paramore . Carly immediately began dancing to the tune of Crushcrushcrush as we were walking down the stairs to the main floor of the club . She flung her dark brown hair around in sync with the beat of the song and she pulled Mike out to the dance floor . Henry and I sat at the bar and saw Jonathan walking down the stairs . He was closely followed by Lucas and his eyes magnetically stuck to mine from across the room . I saw a smile creep across his face . He and Jonathan made their way over to the bar , but our eyes never separated . His were full of amusement , while mine were filled with annoyance . I gave him a glare and he burst into laughter . Jonathan and Henry broke off and started chatting while Lucas and I had a couple drinks . Lucas and I just sat at the bar talking about the music they were playing . I sat there stunned for a moment . No way were he and I in the same place at the same time worshiping the same band . I must have been staring for a few minutes because he broke me out of my trance by waving his hand in my face . We sat there as the final line of a song neither of us was paying attention to finished . Eagerly awaiting the next song to play , I looked around and noticed that everyone else was gone . The DJ shut off the sound system and the bartender told us they were closing in a few minutes . We stared at each other with wide eyes and disbelief . He got off his stool and motioned towards the staircase . I wiped my hands on my jeans and walked past him up the stairs . The cool , crisp air outside felt refreshing after being inside for God knows how long . I stretched a bit as Lucas emerged out of the stairway and chuckled at me . He smiled at me and I smiled back . It was then that I realized that I was doing exactly what I didn 't want to do . Acting on instinct , my mind took over and I broke this moment between us . I tried desperately to think of a rational excuse to keep from walking back with him , but failed miserably . I just nodded and walked beside him , not saying a word the whole mile and a half to the dorm . He tried to talk to me , but I made it very clear that I was " too tired to think " so he gave up after the third avoided question . We walked up the stairs of the dorm building and stood outside my room for a moment . Lucas burst into laughter that carried across the courtyard . We walked into the other dorm building and up the stairs to the third floor where Lucas ' room was . This building was much younger and nicer than the one I was living in . We walked into the room and my jaw nearly fell off when I saw the interior . It was at least twice as big as my room , and he didn 't even have a roommate . I went into the bathroom to take a piss and change and I came out to see him already under his covers . I walked softly over to the bed and sat down on it . As usual , I went over the day 's events in my head as a way of cataloguing any significance in any moment . I stopped at the brief moment between Lucas and I outside the club and couldn 't decide if that was significant . Without thinking , I blurted out a question to Lucas . I turned over and lay down on the bed . I stared at the ceiling and kept thinking about that exchange of smiles . As much as I disliked the idea , I had found a new friend in Lucas Harper . That wasn 't what was bothering me though . The issue I was bumping up against was whether or not I would drive him away . He was so different from the people I was friends with . Carly and Henry were just as closed of as I was … I mean am . But Lucas has a warming quality that I was afraid of breaking . I turned over , facing away from Lucas , and started drifting off to sleep . I could hear him lightly snoring from his bed behind me , and for the first time in a while , I let out a genuine laugh . It wasn 't forced or fake . And that 's when I realized that I actually liked Lucas . I was friends with Henry because we were in the same social group and had similar taste in music . I was friends with Carly because we 've been together nearly since birth . And right now , I couldn 't really tell if I actually liked either of them . THANK YOU ! , itc ! Excellent ! Been waiting for this 2nd chapter , and , in the mean time , read " Graduation " ! Now I understand the " tie in " here . Fantastic ! ! I 'm truly enjoying your writing style ! And , especially appreciate your including Aaron 's " inner conversation " with himself . Definitely looking forward to more ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote August 10th , 2009 , 11 : 44 AM Happy to see an addition to the story . I am certain Aaron and Lucas are going to be very good friends . . . . . . . . . . . . hopefully more . Like Littletosay , I wonder if Henry and Jonathan are getting to know each other . . . lol Great chapter ITC ! I felt the vibrations of my phone beneath my pillow . It was just loud enough to wake me , but not enough to stir Lucas out of his sleep . I slowly and quietly changed clothes and left his room . The sun was barely coming up and all I could think of was how much I missed my mother . I clutched the locket that hid beneath my shirt as my breathing became heavy with grief . I looked away from the sunrise and just walked around for a little while . I felt bad for leaving Lucas like that , but it was pointless for me to let myself get close to someone else . I listened to the voice in my head telling me that I had enough . Any more than what I already have would just make things harder . I would have just left it at that , but then I heard a voice I hadn 't heard in a long time . There was a name I hadn 't thought of in years . He was a lot like Lucas , or at least what I 've witnessed from Lucas so far . We complemented each other like cheese and macaroni . Everyone thought we were twins because between the two of us , we knew everything . We were like two halves of an apple . At least , until his dad 's company relocated his family to a small town three states away . That was about two years before I met Henry . If it weren 't for Carly I wouldn 't have even had Henry . But life has been hard enough since then , I don 't need someone else who I am certain will cause me pain one day . The argument in my mind subsided as I once again listened to my negativity and decided that Lucas was too good for me to even try to be his friend . I passed through the doors of my dorm building and saw Henry laying on one of the couches in the lounge . He looked totally smashed from last night . I walked up to him and flicked his ear . When I got him up to his dorm room , I went back downstairs to mine to see if Jonathan was still there . I looked at my watch and it was now 7 : 30 a . m . I poked my head into the room and saw that no one was inside . It reeked of sex so I grabbed the air freshener and just blasted it around the room . I sat on my bed and dropped my head into my hands for a moment . I actually didn 't know Henry as well as I thought . He could have done it himself , but I didn 't want to believe it . I especially didn 't want to because it was our usually breakfast day . It was the only morning the three of us had off at the same time , so we went to the local IHOP and caught up with the week 's events . I shoved my sausages into my mouth and listened to Carly drone on about her and Mike . I honestly couldn 't care less , but as usual I feigned interest and kept any conflict to a minimum . At any second I expected my thoughts to drift away from Carly incessant yammering . And there it was . I forgot my wallet . I don 't even remember where I put it . I felt around all my pockets and nothing . Thankfully it was Carly 's day to pay so I didn 't have to worry as much . * * * I sat down in my chair near the door and planted my face in my arms . I absolutely hated this class . Well , more the professor than the class . He and I were total opposites and we viewed the world completely differently . We constantly argued about the " meaning " of everything since I just believe that the world is in constant chaos and things just happen . We never agreed on anything and being the asshole I am , I always had to argue my point until both of us gave up , or he kicked me out of the class . He walked away towards the back of the room . I saw him sit down in the back row and felt a rush of guilt overwhelm me . I got up and went to sit next to him . " I just assigned a report . You partner up with someone you don 't know or barely know and study them . Then you write a full report about why you think they are the way they are , " he said . I looked at Lucas and he looked back at me . A smile began to penetrate the stern look on his face that he was holding for so long , but he quickly stopped it . I held up my hand to ask a question and Robbins took a deep breath . I smiled when he turned away . I don 't know what made me feel better , freaking out the entire class , or having an academic reason to be friends with Lucas . I turned to Lucas with the smile still on my face and saw the shock on his . He stared at me in disbelief as I chuckled at everyone 's confusion . When class was dismissed , Lucas and I walked towards the parking lot together . There was silence between us that I wanted him to be the one to break . I wanted to think of something to say , but my mind was running on empty . " I 'm sorry , I really can 't . I promised Carly I 'd go see that counselor again . I have to go around 6 : 30 . " I said . I was . The first genuine smile on my face in two years , and Lucas was causing it . I had no idea what that actually meant . I just knew that I wanted to be around Lucas as much as I possibly could . We sat down at one of the tables outside . The light breeze swept through the little junction of stores . Lucas jumped face first into his sandwich while I slowly picked at my pasta . " Ok , " I said pulling the small locket out from under my shirt collar , " This locket belonged to my mother . She bought it one day when we went to Sea World . She always loved dolphins and when she saw this … she said it was the third time in her life that she was absolutely certain about something she wanted . " " I found it one day shortly before I left for school , and I put a picture of her in it . I wear it everyday to remind myself that what I 'm doing is important for me . No matter how far away I am , when I 'm wearing this locket I feel like I 'm right where I belong . " " Alright well , when I was a kid I always wanted to have a dog . My neighbor had a Doberman puppy and I was absolutely in love with it . But my dad was crazy allergic to dog hair , so we couldn 't have one , " he said . " Yeah … so anyway , when I was like 8 or 9 , my dad had a business trip up in Lake Tahoe , so my parents decided to just make it into a family vacation since it was during the summer . My mom and I were walking down a little junction of stores and I walked by this toy store . I looked in the window and saw this little Doberman Beanie Baby , " he said . " I know , I know , guys and Beanie Babies just don 't really mix , but I was just a kid . I begged my mom for like 20 minutes to buy it for me until she was finally convinced that it would keep me from begging for a real dog . As soon as I got it in my arms , I was never apart from it . I loved that dog so much , " he said . I looked at Lucas completely differently . The compassion and kindness that he had wasn 't something he did voluntarily . From his story , I could tell that it was just natural for him . I smiled back at him and nodded . At that moment , it was like everything slowed down . I looked into his bright hazel eyes and saw the vulnerability . I wasn 't looking at his vulnerability , but I could see myself in the reflection of his eyes . I was looking at mine . I had never told anyone about the locket I held with me everyday . I never reached that level of connection with anyone . And yet , here I sat with a near stranger , and I just spilled information about one of my greatest possessions without much provocation from him . It was like that deal between us established a trust that would take most people years to build . We instantly had a " You give , I give " connection . It felt amazing not only to trust someone so easily , but also to be trusted by that person with the same level of ease . I felt different , almost refreshed . I could feel the changes happening inside me . The warmth I locked away so many years ago was bubbling to the surface and pushing out the cold , logical , and emotionless version of me . That was an amazing chapter . I 'm really feeling for Luke and Aaron now . Hopefully they 'll get to be better friends . . . if Aaron 's head doesn 't do him in . What a great story - so well written ! I love the way you let us in to AAron 's inner voices . . . and I could feel the connection happening - blossoming ! I am an incurable romantic - I am loving this ! ! ! Hugs ! Reply With Quote August 15th , 2009 , 09 : 00 PM That was a wonderfully warm and touching chapter . Trust like that does not come easily . I have a feeling Aaron is going to be a little more reasonable with the counselor . He has something important to relay this time . Luke has that inner connection that anyone would be happy to share . Obviously he has some of the same concerns regarding friendships that Aaron has . I like the way things are going in this story . Eager to read the next chapter . Hey guys , so this chapter is a bit shorter but I wanted to get this part out of the way as soon as possible . I think I 've allowed you all get a better feel for Aaron in this chapter and I 'm going to bring in a few subtle hints and a few not so subtle hints with the next few chapters . Enjoy Wings of A Butterfly Veronica looked at me through her black rimmed glasses as I sat in the chair across from her . I subtly looked around the room to try and get a read on her in case I needed some ammo . She offered me a glass of tea , which I reluctantly accepted . Veronica examined me for a moment , as if to check for subtle hints that could actually lead her somewhere . She picked up her cup and sipped at her tea with her eyes closed . When she opened her eyes it was like a fire had been lit in her soul . She held more energy in them , as if she found something she could use . " I believe you agreed because you value your relationship with Carly , but you 're afraid of feeling vulnerable with another human being . So you fight them every step of the way , but you still end up doing things for them . You do it so you appear to care about them , but to also tell them that you wish you didn 't , " she said . " You think you know me after talking to me twice ? Well let me tell you something , you don 't know a thing about me . So you can sit up here in your little room with all your credentials hanging up on the wall and listen to other people complain about their problems . But me , I 'm going out there . I 'm going to do something that actually matters to the world . So you can take your assumptions about me and shove them up your ass because you have no idea why I am the way that I am . " I bolted out of my seat and stormed over towards the door . She was up and at the door faster than I could reach it . She held her hand against the door as I was trying to open it and storm out of the room . She looked calmly into my eyes and somehow forced the rage that was boiling under my skin to subside . She slowly walked back to her seat . As she sat down she motioned toward the chair for me to sit back down . I turned to face her and crossed my arms . " Before you can face whatever makes you afraid of connecting with other people , you need to tell at least one person what it is , " she said , " It doesn 't have to be me , it can be anyone . But until you tell someone , you 'll always be afraid of it . You 'll keep pushing people out of your life just as you 're about to get close to them . " Defeated , I walked back over to the chair across from her . I stared directly into her dark blue eyes . There was no anger or judgment in them . There was no hostility or restraint in mine either . I couldn 't see it , but I definitely felt it . " Aaron , there is no need for an apology . What you did was a classic outburst . In a way , it made it easier to see who you really are underneath this façade you portray , " she said . She looked up at me with confusion on her face . Her lips pursed and her brow wrinkled with intense thought . I noticed her right hand start flipping her pen around her fingers , something that my Psych professor said people do when they are working something over in their mind . She paused for a second . She put down her sandwich and kept her eyes low . She placed her arms on the table across her chest . Her eyes slowly looked up into mine and examined me for a moment . " Aaron , you haven 't been involved with any girl that I know of since I met you . You haven 't given any reason to believe that you 're straight . You 've never even stated whether you were straight or not . So yeah , I can believe that she may have thought so . " I grabbed my things and walked away . The wind was blowing gently , so I decided to follow it and see where it took me . I really didn 't care . It was Friday afternoon , and two days since I last saw Lucas . Me , being the idiot that I am , forgot to get his number . And both times I knocked on his door were not answered . I was walking by the Science and Health Studies building when a door opened and nearly hit me in the face . A crowd of students flew out the door and poured into the courtyard . Politely , I held the door open and waited for every last one of them to leave the room . The last person to leave was the last person I expected it to be . I rolled my eyes and pushed his shoulder . I didn 't even know where we were walking to , but we ended up at the east parking lot . I looked around for a moment in silence while standing next to Lucas waiting for the crosswalk to turn . He smiled and walked across the street with his golden hair being brushed by the light wind . As he walked away , I noticed he was slightly limping . I pushed it into the back of my mind for now and walked off towards the corner store with a small grin on my face . Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote August 17th , 2009 , 09 : 50 AM That was a very thought provoking chapter . It 's obvious Aaron can 't always stay on his sarcastic path . The counselor broke through and Luke has as well . He 's really not a bad ass after all . Now he has to come to terms with his sexuality and I hope Luke will begin that journey with him soon . Thanks for the update and looking for the next . Thanks for the speedy update . . . if only I could crank out quality work that quickly haha . I 'm VERY excited for the next chapter and to find out what this limp was all about . More more more ! ! ! Irish I knocked on his door three times , each knock slightly lower on the door than the other . I never noticed that I did it until now . Something about Lucas made me more aware of anything I did . Even my little weird things like my knock . The pizza in my left hand was starting to make my palm sweat , or at least that 's what I convinced myself was making it sweat . He opened the door and smiled at me . I opened the box and we each grabbed a slice . I sat back down in his chair and he flopped down on his bed and ate the slice in seconds . I laughed at him and he smiled awkwardly at me . A moment of silence passed between us as we ate . His eyes were glued to the ground and I could tell he was thinking of something that he wasn 't sure about saying . After I finished my slice , I took a deep breath . " Well it got me thinking , " he said , " And I thought about it all day . I 'm not trying to pry you for information or anything , but if you want we could make another deal . You tell me something , I 'll tell you something . " Lucas sat up and sat on the edge of his bed . He stared into my eyes and somehow , I felt a little better . The pain in my chest went away and I was able to hold the tears back a little better than before . " I came home from school one day and found her unconscious in the kitchen . I called 911 but it was too late . I found my mother dead that day . " " She worked so hard for me . She worked so hard to give me a good life … " I said , " But she never thought about what would happen to me if she was gone . " That did it . The tears pushed themselves out of my eyes and I fell forward into myself . Lucas stood up and kneeled down in front of me and caught me before I collapsed . He held me and I cried on his shoulder . " Aaron , that 's ok , " he said . He pulled me away from him and looked directly into my eyes . He placed both hands firmly , but gently , on my shoulders . " She obviously didn 't want you to know until it happened , " he said , " She was probably so scared about leaving you . She probably didn 't want you to have to live every single day in fear , and then have grief on top of that feeling after she died . It 's not wrong for you to be angry , but she probably didn 't tell you because of what knowing that she was going to die would do to you . " He looked firmly into my eyes . I could see his fixation , and from that I could tell that he did genuinely care about me . In my mind , I saw myself drowning . I couldn 't keep myself afloat , even though I had people around me trying to pull me out of the water . I was just about to give up and let myself fall beneath the surface , when I felt a hand grab my arm and lift me up . I looked into the eyes of my rescuer . The bright hazel colored eyes that penetrated my soul and brought down every barrier I had built . I looked back into his eyes and felt the pain be washed away . The tears stopped and I regained my composition . I took several deep breaths and calmed myself down . I sat up straight , never looking away from Lucas ' eyes . They made me feel safe . I nodded at him , but remained silent . I didn 't know what to do now . This was the most vulnerable I 've ever felt in my life . For the first time since my mom 's funeral , I cried in front of another person . I knew he felt the tension boiling inside me , so he wrapped his arms around me again to comfort me . I got up and put the movie in and pressed play . I sat back into the chair and he moved back onto his bed . I noticed he kept looking at me as if I were about to shatter into a million pieces . He walked over to his bookshelf , and I noticed his slight limp again . He turned around smiling with the case of October Sky in his hands . I must have had a worried look on my face or something because his smile disappeared and his eyes glazed over a bit . " It 's ok , " he said , " I talked to Jonathan this morning and he told me everything . He seemed so proud of it , so I yelled at him . Then he said , ' It 's not like I raped him or anything , ' and the next thing I knew , my fist flew into his face . I knocked him on the ground and he kicked me in the hip when I leaned in to help him up . " I smiled at him and he smiled back . At that moment , I felt like we were floating in a space of nothingness . There was nothing to worry about except whether or not we were flying or falling . That 's how it was with Lucas . I could be flying or falling , and it would make no difference to me . It was a challenge to be open with him , but at the same time I felt completely safe . We watched the movie in near silence . Apparently we both loved this movie so much that we could nearly recite the script . I swear at one point I saw him mouthing some of the words . But he just blushed and looked away from me . Lucas made me feel different than my other friends did . I didn 't have to worry about what I said or how I said it . I didn 't have to worry about whether or not I stepped on his toes . I didn 't have to worry about anything really . All I had to do was be myself and let him see my vulnerable side every once in a while . * * * It was nearly 11 at night when I got back to my dorm room . Jonathan was sitting at his desk . I could see very clearly where Lucas clocked him . I couldn 't help but smirk a little about it . " Look you little shit , " I said , " I really don 't care if you do drugs . You can OD on the shit for all I care . But if you EVER slip any of my friends any drugs again without them knowing about it , I swear to God I will rip off your balls and shove em down your throat . " " Do you have any idea what I did to people like you at my high school ? " I asked , " Well it would be NOTHING compared to what I would do to you if you came within 5 feet of Henry ever again . Do you understand me ? " He nodded with fear . I released my grip on his shirt and walked away from him . I didn 't hear him move at all , but when I looked back he was opening the door to leave . Wow ! How great to see Aaron being so vulnerable in telling Luke about his mother . Trusting another person so deeply takes a lot of fortitude . Then , along with Luke , being so protective of another friend . A maturity is growing within him and it suits him well . I like that he and Luke are bonding so well . Awesome chapter , ITC . Great work , ITC ! I love how comfortable he 's becoming with Luke . I can really feel this story going somewhere great ! I also enjoyed how both of them stood up for Henry , especially Aaron who only had Luke 's word on the matter . Aw ! THAT is Fantastic ! ! This is a Good story , itc ! THANK YOU ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote Page 1 of 9

Hey guys , so as promised I 've started on a new story . I 've been tweaking it for a couple days now , and I think it 's finally ready for public eyes . I wanna give a quick thanks to everyone who read and supported Graduation . And those who didn 't , well you should go read it : Graduation The clock that hung from the wall ticked loudly through the silence as the pendulum swung from side to side . I had probably been sitting there for 3 minutes without saying a word . What could I say though ? There was nothing on my mind and she seemed stubborn enough to not be the first one to break the silence between us . " Well , it 's really nothing huge . It 's just a bunch of little things . Homework , tests , social ties … stuff like that , " I said . The woman gently uncrossed and re - crossed her legs as she took a sip of her coffee . She stared at me beneath rectangular , black - rimmed glasses as if to signal me to continue . I really didn 't know what to say . I wasn 't even here by my own choice . Stupid school requirements were forcing me to come here . Apparently , when one student kills themselves , every other student must be suicidal as well . " I don 't know . I try to remind myself that I 'm actually doing pretty well in life . I think about that girl Rachel , the one who shot herself , and I just think about how messed up things must have been for her , " I said . " Not really , no . I mean , I didn 't actually know her so her death doesn 't make me sad . But I feel compassion for the people that cared about her . I 've seen them around and they look pretty fucked up , " I said . " It 's fine . No one is going to get mad at you here . I can have a fucking dirty mouth too sometimes , " she said with a smile . I smiled back at her , but it was just a courtesy smile . I really didn 't think I belonged here . On the outside , I was just a normal college student trying his best to do well in life . On the inside , I didn 't really care about much . All over , I was just your typical everyday teenager who just wanted to fit in and be accepted . " She 's great . We 've been friends since Junior High . She brings out the best kind of person in me . When I 'm around her , I just feel so free it 's as if I could be anyone I wanted to be , " I said . " There 's Carly 's boyfriend , Mike . He 's an ok guy . I wouldn 't consider him one of my best friends , but it 's important to Carly that I like him , so I do , " I said . " Well Aaron , from what I 've gathered there is no need for you to be in therapy . You are perfectly normal in every visual way . I 'll write up a dismissal form for you to turn in at the administrator 's office on campus … unless you want to tell me something else ? " she asked . We sat down at one of the picnic tables that were scattered around the campus . Carly dug right into her food but I just sat there playing with mine with my fork . The fork got stuck and I ended up flicking an olive into the air . I eyed her expression up and down . I was trying to tell if she was pulling my leg or if she was honestly suggesting this . She noticed me studying her face and stared back at me with a raised eyebrow . " Quite possibly , but more importantly I 'm actually serious . You 're so bitter and sarcastic all the time . You never actually talk about what 's bothering you , " she said . After Carly took off to her Philosophy class , I decided to walk around campus . My thought train was on several different tracks as it always was . The first track stayed focused on what I would talk about with the counselor . Would she ask me questions again , or would I have to come up with stuff on my own ? What if I couldn 't think of anything to say ? Did it really matter ? I shook my head at the thought . It didn 't matter at all because it wasn 't necessary . It 's not like there 's anything wrong with me . What 's a psychiatrist going to tell me that I don 't already know ? Whatever , it was for Carly anyway . As long as she was content with me then I was happy . She has no need to worry about me , and this was the only way to prove it to her . My second track was thinking about Rachel . Not about her death , but who she really was . I tried to come up with a picture of what her life was like before she killed herself . The news report said her brother and three of her friends were there when she did it . They said she tried to kill one of them , but her brother stopped her . It made me think that her brother was really close to her and meant a lot to her . But why would she kill herself instead of get help ? Did she really not want to live anymore or did she feel so ashamed about what she did that her brother wouldn 't love her anymore ? It was a sad thought , but I figured anyone who is desperate enough to kill themselves if it meant the pain would stop then she was beyond help . It was a sad thought sure , but it didn 't make me sad . Her brother must have had it rough though . If I had a brother or a sister , then I would probably be able to imagine what he felt . But I didn 't , so I didn 't care very much . My third track was about all the new people moving into the dorms after what happened . There were so few people living in the dorms before that I was able to live alone , but now I was being assigned a roommate . Joy . Another person that I have to socialize with every day , just what I wanted . I finally jumped off my thought train and looked at my watch realizing that it was 1 : 30 already . I decided to head back to the dorm and wait for my new roommate . When I walked past the main Administrator 's Office , I turned the corner sharply and accidentally bumped into someone . I hit my head against theirs and fell down on my ass . He lowered his hand towards me to lift me up . I rubbed my head with my left hand as I took his extended arm with my right . He pulled me up and steadied me . As my vision refocused I was able to see his face . He had a pair of bright green eyes fixated on me while I regained my balance . I took a step forward and wobbled a little . He grabbed my shoulder and laughed a little . Once I got my balance back I laughed a little as well and shook my head . " You want me to walk with you and make sure you don 't pass out ? " he asked flashing me his bright smile . We walked across the campus together , every now and then I would stumble a little and he caught me before I tripped over myself . Each time I did it he let out a chuckle . I probably looked like a complete idiot . We were about halfway across the campus when he started talking to me randomly . I looked up at him and admired him a little . I wasn 't a very creative person , and I respected those that were . I couldn 't draw anything to save my life , but I like looking at the work of those that could . He looked at me as we stopped outside of the north dorm building . His bright hazel eyes glimmered in the light from the sun . I studied them as discretely as I could and noticed that there was a hint of gold around the edges . He smiled and revealed a set of bright white teeth that would make a dentist jealous . I didn 't know what he was smiling at , so I raised an eyebrow at him . As he walked away , I tried to study what made him tick , and what made those thoughts slip out of my mind . Even with Carly , I kept all of my sarcasm in my head so I didn 't offend her at all . There was something different about Luke that I couldn 't quite put my finger on . He was like a book full of analogies and metaphors that made my brain itch . He was confusing and yet , I felt like I understood him at the same time . The only thing I didn 't understand was that bizarre question and answer session while we were walking . Did he honestly care if I was ok even though he just met me ? That had to be it ; and that officially made him tomorrow 's problem . Today 's problem was probably already upstairs unpacking it 's shit , and I had to go meet it and make nice with it for the rest of the semester . He was probably some weak little brainiac that was so afraid of the world that he had to move in with the big boys . It 's just what I needed this semester ; to be some pathetic genius ' bodyguard . I flopped down on my bed and closed my eyes for a moment . My thoughts instantly drifted to Lucas … I mean Luke . What was his deal ? No one could be that nice to someone they just met . Fuck , now I was obsessing . I opened my eyes and rubbed the spot on my forehead where his head hit mine . Just then the door popped open and my new roommate stepped inside , followed closely by that awkward moment . I think I 'm going to like this story ! Off to a really great start . I think I have a feeling who Aaron 's new roommate is going to be BTW , I LOVED Graduation ! ! ! You have such compelling storylines and I have a feeling I won 't be disappointed with this one either . Can 't wait for more ! ! already I have noticed some parallels ! rachel killed herself in " Graduation " and also had a brother who was concerned - - same here . I 'm guessing lucas / luke is the love interest ? he has sparking green eyes ( and a killer smile ) , just like Cameron . Reply With Quote July 18th , 2009 , 10 : 56 PM Hmmm ! Haven 't read " Graduation " . . . yet ! . . . but , I 'm liking this one . . . a LOT ! PLEASE keep up the great work ! I 'm definitely looking forward to reading more of YOU ! Very interesting perspective ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote July 19th , 2009 , 01 : 16 AM How great to sign on today and see one of my favorite authors had started a new story . I like the approach this one has and as ASDF pointed out , there are the parallels with " Graduation . " Who would have thought that a tragic event such as Rachael killing herself would have such a wide effect on someone that didn 't even know her . I can tell this is going to be as brilliant a story as " Graduation " but with an entirely new cast of characters . Looking forward to a long read . already I have noticed some parallels ! rachel killed herself in " Graduation " and also had a brother who was concerned - - same here . I 'm guessing lucas / luke is the love interest ? he has sparking green eyes ( and a killer smile ) , just like Cameron . Oops looks like I overlooked something while I was editing . His eyes were supposed to be Hazel . I guess I just missed that one And I 'm glad you guys like it so far . I 'm gonna start chapter two today and hopefully be finished soon . Thanks for the support guys ! Great start ! I really enjoyed " Graduation " , I think I 'll like this story too . Looking forward to chapter 2 already ! Reply With Quote July 23rd , 2009 , 05 : 34 AM ITC this is a great beginning . Looking forward to more . I know that it will be just as fantastic as Graduation and I think you know by now that that story was the greatest . H & K " He 's ok . He 's kinda quiet though . After he unpacked he just sat at his desk playing games on his computer , " I said . Henry and I were sitting in the Student Hall on campus . The building was amazing . It had a big sitting / study area on the main floor , a library on the second floor , and a bunch of little shops , food places , and even a bowling alley in the underground area . I sat on my favorite couch in the room and Henry sat in the armchair sitting adjacent to me . I turned around and looked at the doors behind me . Jonathan was standing there looking awkwardly into the crowd for a place to sit down . I couldn 't help but feel sorry for him . He honestly looked like a guy who just needed a friend . He turned his head and saw me staring at him , so I gave a kind of half wave at him . He looked away instantly and walked towards the stairs . Jonathan stopped dead in his tracks . He looked over at us and saw Henry waving him over to our area . I could see his hesitation and smell his fear from where I was sitting . I nodded at him when he turned his dark brown eyes to me . After a moment of awkward pause , he shifted his feet and walked slowly over to us . I found myself hating him a little bit . Not because he was so awkward , but because he didn 't seem to even want a social life . It was as if he was battling with himself on the inside , and I couldn 't tell if he was winning or losing . He was very difficult to read and for that , I couldn 't help but hate him . No one has been able to hide themselves from me for very long , but this kid was actually giving me a challenge . As he sat down on the opposite end of the couch I was sitting on , there was an awkward moment of silence between us . I gave a quick stink eye at him when he sat on my couch , but hid it before he or Henry could see it . I turned my attention to my laptop which had the website , Fmylife open . Henry noticed my shift in focus and started talking to Jonathan . Tuning out their conversation , I retreated into my thoughts . I nodded at appropriate times and feigned interest like I always did . To be honest , the conversations about this Rachel girl were getting repetitive . Someone who had minimal interaction with her would find someone else who had even less interaction with her and express what a " shock " it was when it happened . I was a little surprised when my thoughts crossed over the pain in my forehead , and suddenly all I could think of was Lucas . He perplexed me . He seemed to genuinely care about my wellbeing , but yet he didn 't ask for my number or ask to walk me up to my room or whatever . I concluded on the thought that he really didn 't care , and that he was just making sure I didn 't want to sue him or anything . My thoughts were interrupted by Henry 's voice . * * * Walking into the club , I heard the sounds of my favorite band , Paramore . Carly immediately began dancing to the tune of Crushcrushcrush as we were walking down the stairs to the main floor of the club . She flung her dark brown hair around in sync with the beat of the song and she pulled Mike out to the dance floor . Henry and I sat at the bar and saw Jonathan walking down the stairs . He was closely followed by Lucas and his eyes magnetically stuck to mine from across the room . I saw a smile creep across his face . He and Jonathan made their way over to the bar , but our eyes never separated . His were full of amusement , while mine were filled with annoyance . I gave him a glare and he burst into laughter . Jonathan and Henry broke off and started chatting while Lucas and I had a couple drinks . Lucas and I just sat at the bar talking about the music they were playing . I sat there stunned for a moment . No way were he and I in the same place at the same time worshiping the same band . I must have been staring for a few minutes because he broke me out of my trance by waving his hand in my face . We sat there as the final line of a song neither of us was paying attention to finished . Eagerly awaiting the next song to play , I looked around and noticed that everyone else was gone . The DJ shut off the sound system and the bartender told us they were closing in a few minutes . We stared at each other with wide eyes and disbelief . He got off his stool and motioned towards the staircase . I wiped my hands on my jeans and walked past him up the stairs . The cool , crisp air outside felt refreshing after being inside for God knows how long . I stretched a bit as Lucas emerged out of the stairway and chuckled at me . He smiled at me and I smiled back . It was then that I realized that I was doing exactly what I didn 't want to do . Acting on instinct , my mind took over and I broke this moment between us . I tried desperately to think of a rational excuse to keep from walking back with him , but failed miserably . I just nodded and walked beside him , not saying a word the whole mile and a half to the dorm . He tried to talk to me , but I made it very clear that I was " too tired to think " so he gave up after the third avoided question . We walked up the stairs of the dorm building and stood outside my room for a moment . Lucas burst into laughter that carried across the courtyard . We walked into the other dorm building and up the stairs to the third floor where Lucas ' room was . This building was much younger and nicer than the one I was living in . We walked into the room and my jaw nearly fell off when I saw the interior . It was at least twice as big as my room , and he didn 't even have a roommate . I went into the bathroom to take a piss and change and I came out to see him already under his covers . I walked softly over to the bed and sat down on it . As usual , I went over the day 's events in my head as a way of cataloguing any significance in any moment . I stopped at the brief moment between Lucas and I outside the club and couldn 't decide if that was significant . Without thinking , I blurted out a question to Lucas . I turned over and lay down on the bed . I stared at the ceiling and kept thinking about that exchange of smiles . As much as I disliked the idea , I had found a new friend in Lucas Harper . That wasn 't what was bothering me though . The issue I was bumping up against was whether or not I would drive him away . He was so different from the people I was friends with . Carly and Henry were just as closed of as I was … I mean am . But Lucas has a warming quality that I was afraid of breaking . I turned over , facing away from Lucas , and started drifting off to sleep . I could hear him lightly snoring from his bed behind me , and for the first time in a while , I let out a genuine laugh . It wasn 't forced or fake . And that 's when I realized that I actually liked Lucas . I was friends with Henry because we were in the same social group and had similar taste in music . I was friends with Carly because we 've been together nearly since birth . And right now , I couldn 't really tell if I actually liked either of them . THANK YOU ! , itc ! Excellent ! Been waiting for this 2nd chapter , and , in the mean time , read " Graduation " ! Now I understand the " tie in " here . Fantastic ! ! I 'm truly enjoying your writing style ! And , especially appreciate your including Aaron 's " inner conversation " with himself . Definitely looking forward to more ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote August 10th , 2009 , 11 : 44 AM Happy to see an addition to the story . I am certain Aaron and Lucas are going to be very good friends . . . . . . . . . . . . hopefully more . Like Littletosay , I wonder if Henry and Jonathan are getting to know each other . . . lol Great chapter ITC ! I felt the vibrations of my phone beneath my pillow . It was just loud enough to wake me , but not enough to stir Lucas out of his sleep . I slowly and quietly changed clothes and left his room . The sun was barely coming up and all I could think of was how much I missed my mother . I clutched the locket that hid beneath my shirt as my breathing became heavy with grief . I looked away from the sunrise and just walked around for a little while . I felt bad for leaving Lucas like that , but it was pointless for me to let myself get close to someone else . I listened to the voice in my head telling me that I had enough . Any more than what I already have would just make things harder . I would have just left it at that , but then I heard a voice I hadn 't heard in a long time . There was a name I hadn 't thought of in years . He was a lot like Lucas , or at least what I 've witnessed from Lucas so far . We complemented each other like cheese and macaroni . Everyone thought we were twins because between the two of us , we knew everything . We were like two halves of an apple . At least , until his dad 's company relocated his family to a small town three states away . That was about two years before I met Henry . If it weren 't for Carly I wouldn 't have even had Henry . But life has been hard enough since then , I don 't need someone else who I am certain will cause me pain one day . The argument in my mind subsided as I once again listened to my negativity and decided that Lucas was too good for me to even try to be his friend . I passed through the doors of my dorm building and saw Henry laying on one of the couches in the lounge . He looked totally smashed from last night . I walked up to him and flicked his ear . When I got him up to his dorm room , I went back downstairs to mine to see if Jonathan was still there . I looked at my watch and it was now 7 : 30 a . m . I poked my head into the room and saw that no one was inside . It reeked of sex so I grabbed the air freshener and just blasted it around the room . I sat on my bed and dropped my head into my hands for a moment . I actually didn 't know Henry as well as I thought . He could have done it himself , but I didn 't want to believe it . I especially didn 't want to because it was our usually breakfast day . It was the only morning the three of us had off at the same time , so we went to the local IHOP and caught up with the week 's events . I shoved my sausages into my mouth and listened to Carly drone on about her and Mike . I honestly couldn 't care less , but as usual I feigned interest and kept any conflict to a minimum . At any second I expected my thoughts to drift away from Carly incessant yammering . And there it was . I forgot my wallet . I don 't even remember where I put it . I felt around all my pockets and nothing . Thankfully it was Carly 's day to pay so I didn 't have to worry as much . * * * I sat down in my chair near the door and planted my face in my arms . I absolutely hated this class . Well , more the professor than the class . He and I were total opposites and we viewed the world completely differently . We constantly argued about the " meaning " of everything since I just believe that the world is in constant chaos and things just happen . We never agreed on anything and being the asshole I am , I always had to argue my point until both of us gave up , or he kicked me out of the class . He walked away towards the back of the room . I saw him sit down in the back row and felt a rush of guilt overwhelm me . I got up and went to sit next to him . " I just assigned a report . You partner up with someone you don 't know or barely know and study them . Then you write a full report about why you think they are the way they are , " he said . I looked at Lucas and he looked back at me . A smile began to penetrate the stern look on his face that he was holding for so long , but he quickly stopped it . I held up my hand to ask a question and Robbins took a deep breath . I smiled when he turned away . I don 't know what made me feel better , freaking out the entire class , or having an academic reason to be friends with Lucas . I turned to Lucas with the smile still on my face and saw the shock on his . He stared at me in disbelief as I chuckled at everyone 's confusion . When class was dismissed , Lucas and I walked towards the parking lot together . There was silence between us that I wanted him to be the one to break . I wanted to think of something to say , but my mind was running on empty . " I 'm sorry , I really can 't . I promised Carly I 'd go see that counselor again . I have to go around 6 : 30 . " I said . I was . The first genuine smile on my face in two years , and Lucas was causing it . I had no idea what that actually meant . I just knew that I wanted to be around Lucas as much as I possibly could . We sat down at one of the tables outside . The light breeze swept through the little junction of stores . Lucas jumped face first into his sandwich while I slowly picked at my pasta . " Ok , " I said pulling the small locket out from under my shirt collar , " This locket belonged to my mother . She bought it one day when we went to Sea World . She always loved dolphins and when she saw this … she said it was the third time in her life that she was absolutely certain about something she wanted . " " I found it one day shortly before I left for school , and I put a picture of her in it . I wear it everyday to remind myself that what I 'm doing is important for me . No matter how far away I am , when I 'm wearing this locket I feel like I 'm right where I belong . " " Alright well , when I was a kid I always wanted to have a dog . My neighbor had a Doberman puppy and I was absolutely in love with it . But my dad was crazy allergic to dog hair , so we couldn 't have one , " he said . " Yeah … so anyway , when I was like 8 or 9 , my dad had a business trip up in Lake Tahoe , so my parents decided to just make it into a family vacation since it was during the summer . My mom and I were walking down a little junction of stores and I walked by this toy store . I looked in the window and saw this little Doberman Beanie Baby , " he said . " I know , I know , guys and Beanie Babies just don 't really mix , but I was just a kid . I begged my mom for like 20 minutes to buy it for me until she was finally convinced that it would keep me from begging for a real dog . As soon as I got it in my arms , I was never apart from it . I loved that dog so much , " he said . I looked at Lucas completely differently . The compassion and kindness that he had wasn 't something he did voluntarily . From his story , I could tell that it was just natural for him . I smiled back at him and nodded . At that moment , it was like everything slowed down . I looked into his bright hazel eyes and saw the vulnerability . I wasn 't looking at his vulnerability , but I could see myself in the reflection of his eyes . I was looking at mine . I had never told anyone about the locket I held with me everyday . I never reached that level of connection with anyone . And yet , here I sat with a near stranger , and I just spilled information about one of my greatest possessions without much provocation from him . It was like that deal between us established a trust that would take most people years to build . We instantly had a " You give , I give " connection . It felt amazing not only to trust someone so easily , but also to be trusted by that person with the same level of ease . I felt different , almost refreshed . I could feel the changes happening inside me . The warmth I locked away so many years ago was bubbling to the surface and pushing out the cold , logical , and emotionless version of me . That was an amazing chapter . I 'm really feeling for Luke and Aaron now . Hopefully they 'll get to be better friends . . . if Aaron 's head doesn 't do him in . What a great story - so well written ! I love the way you let us in to AAron 's inner voices . . . and I could feel the connection happening - blossoming ! I am an incurable romantic - I am loving this ! ! ! Hugs ! Reply With Quote August 15th , 2009 , 09 : 00 PM That was a wonderfully warm and touching chapter . Trust like that does not come easily . I have a feeling Aaron is going to be a little more reasonable with the counselor . He has something important to relay this time . Luke has that inner connection that anyone would be happy to share . Obviously he has some of the same concerns regarding friendships that Aaron has . I like the way things are going in this story . Eager to read the next chapter . Hey guys , so this chapter is a bit shorter but I wanted to get this part out of the way as soon as possible . I think I 've allowed you all get a better feel for Aaron in this chapter and I 'm going to bring in a few subtle hints and a few not so subtle hints with the next few chapters . Enjoy Wings of A Butterfly Veronica looked at me through her black rimmed glasses as I sat in the chair across from her . I subtly looked around the room to try and get a read on her in case I needed some ammo . She offered me a glass of tea , which I reluctantly accepted . Veronica examined me for a moment , as if to check for subtle hints that could actually lead her somewhere . She picked up her cup and sipped at her tea with her eyes closed . When she opened her eyes it was like a fire had been lit in her soul . She held more energy in them , as if she found something she could use . " I believe you agreed because you value your relationship with Carly , but you 're afraid of feeling vulnerable with another human being . So you fight them every step of the way , but you still end up doing things for them . You do it so you appear to care about them , but to also tell them that you wish you didn 't , " she said . " You think you know me after talking to me twice ? Well let me tell you something , you don 't know a thing about me . So you can sit up here in your little room with all your credentials hanging up on the wall and listen to other people complain about their problems . But me , I 'm going out there . I 'm going to do something that actually matters to the world . So you can take your assumptions about me and shove them up your ass because you have no idea why I am the way that I am . " I bolted out of my seat and stormed over towards the door . She was up and at the door faster than I could reach it . She held her hand against the door as I was trying to open it and storm out of the room . She looked calmly into my eyes and somehow forced the rage that was boiling under my skin to subside . She slowly walked back to her seat . As she sat down she motioned toward the chair for me to sit back down . I turned to face her and crossed my arms . " Before you can face whatever makes you afraid of connecting with other people , you need to tell at least one person what it is , " she said , " It doesn 't have to be me , it can be anyone . But until you tell someone , you 'll always be afraid of it . You 'll keep pushing people out of your life just as you 're about to get close to them . " Defeated , I walked back over to the chair across from her . I stared directly into her dark blue eyes . There was no anger or judgment in them . There was no hostility or restraint in mine either . I couldn 't see it , but I definitely felt it . " Aaron , there is no need for an apology . What you did was a classic outburst . In a way , it made it easier to see who you really are underneath this façade you portray , " she said . She looked up at me with confusion on her face . Her lips pursed and her brow wrinkled with intense thought . I noticed her right hand start flipping her pen around her fingers , something that my Psych professor said people do when they are working something over in their mind . She paused for a second . She put down her sandwich and kept her eyes low . She placed her arms on the table across her chest . Her eyes slowly looked up into mine and examined me for a moment . " Aaron , you haven 't been involved with any girl that I know of since I met you . You haven 't given any reason to believe that you 're straight . You 've never even stated whether you were straight or not . So yeah , I can believe that she may have thought so . " I grabbed my things and walked away . The wind was blowing gently , so I decided to follow it and see where it took me . I really didn 't care . It was Friday afternoon , and two days since I last saw Lucas . Me , being the idiot that I am , forgot to get his number . And both times I knocked on his door were not answered . I was walking by the Science and Health Studies building when a door opened and nearly hit me in the face . A crowd of students flew out the door and poured into the courtyard . Politely , I held the door open and waited for every last one of them to leave the room . The last person to leave was the last person I expected it to be . I rolled my eyes and pushed his shoulder . I didn 't even know where we were walking to , but we ended up at the east parking lot . I looked around for a moment in silence while standing next to Lucas waiting for the crosswalk to turn . He smiled and walked across the street with his golden hair being brushed by the light wind . As he walked away , I noticed he was slightly limping . I pushed it into the back of my mind for now and walked off towards the corner store with a small grin on my face . Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote August 17th , 2009 , 09 : 50 AM That was a very thought provoking chapter . It 's obvious Aaron can 't always stay on his sarcastic path . The counselor broke through and Luke has as well . He 's really not a bad ass after all . Now he has to come to terms with his sexuality and I hope Luke will begin that journey with him soon . Thanks for the update and looking for the next . Thanks for the speedy update . . . if only I could crank out quality work that quickly haha . I 'm VERY excited for the next chapter and to find out what this limp was all about . More more more ! ! ! Irish I knocked on his door three times , each knock slightly lower on the door than the other . I never noticed that I did it until now . Something about Lucas made me more aware of anything I did . Even my little weird things like my knock . The pizza in my left hand was starting to make my palm sweat , or at least that 's what I convinced myself was making it sweat . He opened the door and smiled at me . I opened the box and we each grabbed a slice . I sat back down in his chair and he flopped down on his bed and ate the slice in seconds . I laughed at him and he smiled awkwardly at me . A moment of silence passed between us as we ate . His eyes were glued to the ground and I could tell he was thinking of something that he wasn 't sure about saying . After I finished my slice , I took a deep breath . " Well it got me thinking , " he said , " And I thought about it all day . I 'm not trying to pry you for information or anything , but if you want we could make another deal . You tell me something , I 'll tell you something . " Lucas sat up and sat on the edge of his bed . He stared into my eyes and somehow , I felt a little better . The pain in my chest went away and I was able to hold the tears back a little better than before . " I came home from school one day and found her unconscious in the kitchen . I called 911 but it was too late . I found my mother dead that day . " " She worked so hard for me . She worked so hard to give me a good life … " I said , " But she never thought about what would happen to me if she was gone . " That did it . The tears pushed themselves out of my eyes and I fell forward into myself . Lucas stood up and kneeled down in front of me and caught me before I collapsed . He held me and I cried on his shoulder . " Aaron , that 's ok , " he said . He pulled me away from him and looked directly into my eyes . He placed both hands firmly , but gently , on my shoulders . " She obviously didn 't want you to know until it happened , " he said , " She was probably so scared about leaving you . She probably didn 't want you to have to live every single day in fear , and then have grief on top of that feeling after she died . It 's not wrong for you to be angry , but she probably didn 't tell you because of what knowing that she was going to die would do to you . " He looked firmly into my eyes . I could see his fixation , and from that I could tell that he did genuinely care about me . In my mind , I saw myself drowning . I couldn 't keep myself afloat , even though I had people around me trying to pull me out of the water . I was just about to give up and let myself fall beneath the surface , when I felt a hand grab my arm and lift me up . I looked into the eyes of my rescuer . The bright hazel colored eyes that penetrated my soul and brought down every barrier I had built . I looked back into his eyes and felt the pain be washed away . The tears stopped and I regained my composition . I took several deep breaths and calmed myself down . I sat up straight , never looking away from Lucas ' eyes . They made me feel safe . I nodded at him , but remained silent . I didn 't know what to do now . This was the most vulnerable I 've ever felt in my life . For the first time since my mom 's funeral , I cried in front of another person . I knew he felt the tension boiling inside me , so he wrapped his arms around me again to comfort me . I got up and put the movie in and pressed play . I sat back into the chair and he moved back onto his bed . I noticed he kept looking at me as if I were about to shatter into a million pieces . He walked over to his bookshelf , and I noticed his slight limp again . He turned around smiling with the case of October Sky in his hands . I must have had a worried look on my face or something because his smile disappeared and his eyes glazed over a bit . " It 's ok , " he said , " I talked to Jonathan this morning and he told me everything . He seemed so proud of it , so I yelled at him . Then he said , ' It 's not like I raped him or anything , ' and the next thing I knew , my fist flew into his face . I knocked him on the ground and he kicked me in the hip when I leaned in to help him up . " I smiled at him and he smiled back . At that moment , I felt like we were floating in a space of nothingness . There was nothing to worry about except whether or not we were flying or falling . That 's how it was with Lucas . I could be flying or falling , and it would make no difference to me . It was a challenge to be open with him , but at the same time I felt completely safe . We watched the movie in near silence . Apparently we both loved this movie so much that we could nearly recite the script . I swear at one point I saw him mouthing some of the words . But he just blushed and looked away from me . Lucas made me feel different than my other friends did . I didn 't have to worry about what I said or how I said it . I didn 't have to worry about whether or not I stepped on his toes . I didn 't have to worry about anything really . All I had to do was be myself and let him see my vulnerable side every once in a while . * * * It was nearly 11 at night when I got back to my dorm room . Jonathan was sitting at his desk . I could see very clearly where Lucas clocked him . I couldn 't help but smirk a little about it . " Look you little shit , " I said , " I really don 't care if you do drugs . You can OD on the shit for all I care . But if you EVER slip any of my friends any drugs again without them knowing about it , I swear to God I will rip off your balls and shove em down your throat . " " Do you have any idea what I did to people like you at my high school ? " I asked , " Well it would be NOTHING compared to what I would do to you if you came within 5 feet of Henry ever again . Do you understand me ? " He nodded with fear . I released my grip on his shirt and walked away from him . I didn 't hear him move at all , but when I looked back he was opening the door to leave . Wow ! How great to see Aaron being so vulnerable in telling Luke about his mother . Trusting another person so deeply takes a lot of fortitude . Then , along with Luke , being so protective of another friend . A maturity is growing within him and it suits him well . I like that he and Luke are bonding so well . Awesome chapter , ITC . Great work , ITC ! I love how comfortable he 's becoming with Luke . I can really feel this story going somewhere great ! I also enjoyed how both of them stood up for Henry , especially Aaron who only had Luke 's word on the matter . Aw ! THAT is Fantastic ! ! This is a Good story , itc ! THANK YOU ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote Page 1 of 9

Hey guys , so as promised I 've started on a new story . I 've been tweaking it for a couple days now , and I think it 's finally ready for public eyes . I wanna give a quick thanks to everyone who read and supported Graduation . And those who didn 't , well you should go read it : Graduation The clock that hung from the wall ticked loudly through the silence as the pendulum swung from side to side . I had probably been sitting there for 3 minutes without saying a word . What could I say though ? There was nothing on my mind and she seemed stubborn enough to not be the first one to break the silence between us . " Well , it 's really nothing huge . It 's just a bunch of little things . Homework , tests , social ties … stuff like that , " I said . The woman gently uncrossed and re - crossed her legs as she took a sip of her coffee . She stared at me beneath rectangular , black - rimmed glasses as if to signal me to continue . I really didn 't know what to say . I wasn 't even here by my own choice . Stupid school requirements were forcing me to come here . Apparently , when one student kills themselves , every other student must be suicidal as well . " I don 't know . I try to remind myself that I 'm actually doing pretty well in life . I think about that girl Rachel , the one who shot herself , and I just think about how messed up things must have been for her , " I said . " Not really , no . I mean , I didn 't actually know her so her death doesn 't make me sad . But I feel compassion for the people that cared about her . I 've seen them around and they look pretty fucked up , " I said . " It 's fine . No one is going to get mad at you here . I can have a fucking dirty mouth too sometimes , " she said with a smile . I smiled back at her , but it was just a courtesy smile . I really didn 't think I belonged here . On the outside , I was just a normal college student trying his best to do well in life . On the inside , I didn 't really care about much . All over , I was just your typical everyday teenager who just wanted to fit in and be accepted . " She 's great . We 've been friends since Junior High . She brings out the best kind of person in me . When I 'm around her , I just feel so free it 's as if I could be anyone I wanted to be , " I said . " There 's Carly 's boyfriend , Mike . He 's an ok guy . I wouldn 't consider him one of my best friends , but it 's important to Carly that I like him , so I do , " I said . " Well Aaron , from what I 've gathered there is no need for you to be in therapy . You are perfectly normal in every visual way . I 'll write up a dismissal form for you to turn in at the administrator 's office on campus … unless you want to tell me something else ? " she asked . We sat down at one of the picnic tables that were scattered around the campus . Carly dug right into her food but I just sat there playing with mine with my fork . The fork got stuck and I ended up flicking an olive into the air . I eyed her expression up and down . I was trying to tell if she was pulling my leg or if she was honestly suggesting this . She noticed me studying her face and stared back at me with a raised eyebrow . " Quite possibly , but more importantly I 'm actually serious . You 're so bitter and sarcastic all the time . You never actually talk about what 's bothering you , " she said . After Carly took off to her Philosophy class , I decided to walk around campus . My thought train was on several different tracks as it always was . The first track stayed focused on what I would talk about with the counselor . Would she ask me questions again , or would I have to come up with stuff on my own ? What if I couldn 't think of anything to say ? Did it really matter ? I shook my head at the thought . It didn 't matter at all because it wasn 't necessary . It 's not like there 's anything wrong with me . What 's a psychiatrist going to tell me that I don 't already know ? Whatever , it was for Carly anyway . As long as she was content with me then I was happy . She has no need to worry about me , and this was the only way to prove it to her . My second track was thinking about Rachel . Not about her death , but who she really was . I tried to come up with a picture of what her life was like before she killed herself . The news report said her brother and three of her friends were there when she did it . They said she tried to kill one of them , but her brother stopped her . It made me think that her brother was really close to her and meant a lot to her . But why would she kill herself instead of get help ? Did she really not want to live anymore or did she feel so ashamed about what she did that her brother wouldn 't love her anymore ? It was a sad thought , but I figured anyone who is desperate enough to kill themselves if it meant the pain would stop then she was beyond help . It was a sad thought sure , but it didn 't make me sad . Her brother must have had it rough though . If I had a brother or a sister , then I would probably be able to imagine what he felt . But I didn 't , so I didn 't care very much . My third track was about all the new people moving into the dorms after what happened . There were so few people living in the dorms before that I was able to live alone , but now I was being assigned a roommate . Joy . Another person that I have to socialize with every day , just what I wanted . I finally jumped off my thought train and looked at my watch realizing that it was 1 : 30 already . I decided to head back to the dorm and wait for my new roommate . When I walked past the main Administrator 's Office , I turned the corner sharply and accidentally bumped into someone . I hit my head against theirs and fell down on my ass . He lowered his hand towards me to lift me up . I rubbed my head with my left hand as I took his extended arm with my right . He pulled me up and steadied me . As my vision refocused I was able to see his face . He had a pair of bright green eyes fixated on me while I regained my balance . I took a step forward and wobbled a little . He grabbed my shoulder and laughed a little . Once I got my balance back I laughed a little as well and shook my head . " You want me to walk with you and make sure you don 't pass out ? " he asked flashing me his bright smile . We walked across the campus together , every now and then I would stumble a little and he caught me before I tripped over myself . Each time I did it he let out a chuckle . I probably looked like a complete idiot . We were about halfway across the campus when he started talking to me randomly . I looked up at him and admired him a little . I wasn 't a very creative person , and I respected those that were . I couldn 't draw anything to save my life , but I like looking at the work of those that could . He looked at me as we stopped outside of the north dorm building . His bright hazel eyes glimmered in the light from the sun . I studied them as discretely as I could and noticed that there was a hint of gold around the edges . He smiled and revealed a set of bright white teeth that would make a dentist jealous . I didn 't know what he was smiling at , so I raised an eyebrow at him . As he walked away , I tried to study what made him tick , and what made those thoughts slip out of my mind . Even with Carly , I kept all of my sarcasm in my head so I didn 't offend her at all . There was something different about Luke that I couldn 't quite put my finger on . He was like a book full of analogies and metaphors that made my brain itch . He was confusing and yet , I felt like I understood him at the same time . The only thing I didn 't understand was that bizarre question and answer session while we were walking . Did he honestly care if I was ok even though he just met me ? That had to be it ; and that officially made him tomorrow 's problem . Today 's problem was probably already upstairs unpacking it 's shit , and I had to go meet it and make nice with it for the rest of the semester . He was probably some weak little brainiac that was so afraid of the world that he had to move in with the big boys . It 's just what I needed this semester ; to be some pathetic genius ' bodyguard . I flopped down on my bed and closed my eyes for a moment . My thoughts instantly drifted to Lucas … I mean Luke . What was his deal ? No one could be that nice to someone they just met . Fuck , now I was obsessing . I opened my eyes and rubbed the spot on my forehead where his head hit mine . Just then the door popped open and my new roommate stepped inside , followed closely by that awkward moment . I think I 'm going to like this story ! Off to a really great start . I think I have a feeling who Aaron 's new roommate is going to be BTW , I LOVED Graduation ! ! ! You have such compelling storylines and I have a feeling I won 't be disappointed with this one either . Can 't wait for more ! ! already I have noticed some parallels ! rachel killed herself in " Graduation " and also had a brother who was concerned - - same here . I 'm guessing lucas / luke is the love interest ? he has sparking green eyes ( and a killer smile ) , just like Cameron . Reply With Quote July 18th , 2009 , 10 : 56 PM Hmmm ! Haven 't read " Graduation " . . . yet ! . . . but , I 'm liking this one . . . a LOT ! PLEASE keep up the great work ! I 'm definitely looking forward to reading more of YOU ! Very interesting perspective ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote July 19th , 2009 , 01 : 16 AM How great to sign on today and see one of my favorite authors had started a new story . I like the approach this one has and as ASDF pointed out , there are the parallels with " Graduation . " Who would have thought that a tragic event such as Rachael killing herself would have such a wide effect on someone that didn 't even know her . I can tell this is going to be as brilliant a story as " Graduation " but with an entirely new cast of characters . Looking forward to a long read . already I have noticed some parallels ! rachel killed herself in " Graduation " and also had a brother who was concerned - - same here . I 'm guessing lucas / luke is the love interest ? he has sparking green eyes ( and a killer smile ) , just like Cameron . Oops looks like I overlooked something while I was editing . His eyes were supposed to be Hazel . I guess I just missed that one And I 'm glad you guys like it so far . I 'm gonna start chapter two today and hopefully be finished soon . Thanks for the support guys ! Great start ! I really enjoyed " Graduation " , I think I 'll like this story too . Looking forward to chapter 2 already ! Reply With Quote July 23rd , 2009 , 05 : 34 AM ITC this is a great beginning . Looking forward to more . I know that it will be just as fantastic as Graduation and I think you know by now that that story was the greatest . H & K " He 's ok . He 's kinda quiet though . After he unpacked he just sat at his desk playing games on his computer , " I said . Henry and I were sitting in the Student Hall on campus . The building was amazing . It had a big sitting / study area on the main floor , a library on the second floor , and a bunch of little shops , food places , and even a bowling alley in the underground area . I sat on my favorite couch in the room and Henry sat in the armchair sitting adjacent to me . I turned around and looked at the doors behind me . Jonathan was standing there looking awkwardly into the crowd for a place to sit down . I couldn 't help but feel sorry for him . He honestly looked like a guy who just needed a friend . He turned his head and saw me staring at him , so I gave a kind of half wave at him . He looked away instantly and walked towards the stairs . Jonathan stopped dead in his tracks . He looked over at us and saw Henry waving him over to our area . I could see his hesitation and smell his fear from where I was sitting . I nodded at him when he turned his dark brown eyes to me . After a moment of awkward pause , he shifted his feet and walked slowly over to us . I found myself hating him a little bit . Not because he was so awkward , but because he didn 't seem to even want a social life . It was as if he was battling with himself on the inside , and I couldn 't tell if he was winning or losing . He was very difficult to read and for that , I couldn 't help but hate him . No one has been able to hide themselves from me for very long , but this kid was actually giving me a challenge . As he sat down on the opposite end of the couch I was sitting on , there was an awkward moment of silence between us . I gave a quick stink eye at him when he sat on my couch , but hid it before he or Henry could see it . I turned my attention to my laptop which had the website , Fmylife open . Henry noticed my shift in focus and started talking to Jonathan . Tuning out their conversation , I retreated into my thoughts . I nodded at appropriate times and feigned interest like I always did . To be honest , the conversations about this Rachel girl were getting repetitive . Someone who had minimal interaction with her would find someone else who had even less interaction with her and express what a " shock " it was when it happened . I was a little surprised when my thoughts crossed over the pain in my forehead , and suddenly all I could think of was Lucas . He perplexed me . He seemed to genuinely care about my wellbeing , but yet he didn 't ask for my number or ask to walk me up to my room or whatever . I concluded on the thought that he really didn 't care , and that he was just making sure I didn 't want to sue him or anything . My thoughts were interrupted by Henry 's voice . * * * Walking into the club , I heard the sounds of my favorite band , Paramore . Carly immediately began dancing to the tune of Crushcrushcrush as we were walking down the stairs to the main floor of the club . She flung her dark brown hair around in sync with the beat of the song and she pulled Mike out to the dance floor . Henry and I sat at the bar and saw Jonathan walking down the stairs . He was closely followed by Lucas and his eyes magnetically stuck to mine from across the room . I saw a smile creep across his face . He and Jonathan made their way over to the bar , but our eyes never separated . His were full of amusement , while mine were filled with annoyance . I gave him a glare and he burst into laughter . Jonathan and Henry broke off and started chatting while Lucas and I had a couple drinks . Lucas and I just sat at the bar talking about the music they were playing . I sat there stunned for a moment . No way were he and I in the same place at the same time worshiping the same band . I must have been staring for a few minutes because he broke me out of my trance by waving his hand in my face . We sat there as the final line of a song neither of us was paying attention to finished . Eagerly awaiting the next song to play , I looked around and noticed that everyone else was gone . The DJ shut off the sound system and the bartender told us they were closing in a few minutes . We stared at each other with wide eyes and disbelief . He got off his stool and motioned towards the staircase . I wiped my hands on my jeans and walked past him up the stairs . The cool , crisp air outside felt refreshing after being inside for God knows how long . I stretched a bit as Lucas emerged out of the stairway and chuckled at me . He smiled at me and I smiled back . It was then that I realized that I was doing exactly what I didn 't want to do . Acting on instinct , my mind took over and I broke this moment between us . I tried desperately to think of a rational excuse to keep from walking back with him , but failed miserably . I just nodded and walked beside him , not saying a word the whole mile and a half to the dorm . He tried to talk to me , but I made it very clear that I was " too tired to think " so he gave up after the third avoided question . We walked up the stairs of the dorm building and stood outside my room for a moment . Lucas burst into laughter that carried across the courtyard . We walked into the other dorm building and up the stairs to the third floor where Lucas ' room was . This building was much younger and nicer than the one I was living in . We walked into the room and my jaw nearly fell off when I saw the interior . It was at least twice as big as my room , and he didn 't even have a roommate . I went into the bathroom to take a piss and change and I came out to see him already under his covers . I walked softly over to the bed and sat down on it . As usual , I went over the day 's events in my head as a way of cataloguing any significance in any moment . I stopped at the brief moment between Lucas and I outside the club and couldn 't decide if that was significant . Without thinking , I blurted out a question to Lucas . I turned over and lay down on the bed . I stared at the ceiling and kept thinking about that exchange of smiles . As much as I disliked the idea , I had found a new friend in Lucas Harper . That wasn 't what was bothering me though . The issue I was bumping up against was whether or not I would drive him away . He was so different from the people I was friends with . Carly and Henry were just as closed of as I was … I mean am . But Lucas has a warming quality that I was afraid of breaking . I turned over , facing away from Lucas , and started drifting off to sleep . I could hear him lightly snoring from his bed behind me , and for the first time in a while , I let out a genuine laugh . It wasn 't forced or fake . And that 's when I realized that I actually liked Lucas . I was friends with Henry because we were in the same social group and had similar taste in music . I was friends with Carly because we 've been together nearly since birth . And right now , I couldn 't really tell if I actually liked either of them . THANK YOU ! , itc ! Excellent ! Been waiting for this 2nd chapter , and , in the mean time , read " Graduation " ! Now I understand the " tie in " here . Fantastic ! ! I 'm truly enjoying your writing style ! And , especially appreciate your including Aaron 's " inner conversation " with himself . Definitely looking forward to more ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote August 10th , 2009 , 11 : 44 AM Happy to see an addition to the story . I am certain Aaron and Lucas are going to be very good friends . . . . . . . . . . . . hopefully more . Like Littletosay , I wonder if Henry and Jonathan are getting to know each other . . . lol Great chapter ITC ! I felt the vibrations of my phone beneath my pillow . It was just loud enough to wake me , but not enough to stir Lucas out of his sleep . I slowly and quietly changed clothes and left his room . The sun was barely coming up and all I could think of was how much I missed my mother . I clutched the locket that hid beneath my shirt as my breathing became heavy with grief . I looked away from the sunrise and just walked around for a little while . I felt bad for leaving Lucas like that , but it was pointless for me to let myself get close to someone else . I listened to the voice in my head telling me that I had enough . Any more than what I already have would just make things harder . I would have just left it at that , but then I heard a voice I hadn 't heard in a long time . There was a name I hadn 't thought of in years . He was a lot like Lucas , or at least what I 've witnessed from Lucas so far . We complemented each other like cheese and macaroni . Everyone thought we were twins because between the two of us , we knew everything . We were like two halves of an apple . At least , until his dad 's company relocated his family to a small town three states away . That was about two years before I met Henry . If it weren 't for Carly I wouldn 't have even had Henry . But life has been hard enough since then , I don 't need someone else who I am certain will cause me pain one day . The argument in my mind subsided as I once again listened to my negativity and decided that Lucas was too good for me to even try to be his friend . I passed through the doors of my dorm building and saw Henry laying on one of the couches in the lounge . He looked totally smashed from last night . I walked up to him and flicked his ear . When I got him up to his dorm room , I went back downstairs to mine to see if Jonathan was still there . I looked at my watch and it was now 7 : 30 a . m . I poked my head into the room and saw that no one was inside . It reeked of sex so I grabbed the air freshener and just blasted it around the room . I sat on my bed and dropped my head into my hands for a moment . I actually didn 't know Henry as well as I thought . He could have done it himself , but I didn 't want to believe it . I especially didn 't want to because it was our usually breakfast day . It was the only morning the three of us had off at the same time , so we went to the local IHOP and caught up with the week 's events . I shoved my sausages into my mouth and listened to Carly drone on about her and Mike . I honestly couldn 't care less , but as usual I feigned interest and kept any conflict to a minimum . At any second I expected my thoughts to drift away from Carly incessant yammering . And there it was . I forgot my wallet . I don 't even remember where I put it . I felt around all my pockets and nothing . Thankfully it was Carly 's day to pay so I didn 't have to worry as much . * * * I sat down in my chair near the door and planted my face in my arms . I absolutely hated this class . Well , more the professor than the class . He and I were total opposites and we viewed the world completely differently . We constantly argued about the " meaning " of everything since I just believe that the world is in constant chaos and things just happen . We never agreed on anything and being the asshole I am , I always had to argue my point until both of us gave up , or he kicked me out of the class . He walked away towards the back of the room . I saw him sit down in the back row and felt a rush of guilt overwhelm me . I got up and went to sit next to him . " I just assigned a report . You partner up with someone you don 't know or barely know and study them . Then you write a full report about why you think they are the way they are , " he said . I looked at Lucas and he looked back at me . A smile began to penetrate the stern look on his face that he was holding for so long , but he quickly stopped it . I held up my hand to ask a question and Robbins took a deep breath . I smiled when he turned away . I don 't know what made me feel better , freaking out the entire class , or having an academic reason to be friends with Lucas . I turned to Lucas with the smile still on my face and saw the shock on his . He stared at me in disbelief as I chuckled at everyone 's confusion . When class was dismissed , Lucas and I walked towards the parking lot together . There was silence between us that I wanted him to be the one to break . I wanted to think of something to say , but my mind was running on empty . " I 'm sorry , I really can 't . I promised Carly I 'd go see that counselor again . I have to go around 6 : 30 . " I said . I was . The first genuine smile on my face in two years , and Lucas was causing it . I had no idea what that actually meant . I just knew that I wanted to be around Lucas as much as I possibly could . We sat down at one of the tables outside . The light breeze swept through the little junction of stores . Lucas jumped face first into his sandwich while I slowly picked at my pasta . " Ok , " I said pulling the small locket out from under my shirt collar , " This locket belonged to my mother . She bought it one day when we went to Sea World . She always loved dolphins and when she saw this … she said it was the third time in her life that she was absolutely certain about something she wanted . " " I found it one day shortly before I left for school , and I put a picture of her in it . I wear it everyday to remind myself that what I 'm doing is important for me . No matter how far away I am , when I 'm wearing this locket I feel like I 'm right where I belong . " " Alright well , when I was a kid I always wanted to have a dog . My neighbor had a Doberman puppy and I was absolutely in love with it . But my dad was crazy allergic to dog hair , so we couldn 't have one , " he said . " Yeah … so anyway , when I was like 8 or 9 , my dad had a business trip up in Lake Tahoe , so my parents decided to just make it into a family vacation since it was during the summer . My mom and I were walking down a little junction of stores and I walked by this toy store . I looked in the window and saw this little Doberman Beanie Baby , " he said . " I know , I know , guys and Beanie Babies just don 't really mix , but I was just a kid . I begged my mom for like 20 minutes to buy it for me until she was finally convinced that it would keep me from begging for a real dog . As soon as I got it in my arms , I was never apart from it . I loved that dog so much , " he said . I looked at Lucas completely differently . The compassion and kindness that he had wasn 't something he did voluntarily . From his story , I could tell that it was just natural for him . I smiled back at him and nodded . At that moment , it was like everything slowed down . I looked into his bright hazel eyes and saw the vulnerability . I wasn 't looking at his vulnerability , but I could see myself in the reflection of his eyes . I was looking at mine . I had never told anyone about the locket I held with me everyday . I never reached that level of connection with anyone . And yet , here I sat with a near stranger , and I just spilled information about one of my greatest possessions without much provocation from him . It was like that deal between us established a trust that would take most people years to build . We instantly had a " You give , I give " connection . It felt amazing not only to trust someone so easily , but also to be trusted by that person with the same level of ease . I felt different , almost refreshed . I could feel the changes happening inside me . The warmth I locked away so many years ago was bubbling to the surface and pushing out the cold , logical , and emotionless version of me . That was an amazing chapter . I 'm really feeling for Luke and Aaron now . Hopefully they 'll get to be better friends . . . if Aaron 's head doesn 't do him in . What a great story - so well written ! I love the way you let us in to AAron 's inner voices . . . and I could feel the connection happening - blossoming ! I am an incurable romantic - I am loving this ! ! ! Hugs ! Reply With Quote August 15th , 2009 , 09 : 00 PM That was a wonderfully warm and touching chapter . Trust like that does not come easily . I have a feeling Aaron is going to be a little more reasonable with the counselor . He has something important to relay this time . Luke has that inner connection that anyone would be happy to share . Obviously he has some of the same concerns regarding friendships that Aaron has . I like the way things are going in this story . Eager to read the next chapter . Hey guys , so this chapter is a bit shorter but I wanted to get this part out of the way as soon as possible . I think I 've allowed you all get a better feel for Aaron in this chapter and I 'm going to bring in a few subtle hints and a few not so subtle hints with the next few chapters . Enjoy Wings of A Butterfly Veronica looked at me through her black rimmed glasses as I sat in the chair across from her . I subtly looked around the room to try and get a read on her in case I needed some ammo . She offered me a glass of tea , which I reluctantly accepted . Veronica examined me for a moment , as if to check for subtle hints that could actually lead her somewhere . She picked up her cup and sipped at her tea with her eyes closed . When she opened her eyes it was like a fire had been lit in her soul . She held more energy in them , as if she found something she could use . " I believe you agreed because you value your relationship with Carly , but you 're afraid of feeling vulnerable with another human being . So you fight them every step of the way , but you still end up doing things for them . You do it so you appear to care about them , but to also tell them that you wish you didn 't , " she said . " You think you know me after talking to me twice ? Well let me tell you something , you don 't know a thing about me . So you can sit up here in your little room with all your credentials hanging up on the wall and listen to other people complain about their problems . But me , I 'm going out there . I 'm going to do something that actually matters to the world . So you can take your assumptions about me and shove them up your ass because you have no idea why I am the way that I am . " I bolted out of my seat and stormed over towards the door . She was up and at the door faster than I could reach it . She held her hand against the door as I was trying to open it and storm out of the room . She looked calmly into my eyes and somehow forced the rage that was boiling under my skin to subside . She slowly walked back to her seat . As she sat down she motioned toward the chair for me to sit back down . I turned to face her and crossed my arms . " Before you can face whatever makes you afraid of connecting with other people , you need to tell at least one person what it is , " she said , " It doesn 't have to be me , it can be anyone . But until you tell someone , you 'll always be afraid of it . You 'll keep pushing people out of your life just as you 're about to get close to them . " Defeated , I walked back over to the chair across from her . I stared directly into her dark blue eyes . There was no anger or judgment in them . There was no hostility or restraint in mine either . I couldn 't see it , but I definitely felt it . " Aaron , there is no need for an apology . What you did was a classic outburst . In a way , it made it easier to see who you really are underneath this façade you portray , " she said . She looked up at me with confusion on her face . Her lips pursed and her brow wrinkled with intense thought . I noticed her right hand start flipping her pen around her fingers , something that my Psych professor said people do when they are working something over in their mind . She paused for a second . She put down her sandwich and kept her eyes low . She placed her arms on the table across her chest . Her eyes slowly looked up into mine and examined me for a moment . " Aaron , you haven 't been involved with any girl that I know of since I met you . You haven 't given any reason to believe that you 're straight . You 've never even stated whether you were straight or not . So yeah , I can believe that she may have thought so . " I grabbed my things and walked away . The wind was blowing gently , so I decided to follow it and see where it took me . I really didn 't care . It was Friday afternoon , and two days since I last saw Lucas . Me , being the idiot that I am , forgot to get his number . And both times I knocked on his door were not answered . I was walking by the Science and Health Studies building when a door opened and nearly hit me in the face . A crowd of students flew out the door and poured into the courtyard . Politely , I held the door open and waited for every last one of them to leave the room . The last person to leave was the last person I expected it to be . I rolled my eyes and pushed his shoulder . I didn 't even know where we were walking to , but we ended up at the east parking lot . I looked around for a moment in silence while standing next to Lucas waiting for the crosswalk to turn . He smiled and walked across the street with his golden hair being brushed by the light wind . As he walked away , I noticed he was slightly limping . I pushed it into the back of my mind for now and walked off towards the corner store with a small grin on my face . Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote August 17th , 2009 , 09 : 50 AM That was a very thought provoking chapter . It 's obvious Aaron can 't always stay on his sarcastic path . The counselor broke through and Luke has as well . He 's really not a bad ass after all . Now he has to come to terms with his sexuality and I hope Luke will begin that journey with him soon . Thanks for the update and looking for the next . Thanks for the speedy update . . . if only I could crank out quality work that quickly haha . I 'm VERY excited for the next chapter and to find out what this limp was all about . More more more ! ! ! Irish I knocked on his door three times , each knock slightly lower on the door than the other . I never noticed that I did it until now . Something about Lucas made me more aware of anything I did . Even my little weird things like my knock . The pizza in my left hand was starting to make my palm sweat , or at least that 's what I convinced myself was making it sweat . He opened the door and smiled at me . I opened the box and we each grabbed a slice . I sat back down in his chair and he flopped down on his bed and ate the slice in seconds . I laughed at him and he smiled awkwardly at me . A moment of silence passed between us as we ate . His eyes were glued to the ground and I could tell he was thinking of something that he wasn 't sure about saying . After I finished my slice , I took a deep breath . " Well it got me thinking , " he said , " And I thought about it all day . I 'm not trying to pry you for information or anything , but if you want we could make another deal . You tell me something , I 'll tell you something . " Lucas sat up and sat on the edge of his bed . He stared into my eyes and somehow , I felt a little better . The pain in my chest went away and I was able to hold the tears back a little better than before . " I came home from school one day and found her unconscious in the kitchen . I called 911 but it was too late . I found my mother dead that day . " " She worked so hard for me . She worked so hard to give me a good life … " I said , " But she never thought about what would happen to me if she was gone . " That did it . The tears pushed themselves out of my eyes and I fell forward into myself . Lucas stood up and kneeled down in front of me and caught me before I collapsed . He held me and I cried on his shoulder . " Aaron , that 's ok , " he said . He pulled me away from him and looked directly into my eyes . He placed both hands firmly , but gently , on my shoulders . " She obviously didn 't want you to know until it happened , " he said , " She was probably so scared about leaving you . She probably didn 't want you to have to live every single day in fear , and then have grief on top of that feeling after she died . It 's not wrong for you to be angry , but she probably didn 't tell you because of what knowing that she was going to die would do to you . " He looked firmly into my eyes . I could see his fixation , and from that I could tell that he did genuinely care about me . In my mind , I saw myself drowning . I couldn 't keep myself afloat , even though I had people around me trying to pull me out of the water . I was just about to give up and let myself fall beneath the surface , when I felt a hand grab my arm and lift me up . I looked into the eyes of my rescuer . The bright hazel colored eyes that penetrated my soul and brought down every barrier I had built . I looked back into his eyes and felt the pain be washed away . The tears stopped and I regained my composition . I took several deep breaths and calmed myself down . I sat up straight , never looking away from Lucas ' eyes . They made me feel safe . I nodded at him , but remained silent . I didn 't know what to do now . This was the most vulnerable I 've ever felt in my life . For the first time since my mom 's funeral , I cried in front of another person . I knew he felt the tension boiling inside me , so he wrapped his arms around me again to comfort me . I got up and put the movie in and pressed play . I sat back into the chair and he moved back onto his bed . I noticed he kept looking at me as if I were about to shatter into a million pieces . He walked over to his bookshelf , and I noticed his slight limp again . He turned around smiling with the case of October Sky in his hands . I must have had a worried look on my face or something because his smile disappeared and his eyes glazed over a bit . " It 's ok , " he said , " I talked to Jonathan this morning and he told me everything . He seemed so proud of it , so I yelled at him . Then he said , ' It 's not like I raped him or anything , ' and the next thing I knew , my fist flew into his face . I knocked him on the ground and he kicked me in the hip when I leaned in to help him up . " I smiled at him and he smiled back . At that moment , I felt like we were floating in a space of nothingness . There was nothing to worry about except whether or not we were flying or falling . That 's how it was with Lucas . I could be flying or falling , and it would make no difference to me . It was a challenge to be open with him , but at the same time I felt completely safe . We watched the movie in near silence . Apparently we both loved this movie so much that we could nearly recite the script . I swear at one point I saw him mouthing some of the words . But he just blushed and looked away from me . Lucas made me feel different than my other friends did . I didn 't have to worry about what I said or how I said it . I didn 't have to worry about whether or not I stepped on his toes . I didn 't have to worry about anything really . All I had to do was be myself and let him see my vulnerable side every once in a while . * * * It was nearly 11 at night when I got back to my dorm room . Jonathan was sitting at his desk . I could see very clearly where Lucas clocked him . I couldn 't help but smirk a little about it . " Look you little shit , " I said , " I really don 't care if you do drugs . You can OD on the shit for all I care . But if you EVER slip any of my friends any drugs again without them knowing about it , I swear to God I will rip off your balls and shove em down your throat . " " Do you have any idea what I did to people like you at my high school ? " I asked , " Well it would be NOTHING compared to what I would do to you if you came within 5 feet of Henry ever again . Do you understand me ? " He nodded with fear . I released my grip on his shirt and walked away from him . I didn 't hear him move at all , but when I looked back he was opening the door to leave . Wow ! How great to see Aaron being so vulnerable in telling Luke about his mother . Trusting another person so deeply takes a lot of fortitude . Then , along with Luke , being so protective of another friend . A maturity is growing within him and it suits him well . I like that he and Luke are bonding so well . Awesome chapter , ITC . Great work , ITC ! I love how comfortable he 's becoming with Luke . I can really feel this story going somewhere great ! I also enjoyed how both of them stood up for Henry , especially Aaron who only had Luke 's word on the matter . Aw ! THAT is Fantastic ! ! This is a Good story , itc ! THANK YOU ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote Page 1 of 9

Hey guys , so as promised I 've started on a new story . I 've been tweaking it for a couple days now , and I think it 's finally ready for public eyes . I wanna give a quick thanks to everyone who read and supported Graduation . And those who didn 't , well you should go read it : Graduation The clock that hung from the wall ticked loudly through the silence as the pendulum swung from side to side . I had probably been sitting there for 3 minutes without saying a word . What could I say though ? There was nothing on my mind and she seemed stubborn enough to not be the first one to break the silence between us . " Well , it 's really nothing huge . It 's just a bunch of little things . Homework , tests , social ties … stuff like that , " I said . The woman gently uncrossed and re - crossed her legs as she took a sip of her coffee . She stared at me beneath rectangular , black - rimmed glasses as if to signal me to continue . I really didn 't know what to say . I wasn 't even here by my own choice . Stupid school requirements were forcing me to come here . Apparently , when one student kills themselves , every other student must be suicidal as well . " I don 't know . I try to remind myself that I 'm actually doing pretty well in life . I think about that girl Rachel , the one who shot herself , and I just think about how messed up things must have been for her , " I said . " Not really , no . I mean , I didn 't actually know her so her death doesn 't make me sad . But I feel compassion for the people that cared about her . I 've seen them around and they look pretty fucked up , " I said . " It 's fine . No one is going to get mad at you here . I can have a fucking dirty mouth too sometimes , " she said with a smile . I smiled back at her , but it was just a courtesy smile . I really didn 't think I belonged here . On the outside , I was just a normal college student trying his best to do well in life . On the inside , I didn 't really care about much . All over , I was just your typical everyday teenager who just wanted to fit in and be accepted . " She 's great . We 've been friends since Junior High . She brings out the best kind of person in me . When I 'm around her , I just feel so free it 's as if I could be anyone I wanted to be , " I said . " There 's Carly 's boyfriend , Mike . He 's an ok guy . I wouldn 't consider him one of my best friends , but it 's important to Carly that I like him , so I do , " I said . " Well Aaron , from what I 've gathered there is no need for you to be in therapy . You are perfectly normal in every visual way . I 'll write up a dismissal form for you to turn in at the administrator 's office on campus … unless you want to tell me something else ? " she asked . We sat down at one of the picnic tables that were scattered around the campus . Carly dug right into her food but I just sat there playing with mine with my fork . The fork got stuck and I ended up flicking an olive into the air . I eyed her expression up and down . I was trying to tell if she was pulling my leg or if she was honestly suggesting this . She noticed me studying her face and stared back at me with a raised eyebrow . " Quite possibly , but more importantly I 'm actually serious . You 're so bitter and sarcastic all the time . You never actually talk about what 's bothering you , " she said . After Carly took off to her Philosophy class , I decided to walk around campus . My thought train was on several different tracks as it always was . The first track stayed focused on what I would talk about with the counselor . Would she ask me questions again , or would I have to come up with stuff on my own ? What if I couldn 't think of anything to say ? Did it really matter ? I shook my head at the thought . It didn 't matter at all because it wasn 't necessary . It 's not like there 's anything wrong with me . What 's a psychiatrist going to tell me that I don 't already know ? Whatever , it was for Carly anyway . As long as she was content with me then I was happy . She has no need to worry about me , and this was the only way to prove it to her . My second track was thinking about Rachel . Not about her death , but who she really was . I tried to come up with a picture of what her life was like before she killed herself . The news report said her brother and three of her friends were there when she did it . They said she tried to kill one of them , but her brother stopped her . It made me think that her brother was really close to her and meant a lot to her . But why would she kill herself instead of get help ? Did she really not want to live anymore or did she feel so ashamed about what she did that her brother wouldn 't love her anymore ? It was a sad thought , but I figured anyone who is desperate enough to kill themselves if it meant the pain would stop then she was beyond help . It was a sad thought sure , but it didn 't make me sad . Her brother must have had it rough though . If I had a brother or a sister , then I would probably be able to imagine what he felt . But I didn 't , so I didn 't care very much . My third track was about all the new people moving into the dorms after what happened . There were so few people living in the dorms before that I was able to live alone , but now I was being assigned a roommate . Joy . Another person that I have to socialize with every day , just what I wanted . I finally jumped off my thought train and looked at my watch realizing that it was 1 : 30 already . I decided to head back to the dorm and wait for my new roommate . When I walked past the main Administrator 's Office , I turned the corner sharply and accidentally bumped into someone . I hit my head against theirs and fell down on my ass . He lowered his hand towards me to lift me up . I rubbed my head with my left hand as I took his extended arm with my right . He pulled me up and steadied me . As my vision refocused I was able to see his face . He had a pair of bright green eyes fixated on me while I regained my balance . I took a step forward and wobbled a little . He grabbed my shoulder and laughed a little . Once I got my balance back I laughed a little as well and shook my head . " You want me to walk with you and make sure you don 't pass out ? " he asked flashing me his bright smile . We walked across the campus together , every now and then I would stumble a little and he caught me before I tripped over myself . Each time I did it he let out a chuckle . I probably looked like a complete idiot . We were about halfway across the campus when he started talking to me randomly . I looked up at him and admired him a little . I wasn 't a very creative person , and I respected those that were . I couldn 't draw anything to save my life , but I like looking at the work of those that could . He looked at me as we stopped outside of the north dorm building . His bright hazel eyes glimmered in the light from the sun . I studied them as discretely as I could and noticed that there was a hint of gold around the edges . He smiled and revealed a set of bright white teeth that would make a dentist jealous . I didn 't know what he was smiling at , so I raised an eyebrow at him . As he walked away , I tried to study what made him tick , and what made those thoughts slip out of my mind . Even with Carly , I kept all of my sarcasm in my head so I didn 't offend her at all . There was something different about Luke that I couldn 't quite put my finger on . He was like a book full of analogies and metaphors that made my brain itch . He was confusing and yet , I felt like I understood him at the same time . The only thing I didn 't understand was that bizarre question and answer session while we were walking . Did he honestly care if I was ok even though he just met me ? That had to be it ; and that officially made him tomorrow 's problem . Today 's problem was probably already upstairs unpacking it 's shit , and I had to go meet it and make nice with it for the rest of the semester . He was probably some weak little brainiac that was so afraid of the world that he had to move in with the big boys . It 's just what I needed this semester ; to be some pathetic genius ' bodyguard . I flopped down on my bed and closed my eyes for a moment . My thoughts instantly drifted to Lucas … I mean Luke . What was his deal ? No one could be that nice to someone they just met . Fuck , now I was obsessing . I opened my eyes and rubbed the spot on my forehead where his head hit mine . Just then the door popped open and my new roommate stepped inside , followed closely by that awkward moment . I think I 'm going to like this story ! Off to a really great start . I think I have a feeling who Aaron 's new roommate is going to be BTW , I LOVED Graduation ! ! ! You have such compelling storylines and I have a feeling I won 't be disappointed with this one either . Can 't wait for more ! ! already I have noticed some parallels ! rachel killed herself in " Graduation " and also had a brother who was concerned - - same here . I 'm guessing lucas / luke is the love interest ? he has sparking green eyes ( and a killer smile ) , just like Cameron . Reply With Quote July 18th , 2009 , 10 : 56 PM Hmmm ! Haven 't read " Graduation " . . . yet ! . . . but , I 'm liking this one . . . a LOT ! PLEASE keep up the great work ! I 'm definitely looking forward to reading more of YOU ! Very interesting perspective ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote July 19th , 2009 , 01 : 16 AM How great to sign on today and see one of my favorite authors had started a new story . I like the approach this one has and as ASDF pointed out , there are the parallels with " Graduation . " Who would have thought that a tragic event such as Rachael killing herself would have such a wide effect on someone that didn 't even know her . I can tell this is going to be as brilliant a story as " Graduation " but with an entirely new cast of characters . Looking forward to a long read . already I have noticed some parallels ! rachel killed herself in " Graduation " and also had a brother who was concerned - - same here . I 'm guessing lucas / luke is the love interest ? he has sparking green eyes ( and a killer smile ) , just like Cameron . Oops looks like I overlooked something while I was editing . His eyes were supposed to be Hazel . I guess I just missed that one And I 'm glad you guys like it so far . I 'm gonna start chapter two today and hopefully be finished soon . Thanks for the support guys ! Great start ! I really enjoyed " Graduation " , I think I 'll like this story too . Looking forward to chapter 2 already ! Reply With Quote July 23rd , 2009 , 05 : 34 AM ITC this is a great beginning . Looking forward to more . I know that it will be just as fantastic as Graduation and I think you know by now that that story was the greatest . H & K " He 's ok . He 's kinda quiet though . After he unpacked he just sat at his desk playing games on his computer , " I said . Henry and I were sitting in the Student Hall on campus . The building was amazing . It had a big sitting / study area on the main floor , a library on the second floor , and a bunch of little shops , food places , and even a bowling alley in the underground area . I sat on my favorite couch in the room and Henry sat in the armchair sitting adjacent to me . I turned around and looked at the doors behind me . Jonathan was standing there looking awkwardly into the crowd for a place to sit down . I couldn 't help but feel sorry for him . He honestly looked like a guy who just needed a friend . He turned his head and saw me staring at him , so I gave a kind of half wave at him . He looked away instantly and walked towards the stairs . Jonathan stopped dead in his tracks . He looked over at us and saw Henry waving him over to our area . I could see his hesitation and smell his fear from where I was sitting . I nodded at him when he turned his dark brown eyes to me . After a moment of awkward pause , he shifted his feet and walked slowly over to us . I found myself hating him a little bit . Not because he was so awkward , but because he didn 't seem to even want a social life . It was as if he was battling with himself on the inside , and I couldn 't tell if he was winning or losing . He was very difficult to read and for that , I couldn 't help but hate him . No one has been able to hide themselves from me for very long , but this kid was actually giving me a challenge . As he sat down on the opposite end of the couch I was sitting on , there was an awkward moment of silence between us . I gave a quick stink eye at him when he sat on my couch , but hid it before he or Henry could see it . I turned my attention to my laptop which had the website , Fmylife open . Henry noticed my shift in focus and started talking to Jonathan . Tuning out their conversation , I retreated into my thoughts . I nodded at appropriate times and feigned interest like I always did . To be honest , the conversations about this Rachel girl were getting repetitive . Someone who had minimal interaction with her would find someone else who had even less interaction with her and express what a " shock " it was when it happened . I was a little surprised when my thoughts crossed over the pain in my forehead , and suddenly all I could think of was Lucas . He perplexed me . He seemed to genuinely care about my wellbeing , but yet he didn 't ask for my number or ask to walk me up to my room or whatever . I concluded on the thought that he really didn 't care , and that he was just making sure I didn 't want to sue him or anything . My thoughts were interrupted by Henry 's voice . * * * Walking into the club , I heard the sounds of my favorite band , Paramore . Carly immediately began dancing to the tune of Crushcrushcrush as we were walking down the stairs to the main floor of the club . She flung her dark brown hair around in sync with the beat of the song and she pulled Mike out to the dance floor . Henry and I sat at the bar and saw Jonathan walking down the stairs . He was closely followed by Lucas and his eyes magnetically stuck to mine from across the room . I saw a smile creep across his face . He and Jonathan made their way over to the bar , but our eyes never separated . His were full of amusement , while mine were filled with annoyance . I gave him a glare and he burst into laughter . Jonathan and Henry broke off and started chatting while Lucas and I had a couple drinks . Lucas and I just sat at the bar talking about the music they were playing . I sat there stunned for a moment . No way were he and I in the same place at the same time worshiping the same band . I must have been staring for a few minutes because he broke me out of my trance by waving his hand in my face . We sat there as the final line of a song neither of us was paying attention to finished . Eagerly awaiting the next song to play , I looked around and noticed that everyone else was gone . The DJ shut off the sound system and the bartender told us they were closing in a few minutes . We stared at each other with wide eyes and disbelief . He got off his stool and motioned towards the staircase . I wiped my hands on my jeans and walked past him up the stairs . The cool , crisp air outside felt refreshing after being inside for God knows how long . I stretched a bit as Lucas emerged out of the stairway and chuckled at me . He smiled at me and I smiled back . It was then that I realized that I was doing exactly what I didn 't want to do . Acting on instinct , my mind took over and I broke this moment between us . I tried desperately to think of a rational excuse to keep from walking back with him , but failed miserably . I just nodded and walked beside him , not saying a word the whole mile and a half to the dorm . He tried to talk to me , but I made it very clear that I was " too tired to think " so he gave up after the third avoided question . We walked up the stairs of the dorm building and stood outside my room for a moment . Lucas burst into laughter that carried across the courtyard . We walked into the other dorm building and up the stairs to the third floor where Lucas ' room was . This building was much younger and nicer than the one I was living in . We walked into the room and my jaw nearly fell off when I saw the interior . It was at least twice as big as my room , and he didn 't even have a roommate . I went into the bathroom to take a piss and change and I came out to see him already under his covers . I walked softly over to the bed and sat down on it . As usual , I went over the day 's events in my head as a way of cataloguing any significance in any moment . I stopped at the brief moment between Lucas and I outside the club and couldn 't decide if that was significant . Without thinking , I blurted out a question to Lucas . I turned over and lay down on the bed . I stared at the ceiling and kept thinking about that exchange of smiles . As much as I disliked the idea , I had found a new friend in Lucas Harper . That wasn 't what was bothering me though . The issue I was bumping up against was whether or not I would drive him away . He was so different from the people I was friends with . Carly and Henry were just as closed of as I was … I mean am . But Lucas has a warming quality that I was afraid of breaking . I turned over , facing away from Lucas , and started drifting off to sleep . I could hear him lightly snoring from his bed behind me , and for the first time in a while , I let out a genuine laugh . It wasn 't forced or fake . And that 's when I realized that I actually liked Lucas . I was friends with Henry because we were in the same social group and had similar taste in music . I was friends with Carly because we 've been together nearly since birth . And right now , I couldn 't really tell if I actually liked either of them . THANK YOU ! , itc ! Excellent ! Been waiting for this 2nd chapter , and , in the mean time , read " Graduation " ! Now I understand the " tie in " here . Fantastic ! ! I 'm truly enjoying your writing style ! And , especially appreciate your including Aaron 's " inner conversation " with himself . Definitely looking forward to more ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote August 10th , 2009 , 11 : 44 AM Happy to see an addition to the story . I am certain Aaron and Lucas are going to be very good friends . . . . . . . . . . . . hopefully more . Like Littletosay , I wonder if Henry and Jonathan are getting to know each other . . . lol Great chapter ITC ! I felt the vibrations of my phone beneath my pillow . It was just loud enough to wake me , but not enough to stir Lucas out of his sleep . I slowly and quietly changed clothes and left his room . The sun was barely coming up and all I could think of was how much I missed my mother . I clutched the locket that hid beneath my shirt as my breathing became heavy with grief . I looked away from the sunrise and just walked around for a little while . I felt bad for leaving Lucas like that , but it was pointless for me to let myself get close to someone else . I listened to the voice in my head telling me that I had enough . Any more than what I already have would just make things harder . I would have just left it at that , but then I heard a voice I hadn 't heard in a long time . There was a name I hadn 't thought of in years . He was a lot like Lucas , or at least what I 've witnessed from Lucas so far . We complemented each other like cheese and macaroni . Everyone thought we were twins because between the two of us , we knew everything . We were like two halves of an apple . At least , until his dad 's company relocated his family to a small town three states away . That was about two years before I met Henry . If it weren 't for Carly I wouldn 't have even had Henry . But life has been hard enough since then , I don 't need someone else who I am certain will cause me pain one day . The argument in my mind subsided as I once again listened to my negativity and decided that Lucas was too good for me to even try to be his friend . I passed through the doors of my dorm building and saw Henry laying on one of the couches in the lounge . He looked totally smashed from last night . I walked up to him and flicked his ear . When I got him up to his dorm room , I went back downstairs to mine to see if Jonathan was still there . I looked at my watch and it was now 7 : 30 a . m . I poked my head into the room and saw that no one was inside . It reeked of sex so I grabbed the air freshener and just blasted it around the room . I sat on my bed and dropped my head into my hands for a moment . I actually didn 't know Henry as well as I thought . He could have done it himself , but I didn 't want to believe it . I especially didn 't want to because it was our usually breakfast day . It was the only morning the three of us had off at the same time , so we went to the local IHOP and caught up with the week 's events . I shoved my sausages into my mouth and listened to Carly drone on about her and Mike . I honestly couldn 't care less , but as usual I feigned interest and kept any conflict to a minimum . At any second I expected my thoughts to drift away from Carly incessant yammering . And there it was . I forgot my wallet . I don 't even remember where I put it . I felt around all my pockets and nothing . Thankfully it was Carly 's day to pay so I didn 't have to worry as much . * * * I sat down in my chair near the door and planted my face in my arms . I absolutely hated this class . Well , more the professor than the class . He and I were total opposites and we viewed the world completely differently . We constantly argued about the " meaning " of everything since I just believe that the world is in constant chaos and things just happen . We never agreed on anything and being the asshole I am , I always had to argue my point until both of us gave up , or he kicked me out of the class . He walked away towards the back of the room . I saw him sit down in the back row and felt a rush of guilt overwhelm me . I got up and went to sit next to him . " I just assigned a report . You partner up with someone you don 't know or barely know and study them . Then you write a full report about why you think they are the way they are , " he said . I looked at Lucas and he looked back at me . A smile began to penetrate the stern look on his face that he was holding for so long , but he quickly stopped it . I held up my hand to ask a question and Robbins took a deep breath . I smiled when he turned away . I don 't know what made me feel better , freaking out the entire class , or having an academic reason to be friends with Lucas . I turned to Lucas with the smile still on my face and saw the shock on his . He stared at me in disbelief as I chuckled at everyone 's confusion . When class was dismissed , Lucas and I walked towards the parking lot together . There was silence between us that I wanted him to be the one to break . I wanted to think of something to say , but my mind was running on empty . " I 'm sorry , I really can 't . I promised Carly I 'd go see that counselor again . I have to go around 6 : 30 . " I said . I was . The first genuine smile on my face in two years , and Lucas was causing it . I had no idea what that actually meant . I just knew that I wanted to be around Lucas as much as I possibly could . We sat down at one of the tables outside . The light breeze swept through the little junction of stores . Lucas jumped face first into his sandwich while I slowly picked at my pasta . " Ok , " I said pulling the small locket out from under my shirt collar , " This locket belonged to my mother . She bought it one day when we went to Sea World . She always loved dolphins and when she saw this … she said it was the third time in her life that she was absolutely certain about something she wanted . " " I found it one day shortly before I left for school , and I put a picture of her in it . I wear it everyday to remind myself that what I 'm doing is important for me . No matter how far away I am , when I 'm wearing this locket I feel like I 'm right where I belong . " " Alright well , when I was a kid I always wanted to have a dog . My neighbor had a Doberman puppy and I was absolutely in love with it . But my dad was crazy allergic to dog hair , so we couldn 't have one , " he said . " Yeah … so anyway , when I was like 8 or 9 , my dad had a business trip up in Lake Tahoe , so my parents decided to just make it into a family vacation since it was during the summer . My mom and I were walking down a little junction of stores and I walked by this toy store . I looked in the window and saw this little Doberman Beanie Baby , " he said . " I know , I know , guys and Beanie Babies just don 't really mix , but I was just a kid . I begged my mom for like 20 minutes to buy it for me until she was finally convinced that it would keep me from begging for a real dog . As soon as I got it in my arms , I was never apart from it . I loved that dog so much , " he said . I looked at Lucas completely differently . The compassion and kindness that he had wasn 't something he did voluntarily . From his story , I could tell that it was just natural for him . I smiled back at him and nodded . At that moment , it was like everything slowed down . I looked into his bright hazel eyes and saw the vulnerability . I wasn 't looking at his vulnerability , but I could see myself in the reflection of his eyes . I was looking at mine . I had never told anyone about the locket I held with me everyday . I never reached that level of connection with anyone . And yet , here I sat with a near stranger , and I just spilled information about one of my greatest possessions without much provocation from him . It was like that deal between us established a trust that would take most people years to build . We instantly had a " You give , I give " connection . It felt amazing not only to trust someone so easily , but also to be trusted by that person with the same level of ease . I felt different , almost refreshed . I could feel the changes happening inside me . The warmth I locked away so many years ago was bubbling to the surface and pushing out the cold , logical , and emotionless version of me . That was an amazing chapter . I 'm really feeling for Luke and Aaron now . Hopefully they 'll get to be better friends . . . if Aaron 's head doesn 't do him in . What a great story - so well written ! I love the way you let us in to AAron 's inner voices . . . and I could feel the connection happening - blossoming ! I am an incurable romantic - I am loving this ! ! ! Hugs ! Reply With Quote August 15th , 2009 , 09 : 00 PM That was a wonderfully warm and touching chapter . Trust like that does not come easily . I have a feeling Aaron is going to be a little more reasonable with the counselor . He has something important to relay this time . Luke has that inner connection that anyone would be happy to share . Obviously he has some of the same concerns regarding friendships that Aaron has . I like the way things are going in this story . Eager to read the next chapter . Hey guys , so this chapter is a bit shorter but I wanted to get this part out of the way as soon as possible . I think I 've allowed you all get a better feel for Aaron in this chapter and I 'm going to bring in a few subtle hints and a few not so subtle hints with the next few chapters . Enjoy Wings of A Butterfly Veronica looked at me through her black rimmed glasses as I sat in the chair across from her . I subtly looked around the room to try and get a read on her in case I needed some ammo . She offered me a glass of tea , which I reluctantly accepted . Veronica examined me for a moment , as if to check for subtle hints that could actually lead her somewhere . She picked up her cup and sipped at her tea with her eyes closed . When she opened her eyes it was like a fire had been lit in her soul . She held more energy in them , as if she found something she could use . " I believe you agreed because you value your relationship with Carly , but you 're afraid of feeling vulnerable with another human being . So you fight them every step of the way , but you still end up doing things for them . You do it so you appear to care about them , but to also tell them that you wish you didn 't , " she said . " You think you know me after talking to me twice ? Well let me tell you something , you don 't know a thing about me . So you can sit up here in your little room with all your credentials hanging up on the wall and listen to other people complain about their problems . But me , I 'm going out there . I 'm going to do something that actually matters to the world . So you can take your assumptions about me and shove them up your ass because you have no idea why I am the way that I am . " I bolted out of my seat and stormed over towards the door . She was up and at the door faster than I could reach it . She held her hand against the door as I was trying to open it and storm out of the room . She looked calmly into my eyes and somehow forced the rage that was boiling under my skin to subside . She slowly walked back to her seat . As she sat down she motioned toward the chair for me to sit back down . I turned to face her and crossed my arms . " Before you can face whatever makes you afraid of connecting with other people , you need to tell at least one person what it is , " she said , " It doesn 't have to be me , it can be anyone . But until you tell someone , you 'll always be afraid of it . You 'll keep pushing people out of your life just as you 're about to get close to them . " Defeated , I walked back over to the chair across from her . I stared directly into her dark blue eyes . There was no anger or judgment in them . There was no hostility or restraint in mine either . I couldn 't see it , but I definitely felt it . " Aaron , there is no need for an apology . What you did was a classic outburst . In a way , it made it easier to see who you really are underneath this façade you portray , " she said . She looked up at me with confusion on her face . Her lips pursed and her brow wrinkled with intense thought . I noticed her right hand start flipping her pen around her fingers , something that my Psych professor said people do when they are working something over in their mind . She paused for a second . She put down her sandwich and kept her eyes low . She placed her arms on the table across her chest . Her eyes slowly looked up into mine and examined me for a moment . " Aaron , you haven 't been involved with any girl that I know of since I met you . You haven 't given any reason to believe that you 're straight . You 've never even stated whether you were straight or not . So yeah , I can believe that she may have thought so . " I grabbed my things and walked away . The wind was blowing gently , so I decided to follow it and see where it took me . I really didn 't care . It was Friday afternoon , and two days since I last saw Lucas . Me , being the idiot that I am , forgot to get his number . And both times I knocked on his door were not answered . I was walking by the Science and Health Studies building when a door opened and nearly hit me in the face . A crowd of students flew out the door and poured into the courtyard . Politely , I held the door open and waited for every last one of them to leave the room . The last person to leave was the last person I expected it to be . I rolled my eyes and pushed his shoulder . I didn 't even know where we were walking to , but we ended up at the east parking lot . I looked around for a moment in silence while standing next to Lucas waiting for the crosswalk to turn . He smiled and walked across the street with his golden hair being brushed by the light wind . As he walked away , I noticed he was slightly limping . I pushed it into the back of my mind for now and walked off towards the corner store with a small grin on my face . Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote August 17th , 2009 , 09 : 50 AM That was a very thought provoking chapter . It 's obvious Aaron can 't always stay on his sarcastic path . The counselor broke through and Luke has as well . He 's really not a bad ass after all . Now he has to come to terms with his sexuality and I hope Luke will begin that journey with him soon . Thanks for the update and looking for the next . Thanks for the speedy update . . . if only I could crank out quality work that quickly haha . I 'm VERY excited for the next chapter and to find out what this limp was all about . More more more ! ! ! Irish I knocked on his door three times , each knock slightly lower on the door than the other . I never noticed that I did it until now . Something about Lucas made me more aware of anything I did . Even my little weird things like my knock . The pizza in my left hand was starting to make my palm sweat , or at least that 's what I convinced myself was making it sweat . He opened the door and smiled at me . I opened the box and we each grabbed a slice . I sat back down in his chair and he flopped down on his bed and ate the slice in seconds . I laughed at him and he smiled awkwardly at me . A moment of silence passed between us as we ate . His eyes were glued to the ground and I could tell he was thinking of something that he wasn 't sure about saying . After I finished my slice , I took a deep breath . " Well it got me thinking , " he said , " And I thought about it all day . I 'm not trying to pry you for information or anything , but if you want we could make another deal . You tell me something , I 'll tell you something . " Lucas sat up and sat on the edge of his bed . He stared into my eyes and somehow , I felt a little better . The pain in my chest went away and I was able to hold the tears back a little better than before . " I came home from school one day and found her unconscious in the kitchen . I called 911 but it was too late . I found my mother dead that day . " " She worked so hard for me . She worked so hard to give me a good life … " I said , " But she never thought about what would happen to me if she was gone . " That did it . The tears pushed themselves out of my eyes and I fell forward into myself . Lucas stood up and kneeled down in front of me and caught me before I collapsed . He held me and I cried on his shoulder . " Aaron , that 's ok , " he said . He pulled me away from him and looked directly into my eyes . He placed both hands firmly , but gently , on my shoulders . " She obviously didn 't want you to know until it happened , " he said , " She was probably so scared about leaving you . She probably didn 't want you to have to live every single day in fear , and then have grief on top of that feeling after she died . It 's not wrong for you to be angry , but she probably didn 't tell you because of what knowing that she was going to die would do to you . " He looked firmly into my eyes . I could see his fixation , and from that I could tell that he did genuinely care about me . In my mind , I saw myself drowning . I couldn 't keep myself afloat , even though I had people around me trying to pull me out of the water . I was just about to give up and let myself fall beneath the surface , when I felt a hand grab my arm and lift me up . I looked into the eyes of my rescuer . The bright hazel colored eyes that penetrated my soul and brought down every barrier I had built . I looked back into his eyes and felt the pain be washed away . The tears stopped and I regained my composition . I took several deep breaths and calmed myself down . I sat up straight , never looking away from Lucas ' eyes . They made me feel safe . I nodded at him , but remained silent . I didn 't know what to do now . This was the most vulnerable I 've ever felt in my life . For the first time since my mom 's funeral , I cried in front of another person . I knew he felt the tension boiling inside me , so he wrapped his arms around me again to comfort me . I got up and put the movie in and pressed play . I sat back into the chair and he moved back onto his bed . I noticed he kept looking at me as if I were about to shatter into a million pieces . He walked over to his bookshelf , and I noticed his slight limp again . He turned around smiling with the case of October Sky in his hands . I must have had a worried look on my face or something because his smile disappeared and his eyes glazed over a bit . " It 's ok , " he said , " I talked to Jonathan this morning and he told me everything . He seemed so proud of it , so I yelled at him . Then he said , ' It 's not like I raped him or anything , ' and the next thing I knew , my fist flew into his face . I knocked him on the ground and he kicked me in the hip when I leaned in to help him up . " I smiled at him and he smiled back . At that moment , I felt like we were floating in a space of nothingness . There was nothing to worry about except whether or not we were flying or falling . That 's how it was with Lucas . I could be flying or falling , and it would make no difference to me . It was a challenge to be open with him , but at the same time I felt completely safe . We watched the movie in near silence . Apparently we both loved this movie so much that we could nearly recite the script . I swear at one point I saw him mouthing some of the words . But he just blushed and looked away from me . Lucas made me feel different than my other friends did . I didn 't have to worry about what I said or how I said it . I didn 't have to worry about whether or not I stepped on his toes . I didn 't have to worry about anything really . All I had to do was be myself and let him see my vulnerable side every once in a while . * * * It was nearly 11 at night when I got back to my dorm room . Jonathan was sitting at his desk . I could see very clearly where Lucas clocked him . I couldn 't help but smirk a little about it . " Look you little shit , " I said , " I really don 't care if you do drugs . You can OD on the shit for all I care . But if you EVER slip any of my friends any drugs again without them knowing about it , I swear to God I will rip off your balls and shove em down your throat . " " Do you have any idea what I did to people like you at my high school ? " I asked , " Well it would be NOTHING compared to what I would do to you if you came within 5 feet of Henry ever again . Do you understand me ? " He nodded with fear . I released my grip on his shirt and walked away from him . I didn 't hear him move at all , but when I looked back he was opening the door to leave . Wow ! How great to see Aaron being so vulnerable in telling Luke about his mother . Trusting another person so deeply takes a lot of fortitude . Then , along with Luke , being so protective of another friend . A maturity is growing within him and it suits him well . I like that he and Luke are bonding so well . Awesome chapter , ITC . Great work , ITC ! I love how comfortable he 's becoming with Luke . I can really feel this story going somewhere great ! I also enjoyed how both of them stood up for Henry , especially Aaron who only had Luke 's word on the matter . Aw ! THAT is Fantastic ! ! This is a Good story , itc ! THANK YOU ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote Page 1 of 9

Hey guys , so as promised I 've started on a new story . I 've been tweaking it for a couple days now , and I think it 's finally ready for public eyes . I wanna give a quick thanks to everyone who read and supported Graduation . And those who didn 't , well you should go read it : Graduation The clock that hung from the wall ticked loudly through the silence as the pendulum swung from side to side . I had probably been sitting there for 3 minutes without saying a word . What could I say though ? There was nothing on my mind and she seemed stubborn enough to not be the first one to break the silence between us . " Well , it 's really nothing huge . It 's just a bunch of little things . Homework , tests , social ties … stuff like that , " I said . The woman gently uncrossed and re - crossed her legs as she took a sip of her coffee . She stared at me beneath rectangular , black - rimmed glasses as if to signal me to continue . I really didn 't know what to say . I wasn 't even here by my own choice . Stupid school requirements were forcing me to come here . Apparently , when one student kills themselves , every other student must be suicidal as well . " I don 't know . I try to remind myself that I 'm actually doing pretty well in life . I think about that girl Rachel , the one who shot herself , and I just think about how messed up things must have been for her , " I said . " Not really , no . I mean , I didn 't actually know her so her death doesn 't make me sad . But I feel compassion for the people that cared about her . I 've seen them around and they look pretty fucked up , " I said . " It 's fine . No one is going to get mad at you here . I can have a fucking dirty mouth too sometimes , " she said with a smile . I smiled back at her , but it was just a courtesy smile . I really didn 't think I belonged here . On the outside , I was just a normal college student trying his best to do well in life . On the inside , I didn 't really care about much . All over , I was just your typical everyday teenager who just wanted to fit in and be accepted . " She 's great . We 've been friends since Junior High . She brings out the best kind of person in me . When I 'm around her , I just feel so free it 's as if I could be anyone I wanted to be , " I said . " There 's Carly 's boyfriend , Mike . He 's an ok guy . I wouldn 't consider him one of my best friends , but it 's important to Carly that I like him , so I do , " I said . " Well Aaron , from what I 've gathered there is no need for you to be in therapy . You are perfectly normal in every visual way . I 'll write up a dismissal form for you to turn in at the administrator 's office on campus … unless you want to tell me something else ? " she asked . We sat down at one of the picnic tables that were scattered around the campus . Carly dug right into her food but I just sat there playing with mine with my fork . The fork got stuck and I ended up flicking an olive into the air . I eyed her expression up and down . I was trying to tell if she was pulling my leg or if she was honestly suggesting this . She noticed me studying her face and stared back at me with a raised eyebrow . " Quite possibly , but more importantly I 'm actually serious . You 're so bitter and sarcastic all the time . You never actually talk about what 's bothering you , " she said . After Carly took off to her Philosophy class , I decided to walk around campus . My thought train was on several different tracks as it always was . The first track stayed focused on what I would talk about with the counselor . Would she ask me questions again , or would I have to come up with stuff on my own ? What if I couldn 't think of anything to say ? Did it really matter ? I shook my head at the thought . It didn 't matter at all because it wasn 't necessary . It 's not like there 's anything wrong with me . What 's a psychiatrist going to tell me that I don 't already know ? Whatever , it was for Carly anyway . As long as she was content with me then I was happy . She has no need to worry about me , and this was the only way to prove it to her . My second track was thinking about Rachel . Not about her death , but who she really was . I tried to come up with a picture of what her life was like before she killed herself . The news report said her brother and three of her friends were there when she did it . They said she tried to kill one of them , but her brother stopped her . It made me think that her brother was really close to her and meant a lot to her . But why would she kill herself instead of get help ? Did she really not want to live anymore or did she feel so ashamed about what she did that her brother wouldn 't love her anymore ? It was a sad thought , but I figured anyone who is desperate enough to kill themselves if it meant the pain would stop then she was beyond help . It was a sad thought sure , but it didn 't make me sad . Her brother must have had it rough though . If I had a brother or a sister , then I would probably be able to imagine what he felt . But I didn 't , so I didn 't care very much . My third track was about all the new people moving into the dorms after what happened . There were so few people living in the dorms before that I was able to live alone , but now I was being assigned a roommate . Joy . Another person that I have to socialize with every day , just what I wanted . I finally jumped off my thought train and looked at my watch realizing that it was 1 : 30 already . I decided to head back to the dorm and wait for my new roommate . When I walked past the main Administrator 's Office , I turned the corner sharply and accidentally bumped into someone . I hit my head against theirs and fell down on my ass . He lowered his hand towards me to lift me up . I rubbed my head with my left hand as I took his extended arm with my right . He pulled me up and steadied me . As my vision refocused I was able to see his face . He had a pair of bright green eyes fixated on me while I regained my balance . I took a step forward and wobbled a little . He grabbed my shoulder and laughed a little . Once I got my balance back I laughed a little as well and shook my head . " You want me to walk with you and make sure you don 't pass out ? " he asked flashing me his bright smile . We walked across the campus together , every now and then I would stumble a little and he caught me before I tripped over myself . Each time I did it he let out a chuckle . I probably looked like a complete idiot . We were about halfway across the campus when he started talking to me randomly . I looked up at him and admired him a little . I wasn 't a very creative person , and I respected those that were . I couldn 't draw anything to save my life , but I like looking at the work of those that could . He looked at me as we stopped outside of the north dorm building . His bright hazel eyes glimmered in the light from the sun . I studied them as discretely as I could and noticed that there was a hint of gold around the edges . He smiled and revealed a set of bright white teeth that would make a dentist jealous . I didn 't know what he was smiling at , so I raised an eyebrow at him . As he walked away , I tried to study what made him tick , and what made those thoughts slip out of my mind . Even with Carly , I kept all of my sarcasm in my head so I didn 't offend her at all . There was something different about Luke that I couldn 't quite put my finger on . He was like a book full of analogies and metaphors that made my brain itch . He was confusing and yet , I felt like I understood him at the same time . The only thing I didn 't understand was that bizarre question and answer session while we were walking . Did he honestly care if I was ok even though he just met me ? That had to be it ; and that officially made him tomorrow 's problem . Today 's problem was probably already upstairs unpacking it 's shit , and I had to go meet it and make nice with it for the rest of the semester . He was probably some weak little brainiac that was so afraid of the world that he had to move in with the big boys . It 's just what I needed this semester ; to be some pathetic genius ' bodyguard . I flopped down on my bed and closed my eyes for a moment . My thoughts instantly drifted to Lucas … I mean Luke . What was his deal ? No one could be that nice to someone they just met . Fuck , now I was obsessing . I opened my eyes and rubbed the spot on my forehead where his head hit mine . Just then the door popped open and my new roommate stepped inside , followed closely by that awkward moment . I think I 'm going to like this story ! Off to a really great start . I think I have a feeling who Aaron 's new roommate is going to be BTW , I LOVED Graduation ! ! ! You have such compelling storylines and I have a feeling I won 't be disappointed with this one either . Can 't wait for more ! ! already I have noticed some parallels ! rachel killed herself in " Graduation " and also had a brother who was concerned - - same here . I 'm guessing lucas / luke is the love interest ? he has sparking green eyes ( and a killer smile ) , just like Cameron . Reply With Quote July 18th , 2009 , 10 : 56 PM Hmmm ! Haven 't read " Graduation " . . . yet ! . . . but , I 'm liking this one . . . a LOT ! PLEASE keep up the great work ! I 'm definitely looking forward to reading more of YOU ! Very interesting perspective ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote July 19th , 2009 , 01 : 16 AM How great to sign on today and see one of my favorite authors had started a new story . I like the approach this one has and as ASDF pointed out , there are the parallels with " Graduation . " Who would have thought that a tragic event such as Rachael killing herself would have such a wide effect on someone that didn 't even know her . I can tell this is going to be as brilliant a story as " Graduation " but with an entirely new cast of characters . Looking forward to a long read . already I have noticed some parallels ! rachel killed herself in " Graduation " and also had a brother who was concerned - - same here . I 'm guessing lucas / luke is the love interest ? he has sparking green eyes ( and a killer smile ) , just like Cameron . Oops looks like I overlooked something while I was editing . His eyes were supposed to be Hazel . I guess I just missed that one And I 'm glad you guys like it so far . I 'm gonna start chapter two today and hopefully be finished soon . Thanks for the support guys ! Great start ! I really enjoyed " Graduation " , I think I 'll like this story too . Looking forward to chapter 2 already ! Reply With Quote July 23rd , 2009 , 05 : 34 AM ITC this is a great beginning . Looking forward to more . I know that it will be just as fantastic as Graduation and I think you know by now that that story was the greatest . H & K " He 's ok . He 's kinda quiet though . After he unpacked he just sat at his desk playing games on his computer , " I said . Henry and I were sitting in the Student Hall on campus . The building was amazing . It had a big sitting / study area on the main floor , a library on the second floor , and a bunch of little shops , food places , and even a bowling alley in the underground area . I sat on my favorite couch in the room and Henry sat in the armchair sitting adjacent to me . I turned around and looked at the doors behind me . Jonathan was standing there looking awkwardly into the crowd for a place to sit down . I couldn 't help but feel sorry for him . He honestly looked like a guy who just needed a friend . He turned his head and saw me staring at him , so I gave a kind of half wave at him . He looked away instantly and walked towards the stairs . Jonathan stopped dead in his tracks . He looked over at us and saw Henry waving him over to our area . I could see his hesitation and smell his fear from where I was sitting . I nodded at him when he turned his dark brown eyes to me . After a moment of awkward pause , he shifted his feet and walked slowly over to us . I found myself hating him a little bit . Not because he was so awkward , but because he didn 't seem to even want a social life . It was as if he was battling with himself on the inside , and I couldn 't tell if he was winning or losing . He was very difficult to read and for that , I couldn 't help but hate him . No one has been able to hide themselves from me for very long , but this kid was actually giving me a challenge . As he sat down on the opposite end of the couch I was sitting on , there was an awkward moment of silence between us . I gave a quick stink eye at him when he sat on my couch , but hid it before he or Henry could see it . I turned my attention to my laptop which had the website , Fmylife open . Henry noticed my shift in focus and started talking to Jonathan . Tuning out their conversation , I retreated into my thoughts . I nodded at appropriate times and feigned interest like I always did . To be honest , the conversations about this Rachel girl were getting repetitive . Someone who had minimal interaction with her would find someone else who had even less interaction with her and express what a " shock " it was when it happened . I was a little surprised when my thoughts crossed over the pain in my forehead , and suddenly all I could think of was Lucas . He perplexed me . He seemed to genuinely care about my wellbeing , but yet he didn 't ask for my number or ask to walk me up to my room or whatever . I concluded on the thought that he really didn 't care , and that he was just making sure I didn 't want to sue him or anything . My thoughts were interrupted by Henry 's voice . * * * Walking into the club , I heard the sounds of my favorite band , Paramore . Carly immediately began dancing to the tune of Crushcrushcrush as we were walking down the stairs to the main floor of the club . She flung her dark brown hair around in sync with the beat of the song and she pulled Mike out to the dance floor . Henry and I sat at the bar and saw Jonathan walking down the stairs . He was closely followed by Lucas and his eyes magnetically stuck to mine from across the room . I saw a smile creep across his face . He and Jonathan made their way over to the bar , but our eyes never separated . His were full of amusement , while mine were filled with annoyance . I gave him a glare and he burst into laughter . Jonathan and Henry broke off and started chatting while Lucas and I had a couple drinks . Lucas and I just sat at the bar talking about the music they were playing . I sat there stunned for a moment . No way were he and I in the same place at the same time worshiping the same band . I must have been staring for a few minutes because he broke me out of my trance by waving his hand in my face . We sat there as the final line of a song neither of us was paying attention to finished . Eagerly awaiting the next song to play , I looked around and noticed that everyone else was gone . The DJ shut off the sound system and the bartender told us they were closing in a few minutes . We stared at each other with wide eyes and disbelief . He got off his stool and motioned towards the staircase . I wiped my hands on my jeans and walked past him up the stairs . The cool , crisp air outside felt refreshing after being inside for God knows how long . I stretched a bit as Lucas emerged out of the stairway and chuckled at me . He smiled at me and I smiled back . It was then that I realized that I was doing exactly what I didn 't want to do . Acting on instinct , my mind took over and I broke this moment between us . I tried desperately to think of a rational excuse to keep from walking back with him , but failed miserably . I just nodded and walked beside him , not saying a word the whole mile and a half to the dorm . He tried to talk to me , but I made it very clear that I was " too tired to think " so he gave up after the third avoided question . We walked up the stairs of the dorm building and stood outside my room for a moment . Lucas burst into laughter that carried across the courtyard . We walked into the other dorm building and up the stairs to the third floor where Lucas ' room was . This building was much younger and nicer than the one I was living in . We walked into the room and my jaw nearly fell off when I saw the interior . It was at least twice as big as my room , and he didn 't even have a roommate . I went into the bathroom to take a piss and change and I came out to see him already under his covers . I walked softly over to the bed and sat down on it . As usual , I went over the day 's events in my head as a way of cataloguing any significance in any moment . I stopped at the brief moment between Lucas and I outside the club and couldn 't decide if that was significant . Without thinking , I blurted out a question to Lucas . I turned over and lay down on the bed . I stared at the ceiling and kept thinking about that exchange of smiles . As much as I disliked the idea , I had found a new friend in Lucas Harper . That wasn 't what was bothering me though . The issue I was bumping up against was whether or not I would drive him away . He was so different from the people I was friends with . Carly and Henry were just as closed of as I was … I mean am . But Lucas has a warming quality that I was afraid of breaking . I turned over , facing away from Lucas , and started drifting off to sleep . I could hear him lightly snoring from his bed behind me , and for the first time in a while , I let out a genuine laugh . It wasn 't forced or fake . And that 's when I realized that I actually liked Lucas . I was friends with Henry because we were in the same social group and had similar taste in music . I was friends with Carly because we 've been together nearly since birth . And right now , I couldn 't really tell if I actually liked either of them . THANK YOU ! , itc ! Excellent ! Been waiting for this 2nd chapter , and , in the mean time , read " Graduation " ! Now I understand the " tie in " here . Fantastic ! ! I 'm truly enjoying your writing style ! And , especially appreciate your including Aaron 's " inner conversation " with himself . Definitely looking forward to more ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote August 10th , 2009 , 11 : 44 AM Happy to see an addition to the story . I am certain Aaron and Lucas are going to be very good friends . . . . . . . . . . . . hopefully more . Like Littletosay , I wonder if Henry and Jonathan are getting to know each other . . . lol Great chapter ITC ! I felt the vibrations of my phone beneath my pillow . It was just loud enough to wake me , but not enough to stir Lucas out of his sleep . I slowly and quietly changed clothes and left his room . The sun was barely coming up and all I could think of was how much I missed my mother . I clutched the locket that hid beneath my shirt as my breathing became heavy with grief . I looked away from the sunrise and just walked around for a little while . I felt bad for leaving Lucas like that , but it was pointless for me to let myself get close to someone else . I listened to the voice in my head telling me that I had enough . Any more than what I already have would just make things harder . I would have just left it at that , but then I heard a voice I hadn 't heard in a long time . There was a name I hadn 't thought of in years . He was a lot like Lucas , or at least what I 've witnessed from Lucas so far . We complemented each other like cheese and macaroni . Everyone thought we were twins because between the two of us , we knew everything . We were like two halves of an apple . At least , until his dad 's company relocated his family to a small town three states away . That was about two years before I met Henry . If it weren 't for Carly I wouldn 't have even had Henry . But life has been hard enough since then , I don 't need someone else who I am certain will cause me pain one day . The argument in my mind subsided as I once again listened to my negativity and decided that Lucas was too good for me to even try to be his friend . I passed through the doors of my dorm building and saw Henry laying on one of the couches in the lounge . He looked totally smashed from last night . I walked up to him and flicked his ear . When I got him up to his dorm room , I went back downstairs to mine to see if Jonathan was still there . I looked at my watch and it was now 7 : 30 a . m . I poked my head into the room and saw that no one was inside . It reeked of sex so I grabbed the air freshener and just blasted it around the room . I sat on my bed and dropped my head into my hands for a moment . I actually didn 't know Henry as well as I thought . He could have done it himself , but I didn 't want to believe it . I especially didn 't want to because it was our usually breakfast day . It was the only morning the three of us had off at the same time , so we went to the local IHOP and caught up with the week 's events . I shoved my sausages into my mouth and listened to Carly drone on about her and Mike . I honestly couldn 't care less , but as usual I feigned interest and kept any conflict to a minimum . At any second I expected my thoughts to drift away from Carly incessant yammering . And there it was . I forgot my wallet . I don 't even remember where I put it . I felt around all my pockets and nothing . Thankfully it was Carly 's day to pay so I didn 't have to worry as much . * * * I sat down in my chair near the door and planted my face in my arms . I absolutely hated this class . Well , more the professor than the class . He and I were total opposites and we viewed the world completely differently . We constantly argued about the " meaning " of everything since I just believe that the world is in constant chaos and things just happen . We never agreed on anything and being the asshole I am , I always had to argue my point until both of us gave up , or he kicked me out of the class . He walked away towards the back of the room . I saw him sit down in the back row and felt a rush of guilt overwhelm me . I got up and went to sit next to him . " I just assigned a report . You partner up with someone you don 't know or barely know and study them . Then you write a full report about why you think they are the way they are , " he said . I looked at Lucas and he looked back at me . A smile began to penetrate the stern look on his face that he was holding for so long , but he quickly stopped it . I held up my hand to ask a question and Robbins took a deep breath . I smiled when he turned away . I don 't know what made me feel better , freaking out the entire class , or having an academic reason to be friends with Lucas . I turned to Lucas with the smile still on my face and saw the shock on his . He stared at me in disbelief as I chuckled at everyone 's confusion . When class was dismissed , Lucas and I walked towards the parking lot together . There was silence between us that I wanted him to be the one to break . I wanted to think of something to say , but my mind was running on empty . " I 'm sorry , I really can 't . I promised Carly I 'd go see that counselor again . I have to go around 6 : 30 . " I said . I was . The first genuine smile on my face in two years , and Lucas was causing it . I had no idea what that actually meant . I just knew that I wanted to be around Lucas as much as I possibly could . We sat down at one of the tables outside . The light breeze swept through the little junction of stores . Lucas jumped face first into his sandwich while I slowly picked at my pasta . " Ok , " I said pulling the small locket out from under my shirt collar , " This locket belonged to my mother . She bought it one day when we went to Sea World . She always loved dolphins and when she saw this … she said it was the third time in her life that she was absolutely certain about something she wanted . " " I found it one day shortly before I left for school , and I put a picture of her in it . I wear it everyday to remind myself that what I 'm doing is important for me . No matter how far away I am , when I 'm wearing this locket I feel like I 'm right where I belong . " " Alright well , when I was a kid I always wanted to have a dog . My neighbor had a Doberman puppy and I was absolutely in love with it . But my dad was crazy allergic to dog hair , so we couldn 't have one , " he said . " Yeah … so anyway , when I was like 8 or 9 , my dad had a business trip up in Lake Tahoe , so my parents decided to just make it into a family vacation since it was during the summer . My mom and I were walking down a little junction of stores and I walked by this toy store . I looked in the window and saw this little Doberman Beanie Baby , " he said . " I know , I know , guys and Beanie Babies just don 't really mix , but I was just a kid . I begged my mom for like 20 minutes to buy it for me until she was finally convinced that it would keep me from begging for a real dog . As soon as I got it in my arms , I was never apart from it . I loved that dog so much , " he said . I looked at Lucas completely differently . The compassion and kindness that he had wasn 't something he did voluntarily . From his story , I could tell that it was just natural for him . I smiled back at him and nodded . At that moment , it was like everything slowed down . I looked into his bright hazel eyes and saw the vulnerability . I wasn 't looking at his vulnerability , but I could see myself in the reflection of his eyes . I was looking at mine . I had never told anyone about the locket I held with me everyday . I never reached that level of connection with anyone . And yet , here I sat with a near stranger , and I just spilled information about one of my greatest possessions without much provocation from him . It was like that deal between us established a trust that would take most people years to build . We instantly had a " You give , I give " connection . It felt amazing not only to trust someone so easily , but also to be trusted by that person with the same level of ease . I felt different , almost refreshed . I could feel the changes happening inside me . The warmth I locked away so many years ago was bubbling to the surface and pushing out the cold , logical , and emotionless version of me . That was an amazing chapter . I 'm really feeling for Luke and Aaron now . Hopefully they 'll get to be better friends . . . if Aaron 's head doesn 't do him in . What a great story - so well written ! I love the way you let us in to AAron 's inner voices . . . and I could feel the connection happening - blossoming ! I am an incurable romantic - I am loving this ! ! ! Hugs ! Reply With Quote August 15th , 2009 , 09 : 00 PM That was a wonderfully warm and touching chapter . Trust like that does not come easily . I have a feeling Aaron is going to be a little more reasonable with the counselor . He has something important to relay this time . Luke has that inner connection that anyone would be happy to share . Obviously he has some of the same concerns regarding friendships that Aaron has . I like the way things are going in this story . Eager to read the next chapter . Hey guys , so this chapter is a bit shorter but I wanted to get this part out of the way as soon as possible . I think I 've allowed you all get a better feel for Aaron in this chapter and I 'm going to bring in a few subtle hints and a few not so subtle hints with the next few chapters . Enjoy Wings of A Butterfly Veronica looked at me through her black rimmed glasses as I sat in the chair across from her . I subtly looked around the room to try and get a read on her in case I needed some ammo . She offered me a glass of tea , which I reluctantly accepted . Veronica examined me for a moment , as if to check for subtle hints that could actually lead her somewhere . She picked up her cup and sipped at her tea with her eyes closed . When she opened her eyes it was like a fire had been lit in her soul . She held more energy in them , as if she found something she could use . " I believe you agreed because you value your relationship with Carly , but you 're afraid of feeling vulnerable with another human being . So you fight them every step of the way , but you still end up doing things for them . You do it so you appear to care about them , but to also tell them that you wish you didn 't , " she said . " You think you know me after talking to me twice ? Well let me tell you something , you don 't know a thing about me . So you can sit up here in your little room with all your credentials hanging up on the wall and listen to other people complain about their problems . But me , I 'm going out there . I 'm going to do something that actually matters to the world . So you can take your assumptions about me and shove them up your ass because you have no idea why I am the way that I am . " I bolted out of my seat and stormed over towards the door . She was up and at the door faster than I could reach it . She held her hand against the door as I was trying to open it and storm out of the room . She looked calmly into my eyes and somehow forced the rage that was boiling under my skin to subside . She slowly walked back to her seat . As she sat down she motioned toward the chair for me to sit back down . I turned to face her and crossed my arms . " Before you can face whatever makes you afraid of connecting with other people , you need to tell at least one person what it is , " she said , " It doesn 't have to be me , it can be anyone . But until you tell someone , you 'll always be afraid of it . You 'll keep pushing people out of your life just as you 're about to get close to them . " Defeated , I walked back over to the chair across from her . I stared directly into her dark blue eyes . There was no anger or judgment in them . There was no hostility or restraint in mine either . I couldn 't see it , but I definitely felt it . " Aaron , there is no need for an apology . What you did was a classic outburst . In a way , it made it easier to see who you really are underneath this façade you portray , " she said . She looked up at me with confusion on her face . Her lips pursed and her brow wrinkled with intense thought . I noticed her right hand start flipping her pen around her fingers , something that my Psych professor said people do when they are working something over in their mind . She paused for a second . She put down her sandwich and kept her eyes low . She placed her arms on the table across her chest . Her eyes slowly looked up into mine and examined me for a moment . " Aaron , you haven 't been involved with any girl that I know of since I met you . You haven 't given any reason to believe that you 're straight . You 've never even stated whether you were straight or not . So yeah , I can believe that she may have thought so . " I grabbed my things and walked away . The wind was blowing gently , so I decided to follow it and see where it took me . I really didn 't care . It was Friday afternoon , and two days since I last saw Lucas . Me , being the idiot that I am , forgot to get his number . And both times I knocked on his door were not answered . I was walking by the Science and Health Studies building when a door opened and nearly hit me in the face . A crowd of students flew out the door and poured into the courtyard . Politely , I held the door open and waited for every last one of them to leave the room . The last person to leave was the last person I expected it to be . I rolled my eyes and pushed his shoulder . I didn 't even know where we were walking to , but we ended up at the east parking lot . I looked around for a moment in silence while standing next to Lucas waiting for the crosswalk to turn . He smiled and walked across the street with his golden hair being brushed by the light wind . As he walked away , I noticed he was slightly limping . I pushed it into the back of my mind for now and walked off towards the corner store with a small grin on my face . Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote August 17th , 2009 , 09 : 50 AM That was a very thought provoking chapter . It 's obvious Aaron can 't always stay on his sarcastic path . The counselor broke through and Luke has as well . He 's really not a bad ass after all . Now he has to come to terms with his sexuality and I hope Luke will begin that journey with him soon . Thanks for the update and looking for the next . Thanks for the speedy update . . . if only I could crank out quality work that quickly haha . I 'm VERY excited for the next chapter and to find out what this limp was all about . More more more ! ! ! Irish I knocked on his door three times , each knock slightly lower on the door than the other . I never noticed that I did it until now . Something about Lucas made me more aware of anything I did . Even my little weird things like my knock . The pizza in my left hand was starting to make my palm sweat , or at least that 's what I convinced myself was making it sweat . He opened the door and smiled at me . I opened the box and we each grabbed a slice . I sat back down in his chair and he flopped down on his bed and ate the slice in seconds . I laughed at him and he smiled awkwardly at me . A moment of silence passed between us as we ate . His eyes were glued to the ground and I could tell he was thinking of something that he wasn 't sure about saying . After I finished my slice , I took a deep breath . " Well it got me thinking , " he said , " And I thought about it all day . I 'm not trying to pry you for information or anything , but if you want we could make another deal . You tell me something , I 'll tell you something . " Lucas sat up and sat on the edge of his bed . He stared into my eyes and somehow , I felt a little better . The pain in my chest went away and I was able to hold the tears back a little better than before . " I came home from school one day and found her unconscious in the kitchen . I called 911 but it was too late . I found my mother dead that day . " " She worked so hard for me . She worked so hard to give me a good life … " I said , " But she never thought about what would happen to me if she was gone . " That did it . The tears pushed themselves out of my eyes and I fell forward into myself . Lucas stood up and kneeled down in front of me and caught me before I collapsed . He held me and I cried on his shoulder . " Aaron , that 's ok , " he said . He pulled me away from him and looked directly into my eyes . He placed both hands firmly , but gently , on my shoulders . " She obviously didn 't want you to know until it happened , " he said , " She was probably so scared about leaving you . She probably didn 't want you to have to live every single day in fear , and then have grief on top of that feeling after she died . It 's not wrong for you to be angry , but she probably didn 't tell you because of what knowing that she was going to die would do to you . " He looked firmly into my eyes . I could see his fixation , and from that I could tell that he did genuinely care about me . In my mind , I saw myself drowning . I couldn 't keep myself afloat , even though I had people around me trying to pull me out of the water . I was just about to give up and let myself fall beneath the surface , when I felt a hand grab my arm and lift me up . I looked into the eyes of my rescuer . The bright hazel colored eyes that penetrated my soul and brought down every barrier I had built . I looked back into his eyes and felt the pain be washed away . The tears stopped and I regained my composition . I took several deep breaths and calmed myself down . I sat up straight , never looking away from Lucas ' eyes . They made me feel safe . I nodded at him , but remained silent . I didn 't know what to do now . This was the most vulnerable I 've ever felt in my life . For the first time since my mom 's funeral , I cried in front of another person . I knew he felt the tension boiling inside me , so he wrapped his arms around me again to comfort me . I got up and put the movie in and pressed play . I sat back into the chair and he moved back onto his bed . I noticed he kept looking at me as if I were about to shatter into a million pieces . He walked over to his bookshelf , and I noticed his slight limp again . He turned around smiling with the case of October Sky in his hands . I must have had a worried look on my face or something because his smile disappeared and his eyes glazed over a bit . " It 's ok , " he said , " I talked to Jonathan this morning and he told me everything . He seemed so proud of it , so I yelled at him . Then he said , ' It 's not like I raped him or anything , ' and the next thing I knew , my fist flew into his face . I knocked him on the ground and he kicked me in the hip when I leaned in to help him up . " I smiled at him and he smiled back . At that moment , I felt like we were floating in a space of nothingness . There was nothing to worry about except whether or not we were flying or falling . That 's how it was with Lucas . I could be flying or falling , and it would make no difference to me . It was a challenge to be open with him , but at the same time I felt completely safe . We watched the movie in near silence . Apparently we both loved this movie so much that we could nearly recite the script . I swear at one point I saw him mouthing some of the words . But he just blushed and looked away from me . Lucas made me feel different than my other friends did . I didn 't have to worry about what I said or how I said it . I didn 't have to worry about whether or not I stepped on his toes . I didn 't have to worry about anything really . All I had to do was be myself and let him see my vulnerable side every once in a while . * * * It was nearly 11 at night when I got back to my dorm room . Jonathan was sitting at his desk . I could see very clearly where Lucas clocked him . I couldn 't help but smirk a little about it . " Look you little shit , " I said , " I really don 't care if you do drugs . You can OD on the shit for all I care . But if you EVER slip any of my friends any drugs again without them knowing about it , I swear to God I will rip off your balls and shove em down your throat . " " Do you have any idea what I did to people like you at my high school ? " I asked , " Well it would be NOTHING compared to what I would do to you if you came within 5 feet of Henry ever again . Do you understand me ? " He nodded with fear . I released my grip on his shirt and walked away from him . I didn 't hear him move at all , but when I looked back he was opening the door to leave . Wow ! How great to see Aaron being so vulnerable in telling Luke about his mother . Trusting another person so deeply takes a lot of fortitude . Then , along with Luke , being so protective of another friend . A maturity is growing within him and it suits him well . I like that he and Luke are bonding so well . Awesome chapter , ITC . Great work , ITC ! I love how comfortable he 's becoming with Luke . I can really feel this story going somewhere great ! I also enjoyed how both of them stood up for Henry , especially Aaron who only had Luke 's word on the matter . Aw ! THAT is Fantastic ! ! This is a Good story , itc ! THANK YOU ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote Page 1 of 9

Hey guys , so as promised I 've started on a new story . I 've been tweaking it for a couple days now , and I think it 's finally ready for public eyes . I wanna give a quick thanks to everyone who read and supported Graduation . And those who didn 't , well you should go read it : Graduation The clock that hung from the wall ticked loudly through the silence as the pendulum swung from side to side . I had probably been sitting there for 3 minutes without saying a word . What could I say though ? There was nothing on my mind and she seemed stubborn enough to not be the first one to break the silence between us . " Well , it 's really nothing huge . It 's just a bunch of little things . Homework , tests , social ties … stuff like that , " I said . The woman gently uncrossed and re - crossed her legs as she took a sip of her coffee . She stared at me beneath rectangular , black - rimmed glasses as if to signal me to continue . I really didn 't know what to say . I wasn 't even here by my own choice . Stupid school requirements were forcing me to come here . Apparently , when one student kills themselves , every other student must be suicidal as well . " I don 't know . I try to remind myself that I 'm actually doing pretty well in life . I think about that girl Rachel , the one who shot herself , and I just think about how messed up things must have been for her , " I said . " Not really , no . I mean , I didn 't actually know her so her death doesn 't make me sad . But I feel compassion for the people that cared about her . I 've seen them around and they look pretty fucked up , " I said . " It 's fine . No one is going to get mad at you here . I can have a fucking dirty mouth too sometimes , " she said with a smile . I smiled back at her , but it was just a courtesy smile . I really didn 't think I belonged here . On the outside , I was just a normal college student trying his best to do well in life . On the inside , I didn 't really care about much . All over , I was just your typical everyday teenager who just wanted to fit in and be accepted . " She 's great . We 've been friends since Junior High . She brings out the best kind of person in me . When I 'm around her , I just feel so free it 's as if I could be anyone I wanted to be , " I said . " There 's Carly 's boyfriend , Mike . He 's an ok guy . I wouldn 't consider him one of my best friends , but it 's important to Carly that I like him , so I do , " I said . " Well Aaron , from what I 've gathered there is no need for you to be in therapy . You are perfectly normal in every visual way . I 'll write up a dismissal form for you to turn in at the administrator 's office on campus … unless you want to tell me something else ? " she asked . We sat down at one of the picnic tables that were scattered around the campus . Carly dug right into her food but I just sat there playing with mine with my fork . The fork got stuck and I ended up flicking an olive into the air . I eyed her expression up and down . I was trying to tell if she was pulling my leg or if she was honestly suggesting this . She noticed me studying her face and stared back at me with a raised eyebrow . " Quite possibly , but more importantly I 'm actually serious . You 're so bitter and sarcastic all the time . You never actually talk about what 's bothering you , " she said . After Carly took off to her Philosophy class , I decided to walk around campus . My thought train was on several different tracks as it always was . The first track stayed focused on what I would talk about with the counselor . Would she ask me questions again , or would I have to come up with stuff on my own ? What if I couldn 't think of anything to say ? Did it really matter ? I shook my head at the thought . It didn 't matter at all because it wasn 't necessary . It 's not like there 's anything wrong with me . What 's a psychiatrist going to tell me that I don 't already know ? Whatever , it was for Carly anyway . As long as she was content with me then I was happy . She has no need to worry about me , and this was the only way to prove it to her . My second track was thinking about Rachel . Not about her death , but who she really was . I tried to come up with a picture of what her life was like before she killed herself . The news report said her brother and three of her friends were there when she did it . They said she tried to kill one of them , but her brother stopped her . It made me think that her brother was really close to her and meant a lot to her . But why would she kill herself instead of get help ? Did she really not want to live anymore or did she feel so ashamed about what she did that her brother wouldn 't love her anymore ? It was a sad thought , but I figured anyone who is desperate enough to kill themselves if it meant the pain would stop then she was beyond help . It was a sad thought sure , but it didn 't make me sad . Her brother must have had it rough though . If I had a brother or a sister , then I would probably be able to imagine what he felt . But I didn 't , so I didn 't care very much . My third track was about all the new people moving into the dorms after what happened . There were so few people living in the dorms before that I was able to live alone , but now I was being assigned a roommate . Joy . Another person that I have to socialize with every day , just what I wanted . I finally jumped off my thought train and looked at my watch realizing that it was 1 : 30 already . I decided to head back to the dorm and wait for my new roommate . When I walked past the main Administrator 's Office , I turned the corner sharply and accidentally bumped into someone . I hit my head against theirs and fell down on my ass . He lowered his hand towards me to lift me up . I rubbed my head with my left hand as I took his extended arm with my right . He pulled me up and steadied me . As my vision refocused I was able to see his face . He had a pair of bright green eyes fixated on me while I regained my balance . I took a step forward and wobbled a little . He grabbed my shoulder and laughed a little . Once I got my balance back I laughed a little as well and shook my head . " You want me to walk with you and make sure you don 't pass out ? " he asked flashing me his bright smile . We walked across the campus together , every now and then I would stumble a little and he caught me before I tripped over myself . Each time I did it he let out a chuckle . I probably looked like a complete idiot . We were about halfway across the campus when he started talking to me randomly . I looked up at him and admired him a little . I wasn 't a very creative person , and I respected those that were . I couldn 't draw anything to save my life , but I like looking at the work of those that could . He looked at me as we stopped outside of the north dorm building . His bright hazel eyes glimmered in the light from the sun . I studied them as discretely as I could and noticed that there was a hint of gold around the edges . He smiled and revealed a set of bright white teeth that would make a dentist jealous . I didn 't know what he was smiling at , so I raised an eyebrow at him . As he walked away , I tried to study what made him tick , and what made those thoughts slip out of my mind . Even with Carly , I kept all of my sarcasm in my head so I didn 't offend her at all . There was something different about Luke that I couldn 't quite put my finger on . He was like a book full of analogies and metaphors that made my brain itch . He was confusing and yet , I felt like I understood him at the same time . The only thing I didn 't understand was that bizarre question and answer session while we were walking . Did he honestly care if I was ok even though he just met me ? That had to be it ; and that officially made him tomorrow 's problem . Today 's problem was probably already upstairs unpacking it 's shit , and I had to go meet it and make nice with it for the rest of the semester . He was probably some weak little brainiac that was so afraid of the world that he had to move in with the big boys . It 's just what I needed this semester ; to be some pathetic genius ' bodyguard . I flopped down on my bed and closed my eyes for a moment . My thoughts instantly drifted to Lucas … I mean Luke . What was his deal ? No one could be that nice to someone they just met . Fuck , now I was obsessing . I opened my eyes and rubbed the spot on my forehead where his head hit mine . Just then the door popped open and my new roommate stepped inside , followed closely by that awkward moment . I think I 'm going to like this story ! Off to a really great start . I think I have a feeling who Aaron 's new roommate is going to be BTW , I LOVED Graduation ! ! ! You have such compelling storylines and I have a feeling I won 't be disappointed with this one either . Can 't wait for more ! ! already I have noticed some parallels ! rachel killed herself in " Graduation " and also had a brother who was concerned - - same here . I 'm guessing lucas / luke is the love interest ? he has sparking green eyes ( and a killer smile ) , just like Cameron . Reply With Quote July 18th , 2009 , 10 : 56 PM Hmmm ! Haven 't read " Graduation " . . . yet ! . . . but , I 'm liking this one . . . a LOT ! PLEASE keep up the great work ! I 'm definitely looking forward to reading more of YOU ! Very interesting perspective ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote July 19th , 2009 , 01 : 16 AM How great to sign on today and see one of my favorite authors had started a new story . I like the approach this one has and as ASDF pointed out , there are the parallels with " Graduation . " Who would have thought that a tragic event such as Rachael killing herself would have such a wide effect on someone that didn 't even know her . I can tell this is going to be as brilliant a story as " Graduation " but with an entirely new cast of characters . Looking forward to a long read . already I have noticed some parallels ! rachel killed herself in " Graduation " and also had a brother who was concerned - - same here . I 'm guessing lucas / luke is the love interest ? he has sparking green eyes ( and a killer smile ) , just like Cameron . Oops looks like I overlooked something while I was editing . His eyes were supposed to be Hazel . I guess I just missed that one And I 'm glad you guys like it so far . I 'm gonna start chapter two today and hopefully be finished soon . Thanks for the support guys ! Great start ! I really enjoyed " Graduation " , I think I 'll like this story too . Looking forward to chapter 2 already ! Reply With Quote July 23rd , 2009 , 05 : 34 AM ITC this is a great beginning . Looking forward to more . I know that it will be just as fantastic as Graduation and I think you know by now that that story was the greatest . H & K " He 's ok . He 's kinda quiet though . After he unpacked he just sat at his desk playing games on his computer , " I said . Henry and I were sitting in the Student Hall on campus . The building was amazing . It had a big sitting / study area on the main floor , a library on the second floor , and a bunch of little shops , food places , and even a bowling alley in the underground area . I sat on my favorite couch in the room and Henry sat in the armchair sitting adjacent to me . I turned around and looked at the doors behind me . Jonathan was standing there looking awkwardly into the crowd for a place to sit down . I couldn 't help but feel sorry for him . He honestly looked like a guy who just needed a friend . He turned his head and saw me staring at him , so I gave a kind of half wave at him . He looked away instantly and walked towards the stairs . Jonathan stopped dead in his tracks . He looked over at us and saw Henry waving him over to our area . I could see his hesitation and smell his fear from where I was sitting . I nodded at him when he turned his dark brown eyes to me . After a moment of awkward pause , he shifted his feet and walked slowly over to us . I found myself hating him a little bit . Not because he was so awkward , but because he didn 't seem to even want a social life . It was as if he was battling with himself on the inside , and I couldn 't tell if he was winning or losing . He was very difficult to read and for that , I couldn 't help but hate him . No one has been able to hide themselves from me for very long , but this kid was actually giving me a challenge . As he sat down on the opposite end of the couch I was sitting on , there was an awkward moment of silence between us . I gave a quick stink eye at him when he sat on my couch , but hid it before he or Henry could see it . I turned my attention to my laptop which had the website , Fmylife open . Henry noticed my shift in focus and started talking to Jonathan . Tuning out their conversation , I retreated into my thoughts . I nodded at appropriate times and feigned interest like I always did . To be honest , the conversations about this Rachel girl were getting repetitive . Someone who had minimal interaction with her would find someone else who had even less interaction with her and express what a " shock " it was when it happened . I was a little surprised when my thoughts crossed over the pain in my forehead , and suddenly all I could think of was Lucas . He perplexed me . He seemed to genuinely care about my wellbeing , but yet he didn 't ask for my number or ask to walk me up to my room or whatever . I concluded on the thought that he really didn 't care , and that he was just making sure I didn 't want to sue him or anything . My thoughts were interrupted by Henry 's voice . * * * Walking into the club , I heard the sounds of my favorite band , Paramore . Carly immediately began dancing to the tune of Crushcrushcrush as we were walking down the stairs to the main floor of the club . She flung her dark brown hair around in sync with the beat of the song and she pulled Mike out to the dance floor . Henry and I sat at the bar and saw Jonathan walking down the stairs . He was closely followed by Lucas and his eyes magnetically stuck to mine from across the room . I saw a smile creep across his face . He and Jonathan made their way over to the bar , but our eyes never separated . His were full of amusement , while mine were filled with annoyance . I gave him a glare and he burst into laughter . Jonathan and Henry broke off and started chatting while Lucas and I had a couple drinks . Lucas and I just sat at the bar talking about the music they were playing . I sat there stunned for a moment . No way were he and I in the same place at the same time worshiping the same band . I must have been staring for a few minutes because he broke me out of my trance by waving his hand in my face . We sat there as the final line of a song neither of us was paying attention to finished . Eagerly awaiting the next song to play , I looked around and noticed that everyone else was gone . The DJ shut off the sound system and the bartender told us they were closing in a few minutes . We stared at each other with wide eyes and disbelief . He got off his stool and motioned towards the staircase . I wiped my hands on my jeans and walked past him up the stairs . The cool , crisp air outside felt refreshing after being inside for God knows how long . I stretched a bit as Lucas emerged out of the stairway and chuckled at me . He smiled at me and I smiled back . It was then that I realized that I was doing exactly what I didn 't want to do . Acting on instinct , my mind took over and I broke this moment between us . I tried desperately to think of a rational excuse to keep from walking back with him , but failed miserably . I just nodded and walked beside him , not saying a word the whole mile and a half to the dorm . He tried to talk to me , but I made it very clear that I was " too tired to think " so he gave up after the third avoided question . We walked up the stairs of the dorm building and stood outside my room for a moment . Lucas burst into laughter that carried across the courtyard . We walked into the other dorm building and up the stairs to the third floor where Lucas ' room was . This building was much younger and nicer than the one I was living in . We walked into the room and my jaw nearly fell off when I saw the interior . It was at least twice as big as my room , and he didn 't even have a roommate . I went into the bathroom to take a piss and change and I came out to see him already under his covers . I walked softly over to the bed and sat down on it . As usual , I went over the day 's events in my head as a way of cataloguing any significance in any moment . I stopped at the brief moment between Lucas and I outside the club and couldn 't decide if that was significant . Without thinking , I blurted out a question to Lucas . I turned over and lay down on the bed . I stared at the ceiling and kept thinking about that exchange of smiles . As much as I disliked the idea , I had found a new friend in Lucas Harper . That wasn 't what was bothering me though . The issue I was bumping up against was whether or not I would drive him away . He was so different from the people I was friends with . Carly and Henry were just as closed of as I was … I mean am . But Lucas has a warming quality that I was afraid of breaking . I turned over , facing away from Lucas , and started drifting off to sleep . I could hear him lightly snoring from his bed behind me , and for the first time in a while , I let out a genuine laugh . It wasn 't forced or fake . And that 's when I realized that I actually liked Lucas . I was friends with Henry because we were in the same social group and had similar taste in music . I was friends with Carly because we 've been together nearly since birth . And right now , I couldn 't really tell if I actually liked either of them . THANK YOU ! , itc ! Excellent ! Been waiting for this 2nd chapter , and , in the mean time , read " Graduation " ! Now I understand the " tie in " here . Fantastic ! ! I 'm truly enjoying your writing style ! And , especially appreciate your including Aaron 's " inner conversation " with himself . Definitely looking forward to more ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote August 10th , 2009 , 11 : 44 AM Happy to see an addition to the story . I am certain Aaron and Lucas are going to be very good friends . . . . . . . . . . . . hopefully more . Like Littletosay , I wonder if Henry and Jonathan are getting to know each other . . . lol Great chapter ITC ! I felt the vibrations of my phone beneath my pillow . It was just loud enough to wake me , but not enough to stir Lucas out of his sleep . I slowly and quietly changed clothes and left his room . The sun was barely coming up and all I could think of was how much I missed my mother . I clutched the locket that hid beneath my shirt as my breathing became heavy with grief . I looked away from the sunrise and just walked around for a little while . I felt bad for leaving Lucas like that , but it was pointless for me to let myself get close to someone else . I listened to the voice in my head telling me that I had enough . Any more than what I already have would just make things harder . I would have just left it at that , but then I heard a voice I hadn 't heard in a long time . There was a name I hadn 't thought of in years . He was a lot like Lucas , or at least what I 've witnessed from Lucas so far . We complemented each other like cheese and macaroni . Everyone thought we were twins because between the two of us , we knew everything . We were like two halves of an apple . At least , until his dad 's company relocated his family to a small town three states away . That was about two years before I met Henry . If it weren 't for Carly I wouldn 't have even had Henry . But life has been hard enough since then , I don 't need someone else who I am certain will cause me pain one day . The argument in my mind subsided as I once again listened to my negativity and decided that Lucas was too good for me to even try to be his friend . I passed through the doors of my dorm building and saw Henry laying on one of the couches in the lounge . He looked totally smashed from last night . I walked up to him and flicked his ear . When I got him up to his dorm room , I went back downstairs to mine to see if Jonathan was still there . I looked at my watch and it was now 7 : 30 a . m . I poked my head into the room and saw that no one was inside . It reeked of sex so I grabbed the air freshener and just blasted it around the room . I sat on my bed and dropped my head into my hands for a moment . I actually didn 't know Henry as well as I thought . He could have done it himself , but I didn 't want to believe it . I especially didn 't want to because it was our usually breakfast day . It was the only morning the three of us had off at the same time , so we went to the local IHOP and caught up with the week 's events . I shoved my sausages into my mouth and listened to Carly drone on about her and Mike . I honestly couldn 't care less , but as usual I feigned interest and kept any conflict to a minimum . At any second I expected my thoughts to drift away from Carly incessant yammering . And there it was . I forgot my wallet . I don 't even remember where I put it . I felt around all my pockets and nothing . Thankfully it was Carly 's day to pay so I didn 't have to worry as much . * * * I sat down in my chair near the door and planted my face in my arms . I absolutely hated this class . Well , more the professor than the class . He and I were total opposites and we viewed the world completely differently . We constantly argued about the " meaning " of everything since I just believe that the world is in constant chaos and things just happen . We never agreed on anything and being the asshole I am , I always had to argue my point until both of us gave up , or he kicked me out of the class . He walked away towards the back of the room . I saw him sit down in the back row and felt a rush of guilt overwhelm me . I got up and went to sit next to him . " I just assigned a report . You partner up with someone you don 't know or barely know and study them . Then you write a full report about why you think they are the way they are , " he said . I looked at Lucas and he looked back at me . A smile began to penetrate the stern look on his face that he was holding for so long , but he quickly stopped it . I held up my hand to ask a question and Robbins took a deep breath . I smiled when he turned away . I don 't know what made me feel better , freaking out the entire class , or having an academic reason to be friends with Lucas . I turned to Lucas with the smile still on my face and saw the shock on his . He stared at me in disbelief as I chuckled at everyone 's confusion . When class was dismissed , Lucas and I walked towards the parking lot together . There was silence between us that I wanted him to be the one to break . I wanted to think of something to say , but my mind was running on empty . " I 'm sorry , I really can 't . I promised Carly I 'd go see that counselor again . I have to go around 6 : 30 . " I said . I was . The first genuine smile on my face in two years , and Lucas was causing it . I had no idea what that actually meant . I just knew that I wanted to be around Lucas as much as I possibly could . We sat down at one of the tables outside . The light breeze swept through the little junction of stores . Lucas jumped face first into his sandwich while I slowly picked at my pasta . " Ok , " I said pulling the small locket out from under my shirt collar , " This locket belonged to my mother . She bought it one day when we went to Sea World . She always loved dolphins and when she saw this … she said it was the third time in her life that she was absolutely certain about something she wanted . " " I found it one day shortly before I left for school , and I put a picture of her in it . I wear it everyday to remind myself that what I 'm doing is important for me . No matter how far away I am , when I 'm wearing this locket I feel like I 'm right where I belong . " " Alright well , when I was a kid I always wanted to have a dog . My neighbor had a Doberman puppy and I was absolutely in love with it . But my dad was crazy allergic to dog hair , so we couldn 't have one , " he said . " Yeah … so anyway , when I was like 8 or 9 , my dad had a business trip up in Lake Tahoe , so my parents decided to just make it into a family vacation since it was during the summer . My mom and I were walking down a little junction of stores and I walked by this toy store . I looked in the window and saw this little Doberman Beanie Baby , " he said . " I know , I know , guys and Beanie Babies just don 't really mix , but I was just a kid . I begged my mom for like 20 minutes to buy it for me until she was finally convinced that it would keep me from begging for a real dog . As soon as I got it in my arms , I was never apart from it . I loved that dog so much , " he said . I looked at Lucas completely differently . The compassion and kindness that he had wasn 't something he did voluntarily . From his story , I could tell that it was just natural for him . I smiled back at him and nodded . At that moment , it was like everything slowed down . I looked into his bright hazel eyes and saw the vulnerability . I wasn 't looking at his vulnerability , but I could see myself in the reflection of his eyes . I was looking at mine . I had never told anyone about the locket I held with me everyday . I never reached that level of connection with anyone . And yet , here I sat with a near stranger , and I just spilled information about one of my greatest possessions without much provocation from him . It was like that deal between us established a trust that would take most people years to build . We instantly had a " You give , I give " connection . It felt amazing not only to trust someone so easily , but also to be trusted by that person with the same level of ease . I felt different , almost refreshed . I could feel the changes happening inside me . The warmth I locked away so many years ago was bubbling to the surface and pushing out the cold , logical , and emotionless version of me . That was an amazing chapter . I 'm really feeling for Luke and Aaron now . Hopefully they 'll get to be better friends . . . if Aaron 's head doesn 't do him in . What a great story - so well written ! I love the way you let us in to AAron 's inner voices . . . and I could feel the connection happening - blossoming ! I am an incurable romantic - I am loving this ! ! ! Hugs ! Reply With Quote August 15th , 2009 , 09 : 00 PM That was a wonderfully warm and touching chapter . Trust like that does not come easily . I have a feeling Aaron is going to be a little more reasonable with the counselor . He has something important to relay this time . Luke has that inner connection that anyone would be happy to share . Obviously he has some of the same concerns regarding friendships that Aaron has . I like the way things are going in this story . Eager to read the next chapter . Hey guys , so this chapter is a bit shorter but I wanted to get this part out of the way as soon as possible . I think I 've allowed you all get a better feel for Aaron in this chapter and I 'm going to bring in a few subtle hints and a few not so subtle hints with the next few chapters . Enjoy Wings of A Butterfly Veronica looked at me through her black rimmed glasses as I sat in the chair across from her . I subtly looked around the room to try and get a read on her in case I needed some ammo . She offered me a glass of tea , which I reluctantly accepted . Veronica examined me for a moment , as if to check for subtle hints that could actually lead her somewhere . She picked up her cup and sipped at her tea with her eyes closed . When she opened her eyes it was like a fire had been lit in her soul . She held more energy in them , as if she found something she could use . " I believe you agreed because you value your relationship with Carly , but you 're afraid of feeling vulnerable with another human being . So you fight them every step of the way , but you still end up doing things for them . You do it so you appear to care about them , but to also tell them that you wish you didn 't , " she said . " You think you know me after talking to me twice ? Well let me tell you something , you don 't know a thing about me . So you can sit up here in your little room with all your credentials hanging up on the wall and listen to other people complain about their problems . But me , I 'm going out there . I 'm going to do something that actually matters to the world . So you can take your assumptions about me and shove them up your ass because you have no idea why I am the way that I am . " I bolted out of my seat and stormed over towards the door . She was up and at the door faster than I could reach it . She held her hand against the door as I was trying to open it and storm out of the room . She looked calmly into my eyes and somehow forced the rage that was boiling under my skin to subside . She slowly walked back to her seat . As she sat down she motioned toward the chair for me to sit back down . I turned to face her and crossed my arms . " Before you can face whatever makes you afraid of connecting with other people , you need to tell at least one person what it is , " she said , " It doesn 't have to be me , it can be anyone . But until you tell someone , you 'll always be afraid of it . You 'll keep pushing people out of your life just as you 're about to get close to them . " Defeated , I walked back over to the chair across from her . I stared directly into her dark blue eyes . There was no anger or judgment in them . There was no hostility or restraint in mine either . I couldn 't see it , but I definitely felt it . " Aaron , there is no need for an apology . What you did was a classic outburst . In a way , it made it easier to see who you really are underneath this façade you portray , " she said . She looked up at me with confusion on her face . Her lips pursed and her brow wrinkled with intense thought . I noticed her right hand start flipping her pen around her fingers , something that my Psych professor said people do when they are working something over in their mind . She paused for a second . She put down her sandwich and kept her eyes low . She placed her arms on the table across her chest . Her eyes slowly looked up into mine and examined me for a moment . " Aaron , you haven 't been involved with any girl that I know of since I met you . You haven 't given any reason to believe that you 're straight . You 've never even stated whether you were straight or not . So yeah , I can believe that she may have thought so . " I grabbed my things and walked away . The wind was blowing gently , so I decided to follow it and see where it took me . I really didn 't care . It was Friday afternoon , and two days since I last saw Lucas . Me , being the idiot that I am , forgot to get his number . And both times I knocked on his door were not answered . I was walking by the Science and Health Studies building when a door opened and nearly hit me in the face . A crowd of students flew out the door and poured into the courtyard . Politely , I held the door open and waited for every last one of them to leave the room . The last person to leave was the last person I expected it to be . I rolled my eyes and pushed his shoulder . I didn 't even know where we were walking to , but we ended up at the east parking lot . I looked around for a moment in silence while standing next to Lucas waiting for the crosswalk to turn . He smiled and walked across the street with his golden hair being brushed by the light wind . As he walked away , I noticed he was slightly limping . I pushed it into the back of my mind for now and walked off towards the corner store with a small grin on my face . Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote August 17th , 2009 , 09 : 50 AM That was a very thought provoking chapter . It 's obvious Aaron can 't always stay on his sarcastic path . The counselor broke through and Luke has as well . He 's really not a bad ass after all . Now he has to come to terms with his sexuality and I hope Luke will begin that journey with him soon . Thanks for the update and looking for the next . Thanks for the speedy update . . . if only I could crank out quality work that quickly haha . I 'm VERY excited for the next chapter and to find out what this limp was all about . More more more ! ! ! Irish I knocked on his door three times , each knock slightly lower on the door than the other . I never noticed that I did it until now . Something about Lucas made me more aware of anything I did . Even my little weird things like my knock . The pizza in my left hand was starting to make my palm sweat , or at least that 's what I convinced myself was making it sweat . He opened the door and smiled at me . I opened the box and we each grabbed a slice . I sat back down in his chair and he flopped down on his bed and ate the slice in seconds . I laughed at him and he smiled awkwardly at me . A moment of silence passed between us as we ate . His eyes were glued to the ground and I could tell he was thinking of something that he wasn 't sure about saying . After I finished my slice , I took a deep breath . " Well it got me thinking , " he said , " And I thought about it all day . I 'm not trying to pry you for information or anything , but if you want we could make another deal . You tell me something , I 'll tell you something . " Lucas sat up and sat on the edge of his bed . He stared into my eyes and somehow , I felt a little better . The pain in my chest went away and I was able to hold the tears back a little better than before . " I came home from school one day and found her unconscious in the kitchen . I called 911 but it was too late . I found my mother dead that day . " " She worked so hard for me . She worked so hard to give me a good life … " I said , " But she never thought about what would happen to me if she was gone . " That did it . The tears pushed themselves out of my eyes and I fell forward into myself . Lucas stood up and kneeled down in front of me and caught me before I collapsed . He held me and I cried on his shoulder . " Aaron , that 's ok , " he said . He pulled me away from him and looked directly into my eyes . He placed both hands firmly , but gently , on my shoulders . " She obviously didn 't want you to know until it happened , " he said , " She was probably so scared about leaving you . She probably didn 't want you to have to live every single day in fear , and then have grief on top of that feeling after she died . It 's not wrong for you to be angry , but she probably didn 't tell you because of what knowing that she was going to die would do to you . " He looked firmly into my eyes . I could see his fixation , and from that I could tell that he did genuinely care about me . In my mind , I saw myself drowning . I couldn 't keep myself afloat , even though I had people around me trying to pull me out of the water . I was just about to give up and let myself fall beneath the surface , when I felt a hand grab my arm and lift me up . I looked into the eyes of my rescuer . The bright hazel colored eyes that penetrated my soul and brought down every barrier I had built . I looked back into his eyes and felt the pain be washed away . The tears stopped and I regained my composition . I took several deep breaths and calmed myself down . I sat up straight , never looking away from Lucas ' eyes . They made me feel safe . I nodded at him , but remained silent . I didn 't know what to do now . This was the most vulnerable I 've ever felt in my life . For the first time since my mom 's funeral , I cried in front of another person . I knew he felt the tension boiling inside me , so he wrapped his arms around me again to comfort me . I got up and put the movie in and pressed play . I sat back into the chair and he moved back onto his bed . I noticed he kept looking at me as if I were about to shatter into a million pieces . He walked over to his bookshelf , and I noticed his slight limp again . He turned around smiling with the case of October Sky in his hands . I must have had a worried look on my face or something because his smile disappeared and his eyes glazed over a bit . " It 's ok , " he said , " I talked to Jonathan this morning and he told me everything . He seemed so proud of it , so I yelled at him . Then he said , ' It 's not like I raped him or anything , ' and the next thing I knew , my fist flew into his face . I knocked him on the ground and he kicked me in the hip when I leaned in to help him up . " I smiled at him and he smiled back . At that moment , I felt like we were floating in a space of nothingness . There was nothing to worry about except whether or not we were flying or falling . That 's how it was with Lucas . I could be flying or falling , and it would make no difference to me . It was a challenge to be open with him , but at the same time I felt completely safe . We watched the movie in near silence . Apparently we both loved this movie so much that we could nearly recite the script . I swear at one point I saw him mouthing some of the words . But he just blushed and looked away from me . Lucas made me feel different than my other friends did . I didn 't have to worry about what I said or how I said it . I didn 't have to worry about whether or not I stepped on his toes . I didn 't have to worry about anything really . All I had to do was be myself and let him see my vulnerable side every once in a while . * * * It was nearly 11 at night when I got back to my dorm room . Jonathan was sitting at his desk . I could see very clearly where Lucas clocked him . I couldn 't help but smirk a little about it . " Look you little shit , " I said , " I really don 't care if you do drugs . You can OD on the shit for all I care . But if you EVER slip any of my friends any drugs again without them knowing about it , I swear to God I will rip off your balls and shove em down your throat . " " Do you have any idea what I did to people like you at my high school ? " I asked , " Well it would be NOTHING compared to what I would do to you if you came within 5 feet of Henry ever again . Do you understand me ? " He nodded with fear . I released my grip on his shirt and walked away from him . I didn 't hear him move at all , but when I looked back he was opening the door to leave . Wow ! How great to see Aaron being so vulnerable in telling Luke about his mother . Trusting another person so deeply takes a lot of fortitude . Then , along with Luke , being so protective of another friend . A maturity is growing within him and it suits him well . I like that he and Luke are bonding so well . Awesome chapter , ITC . Great work , ITC ! I love how comfortable he 's becoming with Luke . I can really feel this story going somewhere great ! I also enjoyed how both of them stood up for Henry , especially Aaron who only had Luke 's word on the matter . Aw ! THAT is Fantastic ! ! This is a Good story , itc ! THANK YOU ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote Page 1 of 9

Hey guys , so as promised I 've started on a new story . I 've been tweaking it for a couple days now , and I think it 's finally ready for public eyes . I wanna give a quick thanks to everyone who read and supported Graduation . And those who didn 't , well you should go read it : Graduation The clock that hung from the wall ticked loudly through the silence as the pendulum swung from side to side . I had probably been sitting there for 3 minutes without saying a word . What could I say though ? There was nothing on my mind and she seemed stubborn enough to not be the first one to break the silence between us . " Well , it 's really nothing huge . It 's just a bunch of little things . Homework , tests , social ties … stuff like that , " I said . The woman gently uncrossed and re - crossed her legs as she took a sip of her coffee . She stared at me beneath rectangular , black - rimmed glasses as if to signal me to continue . I really didn 't know what to say . I wasn 't even here by my own choice . Stupid school requirements were forcing me to come here . Apparently , when one student kills themselves , every other student must be suicidal as well . " I don 't know . I try to remind myself that I 'm actually doing pretty well in life . I think about that girl Rachel , the one who shot herself , and I just think about how messed up things must have been for her , " I said . " Not really , no . I mean , I didn 't actually know her so her death doesn 't make me sad . But I feel compassion for the people that cared about her . I 've seen them around and they look pretty fucked up , " I said . " It 's fine . No one is going to get mad at you here . I can have a fucking dirty mouth too sometimes , " she said with a smile . I smiled back at her , but it was just a courtesy smile . I really didn 't think I belonged here . On the outside , I was just a normal college student trying his best to do well in life . On the inside , I didn 't really care about much . All over , I was just your typical everyday teenager who just wanted to fit in and be accepted . " She 's great . We 've been friends since Junior High . She brings out the best kind of person in me . When I 'm around her , I just feel so free it 's as if I could be anyone I wanted to be , " I said . " There 's Carly 's boyfriend , Mike . He 's an ok guy . I wouldn 't consider him one of my best friends , but it 's important to Carly that I like him , so I do , " I said . " Well Aaron , from what I 've gathered there is no need for you to be in therapy . You are perfectly normal in every visual way . I 'll write up a dismissal form for you to turn in at the administrator 's office on campus … unless you want to tell me something else ? " she asked . We sat down at one of the picnic tables that were scattered around the campus . Carly dug right into her food but I just sat there playing with mine with my fork . The fork got stuck and I ended up flicking an olive into the air . I eyed her expression up and down . I was trying to tell if she was pulling my leg or if she was honestly suggesting this . She noticed me studying her face and stared back at me with a raised eyebrow . " Quite possibly , but more importantly I 'm actually serious . You 're so bitter and sarcastic all the time . You never actually talk about what 's bothering you , " she said . After Carly took off to her Philosophy class , I decided to walk around campus . My thought train was on several different tracks as it always was . The first track stayed focused on what I would talk about with the counselor . Would she ask me questions again , or would I have to come up with stuff on my own ? What if I couldn 't think of anything to say ? Did it really matter ? I shook my head at the thought . It didn 't matter at all because it wasn 't necessary . It 's not like there 's anything wrong with me . What 's a psychiatrist going to tell me that I don 't already know ? Whatever , it was for Carly anyway . As long as she was content with me then I was happy . She has no need to worry about me , and this was the only way to prove it to her . My second track was thinking about Rachel . Not about her death , but who she really was . I tried to come up with a picture of what her life was like before she killed herself . The news report said her brother and three of her friends were there when she did it . They said she tried to kill one of them , but her brother stopped her . It made me think that her brother was really close to her and meant a lot to her . But why would she kill herself instead of get help ? Did she really not want to live anymore or did she feel so ashamed about what she did that her brother wouldn 't love her anymore ? It was a sad thought , but I figured anyone who is desperate enough to kill themselves if it meant the pain would stop then she was beyond help . It was a sad thought sure , but it didn 't make me sad . Her brother must have had it rough though . If I had a brother or a sister , then I would probably be able to imagine what he felt . But I didn 't , so I didn 't care very much . My third track was about all the new people moving into the dorms after what happened . There were so few people living in the dorms before that I was able to live alone , but now I was being assigned a roommate . Joy . Another person that I have to socialize with every day , just what I wanted . I finally jumped off my thought train and looked at my watch realizing that it was 1 : 30 already . I decided to head back to the dorm and wait for my new roommate . When I walked past the main Administrator 's Office , I turned the corner sharply and accidentally bumped into someone . I hit my head against theirs and fell down on my ass . He lowered his hand towards me to lift me up . I rubbed my head with my left hand as I took his extended arm with my right . He pulled me up and steadied me . As my vision refocused I was able to see his face . He had a pair of bright green eyes fixated on me while I regained my balance . I took a step forward and wobbled a little . He grabbed my shoulder and laughed a little . Once I got my balance back I laughed a little as well and shook my head . " You want me to walk with you and make sure you don 't pass out ? " he asked flashing me his bright smile . We walked across the campus together , every now and then I would stumble a little and he caught me before I tripped over myself . Each time I did it he let out a chuckle . I probably looked like a complete idiot . We were about halfway across the campus when he started talking to me randomly . I looked up at him and admired him a little . I wasn 't a very creative person , and I respected those that were . I couldn 't draw anything to save my life , but I like looking at the work of those that could . He looked at me as we stopped outside of the north dorm building . His bright hazel eyes glimmered in the light from the sun . I studied them as discretely as I could and noticed that there was a hint of gold around the edges . He smiled and revealed a set of bright white teeth that would make a dentist jealous . I didn 't know what he was smiling at , so I raised an eyebrow at him . As he walked away , I tried to study what made him tick , and what made those thoughts slip out of my mind . Even with Carly , I kept all of my sarcasm in my head so I didn 't offend her at all . There was something different about Luke that I couldn 't quite put my finger on . He was like a book full of analogies and metaphors that made my brain itch . He was confusing and yet , I felt like I understood him at the same time . The only thing I didn 't understand was that bizarre question and answer session while we were walking . Did he honestly care if I was ok even though he just met me ? That had to be it ; and that officially made him tomorrow 's problem . Today 's problem was probably already upstairs unpacking it 's shit , and I had to go meet it and make nice with it for the rest of the semester . He was probably some weak little brainiac that was so afraid of the world that he had to move in with the big boys . It 's just what I needed this semester ; to be some pathetic genius ' bodyguard . I flopped down on my bed and closed my eyes for a moment . My thoughts instantly drifted to Lucas … I mean Luke . What was his deal ? No one could be that nice to someone they just met . Fuck , now I was obsessing . I opened my eyes and rubbed the spot on my forehead where his head hit mine . Just then the door popped open and my new roommate stepped inside , followed closely by that awkward moment . I think I 'm going to like this story ! Off to a really great start . I think I have a feeling who Aaron 's new roommate is going to be BTW , I LOVED Graduation ! ! ! You have such compelling storylines and I have a feeling I won 't be disappointed with this one either . Can 't wait for more ! ! already I have noticed some parallels ! rachel killed herself in " Graduation " and also had a brother who was concerned - - same here . I 'm guessing lucas / luke is the love interest ? he has sparking green eyes ( and a killer smile ) , just like Cameron . Reply With Quote July 18th , 2009 , 10 : 56 PM Hmmm ! Haven 't read " Graduation " . . . yet ! . . . but , I 'm liking this one . . . a LOT ! PLEASE keep up the great work ! I 'm definitely looking forward to reading more of YOU ! Very interesting perspective ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote July 19th , 2009 , 01 : 16 AM How great to sign on today and see one of my favorite authors had started a new story . I like the approach this one has and as ASDF pointed out , there are the parallels with " Graduation . " Who would have thought that a tragic event such as Rachael killing herself would have such a wide effect on someone that didn 't even know her . I can tell this is going to be as brilliant a story as " Graduation " but with an entirely new cast of characters . Looking forward to a long read . already I have noticed some parallels ! rachel killed herself in " Graduation " and also had a brother who was concerned - - same here . I 'm guessing lucas / luke is the love interest ? he has sparking green eyes ( and a killer smile ) , just like Cameron . Oops looks like I overlooked something while I was editing . His eyes were supposed to be Hazel . I guess I just missed that one And I 'm glad you guys like it so far . I 'm gonna start chapter two today and hopefully be finished soon . Thanks for the support guys ! Great start ! I really enjoyed " Graduation " , I think I 'll like this story too . Looking forward to chapter 2 already ! Reply With Quote July 23rd , 2009 , 05 : 34 AM ITC this is a great beginning . Looking forward to more . I know that it will be just as fantastic as Graduation and I think you know by now that that story was the greatest . H & K " He 's ok . He 's kinda quiet though . After he unpacked he just sat at his desk playing games on his computer , " I said . Henry and I were sitting in the Student Hall on campus . The building was amazing . It had a big sitting / study area on the main floor , a library on the second floor , and a bunch of little shops , food places , and even a bowling alley in the underground area . I sat on my favorite couch in the room and Henry sat in the armchair sitting adjacent to me . I turned around and looked at the doors behind me . Jonathan was standing there looking awkwardly into the crowd for a place to sit down . I couldn 't help but feel sorry for him . He honestly looked like a guy who just needed a friend . He turned his head and saw me staring at him , so I gave a kind of half wave at him . He looked away instantly and walked towards the stairs . Jonathan stopped dead in his tracks . He looked over at us and saw Henry waving him over to our area . I could see his hesitation and smell his fear from where I was sitting . I nodded at him when he turned his dark brown eyes to me . After a moment of awkward pause , he shifted his feet and walked slowly over to us . I found myself hating him a little bit . Not because he was so awkward , but because he didn 't seem to even want a social life . It was as if he was battling with himself on the inside , and I couldn 't tell if he was winning or losing . He was very difficult to read and for that , I couldn 't help but hate him . No one has been able to hide themselves from me for very long , but this kid was actually giving me a challenge . As he sat down on the opposite end of the couch I was sitting on , there was an awkward moment of silence between us . I gave a quick stink eye at him when he sat on my couch , but hid it before he or Henry could see it . I turned my attention to my laptop which had the website , Fmylife open . Henry noticed my shift in focus and started talking to Jonathan . Tuning out their conversation , I retreated into my thoughts . I nodded at appropriate times and feigned interest like I always did . To be honest , the conversations about this Rachel girl were getting repetitive . Someone who had minimal interaction with her would find someone else who had even less interaction with her and express what a " shock " it was when it happened . I was a little surprised when my thoughts crossed over the pain in my forehead , and suddenly all I could think of was Lucas . He perplexed me . He seemed to genuinely care about my wellbeing , but yet he didn 't ask for my number or ask to walk me up to my room or whatever . I concluded on the thought that he really didn 't care , and that he was just making sure I didn 't want to sue him or anything . My thoughts were interrupted by Henry 's voice . * * * Walking into the club , I heard the sounds of my favorite band , Paramore . Carly immediately began dancing to the tune of Crushcrushcrush as we were walking down the stairs to the main floor of the club . She flung her dark brown hair around in sync with the beat of the song and she pulled Mike out to the dance floor . Henry and I sat at the bar and saw Jonathan walking down the stairs . He was closely followed by Lucas and his eyes magnetically stuck to mine from across the room . I saw a smile creep across his face . He and Jonathan made their way over to the bar , but our eyes never separated . His were full of amusement , while mine were filled with annoyance . I gave him a glare and he burst into laughter . Jonathan and Henry broke off and started chatting while Lucas and I had a couple drinks . Lucas and I just sat at the bar talking about the music they were playing . I sat there stunned for a moment . No way were he and I in the same place at the same time worshiping the same band . I must have been staring for a few minutes because he broke me out of my trance by waving his hand in my face . We sat there as the final line of a song neither of us was paying attention to finished . Eagerly awaiting the next song to play , I looked around and noticed that everyone else was gone . The DJ shut off the sound system and the bartender told us they were closing in a few minutes . We stared at each other with wide eyes and disbelief . He got off his stool and motioned towards the staircase . I wiped my hands on my jeans and walked past him up the stairs . The cool , crisp air outside felt refreshing after being inside for God knows how long . I stretched a bit as Lucas emerged out of the stairway and chuckled at me . He smiled at me and I smiled back . It was then that I realized that I was doing exactly what I didn 't want to do . Acting on instinct , my mind took over and I broke this moment between us . I tried desperately to think of a rational excuse to keep from walking back with him , but failed miserably . I just nodded and walked beside him , not saying a word the whole mile and a half to the dorm . He tried to talk to me , but I made it very clear that I was " too tired to think " so he gave up after the third avoided question . We walked up the stairs of the dorm building and stood outside my room for a moment . Lucas burst into laughter that carried across the courtyard . We walked into the other dorm building and up the stairs to the third floor where Lucas ' room was . This building was much younger and nicer than the one I was living in . We walked into the room and my jaw nearly fell off when I saw the interior . It was at least twice as big as my room , and he didn 't even have a roommate . I went into the bathroom to take a piss and change and I came out to see him already under his covers . I walked softly over to the bed and sat down on it . As usual , I went over the day 's events in my head as a way of cataloguing any significance in any moment . I stopped at the brief moment between Lucas and I outside the club and couldn 't decide if that was significant . Without thinking , I blurted out a question to Lucas . I turned over and lay down on the bed . I stared at the ceiling and kept thinking about that exchange of smiles . As much as I disliked the idea , I had found a new friend in Lucas Harper . That wasn 't what was bothering me though . The issue I was bumping up against was whether or not I would drive him away . He was so different from the people I was friends with . Carly and Henry were just as closed of as I was … I mean am . But Lucas has a warming quality that I was afraid of breaking . I turned over , facing away from Lucas , and started drifting off to sleep . I could hear him lightly snoring from his bed behind me , and for the first time in a while , I let out a genuine laugh . It wasn 't forced or fake . And that 's when I realized that I actually liked Lucas . I was friends with Henry because we were in the same social group and had similar taste in music . I was friends with Carly because we 've been together nearly since birth . And right now , I couldn 't really tell if I actually liked either of them . THANK YOU ! , itc ! Excellent ! Been waiting for this 2nd chapter , and , in the mean time , read " Graduation " ! Now I understand the " tie in " here . Fantastic ! ! I 'm truly enjoying your writing style ! And , especially appreciate your including Aaron 's " inner conversation " with himself . Definitely looking forward to more ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote August 10th , 2009 , 11 : 44 AM Happy to see an addition to the story . I am certain Aaron and Lucas are going to be very good friends . . . . . . . . . . . . hopefully more . Like Littletosay , I wonder if Henry and Jonathan are getting to know each other . . . lol Great chapter ITC ! I felt the vibrations of my phone beneath my pillow . It was just loud enough to wake me , but not enough to stir Lucas out of his sleep . I slowly and quietly changed clothes and left his room . The sun was barely coming up and all I could think of was how much I missed my mother . I clutched the locket that hid beneath my shirt as my breathing became heavy with grief . I looked away from the sunrise and just walked around for a little while . I felt bad for leaving Lucas like that , but it was pointless for me to let myself get close to someone else . I listened to the voice in my head telling me that I had enough . Any more than what I already have would just make things harder . I would have just left it at that , but then I heard a voice I hadn 't heard in a long time . There was a name I hadn 't thought of in years . He was a lot like Lucas , or at least what I 've witnessed from Lucas so far . We complemented each other like cheese and macaroni . Everyone thought we were twins because between the two of us , we knew everything . We were like two halves of an apple . At least , until his dad 's company relocated his family to a small town three states away . That was about two years before I met Henry . If it weren 't for Carly I wouldn 't have even had Henry . But life has been hard enough since then , I don 't need someone else who I am certain will cause me pain one day . The argument in my mind subsided as I once again listened to my negativity and decided that Lucas was too good for me to even try to be his friend . I passed through the doors of my dorm building and saw Henry laying on one of the couches in the lounge . He looked totally smashed from last night . I walked up to him and flicked his ear . When I got him up to his dorm room , I went back downstairs to mine to see if Jonathan was still there . I looked at my watch and it was now 7 : 30 a . m . I poked my head into the room and saw that no one was inside . It reeked of sex so I grabbed the air freshener and just blasted it around the room . I sat on my bed and dropped my head into my hands for a moment . I actually didn 't know Henry as well as I thought . He could have done it himself , but I didn 't want to believe it . I especially didn 't want to because it was our usually breakfast day . It was the only morning the three of us had off at the same time , so we went to the local IHOP and caught up with the week 's events . I shoved my sausages into my mouth and listened to Carly drone on about her and Mike . I honestly couldn 't care less , but as usual I feigned interest and kept any conflict to a minimum . At any second I expected my thoughts to drift away from Carly incessant yammering . And there it was . I forgot my wallet . I don 't even remember where I put it . I felt around all my pockets and nothing . Thankfully it was Carly 's day to pay so I didn 't have to worry as much . * * * I sat down in my chair near the door and planted my face in my arms . I absolutely hated this class . Well , more the professor than the class . He and I were total opposites and we viewed the world completely differently . We constantly argued about the " meaning " of everything since I just believe that the world is in constant chaos and things just happen . We never agreed on anything and being the asshole I am , I always had to argue my point until both of us gave up , or he kicked me out of the class . He walked away towards the back of the room . I saw him sit down in the back row and felt a rush of guilt overwhelm me . I got up and went to sit next to him . " I just assigned a report . You partner up with someone you don 't know or barely know and study them . Then you write a full report about why you think they are the way they are , " he said . I looked at Lucas and he looked back at me . A smile began to penetrate the stern look on his face that he was holding for so long , but he quickly stopped it . I held up my hand to ask a question and Robbins took a deep breath . I smiled when he turned away . I don 't know what made me feel better , freaking out the entire class , or having an academic reason to be friends with Lucas . I turned to Lucas with the smile still on my face and saw the shock on his . He stared at me in disbelief as I chuckled at everyone 's confusion . When class was dismissed , Lucas and I walked towards the parking lot together . There was silence between us that I wanted him to be the one to break . I wanted to think of something to say , but my mind was running on empty . " I 'm sorry , I really can 't . I promised Carly I 'd go see that counselor again . I have to go around 6 : 30 . " I said . I was . The first genuine smile on my face in two years , and Lucas was causing it . I had no idea what that actually meant . I just knew that I wanted to be around Lucas as much as I possibly could . We sat down at one of the tables outside . The light breeze swept through the little junction of stores . Lucas jumped face first into his sandwich while I slowly picked at my pasta . " Ok , " I said pulling the small locket out from under my shirt collar , " This locket belonged to my mother . She bought it one day when we went to Sea World . She always loved dolphins and when she saw this … she said it was the third time in her life that she was absolutely certain about something she wanted . " " I found it one day shortly before I left for school , and I put a picture of her in it . I wear it everyday to remind myself that what I 'm doing is important for me . No matter how far away I am , when I 'm wearing this locket I feel like I 'm right where I belong . " " Alright well , when I was a kid I always wanted to have a dog . My neighbor had a Doberman puppy and I was absolutely in love with it . But my dad was crazy allergic to dog hair , so we couldn 't have one , " he said . " Yeah … so anyway , when I was like 8 or 9 , my dad had a business trip up in Lake Tahoe , so my parents decided to just make it into a family vacation since it was during the summer . My mom and I were walking down a little junction of stores and I walked by this toy store . I looked in the window and saw this little Doberman Beanie Baby , " he said . " I know , I know , guys and Beanie Babies just don 't really mix , but I was just a kid . I begged my mom for like 20 minutes to buy it for me until she was finally convinced that it would keep me from begging for a real dog . As soon as I got it in my arms , I was never apart from it . I loved that dog so much , " he said . I looked at Lucas completely differently . The compassion and kindness that he had wasn 't something he did voluntarily . From his story , I could tell that it was just natural for him . I smiled back at him and nodded . At that moment , it was like everything slowed down . I looked into his bright hazel eyes and saw the vulnerability . I wasn 't looking at his vulnerability , but I could see myself in the reflection of his eyes . I was looking at mine . I had never told anyone about the locket I held with me everyday . I never reached that level of connection with anyone . And yet , here I sat with a near stranger , and I just spilled information about one of my greatest possessions without much provocation from him . It was like that deal between us established a trust that would take most people years to build . We instantly had a " You give , I give " connection . It felt amazing not only to trust someone so easily , but also to be trusted by that person with the same level of ease . I felt different , almost refreshed . I could feel the changes happening inside me . The warmth I locked away so many years ago was bubbling to the surface and pushing out the cold , logical , and emotionless version of me . That was an amazing chapter . I 'm really feeling for Luke and Aaron now . Hopefully they 'll get to be better friends . . . if Aaron 's head doesn 't do him in . What a great story - so well written ! I love the way you let us in to AAron 's inner voices . . . and I could feel the connection happening - blossoming ! I am an incurable romantic - I am loving this ! ! ! Hugs ! Reply With Quote August 15th , 2009 , 09 : 00 PM That was a wonderfully warm and touching chapter . Trust like that does not come easily . I have a feeling Aaron is going to be a little more reasonable with the counselor . He has something important to relay this time . Luke has that inner connection that anyone would be happy to share . Obviously he has some of the same concerns regarding friendships that Aaron has . I like the way things are going in this story . Eager to read the next chapter . Hey guys , so this chapter is a bit shorter but I wanted to get this part out of the way as soon as possible . I think I 've allowed you all get a better feel for Aaron in this chapter and I 'm going to bring in a few subtle hints and a few not so subtle hints with the next few chapters . Enjoy Wings of A Butterfly Veronica looked at me through her black rimmed glasses as I sat in the chair across from her . I subtly looked around the room to try and get a read on her in case I needed some ammo . She offered me a glass of tea , which I reluctantly accepted . Veronica examined me for a moment , as if to check for subtle hints that could actually lead her somewhere . She picked up her cup and sipped at her tea with her eyes closed . When she opened her eyes it was like a fire had been lit in her soul . She held more energy in them , as if she found something she could use . " I believe you agreed because you value your relationship with Carly , but you 're afraid of feeling vulnerable with another human being . So you fight them every step of the way , but you still end up doing things for them . You do it so you appear to care about them , but to also tell them that you wish you didn 't , " she said . " You think you know me after talking to me twice ? Well let me tell you something , you don 't know a thing about me . So you can sit up here in your little room with all your credentials hanging up on the wall and listen to other people complain about their problems . But me , I 'm going out there . I 'm going to do something that actually matters to the world . So you can take your assumptions about me and shove them up your ass because you have no idea why I am the way that I am . " I bolted out of my seat and stormed over towards the door . She was up and at the door faster than I could reach it . She held her hand against the door as I was trying to open it and storm out of the room . She looked calmly into my eyes and somehow forced the rage that was boiling under my skin to subside . She slowly walked back to her seat . As she sat down she motioned toward the chair for me to sit back down . I turned to face her and crossed my arms . " Before you can face whatever makes you afraid of connecting with other people , you need to tell at least one person what it is , " she said , " It doesn 't have to be me , it can be anyone . But until you tell someone , you 'll always be afraid of it . You 'll keep pushing people out of your life just as you 're about to get close to them . " Defeated , I walked back over to the chair across from her . I stared directly into her dark blue eyes . There was no anger or judgment in them . There was no hostility or restraint in mine either . I couldn 't see it , but I definitely felt it . " Aaron , there is no need for an apology . What you did was a classic outburst . In a way , it made it easier to see who you really are underneath this façade you portray , " she said . She looked up at me with confusion on her face . Her lips pursed and her brow wrinkled with intense thought . I noticed her right hand start flipping her pen around her fingers , something that my Psych professor said people do when they are working something over in their mind . She paused for a second . She put down her sandwich and kept her eyes low . She placed her arms on the table across her chest . Her eyes slowly looked up into mine and examined me for a moment . " Aaron , you haven 't been involved with any girl that I know of since I met you . You haven 't given any reason to believe that you 're straight . You 've never even stated whether you were straight or not . So yeah , I can believe that she may have thought so . " I grabbed my things and walked away . The wind was blowing gently , so I decided to follow it and see where it took me . I really didn 't care . It was Friday afternoon , and two days since I last saw Lucas . Me , being the idiot that I am , forgot to get his number . And both times I knocked on his door were not answered . I was walking by the Science and Health Studies building when a door opened and nearly hit me in the face . A crowd of students flew out the door and poured into the courtyard . Politely , I held the door open and waited for every last one of them to leave the room . The last person to leave was the last person I expected it to be . I rolled my eyes and pushed his shoulder . I didn 't even know where we were walking to , but we ended up at the east parking lot . I looked around for a moment in silence while standing next to Lucas waiting for the crosswalk to turn . He smiled and walked across the street with his golden hair being brushed by the light wind . As he walked away , I noticed he was slightly limping . I pushed it into the back of my mind for now and walked off towards the corner store with a small grin on my face . Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote August 17th , 2009 , 09 : 50 AM That was a very thought provoking chapter . It 's obvious Aaron can 't always stay on his sarcastic path . The counselor broke through and Luke has as well . He 's really not a bad ass after all . Now he has to come to terms with his sexuality and I hope Luke will begin that journey with him soon . Thanks for the update and looking for the next . Thanks for the speedy update . . . if only I could crank out quality work that quickly haha . I 'm VERY excited for the next chapter and to find out what this limp was all about . More more more ! ! ! Irish I knocked on his door three times , each knock slightly lower on the door than the other . I never noticed that I did it until now . Something about Lucas made me more aware of anything I did . Even my little weird things like my knock . The pizza in my left hand was starting to make my palm sweat , or at least that 's what I convinced myself was making it sweat . He opened the door and smiled at me . I opened the box and we each grabbed a slice . I sat back down in his chair and he flopped down on his bed and ate the slice in seconds . I laughed at him and he smiled awkwardly at me . A moment of silence passed between us as we ate . His eyes were glued to the ground and I could tell he was thinking of something that he wasn 't sure about saying . After I finished my slice , I took a deep breath . " Well it got me thinking , " he said , " And I thought about it all day . I 'm not trying to pry you for information or anything , but if you want we could make another deal . You tell me something , I 'll tell you something . " Lucas sat up and sat on the edge of his bed . He stared into my eyes and somehow , I felt a little better . The pain in my chest went away and I was able to hold the tears back a little better than before . " I came home from school one day and found her unconscious in the kitchen . I called 911 but it was too late . I found my mother dead that day . " " She worked so hard for me . She worked so hard to give me a good life … " I said , " But she never thought about what would happen to me if she was gone . " That did it . The tears pushed themselves out of my eyes and I fell forward into myself . Lucas stood up and kneeled down in front of me and caught me before I collapsed . He held me and I cried on his shoulder . " Aaron , that 's ok , " he said . He pulled me away from him and looked directly into my eyes . He placed both hands firmly , but gently , on my shoulders . " She obviously didn 't want you to know until it happened , " he said , " She was probably so scared about leaving you . She probably didn 't want you to have to live every single day in fear , and then have grief on top of that feeling after she died . It 's not wrong for you to be angry , but she probably didn 't tell you because of what knowing that she was going to die would do to you . " He looked firmly into my eyes . I could see his fixation , and from that I could tell that he did genuinely care about me . In my mind , I saw myself drowning . I couldn 't keep myself afloat , even though I had people around me trying to pull me out of the water . I was just about to give up and let myself fall beneath the surface , when I felt a hand grab my arm and lift me up . I looked into the eyes of my rescuer . The bright hazel colored eyes that penetrated my soul and brought down every barrier I had built . I looked back into his eyes and felt the pain be washed away . The tears stopped and I regained my composition . I took several deep breaths and calmed myself down . I sat up straight , never looking away from Lucas ' eyes . They made me feel safe . I nodded at him , but remained silent . I didn 't know what to do now . This was the most vulnerable I 've ever felt in my life . For the first time since my mom 's funeral , I cried in front of another person . I knew he felt the tension boiling inside me , so he wrapped his arms around me again to comfort me . I got up and put the movie in and pressed play . I sat back into the chair and he moved back onto his bed . I noticed he kept looking at me as if I were about to shatter into a million pieces . He walked over to his bookshelf , and I noticed his slight limp again . He turned around smiling with the case of October Sky in his hands . I must have had a worried look on my face or something because his smile disappeared and his eyes glazed over a bit . " It 's ok , " he said , " I talked to Jonathan this morning and he told me everything . He seemed so proud of it , so I yelled at him . Then he said , ' It 's not like I raped him or anything , ' and the next thing I knew , my fist flew into his face . I knocked him on the ground and he kicked me in the hip when I leaned in to help him up . " I smiled at him and he smiled back . At that moment , I felt like we were floating in a space of nothingness . There was nothing to worry about except whether or not we were flying or falling . That 's how it was with Lucas . I could be flying or falling , and it would make no difference to me . It was a challenge to be open with him , but at the same time I felt completely safe . We watched the movie in near silence . Apparently we both loved this movie so much that we could nearly recite the script . I swear at one point I saw him mouthing some of the words . But he just blushed and looked away from me . Lucas made me feel different than my other friends did . I didn 't have to worry about what I said or how I said it . I didn 't have to worry about whether or not I stepped on his toes . I didn 't have to worry about anything really . All I had to do was be myself and let him see my vulnerable side every once in a while . * * * It was nearly 11 at night when I got back to my dorm room . Jonathan was sitting at his desk . I could see very clearly where Lucas clocked him . I couldn 't help but smirk a little about it . " Look you little shit , " I said , " I really don 't care if you do drugs . You can OD on the shit for all I care . But if you EVER slip any of my friends any drugs again without them knowing about it , I swear to God I will rip off your balls and shove em down your throat . " " Do you have any idea what I did to people like you at my high school ? " I asked , " Well it would be NOTHING compared to what I would do to you if you came within 5 feet of Henry ever again . Do you understand me ? " He nodded with fear . I released my grip on his shirt and walked away from him . I didn 't hear him move at all , but when I looked back he was opening the door to leave . Wow ! How great to see Aaron being so vulnerable in telling Luke about his mother . Trusting another person so deeply takes a lot of fortitude . Then , along with Luke , being so protective of another friend . A maturity is growing within him and it suits him well . I like that he and Luke are bonding so well . Awesome chapter , ITC . Great work , ITC ! I love how comfortable he 's becoming with Luke . I can really feel this story going somewhere great ! I also enjoyed how both of them stood up for Henry , especially Aaron who only had Luke 's word on the matter . Aw ! THAT is Fantastic ! ! This is a Good story , itc ! THANK YOU ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote Page 1 of 9

Hey guys , so as promised I 've started on a new story . I 've been tweaking it for a couple days now , and I think it 's finally ready for public eyes . I wanna give a quick thanks to everyone who read and supported Graduation . And those who didn 't , well you should go read it : Graduation The clock that hung from the wall ticked loudly through the silence as the pendulum swung from side to side . I had probably been sitting there for 3 minutes without saying a word . What could I say though ? There was nothing on my mind and she seemed stubborn enough to not be the first one to break the silence between us . " Well , it 's really nothing huge . It 's just a bunch of little things . Homework , tests , social ties … stuff like that , " I said . The woman gently uncrossed and re - crossed her legs as she took a sip of her coffee . She stared at me beneath rectangular , black - rimmed glasses as if to signal me to continue . I really didn 't know what to say . I wasn 't even here by my own choice . Stupid school requirements were forcing me to come here . Apparently , when one student kills themselves , every other student must be suicidal as well . " I don 't know . I try to remind myself that I 'm actually doing pretty well in life . I think about that girl Rachel , the one who shot herself , and I just think about how messed up things must have been for her , " I said . " Not really , no . I mean , I didn 't actually know her so her death doesn 't make me sad . But I feel compassion for the people that cared about her . I 've seen them around and they look pretty fucked up , " I said . " It 's fine . No one is going to get mad at you here . I can have a fucking dirty mouth too sometimes , " she said with a smile . I smiled back at her , but it was just a courtesy smile . I really didn 't think I belonged here . On the outside , I was just a normal college student trying his best to do well in life . On the inside , I didn 't really care about much . All over , I was just your typical everyday teenager who just wanted to fit in and be accepted . " She 's great . We 've been friends since Junior High . She brings out the best kind of person in me . When I 'm around her , I just feel so free it 's as if I could be anyone I wanted to be , " I said . " There 's Carly 's boyfriend , Mike . He 's an ok guy . I wouldn 't consider him one of my best friends , but it 's important to Carly that I like him , so I do , " I said . " Well Aaron , from what I 've gathered there is no need for you to be in therapy . You are perfectly normal in every visual way . I 'll write up a dismissal form for you to turn in at the administrator 's office on campus … unless you want to tell me something else ? " she asked . We sat down at one of the picnic tables that were scattered around the campus . Carly dug right into her food but I just sat there playing with mine with my fork . The fork got stuck and I ended up flicking an olive into the air . I eyed her expression up and down . I was trying to tell if she was pulling my leg or if she was honestly suggesting this . She noticed me studying her face and stared back at me with a raised eyebrow . " Quite possibly , but more importantly I 'm actually serious . You 're so bitter and sarcastic all the time . You never actually talk about what 's bothering you , " she said . After Carly took off to her Philosophy class , I decided to walk around campus . My thought train was on several different tracks as it always was . The first track stayed focused on what I would talk about with the counselor . Would she ask me questions again , or would I have to come up with stuff on my own ? What if I couldn 't think of anything to say ? Did it really matter ? I shook my head at the thought . It didn 't matter at all because it wasn 't necessary . It 's not like there 's anything wrong with me . What 's a psychiatrist going to tell me that I don 't already know ? Whatever , it was for Carly anyway . As long as she was content with me then I was happy . She has no need to worry about me , and this was the only way to prove it to her . My second track was thinking about Rachel . Not about her death , but who she really was . I tried to come up with a picture of what her life was like before she killed herself . The news report said her brother and three of her friends were there when she did it . They said she tried to kill one of them , but her brother stopped her . It made me think that her brother was really close to her and meant a lot to her . But why would she kill herself instead of get help ? Did she really not want to live anymore or did she feel so ashamed about what she did that her brother wouldn 't love her anymore ? It was a sad thought , but I figured anyone who is desperate enough to kill themselves if it meant the pain would stop then she was beyond help . It was a sad thought sure , but it didn 't make me sad . Her brother must have had it rough though . If I had a brother or a sister , then I would probably be able to imagine what he felt . But I didn 't , so I didn 't care very much . My third track was about all the new people moving into the dorms after what happened . There were so few people living in the dorms before that I was able to live alone , but now I was being assigned a roommate . Joy . Another person that I have to socialize with every day , just what I wanted . I finally jumped off my thought train and looked at my watch realizing that it was 1 : 30 already . I decided to head back to the dorm and wait for my new roommate . When I walked past the main Administrator 's Office , I turned the corner sharply and accidentally bumped into someone . I hit my head against theirs and fell down on my ass . He lowered his hand towards me to lift me up . I rubbed my head with my left hand as I took his extended arm with my right . He pulled me up and steadied me . As my vision refocused I was able to see his face . He had a pair of bright green eyes fixated on me while I regained my balance . I took a step forward and wobbled a little . He grabbed my shoulder and laughed a little . Once I got my balance back I laughed a little as well and shook my head . " You want me to walk with you and make sure you don 't pass out ? " he asked flashing me his bright smile . We walked across the campus together , every now and then I would stumble a little and he caught me before I tripped over myself . Each time I did it he let out a chuckle . I probably looked like a complete idiot . We were about halfway across the campus when he started talking to me randomly . I looked up at him and admired him a little . I wasn 't a very creative person , and I respected those that were . I couldn 't draw anything to save my life , but I like looking at the work of those that could . He looked at me as we stopped outside of the north dorm building . His bright hazel eyes glimmered in the light from the sun . I studied them as discretely as I could and noticed that there was a hint of gold around the edges . He smiled and revealed a set of bright white teeth that would make a dentist jealous . I didn 't know what he was smiling at , so I raised an eyebrow at him . As he walked away , I tried to study what made him tick , and what made those thoughts slip out of my mind . Even with Carly , I kept all of my sarcasm in my head so I didn 't offend her at all . There was something different about Luke that I couldn 't quite put my finger on . He was like a book full of analogies and metaphors that made my brain itch . He was confusing and yet , I felt like I understood him at the same time . The only thing I didn 't understand was that bizarre question and answer session while we were walking . Did he honestly care if I was ok even though he just met me ? That had to be it ; and that officially made him tomorrow 's problem . Today 's problem was probably already upstairs unpacking it 's shit , and I had to go meet it and make nice with it for the rest of the semester . He was probably some weak little brainiac that was so afraid of the world that he had to move in with the big boys . It 's just what I needed this semester ; to be some pathetic genius ' bodyguard . I flopped down on my bed and closed my eyes for a moment . My thoughts instantly drifted to Lucas … I mean Luke . What was his deal ? No one could be that nice to someone they just met . Fuck , now I was obsessing . I opened my eyes and rubbed the spot on my forehead where his head hit mine . Just then the door popped open and my new roommate stepped inside , followed closely by that awkward moment . I think I 'm going to like this story ! Off to a really great start . I think I have a feeling who Aaron 's new roommate is going to be BTW , I LOVED Graduation ! ! ! You have such compelling storylines and I have a feeling I won 't be disappointed with this one either . Can 't wait for more ! ! already I have noticed some parallels ! rachel killed herself in " Graduation " and also had a brother who was concerned - - same here . I 'm guessing lucas / luke is the love interest ? he has sparking green eyes ( and a killer smile ) , just like Cameron . Reply With Quote July 18th , 2009 , 10 : 56 PM Hmmm ! Haven 't read " Graduation " . . . yet ! . . . but , I 'm liking this one . . . a LOT ! PLEASE keep up the great work ! I 'm definitely looking forward to reading more of YOU ! Very interesting perspective ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote July 19th , 2009 , 01 : 16 AM How great to sign on today and see one of my favorite authors had started a new story . I like the approach this one has and as ASDF pointed out , there are the parallels with " Graduation . " Who would have thought that a tragic event such as Rachael killing herself would have such a wide effect on someone that didn 't even know her . I can tell this is going to be as brilliant a story as " Graduation " but with an entirely new cast of characters . Looking forward to a long read . already I have noticed some parallels ! rachel killed herself in " Graduation " and also had a brother who was concerned - - same here . I 'm guessing lucas / luke is the love interest ? he has sparking green eyes ( and a killer smile ) , just like Cameron . Oops looks like I overlooked something while I was editing . His eyes were supposed to be Hazel . I guess I just missed that one And I 'm glad you guys like it so far . I 'm gonna start chapter two today and hopefully be finished soon . Thanks for the support guys ! Great start ! I really enjoyed " Graduation " , I think I 'll like this story too . Looking forward to chapter 2 already ! Reply With Quote July 23rd , 2009 , 05 : 34 AM ITC this is a great beginning . Looking forward to more . I know that it will be just as fantastic as Graduation and I think you know by now that that story was the greatest . H & K " He 's ok . He 's kinda quiet though . After he unpacked he just sat at his desk playing games on his computer , " I said . Henry and I were sitting in the Student Hall on campus . The building was amazing . It had a big sitting / study area on the main floor , a library on the second floor , and a bunch of little shops , food places , and even a bowling alley in the underground area . I sat on my favorite couch in the room and Henry sat in the armchair sitting adjacent to me . I turned around and looked at the doors behind me . Jonathan was standing there looking awkwardly into the crowd for a place to sit down . I couldn 't help but feel sorry for him . He honestly looked like a guy who just needed a friend . He turned his head and saw me staring at him , so I gave a kind of half wave at him . He looked away instantly and walked towards the stairs . Jonathan stopped dead in his tracks . He looked over at us and saw Henry waving him over to our area . I could see his hesitation and smell his fear from where I was sitting . I nodded at him when he turned his dark brown eyes to me . After a moment of awkward pause , he shifted his feet and walked slowly over to us . I found myself hating him a little bit . Not because he was so awkward , but because he didn 't seem to even want a social life . It was as if he was battling with himself on the inside , and I couldn 't tell if he was winning or losing . He was very difficult to read and for that , I couldn 't help but hate him . No one has been able to hide themselves from me for very long , but this kid was actually giving me a challenge . As he sat down on the opposite end of the couch I was sitting on , there was an awkward moment of silence between us . I gave a quick stink eye at him when he sat on my couch , but hid it before he or Henry could see it . I turned my attention to my laptop which had the website , Fmylife open . Henry noticed my shift in focus and started talking to Jonathan . Tuning out their conversation , I retreated into my thoughts . I nodded at appropriate times and feigned interest like I always did . To be honest , the conversations about this Rachel girl were getting repetitive . Someone who had minimal interaction with her would find someone else who had even less interaction with her and express what a " shock " it was when it happened . I was a little surprised when my thoughts crossed over the pain in my forehead , and suddenly all I could think of was Lucas . He perplexed me . He seemed to genuinely care about my wellbeing , but yet he didn 't ask for my number or ask to walk me up to my room or whatever . I concluded on the thought that he really didn 't care , and that he was just making sure I didn 't want to sue him or anything . My thoughts were interrupted by Henry 's voice . * * * Walking into the club , I heard the sounds of my favorite band , Paramore . Carly immediately began dancing to the tune of Crushcrushcrush as we were walking down the stairs to the main floor of the club . She flung her dark brown hair around in sync with the beat of the song and she pulled Mike out to the dance floor . Henry and I sat at the bar and saw Jonathan walking down the stairs . He was closely followed by Lucas and his eyes magnetically stuck to mine from across the room . I saw a smile creep across his face . He and Jonathan made their way over to the bar , but our eyes never separated . His were full of amusement , while mine were filled with annoyance . I gave him a glare and he burst into laughter . Jonathan and Henry broke off and started chatting while Lucas and I had a couple drinks . Lucas and I just sat at the bar talking about the music they were playing . I sat there stunned for a moment . No way were he and I in the same place at the same time worshiping the same band . I must have been staring for a few minutes because he broke me out of my trance by waving his hand in my face . We sat there as the final line of a song neither of us was paying attention to finished . Eagerly awaiting the next song to play , I looked around and noticed that everyone else was gone . The DJ shut off the sound system and the bartender told us they were closing in a few minutes . We stared at each other with wide eyes and disbelief . He got off his stool and motioned towards the staircase . I wiped my hands on my jeans and walked past him up the stairs . The cool , crisp air outside felt refreshing after being inside for God knows how long . I stretched a bit as Lucas emerged out of the stairway and chuckled at me . He smiled at me and I smiled back . It was then that I realized that I was doing exactly what I didn 't want to do . Acting on instinct , my mind took over and I broke this moment between us . I tried desperately to think of a rational excuse to keep from walking back with him , but failed miserably . I just nodded and walked beside him , not saying a word the whole mile and a half to the dorm . He tried to talk to me , but I made it very clear that I was " too tired to think " so he gave up after the third avoided question . We walked up the stairs of the dorm building and stood outside my room for a moment . Lucas burst into laughter that carried across the courtyard . We walked into the other dorm building and up the stairs to the third floor where Lucas ' room was . This building was much younger and nicer than the one I was living in . We walked into the room and my jaw nearly fell off when I saw the interior . It was at least twice as big as my room , and he didn 't even have a roommate . I went into the bathroom to take a piss and change and I came out to see him already under his covers . I walked softly over to the bed and sat down on it . As usual , I went over the day 's events in my head as a way of cataloguing any significance in any moment . I stopped at the brief moment between Lucas and I outside the club and couldn 't decide if that was significant . Without thinking , I blurted out a question to Lucas . I turned over and lay down on the bed . I stared at the ceiling and kept thinking about that exchange of smiles . As much as I disliked the idea , I had found a new friend in Lucas Harper . That wasn 't what was bothering me though . The issue I was bumping up against was whether or not I would drive him away . He was so different from the people I was friends with . Carly and Henry were just as closed of as I was … I mean am . But Lucas has a warming quality that I was afraid of breaking . I turned over , facing away from Lucas , and started drifting off to sleep . I could hear him lightly snoring from his bed behind me , and for the first time in a while , I let out a genuine laugh . It wasn 't forced or fake . And that 's when I realized that I actually liked Lucas . I was friends with Henry because we were in the same social group and had similar taste in music . I was friends with Carly because we 've been together nearly since birth . And right now , I couldn 't really tell if I actually liked either of them . THANK YOU ! , itc ! Excellent ! Been waiting for this 2nd chapter , and , in the mean time , read " Graduation " ! Now I understand the " tie in " here . Fantastic ! ! I 'm truly enjoying your writing style ! And , especially appreciate your including Aaron 's " inner conversation " with himself . Definitely looking forward to more ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote August 10th , 2009 , 11 : 44 AM Happy to see an addition to the story . I am certain Aaron and Lucas are going to be very good friends . . . . . . . . . . . . hopefully more . Like Littletosay , I wonder if Henry and Jonathan are getting to know each other . . . lol Great chapter ITC ! I felt the vibrations of my phone beneath my pillow . It was just loud enough to wake me , but not enough to stir Lucas out of his sleep . I slowly and quietly changed clothes and left his room . The sun was barely coming up and all I could think of was how much I missed my mother . I clutched the locket that hid beneath my shirt as my breathing became heavy with grief . I looked away from the sunrise and just walked around for a little while . I felt bad for leaving Lucas like that , but it was pointless for me to let myself get close to someone else . I listened to the voice in my head telling me that I had enough . Any more than what I already have would just make things harder . I would have just left it at that , but then I heard a voice I hadn 't heard in a long time . There was a name I hadn 't thought of in years . He was a lot like Lucas , or at least what I 've witnessed from Lucas so far . We complemented each other like cheese and macaroni . Everyone thought we were twins because between the two of us , we knew everything . We were like two halves of an apple . At least , until his dad 's company relocated his family to a small town three states away . That was about two years before I met Henry . If it weren 't for Carly I wouldn 't have even had Henry . But life has been hard enough since then , I don 't need someone else who I am certain will cause me pain one day . The argument in my mind subsided as I once again listened to my negativity and decided that Lucas was too good for me to even try to be his friend . I passed through the doors of my dorm building and saw Henry laying on one of the couches in the lounge . He looked totally smashed from last night . I walked up to him and flicked his ear . When I got him up to his dorm room , I went back downstairs to mine to see if Jonathan was still there . I looked at my watch and it was now 7 : 30 a . m . I poked my head into the room and saw that no one was inside . It reeked of sex so I grabbed the air freshener and just blasted it around the room . I sat on my bed and dropped my head into my hands for a moment . I actually didn 't know Henry as well as I thought . He could have done it himself , but I didn 't want to believe it . I especially didn 't want to because it was our usually breakfast day . It was the only morning the three of us had off at the same time , so we went to the local IHOP and caught up with the week 's events . I shoved my sausages into my mouth and listened to Carly drone on about her and Mike . I honestly couldn 't care less , but as usual I feigned interest and kept any conflict to a minimum . At any second I expected my thoughts to drift away from Carly incessant yammering . And there it was . I forgot my wallet . I don 't even remember where I put it . I felt around all my pockets and nothing . Thankfully it was Carly 's day to pay so I didn 't have to worry as much . * * * I sat down in my chair near the door and planted my face in my arms . I absolutely hated this class . Well , more the professor than the class . He and I were total opposites and we viewed the world completely differently . We constantly argued about the " meaning " of everything since I just believe that the world is in constant chaos and things just happen . We never agreed on anything and being the asshole I am , I always had to argue my point until both of us gave up , or he kicked me out of the class . He walked away towards the back of the room . I saw him sit down in the back row and felt a rush of guilt overwhelm me . I got up and went to sit next to him . " I just assigned a report . You partner up with someone you don 't know or barely know and study them . Then you write a full report about why you think they are the way they are , " he said . I looked at Lucas and he looked back at me . A smile began to penetrate the stern look on his face that he was holding for so long , but he quickly stopped it . I held up my hand to ask a question and Robbins took a deep breath . I smiled when he turned away . I don 't know what made me feel better , freaking out the entire class , or having an academic reason to be friends with Lucas . I turned to Lucas with the smile still on my face and saw the shock on his . He stared at me in disbelief as I chuckled at everyone 's confusion . When class was dismissed , Lucas and I walked towards the parking lot together . There was silence between us that I wanted him to be the one to break . I wanted to think of something to say , but my mind was running on empty . " I 'm sorry , I really can 't . I promised Carly I 'd go see that counselor again . I have to go around 6 : 30 . " I said . I was . The first genuine smile on my face in two years , and Lucas was causing it . I had no idea what that actually meant . I just knew that I wanted to be around Lucas as much as I possibly could . We sat down at one of the tables outside . The light breeze swept through the little junction of stores . Lucas jumped face first into his sandwich while I slowly picked at my pasta . " Ok , " I said pulling the small locket out from under my shirt collar , " This locket belonged to my mother . She bought it one day when we went to Sea World . She always loved dolphins and when she saw this … she said it was the third time in her life that she was absolutely certain about something she wanted . " " I found it one day shortly before I left for school , and I put a picture of her in it . I wear it everyday to remind myself that what I 'm doing is important for me . No matter how far away I am , when I 'm wearing this locket I feel like I 'm right where I belong . " " Alright well , when I was a kid I always wanted to have a dog . My neighbor had a Doberman puppy and I was absolutely in love with it . But my dad was crazy allergic to dog hair , so we couldn 't have one , " he said . " Yeah … so anyway , when I was like 8 or 9 , my dad had a business trip up in Lake Tahoe , so my parents decided to just make it into a family vacation since it was during the summer . My mom and I were walking down a little junction of stores and I walked by this toy store . I looked in the window and saw this little Doberman Beanie Baby , " he said . " I know , I know , guys and Beanie Babies just don 't really mix , but I was just a kid . I begged my mom for like 20 minutes to buy it for me until she was finally convinced that it would keep me from begging for a real dog . As soon as I got it in my arms , I was never apart from it . I loved that dog so much , " he said . I looked at Lucas completely differently . The compassion and kindness that he had wasn 't something he did voluntarily . From his story , I could tell that it was just natural for him . I smiled back at him and nodded . At that moment , it was like everything slowed down . I looked into his bright hazel eyes and saw the vulnerability . I wasn 't looking at his vulnerability , but I could see myself in the reflection of his eyes . I was looking at mine . I had never told anyone about the locket I held with me everyday . I never reached that level of connection with anyone . And yet , here I sat with a near stranger , and I just spilled information about one of my greatest possessions without much provocation from him . It was like that deal between us established a trust that would take most people years to build . We instantly had a " You give , I give " connection . It felt amazing not only to trust someone so easily , but also to be trusted by that person with the same level of ease . I felt different , almost refreshed . I could feel the changes happening inside me . The warmth I locked away so many years ago was bubbling to the surface and pushing out the cold , logical , and emotionless version of me . That was an amazing chapter . I 'm really feeling for Luke and Aaron now . Hopefully they 'll get to be better friends . . . if Aaron 's head doesn 't do him in . What a great story - so well written ! I love the way you let us in to AAron 's inner voices . . . and I could feel the connection happening - blossoming ! I am an incurable romantic - I am loving this ! ! ! Hugs ! Reply With Quote August 15th , 2009 , 09 : 00 PM That was a wonderfully warm and touching chapter . Trust like that does not come easily . I have a feeling Aaron is going to be a little more reasonable with the counselor . He has something important to relay this time . Luke has that inner connection that anyone would be happy to share . Obviously he has some of the same concerns regarding friendships that Aaron has . I like the way things are going in this story . Eager to read the next chapter . Hey guys , so this chapter is a bit shorter but I wanted to get this part out of the way as soon as possible . I think I 've allowed you all get a better feel for Aaron in this chapter and I 'm going to bring in a few subtle hints and a few not so subtle hints with the next few chapters . Enjoy Wings of A Butterfly Veronica looked at me through her black rimmed glasses as I sat in the chair across from her . I subtly looked around the room to try and get a read on her in case I needed some ammo . She offered me a glass of tea , which I reluctantly accepted . Veronica examined me for a moment , as if to check for subtle hints that could actually lead her somewhere . She picked up her cup and sipped at her tea with her eyes closed . When she opened her eyes it was like a fire had been lit in her soul . She held more energy in them , as if she found something she could use . " I believe you agreed because you value your relationship with Carly , but you 're afraid of feeling vulnerable with another human being . So you fight them every step of the way , but you still end up doing things for them . You do it so you appear to care about them , but to also tell them that you wish you didn 't , " she said . " You think you know me after talking to me twice ? Well let me tell you something , you don 't know a thing about me . So you can sit up here in your little room with all your credentials hanging up on the wall and listen to other people complain about their problems . But me , I 'm going out there . I 'm going to do something that actually matters to the world . So you can take your assumptions about me and shove them up your ass because you have no idea why I am the way that I am . " I bolted out of my seat and stormed over towards the door . She was up and at the door faster than I could reach it . She held her hand against the door as I was trying to open it and storm out of the room . She looked calmly into my eyes and somehow forced the rage that was boiling under my skin to subside . She slowly walked back to her seat . As she sat down she motioned toward the chair for me to sit back down . I turned to face her and crossed my arms . " Before you can face whatever makes you afraid of connecting with other people , you need to tell at least one person what it is , " she said , " It doesn 't have to be me , it can be anyone . But until you tell someone , you 'll always be afraid of it . You 'll keep pushing people out of your life just as you 're about to get close to them . " Defeated , I walked back over to the chair across from her . I stared directly into her dark blue eyes . There was no anger or judgment in them . There was no hostility or restraint in mine either . I couldn 't see it , but I definitely felt it . " Aaron , there is no need for an apology . What you did was a classic outburst . In a way , it made it easier to see who you really are underneath this façade you portray , " she said . She looked up at me with confusion on her face . Her lips pursed and her brow wrinkled with intense thought . I noticed her right hand start flipping her pen around her fingers , something that my Psych professor said people do when they are working something over in their mind . She paused for a second . She put down her sandwich and kept her eyes low . She placed her arms on the table across her chest . Her eyes slowly looked up into mine and examined me for a moment . " Aaron , you haven 't been involved with any girl that I know of since I met you . You haven 't given any reason to believe that you 're straight . You 've never even stated whether you were straight or not . So yeah , I can believe that she may have thought so . " I grabbed my things and walked away . The wind was blowing gently , so I decided to follow it and see where it took me . I really didn 't care . It was Friday afternoon , and two days since I last saw Lucas . Me , being the idiot that I am , forgot to get his number . And both times I knocked on his door were not answered . I was walking by the Science and Health Studies building when a door opened and nearly hit me in the face . A crowd of students flew out the door and poured into the courtyard . Politely , I held the door open and waited for every last one of them to leave the room . The last person to leave was the last person I expected it to be . I rolled my eyes and pushed his shoulder . I didn 't even know where we were walking to , but we ended up at the east parking lot . I looked around for a moment in silence while standing next to Lucas waiting for the crosswalk to turn . He smiled and walked across the street with his golden hair being brushed by the light wind . As he walked away , I noticed he was slightly limping . I pushed it into the back of my mind for now and walked off towards the corner store with a small grin on my face . Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote August 17th , 2009 , 09 : 50 AM That was a very thought provoking chapter . It 's obvious Aaron can 't always stay on his sarcastic path . The counselor broke through and Luke has as well . He 's really not a bad ass after all . Now he has to come to terms with his sexuality and I hope Luke will begin that journey with him soon . Thanks for the update and looking for the next . Thanks for the speedy update . . . if only I could crank out quality work that quickly haha . I 'm VERY excited for the next chapter and to find out what this limp was all about . More more more ! ! ! Irish I knocked on his door three times , each knock slightly lower on the door than the other . I never noticed that I did it until now . Something about Lucas made me more aware of anything I did . Even my little weird things like my knock . The pizza in my left hand was starting to make my palm sweat , or at least that 's what I convinced myself was making it sweat . He opened the door and smiled at me . I opened the box and we each grabbed a slice . I sat back down in his chair and he flopped down on his bed and ate the slice in seconds . I laughed at him and he smiled awkwardly at me . A moment of silence passed between us as we ate . His eyes were glued to the ground and I could tell he was thinking of something that he wasn 't sure about saying . After I finished my slice , I took a deep breath . " Well it got me thinking , " he said , " And I thought about it all day . I 'm not trying to pry you for information or anything , but if you want we could make another deal . You tell me something , I 'll tell you something . " Lucas sat up and sat on the edge of his bed . He stared into my eyes and somehow , I felt a little better . The pain in my chest went away and I was able to hold the tears back a little better than before . " I came home from school one day and found her unconscious in the kitchen . I called 911 but it was too late . I found my mother dead that day . " " She worked so hard for me . She worked so hard to give me a good life … " I said , " But she never thought about what would happen to me if she was gone . " That did it . The tears pushed themselves out of my eyes and I fell forward into myself . Lucas stood up and kneeled down in front of me and caught me before I collapsed . He held me and I cried on his shoulder . " Aaron , that 's ok , " he said . He pulled me away from him and looked directly into my eyes . He placed both hands firmly , but gently , on my shoulders . " She obviously didn 't want you to know until it happened , " he said , " She was probably so scared about leaving you . She probably didn 't want you to have to live every single day in fear , and then have grief on top of that feeling after she died . It 's not wrong for you to be angry , but she probably didn 't tell you because of what knowing that she was going to die would do to you . " He looked firmly into my eyes . I could see his fixation , and from that I could tell that he did genuinely care about me . In my mind , I saw myself drowning . I couldn 't keep myself afloat , even though I had people around me trying to pull me out of the water . I was just about to give up and let myself fall beneath the surface , when I felt a hand grab my arm and lift me up . I looked into the eyes of my rescuer . The bright hazel colored eyes that penetrated my soul and brought down every barrier I had built . I looked back into his eyes and felt the pain be washed away . The tears stopped and I regained my composition . I took several deep breaths and calmed myself down . I sat up straight , never looking away from Lucas ' eyes . They made me feel safe . I nodded at him , but remained silent . I didn 't know what to do now . This was the most vulnerable I 've ever felt in my life . For the first time since my mom 's funeral , I cried in front of another person . I knew he felt the tension boiling inside me , so he wrapped his arms around me again to comfort me . I got up and put the movie in and pressed play . I sat back into the chair and he moved back onto his bed . I noticed he kept looking at me as if I were about to shatter into a million pieces . He walked over to his bookshelf , and I noticed his slight limp again . He turned around smiling with the case of October Sky in his hands . I must have had a worried look on my face or something because his smile disappeared and his eyes glazed over a bit . " It 's ok , " he said , " I talked to Jonathan this morning and he told me everything . He seemed so proud of it , so I yelled at him . Then he said , ' It 's not like I raped him or anything , ' and the next thing I knew , my fist flew into his face . I knocked him on the ground and he kicked me in the hip when I leaned in to help him up . " I smiled at him and he smiled back . At that moment , I felt like we were floating in a space of nothingness . There was nothing to worry about except whether or not we were flying or falling . That 's how it was with Lucas . I could be flying or falling , and it would make no difference to me . It was a challenge to be open with him , but at the same time I felt completely safe . We watched the movie in near silence . Apparently we both loved this movie so much that we could nearly recite the script . I swear at one point I saw him mouthing some of the words . But he just blushed and looked away from me . Lucas made me feel different than my other friends did . I didn 't have to worry about what I said or how I said it . I didn 't have to worry about whether or not I stepped on his toes . I didn 't have to worry about anything really . All I had to do was be myself and let him see my vulnerable side every once in a while . * * * It was nearly 11 at night when I got back to my dorm room . Jonathan was sitting at his desk . I could see very clearly where Lucas clocked him . I couldn 't help but smirk a little about it . " Look you little shit , " I said , " I really don 't care if you do drugs . You can OD on the shit for all I care . But if you EVER slip any of my friends any drugs again without them knowing about it , I swear to God I will rip off your balls and shove em down your throat . " " Do you have any idea what I did to people like you at my high school ? " I asked , " Well it would be NOTHING compared to what I would do to you if you came within 5 feet of Henry ever again . Do you understand me ? " He nodded with fear . I released my grip on his shirt and walked away from him . I didn 't hear him move at all , but when I looked back he was opening the door to leave . Wow ! How great to see Aaron being so vulnerable in telling Luke about his mother . Trusting another person so deeply takes a lot of fortitude . Then , along with Luke , being so protective of another friend . A maturity is growing within him and it suits him well . I like that he and Luke are bonding so well . Awesome chapter , ITC . Great work , ITC ! I love how comfortable he 's becoming with Luke . I can really feel this story going somewhere great ! I also enjoyed how both of them stood up for Henry , especially Aaron who only had Luke 's word on the matter . Aw ! THAT is Fantastic ! ! This is a Good story , itc ! THANK YOU ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote Page 1 of 9

Hey guys , so as promised I 've started on a new story . I 've been tweaking it for a couple days now , and I think it 's finally ready for public eyes . I wanna give a quick thanks to everyone who read and supported Graduation . And those who didn 't , well you should go read it : Graduation The clock that hung from the wall ticked loudly through the silence as the pendulum swung from side to side . I had probably been sitting there for 3 minutes without saying a word . What could I say though ? There was nothing on my mind and she seemed stubborn enough to not be the first one to break the silence between us . " Well , it 's really nothing huge . It 's just a bunch of little things . Homework , tests , social ties … stuff like that , " I said . The woman gently uncrossed and re - crossed her legs as she took a sip of her coffee . She stared at me beneath rectangular , black - rimmed glasses as if to signal me to continue . I really didn 't know what to say . I wasn 't even here by my own choice . Stupid school requirements were forcing me to come here . Apparently , when one student kills themselves , every other student must be suicidal as well . " I don 't know . I try to remind myself that I 'm actually doing pretty well in life . I think about that girl Rachel , the one who shot herself , and I just think about how messed up things must have been for her , " I said . " Not really , no . I mean , I didn 't actually know her so her death doesn 't make me sad . But I feel compassion for the people that cared about her . I 've seen them around and they look pretty fucked up , " I said . " It 's fine . No one is going to get mad at you here . I can have a fucking dirty mouth too sometimes , " she said with a smile . I smiled back at her , but it was just a courtesy smile . I really didn 't think I belonged here . On the outside , I was just a normal college student trying his best to do well in life . On the inside , I didn 't really care about much . All over , I was just your typical everyday teenager who just wanted to fit in and be accepted . " She 's great . We 've been friends since Junior High . She brings out the best kind of person in me . When I 'm around her , I just feel so free it 's as if I could be anyone I wanted to be , " I said . " There 's Carly 's boyfriend , Mike . He 's an ok guy . I wouldn 't consider him one of my best friends , but it 's important to Carly that I like him , so I do , " I said . " Well Aaron , from what I 've gathered there is no need for you to be in therapy . You are perfectly normal in every visual way . I 'll write up a dismissal form for you to turn in at the administrator 's office on campus … unless you want to tell me something else ? " she asked . We sat down at one of the picnic tables that were scattered around the campus . Carly dug right into her food but I just sat there playing with mine with my fork . The fork got stuck and I ended up flicking an olive into the air . I eyed her expression up and down . I was trying to tell if she was pulling my leg or if she was honestly suggesting this . She noticed me studying her face and stared back at me with a raised eyebrow . " Quite possibly , but more importantly I 'm actually serious . You 're so bitter and sarcastic all the time . You never actually talk about what 's bothering you , " she said . After Carly took off to her Philosophy class , I decided to walk around campus . My thought train was on several different tracks as it always was . The first track stayed focused on what I would talk about with the counselor . Would she ask me questions again , or would I have to come up with stuff on my own ? What if I couldn 't think of anything to say ? Did it really matter ? I shook my head at the thought . It didn 't matter at all because it wasn 't necessary . It 's not like there 's anything wrong with me . What 's a psychiatrist going to tell me that I don 't already know ? Whatever , it was for Carly anyway . As long as she was content with me then I was happy . She has no need to worry about me , and this was the only way to prove it to her . My second track was thinking about Rachel . Not about her death , but who she really was . I tried to come up with a picture of what her life was like before she killed herself . The news report said her brother and three of her friends were there when she did it . They said she tried to kill one of them , but her brother stopped her . It made me think that her brother was really close to her and meant a lot to her . But why would she kill herself instead of get help ? Did she really not want to live anymore or did she feel so ashamed about what she did that her brother wouldn 't love her anymore ? It was a sad thought , but I figured anyone who is desperate enough to kill themselves if it meant the pain would stop then she was beyond help . It was a sad thought sure , but it didn 't make me sad . Her brother must have had it rough though . If I had a brother or a sister , then I would probably be able to imagine what he felt . But I didn 't , so I didn 't care very much . My third track was about all the new people moving into the dorms after what happened . There were so few people living in the dorms before that I was able to live alone , but now I was being assigned a roommate . Joy . Another person that I have to socialize with every day , just what I wanted . I finally jumped off my thought train and looked at my watch realizing that it was 1 : 30 already . I decided to head back to the dorm and wait for my new roommate . When I walked past the main Administrator 's Office , I turned the corner sharply and accidentally bumped into someone . I hit my head against theirs and fell down on my ass . He lowered his hand towards me to lift me up . I rubbed my head with my left hand as I took his extended arm with my right . He pulled me up and steadied me . As my vision refocused I was able to see his face . He had a pair of bright green eyes fixated on me while I regained my balance . I took a step forward and wobbled a little . He grabbed my shoulder and laughed a little . Once I got my balance back I laughed a little as well and shook my head . " You want me to walk with you and make sure you don 't pass out ? " he asked flashing me his bright smile . We walked across the campus together , every now and then I would stumble a little and he caught me before I tripped over myself . Each time I did it he let out a chuckle . I probably looked like a complete idiot . We were about halfway across the campus when he started talking to me randomly . I looked up at him and admired him a little . I wasn 't a very creative person , and I respected those that were . I couldn 't draw anything to save my life , but I like looking at the work of those that could . He looked at me as we stopped outside of the north dorm building . His bright hazel eyes glimmered in the light from the sun . I studied them as discretely as I could and noticed that there was a hint of gold around the edges . He smiled and revealed a set of bright white teeth that would make a dentist jealous . I didn 't know what he was smiling at , so I raised an eyebrow at him . As he walked away , I tried to study what made him tick , and what made those thoughts slip out of my mind . Even with Carly , I kept all of my sarcasm in my head so I didn 't offend her at all . There was something different about Luke that I couldn 't quite put my finger on . He was like a book full of analogies and metaphors that made my brain itch . He was confusing and yet , I felt like I understood him at the same time . The only thing I didn 't understand was that bizarre question and answer session while we were walking . Did he honestly care if I was ok even though he just met me ? That had to be it ; and that officially made him tomorrow 's problem . Today 's problem was probably already upstairs unpacking it 's shit , and I had to go meet it and make nice with it for the rest of the semester . He was probably some weak little brainiac that was so afraid of the world that he had to move in with the big boys . It 's just what I needed this semester ; to be some pathetic genius ' bodyguard . I flopped down on my bed and closed my eyes for a moment . My thoughts instantly drifted to Lucas … I mean Luke . What was his deal ? No one could be that nice to someone they just met . Fuck , now I was obsessing . I opened my eyes and rubbed the spot on my forehead where his head hit mine . Just then the door popped open and my new roommate stepped inside , followed closely by that awkward moment . I think I 'm going to like this story ! Off to a really great start . I think I have a feeling who Aaron 's new roommate is going to be BTW , I LOVED Graduation ! ! ! You have such compelling storylines and I have a feeling I won 't be disappointed with this one either . Can 't wait for more ! ! already I have noticed some parallels ! rachel killed herself in " Graduation " and also had a brother who was concerned - - same here . I 'm guessing lucas / luke is the love interest ? he has sparking green eyes ( and a killer smile ) , just like Cameron . Reply With Quote July 18th , 2009 , 10 : 56 PM Hmmm ! Haven 't read " Graduation " . . . yet ! . . . but , I 'm liking this one . . . a LOT ! PLEASE keep up the great work ! I 'm definitely looking forward to reading more of YOU ! Very interesting perspective ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote July 19th , 2009 , 01 : 16 AM How great to sign on today and see one of my favorite authors had started a new story . I like the approach this one has and as ASDF pointed out , there are the parallels with " Graduation . " Who would have thought that a tragic event such as Rachael killing herself would have such a wide effect on someone that didn 't even know her . I can tell this is going to be as brilliant a story as " Graduation " but with an entirely new cast of characters . Looking forward to a long read . already I have noticed some parallels ! rachel killed herself in " Graduation " and also had a brother who was concerned - - same here . I 'm guessing lucas / luke is the love interest ? he has sparking green eyes ( and a killer smile ) , just like Cameron . Oops looks like I overlooked something while I was editing . His eyes were supposed to be Hazel . I guess I just missed that one And I 'm glad you guys like it so far . I 'm gonna start chapter two today and hopefully be finished soon . Thanks for the support guys ! Great start ! I really enjoyed " Graduation " , I think I 'll like this story too . Looking forward to chapter 2 already ! Reply With Quote July 23rd , 2009 , 05 : 34 AM ITC this is a great beginning . Looking forward to more . I know that it will be just as fantastic as Graduation and I think you know by now that that story was the greatest . H & K " He 's ok . He 's kinda quiet though . After he unpacked he just sat at his desk playing games on his computer , " I said . Henry and I were sitting in the Student Hall on campus . The building was amazing . It had a big sitting / study area on the main floor , a library on the second floor , and a bunch of little shops , food places , and even a bowling alley in the underground area . I sat on my favorite couch in the room and Henry sat in the armchair sitting adjacent to me . I turned around and looked at the doors behind me . Jonathan was standing there looking awkwardly into the crowd for a place to sit down . I couldn 't help but feel sorry for him . He honestly looked like a guy who just needed a friend . He turned his head and saw me staring at him , so I gave a kind of half wave at him . He looked away instantly and walked towards the stairs . Jonathan stopped dead in his tracks . He looked over at us and saw Henry waving him over to our area . I could see his hesitation and smell his fear from where I was sitting . I nodded at him when he turned his dark brown eyes to me . After a moment of awkward pause , he shifted his feet and walked slowly over to us . I found myself hating him a little bit . Not because he was so awkward , but because he didn 't seem to even want a social life . It was as if he was battling with himself on the inside , and I couldn 't tell if he was winning or losing . He was very difficult to read and for that , I couldn 't help but hate him . No one has been able to hide themselves from me for very long , but this kid was actually giving me a challenge . As he sat down on the opposite end of the couch I was sitting on , there was an awkward moment of silence between us . I gave a quick stink eye at him when he sat on my couch , but hid it before he or Henry could see it . I turned my attention to my laptop which had the website , Fmylife open . Henry noticed my shift in focus and started talking to Jonathan . Tuning out their conversation , I retreated into my thoughts . I nodded at appropriate times and feigned interest like I always did . To be honest , the conversations about this Rachel girl were getting repetitive . Someone who had minimal interaction with her would find someone else who had even less interaction with her and express what a " shock " it was when it happened . I was a little surprised when my thoughts crossed over the pain in my forehead , and suddenly all I could think of was Lucas . He perplexed me . He seemed to genuinely care about my wellbeing , but yet he didn 't ask for my number or ask to walk me up to my room or whatever . I concluded on the thought that he really didn 't care , and that he was just making sure I didn 't want to sue him or anything . My thoughts were interrupted by Henry 's voice . * * * Walking into the club , I heard the sounds of my favorite band , Paramore . Carly immediately began dancing to the tune of Crushcrushcrush as we were walking down the stairs to the main floor of the club . She flung her dark brown hair around in sync with the beat of the song and she pulled Mike out to the dance floor . Henry and I sat at the bar and saw Jonathan walking down the stairs . He was closely followed by Lucas and his eyes magnetically stuck to mine from across the room . I saw a smile creep across his face . He and Jonathan made their way over to the bar , but our eyes never separated . His were full of amusement , while mine were filled with annoyance . I gave him a glare and he burst into laughter . Jonathan and Henry broke off and started chatting while Lucas and I had a couple drinks . Lucas and I just sat at the bar talking about the music they were playing . I sat there stunned for a moment . No way were he and I in the same place at the same time worshiping the same band . I must have been staring for a few minutes because he broke me out of my trance by waving his hand in my face . We sat there as the final line of a song neither of us was paying attention to finished . Eagerly awaiting the next song to play , I looked around and noticed that everyone else was gone . The DJ shut off the sound system and the bartender told us they were closing in a few minutes . We stared at each other with wide eyes and disbelief . He got off his stool and motioned towards the staircase . I wiped my hands on my jeans and walked past him up the stairs . The cool , crisp air outside felt refreshing after being inside for God knows how long . I stretched a bit as Lucas emerged out of the stairway and chuckled at me . He smiled at me and I smiled back . It was then that I realized that I was doing exactly what I didn 't want to do . Acting on instinct , my mind took over and I broke this moment between us . I tried desperately to think of a rational excuse to keep from walking back with him , but failed miserably . I just nodded and walked beside him , not saying a word the whole mile and a half to the dorm . He tried to talk to me , but I made it very clear that I was " too tired to think " so he gave up after the third avoided question . We walked up the stairs of the dorm building and stood outside my room for a moment . Lucas burst into laughter that carried across the courtyard . We walked into the other dorm building and up the stairs to the third floor where Lucas ' room was . This building was much younger and nicer than the one I was living in . We walked into the room and my jaw nearly fell off when I saw the interior . It was at least twice as big as my room , and he didn 't even have a roommate . I went into the bathroom to take a piss and change and I came out to see him already under his covers . I walked softly over to the bed and sat down on it . As usual , I went over the day 's events in my head as a way of cataloguing any significance in any moment . I stopped at the brief moment between Lucas and I outside the club and couldn 't decide if that was significant . Without thinking , I blurted out a question to Lucas . I turned over and lay down on the bed . I stared at the ceiling and kept thinking about that exchange of smiles . As much as I disliked the idea , I had found a new friend in Lucas Harper . That wasn 't what was bothering me though . The issue I was bumping up against was whether or not I would drive him away . He was so different from the people I was friends with . Carly and Henry were just as closed of as I was … I mean am . But Lucas has a warming quality that I was afraid of breaking . I turned over , facing away from Lucas , and started drifting off to sleep . I could hear him lightly snoring from his bed behind me , and for the first time in a while , I let out a genuine laugh . It wasn 't forced or fake . And that 's when I realized that I actually liked Lucas . I was friends with Henry because we were in the same social group and had similar taste in music . I was friends with Carly because we 've been together nearly since birth . And right now , I couldn 't really tell if I actually liked either of them . THANK YOU ! , itc ! Excellent ! Been waiting for this 2nd chapter , and , in the mean time , read " Graduation " ! Now I understand the " tie in " here . Fantastic ! ! I 'm truly enjoying your writing style ! And , especially appreciate your including Aaron 's " inner conversation " with himself . Definitely looking forward to more ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote August 10th , 2009 , 11 : 44 AM Happy to see an addition to the story . I am certain Aaron and Lucas are going to be very good friends . . . . . . . . . . . . hopefully more . Like Littletosay , I wonder if Henry and Jonathan are getting to know each other . . . lol Great chapter ITC ! I felt the vibrations of my phone beneath my pillow . It was just loud enough to wake me , but not enough to stir Lucas out of his sleep . I slowly and quietly changed clothes and left his room . The sun was barely coming up and all I could think of was how much I missed my mother . I clutched the locket that hid beneath my shirt as my breathing became heavy with grief . I looked away from the sunrise and just walked around for a little while . I felt bad for leaving Lucas like that , but it was pointless for me to let myself get close to someone else . I listened to the voice in my head telling me that I had enough . Any more than what I already have would just make things harder . I would have just left it at that , but then I heard a voice I hadn 't heard in a long time . There was a name I hadn 't thought of in years . He was a lot like Lucas , or at least what I 've witnessed from Lucas so far . We complemented each other like cheese and macaroni . Everyone thought we were twins because between the two of us , we knew everything . We were like two halves of an apple . At least , until his dad 's company relocated his family to a small town three states away . That was about two years before I met Henry . If it weren 't for Carly I wouldn 't have even had Henry . But life has been hard enough since then , I don 't need someone else who I am certain will cause me pain one day . The argument in my mind subsided as I once again listened to my negativity and decided that Lucas was too good for me to even try to be his friend . I passed through the doors of my dorm building and saw Henry laying on one of the couches in the lounge . He looked totally smashed from last night . I walked up to him and flicked his ear . When I got him up to his dorm room , I went back downstairs to mine to see if Jonathan was still there . I looked at my watch and it was now 7 : 30 a . m . I poked my head into the room and saw that no one was inside . It reeked of sex so I grabbed the air freshener and just blasted it around the room . I sat on my bed and dropped my head into my hands for a moment . I actually didn 't know Henry as well as I thought . He could have done it himself , but I didn 't want to believe it . I especially didn 't want to because it was our usually breakfast day . It was the only morning the three of us had off at the same time , so we went to the local IHOP and caught up with the week 's events . I shoved my sausages into my mouth and listened to Carly drone on about her and Mike . I honestly couldn 't care less , but as usual I feigned interest and kept any conflict to a minimum . At any second I expected my thoughts to drift away from Carly incessant yammering . And there it was . I forgot my wallet . I don 't even remember where I put it . I felt around all my pockets and nothing . Thankfully it was Carly 's day to pay so I didn 't have to worry as much . * * * I sat down in my chair near the door and planted my face in my arms . I absolutely hated this class . Well , more the professor than the class . He and I were total opposites and we viewed the world completely differently . We constantly argued about the " meaning " of everything since I just believe that the world is in constant chaos and things just happen . We never agreed on anything and being the asshole I am , I always had to argue my point until both of us gave up , or he kicked me out of the class . He walked away towards the back of the room . I saw him sit down in the back row and felt a rush of guilt overwhelm me . I got up and went to sit next to him . " I just assigned a report . You partner up with someone you don 't know or barely know and study them . Then you write a full report about why you think they are the way they are , " he said . I looked at Lucas and he looked back at me . A smile began to penetrate the stern look on his face that he was holding for so long , but he quickly stopped it . I held up my hand to ask a question and Robbins took a deep breath . I smiled when he turned away . I don 't know what made me feel better , freaking out the entire class , or having an academic reason to be friends with Lucas . I turned to Lucas with the smile still on my face and saw the shock on his . He stared at me in disbelief as I chuckled at everyone 's confusion . When class was dismissed , Lucas and I walked towards the parking lot together . There was silence between us that I wanted him to be the one to break . I wanted to think of something to say , but my mind was running on empty . " I 'm sorry , I really can 't . I promised Carly I 'd go see that counselor again . I have to go around 6 : 30 . " I said . I was . The first genuine smile on my face in two years , and Lucas was causing it . I had no idea what that actually meant . I just knew that I wanted to be around Lucas as much as I possibly could . We sat down at one of the tables outside . The light breeze swept through the little junction of stores . Lucas jumped face first into his sandwich while I slowly picked at my pasta . " Ok , " I said pulling the small locket out from under my shirt collar , " This locket belonged to my mother . She bought it one day when we went to Sea World . She always loved dolphins and when she saw this … she said it was the third time in her life that she was absolutely certain about something she wanted . " " I found it one day shortly before I left for school , and I put a picture of her in it . I wear it everyday to remind myself that what I 'm doing is important for me . No matter how far away I am , when I 'm wearing this locket I feel like I 'm right where I belong . " " Alright well , when I was a kid I always wanted to have a dog . My neighbor had a Doberman puppy and I was absolutely in love with it . But my dad was crazy allergic to dog hair , so we couldn 't have one , " he said . " Yeah … so anyway , when I was like 8 or 9 , my dad had a business trip up in Lake Tahoe , so my parents decided to just make it into a family vacation since it was during the summer . My mom and I were walking down a little junction of stores and I walked by this toy store . I looked in the window and saw this little Doberman Beanie Baby , " he said . " I know , I know , guys and Beanie Babies just don 't really mix , but I was just a kid . I begged my mom for like 20 minutes to buy it for me until she was finally convinced that it would keep me from begging for a real dog . As soon as I got it in my arms , I was never apart from it . I loved that dog so much , " he said . I looked at Lucas completely differently . The compassion and kindness that he had wasn 't something he did voluntarily . From his story , I could tell that it was just natural for him . I smiled back at him and nodded . At that moment , it was like everything slowed down . I looked into his bright hazel eyes and saw the vulnerability . I wasn 't looking at his vulnerability , but I could see myself in the reflection of his eyes . I was looking at mine . I had never told anyone about the locket I held with me everyday . I never reached that level of connection with anyone . And yet , here I sat with a near stranger , and I just spilled information about one of my greatest possessions without much provocation from him . It was like that deal between us established a trust that would take most people years to build . We instantly had a " You give , I give " connection . It felt amazing not only to trust someone so easily , but also to be trusted by that person with the same level of ease . I felt different , almost refreshed . I could feel the changes happening inside me . The warmth I locked away so many years ago was bubbling to the surface and pushing out the cold , logical , and emotionless version of me . That was an amazing chapter . I 'm really feeling for Luke and Aaron now . Hopefully they 'll get to be better friends . . . if Aaron 's head doesn 't do him in . What a great story - so well written ! I love the way you let us in to AAron 's inner voices . . . and I could feel the connection happening - blossoming ! I am an incurable romantic - I am loving this ! ! ! Hugs ! Reply With Quote August 15th , 2009 , 09 : 00 PM That was a wonderfully warm and touching chapter . Trust like that does not come easily . I have a feeling Aaron is going to be a little more reasonable with the counselor . He has something important to relay this time . Luke has that inner connection that anyone would be happy to share . Obviously he has some of the same concerns regarding friendships that Aaron has . I like the way things are going in this story . Eager to read the next chapter . Hey guys , so this chapter is a bit shorter but I wanted to get this part out of the way as soon as possible . I think I 've allowed you all get a better feel for Aaron in this chapter and I 'm going to bring in a few subtle hints and a few not so subtle hints with the next few chapters . Enjoy Wings of A Butterfly Veronica looked at me through her black rimmed glasses as I sat in the chair across from her . I subtly looked around the room to try and get a read on her in case I needed some ammo . She offered me a glass of tea , which I reluctantly accepted . Veronica examined me for a moment , as if to check for subtle hints that could actually lead her somewhere . She picked up her cup and sipped at her tea with her eyes closed . When she opened her eyes it was like a fire had been lit in her soul . She held more energy in them , as if she found something she could use . " I believe you agreed because you value your relationship with Carly , but you 're afraid of feeling vulnerable with another human being . So you fight them every step of the way , but you still end up doing things for them . You do it so you appear to care about them , but to also tell them that you wish you didn 't , " she said . " You think you know me after talking to me twice ? Well let me tell you something , you don 't know a thing about me . So you can sit up here in your little room with all your credentials hanging up on the wall and listen to other people complain about their problems . But me , I 'm going out there . I 'm going to do something that actually matters to the world . So you can take your assumptions about me and shove them up your ass because you have no idea why I am the way that I am . " I bolted out of my seat and stormed over towards the door . She was up and at the door faster than I could reach it . She held her hand against the door as I was trying to open it and storm out of the room . She looked calmly into my eyes and somehow forced the rage that was boiling under my skin to subside . She slowly walked back to her seat . As she sat down she motioned toward the chair for me to sit back down . I turned to face her and crossed my arms . " Before you can face whatever makes you afraid of connecting with other people , you need to tell at least one person what it is , " she said , " It doesn 't have to be me , it can be anyone . But until you tell someone , you 'll always be afraid of it . You 'll keep pushing people out of your life just as you 're about to get close to them . " Defeated , I walked back over to the chair across from her . I stared directly into her dark blue eyes . There was no anger or judgment in them . There was no hostility or restraint in mine either . I couldn 't see it , but I definitely felt it . " Aaron , there is no need for an apology . What you did was a classic outburst . In a way , it made it easier to see who you really are underneath this façade you portray , " she said . She looked up at me with confusion on her face . Her lips pursed and her brow wrinkled with intense thought . I noticed her right hand start flipping her pen around her fingers , something that my Psych professor said people do when they are working something over in their mind . She paused for a second . She put down her sandwich and kept her eyes low . She placed her arms on the table across her chest . Her eyes slowly looked up into mine and examined me for a moment . " Aaron , you haven 't been involved with any girl that I know of since I met you . You haven 't given any reason to believe that you 're straight . You 've never even stated whether you were straight or not . So yeah , I can believe that she may have thought so . " I grabbed my things and walked away . The wind was blowing gently , so I decided to follow it and see where it took me . I really didn 't care . It was Friday afternoon , and two days since I last saw Lucas . Me , being the idiot that I am , forgot to get his number . And both times I knocked on his door were not answered . I was walking by the Science and Health Studies building when a door opened and nearly hit me in the face . A crowd of students flew out the door and poured into the courtyard . Politely , I held the door open and waited for every last one of them to leave the room . The last person to leave was the last person I expected it to be . I rolled my eyes and pushed his shoulder . I didn 't even know where we were walking to , but we ended up at the east parking lot . I looked around for a moment in silence while standing next to Lucas waiting for the crosswalk to turn . He smiled and walked across the street with his golden hair being brushed by the light wind . As he walked away , I noticed he was slightly limping . I pushed it into the back of my mind for now and walked off towards the corner store with a small grin on my face . Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote August 17th , 2009 , 09 : 50 AM That was a very thought provoking chapter . It 's obvious Aaron can 't always stay on his sarcastic path . The counselor broke through and Luke has as well . He 's really not a bad ass after all . Now he has to come to terms with his sexuality and I hope Luke will begin that journey with him soon . Thanks for the update and looking for the next . Thanks for the speedy update . . . if only I could crank out quality work that quickly haha . I 'm VERY excited for the next chapter and to find out what this limp was all about . More more more ! ! ! Irish I knocked on his door three times , each knock slightly lower on the door than the other . I never noticed that I did it until now . Something about Lucas made me more aware of anything I did . Even my little weird things like my knock . The pizza in my left hand was starting to make my palm sweat , or at least that 's what I convinced myself was making it sweat . He opened the door and smiled at me . I opened the box and we each grabbed a slice . I sat back down in his chair and he flopped down on his bed and ate the slice in seconds . I laughed at him and he smiled awkwardly at me . A moment of silence passed between us as we ate . His eyes were glued to the ground and I could tell he was thinking of something that he wasn 't sure about saying . After I finished my slice , I took a deep breath . " Well it got me thinking , " he said , " And I thought about it all day . I 'm not trying to pry you for information or anything , but if you want we could make another deal . You tell me something , I 'll tell you something . " Lucas sat up and sat on the edge of his bed . He stared into my eyes and somehow , I felt a little better . The pain in my chest went away and I was able to hold the tears back a little better than before . " I came home from school one day and found her unconscious in the kitchen . I called 911 but it was too late . I found my mother dead that day . " " She worked so hard for me . She worked so hard to give me a good life … " I said , " But she never thought about what would happen to me if she was gone . " That did it . The tears pushed themselves out of my eyes and I fell forward into myself . Lucas stood up and kneeled down in front of me and caught me before I collapsed . He held me and I cried on his shoulder . " Aaron , that 's ok , " he said . He pulled me away from him and looked directly into my eyes . He placed both hands firmly , but gently , on my shoulders . " She obviously didn 't want you to know until it happened , " he said , " She was probably so scared about leaving you . She probably didn 't want you to have to live every single day in fear , and then have grief on top of that feeling after she died . It 's not wrong for you to be angry , but she probably didn 't tell you because of what knowing that she was going to die would do to you . " He looked firmly into my eyes . I could see his fixation , and from that I could tell that he did genuinely care about me . In my mind , I saw myself drowning . I couldn 't keep myself afloat , even though I had people around me trying to pull me out of the water . I was just about to give up and let myself fall beneath the surface , when I felt a hand grab my arm and lift me up . I looked into the eyes of my rescuer . The bright hazel colored eyes that penetrated my soul and brought down every barrier I had built . I looked back into his eyes and felt the pain be washed away . The tears stopped and I regained my composition . I took several deep breaths and calmed myself down . I sat up straight , never looking away from Lucas ' eyes . They made me feel safe . I nodded at him , but remained silent . I didn 't know what to do now . This was the most vulnerable I 've ever felt in my life . For the first time since my mom 's funeral , I cried in front of another person . I knew he felt the tension boiling inside me , so he wrapped his arms around me again to comfort me . I got up and put the movie in and pressed play . I sat back into the chair and he moved back onto his bed . I noticed he kept looking at me as if I were about to shatter into a million pieces . He walked over to his bookshelf , and I noticed his slight limp again . He turned around smiling with the case of October Sky in his hands . I must have had a worried look on my face or something because his smile disappeared and his eyes glazed over a bit . " It 's ok , " he said , " I talked to Jonathan this morning and he told me everything . He seemed so proud of it , so I yelled at him . Then he said , ' It 's not like I raped him or anything , ' and the next thing I knew , my fist flew into his face . I knocked him on the ground and he kicked me in the hip when I leaned in to help him up . " I smiled at him and he smiled back . At that moment , I felt like we were floating in a space of nothingness . There was nothing to worry about except whether or not we were flying or falling . That 's how it was with Lucas . I could be flying or falling , and it would make no difference to me . It was a challenge to be open with him , but at the same time I felt completely safe . We watched the movie in near silence . Apparently we both loved this movie so much that we could nearly recite the script . I swear at one point I saw him mouthing some of the words . But he just blushed and looked away from me . Lucas made me feel different than my other friends did . I didn 't have to worry about what I said or how I said it . I didn 't have to worry about whether or not I stepped on his toes . I didn 't have to worry about anything really . All I had to do was be myself and let him see my vulnerable side every once in a while . * * * It was nearly 11 at night when I got back to my dorm room . Jonathan was sitting at his desk . I could see very clearly where Lucas clocked him . I couldn 't help but smirk a little about it . " Look you little shit , " I said , " I really don 't care if you do drugs . You can OD on the shit for all I care . But if you EVER slip any of my friends any drugs again without them knowing about it , I swear to God I will rip off your balls and shove em down your throat . " " Do you have any idea what I did to people like you at my high school ? " I asked , " Well it would be NOTHING compared to what I would do to you if you came within 5 feet of Henry ever again . Do you understand me ? " He nodded with fear . I released my grip on his shirt and walked away from him . I didn 't hear him move at all , but when I looked back he was opening the door to leave . Wow ! How great to see Aaron being so vulnerable in telling Luke about his mother . Trusting another person so deeply takes a lot of fortitude . Then , along with Luke , being so protective of another friend . A maturity is growing within him and it suits him well . I like that he and Luke are bonding so well . Awesome chapter , ITC . Great work , ITC ! I love how comfortable he 's becoming with Luke . I can really feel this story going somewhere great ! I also enjoyed how both of them stood up for Henry , especially Aaron who only had Luke 's word on the matter . Aw ! THAT is Fantastic ! ! This is a Good story , itc ! THANK YOU ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote Page 1 of 9

Hey guys , so as promised I 've started on a new story . I 've been tweaking it for a couple days now , and I think it 's finally ready for public eyes . I wanna give a quick thanks to everyone who read and supported Graduation . And those who didn 't , well you should go read it : Graduation The clock that hung from the wall ticked loudly through the silence as the pendulum swung from side to side . I had probably been sitting there for 3 minutes without saying a word . What could I say though ? There was nothing on my mind and she seemed stubborn enough to not be the first one to break the silence between us . " Well , it 's really nothing huge . It 's just a bunch of little things . Homework , tests , social ties … stuff like that , " I said . The woman gently uncrossed and re - crossed her legs as she took a sip of her coffee . She stared at me beneath rectangular , black - rimmed glasses as if to signal me to continue . I really didn 't know what to say . I wasn 't even here by my own choice . Stupid school requirements were forcing me to come here . Apparently , when one student kills themselves , every other student must be suicidal as well . " I don 't know . I try to remind myself that I 'm actually doing pretty well in life . I think about that girl Rachel , the one who shot herself , and I just think about how messed up things must have been for her , " I said . " Not really , no . I mean , I didn 't actually know her so her death doesn 't make me sad . But I feel compassion for the people that cared about her . I 've seen them around and they look pretty fucked up , " I said . " It 's fine . No one is going to get mad at you here . I can have a fucking dirty mouth too sometimes , " she said with a smile . I smiled back at her , but it was just a courtesy smile . I really didn 't think I belonged here . On the outside , I was just a normal college student trying his best to do well in life . On the inside , I didn 't really care about much . All over , I was just your typical everyday teenager who just wanted to fit in and be accepted . " She 's great . We 've been friends since Junior High . She brings out the best kind of person in me . When I 'm around her , I just feel so free it 's as if I could be anyone I wanted to be , " I said . " There 's Carly 's boyfriend , Mike . He 's an ok guy . I wouldn 't consider him one of my best friends , but it 's important to Carly that I like him , so I do , " I said . " Well Aaron , from what I 've gathered there is no need for you to be in therapy . You are perfectly normal in every visual way . I 'll write up a dismissal form for you to turn in at the administrator 's office on campus … unless you want to tell me something else ? " she asked . We sat down at one of the picnic tables that were scattered around the campus . Carly dug right into her food but I just sat there playing with mine with my fork . The fork got stuck and I ended up flicking an olive into the air . I eyed her expression up and down . I was trying to tell if she was pulling my leg or if she was honestly suggesting this . She noticed me studying her face and stared back at me with a raised eyebrow . " Quite possibly , but more importantly I 'm actually serious . You 're so bitter and sarcastic all the time . You never actually talk about what 's bothering you , " she said . After Carly took off to her Philosophy class , I decided to walk around campus . My thought train was on several different tracks as it always was . The first track stayed focused on what I would talk about with the counselor . Would she ask me questions again , or would I have to come up with stuff on my own ? What if I couldn 't think of anything to say ? Did it really matter ? I shook my head at the thought . It didn 't matter at all because it wasn 't necessary . It 's not like there 's anything wrong with me . What 's a psychiatrist going to tell me that I don 't already know ? Whatever , it was for Carly anyway . As long as she was content with me then I was happy . She has no need to worry about me , and this was the only way to prove it to her . My second track was thinking about Rachel . Not about her death , but who she really was . I tried to come up with a picture of what her life was like before she killed herself . The news report said her brother and three of her friends were there when she did it . They said she tried to kill one of them , but her brother stopped her . It made me think that her brother was really close to her and meant a lot to her . But why would she kill herself instead of get help ? Did she really not want to live anymore or did she feel so ashamed about what she did that her brother wouldn 't love her anymore ? It was a sad thought , but I figured anyone who is desperate enough to kill themselves if it meant the pain would stop then she was beyond help . It was a sad thought sure , but it didn 't make me sad . Her brother must have had it rough though . If I had a brother or a sister , then I would probably be able to imagine what he felt . But I didn 't , so I didn 't care very much . My third track was about all the new people moving into the dorms after what happened . There were so few people living in the dorms before that I was able to live alone , but now I was being assigned a roommate . Joy . Another person that I have to socialize with every day , just what I wanted . I finally jumped off my thought train and looked at my watch realizing that it was 1 : 30 already . I decided to head back to the dorm and wait for my new roommate . When I walked past the main Administrator 's Office , I turned the corner sharply and accidentally bumped into someone . I hit my head against theirs and fell down on my ass . He lowered his hand towards me to lift me up . I rubbed my head with my left hand as I took his extended arm with my right . He pulled me up and steadied me . As my vision refocused I was able to see his face . He had a pair of bright green eyes fixated on me while I regained my balance . I took a step forward and wobbled a little . He grabbed my shoulder and laughed a little . Once I got my balance back I laughed a little as well and shook my head . " You want me to walk with you and make sure you don 't pass out ? " he asked flashing me his bright smile . We walked across the campus together , every now and then I would stumble a little and he caught me before I tripped over myself . Each time I did it he let out a chuckle . I probably looked like a complete idiot . We were about halfway across the campus when he started talking to me randomly . I looked up at him and admired him a little . I wasn 't a very creative person , and I respected those that were . I couldn 't draw anything to save my life , but I like looking at the work of those that could . He looked at me as we stopped outside of the north dorm building . His bright hazel eyes glimmered in the light from the sun . I studied them as discretely as I could and noticed that there was a hint of gold around the edges . He smiled and revealed a set of bright white teeth that would make a dentist jealous . I didn 't know what he was smiling at , so I raised an eyebrow at him . As he walked away , I tried to study what made him tick , and what made those thoughts slip out of my mind . Even with Carly , I kept all of my sarcasm in my head so I didn 't offend her at all . There was something different about Luke that I couldn 't quite put my finger on . He was like a book full of analogies and metaphors that made my brain itch . He was confusing and yet , I felt like I understood him at the same time . The only thing I didn 't understand was that bizarre question and answer session while we were walking . Did he honestly care if I was ok even though he just met me ? That had to be it ; and that officially made him tomorrow 's problem . Today 's problem was probably already upstairs unpacking it 's shit , and I had to go meet it and make nice with it for the rest of the semester . He was probably some weak little brainiac that was so afraid of the world that he had to move in with the big boys . It 's just what I needed this semester ; to be some pathetic genius ' bodyguard . I flopped down on my bed and closed my eyes for a moment . My thoughts instantly drifted to Lucas … I mean Luke . What was his deal ? No one could be that nice to someone they just met . Fuck , now I was obsessing . I opened my eyes and rubbed the spot on my forehead where his head hit mine . Just then the door popped open and my new roommate stepped inside , followed closely by that awkward moment . I think I 'm going to like this story ! Off to a really great start . I think I have a feeling who Aaron 's new roommate is going to be BTW , I LOVED Graduation ! ! ! You have such compelling storylines and I have a feeling I won 't be disappointed with this one either . Can 't wait for more ! ! already I have noticed some parallels ! rachel killed herself in " Graduation " and also had a brother who was concerned - - same here . I 'm guessing lucas / luke is the love interest ? he has sparking green eyes ( and a killer smile ) , just like Cameron . Reply With Quote July 18th , 2009 , 10 : 56 PM Hmmm ! Haven 't read " Graduation " . . . yet ! . . . but , I 'm liking this one . . . a LOT ! PLEASE keep up the great work ! I 'm definitely looking forward to reading more of YOU ! Very interesting perspective ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote July 19th , 2009 , 01 : 16 AM How great to sign on today and see one of my favorite authors had started a new story . I like the approach this one has and as ASDF pointed out , there are the parallels with " Graduation . " Who would have thought that a tragic event such as Rachael killing herself would have such a wide effect on someone that didn 't even know her . I can tell this is going to be as brilliant a story as " Graduation " but with an entirely new cast of characters . Looking forward to a long read . already I have noticed some parallels ! rachel killed herself in " Graduation " and also had a brother who was concerned - - same here . I 'm guessing lucas / luke is the love interest ? he has sparking green eyes ( and a killer smile ) , just like Cameron . Oops looks like I overlooked something while I was editing . His eyes were supposed to be Hazel . I guess I just missed that one And I 'm glad you guys like it so far . I 'm gonna start chapter two today and hopefully be finished soon . Thanks for the support guys ! Great start ! I really enjoyed " Graduation " , I think I 'll like this story too . Looking forward to chapter 2 already ! Reply With Quote July 23rd , 2009 , 05 : 34 AM ITC this is a great beginning . Looking forward to more . I know that it will be just as fantastic as Graduation and I think you know by now that that story was the greatest . H & K " He 's ok . He 's kinda quiet though . After he unpacked he just sat at his desk playing games on his computer , " I said . Henry and I were sitting in the Student Hall on campus . The building was amazing . It had a big sitting / study area on the main floor , a library on the second floor , and a bunch of little shops , food places , and even a bowling alley in the underground area . I sat on my favorite couch in the room and Henry sat in the armchair sitting adjacent to me . I turned around and looked at the doors behind me . Jonathan was standing there looking awkwardly into the crowd for a place to sit down . I couldn 't help but feel sorry for him . He honestly looked like a guy who just needed a friend . He turned his head and saw me staring at him , so I gave a kind of half wave at him . He looked away instantly and walked towards the stairs . Jonathan stopped dead in his tracks . He looked over at us and saw Henry waving him over to our area . I could see his hesitation and smell his fear from where I was sitting . I nodded at him when he turned his dark brown eyes to me . After a moment of awkward pause , he shifted his feet and walked slowly over to us . I found myself hating him a little bit . Not because he was so awkward , but because he didn 't seem to even want a social life . It was as if he was battling with himself on the inside , and I couldn 't tell if he was winning or losing . He was very difficult to read and for that , I couldn 't help but hate him . No one has been able to hide themselves from me for very long , but this kid was actually giving me a challenge . As he sat down on the opposite end of the couch I was sitting on , there was an awkward moment of silence between us . I gave a quick stink eye at him when he sat on my couch , but hid it before he or Henry could see it . I turned my attention to my laptop which had the website , Fmylife open . Henry noticed my shift in focus and started talking to Jonathan . Tuning out their conversation , I retreated into my thoughts . I nodded at appropriate times and feigned interest like I always did . To be honest , the conversations about this Rachel girl were getting repetitive . Someone who had minimal interaction with her would find someone else who had even less interaction with her and express what a " shock " it was when it happened . I was a little surprised when my thoughts crossed over the pain in my forehead , and suddenly all I could think of was Lucas . He perplexed me . He seemed to genuinely care about my wellbeing , but yet he didn 't ask for my number or ask to walk me up to my room or whatever . I concluded on the thought that he really didn 't care , and that he was just making sure I didn 't want to sue him or anything . My thoughts were interrupted by Henry 's voice . * * * Walking into the club , I heard the sounds of my favorite band , Paramore . Carly immediately began dancing to the tune of Crushcrushcrush as we were walking down the stairs to the main floor of the club . She flung her dark brown hair around in sync with the beat of the song and she pulled Mike out to the dance floor . Henry and I sat at the bar and saw Jonathan walking down the stairs . He was closely followed by Lucas and his eyes magnetically stuck to mine from across the room . I saw a smile creep across his face . He and Jonathan made their way over to the bar , but our eyes never separated . His were full of amusement , while mine were filled with annoyance . I gave him a glare and he burst into laughter . Jonathan and Henry broke off and started chatting while Lucas and I had a couple drinks . Lucas and I just sat at the bar talking about the music they were playing . I sat there stunned for a moment . No way were he and I in the same place at the same time worshiping the same band . I must have been staring for a few minutes because he broke me out of my trance by waving his hand in my face . We sat there as the final line of a song neither of us was paying attention to finished . Eagerly awaiting the next song to play , I looked around and noticed that everyone else was gone . The DJ shut off the sound system and the bartender told us they were closing in a few minutes . We stared at each other with wide eyes and disbelief . He got off his stool and motioned towards the staircase . I wiped my hands on my jeans and walked past him up the stairs . The cool , crisp air outside felt refreshing after being inside for God knows how long . I stretched a bit as Lucas emerged out of the stairway and chuckled at me . He smiled at me and I smiled back . It was then that I realized that I was doing exactly what I didn 't want to do . Acting on instinct , my mind took over and I broke this moment between us . I tried desperately to think of a rational excuse to keep from walking back with him , but failed miserably . I just nodded and walked beside him , not saying a word the whole mile and a half to the dorm . He tried to talk to me , but I made it very clear that I was " too tired to think " so he gave up after the third avoided question . We walked up the stairs of the dorm building and stood outside my room for a moment . Lucas burst into laughter that carried across the courtyard . We walked into the other dorm building and up the stairs to the third floor where Lucas ' room was . This building was much younger and nicer than the one I was living in . We walked into the room and my jaw nearly fell off when I saw the interior . It was at least twice as big as my room , and he didn 't even have a roommate . I went into the bathroom to take a piss and change and I came out to see him already under his covers . I walked softly over to the bed and sat down on it . As usual , I went over the day 's events in my head as a way of cataloguing any significance in any moment . I stopped at the brief moment between Lucas and I outside the club and couldn 't decide if that was significant . Without thinking , I blurted out a question to Lucas . I turned over and lay down on the bed . I stared at the ceiling and kept thinking about that exchange of smiles . As much as I disliked the idea , I had found a new friend in Lucas Harper . That wasn 't what was bothering me though . The issue I was bumping up against was whether or not I would drive him away . He was so different from the people I was friends with . Carly and Henry were just as closed of as I was … I mean am . But Lucas has a warming quality that I was afraid of breaking . I turned over , facing away from Lucas , and started drifting off to sleep . I could hear him lightly snoring from his bed behind me , and for the first time in a while , I let out a genuine laugh . It wasn 't forced or fake . And that 's when I realized that I actually liked Lucas . I was friends with Henry because we were in the same social group and had similar taste in music . I was friends with Carly because we 've been together nearly since birth . And right now , I couldn 't really tell if I actually liked either of them . THANK YOU ! , itc ! Excellent ! Been waiting for this 2nd chapter , and , in the mean time , read " Graduation " ! Now I understand the " tie in " here . Fantastic ! ! I 'm truly enjoying your writing style ! And , especially appreciate your including Aaron 's " inner conversation " with himself . Definitely looking forward to more ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote August 10th , 2009 , 11 : 44 AM Happy to see an addition to the story . I am certain Aaron and Lucas are going to be very good friends . . . . . . . . . . . . hopefully more . Like Littletosay , I wonder if Henry and Jonathan are getting to know each other . . . lol Great chapter ITC ! I felt the vibrations of my phone beneath my pillow . It was just loud enough to wake me , but not enough to stir Lucas out of his sleep . I slowly and quietly changed clothes and left his room . The sun was barely coming up and all I could think of was how much I missed my mother . I clutched the locket that hid beneath my shirt as my breathing became heavy with grief . I looked away from the sunrise and just walked around for a little while . I felt bad for leaving Lucas like that , but it was pointless for me to let myself get close to someone else . I listened to the voice in my head telling me that I had enough . Any more than what I already have would just make things harder . I would have just left it at that , but then I heard a voice I hadn 't heard in a long time . There was a name I hadn 't thought of in years . He was a lot like Lucas , or at least what I 've witnessed from Lucas so far . We complemented each other like cheese and macaroni . Everyone thought we were twins because between the two of us , we knew everything . We were like two halves of an apple . At least , until his dad 's company relocated his family to a small town three states away . That was about two years before I met Henry . If it weren 't for Carly I wouldn 't have even had Henry . But life has been hard enough since then , I don 't need someone else who I am certain will cause me pain one day . The argument in my mind subsided as I once again listened to my negativity and decided that Lucas was too good for me to even try to be his friend . I passed through the doors of my dorm building and saw Henry laying on one of the couches in the lounge . He looked totally smashed from last night . I walked up to him and flicked his ear . When I got him up to his dorm room , I went back downstairs to mine to see if Jonathan was still there . I looked at my watch and it was now 7 : 30 a . m . I poked my head into the room and saw that no one was inside . It reeked of sex so I grabbed the air freshener and just blasted it around the room . I sat on my bed and dropped my head into my hands for a moment . I actually didn 't know Henry as well as I thought . He could have done it himself , but I didn 't want to believe it . I especially didn 't want to because it was our usually breakfast day . It was the only morning the three of us had off at the same time , so we went to the local IHOP and caught up with the week 's events . I shoved my sausages into my mouth and listened to Carly drone on about her and Mike . I honestly couldn 't care less , but as usual I feigned interest and kept any conflict to a minimum . At any second I expected my thoughts to drift away from Carly incessant yammering . And there it was . I forgot my wallet . I don 't even remember where I put it . I felt around all my pockets and nothing . Thankfully it was Carly 's day to pay so I didn 't have to worry as much . * * * I sat down in my chair near the door and planted my face in my arms . I absolutely hated this class . Well , more the professor than the class . He and I were total opposites and we viewed the world completely differently . We constantly argued about the " meaning " of everything since I just believe that the world is in constant chaos and things just happen . We never agreed on anything and being the asshole I am , I always had to argue my point until both of us gave up , or he kicked me out of the class . He walked away towards the back of the room . I saw him sit down in the back row and felt a rush of guilt overwhelm me . I got up and went to sit next to him . " I just assigned a report . You partner up with someone you don 't know or barely know and study them . Then you write a full report about why you think they are the way they are , " he said . I looked at Lucas and he looked back at me . A smile began to penetrate the stern look on his face that he was holding for so long , but he quickly stopped it . I held up my hand to ask a question and Robbins took a deep breath . I smiled when he turned away . I don 't know what made me feel better , freaking out the entire class , or having an academic reason to be friends with Lucas . I turned to Lucas with the smile still on my face and saw the shock on his . He stared at me in disbelief as I chuckled at everyone 's confusion . When class was dismissed , Lucas and I walked towards the parking lot together . There was silence between us that I wanted him to be the one to break . I wanted to think of something to say , but my mind was running on empty . " I 'm sorry , I really can 't . I promised Carly I 'd go see that counselor again . I have to go around 6 : 30 . " I said . I was . The first genuine smile on my face in two years , and Lucas was causing it . I had no idea what that actually meant . I just knew that I wanted to be around Lucas as much as I possibly could . We sat down at one of the tables outside . The light breeze swept through the little junction of stores . Lucas jumped face first into his sandwich while I slowly picked at my pasta . " Ok , " I said pulling the small locket out from under my shirt collar , " This locket belonged to my mother . She bought it one day when we went to Sea World . She always loved dolphins and when she saw this … she said it was the third time in her life that she was absolutely certain about something she wanted . " " I found it one day shortly before I left for school , and I put a picture of her in it . I wear it everyday to remind myself that what I 'm doing is important for me . No matter how far away I am , when I 'm wearing this locket I feel like I 'm right where I belong . " " Alright well , when I was a kid I always wanted to have a dog . My neighbor had a Doberman puppy and I was absolutely in love with it . But my dad was crazy allergic to dog hair , so we couldn 't have one , " he said . " Yeah … so anyway , when I was like 8 or 9 , my dad had a business trip up in Lake Tahoe , so my parents decided to just make it into a family vacation since it was during the summer . My mom and I were walking down a little junction of stores and I walked by this toy store . I looked in the window and saw this little Doberman Beanie Baby , " he said . " I know , I know , guys and Beanie Babies just don 't really mix , but I was just a kid . I begged my mom for like 20 minutes to buy it for me until she was finally convinced that it would keep me from begging for a real dog . As soon as I got it in my arms , I was never apart from it . I loved that dog so much , " he said . I looked at Lucas completely differently . The compassion and kindness that he had wasn 't something he did voluntarily . From his story , I could tell that it was just natural for him . I smiled back at him and nodded . At that moment , it was like everything slowed down . I looked into his bright hazel eyes and saw the vulnerability . I wasn 't looking at his vulnerability , but I could see myself in the reflection of his eyes . I was looking at mine . I had never told anyone about the locket I held with me everyday . I never reached that level of connection with anyone . And yet , here I sat with a near stranger , and I just spilled information about one of my greatest possessions without much provocation from him . It was like that deal between us established a trust that would take most people years to build . We instantly had a " You give , I give " connection . It felt amazing not only to trust someone so easily , but also to be trusted by that person with the same level of ease . I felt different , almost refreshed . I could feel the changes happening inside me . The warmth I locked away so many years ago was bubbling to the surface and pushing out the cold , logical , and emotionless version of me . That was an amazing chapter . I 'm really feeling for Luke and Aaron now . Hopefully they 'll get to be better friends . . . if Aaron 's head doesn 't do him in . What a great story - so well written ! I love the way you let us in to AAron 's inner voices . . . and I could feel the connection happening - blossoming ! I am an incurable romantic - I am loving this ! ! ! Hugs ! Reply With Quote August 15th , 2009 , 09 : 00 PM That was a wonderfully warm and touching chapter . Trust like that does not come easily . I have a feeling Aaron is going to be a little more reasonable with the counselor . He has something important to relay this time . Luke has that inner connection that anyone would be happy to share . Obviously he has some of the same concerns regarding friendships that Aaron has . I like the way things are going in this story . Eager to read the next chapter . Hey guys , so this chapter is a bit shorter but I wanted to get this part out of the way as soon as possible . I think I 've allowed you all get a better feel for Aaron in this chapter and I 'm going to bring in a few subtle hints and a few not so subtle hints with the next few chapters . Enjoy Wings of A Butterfly Veronica looked at me through her black rimmed glasses as I sat in the chair across from her . I subtly looked around the room to try and get a read on her in case I needed some ammo . She offered me a glass of tea , which I reluctantly accepted . Veronica examined me for a moment , as if to check for subtle hints that could actually lead her somewhere . She picked up her cup and sipped at her tea with her eyes closed . When she opened her eyes it was like a fire had been lit in her soul . She held more energy in them , as if she found something she could use . " I believe you agreed because you value your relationship with Carly , but you 're afraid of feeling vulnerable with another human being . So you fight them every step of the way , but you still end up doing things for them . You do it so you appear to care about them , but to also tell them that you wish you didn 't , " she said . " You think you know me after talking to me twice ? Well let me tell you something , you don 't know a thing about me . So you can sit up here in your little room with all your credentials hanging up on the wall and listen to other people complain about their problems . But me , I 'm going out there . I 'm going to do something that actually matters to the world . So you can take your assumptions about me and shove them up your ass because you have no idea why I am the way that I am . " I bolted out of my seat and stormed over towards the door . She was up and at the door faster than I could reach it . She held her hand against the door as I was trying to open it and storm out of the room . She looked calmly into my eyes and somehow forced the rage that was boiling under my skin to subside . She slowly walked back to her seat . As she sat down she motioned toward the chair for me to sit back down . I turned to face her and crossed my arms . " Before you can face whatever makes you afraid of connecting with other people , you need to tell at least one person what it is , " she said , " It doesn 't have to be me , it can be anyone . But until you tell someone , you 'll always be afraid of it . You 'll keep pushing people out of your life just as you 're about to get close to them . " Defeated , I walked back over to the chair across from her . I stared directly into her dark blue eyes . There was no anger or judgment in them . There was no hostility or restraint in mine either . I couldn 't see it , but I definitely felt it . " Aaron , there is no need for an apology . What you did was a classic outburst . In a way , it made it easier to see who you really are underneath this façade you portray , " she said . She looked up at me with confusion on her face . Her lips pursed and her brow wrinkled with intense thought . I noticed her right hand start flipping her pen around her fingers , something that my Psych professor said people do when they are working something over in their mind . She paused for a second . She put down her sandwich and kept her eyes low . She placed her arms on the table across her chest . Her eyes slowly looked up into mine and examined me for a moment . " Aaron , you haven 't been involved with any girl that I know of since I met you . You haven 't given any reason to believe that you 're straight . You 've never even stated whether you were straight or not . So yeah , I can believe that she may have thought so . " I grabbed my things and walked away . The wind was blowing gently , so I decided to follow it and see where it took me . I really didn 't care . It was Friday afternoon , and two days since I last saw Lucas . Me , being the idiot that I am , forgot to get his number . And both times I knocked on his door were not answered . I was walking by the Science and Health Studies building when a door opened and nearly hit me in the face . A crowd of students flew out the door and poured into the courtyard . Politely , I held the door open and waited for every last one of them to leave the room . The last person to leave was the last person I expected it to be . I rolled my eyes and pushed his shoulder . I didn 't even know where we were walking to , but we ended up at the east parking lot . I looked around for a moment in silence while standing next to Lucas waiting for the crosswalk to turn . He smiled and walked across the street with his golden hair being brushed by the light wind . As he walked away , I noticed he was slightly limping . I pushed it into the back of my mind for now and walked off towards the corner store with a small grin on my face . Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote August 17th , 2009 , 09 : 50 AM That was a very thought provoking chapter . It 's obvious Aaron can 't always stay on his sarcastic path . The counselor broke through and Luke has as well . He 's really not a bad ass after all . Now he has to come to terms with his sexuality and I hope Luke will begin that journey with him soon . Thanks for the update and looking for the next . Thanks for the speedy update . . . if only I could crank out quality work that quickly haha . I 'm VERY excited for the next chapter and to find out what this limp was all about . More more more ! ! ! Irish I knocked on his door three times , each knock slightly lower on the door than the other . I never noticed that I did it until now . Something about Lucas made me more aware of anything I did . Even my little weird things like my knock . The pizza in my left hand was starting to make my palm sweat , or at least that 's what I convinced myself was making it sweat . He opened the door and smiled at me . I opened the box and we each grabbed a slice . I sat back down in his chair and he flopped down on his bed and ate the slice in seconds . I laughed at him and he smiled awkwardly at me . A moment of silence passed between us as we ate . His eyes were glued to the ground and I could tell he was thinking of something that he wasn 't sure about saying . After I finished my slice , I took a deep breath . " Well it got me thinking , " he said , " And I thought about it all day . I 'm not trying to pry you for information or anything , but if you want we could make another deal . You tell me something , I 'll tell you something . " Lucas sat up and sat on the edge of his bed . He stared into my eyes and somehow , I felt a little better . The pain in my chest went away and I was able to hold the tears back a little better than before . " I came home from school one day and found her unconscious in the kitchen . I called 911 but it was too late . I found my mother dead that day . " " She worked so hard for me . She worked so hard to give me a good life … " I said , " But she never thought about what would happen to me if she was gone . " That did it . The tears pushed themselves out of my eyes and I fell forward into myself . Lucas stood up and kneeled down in front of me and caught me before I collapsed . He held me and I cried on his shoulder . " Aaron , that 's ok , " he said . He pulled me away from him and looked directly into my eyes . He placed both hands firmly , but gently , on my shoulders . " She obviously didn 't want you to know until it happened , " he said , " She was probably so scared about leaving you . She probably didn 't want you to have to live every single day in fear , and then have grief on top of that feeling after she died . It 's not wrong for you to be angry , but she probably didn 't tell you because of what knowing that she was going to die would do to you . " He looked firmly into my eyes . I could see his fixation , and from that I could tell that he did genuinely care about me . In my mind , I saw myself drowning . I couldn 't keep myself afloat , even though I had people around me trying to pull me out of the water . I was just about to give up and let myself fall beneath the surface , when I felt a hand grab my arm and lift me up . I looked into the eyes of my rescuer . The bright hazel colored eyes that penetrated my soul and brought down every barrier I had built . I looked back into his eyes and felt the pain be washed away . The tears stopped and I regained my composition . I took several deep breaths and calmed myself down . I sat up straight , never looking away from Lucas ' eyes . They made me feel safe . I nodded at him , but remained silent . I didn 't know what to do now . This was the most vulnerable I 've ever felt in my life . For the first time since my mom 's funeral , I cried in front of another person . I knew he felt the tension boiling inside me , so he wrapped his arms around me again to comfort me . I got up and put the movie in and pressed play . I sat back into the chair and he moved back onto his bed . I noticed he kept looking at me as if I were about to shatter into a million pieces . He walked over to his bookshelf , and I noticed his slight limp again . He turned around smiling with the case of October Sky in his hands . I must have had a worried look on my face or something because his smile disappeared and his eyes glazed over a bit . " It 's ok , " he said , " I talked to Jonathan this morning and he told me everything . He seemed so proud of it , so I yelled at him . Then he said , ' It 's not like I raped him or anything , ' and the next thing I knew , my fist flew into his face . I knocked him on the ground and he kicked me in the hip when I leaned in to help him up . " I smiled at him and he smiled back . At that moment , I felt like we were floating in a space of nothingness . There was nothing to worry about except whether or not we were flying or falling . That 's how it was with Lucas . I could be flying or falling , and it would make no difference to me . It was a challenge to be open with him , but at the same time I felt completely safe . We watched the movie in near silence . Apparently we both loved this movie so much that we could nearly recite the script . I swear at one point I saw him mouthing some of the words . But he just blushed and looked away from me . Lucas made me feel different than my other friends did . I didn 't have to worry about what I said or how I said it . I didn 't have to worry about whether or not I stepped on his toes . I didn 't have to worry about anything really . All I had to do was be myself and let him see my vulnerable side every once in a while . * * * It was nearly 11 at night when I got back to my dorm room . Jonathan was sitting at his desk . I could see very clearly where Lucas clocked him . I couldn 't help but smirk a little about it . " Look you little shit , " I said , " I really don 't care if you do drugs . You can OD on the shit for all I care . But if you EVER slip any of my friends any drugs again without them knowing about it , I swear to God I will rip off your balls and shove em down your throat . " " Do you have any idea what I did to people like you at my high school ? " I asked , " Well it would be NOTHING compared to what I would do to you if you came within 5 feet of Henry ever again . Do you understand me ? " He nodded with fear . I released my grip on his shirt and walked away from him . I didn 't hear him move at all , but when I looked back he was opening the door to leave . Wow ! How great to see Aaron being so vulnerable in telling Luke about his mother . Trusting another person so deeply takes a lot of fortitude . Then , along with Luke , being so protective of another friend . A maturity is growing within him and it suits him well . I like that he and Luke are bonding so well . Awesome chapter , ITC . Great work , ITC ! I love how comfortable he 's becoming with Luke . I can really feel this story going somewhere great ! I also enjoyed how both of them stood up for Henry , especially Aaron who only had Luke 's word on the matter . Aw ! THAT is Fantastic ! ! This is a Good story , itc ! THANK YOU ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote Page 1 of 9

Hey guys , so as promised I 've started on a new story . I 've been tweaking it for a couple days now , and I think it 's finally ready for public eyes . I wanna give a quick thanks to everyone who read and supported Graduation . And those who didn 't , well you should go read it : Graduation The clock that hung from the wall ticked loudly through the silence as the pendulum swung from side to side . I had probably been sitting there for 3 minutes without saying a word . What could I say though ? There was nothing on my mind and she seemed stubborn enough to not be the first one to break the silence between us . " Well , it 's really nothing huge . It 's just a bunch of little things . Homework , tests , social ties … stuff like that , " I said . The woman gently uncrossed and re - crossed her legs as she took a sip of her coffee . She stared at me beneath rectangular , black - rimmed glasses as if to signal me to continue . I really didn 't know what to say . I wasn 't even here by my own choice . Stupid school requirements were forcing me to come here . Apparently , when one student kills themselves , every other student must be suicidal as well . " I don 't know . I try to remind myself that I 'm actually doing pretty well in life . I think about that girl Rachel , the one who shot herself , and I just think about how messed up things must have been for her , " I said . " Not really , no . I mean , I didn 't actually know her so her death doesn 't make me sad . But I feel compassion for the people that cared about her . I 've seen them around and they look pretty fucked up , " I said . " It 's fine . No one is going to get mad at you here . I can have a fucking dirty mouth too sometimes , " she said with a smile . I smiled back at her , but it was just a courtesy smile . I really didn 't think I belonged here . On the outside , I was just a normal college student trying his best to do well in life . On the inside , I didn 't really care about much . All over , I was just your typical everyday teenager who just wanted to fit in and be accepted . " She 's great . We 've been friends since Junior High . She brings out the best kind of person in me . When I 'm around her , I just feel so free it 's as if I could be anyone I wanted to be , " I said . " There 's Carly 's boyfriend , Mike . He 's an ok guy . I wouldn 't consider him one of my best friends , but it 's important to Carly that I like him , so I do , " I said . " Well Aaron , from what I 've gathered there is no need for you to be in therapy . You are perfectly normal in every visual way . I 'll write up a dismissal form for you to turn in at the administrator 's office on campus … unless you want to tell me something else ? " she asked . We sat down at one of the picnic tables that were scattered around the campus . Carly dug right into her food but I just sat there playing with mine with my fork . The fork got stuck and I ended up flicking an olive into the air . I eyed her expression up and down . I was trying to tell if she was pulling my leg or if she was honestly suggesting this . She noticed me studying her face and stared back at me with a raised eyebrow . " Quite possibly , but more importantly I 'm actually serious . You 're so bitter and sarcastic all the time . You never actually talk about what 's bothering you , " she said . After Carly took off to her Philosophy class , I decided to walk around campus . My thought train was on several different tracks as it always was . The first track stayed focused on what I would talk about with the counselor . Would she ask me questions again , or would I have to come up with stuff on my own ? What if I couldn 't think of anything to say ? Did it really matter ? I shook my head at the thought . It didn 't matter at all because it wasn 't necessary . It 's not like there 's anything wrong with me . What 's a psychiatrist going to tell me that I don 't already know ? Whatever , it was for Carly anyway . As long as she was content with me then I was happy . She has no need to worry about me , and this was the only way to prove it to her . My second track was thinking about Rachel . Not about her death , but who she really was . I tried to come up with a picture of what her life was like before she killed herself . The news report said her brother and three of her friends were there when she did it . They said she tried to kill one of them , but her brother stopped her . It made me think that her brother was really close to her and meant a lot to her . But why would she kill herself instead of get help ? Did she really not want to live anymore or did she feel so ashamed about what she did that her brother wouldn 't love her anymore ? It was a sad thought , but I figured anyone who is desperate enough to kill themselves if it meant the pain would stop then she was beyond help . It was a sad thought sure , but it didn 't make me sad . Her brother must have had it rough though . If I had a brother or a sister , then I would probably be able to imagine what he felt . But I didn 't , so I didn 't care very much . My third track was about all the new people moving into the dorms after what happened . There were so few people living in the dorms before that I was able to live alone , but now I was being assigned a roommate . Joy . Another person that I have to socialize with every day , just what I wanted . I finally jumped off my thought train and looked at my watch realizing that it was 1 : 30 already . I decided to head back to the dorm and wait for my new roommate . When I walked past the main Administrator 's Office , I turned the corner sharply and accidentally bumped into someone . I hit my head against theirs and fell down on my ass . He lowered his hand towards me to lift me up . I rubbed my head with my left hand as I took his extended arm with my right . He pulled me up and steadied me . As my vision refocused I was able to see his face . He had a pair of bright green eyes fixated on me while I regained my balance . I took a step forward and wobbled a little . He grabbed my shoulder and laughed a little . Once I got my balance back I laughed a little as well and shook my head . " You want me to walk with you and make sure you don 't pass out ? " he asked flashing me his bright smile . We walked across the campus together , every now and then I would stumble a little and he caught me before I tripped over myself . Each time I did it he let out a chuckle . I probably looked like a complete idiot . We were about halfway across the campus when he started talking to me randomly . I looked up at him and admired him a little . I wasn 't a very creative person , and I respected those that were . I couldn 't draw anything to save my life , but I like looking at the work of those that could . He looked at me as we stopped outside of the north dorm building . His bright hazel eyes glimmered in the light from the sun . I studied them as discretely as I could and noticed that there was a hint of gold around the edges . He smiled and revealed a set of bright white teeth that would make a dentist jealous . I didn 't know what he was smiling at , so I raised an eyebrow at him . As he walked away , I tried to study what made him tick , and what made those thoughts slip out of my mind . Even with Carly , I kept all of my sarcasm in my head so I didn 't offend her at all . There was something different about Luke that I couldn 't quite put my finger on . He was like a book full of analogies and metaphors that made my brain itch . He was confusing and yet , I felt like I understood him at the same time . The only thing I didn 't understand was that bizarre question and answer session while we were walking . Did he honestly care if I was ok even though he just met me ? That had to be it ; and that officially made him tomorrow 's problem . Today 's problem was probably already upstairs unpacking it 's shit , and I had to go meet it and make nice with it for the rest of the semester . He was probably some weak little brainiac that was so afraid of the world that he had to move in with the big boys . It 's just what I needed this semester ; to be some pathetic genius ' bodyguard . I flopped down on my bed and closed my eyes for a moment . My thoughts instantly drifted to Lucas … I mean Luke . What was his deal ? No one could be that nice to someone they just met . Fuck , now I was obsessing . I opened my eyes and rubbed the spot on my forehead where his head hit mine . Just then the door popped open and my new roommate stepped inside , followed closely by that awkward moment . I think I 'm going to like this story ! Off to a really great start . I think I have a feeling who Aaron 's new roommate is going to be BTW , I LOVED Graduation ! ! ! You have such compelling storylines and I have a feeling I won 't be disappointed with this one either . Can 't wait for more ! ! already I have noticed some parallels ! rachel killed herself in " Graduation " and also had a brother who was concerned - - same here . I 'm guessing lucas / luke is the love interest ? he has sparking green eyes ( and a killer smile ) , just like Cameron . Reply With Quote July 18th , 2009 , 10 : 56 PM Hmmm ! Haven 't read " Graduation " . . . yet ! . . . but , I 'm liking this one . . . a LOT ! PLEASE keep up the great work ! I 'm definitely looking forward to reading more of YOU ! Very interesting perspective ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote July 19th , 2009 , 01 : 16 AM How great to sign on today and see one of my favorite authors had started a new story . I like the approach this one has and as ASDF pointed out , there are the parallels with " Graduation . " Who would have thought that a tragic event such as Rachael killing herself would have such a wide effect on someone that didn 't even know her . I can tell this is going to be as brilliant a story as " Graduation " but with an entirely new cast of characters . Looking forward to a long read . already I have noticed some parallels ! rachel killed herself in " Graduation " and also had a brother who was concerned - - same here . I 'm guessing lucas / luke is the love interest ? he has sparking green eyes ( and a killer smile ) , just like Cameron . Oops looks like I overlooked something while I was editing . His eyes were supposed to be Hazel . I guess I just missed that one And I 'm glad you guys like it so far . I 'm gonna start chapter two today and hopefully be finished soon . Thanks for the support guys ! Great start ! I really enjoyed " Graduation " , I think I 'll like this story too . Looking forward to chapter 2 already ! Reply With Quote July 23rd , 2009 , 05 : 34 AM ITC this is a great beginning . Looking forward to more . I know that it will be just as fantastic as Graduation and I think you know by now that that story was the greatest . H & K " He 's ok . He 's kinda quiet though . After he unpacked he just sat at his desk playing games on his computer , " I said . Henry and I were sitting in the Student Hall on campus . The building was amazing . It had a big sitting / study area on the main floor , a library on the second floor , and a bunch of little shops , food places , and even a bowling alley in the underground area . I sat on my favorite couch in the room and Henry sat in the armchair sitting adjacent to me . I turned around and looked at the doors behind me . Jonathan was standing there looking awkwardly into the crowd for a place to sit down . I couldn 't help but feel sorry for him . He honestly looked like a guy who just needed a friend . He turned his head and saw me staring at him , so I gave a kind of half wave at him . He looked away instantly and walked towards the stairs . Jonathan stopped dead in his tracks . He looked over at us and saw Henry waving him over to our area . I could see his hesitation and smell his fear from where I was sitting . I nodded at him when he turned his dark brown eyes to me . After a moment of awkward pause , he shifted his feet and walked slowly over to us . I found myself hating him a little bit . Not because he was so awkward , but because he didn 't seem to even want a social life . It was as if he was battling with himself on the inside , and I couldn 't tell if he was winning or losing . He was very difficult to read and for that , I couldn 't help but hate him . No one has been able to hide themselves from me for very long , but this kid was actually giving me a challenge . As he sat down on the opposite end of the couch I was sitting on , there was an awkward moment of silence between us . I gave a quick stink eye at him when he sat on my couch , but hid it before he or Henry could see it . I turned my attention to my laptop which had the website , Fmylife open . Henry noticed my shift in focus and started talking to Jonathan . Tuning out their conversation , I retreated into my thoughts . I nodded at appropriate times and feigned interest like I always did . To be honest , the conversations about this Rachel girl were getting repetitive . Someone who had minimal interaction with her would find someone else who had even less interaction with her and express what a " shock " it was when it happened . I was a little surprised when my thoughts crossed over the pain in my forehead , and suddenly all I could think of was Lucas . He perplexed me . He seemed to genuinely care about my wellbeing , but yet he didn 't ask for my number or ask to walk me up to my room or whatever . I concluded on the thought that he really didn 't care , and that he was just making sure I didn 't want to sue him or anything . My thoughts were interrupted by Henry 's voice . * * * Walking into the club , I heard the sounds of my favorite band , Paramore . Carly immediately began dancing to the tune of Crushcrushcrush as we were walking down the stairs to the main floor of the club . She flung her dark brown hair around in sync with the beat of the song and she pulled Mike out to the dance floor . Henry and I sat at the bar and saw Jonathan walking down the stairs . He was closely followed by Lucas and his eyes magnetically stuck to mine from across the room . I saw a smile creep across his face . He and Jonathan made their way over to the bar , but our eyes never separated . His were full of amusement , while mine were filled with annoyance . I gave him a glare and he burst into laughter . Jonathan and Henry broke off and started chatting while Lucas and I had a couple drinks . Lucas and I just sat at the bar talking about the music they were playing . I sat there stunned for a moment . No way were he and I in the same place at the same time worshiping the same band . I must have been staring for a few minutes because he broke me out of my trance by waving his hand in my face . We sat there as the final line of a song neither of us was paying attention to finished . Eagerly awaiting the next song to play , I looked around and noticed that everyone else was gone . The DJ shut off the sound system and the bartender told us they were closing in a few minutes . We stared at each other with wide eyes and disbelief . He got off his stool and motioned towards the staircase . I wiped my hands on my jeans and walked past him up the stairs . The cool , crisp air outside felt refreshing after being inside for God knows how long . I stretched a bit as Lucas emerged out of the stairway and chuckled at me . He smiled at me and I smiled back . It was then that I realized that I was doing exactly what I didn 't want to do . Acting on instinct , my mind took over and I broke this moment between us . I tried desperately to think of a rational excuse to keep from walking back with him , but failed miserably . I just nodded and walked beside him , not saying a word the whole mile and a half to the dorm . He tried to talk to me , but I made it very clear that I was " too tired to think " so he gave up after the third avoided question . We walked up the stairs of the dorm building and stood outside my room for a moment . Lucas burst into laughter that carried across the courtyard . We walked into the other dorm building and up the stairs to the third floor where Lucas ' room was . This building was much younger and nicer than the one I was living in . We walked into the room and my jaw nearly fell off when I saw the interior . It was at least twice as big as my room , and he didn 't even have a roommate . I went into the bathroom to take a piss and change and I came out to see him already under his covers . I walked softly over to the bed and sat down on it . As usual , I went over the day 's events in my head as a way of cataloguing any significance in any moment . I stopped at the brief moment between Lucas and I outside the club and couldn 't decide if that was significant . Without thinking , I blurted out a question to Lucas . I turned over and lay down on the bed . I stared at the ceiling and kept thinking about that exchange of smiles . As much as I disliked the idea , I had found a new friend in Lucas Harper . That wasn 't what was bothering me though . The issue I was bumping up against was whether or not I would drive him away . He was so different from the people I was friends with . Carly and Henry were just as closed of as I was … I mean am . But Lucas has a warming quality that I was afraid of breaking . I turned over , facing away from Lucas , and started drifting off to sleep . I could hear him lightly snoring from his bed behind me , and for the first time in a while , I let out a genuine laugh . It wasn 't forced or fake . And that 's when I realized that I actually liked Lucas . I was friends with Henry because we were in the same social group and had similar taste in music . I was friends with Carly because we 've been together nearly since birth . And right now , I couldn 't really tell if I actually liked either of them . THANK YOU ! , itc ! Excellent ! Been waiting for this 2nd chapter , and , in the mean time , read " Graduation " ! Now I understand the " tie in " here . Fantastic ! ! I 'm truly enjoying your writing style ! And , especially appreciate your including Aaron 's " inner conversation " with himself . Definitely looking forward to more ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote August 10th , 2009 , 11 : 44 AM Happy to see an addition to the story . I am certain Aaron and Lucas are going to be very good friends . . . . . . . . . . . . hopefully more . Like Littletosay , I wonder if Henry and Jonathan are getting to know each other . . . lol Great chapter ITC ! I felt the vibrations of my phone beneath my pillow . It was just loud enough to wake me , but not enough to stir Lucas out of his sleep . I slowly and quietly changed clothes and left his room . The sun was barely coming up and all I could think of was how much I missed my mother . I clutched the locket that hid beneath my shirt as my breathing became heavy with grief . I looked away from the sunrise and just walked around for a little while . I felt bad for leaving Lucas like that , but it was pointless for me to let myself get close to someone else . I listened to the voice in my head telling me that I had enough . Any more than what I already have would just make things harder . I would have just left it at that , but then I heard a voice I hadn 't heard in a long time . There was a name I hadn 't thought of in years . He was a lot like Lucas , or at least what I 've witnessed from Lucas so far . We complemented each other like cheese and macaroni . Everyone thought we were twins because between the two of us , we knew everything . We were like two halves of an apple . At least , until his dad 's company relocated his family to a small town three states away . That was about two years before I met Henry . If it weren 't for Carly I wouldn 't have even had Henry . But life has been hard enough since then , I don 't need someone else who I am certain will cause me pain one day . The argument in my mind subsided as I once again listened to my negativity and decided that Lucas was too good for me to even try to be his friend . I passed through the doors of my dorm building and saw Henry laying on one of the couches in the lounge . He looked totally smashed from last night . I walked up to him and flicked his ear . When I got him up to his dorm room , I went back downstairs to mine to see if Jonathan was still there . I looked at my watch and it was now 7 : 30 a . m . I poked my head into the room and saw that no one was inside . It reeked of sex so I grabbed the air freshener and just blasted it around the room . I sat on my bed and dropped my head into my hands for a moment . I actually didn 't know Henry as well as I thought . He could have done it himself , but I didn 't want to believe it . I especially didn 't want to because it was our usually breakfast day . It was the only morning the three of us had off at the same time , so we went to the local IHOP and caught up with the week 's events . I shoved my sausages into my mouth and listened to Carly drone on about her and Mike . I honestly couldn 't care less , but as usual I feigned interest and kept any conflict to a minimum . At any second I expected my thoughts to drift away from Carly incessant yammering . And there it was . I forgot my wallet . I don 't even remember where I put it . I felt around all my pockets and nothing . Thankfully it was Carly 's day to pay so I didn 't have to worry as much . * * * I sat down in my chair near the door and planted my face in my arms . I absolutely hated this class . Well , more the professor than the class . He and I were total opposites and we viewed the world completely differently . We constantly argued about the " meaning " of everything since I just believe that the world is in constant chaos and things just happen . We never agreed on anything and being the asshole I am , I always had to argue my point until both of us gave up , or he kicked me out of the class . He walked away towards the back of the room . I saw him sit down in the back row and felt a rush of guilt overwhelm me . I got up and went to sit next to him . " I just assigned a report . You partner up with someone you don 't know or barely know and study them . Then you write a full report about why you think they are the way they are , " he said . I looked at Lucas and he looked back at me . A smile began to penetrate the stern look on his face that he was holding for so long , but he quickly stopped it . I held up my hand to ask a question and Robbins took a deep breath . I smiled when he turned away . I don 't know what made me feel better , freaking out the entire class , or having an academic reason to be friends with Lucas . I turned to Lucas with the smile still on my face and saw the shock on his . He stared at me in disbelief as I chuckled at everyone 's confusion . When class was dismissed , Lucas and I walked towards the parking lot together . There was silence between us that I wanted him to be the one to break . I wanted to think of something to say , but my mind was running on empty . " I 'm sorry , I really can 't . I promised Carly I 'd go see that counselor again . I have to go around 6 : 30 . " I said . I was . The first genuine smile on my face in two years , and Lucas was causing it . I had no idea what that actually meant . I just knew that I wanted to be around Lucas as much as I possibly could . We sat down at one of the tables outside . The light breeze swept through the little junction of stores . Lucas jumped face first into his sandwich while I slowly picked at my pasta . " Ok , " I said pulling the small locket out from under my shirt collar , " This locket belonged to my mother . She bought it one day when we went to Sea World . She always loved dolphins and when she saw this … she said it was the third time in her life that she was absolutely certain about something she wanted . " " I found it one day shortly before I left for school , and I put a picture of her in it . I wear it everyday to remind myself that what I 'm doing is important for me . No matter how far away I am , when I 'm wearing this locket I feel like I 'm right where I belong . " " Alright well , when I was a kid I always wanted to have a dog . My neighbor had a Doberman puppy and I was absolutely in love with it . But my dad was crazy allergic to dog hair , so we couldn 't have one , " he said . " Yeah … so anyway , when I was like 8 or 9 , my dad had a business trip up in Lake Tahoe , so my parents decided to just make it into a family vacation since it was during the summer . My mom and I were walking down a little junction of stores and I walked by this toy store . I looked in the window and saw this little Doberman Beanie Baby , " he said . " I know , I know , guys and Beanie Babies just don 't really mix , but I was just a kid . I begged my mom for like 20 minutes to buy it for me until she was finally convinced that it would keep me from begging for a real dog . As soon as I got it in my arms , I was never apart from it . I loved that dog so much , " he said . I looked at Lucas completely differently . The compassion and kindness that he had wasn 't something he did voluntarily . From his story , I could tell that it was just natural for him . I smiled back at him and nodded . At that moment , it was like everything slowed down . I looked into his bright hazel eyes and saw the vulnerability . I wasn 't looking at his vulnerability , but I could see myself in the reflection of his eyes . I was looking at mine . I had never told anyone about the locket I held with me everyday . I never reached that level of connection with anyone . And yet , here I sat with a near stranger , and I just spilled information about one of my greatest possessions without much provocation from him . It was like that deal between us established a trust that would take most people years to build . We instantly had a " You give , I give " connection . It felt amazing not only to trust someone so easily , but also to be trusted by that person with the same level of ease . I felt different , almost refreshed . I could feel the changes happening inside me . The warmth I locked away so many years ago was bubbling to the surface and pushing out the cold , logical , and emotionless version of me . That was an amazing chapter . I 'm really feeling for Luke and Aaron now . Hopefully they 'll get to be better friends . . . if Aaron 's head doesn 't do him in . What a great story - so well written ! I love the way you let us in to AAron 's inner voices . . . and I could feel the connection happening - blossoming ! I am an incurable romantic - I am loving this ! ! ! Hugs ! Reply With Quote August 15th , 2009 , 09 : 00 PM That was a wonderfully warm and touching chapter . Trust like that does not come easily . I have a feeling Aaron is going to be a little more reasonable with the counselor . He has something important to relay this time . Luke has that inner connection that anyone would be happy to share . Obviously he has some of the same concerns regarding friendships that Aaron has . I like the way things are going in this story . Eager to read the next chapter . Hey guys , so this chapter is a bit shorter but I wanted to get this part out of the way as soon as possible . I think I 've allowed you all get a better feel for Aaron in this chapter and I 'm going to bring in a few subtle hints and a few not so subtle hints with the next few chapters . Enjoy Wings of A Butterfly Veronica looked at me through her black rimmed glasses as I sat in the chair across from her . I subtly looked around the room to try and get a read on her in case I needed some ammo . She offered me a glass of tea , which I reluctantly accepted . Veronica examined me for a moment , as if to check for subtle hints that could actually lead her somewhere . She picked up her cup and sipped at her tea with her eyes closed . When she opened her eyes it was like a fire had been lit in her soul . She held more energy in them , as if she found something she could use . " I believe you agreed because you value your relationship with Carly , but you 're afraid of feeling vulnerable with another human being . So you fight them every step of the way , but you still end up doing things for them . You do it so you appear to care about them , but to also tell them that you wish you didn 't , " she said . " You think you know me after talking to me twice ? Well let me tell you something , you don 't know a thing about me . So you can sit up here in your little room with all your credentials hanging up on the wall and listen to other people complain about their problems . But me , I 'm going out there . I 'm going to do something that actually matters to the world . So you can take your assumptions about me and shove them up your ass because you have no idea why I am the way that I am . " I bolted out of my seat and stormed over towards the door . She was up and at the door faster than I could reach it . She held her hand against the door as I was trying to open it and storm out of the room . She looked calmly into my eyes and somehow forced the rage that was boiling under my skin to subside . She slowly walked back to her seat . As she sat down she motioned toward the chair for me to sit back down . I turned to face her and crossed my arms . " Before you can face whatever makes you afraid of connecting with other people , you need to tell at least one person what it is , " she said , " It doesn 't have to be me , it can be anyone . But until you tell someone , you 'll always be afraid of it . You 'll keep pushing people out of your life just as you 're about to get close to them . " Defeated , I walked back over to the chair across from her . I stared directly into her dark blue eyes . There was no anger or judgment in them . There was no hostility or restraint in mine either . I couldn 't see it , but I definitely felt it . " Aaron , there is no need for an apology . What you did was a classic outburst . In a way , it made it easier to see who you really are underneath this façade you portray , " she said . She looked up at me with confusion on her face . Her lips pursed and her brow wrinkled with intense thought . I noticed her right hand start flipping her pen around her fingers , something that my Psych professor said people do when they are working something over in their mind . She paused for a second . She put down her sandwich and kept her eyes low . She placed her arms on the table across her chest . Her eyes slowly looked up into mine and examined me for a moment . " Aaron , you haven 't been involved with any girl that I know of since I met you . You haven 't given any reason to believe that you 're straight . You 've never even stated whether you were straight or not . So yeah , I can believe that she may have thought so . " I grabbed my things and walked away . The wind was blowing gently , so I decided to follow it and see where it took me . I really didn 't care . It was Friday afternoon , and two days since I last saw Lucas . Me , being the idiot that I am , forgot to get his number . And both times I knocked on his door were not answered . I was walking by the Science and Health Studies building when a door opened and nearly hit me in the face . A crowd of students flew out the door and poured into the courtyard . Politely , I held the door open and waited for every last one of them to leave the room . The last person to leave was the last person I expected it to be . I rolled my eyes and pushed his shoulder . I didn 't even know where we were walking to , but we ended up at the east parking lot . I looked around for a moment in silence while standing next to Lucas waiting for the crosswalk to turn . He smiled and walked across the street with his golden hair being brushed by the light wind . As he walked away , I noticed he was slightly limping . I pushed it into the back of my mind for now and walked off towards the corner store with a small grin on my face . Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote August 17th , 2009 , 09 : 50 AM That was a very thought provoking chapter . It 's obvious Aaron can 't always stay on his sarcastic path . The counselor broke through and Luke has as well . He 's really not a bad ass after all . Now he has to come to terms with his sexuality and I hope Luke will begin that journey with him soon . Thanks for the update and looking for the next . Thanks for the speedy update . . . if only I could crank out quality work that quickly haha . I 'm VERY excited for the next chapter and to find out what this limp was all about . More more more ! ! ! Irish I knocked on his door three times , each knock slightly lower on the door than the other . I never noticed that I did it until now . Something about Lucas made me more aware of anything I did . Even my little weird things like my knock . The pizza in my left hand was starting to make my palm sweat , or at least that 's what I convinced myself was making it sweat . He opened the door and smiled at me . I opened the box and we each grabbed a slice . I sat back down in his chair and he flopped down on his bed and ate the slice in seconds . I laughed at him and he smiled awkwardly at me . A moment of silence passed between us as we ate . His eyes were glued to the ground and I could tell he was thinking of something that he wasn 't sure about saying . After I finished my slice , I took a deep breath . " Well it got me thinking , " he said , " And I thought about it all day . I 'm not trying to pry you for information or anything , but if you want we could make another deal . You tell me something , I 'll tell you something . " Lucas sat up and sat on the edge of his bed . He stared into my eyes and somehow , I felt a little better . The pain in my chest went away and I was able to hold the tears back a little better than before . " I came home from school one day and found her unconscious in the kitchen . I called 911 but it was too late . I found my mother dead that day . " " She worked so hard for me . She worked so hard to give me a good life … " I said , " But she never thought about what would happen to me if she was gone . " That did it . The tears pushed themselves out of my eyes and I fell forward into myself . Lucas stood up and kneeled down in front of me and caught me before I collapsed . He held me and I cried on his shoulder . " Aaron , that 's ok , " he said . He pulled me away from him and looked directly into my eyes . He placed both hands firmly , but gently , on my shoulders . " She obviously didn 't want you to know until it happened , " he said , " She was probably so scared about leaving you . She probably didn 't want you to have to live every single day in fear , and then have grief on top of that feeling after she died . It 's not wrong for you to be angry , but she probably didn 't tell you because of what knowing that she was going to die would do to you . " He looked firmly into my eyes . I could see his fixation , and from that I could tell that he did genuinely care about me . In my mind , I saw myself drowning . I couldn 't keep myself afloat , even though I had people around me trying to pull me out of the water . I was just about to give up and let myself fall beneath the surface , when I felt a hand grab my arm and lift me up . I looked into the eyes of my rescuer . The bright hazel colored eyes that penetrated my soul and brought down every barrier I had built . I looked back into his eyes and felt the pain be washed away . The tears stopped and I regained my composition . I took several deep breaths and calmed myself down . I sat up straight , never looking away from Lucas ' eyes . They made me feel safe . I nodded at him , but remained silent . I didn 't know what to do now . This was the most vulnerable I 've ever felt in my life . For the first time since my mom 's funeral , I cried in front of another person . I knew he felt the tension boiling inside me , so he wrapped his arms around me again to comfort me . I got up and put the movie in and pressed play . I sat back into the chair and he moved back onto his bed . I noticed he kept looking at me as if I were about to shatter into a million pieces . He walked over to his bookshelf , and I noticed his slight limp again . He turned around smiling with the case of October Sky in his hands . I must have had a worried look on my face or something because his smile disappeared and his eyes glazed over a bit . " It 's ok , " he said , " I talked to Jonathan this morning and he told me everything . He seemed so proud of it , so I yelled at him . Then he said , ' It 's not like I raped him or anything , ' and the next thing I knew , my fist flew into his face . I knocked him on the ground and he kicked me in the hip when I leaned in to help him up . " I smiled at him and he smiled back . At that moment , I felt like we were floating in a space of nothingness . There was nothing to worry about except whether or not we were flying or falling . That 's how it was with Lucas . I could be flying or falling , and it would make no difference to me . It was a challenge to be open with him , but at the same time I felt completely safe . We watched the movie in near silence . Apparently we both loved this movie so much that we could nearly recite the script . I swear at one point I saw him mouthing some of the words . But he just blushed and looked away from me . Lucas made me feel different than my other friends did . I didn 't have to worry about what I said or how I said it . I didn 't have to worry about whether or not I stepped on his toes . I didn 't have to worry about anything really . All I had to do was be myself and let him see my vulnerable side every once in a while . * * * It was nearly 11 at night when I got back to my dorm room . Jonathan was sitting at his desk . I could see very clearly where Lucas clocked him . I couldn 't help but smirk a little about it . " Look you little shit , " I said , " I really don 't care if you do drugs . You can OD on the shit for all I care . But if you EVER slip any of my friends any drugs again without them knowing about it , I swear to God I will rip off your balls and shove em down your throat . " " Do you have any idea what I did to people like you at my high school ? " I asked , " Well it would be NOTHING compared to what I would do to you if you came within 5 feet of Henry ever again . Do you understand me ? " He nodded with fear . I released my grip on his shirt and walked away from him . I didn 't hear him move at all , but when I looked back he was opening the door to leave . Wow ! How great to see Aaron being so vulnerable in telling Luke about his mother . Trusting another person so deeply takes a lot of fortitude . Then , along with Luke , being so protective of another friend . A maturity is growing within him and it suits him well . I like that he and Luke are bonding so well . Awesome chapter , ITC . Great work , ITC ! I love how comfortable he 's becoming with Luke . I can really feel this story going somewhere great ! I also enjoyed how both of them stood up for Henry , especially Aaron who only had Luke 's word on the matter . Aw ! THAT is Fantastic ! ! This is a Good story , itc ! THANK YOU ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote Page 1 of 9

Hey guys , so as promised I 've started on a new story . I 've been tweaking it for a couple days now , and I think it 's finally ready for public eyes . I wanna give a quick thanks to everyone who read and supported Graduation . And those who didn 't , well you should go read it : Graduation The clock that hung from the wall ticked loudly through the silence as the pendulum swung from side to side . I had probably been sitting there for 3 minutes without saying a word . What could I say though ? There was nothing on my mind and she seemed stubborn enough to not be the first one to break the silence between us . " Well , it 's really nothing huge . It 's just a bunch of little things . Homework , tests , social ties … stuff like that , " I said . The woman gently uncrossed and re - crossed her legs as she took a sip of her coffee . She stared at me beneath rectangular , black - rimmed glasses as if to signal me to continue . I really didn 't know what to say . I wasn 't even here by my own choice . Stupid school requirements were forcing me to come here . Apparently , when one student kills themselves , every other student must be suicidal as well . " I don 't know . I try to remind myself that I 'm actually doing pretty well in life . I think about that girl Rachel , the one who shot herself , and I just think about how messed up things must have been for her , " I said . " Not really , no . I mean , I didn 't actually know her so her death doesn 't make me sad . But I feel compassion for the people that cared about her . I 've seen them around and they look pretty fucked up , " I said . " It 's fine . No one is going to get mad at you here . I can have a fucking dirty mouth too sometimes , " she said with a smile . I smiled back at her , but it was just a courtesy smile . I really didn 't think I belonged here . On the outside , I was just a normal college student trying his best to do well in life . On the inside , I didn 't really care about much . All over , I was just your typical everyday teenager who just wanted to fit in and be accepted . " She 's great . We 've been friends since Junior High . She brings out the best kind of person in me . When I 'm around her , I just feel so free it 's as if I could be anyone I wanted to be , " I said . " There 's Carly 's boyfriend , Mike . He 's an ok guy . I wouldn 't consider him one of my best friends , but it 's important to Carly that I like him , so I do , " I said . " Well Aaron , from what I 've gathered there is no need for you to be in therapy . You are perfectly normal in every visual way . I 'll write up a dismissal form for you to turn in at the administrator 's office on campus … unless you want to tell me something else ? " she asked . We sat down at one of the picnic tables that were scattered around the campus . Carly dug right into her food but I just sat there playing with mine with my fork . The fork got stuck and I ended up flicking an olive into the air . I eyed her expression up and down . I was trying to tell if she was pulling my leg or if she was honestly suggesting this . She noticed me studying her face and stared back at me with a raised eyebrow . " Quite possibly , but more importantly I 'm actually serious . You 're so bitter and sarcastic all the time . You never actually talk about what 's bothering you , " she said . After Carly took off to her Philosophy class , I decided to walk around campus . My thought train was on several different tracks as it always was . The first track stayed focused on what I would talk about with the counselor . Would she ask me questions again , or would I have to come up with stuff on my own ? What if I couldn 't think of anything to say ? Did it really matter ? I shook my head at the thought . It didn 't matter at all because it wasn 't necessary . It 's not like there 's anything wrong with me . What 's a psychiatrist going to tell me that I don 't already know ? Whatever , it was for Carly anyway . As long as she was content with me then I was happy . She has no need to worry about me , and this was the only way to prove it to her . My second track was thinking about Rachel . Not about her death , but who she really was . I tried to come up with a picture of what her life was like before she killed herself . The news report said her brother and three of her friends were there when she did it . They said she tried to kill one of them , but her brother stopped her . It made me think that her brother was really close to her and meant a lot to her . But why would she kill herself instead of get help ? Did she really not want to live anymore or did she feel so ashamed about what she did that her brother wouldn 't love her anymore ? It was a sad thought , but I figured anyone who is desperate enough to kill themselves if it meant the pain would stop then she was beyond help . It was a sad thought sure , but it didn 't make me sad . Her brother must have had it rough though . If I had a brother or a sister , then I would probably be able to imagine what he felt . But I didn 't , so I didn 't care very much . My third track was about all the new people moving into the dorms after what happened . There were so few people living in the dorms before that I was able to live alone , but now I was being assigned a roommate . Joy . Another person that I have to socialize with every day , just what I wanted . I finally jumped off my thought train and looked at my watch realizing that it was 1 : 30 already . I decided to head back to the dorm and wait for my new roommate . When I walked past the main Administrator 's Office , I turned the corner sharply and accidentally bumped into someone . I hit my head against theirs and fell down on my ass . He lowered his hand towards me to lift me up . I rubbed my head with my left hand as I took his extended arm with my right . He pulled me up and steadied me . As my vision refocused I was able to see his face . He had a pair of bright green eyes fixated on me while I regained my balance . I took a step forward and wobbled a little . He grabbed my shoulder and laughed a little . Once I got my balance back I laughed a little as well and shook my head . " You want me to walk with you and make sure you don 't pass out ? " he asked flashing me his bright smile . We walked across the campus together , every now and then I would stumble a little and he caught me before I tripped over myself . Each time I did it he let out a chuckle . I probably looked like a complete idiot . We were about halfway across the campus when he started talking to me randomly . I looked up at him and admired him a little . I wasn 't a very creative person , and I respected those that were . I couldn 't draw anything to save my life , but I like looking at the work of those that could . He looked at me as we stopped outside of the north dorm building . His bright hazel eyes glimmered in the light from the sun . I studied them as discretely as I could and noticed that there was a hint of gold around the edges . He smiled and revealed a set of bright white teeth that would make a dentist jealous . I didn 't know what he was smiling at , so I raised an eyebrow at him . As he walked away , I tried to study what made him tick , and what made those thoughts slip out of my mind . Even with Carly , I kept all of my sarcasm in my head so I didn 't offend her at all . There was something different about Luke that I couldn 't quite put my finger on . He was like a book full of analogies and metaphors that made my brain itch . He was confusing and yet , I felt like I understood him at the same time . The only thing I didn 't understand was that bizarre question and answer session while we were walking . Did he honestly care if I was ok even though he just met me ? That had to be it ; and that officially made him tomorrow 's problem . Today 's problem was probably already upstairs unpacking it 's shit , and I had to go meet it and make nice with it for the rest of the semester . He was probably some weak little brainiac that was so afraid of the world that he had to move in with the big boys . It 's just what I needed this semester ; to be some pathetic genius ' bodyguard . I flopped down on my bed and closed my eyes for a moment . My thoughts instantly drifted to Lucas … I mean Luke . What was his deal ? No one could be that nice to someone they just met . Fuck , now I was obsessing . I opened my eyes and rubbed the spot on my forehead where his head hit mine . Just then the door popped open and my new roommate stepped inside , followed closely by that awkward moment . I think I 'm going to like this story ! Off to a really great start . I think I have a feeling who Aaron 's new roommate is going to be BTW , I LOVED Graduation ! ! ! You have such compelling storylines and I have a feeling I won 't be disappointed with this one either . Can 't wait for more ! ! already I have noticed some parallels ! rachel killed herself in " Graduation " and also had a brother who was concerned - - same here . I 'm guessing lucas / luke is the love interest ? he has sparking green eyes ( and a killer smile ) , just like Cameron . Reply With Quote July 18th , 2009 , 10 : 56 PM Hmmm ! Haven 't read " Graduation " . . . yet ! . . . but , I 'm liking this one . . . a LOT ! PLEASE keep up the great work ! I 'm definitely looking forward to reading more of YOU ! Very interesting perspective ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote July 19th , 2009 , 01 : 16 AM How great to sign on today and see one of my favorite authors had started a new story . I like the approach this one has and as ASDF pointed out , there are the parallels with " Graduation . " Who would have thought that a tragic event such as Rachael killing herself would have such a wide effect on someone that didn 't even know her . I can tell this is going to be as brilliant a story as " Graduation " but with an entirely new cast of characters . Looking forward to a long read . already I have noticed some parallels ! rachel killed herself in " Graduation " and also had a brother who was concerned - - same here . I 'm guessing lucas / luke is the love interest ? he has sparking green eyes ( and a killer smile ) , just like Cameron . Oops looks like I overlooked something while I was editing . His eyes were supposed to be Hazel . I guess I just missed that one And I 'm glad you guys like it so far . I 'm gonna start chapter two today and hopefully be finished soon . Thanks for the support guys ! Great start ! I really enjoyed " Graduation " , I think I 'll like this story too . Looking forward to chapter 2 already ! Reply With Quote July 23rd , 2009 , 05 : 34 AM ITC this is a great beginning . Looking forward to more . I know that it will be just as fantastic as Graduation and I think you know by now that that story was the greatest . H & K " He 's ok . He 's kinda quiet though . After he unpacked he just sat at his desk playing games on his computer , " I said . Henry and I were sitting in the Student Hall on campus . The building was amazing . It had a big sitting / study area on the main floor , a library on the second floor , and a bunch of little shops , food places , and even a bowling alley in the underground area . I sat on my favorite couch in the room and Henry sat in the armchair sitting adjacent to me . I turned around and looked at the doors behind me . Jonathan was standing there looking awkwardly into the crowd for a place to sit down . I couldn 't help but feel sorry for him . He honestly looked like a guy who just needed a friend . He turned his head and saw me staring at him , so I gave a kind of half wave at him . He looked away instantly and walked towards the stairs . Jonathan stopped dead in his tracks . He looked over at us and saw Henry waving him over to our area . I could see his hesitation and smell his fear from where I was sitting . I nodded at him when he turned his dark brown eyes to me . After a moment of awkward pause , he shifted his feet and walked slowly over to us . I found myself hating him a little bit . Not because he was so awkward , but because he didn 't seem to even want a social life . It was as if he was battling with himself on the inside , and I couldn 't tell if he was winning or losing . He was very difficult to read and for that , I couldn 't help but hate him . No one has been able to hide themselves from me for very long , but this kid was actually giving me a challenge . As he sat down on the opposite end of the couch I was sitting on , there was an awkward moment of silence between us . I gave a quick stink eye at him when he sat on my couch , but hid it before he or Henry could see it . I turned my attention to my laptop which had the website , Fmylife open . Henry noticed my shift in focus and started talking to Jonathan . Tuning out their conversation , I retreated into my thoughts . I nodded at appropriate times and feigned interest like I always did . To be honest , the conversations about this Rachel girl were getting repetitive . Someone who had minimal interaction with her would find someone else who had even less interaction with her and express what a " shock " it was when it happened . I was a little surprised when my thoughts crossed over the pain in my forehead , and suddenly all I could think of was Lucas . He perplexed me . He seemed to genuinely care about my wellbeing , but yet he didn 't ask for my number or ask to walk me up to my room or whatever . I concluded on the thought that he really didn 't care , and that he was just making sure I didn 't want to sue him or anything . My thoughts were interrupted by Henry 's voice . * * * Walking into the club , I heard the sounds of my favorite band , Paramore . Carly immediately began dancing to the tune of Crushcrushcrush as we were walking down the stairs to the main floor of the club . She flung her dark brown hair around in sync with the beat of the song and she pulled Mike out to the dance floor . Henry and I sat at the bar and saw Jonathan walking down the stairs . He was closely followed by Lucas and his eyes magnetically stuck to mine from across the room . I saw a smile creep across his face . He and Jonathan made their way over to the bar , but our eyes never separated . His were full of amusement , while mine were filled with annoyance . I gave him a glare and he burst into laughter . Jonathan and Henry broke off and started chatting while Lucas and I had a couple drinks . Lucas and I just sat at the bar talking about the music they were playing . I sat there stunned for a moment . No way were he and I in the same place at the same time worshiping the same band . I must have been staring for a few minutes because he broke me out of my trance by waving his hand in my face . We sat there as the final line of a song neither of us was paying attention to finished . Eagerly awaiting the next song to play , I looked around and noticed that everyone else was gone . The DJ shut off the sound system and the bartender told us they were closing in a few minutes . We stared at each other with wide eyes and disbelief . He got off his stool and motioned towards the staircase . I wiped my hands on my jeans and walked past him up the stairs . The cool , crisp air outside felt refreshing after being inside for God knows how long . I stretched a bit as Lucas emerged out of the stairway and chuckled at me . He smiled at me and I smiled back . It was then that I realized that I was doing exactly what I didn 't want to do . Acting on instinct , my mind took over and I broke this moment between us . I tried desperately to think of a rational excuse to keep from walking back with him , but failed miserably . I just nodded and walked beside him , not saying a word the whole mile and a half to the dorm . He tried to talk to me , but I made it very clear that I was " too tired to think " so he gave up after the third avoided question . We walked up the stairs of the dorm building and stood outside my room for a moment . Lucas burst into laughter that carried across the courtyard . We walked into the other dorm building and up the stairs to the third floor where Lucas ' room was . This building was much younger and nicer than the one I was living in . We walked into the room and my jaw nearly fell off when I saw the interior . It was at least twice as big as my room , and he didn 't even have a roommate . I went into the bathroom to take a piss and change and I came out to see him already under his covers . I walked softly over to the bed and sat down on it . As usual , I went over the day 's events in my head as a way of cataloguing any significance in any moment . I stopped at the brief moment between Lucas and I outside the club and couldn 't decide if that was significant . Without thinking , I blurted out a question to Lucas . I turned over and lay down on the bed . I stared at the ceiling and kept thinking about that exchange of smiles . As much as I disliked the idea , I had found a new friend in Lucas Harper . That wasn 't what was bothering me though . The issue I was bumping up against was whether or not I would drive him away . He was so different from the people I was friends with . Carly and Henry were just as closed of as I was … I mean am . But Lucas has a warming quality that I was afraid of breaking . I turned over , facing away from Lucas , and started drifting off to sleep . I could hear him lightly snoring from his bed behind me , and for the first time in a while , I let out a genuine laugh . It wasn 't forced or fake . And that 's when I realized that I actually liked Lucas . I was friends with Henry because we were in the same social group and had similar taste in music . I was friends with Carly because we 've been together nearly since birth . And right now , I couldn 't really tell if I actually liked either of them . THANK YOU ! , itc ! Excellent ! Been waiting for this 2nd chapter , and , in the mean time , read " Graduation " ! Now I understand the " tie in " here . Fantastic ! ! I 'm truly enjoying your writing style ! And , especially appreciate your including Aaron 's " inner conversation " with himself . Definitely looking forward to more ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote August 10th , 2009 , 11 : 44 AM Happy to see an addition to the story . I am certain Aaron and Lucas are going to be very good friends . . . . . . . . . . . . hopefully more . Like Littletosay , I wonder if Henry and Jonathan are getting to know each other . . . lol Great chapter ITC ! I felt the vibrations of my phone beneath my pillow . It was just loud enough to wake me , but not enough to stir Lucas out of his sleep . I slowly and quietly changed clothes and left his room . The sun was barely coming up and all I could think of was how much I missed my mother . I clutched the locket that hid beneath my shirt as my breathing became heavy with grief . I looked away from the sunrise and just walked around for a little while . I felt bad for leaving Lucas like that , but it was pointless for me to let myself get close to someone else . I listened to the voice in my head telling me that I had enough . Any more than what I already have would just make things harder . I would have just left it at that , but then I heard a voice I hadn 't heard in a long time . There was a name I hadn 't thought of in years . He was a lot like Lucas , or at least what I 've witnessed from Lucas so far . We complemented each other like cheese and macaroni . Everyone thought we were twins because between the two of us , we knew everything . We were like two halves of an apple . At least , until his dad 's company relocated his family to a small town three states away . That was about two years before I met Henry . If it weren 't for Carly I wouldn 't have even had Henry . But life has been hard enough since then , I don 't need someone else who I am certain will cause me pain one day . The argument in my mind subsided as I once again listened to my negativity and decided that Lucas was too good for me to even try to be his friend . I passed through the doors of my dorm building and saw Henry laying on one of the couches in the lounge . He looked totally smashed from last night . I walked up to him and flicked his ear . When I got him up to his dorm room , I went back downstairs to mine to see if Jonathan was still there . I looked at my watch and it was now 7 : 30 a . m . I poked my head into the room and saw that no one was inside . It reeked of sex so I grabbed the air freshener and just blasted it around the room . I sat on my bed and dropped my head into my hands for a moment . I actually didn 't know Henry as well as I thought . He could have done it himself , but I didn 't want to believe it . I especially didn 't want to because it was our usually breakfast day . It was the only morning the three of us had off at the same time , so we went to the local IHOP and caught up with the week 's events . I shoved my sausages into my mouth and listened to Carly drone on about her and Mike . I honestly couldn 't care less , but as usual I feigned interest and kept any conflict to a minimum . At any second I expected my thoughts to drift away from Carly incessant yammering . And there it was . I forgot my wallet . I don 't even remember where I put it . I felt around all my pockets and nothing . Thankfully it was Carly 's day to pay so I didn 't have to worry as much . * * * I sat down in my chair near the door and planted my face in my arms . I absolutely hated this class . Well , more the professor than the class . He and I were total opposites and we viewed the world completely differently . We constantly argued about the " meaning " of everything since I just believe that the world is in constant chaos and things just happen . We never agreed on anything and being the asshole I am , I always had to argue my point until both of us gave up , or he kicked me out of the class . He walked away towards the back of the room . I saw him sit down in the back row and felt a rush of guilt overwhelm me . I got up and went to sit next to him . " I just assigned a report . You partner up with someone you don 't know or barely know and study them . Then you write a full report about why you think they are the way they are , " he said . I looked at Lucas and he looked back at me . A smile began to penetrate the stern look on his face that he was holding for so long , but he quickly stopped it . I held up my hand to ask a question and Robbins took a deep breath . I smiled when he turned away . I don 't know what made me feel better , freaking out the entire class , or having an academic reason to be friends with Lucas . I turned to Lucas with the smile still on my face and saw the shock on his . He stared at me in disbelief as I chuckled at everyone 's confusion . When class was dismissed , Lucas and I walked towards the parking lot together . There was silence between us that I wanted him to be the one to break . I wanted to think of something to say , but my mind was running on empty . " I 'm sorry , I really can 't . I promised Carly I 'd go see that counselor again . I have to go around 6 : 30 . " I said . I was . The first genuine smile on my face in two years , and Lucas was causing it . I had no idea what that actually meant . I just knew that I wanted to be around Lucas as much as I possibly could . We sat down at one of the tables outside . The light breeze swept through the little junction of stores . Lucas jumped face first into his sandwich while I slowly picked at my pasta . " Ok , " I said pulling the small locket out from under my shirt collar , " This locket belonged to my mother . She bought it one day when we went to Sea World . She always loved dolphins and when she saw this … she said it was the third time in her life that she was absolutely certain about something she wanted . " " I found it one day shortly before I left for school , and I put a picture of her in it . I wear it everyday to remind myself that what I 'm doing is important for me . No matter how far away I am , when I 'm wearing this locket I feel like I 'm right where I belong . " " Alright well , when I was a kid I always wanted to have a dog . My neighbor had a Doberman puppy and I was absolutely in love with it . But my dad was crazy allergic to dog hair , so we couldn 't have one , " he said . " Yeah … so anyway , when I was like 8 or 9 , my dad had a business trip up in Lake Tahoe , so my parents decided to just make it into a family vacation since it was during the summer . My mom and I were walking down a little junction of stores and I walked by this toy store . I looked in the window and saw this little Doberman Beanie Baby , " he said . " I know , I know , guys and Beanie Babies just don 't really mix , but I was just a kid . I begged my mom for like 20 minutes to buy it for me until she was finally convinced that it would keep me from begging for a real dog . As soon as I got it in my arms , I was never apart from it . I loved that dog so much , " he said . I looked at Lucas completely differently . The compassion and kindness that he had wasn 't something he did voluntarily . From his story , I could tell that it was just natural for him . I smiled back at him and nodded . At that moment , it was like everything slowed down . I looked into his bright hazel eyes and saw the vulnerability . I wasn 't looking at his vulnerability , but I could see myself in the reflection of his eyes . I was looking at mine . I had never told anyone about the locket I held with me everyday . I never reached that level of connection with anyone . And yet , here I sat with a near stranger , and I just spilled information about one of my greatest possessions without much provocation from him . It was like that deal between us established a trust that would take most people years to build . We instantly had a " You give , I give " connection . It felt amazing not only to trust someone so easily , but also to be trusted by that person with the same level of ease . I felt different , almost refreshed . I could feel the changes happening inside me . The warmth I locked away so many years ago was bubbling to the surface and pushing out the cold , logical , and emotionless version of me . That was an amazing chapter . I 'm really feeling for Luke and Aaron now . Hopefully they 'll get to be better friends . . . if Aaron 's head doesn 't do him in . What a great story - so well written ! I love the way you let us in to AAron 's inner voices . . . and I could feel the connection happening - blossoming ! I am an incurable romantic - I am loving this ! ! ! Hugs ! Reply With Quote August 15th , 2009 , 09 : 00 PM That was a wonderfully warm and touching chapter . Trust like that does not come easily . I have a feeling Aaron is going to be a little more reasonable with the counselor . He has something important to relay this time . Luke has that inner connection that anyone would be happy to share . Obviously he has some of the same concerns regarding friendships that Aaron has . I like the way things are going in this story . Eager to read the next chapter . Hey guys , so this chapter is a bit shorter but I wanted to get this part out of the way as soon as possible . I think I 've allowed you all get a better feel for Aaron in this chapter and I 'm going to bring in a few subtle hints and a few not so subtle hints with the next few chapters . Enjoy Wings of A Butterfly Veronica looked at me through her black rimmed glasses as I sat in the chair across from her . I subtly looked around the room to try and get a read on her in case I needed some ammo . She offered me a glass of tea , which I reluctantly accepted . Veronica examined me for a moment , as if to check for subtle hints that could actually lead her somewhere . She picked up her cup and sipped at her tea with her eyes closed . When she opened her eyes it was like a fire had been lit in her soul . She held more energy in them , as if she found something she could use . " I believe you agreed because you value your relationship with Carly , but you 're afraid of feeling vulnerable with another human being . So you fight them every step of the way , but you still end up doing things for them . You do it so you appear to care about them , but to also tell them that you wish you didn 't , " she said . " You think you know me after talking to me twice ? Well let me tell you something , you don 't know a thing about me . So you can sit up here in your little room with all your credentials hanging up on the wall and listen to other people complain about their problems . But me , I 'm going out there . I 'm going to do something that actually matters to the world . So you can take your assumptions about me and shove them up your ass because you have no idea why I am the way that I am . " I bolted out of my seat and stormed over towards the door . She was up and at the door faster than I could reach it . She held her hand against the door as I was trying to open it and storm out of the room . She looked calmly into my eyes and somehow forced the rage that was boiling under my skin to subside . She slowly walked back to her seat . As she sat down she motioned toward the chair for me to sit back down . I turned to face her and crossed my arms . " Before you can face whatever makes you afraid of connecting with other people , you need to tell at least one person what it is , " she said , " It doesn 't have to be me , it can be anyone . But until you tell someone , you 'll always be afraid of it . You 'll keep pushing people out of your life just as you 're about to get close to them . " Defeated , I walked back over to the chair across from her . I stared directly into her dark blue eyes . There was no anger or judgment in them . There was no hostility or restraint in mine either . I couldn 't see it , but I definitely felt it . " Aaron , there is no need for an apology . What you did was a classic outburst . In a way , it made it easier to see who you really are underneath this façade you portray , " she said . She looked up at me with confusion on her face . Her lips pursed and her brow wrinkled with intense thought . I noticed her right hand start flipping her pen around her fingers , something that my Psych professor said people do when they are working something over in their mind . She paused for a second . She put down her sandwich and kept her eyes low . She placed her arms on the table across her chest . Her eyes slowly looked up into mine and examined me for a moment . " Aaron , you haven 't been involved with any girl that I know of since I met you . You haven 't given any reason to believe that you 're straight . You 've never even stated whether you were straight or not . So yeah , I can believe that she may have thought so . " I grabbed my things and walked away . The wind was blowing gently , so I decided to follow it and see where it took me . I really didn 't care . It was Friday afternoon , and two days since I last saw Lucas . Me , being the idiot that I am , forgot to get his number . And both times I knocked on his door were not answered . I was walking by the Science and Health Studies building when a door opened and nearly hit me in the face . A crowd of students flew out the door and poured into the courtyard . Politely , I held the door open and waited for every last one of them to leave the room . The last person to leave was the last person I expected it to be . I rolled my eyes and pushed his shoulder . I didn 't even know where we were walking to , but we ended up at the east parking lot . I looked around for a moment in silence while standing next to Lucas waiting for the crosswalk to turn . He smiled and walked across the street with his golden hair being brushed by the light wind . As he walked away , I noticed he was slightly limping . I pushed it into the back of my mind for now and walked off towards the corner store with a small grin on my face . Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote August 17th , 2009 , 09 : 50 AM That was a very thought provoking chapter . It 's obvious Aaron can 't always stay on his sarcastic path . The counselor broke through and Luke has as well . He 's really not a bad ass after all . Now he has to come to terms with his sexuality and I hope Luke will begin that journey with him soon . Thanks for the update and looking for the next . Thanks for the speedy update . . . if only I could crank out quality work that quickly haha . I 'm VERY excited for the next chapter and to find out what this limp was all about . More more more ! ! ! Irish I knocked on his door three times , each knock slightly lower on the door than the other . I never noticed that I did it until now . Something about Lucas made me more aware of anything I did . Even my little weird things like my knock . The pizza in my left hand was starting to make my palm sweat , or at least that 's what I convinced myself was making it sweat . He opened the door and smiled at me . I opened the box and we each grabbed a slice . I sat back down in his chair and he flopped down on his bed and ate the slice in seconds . I laughed at him and he smiled awkwardly at me . A moment of silence passed between us as we ate . His eyes were glued to the ground and I could tell he was thinking of something that he wasn 't sure about saying . After I finished my slice , I took a deep breath . " Well it got me thinking , " he said , " And I thought about it all day . I 'm not trying to pry you for information or anything , but if you want we could make another deal . You tell me something , I 'll tell you something . " Lucas sat up and sat on the edge of his bed . He stared into my eyes and somehow , I felt a little better . The pain in my chest went away and I was able to hold the tears back a little better than before . " I came home from school one day and found her unconscious in the kitchen . I called 911 but it was too late . I found my mother dead that day . " " She worked so hard for me . She worked so hard to give me a good life … " I said , " But she never thought about what would happen to me if she was gone . " That did it . The tears pushed themselves out of my eyes and I fell forward into myself . Lucas stood up and kneeled down in front of me and caught me before I collapsed . He held me and I cried on his shoulder . " Aaron , that 's ok , " he said . He pulled me away from him and looked directly into my eyes . He placed both hands firmly , but gently , on my shoulders . " She obviously didn 't want you to know until it happened , " he said , " She was probably so scared about leaving you . She probably didn 't want you to have to live every single day in fear , and then have grief on top of that feeling after she died . It 's not wrong for you to be angry , but she probably didn 't tell you because of what knowing that she was going to die would do to you . " He looked firmly into my eyes . I could see his fixation , and from that I could tell that he did genuinely care about me . In my mind , I saw myself drowning . I couldn 't keep myself afloat , even though I had people around me trying to pull me out of the water . I was just about to give up and let myself fall beneath the surface , when I felt a hand grab my arm and lift me up . I looked into the eyes of my rescuer . The bright hazel colored eyes that penetrated my soul and brought down every barrier I had built . I looked back into his eyes and felt the pain be washed away . The tears stopped and I regained my composition . I took several deep breaths and calmed myself down . I sat up straight , never looking away from Lucas ' eyes . They made me feel safe . I nodded at him , but remained silent . I didn 't know what to do now . This was the most vulnerable I 've ever felt in my life . For the first time since my mom 's funeral , I cried in front of another person . I knew he felt the tension boiling inside me , so he wrapped his arms around me again to comfort me . I got up and put the movie in and pressed play . I sat back into the chair and he moved back onto his bed . I noticed he kept looking at me as if I were about to shatter into a million pieces . He walked over to his bookshelf , and I noticed his slight limp again . He turned around smiling with the case of October Sky in his hands . I must have had a worried look on my face or something because his smile disappeared and his eyes glazed over a bit . " It 's ok , " he said , " I talked to Jonathan this morning and he told me everything . He seemed so proud of it , so I yelled at him . Then he said , ' It 's not like I raped him or anything , ' and the next thing I knew , my fist flew into his face . I knocked him on the ground and he kicked me in the hip when I leaned in to help him up . " I smiled at him and he smiled back . At that moment , I felt like we were floating in a space of nothingness . There was nothing to worry about except whether or not we were flying or falling . That 's how it was with Lucas . I could be flying or falling , and it would make no difference to me . It was a challenge to be open with him , but at the same time I felt completely safe . We watched the movie in near silence . Apparently we both loved this movie so much that we could nearly recite the script . I swear at one point I saw him mouthing some of the words . But he just blushed and looked away from me . Lucas made me feel different than my other friends did . I didn 't have to worry about what I said or how I said it . I didn 't have to worry about whether or not I stepped on his toes . I didn 't have to worry about anything really . All I had to do was be myself and let him see my vulnerable side every once in a while . * * * It was nearly 11 at night when I got back to my dorm room . Jonathan was sitting at his desk . I could see very clearly where Lucas clocked him . I couldn 't help but smirk a little about it . " Look you little shit , " I said , " I really don 't care if you do drugs . You can OD on the shit for all I care . But if you EVER slip any of my friends any drugs again without them knowing about it , I swear to God I will rip off your balls and shove em down your throat . " " Do you have any idea what I did to people like you at my high school ? " I asked , " Well it would be NOTHING compared to what I would do to you if you came within 5 feet of Henry ever again . Do you understand me ? " He nodded with fear . I released my grip on his shirt and walked away from him . I didn 't hear him move at all , but when I looked back he was opening the door to leave . Wow ! How great to see Aaron being so vulnerable in telling Luke about his mother . Trusting another person so deeply takes a lot of fortitude . Then , along with Luke , being so protective of another friend . A maturity is growing within him and it suits him well . I like that he and Luke are bonding so well . Awesome chapter , ITC . Great work , ITC ! I love how comfortable he 's becoming with Luke . I can really feel this story going somewhere great ! I also enjoyed how both of them stood up for Henry , especially Aaron who only had Luke 's word on the matter . Aw ! THAT is Fantastic ! ! This is a Good story , itc ! THANK YOU ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote Page 1 of 9

Hey guys , so as promised I 've started on a new story . I 've been tweaking it for a couple days now , and I think it 's finally ready for public eyes . I wanna give a quick thanks to everyone who read and supported Graduation . And those who didn 't , well you should go read it : Graduation The clock that hung from the wall ticked loudly through the silence as the pendulum swung from side to side . I had probably been sitting there for 3 minutes without saying a word . What could I say though ? There was nothing on my mind and she seemed stubborn enough to not be the first one to break the silence between us . " Well , it 's really nothing huge . It 's just a bunch of little things . Homework , tests , social ties … stuff like that , " I said . The woman gently uncrossed and re - crossed her legs as she took a sip of her coffee . She stared at me beneath rectangular , black - rimmed glasses as if to signal me to continue . I really didn 't know what to say . I wasn 't even here by my own choice . Stupid school requirements were forcing me to come here . Apparently , when one student kills themselves , every other student must be suicidal as well . " I don 't know . I try to remind myself that I 'm actually doing pretty well in life . I think about that girl Rachel , the one who shot herself , and I just think about how messed up things must have been for her , " I said . " Not really , no . I mean , I didn 't actually know her so her death doesn 't make me sad . But I feel compassion for the people that cared about her . I 've seen them around and they look pretty fucked up , " I said . " It 's fine . No one is going to get mad at you here . I can have a fucking dirty mouth too sometimes , " she said with a smile . I smiled back at her , but it was just a courtesy smile . I really didn 't think I belonged here . On the outside , I was just a normal college student trying his best to do well in life . On the inside , I didn 't really care about much . All over , I was just your typical everyday teenager who just wanted to fit in and be accepted . " She 's great . We 've been friends since Junior High . She brings out the best kind of person in me . When I 'm around her , I just feel so free it 's as if I could be anyone I wanted to be , " I said . " There 's Carly 's boyfriend , Mike . He 's an ok guy . I wouldn 't consider him one of my best friends , but it 's important to Carly that I like him , so I do , " I said . " Well Aaron , from what I 've gathered there is no need for you to be in therapy . You are perfectly normal in every visual way . I 'll write up a dismissal form for you to turn in at the administrator 's office on campus … unless you want to tell me something else ? " she asked . We sat down at one of the picnic tables that were scattered around the campus . Carly dug right into her food but I just sat there playing with mine with my fork . The fork got stuck and I ended up flicking an olive into the air . I eyed her expression up and down . I was trying to tell if she was pulling my leg or if she was honestly suggesting this . She noticed me studying her face and stared back at me with a raised eyebrow . " Quite possibly , but more importantly I 'm actually serious . You 're so bitter and sarcastic all the time . You never actually talk about what 's bothering you , " she said . After Carly took off to her Philosophy class , I decided to walk around campus . My thought train was on several different tracks as it always was . The first track stayed focused on what I would talk about with the counselor . Would she ask me questions again , or would I have to come up with stuff on my own ? What if I couldn 't think of anything to say ? Did it really matter ? I shook my head at the thought . It didn 't matter at all because it wasn 't necessary . It 's not like there 's anything wrong with me . What 's a psychiatrist going to tell me that I don 't already know ? Whatever , it was for Carly anyway . As long as she was content with me then I was happy . She has no need to worry about me , and this was the only way to prove it to her . My second track was thinking about Rachel . Not about her death , but who she really was . I tried to come up with a picture of what her life was like before she killed herself . The news report said her brother and three of her friends were there when she did it . They said she tried to kill one of them , but her brother stopped her . It made me think that her brother was really close to her and meant a lot to her . But why would she kill herself instead of get help ? Did she really not want to live anymore or did she feel so ashamed about what she did that her brother wouldn 't love her anymore ? It was a sad thought , but I figured anyone who is desperate enough to kill themselves if it meant the pain would stop then she was beyond help . It was a sad thought sure , but it didn 't make me sad . Her brother must have had it rough though . If I had a brother or a sister , then I would probably be able to imagine what he felt . But I didn 't , so I didn 't care very much . My third track was about all the new people moving into the dorms after what happened . There were so few people living in the dorms before that I was able to live alone , but now I was being assigned a roommate . Joy . Another person that I have to socialize with every day , just what I wanted . I finally jumped off my thought train and looked at my watch realizing that it was 1 : 30 already . I decided to head back to the dorm and wait for my new roommate . When I walked past the main Administrator 's Office , I turned the corner sharply and accidentally bumped into someone . I hit my head against theirs and fell down on my ass . He lowered his hand towards me to lift me up . I rubbed my head with my left hand as I took his extended arm with my right . He pulled me up and steadied me . As my vision refocused I was able to see his face . He had a pair of bright green eyes fixated on me while I regained my balance . I took a step forward and wobbled a little . He grabbed my shoulder and laughed a little . Once I got my balance back I laughed a little as well and shook my head . " You want me to walk with you and make sure you don 't pass out ? " he asked flashing me his bright smile . We walked across the campus together , every now and then I would stumble a little and he caught me before I tripped over myself . Each time I did it he let out a chuckle . I probably looked like a complete idiot . We were about halfway across the campus when he started talking to me randomly . I looked up at him and admired him a little . I wasn 't a very creative person , and I respected those that were . I couldn 't draw anything to save my life , but I like looking at the work of those that could . He looked at me as we stopped outside of the north dorm building . His bright hazel eyes glimmered in the light from the sun . I studied them as discretely as I could and noticed that there was a hint of gold around the edges . He smiled and revealed a set of bright white teeth that would make a dentist jealous . I didn 't know what he was smiling at , so I raised an eyebrow at him . As he walked away , I tried to study what made him tick , and what made those thoughts slip out of my mind . Even with Carly , I kept all of my sarcasm in my head so I didn 't offend her at all . There was something different about Luke that I couldn 't quite put my finger on . He was like a book full of analogies and metaphors that made my brain itch . He was confusing and yet , I felt like I understood him at the same time . The only thing I didn 't understand was that bizarre question and answer session while we were walking . Did he honestly care if I was ok even though he just met me ? That had to be it ; and that officially made him tomorrow 's problem . Today 's problem was probably already upstairs unpacking it 's shit , and I had to go meet it and make nice with it for the rest of the semester . He was probably some weak little brainiac that was so afraid of the world that he had to move in with the big boys . It 's just what I needed this semester ; to be some pathetic genius ' bodyguard . I flopped down on my bed and closed my eyes for a moment . My thoughts instantly drifted to Lucas … I mean Luke . What was his deal ? No one could be that nice to someone they just met . Fuck , now I was obsessing . I opened my eyes and rubbed the spot on my forehead where his head hit mine . Just then the door popped open and my new roommate stepped inside , followed closely by that awkward moment . I think I 'm going to like this story ! Off to a really great start . I think I have a feeling who Aaron 's new roommate is going to be BTW , I LOVED Graduation ! ! ! You have such compelling storylines and I have a feeling I won 't be disappointed with this one either . Can 't wait for more ! ! already I have noticed some parallels ! rachel killed herself in " Graduation " and also had a brother who was concerned - - same here . I 'm guessing lucas / luke is the love interest ? he has sparking green eyes ( and a killer smile ) , just like Cameron . Reply With Quote July 18th , 2009 , 10 : 56 PM Hmmm ! Haven 't read " Graduation " . . . yet ! . . . but , I 'm liking this one . . . a LOT ! PLEASE keep up the great work ! I 'm definitely looking forward to reading more of YOU ! Very interesting perspective ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote July 19th , 2009 , 01 : 16 AM How great to sign on today and see one of my favorite authors had started a new story . I like the approach this one has and as ASDF pointed out , there are the parallels with " Graduation . " Who would have thought that a tragic event such as Rachael killing herself would have such a wide effect on someone that didn 't even know her . I can tell this is going to be as brilliant a story as " Graduation " but with an entirely new cast of characters . Looking forward to a long read . already I have noticed some parallels ! rachel killed herself in " Graduation " and also had a brother who was concerned - - same here . I 'm guessing lucas / luke is the love interest ? he has sparking green eyes ( and a killer smile ) , just like Cameron . Oops looks like I overlooked something while I was editing . His eyes were supposed to be Hazel . I guess I just missed that one And I 'm glad you guys like it so far . I 'm gonna start chapter two today and hopefully be finished soon . Thanks for the support guys ! Great start ! I really enjoyed " Graduation " , I think I 'll like this story too . Looking forward to chapter 2 already ! Reply With Quote July 23rd , 2009 , 05 : 34 AM ITC this is a great beginning . Looking forward to more . I know that it will be just as fantastic as Graduation and I think you know by now that that story was the greatest . H & K " He 's ok . He 's kinda quiet though . After he unpacked he just sat at his desk playing games on his computer , " I said . Henry and I were sitting in the Student Hall on campus . The building was amazing . It had a big sitting / study area on the main floor , a library on the second floor , and a bunch of little shops , food places , and even a bowling alley in the underground area . I sat on my favorite couch in the room and Henry sat in the armchair sitting adjacent to me . I turned around and looked at the doors behind me . Jonathan was standing there looking awkwardly into the crowd for a place to sit down . I couldn 't help but feel sorry for him . He honestly looked like a guy who just needed a friend . He turned his head and saw me staring at him , so I gave a kind of half wave at him . He looked away instantly and walked towards the stairs . Jonathan stopped dead in his tracks . He looked over at us and saw Henry waving him over to our area . I could see his hesitation and smell his fear from where I was sitting . I nodded at him when he turned his dark brown eyes to me . After a moment of awkward pause , he shifted his feet and walked slowly over to us . I found myself hating him a little bit . Not because he was so awkward , but because he didn 't seem to even want a social life . It was as if he was battling with himself on the inside , and I couldn 't tell if he was winning or losing . He was very difficult to read and for that , I couldn 't help but hate him . No one has been able to hide themselves from me for very long , but this kid was actually giving me a challenge . As he sat down on the opposite end of the couch I was sitting on , there was an awkward moment of silence between us . I gave a quick stink eye at him when he sat on my couch , but hid it before he or Henry could see it . I turned my attention to my laptop which had the website , Fmylife open . Henry noticed my shift in focus and started talking to Jonathan . Tuning out their conversation , I retreated into my thoughts . I nodded at appropriate times and feigned interest like I always did . To be honest , the conversations about this Rachel girl were getting repetitive . Someone who had minimal interaction with her would find someone else who had even less interaction with her and express what a " shock " it was when it happened . I was a little surprised when my thoughts crossed over the pain in my forehead , and suddenly all I could think of was Lucas . He perplexed me . He seemed to genuinely care about my wellbeing , but yet he didn 't ask for my number or ask to walk me up to my room or whatever . I concluded on the thought that he really didn 't care , and that he was just making sure I didn 't want to sue him or anything . My thoughts were interrupted by Henry 's voice . * * * Walking into the club , I heard the sounds of my favorite band , Paramore . Carly immediately began dancing to the tune of Crushcrushcrush as we were walking down the stairs to the main floor of the club . She flung her dark brown hair around in sync with the beat of the song and she pulled Mike out to the dance floor . Henry and I sat at the bar and saw Jonathan walking down the stairs . He was closely followed by Lucas and his eyes magnetically stuck to mine from across the room . I saw a smile creep across his face . He and Jonathan made their way over to the bar , but our eyes never separated . His were full of amusement , while mine were filled with annoyance . I gave him a glare and he burst into laughter . Jonathan and Henry broke off and started chatting while Lucas and I had a couple drinks . Lucas and I just sat at the bar talking about the music they were playing . I sat there stunned for a moment . No way were he and I in the same place at the same time worshiping the same band . I must have been staring for a few minutes because he broke me out of my trance by waving his hand in my face . We sat there as the final line of a song neither of us was paying attention to finished . Eagerly awaiting the next song to play , I looked around and noticed that everyone else was gone . The DJ shut off the sound system and the bartender told us they were closing in a few minutes . We stared at each other with wide eyes and disbelief . He got off his stool and motioned towards the staircase . I wiped my hands on my jeans and walked past him up the stairs . The cool , crisp air outside felt refreshing after being inside for God knows how long . I stretched a bit as Lucas emerged out of the stairway and chuckled at me . He smiled at me and I smiled back . It was then that I realized that I was doing exactly what I didn 't want to do . Acting on instinct , my mind took over and I broke this moment between us . I tried desperately to think of a rational excuse to keep from walking back with him , but failed miserably . I just nodded and walked beside him , not saying a word the whole mile and a half to the dorm . He tried to talk to me , but I made it very clear that I was " too tired to think " so he gave up after the third avoided question . We walked up the stairs of the dorm building and stood outside my room for a moment . Lucas burst into laughter that carried across the courtyard . We walked into the other dorm building and up the stairs to the third floor where Lucas ' room was . This building was much younger and nicer than the one I was living in . We walked into the room and my jaw nearly fell off when I saw the interior . It was at least twice as big as my room , and he didn 't even have a roommate . I went into the bathroom to take a piss and change and I came out to see him already under his covers . I walked softly over to the bed and sat down on it . As usual , I went over the day 's events in my head as a way of cataloguing any significance in any moment . I stopped at the brief moment between Lucas and I outside the club and couldn 't decide if that was significant . Without thinking , I blurted out a question to Lucas . I turned over and lay down on the bed . I stared at the ceiling and kept thinking about that exchange of smiles . As much as I disliked the idea , I had found a new friend in Lucas Harper . That wasn 't what was bothering me though . The issue I was bumping up against was whether or not I would drive him away . He was so different from the people I was friends with . Carly and Henry were just as closed of as I was … I mean am . But Lucas has a warming quality that I was afraid of breaking . I turned over , facing away from Lucas , and started drifting off to sleep . I could hear him lightly snoring from his bed behind me , and for the first time in a while , I let out a genuine laugh . It wasn 't forced or fake . And that 's when I realized that I actually liked Lucas . I was friends with Henry because we were in the same social group and had similar taste in music . I was friends with Carly because we 've been together nearly since birth . And right now , I couldn 't really tell if I actually liked either of them . THANK YOU ! , itc ! Excellent ! Been waiting for this 2nd chapter , and , in the mean time , read " Graduation " ! Now I understand the " tie in " here . Fantastic ! ! I 'm truly enjoying your writing style ! And , especially appreciate your including Aaron 's " inner conversation " with himself . Definitely looking forward to more ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote August 10th , 2009 , 11 : 44 AM Happy to see an addition to the story . I am certain Aaron and Lucas are going to be very good friends . . . . . . . . . . . . hopefully more . Like Littletosay , I wonder if Henry and Jonathan are getting to know each other . . . lol Great chapter ITC ! I felt the vibrations of my phone beneath my pillow . It was just loud enough to wake me , but not enough to stir Lucas out of his sleep . I slowly and quietly changed clothes and left his room . The sun was barely coming up and all I could think of was how much I missed my mother . I clutched the locket that hid beneath my shirt as my breathing became heavy with grief . I looked away from the sunrise and just walked around for a little while . I felt bad for leaving Lucas like that , but it was pointless for me to let myself get close to someone else . I listened to the voice in my head telling me that I had enough . Any more than what I already have would just make things harder . I would have just left it at that , but then I heard a voice I hadn 't heard in a long time . There was a name I hadn 't thought of in years . He was a lot like Lucas , or at least what I 've witnessed from Lucas so far . We complemented each other like cheese and macaroni . Everyone thought we were twins because between the two of us , we knew everything . We were like two halves of an apple . At least , until his dad 's company relocated his family to a small town three states away . That was about two years before I met Henry . If it weren 't for Carly I wouldn 't have even had Henry . But life has been hard enough since then , I don 't need someone else who I am certain will cause me pain one day . The argument in my mind subsided as I once again listened to my negativity and decided that Lucas was too good for me to even try to be his friend . I passed through the doors of my dorm building and saw Henry laying on one of the couches in the lounge . He looked totally smashed from last night . I walked up to him and flicked his ear . When I got him up to his dorm room , I went back downstairs to mine to see if Jonathan was still there . I looked at my watch and it was now 7 : 30 a . m . I poked my head into the room and saw that no one was inside . It reeked of sex so I grabbed the air freshener and just blasted it around the room . I sat on my bed and dropped my head into my hands for a moment . I actually didn 't know Henry as well as I thought . He could have done it himself , but I didn 't want to believe it . I especially didn 't want to because it was our usually breakfast day . It was the only morning the three of us had off at the same time , so we went to the local IHOP and caught up with the week 's events . I shoved my sausages into my mouth and listened to Carly drone on about her and Mike . I honestly couldn 't care less , but as usual I feigned interest and kept any conflict to a minimum . At any second I expected my thoughts to drift away from Carly incessant yammering . And there it was . I forgot my wallet . I don 't even remember where I put it . I felt around all my pockets and nothing . Thankfully it was Carly 's day to pay so I didn 't have to worry as much . * * * I sat down in my chair near the door and planted my face in my arms . I absolutely hated this class . Well , more the professor than the class . He and I were total opposites and we viewed the world completely differently . We constantly argued about the " meaning " of everything since I just believe that the world is in constant chaos and things just happen . We never agreed on anything and being the asshole I am , I always had to argue my point until both of us gave up , or he kicked me out of the class . He walked away towards the back of the room . I saw him sit down in the back row and felt a rush of guilt overwhelm me . I got up and went to sit next to him . " I just assigned a report . You partner up with someone you don 't know or barely know and study them . Then you write a full report about why you think they are the way they are , " he said . I looked at Lucas and he looked back at me . A smile began to penetrate the stern look on his face that he was holding for so long , but he quickly stopped it . I held up my hand to ask a question and Robbins took a deep breath . I smiled when he turned away . I don 't know what made me feel better , freaking out the entire class , or having an academic reason to be friends with Lucas . I turned to Lucas with the smile still on my face and saw the shock on his . He stared at me in disbelief as I chuckled at everyone 's confusion . When class was dismissed , Lucas and I walked towards the parking lot together . There was silence between us that I wanted him to be the one to break . I wanted to think of something to say , but my mind was running on empty . " I 'm sorry , I really can 't . I promised Carly I 'd go see that counselor again . I have to go around 6 : 30 . " I said . I was . The first genuine smile on my face in two years , and Lucas was causing it . I had no idea what that actually meant . I just knew that I wanted to be around Lucas as much as I possibly could . We sat down at one of the tables outside . The light breeze swept through the little junction of stores . Lucas jumped face first into his sandwich while I slowly picked at my pasta . " Ok , " I said pulling the small locket out from under my shirt collar , " This locket belonged to my mother . She bought it one day when we went to Sea World . She always loved dolphins and when she saw this … she said it was the third time in her life that she was absolutely certain about something she wanted . " " I found it one day shortly before I left for school , and I put a picture of her in it . I wear it everyday to remind myself that what I 'm doing is important for me . No matter how far away I am , when I 'm wearing this locket I feel like I 'm right where I belong . " " Alright well , when I was a kid I always wanted to have a dog . My neighbor had a Doberman puppy and I was absolutely in love with it . But my dad was crazy allergic to dog hair , so we couldn 't have one , " he said . " Yeah … so anyway , when I was like 8 or 9 , my dad had a business trip up in Lake Tahoe , so my parents decided to just make it into a family vacation since it was during the summer . My mom and I were walking down a little junction of stores and I walked by this toy store . I looked in the window and saw this little Doberman Beanie Baby , " he said . " I know , I know , guys and Beanie Babies just don 't really mix , but I was just a kid . I begged my mom for like 20 minutes to buy it for me until she was finally convinced that it would keep me from begging for a real dog . As soon as I got it in my arms , I was never apart from it . I loved that dog so much , " he said . I looked at Lucas completely differently . The compassion and kindness that he had wasn 't something he did voluntarily . From his story , I could tell that it was just natural for him . I smiled back at him and nodded . At that moment , it was like everything slowed down . I looked into his bright hazel eyes and saw the vulnerability . I wasn 't looking at his vulnerability , but I could see myself in the reflection of his eyes . I was looking at mine . I had never told anyone about the locket I held with me everyday . I never reached that level of connection with anyone . And yet , here I sat with a near stranger , and I just spilled information about one of my greatest possessions without much provocation from him . It was like that deal between us established a trust that would take most people years to build . We instantly had a " You give , I give " connection . It felt amazing not only to trust someone so easily , but also to be trusted by that person with the same level of ease . I felt different , almost refreshed . I could feel the changes happening inside me . The warmth I locked away so many years ago was bubbling to the surface and pushing out the cold , logical , and emotionless version of me . That was an amazing chapter . I 'm really feeling for Luke and Aaron now . Hopefully they 'll get to be better friends . . . if Aaron 's head doesn 't do him in . What a great story - so well written ! I love the way you let us in to AAron 's inner voices . . . and I could feel the connection happening - blossoming ! I am an incurable romantic - I am loving this ! ! ! Hugs ! Reply With Quote August 15th , 2009 , 09 : 00 PM That was a wonderfully warm and touching chapter . Trust like that does not come easily . I have a feeling Aaron is going to be a little more reasonable with the counselor . He has something important to relay this time . Luke has that inner connection that anyone would be happy to share . Obviously he has some of the same concerns regarding friendships that Aaron has . I like the way things are going in this story . Eager to read the next chapter . Hey guys , so this chapter is a bit shorter but I wanted to get this part out of the way as soon as possible . I think I 've allowed you all get a better feel for Aaron in this chapter and I 'm going to bring in a few subtle hints and a few not so subtle hints with the next few chapters . Enjoy Wings of A Butterfly Veronica looked at me through her black rimmed glasses as I sat in the chair across from her . I subtly looked around the room to try and get a read on her in case I needed some ammo . She offered me a glass of tea , which I reluctantly accepted . Veronica examined me for a moment , as if to check for subtle hints that could actually lead her somewhere . She picked up her cup and sipped at her tea with her eyes closed . When she opened her eyes it was like a fire had been lit in her soul . She held more energy in them , as if she found something she could use . " I believe you agreed because you value your relationship with Carly , but you 're afraid of feeling vulnerable with another human being . So you fight them every step of the way , but you still end up doing things for them . You do it so you appear to care about them , but to also tell them that you wish you didn 't , " she said . " You think you know me after talking to me twice ? Well let me tell you something , you don 't know a thing about me . So you can sit up here in your little room with all your credentials hanging up on the wall and listen to other people complain about their problems . But me , I 'm going out there . I 'm going to do something that actually matters to the world . So you can take your assumptions about me and shove them up your ass because you have no idea why I am the way that I am . " I bolted out of my seat and stormed over towards the door . She was up and at the door faster than I could reach it . She held her hand against the door as I was trying to open it and storm out of the room . She looked calmly into my eyes and somehow forced the rage that was boiling under my skin to subside . She slowly walked back to her seat . As she sat down she motioned toward the chair for me to sit back down . I turned to face her and crossed my arms . " Before you can face whatever makes you afraid of connecting with other people , you need to tell at least one person what it is , " she said , " It doesn 't have to be me , it can be anyone . But until you tell someone , you 'll always be afraid of it . You 'll keep pushing people out of your life just as you 're about to get close to them . " Defeated , I walked back over to the chair across from her . I stared directly into her dark blue eyes . There was no anger or judgment in them . There was no hostility or restraint in mine either . I couldn 't see it , but I definitely felt it . " Aaron , there is no need for an apology . What you did was a classic outburst . In a way , it made it easier to see who you really are underneath this façade you portray , " she said . She looked up at me with confusion on her face . Her lips pursed and her brow wrinkled with intense thought . I noticed her right hand start flipping her pen around her fingers , something that my Psych professor said people do when they are working something over in their mind . She paused for a second . She put down her sandwich and kept her eyes low . She placed her arms on the table across her chest . Her eyes slowly looked up into mine and examined me for a moment . " Aaron , you haven 't been involved with any girl that I know of since I met you . You haven 't given any reason to believe that you 're straight . You 've never even stated whether you were straight or not . So yeah , I can believe that she may have thought so . " I grabbed my things and walked away . The wind was blowing gently , so I decided to follow it and see where it took me . I really didn 't care . It was Friday afternoon , and two days since I last saw Lucas . Me , being the idiot that I am , forgot to get his number . And both times I knocked on his door were not answered . I was walking by the Science and Health Studies building when a door opened and nearly hit me in the face . A crowd of students flew out the door and poured into the courtyard . Politely , I held the door open and waited for every last one of them to leave the room . The last person to leave was the last person I expected it to be . I rolled my eyes and pushed his shoulder . I didn 't even know where we were walking to , but we ended up at the east parking lot . I looked around for a moment in silence while standing next to Lucas waiting for the crosswalk to turn . He smiled and walked across the street with his golden hair being brushed by the light wind . As he walked away , I noticed he was slightly limping . I pushed it into the back of my mind for now and walked off towards the corner store with a small grin on my face . Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote August 17th , 2009 , 09 : 50 AM That was a very thought provoking chapter . It 's obvious Aaron can 't always stay on his sarcastic path . The counselor broke through and Luke has as well . He 's really not a bad ass after all . Now he has to come to terms with his sexuality and I hope Luke will begin that journey with him soon . Thanks for the update and looking for the next . Thanks for the speedy update . . . if only I could crank out quality work that quickly haha . I 'm VERY excited for the next chapter and to find out what this limp was all about . More more more ! ! ! Irish I knocked on his door three times , each knock slightly lower on the door than the other . I never noticed that I did it until now . Something about Lucas made me more aware of anything I did . Even my little weird things like my knock . The pizza in my left hand was starting to make my palm sweat , or at least that 's what I convinced myself was making it sweat . He opened the door and smiled at me . I opened the box and we each grabbed a slice . I sat back down in his chair and he flopped down on his bed and ate the slice in seconds . I laughed at him and he smiled awkwardly at me . A moment of silence passed between us as we ate . His eyes were glued to the ground and I could tell he was thinking of something that he wasn 't sure about saying . After I finished my slice , I took a deep breath . " Well it got me thinking , " he said , " And I thought about it all day . I 'm not trying to pry you for information or anything , but if you want we could make another deal . You tell me something , I 'll tell you something . " Lucas sat up and sat on the edge of his bed . He stared into my eyes and somehow , I felt a little better . The pain in my chest went away and I was able to hold the tears back a little better than before . " I came home from school one day and found her unconscious in the kitchen . I called 911 but it was too late . I found my mother dead that day . " " She worked so hard for me . She worked so hard to give me a good life … " I said , " But she never thought about what would happen to me if she was gone . " That did it . The tears pushed themselves out of my eyes and I fell forward into myself . Lucas stood up and kneeled down in front of me and caught me before I collapsed . He held me and I cried on his shoulder . " Aaron , that 's ok , " he said . He pulled me away from him and looked directly into my eyes . He placed both hands firmly , but gently , on my shoulders . " She obviously didn 't want you to know until it happened , " he said , " She was probably so scared about leaving you . She probably didn 't want you to have to live every single day in fear , and then have grief on top of that feeling after she died . It 's not wrong for you to be angry , but she probably didn 't tell you because of what knowing that she was going to die would do to you . " He looked firmly into my eyes . I could see his fixation , and from that I could tell that he did genuinely care about me . In my mind , I saw myself drowning . I couldn 't keep myself afloat , even though I had people around me trying to pull me out of the water . I was just about to give up and let myself fall beneath the surface , when I felt a hand grab my arm and lift me up . I looked into the eyes of my rescuer . The bright hazel colored eyes that penetrated my soul and brought down every barrier I had built . I looked back into his eyes and felt the pain be washed away . The tears stopped and I regained my composition . I took several deep breaths and calmed myself down . I sat up straight , never looking away from Lucas ' eyes . They made me feel safe . I nodded at him , but remained silent . I didn 't know what to do now . This was the most vulnerable I 've ever felt in my life . For the first time since my mom 's funeral , I cried in front of another person . I knew he felt the tension boiling inside me , so he wrapped his arms around me again to comfort me . I got up and put the movie in and pressed play . I sat back into the chair and he moved back onto his bed . I noticed he kept looking at me as if I were about to shatter into a million pieces . He walked over to his bookshelf , and I noticed his slight limp again . He turned around smiling with the case of October Sky in his hands . I must have had a worried look on my face or something because his smile disappeared and his eyes glazed over a bit . " It 's ok , " he said , " I talked to Jonathan this morning and he told me everything . He seemed so proud of it , so I yelled at him . Then he said , ' It 's not like I raped him or anything , ' and the next thing I knew , my fist flew into his face . I knocked him on the ground and he kicked me in the hip when I leaned in to help him up . " I smiled at him and he smiled back . At that moment , I felt like we were floating in a space of nothingness . There was nothing to worry about except whether or not we were flying or falling . That 's how it was with Lucas . I could be flying or falling , and it would make no difference to me . It was a challenge to be open with him , but at the same time I felt completely safe . We watched the movie in near silence . Apparently we both loved this movie so much that we could nearly recite the script . I swear at one point I saw him mouthing some of the words . But he just blushed and looked away from me . Lucas made me feel different than my other friends did . I didn 't have to worry about what I said or how I said it . I didn 't have to worry about whether or not I stepped on his toes . I didn 't have to worry about anything really . All I had to do was be myself and let him see my vulnerable side every once in a while . * * * It was nearly 11 at night when I got back to my dorm room . Jonathan was sitting at his desk . I could see very clearly where Lucas clocked him . I couldn 't help but smirk a little about it . " Look you little shit , " I said , " I really don 't care if you do drugs . You can OD on the shit for all I care . But if you EVER slip any of my friends any drugs again without them knowing about it , I swear to God I will rip off your balls and shove em down your throat . " " Do you have any idea what I did to people like you at my high school ? " I asked , " Well it would be NOTHING compared to what I would do to you if you came within 5 feet of Henry ever again . Do you understand me ? " He nodded with fear . I released my grip on his shirt and walked away from him . I didn 't hear him move at all , but when I looked back he was opening the door to leave . Wow ! How great to see Aaron being so vulnerable in telling Luke about his mother . Trusting another person so deeply takes a lot of fortitude . Then , along with Luke , being so protective of another friend . A maturity is growing within him and it suits him well . I like that he and Luke are bonding so well . Awesome chapter , ITC . Great work , ITC ! I love how comfortable he 's becoming with Luke . I can really feel this story going somewhere great ! I also enjoyed how both of them stood up for Henry , especially Aaron who only had Luke 's word on the matter . Aw ! THAT is Fantastic ! ! This is a Good story , itc ! THANK YOU ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote Page 1 of 9

Hey guys , so as promised I 've started on a new story . I 've been tweaking it for a couple days now , and I think it 's finally ready for public eyes . I wanna give a quick thanks to everyone who read and supported Graduation . And those who didn 't , well you should go read it : Graduation The clock that hung from the wall ticked loudly through the silence as the pendulum swung from side to side . I had probably been sitting there for 3 minutes without saying a word . What could I say though ? There was nothing on my mind and she seemed stubborn enough to not be the first one to break the silence between us . " Well , it 's really nothing huge . It 's just a bunch of little things . Homework , tests , social ties … stuff like that , " I said . The woman gently uncrossed and re - crossed her legs as she took a sip of her coffee . She stared at me beneath rectangular , black - rimmed glasses as if to signal me to continue . I really didn 't know what to say . I wasn 't even here by my own choice . Stupid school requirements were forcing me to come here . Apparently , when one student kills themselves , every other student must be suicidal as well . " I don 't know . I try to remind myself that I 'm actually doing pretty well in life . I think about that girl Rachel , the one who shot herself , and I just think about how messed up things must have been for her , " I said . " Not really , no . I mean , I didn 't actually know her so her death doesn 't make me sad . But I feel compassion for the people that cared about her . I 've seen them around and they look pretty fucked up , " I said . " It 's fine . No one is going to get mad at you here . I can have a fucking dirty mouth too sometimes , " she said with a smile . I smiled back at her , but it was just a courtesy smile . I really didn 't think I belonged here . On the outside , I was just a normal college student trying his best to do well in life . On the inside , I didn 't really care about much . All over , I was just your typical everyday teenager who just wanted to fit in and be accepted . " She 's great . We 've been friends since Junior High . She brings out the best kind of person in me . When I 'm around her , I just feel so free it 's as if I could be anyone I wanted to be , " I said . " There 's Carly 's boyfriend , Mike . He 's an ok guy . I wouldn 't consider him one of my best friends , but it 's important to Carly that I like him , so I do , " I said . " Well Aaron , from what I 've gathered there is no need for you to be in therapy . You are perfectly normal in every visual way . I 'll write up a dismissal form for you to turn in at the administrator 's office on campus … unless you want to tell me something else ? " she asked . We sat down at one of the picnic tables that were scattered around the campus . Carly dug right into her food but I just sat there playing with mine with my fork . The fork got stuck and I ended up flicking an olive into the air . I eyed her expression up and down . I was trying to tell if she was pulling my leg or if she was honestly suggesting this . She noticed me studying her face and stared back at me with a raised eyebrow . " Quite possibly , but more importantly I 'm actually serious . You 're so bitter and sarcastic all the time . You never actually talk about what 's bothering you , " she said . After Carly took off to her Philosophy class , I decided to walk around campus . My thought train was on several different tracks as it always was . The first track stayed focused on what I would talk about with the counselor . Would she ask me questions again , or would I have to come up with stuff on my own ? What if I couldn 't think of anything to say ? Did it really matter ? I shook my head at the thought . It didn 't matter at all because it wasn 't necessary . It 's not like there 's anything wrong with me . What 's a psychiatrist going to tell me that I don 't already know ? Whatever , it was for Carly anyway . As long as she was content with me then I was happy . She has no need to worry about me , and this was the only way to prove it to her . My second track was thinking about Rachel . Not about her death , but who she really was . I tried to come up with a picture of what her life was like before she killed herself . The news report said her brother and three of her friends were there when she did it . They said she tried to kill one of them , but her brother stopped her . It made me think that her brother was really close to her and meant a lot to her . But why would she kill herself instead of get help ? Did she really not want to live anymore or did she feel so ashamed about what she did that her brother wouldn 't love her anymore ? It was a sad thought , but I figured anyone who is desperate enough to kill themselves if it meant the pain would stop then she was beyond help . It was a sad thought sure , but it didn 't make me sad . Her brother must have had it rough though . If I had a brother or a sister , then I would probably be able to imagine what he felt . But I didn 't , so I didn 't care very much . My third track was about all the new people moving into the dorms after what happened . There were so few people living in the dorms before that I was able to live alone , but now I was being assigned a roommate . Joy . Another person that I have to socialize with every day , just what I wanted . I finally jumped off my thought train and looked at my watch realizing that it was 1 : 30 already . I decided to head back to the dorm and wait for my new roommate . When I walked past the main Administrator 's Office , I turned the corner sharply and accidentally bumped into someone . I hit my head against theirs and fell down on my ass . He lowered his hand towards me to lift me up . I rubbed my head with my left hand as I took his extended arm with my right . He pulled me up and steadied me . As my vision refocused I was able to see his face . He had a pair of bright green eyes fixated on me while I regained my balance . I took a step forward and wobbled a little . He grabbed my shoulder and laughed a little . Once I got my balance back I laughed a little as well and shook my head . " You want me to walk with you and make sure you don 't pass out ? " he asked flashing me his bright smile . We walked across the campus together , every now and then I would stumble a little and he caught me before I tripped over myself . Each time I did it he let out a chuckle . I probably looked like a complete idiot . We were about halfway across the campus when he started talking to me randomly . I looked up at him and admired him a little . I wasn 't a very creative person , and I respected those that were . I couldn 't draw anything to save my life , but I like looking at the work of those that could . He looked at me as we stopped outside of the north dorm building . His bright hazel eyes glimmered in the light from the sun . I studied them as discretely as I could and noticed that there was a hint of gold around the edges . He smiled and revealed a set of bright white teeth that would make a dentist jealous . I didn 't know what he was smiling at , so I raised an eyebrow at him . As he walked away , I tried to study what made him tick , and what made those thoughts slip out of my mind . Even with Carly , I kept all of my sarcasm in my head so I didn 't offend her at all . There was something different about Luke that I couldn 't quite put my finger on . He was like a book full of analogies and metaphors that made my brain itch . He was confusing and yet , I felt like I understood him at the same time . The only thing I didn 't understand was that bizarre question and answer session while we were walking . Did he honestly care if I was ok even though he just met me ? That had to be it ; and that officially made him tomorrow 's problem . Today 's problem was probably already upstairs unpacking it 's shit , and I had to go meet it and make nice with it for the rest of the semester . He was probably some weak little brainiac that was so afraid of the world that he had to move in with the big boys . It 's just what I needed this semester ; to be some pathetic genius ' bodyguard . I flopped down on my bed and closed my eyes for a moment . My thoughts instantly drifted to Lucas … I mean Luke . What was his deal ? No one could be that nice to someone they just met . Fuck , now I was obsessing . I opened my eyes and rubbed the spot on my forehead where his head hit mine . Just then the door popped open and my new roommate stepped inside , followed closely by that awkward moment . I think I 'm going to like this story ! Off to a really great start . I think I have a feeling who Aaron 's new roommate is going to be BTW , I LOVED Graduation ! ! ! You have such compelling storylines and I have a feeling I won 't be disappointed with this one either . Can 't wait for more ! ! already I have noticed some parallels ! rachel killed herself in " Graduation " and also had a brother who was concerned - - same here . I 'm guessing lucas / luke is the love interest ? he has sparking green eyes ( and a killer smile ) , just like Cameron . Reply With Quote July 18th , 2009 , 10 : 56 PM Hmmm ! Haven 't read " Graduation " . . . yet ! . . . but , I 'm liking this one . . . a LOT ! PLEASE keep up the great work ! I 'm definitely looking forward to reading more of YOU ! Very interesting perspective ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote July 19th , 2009 , 01 : 16 AM How great to sign on today and see one of my favorite authors had started a new story . I like the approach this one has and as ASDF pointed out , there are the parallels with " Graduation . " Who would have thought that a tragic event such as Rachael killing herself would have such a wide effect on someone that didn 't even know her . I can tell this is going to be as brilliant a story as " Graduation " but with an entirely new cast of characters . Looking forward to a long read . already I have noticed some parallels ! rachel killed herself in " Graduation " and also had a brother who was concerned - - same here . I 'm guessing lucas / luke is the love interest ? he has sparking green eyes ( and a killer smile ) , just like Cameron . Oops looks like I overlooked something while I was editing . His eyes were supposed to be Hazel . I guess I just missed that one And I 'm glad you guys like it so far . I 'm gonna start chapter two today and hopefully be finished soon . Thanks for the support guys ! Great start ! I really enjoyed " Graduation " , I think I 'll like this story too . Looking forward to chapter 2 already ! Reply With Quote July 23rd , 2009 , 05 : 34 AM ITC this is a great beginning . Looking forward to more . I know that it will be just as fantastic as Graduation and I think you know by now that that story was the greatest . H & K " He 's ok . He 's kinda quiet though . After he unpacked he just sat at his desk playing games on his computer , " I said . Henry and I were sitting in the Student Hall on campus . The building was amazing . It had a big sitting / study area on the main floor , a library on the second floor , and a bunch of little shops , food places , and even a bowling alley in the underground area . I sat on my favorite couch in the room and Henry sat in the armchair sitting adjacent to me . I turned around and looked at the doors behind me . Jonathan was standing there looking awkwardly into the crowd for a place to sit down . I couldn 't help but feel sorry for him . He honestly looked like a guy who just needed a friend . He turned his head and saw me staring at him , so I gave a kind of half wave at him . He looked away instantly and walked towards the stairs . Jonathan stopped dead in his tracks . He looked over at us and saw Henry waving him over to our area . I could see his hesitation and smell his fear from where I was sitting . I nodded at him when he turned his dark brown eyes to me . After a moment of awkward pause , he shifted his feet and walked slowly over to us . I found myself hating him a little bit . Not because he was so awkward , but because he didn 't seem to even want a social life . It was as if he was battling with himself on the inside , and I couldn 't tell if he was winning or losing . He was very difficult to read and for that , I couldn 't help but hate him . No one has been able to hide themselves from me for very long , but this kid was actually giving me a challenge . As he sat down on the opposite end of the couch I was sitting on , there was an awkward moment of silence between us . I gave a quick stink eye at him when he sat on my couch , but hid it before he or Henry could see it . I turned my attention to my laptop which had the website , Fmylife open . Henry noticed my shift in focus and started talking to Jonathan . Tuning out their conversation , I retreated into my thoughts . I nodded at appropriate times and feigned interest like I always did . To be honest , the conversations about this Rachel girl were getting repetitive . Someone who had minimal interaction with her would find someone else who had even less interaction with her and express what a " shock " it was when it happened . I was a little surprised when my thoughts crossed over the pain in my forehead , and suddenly all I could think of was Lucas . He perplexed me . He seemed to genuinely care about my wellbeing , but yet he didn 't ask for my number or ask to walk me up to my room or whatever . I concluded on the thought that he really didn 't care , and that he was just making sure I didn 't want to sue him or anything . My thoughts were interrupted by Henry 's voice . * * * Walking into the club , I heard the sounds of my favorite band , Paramore . Carly immediately began dancing to the tune of Crushcrushcrush as we were walking down the stairs to the main floor of the club . She flung her dark brown hair around in sync with the beat of the song and she pulled Mike out to the dance floor . Henry and I sat at the bar and saw Jonathan walking down the stairs . He was closely followed by Lucas and his eyes magnetically stuck to mine from across the room . I saw a smile creep across his face . He and Jonathan made their way over to the bar , but our eyes never separated . His were full of amusement , while mine were filled with annoyance . I gave him a glare and he burst into laughter . Jonathan and Henry broke off and started chatting while Lucas and I had a couple drinks . Lucas and I just sat at the bar talking about the music they were playing . I sat there stunned for a moment . No way were he and I in the same place at the same time worshiping the same band . I must have been staring for a few minutes because he broke me out of my trance by waving his hand in my face . We sat there as the final line of a song neither of us was paying attention to finished . Eagerly awaiting the next song to play , I looked around and noticed that everyone else was gone . The DJ shut off the sound system and the bartender told us they were closing in a few minutes . We stared at each other with wide eyes and disbelief . He got off his stool and motioned towards the staircase . I wiped my hands on my jeans and walked past him up the stairs . The cool , crisp air outside felt refreshing after being inside for God knows how long . I stretched a bit as Lucas emerged out of the stairway and chuckled at me . He smiled at me and I smiled back . It was then that I realized that I was doing exactly what I didn 't want to do . Acting on instinct , my mind took over and I broke this moment between us . I tried desperately to think of a rational excuse to keep from walking back with him , but failed miserably . I just nodded and walked beside him , not saying a word the whole mile and a half to the dorm . He tried to talk to me , but I made it very clear that I was " too tired to think " so he gave up after the third avoided question . We walked up the stairs of the dorm building and stood outside my room for a moment . Lucas burst into laughter that carried across the courtyard . We walked into the other dorm building and up the stairs to the third floor where Lucas ' room was . This building was much younger and nicer than the one I was living in . We walked into the room and my jaw nearly fell off when I saw the interior . It was at least twice as big as my room , and he didn 't even have a roommate . I went into the bathroom to take a piss and change and I came out to see him already under his covers . I walked softly over to the bed and sat down on it . As usual , I went over the day 's events in my head as a way of cataloguing any significance in any moment . I stopped at the brief moment between Lucas and I outside the club and couldn 't decide if that was significant . Without thinking , I blurted out a question to Lucas . I turned over and lay down on the bed . I stared at the ceiling and kept thinking about that exchange of smiles . As much as I disliked the idea , I had found a new friend in Lucas Harper . That wasn 't what was bothering me though . The issue I was bumping up against was whether or not I would drive him away . He was so different from the people I was friends with . Carly and Henry were just as closed of as I was … I mean am . But Lucas has a warming quality that I was afraid of breaking . I turned over , facing away from Lucas , and started drifting off to sleep . I could hear him lightly snoring from his bed behind me , and for the first time in a while , I let out a genuine laugh . It wasn 't forced or fake . And that 's when I realized that I actually liked Lucas . I was friends with Henry because we were in the same social group and had similar taste in music . I was friends with Carly because we 've been together nearly since birth . And right now , I couldn 't really tell if I actually liked either of them . THANK YOU ! , itc ! Excellent ! Been waiting for this 2nd chapter , and , in the mean time , read " Graduation " ! Now I understand the " tie in " here . Fantastic ! ! I 'm truly enjoying your writing style ! And , especially appreciate your including Aaron 's " inner conversation " with himself . Definitely looking forward to more ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote August 10th , 2009 , 11 : 44 AM Happy to see an addition to the story . I am certain Aaron and Lucas are going to be very good friends . . . . . . . . . . . . hopefully more . Like Littletosay , I wonder if Henry and Jonathan are getting to know each other . . . lol Great chapter ITC ! I felt the vibrations of my phone beneath my pillow . It was just loud enough to wake me , but not enough to stir Lucas out of his sleep . I slowly and quietly changed clothes and left his room . The sun was barely coming up and all I could think of was how much I missed my mother . I clutched the locket that hid beneath my shirt as my breathing became heavy with grief . I looked away from the sunrise and just walked around for a little while . I felt bad for leaving Lucas like that , but it was pointless for me to let myself get close to someone else . I listened to the voice in my head telling me that I had enough . Any more than what I already have would just make things harder . I would have just left it at that , but then I heard a voice I hadn 't heard in a long time . There was a name I hadn 't thought of in years . He was a lot like Lucas , or at least what I 've witnessed from Lucas so far . We complemented each other like cheese and macaroni . Everyone thought we were twins because between the two of us , we knew everything . We were like two halves of an apple . At least , until his dad 's company relocated his family to a small town three states away . That was about two years before I met Henry . If it weren 't for Carly I wouldn 't have even had Henry . But life has been hard enough since then , I don 't need someone else who I am certain will cause me pain one day . The argument in my mind subsided as I once again listened to my negativity and decided that Lucas was too good for me to even try to be his friend . I passed through the doors of my dorm building and saw Henry laying on one of the couches in the lounge . He looked totally smashed from last night . I walked up to him and flicked his ear . When I got him up to his dorm room , I went back downstairs to mine to see if Jonathan was still there . I looked at my watch and it was now 7 : 30 a . m . I poked my head into the room and saw that no one was inside . It reeked of sex so I grabbed the air freshener and just blasted it around the room . I sat on my bed and dropped my head into my hands for a moment . I actually didn 't know Henry as well as I thought . He could have done it himself , but I didn 't want to believe it . I especially didn 't want to because it was our usually breakfast day . It was the only morning the three of us had off at the same time , so we went to the local IHOP and caught up with the week 's events . I shoved my sausages into my mouth and listened to Carly drone on about her and Mike . I honestly couldn 't care less , but as usual I feigned interest and kept any conflict to a minimum . At any second I expected my thoughts to drift away from Carly incessant yammering . And there it was . I forgot my wallet . I don 't even remember where I put it . I felt around all my pockets and nothing . Thankfully it was Carly 's day to pay so I didn 't have to worry as much . * * * I sat down in my chair near the door and planted my face in my arms . I absolutely hated this class . Well , more the professor than the class . He and I were total opposites and we viewed the world completely differently . We constantly argued about the " meaning " of everything since I just believe that the world is in constant chaos and things just happen . We never agreed on anything and being the asshole I am , I always had to argue my point until both of us gave up , or he kicked me out of the class . He walked away towards the back of the room . I saw him sit down in the back row and felt a rush of guilt overwhelm me . I got up and went to sit next to him . " I just assigned a report . You partner up with someone you don 't know or barely know and study them . Then you write a full report about why you think they are the way they are , " he said . I looked at Lucas and he looked back at me . A smile began to penetrate the stern look on his face that he was holding for so long , but he quickly stopped it . I held up my hand to ask a question and Robbins took a deep breath . I smiled when he turned away . I don 't know what made me feel better , freaking out the entire class , or having an academic reason to be friends with Lucas . I turned to Lucas with the smile still on my face and saw the shock on his . He stared at me in disbelief as I chuckled at everyone 's confusion . When class was dismissed , Lucas and I walked towards the parking lot together . There was silence between us that I wanted him to be the one to break . I wanted to think of something to say , but my mind was running on empty . " I 'm sorry , I really can 't . I promised Carly I 'd go see that counselor again . I have to go around 6 : 30 . " I said . I was . The first genuine smile on my face in two years , and Lucas was causing it . I had no idea what that actually meant . I just knew that I wanted to be around Lucas as much as I possibly could . We sat down at one of the tables outside . The light breeze swept through the little junction of stores . Lucas jumped face first into his sandwich while I slowly picked at my pasta . " Ok , " I said pulling the small locket out from under my shirt collar , " This locket belonged to my mother . She bought it one day when we went to Sea World . She always loved dolphins and when she saw this … she said it was the third time in her life that she was absolutely certain about something she wanted . " " I found it one day shortly before I left for school , and I put a picture of her in it . I wear it everyday to remind myself that what I 'm doing is important for me . No matter how far away I am , when I 'm wearing this locket I feel like I 'm right where I belong . " " Alright well , when I was a kid I always wanted to have a dog . My neighbor had a Doberman puppy and I was absolutely in love with it . But my dad was crazy allergic to dog hair , so we couldn 't have one , " he said . " Yeah … so anyway , when I was like 8 or 9 , my dad had a business trip up in Lake Tahoe , so my parents decided to just make it into a family vacation since it was during the summer . My mom and I were walking down a little junction of stores and I walked by this toy store . I looked in the window and saw this little Doberman Beanie Baby , " he said . " I know , I know , guys and Beanie Babies just don 't really mix , but I was just a kid . I begged my mom for like 20 minutes to buy it for me until she was finally convinced that it would keep me from begging for a real dog . As soon as I got it in my arms , I was never apart from it . I loved that dog so much , " he said . I looked at Lucas completely differently . The compassion and kindness that he had wasn 't something he did voluntarily . From his story , I could tell that it was just natural for him . I smiled back at him and nodded . At that moment , it was like everything slowed down . I looked into his bright hazel eyes and saw the vulnerability . I wasn 't looking at his vulnerability , but I could see myself in the reflection of his eyes . I was looking at mine . I had never told anyone about the locket I held with me everyday . I never reached that level of connection with anyone . And yet , here I sat with a near stranger , and I just spilled information about one of my greatest possessions without much provocation from him . It was like that deal between us established a trust that would take most people years to build . We instantly had a " You give , I give " connection . It felt amazing not only to trust someone so easily , but also to be trusted by that person with the same level of ease . I felt different , almost refreshed . I could feel the changes happening inside me . The warmth I locked away so many years ago was bubbling to the surface and pushing out the cold , logical , and emotionless version of me . That was an amazing chapter . I 'm really feeling for Luke and Aaron now . Hopefully they 'll get to be better friends . . . if Aaron 's head doesn 't do him in . What a great story - so well written ! I love the way you let us in to AAron 's inner voices . . . and I could feel the connection happening - blossoming ! I am an incurable romantic - I am loving this ! ! ! Hugs ! Reply With Quote August 15th , 2009 , 09 : 00 PM That was a wonderfully warm and touching chapter . Trust like that does not come easily . I have a feeling Aaron is going to be a little more reasonable with the counselor . He has something important to relay this time . Luke has that inner connection that anyone would be happy to share . Obviously he has some of the same concerns regarding friendships that Aaron has . I like the way things are going in this story . Eager to read the next chapter . Hey guys , so this chapter is a bit shorter but I wanted to get this part out of the way as soon as possible . I think I 've allowed you all get a better feel for Aaron in this chapter and I 'm going to bring in a few subtle hints and a few not so subtle hints with the next few chapters . Enjoy Wings of A Butterfly Veronica looked at me through her black rimmed glasses as I sat in the chair across from her . I subtly looked around the room to try and get a read on her in case I needed some ammo . She offered me a glass of tea , which I reluctantly accepted . Veronica examined me for a moment , as if to check for subtle hints that could actually lead her somewhere . She picked up her cup and sipped at her tea with her eyes closed . When she opened her eyes it was like a fire had been lit in her soul . She held more energy in them , as if she found something she could use . " I believe you agreed because you value your relationship with Carly , but you 're afraid of feeling vulnerable with another human being . So you fight them every step of the way , but you still end up doing things for them . You do it so you appear to care about them , but to also tell them that you wish you didn 't , " she said . " You think you know me after talking to me twice ? Well let me tell you something , you don 't know a thing about me . So you can sit up here in your little room with all your credentials hanging up on the wall and listen to other people complain about their problems . But me , I 'm going out there . I 'm going to do something that actually matters to the world . So you can take your assumptions about me and shove them up your ass because you have no idea why I am the way that I am . " I bolted out of my seat and stormed over towards the door . She was up and at the door faster than I could reach it . She held her hand against the door as I was trying to open it and storm out of the room . She looked calmly into my eyes and somehow forced the rage that was boiling under my skin to subside . She slowly walked back to her seat . As she sat down she motioned toward the chair for me to sit back down . I turned to face her and crossed my arms . " Before you can face whatever makes you afraid of connecting with other people , you need to tell at least one person what it is , " she said , " It doesn 't have to be me , it can be anyone . But until you tell someone , you 'll always be afraid of it . You 'll keep pushing people out of your life just as you 're about to get close to them . " Defeated , I walked back over to the chair across from her . I stared directly into her dark blue eyes . There was no anger or judgment in them . There was no hostility or restraint in mine either . I couldn 't see it , but I definitely felt it . " Aaron , there is no need for an apology . What you did was a classic outburst . In a way , it made it easier to see who you really are underneath this façade you portray , " she said . She looked up at me with confusion on her face . Her lips pursed and her brow wrinkled with intense thought . I noticed her right hand start flipping her pen around her fingers , something that my Psych professor said people do when they are working something over in their mind . She paused for a second . She put down her sandwich and kept her eyes low . She placed her arms on the table across her chest . Her eyes slowly looked up into mine and examined me for a moment . " Aaron , you haven 't been involved with any girl that I know of since I met you . You haven 't given any reason to believe that you 're straight . You 've never even stated whether you were straight or not . So yeah , I can believe that she may have thought so . " I grabbed my things and walked away . The wind was blowing gently , so I decided to follow it and see where it took me . I really didn 't care . It was Friday afternoon , and two days since I last saw Lucas . Me , being the idiot that I am , forgot to get his number . And both times I knocked on his door were not answered . I was walking by the Science and Health Studies building when a door opened and nearly hit me in the face . A crowd of students flew out the door and poured into the courtyard . Politely , I held the door open and waited for every last one of them to leave the room . The last person to leave was the last person I expected it to be . I rolled my eyes and pushed his shoulder . I didn 't even know where we were walking to , but we ended up at the east parking lot . I looked around for a moment in silence while standing next to Lucas waiting for the crosswalk to turn . He smiled and walked across the street with his golden hair being brushed by the light wind . As he walked away , I noticed he was slightly limping . I pushed it into the back of my mind for now and walked off towards the corner store with a small grin on my face . Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote August 17th , 2009 , 09 : 50 AM That was a very thought provoking chapter . It 's obvious Aaron can 't always stay on his sarcastic path . The counselor broke through and Luke has as well . He 's really not a bad ass after all . Now he has to come to terms with his sexuality and I hope Luke will begin that journey with him soon . Thanks for the update and looking for the next . Thanks for the speedy update . . . if only I could crank out quality work that quickly haha . I 'm VERY excited for the next chapter and to find out what this limp was all about . More more more ! ! ! Irish I knocked on his door three times , each knock slightly lower on the door than the other . I never noticed that I did it until now . Something about Lucas made me more aware of anything I did . Even my little weird things like my knock . The pizza in my left hand was starting to make my palm sweat , or at least that 's what I convinced myself was making it sweat . He opened the door and smiled at me . I opened the box and we each grabbed a slice . I sat back down in his chair and he flopped down on his bed and ate the slice in seconds . I laughed at him and he smiled awkwardly at me . A moment of silence passed between us as we ate . His eyes were glued to the ground and I could tell he was thinking of something that he wasn 't sure about saying . After I finished my slice , I took a deep breath . " Well it got me thinking , " he said , " And I thought about it all day . I 'm not trying to pry you for information or anything , but if you want we could make another deal . You tell me something , I 'll tell you something . " Lucas sat up and sat on the edge of his bed . He stared into my eyes and somehow , I felt a little better . The pain in my chest went away and I was able to hold the tears back a little better than before . " I came home from school one day and found her unconscious in the kitchen . I called 911 but it was too late . I found my mother dead that day . " " She worked so hard for me . She worked so hard to give me a good life … " I said , " But she never thought about what would happen to me if she was gone . " That did it . The tears pushed themselves out of my eyes and I fell forward into myself . Lucas stood up and kneeled down in front of me and caught me before I collapsed . He held me and I cried on his shoulder . " Aaron , that 's ok , " he said . He pulled me away from him and looked directly into my eyes . He placed both hands firmly , but gently , on my shoulders . " She obviously didn 't want you to know until it happened , " he said , " She was probably so scared about leaving you . She probably didn 't want you to have to live every single day in fear , and then have grief on top of that feeling after she died . It 's not wrong for you to be angry , but she probably didn 't tell you because of what knowing that she was going to die would do to you . " He looked firmly into my eyes . I could see his fixation , and from that I could tell that he did genuinely care about me . In my mind , I saw myself drowning . I couldn 't keep myself afloat , even though I had people around me trying to pull me out of the water . I was just about to give up and let myself fall beneath the surface , when I felt a hand grab my arm and lift me up . I looked into the eyes of my rescuer . The bright hazel colored eyes that penetrated my soul and brought down every barrier I had built . I looked back into his eyes and felt the pain be washed away . The tears stopped and I regained my composition . I took several deep breaths and calmed myself down . I sat up straight , never looking away from Lucas ' eyes . They made me feel safe . I nodded at him , but remained silent . I didn 't know what to do now . This was the most vulnerable I 've ever felt in my life . For the first time since my mom 's funeral , I cried in front of another person . I knew he felt the tension boiling inside me , so he wrapped his arms around me again to comfort me . I got up and put the movie in and pressed play . I sat back into the chair and he moved back onto his bed . I noticed he kept looking at me as if I were about to shatter into a million pieces . He walked over to his bookshelf , and I noticed his slight limp again . He turned around smiling with the case of October Sky in his hands . I must have had a worried look on my face or something because his smile disappeared and his eyes glazed over a bit . " It 's ok , " he said , " I talked to Jonathan this morning and he told me everything . He seemed so proud of it , so I yelled at him . Then he said , ' It 's not like I raped him or anything , ' and the next thing I knew , my fist flew into his face . I knocked him on the ground and he kicked me in the hip when I leaned in to help him up . " I smiled at him and he smiled back . At that moment , I felt like we were floating in a space of nothingness . There was nothing to worry about except whether or not we were flying or falling . That 's how it was with Lucas . I could be flying or falling , and it would make no difference to me . It was a challenge to be open with him , but at the same time I felt completely safe . We watched the movie in near silence . Apparently we both loved this movie so much that we could nearly recite the script . I swear at one point I saw him mouthing some of the words . But he just blushed and looked away from me . Lucas made me feel different than my other friends did . I didn 't have to worry about what I said or how I said it . I didn 't have to worry about whether or not I stepped on his toes . I didn 't have to worry about anything really . All I had to do was be myself and let him see my vulnerable side every once in a while . * * * It was nearly 11 at night when I got back to my dorm room . Jonathan was sitting at his desk . I could see very clearly where Lucas clocked him . I couldn 't help but smirk a little about it . " Look you little shit , " I said , " I really don 't care if you do drugs . You can OD on the shit for all I care . But if you EVER slip any of my friends any drugs again without them knowing about it , I swear to God I will rip off your balls and shove em down your throat . " " Do you have any idea what I did to people like you at my high school ? " I asked , " Well it would be NOTHING compared to what I would do to you if you came within 5 feet of Henry ever again . Do you understand me ? " He nodded with fear . I released my grip on his shirt and walked away from him . I didn 't hear him move at all , but when I looked back he was opening the door to leave . Wow ! How great to see Aaron being so vulnerable in telling Luke about his mother . Trusting another person so deeply takes a lot of fortitude . Then , along with Luke , being so protective of another friend . A maturity is growing within him and it suits him well . I like that he and Luke are bonding so well . Awesome chapter , ITC . Great work , ITC ! I love how comfortable he 's becoming with Luke . I can really feel this story going somewhere great ! I also enjoyed how both of them stood up for Henry , especially Aaron who only had Luke 's word on the matter . Aw ! THAT is Fantastic ! ! This is a Good story , itc ! THANK YOU ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote Page 1 of 9

Hey guys , so as promised I 've started on a new story . I 've been tweaking it for a couple days now , and I think it 's finally ready for public eyes . I wanna give a quick thanks to everyone who read and supported Graduation . And those who didn 't , well you should go read it : Graduation The clock that hung from the wall ticked loudly through the silence as the pendulum swung from side to side . I had probably been sitting there for 3 minutes without saying a word . What could I say though ? There was nothing on my mind and she seemed stubborn enough to not be the first one to break the silence between us . " Well , it 's really nothing huge . It 's just a bunch of little things . Homework , tests , social ties … stuff like that , " I said . The woman gently uncrossed and re - crossed her legs as she took a sip of her coffee . She stared at me beneath rectangular , black - rimmed glasses as if to signal me to continue . I really didn 't know what to say . I wasn 't even here by my own choice . Stupid school requirements were forcing me to come here . Apparently , when one student kills themselves , every other student must be suicidal as well . " I don 't know . I try to remind myself that I 'm actually doing pretty well in life . I think about that girl Rachel , the one who shot herself , and I just think about how messed up things must have been for her , " I said . " Not really , no . I mean , I didn 't actually know her so her death doesn 't make me sad . But I feel compassion for the people that cared about her . I 've seen them around and they look pretty fucked up , " I said . " It 's fine . No one is going to get mad at you here . I can have a fucking dirty mouth too sometimes , " she said with a smile . I smiled back at her , but it was just a courtesy smile . I really didn 't think I belonged here . On the outside , I was just a normal college student trying his best to do well in life . On the inside , I didn 't really care about much . All over , I was just your typical everyday teenager who just wanted to fit in and be accepted . " She 's great . We 've been friends since Junior High . She brings out the best kind of person in me . When I 'm around her , I just feel so free it 's as if I could be anyone I wanted to be , " I said . " There 's Carly 's boyfriend , Mike . He 's an ok guy . I wouldn 't consider him one of my best friends , but it 's important to Carly that I like him , so I do , " I said . " Well Aaron , from what I 've gathered there is no need for you to be in therapy . You are perfectly normal in every visual way . I 'll write up a dismissal form for you to turn in at the administrator 's office on campus … unless you want to tell me something else ? " she asked . We sat down at one of the picnic tables that were scattered around the campus . Carly dug right into her food but I just sat there playing with mine with my fork . The fork got stuck and I ended up flicking an olive into the air . I eyed her expression up and down . I was trying to tell if she was pulling my leg or if she was honestly suggesting this . She noticed me studying her face and stared back at me with a raised eyebrow . " Quite possibly , but more importantly I 'm actually serious . You 're so bitter and sarcastic all the time . You never actually talk about what 's bothering you , " she said . After Carly took off to her Philosophy class , I decided to walk around campus . My thought train was on several different tracks as it always was . The first track stayed focused on what I would talk about with the counselor . Would she ask me questions again , or would I have to come up with stuff on my own ? What if I couldn 't think of anything to say ? Did it really matter ? I shook my head at the thought . It didn 't matter at all because it wasn 't necessary . It 's not like there 's anything wrong with me . What 's a psychiatrist going to tell me that I don 't already know ? Whatever , it was for Carly anyway . As long as she was content with me then I was happy . She has no need to worry about me , and this was the only way to prove it to her . My second track was thinking about Rachel . Not about her death , but who she really was . I tried to come up with a picture of what her life was like before she killed herself . The news report said her brother and three of her friends were there when she did it . They said she tried to kill one of them , but her brother stopped her . It made me think that her brother was really close to her and meant a lot to her . But why would she kill herself instead of get help ? Did she really not want to live anymore or did she feel so ashamed about what she did that her brother wouldn 't love her anymore ? It was a sad thought , but I figured anyone who is desperate enough to kill themselves if it meant the pain would stop then she was beyond help . It was a sad thought sure , but it didn 't make me sad . Her brother must have had it rough though . If I had a brother or a sister , then I would probably be able to imagine what he felt . But I didn 't , so I didn 't care very much . My third track was about all the new people moving into the dorms after what happened . There were so few people living in the dorms before that I was able to live alone , but now I was being assigned a roommate . Joy . Another person that I have to socialize with every day , just what I wanted . I finally jumped off my thought train and looked at my watch realizing that it was 1 : 30 already . I decided to head back to the dorm and wait for my new roommate . When I walked past the main Administrator 's Office , I turned the corner sharply and accidentally bumped into someone . I hit my head against theirs and fell down on my ass . He lowered his hand towards me to lift me up . I rubbed my head with my left hand as I took his extended arm with my right . He pulled me up and steadied me . As my vision refocused I was able to see his face . He had a pair of bright green eyes fixated on me while I regained my balance . I took a step forward and wobbled a little . He grabbed my shoulder and laughed a little . Once I got my balance back I laughed a little as well and shook my head . " You want me to walk with you and make sure you don 't pass out ? " he asked flashing me his bright smile . We walked across the campus together , every now and then I would stumble a little and he caught me before I tripped over myself . Each time I did it he let out a chuckle . I probably looked like a complete idiot . We were about halfway across the campus when he started talking to me randomly . I looked up at him and admired him a little . I wasn 't a very creative person , and I respected those that were . I couldn 't draw anything to save my life , but I like looking at the work of those that could . He looked at me as we stopped outside of the north dorm building . His bright hazel eyes glimmered in the light from the sun . I studied them as discretely as I could and noticed that there was a hint of gold around the edges . He smiled and revealed a set of bright white teeth that would make a dentist jealous . I didn 't know what he was smiling at , so I raised an eyebrow at him . As he walked away , I tried to study what made him tick , and what made those thoughts slip out of my mind . Even with Carly , I kept all of my sarcasm in my head so I didn 't offend her at all . There was something different about Luke that I couldn 't quite put my finger on . He was like a book full of analogies and metaphors that made my brain itch . He was confusing and yet , I felt like I understood him at the same time . The only thing I didn 't understand was that bizarre question and answer session while we were walking . Did he honestly care if I was ok even though he just met me ? That had to be it ; and that officially made him tomorrow 's problem . Today 's problem was probably already upstairs unpacking it 's shit , and I had to go meet it and make nice with it for the rest of the semester . He was probably some weak little brainiac that was so afraid of the world that he had to move in with the big boys . It 's just what I needed this semester ; to be some pathetic genius ' bodyguard . I flopped down on my bed and closed my eyes for a moment . My thoughts instantly drifted to Lucas … I mean Luke . What was his deal ? No one could be that nice to someone they just met . Fuck , now I was obsessing . I opened my eyes and rubbed the spot on my forehead where his head hit mine . Just then the door popped open and my new roommate stepped inside , followed closely by that awkward moment . I think I 'm going to like this story ! Off to a really great start . I think I have a feeling who Aaron 's new roommate is going to be BTW , I LOVED Graduation ! ! ! You have such compelling storylines and I have a feeling I won 't be disappointed with this one either . Can 't wait for more ! ! already I have noticed some parallels ! rachel killed herself in " Graduation " and also had a brother who was concerned - - same here . I 'm guessing lucas / luke is the love interest ? he has sparking green eyes ( and a killer smile ) , just like Cameron . Reply With Quote July 18th , 2009 , 10 : 56 PM Hmmm ! Haven 't read " Graduation " . . . yet ! . . . but , I 'm liking this one . . . a LOT ! PLEASE keep up the great work ! I 'm definitely looking forward to reading more of YOU ! Very interesting perspective ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote July 19th , 2009 , 01 : 16 AM How great to sign on today and see one of my favorite authors had started a new story . I like the approach this one has and as ASDF pointed out , there are the parallels with " Graduation . " Who would have thought that a tragic event such as Rachael killing herself would have such a wide effect on someone that didn 't even know her . I can tell this is going to be as brilliant a story as " Graduation " but with an entirely new cast of characters . Looking forward to a long read . already I have noticed some parallels ! rachel killed herself in " Graduation " and also had a brother who was concerned - - same here . I 'm guessing lucas / luke is the love interest ? he has sparking green eyes ( and a killer smile ) , just like Cameron . Oops looks like I overlooked something while I was editing . His eyes were supposed to be Hazel . I guess I just missed that one And I 'm glad you guys like it so far . I 'm gonna start chapter two today and hopefully be finished soon . Thanks for the support guys ! Great start ! I really enjoyed " Graduation " , I think I 'll like this story too . Looking forward to chapter 2 already ! Reply With Quote July 23rd , 2009 , 05 : 34 AM ITC this is a great beginning . Looking forward to more . I know that it will be just as fantastic as Graduation and I think you know by now that that story was the greatest . H & K " He 's ok . He 's kinda quiet though . After he unpacked he just sat at his desk playing games on his computer , " I said . Henry and I were sitting in the Student Hall on campus . The building was amazing . It had a big sitting / study area on the main floor , a library on the second floor , and a bunch of little shops , food places , and even a bowling alley in the underground area . I sat on my favorite couch in the room and Henry sat in the armchair sitting adjacent to me . I turned around and looked at the doors behind me . Jonathan was standing there looking awkwardly into the crowd for a place to sit down . I couldn 't help but feel sorry for him . He honestly looked like a guy who just needed a friend . He turned his head and saw me staring at him , so I gave a kind of half wave at him . He looked away instantly and walked towards the stairs . Jonathan stopped dead in his tracks . He looked over at us and saw Henry waving him over to our area . I could see his hesitation and smell his fear from where I was sitting . I nodded at him when he turned his dark brown eyes to me . After a moment of awkward pause , he shifted his feet and walked slowly over to us . I found myself hating him a little bit . Not because he was so awkward , but because he didn 't seem to even want a social life . It was as if he was battling with himself on the inside , and I couldn 't tell if he was winning or losing . He was very difficult to read and for that , I couldn 't help but hate him . No one has been able to hide themselves from me for very long , but this kid was actually giving me a challenge . As he sat down on the opposite end of the couch I was sitting on , there was an awkward moment of silence between us . I gave a quick stink eye at him when he sat on my couch , but hid it before he or Henry could see it . I turned my attention to my laptop which had the website , Fmylife open . Henry noticed my shift in focus and started talking to Jonathan . Tuning out their conversation , I retreated into my thoughts . I nodded at appropriate times and feigned interest like I always did . To be honest , the conversations about this Rachel girl were getting repetitive . Someone who had minimal interaction with her would find someone else who had even less interaction with her and express what a " shock " it was when it happened . I was a little surprised when my thoughts crossed over the pain in my forehead , and suddenly all I could think of was Lucas . He perplexed me . He seemed to genuinely care about my wellbeing , but yet he didn 't ask for my number or ask to walk me up to my room or whatever . I concluded on the thought that he really didn 't care , and that he was just making sure I didn 't want to sue him or anything . My thoughts were interrupted by Henry 's voice . * * * Walking into the club , I heard the sounds of my favorite band , Paramore . Carly immediately began dancing to the tune of Crushcrushcrush as we were walking down the stairs to the main floor of the club . She flung her dark brown hair around in sync with the beat of the song and she pulled Mike out to the dance floor . Henry and I sat at the bar and saw Jonathan walking down the stairs . He was closely followed by Lucas and his eyes magnetically stuck to mine from across the room . I saw a smile creep across his face . He and Jonathan made their way over to the bar , but our eyes never separated . His were full of amusement , while mine were filled with annoyance . I gave him a glare and he burst into laughter . Jonathan and Henry broke off and started chatting while Lucas and I had a couple drinks . Lucas and I just sat at the bar talking about the music they were playing . I sat there stunned for a moment . No way were he and I in the same place at the same time worshiping the same band . I must have been staring for a few minutes because he broke me out of my trance by waving his hand in my face . We sat there as the final line of a song neither of us was paying attention to finished . Eagerly awaiting the next song to play , I looked around and noticed that everyone else was gone . The DJ shut off the sound system and the bartender told us they were closing in a few minutes . We stared at each other with wide eyes and disbelief . He got off his stool and motioned towards the staircase . I wiped my hands on my jeans and walked past him up the stairs . The cool , crisp air outside felt refreshing after being inside for God knows how long . I stretched a bit as Lucas emerged out of the stairway and chuckled at me . He smiled at me and I smiled back . It was then that I realized that I was doing exactly what I didn 't want to do . Acting on instinct , my mind took over and I broke this moment between us . I tried desperately to think of a rational excuse to keep from walking back with him , but failed miserably . I just nodded and walked beside him , not saying a word the whole mile and a half to the dorm . He tried to talk to me , but I made it very clear that I was " too tired to think " so he gave up after the third avoided question . We walked up the stairs of the dorm building and stood outside my room for a moment . Lucas burst into laughter that carried across the courtyard . We walked into the other dorm building and up the stairs to the third floor where Lucas ' room was . This building was much younger and nicer than the one I was living in . We walked into the room and my jaw nearly fell off when I saw the interior . It was at least twice as big as my room , and he didn 't even have a roommate . I went into the bathroom to take a piss and change and I came out to see him already under his covers . I walked softly over to the bed and sat down on it . As usual , I went over the day 's events in my head as a way of cataloguing any significance in any moment . I stopped at the brief moment between Lucas and I outside the club and couldn 't decide if that was significant . Without thinking , I blurted out a question to Lucas . I turned over and lay down on the bed . I stared at the ceiling and kept thinking about that exchange of smiles . As much as I disliked the idea , I had found a new friend in Lucas Harper . That wasn 't what was bothering me though . The issue I was bumping up against was whether or not I would drive him away . He was so different from the people I was friends with . Carly and Henry were just as closed of as I was … I mean am . But Lucas has a warming quality that I was afraid of breaking . I turned over , facing away from Lucas , and started drifting off to sleep . I could hear him lightly snoring from his bed behind me , and for the first time in a while , I let out a genuine laugh . It wasn 't forced or fake . And that 's when I realized that I actually liked Lucas . I was friends with Henry because we were in the same social group and had similar taste in music . I was friends with Carly because we 've been together nearly since birth . And right now , I couldn 't really tell if I actually liked either of them . THANK YOU ! , itc ! Excellent ! Been waiting for this 2nd chapter , and , in the mean time , read " Graduation " ! Now I understand the " tie in " here . Fantastic ! ! I 'm truly enjoying your writing style ! And , especially appreciate your including Aaron 's " inner conversation " with himself . Definitely looking forward to more ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote August 10th , 2009 , 11 : 44 AM Happy to see an addition to the story . I am certain Aaron and Lucas are going to be very good friends . . . . . . . . . . . . hopefully more . Like Littletosay , I wonder if Henry and Jonathan are getting to know each other . . . lol Great chapter ITC ! I felt the vibrations of my phone beneath my pillow . It was just loud enough to wake me , but not enough to stir Lucas out of his sleep . I slowly and quietly changed clothes and left his room . The sun was barely coming up and all I could think of was how much I missed my mother . I clutched the locket that hid beneath my shirt as my breathing became heavy with grief . I looked away from the sunrise and just walked around for a little while . I felt bad for leaving Lucas like that , but it was pointless for me to let myself get close to someone else . I listened to the voice in my head telling me that I had enough . Any more than what I already have would just make things harder . I would have just left it at that , but then I heard a voice I hadn 't heard in a long time . There was a name I hadn 't thought of in years . He was a lot like Lucas , or at least what I 've witnessed from Lucas so far . We complemented each other like cheese and macaroni . Everyone thought we were twins because between the two of us , we knew everything . We were like two halves of an apple . At least , until his dad 's company relocated his family to a small town three states away . That was about two years before I met Henry . If it weren 't for Carly I wouldn 't have even had Henry . But life has been hard enough since then , I don 't need someone else who I am certain will cause me pain one day . The argument in my mind subsided as I once again listened to my negativity and decided that Lucas was too good for me to even try to be his friend . I passed through the doors of my dorm building and saw Henry laying on one of the couches in the lounge . He looked totally smashed from last night . I walked up to him and flicked his ear . When I got him up to his dorm room , I went back downstairs to mine to see if Jonathan was still there . I looked at my watch and it was now 7 : 30 a . m . I poked my head into the room and saw that no one was inside . It reeked of sex so I grabbed the air freshener and just blasted it around the room . I sat on my bed and dropped my head into my hands for a moment . I actually didn 't know Henry as well as I thought . He could have done it himself , but I didn 't want to believe it . I especially didn 't want to because it was our usually breakfast day . It was the only morning the three of us had off at the same time , so we went to the local IHOP and caught up with the week 's events . I shoved my sausages into my mouth and listened to Carly drone on about her and Mike . I honestly couldn 't care less , but as usual I feigned interest and kept any conflict to a minimum . At any second I expected my thoughts to drift away from Carly incessant yammering . And there it was . I forgot my wallet . I don 't even remember where I put it . I felt around all my pockets and nothing . Thankfully it was Carly 's day to pay so I didn 't have to worry as much . * * * I sat down in my chair near the door and planted my face in my arms . I absolutely hated this class . Well , more the professor than the class . He and I were total opposites and we viewed the world completely differently . We constantly argued about the " meaning " of everything since I just believe that the world is in constant chaos and things just happen . We never agreed on anything and being the asshole I am , I always had to argue my point until both of us gave up , or he kicked me out of the class . He walked away towards the back of the room . I saw him sit down in the back row and felt a rush of guilt overwhelm me . I got up and went to sit next to him . " I just assigned a report . You partner up with someone you don 't know or barely know and study them . Then you write a full report about why you think they are the way they are , " he said . I looked at Lucas and he looked back at me . A smile began to penetrate the stern look on his face that he was holding for so long , but he quickly stopped it . I held up my hand to ask a question and Robbins took a deep breath . I smiled when he turned away . I don 't know what made me feel better , freaking out the entire class , or having an academic reason to be friends with Lucas . I turned to Lucas with the smile still on my face and saw the shock on his . He stared at me in disbelief as I chuckled at everyone 's confusion . When class was dismissed , Lucas and I walked towards the parking lot together . There was silence between us that I wanted him to be the one to break . I wanted to think of something to say , but my mind was running on empty . " I 'm sorry , I really can 't . I promised Carly I 'd go see that counselor again . I have to go around 6 : 30 . " I said . I was . The first genuine smile on my face in two years , and Lucas was causing it . I had no idea what that actually meant . I just knew that I wanted to be around Lucas as much as I possibly could . We sat down at one of the tables outside . The light breeze swept through the little junction of stores . Lucas jumped face first into his sandwich while I slowly picked at my pasta . " Ok , " I said pulling the small locket out from under my shirt collar , " This locket belonged to my mother . She bought it one day when we went to Sea World . She always loved dolphins and when she saw this … she said it was the third time in her life that she was absolutely certain about something she wanted . " " I found it one day shortly before I left for school , and I put a picture of her in it . I wear it everyday to remind myself that what I 'm doing is important for me . No matter how far away I am , when I 'm wearing this locket I feel like I 'm right where I belong . " " Alright well , when I was a kid I always wanted to have a dog . My neighbor had a Doberman puppy and I was absolutely in love with it . But my dad was crazy allergic to dog hair , so we couldn 't have one , " he said . " Yeah … so anyway , when I was like 8 or 9 , my dad had a business trip up in Lake Tahoe , so my parents decided to just make it into a family vacation since it was during the summer . My mom and I were walking down a little junction of stores and I walked by this toy store . I looked in the window and saw this little Doberman Beanie Baby , " he said . " I know , I know , guys and Beanie Babies just don 't really mix , but I was just a kid . I begged my mom for like 20 minutes to buy it for me until she was finally convinced that it would keep me from begging for a real dog . As soon as I got it in my arms , I was never apart from it . I loved that dog so much , " he said . I looked at Lucas completely differently . The compassion and kindness that he had wasn 't something he did voluntarily . From his story , I could tell that it was just natural for him . I smiled back at him and nodded . At that moment , it was like everything slowed down . I looked into his bright hazel eyes and saw the vulnerability . I wasn 't looking at his vulnerability , but I could see myself in the reflection of his eyes . I was looking at mine . I had never told anyone about the locket I held with me everyday . I never reached that level of connection with anyone . And yet , here I sat with a near stranger , and I just spilled information about one of my greatest possessions without much provocation from him . It was like that deal between us established a trust that would take most people years to build . We instantly had a " You give , I give " connection . It felt amazing not only to trust someone so easily , but also to be trusted by that person with the same level of ease . I felt different , almost refreshed . I could feel the changes happening inside me . The warmth I locked away so many years ago was bubbling to the surface and pushing out the cold , logical , and emotionless version of me . That was an amazing chapter . I 'm really feeling for Luke and Aaron now . Hopefully they 'll get to be better friends . . . if Aaron 's head doesn 't do him in . What a great story - so well written ! I love the way you let us in to AAron 's inner voices . . . and I could feel the connection happening - blossoming ! I am an incurable romantic - I am loving this ! ! ! Hugs ! Reply With Quote August 15th , 2009 , 09 : 00 PM That was a wonderfully warm and touching chapter . Trust like that does not come easily . I have a feeling Aaron is going to be a little more reasonable with the counselor . He has something important to relay this time . Luke has that inner connection that anyone would be happy to share . Obviously he has some of the same concerns regarding friendships that Aaron has . I like the way things are going in this story . Eager to read the next chapter . Hey guys , so this chapter is a bit shorter but I wanted to get this part out of the way as soon as possible . I think I 've allowed you all get a better feel for Aaron in this chapter and I 'm going to bring in a few subtle hints and a few not so subtle hints with the next few chapters . Enjoy Wings of A Butterfly Veronica looked at me through her black rimmed glasses as I sat in the chair across from her . I subtly looked around the room to try and get a read on her in case I needed some ammo . She offered me a glass of tea , which I reluctantly accepted . Veronica examined me for a moment , as if to check for subtle hints that could actually lead her somewhere . She picked up her cup and sipped at her tea with her eyes closed . When she opened her eyes it was like a fire had been lit in her soul . She held more energy in them , as if she found something she could use . " I believe you agreed because you value your relationship with Carly , but you 're afraid of feeling vulnerable with another human being . So you fight them every step of the way , but you still end up doing things for them . You do it so you appear to care about them , but to also tell them that you wish you didn 't , " she said . " You think you know me after talking to me twice ? Well let me tell you something , you don 't know a thing about me . So you can sit up here in your little room with all your credentials hanging up on the wall and listen to other people complain about their problems . But me , I 'm going out there . I 'm going to do something that actually matters to the world . So you can take your assumptions about me and shove them up your ass because you have no idea why I am the way that I am . " I bolted out of my seat and stormed over towards the door . She was up and at the door faster than I could reach it . She held her hand against the door as I was trying to open it and storm out of the room . She looked calmly into my eyes and somehow forced the rage that was boiling under my skin to subside . She slowly walked back to her seat . As she sat down she motioned toward the chair for me to sit back down . I turned to face her and crossed my arms . " Before you can face whatever makes you afraid of connecting with other people , you need to tell at least one person what it is , " she said , " It doesn 't have to be me , it can be anyone . But until you tell someone , you 'll always be afraid of it . You 'll keep pushing people out of your life just as you 're about to get close to them . " Defeated , I walked back over to the chair across from her . I stared directly into her dark blue eyes . There was no anger or judgment in them . There was no hostility or restraint in mine either . I couldn 't see it , but I definitely felt it . " Aaron , there is no need for an apology . What you did was a classic outburst . In a way , it made it easier to see who you really are underneath this façade you portray , " she said . She looked up at me with confusion on her face . Her lips pursed and her brow wrinkled with intense thought . I noticed her right hand start flipping her pen around her fingers , something that my Psych professor said people do when they are working something over in their mind . She paused for a second . She put down her sandwich and kept her eyes low . She placed her arms on the table across her chest . Her eyes slowly looked up into mine and examined me for a moment . " Aaron , you haven 't been involved with any girl that I know of since I met you . You haven 't given any reason to believe that you 're straight . You 've never even stated whether you were straight or not . So yeah , I can believe that she may have thought so . " I grabbed my things and walked away . The wind was blowing gently , so I decided to follow it and see where it took me . I really didn 't care . It was Friday afternoon , and two days since I last saw Lucas . Me , being the idiot that I am , forgot to get his number . And both times I knocked on his door were not answered . I was walking by the Science and Health Studies building when a door opened and nearly hit me in the face . A crowd of students flew out the door and poured into the courtyard . Politely , I held the door open and waited for every last one of them to leave the room . The last person to leave was the last person I expected it to be . I rolled my eyes and pushed his shoulder . I didn 't even know where we were walking to , but we ended up at the east parking lot . I looked around for a moment in silence while standing next to Lucas waiting for the crosswalk to turn . He smiled and walked across the street with his golden hair being brushed by the light wind . As he walked away , I noticed he was slightly limping . I pushed it into the back of my mind for now and walked off towards the corner store with a small grin on my face . Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote August 17th , 2009 , 09 : 50 AM That was a very thought provoking chapter . It 's obvious Aaron can 't always stay on his sarcastic path . The counselor broke through and Luke has as well . He 's really not a bad ass after all . Now he has to come to terms with his sexuality and I hope Luke will begin that journey with him soon . Thanks for the update and looking for the next . Thanks for the speedy update . . . if only I could crank out quality work that quickly haha . I 'm VERY excited for the next chapter and to find out what this limp was all about . More more more ! ! ! Irish I knocked on his door three times , each knock slightly lower on the door than the other . I never noticed that I did it until now . Something about Lucas made me more aware of anything I did . Even my little weird things like my knock . The pizza in my left hand was starting to make my palm sweat , or at least that 's what I convinced myself was making it sweat . He opened the door and smiled at me . I opened the box and we each grabbed a slice . I sat back down in his chair and he flopped down on his bed and ate the slice in seconds . I laughed at him and he smiled awkwardly at me . A moment of silence passed between us as we ate . His eyes were glued to the ground and I could tell he was thinking of something that he wasn 't sure about saying . After I finished my slice , I took a deep breath . " Well it got me thinking , " he said , " And I thought about it all day . I 'm not trying to pry you for information or anything , but if you want we could make another deal . You tell me something , I 'll tell you something . " Lucas sat up and sat on the edge of his bed . He stared into my eyes and somehow , I felt a little better . The pain in my chest went away and I was able to hold the tears back a little better than before . " I came home from school one day and found her unconscious in the kitchen . I called 911 but it was too late . I found my mother dead that day . " " She worked so hard for me . She worked so hard to give me a good life … " I said , " But she never thought about what would happen to me if she was gone . " That did it . The tears pushed themselves out of my eyes and I fell forward into myself . Lucas stood up and kneeled down in front of me and caught me before I collapsed . He held me and I cried on his shoulder . " Aaron , that 's ok , " he said . He pulled me away from him and looked directly into my eyes . He placed both hands firmly , but gently , on my shoulders . " She obviously didn 't want you to know until it happened , " he said , " She was probably so scared about leaving you . She probably didn 't want you to have to live every single day in fear , and then have grief on top of that feeling after she died . It 's not wrong for you to be angry , but she probably didn 't tell you because of what knowing that she was going to die would do to you . " He looked firmly into my eyes . I could see his fixation , and from that I could tell that he did genuinely care about me . In my mind , I saw myself drowning . I couldn 't keep myself afloat , even though I had people around me trying to pull me out of the water . I was just about to give up and let myself fall beneath the surface , when I felt a hand grab my arm and lift me up . I looked into the eyes of my rescuer . The bright hazel colored eyes that penetrated my soul and brought down every barrier I had built . I looked back into his eyes and felt the pain be washed away . The tears stopped and I regained my composition . I took several deep breaths and calmed myself down . I sat up straight , never looking away from Lucas ' eyes . They made me feel safe . I nodded at him , but remained silent . I didn 't know what to do now . This was the most vulnerable I 've ever felt in my life . For the first time since my mom 's funeral , I cried in front of another person . I knew he felt the tension boiling inside me , so he wrapped his arms around me again to comfort me . I got up and put the movie in and pressed play . I sat back into the chair and he moved back onto his bed . I noticed he kept looking at me as if I were about to shatter into a million pieces . He walked over to his bookshelf , and I noticed his slight limp again . He turned around smiling with the case of October Sky in his hands . I must have had a worried look on my face or something because his smile disappeared and his eyes glazed over a bit . " It 's ok , " he said , " I talked to Jonathan this morning and he told me everything . He seemed so proud of it , so I yelled at him . Then he said , ' It 's not like I raped him or anything , ' and the next thing I knew , my fist flew into his face . I knocked him on the ground and he kicked me in the hip when I leaned in to help him up . " I smiled at him and he smiled back . At that moment , I felt like we were floating in a space of nothingness . There was nothing to worry about except whether or not we were flying or falling . That 's how it was with Lucas . I could be flying or falling , and it would make no difference to me . It was a challenge to be open with him , but at the same time I felt completely safe . We watched the movie in near silence . Apparently we both loved this movie so much that we could nearly recite the script . I swear at one point I saw him mouthing some of the words . But he just blushed and looked away from me . Lucas made me feel different than my other friends did . I didn 't have to worry about what I said or how I said it . I didn 't have to worry about whether or not I stepped on his toes . I didn 't have to worry about anything really . All I had to do was be myself and let him see my vulnerable side every once in a while . * * * It was nearly 11 at night when I got back to my dorm room . Jonathan was sitting at his desk . I could see very clearly where Lucas clocked him . I couldn 't help but smirk a little about it . " Look you little shit , " I said , " I really don 't care if you do drugs . You can OD on the shit for all I care . But if you EVER slip any of my friends any drugs again without them knowing about it , I swear to God I will rip off your balls and shove em down your throat . " " Do you have any idea what I did to people like you at my high school ? " I asked , " Well it would be NOTHING compared to what I would do to you if you came within 5 feet of Henry ever again . Do you understand me ? " He nodded with fear . I released my grip on his shirt and walked away from him . I didn 't hear him move at all , but when I looked back he was opening the door to leave . Wow ! How great to see Aaron being so vulnerable in telling Luke about his mother . Trusting another person so deeply takes a lot of fortitude . Then , along with Luke , being so protective of another friend . A maturity is growing within him and it suits him well . I like that he and Luke are bonding so well . Awesome chapter , ITC . Great work , ITC ! I love how comfortable he 's becoming with Luke . I can really feel this story going somewhere great ! I also enjoyed how both of them stood up for Henry , especially Aaron who only had Luke 's word on the matter . Aw ! THAT is Fantastic ! ! This is a Good story , itc ! THANK YOU ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote Page 1 of 9

Hey guys , so as promised I 've started on a new story . I 've been tweaking it for a couple days now , and I think it 's finally ready for public eyes . I wanna give a quick thanks to everyone who read and supported Graduation . And those who didn 't , well you should go read it : Graduation The clock that hung from the wall ticked loudly through the silence as the pendulum swung from side to side . I had probably been sitting there for 3 minutes without saying a word . What could I say though ? There was nothing on my mind and she seemed stubborn enough to not be the first one to break the silence between us . " Well , it 's really nothing huge . It 's just a bunch of little things . Homework , tests , social ties … stuff like that , " I said . The woman gently uncrossed and re - crossed her legs as she took a sip of her coffee . She stared at me beneath rectangular , black - rimmed glasses as if to signal me to continue . I really didn 't know what to say . I wasn 't even here by my own choice . Stupid school requirements were forcing me to come here . Apparently , when one student kills themselves , every other student must be suicidal as well . " I don 't know . I try to remind myself that I 'm actually doing pretty well in life . I think about that girl Rachel , the one who shot herself , and I just think about how messed up things must have been for her , " I said . " Not really , no . I mean , I didn 't actually know her so her death doesn 't make me sad . But I feel compassion for the people that cared about her . I 've seen them around and they look pretty fucked up , " I said . " It 's fine . No one is going to get mad at you here . I can have a fucking dirty mouth too sometimes , " she said with a smile . I smiled back at her , but it was just a courtesy smile . I really didn 't think I belonged here . On the outside , I was just a normal college student trying his best to do well in life . On the inside , I didn 't really care about much . All over , I was just your typical everyday teenager who just wanted to fit in and be accepted . " She 's great . We 've been friends since Junior High . She brings out the best kind of person in me . When I 'm around her , I just feel so free it 's as if I could be anyone I wanted to be , " I said . " There 's Carly 's boyfriend , Mike . He 's an ok guy . I wouldn 't consider him one of my best friends , but it 's important to Carly that I like him , so I do , " I said . " Well Aaron , from what I 've gathered there is no need for you to be in therapy . You are perfectly normal in every visual way . I 'll write up a dismissal form for you to turn in at the administrator 's office on campus … unless you want to tell me something else ? " she asked . We sat down at one of the picnic tables that were scattered around the campus . Carly dug right into her food but I just sat there playing with mine with my fork . The fork got stuck and I ended up flicking an olive into the air . I eyed her expression up and down . I was trying to tell if she was pulling my leg or if she was honestly suggesting this . She noticed me studying her face and stared back at me with a raised eyebrow . " Quite possibly , but more importantly I 'm actually serious . You 're so bitter and sarcastic all the time . You never actually talk about what 's bothering you , " she said . After Carly took off to her Philosophy class , I decided to walk around campus . My thought train was on several different tracks as it always was . The first track stayed focused on what I would talk about with the counselor . Would she ask me questions again , or would I have to come up with stuff on my own ? What if I couldn 't think of anything to say ? Did it really matter ? I shook my head at the thought . It didn 't matter at all because it wasn 't necessary . It 's not like there 's anything wrong with me . What 's a psychiatrist going to tell me that I don 't already know ? Whatever , it was for Carly anyway . As long as she was content with me then I was happy . She has no need to worry about me , and this was the only way to prove it to her . My second track was thinking about Rachel . Not about her death , but who she really was . I tried to come up with a picture of what her life was like before she killed herself . The news report said her brother and three of her friends were there when she did it . They said she tried to kill one of them , but her brother stopped her . It made me think that her brother was really close to her and meant a lot to her . But why would she kill herself instead of get help ? Did she really not want to live anymore or did she feel so ashamed about what she did that her brother wouldn 't love her anymore ? It was a sad thought , but I figured anyone who is desperate enough to kill themselves if it meant the pain would stop then she was beyond help . It was a sad thought sure , but it didn 't make me sad . Her brother must have had it rough though . If I had a brother or a sister , then I would probably be able to imagine what he felt . But I didn 't , so I didn 't care very much . My third track was about all the new people moving into the dorms after what happened . There were so few people living in the dorms before that I was able to live alone , but now I was being assigned a roommate . Joy . Another person that I have to socialize with every day , just what I wanted . I finally jumped off my thought train and looked at my watch realizing that it was 1 : 30 already . I decided to head back to the dorm and wait for my new roommate . When I walked past the main Administrator 's Office , I turned the corner sharply and accidentally bumped into someone . I hit my head against theirs and fell down on my ass . He lowered his hand towards me to lift me up . I rubbed my head with my left hand as I took his extended arm with my right . He pulled me up and steadied me . As my vision refocused I was able to see his face . He had a pair of bright green eyes fixated on me while I regained my balance . I took a step forward and wobbled a little . He grabbed my shoulder and laughed a little . Once I got my balance back I laughed a little as well and shook my head . " You want me to walk with you and make sure you don 't pass out ? " he asked flashing me his bright smile . We walked across the campus together , every now and then I would stumble a little and he caught me before I tripped over myself . Each time I did it he let out a chuckle . I probably looked like a complete idiot . We were about halfway across the campus when he started talking to me randomly . I looked up at him and admired him a little . I wasn 't a very creative person , and I respected those that were . I couldn 't draw anything to save my life , but I like looking at the work of those that could . He looked at me as we stopped outside of the north dorm building . His bright hazel eyes glimmered in the light from the sun . I studied them as discretely as I could and noticed that there was a hint of gold around the edges . He smiled and revealed a set of bright white teeth that would make a dentist jealous . I didn 't know what he was smiling at , so I raised an eyebrow at him . As he walked away , I tried to study what made him tick , and what made those thoughts slip out of my mind . Even with Carly , I kept all of my sarcasm in my head so I didn 't offend her at all . There was something different about Luke that I couldn 't quite put my finger on . He was like a book full of analogies and metaphors that made my brain itch . He was confusing and yet , I felt like I understood him at the same time . The only thing I didn 't understand was that bizarre question and answer session while we were walking . Did he honestly care if I was ok even though he just met me ? That had to be it ; and that officially made him tomorrow 's problem . Today 's problem was probably already upstairs unpacking it 's shit , and I had to go meet it and make nice with it for the rest of the semester . He was probably some weak little brainiac that was so afraid of the world that he had to move in with the big boys . It 's just what I needed this semester ; to be some pathetic genius ' bodyguard . I flopped down on my bed and closed my eyes for a moment . My thoughts instantly drifted to Lucas … I mean Luke . What was his deal ? No one could be that nice to someone they just met . Fuck , now I was obsessing . I opened my eyes and rubbed the spot on my forehead where his head hit mine . Just then the door popped open and my new roommate stepped inside , followed closely by that awkward moment . I think I 'm going to like this story ! Off to a really great start . I think I have a feeling who Aaron 's new roommate is going to be BTW , I LOVED Graduation ! ! ! You have such compelling storylines and I have a feeling I won 't be disappointed with this one either . Can 't wait for more ! ! already I have noticed some parallels ! rachel killed herself in " Graduation " and also had a brother who was concerned - - same here . I 'm guessing lucas / luke is the love interest ? he has sparking green eyes ( and a killer smile ) , just like Cameron . Reply With Quote July 18th , 2009 , 10 : 56 PM Hmmm ! Haven 't read " Graduation " . . . yet ! . . . but , I 'm liking this one . . . a LOT ! PLEASE keep up the great work ! I 'm definitely looking forward to reading more of YOU ! Very interesting perspective ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote July 19th , 2009 , 01 : 16 AM How great to sign on today and see one of my favorite authors had started a new story . I like the approach this one has and as ASDF pointed out , there are the parallels with " Graduation . " Who would have thought that a tragic event such as Rachael killing herself would have such a wide effect on someone that didn 't even know her . I can tell this is going to be as brilliant a story as " Graduation " but with an entirely new cast of characters . Looking forward to a long read . already I have noticed some parallels ! rachel killed herself in " Graduation " and also had a brother who was concerned - - same here . I 'm guessing lucas / luke is the love interest ? he has sparking green eyes ( and a killer smile ) , just like Cameron . Oops looks like I overlooked something while I was editing . His eyes were supposed to be Hazel . I guess I just missed that one And I 'm glad you guys like it so far . I 'm gonna start chapter two today and hopefully be finished soon . Thanks for the support guys ! Great start ! I really enjoyed " Graduation " , I think I 'll like this story too . Looking forward to chapter 2 already ! Reply With Quote July 23rd , 2009 , 05 : 34 AM ITC this is a great beginning . Looking forward to more . I know that it will be just as fantastic as Graduation and I think you know by now that that story was the greatest . H & K " He 's ok . He 's kinda quiet though . After he unpacked he just sat at his desk playing games on his computer , " I said . Henry and I were sitting in the Student Hall on campus . The building was amazing . It had a big sitting / study area on the main floor , a library on the second floor , and a bunch of little shops , food places , and even a bowling alley in the underground area . I sat on my favorite couch in the room and Henry sat in the armchair sitting adjacent to me . I turned around and looked at the doors behind me . Jonathan was standing there looking awkwardly into the crowd for a place to sit down . I couldn 't help but feel sorry for him . He honestly looked like a guy who just needed a friend . He turned his head and saw me staring at him , so I gave a kind of half wave at him . He looked away instantly and walked towards the stairs . Jonathan stopped dead in his tracks . He looked over at us and saw Henry waving him over to our area . I could see his hesitation and smell his fear from where I was sitting . I nodded at him when he turned his dark brown eyes to me . After a moment of awkward pause , he shifted his feet and walked slowly over to us . I found myself hating him a little bit . Not because he was so awkward , but because he didn 't seem to even want a social life . It was as if he was battling with himself on the inside , and I couldn 't tell if he was winning or losing . He was very difficult to read and for that , I couldn 't help but hate him . No one has been able to hide themselves from me for very long , but this kid was actually giving me a challenge . As he sat down on the opposite end of the couch I was sitting on , there was an awkward moment of silence between us . I gave a quick stink eye at him when he sat on my couch , but hid it before he or Henry could see it . I turned my attention to my laptop which had the website , Fmylife open . Henry noticed my shift in focus and started talking to Jonathan . Tuning out their conversation , I retreated into my thoughts . I nodded at appropriate times and feigned interest like I always did . To be honest , the conversations about this Rachel girl were getting repetitive . Someone who had minimal interaction with her would find someone else who had even less interaction with her and express what a " shock " it was when it happened . I was a little surprised when my thoughts crossed over the pain in my forehead , and suddenly all I could think of was Lucas . He perplexed me . He seemed to genuinely care about my wellbeing , but yet he didn 't ask for my number or ask to walk me up to my room or whatever . I concluded on the thought that he really didn 't care , and that he was just making sure I didn 't want to sue him or anything . My thoughts were interrupted by Henry 's voice . * * * Walking into the club , I heard the sounds of my favorite band , Paramore . Carly immediately began dancing to the tune of Crushcrushcrush as we were walking down the stairs to the main floor of the club . She flung her dark brown hair around in sync with the beat of the song and she pulled Mike out to the dance floor . Henry and I sat at the bar and saw Jonathan walking down the stairs . He was closely followed by Lucas and his eyes magnetically stuck to mine from across the room . I saw a smile creep across his face . He and Jonathan made their way over to the bar , but our eyes never separated . His were full of amusement , while mine were filled with annoyance . I gave him a glare and he burst into laughter . Jonathan and Henry broke off and started chatting while Lucas and I had a couple drinks . Lucas and I just sat at the bar talking about the music they were playing . I sat there stunned for a moment . No way were he and I in the same place at the same time worshiping the same band . I must have been staring for a few minutes because he broke me out of my trance by waving his hand in my face . We sat there as the final line of a song neither of us was paying attention to finished . Eagerly awaiting the next song to play , I looked around and noticed that everyone else was gone . The DJ shut off the sound system and the bartender told us they were closing in a few minutes . We stared at each other with wide eyes and disbelief . He got off his stool and motioned towards the staircase . I wiped my hands on my jeans and walked past him up the stairs . The cool , crisp air outside felt refreshing after being inside for God knows how long . I stretched a bit as Lucas emerged out of the stairway and chuckled at me . He smiled at me and I smiled back . It was then that I realized that I was doing exactly what I didn 't want to do . Acting on instinct , my mind took over and I broke this moment between us . I tried desperately to think of a rational excuse to keep from walking back with him , but failed miserably . I just nodded and walked beside him , not saying a word the whole mile and a half to the dorm . He tried to talk to me , but I made it very clear that I was " too tired to think " so he gave up after the third avoided question . We walked up the stairs of the dorm building and stood outside my room for a moment . Lucas burst into laughter that carried across the courtyard . We walked into the other dorm building and up the stairs to the third floor where Lucas ' room was . This building was much younger and nicer than the one I was living in . We walked into the room and my jaw nearly fell off when I saw the interior . It was at least twice as big as my room , and he didn 't even have a roommate . I went into the bathroom to take a piss and change and I came out to see him already under his covers . I walked softly over to the bed and sat down on it . As usual , I went over the day 's events in my head as a way of cataloguing any significance in any moment . I stopped at the brief moment between Lucas and I outside the club and couldn 't decide if that was significant . Without thinking , I blurted out a question to Lucas . I turned over and lay down on the bed . I stared at the ceiling and kept thinking about that exchange of smiles . As much as I disliked the idea , I had found a new friend in Lucas Harper . That wasn 't what was bothering me though . The issue I was bumping up against was whether or not I would drive him away . He was so different from the people I was friends with . Carly and Henry were just as closed of as I was … I mean am . But Lucas has a warming quality that I was afraid of breaking . I turned over , facing away from Lucas , and started drifting off to sleep . I could hear him lightly snoring from his bed behind me , and for the first time in a while , I let out a genuine laugh . It wasn 't forced or fake . And that 's when I realized that I actually liked Lucas . I was friends with Henry because we were in the same social group and had similar taste in music . I was friends with Carly because we 've been together nearly since birth . And right now , I couldn 't really tell if I actually liked either of them . THANK YOU ! , itc ! Excellent ! Been waiting for this 2nd chapter , and , in the mean time , read " Graduation " ! Now I understand the " tie in " here . Fantastic ! ! I 'm truly enjoying your writing style ! And , especially appreciate your including Aaron 's " inner conversation " with himself . Definitely looking forward to more ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote August 10th , 2009 , 11 : 44 AM Happy to see an addition to the story . I am certain Aaron and Lucas are going to be very good friends . . . . . . . . . . . . hopefully more . Like Littletosay , I wonder if Henry and Jonathan are getting to know each other . . . lol Great chapter ITC ! I felt the vibrations of my phone beneath my pillow . It was just loud enough to wake me , but not enough to stir Lucas out of his sleep . I slowly and quietly changed clothes and left his room . The sun was barely coming up and all I could think of was how much I missed my mother . I clutched the locket that hid beneath my shirt as my breathing became heavy with grief . I looked away from the sunrise and just walked around for a little while . I felt bad for leaving Lucas like that , but it was pointless for me to let myself get close to someone else . I listened to the voice in my head telling me that I had enough . Any more than what I already have would just make things harder . I would have just left it at that , but then I heard a voice I hadn 't heard in a long time . There was a name I hadn 't thought of in years . He was a lot like Lucas , or at least what I 've witnessed from Lucas so far . We complemented each other like cheese and macaroni . Everyone thought we were twins because between the two of us , we knew everything . We were like two halves of an apple . At least , until his dad 's company relocated his family to a small town three states away . That was about two years before I met Henry . If it weren 't for Carly I wouldn 't have even had Henry . But life has been hard enough since then , I don 't need someone else who I am certain will cause me pain one day . The argument in my mind subsided as I once again listened to my negativity and decided that Lucas was too good for me to even try to be his friend . I passed through the doors of my dorm building and saw Henry laying on one of the couches in the lounge . He looked totally smashed from last night . I walked up to him and flicked his ear . When I got him up to his dorm room , I went back downstairs to mine to see if Jonathan was still there . I looked at my watch and it was now 7 : 30 a . m . I poked my head into the room and saw that no one was inside . It reeked of sex so I grabbed the air freshener and just blasted it around the room . I sat on my bed and dropped my head into my hands for a moment . I actually didn 't know Henry as well as I thought . He could have done it himself , but I didn 't want to believe it . I especially didn 't want to because it was our usually breakfast day . It was the only morning the three of us had off at the same time , so we went to the local IHOP and caught up with the week 's events . I shoved my sausages into my mouth and listened to Carly drone on about her and Mike . I honestly couldn 't care less , but as usual I feigned interest and kept any conflict to a minimum . At any second I expected my thoughts to drift away from Carly incessant yammering . And there it was . I forgot my wallet . I don 't even remember where I put it . I felt around all my pockets and nothing . Thankfully it was Carly 's day to pay so I didn 't have to worry as much . * * * I sat down in my chair near the door and planted my face in my arms . I absolutely hated this class . Well , more the professor than the class . He and I were total opposites and we viewed the world completely differently . We constantly argued about the " meaning " of everything since I just believe that the world is in constant chaos and things just happen . We never agreed on anything and being the asshole I am , I always had to argue my point until both of us gave up , or he kicked me out of the class . He walked away towards the back of the room . I saw him sit down in the back row and felt a rush of guilt overwhelm me . I got up and went to sit next to him . " I just assigned a report . You partner up with someone you don 't know or barely know and study them . Then you write a full report about why you think they are the way they are , " he said . I looked at Lucas and he looked back at me . A smile began to penetrate the stern look on his face that he was holding for so long , but he quickly stopped it . I held up my hand to ask a question and Robbins took a deep breath . I smiled when he turned away . I don 't know what made me feel better , freaking out the entire class , or having an academic reason to be friends with Lucas . I turned to Lucas with the smile still on my face and saw the shock on his . He stared at me in disbelief as I chuckled at everyone 's confusion . When class was dismissed , Lucas and I walked towards the parking lot together . There was silence between us that I wanted him to be the one to break . I wanted to think of something to say , but my mind was running on empty . " I 'm sorry , I really can 't . I promised Carly I 'd go see that counselor again . I have to go around 6 : 30 . " I said . I was . The first genuine smile on my face in two years , and Lucas was causing it . I had no idea what that actually meant . I just knew that I wanted to be around Lucas as much as I possibly could . We sat down at one of the tables outside . The light breeze swept through the little junction of stores . Lucas jumped face first into his sandwich while I slowly picked at my pasta . " Ok , " I said pulling the small locket out from under my shirt collar , " This locket belonged to my mother . She bought it one day when we went to Sea World . She always loved dolphins and when she saw this … she said it was the third time in her life that she was absolutely certain about something she wanted . " " I found it one day shortly before I left for school , and I put a picture of her in it . I wear it everyday to remind myself that what I 'm doing is important for me . No matter how far away I am , when I 'm wearing this locket I feel like I 'm right where I belong . " " Alright well , when I was a kid I always wanted to have a dog . My neighbor had a Doberman puppy and I was absolutely in love with it . But my dad was crazy allergic to dog hair , so we couldn 't have one , " he said . " Yeah … so anyway , when I was like 8 or 9 , my dad had a business trip up in Lake Tahoe , so my parents decided to just make it into a family vacation since it was during the summer . My mom and I were walking down a little junction of stores and I walked by this toy store . I looked in the window and saw this little Doberman Beanie Baby , " he said . " I know , I know , guys and Beanie Babies just don 't really mix , but I was just a kid . I begged my mom for like 20 minutes to buy it for me until she was finally convinced that it would keep me from begging for a real dog . As soon as I got it in my arms , I was never apart from it . I loved that dog so much , " he said . I looked at Lucas completely differently . The compassion and kindness that he had wasn 't something he did voluntarily . From his story , I could tell that it was just natural for him . I smiled back at him and nodded . At that moment , it was like everything slowed down . I looked into his bright hazel eyes and saw the vulnerability . I wasn 't looking at his vulnerability , but I could see myself in the reflection of his eyes . I was looking at mine . I had never told anyone about the locket I held with me everyday . I never reached that level of connection with anyone . And yet , here I sat with a near stranger , and I just spilled information about one of my greatest possessions without much provocation from him . It was like that deal between us established a trust that would take most people years to build . We instantly had a " You give , I give " connection . It felt amazing not only to trust someone so easily , but also to be trusted by that person with the same level of ease . I felt different , almost refreshed . I could feel the changes happening inside me . The warmth I locked away so many years ago was bubbling to the surface and pushing out the cold , logical , and emotionless version of me . That was an amazing chapter . I 'm really feeling for Luke and Aaron now . Hopefully they 'll get to be better friends . . . if Aaron 's head doesn 't do him in . What a great story - so well written ! I love the way you let us in to AAron 's inner voices . . . and I could feel the connection happening - blossoming ! I am an incurable romantic - I am loving this ! ! ! Hugs ! Reply With Quote August 15th , 2009 , 09 : 00 PM That was a wonderfully warm and touching chapter . Trust like that does not come easily . I have a feeling Aaron is going to be a little more reasonable with the counselor . He has something important to relay this time . Luke has that inner connection that anyone would be happy to share . Obviously he has some of the same concerns regarding friendships that Aaron has . I like the way things are going in this story . Eager to read the next chapter . Hey guys , so this chapter is a bit shorter but I wanted to get this part out of the way as soon as possible . I think I 've allowed you all get a better feel for Aaron in this chapter and I 'm going to bring in a few subtle hints and a few not so subtle hints with the next few chapters . Enjoy Wings of A Butterfly Veronica looked at me through her black rimmed glasses as I sat in the chair across from her . I subtly looked around the room to try and get a read on her in case I needed some ammo . She offered me a glass of tea , which I reluctantly accepted . Veronica examined me for a moment , as if to check for subtle hints that could actually lead her somewhere . She picked up her cup and sipped at her tea with her eyes closed . When she opened her eyes it was like a fire had been lit in her soul . She held more energy in them , as if she found something she could use . " I believe you agreed because you value your relationship with Carly , but you 're afraid of feeling vulnerable with another human being . So you fight them every step of the way , but you still end up doing things for them . You do it so you appear to care about them , but to also tell them that you wish you didn 't , " she said . " You think you know me after talking to me twice ? Well let me tell you something , you don 't know a thing about me . So you can sit up here in your little room with all your credentials hanging up on the wall and listen to other people complain about their problems . But me , I 'm going out there . I 'm going to do something that actually matters to the world . So you can take your assumptions about me and shove them up your ass because you have no idea why I am the way that I am . " I bolted out of my seat and stormed over towards the door . She was up and at the door faster than I could reach it . She held her hand against the door as I was trying to open it and storm out of the room . She looked calmly into my eyes and somehow forced the rage that was boiling under my skin to subside . She slowly walked back to her seat . As she sat down she motioned toward the chair for me to sit back down . I turned to face her and crossed my arms . " Before you can face whatever makes you afraid of connecting with other people , you need to tell at least one person what it is , " she said , " It doesn 't have to be me , it can be anyone . But until you tell someone , you 'll always be afraid of it . You 'll keep pushing people out of your life just as you 're about to get close to them . " Defeated , I walked back over to the chair across from her . I stared directly into her dark blue eyes . There was no anger or judgment in them . There was no hostility or restraint in mine either . I couldn 't see it , but I definitely felt it . " Aaron , there is no need for an apology . What you did was a classic outburst . In a way , it made it easier to see who you really are underneath this façade you portray , " she said . She looked up at me with confusion on her face . Her lips pursed and her brow wrinkled with intense thought . I noticed her right hand start flipping her pen around her fingers , something that my Psych professor said people do when they are working something over in their mind . She paused for a second . She put down her sandwich and kept her eyes low . She placed her arms on the table across her chest . Her eyes slowly looked up into mine and examined me for a moment . " Aaron , you haven 't been involved with any girl that I know of since I met you . You haven 't given any reason to believe that you 're straight . You 've never even stated whether you were straight or not . So yeah , I can believe that she may have thought so . " I grabbed my things and walked away . The wind was blowing gently , so I decided to follow it and see where it took me . I really didn 't care . It was Friday afternoon , and two days since I last saw Lucas . Me , being the idiot that I am , forgot to get his number . And both times I knocked on his door were not answered . I was walking by the Science and Health Studies building when a door opened and nearly hit me in the face . A crowd of students flew out the door and poured into the courtyard . Politely , I held the door open and waited for every last one of them to leave the room . The last person to leave was the last person I expected it to be . I rolled my eyes and pushed his shoulder . I didn 't even know where we were walking to , but we ended up at the east parking lot . I looked around for a moment in silence while standing next to Lucas waiting for the crosswalk to turn . He smiled and walked across the street with his golden hair being brushed by the light wind . As he walked away , I noticed he was slightly limping . I pushed it into the back of my mind for now and walked off towards the corner store with a small grin on my face . Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote August 17th , 2009 , 09 : 50 AM That was a very thought provoking chapter . It 's obvious Aaron can 't always stay on his sarcastic path . The counselor broke through and Luke has as well . He 's really not a bad ass after all . Now he has to come to terms with his sexuality and I hope Luke will begin that journey with him soon . Thanks for the update and looking for the next . Thanks for the speedy update . . . if only I could crank out quality work that quickly haha . I 'm VERY excited for the next chapter and to find out what this limp was all about . More more more ! ! ! Irish I knocked on his door three times , each knock slightly lower on the door than the other . I never noticed that I did it until now . Something about Lucas made me more aware of anything I did . Even my little weird things like my knock . The pizza in my left hand was starting to make my palm sweat , or at least that 's what I convinced myself was making it sweat . He opened the door and smiled at me . I opened the box and we each grabbed a slice . I sat back down in his chair and he flopped down on his bed and ate the slice in seconds . I laughed at him and he smiled awkwardly at me . A moment of silence passed between us as we ate . His eyes were glued to the ground and I could tell he was thinking of something that he wasn 't sure about saying . After I finished my slice , I took a deep breath . " Well it got me thinking , " he said , " And I thought about it all day . I 'm not trying to pry you for information or anything , but if you want we could make another deal . You tell me something , I 'll tell you something . " Lucas sat up and sat on the edge of his bed . He stared into my eyes and somehow , I felt a little better . The pain in my chest went away and I was able to hold the tears back a little better than before . " I came home from school one day and found her unconscious in the kitchen . I called 911 but it was too late . I found my mother dead that day . " " She worked so hard for me . She worked so hard to give me a good life … " I said , " But she never thought about what would happen to me if she was gone . " That did it . The tears pushed themselves out of my eyes and I fell forward into myself . Lucas stood up and kneeled down in front of me and caught me before I collapsed . He held me and I cried on his shoulder . " Aaron , that 's ok , " he said . He pulled me away from him and looked directly into my eyes . He placed both hands firmly , but gently , on my shoulders . " She obviously didn 't want you to know until it happened , " he said , " She was probably so scared about leaving you . She probably didn 't want you to have to live every single day in fear , and then have grief on top of that feeling after she died . It 's not wrong for you to be angry , but she probably didn 't tell you because of what knowing that she was going to die would do to you . " He looked firmly into my eyes . I could see his fixation , and from that I could tell that he did genuinely care about me . In my mind , I saw myself drowning . I couldn 't keep myself afloat , even though I had people around me trying to pull me out of the water . I was just about to give up and let myself fall beneath the surface , when I felt a hand grab my arm and lift me up . I looked into the eyes of my rescuer . The bright hazel colored eyes that penetrated my soul and brought down every barrier I had built . I looked back into his eyes and felt the pain be washed away . The tears stopped and I regained my composition . I took several deep breaths and calmed myself down . I sat up straight , never looking away from Lucas ' eyes . They made me feel safe . I nodded at him , but remained silent . I didn 't know what to do now . This was the most vulnerable I 've ever felt in my life . For the first time since my mom 's funeral , I cried in front of another person . I knew he felt the tension boiling inside me , so he wrapped his arms around me again to comfort me . I got up and put the movie in and pressed play . I sat back into the chair and he moved back onto his bed . I noticed he kept looking at me as if I were about to shatter into a million pieces . He walked over to his bookshelf , and I noticed his slight limp again . He turned around smiling with the case of October Sky in his hands . I must have had a worried look on my face or something because his smile disappeared and his eyes glazed over a bit . " It 's ok , " he said , " I talked to Jonathan this morning and he told me everything . He seemed so proud of it , so I yelled at him . Then he said , ' It 's not like I raped him or anything , ' and the next thing I knew , my fist flew into his face . I knocked him on the ground and he kicked me in the hip when I leaned in to help him up . " I smiled at him and he smiled back . At that moment , I felt like we were floating in a space of nothingness . There was nothing to worry about except whether or not we were flying or falling . That 's how it was with Lucas . I could be flying or falling , and it would make no difference to me . It was a challenge to be open with him , but at the same time I felt completely safe . We watched the movie in near silence . Apparently we both loved this movie so much that we could nearly recite the script . I swear at one point I saw him mouthing some of the words . But he just blushed and looked away from me . Lucas made me feel different than my other friends did . I didn 't have to worry about what I said or how I said it . I didn 't have to worry about whether or not I stepped on his toes . I didn 't have to worry about anything really . All I had to do was be myself and let him see my vulnerable side every once in a while . * * * It was nearly 11 at night when I got back to my dorm room . Jonathan was sitting at his desk . I could see very clearly where Lucas clocked him . I couldn 't help but smirk a little about it . " Look you little shit , " I said , " I really don 't care if you do drugs . You can OD on the shit for all I care . But if you EVER slip any of my friends any drugs again without them knowing about it , I swear to God I will rip off your balls and shove em down your throat . " " Do you have any idea what I did to people like you at my high school ? " I asked , " Well it would be NOTHING compared to what I would do to you if you came within 5 feet of Henry ever again . Do you understand me ? " He nodded with fear . I released my grip on his shirt and walked away from him . I didn 't hear him move at all , but when I looked back he was opening the door to leave . Wow ! How great to see Aaron being so vulnerable in telling Luke about his mother . Trusting another person so deeply takes a lot of fortitude . Then , along with Luke , being so protective of another friend . A maturity is growing within him and it suits him well . I like that he and Luke are bonding so well . Awesome chapter , ITC . Great work , ITC ! I love how comfortable he 's becoming with Luke . I can really feel this story going somewhere great ! I also enjoyed how both of them stood up for Henry , especially Aaron who only had Luke 's word on the matter . Aw ! THAT is Fantastic ! ! This is a Good story , itc ! THANK YOU ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote Page 1 of 9

Hey guys , so as promised I 've started on a new story . I 've been tweaking it for a couple days now , and I think it 's finally ready for public eyes . I wanna give a quick thanks to everyone who read and supported Graduation . And those who didn 't , well you should go read it : Graduation The clock that hung from the wall ticked loudly through the silence as the pendulum swung from side to side . I had probably been sitting there for 3 minutes without saying a word . What could I say though ? There was nothing on my mind and she seemed stubborn enough to not be the first one to break the silence between us . " Well , it 's really nothing huge . It 's just a bunch of little things . Homework , tests , social ties … stuff like that , " I said . The woman gently uncrossed and re - crossed her legs as she took a sip of her coffee . She stared at me beneath rectangular , black - rimmed glasses as if to signal me to continue . I really didn 't know what to say . I wasn 't even here by my own choice . Stupid school requirements were forcing me to come here . Apparently , when one student kills themselves , every other student must be suicidal as well . " I don 't know . I try to remind myself that I 'm actually doing pretty well in life . I think about that girl Rachel , the one who shot herself , and I just think about how messed up things must have been for her , " I said . " Not really , no . I mean , I didn 't actually know her so her death doesn 't make me sad . But I feel compassion for the people that cared about her . I 've seen them around and they look pretty fucked up , " I said . " It 's fine . No one is going to get mad at you here . I can have a fucking dirty mouth too sometimes , " she said with a smile . I smiled back at her , but it was just a courtesy smile . I really didn 't think I belonged here . On the outside , I was just a normal college student trying his best to do well in life . On the inside , I didn 't really care about much . All over , I was just your typical everyday teenager who just wanted to fit in and be accepted . " She 's great . We 've been friends since Junior High . She brings out the best kind of person in me . When I 'm around her , I just feel so free it 's as if I could be anyone I wanted to be , " I said . " There 's Carly 's boyfriend , Mike . He 's an ok guy . I wouldn 't consider him one of my best friends , but it 's important to Carly that I like him , so I do , " I said . " Well Aaron , from what I 've gathered there is no need for you to be in therapy . You are perfectly normal in every visual way . I 'll write up a dismissal form for you to turn in at the administrator 's office on campus … unless you want to tell me something else ? " she asked . We sat down at one of the picnic tables that were scattered around the campus . Carly dug right into her food but I just sat there playing with mine with my fork . The fork got stuck and I ended up flicking an olive into the air . I eyed her expression up and down . I was trying to tell if she was pulling my leg or if she was honestly suggesting this . She noticed me studying her face and stared back at me with a raised eyebrow . " Quite possibly , but more importantly I 'm actually serious . You 're so bitter and sarcastic all the time . You never actually talk about what 's bothering you , " she said . After Carly took off to her Philosophy class , I decided to walk around campus . My thought train was on several different tracks as it always was . The first track stayed focused on what I would talk about with the counselor . Would she ask me questions again , or would I have to come up with stuff on my own ? What if I couldn 't think of anything to say ? Did it really matter ? I shook my head at the thought . It didn 't matter at all because it wasn 't necessary . It 's not like there 's anything wrong with me . What 's a psychiatrist going to tell me that I don 't already know ? Whatever , it was for Carly anyway . As long as she was content with me then I was happy . She has no need to worry about me , and this was the only way to prove it to her . My second track was thinking about Rachel . Not about her death , but who she really was . I tried to come up with a picture of what her life was like before she killed herself . The news report said her brother and three of her friends were there when she did it . They said she tried to kill one of them , but her brother stopped her . It made me think that her brother was really close to her and meant a lot to her . But why would she kill herself instead of get help ? Did she really not want to live anymore or did she feel so ashamed about what she did that her brother wouldn 't love her anymore ? It was a sad thought , but I figured anyone who is desperate enough to kill themselves if it meant the pain would stop then she was beyond help . It was a sad thought sure , but it didn 't make me sad . Her brother must have had it rough though . If I had a brother or a sister , then I would probably be able to imagine what he felt . But I didn 't , so I didn 't care very much . My third track was about all the new people moving into the dorms after what happened . There were so few people living in the dorms before that I was able to live alone , but now I was being assigned a roommate . Joy . Another person that I have to socialize with every day , just what I wanted . I finally jumped off my thought train and looked at my watch realizing that it was 1 : 30 already . I decided to head back to the dorm and wait for my new roommate . When I walked past the main Administrator 's Office , I turned the corner sharply and accidentally bumped into someone . I hit my head against theirs and fell down on my ass . He lowered his hand towards me to lift me up . I rubbed my head with my left hand as I took his extended arm with my right . He pulled me up and steadied me . As my vision refocused I was able to see his face . He had a pair of bright green eyes fixated on me while I regained my balance . I took a step forward and wobbled a little . He grabbed my shoulder and laughed a little . Once I got my balance back I laughed a little as well and shook my head . " You want me to walk with you and make sure you don 't pass out ? " he asked flashing me his bright smile . We walked across the campus together , every now and then I would stumble a little and he caught me before I tripped over myself . Each time I did it he let out a chuckle . I probably looked like a complete idiot . We were about halfway across the campus when he started talking to me randomly . I looked up at him and admired him a little . I wasn 't a very creative person , and I respected those that were . I couldn 't draw anything to save my life , but I like looking at the work of those that could . He looked at me as we stopped outside of the north dorm building . His bright hazel eyes glimmered in the light from the sun . I studied them as discretely as I could and noticed that there was a hint of gold around the edges . He smiled and revealed a set of bright white teeth that would make a dentist jealous . I didn 't know what he was smiling at , so I raised an eyebrow at him . As he walked away , I tried to study what made him tick , and what made those thoughts slip out of my mind . Even with Carly , I kept all of my sarcasm in my head so I didn 't offend her at all . There was something different about Luke that I couldn 't quite put my finger on . He was like a book full of analogies and metaphors that made my brain itch . He was confusing and yet , I felt like I understood him at the same time . The only thing I didn 't understand was that bizarre question and answer session while we were walking . Did he honestly care if I was ok even though he just met me ? That had to be it ; and that officially made him tomorrow 's problem . Today 's problem was probably already upstairs unpacking it 's shit , and I had to go meet it and make nice with it for the rest of the semester . He was probably some weak little brainiac that was so afraid of the world that he had to move in with the big boys . It 's just what I needed this semester ; to be some pathetic genius ' bodyguard . I flopped down on my bed and closed my eyes for a moment . My thoughts instantly drifted to Lucas … I mean Luke . What was his deal ? No one could be that nice to someone they just met . Fuck , now I was obsessing . I opened my eyes and rubbed the spot on my forehead where his head hit mine . Just then the door popped open and my new roommate stepped inside , followed closely by that awkward moment . I think I 'm going to like this story ! Off to a really great start . I think I have a feeling who Aaron 's new roommate is going to be BTW , I LOVED Graduation ! ! ! You have such compelling storylines and I have a feeling I won 't be disappointed with this one either . Can 't wait for more ! ! already I have noticed some parallels ! rachel killed herself in " Graduation " and also had a brother who was concerned - - same here . I 'm guessing lucas / luke is the love interest ? he has sparking green eyes ( and a killer smile ) , just like Cameron . Reply With Quote July 18th , 2009 , 10 : 56 PM Hmmm ! Haven 't read " Graduation " . . . yet ! . . . but , I 'm liking this one . . . a LOT ! PLEASE keep up the great work ! I 'm definitely looking forward to reading more of YOU ! Very interesting perspective ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote July 19th , 2009 , 01 : 16 AM How great to sign on today and see one of my favorite authors had started a new story . I like the approach this one has and as ASDF pointed out , there are the parallels with " Graduation . " Who would have thought that a tragic event such as Rachael killing herself would have such a wide effect on someone that didn 't even know her . I can tell this is going to be as brilliant a story as " Graduation " but with an entirely new cast of characters . Looking forward to a long read . already I have noticed some parallels ! rachel killed herself in " Graduation " and also had a brother who was concerned - - same here . I 'm guessing lucas / luke is the love interest ? he has sparking green eyes ( and a killer smile ) , just like Cameron . Oops looks like I overlooked something while I was editing . His eyes were supposed to be Hazel . I guess I just missed that one And I 'm glad you guys like it so far . I 'm gonna start chapter two today and hopefully be finished soon . Thanks for the support guys ! Great start ! I really enjoyed " Graduation " , I think I 'll like this story too . Looking forward to chapter 2 already ! Reply With Quote July 23rd , 2009 , 05 : 34 AM ITC this is a great beginning . Looking forward to more . I know that it will be just as fantastic as Graduation and I think you know by now that that story was the greatest . H & K " He 's ok . He 's kinda quiet though . After he unpacked he just sat at his desk playing games on his computer , " I said . Henry and I were sitting in the Student Hall on campus . The building was amazing . It had a big sitting / study area on the main floor , a library on the second floor , and a bunch of little shops , food places , and even a bowling alley in the underground area . I sat on my favorite couch in the room and Henry sat in the armchair sitting adjacent to me . I turned around and looked at the doors behind me . Jonathan was standing there looking awkwardly into the crowd for a place to sit down . I couldn 't help but feel sorry for him . He honestly looked like a guy who just needed a friend . He turned his head and saw me staring at him , so I gave a kind of half wave at him . He looked away instantly and walked towards the stairs . Jonathan stopped dead in his tracks . He looked over at us and saw Henry waving him over to our area . I could see his hesitation and smell his fear from where I was sitting . I nodded at him when he turned his dark brown eyes to me . After a moment of awkward pause , he shifted his feet and walked slowly over to us . I found myself hating him a little bit . Not because he was so awkward , but because he didn 't seem to even want a social life . It was as if he was battling with himself on the inside , and I couldn 't tell if he was winning or losing . He was very difficult to read and for that , I couldn 't help but hate him . No one has been able to hide themselves from me for very long , but this kid was actually giving me a challenge . As he sat down on the opposite end of the couch I was sitting on , there was an awkward moment of silence between us . I gave a quick stink eye at him when he sat on my couch , but hid it before he or Henry could see it . I turned my attention to my laptop which had the website , Fmylife open . Henry noticed my shift in focus and started talking to Jonathan . Tuning out their conversation , I retreated into my thoughts . I nodded at appropriate times and feigned interest like I always did . To be honest , the conversations about this Rachel girl were getting repetitive . Someone who had minimal interaction with her would find someone else who had even less interaction with her and express what a " shock " it was when it happened . I was a little surprised when my thoughts crossed over the pain in my forehead , and suddenly all I could think of was Lucas . He perplexed me . He seemed to genuinely care about my wellbeing , but yet he didn 't ask for my number or ask to walk me up to my room or whatever . I concluded on the thought that he really didn 't care , and that he was just making sure I didn 't want to sue him or anything . My thoughts were interrupted by Henry 's voice . * * * Walking into the club , I heard the sounds of my favorite band , Paramore . Carly immediately began dancing to the tune of Crushcrushcrush as we were walking down the stairs to the main floor of the club . She flung her dark brown hair around in sync with the beat of the song and she pulled Mike out to the dance floor . Henry and I sat at the bar and saw Jonathan walking down the stairs . He was closely followed by Lucas and his eyes magnetically stuck to mine from across the room . I saw a smile creep across his face . He and Jonathan made their way over to the bar , but our eyes never separated . His were full of amusement , while mine were filled with annoyance . I gave him a glare and he burst into laughter . Jonathan and Henry broke off and started chatting while Lucas and I had a couple drinks . Lucas and I just sat at the bar talking about the music they were playing . I sat there stunned for a moment . No way were he and I in the same place at the same time worshiping the same band . I must have been staring for a few minutes because he broke me out of my trance by waving his hand in my face . We sat there as the final line of a song neither of us was paying attention to finished . Eagerly awaiting the next song to play , I looked around and noticed that everyone else was gone . The DJ shut off the sound system and the bartender told us they were closing in a few minutes . We stared at each other with wide eyes and disbelief . He got off his stool and motioned towards the staircase . I wiped my hands on my jeans and walked past him up the stairs . The cool , crisp air outside felt refreshing after being inside for God knows how long . I stretched a bit as Lucas emerged out of the stairway and chuckled at me . He smiled at me and I smiled back . It was then that I realized that I was doing exactly what I didn 't want to do . Acting on instinct , my mind took over and I broke this moment between us . I tried desperately to think of a rational excuse to keep from walking back with him , but failed miserably . I just nodded and walked beside him , not saying a word the whole mile and a half to the dorm . He tried to talk to me , but I made it very clear that I was " too tired to think " so he gave up after the third avoided question . We walked up the stairs of the dorm building and stood outside my room for a moment . Lucas burst into laughter that carried across the courtyard . We walked into the other dorm building and up the stairs to the third floor where Lucas ' room was . This building was much younger and nicer than the one I was living in . We walked into the room and my jaw nearly fell off when I saw the interior . It was at least twice as big as my room , and he didn 't even have a roommate . I went into the bathroom to take a piss and change and I came out to see him already under his covers . I walked softly over to the bed and sat down on it . As usual , I went over the day 's events in my head as a way of cataloguing any significance in any moment . I stopped at the brief moment between Lucas and I outside the club and couldn 't decide if that was significant . Without thinking , I blurted out a question to Lucas . I turned over and lay down on the bed . I stared at the ceiling and kept thinking about that exchange of smiles . As much as I disliked the idea , I had found a new friend in Lucas Harper . That wasn 't what was bothering me though . The issue I was bumping up against was whether or not I would drive him away . He was so different from the people I was friends with . Carly and Henry were just as closed of as I was … I mean am . But Lucas has a warming quality that I was afraid of breaking . I turned over , facing away from Lucas , and started drifting off to sleep . I could hear him lightly snoring from his bed behind me , and for the first time in a while , I let out a genuine laugh . It wasn 't forced or fake . And that 's when I realized that I actually liked Lucas . I was friends with Henry because we were in the same social group and had similar taste in music . I was friends with Carly because we 've been together nearly since birth . And right now , I couldn 't really tell if I actually liked either of them . THANK YOU ! , itc ! Excellent ! Been waiting for this 2nd chapter , and , in the mean time , read " Graduation " ! Now I understand the " tie in " here . Fantastic ! ! I 'm truly enjoying your writing style ! And , especially appreciate your including Aaron 's " inner conversation " with himself . Definitely looking forward to more ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote August 10th , 2009 , 11 : 44 AM Happy to see an addition to the story . I am certain Aaron and Lucas are going to be very good friends . . . . . . . . . . . . hopefully more . Like Littletosay , I wonder if Henry and Jonathan are getting to know each other . . . lol Great chapter ITC ! I felt the vibrations of my phone beneath my pillow . It was just loud enough to wake me , but not enough to stir Lucas out of his sleep . I slowly and quietly changed clothes and left his room . The sun was barely coming up and all I could think of was how much I missed my mother . I clutched the locket that hid beneath my shirt as my breathing became heavy with grief . I looked away from the sunrise and just walked around for a little while . I felt bad for leaving Lucas like that , but it was pointless for me to let myself get close to someone else . I listened to the voice in my head telling me that I had enough . Any more than what I already have would just make things harder . I would have just left it at that , but then I heard a voice I hadn 't heard in a long time . There was a name I hadn 't thought of in years . He was a lot like Lucas , or at least what I 've witnessed from Lucas so far . We complemented each other like cheese and macaroni . Everyone thought we were twins because between the two of us , we knew everything . We were like two halves of an apple . At least , until his dad 's company relocated his family to a small town three states away . That was about two years before I met Henry . If it weren 't for Carly I wouldn 't have even had Henry . But life has been hard enough since then , I don 't need someone else who I am certain will cause me pain one day . The argument in my mind subsided as I once again listened to my negativity and decided that Lucas was too good for me to even try to be his friend . I passed through the doors of my dorm building and saw Henry laying on one of the couches in the lounge . He looked totally smashed from last night . I walked up to him and flicked his ear . When I got him up to his dorm room , I went back downstairs to mine to see if Jonathan was still there . I looked at my watch and it was now 7 : 30 a . m . I poked my head into the room and saw that no one was inside . It reeked of sex so I grabbed the air freshener and just blasted it around the room . I sat on my bed and dropped my head into my hands for a moment . I actually didn 't know Henry as well as I thought . He could have done it himself , but I didn 't want to believe it . I especially didn 't want to because it was our usually breakfast day . It was the only morning the three of us had off at the same time , so we went to the local IHOP and caught up with the week 's events . I shoved my sausages into my mouth and listened to Carly drone on about her and Mike . I honestly couldn 't care less , but as usual I feigned interest and kept any conflict to a minimum . At any second I expected my thoughts to drift away from Carly incessant yammering . And there it was . I forgot my wallet . I don 't even remember where I put it . I felt around all my pockets and nothing . Thankfully it was Carly 's day to pay so I didn 't have to worry as much . * * * I sat down in my chair near the door and planted my face in my arms . I absolutely hated this class . Well , more the professor than the class . He and I were total opposites and we viewed the world completely differently . We constantly argued about the " meaning " of everything since I just believe that the world is in constant chaos and things just happen . We never agreed on anything and being the asshole I am , I always had to argue my point until both of us gave up , or he kicked me out of the class . He walked away towards the back of the room . I saw him sit down in the back row and felt a rush of guilt overwhelm me . I got up and went to sit next to him . " I just assigned a report . You partner up with someone you don 't know or barely know and study them . Then you write a full report about why you think they are the way they are , " he said . I looked at Lucas and he looked back at me . A smile began to penetrate the stern look on his face that he was holding for so long , but he quickly stopped it . I held up my hand to ask a question and Robbins took a deep breath . I smiled when he turned away . I don 't know what made me feel better , freaking out the entire class , or having an academic reason to be friends with Lucas . I turned to Lucas with the smile still on my face and saw the shock on his . He stared at me in disbelief as I chuckled at everyone 's confusion . When class was dismissed , Lucas and I walked towards the parking lot together . There was silence between us that I wanted him to be the one to break . I wanted to think of something to say , but my mind was running on empty . " I 'm sorry , I really can 't . I promised Carly I 'd go see that counselor again . I have to go around 6 : 30 . " I said . I was . The first genuine smile on my face in two years , and Lucas was causing it . I had no idea what that actually meant . I just knew that I wanted to be around Lucas as much as I possibly could . We sat down at one of the tables outside . The light breeze swept through the little junction of stores . Lucas jumped face first into his sandwich while I slowly picked at my pasta . " Ok , " I said pulling the small locket out from under my shirt collar , " This locket belonged to my mother . She bought it one day when we went to Sea World . She always loved dolphins and when she saw this … she said it was the third time in her life that she was absolutely certain about something she wanted . " " I found it one day shortly before I left for school , and I put a picture of her in it . I wear it everyday to remind myself that what I 'm doing is important for me . No matter how far away I am , when I 'm wearing this locket I feel like I 'm right where I belong . " " Alright well , when I was a kid I always wanted to have a dog . My neighbor had a Doberman puppy and I was absolutely in love with it . But my dad was crazy allergic to dog hair , so we couldn 't have one , " he said . " Yeah … so anyway , when I was like 8 or 9 , my dad had a business trip up in Lake Tahoe , so my parents decided to just make it into a family vacation since it was during the summer . My mom and I were walking down a little junction of stores and I walked by this toy store . I looked in the window and saw this little Doberman Beanie Baby , " he said . " I know , I know , guys and Beanie Babies just don 't really mix , but I was just a kid . I begged my mom for like 20 minutes to buy it for me until she was finally convinced that it would keep me from begging for a real dog . As soon as I got it in my arms , I was never apart from it . I loved that dog so much , " he said . I looked at Lucas completely differently . The compassion and kindness that he had wasn 't something he did voluntarily . From his story , I could tell that it was just natural for him . I smiled back at him and nodded . At that moment , it was like everything slowed down . I looked into his bright hazel eyes and saw the vulnerability . I wasn 't looking at his vulnerability , but I could see myself in the reflection of his eyes . I was looking at mine . I had never told anyone about the locket I held with me everyday . I never reached that level of connection with anyone . And yet , here I sat with a near stranger , and I just spilled information about one of my greatest possessions without much provocation from him . It was like that deal between us established a trust that would take most people years to build . We instantly had a " You give , I give " connection . It felt amazing not only to trust someone so easily , but also to be trusted by that person with the same level of ease . I felt different , almost refreshed . I could feel the changes happening inside me . The warmth I locked away so many years ago was bubbling to the surface and pushing out the cold , logical , and emotionless version of me . That was an amazing chapter . I 'm really feeling for Luke and Aaron now . Hopefully they 'll get to be better friends . . . if Aaron 's head doesn 't do him in . What a great story - so well written ! I love the way you let us in to AAron 's inner voices . . . and I could feel the connection happening - blossoming ! I am an incurable romantic - I am loving this ! ! ! Hugs ! Reply With Quote August 15th , 2009 , 09 : 00 PM That was a wonderfully warm and touching chapter . Trust like that does not come easily . I have a feeling Aaron is going to be a little more reasonable with the counselor . He has something important to relay this time . Luke has that inner connection that anyone would be happy to share . Obviously he has some of the same concerns regarding friendships that Aaron has . I like the way things are going in this story . Eager to read the next chapter . Hey guys , so this chapter is a bit shorter but I wanted to get this part out of the way as soon as possible . I think I 've allowed you all get a better feel for Aaron in this chapter and I 'm going to bring in a few subtle hints and a few not so subtle hints with the next few chapters . Enjoy Wings of A Butterfly Veronica looked at me through her black rimmed glasses as I sat in the chair across from her . I subtly looked around the room to try and get a read on her in case I needed some ammo . She offered me a glass of tea , which I reluctantly accepted . Veronica examined me for a moment , as if to check for subtle hints that could actually lead her somewhere . She picked up her cup and sipped at her tea with her eyes closed . When she opened her eyes it was like a fire had been lit in her soul . She held more energy in them , as if she found something she could use . " I believe you agreed because you value your relationship with Carly , but you 're afraid of feeling vulnerable with another human being . So you fight them every step of the way , but you still end up doing things for them . You do it so you appear to care about them , but to also tell them that you wish you didn 't , " she said . " You think you know me after talking to me twice ? Well let me tell you something , you don 't know a thing about me . So you can sit up here in your little room with all your credentials hanging up on the wall and listen to other people complain about their problems . But me , I 'm going out there . I 'm going to do something that actually matters to the world . So you can take your assumptions about me and shove them up your ass because you have no idea why I am the way that I am . " I bolted out of my seat and stormed over towards the door . She was up and at the door faster than I could reach it . She held her hand against the door as I was trying to open it and storm out of the room . She looked calmly into my eyes and somehow forced the rage that was boiling under my skin to subside . She slowly walked back to her seat . As she sat down she motioned toward the chair for me to sit back down . I turned to face her and crossed my arms . " Before you can face whatever makes you afraid of connecting with other people , you need to tell at least one person what it is , " she said , " It doesn 't have to be me , it can be anyone . But until you tell someone , you 'll always be afraid of it . You 'll keep pushing people out of your life just as you 're about to get close to them . " Defeated , I walked back over to the chair across from her . I stared directly into her dark blue eyes . There was no anger or judgment in them . There was no hostility or restraint in mine either . I couldn 't see it , but I definitely felt it . " Aaron , there is no need for an apology . What you did was a classic outburst . In a way , it made it easier to see who you really are underneath this façade you portray , " she said . She looked up at me with confusion on her face . Her lips pursed and her brow wrinkled with intense thought . I noticed her right hand start flipping her pen around her fingers , something that my Psych professor said people do when they are working something over in their mind . She paused for a second . She put down her sandwich and kept her eyes low . She placed her arms on the table across her chest . Her eyes slowly looked up into mine and examined me for a moment . " Aaron , you haven 't been involved with any girl that I know of since I met you . You haven 't given any reason to believe that you 're straight . You 've never even stated whether you were straight or not . So yeah , I can believe that she may have thought so . " I grabbed my things and walked away . The wind was blowing gently , so I decided to follow it and see where it took me . I really didn 't care . It was Friday afternoon , and two days since I last saw Lucas . Me , being the idiot that I am , forgot to get his number . And both times I knocked on his door were not answered . I was walking by the Science and Health Studies building when a door opened and nearly hit me in the face . A crowd of students flew out the door and poured into the courtyard . Politely , I held the door open and waited for every last one of them to leave the room . The last person to leave was the last person I expected it to be . I rolled my eyes and pushed his shoulder . I didn 't even know where we were walking to , but we ended up at the east parking lot . I looked around for a moment in silence while standing next to Lucas waiting for the crosswalk to turn . He smiled and walked across the street with his golden hair being brushed by the light wind . As he walked away , I noticed he was slightly limping . I pushed it into the back of my mind for now and walked off towards the corner store with a small grin on my face . Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote August 17th , 2009 , 09 : 50 AM That was a very thought provoking chapter . It 's obvious Aaron can 't always stay on his sarcastic path . The counselor broke through and Luke has as well . He 's really not a bad ass after all . Now he has to come to terms with his sexuality and I hope Luke will begin that journey with him soon . Thanks for the update and looking for the next . Thanks for the speedy update . . . if only I could crank out quality work that quickly haha . I 'm VERY excited for the next chapter and to find out what this limp was all about . More more more ! ! ! Irish I knocked on his door three times , each knock slightly lower on the door than the other . I never noticed that I did it until now . Something about Lucas made me more aware of anything I did . Even my little weird things like my knock . The pizza in my left hand was starting to make my palm sweat , or at least that 's what I convinced myself was making it sweat . He opened the door and smiled at me . I opened the box and we each grabbed a slice . I sat back down in his chair and he flopped down on his bed and ate the slice in seconds . I laughed at him and he smiled awkwardly at me . A moment of silence passed between us as we ate . His eyes were glued to the ground and I could tell he was thinking of something that he wasn 't sure about saying . After I finished my slice , I took a deep breath . " Well it got me thinking , " he said , " And I thought about it all day . I 'm not trying to pry you for information or anything , but if you want we could make another deal . You tell me something , I 'll tell you something . " Lucas sat up and sat on the edge of his bed . He stared into my eyes and somehow , I felt a little better . The pain in my chest went away and I was able to hold the tears back a little better than before . " I came home from school one day and found her unconscious in the kitchen . I called 911 but it was too late . I found my mother dead that day . " " She worked so hard for me . She worked so hard to give me a good life … " I said , " But she never thought about what would happen to me if she was gone . " That did it . The tears pushed themselves out of my eyes and I fell forward into myself . Lucas stood up and kneeled down in front of me and caught me before I collapsed . He held me and I cried on his shoulder . " Aaron , that 's ok , " he said . He pulled me away from him and looked directly into my eyes . He placed both hands firmly , but gently , on my shoulders . " She obviously didn 't want you to know until it happened , " he said , " She was probably so scared about leaving you . She probably didn 't want you to have to live every single day in fear , and then have grief on top of that feeling after she died . It 's not wrong for you to be angry , but she probably didn 't tell you because of what knowing that she was going to die would do to you . " He looked firmly into my eyes . I could see his fixation , and from that I could tell that he did genuinely care about me . In my mind , I saw myself drowning . I couldn 't keep myself afloat , even though I had people around me trying to pull me out of the water . I was just about to give up and let myself fall beneath the surface , when I felt a hand grab my arm and lift me up . I looked into the eyes of my rescuer . The bright hazel colored eyes that penetrated my soul and brought down every barrier I had built . I looked back into his eyes and felt the pain be washed away . The tears stopped and I regained my composition . I took several deep breaths and calmed myself down . I sat up straight , never looking away from Lucas ' eyes . They made me feel safe . I nodded at him , but remained silent . I didn 't know what to do now . This was the most vulnerable I 've ever felt in my life . For the first time since my mom 's funeral , I cried in front of another person . I knew he felt the tension boiling inside me , so he wrapped his arms around me again to comfort me . I got up and put the movie in and pressed play . I sat back into the chair and he moved back onto his bed . I noticed he kept looking at me as if I were about to shatter into a million pieces . He walked over to his bookshelf , and I noticed his slight limp again . He turned around smiling with the case of October Sky in his hands . I must have had a worried look on my face or something because his smile disappeared and his eyes glazed over a bit . " It 's ok , " he said , " I talked to Jonathan this morning and he told me everything . He seemed so proud of it , so I yelled at him . Then he said , ' It 's not like I raped him or anything , ' and the next thing I knew , my fist flew into his face . I knocked him on the ground and he kicked me in the hip when I leaned in to help him up . " I smiled at him and he smiled back . At that moment , I felt like we were floating in a space of nothingness . There was nothing to worry about except whether or not we were flying or falling . That 's how it was with Lucas . I could be flying or falling , and it would make no difference to me . It was a challenge to be open with him , but at the same time I felt completely safe . We watched the movie in near silence . Apparently we both loved this movie so much that we could nearly recite the script . I swear at one point I saw him mouthing some of the words . But he just blushed and looked away from me . Lucas made me feel different than my other friends did . I didn 't have to worry about what I said or how I said it . I didn 't have to worry about whether or not I stepped on his toes . I didn 't have to worry about anything really . All I had to do was be myself and let him see my vulnerable side every once in a while . * * * It was nearly 11 at night when I got back to my dorm room . Jonathan was sitting at his desk . I could see very clearly where Lucas clocked him . I couldn 't help but smirk a little about it . " Look you little shit , " I said , " I really don 't care if you do drugs . You can OD on the shit for all I care . But if you EVER slip any of my friends any drugs again without them knowing about it , I swear to God I will rip off your balls and shove em down your throat . " " Do you have any idea what I did to people like you at my high school ? " I asked , " Well it would be NOTHING compared to what I would do to you if you came within 5 feet of Henry ever again . Do you understand me ? " He nodded with fear . I released my grip on his shirt and walked away from him . I didn 't hear him move at all , but when I looked back he was opening the door to leave . Wow ! How great to see Aaron being so vulnerable in telling Luke about his mother . Trusting another person so deeply takes a lot of fortitude . Then , along with Luke , being so protective of another friend . A maturity is growing within him and it suits him well . I like that he and Luke are bonding so well . Awesome chapter , ITC . Great work , ITC ! I love how comfortable he 's becoming with Luke . I can really feel this story going somewhere great ! I also enjoyed how both of them stood up for Henry , especially Aaron who only had Luke 's word on the matter . Aw ! THAT is Fantastic ! ! This is a Good story , itc ! THANK YOU ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote Page 1 of 9

Hey guys , so as promised I 've started on a new story . I 've been tweaking it for a couple days now , and I think it 's finally ready for public eyes . I wanna give a quick thanks to everyone who read and supported Graduation . And those who didn 't , well you should go read it : Graduation The clock that hung from the wall ticked loudly through the silence as the pendulum swung from side to side . I had probably been sitting there for 3 minutes without saying a word . What could I say though ? There was nothing on my mind and she seemed stubborn enough to not be the first one to break the silence between us . " Well , it 's really nothing huge . It 's just a bunch of little things . Homework , tests , social ties … stuff like that , " I said . The woman gently uncrossed and re - crossed her legs as she took a sip of her coffee . She stared at me beneath rectangular , black - rimmed glasses as if to signal me to continue . I really didn 't know what to say . I wasn 't even here by my own choice . Stupid school requirements were forcing me to come here . Apparently , when one student kills themselves , every other student must be suicidal as well . " I don 't know . I try to remind myself that I 'm actually doing pretty well in life . I think about that girl Rachel , the one who shot herself , and I just think about how messed up things must have been for her , " I said . " Not really , no . I mean , I didn 't actually know her so her death doesn 't make me sad . But I feel compassion for the people that cared about her . I 've seen them around and they look pretty fucked up , " I said . " It 's fine . No one is going to get mad at you here . I can have a fucking dirty mouth too sometimes , " she said with a smile . I smiled back at her , but it was just a courtesy smile . I really didn 't think I belonged here . On the outside , I was just a normal college student trying his best to do well in life . On the inside , I didn 't really care about much . All over , I was just your typical everyday teenager who just wanted to fit in and be accepted . " She 's great . We 've been friends since Junior High . She brings out the best kind of person in me . When I 'm around her , I just feel so free it 's as if I could be anyone I wanted to be , " I said . " There 's Carly 's boyfriend , Mike . He 's an ok guy . I wouldn 't consider him one of my best friends , but it 's important to Carly that I like him , so I do , " I said . " Well Aaron , from what I 've gathered there is no need for you to be in therapy . You are perfectly normal in every visual way . I 'll write up a dismissal form for you to turn in at the administrator 's office on campus … unless you want to tell me something else ? " she asked . We sat down at one of the picnic tables that were scattered around the campus . Carly dug right into her food but I just sat there playing with mine with my fork . The fork got stuck and I ended up flicking an olive into the air . I eyed her expression up and down . I was trying to tell if she was pulling my leg or if she was honestly suggesting this . She noticed me studying her face and stared back at me with a raised eyebrow . " Quite possibly , but more importantly I 'm actually serious . You 're so bitter and sarcastic all the time . You never actually talk about what 's bothering you , " she said . After Carly took off to her Philosophy class , I decided to walk around campus . My thought train was on several different tracks as it always was . The first track stayed focused on what I would talk about with the counselor . Would she ask me questions again , or would I have to come up with stuff on my own ? What if I couldn 't think of anything to say ? Did it really matter ? I shook my head at the thought . It didn 't matter at all because it wasn 't necessary . It 's not like there 's anything wrong with me . What 's a psychiatrist going to tell me that I don 't already know ? Whatever , it was for Carly anyway . As long as she was content with me then I was happy . She has no need to worry about me , and this was the only way to prove it to her . My second track was thinking about Rachel . Not about her death , but who she really was . I tried to come up with a picture of what her life was like before she killed herself . The news report said her brother and three of her friends were there when she did it . They said she tried to kill one of them , but her brother stopped her . It made me think that her brother was really close to her and meant a lot to her . But why would she kill herself instead of get help ? Did she really not want to live anymore or did she feel so ashamed about what she did that her brother wouldn 't love her anymore ? It was a sad thought , but I figured anyone who is desperate enough to kill themselves if it meant the pain would stop then she was beyond help . It was a sad thought sure , but it didn 't make me sad . Her brother must have had it rough though . If I had a brother or a sister , then I would probably be able to imagine what he felt . But I didn 't , so I didn 't care very much . My third track was about all the new people moving into the dorms after what happened . There were so few people living in the dorms before that I was able to live alone , but now I was being assigned a roommate . Joy . Another person that I have to socialize with every day , just what I wanted . I finally jumped off my thought train and looked at my watch realizing that it was 1 : 30 already . I decided to head back to the dorm and wait for my new roommate . When I walked past the main Administrator 's Office , I turned the corner sharply and accidentally bumped into someone . I hit my head against theirs and fell down on my ass . He lowered his hand towards me to lift me up . I rubbed my head with my left hand as I took his extended arm with my right . He pulled me up and steadied me . As my vision refocused I was able to see his face . He had a pair of bright green eyes fixated on me while I regained my balance . I took a step forward and wobbled a little . He grabbed my shoulder and laughed a little . Once I got my balance back I laughed a little as well and shook my head . " You want me to walk with you and make sure you don 't pass out ? " he asked flashing me his bright smile . We walked across the campus together , every now and then I would stumble a little and he caught me before I tripped over myself . Each time I did it he let out a chuckle . I probably looked like a complete idiot . We were about halfway across the campus when he started talking to me randomly . I looked up at him and admired him a little . I wasn 't a very creative person , and I respected those that were . I couldn 't draw anything to save my life , but I like looking at the work of those that could . He looked at me as we stopped outside of the north dorm building . His bright hazel eyes glimmered in the light from the sun . I studied them as discretely as I could and noticed that there was a hint of gold around the edges . He smiled and revealed a set of bright white teeth that would make a dentist jealous . I didn 't know what he was smiling at , so I raised an eyebrow at him . As he walked away , I tried to study what made him tick , and what made those thoughts slip out of my mind . Even with Carly , I kept all of my sarcasm in my head so I didn 't offend her at all . There was something different about Luke that I couldn 't quite put my finger on . He was like a book full of analogies and metaphors that made my brain itch . He was confusing and yet , I felt like I understood him at the same time . The only thing I didn 't understand was that bizarre question and answer session while we were walking . Did he honestly care if I was ok even though he just met me ? That had to be it ; and that officially made him tomorrow 's problem . Today 's problem was probably already upstairs unpacking it 's shit , and I had to go meet it and make nice with it for the rest of the semester . He was probably some weak little brainiac that was so afraid of the world that he had to move in with the big boys . It 's just what I needed this semester ; to be some pathetic genius ' bodyguard . I flopped down on my bed and closed my eyes for a moment . My thoughts instantly drifted to Lucas … I mean Luke . What was his deal ? No one could be that nice to someone they just met . Fuck , now I was obsessing . I opened my eyes and rubbed the spot on my forehead where his head hit mine . Just then the door popped open and my new roommate stepped inside , followed closely by that awkward moment . I think I 'm going to like this story ! Off to a really great start . I think I have a feeling who Aaron 's new roommate is going to be BTW , I LOVED Graduation ! ! ! You have such compelling storylines and I have a feeling I won 't be disappointed with this one either . Can 't wait for more ! ! already I have noticed some parallels ! rachel killed herself in " Graduation " and also had a brother who was concerned - - same here . I 'm guessing lucas / luke is the love interest ? he has sparking green eyes ( and a killer smile ) , just like Cameron . Reply With Quote July 18th , 2009 , 10 : 56 PM Hmmm ! Haven 't read " Graduation " . . . yet ! . . . but , I 'm liking this one . . . a LOT ! PLEASE keep up the great work ! I 'm definitely looking forward to reading more of YOU ! Very interesting perspective ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote July 19th , 2009 , 01 : 16 AM How great to sign on today and see one of my favorite authors had started a new story . I like the approach this one has and as ASDF pointed out , there are the parallels with " Graduation . " Who would have thought that a tragic event such as Rachael killing herself would have such a wide effect on someone that didn 't even know her . I can tell this is going to be as brilliant a story as " Graduation " but with an entirely new cast of characters . Looking forward to a long read . already I have noticed some parallels ! rachel killed herself in " Graduation " and also had a brother who was concerned - - same here . I 'm guessing lucas / luke is the love interest ? he has sparking green eyes ( and a killer smile ) , just like Cameron . Oops looks like I overlooked something while I was editing . His eyes were supposed to be Hazel . I guess I just missed that one And I 'm glad you guys like it so far . I 'm gonna start chapter two today and hopefully be finished soon . Thanks for the support guys ! Great start ! I really enjoyed " Graduation " , I think I 'll like this story too . Looking forward to chapter 2 already ! Reply With Quote July 23rd , 2009 , 05 : 34 AM ITC this is a great beginning . Looking forward to more . I know that it will be just as fantastic as Graduation and I think you know by now that that story was the greatest . H & K " He 's ok . He 's kinda quiet though . After he unpacked he just sat at his desk playing games on his computer , " I said . Henry and I were sitting in the Student Hall on campus . The building was amazing . It had a big sitting / study area on the main floor , a library on the second floor , and a bunch of little shops , food places , and even a bowling alley in the underground area . I sat on my favorite couch in the room and Henry sat in the armchair sitting adjacent to me . I turned around and looked at the doors behind me . Jonathan was standing there looking awkwardly into the crowd for a place to sit down . I couldn 't help but feel sorry for him . He honestly looked like a guy who just needed a friend . He turned his head and saw me staring at him , so I gave a kind of half wave at him . He looked away instantly and walked towards the stairs . Jonathan stopped dead in his tracks . He looked over at us and saw Henry waving him over to our area . I could see his hesitation and smell his fear from where I was sitting . I nodded at him when he turned his dark brown eyes to me . After a moment of awkward pause , he shifted his feet and walked slowly over to us . I found myself hating him a little bit . Not because he was so awkward , but because he didn 't seem to even want a social life . It was as if he was battling with himself on the inside , and I couldn 't tell if he was winning or losing . He was very difficult to read and for that , I couldn 't help but hate him . No one has been able to hide themselves from me for very long , but this kid was actually giving me a challenge . As he sat down on the opposite end of the couch I was sitting on , there was an awkward moment of silence between us . I gave a quick stink eye at him when he sat on my couch , but hid it before he or Henry could see it . I turned my attention to my laptop which had the website , Fmylife open . Henry noticed my shift in focus and started talking to Jonathan . Tuning out their conversation , I retreated into my thoughts . I nodded at appropriate times and feigned interest like I always did . To be honest , the conversations about this Rachel girl were getting repetitive . Someone who had minimal interaction with her would find someone else who had even less interaction with her and express what a " shock " it was when it happened . I was a little surprised when my thoughts crossed over the pain in my forehead , and suddenly all I could think of was Lucas . He perplexed me . He seemed to genuinely care about my wellbeing , but yet he didn 't ask for my number or ask to walk me up to my room or whatever . I concluded on the thought that he really didn 't care , and that he was just making sure I didn 't want to sue him or anything . My thoughts were interrupted by Henry 's voice . * * * Walking into the club , I heard the sounds of my favorite band , Paramore . Carly immediately began dancing to the tune of Crushcrushcrush as we were walking down the stairs to the main floor of the club . She flung her dark brown hair around in sync with the beat of the song and she pulled Mike out to the dance floor . Henry and I sat at the bar and saw Jonathan walking down the stairs . He was closely followed by Lucas and his eyes magnetically stuck to mine from across the room . I saw a smile creep across his face . He and Jonathan made their way over to the bar , but our eyes never separated . His were full of amusement , while mine were filled with annoyance . I gave him a glare and he burst into laughter . Jonathan and Henry broke off and started chatting while Lucas and I had a couple drinks . Lucas and I just sat at the bar talking about the music they were playing . I sat there stunned for a moment . No way were he and I in the same place at the same time worshiping the same band . I must have been staring for a few minutes because he broke me out of my trance by waving his hand in my face . We sat there as the final line of a song neither of us was paying attention to finished . Eagerly awaiting the next song to play , I looked around and noticed that everyone else was gone . The DJ shut off the sound system and the bartender told us they were closing in a few minutes . We stared at each other with wide eyes and disbelief . He got off his stool and motioned towards the staircase . I wiped my hands on my jeans and walked past him up the stairs . The cool , crisp air outside felt refreshing after being inside for God knows how long . I stretched a bit as Lucas emerged out of the stairway and chuckled at me . He smiled at me and I smiled back . It was then that I realized that I was doing exactly what I didn 't want to do . Acting on instinct , my mind took over and I broke this moment between us . I tried desperately to think of a rational excuse to keep from walking back with him , but failed miserably . I just nodded and walked beside him , not saying a word the whole mile and a half to the dorm . He tried to talk to me , but I made it very clear that I was " too tired to think " so he gave up after the third avoided question . We walked up the stairs of the dorm building and stood outside my room for a moment . Lucas burst into laughter that carried across the courtyard . We walked into the other dorm building and up the stairs to the third floor where Lucas ' room was . This building was much younger and nicer than the one I was living in . We walked into the room and my jaw nearly fell off when I saw the interior . It was at least twice as big as my room , and he didn 't even have a roommate . I went into the bathroom to take a piss and change and I came out to see him already under his covers . I walked softly over to the bed and sat down on it . As usual , I went over the day 's events in my head as a way of cataloguing any significance in any moment . I stopped at the brief moment between Lucas and I outside the club and couldn 't decide if that was significant . Without thinking , I blurted out a question to Lucas . I turned over and lay down on the bed . I stared at the ceiling and kept thinking about that exchange of smiles . As much as I disliked the idea , I had found a new friend in Lucas Harper . That wasn 't what was bothering me though . The issue I was bumping up against was whether or not I would drive him away . He was so different from the people I was friends with . Carly and Henry were just as closed of as I was … I mean am . But Lucas has a warming quality that I was afraid of breaking . I turned over , facing away from Lucas , and started drifting off to sleep . I could hear him lightly snoring from his bed behind me , and for the first time in a while , I let out a genuine laugh . It wasn 't forced or fake . And that 's when I realized that I actually liked Lucas . I was friends with Henry because we were in the same social group and had similar taste in music . I was friends with Carly because we 've been together nearly since birth . And right now , I couldn 't really tell if I actually liked either of them . THANK YOU ! , itc ! Excellent ! Been waiting for this 2nd chapter , and , in the mean time , read " Graduation " ! Now I understand the " tie in " here . Fantastic ! ! I 'm truly enjoying your writing style ! And , especially appreciate your including Aaron 's " inner conversation " with himself . Definitely looking forward to more ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote August 10th , 2009 , 11 : 44 AM Happy to see an addition to the story . I am certain Aaron and Lucas are going to be very good friends . . . . . . . . . . . . hopefully more . Like Littletosay , I wonder if Henry and Jonathan are getting to know each other . . . lol Great chapter ITC ! I felt the vibrations of my phone beneath my pillow . It was just loud enough to wake me , but not enough to stir Lucas out of his sleep . I slowly and quietly changed clothes and left his room . The sun was barely coming up and all I could think of was how much I missed my mother . I clutched the locket that hid beneath my shirt as my breathing became heavy with grief . I looked away from the sunrise and just walked around for a little while . I felt bad for leaving Lucas like that , but it was pointless for me to let myself get close to someone else . I listened to the voice in my head telling me that I had enough . Any more than what I already have would just make things harder . I would have just left it at that , but then I heard a voice I hadn 't heard in a long time . There was a name I hadn 't thought of in years . He was a lot like Lucas , or at least what I 've witnessed from Lucas so far . We complemented each other like cheese and macaroni . Everyone thought we were twins because between the two of us , we knew everything . We were like two halves of an apple . At least , until his dad 's company relocated his family to a small town three states away . That was about two years before I met Henry . If it weren 't for Carly I wouldn 't have even had Henry . But life has been hard enough since then , I don 't need someone else who I am certain will cause me pain one day . The argument in my mind subsided as I once again listened to my negativity and decided that Lucas was too good for me to even try to be his friend . I passed through the doors of my dorm building and saw Henry laying on one of the couches in the lounge . He looked totally smashed from last night . I walked up to him and flicked his ear . When I got him up to his dorm room , I went back downstairs to mine to see if Jonathan was still there . I looked at my watch and it was now 7 : 30 a . m . I poked my head into the room and saw that no one was inside . It reeked of sex so I grabbed the air freshener and just blasted it around the room . I sat on my bed and dropped my head into my hands for a moment . I actually didn 't know Henry as well as I thought . He could have done it himself , but I didn 't want to believe it . I especially didn 't want to because it was our usually breakfast day . It was the only morning the three of us had off at the same time , so we went to the local IHOP and caught up with the week 's events . I shoved my sausages into my mouth and listened to Carly drone on about her and Mike . I honestly couldn 't care less , but as usual I feigned interest and kept any conflict to a minimum . At any second I expected my thoughts to drift away from Carly incessant yammering . And there it was . I forgot my wallet . I don 't even remember where I put it . I felt around all my pockets and nothing . Thankfully it was Carly 's day to pay so I didn 't have to worry as much . * * * I sat down in my chair near the door and planted my face in my arms . I absolutely hated this class . Well , more the professor than the class . He and I were total opposites and we viewed the world completely differently . We constantly argued about the " meaning " of everything since I just believe that the world is in constant chaos and things just happen . We never agreed on anything and being the asshole I am , I always had to argue my point until both of us gave up , or he kicked me out of the class . He walked away towards the back of the room . I saw him sit down in the back row and felt a rush of guilt overwhelm me . I got up and went to sit next to him . " I just assigned a report . You partner up with someone you don 't know or barely know and study them . Then you write a full report about why you think they are the way they are , " he said . I looked at Lucas and he looked back at me . A smile began to penetrate the stern look on his face that he was holding for so long , but he quickly stopped it . I held up my hand to ask a question and Robbins took a deep breath . I smiled when he turned away . I don 't know what made me feel better , freaking out the entire class , or having an academic reason to be friends with Lucas . I turned to Lucas with the smile still on my face and saw the shock on his . He stared at me in disbelief as I chuckled at everyone 's confusion . When class was dismissed , Lucas and I walked towards the parking lot together . There was silence between us that I wanted him to be the one to break . I wanted to think of something to say , but my mind was running on empty . " I 'm sorry , I really can 't . I promised Carly I 'd go see that counselor again . I have to go around 6 : 30 . " I said . I was . The first genuine smile on my face in two years , and Lucas was causing it . I had no idea what that actually meant . I just knew that I wanted to be around Lucas as much as I possibly could . We sat down at one of the tables outside . The light breeze swept through the little junction of stores . Lucas jumped face first into his sandwich while I slowly picked at my pasta . " Ok , " I said pulling the small locket out from under my shirt collar , " This locket belonged to my mother . She bought it one day when we went to Sea World . She always loved dolphins and when she saw this … she said it was the third time in her life that she was absolutely certain about something she wanted . " " I found it one day shortly before I left for school , and I put a picture of her in it . I wear it everyday to remind myself that what I 'm doing is important for me . No matter how far away I am , when I 'm wearing this locket I feel like I 'm right where I belong . " " Alright well , when I was a kid I always wanted to have a dog . My neighbor had a Doberman puppy and I was absolutely in love with it . But my dad was crazy allergic to dog hair , so we couldn 't have one , " he said . " Yeah … so anyway , when I was like 8 or 9 , my dad had a business trip up in Lake Tahoe , so my parents decided to just make it into a family vacation since it was during the summer . My mom and I were walking down a little junction of stores and I walked by this toy store . I looked in the window and saw this little Doberman Beanie Baby , " he said . " I know , I know , guys and Beanie Babies just don 't really mix , but I was just a kid . I begged my mom for like 20 minutes to buy it for me until she was finally convinced that it would keep me from begging for a real dog . As soon as I got it in my arms , I was never apart from it . I loved that dog so much , " he said . I looked at Lucas completely differently . The compassion and kindness that he had wasn 't something he did voluntarily . From his story , I could tell that it was just natural for him . I smiled back at him and nodded . At that moment , it was like everything slowed down . I looked into his bright hazel eyes and saw the vulnerability . I wasn 't looking at his vulnerability , but I could see myself in the reflection of his eyes . I was looking at mine . I had never told anyone about the locket I held with me everyday . I never reached that level of connection with anyone . And yet , here I sat with a near stranger , and I just spilled information about one of my greatest possessions without much provocation from him . It was like that deal between us established a trust that would take most people years to build . We instantly had a " You give , I give " connection . It felt amazing not only to trust someone so easily , but also to be trusted by that person with the same level of ease . I felt different , almost refreshed . I could feel the changes happening inside me . The warmth I locked away so many years ago was bubbling to the surface and pushing out the cold , logical , and emotionless version of me . That was an amazing chapter . I 'm really feeling for Luke and Aaron now . Hopefully they 'll get to be better friends . . . if Aaron 's head doesn 't do him in . What a great story - so well written ! I love the way you let us in to AAron 's inner voices . . . and I could feel the connection happening - blossoming ! I am an incurable romantic - I am loving this ! ! ! Hugs ! Reply With Quote August 15th , 2009 , 09 : 00 PM That was a wonderfully warm and touching chapter . Trust like that does not come easily . I have a feeling Aaron is going to be a little more reasonable with the counselor . He has something important to relay this time . Luke has that inner connection that anyone would be happy to share . Obviously he has some of the same concerns regarding friendships that Aaron has . I like the way things are going in this story . Eager to read the next chapter . Hey guys , so this chapter is a bit shorter but I wanted to get this part out of the way as soon as possible . I think I 've allowed you all get a better feel for Aaron in this chapter and I 'm going to bring in a few subtle hints and a few not so subtle hints with the next few chapters . Enjoy Wings of A Butterfly Veronica looked at me through her black rimmed glasses as I sat in the chair across from her . I subtly looked around the room to try and get a read on her in case I needed some ammo . She offered me a glass of tea , which I reluctantly accepted . Veronica examined me for a moment , as if to check for subtle hints that could actually lead her somewhere . She picked up her cup and sipped at her tea with her eyes closed . When she opened her eyes it was like a fire had been lit in her soul . She held more energy in them , as if she found something she could use . " I believe you agreed because you value your relationship with Carly , but you 're afraid of feeling vulnerable with another human being . So you fight them every step of the way , but you still end up doing things for them . You do it so you appear to care about them , but to also tell them that you wish you didn 't , " she said . " You think you know me after talking to me twice ? Well let me tell you something , you don 't know a thing about me . So you can sit up here in your little room with all your credentials hanging up on the wall and listen to other people complain about their problems . But me , I 'm going out there . I 'm going to do something that actually matters to the world . So you can take your assumptions about me and shove them up your ass because you have no idea why I am the way that I am . " I bolted out of my seat and stormed over towards the door . She was up and at the door faster than I could reach it . She held her hand against the door as I was trying to open it and storm out of the room . She looked calmly into my eyes and somehow forced the rage that was boiling under my skin to subside . She slowly walked back to her seat . As she sat down she motioned toward the chair for me to sit back down . I turned to face her and crossed my arms . " Before you can face whatever makes you afraid of connecting with other people , you need to tell at least one person what it is , " she said , " It doesn 't have to be me , it can be anyone . But until you tell someone , you 'll always be afraid of it . You 'll keep pushing people out of your life just as you 're about to get close to them . " Defeated , I walked back over to the chair across from her . I stared directly into her dark blue eyes . There was no anger or judgment in them . There was no hostility or restraint in mine either . I couldn 't see it , but I definitely felt it . " Aaron , there is no need for an apology . What you did was a classic outburst . In a way , it made it easier to see who you really are underneath this façade you portray , " she said . She looked up at me with confusion on her face . Her lips pursed and her brow wrinkled with intense thought . I noticed her right hand start flipping her pen around her fingers , something that my Psych professor said people do when they are working something over in their mind . She paused for a second . She put down her sandwich and kept her eyes low . She placed her arms on the table across her chest . Her eyes slowly looked up into mine and examined me for a moment . " Aaron , you haven 't been involved with any girl that I know of since I met you . You haven 't given any reason to believe that you 're straight . You 've never even stated whether you were straight or not . So yeah , I can believe that she may have thought so . " I grabbed my things and walked away . The wind was blowing gently , so I decided to follow it and see where it took me . I really didn 't care . It was Friday afternoon , and two days since I last saw Lucas . Me , being the idiot that I am , forgot to get his number . And both times I knocked on his door were not answered . I was walking by the Science and Health Studies building when a door opened and nearly hit me in the face . A crowd of students flew out the door and poured into the courtyard . Politely , I held the door open and waited for every last one of them to leave the room . The last person to leave was the last person I expected it to be . I rolled my eyes and pushed his shoulder . I didn 't even know where we were walking to , but we ended up at the east parking lot . I looked around for a moment in silence while standing next to Lucas waiting for the crosswalk to turn . He smiled and walked across the street with his golden hair being brushed by the light wind . As he walked away , I noticed he was slightly limping . I pushed it into the back of my mind for now and walked off towards the corner store with a small grin on my face . Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote August 17th , 2009 , 09 : 50 AM That was a very thought provoking chapter . It 's obvious Aaron can 't always stay on his sarcastic path . The counselor broke through and Luke has as well . He 's really not a bad ass after all . Now he has to come to terms with his sexuality and I hope Luke will begin that journey with him soon . Thanks for the update and looking for the next . Thanks for the speedy update . . . if only I could crank out quality work that quickly haha . I 'm VERY excited for the next chapter and to find out what this limp was all about . More more more ! ! ! Irish I knocked on his door three times , each knock slightly lower on the door than the other . I never noticed that I did it until now . Something about Lucas made me more aware of anything I did . Even my little weird things like my knock . The pizza in my left hand was starting to make my palm sweat , or at least that 's what I convinced myself was making it sweat . He opened the door and smiled at me . I opened the box and we each grabbed a slice . I sat back down in his chair and he flopped down on his bed and ate the slice in seconds . I laughed at him and he smiled awkwardly at me . A moment of silence passed between us as we ate . His eyes were glued to the ground and I could tell he was thinking of something that he wasn 't sure about saying . After I finished my slice , I took a deep breath . " Well it got me thinking , " he said , " And I thought about it all day . I 'm not trying to pry you for information or anything , but if you want we could make another deal . You tell me something , I 'll tell you something . " Lucas sat up and sat on the edge of his bed . He stared into my eyes and somehow , I felt a little better . The pain in my chest went away and I was able to hold the tears back a little better than before . " I came home from school one day and found her unconscious in the kitchen . I called 911 but it was too late . I found my mother dead that day . " " She worked so hard for me . She worked so hard to give me a good life … " I said , " But she never thought about what would happen to me if she was gone . " That did it . The tears pushed themselves out of my eyes and I fell forward into myself . Lucas stood up and kneeled down in front of me and caught me before I collapsed . He held me and I cried on his shoulder . " Aaron , that 's ok , " he said . He pulled me away from him and looked directly into my eyes . He placed both hands firmly , but gently , on my shoulders . " She obviously didn 't want you to know until it happened , " he said , " She was probably so scared about leaving you . She probably didn 't want you to have to live every single day in fear , and then have grief on top of that feeling after she died . It 's not wrong for you to be angry , but she probably didn 't tell you because of what knowing that she was going to die would do to you . " He looked firmly into my eyes . I could see his fixation , and from that I could tell that he did genuinely care about me . In my mind , I saw myself drowning . I couldn 't keep myself afloat , even though I had people around me trying to pull me out of the water . I was just about to give up and let myself fall beneath the surface , when I felt a hand grab my arm and lift me up . I looked into the eyes of my rescuer . The bright hazel colored eyes that penetrated my soul and brought down every barrier I had built . I looked back into his eyes and felt the pain be washed away . The tears stopped and I regained my composition . I took several deep breaths and calmed myself down . I sat up straight , never looking away from Lucas ' eyes . They made me feel safe . I nodded at him , but remained silent . I didn 't know what to do now . This was the most vulnerable I 've ever felt in my life . For the first time since my mom 's funeral , I cried in front of another person . I knew he felt the tension boiling inside me , so he wrapped his arms around me again to comfort me . I got up and put the movie in and pressed play . I sat back into the chair and he moved back onto his bed . I noticed he kept looking at me as if I were about to shatter into a million pieces . He walked over to his bookshelf , and I noticed his slight limp again . He turned around smiling with the case of October Sky in his hands . I must have had a worried look on my face or something because his smile disappeared and his eyes glazed over a bit . " It 's ok , " he said , " I talked to Jonathan this morning and he told me everything . He seemed so proud of it , so I yelled at him . Then he said , ' It 's not like I raped him or anything , ' and the next thing I knew , my fist flew into his face . I knocked him on the ground and he kicked me in the hip when I leaned in to help him up . " I smiled at him and he smiled back . At that moment , I felt like we were floating in a space of nothingness . There was nothing to worry about except whether or not we were flying or falling . That 's how it was with Lucas . I could be flying or falling , and it would make no difference to me . It was a challenge to be open with him , but at the same time I felt completely safe . We watched the movie in near silence . Apparently we both loved this movie so much that we could nearly recite the script . I swear at one point I saw him mouthing some of the words . But he just blushed and looked away from me . Lucas made me feel different than my other friends did . I didn 't have to worry about what I said or how I said it . I didn 't have to worry about whether or not I stepped on his toes . I didn 't have to worry about anything really . All I had to do was be myself and let him see my vulnerable side every once in a while . * * * It was nearly 11 at night when I got back to my dorm room . Jonathan was sitting at his desk . I could see very clearly where Lucas clocked him . I couldn 't help but smirk a little about it . " Look you little shit , " I said , " I really don 't care if you do drugs . You can OD on the shit for all I care . But if you EVER slip any of my friends any drugs again without them knowing about it , I swear to God I will rip off your balls and shove em down your throat . " " Do you have any idea what I did to people like you at my high school ? " I asked , " Well it would be NOTHING compared to what I would do to you if you came within 5 feet of Henry ever again . Do you understand me ? " He nodded with fear . I released my grip on his shirt and walked away from him . I didn 't hear him move at all , but when I looked back he was opening the door to leave . Wow ! How great to see Aaron being so vulnerable in telling Luke about his mother . Trusting another person so deeply takes a lot of fortitude . Then , along with Luke , being so protective of another friend . A maturity is growing within him and it suits him well . I like that he and Luke are bonding so well . Awesome chapter , ITC . Great work , ITC ! I love how comfortable he 's becoming with Luke . I can really feel this story going somewhere great ! I also enjoyed how both of them stood up for Henry , especially Aaron who only had Luke 's word on the matter . Aw ! THAT is Fantastic ! ! This is a Good story , itc ! THANK YOU ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote Page 1 of 9

Hey guys , so as promised I 've started on a new story . I 've been tweaking it for a couple days now , and I think it 's finally ready for public eyes . I wanna give a quick thanks to everyone who read and supported Graduation . And those who didn 't , well you should go read it : Graduation The clock that hung from the wall ticked loudly through the silence as the pendulum swung from side to side . I had probably been sitting there for 3 minutes without saying a word . What could I say though ? There was nothing on my mind and she seemed stubborn enough to not be the first one to break the silence between us . " Well , it 's really nothing huge . It 's just a bunch of little things . Homework , tests , social ties … stuff like that , " I said . The woman gently uncrossed and re - crossed her legs as she took a sip of her coffee . She stared at me beneath rectangular , black - rimmed glasses as if to signal me to continue . I really didn 't know what to say . I wasn 't even here by my own choice . Stupid school requirements were forcing me to come here . Apparently , when one student kills themselves , every other student must be suicidal as well . " I don 't know . I try to remind myself that I 'm actually doing pretty well in life . I think about that girl Rachel , the one who shot herself , and I just think about how messed up things must have been for her , " I said . " Not really , no . I mean , I didn 't actually know her so her death doesn 't make me sad . But I feel compassion for the people that cared about her . I 've seen them around and they look pretty fucked up , " I said . " It 's fine . No one is going to get mad at you here . I can have a fucking dirty mouth too sometimes , " she said with a smile . I smiled back at her , but it was just a courtesy smile . I really didn 't think I belonged here . On the outside , I was just a normal college student trying his best to do well in life . On the inside , I didn 't really care about much . All over , I was just your typical everyday teenager who just wanted to fit in and be accepted . " She 's great . We 've been friends since Junior High . She brings out the best kind of person in me . When I 'm around her , I just feel so free it 's as if I could be anyone I wanted to be , " I said . " There 's Carly 's boyfriend , Mike . He 's an ok guy . I wouldn 't consider him one of my best friends , but it 's important to Carly that I like him , so I do , " I said . " Well Aaron , from what I 've gathered there is no need for you to be in therapy . You are perfectly normal in every visual way . I 'll write up a dismissal form for you to turn in at the administrator 's office on campus … unless you want to tell me something else ? " she asked . We sat down at one of the picnic tables that were scattered around the campus . Carly dug right into her food but I just sat there playing with mine with my fork . The fork got stuck and I ended up flicking an olive into the air . I eyed her expression up and down . I was trying to tell if she was pulling my leg or if she was honestly suggesting this . She noticed me studying her face and stared back at me with a raised eyebrow . " Quite possibly , but more importantly I 'm actually serious . You 're so bitter and sarcastic all the time . You never actually talk about what 's bothering you , " she said . After Carly took off to her Philosophy class , I decided to walk around campus . My thought train was on several different tracks as it always was . The first track stayed focused on what I would talk about with the counselor . Would she ask me questions again , or would I have to come up with stuff on my own ? What if I couldn 't think of anything to say ? Did it really matter ? I shook my head at the thought . It didn 't matter at all because it wasn 't necessary . It 's not like there 's anything wrong with me . What 's a psychiatrist going to tell me that I don 't already know ? Whatever , it was for Carly anyway . As long as she was content with me then I was happy . She has no need to worry about me , and this was the only way to prove it to her . My second track was thinking about Rachel . Not about her death , but who she really was . I tried to come up with a picture of what her life was like before she killed herself . The news report said her brother and three of her friends were there when she did it . They said she tried to kill one of them , but her brother stopped her . It made me think that her brother was really close to her and meant a lot to her . But why would she kill herself instead of get help ? Did she really not want to live anymore or did she feel so ashamed about what she did that her brother wouldn 't love her anymore ? It was a sad thought , but I figured anyone who is desperate enough to kill themselves if it meant the pain would stop then she was beyond help . It was a sad thought sure , but it didn 't make me sad . Her brother must have had it rough though . If I had a brother or a sister , then I would probably be able to imagine what he felt . But I didn 't , so I didn 't care very much . My third track was about all the new people moving into the dorms after what happened . There were so few people living in the dorms before that I was able to live alone , but now I was being assigned a roommate . Joy . Another person that I have to socialize with every day , just what I wanted . I finally jumped off my thought train and looked at my watch realizing that it was 1 : 30 already . I decided to head back to the dorm and wait for my new roommate . When I walked past the main Administrator 's Office , I turned the corner sharply and accidentally bumped into someone . I hit my head against theirs and fell down on my ass . He lowered his hand towards me to lift me up . I rubbed my head with my left hand as I took his extended arm with my right . He pulled me up and steadied me . As my vision refocused I was able to see his face . He had a pair of bright green eyes fixated on me while I regained my balance . I took a step forward and wobbled a little . He grabbed my shoulder and laughed a little . Once I got my balance back I laughed a little as well and shook my head . " You want me to walk with you and make sure you don 't pass out ? " he asked flashing me his bright smile . We walked across the campus together , every now and then I would stumble a little and he caught me before I tripped over myself . Each time I did it he let out a chuckle . I probably looked like a complete idiot . We were about halfway across the campus when he started talking to me randomly . I looked up at him and admired him a little . I wasn 't a very creative person , and I respected those that were . I couldn 't draw anything to save my life , but I like looking at the work of those that could . He looked at me as we stopped outside of the north dorm building . His bright hazel eyes glimmered in the light from the sun . I studied them as discretely as I could and noticed that there was a hint of gold around the edges . He smiled and revealed a set of bright white teeth that would make a dentist jealous . I didn 't know what he was smiling at , so I raised an eyebrow at him . As he walked away , I tried to study what made him tick , and what made those thoughts slip out of my mind . Even with Carly , I kept all of my sarcasm in my head so I didn 't offend her at all . There was something different about Luke that I couldn 't quite put my finger on . He was like a book full of analogies and metaphors that made my brain itch . He was confusing and yet , I felt like I understood him at the same time . The only thing I didn 't understand was that bizarre question and answer session while we were walking . Did he honestly care if I was ok even though he just met me ? That had to be it ; and that officially made him tomorrow 's problem . Today 's problem was probably already upstairs unpacking it 's shit , and I had to go meet it and make nice with it for the rest of the semester . He was probably some weak little brainiac that was so afraid of the world that he had to move in with the big boys . It 's just what I needed this semester ; to be some pathetic genius ' bodyguard . I flopped down on my bed and closed my eyes for a moment . My thoughts instantly drifted to Lucas … I mean Luke . What was his deal ? No one could be that nice to someone they just met . Fuck , now I was obsessing . I opened my eyes and rubbed the spot on my forehead where his head hit mine . Just then the door popped open and my new roommate stepped inside , followed closely by that awkward moment . I think I 'm going to like this story ! Off to a really great start . I think I have a feeling who Aaron 's new roommate is going to be BTW , I LOVED Graduation ! ! ! You have such compelling storylines and I have a feeling I won 't be disappointed with this one either . Can 't wait for more ! ! already I have noticed some parallels ! rachel killed herself in " Graduation " and also had a brother who was concerned - - same here . I 'm guessing lucas / luke is the love interest ? he has sparking green eyes ( and a killer smile ) , just like Cameron . Reply With Quote July 18th , 2009 , 10 : 56 PM Hmmm ! Haven 't read " Graduation " . . . yet ! . . . but , I 'm liking this one . . . a LOT ! PLEASE keep up the great work ! I 'm definitely looking forward to reading more of YOU ! Very interesting perspective ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote July 19th , 2009 , 01 : 16 AM How great to sign on today and see one of my favorite authors had started a new story . I like the approach this one has and as ASDF pointed out , there are the parallels with " Graduation . " Who would have thought that a tragic event such as Rachael killing herself would have such a wide effect on someone that didn 't even know her . I can tell this is going to be as brilliant a story as " Graduation " but with an entirely new cast of characters . Looking forward to a long read . already I have noticed some parallels ! rachel killed herself in " Graduation " and also had a brother who was concerned - - same here . I 'm guessing lucas / luke is the love interest ? he has sparking green eyes ( and a killer smile ) , just like Cameron . Oops looks like I overlooked something while I was editing . His eyes were supposed to be Hazel . I guess I just missed that one And I 'm glad you guys like it so far . I 'm gonna start chapter two today and hopefully be finished soon . Thanks for the support guys ! Great start ! I really enjoyed " Graduation " , I think I 'll like this story too . Looking forward to chapter 2 already ! Reply With Quote July 23rd , 2009 , 05 : 34 AM ITC this is a great beginning . Looking forward to more . I know that it will be just as fantastic as Graduation and I think you know by now that that story was the greatest . H & K " He 's ok . He 's kinda quiet though . After he unpacked he just sat at his desk playing games on his computer , " I said . Henry and I were sitting in the Student Hall on campus . The building was amazing . It had a big sitting / study area on the main floor , a library on the second floor , and a bunch of little shops , food places , and even a bowling alley in the underground area . I sat on my favorite couch in the room and Henry sat in the armchair sitting adjacent to me . I turned around and looked at the doors behind me . Jonathan was standing there looking awkwardly into the crowd for a place to sit down . I couldn 't help but feel sorry for him . He honestly looked like a guy who just needed a friend . He turned his head and saw me staring at him , so I gave a kind of half wave at him . He looked away instantly and walked towards the stairs . Jonathan stopped dead in his tracks . He looked over at us and saw Henry waving him over to our area . I could see his hesitation and smell his fear from where I was sitting . I nodded at him when he turned his dark brown eyes to me . After a moment of awkward pause , he shifted his feet and walked slowly over to us . I found myself hating him a little bit . Not because he was so awkward , but because he didn 't seem to even want a social life . It was as if he was battling with himself on the inside , and I couldn 't tell if he was winning or losing . He was very difficult to read and for that , I couldn 't help but hate him . No one has been able to hide themselves from me for very long , but this kid was actually giving me a challenge . As he sat down on the opposite end of the couch I was sitting on , there was an awkward moment of silence between us . I gave a quick stink eye at him when he sat on my couch , but hid it before he or Henry could see it . I turned my attention to my laptop which had the website , Fmylife open . Henry noticed my shift in focus and started talking to Jonathan . Tuning out their conversation , I retreated into my thoughts . I nodded at appropriate times and feigned interest like I always did . To be honest , the conversations about this Rachel girl were getting repetitive . Someone who had minimal interaction with her would find someone else who had even less interaction with her and express what a " shock " it was when it happened . I was a little surprised when my thoughts crossed over the pain in my forehead , and suddenly all I could think of was Lucas . He perplexed me . He seemed to genuinely care about my wellbeing , but yet he didn 't ask for my number or ask to walk me up to my room or whatever . I concluded on the thought that he really didn 't care , and that he was just making sure I didn 't want to sue him or anything . My thoughts were interrupted by Henry 's voice . * * * Walking into the club , I heard the sounds of my favorite band , Paramore . Carly immediately began dancing to the tune of Crushcrushcrush as we were walking down the stairs to the main floor of the club . She flung her dark brown hair around in sync with the beat of the song and she pulled Mike out to the dance floor . Henry and I sat at the bar and saw Jonathan walking down the stairs . He was closely followed by Lucas and his eyes magnetically stuck to mine from across the room . I saw a smile creep across his face . He and Jonathan made their way over to the bar , but our eyes never separated . His were full of amusement , while mine were filled with annoyance . I gave him a glare and he burst into laughter . Jonathan and Henry broke off and started chatting while Lucas and I had a couple drinks . Lucas and I just sat at the bar talking about the music they were playing . I sat there stunned for a moment . No way were he and I in the same place at the same time worshiping the same band . I must have been staring for a few minutes because he broke me out of my trance by waving his hand in my face . We sat there as the final line of a song neither of us was paying attention to finished . Eagerly awaiting the next song to play , I looked around and noticed that everyone else was gone . The DJ shut off the sound system and the bartender told us they were closing in a few minutes . We stared at each other with wide eyes and disbelief . He got off his stool and motioned towards the staircase . I wiped my hands on my jeans and walked past him up the stairs . The cool , crisp air outside felt refreshing after being inside for God knows how long . I stretched a bit as Lucas emerged out of the stairway and chuckled at me . He smiled at me and I smiled back . It was then that I realized that I was doing exactly what I didn 't want to do . Acting on instinct , my mind took over and I broke this moment between us . I tried desperately to think of a rational excuse to keep from walking back with him , but failed miserably . I just nodded and walked beside him , not saying a word the whole mile and a half to the dorm . He tried to talk to me , but I made it very clear that I was " too tired to think " so he gave up after the third avoided question . We walked up the stairs of the dorm building and stood outside my room for a moment . Lucas burst into laughter that carried across the courtyard . We walked into the other dorm building and up the stairs to the third floor where Lucas ' room was . This building was much younger and nicer than the one I was living in . We walked into the room and my jaw nearly fell off when I saw the interior . It was at least twice as big as my room , and he didn 't even have a roommate . I went into the bathroom to take a piss and change and I came out to see him already under his covers . I walked softly over to the bed and sat down on it . As usual , I went over the day 's events in my head as a way of cataloguing any significance in any moment . I stopped at the brief moment between Lucas and I outside the club and couldn 't decide if that was significant . Without thinking , I blurted out a question to Lucas . I turned over and lay down on the bed . I stared at the ceiling and kept thinking about that exchange of smiles . As much as I disliked the idea , I had found a new friend in Lucas Harper . That wasn 't what was bothering me though . The issue I was bumping up against was whether or not I would drive him away . He was so different from the people I was friends with . Carly and Henry were just as closed of as I was … I mean am . But Lucas has a warming quality that I was afraid of breaking . I turned over , facing away from Lucas , and started drifting off to sleep . I could hear him lightly snoring from his bed behind me , and for the first time in a while , I let out a genuine laugh . It wasn 't forced or fake . And that 's when I realized that I actually liked Lucas . I was friends with Henry because we were in the same social group and had similar taste in music . I was friends with Carly because we 've been together nearly since birth . And right now , I couldn 't really tell if I actually liked either of them . THANK YOU ! , itc ! Excellent ! Been waiting for this 2nd chapter , and , in the mean time , read " Graduation " ! Now I understand the " tie in " here . Fantastic ! ! I 'm truly enjoying your writing style ! And , especially appreciate your including Aaron 's " inner conversation " with himself . Definitely looking forward to more ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote August 10th , 2009 , 11 : 44 AM Happy to see an addition to the story . I am certain Aaron and Lucas are going to be very good friends . . . . . . . . . . . . hopefully more . Like Littletosay , I wonder if Henry and Jonathan are getting to know each other . . . lol Great chapter ITC ! I felt the vibrations of my phone beneath my pillow . It was just loud enough to wake me , but not enough to stir Lucas out of his sleep . I slowly and quietly changed clothes and left his room . The sun was barely coming up and all I could think of was how much I missed my mother . I clutched the locket that hid beneath my shirt as my breathing became heavy with grief . I looked away from the sunrise and just walked around for a little while . I felt bad for leaving Lucas like that , but it was pointless for me to let myself get close to someone else . I listened to the voice in my head telling me that I had enough . Any more than what I already have would just make things harder . I would have just left it at that , but then I heard a voice I hadn 't heard in a long time . There was a name I hadn 't thought of in years . He was a lot like Lucas , or at least what I 've witnessed from Lucas so far . We complemented each other like cheese and macaroni . Everyone thought we were twins because between the two of us , we knew everything . We were like two halves of an apple . At least , until his dad 's company relocated his family to a small town three states away . That was about two years before I met Henry . If it weren 't for Carly I wouldn 't have even had Henry . But life has been hard enough since then , I don 't need someone else who I am certain will cause me pain one day . The argument in my mind subsided as I once again listened to my negativity and decided that Lucas was too good for me to even try to be his friend . I passed through the doors of my dorm building and saw Henry laying on one of the couches in the lounge . He looked totally smashed from last night . I walked up to him and flicked his ear . When I got him up to his dorm room , I went back downstairs to mine to see if Jonathan was still there . I looked at my watch and it was now 7 : 30 a . m . I poked my head into the room and saw that no one was inside . It reeked of sex so I grabbed the air freshener and just blasted it around the room . I sat on my bed and dropped my head into my hands for a moment . I actually didn 't know Henry as well as I thought . He could have done it himself , but I didn 't want to believe it . I especially didn 't want to because it was our usually breakfast day . It was the only morning the three of us had off at the same time , so we went to the local IHOP and caught up with the week 's events . I shoved my sausages into my mouth and listened to Carly drone on about her and Mike . I honestly couldn 't care less , but as usual I feigned interest and kept any conflict to a minimum . At any second I expected my thoughts to drift away from Carly incessant yammering . And there it was . I forgot my wallet . I don 't even remember where I put it . I felt around all my pockets and nothing . Thankfully it was Carly 's day to pay so I didn 't have to worry as much . * * * I sat down in my chair near the door and planted my face in my arms . I absolutely hated this class . Well , more the professor than the class . He and I were total opposites and we viewed the world completely differently . We constantly argued about the " meaning " of everything since I just believe that the world is in constant chaos and things just happen . We never agreed on anything and being the asshole I am , I always had to argue my point until both of us gave up , or he kicked me out of the class . He walked away towards the back of the room . I saw him sit down in the back row and felt a rush of guilt overwhelm me . I got up and went to sit next to him . " I just assigned a report . You partner up with someone you don 't know or barely know and study them . Then you write a full report about why you think they are the way they are , " he said . I looked at Lucas and he looked back at me . A smile began to penetrate the stern look on his face that he was holding for so long , but he quickly stopped it . I held up my hand to ask a question and Robbins took a deep breath . I smiled when he turned away . I don 't know what made me feel better , freaking out the entire class , or having an academic reason to be friends with Lucas . I turned to Lucas with the smile still on my face and saw the shock on his . He stared at me in disbelief as I chuckled at everyone 's confusion . When class was dismissed , Lucas and I walked towards the parking lot together . There was silence between us that I wanted him to be the one to break . I wanted to think of something to say , but my mind was running on empty . " I 'm sorry , I really can 't . I promised Carly I 'd go see that counselor again . I have to go around 6 : 30 . " I said . I was . The first genuine smile on my face in two years , and Lucas was causing it . I had no idea what that actually meant . I just knew that I wanted to be around Lucas as much as I possibly could . We sat down at one of the tables outside . The light breeze swept through the little junction of stores . Lucas jumped face first into his sandwich while I slowly picked at my pasta . " Ok , " I said pulling the small locket out from under my shirt collar , " This locket belonged to my mother . She bought it one day when we went to Sea World . She always loved dolphins and when she saw this … she said it was the third time in her life that she was absolutely certain about something she wanted . " " I found it one day shortly before I left for school , and I put a picture of her in it . I wear it everyday to remind myself that what I 'm doing is important for me . No matter how far away I am , when I 'm wearing this locket I feel like I 'm right where I belong . " " Alright well , when I was a kid I always wanted to have a dog . My neighbor had a Doberman puppy and I was absolutely in love with it . But my dad was crazy allergic to dog hair , so we couldn 't have one , " he said . " Yeah … so anyway , when I was like 8 or 9 , my dad had a business trip up in Lake Tahoe , so my parents decided to just make it into a family vacation since it was during the summer . My mom and I were walking down a little junction of stores and I walked by this toy store . I looked in the window and saw this little Doberman Beanie Baby , " he said . " I know , I know , guys and Beanie Babies just don 't really mix , but I was just a kid . I begged my mom for like 20 minutes to buy it for me until she was finally convinced that it would keep me from begging for a real dog . As soon as I got it in my arms , I was never apart from it . I loved that dog so much , " he said . I looked at Lucas completely differently . The compassion and kindness that he had wasn 't something he did voluntarily . From his story , I could tell that it was just natural for him . I smiled back at him and nodded . At that moment , it was like everything slowed down . I looked into his bright hazel eyes and saw the vulnerability . I wasn 't looking at his vulnerability , but I could see myself in the reflection of his eyes . I was looking at mine . I had never told anyone about the locket I held with me everyday . I never reached that level of connection with anyone . And yet , here I sat with a near stranger , and I just spilled information about one of my greatest possessions without much provocation from him . It was like that deal between us established a trust that would take most people years to build . We instantly had a " You give , I give " connection . It felt amazing not only to trust someone so easily , but also to be trusted by that person with the same level of ease . I felt different , almost refreshed . I could feel the changes happening inside me . The warmth I locked away so many years ago was bubbling to the surface and pushing out the cold , logical , and emotionless version of me . That was an amazing chapter . I 'm really feeling for Luke and Aaron now . Hopefully they 'll get to be better friends . . . if Aaron 's head doesn 't do him in . What a great story - so well written ! I love the way you let us in to AAron 's inner voices . . . and I could feel the connection happening - blossoming ! I am an incurable romantic - I am loving this ! ! ! Hugs ! Reply With Quote August 15th , 2009 , 09 : 00 PM That was a wonderfully warm and touching chapter . Trust like that does not come easily . I have a feeling Aaron is going to be a little more reasonable with the counselor . He has something important to relay this time . Luke has that inner connection that anyone would be happy to share . Obviously he has some of the same concerns regarding friendships that Aaron has . I like the way things are going in this story . Eager to read the next chapter . Hey guys , so this chapter is a bit shorter but I wanted to get this part out of the way as soon as possible . I think I 've allowed you all get a better feel for Aaron in this chapter and I 'm going to bring in a few subtle hints and a few not so subtle hints with the next few chapters . Enjoy Wings of A Butterfly Veronica looked at me through her black rimmed glasses as I sat in the chair across from her . I subtly looked around the room to try and get a read on her in case I needed some ammo . She offered me a glass of tea , which I reluctantly accepted . Veronica examined me for a moment , as if to check for subtle hints that could actually lead her somewhere . She picked up her cup and sipped at her tea with her eyes closed . When she opened her eyes it was like a fire had been lit in her soul . She held more energy in them , as if she found something she could use . " I believe you agreed because you value your relationship with Carly , but you 're afraid of feeling vulnerable with another human being . So you fight them every step of the way , but you still end up doing things for them . You do it so you appear to care about them , but to also tell them that you wish you didn 't , " she said . " You think you know me after talking to me twice ? Well let me tell you something , you don 't know a thing about me . So you can sit up here in your little room with all your credentials hanging up on the wall and listen to other people complain about their problems . But me , I 'm going out there . I 'm going to do something that actually matters to the world . So you can take your assumptions about me and shove them up your ass because you have no idea why I am the way that I am . " I bolted out of my seat and stormed over towards the door . She was up and at the door faster than I could reach it . She held her hand against the door as I was trying to open it and storm out of the room . She looked calmly into my eyes and somehow forced the rage that was boiling under my skin to subside . She slowly walked back to her seat . As she sat down she motioned toward the chair for me to sit back down . I turned to face her and crossed my arms . " Before you can face whatever makes you afraid of connecting with other people , you need to tell at least one person what it is , " she said , " It doesn 't have to be me , it can be anyone . But until you tell someone , you 'll always be afraid of it . You 'll keep pushing people out of your life just as you 're about to get close to them . " Defeated , I walked back over to the chair across from her . I stared directly into her dark blue eyes . There was no anger or judgment in them . There was no hostility or restraint in mine either . I couldn 't see it , but I definitely felt it . " Aaron , there is no need for an apology . What you did was a classic outburst . In a way , it made it easier to see who you really are underneath this façade you portray , " she said . She looked up at me with confusion on her face . Her lips pursed and her brow wrinkled with intense thought . I noticed her right hand start flipping her pen around her fingers , something that my Psych professor said people do when they are working something over in their mind . She paused for a second . She put down her sandwich and kept her eyes low . She placed her arms on the table across her chest . Her eyes slowly looked up into mine and examined me for a moment . " Aaron , you haven 't been involved with any girl that I know of since I met you . You haven 't given any reason to believe that you 're straight . You 've never even stated whether you were straight or not . So yeah , I can believe that she may have thought so . " I grabbed my things and walked away . The wind was blowing gently , so I decided to follow it and see where it took me . I really didn 't care . It was Friday afternoon , and two days since I last saw Lucas . Me , being the idiot that I am , forgot to get his number . And both times I knocked on his door were not answered . I was walking by the Science and Health Studies building when a door opened and nearly hit me in the face . A crowd of students flew out the door and poured into the courtyard . Politely , I held the door open and waited for every last one of them to leave the room . The last person to leave was the last person I expected it to be . I rolled my eyes and pushed his shoulder . I didn 't even know where we were walking to , but we ended up at the east parking lot . I looked around for a moment in silence while standing next to Lucas waiting for the crosswalk to turn . He smiled and walked across the street with his golden hair being brushed by the light wind . As he walked away , I noticed he was slightly limping . I pushed it into the back of my mind for now and walked off towards the corner store with a small grin on my face . Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote August 17th , 2009 , 09 : 50 AM That was a very thought provoking chapter . It 's obvious Aaron can 't always stay on his sarcastic path . The counselor broke through and Luke has as well . He 's really not a bad ass after all . Now he has to come to terms with his sexuality and I hope Luke will begin that journey with him soon . Thanks for the update and looking for the next . Thanks for the speedy update . . . if only I could crank out quality work that quickly haha . I 'm VERY excited for the next chapter and to find out what this limp was all about . More more more ! ! ! Irish I knocked on his door three times , each knock slightly lower on the door than the other . I never noticed that I did it until now . Something about Lucas made me more aware of anything I did . Even my little weird things like my knock . The pizza in my left hand was starting to make my palm sweat , or at least that 's what I convinced myself was making it sweat . He opened the door and smiled at me . I opened the box and we each grabbed a slice . I sat back down in his chair and he flopped down on his bed and ate the slice in seconds . I laughed at him and he smiled awkwardly at me . A moment of silence passed between us as we ate . His eyes were glued to the ground and I could tell he was thinking of something that he wasn 't sure about saying . After I finished my slice , I took a deep breath . " Well it got me thinking , " he said , " And I thought about it all day . I 'm not trying to pry you for information or anything , but if you want we could make another deal . You tell me something , I 'll tell you something . " Lucas sat up and sat on the edge of his bed . He stared into my eyes and somehow , I felt a little better . The pain in my chest went away and I was able to hold the tears back a little better than before . " I came home from school one day and found her unconscious in the kitchen . I called 911 but it was too late . I found my mother dead that day . " " She worked so hard for me . She worked so hard to give me a good life … " I said , " But she never thought about what would happen to me if she was gone . " That did it . The tears pushed themselves out of my eyes and I fell forward into myself . Lucas stood up and kneeled down in front of me and caught me before I collapsed . He held me and I cried on his shoulder . " Aaron , that 's ok , " he said . He pulled me away from him and looked directly into my eyes . He placed both hands firmly , but gently , on my shoulders . " She obviously didn 't want you to know until it happened , " he said , " She was probably so scared about leaving you . She probably didn 't want you to have to live every single day in fear , and then have grief on top of that feeling after she died . It 's not wrong for you to be angry , but she probably didn 't tell you because of what knowing that she was going to die would do to you . " He looked firmly into my eyes . I could see his fixation , and from that I could tell that he did genuinely care about me . In my mind , I saw myself drowning . I couldn 't keep myself afloat , even though I had people around me trying to pull me out of the water . I was just about to give up and let myself fall beneath the surface , when I felt a hand grab my arm and lift me up . I looked into the eyes of my rescuer . The bright hazel colored eyes that penetrated my soul and brought down every barrier I had built . I looked back into his eyes and felt the pain be washed away . The tears stopped and I regained my composition . I took several deep breaths and calmed myself down . I sat up straight , never looking away from Lucas ' eyes . They made me feel safe . I nodded at him , but remained silent . I didn 't know what to do now . This was the most vulnerable I 've ever felt in my life . For the first time since my mom 's funeral , I cried in front of another person . I knew he felt the tension boiling inside me , so he wrapped his arms around me again to comfort me . I got up and put the movie in and pressed play . I sat back into the chair and he moved back onto his bed . I noticed he kept looking at me as if I were about to shatter into a million pieces . He walked over to his bookshelf , and I noticed his slight limp again . He turned around smiling with the case of October Sky in his hands . I must have had a worried look on my face or something because his smile disappeared and his eyes glazed over a bit . " It 's ok , " he said , " I talked to Jonathan this morning and he told me everything . He seemed so proud of it , so I yelled at him . Then he said , ' It 's not like I raped him or anything , ' and the next thing I knew , my fist flew into his face . I knocked him on the ground and he kicked me in the hip when I leaned in to help him up . " I smiled at him and he smiled back . At that moment , I felt like we were floating in a space of nothingness . There was nothing to worry about except whether or not we were flying or falling . That 's how it was with Lucas . I could be flying or falling , and it would make no difference to me . It was a challenge to be open with him , but at the same time I felt completely safe . We watched the movie in near silence . Apparently we both loved this movie so much that we could nearly recite the script . I swear at one point I saw him mouthing some of the words . But he just blushed and looked away from me . Lucas made me feel different than my other friends did . I didn 't have to worry about what I said or how I said it . I didn 't have to worry about whether or not I stepped on his toes . I didn 't have to worry about anything really . All I had to do was be myself and let him see my vulnerable side every once in a while . * * * It was nearly 11 at night when I got back to my dorm room . Jonathan was sitting at his desk . I could see very clearly where Lucas clocked him . I couldn 't help but smirk a little about it . " Look you little shit , " I said , " I really don 't care if you do drugs . You can OD on the shit for all I care . But if you EVER slip any of my friends any drugs again without them knowing about it , I swear to God I will rip off your balls and shove em down your throat . " " Do you have any idea what I did to people like you at my high school ? " I asked , " Well it would be NOTHING compared to what I would do to you if you came within 5 feet of Henry ever again . Do you understand me ? " He nodded with fear . I released my grip on his shirt and walked away from him . I didn 't hear him move at all , but when I looked back he was opening the door to leave . Wow ! How great to see Aaron being so vulnerable in telling Luke about his mother . Trusting another person so deeply takes a lot of fortitude . Then , along with Luke , being so protective of another friend . A maturity is growing within him and it suits him well . I like that he and Luke are bonding so well . Awesome chapter , ITC . Great work , ITC ! I love how comfortable he 's becoming with Luke . I can really feel this story going somewhere great ! I also enjoyed how both of them stood up for Henry , especially Aaron who only had Luke 's word on the matter . Aw ! THAT is Fantastic ! ! This is a Good story , itc ! THANK YOU ! Keep smilin ' ! ! Chaz WISDOM is the Knowledge you 've gained . . . After you could have used it ! _ Me Reply With Quote Page 1 of 9

Chris was about nine and we were on our way to dinner on State Street on one of our first visits to Santa Barbara . At the outside patio at Borders Bookstore a group of homeless men had commandeered four or five tables . Some had big backpacks and sleeping bags rolled up nearby . They were mostly white , mostly the age of veterans of some decades - ago war . They looked like a group of old warriors planning a mission against the society that had abandoned them . Two were playing chess . One was a gaunt middle - aged white man with tattoos as weathered as his face , and the other was the only black man in the group . He didn 't look like the others , and not just because he was black . He was bigger and sleeker and better dressed , wearing a black shirt and a black leather cowboy hat with silver medallions around the brim . He was both beautiful and slightly terrifying . He was carrying on a running patter with his opponent and flirting with two young women who seemed to know him and who slowed as they passed by to give him ample time to embellish his flattery . Chris stopped to watch the game . He stood very near the table . Meg and Nick and I hung back a bit , and while Chris watched the game I watched him and the man in the hat and the hard scruffy men gathered around the tables like gulls at the beach . The evening air held the soft coolness of that morning , when I had taken Chris out to try rollerblading on the beach bikeway . He had wanted a bathroom break and we had gone to a public restroom that was almost on the sand . It was early , and men were still lying in their sleeping bags under the palms . As Chris was going into the restroom , a couple of men with pale , wind - burned faces who looked like permanent beach residents were coming out , swearing like sailors , talking so vulgarly and with such an edge of anger and hostility that it made me feel protective of Chris , even though they weren 't talking to him , even though he probably wasn 't paying any attention to them . As if I had just been appointed beach - decorum police , I told them to knock it off . Not the brightest thing to do . One of them came over and asked what my problem was . I said something imprudent , again , and he said " Seriously ? " in a way any man would understand to mean " Do you really want me to slice out your liver right here ? " My heart was racing with the need to run or kick him in the balls , and my mind was racing with the image of Chris coming out of the bathroom and finding me bleeding on the concrete . While I was considering how to manage a dignified retreat , the other guy tapped his friend on the shoulder and said " Come on , let 's leave the tourists alone . " That was my introduction to the bums of Santa Barbara . This was their little piece of paradise , not mine . Even the charming patio area outside the bookstore had now been turned into their private lounge . When the game was over , the skinny white guy scooted his chair back from the table and put his hands on his knees and sat shaking his head . The big man in the hat began setting up the black pieces in front of him . The knights looked like they had ridden in from another set entirely . One of the pawns was headless . When he had finished , he looked up at Chris and asked if he would like to play . I wasn 't so keen on Chris settling into a homeless encampment , but the man had a surprisingly kind face . His voice was deep and gentle . He didn 't seem to want to know what my problem was . For his part , Chris didn 't hesitate . He sat down and started setting up the white pieces ; the loser of the prior game chuckled to himself and pulled up another chair to watch . The big man extended his hand and said his name was Mason . Chris 's hand was small and pale in Mason 's rough mitt . Chris said his name and moved his king 's pawn two spaces . Mason responded with his king 's pawn and they each made their first three or four moves with quick precision , as if they had been choreographed , which in a way they had , both players trying to gain control of the center of the board , moving their troops into position for the coming battle . Meg and Nick and I stood around watching for a while . I felt a little self - conscious just standing there gawking , but I also felt proud that my very young son was playing chess against a grown man and , although I hate to admit it , proud that he was playing chess with a homeless man , among other homeless men : Some of you may not want us in your paradise , but we are bigger than that . We are not consumed by your rage and bitterness . We don 't think ourselves too good to sit down with you . We are not afraid of you . Which , of course , I had been that very morning . Watching them play , listening to Mason 's gentle banter , watching the attentive way his last opponent followed the game , I began to see the chess board and not the homeless men . It was getting to be past time for our dinner reservation , and yet I hated to take Chris away from the game , so I suggested that the rest of us go check in at the restaurant , which was directly across the street . I thought we might get an outside table where we could keep an eye on Chris while giving him some space to do his thing - - - he doesn 't like to be hovered over while he 's playing , at least not by me . I pointed at the restaurant and said he should join us there when he was through playing . Mason looked up at me and smiled and said , " Don 't worry , this will be quick . " We got a table and our drinks and ordered dinner and Chris and Mason were still playing . Long game , I thought . I went back across the street to check on him , with the excuse that I wanted to make sure what we had ordered for all of us to sample and share was all right with him . It turns out they were already on their third game . Mason had lost the first two and had asked for re - matches . Chris had been beating me for a year by then , so I felt Mason 's pain , especially when it became obvious from the positions on the board that he was about to lose again . I stayed and watched the end of the game and told Chris it was time to go . He would have stayed , and Mason would have kept playing . That was the beginning of something like a friendship between Mason B . Mason , an ambiguously housed man , and our family . Mason had dreams of doing children 's television programing , but he made his living as a street musician . He was a pretty good blues singer , and a showman . Every time we came to town , usually a few times a year , we would look for Mason where he would be playing his guitar and singing at the farmers ' market . One year we bought Mason a new chess set . The boys wrote a note on the back of the board and signed it . When we couldn 't find him to give it to him , a friend told us he was in jail on an old assault - and - battery charge . I called the local prosecutor to see what the deal was . He said Mason was unstable and had a history of violence . The next summer Mason was back at the farmers ' market . We gave him the chess set and he handled it like it was gold . We listened to him sing and in between songs he told us a little about his problems with the local gendarmes . The Santa Barbara police were fascists , he said , who persecuted the homeless to keep Santa Barbara looking like Disneyland . A few years later , we lost track of Mason again . Afraid he was back in jail , I asked around . It was worse than jail . He was dead . He had gotten cancer and died quickly . It was shocking , really , for all of us , to come back and find him just gone like that . I realized then that I had known so little about him . The one thing I had known , though , the thing that was most important to me , was how he would treat my sons . After we moved to Palo Alto , I took Chris up to San Francisco to try his hand at playing chess on Market Street . He was sixteen by then and had a closet full of chess trophies . I had seen a story in the San Francisco newspaper about a man who set up a dozen chess boards every day at Fifth and Market . The crowd that came to play and watch was an unlikely mix of Zen masters and street punks . Anyone could play . By custom , the looser paid the table fee , a dollar a game . Some of the old men looked like they had been playing on that broad brick sidewalk all their lives . Others , younger and tougher , might have been taking a break from knocking over a convenience store . We stood around watching the games , and when a place at a board opened up , Chris sat down . The young black man he was going to play stayed slouched in his chair , his long legs splayed out under the table , as he picked up one black and one white pawn and wrapped them in his hands and held out his fists for Chris to tap : black or white . I watched the start of the game and then , still practicing not hovering , walked around and checked out a few other games and finally bought a soda from a market nearby and stood leaning against a wall near the old man who rented the tables , twenty yards or so from Chris , close enough to see but not to watch . Men came and went , players , kibitzers , friends , accomplices . Either they didn 't notice me or I didn 't look like The Man , or maybe they just didn 't give a damn , because some of what they said to each other if repeated to a jury would have been good for five to ten . The distinctive aroma of weed wafted by once or twice . I didn 't get the impression that any of them were homeless , but they were all definitely at home on the street . Chris and the young man were playing speed chess , using a timer that gave each of them a very short time to make each move . Turbo chess . You have to think fast , more react than think ; it 's easy to make a fatal mistake . They were playing intently , the young man not slouching now as they both leaned aggressively toward the board , smiling , talking a bit of trash , making their moves like thrusting spears . Every once in a while one of them would laugh out loud . After about an hour , Chris got up and they shook hands and he came over to where I was . From the big smile on his face , I was expecting him to tell me he 'd had another Mason B . Mason - like triumph . But not this time . The guy had cleaned his clock . Chris said he 'd been close in one game , not so much in the others . So , what is it about chess and people on the street ? It 's a funny game for a homeless man with violence issues or a tough city kid , don 't you think ? The game of kings , it used to be called . Whatever you think about who you 'd expect to be playing , it 's a great leveler . Your chess game is only as good as your mind ; and your mind is as good as your chess game . I can 't tell you how many bums I 've ignored over my lifetime , how many more I 've wished I just didn 't see . I don 't know whether to give them money or look the other way . Or hand out cards saying I give regularly to the local food bank . Some Thanksgivings Meg and I take sandwich bags of turkey and dressing and twenty dollar bills to homeless people in the park . Other times I 've called the cops on some scary lunatic who 's raving at passersby . And yet , when I see a policeman hassling someone with a suitcase and bad hair who has taken up residence on a sidewalk bench , I am apt to go all civil libertarian : Wait a minute , he has a right to be here , this is America . I 'm a mass of contradictions . There are crazy people out there . Drunks and addicts sleeping in the parks . Tough kids gathering on tough street corners . Dangerous people . Desperate people . But some of them are chess players . Some of them wanted to play chess with my son , and he with them . I don 't know how to write about this , or even if I should , but I 'm annoyed and a little sad and don 't know what else to do . What I want to say is this : " Kids , don 't listen to us when we mock you . Don 't listen to anyone who does that . We 're the idiots . Not you . " I read a political essay on KQED , the local NPR affiliate , the other day , so naturally as soon as it aired I started reading the comments . They were all fine , except for one snarky one , to which I posted a snappy rejoinder . Bring it on , baby . So that I wouldn 't feel completely egocentric , I read some of the other essays . They were all thoughtful . The one after mine was by a sophomore in high school who said that in the results - oriented world he inhabits the quest for knowledge for its own sake takes a back seat to careers that make concrete contributions . He 's working hard to try to be a doctor or engineer , someone who could see the fruits of his labor in real time . He said he wouldn 't mind making big money too , something he thinks is not possible in pure science . From many of the comments on his essay , you 'd have thought he had revealed a fool - proof way to cheat on the SAT . He was accused of being greedy and of " gaming the system . " He was told by one commenter , in what almost seemed like a threat , that the commenter had friends on the admissions committees of all the Ivy League schools and the boy would never get in . What the hell ! This is a sixteen year old kid who is working hard to get good grades and hoping to go to a good college and succeed in the all - American way , and who , by the way , has taken time out to write an essay for NPR , to join the public discourse on education and its goals . And he 's attacked by adult males . I just don 't understand it . Why the vitriol ? It makes you wonder whether life has disappointed them to the point that they just can 't see past their cynicism . Bullying by schoolmates is not new . It 's cruel and we need to do the best we can to stop it and to give kids a safe place to go when it happens to them . But bullying of kids by adults is right up there with sociopathic serial killing , as far as I am concerned . And that 's what those comments on that poor boy 's NPR essay amounted to : bullying . Kids think in extremes . That 's why they come up with all the good ideas . And plenty of bad ones too . Trying to corral them into our cultural and intellectual framework like they were domestic pack animals running wild is wrong . Let them run , for God 's sake . Most of them will end up in the pen with the rest of us soon enough . If we 're lucky , a few will discover greener pastures for us all . My father came to visit me this afternoon . I was sitting in a coffee shop , staring off into space , thinking about what to write , half - listening to the two girls behind me talking about their boyfriends , when he came walking in the door . The sun was glaring off the windshield of a car in the parking lot and at first I thought it was a trick of the light , but it was him . He looked just the same , a little older but not much , and maybe even that was more a failure of my imagination than an actual change in him . He pulled up a chair and sat down like he thought I would be expecting him . What do you say to a man you haven 't seen in so long ? A man you worshiped as a boy , but who turned out to be someone different than the father who raised you . Not different to you , but to others . Different in a way that was not so much hard to understand as hard to accept . We had this family whistle , passed on from grandfather to father to son , three notes - - - up , down , up - - - like you might hear from a songbird . When one of us whistled from across the golf course , other golfers would think it was a mockingbird or a dove . Only we knew what it was . A love song . I thought he might look away at my bluntness , but he didn 't . I don 't know why I thought he might . He never had . He shook a cigarette out of the pack and thumped one end on the table to pack down the tobacco . I wondered if he still had the silver zippo lighter I 'd given him . He held the cigarette between his fingers but made no move to light it . He just looked at me . He had this way of looking at you with just his eyes . His head would be almost bowed and he would look up , as if from reading , and all you could see would be his eyes . They were blue and cold . He wasn 't cold , at least I didn 't think so , but his eyes were , or not his eyes , exactly , but the unrelenting way he looked at you . He laughed that way he did , a series of quick little sneezes . I always thought it was a cool way to laugh , even emulated it myself when I was a boy . It sounded like a pig routing around in garbage . He cocked his head slightly . I thought I saw a flicker of a smile , but he was sucking air through the little gap in his front teeth the way he used to , and maybe it was just the way he set his mouth to do that . His lips were pale . I waited , but he didn 't speak . He never went to church . I never did either . I wanted to be just like him . I wanted to ask him now if he had found religion in those last hours . If he had seen Jesus . If he had asked him for forgiveness . Of course , Jesus had nothing to do with it . It was my mother he should have asked for forgiveness . Not just for Susan . Not even for all the other women I found out about gradually over the years after he was gone , the ones who came around looking lost , looking like they needed someone to whom to confess . I don 't know if they saw my father in me . I don 't look like him . He said he had to go to the bathroom . I pointed to the corner where it was and he got up and went there . He was wearing a grey Harris Tweed sport coat , even though it was very warm outside . She lived the last thirty - five years of her life alone , growing stronger each year . By the time she died , she was the mother I remembered , the one who drove me to Florida where my dad would be stationed in the Navy . We rode in an old Dodge and the windows were all open , the radio playing loud , and she was singing . I was five . I kept holding my little blue woolen cap out the window , watching it flap in the wind . It blew out of my hand and she stopped and went back for it and brushed off the dirt and gave it back to me . We got going again and I held it out the window . She laughed and told me she wouldn 't stop again . It blew out of my hand , or maybe I let it go , to test her , to test myself . She didn 't stop . She didn 't scold me . She smiled at me and patted my bare head , as if to reassure me that she understood my need and respected it , even if she could not indulge it . When Dad didn 't come back after a while , I went to the restroom and knocked on the door . No answer . I knocked again , harder . I was wondering if he was all right . I called out to him , tested the door . It was unlocked . No one was in there . The bathroom smelled like cigarette smoke , I thought , but that could have just been my imagination . It was nearly time to leave for preschool , and Nick was still in his pajamas . I had made him a good breakfast - - - with fruit , always with fruit - - - and he was eating slowly , pouring syrup over his French toast , rubbing his fork around in it , like he had all the time in the world before we had to leave . I told him he had better hurry , that he still had to dress . He looked up at me over a dripping forkful and said it was pajama day . Now , you have to understand , I didn 't know Nick as well then as I do now . I knew little boys aren 't always paragons of veracity , not because they mean to do anything wrong , just because the truth doesn 't always fit into their plans , and they haven 't yet figured out that in the long run they can get away with more if they tell the truth most of the time and save the tiny distortions ( or whoppers , depending on your point of view ) for really important escapades . I assumed he just didn 't want to hurry through breakfast or maybe thought it would be larky to go to preschool in his PJs . He was , after all , showing his theatrical tendencies by then . Like any sensible dad , I made him dress and took him to preschool , a lovely little church school with teachers who all looked like the Virgin Mary . And Yea Verily , it was Pajama Day . All these little towheads running around in fuzzy bear slippers and nightshirts . To Nick 's credit ( and this is the way he is to this day ) , he didn 't say " I told you so , " but I was so ashamed for doubting him , and for the prospect of his being subjected to the ignominy of being over - dressed ( a particular shame of mine , having grown up in the very proper South before moving to L . A . ) , that I rushed home and got his pajamas for him . I 've never forgotten that day . No , more than that , I can still feel it . Ridiculous , isn 't it ? And it 's not just that day . There was the time Chris had a bike accident on his way home from school . He was riding on the sidewalk and got hit when he crossed an intersection . He didn 't do anything wrong , but somehow I couldn 't shake the feeling that it was my fault . I was the one who 'd suggested he use the sidewalk for safety . If I had told him to ride in the street , would the car have seen him ? Would he have been safer ? Nick is the child who cured me of spanking . I am embarrassed to admit it , but I swatted my kids once in a while . Nick just wouldn 't put up with it . He was about four when he told me it was wrong to hit someone . The way he looked at me , and the moral clarity of what he said , was withering . I still remember my mother coming after me with a belt and me jumping up and down like it was game of skip rope . She was the sweetest woman in the world , and I 'm sure she didn 't crack more than once or twice , when I no doubt richly deserved it , but when I grew up I used to tease her about it . After my gentle but firm scolding by Nick , I realized how cruel I had been to her , how much she must have hurt for that loss of patience in a lifetime of kindness . My grandfather said to me once that some days he lay in bed and regretted every mean thing he had ever done to his children . There is something about being so completely responsible for a little life that is almost too heavy a burden to bear . Not in the bearing , but in the putting down . When you 're in the middle of the struggle , there 's little time for recrimination . There 's always a new day , a new set of decisions , a new chance to do your best . But when you lay the burden down , when they go off to college , say , you have time to think about it all , and that 's when the second - guessing creeps in . If only … I 'm having a light case of that now . Chris and Nick are just off to college and the aloneness is setting in . Meg and I are busy and happy , but there is no little boy to fix breakfast for ; that part of my life , which was so much of it , seems far away . The memories are sharp and clear , but they don 't refresh as often . To be in that life , I have to be in the past , and for some reason it 's hard for me to go back there without wanting to have done it better . It was my job to keep them safe and help them be the best they could , and every failure , even the little ones , comes back to me in memory with the same gravity of a Jemima Puddle Duck dithering away from the nest while the fox eats her eggs . There is hope , though . I no longer have those feelings about my first three children : Cord , Grant and Ashley . They 're all well into adulthood , in Cord 's and Grant 's cases with families of their own . It has been many years since the last of them went off to college , many years since they started making their own decisions about their lives . At first I wanted to help them decide what jobs to take , that sort of thing , but they wanted to make their own choices , and they did . So began the process of liberation , for both child and parent . These days , when something bad happens to one of my grown children , I feel empathy , concern , but not guilt . It has been a long time since I thought about whether making them rake pine needles in the back yard was a form of torture banned by the Geneva Conventions , as Grant maintained . A long time since I wondered if my neglect was responsible for the death of their little black and white Dutch rabbit . So now the waiting begins anew . I have only to be patient . As the years go on , Chris and Nick , strong young men off to make their way in the world , will free me from my melancholy by gently resisting my feeble attempts to guide them . Caring for them as if they were still children is a burden I would gladly take up again , but one I know I must set down and walk away from . He even reminds me of my father . The same blue eyes . The same love of golf and the tan that goes with it . The same smoking habit . The same urge to break out the austerity lecture . Every time I see John Boehner on television , I feel he 's about to tell me to go to my room . Like Speaker Boehner , my father was a sharp dresser who liked a good party . Socially and politically his tastes ran more to Mad Men than Martin Luther King and Robert Kennedy . I can 't say he was never an idealist , but by the time I got to know him he was pretty conservative . Looking back , I 'd have to say that he was a libertarian . Which is not to say he was ungenerous . He didn 't charge patients who couldn 't pay . We got a lot of hams and homemade preserves for the babies he delivered . He was happy to press a twenty - dollar bill into the hand of a man who needed help , but he resented paying taxes to enable the government to do the same . I wish he were still alive so we could revisit our old debate , the central debate in the country today : how much government should we have , and what should it do ? The American Dream is an accident of birth . Those not born into circumstances that offer a chance to take root and grow are likely to dry up and be blown against the back fence with the rest of the litter . John Boehner grew up sweeping out his father 's bar . He knows how to work . Maybe that 's the problem . Maybe he has lost sight of the fact that he had a chance to work at all . His life might have been quite different if his father had been a daily patron of that bar instead of the owner . This suspicion of government persists . And yet , as much as we may long for a simpler time of hobos asking for handouts at the back door , many of the complex problems facing us today can only be dealt with by a central body through which we act collectively . Just as we would not expect private citizens to build roads and dams and schools , we cannot rely on social Darwinism - - - the survival of the fittest - - - to build a civil society that addresses the needs of all of its members . How , then , should we deal with our public servants ? Does it make sense to condemn and belittle them ? Any parent knows the answer to that . Any businessman or woman knows that to motivate performance one must set goals and provide the resources needed to realize of those goals . In the case of government , this means choosing how much we want to help our fellow citizens . We can be humane or we can be heartless , but we must choose . When we stop participating in that choice , we risk losing not only our moral compass but our liberty . And after we have chosen , who should pay for the things government is to provide ? The answer to that is so simple it seems hardly to need expression : those who can afford to . If we are trying to help the less fortunate , it doesn 't make sense to tax them . The government coffers must be filled by those who have money to spare . They may not like it , but they are the only practical source . If we let them convince us that it is not fair for them to pay more , the only choice is to cut back on our goals . Our democracy permits us to play Robin Hood . We can tax the rich to aid the poor . Some argue that this is un - American . Nothing could be further from the truth . This country was founded by settlers who looked after one another . That is how they survived in this wild new land . What would be un - American would be now to abandon our heritage of generosity and selflessness just because the people who need our help today don 't all look and dress the same as we do . The poor are part of us as much as any Jamestown colonist . They came on the same ship of hope . In my boyhood days of sneaking out the bedroom window to carouse at night , it never occurred to me that the window might be locked when I came back home . My parents made an investment in me , because they loved me , of course , but also because that was what a parent did . Those of us with money and political power are the parents now . It is up to us to find a way to help our children , all of them . It is up to us to see that no one is locked out of the bedroom . The rebels in Libya are in retreat again . Qaddafi 's tanks are bearing down on them . A boy of seventeen has come to fight with the rebels . He has only a knife . When asked how he will fight a tank with a knife , he looks heavenward and says Allah will show him the way . The reporter asks him if his mother knows he is there . She does , he says , smiling . She is proud of him . I couldn 't help wondering how I would feel if he were my son . Would I be proud that he was going off to die ? Would I think his death a necessary step along the way to freedom from tyranny ? Instinctively , I think not . Losing a son who is still a boy would be too great a price . But if I were there , if I had lived under that oppression , I think I would feel that boy 's same desperate and reckless passion . I think I would fight . I might even be proud to have my son , even one so young and naive , fight with me . With knives , if that 's all we had . The interview with that boy warrior was aired on PBS , in a segment in which a man and a woman , both intellectuals , debated whether the United States should arm the Libyan rebels . The man said yes . He said Qaddafi would kill them all otherwise . He said that with such a man there was no chance of a negotiated resolution . Pacifists , he said , think wolves are vegetarians . The woman was no pacifist . She was from Liberia , where Charles Taylor ruled so ruthlessly . She knew tyranny . But she argued that it was one thing to seek NATO air strikes to protect civilians , and another to give arms to the civilians we are trying to protect . To children . There are uprisings in many Arab countries now . Will we send arms to them ? She believes that something closer to a peaceful overthrow of a dictator is possible , a kind of strangulation . We should freeze his assets . Cut off his funding . Without money he could not last . Both speakers made their cases well . Both were passionate and pragmatic . I don 't have a strong feeling about which one was right in this particular situation , but I do know that child soldiers are not the way forward . We have seen that in other countries in Africa in the past . Are seeing it still . We saw it in China with Mao 's Red Guard . Hitler 's Youth . When children fight the battles of their fathers , the damage is not just to them and those they kill , the greater damage is to the soul of civilization . First I had a BB gun . A Red Ryder lever action with a leather thong hanging from a gold ring . Then a Crosman CO2 pellet gun . To a twelve - yea . . .

I was in the line up yesterday , at the airport , to check bags and get boarding passes . Joe was returning the rental car and I had been waiting for him to get back . The line up was long and I decided that , given that it takes a bit of time to check in , wheelchair and all , I 'd get in the line up and hope that Joe got back before I reached the front of the line . The baggage cart was loaded down but I was easily able to push it , then me , it , then me , it , then me . I joined the end of the line and slowly , not more slowly than the movement of the line , moved up as space became available . There were people now joining the line behind me . A conversation started between a mom and and dad and a young teen girl . Mom suggested to Dad that he help me with the cart . Dad said that he thought I was doing fine on my own . This let to a spat about generosity and willingness to help out . Mom thought I was struggling with the cart , Dad thought I was doing fine . We reach the part of the line up where I have to turn the cart around to head back the way we came . I can do this , have done it many times . I grab the cart , make the turn , grab my wheels and turn in behind the cart . " He can hear you , you know ! " she said . Her parents stop , look at her , then over at me . " If he wanted help he 'd ask you . Jeeeeeeez ! " I got on the elevator , alone . Just as the door was closing a young man stepped in and scooted beside me . I noticed him when going to the elevator , he had been standing with a small group of other young people , all of whom looked like they lived rough . A voice calls out as the door is closing , " Hold the elevator please ! " I am by the panel so I hit the ' door open ' button and a fellow gets on , slightly older than the youth , maybe early twenties , wearing a very nice suit . He stands for only a second by the younger man , sniffs the air for a second , reaches out and stops the door from closing . He says , " I 'll take the next one . " He gets off . The door closes . The young man beside me doesn 't react to the slight . He knows that he smells of booze and cigarettes and sweat . It 's not a surprise . I don 't react either , everything I can think to say sound , in my mind , as either trite or patronizing . The door opened on the floor we were both going to . I pushed to get off , because I was in position to do so . My front wheels just wouldn 't go over the small lip created by a slightly uneven landing by the elevator . I tried a couple of times . The young ; man stood listlessly beside me , simply waiting . No urgency on his face . I turned to him and asked , " Could you grab hold of the chair and give me a wee push ? " He was now alert . " You want my help ? " His voice was incredulous . " Yeah , if you wouldn 't mind . " He looked at the chair and said , " What do I do ? " I said , " Get behind me , when I ask , just push . " He did as I asked , I put one foot on the floor to give lift and asked him to push on the handles as I pushed on the wheels . I was out . In what I wrote I didn 't give the answer that they worked so hard to get . There were three reasons I didn 't write the answer , first , I 'd written about this before - with answer included and didn 't want to be repeating myself , second , I wanted to demonstrate - for those who hadn 't read the previous post that it really is a hard question for people to get , third , yesterday afternoon I was going to talk about this question in my session on supporting someone who is being bullied and teased and didn 't want to give the answer away here . So . . . the answer . People guess all sorts of reasons why I 'm not bullied all the time . Yet no one has ever questioned the initial reasons . . . when I 'm asked why I 'm bullied , everyone , disabled or not , accept that ' fat ' and ' disabled ' and ' wheelchair user ' and any other attribute to be almost self evident . When in fact the answer gives the lie to that . The reason I am teased only some of the time , not all the time , means , in fact IT CAN ' T BE ABOUT ME . Because if it was , teasing would be constant . Joe and I came into a room that was nearly empty but , once we were in and settled , it began to fill quickly . It was to be a training session for people with intellectual disabilities on bullying and teasing . Joe began his work of preparing the flip chart and arranging the furniture in the front of the room and I looked over my notes , took some calming breaths and listened to the room . You can tell a lot , as a trainer , simply by listening to the room . This one , as it filled with people , also filled with noise . Chatting and joking and positive energy has a sound of it 's own . This room was a good one , it was filled with people glad to be here and glad to be with each other . Right away I knew the group was going to go with me and were prepared to learn and have fun . I know that the topics that I train on , with people with disabilities , are deadly serious : bullying and teasing ; abuse prevention ; rights and responsibilities . But I also know that people learn best when they are laughing , difficult topics can be broached if you bring in a sense of fun and of hope . These folks , they had both in abundance . There are two moments that I wait for in the presentation , for different reasons . Let me tell you about one of them . It 's the moment I ask the group a hard question . It 's not a hard question for people with disabilities . It 's a hard question , period . Here is how the question arises , I tell the group that I get teased and bullied all the time ( which is true ) , and then I ask them why I am teased . They were a kind group and didn 't want to answer but eventually , they described my differences : I 'm fat , I 'm disabled . I 'm in a wheelchair . I said that that list was true , I was all things , I tell them that I 'm going to ask them a very hard question , here it is : I 'm fat all the time ; I 'm disabled all the time ; I 'm in a wheelchair all the time ; but I 'm not teased all the time . Why not ? If my difference is constant , why isn 't the bullying and teasing constant ? They begin with funny answers . " You are asleep in bed sometimes . " " Sometimes the electricity goes out and no one can see you . " But then , the work begins . They test me , to see if I just want them to guess a couple of times then I 'm going to show off by giving the answer - and then they realize that , no , it 's their job to figure it out . They called out answers . The got close to the right answer . They got distracted and went in another direction entirely having good discussion along the way . They were enjoying having their minds work , they were enjoying being the generator of ideas and suggestions . They enjoyed playing ideas off on each other . They enjoyed side conversations about why it might be that I wasn 't teased all the time . They talked about the fact that THEY weren 't teased all the time and tried to figure out the difference between nonteased times and teased times . All this went on at rapid pace . I got to sit there and listen , really listen , to them think , and reason , and figure , and joke and laugh and think again and reason again . A group of people who others think can 't think and can 't reason are doing just that , their words swirling around the room , their ideas slowly unwrapping the question to find the answer . I didn 't even have to say that she got it right . They had been on the path together . They had worked as a group , as a community , towards this . They got it , instantly when she said it . I know he is asleep , but I have to talk to someone . I 'm caged by fear . We are flying to Edmonton in the morning . I had rolled over at about 1 and somehow the anxieties snuck in through the cracks in my eyes . Moments later they were in control . I couldn 't push them away . I couldn 't compartmentalize them . I couldn 't line them up , anxiety by anxiety , fear by fear , and deal with them one at a time . They had formed a chorus , they stood on my chest and took my breath away . They got into my ears and made such noise . I was overwhelmed and I felt lost . I felt the warm of his hand on my shoulder begin to drive the cold fear away . Anxiety took a few more minutes . And , as I waited for them to be fully gone . I fell asleep . Joe hates snakes . Those three words don 't convery his aversion . If he 's flipping through a magazine and accidentally turns to a page where there is a snake , he screams . If we 're looking through channels and come on one with snakes , he screams . If we 're watching a show or a movie and a snake comes on , he screams . If a movie scene with snakes is long , he covers his face looks away and whispers , ' tell me when it 's gone . ' Which I do . This has struck the girls funny ever since they learned of it . And them trying to scare him with a snake has become a kind of tradition . Joe loves it . So , when birthdays come , he knows that there will be a snake drawn in a birthday card , or his name spelled with the J being a snake , or something like that . Getting the snakes . We were going to put snakes , hidden under icing , in Joe 's birthday cake . My mission was to get the snakes . The whole thing almost came to naught because I couldn 't get to the toy store . The Dollar Store only had huge snakes that would never fit on a cake . The clerk , who had shown me where the snakes were , said , " You want it for a birthday cake ? " with horror in her voice . " Yeah , cool , huh ? " I said . So I went over to the mall that has the toy store and found my way blocked by construction , could not get from one side of the mall to the other . I had to go up , and out , and down to an entrance without a door opener and down to that elevator . This was the point at which it almost fell apart , the elevator over there is broken down more than not , it was raining , did I want to go . I went . It was a struggle to decide , but I went . The toy store found me the snakes , the woman who helped me find them , said , " Snakes in icing , awesome ! " I almost invited her to the party . Mike is much better at doing decoration so he and the girls took over the kitchen . I had made a cake , but we had , for this instance , bought cans of icing , both vanilla and chocolate . They were in there working hard . Every now and then one of the girls would come out , look at Joe , and laugh . They 'd go back in and go back to work . Joe looked at me like , " What 's going on ? " He was suspicious . The cake looked beautiful . The snakes were hidden in the brown icing that formed the heart . The cake was brought to Joe to blow out the candles and then cut the first slice . After the candles were done , he started to cut and the knife came into contact with one of the rubber snakes . He said , " What 's this ? " and touched it and pulled it from the icing , letting out a piercing scream ! The girls , and the rest of us , found this very funny , as did Joe when he got over the shock . Suddenly everyone was talking and laughing about the cake . They told Joe that there were two more snakes hidden in there and every time one got pulled out there was more screaming and more laughing . Finally , the snakes are out and the girls are beginning to lick the icing off them . When . . . I got home from work and we headed straight down to the grocery store . Joe had decided that he wanted bangers and mash for supper and that he wanted to eat them while watching either Poirot or Midsummer Murders on Netflix . Then . He wanted to go to bed . We 're both really tired from the travel . It sounded like a perfect birthday for an elderly gent . At the grocery store we quickly found what we wanted , picked out a very small birthday cake , a bigger one will be made today with the help of two little girls who have their own idea of what a ' Joe cake ' should be like . He went this way in the store , I went that way , we met in the middle , with bangers in one hand and a bag of mash in the other . We were good to go . We stopped and checked lottery tickets , picked up a few more , and then were on our way home . All the way there we chatted about our last trip , our upcoming trip and about things that were happening this weekend . We are all going up the tower on Sunday for lunch . It was an easy time . As we sat down in front of the television to watch Poirot work his way through a mystery , it felt nice . To be home . To be together . And just to be having a relaxing time on Joe 's first night of birthday celebrations . Later he said that he thought the universe had given him a gift . " Did you notice , " he said , " we went shopping when it was very busy , we don 't go on Friday because it 's so busy , and there 's no blog to write . Everything was just fine we were just like two people together shopping . " What do you say when everything has already been said about someone else to someone else ? What do you say when words , meant deeply , sound trite ? What do you say when you want to say what Hallmark says but in a way that they haven 't - and can 't ? He turns 63 today . For a couple of months he is older than me . He the old man , me the arm candy . He who dotters and me who wipes dribble . I pamper the Pampered . Yep , it 's a fine couple of months . Speaking a bit louder . Engaging more patience . We play on every stereotype that we see in ourselves in our transition from boys to ' men of a certain age . ' People who see us together can see that his care of me is both gentle and respectful and still , after 8 years of disability , loving . I add that in about disability because the change for me from walking to rolling was enormous . The change for him was equally so . Everything changed all at once . We met at 16 and I was there for his 17th birthday party . A much different affair than we 've planned for tonight . We 've just got home from a long trip and about to leave on another . We 're going to stay home and fall asleep by 7 , maybe 7 : 30 . Dinner ? We haven 't decided . It doesn 't matter . It will get figured . Joe and I went to the Opera . It was in the movie theatre , but it 's still the Opera . It was general seating so we went early to ensure we got to sit together . When we arrived none of the four wheelchair seating spaces were taken , so we had our choice . We chose to sit at the one closest to the middle of the screen . I 'm used to , at home , always having to sit on either the far right or far left of the screen . The luxury that Americans have to sit in the middle , or near the middle , is amazing to me . We got in and settled . A few minutes later a patron , who was sitting directly behind us , tapped Joe on his shoulder and said , " Could you please move him over to the far side , he 's very tall . " Joe said , " Ask him . " A face turned to me and said , " You are very tall , could you sit over there , and pointed to the seat at the far side . I looked back at a theatre much less than half full . I looked at all the seats that there were for non disabled people to choose to sit . I said , " I 'm going to stay here , but I 'll get my other chair , I sit lower in it . " Joe zipped out to the car and got my manual chair , I sit 4 to 5 inches lower in that chair . While he was gone I moved my power chair out of the way and parked it . Joe came in , helped me transfer into the manual and then we went back to our seats . We figured that was that and we would settle into our seats . I was shocked because there was no way that that patron couldn 't see over me . The theatre had disabled seating immediately in front of a raised platform , the seats began there . You had to walk up stairs to get to the row behind . I said , " I am really sorry , but you have a lot of choices of where to sit . I don 't . I 'd like to sit here . If you would like to move up and back , please do . But this here , it 's my seat . " A few seconds later we heard the patron move one seat over , behind Joe , closer to the centre of the screen . One seat over . We were asked to move way over to the side of the screen , and all that was needed was a shift of one seat . When it was over we had to wait until nearly everyone was gone , while we waited , Joe went up to the seat behind me to see if I had really been in the way . He said that , from that vantage point looking at the screen , even down to the subtitles , I was not in the way . " I don 't even the that you 'd have been in the way in the power chair either , " he said . Finally , it was clear enough so that we could get me back over to my chair , help me transfer in , and then leave . So I wasn 't asked to move because of sight lines , I was asked to move to be out of sight , off to the side , in the margins of the theatre . Yesterday I was doing the keynote speech at a conference in Pennsylvania . When I had arrived at the hotel for check in I noticed that there were a lot of people with intellectual disabilities there and there was an excited buzz in the lobby and conference area . I went back to my room to prepare for my speech and I began to think about the keynote . I thought about how people with disabilities might feel in a room with a guy talking , no graphics , no power point , no visuals to amplify the material . So the next morning , before giving the speech , I spoke to the organizers and told them that when I was booked I didn 't realize that I 'd be speaking to an audience of both people with disabilities and those who support them . I explained about how , when I have an integrated audience , I like to give an integrated keynote wherein I use both lecture and role play all at the same time . I take some of the stories and turn them into a skit and have people with disabilities , and others if necessary , volunteer to play out roles . She thought it was a great idea and gave me the go ahead . When it came to the first role play , which was to demonstrate that people with disabilities have to walk the walk they need to walk and that we support them in that walk ; we don 't take the walk from them . We don 't take the experience way . We don 't fight battles that aren 't ours to fight . I asked for three volunteers and suddenly I had 10 people with disabilities up front with me . Quick adaption is the name of the game , so it was set up . The audience and those doing the roll plays got into what they were doing and it was so much fun . When the volunteers took a bow , the audience roared their support . Then they made their way to their seats . All but one . A woman with Williams Syndrome stood alone , a few feet to my right . She was waiting for the others to sit . When they had , she gave a short but impassioned speech . So , I 'm coming back to my hotel room . Down at the other end of the hallway a door opens and two people . dressed up for the evening , come out of their room and head towards me . As we get closer , I pull over to the right side , as they were walking on the left , to ensure that they had plenty of room to pass . I know they had plenty of room to pass , I 'd gone by a loaded down housekeepers cart on my way by already . Just before we meet , they startle the hell out of me by dashing in front of me , right in front of me , into an alcove created in the hallway at door entrances . I have to immediately pull to the left as now , if I continued straight , I 'd hit them . Why ? Because they are leaning out smiling at me . Faces shining because they 've done something nice for me . Their faces looked at me in anticipation as I drew close and then shock when I went by , silently . They knew I 'd seen them . Their gesture was obvious . I had wanted something from them - to walk by me normally , and they wanted something from me , to confirm that they are wonderful people . I 've met Justin Trudeau , briefly , twice over the last couple of years . As he is now fighting to become Canada 's next Prime Minister , I wanted to write about those two meetings . The first was after Church on Church , which is a huge service held , yearly , by Metropolitan Community Church of Toronto . It is an event which a lot of community leaders attend . It 's not uncommon to see leaders of both the Liberal Party and the New Democratic Party sitting right up front . This picture was taken shortly after the service ended . Mr . Trudeau was passing by in front of me and I called out to him , asking him if he could pause for a picture with Ruby and Sadie . Though he was being rushed along by those surrounding him , he heard me . Looked over at me , and then something odd happened . He didn 't simply dismiss my request . As a disabled fat man , I 'm used to being disregarded and unheard , so I was taken aback . He had to shake off those insisting on him rushing out . He came over and I began organizing the picture of him with the kids . He said , " Well , why aren 't you going to be in the picture ? " I mumbled something about needing to take the picture and he laughed and said , " I 've got people who can help with that . " With that he handed the camera to one of the people with him and knelt down beside me , put his arm around the back of my chair and , when Ruby and Sadie were in place , the shot was taken . I thanked him , he graciously thanked me for wanting the picture . I know this is the kind of thing that politicians do . But there was a genuineness in the interaction that left me feeling like Mr . Trudeau was a different sort of guy . Not a different sort of politician , but a different sort of person , one who managed to see difference differently . The next time I met him was the following Pride day . We were going up Ted Rogers Way towards the gathering point for groups who were organizing themselves to be in the parade . I was slowly making my way up the sidewalk to join my group . Behind me surged a group of people carrying Liberal Party signs and wearing Liberal Party tee shirts . They were clearly rushing . They flowed by me , making it difficult for me to navigate , in my larger than normal , power chair . I felt very in the way . I looked up at one young and earnest face and apologized , as I do , both because I 'm disabled and used to apology and because I 'm Canadian and it 's in my \ DNA . A voice spoke behind me . " You don 't need to apologize , we do . " I looked back and saw that it was Mr . Trudeau . As he approached me he stated that it was they who were rushing by me , it was them making the sidewalk overcrowded , I nodded and said , " Well everyone is rushing right now . " He said that that was gracious of me but people needed to be respectful of my right to space too . I 've written before about the massive design flaw on my power wheelchair , and that flaw causes me , oddly , to come into contact with some of the nicest people . You see the problem is the tires . They 've made it so that an ordinary human mortal , with regular kind of tools , can 't put air in the tires . I guess that would be WAY to convenient for those of us who roll around on tires to actually be able to put air in those tires . As a result , when the tires get low , I have to seek out a mechanic or a tire specialist of some sort and ask if they would mind taking a few minutes - because it 's hard for them to do too - to pump me up . Here 's the thing , no one , any where , has let me pay for the service . They all insist it 's too small a job to charge for , or that it 's no big deal , or that , as one guy insists , it 's a nice break from the routine . We left Toronto on this road trip knowing that my tires were dangerously low . As a result the steering became sluggish , carpets became really hard to navigate and backing up was powerfully slow . I knew , just knew , that we should have gone and got them filled where we usually go . I held back because that 's the only place I go and I hate having to go and ask them a few times a year . Not because they raise a complaint but because I feel like I 'm bothering them . People don 't have to make you feel a bother for you to feel a bother . Well , yesterday we were leaving a mall and I spotted a Firestone Store and , even though it was late and we were both tired , I , on impulse , said , " Let 's go see if they will do my tires . " Joe missed the turn into the store but we were determined now so we went round the block and found our way in . Joe pulled up by the entrance , went in , I saw him waiting in line to ask if they would do wheelchair tires . When he got to the front of the line , he was there only seconds . The man behind the desk , said they would help , no question . We pulled up to where I thought I would get out but the mechanic just waved us over , had me unclamped while in the van so I could move around for him to get at the tires . First one side , then the other , and it was done . It 's weird sitting in a chair that 's getting tires pumped , You rise up on one side , then the other . We thanked him , he brushed off the thanks , and , after clamping me back down , we drove off with tires perfectly filled . Outside my hotel room window stands two maple trees which have been set ablaze by the season . They are surrounded by golds and greens and burgundies . I 've been sitting , fingers on keyboard waiting to start tapping out the letters which will lead to a blog , looking out at the beauty of the Poconos for a really long time . Right now the world looks beautiful , and peaceful and serene . I need this . A couple of days ago I was part of a panel that presented on the issue of abuse of people with disabilities within systems . The focus of the presentation was abuse prevention and how to create organizations that are safer for people with disabilities to live in . It was a resource rich presentation , binders full of information were given out , Four presenters , including myself , had three and a half hours to take people through approaches and strategies that are necessary for people to feel , and be , safe when receiving service . I was pleased and proud to be part of the presentation . I admire my co - presenters and their passion . I was glad that the conference accepted the proposal for a pre - conference . I believe in the subject matter and it 's ultimate importance . But I find these presentations , more than any others , wildly exhausting . We are talking about abuse , we are talking about the importance of safety . We are talking about people 's lives . We are talking about hurt . We are talking about trust and trust violated . We are talking about things that matter deeply to me for deeply personal reasons . From the next presentation I rushed here , to this hotel , surrounded by trees impossibly beautiful . And I realized that I needed this beauty . I needed the world to look safe and serene . ' Wow , ' was the response when I was telling a friend about my travels this month . They are extensive and I 'm all over the place doing all sorts of things . We won 't be home except for a couple days in October . I like what I do , but I admit it 's tiring a fact which my friend picked up on and said . ' That must be so hard on you , all the travel and the hotels and the restaurant food - I 'd hate it . Don 't you get really tired . ' My answer , once I got started was about travelling with a wheelchair and about the access issues and about the attitudes we encounter . I stopped because I could see I was annoying her . ' I didn 't ask for the disabled Travellers Chronicles , ' she said , ' I asked how YOU were doing . Just you . ' But she wanted to know how I was doing . How I was handling the travel stresses , not the ones that come with disabilities , but the regular ones . Stress in travel isn 't just a disability issue is it . We popped into a wine store , on Thanksgiving Monday , a day when most such stores are closed . Joe picked out a couple of bottles of wine and , as we were checking out , we were offered a large bottle of cider , with cinnamon flavouring , which was on special . Even though Joe 's not a cider drinker , we picked it up , anticipating that we may have use for it over the upcoming holidays . About a block away , a fellow of maybe 40 was sitting on the street with a sign asking for money . It was a terrifically honest sign saying that he wanted to celebrate Thanksgiving with a bottle of wine or a case of beer . After quickly conferring with Joe , I approached him and said , " What about , instead of money , we just gave you a bottle of cider . " A husband and wife team sped up to us and started laying into us about what we had just done . We , apparently , were horrible people feeding his addiction . We were enabling him and as a direct result of our behaviour he would stay on the street . I asked if they were addiction counsellors and they said they weren 't but that ' everyone knew that . ' I told them that I didn 't know why he was on the street , I didn 't know if he was an alcoholic or if he had any addiction , I was just moved to give him what he asked for . It 's Thanksgiving Sunday . We are just back , and we are tired . The grocery store is busy . Ahead of us is a young woman , a personal support worker , for an elderly woman . The line up isn 't long , but it 's slow . We had crossed paths with the two of them several times while shopping . The staff seems efficient at getting the woman through the store and getting groceries into the cloth bag she carries . While waiting in the line up the elderly woman turns and asks , in a soft and trembling voice , " When did he die ? When did my son die . " The staff , answered , her voice flat , like she 's answered the question before , " Three years ago . " Tears start falling , " I can 't remember . I can 't remember the date . Now the anniversary of his death feels like every day , because I can 't remember . " " The date , I need to know the date . Now she is crying harder , " I need you to help me shop but I need you to help me remember . My son . He died . I can remember his birthday , but I can 't remember , I never remember , the date he died . " " I need to remember , I need to remember now . He was a good son . " She is crying hard but quietly , she is guided to sit on her stroller . " No one cares , no one cares but me , and I don 't remember , what kind of mother am I ? I need your help to remember . " The woman behind me , to me , loudly , " She says this happens all the time . What would it take for her to just remember when the old woman 's son died ? She has a job because she has trouble remembering , then remember for her ! Getting the shopping done , getting meals prepared may be her job . But remembering for someone who can 't , there is where the honour lies . The absolute honour . I 'm sorry but I can 't take this any more . " She pulled out of the line up , put her cart to the side and begins to leave . She stops , her cart pushed to the side , " I do know what it 's like to forget . That 's why I 'm upset . When I need help , I hope I get what I need , promise me you 'll do more than your job , promise me you 'll remember what she needs remembered . " But she didn 't wait for an answer . She left . The woman , who 's son died , is sitting , hearing none of this , on her walker . crying . I just realized that sometimes , when I don 't realize it , I can be easily perceived to be a nag , or a jerk or extremely critical . And . . . I 'm , in those situations , none of those things . ( Although I accept that Joe may disagree . ) Only a few seconds ago , Joe was getting ready to take a bag down to the car . I suggested he go down and get a cart . I saw his face set with exasperation and he headed downstairs . Now , he 's been driving since I became disabled . He gets me where I want to go safely . I know that . He 's a good driver . In my head , I 'm helping . I find it frustrating that the things I used to physically help Joe with , or help Joe do , I can 't any more . It troubles me that he has to do this all on his own . He 's getting older too and it isn 't as easy for him to do what he has always done . He 's open about that . I rolled into the big conference room , set up with chairs for nearly 600 people , and made my way down an aisle created by nice people pulling their chairs in a little bit . . Then , appearing as if by magic , was a long , wide , ramp , in front of me . Joe , who was helping me , pushed me up the ramp and I pulled round facing the table placed on the podium for me . I didn 't get much of a chance to think about anything because suddenly I was talking to techies about microphones and electronics . During the introduction and warm up , we were all asked to think about a word that would express how we feel in the moment and then the audience was to share that word , or a handshake or a hug with each other . I was on the podium so I didn 't have a chance to share my word . I had a word , it came clearly to mind when the question was asked . So I started by saying that I wanted to share my word . The word I shared was ' welcomed ' . . . I felt welcomed . I pointed out the ramp , leading up to the podium and talked about how rare it is that people bother with the ramp . It 's like people think that there would never be a need for someone with a disability to be on a podium , with a microphone and something to say . " ' Welcome , ' isn 't an attitude you feel , it 's an action you take , it 's the act of making welcome . I felt welcomed and I expressed my gratitude for the fact that the hotel owned the ramp ( most have to rent one ) and the organizers had it set up for me . We are on the road , with the exception of one day home , for Thanksgiving , for three weeks . This means that there are so many variables that need to be worried about , because worry is such a helpful part of my emotional vocabulary , that there is often little room for anything else . There 's just so much that can go wrong , even with meticulous planning , when travelling with , and in , a wheelchair . So far , though we are just starting , we 've been doing mostly OK . Rooms have been accessible and we 've gotten where we are supposed to go with little problem . What 's been remarkable , so far , is that at every stage of this trip , Joe and I break the trip down into survivable sections , each with worries independent of each other , in this way we organize our worries into groups where they can do the most good , is that our worry is working . So we don 't worry about the hotel on the first night , when we 've got the flight to worry about first . This keeps the lists of ' could go wrongs ' short and our worrying more targeted . We find that most effective . From the lesbian bus driver who picked us up and took us to the airport . She had us laughing all the way . She 's one of the most naturally funny people I 've ever met . She distracted us from our worry , which I think was her diabolical intent , as we laughed for almost 45 minutes straight . We got off the bus feeling so refreshed , which is an amazing feat given that we were at the airport at 4 : 45 AM . We were then able to return to worrying with a renewed sense of purpose . Someone said that I should convert worrying to prayer . Now there 's a conversion that I don 't want to make . I don 't want to be waking God up at 3 in the morning with a request that the bus arrive on time . I think what with the state of the world , God 's got worries lined up for an eternity . I leave the world to God and take care of my stuff with my own skilled and muscular worrying . We were off the plane . It had been a struggle to get up the ramp , but it had been managed . We fly a lot and this moment , the ' off the plane ' moment is a difficult one . We always ask for assistance and most often , they don 't show . Or rather , they show , see me , recognize that I 'm a big man to push , and then disappear . Sometimes they will offer me a service I can 't use . The cart that they bring is simply impossible for me to get on to , the step is too high , my balance is too poor . We were in that position , my help did not show , those there to help others who needed wheelchairs avoided eye contact , often in really obvious ways - as if they wanted me to see that they had no intention of helping . We chatted with her the whole way , and she guided us to where we needed to go . On one big ramp she watched as Joe took me over by the hand rail and I pulled myself up with my left arm as my right hand pushed me up and Joe braced the back and pushed when I pulled . We got up easily . She couldn 't keep astonishment off her face . I need what I need and I know what I need . I 'm guessing anyone else with a disability or who supports someone with a disability is equally expert in every situation they are in as to the help they need . It 's a pity that our expertise is ignored in the face of assumption and presumption . Right now , after a 5 hour flight and a six hour drive , I 'm in a hotel . I 'm about to make another 5 hour drive . We manage these things because we manage these things . When we ask for help , it 's likely to be something that we know can be done - because that 's the only thing that makes sense . Voting is a serious matter for both Joe and I . We are voters . We try to be informed voters as well . To us , voting is a precious won right and a vitally important responsibility . So when we realized that we were away from home on voting day and that we would barely make it back for the advance polls we decided to take advantage of ' special ballot ' voting . This means that up until the 13th of October we can go to Elections Canada Office of the Returning Officer and cast a ballot . We did this yesterday . I had called ahead to see about the hours and the accessibility and when I asked about access the woman was almost insulted , " Of course we are accessible , sir , of course we are . " I didn 't say anything but in my experience there 's lots of places where you 'd assume , incorrectly , " of course , " to access . We were informed about the ' special ballot ' voting in a mailing that we received from Elections Canada . What was cool about that mailing was that it had a list of the accessibility features of both the advance poll and the voting day polling stations . I popped over to the accessibility page on the Elections Canada website and was pretty impressed . I really liked being able to type in my postal code and find out everything I needed to know about polling stations . I found the list of mandatory ( and preferred ) features used in selection polling stations interesting . I liked the fact that accessibility was more than just getting in , there was information on assistance with marking a ballot and for sign language , amongst other languages , and that they could take requests in 110 languages . We arrived just a little after one and went through the voting process , which is different , but not difficult , we discovered for ' special ballots ' and then slammed our vote into the voting box . The whole thing was easy because access was simply an ' of course ' and there was nothing to worry about . I will admit , though , when it came our turn , I asked Joe to go first just to check out the area for accessibility , I have a large chair after all . In the end Joe was still in , finishing up voting , when it came to be my turn . It was the same woman who had come to get Joe and when I was in her office having my ID checked , I relaxed . I could not hear the other person but I knew that they were a non - disabled person desperately wanting to help . I knew this only because of the tone and the words of the person whose speech I could hear . We were grocery shopping and I was coming up an aisle that would end just where the fridges are for milk when I heard him speaking . He spoke with the " disability voice " which combines these features : I came round the corner , and sure enough , there was a man with a disability with a bag of three bags of milk in his hands and a store basket on his lap . He looked over at me , I looked at him , he said , " Hi , how are you ? " like we were old friends . I greeted him back . At that the other person said , " Well , if you are sure you 're OK , I 'll leave you to talk to your friend , " then quickly left . Joe and I settled in to our Friday night , luxuriating in the idea of the weekend ahead of us . Alex was his usual charming and genial self , he 's part of the reason we like this show , and the game was fast , with the champion making mincemeat of his opponents . Then , out of nowhere , a clue is read out which used the phrase ' wheelchair bound . ' It happened too quickly , it 's impact so immediate , that I didn 't catch the entire clue . I caught enough of it to know that the term was used descriptively , in the present tense , and wasn 't referring to the dim dark past where terms like that were routinely used . Before I could react with words , Joe reacted with a more guttural form of ' egad ! ' Somehow , without any real reason , we thought Jeopardy would be more evolved in its understanding of language and of the impact of language . Here 's a show with a huge reach , using language which depicts disability in an archaic manner . Our fight for language which represents us rather than demeans us is far from over . As a wheelchair user myself , I find the term ' wheelchair bound ' offensive primarily because the image it brings to mind is inaccurate . I am not bound by the chair , I 'm freed by it . It gives me the life I live . But I don 't need to tell any of you that , do I ? You know , sometimes people otta just freaking use Google before they speak . So some dude from the tourism department of Nepal in talking about their wish to ban disabled climbers from the mountain said : ' Climbing Everest is not a joke . It is not a matter of discrimination - how can you climb without legs ? ' I 'll admit I don 't get why anyone , disabled or not , wants to climb Everest . We went to see the movie Everest and that was quite enough of an adventure for me . But , in the end , it doesn 't matter that I don 't get it . What matters is that people want to do it , even though it 's dangerous , and that people are often quite changed by the experience . The decision to ban a whole group of people based solely on a prejudicial notion of who disabled people are and what disabled people can and can 't do , is , quite simply , offensive . What 's even more offensive is that the facts of the matter don 't matter . Disabled people , of all stripes , have climbed Everest . Even , and this will shock the whole of the Tourism Department . . . people without legs ! ! ! I don 't follow the world of climbing . I 'm not from Nepal . I couldn 't identify Everest from a mugs line up of mountain peaks , but even I know that Everest has been climbed and climbed and climbed again by people with all sorts of disabilities . Eli Reimer , a teen with Down Syndrome climbed 70 miles to base camp simply because he wanted to . But none of this matters because these stories are turned into stories about ' can do it ' attitudes and ' conquering ' disability rather than demonstration of personal skill and ability , the equalization of dreams , the adaptiveness and creativity with which people with disabilities approach challenges . No , what we 've done is motivate some abled bodied person to ' try harder ' - rah us . I do wish they 'd ' try harder ' to see us as flesh and blood people who climbed a fucking mountain . In the real world there should never be an issue regarding consent and cookies , particularly chocolate chip . However , I have been informed that I need to inform you about cookies that may be involved somehow with this blog and with Blogger . I an in my mid sixties and don 't really know what cookies are . . . . here is something from the notice I got : Google uses of certain Blogger and Google cookies , including use of Google Analytics and AdSense cookies . So be aware of that , and I am assuming implied consent because you know that and come back . Of course , you may choose not to come back . This is why I 'm suggesting implied consent . I tried finding a proper code for announcing this and couldn 't . I hope you come back , and I hope you occasionally have a real world cookie , especial on days that are raining . . . or sunny . . . or cloudy . . . Joe and I live in an apartment right smack dab in the center of Toronto . I have worked in the field of disability since graduating from university over 30 years ago . I became disabled a few years ago now and use a wheelchair when out in the world . For those interested , most of my books are available through www . diverse - city . com and if you are wishing to book a lecture or consultation you may do so by emailing daveandjoe @ hotmail . com There are those who have affected the course of my work and my career . I wish to remember them here : Stella YoungManuela Dalla NoraBob ClaytonViktor FranklRobert SovnerMarsha ForrestTerry HaslamJohn MoneySusan ToughSol GordonWinnifred KemptonI believe that we should speak often and well of those who passed our way and whose lives gifted us . Here in this space I wish to memorialize those whose lived lives in service to those with disabilities .

I was in the line up yesterday , at the airport , to check bags and get boarding passes . Joe was returning the rental car and I had been waiting for him to get back . The line up was long and I decided that , given that it takes a bit of time to check in , wheelchair and all , I 'd get in the line up and hope that Joe got back before I reached the front of the line . The baggage cart was loaded down but I was easily able to push it , then me , it , then me , it , then me . I joined the end of the line and slowly , not more slowly than the movement of the line , moved up as space became available . There were people now joining the line behind me . A conversation started between a mom and and dad and a young teen girl . Mom suggested to Dad that he help me with the cart . Dad said that he thought I was doing fine on my own . This let to a spat about generosity and willingness to help out . Mom thought I was struggling with the cart , Dad thought I was doing fine . We reach the part of the line up where I have to turn the cart around to head back the way we came . I can do this , have done it many times . I grab the cart , make the turn , grab my wheels and turn in behind the cart . " He can hear you , you know ! " she said . Her parents stop , look at her , then over at me . " If he wanted help he 'd ask you . Jeeeeeeez ! " I got on the elevator , alone . Just as the door was closing a young man stepped in and scooted beside me . I noticed him when going to the elevator , he had been standing with a small group of other young people , all of whom looked like they lived rough . A voice calls out as the door is closing , " Hold the elevator please ! " I am by the panel so I hit the ' door open ' button and a fellow gets on , slightly older than the youth , maybe early twenties , wearing a very nice suit . He stands for only a second by the younger man , sniffs the air for a second , reaches out and stops the door from closing . He says , " I 'll take the next one . " He gets off . The door closes . The young man beside me doesn 't react to the slight . He knows that he smells of booze and cigarettes and sweat . It 's not a surprise . I don 't react either , everything I can think to say sound , in my mind , as either trite or patronizing . The door opened on the floor we were both going to . I pushed to get off , because I was in position to do so . My front wheels just wouldn 't go over the small lip created by a slightly uneven landing by the elevator . I tried a couple of times . The young ; man stood listlessly beside me , simply waiting . No urgency on his face . I turned to him and asked , " Could you grab hold of the chair and give me a wee push ? " He was now alert . " You want my help ? " His voice was incredulous . " Yeah , if you wouldn 't mind . " He looked at the chair and said , " What do I do ? " I said , " Get behind me , when I ask , just push . " He did as I asked , I put one foot on the floor to give lift and asked him to push on the handles as I pushed on the wheels . I was out . In what I wrote I didn 't give the answer that they worked so hard to get . There were three reasons I didn 't write the answer , first , I 'd written about this before - with answer included and didn 't want to be repeating myself , second , I wanted to demonstrate - for those who hadn 't read the previous post that it really is a hard question for people to get , third , yesterday afternoon I was going to talk about this question in my session on supporting someone who is being bullied and teased and didn 't want to give the answer away here . So . . . the answer . People guess all sorts of reasons why I 'm not bullied all the time . Yet no one has ever questioned the initial reasons . . . when I 'm asked why I 'm bullied , everyone , disabled or not , accept that ' fat ' and ' disabled ' and ' wheelchair user ' and any other attribute to be almost self evident . When in fact the answer gives the lie to that . The reason I am teased only some of the time , not all the time , means , in fact IT CAN ' T BE ABOUT ME . Because if it was , teasing would be constant . Joe and I came into a room that was nearly empty but , once we were in and settled , it began to fill quickly . It was to be a training session for people with intellectual disabilities on bullying and teasing . Joe began his work of preparing the flip chart and arranging the furniture in the front of the room and I looked over my notes , took some calming breaths and listened to the room . You can tell a lot , as a trainer , simply by listening to the room . This one , as it filled with people , also filled with noise . Chatting and joking and positive energy has a sound of it 's own . This room was a good one , it was filled with people glad to be here and glad to be with each other . Right away I knew the group was going to go with me and were prepared to learn and have fun . I know that the topics that I train on , with people with disabilities , are deadly serious : bullying and teasing ; abuse prevention ; rights and responsibilities . But I also know that people learn best when they are laughing , difficult topics can be broached if you bring in a sense of fun and of hope . These folks , they had both in abundance . There are two moments that I wait for in the presentation , for different reasons . Let me tell you about one of them . It 's the moment I ask the group a hard question . It 's not a hard question for people with disabilities . It 's a hard question , period . Here is how the question arises , I tell the group that I get teased and bullied all the time ( which is true ) , and then I ask them why I am teased . They were a kind group and didn 't want to answer but eventually , they described my differences : I 'm fat , I 'm disabled . I 'm in a wheelchair . I said that that list was true , I was all things , I tell them that I 'm going to ask them a very hard question , here it is : I 'm fat all the time ; I 'm disabled all the time ; I 'm in a wheelchair all the time ; but I 'm not teased all the time . Why not ? If my difference is constant , why isn 't the bullying and teasing constant ? They begin with funny answers . " You are asleep in bed sometimes . " " Sometimes the electricity goes out and no one can see you . " But then , the work begins . They test me , to see if I just want them to guess a couple of times then I 'm going to show off by giving the answer - and then they realize that , no , it 's their job to figure it out . They called out answers . The got close to the right answer . They got distracted and went in another direction entirely having good discussion along the way . They were enjoying having their minds work , they were enjoying being the generator of ideas and suggestions . They enjoyed playing ideas off on each other . They enjoyed side conversations about why it might be that I wasn 't teased all the time . They talked about the fact that THEY weren 't teased all the time and tried to figure out the difference between nonteased times and teased times . All this went on at rapid pace . I got to sit there and listen , really listen , to them think , and reason , and figure , and joke and laugh and think again and reason again . A group of people who others think can 't think and can 't reason are doing just that , their words swirling around the room , their ideas slowly unwrapping the question to find the answer . I didn 't even have to say that she got it right . They had been on the path together . They had worked as a group , as a community , towards this . They got it , instantly when she said it . I know he is asleep , but I have to talk to someone . I 'm caged by fear . We are flying to Edmonton in the morning . I had rolled over at about 1 and somehow the anxieties snuck in through the cracks in my eyes . Moments later they were in control . I couldn 't push them away . I couldn 't compartmentalize them . I couldn 't line them up , anxiety by anxiety , fear by fear , and deal with them one at a time . They had formed a chorus , they stood on my chest and took my breath away . They got into my ears and made such noise . I was overwhelmed and I felt lost . I felt the warm of his hand on my shoulder begin to drive the cold fear away . Anxiety took a few more minutes . And , as I waited for them to be fully gone . I fell asleep . Joe hates snakes . Those three words don 't convery his aversion . If he 's flipping through a magazine and accidentally turns to a page where there is a snake , he screams . If we 're looking through channels and come on one with snakes , he screams . If we 're watching a show or a movie and a snake comes on , he screams . If a movie scene with snakes is long , he covers his face looks away and whispers , ' tell me when it 's gone . ' Which I do . This has struck the girls funny ever since they learned of it . And them trying to scare him with a snake has become a kind of tradition . Joe loves it . So , when birthdays come , he knows that there will be a snake drawn in a birthday card , or his name spelled with the J being a snake , or something like that . Getting the snakes . We were going to put snakes , hidden under icing , in Joe 's birthday cake . My mission was to get the snakes . The whole thing almost came to naught because I couldn 't get to the toy store . The Dollar Store only had huge snakes that would never fit on a cake . The clerk , who had shown me where the snakes were , said , " You want it for a birthday cake ? " with horror in her voice . " Yeah , cool , huh ? " I said . So I went over to the mall that has the toy store and found my way blocked by construction , could not get from one side of the mall to the other . I had to go up , and out , and down to an entrance without a door opener and down to that elevator . This was the point at which it almost fell apart , the elevator over there is broken down more than not , it was raining , did I want to go . I went . It was a struggle to decide , but I went . The toy store found me the snakes , the woman who helped me find them , said , " Snakes in icing , awesome ! " I almost invited her to the party . Mike is much better at doing decoration so he and the girls took over the kitchen . I had made a cake , but we had , for this instance , bought cans of icing , both vanilla and chocolate . They were in there working hard . Every now and then one of the girls would come out , look at Joe , and laugh . They 'd go back in and go back to work . Joe looked at me like , " What 's going on ? " He was suspicious . The cake looked beautiful . The snakes were hidden in the brown icing that formed the heart . The cake was brought to Joe to blow out the candles and then cut the first slice . After the candles were done , he started to cut and the knife came into contact with one of the rubber snakes . He said , " What 's this ? " and touched it and pulled it from the icing , letting out a piercing scream ! The girls , and the rest of us , found this very funny , as did Joe when he got over the shock . Suddenly everyone was talking and laughing about the cake . They told Joe that there were two more snakes hidden in there and every time one got pulled out there was more screaming and more laughing . Finally , the snakes are out and the girls are beginning to lick the icing off them . When . . . I got home from work and we headed straight down to the grocery store . Joe had decided that he wanted bangers and mash for supper and that he wanted to eat them while watching either Poirot or Midsummer Murders on Netflix . Then . He wanted to go to bed . We 're both really tired from the travel . It sounded like a perfect birthday for an elderly gent . At the grocery store we quickly found what we wanted , picked out a very small birthday cake , a bigger one will be made today with the help of two little girls who have their own idea of what a ' Joe cake ' should be like . He went this way in the store , I went that way , we met in the middle , with bangers in one hand and a bag of mash in the other . We were good to go . We stopped and checked lottery tickets , picked up a few more , and then were on our way home . All the way there we chatted about our last trip , our upcoming trip and about things that were happening this weekend . We are all going up the tower on Sunday for lunch . It was an easy time . As we sat down in front of the television to watch Poirot work his way through a mystery , it felt nice . To be home . To be together . And just to be having a relaxing time on Joe 's first night of birthday celebrations . Later he said that he thought the universe had given him a gift . " Did you notice , " he said , " we went shopping when it was very busy , we don 't go on Friday because it 's so busy , and there 's no blog to write . Everything was just fine we were just like two people together shopping . " What do you say when everything has already been said about someone else to someone else ? What do you say when words , meant deeply , sound trite ? What do you say when you want to say what Hallmark says but in a way that they haven 't - and can 't ? He turns 63 today . For a couple of months he is older than me . He the old man , me the arm candy . He who dotters and me who wipes dribble . I pamper the Pampered . Yep , it 's a fine couple of months . Speaking a bit louder . Engaging more patience . We play on every stereotype that we see in ourselves in our transition from boys to ' men of a certain age . ' People who see us together can see that his care of me is both gentle and respectful and still , after 8 years of disability , loving . I add that in about disability because the change for me from walking to rolling was enormous . The change for him was equally so . Everything changed all at once . We met at 16 and I was there for his 17th birthday party . A much different affair than we 've planned for tonight . We 've just got home from a long trip and about to leave on another . We 're going to stay home and fall asleep by 7 , maybe 7 : 30 . Dinner ? We haven 't decided . It doesn 't matter . It will get figured . Joe and I went to the Opera . It was in the movie theatre , but it 's still the Opera . It was general seating so we went early to ensure we got to sit together . When we arrived none of the four wheelchair seating spaces were taken , so we had our choice . We chose to sit at the one closest to the middle of the screen . I 'm used to , at home , always having to sit on either the far right or far left of the screen . The luxury that Americans have to sit in the middle , or near the middle , is amazing to me . We got in and settled . A few minutes later a patron , who was sitting directly behind us , tapped Joe on his shoulder and said , " Could you please move him over to the far side , he 's very tall . " Joe said , " Ask him . " A face turned to me and said , " You are very tall , could you sit over there , and pointed to the seat at the far side . I looked back at a theatre much less than half full . I looked at all the seats that there were for non disabled people to choose to sit . I said , " I 'm going to stay here , but I 'll get my other chair , I sit lower in it . " Joe zipped out to the car and got my manual chair , I sit 4 to 5 inches lower in that chair . While he was gone I moved my power chair out of the way and parked it . Joe came in , helped me transfer into the manual and then we went back to our seats . We figured that was that and we would settle into our seats . I was shocked because there was no way that that patron couldn 't see over me . The theatre had disabled seating immediately in front of a raised platform , the seats began there . You had to walk up stairs to get to the row behind . I said , " I am really sorry , but you have a lot of choices of where to sit . I don 't . I 'd like to sit here . If you would like to move up and back , please do . But this here , it 's my seat . " A few seconds later we heard the patron move one seat over , behind Joe , closer to the centre of the screen . One seat over . We were asked to move way over to the side of the screen , and all that was needed was a shift of one seat . When it was over we had to wait until nearly everyone was gone , while we waited , Joe went up to the seat behind me to see if I had really been in the way . He said that , from that vantage point looking at the screen , even down to the subtitles , I was not in the way . " I don 't even the that you 'd have been in the way in the power chair either , " he said . Finally , it was clear enough so that we could get me back over to my chair , help me transfer in , and then leave . So I wasn 't asked to move because of sight lines , I was asked to move to be out of sight , off to the side , in the margins of the theatre . Yesterday I was doing the keynote speech at a conference in Pennsylvania . When I had arrived at the hotel for check in I noticed that there were a lot of people with intellectual disabilities there and there was an excited buzz in the lobby and conference area . I went back to my room to prepare for my speech and I began to think about the keynote . I thought about how people with disabilities might feel in a room with a guy talking , no graphics , no power point , no visuals to amplify the material . So the next morning , before giving the speech , I spoke to the organizers and told them that when I was booked I didn 't realize that I 'd be speaking to an audience of both people with disabilities and those who support them . I explained about how , when I have an integrated audience , I like to give an integrated keynote wherein I use both lecture and role play all at the same time . I take some of the stories and turn them into a skit and have people with disabilities , and others if necessary , volunteer to play out roles . She thought it was a great idea and gave me the go ahead . When it came to the first role play , which was to demonstrate that people with disabilities have to walk the walk they need to walk and that we support them in that walk ; we don 't take the walk from them . We don 't take the experience way . We don 't fight battles that aren 't ours to fight . I asked for three volunteers and suddenly I had 10 people with disabilities up front with me . Quick adaption is the name of the game , so it was set up . The audience and those doing the roll plays got into what they were doing and it was so much fun . When the volunteers took a bow , the audience roared their support . Then they made their way to their seats . All but one . A woman with Williams Syndrome stood alone , a few feet to my right . She was waiting for the others to sit . When they had , she gave a short but impassioned speech . So , I 'm coming back to my hotel room . Down at the other end of the hallway a door opens and two people . dressed up for the evening , come out of their room and head towards me . As we get closer , I pull over to the right side , as they were walking on the left , to ensure that they had plenty of room to pass . I know they had plenty of room to pass , I 'd gone by a loaded down housekeepers cart on my way by already . Just before we meet , they startle the hell out of me by dashing in front of me , right in front of me , into an alcove created in the hallway at door entrances . I have to immediately pull to the left as now , if I continued straight , I 'd hit them . Why ? Because they are leaning out smiling at me . Faces shining because they 've done something nice for me . Their faces looked at me in anticipation as I drew close and then shock when I went by , silently . They knew I 'd seen them . Their gesture was obvious . I had wanted something from them - to walk by me normally , and they wanted something from me , to confirm that they are wonderful people . I 've met Justin Trudeau , briefly , twice over the last couple of years . As he is now fighting to become Canada 's next Prime Minister , I wanted to write about those two meetings . The first was after Church on Church , which is a huge service held , yearly , by Metropolitan Community Church of Toronto . It is an event which a lot of community leaders attend . It 's not uncommon to see leaders of both the Liberal Party and the New Democratic Party sitting right up front . This picture was taken shortly after the service ended . Mr . Trudeau was passing by in front of me and I called out to him , asking him if he could pause for a picture with Ruby and Sadie . Though he was being rushed along by those surrounding him , he heard me . Looked over at me , and then something odd happened . He didn 't simply dismiss my request . As a disabled fat man , I 'm used to being disregarded and unheard , so I was taken aback . He had to shake off those insisting on him rushing out . He came over and I began organizing the picture of him with the kids . He said , " Well , why aren 't you going to be in the picture ? " I mumbled something about needing to take the picture and he laughed and said , " I 've got people who can help with that . " With that he handed the camera to one of the people with him and knelt down beside me , put his arm around the back of my chair and , when Ruby and Sadie were in place , the shot was taken . I thanked him , he graciously thanked me for wanting the picture . I know this is the kind of thing that politicians do . But there was a genuineness in the interaction that left me feeling like Mr . Trudeau was a different sort of guy . Not a different sort of politician , but a different sort of person , one who managed to see difference differently . The next time I met him was the following Pride day . We were going up Ted Rogers Way towards the gathering point for groups who were organizing themselves to be in the parade . I was slowly making my way up the sidewalk to join my group . Behind me surged a group of people carrying Liberal Party signs and wearing Liberal Party tee shirts . They were clearly rushing . They flowed by me , making it difficult for me to navigate , in my larger than normal , power chair . I felt very in the way . I looked up at one young and earnest face and apologized , as I do , both because I 'm disabled and used to apology and because I 'm Canadian and it 's in my \ DNA . A voice spoke behind me . " You don 't need to apologize , we do . " I looked back and saw that it was Mr . Trudeau . As he approached me he stated that it was they who were rushing by me , it was them making the sidewalk overcrowded , I nodded and said , " Well everyone is rushing right now . " He said that that was gracious of me but people needed to be respectful of my right to space too . I 've written before about the massive design flaw on my power wheelchair , and that flaw causes me , oddly , to come into contact with some of the nicest people . You see the problem is the tires . They 've made it so that an ordinary human mortal , with regular kind of tools , can 't put air in the tires . I guess that would be WAY to convenient for those of us who roll around on tires to actually be able to put air in those tires . As a result , when the tires get low , I have to seek out a mechanic or a tire specialist of some sort and ask if they would mind taking a few minutes - because it 's hard for them to do too - to pump me up . Here 's the thing , no one , any where , has let me pay for the service . They all insist it 's too small a job to charge for , or that it 's no big deal , or that , as one guy insists , it 's a nice break from the routine . We left Toronto on this road trip knowing that my tires were dangerously low . As a result the steering became sluggish , carpets became really hard to navigate and backing up was powerfully slow . I knew , just knew , that we should have gone and got them filled where we usually go . I held back because that 's the only place I go and I hate having to go and ask them a few times a year . Not because they raise a complaint but because I feel like I 'm bothering them . People don 't have to make you feel a bother for you to feel a bother . Well , yesterday we were leaving a mall and I spotted a Firestone Store and , even though it was late and we were both tired , I , on impulse , said , " Let 's go see if they will do my tires . " Joe missed the turn into the store but we were determined now so we went round the block and found our way in . Joe pulled up by the entrance , went in , I saw him waiting in line to ask if they would do wheelchair tires . When he got to the front of the line , he was there only seconds . The man behind the desk , said they would help , no question . We pulled up to where I thought I would get out but the mechanic just waved us over , had me unclamped while in the van so I could move around for him to get at the tires . First one side , then the other , and it was done . It 's weird sitting in a chair that 's getting tires pumped , You rise up on one side , then the other . We thanked him , he brushed off the thanks , and , after clamping me back down , we drove off with tires perfectly filled . Outside my hotel room window stands two maple trees which have been set ablaze by the season . They are surrounded by golds and greens and burgundies . I 've been sitting , fingers on keyboard waiting to start tapping out the letters which will lead to a blog , looking out at the beauty of the Poconos for a really long time . Right now the world looks beautiful , and peaceful and serene . I need this . A couple of days ago I was part of a panel that presented on the issue of abuse of people with disabilities within systems . The focus of the presentation was abuse prevention and how to create organizations that are safer for people with disabilities to live in . It was a resource rich presentation , binders full of information were given out , Four presenters , including myself , had three and a half hours to take people through approaches and strategies that are necessary for people to feel , and be , safe when receiving service . I was pleased and proud to be part of the presentation . I admire my co - presenters and their passion . I was glad that the conference accepted the proposal for a pre - conference . I believe in the subject matter and it 's ultimate importance . But I find these presentations , more than any others , wildly exhausting . We are talking about abuse , we are talking about the importance of safety . We are talking about people 's lives . We are talking about hurt . We are talking about trust and trust violated . We are talking about things that matter deeply to me for deeply personal reasons . From the next presentation I rushed here , to this hotel , surrounded by trees impossibly beautiful . And I realized that I needed this beauty . I needed the world to look safe and serene . ' Wow , ' was the response when I was telling a friend about my travels this month . They are extensive and I 'm all over the place doing all sorts of things . We won 't be home except for a couple days in October . I like what I do , but I admit it 's tiring a fact which my friend picked up on and said . ' That must be so hard on you , all the travel and the hotels and the restaurant food - I 'd hate it . Don 't you get really tired . ' My answer , once I got started was about travelling with a wheelchair and about the access issues and about the attitudes we encounter . I stopped because I could see I was annoying her . ' I didn 't ask for the disabled Travellers Chronicles , ' she said , ' I asked how YOU were doing . Just you . ' But she wanted to know how I was doing . How I was handling the travel stresses , not the ones that come with disabilities , but the regular ones . Stress in travel isn 't just a disability issue is it . We popped into a wine store , on Thanksgiving Monday , a day when most such stores are closed . Joe picked out a couple of bottles of wine and , as we were checking out , we were offered a large bottle of cider , with cinnamon flavouring , which was on special . Even though Joe 's not a cider drinker , we picked it up , anticipating that we may have use for it over the upcoming holidays . About a block away , a fellow of maybe 40 was sitting on the street with a sign asking for money . It was a terrifically honest sign saying that he wanted to celebrate Thanksgiving with a bottle of wine or a case of beer . After quickly conferring with Joe , I approached him and said , " What about , instead of money , we just gave you a bottle of cider . " A husband and wife team sped up to us and started laying into us about what we had just done . We , apparently , were horrible people feeding his addiction . We were enabling him and as a direct result of our behaviour he would stay on the street . I asked if they were addiction counsellors and they said they weren 't but that ' everyone knew that . ' I told them that I didn 't know why he was on the street , I didn 't know if he was an alcoholic or if he had any addiction , I was just moved to give him what he asked for . It 's Thanksgiving Sunday . We are just back , and we are tired . The grocery store is busy . Ahead of us is a young woman , a personal support worker , for an elderly woman . The line up isn 't long , but it 's slow . We had crossed paths with the two of them several times while shopping . The staff seems efficient at getting the woman through the store and getting groceries into the cloth bag she carries . While waiting in the line up the elderly woman turns and asks , in a soft and trembling voice , " When did he die ? When did my son die . " The staff , answered , her voice flat , like she 's answered the question before , " Three years ago . " Tears start falling , " I can 't remember . I can 't remember the date . Now the anniversary of his death feels like every day , because I can 't remember . " " The date , I need to know the date . Now she is crying harder , " I need you to help me shop but I need you to help me remember . My son . He died . I can remember his birthday , but I can 't remember , I never remember , the date he died . " " I need to remember , I need to remember now . He was a good son . " She is crying hard but quietly , she is guided to sit on her stroller . " No one cares , no one cares but me , and I don 't remember , what kind of mother am I ? I need your help to remember . " The woman behind me , to me , loudly , " She says this happens all the time . What would it take for her to just remember when the old woman 's son died ? She has a job because she has trouble remembering , then remember for her ! Getting the shopping done , getting meals prepared may be her job . But remembering for someone who can 't , there is where the honour lies . The absolute honour . I 'm sorry but I can 't take this any more . " She pulled out of the line up , put her cart to the side and begins to leave . She stops , her cart pushed to the side , " I do know what it 's like to forget . That 's why I 'm upset . When I need help , I hope I get what I need , promise me you 'll do more than your job , promise me you 'll remember what she needs remembered . " But she didn 't wait for an answer . She left . The woman , who 's son died , is sitting , hearing none of this , on her walker . crying . I just realized that sometimes , when I don 't realize it , I can be easily perceived to be a nag , or a jerk or extremely critical . And . . . I 'm , in those situations , none of those things . ( Although I accept that Joe may disagree . ) Only a few seconds ago , Joe was getting ready to take a bag down to the car . I suggested he go down and get a cart . I saw his face set with exasperation and he headed downstairs . Now , he 's been driving since I became disabled . He gets me where I want to go safely . I know that . He 's a good driver . In my head , I 'm helping . I find it frustrating that the things I used to physically help Joe with , or help Joe do , I can 't any more . It troubles me that he has to do this all on his own . He 's getting older too and it isn 't as easy for him to do what he has always done . He 's open about that . I rolled into the big conference room , set up with chairs for nearly 600 people , and made my way down an aisle created by nice people pulling their chairs in a little bit . . Then , appearing as if by magic , was a long , wide , ramp , in front of me . Joe , who was helping me , pushed me up the ramp and I pulled round facing the table placed on the podium for me . I didn 't get much of a chance to think about anything because suddenly I was talking to techies about microphones and electronics . During the introduction and warm up , we were all asked to think about a word that would express how we feel in the moment and then the audience was to share that word , or a handshake or a hug with each other . I was on the podium so I didn 't have a chance to share my word . I had a word , it came clearly to mind when the question was asked . So I started by saying that I wanted to share my word . The word I shared was ' welcomed ' . . . I felt welcomed . I pointed out the ramp , leading up to the podium and talked about how rare it is that people bother with the ramp . It 's like people think that there would never be a need for someone with a disability to be on a podium , with a microphone and something to say . " ' Welcome , ' isn 't an attitude you feel , it 's an action you take , it 's the act of making welcome . I felt welcomed and I expressed my gratitude for the fact that the hotel owned the ramp ( most have to rent one ) and the organizers had it set up for me . We are on the road , with the exception of one day home , for Thanksgiving , for three weeks . This means that there are so many variables that need to be worried about , because worry is such a helpful part of my emotional vocabulary , that there is often little room for anything else . There 's just so much that can go wrong , even with meticulous planning , when travelling with , and in , a wheelchair . So far , though we are just starting , we 've been doing mostly OK . Rooms have been accessible and we 've gotten where we are supposed to go with little problem . What 's been remarkable , so far , is that at every stage of this trip , Joe and I break the trip down into survivable sections , each with worries independent of each other , in this way we organize our worries into groups where they can do the most good , is that our worry is working . So we don 't worry about the hotel on the first night , when we 've got the flight to worry about first . This keeps the lists of ' could go wrongs ' short and our worrying more targeted . We find that most effective . From the lesbian bus driver who picked us up and took us to the airport . She had us laughing all the way . She 's one of the most naturally funny people I 've ever met . She distracted us from our worry , which I think was her diabolical intent , as we laughed for almost 45 minutes straight . We got off the bus feeling so refreshed , which is an amazing feat given that we were at the airport at 4 : 45 AM . We were then able to return to worrying with a renewed sense of purpose . Someone said that I should convert worrying to prayer . Now there 's a conversion that I don 't want to make . I don 't want to be waking God up at 3 in the morning with a request that the bus arrive on time . I think what with the state of the world , God 's got worries lined up for an eternity . I leave the world to God and take care of my stuff with my own skilled and muscular worrying . We were off the plane . It had been a struggle to get up the ramp , but it had been managed . We fly a lot and this moment , the ' off the plane ' moment is a difficult one . We always ask for assistance and most often , they don 't show . Or rather , they show , see me , recognize that I 'm a big man to push , and then disappear . Sometimes they will offer me a service I can 't use . The cart that they bring is simply impossible for me to get on to , the step is too high , my balance is too poor . We were in that position , my help did not show , those there to help others who needed wheelchairs avoided eye contact , often in really obvious ways - as if they wanted me to see that they had no intention of helping . We chatted with her the whole way , and she guided us to where we needed to go . On one big ramp she watched as Joe took me over by the hand rail and I pulled myself up with my left arm as my right hand pushed me up and Joe braced the back and pushed when I pulled . We got up easily . She couldn 't keep astonishment off her face . I need what I need and I know what I need . I 'm guessing anyone else with a disability or who supports someone with a disability is equally expert in every situation they are in as to the help they need . It 's a pity that our expertise is ignored in the face of assumption and presumption . Right now , after a 5 hour flight and a six hour drive , I 'm in a hotel . I 'm about to make another 5 hour drive . We manage these things because we manage these things . When we ask for help , it 's likely to be something that we know can be done - because that 's the only thing that makes sense . Voting is a serious matter for both Joe and I . We are voters . We try to be informed voters as well . To us , voting is a precious won right and a vitally important responsibility . So when we realized that we were away from home on voting day and that we would barely make it back for the advance polls we decided to take advantage of ' special ballot ' voting . This means that up until the 13th of October we can go to Elections Canada Office of the Returning Officer and cast a ballot . We did this yesterday . I had called ahead to see about the hours and the accessibility and when I asked about access the woman was almost insulted , " Of course we are accessible , sir , of course we are . " I didn 't say anything but in my experience there 's lots of places where you 'd assume , incorrectly , " of course , " to access . We were informed about the ' special ballot ' voting in a mailing that we received from Elections Canada . What was cool about that mailing was that it had a list of the accessibility features of both the advance poll and the voting day polling stations . I popped over to the accessibility page on the Elections Canada website and was pretty impressed . I really liked being able to type in my postal code and find out everything I needed to know about polling stations . I found the list of mandatory ( and preferred ) features used in selection polling stations interesting . I liked the fact that accessibility was more than just getting in , there was information on assistance with marking a ballot and for sign language , amongst other languages , and that they could take requests in 110 languages . We arrived just a little after one and went through the voting process , which is different , but not difficult , we discovered for ' special ballots ' and then slammed our vote into the voting box . The whole thing was easy because access was simply an ' of course ' and there was nothing to worry about . I will admit , though , when it came our turn , I asked Joe to go first just to check out the area for accessibility , I have a large chair after all . In the end Joe was still in , finishing up voting , when it came to be my turn . It was the same woman who had come to get Joe and when I was in her office having my ID checked , I relaxed . I could not hear the other person but I knew that they were a non - disabled person desperately wanting to help . I knew this only because of the tone and the words of the person whose speech I could hear . We were grocery shopping and I was coming up an aisle that would end just where the fridges are for milk when I heard him speaking . He spoke with the " disability voice " which combines these features : I came round the corner , and sure enough , there was a man with a disability with a bag of three bags of milk in his hands and a store basket on his lap . He looked over at me , I looked at him , he said , " Hi , how are you ? " like we were old friends . I greeted him back . At that the other person said , " Well , if you are sure you 're OK , I 'll leave you to talk to your friend , " then quickly left . Joe and I settled in to our Friday night , luxuriating in the idea of the weekend ahead of us . Alex was his usual charming and genial self , he 's part of the reason we like this show , and the game was fast , with the champion making mincemeat of his opponents . Then , out of nowhere , a clue is read out which used the phrase ' wheelchair bound . ' It happened too quickly , it 's impact so immediate , that I didn 't catch the entire clue . I caught enough of it to know that the term was used descriptively , in the present tense , and wasn 't referring to the dim dark past where terms like that were routinely used . Before I could react with words , Joe reacted with a more guttural form of ' egad ! ' Somehow , without any real reason , we thought Jeopardy would be more evolved in its understanding of language and of the impact of language . Here 's a show with a huge reach , using language which depicts disability in an archaic manner . Our fight for language which represents us rather than demeans us is far from over . As a wheelchair user myself , I find the term ' wheelchair bound ' offensive primarily because the image it brings to mind is inaccurate . I am not bound by the chair , I 'm freed by it . It gives me the life I live . But I don 't need to tell any of you that , do I ? You know , sometimes people otta just freaking use Google before they speak . So some dude from the tourism department of Nepal in talking about their wish to ban disabled climbers from the mountain said : ' Climbing Everest is not a joke . It is not a matter of discrimination - how can you climb without legs ? ' I 'll admit I don 't get why anyone , disabled or not , wants to climb Everest . We went to see the movie Everest and that was quite enough of an adventure for me . But , in the end , it doesn 't matter that I don 't get it . What matters is that people want to do it , even though it 's dangerous , and that people are often quite changed by the experience . The decision to ban a whole group of people based solely on a prejudicial notion of who disabled people are and what disabled people can and can 't do , is , quite simply , offensive . What 's even more offensive is that the facts of the matter don 't matter . Disabled people , of all stripes , have climbed Everest . Even , and this will shock the whole of the Tourism Department . . . people without legs ! ! ! I don 't follow the world of climbing . I 'm not from Nepal . I couldn 't identify Everest from a mugs line up of mountain peaks , but even I know that Everest has been climbed and climbed and climbed again by people with all sorts of disabilities . Eli Reimer , a teen with Down Syndrome climbed 70 miles to base camp simply because he wanted to . But none of this matters because these stories are turned into stories about ' can do it ' attitudes and ' conquering ' disability rather than demonstration of personal skill and ability , the equalization of dreams , the adaptiveness and creativity with which people with disabilities approach challenges . No , what we 've done is motivate some abled bodied person to ' try harder ' - rah us . I do wish they 'd ' try harder ' to see us as flesh and blood people who climbed a fucking mountain . In the real world there should never be an issue regarding consent and cookies , particularly chocolate chip . However , I have been informed that I need to inform you about cookies that may be involved somehow with this blog and with Blogger . I an in my mid sixties and don 't really know what cookies are . . . . here is something from the notice I got : Google uses of certain Blogger and Google cookies , including use of Google Analytics and AdSense cookies . So be aware of that , and I am assuming implied consent because you know that and come back . Of course , you may choose not to come back . This is why I 'm suggesting implied consent . I tried finding a proper code for announcing this and couldn 't . I hope you come back , and I hope you occasionally have a real world cookie , especial on days that are raining . . . or sunny . . . or cloudy . . . Joe and I live in an apartment right smack dab in the center of Toronto . I have worked in the field of disability since graduating from university over 30 years ago . I became disabled a few years ago now and use a wheelchair when out in the world . For those interested , most of my books are available through www . diverse - city . com and if you are wishing to book a lecture or consultation you may do so by emailing daveandjoe @ hotmail . com There are those who have affected the course of my work and my career . I wish to remember them here : Stella YoungManuela Dalla NoraBob ClaytonViktor FranklRobert SovnerMarsha ForrestTerry HaslamJohn MoneySusan ToughSol GordonWinnifred KemptonI believe that we should speak often and well of those who passed our way and whose lives gifted us . Here in this space I wish to memorialize those whose lived lives in service to those with disabilities .

I was in the line up yesterday , at the airport , to check bags and get boarding passes . Joe was returning the rental car and I had been waiting for him to get back . The line up was long and I decided that , given that it takes a bit of time to check in , wheelchair and all , I 'd get in the line up and hope that Joe got back before I reached the front of the line . The baggage cart was loaded down but I was easily able to push it , then me , it , then me , it , then me . I joined the end of the line and slowly , not more slowly than the movement of the line , moved up as space became available . There were people now joining the line behind me . A conversation started between a mom and and dad and a young teen girl . Mom suggested to Dad that he help me with the cart . Dad said that he thought I was doing fine on my own . This let to a spat about generosity and willingness to help out . Mom thought I was struggling with the cart , Dad thought I was doing fine . We reach the part of the line up where I have to turn the cart around to head back the way we came . I can do this , have done it many times . I grab the cart , make the turn , grab my wheels and turn in behind the cart . " He can hear you , you know ! " she said . Her parents stop , look at her , then over at me . " If he wanted help he 'd ask you . Jeeeeeeez ! " I got on the elevator , alone . Just as the door was closing a young man stepped in and scooted beside me . I noticed him when going to the elevator , he had been standing with a small group of other young people , all of whom looked like they lived rough . A voice calls out as the door is closing , " Hold the elevator please ! " I am by the panel so I hit the ' door open ' button and a fellow gets on , slightly older than the youth , maybe early twenties , wearing a very nice suit . He stands for only a second by the younger man , sniffs the air for a second , reaches out and stops the door from closing . He says , " I 'll take the next one . " He gets off . The door closes . The young man beside me doesn 't react to the slight . He knows that he smells of booze and cigarettes and sweat . It 's not a surprise . I don 't react either , everything I can think to say sound , in my mind , as either trite or patronizing . The door opened on the floor we were both going to . I pushed to get off , because I was in position to do so . My front wheels just wouldn 't go over the small lip created by a slightly uneven landing by the elevator . I tried a couple of times . The young ; man stood listlessly beside me , simply waiting . No urgency on his face . I turned to him and asked , " Could you grab hold of the chair and give me a wee push ? " He was now alert . " You want my help ? " His voice was incredulous . " Yeah , if you wouldn 't mind . " He looked at the chair and said , " What do I do ? " I said , " Get behind me , when I ask , just push . " He did as I asked , I put one foot on the floor to give lift and asked him to push on the handles as I pushed on the wheels . I was out . In what I wrote I didn 't give the answer that they worked so hard to get . There were three reasons I didn 't write the answer , first , I 'd written about this before - with answer included and didn 't want to be repeating myself , second , I wanted to demonstrate - for those who hadn 't read the previous post that it really is a hard question for people to get , third , yesterday afternoon I was going to talk about this question in my session on supporting someone who is being bullied and teased and didn 't want to give the answer away here . So . . . the answer . People guess all sorts of reasons why I 'm not bullied all the time . Yet no one has ever questioned the initial reasons . . . when I 'm asked why I 'm bullied , everyone , disabled or not , accept that ' fat ' and ' disabled ' and ' wheelchair user ' and any other attribute to be almost self evident . When in fact the answer gives the lie to that . The reason I am teased only some of the time , not all the time , means , in fact IT CAN ' T BE ABOUT ME . Because if it was , teasing would be constant . Joe and I came into a room that was nearly empty but , once we were in and settled , it began to fill quickly . It was to be a training session for people with intellectual disabilities on bullying and teasing . Joe began his work of preparing the flip chart and arranging the furniture in the front of the room and I looked over my notes , took some calming breaths and listened to the room . You can tell a lot , as a trainer , simply by listening to the room . This one , as it filled with people , also filled with noise . Chatting and joking and positive energy has a sound of it 's own . This room was a good one , it was filled with people glad to be here and glad to be with each other . Right away I knew the group was going to go with me and were prepared to learn and have fun . I know that the topics that I train on , with people with disabilities , are deadly serious : bullying and teasing ; abuse prevention ; rights and responsibilities . But I also know that people learn best when they are laughing , difficult topics can be broached if you bring in a sense of fun and of hope . These folks , they had both in abundance . There are two moments that I wait for in the presentation , for different reasons . Let me tell you about one of them . It 's the moment I ask the group a hard question . It 's not a hard question for people with disabilities . It 's a hard question , period . Here is how the question arises , I tell the group that I get teased and bullied all the time ( which is true ) , and then I ask them why I am teased . They were a kind group and didn 't want to answer but eventually , they described my differences : I 'm fat , I 'm disabled . I 'm in a wheelchair . I said that that list was true , I was all things , I tell them that I 'm going to ask them a very hard question , here it is : I 'm fat all the time ; I 'm disabled all the time ; I 'm in a wheelchair all the time ; but I 'm not teased all the time . Why not ? If my difference is constant , why isn 't the bullying and teasing constant ? They begin with funny answers . " You are asleep in bed sometimes . " " Sometimes the electricity goes out and no one can see you . " But then , the work begins . They test me , to see if I just want them to guess a couple of times then I 'm going to show off by giving the answer - and then they realize that , no , it 's their job to figure it out . They called out answers . The got close to the right answer . They got distracted and went in another direction entirely having good discussion along the way . They were enjoying having their minds work , they were enjoying being the generator of ideas and suggestions . They enjoyed playing ideas off on each other . They enjoyed side conversations about why it might be that I wasn 't teased all the time . They talked about the fact that THEY weren 't teased all the time and tried to figure out the difference between nonteased times and teased times . All this went on at rapid pace . I got to sit there and listen , really listen , to them think , and reason , and figure , and joke and laugh and think again and reason again . A group of people who others think can 't think and can 't reason are doing just that , their words swirling around the room , their ideas slowly unwrapping the question to find the answer . I didn 't even have to say that she got it right . They had been on the path together . They had worked as a group , as a community , towards this . They got it , instantly when she said it . I know he is asleep , but I have to talk to someone . I 'm caged by fear . We are flying to Edmonton in the morning . I had rolled over at about 1 and somehow the anxieties snuck in through the cracks in my eyes . Moments later they were in control . I couldn 't push them away . I couldn 't compartmentalize them . I couldn 't line them up , anxiety by anxiety , fear by fear , and deal with them one at a time . They had formed a chorus , they stood on my chest and took my breath away . They got into my ears and made such noise . I was overwhelmed and I felt lost . I felt the warm of his hand on my shoulder begin to drive the cold fear away . Anxiety took a few more minutes . And , as I waited for them to be fully gone . I fell asleep . Joe hates snakes . Those three words don 't convery his aversion . If he 's flipping through a magazine and accidentally turns to a page where there is a snake , he screams . If we 're looking through channels and come on one with snakes , he screams . If we 're watching a show or a movie and a snake comes on , he screams . If a movie scene with snakes is long , he covers his face looks away and whispers , ' tell me when it 's gone . ' Which I do . This has struck the girls funny ever since they learned of it . And them trying to scare him with a snake has become a kind of tradition . Joe loves it . So , when birthdays come , he knows that there will be a snake drawn in a birthday card , or his name spelled with the J being a snake , or something like that . Getting the snakes . We were going to put snakes , hidden under icing , in Joe 's birthday cake . My mission was to get the snakes . The whole thing almost came to naught because I couldn 't get to the toy store . The Dollar Store only had huge snakes that would never fit on a cake . The clerk , who had shown me where the snakes were , said , " You want it for a birthday cake ? " with horror in her voice . " Yeah , cool , huh ? " I said . So I went over to the mall that has the toy store and found my way blocked by construction , could not get from one side of the mall to the other . I had to go up , and out , and down to an entrance without a door opener and down to that elevator . This was the point at which it almost fell apart , the elevator over there is broken down more than not , it was raining , did I want to go . I went . It was a struggle to decide , but I went . The toy store found me the snakes , the woman who helped me find them , said , " Snakes in icing , awesome ! " I almost invited her to the party . Mike is much better at doing decoration so he and the girls took over the kitchen . I had made a cake , but we had , for this instance , bought cans of icing , both vanilla and chocolate . They were in there working hard . Every now and then one of the girls would come out , look at Joe , and laugh . They 'd go back in and go back to work . Joe looked at me like , " What 's going on ? " He was suspicious . The cake looked beautiful . The snakes were hidden in the brown icing that formed the heart . The cake was brought to Joe to blow out the candles and then cut the first slice . After the candles were done , he started to cut and the knife came into contact with one of the rubber snakes . He said , " What 's this ? " and touched it and pulled it from the icing , letting out a piercing scream ! The girls , and the rest of us , found this very funny , as did Joe when he got over the shock . Suddenly everyone was talking and laughing about the cake . They told Joe that there were two more snakes hidden in there and every time one got pulled out there was more screaming and more laughing . Finally , the snakes are out and the girls are beginning to lick the icing off them . When . . . I got home from work and we headed straight down to the grocery store . Joe had decided that he wanted bangers and mash for supper and that he wanted to eat them while watching either Poirot or Midsummer Murders on Netflix . Then . He wanted to go to bed . We 're both really tired from the travel . It sounded like a perfect birthday for an elderly gent . At the grocery store we quickly found what we wanted , picked out a very small birthday cake , a bigger one will be made today with the help of two little girls who have their own idea of what a ' Joe cake ' should be like . He went this way in the store , I went that way , we met in the middle , with bangers in one hand and a bag of mash in the other . We were good to go . We stopped and checked lottery tickets , picked up a few more , and then were on our way home . All the way there we chatted about our last trip , our upcoming trip and about things that were happening this weekend . We are all going up the tower on Sunday for lunch . It was an easy time . As we sat down in front of the television to watch Poirot work his way through a mystery , it felt nice . To be home . To be together . And just to be having a relaxing time on Joe 's first night of birthday celebrations . Later he said that he thought the universe had given him a gift . " Did you notice , " he said , " we went shopping when it was very busy , we don 't go on Friday because it 's so busy , and there 's no blog to write . Everything was just fine we were just like two people together shopping . " What do you say when everything has already been said about someone else to someone else ? What do you say when words , meant deeply , sound trite ? What do you say when you want to say what Hallmark says but in a way that they haven 't - and can 't ? He turns 63 today . For a couple of months he is older than me . He the old man , me the arm candy . He who dotters and me who wipes dribble . I pamper the Pampered . Yep , it 's a fine couple of months . Speaking a bit louder . Engaging more patience . We play on every stereotype that we see in ourselves in our transition from boys to ' men of a certain age . ' People who see us together can see that his care of me is both gentle and respectful and still , after 8 years of disability , loving . I add that in about disability because the change for me from walking to rolling was enormous . The change for him was equally so . Everything changed all at once . We met at 16 and I was there for his 17th birthday party . A much different affair than we 've planned for tonight . We 've just got home from a long trip and about to leave on another . We 're going to stay home and fall asleep by 7 , maybe 7 : 30 . Dinner ? We haven 't decided . It doesn 't matter . It will get figured . Joe and I went to the Opera . It was in the movie theatre , but it 's still the Opera . It was general seating so we went early to ensure we got to sit together . When we arrived none of the four wheelchair seating spaces were taken , so we had our choice . We chose to sit at the one closest to the middle of the screen . I 'm used to , at home , always having to sit on either the far right or far left of the screen . The luxury that Americans have to sit in the middle , or near the middle , is amazing to me . We got in and settled . A few minutes later a patron , who was sitting directly behind us , tapped Joe on his shoulder and said , " Could you please move him over to the far side , he 's very tall . " Joe said , " Ask him . " A face turned to me and said , " You are very tall , could you sit over there , and pointed to the seat at the far side . I looked back at a theatre much less than half full . I looked at all the seats that there were for non disabled people to choose to sit . I said , " I 'm going to stay here , but I 'll get my other chair , I sit lower in it . " Joe zipped out to the car and got my manual chair , I sit 4 to 5 inches lower in that chair . While he was gone I moved my power chair out of the way and parked it . Joe came in , helped me transfer into the manual and then we went back to our seats . We figured that was that and we would settle into our seats . I was shocked because there was no way that that patron couldn 't see over me . The theatre had disabled seating immediately in front of a raised platform , the seats began there . You had to walk up stairs to get to the row behind . I said , " I am really sorry , but you have a lot of choices of where to sit . I don 't . I 'd like to sit here . If you would like to move up and back , please do . But this here , it 's my seat . " A few seconds later we heard the patron move one seat over , behind Joe , closer to the centre of the screen . One seat over . We were asked to move way over to the side of the screen , and all that was needed was a shift of one seat . When it was over we had to wait until nearly everyone was gone , while we waited , Joe went up to the seat behind me to see if I had really been in the way . He said that , from that vantage point looking at the screen , even down to the subtitles , I was not in the way . " I don 't even the that you 'd have been in the way in the power chair either , " he said . Finally , it was clear enough so that we could get me back over to my chair , help me transfer in , and then leave . So I wasn 't asked to move because of sight lines , I was asked to move to be out of sight , off to the side , in the margins of the theatre . Yesterday I was doing the keynote speech at a conference in Pennsylvania . When I had arrived at the hotel for check in I noticed that there were a lot of people with intellectual disabilities there and there was an excited buzz in the lobby and conference area . I went back to my room to prepare for my speech and I began to think about the keynote . I thought about how people with disabilities might feel in a room with a guy talking , no graphics , no power point , no visuals to amplify the material . So the next morning , before giving the speech , I spoke to the organizers and told them that when I was booked I didn 't realize that I 'd be speaking to an audience of both people with disabilities and those who support them . I explained about how , when I have an integrated audience , I like to give an integrated keynote wherein I use both lecture and role play all at the same time . I take some of the stories and turn them into a skit and have people with disabilities , and others if necessary , volunteer to play out roles . She thought it was a great idea and gave me the go ahead . When it came to the first role play , which was to demonstrate that people with disabilities have to walk the walk they need to walk and that we support them in that walk ; we don 't take the walk from them . We don 't take the experience way . We don 't fight battles that aren 't ours to fight . I asked for three volunteers and suddenly I had 10 people with disabilities up front with me . Quick adaption is the name of the game , so it was set up . The audience and those doing the roll plays got into what they were doing and it was so much fun . When the volunteers took a bow , the audience roared their support . Then they made their way to their seats . All but one . A woman with Williams Syndrome stood alone , a few feet to my right . She was waiting for the others to sit . When they had , she gave a short but impassioned speech . So , I 'm coming back to my hotel room . Down at the other end of the hallway a door opens and two people . dressed up for the evening , come out of their room and head towards me . As we get closer , I pull over to the right side , as they were walking on the left , to ensure that they had plenty of room to pass . I know they had plenty of room to pass , I 'd gone by a loaded down housekeepers cart on my way by already . Just before we meet , they startle the hell out of me by dashing in front of me , right in front of me , into an alcove created in the hallway at door entrances . I have to immediately pull to the left as now , if I continued straight , I 'd hit them . Why ? Because they are leaning out smiling at me . Faces shining because they 've done something nice for me . Their faces looked at me in anticipation as I drew close and then shock when I went by , silently . They knew I 'd seen them . Their gesture was obvious . I had wanted something from them - to walk by me normally , and they wanted something from me , to confirm that they are wonderful people . I 've met Justin Trudeau , briefly , twice over the last couple of years . As he is now fighting to become Canada 's next Prime Minister , I wanted to write about those two meetings . The first was after Church on Church , which is a huge service held , yearly , by Metropolitan Community Church of Toronto . It is an event which a lot of community leaders attend . It 's not uncommon to see leaders of both the Liberal Party and the New Democratic Party sitting right up front . This picture was taken shortly after the service ended . Mr . Trudeau was passing by in front of me and I called out to him , asking him if he could pause for a picture with Ruby and Sadie . Though he was being rushed along by those surrounding him , he heard me . Looked over at me , and then something odd happened . He didn 't simply dismiss my request . As a disabled fat man , I 'm used to being disregarded and unheard , so I was taken aback . He had to shake off those insisting on him rushing out . He came over and I began organizing the picture of him with the kids . He said , " Well , why aren 't you going to be in the picture ? " I mumbled something about needing to take the picture and he laughed and said , " I 've got people who can help with that . " With that he handed the camera to one of the people with him and knelt down beside me , put his arm around the back of my chair and , when Ruby and Sadie were in place , the shot was taken . I thanked him , he graciously thanked me for wanting the picture . I know this is the kind of thing that politicians do . But there was a genuineness in the interaction that left me feeling like Mr . Trudeau was a different sort of guy . Not a different sort of politician , but a different sort of person , one who managed to see difference differently . The next time I met him was the following Pride day . We were going up Ted Rogers Way towards the gathering point for groups who were organizing themselves to be in the parade . I was slowly making my way up the sidewalk to join my group . Behind me surged a group of people carrying Liberal Party signs and wearing Liberal Party tee shirts . They were clearly rushing . They flowed by me , making it difficult for me to navigate , in my larger than normal , power chair . I felt very in the way . I looked up at one young and earnest face and apologized , as I do , both because I 'm disabled and used to apology and because I 'm Canadian and it 's in my \ DNA . A voice spoke behind me . " You don 't need to apologize , we do . " I looked back and saw that it was Mr . Trudeau . As he approached me he stated that it was they who were rushing by me , it was them making the sidewalk overcrowded , I nodded and said , " Well everyone is rushing right now . " He said that that was gracious of me but people needed to be respectful of my right to space too . I 've written before about the massive design flaw on my power wheelchair , and that flaw causes me , oddly , to come into contact with some of the nicest people . You see the problem is the tires . They 've made it so that an ordinary human mortal , with regular kind of tools , can 't put air in the tires . I guess that would be WAY to convenient for those of us who roll around on tires to actually be able to put air in those tires . As a result , when the tires get low , I have to seek out a mechanic or a tire specialist of some sort and ask if they would mind taking a few minutes - because it 's hard for them to do too - to pump me up . Here 's the thing , no one , any where , has let me pay for the service . They all insist it 's too small a job to charge for , or that it 's no big deal , or that , as one guy insists , it 's a nice break from the routine . We left Toronto on this road trip knowing that my tires were dangerously low . As a result the steering became sluggish , carpets became really hard to navigate and backing up was powerfully slow . I knew , just knew , that we should have gone and got them filled where we usually go . I held back because that 's the only place I go and I hate having to go and ask them a few times a year . Not because they raise a complaint but because I feel like I 'm bothering them . People don 't have to make you feel a bother for you to feel a bother . Well , yesterday we were leaving a mall and I spotted a Firestone Store and , even though it was late and we were both tired , I , on impulse , said , " Let 's go see if they will do my tires . " Joe missed the turn into the store but we were determined now so we went round the block and found our way in . Joe pulled up by the entrance , went in , I saw him waiting in line to ask if they would do wheelchair tires . When he got to the front of the line , he was there only seconds . The man behind the desk , said they would help , no question . We pulled up to where I thought I would get out but the mechanic just waved us over , had me unclamped while in the van so I could move around for him to get at the tires . First one side , then the other , and it was done . It 's weird sitting in a chair that 's getting tires pumped , You rise up on one side , then the other . We thanked him , he brushed off the thanks , and , after clamping me back down , we drove off with tires perfectly filled . Outside my hotel room window stands two maple trees which have been set ablaze by the season . They are surrounded by golds and greens and burgundies . I 've been sitting , fingers on keyboard waiting to start tapping out the letters which will lead to a blog , looking out at the beauty of the Poconos for a really long time . Right now the world looks beautiful , and peaceful and serene . I need this . A couple of days ago I was part of a panel that presented on the issue of abuse of people with disabilities within systems . The focus of the presentation was abuse prevention and how to create organizations that are safer for people with disabilities to live in . It was a resource rich presentation , binders full of information were given out , Four presenters , including myself , had three and a half hours to take people through approaches and strategies that are necessary for people to feel , and be , safe when receiving service . I was pleased and proud to be part of the presentation . I admire my co - presenters and their passion . I was glad that the conference accepted the proposal for a pre - conference . I believe in the subject matter and it 's ultimate importance . But I find these presentations , more than any others , wildly exhausting . We are talking about abuse , we are talking about the importance of safety . We are talking about people 's lives . We are talking about hurt . We are talking about trust and trust violated . We are talking about things that matter deeply to me for deeply personal reasons . From the next presentation I rushed here , to this hotel , surrounded by trees impossibly beautiful . And I realized that I needed this beauty . I needed the world to look safe and serene . ' Wow , ' was the response when I was telling a friend about my travels this month . They are extensive and I 'm all over the place doing all sorts of things . We won 't be home except for a couple days in October . I like what I do , but I admit it 's tiring a fact which my friend picked up on and said . ' That must be so hard on you , all the travel and the hotels and the restaurant food - I 'd hate it . Don 't you get really tired . ' My answer , once I got started was about travelling with a wheelchair and about the access issues and about the attitudes we encounter . I stopped because I could see I was annoying her . ' I didn 't ask for the disabled Travellers Chronicles , ' she said , ' I asked how YOU were doing . Just you . ' But she wanted to know how I was doing . How I was handling the travel stresses , not the ones that come with disabilities , but the regular ones . Stress in travel isn 't just a disability issue is it . We popped into a wine store , on Thanksgiving Monday , a day when most such stores are closed . Joe picked out a couple of bottles of wine and , as we were checking out , we were offered a large bottle of cider , with cinnamon flavouring , which was on special . Even though Joe 's not a cider drinker , we picked it up , anticipating that we may have use for it over the upcoming holidays . About a block away , a fellow of maybe 40 was sitting on the street with a sign asking for money . It was a terrifically honest sign saying that he wanted to celebrate Thanksgiving with a bottle of wine or a case of beer . After quickly conferring with Joe , I approached him and said , " What about , instead of money , we just gave you a bottle of cider . " A husband and wife team sped up to us and started laying into us about what we had just done . We , apparently , were horrible people feeding his addiction . We were enabling him and as a direct result of our behaviour he would stay on the street . I asked if they were addiction counsellors and they said they weren 't but that ' everyone knew that . ' I told them that I didn 't know why he was on the street , I didn 't know if he was an alcoholic or if he had any addiction , I was just moved to give him what he asked for . It 's Thanksgiving Sunday . We are just back , and we are tired . The grocery store is busy . Ahead of us is a young woman , a personal support worker , for an elderly woman . The line up isn 't long , but it 's slow . We had crossed paths with the two of them several times while shopping . The staff seems efficient at getting the woman through the store and getting groceries into the cloth bag she carries . While waiting in the line up the elderly woman turns and asks , in a soft and trembling voice , " When did he die ? When did my son die . " The staff , answered , her voice flat , like she 's answered the question before , " Three years ago . " Tears start falling , " I can 't remember . I can 't remember the date . Now the anniversary of his death feels like every day , because I can 't remember . " " The date , I need to know the date . Now she is crying harder , " I need you to help me shop but I need you to help me remember . My son . He died . I can remember his birthday , but I can 't remember , I never remember , the date he died . " " I need to remember , I need to remember now . He was a good son . " She is crying hard but quietly , she is guided to sit on her stroller . " No one cares , no one cares but me , and I don 't remember , what kind of mother am I ? I need your help to remember . " The woman behind me , to me , loudly , " She says this happens all the time . What would it take for her to just remember when the old woman 's son died ? She has a job because she has trouble remembering , then remember for her ! Getting the shopping done , getting meals prepared may be her job . But remembering for someone who can 't , there is where the honour lies . The absolute honour . I 'm sorry but I can 't take this any more . " She pulled out of the line up , put her cart to the side and begins to leave . She stops , her cart pushed to the side , " I do know what it 's like to forget . That 's why I 'm upset . When I need help , I hope I get what I need , promise me you 'll do more than your job , promise me you 'll remember what she needs remembered . " But she didn 't wait for an answer . She left . The woman , who 's son died , is sitting , hearing none of this , on her walker . crying . I just realized that sometimes , when I don 't realize it , I can be easily perceived to be a nag , or a jerk or extremely critical . And . . . I 'm , in those situations , none of those things . ( Although I accept that Joe may disagree . ) Only a few seconds ago , Joe was getting ready to take a bag down to the car . I suggested he go down and get a cart . I saw his face set with exasperation and he headed downstairs . Now , he 's been driving since I became disabled . He gets me where I want to go safely . I know that . He 's a good driver . In my head , I 'm helping . I find it frustrating that the things I used to physically help Joe with , or help Joe do , I can 't any more . It troubles me that he has to do this all on his own . He 's getting older too and it isn 't as easy for him to do what he has always done . He 's open about that . I rolled into the big conference room , set up with chairs for nearly 600 people , and made my way down an aisle created by nice people pulling their chairs in a little bit . . Then , appearing as if by magic , was a long , wide , ramp , in front of me . Joe , who was helping me , pushed me up the ramp and I pulled round facing the table placed on the podium for me . I didn 't get much of a chance to think about anything because suddenly I was talking to techies about microphones and electronics . During the introduction and warm up , we were all asked to think about a word that would express how we feel in the moment and then the audience was to share that word , or a handshake or a hug with each other . I was on the podium so I didn 't have a chance to share my word . I had a word , it came clearly to mind when the question was asked . So I started by saying that I wanted to share my word . The word I shared was ' welcomed ' . . . I felt welcomed . I pointed out the ramp , leading up to the podium and talked about how rare it is that people bother with the ramp . It 's like people think that there would never be a need for someone with a disability to be on a podium , with a microphone and something to say . " ' Welcome , ' isn 't an attitude you feel , it 's an action you take , it 's the act of making welcome . I felt welcomed and I expressed my gratitude for the fact that the hotel owned the ramp ( most have to rent one ) and the organizers had it set up for me . We are on the road , with the exception of one day home , for Thanksgiving , for three weeks . This means that there are so many variables that need to be worried about , because worry is such a helpful part of my emotional vocabulary , that there is often little room for anything else . There 's just so much that can go wrong , even with meticulous planning , when travelling with , and in , a wheelchair . So far , though we are just starting , we 've been doing mostly OK . Rooms have been accessible and we 've gotten where we are supposed to go with little problem . What 's been remarkable , so far , is that at every stage of this trip , Joe and I break the trip down into survivable sections , each with worries independent of each other , in this way we organize our worries into groups where they can do the most good , is that our worry is working . So we don 't worry about the hotel on the first night , when we 've got the flight to worry about first . This keeps the lists of ' could go wrongs ' short and our worrying more targeted . We find that most effective . From the lesbian bus driver who picked us up and took us to the airport . She had us laughing all the way . She 's one of the most naturally funny people I 've ever met . She distracted us from our worry , which I think was her diabolical intent , as we laughed for almost 45 minutes straight . We got off the bus feeling so refreshed , which is an amazing feat given that we were at the airport at 4 : 45 AM . We were then able to return to worrying with a renewed sense of purpose . Someone said that I should convert worrying to prayer . Now there 's a conversion that I don 't want to make . I don 't want to be waking God up at 3 in the morning with a request that the bus arrive on time . I think what with the state of the world , God 's got worries lined up for an eternity . I leave the world to God and take care of my stuff with my own skilled and muscular worrying . We were off the plane . It had been a struggle to get up the ramp , but it had been managed . We fly a lot and this moment , the ' off the plane ' moment is a difficult one . We always ask for assistance and most often , they don 't show . Or rather , they show , see me , recognize that I 'm a big man to push , and then disappear . Sometimes they will offer me a service I can 't use . The cart that they bring is simply impossible for me to get on to , the step is too high , my balance is too poor . We were in that position , my help did not show , those there to help others who needed wheelchairs avoided eye contact , often in really obvious ways - as if they wanted me to see that they had no intention of helping . We chatted with her the whole way , and she guided us to where we needed to go . On one big ramp she watched as Joe took me over by the hand rail and I pulled myself up with my left arm as my right hand pushed me up and Joe braced the back and pushed when I pulled . We got up easily . She couldn 't keep astonishment off her face . I need what I need and I know what I need . I 'm guessing anyone else with a disability or who supports someone with a disability is equally expert in every situation they are in as to the help they need . It 's a pity that our expertise is ignored in the face of assumption and presumption . Right now , after a 5 hour flight and a six hour drive , I 'm in a hotel . I 'm about to make another 5 hour drive . We manage these things because we manage these things . When we ask for help , it 's likely to be something that we know can be done - because that 's the only thing that makes sense . Voting is a serious matter for both Joe and I . We are voters . We try to be informed voters as well . To us , voting is a precious won right and a vitally important responsibility . So when we realized that we were away from home on voting day and that we would barely make it back for the advance polls we decided to take advantage of ' special ballot ' voting . This means that up until the 13th of October we can go to Elections Canada Office of the Returning Officer and cast a ballot . We did this yesterday . I had called ahead to see about the hours and the accessibility and when I asked about access the woman was almost insulted , " Of course we are accessible , sir , of course we are . " I didn 't say anything but in my experience there 's lots of places where you 'd assume , incorrectly , " of course , " to access . We were informed about the ' special ballot ' voting in a mailing that we received from Elections Canada . What was cool about that mailing was that it had a list of the accessibility features of both the advance poll and the voting day polling stations . I popped over to the accessibility page on the Elections Canada website and was pretty impressed . I really liked being able to type in my postal code and find out everything I needed to know about polling stations . I found the list of mandatory ( and preferred ) features used in selection polling stations interesting . I liked the fact that accessibility was more than just getting in , there was information on assistance with marking a ballot and for sign language , amongst other languages , and that they could take requests in 110 languages . We arrived just a little after one and went through the voting process , which is different , but not difficult , we discovered for ' special ballots ' and then slammed our vote into the voting box . The whole thing was easy because access was simply an ' of course ' and there was nothing to worry about . I will admit , though , when it came our turn , I asked Joe to go first just to check out the area for accessibility , I have a large chair after all . In the end Joe was still in , finishing up voting , when it came to be my turn . It was the same woman who had come to get Joe and when I was in her office having my ID checked , I relaxed . I could not hear the other person but I knew that they were a non - disabled person desperately wanting to help . I knew this only because of the tone and the words of the person whose speech I could hear . We were grocery shopping and I was coming up an aisle that would end just where the fridges are for milk when I heard him speaking . He spoke with the " disability voice " which combines these features : I came round the corner , and sure enough , there was a man with a disability with a bag of three bags of milk in his hands and a store basket on his lap . He looked over at me , I looked at him , he said , " Hi , how are you ? " like we were old friends . I greeted him back . At that the other person said , " Well , if you are sure you 're OK , I 'll leave you to talk to your friend , " then quickly left . Joe and I settled in to our Friday night , luxuriating in the idea of the weekend ahead of us . Alex was his usual charming and genial self , he 's part of the reason we like this show , and the game was fast , with the champion making mincemeat of his opponents . Then , out of nowhere , a clue is read out which used the phrase ' wheelchair bound . ' It happened too quickly , it 's impact so immediate , that I didn 't catch the entire clue . I caught enough of it to know that the term was used descriptively , in the present tense , and wasn 't referring to the dim dark past where terms like that were routinely used . Before I could react with words , Joe reacted with a more guttural form of ' egad ! ' Somehow , without any real reason , we thought Jeopardy would be more evolved in its understanding of language and of the impact of language . Here 's a show with a huge reach , using language which depicts disability in an archaic manner . Our fight for language which represents us rather than demeans us is far from over . As a wheelchair user myself , I find the term ' wheelchair bound ' offensive primarily because the image it brings to mind is inaccurate . I am not bound by the chair , I 'm freed by it . It gives me the life I live . But I don 't need to tell any of you that , do I ? You know , sometimes people otta just freaking use Google before they speak . So some dude from the tourism department of Nepal in talking about their wish to ban disabled climbers from the mountain said : ' Climbing Everest is not a joke . It is not a matter of discrimination - how can you climb without legs ? ' I 'll admit I don 't get why anyone , disabled or not , wants to climb Everest . We went to see the movie Everest and that was quite enough of an adventure for me . But , in the end , it doesn 't matter that I don 't get it . What matters is that people want to do it , even though it 's dangerous , and that people are often quite changed by the experience . The decision to ban a whole group of people based solely on a prejudicial notion of who disabled people are and what disabled people can and can 't do , is , quite simply , offensive . What 's even more offensive is that the facts of the matter don 't matter . Disabled people , of all stripes , have climbed Everest . Even , and this will shock the whole of the Tourism Department . . . people without legs ! ! ! I don 't follow the world of climbing . I 'm not from Nepal . I couldn 't identify Everest from a mugs line up of mountain peaks , but even I know that Everest has been climbed and climbed and climbed again by people with all sorts of disabilities . Eli Reimer , a teen with Down Syndrome climbed 70 miles to base camp simply because he wanted to . But none of this matters because these stories are turned into stories about ' can do it ' attitudes and ' conquering ' disability rather than demonstration of personal skill and ability , the equalization of dreams , the adaptiveness and creativity with which people with disabilities approach challenges . No , what we 've done is motivate some abled bodied person to ' try harder ' - rah us . I do wish they 'd ' try harder ' to see us as flesh and blood people who climbed a fucking mountain . In the real world there should never be an issue regarding consent and cookies , particularly chocolate chip . However , I have been informed that I need to inform you about cookies that may be involved somehow with this blog and with Blogger . I an in my mid sixties and don 't really know what cookies are . . . . here is something from the notice I got : Google uses of certain Blogger and Google cookies , including use of Google Analytics and AdSense cookies . So be aware of that , and I am assuming implied consent because you know that and come back . Of course , you may choose not to come back . This is why I 'm suggesting implied consent . I tried finding a proper code for announcing this and couldn 't . I hope you come back , and I hope you occasionally have a real world cookie , especial on days that are raining . . . or sunny . . . or cloudy . . . Joe and I live in an apartment right smack dab in the center of Toronto . I have worked in the field of disability since graduating from university over 30 years ago . I became disabled a few years ago now and use a wheelchair when out in the world . For those interested , most of my books are available through www . diverse - city . com and if you are wishing to book a lecture or consultation you may do so by emailing daveandjoe @ hotmail . com There are those who have affected the course of my work and my career . I wish to remember them here : Stella YoungManuela Dalla NoraBob ClaytonViktor FranklRobert SovnerMarsha ForrestTerry HaslamJohn MoneySusan ToughSol GordonWinnifred KemptonI believe that we should speak often and well of those who passed our way and whose lives gifted us . Here in this space I wish to memorialize those whose lived lives in service to those with disabilities .

I was in the line up yesterday , at the airport , to check bags and get boarding passes . Joe was returning the rental car and I had been waiting for him to get back . The line up was long and I decided that , given that it takes a bit of time to check in , wheelchair and all , I 'd get in the line up and hope that Joe got back before I reached the front of the line . The baggage cart was loaded down but I was easily able to push it , then me , it , then me , it , then me . I joined the end of the line and slowly , not more slowly than the movement of the line , moved up as space became available . There were people now joining the line behind me . A conversation started between a mom and and dad and a young teen girl . Mom suggested to Dad that he help me with the cart . Dad said that he thought I was doing fine on my own . This let to a spat about generosity and willingness to help out . Mom thought I was struggling with the cart , Dad thought I was doing fine . We reach the part of the line up where I have to turn the cart around to head back the way we came . I can do this , have done it many times . I grab the cart , make the turn , grab my wheels and turn in behind the cart . " He can hear you , you know ! " she said . Her parents stop , look at her , then over at me . " If he wanted help he 'd ask you . Jeeeeeeez ! " I got on the elevator , alone . Just as the door was closing a young man stepped in and scooted beside me . I noticed him when going to the elevator , he had been standing with a small group of other young people , all of whom looked like they lived rough . A voice calls out as the door is closing , " Hold the elevator please ! " I am by the panel so I hit the ' door open ' button and a fellow gets on , slightly older than the youth , maybe early twenties , wearing a very nice suit . He stands for only a second by the younger man , sniffs the air for a second , reaches out and stops the door from closing . He says , " I 'll take the next one . " He gets off . The door closes . The young man beside me doesn 't react to the slight . He knows that he smells of booze and cigarettes and sweat . It 's not a surprise . I don 't react either , everything I can think to say sound , in my mind , as either trite or patronizing . The door opened on the floor we were both going to . I pushed to get off , because I was in position to do so . My front wheels just wouldn 't go over the small lip created by a slightly uneven landing by the elevator . I tried a couple of times . The young ; man stood listlessly beside me , simply waiting . No urgency on his face . I turned to him and asked , " Could you grab hold of the chair and give me a wee push ? " He was now alert . " You want my help ? " His voice was incredulous . " Yeah , if you wouldn 't mind . " He looked at the chair and said , " What do I do ? " I said , " Get behind me , when I ask , just push . " He did as I asked , I put one foot on the floor to give lift and asked him to push on the handles as I pushed on the wheels . I was out . In what I wrote I didn 't give the answer that they worked so hard to get . There were three reasons I didn 't write the answer , first , I 'd written about this before - with answer included and didn 't want to be repeating myself , second , I wanted to demonstrate - for those who hadn 't read the previous post that it really is a hard question for people to get , third , yesterday afternoon I was going to talk about this question in my session on supporting someone who is being bullied and teased and didn 't want to give the answer away here . So . . . the answer . People guess all sorts of reasons why I 'm not bullied all the time . Yet no one has ever questioned the initial reasons . . . when I 'm asked why I 'm bullied , everyone , disabled or not , accept that ' fat ' and ' disabled ' and ' wheelchair user ' and any other attribute to be almost self evident . When in fact the answer gives the lie to that . The reason I am teased only some of the time , not all the time , means , in fact IT CAN ' T BE ABOUT ME . Because if it was , teasing would be constant . Joe and I came into a room that was nearly empty but , once we were in and settled , it began to fill quickly . It was to be a training session for people with intellectual disabilities on bullying and teasing . Joe began his work of preparing the flip chart and arranging the furniture in the front of the room and I looked over my notes , took some calming breaths and listened to the room . You can tell a lot , as a trainer , simply by listening to the room . This one , as it filled with people , also filled with noise . Chatting and joking and positive energy has a sound of it 's own . This room was a good one , it was filled with people glad to be here and glad to be with each other . Right away I knew the group was going to go with me and were prepared to learn and have fun . I know that the topics that I train on , with people with disabilities , are deadly serious : bullying and teasing ; abuse prevention ; rights and responsibilities . But I also know that people learn best when they are laughing , difficult topics can be broached if you bring in a sense of fun and of hope . These folks , they had both in abundance . There are two moments that I wait for in the presentation , for different reasons . Let me tell you about one of them . It 's the moment I ask the group a hard question . It 's not a hard question for people with disabilities . It 's a hard question , period . Here is how the question arises , I tell the group that I get teased and bullied all the time ( which is true ) , and then I ask them why I am teased . They were a kind group and didn 't want to answer but eventually , they described my differences : I 'm fat , I 'm disabled . I 'm in a wheelchair . I said that that list was true , I was all things , I tell them that I 'm going to ask them a very hard question , here it is : I 'm fat all the time ; I 'm disabled all the time ; I 'm in a wheelchair all the time ; but I 'm not teased all the time . Why not ? If my difference is constant , why isn 't the bullying and teasing constant ? They begin with funny answers . " You are asleep in bed sometimes . " " Sometimes the electricity goes out and no one can see you . " But then , the work begins . They test me , to see if I just want them to guess a couple of times then I 'm going to show off by giving the answer - and then they realize that , no , it 's their job to figure it out . They called out answers . The got close to the right answer . They got distracted and went in another direction entirely having good discussion along the way . They were enjoying having their minds work , they were enjoying being the generator of ideas and suggestions . They enjoyed playing ideas off on each other . They enjoyed side conversations about why it might be that I wasn 't teased all the time . They talked about the fact that THEY weren 't teased all the time and tried to figure out the difference between nonteased times and teased times . All this went on at rapid pace . I got to sit there and listen , really listen , to them think , and reason , and figure , and joke and laugh and think again and reason again . A group of people who others think can 't think and can 't reason are doing just that , their words swirling around the room , their ideas slowly unwrapping the question to find the answer . I didn 't even have to say that she got it right . They had been on the path together . They had worked as a group , as a community , towards this . They got it , instantly when she said it . I know he is asleep , but I have to talk to someone . I 'm caged by fear . We are flying to Edmonton in the morning . I had rolled over at about 1 and somehow the anxieties snuck in through the cracks in my eyes . Moments later they were in control . I couldn 't push them away . I couldn 't compartmentalize them . I couldn 't line them up , anxiety by anxiety , fear by fear , and deal with them one at a time . They had formed a chorus , they stood on my chest and took my breath away . They got into my ears and made such noise . I was overwhelmed and I felt lost . I felt the warm of his hand on my shoulder begin to drive the cold fear away . Anxiety took a few more minutes . And , as I waited for them to be fully gone . I fell asleep . Joe hates snakes . Those three words don 't convery his aversion . If he 's flipping through a magazine and accidentally turns to a page where there is a snake , he screams . If we 're looking through channels and come on one with snakes , he screams . If we 're watching a show or a movie and a snake comes on , he screams . If a movie scene with snakes is long , he covers his face looks away and whispers , ' tell me when it 's gone . ' Which I do . This has struck the girls funny ever since they learned of it . And them trying to scare him with a snake has become a kind of tradition . Joe loves it . So , when birthdays come , he knows that there will be a snake drawn in a birthday card , or his name spelled with the J being a snake , or something like that . Getting the snakes . We were going to put snakes , hidden under icing , in Joe 's birthday cake . My mission was to get the snakes . The whole thing almost came to naught because I couldn 't get to the toy store . The Dollar Store only had huge snakes that would never fit on a cake . The clerk , who had shown me where the snakes were , said , " You want it for a birthday cake ? " with horror in her voice . " Yeah , cool , huh ? " I said . So I went over to the mall that has the toy store and found my way blocked by construction , could not get from one side of the mall to the other . I had to go up , and out , and down to an entrance without a door opener and down to that elevator . This was the point at which it almost fell apart , the elevator over there is broken down more than not , it was raining , did I want to go . I went . It was a struggle to decide , but I went . The toy store found me the snakes , the woman who helped me find them , said , " Snakes in icing , awesome ! " I almost invited her to the party . Mike is much better at doing decoration so he and the girls took over the kitchen . I had made a cake , but we had , for this instance , bought cans of icing , both vanilla and chocolate . They were in there working hard . Every now and then one of the girls would come out , look at Joe , and laugh . They 'd go back in and go back to work . Joe looked at me like , " What 's going on ? " He was suspicious . The cake looked beautiful . The snakes were hidden in the brown icing that formed the heart . The cake was brought to Joe to blow out the candles and then cut the first slice . After the candles were done , he started to cut and the knife came into contact with one of the rubber snakes . He said , " What 's this ? " and touched it and pulled it from the icing , letting out a piercing scream ! The girls , and the rest of us , found this very funny , as did Joe when he got over the shock . Suddenly everyone was talking and laughing about the cake . They told Joe that there were two more snakes hidden in there and every time one got pulled out there was more screaming and more laughing . Finally , the snakes are out and the girls are beginning to lick the icing off them . When . . . I got home from work and we headed straight down to the grocery store . Joe had decided that he wanted bangers and mash for supper and that he wanted to eat them while watching either Poirot or Midsummer Murders on Netflix . Then . He wanted to go to bed . We 're both really tired from the travel . It sounded like a perfect birthday for an elderly gent . At the grocery store we quickly found what we wanted , picked out a very small birthday cake , a bigger one will be made today with the help of two little girls who have their own idea of what a ' Joe cake ' should be like . He went this way in the store , I went that way , we met in the middle , with bangers in one hand and a bag of mash in the other . We were good to go . We stopped and checked lottery tickets , picked up a few more , and then were on our way home . All the way there we chatted about our last trip , our upcoming trip and about things that were happening this weekend . We are all going up the tower on Sunday for lunch . It was an easy time . As we sat down in front of the television to watch Poirot work his way through a mystery , it felt nice . To be home . To be together . And just to be having a relaxing time on Joe 's first night of birthday celebrations . Later he said that he thought the universe had given him a gift . " Did you notice , " he said , " we went shopping when it was very busy , we don 't go on Friday because it 's so busy , and there 's no blog to write . Everything was just fine we were just like two people together shopping . " What do you say when everything has already been said about someone else to someone else ? What do you say when words , meant deeply , sound trite ? What do you say when you want to say what Hallmark says but in a way that they haven 't - and can 't ? He turns 63 today . For a couple of months he is older than me . He the old man , me the arm candy . He who dotters and me who wipes dribble . I pamper the Pampered . Yep , it 's a fine couple of months . Speaking a bit louder . Engaging more patience . We play on every stereotype that we see in ourselves in our transition from boys to ' men of a certain age . ' People who see us together can see that his care of me is both gentle and respectful and still , after 8 years of disability , loving . I add that in about disability because the change for me from walking to rolling was enormous . The change for him was equally so . Everything changed all at once . We met at 16 and I was there for his 17th birthday party . A much different affair than we 've planned for tonight . We 've just got home from a long trip and about to leave on another . We 're going to stay home and fall asleep by 7 , maybe 7 : 30 . Dinner ? We haven 't decided . It doesn 't matter . It will get figured . Joe and I went to the Opera . It was in the movie theatre , but it 's still the Opera . It was general seating so we went early to ensure we got to sit together . When we arrived none of the four wheelchair seating spaces were taken , so we had our choice . We chose to sit at the one closest to the middle of the screen . I 'm used to , at home , always having to sit on either the far right or far left of the screen . The luxury that Americans have to sit in the middle , or near the middle , is amazing to me . We got in and settled . A few minutes later a patron , who was sitting directly behind us , tapped Joe on his shoulder and said , " Could you please move him over to the far side , he 's very tall . " Joe said , " Ask him . " A face turned to me and said , " You are very tall , could you sit over there , and pointed to the seat at the far side . I looked back at a theatre much less than half full . I looked at all the seats that there were for non disabled people to choose to sit . I said , " I 'm going to stay here , but I 'll get my other chair , I sit lower in it . " Joe zipped out to the car and got my manual chair , I sit 4 to 5 inches lower in that chair . While he was gone I moved my power chair out of the way and parked it . Joe came in , helped me transfer into the manual and then we went back to our seats . We figured that was that and we would settle into our seats . I was shocked because there was no way that that patron couldn 't see over me . The theatre had disabled seating immediately in front of a raised platform , the seats began there . You had to walk up stairs to get to the row behind . I said , " I am really sorry , but you have a lot of choices of where to sit . I don 't . I 'd like to sit here . If you would like to move up and back , please do . But this here , it 's my seat . " A few seconds later we heard the patron move one seat over , behind Joe , closer to the centre of the screen . One seat over . We were asked to move way over to the side of the screen , and all that was needed was a shift of one seat . When it was over we had to wait until nearly everyone was gone , while we waited , Joe went up to the seat behind me to see if I had really been in the way . He said that , from that vantage point looking at the screen , even down to the subtitles , I was not in the way . " I don 't even the that you 'd have been in the way in the power chair either , " he said . Finally , it was clear enough so that we could get me back over to my chair , help me transfer in , and then leave . So I wasn 't asked to move because of sight lines , I was asked to move to be out of sight , off to the side , in the margins of the theatre . Yesterday I was doing the keynote speech at a conference in Pennsylvania . When I had arrived at the hotel for check in I noticed that there were a lot of people with intellectual disabilities there and there was an excited buzz in the lobby and conference area . I went back to my room to prepare for my speech and I began to think about the keynote . I thought about how people with disabilities might feel in a room with a guy talking , no graphics , no power point , no visuals to amplify the material . So the next morning , before giving the speech , I spoke to the organizers and told them that when I was booked I didn 't realize that I 'd be speaking to an audience of both people with disabilities and those who support them . I explained about how , when I have an integrated audience , I like to give an integrated keynote wherein I use both lecture and role play all at the same time . I take some of the stories and turn them into a skit and have people with disabilities , and others if necessary , volunteer to play out roles . She thought it was a great idea and gave me the go ahead . When it came to the first role play , which was to demonstrate that people with disabilities have to walk the walk they need to walk and that we support them in that walk ; we don 't take the walk from them . We don 't take the experience way . We don 't fight battles that aren 't ours to fight . I asked for three volunteers and suddenly I had 10 people with disabilities up front with me . Quick adaption is the name of the game , so it was set up . The audience and those doing the roll plays got into what they were doing and it was so much fun . When the volunteers took a bow , the audience roared their support . Then they made their way to their seats . All but one . A woman with Williams Syndrome stood alone , a few feet to my right . She was waiting for the others to sit . When they had , she gave a short but impassioned speech . So , I 'm coming back to my hotel room . Down at the other end of the hallway a door opens and two people . dressed up for the evening , come out of their room and head towards me . As we get closer , I pull over to the right side , as they were walking on the left , to ensure that they had plenty of room to pass . I know they had plenty of room to pass , I 'd gone by a loaded down housekeepers cart on my way by already . Just before we meet , they startle the hell out of me by dashing in front of me , right in front of me , into an alcove created in the hallway at door entrances . I have to immediately pull to the left as now , if I continued straight , I 'd hit them . Why ? Because they are leaning out smiling at me . Faces shining because they 've done something nice for me . Their faces looked at me in anticipation as I drew close and then shock when I went by , silently . They knew I 'd seen them . Their gesture was obvious . I had wanted something from them - to walk by me normally , and they wanted something from me , to confirm that they are wonderful people . I 've met Justin Trudeau , briefly , twice over the last couple of years . As he is now fighting to become Canada 's next Prime Minister , I wanted to write about those two meetings . The first was after Church on Church , which is a huge service held , yearly , by Metropolitan Community Church of Toronto . It is an event which a lot of community leaders attend . It 's not uncommon to see leaders of both the Liberal Party and the New Democratic Party sitting right up front . This picture was taken shortly after the service ended . Mr . Trudeau was passing by in front of me and I called out to him , asking him if he could pause for a picture with Ruby and Sadie . Though he was being rushed along by those surrounding him , he heard me . Looked over at me , and then something odd happened . He didn 't simply dismiss my request . As a disabled fat man , I 'm used to being disregarded and unheard , so I was taken aback . He had to shake off those insisting on him rushing out . He came over and I began organizing the picture of him with the kids . He said , " Well , why aren 't you going to be in the picture ? " I mumbled something about needing to take the picture and he laughed and said , " I 've got people who can help with that . " With that he handed the camera to one of the people with him and knelt down beside me , put his arm around the back of my chair and , when Ruby and Sadie were in place , the shot was taken . I thanked him , he graciously thanked me for wanting the picture . I know this is the kind of thing that politicians do . But there was a genuineness in the interaction that left me feeling like Mr . Trudeau was a different sort of guy . Not a different sort of politician , but a different sort of person , one who managed to see difference differently . The next time I met him was the following Pride day . We were going up Ted Rogers Way towards the gathering point for groups who were organizing themselves to be in the parade . I was slowly making my way up the sidewalk to join my group . Behind me surged a group of people carrying Liberal Party signs and wearing Liberal Party tee shirts . They were clearly rushing . They flowed by me , making it difficult for me to navigate , in my larger than normal , power chair . I felt very in the way . I looked up at one young and earnest face and apologized , as I do , both because I 'm disabled and used to apology and because I 'm Canadian and it 's in my \ DNA . A voice spoke behind me . " You don 't need to apologize , we do . " I looked back and saw that it was Mr . Trudeau . As he approached me he stated that it was they who were rushing by me , it was them making the sidewalk overcrowded , I nodded and said , " Well everyone is rushing right now . " He said that that was gracious of me but people needed to be respectful of my right to space too . I 've written before about the massive design flaw on my power wheelchair , and that flaw causes me , oddly , to come into contact with some of the nicest people . You see the problem is the tires . They 've made it so that an ordinary human mortal , with regular kind of tools , can 't put air in the tires . I guess that would be WAY to convenient for those of us who roll around on tires to actually be able to put air in those tires . As a result , when the tires get low , I have to seek out a mechanic or a tire specialist of some sort and ask if they would mind taking a few minutes - because it 's hard for them to do too - to pump me up . Here 's the thing , no one , any where , has let me pay for the service . They all insist it 's too small a job to charge for , or that it 's no big deal , or that , as one guy insists , it 's a nice break from the routine . We left Toronto on this road trip knowing that my tires were dangerously low . As a result the steering became sluggish , carpets became really hard to navigate and backing up was powerfully slow . I knew , just knew , that we should have gone and got them filled where we usually go . I held back because that 's the only place I go and I hate having to go and ask them a few times a year . Not because they raise a complaint but because I feel like I 'm bothering them . People don 't have to make you feel a bother for you to feel a bother . Well , yesterday we were leaving a mall and I spotted a Firestone Store and , even though it was late and we were both tired , I , on impulse , said , " Let 's go see if they will do my tires . " Joe missed the turn into the store but we were determined now so we went round the block and found our way in . Joe pulled up by the entrance , went in , I saw him waiting in line to ask if they would do wheelchair tires . When he got to the front of the line , he was there only seconds . The man behind the desk , said they would help , no question . We pulled up to where I thought I would get out but the mechanic just waved us over , had me unclamped while in the van so I could move around for him to get at the tires . First one side , then the other , and it was done . It 's weird sitting in a chair that 's getting tires pumped , You rise up on one side , then the other . We thanked him , he brushed off the thanks , and , after clamping me back down , we drove off with tires perfectly filled . Outside my hotel room window stands two maple trees which have been set ablaze by the season . They are surrounded by golds and greens and burgundies . I 've been sitting , fingers on keyboard waiting to start tapping out the letters which will lead to a blog , looking out at the beauty of the Poconos for a really long time . Right now the world looks beautiful , and peaceful and serene . I need this . A couple of days ago I was part of a panel that presented on the issue of abuse of people with disabilities within systems . The focus of the presentation was abuse prevention and how to create organizations that are safer for people with disabilities to live in . It was a resource rich presentation , binders full of information were given out , Four presenters , including myself , had three and a half hours to take people through approaches and strategies that are necessary for people to feel , and be , safe when receiving service . I was pleased and proud to be part of the presentation . I admire my co - presenters and their passion . I was glad that the conference accepted the proposal for a pre - conference . I believe in the subject matter and it 's ultimate importance . But I find these presentations , more than any others , wildly exhausting . We are talking about abuse , we are talking about the importance of safety . We are talking about people 's lives . We are talking about hurt . We are talking about trust and trust violated . We are talking about things that matter deeply to me for deeply personal reasons . From the next presentation I rushed here , to this hotel , surrounded by trees impossibly beautiful . And I realized that I needed this beauty . I needed the world to look safe and serene . ' Wow , ' was the response when I was telling a friend about my travels this month . They are extensive and I 'm all over the place doing all sorts of things . We won 't be home except for a couple days in October . I like what I do , but I admit it 's tiring a fact which my friend picked up on and said . ' That must be so hard on you , all the travel and the hotels and the restaurant food - I 'd hate it . Don 't you get really tired . ' My answer , once I got started was about travelling with a wheelchair and about the access issues and about the attitudes we encounter . I stopped because I could see I was annoying her . ' I didn 't ask for the disabled Travellers Chronicles , ' she said , ' I asked how YOU were doing . Just you . ' But she wanted to know how I was doing . How I was handling the travel stresses , not the ones that come with disabilities , but the regular ones . Stress in travel isn 't just a disability issue is it . We popped into a wine store , on Thanksgiving Monday , a day when most such stores are closed . Joe picked out a couple of bottles of wine and , as we were checking out , we were offered a large bottle of cider , with cinnamon flavouring , which was on special . Even though Joe 's not a cider drinker , we picked it up , anticipating that we may have use for it over the upcoming holidays . About a block away , a fellow of maybe 40 was sitting on the street with a sign asking for money . It was a terrifically honest sign saying that he wanted to celebrate Thanksgiving with a bottle of wine or a case of beer . After quickly conferring with Joe , I approached him and said , " What about , instead of money , we just gave you a bottle of cider . " A husband and wife team sped up to us and started laying into us about what we had just done . We , apparently , were horrible people feeding his addiction . We were enabling him and as a direct result of our behaviour he would stay on the street . I asked if they were addiction counsellors and they said they weren 't but that ' everyone knew that . ' I told them that I didn 't know why he was on the street , I didn 't know if he was an alcoholic or if he had any addiction , I was just moved to give him what he asked for . It 's Thanksgiving Sunday . We are just back , and we are tired . The grocery store is busy . Ahead of us is a young woman , a personal support worker , for an elderly woman . The line up isn 't long , but it 's slow . We had crossed paths with the two of them several times while shopping . The staff seems efficient at getting the woman through the store and getting groceries into the cloth bag she carries . While waiting in the line up the elderly woman turns and asks , in a soft and trembling voice , " When did he die ? When did my son die . " The staff , answered , her voice flat , like she 's answered the question before , " Three years ago . " Tears start falling , " I can 't remember . I can 't remember the date . Now the anniversary of his death feels like every day , because I can 't remember . " " The date , I need to know the date . Now she is crying harder , " I need you to help me shop but I need you to help me remember . My son . He died . I can remember his birthday , but I can 't remember , I never remember , the date he died . " " I need to remember , I need to remember now . He was a good son . " She is crying hard but quietly , she is guided to sit on her stroller . " No one cares , no one cares but me , and I don 't remember , what kind of mother am I ? I need your help to remember . " The woman behind me , to me , loudly , " She says this happens all the time . What would it take for her to just remember when the old woman 's son died ? She has a job because she has trouble remembering , then remember for her ! Getting the shopping done , getting meals prepared may be her job . But remembering for someone who can 't , there is where the honour lies . The absolute honour . I 'm sorry but I can 't take this any more . " She pulled out of the line up , put her cart to the side and begins to leave . She stops , her cart pushed to the side , " I do know what it 's like to forget . That 's why I 'm upset . When I need help , I hope I get what I need , promise me you 'll do more than your job , promise me you 'll remember what she needs remembered . " But she didn 't wait for an answer . She left . The woman , who 's son died , is sitting , hearing none of this , on her walker . crying . I just realized that sometimes , when I don 't realize it , I can be easily perceived to be a nag , or a jerk or extremely critical . And . . . I 'm , in those situations , none of those things . ( Although I accept that Joe may disagree . ) Only a few seconds ago , Joe was getting ready to take a bag down to the car . I suggested he go down and get a cart . I saw his face set with exasperation and he headed downstairs . Now , he 's been driving since I became disabled . He gets me where I want to go safely . I know that . He 's a good driver . In my head , I 'm helping . I find it frustrating that the things I used to physically help Joe with , or help Joe do , I can 't any more . It troubles me that he has to do this all on his own . He 's getting older too and it isn 't as easy for him to do what he has always done . He 's open about that . I rolled into the big conference room , set up with chairs for nearly 600 people , and made my way down an aisle created by nice people pulling their chairs in a little bit . . Then , appearing as if by magic , was a long , wide , ramp , in front of me . Joe , who was helping me , pushed me up the ramp and I pulled round facing the table placed on the podium for me . I didn 't get much of a chance to think about anything because suddenly I was talking to techies about microphones and electronics . During the introduction and warm up , we were all asked to think about a word that would express how we feel in the moment and then the audience was to share that word , or a handshake or a hug with each other . I was on the podium so I didn 't have a chance to share my word . I had a word , it came clearly to mind when the question was asked . So I started by saying that I wanted to share my word . The word I shared was ' welcomed ' . . . I felt welcomed . I pointed out the ramp , leading up to the podium and talked about how rare it is that people bother with the ramp . It 's like people think that there would never be a need for someone with a disability to be on a podium , with a microphone and something to say . " ' Welcome , ' isn 't an attitude you feel , it 's an action you take , it 's the act of making welcome . I felt welcomed and I expressed my gratitude for the fact that the hotel owned the ramp ( most have to rent one ) and the organizers had it set up for me . We are on the road , with the exception of one day home , for Thanksgiving , for three weeks . This means that there are so many variables that need to be worried about , because worry is such a helpful part of my emotional vocabulary , that there is often little room for anything else . There 's just so much that can go wrong , even with meticulous planning , when travelling with , and in , a wheelchair . So far , though we are just starting , we 've been doing mostly OK . Rooms have been accessible and we 've gotten where we are supposed to go with little problem . What 's been remarkable , so far , is that at every stage of this trip , Joe and I break the trip down into survivable sections , each with worries independent of each other , in this way we organize our worries into groups where they can do the most good , is that our worry is working . So we don 't worry about the hotel on the first night , when we 've got the flight to worry about first . This keeps the lists of ' could go wrongs ' short and our worrying more targeted . We find that most effective . From the lesbian bus driver who picked us up and took us to the airport . She had us laughing all the way . She 's one of the most naturally funny people I 've ever met . She distracted us from our worry , which I think was her diabolical intent , as we laughed for almost 45 minutes straight . We got off the bus feeling so refreshed , which is an amazing feat given that we were at the airport at 4 : 45 AM . We were then able to return to worrying with a renewed sense of purpose . Someone said that I should convert worrying to prayer . Now there 's a conversion that I don 't want to make . I don 't want to be waking God up at 3 in the morning with a request that the bus arrive on time . I think what with the state of the world , God 's got worries lined up for an eternity . I leave the world to God and take care of my stuff with my own skilled and muscular worrying . We were off the plane . It had been a struggle to get up the ramp , but it had been managed . We fly a lot and this moment , the ' off the plane ' moment is a difficult one . We always ask for assistance and most often , they don 't show . Or rather , they show , see me , recognize that I 'm a big man to push , and then disappear . Sometimes they will offer me a service I can 't use . The cart that they bring is simply impossible for me to get on to , the step is too high , my balance is too poor . We were in that position , my help did not show , those there to help others who needed wheelchairs avoided eye contact , often in really obvious ways - as if they wanted me to see that they had no intention of helping . We chatted with her the whole way , and she guided us to where we needed to go . On one big ramp she watched as Joe took me over by the hand rail and I pulled myself up with my left arm as my right hand pushed me up and Joe braced the back and pushed when I pulled . We got up easily . She couldn 't keep astonishment off her face . I need what I need and I know what I need . I 'm guessing anyone else with a disability or who supports someone with a disability is equally expert in every situation they are in as to the help they need . It 's a pity that our expertise is ignored in the face of assumption and presumption . Right now , after a 5 hour flight and a six hour drive , I 'm in a hotel . I 'm about to make another 5 hour drive . We manage these things because we manage these things . When we ask for help , it 's likely to be something that we know can be done - because that 's the only thing that makes sense . Voting is a serious matter for both Joe and I . We are voters . We try to be informed voters as well . To us , voting is a precious won right and a vitally important responsibility . So when we realized that we were away from home on voting day and that we would barely make it back for the advance polls we decided to take advantage of ' special ballot ' voting . This means that up until the 13th of October we can go to Elections Canada Office of the Returning Officer and cast a ballot . We did this yesterday . I had called ahead to see about the hours and the accessibility and when I asked about access the woman was almost insulted , " Of course we are accessible , sir , of course we are . " I didn 't say anything but in my experience there 's lots of places where you 'd assume , incorrectly , " of course , " to access . We were informed about the ' special ballot ' voting in a mailing that we received from Elections Canada . What was cool about that mailing was that it had a list of the accessibility features of both the advance poll and the voting day polling stations . I popped over to the accessibility page on the Elections Canada website and was pretty impressed . I really liked being able to type in my postal code and find out everything I needed to know about polling stations . I found the list of mandatory ( and preferred ) features used in selection polling stations interesting . I liked the fact that accessibility was more than just getting in , there was information on assistance with marking a ballot and for sign language , amongst other languages , and that they could take requests in 110 languages . We arrived just a little after one and went through the voting process , which is different , but not difficult , we discovered for ' special ballots ' and then slammed our vote into the voting box . The whole thing was easy because access was simply an ' of course ' and there was nothing to worry about . I will admit , though , when it came our turn , I asked Joe to go first just to check out the area for accessibility , I have a large chair after all . In the end Joe was still in , finishing up voting , when it came to be my turn . It was the same woman who had come to get Joe and when I was in her office having my ID checked , I relaxed . I could not hear the other person but I knew that they were a non - disabled person desperately wanting to help . I knew this only because of the tone and the words of the person whose speech I could hear . We were grocery shopping and I was coming up an aisle that would end just where the fridges are for milk when I heard him speaking . He spoke with the " disability voice " which combines these features : I came round the corner , and sure enough , there was a man with a disability with a bag of three bags of milk in his hands and a store basket on his lap . He looked over at me , I looked at him , he said , " Hi , how are you ? " like we were old friends . I greeted him back . At that the other person said , " Well , if you are sure you 're OK , I 'll leave you to talk to your friend , " then quickly left . Joe and I settled in to our Friday night , luxuriating in the idea of the weekend ahead of us . Alex was his usual charming and genial self , he 's part of the reason we like this show , and the game was fast , with the champion making mincemeat of his opponents . Then , out of nowhere , a clue is read out which used the phrase ' wheelchair bound . ' It happened too quickly , it 's impact so immediate , that I didn 't catch the entire clue . I caught enough of it to know that the term was used descriptively , in the present tense , and wasn 't referring to the dim dark past where terms like that were routinely used . Before I could react with words , Joe reacted with a more guttural form of ' egad ! ' Somehow , without any real reason , we thought Jeopardy would be more evolved in its understanding of language and of the impact of language . Here 's a show with a huge reach , using language which depicts disability in an archaic manner . Our fight for language which represents us rather than demeans us is far from over . As a wheelchair user myself , I find the term ' wheelchair bound ' offensive primarily because the image it brings to mind is inaccurate . I am not bound by the chair , I 'm freed by it . It gives me the life I live . But I don 't need to tell any of you that , do I ? You know , sometimes people otta just freaking use Google before they speak . So some dude from the tourism department of Nepal in talking about their wish to ban disabled climbers from the mountain said : ' Climbing Everest is not a joke . It is not a matter of discrimination - how can you climb without legs ? ' I 'll admit I don 't get why anyone , disabled or not , wants to climb Everest . We went to see the movie Everest and that was quite enough of an adventure for me . But , in the end , it doesn 't matter that I don 't get it . What matters is that people want to do it , even though it 's dangerous , and that people are often quite changed by the experience . The decision to ban a whole group of people based solely on a prejudicial notion of who disabled people are and what disabled people can and can 't do , is , quite simply , offensive . What 's even more offensive is that the facts of the matter don 't matter . Disabled people , of all stripes , have climbed Everest . Even , and this will shock the whole of the Tourism Department . . . people without legs ! ! ! I don 't follow the world of climbing . I 'm not from Nepal . I couldn 't identify Everest from a mugs line up of mountain peaks , but even I know that Everest has been climbed and climbed and climbed again by people with all sorts of disabilities . Eli Reimer , a teen with Down Syndrome climbed 70 miles to base camp simply because he wanted to . But none of this matters because these stories are turned into stories about ' can do it ' attitudes and ' conquering ' disability rather than demonstration of personal skill and ability , the equalization of dreams , the adaptiveness and creativity with which people with disabilities approach challenges . No , what we 've done is motivate some abled bodied person to ' try harder ' - rah us . I do wish they 'd ' try harder ' to see us as flesh and blood people who climbed a fucking mountain . In the real world there should never be an issue regarding consent and cookies , particularly chocolate chip . However , I have been informed that I need to inform you about cookies that may be involved somehow with this blog and with Blogger . I an in my mid sixties and don 't really know what cookies are . . . . here is something from the notice I got : Google uses of certain Blogger and Google cookies , including use of Google Analytics and AdSense cookies . So be aware of that , and I am assuming implied consent because you know that and come back . Of course , you may choose not to come back . This is why I 'm suggesting implied consent . I tried finding a proper code for announcing this and couldn 't . I hope you come back , and I hope you occasionally have a real world cookie , especial on days that are raining . . . or sunny . . . or cloudy . . . Joe and I live in an apartment right smack dab in the center of Toronto . I have worked in the field of disability since graduating from university over 30 years ago . I became disabled a few years ago now and use a wheelchair when out in the world . For those interested , most of my books are available through www . diverse - city . com and if you are wishing to book a lecture or consultation you may do so by emailing daveandjoe @ hotmail . com There are those who have affected the course of my work and my career . I wish to remember them here : Stella YoungManuela Dalla NoraBob ClaytonViktor FranklRobert SovnerMarsha ForrestTerry HaslamJohn MoneySusan ToughSol GordonWinnifred KemptonI believe that we should speak often and well of those who passed our way and whose lives gifted us . Here in this space I wish to memorialize those whose lived lives in service to those with disabilities .

Copyright © 2009 by Grant Bentley . All Rights Reserved . If any nice person , nasty person , place , event , happening , thing , or sport , seems familiar , it is purely coincidental . I 'm twenty six . I 'm a high school Math teacher in a small town about half an hour from Calgary . I moved to the city two years ago to allow myself a nightlife and some anonymity . I moved into an older neighbourhood where the population is predominantly empty nesters . Most are in their forties and fifties , very friendly , easy to get along with and quiet . There are couple of families with kids , and a small walk - up apartment building with mostly young guys living in it , but they too tend to be friendly and quiet . It 's not surprising then that Halloween is no exception , and also tends to be quiet . Where some neighbourhoods have several hundred little trick or treaters , we might get twenty or thirty . Even though it was on a Friday night , this year appeared to be no different . It was nine forty five and I had seen twenty one kids . There might be a few more , but it wasn 't likely as there were seldom any kids coming to the door after nine or nine thirty . I was ready to turn the front light off and kick back and finally relax when my doorbell started to ring non - stop as if someone were leaning on it . Now , I had worked all day and been up and down handing out treats since I got home , so it had been a very long day . I was way past tired and became instantly angry . ' Who the hell leans on the doorbell like that ? ' I said to myself . Halloween or not , someone was going to get an earful when I opened the door . I stormed down the hall and yanked the door open . Standing there was a boy about fifteen or sixteen made up as a zombie , big gouges out of his face with blood all down his chin and neck and onto his shirt and jacket . If I hadn 't been so angry , I would have taken the time to admire what was easily as good as any professional makeup job . Instead , I glared at him and said , " What the hell ? " ' Okay , this is crap , ' I thought , ' I 'm not in the mood for some kid 's stupid Halloween prank at nearly ten o ' clock . ' I had to admit , though , I was torn between being angry as hell or impressed as hell . As a Halloween prank , it was a pretty damn good one . He and his buddies had done an outstanding job . The whole effect with the makeup and knife sticking out of his back looked pretty awesome . But the amount of fake blood was seriously overdone . It was everywhere . I 'm sure my prankster was expecting me to totally freak out , but no such luck kiddo . I waited for him to jump up and run off shouting , " Ha Ha . Gotcha man ! " or something equally annoying . But , it never happened . When he didn 't move after several seconds , I began to get nervous . I tentatively reached down to shake his shoulder and let him know the joke was over when I realized the amount of fake blood was increasing - quickly . It wasn 't fake , it was real blood ! This was no prank , this boy had really been stabbed and he was going to die right here in my entryway if I didn 't move fast . I ran to the phone , grabbed it and dialled 911 as I ran back to the boy . I knew you should use pressure to stop bleeding but how the hell do you do that when there 's a knife there ? I was very close to going into a full scale panic attack when the dispatcher came on . " A boy 's been stabbed ! He 's bleeding badly ! The knife is still in his back ! I don 't know what to do ! He 's going to die ! " I frantically yelled into the phone . The dispatcher was excellent . He spoke in a very calm voice and told me an ambulance and paramedics would here in less than five minutes . He didn 't even ask where I lived . I guess they get the address from the phone number , I don 't know . He asked me a couple of questions like , how old the boy appeared to be , and some other questions I can 't remember anymore . The calmness of his voice did actually help to calm me down , unfortunately not very much . He asked me to feel for a pulse , so I felt the boy 's neck for a pulse and could feel a very weak one . He said that was good . It meant he hadn 't lost too much blood and the paramedics had a good chance of saving him . I 'm not sure if that was true or not or just a way of helping me calm down some more . If it was , it worked , though God knows what I would have done if there had been no pulse . The worst thing was that there was nothing I could do . I was squatting there watching this boy bleed to death . All I could do for him was stroke his hair and tell him he was going to be okay as the paramedics would be here in a minute . I had never felt so helpless . Where the hell were they ? ? ? ? After a couple of minutes , I could hear the sirens in the distance . A minute later they were here and there were two paramedics running across my lawn . The look of concern on their faces was very evident . I quickly got out of their way to let them do their job . Less than a minute after the ambulance arrived , there were two police cars pulling up in front of the house . There were three police officers , two in the first car and one in the second . About thirty seconds later , there was a television news van complete with cameraman and reporter in front of the house across the street . One of the officers came directly over to me , one went over to the boy and the paramedics , stood back , watched them work and jotted down a few notes on a pad , and the third started moving people back away from the scene , including the news crew . It seemed like half the city had converged on my front sidewalk in a matter of seconds . The officer that came over to me introduced himself to me as Constable Moore . He asked me if I could give him a brief explanation of what happened . I started to explain what happened , but I found it difficult to keep my attention focused on him . I couldn 't take my eyes off the paramedics who were working on the boy and I kept wondering what was taking them so long . However , I did manage to explain , in bits and pieces , the events of the last ten or fifteen minutes . He was very good and didn 't pressure me . He paused several times to allow me to see what was happening . He also helped me to regulate my breathing and calm down more than once . After they left , I was able to calm down a little more . I did remember a couple of other things about the boy . I had seen him walking by my house quite often in the last month or so , probably on his way home from work or practice . At least I thought it was him , although it was hard to be sure because of the makeup . If it was him , I was also pretty sure I had seen him go into the small , walk - up apartment on the corner . Constable Moore thanked me and said that would also help in their investigation . Unfortunately , my house was now a crime scene and I wouldn 't be able to enter it again until the police had completed their investigation . Constable Moore asked me if there was someone I could call . It wasn 't so much that I needed somewhere to spend the night . I could stay in a hotel . It was more that he was concerned that I shouldn 't be alone after everything that had just happened and the state I was in . I phoned Scotty , a close friend of mine , told him briefly what happened and asked him if he could come and pick me up . Within minutes , he was here . By then there were already several police vehicles in front of the house . They even seemed to have a complete forensics lab in a large van . Constable Moore asked me if I needed anything out of the house . I asked for my keys that were on the stand by the door . He got them for me and asked if I had a spare key so they could lock the house up when they were done . Scotty had one and gave it to him . As we turned to leave , Constable Moore was approached by a small group of kids who got into a very animated conversation with him . I hoped they were friends of the boy and had some idea about what had happened . As Constable Moore was now preoccupied , the other two officers walked Scotty and me to Scotty 's car and stood between the news crew and us . Twice before I noticed one or both of them intercept the news crew before they could get to me . I would be forever grateful to them for that , and for escorting us to the car , as I have no idea how or even if I would have been able to respond to their questions . It wasn 't until I was in the car with Scotty , where I wasn 't caught up in all the activity , no one was asking me questions and vying for my attention , that it all came down on me . I suddenly felt overwhelmed and fell apart completely . Scotty wrapped his arms around me and just held me . Finally , after about five minutes , I was able to somewhat pull myself together . We drove in silence to his place . I felt completely exhausted . I had no energy left . I didn 't even have the energy to cry anymore . Scotty parked in his garage and walked around , opened my door and helped me get out of the car and walk into the house . He fluffed up a pillow , helped me lay back on the sofa and then sat on the floor beside me and stroked my arm . Neither of us said anything . I couldn 't . I just needed to know he was there and he knew that . I don 't know how long I stared at the ceiling before I finally fell asleep . The next thing I knew , it was nine thirty the next morning and I could smell fresh coffee brewing and bacon cooking . I managed to rouse myself up off the sofa and make my way to the bathroom . When I looked in the mirror , it was like I had aged ten years . My eyes were red , puffy , and bloodshot . My cheeks looked pale in spite of a day 's growth of beard . To put it mildly , I looked like hell . I felt like hell too . Scotty walked over and gave me a hug . " I know , " he said and he held for a minute or so , then gave me a squeeze and added , " Come on , sit down and eat . Then after breakfast , we can go over to the hospital and find out how he 's doing . " We didn 't talk much more as we ate breakfast . It was delicious , but it was all I could do to force it down . After we finished eating , we drove over to the hospital . I 'm not a particularly religious person , but I prayed most of the way there . As soon as we arrived , we went to the main desk and asked the receptionist about the boy who had been admitted last night after being stabbed . I told her I was the one who discovered him and called the ambulance and we just wanted to know how he was doing . She apologized and told us she wasn 't free to give out any information other than that he was in the ICU or Intensive Care Unit . She said the nurses there might be able to help and gave us directions . I couldn 't help but smile a little smile … he was still alive . Scotty smiled back and gave my shoulder a squeeze . As we walked into the ICU , the first person we saw was Constable Moore . As soon as he saw us walk in he came right over . " They 're still not sure , " he replied , " He lost a lot of blood and was in surgery for five hours last night . He 's listed in critical condition but I just talked to the doctors and they said everything went very well . They seem pretty positive . Another fifteen minutes though , and they 're not sure they would have been able to save him , so your quick action probably saved his life . " He started for the door , but just before he got there he turned and came back . " Sorry , I almost forgot . Here 's your key . You 're free to go home anytime . The forensics crew are finished there now . " I felt so relieved . The boy was going to be alright , or at least , it sounded like he would be . That 's all I needed to know . Since Scotty and I weren 't relatives , we knew no one would give us any more information on his condition , so there was little point hanging around the hospital . Just as we were ready to leave , a young man , who appeared to be in his early twenties , approached us . " I 'm sorry , but I overheard you talking to Constable Moore . I 'm Steve 's brother , Trent , " he said , " I just want to thank you for all you did . You saved his life . Thank you . I don 't know what I would do if I lost him . " " You may not think it 's much , but my brother is alive because of you . And , you obviously care enough to come to the hospital to see how he is . That 's more than ' just calling 911 ' as far as I 'm concerned , " he said as he reached out to shake my hand . He quickly walked over to the nurses ' station , told them where he would be , and we were off to the hospital 's cafeteria . Once there , Scotty and I just ordered coffee as we had eaten breakfast not too long ago . Trent ordered coffee and what appeared to be ham , scrambled eggs , and hash browns . We sat quietly for a few minutes as I think Trent was hungrier than he thought and was putting the food away quite quickly . When he was nearly finished his breakfast , he stopped and looked at us . " I still don 't know how to thank you enough . I honestly don 't think I would want to live if I ever lost Steve . It 's just been him and me for the past year since our Mom died , " he said . " Yeah , probably after work . He works part - time at Home Depot , " he responded , " Steve is still in high school though . He wanted to quit and get a full - time job but I wouldn 't let him . If you don 't have your diploma you won 't get anywhere in today 's world . " Once we got back up to the ICU , Trent went straight to the nurses ' station . He came back with a smile . " Steve 's still listed as critical , but they 've upgraded his status to critical but stable . Unless something totally unforeseen happens , they 're pretty sure he 's going to be okay . " I pulled a chair up beside him , sat and put my arm around him . He just leaned into me and wept . After a few minutes , he lifted his head and looked at me . " Sorry , " he said smiling , " I just got your shirt all wet . " " He didn 't say much , except they arrested a guy like you said , " he replied , " Most of what I know , I found out from Jason . Actually , he just left a couple of hours ago . I guess Steve was at a Halloween party at Jason 's friend 's place , a few doors down from you . The party was crashed by a bunch of older guys who were drunk and stoned when they got there . Since they were older and bigger , everyone kinda backed off and left them alone . They should have phoned the police right away , but I guess they were afraid of some sort of retaliation later . " But , when the guys started getting rowdy and wrecking stuff , Steve , being Steve , stood up and told them to leave or he was calling the cops . One guy started pushing him around , then grabbed him , threw him out the door and then went after him . When the guy came back in a couple of minutes later , he said something to his friends and they took off . One of the girls , Sheila , ran out and got their licence number as they drove off . " When Steve didn 't come back , some of them went looking for him . That 's when they saw the ambulance and police at your place . Jason got close enough to see it was Steve . He ran and got me but by then the ambulance had left , so we ran back , got his car and drove right here . Sheila and some others went over to your place to tell the police what they knew and give them the licence number . " " And you 're not helping him by staying here and trying to stay awake until he 's ready to go home , " a young nurse said to Trent with a smile , " You need to go home and get some rest . The doctors know what they 're doing . Getting yourself all run down isn 't helping Steve or you . " " Look , I promise to phone and let you know if there is any change and you can be back here in what ? Ten minutes ? " she said , " But if you keep this up , you 're going to end up being admitted yourself . You have to take a break and get some rest . " " Why don 't you come home with Scotty and me ? " I suggested , " That way , you won 't be alone and we 'll be there to drive you back anytime . I can give the desk my number to phone if there are any changes . " We led him out to the car , got him settled in and drove home in silence . Once we got to my place and got out of the car , he froze and just stared at my front door . I put my arm around his shoulders and led him around to the back door . We entered the kitchen and I asked him if he wanted a coffee or if he was hungry . He lay down on the sofa . I got him a pillow and a blanket . Within five minutes , he was sound asleep . I think he had been running on pure adrenalin and didn 't realize just how exhausted he was . Scotty and I sat around visiting and discussing the night 's events for a couple of hours before Scotty decided he better go home and get some work done . It was seven the next morning before Trent woke up and moved again . Actually , I think he would have slept longer except the phone rang . I quickly answered it but I was too late . When I glanced over , he was already sitting up . It was a call from one of the nurses at the hospital . She asked for Trent . I looked at him and handed him the phone . He looked terrified and I don 't think I looked much better . After listening for a few seconds , a huge smile broke out on his face as he thanked her for calling . As we were getting in my car , he turned to me and said , " Thank you . I really appreciate all your help . You have no idea how much . " " You can go in and see him if you want , " she said , " He 'll be sleeping . The doctor wants to keep him sedated for another couple of days . He wants him to heal a little more and doesn 't want him moving too much and tearing any stitches out . " We quietly walked into the room and stood by his bed . He looked so quiet and peaceful lying there . Trent walked to one side of the bed and took his hand . Then he looked at me and grinned . " He just squeezed my hand , " he mouthed and pointed to his hand . I couldn 't help but give him a huge grin back . Immediately his other hand moved . Trent looked at me , grinned , nodded , and pointed towards it . I reached out and took his hand in mine . I felt a squeeze . It was very weak , but it was a squeeze . I gently squeezed back . " Hey Steve , " I said and he squeezed my hand again . I couldn 't help but feel totally elated . He knew who we were … well knowing Trent was a given , but he seemed to know who I was too . Obviously my voice wasn 't familiar but he reacted when Trent said I called 911 . Even though he was very heavily sedated , he seemed to know what was going on . I had no doubts now , he was going to be alright . We spent an hour with him until a nurse came in and said they were going to run some tests and it would be best if he were allowed to rest for an hour or so after . That gave us a chance to go for coffee and lunch since neither of us had eaten yet . We both said we would be back and Trent gave him a kiss on the forehead . We got to the cafeteria and got a coffee and some lunch . Mine was supposed to be shepherd 's pie and Trent 's was meatloaf and mashed potatoes . They looked kinda the same to me , but both of us were in high spirits after the morning 's events with Steve , and food was food . As we were eating , Constable Moore walked in . " Great , " Trent exclaimed , " He 's being sedated so he doesn 't move around until he heals some more . But he knew us . He squeezed our hands when we spoke to him . " We continued our meal and chatted for about an hour before he had to return to duty and we decided to go back up and see how Steve was doing . He was sleeping when we got there , so we sat in the waiting room and chatted for a while . At about three I decided I had better think about setting up for tomorrow 's classes as I hadn 't even thought about it all weekend . I asked Trent if he would be okay . He assured me he would be fine now he knew Steve was going to be okay . I gave him a quick hug and told him I would be in touch later today and headed home . As soon as I walked in the door , the phone rang . It was Scotty wanting to know how Steve was . I think he was as thrilled as I was to hear that Steve was definitely on the road to recovery . Trent called a little later to let me know that there was steady improvement although he was still being sedated . Monday was back to work . It was an unusual day . Both my house and I had been on the eleven o ' clock news on Friday and the six o ' clock news on Saturday . Of course every class wanted a minute - by - minute recap of exactly what happened and was the kid who was stabbed going to be okay ? After a while , the day just became a blur . I don 't think we did a lot of math . As soon as I got home , I changed and drove over to the hospital . Trent and I stayed with Steve for and hour or so and then went downstairs to eat . We pretty much repeated the same procedure for the next couple of days . As I reached the ICU on Thursday , I was approached by one of the nurses . She gave me a big smile and said , " He 's awake . " I was suddenly nervous . I don 't know why . But , my fears were short - lived . As soon as I walked into the room , Steve 's eyes lit up , a huge smile appeared on his face and he held his hand out towards me . I couldn 't help but smile back as I stepped over to his bed and took his hand . His eyes teared a little as he said , " Hey , Mike . It 's so good to be awake . I owe you my life man , thanks . " As I had work tomorrow , I said bye to Steve , gave him a gentle hug , and told him I 'd see him tomorrow . Trent and I then went downstairs for a coffee and a bite to eat . Trent was going back up to sit with Steve until he fell asleep . It was another three days before he was moved from the ICU to a regular room . I had been in to see him every day as I promised . Quite often it was just me , as Trent had to go back to work , and worked in the evenings until nine . It actually worked out okay though , as Trent could be with him for most of the day , and I could be with him in the evening . Once he was out of ICU and he could have visitors other than family , he was seldom alone anyway . Jason came in every day as did Sheila , and I got to know them quite well . Also , about twenty other friends were in an out on any given afternoon or evening . Several of his teachers had been in to see him as well . " I 'm sorry , " he said as tears began to fill his eyes , " Now I 've gone and made things uncomfortable for you . Look , just forget I opened my big mouth . Okay ? " " Oh he can . He loves to dance … and he 's good , too , " he exclaimed , " I watch him practise in front of the mirror when he … doesn 't … know … I 'm there … . Oh shit , there I go saying too much again . " " Good , " he said with a big smile , " Trent has been through so much … losing our mom … dealing with our stepfather and taking the brunt of his anger trying to protect me from him . I know he wants to go to university and he 's given it up for me . He needs something good to happen to him . He 's sacrificed so much and I just want him to be happy . He deserves to be happy . " " He wants you to know , " he said , " At least he would if he was sure you were gay too . But , he already warned me that it 's his decision and he doesn 't want me to get involved . But , I know him , and even if he knew you were gay , he might be too unsure of himself and shy to tell you . " " Okay , " I said , " Tell you what , I 'll wear my Matthew Shepard Foundation ' Erase Hate ' T - shirt under an open regular shirt . That way it might not seem so obvious . But , if he catches on and you catch crap , it 's not my fault . Okay ? " It was at that point that my shirt must have opened a bit , because I noticed Trent was looking directly at my chest and the words ' Erase Hate ' . I almost held my breath waiting for some sort of reaction , but he quickly turned his eyes back to the chart . I moved over beside Steve so I could see what they were reading and the three of us quietly read the doctor 's notes on his progress over the last few days . The three of us got up , Steve hung the chart back up and we headed for the nurses ' station so Steve could let them know where he was going . We took the elevator down to the main floor and walked into the cafeteria . Steve found a table while Trent and I went to get the coffee and a cinnamon bun for each of us . We sat and chatted for several minutes about Steve 's upcoming release from the hospital among other things . Then he looked at my shirt , smiled and said , " That 's a cool shirt . ' Erase Hate ' , that 's a cool slogan , I like that . " I decided it was time to change subjects away from my shirt or getting back to his room . " How 's work been going ? " I asked Trent , " You been busy or has the economic downturn affected sales ? " He paused for a second or two before responding . " Actually I haven 't noticed a big difference . We still seem to be selling as many electronics as before , although sales of some of the really big ticket items are down a bit . " We got ourselves a second coffee and got back into some normal harmless chatting again until we got the big warning that visiting hours were over in five minutes . We walked Steve back up to his room , said goodnight and gave him a hug , and the two of us were off . Since I had driven over and Trent didn 't have a car , I offered him a ride home . Considering his reaction to my shirt , I was afraid he might refuse , but he didn 't . We drove home in silence . Trent was gazing out the side window most of the way . When we got to their apartment building I assumed he would simply thank me for the ride , say goodnight and leave . Instead , he said , " It 's early , you want to come up for a drink ? " I looked around . It was small , but immaculate . It had a tiny kitchen with the dining / living room combined . It was a one bedroom - plus den , so basically , it was a two bedroom apartment . He grabbed us a lime cooler each and sat down at the table . I got the hint and sat down at the other end of the table . We each had several sips of our drinks before the silence started to become uncomfortable . " It scared the hell out of me , " I said , " I lost my brother because of it . He hasn 't spoken to me in eight years . But , no , I never wanted to end my life . I was different from the other guys , yeah , but I was still the same ' me ' I had always been . "

Our outside dog Maggie looking very sad because Bob has been gone a week . She thinks he has deserted us . Maybe I am too . He has been gone over a week now . I had an experience putting my " girls " in their stalls tonight . Abby and Pepper got to the gate and pushed their way right out . So I had a mare in her stall ( Ditto ) and three other horses out . Dixie went to her stall sneaking so Abby and Pepper would not follow her . I caught Pepper with a hay string ( Joy , a hay string is what they tied the bale closed with . A string on each side . They used to use wire but now its string ) and got another string on Abby and got them back in . they thought they could take advantage of me . Of course Tyler is not here this evening . They would not have challenged two of us . Another dog story . Skeeter , my year old poodle who is very attached to me wherever I go , was here in the bedroom with me . I have a box of Kleenex on the floor by my bed . I heard this noise and I looked over and he was methodically pulling the Kleenex out one at a time . It was so funny I could have watched him continue but thought perhaps he should know that wasn 't what I wanted him to do . He is now laying at my feet . No trick or treater 's as usual out here . I always get a little candy just in case and leave the porch light on but not one that I can take a picture of . I used to have a little neighbor boy come by but he is all grown up now - or at least he thinks he is . He is 15 . I think this is supposed to be the last day of our nice Indian summer weather . Hope not although we desperately need some rain . If a fire got going it would be really tough . Our Inland Empire Mustang Horse Club met this evening . We had a good meeting . Had an enthusiastic new member come . Don . He has 2 free Kiger mares to give to the right person . Neither is broken to ride but very gentle . If anyone is interested let me know and I can give you his cell phone number . They are 2ND . generation horses , not branded . The club is not making any decisions about next year until our January meeting . We will not be meeting in November as our meeting day is Thanksgiving Day . In December we encounter the same problem so we decided to have a Christmas party on Dec . 13Th . at my house . Tonight when I put Dixie and Ditto in I wished I had my camera with me . I called the girls in and Yuma ( the burro ) started for the barn at a gallop . They came after him and passed him up but he wanted to be in and get something special too . After I put the mares in , I took him out a handful of packer pellets and put them in the feeder for him . He was disdainful however and stomped back out to the pasture . He wanted in the barn . He is so funny . A strange day . I slept in some . That was in itself was strange . I am not a real early riser but usually earlier than 8 : 30 and that is when I woke up . I would have probably slept longer if Skeeter had not been crying to get out of his crate . Met my friend Helen for lunch . We had some Washington State Horsemen Steward rules to talk about . Not that we need an excuse to have lunch . Wanted some rules cleared up in my mind before going to convention in 2 1 / 2 weeks . Think I do now . I get so frustrated with myself when I know something is in the rule book but I can 't find it . Helen and I are a 2 person support team . She works more than I do but that 's OK . I so wished I had a camera of my mares coming running when I called them again tonight . They can run like the wind when they know what is waiting for them . Dixie got sidetracked when she got up to the barn because Tyler was inside the pasture working on the fence . She wondered what he was doing inside her pasture . I put a hay string around her neck and she followed me into the barn . Ditto was already munching on her grain wondering what Dixie was doing still out there . This is the scene we get in the evenings when the weather is nice . It is the main reason we don 't want the property to ever be sold . Well my mares who were so naughty - along with the others - earlier this week redeemed themselves . I don 't give them grain during the summer but its time to start . Dixie has been coming in quite regularly but has always been a little of a twit about getting caught . Tonight they were all out in the very back corner of our place . I put their grain and vitamins in their stall feeders and went to the fence and called them . It took a couple of times for them to hear me . Ditto looked up and saw me with a can in my hand . She took off and Dixie was hot on her heels . They came running . Ditto went right straight to her stall and I put a hay string around Dixie 's neck . I did not know if she would go to the right stall or not . I was so proud of them , I gave them each an alfalfa pellet . We will see how they do tomorrow . Spent the day at the dentist . It will be a couple of weeks before I have to go back . I am glad I don 't have to do the often . Don 't you love the fall foliage . This little group of trees is just down the road from us . You need to be careful driving by because deer hide in it and pop out in front of you occasionally . Spent all afternoon at the dentist and have to go back tomorrow . I hate wasting this wonderful weather inside . My blog entry yesterday was awful , too many pictures of Tom and my writing was off kilter . I don 't know except I was really tired . Sorry . Finally got both my mares in their stalls tonight to get their grain and vitamins . Last night Ditto really gave me the run around and I could not catch her even with treats . That has not happened for years . She has been my best horsey friend for a long time , but last night I did not like her too much . So , Dixie got her grain and vitamins and Ditto stayed out in the pasture . This evening Dixie was going to run but then you could see her thinking , Oh Oh , not get caught , no goodies and I walked right up to her . AND Ditto said I messed up and she followed us in and went meekly into her stall . My Mustang and Burro Yahoo site friend Jill lost her old friend Smokey this week . It makes me sad . He was the same age as Ditto . I have been dreading that for several years now . Our condolences Jill . Makes our hearts hurt for you . Just had a lengthy telephone conversation with a gal from Colville about mustangs . She wants to adopt in the spring . She and her boyfriend are coming to our Mustang Horse Club meeting on Thursday evening . Her name is Suzy . She had a lot of very good questions . She wondered if she could make the 6 ' pen out of vinyl covered cable ? I don 't think so but did not know for sure . Anyone know ? I will have to make some inquiries . I don 't know how 2 pictures appeared of Tom our youngest son . But here it is . The picture above is Seth who is 9 and Sheya who is 7 as of next Friday but they always celebrate it the Sunday before . Christy is their mother and our daughter in law . We love her . And the picture below is Ryan . He is almost 12 . Such a sweet family . Not much to write about today . We had a big birthday party . Christy 's birthday is tomorrow . Our other daughter in law Debbie was there and her birthday is Wed . Also another one of our granddaughters birthday is Tuesday . Hope to have more tomorrow . This the the peak of our barn room this afternoon . It was so sunny and bright . I think I would have felt better if I had gone for a ride . But with Bob gone with the truck and no way to pull the trailer I pouted instead . I get tired of riding across the road . I went shopping this afternoon for our birthday assault . I missed our son in laws birthday so got his gift , our son Tom 's which I had not gotten yet and then this next week are 2 daughters in law and 2 granddaughters all in one week . Joel 's wife Heather 's was earlier this month also . Plus our anniversary . Sheya is into Hannah Montana so that wasn 't too hard and Coreen will be 17 so she will get money . The adults are always more difficult when you are on a limited budget . Have not heard from Bob yet . I know they don 't have good cell phone coverage up there plus he is not thinking of me but of an elk . Kind of a nothing kind of a day , Tyler worked for the neighbor and when she stopped by later had a nice little visit with her . She was riding her mule Skeeter . He is well over 16 hands . I know Dixie looks like a pony when we ride together . Joel came out and helped Tyler with a couple of things . Gas was 2 . 55 when I went into Airway Heights . Can afford to drive to town once in a while now . Wish everything else would come down too . This is on a wall in our house so we don 't ever forget . Not that we would but I sure like the poster anyway . Kind of a lazy day . Didn 't do too much inside or out . It was a nice day . I did go out and catch Dixie and put her in for her evening treat . She is getting easier to catch knowing there is a treat at the end of the lead rope . Bob worked with Rusty today . If he were going to be here tomorrow he would have saddled her but he is leaving to go elk hunting tomorrow . I would rather he got an elk than a deer but he will probably get one of those later . I will work with Rusty while he is gone but I don 't know if I will get her saddled or not . If I had not sold my English saddle I would use it to saddle the first time . It was light weight . We do have a youth saddle that we have used on occasion to put on for a first saddle up . That 's a thought too . I need one I can handle with one hand . I may be getting ahead of myself though because she hasn 't liked me too much . It has gotten better but I am not high on her favorite people list . These pictures are of Bob 's second time with Rusty today . The first time he trimmed both of her front feet . Her left side was easy . She lets him take that foot all the time . The surprise was the off side front foot . It can be tricky but she gave it to him when he said " foot " and let him trim it . He did not file them , just used the nippers . The rasp will come next time . They sure look better . Then he was outside about 3 and I was finishing up some chores in the house and my cell phone rang and it was Bob asking me to come down to the round pen and bring the camera so I did . He had a wonderful time on Pepper with her . She led the best she ever has and as you can see he did a lot over the back of her . At one point I thought he was going to slide his leg over but he didn 't and I was glad . I don 't want him hurt again . Three times since May is enough . When he was done with Pepper I changed saddles and put mine on him , donned my helmet and went for a ride . Across the road is nothing too exciting to look at except deer tracks and gofer holes and an occasional badger hole but its close and just a relaxing walk . Pepper does not mind going by himself which is far different than when I did it on Dixie . She does not go alone well . Pepper does not much care , just don 't make him hurry and he is happy . So it was a good day , the laundry is folded , the kitchen is cleaned , I did some sewing , the sun shone and I feel good . This was a beautiful fall day . The sky was beautiful . This morning it was cold . But warmed up as the day went on . With the going down of the sun it got cooler again . My picture today is Bob and Tyler doing some of the fall work . They got a lot done . Tomorrow is supposed to be another nice howbeit cool day so maybe they can get more done . I am glad Tyler is here or I would have had to been driving one of the tractors . We were really worried about Rusty today . She did not eat good last night . Could find nothing that looked bothersome . Went all over her . Her gums looked good , her temp normal and she was pooping normally . Then this afternoon we was the Oliver ( my goat ) had not eaten his hay either . He had just picked at it . Must be something in the bale of hay . Bob set that bale aside and we opened another . Will see tomorrow morning if they ate their supper . Bob was up and down all night with Rusty but nothing showed up . She lays down a lot but is not colicing . We gave her extra salt because she did not seem to be drinking as much either . I imagine he will be up and down with her tonight too . I am glad she is gentled enough to touch her all over like that . Until we found Ollie not eating either I kept thinking of Arlene 's horse with Pigeon Fever . Don 't think that 's it now . Or do goats get it too ? I am feeling good today . Made an apple cobbler last night and decided to try something a little different . I added a can of whole cranberries to it . It was so good . I say was because these two guys of mine attacked it with a vengeance . I got one small piece . I got the idea when I went to the Mennonite Sale a few weeks ago and they had some apple / cranberry pie for sale . It is really good . I am about to boot my computer out the window . I can not get it to load pictures at all this evening . I have six I wanted to load . I will try again in a while . If any of you don 't look at Spring Creek Basin Weblog , you should . She takes the most beautiful pictures of the mustangs in the wild . Spring Creek Basin is in southern Colorado I think . I love her pictures . Take a look at them . Also when he has time Matt at Pryor Mountain Mustangs has great pictures to . I feel better today but it was in the house day . Bob tried to catch Dixie so she could get her grain and supplements but he could not do it . He is more frustrated about that kind of thing than I am . She may find herself in the round pen or the arena by herself . What a twit . Well I got one to load so far . Maybe I don 't have to kick it out the window . It might hurt my foot . The bottom picture is Laura and her Arabian horse Mystic . Love that picture even if I did take it . The middle picture is of Tyler and Jim . The top picture is Cindy on Dolly . I think this will be all I can get loaded . I think there is a picture of everyone that rode . Got kind of bummed today when Bob told me our good friends Bernie and Sherrie had called Saturday and asked if they could pick Bob and I up and go for a ride with them down toward Ritzville . Of course we were both busy and could not but any other day almost we would have loved to have gone . They thought they were moving to Montana soon but the job Sherrie had put in for a transfer to did not happen . I am sorry because they really want to move , but happy that they will still be here for a while . They are very dear to us . Katie called today and is quite sick . I am sorry . Miss the Blondie around here . Posted by These are all the pictures my computer will let me load . Its dial up , what can I say . I will do more tomorrow . The top picture is Andrea and her wonderful mustang Tonka . He is such a nice horse and does whatever she asks him . The next picture is Andreas friend Melissa who rode Andrea 's horse Soxy . Soxy had some trouble with the hills but gave Melissa a nice ride anyway . The bottom picture is the group who went on our Mustang Club Ride . Of course not everyone rode mustangs but that was OK . We had fun on the horses . From the left Cindy on Dolly , Darlene on Jewel , Laura on Mystic , Andrea on Tonka , Melissa on Soxy , Tyler on Raven and Jim on Pepper . It was his first ever ride . Pepper took care of him just fine . I will try to get more to load tomorrow . I don 't know whats up . Of course I went on the ride too , someone had to take pictures , so I am not in any of them . Dixie was good and did well despite , bikes , hikers , dogs , cross country skiers on wheels and cars . . Nothing too much shakes her up much . Unless its going off in a direction no one else is going and then she gets upset . I love my barefoot horse . She just goes and goes . I do need some shims in the front of my saddle though . Her withers are so high . I came home from the ride and went right to bed after taking care of Dixie . I did not feel so good all day and by the time I got home I was downright miserable . I think it was a reaction to the flue shot . Feel better today but still have the headache and am super tired . I wish I knew how to add the pictures and write about each one instead of them all loading in a row . Here it is Friday already . Bob is away all weekend at a Search and Rescue weekend training . The bottom picture is what he accomplished with Rusty before he had to leave this afternoon . She did not mind it at all . Looked a little surprised at first but it was really no big deal . I have been messing with her mouth and that is no big deal either . I wish I knew about teeth and age of a horse . She is cutting teeth just a little behind the ones she had . Mares don 't get wolf teeth do they . I think I heard that . I need to google it and see if I can figure it out . The bars of her mouth are much longer than our older horses . Hmmmmmmmmmmmm . The second picture is Tyler resting ( dozing ) . He is not the most ambitious 20 year old I have been around . It was sunny and warmer today and I did not blame him for catching a few winks while Grandpa was working the horse . He is good young man and Grandpa works him pretty hard most of the time . The last picture is what Tyler was doing before he rested . My raspberries that I have asked for for several years . The people where the cows have been on pasture gave him a bucket full . I must remember to water them tomorrow . Tomorrow is our Mustang Club sponsored ride . Ride any kind of a horse you have . We just are putting it on . Bring your lunch , a snack or whatever and come ride in Riverside State Park . Its free , just to have fun before the weather gets too bad . We will live the Trail Town Trail head at 11 : 00 AM . I wanted to get a trail map but that didn 't happen . We will have a great day . Dress warm . See you there . My shoulder length hair went away today . It was giving me some bad headaches . I pulled it back in a clip most of the time and I woke up with a headache . This will be easier to take care of . I am not too talented with hair . My hair is so terribly thick and heavy that growing it long just does not work . So anyway , this is the new me . Dixie and I went for a little trail ride by ourselves this afternoon . She did not like going by herself at all . She kept stopping but went when I touched her sides with my heel . Didn 't have to kick at all , just touch her . However coming home was a little more challenging . She wanted to hurry but I wanted to walk quietly . The quietly did not happen but we walked . She did not jig , just walked but she didn 't want to . She can toss her head pretty good . When I was ready to cross the road to our driveway a car was coming so she had to stand for a minute and she pawed the ground and did the mustang snort but she did what I asked , just did not like it . I put a different saddle pad on because it was on the top and we were only going to be gone a little while . I put my hand in under the gullet of the saddle to check it for some reason and found that saddle pad will not work . It is a cut back pad and the saddle was sitting on her withers . I felt bad . Her regular pad is thicker and the front six inches are built up . I will have to be really aware of that . She has high withers and has not put all her weight back since her teeth were done . And I tried to 45 minutes to catch her . Tyler had to help me catch her . She is in a stall tonight . I was really mad at her . She has always been good with me . Not today . Grrrrrrrrrrrrr . I made a big pot of potato soup for supper tonight . It just felt like it . Its my favorite food I think . This hangs on the corner of my house . At the start of the deck . I got it for Bob for Christmas a few years ago . The grand kids have fun ringing it . A day of not accomplishing much . It was a very nice day and I should have gotten outside . Tyler and I drove over to the Riverside State Park ranger office late this AM to get a trail map . And , they were not there . There were other people that drove up and were as surprised as we were when no one was there . I wanted a map so we don 't get lost Saturday . I don 't think I will but then Bob didn 't either one day he was riding there alone and ended up at Rivermere when the truck and trailer were on Old Trails Rd . I just wanted to be sure . Then I brought Tyler home and I went to the Safeway in Cheney and got my flue shot . Last year I fiddled around until it was too late . I did not get sick over the winter but was worried . I have not been sick bad since I started getting the flue shot each year . With my tendency to get pneumonia even with the pneumonia shot that I will do what I need to to stay well . Bob went up to Fruitland today to get our three steers that have been up there running with their mothers . They look great . The guy bought the cows a few months ago . The market is so low I think we will feed them this winter and sell them for meat . Have people asking us all the time for meat . We don 't feed any commercial grain . We buy our grain right from the mill in Davenport . No additives at all . No much with the horses today . Katie came and rode Abby . She is doing so well with her . She has been working with Abby on respect and cues . She even trotted her today without me having a lunge line on her . I was proud of her . Nothing to do with horses but we got a new back door today . I took the picture before the trim got put up . Our oldest son Steve came and did it for us . Bob is not a carpenter and does not have the patience . He always gets mad in the middle . So , Steven came and did it for us . I look at him and its hard to remember as my round little brown eyed baby boy . He is now 49 . He broke his leg really bad on Fathers Day cutting wood . He still is having a hard time walking . I worked with Rusty today for a while and groomed her . I brushed her all over , clear down her legs to her hooves and I used a mane / tail brush and brushed her mane free of snarls and then I brushed her tail . She stood there and let me . I was so proud of her . Her tail touches the ground . I got all the tangles out of it . The only part of her she objected to all all was brushing out that long forelock . Did not get it done as thoroughly as her mane and tail but did get it brushed some . She did not like that purple brush coming at her back . I kind of brushed it all to one side . When she let me do it once without trying to leave , I quit . I was pleased with our progress . She still does not like me but is tolerating me better . Later Bob went down and she gave him both front feet and he used a hoof pick on them . Cleaned them out good . He will work on getting the back feet now . I did the hard work first . LOL . She was so glad it wasn 't me she would have let him do most anything . I got a big laugh today when Katie brought Abby up to the front door show me something and Skeeter darted out and was going to protect me . He is a small poodle who is a clown and loves me a lot . Abby was really quite bored with the entire episode while Katie and I had a good laugh . I had the scare of the year today . I did it to myself but it was still hard and made my legs shake . Praise God for honest people . I went to the Walmart in Airway Heights to pick up a few groceries this afternoon . I was worrying about some things and not really thinking . I got the groceries , paid for them and went to the car . Put the groceries in the car came home listening to an old CD of Emmy Lou Harris . When I went to get out of the car my wallet was not there . I had not taken my purse , just my wallet . My insides went into a rumble and I headed back to Walmart . I was sick at heart . All my credit cards , medical cards , all the stuff one carries . I went straight to where the cart had been left and they had taken them inside . With lead filled feet I went to customer service and asked . The manager came to the place I was and asked me to write my name out and anything else that may be of use . She smiled at me and took me over and got it out of a locked drawer . All my change , the 10 . 00 bill and everything else was just as I had left it . She was not sure who had turned it in but I am so grateful they did and my guardian angel was watching over me and mine even though I was careless and did not pay attention when I put the groceries inside the car . So that is my story of the day . This was house day . I did my walk this morning . Am up to 2 miles in a little less than 2 hrs . It wasn 't so cold and it was a fun morning to walk . When I think how young I was and now naive I was really about like 51 years ago when Bob and I were married in a large wedding . Many of those folks who are still with us were at our large 50Th . anniversary party a year ago . Now we are still going strong . Today after church we went up to Greenbluff which is the apple center of this part of the state . It is Harvest Festival month . We went and looked at some very large pumpkin patches , laughed at the kids , saw some of the most beautiful produce . Picked up some large wooden crates under a free sign . Don 't know what we will do with them but I will think of something . Then we went and looked at the new church building that our church is building . And went to dinner at the casino that is close to us . It was disconcerting that they are raising their prices tomorrow 2 . 00 a person . It was good . Came home and lay down for a while and went out and cleaned a couple of stalls . They have not been used much of the summer but wanted them fresh cleaned and bedded . Next week Dixie and Ditto will come in for the night and get special feed . Dixie needs some additional weight and Ditto is old . When it starts to get really cold day and night , she has a winter blanket she wears . Bob worked with Rusty for a while . Mostly on her off side . She thinks that is untouchable . He can touch her pretty well and she will lift her foot at the command " foot " but wont let him touch it . She will stand with it lifted for several seconds . Its kind of funny . Just time and patience . This evening earlier we went to visit our friends Terri and Kurt Carstens who live in Reardan . We had a nice visit and we will be getting Target back in the spring to tune her up and maybe Blondie to start . Bob is a little leery but maybe by spring he will be over it . It was good to see them . Their children were have a wiener roast outside . Brrrrrrrrr . We declined and came home . A good day , very pretty but cold . Posted by This morning I drove to Ellensburg to the WSH Board meeting . I had been talking about mustangs for a long time but it took someone with a larger mouth and who everyone knows to get it going . As of January 1 , 2009 , there is a Mustang division in Washington State Horsemen . All the details need to be worked out but the initial OK has been given . Now we need to find sponsors for year end awards . It will be a good thing for those who have mustangs and want to show their horses . The opportunities to show are pretty endless - Dressage , Western / English which includes reining , western riding , ranch horse classes - Gaming = Competitive Trail and Trails and Pleasure . All with year end awards that range from trophies to saddles . How fun is that . If you want more information , please get in touch with me . I would love to tell you all about the organization . As far as I am concerned , its vital , not just for the awards but we do have a legislative person who represents the horse industry with all the ups and downs that seem to plague us . So now I have preached my little " sermon " today . I just feel passionately about the organization . No snow . NO SNOW . Am so glad the weathermen / ladies were all wrong . I did not have to beg , we loaded up about 10 and went to Riverside State Park to ride . We went to the Trail Town trail head . Had not ridden out of there for a long time . We started out and followed Trail # E25 . At the 4 mile marker I asked Bob if perhaps that was the 25 mile ride . AND he said nah , this is just trail # 25 . Well when we came to Trail # 10 we decided to head back over toward the river . We jumped a group of mule deer . They were not terrible afraid of us , just wary . We ambled over the flat part and came to one of the restrooms . Had a break and started off again . The sign said Bowl and Pitcher 1 / 2 mile so we started down that trail . Then we came across a trial sign that said Trail # 25 and mile marker 20 . It was the 25 mile trail . My body would not have made a 25 mile ride . Bob 's either I don 't think . So we followed it down , encountered some bicycles . They come so quietly that it is hard for the horses especially when they come up behind you on a one track trail . We got over to the side and turned them to face him and he shot on by . Pepper of all horses shied and jumped around , Dixie just watched him go by . The closer we got to the Bowl and Pitcher , the more people we encountered on foot and on bikes . It was OK though . We went down a trail that might have been scary for someone not used to skinny shale filled trails but we made it OK . Dixie takes good care of me . We figured we rode about 10 miles all together . It was a good day . Not much wind down in the canyon under the trees . Riding along the river there were a lot of geese floating along . They looked so pretty . I did not take my camera on the trail though . Bob rode Pepper because when he caught Raven and tied her to the hitch rail and was brushing her , she has a huge hemotoma on her shoulder . Probably the result of a bite or kick . Will look at it again in the morning . He loves to ride Pepper though . We put splint boots on him nice and snug to give that tendon a little extra support . The rest Posted by The top picture is a real wahoo . Bob picked up , rather he said " foot " and she gave it to him . He has been working on picking up her feet with a rope . In another few days he will be able to trim those front feet . They are pretty bad . Her hinds are just fine but not the front . She is coming along so well for him . I did walk up to her after she went to her safe corner . I rubbed her all over on both sides just holding the halter . Kind of a feat really because I had the camera too . the second picture is just her head . Isn 't that forelock something . She hides behind it . I have pushed it out of her eyes and she does not like it . I love it . The bottom picture is of Dixie . She is gaining weight and looking good since having her teeth done . Still am feeding her special though . We are supposed to get a skiff of snow tonight - that is right - SNOW . If we do Ditto will get her blanket on and she will go in at night too . She is old and gets pampered a lot . If there is no snow in the morning we are going to Riverside SP to ride with Katie for a while . I wish I could drive the truck . I just never have . I know how to drive a stick but just hate it . If Bob doesn 't want to go , Maybe I will give it a try if Katie promises not to laugh . I have wanted to ride all week but its been one thing or the other and haven 't . Maybe if I tell Bob I am going to do it on my own he will be so scared he will go . Suppose ? This was an awful day . Forty mile an hour sustained winds . Bob and Tyler tried to work on the new shed but the roofing was like a giant kite and one of them was going to get hurt so they left that job for another day . Bob worked with Rusty for a long time this morning just loving on her and petting and rubbing her all over . She let him without a fuss and even after he took the lead rope off her . She is really going to be his horse . I hardly went out today , I did my one and half mile walk first thing this morning . I should get extra points for one way because the wind was in my face . I got a big blister on my toe though and that hurts . Katie and Tyler had a good time this afternoon on the ponies . I don 't think Rosie has been ridden in a year . I looked out and they were tearing across the field across the road . They are both tall and riding ponies is hysterical . I think Katie is 5 ' 10 and Tyler is over 6 ' . I need to hitch Rosie to a cart and go for a drive . She loves to do that . It was a grey , overcast , ugly day . Don 't think it rained however . Monday is my house day so did nothing outside . If I don 't designate a day to do stuff , Iput it off . Housekeeping is not my strongest asset . I would rather muck stalls . Let me introduce you to Miss Sheya Christyne Williams who just happens to be our horse loving , horse riding granddaughter . She is riding Sequoia . He is a do it all for anyone pony . Sheya has been riding him by herself since she was 4 . She is now 6 . Today she and Katie rode bareback and had a really fun day . Sheya told me she was teaching Katie to ride . What a fun day to watch the girls playing and laughing and riding . Katie was so good with her , it was great . There is not an ounce of fear in Sheya with the horses . Wish they could come out more often so she could ride often . Her parents only live in Spokane but with gas , Christy 's job working graveyard , and four wheelers they don 't come out so often . Nikki worked with Rusty today . She had not met her before . Rusty did not appreciate Nikki any more than she does me . Maybe less . Nikki is our oldest daughter and the mother of Tyler who lives with us . He and 5 other boys . She does well with horses and I wish she lived in eastern Washington so she could help with them . She is a very good rider . She and her friend Rita both live in Marysville and came here to visit after out time at the Mennonite Auction yesterday . Jim and Kathy Spring stopped by today too . They brought a couple of bales of hay for Bob to look at . And to visit . Jim is going to Austin , Texas for a job interview the end of the month . I know he needs a job BUT I don 't like the idea of them leaving here . Very good people and committed to the mustangs . Lots of other family here today but won 't bore you with all of them . It was a good day . It is very cold this evening . It feels like fall is here with a vengeance and winter is knocking at the door . Today was a non horse day for me . I met our oldest daughter and her friend Rita in Ritzville and we went to the Mennonite Country Auction . It was interesting . Lots of good food for sale . I missed the bread , it was gone by the time I got there . I did get a very good piece of blackberry pie though . The soup for lunch was good and New Years Cookies are out of this world . I want to know how to make them . The quilts were beautiful that they auctioned off but really out of my price range . Some of them went for over $ 2 , 000 . The wind was awful but it only rained once to amount to anything . I was so glad I came back in and got my heavy winter jacket . Bob and Tyler went on a Back Country Horsemen trail ride over in Kingston , Idaho today . My back would not have managed a 3 hrs . trail ride today but they had a good time and then had a steak dinner . Tyler ate so much he brought his cake home and ate it after they got here . Rusty had the day off . She will get a good workout tomorrow . It was hard to believe today that on Wednesday it was 85 . Maybe that is why it felt so cold today . If the wind is not blowing so tomorrow I am going to try my back out and ride a little . Sometimes it helps . Do you think I have a thing about photographing the horses eyes ? This is Rusty 's and she did not much the camera that close and it flashed besides . I took a long string of pictures until she quit jumping . I worked with her today . I got one front foot picked up and touched the sole of it . The other front foot was hers and I didn 't get it . I would have done better but Bob was there telling me how to do it . It made me prickly . I know how . She did let me walk up to her and pet her shoulder and neck and take a hold of her halter . That was a first time for that . She does wonderful in the round pen on a 30 ' line changing directions . She does that for me as well as Bob . She is such a nice little horse . The other horses are fine . Riding Lena hurt my back . Makes me mad . She was so rough . I thought Dixie was but she is smooth as can be compared to that big mare . I wanted to ride today but didn 't get there . Maybe Monday . If the weather is decent maybe the three of us can go to Riverside SP for a while . This is the view out my kitchen sink window . Its pretty isn 't it . Looks like October . I would like to visiting my sister in Tennessee when the leaves change . It is as pretty as the NE . I guess anyway . Have never been to the NE at leaf changing time . But I have been in Tennessee and it is beautiful . Lena was really naughty when the people came to look at her . I wouldn 't have bought her either . I need to spend some real quality training time with her if they want to sell her . Katie thinks if she had been here it would have been different but it would not have been . Lena did not like the gal for some reason AND she was a timid rider . That was enough to make her grab the bit stick her nose up and was naughty . I will have to ride her every day and I did not want to do that . Its Katie 's project but she has to go to school and she doesn 't have the know how to get that head down and nose in . Bob had a very successful day working with Rusty . He was able to pick up and hold both her front feet for a few seconds . He leaned on her and hugged her over her neck and withers . AND she did come up to me when I reached out to pet her thru the fence . That was big progress in my eyes . Posted by

Carlos almost jumped out of his skin and pulled back the hand that was about to press the doorbell . He turned around and grabbed David by the collar . " Don 't ever do that again , Miller ! " he hissed . " Now , this is what I call ' Welcoming your best friend ' " he said as he bent down to hug the little girl . He turned to hug little Gracie too , who offered him her lollipop . " No , thank you my dear . Uncle Carlos is too old for sweets , " then he turned and glared at the two adults who were snickering at that remark . They had a simple dinner that night ; the atmosphere was warm and casual . The little ones made for some interesting entertainment at the dining table because Carlos had to constantly repeat what he said to the kids as they found it hard to understand him . He talked too fast . " Tsk , tsk . It 's almost noon you know . Besides , we 're invited to the Izambards ' house for lunch . So , my handsome Spaniard , lets get moving . " And she dragged him out of the room and into the common bathroom in the middle of the upper floor , not bothered that he only had a pair of red silky boxers on him . " You look like a grizzly bear . Your face and your body … too much hair , " Sam looked at his face wondering where to start . She had helped Urs shave before , but he never had so much facial hair for her to work on . " Well , if you behave , I might just overlook that part of your body , " Sam winked and he chuckled . As Sam got down to task , they chatted about the kids . Then Carlos asked , " How 's David coping ? " " He 's doing fine . Well , at least that 's how I see it . Don 't know if he cries at night , but in the daytime he seems normal . " " Yeah , he could 've been a dad by now , " Carlos voiced the obvious , sadness softening his tone . Hearing a sniff by Sam , he apologized . " I 'm sorry , Sam . Didn 't mean to make you sad . " " Why is everybody so concerned about how he 's coping around here ? He 's a normal kind of guy , you know ? " Sam couldn 't understand why the guys , and sometimes even Ginny , thought that Urs was always shirking his family responsibility . " Well , he doesn 't seem like a family man to me . I mean , he 's too cool for that baby stuff . I remember you were always carrying the babies and changing nappies , and all he did was carry the bag and pram . He almost looked like an idiot when he was with the babies . " " That 's because I 'm better at those stuff . Besides , after the twins were born , he learnt to take real good care of them . Well , he had to ' cos I only have a pair of hands . " " Yes , we went last year . His mum and sis came and looked after the kids while we had a short break in the French countryside . It was heavenly , " Sam smiled as she remembered their five - day stay in a country house South of France . Urs was so loving and attentive and they had fun either just chilling out in the sun or riding the rented bike around the countryside , and a couple of times they made out in the wild . Before those memories invaded her mind , she quickly asked , " So what 's up between you and Joanne ? " " You 're always saying something nasty when you 're angry , Carlos . Out with it . What exactly did you say to her ? " When she still did not get any answer from him after a few seconds , she continued , " If you want us to help you , you 've got to let us in on what really happened between the two of you . " " Someone told her I was with a woman , but that was just a childhood friend . No big deal , right ? But she went into a fit because that friend kept calling me and we had an argument and then she wanted a divorce . " Sam had to stop shaving since she could see him getting agitated and gesturing wildly . Oh maybe a little cut would wake him up ? " She knew I only like to talk but I never ever take any action . I don 't know why she 's behaving like this suddenly . " After a moment of quietness , Carlos sighed . " We were in her hotel room . She said she was leaving for some other country which I forgot which one , and wanted to catch up on old time . We did go a long way back , dating for awhile before we each went our separate ways to start a career . I didn 't think she wanted more than just to chat , " he shrugged . " Well , things got a little bit heated when she started touching me . I think the drink also made me not able to think clearly . Then … then we kissed . " " But that was all , " he quickly continued . " When she was kissing me , my phone rang and I was suddenly brought back to reality . So I told her I had to go but before I left , she said she had to go meet someone too . That was how we left the hotel together and were seen by Joanne 's friend . " " I 'm sorry , Carlos , but you 're really a scumbag . Did you realize that if your phone hadn 't rang at that precise moment you might have done something unforgivable ? Now I can understand Joanne 's fury , " Sam opted not to sugar - coat her words ; he deserved whatever was coming for him . Carlos looked at her and wondered if he 'd just heard the word ' scumbag ' coming out of Sam 's mouth . Looking hurt and angry , he tried to defend himself , " But I didn 't do anything . I 'm a hot - blooded man , and she 's a lovely lady , and with the drinks we had , things got out of hand … " he shrugged helplessly as Sam continued to glare at him , wondering if he was talking to a friend or foe . After what seemed like an eternity of silence , Sam spoke again . " You behaved like a teenager with hormone rages . But you know what , Carlos ? I think I believe you and trust that you didn 't do anything with that woman . So , let 's just talk about how Joanne might feel , from a woman 's standpoint . Have you thought about how she really feels seeing her husband flirt all the time , Carlos ? She might have said she understands it 's part and parcel of your job and it 's in your blood too and doesn 't mind , but perhaps , somewhere in her heart she does feel a tinge of jealousy . Maybe this latest episode just triggered her hidden emotions and she felt she couldn 't take all that nonsense anymore , even though she might believe you didn 't do it ? " " I don 't know , Carlos . I 'm just guessing . If it was because she suspected you were cheating on her then maybe we can fix this . I mean , she may be hot - headed like you , but she 's a sensible woman . " " Carlos Marin ! How could you accuse your wife of being unfaithful ? " Sam was aghast at what she just heard . She knew Joanne well and that was the worst accusation that her husband could levy on her . " Not really . She was really spending too much time with the guy who produces the travel documentary . Even when they are not filming , they go out for drinks . " " Carlos , they are colleagues . Do you really have so little faith in Joanne ? As I recall , she couldn 't wait to marry you . If she hadn 't kept dropping hints , I think you 'd still be single now . " " I know , Sam . I really messed up this time , " he slumped further into the chair , resigned . Luckily this time Sam had finished her task . Upon hearing the word ' chest ' , Carlos immediately covered his chest with both his hands . Sam laughed , " Just joking . Now , please hurry up and get ready . Come over to the house when you 're done . " With that , she kissed his cheek and said , " We 'll talk again later . " David was busy swinging little Anthony on the swing that dangled on a sturdy branch of the tall oak tree at the back of the house when Sam walked towards them . She observed him for a moment and was satisfied to see that he was really having fun with the kids . David , upon realizing that he was being watched , turned and waved to her . " No , the kids need to get ready to go to Uncle Seb 's place . " Hearing that , Angel stopped playing on the slide and went over to hold her mother 's hand , ready to go and get changed . Little Gracie followed her sister . David stopped the swing and helped Tony off it . David found the usual spot he always sat on every morning before everyone else woke up . Staring out at the calm water of the lake , he took stock of his situation . He had been going to bed in the early hours of the morning and getting up early . He knew it wasn 't good for his health . He needed to change this habit , a habit he acquired after Sandra 's departure . Maybe it wasn 't such a good idea to have all those sci - fi DVDs at the EC . No doubt Urs had included them in his collection of movies for his sake , but they were becoming a distraction to him , preventing him from falling asleep . He remembered staying up late to watch these movies with Sandra whenever they were home for holidays and having some quiet time together . As he watched Star Wars again the night before , he couldn 't help but feel that Sandra was snuggling up next to him . The feeling warmed him and he refused to go to bed even though his eyes had grown heavy . " That 's it . No more late night movies . Gotta take care of your body and your voice . " With this new resolution , he squared up his shoulders and threw a stone into the water , watching the ripples as they faded away before walking back to the house . After mulling over the suggestions , Carlos sighed , " It 's not going to make any difference if I toured or not . She 's going to be away filming anyway , she won 't even notice if I 'm home or not . Besides , she 's not even taking any of my calls now , I 'm beginning to wonder if she 's still in Madrid . " David gave a smirk that said " easier said than done " but held his tongue as he knew his friends were all concerned for his well - being . Carlos turned to him and said with the raise of his left eyebrow , " If you help me with Joanne , I 'll help you with the next woman that comes into your life . " The others held their breath as they waited for the younger man 's response . " What do you think I am ? A love machine that can just turn itself on and off in front of a woman ? Sandra 's just left … a year ago to be exact , and here you are talking about the next woman ? How could you think it 's so easy to fall in love again ? " Sam could see that David was getting agitated . She squeezed his hand and leaned close to him to whisper , " David , please . We 're all just trying to help . " She gave an encouraging smile and it somehow settled the storm that was building up inside him . With a heavy sigh , he apologized for his outburst . " I 'm sorry . I didn 't mean to be ungrateful or anything . I just need more time , that 's all . " " We all understand , David . Sorry if it seems we 're being pushy or anything , " Sebastien replied apologetically on Carlos 's behalf . Carlos , feeling a little miffed that David had over - reacted to his teasing suggestion , went back to picking at his food . He wasn 't that hungry before and he certainly wasn 't now . They went back to discussing the release of the album and whether to re - record some of the songs . It took a little prodding from Sebastien and Urs to get Carlos and David to join in the discussion . Both Sam and Ginny looked on with quiet concern but it was short - lived . Having spent so many years working together , the guys were used to having bust - ups . Soon they were all giving ideas and the talk became animated . It was as if they couldn 't wait to begin with the project . Sam shrugged . " He 's good , most of the time . I can see he 's really trying very hard to get over the depression . You really have to hand it to him to do this without the aid of any medical interventions . He refused to talk to a shrink and wouldn 't touch a sleeping pill . He 's strong , I 'm sure he 'll bounce back in no time at all . " " He talks to you often , doesn 't he ? You must be his shrink then . And Urs , too . It was so nice of him to fly over to the States to spend some time with David after the funeral . Seb would have gone too , except that he didn 't know how to console him . " " It 's ok , Ginny . Besides , David would 've felt smoldered with two grown men trying to shower him with love . " Sam smiled at the thought . " David would have to heal himself , I 'm afraid . As for Carlos , I 'll try talking to Joanne but only if Carlos wants me too . Don 't want to stick my nose in where I 'm not needed . " " I 'm sure he wants us to , else he wouldn 't have agreed to be here . Hey , let 's plan a girls ' night out like we did before our wedding . It 's been so long since we got together to do girly stuff . " Then , as if realizing she had made a big mistake , she added , " I 'm sorry . I shouldn 't have mentioned that . " " It 's ok , Ginny . Sandra may not be here to share another girly outing with us but she 'll be with us in spirit , I 'm sure . Besides , I think it 's a good idea . We 'll get to see Joanne again . Maybe she 'll let us in on her secrets . " With that decision made , they decided to break the news to the guys , but not before Sam contacted Joanne on her mobile phone . Joanne was enthusiastic about the plan especially since she was taking a break from her work and needed something to distract her from the current crisis she was facing in her marriage . She knew the girls would be sure to ask her about it but decided that it wouldn 't be so bad to have someone to talk to . The girls would definitely be able to understand her problems better . Before they left the Izambards ' household , Carlos took Sam to a corner and spoke to her . " Please Sam , please tell Joanne I 'm sorry . Tell her to answer my calls . " David visited some friends living in London . On days when he had nothing to do , he would take a book and sit by the lake to read . He still had trouble sleeping but had stayed away from watching movies on DVD . He seemed to cope better when he was around people but when he was alone in his room , it seemed to close in on him , so much so that he felt he couldn 't breathe . To solve that problem , he had taken to going to the pub with Carlos but it lasted for only two nights . He thought he could just drink enough to make him feel sleepy . He didn 't want to do it at the EC lest the children should see him drinking ; he didn 't want to be a bad influence to them . But he soon found it wasn 't such a good idea because women would wander up to them and gushed at how good - looking they were in person and asked to have pictures taken with them . One woman was particularly annoying because she kept touching his butt even when he told her not to . However , he never forgot to call Joanne or text her . Sometimes he would arrange for flowers to be sent to her but still , none of the things he did received any response from her at all . He got so frustrated that he decided to take David 's advice to start behaving like a married man and stop flirting . No more pub hopping for him after tonight , he told himself . " Are you feeling lonely tonight , David ? " said the sexy blonde in a tight mini dress who sat on the stool beside him . Her hands travelled the length of his back , over his shoulder , down his arm and then rested on his thigh . David gently removed the trespassing limb and placed it on the table instead . After having his butt violated by the other woman , his patience was running thin . He whispered back , " If I need a listening ear , you 'd be the last person I 'd talk to . " With that , he paid for his drinks and left the pub . Carlos saw him leave and saying a hasty farewell to the three women sitting around him , he went after his friend . " Didn 't know you 're looking for that in there . Of course you won 't find her there , it 's a place to relax and have a drink . Surely you know that by now . " Raking his hand through his hair , David explained , " Yeah , I do know that , but you guys have been telling me to go out and meet people so I thought I 'd try . Maybe I should try the library next . Don 't think the women there would be grabbing my butt or touching me all over . " " Let go of me , you big oaf ! " the woman shouted as she swatted the man with her handbag , trying to make him let go of her hand . " Help ! Somebody get him off me ! " David walked up to them and in one smooth action , pulled the man way from the woman and delivered a left hand punch to his face . The man crashed to the ground unconscious . Turning back to the woman , David found a very young lady staring up at him with her big blue eyes . She was still panting very hard from her exertions . " It 's only five days , Urs , stop worrying about me . I 'll call you everyday like I promise . " Turning to her children , she hugged and kissed each one of them and reminded them , " Listen to daddy while mommy 's away , ok ? " They nodded and little Gracie began to wail . " Now , Nick , Mommy 's going away for a little holiday and she 'll be back soon . Kiss Mommy goodbye now , " Sebastien said as he tried to pry both kids away from their mother . Giving his wife a passionate kiss , he said with longing in his eyes , " Have fun , but don 't forget to call . " Each of them had already chalked up two big bags laden with clothes and shoes by dinner time . When the waiter came by to take their orders and left , they started chatting about how each one of them were doing . Joanne was most impressed with Sam who had totally given up her job with the police force to devote her time to her family . Ginny was still modeling , but less often . " You don 't have to give up your career , you know , Joanne ? " Sam tried some reasoning . " I 'm sure Carlos wasn 't expecting you to give it up totally . You could hire a nanny to help with the baby , or get your parents or his parents to help if you have to go for a shoot . " " Yes , I 've thought of that . The problem is that I want to be able to take care of my children myself if I want to start a family , not hand them over to a nanny . Besides , I was thinking maybe wait another two more years and I 'll be ready to give up my career . " " Nick , come here and take your bath , " Sebastien shouted to his little boy . Instead of obeying , Nick ran out of the room stark naked , shouting and crying , " No , no ! I want Mommy ! " Throwing the bathing sponge into the tub , Sebastien ran out and caught his son just before he ran down the stairs . Struggling in his daddy 's arms , little Nick cried louder as they approached the bathroom . Gently placing the kicking child into the bath water , Sebastien began to sing a children 's song in French , one which his mother always sang to him . It soothed the little boy somewhat and he settled down and played with his toys . Later , when Ginny called , this was his report , " Oh , don 't worry honey . I 've got everything under control . The kids are behaving and we 're having a nice dinner right now with Uncle Carlos . " The truth was that they were having pizzas and everything wasn 't as ok as he had said ; Lily managed to break a photo frame while playing skipping in the family room , and Nick was constantly playing hide and seek with his dad , refusing to obey him and always crying out for mommy . Carlos chuckled quietly when Sebastien stuck out his tongue at the white lies he just told . " So she 's enjoying herself with you girls , and she doesn 't want to talk about that man ? Ok , I got it , " Sebastien gave Carlos a sideways glance as he said those words and saw that his friend was crestfallen . When he finally hung up the phone , he walked over to Carlos and put a hand on his shoulder , " I 'm sorry , Carlos , your wife is still angry … but the good news is , she 's open for discussion with the girls about your problems . " Back in Buhler 's residence , Urs had his kids behaving like little scouts literally . He decided that it was a good weather to camp out for the night and set up the big tent that they usually use for their camping trip in the countryside . Another smaller one for David was set up next to it . The camp was set behind the house , near the lake . He carefully set up a fire in front of the tent and made the children sit quietly around the fire , telling them stories out of a children 's book . David sat with them and toasted marshmallows over the fire for the kids as they listened attentively to Daddy 's lilting voice and drinking their milk . " Let 's see what the teacher can do for her at this stage . She 's still barely four . The teacher is now just teaching her to read notes and play the keyboard . " " Yes , but she likes the idea of going to school . There are two more girls in her group , slightly older , and she enjoys the interactions with them . Anyway , it 's just once a week . Besides , her teacher has extensive experience teaching young children like her . So what are you going to do now before we start our work ? " Shrugging , David replied , " I don 't know , Urs . I 'm finding peace within myself here , and I have you and Sam and your kids to thank for that . Maybe I 'll move here . Going back to the States seems less exciting than it used to be . " " I 've arrange for her family to come over and see if they would like to keep some of her stuff . I 've packed most of the stuff that I want to keep , but I don 't know what to do with her wardrobe and her collections . Maybe I 'll donate them to the Salvation Army . They could sell off the stuff and put the money to good use . " " Thanks , Urs . You and Sam have done so much for me since the accident . I 'm sorry for taking so long to come to terms with the loss . I know you 're all really worried about me , you , Carlos , Sebastien and the girls , but I guess deep inside me there is this regret that I didn 't marry Sandra sooner . That 's probably why I 'm finding it hard to accept that she 's really gone from my life , " David let out a sigh as he looked into space . The regret had been plaguing his mind for the longest time and he kept wondering about what if they had been married earlier . Perhaps things would have been different ? Perhaps Sandra would not have been going to the wedding photo shoot on that fateful day ? She could have been with him instead . The remorse was eating him alive , especially during those early days of her departure . If it wasn 't for the support of family members and friends like Sam and Urs , he would have plunged into a deeper depression . He thought he had it all under control a few months after the funeral only for the feelings of loss and guilt to come back during her death anniversary . Urs knew David had just revealed his deepest feelings to him and understood better what his friend was really going through . Gently shaking David 's shoulders , he said , " If Sandra could see you right now , she would be very worried about you , David . She was such a jovial and caring girl , she would hate to see you feeling so down and out . Time to move on , buddy . " " Awww , little Gracie wants her Mommy , " David teased and it caused the little girl to wail . Urs scowled at his friend who looked at him apologetically . Carrying the little child into the tent , he tried to lull her to sleep with a song and her favourite teddy bear . Soon , they were joined by Anthony who couldn 't keep his eyes open . Both twins lay in sleeping bags spread over a thick blanket and slowly drifted of to sleep as their daddy softly sang them a lullaby . Angel decided to stay and keep Uncle David company . Shaking her head , she sat nearer to David , " Uncle David , do you miss Auntie Sandra ? " She had heard her daddy and David discuss about Sandra and decided it was safe to mention her name . She had wanted to ask about Sandra from the first day David came to stay with them . Sandra always took her out shopping whenever they got together and she missed her so . " I miss her too . But Mommy said she 's in heaven now and she 's looking after us , making sure we are all happy . Are you happy , Uncle David ? " Looking back at the little girl , David ruffled her hair and replied , " Yes , I 've been very happy since I got here . Thank you , Angel . " He hugged her and kissed her forehead . " There 's no way I would forgive that idiotic husband of mine ! " Joanne fumed as the girls continued their girly talk after dinner . They were now back in Joanne 's luxurious apartment . " All these years while he flirted with other women , I 've never accused him of being unfaithful . What gives him the right to accuse me ? Besides , what about that woman he went to meet in the hotel room ? Did you know she was his old flame ? " " Of course not ! I only went out for drinks with Felix because we had important things to discuss . The shoot will start in a couple of months ' time and we still have lots of things to work on . " Sam sat on the edge of Joanne 's bed and observed her fiery friend . She had never doubted Joanne 's faithfulness but it still felt good to hear it from her . The fact that Joanne was still so worked up over Carlos 's mistakes showed that she still hadn 't given up on him . Sam felt encouraged by it and thought that Joanne was just trying to show her husband how to respect her ; she didn 't really want a divorce . " They 're planning a mini - tour after the release of the new album , Joanne . Maybe both of you should take this time , before you start filming for that documentary in Asia and he starts touring in Europe and perhaps the US , to set things right . Have a heart - to - heart talk with him instead of avoiding him , " Sam advised . " Talk ? How can I talk with a man who doesn 't even trust me ? There 's nothing to talk about ! He 's wrong to see that woman , and he 's wrong to accuse me of straying ! " Joanne paced the room and gesticulated wildly as her temper flared . Turning to face Sam , Joanne stopped momentarily , words stuck in her throat . Sam could see her struggling to say something but each time she opened her mouth , she closed it again . Finally she shook her head . " No , I don 't want to give up , but I can 't help feeling hurt over the accusation . I want him to be able to trust me like I trust him . " At that last sentence , Sam and Ginny looked up at her with raised eyebrow . " Oh , alright , maybe I didn 't trust him enough . But what 's a woman supposed to do when her husband is constantly flirting with other women ? Did you know that the woman sent him sexy text messages and called him many times ? When I answered one of the calls , she told me he was still sweet on her . What kind of woman am I if I 'm not disturbed by that ? " " Yes … no … I 'm not sure , " Joanne sighed , plopping onto her bed . " I 'm so tired . I have the travel documentary coming up and it 's going to last for at least six month , and then I have to deal with this . " Her eyes glimmered with tears that threatened to fall as she continued , " You have no idea what I 've been through ever since he left . " Ginny walked over and hugged her . Sam joined in too . The three women hugged together and while Joanne sniffled and choked on her own tears , the other two ladies tried their best to comfort her . Finally when Joanne had collected herself enough to smile , she warned them , " Don 't you dare tell him what I 've just said . I don 't want him to think it 's so easy to get me back after what he said and did . Hopefully the separation will make him miss me so much that he will realize that he doesn 't need other women . " Joanne nodded and Ginny said wisely , " Take heart , Joanne . When this is all over , the kiss - and - make - up part will be the sweetest thing that ever happened in your relationship . You will have a new understanding about each other . But you must not overdo it . Take his call once in a while to let him know you 're still here and you care . " After more discussions on each of their family lives and girly secrets , Joanne mentioned that she missed Sandra . This set the girls into a quiet mood for a while until Sam spoke up , raising her glass of champagne , " Lets drink a toast to our sister in heaven . If you 're with us , Sandra , know that we love you and miss you . We know you 'll be looking out for us , keeping us safe and sound , so please do your best to help David along . Cheers ! " The next few days went by in a flurry of activities for the girls . Shopping , pampering , visiting , sight - seeing , sun - bathing , dining … basically everything that they 'd wanted to do , they did . Joanne was an excellent host and Sam and Ginny both felt like they were in paradise . No need to worry about children or husband , just being themselves and being away from the real world for a few days . Of course the two mothers did not forget to call and check on their children every day , and their husbands never failed to call and check in on them when they did not call at the usual time . Both girls had to laugh at their anxious husbands and more often than not roll their eyes when the men began dispensing words like " Please be careful " or " Please don 't worry about us " . The truth was , the girls were more than capable of taking care of themselves and they knew their children were in good hands , well , at least Sam knew Urs to be capable of keeping their kids out of trouble . Ginny just didn 't bother about what the kids did to their father because she thought he had it coming by spoiling them rotten . But she pitied the housekeeper who would turn up twice a week to clean up the house . She wondered how many things had been broken by now and if the house still looked anything like when she had left it . Joanne , on the other hand , kept ignoring the countless phone calls and text messages she received from Carlos , even though the other girls kept urging her to take his calls , or at least send a text to let him know she was fine . Though she was dying to hear his voice again , pride , hurt and anger prevented her from giving in . In the end the girls decided to let her be . The time would come when she would feel lonely enough to want him back , Sam thought , knowing that she still loved him very much . David was just getting ready to go for a walk by the lake when his phone rang . It was his sister , wanting to know where he was and what he was doing . He gave her a quick update , preferring not to go into details about how he was doing . He told her not to worry about him and that he was enjoying his stay in the countryside . With an instruction to his sister to let their parents know about his whereabouts , he hung up . Had it really been three weeks since his arrival here , he asked himself . Shaking his head at how fast time flew by , he left the EC . Strolling along the lake and finally taking a seat on his favourite spot , he looked out at the clear , calm water and thought , ' Is it going to be like this for the rest of my life ? Am I going to be alone and missing Sandra whenever I 'm not with the guys or their families ? ' His heart ached badly but his mind refused to cave in to his feelings . Urs 's words ' Time to move on ' came to his mind . Finally , he stood up and left the peaceful setting for the lively chatter of a house filled with three lovely angels . They were going to have pancakes for breakfast . " Well , not really . Daddy lets me mix the floor and milk and egg . Look , they 're really nice and round , aren 't they ? I think they taste just as nice as those that Mommy makes . Right , Daddy ? " " I 'm not alone in this , David . Sam and I decided long ago that we should be consistent with what we say or do . If one of us feels that the kids need disciplining , the other will not interfere . And whatever promises we make to the kids , we make sure we keep them . That includes promises of a punishment if they misbehave . Three counts and that 's it : the punishment kicks in . " David pondered on that little information as he set the kitchen table for breakfast . If only Sebastien had taken a leaf from the Buhlers ' book , he wouldn 't have to run around the house chasing after his son . The last time David called to talk to Carlos , that was exactly what Sebastien was doing . Little Nick refused to sit down for dinner , screaming loudly that he wanted ice - cream and mommy instead . In the end , Sebastien had to come to a compromise with the child : dinner first , then ice - cream , then call mommy . After breakfast , David decided to go into town for a little bit of shopping , and asked if Urs needed anything . Urs decided he had quite a lot of stuff he needed to get and suggested a day in town with the kids instead . So the two Divos and three kids bundled into the SUV and drove off . While they were shopping in the supermarket , David was looking at some toiletries when Angel joined him . They walked along the aisle hand in hand , with Angel asking " What 's this for ? " or " Why do you need this ? " David tried to satisfy her curiosity as best as he could but some questions were simply beyond him and he just replied , " Maybe Daddy would know better . " " It 's ok … " the woman started and then stopped when she realised she was staring at a very tall and familiar guy . " Oh my God … David ! How nice to see you here ! " David smiled a little and replied , " Nice meeting you . If you 'll excuse us , we have some shopping to do . " And taking Angel 's hand , they walked away , but not before the woman caught his arm . " I 'm sorry about the previous night . I must have had too much drink , " she replied looking slightly embarrassed , taking his hand in hers . David smiled politely and wondered where the conversation would lead to . The fact that she was still holding his hand and was looking at him with so much longing wasn 't lost on him but being the gentleman that he was , he discreetly extricated his hand from hers . " Oh , what a lovely child this is . She couldn 't be yours , could she ? I mean , there was no news about you having any kids , " and she bent down and pinched Angel 's pink cheek . " David , please , could we maybe meet up for a drink ? I 'll be in town the whole of this week and next , " Suzie looked at him earnestly , her hand lightly squeezing his arm . Before David could reply , Urs turned up with Gracie tagging on to his trouser leg and Tony sitting in a trolley full of groceries . " Hi , Urs . My name is Suzie Kramer , " Suzie introduced herself enthusiastically , stretching out her hand to Urs . Urs shook her hand and greeted her , then looked at David for an explanation . " Mommy 's coming home tomorrow so Uncle David cannot meet you , Miss Kramer , " Angel offered a reply . With that , she pulled David away from the gawking woman . Urs smiled apologetically at her before pushing the trolley towards the cashier counter where Angel and David were already headed . After loading the groceries into the boot of the car , Urs suggested having ice - cream at the ice - cream parlor nearby to the delight of the kids . As the little ones tucked into their shared banana - split ice - cream , the adults had brownie hot fudge sundae each . Over the delicious dessert , Urs asked the question that David dreaded . " Now , don 't get me wrong . I 'm not trying to run away from every woman that comes along , but that 's coming on too strongly for my liking , " he continued in his whisper mode . Urs decided he had a point and left it at that . They had a pleasant trip home as the adults and kids sang a few children 's songs together in the car . Carlos flipped his mobile phone shut when he got no answer . Ever since he moved out of his apartment , he had been trying to call Joanne , but each time his calls went unanswered and text messages ignored . The few times he managed to get her at home , all she said was ' Hello ' and ' Goodbye , Carlos ' . He was getting desperate . Sebastien walked into the family room to see his friend scowling darkly at his mobile . " You know she 's alive . She 's with Ginny and Sam . Give her time to cool off , " Sebastien advised . Carlos had told all the guys how his problem started while they were having dinner the other day , and David more than once looked at him disapprovingly . Sebastien was thankful that the young American decided to hold his tongue ; otherwise they might need Sam 's policewoman skill to break up the fight . " Give her time to cool off ? It 's been two months now . How long more do I have to wait ? For all I know , she could be having drinks with the producer right now , " Carlos stated angrily . " Now , Carlos , don 't you start accusing Joanne without any basis . It would only make things worse for you . At least the guy didn 't send her any mushy text messages , or did he ? " Raking his hair with his hand , Carlos shrugged . Smiling understandingly , Sebastien put his arm around Carlos 's shoulder and propelled him towards the stairs , " It 's late now . Get some sleep . Or do you want me to tuck you in and sing you a lullaby ? " Carlos laughed and pushed his Latin cousin away , shaking his head as he made his way up the stairs and into his room . The few days without Ginny had been quite a challenge for Sebastien but he took it all in his stride . No matter how disobedient his kids were , he was always so patient with them , hardly ever losing his temper at all . Carlos thought for sure he would be having plenty of grey hair before he turned fifty if those were his own kids . Before he got ready for bed , he sent a message to Joanne , " I miss you . " When he got out of the bathroom and checked his phone , there was no surprise . Letting out a frustrated sigh , he turned down the cover and got into bed . Sam and Ginny had about filled two luggage full of gifts each by the last day of their visit . Joanne was sad to see them leave as they had a great time chilling out together , and she felt a weight off her shoulders when she confided in them . Both of them were sensitive enough not to push her into forgiving her husband and only dispensed advice when she asked for it . At the airport , all three girls shared a hug . " I 'm sure that will solve everything , " Sam said with a cheeky grin that made Joanne and Ginny laugh . " The kids would love to see you again , and maybe you can help cheer David up a little , " Sam suggested . She had spoken to David on two occasions ; both times she called to check how he was doing . He sounded cheerful enough but she had to see it herself to believe it . " If you won 't stay with Carlos at the Izambards ' , you can stay with us , though I would advise against it . You 've been too long apart and that 's not good for you both . " " I know , but I just can 't bring myself to call him and tell him I forgive him . I mean , I spent the last few years sticking by him despite all his flirting and the countless calls from unknown women late into the night . It 's hard to swallow when he turned around and accuse me of cheating on him . " Sam nodded understandingly , though she wished Joanne would just look deep into her heart to find the strength to forgive and forget . Soon , it was time for Sam and Ginny to board their plane . Joanne gave them another teary hug and promised to call often . Waving till they were out of sight , she made her way out of the airport and into her car . Driving home , she turned to look at her mobile phone lying on the passenger seat and wished that he would call . He didn 't . She had read last night 's message . She missed him too . When she got into her apartment , she played back her answering machine . There he was , five times in a row , asking her to call him , begging for forgiveness , telling her he loved her and saying how he missed her so . Joanne gave a little smile . ' Serves you right ' , she thought . Then suddenly a thought struck her : what did she want out of this little charade ? On the one hand , she was really hurt and angry with him and she couldn 't bring herself to forgive him so easily . On the other hand , she wondered if she had taken it too far by ignoring him for so long . Now she wasn 't sure she could hold out any longer because she was really missing him badly . She thought how pathetic she was to feel this way about a man who , after so many years of sticking by him , had hurt her the way he did . It must be his charm that was wrecking havoc with her heart , she decided . Picking up the phone , her fingers poised to press his number . ' What would I say to him ? I miss you ? Please come back ? I forgive you ? ' She couldn 't decide , so she hung up the phone and went about her daily chores in the house , all the while thinking of ways to solve her problems . Back in London , while waiting for Lily to finish her school lesson , Carlos sat in a café opposite the school and drank coffee as he did some people - watching from his window seat . He wasn 't really watching or paying attention to his surrounding . Instead , his mind was replaying his final argument with Joanne before she threw him out of the apartment they shared . Had it really been two months since he moved out of there ? It seemed more like two years . Each day passed by so slowly , sometimes he wished he could just pack up and head home , but knowing Joanne 's temperament , she 'd most probably throw out his luggage again . With a heavy sigh , he looked at his watch and decided it was almost time to pick up Lily . Finishing off his coffee and paying for it , he left the café . Opening the door and stepping out , he almost bumped into a woman who was just turning into the café . Carlos looked down and saw a pair of beautiful blue eyes smiling up at him . He smiled back and moved to the side so the lady could enter the café . She gave a little nod as thanks and entered . He turned to observe her as she walked into the establishment . ' What do you think you 're doing , Carlos ? ' he mumbled to himself . Then shaking his head he started towards Lily 's school . ' I must really be missing Joanne badly . She looks like her , ' he mused . Carol said : September 22 , 2012 at 11 : 58 pm So glad to have found this wonderful story here . I know I will enjoy rereading it as much as I did before . Had to wipe tears several times in Chapters 1 & 2 . Connie Lee - Love said : September 24 , 2012 at 1 : 22 pm Ok , I 'm hooked ! Had to go back and re - read the first story . Read eight chapters ladt night … . going back for more tonight ! Judith Tan said : September 24 , 2012 at 3 : 08 pm Thanks , Connie . As I was editing this , I was thinking my writing really sucks 😛 But I kind of make it up with a good domestic storyline LOL . But I think I have improved a little in this sequel , only a little . I much prefer As Love Grows because I think it 's better written than the first 2 , though there 's still much to improve on . Hopefully my fourth story is much , much better 😉

The famous gold done at Notre Dame . A beautiful wall mural on campus . The Notre Dame football stadium . How many famous athletes have played here ? A sculpture in the river in South Bend . A huge old building in South Bend . I 'm sure that someone that is familiar with this area will tell me what this building houses . It had no signs that I saw . We woke again this morning in this tiny little motel room . I 'm not claustrophobic but this place seems to be getting smaller by the day . At least we have our own coffee pot and don 't have to go to the office for coffee any more . We decided to go over to White Pigeon Michigan today to look at Quadra Mfg . where they make the Big Foot hydraulic leveling systems for trucks , motorhomes and trailers . Our friend Ted has this system on his trailer and we thought we 'd look at it while we 're up here with nothing to do . This system looks much heavier than the competition and much more robust . It is more expensive , but is probably worth it in reliability . We will talk about it since we 're not doing anything else to this trailer until the repairs are made and we see how it will hold up . We went over to South Bend and the Notre Dame campus . Is it called Noter Dame or Notre Dahm ? I don 't know . It 's a beautiful campus but there was so much traffic and so many students walking around , it was hard to stop and take photos . We came back here and walked over to the Menard 's store that is right next door . It 's an interesting place with everything from groceries to lawn supplies . Kind of like a Wal Mart on steroids . CJ and JD Wigley invited us over for supper tonight . We had given them some frozen chicken and a turkey breast to hold onto for us while the trailer is in the shop , and they bought some potato salad and other goodies and we all ate well . We stayed over there until about 8 : 30 and came on back to this little motel room . It was nice to just be able to sit in a trailer again . We 'll be glad when our 's comes back ! So long . As you can see , there is more damage to the trailer than first thought . The front cap has been removed and the bedroom slide can be seen on the floor beside the trailer . Much more damage . The living room slide has been removed and is laying on the floor . They are preparing the dining room slide for removal . Even the rear cap will come off . The ladder has been removed in preparation for the removal . I got a call pretty early this morning about the trailer repairs . It seems that once the back wall was opened water damage was found . The water was traced back to the roof , where a rubber boot that should have secured the antenna cables had slid upwards , allowing a 3 / 4 inch hole to be open and allow rain to enter the trailer . When this was discovered , Keith , the technician doing the work said he could not guarantee that any repair short of replacing the entire back wall would work out - long term . Heartland took the high road and elected to do the work the right way and re - skin the back side of the trailer . This will mean that the entire front cap , off door side skin and rear cap will have to be replaced . This is a huge job and will require our trailer , once the pieces are removed , to be brought back to the original assembly line for all the fiberglass to be replaced . They have scheduled an entire assembly - line crew to come in on Saturday to do the work . It also means that it will be late next week before the trailer is ready . I told Jim that we would be at the plant this afternoon to help in removing everything from the trailer . We had lunch with Coley Brady , Vice President and Director of Fifth Wheel Sales for Heartland . He had told Jim Beletti that he wanted to meet with us this week while we are in town . We had a very nice meal with him with a lot of interesting conversation . He , like most of the Heartland executives that I have met , is very nice and easy to talk to . He listens to all suggestions and is glad to listen . We went to our trailer and along with four Heartland employees , moved almost everything out of the trPosted by We woke this morning and began getting things ready to go . We hated having to pack up clothes , toiletries and everything that we needed , to move out but Stella decided to remove most of the things we have in the refrigerator and freezer because we don 't want to take a chance on it thawing and ruining our fridge . Jim had first told us that we could run it on propane but I had asked about plugging it in . Not only that , but we had to put things away and get the trailer ready to move . This sucks ! ! We left the park this morning about 9 : 20 and drove the two miles to Heartland . We drove to Fenner 's office and . Heartland owns a huge complex now , of I don 't know how many buildings and plants . Anyway , I went inside and got Jim and we followed him to the customer service building . We got to meet the technician that was going to do the work on our trailer . He seems to know what he 's doing , and didn 't see anything unusual . He promised to take care of our home and said it should be ready to go by Friday . We stopped off at Perkins for Stella to eat breakfast . I had eaten a leftover sandwich so I wasn 't hungry . When we got through , we tried to get into our motel room but the person that was already in the room wasn 't out yet . We waited until after noon and finally got into our room . We actually got a room with a small refrigerator and microwave , so we had a place to put our cold stuff . I had left a couple of the larger items from the freezer with JD and told them to eat them if they wanted . The Wigleys were coming over to this motel to set up their stay here , so when they got here , we decided to go over to Valparaiso Ind . to see some trucks at Classy Chassis . It took us about an hour and a half to get there on the backroads route that the GPS took us on , but we made it . The dealer was somewhat of a disappointment to us because they had no inventory of new trucks , only used ones . I 'm sure they would have built one for me if I had asked , but I wanted to look at something now . We drove back to Elkhart on the toll road , and it was a mucPosted by We woke this morning with lots to do today . We are supposed to take the trailer in on Wednesday for the work to be done , and there are a lot of things we need to do first . We ate breakfast in the trailer of some muffins that we had bought at Perkins Restaurant and left to run errands . I had received a message from Ed Weidig , one of our Heartland Owners club friends from Texas . He is in Elkhart for a meeting for work . He is delivering RV 's , which I did about 10 years ago . He wanted to meet us for coffee , and we met at the Goshen fairgrounds , mainly because that was a location that we both knew . We had a nice visit with him over coffee , and exchanged stories of delivering RV 's . Ed attended one of our Houston rallies and said he would try to come in October . Stella and I went to Lambright 's Furniture to look at some recliners . This place is way out in the boonies near Shipshewana . The store is run by Amish people and we got their name from Rick and Brenda who had bought some chairs here last year . They make nice chairs , but we were not impressed with some of the features on them , so I think we 'll keep looking . They 're nice chairs and certainly worth a look , but they didn 't quite fit what we need . We were going to eat at a small restaurant near the flea market in Shipshewana but it was closed today . We ended up at The Blue Gate , a famous Amish restaurant , and had a great meal there . While there , we ran into the Wigleys again . Small world ! Here we are , 1300 miles from home , and have already met with one fellow that we know from Texas and are parked next to another friend who are from Arkansas that we met in Texas . I guess that 's to be expected when you live our lifestyle of traveling all the time . I have been playing phone tag with Jim Fenner , the service manager at Heartland , about a time for getting our trailer in on Wednesday . We drove through some beautiful country on our way back to Elkhart , and just stopped in at Jim 's office . We met with him and he said to bring the trailer in tomorrow instead of Wednesday , so we wPosted by Man , we slept last night ! I didn 't go to bed until after 11 , even though I was tired from five days of driving and of course , the hassle of the break - down yesterday . I didn 't wake this morning until 8 : 30 and Stella didn 't get up until after 9 ! We were both tired out and just stayed inside most of the day . I worked on catching up on my blog and she worked and played on her computer inside . I did go get us checked into the park and went over to visit with the Wigleys about 1 : 30 . I came back home and worked more on the computer and took a short nap in my chair . Hey , I 'm still tired . . . We agreed to go out for supper with JD and CJ . They took us to a place called Perkins restaurant in Elkhart . We all had a good meal and bought some muffins for breakfast in the morning . We returned home to more rain , and went back inside . A relaxed day of rest was certainly called for . I think we earned it ! Here we sit , broke down on the side of the road . The right rear wheel brake caliper malfunctioned , causing brake fluid to spray on the brake rotor and pads and causing a lot of smoke . Here is a closer look at the broken caliper . The caliper is the large on the right side of the hub and had to be replaced . We stood around so long waiting for the mobile repair guy , I took out our lawn chairs and we sat there on the side of the road . If I had some lemonade , I could have opened a stand and made a little money as we waited . : > ) Today is the final day of our journey . We are both getting into this short driving days and slept a little later this morning . We did get up in time to go have breakfast at the park , the first hot breakfast we have had all week . Again , we made good time and stopped at a rest area just before we got to Indianapolis for our break . We got through Indianapolis and at some point , my brakes on the right rear began to smoke . I stopped as soon as I could and found fluid coming out on the inside of the wheel hub . We called Good Sam road service and they sent a mobile repair guy out to work on the truck . The guy came out , but told me that I had to pay him $ 90 per hour from the time he left his house until he got through with the work . Since I was broke down on the side of the road , what choice did I have ? I told him to get to work . He looked at the damaged wheel and determined that the brake caliper was bad and that he would have to go to a parts store about 20 miles away . Again , no choice , so away he went . It took him an hour and fifteen minutes to go to the store to buy the parts he needed . Then he starts to work and finds that he doesn 't have a tool that he needs to take the caliper apart to replace it . He has to go back to the parts store to get this tool , but says he may be able to find someone closer to help him . I questioned him about why I had to pay for him not having the tools to get the job done , but his reply is that if I hadn 't broken down , he wouldn 't have needed the part . Nothing I can do buPosted by I woke this morning , still full from Lambert 's cafe . I did eat a little cereal before we took off , but we 're getting later and later We didn 't leave until after 10 this morning ! We made good time and made it into Indiana before we stopped for a break . I saw another of the FEMA trailers in the rest area . The only signs I saw on this one was the warnings about hooking up water and sewer . Other than a lot of black streaks and some hoses and wires hanging down under the trailer , it seemed to be in pretty good shape . I forgot to tell you about an older man in the service station where we stopped for fuel . We were pulling out , coming from the diesel truck fueling area behind the station . This guy pulled out from the front of the station and never looked right nor left , pulling out right in front of me . Thank goodness my brakes are good and I was able to stop . Then he gets to the highway and without slowing down at all , he just pulls out into the road , right in front of a van , who laid on the horn for him . He 's just driving , not paying attention . We pulled into the Terre Haute KOA about 3 o ' clock . This is a pretty little park where we stayed for two days last year on our trip to Goshen for the rally there . The little donkeys are still there and they added a stray puppy that someone dropped there . They are keeping it for animal control to come out and take it away . I feel sorry for animals that are abandoned like that , but we don 't need another dog right now . It rained some on us today , which just keeps the bugs off the front of the trailer . It made it cooler than it was in Texas , but not too cold to make it uncomfortable . I am liking these travel days more and more . So long . We pulled out of Benton this morning about 9 : 30 . We seem to be getting into the swing of this short trip days , and just took our time getting away . The last time we were here , there were two Heartlands in the park but they are gone now . We were the only one there today but thats okay . They 'll learn that the more Bighorns and Landmarks there are , the more attractive their park is . There were no mishaps today , and we pulled into Sikeston and the Hinton RV Park about 3PM . There is a free shuttle between the park and Lambert 's ( home of the throwed rolls ) . We rested a bit after getting hooked up and went over to the office and they called for the shuttle for us . When we got through with our meal , I was glad the van had a very large sliding door , because as much as I ate , I needed the extra room to get in . I 'm surprised that the van didn 't turn over when we got in ! Lambert 's is well worth going to and there are three cafes , and I 'm sure that all are equally good . When we left in the morning , we decided to buy fuel at a truck stop near the park . They had the lowest prices that we 've seen , so we filled up . We took 70 gallons to go 708 . 9 miles for a 10 . 1 MPG average . So long . Today was a very uneventful day of traveling . We woke pretty early and ate some cereal before leaving . We pulled out about nine o ' clock and soon got back onto Hwy . 59 . There was a little confusion between what the GPS was telling me to do , what Stella was telling me what to do and what I was seeing on the road signs . I am more afraid of Stella than I am of the GPS , so I followed her directions and we found the roads we needed to get back onto the highway . We again made good time on the highway , stopping only at the welcome center into Arkansas for Stella to get another map to add to her collection . We pulled into the I - 30 RV park about 1 : 30PM . I am beginning to like these short travel days . When I planned this trip , I kept each days travel to less than 300 miles , so we don 't have to start real early and still be able to get where we 're going and set up well before dark each day . Many of our full - timer friends use the 2 / 2 or 3 / 3 methods for traveling . They travel 200 miles or 2 o ' clock before stopping or 300 miles or 3 o ' clock . It works for them and I am liking it so far . So long . Today is our first moving day on our trip to Elkhart to have some much - needed work done to the trailer . We woke and got started without much ado , and were able to leave Rayford a few minutes after nine , pretty much a record for us . One thing that helped was that we had said goodbye to everyone yesterday , and we were up and working early , so we made an early exit . We made good time without incident until we decided to stop at a little convenience store / truck stop near Lufkin . When I pulled over to turn into the parking lot , I hit a bump just as we were turning and the trailer brakes immediately locked up ! What the heck ? I went back to look at why the safety pin had come out and found that the safety pin cable had somehow gotten between the trailer hitch and the base plate and when I had turned , the cable was pulled . This is a freak accident that could probably not ever be staged . The cable had to be in just the right location to fall into the tiny crack between the hitch and the base that opened when we went over the bump in the road . At least we were turning into the parking lot and not out on the road . We jacked the trailer up to take the weight off the hitch , and I was able to pull the cable out and reattach the safety . It could only happen to me . . . We finally got into Marshall and found the Marshall RV park . I don 't know how we found this place , but don 't worry , we won 't be back ! It 's not a park that I could ever recommend , but it was a place to pull into for the night and feel relatively safe . The sites are very narrow and there are a lot of people that live here full time . The fellow to our right had his dish antenna sitting in our site , but when we pulled in , the dish faced right into our trailer . He seemed mad when he got home from work and couldn 't get any TV reception , but we were in our site and can 't help where he chose to set his dish . He moved it but never said a word to us , so I guess he realized that he was in the wrong . Also , he knew that we will be leaving tomorrow , so he can put his dish back thenPosted by I woke this morning and had coffee for the last time with the guys . Since we leave , first thing in the morning , I won 't have time to come down here again , so I said my goodbyes here . I returned to the trailer and hung out with Stella . We both have agreed to get a lot done today before we leave tomorrow . In the afternoon , I cleaned out the tanks on the trailer , took the porch and the Dish Network receiver down and took them over to Timber Ridge where we will be staying for the next three months when we return from Elkhart . Gwen told me that the green storage building would be unlocked so I could store my stuff inside there , but when we got there it was locked . The office was closed and I tried to get in touch with Chuy , the cleaning lady for Rayford , who lives here at Timber Ridge , but she wasn 't home . Oh well , I guess I 'll have to bring it over in the morning , which will delay our leaving . We had talked to Ricky and Dee and were meeting them for supper . They told us to come over to their house instead of at a restaurant and I 'm glad they did . When I told Ricky about my storage problem , he offered to let me use his garage , so we unloaded everything and put it into his garage . Its nice to have friends with big garages to store our stuff . . . So long . Today was the last day of the Heartland rally , so I made some coffee in our big pot and a few people came by and drank some with us . A couple of people left pretty early , but they lived nearby and were trying to make it to church . I got to tell them goodbye as they left . Jim Beletti called and asked if Stella and I would rather have breakfast or lunch with him . Since we planned to go down to Texas City to see the boys before we leave , I told him we chose breakfast . He said he would come by and pick us up , so I told Stella and went to talk to as many of my friends as I could before we went to breakfast . We had a very nice breakfast with Jim and talked about some very exciting news that I can 't go into right now , but it 's going to be fun for us . Stay tuned here and when I can , I 'll tell you what it is . We came back to the park and talked more to Jim in our trailer . When he left to catch his airplane back to Chicago , we went to TC to see the kids . We had a very nice time with the boys and of course , Kim and Jeremy too . We ended up going to Ryan 's and had a fine meal there . While there , we saw Louis Gill , an old friend from the City of Dickinson . Louis was on the City Council for a time when I was a Police Officer there . He was a good friend to me and it was good to see him . We returned to the park and found that there were still a few folks left from the rally . Some will be leaving tomorrow and of course , we leave on Tuesday . The adventure continues . . . So long . Saturday morning began with coffee for me , both in the rally hall with some of the Heartlanders as well as the " regulars " that come down and at my trailer . A few folks came by and had some coffee but we didn 't do anything for breakfast . We just hung out with our Heartland friends . Several people looked at the two display units from Ron Hoover RV 's . There was a beautiful gray Big Country fifth wheel and a conventional white Big Country that had been traded in by one of our attendees . This used one was to be used by the salesman to sleep in but his wife was ill so he left the park to go home to care for her . About noon , we all went to the rally hall for the lunch of sandwiches and chips that was furnished by Ron Hoover RV 's . Unfortunately , some of the sub sandwiches were still frozen but people put then into the microwave to warm them and everyone enjoyed their lunch . After lunch , Jim Beletti told us about his news from the factory . He gave a brief history of Heartland and of their present standings . They are a six year old company and are currently at # 3 in fifth wheel sales . Overall , they are showing increases in sales in all lines and recently bought the rights to some of the Fleetwood names , so there will be some new Heartland trailers with old familiar names someday . Jim Gratz showed us some videos of trailer maintenance that he got at a class he took . Some were very good and some were basic knowledge but I think several people stayed to watch them . We all came back to the rally hall at 6 o ' clock for our potluck dinner . As usual , the food was great and there was more than we could eat . Most of us ate more than we should have but it was sooo good . After supper , we had more entertainment from DannyLee and Sue Jean . Jim and I were also joined by Bette McGee , who did very well for herself . It was a great way to end the last night of the rally . So long . Posted by Bob agreed to make his delicious breakfast burritos this morning . Here is a shot of Bob and I bringing some of the ingredients to the rally hall . Here is Bob , hard at work over the hot griddle , making breakfast for many of us . Everyone enjoyed our food and the fellowship was good too . Here are just a few of the folks waiting for breakfast to be made . If you look really close , you 'll see the rectangular plaque on the wall is from our first Heartland rally at Rayford in October 2007 . Wow , has it really been that long ago ? This is rally # 6 for us and we have enjoyed all of them . Here are more waiting to eat . The wait was certainly worth it ! Today was the arrival day for the rest of the people coming to the rally . Bighorns were again well represented with four units ( Jim & Gloria , Jim & Ginger , David & Susan , and Dannylee and Sue Jean ) , and one in a Big Country ( John W . ) Five couples had to drop out and they were missed , but they certainly missed a good time . Ron Hoover RV sent two Big Country units to show at the rally along with Kevin , one of their salesmen . It is ironic that one of the units was new and one was used . The new unit was exactly the same floorplan that John W . has ( only bought a month ago ) and the used unit was his trade - in . Heartland Director of Owner Interests , Jim Beletti arrived around noon . He flew in because he has been in meetings at the factory and didn 't have time to get his rig and come down , but he got to come and that is what counts . After everyone arrived , we visited some in the afternoon and come supper time , we decided to go to Pitmasters Bar B Cue because that is one of Jim 's favorites here in Houston . About 20 of us went there to eat , and they sat us out on the patio . It was very pleasant outside and we all enjoyed our barbecue . We went back to the park and had entertainment from Dannylee and Sue Jean . Dannylee is a Johnny Cash man and does a good imitation of him as well as singing karaoke . He brought his own tapes tonight and had approximately 3500 songs to choose from . Jim Gratz anPosted by Here is a photo ( thanks Bobcat ) of one row of trailers that were attending our rally . The Montana next to mine isn 't a part of the rally but was parked there prior to us arriving . You can also see Stella walking down the street toward Bill and Ornell 's trailer . Here is a group that is sitting around at Bill and Ornell 's trailer . This is just one of the trailers where people hung out . Several people arrived today including one Big Country ( Jaime and his family ) , five Bighorns ( Bob & Ann , Tom & Marti , Ken and Denise , Charlie & Peggy and Gary & Michelle ) , two Landmarks ( Tom & Judy and Terry and Carol ) and one Trail Runner ( Jason & Tammi ) . We are getting a good group together ! We watched the arrivals all day and then in the evening , we decided to go out to eat . One group went to CrabbyDaddy 's for seafood and a smaller group went to Hooter 's . Guess which group we went with ? Yep , gotta love those hot wings . . . We all came back and hung around in the park until retiring for the night around 10 o ' clock , and yes , I stayed up that late ! So long . Today was the first big arrival day for the Heartland rally , with four couples getting here . Two Bighorns ( Buddy and Maureen & Jim and Bette ) , one Landmark ( Tom & Judy ) and one Cyclone ( Pat and Lori ) are here today with many more to come tomorrow and Friday . We just hung around the park all day , watching everyone coming in and getting set up . We were a little more spread out than we expected to be , but there had been another rally scheduled for Monday thru Thursday , so they had to juggle everyone around . Then today , some people dropped out of our rally , which further fouled up the planning and placing of folks . I think all - in - all , Melissa did a fine job of keeping us together . A large group of us went to the Casa Imperial for mexican food for supper . As usual , the food was very good and we all had a nice time . We came back home and sat outside for awhile chatting and visiting with old and new friends . The party has started ! So long . Today was another nice spring day here . It is a little chilly in the morning , so I have to wear long pants or sweats when I go have coffee with the guys . It warms up nicely , and so far , no rain . We were invited to go to lunch with the Winter Texans today but had made plans for Ted and Donna to come by . We called them and they wanted to go too , so off we went . We had the entire back room to ourselves and had a grand old time . We spent over an hour and a half in the restaurant , just visiting with our friends and exchanging travel plans and itineraries . It was a very pleasant afternoon . When we got finished , we walked down the block to an Amish furniture store . It was more of a " any little knick - knack that looks Amish " store than anything , but there were some pieces of furniture that we looked at . Of course with us living in an RV , there is no room for the heavy wood furniture built by the Amish , but the craftsmanship is about as good as it gets . We drove back over to the park and sat outside until about 9 o ' clock . Of course , I took a break when NCIS came on , and was surprised to see that Donna hadn 't gone home to watch Dancing With the Stars , but they had stayed and we had a fine visit . So long . I woke this morning and went down to have coffee with the guys in the rally hall . We have some lively discussions at times but try to avoid some things like politics and religion . Gwen has agreed to buy us a topological map that shows roads and highways so that we can actually see where we are going when we leave here . I am looking forward to seeing it . I had to take some of my " stuff " down to Kim 's house to store it while we are gone . We have decided that this will be a light load trip . We intend to leave as much as we can here if it won 't be used , including the porch and television dish . We won 't be at one location long enough to use these items , so rather than lug them along , we decided to leave them . Bill was going to ride down with me , but he got a call that a friend of his in his union hall had died and he had to go to the hall to pay his respects . I made a pretty quick trip down but stopped by the house to see what progress had been made . A hispanic man was there to make an estimate on some of the work , but I didn 't talk to him too much due to the language barrier . It didn 't appear that anything has been done yet but I 'm sure it won 't be long . I came on back home and found out that TxBobcat , one of my Heartland RV friends had arrived . I hung out with Bill and Stella and went to bed . So long . I 'm sorry for being so far behind but here 's my first catch - up entry . Friday , Stella and I went to the grocery store to buy supplies for the upcoming week and to make her goulash soup for tonight . Bill and Ornell are coming early for the rally , so we will have supper made for them when they arrive . When they got here , it had been raining on them just about all the way and it was chilly , so we ate outside and all went in for the night . A very short and uneventful night , but we are glad our friends are here . Saturday morning , we went to eat breakfast with the remaining Winter Texans that are still at the park . We wanted to go to Big E McGee 's restaurant in Old Town Spring , but they don 't serve breakfast until May 8th , so we went to The Egg and I . It was a very enjoyable meal with many of our friends . Bill and Ornell went with us , and after we ate , we decided to go look at some Dodge trucks at Spring Dodge Bill has been looking at the new Dodge Ram trucks for a while and Ornell has been surprised that he hasn 't bought one yet . Of course , I looked too but didn 't see anything I liked enough to inquire further . We came back home and just hung out in the park for the rest of the day . It 's still a little cool in the evening so we didn 't stay out very late . We got up Sunday morning and drank our coffee outside . It is so nice to sit outside in the morning with friends and so many friendly people coming by . It makes for a very pleasant morning . Stella made us some pigs in a blanket for our breakfast . We hung around the park all morning and didn 't do too much . Sadly , Ornell had to leave to get back for work tomorrow . We were sorry she had to leave , but we promised to keep Bill out of trouble and away from the Dodge dealer . Bill , Stella and I went to Red Robin for supper . We were all hungry for a burger and this place is close and very good , so we drove down there . We came back home and sat outside for a little while but the cool weather sent us back inside soon . So long . Posted by I went down to have coffee this morning and somehow didn 't make any mention of selling the house . Maybe it was a premonition or maybe I just didn 't think about it ( NOT ! ! ) . Anyway , I didn 't say anything about it , and took the clothes down to the washateria for Stella when one of the ladies at the title company called and told me that I had not signed one of the forms . I thought that I had , and Stella thought the same thing , but as soon as she got through with the wash , we drove back over and sure enough , I had forgotten one little signature . It would have held things up but it shouldn 't now . So I guess a WooHoo is in order here . The house is sold and the check is in the mail . Well , not in the mail exactly , since everything is done electronically now , I guess you 'd say the check is in the electronic mail . Stella will keep her eagle eyes on the bank account to see when it shows up . We decided to go out to eat again today and saw a billboard for the Blue Water Seafood Restaurant on FM 1960 . Wow , what a traffic jam on 1960 ! I hated driving in the traffic , but the food at the restaurant was really good , so it was all worthwhile . Luckily for Stella , I was able to stifle the WooHoos while we ate , but I sure felt like it ! I think the other patrons in the restaurant would have understood if I had let loose with a little Woo Hoo , or maybe just a woohoo ? We came on back home and relaxed for the rest of the evening . I walked around the park some and chatted with some of my friends here . I really love this park , not only because we know so many folks here , but because everyone here is so friendly . It wouldn 't take someone very long to meet new friends here , and of course when the Winter Texans are here , there are a lot of activities , so you shouldn 't get bored . The weather has been great , with cool nights and mild days , so hopefully the rally should have good weather . Crossing my fingers , toes and eyes for that to happen . So long . Today is the big day , closing day on the house ! We began the day in our normal fashion , me going to have coffee and Stella and Cassie sleeping in . The last of the winter Texans will be leaving next week and I am not sure if we will still have coffee , but my Heartland rally people will be coming in , so we will have coffee here at my place if not in the rally hall . We did the " Rayford shuffle " this morning . I knew that we would have to move when we got here , and today is the day . I ate a quick breakfast when I returned and we got busy . It only took about 45 minutes to get everything ready . I took the outside things over in the truck and by the time I had everything done outside , she had the inside ready to close up and be moved . We didn 't bother to put a lot of things away , since we were only moving a block away , so it went very quickly . I got Warren to help me load up the porch into his truck , so we were done in less than an hour and a half . We both cleaned up and went to the title company office to sign away our house . It closed without any problem , since we are the only owner of the house . We bought it almost exactly 26 years ago , and while we are sad to leave our home , it opens a new chapter in our life . Living in our RV full time has been everything we had thought it would be , and we are looking forward to many more years of traveling and seeing the country . I probably embarrassed Stella by yelling WooHoo on the sidewalk in front of the title company , but man , was I happy ! We drove over to Timber Ridge Village , where we will be living for the next three months as soon as we return from Elkhart . The park looks okay , but it 's not Rayford . We don 't know which site we will be in , but someone else has moved into the site where Rick and Brenda had been in . We know the couple and they are building a new home nearby , so perhaps they will move sooner than we think . We 'll work it out to find a nice spot to stay in . We stopped off to eat at Mel 's Country Cafe for our lunch / supper ( lupper ? ) . We have eaten here many times in tPosted by Monday , we stayed around here in the morning . Of course , I went down for the morning coffee meeting , but came home and went for my walk around the park . We left here about 11 : 00 to go to Dickinson for a last look around the house . We had other errands to run while we were in Dickinson , so we got them all done . We went to the Post Office to change our address to our new one in Bellville . We got that done and stopped by City Hall to try to get the trash cans picked up , but after more run around , we learned that we needed to be on the other side of the building to go to the Water Co . to stop the water service and to get the trash cans removed . Now keep in mind that the City of Dickinson and the Water Co . have been together since I worked there , and they just built and completed a brand - new building , but there is no way to go from one to the other without leaving the building and going into a different entrance . And I always thought customer service meant something . . . We made our last look - round at the house and picked up a few more items to go to storage and back home . We left an awful lot of " stuff " in the house but we are both tired of looking at it and through it but it will be someone else 's problem soon . We went over to Kim 's house and we all went out for supper before we returned home . It ended up a busy but productive day . Tuesday , Ted and Donna came over and we went to a new place in Old Town Spring called E McGee . It is a boarding house style restaurant and the food was very good . We came back here to the park and sat outside chatting until time for our respective television shows . The end of another good day . So long . It 's good to be back at Rayford and many of our friends . We found out that other of our friends here left yesterday but we missed them . At least the guys are still having coffee in the rally hall in the morning . It was like old home for me ! I got a call from our buyer that the closing will occur on Wednesday at 1 o ' clock . We will get a call from the title company for confirmation and directions to their office in the Woodlands . Yippee ! ! We went get Stella 's hair cut and to the grocery store on Friday morning and came back here and hung out at the park . Stella made some brownies for bingo tonight while I took care of computer matters in my chair . Thats a polite way of saying that I took a nap . We ate some Reuben sandwiches for our supper and went down and played bingo but of course , I didn 't win . Everyone knows those games are rigged ! Just kidding . . . We had a good time and visited with several people after bingo and came back home . Saturday morning I went to have coffee and after , we had one of the Saturday morning breakfasts that Gwen and Billy fix . As always , the food was good and we met another couple from Canada who sat at the table with us . We had some nice conversations while we ate . We went to Sam 's and to Wal Mart and came back home . There was a potluck dinner Saturday night that was fun . Even though most of the winter Texans are gone , there was a good turnout for the dinner . The park is full and there are a lot of children here . Sunday morning we stayed in and didn 't plan on doing anything . We were sitting around when someone came to the door and guess who it was ? Our friends Harry and Judy . Harry just had some medical problems and they were in the neighborhood and dropped by to see us . They are leaving soon for Idaho where they have accepted a work camping job at a park there . It was good to see them again . Less than 30 minutes after Harry and Judy left , someone else came to the door . Our Boomer friends , Bernest and Pauleen came by to see us . We haven 't seen them since my retirement party with the Boomers in Posted by Stella and I began our moving day by sitting out in the early morning cool , drinking our coffee and watching the birds and squirrels eat and play around the bird feeder . It is so peaceful here at the state park , especially in the spring when the trees start to fill out . Only a few people are out this morning and everyone is so friendly . Stella made some new friends last night . Two trucks came into the park towing Casita trailers and parked across the street from us . These are the cute little oval trailers that look like an oversize capsule . Stella took Cassie out around 1o for her last trip outside when she saw a copperhead snake on the pavement near the front of our trailer . She didn 't have anything but her flashlight and doggie pooper scooper in her hand , so she beat the snake to death with the plastic scooper . One of the men across the street saw it and called Stella his hero . Heck , she 's my hero too because I 'd have probably screamed like a girl and run to get her if I had been out there with the poisonous snake ! I guess I better get her one of those portable bear lights for use when we are in snakey areas . We got loaded up without any problem , but my new platform to hold the porch gave me a fit until I figured out how to stack everything . I had to put it in three times before everything fit just right and it rode just fine . We didn 't get away until about 12 : 45 , but we only have 60 miles or so to drive , so we weren 't worried . We have been moved into site # 87 temporarily until our permanent site opens up next week . We are so glad to be back here , with several of our friends still here in the park . I learned that the guys are still meeting in the morning for coffee , so I have to get up early and go down to the rally hall in the morning . I was pretty tired from knocking everything down and putting it back together today , so I took a shower and turned in early . I forgot that it will likely be dark when I walk down to the rally hall and I didn 't have time to get that bear light . I hope a big ol ' diamond backed , copperPosted by This was our site at Stephen F . Austin this month . We were parked near the firewood and ice machine for convenience sake and it turned out to be a very nice site . The only problem turned out to be the surrounding trees , because when they began to bud out in the spring , it made my Dish reception go away . This is the street side of the trailer with all my signs . It was an enjoyable experience to have done the park hosting here and I 'm sure that we 'll do it again . Here is one of my buddies , the squirrel . He is in the tree above my chair , barking at me to move . I guess I was sitting too close to the feeder and it made it difficult for him to dominate the birds at the feeder . He finally made it to the feeder and is starting to eat . You cannot imagine how much these wild animals can eat ! I had to fill the feeder at least once a day , and sometimes twice a day . The birds could not get on the feeder with the squirrel , but they had plenty to eat off the ground . The squirrel as well as other birds were very messy and what didn 't get into their mouth went on the ground for the smaller and younger birds to eat . Today , being our last full day in the park , I got some things put away in preparation for leaving tomorrow . It was our day off anyway , so it was kind of pointless to have stayed but we hadn 't planned to leave until the first . I ran into Larry and asked him to pick up my Park Host sign , since I couldn 't carry it in my golf cart . He soon came by and picked it up and took it back to the shop . In the afternoon I took the cart and my other gear that I had been issued , so my time here is officially over . Our good friends , A . D . and Dee came by and we decided to go out to eat at Orlando 's Pizza in Brookshire tonite . We had a very nice meal and they came over later and we had a nice chat over a campfire . It was a very nice way to end our stay here . So long . Posted by

The famous gold done at Notre Dame . A beautiful wall mural on campus . The Notre Dame football stadium . How many famous athletes have played here ? A sculpture in the river in South Bend . A huge old building in South Bend . I 'm sure that someone that is familiar with this area will tell me what this building houses . It had no signs that I saw . We woke again this morning in this tiny little motel room . I 'm not claustrophobic but this place seems to be getting smaller by the day . At least we have our own coffee pot and don 't have to go to the office for coffee any more . We decided to go over to White Pigeon Michigan today to look at Quadra Mfg . where they make the Big Foot hydraulic leveling systems for trucks , motorhomes and trailers . Our friend Ted has this system on his trailer and we thought we 'd look at it while we 're up here with nothing to do . This system looks much heavier than the competition and much more robust . It is more expensive , but is probably worth it in reliability . We will talk about it since we 're not doing anything else to this trailer until the repairs are made and we see how it will hold up . We went over to South Bend and the Notre Dame campus . Is it called Noter Dame or Notre Dahm ? I don 't know . It 's a beautiful campus but there was so much traffic and so many students walking around , it was hard to stop and take photos . We came back here and walked over to the Menard 's store that is right next door . It 's an interesting place with everything from groceries to lawn supplies . Kind of like a Wal Mart on steroids . CJ and JD Wigley invited us over for supper tonight . We had given them some frozen chicken and a turkey breast to hold onto for us while the trailer is in the shop , and they bought some potato salad and other goodies and we all ate well . We stayed over there until about 8 : 30 and came on back to this little motel room . It was nice to just be able to sit in a trailer again . We 'll be glad when our 's comes back ! So long . As you can see , there is more damage to the trailer than first thought . The front cap has been removed and the bedroom slide can be seen on the floor beside the trailer . Much more damage . The living room slide has been removed and is laying on the floor . They are preparing the dining room slide for removal . Even the rear cap will come off . The ladder has been removed in preparation for the removal . I got a call pretty early this morning about the trailer repairs . It seems that once the back wall was opened water damage was found . The water was traced back to the roof , where a rubber boot that should have secured the antenna cables had slid upwards , allowing a 3 / 4 inch hole to be open and allow rain to enter the trailer . When this was discovered , Keith , the technician doing the work said he could not guarantee that any repair short of replacing the entire back wall would work out - long term . Heartland took the high road and elected to do the work the right way and re - skin the back side of the trailer . This will mean that the entire front cap , off door side skin and rear cap will have to be replaced . This is a huge job and will require our trailer , once the pieces are removed , to be brought back to the original assembly line for all the fiberglass to be replaced . They have scheduled an entire assembly - line crew to come in on Saturday to do the work . It also means that it will be late next week before the trailer is ready . I told Jim that we would be at the plant this afternoon to help in removing everything from the trailer . We had lunch with Coley Brady , Vice President and Director of Fifth Wheel Sales for Heartland . He had told Jim Beletti that he wanted to meet with us this week while we are in town . We had a very nice meal with him with a lot of interesting conversation . He , like most of the Heartland executives that I have met , is very nice and easy to talk to . He listens to all suggestions and is glad to listen . We went to our trailer and along with four Heartland employees , moved almost everything out of the trPosted by We woke this morning and began getting things ready to go . We hated having to pack up clothes , toiletries and everything that we needed , to move out but Stella decided to remove most of the things we have in the refrigerator and freezer because we don 't want to take a chance on it thawing and ruining our fridge . Jim had first told us that we could run it on propane but I had asked about plugging it in . Not only that , but we had to put things away and get the trailer ready to move . This sucks ! ! We left the park this morning about 9 : 20 and drove the two miles to Heartland . We drove to Fenner 's office and . Heartland owns a huge complex now , of I don 't know how many buildings and plants . Anyway , I went inside and got Jim and we followed him to the customer service building . We got to meet the technician that was going to do the work on our trailer . He seems to know what he 's doing , and didn 't see anything unusual . He promised to take care of our home and said it should be ready to go by Friday . We stopped off at Perkins for Stella to eat breakfast . I had eaten a leftover sandwich so I wasn 't hungry . When we got through , we tried to get into our motel room but the person that was already in the room wasn 't out yet . We waited until after noon and finally got into our room . We actually got a room with a small refrigerator and microwave , so we had a place to put our cold stuff . I had left a couple of the larger items from the freezer with JD and told them to eat them if they wanted . The Wigleys were coming over to this motel to set up their stay here , so when they got here , we decided to go over to Valparaiso Ind . to see some trucks at Classy Chassis . It took us about an hour and a half to get there on the backroads route that the GPS took us on , but we made it . The dealer was somewhat of a disappointment to us because they had no inventory of new trucks , only used ones . I 'm sure they would have built one for me if I had asked , but I wanted to look at something now . We drove back to Elkhart on the toll road , and it was a mucPosted by We woke this morning with lots to do today . We are supposed to take the trailer in on Wednesday for the work to be done , and there are a lot of things we need to do first . We ate breakfast in the trailer of some muffins that we had bought at Perkins Restaurant and left to run errands . I had received a message from Ed Weidig , one of our Heartland Owners club friends from Texas . He is in Elkhart for a meeting for work . He is delivering RV 's , which I did about 10 years ago . He wanted to meet us for coffee , and we met at the Goshen fairgrounds , mainly because that was a location that we both knew . We had a nice visit with him over coffee , and exchanged stories of delivering RV 's . Ed attended one of our Houston rallies and said he would try to come in October . Stella and I went to Lambright 's Furniture to look at some recliners . This place is way out in the boonies near Shipshewana . The store is run by Amish people and we got their name from Rick and Brenda who had bought some chairs here last year . They make nice chairs , but we were not impressed with some of the features on them , so I think we 'll keep looking . They 're nice chairs and certainly worth a look , but they didn 't quite fit what we need . We were going to eat at a small restaurant near the flea market in Shipshewana but it was closed today . We ended up at The Blue Gate , a famous Amish restaurant , and had a great meal there . While there , we ran into the Wigleys again . Small world ! Here we are , 1300 miles from home , and have already met with one fellow that we know from Texas and are parked next to another friend who are from Arkansas that we met in Texas . I guess that 's to be expected when you live our lifestyle of traveling all the time . I have been playing phone tag with Jim Fenner , the service manager at Heartland , about a time for getting our trailer in on Wednesday . We drove through some beautiful country on our way back to Elkhart , and just stopped in at Jim 's office . We met with him and he said to bring the trailer in tomorrow instead of Wednesday , so we wPosted by Man , we slept last night ! I didn 't go to bed until after 11 , even though I was tired from five days of driving and of course , the hassle of the break - down yesterday . I didn 't wake this morning until 8 : 30 and Stella didn 't get up until after 9 ! We were both tired out and just stayed inside most of the day . I worked on catching up on my blog and she worked and played on her computer inside . I did go get us checked into the park and went over to visit with the Wigleys about 1 : 30 . I came back home and worked more on the computer and took a short nap in my chair . Hey , I 'm still tired . . . We agreed to go out for supper with JD and CJ . They took us to a place called Perkins restaurant in Elkhart . We all had a good meal and bought some muffins for breakfast in the morning . We returned home to more rain , and went back inside . A relaxed day of rest was certainly called for . I think we earned it ! Here we sit , broke down on the side of the road . The right rear wheel brake caliper malfunctioned , causing brake fluid to spray on the brake rotor and pads and causing a lot of smoke . Here is a closer look at the broken caliper . The caliper is the large on the right side of the hub and had to be replaced . We stood around so long waiting for the mobile repair guy , I took out our lawn chairs and we sat there on the side of the road . If I had some lemonade , I could have opened a stand and made a little money as we waited . : > ) Today is the final day of our journey . We are both getting into this short driving days and slept a little later this morning . We did get up in time to go have breakfast at the park , the first hot breakfast we have had all week . Again , we made good time and stopped at a rest area just before we got to Indianapolis for our break . We got through Indianapolis and at some point , my brakes on the right rear began to smoke . I stopped as soon as I could and found fluid coming out on the inside of the wheel hub . We called Good Sam road service and they sent a mobile repair guy out to work on the truck . The guy came out , but told me that I had to pay him $ 90 per hour from the time he left his house until he got through with the work . Since I was broke down on the side of the road , what choice did I have ? I told him to get to work . He looked at the damaged wheel and determined that the brake caliper was bad and that he would have to go to a parts store about 20 miles away . Again , no choice , so away he went . It took him an hour and fifteen minutes to go to the store to buy the parts he needed . Then he starts to work and finds that he doesn 't have a tool that he needs to take the caliper apart to replace it . He has to go back to the parts store to get this tool , but says he may be able to find someone closer to help him . I questioned him about why I had to pay for him not having the tools to get the job done , but his reply is that if I hadn 't broken down , he wouldn 't have needed the part . Nothing I can do buPosted by I woke this morning , still full from Lambert 's cafe . I did eat a little cereal before we took off , but we 're getting later and later We didn 't leave until after 10 this morning ! We made good time and made it into Indiana before we stopped for a break . I saw another of the FEMA trailers in the rest area . The only signs I saw on this one was the warnings about hooking up water and sewer . Other than a lot of black streaks and some hoses and wires hanging down under the trailer , it seemed to be in pretty good shape . I forgot to tell you about an older man in the service station where we stopped for fuel . We were pulling out , coming from the diesel truck fueling area behind the station . This guy pulled out from the front of the station and never looked right nor left , pulling out right in front of me . Thank goodness my brakes are good and I was able to stop . Then he gets to the highway and without slowing down at all , he just pulls out into the road , right in front of a van , who laid on the horn for him . He 's just driving , not paying attention . We pulled into the Terre Haute KOA about 3 o ' clock . This is a pretty little park where we stayed for two days last year on our trip to Goshen for the rally there . The little donkeys are still there and they added a stray puppy that someone dropped there . They are keeping it for animal control to come out and take it away . I feel sorry for animals that are abandoned like that , but we don 't need another dog right now . It rained some on us today , which just keeps the bugs off the front of the trailer . It made it cooler than it was in Texas , but not too cold to make it uncomfortable . I am liking these travel days more and more . So long . We pulled out of Benton this morning about 9 : 30 . We seem to be getting into the swing of this short trip days , and just took our time getting away . The last time we were here , there were two Heartlands in the park but they are gone now . We were the only one there today but thats okay . They 'll learn that the more Bighorns and Landmarks there are , the more attractive their park is . There were no mishaps today , and we pulled into Sikeston and the Hinton RV Park about 3PM . There is a free shuttle between the park and Lambert 's ( home of the throwed rolls ) . We rested a bit after getting hooked up and went over to the office and they called for the shuttle for us . When we got through with our meal , I was glad the van had a very large sliding door , because as much as I ate , I needed the extra room to get in . I 'm surprised that the van didn 't turn over when we got in ! Lambert 's is well worth going to and there are three cafes , and I 'm sure that all are equally good . When we left in the morning , we decided to buy fuel at a truck stop near the park . They had the lowest prices that we 've seen , so we filled up . We took 70 gallons to go 708 . 9 miles for a 10 . 1 MPG average . So long . Today was a very uneventful day of traveling . We woke pretty early and ate some cereal before leaving . We pulled out about nine o ' clock and soon got back onto Hwy . 59 . There was a little confusion between what the GPS was telling me to do , what Stella was telling me what to do and what I was seeing on the road signs . I am more afraid of Stella than I am of the GPS , so I followed her directions and we found the roads we needed to get back onto the highway . We again made good time on the highway , stopping only at the welcome center into Arkansas for Stella to get another map to add to her collection . We pulled into the I - 30 RV park about 1 : 30PM . I am beginning to like these short travel days . When I planned this trip , I kept each days travel to less than 300 miles , so we don 't have to start real early and still be able to get where we 're going and set up well before dark each day . Many of our full - timer friends use the 2 / 2 or 3 / 3 methods for traveling . They travel 200 miles or 2 o ' clock before stopping or 300 miles or 3 o ' clock . It works for them and I am liking it so far . So long . Today is our first moving day on our trip to Elkhart to have some much - needed work done to the trailer . We woke and got started without much ado , and were able to leave Rayford a few minutes after nine , pretty much a record for us . One thing that helped was that we had said goodbye to everyone yesterday , and we were up and working early , so we made an early exit . We made good time without incident until we decided to stop at a little convenience store / truck stop near Lufkin . When I pulled over to turn into the parking lot , I hit a bump just as we were turning and the trailer brakes immediately locked up ! What the heck ? I went back to look at why the safety pin had come out and found that the safety pin cable had somehow gotten between the trailer hitch and the base plate and when I had turned , the cable was pulled . This is a freak accident that could probably not ever be staged . The cable had to be in just the right location to fall into the tiny crack between the hitch and the base that opened when we went over the bump in the road . At least we were turning into the parking lot and not out on the road . We jacked the trailer up to take the weight off the hitch , and I was able to pull the cable out and reattach the safety . It could only happen to me . . . We finally got into Marshall and found the Marshall RV park . I don 't know how we found this place , but don 't worry , we won 't be back ! It 's not a park that I could ever recommend , but it was a place to pull into for the night and feel relatively safe . The sites are very narrow and there are a lot of people that live here full time . The fellow to our right had his dish antenna sitting in our site , but when we pulled in , the dish faced right into our trailer . He seemed mad when he got home from work and couldn 't get any TV reception , but we were in our site and can 't help where he chose to set his dish . He moved it but never said a word to us , so I guess he realized that he was in the wrong . Also , he knew that we will be leaving tomorrow , so he can put his dish back thenPosted by I woke this morning and had coffee for the last time with the guys . Since we leave , first thing in the morning , I won 't have time to come down here again , so I said my goodbyes here . I returned to the trailer and hung out with Stella . We both have agreed to get a lot done today before we leave tomorrow . In the afternoon , I cleaned out the tanks on the trailer , took the porch and the Dish Network receiver down and took them over to Timber Ridge where we will be staying for the next three months when we return from Elkhart . Gwen told me that the green storage building would be unlocked so I could store my stuff inside there , but when we got there it was locked . The office was closed and I tried to get in touch with Chuy , the cleaning lady for Rayford , who lives here at Timber Ridge , but she wasn 't home . Oh well , I guess I 'll have to bring it over in the morning , which will delay our leaving . We had talked to Ricky and Dee and were meeting them for supper . They told us to come over to their house instead of at a restaurant and I 'm glad they did . When I told Ricky about my storage problem , he offered to let me use his garage , so we unloaded everything and put it into his garage . Its nice to have friends with big garages to store our stuff . . . So long . Today was the last day of the Heartland rally , so I made some coffee in our big pot and a few people came by and drank some with us . A couple of people left pretty early , but they lived nearby and were trying to make it to church . I got to tell them goodbye as they left . Jim Beletti called and asked if Stella and I would rather have breakfast or lunch with him . Since we planned to go down to Texas City to see the boys before we leave , I told him we chose breakfast . He said he would come by and pick us up , so I told Stella and went to talk to as many of my friends as I could before we went to breakfast . We had a very nice breakfast with Jim and talked about some very exciting news that I can 't go into right now , but it 's going to be fun for us . Stay tuned here and when I can , I 'll tell you what it is . We came back to the park and talked more to Jim in our trailer . When he left to catch his airplane back to Chicago , we went to TC to see the kids . We had a very nice time with the boys and of course , Kim and Jeremy too . We ended up going to Ryan 's and had a fine meal there . While there , we saw Louis Gill , an old friend from the City of Dickinson . Louis was on the City Council for a time when I was a Police Officer there . He was a good friend to me and it was good to see him . We returned to the park and found that there were still a few folks left from the rally . Some will be leaving tomorrow and of course , we leave on Tuesday . The adventure continues . . . So long . Saturday morning began with coffee for me , both in the rally hall with some of the Heartlanders as well as the " regulars " that come down and at my trailer . A few folks came by and had some coffee but we didn 't do anything for breakfast . We just hung out with our Heartland friends . Several people looked at the two display units from Ron Hoover RV 's . There was a beautiful gray Big Country fifth wheel and a conventional white Big Country that had been traded in by one of our attendees . This used one was to be used by the salesman to sleep in but his wife was ill so he left the park to go home to care for her . About noon , we all went to the rally hall for the lunch of sandwiches and chips that was furnished by Ron Hoover RV 's . Unfortunately , some of the sub sandwiches were still frozen but people put then into the microwave to warm them and everyone enjoyed their lunch . After lunch , Jim Beletti told us about his news from the factory . He gave a brief history of Heartland and of their present standings . They are a six year old company and are currently at # 3 in fifth wheel sales . Overall , they are showing increases in sales in all lines and recently bought the rights to some of the Fleetwood names , so there will be some new Heartland trailers with old familiar names someday . Jim Gratz showed us some videos of trailer maintenance that he got at a class he took . Some were very good and some were basic knowledge but I think several people stayed to watch them . We all came back to the rally hall at 6 o ' clock for our potluck dinner . As usual , the food was great and there was more than we could eat . Most of us ate more than we should have but it was sooo good . After supper , we had more entertainment from DannyLee and Sue Jean . Jim and I were also joined by Bette McGee , who did very well for herself . It was a great way to end the last night of the rally . So long . Posted by Bob agreed to make his delicious breakfast burritos this morning . Here is a shot of Bob and I bringing some of the ingredients to the rally hall . Here is Bob , hard at work over the hot griddle , making breakfast for many of us . Everyone enjoyed our food and the fellowship was good too . Here are just a few of the folks waiting for breakfast to be made . If you look really close , you 'll see the rectangular plaque on the wall is from our first Heartland rally at Rayford in October 2007 . Wow , has it really been that long ago ? This is rally # 6 for us and we have enjoyed all of them . Here are more waiting to eat . The wait was certainly worth it ! Today was the arrival day for the rest of the people coming to the rally . Bighorns were again well represented with four units ( Jim & Gloria , Jim & Ginger , David & Susan , and Dannylee and Sue Jean ) , and one in a Big Country ( John W . ) Five couples had to drop out and they were missed , but they certainly missed a good time . Ron Hoover RV sent two Big Country units to show at the rally along with Kevin , one of their salesmen . It is ironic that one of the units was new and one was used . The new unit was exactly the same floorplan that John W . has ( only bought a month ago ) and the used unit was his trade - in . Heartland Director of Owner Interests , Jim Beletti arrived around noon . He flew in because he has been in meetings at the factory and didn 't have time to get his rig and come down , but he got to come and that is what counts . After everyone arrived , we visited some in the afternoon and come supper time , we decided to go to Pitmasters Bar B Cue because that is one of Jim 's favorites here in Houston . About 20 of us went there to eat , and they sat us out on the patio . It was very pleasant outside and we all enjoyed our barbecue . We went back to the park and had entertainment from Dannylee and Sue Jean . Dannylee is a Johnny Cash man and does a good imitation of him as well as singing karaoke . He brought his own tapes tonight and had approximately 3500 songs to choose from . Jim Gratz anPosted by Here is a photo ( thanks Bobcat ) of one row of trailers that were attending our rally . The Montana next to mine isn 't a part of the rally but was parked there prior to us arriving . You can also see Stella walking down the street toward Bill and Ornell 's trailer . Here is a group that is sitting around at Bill and Ornell 's trailer . This is just one of the trailers where people hung out . Several people arrived today including one Big Country ( Jaime and his family ) , five Bighorns ( Bob & Ann , Tom & Marti , Ken and Denise , Charlie & Peggy and Gary & Michelle ) , two Landmarks ( Tom & Judy and Terry and Carol ) and one Trail Runner ( Jason & Tammi ) . We are getting a good group together ! We watched the arrivals all day and then in the evening , we decided to go out to eat . One group went to CrabbyDaddy 's for seafood and a smaller group went to Hooter 's . Guess which group we went with ? Yep , gotta love those hot wings . . . We all came back and hung around in the park until retiring for the night around 10 o ' clock , and yes , I stayed up that late ! So long . Today was the first big arrival day for the Heartland rally , with four couples getting here . Two Bighorns ( Buddy and Maureen & Jim and Bette ) , one Landmark ( Tom & Judy ) and one Cyclone ( Pat and Lori ) are here today with many more to come tomorrow and Friday . We just hung around the park all day , watching everyone coming in and getting set up . We were a little more spread out than we expected to be , but there had been another rally scheduled for Monday thru Thursday , so they had to juggle everyone around . Then today , some people dropped out of our rally , which further fouled up the planning and placing of folks . I think all - in - all , Melissa did a fine job of keeping us together . A large group of us went to the Casa Imperial for mexican food for supper . As usual , the food was very good and we all had a nice time . We came back home and sat outside for awhile chatting and visiting with old and new friends . The party has started ! So long . Today was another nice spring day here . It is a little chilly in the morning , so I have to wear long pants or sweats when I go have coffee with the guys . It warms up nicely , and so far , no rain . We were invited to go to lunch with the Winter Texans today but had made plans for Ted and Donna to come by . We called them and they wanted to go too , so off we went . We had the entire back room to ourselves and had a grand old time . We spent over an hour and a half in the restaurant , just visiting with our friends and exchanging travel plans and itineraries . It was a very pleasant afternoon . When we got finished , we walked down the block to an Amish furniture store . It was more of a " any little knick - knack that looks Amish " store than anything , but there were some pieces of furniture that we looked at . Of course with us living in an RV , there is no room for the heavy wood furniture built by the Amish , but the craftsmanship is about as good as it gets . We drove back over to the park and sat outside until about 9 o ' clock . Of course , I took a break when NCIS came on , and was surprised to see that Donna hadn 't gone home to watch Dancing With the Stars , but they had stayed and we had a fine visit . So long . I woke this morning and went down to have coffee with the guys in the rally hall . We have some lively discussions at times but try to avoid some things like politics and religion . Gwen has agreed to buy us a topological map that shows roads and highways so that we can actually see where we are going when we leave here . I am looking forward to seeing it . I had to take some of my " stuff " down to Kim 's house to store it while we are gone . We have decided that this will be a light load trip . We intend to leave as much as we can here if it won 't be used , including the porch and television dish . We won 't be at one location long enough to use these items , so rather than lug them along , we decided to leave them . Bill was going to ride down with me , but he got a call that a friend of his in his union hall had died and he had to go to the hall to pay his respects . I made a pretty quick trip down but stopped by the house to see what progress had been made . A hispanic man was there to make an estimate on some of the work , but I didn 't talk to him too much due to the language barrier . It didn 't appear that anything has been done yet but I 'm sure it won 't be long . I came on back home and found out that TxBobcat , one of my Heartland RV friends had arrived . I hung out with Bill and Stella and went to bed . So long . I 'm sorry for being so far behind but here 's my first catch - up entry . Friday , Stella and I went to the grocery store to buy supplies for the upcoming week and to make her goulash soup for tonight . Bill and Ornell are coming early for the rally , so we will have supper made for them when they arrive . When they got here , it had been raining on them just about all the way and it was chilly , so we ate outside and all went in for the night . A very short and uneventful night , but we are glad our friends are here . Saturday morning , we went to eat breakfast with the remaining Winter Texans that are still at the park . We wanted to go to Big E McGee 's restaurant in Old Town Spring , but they don 't serve breakfast until May 8th , so we went to The Egg and I . It was a very enjoyable meal with many of our friends . Bill and Ornell went with us , and after we ate , we decided to go look at some Dodge trucks at Spring Dodge Bill has been looking at the new Dodge Ram trucks for a while and Ornell has been surprised that he hasn 't bought one yet . Of course , I looked too but didn 't see anything I liked enough to inquire further . We came back home and just hung out in the park for the rest of the day . It 's still a little cool in the evening so we didn 't stay out very late . We got up Sunday morning and drank our coffee outside . It is so nice to sit outside in the morning with friends and so many friendly people coming by . It makes for a very pleasant morning . Stella made us some pigs in a blanket for our breakfast . We hung around the park all morning and didn 't do too much . Sadly , Ornell had to leave to get back for work tomorrow . We were sorry she had to leave , but we promised to keep Bill out of trouble and away from the Dodge dealer . Bill , Stella and I went to Red Robin for supper . We were all hungry for a burger and this place is close and very good , so we drove down there . We came back home and sat outside for a little while but the cool weather sent us back inside soon . So long . Posted by I went down to have coffee this morning and somehow didn 't make any mention of selling the house . Maybe it was a premonition or maybe I just didn 't think about it ( NOT ! ! ) . Anyway , I didn 't say anything about it , and took the clothes down to the washateria for Stella when one of the ladies at the title company called and told me that I had not signed one of the forms . I thought that I had , and Stella thought the same thing , but as soon as she got through with the wash , we drove back over and sure enough , I had forgotten one little signature . It would have held things up but it shouldn 't now . So I guess a WooHoo is in order here . The house is sold and the check is in the mail . Well , not in the mail exactly , since everything is done electronically now , I guess you 'd say the check is in the electronic mail . Stella will keep her eagle eyes on the bank account to see when it shows up . We decided to go out to eat again today and saw a billboard for the Blue Water Seafood Restaurant on FM 1960 . Wow , what a traffic jam on 1960 ! I hated driving in the traffic , but the food at the restaurant was really good , so it was all worthwhile . Luckily for Stella , I was able to stifle the WooHoos while we ate , but I sure felt like it ! I think the other patrons in the restaurant would have understood if I had let loose with a little Woo Hoo , or maybe just a woohoo ? We came on back home and relaxed for the rest of the evening . I walked around the park some and chatted with some of my friends here . I really love this park , not only because we know so many folks here , but because everyone here is so friendly . It wouldn 't take someone very long to meet new friends here , and of course when the Winter Texans are here , there are a lot of activities , so you shouldn 't get bored . The weather has been great , with cool nights and mild days , so hopefully the rally should have good weather . Crossing my fingers , toes and eyes for that to happen . So long . Today is the big day , closing day on the house ! We began the day in our normal fashion , me going to have coffee and Stella and Cassie sleeping in . The last of the winter Texans will be leaving next week and I am not sure if we will still have coffee , but my Heartland rally people will be coming in , so we will have coffee here at my place if not in the rally hall . We did the " Rayford shuffle " this morning . I knew that we would have to move when we got here , and today is the day . I ate a quick breakfast when I returned and we got busy . It only took about 45 minutes to get everything ready . I took the outside things over in the truck and by the time I had everything done outside , she had the inside ready to close up and be moved . We didn 't bother to put a lot of things away , since we were only moving a block away , so it went very quickly . I got Warren to help me load up the porch into his truck , so we were done in less than an hour and a half . We both cleaned up and went to the title company office to sign away our house . It closed without any problem , since we are the only owner of the house . We bought it almost exactly 26 years ago , and while we are sad to leave our home , it opens a new chapter in our life . Living in our RV full time has been everything we had thought it would be , and we are looking forward to many more years of traveling and seeing the country . I probably embarrassed Stella by yelling WooHoo on the sidewalk in front of the title company , but man , was I happy ! We drove over to Timber Ridge Village , where we will be living for the next three months as soon as we return from Elkhart . The park looks okay , but it 's not Rayford . We don 't know which site we will be in , but someone else has moved into the site where Rick and Brenda had been in . We know the couple and they are building a new home nearby , so perhaps they will move sooner than we think . We 'll work it out to find a nice spot to stay in . We stopped off to eat at Mel 's Country Cafe for our lunch / supper ( lupper ? ) . We have eaten here many times in tPosted by Monday , we stayed around here in the morning . Of course , I went down for the morning coffee meeting , but came home and went for my walk around the park . We left here about 11 : 00 to go to Dickinson for a last look around the house . We had other errands to run while we were in Dickinson , so we got them all done . We went to the Post Office to change our address to our new one in Bellville . We got that done and stopped by City Hall to try to get the trash cans picked up , but after more run around , we learned that we needed to be on the other side of the building to go to the Water Co . to stop the water service and to get the trash cans removed . Now keep in mind that the City of Dickinson and the Water Co . have been together since I worked there , and they just built and completed a brand - new building , but there is no way to go from one to the other without leaving the building and going into a different entrance . And I always thought customer service meant something . . . We made our last look - round at the house and picked up a few more items to go to storage and back home . We left an awful lot of " stuff " in the house but we are both tired of looking at it and through it but it will be someone else 's problem soon . We went over to Kim 's house and we all went out for supper before we returned home . It ended up a busy but productive day . Tuesday , Ted and Donna came over and we went to a new place in Old Town Spring called E McGee . It is a boarding house style restaurant and the food was very good . We came back here to the park and sat outside chatting until time for our respective television shows . The end of another good day . So long . It 's good to be back at Rayford and many of our friends . We found out that other of our friends here left yesterday but we missed them . At least the guys are still having coffee in the rally hall in the morning . It was like old home for me ! I got a call from our buyer that the closing will occur on Wednesday at 1 o ' clock . We will get a call from the title company for confirmation and directions to their office in the Woodlands . Yippee ! ! We went get Stella 's hair cut and to the grocery store on Friday morning and came back here and hung out at the park . Stella made some brownies for bingo tonight while I took care of computer matters in my chair . Thats a polite way of saying that I took a nap . We ate some Reuben sandwiches for our supper and went down and played bingo but of course , I didn 't win . Everyone knows those games are rigged ! Just kidding . . . We had a good time and visited with several people after bingo and came back home . Saturday morning I went to have coffee and after , we had one of the Saturday morning breakfasts that Gwen and Billy fix . As always , the food was good and we met another couple from Canada who sat at the table with us . We had some nice conversations while we ate . We went to Sam 's and to Wal Mart and came back home . There was a potluck dinner Saturday night that was fun . Even though most of the winter Texans are gone , there was a good turnout for the dinner . The park is full and there are a lot of children here . Sunday morning we stayed in and didn 't plan on doing anything . We were sitting around when someone came to the door and guess who it was ? Our friends Harry and Judy . Harry just had some medical problems and they were in the neighborhood and dropped by to see us . They are leaving soon for Idaho where they have accepted a work camping job at a park there . It was good to see them again . Less than 30 minutes after Harry and Judy left , someone else came to the door . Our Boomer friends , Bernest and Pauleen came by to see us . We haven 't seen them since my retirement party with the Boomers in Posted by Stella and I began our moving day by sitting out in the early morning cool , drinking our coffee and watching the birds and squirrels eat and play around the bird feeder . It is so peaceful here at the state park , especially in the spring when the trees start to fill out . Only a few people are out this morning and everyone is so friendly . Stella made some new friends last night . Two trucks came into the park towing Casita trailers and parked across the street from us . These are the cute little oval trailers that look like an oversize capsule . Stella took Cassie out around 1o for her last trip outside when she saw a copperhead snake on the pavement near the front of our trailer . She didn 't have anything but her flashlight and doggie pooper scooper in her hand , so she beat the snake to death with the plastic scooper . One of the men across the street saw it and called Stella his hero . Heck , she 's my hero too because I 'd have probably screamed like a girl and run to get her if I had been out there with the poisonous snake ! I guess I better get her one of those portable bear lights for use when we are in snakey areas . We got loaded up without any problem , but my new platform to hold the porch gave me a fit until I figured out how to stack everything . I had to put it in three times before everything fit just right and it rode just fine . We didn 't get away until about 12 : 45 , but we only have 60 miles or so to drive , so we weren 't worried . We have been moved into site # 87 temporarily until our permanent site opens up next week . We are so glad to be back here , with several of our friends still here in the park . I learned that the guys are still meeting in the morning for coffee , so I have to get up early and go down to the rally hall in the morning . I was pretty tired from knocking everything down and putting it back together today , so I took a shower and turned in early . I forgot that it will likely be dark when I walk down to the rally hall and I didn 't have time to get that bear light . I hope a big ol ' diamond backed , copperPosted by This was our site at Stephen F . Austin this month . We were parked near the firewood and ice machine for convenience sake and it turned out to be a very nice site . The only problem turned out to be the surrounding trees , because when they began to bud out in the spring , it made my Dish reception go away . This is the street side of the trailer with all my signs . It was an enjoyable experience to have done the park hosting here and I 'm sure that we 'll do it again . Here is one of my buddies , the squirrel . He is in the tree above my chair , barking at me to move . I guess I was sitting too close to the feeder and it made it difficult for him to dominate the birds at the feeder . He finally made it to the feeder and is starting to eat . You cannot imagine how much these wild animals can eat ! I had to fill the feeder at least once a day , and sometimes twice a day . The birds could not get on the feeder with the squirrel , but they had plenty to eat off the ground . The squirrel as well as other birds were very messy and what didn 't get into their mouth went on the ground for the smaller and younger birds to eat . Today , being our last full day in the park , I got some things put away in preparation for leaving tomorrow . It was our day off anyway , so it was kind of pointless to have stayed but we hadn 't planned to leave until the first . I ran into Larry and asked him to pick up my Park Host sign , since I couldn 't carry it in my golf cart . He soon came by and picked it up and took it back to the shop . In the afternoon I took the cart and my other gear that I had been issued , so my time here is officially over . Our good friends , A . D . and Dee came by and we decided to go out to eat at Orlando 's Pizza in Brookshire tonite . We had a very nice meal and they came over later and we had a nice chat over a campfire . It was a very nice way to end our stay here . So long . Posted by

I am student teaching this year and was thrilled when I saw my school had Wednesday , Thursday and Friday off this year . Five glorious days of no lesson plans . Looking back now I think that teaching might have been okay . My Thanksgiving Break has been blur of excitement , chaos , and a bit of disaster thrown in to keep us on our toes , maybe off of them now that I think of it . I got home from school on Tuesday full of anticipation . My mom had volunteered my house for Thanksgiving this year . True I have a dining room now , but my house is a bit on the small side . It was just my family , my brother 's family and my Grandma so I thought it was manageable . Well , then I found out that my Aunt and Uncle were going to be her . Okay , two more people , I think I can still manage , they volunteered to bring Apple Pie and Sweet Potatoes . Less work for me ! Then when my brother was over baking pies for Thanksgiving my cousin from Chicago called to say he and his wife would be in the area . Could they stop by ? Of course I said yes , I haven 't seen them in years . Oh , I need to back up a bit , back to Tuesday . Two hours after I got home from teaching I started to get sick . Not just a little cold , I had aches , a head ache , sore throat , sneezing and coughing . Of course I would wait until I was off of school to get sick . I managed to be social when my brother was over baking , but then I crawled into a box and hid from the world . When the kids went to bed that night I too went to bed hoping that I would be better for Thanksgiving . Thanksgiving Day is the day we eat with my husbands family . I was miserable . I decided not to go to dinner , not wanting to get anyone else sick . My husband offered to bring me a plate of leftovers and I crawled back into bed . When I woke up , they had just come back , but they forgot the leftovers . So no turkey for me on Thanksgiving . Friday I woke up feeling much better . This was the day the family descended on my house for our Thanksgiving dinner . It has been a long tradition to have a Friday Thanksgiving to help families Posted by According to him I have started every argument we have had and I am the one at fault or all our problems . When I speak back to him what he says to me he says I am putting words into his mouth . I admit I rephrase it . When he says I start every argument , to me that says he doesn 't start any of them . Obviously he thinks he is not at fault for any of our problems . I know I am not perfect . I definitely have started many of our fights , but absolutely not all of them . I try to point out to him that logically I can 't start all the fights . He just can 't see it . I get so frustrated and feel defeated . He hardly ever apologizes for being a jerk , because in his mind he has done nothing wrong . When I do get the rare apology , he will point out that he did say he is sorry and that I still am upset so why should he apologize if I still am upset . My patience has been worn down to almost nothing and with each passing week , month and year I feel like am closer to snapping . I never know when he is going to be irrational . If you believe him , he never raises his voice or yells . He never starts an argument and he never makes a mess . He thinks it is okay to hang up on me when he doesn 't want to hear what I am saying when we are on the phone . Sometimes he doesn 't even have the phone up to his ear when we are talking because he doesn 't want to listen to me . He has even told me that if he thinks I am saying something that doesn 't interest him that he just tunes me out . Then when I ask him if he heard me he gets upset . He also gives me no indication to let me know if he heard me . There is no eye contact and not even a nod of acknowledgment . When I ask him to reply or ask if he heard me ( remember he says he tunes me out ) he raises his voice ( because he NEVER yells ) . I can look right at him and see that his mouth doesn 't move , there is no sound and his head doesn 't move . He then will swear he answered me out loud or nodded his head to answer . I guess I just wanted to vent tonight . We had an argument earlier and he again told me that I am alwaysPosted by Last night we had a fight and my husband stayed out all night . He thought I had kicked him out . In truth I did ask him to leave , but it was so we could cool down . I discovered he was gone all night when my daughter woke up from a bad dream . But do I really care anymore ? I decided to have a talk with him today . He is more often than not , grumpy , moody , and withdrawn from all of us . He will focus on hockey , but not what is happening around him . When he does interact with us , it mostly is because he is mad . He will yell or raise his voice with out any warning sometimes . He swears and calls me horrible names . Names that if his sister 's fiance called her he would be furious . So I discussed it with him and it really boiled down to he is worried about money . To the point that he is almost obsessing over it . Because I am not as worried as he is he sees that as a weakness . so we talked and we argued a little , but it was productive I thought . Well , that was until I went to the store . I went to one of the stores that makes you put a quarter in the shopping cart to use it . And all the change in the car had vanished . So I started going through the car and I found a condom . Yes a condom . We don 't use them so I can think of no reason for one to be in my car that is legitimate . I am not stupid I know what it is there for . I have caught him writing love letters to another woman , I caught him using Craigslist to try to find someone else to have sex with and now I find a condom in our car . Why do I keep giving him chances ? When I got home I sent the kids upstairs to watch TV and closed the door . I asked my husband if there was anything in the car he didn 't want me to find . No nothing he says . So I show him the condom . He said that he bought it because he thought I kicked him out of the house . Really , that was not even a full day ago . I told him that there are no more chances . He needs to focus on the family and his behavior . He has to stop spitting , throwing things , swearing in front of the kids , calling me names , and stop the sexcapaPosted by I never know what will set him off . Sometimes it is so random that I am amazed how such a trivial thing can escalate into a huge battle . Tonight was one of those times . This was my last week at my first student teaching placement and I neglected the house somewhat . It is nowhere near as bad as it once was but it is cluttered . So this evening I spent some time cleaning , starting with our room . I do a lot of lesson prep up there and many things get scattered around . Someday I will get that desk chair so I can utilize my desk . I straightened up the room , he did some laundry . Everything was going smoothly until I sat down to watch Hell 's Kitchen . It probably started when I told him there was only one episode on our DVR list and I didn 't know if that was the one he saw . Why this made him raise his voice to me I don 't know ? He explains to me rather loudly that he watched an episode without me and what was the last episode I saw . We get louder as I try to say I don 't recall what happened and why can 't we just look at the episode we have recorded instead of arguing . I am using my teacher voice because I am trying not to escalate this any further . He goes upstairs to get our daughter to go to sleep . Finally he comes down and this is the episode he saw , so I have to watch it to catch up . No worries . I start to watch it and he starts to clean in the living room . I see he is about to throw away items from the kids school folders that they brought home today . Things I separated out to review this weekend . SO I ask him not to throw away a flyer . It is for the kids Halloween party at school and the kids really want to go . Tickets are just $ 2 . 00 each for the kids . We can do that I thought so I set the form aside to fill in and send in with money on Monday . Okay true I didn 't discuss it with him , but he will be going to work at the same time the event is and it is not a lot of money . Plus I have the car at night so there should be no problem . I was wrong ! He gets mad that I want to save the flyer . I am going to fill our house with uPosted by Today is a great day and a sad day . I have been student teaching in a kindergarten class for seven weeks . I started the year with these children and have gotten attached to them . I have helped them learn to read and write . We made butter , planted seeds and learned all about apples and farms . But today was my las day with them . My placement had to end , I knew it was coming but it seemed so far away . I was greeted with hugs this morning and was showered in drawings and handwritten cards . We all kept our coats on and we waited for the bus . Yes , the bus , because today was our fall field trip . We were going to the farm . The bus ride was a half hour long and was filled with the sound of children 's chatter . Excitement was in the air . Faces looked out the windows and there were questions about what was waiting for them at the farm . Finally the farm appeared on the left and cheers were heard . Somehow order was established and we all got off the bus . We saw the ponies , a rabbit in a barn and a lot of pumpkins . We first saw an angora rabbit . We surrounded an angora rabbit that was sitting so still , you almost wondered if it was real . The tour guide showed us how the wool angora could be gently plucked from Cotton Candy . The rabbit just sat there and didn 't flinch when all the thrilled children got to touch her . When we moved on the rabbit finally moved , she turned around to face the class . Maybe she has had experience with young children before and wanted to keep an eye on them . The tour continued and we saw a miniature donkey , miniature horses , turkeys , fancy chickens , ducks and pigs . Then we saw a three week old calf prancing around . She wanted her bottle and then decided to play . In the next room of the barn we saw sheep and goats . One of the goats was ready to be milked . She was so patient while all the children lined up to milk her . They were unsure , but as soon as they squeezed her teats their faces lit up . Earlier this week we made butter from cream and learned about how cows were milked on a dairy farm . Today they made Posted by The party was fantastic , the children had a blast and really got into the " Dirty " part of Dirty Jobs . We made butter and goop . They dug in slime and planted grass in the dirt . It was messy but fun . The disaster was getting ready for the party and cleaning up . I cleaned the living room last night . I went to bed thinking it would be not to difficult getting the rest of the house ready . I should have known better . I woke up to yelling and screaming . Father and son were at it again . The door to upstairs opens up and both start yelling at me about what is going on . Seriously , why am I the one who has to sort everything out . Sadly once again I see that my husband is being unreasonable and my son is struggling because of it . Then I look and the living room I had all clean last night is a disaster . My husband just shrugs when I ask what happened and disappears into the kitchen . He announces that he is cleaning the kitchen , I guess I get the rest of the house . So I start cleaning . I have heard that some husbands will assist their wives lifting heavy things or doing things that might take an extra set of hands . To me that is a fable or possibly a myth . If I ask for help I am called inept and chastised for it . Well , I need help so I brace myself for the slew of insults to follow . As I am being screamed at for all my faults I realize that he is hand washing individual dished , drying each one ever so carefully opening the cupboard , putting it away in the cupboard and then closes it . He repeats this process for every dish . Did I mention the dishwasher was empty and right next to him . Apparently he felt we didn 't have time to fill the dishwasher . So of course I mention this to him and the fireworks begin . The result is him running out of the house two hours before a birthday party . The kitchen , dining room and living room all need to be straightened up plus vacuuming . But because I mentioned that there was a faster way to get the kitchen ready he had a hissy fit and ran away . Just like he does whenever we have something to do thatPosted by Here I am in a new house , almost done getting my degree and still daydream about getting out of this marriage . I am so close to being able to get a job that I want to stick it out . But everyday it gets harder to do that . Do I walk out with the kids and my stuff with nowhere to go ? This week I got my student loan check . I had already decided to buy clothes for teaching , a new laptop , and basic teaching supplies . The check was made out to me and I reluctantly deposited into our account . Not because I was worried he would take it and spend it . No , because I was going to spend it and he was going to get upset with me . I was right to worry . I did buy a few outfits before the check cleared , but We had the money in the account to cover it and I knew the check would clear quickly . There was only one skirt left in my size and I knew if I waited the extra two days it would be gone . Of course he went ballistic on my and screamed about how I was too impatient and was dumb for buying it . Then he started accusing me of overdrawing the checking account because he just knew I would do it and then he would laugh . We had a funeral to go to on Sunday . On the way there he again yelled at me for spending money that I hadn 't even spent yet . Plus it is my money . He knew I was going to buy things for teaching and that I would be using the money . Then of course he starts suggesting things I should spend the money on . When I mention I want to replace some of the kids toys that got lost during our move he got upset again . But he still pushed for the Abraham Lincoln costume for him to wear at his sister 's wedding for a two minute gag . The kids have been asking for new toys for months now and he won 't let me use his paycheck to buy them toys . So I said I would spend some of my money on them . This was settled months ago . The kids have been so patient and when the check came in and cleared I was ready to take them to the store . Wait stop , my husband wanted coffee and donuts from Tim Hortons so he needed to get them . He had a hissy fit when I said I was taking the kids shopping . When we got back he was more upset . Again he accused me of overdrawing the checking account when we were no where close . To be clear our account has been overdrawn , and I am always yelled at for causing it . Usually because I bought something tell him how much I spent and he forgets . Or he might buy something but if I bought anything even if it was his purchase that overdrew us it was my fault because if I didn 't buy what I did the money would have been there . It could be anything , food , books , medicine . It doesn 't matter . It I spend money and the bank is over drawn , even if his spending caused the overdraft , it is in his mind always my fault . When I don 't spend money and it happens the bank confuses him by rearranging the transactions . There is always someone else to blame . I am not saying that I have never made a mistake , I just don 't always make them . So now he wants me to buy Christmas gifts , actually that is a great idea and I do . Through Amazon . com and am having them shipped to a different house so the kids don 't find them . I am actually almost done Christmas shopping . Today he flips out because I used the card to make the purchases and what did I buy , it is probably something stupid and I am so careless and am going to make the account bounce . He is screaming at me because Amazon splits the payment up by shipments . So if I place one order but there are five shipments from that order that is five transactions . Again this is somehow my fault . The place I bought the computer from does the same thing . He yells at me because I didn 't go to the store and pay cash . I didn 't go to the store because I didn 't want to go to the mall where I might spend more money . Plus I don ; t want to carry that much cash around . He is a cash only person and the bank confuses him when they post purchases . I start with a number and subtract what we use from that number . I don 't check the bank 5 times a day because I know things move around and don 't want to get confused . My way is wrong and his is the only way in his mind . When an error occurs it is ALWAYS my fault in his eyes . He is actually mad at me tonight because I am spending my money on exactly what I said I was going to spend it on . I am , he says , being careless because I don ; t know how much money is in the bank . I do know how much we started with and how much we used , nut that doesn 't matter because I don ; t know the amount the bank says we have right now . Therefore I am going to overdraw the account . He is calling me names like dumb and stupid in front of the kids , he won 't watch what he says around them and he is mean . I am tired of being with someone who sucks all the life and fun out of me . We have mentioned separating but only in arguments . Though I know it is coming to that . He says he won 't fight me for custody , but I have a feeling his mother will push him to try to keep them from me . Maybe instead of buying a few more outfits I will see a lawyer . I hate that it is coming to this . With all the stress of student teaching on top of going to school ( yes I still have papers to turn in every week ) and writing lesson plans this is the last thing I need right now . Yesterday I had to go home from school because I was sick . I slept all day and feel 100 % better . Of course he thinks I am lazy because I slept all day . I keep the house clean as best I can , but it is never good enough . I cook when I can , but it isn 't what he wants . I wanted pizza for dinner tonight , I asked him if he could pick up the pizza or if I should have it delivered . He thought about and said he would pick it up . He had taken the kids to Bounce Magic . I stayed home and worked on some lesson plans and chores . He drops the kids off , picks up the pizza and comes home swearing because I was selfish . I made him take the kids to Bounce Magic because it was a rainy day and I told the kids in the summer we could only go to bounce magic on rainy days when we had the money . So it was rainy and before I come home from teaching the kids ask him if they can go . I have things to do so I can 't go . Somehow I " Shmoed " him into taking the kids when I knew he had to go to work tonight and should have taken them . All I said was it was up to him because I couldn 't go . Then when he decides to go the kids hid on him and he wasted time getting them out of there . Add to that the pizza I made him pick up for me and he was mad and screaming at me . Of course he was late getting ready for work and didn 't have a lunch ( I got a pizza thinking he would take some to work , but he didn 't want it so he would go hungry ) . Remember I discussed all of this with him either before he left of called him to see what he wanted to do . Things started out because he said it was okay but then when he was running late it was my fault because I should have taken the kids to Bounce Magic and I was lying about prep work for school tomorrow . I have tried to reconnect with him . I asked him to do one thing for me , woo me . Make me feel that he loves me . Show me some romance . But because I asked him to do that I am being unreasonable and forcing him to jump through hoops . So now I think he won ; t do it at all because I asked him to do it . I don 't know why I am having such a hard time walking away . Maybe because I feel I failed . I don ; t want to separate the children from their father , but I can 't stand the way he talks to them . I know the best thing is to separate from him and get a divorce . I just don 't know how to get from here to there . The day started early . I woke up to THUMP , THUMP , THUMP . I sleepily looked at the clock and knew it was my son . Most days this summer he has been sleeping in . Since I don 't do mornings well I have been a happy mommy because of that . However , there are mornings here and there that he is up earlier than I would like . So I get out of bed and go down stairs . THUMP , THUMP , THUMP . It gets louder as I go down through B 's room and down the stairs . When I open the door I see P playing soccer in the living room . So I take a deep breath and prepare myself for the day . I know it is going to be " One Of Those Days " . On his good days he will wake me up in the morning and will follow the rules better . Not that we have a no playing soccer in the living room , but we have similar ones . At least he is in the house I think to myself . There have been times I have woken up to a pajama clad boy playing in the yard . It wasn 't so bad until he started to get hurt over and over again . Oh I felt bad for him , but I have to admit that I was getting aggravated . Not because he was getting hurt . But when he gets hurt he screams like he broke a bone , or has a major ambulance calling injury . I have been saying for a while now that one of these days he is going to get really hurt and I won 't know it because he reacts to a paper cut , stubbed toe , bleeding cut or whatever the same way . So this morning he must have hurt himself a dozen times . I kept checking on him and soothing him , but I have to admit after about six injuries in an hour I was reacting a little slower and started to assume he wasn 't really getting hurt that badly . Now the morning stretched on and my daughter was awake . We were getting ready to go to the Mushroom Pool with some friends . We can 't find his bathing suit and I am aggravated . I don 't know how it happened , I was in a different room . All of a sudden I hear him scream again . " OW , OW , OW ! ! ! ! " I was mad now , I assumed he wasn 't really hurt , like the " Boy Who Cried Wolf " and I yelled . Then I find out he ran into the edge of a door and has a bump on his head . Now I felt like the worse mommy ever . I assumed he wasn 't really hurt , I yelled at him and I made him wait for my attention . I am going to have to attend to his injuries like they are bad ones . Luckily today it wasn 't too serious . His eyes were normal , he wasn 't nauseous and didn 't throw up after the bump . But he does have a goose egg on his head . I know it is the Asperger 's that causes him to over react to small injuries . But I am the Mommy and I need to be there for him large or small injuries . The rest of the day was not much better for him , he still kept getting hurt . And of course I ran to him every time now . He didn 't like the mushroom pool ( look at his face in the photo , he is not a happy boy . ) Things he wanted to do couldn 't be done . Places he wanted to go to were stayed away from . He didn 't like any of the snack choices we had . The usual " There is nothing to play with and nothing to do ! " As we watched Molly the Barn Owl ( Link to her web cam in the title ) at bedtime , which is our new routine , he hugged me and announce that today was the worse day of his life . He keeps swearing and spitting and is starting to throw things again . The names he calls me in front of the kids are horrible . This move however is the last straw . His mother is taking over and he is just letting it happen . Yes , my house was a mess , I don 't deny that . It took a long time to get that way , Guess what it is going to take some time to clean it . I stayed in one room and he stayed in another for over a year . Things piled up , but it wasn 't all me . He also contributed to the mess . He also let it build up . He also hid it from the world . Why am I the only one that is getting flack for it ? We were supposed to be out on June 30th . Funny with classes , finals , summer school , not having any help except a couple hours from my brother we couldn 't get everything out . I asked for an extra week , I knew it wouldn 't be enough time , but I thought it would help . It might have if I wasn 't the only one who was trying to get things moved out of that house . D is happy being in a house with no books for the kids to read . He is mad that I brought over the few books that I did . Yes , I had a lot of books , way over a few hundred . We , the kids and I , D stopped reading to the kids years ago . They are too old for that he says . He actually is annoyed when the kids want him to read to them . Anyway we read them all , many more than once . There is no such thing as too many books to me . To him apparently there is , and we have too many . He is happy with hardly any toys for the kids to play with . I have tried to get the toys boxes moved over to this house . He won 't do it . Our car trunk won 't open ( he broke the opener latch and the key won 't work ) so I really can 't move them on my own . He won 't ask for help because the house is too messy . So we really have just the basics here . How basic ? When I bought a pitcher for $ 1 . 00 because we had nothing here to make Kool - Aid in he got mad at me because it was an unnecessary purchase . Oh yeah , I am not allowed to carry cash . Well , he won 't give me any , I will go to the bank if I need it . Then I have to explain why I needed money . I use the bank card , which he cannot keep track of , and he berates me for using it . When I actually had " my own " money he still got mad at me for buying things because he thought the purchase was stupid . If I wanted jewelry , I had to buy it and then I have to explain why I wanted it . He knows about these blogs I write and he hates them . Not because he thinks they are inaccurate . No , he is worried the wrong person will read them and he might lose his job . Well , if what I am writing , which is actually what he does , might cause him to lose his job , maybe he should stop doing them . So we have been in this house for a month and his mother , our landlord inspects the house , fine I get it , I will do a better job , I won 't let things pile up like I did before . I won 't slip into a deep deppression where I don 't even want to move for months . I have better meds now so I can stay on top of things better . But I am not going to be Suzy Homemaker . I am not going to be perfect . I am not going to be my MIL ! So when you ( my MIL ) comes over to inspect the house , if there are two pop bottles in the basement don 't tell me I am letting the house turn into a disaster . The last house yes it is / was a disaster . Two pop bottles is not even close . Oh and I don 't care if you are my MIL or my landlord . I am pretty sure the law still applies to you . I don 't know a lot about law , but I do know a landlord cannot just throw away a tenants belongings without notice . I think it has to be in writing and I pretty sure that , " Well , you don 't have a lot of time " is not acceptable notice . I also am pretty sure if you tell a tenant verbally that " you don 't have a lot of time " to get their personal / loved / treasured items out of the house one hour is not going to be an acceptable length of time . Fine you don 't want to give us more time , I get it you are mad . But really one hour , if you had said I had one hour to get treasures out of the house I would have scrambled to get it done . Then the doll that was made for my mother when she was a child , the one with a wig made out of my mother 's hair would be in my house instead of the dump . Then I wouldn 't have to garbage pick my wedding ring and engagement ring off the curb . Then my crystal vase would not have been carelessly tossed in a garbage bag with my wedding bouquet . LOL , why am I so concerned with things from my wedding , maybe I should have let them go . Oddly , D made sure his treasures were here . His hockey cards he found and brought over . Nothing of mine . If I try to get anything , he calls me a hoarder . And that is the nicest thing he calls me . This morning I spotted in the clear garbage bags outside the old house , photographs of my children , heirlooms and other items important to me . I could have torn open the bags and just took out the things I saw , but I grabbed the whole bag to sort through . I only managed to get maybe 10 bags out of the horribly large pile of bags left for trash . He was livid when he saw the bags . He only saw the garbage . How dare I bring the bags into this house . It took me an hour of sorting , I only saved a few items from the bags . Most of it went back into the garbage . I know it seems like I could have gone to the old house before this explosion occurred but I found it hard to do so . If I left him in charge of the kids for a long time , he would watch tv and not hear anything they did . They would do something to set him off and then who knows what he would do . He threatens them a lot , When I am there I can diffuse it , I try to always be there as a buffer . If I let him go to the old house alone , not a lot would be done , his items would be saved and anything else has no value to him so out it goes . So it is really no different either he tosses my life or his mother does . I let it go one week too long and she is angry and so What I interpret " Not much time " to mean and what she really means is a huge difference . Here is the kicker . D comes home from work early in the morning , we are all asleep when he gets home . He drives by the old house . I asked him to stop in to get a few things if they were still here . I thick I asked for two paintings , a wall shelf , my books ( maybe 30 ) from the bedroom , a hanging pot rack and if he happened to see something that might be important to me . I also suggested again that we bring P 's desk , the toy boxes and a few toys for the kids . The kids have been asking for them . D got upset and again called me a hoarder . I want to much from the old house . The kids have too much already . ( they each have very few toys here ) My MIL attacks me because of the pop bottles , he attacks me because I want some books and toys for my children . I have been planning on getting out after I get my degree , now I don 't know . I might need to leave earlier . I wanted to be able to support my children . Do I dare leave when I am about to start student teach ? There is some good news . Our cat Simba came back . He has been MIA for a week . My MIL doesn 't like the cat and I can 't help but wonder if she had something to do with him being gone . Well , my rambling is done , I feel better . Today is almost over and somehow I will get past all of this . I did manage to get some things back . The cornhusk doll I made is in my china cabinet along with a beautiful blue and white pitcher a treasured friend gave me . Some things I will never get back , luckily I still have my memories . The last time we moved I was excited . We were getting out of a house I hated . In that house I had almost died from carbon monoxide poisoning . It was there that I broke my ankle falling down the stairs . It was a money pit . As soon as we completed a major repair , usually asking one of our sets of parents for the money , another huge repair was needed . In fact the day before we finally moved the pipe under the bathtub broke . The neighborhood wasn 't the best . In the few years I was there it went down hill . The elementary school at the end of the street closed . Businesses that had been there for years closed or moved . I didn 't feel safe taking my baby for a walk around the block . There was a drive by shooting around the corner from us . We even had a level 3 sex offender living just 7 houses away from us . When mom offered us a way to get out of there I did all I made sure we accepted it . It meant we had to live in a house my mother in law owned . Dennis wasn 't thrilled about that , but for our child 's sake ( for back then we only had on child ) we accepted . We got out of there and I was relieved . Now almost 6 years later my mother in law anted us to move from a duplex to a single . She was not happy about the mess in our house . In fact neither was I . It has just become too much . I know it needs to be cleaned , I also know I have no idea how to get it done . I have become a hoarder . I am embarrassed by it and afraid because I don 't know how to fix it . So here I am moving out of one house , that has become a disaster , into another new start for us . This house has writing all over the walls , no matter how we punish the children they still managed to cover the walls with scribbles . I gave up trying to remove it al . I always assumed I would just paint over it all . In fact I had even planned to do just that this summer . The house I am in now is just a huge fail for me . Was it the crippling depression I suffered last year that was my breaking point ? I don 't know , but somehow I just stopped in this house . I crawled into bed and gave up . Posted by I don 't know why it has taken me so long to write about Mother 's Day this year . Yet I did . This year I took charge of my Mother 's Day . Usually my children go all out for mother 's day . I get drawings , gifts from the Dollar Store . I love that they go the extra mile for Mother 's Day . It is the complete indifference my husband shows that gets to me every year . Now I have to say that I don 't expect him to get me a gift , after all I am not his mother . However I believe he should guide the children in what they want to do for me on Mother 's Day . Maybe take me someplace nice to eat , or encourage them to make me a nice craft that I will treasure for years to come . I even tell him specific ideas because I know he not the most creative person . Yet every year I get a couple cards that he has taken the children to buy , usually on the morning of Mother 's Day . I love the cards and I save them . I also make a big deal about Mother 's Day for my mom . I make sure to take my time picking out a card for her . I look for meaning and love watching her reaction when she opens it up and reads it . I hunt for the perfect gift . Not an expensive gift , but one I know my mom will appreciate . And every year I get flack from my husband because I spend money , too much money , on my mom every year . He tends to take a low key approach to Mother 's Day with his mom . I don 't even know if he called her this year to even say " Happy Mother 's Day " to her . I asked once just before he left from work and he said he hadn 't yet . He says he never really celebrated the day with his mom as he grew up . I always did . The day meant a lot to me even before I was a mom . So this year I took charge and made the day my own . I got an email about The Melting Pot having a special Mother 's Day menu . I always wanted to eat there and never could convince Dennis to take me . Bonus , the price for the kids meals was so cheap and we just got our tax refund so I know we could afford it . I called and made reservations for our family and my parents too . The morning of Mother 's Day I got somPosted by If you ever see me aimlessly walking around muttering to myself " I love my son , I love my son " over and over again this is why . Tonight the kids were playing nicely , I was so proud of them . P had discovered a way to make music with two metal poles and dragging them on the sidewalk . It really did sound nice and there was a specific musical pattern to how he was doing it . I wished I had a video camera to record it . B was dancing to it and it was lovely . P took a shower and somehow remembered to use shampoo , I have to check because he doesn 't always remember to use soap and shampoo in the shower . He remembered tonight and I was pleased . I thought it was going to be a nice easy bedtime . I was wrong . After many prompts from me he finally got pajamas on and then I smelled ketchup . I catch him running in the bathroom and see red . I mean on his body , not me getting mad . I literally saw red . He had smeared ketchup all over his chest and I caught him smearing it into his hair as he ran into the bathroom . He wasn 't going to wash it off , he just wanted to look in the mirror . My son was literally covered in ketchup . I don 't understand his obsession with food and making messes . Why would anyone want to cover themselves in ketchup ? I know his brain works differently than mine because of the asperger 's . This is something that I will never understand . I admit it I snapped and screamed . He just got out of the shower and he had to get back in . He did get back into the shower quickly too . I start to calm down and the shower turns off . I tell him that if I smell ketchup in his hair he will have to go back in . He says he used shampoo and steps out of the bathroom wearing soaking wet pajamas . He took the second shower wearing his pajamas . I lost it again . He got sent to bed without our usual bedtime routine . Then he had the nerve to ask me for a snack . It is a good thing I love him because I think that was the only thing that saved him tonight . I have been reading from the " My First Little House Books " for the last month to my children at bedtime . I wanted to introduce them to Little House on the Prairie and the main books were still too much for them . These books were full of brilliant illustrations and really engaged my children . I didn 't know how much until I read the book titled " Sugar Snow " . P focused right on that book and had me read it over an over again . The book was about making maple syrup from sap . Immediately P wanted to tap the maple tree in our backyard and make our own syrup . To get him off that track I started looking for places near us to go and see how it was done . Serendipity was with me and one of the moms in my mommy group posted about the Maple Weekend at the end of the month . It took some time and help from friends but I managed to find a maple farm relatively close to us . This weekend was the when we decided to go , the morning started out a bit rocky though . Worse it was my fault . P lost a tooth yesterday and was so excited about the imminent Tooth Fairy visit . He put his tooth under his pillow and went to sleep with dreams of money in his head . He woke up from a bad dream and came into my room , he brought the tooth with him and put it under my pillow . I went to sleep and so did he , I never , opps I mean the tooth fairy never came . He woke up and eagerly reached under his pillow expecting a dollar , he found his tooth still in the box he put it in . He sadly woke me up and had such a sad face and voice . " Mommy , why didn 't the Tooth Fairy take my tooth . He was in tears . I asked if he checked in his room , and he ran into his room to check . I quickly put the money under the pillow hoping that if I tucked it in the corner maybe I could fix it . He came back in my room so sad . I felt like the worse mommy ever . How could I forget to make the switch ? I had completely blown it , I forgot about the missing tooth and broke my son 's heart . I asked him to show me how he looked under the pillow and he showed me , but he didn 't see the now present money under the pillow . I had to direct him to it . Now I had to think of a reason to explain why he still had the tooth . That actually wasn 't even a concern for him after he was the dollar I had just hidden there . He came up with several theory 's about why he still had the tooth . I loved hearing him tell us all about it . The one he has latched onto is she forgot it and will back tonight get it and will of course leave him some more money . I think that might just happen , An extra dollar from the Tooth Fairy seems like a fair price to pay for being such a forgetful mommy . So the morning was not the best start . Then the day didn 't get much better . I couldn 't find our camera , so I had to borrow my mom 's camera . The directions I wrote down to get to the maple farm were wrong and we drove around for such a long time . Worse we were heading the right way by accident and I said we should turn around because my directions said something different . Finally we sucked it up and called the farm for directions . We managed to get there before they shut down for the day . We met a turkey , and the kids got to pet him . They were surprised at how soft the feathers were . His head was a wrinkly and we touched it expecting it to be rough and cold , instead his head was soft and warm . Funny how you expect one thing from visual cues and prior knowledge and then it is so different from what you expect . I touched that poor turkeys head several times because it was so very different from what I expected . P too was fascinated by the turkey , B however was afraid of it . I can understand that too . It was a big bird , and when he fluffed up his feather 's he looked even bigger . We took a tractor ride to see where they tapped the trees . I was expecting buckets and found out they use tubing conencted to many trees and the sap flows into large containers . This tubing can stay in place for ten years , they just hve to change where they tap the tree every year . We heard about how the weather has to be cold at night and not too warm during the day . This was also discussed in the book P kept having me read over and over again . He even told the tractor driver all about the book . Now B loved the furry animals . She pet the bunnies , guinea pigs , llamas and of course the pony . She didn 't want to ride the pony and we didn 't make he , but she sure loved to pet that pony . She would have brought the pony home with us had we let her . So even with a rocky start I think the day ended up pretty good . P went right to bed as soon as we came home . That never happens . Usually he is in my room at least ten times trying to stay up as long as he can . Last week my son was in a school play . He had joined an after school theater program . He was so excited when he came home from the first meeting . My son proudly announced to me that he was going to be in a school play in front of the whole school . Practice was once a week and finally one day a script came home . P was playing Little Pig 1 in the Three Little Pigs . The play was a bit different than the Three Little Pig story most of us know . The Big Bad Wolf in this story was trying to bake his grandma a cake and ran out of eggs . He went to the Little Pig 's houses to borrow eggs . So basically it was a big misunderstanding . P 's character was a little on the lazy side , and just built his house out of sticks to save time . Hmmm . P and I practiced his lines every night . He knew them with no problems . I could feed him a line from anywhere in the play and he could recite his line from memory . I couldn 't wait to see the play . I knew he would perform wonderfully . The day was getting closer and sadly I had a conflict . I was asked to start observing in a classroom on the same morning as the play . I knew it would be bad form to call off for the first morning , even if it was to see my son perform in a play . I had to miss it . Luckily all his grandparents , Daddy and B went to the first performance and P was wonderful I hear . All the characters read from the scripts , I was a little disappointed when I saw that . Why had we practiced for so long if they were going to use their scripts . In my heart I knew P didn 't need it , even if he used it . I heard from multiple sources that P was loud enough for the audience to hear him with no problems . This made his grandparents very proud . After the play he had a chance to mingle with the audience and he was thrilled to have so many family members there . My father shook his hand and told him that he was a wonderful actor . It broke my heart that I couldn 't be there to watch my son on stage . I am so proud of him . Saturday , January 31 , 2010 , a man I worked with for ten years and have been a friend of his it feels like forever passed away . In 2009 he was diagnosed with brain cancer and I think we all knew this day was coming . He was the director of the Whitworth Ferguson Planetarium at Buffalo State College and by far has been my favorite boss in all my jobs . I sit down and think about all we have gone through . We went to Florida to view Halley 's Comet , or as I called it Halley 's Fuzzy Cotton Ball . I still remember his ray gun that he kept in his office desk drawer . I wonder how many times I was " shot " by that gun . His favorite planetarium shows to do in my memory were the pre - school shows . He loved the children and had a great connection with them . He had a box of puppets that he used for this age group . If I recall there was a dog ( for Canis Major ) and a Bear ( Big and Little Bear ) but there was third one too . I can 't remember what the third puppet was . I wonder if the puppets still are in that brown cardboard box tucked away behind the ring of seats that circled the room ? He and I worked on many special projects together . We were downtown one year for an Imagination Celebration . We had star - wheels that the children could assemble when they stopped at our table . It was a hot sunny day and we had so much fun working with the children and helping them build their own star - wheel so they could go home and identify the stars and constellations in the sky . I truly believe it was through working with Art at the planetarium that I found my passion of working with children . He and I both loved to work one on one with the children who visited the planetarium and we would often volunteer to go out in the public to bring the love and joy of astronomy to them . Art was there when I started my journey of teaching . I wish he could have seen me get my teaching degree . The last time I saw him he wrote me a wonderful letter of recommendation for my Masters of Elementary Education program . He was trilled that I had decided to go back to school anPosted by So what do you do when your worse suspicions come true ? Those two to three hour mystery drives start to make sense . Mysterious out of the blue shaving before a trip to the grocery store is seen in a different light . The denials that anything happened still ring in my ear and the garbage that this is my fault is thrown back in the face of the man who uttered them . This last year has been a whirlwind of destruction for me . I have worked to rebuild this crumbling marriage . I brushed the suspicions aside and accepted his differences and worked on my anger issues . I allowed him to be who he is and started reinventing myself . I am the only one who I can make change . It only took two years of courtship and twelve years of marriage to accept that . All I ask for in return from him is a little romance . I want to be swept off my feet again . But then I see him falling asleep on the couch and eternally watching the hockey game , thanks to the NHL channel he can watch hockey 24 / 7 now . There is no summer free of hockey for me anymore . He now is obsessed with curling . I know , curling ! ! ! He had a countdown on facebook for weeks announcing when he was going to curl for the first time . The only time I am mentioned by him on facebook it is because I prompted him to do so . I see the passion in his eyes for curling , and am jealous . I stood up to him after the spitting and hitting and let him come , granted not back into my bed . That was the only thing I could control . So I took it away , until I felt like a wife again . I am still waiting to feel like that . I took months for me to start to trust him and love him again . Then just when I thinks things are going well he betrays me by reaching out to other . People he doesn 't even know , that is the worse part . He said since I cut him off that he had to go to other people . He swears he stopped and he even said he was sorry , which he never does . That is one of the things we argue about . He just never things he is wrong so he feels since he doesn 't think he is wrong that he doesn 't need to apologizPosted by My life may be in turmoil but my children always manage to ground me . I don 't know when it happened ? All I know is last night before I left for a much needed night out with friends there was no play - dough on my ceiling . I was out most of today too . Tonight after the kids went to bed I went into the kitchen to make a grilled ham and cheese sandwich and something made me look up . On my ceiling is a pancake flat disk of mostly red play - dough . I am always telling them to make sure they keep the play - dough away from the carpets but I think this is a bit extreme . I have to admit it made me chuckle . Maybe it was a good thing both were sleeping soundly and looked so darling in their beds . Technically I never said no play - dough on the ceilings . With my luck P will mention this too me , and he would be right . Now you may be wondering where the offending clump of play - dough is now ? Well , it is still there on my ceiling . The evidence is waiting for the sleeping not so innocents to awaken and be confronted by a mommy who no doubt will be struggling to keep a straight face . Its back to school time and of course that is a change in routine . One week off of school is all it takes I guess . Oh the tears my son shed today made me want to cry . Of course it doesn 't help when you are dealing with marriage issues too . It was a rough day for me too . How do I handle all of this ? I can 't take time to deal with the betrayal when one of my babies is having such a bad day . I admit that after my daughter went back to school today I went back to bed . I have had such a hard time sleeping the last few nights . No children were home so I had time to mope . D has been very attentive to me the last few days . He even bought me a gift . It was just something from the dollar tree , but he never buys me gifts . Oh it is not making up for what he did . He will be on his best behavior for the next few weeks , but I know he will return back to super clod . And so here I am , once again facing the end of my marriage and I am scared . Every time he is out of the house for a long time I wonder what is he really doing . And he goes out a lot . He also takes his time when he is out . Hours can go by . I was suspicious before because he would be gone for so long and have stupid reasons for being gone for so long . I think the worse part of this is I am really not as upset as I feel I should be . Even when I confronted him I was not yelling at him . I feel strangely calm about what happened . I am so tired of being the one working to get our marriage back on track . I am tired giving suggestions to help our marriage only to be ignored . I am tired of getting into fights because we are having trouble just talking with each other . I am just plain tired . And so here I am , once again facing the end of my marriage and I am scared . I was prepared to leave if I had to after I graduated . I never dreamed I would be facing this choice with a year left of school . I never dreamed I would be in this situation . I feel betrayed and am emotionally numb . How many months have I been writing here ? How many months have I been trying to fix this mess I call a marriage ? We have been sleeping apart for months . The fighting has pretty much stopped . But he can 't do the one thing I need . I want romance again . I want him to reach out to me so I don 't feel so alone . Put me first once in a while . His face lights up when he sees a hockey game on TV . I can 't even get a hello when I come home . I was just starting to think we could fix us . We had a nice Christmas , though again no gift from him . I am used to that though . He will buy the kids the stupidest toys but never anything for me . Okay I guess that one still bothers me a lot . Anyway we have been getting better and We have had a few nice evenings on the couch together . Then tonight I find out that he has been trying to get together with other women . Thanks to a good friend I now know the truth . She sent me an email that he wrote . I called him and read him the evidence . He couldn 't deny it . He tried to pin it on me by saying we hadn 't been together for so long that he couldn 't wait any more . Seriously . Instead of reaching out to another woman why couldn 't you just do what I asked and reach out to me . It was all I asked . All I needed to connect with him again . Now I have to deal with this . If I believe him he has not actually hooked up with any of his contacts . I told him I need to think and he was on a short leash now . There was no excuse for this . I don 't trust him . Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to me . So what do I do now ? It is so easy to say leave him . That is my first instinct . How do I do that with two kids while I am school ? In one year when I have my degree maybe it will be easier to leave ? Needless to say he will still be on the couch and I will still be alone . I am a Mommy . All my life that is what I wanted to be . I also am an elementary school teacher . At the moment I am a substitute teacher . I may not have my own classroom but I care about every one of my students like I would if I was their regular teacher . I recently left my husband . What started as a great marriage fell apart over the years into an emotional abusive relationship from him to me . The more independent I got the meaner he got . Finally among a family crisis he decided to leave the country to go to a sporting event . I had an opportunity to leave and I took it . So starts another new beginning for me .

Days , Life , DreamsMy life , family , work , and everything inbetween . All posts tagged scary I Finally Forced Myself To Go To the Dentist and This is What Happened I hate pain of any sort . I 've always had a very low pain tolerance level . Even a light headache will send me scrambling for a painkiller because otherwise I will be tossing and turning in bed unable to do anything . Then I got pregnant with Logan and the tooth went from small cavity to gaping hole on one side . And it got worse with each subsequent pregnancy . Most of the time it didn 't hurt . Other times it ached so badly I would cry . I used the excuse that I was pregnant or breastfeeding to not go , but the reality was that I was reluctant to get it fixed because of my earlier painful experience . A few months ago , the molar directly above it began hurting . Since the pain was off and on , I figured it was a cavity and I slowly worked up the courage I needed to go to a dentist . I kept putting it off , until a few days ago when the pain was so severe that I couldn 't sleep . First , the huge cavity may or may not be salvageable . A specialist will come and check it out and decide whether a root canal , filling and capping the tooth , would be best , or pulling it out . I still don 't know which I 'd prefer , though I 'm leaning towards pulling . Second , the tooth that I thought was a new cavity is not one . The pain I 've been feeling that extends through my whole jaw and even to my ear is caused by an extra tooth that is up in the gum trying to push its way down on top of the tooth that is already there . There is one on the other side of my mouth as well . The only solution to end the pain ? Surgery to remove the tooth ! I 'm freaking out at the prospect , but with a pain that doesn 't let me sleep unless I have a hot water bottle , I am ready to do it . The thought of having my mouth sliced open and having to endure days of swelling and pain afterwards is not fun . But being pain - free afterwards is worth it . Febrile Seizures - Dangerous ? Or Just Scary ? A few weeks ago Logan came down with a fever . He was fine at bedtime , but when I went to take him to the toilet a few hours later , he was burning up . That was the beginning of a very long night . Logan woke a lot , calling for water , cuddles , blankets , etc . At one point it seemed he had been calling for a while but I was so tired I didn 't hear him . He wet his bed and I had to change him and the bed while he fussed about feeling cold . Just as he was settled , he yelled again and told me , " The castle is rising ! " I should have realized then that his temperature was high , but my tired state had fogged my brain and I made him go back to sleep . At 5 : 30 a . m . his yelling woke me out of a sound sleep . I dragged myself to his bed again and asked what he needed . It took a minute for me to realize that he was freaking out because he was having a febrile seizure . His body was shaking , his muscles were tense , and he was scared . It wasn 't the first time this had happened , so I was able to keep him calm by talking to him until the seizure stopped . The commotion in the kids ' room had woken everyone except Scarlett by this time . Lila was asking what was going on and why Logan 's body was shaking like that . After what seemed like a few minutes , but probably wasn 't more than a minute , the seizure stopped . Glad and I got Logan cleaned up ( he had wet himself , normal during a seizure ) and back into bed . We gave him some paracetamol and put a cool cloth on his forehead to help bring the fever down . Daddy lay down with Logan while I tried to get Lila to go back to sleep in my bed . Logan was delirious and kept talking nonsense . ( Later in the day he told me his bed had been rising off the floor and he thought he had been dreaming while awake . ) Once the medicine kicked in and he was cooler , I took his temperature and it was still 103F . I can 't imagine how high it was during the seizure ! This is the second or third time Logan has had a febrile seizure . Had I not read about them shortly before it happened the first time , it would have freaked me out . Febrile seizures are generally not dangerous to a child 's health . They are usually caused by a rapid rise in the temperature of the fever . They occur in children between the ages of 6 months - 6 years , and are more common in boys than girls . In most cases , a medical exam afterwards is not necessary , unless you notice that your child doesn 't seem like themselves after an hour or more , or the fever doesn 't go down after you 've given them something for it , or if the seizure happens again during the same illness . 5 . The child may wet or throw up while it is happening . If they throw up , make sure they are lying on their side so they don 't gag on the vomit . 6 . Once the seizure is over and your child is cleaned up and calm , you can give them whichever OTC fever - reducing medication you normally use . Make sure to follow the body weight dosage listed on the bottle and measure out carefully . A cool cloth on the forehead helps too . With Logan , it was his premature birth and 10 day hospitalization . With Lila it was the time she drank turpentine at 2 years , 1 month old . Scarlett had yet to do something to freak me out severely ( other than running off in a bookstore and hiding when she was 18 months old ) , but that changed last week . Logan was already fussing when we got to the mall because we were only doing grocery shopping , and he wanted to go to the arcade and toy shop . He has no patience for shopping so he was running around , touching everything - every display , every shelf , every food item . He broke candy bars , crushed bags of chips and grabbed everything he could . Normally he is fairly obedient and can manage a trip to the store without too much wildness , but this day his hyperactive nature had taken over and it was all I could do to not yell at him right there . ( He has ADHD . ) He continued to be wild during lunch and rest time , and on into the afternoon . He was mean to the girls and kept making them cry . Any sort of punishment didn 't faze him at all . I finally decided to take the kids to the playground near our house , hoping that some outdoor play could burn some of his energy and tire him out . Yet he continued to be wild . Several times I had to pull him aside from his play as he was biting and pinching the other children . He even bit his own lip when he fell as he was racing up the slide . The whole time I was keeping half an eye on the girls as they climbed the jungle gym . They are both quite good at it , so , while I stay near them , I don 't have to be right there . At one point I had to go to Logan again , and I didn 't see Scarlett follow me , nor did I see her climb the straight metal slide ( not the ladder but the slide ) until she was at the top . It was almost like seeing something in slow motion . I saw her at the top of the slide . I saw her begin to turn , and then I knew she was going to fall . I was too far away to get there in time to catch her . I left Logan and forgot his naughtiness as I ran to my baby . The slide was about 6 feet at the highest point and she fell from the top , landing in the sand flat on her chest and tummy , hitting her lips hard on one side . Horror stories that I had heard of kids dying from falling off a slide filled my mind , and I struggled to push them away so I could focus on Scarlett . At first she cried while I carried her to a bench and tried to clean the sand off her face , but then she was quiet , scarily quiet . She just sat on my lap and looked at everything . I kept asking her questions but she wouldn 't answer . I managed to round up Logan and Lila , and we rushed home . All I could think of was getting her home , putting ice on her ever - swelling lips , and helping her recover from the shock she was in . She wouldn 't let me put ice on her lip , nor did she want me to get the sand out of her mouth , both of which made her cry . I was afraid she had some internal injury since she was so quiet . I called Glad , who was working on the other side of town , and told him what had happened . He asked some questions and then reassured me that she was probably fine but to keep an eye on her . I held her close and told her how sorry I was that I hadn 't been close enough to catch her . I couldn 't do anything but rock her . After about 30 minutes ( from the time she fell ) she began to move around . I put a video on for her and then went to my room to cry . The guilt I felt was massive . How had I not noticed her following me ? Why wasn 't I paying more attention ? Why hadn 't I been right there to catch her ? It was awful . Finally I realized I had some hungry kids on my hands so I forced myself to get up and cook dinner , even though I wasn 't very hungry and could hardly stand to look at food . Surprisingly , Scarlett ate a good dinner ! I thought she might just have some yogurt because she could hardly open her mouth , but she figured a way to slip the food in on the side that wasn 't sore . ( Fried chicken liver , French fries , and cucumber slices . ) Afterwards she was perky and climbing around , even jumping ! She was fine as I showered everyone and got them ready for bed . I let her lie in my bed and she went to sleep quickly . I kept her in bed with me all night . At one point she scared me by waking up and just sitting there and staring straight ahead . After what seemed like forever , she told me she wanted water and to get up , but it was only about 4 in the morning so I convinced her to go back to sleep . In the morning her lip looked scary . The top one on the right side was big and puffy , the bottom about half the size . Above , below , and on her lips were all the tiny scratches that had scabbed overnight . Scarlett herself was perky as ever , ate a good breakfast , had a normal bowel movement , and showed every sign of being ok internally . But just to be safe , Glad took her to the hospital for a checkup . I didn 't feel relief until they got home . The doctor had confirmed that she had no internal injury , and her lip was going to be just fine . The swelling went down rapidly over the next two days , so fast , in fact , that we could see a difference from one hour to the next . Now , exactly one week later , all the scabs are gone and there is no evidence that she had such a bad fall . Since that day I 've made sure to stay right next to her at the park whenever she is climbing . She is daring , like Lila , and will climb on most anything , so I can 't let her out of my sight . She may be a good climber , but she is still a toddler and doesn 't have as good balance as Lila does . I shudder every time I think back on that moment when she fell . I 'm thankful she fell from the 6 ' slide and not the higher spiral one that she so loves . I 'm thankful I wasn 't far when she fell , so I could pick her up right away . I 'm thankful she wasn 't seriously injured . And I 'm most thankful she is still here . Our Healthy Diets - and Aspartame Over the past few months , I 've been doing my best to change the way we eat at home in order to improve our diets and make sure they are the most nutritious they can be . Since I found that I needed to change my own diet in order to lose weight , of course I wanted everyone to eat better . So I began to see how I could change my shopping list in order for this to happen . It was a slow process , changing one or two items at a time , eliminating the less healthy options and replacing them with healthier ones . For example , I switched jam for honey . At first I thought the kids would prefer the jam , but they don 't . They love honey and pick it all the time , so now I no longer buy jam . Though I was buying the healthiest jam I could find , it was still high in white sugar , so I 'm happy they love honey . I recently found a place that sells brown sugar so I was able to stop buying white sugar , too . I used to buy a lot of cookies and other snacks ( that I mostly ate ) , but now I 've replaced them with more fruit . Good thing my kids are fruit lovers . They will eat it any time . Their preferred snacks are peanuts , raisins , dates , plain crackers ( whole grain ones ) , chikki ( a treat made from peanuts or sesame seeds and jaggery ) , granola , and of course , fruit . While I used to buy certain items because they made meal prep easier with small kids , now that my kids are older I do make some other things since it is healthier , and often cheaper , than buying them already made . For example , I began making peanut butter this week to cut the cost of what we were spending on it . Logan loves peanut butter and will eat it every day if I let him . But the one I was getting kept going up in price and for one small jar of 460 gr . I was paying the same as for a kilo of chicken . It was way too much . I found that I could buy 1 / 2 a kilo of plain peanuts for less than half of what I was spending on peanut butter , and it only took me about 10 minutes to whip it up in my blender . I have one of those blender sets that comes with different cups and blades , and one is specially for grinding . I just put half the peanuts in with a little salt , then slowly worked the blender until it came to a spreadable consistency . It is lighter than the store bought stuff and not sweet , but the kids eat it with honey anyway so why keep buying something that has extra sugar and is breaking the bank when I can make it for less than half the price , and it is healthier to boot ! Learning to like veggies is a little harder since they are not sweet like fruit , but my kids are slowly progressing . Logan was stuck on only having carrot sticks for a long time . They had to be raw ( he never ate them cooked ) and the only other veggie he sometimes had was cucumber . He is slowly coming around and is trying new things here and there . He now claims to like lettuce , and wants to eat green veggies in order to turn into the Hulk . ( Who says superheroes can 't do anything for kids ? ) Lila and Scarlett will try more veggies . Lila loves most raw veggies that I serve , including spinach , but tends to pick out cooked ones . Oh , the other day I made a carrot and cabbage coleslaw , with the cabbage being finely grated instead of chopped . Logan only saw the carrots and raisins , and claimed he loved it . Big win ! Despite making all the above - mentioned changes , along with getting more exercise , I was still not feeling as good as I should have been . I really can 't explain exactly how I was feeling , but it was a general " could there be something wrong with me " feeling . At the end of each day I felt blah . I would feel better in the morning but by evening I felt weird again . To top it off , I began having fears I 'd never had before , fears of instant death , fears of leaving the house , leaving my kids , being alone in the house when Glad was gone , constant thoughts of " you 're going to die right now " , etc . It was really weird . Then one night I had something happen that had never happened before - I had a panic attack . I tried to go to bed , but every time I laid down I was sure that was it for me , that I was going to stop breathing . I kept getting up and lying back down , and each time I laid down it would hit me again . I prayed hard and the feeling finally went away . It continued to happen several times after that . I never knew when it would hit , and I couldn 't figure out what could be the cause . I was beginning to wonder if I was seriously sick or something . I spent a lot of time praying just to get rid of the fear and it helped some but not completely . I also found myself getting upset with the kids more easily , losing my temper and yelling , screaming really , at them for minor things , which was really odd . I 've never been one to get upset so easily over such small things . Then I remembered the gum I was using . I like to have some when running to keep my mouth moist , plus I would have one when out with the kids , or at the park , etc . I was chewing two to three pieces of this sugar - free gum daily . So I checked it and , sure enough , the sweetener was Aspartame . I had used this gum for months but was only recently hit with these odd things , so my guess is that it took time to build to danger levels in my body since I wasn 't getting it any other way . I stopped using it immediately , and now , roughly 10 days since my last piece , I feel better . I can 't prove 100 % that the Aspartame was the culprit , but I can say that I am beginning to feel like myself again . The fears are slowly going , since they kind of got stuck in my mind , but now I find it easier to fight them off . I am also no longer having panic attacks . And yes , I 'm not yelling at the kids like I was . I am now becoming a label - reader in the store . I check the ingredients listed in any new item I pick up to be sure there is no artificial sweetener of any kind . I buy very few pre - packaged items these days , so it isn 't too hard to avoid . It 's so sad , though , that the general public is subjected to these types of dangerous food ingredients , all for the sake of skimping on calories . Mommy Fears and Heart - stopping Moments From the time Logan was small , one of my greatest fears was that someone would grab one of my kids in a public place and run off with them . When Logan learned to walk and could get away from me , I kept my eye on him like a hawk . I remember so clearly how hard it was for me to turn my back for even a second . I literally would have to tell myself it wasn 't awful to glance in another direction for a second . It got harder when Lila came along and began walking and both wanted to go in different directions at once . I think if it had been possible , I would have turned into some version of Inspector Gadget with extendable arms and a 360 degree rotating head . Ha . Taking them to the park was crazy , and we only survived the mall because of the stroller where one of them would always be confined . I 've since learned to watch them closely but I don 't have my eyes glued to them at every second . I spend most of my time anywhere moving my eyes from one to the other to the other and back to the first one again . 🙂 Well , I can sort of trust Logan , and sometimes if the girls want to run to the small lake and Logan wants to be in the adjacent playground where I can see when he is on the top of the slide , it 's okay . Or if in the toy shop he wants to look at books over in the next aisle where I can 's see him while the girls play with the Lego display , it 's okay . I do check on him often and he 's fine . But I can 't trust the girls . Scarlett loves to run as soon as my back is turned , and has given me more than one fright at the skating rink . Often someone will see me looking wildly for her and will point me in the direction she went . And last week at the rink , Lila decided she didn 't want to finish the exercises with the teacher so came looking for Scarlett and I . I was at a place where I could see them with the teacher , but she managed to sneak out , and then went and asked some lady to help her find me . I was proud that she remembered what color I was wearing but upset that she left , and after I spotted her and called her back , she got strict instructions to never leave the rink if I wasn 't in sight . What makes it harder for me is how people here in India are so attracted to them , because of their light skin color . People constantly sneak photos of them , touch them , pinch their cheeks , and want to be near them . The very few who do ask for photos first always get denied . I mean , why do they need pics of my kids ? The rest can be glad I don 't go smash their phones . It 's so rude of them to just take their pics but what can I do ? Kidnapping is a very real fear here . At least once a week I read about one in the paper , often with sad results for the child . My kids being white could be targets so I do have to be careful . Even though most people are just being friendly , it 's better safe than sorry . Just last Friday , while at the skating rink , I saw what I thought at first glance was my nightmare coming true . There is a balloon vendor there every day , and of course Scarlett spends lots of time watching the balloons . I was seated on one end of the rink , further from the balloons than normal , but I could still see her clearly so I let Scarlett walk over . I was watching her the whole time , so I jumped when I saw a man run and grab her real quick . I ran through the rink to where he was standing , but before I could exit the rink , a cow with large horns ran in front of me , with her owner at her heels . When I was 5 years old , my mom and 2 younger brothers and I lived in an apartment complex on the ground floor . I have fun memories of that place , like sliding down the carpeted staircase on my tummy , head first . It seemed to be the longest staircase ever and was a great ride . Yes , it was one of those apartments with two floors . We lived in the same building twice , in two different apartments , about two years apart ( I think ) . It was great for hide and seek . But today 's story isn 't about the place itself . My brothers were 3 and 2 at the time , and one day the younger one , Steve , wanted to go outside . Mom must have been upstairs or possibly in the public laundry room down the hall , but she certainly wasn 't around cause I went ahead and opened the door for him and let him out , closing the door behind him . It never occured to me that he shouldn 't go out on his own , that he couldn 't watch himself . I just thought he should go out since he wanted to . I don 't know how much later it was when mom asked where he was and I said I let him out cause he wanted to go out . I don 't remember her reaction to me , nor if she said anything , though I 'm sure she did . She must have freaked . I do remember her going out and searching the grounds for him , finally finding him playing on the huge tractor tire that was there for us to climb on . Sometimes these memories come to me at the oddest times , but this must have been triggered by Lila wanting to go outside and Logan unlocking the door for her . Thankfully , I caught them and stopped her . Lila can 't reach the lock yet , but if she could , or if she got the idea to put the stool there and open it , she would be out faster than a bolt of lightening . I 've had Logan take off before , racing out of the yard and into the street as fast as his feet could carry him . Once he went around the block before someone caught him and brought him back . Another time he went out without me knowing and it was only when a construction worker from the house down the street brought him back that I reaMom , I 'm sure you remember that time . Wanna tell us your version of it ? A child will taste something out of curiosity ; they don 't know it is not edible so they put it in their mouth . This is something a baby or toddler has to do to learn about the world around them . Their taste buds are more sensitive than the nerves in their fingertips , so they learn about an object faster through tasting it . The only problem is , they can 't yet taste the difference between something that is edible and something that is not . Start by keeping all poisonous items out of reach . If you use it to clean the house , your car , your laundry , or to kill pests , it is poisonous . The degree of danger varies with each item - some will only cause stomach upset , allergic reaction or vomiting - others can be fatal . These kinds of products are generally labeled as dangerous and will often tell you what to do if swallowed , but don 't count on it . If you have a poison control center in your area , then keep the number next to your phone ( or in your mobile , labeled as such ) so that you can call for help quickly if need be . The best thing you can do , though , is to keep these items out of your child 's reach at all times . Look for other hazards in your house and do what you can to fix or remove them . Sometimes it can help to crawl around the house yourself so you can see things from your child 's eye view . If they grab that ledge to stand up , is it safe ? Will they hit their head or eye on it while standing up ? Is it loose ? Could it fall off ? Ask yourself these kinds of questions as you go from room to room and make a list of what you need to either fix , cover , hide or remove to ensure your child 's safety . You should always know where you baby is playing at all times . With a toddler or fast crawler this can be harder , but is so important . See Random Safety Tips for a list of other things to be aware of with small children . Trouble Be Thy Middle Name Lila seems to be practicing for a life of trouble … or maybe she is just being a normal 2 - year - old . She keeps me busier than the other two combined ! She has to do at least one thing daily that makes me wish I had a playpen her size that I could lock her in ( it would have to be escape and sound proof ) , though she usually does more than that . When I went to look at it , she said , " Oh God , Lila " , imitating what I say to her whenever she creates a disaster of epic proportions and I am pressed for time but have to clean it . I had no idea I said it so much that she knew it . Actually , I only say it when I 'm really upset - I 've had a long day , listened to too many hours of screaming and crying , when I 'm on edge and need a break . It is never - ending with her - I swear ! Yesterday she dumped a bottle of laundry bleach all over the balcony and herself ; she regularly dumps water on the floor in varying quantities ; she has flooded both the living and dining rooms ; she sticks her hands in the flour and licks them when I 'm rolling chapattis ; she will systematically drop her dinner on the floor if she doesn 't want to finish ( usually I 'm nursing the baby and can 't go to her ) ; she loves to play with soap , and will take the bar to her room , or my bed , dig into it and rub it all over herself . She rips things , breaks things , opens most anything , eats anything , and then runs when I catch her . She has learned how to run around the furniture so I can 't catch her easily but will then usually get herself stuck in a corner . Ironically , she rarely gets hurt . At the most she will get a scratch or a bump , nothing serious . The turpentine incident has been , by far , the worst trouble she has gotten into since her trouble - making days began . I just hope she won 't have anything worse happen . This morning someone came by to drop off a box with paint and supplies as we are going to paint the house soon . I had it placed in the guest bedroom ( which is also where the balcony is ; the kids go in the room all the time ) and left it there as it didn 't fit under the bed . I didn 't check the box closely and never noticed the bottle of turpentine sitting there . I don 't know if it was open or closed , though it must have been closed or else I would have smelled it . Around 3 : 30 p . m . , Logan and Lila were running around playing . They had skipped their nap and were rather wild . Scarlett was fussy , only wanting me to hold her and not letting me put her down . Logan and Lila were playing on the balcony and running in and out of the house . Next thing I know , Lila dropped something and was coughing . I smelled it and immediately got scared , not knowing what I should do , only that I had to do something fast . I picked her up and tried to wash her mouth out , then I thought maybe she should throw up . I didn 't know how much she had swallowed . I 'm guessing a mouthful . She was coughing and spitting , and I was almost frantic until I saw how scared Logan was . He was crying and freaking out like he does when he sees someone else freak out . Somehow it affects him . It didn 't help that Scarlett was screaming for me either . Then I remembered our neighbors downstairs . Both our landlord and his son are paediatricians , so I grabbed Lila and the bottle , told Logan to watch Scarlett , and ran downstairs to see who was home . Our landlord was out so I ran to his son 's place hoping he was home . Thank God he was . His wife immediately sent her daughter , who sometimes plays with my kids , up to our place as both Logan and Scarlett were crying . The main thing he said was that she shouldn 't throw up to avoid getting it into her lungs , then to give her milk . I have heard of that before ; it seems to help neutralize the poison . He said if I took her to a hospital they would do an x - ray to make sure her lungs were clear , then tell me to watch her , make sure she was breathing ok , etc . He wasn 't freaked out about it , which helped me calm down . So I took her upstairs to try to get some milk into her , since she wouldn 't drink what his wife gave her . On top of it I had to try to calm Logan and Scarlett as well . I sat Lila in front of the t . v . and she had a few sips of milk while I distracted Scarlett . Soon she got into the cartoon and I was able to put Scarlett to sleep ; then Lila got tired and took a nap on the couch . I was finally able to turn to Logan and give him some attention to help calm him down . After her nap , Lila was fussy but seemed to be ok , until she threw up during dinner . She hadn 't wanted to eat so was on my lap when it happened . Logan again freaked out , probably more due to his own tiredness , so I put him in his room to cut some of the noise since all 3 of them were crying again . He eventually fell asleep . After a quick bath , both girls fell asleep on my lap in the space of 5 minutes , Scarlett nursing and Lila cuddling . Peace and quiet ensued , and it was only 9 p . m . This is unheard of in our house . It is now 10 p . m . , all the kids are still sleeping , and I finally have a chance to reflect on the events of this afternoon . I really should have checked the box . Lila gets into EVERYTHING these days and is accustomed to helping herself to water from the bottles in the fridge . So she assumed it was water and drank it . Good thing I was right there when it happened so I could help her right away instead of trying to guess what had happened .

People pushed their way out of the elevator doors in a great hurry to catch the celebrity who just entered the building . Sighing as the door closed , I noticed that there was one man left ; maybe he was another employee in this building . I didn 't pay attention , though , but I regret doing that . One moment , I 'm just glancing at my reflection on the elevator walls . The next moment , there 's a hand on my mouth and a gun pointed to my head , and it 's none other than the " employee " who 'd be pulling the trigger . Back to the present situation , I was extremely puzzled . How was this guy able to get through the tight security here ? This hundred - floor building was one of the safest to be in . Was he really an employee in the first place ? I 'd always imagine what I 'd be doing in scenarios like this . Apply martial arts to the arm holding the gun ? Kick him down there and press that emergency button ? Bite the hand that was covering my mouth ? Nope , I didn 't do any of that ; I was frozen in place . I couldn 't even bring myself to look around . I could hardly breathe , but as I struggled to do so , I heard the sound of tinkling bells . I felt vibrations in my pocket , then I realized that it was my phone making that sound . I caught sight of the young woman almost immediately , although there were plenty of people in the elevator in the first place . As everybody except the two of us had left , I hurried to cover her mouth and point the gun towards her head . This should shut her up , I thought as I pressed the button in the elevator , causing it to move towards the parking lot . Everything had already been thought of , everything was ready . I knew that they were waiting for me down there . This far , everything had gone according to the plans . As the doors opened , I led her towards a black van waiting for us not far away . A guy came out , opening the doors for us to go inside . As we got inside , there was plenty of space in the van . A brown blanket laid on the floor and the guy who had opened the doors got inside with us . I sat her down on the floor leaning towards the wall , and I , myself , sat down in front of her . The other guy sat down in one of the corners . " No panicking this far " , I said , looking at the woman . She seemed to be rather calm , and it surprised me , although I hadn 't thought of what to expect . " Don 't you dare to move , scream , or anything like that " , the guy in the corner said , and I nodded slightly . " You 'll regret it if you do " , I said . The guy pretty much ignored my phone , or maybe he didn 't hear it , as I was taken to a black van . Another guy was there , I noted , sitting at the corner of the van . I gulped as I wondered what they 'd do next . " No panicking this far , " the guy who pointed the gun to my head said , looking straight at me . My dark brown eyes met his for a second , then I looked away . He was right ; the situation hasn 't sunk in . At least not yet . I never thought , in my wildest dreams , that a scenario that would occasionally come to mind would actually come to life . To make things more complicated , this van looked exactly like my best friend 's van . To make things even more complicated , I think that was what made me feel comfortable . . . Too comfortable , in fact , that I end up not paying enough attention to the two guys who just made me their hostage . . . I thought of the phone that she still had on her . I guess I should have taken it when it rang out in the elevator , but for what good would it be to throw it away ? Someone would come looking for her , anyways . Finding her phone destroyed would certainly make them wonder . I looked at her thoughtfully as the van had started moving . About an hour later , everyone - except the woman , of course - knew that we were soon there . She still seemed pretty calm , maybe a bit scared , but who wouldn 't be , I thought , taking a bite of an apple that I held in my hand . We had gotten orders not to feed her , but that didn 't stop me from eating , did it ? I looked towards the guy in the corner , Jason , and he looked back at me . " Hey you , girl " , I said , not really knowing what else to say , as I got a rope from the floor on the van . I didn 't feel like it was necessary to tie her up , but orders were orders . I sat down beside her , leaning towards the wall just like she was . " I know that you 've been good , but I have to tie you up . Safety , you know " , I said , showing her the rope . I grabbed her shoulder and turned her around , her back facing me . I took a hold of her wrists putting them behind her back to tie them up . Okay , this phone was bothering me . I didn 't mean for it to be in my pocket , but I placed it there at the last minute , right before I entered the damned elevator . Now it 's hitting my leg and making my sitting position uncomfortable . I want to plead to the guy , " Take the damn phone , it hurts ! " but that would give him access to my contacts , and we all know that would be really bad . My mouth watered as I watched the guy in front of me bit into an apple . Though I 'm not a fan of apples , I 'd be willing to bite into one right now . Another regret : not accepting my dad 's offer to go out for dinner . Maybe if I joined him , I wouldn 't be stuck in this situation . " Hey you , girl - - " Did he not know my name ? Oh , right , I haven 't told him yet . I wanted to say " this girl has a name " , but I decided against it . Maybe he shouldn 't know . Or maybe he did know , and just didn 't want to address me that way . " - - I know that you 've been good , but I have to tie you up . Safety , you know . " He showed me some rope , and I bit back a complaint . I was already still and silent , and he had to tie my hands . Gee , thanks . The van suddenly swerved , making me hit my head - - hard - - on the side of the van . " Shit , " I cursed , and the van swerved to the other side . I hit the other side of the van , but instead of my head hitting the side , my body landed on the floor . . . on top of my arm . I let out another curse just as I heard three gun shots over my head . Everything had gone according to the plan , things had been great until I heard the gun shots . At first , I couldn 't really connect - what was that sound ? The thought of anything happening that wasn 't according to the plan felt weird . It didn 't take long until I realized what was happening . I saw the woman as she hit her head on the side of the van , which made me wanting to grab her and keep her from getting hurt even more . How unlucky , I thought , that I had just tied her up as the van started swerving here and there , as she couldn 't really do anything to ease the fall every time she hit something . Jason looked almost as panicked as I did , although he was focusing on the shooting . It wasn 't until now that I realized that the doors were open . How was that possible ? I hurried to get to the woman , not wanting her to get hurt , and picked her up . I dragged her to one of the corners further away from the shooting , having no idea what to do . Could it be some safety guards from where we had kidnapped her ? As I thought about it , I realized that it could be true . It wouldn 't surprise me if they had a high security system over there , I thought , as I pulled her closer to me , holding one arm over her chest , her sitting in my lap . " Neo , get out . We 'll keep them busy and you two can escape " , I heard Jason say , and I met his serious - looking gaze as he pointed towards the opening . Was he serious ? The van slowed down , barely noticeable , but it was enough for me to understand that I had to get out of there with the woman . I looked at her , uncertain and actually a bit scared , although I did my best not to show it . " We have to get off here . Just hold onto me " , I said , as I remembered that her wrists were tied up behind her back . I smiled slightly as I remembered it , and shrugged . " Well , just trust me , then " , I said , holding her with both of my arms the best I could as I moved closer to the opening . Down there there was a forest , pretty big it seemed . I glanced at Jason who nodded , and I jumped , with the woman in a tight grip , pulling her towards my chest , praying for her not to get hurt in the fall . My head was throbbing , I was feeling really dizzy , and I couldn 't exactly comprehend what was going on . I felt myself being pulled to what looked like the corner of the van , someone holding me close , preventing me from moving around . Just what I needed ; any more moving and I might as well pass out from all the damage my body had taken . And you two can escape , " the other guy said to the one holding me . What ? Escape ? Where ? I opened my eyes wide and saw that the door was open , revealing lots of . . . green . . . " We have to get off here . Just hold on to me - - " the one closest to me said , then realizing my hands were bound , added , " Well , just trust me , then . " He held me with both arms , and I could do nothing else but lean heavily on him . At that moment , it seemed , my head hurt more , but as we moved closer to the open door , I forced myself to pry away from him just a little bit so that not all my weight would be on him . I watched for some sort of signal for the jump , which was given by the other guy who was staying behind . I was suddenly held tightly as we ( or rather , he ) jumped , straight into the forest below . I did my best not to scream , settling with whispered curses instead . My right side hit a tree , and that was the same side I fell on back in that van . I let out a groan of pain , watching as the world started spinning . I started to drift away , then I suddenly remembered the guy who held on to me as we ( he ) jumped . I hit the ground with the woman still in my arms , which made me slightly relieved - I hadn 't lost her , yet . I was pretty confident in finding her even though I 'd let her go , since we were all alone now . I tried to hold onto her though , but the speed and pain from the fall made me let go of her , even though I didn 't want to . It just happened . When I had finally stopped , I found myself lying on the ground . I laid there for a few seconds , trying to calm myself down - I was probably pretty bruised after the fall . I thought of how unlucky she must be , not being able to ease the fall with her hands . I sat up and looked around , determined to find her before anyone else did . I didn 't have to worry though - further down the road I could see the van and some other car disappear , being only small dots for my eyes to see . Soon they 'd be gone , and it 'd be just me and the woman . " Are you there ? " I asked once I found her , but I got no response . I sat down beside her , realizing that she must have passed out . I felt a bit sorry for her , but tried my best to think of the mission , and nothing else . I picked her up and started walking , although I didn 't know where to go - Jason hadn 't really told me what to do next . I sighed as I realized that I didn 't know where I was . I walked a bit in the forest , but still pretty close to the road so that I wouldn 't get lost . After a while I sat down , I had found a river . I put her down on the ground and looked at her , taking some water on my palm and made her forehead slightly wet . " Hey , wake up " , I said , pretty tired from carrying her around the way I had . Heavy breathing , heavy eyelids , heavy body , heavy EVERYTHING . I gained consciousness but my body wouldn 't budge to show anyone that I was actually alive . I could hear something liquid . . . Water . A stream , perhaps ? My hearing sense isn 't that great so I couldn 't be too sure . I managed to let out a sigh to let whoever it was know that I was conscious . I really couldn 't move just yet , I felt like time slowed down for no one else but me , and I didn 't like it . " Hey , wake up , " a voice called out . I felt water trickle down my forehead , and it was not too cold . It was warm , actually , and I was strangely calmed by it . " Holy crap ! " I screamed , rolling away from him . Remember how I wasn 't sure if I heard water ? At the last moment , I really heard the water - - smelled it , even - - just before I stopped myself . God , that was so close . That managed to get me out of my drowsy state , though , which was good . " I 'm alive , I 'm alive , " I muttered , suddenly feeling my phone crunch under my weight . " Fuck . " I rolled away from the river , facing him . I had to shake my head to get my brown hair away from my face . I felt slightly dizzy after that , thanks to the damage my head took . Damn it , thousands of brain cells gone . The moment my brown eyes met his , I strangely felt this huge wave of defeat . I was far away from home , I didn 't know where I was , I was injured , and my phone was already broken . Never in my life have I felt this kind of defeat . I was completely at his mercy now . Well , that 's what I wanted to know . I began speaking , but coughed and cleared my throat a few times . It was too dry for comfort . " Now you know I can 't get any help , much less run away in my injured state , could you please tell me why I 'm here ? " I asked . I flinched as she let out a scream , and I backed off slightly . I looked at her , a bit surprised . Well , maybe I shouldn 't be , I thought - she has all the right to be upset . After all , I - or we , since I wasn 't alone in this - had kidnapped her . And she probably had no idea why . That must be confusing , I thought , as I hadn 't thought about it before , how this was for her . I smiled slightly as she spoke - she was right . I wasn 't sure whether I enjoyed the situation , being in charge for once , or if I didn 't . Would I like it better if she didn 't look so . . . helpless ? In a way , I felt sorry for her . I knew I couldn 't let that show , though . Then the whole image would be ruined . Everything . I met her gaze , not sure of what signals I gave to her really , as I spoke . " It 's your father " , I said , not sure of how much she already knew - if anything at all - or how much I should tell her about . I sighed . This had nothing to do with those other guys , really - Jason or anyone . They had just helped me get it done . The original plan was that they 'd let me off with her , the woman , in a cabin . I knew I wouldn 't be able to get it all done by myself , and so I had spoken to Jason . He had gathered a couple of friends , and then it was set . Thinking about it , I realized that I was alone now - neither Jason or any of his friends owed me anything . They were done with their part . I bit my lip . " He has . . . " I shrugged , not feeling like talking about it , at all . I turned my back on her . " You 're here because of something your father has done " , I said , facing her again . " It 's about revenge . Now , don 't ask about it - don 't even say a word about it " , I said , walking up to her and grabbed her gently by her arm . " Can you walk ? " I asked , and nodded in a direction . " We 're going this way " , I said , hoping that we weren 't too far away from the cabin . Wait , did I seriously hear that this was all because of my father ? My mouth turned into a huge " o " . What did my father do to make this guy kidnap me ? " You 're here because of something your father has done , " he added . Just as I was about to voice my thoughts , he said , " It 's about revenge . Now , don 't ask about it - don 't even say a word about it . " I frowned ; how the hell am I going to know , then ? I don 't recall seeing my dad so frustrated over something in his work . Everything seemed to be easy for him , but maybe this guy had been guilty of something . Well , it 's not like I 'd know . I feared that maybe if I spoke up , I 'd have a gun pointed at my head again . I think I 'll just keep quiet about it . . . For now . He gently grabbed my arm , asking if I could walk . Well , I couldn 't exactly get up now , could I ? This rope on my wrists is going to be the death of me . At the same time , I wondered : why was this kidnapper so gentle ? I thought they weren 't capable of being gentle . I thought they were intimidating and forceful and rough . Maybe I haven 't seen the other side of him just yet . Maybe he was only being gentle because I was already injured . Maybe he 's also wondering why I 'm so calm and . . . Quiet . . . For a person who was kidnapped . I walked with her , letting her lean towards me now and then if she needed to , because , after all , she was injured . I knew I wouldn 't be able to carry her all the way through the forest though , and I didn 't feel like staying in the forest longer than needed . I glanced at her now and then , although I , for most of the time , remained silent , as we walked . I was quite busy keeping an eye on in which direction the road was in , just to make sure that we didn 't get lost . It was getting dark . I could still hear the cars on the road , but I wasn 't sure whether that helped me or not . Maybe the cabin wasn 't here , after all . I had begun to lose hope , but I didn 't say anything to her - I didn 't want her to see how confused and worried I actually was - as I , with a determined look on my face , put one foot ahead of the other . " It shouldn 't be long " , I said , after walking for probably a few hours . I suspected that she was in pain , but didn 't say anything about it . Pretended like she was OK . My feet and legs were hurting at this point , but I knew that complaining about it wouldn 't make things better . " I see you 're tired " , I said , looking at her . We had been walking for quite some time , and now it was too dark to continue . In a few hours it 'd be too dark to see anything at all , and so it would be foolish to continue . Luckily , there was a river nearby where we were . " I think we should rest here and continue tomorrow " , I said , helping her to sit down . I sat down too , and in my pocket , I found even more rope . I remembered putting it there the previous day - " just in case it 's needed " Jason had said , although I had thought it wasn 't necessary - and I looked at her , thoughtfully . She wouldn 't be so stupid that she 'd try to escape in the state she was in , would she ? I knew I couldn 't afford taking any chances , though . I got closer to her and gently laid her down on the ground - it wasn 't that hard since she couldn 't do that much to resist - and sat down beside her feet . " Only for the night " , I said , grabbing her feet . " It 's OK , right ? " I said , looking up at her , although I was already holding her ankles together with my left hand , ready to tie them up , as I had done with her wrists . The moment I stood , I leaned against the kidnapper , even though I knew it was quite risky . He could easily take advantage of my vulnerable state and torture me right here , right now . Well , this in itself is torture , really . I know I 'm a bit on the lighter end of the weighing scale , but I feared I 'd be heavy . I dragged my feet , barely walking because of the injuries and the lack of energy in me . He looked forward the whole time , looking for . . . something . Maybe he was looking for something like an HQ , where everyone else would be waiting . Maybe the " man - made torture " would start then . That is something I fear . I couldn 't tell how much time had passed , but it was getting pretty dark , and I was forced to watch my step and be aware of my surroundings . The birds have stopped chirping a long time ago , and it was the crickets that replaced them . We still kept going , though ; wasn 't this guy already tired from all the walking and searching ? It didn 't seem like it , though ; he looked quite determined to find the place , wherever it was . Maybe if we were still in that van , we 'd be there already . " It shouldn 't be long , " he said , breaking the silence between us . I simply sighed and nodded . How long would it take before we get there ? Did this guy even know where he was going ? I had to bite my lower lip to prevent myself from complaining . A thought came to me all of a sudden , completely taking me off guard . What if I turned back now ? What if I catch him by surprise and be gone before he knows it ? I can hide behind a nearby tree and he 'd have to backtrack , and the moment he does that , I 'll go from tree to tree and eventually escape back to the road , where I can hitch a ride to the police station and tell them everything I knew . Heck , I can probably hit him down there and run away . " I see you 're tired , " he said , interrupting my thoughts . From the corner of my eye , I could see him looking at me . I just hoped that my thoughts wouldn 't show on my face . I got too caught up in my thoughts to see how dark it already was , and we 're still not in that certain destination . There was a river nearby ; was that the same one I nearly fell into a few . . . hours ago ? " You 're kidding , right ? " I asked , raising my eyebrows in surprise . Why would a kidnapper tell me that he 'd only tie them together for a night , let alone ask if it was alright with me ? He 'd tie them either way . Now that I was facing away from him , thoughts about escape immediately vanishing . Did I not follow his instructions and stayed with him the whole afternoon , when I was supposed to be safe at home and not in this damned forest ? Did I not keep my mouth shut and let him bind my wrists with this damn rope , even though it meant being more prone to injury ? Was I not calm enough for him ? It was as if a light bulb was switched on inside my head . I hated to admit it , but I had put a bit of my trust in this guy . So much for trusting easily , I thought as I let out another sigh . I was pleased to see that she would let me tie her ankles as well , although it felt slightly odd . Had I been expecting her to disagree , to resist ? I wasn 't sure . I guess I knew , just as well as she did , that she didn 't have much of a choice , anyway . She 's probably just tired , I thought , as I tied her ankles , being careful not to tie it too hard - I didn 't want her feet to turn blue , get numb or anything like that - but at the same time hard enough to be sure that she wouldn 't be able to get it off . Not that I knew how she 'd manage to do that though , since her wrists were tied as well . To be honest , I felt a bit bad about it , since she , obviously , had been nice and cooperative the whole time , and I didn 't think that she 'd run away . It could all be an act , I thought to myself , maybe she was just waiting for her chance to get away . " Some water , if you 're thirsty " , I said , using my hands as a bowl to collect water from the river . I turned to her after drinking some myself , and went towards her . She was leaning towards a tree now . I sat down in front of her , moving my hands towards her mouth to drink . I could hear birds singing , and at first , I didn 't remember where I was . In a couple of seconds I remembered it though , from looking at the surrounding , and the woman , of course . I woke her up , untied her feet , and we continued our journey through the forest . Luckily , in just a few hours , I caught sight of the cabin . " There it is ! I 've found it ! Yes ! " I said , smiling with my whole face . I quickly realized that it probably was a bit over the top , and did my best to tone it down . I looked at her , still with a smile , although this one was smaller , on my face . " So , here we are " , I said , after getting inside with the woman , closing the door behind us . There was a kitchen - pretty well equipped when I thought about it - , a living room , a bathroom , and then , a basement . I had always thought it was quite odd for there to be a basement in the cabin , but I 'd gotten used to it the few times I 'd been there before . The cabin was decorated and with furnitures , carpets and everything , as if someone was actually living there . I had prepared it well . The door and windows were locked with multiple locks , and the cabin was well secured as it was . " I 'll let your hands free for you . Just promise you 'll behave good " , I said , taking a knife from a drawer in the kitchen - which was also secured with a locker - and cutting the ropes holding her wrists together , off . " Some water , if you 're thirsty , " he said . I opened my mouth and drank , some of it spilling down my chin . After using my shoulder to wipe off the water , I licked my chapped lips , realizing how thirsty I actually was . That act pretty much convinced me that maybe he was really gentle . I didn 't bother to ask for more water , though , when I felt my eyelids droop . I didn 't sleep . I was up all night , twisting and turning out of lack of comfort . Usually , I 'd lie down on my back , but that wasn 't possible since my hands were tied behind me . I also stayed awake because I didn 't know what this guy planned , and I wanted to be alert if anything else happened . I ended up staring at the kidnapper . I didn 't know how old he was , but he looked really young when he slept . I kind of envied him for sleeping that peacefully , and since it was supposed to be me sleeping and him watching . I diverted my attention to the stars , doing my best to count them so I could fall asleep . I finally dozed off . " There it is ! I 've found it ! Yes ! " he exclaimed with a big grin on his face . Why was he so excited about a cabin in the middle of a forest ? Was this really their HQ ? I gave him a small smile , staring at the comfy - looking shelter in front of me . My curiosity overpowered my tiredness , and I watched as he opened the door to the cabin . Slowly walking in , the first thing I noticed was how homey it was . Seriously , there were carpets , chairs , furniture , a bathroom , and a freaking kitchen . Of course , there were locks on the doors and windows , but I still couldn 't process the idea of this being a place for kidnappers and their hostages . " So here we are , " he said , " I 'll let your hands free for you . Just promise you 'll behave good . " He walked to the kitchen and got a knife , sawing through the ropes . The moment he freed me , I sighed in relief , rotating my wrists and checking for any damage . There was no damage done ; my wrists were just red . Rubbing them , I continued to look at my surroundings . " My goodness , " I breathed , " your leader 's plan totally works . " If the mastermind of this whole thing meant to keep me in this cozy and warm place , if this was really where I was going to stay , I 'd have a difficult time plotting an escape . I expected something that resembled either a lab or a dungeon , but not this ! Everything looked really lovely , even with the locks . " Is your master , leader , whatever you call your superior . . . an interior designer , by chance ? If he or she wasn 't evil , I 'd probably hire him or her to design a new house for me . What 's the name of the mastermind ? Is he or she coming here later ? " I sat on a couch and let out another sigh of relief . " This is officially my favorite couch . " I positioned myself so I was lying down on it , and I continued looking at the kidnapper , waiting for his answer . I watched the woman as she looked around in the cabin , obviously impressed by what it looked like . At first I couldn 't help but to feel a bit proud of myself , of what I 'd accomplished , but soon I wasn 't sure what to feel . My leader 's plan ? I looked at her thoughtfully as she continued to talk . I watched her sitting down , lying down . I pictured myself suffocating her with a pillow as she looked at me , obviously waiting for me to say something . " It 's just me " , I said , busy keeping my anger inside . How dear she thought that someone else had done this , that it wasn 't all my work , that I was a part of something bigger , something that involved a lot more people ? Me not being the center of it all , the reason why things had turned out the way they had ? I bit my lip , leaning towards one of the walls . " There 's no mastermind . And if there is his name is " , I said , suddenly interuppting myself , thinking . Was I telling her my name ? Why would it matter whether I told her or not ? It wasn 't like it was going to change anything really . And then I remembered - she probably already knew my name , since Jason had said it right before I jumped out of the van . I looked at her again . " . . . Neo " , I said , " which is , myself " , I continued , just to make sure that she understood it all . " I 'm not evil " , I said , fighting my anger inside , feeling like screaming at her . How could she be so rude , saying that I was evil ? I hadn 't been evil at all during all this time . " I 've been nice to you , all along . I 've cared for you " , I said , frustrated and upset but keeping my voice in a normal tone , as if we were just having a normal conversation . " I 've done this by myself . Those other guys just helped me get you here . They have nothing else to do with this " , I said , walking towards her . " But since you think I 'm evil , why not have it that way " , I said , grabbing her arm harshly , making her sit up . " I told you to behave , but you 're not . You want me to hurt you ? " I said , seriously considerating it . That would shut her annoyingly curiosity up , I thought . " You want to cry like a baby , do you ? " , I said , pushing her down on the couch again , sitting on top of her , holding her wrists with my hands on each side of her head . Yes , I waited for his answer , but when my brain finally comprehended what he said , he was on top of me , bringing more pain to the already - injured body parts , holding my still - red wrists up like I was surrendering . . . Which I was doing . I gasped at the sudden change of his tone and mood , instantly regretting saying those words . I stopped mid - sentence as yesterday 's events came to my mind in a flash , making my eyes widen . He seemed to be evil in only one situation , and that was at the beginning , when he pointed the gun to my head in the elevator . All this time , he actually cared . The worst part is , I failed to see that it was only him all along . When I asked him why he kidnapped me , he didn 't tell me anything not because it was none of his business . It is his business . He 's the one affected by whatever my father did . No wonder he didn 't want to tell me anything . Guilt overpowered my fear and curiosity , bringing tears to my eyes . I couldn 't look straight into his eyes anymore . I pulled my hands away from his holds and slowly pressed my palms to my eyes . " I 'm sorry , " I whispered , my voice trembling . " If hurting me is a punishment for being so prejudiced and for taking your gentleness for granted , then so be it . " I prepared myself for what would happen next . I felt like I didn 't deserve any of his kindness anymore if I wasn 't even grateful for it in the first place . I looked at her , slightly surprised by the way she reacted to it all . She was willing to get punished , she understood that what she had done was wrong . I nodded slightly at her words , taking a hold of her wrists when she pressed her palms to her eyes . I took them apart , holding her wrists beside her head again . Then I put them above her head , holding her wrists together with one hand above her head . I wanted her to see . I slapped her . One , two , three times , right across her face . I was cold as I watched her , seeing her watery eyes . I let go of her wrists , made her sit up , positioned her so that her back was facing me . I got black tape out of my pocket and started to tie her wrists together behind her back . She hadn 't behaved and didn 't deserve to have her hands free . When I was done with tying her wrists , I left the room . I felt the stinging slaps on my face thrice . I had to bite my lips to prevent myself from groaning from the pain , and soon enough I found myself facing away from him as he tied my hands using something tighter than rope . I presumed it was tape . The moment he left the room , I intentionally banged my head on the edge of the couch . It wasn 't hard enough , since it was covered with some sort of soft covering , but it hurt enough to make my head spin . I suddenly remembered the time when I was hitting my head on the floor of the van , and he stopped me from getting any more injuries . Yup , I definitely took his gentleness for granted . " Damn it , " I said , feeling all my injuries now . It seemed like after he left , the pain magnified , and I could barely stop myself from cursing as I realized that the front part of my body was also badly injured . I did my best to sleep , and it came to me immediately . I felt tears slide down right before I became unconscious . After a while of drinking tea in the kitchen to calm my nerves down , I felt stable enough to go and see what she was up to . I 'd thought about it , realizing that she couldn 't know about it , that maybe I 'd been too hard on her . No going back though , I thought as I put the empty cup in the kitchen cabinet before I went out of the room to check on her . As I got there , I saw that she was asleep . I tilted my head slightly . Was she really that tired ? I went down the basement just to see if things were as they had been before - no windows , a madrass , a blanket and a pillow . No need for her to be down here if she behaves , I thought , as I made my way up the stairs and into the living room once again . I sat down on the edge of the couch , looking at her . It looked like she had been crying . I sighed . Hopefully her father was worried at this point . He was the one who was supposed to suffer , not his daughter . On the other hand , I 'd thought of hurting her as a way of hurting him . Get it on tape and send it . Those other guys , Jason and all , would take care of it , if I just got it on tape first . I looked thoughtfully at her as I went back to the kitchen , preparing some food to eat . Once I had eaten , I went with the plate of pasta and chicken to the living room . I sat down on the couch , watching her as she was still asleep . I got a glass of water , put it beside the plate with the food , and then gently shook her shoulder so that she 'd wake up . " I have food ready for you " , I said as she opened her eyes . Iwaku is a roleplay community . 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I began writing in college as a way to pass the time in between classes . I wrote a short story and sent it to a magazine hoping to get some free criticism from an editor and to my surprise they accepted it for publication . That was the spark that ignited my interest in being an author . It was decades later that Ebb Tide was published but in that time I kept working on my craft . I like to write because it allows me to tap into the worlds in my head and I get the share what my imagination conjures up with my readers . Momentum is crucial to writing . When I wrote For the Love of the Game I had no idea it would be the basis for The Blake Boys series . By the time I tried my hand at the second book , MVP , I knew the characters or actually , they told me who they were and what their romantic journey was supposed to embody . Had they been written at the same time , MVP would have been a totally different book . Writer 's block is alive and well and lurking around every corner . I try to avoid it but when it happens , I ride the wave . I use the down time to give the characters a mini vacation while I gather my thoughts . Music is very important to my writing process . I create playlists for all of the couples in my stories and post them on my website . It helps set the tone and fortifies the geographical locations in the books . The Blake Boys jet sets around the world but their roots are in Texas and I have plenty of country music as well as other genres on their playlists . Many of my readers follow those playlists and it makes me smile when they write and say they listened to it while they read the book . The romance genre is taking on a broader spectrum than ever before and provides various outlets for budding writers . The disadvantages are that the market is raging with so many books , it 's a struggle to be noticed and retain the attention of a reader . That 's where unique content and attracting readers who truly resonate with your work come into play . Channing Blake is an attorney and baby of the brood in The Blake Boys series . He 's a handsome , smart , funny , earthy cowboy who loves his family and living on the Twelve Horseshoes Ranch . Cassidy Shaw is also an attorney . She is beautiful , intelligent , feisty , independent and guarded about many things . It 's her apprehension to trust and be vulnerable that brings her to a cross roads when she and Channing reconnect at a friend 's engagement party . Channing and Cassidy learn together why facing the past is crucial to living in the present , while hoping for a bright future . Were your characters difficult to write , or did they seem to spring easily from your mind to the page ? Channing has been on the series landscape for a while , so it was a matter of fine tuning his character . He 's a Blake so the foundation of his character was already there but he 's also kind of nerdy and reserved compared to his women chasing brothers . Cassidy popped up in my mind one day and it was no looking back as the character told me who she was and a little about her history with Channing . Channing tries to get his love life in order as he returns home to Texas and begins working at his family 's company . His ex - girlfriend Emma wants him back but he 's leery of her motivation for wanting to reconcile . A visit back to DC for a party brings Channing face to face with Cassidy , a fellow law school student that he had a thing for and old feelings ignite . Cassidy disappeared for a year and Channing wants to know why . Her answer sets them on course that will change both their lives forever . The next book in The Blake Boys series is Executive Desires . Shy CFO Bo Jamison has been honing his dating skills since that fateful trip to Las Vegas in Cowboy 's Heart . Bo 's attempt at being a player is short lived when love comes into his life in the most unexpected way . Executive Desires will be book ten in the series and has a tentative release date of July 2015 . Attorney Channing Blake is looking forward to a new chapter in his life . He 's graduated law school in Washington , DC and has returned home to the Twelve Horseshoes Ranch to take a job with Blake Enterprises . But he 's not the only one who 's back in town . Emma Winterbourne , his on - again , off - again girlfriend , has failed to make it in the Big Apple and is back in Texas , looking to pick up where she left off with good old Channing . Although the chemistry between them has always burned hot , Channing isn 't sure he wants to be her whipping boy any longer . But when he heads back to DC to attend a friend 's engagement party , he becomes sure of it . A chance meeting with the beautiful Cassidy Shaw dredges up all the old feelings he 'd felt for her in law school . He 'd dated her once or twice , but she 'd mysteriously disappeared without a word . His attempts to find her had come up empty . He 'd had no choice but to move on . Now , with Cassidy right there , looking at him with that same longing he was feeling , he knew he owed it to himself to follow his heart . But when Cassidy disappears again and won 't take his calls , he knows something isn 't right . Cassidy is keeping something from him , and he 's not above using Blake resources to find out what . Channing Blake gazed out of the window of his elegant office at Blake Enterprises and took in the magnificent view of downtown Dallas . It was a beautiful , sunny day . He could feel the energy of the bustling streets below from the fiftieth floor . It had been six months since he 'd moved back to Texas and begun working for his family 's company , and the transition of moving from Washington , DC back home to the Twelve Horseshoes Ranch was harder than he 'd imagined . He loved country life , but he 'd grown fond of the nation 's capital . He 'd made some pretty good friends while in law school and was sad to see that part of his life come to an end . But there was no place like home , and the family had a lot to celebrate these days . Each Blake took their turn spoiling the newest family member Matt , Tate and Isabelle 's newborn . And his oldest brother J . J . and his wife , Sam , were expecting too . Love was abundant on the ranch , but it seemed to be eluding him . He 'd given up his pursuit of his old flame , Emma Winterbourne , who was content to drop in and out of his life when she pleased . He 'd had a thing for her since high school , and when he reconnected with her a couple of years ago , he thought everything was going great . She drove him crazy with her erratic behavior , and he blamed his inability to completely break things off on their amazing sexual chemistry . They hadn 't been in touch for months , and he had almost started to forget about her . Until she called him yesterday saying she was back in town and wanted to have dinner . Channing plunked back down in his comfortable black leather chair and grabbed one of the law books sprawled across his desk . Leave it to his big brother J . J . to call with a question about some obscure agriculture law in Kentucky while he was supposed to be on parental leave . So Channing had gone five floors down to the company 's law library and checked out a few books . He preferred a book in his hand over Internet searching , and Gertrude , the elderly librarian who was in charge , loved getting visits from him . There was a knock on his office door , and then it opened . " There 's some farm land he 's interested in , and he doesn 't like surprises when he 's negotiating . " Bo shut the door and sat down . " Does he know he 's on leave ? I thought he wasn 't working while waiting for the baby to be born . " Channing laughed . " I think he needs something to do . He 's driving Sam crazy . I went over there for dinner on Saturday . We went to a bakery to get these cupcakes she likes , and when we got back we heard screaming coming from inside the house . J . J . sprang into action and called the paramedics as he 's running into the house . We get to the family room to find Sam watching a hockey game . " J . J . and Sam 's baby was due any day now , and his usually calm brother was bouncing off the walls . " Sam called and begged me to give him something to do . " Bo laughed . " You want to see a movie tonight ? That new action flick is out . We can grab dinner after . " " I blame our adventures in Vegas . Barring the daring escape from the male strip club , I had a good time . Hanging out with no strings attached may be just what I need right now . " " Good for you . Wanna go to DC ? Some friends of mine from law school are having an engagement party next week . Maybe the bride - to - be has some single , stringless friends you can hang with . " Channing heard a ping coming from his cell phone ; it was a text message from Emma . She wanted to know what time he was picking her up . A part of him felt like he was jumping through hoops like he always did when she called . But this time it would be different . They could share a meal , and nothing had to come of it . The sex drought had been going on for over a year . He 'd made the decision to start thinking with the head that didn 't get him into romantic quagmires and spend his time more productively . He 'd taken his precocious nephews to every museum on the eastern seaboard , had a workout routine that could have rivaled his brother Seth 's , and had even helped as a pit - crew member on his brother Tyler 's racing team . Hopefully he wouldn 't do anything stupid tonight . But the temptation to see her again , for better or worse , was just too great to ignore . " Bubba , do me a favor ? Don 't tell anyone I 'm going out with her . I think we 've had enough family discussions about my relationship with Emma . " There was a flurry of activity at his parents ' house when Channing arrived home from work . Bo Sr . was there , as well as Tate and Isabelle with Matt , who was enjoying some good spoiling from his grandparents . He could have gone straight to the guesthouse but no way would he miss out on the fun . The decision to move into his own space occurred one night when he came home and found his parents playing strip poker . He hightailed it out of the living room so fast he narrowly missed knocking over his mama 's favorite vase . But he thought he handled it better than his brother Tyler , who 'd have bouts of hysterical blindness at the mere mention of their parents canoodling . The little ones that flooded the ranch these days were a joy to be around , and he was happy to be an uncle many times over . His baby nephew Matt 's eyes lit up when he saw Channing , AKA Uncle C . J . , so he took his nephew and played with him , confident it would be a matter of minutes before his grandma found an excuse to get her hands on him . Like clockwork , Teri - Lyn came over and said she wanted to change Matt 's clothes for dinner . With all the cooing going on , he eased out of the living room , only to run into J . J . and Sam coming through the front door , and was herded back into the family revelry . J . J . tried to ask him a few questions about work , but Sam told him to give Channing a break . He checked his watch . He had an hour to get ready . The third time he sneaked a peek at his watch to check the time , J . J . and Tate noticed and began giving him funny looks . The window on his self - preservation was closing . Knowing how devious they were , one of them was going to ask him to do something time consuming so that he 'd have to reveal he had plans . One mention of Emma 's name would ignite , in his opinion , an unnecessary discussion . His personal life was private , right ? Uh , no . He was a Blake , and meddling was the family motto . He was finally able to escape when everyone went into the dining room for dinner . He uttered a quick apology to his mama that he was going out with friends tonight . She gave him a kiss and nudged him gently in the ribs , an indicator that she didn 't believe a word he said . He flew over to the guesthouse and changed clothes , trying his best to look casual yet chic with a pair of designer jeans , shirt , and a suit jacket . He didn 't want to look like he was trying too hard to impress her . She knew what she was missing or she wouldn 't have called him . Still , looking good was always the best revenge . A spritz of cologne and a brush through his hair , and he was out the door . The minute Emma opened the door of her sister Penny 's house , his heart stopped . She was just as beautiful as the last time he saw her , but she 'd changed a bit . She had a sleek new haircut with frosted highlights that made her lovely red hair even more pronounced . He could see every curve of her body , the red dress she wore with the plunging neckline left little to the imagination , but he knew that was the point . " Thank you , Mr . Blake . You look as handsome as ever . " She kissed him on the cheek . " You want to come in for a drink ? " " I 'm afraid I 'll have to drive at warp speed to make our dinner reservation . But thanks for the offer . " He wasn 't stupid . He wanted a nice , cordial public date . He didn 't care that " Little C . J . " was screaming at him to end that ridiculous celibacy pact . He 'd steeled himself to the possibility that she may look stunning this evening , and no matter how great the temptation , he could go without having sex for one more night . Emma 's nervous chatter on the way to the restaurant meant that she was anxious about the evening too . She talked about her career and time in New York in both the present and past tense ; he had a hard time keeping up with the conversation . Did she still live there or not ? He remembered it was a bad idea to interrupt her when she was in this manic verbal state and figured she 'd tell him at some point . " That 's terrific . Did Caine try to beat him up too ? " He waggled his eyebrows . Who could forget Seth and Emma 's brother 's brawl at the Bright Star a few years ago ? " No . I never would have asked you out again if I thought Caine would have me on his radar . " He let out a hearty laugh . " Besides , the Blakes and the Winterbournes have been duking it out for generations . My dad says the tension between the families was going on way before Seth and Penny dated . " " I didn 't know that . I 'm back for this weekend 's events , but I 'm also moving back to Texas permanently next month . " She played with her fork . She bit her ruby - red lip . " Things didn 't work out . Turns out I 'm not cut out for the Big Apple . So I decided to come home and find work with an advertising firm here . " When she first informed him of the job , he 'd been delighted . New York wasn 't that far away from Washington , DC . It would have taken a bit of traveling , but he visited Seth , Morgan , and the boys all the time in Philadelphia . It was Emma who had stifled the long distance romance . He suspected she 'd found someone else or had gotten swept up into that sophisticated city living . DC was just as cosmopolitan , but he held on to his country roots a little tighter . He loved going out and having fun , but he still liked staying at home and enjoying quiet moments . He was , for the most part , a homebody , and he longed to find someone who didn 't need constant outside stimulation to keep a relationship going . " I didn 't know there was an us . I thought we were two old high school friends who occasionally slept together . " He was going to hold her accountable for her actions , not matter how pretty she looked . " It feels that way . Did you think about this ? Really think about it ? What I 'm hearing is that New York didn 't work out , and you 're running home to what 's familiar to you . Like I 'm an old pair of cowboy boots that you missed . While you were out exploring the world , I was too . Now that I 'm home working for my family 's company , my priorities have changed . I want different things now . " Thankful for the interruption , he answered the call despite the incredulous look on Emma 's face . " Hey , big brother , what 's up ? Is Sam ready ? What ? I 'll be right there . " " You valet parked , remember ? " Emma stood and touched his arm . " Come on , I 'll drive you . You 're in no shape to do it yourself . " When the valet attendant pulled up in front of the restaurant , Emma took the wheel of his blue Maserati Gran Turismo . Channing didn 't argue . As she programmed his GPS for the hospital and got on the road , he made calls to find out what happened to his father . Sam & J . J . got a call from their mama saying she was taking him to the emergency room , but that 's all he knew . Their father was the picture of health for a man of his age - his mama saw to that - so his mind ran away with the possibilities of what could have happened . Emma was doing a great job navigating his car . She was talking , but the words wouldn 't seep into his head . Finally he made himself focus on the woman kind enough to drive him to the hospital . " This is a pretty big change from that dusty old pick - up truck . It fits your new lawyer image . Did you get a new wardrobe of expensive tailored suits too ? " " As a matter of fact I did . But I still have my truck back at the house . " He grinned . He kept if for sentimental value more than anything . He worked on it more than he drove it . His father had given him that truck in high school , and he 'd had some fond memories in it . " That 's right , we did . " Emma scrunched her nose . " It must be nice to be back to the open country after being in overcrowded Washington , DC . " " I thought I would enjoy New York , but things just moved so fast . Everyone was always rushing from once place to another and didn 't take time to talk to each other . My home sickness became a chronic disease . " Out of the corner of his eye , he could see Emma 's smile disappear at the mention of his brother . The move to Philadelphia when Seth joined the Titans was the final nail in the coffin of his and Penny 's relationship . But that was another lifetime . Seth was happily married with kids , and Penny was engaged to be married . " I know . He 'd write Penny and complain about it . She thought for sure he wouldn 't stay with the Titans for long and would come back home . " She gripped the steering wheel . They reached the hospital in record time . Emma dropped him off at the door and went to park the car . As soon as the doors opened on the third floor , he could see Tate talking to a frazzled J . J . It must have been worse than they originally thought . Isabelle was holding a very wide - awake Matt while trying to comfort Sam , who was sitting in a chair rubbing her belly . He took a deep breath and joined his family . " Hey , Curly , you still up ? " Channing smiled at his new nephew , Matt . He must have been getting ready for bed because the infant had on his jammies , and his trademark curly locks that he 'd inherited from both his parents were tumbled all over his head . " Your mom will be out soon . He 's going to be fine . " Sam stopped her husband with a gentle caress on his arm . She gave Channing the once over . " Where did you sneak off to earlier ? " Emma must have sensed she was the topic of conversation because she nervously adjusted the neckline of her dress so her cleavage wasn 't so pronounced . It didn 't work , so she wrapped the shawl she was carrying around herself . She said hello to everyone and took a seat . She shook her head . " Your dad and I were having some fun cleaning up after dinner , and we … thought we 'd try something new . Well , his foot slipped , and he fell off the kitchen table … " Channing held up his hands . " No . Just , no . " He didn 't want to hear about any shenanigans involving his parents . He was still reeling over the strip poker incident . Teri - Lyn turned to her oldest son . " Your father and I are two healthy adults who still have romantic feelings for each other . Just because you get older doesn 't mean you can 't - " The elevator doors opened at the end of the corridor , and the rest of the Blakes came pouring out . Seth , Morgan , Tyler , Michelle , and the boys came scurrying down the hall as if the world was on fire . Channing shook his head . It was an official Blake reunion . Michelle suppressed a grin and caressed his back . " Tyler , stop it . It 's perfectly natural for your parents to still show love in that special way . " Teri - Lyn giggled . " He pulled something , and that 's all I 'm going to say . Sorry it took so long to come out to tell you all , but your father and I were trying to think of a better story . But then his pain medication kicked in , and he wanted to fool around again . " " John Jacob would have a fit if he knew someone was reading about his private parts in some report . " Teri - Lyn shook her head . " But the good news is I get to see all my grandbabies ! " J . J . started rambling , but Sam stopped him by pulling him down for a comforting kiss . " We 've been doing these drills for the past month . We 're ready . " " Sweet ! The baby will be born the same day Daddy had his s - e - x injury . " Tyler spelled out , mindful that his nephews were within earshot . " You will do no such thing . Take my car . " Channing offered his hand to help her out of the chair . " I 'll walk you out . " As they walked down the long corridor , Channing was grateful that their dinner conversation had been interrupted . He wasn 't quite sure about her newfound interest in starting over , but the turnabout intrigued him . What was it about her that made him suspend common sense ? He 'd asked himself that question many a day . Yes , she was gorgeous and smart , but there were still so many inconsistencies in her behavior . He wondered sometimes if she thought it was a good idea for them to be together or , like him , if her libido overrode logic . Maybe - " I sincerely doubt it , since your family built two of the wings of the hospital . Have you been working out ? Your body 's gotten firmer since the last time we were together . " She giggled and squeezed his bicep . The righteous , long - winded speech he 'd prepared just in case his libido kicked in and compelled him to do something stupid went right out the window . And pulling her flush against him so she could feel how his body reacted to hers was just plain idiotic . If they got caught he 'd never hear the end of it . His family was right down the hall , for heaven 's sake ! It was bad enough his father was lying up in a bed because of his sexual acrobatics at home , and his brother and sister - in - law were having a baby . Getting caught screwing in a private room would be the icing on the cake on an already auspicious day for the Blake family . Channing unclasped her bra and threw it on the floor . Her bare breasts against his chest felt like hot silk against his skin . They fumbled clumsily as she helped him undress , stripping him down to his birthday day suit in record time . He laid her down on the bed and covered her body , parting her legs with his knee . She let out a guttural growl in appreciation as he helped her out of her panties . He reached for jeans , retrieved a condom from his wallet , tore the wrapper open , and sheathed himself quickly . He was going to hate himself tomorrow , but tonight it felt like the right thing to do . He spied the controls on the bed and decided to take advantage . He reclined the top of the bed while maneuvering the bottom portion on an upward angle . Emma wiggled as the motorized bed to inspect his handiwork . Channing thrust into her and repeated his hungry , manic movements . Emma kept up the pace . He was normally gentle and appeasing but tonight he was rough and in control . Emma locked her legs around his waist to keep him place as she trailed kisses down his chest . Channing pumped into her over and over again until Emma called out his name when she climaxed . His body followed hers into the sexual abyss , and he collapsed on top of her . Channing went into the bathroom to splash some cold water on his face to get his perspective back . Falling back into old patterns with Emma was a bad idea . She 'd done it to him again . He shook the cobwebs out of his head and went back into the room . He listened attentively to Emma 's chatter as they finished dressing , noticing the change in her words . She must have said the words dating and exclusive twice , but they were just more words he didn 't want to hear right now . They eased out into the corridor when the coast was clear after two near misses with hospital staff . Channing escorted her to the car , then bade her goodnight . He kissed her even though he felt like he wanted to throttle her . " Let 's get together again when I get back from New York . We have a lot to talk about . " She gave him a hopeful smile as he opened the car door for her . " I 'll have someone from Regency retrieve it tomorrow . " Channing reached inside and squeezed her hand . " Thanks , Emma . For everything . It was really nice of you to stick around , even though there was no actual crisis . " " It 's nice to see people your parents ' age still finding new ways to keep the magic alive . It gives me hope that I 'll be that frisky in my twilight years . " She smiled and pulled off . Channing got Sam 's room number from the nurse 's station and went to check on the expecting couple . He opened the door to find J . J . stroking Sam 's hair and telling her how happy he was about their new family . Always in charge and gruff , J . J . 's hard shell melted away when they were together . He didn 't want to interrupt their moment so he returned to the third floor , expecting an inquisition in the waiting room but it was all but empty except for his brother Tyler . " Tate and Isabelle took the kids back to the ranch . Seth is calling Sam 's family . Mama , Morgan , and Michelle are in the room with old swivel hips . " Tyler huffed . " Before you lie , you have a trail of red lipstick leading down your neck . Look at you , getting lucky in the hospital the same night your poor father 's admitted for hazardous foreplay . " Tyler tugged at his collar to get a better look at the evidence . " Nothing to worry about . I 'm the boring , levelheaded brother , remember ? I never do anything crazy . " Except have sex in an empty hospital room . " That 's what worries me . Even my smart brother isn 't immune to this woman 's wiles . When Emma 's around , you 're sullen , confused and don 't look like you 're having all that much fun . It 's hard to watch . I just want you to be happy . " " So what 's new with you ? Are you taking any time off after that crash ? " The whole family held its breath last month when a car clipped Tyler in his last race and sent him tailspinning into a wall . They were relieved when Tyler climbed out his totaled race car unharmed . " There 's an apartment for sale in Seth 's building . I know she likes the Ashcroft , and she 'd be close to Morgan . " Tyler ran a hand through his hair . " Do you think it 's a bad idea ? " " No , I think it 's great . " Channing gave him a firm pat on the back . " That 's a pretty big step for you . " " Yeah . I 'm hoping she says yes . I don 't want her to think I want to live together because of the accident . " Tyler rubbed the back of his neck . Neither of the women looked convinced . Morgan was staring at his neck , which meant he didn 't get all that lipstick off . Channing excused himself and hightailed into his father 's room . Teri - Lyn fluffed John Jacob 's pillow . " I 'm going to check on J . J . and Sam . I 'll bring you back a sandwich from the cafeteria . " She kissed his cheek before leaving the room . " If this family gets any bigger we 're going to need a bigger ranch . " Channing sat on his father 's bed . " I went into Sam 's room . J . J . looked so happy . " Channing broke into a grin . He 'd had a feeling like that once , the day he met a fellow law school student , the beautiful Cassidy Shaw . When they were together , the world faded away , and he 'd fixate on those sultry brown eyes and perfect lips . She was smart , funny , and determined not to let him win a verbal sparring match . Even when she looked peeved , there was a flicker of heat that flashed in her eyes that told him she felt the connection . After many attempts to get close to her , she 'd finally agreed to go out with him . They spent a wonderful day together museum hopping , and when they weren 't fussing with each , they had a great time . That night when he took her home he went in for the kiss , but she pulled away . A woman like Cassidy did things of her own volition . But he was convinced she wanted that kiss too . He tried to find her before he left DC , but she didn 't seem to want to be found . What would he have said had he found her ? He had no idea , but she owed him a kiss and an explanation . John Jacob nodded in reaction to his smile . " It 's a rare connection , son , that many take for granted because they don 't understand what it is . You either run for the hills or surrender to it . If I were you , I 'd go get her . " Ten fifteen the next morning , John Jacob Blake III came into the world , much to the delight of his parents . J . J . was so beside himself with glee , he gave the entire staff at Blake Enterprises the rest of the day off . Sam was a beautiful new mom . She was a tough lady , but seeing her holding her newborn son in her arms brought out a new side of her that gave Channing a warm feeling inside . A nurse wheeled John Jacob into Sam 's room to see his newest grandson . Bo surprised everyone by dropping by with Bo Sr . , which made the family gathering complete . After debating nicknames for an hour , the consensus was that Jack was the best choice . The baby moved his arms a lot , to the joy of J . J . and Seth , who were certain the baby had football in his future . After a few minutes of trying to get it out , Tyler announced to the family that he and Michelle were moving in together and had made an appointment to see the apartment in the Ashcroft when they returned to Philadelphia . There was a sense of contentment he 'd never seen in his brother 's eyes before . Michelle and Morgan were thrilled and had already started planning a color scheme for their new place . The boys were happy when Morgan explained that Uncle Tyler would still be living in the same building , just one floor down . Channing shook his head , thinking of the new trouble his nephews could find while roaming around the Ashcroft . By the time Channing crawled into bed that night , his thoughts weren 't of his tryst with Emma but of his father 's inspirational talk . His father 's words about Emma not being the one hit him in the gut , partly because he knew it was true . There was a moment they had as a couple , and when she opted to break contact with him , that moment passed . Cassidy crept into his daily thoughts , but when she 'd disappeared on him , he took it as a sign that maybe it wasn 't meant to be . She was friends with Geoff and Hannah ; maybe she would be at the engagement party . If she was , he 'd take it as another sign from the universe that he should pursue her . New life was blooming all around him . Maybe it was time to plant some seeds of his own . Etopia Press is an electronic publishing house dedicated to readers and authors . We 're looking for the best , most unique , most well - crafted stories out there - - and we know they 're out there . By taking advantage of emerging electronic markets and media , as well as existing online and print opportunities , we can provide readers with a wider variety of books and ideas , and give authors an opportunity to get the best editing and cover art in the business . The only requirement : the book has to be good . Good plots , interesting characters , engaging conflicts , well - crafted prose . Write a good book , and people will want to read it . View all posts by etopiapress → This entry was posted in Author Interviews , Contemporary Romance , Romance and tagged contemporary romance , Rhonda Laurel , Romance , tempting fate . Bookmark the permalink . ← Interview with Serge de Moliere Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! 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Catherine stood at the window in the sterile white room overlooking the city of New York . It was late afternoon and she was just back from another degrading prenatal exam , if that was what you could call it . It had included an ultrasound , which had almost made it worth the humiliation this time . She had seen her baby ! Catherine had lost count of how many days she 'd been here . From what she could see of the ground below , it looked like it might be late summer , but it was hard to tell , she couldn 't really see any parks from this spot and very few trees at all . One of the reasons she was so confused about the date was that for a while after she had first been kidnapped she had been kept in windowless cell and had been drugged so many times that she had lost count of the days . She didn 't know how long she had been there before they had moved her to this building . It could have been one day or it could have been many more , she really didn 't know . She did know that she had been in this room at least 23 hours a day for at least 6 months . She also knew pretty much where she was . What she could see from the window told her that she was somewhere just south of Central Park and probably between 8th and Madison Avenues . So close ! She could have walked back to Vincent if she could have gotten out . Her room faced south and she felt like she was close to the top of one of the taller buildings in Manhattan . She could identify several other buildings from her window , like the World Trade Center Towers , but couldn 't really get a fix on exactly where she was , not that it would do her any good if she could ; the place was a fortress ! And the last thing that Catherine fairly sure of , was that she probably wouldn 't live much beyond the birth of her child . She instinctively knew that the man everyone around here called Gabriel wanted her child . She vaguely remembered thinking that she 'd heard Vincent when they had hurriedly moved her from her first prison to this one , so he likely knew about Vincent , and had somehow figured out from all the tests that the doctor had done that the child she was carrying was his . He probably wanted the child for all the reasons that Father had always worried so much about when Vincent came Above ; he likely wanted to do medical testing , and God knew what else . The very thought was terrifying . During the long months in this room she had spent a lot of time talking quietly to the child in her womb . She had talked about Vincent , Father and Mary and all the rest of the wonderful people Below . She had also talked about her own parents , Jenny , Nancy , Joe and Peter . And at the times , especially lately when the baby had been very active , doing what felt like somersaults inside her she had sung her mother 's lullaby to it until it quieted . Catherine sighed then deserted her spot by the window to go sit on the bed and wait for her dinner tray to be delivered . Gabriel paused for a moment as if he wasn 't going to answer , then he said , " I think it was Schopenhauer that said ' the best of all possible worlds is not to have been born . ' " He turned away from the doctor and continued " When I was seven years old my father sold me . . . Children have an immense capacity for hatred ; immense . . . I used to lie awake at night and taste it in my mouth . . . Kept me warm . . . When I was fifteen I came back home and strangled my father while he slept . . . I cherish that day . That day I realized what is truly possible . " The world is a very simple place . . . Gravity ; the fear of falling . That 's all there is . . . " Do you believe in gifts ? And things coming to you in their own time ? I never did . . . I do now . . . " We know that the nature of the pregnancy is out of the normal range ; we also know that the probable father is . . . not an ordinary human , so to speak . We don 't know anything about the physiology of the father , and we don 't know how much the child may be like him . We can 't know ahead of time whether or not the child will be able to tolerate any of the formulas that are made for fully human babies . It might be a good idea to keep the mother around so that she can breast feed him . " As the doctor was saying this , he wasn 't even sure himself if that was his only reason for trying to convince Gabriel to keep the woman alive . Even he thought he might be doing it partly for the sake of the woman herself . To give the two some time together before she was disposed of . " How long do you think the child might need her ? " asked Gabriel . " What I have read recommends that a baby be breast fed for at least 6 months . In this case , she should probably be available for the child until he is able to take all his nourishment from solid food rather than from a bottle or breast . How long that takes depends on how quickly the child develops . Considering the apparent abbreviated gestation , I would hazard a guess that the child wouldn 't need her longer than a year . " Gabriel was quiet for a few moments . " Thank you for bringing this to my attention . I want you to ready her to be moved to my estate . And have all the medical equipment readied to move also . We will leave first thing in the morning . " He leaned over and punched a button on the intercom in front of him . " Pope , I will see you in my office immediately . Doctor , you 're dismissed . " The next morning breakfast was served at the usual time , but this time the nurse actually spoke to Catherine . " Please finish your breakfast quickly , then put on your robe and slippers . We will be taking a little trip . " That said , she turned and left the room . Even though she wasn 't very hungry , she did manage to get down most of the scrambled eggs , toast and fruit juice , and she was obediently sitting on her bed in her robe and slippers when the nurse came back about 20 minutes later . She indicated that Catherine should follow . In the hall they met the doctor . He told Catherine to follow him . They walked down the hall to an elevator where they were joined by a guard with an Uzi . They boarded the elevator and rode up to the roof where a helicopter was waiting . Compared to the quiet of the last months , this seemed like being dropped into the middle of Times Square on New Year 's Eve . The sun was warm and the doctor removed his suit coat , and loosened his tie , then indicated that Catherine should walk across the roof to the chopper with him , when they got to it he helped her into a seat in the back against the far window and then joined her . Catherine 's nerves were getting the best of her ; this was the most activity and noise she had experienced and the first time she had been outside in months . The sunlight was blinding . As she leaned her forehead against the glass of the window , trying to steady herself an involuntary shudder swept through her body . The doctor noticed it and thought she might be cold , so he draped his coat across her . This startled Catherine and her eyes popped open just in time to see another man , one she 'd never seen before get into the seat in front next to the pilot . In a matter of seconds they were airborne . Catherine 's mind was going a mile a minute as she watched through eyes slitted against the glare as the city passed below them . They were heading roughly south , but she had no idea where they might be going . As she shifted a little under the jacket , her hand came in contact with the doctor 's wallet in the front pocket . Without really thinking about it , or about why she did it she stealthily removed the wallet from the pocket , blindly removed several bills , then replaced it in the pocket . She wadded the bills up , wrapped them in a tissue she held in her hand and jammed them into the pocket of her robe . A few minutes later she noticed that the chopper was beginning to descend , and she identified the landing place as somewhere on Staten Island . They left the chopper before the blades quit spinning , and as she slid out of the back seat the doctor again offered his hand to help her . She took it , but released it as soon as she was on solid ground , then she jammed her hands into the pockets of her robe , mostly to keep the money she had just stolen hidden . The man who had been in the front seat was already across the lawn nearly to the house when the doctor told Catherine to follow the guards ; they would take her to her room . The room that they took her to was as different from the previous room as night was from day . The room she had just left was white : white walls , white ceiling , white doors , white vertical blinds at thAfter he closed and locked the door Catherine went to the desk to see what he had brought . There were books on natural child birth " better late than never , I guess , " she thought , and a couple of books on child care and breast feeding . " Maybe they are planning to let me live after all , " she thought ; then carried the books back to the window seat and opened the one on natural childbirth . It was just after lunch when Father met Mary in the corridor outside Vincent 's chamber . Mary was carrying a lunch tray that looked like it had hardly been touched . " Did he eat anything ? " he asked . " Not much , some fruit , a piece of bread some tea , " she said shaking her head . " He has lost so much weight . Most of his clothes are just hanging on him . " Father shook his head too , " Thank you Mary . We all keep trying , but I don 't know that we are doing any good . This obsession is killing him . " He patted Mary 's arm as she resumed her trip to the dining chamber and Father turned to go into Vincent 's chamber . He stood in the door watching Vincent , who as at his table , elbows on the table and his head resting in his hands . " Good afternoon , son . I 'm sorry I wasn 't up when you returned this morning ; how did the search go last night ? " He crossed the chamber and sat in the chair across from Vincent . " As usual , Father . I felt no trace of her . " He didn 't look up as he spoke . " Most of the time I can 't sleep . My mind just keeps replaying the same images , and then if I do sleep I keep having the same dream , over and over again . I can 't rest . " He leaned back and his head rested on the back of the chair as he stared at the ceiling of the chamber . " Images of Catherine , as she was when I saw her last , or from Winterfest or from the times we spent listening to concerts in the park . Images of her on her balcony tending her plants . There are many of those , but the dream is always the same . " " No , Father . Not like that . I 've had those dreams many times , and they always vary . Every time this dream it is the same ; exactly the same . I dream that when Catherine came to me in the cavern when I was ill we made love . . . At first I don 't see anything , then I realize that I am flat on my back on the ground and Catherine is leaning over me . She is sobbing and saying " No , Vincent , not without me . " And then she begins kissing me . At first I only respond to her kisses , but before I know what is happening we are in each other 's arms and she is the one who is on her back and I am looking down at her . I won 't go into details , but we definitely made love in the dream . " " I don 't know , son , anything is possible , I imagine . We were all waiting outside that chamber , hoping that all the awful sounds would stop , but finally Catherine couldn 't stand it any longer and she said she was going to you . I asked her not to , but she went anyway . The sounds went on for a while , then suddenly we all heard Catherine shout your name , then everything went quiet . The quiet was just as unnerving as the growling and roaring had been . I don 't know how long I waited ; it seemed like forever , but it wasn 't long , maybe thirty to forty five minutes , surely less than an hour ; then I went in . I found Catherine sitting on the ground holding you . Your eyes were closed and I wasn 't sure what to expect . I asked her how you were and she looked at me and smiled and said that you were alive . That was when you opened your eyes and looked at her . " " Not that I noticed , but then I wasn 't really looking at Catherine . She could have been wearing clown makeup , and I doubt that I would have noticed . I 'm sorry . " Father shook his head and reached over and patted Vincent 's hand where it rested on the arm of his chair . " Is it possible ? " asked Vincent , more of himself than of Father . " It could be son , but don 't let it eat at you so . It is obvious , that whatever happened in that cavern , Catherine was not harmed . " Father rose to leave and Vincent rose also . He stepped over and embraced Father and thanked him for listening . " Try to rest , Vincent . The dream doesn 't sound that disturbing , after all . " " I 'll try , Father . " Father left the chamber and made his way slowly back to his study where he met Mary as she arrived with a fresh pot of tea . " Yes , but he says he keeps having the same dream . He says that he dreams that he and Catherine made love when she went to him in that cavern when he was ill . " Father looked at Mary with a question in his eyes . " Do you think that is possible , Mary ? " " If she would have confided in anyone , I would have thought it might have been you , " commented Father . " She did talk to me a little about what Vincent had been like when she found him and how he first charged at her , poised to strike , but then collapsed , and didn 't breathe for what seem like forever . She never said that anything else happened . " " Oh well , Mary . I just hope that talking about it might have defused it somewhat so that he can sleep . I have the terrible feeling that he must prepare himself for the worst and if he is in as bad shape as he is right now , he just might not survive bad news . " Father raked his hand across his face and back through his hair . Mary patted his hand when it dropped back to the table between them . " I 'm praying , Jacob . We all are . And I can 't help feeling that although Vincent says that the Bond has disappeared , that he is right when he says he would know it if she was dead . I think the Bond is still there , just diminished in some way . " Catherine 's labor started in the early morning hours two days after the move to the estate on Staten Island . She told the nurse when she brought her breakfast a couple of hours later , and her water broke while she was being taken to the room that had been set up as a delivery room . No one was more amazed than Catherine was when she gave birth to a 6 pound 2 ounce boy a few minutes before noon on the same day . Her amazement was caused by how quickly it all went . In fact it was so quick that Catherine barely had the time to think about the pain . After he was cleaned up the nurse allowed Catherine to hold him and she was finally able to see him . Except for what it looked like would eventually become green eyes that stared back at her solemnly it was obvious he was going to be the image of his father . When Catherine was returned to her room she found that someone had moved a small portable crib to a spot at the foot of her bed . The nurse stayed with her for a while , showing her how to go about feeding him . There was some concern that the cleft lip might make feeding difficult , but after a few minutes he put that concern to rest . After his first cuddle , Catherine put him in the crib at the foot of her bed and then crawled into her own bed for a much needed rest . She didn 't speak , just nodded . " His name is Julian . " He looked back at the baby ; he didn 't seem to expect an answer . " He has a great future ahead of him . He will have the best education , the best care , the best of everything . " He turned to leave the room . " Rest well , Miss Chandler . " And he was gone . Just looking at the man had sent a chill down Catherine 's spine . She rushed to pick up her son . She moved over to the easy chair and hugged him to her . He started to fuss a little and she quickly opened her gown and put him to her breast and he quieted . " You know he is wrong , " she told him as he stared up into her eyes . " Your name is not Julian , it is Jacob . Jacob Charles , I think . After both of your grandfathers . " Over the next few weeks Jacob thrived . Every few days , Gabriel would stop in to see him , but that was the only blot on the days . Jacob slept in the crib in the nursery only during the day . Catherine preferred to keep him near her at night . When she was asked about it , she told them that she was a very sound sleeper and she was afraid that she wouldn 't hear him when he woke during the night if he was in the other room . That seemed to be an acceptable reason to everyone concerned and she was allowed to continue . That wasn 't the real reason . She was working on a plan to escape and she felt that she had to keep Jacob near her and out of the room with the surveillance cameras if she was going to be able to do that . As the season progressed , the leaves dropped off the tree that was growing right next to the porch on the back of the house below her room . She could sit in the window seat and see a drive that was used primarily for deliveries , at the back of the property . There was a guard shack , but no real gate , just a pole that swung across the drive . The small window in the bathroom had no screen and Catherine found that if she opened it , it was only a couple of feet down to the roof of the porch , and the branches of the tree actually overhung the roof near the corner . The tree looked as if it had been made for climbing , with forks and branches in all the right places and the lowest one only a few feet above the grass below . Gabriel himself solved part of her remaining problem when he decreed that ' his son ' , she cringed when he said it , needed to spend time outside in the sunshine and fresh air . The next day she was provided with several pairs of jeans , blouses , underwear , socks and shoes , an oversized quilted jacket and a baby carrier that went over her shoulders . She could put Jacob in the front , keeping him close to her body , but her arms were free . After several walks around the grounds she more or less had her bearings and knew which way she should go if she managed to get out of the house without being caught . There were formal gardens , but she didn 't spend much time there ; Catherine preferred to wander , in what looked like an aimless fashion , but over the first week she counted at least 20 armed guards around the estate . She also noticed that there were fewer guards , actually only two , one in a guard house and one on foot , in the back section of the grounds that she could see from her room . During her wanderings , she tried to give the impression that she was just your average , rather ditzy blond socialite who had no interest in anything but herself and her baby . She didn 't know what Gabriel thought about that pose , but the guards seemed to be buying it . She took to sitting in the window seat where she would watch and time the patrol of the guard on foot . There were three different ones , they obviously rotated their positions , and they were very predictable . Whomever was on duty passed under her window every 12 minutes or so . While observing the guard house at the rear gate , she noticed that the guard who had the weekend night duty wasn 't as diligent as the guard who worked the weekday nights . She watched , as on both Saturday and Sunday night , he propped his feet up on the desk , pulled his hat down over his eyes and appeared to go to sleep . This happened two weeks in a row . She decided that she would have to make her break on a weekend that was overcast or had no moon . She watched the moon for the next few nights and figured out that the next new moon was going to be in about two weeks and it would be close to a weekend . The next two weeks were the longest of her life . By the time that Sunday finally got there she as pretty much a nervous wreck . She hadn 't slept well all week , but she was still determined to do what she felt she had to do . " At least everything is done on a schedule around here , " she said to herself as she was mentally going over her plan . She knew that someone would look in on her around 11pm and then she would be left alone until just before 6am when the outgoing shift of guards would check on her again . If she was lucky , no one would even know that she was gone until then and she could have as much as a 6 hour jump on them . She could possibly even be safe Below , with Vincent before they even knew she was gone . She had put a lot of thought into just that part of her plan : Where to go ? She had considered and rejected several options . Jenny , Joe , Peter or any of her friends were out because she didn 't want to put any of them in danger . A police station of any kind was also out because she didn 't know who could be trusted and who couldn 't . If Gabriel had John Moreno , the D . A . in his pocket , then there was no telling who else he 'd bought . The only place she could possibly go was the tunnels . She just had to make sure that no one followed her and saw her enter . When the guard checked on her at 11 : 00 she was sitting in the easy chair in her night gown , feeding Jacob as usual . The guard gave her a slight smile , nodded and then closed and locked the door . When Jacob was finished she burped him , changed his diaper , put him in a pair of warm footed sleepers and put him in the small crib . Then she dressed herself and put on the baby carrier . She picked up Jacob and tucked him into the carrier . He was oblivious to everything ; he was sound asleep . She tucked a light blanket around him , put a knit hat on his head , and then put on the oversized jacket and zipped it up around both herself and the baby . The last thing she did was retrieve the money from the lamp base and put it in one of the zippered pockets of the jacket . As she raised the bathroom window , her hands were shaking , but she managed to keep steady enough to get through the window . " Don 't even think about it , just do it ! " she urged herself . She closed the window from the outside then slithered across the roof and to the tree where she waited in a shadow for the guard below to pass . When he disappeared she knew she had at least 10 minutes . The tree proved to be a little more difficult than she had expected it to be . It had been a while since she had climbed a tree , and she was out of shape . But she managed to get to the ground intact . She quickly moved into the shadows and made her way to the rear gate . Again she hid in the shadows until the guard passed before she made her run for the gate , staying on the grass so the gravel wouldn 't crunch under her feet . The dependable guard was sound asleep , and she was able to step over the gate , and then move quickly back down into shadows . The adrenalin was pumping and she almost broke into a run then , but thought better of it . " Steady Chandler , " she admonished herself . " The last thing you need is to step in a hole or trip over something . No need to let them drag you back with a broken bone when you 've managed to get this far ! " She moved at a steady pace until she got to th * * * * * * * * * * Around the corner and up a side tunnel the sentry on duty , Kanin , heard the gate then what sounded like someone crying . At first he rationalized that it must be a cat that had got shut in the tunnels , but that wouldn 't have explained the sound of the gate . As he crept closer he was sure it was a woman crying , and a baby . Normally , with an intruder the first thing the sentry was supposed to do was send a message over the pipes and then wait for back up , but Kanin was sure that a crying woman and baby was no real danger , especially since he was just going to peek around the corner to see what was happening . When he looked around the corner he could see a woman sitting on the sandy floor up against the wall , she looked like she was holding a bundle of some sort and from the way she was holding it , it looked like it was a baby he 'd heard . The woman took a deep breath and then leaned her head back against the wall . Her eyes were closed so she didn 't see him , but he could see her face clearly . He stepped out into the tunnel and took several steps toward her . " Catherine ? " Kanin was stunned at what he was seeing before him . Her eyes flew open in momentary panic , but when she saw Kanin and managed a weak smile . " Oh , Kanin ! Am I glad to see you ! " She moved , starting to get up . Kanin rushed over and helped her to her feet . He was holding her upper arms , supporting her and looking into her face . " Where have you been , Catherine ? Where did you come from ? " He put his arm around her and started urging her toward the lighted tunnels . He stopped long enough to tap out a short message on the pipes before they continued . After walking only a short distance they ran into Mouse and Jamie who had heard the message while they were patrolling . After verifying that it really was Catherine , Mouse ran off up the tunnel leaving Jamie to hug Catherine . Jamie offered to carry the baby and Catherine trustingly handed him over . Jamie was curious , and one look under the blanket answered all the questions she didn 't have time to ask . Vincent stood looking at the manhole cover at his feet . He was almost too tired to move it so he could return to his world Below . It had been another fruitless search ; and even though he didn 't even understand why , he felt that he had to end it early this night and go back home . He leaned down to move the manhole cover . He descended the ladder a few feet before he replaced the cover and continued down the ladder . He had only moved along the tunnel a short distance before a report from one of the sentry stations under the park caught his ear . FIND VINCENT AND FATHER . . . CATHERINE RETURNED . . . KANIN . Was all it said , but it was enough to set Vincent off at a run in that direction . They walked in silence for another 5 minutes , Kanin and Catherine walking in front with Kanin supporting Catherine , who seemed oblivious to much of anything , and Jamie bringing up the rear with the baby . They came into a lighted intersection of three tunnels when Vincent appeared out of the tunnel on the right . He stopped when he saw Kanin and Catherine approaching . When Catherine saw him she used the last of her strength to move the last few steps into his arms . Both Kanin and Jamie were wiping away tears as they gawked at them . They only stood that way for a minute or less before the last of Catherine 's strength left her and her knees gave way . Vincent swept her up into his arms and headed back along the left hand tunnel toward the main community and his chamber . Jamie trotted along behind and Kanin returned to his sentry post . When Vincent got back to the home tunnels he was met by Father and Mary . Mary had been up , tending to a baby in the nursery when she 's heard the message on the pipes ; she 'd rushed to Father 's chamber and woke him . Before Father could even ask , Vincent answered his unspoken question . " Very sure , Father . The Bond reappeared completely as soon as I touched her . She is only sleeping . " This time Father stepped aside and let Vincent pass . As Father and Mary turned to follow , Jamie called out . " Mary ? Father ? " They stopped and turned toward her and Mary noticed the bundle Jamie carried . " What is it , Jamie ? " Mary asked coming toward her with her arms out to receive the bundle . Jamie pushed the blanket back from the baby 's face , " Isn 't he beautiful ! " she stated as she handed him to Mary . Mary couldn 't contain the small gasp of surprise as she looked at the sleeping child . She turned so Father could see . " Jacob , look . " Father leaned so he could get a better look and then he too let out a surprised gasp . " Well , I would say that it looks like the dreams weren 't just dreams after all . " He looked into Mary 's eyes and they both smiled . Father thanked Jamie and then he and Mary made their way to the nursery where they gave the newcomer a quick wash , diaper change and cursory medical exam . When Father was satisfied that he was healthy they made their way to Vincent 's chamber . After Vincent passed Father and Mary he went straight to his chamber where he gently put Catherine on his bed . The covers were still turned down where he had left them when he had left earlier in the evening . He quickly removed his cloak and lit a couple of candles before he turned back to Catherine . She looked exhausted but all he could feel through the bond at the moment was deep , dreamless sleep . He gently removed her shoes , then her jacket and a strange contraption that she had strapped across her chest . Thinking it might be a sling , he quickly checked to make sure she didn 't have any broken bones , but found nothing wrong . He pulled the blankets snuggly up under her chin and then pulled his chair over so he could hold her hand and watch over her as she slept . That was the way Father and Mary found him when they entered his chamber with the baby a little later . Mary had been surprised that the child had slept though the clothing and diaper change and was now still sleeping soundly . She had a suspicion that he was sharing his mother 's exhaustion . " Vincent , " Father called as they stood there . " As do you , my boy . But that is not what I am here for . " He and Mary had crossed the chamber and were now standing next to Vincent 's chair . " Tomorrow will be soon enough for me to see Catherine . But there is something you need to see . She brought someone home with her . " As he looked , what he was seeing dawned on him . Father repeated what he had said to Mary earlier " I would say that the dreams weren 't just dreams after all . It 's a boy . " " You look at him and you tell me , Vincent , " was all he said as Mary hugged Vincent and then Father . Vincent was trying to find his voice say something when the baby opened his eyes and stared up at the man holding him . " He has Catherine 's eyes , " he said as he found his voice . Father and Mary leaned over his shoulder to look and they both agreed that he had his mother 's eyes . After a few minutes spent staring at his father the baby closed his eyes and simply went back to sleep . Vincent stared in awe for several minutes , thoughts and snippets of the dream churning in his head , then he closed his eyes and a slight smile touched his mouth as he took a deep breath and relaxed . " Vincent , we can take him back to the nursery , so he won 't disturb Catherine , " offered Mary . He looked up at her and smiled , " No Mary , I think he should stay here . Something tells me that he should be close when Catherine wakes . " " You 're probably right , " agreed Father . " We 'll bring you some diapers and other necessities . " He took Mary 's arm and urged her toward the door . After Father and Mary left , Vincent watched his son sleep for a few more minutes , then he placed him carefully in the middle of the bed next to Catherine . He went around the room putting out all but the bedside candle before he removed his boots and padded vest and crawled onto the bed between the baby and the wall . He turned onto his right side and propped his head up on his hand so he could watch both Catherine and the baby sleep . Before long , he slept too . At Jacob 's first whimper Catherine pushed herself up on the pillows . She barely opened her eyes as she unbuttoned her blouse , undid the front catch on her bra and then reached over and picked Jacob up . She crooned to him as she put him to her breast . As he started to nurse she closed her eyes and relaxed back against the pillows . Suddenly it hit her that Jacob shouldn 't have been in the bed with her and " Where the hell am I ? " popped into her head . She sat bolt upright , her eyes flew open and she looked around the room in panic . The sense of her panic woke Vincent and before she realized where she was he had taken her in his arms . Vincent 's arms tightened as he felt her tears soaking through his shirt . He brushed the hair out of her eyes as he tried to look down into her face . She shifted to look up at him and gave him a weak smile . She sat up for a moment and shifted Jacob to her shoulder to burp then she moved him to her other breast , before settling back into Vincent 's arms . She moved so she could see his face . " Oh , Vincent , it has been so long ! I should have told you as soon as I knew , but the time just never seemed right . I 'm so sorry . " She started to cry again . " Shh , Catherine , hush . Don 't cry . It is all right . What happened before isn 't important . What is important is that you are both here now , and you are both safe . " Vincent kissed the top of her head and held her tighter . " Now I know what you meant when you said that when one gift was taken away another would come in its place . " As Jacob was finishing Catherine heard the 7am sentry check in go out over the pipes . She was burping him when a voice called out hesitantly from outside the chamber . " Nothing , but Livie thought you might need this . " He was carrying Luke 's cradle when he came into the room . " Where would you like me to put it ? " Vincent jumped up to go help him . " Thank you Kanin , this is very thoughtful ! " he turned to Catherine . " Where would you like it Catherine ? " he asked . " Livie put clean linens and a clean blanket in it , so it is all ready for the little one . " He started backing away quickly . " I won 't bother you , I know you are exhausted , Catherine . We will see you later . " He turned to leave the chamber . " Welcome home , " he called back over his shoulder . " Kanin , " called Catherine , " thank you again . And thank you for picking me up out of the dirt down in the tunnel . If you hadn 't I would probably still be sitting there trying to find the energy to make my way here . " Vincent came around to the side of the bed and pulled the afghan away from Catherine and Jacob and then took the baby from her and carried him over to his table . Catherine was hooking her bra and buttoning her blouse as she watched Vincent deftly change Jacob 's diaper . Vincent finished and carried Jacob to the cradle and tucked him in . He sat down on the side of the bed next to Catherine , who looked up at him with a tired smile . " I know there is a lot we need to talk about , but I really don 't have the strength or the sense to speak very coherently at the moment . Can we wait until Jacob and I have rested ? " " We will talk about that later too , " he said . She nodded . " I think I would like to bathe and change , though , " she said . " I think I can stay awake that long . " " You probably would rest better , " agreed Vincent . He went over to his wardrobe and pulled out a robe , nightgown and pair of slippers that she had used when she had stayed after her father 's death . " These are yours , " he handed them to her . " Use the private bathing chamber , I 'll stay with Jacob . " She left the chamber and slowly made her way down the short corridor . The bathing chamber was small , but warm and steamy . " If I 'm not back in 20 minutes , come get me , I will probably be asleep , ' she called back . Less than 20 minutes later she was back in the room still looking exhausted , but she told Vincent she felt better . He made her sit in a chair while he helped her dry most of the water out of her hair . After he saw her tucked into the bed he left to bathe . He thought she was asleep when he came back into the room in his night clothes and robe carrying a large canvas wrapped parcel that he put down next to his table . He finished drying his hair , checked on Jacob , then picked up the parcel and started to assemble it into a cot . Catherine had scooted over to the far side of the bed and now she rose up on one elbow and looked over at him with sleepy eyes . " Vincent , this is your chamber and your bed . If anyone is going to sleep on the cot , it will be me . Just put it over there close to Jacob 's cradle . " She wearily started to crawl out of the bed . " No Vincent , that is the problem , you think too much . Just quit fooling with that thing and come to bed ! " her voice was taking on a panicky sound that he had seldom heard from her . She scooted back over to the far side of the bed . " I 'll stay away from you , I promise . " Vincent heaved a sigh , rose and went around the room extinguishing the candles again until the only light left was what came from the stained glass window over the bed . He took off his robe and put it on the end of the bed with Catherine 's and then got into the bed . He lay down close to the edge and was determined to stay there until he heard sniffles coming from Catherine 's side of the bed . That did it , he couldn 't listen to her cry . He rolled over to the center of the bed and pulled Catherine into his arms and she pushed her face into his chest . She was asleep almost before Vincent had a chance to finish saying " Sleep well . " Catherine and Vincent slept through most of the next 48 hours , waking only when Jacob woke to be fed . At the first sound from him , both Catherine and Vincent would wake . Vincent would get up , take Jacob to a changing table that had miraculously appeared as they slept , change his diaper then take him back to Catherine to be fed . After Jacob finished , Vincent would take him , burp him , then put him back in the cradle . Sometimes he and Catherine would stay up for a short time , to eat a light meal and talk a little , but then they would put out all the lights and go back to sleep . Mary and Father sneaked in several times to leave food , or things for the baby . A couple of times they actually took the baby out with them to show him off to the other tunnel residents , and Peter . Finally on Wednesday morning Catherine woke feeling really rested for the first time since the last time she slept in her own bed . She rolled over to see Vincent sitting in his big chair with his feet on a rung of a chair pulled up in front of him . He had a cup of tea in his left hand and was playing with Jacob who rested on his thighs . Jacob had a grip on the index finger of Vincent 's right hand and was trying very hard to guide that finger into his mouth . And he had both his feet firmly planted against Vincent 's abdomen and was pushing . Catherine rose from the bed and went to lean against the arm of Vincent 's chair . " I am too , " was all she said . Then she leaned and dropped a kiss on Jacob 's fuzzy little nose then one on the top of Vincent 's head . " Is he hungry now , or do you think he will give me time to wash up and get dressed ? " " He seems quite content with my finger at the moment . You probably have time . Mary left you some clothes , " he pointed to the stack of tunnel style clothing on the chair . Catherine made a quick choice and ducked out of the chamber . " I 'll be back in a few , " she called back . When she returned , a breakfast tray had appeared and Vincent was setting the table with one hand as he cradled Jacob in the other arm . Catherine smiled and took Jacob so Vincent could finish and so that she could give Jacob his breakfast . She went over to the stack of baby things and selected a soft , faded receiving blanket before she sat in the chair that Vincent had been using as a foot stool earlier . She deftly opened her blouse , and her bra , had Jacob eating and had the receiving blanket covering the whole process before Vincent even had the chance to notice enough to get embarrassed . Catherine had noticed that after the first time she had fed Jacob in Vincent 's presence , when he had held them both , he had always moved to the chair at his table with his back to them during the process . She didn 't question it now , but filed it in her mind as one of the things that they would talk about later . Vincent quickly ate a little breakfast then excused himself to dress . Catherine managed to eat while she fed Jacob and had him tucked into his cradle when Vincent returned to the chamber . She was sitting in her chair enjoying a cup of tea . She rolled her head to look at him and give him a crooked smile . " I am . If I could keep everything as it is right now , I would . " She put down the cup and rose from the chair . She busied herself , stacking the dishes on the tray which she picked up and carried to the door where she set it outside . She 'd left the teapot and the cups and Vincent sat down and poured himself another cup . When Catherine passed him he reached out and grabbed her and pulled her into his lap . Catherine was stunned at this move , but didn 't hesitate to wrap both her arms around him and bury her face in his neck . They held each other tightly for a long time . Their eyes were on the same level when Catherine lifted her head to look into Vincent 's eyes . She could see a storm brewing in their deep blueness . " Tell me , Vincent , " she said running her fingers down his cheek . Catherine held him tighter and ran her hand through his unruly hair . " I almost got to that point a few times , but I just couldn 't let myself feel that way . I had to know that I would see you again , or I don 't know what I would have done . " She took a deep breath trying to clear the tears from her voice . " For the first 6 months , I was sure that they were planning to kill me as soon as our child was born , but then suddenly things changed . I don 't know what it was , but out of the clear blue they moved me to another location and gave me a stack of books on natural child birth , and child care . I had almost lost hope before that point . That gave me back my hope . " She reached down and put her hand under his chin to tilt his head back so she could see his face . " Vincent , when did the Bond return ? " " Not until I touched you the other night in the tunnel , then it was as if it had never left . " He stopped a moment as if in thought . " Actually , I don 't think it did leave completely . I knew you were alive , but there was nothing else . Your life force was like a candle far off in the distance . I knew it was there , but I could sense nothing more from it . " He unwrapped his left arm from around her waist and reached over to pick his journal up off the table . He handed it to her . " Read what I wrote on September 21st , " he directed . Catherine took the book and flipped though it until she found the correct date : September 21 , 1989 - afternoon Today has been a surreal day . I returned from my search early and went to bed . For a change I actually went to sleep , but I woke in the early morning hours to a strange sound . At first I thought it was something in the tunnels , but then it seemed to be more in my dreams . It was like a heart beat , but it only lasted a few seconds . I had dozed off and it started again , only to last less than a minute . This happened on and off all morning , even when I was awake , coming at quicker and quicker intervals until just about an hour ago , then it suddenly stopped . After it happened the 4th or 5th time , I rose , dressed and tried to figure out what was happening . I thought at first that it might be Catherine 's heartbeat I was feeling , hearing , that somehow she needed me , but it didn 't seem so . I tried to follow the sound , to see if it got stronger or louder if I went in a particular direction , it didn 't , but then the tunnels limit the distance and direction I can travel and since it was daylight , I could not go Above . It was not Catherine , I am certain of that . I can still feel the faint sense of her life force and it was separate from this ' heartbeat . ' " You wrote this in the afternoon of September 21st ? " she asked . " Yes , around 1 : 00 . The heartbeat had stopped as suddenly as it started about an hour before . I had been sitting here waiting to see if it would start again . " Vincent looked at her with half a smile and a twinkle in his eye that she hadn 't seen very often . " Yes , I think so , but it appears to be projecting no more than hunger and contentment or discomfort . If it isn 't him , then I don 't know why I suddenly feel hungry every four hours and seem to have an unusual fixation with your breasts . " He blushed and dropped his eyes to study his hands . Catherine laughed and hugged him . " Well , the breast thing could be purely male ; I haven 't met many men who weren 't fixated on them . Or at least on other women 's , I never had much to be fixated on , until now . " Vincent , looked up at her , gave her a sheepish smile and mumbled something that sounded like " No comment , " before he continued with his narrative . " After that day , I could sense two points out there somewhere , but try as I might , and I did try , night after night , from places all over the city , I just couldn 't get a fix on them . I also couldn 't interpret what it was . " He shook his head . " The dreams should have given me some inkling , though . " " You know me too well , Catherine , " he admitted , looking a little sheepish . They spent the next hour exchanging stories of the time they had been apart . Finally , Catherine told Vincent that she really needed to get information to Joe about what had happened . She was on her feet , pacing like Vincent did when he was agitated . " But I don 't want to go above to his office , to speak to him , Vincent . The idea of setting foot anywhere outside the tunnels right now scares me to death , " she looked like she was about to burst into tears again . Vincent went to her and put his arms around her . " Do you think you could go Above into the home or business of a Helper who has a threshold ? " he asked . " I might be able to do that . Does Peter have his own private threshold ? " she asked . " Yes , he does . Father and I will talk to him and set it up . Don 't worry , we will get Joe to Peter 's sometime soon and you can relay all your information to him then . " Later Catherine and Vincent decided that it was time they introduced Jacob to the rest of the community , so they took him with them when they went to dinner with Father and Mary that evening . William , who was delighted to see them both , but especially delighted to see Vincent in his dining chamber for the first time in months , produced an infant carrier to put Jacob in so that they could eat without having to hold him . With Jacob sitting happily in his seat of honor on the bench between his parents the evening meal turned into the closest thing to a Welcome Home Party that William could come up with on short notice . He even managed to produce Catherine 's favorite dessert by the end of the meal . In spite of the fact that nearly every tunnel resident and most of the visiting Helpers stopped at the table to welcome Catherine home , congratulate Vincent and to look at and coo over the baby , everyone managed to eat a substantial amount of food . Catherine was groaning by the time they rose to leave . " All the meals I got were probably healthy , and adequate , but it all tasted pretty much like cardboard . This has been wonderful ! " She exclaimed as she linked her arm with Vincent as he carried Jacob and they walked back toward Vincent 's chamber . " I thought that the tradition was that no one but the parents knew the name until the naming ceremony , " she said innocently . " Well , that is the way it is usually done , " he agreed . " But don 't grandfathers have special privileges ? " Catherine had just finished feeding Jacob and was preparing to go to the dining chamber for her own breakfast when Vincent came in to tell her that the meeting with Joe had been set up . " Joe doesn 't know exactly why he is going to Peter 's house this evening , but he has agreed to be there . I think Peter told him that he has some information about you . " " Good . I was just wondering how much we should tell him . He is going to want to know why Gabriel held me for so long . It would have been easier to just kill me to shut me up if he had been holding me just because of the information in the book Joe gave me . " She looked up at Vincent as they walked through the corridors toward the dining chamber . " If I tell him it was because he wanted my baby , then he is going to want to know why Gabriel would want my baby ; then he is going to want to see the baby , or if I tell him that the baby isn 't there , he is going to assume that Gabriel still has him and then there will be hell to pay . He will leave no stone unturned trying to find the child . " " I was thinking about the same things . Joe might need more information than we would ordinarily feel free to give him , but I am going to trust your judgment , Catherine . If you and Peter feel that it is necessary to tell Joe about me , or even about the tunnels , then if that is what it is going to take to put Joe at ease then do it . I will wait in another room with Jacob and will join you at any point if you want me to . " The meeting was scheduled for 7pm , and Vincent , Catherine and the baby were in Peter 's kitchen a little early . Peter hugged Catherine and welcomed her home , then took Jacob and started reminiscing about when Vincent was a baby . The doorbell rang promptly at 7 : 00 and Peter went to answer it . He led Joe into the living room , took his coat and offered him a cup of tea from the pot on the tray before he took a seat in the chair across from the sofa Joe was seated on . " You had better have something good , Dr . Alcott , " he said . " I was suspended in September and Moreno isn 't going to give me the time of day unless I have something that can be substantiated . Peter didn 't have a chance to open his mouth before Catherine walked into the room . " Would the victim in the investigation be enough to make him sit up and take notice , do you think ? " she was asking as she walked over to where Joe had jumped up from his seat on the couch . " Cathy ! " was all he could say at first . He grabbed her hands and then pulled her into his arms and hugged her tight . " My God ! You look like you have been through hell , " he said , referring to the dark circles under her eyes , " and you 're nothing but skin and bones . " He sat down on the couch and pulled Cathy down to sit beside him . " Thanks Joe , you always were one to make a girl feel great about herself ! " she laughed . " Where have you been Radcliffe ? " he asked . Joe reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a small notebook and a pen . " Always prepared . " He said with a boyish grin . " Go ahead , start at the beginning . But first , seriously , how are you ? " " Don 't worry , I won 't try to talk you into coming back to work , " he grinned . " At least not until you say you are ready . Now , tell me your story . " " As you know , I was in the parking garage . I was pulling out of the space and someone walked up to my car and pulled a gun . I didn 't recognize them . I floored it and got away . They were shooting at me and I probably should have kept going , but I thought I would be safer if I went back inside the building , so I left my car and ran to the elevator . After the doors closed , I got my gun out of my purse . The elevator stopped at a floor I didn 't push and I had my gun pointed at the door when it opened . I was relieved to see John and what I thought were two plain clothes police officers standing there , so I relaxed . Then John nodded , walked away and the guys grabbed me . " " You 're trying to tell me that John Moreno , the DA , kidnapped you and held you for 8 months ? I find that hard to believe , Cathy . " It was Joe 's turn to shake his head . " No , what I am telling you is that John allowed it to happen . He sicced his goons on me and then walked away . They took me to someone else who tried to get information about Hanlon 's book out of me . " Cathy put her hand on Joe 's arm , " Please Joe , just let me tell you the story , this isn 't easy . After I 'm done then you can ask all the questions you want . " " I 'm sorry , Cathy . I can see that you haven 't been on a vacation in the Caribbean ; I didn 't mean to jump on you like that . I 'll keep my yap shut until you are done . " It took Catherine a quite a while to get the whole story out ; she told it as succinctly as she could . Vincent was in the kitchen listening and could feel her fear , anxiety and pain through the bond as she told it . He wished he was where he could give her more physical support , but settled for holding Jacob in the kitchen . Catherine ended her story at her escape and the cab ride to Manhattan , letting Joe assume that she had come straight to Peter . " Cathy , I 'm in shock . I don 't know where to begin my questions . I 've got a million . Did this guy , Gabriel , get any information about Hanlon 's book from you ? " he asked . " I really don 't know Joe . I didn 't really have any information to give . I left the book with Elliot and he was going to have an expert look at it to see if they could decode it . From what I know about those drugs the person who is being questioned is asked specific questions and they usually answer only those questions , they don 't volunteer information . " Joe nodded " I 'll see about getting the book from Burch . I wonder why he didn 't hand it over when you went missing . " " If they were able to decode the book , it might have had Moreno 's name in it ; Elliot wouldn 't have known who he could trust with the information . " She pointed out . " Why would he want your baby ? Hell , let 's go back to the beginning here . I didn 't know you were pregnant , who is the father ? " " Damn , I was afraid he would ask this , " she said to herself . She glanced at Peter , who smiled encouragement . " Joe , actually , no one knew I was pregnant . I didn 't even know until I gave blood at the hospital when you were hurt . The nurse told me that I shouldn 't have and when I asked why , she told me I was pregnant . I didn 't even have the time to tell the father before I was kidnapped . " Cathy laughed , " Rest assured , Joe . My mystery man isn 't Elliot . " She took a deep breath and decided to keep the story as close to the truth as possible . " His name is Vincent . I met him during that time I disappeared after my face was slashed . He found me in the park where those men had dumped me . I was bleeding heavily and he was afraid that I would bleed to death , so he took me to his home to his father , who is a doctor . His father treated me and they nursed me and took care of me until I recovered enough to go back home . " " I 'm not sure Joe , " she dropped her eyes and studied her hands . It was hard to lie to Joe , and she was afraid he would see it in her eyes . " Maybe he couldn 't have his own , I don 't know . I only saw him a few times , but he struck me as being more than a little strange ; it 's hard to tell what his motive might have been . " " Not their minds , Joe . I don 't think there was a ' they ' behind any of this . I think it was all this Gabriel . I think I was just kept alive for the baby . Something made Gabriel decide that the baby would need me after he was born . He probably did still plan to kill me , just not right away . " Joe looked from Peter to Cathy , assessing the situation , " OK , Cathy . I 'll leave it for now , but eventually I want to meet this guy , and I sure want to see your baby , " he finished with a grin . " It is hard to picture you with a baby , especially since I never saw you pregnant . Now that would have been a sight . " " Not much . It is obvious he is quite rich , and has a lot of resources at his fingertips ; helicopters , people , facilities . I 'm hoping that it all shows up in that book . That Hanlon worked for him and put it all down in black and white . " Joe ran through the rest of his questions and took meticulous notes . " This isn 't going to be easy , Radcliffe , " he said as he pocketed his notebook and pen . " The hardest part is going to be finding out who can be trusted . I know that Greg Hughes is OK and , Diana Bennett is probably clean . " " Yeah , a cop with a special investigations unit of the NYPD . " She has been on your case for a couple of months . I haven 't talked to her lately , ' cause Moreno suspended me almost two months ago . Now I know why ; I was probably getting too close to the truth . I 'm due to go back to work in a couple of weeks , and when I do I 'd better not even think about you around him or he will have me bounced again . I 'm going to need to find some people I can trust before I spring all this information . I 'd like you with me when we arrest John . Do you think you can do that ? " " Joe , I 'll do what I have to , but you should have it set up so you can move on everyone at the same time or as close to it as possible . If you move on one without the other then you are going to lose someone , they will run . Talk to Elliot , you can tell him I 'm OK , if he doesn 't believe you , remind him of the time I asked for the explosive favor , then he 'll know you are on the level . Just tell him not to tell anyone about me . Find out what they found out about the book . " There 's a judge , he was a friend of my father 's and I would bet the farm that he isn 't in anybody 's pocket . His name is James Carlyle . He is as honest as they come . You can probably get all the warrants you need from him . I 'll talk to him if you want me to . If not , just use my name . " " OK , sounds like a plan . You should probably stay out of sight until it all comes to a head . Hell , I would put you in protective custody , but I don 't know who I can trust , " he ran his hand through his hair . She gave him her trademark Cathy smile , and patted his hand . " I will be . I 'm healthy , just beat . I 'm getting plenty of rest . . . Is there anything else , Joe ? " " About this guy , you 're involved with . " He looked from Cathy to Peter and then back at Cathy . " Are you sure he 's OK , he 's going to look after you and your baby ? " " Actually , come to think of it , I heard the name Vincent a couple of times . Diana has been working the case and she went through stuff in your apartment looking for clues and she said she found books and notes with his name on them . She came and asked me who he was , and I didn 't know . He was pretty much our prime suspect , our only one actually . " " Joe , Vincent . . . well , he 's different . He stays away from strangers , because sometimes people find him frightening . He just doesn 't go out much . " Joe studied her for a moment , then rose to take her hands again . " I trust your judgment , Radcliffe , " he smiled as he hugged her again . " I 'm just glad you 're back , safe and sound . Are you going to let Jenny or Nancy know ? " Cathy heaved a sigh of relief at the change of subject . " Not just yet . I want to get all this cleared up first . I 'll let everyone else know soon . " Catherine nodded . " He 'll probably need it to get the warrants . I can do that . I 'll take care of it tomorrow and get one of the Helpers to witness it for me . Then we 'll get some one to take it to him . " Catherine was clearly exhausted and Vincent suggested that they go Below . They thanked Peter for his help and made their way back . " I think it went pretty well , " said Catherine , glancing at Vincent . " He wants me to write up a statement for him ; I 'll do that in the morning . He said that he would move on it as soon as he can gather enough people he knows he can trust and gets all the proper paperwork . " " No . I told him a little about Vincent , but only that he was ' different ' and didn 't go out much , " said Catherine . " I think we gave the impression that Vincent lives with you somewhere secluded , but no specifics . " She and Vincent exchanged smiles . Catherine stifled a yawn , and Vincent was immediately at her side . " Father , Catherine is tired , it has been a trying evening . I think I should put both her and the baby to bed . Is there anything else you need to know ? I can come back . " " No , no . Go , you need your rest too . You both have a lot of rest to catch up on . I will see you tomorrow . If I think of anything else it can wait until then . " She turned from tidying the changing table , " No , Vincent . What did you want to talk about ? " She went over to the bed and sat down on the side of it . Vincent turned his chair to face her . " You 're sure you 're not too tired ? " " I did , then , but I 'm in a different place now ; my priorities have changed , and saving the world isn 't that high up on my list right now . In fact , when I asked you to meet me before I was kidnapped , that was one of the things I wanted to talk to you about . " It was her turn to stare at her hands . Vincent moved from his chair to sit on the side of the bed next to her . He took one of her hands in his . Then reached over and tipped her head up so he could look into her eyes . " Tell me , Catherine , " he said with a smile . " Well , naturally I was going to tell you that I was pregnant , and give explanations for that , if they were needed . " He could feel her tension . " Catherine , surely you realize that I know where babies come from ? " he said to break the tension . She gave a little giggle . " Of course , I knew that you understood the mechanics of it , but I wasn 't sure if I was going to be able to convince you that you had actually engaged in the required activity , since you had no memory of it . " She patted his hand then scooted up to lean against the pillows piled against the head board . Vincent turned to face her , drawing his leg up onto the bed and leaning on it . " If it had turned out that the news that you were going to be a father hadn 't been too overwhelming then I as going to spring my plan on you . " " Well , it is still what I would like to do , " she grinned . " Only now I don 't have to worry as much about talking Joe into to letting me quit . . . I was going to ask you and the Council if I could be allowed to move below . " She paused and was surprised when Vincent didn 't protest that . " My plan was to live below , here with you and our child . Knowing the possibilities , I knew he couldn 't be born in a hospital above . . . " She hesitated moment . " Let me begin this at a more logical place . " She smiled at Vincent again . " When my father died , he left me a rather large estate . Before , I had a small trust fund from my Grandmother , I owned my apartment , Daddy gave it to me as a gift when I graduated from law school , and my car . I also had pretty hefty savings and investment accounts . " " Well , I guess you could say that . Before Daddy 's death , I didn 't have any problem paying my bills , even before I met you and changed my ways ; when I treated shopping as a recreational activity . A couple of weeks after Daddy died , I had an appointment with his financial advisor and he filled me in on everything . I was in shock . Not only was I to receive an income or settlement from his law firm , but he had investments that were doing very well and he had substantial real estate holdings . In addition to the place in Connecticut , and his place here , he had purchased several properties all over the city . There are a couple of apartment buildings that he had planned to renovate and offer as low income housing ; several warehouses that I am not sure what he planned to do with , and an office building . " Almost before I left the financial advisor 's office I had a plan . I wanted to start right away , but I wanted to have it all thought out and on paper before I started . Then circumstances put things on hold . I wanted to go ahead with the low income housing , but also thought I would hold some of the apartments out for people and children from Below who were going to move Above to find jobs or go to school . The office building will be the perfect place for free medical and law clinics for the people of the neighborhood and for Helpers . The top floor of the building has a large loft style apartment that I can use as an Above address . When I get the yen to practice law , I can work at the law clinic . We could have it checked to see if we could access it directly from Below . " Her eyes were glowing , as she related her plans to him . " That is certainly a change of heart that I am grateful for . Tell me why , Vincent . " She rocked forward to sit cross legged on the quilt , resting her elbows on her knees . " While you were missing , I had a lot of time to think , and I realized that it is not my place to tell you what is good for you . " He moved a little closer and took her hands in his . " Every time you wanted to move forward , I pushed us back , and my reason was always that it was for your own good . But you are a grown , intelligent woman , not a child who must be protected from making ill considered decisions . You had every right to expect our relationship to progress ; for me to allow you to think for yourself instead of impose my fears on you . While I searched for you , Catherine , I promised you and any God who was willing to listen , that if I ever found you . . . when I found you , that I would no longer try to put those restrictions on you . " " Oh , Vincent ! I am so sorry . I didn 't mean to be so vague . I came here with every intention of staying for as long as you would have me stay . I don 't want to ever leave again , not permanently . And if you will allow it , I want to stay here , in your chamber , with you , if you don 't find Jacob and me to be too much of a disruption . " Catherine sighed contentedly . Although Vincent was talking like he was willing to keep moving forward in their relationship , she wasn 't going to push or try to rush anything . She was going to let him make all the moves . " At least if they happen at reasonable intervals of time , " she thought to herself with a small smile as she nestled in his arms . Then she made one quick decision . She pulled back a little and looked up at Vincent . " Can I ask a favor ? " " Would you kiss me , please ? " She pointed to her lips , " Right here , not on the top of my head or my forehead or cheek ; on the lips . Do that now and continue to do it regularly , and I will be content ; at least for a while , " her eyes twinkled at him as she tilted her chin up and turned her face toward him , expectantly . He studied her face , and her lips for a moment before he slowly lowered his head toward her . There was as slight tingle as his lips met hers . It was a chaste , almost brotherly kiss ; lasting only milliseconds longer than the one she had given him that time at her threshold after her father 's death , but it was a kiss , and when it ended he didn 't look away , or look uneasy . He initially pulled away a little to look at her then he pulled her back into his arms and held her for several minutes , before insisting that she needed her rest . As she snuggled down into the comfortable bed , she smiled to herself " Welcome home , Catherine , " she told herself . " Soon , Father , I was just on my way there . " He sat in a chair across the table from where Father was reading . " I have a question . " " Do you think it would be possible to enlarge my chamber ? There is a little used storage chamber next door . If I could make an entry from my existing chamber into it and then block the door from the passageway , it would make an ideal nursery . And Kanin once told me that the chamber behind mine could probably be accessed with very little work . It would make a good sleeping chamber , leaving my existing chamber as more of a living area or study . " " Of course I do , son . I may be getting old , but I am not senile and I do finally see what has been in front of me for several years now . I should have seen it when Catherine went to such lengths to rescue us when we were trapped in the maze . " He placed the book on the desk then leaned forward to pat Vincent 's knee . " She is a wonderful woman , she has gone through hell to be with you and to make sure your son is safe . She loves you , and I don 't know how or why I ever doubted it . " He sat back in his chair , putting his elbows on the arms and clasping his hands across his chest . " So when are you going to marry her ? " he asked with a merry twinkle . Father just chuckled as Vincent looked down at his knees and shook his head . " I don 't know if it might not have been better when you were warning me to stay away from her . " He rose and turned toward the door . Over the next few days , Vincent fulfilled Catherine 's wishes by kissing her at odd intervals ; he was finding it easier each time he did it . One time he had even surprised her , and himself , when he had kissed her on the back of the neck , in public , no less . They had been standing inside the entry of the dining chamber talking to Kanin and Livie . Catherine 's hair had grown quite long while she was gone , and she had taken to braiding it and pinning the braid up ; the back of her neck just looked too tempting and before he knew it he had succumbed to that temptation and kissed her . Catherine 's surprise and pleasure surged through the Bond , and the intensity of it had amazed him even more than the fact that he had actually done it . Catherine 's reaction had distracted him so that he didn 't notice when Livie quickly hid her smile behind her hand and gave Kanin a quick , meaningful look . " Well , whatever it was , I hope it comes over you a lot . " She put Jacob in the cradle then changed the subject . " Kanin came in this afternoon and took some measurements . What is going on ? " " That is wonderful ! " she hugged him from behind where he sat in his chair . He reached around and guided her in front of him and into his lap . She wrapped her arms around he neck and hugged him again . " I didn 't know there was another chamber behind this one . " " There is , and it is about the same size as this one . " He nodded at the stained glass window . " That is the only opening into it at the moment . Father had the window put in when Devin and I were young , because we were always crawling through into the other chamber and he said he was afraid one of us would get hurt doing it . We always thought it was probably more because it was a place we could get to that he couldn 't follow , because of his injury . We considered it our private clubhouse or lair . " He smiled at the memory . " Kanin said that he can make an opening where the window is . We will carve out a niche in the wall behind where we decide to put the bed , and put the window in it . We can keep it lit with a long burning candle just like we do now . We plan to start work on the opening to Jacob 's chamber first . Kanin said he will drape a tent over the area where we will be working to keep the dust and chips out of the rest of this chamber , even though we will be doing most of the work from the other side ; then once we get that done and make that area livable , we can move our bed in there temporarily while we work on the opening to the other chamber . " " I know , but it is just nice to hear it from your lips . ' Our son ' , ' our bed ' , ' our chamber ' ; ' our ' is such a lovely word , " she sighed and nestled closer . His arms tightened possessively , " I have been thinking ' our ' for quite some time , I just haven 't said it . . . I love you , Catherine , " her arms tightened , almost convulsively . " I guess I don 't say that enough , either , " he conceded . As many members of the community as possible were gathered in Father 's study on Sunday afternoon for the Naming Ceremony . Everyone , including Mary and Father had been trying to get Catherine or Vincent to tell them ahead of time what they were naming their son . They had even resorted to trickery , but nothing had worked . The baby 's name was still a mystery when the ceremony started . Father 's table , which was usually piled high with books , had been cleared and was now piled with gifts . Father stood behind the table and Vincent , holding the baby was on his right with Catherine beside him . When the crowded room quieted Father began : " It has been said that the child is the meaning of this life . Today we celebrate the child - this new life that has been brought into our world . We welcome the child with love , that he may be able to love , we welcome the child with gifts , that he may learn generosity , and we welcome the child with a name . . . " Father was startled , and then smiled and looked at his feet for a moment . Before he looked up , Catherine was hugging him and kissing him on the cheek . Then the whole community was crowding around to officially welcome little Jacob home . " This meeting of the council is to consider a request to move to the tunnels . The request is being made by Catherine . " He looked at her . " Catherine , would you please give us your reasons for wanting to join our community ? " " Ahem ! " father cleared his throat . " We usually listen to the petitioner , before we vote . " " We don 't really need to listen to this one , " said William . " We all know her , and I vote ' yes ' ! " The council meeting was over very quickly and finally Father , Mary , Vincent and Catherine were able to gather around father 's table with the faithful teapot and cups . Mary was holding Jacob and Catherine was pouring the tea for a change . " Thank you , Catherine , " said father , after they all had their cups . " For pouring the tea , Father ? " she asked . " Well , for that too , but actually for my first grandchild . He looked pointedly at Vincent with one brow raised ; Vincent suddenly took a great interest in his tea . " My pleasure , Father , " said Catherine with a big grin , also glancing at Vincent . " We could really get confused around here once Jake starts talking , " pointed out Catherine . " We all call you Father , so will Jake call you Father , or Grandfather , or Grandpa , or Gramps ? " she chuckled . " And what will he call Vincent ? Father ? Dad ? Daddy ? Papa ? " " I like Daddy , " put in Vincent . " That is what you called your father . " Vincent reached over and took her hand and squeezed it . Catherine was surprised that Vincent would like the more informal name . Later , after Jacob was in his cradle and his mother and father were relaxing Vincent commented on Catherine 's surprise . " I don 't know , only that I would have expected something a little more formal , that 's all . I like ' Daddy ' too . I like picturing you as ' Daddy ' . I can 't wait to hear Jake call you that . " The next day , Peter sent word that Joe wanted to meet with Catherine at Peter 's house on Tuesday at 2PM . Vincent was teaching a literature class , so Catherine left Jacob in the nursery with Mary and had Geoffrey accompany her to Peter 's . Peter wasn 't home and she arrived early and was waiting in the hall when the bell rang . She checked through the peep hole and after assuring herself that it was Joe and an attractive redhead , she had Geoffrey open the door as she stepped back . Joe looked at the boy with surprise , but didn 't hesitate . He and the woman came in and Geoffrey closed the door behind them , then Cathy stepped out of the shadows . The woman gave her an assessing look as Joe hugged her . " Cathy , you are already looking better than you did last week , " he said as he stepped back . " Thanks , Joe , I 'm feeling much better too . " " I got in touch with Burch right after I talked to you , and his expert had deciphered most of Hanlon 's book . It was like you said , he didn 't know who to trust once he saw the names in it . But it helped Diana and me figure out who we could trust as we put together this task force . Diana broke in , " I was amazed at the amount of corruption in the city government . I 'm sorry you got caught up in the middle of it all . This Gabriel guy 's machine is huge ! It has arms that go internationally . So far we figure that once we bust it here , the FBI and the CIA will probably wind up being involved . Possibly even INTERPOL . " Yes , " answered Joe . " More than enough to take care of this . Our plan is to move on Gabriel first . We found the building that you described , the one where he held you for all those months . It looks like that his organization only had the top 4 floors . One of his holding companies owns the building , but the other floors appear to be legitimate businesses , but they will all be checked out thoroughly , believe me . The floor where you were and the other 's that they used are all now deserted . Looks like they moved out pretty fast . We had warrants , but we sent in an undercover unit , disguised as a cleaning crew , to go over it . There is not much left , but we did find some stuff that we were able to get prints off . And we were able to get a perfect set of your prints off the window in one room , so we can prove that you were there , " he said with a grin . " Any other prints ? " " We have a ' go ' from the Police Commissioner , " said Diana . " And everyone who will be involved is on standby , but we haven 't set a date yet ; more for security reasons than any other , but I don 't think it will be more than a week . We plan to move on Gabriel in the early morning hours , just before dawn , then as soon as we get that wrapped up , we will move on Moreno in his office . " Catherine thought for a moment . " Call Peter , here at his home number , and he can get a message to me very quickly . " She scribbled a number on a piece of paper and handed it to Joe . " I can get ready then come here and wait . Call me here and I can be at the DA 's office in 5 minutes , 10 if I have to walk . " She gave it another moment 's thought , " Actually I can probably walk it faster than if I wait for a cab . The offices are only a few blocks from here . " " I have to admit that the very idea of walking even that short distance to the DA 's office building is a bit daunting ; just being in a crowd like that , in the open makes my heart flutter a bit , but I think I have to do it . Seeing John Moreno arrested will give me closure on that part of my life . I felt so betrayed by what he did . I trusted him . " Her eyes teared up . Vincent moved to sit on the side of the bed with her and put his arms around her . " And so did Joe , " said Vincent . " I guess you both need to see this through . We can ask someone to walk with you , " he suggested . Catherine nodded . " That might actually help . Do you think Jamie would be willing to do it ? " She smiled and hugged him around the waist before getting up to find a piece of paper to make her list . The next morning , everything she had asked for , plus a few extra items were stacked on the table in the center of the room . How Vincent had managed to get in and out , between feedings and never even be missed by Catherine was a mystery to her . There was a note on top of the stack . She hadn 't chosen anything special , just a pair of black tailored slacks , comfortable shoes , a red turtle neck sweater , her trench coat , a pair of leather gloves and a scarf . All the cosmetics that she had requested were there in a box , along with a bottle of her favorite cologne that she hadn 't requested ; she hoped everything hadn 't dried out and was still usable . On top of what she had asked for , Vincent had also brought several pairs of her jeans , some sweats , sweaters , just about all of her panties and bras and a couple of her prettiest nightgowns and robes . She smiled as she looked at the pile of lingerie , picturing Vincent as he made the selections . The message came over the pipes from Peter just as Catherine was finishing up feeding Jacob in the early hours of Friday morning . Catherine was putting the finishing touches on her light makeup when Jamie arrived . She was wearing her Above clothing : jeans , a turtleneck sweater and a denim jacket . She sported a bright red scarf and gloves and looked more like she was going to a party than being Catherine 's security blanket for her walk to the DA 's office . Catherine went to Vincent in his chair and kissed him lightly . " Wish me luck , " she whispered . Vincent 's hand went up to the back of her head and he pulled her back down to him , " God speed , my love . Be careful . I will be with you every step of the way . " Then he kissed her very thoroughly , causing Jamie to clear her throat and step back out of the chamber . The sun was just rising when Catherine walked into Peter 's kitchen , followed by Jamie . Peter was there , drinking coffee . After removing their coats , Catherine and Jamie helped themselves and joined him at the table . " Ok , then get your butt over here . We just saw John go up . I 'll be in front of the building , just outside the doors . I 'll meet you there . We have people , mostly plain clothes , stationed all over our floor . We will all gather outside John 's office . We move no later than 0745 . If you aren 't here , we go without you . Got it ? " Catherine hesitated slightly before taking a deep breath and skipping lightly down the stairs of the stately old brownstone . She moved and looked a lot more light hearted than she felt . The morning foot traffic was light here , but she knew that the crowd would grow as soon as she tuned onto 64th a couple of blocks away . She glanced at Jamie who was right beside her . " Just a little shaky . " She smiled . " I just hope I don 't break out in a panic attack or hives or something . It 's hard not to look over my shoulder . " Jamie linked her arm in Catherine 's as they hurried down the street , trying to look inconspicuous . Catherine 's common sense told her that there was no way that any of Gabriel 's or Moreno 's people could possibly know where she was , but her paranoia kept her moving quickly as she slid sidelong glances at the people who moved around and past her . At 64th the crowd on foot had grown , New Yorkers making their way to work on a nice , sunny , late autumn morning . They turned to the left and joined the throng , hurrying toward their destination . It was chilly , but Catherine was sweating inside her trench coat ; nerves , she chided herself . Her mouth was starting to feel dry and cottony and her heart was beginning to pound and work its way up into her throat . She stopped on the sidewalk and took several deep breaths , trying to calm herself . Jamie stopped next to her . " You can do this , Catherine , " she said . " Just think of what he did to you , you need to help put him away . " This was drawing the kind of attention she knew she didn 't need or want right now , so she forced herself to move on even though the noise of the traffic and the people was beginning to overwhelm her . Jamie stayed close and kept talking all the way . They arrived in front of the building had been nearly a second home at times , to see Joe standing by the entrance , as promised . He made eye contact , glanced at Jamie with a frown then nodded and indicated that she should follow him inside . She glanced at her watch , it was almost 7 : 40 ; it had taken longer to get here than she had thought it would . She turned to Jamie before she followed Joe . " Thanks , Jamie , I don 't know that I would have made that walk without you . Tell Vincent I love him and that I 'll be home as soon as I can . " She hugged Jamie and ran up the steps after Joe . She pulled the collar of her coat and her scarf up around the lower part of her face as she stepped onto the elevator behind Joe . They stood shoulder to shoulder pretending not to know each other . As they stepped off the elevator at their floor , Catherine noticed there were an unusual number of people just hanging about nonchalantly ; they all looked toward the elevator as she and Joe stepped off . Diana fell into step beside them as they made their way to the office of the District Attorney . John Moreno was on the phone when Joe Maxwell and two women walked into his office unannounced . He nodded to them , he recognized Detective Bennett , but the other woman had part of her face covered and was keeping her head down . He finished his conversation and hung up . " Joe , what are you doing here ? You aren 't due back to work for another week . " He noticed that neither Maxwell nor Bennett , looked happy . Joe wrapped his fingers around Cathy 's arm and pulled her forward as she raised her head and unwound her scarf . " John , I just wanted you to see somebody before I turn you over to one of New York 's finest . . . Cathy , say ' good morning ' . " Catherine stepped in front of Moreno 's desk . " Good morning , John . " She said quietly . " Although I will venture to say that we have just effectively ruined your Friday , and probably your whole weekend . " Moreno stuttered as he tried to dissemble , " C - C - Cathy ! This is fantastic ! " he started to move out from behind his desk toward them , Diana drew her weapon and motioned for him to stop . " What 's going on , I was just going to welcome Cathy back . We 've been worried about you ! " " Come off it , John , " said Joe , looking like he had a bad taste in his mouth . " Don 't try to feed us that crock . I have Cathy 's statement . " Cathy had been watching every move Moreno made , now he leaned tiredly against his desk , looking defeated . " I trusted you , John , " she said quietly . " When those elevator doors opened and I saw you standing there , I was relieved , I thought I was safe , but you betrayed me . " Cathy moved aside as Joe opened the office door and beckoned to one of the uniformed officers waiting outside . Diana kept her weapon drawn until the officer had Moreno cuffed . As the officer and Moreno were leaving , Moreno stopped in front of Cathy . He raised his head and looked at her . " For what it is worth , Cathy , I 'm sorry for what you went through . " " I am now , " she returned the hug and stepped back . She looked from Diana to Joe . " Thank you . It would have been good just knowing that both Gabriel and John were behind bars , but actually being in on this part was better . I feel for John 's family , though . " She added . Diana shook her head , " He is the one that should have thought of them before he got involved in this . " She shook Joe 's hand and then turned to Cathy and took hers . " It was nice working with you both . I hope I get the chance to put away some more bad guys with you again soon . " She smiled at them both and left , closing the office door behind her . " I ask again , " said Joe , noticing that Cathy was trembling a little , " you OK ? " She nodded , " I think so . Now that the adrenalin has quit pumping , I think my blood sugar has dropped . I was too nervous to eat anything before I left Peter 's . " " No , actually , Sammy , the lunch guy is out there with his cart , only a few hours early , and he said to give it to you . On the house . " Joe looked a little puzzled . She smiled , put the note in her pocket and as Joe watched she polished off the bagel in record time . " Do you still have that really bad coffee around here ? " she asked , looking up at him with a smile . As they emerged from the office they were buried by an avalanche of friends and coworkers all wanting hugs and explanations . Joe was trying to supply the explanation when Rita fought her way though the crowd . " Yeah , I am . Just in shock . That was the mayor , not just his office . He is appointing me interim DA to fill the rest of Moreno 's term . He wants me down at his office for a news conference ; he wants you there too , Cathy . " The room erupted , people congratulating Joe and shaking his hand . " I always dreamed of sitting at that desk some day , " he admitted as people started to drift back to their desks , " but I didn 't want it to happen quite like this . " Cathy stopped and hugged him , " You 'll make a great DA , Joe . Will you run for the office when the term ends ? I 'll vote for you ! " she grinned . " I have a couple of years to make that decision , " he said . " Before we leave , I need to make a phone call , " said Cathy . " I need to ask Peter to call Jenny and Nancy and give them warning . I don 't what them to hear about my return and everything that has happened on the TV . I have a feeling the Mayor is going to tell the whole story at this news conference . " As they were leaving the building Cathy spotted Sammy in the lobby . She asked Joe to wait a minute and ran over to the cart . Sammy smiled at her and handed her a scratch pad and a pencil . Cathy grinned and scribbled out a note and handed it all back to him . " Thanks , " she said and ran back to Joe . Joe hailed a cab and he and Cathy were on their way to the mayor 's office as Sammy handed the note off to another Helper who delivered it to another who handed it off to a sentry Below , who gave it to Mouse who delivered it to Vincent , in a classroom , less than 15 minutes later . He left the class reading aloud and stepped out into the corridor to read the note . Thank you , I needed that ; the bagel and the words . Lots of news , Joe is the new DA . I have been summoned to the Mayor 's office with him . I will be back as soon as I can . " Joe , let me be honest . I am breast feeding , I last fed Jacob around 5am , and I am really getting uncomfortable , " she actually winced as she buttoned her coat over her aching breasts . " To be frank , I am in pain . " " Please , make my excuses to everyone . I 'll talk to you on Monday about the job , but right now I have to go . " She made a dash for the door and was out on the street before anyone but Joe noticed she was gone . She quickly surveyed her surroundings ; she didn 't know any of the tunnel entrances in this part of the city , although she knew they were here . She hailed a cab , and gave him the address of her apartment . The threshold in the basement would be safe to use this time . When she started down the ladder into the sub basement , Vincent was there waiting , with Jacob . " I sensed your discomfort , " was all he said as he handed her the baby and led her over to a secluded spot where she sank to the floor and prepared to feed Jacob . When Jacob was settled and feeding , Catherine looked up at Vincent with as much gratitude and relief in her eyes as love . " I had a heck of a time getting away . " She smiled , " I finally had to tell Joe exactly what the problem was to get him to let me go . I think I embarrassed the poor man . " " I can sympathize with him , " said Vincent as he looked into her eyes , avoiding looking lower . " You know , Vincent , you can look , " she told him gently . " In fact , what you did that first time , right after I got home , when you held both of us while I fed Jacob ; I really liked that . It felt like you were sharing in the experience . That is the only bad thing about breast feeding ; you don 't get the opportunity to feed him . " Vincent smiled down at her . " I fed him several times today , " he said as he moved and sat down beside her . He didn 't put is arm around her as he had that first time , but at least he was closer than he usually was when she fed Jacob . " And , if I allow myself to , I can share the experience empathically . " She smiled and dropped the blanket on the changing table and moved to sit at the table across from Vincent . " There was one more thing that I didn 't tell you about today . " She had considered not even mentioning it , but felt like he had to know all the facts . " What is that , Catherine ? " he asked , closing the book he held . " Well , at the Mayor 's instigation , Joe offered me a position as a Deputy DA . " Catherine watched as Vincent 's lips compressed and he closed his eyes . " At least a Deputy DA stays in the office and courtroom and isn 't often in danger , " he thought . " What did you tell him ? " he asked . " I told Joe that I had to talk to you before I could make any decisions . " Vincent opened his eyes and looked at her , " What do you want to do , Catherine ? " he asked . His feelings were being pulled both ways , " She is so good at what she does as a lawyer and she loves it , I want her to stay here with me , with Jacob , but I can 't be that selfish and ask it of her . " She leaned forward and caught his hand that was resting on the desk . " What I don 't want to do is hurt you , Vincent , " she said . " He 's always been so proud of what I do for the world Above , but I hope he doesn 't want me to take this job ! " Vincent removed his hand from under hers , got up and walked to the other side of the chamber and stood with his back to her . " I think that should be secondary , Catherine , " he said . " You are talking about your career here . You worked hard to become a lawyer , and you 've always done good work at the DA 's office , you could do more as a Deputy DA . " " Do you want me to take the job , Vincent ? " she asked . " What I want is for you to be happy . If taking that job will make you happy then you should take it . " He still didn 't face her . " But I need more than that , Vincent , " she prodded . " Do you want the mother of your son to be a Deputy DA , or do you want her to be a ' stay at home mom ' who runs a neighborhood law clinic in her spare time ? What would make you happy ? " Vincent finally turned to face her . His expression was as stone like as any on Mt . Rushmore . " What I want ; what makes me happy isn 't important . " He stated flatly . " But it is ! It 's important to me . If you aren 't happy , then I can 't be , " she was almost in tears , but Vincent stubbornly stayed on the other side of the room . " Well , that is what would make me happy . I would be happy being a mom , living here with you and working on a case here and there when one caught my interest . But you 've always told me that my place is Above because I do a lot of good work in my job at the DA 's office . But I can do good work at a neighborhood law clinic too . Vincent , I don 't want to be a Deputy DA , " there were tears in her voice when she made the last statement . Almost before the words were out of her mouth she found herself on her feet with Vincent 's arms around her . She could hear his chuckle as she pressed her cheek to his chest . " I think we have a small misunderstanding here , " he said as he tipped her head back so he could look into her eyes . " We both seem to be arguing the same side of the question : you don 't want to be a Deputy DA , and I don 't want you to be a Deputy DA unless you want to be one . So I don 't think we have a problem . " Catherine studied his face for a moment then burst out laughing and rested her forehead on his chest . " I 'm going to have to get used to the ' new Vincent ' , " she said . " I 'm so used to having to argue that point with you . First you agree without an argument that I should live here with you , now you agree that I shouldn 't take Joe 's job offer . " She gripped his vest and shook him a little , then grinned , " Who am I going to argue with ? I 'll have to call Joe once a week just to get a good fight . " " I 've been waiting for just the right time for this , but it just doesn 't seem to come . " He smiled at the worried look on her face as he squatted down in front of her and took her hands . " Catherine would you do me the honor of becoming my wife ? " The look of love and hope glowing from his eyes was blinding and she just sat looking at him with her mouth hanging open for a moment . " Catherine ? " the glow was fading and he was starting to look worried again . " Oh my God ! Yes , yes , yes ! " she was punctuating her yes 's with kisses all over his face . Vincent , remembering the last time they were in this position reached up and was pulling her lips down to his when a summons came over the pipes ; Catherine recognized his name , but nothing else . He diverted his aim and placed the kiss on her forehead and heaved a sigh . " Hold that thought , " he said rolling to his side and getting up , then helping Catherine to her feet . " We will continue this conversation when I return , " and he was gone . He was back a few minutes later , " There is a problem . There has been a small cave - in in one of the seldom used tunnels on the outer rim of the community , no one was hurt , but several people took shelter in a side chamber and are now trapped . There is another route , but I am the only one who knows it . I will have to go get them and guide them back here to the hub . " He picked up his cloak . " I understand , " she kissed his cheek . " Be careful and hurry home . " Vincent caught her chin and gave her a quick , passionate kiss that left her slightly weak kneed . " As I said , hold that thought . This shouldn 't take long . " About two hours later , Jamie came to tell her that they had just received a message that Vincent , Mouse and a couple of others had reached the trapped people , cleared the entrance to the chamber they had sheltered in and were on their way back . It would take them about 2 - 2 ½ hours to make it back to the main tunnels . Catherine glanced at the mantel clock , it was after 11 pm . He wouldn 't be back until very late . She got Jamie to stay with Jacob while she made a quick trip to the bathing chamber , then she fed Jacob and crawled into the big lonely bed by herself . She struggled up sleepily and took him from Vincent . She was then surprised when Vincent snuggled up next to her to hold her while she fed Jacob . She relaxed against him as he put his arms around them both . " Yes , it was a Helper bringing back a group of children from a museum trip and dinner . No one with them knew anything but the regular route . The Helper is safely back home and the children are all in their beds . " " Father assigned someone else to it . I don 't have to be anywhere tomorrow until late afternoon . " As he was talking his left hand was making seemingly random circles on her stomach where he rested it under her arm that held Jacob . By the time Catherine shifted Jacob to the other side , she was slightly breathless and she was wondering what was going on . She didn 't dare hope , did she ? She was resting against Vincent 's chest , his heartbeat had remained even and steady , his breathing was normal , and from what she could tell , he was totally relaxed . She , on the other hand , was reacting in the extreme to his casual caresses and the occasional kiss she could feel him dropping on her hair ; there was a fire building low in her belly and her confusion was growing just as quickly . She leaned forward to burp Jacob , as Vincent slid to the side of the bed ready to take him and change his diaper . Standard procedure for the past couple of weeks of sharing a bed had been for Catherine and Vincent to retire at different times , Catherine usually going earlier . And when they did both retire at or near the same time they would each stay strictly to their own side of the bed , even though that invariably changed after they went to sleep and quite naturally gravitated toward each other . They often woke in each other 's arms . This early morning started out no differently ; Catherine moved to the extreme inside of the bed facing the wall , but when Vincent joined her in the bed , he laid down facing the center of the bed for a change . " Do you remember what I said before I left this evening , Catherine ? " he asked quietly . " That 's a good thought , " she agreed , cuddling closer and fitting her head into his shoulder , she hugged him ; still not pushing her luck too much . She placed one hand tentatively on his chest , but didn 't move it . He tucked her head more securely under his chin and returned her hug . The feel of her in his arms - - it felt right . She trusted him . She had trusted him from the beginning ; she 'd seen him at his absolute worst and her trust had never failed . More than that , he could sense across the bond that she loved him and desired him . . . only that had the power to frighten him . He was a little clumsy ; Vincent was , after all , an inexperienced lover . He was a little awkward , and still scared that he might lose control and hurt her ; because of that he was gentler than he probably needed to be , but he took the initiative . Catherine felt him relaxing his vigilance as they touched . They took their time ; there was no rush now . He could feel her response through their Bond and it encouraged him toward the passion and intimacy they both wanted . She could almost feel the dark shadows receding from his soul . Finally , they both shuddered to completion , collapsed then lay breathing hard , eyes closed . He had one arm around her waist and his head rested on her shoulder . She stroked his hair back from his face as he tilted his head up to smile at her . Just before he drifted off to sleep , he slid a leg across her . She snuggled into his embrace ; he was holding her as if he never wanted to let her go . Three hours later , like a little wind up clock , Jacob woke and was demanding to be fed . Vincent was still half asleep as he disentangled himself from Catherine and crawled out of bed to get Jacob and take him to the changing table for a fresh diaper . He was halfway to the table before he realized he was naked . Catherine watched the whole scene from her warm nest in the bed and had to stifle a giggle when she saw that it had just dawned on Vincent that he didn 't have any clothes on . Watching him , trying to be nonchalant as he changed Jacob 's diaper was both amusing and endearing . Catherine was ready for Jacob when Vincent brought him over to the bed . As soon as Catherine took him , Vincent snatched up his robe and put it on , and it was none too soon . No sooner had he tied the belt when Mary called out from the open chamber door . Vincent turned and snatched a blanket out of Jacob 's cradle and draped it over Catherine to preserve her modesty as he called out for Mary to enter . " I 'm sorry to disturb you so early , " she smiled at Catherine . " But Lily said that she left her back pack in the chamber they were in last night after the cave - in . She is very upset because the book she is reading for your Literature class was in it . " " I think I remember seeing it , I thought she picked it up before we left . Tell her a group is going to that area today to clear the fall , ask them to look for her backpack . She 'll have it back in plenty of time for class on Monday , " said Vincent . " Not this time , Mouse , " he said rolling his eyes up toward the ceiling . " I didn 't get back here until very late , and I 'm still tired . I need to get some more sleep . " Mouse brightened at that . " OK , good . Sleep is good , make up for all the sleep you didn 't get while Catherine was gone . " He turned and rushed out of the chamber . " I did too , " commented Vincent as he sat on the side of the bed . " But Jacob had other ideas , " Vincent glanced back at his son and Catherine . I intend to go right back to bed as soon as he is done . " " I 'm glad I didn 't disturb you , if you hadn 't answered I was going to leave a note . " Father smiled at Catherine . " Joe Maxwell just called Peter and gave him a message to pass to you . He said that they matched fingerprints from the building you were held in with people , including Gabriel that they arrested at Gabriel 's . Joe said they 've been able to charge Gabriel and his people with a ' list of things that is about as long as your arm , ' and John Moreno has agreed to ' sing ' in return for being allowed to plead guilty to a lesser charge . " Catherine smiled and thanked father for delivering the message . Father turned to leave and Vincent rose to follow him out . " I 'll return in a few minutes , " he said to Catherine as he left . He left Catherine puzzling over Vincent ; she just didn 't know what was going on in his head this morning . She had placed Jacob in his cradle and returned to bed when Vincent came back into the chamber . Before putting out the candles and crawling back into the bed he placed his chair in the open door of his chamber . " I told father that we wanted to plan a wedding and that you would let him know when . Then I said we didn 't want to be disturbed for the rest of the day , and I asked for his assistance in both matters . He said he would , but suggested the chair as an extra deterrent , " he kissed Catherine thoroughly and pulled her even closer . " I am looking forward to having that new chamber opened up so we can move our bed out of Grand Central . "

This is a blog of our family stories . A few , with the help of our cousin , Ruth , will be about our great grandparents who immigrated here from Sweden . Many will be from our mother , Maxine , who was a wonderful story teller . The rest will be of our own family and friends . We hope others will share their own family stories . This is one of my most vivid memories of my childhood . I was six and Linda was eight . I was a great fan of a lot of the westerns on television and as a result , kept begging my dad to get me a horse . One day he told me that our friend 's mother , Imogene , told him to bring me over to ride her pinto pony . I was so excited . The only other time that I had ridden a horse … well , it was a pony … was at the drive - in movies . They had ponies connected together in what looks like a big wagon wheel … a pony at each spoke . I was probably five years old and in love with that pony . I remember as I held the saddle horn , wishing that we did not have to be walking in a circle . I think every child was probably wishing the same thing … but for some reason , my pony got disconnected and began trotting through the aisles of cars . How exciting for me . I was giggling and loved the sound of my voice as I was bouncing on the saddle . People were grabbing for the pony from their cars and there was quite a commotion behind me as people on foot were chasing us . Of course , the pony was eventually stopped and my wild ride was ended . My dad had to assure the men in charge of the ponies that his daughter was not traumatized and would probably want another similar ride . Anyway , back to my next ride … this time on a real horse … not a big one , but for a five year old he looked gigantic . Dad put my sister on the saddle first and walked her around the field while my mother and I watched from the fence . I hoped that he would let me ride on my own and not hold on to the halter , but I knew he wouldn 't . Linda 's ride was over and it was my turn . How wonderful ! I felt so tall and grown up as I looked down at everyone . Dad told me to relax and hold the reins but that he was holding the halter since I did not know yet how to ride a horse . He told me the horn was really not to hold onto , but if I felt like I was going to fall to grab it . He told me a lot of things about how to ride , but what I really wanted was for him to let me do it on my own . Suddenly , the horse started dancing sideways and trying to rear . I grabbed that horn and was quite thankful that Dad was able to get the horse under control … although it was still dancing . That is when we saw the bees ! The horse had stepped in a nest of bumblebees . They were swarming around us in a fury . I will always remember my dad 's words . " Jackie , sit very still . Do not move . We are going to slowly walk to the gate . When it is opened I will take you off the horse , and you must walk slowly to the house and get inside . Do not make jerky moves or the bees will follow you . " He saw Linda and Mother at the gate and told them to open it and head to the house . Linda got wide eyed and opened the gate . She waited for me and we went to the house . The last thing I remember is my mother running through the field . She was screaming and rolling on the ground . She looked like a cartoon character that was being chased . We were so frightened , but Imogene rushed us into the house and would not let us out . We finally saw mother crawling up to the house , worn out . Her pants were wet where she had actually peed her pants . That really scared us . If you know Maxine , our mother , she always looked perfect in her clothes … . now her blouse was torn and dirty , her glasses were gone , and her hair was a mess … yes , her hair was a mess . Mother was sitting in the kitchen with us surrounding her in great concern . Imogene asked each of us to check and count our bee stings . By this time Dad had returned with the glasses and checked Linda and me . Linda had a bee sting on her eyelid and her eye was already swollen shut . She had another sting right where her arm bent and it was swollen too . I don 't remember having one sting , but Linda told me later that she thought I had at least one . . " I don 't know … I don 't think I have any , " she said … a bit sheepishly . We all looked at Dad and realized that he had so many stings we could not count them all … most of them on his head . Imogene put a baking soda water mixture on the stings , but we knew he would probably have to see a doctor . I don 't know how he did it , but he drove us home … . and I think he went to bed . The doctor came to our house and was quite concerned that there were so many stings in my dad 's head . My dad missed at least a week of work … which was quite unusual for him . I don 't remember much about his recovery , except that we tried to be very quiet and that his room was kept dark . Maybe Linda can add something if she can remember . After everyone was back in good health we were able to look back and laugh at the whole thing . It was remarkable that Mother did not have one sting , yet she was the one we were all concerned about . She never was able to live down the jokes we made about her crawling up the steps to the porch . Somehow , I knew that if I asked to go back for another ride on that beautiful pinto pony , the answer would be NO … so instead , I found that riding Mr . Walker 's ( who lived down the road ) steers … was almost as good . My mother , Maxine , died two years ago today . I posted this on my Facebook page and decided to write another " Maxine " story . The first thought that crossed my mind was when someone snatched Maxine 's purse … . so that is the one that I will write . Whenever she would visit friends or relatives for a weekend , she would need a new outfit . She wasn 't like some people who buy a lot of clothes and never wear them . She just never had to wear the same outfit for weeks . She also liked to shop for fabric which she used in sewing more clothes … designing her own patterns or changing patterns she bought so that all of her clothing had the " Maxine Touch . " One early evening my mother and her friend , Betty , drove to Franklin Park Mall . They often returned empty handed , but made sure to enjoy a treat while out … . usually a hot fudge sundae . Betty stopped by my mother 's house as she was the one who usually drove . Maxine was not comfortable with her own driving skills ( this is a whole different story … . her driving escapades ) so Betty wisely chose to be the driver . Mother had only gotten her driver 's license after my father died … . she was 67 at the time . ( This does not count the short time she had her license in Indiana when we lived in the country and I remember at the young age of five crouching on the floor of the back seat praying that we would make it home in one piece . ) Maxine and Betty So , back to the story . Betty and Maxine were out for the evening . By the time they got back to Maxine 's house , it was dark . This was not unusual as they never felt unsafe , even though many women their age might want to be home before dark . They were both in their mid - seventies … Betty two years older than Maxine . Betty drove up the short driveway ; Maxine got out of the car and turned to walk up the steps to the house . With no sound to warn her , someone came from behind , grabbed her purse , ran down the drive , jumped into a waiting car and sped away . Mother screamed . " I never thought I could make such a scary , guttural sound come out of my mouth , " she would say later . " I 'm sure I sounded like some wounded or trapped animal . I must have screamed out all of my fear because the next thing I remember is jumping back in the car , looking at Betty and saying , ' STEP ON IT ! ' as she was wheeling out the drive . " " Don 't get too close , or they will know we are following them ! " Maxine said . " Oh no ! They just turned . We can 't lose them ! " Betty turned , gunning the car so that she would not be stopped at the light that was just turning yellow . And it is here that I would love to embellish the story with a car chase through the streets of Toledo … but I can 't . It would not be right to change the story ( although , I think Maxine might have made it a bit more exciting ) . What you read is what really happened . " Oh my , no ! You can 't ruin your car . Sneak up slowly and let 's get their license tag number . You remember the letters and I will remember the numbers . " And … this is what they did . The light turned green and they watched the thieves drive away . Betty returned to the scene of the crime , where mother 's neighbor , Harriett ran out her door to see what had happened . She had heard mother scream , but by the time she had opened her door , she only saw Betty 's car speeding down the road . Mother began to shake as the realization of what had happened returned to her . Harriett and Betty walked her into the house where they called the police . A policeman arrived , took down the information . He said that there had been other such purse snatching incidents … that the thieves would follow women as they left the mall and one would get out of the car , grab the purse while the other was in the getaway car . He gave instructions of what mother should do and expect . She was not to go pick up her purse or any of its contents if someone called to say it had been found . She was to tell the person that she could only pick it up at the police station … that the police would come to get it . In the next month , two people found items from mother 's purse … her license and some credit card and billfold with no money in it . The police told mother that they traced the license tag of the car and found that it belonged to someone who said he had loaned his car to some friends that night . Mother thought that that would be the end of the investigation and was glad to at least have her license and credit cards . Two months later , Mother got a call that said that the thief had been apprehended . There was nothing else that she needed to do , but they wanted to inform her . Soon after , she received a letter from the police department . I don 't know the exact wording , but this is part of what it said . I know she kept the letter , and I will probably find it as I finish unpacking all of the boxes I still have stacked in the closet . She was quite proud that she and Betty probably saved someone else from getting robbed by these two men . Betty and Mother would often tell this story … laughing at the split second it took to decide whether they should ' RAM ' EM ' or not . I 'm glad they chose to take down the license tag number … but I , too , am proud that my mother and Betty had the courage to act and be a part of catching those two purse snatchers . My mother did not call me often while I was at school . ( I was a guidance counselor in a middle school . ) So , when I got a call from her and heard her frightened voice , my ears perked to attention . " Are you sure it is not one of the cats ? " I asked . I guess that was a silly question , but it filled in some time for me to figure out how to handle this call . I did not want her to panic any more , but I was concerned . I was twenty - five minutes away and could not be of much help . " No , the cats are upstairs with me . Oh there is goes again ! " I could even hear it … a low growl that sounded like a trapped , scared animal . Before I write more , I need to describe the condo . It had an open design with open stairs going to the top floor . The top floor had two bedrooms and two bathrooms . Of course , there were doors to these rooms , but there was no door at the stairs . The middle level had the living room , dining room , kitchen , breakfast nook and half bath . The open stairs divided the living room and dining room . There was an enclosed patio outside of the breakfast nook and a deck overlooking a ravine outside the living room . The open stairs to the lower level also had no door and went directly to the family room where mother had her sewing area on one side and I had my computer on the other . This room had a patio where we could walk out the sliding glass doors and enjoy the beauty of the ravine . There was also a stand - alone fireplace … one of those cone looking ones standing on a tiled area . That whole side of the room was a series of huge windows where we could each sit at our sewing machine or computer and view the trees and wild life . There was another bedroom and bathroom on this level and in the back was the laundry room and storage area . The condo was perfect for us … lots of space … lots of windows … we could look out and feel we were living in a forest . " Oh no ! … Aztec is going downstairs ! ! " These words got my brain back in action . Aztec was our male cat and I was sure he was headed down for a fight . " Mother , call Kevin ! " Kevin lived about ten minutes away , but he was always available when we needed a helping hand . That was still ten minutes where she was in danger . " Mother , call Sally . She lives next door and she can come right over . Maybe you should go to her place until Kevin gets there . " Just then there was a loud screeching that sent shivers up my spine . " Call , Sally and Kevin now and then call me right back . " I hung up the phone and wondered if I should drive home or wait . One of the science teachers , Andy , happened to come to my office and I told him about the wild animal . He lived out in the country and knew a lot about wildlife so I asked him if he had any ideas of what it could be . " We see raccoons , squirrels , deer , feral cats , groundhogs , and foxes that come up from the ravine … but we have never had any attempt to get into the house . Maybe Mother did not close the door completely . She often sweeps the patio in the morning … but still , why would a wild animal come inside ! " " Sally is on her way and so is Kevin . It 's kind of quiet now . " Of course , the minute she said that , another hissing and growling sound came from the basement . I had Andy listen . His face looked as puzzled as I felt . " Here comes Aztec running up the stairs with his tail all puffed up ! " I felt so sorry for Mother . Her voice was shaking … so unlike her . " Sally 's here ! She has a broom ! I 'm going to hang up now and call you back later . " Jackie , it could be an opossum . I just haven 't heard a raccoon sound like that . Do you want me to get a net and go over there ? I could find someone to cover my class . " " Thanks , Andy . Kevin is going to be there too … so let 's wait . I 'm sure Sally will get mother out of the house . I 'm just concerned about the cats … " Andy went back to his classroom and I stayed in my office staring at the phone . I was getting ready to leave for home when the phone rang . It was Mother . " It 's okay , Jackie , " she said light heartedly . In fact she was chuckling making it difficult to understand what she was saying . Finally , in her own words : " When Sally got here the growling from the family room was loud and scared her too . She decided to wait until Kevin got there so that they could work as a team . Kevin got here and was carrying a shovel . He looked so nice in his suit and tie . We waited for the animal to growl again , but this time it screeched . I could tell that Kevin was surprised and that he had probably thought I was exaggerating … but now he knew . He said he would head down the stairs first and Sally could follow if she wanted to . He would try to get to the door and open it so that the animal could run out . " HISS GRRROWL " Oh the poor trapped animal … I just wanted it out of the house . Anyway , Kevin slowly descended the stairs … one step and then rest … one more step … rest again … trying to look into the family room without getting attacked … all the time holding the shovel for protection . Sally was close behind him with broom in hand . It was like a choreographed scene … they moved together in time … one - step rest … one - step rest . I could not just stand and watch them so I joined … . but carried nothing for protection . I was gripping the handrail tightly as I watched Kevin get to the bottom step and move toward the sounds . It must be in the fireplace . Remember , Geoff opened it last time he was here and there was a dead bird ? But no … the fireplace was empty of wild animals . " SCREECH ! ! ! ! " I feared the animal was about to attack Kevin , but instead he started to laugh . ' Come here , Maxine , ' he said to me . I went down and saw the cutest little Siamese cat on the computer monitor jumping around and chasing a mouse . It was the screen saver that Jackie had gotten the night before . " GROWL " again came … but this time it was from the speakers . But why would this screen saver sound like a wild animal ! Kevin solved that . " Maxine , you have the volume at full blast . When I turn it down , it sounds like a normal cat . " I explained to him that I always turn up the volume when I am not in the room so that I can hear if someone sends me an instant message . We all just sat down and laughed as we snacked on some banana bread and coffee . It was at that time that the Animal Control people called me to tell me that they were sending a group to capture the animal . They were quite concerned because I had hung up and when they tried to call back , the phone was always busy . The woman sounded quite relieved when I answered but I have to admit , I felt a little foolish telling her to call back the cavalry … that the wild animal was just the computer . " So , that is the story of the wild animal . Oh how I wish my Uncle Frank were still alive so that he could draw a comic of Kevin , Sally and Mother creeping down the stairs … one holding a shovel , another holding a broom and Mother bringing up the rear with a look of fright on her face . He would have the computer monitor out of their sight with a growling sound coming from it . I can at least have the picture in my mind even though I don 't have the talent to draw it . On this one particular bitterly cold and wintry January day , Mark left at four thirty in the afternoon to fight the elements on his way home from work . Three inches of new fallen snow made driving hazardous and it was a bit of relief for him to pull in their driveway and leave the Envoy to fight the elements on it 's own . Marie was still at work and Brandon , their son , was in the basement playing games on his iPad . After just a few minutes to change his clothes , Tweety their cat , sat watching Mark relaxing in the hot tub from inside on her third story ' hangout ' by the double glass doors overlooking the hot tub on the deck . It was beginning to get dark and perhaps getting restless from watching Mark in the hot tub , Tweety jumped down from her highrise and did a big ' no no ' . Among all of her toys , Tweety finds it far more fun to play with the wooden handle that is an added safety feature to lock the glass doors at night . And this she did ! By now it was quite dark and when Mark got out of the hot tub to make a mad dash for the door , he found he was locked out of his house . He got back in the hot tub to ' thaw out ' and to rationalize his predicament . He came to the conclusion his only alternative was to get back out of the nice hot water and run around the side of the house , unlock the gate to the fenced in back yard and run to the front door using the keyless entry . He was barefoot , just in swim trunks , no towel , soaked to the skin , and must have come in the house looking like a bug in an ice cube . Tweety nonchalantly was yawning from her third story ' penthouse ' trying her best to look innocent of the whole episode . After a nice hot shower and getting dressed , knowing Mark , he probably went to Tweety with a smile and a treat . That is his way . . . . . It is difficult to describe my first vacation from the eyes of a five month old baby , so I will have to put together all of the memories that were told to me from various family members . I 'm not sure whose idea it was to travel to Canada with a baby , my almost three - year - old sister , Linda , my grandparents , Nana C . and Papa C . , Aunt Marge , and of course , my mom and dad . But , my father packed the Oldsmobile on one July day in 1951 and thus began this family journey from Indianapolis , Indiana to Canada . We were on our way to Niagara Falls . I am told that the first day was uneventful . My grand parents , Nana and Papa , and my Aunt Marge sat in the back seat . My father was the driver . Mother sat in the front passenger seat , but would trade places with Papa whenever they stopped for meals or a fill up . Linda was somewhat of a wiggle worm . This was before child seats were used and so she would sometimes sit between my parents , but preferred to sit on Papa 's lap . She was also quite proud of her potty seat on the floor in front of the front passenger seat . It 's hard to imagine that there was room for all of these people plus their luggage and a cooler full of food for lunch times … but those old cars were much roomier than what we drive today . Nana and Aunt Marge took turns holding me because Mother was quite busy with Linda . Some time the second day , I began to cry … the kind of cry that puts everyone on edge . Everyone tried their magic cry cures but none of them worked . It was at this time that Linda wanted to try her portable potty … and of course , could not wait for my father to safely stop along the road . I 'm sure that Mother was more than frustrated that our Norman Rockwell family vacation was beginning to unravel . Linda was informing everyone that she made a stinky … I was still crying at high decibel levels … and Dad was trying to find a safe place to pull over . Mother could not wait , rolled down her window to throw out Linda 's stinky … not realizing that Papa 's back window was open . Mother heard Papa yelp , turned around to see Linda 's stinky dripping from Papa 's nose … his whole face wet . Linda looked at him and laughed , saying , " You 're funny , Papa ! " … and everyone was able to laugh as Papa washed his face with one of my clean diapers . By the time we got to Canada my grandmother knew I was crying because I was sick , so they had to find a doctor . I don 't know where we were , but it must have been a small town . Nana told me later that a real Indian woman held me and agreed with Nana that I had an ear infection . She also told Nana that I was a beautiful baby ! My parents got medication for me and for the rest of the trip I was fussy , but not howling like I had . I remember , when I was quite young that I felt special to have been held by a real Indian , and that she thought I was beautiful . I have not found any pictures of this trip , but there are still a few more boxes of pictures for me to search . The only other souvenirs of the trip were two vases that my grandmother bought … . and there is a story about them that will answer my beginning question . What do these two pictures have to do with a story about a vacation ? My grandmother loved these vases and had them sitting in a special place in the parlor . One day , my grandfather bumped one of the vases , breaking it beyond repair . He cleaned up the pieces … walked out the back door past Nana 's garden , past our play area by the garage , and stepped into his workshop . Papa 's workshop was one of my favorite places to visit . I love the smell of paint , sawdust , turpentine and wood that permeated the room . It was here that he made the cabinet that is pictured in this blog . This is one of many pieces of furniture that he built and I am glad to have it to display my crystal glasses … and of course , the two vases . But how do I have two vases when Papa had shattered one of them ? If you look carefully at the picture of the two vases … you will notice that the vase on the left is duller than the other . It is the one that Papa made to match the real one . It is made of wood and painted the exact color as the other . It is almost 60 years old , so the paint has dulled , but at one time it was difficult to tell the difference between the two . When he finished making this duplicate vase , he set it next to the other one and waited many weeks before Nana discovered what had happened . And … instead of being angry that he had broken her beloved vase … she was grateful that her husband was so talented and " repaired " the damage he had done . Linda just read this and has an added something she remembers from the trip . We also went to the New England states where we stayed in little cabins in Maine . Linda had her own little suitcase that she carried with her everywhere . She also loved bing cherries . . . . so much so that she had to be cut off from them . Now she says that she will have to find an equally disgusting story to write , with me being the star . oops

Lu : When I got out of school I worked with John Robert Powers [ modeling agency ] in New York . That was interesting , and that gave me enough confidence to start working in the theater . I did a lot of theater back there and that 's where I met Arthur . He and I were in several shows together . Before that , at the age of twelve or thirteen , he had his own orchestra and he used to blow trumpet . He was very big and every time we 'd go to a dance , he wasn 't interested in dancing with me , he was interested in joining the orchestra . From there we decided to get tied up together , we got married . Lu : Right . Then he was working for an artist in the city but he wasn 't that good and Arthur wasn 't that happy . Then he had a chance to go on the road with Pearl Primus , which was a dance band . So he had to leave home and travel by bus . They were going stop to stop and when the bus was in California he met an agent for Tyrone Power and Charles Laughton . They were doing readings in a theater , so the agent signed him up to come out and work with them . So after he returned on the bus tour he said " We 're moving to California . I 'm driving the car . As soon as you can break loose , join me . " Okay , so that 's what happened . He moved out here and he wrote me and told he had a wonderful place at Ann Jeffreys guesthouse - and what a view . And I thought great , so I come out , and I go up to Ann Jeffreys guesthouse , up in the hills , and the view was of what is now the Hollywood Freeway . Except in those days it was roads and it was cars . I eventually got bored sitting home so I got a job in Hollywood . I had to take the trolley everyday , because he had to take the car . He was now Mister Agent . He went to work for Lester Salkow , who was a big agent at the time . He had a large roster of stars . He was with him for sometime and eventually he opened his own agency . Lester died , so he took over the agency . We were on friendly terms with all the stars and we hob - nobbed with them . We would go to openings and we would visit their homes or they would visit mine . We enjoyed the friendship of a lot of the stars because they were real people , not just stuck up in the air nose thing . He had that agency for quite a long time . I was busy raisin chillen while he was doing that , so I was pretty much at home . Lu : Yeah , oh yeah well , and he had a staff of people working for him , but he made all the big deals . And he was really good at that . Certain people like Vincent Price , Raymond Burr , Peter Lorie . He had all the spooks . He had the Raymond Burr series Perry Mason and the cast . Lu : It was right on Hollywood Blvd . , where Hollywood and Sunset come together . He stayed with that until business was going down and there wasn 't much going on at the time . He finally got out of the business . He moved way up in the hills to Tujunga . By that time we were divorced and I had moved first to Encino , then got a place in Winnetka . [ When we were married ] we had a place on Camino de la Cumbre , which overlooked the whole Valley . This was a beautiful home . He did a lot of work there and so did I . Nori : I want to find out a little bit more about the movie stars . What were they like ? Can you recall a specific time when you went to one of their houses ? Lu : We went to Jonathan Harris ' house for dinner . Lost in Space . He was a really nice guy . He was a lot of fun . We had a wonderful time at his house . Raymond Burr had a place on the ocean with a mini - zoo . It was dark . I didn 't go down there , so I don 't know what he had . It was an elaborate house . In fact the upstairs was one great huge room with a circular bed , as I recall , right in the middle . On one side of the wall were a couple of steps and that 's were all the closets were with the bathroom . Then there was a balcony looking out over the ocean . Barbara Hale 's husband , Bill , gave me the tour up there . That 's as far as I 'm going with that conversation . [ all laugh ] So then Barbara came up and we chit - chatted and then we went back downstairs . The whole cast of Perry Mason was there . And he was a very nice person . Vincent Price had a big , Spanish home with many , many rooms . His kitchen was to die for . He had a butler 's pantry and all the pots and pans . He loved cooking . He wrote a book on cooking and his travels , he and his wife Mary , that was his first wife . She was also involved in the movies . He was very charming . We went an opening to Hollywood Boulevard for one of those spook shows . We were all climbing in a car to save parking , you know . So it was Vincent and his wife , Arthur , Mr . Salkow - he was the agent at the time . So we 're all crammed in and I had to sit on Vincent 's lap because that was the way it was . So I said , " God you 've got bony knees . " And he laughed , because we were kidding , playing . Then he proceeded to tell me that even though he was tall , he was mostly legs , so when he sat down on the sofa to make love to the co - star in whatever movie he was in , she was always taller than he was . His body was short but his legs were long . She they 'd always have to prop him up on pillows to make him appear taller than his co - star , whoever that may be . I thought that was kind of an interesting thing that most people wouldn 't even know . These are the things - when real human beings are not impressed with themselves - these are the things that you find . Lu : Well , he was . Yeah , I would say . The ones that we know . Arthur had a very large roster of people . I never had a copy of the list , but they were very nice people . Very important people , but I didn 't know them all . The ones that we did associate with were fun and I enjoyed them . I had them in my house for dinners and we went to various other houses . I can 't even remember them all . I remember one New Years , though . We went from house to house , which I didn 't enjoy because I like to go to one party and hob - nob with the people at the one party . Not just breeze in and " hello there , we 're here " and then goodbye and do it again . And then coming home , there was a terrible accident at Van Nuys Blvd . and Ventura . I 'm sure it was a drunk driving thing and that scared me . That was before we had that word " drunk driving . " After that I decided I 'm not going out on New Years . I 'm staying home . I can drink a bottle of champagne at home . I don 't have to go out to do it . If anybody wants to come over and join me , welcome . But I 'm not hitting the road anymore . Lu : Not necessarily . But if you had a good relationship with certain clients , you then became more like friends than just clients . Like Richard Kiley was almost Arthur 's best friend . They were very close until he died . They were just like brothers . He 's a very nice man . He wasn 't impressed . He would come up to Arthur 's up in the hills in Tujunga and visit , kick back . He was a big star . He was , but he was pleasant . Lu : Actually he learned when he worked for Mr . Salkow . He was a natural born salesman . He had a charming personality . He could charm the ears off you . He was a handsome man and people liked him . The women liked him . Lu : Well , yeah , because they would always flock around him . Especially since he was an agent . Again , the story of the casting couch and all that . Lu : I 'm sure there was . But it was an exciting life . We 'd go out to dinner with various ones . It was always - movie stars would stop at the table and talk to us . You had to go to the right places , because that 's where the stars would hang out . Lu : Yeah , but not necessarily just there . There were other class of restaurants . Some of them are not even there anymore : Brown Derby , Ciro 's . Lu : There was no one special cut - off day . It was sort of like he sold the office , his secretary moved to Florida , his bookkeeper - I don 't know what happened to her . But he was still in touch . He was still making deals , because he made really good deals for those people . He would hold out . He would demand a certain amount of money and if the studios didn 't want to pay it , he wouldn 't let his star work there . When the studio would want the star bad enough , then they would accept his deal . That 's why he was so good ad what he did . Even though it scared some of them if they wanted the job . Lu : The whole Hollywood business kinda shut down . I don 't know if it was around ' 70 ? I 'm not good with numbers , but that 's when he sold the business . Then he went with his current girlfriend up to Wisconsin and they got married up there . Lu : Not at that point . He was still going heavy . Later , he came to my house when I lived on Winnetka for some reason and I could tell that he was really in bad shape . His face was all flushed and everything . I kicked him out of the house . I told him " get out " and he was so depressed , he told me later , that he got in his car and drove up to the top of Mulholland and was thinking of just driving off . [ all gasp , sigh ] That 's how bad he was . He remembered that one of his friends had wanted to take him to an AA meeting so he decided to try it . And that 's when he started with AA . Lu : After we broke up I had difficulty getting child support . He told he me he 'd sold his business and everything and didn 't have any money , which I found out later wasn 't true . Wife number three ran off with quite a bit of stuff . She was smarter than me , I guess , but I believed him . So I had to work for several companies , several jobs at one time . Lu : We were in the same apartment - we used to sleep head to head with a wall between us . We had wonderful times getting to know each other in those days . Bill and Paula [ Nori 's parents ] moved out and they built their own home . We decided we were going to get a home too and move out of that crazy apartment , and I do mean crazy . Some time after that we had a lot of people coming and going in our lives so we got divorced . He moved to Wisconsin and married wife number two . That didn 't go too well after a while . She used to call . He was coming back to California because he wanted to see the kids , so I always let him come and stay with me so he could visit with the kids and so forth . Then they got divorced . Then he met another girl . She was really too young for him , but she came down and I met her . She was nice , but she was really too young for him . So they got married and that didn 't last . Then he decided he was going to move back to California . That 's when he lived in Tujunga . Again , it was way up in the hills . He had a thing for living in the hills . It was unique , it needed a lot of work . And it was so uphill it was horrible trying to walk around the place . It 's what he liked . It had a view . I would go up there and help him plant flowers and take care of things . Then he became kind of disabled . It was difficult having to drive that far and I was concerned that if he were to fall , we wouldn 't know about it . It could be dangerous for him . I tried to get him to wear one of those things around his neck , so in case he falls somebody would know about it . Of course he wouldn 't do it . He agreed to move in closer so his family could come in and take care of him . So that 's when he moved to Studio City . It was a nice little house with a swimming pool and he liked to swim . But I don 't know if he ever stuck his toe in the water because he went downhill from there . I used to have to drive him up to the VA for visits with various doctors . He just didn 't do well after that . By this time our kids had grown up and left home and taken on their own lives . He didn 't have anybody at that point in his life to help him . I lived nearby , so I went over and schlepped him around . I think that 's about the end of it . He finally passed on . Lu : Jumped out of airplanes , parachute . He liked daredevil things . When he used to date me he took me to the Huguenot Yacht Club , because my family were members . He would make friends with those guys with the speedboats and I 'd see him out there on waterskis just having a ball . Paula : We were married in February ' 50 in Chicago and then I remember it was icy and snowy and it was almost Christmas . We drove to Minneapolis for Bill 's promotion , which was the manager of the Minneapolis bureau for United Press International , UPI . We lived there two years almost . I remember on my birthday in May , we looked out over Lake Minnetonka and it was still solid ice . You could walk across it . We said , Let 's get the hell out of here . " So Bill looked on all the maps and climate and everything and decided Los Angeles was the place to go . We had no kids , very little furniture , so we went . It seemed like the spring of ' 53 . Paula : There was a race car driver . What was his name ? He had a girlfriend up there . I think it was his mistress . He used to walk by our window and wave . It was a floozy looking babe . He was probably married , with a big house in Beverly Hills , but put her up in this apartment . Paula : And remember , her husband had her followed and served her with divorce papers . He was a TV producer . He got a private eye . Oh , we could have had a private eye at the beach with us . Lu : We would barbeque . We would go to the beach Sunday morning and we always went down to Laguna Beach . The beaches here were always so crowded , so we would go down there , spend the day there . You had to find the place where you could go down the steps to the beach , because most places wouldn 't , so we had this one place scooped out . When we got through sunning ourselves and making crazy at the beach , we would come home . The boys would all chip in and buy a steak , and cook a steak down on the barbeque , down by the parking lot . Paula and I - if Paula cooked in her house , then we ate in my house . Because no air conditioning . So whoever did the cooking , we ate in the other apartment . We would put on music and Paula would get her pots and pans and Eddie would play music on the pots and pans . In the apartment . Paula : I don 't remember it . He was an old German guy and he had an accent . " Vat you playing up there ? Vat you doing in that apartment ? " He didn 't like us and . . . well , we were twenty - something , what did we know ? Paula : No , we were just up from Franklin , but we could walk . Your dad walked to Capitol at Sunset and Vine for work . I walked down Hollywood Boulevard to the Broadway down there at the end of the line . It was a beautiful stroll . Lu : Except that night when a freak was walking along behind the apartment . I looked outside to see what it was and almost came face to face with him . That scared the heck out of me . I said , " We 're moving . " It was behind our apartment , but remember they built new apartments behind us ? There were strange things going on up there . I remember peeking out the window to see what was going on , because it was really strange . I thought , well I guess that 's Hollywood . Paula : Yes , we did . I remember Art teasing us when we went up , off Dixie Canyon . " What 's the matter ? Couldn 't you find a place in the City ? " Nori : Yeah , well , that 's where the movie stars bought their ranches . It was all open range or orange trees back then . Last night we were talking about your parents , how they got involved in elections . We also had elections at our house when we lived on Longbow . Lu : Well , I come from - not a long line of politicians - but my paternal grandfather was a senator , Marmaduk Burr . My parents weren 't really political , but in Pelham they became involved in elections , which were held in the colonial grade school . They made sure they had the roster and made sure people got out to vote . They had people come to the house and if so and so hasn 't voted , we 'll go get them and make sure to take them down if they can 't get there , so they helped run the elections . My mother ran for councilwoman , she was councilwoman at one time . Her name was Lucille F . W . That was the end of the political line . Nori : That was before World War II , so there weren 't a lot of women out in public life . Like Osa Johnson , there were a few examples . It was World War II when the women went out of the home . Lu : My maternal grandfather was a doctor in North Carolina . That was another interesting facet . My mother was a Rebel and my daddy was a damned Yankee , so I had both sides of it . Lu : Oh yes . When I first moved out here somebody gave me her name because I didn 't know many people . So one day I decided I was going to call this woman I did not know . So I called her and we made arrangements to meet and get together and that 's how your mother met her . Paula : Yes , but I don 't know that it was at the same time . Hal is older than we are . He was at Pearl Harbor . He lived through it . The story is that he was drunk and in town , not on the ship . Lu : Yes , you were there . But that was the stage . It had a big , wide ledge , which was a seating ledge , until Eddie [ Hilliard ] came . Then it was a stage . ( all laugh ) I never had to worry about entertaining my guests as long as he was there . And he would get up on the stage and everybody would say , " Hey Eddie ! Tell the story about so and so , " and he would say , " Okay ! " They he would start telling a joke . His delivery was so great . Everybody knew the jokes , but everybody would still laugh . Paula : No , it 's an old show biz thing . The joke teller says , " Well this guy goes into an agent and says I 've got this stage act . " It was the filthiest , most horrible stuff . You could make it filthy and long . The punch line is the agent says , " Oh my god , what do you call this act ? " " The Aristocrats . " Paula : I don 't want to see it . Ed told it better than any of those people could . It 's an old show biz joke because the funnier the comedian , the more awful things they can put into it . Lu : Well talk about comedians . I 've been to the Red Skelton rehearsals . That was strictly off the cuff , because what they did at rehearsals they would not do on the air , obviously . Lu : Of course , but they were funny . Arthur made sure I got to see some of those because they were really funny . I mean the shows were funny , but the rehearsals were really a crack up . Nori : I 'm not sure what we can do with this . I 'll make you copies . Probably what I would do is put it in chronological order . Nori : That one about Capitol Records was so easy . The first two thirds of it was perfect . I didn 't have to edit it at all . Just the part about my dad getting fired from Capitol Records , we started it out without explaining to the audience what we were talking about . So I did kinda edit that one . I just switched things around . But basically , I didn 't know the whole story of why my father got fired from Capitol . I think the main thing that got him fired was when he suggested the Capitol artists play in the Playboy All Stars Band . He went to the musicians and the old guys thought that was really wrong of him to talk to the musicians about it , like go over their heads . Paula : One more thing about Bill 's departure from Capitol . Nori was just a little kid then , two . Irv Stern , our friend who was very funny and very sharp - he knew the whole deal - he asked Nori , " Why do you think you daddy got fired from Capitol ? " And Nori said , " I think it 's because he didn 't keep his desk clean . " ( all laugh ) Nori : Later on , when I was about eight , I asked my mom why we had a subscription to Playboy . Because it came every month for as long as I could remember from childhood . She said that was because they got my dad fired and they gave him a free subscription . I never knew the real story . Paula : Well , they gave us a lifetime subscription when we were first dealing with him , trying to go through him to get Capitol to advertise then they just let it run . But when we moved to Sunnyvale it stopped . The change of address , they said , whoops these guys didn 't pay . But then we subscribed to it with money . Lu : Speaking of Playboy , James Gregory , also a well known TV star , he and his wife became my best friends at one point . He was defending Playboy , saying it wasn 't just the pictures , they have so many interesting articles . I looked at him and I thought , yeah right . Lu : Oh , well at one of the parties we had Barton MacLane and his wife , among others . Bill walked up to Barton MacLane and said , " What do you do ? " and Barton looked at him and said , " Well , son , I 'm a rancher , " which he was , when was not being a big , fat movie star . It 's true ! Arthur was so embarrassed . Lu : A lot of the stars were there . Larry Burrell came up to me and wanted to use the phone . I thought , I 'm so busy , what do you want to use the phone for ? All right , go ahead use the phone , I don 't care . I was off doing things . First thing I know , he says , " Can I turn on the radio ? " and I thought , What is with this guy ? So he turns on the radio and he turns it up full blast , and he was broadcasting this party ! I had no clue what he was doing ! He was announcing , " I am here at the Kennard residence and we 're celebrating the birth of their son , Christopher . " All the celebrities , and he 's naming them . I couldn 't believe what 's going on . It was a surprise . I 'll never forget that ! Lu : Well , Eddie Hilliard used to call Arthur the " Gopher King , " because we had so many of them . It was hysterical . Every day you 'd come out and there were more gophers . Lu : And Art was out there putting traps in their holes . That didn 't bother them at all , then he would lose the traps . They would pull the traps in their holes . Finally , they came with gas , and you put it in the hole and turn it on 1 - 2 - 3 , then turn it off . That eventually got rid of them . We had snakes up there too . The snakes probably ate the gophers . The kids were up visiting , playing in our backyard with the swings and all , and they came into the house screaming . So I go and look , we have one side of the house that was all glass . Here 's this big garden snake , like this , squiggling down the side of the house . It goes down the end of the place and turns down the wall , and I watched it go across and down the hill . It was later , when Arthur came home , sometimes he would go in the back door , and I was told there were rattle snakes that were coming down . When we had just moved in , he was at work one day , and I had just brought Chris in for a nap , but the dog was still out in the dog yard , because we had covered the place with sand and swings for kids . The dog was barking and I knew by the bark that something was wrong . I went out to investigate because he was barking and backing up , barking and backing up . There was this tarantula bigger than my hand . Well , if I see a little spider on the wall , I panic , so you can imagine how I felt about that . So here 's the original pioneer woman . I ran and grabbed a shovel , brought the dog in first , grabbed a big shovel . I went out and I can 't bring the shovel down on this thing , it scared me so much , but I knew I had to do it . I had to protect my kids . So I picked the shovel up , turned around and came back , and I went whack , and I hit this thing . And he moved , and I thought oh , and they say that 's what murderers do . So I kept hitting him until he stopped moving . My heart was beating so hard . I was alone . There were no neighbors up there to speak of . So I shoved him up and put him on the ledge . About that time the phone rang , so I said , " H - hello ? " I mean , I was petrified . Well , it was Arthur . He said , " What 's the matter ? " I said , " You - you - you won 't believe what just happened ! " And he says , " Oh yeah , it 's nothing . " I said , " Fine , I 'll show you when you get home . " When he came home and I said , " You come here , " and I showed him this big thing . He was very impressed . They say when there 's one , there 's always a mate . So I had to live in fear . I never let any of the kids in the yard unless I was there with them . To this day I can remember my heart beating . So living in the hills was not my favorite thing . When I left , I went down to the ground level . When I hit Encino , I wanted a neighborhood for my kids to play in . Up in the hills I had to import kids to play with . I used to bring your kids up there . Lu : My grandfather did all that . I have a picture of my family tree going back to the 1200s . It shows the tree and all the branches , all the way up to when my mother and all her siblings were born . That 's where it ended . And he 's written a couple of books that I have on my genealogy . We didn 't trace Art 's genealogy because he changed his name . His stepfather was Defosses , but when he was going into show business he changed it to Kennard . I told him to put the two n 's in it because with one n it sounded like canard . Originally , he was a Defosses and his mother was a nurse . His father was an attorney . He was a very sweet man . Lu : In the 40s when I was dating , we would go to Glen Island Casino , which was known as the cradle of the bands . Every big band played Glen Island Casino : Claude Thornhill , the Dorsey Brothers , Glen Miller , all those big ones . If you had a really great date , that 's where you would go . The upstairs was the ballroom where the band was . Downstairs they had a peacock alley with a bar , booths , and a jukebox . If a date couldn 't afford to go upstairs , then you would go downstairs . I used to date a guy who had a speedboat from the club , so on hot summer nights we would go over to the boat and putt out to cool off over the water . Then we would putt up to the casino and they had French doors all the way down , open . We could sit there in the boat and see all the people dancing to the orchestra and then we could see all the people downstairs walking down peacock alley to the bar room . We would just sit in the boat , nice and cool , and we 'd have beer there , that 's it . We 'd just sit there and it was so pleasant to sit there . It was just like watching a stage show . Then there was a place after you go back on shore called The Barge . It was very popular with the young crowd . That 's literally what it was , a barge . That was also on the shore there . There were planks going up to the barge . Everybody would park their car and walk up the planks . There were hardly any lights . The jukebox lit up the dance part in the back and then there was a bar in the front part , but it was always dark . They had little lights on the wall , you could see . It was the place to go . No matter where you were , you had to end up at the barge . Lu : Yes . Like today . I got the photo of you and your mom at your apartment in front of all your paintings . I want to have memories of the places I 've been , that I 've enjoyed .

I know last January I wrote that I was finishing telling my story . I stopped writing my blog like that was the end of my story when it really was the beginning . Ever see the weight watchers commercial with Jennifer Um . . the fog , but you know , " It 's a new day , a new life a new me . " Well that 's me today . I saw lupus as a thief in the night , crawling in the dark creases of my mind and body stealing the me that I was . . . ha ! am . Not knowing that I was giving myself away for free . I gave up who I was to be this helpless , sick , depressed , sad and lonely woman . Full of regret about the life I lived , the mistakes I made . I crawled into an abyss if darkness , wandering loss inside myself . I couldn 't come to terms with what life has given me ; this present wasn 't a gift , not this lupus that turned me inside out , upside down and all around . I was so angry , frustrated blinded by rage . Disappointed . My life was / is like an ocean without fish , a sky without birds , a sun that won 't shine , a land without foot prints , and a moon lost in an abyss of darkness . What a master thief depression is . I was laying in bed this morning , debating if I should get up and take my medication or just lay here and try to go back to sleep . But that crazy question that has no answer continued to haunt me this morning . What is the meaning of this life I 'm living ? I can 't figure out what my reason for being is . I wonder if I 'm living or existing . My days feel empty to me , yet I bask in my solitude it makes as much sense as the life I live . I 'm doing what I must do to wake each day , take meds , sleep , eat and shit . I go visit doctors to analyze my health ; I go to the physical therapy / rehab . I spend hours on Facebook , peeking into other people 's lives and playing a game that has no real purpose . Life once made sense , or maybe I thought it did . As a child there were so many possibilities , dreams and hopes that could come true . And time was plentiful ; my whole life was ahead of me . Then life was lived and those possibilities started to look impossible , impossible because I didn 't want to work at making it possible . So I dreamed of what I could have worked at making come true . Today my dreams look impossible , I 'm 51 but older because my body abandoned me , it 's fighting me , punishing me if you will . I was blessed with beauty , I was smart , I was fairly healthy and what did I do ? That 's right nothing ! People like to say you can measure your success by what you have . I have a place to sleep , food to eat . I have three children who are surviving in life , three beautiful grandchildren . I made a decent living that afforded me a decent SSD check once a month . Should I be satisfied with that ? No I want more , I believe I deserve more . I don 't want fame and riches though it would be nice . I want happiness . My children and their children give me moments of happiness , but it 's not enough . I want to feel mentally good all the time , Posted by Me Verse Lupus : The end of my story : " I am still battling this fatigue . I went to my daughters early Saturday morning . I was there by 8am because she had to work . My . . . " I am still battling this fatigue . I went to my daughters early Saturday morning . I was there by 8am because she had to work . My son was coming with an escort from the rehab to get his clothes and stuff . My daughters ' father was suppose to be going out . When I arrived , remember what time I told you it was , her father just woke up and was drinking , not orange juice , brandy . He was okay for an hour or so . My son called and said he would be there soon . I asked the father to move his empty bottle , he gets all nasty it 's empty . Empty or not it puts the idea there . So my son comes everything is fine he and the escort eat and hang for a little bit then leave . My daughters ' friend was there and when they live she asks me where my son was going , I tell her to rehab and that the guy was an escort . I say to my daughters ' father that 's why I asked you to move the bottle . He gets nasty and says , I did , but it was empty and I live here . I got so pissed I went into the bathroom to keep from saying . " Mother fucker , this is my daughters ' place and that is her brother she cares about . I didn 't ask you to stop drinking I just ask you to put move the bottle . " I didn 't want to further go off and say , " You don 't pay rent , you live off my daughter you spent a couple of thousand dollars on a computer and desk and took the chair my daughter brought for her computer desk to use . You got a check last year to baby sit the kids , this year you don 't babysit , maybe once and a while you take them to school . My daughter wanted to go to school and she worked around your schedule but you went and changed yours so you wouldn 't have to baby sit . And your ass is still getting a check from public assistance for babysitting . And you don 't give my daughter , your child any money . You use the electricity and cable line . You never paid me any child support at all . You are a selfish son of a bitch . This is why you are a drunk because you are unhappy no one wants to be around you too long . You 're a freak . " But I didn 't say any of this because I don 't like toI got home about 8pm that night . I was tired and I had to go to the rehab to do a family visit with my son . My mate wasn 't feeling well , she ate an old tangerine and her stomach was upset , but not only that she was having pains in her left arm . In the morning her arm was still hurting , she was up most of the night in the bathroom , so she wanted to go to the ER . Imagine going to the ER with someone and not for myself . I call the rehab and tell them I can 't make it . We sit in the rehab for a few hours and everything is fine and we come back home . Tomorrow I 'm suppose to meet this woman to help me with the medicare . It 's suppose to snow again , another major storm . I don 't know , I think I should reschedule , I don 't want to get into Manhattan and get stuck . The problem is the womans ' phone only takes messages and she only comes in on Tuesdays . something so minor as this stresses me out . I 'm almost caught up to this day with my life . I mentioned though out my story how mean my mate is . Don 't get me wrong , she has a kind nature about her . She is considerate of my well being . She will do what ever she can to make me comfortable , as long as it doesn 't inconvenience her . She doesn 't care what she says or how it hurts . She knows that I 'm sensitive , but she will say things to hurt me . If I point out a flaw of hers ' , she will do a tic for tack thing . She gets defensive and tells me what my flaws are . Let me tell you I have hundreds . I talk too much , I don 't remember to put things away . I sort my pills and sometimes they fall to the floor . Sometimes I can 't find them , she tells me I don 't look . She doesn 't understand that I can 't remember things . She tells me I 'm lazy because I can sit at the computer but can 't sweep the floor or something . The list can go on and on and on . I spend a lot of time crying , but that 's me . To be honest the only person I expressed myself to freely and who understood me was Mr . 23 years , but he couldn 't make me happy he had his negative ways . I guess I was meant to be alone like my mother . I don 't know what kind of person I want in my life . Maybe it 's me , like my brother said . I 'm a fuck up . My mate , when we first met she would buy me gifts , pocketbooks , jewelry and take me out to eat . She buys me clothes still but she gets me men 's clothes because that 's what she wears . I don 't want a mens ' jacket . She made promises when we met , but it ain 't no different then a man who tries to woo you . She said she would take me on a cruise and it hasn 't happened . She still talks about it but I won 't hold my breath . She doesn 't even take me out locally . I only have her winter and spring concerts to look forward . I enjoy myself but it 's not like going to a play or even a movie . We use to go out to eat , but now I should be happy to get a whopper when she comes in from the bar . Where she is if she doesn 't have rehearsal . I am left alone so often , but it 's not like I live alone because I am really nothing more then a guest . She will tell someone quickly that I 'm her lover but I have no rights in the place I live . This is what hurts me the most . Being homeless . She 's mellowed out a bit but I still have to remember to put everything away . I write and I like to have my papers around me but I can 't I have to put them away and I end up hiding them a losing them because I can 't remember where I put them . She will encourage me to lose weight but turn around and fix me something to eat and pile the food on my plate , no matter how much I tell her not a lot . I like that she tries to take care of me but in the next breath she 'll cuss me out . I say she 's bi - polar and needs medication . She has no interest in marriage . I don 't want to marry a woman , but her stand is that she doesn 't believe in marriage because of the community property thing . Her philosophy is what 's mine is mine and what 's yours is yours . I live here and her mother and her will say that 's your potatoes or juice or what ever . We share food and drink , but saying that 's yours makes me think twice about eating or touching different foods or things . I don 't know , I grew up in a household where we respected each other and ; listened to each other . I raised my children in a house hold that may have been dysfunctional but we respected each other . I 'm living now in a household that everyone yells when they talk and are cold and harsh and sarcastic when they speak . I try to stand on my own feet but I 'm not a fighter so I get stressed and nervous . I live my life on the computer , I get lost in my television shows , books or I go to sleep and try to dream a better life . This was my story . This blog has ended I will start another blog soon . It will deal totally with lupus . I hope to write about my trails in a way that it will educate those who are struggling through this disease and for those who have family or friends with lupus . I hope to write a piece worthy of publication . Until them my readers God bless . This is a picture of Mr . 23 & me . Me Verse Lupus : My life almost caught up : " I 'm up and ready to go . I 'm doing a lot and have a lot to do . Haha ! I 'm reading ' The Immortal Life Of Henrietta Lacks - By Rebecca . . . " I 'm up and ready to go . I 'm doing a lot and have a lot to do . Haha ! I 'm reading " The Immortal Life Of Henrietta Lacks - By Rebecca Skloot " Very interesting , it has to do with biology , well it also tells the story of Henrietta and her family . John Hopkins used and sold her cells since the 1950s ' they made many medical break troughs and tested the effects of many drugs on these cells . Many of the doctors and scientist were getting rich while the family , up to this day is living in poverty . It 's an amazing story . That 's enough of my book review . My writer 's digest magazine came in and I love them so much the only magazine I read from cover to cover . I have to sort my medication , yes that 's a task and that 's like number one on my to due list . I have 3 birthday cards to do and I want to make some Valentine cards and see if my mate will sell them at the bar . I also need to work on my family newsletter . Now that I wrote what I have to do , it 's not so much , but for me it is . I spoke to my grandchildren over the weekend and my daughters . I was feeling like they were ignoring me , but they 've been busy . They said when their day 's end , they know I 'm in bed so they don 't want to disturb me . Awww ! Bull shit ! My youngest daughter is on twitter all day and I see her pop on FB so she can take a minute and send me a text . My oldest daughter can send me a text too . I don 't have to get up an read it at night but at least I know they were thinking about me . I 'm down 17 pounds that puts me under the 300 pound mark ! ! Whoopee ! I told my mate and her response , oh good you would lose a lot faster if you stop eating all the junk food . She brought ring dings and baby Ruth 's in here . I tried to maintain will power but damn it ain 't easy . Her mother brought cookies I ate 3 . The other night I ate a cup of sherbet . That 's the junk I ate . I 've been eating two meals a day sometimes one . I eat my lightly salted chips and pistachios ' . I 'm not on a strict eating only salad , fruits and vegetables . I 'm cutting down what I eat . Denying myself foods doesn 't work for me , this is working , I eat what I want but in moderation . What I need to do is get back on that stationary bike and excersie every other day and then I will lose a bit faster . So I 'm proud of myself and if my children get me or help me get the health master I will lose a lot faster , I like juicing , it just too much work with the juicer . I started telling how I met C ( her ) . Let me just tell the last bit of Mr . 23 he was smoking that PCP , he takes everything to the extreme . He was outside in front of the house doing Karate with the cars as they passed through the street . He wouldn 't listen to any of us that told him to come in . No one wanted to call 911 and have him admitted . I finally did . He cursed me out when he was being taken , threaten to kill me . Shortly after he was admitted the doctor called and said he 's fine and we are discharging him . I said to the doctor he threatened to kill me when he gets out . Docs said call him and see how he sounds . I called him and on the top of his lungs he started screaming , " Bitch when I get out here I 'm going to kill you ! " He kept on calling me all kinds of negative words and cursing the doctors , hospital , police everyone . When I called the doctor back as soon as I said my name the doctor said , ' we 're keeping him ' . This was the real turning point . So C would call me and we would talk for hours . She promised to take me on a cruise and take me on trips . I was so excited , I was working I had my own money but couldn 't afford to go anywhere because of that monster of a house . She said she wanted to take care of me . I told her that I was having financial troubles with the house and she suggested I refinance and introduced me to this guy who did refinancing . The guy said he couldn 't help me refinance but could help me sell it . So that 's what I did . While we negotiate with the buyers I was packing and cleaning the house out . That was the most touching and hurting time in my life . I was letting go of an error , my childhood and the life I had with Mr . 23 . I told him I was going to live on my own . I told him if he wanted me he could get us a place to live . I got less then 20k for the house . I put my stuff in storage , when the buyer came we had our few suitcases , I had mine , Mr . 23 had his and my daughter , her boyfriend and my grandson had theirs . We called cabs ; my daughter and her family got in theirs ' and went into the shelter system . Mr . 23 and I went to my daughters ' house . He helped me with my bags and we hugged , I had tears in my eyes and I felt him wiping his eyes , my life with 23 years was over , all the good times , hard times and bad times . I was staying with my daughter and her man . Her man did everything he could to make me uncomfortable so I went and stayed with C . We both would go to work in the morning and meet at the bar after . We would drink , she brought me coke and I would sniff . I was enjoying my life . After a while she retired and now she was home and I was at work during the day . I was trying to hang out with her . I was doing my job but I wasn 't paying attention . I hired this woman for marketing and she wanted my position . She told my boss I was late and not doing my work . This wasn 't true but I got a months ' severance pay , money that was due to me as a bonus and a promise of unemployment . I was looking for a job and couldn 't find one ; finally I got another job in a homecare agency . It was run different than the one I was working for . I was a supervisor , now I was a coordinator , a demotion . They had an on - call system that was bad . No case could be left uncovered . The on - call pager would ring non - stop and to save money there was only one on - call person who had to cover all the cases across the city and long island that was a lot . The first week - end I did the on - call I worked almost 18 hours , that Monday I went in a gave them the on - call stuff , my letter or resignation and left . It was not for me . So I was unemployed again . Back then the unemployment ran out in six months and when it did I worked off the books taking care of this 92 year old lady and living off the little money left from the sale of my house , which ran out quickly . C started to change ; she had a part time job as security down at ground zero . When the Duercht building caught on fire she left her post and went home and got fired . Her money was short and she stopped spoiling me . I was use to paying my own way . I was having a hard time with the storage bill . I should have asked my brother to take the pictures and some of the mementos I had like the cards I saved from my mother , my old writings and journals and Stefannie my doll I got when my sister was born . Those are the thingI got a job at another home care agency ; this one belonged to a friend of mine . I was always tired and I was trying to help them find a better system to do the time sheets . They were moving into the Empire State Building and I knew the rent was going to be high . I was let go . I went back to taking care of the old lady and took a bookkeeping class . Mr . 23 use to meet me by the old lady 's ' house and we would talk ; he would ask me for money or sometimes give me a few dollars . My friend told me he got married , I was seeing him and he didn 't tell me he was going to get married . A week later he met me and I was so hurt . Over the years I wanted to get married he didn 't when he changed his mind and wanted to I told him how to get his state id , he never did . He told me he got married because this woman wouldn 't let him live with her unless he married her . He told me , get this a week after he got married , he could get a divorce . He told me I 'm the only woman he loves and the only one that knows him . It 's true we know each other better than anyone knows is . But he ended our relationship for ever . I would never go back to him at all now . It 's really over . After while I got a job with Manpower at the post office . I was making nice money , lots of over time . Things were good financially , I was able to help my children , C was happy . I was going to the bar to meet her and buying drinks again and buying my own cocaine . Then I needed a hysterectomy , I had that done in the summer of 2007 , it took eight weeks for me to recover and I went back to work at the Post Office . A woman who had a hysterectomy 6 months earlier was talking about how well she felt and told me I was going to feel much better soon . But I wasn 't , I was getting tired and tired . C brought a car from a friend , the car was full of mold and the driver 's side window didn 't open . I was driving that car and smoking . I was happy not to have to take the bus . When the spring came again I would go out and smoke in the sun . I don 't know why I wanted to get a suntan that year , but I would go stand outside smoking , I stopped using sunscreen . I could have went and smoked on the other side of the building where there was shade . But I wanted that suntan . I would go every two weeks to have my nails done and get my eyebrows waxed . I would still go meet C after work . But I was getting too tired ; I would go straight home and go to bed . Soon I stopped going to get my nails done , I was just too tired . I found myself exhausted when I went up and down the stairs I couldn 't breathe . I would have to sit and catch my breath . I didn 't have health insurance and didn 't want to go to the ER . It was my oldest grandsons ' birthday , we went to the Brooklyn Aquarium , and we were in the sun all day , me without sunscreen . I was so exhausted , weak even . I went home and the next day I went to work . I couldn 't walk down the hall without getting winded . My supervisor told me I need to get my breathing check . Everyone was telling me I didn 't sound good . For the past few weeks I would sit at my desk , I was in an office in the back by myself and I would sit in front of the computer and doze off . I had no control . I never felt this tired before . So this day everyone was telling me how bad my breathing sound I decided to go the city hospital . I was admitted and was hospitalized for five days . I had COPD and SLE lupus . I 'm getting in this funk . I 'm wondering what is my purpose , is it to be on this computer all day going back and forth from FB , writerscafe , the support group that I don 't want to participate in any more because of the ugly vibe there . I go on twitter but I can 't keep up and no one really talks to me . My children don 't call and I try not to bother them . My mate has no time for me and basically doesn 't want to be bothered . I know I went through this before and it 's getting old . I wish I could write , but I can 't stay focused . My mind is worrying about this medicare I wish there was someone that could help me . Someone gave me a program that helps with prescription drugs but the address was wrong so if that person is still reading will you please send it again . Yesterday I needed one of my medications for the afternoon . I got dressed and called the guy that drives me around , he said he would be here to pick me up in less then a half hour . 45 minutes later he still wasn 't here . I called and he said he forgot and was on his way . He was like ten minutes away from where he said he was . I waited another 15 minutes so I went to get change and told him if he didn 't arrive in the next 2 minutes I was taking the bus . I waited 5 minuted he didn 't show , I took the bus , got my meds walked a block to the supermarket , called another guy that drives cabs , got what I needed and when I got out side the store in less then five minutes the guy shows up . I 'm less then a minute from home when the guy who stood me up calls and asks where I am . I told him I was on my way home and he insisted to know where I was . The guy who did picked me up I stopped using him because he charges too much yesterday he only took $ 5 were he would of originally took $ 7 . Greediness , I have a trick for them , I can get around by myself . I could of walked back to the bus stop and got home for a dollar and ten cents and if need be I will do it next time . I just have to do it . Yay for me ! My children were grown . My son in jail , step son on his own , my girls with their men and babies . Just me and Mr . 23 years . Me working and trying to keep the house going but I just couldn 't afford it . The bathroom was falling apart because the upgrade work was poorly done , the bathroom leaked down into the kitchen . I was cooking on hot plates and using a George Foremans ' oven to bake with . I was fixing some good meals with my makeshift kitchen . We were struggling , the boiler was makeshift it was dangerous , Mr . 23 kept it working but it could have exploded . We would run out of oil often and spend the night sleeping in our clothes , with our coats and several blankets on top of us and a heaters on . Mr . 23 would make a few dollars and put diesel gas in the boiler tank . Rats were all through the house . We had poison down and traps but they wouldn 't go away . The guy we had rented the attic to had brought in a billion roaches , after he left we tried to bomb them and get rid of them but they just multiplied . It was sad living like this and I couldn 't do anything because I had no finicial help . My youngest daughter , her man and baby were living in the house . Mr . 23s ' artist friends sister was staying with us . If everyone just helped a little life would of been better . I was going to work everyday . I worked in different offices everyday , I was a supervisor of three branches so some days I would go to the Queens branch , I would take the train but after while going up and down the subway stairs was a bit much so I started taking the bus . I worked in the Brooklyn branch I had no choice but to take the subway , there were a lot of stairs to go up to get above ground , there were elevators in that station only sometimes they didn 't work . I also worked in the Bronx , that was almost a two hour ride from Queens by bus . It was traveling on the bus to the Bronx and Queens office that I met her . She started talking to me about the Knicks and what was going on in the news . She invited me to the bar she hung out at , I finally went . Mr . 23 was always out , my friend was doing her thing like she always does . So I was lonely like I am now because I 'm not a real social person . So I went to the bar . I was sitting at the bar when she walked in . She made a grand entrance when someone asked her where she was coming from she said , " some people got to work for a living . " Then she noticed me and a big smile came across her face . She sat with me brought me a drink and we talked . She brought me some coke , flowers and I think she brought some food . The bar got crowded and everyone was trying to talk to me and I got a lot of attention . I liked it and I would met her again and again . When we decided to sleep together I called in sick from work and went to her house . She was so attentive and made promises just like men do . Just the same as men once they get you they forget the promises they made to you . As normal I got caught up in the excitement of the new relationship , the attention . I would take days off of work and we would go to a hotel . We went to Atlantic City and stayed in a motel . I took us to a play and on a boat ride . She promised to take me on a cruise and it never happened and probably won 't . We use to go out to eat , she took me shopping for clothes . She did all the things to make me feel special . and then . . . to be continued . I was laying in the bed this morning trying to accumulate enough spoons to help me get through this day . The phone rang early , while I was in a good sleep . My mates ' family gets up early and thinks the whole world is up too . I remember when I was a teenager my family and friends knew not to wake me in the morning because I was evil . I always hated to be waken up when I didn 't have to go out or do anything that day . When I was raising my children I got better because I had to get up and take care of my kids , but now I 'm back to feeling evil as hell when I 'm awaken when I don 't need to get up . My mate gets up puts on the TV , turns on lights , talks to me as I 'm laying in that twilight zone , she 'll start cleaning , washing clothes . I have no choice but to get up and just deal with it . Now when she 's sleep and I get up and turn the TV on she has a fit turn off the TV or if I 'm on the computer she tells me to turn it off and get in the bed . I can 't just lay down and go to sleep like her , some nights I will toss and turn for hours and when I finally do get to sleep I 'm awakened . Hence my evilness but I keep it to my self , until now when I can let it out in this blog . Yesterday I went to see my son at the 21 day rehab . It took all the energy I had to get there but I did . They had a meeting with the family for a half hour . All these family members were asking , will they get high when they get out , what can they do to keep them from getting high , can they take some drug , can 't remember the name , that will take away their urge to drink , or what about methadone . It got on my nerve that I said , 2 and a half years ago I was drinking , sniffing coke and smoking cigarettes and had I not gotten sick I would still be getting high . I told them that I still have urges . I told them that I had stopped using because I want to live . I had to be ready to stop mentally and that their love ones won 't stop no matter how many rehabs , counselors , programs that they go to , they are not going to stop until they are mentally ready . After I finished my piece , the counselor asked if anyone had any more questions . No one did and the useless meeting was over . Well it was useless to me . I love my son and I know I 'm the only one he has and I want to support him . But he 's draining me . He left his clothes and stuff at my daughters ' house . Between today and next Friday he wants me to get to my daughters and get some of his clothes , shoes and his papers and bring to him for the next visit . I am so tired , I don 't want to do nothing . But like I said I 'm the only one he has , so some how or another I will do this for him . I 'm down to 301 pounds ! ! That 's 16 pounds lost . I found this machine called the Health Master . I want this machine so bad . It 's a blender that liquidfies vegetables and fruit , pulp and all . My juicer extracts the juice and wastes the pulp and to clean after you have to take the machine apart . With this it just a pitcher to clean . The machine costs $ 200 I asked my girls if they would buy it . They both should be getting income tax returns . I they don 't hopefully I 'll get a refund check and get it myself . I like juices and if it 's easy to prepare I will juice often . I will lose this weight quickly and hopefully have more energy . Best of all it my push my body into remission . I use to juice years ago and I felt good . I 'm excited and anxious . I only have a little more of my life to tell and I will but I need to get rest and build the energy to stay focused . My head is in a fog , I 'm stressed about the medicare , I called the SLE Lupus foundation to see if I can get help . I had a problem with my bank account and that had me stressed for the past five days . Not to mention all the above on my mind . I just need to do some meditation , praying and resting and hopefully in a few days I can write the finally pages of my story . Me Verse Lupus : Considering Suicide or not : " It was a little rough this weekend . I was feeling down again . I 'm not complaining because this is the fate that God saw fit to give me so I . . . " It was a little rough this weekend . I was feeling down again . I 'm not complaining because this is the fate that God saw fit to give me so I accept it , but can 't stop being human about it and occasionally cry about . I had a wonderful time with my daughters and their children , good food and a delicious cake to slip on my diet for . My son called from the rehab . Of course he has a list of things he wants . He complained that the food is jail food . I want to help him but I 'm stressed because I don 't have any extra money this month . I went with out medication for a few days because I couldn 't afford the co pay . I have my steroids and Cellcept which are the important meds , oh and I have the Revatio . I 'm a proud woman and don 't like to ask for help . I 'm trying to figure out which doctors I should see because I can 't see all that I need to see . I have two appointments this month , or should I say before my next SSD check . I need to see the eye doctor and the Hematologist , I don 't know which is more important . My daughter told me about her selfish father not Mr . 23 years this time , the other one . He was getting paid to babysit the grand kids . My daughter changed their school because he couldn 't do it anymore . They are in an after school program and my daughter picks them up . He is still getting a check for babysitting . He stays on the computer all day long and doesn 't assist my daughter with the cable or electric bill . He brought a new Mac computer with a I think , a 32 inch screen . I want to say something so bad . I raised his daughter and didn 't get any financial assistance from him the least he could do is help his daughter , she gave him a place to stay for 2 years now . Should I mind my business or open my mouth ? I know nobody is going to make any suggestions , but I sure could use some . I was in the bed all day Sunday . I was so tired , I slept most of the day and I was able to sleep all night . While laying in bed I was thinking about my brother and mother . My brother had MS , he was a Vietnam vet that was shot and disabled from service . He went to St . Johns ' University and got a degree in sports management , but was never able to utilize it because he became totally disabled . Just before thanksgiving in 1987 he got sick , diarrhea , he wasn 't eating and stayed in bed . I don 't know why we didn 't call the ambulance for him . I guess because my brother was good at putting on a front . I remember he had a bad tooth once and he took the pliers and pulled it out . He was blind in one eye and the MS would make him lose balance and fall often . He tried not to show any weakness to us , so we never knew how sick he was . We didn 't know he had MS until he went to the ER after this ailment . My mother came home from a dinner and found him in bed bleeding from his eyes , nose , mouth and ears . His blood pressure was so high they couldn 't read it on the pressure machine they had . He went into a coma and died a week later . When we cleaned his room he had tons of blood pressure medication . I believed he committed suicide . My mother had lupus for about 12 years . Shortly after she was diagnosed she took pain killers and washed them down with vodka . My sister witnessed it and was able to call 911 and save her . Years later she had a heart attack , recovered went back to work . When she had a second heart attack she was forced to retire . She did somethings that were strange now that I look back on it . She was getting her full pay check for almost 2 years . She worked for the city of NY , she had sick time banked and annual time banked so she had to exhaust all of that . Then her Social Security and pension kicked in . She moved my grandmother out of her apartment and sold the piano my mother had since she was a kid . It was Mr . 23 years birthday , I was in the habit of talking to my mother the every night . She told me she went to the doctor that day and she wasn 't feeling too well that she thought it was her gallstones . Being that it was Mr . 23s ' birthday and my car only went 30 mph I decided to stop by on my way to work in the morning . In the morning I was running late . I went straight to work . I had to start on something as soon as I walked in , the receptionist called and told me my mothers ' neighbor was on the phone . I went to my mothers ' the ambulance was still there . They told me that my mother died . My grand mother said my mother was worried about her friend that had throat cancer and didn 't mention how she was feeling at all . My mother took the garbage out that morning and told the neighbor she had no time to talk and to leave her alone she didn 't feel good . That isn 't my mother , she was always thoughtful of other peoples ' feelings , she passed that trait on to me . My grand mother said she came back in and went to bed . My grandmother checked on my mother , her teeth were on the floor across the room and she didn 't look right . Gran couldn 't dial the phone so she went to the front door to see if she could find someone to help . Mom knew she was sick from the night before . She had nitroglycerin pills , she had baby aspirin , she had 2 heart attI tell these stories because I worry about myself . Will my illness depress me to the point where I want to give up . Will I too ignore the signs of something being seriously wrong and not seek help . I have drugs that I can take that could kill me . Will I one day decide to take all the lorazapam I have left . I have potassium chloride that I take daily , what would an over dose of that do ? What about the revatio ? Or maybe I can just stop taking my pressure medication . Yes I 've thought about it . I wonder if anyone would really care , will it be a blessing that I 'm gone . Will I be missed by anyone besides my son ? Do I really want to die now ? No I don 't I want to see my grand kids grow up and be there to help them through life . However I want to know what my purpose is , do I have one ? I want to write , I 've always loved to write but I can 't stay focused , I can 't think of words I once used everyday . I 'm worried about my getting the medication that keeps me going . I feel isolated sometimes like I 'm totally alone in this world . I get on the computer and go to the social networks my support group and still I feel alone . I have no where to go except to the doctors . My girls don 't have much to say to me , so I don 't bother them . I call my family , a few call me but all in all I feel alone and I know it 's all in my head . My mate is always going to the bar and doing her thing . She says she 'll take me here or we 'll do this but never do , just empty promises . I can 't go anywhere because I can 't afford to buy my meds , so how can I afford anything else . I know I must be rambling on and on . This blog is the only place I have to speak my my mind or thoughts . When I talk to friends and family they tell me about their lives , I know they don 't want to hear the way I feel so I just say , I 'm okay . I don 't want to die today , but what about tomorrow ? Will I become so sad that I just give up ? I believe that life is like book , you don 't know what adventures will happen on the next page . I 'm one of those readers that will keep reading a bad book juPosted by Me Verse Lupus : Telling more of my story : " Today I 'm not broken . Well at this moment I 'm not , my moods are subject to change . One of the things I hate about this damn lupus is I don 't . . . " Me Verse Lupus : Telling more of my story : " Today I 'm not broken . Well at this moment I 'm not , my moods are subject to change . One of the things I hate about this damn lupus is I don 't . . . " Today I 'm not broken . Well at this moment I 'm not , my moods are subject to change . One of the things I hate about this damn lupus is I don 't know who I 'll be from day to day . I read somewhere that the steroids can make you phsycotic , maybe I 'm becoming bipolar . I 'm not hearing voices but the mood swings are crazy , no pun indented . I won 't take any mood altering drugs though , unless they give me cocaine in a pill . The last time I took Cymbalta I was happy , so happy I didn 't know how to handle it , it felt uncomfortable because I really don 't know what true happiness feels like . But today I 'm good . The last thing I spoke about was the raid on the house . My stepson got seven years . His girlfriend got probation . He brought her a engagement ring , and he had $ 900 on a gold chain , the receipt was lost . How fucked up is that , they could spend money on jewelry but not pay rent to me . I tell you I won 't help anyone any more , I was taken advantage of . His girlfriend moved out . I still had a house full of people . My oldest daughter was working for me in my home care agency . She had a live - in case and was home only on the weekends . She had a boyfriend that was a drug dealer , gang banger . That thing about telling your children you disapprove of their relationships , could and will result in pushing them together . It 's true . Neither me or Mr . 23 years like this man . He was grimy , he had no respect for anyone . I could say he was / is a pshycopath . I was at work and something happen I don 't know what , but the fool had a tech 9 I think , or some big ugly gun . Someone said something to him or disrespected my daughter and he came out and shot at a car . My neighbor was a Port Authority cop . He had his back and didn 't say anything . My daughter cleaned the fingerprints off the gun . He had a bullet proof vest in the closet and the gun . Both illegal . They picked up the the shell castings , the police . They raided the house again . Everyone was let go , I didn 't get locked up this time , but both my daughters , Mr . 23 and my daughters stinking manMy daughter didn 't understand that I was looking out for her interest . My step son was hiding from the police for 4 years and when they finally arrested him in the raid , the crime he was hiding from , they gave him hardly any time . He screwed up his life for something that could of gone away easily . I didn 't want my daughter to do this . Today she has no record , almost has her BS and is working for the NYC Housing Authority . She has two kids by the ass hole but today she knows he 's an ass hole . My youngest daughter had a boyfriend that use to come and sit in the house just to watch her . My daughter wasn 't interested in him , but he finally wore her down . He was possessive and use to beat her . One of the guys that lived in the house almost choked him after I told him how he was abusing my daughter . This guy I 'll call him K . He was a true gangster . He paid his rent to me , regularly . He was over protective of me and thought I was a good person . I use to sit up at night drinking and doing my coke , I would sit out on the front steps and just hang out . Mr . 23 was with the woman who became his wife or one of the many women he was seeing . I got K and another of Mr . 23 friends drunk . I went up to bed and left them out side . One of the guys kicked my dog . I loved my Sammy , he was the best pet I ever had . Well K almost killed the guy over my dog . Mr . 23 was out or passed out in bed , K and I would sit up at night sniffing and talking . He was a good man , but short tempered . The artist , who was Mr . 23 friend like his brother , I mentioned him several time earlier . He 's a gangster too , he was creating album covers for some of the known rappers . Again I didn 't get any rent money . The artist liked to smoke PCP , now I 've had angel dust , that 's mint leaves soaked with PCP , dried then smoked . The way the Artist smoked it was to dip a cigarette in the liquid and then smoke it . Mr . 23 and I did this together and it was nice . It was like we were in a dream and we talked about a future that was going to be wonderful . We made love and it was nice . I liked that PCP but knew I was tripping and didn 't want to get hooked on that . Mr . 23 got hooked and started smoking it everyday and it bugged him out . He was running around the street talking about buying foreclosed houses and reselling them . He was out in the street doing karate . One day he came home and beat me with a paddle until I was black and blue on my ass . The artist came upstairs and got him to stop . After he packed up and move out to his now wife . Before that he was threatening and acting crazy . I called the police and he was taken to the hospital . The hospital called and said they were releasing him . I told them he just threatened to kill me and the doctor said he sounds normal now , call him and see . I called Mr . 23 and when he heard my voice he said , " you called the police on me , when I get out here I 'm going to kill you ! " I called the doctor back and the doc said they were going to keep him . This is when things started to change . My mate just woke up and just commented about me being on the computer . She killed my good mood as usual . I will be telling my story about her soon . Me Verse Lupus : Broken inside : " I 've been feeling a bit depressed since the year has come in . I 'm trying to get out the funk but it 's just lingering on . My feelings on that . . . " I 've been feeling a bit depressed since the year has come in . I 'm trying to get out the funk but it 's just lingering on . My feelings on that is fuck it . I 've always had me and I shouldn 't care how lonely I feel because I have God and me always and that 's all that matters . With that said , I lost a total of 15 pounds ! I hope that by the time I go to the doctor next month I will be under 300 pounds , that 's just 5 pounds away . Yesterday I received a call from the SLE Lupus Foundation asking about the health insurance I have with the Health Care Reform Act . They gave my number to an international news station , online newspaper . They are coming to interview me today to find out how the health insurance impacted my life . The House is trying to repeal the Health Care Act . They meet on January 12th I believe . Anyway the site is Aljazeera English . I 'll post the article or video if they use me . I started working on my novel yesterday . It 's hard for me to stay focused . I remember I use to have no problem writing . I use to write poems and short stories in like one , two , three . It sadness me because writing is my love and it is difficult today . I feel so isolated and alone and the funny thing I have always felt this way . Even when I was in a room full of people . Just before I became sick I wrote the following poem . I was having difficulty breathing . I was tired all the time and I was just sad . Me Verse Lupus : My New year : " I 'm back ! ! I 'm feeling okay today . The rash is gone , the blister on my hand popped and it 's healing , it no longer hurts . I 'm bre . . . " I 'm back ! ! I 'm feeling okay today . The rash is gone , the blister on my hand popped and it 's healing , it no longer hurts . I 'm breathing easier . I needed to use the oxygen a few times when I was sitting . I had a hard time breathing out there in the snow when I went out to get on the Access - A - Ride and got off . But I did okay yesterday when I got home . I came in ate , unpacked took a shower and got in the bed around 5 pm . I got up a few times to use the bathroom , take my evening meds but all and all I slept and slept and slept until this morning . I got out the bed at 7 : 50am , I got up because I needed to take my medication . I had an interesting time with my online support group , there was an argument . Can you imagine ? I 'm not going to get into it , only to say I am disappointed in myself for feeding into the bull shit . I don 't know how active I will be on the site after this . I joined the lupus , COPD and PH groups . The lupus group was the most welcoming . Now I have to just watch and see how it is from now on . I went to my daughters ' , I was there from Wednesday until Saturday afternoon . It was peaceful but I was sad . Sad that my daughters don 't share my family values , traditions or togetherness what ever it is , I don 't know . My daughter didn 't get a Christmas tree , she told me this but still the kids didn 't show any evidence of Christmas at all . No candy canes , Christmas drawings . They got video games so there weren 't any new toys around the place . They thanked me for the gifts I gave them , with money I spent that today leaves my bank account with a negative balance . I did what I could yet they tell me they wanted something else . I know they don 't know better but it still hurt a bit . My youngest daughters ' son was with his father . I asked why she didn 't tell me to bring him when I came on Wednesday . She says he would mess up her weekend , then tried to clean it up by saying he needed to spend time with his daddy . On New Years Eve , my daughter brought us McDonald 's for dinner . She got out the bed around 12pm . I asked if we were going to have rice and peas and vegetables and some meat . She said it 's a waste of money . I got even sadder . When we were kids and when my kids were kids we always blew up balloons , we had hats , noise makers and there was a dinner cooking . When I was a kid my grandmother would have stinking chitterlings cooking , pig feet , spareribs , greens , potato salad and rice and peas . There were drinks and champagne for the new year . We would pop the balloons , toast the year and give everyone a hug and kiss . When my kids were little we did the same thing only we didn 't have pork , we had beef ribs or steak , no pork . My daughter brought little horns , and sparkling apple cider . It was just me and my two grandchildren , my daughters left and my other grandson wasn 't there . I tried to make it feel like a big thing for my babies but it was sad to me . I don 't make resolutions , I 'm still not putting demands on myself but I plan to work on my novels and finish them . I 'm going to try and work at them like a job . I don 't have any appointment until the end of the month so I will have time to write a lot . I 'm praying that I can be discipline . We live in a world full of certifiable , psychotic and derange crazies who are all on the verge of madness . Everyone is insane except me . I am sharing my rational , balanced and lucid knowledge in an attempt to save the world of total confinement in insanity . But this is just my 2Cents and it 's not worth a penny . I got on the scale today and I 've lost a total of 12 pounds ! I 'm very happy 6 more and I will be under 300 pounds . I 'm feeling . . . It was a little rough this weekend . I was feeling down again . I 'm not complaining because this is the fate that God saw fit to give me s . . . Okay the people are all gone and the frig is full of food . Starch , mac & cheese , rice & peas , candie yams , stuffing , ham . Two pies , . . .

Writing this weekend 's story shares was one of the most emotional experiences I have faced with this blog so far . For me the breakup with the 5 - year was a story that needed to be told before I can go further in many of my postings . I feel as if readers need a better background to understand where my blog is going . But for me personally it was so emotionally draining that it took me multiple attempts to write it . Going through detail after detail wracked my brain so hard that after about 5 minutes of writing I had to take a break . The knot in my stomach was growing each time I went back , but in my mind this post needed to be put out there . After I had completed them and posted them I went back to read them one more time . Those two blogs are two I am extremely proud of . I feel as if writing them was very therapeutic for me . I see myself as a strong individual , that forcefully gets over things quickly mostly by blocking them out , but these posts made me remember and with that came pain . But with the pain came further healing . It has been a few years since this all happened and I have dealt with most of the grief but writing these posts brought up more than I was expecting . I see it all as a good thing though . I see it as progress . 2 days after he left he changed his Facebook status to in a relationship with her and started posting pictures of everything they were doing together . After he left I lost about 20lbs in 13 days . I didn 't eat . All I did was sleep . I only dragged myself to some of my classes , ending up with low grades that semester . I was falling apart day by day and nothing could help me . I ended up in the hospital multiple times with severe chest pains , which I now attribute to dehydration and mainly heart break . I had no one in my life to talk to other than my mother , and she was being stubborn with trying to wipe him out of my memory . I needed my own time to heal and gather my thoughts . Icouldn 't be forced to move forward by anyone . Moving on is the hardest , most grueling process you will ever know or face . For some moving on isn 't an option , for others it is not needed . Some may need days , other years , or others yet who need lifetimes . Eventually though through own self perseverance and strength I believe everyone has it in them to move on . The most important part to starting this process is realizing that you are somebody . That no matter what , that person didn 't take you . You always had you . You might have been with them , changed who you seem to be , but when they leave you are still you . You might be bruised and broken , and shattered into a thousand pieces , but piece by piece you can rebuild yourself . It took almost 2 years for me to get to where I am now . I am over him and what he did to me . I have grown significantly in the time since he has left . I am finally able to say I am proud of myself for standing on my own , for figuring out who I really am as a person , not who I was with him . I felt like I was losing him , that I needed to assert myself to make sure he remembered I was his girl . We had been together for almost 5 years , he had to remember that and all of our moments . I started down the lovey dovey path . I made him videos with all of our cute pictures . I stopped by his work as much as possible and dropped off his favorite food . I started to befriend any coworker I could , make sure they all knew who I was and that I was a good girl friend . I even went to the point of hanging out with her . Twice we hung out as a group , we didn 't really talk much but I was there . I made points to kiss my ex on cue . Hold his hand as much as I could . Just make sure she knew he was taken . We went fishing together one day , just the two of us and I asked to use his phone for a second . I knew what I was doing . Lately he had been making it a point to hide his phone and delete texts . This time I asked to use it to look up something online . We were having a fine day and he was not even thinking about what I was going to do . He handed it to me and he cast his line . I opened the messages . I was done . My heart was crushed . I felt like I wanted to vomit . But I went on acting like nothing was wrong . Yet again my brain said there was no definitive evidence he was cheating . Was it inappropriate , yes , but was there much else , sadly no . This was the beginning of the end . My fear turned me into this jealous beast that couldn 't let go of the fact something was going on . We had so many talks . So many talks . I don 't even remember how many late nights we had sitting around just talking about it . In the start of summer he was asking me what type of engagement ring I wanted one day and moving in together . By the end we were hardly talking and he was acting so shady . Nights we were supposed to hang out he was gone . He didn 't answer his phone until the next day . I had learned that he had been going up to his friend 's apartment which was a party house . What he withheld from me was that every time he took her . I found out through comments on facebook , which he shortly deleted . I confronted him again . He proceeded to write me a love letter , saying that he will always be mine , that she means nothing , she is out of the picture . I believed it . My heart was his . For 5 years we had been together . He had been all that I had ever known and his word meant something to me . A life without him seemed impossible . My mind couldn 't even imagine it . It was him , and it was always going to be him . He turned the talks into making me look crazy . That I was just the psychotic jealous girl friend . I started to believe it . I truly believed that I was turning into a monster and was pushing him away . Because of this I stopped bringing any of it up . I went on like normal . I tried to contain my feelings the best I could . In the very beginning of the school year he came over after class . I had stopped by his car and dropped him off some food . I knew he would be hungry , and I didn 't want him to be hungry . I was trying . I was trying my hardest to act normal , to calm down my jealous ways , to move on like the summer had never happened . We went over to the park and just sat there talking for 4 hours . I said if he needed time to think that would be okay . I said that he could leave if he came back . I said if he needed time to figure out his mind it would be okay . He said he loved me . He said he didn 't know what he wanted . He said he needed time . I gave him the weekend . I said lets talk on Sunday . I didn 't realize he was literally not going to say a word to me until Sunday , 6 days away . And I promised him I wouldn 't say anything to him , not unless he messaged me first . Every day I stared at my phone , hoping , praying I would see a message from him . I waited and waited . Nothing . My aunt came down that weekend just because , and Saturday night we went out to dinner . She asked about him . He was a part of the family by this point . I didn 't respond . My mother pulled her aside and told her what was going on . The entire time I went to my mother , leaving out some parts because I didn 't want her to judge me . She knew he was being unfaithful but didn 't have the strength to tell me . It was best for me to figure it out for myself . Plus I didn 't want to hear those words . I didn 't want to think of a future without him . The restaurant was right next to his work . We walked in , my eyes stayed focus on the doors of his work . His car was there . Her car was parked right next to his . I knew she was there . I knew in those moments that when I was weak and crumbling he was having the time of his life . I messaged him Sunday morning , since he never did . We decided to meet at the park again . I got dressed to the nines , making sure he knew what he was losing , and I left . I knew it was over . I drove to that park fueled with anger . The lack of response showed he knew it was over as well . We walked up the hill and sat on the benches . He sat on one end and I on the other . He looked down the entire time . He never had the courage to say that he was breaking up with me . Instead he spewed lies and said that he was scared to be with me because I was so fragile . Because of my MEDICAL conditions he was leaving me . He was afraid to touch me anymore . That I was too sick and it was impairing his quality of life . That he couldn 't truly live with me in his life . That he wanted to have fun and not worry about what would happen to me . I told him I 'm not stupid . I told him I know what 's going on . I told him that I hope his decisions make him happy and that he can live with himself . I said after 5 years some girl that whored herself around work , who is also 2 years younger than you and underage is what you picked . That you chose her over me , and that you are no man . I didn 't spit what I wanted to at him . I just said I hope he was happy , and I picked myself up and walked away . I was 15 and just entering the high school era that would be filled with all new experiences . Over that summer my remaining friends either betrayed me and left me behind , or were no longer going to public school . So starting out the year I had no one and it broke my heart . I was again a loner with no one to turn to . I fit into the group that no one else wanted , and even then wasn 't exactly wanted there either . When the opportunity came up to hang out with all my old friends I jumped , that would be the time to rekindle the close bonds we had lost over months of lack of communication . I met my old best friend at the food court at the local mall , there we met up with some of my other friends but also new people who had taken my place for all of them . I was laughing and having a good time . It was just like the old days of running around being kids . Not a care in the world . It 's there where I met him . My friend introduced me in of all places Hot Topic . He was goofy but seemed like a bad boy . His fro was out of this world and his smile was intoxicating . No one had looked at me like that ever . The entire night we chatted and hung close to each other . I was oblivious to the flirting , but he got my number and the rest was history . We would text each other constantly . He was all I could think about . My 15 year old mind was overjoyed . Although he didn 't go to my school we still were able to hang out on weekends . A few weeks into knowing him I asked if he wanted to be my boyfriend . I was 15 , headstrong , and naive . He said yes and the rest was history . I was with him for 5 years . We grew up together in pivotal times in both of our lives . I was struggling at home with my medical problems and father drama , but he was my freedom . He was the one that kept me going . He was always there for me no matter what . He eventually turned into the only person I had . The friends at school left me , the home life was silent , and I was all alone . But in my mind I had him . Eventually we both lost our v - cards together and became each others best friend . I was happy with only having him . It seemed right , and it seemed that my love story would have a happy ending . We talked about getting married , moving in together , maybe even one day starting a family . We vacationed together . We explored together . We did everything together . When I was diagnosed with POTS he was there . When I couldn 't talk because it hurt too much he would bear with me . When I was going to be put under for testing he would send me flowers and teddy bears . He genuinely seemed to care . By the time my step - father had left he had been there through my court battles , medical struggles and continuing diagnosis , being home schooled , and being completely bedridden for 6 months . We started college together , sadly at different universities but still within driving distance . We had started the relationship seeing each other once a weekend , then maybe a few times a week once he drove , then almost every day when I drove . So with the different universities I saw no trouble . By the time we both completed freshman year he was able to transfer to my school , which I thought would be the best thing ever . He also had gotten a new job over that Christmas , which meant he had new people at work that I didn 't know . Slowly I met everyone but was kept on the outskirts . They were much older anyways since it was an auto - parts store . By the time summer rolled around things were going to change . There was a new girl . She stayed away from me , but hung out with everyone else there . She knew I was his girl . She saw me there . I had ruled her out as nothing after discussing my fears with him . He understood and told me not to worry , they were just friends . As the summer started I could see him pulling away . My fear was that he was with her , though I had no proof . I voiced my concerns as much as possible . Voiced my concerns over his work schedule that was increasing and increasing by his own choice . By midsummer he got so angry at me that he refused to talk to me for a week . He was struggling with his own family and the after effects of a nasty divorce . I let him have that time to cool down , I knew if I said any more it would just push him away . I thought he occupied himself with work , I was wrong . Once the communication lines were reopened we were back to normal . I looked the other way as it it had never happened . Everything was fine . Everything was going to be okay again . Then one day he left his phone out . I went to go take a selfie to make his new background , and there it was . The chain of messages . I knew I shouldn 't have looked , that it was his phone and his privacy , but it was also my heart and my feelings . For the entire week he had confided in her . The chain included many many days where they were hanging out , doing who knows what . There were questionable messages but still again , no definitive evidence . My mind shut it out , my mind still told me it was okay . It broke my heart that he was talking to her and not me though and that couldn 't be ignored . I again voiced my fears with him . He again told me not to worry . She was just a friend . She always taught me how to pick up the pieces . She always taught me to be strong , that nothing can ever stop you . Where there 's a will , there 's a way . My mother did not crumble after the so called love of her life left her , instead she composed herself . She picked herself up and became unstoppable . She moved forward with her life and showed me that no person can bring you down . They can rip away everything from you , tear your heart out and walk all over it , but what comes in the aftermath is up to you . You can either let them win and be defeated , or you can show them that you in fact did not ever need them . The best revenge is happiness . It took her a few months but she bounced right back . For the first time in her life she could truly say she was free . This meant a lot to her in many ways . She was free to live how she wanted , not worrying about upsetting him . She was free from an abusive relationship , both my father and my step - dad . Her entire life she had , had toxic men but for once they were all finally gone . There was no one there to intrude on her when she was weak . She was ready to be the woman she was truly meant to be . She could blossom . She now had all the power in her hands . The world could be her oyster , as cheesy as that sounds , it was true . The limitations were gone and a woman could finally come into her own . Sure she cried . For months I would hear her weeping in her room next door . She lost weight , as any person would going through a time of extreme stress and suffering . But as the months passed she became stronger and stronger . I could see the light coming back to her eyes , I could see my mother coming back to me . When the cancer treatments were finally over and she was in the clear she found herself a job . She put herself out for the very first time in her life for dating . She signed up for multiple dating websites and took herself out . She said yes she could . She didn 't care . She had never had this before in her life . It was all new and for her it was all so exciting . She wasn 't looking for the next permanent relationship , she was looking to have fun . Forever the men in her life strangled the life out of her . She couldn 't go anywhere or do anything . She was stuck , but not anymore . Sure , were there a lot of busts , yes but it didn 't get to her . It was her time to learn and her time to explore . But most importantly live again . Over these past 4 years since he left I have seen her turn into a completely different woman . She is care free and putting her happiness above anything else that 's trivial . She has learned to manage the stress of everyday life and make sure what she does is exactly what she wants to do . There is no living for another anymore , it is her heart and she plans to keep it in tact . What I have learned from her is that no person should ever control you , and no matter what the emotional grips they have over you , you are your own person . Even when they walk away it is not the end of the world . This is a time for you to be reborn and carry on with your life . No person is worth being miserable over , especially when they have intent to hurt you . You are better than that and deserve better than that . Sometimes you need to be ripped away from your comfort zone to realize your potential . My mother was comfortable in this abusive cycle , not looking outward to see what her life could be . Then when he left and made that first decision it enabled her to push forward , to see that there is life outside of this horridness . It might have been an extreme situation but she picked herself up and is happier today because of it . I ask her sometimes if she ever thinks about him , or misses him . She always responds with him leaving was the best thing to ever have happen to her . She doesn 't hate him , she doesn 't love him still either . She feels nothing towards this man , because he deserves nothing else from her . He took a good portion of her life and she was ready to move on . Her life is now her own and she has learned to find healthy relationships . She is currently with the sweetest man who just enjoys her company . They have been together for a year and a half . I truly and honestly couldn 't be happier for her . She deserves to be treated right and live a life of freedom , free of abuse . Share this : TwitterFacebookGoogleLike this : Like Loading . . . Because You Are a Liar and a Cheat . March 30 , 2015April 2 , 2015 / Not Always Knotty / 6 Comments He was gone . Out of the house , and with hope out of our lives . But my mother knew all too well that he would be back , and when he came back he wanted the house . For a few weeks my step - dad was gone , completely out of contact with anyone . He had told my mother he was leaving , packed some things , and left . They had been together for 15 years and just like that he was gone . I went on to graduate high school , on time might I add , which was a huge achievement . He had been with me throughout my journey whether he liked it or not , and when this beyond important date finally came he was not present . He had vanished just like that . One minute we were bonding over life and the next he had moved on . Deemed us no longer worthy to be in his life , just like that , with a snap of his fingers . When he came back he forced my mother into a corner , either get out of the house or pay him what he owned . His name was on the title , making him the half owner of the house even though my mother first purchased the house and paid it on her own for 3 years . My mother , still going through cancer treatments , decided she would just pay him off . What choice did she have ? She wasn 't going to let him take everything and get away with it . He was stubborn . Not for a million years did he think she would settle , and he came at her with everything saying that he owned more than he did . He argued over the money for months . My mother had to take out a loan in order to pay him back , and days before the closing fee was due he backed out . He said he refused to pay his part , so to get rid of him my mother paid his fee . All of this just to stay in our house , the only house I have ever known . Why did he do this , oh for the money of course . Part of this property he owned , and with that came money , even if it was a trivial amount . Later he came and took the rest of his things . His brother helped him move the stuff out , the brother that was closer to my mother than my step - dad . They took meaningless things , but it was still the act of coming into our house and removing items that I have grown up with . It was like I was reliving what I did years before with my father . I was losing memories , even if they were held in material items . My mother stood stoic on the front lawn as they removed piece after piece . I followed them around the house to make sure they weren 't taking things they weren 't supposed to . After the truck was loaded up they were gone . So why did he do all of this ? Why did he rip a family apart ? His reasoning was because he was finding himself , that this journey he was going through did not include us . He was adopted as an infant and grew up with these feeling of abandonment , then he had two children it turns out he didn 't want and in turn practically abandoned . These feelings are what he blamed for leaving . He added that he couldn 't handle our medical problems , that it was just too hard for him . So he left . My mother did more for that man than he ever deserved . He never opened up to her except in the end when he was looking for a scapegoat . My mother raised his children , fought battle after battle for him to have better custody , told him what to say to have a real bond with his children , paid for everything and anything all on her own even though she too was sick and struggling . She did all of that for him , so that he could have a good relationship with them . Well it turns out they were both mistakes that he never wanted . My mother 's last name revolves around Valentine 's day and she was born only 3 days after the holiday , so pretty much Valentine 's day was her day . In all 15 years he never once took her out or bought her a present . He viewed it as meaningless which meant he could care less . He viewed every holiday as meaningless . For Christmas my mother would go out and buy his children gifts so that they had something to open from their father . My mother did everything for him . In his weakest moments she was there to pick up the pieces . Well it turns out it was all for nothing . When the pressure was on him he couldn 't handle being a real man . He was a coward all along . He was cheating . All along it was another woman . All the lies that came out of his mouth were to cover his own ass to make him feel better . Apparently saying that you 're leaving because you need to find yourself makes the guilt less than saying what is really going on . Apparently that makes it all okay . The moment we knew was when he accidentally sent a check ( which was so small that it didn 't make sense , years later we figured out it might have been him sending money for the closing fee ? ) with his address on it . An address we looked up , which was owned by a woman , a woman who went to the same yoga studio as him , a woman he had wrote about in his yoga journal . She was younger than him , had her own house , and was on this spiritual journey . Just like he " was " . She was living the lifestyle he wanted , and unknown to us they ended up together . Both my mother and I drive by the house often since it is on a main road going to the local hub of the area . His ancient car sits in the driveway . The man that refused to buy anything found a new host to mooch off of . His charm is never ending and clearly she was as easily fooled as my mother . What he does is mooch off of people . He has this innate desire to save , save , save . For what ? We will never know . At this point he would have close or over a million dollars . Yet he has nothing to his name . He has a car that is falling apart , no property to call his own , no relationship with his only family , and no interest in marriage or anything . . He essentially has nothing . But yet he must think he has everything . He gets to live in another house , pay nothing , live the lifestyle he wants , and pretty much get away with murder . He left us . He abandoned us . A ran running away from his own turmoil with abandonment went and left his closest family . And he didn 't even care . He had a family that loved him and was working with him . Sure it needed some serious help but when something is worth it you never give up . And you never leave when he did with my mother still battling cancer and me struggling to get out of bed every day . The day he removed his things was the last time we heard from him . He has never contacted my mother . Contacting me would be a joke , I wasn 't even on his radar to begin with . That was 4 years ago and I have no doubt for the rest of our lives we will never hear from him again . It was another night of screaming . Another night of hiding behind my bed trying not to make a sound . They were going at it again , my mother and my step - dad , and I couldn 't help but listen . I heard the argument get more heated than ever , then the crash of something , then the footsteps upstairs . I quivered , I knew it was my mother . She came in and told me to stay in my room , that he had called the police on her . I waited in my room while the police came in and questioned everyone . Apparently my mother had " scratched " him when he threatening to call the police with the phone in hand . He had already dialed 911 and by the time my mother whacked it out of his hand they were on their way . The house was quiet after the police left . I went downstairs to stay with my mother and make sure she wasn 't going to do anything she would regret . He sat in the lazy boy chair my mother bought him . As my mother told me what happened in the kitchen he decided to make some sly comments from the living room , making it obvious for my mother to hear . He was egging her on just like he always did , and my mother still hadn 't calmed down from the incident right before . I stood in the doorway to the kitchen with my arms stretched out to block my mother from coming through . He made comment after comment , fueling my mother 's fire . As she was screaming at the top of her lungs I blocked her , I at least contained it to the kitchen . He sat in his chair , never leaving , just spitting fire . I screamed at my mother he isn 't worth it . I kept yelling it over and over and over again . Eventually I led my mother upstairs to her room and made sure she wasn 't coming out . The next week they were fighting yet again and I came downstairs to be a mediator . This was my role now , no matter how sick I was . Being the mediator came with the danger of failing , which I did many nights . This time though I screamed at him to leave , go to the movies or something . All he heard was leave and with this he was in my face spitting anger of how this was his house . Yet again a father figure inches from my face exploding . My mother quickly put herself in front of me and finished the fight without me . As time passed I started fighting back . I would spit fire right back at him . I would shake and cry and keep going until he shut up . I was done with him walking over everyone just because he was taking a different path . The fights were over many things . Mostly over me , or the financial situation . In his head my medical condition was a joke , that I was faking it . After all the years of him being a support . He literally carried me out of the house to be taken to the hospital . He saw how sick I was . He saw everything that had happened to me . He might have no been an active player in my life but he was there to see it all happen . The financial situation was grim with my mother on unemployment dealing with her cancer treatment and he well , he saved . He refused to spend any money . He paid half the mortgage and that was it . My mother 's half , even though she was fighting cancer , was still up to her to pay . This man said he was finding himself . When he came up short he took it out on my mother . Soon they just stopped talking all together . The house was a war zone with only a minute ceasefire put into place . As the months passed of the two of them not talking I actually surprisingly bonded with him . I had no one else to talk to so on nights when he was home we would talk . We talked about his life and his journey . At one point I even was happy for him because he deserved to be happy . I thought if he could find himself then he could mend the relationship with my mother and all would be well again . Plus with neither of them talking the house was quiet and the tension faded . A few weeks before my prom I was sitting on the sofa , my mother in a horrible mood , and I decided to make a sly comment . I remember saying , " god , what is up your butt today " . The most teenage thing to say of course . Little did I know that exact day was when he decided he was leaving for good . When prom arrived I still had no idea what was going on . My mother had composed herself and put on a happy face . My aunt came down to see me off to prom and enjoy this once in a lifetime experience . During pictures was when I realized he wasn 't present . I remember asking where he was , I wanted to take a picture with him . He had gone inside and eventually left for " yoga " . A week later my mother came to me and told me what was going on . He was moving out , he had already found a place to stay and refused to tell my mother where he was going . She told me she asked one night that it would be nice to see more of him , and that she missed him , his response was that he was leaving and ready to go . He told her during the week , and by the weekend he took only a handful of things and was gone . He took the drawers and emptied them into boxes , really only taking some clothes and some electronics . Then he was gone . When on the journey of finding oneself does ripping up others matter ? Does the cost of your happiness mean more to you than all the others around you ? Are you yourself doing what is actually right , or doing what you perceive as right ? I thought these things as he sat in front of me , no remorse in his face , no hint of pain in his eyes . He said he was leaving to find himself and he couldn 't find himself here . He said this is what he needed to do , and with that he walked out the door and walked out on a family that was left torn in half . My mother met my step - dad when she was with my father very early on and they all became great friends . Eventually my godfather was introduced and the final gang was formed . Everyone got married and had kids , and still stayed together as a pack . They vacationed together and hung out together , and when it was finally time for my mother to leave my abusive father they stayed with her instead of him . One after the other they all got divorced , and as fate saw it my mother ended up in a relationship with my step - dad . When my mother was able to she bought her first house and a few years later my step - dad moved in . I couldn 't be happier . He had two kids of his own my age and I grew up with them by my side . Of course he didn 't have custody so it was only on occasion I saw them , but during my summers off I bonded with them every moment I got . And I truly bonded to my step - dad since he was more of a father figure than my own dad . Together we formed this nontraditional family that just seemed to fit . In the early years the two of them seemed so happy together . It seemed like it was meant to be , that my mother after all of this time could be in a happy healthy relationship . But it was far from what it turned out to be . Year after year my medical condition got worse , and with that brought problems . Then when I finally took my father to court it was the last straw . The home life turned for the worst and the fighting started to spiral out of control . My teenage years I spent in my room , away from the nights where punches were practically thrown . My mother with her temper and my step - dad with his below the belt punches . There was no stopping them . The screaming would go on for hours and even when it was over he would go back for more . Neither of them were happy , but my mother insisted he was the love of her life . He was meant to be with her , and she was meant to be with him . Around the same time as my POTS diagnosis came the shocking news of my mother having breast cancer . I remember being in my room and they both come in , both with half smiles on their face . He leaned up against the wall and my mother sat next to me . She told me they had found a mass in her breast and it came back cancerous . I was in shock . How could this have happened to my mother ? She explained that it was only stage 1 and that it did not spread , but it was one of the most aggressive forms of cancer and she needed further treatment . My mother being who she is opted for just the radiation therapy and biweekly injections of a substance that would shut down the proteins of those cells . They pushed for chemo but opinion after opinion said that she didn 't really need to get it since it was only stage 1 and did not spread . They did want to give her a port though , which she said no to because then she would have to tell people since you could see the port . Without the port though her veins would be ruined . She accepted this fate if it meant she could hide this diagnosis from the world . She was fighting for her life and the only people she told was my step - dad and me . No one else in the family was told for her own sake , since then everyone would want to help her . My mother is the strongest woman I know and she didn 't want to be pitied . Telling people would just make them look at her weak , as someone who is now fighting for her life . She wanted nothing to do with that . After a botched tube was placed for her pinpoint radiation therapy she had to go back in for more surgery . Each time she would come home and my step - dad was in charge of helping her clean the open wound and helping support her . She was sliced and diced , and came home often with blood soaking through the bandages . She couldn 't come to me in her weakened state because in her eyes that was not right to show me , she had to be the caregiver , not the other way around . She never cried in front of me . She never broke down in front of me . The entire time I saw her as a fighter , which gave me strength to go on in my own fight . On top of everything else my mother was going through she was forced to resign from work because of the recovery period . In her mind it was the right thing to do , since battling cancer and holding a job in corporate America isn 't exactly the easiest thing to do . Plus this gave her the time to watch after me since I was also extremely weak and vulnerable . By the summer of my junior year of high school I saw less and less of my step - dad . I was told he was working late . He would roll in around 10pm and would be gone before I woke up in the morning . I always heard him come in since my window faces the driveway . And for about a year he was sleeping in the spare , apparently due to snoring ( which let me tell you he did . I heard him through the walls ) . Then it was because my mother didn 't want someone else in bed with her during the cancer treatment . Then it was just normal , they just didn 't sleep together . There was never any affection . It was a cold house of him just being there . It was either he was there and they fought or he wasn 't there and my mother would make excuses . That was now the norm . As my senior year rolled around and I was homebound yet again he came to us with exciting news . He had started yoga classes and joined the local YMCA . I was a little shocked honestly . This man was 6 ' 3 , easily almost 300 lbs , not exactly the yoga type . But that is what he wanted to do , and to keep him happy my mother supported him . As months went on his training took a more serious tone and he turned into this man that none of us knew . This man we knew was turning crooked . He had branched out of what either of us knew . The status quo was being challenged and he broke away from what was expected of him . But this left uncovered a dead man who wanted nothing more to reblossom . His life was yoga . There was nothing else . He decided he wanted to be trained to be a yoga master and yet again my mother supported him . He would come home with all of this weird information , come home saying that yoga can cure anything , come home saying that yoga would cure my mother of cancer and cure me of all my illnesses . He was crazed with the idea of being reborn . He wanted to cleanse his body of all evil spirits and be new again . He juiced like crazy , far more than recommended . He would fast for weeks in order to cleanse his body . Overall this large Italian man was turning into a husk of nothing . The light in his eyes was gone yet the smile on his face remained . The wrinkles grew along his thinning face . He was turning into a man that no one had ever seen before .

Writing this weekend 's story shares was one of the most emotional experiences I have faced with this blog so far . For me the breakup with the 5 - year was a story that needed to be told before I can go further in many of my postings . I feel as if readers need a better background to understand where my blog is going . But for me personally it was so emotionally draining that it took me multiple attempts to write it . Going through detail after detail wracked my brain so hard that after about 5 minutes of writing I had to take a break . The knot in my stomach was growing each time I went back , but in my mind this post needed to be put out there . After I had completed them and posted them I went back to read them one more time . Those two blogs are two I am extremely proud of . I feel as if writing them was very therapeutic for me . I see myself as a strong individual , that forcefully gets over things quickly mostly by blocking them out , but these posts made me remember and with that came pain . But with the pain came further healing . It has been a few years since this all happened and I have dealt with most of the grief but writing these posts brought up more than I was expecting . I see it all as a good thing though . I see it as progress . 2 days after he left he changed his Facebook status to in a relationship with her and started posting pictures of everything they were doing together . After he left I lost about 20lbs in 13 days . I didn 't eat . All I did was sleep . I only dragged myself to some of my classes , ending up with low grades that semester . I was falling apart day by day and nothing could help me . I ended up in the hospital multiple times with severe chest pains , which I now attribute to dehydration and mainly heart break . I had no one in my life to talk to other than my mother , and she was being stubborn with trying to wipe him out of my memory . I needed my own time to heal and gather my thoughts . Icouldn 't be forced to move forward by anyone . Moving on is the hardest , most grueling process you will ever know or face . For some moving on isn 't an option , for others it is not needed . Some may need days , other years , or others yet who need lifetimes . Eventually though through own self perseverance and strength I believe everyone has it in them to move on . The most important part to starting this process is realizing that you are somebody . That no matter what , that person didn 't take you . You always had you . You might have been with them , changed who you seem to be , but when they leave you are still you . You might be bruised and broken , and shattered into a thousand pieces , but piece by piece you can rebuild yourself . It took almost 2 years for me to get to where I am now . I am over him and what he did to me . I have grown significantly in the time since he has left . I am finally able to say I am proud of myself for standing on my own , for figuring out who I really am as a person , not who I was with him . I felt like I was losing him , that I needed to assert myself to make sure he remembered I was his girl . We had been together for almost 5 years , he had to remember that and all of our moments . I started down the lovey dovey path . I made him videos with all of our cute pictures . I stopped by his work as much as possible and dropped off his favorite food . I started to befriend any coworker I could , make sure they all knew who I was and that I was a good girl friend . I even went to the point of hanging out with her . Twice we hung out as a group , we didn 't really talk much but I was there . I made points to kiss my ex on cue . Hold his hand as much as I could . Just make sure she knew he was taken . We went fishing together one day , just the two of us and I asked to use his phone for a second . I knew what I was doing . Lately he had been making it a point to hide his phone and delete texts . This time I asked to use it to look up something online . We were having a fine day and he was not even thinking about what I was going to do . He handed it to me and he cast his line . I opened the messages . I was done . My heart was crushed . I felt like I wanted to vomit . But I went on acting like nothing was wrong . Yet again my brain said there was no definitive evidence he was cheating . Was it inappropriate , yes , but was there much else , sadly no . This was the beginning of the end . My fear turned me into this jealous beast that couldn 't let go of the fact something was going on . We had so many talks . So many talks . I don 't even remember how many late nights we had sitting around just talking about it . In the start of summer he was asking me what type of engagement ring I wanted one day and moving in together . By the end we were hardly talking and he was acting so shady . Nights we were supposed to hang out he was gone . He didn 't answer his phone until the next day . I had learned that he had been going up to his friend 's apartment which was a party house . What he withheld from me was that every time he took her . I found out through comments on facebook , which he shortly deleted . I confronted him again . He proceeded to write me a love letter , saying that he will always be mine , that she means nothing , she is out of the picture . I believed it . My heart was his . For 5 years we had been together . He had been all that I had ever known and his word meant something to me . A life without him seemed impossible . My mind couldn 't even imagine it . It was him , and it was always going to be him . He turned the talks into making me look crazy . That I was just the psychotic jealous girl friend . I started to believe it . I truly believed that I was turning into a monster and was pushing him away . Because of this I stopped bringing any of it up . I went on like normal . I tried to contain my feelings the best I could . In the very beginning of the school year he came over after class . I had stopped by his car and dropped him off some food . I knew he would be hungry , and I didn 't want him to be hungry . I was trying . I was trying my hardest to act normal , to calm down my jealous ways , to move on like the summer had never happened . We went over to the park and just sat there talking for 4 hours . I said if he needed time to think that would be okay . I said that he could leave if he came back . I said if he needed time to figure out his mind it would be okay . He said he loved me . He said he didn 't know what he wanted . He said he needed time . I gave him the weekend . I said lets talk on Sunday . I didn 't realize he was literally not going to say a word to me until Sunday , 6 days away . And I promised him I wouldn 't say anything to him , not unless he messaged me first . Every day I stared at my phone , hoping , praying I would see a message from him . I waited and waited . Nothing . My aunt came down that weekend just because , and Saturday night we went out to dinner . She asked about him . He was a part of the family by this point . I didn 't respond . My mother pulled her aside and told her what was going on . The entire time I went to my mother , leaving out some parts because I didn 't want her to judge me . She knew he was being unfaithful but didn 't have the strength to tell me . It was best for me to figure it out for myself . Plus I didn 't want to hear those words . I didn 't want to think of a future without him . The restaurant was right next to his work . We walked in , my eyes stayed focus on the doors of his work . His car was there . Her car was parked right next to his . I knew she was there . I knew in those moments that when I was weak and crumbling he was having the time of his life . I messaged him Sunday morning , since he never did . We decided to meet at the park again . I got dressed to the nines , making sure he knew what he was losing , and I left . I knew it was over . I drove to that park fueled with anger . The lack of response showed he knew it was over as well . We walked up the hill and sat on the benches . He sat on one end and I on the other . He looked down the entire time . He never had the courage to say that he was breaking up with me . Instead he spewed lies and said that he was scared to be with me because I was so fragile . Because of my MEDICAL conditions he was leaving me . He was afraid to touch me anymore . That I was too sick and it was impairing his quality of life . That he couldn 't truly live with me in his life . That he wanted to have fun and not worry about what would happen to me . I told him I 'm not stupid . I told him I know what 's going on . I told him that I hope his decisions make him happy and that he can live with himself . I said after 5 years some girl that whored herself around work , who is also 2 years younger than you and underage is what you picked . That you chose her over me , and that you are no man . I didn 't spit what I wanted to at him . I just said I hope he was happy , and I picked myself up and walked away . I was 15 and just entering the high school era that would be filled with all new experiences . Over that summer my remaining friends either betrayed me and left me behind , or were no longer going to public school . So starting out the year I had no one and it broke my heart . I was again a loner with no one to turn to . I fit into the group that no one else wanted , and even then wasn 't exactly wanted there either . When the opportunity came up to hang out with all my old friends I jumped , that would be the time to rekindle the close bonds we had lost over months of lack of communication . I met my old best friend at the food court at the local mall , there we met up with some of my other friends but also new people who had taken my place for all of them . I was laughing and having a good time . It was just like the old days of running around being kids . Not a care in the world . It 's there where I met him . My friend introduced me in of all places Hot Topic . He was goofy but seemed like a bad boy . His fro was out of this world and his smile was intoxicating . No one had looked at me like that ever . The entire night we chatted and hung close to each other . I was oblivious to the flirting , but he got my number and the rest was history . We would text each other constantly . He was all I could think about . My 15 year old mind was overjoyed . Although he didn 't go to my school we still were able to hang out on weekends . A few weeks into knowing him I asked if he wanted to be my boyfriend . I was 15 , headstrong , and naive . He said yes and the rest was history . I was with him for 5 years . We grew up together in pivotal times in both of our lives . I was struggling at home with my medical problems and father drama , but he was my freedom . He was the one that kept me going . He was always there for me no matter what . He eventually turned into the only person I had . The friends at school left me , the home life was silent , and I was all alone . But in my mind I had him . Eventually we both lost our v - cards together and became each others best friend . I was happy with only having him . It seemed right , and it seemed that my love story would have a happy ending . We talked about getting married , moving in together , maybe even one day starting a family . We vacationed together . We explored together . We did everything together . When I was diagnosed with POTS he was there . When I couldn 't talk because it hurt too much he would bear with me . When I was going to be put under for testing he would send me flowers and teddy bears . He genuinely seemed to care . By the time my step - father had left he had been there through my court battles , medical struggles and continuing diagnosis , being home schooled , and being completely bedridden for 6 months . We started college together , sadly at different universities but still within driving distance . We had started the relationship seeing each other once a weekend , then maybe a few times a week once he drove , then almost every day when I drove . So with the different universities I saw no trouble . By the time we both completed freshman year he was able to transfer to my school , which I thought would be the best thing ever . He also had gotten a new job over that Christmas , which meant he had new people at work that I didn 't know . Slowly I met everyone but was kept on the outskirts . They were much older anyways since it was an auto - parts store . By the time summer rolled around things were going to change . There was a new girl . She stayed away from me , but hung out with everyone else there . She knew I was his girl . She saw me there . I had ruled her out as nothing after discussing my fears with him . He understood and told me not to worry , they were just friends . As the summer started I could see him pulling away . My fear was that he was with her , though I had no proof . I voiced my concerns as much as possible . Voiced my concerns over his work schedule that was increasing and increasing by his own choice . By midsummer he got so angry at me that he refused to talk to me for a week . He was struggling with his own family and the after effects of a nasty divorce . I let him have that time to cool down , I knew if I said any more it would just push him away . I thought he occupied himself with work , I was wrong . Once the communication lines were reopened we were back to normal . I looked the other way as it it had never happened . Everything was fine . Everything was going to be okay again . Then one day he left his phone out . I went to go take a selfie to make his new background , and there it was . The chain of messages . I knew I shouldn 't have looked , that it was his phone and his privacy , but it was also my heart and my feelings . For the entire week he had confided in her . The chain included many many days where they were hanging out , doing who knows what . There were questionable messages but still again , no definitive evidence . My mind shut it out , my mind still told me it was okay . It broke my heart that he was talking to her and not me though and that couldn 't be ignored . I again voiced my fears with him . He again told me not to worry . She was just a friend . She always taught me how to pick up the pieces . She always taught me to be strong , that nothing can ever stop you . Where there 's a will , there 's a way . My mother did not crumble after the so called love of her life left her , instead she composed herself . She picked herself up and became unstoppable . She moved forward with her life and showed me that no person can bring you down . They can rip away everything from you , tear your heart out and walk all over it , but what comes in the aftermath is up to you . You can either let them win and be defeated , or you can show them that you in fact did not ever need them . The best revenge is happiness . It took her a few months but she bounced right back . For the first time in her life she could truly say she was free . This meant a lot to her in many ways . She was free to live how she wanted , not worrying about upsetting him . She was free from an abusive relationship , both my father and my step - dad . Her entire life she had , had toxic men but for once they were all finally gone . There was no one there to intrude on her when she was weak . She was ready to be the woman she was truly meant to be . She could blossom . She now had all the power in her hands . The world could be her oyster , as cheesy as that sounds , it was true . The limitations were gone and a woman could finally come into her own . Sure she cried . For months I would hear her weeping in her room next door . She lost weight , as any person would going through a time of extreme stress and suffering . But as the months passed she became stronger and stronger . I could see the light coming back to her eyes , I could see my mother coming back to me . When the cancer treatments were finally over and she was in the clear she found herself a job . She put herself out for the very first time in her life for dating . She signed up for multiple dating websites and took herself out . She said yes she could . She didn 't care . She had never had this before in her life . It was all new and for her it was all so exciting . She wasn 't looking for the next permanent relationship , she was looking to have fun . Forever the men in her life strangled the life out of her . She couldn 't go anywhere or do anything . She was stuck , but not anymore . Sure , were there a lot of busts , yes but it didn 't get to her . It was her time to learn and her time to explore . But most importantly live again . Over these past 4 years since he left I have seen her turn into a completely different woman . She is care free and putting her happiness above anything else that 's trivial . She has learned to manage the stress of everyday life and make sure what she does is exactly what she wants to do . There is no living for another anymore , it is her heart and she plans to keep it in tact . What I have learned from her is that no person should ever control you , and no matter what the emotional grips they have over you , you are your own person . Even when they walk away it is not the end of the world . This is a time for you to be reborn and carry on with your life . No person is worth being miserable over , especially when they have intent to hurt you . You are better than that and deserve better than that . Sometimes you need to be ripped away from your comfort zone to realize your potential . My mother was comfortable in this abusive cycle , not looking outward to see what her life could be . Then when he left and made that first decision it enabled her to push forward , to see that there is life outside of this horridness . It might have been an extreme situation but she picked herself up and is happier today because of it . I ask her sometimes if she ever thinks about him , or misses him . She always responds with him leaving was the best thing to ever have happen to her . She doesn 't hate him , she doesn 't love him still either . She feels nothing towards this man , because he deserves nothing else from her . He took a good portion of her life and she was ready to move on . Her life is now her own and she has learned to find healthy relationships . She is currently with the sweetest man who just enjoys her company . They have been together for a year and a half . I truly and honestly couldn 't be happier for her . She deserves to be treated right and live a life of freedom , free of abuse . Share this : TwitterFacebookGoogleLike this : Like Loading . . . Because You Are a Liar and a Cheat . March 30 , 2015April 2 , 2015 / Not Always Knotty / 6 Comments He was gone . Out of the house , and with hope out of our lives . But my mother knew all too well that he would be back , and when he came back he wanted the house . For a few weeks my step - dad was gone , completely out of contact with anyone . He had told my mother he was leaving , packed some things , and left . They had been together for 15 years and just like that he was gone . I went on to graduate high school , on time might I add , which was a huge achievement . He had been with me throughout my journey whether he liked it or not , and when this beyond important date finally came he was not present . He had vanished just like that . One minute we were bonding over life and the next he had moved on . Deemed us no longer worthy to be in his life , just like that , with a snap of his fingers . When he came back he forced my mother into a corner , either get out of the house or pay him what he owned . His name was on the title , making him the half owner of the house even though my mother first purchased the house and paid it on her own for 3 years . My mother , still going through cancer treatments , decided she would just pay him off . What choice did she have ? She wasn 't going to let him take everything and get away with it . He was stubborn . Not for a million years did he think she would settle , and he came at her with everything saying that he owned more than he did . He argued over the money for months . My mother had to take out a loan in order to pay him back , and days before the closing fee was due he backed out . He said he refused to pay his part , so to get rid of him my mother paid his fee . All of this just to stay in our house , the only house I have ever known . Why did he do this , oh for the money of course . Part of this property he owned , and with that came money , even if it was a trivial amount . Later he came and took the rest of his things . His brother helped him move the stuff out , the brother that was closer to my mother than my step - dad . They took meaningless things , but it was still the act of coming into our house and removing items that I have grown up with . It was like I was reliving what I did years before with my father . I was losing memories , even if they were held in material items . My mother stood stoic on the front lawn as they removed piece after piece . I followed them around the house to make sure they weren 't taking things they weren 't supposed to . After the truck was loaded up they were gone . So why did he do all of this ? Why did he rip a family apart ? His reasoning was because he was finding himself , that this journey he was going through did not include us . He was adopted as an infant and grew up with these feeling of abandonment , then he had two children it turns out he didn 't want and in turn practically abandoned . These feelings are what he blamed for leaving . He added that he couldn 't handle our medical problems , that it was just too hard for him . So he left . My mother did more for that man than he ever deserved . He never opened up to her except in the end when he was looking for a scapegoat . My mother raised his children , fought battle after battle for him to have better custody , told him what to say to have a real bond with his children , paid for everything and anything all on her own even though she too was sick and struggling . She did all of that for him , so that he could have a good relationship with them . Well it turns out they were both mistakes that he never wanted . My mother 's last name revolves around Valentine 's day and she was born only 3 days after the holiday , so pretty much Valentine 's day was her day . In all 15 years he never once took her out or bought her a present . He viewed it as meaningless which meant he could care less . He viewed every holiday as meaningless . For Christmas my mother would go out and buy his children gifts so that they had something to open from their father . My mother did everything for him . In his weakest moments she was there to pick up the pieces . Well it turns out it was all for nothing . When the pressure was on him he couldn 't handle being a real man . He was a coward all along . He was cheating . All along it was another woman . All the lies that came out of his mouth were to cover his own ass to make him feel better . Apparently saying that you 're leaving because you need to find yourself makes the guilt less than saying what is really going on . Apparently that makes it all okay . The moment we knew was when he accidentally sent a check ( which was so small that it didn 't make sense , years later we figured out it might have been him sending money for the closing fee ? ) with his address on it . An address we looked up , which was owned by a woman , a woman who went to the same yoga studio as him , a woman he had wrote about in his yoga journal . She was younger than him , had her own house , and was on this spiritual journey . Just like he " was " . She was living the lifestyle he wanted , and unknown to us they ended up together . Both my mother and I drive by the house often since it is on a main road going to the local hub of the area . His ancient car sits in the driveway . The man that refused to buy anything found a new host to mooch off of . His charm is never ending and clearly she was as easily fooled as my mother . What he does is mooch off of people . He has this innate desire to save , save , save . For what ? We will never know . At this point he would have close or over a million dollars . Yet he has nothing to his name . He has a car that is falling apart , no property to call his own , no relationship with his only family , and no interest in marriage or anything . . He essentially has nothing . But yet he must think he has everything . He gets to live in another house , pay nothing , live the lifestyle he wants , and pretty much get away with murder . He left us . He abandoned us . A ran running away from his own turmoil with abandonment went and left his closest family . And he didn 't even care . He had a family that loved him and was working with him . Sure it needed some serious help but when something is worth it you never give up . And you never leave when he did with my mother still battling cancer and me struggling to get out of bed every day . The day he removed his things was the last time we heard from him . He has never contacted my mother . Contacting me would be a joke , I wasn 't even on his radar to begin with . That was 4 years ago and I have no doubt for the rest of our lives we will never hear from him again . It was another night of screaming . Another night of hiding behind my bed trying not to make a sound . They were going at it again , my mother and my step - dad , and I couldn 't help but listen . I heard the argument get more heated than ever , then the crash of something , then the footsteps upstairs . I quivered , I knew it was my mother . She came in and told me to stay in my room , that he had called the police on her . I waited in my room while the police came in and questioned everyone . Apparently my mother had " scratched " him when he threatening to call the police with the phone in hand . He had already dialed 911 and by the time my mother whacked it out of his hand they were on their way . The house was quiet after the police left . I went downstairs to stay with my mother and make sure she wasn 't going to do anything she would regret . He sat in the lazy boy chair my mother bought him . As my mother told me what happened in the kitchen he decided to make some sly comments from the living room , making it obvious for my mother to hear . He was egging her on just like he always did , and my mother still hadn 't calmed down from the incident right before . I stood in the doorway to the kitchen with my arms stretched out to block my mother from coming through . He made comment after comment , fueling my mother 's fire . As she was screaming at the top of her lungs I blocked her , I at least contained it to the kitchen . He sat in his chair , never leaving , just spitting fire . I screamed at my mother he isn 't worth it . I kept yelling it over and over and over again . Eventually I led my mother upstairs to her room and made sure she wasn 't coming out . The next week they were fighting yet again and I came downstairs to be a mediator . This was my role now , no matter how sick I was . Being the mediator came with the danger of failing , which I did many nights . This time though I screamed at him to leave , go to the movies or something . All he heard was leave and with this he was in my face spitting anger of how this was his house . Yet again a father figure inches from my face exploding . My mother quickly put herself in front of me and finished the fight without me . As time passed I started fighting back . I would spit fire right back at him . I would shake and cry and keep going until he shut up . I was done with him walking over everyone just because he was taking a different path . The fights were over many things . Mostly over me , or the financial situation . In his head my medical condition was a joke , that I was faking it . After all the years of him being a support . He literally carried me out of the house to be taken to the hospital . He saw how sick I was . He saw everything that had happened to me . He might have no been an active player in my life but he was there to see it all happen . The financial situation was grim with my mother on unemployment dealing with her cancer treatment and he well , he saved . He refused to spend any money . He paid half the mortgage and that was it . My mother 's half , even though she was fighting cancer , was still up to her to pay . This man said he was finding himself . When he came up short he took it out on my mother . Soon they just stopped talking all together . The house was a war zone with only a minute ceasefire put into place . As the months passed of the two of them not talking I actually surprisingly bonded with him . I had no one else to talk to so on nights when he was home we would talk . We talked about his life and his journey . At one point I even was happy for him because he deserved to be happy . I thought if he could find himself then he could mend the relationship with my mother and all would be well again . Plus with neither of them talking the house was quiet and the tension faded . A few weeks before my prom I was sitting on the sofa , my mother in a horrible mood , and I decided to make a sly comment . I remember saying , " god , what is up your butt today " . The most teenage thing to say of course . Little did I know that exact day was when he decided he was leaving for good . When prom arrived I still had no idea what was going on . My mother had composed herself and put on a happy face . My aunt came down to see me off to prom and enjoy this once in a lifetime experience . During pictures was when I realized he wasn 't present . I remember asking where he was , I wanted to take a picture with him . He had gone inside and eventually left for " yoga " . A week later my mother came to me and told me what was going on . He was moving out , he had already found a place to stay and refused to tell my mother where he was going . She told me she asked one night that it would be nice to see more of him , and that she missed him , his response was that he was leaving and ready to go . He told her during the week , and by the weekend he took only a handful of things and was gone . He took the drawers and emptied them into boxes , really only taking some clothes and some electronics . Then he was gone . When on the journey of finding oneself does ripping up others matter ? Does the cost of your happiness mean more to you than all the others around you ? Are you yourself doing what is actually right , or doing what you perceive as right ? I thought these things as he sat in front of me , no remorse in his face , no hint of pain in his eyes . He said he was leaving to find himself and he couldn 't find himself here . He said this is what he needed to do , and with that he walked out the door and walked out on a family that was left torn in half . My mother met my step - dad when she was with my father very early on and they all became great friends . Eventually my godfather was introduced and the final gang was formed . Everyone got married and had kids , and still stayed together as a pack . They vacationed together and hung out together , and when it was finally time for my mother to leave my abusive father they stayed with her instead of him . One after the other they all got divorced , and as fate saw it my mother ended up in a relationship with my step - dad . When my mother was able to she bought her first house and a few years later my step - dad moved in . I couldn 't be happier . He had two kids of his own my age and I grew up with them by my side . Of course he didn 't have custody so it was only on occasion I saw them , but during my summers off I bonded with them every moment I got . And I truly bonded to my step - dad since he was more of a father figure than my own dad . Together we formed this nontraditional family that just seemed to fit . In the early years the two of them seemed so happy together . It seemed like it was meant to be , that my mother after all of this time could be in a happy healthy relationship . But it was far from what it turned out to be . Year after year my medical condition got worse , and with that brought problems . Then when I finally took my father to court it was the last straw . The home life turned for the worst and the fighting started to spiral out of control . My teenage years I spent in my room , away from the nights where punches were practically thrown . My mother with her temper and my step - dad with his below the belt punches . There was no stopping them . The screaming would go on for hours and even when it was over he would go back for more . Neither of them were happy , but my mother insisted he was the love of her life . He was meant to be with her , and she was meant to be with him . Around the same time as my POTS diagnosis came the shocking news of my mother having breast cancer . I remember being in my room and they both come in , both with half smiles on their face . He leaned up against the wall and my mother sat next to me . She told me they had found a mass in her breast and it came back cancerous . I was in shock . How could this have happened to my mother ? She explained that it was only stage 1 and that it did not spread , but it was one of the most aggressive forms of cancer and she needed further treatment . My mother being who she is opted for just the radiation therapy and biweekly injections of a substance that would shut down the proteins of those cells . They pushed for chemo but opinion after opinion said that she didn 't really need to get it since it was only stage 1 and did not spread . They did want to give her a port though , which she said no to because then she would have to tell people since you could see the port . Without the port though her veins would be ruined . She accepted this fate if it meant she could hide this diagnosis from the world . She was fighting for her life and the only people she told was my step - dad and me . No one else in the family was told for her own sake , since then everyone would want to help her . My mother is the strongest woman I know and she didn 't want to be pitied . Telling people would just make them look at her weak , as someone who is now fighting for her life . She wanted nothing to do with that . After a botched tube was placed for her pinpoint radiation therapy she had to go back in for more surgery . Each time she would come home and my step - dad was in charge of helping her clean the open wound and helping support her . She was sliced and diced , and came home often with blood soaking through the bandages . She couldn 't come to me in her weakened state because in her eyes that was not right to show me , she had to be the caregiver , not the other way around . She never cried in front of me . She never broke down in front of me . The entire time I saw her as a fighter , which gave me strength to go on in my own fight . On top of everything else my mother was going through she was forced to resign from work because of the recovery period . In her mind it was the right thing to do , since battling cancer and holding a job in corporate America isn 't exactly the easiest thing to do . Plus this gave her the time to watch after me since I was also extremely weak and vulnerable . By the summer of my junior year of high school I saw less and less of my step - dad . I was told he was working late . He would roll in around 10pm and would be gone before I woke up in the morning . I always heard him come in since my window faces the driveway . And for about a year he was sleeping in the spare , apparently due to snoring ( which let me tell you he did . I heard him through the walls ) . Then it was because my mother didn 't want someone else in bed with her during the cancer treatment . Then it was just normal , they just didn 't sleep together . There was never any affection . It was a cold house of him just being there . It was either he was there and they fought or he wasn 't there and my mother would make excuses . That was now the norm . As my senior year rolled around and I was homebound yet again he came to us with exciting news . He had started yoga classes and joined the local YMCA . I was a little shocked honestly . This man was 6 ' 3 , easily almost 300 lbs , not exactly the yoga type . But that is what he wanted to do , and to keep him happy my mother supported him . As months went on his training took a more serious tone and he turned into this man that none of us knew . This man we knew was turning crooked . He had branched out of what either of us knew . The status quo was being challenged and he broke away from what was expected of him . But this left uncovered a dead man who wanted nothing more to reblossom . His life was yoga . There was nothing else . He decided he wanted to be trained to be a yoga master and yet again my mother supported him . He would come home with all of this weird information , come home saying that yoga can cure anything , come home saying that yoga would cure my mother of cancer and cure me of all my illnesses . He was crazed with the idea of being reborn . He wanted to cleanse his body of all evil spirits and be new again . He juiced like crazy , far more than recommended . He would fast for weeks in order to cleanse his body . Overall this large Italian man was turning into a husk of nothing . The light in his eyes was gone yet the smile on his face remained . The wrinkles grew along his thinning face . He was turning into a man that no one had ever seen before .

Filed under : Grace , Life | Leave a comment Well , Halloween has come and gone . Grace went as a cheerleader . A Carolina Panther 's cheerleader ( which happens to be my favorite football team ) . I left my digital camera at my grandmother 's house , but we should have pictures soon . This Halloween was a lot like last Halloween . We first made a trip to Jennifer 's grandmother 's house , then went by our church where there was trunk - or - treat . We went into our church 's fellowship hall where they had some games for kids to play and everything was under dark lights . The white on Grace 's outfit and her little pumpkin ( which held her candy ) were both glowing . She was so cute . We ended the night by going up to my grandmother 's house . My grandma started a tradition of making dinner on Halloween a years ago . It works out well because we are able to go out and do the trick - or - treating without having to worry about dinner . When we got to my grandmother 's house , trick - or - treaters were still coming and going . I couldn 't help but notice that more and more kids aren 't even making an effort to dress up as something . When they don 't dress up , they just look like little kids coming up and begging for candy . I think I would demand that any kid I give candy to must first tell me what they are dressed up as . Yeah , I know . I 'll make them cry . But dang it , if I make the effort to go buy some candy , the kids can make an effort to dress up . That 's the problem with kids these days . They want the candy , but don 't want to work for it . Another thing I decided is that I am going to start telling kids that I want the trick . I doubt they even realize what they are saying when they come to the door . They give me the choice of giving a treat , or them pulling a trick . If I am expected to make good on the treat , they should be prepared make good on the trick . Maybe it should be a reward system . The better the trick , the more the candy . Lame tricks : no candy . Yeah , I like this idea . It 'll be fun until the local pyro decides a good trick would be to burn my house down . Ah , Kids . Filed under : Grace , Life | Leave a comment Well , I haven 't had much time to blog lately , but I thought I 'd tell a quick story . After Grace 's bath tonight , I put her in her booster seat for a snack like we always do . At first , she wanted grapes . I gave her four of them . She sat there and played with them for a while , so I picked one up , bit it in half and made yummy noises . She immediately reached for the grape I had bitten in half . When I gave it to her she put it in her mouth and smiled really big . She then lifted up another grape to my mouth . I bit that one in half and handed it to her . She stuffed that one in her mouth as well . Now , these were not small grapes . Her little cheeks are popping out at this point because she had both grapes in her mouth . She preceded to hand me another grape and I explained to her she had to swallow what she had . She didn 't seem to like that , but I took the rest of the grapes away and she didn 't have much of a choice . After getting down the two grapes , she started pointing at the counter . I couldn 't figure out what she was saying . She has a few things she can say really well now . " Duck " is one of them . It is funny because it starts out with a " Duh " and the end sounds like she is trying to cough up phlegm . By the way , thanks Google for telling me the correct spelling of phlegm . I entered " flem " and it made the suggestion . Amazing . I eventually figured out that she was pointing to the thing that we usually put her Goldfish crackers in . I filled it with some crackers and handed it to her . After she ate a few crackers , I decided to take the container away . She burst into tears . I mean genuinely upset with tears . Heart broken . I don 't usually fall for this , but maybe because she has a cold or because I am not feeling great myself , I gave in tonight and gave the container back . She proceeded to pour out the Goldfish onto her tray . She then put them back into the container by the handfuls , dumped the container out again , and filled it again . I think she did it 20 times or so . I watched her about 10 of those trying to figure out what was going through her precious little mind . It was adorable to watch because she was concentrating so hard on what she was doing . Filed under : Grace , Life | Leave a comment Wow , I have really slacked on getting around to writing this . This will be the last installment and it is pretty long . I almost broke it in two , but decided I would rather finish this up here so I don 't have to sit down and write another post about the vacation . It is getting harder and harder to remember details , but sitting down and doing this has really helped me commit things that happened to memory . I believe we 're up to Friday . We spent the first part of Friday at Ripley 's Aquarium . We were pretty sure that Grace would love the aquarium because she really likes fish and aquariums in general . We weren 't disappointed . When we first walked in the door , there was a large , round aquarium and Grace was immediately mesmerized by it . After leaving the big aquarium at the entrance , we quickly walked through an exhibit about Mars . Yes , you read that correctly . The aquarium had an exhibit about Mars . It was pretty interesting , but out of place . We moved through it quickly to get to the part we had paid for . The first REAL exhibit contained fish from the Amazon . Grace did not like the piranhas . Now , for those who have never seen a piranha in person , they are actually quite boring to look at . They sit eerily still . That is sort of the weird thing . Instead of swimming , they seem to just float around . Still , I don 't think that the near lifeless fish were what Grace did not like . I think it was the creepy , horror movie music that was playing in the exhibit . Next to the piranha aquarium was another tank with some more fish from the Amazon . There was a sign that explained how one of the fish in the tank was able to jump six feet out of the water and into the air . Jennifer pointed out that there was only about 3 to 4 feet between the surface of the water and the top of the tank , which did not have a cover . We decided it was time to move on . We moved on to the next exhibit that had tons of reef fish . Grace loved watching the brightly colored fish . After the reef exhibit we came to one of those long tunnels that you walk or ride through while sharks , string rays and other fish swim over your head . Grace pointed and giggled as we made our way through it . We have also been to the Ripley 's aquarium in Gatlinburg , and I couldn 't help but think there were more sharks swimming around at that one . I never thought I would find myself wishing there were more sharks swimming around me . In the center of the aquarium was a large touch tank that was surrounded by various things for kids to play with and on . There was a tunnel to crawl through , some large valves that were part of an exhibit about how the aquarium water is maintained , and another area that was setup to look like a pirate ship or something . We started by letting Grace run through the tunnel . She loved it , especially when some other kids started crawling through the tunnel with her . I just knew she was going to run through as fast as she could and smack her head on something , but she was pretty careful about it . She also spent some time playing with the valves at the water exhibit and tried to turn the wheel on the pirate ship . After all that fun , Grace wasn 't about to hold mommy 's or daddy 's hand anymore . She had tasted freedom and it was too good . It was at this point that angel Grace turned into … um … not so angel Grace . It was sort of funny though . If you grabbed her hand , she would just go limp and lay on the ground . There was no temper tantrum or screaming . She would just lie there . It was an instantaneous response . If you let go of her hand , she would almost immediately get up . If you grabbed her hand again , limp Gracie returned . It was sort of entertaining as she was so methodical about it . It was past her nap time and it had been a big morning , so after a few minutes we decided it was time for us to leave . I picked Grace up and we all headed for the car . On the way home we stopped by a seafood market to pick up some seafood for us to cook and eat that evening . Grace had fallen asleep on the way to the market , so Jennifer stayed in the car while I went in to get the seafood . While I was standing in the market waiting to be served , Jennifer walked in holding an alert Gracie . " She woke up and said , ' Where 's Dada ? ' " Jennifer told me . We bought some fresh scallops and grouper for our dinner and left . We got back to Ocean Lakes and we decided to make a trip to the pool , knowing full well that Grace probably wouldn 't like it . We first tried going to the large , outdoor kiddie pool they had . It was pretty neat . It had one of those mushrooms that had water running out the top and over the sides . It also had another thing that towered out of the pool with arms extending outward at the top . There were buckets at the end of each arm that filled with water and dumped when they were full . It looked like something you 'd find in a water park , but Grace wasn 't impressed . She wouldn 't even let us put her feet in the pool . We decided to retreat to the heated , indoor pool to see if we would have more luck there . We had a little more luck as she was fine sitting on the edge and kicking in the water , but she wouldn 't let either one of us take her out into the pool . She also didn 't like it the first time she saw me go under the water , but eventually it didn 't bother her . Since Grace didn 't get a very long nap , we decided to get her ready for bed and put her down fairly early so we could make our fresh seafood . Jennifer prepared the meal while I fed Gracie and put her to bed . The meal wound up being fantastic , and we really enjoyed the peace and quiet . The next day was Saturday , and was our last day to do stuff . We started it by making another trip to the beach . This time , Jennifer said she wanted to leave Grace 's sandals on and see if it made a difference , and did it ever . Jennifer held Gracie 's had as we walked onto the beach . She walked all the way to the beach on her own , which was way more than she did on the first trip . I then sat her down in the sand and she even played with her toys for a little while sitting in the sand . Being the little ball of energy she is , that didn 't last too long . She wanted to run , and run she did . In fact , she ran all over the beach . Jennifer and I sat there and watched her , and one of us would run in grab her if she started to wander too far off . She loved the sea shells , and she would pick them up , look at them , hold them in the air , and then put them in her mouth . It was a much better experience at the beach then the first trip . That evening went to a Seafood buffet we had a coupon for and had been planning to go to all week . I wasn 't all that impressed with the quality of food , but the selection was fine . Jennifer feasted on Crab Legs while I tried a little bit of everything that looked good to me . The saddest part was the desert buffet . They didn 't have ice cream and most of the stuff they did have didn 't taste all the great . The most interesting part about the restaurant was they had a " live " mermaid . This was essentially a girl in a bathing suit with some sort of fish tail thing strapped around her legs . I took Grace to see the mermaid . I was pretty sure the girl in the pool was the same girl that was on the register where we had paid , so I found that amusing . Guess cashier duty was over . Anyway , when she saw Gracie , the cashier turned mermaid splashed her tail up out of the water and made a wave , which apparently tickled Grace because she laughed about it . Then the mermaid made Grace a necklace and gave it to her . After we left the restaurant , we headed back to Broadway at the Beach for a final visit to check out the stores on the side didn 't get to on Wednesday . Nothing impressive to talk about there , none of the stores were that memorable . They had a store that sold tee shirts and memorabilia from the 70 's , 80 's , and 90 's . It was mostly stuff from the 80 's , and it was mostly tee shirts . Several of the stores we visited sit along a lake that is in the middle of Broadway at the Beach . There were machines along the docks so you could feed the fish that were in the lake . I am pretty sure they were carp . Jennifer had apparently never done this before and was enthralled with feeding the fish . That 's right , I said Jennifer . She every quarter I had ( all two of them ) to get handfuls of fish food to sling in the water . Grace found it fun to watch , but she became much more interested in the ducks and the fireball was shooting in the air across the lake . A putt - putt place across the lake had a volcano that seemed to go off every 5 minutes . When it went off , would Grace point and shriek with glee . She must have found it very impressive . Meanwhile , Jennifer fed the fish and ducks , paying no attention to the fire in the sky . Later , as we continued to walk along the lake , the volcano went off and I heard Jennifer say , " What was that ? " I couldn 't believe she hadn 't noticed it before or how excited it making our daughter . She said , " I heard you saying something about fire , but I had no idea what you were talking about . " Now , when I hear people talk about fire shooting out of something , I generally take notice , but that 's probably just the pyromaniac in my . Anyway , I picked on her about how mesmerized she had been by those fish . That night both Jennifer and struggled with stomach issues . We believe that we got food poisoning from the seafood restaurant . So , the last night of our vacation involved many trips to the bathroom . Jennifer still had a touch of nausea in the morning and wound up puking up her breakfast . I was fine by the morning . Jennifer was better by lunch time on Sunday . Anyway , that concludes a review of our vacation . Hope everyone has enjoyed it . We enjoyed the trip . Check out the pictures we have uploaded to our Flickr account to see pictures of the trip . Filed under : Grace , Humor , Life , Uncategorized | Comments ( 1 ) Our Saturday morning started with my 19 month old daughter rushing us out the door . Jennifer made the mistake of telling Grace that we were going to go " bye bye " after breakfast . So , Jennifer fed Grace breakfast and then proceeded to make some pancakes for the two of us . In case you were wondering why she didn 't eat pancakes with us , Grace was ready to eat when she woke up , so Jennifer made sure she was taken care of first . Besides , Grace is a creature of habit . She really likes to know what 's coming and really doesn 't like when things change . As a result , she eats cereal pretty much every morning and this morning was no different . After Grace was taken out of her high chair , she ran back to her bedroom and asked for her diaper to be changed . After that was done , she started grabbing some clothes that were on the bed for Jennifer to put on her . After Jennifer put on the clothes , she said , " Shoes , shoes ! " to indicate she was ready to have her shoes on . So , Jennifer obliged and Gracie was pretty much ready to go . Grace then grabbed her blanket and juice and tried to walk out the front door on her own . Jennifer informed her that she couldn 't leave without mommy and daddy . Grace ran and got Jennifer 's shoes and took them to her . As a result , Jennifer went into the bedroom , finished getting ready , came back out and put on her shoes . Then Grace went and got my shoes . I had been reading a book in the bedroom and came out when Jennifer told me the pancakes were ready . Yes , somehow through all this , Jennifer managed to get around to making the pancakes . As I was sitting down to eat , Grace brought my shoes to me . I told her I was till in my pajamas and I needed to get dressed first . I stood up ( without eating ) and went back into the bedroom to get dressed . I closed the door , and Grace stood there for about 5 minutes knocking on the door and waiting for me , clinging onto my shoes the entire time . About the time I was finished and was getting ready to walk out , Grace started to fuss because I was apparently taking too long . It sounds like we were letting her run the show , but really we were just letting her feel that way because after we were both ready , we sit down and ate our pancakes , much to Gracie 's distain . The whole episode was quite adorable , and I 'm not sure the entry captures it , but it will be a one of those fond memories of Gracie we will laugh about for years to come . Filed under : Grace , Humor , Life | Leave a comment After leaving the surf shop , we returned to Ocean Lakes and went and parked down by the beach . We got everything out of the car and started walking for the beach . The sand still felt cool , so Jennifer decided to put Grace down and let her walk . Grace was immediately disgusted by the sand and wanted us to carry her . When we got down to the beach , we tried putting Grace down again and this time she curled up her legs so they wouldn 't even touch the ground . We put her in one of our beach chairs and she seemed to be happy there . We tried to get her to play with her beach toys , but she only wanted to play with them if sand was not in them ( or on them ) . I made an effort to get Grace to warm up to the sand . I buried my feet in the sand and played " where 's daddy 's feet . I don 't think I need to explain the premise . When I first buried my feet , I think it terrified the child . She frowned and her lip began to quiver like she was going to scream . I quickly pulled my feet out of the sand and she looked very relieved . I then proceeded to play the game with her some more , and she began to warm up to it and smile . I may have even gotten a giggle . I also played with Gracie 's sand toys and tried to show her how to use them . I filled buckets , dug ditches , made piles , and buried things ( I wasn 't enjoying myself at all ) . It didn 't seem to interest her . Eventually it occurred to me that I was no longer playing for Gracie and was doing it solely because I was enjoying myself . At that point I decided it was time for a dip in the ocean . The water was fairly warm . I wasn 't in a rush to get wet , so I took my time . I took a few steps forward every now and then . At one point , I took a step forward and my foot went down into a hole or something . The water had barely been up to my knees before , and after stepping in the hole , half my trunks were wet . It didn 't wind up being the slow decent into the ocean I was hoping for . If you 're wondering about Grace and the ocean , we had a pretty strong suspicion she would be scared of that . She doesn 't like pools , and we assumed she wouldn 't like the ocean either . Still , when we first got to the beach , Jennifer carried Grace down and stood in the surf . That was apparently horrifying to Gracie and she cried . We had always assumed she would be happy sitting on and running around the beach , but on the first day , that didn 't seem like the case . When I got back from my dip , I put down a Dora the Explorer beach towel , picked up Gracie , and put her on the towel . I waited for the shriek , but it didn 't come . Apparently she wasn 't absolutely terrified of the sand . She just wanted something between her and it . I worked with her some more to try and get her to play in the sand from her beach towel , but she still didn 't want to touch the sand . Eventually , she got up and started running back and forth on her towel . She even picked up the rake that came with her sand toys , squatted , and raked some sand . She then threw the rake so that it was over in the sand out of her reach . She apparently regretted this decision immediately , and began to reach out for it and whine . We tried to encourage her to go over and pick it up , but instead of doing that , she just found something else to do on her towel . We left the beach after a couple hours so we could eat lunch and Grace could have her nap . When Grace woke up , we all got ready and went to a place called Broadway at the Beach . It is sort of like a huge , outdoor mall . First , we ate dinner at Tony Roma 's . After dinner we took Grace to a store called the Build - a - Bear Workshop . Most of you have probably heard of this place , but for those of you that haven 't , you pick out an animal , stuff it , dress it , and pay for it . Grace loved this . She picked out a monkey , and was hugging and kissing it while we were waiting to get it stuffed . She wasn 't to happy when they we took it away from her to have the clerk stuff it . After stuffing the monkey , we tried to let her pick out an outfit , but Grace just wanted to run around the building . So , we picked out a shirt and went and paid for it . It was ridiculous how much we COULD have paid for the thing . They had outfits for stuffed animals that cost more than some of the outfits we have bought for Gracie . They had hats , shoes , accessories , and , most distrubanly , underwear . You know , because some teddy bears don 't like going commando . Man , it is taking a lot of time to tell you about my vacation . I should be able to finish it up in one more post . Then I have to talk about potty training . We started that on Monday . Filed under : Blogging , Brothers , Grace , Humor , Life | Comments ( 1 ) Wow , hard to believe it has been almost a week since my last post . We are in the process of getting ready to go to the beach . We are leaving tomorrow night and will be gone through Sunday . I doubt I will be posting to my blog during this time . I want to avoid computers while I am on this vacation . I thought it would be nice to do a quick post to sort of catch everyone up on the latest happenings . This will be long and there is so much to cover I couldn 't think of a clever title . Friday night my brothers , Aaron and Joel , came over . We played a game of Catan and then watched the new version of the Shaggy Dog with Tim Allen . It was a good movie and I seem to remember laughing a lot . It put a bit of a sci - fi spin on the original story , which is likely to turn some folks off , but I thought it worked well . Without giving too much a way , I really think they left the movie open for a sequel . I don 't remember how this movie did at the box office , so I guess if it tanked there won 't be a sequel . Actually , I think the movie 's budget must have been pretty low . There was a pretty neat scene with Tim Allen 's tongue , but other then that , I was sort of amazed at what I didn 't see . There was only one scene where you really witness the transformation . The remaining scenes where it occurs were shot so it hides the actual transformation . This sort of surprised me for a movie made in 2006 . I didn 't watch it for the effects and would recommend the movie , this was just an observation I made . The filmmakers would probably choke me . The movie is probably chocked full of special affects that I missed and just took for granted . Saturday we went to see my grandmother and had a good time hanging out and talking with her . She wound up ordering in Mexican and paying for our dinner , so that was a pleasant surprise . On the way home from my grandmother 's we stopped by McDonald 's to get some sundaes . Grace sat at the end of the table turning her head left and right alternating between Jennifer 's sundae and mine as we fed them to her . Of course , I always eat mine faster so I got to eat more of my ice cream . I guess its one of the few benefits to inhaling your food . Sunday was a big day at our church as we had our Mission Celebration . Terry Hammack , a missionary from our church , was the guest speaker . He 's always a great speaker , but the best parts are always the stories he has . It is pretty enthralling . As you can imagine , Nigeria is not one of the safest places to be missionary , and I can 't imagine living day to day in the situations he does . What 's more amazing is that he and his wife are really hoping to go to the northern part of the country to an area that is 90 % Muslim to minister to people there . As you might know , Muslims don 't take to kindly to Christian missionaries , but these two really feel it is where God wants their ministry to be . They 're two incredible people that face things on a regular basis that we can 't even imagine here . Afterwards was a potluck dinner and Grace was a ball of energy . I got to eat , but barely had time to finish before I had to start chasing her back and forth through the halls of the church . We couldn 't get the girl to sit still for a second ! She may have been the most hyper I have seen her . Making matters worse was the crowd . Grace was running and jiving through the legs of people and I had to wait for them to move out of the way . Fortunately , every time she got away from me , someone managed to slow her down and gave me enough time to catch up . The problem was if she got out into the main part of the church building without my supervision , there were only about 10 , 000 places she could run to and hide . Of course , she only seemed to be interested in running to the nursery , which she knows is full of toys , so it was easy enough to keep track of her . Tonight we went over to my uncle 's house to pick up the keys and papers we will need to get to his place down at Ocean Lakes at Myrtle Beach . Grace was so shy at first , but the next thing I know she is running around their kitchen and being the ham she usually is . The girl would make the Energizer Bunny cry for mercy . She jumped up and down , ran around , crawled through legs and under tables , picked up copper statues , opened up cabinets , opened and closed doors , and babbled on and on the whole time we were there . I looked like the Coyote chasing the Road Runner most of the time . Hope it doesn 't sound like I am complaining . Honestly , following her around is often hilarious because the things she does are priceless . Also , following her around has taught me a thing or two . For starters , she usually won 't go where it is dark . I say usually because she proved that the equation is much more complicated than I suspected the other night at my parents . My mom and dad have two entries into their kitchen ( well , actually , four , but two of them are irrelevant to the story ) . One entry from the foyer and one from the dining room . The foyer , living room and dining room are all connected . So , what this means for Gracie is she has an excellent place to run laps . She runs through the foyer , the living room , the dinning room , into the kitchen , and finally back into the foyer . She then repeats this a mind numbing number of times . Oh yeah , and she yells incoherent things the whole time . So , I get the bright idea that if I turn off all the lights in the living room , foyer , and dining room , she 'll stop running her laps . I was wrong . She must have thought daddy was playing a game with her . After squealing for a few minutes and jumping up with absolute glee at the site of the darkened room , she started running again . Only now she ran through the darkened areas more quickly . So much for that idea . Filed under : Baby News , Grace , Life , Pictures | Comments ( 1 ) Yesterday was the baby appointment and we found out we are having a boy ! It came as no surprise to Jennifer because she has been saying we 're having a boy all along . The main reason being that she hasn 't been as sick this time . Supposedly , woman are more sick with girls than boys . I doubt there is any scientific research to back that up , but that is what Jennifer has been told . Honestly , I had gotten to a point where I was ready to skip finding out and be surprised . With Grace , I wanted to know . I also wanted a boy . Of course , once Grace was born , it didn 't matter and I love my daughter to death . I came to the realization a few weeks ago that this time was different and I could care less if we had a boy or girl . I mentioned the idea of being surprised to Jennifer and she was OK with it , but we decided to find out because we 've been telling people we would for months . After the appointment , we went to TJ Maxx and bought the baby his first 2 outfits . I also bought some books for Gracie because she loves me reading to her . Filed under : Blogging , Grace , Life | Leave a comment Everyone else is blogging about their weekends , so I guess I should too . Honestly , most of my weekend was spent with Grace . Her and I were buddies over the weekend . She 's started this new phase where she likes to play with toys in our laps , and I took advantage of it . She got down and ran around every now and again , but eventually found another toy to throw up in my lap and play with . I read her favorite book , ' Ducks Loud Quack ' , about a dozen times to her this weekend . What else can I say ? She is adorable and I loved every minute of it . The only bad thing about the weekend hit me when I was leaving for work this morning . After spending so much time with her over the weekend , I missed her horribly today . We had some quality time together this evening though . I occurred to me this weekend that my knee is STILL bothering me from when I took that fall a few weeks ago . It isn 't a constant pain , but anytime I get down on my knees it hurts like heck . I 've never been one for being on my knees , but this latest injury makes it almost impossible . I sure hope this is just temporary because I do need to get on my knees from time to time when I am bathing Grace and such . I know there wasn 't much to talk about today , but September is going to be a great month . This Monday I had off for Labor Day . Next Tuesday we go to Roanoke to learn the sex of the baby . Finally , we will be a Myrtle Beach from September 20 - 24 . That is going to be awesome because we haven 't had a good vacation in 2 or 3 years . I didn 't have much to talk about today , but I 'll have plenty to blog about in the coming weeks . Stay tuned ! Filed under : Grace , Humor , Life | Comments ( 2 ) This morning , while walking to my car , I slip on some gravel . Somehow , I keep myself from falling backwards or forwards and fall straight down onto my knee . As one might imagine , this did not feel good . I get up and start moaning while Jennifer , who witnessed the fall , runs out the door to see if I am OK . As she runs out , Taco seizes the opportunity , escapes out the door and darts through the yard . Meanwhile , I am trying to walk around and make sure nothing is broken , while whining like a mule . The neighbor , who is out walking her dog , sees me and hears my moaning . She calls over to see if I am OK . " I 'm fine ! I just like moaning , " I thought to myself . I don 't remember what I said , but I am sure it was something much less colorful like , " I am fine . " While I make sure everything is still where it should be , Jennifer starts chasing Taco through the yard because we think she is in heat . The last thing a 2 - pound Chihuahua needs is to be impregnated by a large dog . Scenes from the movie Alien come to mind . Anyway , in all the commotion , it comes to Grace 's attention that Jennifer has left the door open . Grace , also seeing an opportunity , opens the door and comes out on the deck . Let 's review . I am beside my car , clenching my knee and moaning like a whiney baby . Taco is running around the yard with Jennifer in pursuit . The neighbor is yelling to Jennifer that Taco won 't hurt anyone ( for whatever reason ) . Finally , Gracie is on the deck bouncing up and down with glee over all the excitement . At least someone was having fun . Jennifer catches the dog and we all go back into the house to see what has happened to my knee . We pull down my jeans and find a small , but bloody , gash . Gracie immediately thinks she has to stick her finger into it . Jennifer then goes to get some first aid supplies , which leaves me to fend off Pokey ( Grace ) . Did I mention I am still whining ? Jennifer comes back in and spays me with the " no sting " chloraseptic spray . It was only " no sting " in the sense that it felt only slightly less like she had treated the wound with lemon juice and salt . Jennifer pats off the blood , gives me a few more squirts of devil spray , and applies the band - aid . While this is going on , Grace has given up on the poking and is now trying to sit down in Jennifer 's lap . Obviously she is distraught that my hairy , bloody knee is the center of attention . Speaking of which , I never realized how hairy my knee is . Generally , that isn 't something I care about , but you think about these things when someone is putting a band - aid on you . After Jennifer finishes with me , Grace sits down with her legs extended in front of her , obviously waiting for Jennifer to apply a band - aid to her leg . Jennifer puts the band - aid on Grace 's leg , which Grace immediately rips off and tries to reapply . I couldn 't help but think if I ripped the band - aid off my ape - like knee I would probably have to bite my lip to keep from screaming .

We need to talk . You need to fill me in on what happened - no details excluded - so that I can see if I can try to help . Also , our daughter . . . Redlight said that she 's in charge now . You need to be careful , she never did like you , and I 'm guessing that she doesn 't even more now that this thing is messing with her head . And , um , we never really divorced because you disappeared , but back when we were at the hotel , you agreed with me when I said it didn 't feel like we were a couple anymore . More like friends . We love each other and care about the other more than anything , but we couldn 't ever . . . well , live together again . I 'm not getting rid of the ring , it 's just that Today I kissed Thage on the cheek . Well , more like a few minutes ago . And now I 've locked myself in her bathroom with my laptop because I messed up - it 's just that she 's been so kind , the kindest person I 've ever met . And , well , I 've developed a crush on her , I suppose . I can 't help it and I don 't know what to do now . I don 't want to leave the bathroom because she probably hates me now and I feel asleep for so long Thage had to wake me up . But it was nice . I will say this , the main dream I remember having was an " ideal date " dream . I think most of the girls around here should know what I 'm talking about - nondescript man takes you to the place you would want a real guy to take you and does everything perfectly . But , um , I remember the man being Thage instead . Kind of awkward when she woke me up , I think . Thage , if you 're reading this , you seem to be invading my dreams , haha ! Anyway , I feel refreshed now , but as soon as I woke up , reality came crashing back in . Everything that needs to be done is now front and center in my mind again , and I 'm worrying myself sick again . Back to normal , I guess . I 've been reading up on him during my stay here . I think everyone knows by now that he 's been sighted over the years since . . . well , a very long time ago . It 's shocking and , to be honest , the scariest thing about him , I think . He can do so many things to hurt you , sure , and he has these abilities and presence that defy everything about our world , yes . But the fact that he 's been around since God knows when , luring people to the shadows and driving them insane with paranoia and fear . . . he 's something ancient , something that is way out of our league . And we 're trying to combat him , figure out weaknesses , and generally do something before our time runs out . I 'm not a fighter . I never have been , never will be . I just want to figure out how to get my daughter back safe and sound . I can 't fight this thing . And maybe this is being a coward . But this creature cannot be defined or figured out because it 's something that seems to defy reality . So honestly , I don 't ever want to try and find anything about it . I 'll stick with the people . I 've never even thought of trying it , but Thage suggested that we do give it a whirl to see if it could unwind some of the stress that 's been building up . I guess the reason she suggested it is because I haven 't been sleeping and I 've been trying to read all these books on him and learn some fencing for defense so I 'm not totally helpless . We 'll see if this works . I trust Thage , so hopefully it 'll turn out well . Wish me luck . I just received one . The return address . . . I couldn 't see it . Before I get to that , Ava , you have my daughter , correct ? I believe I read everything right and that she is currently still under his control ? Apparently some proxy , or even that thing himself , has been killing people because you have her . The e - mail I got only a few minutes ago - it told me everything . I know what apparently the forth victim said , maybe in shorter words , I don 't care . The little boy is younger than Cynthia and he wasn 't even involved but because of me I can either choose to give my daughter back to it or send an innocent in . I think I know how you felt now , Ava . Choosing between Reach and another . God I wish I had a plan right now . I wish I could talk to Tony , but I think I read that he 's currently racing to get to you two . Surprisingly , I don 't feel scared , or anything like that . I 'm calm . You all need to find Robert . He 's priority in all of this because he can help people . So everyone should divert their attention to that detail above everything else . I 'm going to give Cynthia back to him . The boy should not be harmed because he shouldn 't be mixed up in all of this . Haha , you made a hard decision that night in the forest , didn 't you , Tony ? I get it now . I 'm sorry for getting so angry at you . Sometimes you have to do things you don 't want to do . I 'll get her back . I 'll get her back myself . From Redlight , from any minion , from the boss himself . But I 'm growing up , I think . Which sounds stupid because soon I 'll have a full head of grey hair . But I mean it . I 'm learning from all of you . And that 's why I can give her back and promise her that one day I 'll be the one taking her away from whomever it is . I 'm sorry for hitting you even though you deserved it . Still . . . it was nice to see you again you jerk . I missed you . You don 't know how much . A lot has happened over the last few days . I 'm sorry I made you all worry - I didn 't mean to , I just didn 't have time to respond or get on . I guess I 'll start from the restaurant since I wasn 't making that much sense ( but I 'll summarize it only briefly ) . I went to the restaurant to check it out and see if there was anything obvious - I even bribed the teenagers working to let me have at least ten minutes in the back without them bothering me . It 's amazing how far a few dollars can take you . When I stepped into the employee area , Elijah caught me off guard . He must have been waiting . . . somehow - I don 't know . It doesn 't make sense to me either , but he was there and he was spouting all of this gibberish about how he had failed the first time and so he was to make sure I received the next clue . He had sewn the mailbox number under his skin . Oh God , I know he 's a nurse and could figure out the least painful way to do this , but it still had to hurt so bad ! And then he told me that I had to kill him and open him up . Well , I was a tiny bit smarter this time around and had put a broken brick into my purse . I swung it at him mid sentence and caught him in the head . It knocked him out and after I dragged him outside to the dumpster I rummaged around in his pockets for something sharp . At the time . . . at the time I could only think that I was doing this for Cynthia , that it was okay that I was about to cut an innocent man open because it was all for my daughter . Anything for her , right ? He had a knife on his person and I had to cut through the stitches as carefully as I could , peel back the skin and reach inside him to fish the piece out . I was expecting something to break open at any second - I don 't know how I managed it , but it was probably because it wasn 't wormed in between anything . It was more on the surface . There was blood everywhere . . . you can 't do something like that without getting messy . And I was so afraid that he was going to bleed out - I didn 't want to kill him . So I took his shirt off and tied it around the wound aI drove to the man 's house . It was located in the middle of the woods . It was an incredibly stupid idea that nearly got me killed . Initially I went into the house . More graffiti had been added over the years , but I could still pick out the words my friends and I had written on the walls . At this point I honestly wasn 't sure what I was supposed to do , or if someone was going to show up . That was when I heard her calling for me from out in the woods . My baby . . . she was alive . I ended up trying to follow her voice and wandered around lost in the forest for who knows how long . Eventually she stopped calling for me and I kept trekking forwards . I came upon a picture in one of the many mud puddles of my husband and I 's wedding day . We looked so happy . . . When I leaned down to pick it up , this scarred man ( I didn 't get a good enough look when I was running away , but he had this brutal wound around one of his eyes ) came up behind me and tried to hold my face under the muddy water . I panicked and managed to elbow him enough to break free and sprint in a random direction . Unfortunately I wasn 't even wearing the proper clothing - I had dressed for the restaurant not a hike , and so I was running around in a skirt and flats . The scarred man chased me , made me even more scared than I already was , but eventually he vanished just like her voice . And I realized that no matter how long I ran towards the tree line , I never got any closer to getting out of the woods . This thing essentially had me running in circles , and I wore myself out . I don 't know how long it took me to finally stop stumbling around blindly , but when I did I curled up into a ball and huddled under a large tree . I was so so scared , lost , sore , hungry , and lonely . I think I started crying at some point , and I had , for some reason , not dropped the picture during all of this . Instead I clutched it close and refused to let go . I sat there as the sun went down and darkness settled . It was really then that I realized how stupid I had been running into this head first without proper guidance or planning . I was trapped in the woods alone , and he wasn 't letting me leave . That was when Cynthia stepped out from behind a tree . My heart . . . it lurched when I saw her , and I was flooded with relief , joy at seeing my daughter after so long , and even though I hate to say it , a smidgen of fear at what might happen . I was right to be hesitant . She . . . she told me to look at my watch . The hands had somehow jammed , and they were stuck at 11 : 11 . Then she told me to make a wish . And she had this smile on her face , like it was the greatest thing in the world and then I realized she didn 't step out from behind a tree . It was him . He was just standing there and , I assume now , watching me with that blank face . . . his goddamn face . . . that 's the worst part . There 's nothing there . It 's just smooth and that 's why it 's so terrifying . You don 't know what it 's thinking , and if it feels , what it 's feeling . It 's like the feeling of dread you get whenever you 're about to get results back and you aren 't sure if they 'll be good or bad . The coin could land on either side and you 'll never know until he makes his move . I actually started screaming for help at this point . My throat was raw from crying and breathing so harshly , but I just . . . screamed and screamed for someone , anyone to find me and help me because , God , I didn 't want to die . Cynthia just kept smiling and she took a step back towards him , gesturing for me to follow her . I think she said something along the lines of , " Now we 're a happy family . " And . . . I actually stood up and started to follow her . At this point I thought there was no way out of this , that it was over and I might as well end things . I know you all will probably be upset about this , but it 's all I could think at the time . And then all I hear is , " Get away from my goddamn wife ! " . Ha . Haha . I mean , really ? Of all things that could have happened , of all the people who could 've saved me it was him . My husband . Anthony Delmont . Let me just finish before I begin to rant - I woke up in a motel room . It was mine , so I 'm guessing he looked through my pockets and found my key . He also managed to find the car keys as well , because it 's still with me and in one piece . When I saw him . . . well , to be frank , I thought he was a proxie and tried to beat him over the head with the motel lamp . But as soon as he started talking . . . it was him . My Anthony . He sounded as grumpy as ever , haha . . . And get this , he didn 't cheat on me . Oh yes , we had a nice long chat about what happened to him during those ten / eleven years . No , there was no woman he ran off with ( though he did look vaguely uncomfortable when I asked him if he 'd been with anyone during the time he was gone , I can only guess what that means ) but it was because of Slenderman that he left . Apparently he saw him during the year we were married and after I had Cynthia he was afraid that we 'd be pulled into his mess too and split . Hah . That did so much . He more or less kept me hostage to the room , and honestly I didn 't want to go outside for a while . I was scared I would see him now that I had had my first encounter with him face to no - face . But that man . . . he just annoys me so much ! I couldn 't take it ! I don 't know how you people put up with him ! Yes , you heard me right , apparently he has his own blog and he 's friends , or acquaintances or , hell , even arch enemies for all I care with some of you . Said he 'd been keeping track of me through Ava and yet he couldn 't say a goddamn word to me to tell me he was okay . Tony . That 's what he goes by , I believe . I don 't know if you all recognize this , and honestly I don 't care . My ex - husband is a jerk , and that 's all I need to know . I . . . um , I actually did knock him out . He kept saying I couldn 't run off on my own because it was too dangerous , and while I agree , I 'm not about to suddenly let him back into my life , just like that . So the brick came in handy again and I left him on the bed ( which he doesn 't deserve ) and took off . Tony , if you 're reading this , honey , leave me alone . I don 't want you in my life again . I don 't care if you ran because it was good for me . I was better off without you and I 'm going to keep it that way . So , yes . That 's what happened . I 'm sore , I 'm furious , and I 'm still looking for Cynthia . I lost my chance and now I have to start again . I will find her , but next time I won 't be caught off guard . Next time I will bring her back , I promise . So much has happened . To me , to you all , to my husband , to my child . I 'm going to try and write a summary . If you have any questions , ask them now and I 'll try to answer . I 'm sorry to you all but I have to be frank right now . Bribed workers to let me look in back Elijah was waiting said I had to kill him if I wanted to the next clue . He sewed the thing into his stomach . Stupid nurse under control can 't think for himself . Had put a brick in purse and knocked him out with it instead . Had to cut had to cut open his stitches and reach in and pull the piece out without harming his organs . Dragged him outside and left him with pressure on wound . Ran back to car covered in blood now I look like a murderer hands won 't stop shaking might be going into shock Okay , I 'm calming down now . Breath in , breath out . I have to go to this house , you guys . It 's so obviously a trap but this is probably the chance I 've been trying to get . I 'm going now - the drive isn 't far . I know it 's risky , and I know it feels like everything has been happening so fast . I feel like they have too . In fact , I think the events were purposely quickened to happen to me sooner so that Cynthia and I could find each other faster . That 's not a good sign , but it 's a sign nonetheless . The house is in the middle of the woods . I know something will probably happen while I 'm there and it 's a stupid idea , but I 'm going . I 'm telling you all in case something happens and I don 't come back . If I die , or get taken or turned into a proxy , promise me you all will find Cynthia . She matters more . Haha , this kinda feels like I 'm walking to the gallows or something . I shouldn 't be smiling but I am . If I go down I 'll do it fighting . So much really has changed in only a couple weeks , hasn 't it ? I 'm sorry to make you all panic you guys . Everything was fine until I started hearing laughing children - obviously I was scared but when I kept trying to type the laughter turned into this high pitched squeal , almost like a siren . It was so loud and before I knew it , my ears and nose were gushing blood and I was barely able to post before I slid out of my chair and collapsed on the ground . Everything after that goes black . I honestly just woke up about a half an hour ago to clean my face up . I looked like a walking crime scene and I 'm unsure how I 'm going to get the bloodstains out of the carpet . I don 't know why he made me suddenly recall everything that happened , but for some reason he did . My parents were killed by him while we were at the park during my seventh birthday . We were playing frisbee and my mom threw it too far and caused dad to go search in the woods for it . A few moments later she followed to give him a hand and told me to wait where I was . After about an hour of sitting there in the hot sun and wondering where they were , I finally went to check . I wandered around in the woods for hours , growing more and more lost every second that passed by . It wasn 't too long before the sun began to go down . And it wasn 't until after that I found them hung from trees , stomachs ripped open and organs pooling out . I stumbled on them because I slipped in their pool of blood that had formed underneath their bodies . The smell . . . I can remember it now . It made me throw up everything in the little hotel toilet . And you know what ? They were holding hands , the bodies I mean . The two of them went out together , which is at least a small condolence to the pain they must have felt . I don 't know why he attacked them . I remember myself going into shock , walking mechanically back to the parking lot in time for a small family to spot me and the mother to promptly start screaming when I walked into the light . I know he was behind me . I can almost feel him now , watching from the cover of the trees where my parents hung dead from the branches . Everything is so vivid in my mind , like it happened only yesterday . I suppose that 's an effect from a faceless monster ripping my mind apart to drag the memories from the recesses of my brain . Whatever the case I know that I never had contact with him until that night . After that I never saw him again . My parents must have somehow been connected as well , but to what extent , I have no idea . The point in all of this is that tomorrow I 'm going to look for that clue . By all means I should be a blubbering mess , and for a little while I was . I had huddled up on the bathroom floor in my blood and puke and simply cried for who knows how long . But crying doesn 't solve anything . That thing that took my parents has my daughter . Everything is very clear right now . I 'm not backing down . Sure I 'll bleed and bruise , yes my bones can break , I may even choke and drown on my own vomit , but he 's not going to rob me of my will to fight . That son of a bitch took my parents , my daughter , and from what I 'm finally suspecting , he 's going to try and take my husband too , asshole that he was . There 's no other person that that third stick figure could be because I still love him despite his cheating on me . So I 'm going to find this clue and then find him . And if Slenderman gets in my way , well , he 's going to get an earful . I 've had a headache for about an hour now - I think he might be close . Trying to bring back the memories isn 't working and I really have no idea what to do . Ouch , might actually be developing a migraine of some sort . I 'll keep working at this as I 've been doing all day oh shit my head I don 't think headaches are supposed to be this intense ouhc it hurts godam shit im bleeding oh fuuuuuuuuuuucccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccc I think I 'm starting to get what I 'm supposed to remember . After a conversation with Kay , I 've concluded that the dreams I 've been having aren 't really nightmares but memories . My mind is attempting to show me what I 've forgotten , and it 's working slowly but surely . The main dream I 've been having has been my parents and I in the park . Oh . . . I guess I should tell you all now because I told Kay I would : my parents are dead . Not only that but I can 't remember anything around my seventh birthday and the years before that . It 's all a hazy mess but it 's slowly starting to realign . I 've been pouring over it all day , attempting to bring back something that will just make it all click into place . Thus far I 've been able to gather that we were in the park when my parents disappeared and I think I followed to look for them . Something happened when I went into the woods , and it 's probably because of him . I don 't know how I lost my memory or why though . It could have been trauma , but I 'm unsure of that yet . I 'm going to keep working at pulling these memories out from the confines of my mind and put them in place . So far I 'm getting bits and pieces , but nothing that really strikes me as odd . I haven 't even seen a glimpse of him in anything , so I suppose that could be a good sign . I already went to the library early this morning . I was all nerves and was ready to bolt at the first sign of anything out of the ordinary . The lack of sound in the library really worked on my paranoia as well - silence does not do well with me , it seems . The book I had to find was older than most because it was filled with newspaper clippings of the obituary section . I don 't even know why something like this would exist and who would read it , but it was there when I went to check . There was a napkin in the back from a diner I worked in while I was in high school . I 'm guessing that 's where I 'll be headed next . I flipped through the book rather quickly while I was there and so didn 't exactly examine every page . It might have been significant so I . . . well , stole the book . I had to sneak it into a bathroom and throw it out of the window and then go around to pick it up , but it worked . Currently I 'm sitting here wondering when I should leave . I could make the next city I need to go to by night fall , but then I also feel reluctant to move yet again so quickly . Any ideas ? I reached the city and booked a room for one night at a hotel . I don 't plan on staying very long this time around . Last time , even though it was only a few days , it still felt dangerous , like someone was watching me constantly . I haven 't been able to sleep much lately because of it . I 'll try and rest for a couple hours tonight though because I know I need it . I look like a wreck and that 's not very helpful for blending in . I 'm heading over to the town where the library is - I 'm going to check it out . I know you all say it 's a trap , and I know it probably is , but if I don 't follow these clues or whatever the heck they are , more people might get hurt and I may never find my daughter . After all , the one who wants to find her the most is me . I think that 's about it , so I 'll just post some responses now . To Vivi - Okay , that 's good to know . I wasn 't sure . Yes , just the idea of ending another person 's life . . . it 's a horrible thought . To Will - There 's no where else I can really go . If this helps me find my daughter , well , I 'm willing to take the risk . Yes , I read . Are you okay ? To Kay - Oh , it 's nice to meet another woman who 's in the older regions . Huh , I 've never heard of the other man , but I do know about Zeke . It 's actually great to know that there 's someone older than me in all of this mess - it makes me feel young . I don 't know if I should be excited or nervous . It 's obviously a means to make me even more sad and angry and it 's working . To Thage - Thank you for the encouragement , Thage . I 'll try . Okay . Okay I 'm calm now . Oh shit , no I 'm still crying . God dammit it 's been a couple hours and I 'm still jumping at shadows and I can 't stop the tears - alright , I 'll stop talking about that . Okay everything is fine . Just going to tell what happened now . I - I went to the school . There was some kind of school fair going on so I guess it had ended early . But there were still so many people there - parents , children , friends , and staff . I got lost so easily , I didn 't know who to ask or go to . I guess I was just wandering around looking lost . Everyone was preoccupied with getting their activities done and there was no one to help . I started to panic - it looks like this constant paranoia has given me a fear of crowds and I was scared because I began to think that everyone there was hollowed out . Right before I had a panic attack , this man … he came up to talk to me . I just I dated him in college . Elijah Macintire . He went to another college , med school , was going to be a nurse or doctor or something . At first I was happy to see a familiar face . He acted like he was surprised too , asked me how I was and if I was looking for anything . I said no , I was just checking out the school for my daughter . He answered … " Are you sure don 't want to know where Cynthia is ? " When he locked us in , Elijah took out this envelope out of his pocket and waved it in my face . Told me that if I wanted it I 'd have to come and get it . I don 't know as soon as he did that , everything just snapped back into perspective . I remembered the pepper spray I had in my purse and I managed to get him in the eyes and elbow him . He dropped the envelope and fell and somehow I fell down too and everything starts to become a blur here - he was trying to roll me over and pin me down and he hit me in the face with his gun , but I grabbed the changing station tray and smashed it down onto his head . Somehow , somehow I got the gun from him and I just kept hitting him with it over and over . It took me a few minutes to realize that he was knocked out and when I did I grabbed the envelope , stuck the gun in my purse and ran out and to my car as fast as I could . When I got back … I got a look at myself in the mirror … I didn 't look like me at all . I looked so crazy , ready to kill someone . I hate this feeling - I hate what I 'm becoming . I just fought a man I was in love with at one point in my life and might have permanently injured him - I could have broken a bone or even killed him ! And it 's all for this library card . Yes - that 's all that was in the god damn envelope , a library card from the library I went to when I was in middle school . I just want to scream at the top of my lungs and hit something because I 'm going insane . This thing is going to drive me crazy before I can get Cynthia back . Or it 's going to turn me into a cold blooded murderer and I don 't want that . Shit , I can 't stop crying . I have to go right now I had a dreamless sleep last night , but I slept more than I have this past couple of days combined . If you can guess , I 'm starting to sport some bags under my eyes - they look pretty bad . I 've gone out to shop for an outfit that makes me blend in enough so that I don 't look like the paranoid victim that I am . This means nice shirt , skirt , and flats . Not the ideal clothes if I get in trouble , but I don 't want to be very memorable . I 'm trying to play this very carefully . I 'm going to head over to the school soon . A little after lunch , I think . That should be close enough to the end of the day that I could stay after if I wanted to , and early enough for me to seem like a parent wanting to look at the classes . I have pepper spray and a rock I found outside in my purse , as well as some hair clips . I think this is the best I can prepare for a situation like this . I 'll be in public , so I 'm hoping there won 't be much trouble . We 'll see , I suppose . To NOOC - I 'm going to be as careful as I can get in the situation . . . no , I can 't see the comment . Dammit - there are going to be children around everywhere , what if any of them get hurt ? ! I 'm not going to die , so don 't worry about me . To Kaiju - Damn that almost sounds worse than being physically attacked . If anyone tries to talk to me , I 'll try and tune out if they sound suspicious , but I can 't make any promises . Whatever happens at the school . . . hopefully I 'll be able to tell you all later on today . To Liam - I can only guess what that surprise is going to be . I won 't try to fight him if I see him - I 'll be running as fast as I can away . Thank you for the support . If all goes well I 'll update again later today . I finally arrived at the town . I 'm staying at a motel at the moment that has internet and feeling generally exhausted , though driving for long periods of time always does this to me . I made it over here without any hitch , and haven 't seen or met any odd people or extremely tall business men . To NOOC - I guess you could say that . That 's how most of you are too , if you think about it . Nothing gets done if you don 't risk even a little bit . The good news is I 'm not next the school more near it , it 's about fifteen minutes away . To Will - I know . Most people in this seem to have been involved with this longer than me . But I want to try and handle my problems alone for now . I might take you up on this offer later if I 'm ever in trouble . To Lucien - Thank you for the support . I know I have others that are perfectly willing to help if I ever need it , but for now I 'm trying this on my own . Hopefully I won 't have that much trouble . In conclusion , tomorrow I will be visiting the school in the afternoon when it lets out . I 'm not exactly sure what I 'll be looking for , but I 'm going to tell them that I 'm thinking of potentially enrolling my child in it . That should buy me enough time to at least look somewhat thoroughly and have access to most of the school . It 's not a fool proof plan but it 's all I have right now . Any suggestions on what weapons to bring ? I obviously can 't bring a baseball bat , but I 'm definitely putting the pepper spay in my purse . If there are any suggestions , I may be able to go out and get something tonight . This morning . . . that is , three hours ago or so , I couldn 't sleep so I got up to make some coffee and look over my notes again . Of course the ex - hubby 's parents were still asleep ( they 've been so kind , I really don 't want to leave them but I have to ) and so I was the only one up . They own this one cat - can 't remember it 's name , but it 's pretty fat and stuck up - started looking towards the front door and hissing . The thing was arching its back and showing all of its teeth . When it started to do this my stomach dropped and I wanted to run upstairs and hide under the covers of the bed . In fact , I actually started to make a break for the stairs . But then . . . I realized that something may happen to put these people who were taking care of me in danger , and I remembered how I said I was going to do anything to get my daughter back . So , against my better reasoning , I walked to the front door to look outside of the windows beside it . I 'm sure I looked like I was about to throw up , and I felt like it too . And that damned cat just kept hissing and started yowling , like it was being attacked . There was nothing at the front door , but there was this figure standing down the driveway next to the mailbox . It looked like a female , but I couldn 't see any distinguishing features , so I didn 't recognize her . As soon as we made eye contact , she raised this envelope towards me and then opened the mailbox to put it inside . She then began to run away . It was about here that I realized maybe I should be doing something , so I grabbed an umbrella out of the case next to the door , and ran outside to try and catch her . By the time I reached the mailbox she was gone . And this makes me even more nervous because the road by the house is set up to where you can see someone coming and going for miles . . . she just vanished into thin air . I got the envelope out of the mailbox and proceeded to run as fast as I could back inside . I just had this feeling of someone watching me and it terrified me . When I closed the front door and locked it , I then went into the upstairs bathroom and locked myself in . There are no windows in there and just one door to get in and out . Brought my laptop in as well and really made a fort in the tub with pillows and blankets . It sounds childish , but I felt safer . It 's a picture of me and my first foster parents on my first day to elementary school . Cynthia . . . I 'm guessing that Cynthia drew and wrote all over it . She . . . she doodled hearts around my younger self , scribbled x 's over the parents faces and drew . . . she drew it in the background , behind us . It 's just looming over us and it makes me feel like crying every time I look at it . On the back she only wrote one thing , " better get moving " with a heart . They know where I am . They might have been watching me for the last few days . I have to leave . If I stay any longer I think I 'm going to put these people in serious danger . You know , I wanted to avoid this . I had thought that if I could just find a place to stay maybe things would be normal again . But this morning I realized that what is happening to me will never be normal and I 'm going to have to do things myself if I ever want it to be resolved enough . I can 't avoid this problem by researching infinitely and making sure not to do any physical work . I have to do this . I am her mother . Honestly I 'm older than most of you in this situation , so that should make me more responsible and more ready to handle things . I 'm going to try and be brave you guys . Today is going to be my first day of running . I know it 'll probably never end . But at least I know where I need to run to first : my elementary school . I 'll see if I can find anything there . . . there has to be a reason that I was given this picture . Nothing happened today . It was a wonderful and terrifying feeling - I 'm sure many of you can relate to this . When he 's not here it 's a relief but it makes you anxious , wondering what 's going to happen in the next week , month , year . I think that 's it for today . Hopefully tomorrow will be him - free as well . I 've been looking into more of the blogs and facts about him , collecting data , and trying to figure out what those diary pages mean . Also I 'm trying to convince the parents that I 'm alright . God they 're nice people . I wish their son had turned out the same . Alright , I want to hear from you all ! Don 't avoid this question because you 're dealing with a worried mother !

" Harry ? Harry , are you alright ? " She asked him , even though she could hear his retching as the fried breakfast she 'd made him made a surprise reappearance . " I 'll be fine . " He stepped out of the bathroom , and she got her first look at him , dressed up in the new Armani suit that had been tailored especially for the occasion . Tricia gasped , her arms prickled with goose bumps and for a moment , a small fleeting moment , she could have sworn her heart had stopped . Despite the fact that he and Vincent were twins , Tricia had always seen vast differences in their behaviours and in their appearances , but now … it was like he was back . He didn 't mean to be so callous , he didn 't know how fragile she still was , or how much he reminded her of him right now . She looked down at the picture of the two brothers , the crack running across Vincent 's forehead . He didn 't know that seeing a picture of him made her want to howl inside , he didn 't know that she 'd hidden all the photos she had of Vincent because seeing images of him made the pain so unbearable . Tricia moved into the bathroom and studied herself in the mirror . She took a deep breath and concentrated on the bridge of her nose . Staring at one fixed point was all she had to do in order to stop herself from crying . And she couldn 't cry , Harry needed her to be strong . Always . That was her job . He looked at her . He took one step back and looked at every inch of her , and that 's when she knew she had Harry back , and that Vincent was not with her , not anymore . Vincent had had a way of looking at her that made her whole body shimmer with desire , with eroticism , a way of looking that made her feel as if every inch of her flesh was special and wanted . Harry took her arm and they started to make their way down the stairs . " You know , you don 't have to come with me . It 's not really that big a deal . " " Not that a big deal ? " She took a deep breath , finally feeling able to slip back into the role of agent , mentor and boss that she felt most comfortable with . " Of course it 's a big deal ! You 've been nominated for Best Actor - and I know you 're going to win this time . Besides , turning up with a gorgeous , natural blonde - " " Which becomes your problem when they stop paying you to appear in movies as the lead heartthrob . Which then becomes my problem when I stop receiving fifteen percent - which once again then becomes your problem when I kill you . Also , how many times do I have to tell you not to admit to it , no matter where you are , or who you 're talking to ? For all we know this whole place could be bugged . " " Maybe not , and maybe the next time my roots come through they 'll be deep purple . " She ushered him out through the front door and onto the steps outside . " Look , all I 'm saying is , if you have to say it out loud , just call it something else , will you ? Vincent remained unspoken between them . Tricia knew that when Vincent and Harry had been children they had both dreamed of being world famous superstars . The dream had come true for Vincent and he had left his old life and his twin brother behind in England . After Vincent 's death , Harry had made the difficult decision to step in and help the studio complete the picture that Vincent had been working on . She knew that Harry had posthumously made this promise to Vincent , but he didn 't know she had made the same promise . She had wanted to stop , wanted to give it all up , but she owed it to Vincent to help Harry . And that was why , however much she didn 't like it , she had to keep his preferences a secret . " But you are being cast , Harry , and that 's the important thing . Look , I had a script arrive on my desk yesterday morning , it 's perfect for you . You play an astronaut , Jack something or other , who launches into space on a routine mission to Mars . Then , when you come back you realise aliens have taken over the world . " This time it was Tricia 's turn to sigh . " Look , I know you don 't like these movies , but just get a couple more of these under your belt , you 'll be able to start doing things your own way . You 'll be able to make the movie that you want to make . " Harry glanced down at Tricia 's bag and frowned . " Why have you got this ? " He pulled out the small picture of himself and his brother that she had slipped inside . " You think I 've never heard of him ? I know exactly what that man is like and I know the sort of film he 'd be writing . I am telling you right here , right now , I 'm not letting you appear in some kind of gay porno ! " " And he 'd better not be there tonight . If you see him at the ceremony , or at the after party , I want you to blank him . The last thing I need is for this rumour to hit the papers tomorrow . " " I 've heard a lot about you from my casting lady , seen the pictures . I must say … I 'm impressed . " He let his finger slide across Harry 's shoulder blade as he passed him . " Good , I 'm glad you think so . " He stood behind Harry , placing his hands on his shoulders . " It 's very important you understand what I 'm saying to you here , I would hate for there to be any kind of misunderstanding … especially as I am yet to make up my mind whether I should give you this part or not . Stand up . " Harry stood up and turned to face him . Johnson moved in closer to him and stared into his eyes . Harry could feel the breath of the older man on his face as he ran his tongue along his lower lip . " Turn around , Harry . " He repeated and Harry did , a strange force compelling him to . For a moment nothing happened and then Harry felt the man step up behind him , his body just inches from his own . " I had , but it 's family , you know ? Besides , I might be able to convince him to finance my next movie , and if I can , then I get a say in the casting . And I know a gorgeous young man , good body , great little fucker , who 'd be perfect for the lead role . " " Maybe the compliments aren 't good enough . " Frederick rolled his eyes as he slowly walked into the bathroom . He could feel Harry 's eyes , watching his naked form walk away and self - consciously clenched his buttocks . Frederick stood under the shower , letting the water run softly over his head and down his back . He was the happiest he 'd been in years , Harry was about to move into his brand new apartment which Frederick had helped to decorate . He was taking advantage of some rare time off and spending every day he had with a gorgeous man who loved him . It felt to Frederick as though they 'd earned this time . Shortly before they met , the body of Harry 's brother had been pulled from a lake , and until recently , it felt as though Harry had still been mourning his twin . Perhaps it was just a natural process , perhaps it was the excitement of his new apartment , but in the last few weeks Harry had seemed to finally loosen up . Life was good , there was nothing wrong . " I 'm not going to deny that . " Frederick moved away , across the room , looking for his pair of tan shoes that he 'd kicked across the room in a rush the previous night . " It 's a bit reckless for you , this whole hotel thing , anyway isn 't it ? What if somebody sees you with me and blabs to the press ? " " There 's nothing to worry about . " Harry dismissed the idea with a wave of his hand as Elmer Fudd pointed a gun in Bugs ' face . " First of all , this is a Hollywood hotel , the staff know the score , discretion is vital . Also , none of the press can find out I 'm staying here , because I 'm signed in under an assumed name . Everyone does it . " Frederick collapsed onto the couch and started to slide a hand under Harry 's dressing gown . " You know , I 've about ten minutes before I really , really definitely have to leave . You 've probably got time to … grab a bite . " " Bound to be some movie on that I 've not seen . I 'll probably make a start on that screenplay as well . " He said , motioning with the battery pack of his computer . " No big deal ? " Harry repeated . " No big deal ? Two months ago , you told me that it was in the bag , I 've been turning down other work to be in this movie of yours and now you 're telling me that you haven 't even started it yet ? " " Look , I didn 't ask you to turn down work , besides , when have I had time to write it , Harry ? " Frederick asked . " I 've been with you nearly twenty four seven since we met . I don 't know how multi - talented you are , but I 'm not that great at creative writing when someone is biting on my arse ! " " I 'm the needy one ? " Harry asked incredulously . " How am I the needy one , when it was you who was coming around to my apartment every single day ? When it was you constantly ringing me to check that I was ok ? " Robert Forrester stared out of the window of Ernest Cromwell 's office and sighed . The bright lights of London twinkled in the night sky , high above the noise and the dirt of the streets below . Twinkling like diamonds and rubies suspended in the air , just out of arms reach . All those riches , Robert thought , just out of grasp . Ideas , he 'd told him , strategies , plans , ways forward , Robert had all of them . Or so he 'd said . Ernest hadn 't been convinced until Robert had promised him more money , higher income , increased profits - in short - more power . Ernest 's ears had pricked up and he 'd agreed to give Robert a second chance . Of course , he 'd said , I can 't do it now , and Robert 's heart had sunk . He had nowhere to go that night , he needed a job , he needed it now and he really needed a massive advance in wages . Take me out to dinner , Ernest had said and then promptly named the priciest restaurant in London , we can talk about your ideas there . He pulled the coin out of his pocket and slowly let it move across his fingers . He wasn 't quite sure yet how he 'd pay for dinner , but that wasn 't his biggest concern . If things went badly , he 'd excuse himself early , go to the bathroom and never come back , ditching a large restaurant bill on Cromwell . If everything went well and Robert managed to impress the old man into giving him a job , his new boss would probably take up the bill . If he didn 't , he would charm whoever he could into paying for him or into waiving the bill . He 'd managed to stay there until just a year previously when he had been fired for sleeping with one of his students . In fact , he 'd been sleeping with more than one of them , and had been doing so for several years . It was only when two girls and one young man went to the headmaster 's office to complain about the sexual harassment because he wasn 't sleeping with them that things had been stirred up and it all came out Within a week , not only had he lost a job , but gained a reputation as a serial student shagger within the teaching community . Things had gradually died down and he 'd nearly managed to secure another teaching post when one of the younger art teachers recognised him from her own student days and warned the employment board . This further reminder of his reputation spread throughout teaching circles along with the rumour that it wasn 't just girls he was sleeping with , but boys as well . A claim Robert had vehemently denied - for it was only one boy , and there had been no sleeping of any kind , merely brief sexual encounters in broom cupboards designed to get Robert closer to the boy 's vast inheritance . Still , the rumours spread like ripples and Robert had found himself without employment and no real chance of going back to teaching . " It 's ok . My husband is dying . " Robert smiled a little and then jumped when he heard voices outside the office . Cromwell was there arguing with a younger man . " Oh , that 's Frederick . " Jennifer said , noticing the diversion in Robert 's attention . She frowned and sat up on the desk . " Ernest 's grandson , golden child the way Ernest goes on about him , anyway . " " You haven 't heard about the fabulous Frederick ? About five years ago , he wandered in here while his grandfather was with the board trying to figure out the best way to crush the latest rising competition . " Jennifer picked up a framed photo of Frederick on the desk . " Five minutes later , Ernest had fired half of his board members and put Freddie on the payroll . Two years after that and there 's an extra fifteen million pounds profit in the bank account . " " You really haven 't heard of him ? He 's a screenwriter . Following his dream , or something like that . Following his cock more like . " " No . I 've already told you , no is my final answer . Now , I 've got to go and do some real work , it 's a dirty job , but someone in the family has to earn a living . You can just get a taxi to the airport and go back to Hollywood . Goodnight . " With that Ernest Cromwell walked out of the office and stalked off down the corridor . Jennifer nodded to Robert and quietly followed the old man out . Robert looked at Frederick and smiled , some alone time with the old man 's golden grandson , he thought , was no bad thing . I might be able to learn a few tricks . Frederick walked over to the desk and sat in his grandfather 's chair , as Robert sat back down in the chair on the other side . " What are you in for ? " Frederick asked , narrowing his eyes . " Of course . " Frederick nodded and a silence filled the room for a moment . " So , job interview , huh , how 's that gone for you ? " " What I 'm getting is one last chance to impress him and a hefty restaurant bill at the end of it . So how come you need the money ? I thought your entire family was minted . " Robert paused . He hadn 't expected that at all . Normally , he could sense this sort of thing . His mind suddenly started racing , being alone with the golden grandson was most definitely not a bad thing . Internally , as he smiled at the young man , a switch flicked from ' charm ' to ' flirt ' . Frederick laughed and looked out of the window . " Crude , yet accurate . The only reason he hasn 't disowned me completely is because I , and I 'm quoting here , still bone women occasionally . " " So , that 's what Grandpa says , ' Who 's Donald ? ' I tell him he 's my boyfriend . Well , then , he wants to know why Donald , specifically , is going to be so happy . And I tell him , he 's going to play the main character . " Frederick clicked his finger and pointed it , like a gun , straight at Robert . " The chequebook snapped shut faster than a bulldog clip . So , now I have no money to produce a film with a script that I haven 't yet written starring a man who won 't be my boyfriend for much longer . " Robert stood up and walked around the desk , sitting on it just in front of Frederick . " Couples fight , they cool off , then they make up . That 's the fun bit . " He winked . " How do you figure that ? " Frederick asked with a frown . Robert leant back on his hands , pushing his crotch forward . It was practically eye level for Frederick , and he smiled as he spotted the young man take a look . Frederick looked the photograph of himself and smiled . He remembered the day that picture had been taken , the previous autumn when he had briefly stayed with his grandfather before moving out to Los Angeles . They 'd spent the day painting the walls of the dining room , Ernest had felt they needed a fresh coat and he didn 't trust anyone else to do it . Frederick felt that it was more he didn 't want to pay anyone else to do it , but he had helped him anyway . " I 'm a financial advisor , Frederick , if I get this job with your grandfather , I 'll be the one telling him how to spend his money . I could tell him to spend it all on crackers or water pumps in Africa . Or on a movie . " " Of course you can . " Robert pulled him in closer , causing Frederick to straddle his left leg . Despite Frederick 's protests , Robert felt part of Frederick that was urging him on , pressing into his thigh . He felt sick . " Well , don 't tell him about what we just did , for a start . And if you really have to , don 't tell him we did it on his desk . I can 't see that going down well at all . " " Michael . His … his cancer 's progressed , he 's not going to be able to work much longer . " He turned to Robert , almost as if he owed an explanation . " Michael 's my eldest , he 's my current financial advisor . " Robert gave a small , disbelieving laugh . " I don 't understand . That was all a set up ? None of it was real ? They weren 't really arguing ? " " Oh , the argument was real . They can 't spend more than half an hour in the same room together without arguing . Ernie might disagree with him on pretty much most of the decisions he makes , but he trusts him . Can 't choose which toilet paper to wipe his arse with without checking Frederick 's opinion first . " Frederick stepped out from behind his grandfather and started to head for the door . " It was a pleasure to meet you , Robert . Goodnight Aunt Jenny … send my love to Uncle Michael ? " " Err , no . I 'm heading back to LA . Work to do , and all that . " He nodded to them and walked off towards the staircase at the end of the hall . Robert remembered the feeling of revulsion he 'd felt as he 'd gripped hold of the young man 's thighs just fifteen minutes before . " Yes . It would , Mr Cromwell . I probably shouldn 't be saying this sort of thing in a job interview , but I hate faggots . " When it comes to writing reviews , I struggle to remain impartial . Just because I liked a book doesn 't mean everyone else will , and just because I don 't like a book doesn 't mean others won 't . I try not to sit on the fence , but if I find myself about to write ' the sort of people that enjoy this sort of book , will enjoy this book ' then I know that I 'm not giving an honest review . Usually it means I hated it . And if you did like it before , you may not even like it this time . The lead characters in this are unlikeable , and not just because they 're villains . The characters in Hundred Year old Man and it 's follow up The Girl Who Saved the King of Sweden were hardly all angels themselves , but they had heart . He could feel them searching for something to think about , an opinion to express , and before they found it , Harry knew the single thought that they would alight on . The thought that had always been there since it the first time it had formed . It never dominated , it lingered in the background , often remaining quiet for hours on end , but always appearing in the quietest of moments . Harry thought of his brother . Of the promise that he had made him . To live his life for him . And then Harry thought of his own life . The things he had given up . The people he had given up . The secrets he kept . Frederick turned away from him , flashing the smooth lines of his cheekbones as he did . His question was rhetorical , he wasn 't expecting Harry to provide the answer - solving problems , answering questions , neither of these was in any schedule of Harry 's that either of them had ever seen . Frederick never expected Harry to provide the answer to anything . Instead , he rubbed the dark stubble on his square chin , as if it were a lamp that a genie might spring out of . Harry watched him hypnotised for a moment - his last few brain cells still working their way back to life - before reaching out with his hand . The index finger on his left hand reached for the smoothness of Frederick 's plump lower lip and gently turned his face . " I know , I know , " Harry sighed , looking out of the car window , now able to distinguish some of the scenery flying past . He thought that the bare branches of the trees looked like arms reaching for him out of the darkness . " It 's just , I don 't want to create a bad impression with them , that 's all " Frederick leant over and put his hand on Harry 's . " It 's only my family , they 're hardly royalty . No matter what they might try and tell you . " " Don 't be so silly , that 's just a front . Granted , he 's forthright , but you haven 't got anything to worry about . He can be a bit of an old bastard but he 's not a snob or anything . " Harry groaned inwardly , Frederick 's family was large enough . Including himself and Frederick , there would be twelve of them spending Christmas at ' Cromwell Manor ' . Fourteen if you included the servants . " Talk about throwing me to the lions . " " Of course . She 's going to introduce her new boyfriend and I 'm going to introduce mine . It 's only fair . " He grinned and gripped Harry 's hand as if to confirm just who his boyfriend was . Harry forced a weak smile , but Frederick had already turned to look out of the window on the opposite side of the car , failing to see the severe lack of enthusiasm radiating from Harry 's body . He had promised his agent , Tricia , that he and Frederick would pretend to be friends and nothing more during their trip away . He hadn 't told Frederick yet , and was running out of time to do so . " They don 't have to . Look , I 'm not judging your family or anything here , but I just don 't know them . One wrong word from one of them and my whole career could be ruined . " " So ? You can 't live your life in lies and secrets , Harry . People are going to find out about you sooner or later , it would be much better if it came from you rather than from some drunken screw in a motorway service station toilet . " " You sound an awful lot like Tricia , right now . " Frederick sighed , Harry knew that Frederick and Tricia didn 't exactly get on . He was hoping to keep her name out of it . " It 's called acting , Harry , pretending to be something you 're not . Which by the way you 're not being paid to do at the moment , so you can drop the straight act . " " I love you , Harry . " Frederick grabbed hold of Harry 's face , the smooth skin of his hand contrasting against the rough stubble on Harry 's cheek . " Even if you don 't have a job , we can be together , isn 't that enough for you ? " " Not here . " Harry pointed out of the window to the taxi driver , who was sitting on a fence post opposite , looking in at them . The glowing red embers at the end of his cigarette cast his face in a sinister glow . The driver pulled open the door and sat back in the driving seat . " Have you girls finished your squabble yet ? I 'm freezing my nuts off out there . " " The one where you and I met in a British theme pub in LA and became friends . The one where you invited me to spend Christmas with your family because you knew I didn 't have anywhere else to go . You know , the version that actually happened . " " Freddie ! " A plain young woman ran down the steps and wrapped her arms around him as he climbed out of the taxi . She had short , brown hair , almost bland in its limpness , just above her shoulders . She wore nearly all black apart from the white apron , frilled at the sides to make it look like a doily on straps . " How are you ? How 's Hollywood ? " " Err , Mr Hicks ? " The driver cleared his throat as he dropped a suitcase at the top of the steps . " Will that be all , Sir ? " " You 're welcome , Mr Hicks . " Dave 's eyes lit up as Harry pulled out a small roll of notes . " Oh , and I 've got something for you two , " he said , " call it an early Christmas present . " " Of course not , Sir . " Dave took the notes that were offered to him and climbed back into the car . Harry caught his smirk and realised that he 'd not convinced him of anything . He would have to pay up . Harry peeled off another few notes and offered it to him through the window . Without waiting for a response , Frederick went back inside , leaving the door wide open . Harry took a deep breath and slowly walked toward it before slipping quietly through and joining Frederick inside . The entrance hall was much bigger than he had imagined . A few antiques skirted the walls of the room , including a rather intrusive suit of armour , which was set up immediately to the left of the door , as if to guard the house from unwanted visitors . By far the biggest thing in the room was the large staircase immediately opposite the entrance . The dark red of the carpet that ran down the centre of the stairs matched the earthy tones of the wood panelling on the walls which stretched up to the ceiling three floors above them . The stairs themselves rose sharply before branching off into two , snaking around both side walls . At the top of the first flight was a large painting of a sour looking man , it was positioned in such a way that any visitors had no choice but to look up at him as they walked through the door . At the bottom of the stairs , stood next to Ella , was the same man . So realistic was the painting , that he looked like he 'd walked straight out of it . He was studying Harry intently , with a scowl on his face , a scowl that fit so easily , it looked as though it had come first and the man had been built around it . He was short , plump , though not fat , but somehow managed to be incredibly imposing . He had grey hair , but not much of it , spread across the top of his head . Not quite a combover , but certainly destined to become one . A quick glance at Frederick told Harry that he was staring straight past him , at a spot on the wall . There was no emotion displayed on his face , but the message was clear . It 's up to you . The old man stared at him silently for a minute , both Frederick and Ella watching tensely . After a moment he laughed huskily . He placed an arm around Harry and clamped down a withered hand onto his shoulder . " You can forget this Mr Cromwell crap , call me Ernest . " " You know , Frederick needs more friends like you . I 'm hoping it 's just a phase he 's going through , this whole bisexual thing . " Harry looked at Frederick , but he simply shrugged . Looks like I 'm not the only one who 's not being completely honest , Harry thought . " With more people around like me and you , son , maybe we can tempt him over to the normal way of doing things . " " Spare me the ' I 'm normal ' speech . " He growled at Frederick . " The only reason I let you stay in this house is because you haven 't been turned all the way . There 's still hope for you , boy , don 't you agree , Harry ? " " There 's my Hollywood Superstar ! " A tall , blonde woman came sweeping down the staircase and launched herself past Harry , Ernest and Ella and hugged Frederick . She wore nothing but a red silk dressing gown , and a good half an inch of make - up . She was clearly in the middle of her preparations for the evening . She had large , coloured - from - a - bottle hair , which surrounded her head in an almost perfect circle and made her head look far too large for her body . But she wasn 't unattractive , in fact , in her face , Harry could see the ghosts of the qualities that most attracted him to Frederick . " Oh nonsense , we 're practically family . " She batted away Harry 's outstretched hand and wrapped her arms around him with as much vigour as she had her son . For a moment Harry thought he would choke on the strong smell of her perfume , but as quickly as she 'd pulled him into the hug , she planted two quick kisses on each cheek and pulled away . " Call me Elizabeth . Call me mum ! " " He is ? " Elizabeth asked , the disappointment sketched into every corner of her face . " That 's such a shame , he 's so cute . He 'd make a perfect son - in - law . Oh , maybe I should introduce him to Victoria ? " She turned back to face Harry . " Victoria 's my daughter , now she has got a son , but what man doesn 't want a ready - made family ? " " Do you mean we 'll have to share a double bed ? " Frederick asked with mock horror . " Whatever shall we do ? I guess , one of us will have to sleep on the floor . " " Where do those stairs go ? " Harry asked , gesturing to a set of stairs in the far corner of the entrance hall . They were a lot less grand than ones they were climbing , and Harry wouldn 't have even noticed them had he not been looking down at Frederick . " Daylight and sunshine ? " Ella smirked at Harry , a twinkle in her eye . " You haven 't been back to England for a long time , have you ? " They had reached the top of the first flight , and already Harry had begun to regret packing so much . He set his case down under the pretence of taking a closer look at the large portrait of Ernest in front of him , but quickly turned away , grimacing at the rather too perfect likeness of the old man 's ugly face . His eyes settled on the woven tapestry underneath it . Ernest 's name had been carefully stitched in gold at the top , there were no names above his , no parents , as if he had just appeared by himself , already at the top of the tree . Which , Harry reminded himself , was probably how Ernest had always viewed the world - a world just waiting for him to arrive . A small , thin line connected his name to ' Doreen Cromwell ( 1922 - 1966 ) ' , and then descended downwards before splintering into three strands that led to ' Michael Cromwell ' , ' Elizabeth Cromwell ' and ' Gary Cromwell ' . The brackets underneath the eldest , Michael , had already been filled in . He 'd only died three months before . " Huh . The old man lied to me . " Harry muttered to himself , but continued when he saw the confused frown adorning Ella 's forehead . " I used to work for Cromley 's a few years back . Before … well , when I was younger . One of the customers , Raymond , he called himself , said his father owned the business . " Harry smiled and for a moment , they both stared at the family tree . Harry 's eye traced the golden line down through Elizabeth to Frederick 's name . " The stitching is beautiful . " Ella smiled and nodded , before turning to Harry and giggling . " You 've , err , you 've got some … " She rubbed the side of her face , and Harry pressed two fingers to his own sticky cheek . A neon red paint had come off onto them and he frowned at it , baffled . " Lick . " Ella held a crumpled white handkerchief up to Harry 's mouth . Before even properly registering her bizarre request , Harry poked his tongue out and Ella dabbed the cloth onto the end , before rubbing it gently on his cheek . " Elizabeth 's lipstick , " she said , noting Harry 's continued furrowed brow , " it gets everywhere . I 've even found it on the banisters before - don 't ask me how it got there . " " Sorry about the long trek . " Ella smiled apologetically , as he heaved the case up the steep ascension in front of him , marvelling at the ease with which she carried Frederick 's . He shrugged nonchalantly as he finally managed to pull the case onto the flat of the hallway , though he silently thanked a higher power that there were no more steps . " With the cases , it was the only way we could come . " " Yeah , " Ella nodded , gesturing down the hallway , " the second panel in from the right is a door . There 's a set of stairs behind it , takes you right down to the entrance hall . It 's too narrow for cases though , it was designed for us scurrying cleaning girls . " " Not exactly secret , more hidden , but yeah , the place is full of them , Ernest loves them . Though , actually , he 's a little too large to use most of them , these days . " She glanced guiltily over her shoulder to check he wasn 't following , and then smirked before opening a door and showing Harry into a large bedroom . Harry smirked , the room seemed almost identical to Frederick 's apartment back in LA . A large piano took up one corner of the room , which Harry knew for a fact was purely for decorative terms since Frederick didn 't know how to play . On top of it was a small pile of books , all of them looking as though they 'd been started once , and then never finished . He 'd always had a habit of starting a book and then never put it away or passed it on until it was finished . He felt that was giving up , admitting defeat , and that was something he never liked to do . Out of habit , Harry picked up the half dozen books , carried them over to the bookcase on the wall by the door and started to file them back into place . He let out a small laugh as he discovered a complete set of Charles Dickens novels that had never been read . Ella gave a knowing smile as she refolded a pair of Frederick 's jeans . " Well , you know Freddie , perception is everything . As long as people believe he 's read all those books , he 'll never have to . It 's disturbing at times just how like his grandfather he is . " An involuntary cold chill shuddered through Harry . Disturbing was indeed the only word that could describe the vision he had in his head at that moment . Thankfully for Harry , a knock on the door temporarily removed the image from his mind , though it soon returned as he opened the bedroom door to find Ernest grinning back at him . " Yes , it is rather , isn 't it ? Listen , about that , " Ernest said gesturing to the large double bed in the centre of the room , " if you like I can get Ella to make up another room , you know if you don 't want to sleep in with another man . I don 't know what she was thinking of in the first place . Like I 'd let that sort of thing go on in my house . " " I 'm sure Ella can provide you with one of her rape alarms if you 'd like ? " Ernest looked across at Harry , smirking , clearly enjoying his own joke . Harry 's face , however , remained stony . " Mr Cromwell , I may not share the same lifestyle as your grandson - your grandson ! - but he is my friend , and frankly what you have just said is not only offensive to him , but also to me . " For a moment Ernest said nothing , but then he stood up to his full height - a few inches shorter than Harry - and bore his eyes right into him . " Young man , let me tell you something . I 'm going to walk away and pretend that you didn 't just talk to me like that . The next time I see you downstairs at the dinner table , I shall smile at you and I shall offer you food and drink . Tomorrow is Christmas Day , and again I shall be the perfect host , and I shall smile and talk to you pleasantly throughout the presents , the meal and the inevitable game of Charades in the evening . The day after that , I shall sit at the same table as you for breakfast and I shall smile . And then you will leave , and I shall smile at you as you go , and then you will never come back to this house again . And you will never talk to me like that again . " " Or me . " Harry glanced carefully over his shoulder at Ella , who was putting some of Frederick 's clothes away , and apparently couldn 't hear them . Harry lowered his voice anyway , Let me tell you something , old man , I 'm not frightened by anything or anyone . Now , you 're going to leave this room , and you 're going to remember every word I 'm about to say to you . My name is Harry Hicks , my brother 's name was Vincent Fisher . He was murdered by drug dealing scum and I found that dealer , I tied him up in my basement and I kept him there for a week . On that first day , I carved a letter into his back . And then on each day after that , I carved another letter and another letter into , until by the end of the week my brother 's name was spelled out in bloody scabs across his skin . On that final day , I took my knife and I slit open his chest . I ripped out his heart with my bare hands , just like he 'd ripped out mine , and for a moment , for one split second he saw me holding up his heart . " Ernest 's eyes boggled , his face turning purple with anger , but Harry continued . " I dumped the body in the woods , it was never found , and I was never caught . I imagine you wouldn 't want to piss me off . " " You totally just ripped off your own movie ! " Her face broke into a broad grin . " That whole speech - almost word for word from that film ! " " You 've only known him ten minutes , can you imagine how everyone else feels ? " They laughed together for a moment , as Ella returned to unpacking Frederick 's case . " So , that was from ' Street Beater ' right ? The one you got the Oscar for ? " " Well , you 're a very good actor . Despite what he said , I think Mr Cromwell believed you . " She moved over to the far wall which was taken up with six large doors , opened one of them and started hanging up Frederick 's shirts . Harry watched her for a moment , but they didn 't really see her . He was thinking about Vincent , his brother . Harry might not have ripped out anyone 's heart for his brother , but he had done something nearly as bad . He trailed off , but Ella finished his sentence for him . " You 're not gay . I know , I know , you keep saying it . Except … I haven 't actually heard you say it yet . " " You know , " she said , " I was the first person Frederick told , did he ever tell you that ? For six months after that moment , I stood by and listened as he continued to tell the rest of the world ' I 'm not gay ' . I knew what he was , I knew he was lying , but even then I was more convinced by his lies than yours . " Harry left Ella in the room continuing to unpack Frederick 's case and braced himself against the windowsill at the far end of the corridor . It had started to rain outside . Sheets of rain flew down so hard that Harry could see nothing but his own sorry reflection . Is Ella right ? He asked himself . He had made Vincent a promise , to live the life that his brother had always wanted . That meant listening to Tricia , doing what she said . Turning up to parties with attractive young women on his arm . What if they all know ? He glanced around and ran his hand across the wall , searching for the join in the wood panelling that betrayed the hidden staircase . He pushed randomly for a moment before finding himself in a tight , steep staircase . He carefully made his way down the steps and as he reached the bottom , he heard the sound of the front door opening . Harry stepped into a dark corner of the entrance hall , just behind the suit of armour , in time to see Elizabeth - still in her dressing gown - ushering a man into the house . He was covered from head to toe in drops of water , the rain had pasted a few curls of dark brown hair to his forehead . None of them had seen him enter , and Harry took the opportunity to watch Frederick . Harry often found himself staring at him when he was sleeping , or when he thought he was alone , and lost himself in thought , transfixed by his beauty . She doesn 't know what she 's talking about . He 's nothing like that bitter old man . " Blimey , that rain came from nowhere , " the man said , " one minute I was driving along down one of those clear country lanes and the next thing I know , I 'm practically swimming . " The man peeled off his raincoat and shook the loose strands of his dark hair to get rid of some of the spray . Harry felt a flush of anger course through him as Frederick looked him up and down , but soon forgave him . The man was gorgeous . Harry felt a stirring in his trousers as he watched him kiss Elizabeth , and for a moment , the flush of anger was replaced with a spasm of jealous . Harry was quite certain in that moment , that , if he 'd asked , he would have left the country with him right there and then . " You remember ? " Elizabeth frowned and Harry silently joined her , after all , Frederick had told him that he didn 't know this new guy 's name . None of them had seen him yet , and Harry slipped back up a step to continue watching them unseen . " Remember from what ? " " Oh , Robert works for your grandfather , he 's a financial advisor , he took over your uncle 's job when he fell ill . Now , I think I 'm going to go and finish off getting ready for dinner . " Elizabeth smiled , it seemed she couldn 't sense the tension in the room . Harry , however , certainly could . " Are you coming , Robert ? " Except , it 's not quite forgotten . The events of what happened to Dan before colour how she is now , some years later . She is at odds with pretty much every other member of every other rank of the Royal Navy , first having dared to tackle the bad guy on her own , and secondly for suggesting he may not have worked alone . It 's obvious this book is the start of a series , if not through the implication at the end of the book , then through it 's marketing , and that means some allowances can be made in terms of plot for the setting up of characters . Dan is set up so well here , answering the ' Would I read the second book in the series ? ' question becomes a breeze . Ernest could see that a fire was blazing less than three streets away . Willoughby Street , he calculated , and turned away from the window . He had to get to the air raid shelter in the back garden before his own street was hit . Ernest tried the handle , but the door wouldn 't move . It was locked . He took a step back , turned sideways and threw his body into the door . The weight of his tiny eight year old body was not enough to move it , but he tried again , this time , aiming his elbow at where the lock connected with the door frame . A spasm of pain shot up through his arm , and Ernest swore loudly as tears pricked in the corner of each eye . Still , the door hadn 't moved , but he couldn 't give up on her . He roared loudly as he threw himself back at the door , this time crashing through it into his mother 's bedroom . " Mum ! " He shouted , as he tried to ignore the blinding pain in his arm . He looked over to the double bed in the centre of the bedroom , it was empty . She 'd already gotten out . She would have grabbed hold of Raymond and made her way down to the shelter , he told himself , she would be there right now , waiting . He moved back out on to the landing and was startled to discover it had started to fill with smoke . Somewhere a fire was burning and he knew then that the attack was closer than three streets away . Ernest crouched down to the floor as he 'd been taught and moved towards the stairs . He turned again , without hesitating , and rushed back up the stairs towards his younger brother 's bedroom . He shoved open the door and immediately could feel the heat upon him . The smoke forced him to clamp shut his eyes and for a second time he dropped to the carpet . He crawled across the floor , moving towards his brother 's cot . He could still hear Raymond 's bawling , but now it was accompanied by the crackling sound of flames . An almost distant memory of once finding the noise of a fire comforting flashed through his mind , but he quickly dismissed it . He was anything but comforted . Ernest forced open his eyelids and immediately felt the stinging heat of the ash in his eyes . In front of him , the exterior wall of the house had been ripped away and through the gaping hole , Ernest could see the streets stretching away from him . All around him houses were burning , and theirs seemed to be at the centre of it . The cot was covered in dust , and pieces of brick and glass . Lacerations were spread across Raymond 's bare face and arms , and the blanket he lay on was red from his blood . Ernest grabbed hold of the now crimson fabric and scooped his younger brother up into his arms . He held him close to his chest and turned to the door , but was stopped by a thick wall of heat . He couldn 't be sure , but either the fire had spread or another one had started . The flames were now licking at both Ernest and his brother , causing Raymond 's pained screams to become louder . He landed on his feet on the grass but immediately a spasm of pain shot through his foot and up his right leg . His body , unable to cope with the agony , fell forwards to the ground . To avoid crushing the babe in his arms , he twisted as he fell . His head hit the grass , but his back hit a lump of rock , and in that moment Ernest 's screams were louder than those of his brother . From outside , the damage to his house looked minimal , at least compared to that of the other houses he could see . The house next door , the Andersons , was completely alight ; the entire top floor crushed . Whatever had hit his neighbour 's was what had caused the destruction in his brother 's room , nothing had actually hit their own house . " Mum , I 've got Raymond , he 's alive , but - " He looked around the shelter , but there was no one there . It was empty . " Mum ? " He remembered the locked door to his mother 's bedroom , the bed inside , undisturbed , not slept in and his brother , Raymond , left behind in his cot . The realisation hit him harder than the rock he had landed on . His mother , their mother , had left the house without them . She 'd left before the air raid had started . " Mum ? Where are you ? " His voice came out small and timid and the only reply was that of his own plea , echoing around the damp , metallic structure . Wherever she was , she 'd been there for some time . She 'd put Raymond in his cot at around seven and then Ernest had gone to bed an hour or so after . He pulled a pocket watch from his trousers where he 'd left it before he 'd gone to bed and checked the time . It was just past four in the morning . He stared at the hands of the watch , the second hand slowly ticking round , trying to figure out just where his mother might be . His chain of thought was interrupted by Raymond 's screaming and he held him close to his chest once more . " Hey , Raymond , come on , shh . We 're going to be alright . " He looked nervously at a puddle that had appeared in the corner of the shelter . " We 're going to be fine . " Ernest felt a small scratch sharper than even than that of his jumper against his chest and pulled the baby away from him . He looked at his brother 's face , a piece of glass was embedded in it . Without thinking , he pulled the shard out and used his sleeve to stop the bleeding as Raymond 's screams increased , the wound painfully exposed . Ernest began to dust away the grit from his brother 's hair , humming softly as he did trying to comfort not only Raymond , but also himself . He noticed a small piece of glass on Raymond 's neck and , again , without thinking , pulled it away . Blood began to spew violently from his brother 's neck . " Oh God ! Raymond ! " Ernest cried out in surprise as he quickly became covered . He tried to plug the bleeding , laying his brother down on a chair and kneeling in front of him . Raymond 's crying became more breathy with each sob . He pulled off his jumper and wrapped it around his brother 's neck in a useless attempt to stem the flow of blood . " Raymond , come on , come on . " Ernest took a deep breath , in an effort to keep his own tears inside . He picked his brother up again and held him close . It was only when Raymond 's sobs stopped suddenly that Ernest himself began to cry . He put the child down again and started to back away from him . Raymond was no longer crying , no longer screaming , no longer in pain - but he was looking . Looking straight at Ernest , a glassy , accusing stare . Raymond was still there , still staring , still facing the door . Ernest slowly stepped over to him and picked his jumper up off of him . He hesitated for a moment , before slipping it back over his head . The scratchy wool felt infinitely better than the sticky , blood - stained parts that came into contact with his chest . But both felt hugely better than the bitter cold that had enveloped him outside the shelter . He moved to the opposite side of the sanctuary , leant against the wall and slowly descended to the floor , loudly sobbing . He held his father 's pocket watch in his hand and stared at it for a moment . He screamed with a ferocious roar and angrily threw it against the side of the shelter . Doreen hurried out of the house and moved quickly across the yard in front of it . If her parents found out that he had gone missing again , it would be her that would be in trouble . After all , she was supposed to be the one taking care of him . She was the one responsible for getting him up in the morning , she was the one responsible for cooking his meals and getting him to help her father feed the animals and tend to the pregnant , hungry sheep . And she was the one responsible for making sure he didn 't go missing . Again . Her parents hadn 't been very enthusiastic when Ernest 's father had asked if he could live with them . He 'd said he couldn 't take care of him on his own and go out to work , not anymore . He would pay them any money for his upkeep , of course . As soon as money had been mentioned , they 'd been only too happy to take him in . Of course we have to take him in , they 'd said to Doreen - he 's family . Doreen wasn 't exactly sure how they were related , second cousins fourteen times removed or something like that . They dressed him in hand - me - downs and then pocketed the money they received every month . Since Doreen was not strong enough to work in the fields , nor old enough to have found her own husband , she was the one contributing least to the house . Yes , she helped her mother clean and cook , and yes , she cleaned up all of her brother 's cuts and bruises , but now she had a role in the family . A proper job , she was the child - minder , looking after yet another young boy . " Ernest ! " She whispered harshly , quietly hoping he would be able to hear her , but her parents wouldn 't . " Ernest , where are you ? " He liked the barn . He liked sitting in the hayloft and staring out the window , it was his favourite place to sit . But that was locked at night , there was no way in and only her father had the keys . As daring as Ernest might be , he would never dare to sneak into her parent 's bedroom and steal them . " You can live for years in London - the biggest city in the world - and you feel so big , just because you live there . Then you come out here and you realise just how small you are , just how big the world really is . Look at that . " He gestured to the space in front of him . " It 's so big , it 's bigger than the farm , it 's bigger than London . It 's bigger than any of us . " " How old are you really ? " Doreen asked the curiously sensitive boy sat next to her . He merely smiled at the joke but said nothing . There were several moments of contemplative silence where Doreen studied Ernest intently and Ernest studied nothing in particular , just as hard . " I know it 's difficult for you Ernest , being stuck here with strangers , not seeing your dad . Your mum … " Ernest climbed off the post and faced her as she trailed off . " You can say it . I do know , it is my fault after all . She 's dead . " " It would have been her birthday today . Every year I 've wanted to celebrate it , do something special for her , but Dad never acknowledged it - he barely acknowledged me . It 's because I killed her . " " I promised my father I would look after her ! " He shouted at her , unwelcome tears starting to form . " I told him I would keep her safe and I couldn 't ! I didn 't even know where she was when the bomb hit . " " That 's not your fault . Your mother was a grown woman , you were just a child - you were eight years ! There was no way you could know where she was . You couldn 't have helped her . " " What about Raymond ? " Ernest stared at her and Doreen bowed her head , silent . " He would have been eight by now , if I hadn 't killed him ! " He descended into a series of racking sobs and Doreen put her arms around him and hugged him tightly . As she did she had to fight to keep herself from crying . " It 's not your fault , you hear me ? It 's not your fault , it was war . Your brother , he was small . I 've heard what happened , they said there 's no way he would have survived , even if you 'd landed in a hospital bed when you jumped out that window . The way you got him out of that house … your mother would have been proud of you . " " You were there with him at the end . He didn 't die alone , and that 's the most important thing . That baby died knowing that he was loved , that there was somebody there fighting for his life , willing to risk his own life . " Tears were streaming down Doreen 's face . She felt so sorry for the young man in front of her , he was so vulnerable , so fragile . " That was you , Ernest , you did that . He didn 't die alone . Your mother … she … she didn 't have anyone . But she would have been so happy knowing that you were looking after him instead of her . " Ernest turned away from her and swallowed . More tears escaped from his eyes . After a moment he leant forward and gently kissed her on the lips . Startled , Doreen kissed back , before suddenly jumping away from him . She frogmarched him back across the fields , into the farmhouse and up the stairs towards his bedroom . The whole way she could hear him breathing loudly , trying to keep back the tears . He was still thinking about his mum , but her mind was on that kiss . Her parents would be horrified to know how many young men she had kissed , but Ernest was the youngest , and the only that had ever caused the hairs on her neck to prickle in the way that they had . His mouth had been firm on hers , she could still feel the slightest hint of stubble on his top lip . It had excited her in a way no man ever had before . " This isn 't about the kiss . " Ernest put a hand on her shoulder and she felt her legs go weak . " I just don 't want to be alone . Not tonight . I just need somebody to hold me . You 're the only person who cares about me . Doreen , please , just one night . " Doreen cautiously looked around the corridor before following him in . Ernest was more grown up than her brothers had ever been at that age . It was easy to forget how young he was . " Pardon ? " Doreen only realised how tense she was as Ernest spoke . She was not in the present at all , just nervous , excited about what could happen next . " Oh . " She was brought back to reality by the realisation that Ernest was not thinking about her , not trying to seduce her . He was still a boy , a young man grieving for his mother . " We were told that they found her in the garden . " " No , it 's ok . I … I want to talk about it . My best friend , Jimmy , he died that night too . " Doreen took his hand but Ernest just smiled and pulled it away . " It 's stupid , really , I watched his house burn and I didn 't even know . I woke up and saw a fire , only a couple of streets away , I didn 't even realise it was Jimmy 's house until they told me he 'd died . Well , Jimmy … you see , he , he always had a vivid imagination , he … he used to tell me that he had a cousin on the other side of the city , and that he and his family went to their air raid shelter one night and they were found the next morning and they 'd all drowned . A dodgy air raid shelter , built in the wrong place or something . One of the bombs cracked a mains pipe in the ground , and the shelter just … filled up . " " He swore it was true , I never really believed him . But that night - the night my mum died - there was this puddle of water in the corner , and I swear it was just getting bigger and bigger . " He pulled a pocket watch from his trousers . Doreen tried to get a glimpse of it , but he held it tightly in his hand . It was almost like he 'd forgotten she was even there . She could just see that the glass was cracked and one of the arms bent . " When Raymond … when Raymond died … I threw this at the wall . It was my dad 's , I felt … I felt like I 'd let him down , that I didn 't deserve to be his son any more . It landed in the puddle at the same moment that the last bomb hit . I watched it floating there in that puddle , and I just couldn 't stop thinking , what if I 'm next ? Raymond was on the chair , I could still see his face , his eyes open , staring at me . I couldn 't stay there … " Ernest began to cry and Doreen put her hand on his . " I left him there , I left my brother there in that … tin shack and I went outside . The … the whole house was flattened , completely destroyed , so was the Anderson 's . I climbed through a hole in the fence , and I started to move towards their shelter . Theirs was above ground , I … I thought it would be safer , that if it started to fill with water that we could just … open the door and it would be ok . But I got to the door and the all clear sounded and I … I turned back to face the houses and they were nothing , just two piles of rubble in the street , and I … I saw , I saw this leg , sticking out of the rubble . " " She was … buried , but somehow … I knew it was her . I started to dig her out , and … and she was cold and … and naked . " " That 's why it 's my fault . If I had looked after her like my father had asked , she would have been there with me and Raymond . If I had kept a closer eye on her , then , then she wouldn 't have been able to do anything with that … She would have heard that air raid siren , she would have taken Raymond and she would have woken me up and they would both still be alive . " They rocked together , tight in embrace until they pulled one another down onto the bed . She held him close , stroking the back of his head . Doreen was silent for a long time , as she felt tears running down her own face . It was only when she felt his lip brush against hers that she pulled away from him and sat up . " You need to get some sleep . I 'm going to go … brush my teeth , you get ready for bed . I have a blanket and I 'll get a spare pillow from the cupboard , you can … you can sleep on the floor . " Doreen crossed the hall into the bathroom . She stared into the mirror at her own reflection , at her tear stained face and sighed . She could barely believe what the boy had told her , everything that he had seen that night . Doreen ripped off the bow and opened the box to find a pair of diamond earrings . " Oh Ernie , this must have cost you so much ! Can we afford this ? " " Nothing 's wrong , honey , I was just looking at you . " He smiled at her and Doreen felt her face redden . " Can you believe we 've been married for five years already ? I never thought I 'd be married by the time I was thirty , let alone celebrating my fifth wedding anniversary when I 'm only twenty one . " " We didn 't exactly have much choice , really , did we ? Not that I regret it for a moment of course . " Doreen put her fork down . " Why don 't you go upstairs and see him before you eat ? I can slip this back in the oven , keep it warm . " " I 'm nearly six . " The young boy said with a grin and Ernest couldn 't help but smile as he watched him , his head cocked to one side , like a small puppy , considering for a moment before smiling and nodding enthusiastically . " I like playing in the shop . " " Well , when you 're older , me , you and Grandpa are going to have lots of shops to play in . We 're going to have shops in every town in the whole of Britain and we 're going to live in big , beautiful expensive houses , and have maids and servants to help us with everything . Would you like that ? " " Don 't worry . I 'll make sure I never lose you . Now , you 'd best get to sleep , or we 'll both be in trouble with mummy . " He kissed his son on the forehead and made his way over to the doorway . He switched the light off and was about to leave when a voice spoke in the darkness . I 'm finding it very difficult to talk about this book , perhaps because it 's real . People actually felt this pain . These tragic events actually happened . Perhaps she puts it best herself when she talks about carrying the grief around in a rucksack . She 's learnt how to carry that rucksack around with her , and accepts it always will be there . But what she notes with some insight is that nearly everyone has a rucksack of some sort . Everyone has a story , a tale . Some of them don 't have the twists and turns that exist in others . Some are smaller in scale than others . But they 're still there . They 're still as heavy . He hadn 't planned this , it wasn 't something he 'd set out to do . Even two hours ago it wasn 't something he 'd ever thought about . But then he 'd seen the shop . His eyes quickly settled on the first thing he saw behind the boy , and requested it . He 'd paid his money and then slipped the small green lighter into his pocket , before slowly heading to a small café area on the far side of the shop . He 'd been the only one there , and had slowly begun to fiddle with the lighter . It was then he 'd made up his mind . Suddenly , the eyes of the boy who had served Raymond earlier were looking directly into his own . They widened in shock for a moment , but he said nothing . He stood up , taking his trousers with him . " You 're not going to get in trouble . I 'm the boss . Come on , just once . I spend all day watching you sit behind that counter serving those dickheads that come in here , and I have to stop myself from taking you , right there and then . Just once , please , let me lie you across that counter and - " " You 're such a goody - two shoes . " The older voice chuckled , and Raymond heard the soft padded sound of a hand gently smacking the arse of the till assistant . He watched the older man 's feet move away , out of sight and started to get up . " My name is Raymond Cromwell . " Raymond offered by way of an explanation and he surprised himself with his honesty , it wasn 't a name he 'd used in a long time , and he was surprised he still thought of himself as that person . Perhaps it was being here , in this place . " It 'd be me that gets the blame . Me or Tim , you know ? They 'd say we hadn 't closed up properly . We 'd get interviewed by the police , the insurance people , they 'd say it was our fault . " His eyes lazily focused on the silhouette of his attacker - his murderer - fleeing the study and he tried to think , to figure out where he had gone wrong . His body was immobile , he could barely move , it seemed to take a massive effort to even blink , but his brain , his mind was alive . He thought of his business , his sons and his daughter , and their families - his grandchildren . He thought briefly , angrily of Harry . But then he remembered his wife and their life together . For a moment , as images of Doreen swam in front of his eyes he felt happy . As his last breath rattled through his throat , he still didn 't understand what had changed , what had led him to this death , and that was what he felt in the last moment of life . Frustration . Ernest Cromwell had known , had controlled everything and yet he had failed to anticipate this moment . At first I thought that main character Lily Wilder was a cross between Samantha Jones ( off of Sex and the City ) and Ally McBeal ( off of , well … Ally McBeal ) . But after a while I realised , this was a character conceived in the post - Lena Dunham world - although it is entirely possible this view point is coloured by the fact I 've just started watching Girls for the first time . Lily is getting married to Will . Will is perfect for her , except they 're rushing into marriage and something doesn 't feel quite right . Throw in that she 's sleeping with every man she encounters , single handedly defending an oil company from a massive compensation claim , and dealing with her father sleeping with all three of his ex - wives and Lily is having quite an eventful week . Honestly , I 'm not sure . But that 's why I 've created a spreadsheet to help me work out if I like a book or not . I 'm a fan of a spreadsheet . I 've spent the last six months or so reading a shit load of books . And with it , I 've been writing reviews of them . One review a week , written as much for me as they were for anyone else . When I typed Jude St Francis into Google - a link to my blog was the first result . Now a month or two later , it 's the second link . This was a huge surprise , I 'm not sure how it happened , but it did . And then I stopped to think . Two thousand views in a year , and I only started regularly posting in July . A little bit of quick maths tells me that I could hit four thousand views a year - or more - if I posted regularly .

Filed under : All about me , Here and now | Comments ( 7 ) I am exhausted today , despite the decent night of sleep . I guess it 's catching up with me a little bit , all this fuss over Mom . I did go back to work . And got some work done . But I also went to the Alz center to fill out the required admission paperwork . When I got there , Mom was just entering the lobby . " Isn 't this amazing , " she said when she saw me . The activities director , meeting me for the paperwork , said Mom had attended church this morning . I sat Mom on the couch in the lobby and said I would be meeting with Meg and would come out and visit Mom a little later . I figure if she can relax enough to fall asleep in this public space , she is feeling pretty good . Two different staff members have told me about seeing Mom plop onto the same couch . The business manager who happened to be in on Sunday said at one point Mom had her legs hoisted over an arm of the couch and was lying on her back , fast asleep . This cracks me up . Mom really never met a couch she didn 't like . Today , I woke her up and combed her hair and walked her into lunch before I left . Saturday and Sunday visits went well . I got all of Mom 's clothes and belongings labeled with her name . I painted her nails on Saturday and we took a walk in the secure outdoor area . She also played a little shuffleboard . On Sunday , she played a little game knocking balloons around with those swimming noodle toys , and later , we watched Jackie Gleason on TV in the program area for a little while . I said I needed to get going to the grocery store and she said , " Go ahead and do what you need to do " and said she would be fine staying there and watching TV . She has said she 's afraid of getting lost , that she is afraid in general . But she isn 't really saying these things with the feeling that she had before when she was making complaints about moving . Perhaps she is saying them out of habit now . But she does not seem fretful . Staff report that her appetite is very good - and she does not eat as well when she is stressed , I have found . A receptionist saw her walking around and sitting in the lobby Saturday with a friend , though I don 't think she remembered doing that by the time I showed up later that day . I imagine she feels uneasy sometimes , that she knows she 's someplace new . But it is not causing the profound anxiety that she had at the other nursing home , where she was agitated so much of the time . As Patrick says , it wasn 't just the administrator at Whetstone telling us that it wasn 't working out with Mom ; Mom was telling us , too , in the only way she knew how . Filed under : Here and now | Comments ( 8 ) So , there I am again , at work , thinking I can finally catch up after 1 1 / 2 days of scrambling to get Mom on waiting lists for other facilities in town . My phone rings , and I think to myself , if that is Noah the administrator , I might say or do something I regret . Instead , it 's the social worker . Telling me a bed has opened at the Columbus Alzheimer Care Center , and they have accepted Mom for admission and are ready for Mom to move in . Today . This was quite a shock , but there was no way I wasn 't going to jump on this chance . I told her I 'd set everything in motion and we 'd move her today . I called Patrick and asked him to take the day off of work . I e - mailed my sister , brother and brother - in - law to tell them it was happening today and I 'd talk to them later about details . I e - mailed my boss , who was out the office , and said I needed another day off to move Mom . I updated my Facebook status with the good news . Patrick came to my office to pick up boxes , and we were off . My plan was to take Mom to lunch and for ice cream while Patrick moved her belongings . When I got to her place , I saw Mom listening to music in her lounge and I went to the nursing station to ask if I needed to sign her out … permanently . Not necessary . They gave me some paperwork to give to her new nurse . They shared stories of her latest antics - mostly a refusal to have her hair washed in the shower . The activities aide , a young man who Mom had immediately liked , said she had spent an hour with him one day just walking around . He could tell she wasn 't mean like some people are . I thanked them for their efforts with her and said I 'm sorry it didn 't work out . I said a special thanks to Stephanie for being so nice to me . I went up to Mom and asked her if she wanted to go to lunch and she said yes with no hesitation . She got up and said goodbye to her roommate , who said , " Come back , " and Mom said , " I will . " I almost choked up right there . Walking out of the building , I started right in on the news that I was moving Mom . I told her I was concerned that she wasn 't happy , and I found a new place where I thought she would get the right kind of care - she wouldn 't have people following her around all the time , telling her what to do . She seemed intrigued by the idea . We went to Bob Evans for the usual , pot roast hash for her and a big salad for me . Then we went to Graeter 's for ice cream to take up some more time and so we could both have a treat , darn it . By this time it was 1 : 30 and I just wanted to get Mom to her new location and start that process . We went in and went to her room , where Patrick was separating out all breakable items to take home and sorting pictures to give to Mom for a new plexiglass frame ( no glass allowed in this facility ) . Mom seemed to like the room . She sat in a chair while we worked on putting things away . Her roommate , B , was asleep in a chair for awhile . She woke up and came over and ran her hands over some of Mom 's T - shirts that had bright pink stripes . She can 't talk anymore , but she is mobile and she is curious . Patrick got what he needed and left - poor guy has a long class tonight for his new grad school program , plus a hand injury from work . I finished putting Mom 's clothes away . A nurse came to examine her . Looking at pictures had reminded Mom of her grandmother and she was trying to talk about the past . She finally got fed up when the nurse asked to look in Mom 's mouth , so the nurse left and said she 'd try again later . I filled out an inventory of Mom 's things . The roommate came over and took Mom 's alarm clock and walked out of the room and dropped it in the hall . While I ran to my car to get Mom 's laundry , she took Mom 's glasses off of her face and dropped those in the hall , too . I found Mom lounging on her bed , not concerned about her missing glasses . B also sat next to Mom on her bed and held one of Mom 's teddy bears for awhile . She has a sweet disposition and I want to share with her , and I think Mom will be inclined to , too . The room is bigger than her previous room , and is brighter . The facility discourages bringing much into the place to avoid falls , theft and the use of items as projectiles , I think . The TV is discouraged , and I don 't think Mom will miss it . When the housekeepers made the bed , they put a Mom on her new bed . The buffet in the background has been in our family all of my life . Now it 's her dresser . We decided to take a walk around the place . On our way out of the room , an activities director stopped me to ask some questions and have me sign a few forms . I ran into my neighbor , a social worker for a hospice organization in town , which was a pleasant surprise . Then Mom and I went and sat in the lobby , and a nurse came to talk to me for a bit about what happened at Mom 's previous location . She also said to me , " I 'll bet you 'll sleep well tonight . You are probably exhausted . " This is the first time a staff member at a facility in which Mom lived has ever said such a thing to me . Later , when I was leaving for the evening , she said , " Hang in there , Emily . " This is among the reasons Mom , and I , will be better off at this facility , where the staff members know how hard Alzheimer 's in particular is for a family . Mom in the lobby , with the front desk behind her . It 's a really nice space . A little later , it filled up with residents watching a sports bloopers program on TV . A view down the hall to the other wing . There are two wings , and Mom is in the smaller one , which actually typically houses patients with more advanced disease . Eventually , she can move to this other wing - for now , she is occupying the first available bed . I think staff will help her get to this other side for activities and more interaction with residents . We watched sports bloopers on TV for the 4 p . m . activity . Lots of patients were wheeled in for this event . A few were able to walk in . Mom was surveying this new landscape , and I sensed she might think there were too many sick people around . She was worried about one woman who was leaning forward way out of her wheelchair . At dinner , I think Mom had similar feelings , like she was surrounded by people sicker than she is . I hope to encourage her to go to the other side of the building , where most patients are not as advanced as they are in her wing , so she 'll feel a little more comfortable . She put dog / cat and three other stuffed animals on the dining room table and said maybe the other people at the table would like them , too . I told her she has a nurturing side to her - that she likes kids , and she cares about people who seem sick or in need of help . " Really ? " she said . But it 's true . She turned to the woman to her right , in a tipped - back wheelchair , and said , " What 's your name ? " The woman was named Frieda . Mom didn 't tell her her own name . I had told Mom I would be leaving when she had dinner - this was while we were still watching bloopers . She got a little fretful at that time and said she was afraid to be alone . That she was nervous . I told her staff would look after her and do all they could to make her feel at home . I told her I would be back tomorrow , but I had to get home to let the dogs out of their crates and check in on work . She didn 't like it , but she was not particularly angry . Sort of resigned to it . " Let 's not do this again , " she said . I assume she meant let 's not move again . She also said , " Am I going to be here the rest of my life ? " I told her let 's think in terms of one day at a time . We don 't have to decide anything about her whole life now . She let me kiss her goodbye . I took one more photo before I left . Filed under : Here and now | Comments ( 3 ) I got some facts today that have improved my outlook about Mom 's circumstances . The most important : There is some law on our side . The nursing home is required to give us 30 days to vacate after they provide written notice that they want Mom to move out . There is no written notice as yet and ideally there never will be one . But at least now I know they can 't actually dump Mom . I called the county long - term - care ombudsman to find this out . I did not lodge a complaint against Mom 's facility that would set off an investigation . But I asked questions , got some information about the places I am considering , and just generally wanted to talk to a disinterested third party about what was going on . Getting the information about the law made me very glad I made that call . I also talked to the nursing director at Mom 's facility and the social worker handling Mom 's case . Though it remains true that Mom is probably not a good long - term candidate for their facility in their eyes , the nursing director was reassuring about the care Mom will receive until she leaves . I left her a voice mail saying I was seeking a second opinion beyond what Noah had told me . She called back within about an hour and a half and we had a lengthy talk . She had read the nursing notes about Mom to familiarize herself with the details . She said she has seen Mom camp out by the front automatic doors , as if she wants to pounce out of the place at her first opportunity . She also had a couple of more details about Mom 's toilet issues . In addition to pooping in a chair in one man 's room , she pooped into a trash can in another room . So that is undesirable behavior - not something that should get her kicked out , but part of the package . She is entering other residents ' rooms with some regularity , which is among the reasons she really needs to have the one - on - one . The nursing director was at least kind , acknowledged that this turn of events sucks for me , said she can imagine I am shocked about the whole thing , and said she promised Mom will get good care until I can find a new place for her . I told her I was really worried about that - not because I had any indication the staff were mean but because I imagine less is invested in short - timers in general . I made a point of telling her how many aides and nurses I had talked to and how involved I have been . She also asked me to seek her out and introduce myself to her . So I feel that she is not going to avoid me . And even if it is only a public relations move on her part , it is helping me feel less completely hostile about what 's going on . She made the mistake of also recommending the secure ward in their Grove City facility , where she also used to work . She said , " Now this isn 't a ploy or anything , " and then talked about how great that place is . I canI also toured two other facilities , one another all - Alzheimer 's center and another with a secure ward within a regular nursing home . The all - Alzheimer 's center I toured is a very close second to my preference , the Columbus Alzheimer Care Center . Its patient rooms are the most home - like I 've seen . The rest of the place isn 't as open and bright , but it would certainly do . The activities room was packed . The staff I encountered were terrific . Mom 's neurologist is the medical director . It 's farther away from my house , about 7 miles , but that is not a disaster . I did not get a call from admissions today as I was supposed to , so that 's an irritation . The other place I toured would be a desperation backup only . The facility itself is cosmetically really nice looking . But the Alzheimer 's ward was depressing , the activities room was empty , the dining area was tiny and the residents looked really out of it . The nursing and aide staff did not acknowledge me in any way while I was looking around . I think it might be all looks and not much substantive care . Meanwhile , I decided to visit Mom today , too , an hour and a half before lunch . I went in just assuming no one knows anything . I chatted with staff , said hi to the nurses , checked Mom 's room . An aide told me she was in the activities room , and I found her there , waiting for a music program to start . Her one - on - one was sitting at a table in the back of the room , and I sat down with her for a little while . She said Mom seemed OK , not angry about anything . Not exit - seeking . Not mean to the aide . She was looking forward to the music . I then went and sat next to Mom on the floor . We sang along with the tunes performed by a woman playing a guitar . Mom had dog / cat , so that is good news . ( I liked this about the aide : I said , " Oh , good , she has her dog . " " That 's cat , " the aide said . Righto , missy . ) I wrote Mom 's name on dog / cat 's tag while I was sitting there . I noticed Mom wasn 't wearing a bra and her hair was a mess . This could have to do with whaKicked out Posted August 26 , 2009 Filed under : Here and now | Comments ( 3 ) So , I 'm sitting at my desk at work , trying to concentrate on a news release that should already be done . I 'm not doing half bad at sticking to it so I can finish it off before the end of the day . It 's about 11 a . m . My phone rings . It 's Noah , the administrator from Mom 's facility . Do I have a minute ? I have butterflies . A call from Noah is not a good thing at this stage of Mom 's transition . I wish I had recorded the things he said . Obviously I 'm calling about your Mom . It 's not working out . She had a bad night again last night ( her second bad night ; the first was her very first night ) . She hit a staff member . ( Was she hurt ? I asked . No , she 's OK . ) She approached a door again . I talked to the chief of nursing , and the feeling is that no change after two weeks means she is not going to change . ( I wish I had said : Did you talk to a single floor nurse ? She has changed quite a bit since her first day , according to nurse Stephanie ) . I think you should probably look into a secure Alzheimer 's unit for her . She 's always agitated when I see her or try to talk to her . ( I wish I had said : She probably knows you better than any of us and hates you , you asshole . ) So , there is no willingness to try some medication to affect her mood , I ask . No , I also talked to the doctor and he doesn 't want to medicate her any further . OK , well , my first try will be to the Columbus Alzheimer Care Center , where I have attended support groups a few times . All Alzheimer 's all the time . They will know what they 're doing there . ( I didn 't say that last part out loud . ) . Well , Noah says , you might want to consider one of our other facilities - we are part of a chain . We have a secure unit in our facility in Grove City . It 's really nice , recently renovated . I was the administrator there before I came here . That would be three strikes against it : Noah ran the place , it 's in Grove fucking City , and it 's part of the same rotten corporation currently removing my mother from a facility . I don 't think so . My dad and brother both immediately said : isn 't that a conflict , for him to recommend another facility in the same corporation ? Could he have had an agenda all along ? Is this not even possibly illegal ? Crazy with the drama of it all , I hadn 't even thought of that . ( And interestingly , I asked the social worker with Mom 's neurologist to recommend any places and offer her insight about this facility Noah mentioneSo then I cried and called Patrick . It didn 't take long for a new emotion to emerge : Move on . Mom will be better off . Get to it now . Get her out of there . Take her Medicaid dollars away from them as soon as possible . I called the Columbus Alzheimer Care Center and scheduled a tour for later this afternoon . The place is bright , has wide open spaces , has fake wood floors to foster cleanliness ( A lot of the male residents think they can go to the bathroom just anywhere , my tour guide noted ) . The rooms are bigger . The residents can roam and wander as much as they want . They are expected to . There are activities that residents are guided to . Staff have worked there four , seven , 10 , 14 years . It was founded by the man who still serves as the medical director , a former chief of neurology at Ohio State . I got a good feeling and filled out some paperwork . There are two beds open and the competition can be fierce . The sooner Mom 's facility could fax over some information , the sooner I 'd be in the running for one of those beds . I called the social worker at Mom 's place and asked her to send the fax . I said I was in a competition so time was of the essence . I can only hope she followed through , that she has more of a conscience than her administrator and wouldn 't , you know , drag her feet to reduce my chances of getting Mom placed there . She did not make small talk , didn 't acknowledge this unfortunate turn of events . Fine . I am looking at a couple of other places , but am really hopeful about this center . They want to fill their beds , so an eager family might be just the ticket . I also left a voice mail for the admissions staffer at Mom 's place , asking her to fax me a copy of the admission papers I signed . I should have gotten a copy the day I admitted her but I am dumb that way . I just said matter of factly that I need those papers , either by fax or by a copy left for me at the desk , tomorrow . I hope she wonders why I 'm asking . I just want to know Mom 's rights . But I also hope to make everyone squirm if I can . I at some point will remind them that I spent Mom 's life savings and two years of her small income , probably about $ 80 , 000 , at their assisted living facility , and the thanks we get is a push out the door after an arbitrary two - week deadline for her to adjust . I also did not visit Mom today . I figured I would not be in good shape to discuss anything with any staff I might see , nice or not so nice . But I also thought : You don 't like her ? Well , you 're going to get an extra large dose of her because I am now too busy to visit her and take her off of your hands . Not necessarily good for Mom if she is suffering , but I can 't truly alleviate her suffering until I can take her out of there permanently . Also not exactly taking the high road , but I think I deserve to unload a little bit on these people . Dog / cat is missing Posted August 25 , 2009 Filed under : Here and now | Comments ( 2 ) Yesterday , Monday , was the first day in nine days , I think , that I didn 't see Mom . I went back to work , and I was sort of busy , and we had a special staff lunch , and I wanted to go to an exercise class after work , so I just didn 't make time for Mom . I called her nursing station late in the afternoon to see how she was doing . I said I was wondering if Mom had had " a reasonably not terrible day . " That made the nurse laugh . Mom is back with a one - on - one at all times , or at least during waking hours . The one - on - ones are now staying back when Mom approaches a door to see what she 'll do . Often , she will just look outside and then walk away . She did have one moment yesterday when she bolted out the main front door , which automatically opens when a person walks by . She apparently told her aide there was nothing she could do to stop Mom . This aide coaxed Mom back in and by the time they got around again to the nursing station , Mom was fine . The nurse I was talking to was the same one I had talked to Friday night . She is gentle and kind , and I appreciate the concern she expresses , and her high hopes for Mom to continue making progress . " Watch out , " I said , " or you 're going to be my favorite . You 're so nice to me . " She laughed at that , too . I can imagine the staff members have many and mixed emotions about family members . I 'm hopeful that I am doing things as " right " as I can as far as they are concerned . Being there , not being bossy , giving them relief , asking them questions , giving them information that might help them . I continue to come across people who knew Mom on the assisted living side for one reason or another , and that is a comfort . My weekend visits were shorter . On Saturday , I visited Mom about an hour before dinner . I frankly sort of forget how it went . That 's a good sign , that it was rather uneventful . She seemed to be doing OK and I dropped her off at dinner at her table with Zolie and Ruby , the people my sister and I sort of picked to be her dining companions . I do recall that on that day , Mom was just having 15 - minute checks . So she was sort of on her own , with staff hunting her down to see what she was doing every 15 minutes . And she didn 't try to escape . Sunday is more memorable . I visited Mom shortly before lunch . She was lying on her bed . There was a one - on - one in her room . She informed me that Mom was back on the one - on - one schedule , in part because of what she had done the night before . Sometime after dinner , she had walked into a man 's room , sat in a chair and took a dump , right there , in her pants . This would be the third poop accident I know about that has occurred somewhere other than in her own bathroom . If she 's anything like me , she has intestinal issues when she is experiencing a lot of stress . I wonder if that could be a contributing factor . Or can she not find a bathroom fast enough ? She is eating the same food , so I imagine she is not adjusting to a new diet . I wonder if she is just becoming more incontinent all the time . It is dreadful to think this way , but I wish , if that is the case , that she were less mobile so her accidents would be less likely to occur in such distant places . She had objected Sunday morning to have any help with grooming on the lower half of her body . The aide had managed to change her shirt , but Mom wouldn 't budge about the pants . She had , however , had a nice shower on Saturday , I was told . I agreed to change Mom 's pants and disposable underwear . After that was taken care of , we went to the lobby to read part of the newspaper . We walked in the courtyard a little bit . She seemed fairly typically confused but her mood was pretty level . I dropped her off at lunch and as far as I know , Today , Tuesday , I did visit , after her lunch and my lunch . I found her walking in her hallway with an aide , one who had been with her last week . She said Mom seemed to be doing OK . I asked Mom how she was and she said , " It 's really bad . " But she just about immediately forgot that , because she never said it again . She looked a little messy . Her hair was all crazy and I think she was wearing the same socks from at least Sunday . This isn 't typical , but I wonder if she is putting up a fuss when an aide is helping her get dressed . I noticed right away she was not carrying dog / cat . She had a black stuffed dog instead . I asked , " Where 's cat ? " which was stupid , because Mom would not be able to tell me . The aide pointed to her room . I told the aide I 'd be there for about 45 minutes . We went to Mom 's room . I brushed her hair and put some lipstick on her . I looked everywhere for dog / cat - in the two closets , the bathroom shower stall , under the bed , in Mom 's drawers , in the laundry basket . I thought he might have gotten dirty again . He was not in the room . I didn 't want to alarm Mom . I know he 's got to be in that building somewhere , and many people know he belongs to Mom . I gave up and asked her to take a walk . We were going to go to the lobby and look at the newspaper , but when we got to the aviary lounge , Mom sat on the couch there . There was a songbook on the piano this time . I asked Mom if I should play something . I can read music , but I no longer trust I can play both left - and right - hand parts of songs anymore . I played the melodies of a few songs : " We 've Only Just Begun , " " Singing in the Rain , " " Try to Remember . " I sang along a little bit . A housekeeper came by and sang along , too . It was fun . Mom started to sing the words to " Edelweiss , " just the first word , really . I would have played it for her , but it wasn 't in the book . She can remember song lyrics every now and then . Mom seemed sort of befuddled today . Not fretful , but sort of flat and at the same time talkative - but talking nonsense . She said she doesn 't have anyplace to sleep , something she used to say in assisted living . She was asking about her money , saying she had some out in the world somewhere . I told her I use all of her money to pay for where she lives . I think she was trying to say she wants me to use her money to move her back to assisted living or someplace else . I wonder if someone said something to her about money , maybe a resident . When I knew I would need to get going I tried to think of where to take Mom that would make it easiest to say goodbye - something to occupy her . We went into the activities room , wA little tough love Posted August 22 , 2009 Filed under : All about me , Here and now | Comments ( 4 ) Things have been mostly good with Mom since the Wednesday night concert . That was quite an event , held inside because of rain . The dining room was packed with residents and a few family visitors . The facility offers free food and door prizes . When I got there , Mom was eating a hotdog and popcorn . This was shortly after dinner . I 'm glad she has an appetite . When she doesn 't eat well , it usually coincides with stress , like the most recent cat death and the move to the nursing home . We sat through the music , clapped and sang along . When it was over , I went with Mom back to her room . It was 8 : 30 , typically her bedtime . She got into bed , but was still in her clothes . Now that she has aides around , she changes into pajamas every night and into a new outfit every day . I was turning her over to her aide , and I said I had to leave . She said , " Oh , no , don 't go " and reached her arms out to me . She has never done this , and it was terrible . I told her it would be OK , that she would be asleep soon . She calmed down and I kissed her goodbye . As I was driving home , I felt upset . I guess this is how parents feel . I thought of the time I was visiting my sister and her husband at their house in Connecticut 20 years ago , when their baby Julia was just about four months old . Laura was trying to teach Julia how to fall asleep by herself . This often involves letting a baby cry . Laura was shattered by this whole thing , and at the time , I thought , is it really that big a deal ? I can see now why that was so painful . I opted against parenting , and I 'm glad for a variety of reasons . Now I am getting a taste of it , but mostly of the difficult parts . I do not get to see a child grow up and become her own person . Instead I am watching my mom become more and more like a child every day . It is an interesting experience , and certainly is teaching me a variety of things . I hope that , when the stress of this move has passed , it might make me more patient - with Mom and just in geneI returned Thursday in the morning . Both Mom and her roommate were taking a nap . I relieved the aide for awhile and read a magazine while Mom tried to sleep through all the noise in the hall . A little after 10 a . m . she decided to get up . We went to the lobby to read the newspaper . I had a deadline this time : an 11 : 30 date with friends for lunch . And a friend was visiting later in the afternoon , and I would be picking him up at the airport . I left Mom in the lobby with her aide and went to lunch . I had a fun night out with my friend , an old college roommate on his way to Athens to attend his niece 's wedding . He , Patrick and I had dinner and drinks . The next morning , we hung out until my friend had to meet his brother for a ride to Athens . I had spent more than 24 hours away from Mom by the time I went to see her around 2 p . m . on Friday . I found her sitting in a little lobby area surrounded by staff . " Here comes her daughter , " one staffer said , and I said , " What 's wrong ? " They laughed at me for that - there was nothing really wrong . Mom was being just a little bit grumpy - there was a birthday gathering in the courtyard , and she didn 't want to attend with her aide . But when I arrived , Mom said it would be OK to go out there with me . I relieved the aide and we sat outside with a pretty large group of residents . They were served homemade sno - cones and there was music playing . This is a monthly event to celebrate any birthdays of the given month . Mom seemed fine . A social worker came over to us and introduced herself to me and asked how things were going . I told her there had been lots of improvement since a week ago , when Mom spent hours trying to escape . She then did an assessment on Mom right there , asking her a series of questions , I assume to gauge her level of memory loss as well as her mental health . The questions included the usuals , what day is it , what month is it , what season is it , what kind of facility is this . Then she asked Mom about whether she is happy , whether she feels helpless , whether she has hope for the future , whether she has regrets about the past . Mom answered , when she could , in a generally positive way . This was a relief to me . I figured she didn 't really comprehend that she was being examined about her potential level of depression . When it was over , I suggested we go to the lobby to read the newspaper . We sat on our usual couch and I gave Mom the funnies . I read through a couple of sections . I noticed Mom was occasionally looking at the paper and occasionally just sitting there picking her chin . There were several people in the lobby area chatting , but eventually it cleared out . I had another deadline today : a 4 : 15 massage . I wanted to leave by 4 . A little before then , Mom started to complain that she is very alone at this facility . She said I should have told her earlier that she was moving . She had said a few things that suggested to me she might have had another visit to the assisted living side , but I didn 't pursue any information about it because 1 ) I didn 't want Mom to remember it and 2 ) if I had asked an aide about it and found out it was true , I would have been pissed that she was allowed over there when I have instructed staff not to take her there anytime soon . I could see she had developed a bit of a black cloud over her head . I told her we should walk in the courtyard to look at the trees , flowers and birds . As we were crossing to another door , she sat down in a chair and complained some more . She noted that there were no people around outside and she didn 't like that . We walked inside , and found one familiar person there - Audrey , a former assisted living resident who moved to the nursing home before Mom . She is feisty and has said she doesn 't want Mom to follow her around . I appreciate her honesty . But on this day she also said she had been diagnosed with pneumonia , and I wanted to get away from her as fast as I could . I took Mom to the lounge to see if she wanted to watch TV . I told her I needed to get going . I found out she would not have a one - on - one for the rest of the day - she is being weaned off of that . Which I think is a good thing , but I was bummed that it was coinciding with her bad mood . A nurse came to give her her antipsychotic . I expected that would calm Mom eventually . I took Mom to her room , turned on " Bonanza " on her TV and suggested she just rest for awhile to seI 'm home alone for a couple of days while Patrick visits his parents in Michigan . I thought I would watch some sort of mindless movie on TV , but instead I watched " Away from Her , " a movie about Alzheimer 's , for a second time . And while I watched , I scanned a book , " Alzheimer 's A to Z . " The book is for caregivers . It mostly has anecdotal information about what patients might do and strategies to deal with these things . I actually find it a little elementary and only marginally helpful . I decided to turn off the TV and read some crime fiction in bed with the dogs . I put them to bed before 10 p . m . and fell asleep fairly easily . I woke up at 7 : 30 a . m . So I really shouldn 't complain about being tired today . I 'm contemplating a long walk in the sunshine and an eventual visit with Mom that I think I will time to occur shortly before dinner . I 'm hoping for a happy Bonnie today . Filed under : Here and now | Comments ( 4 ) Jeff and Tom left yesterday morning . They stopped to see Mom before they left . With trepidation , I sent Jeff a text asking how Mom was . He sent back two messages , one saying the nurses were reporting she had a rough morning and one with a little more detail about how she yelled at people at the nurses station . I 'm sure she behaved better once Jeff and Tom got there , so they didn 't see any of this firsthand . I went over right after lunch . I found her walking the halls with an ice cream in her hand . She was with Tiffany , a nursing scheduler who might be my favorite staff member so far . She laughs a lot and hugged and kissed Mom the other day . She is giving Mom a chance to show her good side , and I appreciate that . Tiffany turned Mom over to me . I also ran into Mom 's one - on - one for the morning , who said Mom cussed out the nurses station and had done a lot of pacing . Mom also had had a messy bathroom accident in a public restroom and wouldn 't let anyone help clean her up and absolutely refused a shower . The one - on - one managed to change Mom into some new pants and bag up the soiled pants . She also bagged up Mom 's dog / cat because it got poop on it . I told her I would give her some relief from Mom for the day . She was maintaining a decent attitude , but I 'm sure she had just about had it . Mom continued to complain to me about her , but I tried to explain that everyone is there to help . Sometimes , Mom just cannot be convinced that a person is really on her side . So Mom still has one - on - ones , but she hasn 't tried to escape since Friday . I told Shana , the aide , that I would give Mom a shower . She set me up in the bathing area with towels and washcloths . The shower in Mom 's room doesn 't work , and it 's pretty common for residents to be bathed or showered in the staff bathing areas because they have lots of space to move around , plus draping for privacy . I coaxed Mom out of her clothes and all of her jewelry , which wasn 't easy . I sat her on the chair in the shower and just started the washing process . I washed her hair and face first to get that part over - she doesn 't like her face to get wet . I scrubbed her as well as I could all over , and though I didn 't see any obvious poop on her butt or legs , I tried extra hard to get those areas clean . I dried her and put her in clean clothes , got her many bracelets back on her wrists and took her to her room to dry her hair . I put lipstick , powder and blush on her . She looked pretty good . I also decided that it would not do for her dog / cat to be gone for as long as it might take me to get it cleaned at my house , so I took it out of the bag and gave it a bath in Mom 's bathroom sink . It didn 't look visibly soiled , but I gave its fake fur a good scrubbing and dunked its whole body under water . I tried to wring water out of it and hung him on the shower curtain rod in her bathroom to dry . Mom was a little upset about not having him to carry , so I tried to accelerate his drying with the hair dryer . But it wasn 't making much progress . I gave her a black stuffed dog as a substitute until dog / cat gets dry , and that seemed to work . We went to the lobby to read the newspaper . We walked back to Mom 's room , and she was ready for a little nap . I had brought a couple of magazines for her , so I read People magazine while she slept . Her second aide for the day came in and I told her I was hoping Mom could be part of the manicure activity at 3 : 30 . Instead , her aide , a recent cosmetology school graduate , gave Mom a private manicure in her room . She also told me she would give Mom 's roommate a manicure , too . I left them as that process was starting . Today , I decided to go over in the morning to see how Mom was doing . When I got there at 9 : 30 Mom was resting , and her aide told me she had had a good breakfast and a good bowel movement - no accident , and no fighting about the cleanup . Mom had on a new outfit and she seemed to be in a pretty good mood . I told her aide I would stay until lunch time . Mom got up then and we went to the lobby to read the paper . I like this routine . Mom tends to read mostly the life section , and looks at the comics . She can still read , but I don 't think she absorbs anything at all . Sometimes she 'll read headlines out loud to me . We sit together on a couch to do this . I 'm hoping I can make this part of our pattern a few mornings a week . After we finished , we checked on dog / cat , who is still damp . I put him in front of Mom 's little fan so he might dry more quickly . We went to the lounge to watch TV , and there I found Mom 's coloring book and crayons that Patrick bought for her on Friday , the day she tried to escape . I colored a picture and then asked Mom if she wanted to color one . She selected a picture of a cat and drew a smile onto its face . She picked another picture , which had a little cutline that said " Neat and Sweet , " and Mom wrote " Neat " on the little cartoon animal 's face . She flipped to another page and followed an outline of a picture for a brief time . She doesn 't know how to color in a picture in the traditional way . This made me kind of sad . But I also told her she can do anything she waMom likes to give the piano a try . Behind Mom is the small indoor aviary . This is a popular lounge area . It was finally time to take Mom in to lunch . There was a pizza special today for people who paid ahead , which I forgot to do , so Mom was one of the few residents in the dining room . Her roommate also was in the dining room - she usually has a full table , but today Mom was able to sit with her so neither of them had to eat alone . I told the aide I was ready to go , and she and I chatted a little . She said Mom is very sweet to her roommate , and seems concerned about her . I 'm glad she has seen that side of Mom - she has developed into a nurturer of little kids , animals , and , I guess , old and frail people . Mom 's roommate is tiny , and is in a wheelchair . Her husband recently died , and he shared her room with her . She has been lonely and waiting for a roommate , and the staff thought Mom would be a good fit . That warmed my heart , to know that people know Mom well enough to figure out that she can be kind and friendly when she is not afraid or confused . Today 's aide seems to like Mom , and I was glad to leave Mom with her for the day . I 'm going back tonight for a concert ; this facility has a free summer concert series and I 've heard reports that Mom loves it . I think it 's about time that I see one of these shows , and it 's a good way to keep up the visits with Mom as she continues to adjust . And by the time the concert ends , it will be Mom 's bedtime . Filed under : Here and now | Comments ( 8 ) Things went downhill sort of fast after Wednesday , the day Mom started living in the nursing home . Thursday is sort of a blur . My brother arrived Wednesday night . So Jeff , Laura and I went to Mom 's old apartment as early as we could on Thursday to go through things , sorting items to save and items to trash , items that might go to Mom 's new room and items that could be stored in my basement . Laura tackled the closet , bagging up four bags of clothes to donate and one bag that she wanted her daughters to go through just in case they might find something of Grandma 's that they 'd like to keep . Jeff and I worked in the living area . We decided to keep every last photo until we can go through them and divide them up . There were lots of photos , everywhere . We did meet our deadline of 1 p . m . , when a hauler came to take away some of the furniture that wasn 't worth keeping , plus lots of bags of trash . We left behind a few bookshelves , two nightstands and a lamp that we thought another resident might be able to use . Mom 's former bedroom , with two nightstands and a lamp left behind for someone else to use . Some residents arrive at the assisted living facility with very little , so we hope these will be put to use by someone in need . This walk - in closet was a nice feature in Mom 's apartment . Her new closet is tiny . She has so many clothes , but we were able to reduce her wardrobe to a more manageable size . I took Mom to get a haircut in the afternoon . She seemed OK when I took her , in a decent mood , maybe sort of quiet . Not really complaining about the move . We ran into an old friend of Mom 's at the salon . She was getting her nails done by the woman who shares a space with my hair stylist . That was fun , to catch up with her , and for her to see Mom and now know that Mom was making this move . After the cut , Mom and I got burgers at Wendy 's . I took her back to the nursing home and went to my house for a brief rest . I got a call at about 3 : 30 from my sister , saying the facility administrator - actually the administrator for assisted living and assistant administrator for the entire place - had summoned us all to his office . By the time I got over there , he was just finishing up telling Laura and Jeff that Mom had been awake at 4 a . m . , had cut off the security cuff from her ankle , and had headed out an exit door . The door normally would sound an alarm , but without Mom 's cuff , that didn 't happen . A staff member was able to stop her and eventually get her back to bed . But this made Mom an immediate target as a potential flight risk , and the administrator was already talking about the possible need to move her to a secure Alzheimer 's facility . This kind of talk set all of us off . We were all angry that evening while we ate dinner at a restaurant as the family vacation / staycation began . Laura 's daughters arrived from California , and my sister from Cleveland and her husband had arrived . The next morning , I emailed the administrator and asked him to increase Mom 's sleep medicine , Trazodone , to improve chances she would sleep through the night . He consulted the doctor and agreed to that right away , which I took as a good sign . I went to see Mom fairly early . She was wearing a Christmas sweater over her pajama top . I could already tell she was getting some assistance with hygiene and dressing , but this appeared to suggest she might have done some dressing on her own . She was hot , so I encouraged her to change into a new shirt that Laura had bought her during the shopping trip on Wednesday . I left at lunch and as I was driving back to see Mom again , the administrator called to tell me Mom had tried to escape about four times that day . She was agitated . She hit a staff member . I told him I 'd meet him at the nursing station . When I got there , I found Mom in a lounge with a staff member . She hit me when I got there , too . She doesn 't hit hard . But it 's upsetting all the same . The administrator took me into an office and said he wanted a family member to be with Mom through the weekend during the day , and that someone on staff would be assigned as her one - on - one at night . I had experienced something similar when Mom had made her one escape attempt at assisted living . But this time I got more upset , because I felt that she was being unfairly judged as a problem patient before she had any chance to settle in . At about this time , my sister and her daughters arrived , and then my brother and his partner Tom , and then Patrick . And I sat in a chair and cried . I was upset that everyone 's vacation was being ruined . I felt that the facility was turning on Mom . I was tired . I eventually calmed down , and we spent a bunch of time with Mom , looking at pictures and My nieces , Lily and Julia , look over a scrapbook with Mom in a nursing home lounge . Mom tests her new bed . Laura had asked the girls to bring stuffed animals that could play with Mom 's dog / cat , which I thought was sweet and genius . Julia brought Dog and Lily brought Duck . Jeff , Tom and Laura visited with a social worker to talk about Mom 's behavior . The social worker was far more accepting of Mom 's issues , and said they were quite common . That it was way too soon to decide she is destined for a locked ward . That a team would decide this , not just the administrator . That they see this kind of thing all the time . The nursing supervisor assigning the one - on - one 's also was more flexible with expectations of family time , which I appreciated . But we were still on edge . I was supposed to go back to my house with Laura , Jeff , Tom and the girls to help them sort through some jewelry and pick out some items for themselves while Patrick stayed with Mom . But I had a hard time leaving Mom . She was doing fairly well , but I invest so much energy into trying to keep her as happy as she can be , and I felt like I was failing completely . So I just wanted to be with her . Patrick and I stayed with her , sitting over a puzzle for awhile and then sitting with her while she had dinner . She wondered why we weren 't eating . During dinner , Patrick offered Mom 's dog - which she calls a cat - some milk . Mom 's dinner was a barbecue sandwich , onion rings and cooked carrots . Plus chocolate cake . Mom ate the cake first . Finally , we left and met up with everyone at Dad 's , where the family vacation / staycation was in full gear , with everyone present but our baby sister flying in from Oregon . I tried to keep my chin up . Jeff and Laura gave me the day off on Saturday , which was quite nice . I golfed with my little brother and went to a local pool with most of the family . Laura took the morning shift with Mom and Jeff and Tom spent the afternoon with her . For the most part , she did well . Laura sat outside in the courtyard and colored in coloring books with her . Tom and Jeff went to bingo . There were no reports of overnight problems . The family vacationers went to Cirque du Soleil that night - all 16 of us . The day had taken a toll , I think . Jeff was super - stressed and felt like he might be getting sick . Laura was trying to fit in a little fun time for her daughters , taking a late walking tour of the Short North . I was wondering if I would get a decent night 's sleep . Sunday , I took the morning visit . We all broke for brunch and then I went back until about 3 or so , when Jeff and Tom stayed with Mom until she went to dinner . Laura and the girls came to say goodbye before they flew back to California . Laura was troubled , feeling unfinished about Mom . We had a big family seafood dinner at Dad 's . I went to see Mom this morning , and hung out with her for almost two hours . Some staff seemed to think she was doing well . One nurse seems to have a negative attitude about Mom , and it pisses me off . I heard that an aide took Mom over to assisted living for a visit last night , which didn 't turn out so well - that reminded Mom that she had moved against her will , and she repeated some things to staff there that she had said to me : she is not an idiot . She wants to die . Today , the administrator came by as Mom and I were sitting in the courtyard , where I had combed her hair , put lipstick on her and touched up her cheeks with some powder blush . He said he got all good reports about the weekend and that the one - on - one staffing would start to taper off . He and I agreed Mom should not visit assisted living again anytime soon . He acknowledged I will have to return to work . He seemed much more positive . When I left her , Mom was going to have a one - on - one for the rest of the day . The family staycation went to Zoombezi Bay and now are prepping for our last dinner together , a cookout . I am off the rest of the week , and I am going to see if I can work on developing a pattern of visiting that works for Mom and for me . I am starting to feel some relief , and hope that everything will be fine sometime soon . But I know there could be a setback at any time , too . Filed under : Here and now | Comments ( 2 ) I hoped to write about the move as it happened , as in Day 1 and Day 2 . But I was too tired last night to do any writing . And I was still unsure about how to assess how things had gone . For now , I 'm willing to say things have gone better than I expected , but the situation is far from perfect . We started Wednesday slowly . My sister , Laura , had arrived Tuesday evening from the West Coast . I scheduled the day to allow her to sleep in as she adjusts to the Eastern time zone . And also so Patrick could take just an afternoon off to help with some of the heavy lifting . Laura and I shared a bottle of wine Tuesday night , and after I went to bed , I learned later , she opened and started on a second bottle . So on Wednesday morning , she felt a little nauseated . Not tip - top . After some toast and a Frappuccino , she was much better . I felt physically fine , but full of dread in my mind . At around 1 p . m . , we headed over to the assisted living facility . Patrick followed with our truck . After introductions , Laura whisked Mom away for a day of ice cream , driving around and shopping . Patrick and I tackled some of the big stuff in Mom 's apartment . We are keeping an oak dining room table that Mom has had all of our lives in our basement until someone , maybe one of Mom 's granddaughters , can use it . We boxed up some small valuables , like Hummels , some glassware and odds and ends my grandfather had brought home from World War II , to store in our basement until we can divvy up these items . And then we took two cart loads of Mom 's belongings to her new room . We were able to fit a buffet table next to her new dresser , and we put lots of pictures and a clock on the buffet . We hung up pictures of Mom 's three kids , plus a picture of her beloved cat , Petunia . I filled her dresser drawers and her closet with enough clothes to last the rest of her life . Mom had a lot of clothes - we probably donated as many as we kept . We put two chairs into the room , including a nice white wicker chair , but it later had to be removed so Mom 's roommate could negotiate the small room in her wheelchair . That wicker chair is now on my front porch . When Mom and Laura returned from their outing , we showed her the new room . We could almost see the black cloud form over her head . Her face went slack , blank , angry . She didn 't like the room . She didn 't show any interest in it . She objected to the whole thing . We introduced her to Kathryn , her roommate . Kathryn formerly shared the room with her husband , to whom she was married for 76 years before he died . Mom was nice enough to Kathryn . Laura and I explained to her that Mom is not crazy about the move , but that it wasn 't personal . Kathryn , in her very gentle way , let us know that she , too , is experiencing an adjustment . She made a very good point . She is a dear . We took Mom back over to assisted living for dinner , which we were told would be OK . While she was there , she got a dose of her antipsychotic . Laura and I worked for one more hour , bagging trash and collecting some of Mom 's hundreds of photos , until dinner was over . And then we took her back over to her new room . This time , we fiddled with the controls for Mom 's bed , lifting her head so she could easily see her TV . She started lounging , and she was relaxed . " I 'm feeling better , " she said . " I am SO glad about that , " I told her . She ate a few Oreos that we had brought for her . She also ate a chocolate from Kathryn 's end table , which we tried to discourage . We turned " Friends " onto her TV and decided to leave . My dad and his wife were having us over for dinner so we could not have to do one more thing after the move . And that was great , to drink a tall glass of water , eat a dinner of summer salads , and then crack open a beer after a busy day . That was Day 1 of Mom 's move . Filed under : Here and now | Comments ( 8 ) I visited Mom briefly on Thursday , right before dinner . She was sitting in the lobby by herself . Most residents had already gone into the dining room . The facility administrator had recommended that I ease her into the information about moving . We were chatting , and I casually told Mom she 'd be moving soon to a new room in the same building . " Oh " was all she said . She was pretty cheerful . A little bit flat . I liked this nonreaction she was having . I didn 't go back until today , Sunday . I visited after lunch . When I got there , Ginny and Alice were in the lobby , but Mom wasn 't there . They didn 't recall seeing her at lunch . They assumed she was asleep . Sure enough , I found Mom on her bed , lying on her side with a yellow throw over her , the other side of the bed covered with clothes . A box on the floor by the bed had been emptied of some of its contents , mostly puzzle pieces and pictures . Mom woke up with a start , but was quick to get out of bed and ask me what we were going to do . I asked her if she had eaten lunch and then gone to sleep . " Well , you know , I just don 't remember , " she said . She was in a pretty good mood . I changed her clothes for her , put some deodorant on her . " Do I stink ? " she said . She didn 't , in fact . I just thought it was a good idea to freshen her a tad . I told her again that she was going to be moving soon in the same building , and that Laura and Jeff were coming to help with the move . " That sounds fun , " she said . She needed reminders about who they were . Then she said " I 'll get to see all my relatives . " Yet another good reaction . I asked her if she wanted to go see her new room and she said yes . We took the elevator to the second floor and walked down the main hall that leads to the care center - what this place calls its nursing home . On the way , Mom said she had to poop . So we turned around and headed back toward a public restroom . Though there were two other women in the bathroom , Mom left her stall door open . The older of the other women in there did , too , because she had a walker , which kept the door propped open . They carried on a conversation about an upcoming bingo game . Once that was done , we headed back toward the care center , then to the right , and then to the left down the hall to Mom 's new room . It turns out 237 , the one I had selected , is not available after all , nor is the other room that was going to be empty . Both are going to be occupied by residents who are going to be displaced by a renI told Mom these rooms are smaller , and that she won 't have as much furniture . But that all she 'll need to do is sleep in there , and otherwise she can do what she does now : visit with her friends in the lobby of the assisted living building . The administrator said that would be fine . I think she 'll even be able to eat over there . I told her we 'd be putting her belongings in the new room for her . She no longer seemed to think it would be fun . She looked around as we walked the halls on our way back to assisted living and said , " Is everyone here sick ? " I said no , some might be sick , some might be in wheelchairs , some might just need extra help . I told her the doctor wanted her to live on this side so she 'd be safer , with more staff around . That 's my story and I 'm sticking to it . She seemed to be getting increasingly fretful . We returned to the assisted living lobby , which was empty except for one woman who was sleeping in a chair . Mom and I sat on the couch . She was not happy . She began to speak in full sentences , to be very expressive of her dissatisfaction with this new arrangement . " I never imagined this would happen to me , " she said . I said the same thing over and over , that her days will be pretty much the same , that she 'll sleep in a room with a roommate , and then wake up and spend her days again the way she always has . " This is an embarrassment to me , " she said . I told her I didn 't see any reason to be embarrassed . She gave me a look of disdain as if to say - that that is easy for me to say . She said , " I don 't want to spend all day in a bed . " I told her she certainly will not be bound to the bed at all during the day . She did not like the small size of the bed , and she said she hasn 't had a small bed like that in her whole life . I told her it 's kind of like dormitory living in college , where your room just has the essentials and you spend the rest of your time somewhere else . " I wish I had more information , " she said . " I don 't want to live in a hospital . " She was upset I hadn 't told her sooner , though I 'm glad I did not . Two aides came by and asked what we were talking about , and I told them Mom would be moving to the care center . One said , " Really ? Why ? I didn 't think she 'd need to go over there . She 's not that much trouble . " I felt like kicking her . I tried to mouth the word " money " but said out loud that doctor 's orders are that she needs a safer environment . The two aides came up to Mom and rubbed her arm and told her it would be OK , that they would come get her and bring her over to assisted living each day . I was grateful for that . Mom could not be cheered up . At about this time , three of her friends showed up , including a woman who also has dementia , and who has become so much trouble that she is moving back to New York state to a nursing home . She is a wanderer , I 'm told . Funny , though , I think she does better at chatting than Mom does . But I haven 't spent any real time with her for a long time . Mom was asking me why she 's the only one who has to move , that her friends are able to stay where they are . What is it about her that is so different , she asked . I told her friends what we were discussing , that she 'd be moving to the care center but would still spend her days in assisted living , hanging out . They were very supportive . One said , " We 're all in the same boat . Our bodies might change , or something else might get worse . " She tried to convince Mom it 's not a big deal . I did not like it one bit that Mom was so able to articulate her questions and concerns . It 's as if this intensely negative experience was bringing out the best in her ability to function , which is just plain bizarre . She was reminding me of the Mom of several years ago , very negative and suspicious and assuming the worst . She had this same reaction when she moved to assisted living . She said she was moving to a cave . She made fun of the physical disabilities of all the people around her . She felt way too normal for the environment . But she really adjusted pretty quickly . Despite this reaction now , I have every confidence that Mom won 't remember for long that she has moved and her new living conditions will become the norm for her . But even knowing that doesn 't make me feel much better about the prospects of her fretting and complaining and asking ' why me ? ' for the next week and who knows how much longer , until she develops new habits . It 's not just inconvenient for me - it hurts me to my bones to have her feel this way . These emotions she is having are the very emotions I am hell bent to prevent . And I just can 't right now . She is already taking a medicine to calm her . « Older Entries

All tales are the results of many wide searches of the net and various local libraries . There is no intent to violate any copyright laws . If you feel that any offering is improper please let me know . An old couple was childless , and the husband and the wife longed for a child . So when the wife found that she was with child , they were overjoyed ; but to their great disappointment , the wife gave birth not to a human child , but to a little she - frog . However , as the little frog spoke and behaved as a human child , not only the parents but also the neighbors came to love her and called her affectionately " Little Miss Frog . " Some years later the woman died , and the man decided to marry again . The woman he chose was a widow with two ugly daughters , and they were very jealous of Little Miss Frog 's popularity with the neighbors . All three took a delight in ill - treating Little Miss Frog . One day the youngest of the king 's four sons announced that he would perform the hair - washing ceremony on a certain date , and he invited all young ladies to join in the ceremony , as he would choose at the end of the ceremony one of them to be his princess . On the morning of the appointed day the two ugly sisters dressed themselves in fine raiment , and with great hopes of being chosen by the prince they started for the palace . Little Miss Frog ran after them , and pleaded , ' sisters , please let me come with you . " The sisters laughed and said mockingly , " What , the little frog wants to come ? The invitation is to young ladies and not to young frogs . " Little Miss Frog walked along with them towards the palace , pleading for permission to come . But the sisters were adamant , and so at the palace gates she was left behind . However , she spoke so sweetly to the guards that they allowed her to go in . Little Miss Frog found hundreds of young ladies gathered round the pool full of lilies in the palace grounds . And she took her place among them and waited for the prince . The prince now appeared , and washed his hair in the pool . The ladies also let down their hair and joined in the ceremony . At the end of the ceremony , the prince declared that as the ladies were all beautiful , he did not know whom to choose and so he would throw a posy of jasmines into the air ; and the lady on whose head the posy fell would be his princess . The prince then threw the posy into the air , and all the ladies present looked up expectantly . The posy , however , fell on Little Miss Frog 's head , to the great annoyance of the ladies , especially the two stepsisters . The prince also was disappointed , but he felt that he should keep his word . So Little Miss Frog was married to the prince , and she became Little Princess Frog . Some time later , the old king called his four sons to him and said , " My sons , I am now too old to rule the country , and I want to retire to the forest and become a hermit . So I must appoint one of you as my successor . As I love you all alike , I will give you a task to perform , and he who performs it successfully shall be king in my place . The task is , bring me a golden deer at sunrise on the seventh day from now . " The youngest prince went home to Little Princess Frog and told her about the task . " What , only a golden deer ! " exclaimed Princess Frog . " Eat as usual my prince , and on the appointed day I will give you the golden deer . " So the youngest prince stayed at home , while the three elder princes went into the forest in search of the deer . On the seventh day before sunrise , Little Princess Frog woke up her husband and said , " Go to the palace , prince , and here is your golden deer . " The young prince looked , then rubbed his eyes , and looked again . There was no mistake about it ; the deer which Little Princess Frog was holding by a lead was really of pure gold . So he went to the palace , and to the great annoyance of the elder princes who brought ordinary deers , he was declared to be the heir by the king . The elder princes , however , pleaded for a second chance , and the king reluctantly agreed . " Then perform this second task , " said the king . " On the seventh day from now at sunrise , you must bring me the rice that never becomes stale , and meat that is ever fresh . " The youngest prince went home and told Princess Frog about the new task . " Don " t you worry , sweet prince , " said Princess Frog . " Eat as usual , sleep as usual , and on the appointed day I will give you the rice and meat . " So the youngest prince stayed at home , while the three elder princes went in search of the rice and meat . On the seventh day at sunrise , Little Princess Frog woke up her husband and said , " My lord , go to the palace now , and here is your rice and meat . " The youngest prince took the rice and meat , and went to the palace , and to the great annoyance of the elder princes who brought only well - cooked rice and meat , he was again declared to be the heir . But the two elder princes again pleaded for one more chance , and the king said , " This is positively the last task . On the seventh day from now at sunrise , bring me the most beautiful woman on this earth . " " Ho , ho ! " said the three elder princes to themselves in great joy . " Our wives are very beautiful , and we will bring them . One of us is sure to be declared heir , and our good - for - nothing brother will be nowhere this time . " The youngest prince overheard their remark , and felt sad , for his wife was a frog and ugly . " Don " t you fret , my prince , " replied Princess Frog . " Eat as usual , sleep as usual , and you can take me to the palace on the appointed day . Surely I shall be declared to be the most beautiful woman . " The prince thought to himself , " Perhaps , just as she was able to obtain the golden deer and the wonderful rice and meat , she is able to make herself beautiful , " and he expectantly opened the door . But he was disappointed to see Little Princess Frog still a frog and as ugly as ever . However , so as not to hurt her feelings , the prince said nothing and took her along to the palace . When the prince entered the audience chamber with his frog princess the three elder princes with their wives were already there . The king looked at the prince in surprise and said , " Where is your beautiful maiden ? " " I will answer for the prince , my king , " said the frog princess . " I am his beautiful maiden . " She then took off her frog skin and stood a beautiful maiden dressed in silk and satin . The king declared her to be the most beautiful maiden in the world , and selected the prince as his successor on the throne . The prince asked his princess never to put on the ugly frog skin again , and the frog princess , to accede to his request , threw the skin on the fire . Now it so happened that on one occasion the princess 's golden ball did not fall into the little hand which she was holding up for it , but on to the ground beyond , and rolled straight into the water . The king 's daughter followed it with her eyes , but it vanished , and the well was deep , so deep that the bottom could not be seen . At this she began to cry , and cried louder and louder , and could not be comforted . " Oh yes , " said she , " I promise you all you wish , if you will but bring me my ball back again . " But she thought , " How the silly frog does talk . All he does is to sit in the water with the other frogs , and croak . He can be no companion to any human being . " The king 's daughter was delighted to see her pretty plaything once more , and picked it up , and ran away with it . " Wait , wait , " said the frog . " Take me with you . I can " t run as you can . " But what did it avail him to scream his croak , croak , after her , as loudly as he could . She did not listen to it , but ran home and soon forgot the poor frog , who was forced to go back into his well again . " Ah , no , " replied she . " It is no giant but a disgusting frog . Yesterday as I was in the forest sitting by the well , playing , my golden ball fell into the water . And because I cried so , the frog brought it out again for me , and because he so insisted , I promised him he should be my companion , but I never thought he would be able to come out of his water . And now he is outside there , and wants to come in to me . " She delayed , until at last the king commanded her to do it . Once the frog was on the chair he wanted to be on the table , and when he was on the table he said , " Now , push your little golden plate nearer to me that we may eat together . " She did this , but it was easy to see that she did not do it willingly . The frog enjoyed what he ate , but almost every mouthful she took choked her . The king 's daughter began to cry , for she was afraid of the cold frog which she did not like to touch , and which was now to sleep in her pretty , clean little bed . But the king grew angry and said , " He who helped you when you were in trouble ought not afterwards to be despised by you . " So she took hold of the frog with two fingers , carried him upstairs , and put him in a corner , but when she was in bed he crept to her and said , " I am tired , I want to sleep as well as you , lift me up or I will tell your father . " At this she was terribly angry , and took him up and threw him with all her might against the wall . " Now , will you be quiet , odious frog , " said she . But when he fell down he was no frog but a king 's son with kind and beautiful eyes . He by her father 's will was now her dear companion and husband . Then he told her how he had been bewitched by a wicked witch , and how no one could have delivered him from the well but herself , and that to - morrow they would go together into his kingdom . Faithful Henry had been so unhappy when his master was changed into a frog , that he had caused three iron bands to be laid round his heart , lest it should burst with grief and sadness . The carriage was to conduct the young king into his kingdom . Faithful Henry helped them both in , and placed himself behind again , and was full of joy because of this deliverance . And when they had driven a part of the way the king 's son heard a cracking behind him as if something had broken . So he turned round and cried , " Henry , the carriage is breaking . " " No , master , it is not the carriage . It is a band from my heart , which was put there in my great pain when you were a frog and imprisoned in the well . " Once upon a time there was a merchant who had three daughters , but his wife was with God . Once he planned a journey across the ocean to a foreign land in order to bring back gold and other valuable things . He consoled his weeping children , saying , " I will bring back something beautiful for you . What do you want ? " After arriving in the foreign land , he ordered the dress of three kinds of silk for his oldest daughter and the hat with three kinds of feathers for the second one . Both were soon finished , and of seldom splendor . Then he sent messengers throughout the entire country to seek a three - colored rose for his youngest and dearest daughter , but they all returned empty handed , even though the merchant had promised a high price , and even though there were more roses there than there are daisies here . Sadly he set off for home and was downhearted the entire voyage . This side of the ocean he came to a large garden in which there was nothing but roses and roses . He went inside and looked , and behold , on a slender bush in the middle of the garden there was a three - colored rose . Filled with joy , he plucked it , and was about to leave , when he was magically frozen in place . A voice behind him cried out , " What do you want in my garden ? " He looked up . A large frog was sitting there on the bank of a clear pond staring at him with its goggle - eyes . It said , " You have broken my dear rose . This will cost you your life unless you give me your youngest daughter to wife . " The merchant was terrified . He begged and he pleaded , but all to no avail , and in the end he had to agree to marry his dearest daughter to the ugly frog . He could now move his feet , and he freely walked out of the garden . The frog called out after him , " In seven days I shall come for my wife ! " With great sorrow the merchant gave his youngest daughter the fresh rose and told her what had happened . When the terrible day arrived , she crept under her bed , for she did not at all want to go . At the hour of noon a stately carriage drove up . The frog sent his servants into the house , and they immediately went to the bedroom and dragged the screaming maiden from beneath her bed , then carried her to the carriage . The horses leaped forward , and a short time later they were in the blossoming rose garden . In the middle of the garden , immediately behind the clear pond , there stood a small house . They took the bride into the house and laid her on a soft bed . The frog , however , sprang into the water . Darkness fell , and after the maiden had awakened from her unconsciousness , she heard the frog outside singing wonderfully sweet melodies . As midnight approached , he sang ever more sweetly , and came closer and closer to her . At midnight the bedroom door opened , and the frog jumped onto her bed . However , he had touched her with his sweet songs , and she took him into bed with her and warmly covered him up . ONCE upon a time there was a woman who had three sons . Though they were peasants they were well off , for the soil on which they lived was fruitful , and yielded rich crops . One day they all three told their mother they meant to get married . To which their mother replied : " Do as you like , but see that you choose good housewives , who will look carefully after your affairs ; and , to make certain of this , take with you these three skeins of flax , and give it to them to spin . Whoever spins the best will be my favourite daughter - in - law . " Now the two eldest sons had already chosen their wives ; so they took the flax from their mother , and carried it off with them , to have it spun as she had said . But the youngest son was puzzled what to do with his skein , as he knew no girl ( never having spoken to any ) to whom he could give it to be spun . He wandered hither and thither , asking the girls that he met if they would undertake the task for him , but at the sight of the flax they laughed in his face and mocked at him . Then in despair he left their villages , and went out into the country , and , seating himself on the bank of a pond began to cry bitterly . Suddenly there was a noise close beside him , and a frog jumped out of the water on to the bank and asked him why he was crying . The youth told her of his trouble , and how his brothers would bring home linen spun for them by their promised wives , but that no one would spin his thread . Then the frog answered : " Do not weep on that account ; give me the thread , and I will spin it for you . " And , having said this , she took it out of his hand , and flopped back into the water , and the youth went back , not knowing what would happen next . In a short time the two elder brothers came home , and their mother asked to see the linen which had been woven out of the skeins of flax she had given them . They all three left the room ; and in a few minutes the two eldest returned , bringing with them the linen that had been spun by their chosen wives . But the youngest brother was greatly troubled , for he had nothing to show for the skein of flax that had been given to him . Sadly he betook himself to the pond , and sitting down on the bank , began to weep . Then she turned to her sons and said : " But this is not enough , my sons , I must have another proof as to what sort of wives you have chosen . In the house there are three puppies . Each of you take one , and give it to the woman whom you mean to bring home as your wife . She must train it and bring it up . Whichever dog turns out the best , its mistress will be my favourite daughter - in - law . " Flop ! and close beside him , he saw the frog . " Why are you weeping ? " she said . Then he told her his difficulty , and that he did not know to whom he should take the puppy . The youngest son , as was his custom , went to the pond , and called on the frog to come to his rescue . In a minute she was at his side , bringing with her the most lovely little dog , which she put into his arms . It sat up and begged with its paws , and went through the prettiest tricks , and was almost human in the way it understood and did what it was told . In high spirits the youth carried it off to his mother . As soon as she saw it , she exclaimed : " This is the most beautiful little dog I have ever seen . You are indeed fortunate , my son ; you have won a pearl of a wife . " You may imagine what the youngest brother felt on hearing these words . Whence was he to fetch a bride ? Would the frog be able to help him in this new difficulty ? With bowed head , and feeling very sad , he sat down on the edge of the pond . As they drove along the road they met three witches ; the first of them was blind , the second was hunchbacked , and the third had a large thorn in her throat . When the three witches beheld the chariot , with the frog seated pompously among the cushions , they broke into such fits of laughter that the eyelids of the blind one burst open , and she recovered her sight ; the hunchback rolled about on the ground in merriment till her back became straight , and in a roar of laughter the thorn fell out of the throat of the third witch . Their first thought was to reward the frog , who had unconsciously been the means of curing them of their misfortunes . The first witch waved her magic wand over the frog , and changed her into the loveliest girl that had ever been seen . The second witch waved the wand over the tiny chariot and ponies , and they were turned into a beautiful large carriage with prancing horses , and a coachman on the seat . The third witch gave the girl a magic purse , filled with money . Having done this , the witches disappeared , and the youth with his lovely bride drove to his mother 's home . Great was the delight of the mother at her youngest son 's good fortune . A beautiful house was built for them ; she was the favourite daughter - in - law ; everything went well with them , and they lived happily ever after . So one fine morning in the spring they both set out along the road that led from Kioto to Osaka , one from one end and the other from the other . The journey was more tiring than they expected , for they did not know much about travelling , and half way between the two towns there arose a mountain which had to be climbed . It took them a long time and a great many hops to reach the top , but there they were at last , and what was the surprise of each to see another frog before him ! They looked at each other for a moment without speaking , and then fell into conversation , explaining the cause of their meeting so far from their homes . It was delightful to find that they both felt the same wish - - to learn a little more of their native country - - and as there was no sort of hurry they stretched themselves out in a cool , damp place , and agreed that they would have a good rest before they parted to go their ways . This idea pleased the Osaka frog so much that he at once jumped up and put his front paws on the shoulders of his friend , who had risen also . There they both stood , stretching themselves as high as they could , and holding each other tightly , so that they might not fall down . The Kioto frog turned his nose towards Osaka , and the Osaka frog turned his nose towards Kioto ; but the foolish things forgot that when they stood up their great eyes lay in the backs of their heads , and that though their noses might point to the places to which they wanted to go their eyes beheld the places from which they had come . In the heart of the woods there lay a cool , green pond . The shores of the pond were set with ranks of tall bulrushes that waved crisply in the wind , and in the shallow bays there were fleets of broad water lily leaves . Among the rushes and reeds and in the quiet water there dwelt a large tribe of Frogs . On every warm night of spring , the voices of the Frogs arose in a cheerful chorus . Some voices were low and deep - - - these were the oldest and wisest of the Frogs ; at least , they were old enough to have learned wisdom . Some were high and shrill , and these were the voices of the little Frogs who did not like to be reminded of the days when they had tails and no legs . Now a long - legged white Crane was standing near by , well hidden by the coarse grass that grew at the water 's edge . He was very hungry that evening , and when he heard the deep voice of the first Bullfrog he stepped briskly up to him and made a quick pass under the broad leaf with his long , cruel bill . The old Frog gave a frightened croak , and kicked violently in his efforts to get away , while over the quiet pond , splash ! splash ! went the startled little Frogs into deep water . The Crane almost had him , when something cold and slimy wound itself about one of his legs . He drew back for a second , and the Frog got safely away ! But the Crane did not lose his dinner after all , for about his leg was curled a large black water snake , and that made a fair meal . Just as he had the Frog by one hind leg , the Crane saw something that made him let go , flap his broad wings and fly awkwardly away to the furthest shore . It was a mink , with his slender brown body and wicked eyes , and he had crept very close to the Crane , hoping to seize him at his meal ! So the second Frog got away too ; but he was so dreadfully frightened that he never spoke again . The Crane stood not far from the boaster , and he determined to silence him once for all . The next time he began to speak , he had barely said " Kerrump ! " whe the Crane had him by the leg . He croaked and struggled in vain , and in another moment he would have gone down the Crane 's long throat . But just then a Fox crept up behind the Crane and seized him ! The Crane let go the Frog and was carried off screaming into the woods for the Fox 's supper . So the third Frog got away ; but he was badly lamed by the Crane 's strong bill , and he never dared to open his mouth again . " Pooh , child , " said the old Frog , " that was only Farmer White 's Ox . He is not so very big . I could easily make myself as big as he . " And he blew , and he blew , and he blew , and swelled himself out . Once upon a time there lived a very poor couple . A baby was on the way when the husband was forced to leave his home to find a living somewhere far away . Before he left , he embraced his wife fondly and gave her the last few silver pieces he had , saying , " When the child is born , be it a boy or a girl , you must do all you can to bring it up . You and I are so poor that there is no hope for us now . But our child may be able to help us find a living . " The poor mother was heart - broken , and wept bitterly . " Ah , an animal , not a child ! " she cried . " Our hopes for someone to care for us in our old age are gone ! How can I ever face people again ! " She thought at first she would do away with him , but she did not have the heart to do so . She wanted to bring him up , but was afraid of what the neighbors would say . As she brooded over the matter , she remembered her husband 's words before he went away , and she decided not to kill the child but always keep him hidden under the bed . In this way , no one knew she had given birth to a frog - child . But within two months , the frog - child had grown so big that he could no longer be kept under the bed . And one day , he suddenly spoke in a human voice . " Mother , " he said , " my father is coming back tonight . I am going to wait for him beside the road . " And sure enough , the husband did come home that very night . " No ! I saw no sign of anyone , " her husband answered , surprised . " All I saw was an awful frog which gave me such a fright . " " What do you mean , tell him to meet you ? He went without any telling from me . He suddenly said you were coming tonight and went out to meet you . " " Our country is in great peril , " he said solemnly . " We are unable to resist the invaders . I want Father to take me to the emperor , for I must save our country . " " How can that be ? " said the father . " Firstly , you have no horse . Secondly , you have no weapons , and thirdly , you have never been on a battlefield . How , then , do you propose to fight ? " " The imperial capital is in danger . My country has been invaded . We are willing to marry our daughter to the man who can drive away the enemy . " The frog tore down the decree and with one gulp swallowed it . The soldier guarding the imperial decree was greatly alarmed . He could hardly imagine a frog accepting such a responsible duty . However , since the frog had swallowed the decree , he must be taken into the palace . The emperor asked the frog if he had the means and ability to defeat the enemy . The frog replied , " Yes , Lord . " Then the emperor asked him how many men and horses he would need . The emperor immediately commanded that a heap of hot , glowing embers be brought , and it was done . The heat was intense . The frog sat before the fire devouring the flames by the mouthful for three days and three nights . He ate till his belly was as big and round as a bladder full of fat . By now the city was in great danger , for the enemy was already at the walls . The emperor was terribly apprehensive , but the frog behaved as if nothing unusual was happening , and calmly went on swallowing fire and flame . Only after the third day had passed did he go to the top of the city wall and look at the situation . There , ringing the city , were thousands of soldiers and horses , as far as the eye could see . As soon as the gate was open , the invaders poured in . The frog was above them in the gate tower and , as they passed underneath , he coolly and calmly spat fire down on them , searing countless men and horses . They fled back in disorder . The emperor was overjoyed when he saw that the enemy was defeated . He made the frog a general and ordered that the victory should be celebrated for several days . But of the princess he said nothing , for he had not the slightest intention of letting his daughter marry a frog . " Of course I cannot do such a thing ! " he said to himself . Instead , he let it be known that it was the princess who refused . She must marry someone else , but whom ? He did not know what to do . Anyone but a frog ! Finally he ordained that her marriage should be decided by casting the Embroidered Ball . Casting the Embroidered Ball ! The news spread immediately throughout the whole country and within a few days the city was in a turmoil . Men from far and wide came to try their luck , and all manner of people flocked to the capital . The day came . The frog was present . He did not push his way into the mob but stood at the very edge of the crowded square . The moment arrived . The princess tossed the Embroidered Ball into the air , and down it gently floated . The masses in the square surged and roared like a raging sea . As one and all stretched eager hands to clutch the ball , the frog drew in a mighty breath and , like a whirling tornado , sucked the ball straight to him . " Ah , Sire , " replied the frog , " this outer garment is priceless . When I wear it in winter , I am warm and cozy ; and in summer , cool and fresh . It is proof against wind and rain . Not even the fiercest flame can set it alight . And as long as I wear it , I can live for thousands of years . " The emperor smiled gleefully . He took off his dragon - embroidered robe and put on the frog - skin . But then he could not take it off again ! Have you not heard of the frog that lived in a shallow well ? It said to a turtle that lived in the East Sea , " I am so happy ! When I go out , I jump about on the railing beside the mouth of the well . When I come home , I rest in the holes on the broken wall of the well . If I jump into the water , it comes up to my armpits and holds up my cheeks . If I walk in the mud , it covers up my feet . I look around at the wriggly worms , crabs and tadpoles , and none of them can compare with me . Moreover , I am lord of this trough of water and I stand up tall in this shallow well . My happiness is full . My dear sir , why don 't you come often and look around my place ? " Before the turtle from the East Sea could get its left foot in the well , its right knee got stuck . It hesitated and retreated . The turtle told the frog about the East Sea . " Even a distance of a thousand li cannot give you an idea of the sea 's width ; even a height of a thousand ren cannot give you an idea of its depth . In the time of King Yu of the Xia dynasty , there were floods nine years out of ten , but the waters in the sea did not increase . ln the time of King Tang of the Shang dynasty there were droughts seven years out of eight , but the waters in the sea did not decrease . The sea does not change along with the passage of time and its level does not rise or fall according to the amount of rain that falls . The greatest happiness is to live in the East Sea . " Once , long ago , the days and nights were of varying lengths . Brother Sun made some of the days very long and the following nights could also be very long . Many of the animals did not like this . They wished the days were more regulated and even , as they are now . The animals got together and formed a committee to ask Brother Sun to better regulate the day length . There were many animals on the committee but two of the notable ones were Frog and Grizzly Bear . They were the two chosen by the rest of the committee to survey the rest of the animals . Grizzly wanted one long day and one long night . He ate all day and slept all night . Long days and nights seemed very logical to him . Frog , on the other hand , wanted shorter days and nights . Frog did not live very long and he wanted his rest and feeding time to be spread out so he could enjoy them . Grizzly was a big bully of a bear . He sauntered around , speaking to each of the animals about the length of the days and the nights . Because he was a bully , he growled to each animal " SIX MONTHS DAY AND SIX MONTHS NIGHT , " showing his big teeth and long claws . He growled to Fox , " SIX MONTHS DAY AND SIX MONTHS NIGHT . " Grizzly growled to Owl , " SIX MONTH ' S DAY AND SIX MONTHS NIGHT . " He saw Fish , " SIX MONTHS DAY AND SIX MONTHS NIGHT . " After every animal was talked to , Grizzly wandered off to a den and took a long nap . Frog , on the other hand , was a sociable sort of fellow . He hopped from place to place , listening to what the animals had to say . It didn 't matter to Fish what the day length was . Swimming could be done at night a well as during the day . Fox preferred dawn and dusk and wanted many of those at fairly regular intervals . Owl , on the other hand , liked to hunt at night but enjoyed sleeping during the day . Periods of six months of day and six months of night were too long for Owl . After listening to all of the animals , Frog returned to the committee to report . After Frog 's report , the committee looked around for Grizzly . Grizzly , being a big bully , was sure that the rest of the animals would vote his way and did not bother to wake up from his long nap to return to the committee to report . The committee weighed all the possibilities and choices , taking into consideration the opinions of all the animals surveyed . They voted . Eagle was sent to tell Brother Sun of their decision . Brother Sun agreed that their choice was possible and he changed the day length to be what we know today . The days in winter were to be short and progress to being longer until midsummer when they were again begin to shorten . The nights were to be just the opposite , going from long in winter to short in summer . Frog was so happy about his part in the decision that he hopped from place to place , croaking , in a chirpy little voice , " One day , one night . One day , one night . " He was so proud of himself and his descendants are also proud . In fact , if you listen quietly just shortly after the sun sets , you may hear the frogs still croaking , " One day , one night . One day , one night . One day , one night . One day , one night . " By Shoshone Woman A . k . a . Darla Lee Moore Once a long long time ago , in a time before humans were the most mportant people on the world , there was a time when the world was peopled mostly by frogs . There were many lakes , ponds , creeks , and rivers for the little frogs to live in . There were all kinds of frogs . There were big frogs , and little frogs , there were smooth frogs , and warty frogs , but they all had something in common . They all were some shade of green , and the all could sing and swim very well . Everything was going along quite swimmingly , when one day The Great Mystery , ( whom some call Grandfather and some call God ) did a very mysterious thing . He created a Little Blue Frog . No one knows why the Great Mystery did that , but the Great Mystery usually has good reasons for the things that he does . This little blue frog had a very hard life . Being blue wasn 't his only disability . It seems that not only was he blue , but he didn 't have webbed feet and he couldn 't swim very well . His toes instead of being webbed , were more like hands with long fingers and with soft sticky palms . Living with all the green frogs was very hard for him . You see , these green frogs were very unfriendly and impolite , they just couldn 't help but make rude jokes about the blue frog . They called him rude names and were very mean to him . Sometimes , they would even shove him into the water , and push his little blue head under the water just to see him sputter . The other green frogs would often point and sing " Blue Frog , Blue frog . " The Little Blue Frog lived through the summer with the best attitude he could muster . In spite of being blue , he was quite congenial and optimistic . He tried to make the best of his life , such as it was . He spent long hours hiding in the weeds , and watching the other frogs swim . He thought that swimming looked like a lot of fun , yet he somehow knew that it wasn 't the thing for himself . He loved sitting on lily pads in the afternoon sun . Lots of big green flies would fly about , and he just loved eating big green flies . Even though he was blue , he lived his life very much as all the green frogs , excepting that he couldn 't swim very well . Even back in those days so long ago , frogs lived very much the same as they do today . So , in the fall came the time when most frogs dig deep down into the mud at the bottom of the pond and go to sleep for the winter . The Little Blue Frog also dug down into the mud and went to sleep as well . The winter lasted for a long , long time . It was very cold and all the grass and lily pads died . All the leaves fell from the trees and all the other creatures had to hide in their burrows to stay warm . All the water in the lakes and ponds froze up . The wind blew snow out across the ice , and it made a lonely whooshing sound . The frogs didn 't know about this , as they were sleeping the whole winter away down deep in the mud at the bottom of the ponds . After a long while the days begin to get longer and longer . Spring was on its way . The air began to get warmer , and soon the ice and snow began to melt . Very soon the trees started to bud new leaves , and the grass began to grow again . In a little while the bugs came out and began to fly about , and the lily leaves were once more growing in the ponds and lakes . It was then that the frogs woke up and dug their way out of the mud and swam to the edges of the ponds . Just as they do to this very day . After they made their way to the edges of the ponds , They began to gather into groups and began to sing . The singing sounded very nice , and soon a lot of young frogs were gathering together , and the spring courting had begun . The singing is a very important part of this courting , because everyone knows that the best singers make the best husbands . As they were singing , that afternoon , something very mysterious happened . They began to hear beautiful music coming from somewhere near the pond . Where could this beautiful voice be singing from ? The green frogs each took turns singing by themselves to see if this beautiful music might be coming from one of them . Well , it wasn 't one of them . They were quiet for a while , and then they heard the beautiful song again . This time they sent out a search party to find this frog with the beautiful voice . To heir great surprise , they found that it was the Little Blue Frog singing from the weeds . They were just about to ask him to join them for the evening concert , when they heard the voice of the Great Mystery , " Listen to me green frogs . I have sent the Little Blue Frog among you as a lesson . You treated him badly just because he is a little different from you . You didn 't even give him a chance to show you his great talent . You shunned him based only on his color and ability to swim . I am very ashamed of the way you have behaved . Because you have treated him so badly , I will give him a gift that none of you shall ever have . " Then to the Little Blue Frog he said , " You have handled being treated badly quite well , and I am proud of you . You will always have your beautiful voice and bright blue color . Now I want to tell you a secret . You can 't swim very well because you are a special frog . You were never meant to swim . Look at your toes . They are different for a reason . You are , my child , a tree frog . I created you with sticky toes so that you can climb into the trees high enough so that everyone can hear your beautiful voice . " Once upon a time , long ago , all the animals of the forest were friends , and closest of all were elegant grasshopper and handsome green toad . They loved and admired each other . Toad especially loved grasshopper 's beautiful colors - - his cape of many colors , his stripes and swirls . And grasshopper was very impressed by toad 's flat body and the way he could spend most of his time in the water , with only his eyes and nose sticking out . They shared other traits too - - they both were fun - loving and energetic , and sometimes when toad called out to his friends , he sounded almost exactly like cricket sounded when he rubbed his legs together . Toad was overjoyed , and so he hopped along , looking for his friend . When he found grasshopper dozing , he woke him up and said excitedly , " Come to supper tonight , grasshopper - - you and your wife . Please , my wife and I invite you to join us . " " Of course , " toad said , and he hopped outside and washed his feet . Then he hopped back inside to join the feast . He was just about to reach for the platters when grasshopper cried , " Toad , please ! Don 't put your dirty feet into the food . Look at the mud ! Please , go wash . " " Now look here , " said toad , " this is ridiculous . You 're trying to embarrass me . You know very well that I must use my feet to hop about , and if they get dirty between the water jar and the food , there 's nothing that I can do to fix that ! "

We had flown for two days - Tom and I alternating between sleep and awake . Lack of proper sleep was a type of torture I had never endured until now . By the time we started to descend , the sun was barely peeking behind the mountains . I had let Hoot out of his cage to fly with us occasionally but now he was fast asleep in his cage . By our trajectory and judging by the landscape we had covered these past days , we were in southern Europe , near the Mediterranean Sea . From up in the clouds I could drink in the lush landscape . The sea was a breathtaking blue - green , nothing like England 's water , and I could see the white foam crash up on the rocky , raggedy cliffs . Upon the plateau were fields of green , breaking apart the forest . The dark green forest covered the mountain range like a warm blanket . Farther south of the plateau was a small creek that snaked down towards the ocean . But I could not see the whole land as there was an ocean of morning fog covering much of the ground . As we flew closer , I could make out a cabin near the edge of one of the cliffs on an open flat land . Finally , we touched solid ground . I fell into the dewy grass , thankful for a foundation that I could rest upon . If it had been my decision , I would have fall asleep right then and there . But it was not my decision . Even though I knew from the moment I saw the house that this was where we were going to stay , hearing the words come from his mouth made it suddenly unreal . " So we … we are going to be living together ? " I said while I woke up the owl from his sleep . He fluttered his eyes yet did not seem pleased with the new area . I left the cage open ; he would wake up when he wanted to . He squinted as the sun rose above than the mountain tops and into his eyes . His mouth scowled , " Do you believe acting naive has a positive effect on me ? It has rather the opposite . Of course we are going to be living together . Do me a kind favor of shutting your mouth when you have a stupid question . Otherwise our time here will be shorter than you desire . " The bite in his speech led me to believe he was as tired as I . My head hung low as I took his words to heart . I suppose I had better get used to his attitude if I was to make this place our home . Our home . I had to let those words sink in . Tom Marvolo Riddle and I are sharing a home , with no one else to bother us . Five years ago , I would have given anything and everything I had to live with Tom . Now I can , and he doesn 't have to hide his feelings and neither do I . Suddenly , I beamed with happiness upon the realization of our secluded situation . He indicated that we should walk closer to the cabin , which was looking more and more like a shack . It was a typical square house with an A - frame red shingled roof . Plants had grown their way up the wood planked walls . I saw one window on the western side and only one front door . Parts of the walls and roof were falling apart , and mold was clinging to the edges of the roof . Cobwebs covered most every corner and crevice . As we made our way closer to the front door , I noticed a smaller cabin close to the woods on the western side ten yards away from the main house . To the south of it was what could only be the outhouse , roughly fifteen yards away from us . The roof of the closer shack was black and the walls were in much worse state than the large one , probably infested . It had no windows that I could see of , and only one door that was falling off its hinges . " As you can see , " Tom continued , " The place is in some need of fixing . We will be staying here for quite a while , so I will need you to make the best of what you have . I require you to make the homes in livable condition as well as make us self - sustaining . " I was rather overwhelmed . Had he thought I was a carpenter , maid , and farmer ? I could make good potion and perform quite a number of spells , but what was in front of me seemed almost impossible . I wouldn 't be surprised if he gave me a deadline by tonight . He put his hand on my shoulder trying to appear supportive . " Eva , don 't worry so much . You won 't be doing everything alone . We are in this together . " I could see it was a ploy for him to cheer me up . He probably assumed if I was a happy worker I would be a better worker . I was very happy , but happiness did not overcome my tiredness . " Come on ; let 's see what we are working with . " Tom opened the larger cabin door . A loud creak startled the mice and rats within and they came bustling out underneath us . I stifled a scream . Hoot , however , had woken up and grabbed his breakfast from among the running rodents . We walked in the dark cabin and my suspicions were confirmed . It was simply an empty house with four walls and a dirt floor - nothing more . At once , I envisioned where a kitchen should go : directly to the left of the door along the wall with the window . The living place should be on right and a table should be in the middle of the room . I couldn 't figure out where the stove should go . It needed to be near the kitchen to cook but also close to the living place for heat . The beds also needed to be close to the stove so we wouldn 't get cold at night . I guess it would have to go in the middle of the room and the table would be to the left of the door . Maybe we could fashion a window into the wall so there would be somewhere pleasant to look at while we ate ? I walked towards all four corners of the house , estimating in my head what I could do . I convinced myself there was room for a bathroom in the west back corner behind the kitchen if we put up some walls . Tom put his hand to his face and mused as he surveyed the tiny home . " We should do foundational work first . I 'll fell some trees and create the bathroom walls . Why don 't you see if you can put a few more windows in ? " I nodded and grinned at him because he was really being sincere about us becoming partners . My heart was filled with love for him , and I happily went to work on the windows . Sometime later when the sun was at its highest in the sky our shack had promisingly turned into a rather cozy home . I had made a couple of bug - away potions and charmed the walls to make a space for two windows on the east wall . Tom had indeed manipulated a couple forest trees into planks to create our sectioned bathroom . He was also able to create outgoing " pipes " that lead to the ocean . As for incoming water , we would have to charm our transfigured buckets to bring back fresh water from the creek I had seen earlier . I transfigured two dead branches into brooms and had them on the task of sweeping the cobwebs away and making floors clean . A few of my handkerchiefs I had brought were turned into sturdy cloths , and I sent them to scrub every wall , nook , and cranny clean . It took a while for the spells to work exactly ( occasionally the cloths were scrubbing the grass outside ) , but in the end everything was clean . After Tom had built the bathroom , he had left to work on the smaller shack . He claimed that it would be his " personal study . " He didn 't ask for my help and , since I was already overwhelmed with this house , I didn 't give it . But by noon my exhaustion had dissipated and I wanted to find some way to get the house furnished . And find some food since our rations had run out last night . I walked into the bright sunlight with the sea breeze ruffling through my knee length dress . It was a wonderful country , wherever it was Tom had taken me . I took a deep breath of the salty air and closed my eyes . " Enjoying yourself ? " Tom called from the small cabin . I opened my eyes in a flash and turned to see him leaning against the wall twirling his wand in his hand . He gave a half smile and came closer to me . He stopped walking and looked up to the sky in thought . " I believe there was a village a few miles down the mountainside . We should find some food to steal for the time being . As well the house needs some furniture … and beds - " Tom frowned at me for interrupting him . " Yes , " he said coldly , " You can bring those items back if you want . As I was saying , the village should have everything we need on a short term , but it would be best for you to establish ourselves here . I don 't want any contact with Muggles for any reason . I regret having to go into the village but we are desperate . " " We , " he said , spreading out his hands to convey the land to me , " are in Albania . Far away enough to be unwatched by the Ministry , but close enough to continue my dealings . I 've made sure that no one can track us here , Muggle or wizard . I hope that you are unbothered by our location . " Albania . I had heard of it , but never imagined it to be this beautiful . From what I remembered , it was somewhere near Greece , across from Italy . However , this Albania was not beautiful just because of its landscape , but because Tom and I were here , alone . " No , it 's wonderful . " We walked for an hour until finally we saw rooftops . Hiding in the forest , Tom and I agreed that we should go for the pink hued house on the farthest edge of the village . It was a very small town . Most of all the houses were of the same built : two stories with a white wash walls and red roofs . The pink house though was more of a farm house with chicken coops in the back and it looked promising for finding food . We watched the house for about ten minutes to see if there was any sign of life . He heard a few voices upstairs but we didn 't see anyone . Tom decided that he would go inside to find right items to transfigure for our stove , sink , and tub while I was going to steal some food and furniture . We would be shrinking what we found and putting it into the bags we brought . Slowly we crouched towards the door so if anyone was casually looking out the window , we would be unseen . Neither of us said a word to one another . Tom went in first and found his way up the stairs quietly . I went into the kitchen and found a huge bowl of potatoes and onions . I shrunk and stored about half of what was there . I stole other spices , oil , and flour from within their cabinets . There were a few chairs and a table behind me . I wanted to take it all but I didn 't have the heart to leave the poor villagers without anything . I just took two chairs instead . Luckily I found a couple of wooden boxes that I figured I could transfigure into table . The next room was a bedroom , but I had no choice but to take the whole bed and a dresser . This house was turning up bare for transfiguration materials . I told myself I would try to bring something back in exchange for stealing their furniture in the coming months . Suddenly , I heard a loud commotion from upstairs . There was a shout , a crash of glass breaking , and thumping on the ceiling . I ran into the kitchen and pulled open a drawer closest to me . I tossed the silverware and utensils into my bag haphazardly without having time to shrink them . Then I threw open the cabinet doors and pulled out as many bowls and plates as I could manage . A hand - made white tablecloth was folded on in the back left . I grabbed it too , knowing I definitely couldn 't sew . The banging continued upstairs and I circled around in the kitchen , trying to see if there was anything else I could take in the coming moments . The room was barren of items for my immediate need so I rushed to the door . At the same moment Tom ran down the stairs so fast it seemed like he made it to the first floor with three long jumps . I had the door open by the time he grabbed my arm . We hurdled into the backyard , towards the woods . Before we were in the forest , Tom pulled out his wand at a chicken innocently pecking at the ground . " Stupify ! " he yelled . The chicken never knew what had happened . I grabbed it by its feet as we ran , happy to know that we would be having fresh meat for lunch and dinner . As I was getting the chicken , I looked back to the house . A large , bearded Muggle had run down the stairs and was coming out the door . The middle aged man had a furious look upon his face and a long gun in his hands . There was a dark stain on his shirt on his left arm and blood rushing down his hands . The gun had been smeared with red . He shouted angrily in Albanian and fired a shot towards us . By then we had made it to the forest and the bullet imbedded itself in a tree on our right . Tom simply laughed as we continued to run up the mountainside . When we finally stopped to catch our breath , I noticed there was blood coming down Tom 's temples . " You 've - you 've been hurt ! " I exclaimed through labored breath . Tom was breathing rather heavily too and touched felt his head where the warm blood was dripping down . His hands were also cut and bleeding . He was surprised but simply muttered , " Bloody barbaric Muggles . The old man surprised me - he must have heard us come in . He hid behind me while I investigated the upstairs . Then I stunned the wife and the child when I entered their bedroom . It probably left him in shock why he didn 't attack me instantly . I had already gotten a few items by the time he threw some vase or pot at me . Bastard knocked the wand out of my hand so we had a tussle . I was able to stab him with one of the shards . That gave me time to get my wand . " He paused and looked up into the sky which was blocked by multitudes of green leaves . " I should have just killed everyone . " I didn 't know what to say at first . Then I slowly came closer to him and sighed , " Thank Merlin you are alright . Let 's get back soon so we can eat and I can clean you up . " I hesitantly grabbed his arm to show my concern . It was likely that he would pull away from my touch , but to my surprise he allowed it . I looked him in the eye and saw his brows furrowed slightly . I gently grabbed his injured hand into mine . My chest was heavy with emotion . Of course I was worried . I didn 't want Tom to be hurt , maimed , broken , dead - none of it . Seeing this look in his face made me so terribly upset for him . It was as if no one had ever truly cared before whether he was whole or not . Growing up , I had my mother to love me and care for me ; Tom didn 't have anyone . This must be why he doesn 't understand how I can follow him to the ends of the earth . It is because I love him . We were starving by the time we arrived . As we marched through the woods , on several occasions I heard both of our stomach angrily growl for food . Still , before anything was to be made we had to transfigure our stove . It took Tom and I almost half an hour more to turn the clock he had stolen into a workable stove . It was not typical looking stove . The clock had been made out of lacquered wood , so of course we had to cover it with a fireproof charm of multiple layers . The door was the face of the old clock and the grills inside where the former hands . The chimney took some work . It was made from the levers and wheels and other metals from inside the clock , so it took on a brassy metallic color . However we could not stop it from reverberating at the top of each hour . But who else had a built in timer in their stove ? Earlier this morning , while Tom had used his spells to have the trees split into planks for our bathroom walls , he had also charmed a few more trees to make firewood . I used one block of wood and some pinecones as tender to start the fire . A few other cuts of wood I turned into a counter space for the kitchen . I transfigured a spare bowl into a sink and one of my dresses into a curtain to cover the space under the kitchen counter . Two chairs were on the eastern part of the room next to the window and I was able to create a table out of the spare boxes I had stolen . The farmer 's markings which were on the original box were now ingrained on the table top . While the chicken was baking , I arranged the bed into the back corner . It was a tight squeeze with the new bathroom walls . I wasn 't sure of our sleeping arrangements yet , but I felt a little giddy thinking that we might be sharing a bed . I enlarged the nightstand so it was a formal dresser . I decided to place Hoot 's cage on top of the dresser until I decided on a better place . He was still missing , but probably enjoying the forest 's darkness . I unpacked my things into it until I heard the stove buzz indicating it had been an hour since I put the chicken in . I put my dress over my hands to shield them as I pulled the golden chicken out of the stove . The potatoes and onions had cooked quite nicely and I was pleased . I hadn 't cooked in a while so I was preparing for a far worse dinner . However we were both so hungry we could have eating the firewood . As I made my way outside to the other cabin , where Tom was working ( he had already set up our bathroom with a fine tub ) I jumped to hear a huge crash from the roof . I ran outside to see if something had fallen on the roof but there was nothing . I went on to find Tom to tell him about luncheon and the sound from inside the house . As I met him , I saw Hoot soaring in the sky . He must have warmed up to the new location . Tom regarded me as hearing things but right before we stepped over the threshold we heard a scream from above . Immediately Tom fetched his Aeroglider 2 and flew up to attic . He waved his wand and a plank of wood flew off the front of the house . He crawled in and suddenly yelled out a spell I never heard before . Half a minute later he emerged , dusty from head to foot with hair disheveled but holding an ogre - like creature upside - down by the ankle . The ghoul was grey and very terrible looking . Tom held it out as far away as possible since it was trying to claw at him with his free hands . It made awful moaning and hissing sounds . My heart held pity for the disgusting thing . I didn 't expect him kill him so coldly , but I tried not to show my surprise . Well , it was just a ghoul . I should get so worked up about such things . But I couldn 't shake the thought that it was also a living thing . I tried to let the whole thing dissolve in my mind , which it did a few moments later when I heard my stomach cry out for food . We went back into the house in silence and sat down to eat . Tom had cleaned his head wound but I noticed that his hands were still scratched . Though the chicken looked delicious , I had forgotten to clean it out so much of its organs had been cooked as well . It was also very dry . But despite it , we ate everything on our plates . When we had finished , I could see realization dawning over Tom that I was not up to his expectations when it came to cooking . He kept his thoughts silent . Now that my stomach was full , I was hit with a wall of exhaustion . Without a word to Tom , I unconsciously walked over the bed and fell upon it . Within moments I had passed out . When I opened my eyes , I was met with a still darkness . There was no light coming from the windows but I could hear birds chirping in the trees far away . I sat up and a blanket dropped off of me onto the floor . I folded it and laid it upon the bed , not remembering falling asleep with it . My eyes adjusted to the dark and I noticed Tom was not here . I put my coat on , stuffing my wand in a bag I slung on my shoulder , and went out to look for Tom . The grass was wet with dew and I could see that the sky was beginning to brighten in preparation for the coming day . The ocean waves crashing behind me and the breeze in my hair made me so peaceful . I couldn 't remember being this happy in quite some time . As I opened the door silently of Tom 's study ( he had fixed it yesterday ) I found him fallen asleep in his chair with his head on the desk . He was in a peaceful sleep - his body slowly rising and falling to his breath . I treasured the moment since I had never seen him sleep before . One arm was propping his head while the other had fallen . I noticed his wand on the ground from where he must have dropped . I slowly went in to pick it up . The room was still dirty and quite dark . I noticed candles on the table . They had been burning for a while with a pool of wax around their bases . Quills and parchment was blown through the room like a hurricane . As I was placing his wand on the table , I saw his face twitch . I froze , afraid that he would misunderstand what I was doing . However , he just turned his head to the other side and mumbled something in his sleep . I wish I could have known what he said , but it was unintelligible . Once I left , everything was different shades of blue and the sky was lightening . I decided to take this time to explore around more and gather enough water for the day . As I wandered around the forest I was pleasantly surprised to find a well not too far off . It would be much faster to charm the buckets to bring water from this well than from the creek half a mile away . I cast a spell for the bucket to bring water to the house so I could use it to wash myself later . Continuing on , I wandered northeast towards to the trail we had made yesterday that led to the village . Fear never entered my mind here like it would have in the Forbidden Forest back at Hogwarts . The scariest thing in this forest would most likely be bowtruckles . The more I thought about it , the more I realized that we needed a few more supplies and a lot more food from the village . Unfortunately I would have to go back to the same one , but I have enough good sense to choose a different house . As I walked along the craggy mountain , the trees became more spaced with a small meadow . The sun finally rose but it hadn 't emerged over the mountain range . I was so focused on Tom yesterday that I didn 't even admire the views . The sunlight had filled the valley with beautiful morning hues . I could see the red roofs of the village from here , and beyond I saw fields of gold and green . By the time I made it to the base of the mountain and the village was close , the sun was fully visible . I had found a good amount of edible mushrooms while I had walked and saved them in my bag . Once the village , and the pink house , was in sight , I headed northwest to the other side of town . Again , the sleepy village was quiet . After walking behind rows and rows of houses , I finally came upon a decent sized garden . They had cucumbers , eggplants , and heads of lettuce . I took just enough to get by for the next week . On top of it , I decided to pull a whole onion and tomato plant up to grow back at the cabin . As I walked back home , I noticed a few orange and lemon trees , which I plucked plenty fruit from . Before I disappeared into the woods , I noticed a chicken and a rooster had escaped from their coop and were nibbling on insects from the ground . If I took them , I could have eggs and maybe make more chickens to eat . After a moment 's consideration , I was convinced and stunned them both . As I was gathering their feet together in my hands I checked the area for onlookers . She dropped her dirty laundry and simply stared at me . I smiled quickly , grabbed the chickens , and ran off . As I ran , I realized I should have erased her memory . That , however , was always a very hard spell for me to do . It was not because I couldn 't do it , but I believed that losing your memory was worse than death . It took away the only things that make you … you . I felt giddy as I ran through the forest and up the mountain , carrying my chickens . I laughed , imagining seeing myself . I felt like a mad woman . Once I reached the place where the forest spread out , I searched for the trail Tom and I had made yesterday . Catching my breath , I noticed to the far west that there were some walnut trees . I picked off handfuls of nuts and held them in my skirt along with the chickens . I wandered past the mushrooms I had seen earlier and filled up my skirt with handfuls more of them . We needed as much food as possible . I blindly continued to follow the path until I had to stop dead with confusion . I was back at the clearing . I frowned and thought I was going mad . I didn 't remember turning around , but maybe I did when I collected the walnuts . I turned around and went down the trail again , shaking my head . Yesterday , Tom must have put up a blockade spell around the shack which deterred Muggles and wizards alike . I sighed and cursed him in my mind . Did he not realize that I needed to get in and out as well ? I called out , " Lord . . Lord Voldemort ? " but no one answered . I wouldn 't risk using " Tom " since that seemed to be a sore point at the moment . I groaned and sat down with my bag , chickens , mushrooms , and walnuts in an unhappy mood . I had no idea how long I would be here . Tom would eventually go looking for me , but the key word was eventually . Tom thought about himself most , if not all the time , so I wouldn 't be surprised if I was here till the next day . I looked up at the trees and started to watch the clouds slowly drift by . My stomach rumbled and I began cracking open walnuts and eating them . Thinking back to where I was only a few days ago , I never expected to be living with Tom like this . It was pleasant that we were on good terms ; but knowing Tom like I do , I didn 't expect us to stay that way . I only hoped our relationship could blossom into a loving one rather than a master and his servant . I cracked open another walnut and savored the ripeness in my mouth . Yet that was what I was here for . I agreed to come as his servant - not his lover . Maybe I could change that ; he could get to know the real me and come to love me as I did him . I was lovable … wasn 't I ? I remembered how he looked at me yesterday after our narrow escape . His eyes showed an emotion I rarely saw : confusion . He could never understand human relationships . It was as if he was in a foreign land unable to speak the language . Did he want me here with him to teach him ? No , that wouldn 't be like him . Yet my mind suddenly was brought back to my fifteenth birthday . I 've analyzed that night over and over and I still can 't come to a conclusion about his true feelings for me . I grabbed my dress with my mushrooms , walnuts , and still unconscious chickens . Graciously , Tom helped me up . I bowed as much as I could with my hands full . " Thank you for finding me my lord . " He smirked but his eyes were still tired . I saw dried blood on his injured temple . I was sure that he didn 't sleep as well as I did . He then turned around , indicating I should follow . Our feet crunched along the underbrush and dead leaves . Thinking back , I didn 't mind calling him " my lord " as much as I thought . I 'd much rather call him Tom if it was up to me . He , however , took great pleasure in being the master and having this title , even though it was all words . But his pleasure was mine . " I hadn 't known you put up a blockade spell when I went out this morning . I couldn 't get back . But I 've only been waiting for a little while . " When we arrived I laid the chickens on the grass gently . After creating a short term barrier spell around them , I headed inside to make lunch . However I was greeted by a pleasant smell . " Mm ! What did you do while I was gone ? " I asked as I placed my bag and the contents from my dress onto the table . Tom didn 't reply and went over to the pot boiling upon the stove and stirred a wooden spoon . I walked over and saw a thick mushroom soup , almost ready to eat . I gave him a " touché " sort of look , but then apologized . " I 'm sorry . I haven 't made my own food in such a long time … " but I became distracted by the room . Giving it a proper look , I saw that it had transformed further . A couch sat between the dresser and the table , across from the kitchen . One of my newly created windows brought in light above it . The stove was a yard and half in front of it , making it perfect for warming up to . My eyes were intrigued by a beautifully woven rug in front of the couch . I looked back at Tom , and he pointed behind me to the table . I turned around and saw a chandelier above the table with fresh candles . My eyes swept across the room and I realized he had placed candles everywhere . While Tom spooned out his mushroom soup into bowls , I noticed books laying on the dresser . I didn 't remember packing any books other than my photos album . I casually looked through the titles and saw they were from the same romanic series I used to read in the library with Tom . Did he bring these for me ? We sat at the table sitting across from one another . The sun was high above us by now and the house seemed darker without light shining through the open windows . I could hear the chickens clucking and roosting now that they were awake . At first we ate silently interrupted occasionally by the clinking of our spoons and the sounds of eating . I was rather hungry and the soup wasn 't bad either . I looked back at Tom every other bite , but he stared at his meal . He looked to be eating simply to eat . He took no pleasure in it , like I did . He didn 't even finish . After we had both finished eating I asked him about the recent additions . He replied , " They were part of what I took yesterday , only better . But I brought the candles with me . " " And the books ? " I flashed a grin at him but before he could speak I continued , " Thank you again my lord . You 've been wonderful the whole time . I 'm so very happy . " " That was very kind of you , my lord . " I ate a spoonful of the delicious soup . " And if you don 't mind my asking , how long are we staying here ? " Tom didn 't touch his half - filled bowl . He began to play with his wand and looked at me in the face . " I 'm not entirely sure . As long as it takes , I reason . " " You 'll find out soon enough . " His face was impossible to read and I couldn 't figure out if he was hiding something or not . I supposed there was a greater mission out here in Albania rather than trying to have Tom fall in love with me . I looked at my empty bowl and frowned . I still wanted some more . " Are - are you going to finish that ? " I hesitantly asked as I pointed to his soup . Tom looked down on his bowl and slid it towards me . As I started to eat his , I thanked my father for his thinness because I 'm not sure how I keep such a good figure with my huge appetite . " No . " And Tom smiled , knowing he had won . I didn 't want the talking to stop . I was facing the kitchen and could see the sun start to head over to the west . Suddenly I realized I would need to make some curtains . It seemed that my dress collection would become smaller and smaller as time went on . " Do you remember that time when Professor Binns died ? " I recalled , trying to change the subject . Tom nodded . " They said he just fell asleep in the faculty lounge and never woke up . I was scared stiff when he floated into the room . " His smirk grew wider . " That 's not what I heard . I was told you became top of your class , even offered to be Head Girl . " " Yes , " I rolled my eyes thinking about it , " but I didn 't want it . I would have been stuck with Augustus again . I didn 't want to have anything to do with him . Professor Slughorn was very upset with me for a while because it would have been the first time in a couple hundred years that there was a Slytherin Head Boy and Girl . " " Oh , Rookwood ? No . . . I found him locking lips with Meredith Flint the first night of seventh year . " I tried to look away , for fear of him . I felt like I had been disloyal to him . Then again , Tom had never courted me , so I don 't know what I was on about . Tom didn 't reply , but I could feel him in my mind . It was the first time I truly tried to block him , and he could tell . However , I was no match mentally against him . He had found the truth . Tom blinked and licked his lips . " I bring it up because it seemed to have affected you . Like I said before we left , there are no secrets between us . I simply wanted you to know … that I know . And I couldn 't care less what you do with your body . " I couldn 't help but give him a dark look . For the first time in my life , I felt violated by Tom . Why does he care ? If he knew , he could have just left it alone . I was seething , but I daren 't look at him . I bit my lip fighting the urge to yell at him and throw the two empty soup bowls . If he hadn 't abandoned me , I wouldn 't have been with Augustus . I did what any normal person would do when someone shows love and affection for them . I took a deep breath , while I recalled the one night with Rookwood . I didn 't even think of Augustus while we were together . All my thoughts were still on Tom . Anger was washed away with sadness . I unclenched my fists and picked up the bowls to take to the sink . It was frustrating hearing Tom change the subject since he was the one that brought it up , but I could play along . " Yes , I was invited to their wedding . It 's in a couple months . " I let the bowls clatter into the sink while I walked to the door to fetch the bucket of well water . As I reentered , he continued talking . " The Blacks are good Purebloods . It 's too bad they have that habit of intermarrying with each other . They all have an impish temper because of that . " " It 's simple , " I answered back as casually as I could while scrubbing the dishes , " why they do that . Purebloods are running out of people to marry . You know we 're all related to each other somehow . " " We ? " Tom turned around in his chair and looked at me mildly amused . " In this house , there 's no point lying to each other . You know as well as I do that we aren 't related to anyone . " Then he stood up and stood next to me , leaning against the counter . Although I didn 't look at him , I could feel his eyes watching me dry . We stayed silent . Once I finished Tom walked past me towards the door and outside the pasture of green . He beckoned me over , and I grudgingly followed him . Tom strolled towards the forest and spread his arms out , " This is the reason we are here in Albania . I am looking for a diadem , a tiara of some sorts , and it 's hidden in one of these trees . Whenever I am gone or if I have nothing planned for you , Eva , you will look through every hollow until you find it . " He turned around to catch my eye . I thought the whole thing was ridiculous . My hands stuck to my hips and my feet were glued to the grass . I looked at him incredulously . Trying to find a diadem in a forest like this ? That would take months and months of searching . There was a pause . A gust of sea wind ran through my hair and down my dress making me shiver . We could both see the wind run through the long grass until it was far into the mountainside . To find this diadem was why he brought me , I realized disheartened . I wasn 't going to be his housemaid and lover - I was going to be his field worker . None the less , I agreed to his conditions and I had nothing else going for me in life . Perhaps I could use the exercise , I thought dejectedly . We did get started but never finished . We looked until the sun was a distant memory over the horizon . We must have searched hundreds of trees . My legs were heavy from walking , and I could count on my body being sore tomorrow . It was pitch black by the time we made it back to our cabins . Both Tom and I had our wands lit to find the front door . I could hear the chickens clucking in anxiety , probably thinking we were wild predators . As Tom entered and began to light the candles , I went to reassure the chickens and set up a few more protective spells . I didn 't know what else to do since I had never taken care of a chicken before . After we ate a quick potato and eggplant sauté , I was ready for bed . As I emerged from the bathroom in my nightgown . Tom , sitting at the table with his head in a book , called me over . As I got closer , I saw that he was scribbling something on the parchment in front of him . On it , there was a drawing of a skull with a demonic looking snake crawling out of it . It appeared sickeningly real . But I was pleasantly surprised by Tom 's artistry . " What is it ? " " I call it the ' Dark Mark ' and it will be known throughout the land . " He grinned at me ominously . " And you , Eva Smith , will have the honor of being the first to wear it . " " Wear it ? " I was slightly confused . I didn 't want to seem foolish , but was I going to copy it onto my clothes or something else ? " Here , let me show you . " He gently pulled my right arm out and rolled up my sleeve . He slowly twisted my wrist so that my pearly white underarm skin shone . I became slightly worried when he placed his wand on it . I wanted to pull my arm away , but I knew I had to trust Tom . Even before he spoke I could sense that the next spell would be painful . Anything from Tom was going to hurt ; and I knew that I would have to numb myself it its pain eventually . " Morsmordre Corpus , " he hissed . I watched breathless awe as an invisible pen scratched into my skin the same exact picture that was on the parchment . I bit my lip and tried to hold back tears . My knees bent a little , not expecting that much pain , but I tried my best not to move . After it was done , we both appreciated it in silence . The mark was throbbing and blood was trickling down the cuts . Yet his handiwork was admirable . It was beautiful in its own disturbing way . " Does it do anything ? " I asked as I moved my arm in the candlelight to see it from different angles . " Yes , you 'll be able to summon either myself or others who have it . So far , you are the first . Right now , it 's just an outline , but I 'm still working on it . But … " he paused to look at me and smiled half mad , " It looks fantastic . " Tom slid one finger over the fresh pattern on my arm smudging the blood onto the skin , and I secretly savored his touch . Then he grabbed me hard by the shoulders and fixed his eyes on me . Then he told me slowly and making sure I understood every word , " This isn 't like those stupid meetings at Hogwarts . This is much more . 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It 's been a few week now since I had my second abortion and I 'm still not back to my old self . Though the father was initially supportive , the day of the procedure he texted me that he 'd be over at 9 and then I didn 't hear from him again . I 'm not surprised , things like this happen when you are attracted to people with substance abuse problems . A deep feeling of loss has dominated both of my abortion experiences . The first time around I could feel the baby . It wasn 't far along or something , but I could just feel that it was there . The sense of loss that I felt afterwards was consuming and surprising . I did not doubt or regret my decision - it wasn 't that . Something that was growing inside of me was gone , suddenly and violently . I couldn 't deal with it . This time around I didn 't feel the baby . ( I use the word " baby " as opposed to " fetus " because it feels less clinical - not because of political reasons or beliefs ) I felt nauseous and tired and sweaty and sensitive , but not connected to the baby . Not like the first time . The loss I feel this time is the loss of a friend . The father was my friend . Now he 's not . That makes me sad . I just finished a letter to him , telling him how I feel about his actions . How I can 't talk to him , that an apology won 't make it better . That I understand him and forgive him , but I can 't pretend like what he did didn 't hurt me . Losing his friendship has been the worst part of the whole experience . I wasn 't alone the day of the procedure because I am really lucky . My mom was alone when she got an abortion and she said she would never let that happen to her daughters . She took a week off of work and flew across the country to take care of me . When the inevitable tears hit me , I curled up on her lap and she petted my hair like when I was a little girl . She said that I would never be too old to cry on her lap and I know she is right . I 'm so lucky to have her . I 've struggled with birth control ever since I started having intercourse with men . For a long time I was adverse to the idea of hormonal birth control because I like that I can feel my cycle moving through different stages . It makes me feel connected to my body . I recently revisited the topic with my doctor , and I also had a long talk with my psychiatrist about it as well . I have bipolar disorder and anxiety and part of my treatment is taking medication . Over the years I have been on more medications than I can count and for a long time I refused to take any at all . Eventually , I was able to find a combination that worked and that didn 't have horrible side effect . It took about 8 years . I do a lot of other things to manage the bipolar disorder and anxiety , but the medication is crucial . I would not be able to be as functional or happy as I am today without it . When I talked with my psychiatrist about how the Pill would interact with my medication , I was reminded that even though I am so happy and stable with my life , I still have these problems . They don 't go away . There are some things that I will just have to do different than other people . The problem is one particular medication , Lamictal . I love Lamictal because it works as an anti - depressant without being an SSRI ( like Prozac ) . SSRIs make me psychotic - a common reaction for people with bipolar disorder . The problem is that the Pill make Lamictal 50 % less effective and doubling the dose isn 't as option . See , the lone side effect for Lamictal is a very , very rare condition that can occur when there are sharp increases or decreases in the dose . During the week where I would be taking the sugar pill , my dose for the Lamictal would effectively double , putting me at risk . The condition is a rash where your skin can fall off . It can be fatal if not treated . If I ever got the rash I would never be able to take Lamictal again . My psychiatrist told me straight out that I should not go on hormonal birth control at all . Sometimes I hear people talking about birth control like it 's the easiest thing in the world . Like , you just pop some pills and you 're good . I know that is not really true across the board , but I can 't help but this about all of the conversations with my doctor and psychiatrist over the past couple months . Or one of my friends whole also can 't take the Pill for medical reasons and is also allergic to latex . Or another friend who couldn 't keep taking the Pill because it made her really depressed . It 's not a simple thing for anyone , and when you toss mental illness into the mix it becomes really frustrating . The only option I have is an IUD ( more on condoms later - that is a whole other post ) . Even though the decision had been made , I still haven 't worked up the nerve to actually get it . Soon . I often joke with my friends about being a slut . In truth , I never really felt like one , even if I was going through a period where I would have multiple sex partners . I 'm not even sure I could define the word slut - that 's a whole other topic . I don 't think having many sex partners is bad at all , and when I joke with my friends I don 't use the word as a put - down . But I never felt like the negative meaning of the word . Until a couple weeks ago . I was sitting in my car on the top floor of a parking garage , the heat from the sun making it hard to breath . I had known I was pregnant for about a week . I had just had a second ultrasound and when I asked the doctor how far along I was , she said four weeks . The second I got back to my car I pulled out my phone to check the calendar . Four weeks . That left two people that could have been the father . One too many . It had been a fun summer . An old lover and I started hooking up again and it was nice to have a little affection here and there while I dated others . In early August I met someone . Someone special . Someone that I really thought I could be with and for three weeks an intense love affair ensued . It was wonderful to feel wanted but it died as intensely as it had started . Communication problems , blah , blah , blah . I found out I was pregnant a week later when I went in for a colposcopy ( a cervical biopsy ) . The nurse asked when my last period was and when I told her she asked if I wanted to do a pregnancy test . I was over two weeks late , but that wasn 't particularly unusual for me . I 've always been irregular . I took the test because I was already there . Since my last period I had had sex with both the old lover ( OL ) and the someone special ( SS ) . I knew it could be either one , but I felt like OL had a better shot . I wasn 't speaking to SS anymore and I didn 't really want to call him up and say " Guess what ! I 'm preggers , it might be yours , but it might not be . Fun huh ? " At least OL and I had talked about what we would do if I became pregnant . Well , I told him what we would do and he agreed . It didn 't really hit me until the ultrasound the next week . By then the nausea had become constant and overwhelming and my breasts felt like they were on fire all the time . I told OL when I first found out and he reacted ok but he wasn 't reliable . Drank too much , smoked too much weed . He had a new girlfriend . I wanted to feel like I could call him and he 'd be there for me , but I didn 't feel that way . Sitting in my car on the roof of the parking garage , I felt like a slut . Like I was being punished for not doing things the " right " way . I was alone , staring at the calendar on my phone , trying to remember who I had sex with when . Four weeks . Had sex with SS four weeks ago - with a condom - but had sex with OL a few days before that without a condom . Slutty slut slut . Should have been better at wearing condoms . Made better decisions . Four weeks . OL came over later that night and I told him the whole thing . What the doctor said , when I had sex with who , how God or the universe or whatever was punishing me for being a slutty slut . He shrugged and said , " Why don 't we just say it 's mine . " Like whoa . People read this . I mean , I see hits on my stats and all . But whoa . People actually read my blog and like it . I have posts brewing about all of those things . It 's been a crazy few weeks but I 'm ok . I have the most amazing mom in the world who flew out from the east coast just to help me through all of it . There will be a post about that too . I 'm queer and I 've experienced quite a bit of ignorance and even downright discrimination . I dated primarily women for many years and was deeply immersed in the lesbian community . When I started dating a guy , a lot of my " friends " had issues with it . Questions / comments I got over and over , from straight and GLBT people : " But I thought you were a lesbian . " ( I thought I was too ? What do I say to that ? ) " Are you going to date women again ? " ( Well , let me get my crystal ball … ) " Do you like men or women better ? " ( I don 't - certain lovers were better than others , of course , but that didn 't have much to do with their gender ) In response to saying that I 'm queer - " So you 're bisexual . " ( Um , not really . Some of my most cherished relationships have been with trans men during various times in their transition . Do they not count ? ) I actually lost friends because I dated men . I now date primarily straight men because I 've found that they ( at least the ones I 've gone out with ) tend to be more accepting of my sexuality . I 've had lesbians tell me to my face that they wouldn 't want to date a women who dated / slept with men . I 'm not trying to say that all lesbians have this attitude - but the straight people in my life do not have any issues with my sexual preferences . I know that has a lot to do with where I live ( the Bay Area ) and the sort of people that I seek out . It gets tiring to explain over and over what really is something very personal . When I first started dating guys I kind of freaked out about the whole thing and one of my friends said , " You know , it 's ok if you like guys too . " It was so simple and so reminiscent of when I was 17 and my sister told me that it was ok if I liked girls . It both cases it was exactly what I needed to hear . No comments : But this post isn 't about looks , it 's about interests . I like a lot of stereotypical lady things : cooking , baking , sewing , knitting , and weaving . These are just things that I like and am good at . I 'm not very good at sports - never have been - and I just like doing quiet , solitary activities where I work with my hands . The precision of baking and weaving especially appeal to me - an outlet for perfectionism I suppose . There have been moments where I feel a little ashamed that I like these types of activities because they are associated with women and femininity . I 'm a feminist I 'd think Aren 't I supposed to go against traditional gender roles ? But my aversion to running / balls / wind / loud noises / wildlife / places without bathrooms kept me inside , happily crawling around on the floor pinning sewing patterns on fabric or carefully weighing ingredients for a cake from scratch . Then it occured to me that if I were a man , all of these activities would be considered revolutionary because they do go against what is traditional expected from men . So it would be ok if a man were doing these things ? This changed how I thought about this quite a bit . I never did these things because it was what I , as a woman , was suppose to do or like . These are just the types of activities that I 'm good at . My mom taught me to sew when I was young because sewing was a big part of her childhood . My grandmother made all of my mom 's and aunts ' and uncles ' clothes when they were children ( six kids total ! ) and my mom made all of her own clothes until she was about 30 . This was because she grew up with no money and the only way to have cute clothes was to make them herself . My mom was taught to sew because she was a girl and girls were supposed to know how to sew . But that is not why my mom taught me how to sew . It was something important to her life history and she wanted to pass that along to me . I don 't worry about not being a good enough feminist anymore because I 'm a lot more comfortable with who I am as a person . I like the things that I like because I like them . Simple as that . I like that when I sew or cook I hear my mom 's voice in my head with the endless tips and tricks that she told me over the years . There is no sense in me pursuing activities that I don 't really like just for the sake of breaking through what is expected of me as a woman . I barely have enough time for the hobbies I love , let alone taking on new ones that I ultimately have little interest in . I tell her to come and start walking around my apartment , nervously preparing . I am usually on the other side of a tear filled phone call . When she arrives she is wearing the new dress we had picked out together the weekend before ; that night she had won an important award for her work . Her face was streaked with black and she didn 't say anything at first . I held her , standing in front of my door , while she sobbed . " Something happened with Kevin . " She swallowed and smiled again . " We were hanging out last night and I didn 't want . . . " She wrapped her arms around me and started crying again . She and Kevin had been casually seeing each other for almost a year . Megan doesn 't really want a serious relationship and Kevin was the perfect guy to not have a relationship with . He is the bartender at a bar right next to where we both live and because he works a lot he didn 't demand too much of her time . " I 'm being so stupid , it 's not a big deal , " she said , looking away . " So he came over after work last night , right ? And we 're hanging out and he 's all like , ' let 's do it ' and I was like ' uh , no , not tonight ' and he was like ' oh come on , let 's have sex ' and I was like , ' no , it 's not going to happen ' . That goes back and forth for a little while and I thought he got the picture . I mean , I wasn 't even drunk or anything . I said he could crash with me because it was already like 4 in the morning and when I . . . when I . . . " She took a big , shaky breath . " When I woke up he was fucking me and when I told him to stop he said that he was almost done and so I . . . I didn 't do anything . " She looked at me out of the corner of her eye . " That shouldn 't have happened , ok ? That was wrong of him . " Had to keep my cool . I used a soft voice and asked her if it was ok for me to put my arm around her . She smiled and said of course . " It is most definitely a big deal and it is a completely and totally normal reaction to be upset . That shouldn 't have happened . " I didn 't use the r - word . I thought it would just upset her more . " I just . . . Why did he have to do that ? I mean , really , like why ? " Most of her makeup had been rubbed off , but she was still in her dress and heels . " It 's just so dumb . Like it 's such a dumb thing to do . " He voice was squeeky and trying to sound normal . " I 'm being so stupid . " " No , you 're being really brave , like really really brave just by telling me . " I looked at her tear streaked face and wished I could have been that brave . I never told Megan about when I was raped . I couldn 't even believe that it was rape for over a year . I didn 't go to her crying , I cried by myself . I wanted to tell her then , to make her feel less alone , but I didn 't because I still wasn 't brave enough . " Megan , look at me . " She looked up and her eyes were deep and dark . " You are a special and worthwhile person and I love you . " Light flickered across her eyes . " Really ? " She really didn 't believe that in that moment . " Really . You are strong and brave and I love you so much . I know that you feel wronged and violated and confused and stupid and silly and like it 's you fault but it 's not , I promise you it 's not . And it 's so completely normal to feel all of those things when something like this happens , ok ? " " You did everything right , ok ? He is the one who fucked up here , not you . He made the mistake , not you , ok ? " I felt so powerless . Because that 's the thing about rape , it is not just the survivor that has to deal with it . I kept it together until she left that night . I felt all the things that she felt because she is my best friend and I feel all of the things she feels and she was raped . She was raped by someone she trusted and knew and who knows all of our friends . My best friend was raped by someone that worked two blocks away from where I live , at a place where our friends congregate . My best friend was raped and it broke my heart because I couldn 't stop it or fix it or or take away her pain because I was powerless . He didn 't just make her feel powerless , he made me feel that way too . She is my best friend . She has been there through so much of my shit and she was there for me when I was raped even though I never told her , she was there for me . Maybe she knew , maybe she didn 't , but she is my best friend and she is always there for me so it didn 't matter why I was so messed up for so long . My best friend was raped and my sister was raped and I was raped and a couple of my cousins ( male and female ) and like so many people because it 's everywhere . And it 's easier for me to deal with it when it 's me , but when it 's those that I love I . . . I don 't have any control or power . I try to say the right things . I try to listen and be there . It just doesn 't feel like enough . I was reminded a couple weeks ago about how much I hate doctors . I had forgotten because for the last few years I had been going to the Planned Parenthood for all of my medical needs because 1 . they are competent , knowledgeable , and nonjudgemental and 2 . they were covered by my old health insurance . My new insurance does not cover any out of network doctors and so I can 't go to the Planned Parenthood anymore . My new doctors is . . . . . a doctor . She 'll have to do . I went in because I have decided to go on birth control and I wanted to talk about my options . There was definitely some judgement on her part - when I told her that some of my friends had gotten pregnant while using the pill she said that they probably just didn 't take it right and when I told her that I didn 't want an IUD because it was icky and creepy , she looked at me like I was an idiot . I get that my feelings about IUDs are not rational , I know that . But when I talked to someone at the Planned Parenthood about it a couple years ago , I told them that I was worried about it getting ripped out of my body if I walked by a big magnet and they calmly ( and remarkably , with a straight face ) told me that copper was not magnetic . No judgement whatsoever . " No , I have bipolar disorder , but one of my medications can be used for seizures . " I kept my eyes on a poster behind her head that showed different types of birth control used throughout history . A lemon was one of them . " I wanted to ask you about that because I know that the pill can affect people 's moods and since I 'm bipolar I was worried . " " You 'd have to talk to your psychiatrist about that . " She looked up from the computer . " It says that there is a chance that it will make that medication less effective , but you should definitely talk to you psychiatrist about it . " " That seems like a bad combination . " Causes moodiness AND make my medication not work ? I thought . It 's going to be a " fun " fall . She gave me several pamphlets which I made the mistake of reading in the middle of the night on the first day on my period . Totally freaked out . I came to the conclusions that I was most definitely going to die , no matter what choice I made , and that I should just give up heterosexual intercourse forever . I knew she was right . But logic and reason don 't change the fact that it makes me sick just thinking about getting an IUD . I haven 't heard anything bad about them from friend - only good things in fact . With the exception of the terrifying pamphlets , every source of information about an IUD tells me that it would be a perfect option for me . It is not a completely rational decision . Yes , it could be . I could suck it up and get it and just deal . I have intellectualized many other things before , why not this ? But I . . . I am the one who has to live with it . It is going to be inside of me at night when I can 't sleep or when I have a cold , or when I finally fall in love again . I know in my head that I won 't feel it , but I cannot convince my heart of that . Is it ok to be irrational about these things ? I got a massage a couple days ago and the massage therapist was a man . In the past when I have gotten massages , or any other service that involves another person touching me , I have always made sure that the person was a woman . A couple days ago , however , I was desperate and the only opening available was with a man . I wasn 't sure if I would be comfortable , but once I was on the table with my eyes closed , it didn 't matter to me anymore . Some professions require very intimate touching , like being a massage therapist . My job , providing in home care for adults with disabilities , also requires intimate touching that took me a little while to get used to . I 'm not a touchy - feely person , but that doesn 't matter because it 's different when you 're at work . The touching I do on the job is drastically different that any touching that happens outside of work . The clients I work with need assistance with bathing , dressing , waste management devices ( like uroscopy bags and incontinence briefs ) , and transferring from a wheelchair to a bed . I get very up close and personal and one of the reasons why I think that I am good at my job is that I am able to perform these tasks while being distant and professional , but still friendly . Outside of work touching is very different for me , and not just for the obvious reasons . When I am with an intimate partner ( I don 't really touch my friends - a topic for a different post ) , the physical contact is mutual . We are both getting pleasure out of it and are acting on mutual affection . Nothing I do at work is affectionate - that would be wildly inappropriate . While I was getting the massage a couple days ago , it really struck me how different touching is outside of a professional setting . The massage therapist was touching me in a way that past lovers had touched me ( though much more skillfully ) but it was . . . different . The only things he got out of it were money and the satisfaction of doing his job well . And that is what I get out of my job too . My mom 's therapist told her about something called the " anniversary effect " . It 's where one starts to have negative feelings around the anniversary of traumatic event . It makes sense - the memory of those types of events are triggered by the date they occurred . Two days ago I was two years sober and it was not a good day for me . The last day I drank was horrible and painful . Even though it lead to something so good for me , the memory of that day is still painful . I was expecting to be more irritable , sad , ashamed , and angry - and I did feel all of those things . What I was not expecting was how my body reacted . Starting on Monday night my back started to cramp up until I developed a knot between my shoulder blades that was so painful it was hard to move my head . The joints in my hands ached and my leg muscles became very tight . Now , I 'm not an athletic person ( or even particularly active ) and I spend a good deal of time hunched over the computer , but this was different . The last time I drank I got alcohol poisoning and almost died . It took weeks for my body to recover from that . And I think my body remembers what that felt like , and is " celebrating " the anniversary of that night . I got a massage because the pain was bad enough to make it difficult for me to drive ( try merging onto the highway without looking over your left shoulder - not fun ) . I explained the pain to the massage therapist but didn 't tell him that I was two years sober that day . I was afraid I would burst into tears just saying it out loud . As he was working the knots and tension out of my shoulders , back , arms , and chest , I felt the pain being squeezed out of me . Not just the physical pain , but the emotional pain . Later I went to an AA meeting and someone who was celebrating 31 years sober talked to me after the meeting was over . I had shared about how crappy I felt and she told me that it was a good thing to remember how bad it was . That I needed to remember so that way I wouldn 't forget why I got sober in the first place . She told me that the birthdays would get easier as time went on and at around 20 years they wouldn 't be hard at all anymore . Yesterday the pain was almost completely gone from my body and my heart . I told people about my sobriety birthday and received the congratulations that would have stung too much the day before . I am proud of myself and even though the last time I drank was painful , I 'm glad that it happened . It got me here . When I left the waiting room I didn 't come back until it was all over . The first thing they had me do was pay , five hundred dollars . Then I peed into a cup and they ushered me into an exam room . A nurse came in after about twenty minutes and told me that I didn 't have chlamydia or gonorrhea . She said that they wouldn 't have been able to do the procedure it if I did because of the risk of infection . She took my blood pressure and my temperature and told me to undress . She left and another nurse came in to perform the ultrasound . They do the ultrasound to determine how far along you are because that affects how the procedure goes . I laid down on the exam table and put my legs in the stir - ups . They don 't do the kind of ultrasound where they put jelly on your stomach like on TV , it was an internal devise . She said it 's so they can get a more accurate picture . " You are six weeks and five days along , " the nurse said , pulling the ultrasound wand out of me . " You can tell that exactly ? " The wonders of science . " Yes , " she said without emotion . They are all business at the Planned Parenthood and that is why I like them . " Do you want to keep the picture ? " " Um , sure , I guess . " I still have the ultrasound picture , buried in a drawer with the framed picture of Matt that I used to have in my room . It was a gray square with a small gray oval . The oval had two little circles in it , making it look like a peapod . I wasn 't expecting to feel anything when I saw it but my heart sank when I saw the little peapod on the piece of paper . The nurse explained how the procedure would work and the aftercare involved . She told me to get dressed and go to a room at the end of the hall to speak to another nurse about birth control . That nurse gave me a painkiller and explained the importance of not getting pregnant again right after the abortion . She asked if I wanted to have two free morning after pills or one month of the pill . I chose the later and she brought me to another room to wait for the painkiller to kick in . The room had four other girls already waiting ; I chose the chair closest to the door . The girl sitting across from me had a large frame and a huge mass of thick , curly black hair . She was wearing a striped sweater and was holding several pieces of paper in her hand . The girl sitting two seats away from her was very pale and had her knees pulled up to her chest . She couldn 't have been older than fourteen . The third girl , sitting against the wall opposing the door , was looking at me so I did not look at her . The girl had very red hair and was flipping through a women 's magazine that she must have brought herself . There were no other reading materials in the room . The walls of the room were adorned with posters in English and Spanish about teen health clinic hours and birth control workshops . I read the posters in an attempt to pass time , wishing that I had the magazines that were out in the waiting room with Matt . The different types of birth control were briefly explained and illustrated by a smiling cartoon woman . A woman who did not have to worry about coming to this room because she takes the pill or has an IUD . " A little late for birth control information , huh ? " said the girl who was looking at me . I smiled and shook my head . " Like that stuff even works , " said the girl sitting across from me . " This is my fourth pregnancy and I 've been on the pill since I was fifteen . " " Yeah , my man must have magic sperm or something . " Everyone laughed and I felt a little of the tension that had been in my shoulders for weeks relax . The girl put the papers that she was holding down on the chair next to her and I could see that they were ultrasounds . A nurse appeared in the doorway and motioned to the girl sitting next to me reading the magazine . She got up and followed the nurse out of the room . There was no clock in the room , no way to tell how long I had been there . My cell phone was in my purse in the waiting room and none of the other girls had anything with them . Another girl was ushered into the room and the conversation stopped . I leaned my head up against the wall and counted the days . Six weeks and five days ago . I needed a calendar . Another girl came into the room and the girl with the ultrasounds was called out . I wanted to know how much time had passed . It felt like time was going slower and slower until the seconds crept by like days . I wanted to walk out of the room and pretend none of it was real . Another girl left the room and another came in . She sat down in the seat directly next to mine . She looked over at me a couple times and I looked away . I slumped down in my seat , uncomfortable after sitting in the folding chair for so long . A nurse appeared in the door and looked at me . I looked up at her and she didn 't say anything for a moment . My arms and legs went numb and I could feel sweat starting to form around my hairline . " We 're ready for you now . " I followed her to yet another exam room and she told me to undress . I sat down in the thin , paper hospital gown they gave me and stared at a calendar on the wall . I 'm glad they had a calendar , I guess I wasn 't the only girl who wanted to count the days since conception while they waited for it all to end . There was a radio playing unfamiliar soft rock songs . I couldn 't feel the painkiller and that worried me . I maintained my composure until the song " What 's Love Got to Do with It " by Tina Turner came on the radio . My eyes started burning and a lump rose in my throat . What does love have to do with this ? I thought and a couple tears escaped my eyes . There was no love in that room . I was alone . After what felt like an eternity , two nurses came in and started setting up the equipment for the procedure . They asked me how I felt and I told them that I didn 't think the painkiller was working . The looked and each other but didn 't say anything . The had me lie down and the doctor came into the room . They put my feet into the stir - ups and I started to sweat and shake . One of the nurses , a large Mexican man with effeminate mannerisms stood next to me and the other shut off the lights in the room , except for a large bright spotlight aimed at my spread legs . My breathing got shallow and I asked the nurse next to me if I could hold his hand . " Sure , hon , now don 't forget to breath . " I gripped his hand tight but felt like I couldn 't get a breath . I 've heard many other women talk about the noise the machine makes , and how scary that was for them . I don 't remember the sound the machine made , just the unfamiliar soft rock songs playing in the background . It hurt , it hurt a lot . I tried to breath and I dug my fingernails into the nurse 's hand but I couldn 't catch my breath . I started to hyperventilate and they stopped the procedure . The nurse put his face close to mine and told me to open my eyes . I did but all I could see was a dark shadow of a face and I could hear the music and everything was swirling around me . " Only four more minutes , ok ? Only four more minutes . " I nodded and looked back at the ceiling . I tried to imagine that I was lying on a beach listening to the ocean , like how I do when I 'm at the dentist , but I wasn 't lying on a beach . I was lying on my back in East Oakland having a baby I didn 't want vacuumed out of me while I listened to soft rock . I did love the baby despite my best efforts not too . I never doubted that getting an abortion was the best thing to do , but it was inside of me . It affected my body and I could feel it and I was attached to it . I came to understand why women who were unsure about what to do would keep the baby even if it wasn 't practical . I never regretted my decision , not even for a moment , but I felt a tremendous sense of loss . After the procedure was over they turned the lights back on and there was a flurry of activity . The doctor left right away and the male nurse kept holding my hand while the other nurse took my feet out of the stir - ups and cleaned up . " Don 't sit up yet . " He gave me a reassuring smile and I started to cry . I laid on the table and cried for awhile and then the male nurse had to leave and the other nurse told me to get dressed . I sat up slowing , sobbing , and started to gingerly put my clothes back on . " Are you sure this is what you wanted to do ? " I looked at her and thought Well , it 's a little late now . I tried to calm down and was able to turn my sobs into desperate breaths and hiccups . As we walked out of the room I glanced into the trashcan by the door and it was filled with bloody paper towels . That her , in a trash I thought and my body went numb . The nurse lead me to another room that had a row of lounge chairs separated by curtains . She gave me a glass of water and some tasteless cookies . There were other girls in the other lounge chairs but I couldn 't see them . I could hear them talking to nurses , and they didn 't seem as upset as I was . Maybe they were and were just better at swallowing their grief . I closed my eyes and concentrated on my breaths , evening them out . I was covered with a thin layer of sticky sweat and I wish Matt was with me . But they didn 't let visitors into the medical areas . Another nurse that I had not yet seen came over to me and asked how I felt . I don 't remember what I said , but she seemed satisfied with my response . She gave me a painkiller and an antibiotic to take later in the day and walked me out to the waiting room . I scanned the chairs that lined the wall but I didn 't see Matt . My pulse quickened and I went outside to the wide mall - like corridor that connected the different offices . I saw Matt sitting on a bench , bent over with his head resting on a cup of coffee . " I thought that 's why I came , " he said tersely . He fumbled in his pockets and pulled out a handful of one hundred dollar bills . We had already agreed to split the costs . " How much was it ? " " Don 't worry about the change . " His voice had softened but he didn 't look at me . I wished I had brought a friend instead of him - a woman - someone who would have been gentler with me . He stayed with me for the rest of the day , working from his computer and smoking weed with me . I sat on the couch and watched game shows on TV . At the time I thought that it was nice of him to stay with me . Later I came to resent the fact that he sat across the room instead of holding me and telling me it was going to be better . Megan was right , they don 't hold you if they aren 't your boyfriend . When Matt left that evening I gave him a long hug but he didn 't hug me back . He kept his arms down and tensed up . Megan came over to see me that night and that 's when I started to feel better about the whole ordeal . She made me laugh and brought me chicken soup . She was there for me more than anyone else during all of it . I talked about it with her everyday for two months , from when I started to worry that I might be pregnant to when the hormones finally died down a few weeks later . Megan is not one to talk about feelings but she did for me and I wouldn 't have been able to handle the situation without her . The next night my dad was in town and we met up at an upscale restaurant in San Francisco for dinner . I wanted to tell him what had happened the day before but I didn 't because that 's not the type of stuff I talk about with my dad . Instead I guzzled expensive wine and we , ironically , talked about strange medical procedures we had had before . I wanted to tell him about the waiting room with the other girls and the soft rock and the big , effeminate , Mexican male nurse who held my hand , because it was all so strange and funny in a way . But I didn 't because it would have just made us both feel awkward . When I hugged him good bye I gripped him tightly . It felt good to be held by someone who loved me , even for a moment . I thought the worst was over but I was wrong . I wasn 't expecting the sense of loss I felt after the abortion . A few days after the procedure I flew home to the East Coast to visit my family before the summer term started at school . My mom knew what was going on and she was so supportive . She had an abortion when she was thirty and she didn 't tell anyone and she said that it was awful . That she would never want me to deal with it alone . A day or two after I got there I lost it . I started hysterically crying , curled up in my mom 's lap like I was a little girl . Asking why , why , why over and over again . I shook and I couldn 't breath and I was pouring sweat . My mom stoked my hair and said , " Let it out , baby girl , let it out . " I cried like that for a long time , maybe an hour or so , before I got quiet . My breathing evened out , though it was still shallow , and I stopped shaking so violently . " Don 't worry , sweetheart , you 're not alone . " And she was right , I wasn 't alone . I had my mom , my sister , and Megan , but I didn 't have Matt and I resented that for a long time . But he wasn 't my boyfriend so he didn 't have to deal with this part of the whole thing . He gave me a ride and three hundred dollars and that was all I was supposed to expect . Looking back I can see how much he struggled with the whole ordeal . He started binging on alcohol and drugs and stopped hanging out with our friends as much . I think he was ashamed . He stopped drinking a year later , after got he arrested for driving drunk in an unregistered car . I would see him at meetings and we would talk about the program or our lives but never about the abortion . We never talked about it again . " So the test came back positive , " the nurse said as we walked down the hall to an open room . She was referring to the pregnancy test that I had just taken and I thought she would at least wait until we got to the room before she told me the results . I felt my head get light and a cold feeling washed over my body . " It says here that you want to get a vacuum aspiration ? " I sat down in a chair in the room and took a minute before I answered . " Um yeah , that 's an abortion , right ? " I was starting to sweat and I wished I hadn 't come alone . The nurse has brassy blond hair and a solid build . The room was small with posters depicting female reproductive systems ; one poster had an illustration of a pregnant woman whose stomach had been peeled open to show the fetus . " Yes , the procedure is called a vacuum aspiration . " She didn 't not say the word abortion at any point in our conversation . Even in a private room at the Planned Parenthood that word is taboo . The nurse explained the procedure and I made an appointment . I didn 't cry in my car like I thought I would . In truth I didn 't really find out that I was pregnant that day , I had known for about a month . I always told people that there was no way that I could be pregnant and not know , that I was too in tune with my body to not know that something that major was going on . I had taken several home pregnancy tests and they had all come up negative or inconclusive but I knew . I starting having nightmares where I was slowing killed and eaten by piles of babies and that 's when my therapist suggested that I go an get the official test , to be sure once and for all . I stopped at the liquor store on the way home a picked up a twelve pack of beer . I knew it was going to be a twelve pack kind of night . I cracked one open when I got home and chugged the whole thing standing in my kitchen . I set down the empty on the black and white checkered tile counter top and tried to ignore the pile of dishes that I should have done days before . I opened another and went into my bedroom to call the male contributor to this situation , Matt . I told him that we needed to talk , urgently . He came over an hour later and we went into my bedroom . He was only a couple inches taller than me and ten years older . One of those guys that stopped maturing at twenty three . " So , I 'm pregnant , " I said when we sat down on my bed . He pursed his lip and nodded tensely . " Really ? " He sounded like he didn 't believe me . " I 'm very sure . " In truth I wasn 't sure . Around the time that we had last been together I had a black out where I could have been raped . I was pretty sure that I wasn 't , but not as sure as I would like to have been . The weekend before I conceived started out innocently enough . There was a trapeze performance at a bar near my house , none of my friends wanted to go so I went alone . I stood in the crowd , watching lithe girls twist around long strips of silk , sipping a beer . I ran into a couple people I knew , friends of friends , and I went to another bar with them . I drank tall cans of Papst Blue Ribbon and we danced to cheesy pop music . I felt good knowing that I could hang out with people I didn 't know very well and still have a good time . Not be nervous or shy . I came to walking around in West Oakland somewhere . It was daytime and I didn 't have my jacket that had my cell phone and wallet . I found a street that would lead to my house , my new house , I had moved the week before . I was hot and still wasted and it took me a couple tries to get home . I keep my house key in my pocket in case I ever get mugged but that morning was the only time that habit proved useful . I finally found my house and drank some water , found cigarettes in my room , and went back outside to smoke . My nose and throat hurt from the coke , but I wasn 't hung over , yet . One of my new roommates came home while I was smoking and I asked him what time it was . " It 's ten , " he responded as he walked past me with his girlfriend . " Mother fucker . " I put my head in my hands and tried to figure out when I had blacked out . How many hours I had lost . There really was no way for me to know . I tensed my vaginal walls but it didn 't hurt so I figured I probably wasn 't raped . Looking back I am amazed that I didn 't realize that having to figure out whether or not you were raped wasn 't normal . " So what are you going to … " Matt glanced at me . " Yes , I 'm sure . " He nodded again . We sat silently , staring straight ahead for a minute . " You know , I thought that you were just going to call me a slut and leave . " " I want to , this is bullshit . " He looked at me a couple times and started shaking his head . " I kind of feel like you did this on purpose . " " Yeah , whatever , I should go . " He stood up and turned towards me . " Tell me when I should take you to the place , but I don 't want to hear about this everyday . " " I thought you would be there for me . " I couldn 't hold the tears back anymore . He turned away from me and looked at the ceiling . " I 'll talk to you later . " He didn 't say anything and closed the door in my face . I finished the beer in my room , got another , and sat down on the couch next to my roommate Rob . Rob would soon become a close friend . I shared my previous house with five girls and now I was sharing with two boys . It was different , but I was getting along with my new roommates well . Rob asked me if I wanted to smoke some weed and I wordlessly agreed , taking a big drink of my beer . He gave me a look while he packed the bowl and asked me if I was alright . My lip began to quiver and I took another drink . " Really ? Why ? " I squinted at him and tried to think if he could have overheard me talking to my best friend about it in the past month . " I guess it 's more obvious than I thought . " I finished my beer but I knew that I had to ease up a little . It was still early and I had a friend 's birthday party to go to later . " Aw , that 's too bad . " His voice was so low that I could barely hear him , but it was soothing . " Well , I 'm here for you if you need anything . " I looked at him and saw that he was being genuine and I felt a little better . Two days before I got the abortion I went over to my best friend Megan 's house to hang out . Matt lived with her , and a few of our other friends . He had fluctuated between being a jerk and being supportive in the two weeks since I told him I was pregnant . He was always a lot nicer about it when he was on drugs . Their house was a renovated Victorian that the landlord had owned since the 60 's . The walls , ceiling , and trim were all painted different colors and there were tapestries and abstract paintings hung on the walls . The living room was sprinkled with different pipes and bongs letting any guest know that stoners lived there . The kitchen had two shelves close to the high ceilings that were filled with empty liquor bottles and the fridge was covered with pictures of the different people who had lived there over the years . the backyard had a small deck , a hot tub , and a fire pit surrounded by makeshift benches . We all sat around the fire pit in the back yard , drinking and talking . It was nice to pretend that everything was normal , even though I had had to borrow some of Megan 's old clothes because I had gained too much weight to wear my own . About six beers into the night Matt sat down next to me and leaned in . " Want to do some K ? " he asked quietly . " You know , and talk ? " I nodded and we went to his room in the basement of the house . The basement had cement floors with scraps of carpet covering it . The walls were covered with graffiti , quotes and drawings of monsters and people doing drugs . Matt 's room had an old futon on the floor and a couple sleeping bags that he used for blankets . He had a dresser next to his bed that was covered with stickers that he got at music festivals and one of the drawers were filled with drugs . He sold drugs , mostly weed and LSD . We sat down on his bed and he pulled a bag of white powder out of his sweatshirt pocket . " This is really good stuff , " he said as he put some on the end of his house key . He held it towards me and I closed one nostril with my finger and snorted the K up my other nostril . " So , um , when should I pick you up ? It 's the day after tomorrow right ? " " Yeah . " I washed away the bitter taste in the back of my throat with my beer . My sixth ? Couldn 't be sure , I usually lost count around the sixth or seventh . " I have to be there at eight in the morning . " " I think they do a group of us at once . " Us . Girls that make mistakes . I snorted another bump off his key and I started to feel it entering my bloodstream . I felt Matt 's hand stroke my back . " I 'm sorry too Matt . " I buried my face into his chest and we stayed that way for awhile . I think I would have cried if I hadn 't been so high . The first time I slept with Matt was only the second time I had ever been with a biological male . I went over to his house to buy weed and to hang out . When I got over there I saw that there was no one else home and I knew then that we would have sex that night . We drank and smoked weed for awhile and then he asked if I wanted to go into the hot tub . The moon was full and it was a warm night . It was August and I had started hanging out with Megan , Matt and their roommates that summer because the friends that I made when I first moved to California no longer wanted to hang out with me because I got too drunk all the time . So I made friends that drank more . Their house was one block away from mine , stumbling distance . After drinking in the hot tub for awhile I ran my foot up his leg . He looked at me and I moved across the water and straddled him . We kissed in the hot tub until we felt sick from the heat and we down to his bedroom . I tried to act like I had done this before , that it wasn 't different from being with girls , but it was . His face was rough and he had trouble getting it up and I wasn 't sure what I was supposed to do about that . We slept together a few times a weeks for five months and then once every couple weeks for three months after that . We were never officially together , he made sure that I understood that . We did talk a lot , about our childhoods , families , hopes for the future . I told him that I loved him a few times , when we were about to fall asleep and I was drunk . But I was always drunk then , we were always drunk . I got pregnant the last time we had sex . That morning he told me that he thought we should stop hooking up and I agreed . By that point we were sleeping together out of habit more than anything else . I told him that I was glad that he was my friend and he said so too . " I guess we should go back to the party , " he said , pulling away . Two days later Matt picked me up and we drove to the clinic in East Oakland . It was in a shopping mall that had been converted into an office complex . The waiting room had several couples that were affectionate but me and Matt sat with our jackets and bags on a chair between us . The softness that he showed me two nights before was gone . No comments : " So is it like a casual sex thing ? " my best friend Megan * asked as we walked to my car . I had told her that I had started having sex with my ex - Not - Boyfriend again , after almost a year of no contact with him . " Not really . " I got into the driver 's seat and tried to think about how to explain how I felt about Rob . " It 's like I trust him , you know ? That 's not casual for me really , but we 're not like dating or anything . " A Not - Boyfriend is someone that is like a boyfriend in many ways ; you have sex with them regularly and are good friends . Not - Boyfriends are often within your social circle - someone convenient . It 's not monogamous in theory , but it practice it often is . People only have so much free time and it is easier and often more sexually satisfying to go for someone that you already have a rapport with . Finding new people can be tiring . A Not - Boyfriend might even tell you that they love you " as a friend " . Always with the qualifier . I hate the term " friends with benefits " . Sex is not a benefit of my friendship . A recent article in The Good Men Project Magazine lists different types of " pre - exclusive relationships " but none quite fit what I call a Not - Boyfriend . Lovers , maybe . Rob and I started hooking up when we were roommates two years ago . We both intended for it to be a one time thing , but we started sleeping in the same bed every night almost right away . He was affectionate in a way that I craved and he didn 't hold it back the way that my past Not - Boyfriends had . It was hard summer for me and it felt good to be held . Don 't get me wrong , the fucking was great , really fucking great , but the holding was something I desperately needed but could never ask for . I am not a touchy - feely person ; most physical contact outside of sexual relationships makes me uncomfortable . Part of the reason that I enjoy sex so much is because despite my aversion to touching , I want to . My skin will feel numb if it 's been too long since I 've been held or caressed or something like that . Through this , my life was changing tremendously . The summer that Rob and I started hooking up I finally stopped drinking . I almost drank myself to death that summer and Rob was there for me through all of it . The week I stopped I shook and cried and threw up and was overwhelmed with all the feelings I had been drinking away for years . Sometimes Rob said the wrong thing and sometimes he said the right thing but he was there when I was too afraid to reach out to anyone else . There can be many things that keep a Not - Boyfriend from becoming and Actual - Boyfriend . Rob and I don 't have anything in common . He isn 't in a place in his life where he wants a committed relationship and I often question whether or not that is something I could handle . I have waves of love - feelings for him , but I am not convinced that we are right for each other . I have always been a little in love with him , but not the kind of love that I have felt in my past actual relationships . Yet , there is something inside of me that only stops moving when I am in his arms . He has seen the worst of me and still wants me in his life . That is not casual for me . We are not on a path towards a relationship , but there is a connection that is different from one that I would have with a fuck - buddy . " It was weird , he was crying and apologizing for all this stuff , " my best friend Megan * told me over the phone . She called to because she couldn 't wait to tell me about spending the night with the boy she liked . They had hung out with some mutual friends and one , someone that I barely know , broke down . " He told me he was so sorry about when you gave him a blow job like when you were still drinking . " The hair along my spine stood on end . I knew what night she was talking about . One of my top three worst blackouts . I knew that he was there that night but I have no memory of him . The last thing I remember was staring at myself in a mirror with lines of coke on it , closing my eyes , and breathing it . I came to walking around in West Oakland , a half mile from where I lived . It was morning . I lost maybe eight hours or so . There was a pause . We both knew what that meant but didn 't want to say it . How do you respond to finding out that you were sexually assaulted over two years ago ? What do you say ? How do you feel ? Does it could as assault if you initiated it ? I did that a lot when I was drinking . Does it count if he was wasted too ? I don 't know how many times I 've been raped / sexually assaulted / whatever you want to call it . I was a blackout drunk . Does it count as rape if I would have done it if I wasn 't blacked out ? Does it count if I seemed super into it to the other person ? I wasn 't a passed out blackout drunk . From what I 've been told , I would be animated and energetic and people often wouldn 't know that I was blacked out . What about that ? If someone else were asking me the same question I would , without hesitation , say that it counts . That it shouldn 't have happened . That the other person was a predator and should have know better . But it is hard for me to believe when I tell myself these things . I don 't want to believe . I told my mother about my father 's affair the next morning while we were driving to the DMV so I could take my driver 's license exam . I failed miserably . Did not even make it out of the parking lot . While I was failing my driving test my mom was crying in the car . She had a much better idea of what had been going on than I did , but my dad had always been a mystery to me . Everything I knew about my dad my mother had told me . He never spoke of his childhood , nor any time before I was born . His father was an abusive alcoholic that his mother divorced him when my dad was twelve . His older sister was severely retarded . My dad 's mom worked as a waitress to support the family . My dad never left his home state of Kansas until he was twenty two , when he went away to serve in the Navy . All of his immediate family was dead by the time I was born . When my mom and I returned from the DMV , she disappeared for a couple hours . She went to my dad 's house and screamed at him and my future stepmother . When she came home she brought my dad with her and she called me and my younger sister Jenny into the family room . Her face was puffy from crying and her hair was all messed up . She was using the voice she would use when she was trying to keep her composure . She said that my dad had something to explain to us and turned to him . My dad launched into a long speech about being an adult , not being sure of the right thing to do , love , and how much he wanted to do what was best for me and my sister . His roundabout way of telling us that he had been having an affair for five years and that the " other woman " was going to be moving in with him . I clutched the mug of tea I was drinking , thinking that everything he was saying was bullshit . I couldn 't even look at him . I couldn 't look at my mother either , I blamed her just as much . I stared at my off white , cold tea and ground my teeth and bit my lip and tried to think of something to say that could express how angry I felt but I couldn 't think of anything . I didn 't express anger , I was always happy , always wore a mask , never showed any unpleasantness . A good WASP . But after everything I had dealt with in the previous two months , an affair , with his secretary no less , it was all to typical . Too Lifetime made for TV movie . That made me even angrier . It was my seventeenth birthday and instead of doing something fun I was in the middle of an uncomfortable family meeting . Staring at cold tea , listen to a lesson about love from my philandering father . I screamed at the top of my lungs and everyone jumped . I hurled the cup of tea through a window and screamed again . I may have screaming swear words , or " I hate you " , but I can 't remember now . Something that a high school girl having a really , really bad day would scream . I ran up to my room , screaming the whole way , leaving my family frozen in the family room . I locked the door to my bedroom and then went into my bathroom and locked that door too . I kept screaming at the top of my lungs , so much so that my mouth filled with the taste of blood . I looked at a pair of scissors that were on the bathroom counter and I thought about slashing my wrists but even in the heat of the moment , the thought of blood made me cringe . Outside my door my mother was trying to pick the lock and Jenny had fainted . My dad shook Jenny or maybe he slapped her , something to revive her . After a time I left the bathroom , trance - like , and opened my bedroom door to find my mother kneeling in front of it , crying and holding a coat hanger . She told Jenny to wait in my room with me while she and my dad talked downstairs . " You sure did . " She smiled for a moment and then put her face into her hands . We sat for awhile on the edge of my bed , silently , before Jenny turned to me . " Will you please not kill yourself ? " " I know about the pills . " I opened my mouth to say something , lie maybe . I don 't know how she could have known . " Will you get rid of then , like right now ? " I wanted to say no because I wanted to keep the option , just in case , despite my promise to Jenny . Instead , I sighed and started collecting the bottles I had hidden . There must have been about ten or so by the time Jenny and I started to empty them into my toilet . Thing is , it 's not easy to flush that many pills all at once . Jenny and I stood in my bathroom , watching as the pills spin around furiously with each flush , until there was nothing left but cloudy water .

Mrs . Pig sighed . She knew the house was too small , but what could they do ? The children were too scared to move out , and their family kept growing and growing . " No , I don 't mean a house of sticks ; flimsy wobbly things - no wonder they fell down . I mean a log cabin , with interlocking pieces that you can expand by adding modules . It would be perfect for us . " Before she closed the door on the brick house for the last time , Mrs . Pig took down the photograph of her grandfather and his two brothers from the mantelpiece . Poor Great Uncles Tom and Bert never had a chance to raise their own families . She sniffed and wiped her eyes , then gave the key to the family of goats that had bought the house and climbed onto the back of the moving van which held all their possessions . At the new house the piglets had started a game of sliding down the long , smooth bannister , landing in giggling heaps on the floor , while Mr . Pig oversaw the unloading of the furniture . Mrs . Pig propped the photo of her grandfather up on the new mantelpiece and took a moment to absorb the strong smell of wood . She walked around the house , testing the window latches and the lock on the front door until she was satisfied that the house could be secured , then she made a pot of tea , and , ignoring the pandemonium , sat down to relax in her new kitchen . " All the homes have them , " said Mr . Pig , coming into the kitchen with the paperwork to sign . " It 's an added benefit , according to the brochure . The realtor said that all the neighbours love them . " It was a very convenient hideaway . Wide sandbanks protected the bay , and tall cliffs provided a good lookout , making it hard for enemies to approach unseen , whilst a tree lined river that flowed into the bay provided fresh water . The only problem was the women who had taken up permanent residence by the sea shore , and who had re - buried the pirates ' treasure , refusing to divulge its new hiding place . The two women laughed , and waved their weapons : a pistol and a nasty looking axe . The longboat slid onto the sand and Pete jumped out , raising his hands in the air as one woman pointed the pistol at him , while the other lady minced up to him and , dropping the axe on his toes , put her arms around his neck and planted a kiss on his cheek . One - eyed Pete cursed , and kept his good eye on the pistol , worried that it might go off , but then he noticed the medallion hanging around her neck . " Who was on lookout duty ? " roared Jasper , kicking the nearest pirate , who grunted and then covered his head with his hands as Marianne threw water on him and his companion . Either the cold water or the unwelcome news had a sobering effect on the pirates who began to scramble up and pull their boots on , sending the crabs flying . " There must have been a warship following the ship we boarded , " said One - eyed Pete , " that 's why the prisoners said help would be coming soon . Now what do we do ? We can 't get the Flying Dragon out of the bay in this low tide . " The pirates struggled to their feet and collected their cutlasses . The more sober ones were already rowing out to the Flying Dragon and shouting for the sails to be raised and they quickly steered the pirate ship into the mouth of the river where it was concealed by the tall trees , leaving the looted ship anchored alone in the bay , still flying the pirate flag . The women cleared away all signs of revelry from the beach and then trussed each other up like turkeys and waddled into the wooden hut where they knocked the terrified prisoners unconscious . And so , gradually , a small settlement grew up around the bay . Several times a year the pirate ship called in for supplies ; sometimes one or two of the pirates would stay and settle down , and sometimes one or two of the settlers who wanted adventure , or just to get away from their women , would join the pirates . The young boys were always eager to spend time on the pirate ship , returning home months later with tall tales of plunder and pillage . The girls were content to stay in the bay , waiting for their sweethearts to come back to them , for the girls shared a secret which they guarded fiercely and would tell to nobody , even to this day : the secret of the buried treasure . It Wasn 't My Idea June 14 , 2014 12 : 56 pm / Leave a comment It wasn 't my idea to take Uncle Brad 's truck out onto the ice , but I guess everything that happened was my fault . I had never been anywhere so cold . My hands and feet felt disconnected from the rest of me , and my nose felt as if it would shatter into a thousand pieces if you just tapped it lightly . I wore layers and layers of clothes , even inside the house , and when we went outside , past snowdrifts higher than you could see over , I jumped up and down , waving my arms like pistons while my breath formed clouds that drifted away into the dark . My cousin Felix 's idea of fun was to grab a couple of beers and sit in his friend Jason 's room , drinking and smoking and watching reality TV . I went with him the first time , so as to be friendly , but I soon got bored , while Felix and Jason got drunk and passed out . I suppose I would end up getting drunk if all I did was watch reality TV at sub - zero temperatures . It had snowed for over a day , with the wind shifting the snow into piles , so that it was almost impossible to make out any of the portacabins that served as houses in the small settlement , but today was clear , with a blue sky stretching for miles in every direction , while the sun did its best to warm up the permafrost . I was not sure I trusted Felix in the truck , but I did not want to be left alone while he and Jason went off so I struggled into my coat and boots , pulled my hat over my head and at the last minute remembered my gloves . You never go anywhere without gloves up here . We never made it to Beaverton . The fresh snow was piled thick on the hard packed strip that served as a road and the truck kept getting stuck and then stalling . At least digging it out of the snow kept me warm ; too warm , as after a while I could feel the sweat trickling down my back inside my woolen undershirt . By the time we got going , the last of the daylight was fading , with the sky changing from a pale blue to a dark purple with strips of orange . The first stars flickered in the sky like distant beacons and soon we were in total blackness with only the headlamps of the truck reflecting off the snow . " Nah , this road goes all the way to Beaverton . We 'll just keep going and crash at my buddy Dave 's place , " said Felix , while Jason nodded and opened a beer . I wondered what my Dad would say when he discovered I was not at the house , but I figured we could call from Beaverton and let them know where we were . I climbed out of the truck and stood on the ice , which seemed solid enough , then looked up at the sky , where the green swathes of light flickered like flames above the tree tops . It covered almost half of the sky , with the stars shining through the light like pin pricks . Jason and Felix began to argue about something and I walked away from the truck until I was standing right in the centre of the lake , craning my neck upwards to see all of the sky at once . I felt as if I was drinking in the light , trying to absorb it all in one swallow . Maybe it was worth living out here in the middle of nowhere if you got to see sights like this . I could hear the others shouting but I was not ready to go back yet . I wanted to stay and watch the lights for as long as possible as the tendrils of colour twisted and floated , as if touching each one of the trees before moving on . I wished I could take a picture of the sky but I had given up carrying my phone when I discovered it did not work up here . I saw Felix jump out of the cab just as the front of the truck sank slowly into the ice . I began to run , slipping and sliding on the ice , then slowed to a fast walk as I saw Felix back away from the lilting truck . There was no sign of Jason . Damn those beers , I thought . Can 't they do anything without beer ? I should never have come on this trip . Placing one foot carefully in front of the other , I slowly moved towards the truck and peered in the passenger side window . I could see Jason moving , so I reached for the door handle , but the door was locked . Somehow , I pushed Felix towards the open door and made him grab hold of Jason 's arm and tug , while I pulled off my gloves and reached down into the icy water . I gasped as the cold hit my fingers and numbed them , but I wiggled them and felt around the pedals . Jason 's bootstraps were caught on the gas pedal . I pulled and worked at it as my fingers became number and number and the truck shifted and settled , but I could not get the straps untied . He plunged his hands under the water and a moment later camp up with Jason 's boot . I grabbed Jason by the arms and pulled him over to the door . Between us we dragged him through the small opening and laid him down on the ice , his bare foot shining white in the eerie green light . With a practised twist Felix set off the flare which shot into the sky like a rocket , leaving a bright long tail of fire . Up , up it went , until it exploded in a shower of flame . A single point of light set against a backdrop of green and purple . Would anybody see it ? I wished the lights would go away and make the sky dark again so that our flare would be visible . Jason shook his head and mumbled something . Felix lifted one of Jason 's arms and I took the other . Together we dragged him across the ice to the edge of the lake . Rescue came , eventually , and Jason 's foot survived the ordeal . Felix got into a lot of trouble for taking the truck and losing it but I think the insurance paid out something . Dad and I went home soon afterwards and the biting cold became just a memory . People often ask me if I saw the Northern Lights during my stay up north and I shake my head ; if it had not been for me wanting to get a better look at the lights , Uncle Brad would still have his truck . This is a Map to Where I Live " And you 're expecting me to let you go in exchange for this ? " Daniel held on tightly to the little man 's legs . " You must think I was born yesterday . " " Well I can 't give it to ye if I don 't have it , now can I ? " wheedled the little man . " Be reasonable . What sort of creature goes out to breakfast lugging a great big sack of gold around ? Gold 's heavy , you know ; can 't be just taking it all over the place for walks . Anybody might get a - hold of it . " The little man threw the map to the ground and crossed his arms around his chest . Patrick and Daniel reached out for the map at the same time , causing Daniel to loosen his grip on the spindly leg . It was enough . The captive wriggled free , and was gone in an instant . " Hey ! Come back ! " shouted Daniel , but all he heard in reply was the wind swishing through the grass . " I should never have looked away , " he muttered and turned angrily to the map . " This map doesn 't look like a tree or a shoe , " said Daniel , gazing around the field , " and we 'll never find him again in this long grass . I shouldn 't have taken my eyes off him when I had him . Leprechauns vanish if you stop looking at them . " " Hey , " said Patrick , " I think I 've solved it ! " He had rolled the paper into a tube and now held it out in front of Daniel . " Look , the little fellow did give us a map . I think these markings are the bark on his tree . " " Easy , " said Patrick , digging around in his pockets , " leprechauns love shiny objects , so we just lay a few around , like this watch with an alarm , which I will now set . When the leprechaun takes the watch we just listen for the alarm and then we 'll know which tree is his . While we 're waiting we can check out the bark patterns on the trees . " Daniel shook his head , but as he did not have a better idea he went along with his friend 's plan . Patrick set the alarm for one hour , then left the watch on a stone , together with a couple of bottle tops and a shiny coin . The two boys retreated to the edge of the field and began to study the bark on the trees . It was boring work . The bark all looked the same to Daniel , and as the morning wore on the map looked less and less like bark , and more and more like a messy piece of paper , but as Patrick was diligently working his way through the line of trees he felt he ought to do the same . Every ten minutes one of them would go and check the rock for the bait . The boys moved farther into the trees and Patrick continued examining the bark patterns while Daniel looked anxiously around . It seemed an age before they heard a faint ringing sound from somewhere to their right . Both boys dashed through the trees until they stood under the one the noise was coming from . There was no hollow at the base , but the noise seemed to be coming from high up the tree . Daniel hopped around on the ground , wanting to climb the tree too when suddenly he heard a squawk , and a loud beating of wings . A large bird swooped down into the tree at just about the same height as Patrick . Daniel heard sounds of a scuffle and a moment later Patrick crashed down through the foliage , one hand grabbing at branches as he fell , the other clutching his watch . The boys sat in the grass , feeling despondent . Daniel imagined how close he had been to getting the gold , if only he had not looked away . He poked idly at the map with a stick , then he rolled over onto his stomach . The map lay on the grass in front of him , and he could see the line of trees beyond it . " Patrick , look ! " Daniel jabbed his finger at the map . " Lie down here , with your head level with the top of the long grass . Now look at the map and the line of trees - what do you see ? " The boys set off at a run , bent over double to keep their heads level with the top of the grass , so as to check their progress against the map . They slowed when they approached the last tree and Daniel was sure he could hear the soft tap - tapping of a hammer . He lunged forward towards the sound and a flurry of green showed they had been right . " Ah , sure they all say that , " said the leprechaun , " they all think the gold will buy them everything they want , but they don 't know what trouble it is to spend leprechaun gold . No sir . Can 't just walk into a shop and buy fries and a drink with a solid gold piece - ye 'd be arrested for counterfeiting . No , ye have to go and change it all at a bank , good and proper , and then they 'd want to know where you got it from , in case you were laundering it , and they 'd charge you commission . " The leprechaun shrugged and turned away , " then the old historians and archaeologists and anthropologists and journalists would all want to see it - ye 'd be lucky to keep a tenth of it . Ye 'd be better off making a wish - then you could ask for paper money , like you 're used to . But if gold is what you want … " " Maybe , " said Patrick , " but he has a point about the problems we 'll have with the gold . " He turned to the leprechaun . " If we ask for a wish can we make one each ? " " Nothing is fair ! " came the leprechaun 's voice from somewhere in the air . " I said you could make a wish and you did - so what are you complaining about ? I never said I 'd grant it for you ! Hee , hee ! " I wondered whether the customs people at the point of arrival had been forewarned , but that was not my problem , so I set about getting the aircraft ready for boarding . I could hear the noise building up in the departure lounge as passengers were parted from their oversized hand luggage . It happened every time on the journeys to West Africa ; people tried to bring sacks of potatoes and even live chickens onto the plane . It is a wonder we ever get off the ground in time . I fixed my smile on my face and tried to hurry the people along as they boarded the plane dragging enormous cases and clutching overflowing bags , with small children bent over under backpacks almost as big as themselves . I hoped we would be able to stash everything away securely . Felicity had told me once a family tried to bring a goat onto the plane with them ; that must have been quite a spectacle . I waved him on to his seat , not wanting him to watch me putting his suit away in case he went to retrieve it at the end of the flight and found the leg instead . Perhaps the nephew would be the last to get off the plane , that way nobody would see him with the leg , except that he would walk into the crowded terminal and be seen by everybody . No , that would not do . He would have to get off first , but then , how would we get the leg off the plane unseen ? Holding his elbow firmly I escorted the man back to his seat where the garment bag flopped over onto the person next to him , and I made a hasty retreat back to guard the closet . Only another hour , I thought , and then we 'd be safely there . I glanced at the movie and saw the closing credits rolling down the screen and soon people began to struggle up out of their seats to visit the washroom . It happens every time ; they should really stagger the movie showings by row to prevent this mad rush as sometimes the line - up stretches into Executive Class . As usual the people at the front of the washroom line stayed where they were , and those farther back began to return to their seats . There must have been around twelve people standing up when the plane lurched again and dipped to one side , causing the passengers to lean against the seats and coffee cups to roll around the floor . I looked up in horror to see the leg come sliding out of the closet and come to rest in front of a young woman who opened her mouth and screamed the most blood curdling sound . March 19 , 2014 3 : 51 pm / 1 Comment on It was Time to Change Schools Again It was time to change schools again . I would probably be expelled for starting the fire in the chemistry lab , but it was such a spectacular explosion that it was worth it . The magnesium strips burst into an incandescent whiteness that seared my eyeballs , even with the safety glasses I had put on , while the copper filings sputtered into blue and green showers and made me wish I had thought to put them in a tube to make a firework . The glass bottles containing some of the solutions began to explode just as the overhead sprinklers came on and showered the whole room with water and by then a small crowd had assembled outside the lab , wondering who the culprit was . As we grew older my father would build enormous bonfires out in the open field and my brother and I would compete to see who could create the most sparks and the loudest noise . We burned some weird things in our time , such as a mannequin from a store , whose arm waved a crazy goodbye as it melted ; old aerosol cans , which made a huge bang and half a sofa which sent up clouds of black smoke so thick that it could be seen from three blocks away . We coughed for days after that fire , and that was the first time the police visited our house . When I was eight I burned my first real structure : an old playhouse in the park . One of the doors had fallen off its hinges and not many kids played in it any more since the city had put up the shiny metal monkey bars , so I thought nobody would mind if I got rid of it . Starting the fire took a long time , because the roof was still wet through from all the rain , but once it caught and the flames licked up the sides , reaching higher and higher with their flickering points all stretching up to the stars , I thought it was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen . And so it continued , year after year . How could I explain to her the surging of energy that rushed through me when I saw the flames leap into life from a small spark ? The way the flames danced , as if to a hidden rhythm , never following the same pattern ? That the roar of the fire and the crackle of the burning wood spoke to me like a symphony ? My teachers did not understand this either . At first they treated me as if I were slow and fragile , then , after the first burning incident , they were more cautious , and eventually they all became afraid of me . That was usually when I was asked to leave the school , but I did not care ; school was boring . But finally I got to high school and discovered the chemistry lab and a whole new world opened up before me . It had been a good display , I decided , as I waited in Mr . Denby 's office . Maybe I should have put some of the paper closer to the centre of the fire , or perhaps opened up some of the Buntzen burners . Oh , well , there was always next time . Finally , We Were Both Free Two thousand , one hundred and forty three frogs I had kissed , and now the moment I had been waiting for had come and I had forgotten to bring the clothes . The prince - for I assumed he was a prince , or why else would he have been transformed into a frog - held my milking apron in front of him and looked at me with a frown . I suppose he could not remember much about life in the palace , it had been so long since his enchantment , and he had probably never even dressed himself . The prince stared at my hand and then looked at me . I suppose I should have curtsied or something , but it is hard to feel humble in front of a man wearing your own apron . I grasped his hand and shook it , saying , " pleased to meet you . " " You 're the long - lost prince . Or at least , if you 're not him then you must be some sort of prince . I 've been looking for you for years ; in fact we 've all been looking for you for years . All the girls , that is , I don 't think the boys care too much about missing princes . And now that I 've found you , I 'm supposed to take you back to the palace and claim my reward . " I don 't know what I expected after all that frog kissing and turning him back into a human ; gratitude maybe , or at least a reaction . It was too much to suppose I 'd be swept off my feet with a proposal of marriage and get to live happily ever after in a palace , but really , you 'd think he would say something after being rescued from the slimy pond I found him in . Instead , he stood there , his two feet planted in the cornfield as if waiting to turn into beanstalks , and his long arms hanging loosely by his sides like pump handles , while the ridiculous apron flapped around his knees . I couldn 't help laughing , but I stopped when he looked up at me with those big , brown eyes , just like a lost puppy . " Eew ! Now you 've done it ! " said Cassie , staring at the bubbles collecting on the surface of the milk . " Mrs . Banks is not going to like that ! " The two girls stood making faces , while I rolled up my sleeves and plunged my arm into the warm milk . I hoped the frog would not drown in the milk , or have his pores clog up or whatever it is that frogs do to keep alive , but I need not have worried for I could feel him scrabbling away at the inside of the pail . I grabbed the frog tightly and pulled him out of the milk , making sure to spray both girls as I shoved the creamy creature back into my pocket . " Ugh , now I 'm covered in milk ! " said Brenda , pulling off her apron and blouse . " Here , you can wash this . I 'm going up to the house to tell Mrs . Banks you spoiled a churn of the best milk . " I gathered up the discarded clothes and poured some of the milk into a gourd that hung inside the barn . There was no sense in wasting it , and I knew I could not get food from the house now . However , the skirmish had given me a plan . If I travelled on my own I would stand out , especially if I had to deal with a frisky frog in my pocket , but two girls would be able to pass unnoticed through all the market towns . I would transform the frog back into the prince and dress him as a girl , using Brenda and Cassie 's clothes . His hair was longer than mine , and the guards would not question two girls bringing goods to the palace . " Okay , Prince Charming , " I said into my pocket . " I 'm going to carry you down to the end of the lane and then we 'll get you changed back and dressed up . You get to go home , and I get to leave this farm for good . " Once more I kissed the rubbery skin , only this time I was prepared for the pop and kept hold of one of its arms , which transformed into a human hand . I reached for the clothes with my other hand and pulled the shirt over the prince 's head , then made him step into the skirt and tie on the apron . He looked just as shell shocked as before , but he did not resist , and even drank some milk when I offered it to him . I took his hand and pulled him onto the road , wishing that I had thought of taking some boots , but he did not seem to mind walking on the dirt . With his long hair and the skirt he looked just like another milkmaid , and I felt myself relax slightly , and even look forward to the journey ahead . No matter what happened from now on , finally , we were both free . Barn Stomping " Yes , something like that . We built the barn a couple of years ago , to incubate the chicks , but George got the measurements wrong - you know how he is with his dyslexia . Anyway , it 's two feet longer and two feet wider than the planning permission - you 'd think they 'd have told us when we laid out the foundations , but no , they waited until the roof was on to come round and serve the notice and then it was too late . " " Because of the bloody bats , that 's why , " said George , taking a swig of his wine . " The brown long eared bats moved in and the European Union won 't let us move them out without a licence . They 're protected or endangered or something . Anyway , they won 't give us a licence to move them , they won 't give us planning permission for a new shed for the bats , and they won 't let us tear down the existing barn , so every year the council people come round , with a big smirk on their faces and fine us for having an illegal building . It 's costing us a fortune and if it goes on much longer we 'll be ruined . " " Right . So you have a team of people and you build a wall two feet in from one of the existing walls . Then you take off all the sidings and move them to the new wall and take down the old one . Do that for all four walls and presto , you have a smaller barn . " " You make it sound like it was their fault they got it wrong , " said Martin , " and with any luck you can sue them and get some of your money back . Tell them you got all confused with your dyslexia and you gave them the wrong plans , or tell them you used a bogus tape measure - heck , you can say it was one that I gave you , from Texas , and everybody knows that things are bigger in Texas . It won 't matter , the point is , by then the barn will meet the planning regulations , the bats will be back asleep and they 'll have no reason to fine you . " And so it was decided . Martin took charge of the arrangements as if he were planning a military campaign . George made a list of who had the necessary tools we could borrow and I took photos of the barn from every angle , to be sure that we could make the new sides look just like the old . Lucy posed in all the photos , so that anybody watching would think we were just taking holiday pictures , and I took her to visit all the families we engaged to help us , using the pretext of showing my friend around the neighbourhood . Everybody we asked was more than willing to help , in fact they would do anything to get one over the council . On the night of the barn raising , our friends turned up quietly , in ones or twos , some of them using the excuse of dropping their kids at Jimmy 's house to sneak up the back lane to our place , while others drove up and hid their cars behind the barn . George had assembled the tools during the week and they all got to work , following Martin 's plan . I had been doubtful about their being able to build and reposition four walls in one night , not to mention keep the roof from falling in , but after a couple of hours I had to admit that Martin had it all under control . Slowly the first new wall went up . As soon as Martin had tested that it was bearing the weight of the roof , some people began to remove the original , outer wall while another group started building the second new wall . Lucy and I passed the siding boards over to George , who positioned them back in the same order on the outside of the new wall . A few bats swooped down over our heads , no doubt curious as to what we were up to , but they soon flitted off into the night . At midnight Sarah Stiles brought us all steaming mugs of hot chocolate and fresh rolls which we devoured like savages . She reported that Jimmy 's party was in full swing , with the kids gladly playing their part and their music at maximum volume . The local constable , one of George 's oldest friends , who knew what we were up to , had obliged by turning up in a squad car with the light flashing , and had given the kids a stern warning , while winking at Jimmy 's mother , who had seen Old Mrs . Nash 's curtain twitch . By then we had done the wall facing her house , so we were confident that we could get the rest of the job done without being seen . I was about to protest when I saw him wink at me , and he pointed to Mrs . Nash and her car , and only then did I realise what he was up to . It took some persuading for Mrs . Nash to allow Kevin into her car and even then we had to drive with all the windows open to blow away the smell of beer , so I hoped that the smell of cat would also be blown away . By the time we had carried Kevin into the emergency department it was mid morning , and I was sure that George and Martin would have finished the barn resizing , so I thanked Mrs . Nash for her trouble and invited her to come by later to see how Kevin was doing , but she gave one last sniff in his direction and said she would be on her way . December 2 , 2013 10 : 49 pm / Leave a comment Some might say it is a weakness , and Sadie calls it her hobby , but to Howard the collection of garden gnomes that surrounds him is an obsession . There are gnomes along the path , on the front steps , in the flower beds , on the window ledges , in the pond ; there is even a gnome umbrella stand in the hall . At first Howard thought it was amusing when Sadie bought a new gnome but when she had over a dozen and showed no signs of stopping he no longer saw the funny side . Howard has his own weakness : he enjoys the occasional cigar , a habit he began in his teens and which he has not been able to shake . Sadie won 't allow him to smoke in the house so he usually paces up and down the porch , inhaling the warm smoke and enjoying the brief feeling of calm . When it is raining he retreats into the garage and cleans his tools , which is almost as relaxing as the smoking . Howard lights a cigar now and looks at the gnome . The red paint on the pointed hat looks brand new , and the black boots are just as shiny , as if the little man himself had polished them . Howard puts the end of his lighted cigar against the toe of one boot and watches the paint blister and peel off , then he shakes his head and stops himself . Although he hates the gnomes , if somehow feels like torture , and Sadie would be upset if she saw him . As he puts out his cigar , saving the rest for another day he notices that the gnome 's toe is visible under the paint and it is not white , but a shiny yellow colour . Howard takes a match from the shelf and uses it to carefully scrape away some more of the paint , revealing a distinct golden boot . His heart thumping wildly , Howard scrapes the paint from the gnome 's white beard , and discovers gold underneath there too . He picks at several other places on the gnome and each time discovers gold under the paint , then he stands back and looks at the little creature . ' Worth its weight in gold ' suddenly has a new meaning . Just as suddenly , it dawns on Howard that somebody put the gnome in his garden and therefore it is likely that somebody will want it back . What if the gnome is not under the rhubarb when the owner comes back ? Would they break into the house , tie him and Sadie up and demand their gnome back ? Could Howard claim it was now his gnome as it was on his land ? At the door he pauses . Should he take the scales out to the gnome , or bring the thing into the house ? Either way , Sadie will think he is mad , but perhaps he can hide the scales better than the gnome . " Gee , Sadie , don 't creep up on me like that , " he says , pushing the basket between the gnome and the scales . " I 'm trying to work out how dense this soil is , and whether it is right for the rhubarb . " He knows this sounds ridiculous but Sadie just shakes her head and moves back to her weeding , so Howard quickly weighs the gnome then goes back inside to the computer . After a bit more research Howard discovers that he needs to know if the gnome is solid gold , or just gold plate on something else . It feels heavy enough , but perhaps the gold is covering another metal . He looks out of the window and sees that Sadie is talking to the neighbour over the fence . Howard gathers up the bin and the hose , nods to Mrs . Fitch and hurries back inside , wondering if she will tell Sadie about Howard 's garden manual . This whole thing is becoming too much ; perhaps he should have thrown the gnome out after all . He puts the bin back in the garage and relights his cigar , inhaling deeply until clouds of smoke swirl around his head and he feels himself relaxing . " Whatever has got into you , Howard ? " Sadie asks as they sit down to dinner . " I 've never seen you so interested in your vegetables . Are you entering a competition or something ? " After supper , Howard takes a stroll around the garden , enjoying his final smoke , and making sure that the gnome is still in place , although he is not sure what he would do it if were gone . He checks on it again from the window before going to bed and wonders whether he should tell anybody about the golden gnome . Perhaps he should report it to the police , but then , there is no proof it is stolen property . " I said , are you quite well ? You 're behaving very strangely today . Perhaps you had too much sun yesterday , with all the work you did on your rhubarb ? " Sadie sniffs , as if she does not think the rhubarb merited such attention and Howard opens out the paper to the financial section and gives it a loud thwack to straighten it , and to indicate that he is busy contemplating important matters . He looks at the paper and really tries to concentrate but it is no good ; all he can think of is that gnome and how it came to be in his garden . Finally , he decides to go and speak to the local police : they will know what he should do . As he walks home Howard worries that he should not have left Sadie alone with the gnome . What if the real owners show up and she does not know what they want ? What if somebody else knows about the gold and steals it ? He wishes he could smoke but he does not have his cigars with him . Instead he quickens his pace until he is almost running and nearly knocks into Mrs . Fitch coming out of her driveway . " Sadie ! Where are you ? " Howard bellows and runs into the house , but he cannot find her anywhere , not even in the bathroom where she usually spends her mornings . " Hello , Police ? I was just down there with you reporting a gnome but now it 's gone and so 's my wife . Yes , I did fill out the form , in triplicate . I think they took her because the gnome is solid gold , but she doesn 't know that . " As Howard speaks he looks wildly around , trying to see if anything else is gone , but he is too flustered to think . What if they demand a ransom for Sadie ? What will he do ? Howard puts the phone down , hoping the police will come soon , and goes into the garage to find his cigar . He really needs a smoke after that shock ; not only losing the gnome , but Sadie too . He puts the cigar in his mouth but does not light it , thinking instead of the little gnome 's shiny boot and the way the paint peeled off it . " Howard ? Come in here and take your medicines . I returned that gnome to the Martins ; their lad admitted to leaving it here for a prank . And the police said you were down there bothering them again . Don 't you know I always pop out in the mornings ? " Howard sighs . He remembers all the plans he had for spending the gold . Now he 'll have to come up with a new plan to escape from Sadie and the gnomes . November 24 , 2013 11 : 12 am / Leave a comment I wrote this story for a competition where the last sentence had to contain the words walked the pier again so I decided to give that phrase a specific meaning . ' Walking the pier ' they called it , but everybody knew what it really meant . In the old days an elder would go out into the forest , or perhaps take a canoe , and never return from that final journey which was presumed to end somewhere in the shadow lands with the spirits of the ancestors . But canoes were valuable and these days the people could not afford to lose one each time an elder went on their final journey while over time the white men came and cut down the forests , building large houses and roads instead . So now the elder would walk the pier instead . The white men built the pier , a long wooden walkway on stilts that stretched out over the sharp rocks into the waves towards the sunset . It had no purpose , as far as the people could see , for who would walk all that way for some food when ice cream or fish and chips could be bought on the promenade ? However , it was popular . In summer time the children jumped off the pier , shrieking with mock terror and waving their arms like fledglings before plunging into the icy water , while the hobby fishermen watched over their lines and occasionally landed something , drawing oohs and aahs from the assembled crowd as the poor fish flapped its life away on the boards of the pier , but the people knew that the best fish was still to be found way out in the bay . " How can you profess sanctity for life and then cut down all the trees ? " she asked but nobody gave her an answer . Only White Feather spoke to her of the need to adapt and to take note of the world around her . He told her stories of the trees he played in as a young boy , trees that gave way to schools and a hospital . The moon was bright , but brighter still shone the lamps the white man had placed along the street , casting circles of light even though there was nobody around to see . Sings Softly moved around the pools of amber , keeping to the shadows in case anybody should be watching . While she was still some distance from the pier she could see the gates , shut tightly across the front of the pier , but there was no sign of White Feather . As she neared the pier she slowed down and looked around but still she saw nothing ; then a scraping sound caught her attention . She shielded her eyes from the street lights and looked out across the water . Something was moving , part way along the pier , and as she watched she saw a shape clutching one of the posts . White Feather must be walking out into the water , using the posts of the pier as a guide , to get around the gates . " Huh ? Who 's there ? Long Arm ? " White Feather sounded confused , calling on his brother to help him , but he must have felt when his coat was released and he stretched out his arms in front of him , moving his legs slowly , feeling for the rocks under water . She pulled White Feather back towards the shore , holding his frozen hands and guiding him around the underwater rocks . Once they emerged from the icy water she found her cloak and wrapped it around him . White Feather reached out to her and drew her to him in an embrace ; his body felt cold , but still strong . When he stopped shivering she led him up the slope to the top of the pier and let his hands feel the bolt cutters she had brought . His twisted fingers tightened over hers and he waited while she cut through the fastenings of the gate . He took her hand and they walked slowly along the pier , with only the creaking of the boards to mark their passing . A cloud drifted in front of the moon and the light dimmed on the water , making Sings Softly wonder if the way to the ancestors was closing . She began to hum a song that her mother had sung and beside her she could feel White Feather humming also . White Feather began to speak , recounting the names of his ancestors while Sings Softly hummed . After a while she felt a great calm coming over her and she closed her eyes , trying to commit White Feather 's face to memory . When she opened her eyes again she found she was alone at the end of the pier , her cloak lying discarded on the bare boards . Sings Softly stood for a long time looking out at the water , where small waves were breaking up the moonbeams , while the tears rolled down her cheeks . When the first tinges of dawn touched the edge of the sky she turned and walked back along the pier , stopping only to pick up the bolt cutters . She slipped back though the gate , pulling it closed then she walked slowly back to her house barely noticing the stirrings of the town with the early morning runners and the thrum of car engines warming up . Later that day somebody pulled a coat out of the water . A bright yellow coat with a whistle and pockets full of small wooden carvings . It was not long before a crowd gathered at the pier , followed by policemen and ambulances and reporters who gave a running commentary on the local radio shows , while the coast guard boat roared around the bay in a shower of spray . One month later , at the next full moon , Sings Softly went down to the pier at night and stood in front of the gates looking along the empty walkway stretching out towards the horizon and the golden pathway on the water beyond it . She had brought a handful of blossoms ; stretching her arm high she threw these over the gate and watched the petals flutter gently onto the wooden boards . Peering through the bars of the newly reinforced gate she thought she could make out the faint shape of White Feather , as he walked the pier again , for the last time , and she smiled . Post navigation ← Older posts Newer posts → Follow the Penguin via Email

Copyright © 2013 by Grant Bentley . All Rights Reserved . If any nice person , nasty person , place , event , happening , thing , or sport , seems familiar , it is purely coincidental . How often would you expect your mom to find you the perfect boyfriend ? I 'm thinking , not very often … actually not ever . At least not my mom . Hell , she couldn 't even pick out clothes I was willing to wear in the dark , never mind in the daylight . She was able to embarrass the living hell out of me on a regular basis though , which she did on a trip to the animal shelter . We were looking for a dog or puppy after my best friend of my fifteen years passed away . His name was Simon and he was a nineteen year old dachshund . " Oh my Goodness , " Mom exclaimed soon after we walked into the shelter , " He 's gorgeous . " I quickly looked over to see what dog or puppy she was looking at , only to find her looking at one of the young guys working at the shelter . She was right , he was gorgeous , but there was no way I wanted to be embarrassed into unconsciousness , so I tried to ignore her . However , knowing her , I didn 't have a hope in hell of that working . " Don 't you dare , " I warned her . I finally got her attention away from him and onto the dogs that we were supposed to be looking at . Of course , who should come over to help us … him . " Can I help you ? " he asked . " Thanks , " he responded . Then after a short hesitation he asked , " So what are you most interested in , a dog or a puppy ? " " I guess a small to medium size dog , " I replied , " We don 't want a breed that 's too hyper and high maintenance but one that has some spark and enjoys being active . " " That 's Leo . He 's a Lhasa Apso , " he replied , " And he 's probably exactly what you are looking for . He 's a year old and was brought in the day before yesterday . His owner went into a seniors residence and had to give him up . " As soon as he heard his name , he perked right up and came to the front of his enclosure . I walked over and stuck my fingers through the wire to pet his nose . Daniel opened the door and let him out . When he did , Leo came right to me . There seemed to be an instant bond between us . After petting him and fussing over him for several minutes , it was settled . Leo would be my new best friend . When I pulled the leash out of my pocket , he immediately stepped up beside me and then sat looking up at me , waiting for me to put it on . As soon as it was on , he stood , looked up at me , then looked at the door , then back up at me , and his tail began to wag double time . We signed all the papers , paid the kennel fees and stuff , and were ready to go . In fact , Leo was more than ready to go . He was obviously very well trained though , because he didn 't make a move towards the door . He stood patiently beside me , his eyes darting from me to the door and back again . However , even though he was behaving and standing next to me , he made sure he was between me and the door . Of course Mom wasn 't done yet either . " You have our address and phone number , " she said to Daniel , " You must come by and visit Leo . I 'm sure he would be excited to see you . " Once again , I was about ready to die of embarrassment and blushed quite nicely . Especially when Daniel replied that he thought it would be a great idea . I gave him my cell number . He grabbed his cell phone and programmed it in and then gave me his number which I obligingly programmed into my cell phone . " See ya later , " he said grinning , as we headed for the door . If Leo hadn 't been so excited about getting out of the shelter , I think I might have been giving Mom some serious crap by the time we got to the car . However , his excitement was contagious , and I was just too happy to have him bouncing along beside me to be angry with Mom . On the way home , Leo sat on my lap and watched out the window . As soon as we turned into the driveway , he stood up and his tail started wagging . It was like he knew that this was his new home . Once in the house and off his leash , he looked at me for a few seconds like he was asking permission . When I smiled at him , he slowly and carefully began exploring the house . When he got to my door , once again his tail began to wag . I guess he knew it was my room from my scent . He did a particularly thorough job of checking out every nook and cranny of the room . After investigating the house , I took him out to the back yard . As soon as we stepped off the deck , he rolled around in the grass before running all over the yard . I don 't think he had a big back yard in his previous home because he was so excited as he ran around exploring . I found Simon 's ball and after nearly half an hour of fetch , he ran over to the far corner of the yard and did his business . Then he ran back to the patio doors and went straight to the kitchen and sat down in front of the sink . I got the hint , filled Simon 's water bowl , and set it down for him . He drank over half of it before he went back to my room and curled up on the mat beside my bed for a nap . A nap seemed like a good idea , so I stretched out on my bed and was soon sleeping soundly . I managed to get in a nice hour before my cell phone ringing woke me up . I didn 't recognize the number at first . After the third ring , I dawned on me . It was Daniel 's number . I hit ' talk ' and cautiously said , " Hi Daniel . " When I mentioned the back yard , he said Leo would probably love it . His previous owner lived in a high - rise so the only time he was outside he was on his leash going for walks . " I just realized I live not all that far from you , I 'm on 15th avenue just off 19th street , " he said . " Well as far as I 'm concerned you are out to one more person , " he said , " I have no intention of changing that . And before you ask , yes I am . And I 've been out since early last year . " " Yeah I know what you mean , " he replied , " That 's a big one . What 're you doing later ? Cause I think you need someone to talk to . Someone who 's been there . " " I 'm not doing anything actually , " I said , " And I 'd really appreciate someone to talk to . Thanks . " " Okay , how about after dinner ? " he suggested . " I can come over to see how Leo 's doing , " he added with a chuckle . About 6 : 30 , he was knocking on the door . I quickly invited him in . He made a fuss over Leo , I offered him a Coke , and we went out to the deck . Mom actually behaved herself and left us alone , which surprised me . I think we talked about everything about being gay , from first figuring it out to now what do I do . In the end , I felt much more comfortable . First , I now had someone to confide in , which was very cool . Second , all the fears that had been running rampant in my mind were out in the open . Not just out in the open , but talked about , and , I guess not surprisingly , many proved to be totally invalid . Daniel and I got together a lot and we soon became very good friends . A few times I sat with him and his friends at lunch in the cafeteria . The first time I did , he introduced me to Michael , his boyfriend . That was a touch disappointing but I can 't say I was surprised . When you are genuinely caring and thoughtful , look like Daniel , and are out , it would have been strange if he didn 't have a boyfriend . They had been together since before freshman year and not surprisingly , Michael was just as awesome as Daniel and helped me a lot as well . Mom was thrilled that I had someone to talk to in Daniel . Of course , she was not particularly thrilled when she found out he had a boyfriend . Her attempt to find me the perfect boyfriend had failed . At least this time . But she was very impressed with Michael when she met him and felt he would be just as good a friend for me as Daniel . As she said , " You can never have too many supportive friends . " About a month after meeting Daniel , one of my friends , Graham , approached me . I was walking home from school when he called to me . " Hey Liam ! " he called out , " Wait up ! " Graham was the class clown . He had something to say about everything and was very seldom serious about anything . He was also one of my favourite people . In fact he was one of everyone 's favourite people including the teachers . During the ten minute walk to my place we talked a little about our English assignment . I invited him over for a Coke and to meet Leo . After playing with Leo for almost an hour , that is until Leo was exhausted and curled up in a corner of the deck after a long drink of water . I grabbed another couple of Cokes and Graham and I stretched out on the grass watching the clouds float by . I was pretty sure I knew where this conversation was going , but I wasn 't sure I was ready for it yet . Then I thought about it and realized we had both pretty much said it as we talked about Daniel and Michael helping us . In the next few seconds , I decided that I had been hiding who I was for far too long and had the distinct impression Graham had been too . And , since he had approached me , maybe he was ready to trust one more person … me . As scary as it seemed , I decided to go for it and hope I was right . If not , I would be outing myself … but I did still have Daniel and Michael to lean on . " So does Mom , but sometimes she gets carried away , " I said , " Like at the animal shelter . She totally outed me to Daniel . It was so embarrassing . " He rolled onto his side , looked at me and grinned , " Thank God my mom hasn 't done that to me … yet . " And that was it . I now had a gay friend who was also a freshman , was someone I really liked , and who was not dating anyone . At least I hoped he wasn 't . We ordered a couple of large meat - lovers specials and spent a good hour nibbling on pizza and just talking about anything and everything . Especially about the ' gay thing ' . The next morning at school , Daniel and Michael saw us walking together down the hall . They saw us eating lunch together , and , after school , they saw us walking towards Graham 's together . When we got to Graham 's house , Daniel 's car was parked in front of his house , but he and Michael were sitting on Graham 's front porch . Graham invited them in , grabbed some Cokes and we went out onto their back deck . We chatted for about an hour before it was time for dinner and homework . Since Graham 's mom and dad would be home from work soon and unexpected guests were not their favourite thing , I left with Daniel and Michael . When I got home , I had a very happy Leo to entertain in the back yard until dinnertime . When I mentioned Graham to Mom over dinner , she got almost as hyper as Leo did when I picked up his ball . She wanted to know everything about him . When I told her that she had already met him and that he had been over with the other guys several times , she made me describe him at least three times so she could figure out which one he was . Finally in frustration , she said , " All your friends are tall and slim , have their ears pierced , and have brownish - blond spiky hair . " I was about halfway through my math homework when my cell phone rang . It was Graham and he was calling partly because his Mom wanted to invite me to their place for dinner on Friday , but mostly because he wanted to chat . When I told him Mom wanted to invite him over to our place too , he asked me to hang on for a minute . When he came back , he said his Mom was inviting both of us over . Then laughing , he said that if we have all the parents together at the same time , they 're more likely to behave themselves and not ask embarrassing questions . I had to agree with him . We talked for another half hour before his Mom asked him if he had his homework finished . That finished our conversation and we were both back to doing our homework . Of course , a good homework session isn 't complete without a having a ball dropped on your foot twenty times , followed by a rousing game of fetch on the backyard . Mom and I did make it to Graham 's for dinner on Friday and it was a very pleasant evening . He was right , they did behave themselves and nothing embarrassing happened . Mom had them over to our place too and again , it was a good time for all of us . By the time Graham was at my place alone with Mom and me , or I was at his place alone with him and his folks , there were no embarrassing questions to ask . As for Graham and I , walking to school together quickly became part of our routine . That , and stopping at my place to play with Leo , doing our homework together , eating dinner at his place or mine , spending weekends together , hiking , going to the theatre , or just hanging out . We had our alone time too , but most of the time you would find us together . Quite often we were with Daniel and Michael , especially at school . Naturally , considering we were already good friends , had tons of things in common , and were spending that much time together , we couldn 't help but become closer . It was four weeks to the day that we officially , to us , and to Daniel and Michael , became a couple . We weren 't quite ready to come out to the whole world . At least we didn 't think we were . However a couple of weeks after we ' officially ' became boyfriends , our relationship became a topic at lunch one day . It was just Graham , me , Shelly , and Todd at the table that day . We were boyfriends and although we maybe weren 't exactly aware of it when we sat down , we were apparently ready to let some people know , specifically , two of our closest friends . It took a while before Shelly looked at us and said , " You two have been spending a lot of time together lately . " " Well duh . You were pretty obvious , so yeah , " Shelly replied grinning . " You can 't hide shit like that from your friends , " Todd said laughing , " We know you way too well . " As we were leaving school that afternoon , we ran into Daniel and Michael and told them about our lunch hour chat . We both got a hug as they told us they just knew things would work out for us . It was kinda cool actually . We were now an out couple . The second out couple in school , so we were right up there with Daniel and Michael . Well maybe not quite , as we were only out to our friends , not the whole school . But we were on our way . Getting hugs from the two of them in front of the school wouldn 't hurt our coming out one bit either . As we were walking away , we overheard some kid saying something about fags . He barely finished the word fag , when four of our friends , Todd , Reg , Smitty , and Lane , as well as Daniel and Michael had him and his buddy surrounded . " Trust me . I ain 't got no problem with no one , " the kid replied as he slipped past Todd and Reg , and quickly walked away . " I think I 'll suggest he sign up for remedial English next time I see him , " Todd said with a chuckle . I should mention that both Smitty and Lane are on the school 's football team and also play hockey for one of the cities elite minor league teams . Reg is captain of the junior basketball team and stands at 6 ' 7 " . So they are not guys you want to mess with . With that said , except for Daniel and Michael , who headed for Daniel 's car and then work at the animal shelter , we were ready to head home . We were immediately joined by Shelly , Linda , and Karen and the nine of us started walking towards home . People gradually split off from group as we passed their streets . In the end , it was just Graham , Reg , and me . As we were walking past my place , I invited Reg in for a Coke . As soon as we each had a Coke and a bag of chips , we went out onto the deck . Of course Leo was more than a little excited . He had three people to play with and didn 't waste any time finding his ball . We took turns throwing the ball for him as we tried to carry on a conversation between throws . We hadn 't been there more than ten minutes when a voice from next door called my name . It was Ian , our neighbours ' twelve - year - old . His dad wouldn 't let him have a dog , so he had become a regular visitor since I got Leo . I walked over and looked over the fence . He was gone in a flash and by the time I had walked into the house and across the living room , he was already at the door . I let him in and he followed me into the backyard . The next time Leo came running up with his ball , Ian grabbed it and ran out onto the lawn with Leo right behind him . The two of them were soon tearing up the backyard and the three of us were able to carry on a conversation without being interrupted every thirty seconds . Ian 's mom did come out and look over the fence to watch them . After a few minutes , she gave us a big grin and a wave before going back into the house . Part of our conversation revolved around Graham and me . It was kinda funny because Reg thought it was totally cool that two of his friends were a gay couple . It also made us feel totally at ease . Not only did our friends accept us but they thought it was cool . After Reg left , the two of us talked about how silly we were to have doubted our friends . It wasn 't long before Leo made his way onto the deck , had a big drink of water , and flopped down by my feet . " You guys , " he replied , " You love each other … like girlfriend and boyfriend … except your both boyfriends . Right ? " " Uh , " I started , not sure how to answer exactly , since he was only twelve . " And I didn 't decide I want a boyfriend when I get older , " he said to Graham , " that 's just the way it is . You know that . And please don 't say I 'm only twelve so ' what do I know ' . Dad tried that and it didn 't work for him so it won 't work for you . I just know . Okay ? " Since Graham and I were on our own , we made our way into the kitchen and did what any self - respecting young guys would do . We picked up the phone and ordered two large meat - lovers pizzas . Half an hour later , we were sprawled out on a couple of recliners on the deck with tall glasses of Mom 's juice , working our way through a very tasty dinner . We both commented on how the thing with Ian was actually kinda neat . We had Daniel and Michael to lean on and now Ian had Graham and me to lean on . We both also realized that we would have to be very thoughtful and protective with him . It was a few days later when Graham and I were playing fetch with Leo in the back yard when Ian 's dad came out and walked over to the fence . Graham and I immediately walked over with Leo right behind us , jumping up and down with his ball . " Hi , " we both said . " I thought I should let you know though , " he said , " And if you 're not out , don 't worry . We 're not about to tell anyone . We explained to Ian that he can 't go around outing guys unless they tell him it 's okay , or himself for that matter . There are too many haters and bullies out there . But mainly , I just wanted to tell you boys I 'm glad Ian has the two of you to talk to , " he said , " Marie and I love him unconditionally and we 'll support him in any way we can , but we won 't be much help when it comes to answering some of the questions he 'll have . " Just then , Ian came flying out of the house and over to the fence . " Hi guys , " he said before asking , " Does Leo have his ball ? " " Yes he does , " I replied as his dad picked him up and lifted him over the fence . Instantly he and Leo were off chasing all over the yard . " He wouldn 't be over here if I had any doubt of that , " he said with a smile , " And thanks boys . I 'm sure he 'll need you , especially as he gets a little older . And , if you have any questions or any issues don 't be afraid to talk to us either . Okay ? " That was also our que to fire up our bar - b - que as Mom had steaks marinating in the fridge all day and would be home anytime now . I no sooner had the bar - b - que lit when I heard Mom 's car pull into the driveway . Graham and I met her in the kitchen . After we both got a quick hug , we were helping get everything together for the bar - b - que . Graham got the job of getting the potatoes ready for baking . Mom started building a salad and I got the corn on the cob ready . We were just heading for the deck when Ian came bounding in and announced he had to go home and get cleaned up for dinner . A half hour after starting the potatoes , we put the corn on . Then a few minutes later , Graham and I were ready to start the steaks . Now I 'm no expert at bar - b - queing steaks . In fact I 'm clueless , especially since Graham likes his medium rare , I like mine medium , and Mom like hers medium well . So I immediately turned things over to Graham . Mom 's went on first . Then a few minutes later mine went on and a few minutes after that , Graham 's went on . I watched carefully as Graham moved and flipped them . Then he poked them with a fork and somehow seemed to know how done they were . His came off first , then mine and then Mom 's , and they were done just right . I still have no clue how he knew though . To say dinner was good would have been an understatement . It was amazing . The steaks almost melted in your mouth they were so tender . And the flavour … wow ! Not only was the food wonderful but so was the conversation . We talked about everything and anything , except school and work . In fact we talked well beyond finishing eating . Mom was quite surprised when we told her about Ian 's revelation and our chat with his dad . She said she was proud of us when we told her we would be his confidants and protectors . She said boys his age were too often left feeling scared and isolated when they began to realize that they were gay . We laughed when we reminded her that Ian was not like most boys . He had no qualms about being gay or about saying so . Our first opportunity to support our little friend came sooner than we anticipated . One day as we were tossing the ball for Leo , Ian came over to the fence . I was shocked when I saw him . He had a black eye and a cut lip . " What happened ? " I asked him . A good half hour later as Leo collapsed on my left foot and Graham had a glass of juice for Ian , we asked him again about his black eye and the bully who gave it to him . We also learned that it wasn 't likely his school principal would be very helpful , even if his dad did raise hell . Apparently some parents had pulled their kids out of the school because the bullying ' problem ' wasn 't a bullying ' problem ' in his school . Just kids being kids . " Okay , if your principal won 't do anything , then maybe you need an escort to school tomorrow morning , " I suggested . Not only were Graham and I there to meet him , but Smitty , Lane , and Reg were with us . Since confronting the little creep on school property might not have been a good idea , we set ourselves up just a bit away from the school . We saw Ian come out the front gate and sure enough , before he made it ten feet down the sidewalk , some kid stepped in front of him . " I thought I told you we don 't want faggots like you here , " the kid shouted as the five of us moved in behind him . " You got a problem with our friend … dickhead ? " I asked loudly , causing him to spin around to face us . He just stood there with his mouth open for several seconds as he looked up … waaay up … to the angry scowl on Reg 's face . With that , I put my arm around Ian 's shoulder and we walked off , leaving Trevor standing there trying to sort himself out . It seems he had gone from being Ian 's persecutor to being Ian 's protector . Assuming he didn 't want to see us again that is . " Thanks guys , " Ian said grinning , " I think you almost made him pee himself . " Our plan worked though . Over the next month , not only had Trevor left him alone , but twice he had warned other guys to leave him alone . Needless to say , Ian was no longer nervous about going to school . But that 's not the good part … or maybe the weird part . Apparently while protecting Ian , Trevor had got to know him and they had become friends , or that 's the way is seemed . One afternoon , probably a couple months after our chat with Trevor , Graham and I were entertaining Leo in the back yard when who should come wandering out onto the deck next door ? Yep , Ian and … Trevor . As per usual , Ian came bounding over to the fence . Trevor followed rather slowly with his head down , looking very nervous . " Can we play with Leo ? " Ian asked excitedly … already knowing the answer . I got a very quiet , " Hi , " in return , before he quickly followed Ian , who was already halfway across the back deck . Two minutes later , both boys were chasing around the yard playing keep - away with Leo , who seemed to be enjoying this new game as much as the usual throw and fetch . It didn 't take Trevor long to get into the game , although he still seemed a little nervous and glanced our way every few minutes . It wasn 't too long before Leo and both boys were ready for a rest . Leo was busy emptying his water dish as I asked the boys if they wanted some juice . " Sit back and relax , " I said to him as I handed him a large glass of juice . He cautiously sat back and sipped his juice . Ian , on the other hand , was totally relaxed and was soon chatting about his day at school and anything else that came to mind which for him could have been anything from Kim picking her nose and eating it to the threat of nuclear war . Finally Graham couldn 't take the suspense anymore . We had spent a over half hour watching the bully and the bullied chasing each other and Leo all over the yard . He started off by asking Trevor how he was doing . After several more seconds , he looked at me with a tear in his eye , and said , " My dad would kill me if he knew . He won 't allow me to be like this . I tried really , really hard not to … but I can 't help it … I like Ian . " Okay , it seems things with Ian were getting more interesting by the day and it seemed , just maybe , that things with young Trevor might be getting more interesting as well . " So your dad doesn 't allow you to have friends ? " Graham asked a little ' tongue in cheek ' . " Thanks , " was his simple reply . That , and a big smile , as we saw him noticeably relax . We talked some more about Trevor 's home life and fears before we got into some nice easy - going , fun , chatter . After about an hour , he announced that he had to go home for dinner and homework . Ian stuck around for about a half hour more until his mom stepped out on their deck and called him for dinner too . That was also Graham 's que to head for home , but not before we discussed the fact that Trevor 's situation sounded pretty scary and he may need us more than Ian . Ian didn 't care who knew and had his parent 's love and support . Trevor didn 't want anyone to know and was terrified of his father finding out . He was convinced there would more likely be violence than support . Things seemed to be going well with the boys and they were now Leo 's regular playmates . He would light up at the sound of their voices and race to wherever he had left his ball . Graham and I had quickly become a side attraction to fill in time until his real buddies showed up . I was still the one he turned to however when his water dish was empty or his food dish , and either Graham or I were still his cuddle buddies when he was tired and needed someone to sleep on . Unfortunately , it wasn 't more than about a month later we had a terrified Ian banging on our front door . Trevor 's dad had heard him talking on the phone to Ian . When he grabbed the phone to tell the ' girl ' Trevor was talking to that Trevor hadn 't finished his homework yet , he totally freaked when he heard a boy 's voice on the other end . Since their conversation had been more than just friendly chatter , Ian was sure Trevor 's dad was going to kill him . We immediately set out running towards Trevor 's home . In the mean time , after his dad stormed out of the house because he needed a drink , Trevor was slowly picking himself up off the floor . We were almost to his place when we met up with a battered , bruised , and crying Trevor as he was trying to make his way to Ian 's . Since he was having trouble walking , Graham and I helped him the rest of the way . Ian 's folks weren 't home yet so we took him to my place . Mom was home when we got there and she was all over him in an instant , fussing , cuddling , making an icepack for his eye , and cleaning up blood . She had me phone 911 to get the police and an ambulance . He was beaten badly enough that she was afraid of internal injuries , broken ribs , or a concussion . It was a fight , but Ian stayed with me while Mom went to the hospital with Trevor . As soon as Ian 's mom got home , he was freaking out all over the place and scared her half to death . Once I explained what was going on , we were on the way to the hospital as well . A half hour later , we were in emergency at the Foothills and talking to the police . Ian filled them in about his part , then Graham and I , and finally Mom . As there was no parent there , and the parent was apparently the reason he was there , the police authorized whatever care he needed . In the meantime , Ian was going nuts waiting . An hour later , he was admitted for a couple of days for observation and almost immediately Ian , and his mom and dad were in his hospital room talking to him . When Ian 's mom and dad came out , Mom , Graham , and I waited for a bit to allow Ian some time with him . Once Ian 's mom and dad convinced him that Trevor would be okay , and that they needed to let him rest for while , they went downstairs for something to eat . The rest of us entered the room and talked to him for a few minutes . As we were talking , a social worker showed up . As soon as the social worked started to talk group home , I spoke up and made my opinion of gay kids in a group home quite clear . When the social worker replied that there was no other choice under the circumstances , I looked at Mom . " He can 't be put in a group home Mom , " I said , " They 'll make his life hell . Couldn 't he stay with us . We have a spare room and I always wanted a little brother . " The social worked gave us a big smile and replied it most certainly was . She would have to do a quick check to make sure Mom and Dad were safe to foster kids and Trevor would be ours . She phoned someone . I don 't know who it was but she asked them for an eligibility check on Mom and Dad . Within a half hour , they phoned her back and I had a new little brother . I also got a big teary hug from Trevor . When we appeared downstairs and told them Trevor would be living with us , Ian almost fell off his chair he was so excited . Once he regained his balance , I got a hug , then Graham , and finally Mom . Since we were all hungry , we sat down with Ian and his folks and had something to eat before we headed home . Trevor was fairly quiet the first few days . He set the table , he cleared the table , he did the dishes , he swept , he vacuumed , he dusted , he washed the floor , and you name it . The house had never looked so clean . Finally , after three days , mom sat him down and explained to him that , as much as we appreciated everything he was doing , he was now part of the family and he didn 't need to be doing everything . We all had chores to do . Not just him . He just wrapped his arms around Mom 's neck and cried his little heart out . As I sat there , I couldn 't help but wonder how hard his life must have been with an abusive asshole like his father obviously was . He had suffered more in his thirteen years than most people do in a lifetime . Justice was done however . His wish came true and he did become my permanent foster brother . His dad was given a ten year sentence for attempted murder as a hate crime . The defence attorney fought to have the charge reduced to simple assault but the judge disagreed rather strongly . Of course they appealed the decision , all the way to the supreme court , but were shot down every time . Five minutes after the big hug , Ian knocked on the front door , Trevor wiped his eyes on his sleeve before answering it and as Ian walked in , Leo was bouncing up and down like a yoyo . Seconds later they were all three dashing across the deck to see who could get to Leo 's ball first . Of course , Leo did , and the chase was on . It wasn 't long before Graham showed up . After a quick kiss , we grabbed a Coke each and went out onto the deck . " I definitely think we 've been replaced , " he said laughing as the boys and Leo tore up the back yard . " I had a dachshund when I was thirteen , " I replied , " I didn 't need that much energy . Speaking of which , you knew how hyper Leo was when you picked him out for me didn 't you ? " " If I remember correctly , you picked him out yourself , " Daniel said laughing . That was no sooner said when the boys staggered onto the deck and flopped onto the nearest lounge chair . Leo made his way over to his water dish , emptied it and flopped down by my feet . Graham disappeared into the house and a minute later had two big glasses of juice for the boys for which he got a big , " Thank you . " As they lay there cuddled up sipping their juice , Michael grinned and remarked about how it 's not that often you see two kids that young who feel that close to one another , and how cute they looked together . Of course , we had to agree with him . When you looked at them , it was obvious there was a deep bond there . Thursday was Trevor 's first day back at school . Ian , being Ian , made no attempt to hide the fact that he and Trevor were now boyfriends . I 'm not sure Trevor was quite ready for that designation just yet , but he didn 't deny it or try to make light of it . He went right along with Ian . They certainly drew some attention , both negative and positive . When a couple of boys decided to make an issue of it , they discovered very quickly that Trevor wasn 't about to take their crap . Both boys were picking themselves up off the ground in a matter of seconds . That immediately put an end to any name - calling and any other bullying attempts . When the boys got home that afternoon , Graham and I got a play - by - play description of their first day as boyfriends at school including Trevor 's kicking Kirk and Tom 's asses . As we chatted , Leo sat patiently at Ian 's feet with his ball in his mouth , which was actually something new . The bouncing up and down and tail wagging was noticeably absent . That is until Ian 's hand came close to his ball . Then the game was on and stayed on until Ian 's mom called him for dinner . It was only a few minutes later that Mom called Trevor , Graham , and me in to get ready for dinner as well . When we walked into the kitchen I suddenly had a huge smile on my face . Sitting at the table was my dad . I immediately ran over and gave him a big hug as I asked him when he got back . He laughed and replied he 'd been back for about an hour . Of course Leo was right in there looking for his bit of attention . As soon as he was finished fussing over Leo , I introduced him to Graham and Trevor . Graham walked over and shook his hand and said , " Pleased to meet you , " and Dad returned his greeting . TrOnce were all sitting at the table and the food started it 's way around we soon got to chatting with Dad about his trip to China where he had been overseeing the building of a high rise office tower he had designed . He had been gone for three months and it was sure good to have him back . Being the kind of guy he is , he made sure he included Graham and Trevor in the conversation . The normally quiet Trevor actually surprised me as he started peppering Dad with questions about China . Questions Dad was more than happy to answer . Graham and I were able to get a few of our own questions in , in between Trevor 's . It was good to see Trevor so open and I think he saw my Dad as the dad he always dreamed of . A dad who cared and took the time to show he cared , who included him as part of the family just as he did Graham and me . As soon as dinner was finished we all helped clean up and moved to the deck with a coffee , Coke , or Pepsi . Not surprisingly , it was barely an hour before Ian was over with a glass of Mom 's juice in hand and right in the middle of the conversation . Even Leo had made himself comfortable on Dad 's lap and seemed to be paying attention . After hearing as much about China as Dad could tell us , he suggested we go into his office and he would hook his camera up to the computer and show us all the pictures he had taken . Ian asked if he could go get his mom and dad so they could see them too . When Dad told him he could , he was gone in a flash and five minutes later he was back with them right behind him . He had every one of us mesmerized in minutes as he went through his photos and told us about each one . Once he was done , Ian immediately wanted to know if , on their next vacation , his mom and dad would take Trevor and him to China . His dad just laughed and said maybe when they were older and had jobs , the four of them might be able to afford to go . We all moved to the deck as Mom and Ian 's mom put some coffee on and dug out some cookies and snacks . Ian and Trevor went to the fridge and poured themselves " The reason we 're asking you that Trevor is , we were wondering if you would prefer being our adopted son , " Dad said . He just stood there staring at them . In fact I thought he was going to faint or something . Finally he managed to squeak out a very faint , " Yes . " He and Mom and Dad were quickly in a mutual hug when the tears started and he got his voice back . " You have no idea how bad I want this . I even asked God once if He could make you my real mom and dad . " Two days later , he was officially Trevor James Wilson . I don 't think I 've ever seen a kid so happy . Within an hour , everything he owned that had his name on it , including his school notebooks , had his old name blacked out and Trevor Wilson written on them in very noticeably big clear printing . Later that evening , when I showed him my new ID bracelet with my name on it , he was quite impressed . When I showed him an identical bracelet with Trevor Wilson written on it , he hugged me so hard I had trouble breathing . He was literally vibrating when I put it on him , and he immediately had to run over and show Ian . It wasn 't long before Trevor and Ian had friends over . You could almost see Leo pout when they played catch and he didn 't get to play . Of course one of the boys would ' accidentally ' miss the ball and the chase was on once again . Not that it bothered me , but Leo gradually became Trevor 's dog , especially after I started university , as I wasn 't around that much . Trevor graduated from high school and went on to university . Like me when I was in university , he lives at home . Not surprisingly , at least to us , he and Ian stayed together throughout junior and senior high school and are still together today . Ian is in pre - med studying to become a doctor . Trevor is in education studying to become a teacher and counsellor . Graham and I are also still together and we have a dental practice in town where we 're doing very well . Daniel and Michael have opened a veterinary clinic and also run the animal rescue shelter where I found Leo . Leo is not quite as active as he used to be , but he can still tire us out when he gets going . Graham and I have a condo in a downtown high - rise close to our office . Daniel and Michael have a acreage just a few miles northeast of the city . On one of the few weekends we were all together at my parent 's home , the six of us were sitting around reminiscing . We laughed as we looked at Leo standing there with his ball in his mouth , tail wagging , and looking totally innocent . GrahamThanks to Colin for editing , prepping , and posting this story for me .

Published on Amazon ? If you have a book , e - book , or audiobook available on Amazon . com , we 'll promote it on WritingForums . org for free . Simply add your book to our Member Publications section . Add your book here or read the full announcement . I was thinking about it while I was posting in the idiosyncratic thread , and wondered if anyone else has any ghostly type stories , or things relating to the supernatural . My ghost story happened at our first apartment , an upstairs one bedroom in an 90 year old house . After we moved in there was this feeling , like we were being watched . Both my husband and I felt it . It felt like we were never alone in the apartment even if we were totally alone . One night we were in the bedroom , all the lights were off except for the little light in the kitchen . The bedroom was at the front of the house , the kitchen was at the back and the living room was in between the two . Laying in bed all quiet , we heard the floor creak , which was normal for an old house , then we hear a noise that couldn 't be explained . Our entertainment center was one of those big ones with a large glass door and magnetic clicking button to hold the door shut . When we turned the tv off that night the glass door was shut and clicked in . While laying in bed , we heard the glass door magnet click and the glass bump against the wall . I , of course , was freaking out . My husband jumped up flipped the light on , grabbed the shotgun and went into the living room , expecting to see someone in the house . He stopped in the doorway and just stood there for a few seconds . So I got out of bed and looked around him . The glass door was wide open and there was no one there . He went out and shut the door and we went back to bed . About ten minutes later , as we were starting to doze off , we heard it again . Again the door was wide open after we had clicked it shut . I don 't think either of us slept that night . About two weeks later , at night again , we were in the living room , television was off , and I had a little lamp on next to the couch reading a book . My hubby had fallen asleep next to me . I was starting to get tired so I put my book down on my chest and was staring at the black television screen . You know how if the TV is off and there is a light on in the room you can see a refSo what are your ghost stories ? I don 't have any stories like that , but just a couple days ago , we were hanging out at my brother 's house and the two of us started talking spooky stories . I had never heard of moth men before this , but he told me that supposedly they either appear to lead a person away from harm or they appear to lure a person to harm . Anyway , he told me a story about one of his friends who has seen one . The guy used to work as a truck driver , and the company he worked for delivered to dairy farms . Usually , when a trucking company got assigned to a dairy farm , that same company would deliver there for a good chunk of time . There was one farm , however , that kept getting shuffled through company after company . Finally , his company got assigned to it , and one of his coworkers started delivering there . A few months in , the guy went to his boss and told him he couldn 't deliver there anymore . Wouldn 't say why , just refused to go . My brother 's friend got assigned there instead . The farm was a little ways out there , and by the time he got to it , it was pretty dark , middle of the night . He said every time he went there , it gave him the willies . He didn 't know why , just being near the place creeped him out . But he continued to go , never saw anything weird , until one night he got there and had to use the bathroom . He was coming out of the bathroom , and there in the hallway he had to walk through to get back out to his truck was this huge guy with burning red eyes . He said his mind just couldn 't accept that he was seeing what he was seeing , and he stared straight ahead , wouldn 't look at it , and kept walking . The thing he saw filled up most of the hallway , and when he got to it , he just passed right through it . Didn 't look back . Didn 't run . Just kept walking , straight through the dairy to his truck , and drove away . After that , he started finding excuses to go to that farm later and later , until finally it got to the point that he was getting there a little after dawn . One day a little while later , he got there just after dawn , and there were police cars everywhere . It had been payday the day before , and one of the Mexican men who worked on the farm had been on his way home when a group of white guys jumped him , stole his money , and severely beat him . They made the guy swear not to tell who it was or they would kill him , and the police told my brother 's friend that he was lucky he hadn 't gotten there earlier . If he had been there on time , the group of guys probably would have just killed him to make sure he kept quiet . Hidden , did you ever see The Mothman Prophecies with Richard Gere ? It 's a freaky movie about that exact thing . It is like an urban legend kind of thing , but freaky nonetheless . I do have another one , from where I used to work . It 's an Inn up on the Chittenden Reservoir here in VT , called Mountain Top Inn . Now , before anyone ever told me any of the ghost stories , I had an experience while working the 3 - 11 pm shift at the front desk . There were two floors in the hotel , from the front desk ( in the middle of the hotel ) there were two wings , the north and the south wing . The north wing was new , it had been built after the fire . The south wing had survived the fire and had been refurbished . This hotel was a bit over 100 years old , having been a large farm before with Irish indentured servants and all . The entire older part of the hotel had just a creepy feeling to it , even during the daylight hours . It was Feb , during Presidents Week vacation ( one of our busiest seasons . ) There were only three rooms in the south wing that were empty , room 250 was one of them . 252 had a guest in it as did 248 . Both rooms called down at 10pm , within two minutes of each other , to complain about the radio being on in room 250 . I was 4 months pregnant with my son , but I was already big , it looked like I was carrying twins . So I waddled up to the second floor of the south wing . That upstairs hall always made the hair on the back of my neck stand up . I could hear the radio playing from the stairwell as I entered the hall . The room was about half way down the hall . I walked quickly down and unlocked the door . Every light in the room was on , which is not the way it is supposed to be , and the radio was blaring . I flipped the radio off , and noticed a depression on the bed , like someone was sitting there . Out of disbelief I ignored it and went in the bathroom to turn the lights off . The radio came back on , blaring again . As I walked towards the night stand I passed through a freezing spot near the bed , and I noticed the depression in the bedspreadI later found out that the south wing had been the servants quarters . And after it had been turned into a hotel , a man had committed suicide in room 250 by jumping out of the window landing three stories down ( because the basement was exposed on the back side ) and broke his neck dying instantly . I also had a real life creepy thing happen , while working there during the closed down off season . I would go in during the afternoon and print out reports and check messages for reservations for the fall . While I was there , someone called the hotel on the outside line and just sat there breathing into the phone . They called like six times before they finally said " I know you 're there alone . I 'm coming for you . " In a deep raspy voice . I was about 7 months pregnant and freaked out . I ran out of the hotel , locked the front door , hopped in my car and left . I called the manager and told them what happened and refuse to go back until the hotel opened again . I 've had too many ghostly experiences to totally dismiss them as imaginary . Which kind of irritates my rational mind . I don 't believe in organized religion , but I can 't say I don 't believe in ghosts and supernatural type beings . My aunt said that her room and my uncles room were where the children had slept . My uncle would consistently find his lighter missing . When he went to bed , he would put it on his bedside table , when he woke up it would either be under his bed which can be explained by him knocking it off , but other time he would find it on top of his wardrobe which was only a few inches shorter than the ceiling . My aunt would wake up at night and quite a few times has seen the figure of a lady standing at her bedroom door . It would never enter , just chill out at the doorstep . She says that it was never there to hurt her . It was almost as if it was watching over her . Hidden , did you ever see The Mothman Prophecies with Richard Gere ? It 's a freaky movie about that exact thing . It is like an urban legend kind of thing , but freaky nonetheless . I do have another one , from where I used to work . It 's an Inn up on the Chittenden Reservoir here in VT , called Mountain Top Inn . Now , before anyone ever told me any of the ghost stories , I had an experience while working the 3 - 11 pm shift at the front desk . There were two floors in the hotel , from the front desk ( in the middle of the hotel ) there were two wings , the north and the south wing . The north wing was new , it had been built after the fire . The south wing had survived the fire and had been refurbished . This hotel was a bit over 100 years old , having been a large farm before with Irish indentured servants and all . The entire older part of the hotel had just a creepy feeling to it , even during the daylight hours . It was Feb , during Presidents Week vacation ( one of our busiest seasons . ) There were only three rooms in the south wing that were empty , room 250 was one of them . 252 had a guest in it as did 248 . Both rooms called down at 10pm , within two minutes of each other , to complain about the radio being on in room 250 . I was 4 months pregnant with my son , but I was already big , it looked like I was carrying twins . So I waddled up to the second floor of the south wing . That upstairs hall always made the hair on the back of my neck stand up . I could hear the radio playing from the stairwell as I entered the hall . The room was about half way down the hall . I walked quickly down and unlocked the door . Every light in the room was on , which is not the way it is supposed to be , and the radio was blaring . I flipped the radio off , and noticed a depression on the bed , like someone was sitting there . Out of disbelief I ignored it and went in the bathroom to turn the lights off . The radio came back on , blaring again . As I walked towards the night stand I passed through a freezing spot near the bed , and I noticed the depression in the bedspreadI would have done far more than vomit , I think . Creepy ! There were so many other things in this hotel that creeped me out . The walk in fridge in the kitchen down stairs , the kind with the handle you have to pull out to open the door . . . Well when it was all dark in the kitchen and the staff had gone home for the night , the door would rattle and then it would sound like someone was pounding on it from the inside . There was a man that many of us saw who would walk around down near the bar , even when the hotel was totally empty . He was always seen out of the corner of your eye , so no one knew if they really saw him . I also had a real life creepy thing happen , while working there during the closed down off season . I would go in during the afternoon and print out reports and check messages for reservations for the fall . While I was there , someone called the hotel on the outside line and just sat there breathing into the phone . They called like six times before they finally said " I know you 're there alone . I 'm coming for you . " In a deep raspy voice . I was about 7 months pregnant and freaked out . I ran out of the hotel , locked the front door , hopped in my car and left . I called the manager and told them what happened and refuse to go back until the hotel opened again . I 've had too many ghostly experiences to totally dismiss them as imaginary . Which kind of irritates my rational mind . I don 't believe in organized religion , but I can 't say I don 't believe in ghosts and supernatural type beings . Click to expand . . . Edit : Oh , I forgot about the Mothman Prophecies question . No , I never saw it because it had the word moth in it , and I 'm desperately afraid of moths . I never knew what it was about until my brother was talking to me about Mothmen . My aunt said that her room and my uncles room were where the children had slept . My uncle would consistently find his lighter missing . When he went to bed , he would put it on his bedside table , when he woke up it would either be under his bed which can be explained by him knocking it off , but other time he would find it on top of his wardrobe which was only a few inches shorter than the ceiling . My aunt would wake up at night and quite a few times has seen the figure of a lady standing at her bedroom door . It would never enter , just chill out at the doorstep . She says that it was never there to hurt her . It was almost as if it was watching over her . Once when he was a kid , he was at home alone by himself . In a kitchen drawer , he found a harmonica . He started playing it , even though he had no idea how . He walked down the hall doing what was , in his mind , a kickass harmonica solo . At the end of the hall , he stopped playing . He swears that right then he heard a voice like an older black gentleman singing , right next to his ear , " Oooooooh yeeeaaaah . " No one ever believes me . Even if they pretend to , you can tell they don 't . They smile and nod and say things like , " Wow , that 's something else . " He stayed at his cousins house when he was younger , and his cousins kept telling him that they had ghosts , but he didn 't believe them . One time he was there and he fell off the swings or something and hurt himself . He said that night when he spent the night there something rubbed his arm . His cousin ( the mom ) still lives in the house , and we go there all the time . She tells us stories about what the ghosts do and did when her kids were younger ( the ones my hub played with ) . Apparently she has seen the ghost / ghosts many times . But , the only time I know of that the ghost actually did something dangerous , was when it wrapped a phone cord around her boyfrineds neck and ripped him off of her when they were getting frisky . The phone cord apparently ran under the bed , along the wall , and there was no way that could have happened other than the ghost . The cousin has also had a ghost party going on in her bedroom . She said she woke up one night and her room ws full of them . She just went back to sleep . She is just used to it . Her kids that lived there when they were younger refuse to go into the house alone or even spend the night there . THEY GREW UP IN THE HOUSE ! I am planning to go and spend the night there , just to see if anything happens . My 4 year old wants to go meet the ' baby ghost . ' I don 't know why he called it a baby . It 's funny . Ok , the last house we lived in , apparently a man died in one of the bedrooms at the end of the hall . Three bedrooms , one bathroom , and the living room lead off the hall . Straight out from the hall at the other end was a door that used to goto the garage , right after a staircase that led downstairs . Someone had converted the garage into a master bedroom , and that is where my husband and I slept . The only place I felt watched , or that someone was behind me , was in the hall . In any of the other rooms I felt safe . I would rush down the hall and go into our room and then stare down the hall expecting to see someone standing there watching me . My son when he was really small would stare out of the living room into the hall and laugh like someone was there . Our dogs would also look out into the hall , cock their heads , and then follow something down to the basement . My hub said on mulitple occations he heard foot steps on the stairs in the early morning after I had left for work . He also heard someone in the back room of the basement beating on something . He named the ghost Herbie . We didn 't really get very concerned . Nothing bad happened , just feeling like you were watched etc . Apparently the guy had really liked kids and had been a really nice man . I only worry about ghosts if there are doing something malicious . Okay guys , I saw this and I so had to post . You see , it seems that ghosts or spirits or whatever you want to call them , follow my family around . When I was a child my Grandmother 's house was haunted , I can remember hearing footsteps in the hall , seeing shadows , sometimes the closet door would open and I would be just terrified to move . Seriously creepy stuff went on there . When I was grown , my ex husband and I moved into an old farm house that was well over a hundred years old . It was beautiful with it 's wrap around porches and floor to ceiling windows . It was perfect except the strange crap that went on there . My daughter was only about three and I swear she heard stuff because late one night I was sitting alone with her in the living room . She was playing with her toys on the rug beside me . I looked down at her and she just stopped , dropped her doll , covered her ears and said , " shhhhh " very quietly . She seemed afraid and climbed on my lap shortly after . A few months later there was a storm , I peered through the blinds and as the lightening flashed I could make out the silhouette of a man standing there looking in , just as I jumped back the porch swing blew up and shattered the glass right where I was looking out . My oldest son , who was about ten , came running into my bedroom crying because he said something grabbed hold of his shoulder in the back of the kitchen . About two months later , after seeing an old woman standing in the kitchen , we moved out . That house had my friends afraid to come and visit us . I am not even going to go into what goes on in this house and it 's only five years old . I have never seen a ghost so no tales of any spooky personal encounters from me . But I have done several ghost tours . The most recent was of an old mental hospital near my Aunts house ; I won 't name the location since I 'm going to say some rather nasty things about it . Fresh , I 'm pretty sure we 're all somewhat believers in ghostly things , please , I know I 'd love to hear your stories . Most people don 't believe me when I tell mine either , they 're usually like , " OH , well you were just dreaming " when I tell them about the woman at my apartment . I finally did ask around at work , trying not to lead on stories , so I asked if they had experienced anything strange at the hotel . . . I got a lot of stories , between sightings , fax machines coming on and printing " I am here . " and other various things . I 'm glad I don 't work there anymore . Becca , sounds kind of like my ghost in my first apartment . Not really scary , but always feeling like you 're being watched . Chimmybear , That 's just creepy ! Has anyone ever tried to use a spirit board to contact the spirits , or a medium ? I 've used an old spirit board before , it wasn 't the kind Milton Bradley made , it was an actual wooden one with a carved pointer . It was freaky to say the least . I have no idea if the other girls were moving it , but it talked to us , said it 's name was Randolf and that it wanted to kill the living but couldn 't figure out how . It was very scary , but when dealing with a group of teenage girls ( this was back in the late 90 's ) I never knew if someone was just moving the pointer or if it was actually moving on it 's own . Everyone claimed to not be moving it and we were all freaked out , so much so we ran out of the attic and into the girl 's parent 's room . lol I do have a theory on non - interactive ghost appearances . Researching space - time and quantum physics , I think that they are just like on a loop . We see their energy performing the same tasks they performed while alive , because time isn 't linear but more like a wheel . However , I have no theory on interactive ghosts and spirits who actually do things to people or move things and stuff like that . I have no clue . Anyone have any theories ? I 'd be interested in hearing them . Same here . Has anyone ever tried to use a spirit board to contact the spirits , or a medium ? I 've used an old spirit board before , it wasn 't the kind Milton Bradley made , it was an actual wooden one with a carved pointer . It was freaky to say the least . I have no idea if the other girls were moving it , but it talked to us , said it 's name was Randolf and that it wanted to kill the living but couldn 't figure out how . It was very scary , but when dealing with a group of teenage girls ( this was back in the late 90 's ) I never knew if someone was just moving the pointer or if it was actually moving on it 's own . Everyone claimed to not be moving it and we were all freaked out , so much so we ran out of the attic and into the girl 's parent 's room . lolClick to expand . . . Growing up Mormon , I was taught that that kind of stuff was evil . . . so no , never did it . And now I would just be too scared to try it . : redface : I do have a theory on non - interactive ghost appearances . Researching space - time and quantum physics , I think that they are just like on a loop . We see their energy performing the same tasks they performed while alive , because time isn 't linear but more like a wheel . However , I have no theory on interactive ghosts and spirits who actually do things to people or move things and stuff like that . I have no clue . Anyone have any theories ? I 'd be interested in hearing them . Click to expand . . . Wellll . . . I guess I don 't really have any concrete theories on any of this . I grew up hearing about all these different kinds of good and bad spirits , so I 've always just thought that was why there are so many different kinds of sightings . Some people just feel a presence because that 's all that particular spirit is . Others actually see the presence , because it 's a different kind of spirit . And finally , some people actually have things done because it 's yet another spirit . ( note , only saying spirit because I couldn 't think of a better word to use ) It 's sort of like having different kind of printers . Just like a 3 - in - 1 printer can make copies but a plain old printer can 't , some spirits can do things , while others can 't . . . That 's not very clear , sorry . Oh , I thought of a story when I was going to bed last night . Not a very big thing , but one night , I was lying in bed , waiting for Joel to finish up in the bathroom and come to bed . I was lying on my side , with my back to the wall , and all of a sudden I felt someone run their fingers across my back . I thought it was Joel trying to scare me , but when I sat up and looked around , no one was there . Kind of freaked me out . A friend of mine ( Scooby ) lives in a house in the Old Northeast section of St . Petersburg . It 's a pretty big house , and one of the older houses in the area . When I first went there for a small party ( his parents were out of town ) , I didn 't know about anything that had happened in the house . I was dating a guy at the time , my first serious relationship . I lost my virginity that night in one of the upstairs rooms . I don 't know if that had anything to do with it . But when we came downstairs , one of the girls there was freaking out , and everyone else looked really solemn . Being me , I had to check it out . The back door is in the laundry area , and as soon as I went back there , I could tell something was wrong . It was freezing , and I felt the need to get out of there very very fast . It just felt like something was there that wanted very badly to hurt me . I ran back to the living room . Starting at the beginning , the man who built the house had apparently died before it was finished . While working on the stairwell , a beam had fallen and broken his ribs , puncturing his lungs . According to many accounts , there is a ghost in the grates in front of the stairs ( who I had experience with later ) who likes to reach up and trip people . I 've been told varying stories about the downstairs bathroom . One about someone overdosing on heroin , and another about a coathanger abortion . I don 't know if I believe either of those . Easily the most terrifying story , though , is the murder / suicide that happened there . At some point , I was told , a young couple bought the house . The wife became pregnant and had a baby . Months later , her husband came home to find her in their bed with one of the neighbors . He shot them both . Realizing that their child might belong to another man , he went into the baby 's room and suffocated it with a pillow . He went into the backyard , then , and shot himself . Other things happen in that house that I 've never received explanations for . There is a statue on the mantelpiece in the living room , the bust of a woman . By many accounts , it changes expressions . I remember watching TV on the couch one day , and I looked over to see the mouth of the statue moving , like it was talking to me , although I couldn 't hear anything . Scooby 's family claims to have attempted to get rid of it , and always have it find its way back to the mantelpiece . On a different night , some girls that Scooby had befriended came over to hang out with all of us . Two of them were into Wicca , and were really interested in exploring the house . While most of us were hanging out outside , they went up to the attic . Eventually , someone came out and warned us that they were up there , " messing with * * * * that they shouldn 't be messing with . " Scooby , quite upset by this , ran up there . After a few minutes , the girls came running down . I wondered where Scooby was . He appeared eventually , from around the back of the house , sprinting . He stopped about ten feet from me , looking around wildly . His eyes were wide , his mouth open , drooling . He looked right at me , then sprinted again . Before I could move , he ran straight into me . He hit my head so hard , it almost knocked me out . We were both on the ground . He got up to run again , but one of the other guys grabbed him . Someone else helped hold him down . He was hyperventilating , and he screamed , then appeared to return to normal , if a little bewildered and unable to remember anything from the past couple hours . I never really got an explanation for any of that . Just a nice - sized lump above my left eyebrow . SPOOKY , Mal ! Wow , I don 't know if I could have lived in / hung out at a house that had that kind of stuff happening there . It would freak me out too much . There was one night , though , that I stayed in Scooby 's sister 's room . I was really freaked out , because there was this grinding noise . It sounded ( looking back , this is a hilarious image ) like someone was standing in the corner turning a pepper grinder ( really maliciously I guess ? I don 't know why this scared me , but it did ) . In the morning , I discovered that her fish tank was low on water , and the noise had been the filter running dry . Nothing supernatural at all . There was one night , though , that I stayed in Scooby 's sister 's room . I was really freaked out , because there was this grinding noise . It sounded ( looking back , this is a hilarious image ) like someone was standing in the corner turning a pepper grinder ( really maliciously I guess ? I don 't know why this scared me , but it did ) . In the morning , I discovered that her fish tank was low on water , and the noise had been the filter running dry . Nothing supernatural at all . Click to expand . . . Haha how funny ! I 've done that before , where you 're like " . . . oh my god , what 's going on ? Where is that noise coming from ? " and then you find out it was something completely normal . : redface : There is a statue on the mantelpiece in the living room , the bust of a woman . By many accounts , it changes expressions . I remember watching TV on the couch one day , and I looked over to see the mouth of the statue moving , like it was talking to me , although I couldn 't hear anything . Scooby 's family claims to have attempted to get rid of it , and always have it find its way back to the mantelpiece . Click to expand . . . Thanks Mal for sharing ! Do you still hang out at that house ? It would be interesting to hear some EVP recordings in that house . Iff there is something there , maybe it 'd interact . Did you ever look up the story about the husband killing the wife in that house ? I 'd think that would have made news papers and should be on file at the library . That right there would make for a good ghost story novel about the violence of that act trapping the souls of those people and even possessing them , like maybe it was the husband who was possessing your friend when he was running around the house . I would think that the extreme emotional distress of the murdering husband might have made him run around the house like a lunatic . Definitely creepy though , Mal , and very believable kinds of phenomena going on there . My husband had a similar visual appertain of his aunt . He was like 10 when she died . He was in bed , he knew she had been ill and in the hospital , at three in the morning . His bedroom was upstairs on the back of the house facing away from the road , the drive way was to the side of his room but there were only windows on the back side of the house in his room . He felt weird so he sat up in bed , at that moment he saw headlights in his windows . At first he thought someone was just pulling in , but remembered his bedroom was now on the second floor facing the back , so there were no cars outside his window ! He flew out of bed and looked out the window ( tell he 's much braver than I was at that age ) and he saw his aunts face smiling at him in the glass of the window . Just her disembodied head . Then she disappeared . Two minutes later the phone rang . He went down stairs where his mom had answered the phone . She looked at him and told him his aunt had just died a few minute ago . He told her he already knew . It freaked his mom out . lol , she still gets creeped out to this day when we talk about that story . He 's also seen a couple ghosts in the old armory here in town when he was in the Civil Air Patrol . He was there all the time after Aug 13 , 2009 I myself have never had any ghostly experiences happen to me . I 've never had anything to do with it , and yet I find myself attracted to the stories of the supernatural . I 'm not scared of ghosts if they 're good ghosts . I once heard a story about a woman in Milwaukee who had a ghost named Arthur . He helped her out around her house a lot ; one day when she was running late and couldn 't find her keys she called out for Arthur 's help and the keys appeared on the table behind her . But anything other than good ghosts , and I say NO . Which is why I don 't mess with Ouija boards . Can 't say I 've seen a ghost . . . But when I was little , I was looking out my bedroom door and I thought I saw something run along the ground . About the size of a small cat , like a dark red blur . We had a ginger cat , but I knew it wasn 't him . I just casually got up , and went and told my mum . Now , in the direction ' it ' ran , it could 've only gone into the linen cupboard . Mum opens it up , and of course nothing is out of place . When i was a kid , maybe 4 years old , maybe 5 i was sleeping in my grandma 's house in one of the bedrooms ( For a few years we did , mum lost her job ) and i remember waking up ( Im not sure if i had actually gone to sleep or not , it was late ) . And i opened my eyes to see electric blue / white worm like images crawling over the bedroom ceiing and around the edges of the wall . It lasted for about 30 minutes , and happened during three different nights that week . . . . . . I never heard or felt anything , just saw these hundreds of worm like images crossing over each other over the cieling peacfully .

← Previous Entries Always on my mind …… Post on March 19th , 2013 by michele Tripawds is a user - supported community . Thank you for your support ! Tomorrow will be one month since we said goodbye to Cadence . Its been such a painful time in our lives . Letting Cadence go was one of the most difficult things we have ever done . In our hearts we know we did the right thing , but that doesn 't make the loss any easier for us . There is not a day that goes by that I don 't have tears in my eyes . The pain is still so very raw for me . I try to keep busy but it is only a temporary distraction . At the end of the day , Cadence is still not here with us and there is nothing I can do to bring her back . When I was having a bad day , Cadence would make it better . When I was having a good day , it was made even better because Cadence was around . Its so hard for me to put into words how much it hurts and how angry I am sometimes . I know that everyone that reads this knows the same pain . I feel pain because she is not here with us anymore , that she had to endure the bouts with cancer and she was cheated out of growing old gracefully . I 'm angry because I don 't get to hold her , get to cuddle with her in bed and how little time we got with her after the amputation . I know that these are all part of the grieving process , so I 'm trying to take it all in stride . I in no way regret the amputation or the chemo . If I had to do it all again , I would not even hesitate to do so . I just wish we were given more time with her . I am blessed that we did have almost 4 months . For that , I will always be thankful . A lot of great memories were made in those 4 months . Those are the memories that I reach for when I start to feel the overwhelming sense of loss come over me . Cadence … I miss you so much . The other night Mommy came home late from work . I expected to hear you barking at the door when I tried sneaking in as to not wake you and Daddy when I came home late . You were not there . I miss having your hair all over the floor , you dribbling water all over the place when you drank and the way you would tilt your head when I would talk to you . I swear you always could understand what I was saying . I miss the way you would give me kisses on my lips and then nibble oh so gently on my bottom lip . I miss watching you with Daddy . I miss coming into the room and seeing you sitting by Daddy 's feet as he listened to music and sang . I miss sitting in the back yard as we soaked in the sun just being lazy and two girls hanging out . I could go on and on about what I miss . Mostly , I just miss you being here . The sense of comfort and love you brought into my life . Cadence 's ashes came home to us a few weeks ago . Steve wanted to be the one to pick her up . It was very emotional for him . He misses her so much . Cadence is in our bedroom now , on the dresser drawer . We put her collar around it and placed her favorite puppy toy on it . Its hard for me to comprehend that she is in that box . We are going to spread some of her ashes around the places that she loved and we loved . That way , every time we go to those places she will be there still . I will never forget Cadence . Cadence will always be a part of our lives . The imprint she made on my heart will be there until my heart stops beating . When it comes time for mine and Steve 's journey on this earth to end , Cadence will be there to greet us and show us the way . Until that day comes baby girl , we love you and we miss you . Love you forever ………… . Steve and I have decided that we are not going to wait to get a puppy . We have so much love to give and miss having a dog in the house . We are getting another American Bulldog and she will be coming from a breeder in Oklahoma . We should be getting her at the beginning of April . It will be good to have some joy come in to this house again . When looked at many dogs but still kept on coming back to the same one . I think Cadence was guiding us straight to her . Her name is Elsa ( we are picking our own name when we finally get to see her ) and she was born on January 28th . Elsa was born one day after us discovering mets in Cadence 's lungs . In my heart I think she was born just for us , when Cadence was embarking on her final journey . That is just like Cadence … still taking care of us from over the Bridge . 9 Comments » My Dearest Cadence …… Post on March 2nd , 2013 by michele Tripawds is a user - supported community . Thank you for your support ! Sweet baby girl … . Mommy and Daddy miss you so very much . The house is not the same without you following us around . The house is so quiet and lonely . Daddy went to drills this weekend and I 'm here all by myself . I miss our time together when Daddy is away . We kept each other company and you made me feel so safe . Its been 10 days since you left our life . It sure feels like a lifetime to me . My heart still aches and the tears still come . I really do try to be strong , just like you were during your journey , but sometimes I am weak . You were the best dog that anyone could have ever asked for . You were fun loving , a great guard dog and you had a heart of gold . You made us feel so loved each and everyday . You brought sunshine into the house even when it was cold and grey outside . You will forever be in our hearts . Last night I finally got around to cleaning the house . I haven 't cleaned since you went away . Yes I know , that is so unlike Mommy . I just couldn 't bear the thought of vacuuming . Your hair was still all over the floor and in my mind I thought , if your hair is still on the floor , you are still in the house . But last night , my neat freak side took over and I cleaned . I took out the vacuum cleaner , and waited for you to run from the room ( cadence hated that darn thing ) , and away I went . I cried the whole time . After I finished , I looked around , and I could still see some of your hair . You shed so much all the time , I think I will be finding your hair in the house until the day I die . I wouldn 't have it any other way . Daddy has been having dreams about you at night . This makes him so very happy . I go to bed thinking about you , but so far no dreams . If you get a chance , and can pull yourself away from all the fun you are having , please come visit Mommy when she is sleeping . I miss seeing your sweet face . I hope that life is treating you well . I hope you know that Mommy and Daddy will never forget you and you will always be in our life . You will always be our one and only baby girl , love bug , c - dawg and cadence . 6 Comments » Daddy welcomed Cadence home ……… Post on February 28th , 2013 by michele The other night , Steve called the breeder that he got Cadence from . He wanted to see if she was still breeding American Bulldogs . The breeder remembered him and Steve told her all about Cadence and her cancer journey . We found out the Cadence 's mom is still alive and is 10 years old now . This next part just blew me away . Steve asked about the father , I want to say his name was Gator . Gator was also 10 years old . The breeder told Steve that Gator had gotten stomach cancer and that last Wednesday ( 2 / 20 ) they had to say goodbye to him . Gator 's journey ended the same day that we said goodbye to Cadence . I found some comfort in knowing that her Daddy was there to greet her when she went home . I still miss Cadence everyday . I hate coming home from work now . There is no big goofy dog to greet me at the door when I get home . I stand at the door listening for the sound of her paw steps as she runs to the door when I open it . The house is very lonely without her here . I 'm off the next 4 days from work and I am sort of dreading it . Steve is away at military drills , so I will be all alone . I 'm not going to know what to do with myself . At least before , I had Cadence to keep me company . Cadence would take care of me when Steve was away . Cadence was a natural born guard dog . I knew there was no way anyone was going to come in the house when they heard her barking . Im going to miss that extra sense of security . I know she is still watching over me and from above she will be protecting me . I still feel pain over losing Cadence . Each day that passes is a bit easier because I remind myself that she is no longer in pain and she is breathing freely again . I look at pictures and videos everyday and they make me smile . We gave Cadence a good life and in return she gave us unconditional love and friendship . I know she is surrounded by a loving group of Tripawds who are showing her the way . I picture Cadence and Bruno together being the best of friends . 3 Comments » Signs from Cadence … . . Post on February 23rd , 2013 by michele Cadence gave Steve a Valentine 's day card this year . In the card Cadence thanked her Daddy for giving her such a good life . Cadence knew this would probably be her last Valentine 's day card to him , so she made sure it was very special . In the card she told Steve that she would always be with him and that she would give him signs that would let him know she was all right and that she was there with him . Cadence said that every time we see a squirrel in the back yard , a humming bird at the kitchen window feeder and turkeys , that would be her sending us love . The day after Cadence earned her wings , Steve and I were at the computer , when we looked out the window and into our backyard . There on the fence were two squirrels looking into our window . One of the squirrels was acting a little crazy running up and down the post , so we figured that one was Cadence . It brought tears to our eyes but also a smile to our face . She had come back to let us know she was all right . We decided to celebrate Cadence 's memory by taking a walk along the same trail we always went with her . She loved that walk and so did we . We walked along the trail and talked about Cadence and all the great times we had with her . It was hard to take that walk without her , but also very comforting sharing our memories of her . As we were walking back to the house , on city streets , out of no where , 15 turkeys flew over a fence , and into the street . They were crossing the street in one big line . Cars were having to stop , to let the turkeys cross . At first we couldn 't believe it . We haven 't seen the turkeys in the neighborhood since November . I looked at Steve and said , " That 's our baby girl telling us she is still with us . " The rest of the day we actually felt good . The pain was still there but Cadence came back to us 2 times that day . She was telling us we made the right decision and she just wanted us to know that . Even though she is no longer here with us , her spirit is still making sure that we are taken care of . Sweet baby girl , your Daddy and I miss you so much . Thanks for sending us the signs . I hope you are in a grassy field with the sun shining down on you . The house is so empty and lonely without you here . You will forever be in our hearts . Sweet dreams … . . 9 Comments » A fighter until the end … . . Post on February 22nd , 2013 by michele On February 20th , at 7 : 04 pm , we said goodbye to our sweet baby girl . The decision was gut wrenching but we had to do what was right for Cadence and not for us . In one days time , she started gasping for air , even while laying in bed . The coughing stopped due to the Tussigon , so we thought we were in the clear for a while . But the Tussigon does not help with breathing . Looking at Cadence made me think of that asthma commercial when they have a goldfish , out of its bowl , flopping around gasping for air . Not that it was that dramatic , but I felt that was how Cadence was probably feeling . We could not put her through that . We love her to much to watch as she struggled to breathe . I was with Cadence all day and watched as it got worse and worse . She would not go to her bowl to eat breakfast so I brought it in the room and hand fed her . She still ate all her food but it was somewhat of a struggle between gasps . At one point she did get up to come outside with me and she used the bathroom . When she urinated I could tell she was dehydrated because her urine was bright yellow . I knew she was not getting enough water in her . Cadence loved drinking water all the time . Cadence just didn 't have the energy to get up and go to her water bowl to drink . It was to much for her to get up and move . When she did , she would be gasping for air . We knew we had to make the call . I called the vet and made the appointment for Thursday , but as time went by that day , we changed it to that night . We wanted to have the night with her , but once again , it would have been for us and not her . Now I watched the clock dreading every time a minute went by . It was one more minute closer to the end . I even prayed for a power outage so the clocks would stop working . I sat with Cadence most of the day telling her how much I loved her . We listed to some music and I played my song for her and sang it to her . It was Ronnie Milsap 's " I wouldn 't have missed it for the world " . We met Daddy at the door when he came home and that made him happy . We knew this would be the last time she would be at the door to greet him . Our neighbor Rose came over to say goodbye . Cadence loved Grandma Rose . Every Time we went on a walk , Cadence would stop at her garage to see if she would come out . Rose always had a smile and a treat for Cadence . Cadence gave Rose a big kiss goodbye . We got the dreaded call from the vet saying he was on his way over . Twenty five minutes later , he was at the door with his assistant . Cadence jumped up when she heard his voice and went running over to him . We could tell by the look on his face that he was wondering why he was there . Cadence was running up to him and wagging her tail . For a second she did not look like she was dying . Then the gasping started . He listened to her and told us we were doing the right thing . We got to choose where we wanted to do it . We chose the living room area . I pulled over one of her beds and told her to get into it . Cadence decided to choose her own bed and went into the other one with all her favorite blankets . She laid in the bed and they took her hind leg and shaved it . At this time I asked about a sedative for her , but he did not give her one . To be honest , I don 't even remember his reasoning behind it . The doctor then put the catheter in and I held her head in my hands and looked her in the eyes . Dr Atwater then administered the shot . We told her how much we loved her and how she was going to be free of pain . I kept on repeating to her how much we loved her and what a good girl she was . I felt like I was rambling . At one point she tried to get up during the injection . That bulldog was going to be stubborn even in death . Cadence has always been tenacious and that was not going to change now . I was watching her chest and I could tell her breathing was slowing down . I continued to look in her eyes so our faces would be the last thing she would see when she took her last breath . Then it was over . Then I cried . I fought back the tears during it , because I didn 't want her to be upset watching me cry . But there was no controlling the tears once it was all over . I was thankful her pain was gone . I was thankful that she would no longer be suffering . I was thankful that we got to say goodbye to her in our home where she was surrounded by us and the things that brought her comfort . I was thankful that Steve and I got to say goodbye to her together . That night we both cried ourselves to sleep . Our lives will never be the same without Cadence . Cadence blessed our lives in so many ways . We thank her for sharing her life with us and her loving us so unconditionally . I know Cadence is watching over us and will always be in our hearts . Our hearts are aching and empty without her . but with time the pain will ease , and the happy memories and moments will fill our hearts once again . Instead of tears of sadness there will be tears from laughing so hard when we think about the goofy girl she was . 5 Comments » The wonder drug … . Tussigon Post on February 14th , 2013 by michele When Steve came home Sunday , he looked at Cadence and he thought this was it . Cadence would not stop coughing . She would be lying still in bed and she coughed . She would get up to use the potty or drink water , and she coughed . So Steve made a phone call to the vets office on Monday to see if what we were thinking was really going to have to happen . We talked to the vets assistant who told us she did not think it was time yet . This is the natural progression of the disease . The cough is coming from the mets that are in her lungs . I knew that , but I really didn 't think there would be this much coughing . Since Cadence is still eating , ( like a horse ) , drinking and in general still has some energy , it was not time . I was so relieved , then I felt like an idiot for thinking she was on her death bed . The weekend was just a few bad days , that happen to roll together . There will be good days and bad days . I need to keep reminding myself of that . Its just that the bad days can be so overwhelming . Between all the worry and not sleeping , I am now sick . I sound as bad as Cadence . So yesterday we had a sick day and we both stayed in bed . She cuddled up to me and we napped throughout the day . ed The vet prescribed us Tussigon , 5 mg tablets . We are giving Cadence 2 pills every 12 hours . Let me tell you , this has helped out her coughing immensely . She still coughs when she walks around at times but once she settles down , the coughing stops . Its like a magic pill . Cadence can finally get a good nights sleep in and so can we . The drug is a bit pricey . It think we paid about 58 dollars for 1 week worth of pills . At this point , I don 't care . It relaxes her and my stress level has dropped . It worth every penny . It does make her a bit more sleepy but not to the point where she is sleeping all day . She is still alert and gets up to see what Im doing . For now the pills are working so we will keep on using them . 5 Comments » My heart hurts …… . Post on February 10th , 2013 by michele The last couple of days have been horrible . The coughing is getting worse and I can now hear a " crackling " sound as Cadence is breathing . She still breathes through her nose and there is no heavy panting , but I can see her breathing is becoming more labored . She also continues to cough up blood , not a lot , but I know this is not a good sign . To me , her eyes look sad . She tries to get up and walk around , but the coughing is worse when she does this . I called in sick , and did not go to work today . I couldn 't bring myself to leave her side . I know our days are limited and I don 't want to waste a moment of it . Thankfully , I have a job where they know how much Cadence means to me . We have no children , so she is like a child to me . I would never leave my child home alone being this sick , so why would I do that to my dog . Steve will be home tonight , thank God . It been so stressful dealing with this the last couple of days . He is going to take a look at her and see what he thinks . If he thinks it is time , we will call the vet and make arrangements to say goodbye on Tuesday . We are so afraid of saying goodbye to soon . Ive read a lot about signs to look for when its time to say goodbye . The thing that makes it hard is that she is still eating and drinking , and at times , had energy . Its just that damn cough . I started giving her Tramadol last night . I was going to wait until Monday to call the vet , but I said screw it . It knocked her out for most of the night , though there were a few bouts of coughs , not nearly as many as the night before . I just wanted her to get a good nights sleep . Me on the other hand , didn 't get much sleep at all . I would just stare at her , checking on her breathing . Tahoe is a no go tomorrow . There is no way we can risk it with the coughing being as bad as it is today . I wish I could afford a snow machine and fill the yard with snow , so she can play in it one last time . Instead , we will take her to her favorite park tomorrow and just hang out . I know in my gut , that the end is near . It is so hard to write those words , but every fiber in my being , tells me it is time . Steve and I decided a while ago , that when the time comes , she will have a gourmet meal , as one of her last meals . Today , I went and got her a t - bone steak and sweet potatoes . I wanted to get her a piece of cake , but Steve said it would be to much . Instead , I think we will give her some whipped cream , straight out of the can . I hate this part of the journey . When you get a dog , you don 't think about the day that will come when you have to say goodbye . You watch them grow up from being a puppy , and hope that old age is what takes them in the end . Cadence had years left in her . We took really good care of her . We always made sure she had the best food , exercised and made sure she was in good shape . I feel like we are being cheated , and there is nothing that I can do about it . Life is not fair . My poor sweet Cadence . My heart is breaking ……… 9 Comments » A day of peace and quiet Post on February 7th , 2013 by michele Mommy and Daddy went to work today , and for the first time in about a week , I had the house to myself . My mind was racing as to what I was going to do with all this alone time . We 've had a lot of people at the house the last week . My grandparents came to visit from Ohio . I hadn 't seen them in such a long time . The last time I saw them was when Daddy took me on this thing called an airplane , which was not fun by the way , this was when I was a puppy . I was so happy to see them again . They loved on me the whole time and grandma would sneak me Pirate 's Booty . I do love my Pirate 's Booty . I was sad to see them leave , but they needed to get home to their two dogs . Daddy fed me before he left for work today , so my belly was nice and full . I started my day off taking a nice long nap in the bedroom . I really didn 't feel like jumping on Mommy and Daddy 's bed , so I got comfy in mine . I slept and slept and slept . I love my Mommy to pieces , but ever since this cancer thing came back , she can be a bit of a pain in the butt . I really do mean that in a very loving way . Sometimes when I am sleeping , I wake up and have to cough a bit . Mommy will come running into the room and ask me a hundred times if I 'm ok . It seems like now , even if I fart , Mommy is asking me if I 'm ok . You see , Mommy is the worrier of the family . She worries a lot about me . I really wish she wouldn 't worry . They have done everything they could to protect me from this cancer thing . I try to tell Mommy , with my eyes , that everything will be ok . But , she still worries . Daddy on the other hand , is way more mellow than Mommy . I know he worries about me , but he doesn 't let it show . He still treats me the same . He rough houses with me and chases me around the house . I am very lucky to have them as my parents . I 'm like Mommy , and I lost track of what I was saying . Anyway …… . I slept most of the day away but I did manage to go outside a bit to do my business . It rained some here today , and I am not a big fan of getting wet . I wasn 't able to lay on my lounge chair and work on my tan today . I wandered around the house a bit . I hit the kitchen to see if anyone had dropped food on the floor . I was wanting an afternoon snack , but no such luck . I got bored pretty quickly and went back to sleep . Then I was awoken by the best sound in the world . I heard a key in the door . Mommy was home . I was so happy to see her . The first question she asked me was , " You ok , baby girl ? " That question was music to my ears . I hate to admit it , but I was bored without Mommy or Daddy being here . I may sleep when they are here , but it is very comforting knowing that they are no to far away when I need them . Daddy came home a little later and now we are at the house , all together , and one happy family . 3 Comments » Art project gone wrong …… . . Post on February 6th , 2013 by michele Cadence had another good day yesterday . The coughing was very minimal and she seemed to have a bit more energy . She still got in her naps but instead of just sleeping in our room , she followed me around the house . We sat in the yard for a bit and just enjoyed each other 's company . I left the house for a few hours to run errands , which makes me feel very guilty . I want to spend every minute with her . My mind starts racing when I am away from her . I worry that something will happen and I wont be there for her . When I got home she was waiting at the door , wagging her tail , and then let out a big yawn . She was just probably happy that she had some alone time and Mommy wasn 't smothering her . I did get her out for a small walk later on in the day . We have a greenbelt behind our house with lots of grass , which she enjoys . I wanted to keep the walk short as to not tire her out . She wanted to keep going . As I tried to turn around , the stubborn side of her came out . She just wouldn 't move . She had other plans at this point . I put my foot down and was able to get her to turn around . As we were getting close to the house , Steve was pulling into the driveway . I let go of the leash and she ran to Daddy . Cadence so loves her Daddy . I have to go back to work tomorrow and Steve is also working . She will be alone the whole day . I 'm also working through the weekend and Steve is away at military drills . We are having one of his friends come over over the weekend to check on her . I was also thinking about taking her into work on Sunday with me . I 'm just not sure if that would be to much excitement for her . Its a long day but I know how much she loves coming to work with me . I 'm still on the fence about it . I guess I will just wait and see how she does the next couple of days . Last night , Steve and I attempted to do an art project involving Cadence . Steve and I are not artistically inclined , so I knew this would not be pretty . We wanted to make a stepping stone with Cadence 's paw print . I went and got the kit and a few other accessories to make it nice and pretty . We mixed up the mix , poured it and waited to take her print until it was ready . We thought we had a plan . Well , as we all know , plans don 't always work out the way we want them to . We bribed her with cheese and then attempted several times to take the print . Cadence wasn 't very cooperative and the paw print looked like the size of a chihuahua . Cadence is a 90 lb dog , it did not do her justice . We just could not get it right . We tried several times but it just didn 't look good . We decided that we would just leave the print and continue on with the project . We then attempted to use letter impressions to spell out her name . The first letters we did looked somewhat decent , but as Steve continued , the letters all kind of blurred together . So now we had a messed up paw print and you couldn 't even read her name . At this point we just gave up . I 'm going to the pet store today to get one that even a two year old can do . I think the one with the molding clay is more our speed . The things we do for the love of our dogs . 2 Comments » To the park we will go …… Post on February 5th , 2013 by michele I decided that taking Cadence to the park yesterday was probably a good thing . Cadence seemed pretty worn out because she had slept all morning , so I wasn 't sure if she would be up for the adventure . I loaded up the car and came back into the house to get her . I grabbed the leash and she came running from the bedroom and into the kitchen . Her tail was wagging and she was ready to go . When we got to the park and out of the car , she had this renewed sense of energy . Her tail was wagging a mile a minute and she was smiling . We put the blanket down and then I put her on her extended lead . At first she didn 't know what to do . She stayed close by my side . The only time we put her on the long lead is when we are in Tahoe and she is swimming . She looked at me as if to say , " Hey Mom , there is no water here , what the heck am I doing on this thing . " Well , she quickly learned . I sat on the blanket and she just wandered off smelling the grass and running around . She even got in a few rolls in the grass . Watching all of this just warmed my heart . My heart has been hurting so much this last week , that it was nice to have it feeling good again . Occasionally she would come over to the blanket to make sure I was ok and she would sit for a while . Cadence sat by me as I laid in the sun , with her chest puffed out protecting me . Always the protector even though she is now the one that needs protecting . There is a creek that runs through the park that we take her . I wasn 't sure if there would be much water in there since it hasn 't been raining . We walked over to the area and I saw water . As much as Cadence loves us , I really do think she loves water more . I thought what the heck , we are going in . I tried to find the least complicated and safest way down . I was able to find a small hill that we needed to navigate . There was some brush and some small obstacles but we made our way down with no problems . At first she wasn 't sure what to do . Was mommy really going to let me go down in the water ? I could tell that was what she was thinking in her head . Then she went for it . She was running around getting soaking wet . She even found a big twig in the water that she proudly held in her mouth . She was having the time of her life and so was I . We stayed in the water for about 10 minutes then it was time to leave . Going up the hill wasn 't as easy as going down . All I kept thinking is that Steve was going to kill me if she hurt herself . I let her go first and kind of scooted her butt up when her back leg wasn 't enough to get her up . Well , we made it up in one piece , so it all ended up good . Last night I kept waiting for the fall out from an active day . There was none . There was no coughing . There was just a lot of snoring coming from a very happy American Bulldog who had the best day . This will be one of those memories that I keep close when things start to get rough and she is having a bad day . The picture of her with the stick in her mouth , wagging her tail and smiling , will forever be imprinted in my heart .

It 's been 3 and a half weeks since I wrote this post . I couldn 't bring myself to publish it , but now I feel I need to . I don 't want it to just sit and collect dust where I can 't even look back on it . This is my journal , and I need to have it " out there " as part of my closure . That seems like the wrong word to use . Maybe healing would be a better word . Because I 'm still sad , but I 'm ok . I 'm healing . And I 'm so happy and thankful for what I have . 3 weeks ago : I 've never had a " worst day of my life . " I can easily think of the best : Marty being born , marrying Richard , Paul McCartney concert with my family . Those are at the top of the list , anyway . And I probably could have thought hard to think back on a fight Richard and I have had - there have been a couple of doozies - but I don 't know if they would really fall under the Worst Day category , or meet whatever criteria there might be for something like that . That changed on November 3 , though . Earlier this year , we started talking about when we thought we might like to have another kid . It was kind of a scary thought , but as time went on , it was something we both knew we wanted . And as even more time went on , we realized it was something we really wanted . Like , not just something we felt like we needed to do so that our kids aren 't spaced 5 years apart . We wanted it . So , I went to the doctor and had him take my IUD out . About a month went by , I had my first normal cycle , and then we were on our family vacation and Marty was sleeping in the bed with us , so nothing happened right away . We never had the " let 's try " conversation , but I was paying very close attention to when I would most likely be ovulating , and let 's just say we had a lot of fun . As the days went by - if I 'm being honest , I was actually counting the minutes as they passed ! - I wondered if I might be pregnant , but I waited until well after I should have had another period to take a test . I even told Katie when we were in Las Vegas that I might be , that I was almost certain that I was pregnant , but I was just a little scared to know for sure . Because it was something that I wanted so badly that I didn 't want to find out it wasn 't real . The week after I got home , I took it . I didn 't know if I should wait for Richard like I did with Marty Boy , and I was so nervous and kind of freaking out , so I just did it while he was at work . Marty was eating a snack in his high chair , so I went in the bathroom and peed on the stick . I left it in there for like 45 minutes without checking . I was too nervous . I got ready for my volleyball game , got Marty ready for his night home with Richard , and when they 'd gone down to watch a movie together , I finally checked it right before I walked out the door . POSITIVE . This was a risky move , because if it had been negative I 'd probably have been really upset , but it wasn 't so I was thrilled . I ran down to kiss the boys goodbye , and I told Richard there was a surprise for him in the bathroom . He totally thought Marty I kept feeling pretty normal , except for a week of awful indigestion which could have been from anything . I also started to feel nauseated in the afternoons , which I chalked up to " morning sickness " or something , neither of which I ever experienced with Marty . I kept waiting for my boobs to start hurting , because that was the big clue the first time around . It finally started happening last week . I still hadn 't seen many symptoms , though , and I was starting to be a little nervous , so I took another pregnancy test . Still positive . I thought it would be , but mind monsters started getting to me , and I had to do it " just in case . " I was totally relieved . Especially because I know so many people who have had miscarriages recently . That always made me really nervous , but my mom never had any miscarriages . I don 't know if that means anything at all , but I remember Dr . Hartman telling me that if my mom got sick I was likely to get sick , and if she got vericose veins that I was more likely to get those , too , so for some reason I just lumped miscarriages with that short list of things that are hereditary . Last weekend , the weekend before our Monday afternoon appointment , I started to get super excited . I was basically counting down the minutes until we would get to see our little baby 's heartbeat . I confirmed with Richard that he would be there - he was going to leave early from work and just meet us there . I asked him if I should ask Rebecca to watch Marty Boy , and he said no . He wanted our little family to all be there for this exciting thing . Monday rolled around , and it just felt like 3 : 00 would never come . But it did . Marty woke up at the perfect time from his nap , and off we went to the hospital . He was a little nervous when we got there , I think because he remembered his old pediatrician 's office , but as soon as he realized it wasn 't for him , he was fine . Running around the waiting area , chomping down his pickles I 'd brought for his snack , and just being his perfect little self . When the nurse called me back , I told her that Richard was on his way , and she said we could just get the boring stuff out of the way first : weight , blood pressure , etc . We did , and Marty was just sucking on a sucker , with not a care in the world . She led us to the exam room and asked me to take off my bottoms . I couldn 't remember if he 'd done an actual exam at our first appointment last time , so I didn 't ask any questions . I just did it . Marty sat on a chair like a champ , and we chatted while we waited for Dr . Hartman and Richard . Hartman got there first . He asked me a few questions , and determined that I was actually 10 weeks along , not 8 . He also said I didn 't need to be half - naked because I had a pap - smear at my last appointment , but that train had already left the station . When he was about to get started , like literally pulling my shirt up to squirt the jelly on my belly , Richard walked into the room . Perfect timing . He was all smiles , and I was so happy he was there . He picked up Marty , and walked around behind Dr . Hartman so that he could see the monitor for the ultrasound . He moved the thing around a bit , and I couldn 't see anything . He was super quiet . He said that he was confused , asked who had done the tests . I told him I couldn 't see anything , and that I took two , one just last week . He said that my bladder was so full it might have been making it hard to get a good angle on things . I told him I didn 't go to the bathroom for a long time because I thought they might need me to pee in a cup . He backed up , grabbed another wand , and came back over . He said that heWhen the boys walked in a minute later , I told Richard about my appointment . He hugged me , and I just kept crying . Marty ran over and started tugging on our legs . He kept saying " Mama , " which eventually turned into " Mommy . " He 's never called me mommy . He started to give me big hugs - he does this when he knows I 'm sad - the good kind , where he is the one who holds on longest . And amid all of the " mommy 's " he said , " mommy , wuv you . " He has never said that to me before . He has said it to Richard , but not quite as clearly as it was this day . He said it twice . Richard walked back over to us , hugged us both , and I just kept crying . This moment was the thing that kept me from shattering into a million pieces . My sweet Marty Boy . Richard had a guitar lesson that evening , so he got ready for that . I usually make dinner while he 's teaching , but I was in no mood to cook , so I put a movie on for Marty and drove to Cafe Rio to get us some dinner . While we were eating , after the guitar lesson was over , there was a knock at our door . It was my mom , and she 'd brought us some pumpkin steamers from Kneaders . My favorite . She gave me a hug , but I didn 't cry . Then she sat with us for a few minutes and we talked for a little bit . I can 't remember if I cried the whole time she was here . I think I was cried out for the moment . I asked her to tell my dad , because I just didn 't want to talk about it anymore . And then I asked her not to tell anyone else . It was so nice of her to come over , and I really appreciated just knowing that she was thinking of me . Later that night , I got text messages from my dad and Sarah . Both telling me they were sorry and they loved us . I should have known my mom would tell my sisters . She told Chelsea the next day . I just told them both thanks , and not to tell anyone else . Also that I don 't want to talk about it when I see them . The rest of that night is a blur . I just can 't remember it . The next day , Hartman 's office called and asked if I could come in on Wednesday instead of Thursday . I said yes , feeling relieved and sad at the same time . Relieved that it would be over one day sooner , and sad for the same reason . It was so weird , the timing of that call . Marty got tired about an hour earlier than normal , and he fell asleep really quickly for his nap , which never happens . And not five minutes after I left his room , my phone rang . I 'm glad he wasn 't awake to see me lose it again . My mom got to the house for our Tuesday lunch shortly after that , but she only stayed for a couple of minutes . We worked things out so that she would watch Marty for me , and then she told me to get some rest . I didn 't have much of an appetite , which isn 't my style at all . Usually in an emotional situation I 'm an over - eater , but this was different . I slept while Marty slept , and when he woke up I felt bad for being such a bum all day , so I took him to the Tree House for an hour before they closed . He had a great time , playing with the trains , checking on the cow and sheep , and even drumming his little heart out . I hope that my sadness hasn 't affected him negatively . It didn 't seem to that day , at least . That night Richard and I planned for him to be at the hospital when I woke up the next day , but for some reason I just kind of wanted to be alone before the procedure . That 's not really my style , either . Normally I want to talk about and analyze things to death with him . But this time I didn 't want to dwell on it or talk about it up until the very moment it would happen . I just wanted to read my book and try to keep my mind off of it as much as I could . I knew it wouldn 't really work that way , but I felt like I just needed some time to myself with this . I really didn 't want to be alone after , though . The morning of November 5 , Marty and I did our normal thing : we ate breakfast together , watched a show and got ready , and then we had to go to the store to get a stupid pill for me to take before the surgery . He was such a good sport , being super playful and happy all morning . We went home , and before I knew it my mom was there to pick us up . I got the diaper bag ready for her to take Marty to Tree House , and then they took me to the hospital . I checked in fine , but as soon as I sat in the waiting area I started to cry . When I finally stopped , I read my book for about a minute before they paged me to fill out paperwork . I cried up at the counter , and then again when my nurse came for me . She was very nice , and as soon as I sat down in the consultation room , she grabbed my hand and gave me some tissues . She took my vitals , asked me some questions , and then led me to my waiting bed and asked me to change my clothes . The next nurse who came in to give me my IV started to tear up when she saw me crying . She was very nice , too , and it was nice to talk to her about other things . When she left , Dr . Hartman came in . He asked how I was , and if I had any questions . I said I was ok , and that I had none . He squeezed my foot , and then explained some of the recovery stuff to me . He said that it was going to be more of an emotional recovery than a physical one , and that I don 't need to be examined by him afterward , but if I would like to I can make an appointment to talk with him in about a week . I 'm not going to , but I appreciated it . I was crying , of course , and he squeezed my foot again before he left . Those two little squeezes meant a lot to me , coming from him . I ended up being in that waiting area long enough to finish my book , read the information they 'd given me , and then try to take a nap . I couldn 't fall asleep , but I did start crying again . Luckily it wasn 't long before my anesthesiologist came in to start giving me drugs and wheel me to the operating room . He patted my shoulder as I was crying on our way down the hall , and I kept hoping that I would pass out soon , but it didn 't happen . As they wheeled me into the room I could hear people laughing and joking around . It was the nurses and staff who were going to be helping with my procedure , and it really made me mad . As they helped me scoot from my bed over to the operating table , one nurse said , " are you just a little scared ? " and I said " no . " and kept crying . I wasn 't scared , I was sad . I was devastated . I was heartbroken . But I didn 't have to listen to them much longer because the anesthesiologist put monitors on my chest and then oxygen over my mouth and nose , and that was the last thing I can remember before I slowly woke up in the recovery room . As I was working my way through the fog , I felt tears still running down my face , and I heard someone telling someone else to take me to 2nd phase recovery where my husband was waiting for me . When I finally got there , I didn 't see Richard . I was really crying , and I asked where he was . The nurse said she would go get him , and after no time at all he was standing right beside me . He hugged me and I just cried . Then he had a seat and asked me about it . I told him what I remembered , and it was so nice to have him there . He 'd had to wait about 45 minutes , and I felt bad that he was missing work , but I was just so glad to have him with me . Our nurse here was so nice . She brought me apple juice , and then she brought us both hot chocolate . I 'd been fasting , and even though I don 't remember feeling hungry or thirsty , I drank my drinks so fast . I didn 't want to stay there any longer than I absolutely had to , so I changed my clothes , Richard went to get the car , and the nurseRebecca had texted me while my mom and sister were over , asking if everything was ok because she had seen my mom taking care of Marty throughout the day . I answered letting her know what had happened , and later that night she came over with ice cream . Richard and Marty had gotten home , so Richard put him to bed while I talked with Rebecca in the front room . I was starting to feel a little better , and wasn 't near as emotional , so I was ok talking about it . I was glad to finally tell the only other person who knew I was pregnant what was really happening , too . I 'm so grateful for her friendship , and feel so lucky that we moved in across the street from them . Since Wednesday , I have felt a lot of different emotions , and I 've had so many thoughts go through my mind . Richard and I have talked about it so much , and we just have so much love for our friends who have had to experience this , some more than once . He is so confident that we will be able to have another baby , and I want to be that confident , too . Little slivers of worry and fear are present when I think about it , though . I am starting to feel a little more normal , but these waves of sadness hit me occasionally and leave me crying in their wake . It has happened in the car , in the shower , in bed , at the computer , on the phone , watching a movie with Marty . No warning , just tears . I 've tried to tell Richard how weird it is to feel all of this - normal and heartbroken at the same time . Like I should start moving on , but not sure how . He said something that made me truly believe that he knows just how I 'm feeling , even if he 's not crying about it . He said that it 's hard to move forward when there 's not really a sense of closure . Agreed . I found these quotes online that describe that feeling pretty well : It 's not that I thought I was special . I knew that miscarriage was a possibility from the very beginning , and that is why we told ourselves that we were waiting to announce it to anyone . But I think I wanted to believe I was special , and that I wouldn 't have to experience it like so many I know have had to . And I for sure know that I wasn 't expecting it . Even when I was feeling superstitious and nervous , I never really thought that it was going to end like this . Although I 've been wanting to " get it over with " from the moment I knew there wasn 't a heartbeat , I just don 't want it to really be over . Because even though I hate this feeling of loss , I also don 't want to forget it , and there is nothing for me to remember it by . I think that is why I 'm writing it all down . I 'm documenting it so that there will some proof . Proof that we did get pregnant , and that we were so excited for our little baby to come . Proof that our little baby only made it to 8 weeks , but that we didn 't know it until 10 weeks . Proof that although Richard is a rock who is holding me up , that he is also disappointed and sad and feeling a loss just like I am . Proof that my heart can be so full of love for Marty Boy , but also broken for the little baby I will never know in this life . Proof that I loved him / her so much even though we never got to meet , and proof that I 'm not quite sure how to say goodbye . I don 't think that my situation is harder than anyone else 's . But I think that for me it is especially difficult to have happen now . Now that I know . I was so scared of being a mother for so long . So scared of all of it : pregnancy , delivery , breastfeeding , motherhood , marriage with kids . And while we were busy being scared , we stayed busy having adventures , making memories , being in love , and having fun with just the two of us . But once Marty Boy came along , he showed us how special life can really be . The adventures we have with him , the memories we make , the fun that we have as a family ( that I am IN LOVE WITH ) are special in a league of their own . My heart is changed , and I love being a mother , with Richard as the father , more than anything I could possibly imagine . I don 't think I could have known what an incredible loss this really is without knowing how special it was going to be to add to this little one to our mix . I knew it , and now I 'm feeling this loss on a more special level than I would if I didn 't know it . I 'm going to keep on loving being a mother , with the best father and husband ever . I 'm going to keep having adventures , making memories , being in love , and having fun with my little family . I 'm going to be ok . Eventually . And I 'm going to keep loving the baby I didn 't get to hold or know in this life . Every summer , my parents ' employer hosts a work Lagoon day . This year they offered to pay for all of us because they really wanted to show Marty off to all of their friends and coworkers . So , we let them . There was a little drama with scheduling because although we 'd had it planned for months , it ended up being the day that Richard had to harvest the honey from his beehive with Spencer Bowman . That sadly meant that Richard didn 't get to stay for the entire time , but he did get to see and be a part of the very best things that happened that day . There were moments when his face didn 't quite show the level of enthusiasm that I think he was actually feeling . Like this , for instance . Not a lot of emotion on that face . But did he want to get off of that helicopter when it came time ? No way . Also , I didn 't let him suck on every handle bar in the park . I just tried to pick my battles and be realistic about the gross things that my toddler is inevitably going to do . It made for a much more relaxing and enjoyable day than it potentially could have been . I 'm sure people thought we were totally obnoxious as we yelled Marty 's name and leaned over the railing to wave at him every time he came around on a ride , but we didn 't care . I seriously almost started to cry as I watched him go on his first solo ride . He was totally fine , didn 't need us at all . He loved it , and he laughed and waved back to us as he went around and around . It was one of those moments where I have to focus on really enjoying so I don 't get sad that he 's getting to be such a big boy . It 's a bittersweet thing . Just a little bit bitter , and whole lot sweet , though . I swore to Richard that we wouldn 't go on the train because the " zoo " that it drives through has " animal cruelty " written all over it . But when Marty saw the " choo - choo " my soap box disappeared and I HAD to take him on it . The kid loves trains , I love him , so what was I to do ? The last ride he went on ( two times in a row ) was the merry - go - round . I 'm glad we ended on such a good one . He was starting to lose steam , but this one perked him right back up . Richard was planning to come back if we thought we were going to be staying late into the night , but I called him and told him not to worry about it . After running on all cylinders all day long , Marty finally crashed hard - core . And when my mom and I sat down for a minute because we weren 't chasing him around anymore , we realized that we were spent , too . So , we packed up the car and headed home . It sounds silly , but Lagoon was magical that day . That chamber of my heart that magically appeared when Marty was born was beating a million times per minute while I watched him having so much fun . I love watching him experience something for the first time , and getting to experience it with him . And I love it even more when Richard and I are both a part of it . Parenthood is chaotic and hard and tiring and sometimes makes me feel like I am going nuts , but it is also the most special thing in the universe . It is joyful and funny and fulfilling and completely satisfying , and there is nothing that makes me happier . Last year we went had an east coast adventure when Richard graduated from the DCELP program in Boston . We invited our dads , and it was 11 days we will never forget . We loved that vacation , and we 've always said that we want to be a family that makes fun memories and has travel adventures together , so at the end of August , we took our second big family trip . This time we went to San Diego . Although Richard and I both decided we wouldn 't really want to live there ( even if we could afford the cost of living there ! ) , we had a great time . It all started with a short flight . Marty was a champ , and I seemed to have packed just the right amount of snacks and toys for all three of us to stay entertained for the entire time . Next , we hopped on a shuttle to pick up our rental car . That wasn 't anybody 's favorite part of the trip . Not even the second time we went there , on our second day , to trade in the car for one with a working air conditioner . But I will say it was one of the best decisions we made the entire trip . No AC = no bueno . We stayed at a hotel on Point Loma Naval Base , right in San Diego . Richard was able to get us a screamin ' deal because he is an Air Force employee . We will probably only stay on military bases for the rest of our lives , or at least for the rest of the time Richard works there . Whichever lasts longer , I guess . It was that good of a deal , and it was that nice of a place . It was also within walking distance of a shopping center that we killed a little time at . The only real plans we made were to visit the San Diego Zoo . We had recently been the Hogle Zoo with Scott and Megan , but we both wanted to see it , and we thought Marty Boy would love it . The first thing we did was take a bus tour of the entire park , thinking it would help us get oriented , and that way we could decide what we really wanted to walk around to see . The park was humongous , and totally overwhelming . It was incredible , but definitely not easy to navigate . Even after the bus tour . We were constantly looking at park maps and making U - turns . There is no easy way to make a big loop and just see everything , either . We spent a lot of time looking at the monkeys / gorillas / apes . And thank goodness the boy wanted to play on these statues for awhile . Richard and I were getting to the point where we were kind of over the zoo , but felt like we really needed to stay longer to get our money 's worth , and also to show Marty a good time . Even though he was probably over it , too , because he was throwing A LOT of fits . Anyway , we took a little break , ate some snacks , and got right back to it . It was worth every sweaty minute when we got to the elephants . This kid loved them . And we loved watching him love them so much . I think he said the word " eh - fint " ( elephant ) more than any other word that entire week . Our other favorite exhibit was probably the hippos and the lion . They were both huge , and right up close to the glass , and really cool to see . It makes me sad to say that it was behind glass . Even though this zoo had amazing exhibits , it was still a little sad to think of all those animals in captivity . Our tour guide told us that it is a facility that breeds endangered animals , and saves lots , too . So that 's something , I guess . Anyway , we saw a lot of really cool things , but after like four hours we were ready to call it quits . So we found a park map , located the gondola ride , and trekked it over so we could get back to the front gates and get the heck out of there . Richard took Marty and I back to the hotel so we could take a nap , and then he drove around and explored the area a little bit . Then he took us to a place he thought we 'd really like : Mission Beach . He was right . Our first stop was a gourmet grilled cheese restaurant . TO DIE FOR . Basically my dream come true . Mine had macaroni and cheese in it , and I loved every bite . Next , we went over to the pier where all the action was . There was a roller coaster , lots of rides and games , and even an " indoor " surfing competition . We watched that for a little bit , but then we hit the jack - pot and took Marty on the merry - go - round . I know this picture is blurry , but he was so happy , and this is the only one that really shows his smile . He was so excited ! We let him choose which animal he wanted to ride , and he insisted on this cat with a fish in its mouth . He loved every minute of it , and frankly so did we . There is just nothing better than making this kid really stinking happy . Our first trip to the ocean was on a private beach at another Naval Base hotel . There were multiple " campuses " for the base , and this wasn 't the one we were staying on . But it was nice that it wasn 't very busy . We all lathered up with sun screen , and headed straight to the water . I was shocked that Marty did shove fistfuls of sand into his mouth within the first ten seconds of being on the beach . And I kept thinking I was surprised it hadn 't happened yet , but never said anything out loud for fear I would jinx it . He really loved the salty taste of the water , and kept licking his hands . And then , I can 't remember if it was Richard or myself , but one of us brought up the fact that no sand - eating had taken place thus far . Big mistake . Shortly after , the sand - eating commenced . Woof . The combination of the sun , running in sand , and playing in the water pooped our little buddy right out . But we didn 't let that stop us . A couple of friends had mentioned a BBQ place called Phil 's , which was really close to our hotel , so we stopped there for lunch . Definitely the best local food we ate while we were there . We should have gone back a second time ( when we sadly happened upon the worst seafood of our lives ) , but we didn 't . Luckily , though , we went the first time , and enjoyed every finger - licking bite . Later that day , we went to La Jolla to see a bunch of seals . They wreaked . Bad . It was kind of cool to see , but we 'd waken Marty from a nap , and he wasn 't too thrilled about it , so it really wasn 't anyone 's favorite vacation memory . But then we found a little ice cream / bakery called The Baked Bear where they make delicious ice cream sandwiches out of whatever cookies / brownies / doughnuts you want . I got mine with one brownie , one cookie , and the best birthday cake ice cream ever . It turned my frown upside - down in no time . We then headed back to the beach . I think it was still mission beach , but just a different stretch . More conducive to actual beach activities . Pretty sure Marty was happy to be in a giant sand box for so much of our trip . I really had to just not think about the mess we would eventually be cleaning up from sand being in every crevice of his body , clothing and diaper so that I could let loose and have as much fun as he was . It wasn 't hard to do when this infectious little tornado was by my side . This time on the beach was one of the big highlights for me on the trip . Just taking it easy , no time constraints , and being fancy - free with my boys . It made me feel lots of good feels . He was not a big fan of the pirates . But he didn 't mind when they gave him a gold coin . He stuck it right in his mouth . Big surprise . And after the tired and hangry ( hungry + angry ) kiddos had eaten their fill , they were right back to goofing around . It was fun to watch Marty make new little buddies . And it really just made me wish that we lived closer to the Halseys because we had such a good time with them . I hope we can see more of them , more often in the future . That evening , after naps , we drove back to La Jolla to see the San Diego temple . We walked around the temple grounds , waiting for it to get dark and for the lights to come on . I had a very specific " memory " of seeing the San Diego temple when I was in high school , and it involved colored lights . Like pink , blue and purple lights shining on the temple so that it looked like a magic castle . Well , we waited around for a bit , but not long enough for many of the lights to come on . Only normal lights . Richard didn 't believe me about the colored lights , so I called my mom to confirm . She informed me that it was actually the Disneyland castle that I was thinking about . No colored lights on any temples . I could have sworn . . . Sunday was lovely . We slept in , played in our hotel room , and watched the U . S . Open . I 've never really watched tennis before in my life , but I started to really get into it on our trip . So did Marty . When we would get home from wherever we 'd just been , I 'd grab the remote and ask him if he wanted to watch tennis . Eventually , he started to say " ten - eese " when we walked into the room . Smarty pants . We went for a Sunday jog , that eventually turned into a Sunday stroll , that eventually turned into us renting paddle boards in a nearby marina . I 'd seen people doing it , and from day one I told Richard that I wanted to try it while we were there . I got my wish , and this was by far my favorite thing we did on the vacation . Originally , we were just going to rent one board and take turns because we weren 't sure Marty would like it enough to sit still on the board . So I went out first . But by the time I turned around , I saw Richard on a board , and Marty Boy sitting in front of him , loving every minute of it . We were only out on the boards for about 30 - 40 minutes , but it was awesome . I loved doing something new and so different , and having Marty be a part of it with us . He was such a good sport , and I 'm glad that we could make that memory as a family . It seriously makes my heart swell just thinking about it . Later that day , we went to dinner at Byron and Ashley 's house , and we didn 't take a single picture . The food was delicious ( tacos ) , the kids played together so well , and we just had a really great time . We stayed until after their kids went to bed , just talking and getting to know them better . They were so hospitable and generous while we were there . We have never experienced anything other than those things from any of Richard 's family that we 've visited on our travels , and those things always end up being some of our favorite things about our trips . We also went back to Mission beach that day for Richard to meet up with one of his old high school friends , Miles Edwards , that he played in the band Stick Man Riot with . I think it 's safe to say that Marty was pretty tired . You know he 's exhausted when he can 't even get the fruit loop all the way into his mouth . Miles is a lifeguard in San Diego . That day he was working out of the portable shown in the bottom of this picture . Richard went down to visit with him , and listen to some of the old tapes he 'd found of them performing while I relaxed with a sleeping toddler up on the boardwalk . It was nice , but I got super hot and sweaty sitting in the sun , so I made my way down the beach , and just so happened to find myself cooling off with another scrumptious ice cream sandwich and The Baked Bear . Marty woke just in time to help me polish off the last couple of bites , and for Richard to meet up with us and head back to the hotel . Our last full day of vacation was spent seeing more of San Diego 's sights . We started at some tide pools , that were really cool , but because the tide was kind of high we actually couldn 't see them all that well . Still , it was beautiful scenery , and made for some really great pictures . To pitching a fit and collapsing in the dirt like this . It happened at least twenty times that day . And probably ten of those were at the tide pools . It didn 't take me long to realize that the tantrums ended faster if I just let him lay on the ground , so I quickly stopped trying to quiet him or get him out of the other tourists ' way , and just let him collapse and get it out of his system so that we could get to where we wanted to go in less than 127 hours . I 'm sure people without kids , or who have older kids and can 't remember what this phase is like were judging the crap out of my parenting . But I really hope that those who are in similar stages of life were silently giving me a round of applause . We hiked up to a lighthouse that I now can 't remember anything about . Except that the walk up there took five years because of the string of tantrums that occurred along the way . We had more time to kill , so we drove back to Balboa Park ( where the zoo is located ) and walked around to see more of those sights until we just couldn 't take any more of them . Lots of walking , some climbing , lots of playing and some more tantrums . We were all pooped . And we were also starving . So we got way more ice cream than we needed , and kept eating even after we were stuffed . It was a fun day , but we were kind of grasping at straws trying to think of things to do . This was a good sign that we planned just the right length of trip and would be happy to get home . We were right . They both slept the entire flight . I read a book that I had taken on the trip , which I thought I 'd finish in no time , but actually cracked open for the first time on that flight home . I 'm so thankful that Richard has a job that allows me to stay home being a mom full - time , and also allows him to take time off for special family time , not to mention one that lets us live a life that can include these fun family adventures when we stick to our budget and save up . It was also great that his job hooked us up with the great / cheap place to stay . I 'm glad that Richard and I are on the same page when it comes to family trips and making those lasting memories . And I love that travel is the thing that Richard and I fell in love with doing together before we added our Marty Boy to the mix . Maybe someday we 'll take a vacation without him , but right now I can 't even imagine that . The trips we 've taken with him have been so special . That is our life now , and I 'm so happy that it is . I love making these memories , and I 'm excited to see what new places we go to to make more of them in the future . I really think we could do New York with a kid ( s ) . And I think I 'm slowly convincing Richard of that , too . So maybe they won 't be new places , but definitely new experiences and memories as the little family I adore and am so happy to be a part of .

It has been a busy time , which seems to be an ongoing refrain . We just lost another member to cancer shortly after diagnosis . We 've had 3 healthy , active men go through this this year , and it 's taking a toll on the congregation . Today 's funeral was another big one - - as in almost 300 people . Our guys were going downstairs for extra chairs as the sanctuary filled up . I really liked this man . He and his wife brought me home and spent the night with me after my second arm surgery . We also had dinner and went to shows with them when we were on vacation , as they had a cottage they had built not too far away . His family was wonderful to work with . I was there when he died . His wife had asked me where she thought I should take him for hospice care , and I suggested they take him home , so they did . I had gone over to visit , and had a prayer with all of them around his bed . His wife took me downstairs to show me something , and his breathing changed . We went back upstairs , and his wife and all of his children stood around his bed as he drew his last breath . He had told me last week that he was at peace , and we could see it in the way he died . Tomorrow is our bazaar , so that complicated things . We had to call all the vendors to let them know they wouldn 't be able to set up until this evening . Administrative Assistant and I were both pretty much fried when we finally left the church today . While our folks had done a wonderful job taking care of many of the necessities , Daughter , AA , and I emptied trash and replenished supplies in all the bathrooms . We ran the vacuum to get rid of leaves and mud . Of course , we had to bring up the vacuum cleaner from the basement , as we wait for a new belt for the upstairs one . We all skipped bazaar set - up this evening . We left that in good hands . We have reduced Daughter 's new anti psychotic , and she is doing better in terms of side effects . She is no longer having as much trouble with tremors , back pain , and bed wetting . However , she is back to hearing the voices and having disturbing thoughtsReverend Mom Daughter continues to struggle . We are going to have to cut her anti psychotic , as the side effects are devastating . We did have her best planning meeting ever . Her new case manager is wonderful with her . Her psychologist is going to do an assessment on her when she returns from medical leave . She is struggling with bed wetting , which I suspect is connected with the anti psychotic . My arm is still broken , and I may have to have surgery for the broken elbow . It 's been broken for almost 3 months . I am really paranoid about falling . I am very discouraged with the situation . I 'm wearing a sling now , to see if that will help it heal . I also continue to use the bone stimulator . Things continue to be busy at the church . Tomorrow we are doing a drama . We decided on it Monday night , and I wrote it Tuesday . I asked 6 people to be in it , and they all agreed . We ran through it Thursday night , and I 'm pleased . It 's mostly directly from Scripture , and is the story of Gideon . There is a little bit of commentary and some challenges interspersed with it . One of the participants has been talking it up at the coffee shop . Daughter continues to struggle . The medication is not right , and the side effects are such that we 're going to have to change it . She had an appointment for this month , but it has been cancelled and rescheduled for February . Our mental health system is broken . This state significantly cut support for mental health this year . I just read an article about how the local mental health service is cutting people off because they don 't have the funding to treat them . People with serious mental illness , in a community where there was recently a high profile murder by someone who had serious mental illness . One of the residents in Daughter 's house has developed mental health issues and had some issues with violence . They tried to hospitalize her but there wasn 't a hospital in the state that would take her . She has been creating problems at the house , and after she became violent with a staff member , there was a staff change . All of this has triggered Daughter 's PTSD . She has been wetting the bed , something she hadn 't done since she moved out . She is begging me to bring her home . She is desperate to get out of the house . I think her case manager is planning to move the woman who is causing the problems out . The psychologist she 's been seeing sent an email a couple of weeks ago saying that since Daughter is stable , she thought she 'd close her case . Case Manager and I were not happy , since there is no way you can describe Daughter as stable right now . I have requested a different psychologist to work with her , but given all the budget cuts , I 'm not optimistic . The arm is now broken in two places . The ulna has healed , but I broke the radius near the elbow when I fell on vacation . For 8 weeks I thought it was tennis elbow , but the most recent x - rays show the fracture . The doctor told me they treat fractures like this with a sling for a couple of weeks . He didn 't do anything for it t this point . Last week I shook a bell during bell choir , and the next day was in a lot of pain . I believe that the bones are moving . I scheduled anWe 've had a lot of people traveling this fall , making it hard to get volunteers to work concessions at the local university football games . It takes over 20 people to fully staff the booth . I 've worked as a cashier twice . Last week Administrative Assistant and I were both working . In fact , we went together . Right before halftime , she passed out . Her coworker got her into the storage shed after she said she was feeling funny . The paramedics arrived , blocking our access to our supplies . We had to get ice from another stand . AA husband is one of the managers , so he accompanied her to the hospital , leaving us down two key staff members . We got through it , and it was challenging . After the game , I went up to the hospital . The couldn 't find the cause of her problem , but they kept her overnight and did a stress test the next day . After they moved her to the floor , I took her husband to pick up their car from the university . She passed her stress test with flying colors . I told her it was a pretty dramatic way to get out of being drafted to work in the booth . Daughter was not happy with me working concessions , because it meant I didn 't pick her up until Saturday evening . Computer has been replaced . I was having a growing number of problems with the old one , and decided I was flirting with disaster . So , I bought a new computer . Then the power button stopped working after 2 weeks . I took it in and they replaced the computer . I tried to hook it up to an external monitor without success . The retired head of IT at a major company here in town spent 5 hours over 2 days trying to figure it out . He finally took it in . I told him he was vindicated because they had trouble figuring it out , too . He said they had access to resources he didn 't , and finally figured out it was a driver issue . Family Time this weekend is focused on Daughter and getting caught up on stuff at home . We had our annual eye exams this morning , so she spent the night last night . We then spent most of the day running taking care of various things . Daughter is obsessed with escaping her pain , so she wants to leave her program and her house . It is exhausting to deal with her right now . We have her annual planning meeting on Monday , and she is super stressed over that . I finally reminded her that I would be there and that Mama Bear would look out for her . I could see her relax . She wants to find Mama Bear and Baby Bear shirts for us to wear . I hope once we get through the appointment she will calm down . Posted by I took most of Monday off this week , to make up for all the work last week with two funerals . It really is feeling like crunch time now , as fall program approaches . To complicate things , Administrative Assistant is going to be taking two weeks off to go to her reunion . So , we 're trying to work ahead and get things in place for fall . We are making major changes to some of our children 's ministries this year , which means extra meetings . When I left yesterday evening , I felt good about what we had accomplished . I still have some work to do before Sunday , but that 's okay . This morning I went back to the orthopedic doctor . My bones continue to heal ( slowly ) . He also diagnosed me with tennis elbow , which is the result of tripping and falling coming out of the tent . He offered me a cortisone shot to the elbow , but I preferred to try a brace first . So , I now have a band on my forearm . The pain lessened immediately , so I know his diagnosis was correct . He 's still talking about the possibility of surgery , but I 'm not going to worry about that now . Daughter has had some challenges this week . One of the other residents at her house is being very disruptive and abusive . Hopefully they can get her needs addressed soon . Very soon . Posted by Psychiatrist started Daughter on a new anti psychotic 2 months ago . She is much less volatile , and much more realistic . She is no longer bugging me about how she needs her own apartment . She finally accepted that her current group home is the best place for her for now . Unfortunately , there are also side effects . She has developed a tremor that makes it difficult for her to do detail work . She is also very slow . It can be painful to watch her try to do things , she is so slow . So , when we saw Psychiatrist last week , we reduced the new anti psychotic by half , with the understanding we may have to go back to the higher dose . I am seeing a return of the volatility . She 's also struggling more . It 's all a trade off . At this point , though , I think a tremor and slowness may be preferable . It gets frustrating . I also recognize that this is going to be an ongoing struggle . Every so often she complains that it 's not fair that she has all these challenges . I agree . Posted by Staffing continues to be an issue at Daughter 's house . Before vacation , I congratulated Home Owner for getting through a staff change without Adult Protective Services involvement , as had happened in the previous 2 . In the first case , staff quit unannounced , packing and moving out while all the residents were at their programs . There was no one to let them in when the buses dropped them off , and when they couldn 't reach the Home Owner , they ended up calling the police and APS was involved . In the second case the staff member was not happy when a second live - in staff member arrived , as it meant she could no longer get away with making Daughter do things like her laundry , or warming up the van , or . . . . So she convinced the women to claim the new staff member was abusing them . On that one , APS showed up at the church while I was meeting with a family to plan a funeral . AA came to see if I was available , otherwise she would have sat in on Daughter 's interview with the worker . The most recent staff change happened when Home Owner walked into the house and found the staff person screaming at the residents . She was fired on the spot , and Daughter and I were both relieved . She had a tendency to taunt Daughter and do other things that were not helpful . She did not like when Daughter disrupted her schedule by coming home late after choir or some other outing with me . This new staff member seems to be an improvement , though there are still issues . She doesn 't always measure Daughter 's food properly , and when one of the other residents became extremely difficult , she began complaining to Daughter . This has been an issue before . Daughter is so high functioning that they come to view her as a friend rather than a resident . The ongoing staffing issues are hard on Daughter and all the residents . They need schedule and routine , and with the ongoing turnover , that is difficult to establish and maintain . As a society , we do not value the developmentally handicapped . Home Owner recently spent the night in a waiting room with a resideReverend Mom While I was on vacation , I took on some home improvement projects around the house . For over 2 years I have been limited by my left arm , which made me reluctant to take on major projects . The arm has gotten stronger , and the new doctor has encouraged me to use it , as that increases blood flow and helps healing . So , I took on the long delayed projects . I stripped the wall paper border in the bathroom and repainted it , finishing a refresh I had started over a year ago with new lights ( good bye brass ) , shower curtain , hardware , towels , and rug . I 'm very pleased with the way it turned out , and next time I will hire someone to paint it . My toilet is in a small alcove , and has the elongated bowl . My arms weren 't long enough to easily get behind it . Daughter found it amusing . I 've always been frustrated by my family room . It 's open to the kitchen , but has always been dark . It has a sliding patio door at one end with a large window right next to it . The other end has a large fireplace . There is a cathedral ceiling , but the walls are dark paneling and the fireplace was dark brown brick . I have been contemplating ways to brighten the room . I found Brick Anew online , and ordered it . I spent several days working on the fireplace with it . I 'm delighted with the result . I am now planning what I 'm going to do with the rest of the room . Daughter was very patient and supportive with my efforts . It felt really good to be able to get these things done . I was also able to do more work in my gardens this summer . They had been badly neglected these past two years due to the arm . I was really feeling good about what I had accomplished . While we were camping , I tripped and fell coming out of the tent . I looked down and was relieved that there weren 't any bones sticking out or blood . My arm was definitely injured , though . I had taken my brace , so I put it on , but my mobility was very limited due to the pain . I fell on Wednesday afternoon . We were scheduled to leave Friday . We went to the concert as planned Wednesday evening . Thursday I called my doctor and we began to pack up . I hoped to get an appointment with him or someone in the practice Friday . Packing took us all day . I couldn 't lift , my grasp was weak , and Daughter found herself having to do much more of the work than she normally did . The shift in her anti psychotic has slowed her down . My speed was slower , too , since I was doing everything one handed . The campers next door helped us finish up the packing . I was frustrated , because my doctor was going on vacation . He told me to go to the ER and see him when he got back . Friday morning I went to urgent care . The bones are okay , in fact , think the gap in the radius had filled in some more . But the arm was swollen , and continues to be very sore and stiff . It has definitely slowed me down . I see my doctor this week , so we 'll see what he says about it . I did 10 days of naprosyn , and it helped with the pain , but I 'm still sore and stiff . It has improved - - I can close the car door now and button my own jeans . I 'm not doing any heavy lifting , and the congregation has become very protective . They didn 't want me moving things around as we prepared for the funerals this week . I assured them that it hurt enough that I was behaving . It has been a busy time , and I am far behind . Over the next few days , I hope to write several posts updating you in a number of areas . This was my second week back from vacation . I hope that tomorrow will be my first day off . Before I left on vacation , an elderly man was diagnosed with cancer . I visited with he and his wife before I left , and apologized for the fact that I would be away . When they realized I would be gone for 4 weeks , they informed me that if he died before I returned , they 'd wait for me to do the memorial service . They planned on cremation , so that would be possible . He died while I was gone , and they scheduled the memorial service for this past Wednesday night . I was grateful , because that would give me a week to get back into the routine . I was over to their house 3 days last week as we worked out details . There were family dynamics that made it challenging , but I came up with something that pleased everyone . Then , last Friday I got a phone call from the wife of a new member . I knew their daughter was fighting cancer , and had met her at the hospital when her father was being treated for heart issues . Their daughter had gone on hospice care , and wanted to see me . They also wanted to talk to me . Friday I went and visited the daughter , and Saturday the parents came in to talk to me about funeral arrangements . Early Sunday morning she died . I got the call before church , and they wanted to have the funeral today , Friday . I knew what they wanted , and I knew the funeral meal would be huge , since she was a school teacher . Sunday I announced both services , and said we needed a lot of salads and desserts for today . I knew it would be a challenge , as many of our people own summer homes and aren 't around in the summer . I also knew that the families for both of these services would be challenging in the midst of their grief , as they were responding by becoming very controlling . I also found out we had two members having major surgery on Monday . Fortunately , members were already planning to care for them I was grateful that we had finished the bulletins for the Wednesday funeral and this Sunday on Thursday . We always try to work ahead so we can handle big funerals that come up . Wednesday morning I received a phone call from the widow from that evening 's memorial service . An ongoing health issue had come back , and she was in the ER . I began looking for someone who could make a video of the service . We also decided to invite people to write her notes . I also contacted a woman about going up to the hospital to see her . She had come to the church to clean up the quilting room so it could be used for the funeral dinner today , so she cancelled her lunch plans and went to the hospital when she was done in the quilting room . I was especially pleased when I found out the widow had been alone at the hospital - - all the family was mad at her , so no one went to be with her . We had over 150 at the Wednesday night service , which was amazing when I consider the age of the deceased . The service ended up going very well . In fact , I got a beautiful thank you note from the widow the next day . She said a friend had told her it was the best memorial service she had ever attended . We had a reception following that service with finger foods . We had it upstairs in the sanctuary , and that went well . I recruited one of the men to lock up so Administrative Assistant and I could leave . I had stayed through the supper hour to deal with the people who were stopping by to drop things off , so she had picked up Daughter , who wanted to be at the service . Both of these services required a great deal of work . The elderly man was well loved by the congregation , but the woman today wasn 't even known . Her dad hasn 't even been a member a year , and has missed a number of Sundays due to health issues . The congregation I serve is truly amazing . They took care of the people having surgery . Set up our fellowship hall for a funeral dinner for 150 people , and rearranged the sanctuary so there would be seating for over 200 . Members volunteered to bring salads aReverend Mom 1 more sermon . 2 more Sundays , but only 1 more sermon . We were asked to host a guest preacher my final Sunday . The board was enthusiastic in their support . I have now made the reservations for our vacation activities , and I just ordered a kit to paint my brick fireplace . I want to get some home improvement projects done while I 'm off and at home . The new anti - psychotic seems to be helping Daughter . She 's doing pretty well with her working at my house on Tuesdays . Last week she didn 't do a very good job , so she didn 't get very much money . I told her she had to prove she could work even when she was tired or upset before she could get a community job . So today she did a better job . I am ready for some time off . Very ready . I 'm also excited about some of the concerts we 'll see this year . We are going to camp for 9 nights this year . We will be home for the fireworks at the nearby park this year for the first time . I 've invited some friends for a cook out and to enjoy the fireworks . Hopefully we will be able to see them from my back yard . If not , we can walk to the park from here . It will be fun . Posted by We talked about vacation yesterday . I have been putting off making reservations because I was waiting to see what was going to happen with my arm . Yesterday we began talking about it . Daughter said she was bored with doing the same thing every year , and wanted to try something new this year . She had some ideas , and she 'd save the $ 20 she earns a week to pay for it . I had to explain to her that $ 80 won 't pay for a trip to Paris or a week in a cabin . As I continued to explain why we do what we do every year , she wasn 't buying it . I offered her a more realistic alternative . I talked about camping in a different area , and gave her some information about it . She looked at pictures , and thought it sounded good . We talked about what it would be like , and the things we could do . She began to get excited . This conversation and negotiating took over an hour . Then she thought some more . " I want to go back to ( the same place ) . I 'd miss if if we didn 't go this year . " I didn 't know whether to laugh or cry . Posted by Daughter finally saw Psychiatrist today . She was paranoid , and had a meltdown , and she is now going to be changing anti - psychotics . It will take several months to get her up to level on the new one while gradually reducing the old one . I hope it will help . She 's really been struggling . Last weekend she said , " Mom , I don 't know why I 'm so irritable . I don 't want to be . I just can 't stop it . " She has now spent 3 Tuesdays cleaning my house . Overall , it is going very well . It certainly is easing my stress . She 's better able to handle her program now that she 's only there 3 days a week . She 's also getting better at setting aside her emotions to take care of her responsibilities . She collected a long hug from Administrative Assistant and then got busy and completed all her volunteer tasks in the office . She complained about one , AA said it wasn 't hard , so she got busy and finished it . When she was done , she asked if we had more things she could do . She has grown so much . I saw a new doctor this week . A new orthopedic doctor . My 3rd orthopedic doctor . I went to see him to find out if I needed to have my ulna shortened . He pointed out that ulna is definitely not where it should be , and I probably have ligament and other damage that is contributing to that . He wasn 't concerned about the ulna , though , because he took x - rays from different angles , and they showed that the radius has not healed . There is still a gap between the bones . I may be looking at a third major surgery on it , and that would probably take place with yet another specialist . I broke my arm on May 11 of 2013 . The second surgery was in February of last year . I 'm pretty discouraged . The good news is that as long as I wear my brace and avoid chopping down trees ( or doing other impact work ) I can work in my yard . He twisted it around quite a bit , and it didn 't hurt at the time , but it sure was sore the next day . I go back in July - - after more time with the bone stimulator . The good news is I only have to use it on one spot now , so it 's 20 minutes a day instead of 40 . There are staff issues at Daughter 's house . I had a conversation with Home Owner following Psychiatrist appointment today . She was going to address the issues . Part of the challenge is knowing how much of Daughter 's reporting is accurate . I do think that staff has been taunting her . As I told Home Owner , " It 's not smart to poke a tiger . " She 's also been giving her current anti psychotic incorrectly , which reduces its effectiveness . There are also issues with her diet and diabetes management . We are going to have these struggles as long as she is living in a group home . She desperately wants to get out into an apartment on her own . That won 't be happening anytime soon . However , it seems more like a possibility now than a couple of months ago . I didn 't think she 'd be able to handle Tuesdays alone cleaning at my house . But she is . This week I left 3 bananas hanging on the counter , and when I got home there were still 3 bananas on the counter . That is real progress . Posted by Daughter is having a tough time right now . I think she needs a change in her anti psychotic . She is desperately trying to escape the chaos going on in her own head . Last weekend she tried to convince me that she should move back to Tiny Village . She thought she could live on her own there and be happy . I pointed out that she still wasn 't managing to stay out of food . I explained my theory to her , saying she was trying to get away from her thoughts . " Mom , they aren 't even thoughts . It 's a tangled mess in my brain . I can 't figure it out . " I told her she had an appointment with Psychiatrist on Monday . She was furious . She said Psychiatrist was trying to kill her and was using her as a lab rat for her experiments . She said the medication was poisoning her , and she needed to get off of all of it . I asked if she remembered why she had started on medication . She didn 't . I explained to her that she was afraid of the bathroom . She thought her brothers were down the drain waiting to suck her in . The only way she could bathe was if she took a shower with me . I had to stand between the drain and Daughter to keep her safe . The only way she could sleep was if she was on top of me . I mean full body contact . Even at 8 she was a big girl , and so I wasn 't getting much sleep . She was terrified of school , as she saw snakes in her desk . She started her first anti psychotic and I found out how wonderful it was to shower alone . She listened carefully , and then informed me that we should never have changed her medication . I told her why we changed it for the first time : she thought bugs were crawling all over her body . It was also her first hospitalization . She was 10 . I suggested she write what she wanted to say to Psychiatrist , so she did . Monday she called me . " Mom , did you know that my appointment is cancelled ? Case Manager is on vacation . " To say I wasn 't happy would be an understatement . I hadn 't been notified . Her program worker had been notified last Thursday . Her appointment is now May 28 . She is struggling . She told me yesterday , " Mom , I get upset at little things . I can 't control it . I 'm afraid I 'm going to hurt someone . " Last weekend she told me my voice sounded like I was giving up on her . I reassured her I will never give up on her , I was just tired . I am discouraged and frustrated , though . Administrative Assistant leaves for vacation tomorrow morning . She will be gone two weeks . I will be alone in the office . I 'm not looking forward to that . The good stuff : Easter was wonderful . Worship attendance is up , and giving is strong . Daughter has been cooperative and grateful when she 's with me . Last weekend I bought and assembled a new desk that I 'm putting in the family room . I don 't do well with paper , so I bought a Scan Snap and am now scanning the piles of paper around the house . I 'm trying to bring some order to my chaos , in the hopes that will reduce my stress . Posted by I was in the office again today - - 4th day off I 've worked in a row . In addition to finishing Sunday 's sermon , we also managed to finalize the bulletin for Maundy Thursday . We feel like we 're in pretty good shape going into Holy Week . I think we could handle a funeral - - though I certainly hope we don 't have to do that . My goal is always to be far enough ahead on the work we can handle a big funeral . Administrative Assistant was actually able to leave a little early today . She 's been working a lot of extra hours . I 'm glad we 're closing the office for 2 days after Easter . We both are looking forward to that time off . Daughter is still struggling with the staff changes at her house . Home Owner laid into one of the staff members about the way she was treating the residents . Daughter was shocked and pleased . Her concerns were heard . She survived her birthday . She saw Psychiatrist this week , and her lithium was increased again . She goes back in a month . I hope the increase will help . Psychiatrist said that spring causes cycling in many people with bipolar . She also asked me directly what medication changes I wanted . I 'm not sure if that 's good news or bad news . I 'm grateful she respects me , but wish there was a better way to determine needs . I 'm through the third week of my therapy for my arm . I 'm spending 40 minutes a day attached to the bone stimulator . My next x - ray is April 13 . I know my hand and wrist is getting stronger . I hope the bone is also healing . Posted by Daughter has a birthday this week . She will be 28 . Birthdays prompt an existential crisis for her . " I 'm going to be 28 years old . I should be able to live in my own apartment . " We go through this every year . I keep reminding her of what needs to happen for her to live independently . She keeps telling me she 's doing better and can handle it . Of course , it doesn 't help that once again their is changing going on at her group home . One staff member quit after creating much chaos . The continuing staff member yells , triggering Daughter 's PTSD . There is also a new staff member , and a new resident moved in this weekend . Change and Daughter do not get along very well . Holy Week is approaching , and I have been in the office the last three Fridays ( supposedly my day off ) . So Daughter is having an existential crisis and I am lacking in patience . It is not a good combination , and I have been lacking in patience with her . Yesterday I tried to remind her of the conversations we had when she turned 18 and when she graduated from high school . Both times I explained to her that age was just a number , and it didn 't mean she was suddenly all grown up . That 's something else that annoys me . I don 't like the word grown - up , as it implies that we reach a point and no longer need to learn and grow . For people like Daughter , that idea makes accepting limits harder . Administrative Assistant and I have been talking recently about how much she has grown and matured in the 4 1 / 2 years we 've been here . Daughter doesn 't recognize that , which is unfortunate . I keep reminding her , and I continue to hope . She has now been with me for 25 years . Next month we 'll celebrate the 20th anniversary of the adoption . I never thought I 'd still be parenting this intensely at this point . Despite the challenges , I 'm grateful to be her mom . It would be nice , though , if her existential crises came during less busy times in the church year . Posted by This morning I received a phone call at 3 : 45 . When the phone rings at that hour , I have mentally run through the sick list before I answer , anticipating news of a death . This morning , though , I was informed that there was a broken water main in front of the church , which had created a huge sink hole in the middle of the street , which was closed . We would have to cancel worship . So we did . It was the first time I 've had to cancel worship for that reason . I had several more phone calls over the next several hours as we figured out logistics , so I didn 't get up until late . Daughter and I went out to lunch . It has been warm today , so I spent some time working in the yard today . I wore my brace and was very careful . I 'm working on all my exercises from physical therapy , trying to strengthen the wrist . I 'm getting the bone stimulator tomorrow , and I hope that when I go back to the orthopedist after Easter , the bones will be healed . Daughter has been very cooperative this weekend , which has been nice . It 's been a good weekend . Posted by A couple of weeks ago we had our Sunday evening prayer service , which Daughter has come to love . We got into the car following it , and she became to sob . When I asked what was wrong , she told me she must be praying wrong , because the man who had just been diagnosed with cancer wasn 't improving . " Mom , that family has been through so much . They just lost someone they loved . His grandchildren love him so much and are so young . They need him . " I was touched . We talked about prayer all the way home , and by the time I dropped her off , she recognized that it wasn 't her fault . She wrote some lovely thoughts she gave to the widow . Yesterday evening was our monthly children 's ministry . She was so happy following it . " The time with the children is just so good for my spirit . " She was dancing through the store when we stopped to pick up a few things - - and it was late . It is fun spending time with the kids . I enjoyed it , too . We made some changes this month and it improved it . We had the kids suggesting verses to one song , and it was just a fun time . I told Administrative Assistant that one of the things I love about ministry is that while I 'm writing a memorial service I 'm also planning music for the children 's ministry . That variety is wonderful . I 've spent time in the office my last two Fridays , which are supposed to be my day off . While it doesn 't thrill me , it 's okay , as long as it doesn 't happen too often . We have been working ahead , and overall we are caught up . It 's just a matter of having too many major events to prepare for in one week . By going in on Friday , I can finish the sermon and truly enjoy my Saturday , so I consider it time well spent . Posted by There have been hints of spring in the air this past week , and it is much appreciated . The snow and ice are beginning to melt , and I have determined it is now safe to make the journey to the end of my driveway to retrieve my mail . There has been lots going on , and some of it has been stressful , to say the least . Highlights : Daughter continues to cycle , and is often manic . She has two men she is seeing right now , and the one she is going to marry changes daily . Earlier this week she wanted to move into an apartment with one . We had a series of conversations that day , and she was not happy with me , to say the least . At one point , I told her I loved her and the conversation wasn 't going anywhere , so I hung up . She called back so she could hang up on me . While I was meeting with a family to plan a funeral , Administrative Assistant interrupted to tell me a man from adult protective services was at the church to talk to Daughter and me . It seems that they are establishing a pattern of having adult protective services involved with staff changes . . . This time , the old staff didn 't like the new woman , so was convincing the women to report that the new staff member was physically abusing them . Our new treasurer was having difficulty getting the January financial statement to balance . He is now on a quest to find mistakes in past reports . At one point , he wanted all the records since 2007 . We still haven 't received a January financial statement from him . He comes into the office several days a week to ask Administrative Assistant to print him more reports . I finally went for a second opinion on my broken arm . I 'm back wearing my brace ( and Administrative Assistant and I worked together to create sleeves to wear under it to reduce irritation . I 'm getting physical therapy and will be getting a bone stimulator . I go back to the new doctor after Easter . A man came by to talk about his struggles with his adult children . I made a suggestion , and received a text from his wife that evening thanking me . My suggestion had helped . TwoThe daughter called to tell me he had just died . I asked where they were , and told her I was on my way . I asked Administrative Assistant for the address , and wrote a note giving the password for my computer and the key instructions for the Bible study I was supposed to lead in 3 hours . I asked AA to call someone to fill in if I wasn 't back in time . The fire department was still there when I arrived , and I stayed with them through the coroner and the funeral home coming . A member showed up to be with the family , and I left , arriving back at the church in time to lead the Bible study , which the potential sub had set up for me . We had more help than we needed for everything . A member took care of recruiting readers for the service . Someone else coordinated food and had hosts here for the visitation . Someone else prepared a meal for the family last night during visitation , meeting their special dietary needs . AA and I were amazed today . People were seeing needs and taking care of them . A man came up and asked if they should go get more chairs to set up . I suggested they move some of the choir chairs down into the congregation . The next thing I knew , he had six men over there taking care of it . Not only that , but they put them back following the service without being asked . A number of friends of the family commented on how wonderful the congregation had been and the support they 'd provided the family . " There 's a lot of love in this church . " Last night the choir director said he would be at the service today . I said if I 'd known he was taking time off to be there , I 'd have asked him to sing a solo . I mentioned what I had in mind . He said he had the music at home and would be glad to sing it . He scanned the music and emailed it to our pianist last night . He did a beautiful job with it today , and it fit perfectly . We decided it was a God thing . It truly was a gift to see the congregation pull together to surround this family with love , especially when I think about how many of our members are hiding in southern states rPosted by I went to get the " final x - ray " on the arm I broke 21 months ago last Friday . There has been some healing , and it needs to do more . Most concerning , there is a " halo " around one screw , which indicates the bone has been moving and is now loose in the bone . He wants me to come in for another x - ray in the fall . I spoke to my nurse practitioner on Monday . She 's referring me to someone who specializes in the forearm for a second opinion . She also thought it was a good idea to start wearing my brace again . So , I 'm back in the brace . I bought some socks yesterday and am cutting off the toes to make a sleeve to go under the brace . The skin was getting very irritated . I think Daughter is still slightly manic . Her program was closed today , so she called and wanted to come over here this morning . She helped me with some cleaning . A friend came over to play Scrabble this afternoon . Yesterday she had a plan to buy a house , build a house , save money to pay for insurance for the truck she wants to buy . She 's going to finance this with her workshop paychecks . $ 1 . 98 for the last two weeks . When I suggest her plans might not be realistic , she accuses me of not supporting her . I suggested she start by controlling her eating . She really doesn 't want to hear that . I 'm pondering rearranging part of the house . We have a living room we rarely use . I have a sewing machine downstairs , and I don 't like going down the basement stairs . I 'm thinking about bringing it upstairs and turning the living room into an office / craft space . Daughter thinks it 's a great idea . We 'll see . Lent has begun , so life is busy at the church right now . We have a board meeting Monday evening , which will be interesting . It 's the first one after our big planning meeting , so we will be planning how to move forward with the goals we 've set . Posted by Today is my birthday . There have been many years Daughter did her best to ruin my birthday . When I picked her up yesterday , she was complaining about living in a group home and expressing her desire to die rather than continuing to live there . I wasn 't very sympathetic . She managed to turn it around . Today she was up before me , making scrambled eggs , bacon , and toast that she served me in bed . She gave me a pretty little cross necklace with breakfast so I could wear it today . As I walked into my office before worship , I could hear the choir director explaining that today was my birthday . I walked into the choir room and glared . They were embarrassed , but it didn 't stop their plot . They had the congregation sing happy birthday to me before worship . After church Daughter waited ( sort of ) patiently as I talked to various people . Then she took bought our lunches at our usual Sunday lunch diner . We came home and watched a couple of movies one of the men loaned her today . It has been a good day . I 'm realizing that I 'm getting older , and my ministry is beginning to wind down . This fall will be the 30th anniversary of my ordination . I hope to work another 10 years before I retire . I have mixed feelings about retirement . I know Administrative Assistant will probably retire within the next 3 or 4 years . She is 6 years older than I am . I 've tried to talk her into retiring at the same time , but I don 't think that 's working . Lent is rapidly approaching , and so it 's a busy time at the church . Good thing I love my job . I 've been dealing with blizzards - - of snow , of illness , of phone calls . Sunday was the lowest attendance in the 4 years I 've been here . It was snowing heavily . People dispersed relatively quickly after worship . I took Daughter out for lunch and then took her home . When I got home , my poor car could not make it up the slope of my driveway . After several attempts , I parked in the street . I was pondering trying to clear the driveway as I walked up to the house . I slipped on the driveway and my arm started to tingle . I think it was telling me not to even think about it . Yesterday one of the men came over with his snowblower and salt . It still took 3 men to push my car up the driveway to the garage . We cancelled yesterday evening 's meeting and I stayed home . Much of the city was shut down . This morning the roads were better , and I was able to get over to the church ( where one of our men spent 2 1 / 2 hrs clearing the sidewalks and such at the church - - there was 3 ft drift in front of the office door . We are supposed to get more snow overnight . I hope it 's not too much . We have 3 people right now struggling with very serious illnesses . Two are facing death , and one is facing major lifestyle changes . All of them are relatively young . ( Of course , my definition of young changes with each passing year . ) I 'm providing care to the patients and their families and to all the church members who are upset by these illnesses . The final blizzard is the most frustrating . Daughter is manic . She is calling me multiple times a day , and texting when she isn 't calling . She sent a text at 2 in the morning informing me she wanted to learn to drive and she needed a Ford truck . She has a new boyfriend , and wants to get engaged . She informed me this morning that they will be getting married in November . She is driving me buggy . She has decided she doesn 't trust the new staff member , C . Of course , she didn 't like the old staff member , R , until the new one arrived . Last night I received a call from Home Owner . Daughter was refusing to take her mReverend Mom Daughter sent me a text in the middle of the night Wednesday , complaining because staff was telling her she had to stop walking around her room rearranging things . She was making too much noise . She was outraged , because she was trying to be quiet . When she called me in the morning , she was still unhappy . She was even less happy when I supported staff . She informed me that she wouldn 't be coming to the church and hung up on me . I was talking to Sister when she called back the first time . " I know you need me , so I guess I 'll come . " " That 's alright , you can stay home , we can manage without you . " I told Sister she would call back shortly and tell me she wanted to come to the church for her volunteer work and apologize . She did . I agreed to pick her up . When I picked her up , I reminded her of how she had complained when the staff member in the bedroom next to her had had her TV on all night . I reminded her that she said she didn 't mean to disturb her , but it did . Daughter did not like that . When she started whining and complaining , I told her to stop . She was silent a minute , and then complained , " I can 't believe the devil has gotten to my own mother . " I took her back home . She was fighting tears as she went back into the house , and I 'm sure became hysterical once inside . Hopefully she learned something . I informed her she had to apologize to the staff member , and she told me she had yesterday evening . I won 't see her again until Thursday , as I have our big planning meeting tomorrow . She said Home Owner reminded staff that when Daughter is up in the middle of the night , they should give her her sleeping pill . I hope they do , and I also hope she becomes more respectful . She now knows I am willing to make a u - turn and take her back home . That 's good . Posted by Off This was one of those Sundays when a number of things went wrong , and I just felt off all morning . Today we were installing officers , and one of our women was supposed to be lay leader and participate in the installation . She emailed me last night . She was sick , and couldn 't find a sub . So I got to church and had to find someone to take her place . Then the choir was late . The clock in the choir room was 10 minutes slow , and it was time for worship to begin and they were no where to be found . Someone had to go get them , and so worship was late starting . When I got up to preach , there was something wrong with my microphone . It is one that I wear over my ear . I love it . But it was full of static this morning . I turned it off and the sound people gave me a cordless handheld ( I pace when I 'm leading worship ) . I then had to juggle the microphone and the remote to control the Power Point , which requires coordination and multi - tasking skills that I don 't possess . The result : I wasn 't happy with the way worship went this morning . It all felt off . Fortunately , it doesn 't happen very often . Next Sunday I 'm off on a personal retreat day . We have the big planning meeting Saturday , and I use Sunday to pray and reflect on what has been discussed an plan for my priorities . I 'm glad I have it off - - I think I need it . It will be a busy week . Posted by Daughter continues to have her ups and downs , and rationality seems beyond her right now . She is unwilling to take responsibility for her life , and doesn 't recognize how contradictory her statements can be . This morning she was complaining because we are pushing her too hard to fast . Yesterday we were holding her back . She wants to live with a nurse , and she will pay her nurse out of her paycheck ( $ 3 for the last 2 weeks ) . She can 't handle living in group homes . There are too many people and it 's too overwhelming . She wants to live in a larger group home because she 'll be happy there . I have stopped locking food up , and she is responding by getting up and eating during the night . I remind her she can 't have any more freedom until she can control her eating . She can 't handle a painting class at Painting with a Twist because the verbal instructions are too overwhelming . She wants me to help her enroll in nursing school . She has a new boyfriend , but it 's okay because if they get married he won 't force her to have sex . She wants a better job . Her volunteer job at the church is too much work . I am disengaging from the turmoil . I occasionally point out the contradictions , but for the most part I let her talk and just nod . She wanted to come help me this weekend , so she is now pouting on the sofa under a blanket . It 's amazing we both don 't have whiplash . Posted by Life has been busy . After Christmas I 'm always exhausted , and then we had a death while I was on vacation . I gave up 3 days of vacation to plan and lead the memorial service . The widow was mad at me for not getting up to the hospital . The report I had was that they were going to re - evaluate him on Monday and see about sending him to a nursing home . He died Sunday . If I 'd known he was that sick , I would have been there . If they had called and asked me to come , I would have been there . After the memorial service I got hit hard by a virus . I spent a day in bed . Daughter was wonderful , preparing food for me and tending to my needs . I hadn 't recovered from the virus when we had another death and another funeral . The church system has a great deal of anxiety in it right now . People are grouchy and blowing minor things out of proportion . In addition to planning for our big January planning meeting , I 'm also dealing with a woman who has decided to stop treatment for her cancer . I don 't anticipate her living long . She 's in her 50 's , and people are upset about her illness . Every time someone visits her , they call me to process their feelings , which is fine , but takes time and emotional energy . Daughter is still all over the place , desperately trying to escape the chaos in her own mind . Her plans are all totally unrealistic , but she isn 't able to see that . When she went back to the house after Christmas , there was a new live - in staff member . She hasn 't handled that change well . I 'm back to hanging up on her . The good news is that Home Owner has finally decided I know what I 'm talking about . It 's nice to have her respecting me and seeking my input . Administrative Assistant 's comment : " It 's about time . " We still haven 't had our family Christmas . It 's now been moved 4 times do to illness or scheduling conflicts . We are now planning at celebrating at Sister 's on February 14 . Daughter things that 's totally inappropriate because it 's Valentine 's Day . Too bad . I think I have finally recovered from my virus , and I now have a plan for the big planning meeting . Hopefully I will be able to update more frequently now . Posted by I 'm a pastor and a mother . I was ordained in October of 1985 , and began serving this suburban congregation in October of 2010 . In March of 1990 I was asked to take an almost 3 year old " for the weekend . " Five years into the weekend I adopted her . Daughter carries a number of diagnoses : Reactive Attachment Disorder , Post - Traumatic Stress Disorder , Central Auditory Processing Disorder , Bipolar , seizure disorder , and type 1 diabetes . She moved into a group home in November of 2011 . She attends a sheltered workshop and sings in the church choir . View my complete profile Daughter became my foster child in 1990 , shortly before she turned 3 , and I adopted her when she was 8 . Capital is a state capital in the midwest . In October of 2010 I became pastor of a church on the edge of town . Administrative Assistant is my keeper . She runs the office at the church , and at heart is an artist . She helps turn my crazy ideas into reality . Program is where Daughter spends most of her days . She does some piece work and participates in some classes and activities . She 'd like to get community employment , but still has some work to do to make that possible . Sister Best Friend and I met in seminary . We vacationed together for a number of years , and then she got married . We still do some cooperative worship planning . She seves a church less than an hour away . Far Away Sister is 4 . 5 years young than me . She lives across the country . She was an electrical engineer until she stayed home to raise Tall Niece and Nephew . Now that they are graduating , she is planning to become a high school math teacher . Sister is 10 years young than me . She is divorced and the mother of Short Niece . She lives in the same state as Capital . She is a teacher . Brother is 11 1 / 2 years younger than I am . He finally got married in February of 2009 . He lives near Sister . They are the parents of Baby Nephew . Not sure where to begin . This blog has been neglected since April . I have not felt the need to write here of vomit my drama onto these pages at all . My . . .

Yesterday evening a young fellow paid Cliff cash and hauled away the 1655 Oliver . This isn 't the one Cliff uses as a parade tractor , the 1855 . You can read about the purchase HERE . He had it on Craigslist for a long time , asking $ 1 , 000 more than he gave for it . Then he dropped the price by $ 500 , and it still didn 't generate any interest . Finally just the right person decided to look at it and bought it . Cliff said he seemed very enthusiastic about his purchase . There was little , if any , profit made on it , since Cliff put some money into it after buying it . But he felt he had more tractors than he could properly take care of . The fellow who bought it told Cliff he was googling 1655 Olivers a couple days ago and ended up on my blog . He got to find out when and where we bought the tractor , and commented that one picture had been taken in the shop with the 1855 , torn down for rebuild , in the background . So I did a search and found the picture he was talking about . This is it . Cliff has advertised the 1855 on Yesterday 's Tractors a few times and actually received a few calls on it , in spite of the outlandish price tag . The callers , though , were all quite a distance away . It would be quite an expense to haul a tractor through several states . There are still a few odds and ends to be moved , and one deep freeze that I think we 'll keep in the garage ( the one with this two - story house ) . Cliff is thinking he will use the one at the mobile home for a tractor garage . I 've done some cleanup at the other house yesterday and today . I hope to have the electricity turned off by Tuesday . When winter approaches , we 'll do what we must to keep it from freezing . Cliff got some pointers on that from my sister , who was visiting last weekend . She 's spent winters in Texas for years , and has the process down to a science . Last night Cliff and I both took showers here and were surprised to find the water wasn 't soft . He looked in the softener and found out it was totally empty of salt . If the water isn 't soft by Monday , we 'll call Culligan to come and get things going . We are spoiled now ; we like our soft water . We had them take away the one in the mobile home because it was easier to get to than the one the sister - in - law had here , and both were the same . No sense in Culligan coming to get hers and then coming to put ours over at the mobile home in the same spot . Here 's an interesting thing that happened : Travis , one of the next - door twins , happened by with a buddy to use Cliff 's shop and we latched onto them to help move the refrigerator and our very heavy couch . ( You find out who your real friends are when you are moving . ) Now , I 've wanted a new refrigerator for a long time . The crisper drawers long ago fell apart on the old one , and I figured we could take it out to the shop to use when the garden is over - producing , or when I 'm saving up milk to make cheese . I 'm not in the market for a big , fancy refrigerator . I just want some crisper drawers . Anyway . Cliff got the refrigerator over here , plugged it in , and it started running . However , an hour or so later it was not running any more , and it hadn 't even started getting cool . It was about 4 P . M . , and we were totally numb from all the lifting , walking , and hauling we had done ; there 's no way we wanted to get cleaned up and go to Sears . I mentioned the appliance store in Odessa , which is only a few miles from us but closes at 5 . I called to see if they had a fridge small enough to fit in the place were a refrigerator has to go in this house , and the lady said yes , she had one . However , when she described it and told me the price , it was $ 100 more than a similar one at Sears . I wasn 't that desperate . We got out the coolers . Cliff went after ice and we put the perishables in the coolers . As soon as we had done all this , Cliff walked past the refrigerator and said , " Hey , come here and listen : Is this thing running ? " It was indeed . I was so happy to have that problem disappear . Monday we go buy a full - size box springs and mattress , since there isn 't really enough room in our bedroom for a queen - sized bed . We already have it picked out , so all we have to do is go get it . We 've never cared for queen - size anyhow . We spent most of our lives sleeping in a full bed , and we 're both glad fate took a hand . Whew . I sat down thinking I had nothing to put in my blog and got all carried away . Posted by Yes , there are many changes going on around here lately . Cliff sold the 1655 Oliver , and I will address that later . We 're mostly moved back into the old house that built my children , who were ages six and eight when we bought the place . But there is Iris . Poor Iris was so confused when we got half of our furniture moved into what she considered to be Angel 's house , Angel being Cliff 's sister 's mini - dachshund . Little by little she has figured out that we are going to live here . After all , the stuff she knows is ours is all here : Her bed is here , and her dog food dish . She 's decided to live with us , wherever we go . Iris sheds a lot , and one of her worst habits was rolling over on her back on our carpet , rubbing it to and fro on the carpet , and then getting up and shaking in such a way that hair goes everywhere . When we started moving here , I suggested to Cliff that we keep her off the carpeted rooms ( the living room and the bedroom ) . This means she lives in the kitchen ( because everybody wants dog hair in their kitchen , right ? ) , the hallway , and the bathroom . Iris may be a basket case in many ways , but after less than 24 hours she has figured out that she isn 't supposed to be in the carpeted rooms . Oh , she has forgotten a couple of times , and once she deliberately tried to tippie - toe into the living room ; but when either of us tell her no , she quickly backtracks . She actually seems calmer than we 've ever seen her . Maybe we should have given her boundaries long ago , but of course , had we limited her to non - carpeted areas at the mobile home , she would only have had the tiny kitchen . And there really wasn 't room for a dog bed in that kitchen . Meanwhile , Iris bids my readers a sweet good night from the kitchen of the old house on Woodhaven Acres . In the process of getting acquainted with the baby we are watching , I have spent a lot of time hovering over her , checking her diaper , and learning to use new - fangled inventions they didn 't have when I was a young mother . Even the bottles are different . She is a very good baby , and starting to smile ( REALLY smile , not gas smiles ) and trying to coo . Because she is so young , she isn 't afraid of strangers , but looks us right in the eye as if she has known us forever . Today I 'm trying to learn her routine and I haven 't done much but hover ; once I get to know her better and settle down and relax , she seems as though she will be an easy baby to have around and will give me plenty of time to do the things around here that need to be done . At this point , even when she is sleeping you 'll catch me bending near her face to make sure she 's breathing . Cliff and I discussed this morning whether to try and rent this mobile home out . He was all for it , and I was ready to give it a shot . He wanted me to put in the ad something about how we only wanted two people . That 's when I found out you can 't say that . You also can 't say " older people " . So we called Cliff 's brother who is very familiar with the renting process , and he confirmed all this , and also mentioned that we HAD to show the house to anybody who called to ask about it , if we placed an ad . So , at this point " word of mouth " is the only way we would rent it . If we met someone face to face who had a child or two , we might be flexible on our requirements if they seemed like upstanding folks . We might even allow them to have one dog , who knows . But we don 't want to be forced to rent to someone with ten kids , because there would go my peace of mind out the window and I 'd be back in the same situation I was five years ago . Posted by We have several things going on , so my head is filled with a jumble of stuff and yet really nothing to blog about . We will have Baby Cora for the first time tomorrow . Her mom is going to ease back into the working life slowly , only Monday and Wednesday this first week . So of course , that 's on my mind . We are so ready ! And then there 's the move back to the house , which we 'll get done by next Thursday , I am hoping . Then we 'll have the electricity turned off at the mobile home , probably a week from Monday . We want to clean the place up before we close it up . We 're going to buy a large supply of mouse and rat poison , because those critters would take over an empty house if you let them . A couple of people have asked what we intend to do with the mobile home . I tell them we are just going to wait and see what happens . I know this sounds strange to most folks , but it works for us . We are losing the $ 200 a month we got for rent , but the kids who rent our pasture for their horses ( they are Cora 's parents ) are going to bring a third horse before too long . Between that , the money saved on a phone bill , and the money I 'll get for babysitting , we won 't even miss the $ 200 . In fact , I think we will come out better than we were . That 's usually how things seem to go around here , as though Someone might be watching out for our interests . Cliff 's sister is totally moved out . The weekend was nice , with my sister coming for an overnight stay last night , and Cliff 's younger sister and her husband in and out as they were helping Rena get ready for the movers . Good times ! Posted by You asked my daughter to relay a message to me because , like so many other readers , you can 't leave comments here . You wondered if Kelly from Georgia was still blogging . Well , I think her blog still is there , but she hasn 't done entries for a long time . I wish she would , because I follow her on Facebook , and wow , the changes she has made since she was blogging you would not believe . She still has some chickens , but they are no longer her number one priority . If you are on Facebook , you can follow her as Kelly Lindsey Corley . She has become my inspiration . She has a remarkable story to tell . Cliff and I went to see the insurance man about our house insurance , since I knew already that it costs less to insure a home the owner is living in . Indeed , it turns out we are getting far more insurance for quite a bit less money . We have moved our auto insurance a couple of times lately , the last time to Progressive . While we were talking to our independent insurance agent , I had him look over our policy . Guess what ? He gave us twice the amount of insurance for less money . Folks , there is a definite advantage to dealing with an independent insurance agent . Why did I wait so long to talk to him ? Back at home , I called Direct TV to have them set up a time to move the dish next door . We had everything agreed on , and then he asked what credit card I wanted the moving cost to go on . " You charge for moving it next door ? " I asked . " Yes , there is always a charge for moving . That will be $ 75 . " " Oh well , never mind . Once we are back at the house , we can have cable . " The local cable TV isn 't great , but it was good enough for me to make a threat that I could follow through with , if I had to . " Oh no , I 'm not going to let you do that , " the guy answered . I did have to do a new service agreement , which means if we leave before a two - year contract is up , we pay $ 20 for each month that 's left on the agreement . But we like Direct TV pretty well . I don 't see us changing . That got me thinking about that cable option at the old house . I loved their Internet , it was SO much faster than DSL . And wait , if we don 't need the phone company for Internet , we don 't need the phone ! So I called the cable company and set up a time for them to hook us up for Internet only , which costs $ 30 . Getting rid of DSL and the phone , even counting the five - dollar bundling discount we 'll lose with Direct TV , will save us $ 50 a month . Now all I have to do is call the phone company and bid them goodbye . Posted by Cliff and I were walking past the clover field and noticed the invasive Dock weeds were taking over once again . " I need to come back here and mow , " Cliff said . " The seeds are already there ; looks to me like if you mowed , the seeds would just lie there until next spring and germinate and grow a new crop . " He agreed . I decided to take my nippers back to that field and wage a war on sour dock . I took the bucket you see above and started cutting off the seed heads . Cliff considers it " mission impossible " , but by george , every bucketful holds thousands of seeds that won 't fall to the ground and grow . Those brown seed - heads are ready to fall now , so I handle them carefully as I put them in the bucket . When the bucket is full , I take them to our junk ditch and toss them over the edge . I 've cleared about 10 percent of the field of the seed heads , and probably won 't come close to getting them all before all the seeds dry up and drop to the ground . But there 's an old saying , " Do something , lest ye do nothing . " Well , I 'm doing something . At least the several thousand seeds I removed will be that many that don 't reproduce . It 's sort of like when I use the Furminator on Iris . I work on her for ten minutes , getting handfuls of dog hair that flutter and blow around the yard , enough hair to make a puppy , it would seem . She comes in the house and shakes , and just as much hair flies as it did before all my work . But I tell myself with each handful of hair I remove outside , " At least this is 5 , 000 hairs that won 't be in my house . " Posted by Hi Donna , I will tell you my experience with Diet Coke and aspartame . For years I drank diet coke , probably a can a day and more on weekends , without any side effects . I too used to have terrible stomach pains , bloating , etc . after eating but never thought anything of it . Then I started to get really achy joints , especially my knees , it felt like I had fluid around my knee joints and it was difficult to get up from a kneeling or even a sitting position . About this time I read / heard about side effects from aspartame and one of those being stiff joints , so I decided to quit diet coke . Wow , not an easy thing to do , that stuff is really addictive . Most people would say it 's the caffeine in the drink , but I was still drinking lots of coffee , so that wasn 't it . Long story short , without diet coke in my life , the stomach pains and the stiffness and pain in my knees went away . Never thought about the damage it was doing to my organs . I went without diet coke for years and then like most addicts I gave in one day when I was craving a soda and had one . I love the taste of Diet Coke , not pepsi or any other drink , just diet coke . A Diet Coke once a week when I went for groceries turned into more , especially during hot summer months . I was on the train again , and soon the knee stiffness and pain returned . I am once again weaning myself off of Diet Coke , . Fortunately , since I only get to town once a week , it is easier to keep it out of the house but I still have trouble passing it up in the soda aisle . I think the chemicals build up in your system over time and that 's when the problems arise . I also used to use Splenda as a sweetener but have given that up as well . Maybe some people can drink this stuff without side effects but I can 't . Will be interested to see the comments on your blog . Another thing I 've noticed , and Cliff , the hard - core Diet Coke drinker ( he does try to hold it down to one or two a day ) agrees : There seems to be something addictive about Diet Coke , whether it 's the aspartame or something else . People who drink Diet Coke seem to go around with a can in their hands all the time . Just so you know , when I drink pop , it 's Pepsi Throwback , because I like the taste . I buy a twelve - pack and it lasts one to two months . Usually the 12 - ounce can is more than I want and I pour some of it down the drain . If any of you have had a similar experience , email me and I might share your story here . No , this is not going to become an anti - Coke blog . I 'll get back to the chickens and cows tomorrow . I , personally , don 't use aspartame . I don 't care for any of the diet sodas . Cliff drinks quite a bit of Diet Coke . I do use Sweet N Low in our morning oatmeal or cream of wheat , and in tea ; but that 's saccharin , something that 's been around for years . You can go to Google and search for facts about Aspartame ; what comes up is a bunch of witch - doctor stuff from the same kinds of people who take alfalfa pills and such . . . people who are usually among the sickest I know , by the way , always having headaches and other problems . So I 've ignored the criticism of aspartame until lately , until someone I know had a personal experience . When I say " a person I know " , I 'll tell you I have never met her in person , but I 've known her online for years . Kelly lives in Georgia , and she 's had a personal experience with aspartame . This morning I asked her on Facebook to summarize her experience with the product so I could blog about it . Here 's what she had to say : I drank a lot of drinks with aspertame in them . For months I had what I thought was stomach pains off and on . Especially right after I would eat , it would get bad . Once the pain started I had to lay down or it would get worse , and sometimes it got worse anyway . I would take pain killers to try and make it subside . ( Ibuprofin , etc ) Usually it won out and I would go down for days . I couldnt do anything from the pain . Shelby and Ian had to fend for themselves and the chickens and animals had to be cared for best they could by Ian and Shelby . I went to visit a friend in Alabama and it got so bad there I waited until daylight and then drove home moaning and in miserable abdomina pain . Once I got home I laid down . By 10 : 30 that night I told Ian I couldn 't take the pain anymore to take me to the hospital . Once we got to the hospital and I was checked out , they took a blood sample of course and came back and said Mrs . Corley do you know you have diabetes ? I was floored . They set up for me to have an ultrasound done of my liver . As I waited they gave me an IV of morphine to help witAs a side note , after I left the hospital , even after I was diagnosed with diabetes , I was sent to a gastrologist ( gastrointestinal doc ? ) and I think to this day he just wanted to do a bunch of stuff to me because I had good insurance . He asked me questions like do you have acid reflux . No , I do not . Do you have ulcers ? No , I do not . He wanted to send me to the hospital to have a biopsy done on my liver , which would have required a 48 hour stay , and a painful procedure . He also wanted to run a camera down my throat and into my stomach just to ' check ' and be sure . Wait . We already established it was my LIVER and it was not anything to do with my stomach ? ? I know some people trust docs to do whatever to them , but I said NO . I walked out , and guess what ? I didnt die ! I am still here ! Amazing isnt it ? I knew what had caused it . It was the aspertame in the drinks . I stopped that , never touched anything with it in it again , and my liver healed itself . We moved back here behind the barn five and a half years ago . I threw away a few books , but kept most : some I thought I would eventually read , and some I loved the first time I read them . Looking at the bookcase in the bedroom , I realized that I haven 't read , or re - read , any of the books I moved . And I 'm getting ready to move them back to the house ? That 's silly , I muttered to myself . I 'll just keep the ones I have a real attachment for . But as I went through them , half of those books tugged at my heart ! Here are some I am definitely keeping : a book about old Kansas City by a local author who is also a Facebook friend ; a Bible Story book like the one I read as a child ; a couple of books about Johnny Cash and one about Hank Williams ; all my Pioneer Woman books because they are personally autographed to me , by name ; a little self - published book , I think , about the history of the town of Wellington ; an old Uncle Wiggly Book I used to read to my oldest grandson ; and some shape - note hymnbooks from my childhood . Here are some I wanted to keep , but decided to stop hoarding . There are three Bibles here , and it 's hard for me to throw away a Bible . That one in the foreground , " Horses Never Lie " , turned my last horse into my best buddy , but I won 't have any more horses and it 's stupid to keep it . There 's a box set of the Little House On the Prairie books I 'm attached to but won 't read again . A couple of nice coffee - table books by Life Magazine , but we don 't have a coffee table and I 've never done more with them than flip through to glance at the quite interesting pictures . I 've read Jimmy Carter 's book , " An Hour Before Daylight " , twice and love it , but I 'm probably done with it . These books are all leaning because of the ones I removed . A lot of these I picked up cheap at garage sales thinking I 'd read them . There are a couple of Sue Grafton books there , and I see yet another Bible . Since I started reading E - books , I seem not to have a desire to read actual books . Thrift stores accept books , and that 's probably where I 'll t * added later * I posted this link on Facebook , and one friend asked for the Little House set and " Horses Never Lie " . Posted by It has been a marvelous year for tomatoes around here , even though they got off to a late start due to a chilly spring . I have canned tomatoes and juice , and my daughter has hauled bushels of tomatoes to work to pass out amongst her co - workers . The supply is slowing down and the tomatoes are getting smaller . Blight has almost killed the heirloom varieties , while the blight - resistant plants look as though they will give us tomatoes until frost , and even after , if I pick some of the green ones and bring them inside . I 'm sick of messing with tomatoes now . I don 't need to can any more . A while back I tried my hand at sauce . Thanks to advice from a friend who had already been down that road , I knew I should put the juice in my heaviest pan to reduce it to sauce ; a light - weight pan , she told me , would cause the juice / sauce to burn and stick to the bottom . My mother gave me her two best stainless steel pans many years ago . She bought them at one of those parties where a guy cooks a meal for several people with very few groceries , using little or no oil or shortening . The pans were terribly expensive ; I was surprised Mother bought them , as frugal as she was . Anyhow , she used them for years and passed them along to me . The pan you see here is the larger one , which holds a little over a gallon . Last time I made tomato sauce it cooked for six hours or so on medium , and never offered to stick . Now , my Ball Blue Book said to reduce the juice 50 % and it would be sauce . Perhaps they assumed I would be using Roma tomatoes , which don 't produce as much juice as regular ones , because when it was reduced by half , it was about the thickness of commercially canned tomato juice . I 'd say I reduced mine down to about 20 % of what I started with before it seemed thick enough . I canned the sauce in half - pint jars and came up with six jars . You can buy tomato sauce for fifty cents a can . I cooked all day long , made a big mess , and had three bucks ' worth of product at the end . Not worth it , I decided . I probably used three bucks ' worth of proSo guess what I 'm doing today ? Making more sauce . I had all these ripe tomatoes sitting around the kitchen in buckets and I just hated to think about tossing them out . I guess there 's the pride of making it myself to be considered . Posted by Cliff 's sister wisely decided to buy a house , and will be moving in a week . The more I thought about renting either the house or the mobile home out , the less I liked the idea . If we stayed here in the mobile home , we would have to pay two electric bills , because Cliff 's shop , the barn , and , most important , the well pump , are with the old house . Also , the mortgage is on the house , not the mobile home . The house has to be insured so if it burns down , the bank gets their money . Insurance companies won 't insure a house that is uninhabited . I love living back here behind the barn , but it 's more about the location , not about the actual dwelling . I can walk back here any time I please and stroll among the flowers . We are not really giving up anything except the little dab monthly that we were getting from Cliff 's sister . Five years ago we had a mobile home across the driveway from the house where my mom once lived ; when she moved on to senior housing , we rented it to a family of four who paid their rent and really didn 't cause a lot of problems , but there was a lack of privacy and the place grew more unsightly and cluttered over the years . When I walked out the back door , that mess was the first thing I saw . Now , when we move back and I walk out the door of the old , two - story house in the morning , I will actually be able to see the sun rising over the pasture . In the old days , between the teenagers living in the trailer , teenagers on the left , and teenagers on the right , all of them trekking across our yard and partying all night practically right outside our window , I felt like I lived in a ghetto . The rental trailer is gone , some of the former neighbors have moved , others have simply grown up and matured , and there seems to be very little partying or brawling at 3 A . M . these days . Not that any of that ever bothered Cliff , because once he takes his hearing aid out and goes to bed , he hears nothing . Cliff 's sister made some improvements to our old house , with us footing the bill , of course . There is air conditioning now , and better storm windows all around , and some other amenities . I will have a larger kitchen with a much bigger sink and more counter space than this place has , and the water pressure is better there . There are advantages , and actually , if I made a list , that house probably has more going for it than the mobile home . If the right person came to our door and asked about renting either place , we would think about it . But we aren 't going to pursue renters . I am enjoying my privacy . Cliff told me that if we move back to the house , it is enP . S . I went to a Passion Party last night . It was fun . I won a prize that Cliff now uses to scare the dog . And that 's all I 'm saying about that . 3 . Heat oven to 350 . Cook 40 to 45 minutes or until knife inserted near center comes out clean . 4 . Cut into 10 wedges and serve . I cut it into 4 wedges , and by my figures that comes to about 250 calories per serving , even with all that cheese . I nearly always forget to add the lemon juice , so I guess it isn 't needed . This is a recipe I had forgotten about for ages , or when I did think of it there was no bacon in the house , or no chopped spinach in the freezer . I don 't have to worry about eggs at the present time , since I 'm getting about six a day from my hens . In fact , that 's what jogged my memory about the recipe , wondering , " How can I use all these eggs ? " However , this is not the dish from my childhood that the title speaks of . My mother , grandma , and aunts probably never heard of quiche . I needed to decide what to fix to go with the leftover quiche . I decided to use the half - head of cabbage in the refrigerator to make stir - fried cabbage with onion and green peppers . I could have made smothered okra , but we just had that a few days ago . Looking at all the tomatoes sitting around the kitchen , it came to me : Macaroni and tomatoes : I love that , and I never think to make it ! So I skinned a few tomatoes , chopped them , and cooked them with finely diced bits of sweet pepper and onion to make stewed tomatoes . When that was well cooked , I added some salt . . . not much , because I don 't salt heavily . And I added enough sugar so there was a pleasant sweet taste to it , and enough corn starch to thicken it . I poured in the macaroni I had boiled , and took a taste . Perfection ! Cliff 's Aunt Gertrude is the only person I know , other than me , who still makes macaroni and tomatoes . She serves the dish at almost every family dinner at her house . When we 're there , I 'll see it on the table and think , " How come I never remember to make that ? " I 've seen and heard it called a depression dish because it doesn 't cost much to make . And there 's plenty left for tomorrow ! How many of my readers aged fifty and over ate macaroni and tomatoes as a child ? I 'll bet most of you , especially those with roots on the farm . How long has it been since you 've made it ? And now I 'm remembering another favorite : Creamed macaroni . It 's something I used to ask Grandma to make when I spent time at her house . Another depression dish . Posted by Every afternoon around four o ' clock , I let the chickens out . I feel guilty that they don 't have a pen attached to their house , and letting them roam for a couple of hours makes me feel better . Animals have a sense of time when they are on a certain schedule , and as it approaches four P . M . , those chickens come swarming to the door of their house to meet me . When I open the door wide , they come running and half - flying out and start scratching in the grass . On these hot days , they make their way to the garden and loll around in the dirt to cool off between the rows of tomato plants . They peck holes in the lower - hanging tomatoes , which at this point bothers me not at all , because I have plenty to share with them . The way Iris attacked small animals when I first got her , I would never have thought she would hang around chickens without killing them , but she acts as though they are invisible . The other day I actually saw the rooster chase her away . The two Buff Orpington hens ( the light - colored ones ) are very tame , and one of them will even squat at my feet and let me pick her up when I reach down toward her . All of the full - size hens will come up to me as I sit in a chair and eat chicken scratch out of a cup as I hold it , and one of them will fly up onto my lap . Cliff 's brother gave me this banty hen because next year I want to have a hen to hatch a few chicks , and banties are the ones you can count on to go broody . I call her Little Bit . Because Chickie and Little Bit are at the bottom of the pecking order , they tend to stay in the hen house for awhile when the others are outside , catching up on their eating . In fact , Little Bit seems to be scared to leave the hen house . However , Chickie is gradually blending in with the flock . I was surprised to see the rooster and the others so close to her little cooling - off bed in the tomatoes without attacking her , and without her running away . Here you see my okra plants . I counted twenty of them this morning ; I could easily get all the harvest I want from ten . Perhaps I will remember that next year . These plants are now taller than I am , and by the time the season is over , I 'll almost need a ladder to pick them . Last year a strange thing happened , at least locally : the plants never got tall . They produced a crop just fine , but everybody around had short okra plants . Perhaps it had something to do with the drought . Okra demands nothing of me . Once it has germinated and gotten a good start , it doesn 't need to be watered , no matter how bad the drought gets . The plant originally comes from Africa , and seems to thrive in the heat . I love fried okra , especially since I found this recipe . Southern I cook mine in a cast - iron skillet on medium heat . This year I 'm experimenting with coating it , spreading the pieces on a cookie sheet so they don 't touch , freezing it , and pouring it into a freezer bag . Here 's hoping we can enjoy fried okra a few times this winter . I enjoy smothered okra , too . For use in this type of recipe and for the gumbo below , I simply slice the pods and freeze them . I don 't thaw before using , just measure the frozen , sliced okra and add it right to the pot . chicken and heat through . I also like to toss a handful of frozen slices into any vegetable soup or stew I make in the winter . How much okra you use depends on how much you like the " slime " it creates . Jenny bawled pretty much non - stop yesterday and , as far as I know , all night long last night . Right now there is silence , so she must have gotten hungry enough to graze . On the plus side , Miss Jenny has always been a bit of a touch - me - not . Who needs humans when you have your mom to take care of you , right ? Well , now she lets me pet her , rub her back , and scratch her neck . She has never cared much for grain . This morning after shooting this video , she actually ate the sweet feed I served her . We might end up best friends . I told Cliff Jenny was standing at the barn door as though waiting for her mom to come out , as she did when I milked Jody . Cliff said , " Why not let her in the barn so she can see Jody isn 't there ? " Why didn 't I think of that ? The man has finally learned some things about cow psychology from me . I opened the door back and secured it in place , and Jenny went inside and sniffed at every item in there . When she came back out she left the barn area , rejoined the other cows , and after a few minutes , stopped her incessant bawling . Posted by We 've having near one - hundred degree temperatures every day , with no rain , as usual . The garden continues to produce food for the table , though . My mid - summer - planted beets are a great success , even though the sweet potato vines have completely covered them up . You really have to search to find those beets . You may recognize the leaf of another plant in that picture . Somehow some melons ended up in there with the sweet potatoes . I don 't recall planting melons in that area , but who knows ? I 'm watering these late carrots with a watering can in the evenings . I was amazed at the radishes I planted a month ago . They aren 't too hot , and made nice big , round radishes . This is my most recent planting , which seems to be doing well too . I don 't eat many radishes , but Cliff devours them . The lettuce I planted the same day hasn 't emerged ; seems like I read someplace that lettuce won 't germinate in hot weather , so it may never do anything . Three days ago I found some beet seeds and planted those . I don 't know if there 's time for them to develop before winter , but I 'm learning new things just by trying . Beets are SO reliable ! I don 't can my pickled beets . I make up a gallon or so and store them in the refrigerator . The cookbook says they will keep in the refrigerator for a month ; I don 't know about that , since a gallon of pickled beets never lasts that long around here . I 've learned to cook the beets in the evening and let them set all night . That way they are cool when I peel them and put them to simmer in the pickling solution the next morning . I am surprised that I haven 't heard Jenny bawling for her mother , Jody , this morning . She must have been ready to wean . I expected things to be pretty noisy around the barnyard for a couple of days , at least . This morning she was calmly grazing with the rest of the herd . Posted by I first read this poem in an ancient version of " Book of Knowledge " . I was 10 or 12 years old when I discovered it . I 've never been one to have a lot of friends , so these words spoke to me in a huge way that you probably can 't even imagine . They still do . There is truth in these verses . Back in my teens and early twenties , this poem kept hope alive in my soul . Someone on Facebook posted a quote by John Burroughs , and it reminded me of these words from his golden pen . His words probably changed my life . Never give up . We waited as long as we could today to take Jody to the butcher shop . At 3 : 30 I went back on " the point " where the cows were lying in the shade . I put a halter on her , attached the lead rope , and made her get up . She followed me just like a dog would follow . The phrase " like a lamb to the slaughter " came to mind ( Isaiah 53 : 7 ) . We had very little problem getting her in the stock trailer , which makes me feel good . I don 't like animals that are heading to the butcher shop to get upset in any way . As I was leading Jody from the back of the pasture I thanked her for being such a good pet when she was small ; for being such an easy cow to milk , never kicking or messing in the barn while I was milking ; and for presenting me with a beautiful heifer calf . I also thanked her for the meat we 'll be putting in our freezer . She has fulfilled her purpose on earth in many ways . Isn 't that what life is about ? People always tell me they could never eat meat from an animal they raised , but I have no problem with that . Oh , I 'm teary - eyed right now , but I would rather eat the meat of an animal that I know had a wonderful , happy life than to eat meat of cattle that are so cruelly treated in a slaughter - house . Jody weighed a little over 1 , 000 pounds . Dairy animals butcher out at about 50 % , so that 's around 500 pounds of beef , mostly ground . The oldest grandson and Heather are paying for the processing at the butcher shop , and for that they get half the meat . I chose not to put any pictures of Jody in this entry . If you want to see pictures of her , just type " Jody " in the search feature at the upper left - hand corner of my blog . Many entries , with pictures , will come up . The two grown cows , Bonnie and Jody , had no problem going through the opening in the electric fence to get to the clover , as I mentioned in another entry . I had to lead Gracie through twice before she got the idea , and it took four times of being led into the clover for Penny to get the idea ; but this morning she made it . That left three bovines outside the clover : Jenny , George , and Crystal , who are not tame enough to lead . Yesterday I told Cliff , " I think if we rigged something up with a couple of panels so it would look to the cows like they were going through an opening in a regular fence instead of an electric fence , we could get them all in there . " Cliff couldn 't see why I was so worried about getting them all into the clover field , since there is plenty of grazing outside that area . But he 's used to patronizing my whims . ( I want them on that clover because it 's higher in protein than plain old grass , so they can grow faster , make more milk , grow a nicer calf , etc . ) So here 's what Cliff did . Instead of concentrating on the nearby " hot wire " , the cows would now feel as though they were going through an ordinary fenced entryway . You 've probably figured out by now that cows aren 't all that bright . All but one of my cows will now enter to eat the clover . That white one that you can see between two other cows , in the distance ? That 's George . He 's on the outside , keeping as close to his herd as possible . If all else fails , he can hang out with the horses . Poor Lonesome George . * UPDATE ON THE PREVIOUS ENTRY * Grace found her way into the clover field unassisted . I still had to lead Penny in , but she hardly fought it at all . There is hope ! In the most distant row , you can see carrots that hardly did anything , thanks to the drought . One row closer , there 's a spotty row of Top Crop green beans that I would have pulled up , but I think maybe I 'll get a mess or two of green beans out of it ; those things produce amazingly well . Closer yet is the late row of carrots I planted in August . Most of them came up , and I am hoping for some homegrown carrots in the next few weeks . On the left side of the picture , that 's where the late cabbages were . The plants did well , but the worms invaded big time . I still managed to salvage about six heads . They were planted from seed , so they didn 't cost much . You are looking at a sea of sweet potato vines , Beauregard variety ( with Virginia Creeper and honeysuckle mixed in ) . You can 't tell by the picture , but one row of these sweet potatoes takes up eighteen feet of space altogether . I know this because I took my tape measure out and checked . I love sweet potatoes , but imagine how many rows of something else I could have planted in that space . Probably about six . Maybe I won 't plant sweet potatoes next year . Of course , we do have over forty acres . Maybe I 'll just have Cliff plow up more garden space . We 've had the cows in the alfalfa / grass field for some time , but they were trimming it a little shorter than we liked . We have both hayfields electric - fenced . The way we keep the horses out is to string an electric wire up high enough for the cows to get under , but low enough that the horses would get shocked if they tried to go in . This has always worked great , with the exception of one of Bonnie 's calves , who refused to ever go under the electric fence . While his mother feasted on the good stuff , he picked at bluegrass on the outside . This was the opening to the alfalfa / grass field . Cliff closed it off yesterday with a piece of cattle paneling . No cow has ever hesitated to enter that field . This is the opening to the clover field . Crystal , Bonnie 's daughter , will not go through that opening . Neither will George , seen at the right of the picture . The other four are in the field , but two of them were dragged in by me . Four cows in the clover ( Bonnie , Jody , Grace , and Penny ) , three cows outside ( Crystal , Jenny , and George ) . Penny in mid - chew , knee - deep in clover . She 's wearing a halter because I had to drag her into the clover with a rope . No easy task for an old woman . I 've seen this question posed time and time again . I have thought of various people I admire , thinking how nice it would be to meet them . Then I realize I wouldn 't know what to say to them if I met them . I 'd be so tongue - tied , I would be wasting my time with any of those idols of mine . Last night Cliff and I were watching Youtube videos of old country music entertainers , and I suddenly realized I had found the one person I could meet ; the one who , if I became tongue - tied , would talk to me until I felt comfortable . Willie Nelson . We 've seen him perform in person . He cares about his audience . We love him for that . But watching a video of him singing back in the old days before he became " an outlaw " , back when he was a Baptist deacon , I watched his face . I watched his eyes . I would be comfortable talking to him . Here 's the video that made me realize I really do want to meet Willie Nelson . Be sure to look at that face , those eyes . Watch closely . Posted by Sometimes you worry even when you think you are not worrying . Cliff recently went to the doctor for his yearly physical . All his prescriptions needed renewing , so there was no way out of going . After the examination and a few questions , the doctor told us he would see us in a year , that everything looked good and that the office would call with results of his blood tests . Two days later a nurse called to say that one of his tests showed him to be a little anemic ; he needed to go back and get yet more blood tests . " No wonder I 'm anemic , " Cliff said . " They are taking all my blood ! " On the way home , he asked me why he would be anemic , since that has never been a problem before . " Well , " I told him , " four months ago a surgeon came out of the operating room to tell me that your gall bladder was fused to your liver . He said getting it removed was like taking paint off a wall . I imagine you lost quite a bit of blood in the process of a seven - to - eight - hour surgery . I 'll bet that 's the cause . " " Oh yeah , you 're probably right , " he answered . Usually any time blood tests are run at our doctor 's office , we get a call the next day with results , even if everything is normal . As we got ready to go to Iowa , I mentioned that they would probably be calling Thursday as we traveled , to let us know what the new tests revealed . They didn 't , nor did they call Friday . The first thought in my mind ? I swear to you , I thought , " They aren 't calling because it 's bad news and they don 't want to ruin our holiday weekend . " Where did THAT come from ? I didn 't think I was worried at all . At this point , the word " leukemia " sneaked into my brain . You need to remember that I 'm a little punchy after that mess in April . Oh yeah , and the memory of the daughter 's fight last year with cancer always looms near ; sure , she 's cancer - free , but cancer leaves a long shadow that never quite goes away . A person just never knows what 's going to sneak up on her or her family . Today Cliff got a voice mail on his cell phone saying to call and get the results . I called back and left them a voice mail . That two - hour wait for them to call back had me on pins and needles . Finally they called , telling Cliff things were fine but that they want to see him in three months . Whew . We are assuming they just want to make sure he isn 't anemic at that time , because originally he wasn 't supposed to go back for a year . But I feel MUCH better . I rode the merry - go - round at Old Thresher 's , and I made Cliff ride too . He wouldn 't get on a horse , though . He sat on a bench seat behind me . These horses don 't go up and down like those on merry - go - rounds of my childhood ; they simply rock back and forth like a rocking chair . Just think , my grandmother was only a girl when this thing was manufactured . This is what makes the merry - go - round go around . Steam power ! Yes , I 've been busy Cliff and I wanted to go to Mt . Pleasant , Iowa , for the Old Settler 's Reunion . Trouble is , we no longer have a camper , and motels for fifty miles around are usually booked months ahead for the event . I mentioned that we could buy another tent , but neither Cliff or I wanted to do that . I started calling motels , just in case somebody might have cancelled at the last minute . Imagine my surprise when the second motel I called had one room available : It was $ 119 , and had a Jacuzzi tub . That 's more than I like to pay for a motel , but I knew it was our only chance , so I grabbed it . I usually read a book aloud , on a road trip , to keep Cliff awake and to make the time pass faster for both of us , but this time I checked out some audio books from the library . Although we neither one liked the way the first book , one of the Spenser series , was written ( too many " he saids " and " she saids " ) , it did help pass the time and we followed it through to the very predictable ending . The book we started on the way home was much better , but we 'll never finish it unless we go on some spur - of - the - minute road trip between now and September 13 . Drilling a well Cliff found lots of junk useful items for sale . While he looked at useful items , I went for a train ride . You 'll find a Youtube video HERE , but I should have had my Ipad turned the other way when I made the video . It was 104 degrees at the hottest part of the day , which took some of the pleasure out of things , but we enjoyed ourselves anyhow , and a couple of nights away from home are always fun . I may share more pictures in another entry . There are some changes coming to our vast estate in the near future : Cliff 's sister , who has lived in our old house for over five years and taken excellent care of it , has bought her own place and will be moving in a couple of weeks . She is very excited , and we are happy for her . However , we 're not sure what our next move will be . We 're not fond of the idea of renting the house out to strangers . Been there , done that . It 's an imperfect house , and some people might not want to live there . Although if the right person came along , we would rent it very cheaply . What is the right person , you ask ? An old couple with no pets that doesn 't throw wild parties and goes to Texas in the winter . Oh , and with no pesky grandchildren or grown children that would want to move in with them . Yes , we know . That perfect rental couple doesn 't exist ; if they can afford to go to Texas , they don 't need cheap rent or desire life in the boonies . The insurance company , as well as our bank , demands that somebody be living in that house . The bank has no interest in our mobile home . As far as they are concerned , it doesn 't exist . Cliff suggested perhaps we might rent the mobile home out , but mobile homes are built very cheaply . They deteriorate fast enough when the owner lives in them ; you can imagine how quickly they fall to ruin when occupied by most renters . We know this from experience . I prefer my yard and the view where I 'm living now ; if we are not going to rent the old house out , we would have to move back into it . We would lose the rental income , but we 've only been getting a very tiny sum for it becDonna Wood

King Peter VI wanted a son . He wanted a son who would be brave , and strong , and clever . A prince , who would one day be king , King Peter VII , and rule the kingdom in his father 's place . Now , the king had a daughter , a princess , and she was brave , and strong , and clever . Of course , the king didn 't know that she was , as he was waiting for a prince , a son . He didn 't pay much attention to the princess , because he was one of those kings who believe that a princess just doesn 't matter as much as a prince . As long as a king has a prince or two , then a princess can come in useful : he can always get her married off to the prince of a different kingdom , and so try to keep the two kingdoms friendly - keep it all in the family , as we 'd say . But if he hasn 't got any prince , then what good is a princess ? Some prince will come along and marry her , and later become king . He 'd never have expected his daughter to be brave , and strong , and clever : a princess just doesn 't need to be . These are qualities that a prince ( a future king ) should have . But a princess will never be king : she 'll only be ( maybe ) married to one . So all she needs to be is charming and beautiful , so that some brave , strong , clever prince will want to marry her . And was Princess Martha charming and beautiful ? Well , yes and no . She wasn 't always charming when she was supposed to be , when she was told to be charming , for example , to visiting lords or ambassadors . But if she liked someone , she could be . . . well , I don 't know if " charming " is the right word - it sounds so formal - but she could be very nice to be with . And - as for beautiful - most people , seeing her for the first time , wouldn 't exactly say that she was beautiful ( unless they were just trying to be charming ) . But her close friends , people who really got to know her , all thought that she was . Of course , they meant that inner kind of beauty - not the way somebody looks , but the way they are . Her father hadn 't ever got to know her well . He hadn 't had the time : there are just too many important matters to attend to in ruling a country . So he never got to know that she was beautiful , or could be ( let 's use this word ) charming . Her mother , Queen Eleanor , didn 't have much time for her either . She knew what was wanted of a queen , and spent most of her time being beautiful and charming , and praying for a son , so that the king would be happy . " I were working in the royal dairy at the time , " Alice would tell her , " and I don 't know if it were drinking all that fresh milk , or if it were just being ' round all them cows so much , but the truth is I had so much milk meself , when Jeb were born , that all the servants used to talk about it . A regular cow meself , they said I were . And some of them as said it with wonder , and others as said it as a joke and something to be ashamed for . But why were I to be ashamed for being likened to a cow ? I 've always found cows to be nice creatures : gentle and strong and quiet and warm . Nothing I never see to be ashamed for in that . " Anyway , when you were born , yer father - he 'd a heard the talk of how much milk I had - said I were to feed you . ' Yer son 's old enough to wean now , ' said yer father , ' you can give 'm watered - down cows ' milk . ' ' Please , Yer Majesty , ' said I , ' I 'm sure I 've got enough for the two of ' em . ' ' As you like , ' said yer father , ' on ' y you 'll feed the princess first , and make sure she gets enough , before you give to the other . ' And he looked that surprised I 'd want to bother with feeding the two of you . Well , he 'll never know how nice it can be , and that 's a fact . " It was Alice who 'd carried Martha about as a baby , and Alice who 'd rocked her to sleep . It was Alice who 'd comforted her when she was crying , and sung songs to her when she awoke in the middle of the night , frightened . Alice who told her stories and explained things to her . It was Alice who was most like a mother to her , and Martha loved her more than anyone else in the whole world . And after Alice , Martha loved Jeb best . Oh , there 'd been jealousy between them , of course . Jeb would be jealous of the way Martha always had to be first : fed first , taken care of first , listened to first . And Martha 'd be jealous of Jeb , when she had to be dressed up in a stiff and stuffy dress , to be presented to his Excellency Lord Whatnot , Ambassador of Wherever , and his wife , Lady Whatnot ; then sit through boring conversations , and mind her manners through an endless dinner , while Jeb would be eating bread , cheese , and apples in the orchard with Alice . Or when she had to start taking lessons in how to act like a proper princess : how to speak correctly , how to dance in a ballroom style , how to sit up straight and look majestic , while Jeb was running and laughing outside , and listening to Alice 's stories . " My brother Jeb , " Martha would call him , " two months older than me . " And one day , when they were ten years old , she said : " If you 're my brother , why , you should be a prince ! Just think of it : ' Prince Jeb ' . " But Jeb scowled , spat on the ground , and said : " Shit ! I don 't want to be no prince . Grow up to be a king like yer father and not have no time for nothing fun anymore . Being grumpy and bossy all the time . Boring , it 'd be . Why , if I were prince , I wouldn 't be allowed to go swimming in the pond with the others from the village . Yer father don 't like that kind of thing . When we see his carriage coming , we 've got to hide in the bushes or he sends a couple of soldiers to chase us . " That year , Jeb began to work in the dairy . He helped to clean out the cows ' stalls , and fill their feeders with hay . Martha and Alice would stop by at least once a day and lend a hand if there was lots to do . If there wasn 't , they 'd sit and chat with Jeb and the other dairy workers . Alice liked especially to show up at milking time . It was her chance to practice her old job for a short time . She 'd settle onto the milking stool with a sigh , put the milk - pail under the cow 's udders , and , leaning her forehead against the cow 's warm side , talk soothingly , almost singing , to the cow , as her fingers squeezed the teats gently but firmly , and the milk hissed into the pail . " It 's good to get a chance to keep my hand in , " she 'd say . And the princess also got a chance to get her hand in , because Alice taught both children how to milk a cow , even though it wasn 't yet part of Jeb 's duties - and never would be , of course , part of Martha 's . " Still , " as Alice would say , it don 't do you no harm , do it ? And it 's a good thing to know where your milk comes from , and how . " she told the children not to forget that the cow was a living animal with feelings , and should always be treated with kindness and respect . After milking , she always stroked the cow 's head , and thanked her for the milk . When the king got to hear that his daughter spent some of her time in the dairy , chatting with the servants , he was angry . He ordered her to put a stop to it at once . Of course , he didn 't have any time to spend with her himself , but some solution would have to be found to keep her out of mischief . Now , it happened that the king was also at this time upset with one of his advisers : the oldest adviser , in fact , whose name was William . William 's advice was too peaceful for King Peter . He gave such advice as to think about it , to be careful , to be not so harsh and strict . The king was tired of listening to this advice , and was thinking of getting rid of William , but he was such a good baldy player , and the king did enjoy a game of baldy . ( " Three bald men " , called " baldy " by everybody for short , was - or is - a very complicated board game , that was very popular with the more educated people in this , and surrounding , kingdoms . I 've never played it myself : in fact , I 've only ever seen it played once , so I 'm not going to be able to explain it to you . ) So now , the king decided that he could solve both problems by making William Martha 's personal teacher . That way , Martha would be kept busy , and William - no longer adviser to the king - would at least have a job that would keep him in the palace , on hand in case the king fancied a game of baldy . So Martha started spending her mornings with William . She learned to read and write and deal with numbers . From him she got her first lessons in the history and geography of her land and the lands around it . He also taught her to play baldy , and showed her the stars through his telescope . In fact , he would talk to her about anything that she wanted to , and would teach her anything that she wanted to learn . " Because , " as he 'd say , " intelligent children should be encouraged to use their intelligence , to think about things . If not , they become bored and boring . " you see , William was intelligent enough himself , and observant and interested enough , to recognise that Martha was intelligent . She had to wait until the evening , after she 'd had dinner , and Jeb had finished his work , if she wanted to see him . She 'd curtsey to her parents , wish them good night , and retire to her bedroom . There , she 'd change into a simple , rather shabby - looking set of clothes that she 'd made from cloth that Alice had brought her . ( In these clothes she didn 't exactly look like a princess , and it was easier for her to move about unnoticed . ) Then , she 'd scramble through the window and , feeling with her fingers and toes for cracks between the stones of the wall , make her way to the ground , where Jeb would be waiting for her , and they 'd be able to have a few hours together . Sometimes they went for walks , and sometimes they went into the village to be with other young people there . It was on such a day as this , exploring the sea cliffs , and carefully following the steep tracks in them that - until then - only sheep had used , that they found their way down to a tiny sandy beach on a bay totally surrounded by cliffs . Martha flopped down on the sand and kicked her sandals off , lying on her front and looking out to sea . She let out a sigh of happiness , and dug her fingers and toes down into the extremely fine sand . Jeb , meanwhile , had flung off his clothes , and was running down to the water . Martha sighed again - not as happily this time - and watched him splashing and diving and swimming to and fro . After a while , he was back and lying beside her . He 'd brought a jumble of seaweed - the kind with the air bubbles in it - and they were both hunting through the seaweed , popping the bubbles between their fingers . It was a very warm day , and Jeb returned several times to the water , to cool himself off with a quick dip . Martha too had taken off her clothes , and was using them , rolled up , as a pillow under her chin . When she 'd decided that there weren 't any more bubbles to pop , she sat up and looked out to sea . Then she looked around again at the beach and the cliffs surrounding it . Digging her hands into the fine dry sand , she lifted a double handful up , and allowed it to trickle through her fingers , down onto Jeb 's back , where it stuck . She picked up more sand and continued . Soon he was covered from neck to toes in a thin layer of the sand . Martha laughed . " Don 't stop though ! " pleaded Martha . " It feels nice . It 's like tickling . . . No , " she corrected herself , " it 's like someone blowing very gently on my back , only warm . Mmmm ! . . . Jeb ? . . . " she continued , " could you . . . could you teach me to swim ? Jeb went on sifting sand up and down her back , and didn 't answer immediately . " Alright , " he said at last . " If you 'll teach me to read . . . " So , on future trips to the beach , Martha took along books , paper , and sticks of charcoal for writing with . And for an hour or so she 'd teach Jeb reading and writing . Then it 'd be Jeb 's turn to teach her swimming . They kept their lessons a secret , and never took anyone to their beach - except , of course , for Alice . Alice was delighted with the beach . She 'd always loved swimming , but the king wouldn 't tolerate any of the palace workers going swimming in the village pond , so it had been ages since she 'd been able to swim at all . And then one day , when they were fifteen years old , it all had to end . Jeb was called from the dairy and told to appear before their Majesties . And to be QUICK about it ! When he entered the throne room , Jeb saw the king and queen on their thrones , looking angry ( the king ) and sternly puzzled ( the queen ) . Martha and Alice were standing to either side and a little behind the royal couple . They looked upset , and a little frightened . " Your name is Jeb , is it ? " roared the king . " Well , boy , word has reached our ears that you and the Princess Martha have been seen swimming in the sea … and WITHOUT any clothes on ! Is this true , BOY ? " " Yes , your Majesty , it is , " mimicked the king . " And YOU ! " he growled at Alice . " You 're his mother and the Princess Martha 's nurse . Did YOU know about this , or were you not keeping a close enough watch on your charges ? " " I don 't see the harm in it , Yer Majesty , " answered Alice . They grew up together … I used to bathe them together when they were little . " " You WHAT ? ? ! ! " roared the king , while the queen looked shocked . " No , don 't repeat it - we heard what you said . And on WHOSE authority ? " " No HARM in it , eh ? " growled the king . " Well , you see where it 's led to ! Seeing each other naked at their ages ! We suppose you see no harm in that ? ! " " I 've said I don 't , Yer Majesty , " said Alice , trembling and brave . She didn 't add that she , too , often went swimming with them . She didn 't think that mentioning that would help the situation at all . " Yeeees ! We 've done a bit of asking around , and it seems to us that you two spend a bit too much time together , and that you 're altogether too good friends for our liking . Why , you work in the stables , don 't you , boy ? " " Stables , dairy , what 's the … ? What kind of friend is that for a princess ? ! " he turned to Martha : " you , my Dear , are to stop making friends of the servants . It 's certainly not becoming behaviour for a princess . We 'll have to find you a few suitable young ladies to act as ladies - in - waiting . " " Just so , just so . We 'll send messengers to tell them that they may have the position . . . You , " he turned to Alice , " are to continue as nurse until the arrival of the two young ladies , and then you may go back to whatever it was that you were doing before you became nurse . Ah …… what was it that you did ? " " In the dairy , eh ? Like your son … Speaking of whom , " said the king , turning to Jeb , " you , YOU , boy , may go with the messenger to the Duke of Markham 's castle . And if he hasn 't got any work for you , you 'll just have to look out for yourself . We don 't want to see your face around here again . Now , go ! " " No , Father , wait ! " burst out Martha . " Why should he be punished ? " It wasn 't his fault . I ordered him to spend time with me , because I haven 't got any other friends . " " Well , you 'll have other friends in the future . We 'll see to that . So you won 't need him any more . And what 's this talk of punishing ? He 's being sent out to Markham , where I 'm sure there are plenty of opportunities for a young man like him . " The king smiled thinly . " And besides , if his mother 's to go back to her old job in the dairy , we have to make room for her . No , " he said , holding up a hand to stop her from interrupting , we have decided . One day , you 'll realise that we 've done the right thing . I said you could go , boy . " As Jeb was leaving , the king turned again to Alice , and said : " Now , until the Princess Martha 's new ladies - in - waiting arrive , we want you to keep a stricter eye on her . We don 't want any more of this kind of trouble , or there 'll be trouble for you . Understood ? … Good . Now , the two of you may go . … No , " ( to Martha , who 'd turned to go out the same way as Jeb . ) " We think it 'd be better if you didn 't see him before he goes . You may spend the rest of the day in your chambers . " he beckoned one of the guards from the side of the room , and said : " Have two of the royal messengers sent in to us at once . And send someone to assure that the Princess Martha doesn 't leave her chambers . " For the rest of that day , Martha , shut up in her rooms , wasn 't able to concentrate on anything . She tried reading , she started sewing , she tried to get interested in a model of the village she 'd been working on . But she couldn 't spend more than four or five minutes doing any of these things . She spent most of the time pacing up and down , or leaning out of the window . She didn 't see Jeb , but then she hadn 't expected to . The road he and the messenger would take to Markham lay on the other side of the palace . She did see the other messenger on his way to Count Yammany 's , but that didn 't cheer her up very much . In the meantime , Jeb had been gathering his things together and spending a few last hours with Alice , before setting off to begin life in a new place . And what a place ! For news was always coming to the palace of the troubles in Markham . Bandits roamed the hills and forests , and could almost never be caught . The duke 's soldiers were attacked again and again as they rode out in the countryside . It was a dangerous place to live , from all accounts , and Alice was worried . " Now , don 't you worry , Alice , " said Jeb , hugging her . " I can take care of myself . You know that … I 'm only sad about leaving you and Martha . " " Oh , Jeb ! Don 't leave . You could just run away and hide near here . Then we 'd be able to see each other . " " Disobey the king ? Then I 'd be an outlaw , hunted like an animal . No , my Dear , I 'll have to go . But I 'll come back some day , when the king 's forgotten me . " " No , I don 't think you can . The king 's told you to look after Martha until these two young ladies arrive . He won 't let you go . And if you ran away , you 'd be an outlaw . Besides , we 'll have to travel to Markham on horseback , and the king 'd never lend you a horse for the journey . You just stay here and look after Martha . Listen here : this messenger I 'm going with isn 't a bad ' un . I know him from years back , and he 's the one who usually carries the messages between here and Markham . Now , I 'll get him to bring you letters from me , and you get Martha to read them to you . And if you want to say anything to me , you just tell her , and she 'll write it down , just like you were talking to me in the same room . Then you give what she writes to this same messenger , and I 'll know how you are , and what all 's happening here . Now don 't let the messenger know that Martha 's got a hand in the letters , or it might cause trouble we don 't need . " Soon after this , the messenger came in to say that all was ready . Jeb hugged his mother once more , and kissed her again and again . " Say goodbye to Martha from Me , and give her this kiss … There now , you take care . " The Princess Outlaw ( And Possibly In - law ) Martha was bored . Her two new companions had arrived : Lady Caroline , the seventeen - year - old daughter of the Duchess and Duke of Markham ; and Lady Isabel , the fourteen - year - old daughter of Count Yammany , whose wife had died five years before . Martha found them quite trying company . They 'd walk together in the palace gardens , but whenever Martha suggested going for a walk outside the palace grounds , Isabel would ask why on earth they had to walk when they could ride in a carriage ; and Caroline would start talking about bandits , and the horrible , dirty people who lived outside the palace . " My father says that those people don 't like to be clean . They prefer to be dirty . And we might catch diseases from them . " " My father says that young ladies have no need of reading . He says the more a young lady learns , the less pleasant to be with she becomes . My father says we have enough to do with knowing how to embroider , be charming , and sit prettily . " And Isabel was always talking about how rich things were , how expensive , how much gold , how big the jewels . When they sat together doing some embroidery , Isabel would always use more gold thread than any other kind . The designs she embroidered weren 't very interesting or pretty . But they did have lots and lots of gold thread in them . When Martha suggested they make up stories to tell each other , Isabel 's stories were always full of princesses with long golden hair , and she 'd spend ages describing the fancy lace and jewels that they wore . They always seemed to wear so much gold and silver that Martha 'd wonder how they could move about with all that weight . And they were always being rescued from towers or from dragons by handsome and charming princes who wore golden armour and rode on snow - white horses . Caroline 's stories were generally about knights who went around killing bandits - and rescuing fair maidens , to be sure . Martha asked Caroline about Markham , and was told of a wild land where it was unsafe to go about without twenty or more soldiers for protection . " My father says those bandits would cut your throat as soon as look at you . He says they 'd cut the ears off their own grandmothers if they could get a few pennies for them . My father says we 'd all be murdered in our sleep if the castle weren 't so strongly built or so well guarded . " Sometimes in the late evening , after finishing work , Alice would come and call under Martha 's window . And Martha 'd climb down to her . Together , they 'd go for walks in the moonlight , and talk and talk . But Alice would grow tired quite soon , and have to go home to bed , because she had to get up every morning very early , and work all day . Not very often , but now and then , Alice would have a letter from Jeb in Markham , and they 'd carry the letter and a couple of candles to the far end of the orchard , where Martha 'd read the letter out , while Alice listened ; and they 'd talk and talk and talk about the letter and about Jeb . On these nights , Alice would always be so excited that her face would seem to glow , with a heat that would burn away all her tiredness . And , much later than usual , it 'd be Martha who 'd finally have to go back to her rooms , worn out and sleepy . And Alice would walk up and down the orchard on her own for hours , looking again and again at Jeb 's letter , although she couldn 't read a word . Then , as he got to know them , he 'd write as well about the other kitchen workers , and the others who shared the room where he slept . There were four beds in the room , and two or three boys in each bed . Some - like Jeb - worked in the kitchen , while others worked in the stables , armoury , or smithy . From these other boys , Jeb began to hear of what life in Markham was like . He wrote that most of the boys had stories about someone they knew being robbed or beaten - or even killed - not by bandits , but by the duke 's soldiers . Most people seemed to live in a state of fear that , at any time , the soldiers might show up at their house to steal chickens , goats , or food from the table . And listening to the soldiers as they ate , Jeb heard much the same story ( but told this time not in whispers of fear or in anger , but with jokes and laughter : " So the wretch says : ' you can 't treat my pig that way ! ' And the captain , he says : ' Oh , I can 't , can I ? Who says I can 't ? You fool , I can treat you that way . ' And he pushes the old wretch into the mud , and begins beating him with the stick . Ho ho ho . That was good , that was ! " ) Once or twice , Jeb caught sight of the Duke of Markham himself , when he came down to the soldiers ' dining hall to give new orders and joke with the soldiers . Jeb wrote that he was just as cruel as his men . Once he kicked aside a servant who was carrying a platter of meat and was careless enough to get in the duke 's way , then ordered the man to be whipped for dropping the platter on the floor . The soldiers seemed to regard the duke with a mixture of fear , admiration , and envy . Jeb also heard about the rebels ( or bandits , or outlaws ) who now and then attacked a patrol of soldiers . Some of the boys spoke of them with admiration , while the soldiers spoke of them with a pretended contempt , coloured with fear . Few of them could be caught . And those that were could be tortured and killed - and generally were - without giving any information that could lead to the capture of any other outlaws . They seemed to be ordinary people who 'd left their homes to become outlaws . According to the soldiers , they were thieves and heartless killers , but the boys said that these outlaws never attacked ordinary people : only soldiers and tax collectors . Another boy told how his family had sheltered one of the outlaws for a night . " She told us that if the soldiers found out about it , we were to say that she 'd forced us to help her , and that she 'd stolen the food . You see , if the soldiers find out that you 've helped an outlaw , you get into awful trouble . " And then , the letters stopped coming . The messenger told Alice that he hadn 't seen Jeb on his last three trips , but that that wasn 't unusual . They had a secret hiding place behind the stables , where the messenger would leave Alice 's letters to Jeb , and collect Jeb 's letters for Alice , in case they couldn 't see each other . But Jeb hadn 't taken away the last two letters from Alice , and there were no letters from Jeb left there . Of course , Alice and Martha were worried . What could 've happened to Jeb ? Had he been thrown in prison for some reason , or was he ill ? Had he lost his job and been sent away from the castle ? Had he run away - maybe to start on his way back to them , as he 'd promised Alice ? Or maybe to join the outlaws ? But then , wouldn 't he have left one last letter to say what he was planning to do ? " And not only him . If Jeb 's already in trouble there , he 'd only get into worse if they found out . And if he 's not in trouble already , this might do it . " " Maybe you 're right , " answered Alice , " and it 'd be awful to get him into trouble if he 's not already in it … But what if he is ? Wouldn 't he write if he weren 't ? " She sat for a long time biting her lip and looking down at her hands . Suddenly , she looked up at Martha , and said : " I 'll go to Markham . I 'll go there and find out what 's happened to him . " " I 'll miss you , of course , but it 's been two years I 've been missing Jeb , all because of yer father . Ordering people around , deciding our lives for us . I 've had enough of it . I 've had it all my life ! You can 't do that , you must do that . Go there , come here , and jump ! You must feed the princess first , before yer own son , and make sure that she 's had enough before he gets a drop . If I 'd a had less milk , it would 've been Jeb not got enough . He 'd a growed up weak , maybe , or even died . It 's happened to others like that . " " Oh , my Darling Dear ! " she cried , flinging her arms around Martha . " Don 't look like that ! It 's not yer fault , and never has been . You know I love you as if you were my own child . And you love me too , and 've never ordered me about . And I did manage it with the both of you , and Jeb didn 't go wanting . But he could 've done , for all yer father cared . And I 'm not having my life pushed around like that anymore . " When the sadness , the sorrow , the bitterness had dulled a little , they began to talk about Alice 's plans for going to Markham . Martha offered to give her a horse , but Alice refused it , saying that that would only draw people 's attention to her and make it easier to get caught . She 'd go on foot , and would no doubt get lifts now and then in farmers ' wagons . Martha gave her some money to help her on her way . The night before Alice was due to leave , Martha couldn 't sleep . She climbed out of her window and down to the ground , then made her way in the dark to Alice 's room . She slipped into Alice 's bed , and at last , with her arms around the older woman , was able to fall asleep . After Alice had left , Martha became even more bored - as well as sadder - and found the company of her two ladies - in - waiting to be even more distasteful . She took to escaping from the palace more and more . Sometimes she 'd go into the village , to visit friends there , though she had to be very careful that she wasn 't seen and recognised by the king 's soldiers . No longer could she sit around with large groups of friends in the tavern or the village square - as she had in times past with Jeb - telling stories , laughing aloud , or singing together . Now she had to visit her friends secretly , shut indoors in their houses , hid away from spying eyes . . . and always with the fear that she might be found , and that her friends would then get into trouble . She thought of Jeb 's letters , of the outlaws in Markham who brought danger to their friends and families , to anyone who helped them . It wasn 't too long before she was found on one of her wanderings by a group of her father 's soldiers , and escorted back to the palace , where she was delivered to her father . The king got extremely angry with her , and ordered her to be confined to her rooms for a full week . In the meantime , he 'd think about a more lasting solution for his disobedient and wilful daughter . Only a few days after this , came news that the Duke of Markham , along with twenty of his soldiers , had been killed when they 'd tried to force into obedience an entire village that had refused to pay its taxes . The report said that it 'd apparently been a trap , the village being full of bandits , just waiting for the soldiers to appear . When Martha heard the news , she thought that it was just as likely that the villagers had got fed up with being pushed around , robbed , and beaten , and had finally decided to fight back . The king was outraged with the news . He almost visibly shook with fury , and called all his advisers together . For six hours they passed suggestions back and forth , but the final plan was mostly of the king 's invention . All Martha 's protests were in vain . The king 's mind was made up . As he explained to the queen , by setting up Markham as a separate kingdom , and handing it over to someone else , it would stop being a problem for him to worry about . And , by sending Martha to live there , she wouldn 't be his problem anymore either . " The kind of man who could rule Markham is the same kind of man who could control Martha . And , as queen , especially as queen of Markham , she 'll soon have to become respectable and responsible . . . And if she doesn 't , well , that 'll be her husband 's problem , not mine . " When Martha heard what the contest was to be , she cheered up , just a little . It was to be divided into three tests : The first test was to carry a very heavy weight from the palace courtyard to the top of a nearby hill , without once letting the weight touch the ground . Guards were to be posted along the way to make sure this didn 't happen . Anyone who dropped the weight was out of the contest . Only contestants with strength and endurance would be left for the second test . The second test was to tell the king what was written on a piece of paper that the king himself was to write and put in a box . The box would then be put in a deep pit in the island in the bay , and two of the palace guard dogs would be left in the pit to guard the box . The king would order the village fishers not to use their boats on the days of the contest , so that contestants could use them to get to the island . Only brave , skilful contestants could pass on to the third test . And this was to beat the princess ' tutor , William , at a game of three bald men . Nobody who wasn 't intelligent and skilful could pass this test , and it was this that cheered Martha up , just a little . William was a very good baldy player , and maybe nobody would be able to win against him . But what if somebody could ? And anyway , Martha hated the idea of being the prize ( or part of the prize ) in a contest - even if nobody won . She continued to protest to her father , but he was set on his plan . Once , when she cried out that she was to get no choice in the matter , he replied , hoping to quieten her objection : " Oh , William , don 't refuse to take part , whatever you do ! " pleaded Martha . " If my father can 't be persuaded to drop the whole horrible idea , you 're my best hope . " But neither of them stopped worrying , and the day of the contest drew closer and closer . In addition to the princes , there were several unmarried dukes , earls , and counts - including not only Lady Isabel 's brother , but also her father , Count Yammany - as well as knights , and quite a few hopeful commoners . For a tailor to become a king ! It was a dream that just might come true . When the king explained what the three tests were to be , most of the would - be contestants shook their heads . They should 've known it was impossible . here was the second of the tests to read a piece of paper , and where were they , poor tailors or farmers or fishermen , supposed to have learned how to read ? ! Quietly , or grumbling , they left the crowd of contestants and joined the crowd of onlookers , either looking sheepish or snapping back angrily when others , their neighbours and friends , ribbed them about their lost dream of a kingdom of their own . " All contestants who pass the first test will be given a copper ring . Those who pass the second test will be given a silver ring . And those who pass the third test will be given a gold ring . Only if you have all three rings can you hope to marry the princess and rule in Markham . If there is more than one contestant with all three rings , the Princess Martha will set a fourth test to decide the absolute winner . " The contest is to end at sunset tomorrow . All three rings must be won by then . The Princess Martha then will have until the next morning to set her own test . . . Let it begin . " And so it began . For the first test , only twenty weights had been prepared , and there were more than a hundred hopeful contestants , so they drew lots to decide in which order they were to start . The king explained to them that they might test the weights and make several attempts to pick them up , but that once each had carried the weight through the palace gates , there 'd be no turning back : only by reaching the top of the hill without dropping the weight could they continue the contest . Of the first twenty , two couldn 't pick up the weights at all ( they were heavy ) and so stepped out of the contest . As one of them - Count Yammany , in fact - said , " What 's the use of killing myself , trying to win ? " their places were taken by two others . Several dropped their weights once , twice , or three times before they left the palace courtyard , but were , according to the rules , allowed to pick them up again , as they hadn 't yet stepped through the palace gates . Three had the misfortune to drop the weight a short distance outside the palace gates , and so had lost their chance . They had their left thumbs stained with purple ink , to make sure that they couldn 't try to start again . Already , the number of competitors was slowly dropping . . . Of the first group of twenty , only nine made it with their weights to the top of the hill , where the captain of the palace guard was waiting to present them with a copper ring each . As each received his ring , he ran down to the sea , where the fishing boats were waiting , pulled up onto the beach . The weights were taken back by cart to the palace , where more contestants awaited their turns . In the throne room sat the king , with Martha and Queen Eleanor on either side of him . The first contestant entered , limping , and with bloodstains on his trousers . He bowed to the king , then to the queen , and to the princess . " Quite right , " he said . " Step forward . " And he handed him a silver ring , and dismissed him . He could go on to the third test , the game of baldy against William . This was where Martha 's hopes lay , and , excusing herself , she went out to watch the game . William won , easily , and Martha 's hopes began to rise . Down at the beach , meanwhile , things had been happening . The fifth contestant to come down from the top of the hill took advantage of the distance he was ahead of the sixth contestant , and smashed holes in as many as he could of the boats drawn up on the beach , before the sixth contestant showed up . Then , on his return from the island , but before reaching the shore , he smashed a hole in his own boat , and swam to shore as it sank . Soon , others were following his example . By the time thirteen contestants had made it to shore , all the boats were destroyed . Anybody who came later had to swim to the island . And if they couldn 't swim ? Well , that was bad luck . When the king heard of this new strategy , he was delighted . " The intelligence test was supposed to come third , " he laughed , " but some of the contestants are already showing themselves be very clever ! That should make the contest more difficult , and we 'll have fewer contestants for the third round . " " WHAT ? ! " roared the king , furious . " Guards ! Have this dolt thrown in the dungeon . " And the knight was dragged off by two of the guards . But , after this , the answer was always the same : " The king is a fool . " When Martha heard the mutterings that something strange had happened , she left off watching the game of baldy then in progress , and hurried to the throne room . When she heard the new message , she burst out laughing , but quickly managed to turn the laugh into a cough , as the king glared in her direction . Martha cheered up even more . This would mean even less contestants for the third test , and therefore less chance of a winner . Only twenty - four had made it through the second test , and of these , eight had already lost at baldy against William . She did think it rather strange , though , that the later contestants ( who in all faith were reporting the message they had read on the piece of paper ) were being counted as having failed , when the real culprit , the one who 'd cheated and insulted the king by making up the new message , was obviously one of the twenty - four who 'd been accepted as passing the test , and might win . At least the poor knight had been let out of the dungeon , as even the king had to admit that it wasn 't actually his fault for having read the wrong message . Aside from which , since then the elder sons of two dukes and the prince of a neighbouring kingdom had also reported the false message , and if he 'd had them thrown into the dungeon , he 'd 've been creating problems for himself . The news was spread that the message on the island had been changed , and that it was no longer worth trying to find it out . The contestants still on the beach , waiting for the boats to be mended , let out a great roar when they heard , as did those finishing or in the middle of the first test . But the king 's decision was final . Now it all depended on William , and as Martha made her way back to the baldy table , she hoped that he wouldn 't fail . But , when she got there , she found the same game going on , that she 'd left when she 'd gone to the throne room . William had taken less time than this one game to beat all the contestants up ' til then . For another hour the game lasted , and it was William who finally lost . Martha 's heart sank . Lady Isabel was overjoyed - for who should the winner be but her brother . So it had happened . There was a winner . Martha watched a few more games , but she felt too numb to pay attention . It didn 't matter now that William took only an hour to beat the next four contestants . William looked at her , and she could read in his eyes that he felt he 'd let her down . She tried , with her own eyes , to let him know that it wasn 't his fault : that she knew he 'd done his best . Then , the third last contestant , Sir Rodney , did something that left everybody shocked . Hardly had the game of baldy begun when he jumped up , took a stick from under his cloak , and began to hit William about the head and shoulders . Everybody was in uproar , and Sir Rodney was soon being held by four guards , while the king shouted : " What 's the meaning of this outrage ? ! " Sir Rodney allowed the uproar to die down . Then , bowing as best he could while being held by four guards , he said : " Please hear me , your Majesty . I have passed two tests , and needed to pass the third to be able to win the hand of the princess . Now , I knew that I had no chance of winning a game of baldy against this fellow . Why , I hardly know the game . But , if your Majesty will please remember , the third test was to beat the royal tutor at a game of three bald men . Your Majesty , we were at a game of three bald men , and , as your Majesty has just seen , I have beaten the royal tutor . " The king considered this argument for a while , first frowning . . . then he burst out laughing . " Well , " he said , " the third test was a test of intelligence , and this shows a certain cunning intelligence ; and is maybe just the sort of thing that would be useful in ruling Markham . Step forward for your gold ring . " Martha ( who 'd rushed to William 's side , and had been making certain that - aside from being stunned - there was no very great damage ) heard the king 's words as if in a daze . Now , extremely angry , with all the colour drained from her face , she shouted : " How could you ? ! I 'd die first rather than marry this . . . this . . . " But she could find no words to describe William 's attacker . She ordered William to go straight to bed , and then announced that she was going to her own rooms . And she was NOT to be called the next day to watch any more of this spectacle . And , with that , she was gone . She locked her door from the inside , and wouldn 't let anyone in : not even her mother . Her father didn 't try to approach her . It was noticed that the light in her room was on until late in the night , and the next day , she didn 't come down to breakfast , or to lunch . In the middle of the morning , there was a surprise . A new contestant showed up . A contestant who didn 't have the look of a duke , or a prince , or even a knight , being dressed in rough cloth , patched in several places . And he must have come a long way , the people pointed out to each other , for he was covered in dust and dirt . And , they continued , he could hardly be a rich man , with that ragged cut of hair and beard . " I 've heard that too , Yer Majesty , and that everybody thinks it 's hopeless . But I don 't believe in giving up hope . Maybe I 've got a talent for reading messages that are no longer there . That 'd come in handy in Markham , doesn 't Yer Majesty think ? " " To hear that you can read at all surprises me . Many of your sort dropped out of this contest because of not being able to read . Where did you learn to read , then ? " To all of the king 's questions , the newcomer had an answer , and the king decided that he might as well be allowed to try the tests . There was no way he could win , but that was his problem , not the king 's . So the newcomer was shown back down to the courtyard , and the weights were pointed out . " And I 've got to carry one of them to the top of that hill ? Without dropping it , of course . Well , that should be easy . " And , emptying the sack that was slung over one shoulder , the stranger put the weight into it , and lifted it back onto the same shoulder , then started out , slowly but surely , in the direction of the hill . The king recognised the cleverness of using the sack . Well , there was nothing in the rules against that . He sent two guards along with the new contestant , to make sure that he didn 't drop the sack and weight before reaching the top . Before very long , they were back , and the stranger was given a copper ring . Then on to the second test . But before going down to the beach , the stranger looked up at Martha 's window . Now , how should he know just which window was hers ? By now , the news had spread about the new arrival , and all the villagers , as well as many of the visiting contestants ( or ex - contestants ) were on the beach to see him check that none of the boats there was seaworthy , before plunging into the water and swimming to the island . There was a general buzz of talk while waiting for him to come back . How could he possibly read a message that was no longer there ? And then they saw him , clambering over the rocks towards them from further up the coast . He must have swum a longer way back to shore . Or had a sea current carried him off course ? " What 's the message ? What 's the message ? " cried the villagers as they crowded around the wet figure making its way up the path towards the palace . It was another long game , and the king watched it with interest . There were one or two points in the game when he wondered whether the beating of the day before hadn 't shaken William up more than he 'd admitted , because he played some rather strange moves . The newcomer , too , showed some surprise , and seemed to consider possible traps being laid , but ended up taking advantage of these seeming mistakes in William 's game . After two hours , the newcomer had won , and received the third , the gold ring . The crowd outside had grown restless , and when they heard the news , a cheer went up . One of their own , a commoner , had won through to the final test ! Now it all depended on the test the princess would set . But the princess knew nothing of this newcomer . They knew , for news had leaked out , that the princess had been locked in her rooms for the whole day . That evening , at sunset , the king himself went to the princess ' door and pounded on it . " It 's sunset : the time is up , and there are four who 've passed all three tests . " No reply . " If you haven 't got a test to set by tomorrow morning , I 'll choose your husband for you . . . " Still no reply , and the king made his way angrily down to the dining hall . Well , at least he would soon be rid of her hard - headedness , one way or another . Two hours later , Martha opened her door , and asked for supper to be brought to her rooms . When the servant brought the supper , Martha asked her about all the excitement she had noticed earlier in the day from her window , and was told about the new contestant . She seemed very interested , and asked the servant all kinds of questions about this new contestant , which surprised the servant , as Martha had never before shown such positive interest in the contest . Truth to tell , the servant had felt sorry for Martha , as had many in the palace , for Martha was well liked , and it was known how much she objected to this whole business . After she 'd finished eating , and listening to all that the servant had to tell her , Martha asked the servant to wait , while she wrote a message for the king : She had thought it over , and was willing to set a test , and to go to Markham with the winner , as long as the king would grant her two requests : that William - and anybody else from the palace or the village who so wished - was to be allowed to accompany her to Markham , and live there . And that the king would provide a horse for each of these people , and enough wagons to carry their combined possessions . On the other hand , he wouldn 't need to send an armed escort . She pointed out that the king could well afford to do without William , for he was getting old . And - as for the king 's need of an excellent baldy player in the palace - several of the competitors had beaten William at the game , and the king would surely be able to persuade one of them to take William 's place . After all , only one of them would win the final test and be going to Markham . " Wouldn 't Sir Rodney make a good playing partner for you ? " she thought wickedly , but she didn 't write that , of course . There was no point in needlessly angering him now . That would only make him less likely to accept her conditions . For the same reason , she didn 't call them conditions : but requests . And she didn 't write that she 'd refuse to go , or cause a big fuss , if he rejected her requests . She didn 't need to . He was intelligent enough to work out for himself that letting William go was a small price to pay for her obedient coöperation . As for the horses and wagons , that would be no problem : he could spare them ; and besides , he 'd be sure to assume that none of his subjects - aside from possibly William , who was obviously fond of the girl - would willingly follow her to that dangerous place . . . She ended the message by politely asking him to think the matter over and have a reply for her in the morning . The next morning , Martha came downstairs looking quite submissive , with a shawl over her head . She insisted that she 'd explain her test on the platform outside the palace gates . When the villagers saw that something was happening , they hurried up to watch . First she quietly asked her father if he agreed to her requests . He said that he did - as long as her husband - to - be didn 't raise any objections . He added that William had already been informed , and was in agreement . Martha then turned to the crowd , and in a loud voice , so that all there could hear , she announced that her father , the king , had graciously granted the following requests . Then she allowed the king to tell the crowd just what he had graciously granted . A buzz of whispering went through the crowd . When it had died down , Martha asked for the four remaining contestants to step forward . But only three presented themselves . The crowd let out a sigh of disappointment . The newcomer wasn 't there ! " No matter , " said Martha . " They tell me that he 's travelled far . Perhaps he 's resting … As the fourth test will not actually take place until this evening , all the contestants will have the whole day to relax … " I would like to thank my father the King for this opportunity to start a new life in Markham … " [ Another buzz spread through the crowd : Did you hear that ? ! Didn 't you tell me she was upset at this whole thing ? And now thanking the king ! A " new life " in Markham ! My oh my ! Just look at the face of His Majesty ! He looks just that surprised by what the Princess has said … ] " For some time now I have been rather unhappy here and I will be glad to leave . I shall be sorry to leave behind friends that I have made here " [ here ladies Isabel and Caroline simpered …] " and only hope that some of you will have decided - or perhaps will soon decide - to join me in this new adventure . " [ … and here they coughed and spluttered . ] " They say that Markham is a dangerous place . This may be true , but there seems to be some doubt as to who suffers moElla Of The Cinders ( HTML version ) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Acrobat Reader ® version The Hand Of The Princess ( HTML version ) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Acrobat Reader ® versionLa Mano De La Princesa ( versión HTML ) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Acrobat Reader ® versionThe Frog And The Princess ( HTML version ) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Acrobat Reader ® versionThe Witch And Her Two Guests ( HTML version ) . . . . . . . . . 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There were quite a few extra men eating at our house sometimes . In the spring when the weather was finally warm , we had sheep shearers who came and removed the sheep 's wool so they would be comfortable in the summer . The wool was then rolled into bundles , tied with binder twine , and sold . I took hold of Daddy or Uncle Doc 's hand and went in to see how they did it . The sheep looked so silly sitting meekly on its tail while it had wool all around it . They were shearing evenly down the sheep . When they got through , the sheep looked very white where the wool had been . While it is still weather for jackets or coats in the spring , the lambs have to have their tails cut off so they only have a short little tail left . It is done for sanitary reasons . Uncle Doc was cutting them off with a sharp knife while Daddy or Charley held the lamb . One held and one dipped . I told Uncle Doc that I didn 't want him to do this , because it would hurt the lamb . He said no , it really doesn 't . Then he took my hand and said " Feel here . It is a joint ; I 'm not cutting the bone . It separates here . " I could feel that the bone was missing at that particular place and it felt like just skin . The lamb didn 't even bleed that I saw . It 's tail - - what was left of it - - was immediately dipped into a fairly thick substance that smelled really awful . Then the lamb rushed away to its mother . In the fall , harvest hands came to cut the hay with a combine . It was hot still , so they rested at noon sometimes and worked late at night . Daddy had two hay fields that I know about . The smell of newly cut hay is wonderful . When the harvest hands came to dinner at noon , they had taken off their shirts because the shirts were sweaty and had hay dust on them . Mom asked Daddy to ask them to wear their shirts because of us . They shook them out and put them back on . In the summer , we always ate on the long front porch near the kitchen door . Mom had a table with sides that folded down to about eight or nine inches from the floor . It had an extra leg on each side that was attached to the middle . They would swing out in the middle and hold up the folded down side . Mom put an oil cloth on this table instead of a table cloth . It was cooler eating on the porch than in the kitchen . When we ate out there at night we had some determined flying insects who wanted to come in and join us . However , they couldn 't get through the screen . The lamp was setting on the table and the light attracted them . We had the most beautiful moonlight nights back home . There was a breeze most of the time . I remember when I was dating Edgar later that the weeping willow branches made lovely shadows on the porch when they blew in the wind . I always silently admired them when he brought me home . The family used to sit out in the yard on summer nights . The stars were so bright . Charley used to show me the little dipper , big dipper and other configurations in the sky . Missouri had beautiful rolling green hills . The farm house was built on high ground . We could sit in the yard and see the light of Moberly and Huntsville in the distance . Those were good times . Moberly was twenty miles away by the road and Huntsville was fourteen miles away . Of course , they were closer " as the crow flies . " No matter what the season , Daddy always went to bed at 8 o ' clock . He would let Frankie in and wind the clock . Then off to bed . However , he slept poorly . He had injured his knee when a log rolled and pinched it , and it still ached . Besides , I think his legs may have cramped . Anyway , he slept in short naps . He walked around for awhile between naps and then tried a different bed , such as the living room couch , or the cot on the porch , or even the hammock between two of the cedar trees in the yard . Every night at 4 a . m . , I would hear the train whistle as it came around the bend before the crossing in Jacksonville . It was a lonesome sound , but a comforting one too , because it was dependable . I always heard it . Sometimes , we heard a wolf howl . Sometimes another one answered , but we usually just heard one . Daddy said he was talking to or looking for a mate . When some of the livestock such as lambs were taken , the neighbors got upset and stopped by on their horses to see if Daddy wanted to help hunt the wolf and kill it . Daddy was about twenty years older than they were . He just wanted to sleep . Besides , I think he hated to kill it . It looked like a dog . One time they actually did kill a wolf . One of the neighbors ( I think it was Roscoe ) stopped to show it to Uncle Doc . He had it tied to the bumper of his car . It was so thin and small , I felt sorry for it . The wolves had a bounty on them at that time and the neighbor was taking it somewhere to collect . We still heard a wolf howling . I told Daddy it was killing lambs and chickens because it was hungry . I said , lets get it meat from the meat house and put it close to where it is so it won 't be hungry . We didn 't get to keep Rowdy and Buster . When they were about half grown , Irvin Williams , who owned the farm directly up the road from us , came and told Daddy that one of his animals was missing and that he had seen the two pups running across his land . He said he couldn 't afford to lose any livestock , and if he saw the pups on his land again he would shoot them . Daddy asked if he had seen them chasing or trying to kill his livestock . Irvin said no . Daddy told him the pups were not hungry - - that they were fed a lot of food . He said pups run and play . Daddy reminded him that there was a wolf or wolves around . Irvin didn 't care - - he wasn 't taking any chances . He told Daddy to do something with the pups . Daddy did something all right . He had a new barn for the sheep so he could put early lambs and their mother inside , instead of covering the snowy pasture with straw again like he did last time . He put straw on the floor of the new barn , a bucket of water inside and some food . Then he gave the barn to the pups . They could get sunshine in and see out , because spaces had been left between the boards so the sheep wouldn 't be too hot . At least I think that was why . Maybe it wasn 't finished . Daddy and Charley fed , watered , and petted them . Jean and I petted their noses though the boards . Sometimes they could be heard running and playing inside . Jean and I were afraid to open the door . We thought they might run out and get shot . Finally , after quite a period of time , Daddy said it wasn 't much of a life for them staying in the barn . He asked if we would care if he could find a good home in town for them . We agreed . So away went Rowdy and Buster . Rowdy and Buster 's mother managed to break her leg . Daddy made a sling for her . It fit underneath her with four holes for her legs . Then he fastened it to a limb of the mulberry tree in the yard . She could just barely touch the yard with her feet . One embarrassing incident I remember is when Aunt Opal and her kids came from Colorado for a visit one time . I had been told repeatedly not to step in between the wood supports for the unfinished floor on the right of the staircase upstairs . I knew better than to step on it , but I just didn 't believe it wouldn 't support me . I wanted to see what would happen . I found out immediately when I stepped there . Suddenly , I could see into Charley 's room . I had gone through his ceiling and would have fallen if I hadn 't doubled my arms and put each arm straight out so it would rested on one of the supports . The supports were close together . Aunt Opal heard something and came in to find me suspended through the ceiling with my legs dangling down into space . She yelled for Mom and the two of them took hold of me and got me down . It was most embarrassing ! Jean and I found something to do that was fun . The fourth garden was just off the chicken yard by a pond . There was a large , old , yellow apple tree there in the corner by the wood fence that separated the garden from the sheep pasture . This was inside the garden . In the spring , when Jean and I were small , Mom would cut a little branch off the willow tree and cut a piece about 3 or 4 inches off , cut a little hole in the top and cut a path in the inside ( I think ) , also she slipped the bark off and made us each a whistle . Charley did it too , sometimes . They each could make us a cat 's cradle with string and also make other things . I never could remember how to do any of it , although they tried to tell me . They could make a blade of grass sound like a whistle . Mom also found other uses for little branches - - probably willow . Jean and I kept arguing and were driving her crazy . She cut off a branch and made a little switch which she laid on top of the warmer on the stove . She said if we kept going , she would switch us . She used it as a threat several times after that until Jean took it down and broke it in two . She didn 't bother replacing it . I was telling Daddy one time that I wished the swing under the mulberry tree would go really high . Sometime later , he and Charley came with two horses and a wagon to a tall tree at the edge of the woods with really high branches . I went along as they tied a rope over a straight branch and Daddy fitted on the board seat he had made for it . I had my swing and this one did go really high . I felt like I could see everything . Just like a poem I liked . Summertime was a really nice time on the farm for me . Days that were not too hot , filtered sunlight and puffy white clouds of different shapes . I spent a lot of time laying on my stomach on the floor of the South room reading , after I got old enough to read . I had the Nancy Drew books , Kay Tracey books , and lots of westerns . Uncle Doc used to read them and discuss them with me . He bought me my first Wyatt Earp book , " Wyatt Earp , Frontier Marshal . " He also said that when he was young , he remembered hearing about Wyatt Earp . We used to talk about the O . K . Corral . If he had still been around , Uncle Doc would have enjoyed seeing it when I finally went there years later with my children and husband . I thought about him , and missed him . Sometimes , I helped snap beans or shelled peas . As I got older , I made different kinds of salads . But I really didn 't help Mom the way I should have . I did things sometimes . Daddy used to tell me to help Mom , but she really didn 't encourage it . For one thing , she had an enormous amount of work to do and she was very fast while I was so slow I don 't think she had time to wait for me . Maybe she wanted us to grow up carefree because she was working hard when she was just a little girl . Anyway , I feel guilty . She used to tell me to talk to Jean . Jean was afraid of all the animals , except the dogs and cats . She really didn 't pay a lot of attention to them , either . Later , she especially liked cats . One time when we were small , I took Jean with me and followed Daddy as he watered Tony . When he started to lead him into the barn lot , I wanted to ride . He put us on Tony . Jean was behind me . We were going up the little incline from the road into the barnyard when Jean moved a little farther back . She said , " I 'm falling , I 'm falling . " I told Daddy . He stopped Tony , checked where she was sitting , and said , " No , you 're all right . " Jean slid off of Tony and held on to his tail all the way down . Tony just stopped and stood there . Maybe this is one reason she didn 't like animals , but she was afraid to begin with . Daddy and Uncle Doc had a little brother who died when a horse kicked him in the head . Daddy was careful with Jean . She just didn 't - - maybe couldn 't - - hold on to me except very lightly . Jean hated the farm . She didn 't care about all the things I thought were interesting . By the time she was in late grade school , she wanted to live in a big city with lots of things to do and especially lots of dresses to buy . She wanted to do things with people her own age . I was so bored talking to her about clothes and styles . She has lived in Kansas City , St . Louis , Chicago , Los Angeles and Phoenix since she grew up . She has had a lot of beautiful clothes . I guess she knew what she wanted . Anyway , back to the summer . Mom carried vegetables from each of the gardens and canned them . It was really hot in the kitchen when she was canning . Mom was proud of her canning . Daddy made , or had someone make , a lot of shelves in the cellar for her and she canned until they were all full and nothing left to can . We had an apple tree with yellow apples , pear trees , several kinds of cherry trees , an apricot tree , two mulberry trees , a tree with damsons . She made preserves from some of these and canned them . We had little tiny yellow tomatoes in the garden . She made preserves of them . She said we could have some in the winter that way . Daddy and Uncle Doc also bought a basket of red apples , which she turned into apple sauce and other types of canned apples . Daddy used to come home for dinner , wash his face , neck , and hands . And also comb his hair . His hair was still dark , with threads of gray , and had a wave . He was in his sixties . Daddy had trouble standing the heat of summer , more so as he got older . After eating , he went down to the cellar where he rested on the cot for awhile . As he got older , he stayed in the cellar for a longer time at noon and worked later at night . The cellar was as cold as refrigeration . There were two ways to enter . The kitchen had a door in the floor which one could raise and then climb down the stairs , which is what Daddy did . There was also a slanted outside door laying at an angle on the framework . The head was higher . This door was never locked and could be raised so one could walk down the concrete steps to the cellar . Of course , if anyone opened the outside door , the warm outside air came in . The kitchen door was later blocked off , so only the outside door was used then . There was a churn in the cellar , also . Mom used to churn butter sometimes during the weekend . Charley also came and did part of the churning . I can 't remember what the churn looked like , except that it was like a large wooden bucket with a lid and a paddle in the middle . I hope what I have described is correct . The handle of the paddle stuck out the top of the middle of the lid . I think Mom used to skim a heavy amount of cream off the milk and use it to make butter . I don 't know if it had anything else put in it or around it . It may have had table salt in it . When the butter was finished , there was thin milk left with flecks of butter in it . This was called buttermilk . Mom and Charley liked to drink it . Jean and I didn 't like milk of any kind . Maybe chocolate . Sometimes on Sunday , during the summer , they made ice cream . There was a wooden ice cream maker in the cellar with a smaller metal container in it . The cream , sugar and flavoring such as vanilla were put in the metal container . If there was anything else , I don 't remember . The ice cream maker outside the metal had ice and coarse salt put in it . A handle had to be turned until the ice cream was frozen . Jean and I thought it would never be ice cream . Just before it was finished , sometimes Mom would add small slices of peaches . We also must have had a peach tree , but I can 't think where . I still inspected it . It was the only thing that bothered me . I was just sure it must have a little bug somewhere . I don 't know what age I was . Probably grade school . The whole year was interesting back home because there was always something to look forward to with each season . In spring everything was new and growing . The grass , the flowers , the baby animals . The spring showers really did make the grass and flowers grow , just like the song says . The lilacs bloomed and the next month the roses . The bridal wreath bloomed . It looked like a big snowball with all the white blossoms all over the branches and the fact that the branches all drooped . Mom had made two flower beds - - one large rectangular one and one large round one . They were near to the honeysuckle on the end of the little porch , but nearer the three cedar trees . They could be seen from the road . She planted different kinds of flowers so they always looked beautiful . I loved the old washing machine that she had taken everything off of and painted red . It was made of wood . She planted different kinds of moss in it . Some of the flowers were double . It set in the front yard near the well and between two cement walks . I used to be afraid of it when I was little . The North bedroom felt very far away from the kitchen where Mom was working . I ran and jumped in Charley 's bed and pulled the covers over my head . She looked forward to the birds coming back again . The wren , the blue bird , the robin , and the cardinal . She thought they made things cheerful . They didn 't really stay around the yard much . Sometimes , one would sit on the fence in the back yard for a few minutes . The wren seemed to get busy building her nest . We would see her fly by with something in her bill for the nest . Mom used to take us to the woods sometimes . We had picnics there and Mom used to make sounds like the different birds . They would answer and fly to a nearby tree . She could even sound like the whippoorwills and bob - o - links . They would also answer and fly to a tree near us . Across the road in the hogs ' upper pasture just inside the fence were berries to pick at the proper time . What I really found interesting there was the mimosa , or shame briar as it was called . It had long leaves similar to a fern . If you ran a finger along the middle of the leaf , the sides of it folded together . I loved the dandelions when they came out . When I was small , I was sure I would find an elf sitting on one someday . After all , they are the color of gold . Often , spring rains caused the East Fork to flood and we couldn 't go to school . Jean and I were just delighted if we woke up and found it had been raining all night . We knew we probably were staying home . Unfortunately , the teacher made us make up any work that we missed . Charley used to tease me in grade school and it made me so mad . He used to say , " Well , tomorrow is Thursday , " then he would grin , " unless it rains . Then it is a rainy day . " One time when high school got out for the year , it immediately started raining and rained steadily for a week . Martha Riley ( my best friend ) and I had really been looking forward to all the things we would have fun doing . Instead , we were stuck in the house writing each other complaining letters . I used to like to explore upstairs in the house . I found interesting things . One time I showed Mom an old fashioned telephone I found . She said there used to be a party phone line through the neighborhood . Then they had a really bad storm . The lightning ran in on the phone lines and tore our phone off the wall and slammed it across the room . After that , Daddy didn 't get his phone and lines fixed and no one else wanted a phone either . If anyone wanted to make a call , they went to the switchboard at Darksville . In all the time we lived on the farms , there were no tornados . But the grade school gave instructions each year about what to do in case of one . They said stay away from trees , lie in a ditch if there is no water ( fat chance ! ) or lie flat on the ground face down . Always protect the head . If home , get in the middle of the house in a doorway or in a cellar or basement , if there is one . A tornado finally struck the area . The second farm that Mom sold in November 1966 when she moved out here was three miles east of Moberly where I went to college . About a year or two before David and I went back in 1997 , a tornado came in from the east , demolished Mom 's used - to - be farm house and tore up a lot of the town of Moberly . This was on the 4th of July . We had a very strong wind one time . I haven 't seen anything like it since . I looked at the horizon out front and there was a pale green color all along just above it . I pointed it out to Mom and asked why the sky was that color . Mom said it was wind . We weren 't quite through when the wind started blowing through the house . Mom said to stay out of it and against the wall . It was over in a short time .

There were quite a few extra men eating at our house sometimes . In the spring when the weather was finally warm , we had sheep shearers who came and removed the sheep 's wool so they would be comfortable in the summer . The wool was then rolled into bundles , tied with binder twine , and sold . I took hold of Daddy or Uncle Doc 's hand and went in to see how they did it . The sheep looked so silly sitting meekly on its tail while it had wool all around it . They were shearing evenly down the sheep . When they got through , the sheep looked very white where the wool had been . While it is still weather for jackets or coats in the spring , the lambs have to have their tails cut off so they only have a short little tail left . It is done for sanitary reasons . Uncle Doc was cutting them off with a sharp knife while Daddy or Charley held the lamb . One held and one dipped . I told Uncle Doc that I didn 't want him to do this , because it would hurt the lamb . He said no , it really doesn 't . Then he took my hand and said " Feel here . It is a joint ; I 'm not cutting the bone . It separates here . " I could feel that the bone was missing at that particular place and it felt like just skin . The lamb didn 't even bleed that I saw . It 's tail - - what was left of it - - was immediately dipped into a fairly thick substance that smelled really awful . Then the lamb rushed away to its mother . In the fall , harvest hands came to cut the hay with a combine . It was hot still , so they rested at noon sometimes and worked late at night . Daddy had two hay fields that I know about . The smell of newly cut hay is wonderful . When the harvest hands came to dinner at noon , they had taken off their shirts because the shirts were sweaty and had hay dust on them . Mom asked Daddy to ask them to wear their shirts because of us . They shook them out and put them back on . In the summer , we always ate on the long front porch near the kitchen door . Mom had a table with sides that folded down to about eight or nine inches from the floor . It had an extra leg on each side that was attached to the middle . They would swing out in the middle and hold up the folded down side . Mom put an oil cloth on this table instead of a table cloth . It was cooler eating on the porch than in the kitchen . When we ate out there at night we had some determined flying insects who wanted to come in and join us . However , they couldn 't get through the screen . The lamp was setting on the table and the light attracted them . We had the most beautiful moonlight nights back home . There was a breeze most of the time . I remember when I was dating Edgar later that the weeping willow branches made lovely shadows on the porch when they blew in the wind . I always silently admired them when he brought me home . The family used to sit out in the yard on summer nights . The stars were so bright . Charley used to show me the little dipper , big dipper and other configurations in the sky . Missouri had beautiful rolling green hills . The farm house was built on high ground . We could sit in the yard and see the light of Moberly and Huntsville in the distance . Those were good times . Moberly was twenty miles away by the road and Huntsville was fourteen miles away . Of course , they were closer " as the crow flies . " No matter what the season , Daddy always went to bed at 8 o ' clock . He would let Frankie in and wind the clock . Then off to bed . However , he slept poorly . He had injured his knee when a log rolled and pinched it , and it still ached . Besides , I think his legs may have cramped . Anyway , he slept in short naps . He walked around for awhile between naps and then tried a different bed , such as the living room couch , or the cot on the porch , or even the hammock between two of the cedar trees in the yard . Every night at 4 a . m . , I would hear the train whistle as it came around the bend before the crossing in Jacksonville . It was a lonesome sound , but a comforting one too , because it was dependable . I always heard it . Sometimes , we heard a wolf howl . Sometimes another one answered , but we usually just heard one . Daddy said he was talking to or looking for a mate . When some of the livestock such as lambs were taken , the neighbors got upset and stopped by on their horses to see if Daddy wanted to help hunt the wolf and kill it . Daddy was about twenty years older than they were . He just wanted to sleep . Besides , I think he hated to kill it . It looked like a dog . One time they actually did kill a wolf . One of the neighbors ( I think it was Roscoe ) stopped to show it to Uncle Doc . He had it tied to the bumper of his car . It was so thin and small , I felt sorry for it . The wolves had a bounty on them at that time and the neighbor was taking it somewhere to collect . We still heard a wolf howling . I told Daddy it was killing lambs and chickens because it was hungry . I said , lets get it meat from the meat house and put it close to where it is so it won 't be hungry . We didn 't get to keep Rowdy and Buster . When they were about half grown , Irvin Williams , who owned the farm directly up the road from us , came and told Daddy that one of his animals was missing and that he had seen the two pups running across his land . He said he couldn 't afford to lose any livestock , and if he saw the pups on his land again he would shoot them . Daddy asked if he had seen them chasing or trying to kill his livestock . Irvin said no . Daddy told him the pups were not hungry - - that they were fed a lot of food . He said pups run and play . Daddy reminded him that there was a wolf or wolves around . Irvin didn 't care - - he wasn 't taking any chances . He told Daddy to do something with the pups . Daddy did something all right . He had a new barn for the sheep so he could put early lambs and their mother inside , instead of covering the snowy pasture with straw again like he did last time . He put straw on the floor of the new barn , a bucket of water inside and some food . Then he gave the barn to the pups . They could get sunshine in and see out , because spaces had been left between the boards so the sheep wouldn 't be too hot . At least I think that was why . Maybe it wasn 't finished . Daddy and Charley fed , watered , and petted them . Jean and I petted their noses though the boards . Sometimes they could be heard running and playing inside . Jean and I were afraid to open the door . We thought they might run out and get shot . Finally , after quite a period of time , Daddy said it wasn 't much of a life for them staying in the barn . He asked if we would care if he could find a good home in town for them . We agreed . So away went Rowdy and Buster . Rowdy and Buster 's mother managed to break her leg . Daddy made a sling for her . It fit underneath her with four holes for her legs . Then he fastened it to a limb of the mulberry tree in the yard . She could just barely touch the yard with her feet . One embarrassing incident I remember is when Aunt Opal and her kids came from Colorado for a visit one time . I had been told repeatedly not to step in between the wood supports for the unfinished floor on the right of the staircase upstairs . I knew better than to step on it , but I just didn 't believe it wouldn 't support me . I wanted to see what would happen . I found out immediately when I stepped there . Suddenly , I could see into Charley 's room . I had gone through his ceiling and would have fallen if I hadn 't doubled my arms and put each arm straight out so it would rested on one of the supports . The supports were close together . Aunt Opal heard something and came in to find me suspended through the ceiling with my legs dangling down into space . She yelled for Mom and the two of them took hold of me and got me down . It was most embarrassing ! Jean and I found something to do that was fun . The fourth garden was just off the chicken yard by a pond . There was a large , old , yellow apple tree there in the corner by the wood fence that separated the garden from the sheep pasture . This was inside the garden . In the spring , when Jean and I were small , Mom would cut a little branch off the willow tree and cut a piece about 3 or 4 inches off , cut a little hole in the top and cut a path in the inside ( I think ) , also she slipped the bark off and made us each a whistle . Charley did it too , sometimes . They each could make us a cat 's cradle with string and also make other things . I never could remember how to do any of it , although they tried to tell me . They could make a blade of grass sound like a whistle . Mom also found other uses for little branches - - probably willow . Jean and I kept arguing and were driving her crazy . She cut off a branch and made a little switch which she laid on top of the warmer on the stove . She said if we kept going , she would switch us . She used it as a threat several times after that until Jean took it down and broke it in two . She didn 't bother replacing it . I was telling Daddy one time that I wished the swing under the mulberry tree would go really high . Sometime later , he and Charley came with two horses and a wagon to a tall tree at the edge of the woods with really high branches . I went along as they tied a rope over a straight branch and Daddy fitted on the board seat he had made for it . I had my swing and this one did go really high . I felt like I could see everything . Just like a poem I liked . Summertime was a really nice time on the farm for me . Days that were not too hot , filtered sunlight and puffy white clouds of different shapes . I spent a lot of time laying on my stomach on the floor of the South room reading , after I got old enough to read . I had the Nancy Drew books , Kay Tracey books , and lots of westerns . Uncle Doc used to read them and discuss them with me . He bought me my first Wyatt Earp book , " Wyatt Earp , Frontier Marshal . " He also said that when he was young , he remembered hearing about Wyatt Earp . We used to talk about the O . K . Corral . If he had still been around , Uncle Doc would have enjoyed seeing it when I finally went there years later with my children and husband . I thought about him , and missed him . Sometimes , I helped snap beans or shelled peas . As I got older , I made different kinds of salads . But I really didn 't help Mom the way I should have . I did things sometimes . Daddy used to tell me to help Mom , but she really didn 't encourage it . For one thing , she had an enormous amount of work to do and she was very fast while I was so slow I don 't think she had time to wait for me . Maybe she wanted us to grow up carefree because she was working hard when she was just a little girl . Anyway , I feel guilty . She used to tell me to talk to Jean . Jean was afraid of all the animals , except the dogs and cats . She really didn 't pay a lot of attention to them , either . Later , she especially liked cats . One time when we were small , I took Jean with me and followed Daddy as he watered Tony . When he started to lead him into the barn lot , I wanted to ride . He put us on Tony . Jean was behind me . We were going up the little incline from the road into the barnyard when Jean moved a little farther back . She said , " I 'm falling , I 'm falling . " I told Daddy . He stopped Tony , checked where she was sitting , and said , " No , you 're all right . " Jean slid off of Tony and held on to his tail all the way down . Tony just stopped and stood there . Maybe this is one reason she didn 't like animals , but she was afraid to begin with . Daddy and Uncle Doc had a little brother who died when a horse kicked him in the head . Daddy was careful with Jean . She just didn 't - - maybe couldn 't - - hold on to me except very lightly . Jean hated the farm . She didn 't care about all the things I thought were interesting . By the time she was in late grade school , she wanted to live in a big city with lots of things to do and especially lots of dresses to buy . She wanted to do things with people her own age . I was so bored talking to her about clothes and styles . She has lived in Kansas City , St . Louis , Chicago , Los Angeles and Phoenix since she grew up . She has had a lot of beautiful clothes . I guess she knew what she wanted . Anyway , back to the summer . Mom carried vegetables from each of the gardens and canned them . It was really hot in the kitchen when she was canning . Mom was proud of her canning . Daddy made , or had someone make , a lot of shelves in the cellar for her and she canned until they were all full and nothing left to can . We had an apple tree with yellow apples , pear trees , several kinds of cherry trees , an apricot tree , two mulberry trees , a tree with damsons . She made preserves from some of these and canned them . We had little tiny yellow tomatoes in the garden . She made preserves of them . She said we could have some in the winter that way . Daddy and Uncle Doc also bought a basket of red apples , which she turned into apple sauce and other types of canned apples . Daddy used to come home for dinner , wash his face , neck , and hands . And also comb his hair . His hair was still dark , with threads of gray , and had a wave . He was in his sixties . Daddy had trouble standing the heat of summer , more so as he got older . After eating , he went down to the cellar where he rested on the cot for awhile . As he got older , he stayed in the cellar for a longer time at noon and worked later at night . The cellar was as cold as refrigeration . There were two ways to enter . The kitchen had a door in the floor which one could raise and then climb down the stairs , which is what Daddy did . There was also a slanted outside door laying at an angle on the framework . The head was higher . This door was never locked and could be raised so one could walk down the concrete steps to the cellar . Of course , if anyone opened the outside door , the warm outside air came in . The kitchen door was later blocked off , so only the outside door was used then . There was a churn in the cellar , also . Mom used to churn butter sometimes during the weekend . Charley also came and did part of the churning . I can 't remember what the churn looked like , except that it was like a large wooden bucket with a lid and a paddle in the middle . I hope what I have described is correct . The handle of the paddle stuck out the top of the middle of the lid . I think Mom used to skim a heavy amount of cream off the milk and use it to make butter . I don 't know if it had anything else put in it or around it . It may have had table salt in it . When the butter was finished , there was thin milk left with flecks of butter in it . This was called buttermilk . Mom and Charley liked to drink it . Jean and I didn 't like milk of any kind . Maybe chocolate . Sometimes on Sunday , during the summer , they made ice cream . There was a wooden ice cream maker in the cellar with a smaller metal container in it . The cream , sugar and flavoring such as vanilla were put in the metal container . If there was anything else , I don 't remember . The ice cream maker outside the metal had ice and coarse salt put in it . A handle had to be turned until the ice cream was frozen . Jean and I thought it would never be ice cream . Just before it was finished , sometimes Mom would add small slices of peaches . We also must have had a peach tree , but I can 't think where . I still inspected it . It was the only thing that bothered me . I was just sure it must have a little bug somewhere . I don 't know what age I was . Probably grade school . The whole year was interesting back home because there was always something to look forward to with each season . In spring everything was new and growing . The grass , the flowers , the baby animals . The spring showers really did make the grass and flowers grow , just like the song says . The lilacs bloomed and the next month the roses . The bridal wreath bloomed . It looked like a big snowball with all the white blossoms all over the branches and the fact that the branches all drooped . Mom had made two flower beds - - one large rectangular one and one large round one . They were near to the honeysuckle on the end of the little porch , but nearer the three cedar trees . They could be seen from the road . She planted different kinds of flowers so they always looked beautiful . I loved the old washing machine that she had taken everything off of and painted red . It was made of wood . She planted different kinds of moss in it . Some of the flowers were double . It set in the front yard near the well and between two cement walks . I used to be afraid of it when I was little . The North bedroom felt very far away from the kitchen where Mom was working . I ran and jumped in Charley 's bed and pulled the covers over my head . She looked forward to the birds coming back again . The wren , the blue bird , the robin , and the cardinal . She thought they made things cheerful . They didn 't really stay around the yard much . Sometimes , one would sit on the fence in the back yard for a few minutes . The wren seemed to get busy building her nest . We would see her fly by with something in her bill for the nest . Mom used to take us to the woods sometimes . We had picnics there and Mom used to make sounds like the different birds . They would answer and fly to a nearby tree . She could even sound like the whippoorwills and bob - o - links . They would also answer and fly to a tree near us . Across the road in the hogs ' upper pasture just inside the fence were berries to pick at the proper time . What I really found interesting there was the mimosa , or shame briar as it was called . It had long leaves similar to a fern . If you ran a finger along the middle of the leaf , the sides of it folded together . I loved the dandelions when they came out . When I was small , I was sure I would find an elf sitting on one someday . After all , they are the color of gold . Often , spring rains caused the East Fork to flood and we couldn 't go to school . Jean and I were just delighted if we woke up and found it had been raining all night . We knew we probably were staying home . Unfortunately , the teacher made us make up any work that we missed . Charley used to tease me in grade school and it made me so mad . He used to say , " Well , tomorrow is Thursday , " then he would grin , " unless it rains . Then it is a rainy day . " One time when high school got out for the year , it immediately started raining and rained steadily for a week . Martha Riley ( my best friend ) and I had really been looking forward to all the things we would have fun doing . Instead , we were stuck in the house writing each other complaining letters . I used to like to explore upstairs in the house . I found interesting things . One time I showed Mom an old fashioned telephone I found . She said there used to be a party phone line through the neighborhood . Then they had a really bad storm . The lightning ran in on the phone lines and tore our phone off the wall and slammed it across the room . After that , Daddy didn 't get his phone and lines fixed and no one else wanted a phone either . If anyone wanted to make a call , they went to the switchboard at Darksville . In all the time we lived on the farms , there were no tornados . But the grade school gave instructions each year about what to do in case of one . They said stay away from trees , lie in a ditch if there is no water ( fat chance ! ) or lie flat on the ground face down . Always protect the head . If home , get in the middle of the house in a doorway or in a cellar or basement , if there is one . A tornado finally struck the area . The second farm that Mom sold in November 1966 when she moved out here was three miles east of Moberly where I went to college . About a year or two before David and I went back in 1997 , a tornado came in from the east , demolished Mom 's used - to - be farm house and tore up a lot of the town of Moberly . This was on the 4th of July . We had a very strong wind one time . I haven 't seen anything like it since . I looked at the horizon out front and there was a pale green color all along just above it . I pointed it out to Mom and asked why the sky was that color . Mom said it was wind . We weren 't quite through when the wind started blowing through the house . Mom said to stay out of it and against the wall . It was over in a short time .

I was a little girl then , 5 or 6 years old . I was with my dad in Hungary . We went to a swimming pool . My dad said : " I will leave you for a moment . I 'll go and buy some ice - cream . Just wait for me . " I was scared . I didn 't want to stay there , when my dad left for the shop . I decided to follow him . I went out from the swimming pool . Unfortunately I couldn 't find my father . There were lots of people . I lost my way ! I was terrified and started to cry . A woman , who saw my tears , started to say something to comfort me . But I couldn 't understand her . I couldn 't speak Hungarian . I didn 't know what to do . I was running there , screaming : " Dad ! " . Finally , I saw my dad . He was just coming back with some ice - cream . I felt so happy ! Dad didn 't understand what had happened . I explained it to him . At last everything was OK . So . . . what 's the moral of the story ? ALWAYS LISTEN TO YOUR DADDY ! DADDY KNOWS BEST ! : - ) Asia , class I " g " It happened last holiday . I went to the Zoo with my brother and uncle . It was in Czech Republic . I thought that it would be boring but it was quite contrary . We were walking and watching animals when suddenly I saw a big giraffe which was approaching us . We were very frightened and my brother wanted to run away . It was too late ! The giraffe was huge ! People , who were there , were all laughing . . . but I ddn 't know why . I was running around and shouting . My uncle started to panic as well . Finally , a ZOO worker came and told my uncle that it 's normal , that this giraffe could walk out of its cage . The giraffe was called " Star " . People were accustomed to Star . We felt very surprised . It turned out that the giraffe was really nice . People could stroke it . Star liked this place . It was a very strange adventure . I don 't know what moral is of this story . . . but it was funny . Monika , class I " g " It was a beautiful day . I was shopping . When I was near a shelf with eggs , suddenly I saw a man who was wearing a black jacket , a black cap , black trousers and a black mask on his face . I noticed that he was stealing a purse , which belonged to a woman . I screamed " Pickpocket ! " . Then everybody looked at him and blocked the door . The police caught the thief and in reward the woman gave me a special free card for regular customers to the cinema . For free ! For . . . 4 people ! For . . . 5 years ! It turned out that the lady was a proprietor of a 3D cinema . Be honest ! : ) Gabrysia , class I " g " Last summer when I was in Lwów I had a strange adventure . My parents and I were walking in a park and there was a big monument . My parents wanted to take a photo of it and I went on the monument . My parents took the photo and we wanted to go ahead . Suddenly we saw a man who was screaming at us in a strange foreign language . We felt very surprised and we left . It was a very strange situation and I felt scared of that man . I will never forget this adventure . Justyna M . , class I " g " Last holiday we were on a camp in the Świętokrzysie Mountains . One evening , when we went to bed , a very funny adventure happened . We had a very hard day , so we slept very much . : ) In the morning , when we heard whistle reveille , we wanted to get up , but we were tied to our plank beds . ( So sweet ! ) : ) We attempted to untie strings , but it turned out that somebody had tied us very stronlgy . : ) Finally , when we managed with strings , we were late for the assembly . It had got very unpleasant consequences . We had to scrub the toilet ! ! ! :-\ . It was a very exciting excercise : ) We were enchanted ! Today we still don 't know , who tied us to the plank beds . Amanda and Monika , class III " e " One day I noticed my cat wasn 't at home . I told my parents she had disappeared . We started to look for her . It was at night so it was dark . We went outside and started to look for the cat . Suddenly we noticed her . She was sitting under a car . We called " Kici ! Kici ! " but she didn 't want to come to us . I went home for something to eat . When the cat smelled some ham , she approached us . My mum was very happy and she kissed her . We took the cat home . When she was walking around the house I realised that she was doing it in a strange way . Then I understood it wasn 't my cat ! My mum had found a wrong cat . We didn 't know what to do . Then somebody knocked at the door . When I opened it , my cat was sitting on the shoescraper . This time it was the right pet . It turned out that a little girl , who lived in an apartment above us , had taken our cat . But now we had two cats and we didn 't know what to do with the cat which wasn 't ours . We asked our neighbours who the black cat belonged to . It turned out that it was an elderly lady 's cat . So we gave it to her and everybody was happy . It was a funny adventure . Ola , class III " e " One day I went to a forest with my family . We picked up mushrooms and raspberries . My dad went back to our car and suddenly he noticed a small , thin dog . The animal was sad and starving . Dad took it to the car and gave it some food . When we came back to the car we saw dad with the dog . I asked my parents if we could take the dog home with us . My mum and dad agreed . Then we returned home . The dog feels very well at our home and it has grown very big . Ania , class III " e " This situation happened when I was 6 - 7 years old . My great - grandmother died two months before that . I was sitting in my room at our new home , where we had moved in a few months before . My parents were in the kitchen and they were busy preparing dinner . I was listening to music on my CD - player . Suddenly I felt stuffy in my lungs . I stood up very quickly and looked around . In a few moments I thought I had died because I could see my great - grandmother who had died two months ago . I couldn 't stop looking at her . In spite of dying at the age of 89 she looked beautiful . She looked like a 25 year old woman . I also heard a strange , peaceful song . My great - grandmother was dancing with my great - grandfather , who had died before I was born . They were so happy . I felt so peaceful . I knew that she had found peace . I don 't know how this could have happened . But after that I stopped feeling worried because of her death . After that I believe that nothing is impossible . Agata , class III " e " When I was twelve years old , I went to a park with my friends . We ate some ice - cream and walked . Suddenly a few furious pandas jumped out of the bushes . We were very scared and we started to scream . The furious pandas began to chase us but we climbed a tree . We threw some bananas for them . I missed one of the pandas . It fell down and the remaining pandas escaped . It was a strange and silly adventure . The pandas went to the ZOO and never came back . Ola , class I " g " I was thirteen years old . My class and I were on a primary school trip . We were in the Świętokrzyskie Mountains . We were walking , smiling and talking . Suddenly I realized I had lost my group . Fortunately , there were some friends with me . We started screaming . I felt scared because it started to get dark . We decided to look for our teacher . After an hour we found our group and we went to the hotel . I will never forget this adventure but I think it was a bit funny experience as well . Kasia O . , class I " g " When I was on holiday , I had an unpleasant adventure . It was two years ago . I went with my friend to a restaurant because we were hungry . We knew this restaurant quite well , as we had been there before five times . I liked this place but now I have unpleasant memories of it . On that day we ordered some food and we were waiting . While the waiter was bringing it , he fell down and the food landed on me ! I was very angry and left the restaurant . While I was going out , everyone was looking at me with astonishment . Now I will always look carefully at the waiter , who brings the food , before I make an order . Paulina , class I " g " In June last year my family and I ( brother , sister , mum and dad ) , were near a lake , 30 kilometers from Lublin . On the 4th of June my brother and I went swimming at 8 A . M . Mum said : " Be careful ! " As usual we didn 't listen to her . We went swimming to the place , where it is deep . My brother can 't swim , I can . He wanted to play some stupid games . I agreed . I thought that it was a stupid idea , but time won 't go back . While playing along my brother stayed under water . He lost consciousness . I saved him . I did artificial respiration . Fortunately my brother is alive , because I can 't imagine my life without him ! I love my brother ! ! ! xD Dominik , class III " g " I was in Zwierzyniec last year . It was a primary school trip . I will never forget it . It was a sunny day at 8 o ' clock . Our group had to go to the wood to find signs which our teacher had left . Everybody thought that it was very funny and safe . When we were walking and singing we saw a man with a sew . He looked like a monster . He had red eyes , long , dirty hair and he was very ugly . He couldn 't stand on his legs , but he shouted very loudly : ' Why are you here ? I will kill you ! ' . We were scared and we started running . Two of us ran to the left to our hostel . Others ran to the right into the dark wood . Me and my friends stayed at the same place , because we couldn 't rush . The man was totally drunken and he didn 't realise how he behaved . We didn 't know what we should do . Ten minuts letter our teacher appeared and he told us that the rest of our group was lost and we had to look for them . The man was shouting and shouting . Sudenlly he fell down . We started laughing at him . We were looking for our friends all day , but they were found the next day . They were hungry and scared , as they thought the drunken man was a killer . Magda Z . , class I " g " One Sanday afternoon this summer my family and I decided to go for a walk to the forest . It was a very beautiful day . The weather was cool . We were walking along a small path when we saw some forest fruit . Then we thought we could eat some blueberries and raspberries . Suddenly it started to rain . At first we didn 't know what we should have done . We decided to go back . Soon we lost our path . The weather was very bad and we didn 't know how we could go back to the car . We were very hungry but we had some fruit . We were walking and walking and we couldn 't find the right way . Our clothes were wet . As a result after four hours we saw our dog . We were very happy . In the end when we got back home our car stopped in a big puddle . We had to push our vehicle . To my horror I had wet and dirty clothes . Finally I wanted to go back to my lovely home and go to sleep . Nikol , class III " e " It happened last Saturday . On that day the snow was falling very generously and it was everywhere ! Iarranged with my best friend from primary school , Magda , I would be able to visit her at home . ( She lives in tenement ) When I was going by car to her , my mum informed me that the windscreen washer ended . She asked me to clean the windscreen with snow , when we stopped right Magda 's house . We parked . I went out of the car and started to clean the windscreen with a handful of snow . I was nearly laying down on the bonnet . It was very inconvenient . For my bad luck at this moment my friend went out her house and saw me . She burst out laughing . I straightened up and became very red . But one second later I burst out laughing too xD . <<< - - - - - - - That pretty girl is my best friend MagdaTiGeR ( Iga ) Iga , class I " g " THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFEIt was at 25 / 26 May 2007 . It was the day of my two - day - trip to Czorsztyn with class from primary school - 6c xD . With us went our biology teacher ( Mrs . Grażyna ) , our class tutor ( Mrs . Magda ) and Kacper 's ( my best friend xD ) dad . Mr . Białota ( It is the Kacper 's surname xD ) is a very nice men : - ) . Ok , ok … enough about my friend 's dad ! xDWe came in the bus and stirred . The time of the way to our center wasn 't very long , because everyone sang songs and played " Flirt " ( card game xD ) . When we arrived at once the owner of the center assigned us the rooms . I was in room for four persons with Magda , Kinga and Baśka ( They are my friends . : D In reality Baśka is named Caroline . Once we performed TV series " Kryminalni " and she was Baśka . : - ) From that time we called her Baśka . ) We left our luggage and went to canteen for the dinner . Next we went to small meadow near our center . There we played football , volleyball and rugby . Our teachers and Mr . Białota were sunbathing ! : D But it isn 't the end of this story …… OH NO ! ! When it got dark we came back to center for the bonfire . We were baking the sausages and eating them witch bread , ketchup , mustard and drinking hot tea . We came back to our rooms . I and my girls ( xD ) were very bored . So , we went to our class - boys ! We were sitting on their beds and laughing very loud . In the last moment Mrs . Magda came to boys ' room and … GAVE GIRLS A SCOLDING ! ! We had to come back to our room . We were very sad . And suddenly , boys droppped in our room ! ! We were talking till midnight . The next day we went on a looong trip . We went on foot to very famous Czorsztyn 's castle . I have been there so many times and I was a guide of our trip . xD Next we drove to Niedzica to second castle . And here we were buying a keepsakes . One hour later we started to tour the Niedzica 's castle . After that we came back . : ( Two minuses of that trip : ONE : I got sunburnt : / TWO : I lost my voice ! Calmly ! Calmly ! xD I regained it two days later . THIS DAYS WERE THE Posted by In November last year , I and my friends went to my house , situated in the area which is placed from Lublin 15 kilometers . We went there by bus which was very crowded . After making a wonderful and very tasty pizza , we set for watching horrors . These horrors weren 't terrifying , they were funny . While we were watching the third movie , suddenly the lights went off . We weren 't frightened but each of us felt uncomfortable emotions . We lit some candles and we waited for return of parents , gaily talking . When we returned to Lublin we noticed snow which hadn 't been in the area before . We were surprised positively . As turned out later , there wasn 't electricity in the whole region and it was turned on again at about 2 in night . As you can see , a horror mustn 't be always terrifying but everything depends on mood and … the presence of light ; ) Ola , class III " g " My name is Carlos and my favourite sport is cycling . One day I went for a bike ride in the mountain . I didn 't have my mobile phone and my mother and father were concermed . I was riding my bicycle when I tripped on a stone and fell . Soon the police appeared and helped me . They took me home . It happened three years ago during my stay in Brazil . I went there with my parents for my summer holidays . And to tell you the truth , I know that I will never forget them because I experienced a horrible adventure there . On the 5th of July I was enjoying myself at Ipanema Beach ( one of the most attractive beaches in the world ) when I saw a killer shark in the ocean . It was over two metres long and looked as if it weighed at least 70 kilograms . No wonder that I panicked and began crying like many other people who gathered on the beach . Only one man did not panic - it was Tom Jackson , a 26 - year old footballer from Miami ( the USA ) . As soon as he saw the shark in the water he didn 't hesitate . He made up his mind to kill the thing . I was astonished when I noticed that after he had run into the water he fought the shark with his bare hands . While he was fighting the monster , I called the emergency services on my cell phone . When Tom hit the shark on the head it lost its consciousness . Finally he killed it witch a heavy axe . All the people clapped and cheered as they felt safe again . Now I like talking about this adventure but three years ago I was so scared that I hated my Brazilian holidays . Adrian , class III " e " My adventureLast holiday I was in Egypt . I didn 't suppose that this is such a beautiful and original place . I saw a lot of pyramids and some of the sand buildings . This holiday was very pleasant and I could rest a lot . I stayed there for 2 weeks and when I got back home I looked like an African . It was fantastic feeling you know ? ; ) ) But every journey has got some defects . I got up early and went to the airport . I wanted to go back home . The journay was realy good but I missed my friends . When I was in Poland I had to stay at the airport and wait for my luggage . I was waiting there for 5 hours . I don 't know what happened . Everybody told me that I should be patient . They didn 't know how I was feeling . I had there everything : my clothes , money and other . They told me they could do nothimg . I went back to my house without my luggage and presents for my friends . Can you imagine that I had to wait for my luggage for one month ? This was terrible . Now I have got ' allergy ' to planes and airports . I suppose that my next holiday will be in a country where I can go by car . : ) ) Klaudia , class III " e " AN EMBARRASSING STORYI had such a crazy incident one day . I felt so embrassed . I was waiting for a bus at a bus stop . The snow was falling down and I got cold , because the weather was bad . But at last the bus was coming . I got on , with my friend . She went to buy a ticket . I didn 't have to do this because I 've got a monthly ticket . I said it , and I was going to seize a seat . But the driver stopped me and asked : ' Where are you going ? BUY A TICKET ! ' . He frightened me . I answered that I 've got a monthly ticket . But he wanted to see it ; / . So I put my handbag on a free seat and started searching . It was very difficult , because this day , I had a swimming lesson , so I started to pull out a wet towel , a hairbrush , cosmetics and books . When I found the ticket , I gave it to him . He just looked , said ' OK thats good ' and gave it back to me . I turned to hide all my things into the backpack . But I let go my ticket , and some woman bent down and wanted to pick up my ticket , and I wanted to do the same , and we hit ours heads . I said ' sorry ' and ran to the end of the bus . Magda P . , class III " e " Lost in the forestMy adventure began on the trip in the forest . It was very cheerful , we went round the entire forest and in the end a bonfire was supposed to be . We went with the guide somewhere into the centre of forest . He gave us maps and he ordered us to divide in groups . Next we were supposed to go back alone to the outlined place with the map where the guide was supposed to wait . He gave us fifteen minutes . Of full moon of the smile we set off . We walked according to the map but we didn 't notice that we were holding it in a wrong way . With five friends we circulated in circles . After half an hour every of us started panicking . We reached a conclusion that we had gotten lost . The friend wanted to ring a bell but there was no reach . We could hear strange sounds , some animal started to chase us and we started escaping . Fortunately , we met the forester who accompanied us to class tutors . Teachers breathed a sigh of relief . Very much they got scared by us . Since then I am too afraid to enter forest . Asia , class III " e " Last Saturday , my friend María was at the cinema with me . There was a terror film . She was very scared and couldn 't stop moving . There wasn 't many people in the cinema and there wasn 't any noise . Suddenly we heard a big noise . It was my friend , she fell off the chair . I laughed a lot and the people asked me to be quiet . One day we were in the bar where I usually go with my friends and Fran brought a bicycle to ride to the park . I wanted to go for a bike ride and my friend Ana too . Then Ana and I were riding along a very small street where there was dogshit in middle of the street . I was laughing a lot because Ana wouldn 't stop talking . In the end we fell off the bike and our friends saw us . We couldn 't stop laughing but we were also very red in the face . When I was 11 years old I fell down from a high wall . It was autumn and I was looking at some deers from my hut on the mountains . I was climbing a high wall to see them more clearly when suddenly I fell off the wall and I rolled over for 3 times ! I felt really bad ! Then my aunt started to call me and I reacted . I thoughtthat I had something broken but I didn 't say anything until the next day . I spent the worst night of my life ! The next day I went to hospital and thedoctor told me that I had broken my collarbone ! Luckily I am OK now . Irene 3B Just two days ago I went with my friends to a shopping mall . We went by train in very bad weather , it was raining hard towards the little train and it was windy . When we arrived at the mall we went to buy tickets to go to the cinema to see the movie Network ! . Then we went to buy clothes , and after that we ate an ice cream . Then we went to the movies because it was the time . Just after the film we went to catch the train . When we were waiting to but the tickets , we realised we had no money because we spent it all when we went to buy clothes ! Luckily my aunt was in the mall and took us home . From that day I always leave what the ticket costs in my bag ! Funny situationOne day I was running with my friends Ana , Ronal , Lucia and Silvia . It wass one year ago and we were running along a road near the river . Silvia is afraid of dogs and in the middle of the way there was a ferocious dog . We started running very fast . Near the final of the road , Ronal said : - A dog ! ! ! ! ! Quickly run ! ! ! Ana and I started to run but soon we stopped because we knew that was a joke from Ronal but Silvia started to scream with fear and run very fast ( I think that was the day that Silviaran faster than ever ) . Ronal , Ana , Lucia and I burst out laughing because Silvia was frightened . We told her that it was a joke and she didn 't speak to us for a week more less . For Silvia it was a frightening situation but for me and my friends it was very funny . María Xosé Moreno GonzálezCurso : 3B Last weekend I was in " Parque Principado " with my brother . We went to a restaurant to have something to eat . We ate some fish and champagne . The bill was 70 euros . The problem was that my brother forgot his money at home . He changed his trousers and forgot to take it . Luckily I realized that I had some money in my bag , there were 100 euros . We were rescued ! ! One day I went to eat out . When I finished eating , I decided to pay . But then I realized that I didn 't have any money . My friend had to pay the bill . I was very nervous and embarrassed because I invited my friend because it was my birthday . AN EMBARRASSING STORYLast Saturday my friend Alba was having a party in her house . My friend Marleny and I decided to meet at Alba 's house . I was wearing special clothes for the party . When I was dancing in the party , I noticed I had my period . Then I went to Alba 's room and I put on Alba 's clothes . DISASTROUS BIRTHDAY PARTYLast Sunday , my friend Michael invited me to his birthday party , it was at Michael 's home . The celebration was being very funny but I thought Michael was trying to steal my girlfriend . I got angry because Michael was my best friend . Why was Michael doing that to me ? I went to him , and without saying a word , I hit him and Michael was lying on the floor . He didn 't understand me . Michael asked me what happened . I was very angry so I went back home . Michael didn 't want to speak with me . I tried that he forgave me because I was felling a very bad friend . It was a fancy dress party and I confused my girlfriend with another girl . It was a disastrous weekend . A DISASTROUS DAYOne day I was playing a football match in Sevares , when my brother and my uncle came to see me . I was very happy so I wanted to play well , but the game became bad . The other players played football very well and we didn 't have luck . We lost the match and I was very sad . Last Saturday , my friends and I were eating out in a Japanese restaurant . We ate a lot of food and when the waiter came with the bill , I realized that I didn 't have any money because I forgot my wallet at home . I needed to escape from this restaurant , so I went to the bathroom and I jumped to the street from the window . Finally I ran to my house . A DISASTROUS STORYWhen I was a little girl I used to go with my friend to the country side to make chocolate . We made a fire on the ground , we put some stones and then we made a fire . We loved doing that and then we washed the pot and glasses in the river . One day we were washing every thing when the river took my pot oway . My mother got angry and we didn 't make chocolate any more since then . I want to tell you about the time that I went rollerblading . It was in Aviles and I did the best exhibition that I have ever done but on the last jump I fell on the floor and everybody laughed at me . It was an embarrassing situation . Last year my family and I were eating out in an Italian restaurant . The food was very , very interesting : pasta ! ! ! - Ha , ha , ha . . . When the bill arrived , we realized that it was very expensive : 100 euros . We paid for the dinner and then I went home with my family . My experience was this : One day I was cycling with Minuto by an old and dirty mountain road . We were cycling as usual , we were laughing and talking about cars and this man 's things . . . We were cycling up the mountain for two hours , but we didn 't control the time because we were very happy and entertained . We arrived at the upper part of the road and we had lunch there . When we began to go back home , the sun started to fall down and we didn 't see a lot . We went cyicling down the hill like a F1 , but in a very closed bend I found a savage pig ! ! ! I was very a frightened and I was alone too , because I was faster than Minuto . I climbed up a tree and I stayed there for 10 minutes . When Minuto arrived , he put the bicycle on the ditch and called me to help him to scare away the savage pig . We tried to scare it with some woods , but the pig looked at us in a very strange stare and we scaped on our bicycles , but the savage pig started to pursue us ! ! We cycled as fast as we could and we went back home safe , but with a lot of wounds . One sunny day in a small village of Infiesto , I was cycling with two friends . sunddenly one of them saw some beatiful flowers in a granary . My friend had one idea . He said look at me , and he went to the granary and took all the flowers . He cut all the flawers and trew them , all the flowers were crashed in the road but the owner of the flowers saw my friend and ran after him . But my friend ran faster . My friend forgot his bike in that house , and the owner didn 't give it nback to my friend . but my friend bought new flowers for the lady and she gave back his bike to my friend . danyel lozana canga 3c MY EXPERIENCE Three years ago I celebrated my birthday in my house on the mountainand my friends and we decided to go for a walk . While we were walking we saw a big sheep and we were scared and we ran a lot but the big sheep ran after us . I climbed up a wall but on the other side there were a lot of cows . > Then the sheep ran after Tamara , one of my friends , and then I climbed down the wall and ran for my parents and they called the owners and they came and took the cattle away . Out of this experience I learnt that if run away from animals they will run faster than me and when you look at one you musn 't run , it is beter to remain stilland wait for the animal to go awayThis is a real story and it is also very funny . A EMBARRASSING STORYIn 2008 my uncle gave me a horse . This horse wasn 't tamed and I didn 't know it . One day my father told me to ride it , his friends were talking with him . I got on the horse and had a ride to my granny 's house . When I came home again my father was still talking with his friends . I was getting closer to them when the horse felt afraid of something and I fell off the horse while my father 's friends were shouting . I had a very embarrassing moment because the friends of my father were laughing at me . Finally I was laughing with them . I won 't forget the experience . Posted by AN EMBARRASSING STORYLast Saturday I went to a friend 's house with my brother . We were watching TV and playing games , when my brother broke the PlayStation , and my friend got very angry ! ! ! ! Then my brother and I ran out of the house . The solution to this problem was that I bought a new PlayStation and gave it to my friend . Then he was laughing ! ! ! ! Last Saturday I went out with a friend . While we were eating I looked for my handbag but I couldn 't find it . Then the waiter asked for money to pay the bill but I did ' nt have any . So I said , " Sorry , I forgot my handbag in my house . Can I give you the money another day ? " . And the waiter told me , " No . If you can 't pay , then you can wash the dishes in the kitchen of the restaurant . DISASTROUS DAY IN " LOS PRADOS " I went to " Los prados " , a shopping centre , to see " Aliens VS Predator " , a fabulous film . I went to Los Prados with my friends Alba , Ale and Circe . First we bought clothes in a shop called " Pull & Bear " . After that we went to buy tickets for the film . We bought popcorn and coke for the film . While we were going to the toilet , Alejandra fell on the floor and we had to go to the train station to take her to the hospital . The project started in October 2007 . At first there were two participants : IES Infiesto , Asturias , Spain and Gimnazjum nr 16 im . F . Chopina , Lublin , Poland . In October 2008 two more partners joined us : The Phoenix Academy , Marion , North Carolina in the United States and Secondary Sport School in Drama , Greece . In December 2008 a new partner decided to work with us on the project : Agrupamento Vertical Fernando Casimiro Pereira da Silva , Rio Maior , Portugal . We are honoured to announce that the sixth school joined us on the 9th of December 2008 : Bogutcharskaia Sriedniaia Shkoła No . 2 from Bogutchar in Russia .

I left the Orange Belt , merged onto the Penn Lincoln Parkway , then exited onto I - 79 South to Bridgeville at 10 : 30 that evening . My flight from Denver to the Pittsburgh International Airport landed at 9 : 00 but I was still on Denver time so it was not all that late at night for me . The rush hour traffic was over so the interstate was not very busy and I made good time to my dad 's place just past Bridgeville in a little place called Cowden . He had lived there all his live and I grew up there . It was a great place for a kid and I loved it . I was coming home to visit my dad who was not doing so well according to Mary , his friend and next door neighbor . I had enlisted Mary 's help in watching out for Dad since she was right next door and had been good friends with my mother . She wanted me there to convince him to take himself into the hospital . He had cancer and was not expected to live more than another six months but he refused to go easily . Now he wouldn 't take the morphine his doctor prescribed for the pain and he refused to go into the hospital where they could monitor the progress of his cancer . Mary tried to be his nurse but he was a lousy patient for her or anyone else . I didn 't know what I could do but I was going to try . While I made the trip back to Pittsburgh several times a year , it was usually a quick visit with the Manager of Research for coatings , and with my boss , Ryan Erinson . I stopped in to see my dad and spent some time with him but I stayed in the city if I had to be there overnight . It was easier and more convenient for me . This trip was different and personal so I was staying with dad at his place . He had continued to keep my old room available for me . I left Pittsburgh over five years ago to take the job in Denver . At the time , I was in the process of divorcing my second wife Billy , after just four years of marriage . She and my best friend Mark Fletcher had been having a long term affair and during the period afterward , I realized that Billy was never going to be faithful . It was her second marriage as well and it was clear to me that she wanted more than I or any man could give . At least that was the conclusion I came to after giving her everything she asked for . It wasn 't enough . And since both of my marriages ended in disaster , I had pretty much given up on any permanent attachments with those of the opposite sex . For some background , my name is Arthur Davidson . I am 52 years old and currently Managing Director of True Wire Inc . and VP of Coatings for a fairly large company based in Pittsburgh , Pa . that makes and markets all types of wire . My division is based in Denver , Colorado and is the one that handles all of the coated wiring even though most of the research personnel are still in Pittsburgh . We do all types : insulated , stranded , twisted and solid conductors . The type of coating depends on the use of the wires . I had been in this position for about five years now and our division had grown by over 37 % with the introduction of several new and unique products . I had several patents and I was very secure in my job . As a matter of fact , I was due for a promotion that could mean moving back to the Pittsburgh area . I 've been married twice , the first time to a wonderful woman who gave me fifteen wonderful years and a beautiful daughter . We were deeply in love but she was killed by a drunk driver six years before . My daughter and I grieved and felt the pain intensely but we both finally moved on . Penny , our daughter , moved to Germany with her husband and she 's been there ever since . She loves it and has no desire to come back to the US . I visit with her to see my two grandkids but only about twice a year . I poured myself into my job and slowly reentered society where I began to meet new people . That 's when I met Billy , my second wife . She and I were both trying to find our way when we met . She had also been married once before and she was divorced . She never told me the reasons behind the divorce and I never pressed her for details . The only strange thing was that I never met her children . She told me she had two but neither lived with her and she had no contact with them . I respected her wishes and never tried to find out what happened , but I had my suspicions . She and I were married in a civil ceremony without fanfare . All of this had happened many years ago . I realized that it had been ten years ago that my life with Billy started . So long ago . As I drove the dark interstate south to my old home , I thought back to that time five years ago when I discovered Billy 's affair . Billy and I had been married a little more than 4 years . As I said , it was the second marriage for both of us . We both had children from our first marriages but they were fully grown and on their own . My daughter Penny was married but lived now in Germany . My dad , Edward , lived nearby and we saw him fairly often . He liked Billy and she seemed to like him . I couldn 't say the same for her parents , Violet and Ben Delong . What a pair . They thought no one was good enough for their daughter . I was a big mistake in their eyes . Billy didn 't work , preferring to stay home and spend her time with causes and crusades . She was currently working at a shelter for battered women and she seemed to be fully committed . This was her way with most things for a year or so . She would stay with it until she became bored . At the time , that was fine with me since I worked a lot of hours and it kept her occupied . It was just a typical day for me . It was just after 2 : 00 in the afternoon when Paula came into my office . Paula was my secretary , my second mother , and my sergeant at arms . She had a funny look on her face as she shut the door behind her . She obviously had some juicy tidbit of gossip to spread and unfortunately I was her intended receiver . " Mr . Erinson wants you to meet him after work at Bennington 's for dinner and drinks . Georgina told me that there will be two others there as well . She thinks they 're both board members . Something 's up and you 're the star player . I know it . " Mr . Erinson was Ryan Erinson , President of General Winding and my boss 's boss . Georgina was his secretary and Paula 's inside source . I digested this little bit of information without any enlightenment . I knew of nothing that was on the horizon and no one had told me of any major changes coming up . I was at a loss . " Well , I don 't have a clue but I know nothing is happening that should concern me . Maybe there 's some sort of problem with the coating division and he wants me to begin some sort of investigation . You know Ryan 's always worried about something . " " We 'll both wait . Would you please call Billy and let her know that I 'll be late ? I should be home about 11 : 00 . We have no plans so it should be fine . " I promised her and shooed her out of my office . I had no idea what was going on and nothing had come my way to offer any clues . Well , I would just wait . It would be explained to me at the meeting , of that I was sure . I decided to finish the project report I was working on before closing down for the day . I considered calling Hugh Wilson , my direct boss first but it was getting toward time for me to leave for dinner . Bennington 's was halfway across town and it would take me about 40 minutes to get there . I wish Ryan had picked someplace closer . I closed down the computer , locked my files and went into the washroom to freshen up for the meeting . Paula had gone by the time I was ready to leave . She left a note saying she left a message for Billy since she didn 't answer . That was fine . She would probably be home by the time I was due anyway and would get the message . I left for Bennington 's . I was shown into a private room at the restaurant to find Ryan there with two board members that I knew quite well . John Armitage and Harry Rollings were two of the original members and I liked both of them . We shook hands and we all sat down to dinner . Ryan had gone all out and it was quite good . Talk was loose and informal and Ryan indicated that we would not talk business until later . I understood and enjoyed . " Stu , I need to tell you something that is confidential for now . I 'm sure you know of a company called True Wire , Inc . You 've dealt with them from time to time and I think you know the owner . Do you remember him ? " " Right . Well , here 's the deal . We made an offer to buy True Wire and Pete 's accepted . We 've done all of the due diligence and our accountants have audited the books . The price is fair and we have agreed in principle . I want you to go out there and take our letter of intent and have Pete sign the deal . He 's waiting for you and everything is set . " " Well sure , I 'll be happy to go . It will be good to see Pete again and it will give me some time to visit and take stock . I assume that 's the idea ? " " Yes and no . You won 't be taking stock . You 'll be looking at your new company . We are promoting you to Managing Director of True Wire and VP of Coatings . You are now a senior VP for General Windings . Congratulations Stuart ! " " Well , I 'm totally shocked . But does Hugh know about this ? Has be been told ? I wouldn 't like to start a new job with him as an enemy . " " Hugh recommended you once we told him of the acquisition . Actually , he is thinking of retiring and I probably won 't replace him now that you 're in this new position . You were in line for his job before but this one is even higher . " With that announcement , Ryan , John and Harry all got up to congratulate me and pat me on the back . It was one hell of a promotion and it would mean a whole new life for Billy and me . We would be moving to Denver and we could afford to go first class . Billy would be thrilled and I was looking forward to telling her the good news . " One thing to deal with yet and that is your replacement . I 'm assuming you would recommend Mark Fletcher to replace you ? You have had nothing but good things to say about him . If you still feel that way , he 'll take over when Hugh retires . " " Mark is a great choice . He can do the job and can get up to speed in short order . He 'll do a super job . Can I tell him everything ? " " Yes . We have cleared it with Hugh so you can , but let him know not to mention it . Not for another two weeks . The deal will be final then and we can make the announcement . " We had a couple of drinks and Ryan told me that reservations for a flight out tonight were already made . It was just past 7 : 30 so I had about three hours to get home , get packed and to the airport for the flight . I decided to leave right away to give me time to tell Billy . I said my thanks and good byes and headed home . As I drove home , I thought about the changes that this would make in our lives . I knew that Billy would be happy . She hated Pittsburgh and wanted to move somewhere else with better weather and more of a social climate suited to her tastes . She was alright with her social clubs and friends but she wasn 't all that happy with some of their more liberal swings . We had discussed it to the point of thinking about a job change . This would accomplish all of that and more . I was thinking of a way to announce the new job and the new location with some sort of a flourish . I didn 't call her since I had made up my mind that I was just going to blurt it out as soon as I came in the door . I called Paula on my cell and left her a voice mail telling her that I would be out of town tomorrow and would call in and let her know where I was . I told her to make sure Mark had the proposal for the new coating lines on Ryan 's desk first thing in the morning . I finally told her that she was right when she told me that things were happening and that she could talk to Georgina . She could fill in some of the blanks until I could talk more to her . I hung up and I turned into my driveway . I saw Mark 's car there but that was not unusual . We were best friends as well as boss and co - worker . I burst into the kitchen from the garage and was surprised to find the house apparently empty . I moved quickly through the downstairs rooms without finding either Billy or Mark . I thought maybe they had gone out with Patty and Fred from down the street . Well , I was disappointed not to be able to share it with her now but I could call her from the airport . Without any more thought , I bounded up the stairs two at a time to our bedroom . I slid into the room in time to see Mark pumping away on a willing and vocal Billy . The doorway was to the side of the bed so my view was perfect . I could see Billy lying on her back with her arms around mark 's neck . Mark was between her legs and he was supporting himself on his arms as he fucked her . Mark 's hairy ass was pumping up and down and I could see Billy 's legs wrapped tightly around his waist pulling him in as tight as she could . It was good timing as I heard Mark yell . All I could do at that point was to turn around and slam the door shut behind me . I had seen all I wanted to see . I turned around and walked back downstairs to the living room . I sank down in one of the chairs and waited . I was stunned and my mind simply refused to function very well . My wife and my best friend in bed together . I couldn 't seem to make sense of it . As I struggled with the sight I had just witnessed , my anger began to burn hot and bright in my chest . I let it grow since the heat of it was better than the cold of betrayal . That 's where I was sitting when Mark came down the stairs . He saw me and came into the room . He stopped in front of me . " God Stu , I 'm so sorry you saw that . I have no excuse for it except to say that I have always loved Billy as you know . We never expected you to come home so early and things just got out of control . We never wanted to hurt you . You have to know that . It will never happen again . You have my word . " The words seemed to just wash over me without registering . It made no difference what he said . I knew what had happened and that was all I could deal with . But the heat from my anger was burning to be let out and I gave vent to it in words . I gritted my teeth and held on to my temper as I looked into the face of the man I now hated . " I want you to leave my house now . I never want to see you again outside the office . I have to deal with you there as you will soon understand , but I never want to see or talk to you outside again . We are no longer friends ; we don 't know each other socially . I have no wish to hear your story or your apologies . Do you understand ? " " Please Stu . Let 's talk about this . You don 't mean what you 're saying . You can 't mean that . We 've been friends for ten years . You can 't mean we 're over . Come on ! " " I won 't ask you again to leave my house . I repeat : I don 't want to see you again outside work . I don 't ever want you to come to my house and if I ever see you near my wife again , I 'll kill you . Please don 't test me . Now , get the fuck out of my house ! " With that , I rose and moved toward him . I am a very big man : 215 , 6 ' 2 , and I pride myself on my appearance . I work out three times a week and I can press my weight without breaking a sweat . Mark on the other hand is shorter than I , weights about 30 pounds less and never had the ambition to improve himself physically . He concentrates on his slick appeal to women . He is a good looking jerk . Mark took the hint and almost ran to the front door . He tried to say some more but I pushed him out the door and than shut and locked it behind him . I turned my back to the door and leaned against it trying to get control of my anger . I had done fine till now , but I looked up and saw Billy standing on the stairs watching me . She had put on a robe to cover her nakedness . As I saw her standing there , my anger began to burn even hotter . I felt the heat in my face and chest and I was suddenly afraid of what I could do . I shuddered and shook my head to try to clear the fury . After a couple of deep breaths and some very serious talking to myself , I began to feel some control returning . I walked away from the door and went into the kitchen . I took a beer from the refrigerator and sat down at the table . I was concentrating on my breathing when she walked in . I didn 't look up and I didn 't acknowledge her in any way . I couldn 't without losing my control . I took several deep breaths and a swig of beer . It seemed to help . " No . I have to pack a bag . I 'm leaving tonight for Denver . I have to catch a plane and I don 't have much time . Maybe we can talk when I get back . " " Why are you going to Denver now ? We can 't just let this go . You have to listen to me and we have to talk this out . You can 't let it go . " " Yes , I can and I will . What you did is pretty clear . I saw it with my own eyes . Why you did it is not so clear . And why you did it with Mark is totally unclear . But none of that is important right now . I have to get ready . " " For your information , I told Mark that he is never to set foot in this house again . That 's my decision and you have nothing to say about it . I told him , and now I 'll tell you . If I ever see him here again , I 'll kill him . Do you understand ? " Without waiting for her answer , I got up and walked upstairs to our bedroom to pack . I needed enough for three or four days and that was easy . I had done this a million times and I did it now by instinct . As I was closing the overnight , Billy walked into the bedroom and sat down on the bed watching me . I ignored her , picked up the overnight and my suit carrier and walked out of the room without a word . I carried them downstairs and out to the car . When I came back into the kitchen , Billy was not there . I felt a sense of relief as I filled my travel mug with coffee . I looked around the kitchen , maybe for the last time and went out to the car , shutting and locking the door behind me . I drove away toward the airport without looking back . I caught my flight on America West and arrived in Denver on time . I saw the waiting shuttle driver with a sign with my name and he took me to the hotel Paula reserved for me . I was not looking forward to a free night and wished that we could get right to it , but this late I didn 't expect anything to happen . I checked in , went up to the room and lay down . I slept poorly that night . The next morning after a mostly sleepless night , I went down to meet Pete for breakfast . He was the same cheerful guy I had met and worked with for the last few years . I liked him the first time I met him and we had become good friends . Mostly long distance but friends nevertheless . We talked over coffee and eggs and finally left to go to the plant . We met with several of the executives and we took care of business in just under three hours . That left a lot of time for me to just wander around with Pete , looking over the operations and reacquainting myself with his , or I should say my operations . We had an enjoyable afternoon and finished up early . Pete asked me if I was in a hurry to get back and I told him no , but without any explanation . He invited me to have dinner with him and his wife and I accepted . I spent a very pleasant evening with them and didn 't leave until very late . Pete took me back to the hotel after telling me that it was his recommendation that got me the job . He told me he had known Ryan for years and that Ryan asked for his recommendation . He wasn 't aware of the VP offer though but was thrilled for me just the same . I was very grateful and told him so . We parted as usual , friends and professionals . I went up to my room to find the phone message light blinking . I wondered who it could be since no one knew where I was except for Ryan and Paula . I got the message and it was Paula . There were several items on her list . " Stu , it 's Paula . A few things . First , Mark is up to speed on the proposals and he can make the presentation tomorrow . Second , he wanted to talk to you but I told him that I didn 't have your number . Actually , I did . I got it from Georgina but since you hadn 't called me , I wasn 't sure you wanted him to have it . And finally , Billy called at least 5 times today wanting to talk to you . Now Stu , what 's going on ? Do I give her your number or not ? And what about Mark ? Call me , first thing tomorrow . " That was Paula . She was always looking out for me , even with my wife and my second in command . If I didn 't give them the number , she wouldn 't either , regardless of what they said . She was something and I was going to make sure she remained with me if she would relocate . I knew she was widowed so maybe . I somehow felt better after her message and I thought maybe I could sleep tonight . At least , I could try . " Stu , what 's going on ? Billy has called twice already and she is really beside herself . She 's angry at me for not giving her your number and she was crying during the last two call . I don 't like being in the middle of something I don 't know about . " " I 'm sorry Paula . It 's personal and I didn 't mean to get you involved . I 'll talk to you when I get back but for now , no one gets this number . OK ? That 's an order so you can tell them it isn 't your fault . " " I don 't give a hoot about that , I just wanted to be sure you were OK . And by the way , congratulations on your promotion and your new assignment . Way to go ! " " Maybe I would . We 'll talk when you get back . By the way , do you want to talk to Mark ? He asked me to let him know when you called . " " No , I don 't want to talk with him and don 't give him this number either . He 'll understand if you tell him I said that . Only Ryan . I 'll be back in the office Monday . I need a few days away without anything to worry about . Can you handle the office for the next two days ? " I agreed and hung up . I had decided on the spur of the moment to take the rest of the week off . I wanted to spend the time looking around Denver and this was as good a time as any . Ryan wouldn 't care and I didn 't want to face Billy or Mark right now . Let them enjoy each other while I was gone . They deserved each other . I spent the next several days just looking around . I found a really neat little apartment downtown and close to the plant with a nice view of the mountains . I put a retainer on it and made arrangements to move in at the end of the month , just a couple of weeks from now . It was just right for one . I also found a couple of nice restaurants and one particularly nice bar . I was very relaxed by Saturday evening . I thought it was time for a phone call . At about 7 : 30 , I called home , or what used to be my home . I didn 't think it was going to be that much longer . Billy must have been waiting since she answered on the first ring . " Stuart , where are you ? Why did you leave like that and why haven 't you called to let me know where you were ? It 's been days and I 've been going crazy ! " " Didn 't seem to bother you Tuesday evening . I wasn 't home then either but you weren 't expecting me were you ? I guess that was the problem . I didn 't keep to the schedule so it was my fault that you got caught . " " Stuart , please . It 's not what you think . I was angry and Mark was there and it just happened . It was nothing . Honest ! Please come home and let me talk to you and explain what happened . Mark doesn 't mean anything to me . Please Stuart , come home . " " Billy , if you think that this is the way to get me to come home , you are sadly mistaken . You and Mark made me into a fool , but he at least had the courage to tell me the truth . You seem to want to continue to lie to me and treat me with a total lack of respect . Well , I won 't accept that so I guess we have nothing left to talk about . When I come home , I 'll arrange to have my things moved out of the house so you can stay there and do whatever you want to do . I don 't care anymore . " " Stuart , no ! You can 't mean that . I 'm not lying to you . I don 't know what Mark told you but it 's not true . It 's not . Come home : let me prove it to you . I love you Stuart , not Mark . Never Mark ! Just you ! " I hung up feeling satisfied with my performance . I had kept my cool , I hadn 't yelled or lost my temper and I had hung up without giving her any more chances to lie to me . It hurt to know that she was going to continue to lie rather than be honest and try to find a way to work it out . Maybe she didn 't want to work it out . I took a nice long shower , climbed into bed and was asleep before my head hit the pillow . I needed the sleep . The trip home was uneventful and I got my car with only a minimum of delay . I drove home with mixed feelings . On one hand , I wanted a confrontation with Billy , if only to allow my anger to find an outlet . On the other hand , I wanted to play the cool customer and let her wring her hands and cry bitter tears begging me to take her back . I was all mixed up and the time away hadn 't given me any answers . I needed to face reality in order to move forward . I pulled into the garage next to Billy 's little two - seater . The sight of it brought a surge of anger . It was something she just had to have and she hardly ever drove it now . I guess she had no reason to go out if she was fucking my best friend here at home . I got out , grabbed my luggage and went in . She was waiting for me , sitting in the kitchen so she was the first thing I was . She had on a soft pastel blouse that fit her like a second skin and a skirt that was probably way too short . It was an outfit that I used to like her to wear when we were alone and in the mood . I wasn 't in the mood now and I thought it a very poor choice . I just looked at her and turned away to put my overnight in the laundry room . I laid the suit carrier over the chair . She broke down in tears and ran out of the kitchen into the family room . For a minute I was ashamed of myself but then my memory of her and Mark kicked in . Rather than follow her into the other room , I walked over to see if there was any coffee . There was a fresh pot so I poured myself a cup and sat down to enjoy it . I added sugar and cream and sat back in comfort . Billy did know how to make good coffee . While I waited , I glanced over at the phone on the kitchen wall . The call log light was blinking . It had a feature called ' call directory ' that recorded the number of any incoming call that was answered . Fortunately , Billy never learned how to work it so it was full now . I pushed the c / d button and saw the last number calling was Mark 's cell phone number . I scanned down to see what other numbers were recorded and found that she had answered at least seven calls from Mark , three from his office and four from his cell . I guess they were trying to get their stories straight . " I don 't want to hear your excuses . What I saw was very clear . You and Mark were in our bedroom , both of you in the middle of a great fuck , yelling so loud with your passion that you didn 't even hear your own husband coming up the stairs . I believe you were both just about in the middle of a climax . If you hadn 't been fucking him , you might have heard the car pulling in and me yelling . Now , tell me where I 'm wrong . " " We just made a mistake and it was the first time for us . You have to believe that . I love you and only you . Mark is a friend but I don 't care about him that way . I 'm sorry it got out of hand but it doesn 't mean anything . It will never happen again . Please Stu . You know I love you . " " I don 't believe you . I don 't believe this was the first time . I don 't believe that you haven 't fucked him before and if I hadn 't come home , you probably would have continued for several more hours until I was scheduled to come home . I don 't believe you love me or you wouldn 't have been able to do this to me . You have torn my heart out and tossed it away like garbage . I don 't trust you anymore and I don 't know if I can ever trust you again . " " Stu , please . I haven 't talked to Mark since you left . He means nothing to me , you know that . He 's your friend and I never really cared for him . You know that to be true . " " I know that you and Mark have talked several times since I 've been gone . Was that to get your story straight or were you making arrangements to get together again ? If what you say is true , how can you fuck someone you don 't even care for ? What the hell kind of woman are you ? " Billy was now crying and shaking her head back and fourth . She was trying to deny the things I was saying but there was little she could say . The trust was gone , the love may still be there but it was struggling to survive the betrayal and the pain . The dark anger that I had the night I found them together was fading , replaced by a hollow , empty feeling . I was trying to find another emotion to keep me going but I couldn 't . Pain and emptiness were my constant companions now . " I 'm going to put my things in the spare room . I 'll sleep there for the time being until I decide what I want to do . I 'll leave the master bedroom to you , cause I sure as hell will never sleep in that bed again . I 'll get my stuff and leave you to it . Maybe your memories of your lover will keep you warm at night . " " I 'm not punishing you . I came home with the intent of letting you tell me the truth and then try to decide if we could work this out . Instead of being honest , you tried to seduce me when I walked in the door and then you lied to me at least twice since we started to talk . You 're the one doing the punishing . You really socked it to me . I 'll give you credit . I don 't know of any way you could have hurt me more than you did . Congratulations ! " I heard the sobs as I walked down the hall to the spare room . I shut the door on the crying , lying bitch and sat down on my bed . Tomorrow was a very important day for me . I had to begin to put things in order and I had to face Mark . I was not changing my recommendation of him as my replacement . Since I was going to be running the division , I needed people who knew their jobs . Mark was one who did . He and I would interact professionally but no other way . We were through as friends . Someday the chance to pay him back for his betrayal would come and I was a patient man . I waited until I heard the door to our bedroom shut and then I walked down to the spare bathroom and washed up . I put my toiletries on the sink and went back to the bedroom . I shut and locked the door . I needed time to think . I didn 't want to be distracted by Billy or by anything else . I knew what I was going to do . I left the house quietly at about 5 : 30 that afternoon to go out to get a bite to eat . While I waited , I called my dad at home . I asked him if he could meet me for dinner and he agreed . I wanted to talk to him to get some sort of perspective . I wasn 't thinking clearly so I needed help . Dad was always straight with me and wouldn 't sugarcoat anything . That 's what I needed now . Dad and I had a good meal and we talked . He was great and took everything I said seriously and never once tried to patronize me . We talked for about an hour and then went back to his place and we spent the rest of the evening talking and drinking beer and just being comfortable with each other . I hadn 't spent enough time with him since mom died . I regretted that but vowed to make amends . It was clear to me that dad preferred that I try to make things work with Billy . He was very fond of her and was quick to forgive her transgressions . I argued with him but he was adamant . He blamed me in part for working too hard and giving her too much and spoiling her . He likened her to a spoiled child who was really a good person . I listened but couldn 't quite accept his opinions . I told him about Denver and he was excited for me . I suggested that he consider moving but he told me he had friends here and didn 't want to leave them . We both promised to get together more often and we both pretended to believe it . He wasn 't sure about the apartment though and told me so . He said it was like closing the door and having no intention of opening it again . I told him it was something that could change if need be . But in the back of my mind , I doubted it . I went home just after 11 : 30 to a quiet house . I didn 't know if Billy had stayed in her room or if she had finally gone to bed . I went up to my room and closed and locked the door . I lay down on the bed and passed out from exhaustion and depression . I slept the night . Monday morning I was up and dressed and ready for work by 7 : 15 . When I went downstairs I found coffee and toast waiting and Billy dressed and sitting at the table . I picked up the coffee and got a quick fix of caffeine but didn 't touch the toast . I said nothing to Billy and she seemed inclined to let it go . I grabbed my briefcase from the hall and left without a word . At work , I called Paula in and told her to close and lock the door . She sat down waiting for an explanation . Even thought she already knew about it , I told her first about the promotion and suffered through her congratulations and ' I told you so 's ' . I then told her that I would be heading up the division from Denver and asked her again if she had considered moving . She shrugged her shoulders but gave me no answer yet . I finally told her about Billy and Mark . She was angry at first , especially at Billy , but then she calmed down and wanted to know how I was going to deal with Mark . I told her that nothing was going to change except that we were no longer friends and he no longer had unrestricted access to me . He would go through her like everyone else . She would decide whether what he had to say was important or not . When I asked her if that was OK , she just smiled and said to let her handle it . We talked some more , making arrangements and I did tell her that this was not common knowledge and to keep it to herself . Mark didn 't know about the change yet but I would deal with him myself . I also told her I would accept no calls from Billy during working hours . Other than that , it was business as usual for the next two weeks . I dictated a couple of memos to her that had to go out and we were finished . She left the office and shut the door . I worked intently and solidly for the next 3 or 4 hours and fielded a couple of phone calls from Pete Higson and Ryan . Pete and I worked out some arrangements and things seemed to be going perfectly . Ryan called once to congratulate me on the closure and see how things were going . I assured him and went back to work . I asked Paula to have some lunch sent in from the cafeteria and worked straight through . It was just after 1 : 30 when Paula buzzed to tell me Mark was here and that I should probably talk to him . I told her to send him in but to leave the door open . She chuckled and showed him in . " No , I don 't want to talk to you about anything that is not business . I do want to go over some things with you since you are here . I want to let you know that you will be taking over most of the day to day affairs of the office beginning this week . You will be taking over for me immediately and then Hugh 's position soon and will have full authority to make decisions about projects and priorities . You will continue to report to me just as you do now , but I will not be here in Pittsburgh much longer . None of this is for public knowledge . Do you understand ? " Mark was looking at me like I had lost my mind . He had no idea of what I was doing or how to respond . He was shaking his head back and forth as if in denial . " Is there someone else who could do my job as well as you ? Don 't you think you can handle it ? If not , say so . Otherwise just pay attention and do your job . Can you do that , al least ? " " Thank you . I 'm transferring to Denver . The company has made an acquisition there and I will be heading that operation as well as the Research function here . Hugh is going to retire very soon leaving his position and mine open . Ryan is choosing to combine them into one , reporting to me . That will be you . We have just two weeks to make the move . Is that clear ? " Mark nodded , accepting the news but not yet comfortable with it . But he was a professional , so with that , we went over the current projects , the department priorities and some of the more important personnel issues . We spent at least the next two hours going over those things , not much different from our normal routine but this time there were several differences and Mark understood . When we were done , I told Mark to begin as acting department head immediately . I would not be making any formal announcement until later . Any problems with personnel , he was to have them see me . He rose to leave and then stopped . " Stu , when can we talk ? I am so damned sorry for what I did to you and I want a chance to explain it to you . Could we have a drink after work ? " " I told you I never wanted to see you outside of work ever again . Nothing has changed . If you have anything to say , say it now . Otherwise get out of my office . "

Crumble 's Adventures , we are pleased to say passed all our criteria with flying colours . The story which evolves around Crumble , is a charming tale of a small dog who at the start of the book is homeless and alone . Wandering the streets and living off scraps , it is very clear how her existence is one of loneliness and sadness . I think every child has a point in their life where they experience this , especially at that early age where they enter a new school and have to leave their parents at the door , so the start of book struck a deep chord with all children . It can be frightening to enter the start of the real world , and here Crumble reflected all those tiny feelings that many children face . As the story moves forward , Crumble stumbles by accident on another dog named Alex , and at this point Crumble 's fortunes take a turn for the better . Alex takes the homeless Crumble home , where she is welcomed in and given a good meal , and this is the starting point of a strong friendship , and a sense of belonging . From here on in the books takes up a positive stance as the two dogs develop their friendship and go on many adventures . From our point of view , this shows the importance of family and strong friendship , something that is a very valuable asset to all children in the early stages of their development . What follows is an engaging tale of the dogs , with very positive messages and a few tense moments that do indeed captivate the imaginations of children . The story is adult enough for parents to comprehend the story and its meaning , yet written is such a delightfully easy to understand way that all children can relate every quickly and easily to the two dogs , and the friendship that strengthens between them . Our main test was our daughter and her understanding of this story , and it passed with flying colours as she really loved the story and became very excited as she followed it through the publishing process . The story is enhanced by the simply wonderful artwork that is woven throughout the book . The hand sketched illustrations provided by Maureen , contain such wonderful detail that the pictures themselves jump from the page , and it brings a real sense of identity to the characters for the children to relate to and follow . The book has been formatted in a way that moves away from the large pictured and low print types of books that children start reading with , and carries a similar format to that of a novel for older children , but with larger print and slightly wider spacing . This we felt was an ideal way to bridge the gap between books for younger children , and serves as a way into gaining an insight into the formatting of books for older children . Spliced together with the illustrations , it forms a package that gives of a sense of a step up into a more older approach to reading , and we feel is an ideal way to help children adjust to what will come as they progress into older and more print driven books at a later stage . In conclusion , Crumble 's Adventures by Mike Beale , is a simple to follow , well written story that serves as a very positive reading experience for children aged six and above . The story which is fun and exciting , is ideal for either reading to children by an adult , or as a good start for young readers who want to progress into a more print driven type of story . It is beautifully illustrated , with easy to read formatting and larger print , and we feel is an ideal first serious book for young readers . This year we decided to move our focus away from adults , and take a look at what is going on at grass roots level . Having published a children 's book last year , we thought it would be a change to look at children , and what effects them in the literary world . World Book Day we feel is a huge date in the school calendar , children dress up as their favourite character and all round school there are book related events . It made sense for us to look at the school and get a good idea of what exactly is being done to encourage the writers of the future , and the vehicle we used was a competition . We joined forces with one of our local schools , Leigh Primary School in Tameside , Greater Manchester and supplied them with a copy of Crumble 's Adventures written by debut author Mike Beale . The competition was based on drawing a picture , after all Mike 's book is beautifully illustrated by Maureen Fayle an Artist based in Devon , and we also asked for a short story that would create an adventure for a dog like Crumble . quite strict guidelines as to what we would and would not publish . We look for originality , creativity , a well thought out intelligent story , and also especially with a children 's book we look for a strong and positive message that helps teach values and understanding of the world around the reader . It was decided that we would expect something similar of the winner , even though this was at the primary level . ( although we are not completely ruthless , we were ready to be open to everything given us ) One day there lived a brown dog called Crumble . Crumble didn 't have an owner . Every day Crumble would walk up and down the street to see if anybody would like to adopt him . One night Crumble went to the police station he barked loud at the door and soon a big policeman opened the door . The big , giant policeman said , " have you got no owner ? " Crumble barked , " Well it doesn 't look like it " he said . " Come on in . " The policeman put Crumble in a cage but forgot to lock the door and Crumble thought to himself , " I don 't want to be in this cage . " Crumble quickly hopped out and ran as fast as he could . When he stopped he was at a farm , " that 's strange I 've never been to a place like this before . " Crumble walked a bit closer and he saw four horses galloping around a field . Then Crumble walked towards the farm and into the big wooden barn . In the barn were three big , woolly sheep , a horse saw him and told the other horses about Crumble . They all came over and one horse said , " what are you doing here ? " " Well we would have to ask the boss . " Said the horses . " okay " replied Crumble . And the horses galloped off to see if the boss would want him . The boss came out and took Crumble in . The boss already had a sheep dog but that sheep dog was really old , he was 72 years old . The boss said , " you can be my new sheep dog if you like . " Crumble was very happy and jumped onto the bosses lap . This is what Crumble had always dreamed of , to have his own family . Crumble the dog lived with a nice family , but he wished he could visit lots of exciting places . One day he decided he would go travelling and jumped on a bus stopped outside his house . The bus took him to the jungle . Crumble was sad and walked away . Suddenly he saw a tall tree walking by ! Crumble was scared and looked again . It wasn 't a tree , it was a giraffe with a long neck . The giraffe said " You don 't belong in the jungle . Get out ! " Crumble barked very loudly and bit the hunter on bottom . The hunter got scared and ran away . The elephant , monkey and giraffe all saw how brave Crumble was . " You can come here any time . Thank you for helping us . " They said . We were so impressed with the intelligence , creativity , and imagination that we decided to give every child an award of a certificate and a free mechanical pencil , which we hope will help them to write more stories . From the point of VCP , we feel this shows how important reading is to children , as it allows them to explore their own surroundings , and beyond . Ameera Year 3 There was once a dog called Crumble , he was an adventurer dog . He had a giant liquorish tale , he dreamed of going in to an alien ship . His life depended on it . One night he couldn 't sleep . It was the witching hour apparently , everyone said , " if you ever wake in the witching hour you will turn into an alien . " Crumble wanted to see an alien , but he couldn 't get to sleep because he really wanted to see a real life alien . So Crumble got up and looked out of the window , an alien saw him and took Crumble away … He ran … in the blink of an eye he had hairy hairs covering his body . He reached a plate that had labels saying ' gorges marvellous medicine ' " His name is probably Gorge . " She said . Soon they were both asking questions like , ' what 's your name ? ' and ' do they eat you ? ' and ' what 's your job ? ' The alien looked at Crumble and said , " out there every single night there are wolfs that eat any boy and girl they see for lunch . My job is to make potions for them . " One night the alien took Crumble out to collect some ingredients , and showed him things a dog had never seen before . The alien showed Crumble how to make potions , and they watched the stars that were like fireworks firing off in the dark sky . Crumble ate this strange food that tasted like an old disgusting sock . After a while the alien decided to put Crumble back where he came from , his home . Crumble still couldn 't sleep for so long , he wanted to be with his friend Gorgie , and Gorgie felt the same , but the bone catcher said , " dogs are the only tasty thing to eat , and British dogs are the best of all . " Crumble didn 't want to get eaten . One day Crumble and his owner Julie went to the airport to go on holiday . Crumble wondered off and got on the wrong plane . The plane took off to the sky , and Crumble went looking for Julie but couldn 't find her . Crumble was walking hopelessly looking for Julie when he spotted a pretty dog . He followed the pretty dog onto the bus . The bus driver was cross and shouted , " NO DOGS ALLOWED ! " So Crumble and the pretty dog got off . The pretty dog said to Crumble , " are you following me ? " Crumble replied , " I 'm lost . " The pretty dog said , " I am Daisy , what 's your name ? " There was once upon a time a dog called Crumble , who went for a walk , and found a big , fluffy , furry cat . He seemed it was time for him to have a good clean walk so he decided to chase it , and it lead him to a rocket . As the door opened Crumble hopped onto the rocket and suddenly fell onto a button that had them zooming into the sky . Crumble set off into space and landed on the moon . First of all he met an alien called Zorg . Crumble seemed that the alien was nice so he introduced himself by saying , " woof woof . " Which meant , " Hello my name is Crumble . " Then the dog , Crumble , asked the alien . " How do I get home ? " The alien understood what he said and showed Crumble the way home . Soon as Crumble stepped out of the rocket he felt upset because he was going to miss the rocket and Zorg . As he waved bye - bye a tear fell from his cheek , but he couldn 't wait to go inside and relax . As Crumble was going to step foot in his house he saw the cat again , he didn 't chase it because it might lead him somewhere else and he needs some rest . Crumble wondered how the rocket got there in the first place , but thought he should figure it out next time Mrs . Round had taken Crumble and Alex to Scotland for Christmas . It was a very long journey on the train , but they had been given lots of treats for being very good . They were staying with Mrs . Round 's friend Malcolm McDuff , he ran a farm in the Highlands . They dashed out of the door and ran across the yard , flicking fresh snow into the air as they made their way to the big , red barn , they both shouted " hello " as they walked into the barn . " This is Angus the long haired highland cow . Angus this is Crumble . " Alex Said . " hello Crumble " Angus said as he walked outside . " this snow is pretty deep would you like a lift ? " Alex and Crumble replied together , " yes please . " Angus crouched a little and said , " hop on my back . " So Alex and Crumble jumped up . Angus took them far away to the forest , and when they got to the middle of the forest they were lost . Mrs . Round came out to call the dogs in for dinner , she was very shocked when she couldn 't see them . Alex and Crumble were scared , " we don 't know how to get back to the farm . " They said . Angus told them not to worry , " luckily I have these four hooves and they leave deep tracks . " He told them . So they followed Angus 's footprints all the way home . When they got home it was already tea time , and they had to eat there dinner and tea together . " Wow , " said Angus , " that lot will fill you up . " " yes it will . " Said Crumble and Alex together . Soon it was bed time for the tired dogs . They were read a bedtime story and they fell fast asleep . One day Crumble who was a dog , he walked he didn 't have a family and was alone and he walked everywhere . He was very sad another dog came he was happy he went on some adventures like hunting and treasure hunting . Then they went treasure hunting an they gone went the wrong way . They meted the wolf they hated but asked witch way should they go and they found it from wolfs directions . Then they knows that they went the rite way and they saw some treasure then they was in tunnels . They went this rite way and they walked home . One day , Crumbles was out for a walk . While Crumbles was walking , he saw a biscuit shaped as a bone but it wasn 't an ordinary biscuit it was a magical bone , but Crumbles didn 't know he just ate it all up but then he felt weird and he turned into Crumble Dog . It was the 31st of April 1972 . On the strike of 12 O clock his super sense was tingling and he said " Hulk 's in trouble " So he went " It seems he is on Mars , not the sweet Mars the planet . " OH NO HE ' S FIGHTING King Zig Zig " So I threw crumbs at him so he couldn 't see and he could take him to safety so he could fight him since King Zig Zig hates crumbs . He threw some at him and he went away for good . One day , Crumble and his brothers were sleeping . It was morning and Crumble woke up early . After a while Crumble 's brother came out . " Let 's play catch " Explained Crumble Okay . Then Crumble threw the ball too high , so Crumble went and got it . But Crumble didn 't know where he was going . Soon Crumble went further and further in the forest . After a while Crumble got lost and really got scared . Then he got used to it , also he saw some wild animals and started liking them . 1 hour later Crumbles brothers got worried about Crumble . Later Crumble went deeper in the forest . When went , he found 3 dogs . Since Crumble was alone he decided to hang out with the three dogs . Later that day Crumble got lost because he smelt his brother . Just then Crumble found his two brothers he felt safer with his family . Crumbles mum was so happy to have Crumble back . Later on they decided to watch a film called Black Beauty , then they set up a surprise for Crumble . It was Crumbles birthday today . Then they laid out the table for Crumbles birthday . Happy Birthday to you ! Crumble was so excited . Then it was 10 : 30 pm , so Crumble and the brothers and mum went upstairs to bed . Good night said the dogs , good night said Mum . Then everyone was fast asleep ZZZZ ! One spooky night , Crumble was in Spooky Hollow it was so dark that he could barely see a thing . The wasn 't happy so tried to find his way out . The problem was that Spooky Hollow was a MAZE ! His only way was to jump out of the maze with his extremely jump ! He jumped over the wall but he was where he was before , so he jumped so far that he almost landed on the tree , but he was safe . Then he came in hot Africa , then he went to the rocket station and almost went up in space . Then he landed in Happy Hollow . Once upon a time there was a dog called Crumble . He had a boring life . One day Crumble had an idea , he wanted to go to the moon . So he packed his stuff and he made a rocket in his garden . He got his bag and went in the rocket . Then he pressed the buttons . 5 , 4 , 3 , 2 , 1 , 0 … BLAST OFF ! ! Crumble was flying to the moon , Hooray ! ! While Crumble was waiting to get to the moon he ate some dog food and played video games and had a nap . While he was sleeping Crumble dreamt about how he was on the moon . After his nap Crumble saw that he landed on the moon . So he got out of the spaceship , he started walking on the moon . It was FANTASTIC ! He saw an alien and they became very good friends . Crumble and his alien friend got the flag out of Crumble 's bag and stuck it on the moon Once upon a time , there was a dog called Crumble , and he lived all by himself near a farm . Crumble wanted to go on another adventure , but he didn 't know where to go . One day he asked his friend Tom to go to a haunted house with him because it was Halloween . When they went in , he saw a door that said ' Candy Land ' and Crumble wanted to go in . He asked his friend Tom to go with him , and Tom said Okay . They went in and there was so much candy , even there was a chocolate waterfall . Tom and Crumble went to eat some candy , so they went to the Candyfloss area . Next they went to the boats and went in the chocolate fall and ridded till they had chocolate all over them . Once upon a time there lived a dog called Crumble . Crumble said to his dad that " can I play outside with my friends ? " and his dad said " yes " so Crumble went out and played with his friends outside , there names were Croc , Sid , Rebecca and Tim . Tim is black and white and Tim has white ears . Croc had a spiky body and Croc had weird ears . They played tig ! This is how you play , so you have to put a bone in the middle of the garden and if the dog catches the bone they get to be the catcher . They played the game for a while then they went on a magic adventure they went in a jungle . They had monkeys , snakes and crocodiles there at the jungle . It was soo creepy . But suddenly the dogs disappeared in the jungle far far away some explorers in the jungle and they heard some dogs . The explorers were very kind to the dogs the explorers was the boss of the jungle . It was time for the dogs to go we had so much fun , when they got back from the magic adventure everyone had to go home . Crumble said bye - bye to all his friends and said " night night and have a good sleep dogs . " They all went home with there mums and dads and they all went home at the same time . " Crumble , " he sniffed , " let 's go over there . " Crumble smelled food . Crumble and Alex ate the food and when they finished they heard a noise . They went out and saw kidnappers . " GO ! " Went Crumble and Alex went to get ice - cream , it was so much fun . But on the way to get it Crumble got stuck then Alex got stuck and Crumble kindly helped Alex out and then they eats the ice - cream . She was tired and so they went home . The end . He swam in the river , climbed a mountain and road in a car , and finally arrived at a big city with big houses . He couldn 't find a home but he did find a big forest , it was very spooky , scary and cold . He found himself in a very spooky cave . Crumble was cold and hungry and had no food , he needed food and help . Crumble then found himself in an empty place with lots of food , so he ate some of the food . Then he was in Africa , but it was very hot . Then Crumble was at a special place but it was too big for Crumble . When he thought about not having a home of his own , he found himself back at his old house . Now he liked it very much and never wanted to leave it again . Once upon a time there lived a dog called Crumble . Crumble asked his mum if he could play in the garden . When Crumble went out to the garden , he wanted to go in the woods , but when Crumble went in the woods magically dinosaur came to life . Crumble got petrified , Crumble tried to go back but there was a dead end . Crumble saw a Terodactor . The Terodactor landed near Crumble . Crumble climbed up the Terodactor . The Terodactor flew up and down and went very fast and Crumble held on tight . Thirdly , Crumble saw a Triseratops . Now Crumble can ride on all of the dinosaurs . Crumble had a much better ride than the ride from the Diplodocos . The Triserotops is really fast at walking . Fourthly Crumble saw a Teranasoarus Rex . Crumble climbed up the Teranasoarus Rex . After he climbed up the Teranasoarus Rex he couldn 't find any more dinosaurs . Crumble found a green and magical gate , he went back and it lead him back to his garden , he went home and fell asleep Crumble the spotty dog is my best friend . One day , last summer , I took him on an adventure to the seaside . When we got there we went for a run on the beach , built some sand castles , rode on a donkey and ate ice - cream . I decided to go for a paddle in the sea but when I came back Crumble had disappeared . I ran up and down the beach looking for him and shouting out his name . Nobody had seen him . Just as I went to tell the policeman , I saw Crumble swimming to the rocks with a little girl on his back . When I ran over to them the little girl was crying . She told me that her mum and dad had brought her and her little brother for a picnic in the cave but the tide had trapped them in the cave . Crumble had heard them shouting for help and gone to the rescue . As Crumble swam back to the cave he saw a whale , the whale had swallowed the family and was heading to the shore . As he got there he took a deep breath and blew the whole family out of his blow hole onto the beach . At last they were all safe . Crumble and I went home happy after our great adventure by the sea . First he went to Sweet Land . There was lots of candy cane trees and people were just biting the branches ! There was a chocolate lake and Crumbles was swimming in it and licking the chocolate . Next Crumbles the dog went to the chocolate factory . And guess who he saw there … Willy Wonka ! ! ! Crumbles had lots of fun there , and he won a whole basket of CHOCOLATE ! He also saw his friend who he had met at Sweet Land , Ben , Crumbles liked the chocolate factory because there were games to play and puzzles to solve . After that Crumbles went to the beach with his two friends , Ben and Alex . There he made lots of sandcastles and Crumbles made the tallest sandcastles anyone could ever make ! He swam in the sea and reached an island where no one could ever reach . Then he said goodbye to his friends , Ben and Alex , and then went home and dreamed about having another adventure . " Can I come with you Sammy ? " Asked Crumble . So they went to Disneyland Paris . After they got there , there was a door that said Legoland and they went in to have a look . He scared everyone away so he can play with Sammy in the Lego pool , so he did . Everyone ran away with frightment . Sammy was upset that he frightened them away and wanted to go . After that Crumble went to apologise but first he had to bring them all in . " What should I do ? " thought Crumble . So he asked Sammy and said sorry and even wanted him back to help fix the problem , so he did . They got them then persuaded them to come in and they did . Time to go home in the hotel and that 's what they did . The End . On Monday night we took the pencil written stories and typed them up to email to the Author Mike Beale . I really have to say at this point , it is probably the most fun job I have had since launching VCP . I think what amazed me the most was how intelligent the stories are , and how imaginative and creative the children of Leigh Primary truly are . I laughed and smiled , and I completely was captivated by how the children saw Crumble and the values they attributed to Him / Her and the friendships that were forged . I really had no need to worry about our criteria being met , as these children aged between Five and Nine years rose to the challenge with style . In a way I am glad I did not have to judge them , because even now , I am not sure I could honestly pick a winner , I loved King Zig Zig , and the vampire house , Amie one of the winners with her story of the jungle , and how what at first appeared like enemies , became friends as they helped each other enthralled me . The dinosaur riding Crumble , and the friendly horses showed how easily children relate to their surroundings and look for friends , it all felt like a thoroughly heart warming experience . Mike Beale made the tough decision , but we felt all the children should be rewarded , and they will all receive a certificate of merit and a mechanical pen to continue writing . I feel these children give me great hope for the future of writing , and they are a credit to their school and the staff who work so hard to teach them . I must admit I really am hoping we get another invite to work creatively with the children again . He smiles . It is , and I feel it fits in very well , there is no rule that I am aware of that states Fantasy / Sci fi or Adventure genres are not for children as well . I actually think that using fiction is the very best way to expand the wonder of the world for children , I mean look at the classics such as Peter Pan or Alice in Wonderland , I read them as a child , and still do today to my own children , so why not a tale of a little dog called Crumble , especially considering , that the story is based on the real life observations of the authors dog , with a lovely fantasy twist . To be honest it was a member of the family who recommended Mike to us , he contacted us and gave us an idea of what he had , and we asked him for samples of the work so that we could look at it . I think what caught my attention first was the artwork , as soon as I saw it , I felt a strong sense of my own experiences from childhood and the wonderfully illustrated pictures of that time . I then read through the sample few chapters we had , and I felt it fitted in well with my own personal view of what the story should reflect . Well I must admit I do have a very broad range when it comes to what I read . The thing is , I feel that firstly the book has to be in one sense or another believable . Ok for me that was an easy task , I just gave it to my six year old daughter and asked her what she thought , it got her approval and she wanted the rest of it , so that was a good start . Once I got the full manuscript I read through it a few times , and in my mind I wanted it to hold within it a positive message , I feel many of the books for children today are a little light on ethics , so for my part , I am looking for something that gives children an idea about how we live and how to handle it . That is mainly because even in a work of fiction , I feel there should be good messages and truths of the world . Crumble had that , it has a few issues I liked such as dealing with loneliness , and how befriending someone can make a huge difference to their life , I also like the importance of a stable family , and that sometimes family are not always your relatives . Those messages told me this was a book that was very positive for children , and so I wanted to work with Mike . It is , I am not interested in famous or celebrity authors , they have the name and reputation to get the big boys on their side , in most cases the major publishers prioritise them above everyone else . I am interested in those looking for a start up , I want to help and promote new writers , I do feel especially as we have lost some very big name writers in the past five years in the fantasy genre , my part is to encourage and help the new writers that are trying to get a foothold . The market for writers is probably one of the most competitive , so its hard work , I like to think VCP are doing their bit to find some good quality writers who will move on to bigger things in the future . Mike Beale presented a good package and I do think that Crumble is a wonderful step up for children going from mainly picture books into something more structured towards reading for life , which is also another one of the reasons we wanted to do it . Yes , it is laid out with each chapter clearly marked ; I find a lot of the books that school gives to my daughter are still very basic and filled with bright pictures . I think I am a little old fashioned in my approach , because when I was six , I was given proper books to read and I do think it played a huge part in my love of reading . I think we do not have enough children reading , and it is something I feel strongly as a book producer and a parent that we need to try and get our children away from the TV or games consol and reading more . The layout of Crumble reflects that , it is in a larger print , but it still has the defined chapters with the illustrations carefully placed to flow with the text , and I know for sure my daughter and my son have both really enjoyed reading the format . Chuckles a lot . I avoid forums for writers simply because I have my own set way of doing things , so at times I find they have far too many rules that get in the way of the creative bursts . I honestly believe that shutting yourself away and just focusing on what you want write is the only way to do it , on the few occasions I have stepped out into the world and been involved with these things they have filled my head with notions that were very unhelpful , so for me personally I avoid them . Working with Mike was actually really fun and a complete eye - opener for me , because I suppose I got see how another writer who works alone with a few supporters to muck in , actually works . Our stuff is at opposing ends of the spectrum , as he writes for children , and my stuff is pretty complex and adult , so yes , for someone like me who loves nothing better than seeing how other people achieve things it was fascinating working with him , he is a really nice guy , and it was easy to see where such a lovely story came from , because he does have a very quiet and caring nature , which again I felt was beautifully reflected in Crumble . To be honest no not really . Look we have a very relaxed and informal way of working , lets be honest I am never going to be all about business dinners and fancy presentations . The way I work is very casual and informal , and that creates the right environment for creativity . We did a lot of research into children 's literature to get a good idea of what was expected , long before Mike gave us the manuscript we were pretty much pulling apart the book world to find out as much as possible . Once we started working , we would look at what he gave us and then comb through it and look to try and add as many improvements as we could , it is the very same system we use for HTTK , the only difference being is it is with another writer . We used the same approach with Ted on Wordsmith with the poetry book . We made suggestions , but at all times the decision lay with the author , which is a rule I set at the very start of VCP , as we want a company that treats Authors fairly , and to be honest we do a lot of work behind the scenes to ensure it . Mike felt comfy at all times , and questions he asked , we gave full answers to . At the end of the day we take it step by step , we gave him our thoughts on things we felt were important , he went off and looked at it , and then came back with his thoughts , after discussion we moved to the next stage and repeated the process until finally we arrived at the final manuscript everyone was happy with , and that was then published . I did take a small holiday , I wanted to get the kids away as we had been working most of their school holiday , as we wanted the book in full circulation before the children went back to school , so we took a few days in Scarborough , which was wonderful and we relaxed and had a lot of fun . I do admit I never stop working , so while I was there I got some pictures that would serve well in HTTK , after all Scarborough is a main part of the earlier stories . I came back and started the final edit of Book six , which is the next thing we will working on for late Autumn release , and obviously I am doing a lot behind the scenes to give Crumble a good old push into the world of readers . So Book six soon and then what , as you are almost at the end of HTTK , will you walk away forever and just write other stuff ? The next project is Kingdom six , I want that out as I know I have readers who really want it due to the cliff hanger ending of five , and I don 't want to disappoint them . As always we are looking for writers who fit our remit and so we are pushing that aspect of VCP , and behind the scenes I have a few things lined up for the end of HTTK , I think it is safe to say writing wise I have a constant stream of ideas , so whichever one gets my pulse racing fastest will be the new project when I finish the last HTTK book . Will I finish the series and say no more , I am not entirely certain , I have not given it a huge amount of thought as I am still writing it , but I must admit these characters have been a huge part of my life , in my house they are almost like family , so I cannot really say I am done with them yet , a break would be nice , I wanted to write the Bowman to prove I could write a book , I did it and it grew into a series , so maybe the next challenge is to write something completely different , after that I will have to see . I have always wanted it to be a publisher of quality , which will never change . I am looking for new writers who I can work with , and again I hope over time VCP will grow to be a publisher people can say produces good quality reads . We are still a tiny company and have a ways to go , and I am enjoying the journey . I believe in evolution and I think that will always be our way to go , we will learn and expand as we need to , and hopefully create something that will bring joy to the readers of the world , be them little or large . We have had to incorporate and get use to a lot of new technology in order to do this and we are growing each day with more and more competence , we set a plan at the start and so we are following it , and to date we are on target , we have print pretty much running very smoothly , and so we are now looking at digital , as we want to take our authors onto every platform , we have been busy with that behind the scenes , and will start with digital platforms once we are satisfied we have the right level of quality control on the books , that is not that far away now . For me personally it was a huge leap of faith , I knew I had done the research and could in theory do it , but ending my contracts with my other publisher and going solo was a scary moment , especially as it killed my income for six months . I am a lot happier now we are moving forward and doing ok , we have seven books out and an eighth on the way so it 's a big case of so far so good . I have really enjoyed it , and I have also had the joy of seeing two new authors step out into the world , and that has been a really rewarding aspect of all this . Ted has done really well with Wordsmith and I think Mike has started very well , and I hope will see some success , as I think Crumble deserves it . I still feel the most positive thing is getting the word out that reading is wonderful and enhances your life , and I know we have convinced a few more to do it more , so considering December 2013 and now , I am very happy with the way it has all gone . So What are you up to now ? At the moment I am preparing book six , as I said I want that out soon , but I am also looking at the night of HTTK thing , we have been asked quite a few times to do it , and it is entirely my fault , as the experience of the launch night in Bolton was so bad , it did put me off promoting locally and doing public events . Currently and in between Promoting Crumble and getting out the next book , I am looking at ways that could be possible . I have a lot of ideas , but because readers of HTTK are pretty scattered and I have done less promotion at home , I am not that sure of the numbers , so I am looking at a small event with a view to expanding it should it be successful . I must admit I do like the idea of meeting the readers and talking to them , it is during those kind of conversations you learn a lot about peoples experiences of the books . Well we have had a few suggestions from people who would like to see some readings and ask questions , so I think that would be the model to build it round , you know a sort of introduction , and then maybe some guest readers etc … I am sure I can sort something out where I can do some signings of books , and that sort of thing , I have a long list of ideas , it would be nice to bring Louis and Jacy in on it to chat to people about their artwork and stuff , it could be quite interesting , as I say at the moment we are only really looking at it . It does sound like a great idea and so I will look out for it , and it is looking very positive for Robin and VCP . Book Six of Heirs to the Kingdom will be hitting the book sales stands soon and we do hope that VCP and its authors do well . Crumble 's Adventures by Mike Beale is available now from all online stores , or from your local book shop , as well as all the other VCP published books on the VCP website .

Crumble 's Adventures , we are pleased to say passed all our criteria with flying colours . The story which evolves around Crumble , is a charming tale of a small dog who at the start of the book is homeless and alone . Wandering the streets and living off scraps , it is very clear how her existence is one of loneliness and sadness . I think every child has a point in their life where they experience this , especially at that early age where they enter a new school and have to leave their parents at the door , so the start of book struck a deep chord with all children . It can be frightening to enter the start of the real world , and here Crumble reflected all those tiny feelings that many children face . As the story moves forward , Crumble stumbles by accident on another dog named Alex , and at this point Crumble 's fortunes take a turn for the better . Alex takes the homeless Crumble home , where she is welcomed in and given a good meal , and this is the starting point of a strong friendship , and a sense of belonging . From here on in the books takes up a positive stance as the two dogs develop their friendship and go on many adventures . From our point of view , this shows the importance of family and strong friendship , something that is a very valuable asset to all children in the early stages of their development . What follows is an engaging tale of the dogs , with very positive messages and a few tense moments that do indeed captivate the imaginations of children . The story is adult enough for parents to comprehend the story and its meaning , yet written is such a delightfully easy to understand way that all children can relate every quickly and easily to the two dogs , and the friendship that strengthens between them . Our main test was our daughter and her understanding of this story , and it passed with flying colours as she really loved the story and became very excited as she followed it through the publishing process . The story is enhanced by the simply wonderful artwork that is woven throughout the book . The hand sketched illustrations provided by Maureen , contain such wonderful detail that the pictures themselves jump from the page , and it brings a real sense of identity to the characters for the children to relate to and follow . The book has been formatted in a way that moves away from the large pictured and low print types of books that children start reading with , and carries a similar format to that of a novel for older children , but with larger print and slightly wider spacing . This we felt was an ideal way to bridge the gap between books for younger children , and serves as a way into gaining an insight into the formatting of books for older children . Spliced together with the illustrations , it forms a package that gives of a sense of a step up into a more older approach to reading , and we feel is an ideal way to help children adjust to what will come as they progress into older and more print driven books at a later stage . In conclusion , Crumble 's Adventures by Mike Beale , is a simple to follow , well written story that serves as a very positive reading experience for children aged six and above . The story which is fun and exciting , is ideal for either reading to children by an adult , or as a good start for young readers who want to progress into a more print driven type of story . It is beautifully illustrated , with easy to read formatting and larger print , and we feel is an ideal first serious book for young readers . This year we decided to move our focus away from adults , and take a look at what is going on at grass roots level . Having published a children 's book last year , we thought it would be a change to look at children , and what effects them in the literary world . World Book Day we feel is a huge date in the school calendar , children dress up as their favourite character and all round school there are book related events . It made sense for us to look at the school and get a good idea of what exactly is being done to encourage the writers of the future , and the vehicle we used was a competition . We joined forces with one of our local schools , Leigh Primary School in Tameside , Greater Manchester and supplied them with a copy of Crumble 's Adventures written by debut author Mike Beale . The competition was based on drawing a picture , after all Mike 's book is beautifully illustrated by Maureen Fayle an Artist based in Devon , and we also asked for a short story that would create an adventure for a dog like Crumble . quite strict guidelines as to what we would and would not publish . We look for originality , creativity , a well thought out intelligent story , and also especially with a children 's book we look for a strong and positive message that helps teach values and understanding of the world around the reader . It was decided that we would expect something similar of the winner , even though this was at the primary level . ( although we are not completely ruthless , we were ready to be open to everything given us ) One day there lived a brown dog called Crumble . Crumble didn 't have an owner . Every day Crumble would walk up and down the street to see if anybody would like to adopt him . One night Crumble went to the police station he barked loud at the door and soon a big policeman opened the door . The big , giant policeman said , " have you got no owner ? " Crumble barked , " Well it doesn 't look like it " he said . " Come on in . " The policeman put Crumble in a cage but forgot to lock the door and Crumble thought to himself , " I don 't want to be in this cage . " Crumble quickly hopped out and ran as fast as he could . When he stopped he was at a farm , " that 's strange I 've never been to a place like this before . " Crumble walked a bit closer and he saw four horses galloping around a field . Then Crumble walked towards the farm and into the big wooden barn . In the barn were three big , woolly sheep , a horse saw him and told the other horses about Crumble . They all came over and one horse said , " what are you doing here ? " " Well we would have to ask the boss . " Said the horses . " okay " replied Crumble . And the horses galloped off to see if the boss would want him . The boss came out and took Crumble in . The boss already had a sheep dog but that sheep dog was really old , he was 72 years old . The boss said , " you can be my new sheep dog if you like . " Crumble was very happy and jumped onto the bosses lap . This is what Crumble had always dreamed of , to have his own family . Crumble the dog lived with a nice family , but he wished he could visit lots of exciting places . One day he decided he would go travelling and jumped on a bus stopped outside his house . The bus took him to the jungle . Crumble was sad and walked away . Suddenly he saw a tall tree walking by ! Crumble was scared and looked again . It wasn 't a tree , it was a giraffe with a long neck . The giraffe said " You don 't belong in the jungle . Get out ! " Crumble barked very loudly and bit the hunter on bottom . The hunter got scared and ran away . The elephant , monkey and giraffe all saw how brave Crumble was . " You can come here any time . Thank you for helping us . " They said . We were so impressed with the intelligence , creativity , and imagination that we decided to give every child an award of a certificate and a free mechanical pencil , which we hope will help them to write more stories . From the point of VCP , we feel this shows how important reading is to children , as it allows them to explore their own surroundings , and beyond . Ameera Year 3 There was once a dog called Crumble , he was an adventurer dog . He had a giant liquorish tale , he dreamed of going in to an alien ship . His life depended on it . One night he couldn 't sleep . It was the witching hour apparently , everyone said , " if you ever wake in the witching hour you will turn into an alien . " Crumble wanted to see an alien , but he couldn 't get to sleep because he really wanted to see a real life alien . So Crumble got up and looked out of the window , an alien saw him and took Crumble away … He ran … in the blink of an eye he had hairy hairs covering his body . He reached a plate that had labels saying ' gorges marvellous medicine ' " His name is probably Gorge . " She said . Soon they were both asking questions like , ' what 's your name ? ' and ' do they eat you ? ' and ' what 's your job ? ' The alien looked at Crumble and said , " out there every single night there are wolfs that eat any boy and girl they see for lunch . My job is to make potions for them . " One night the alien took Crumble out to collect some ingredients , and showed him things a dog had never seen before . The alien showed Crumble how to make potions , and they watched the stars that were like fireworks firing off in the dark sky . Crumble ate this strange food that tasted like an old disgusting sock . After a while the alien decided to put Crumble back where he came from , his home . Crumble still couldn 't sleep for so long , he wanted to be with his friend Gorgie , and Gorgie felt the same , but the bone catcher said , " dogs are the only tasty thing to eat , and British dogs are the best of all . " Crumble didn 't want to get eaten . One day Crumble and his owner Julie went to the airport to go on holiday . Crumble wondered off and got on the wrong plane . The plane took off to the sky , and Crumble went looking for Julie but couldn 't find her . Crumble was walking hopelessly looking for Julie when he spotted a pretty dog . He followed the pretty dog onto the bus . The bus driver was cross and shouted , " NO DOGS ALLOWED ! " So Crumble and the pretty dog got off . The pretty dog said to Crumble , " are you following me ? " Crumble replied , " I 'm lost . " The pretty dog said , " I am Daisy , what 's your name ? " There was once upon a time a dog called Crumble , who went for a walk , and found a big , fluffy , furry cat . He seemed it was time for him to have a good clean walk so he decided to chase it , and it lead him to a rocket . As the door opened Crumble hopped onto the rocket and suddenly fell onto a button that had them zooming into the sky . Crumble set off into space and landed on the moon . First of all he met an alien called Zorg . Crumble seemed that the alien was nice so he introduced himself by saying , " woof woof . " Which meant , " Hello my name is Crumble . " Then the dog , Crumble , asked the alien . " How do I get home ? " The alien understood what he said and showed Crumble the way home . Soon as Crumble stepped out of the rocket he felt upset because he was going to miss the rocket and Zorg . As he waved bye - bye a tear fell from his cheek , but he couldn 't wait to go inside and relax . As Crumble was going to step foot in his house he saw the cat again , he didn 't chase it because it might lead him somewhere else and he needs some rest . Crumble wondered how the rocket got there in the first place , but thought he should figure it out next time Mrs . Round had taken Crumble and Alex to Scotland for Christmas . It was a very long journey on the train , but they had been given lots of treats for being very good . They were staying with Mrs . Round 's friend Malcolm McDuff , he ran a farm in the Highlands . They dashed out of the door and ran across the yard , flicking fresh snow into the air as they made their way to the big , red barn , they both shouted " hello " as they walked into the barn . " This is Angus the long haired highland cow . Angus this is Crumble . " Alex Said . " hello Crumble " Angus said as he walked outside . " this snow is pretty deep would you like a lift ? " Alex and Crumble replied together , " yes please . " Angus crouched a little and said , " hop on my back . " So Alex and Crumble jumped up . Angus took them far away to the forest , and when they got to the middle of the forest they were lost . Mrs . Round came out to call the dogs in for dinner , she was very shocked when she couldn 't see them . Alex and Crumble were scared , " we don 't know how to get back to the farm . " They said . Angus told them not to worry , " luckily I have these four hooves and they leave deep tracks . " He told them . So they followed Angus 's footprints all the way home . When they got home it was already tea time , and they had to eat there dinner and tea together . " Wow , " said Angus , " that lot will fill you up . " " yes it will . " Said Crumble and Alex together . Soon it was bed time for the tired dogs . They were read a bedtime story and they fell fast asleep . One day Crumble who was a dog , he walked he didn 't have a family and was alone and he walked everywhere . He was very sad another dog came he was happy he went on some adventures like hunting and treasure hunting . Then they went treasure hunting an they gone went the wrong way . They meted the wolf they hated but asked witch way should they go and they found it from wolfs directions . Then they knows that they went the rite way and they saw some treasure then they was in tunnels . They went this rite way and they walked home . One day , Crumbles was out for a walk . While Crumbles was walking , he saw a biscuit shaped as a bone but it wasn 't an ordinary biscuit it was a magical bone , but Crumbles didn 't know he just ate it all up but then he felt weird and he turned into Crumble Dog . It was the 31st of April 1972 . On the strike of 12 O clock his super sense was tingling and he said " Hulk 's in trouble " So he went " It seems he is on Mars , not the sweet Mars the planet . " OH NO HE ' S FIGHTING King Zig Zig " So I threw crumbs at him so he couldn 't see and he could take him to safety so he could fight him since King Zig Zig hates crumbs . He threw some at him and he went away for good . One day , Crumble and his brothers were sleeping . It was morning and Crumble woke up early . After a while Crumble 's brother came out . " Let 's play catch " Explained Crumble Okay . Then Crumble threw the ball too high , so Crumble went and got it . But Crumble didn 't know where he was going . Soon Crumble went further and further in the forest . After a while Crumble got lost and really got scared . Then he got used to it , also he saw some wild animals and started liking them . 1 hour later Crumbles brothers got worried about Crumble . Later Crumble went deeper in the forest . When went , he found 3 dogs . Since Crumble was alone he decided to hang out with the three dogs . Later that day Crumble got lost because he smelt his brother . Just then Crumble found his two brothers he felt safer with his family . Crumbles mum was so happy to have Crumble back . Later on they decided to watch a film called Black Beauty , then they set up a surprise for Crumble . It was Crumbles birthday today . Then they laid out the table for Crumbles birthday . Happy Birthday to you ! Crumble was so excited . Then it was 10 : 30 pm , so Crumble and the brothers and mum went upstairs to bed . Good night said the dogs , good night said Mum . Then everyone was fast asleep ZZZZ ! One spooky night , Crumble was in Spooky Hollow it was so dark that he could barely see a thing . The wasn 't happy so tried to find his way out . The problem was that Spooky Hollow was a MAZE ! His only way was to jump out of the maze with his extremely jump ! He jumped over the wall but he was where he was before , so he jumped so far that he almost landed on the tree , but he was safe . Then he came in hot Africa , then he went to the rocket station and almost went up in space . Then he landed in Happy Hollow . Once upon a time there was a dog called Crumble . He had a boring life . One day Crumble had an idea , he wanted to go to the moon . So he packed his stuff and he made a rocket in his garden . He got his bag and went in the rocket . Then he pressed the buttons . 5 , 4 , 3 , 2 , 1 , 0 … BLAST OFF ! ! Crumble was flying to the moon , Hooray ! ! While Crumble was waiting to get to the moon he ate some dog food and played video games and had a nap . While he was sleeping Crumble dreamt about how he was on the moon . After his nap Crumble saw that he landed on the moon . So he got out of the spaceship , he started walking on the moon . It was FANTASTIC ! He saw an alien and they became very good friends . Crumble and his alien friend got the flag out of Crumble 's bag and stuck it on the moon Once upon a time , there was a dog called Crumble , and he lived all by himself near a farm . Crumble wanted to go on another adventure , but he didn 't know where to go . One day he asked his friend Tom to go to a haunted house with him because it was Halloween . When they went in , he saw a door that said ' Candy Land ' and Crumble wanted to go in . He asked his friend Tom to go with him , and Tom said Okay . They went in and there was so much candy , even there was a chocolate waterfall . Tom and Crumble went to eat some candy , so they went to the Candyfloss area . Next they went to the boats and went in the chocolate fall and ridded till they had chocolate all over them . Once upon a time there lived a dog called Crumble . Crumble said to his dad that " can I play outside with my friends ? " and his dad said " yes " so Crumble went out and played with his friends outside , there names were Croc , Sid , Rebecca and Tim . Tim is black and white and Tim has white ears . Croc had a spiky body and Croc had weird ears . They played tig ! This is how you play , so you have to put a bone in the middle of the garden and if the dog catches the bone they get to be the catcher . They played the game for a while then they went on a magic adventure they went in a jungle . They had monkeys , snakes and crocodiles there at the jungle . It was soo creepy . But suddenly the dogs disappeared in the jungle far far away some explorers in the jungle and they heard some dogs . The explorers were very kind to the dogs the explorers was the boss of the jungle . It was time for the dogs to go we had so much fun , when they got back from the magic adventure everyone had to go home . Crumble said bye - bye to all his friends and said " night night and have a good sleep dogs . " They all went home with there mums and dads and they all went home at the same time . " Crumble , " he sniffed , " let 's go over there . " Crumble smelled food . Crumble and Alex ate the food and when they finished they heard a noise . They went out and saw kidnappers . " GO ! " Went Crumble and Alex went to get ice - cream , it was so much fun . But on the way to get it Crumble got stuck then Alex got stuck and Crumble kindly helped Alex out and then they eats the ice - cream . She was tired and so they went home . The end . He swam in the river , climbed a mountain and road in a car , and finally arrived at a big city with big houses . He couldn 't find a home but he did find a big forest , it was very spooky , scary and cold . He found himself in a very spooky cave . Crumble was cold and hungry and had no food , he needed food and help . Crumble then found himself in an empty place with lots of food , so he ate some of the food . Then he was in Africa , but it was very hot . Then Crumble was at a special place but it was too big for Crumble . When he thought about not having a home of his own , he found himself back at his old house . Now he liked it very much and never wanted to leave it again . Once upon a time there lived a dog called Crumble . Crumble asked his mum if he could play in the garden . When Crumble went out to the garden , he wanted to go in the woods , but when Crumble went in the woods magically dinosaur came to life . Crumble got petrified , Crumble tried to go back but there was a dead end . Crumble saw a Terodactor . The Terodactor landed near Crumble . Crumble climbed up the Terodactor . The Terodactor flew up and down and went very fast and Crumble held on tight . Thirdly , Crumble saw a Triseratops . Now Crumble can ride on all of the dinosaurs . Crumble had a much better ride than the ride from the Diplodocos . The Triserotops is really fast at walking . Fourthly Crumble saw a Teranasoarus Rex . Crumble climbed up the Teranasoarus Rex . After he climbed up the Teranasoarus Rex he couldn 't find any more dinosaurs . Crumble found a green and magical gate , he went back and it lead him back to his garden , he went home and fell asleep Crumble the spotty dog is my best friend . One day , last summer , I took him on an adventure to the seaside . When we got there we went for a run on the beach , built some sand castles , rode on a donkey and ate ice - cream . I decided to go for a paddle in the sea but when I came back Crumble had disappeared . I ran up and down the beach looking for him and shouting out his name . Nobody had seen him . Just as I went to tell the policeman , I saw Crumble swimming to the rocks with a little girl on his back . When I ran over to them the little girl was crying . She told me that her mum and dad had brought her and her little brother for a picnic in the cave but the tide had trapped them in the cave . Crumble had heard them shouting for help and gone to the rescue . As Crumble swam back to the cave he saw a whale , the whale had swallowed the family and was heading to the shore . As he got there he took a deep breath and blew the whole family out of his blow hole onto the beach . At last they were all safe . Crumble and I went home happy after our great adventure by the sea . First he went to Sweet Land . There was lots of candy cane trees and people were just biting the branches ! There was a chocolate lake and Crumbles was swimming in it and licking the chocolate . Next Crumbles the dog went to the chocolate factory . And guess who he saw there … Willy Wonka ! ! ! Crumbles had lots of fun there , and he won a whole basket of CHOCOLATE ! He also saw his friend who he had met at Sweet Land , Ben , Crumbles liked the chocolate factory because there were games to play and puzzles to solve . After that Crumbles went to the beach with his two friends , Ben and Alex . There he made lots of sandcastles and Crumbles made the tallest sandcastles anyone could ever make ! He swam in the sea and reached an island where no one could ever reach . Then he said goodbye to his friends , Ben and Alex , and then went home and dreamed about having another adventure . " Can I come with you Sammy ? " Asked Crumble . So they went to Disneyland Paris . After they got there , there was a door that said Legoland and they went in to have a look . He scared everyone away so he can play with Sammy in the Lego pool , so he did . Everyone ran away with frightment . Sammy was upset that he frightened them away and wanted to go . After that Crumble went to apologise but first he had to bring them all in . " What should I do ? " thought Crumble . So he asked Sammy and said sorry and even wanted him back to help fix the problem , so he did . They got them then persuaded them to come in and they did . Time to go home in the hotel and that 's what they did . The End . On Monday night we took the pencil written stories and typed them up to email to the Author Mike Beale . I really have to say at this point , it is probably the most fun job I have had since launching VCP . I think what amazed me the most was how intelligent the stories are , and how imaginative and creative the children of Leigh Primary truly are . I laughed and smiled , and I completely was captivated by how the children saw Crumble and the values they attributed to Him / Her and the friendships that were forged . I really had no need to worry about our criteria being met , as these children aged between Five and Nine years rose to the challenge with style . In a way I am glad I did not have to judge them , because even now , I am not sure I could honestly pick a winner , I loved King Zig Zig , and the vampire house , Amie one of the winners with her story of the jungle , and how what at first appeared like enemies , became friends as they helped each other enthralled me . The dinosaur riding Crumble , and the friendly horses showed how easily children relate to their surroundings and look for friends , it all felt like a thoroughly heart warming experience . Mike Beale made the tough decision , but we felt all the children should be rewarded , and they will all receive a certificate of merit and a mechanical pen to continue writing . I feel these children give me great hope for the future of writing , and they are a credit to their school and the staff who work so hard to teach them . I must admit I really am hoping we get another invite to work creatively with the children again . He smiles . It is , and I feel it fits in very well , there is no rule that I am aware of that states Fantasy / Sci fi or Adventure genres are not for children as well . I actually think that using fiction is the very best way to expand the wonder of the world for children , I mean look at the classics such as Peter Pan or Alice in Wonderland , I read them as a child , and still do today to my own children , so why not a tale of a little dog called Crumble , especially considering , that the story is based on the real life observations of the authors dog , with a lovely fantasy twist . To be honest it was a member of the family who recommended Mike to us , he contacted us and gave us an idea of what he had , and we asked him for samples of the work so that we could look at it . I think what caught my attention first was the artwork , as soon as I saw it , I felt a strong sense of my own experiences from childhood and the wonderfully illustrated pictures of that time . I then read through the sample few chapters we had , and I felt it fitted in well with my own personal view of what the story should reflect . Well I must admit I do have a very broad range when it comes to what I read . The thing is , I feel that firstly the book has to be in one sense or another believable . Ok for me that was an easy task , I just gave it to my six year old daughter and asked her what she thought , it got her approval and she wanted the rest of it , so that was a good start . Once I got the full manuscript I read through it a few times , and in my mind I wanted it to hold within it a positive message , I feel many of the books for children today are a little light on ethics , so for my part , I am looking for something that gives children an idea about how we live and how to handle it . That is mainly because even in a work of fiction , I feel there should be good messages and truths of the world . Crumble had that , it has a few issues I liked such as dealing with loneliness , and how befriending someone can make a huge difference to their life , I also like the importance of a stable family , and that sometimes family are not always your relatives . Those messages told me this was a book that was very positive for children , and so I wanted to work with Mike . It is , I am not interested in famous or celebrity authors , they have the name and reputation to get the big boys on their side , in most cases the major publishers prioritise them above everyone else . I am interested in those looking for a start up , I want to help and promote new writers , I do feel especially as we have lost some very big name writers in the past five years in the fantasy genre , my part is to encourage and help the new writers that are trying to get a foothold . The market for writers is probably one of the most competitive , so its hard work , I like to think VCP are doing their bit to find some good quality writers who will move on to bigger things in the future . Mike Beale presented a good package and I do think that Crumble is a wonderful step up for children going from mainly picture books into something more structured towards reading for life , which is also another one of the reasons we wanted to do it . Yes , it is laid out with each chapter clearly marked ; I find a lot of the books that school gives to my daughter are still very basic and filled with bright pictures . I think I am a little old fashioned in my approach , because when I was six , I was given proper books to read and I do think it played a huge part in my love of reading . I think we do not have enough children reading , and it is something I feel strongly as a book producer and a parent that we need to try and get our children away from the TV or games consol and reading more . The layout of Crumble reflects that , it is in a larger print , but it still has the defined chapters with the illustrations carefully placed to flow with the text , and I know for sure my daughter and my son have both really enjoyed reading the format . Chuckles a lot . I avoid forums for writers simply because I have my own set way of doing things , so at times I find they have far too many rules that get in the way of the creative bursts . I honestly believe that shutting yourself away and just focusing on what you want write is the only way to do it , on the few occasions I have stepped out into the world and been involved with these things they have filled my head with notions that were very unhelpful , so for me personally I avoid them . Working with Mike was actually really fun and a complete eye - opener for me , because I suppose I got see how another writer who works alone with a few supporters to muck in , actually works . Our stuff is at opposing ends of the spectrum , as he writes for children , and my stuff is pretty complex and adult , so yes , for someone like me who loves nothing better than seeing how other people achieve things it was fascinating working with him , he is a really nice guy , and it was easy to see where such a lovely story came from , because he does have a very quiet and caring nature , which again I felt was beautifully reflected in Crumble . To be honest no not really . Look we have a very relaxed and informal way of working , lets be honest I am never going to be all about business dinners and fancy presentations . The way I work is very casual and informal , and that creates the right environment for creativity . We did a lot of research into children 's literature to get a good idea of what was expected , long before Mike gave us the manuscript we were pretty much pulling apart the book world to find out as much as possible . Once we started working , we would look at what he gave us and then comb through it and look to try and add as many improvements as we could , it is the very same system we use for HTTK , the only difference being is it is with another writer . We used the same approach with Ted on Wordsmith with the poetry book . We made suggestions , but at all times the decision lay with the author , which is a rule I set at the very start of VCP , as we want a company that treats Authors fairly , and to be honest we do a lot of work behind the scenes to ensure it . Mike felt comfy at all times , and questions he asked , we gave full answers to . At the end of the day we take it step by step , we gave him our thoughts on things we felt were important , he went off and looked at it , and then came back with his thoughts , after discussion we moved to the next stage and repeated the process until finally we arrived at the final manuscript everyone was happy with , and that was then published . I did take a small holiday , I wanted to get the kids away as we had been working most of their school holiday , as we wanted the book in full circulation before the children went back to school , so we took a few days in Scarborough , which was wonderful and we relaxed and had a lot of fun . I do admit I never stop working , so while I was there I got some pictures that would serve well in HTTK , after all Scarborough is a main part of the earlier stories . I came back and started the final edit of Book six , which is the next thing we will working on for late Autumn release , and obviously I am doing a lot behind the scenes to give Crumble a good old push into the world of readers . So Book six soon and then what , as you are almost at the end of HTTK , will you walk away forever and just write other stuff ? The next project is Kingdom six , I want that out as I know I have readers who really want it due to the cliff hanger ending of five , and I don 't want to disappoint them . As always we are looking for writers who fit our remit and so we are pushing that aspect of VCP , and behind the scenes I have a few things lined up for the end of HTTK , I think it is safe to say writing wise I have a constant stream of ideas , so whichever one gets my pulse racing fastest will be the new project when I finish the last HTTK book . Will I finish the series and say no more , I am not entirely certain , I have not given it a huge amount of thought as I am still writing it , but I must admit these characters have been a huge part of my life , in my house they are almost like family , so I cannot really say I am done with them yet , a break would be nice , I wanted to write the Bowman to prove I could write a book , I did it and it grew into a series , so maybe the next challenge is to write something completely different , after that I will have to see . I have always wanted it to be a publisher of quality , which will never change . I am looking for new writers who I can work with , and again I hope over time VCP will grow to be a publisher people can say produces good quality reads . We are still a tiny company and have a ways to go , and I am enjoying the journey . I believe in evolution and I think that will always be our way to go , we will learn and expand as we need to , and hopefully create something that will bring joy to the readers of the world , be them little or large . We have had to incorporate and get use to a lot of new technology in order to do this and we are growing each day with more and more competence , we set a plan at the start and so we are following it , and to date we are on target , we have print pretty much running very smoothly , and so we are now looking at digital , as we want to take our authors onto every platform , we have been busy with that behind the scenes , and will start with digital platforms once we are satisfied we have the right level of quality control on the books , that is not that far away now . For me personally it was a huge leap of faith , I knew I had done the research and could in theory do it , but ending my contracts with my other publisher and going solo was a scary moment , especially as it killed my income for six months . I am a lot happier now we are moving forward and doing ok , we have seven books out and an eighth on the way so it 's a big case of so far so good . I have really enjoyed it , and I have also had the joy of seeing two new authors step out into the world , and that has been a really rewarding aspect of all this . Ted has done really well with Wordsmith and I think Mike has started very well , and I hope will see some success , as I think Crumble deserves it . I still feel the most positive thing is getting the word out that reading is wonderful and enhances your life , and I know we have convinced a few more to do it more , so considering December 2013 and now , I am very happy with the way it has all gone . So What are you up to now ? At the moment I am preparing book six , as I said I want that out soon , but I am also looking at the night of HTTK thing , we have been asked quite a few times to do it , and it is entirely my fault , as the experience of the launch night in Bolton was so bad , it did put me off promoting locally and doing public events . Currently and in between Promoting Crumble and getting out the next book , I am looking at ways that could be possible . I have a lot of ideas , but because readers of HTTK are pretty scattered and I have done less promotion at home , I am not that sure of the numbers , so I am looking at a small event with a view to expanding it should it be successful . I must admit I do like the idea of meeting the readers and talking to them , it is during those kind of conversations you learn a lot about peoples experiences of the books . Well we have had a few suggestions from people who would like to see some readings and ask questions , so I think that would be the model to build it round , you know a sort of introduction , and then maybe some guest readers etc … I am sure I can sort something out where I can do some signings of books , and that sort of thing , I have a long list of ideas , it would be nice to bring Louis and Jacy in on it to chat to people about their artwork and stuff , it could be quite interesting , as I say at the moment we are only really looking at it . It does sound like a great idea and so I will look out for it , and it is looking very positive for Robin and VCP . Book Six of Heirs to the Kingdom will be hitting the book sales stands soon and we do hope that VCP and its authors do well . Crumble 's Adventures by Mike Beale is available now from all online stores , or from your local book shop , as well as all the other VCP published books on the VCP website .

Posted on August 24 , 2013 by Sally Mekkaoui A moment of peace goes to the hundreds that have been chocked by chemicals . Chemicals ? Yeah chemicals ! A chemical massacre occurred in the eastern capital of Syria . This happened on Wednesday , the 21st of August , 2013 . Everyone will remember this date from Wednesday and so on . And maybe no one will remember this date , because the worse is on its way . 1 , 600 were dead , and 3 , 600 were injured . For a number , it 's too much . How about if most of them were children and women ? They 're not just 100 , 200 , or even 300 , they 're 1 , 600 . The devil himself did not think of doing that . The scene was horrible , what if I was there reporting the news or even helping people . Young blue kids were in the hands of their parents , not talking , breathing , or even doing any single reaction . That hurts ! I felt like something stuck in my heart and throat ; it did not go out either by screaming or by crying . Taking into consideration both parties , to fight there should be some kind of war ethics . Neither Islam , nor Christian , nor Judaism accepts what happened . Even other sectors such as Hinduism , Buddhism , and etc … Every kind of religion aims humanity . War ethics come from the state that both parties should be ready for fighting . What I mean that certain men should be qualified and ready to fight . Fighting should be in a land faraway from civilian and innocent people , and from children and women . Fighting should be from a certain time to a certain time ; for example , from dawn to sunset . The fighter should have the right to relax , sleep , and eat . Posted on August 17 , 2013 by Sally Mekkaoui I spent hours to find an appropriate name for this era , but nothing came up . It 's a period filled with rappers , murders , burglars , kidnappers , and much more . I really do not know what to call it since it 's a combination of all of the above . I open the TV one day to find hundreds of children , women , and men laid dead on the ground . The other day to find some have been kidnapped and no one knows where they are now . Three weeks ago I 've seen the weirdest thing ever . A guy got married to a girl from another religion without the approval of her parents . Months later , her parents called her husband to make reconciliation . As a matter of fact , they deceived him and cut off his male reproductive organ as a revenge of what have happened . How can they do that ? Do those people have the right to ? Nowadays we have reached a level where we have animals ' rights and no one have thought of establishing humans ' rights . Though they say humans ' rights exist , I say it 's virtual . It 's really funny that we have reached the 21st century and the black and the white still fight sometimes . What 's different between both is the skin pigment . The heart is a heart in both , and the brain is a brain in both . So why don 't you use your hearts to love each other and use your brains to think that in life we need both colors the black and the white . The grey is important as well . It 's a mix between the black and the white , it signifies unity . Did you get now why it 's a NO NAME ERA ? ? ? I ran to talk to you . Why didn 't you answer me ? Answer me . Look into my eyes . Tell me you love me . Smile . Cry . Shout . Do anything . Posted on April 25 , 2013 by Sally Mekkaoui Each one of us is in love with money . Everyone dreams , and his or her dream expands day after day . Some parents encourage their children to work so they can have all the money . Others encourage their children to work even if they have enough money for ten years from now . I encourage those kinds of parents . Work will let children learn many essentials in life . If parents know their children can divide their time between study and work , why not ? Let them work ! Parents should encourage their children to work and save money . By working and saving money , children would know the value of money . They would also know how much their dad or even their mom is working hard to yield them the best opportunities in life . Due to this , children would feel and sympathize with their parents . If parents have a problem with their children 's schedule , well working is a way to organize it . Children will know how to differentiate among the time of when to study , when to play , and when to work . Children will know the value of each second that passes in their lifetime . In some cases , work will let children to be too much independent . They will start rebelling against their parents . Children will not like the parent 's way of living . They will sometimes go around nagging that they want to live alone . Children will want their privacy and they will think they have enough money . To all the parents around the world , I would like to tell you don 't be shy or ashamed because your children are working . It 's not going to be less prestige to you , on the contrary be proud of them . Working is a way to show your children the real image of life . Working will teach them manners , how to socialize with others , and overcome the hardships Posted on April 17 , 2013 by Sally Mekkaoui My feet could barely reach the floor board of the car . I would always run and take the window seat . Though , I bared the consequences . The sun was very shiny that I barely opened my eyes when I looked outside the window . My mother was having a chit chat conversation with my grandmother in the front , while driving . When they 're together , they are always scared if something suddenly happens . I enjoyed the sea view all along the way from our home in Saida to the airport . We were going to pick up my father from the airport ; he 's coming from Saudi Arabia because he works there . My smaller brother Khalil and my smallest sister Mira were playing together and talking . Every person in that car was happy and relaxed until suddenly a TA TA TA TAKKKKK sound came up . That stupid sound woke me up from a small nap . My mother directly parked aside to see what happened to the car . My mother 's eyes started filling with tears and my grandmother started praying to God . We found out that many cars encountered the same , all because a small piece of metal was set upside down on the highway . We had four flat tires and only one spare in the back of the car , so the first thing we did was call the insurance . My mother and grandmother started arguing and questioning themselves what do they have to do next . After about ten minutes of arguing and worrying , my grandmother suggested to stay right on the spot and wait for the insurance with Khalil and Mira . My mom and I took a taxi to pick up dad from the airport . We arrived to the airport and welcomed dad with warm kisses and hugs and then took a taxi back to that spot again . We picked up my grandmother , Khalil , and Mira and I made sure I took the window seat before anybody else did . Posted on April 10 , 2013 by Sally Mekkaoui Two summers ago , we had a family gathering at our summer house . The weather was like 35 degrees Celsius , and all we thought about was swimming in freezing water . We were all sitting in the balcony in a circle way that each one can see everyone 's face . I was luckily sitting between my grandmother and my aunt . My throat was struggling for some liquids . I went to the kitchen to get some cold water and involuntary chose one of my favorite cups . I came from the kitchen to the balcony drinking water in one of those transparent cups that already look like they have water in them . They are put in freezers for you to enjoy a cool drink . So as I was drinking my water , my grandmother asked me curiously if I was actually drinking something . My aunt 's answer was much faster than mine , " Mom , the cup is designed that way , see how it 's empty " said my aunt . She took the cup from my hand and splashed my grandmother all the way trying to prove her point . I didn 't even have the time to tell her that I was actually drinking something ; she acted too fast for me to even move a muscle . Seeing my grandmother soaked with water , and my aunt 's face full of shame , I couldn 't stop myself from laughing . They both looked at me with anger drew on their faces waiting for me to stop laughing . I laughed and laughed till my tears poured . Posted on March 31 , 2013 by Sally Mekkaoui She might be sleeping and snoring as well . You rang the bell though you have the keys . You 've tried many times before ringing the bell to focus and put the key , but you failed as usual . You woke her up . You entered singing and laughing loudly . You can 't even stand straight . You lent on her shoulder with every step you made . Maya would always run before bedtime to her grandfather 's room and just sit on the couch and watch him for almost an hour . She was his favorite granddaughter . Sometimes when he 's well , he would tell her stories about her childhood . And other times she could only hear the oxygen tank , his inhaling and exhaling , and " beep … beep … beep " the heart monitor sharply beeped in her ears . In times like those , Maya would grab a book from the book shelf that was right next to his bed and start reading . Maya 's grandmother died when Maya was 12 . So , instead of letting her grandfather live alone in Lebanon , Maya 's father prepared a separate room for his father in their home in Dubai . From that moment , Maya 's grandfather started living with them . Maya 's grandfather was in good health . He would take the black - haired girl on Fridays to the park and on Sundays for a walk . Their relationship was so close that she started spending more time with her grandfather than her parents . Two years later , her grandfather discovered he had bone cancer and it was in its fourth stage . During his suffering journey , God 's name didn 't leave his mouth . Her grandfather was passionate for life , he would always promise the little girl to get everything she needed when he 'd be able to walk again . " I remembered him when he promised to get me the newest play station and digital camera , " Maya recalled while grabbing a tissue from her purse . Three months passed and her grandfather died . Maya couldn 't believe he was gone . Everyone around her was weeping and crying except her . She knew her grandfather would never like to see his little girl crying . She was shocked , yet happy at the same time that her grandfather would never feel pain again . Maya 's grandfather never let anyone know that he was in pain , but she would see that through the tiny hole of the key lock . Losing her grandfather taught her the meaning of family and of each family member . Before that incident , Maya barely saw her family except on lunches and dinners . She spent hours upstairs in her room listening to music and surfing the net while the whole family gathered downstairs . Now , she regrets all those moments and barely sits in her room alone . She now spends time with her family , discusses a lot of issues , plays monopoly and cards , and most of the time fights for her favorite channel . Posted on March 6 , 2013 by Sally Mekkaoui You come back from a tiring day at work and say : " Honey , I 'm home " . She runs to greet you , and give you a hello kiss . While you change your clothes , she will be preparing dinner . While watching TV , all she wants is a cozy hug . Always show love . Always tell her she 's the most beautiful woman . She might not be perfect , neither you ; but you are both perfect together . When she 's sick , she wants you to be her nurse and doctor . Make sure you give her all the medications . Medicines are not enough . She needs love and passion to heal faster . She will not be able to prepare food , so order delivery . And she might not be that sick , but she pretends to be sicker to stay beside her . Don 't get mad if she tells you I hate you . She instead means I love you . When she tells you I don 't want to talk to you anymore . Deep inside she means please talk to me all night . Before you sleep , kiss her a goodnight kiss . Tell her you love her , of course she knows that , but she wants to hear it thousand times . Hold her waist tightly as you fall asleep . Prisoner 786 was imprisoned in Pakistan for 22 years . No one knew why . No one ever tried to figure out why , until that Pakistani lawyer . She found it a weird case . She entered the cell and found that prisoner holding an anklet with his hand . No one knew his name ; they all called him Prisoner 786 . Prisoner 786 started having flashbacks while telling his story to his lawyer . They were facing each other when the rescuers were raising them . He was so close to her , close enough to come forward and kiss her , but they both don 't know each other . She was from Pakistan and he was from India . Zaara , she was named . She came all the way from Pakistan to immerse her grandmother 's ashes in India . On her way to India , the bus has toppled down from the mountains to the valley . He was Veer , a squadron leader and a rescue pilot . When the accident happened , his co - workers let him go down to the valley from the helicopter by a rope to rescue the passengers . Veer by chance had to rescue Zaara . Zaara was so scared ; she embraced her arms around Veer 's shoulder . Veer couldn 't stop looking at her . Veer , Zaara , and all the passengers have spent the night in the bus station . The next day at 7 a . m . , Veer was taking a bus to reach his village , and Zaara was taking another bus to the village where she 's going to immerse her grandmother 's ashes . There were no places on Zaara 's bus , so she had to sit on the bus 's board . Veer started feeling guilty to leave Zaara alone in India , so he decided to help her . They introduced each other on the bus 's board that was leaving to Kiritpur ( village where Zaara was going to immerse the ashes ) . It was an enjoyable trip , they sang , danced , and viewed the beautiful land of India . They continued their trip walking sometimes and on horses the other times . Veer took Zaara to the river ; they immersed the ashes and did the last rites for her grandmother . After finishing this process , Veer dropped Zaara to the bus station and told her how to reach Pakistan . To honor Veer 's hard work , Zaara pleased Veer to ask for anything just to thank him . Veer 's wish was to take from Zaara one day of her life . Veer felt that Zaara 's going to leave without a sweet memory . Pleasurably , Zaara accepted . Veer started showing Zaara his village and he greeted her to his parents . Veer 's parents have the biggest house in the village . Veer 's parents have built this village . On that night , there was an annual festival that was prepared by the people . Next morning , Zaara had to leave . Zaara called Veer 's parents mom and dad . " You 've given me a lifetime of memories and relationships , " Zaara said . On their way to the train station , Zaara fell on the floor . She dropped her anklet , so Veer took it and put it in his pocket . She faced that guy in the train station . She was shocked when she saw him . Veer started wondering who he would be . She introduced him as her fiancé . Veer froze ! Raza , Zaara 's fiancé came from Pakistan because he was worried about Zaara . Raza was on the bus , and Zaara was saying goodbye to Veer . In that little moment , Veer confessed love to Zaara . Zaara 's father was putting his first steps in politics with the help of Raza 's father . When Zaara confessed her love to her maid , her maid directly called Veer secretly and said , " Zaara 's in love with you and she 's getting married soon . Come to Pakistan and take Zaara away " . Those words filled Veer 's heart with happiness . Without telling anyone , Veer left to Pakistan , though an Indian Air Force pilot is prohibited to come to Pakistan . Zaara 's maid , Shabbo , welcomed Veer in the train station , and gave him a place to stay in . Zaara 's wedding is tomorrow . Veer appeared in the middle of Zaara 's house . Zaara ran and hugged him . Zaara 's dad fainted when he saw this . Raza started searching for Veer everywhere in Pakistan . Zaara 's mom predicted where Shabbo will be hiding Veer . Being a good mother and a wife , Zaara 's mom begged Veer to leave town and let this wedding pass . Zaara 's dad won 't be able to bear the shame . He will lose in politics and will die since he can 't handle more shocks . Veer promised Zaara 's mom to talk to Zaara and will end everything . The next day , Veer decided to leave his love in Pakistan and disappear to India . Just before the bus will leave , a police came and took Veer to the police station . The Pakistani police forced Veer to sign on a paper and to claim to be another person who is sending Pakistani information to India . Raza prepared everything to prison Veer . Veer could get witnesses , but he didn 't want to ruin Zaara 's wedding and life . He had no choice but to sign that paper . The bus that was Veer on , made an accident before it reached India and nobody survived . Veer 's name was on the passenger 's list . His parents and Zaara thought that Veer died . As a matter of fact , that person scarified 22 years of his life in prison to honor and grace Zaara 's name . The lawyer begged Veer to get someone from Zaara 's family as a witness or to mention Zaara 's name . But Veer honorably refused under any circumstances to mention Zaara 's name . Veer said that Zaara by now will be the mother of two children one 21 years and the other 19 years . The lawyer decided to go to India to bring Veer 's identity from his country . When the lawyer asked for Veer 's parents , she was told that they died long time ago . But she can always visit the house , it is always open . When she reached there she saw kids playing around , more like a kindergarten . She turned her back and wanted to leave , as she heard someone calling : " Zaara , Zaara . " She was shocked and started looking who 's Zaara ? Shabbo was there too . The lawyer fell crying on the floor and asked Shabbo what have happened . Shabbo explained that after hearing about Veer 's death , Zaara called off the marriage . Zaara 's father himself got her divorced . Zaara came to India to help Veer 's parents achieve Veer 's dream come true . Zaara 's father left politics , and two years later died . A few years later , Zaara 's mother also died . Even though Veer 's parents died as well but Zaara won 't go back to Pakistan . Veer who so easily scarified 22 years of his life to protect Zaara 's honor , and Zaara who spent 22 years of her life in a strange land to keep Veer 's dream alive . God has been testing Veer and Zaara intensely . The lawyer took Zaara to the court . Zaara 's testimony , photographs , and documents presented by her proved the identity of Veer . The Pakistani court exonerates Veer , and the state of Pakistan and the Pakistani court asked for Veer 's forgiveness . Veer married Zaara and pointed a red spot on her forehead . India was waiting for Veer . Veer took Zaara 's hand to continue what 's left of life with her . Posted on February 22 , 2013 by Sally Mekkaoui Something has happened last week that hadn 't happened in 598 years . I am pretty sure it has occurred few in all human history . Pope 's resignation has surprised us all . Pope Benedict XVI will be ruling until 8 p . m . Rome time on Feb . 28 , 2012 . The purpose of his resignation was due to health issues . Many rumors are up on the reason of his resignation , but I really do not care why . Whether he 's resigning due to health issues or political issues or whatever that was , I was really astonished . Someone important like him who thought of resignation made me ashamed of our most Arab political leaders . When the Pope found himself unable to rule anymore , he decided to give this responsibility to someone else . Most of the Arab leaders are ready to kill and murder their people , ruin their countries , destroy their citizens ' houses , devastate mosques and churches , and maybe will sell their wives and children just to hang on their position . I don 't get why they stay if their people don 't want them to . Are they that emotionless ? Are they that heartless ? We are all from Adam and Eve , but why fate chooses political leaders specifically to be that rude , fake , mean , cruel , and nasty . It 's not fate who chooses those kinds of people , well it 's us . I always think that what if the bombs they throw on the streets , in public places , or in random houses explode in one of their children . What will their reaction be ? How would they feel ? Oh ! I forgot that they are heartless . To the Pope , I congratulate you for your courage and bravery . To some of the Arab leaders , I am ashamed to have you ; I am more ashamed to call you an Arab . Our Arab grandfathers haven 't taught us that epic that is happening now ! ! I laid my head on the pillow and started revising some macroeconomics and history . I had two finals the next day . I put the alarm on 5 a . m . so I would have some time to revise . It was 11 : 30 p . m . , and I was trying to fall asleep within the next 15 minutes . Suddenly the home phone rang in the living room . Everyone else in the family had fallen asleep already , so no one other than me had to pick up the stupid phone . At first I was like let the phone ring as much as it wants . Then I though again ; my grandmother had cancer , so what if my aunts want something urgently . I ran and answered before they hung up . " Hellllllllllllllo " . I answered half sleepy . " Yes Sally , please give me your mom . " It was my aunt that was staying with my grandmother . I don 't why my heart started beating fast . My aunt told my mom that my grandmother was dying and she started saying verses from the Quran . My mother didn 't understand those words quickly so she went back to bed and woke up my father . I started crying uncontrollably and put my clothes on . I also found my parents ready to leave . I went and said , " Waiiiiiiittttt , " I 'm going with you . They said you have finals tomorrow and you have to stay with your sister and brother , but I insisted to go . On the way to my grandmother I continued crying , but hid my tears and didn 't show them to my parents . It was 12 a . m . Tuesday , Dec . 18 , 2012 . I made sure to know the time and date very well , in case something unfortunate happened , I 'll always remember this date . I started looking outside the window and noticed how there was no one outside . I noticed that it was a very gloomy night . Darkness and silence covered everywhere . We reached my grandmother 's house . I was surprised that my cousins opened the door for us . I found my aunt 's husband and her two children were there . I waited till my father and mother went to her room ; I was scared to enter the room . When they entered , I followed them . My aunts had lit a small globe in the room , so there was a little bit of yellow light . My two aunts , my mother , and my father were gathered around the bed . I came to see what was happening to her . Why did they say she is dying ? I found her sleeping in the bed and her eyes were closed , but she was talking to us . I touched her legs ; they freezing cold , I cried and told them , " They 're cold ! ! ! ! ! ! " They shushed me up , I thought maybe they don 't want to tell my grandmother that she 's dying . I came forward and kissed my grandmother 's cheeks , and I went outside the room and started crying . I kept going outside and inside the room to follow every step . Whenever I came in I saw my aunts and my mother holding her hands , kissing her , and hugging her . My grandmother has four girls , so my mother , my aunt , and my other aunt were standing in front of the bed . My grandmother asked , " You 're three . Where is the fourth ? " We kept on calling my aunt but she was sleeping and all her phones were on silent . But we told my grandmother that she 's on her way and she 's coming . My father came into the room ; he started talking to my grandmother . My grandmother asked my father to put her on the couch ; they all said " Not now . Later on we 'll put you there . " I think cancer started in her bones ; that 's why she couldn 't move the day before . When my grandmother insisted to go to the couch , they all carried her and put her on her favorite couch . Allah 's name didn 't leave her mouth . All the time she was praying to Allah and saying verses from the Quran . I grabbed a small bottle of water and started pouring some water into her mouth from the bottle 's small cap . Whenever I poured water , she opened her mouth for more . I poured water three times . I touched her neck and it was very warm , she was sweating , but her body parts were freezing . My third aunt came , my cousin woke up my cousin , and this cousin woke up her mom . That is how we woke her up . They asked us all to leave her room so she could die peacefully and alone . My smallest aunt and I refused to leave the room . My aunt was sitting on the floor and I was standing beside her . I grabbed turquoise prayer beads and gave it to my grandmother so she could pray to Allah . Then she dropped the prayer beads on the floor . I called my aunt . We found her blinking her eye lids and she vomited a brown liquid . That happened at 1 a . m . The moment we saw that , my aunt fell on the floor and I barely started breathing . I couldn 't understand what I just saw , I felt that I was going to faint or pass out . It was a harsh situation . My grandmother died in front of my eyes . Everyone was crying around me , but no one started shouting because it is prohibited in Islam . An hour later they changed my grandmother 's clothes . She wore a white sleeping dress and a white veil . After falling asleep in the bus , Mohamad 's friend woke him up when they reached Saida . They both had a tough day at the university . From 8 a . m . to 3 p . m . classes all day long and a nonstop break . Reaching home rapidly , Mohamad directly went to the bathroom to have a refreshing shower . Mohamad 's mother was preparing pizza , his favorite meal , for lunch . In a hurry , Mohamad had four pieces of pizza then directly took a taxi and reached the Red Cross at 6 p . m . Smelling the coffee from outside , Mohamad started screaming , " Don 't add sugar to my coffee , " he would always remind Bahij of that . Bahij was as well one of the Red Cross volunteers . Bahij was in charge of making coffee ; all the volunteers agreed that there was no tastier coffee than his coffee . Red Cross volunteers were supposed to volunteer one day per week only and it was from 6 p . m . to 8 a . m . A little bit of caffeine and a little bit of nicotine boosted the volunteers with a little bit of energy . Talking and chatting on that night made time pass so quickly . Each one of the seven volunteers talked about what they had encountered throughout their day . They were all neighbors but came from different universities ; this made the conversation more exciting . By 10 p . m . , they couldn 't handle the fatigue . Six volunteers decided to sleep , and there was one volunteer called Hisham who had the day off at the university , so he wasn 't sleepy at all . Hisham suggested staying awake to take emergency calls . Hisham barely watched TV since the snoring of the six volunteers was really a loud symphony . As the clock in the end of the corridor beeped at 12 a . m . , the loud telephone rang strongly as well . Even though the volunteers were not new , the phone always had its own suspense . Hisham answered the phone quickly and got as much information as he could : name , emergency situation , address , and phone numbers . Beside the clock in the end of the corridor , there was a bell just like the school bell . Hisham rang the bell to wake up the other six volunteers . The volunteers usually slept in their uniforms , so all they had to do was wash their faces , put on their ranger shoes , and just go out to help . Mohamad , Bahij , and Hisham went to the emergency , the other three went back to sleep in case there was another emergency , and one stayed awake to take the phone calls . Hisham usually drove the ambulance because he took a course in driving it . Bahij was sitting beside Hisham , and Mohamad was in the back preparing himself . Mohamad wore the gloves , gave gloves to Bahij and Hisham , pulled the first aid kit , opened some bandages , and prepared the Betadin ( solution for cleaning minor wounds ) . It usually takes 15 minutes from the center to the spot but with an ambulance driver it took eight minutes . When they arrived , they found four people and they claimed to be family members . Darkness covered the whole area . The person was stuck in the valley . Mohamad described the distance downward as about 200 meters . Hisham put the ambulance in a position to make light spread through the valley . Mohamad and Bahij took the stretcher and started jumping downwards from one terraced slope to another level . Mashing some grass with their rangers , jumping on some rocks , and moving away some branches with their hands to make the road clear . Finally , after a long journey , Mohamad and Bahij reached the bottom of the valley . A person who was no older than 16 years laid flat on the ground . His body was all blood . That teenager had torn clothes and a scratched body . A bullet went through his head . Mohamad and Bahij carried him cautiously to lay him on the stretcher . " He 's still breathing , he 's still breathing , " Mohamad screamed happily . But he saw a pink liquid running out of his ears and that means he had a broken skull . Mohamad put his hand on his skull and all his hand went through . Mohamad described his skull by saying that " My hand would almost touch his face , no bones , no skull , just nothing . " Even though Mohamad and Bahij had to be careful while holding the body , they reached the top of the mountain fast to save the teenager . Only one person from the teenager 's family was allowed to ride the ambulance , so the father suggested going with them . Mohamad , Bahij , and the father were in the back of the ambulance doing some first aid . The teenager was dying , but Mohamad and Bahij said nothing , they left this message for the hospital to deliver it . Mohamad and Bahij were communicating with their eyes . By the time they reached the hospital , it was 12 : 45 a . m . The teenager was dead in the stretcher . Not saying a single word to the teenager 's parents , they delivered the body to the hospital and returned to the center . On their way back , the three volunteers were guessing who could have shot the teenager and what have happened to him . Mohamad directly took a shower , wore another clean uniform , and went to sleep again after a tiring night .

William didn 't tell anyone that the baby spoke to him . Who would believe it ? Instead he ran away . His parents would probably be angry , but what else could he do ? The Menskrs had lived in the apartment downstairs for years and had been trying to have a baby for as long as anyone could remember . So William 's mother insisted they all pay a congratulatory visit that day and see the new arrival . William hadn 't much been interested , but going along was easier than arguing . He lingered over the crib while his parents and the Menskrs talked in the living room . He had never really watched a baby for any length of time before . It was kind of ugly , but he guessed newborns always were . The little tyke ( " Foster , " what kind of name is that for a kid ? ) had been asleep most of the time , but now he opened his scrunched - up little eyes , gurgled and tried to wave his stubby arms , which even William had to admit was pretty cute . Then something happened : The baby 's expression changed . Most of the time a newborn doesn 't have any real expression at all unless it 's smiling , crying , or about to cry . But William could swear that the baby really was looking right at him and thinking , considering , pondering , in a way that was impossible . He tried to tell himself it was all in his head and was just about ready to believe it when , plain as day , the baby opened its mouth and spoke in a voice that was strong and clear and nothing at all like the voice of a child : " You have to go home , William , " it said . His first instinct was to scream . Instead he stood there , paralyzed . The baby watched him , its cold little eyes filled with sagacity , and then it repeated : " You have to go home . " And then William ran . He was sure that if he called for his parents or the Menskrs the baby would not speak to them , for surely it had waited until they were alone on purpose ? And what could he tell them ? How could he explain ? Even he didn 't understand what had just happened . He ran from the apartment and from the building and all the way to the park down the street . There he found a small playground , empty of children in the early evening hours before dark , and sat on a swing , kicking the dirt and thinking about what he should do . First , he would never go back to the Menskr 's again . And he would never tell anyone what happened with the baby ; especially not his parents . It would be the last straw . He knew what they thought of him : They never said anything , but he knew that they , like almost everyone else , had never been comfortable around him . His mother , almost 40 weeks pregnant now after 18 years of trying to have a second child , would often smile at her friends and say , " We always wanted … another one . " There was always a pause before " another one , " as if she had to remind herself she had one son already . It wasn 't that his parents didn 't love him . But it was the kind of love you might feel for a distant relative with whom you occasionally correspond . Not long after the new baby was due , William would leave for college , and he imagined it would be like he 'd never been there at all . He just wanted to keep things together until then ; to make his last weeks at home semi - pleasant and semi - normal for everyone . So , no telling his parents about the hallucination ( if that 's what it was ) , and certainly no telling the Menskrs . He 'd keep it to himself , like everything else . It was better that way . It was getting darker . He thought he should go home , but the dread of explaining to his parents why he 'd run off made his feet drag . The creaking of the swing set 's chains seemed louder now , so he stopped moving . Maybe I can just stay here , he thought . Just never move from this spot , and become part of the landscape . He 'd always liked the park . He imagined sitting at the feet of one of the concourse statues and , over days and weeks , slowly petrifying into a bronze just like it . Or maybe he could just wander off the path into one of those thick glens of trees with the spidery limbs and keep walking and walking in it until it swallowed him up and he disappeared forever . It was not a pleasant thought , but it was not unpleasant either . It just was . " I was walking by and I saw you sitting , " she said . " Thought I 'd say hello . You okay ? " Nissa said . She came a few steps closer , peering at him . He opened his mouth to say , " Yeah , " but instead he said , " No . Not at all . " He always had trouble lying to Nissa . When his parents asked him how his day was , he would say fine and change the subject . But when Nissa asked , he really answered . She was the same age as him and lived in the apartment upstairs . Her bedroom was even right over his , he knew , though he had never seen it . She had four younger brothers and they all lived with just their father . Her father , William knew , lived off of disability and drank too much , though he never seemed to shout or hurt the kids . Mostly just sat and drank beer after beer all day long . Nissa minded her brothers . She 'd never gone to school , as far as William knew . He saw her infrequently , but always wished he 'd see her more . " I 'm going to hang out in the concourse for a while , " she said . " Want to come ? " Nissa shrugged . " It 's one of the only times I get to leave the house . Dad is passed out , the little ones are asleep , and the older kids can watch TV for an hour before bed on their own without burning the place down . So I took a walk . Join me ? " They had to take the underpass beneath the hill . It wasn 't that long , but at night it was so pitch black that it seemed endless . He wanted to take Nissa 's hand but instead he shoved his own hands in his pockets . When he came out the other side he saw that Nissa was already clear on the other side of the plaza . How had she gotten so far ahead of him ? He ran to catch up , past the empty fountains and the blank - eyed statues of Beethoven and Father Serra . When he was a kid he used to imagine he heard the statues talking . It scared the shit out of him . His mother convinced him he was just hearing echoes , and he guessed she was right . But even now they gave him the willies . Nissa led him to a garden on a side path . It was a simple , pretty little space , mostly used for weddings . A bust of Shakespeare sat at one end and a few plaques with quotes from plays decorated the walls . It was too dark to read them , but Nissa seemed to know the quotations by heart , and she whispered the words to him as they stood side by side , going from each to each . He didn 't really understand what the lines meant , but the feeling of Nissa 's warm breath on his cheek was pleasant . She read the last one twice : " What happened to you today , William ? " Nissa said . William blinked , and the spell of the moment was broken . He shuffled his feet and looked away , letting go of her hand . " I asked before if you were okay and you said no . And you looked scared when I ran into you . So I thought something might be wrong . " William scratched the back of his head , wondering what to say . He could not - would not - lie to Nissa , but he couldn 't very well tell her the truth about the baby and whatever other crazy things were going on . " Have you ever had a day where you weren 't sure what was really happening ? " he said . He wasn 't sure if she was making fun of him . In the dark her face was a big black spot , impossible to read . Maybe he shouldn 't have said anything at all ? In fact , what was he even doing out here ? It was the middle of the night , and his parents would be worried sick . " I have to go , " he said , backing away . For a second he thought he felt her fingertips brush his , as if she 'd reached for his hand in the moment he started to leave . " You do ? " But he was already gone . He didn 't run this time . He 'd lived long enough to know that no matter how fast you run , you can never get away from yourself . But he walked as speedily as he could . He made it to the underpass before realizing what had been bothering him all this time . Someone had followed them . He must have heard the trailing footsteps without really being aware of it . But now , just at the mouth of the tunnel , the stalker revealed himself . William was grateful that it was too dark to really see , because the little he could make out was bad enough . It was a big man ; no , a HUGE man , at least eight feet tall . The stranger 's head was the size of a safe , and it seemed his jaw protruded underneath a bulbous , cartoonish nose . It was a shaggy thing too , covered in hair except for its face and hands . Those hands looked big enough to close over William 's entire head . But its eyes were small , out of proportion with the rest of it , just little flecks of green set beneath an ape - like brow , eyes so bright that they showed up even in the dark . William froze . It 's a monster , he thought , a real monster , standing in the mouth of the tunnel . It was looking right at him . And , just when William really thought things couldn 't get any worse , the monster said his name : It was late . William was in bed , thinking . The lamp was on and he was supposed to be reading , but the book lay open on his lap , unseen . His parents were already asleep when he got home , which surprised him , and there was no note for him , which surprised him even more . Now he lay awake and looked at the ceiling . He guessed Nissa must be there , right over his head in the little apartment she lived in with five other people . Was she thinking about him too ? He wished he hadn 't left her today . Of course , that had at least as much to do with what he saw when he was alone again as with his worry that he 'd hurt her feelings . The tunnel monster had disappeared almost as soon as William started running , flickering out of sight so quickly that , like with the baby earlier , he couldn 't be sure later whether it had really happened at all . But no . He stopped himself there . Even in his fantasies he never dared dream of being kissed . But he did imagine Nissa pushing him up against the brick wall , tugging his belt off , and sliding his pants down his legs . He tried to imagine what her hands would feel like , or her lips . He imagined running his fingers through her hair and the sting of the evening air on his exposed body as she pulled his pants down lower and reached into the flap of his underwear . Would her hands be cold , he wondered ? Would his body warm them up ? He reached for his cock and held it the way he guessed she would . He was even careful to always use his left hand ; she was left handed , and so was he , the only left - handed person in his family . It pleased him to know they had this little thing in common . What would she say ? He knew what the women in those movies on the Internet said , but he couldn 't imagine Nissa that way . Unless of course she watched those same movies ? The thought sent a surge through his body and he closed his eyes , trying to imagine all the sensory details that he could , from the feeling of the rough brick wall to the brush of her blouse against his naked thighs , the slippery feeling of her lip gloss as she put her mouth against him ( he was particularly proud of thinking about the lip gloss ) , and the delicious tension as she ran the tip of her tongue around and around the head of his - He thought about how her mouth would feel : warm and wet , obviously , and soft , but what about her tongue ? How would it move ? How would he feel when it did ? How hard would she actually suck ? And what would she look like ? Would her eyes be open or closed ? He pictured himself brushing the hair back off of her forehead ; this seemed like an important gesture . He imagined himself moving , pushing with his hips . He thought about her mouth , and his ( cock ) and the movement of his hips and the thrill of knowing that they were together , finally together , in the ultimate way . But would she want him ? Really want him ? Would she want that part of him ? Was that possible ? Maybe he had it all wrong . Maybe he should have her lie down on the soft grass in the garden and pull her panties down so he could put his mouth and tongue between them , then lick her until she was wet all over ? Would she moan ? Would she say his name ? He wanted that acknowledgement . He wanted to feel those things happen to her and know that he was the one doing it . And he wanted her to want him to come inside her , to hold her against him and slide his , his ( cock ) into her wet pussy , and , oh God , he wanted to fuck - His train of thought crashed to a halt the same way it always did : with a spasm , a feeling like a firecracker going off , and then a mess that had to be cleaned up . He blushed , quietly ashamed . The aftermath of his fantasies always seemed inadequate to him . William went to the hamper and found a pair of discarded briefs to wipe himself with . When he finished he went to open the window and get some night air , but when he pulled the blinds up he screamed , then fell over , then scampered away . There , in the window , as if waiting for him , was the monster from the park . And worse , it wasn 't alone . The second creature looked very like the first , but was somewhat shorter and had finer features , and the hair that covered it had soft gold highlights . The pair of them were so big that only their heads and the tops of their shoulders were visible through the window frame . How are they even looking in , thought William ? We 're on the seventh floor ! The male creature , the one William saw in the park , said , " Hello , William . " This was too much . He jumped up and ran for the door , meaning to scream for his parents , but stopped himself . He was sure the monsters would be gone by the time he brought anyone else in . Besides , was this really happening or was he losing it again ? He pressed his face against the cool wood of the door , feeling the texture of the paint , reassured by the tangibility of something solid . Just take a deep breath , he told himself . The world will start making sense again soon . I hope … They paused . " It would be easier if you would let us in … " said the male one . William wondered why they didn 't just break in . Did they need to be invited in first , like vampires ? Or maybe , he thought , they just don 't want to scare me more than they already have … " For what ? " William said , almost shouting . He didn 't wait for an answer but instead dashed across the room , seized the blinds , and pulled them down over the monster 's faces . A ridiculous gesture , but it was all he could do . His heart pounded as he waited to see how they would react . When the male monster spoke again , his voice was so soft it was barely audible over the wind : William woke up the next morning and looked at the window in a panic , but of course there was nothing there . The blinds were up again , somehow , but there was nothing out there to see except morning sun and the face of the building across the street . He rubbed his eyes , wondering if it had all been a dream . Maybe even the baby and the park and Nissa had been a dream too . He went out to breakfast , but when he sat down the feeling of dread come back to him . He 'd forgotten all about running away without explanation the other day , and how his parents had still not confronted him about it . But to his surprise his mother only gave him a thin smile , and his father , busy in the kitchen , seemed downright cheerful . Neither mentioned his behavior at the Menskr 's . They ate in silence . Which is to say , William 's parents were silent to him . Conversation between the two of them was lively enough , with talk about the Menskr baby , and about work , and about William 's aunt 's upcoming 50th birthday , and as always about the new baby . William 's mother was so big now that she barely fit at the table , and she rested her hands on her swollen belly , feeling for movement . William thought about how strange an unborn baby is : half in the world , half out of it . It was Saturday and he was free to do whatever he wanted after breakfast . He thought about going upstairs to see Nissa . He didn 't stop by her place very often , if for no other reason than to avoid her father 's sad , disturbing eyes , but he wanted to see if she remembered their encounter from the previous night . But of course , he was afraid to also . Instead he decided to go to the library . It was partly an excuse to get out of the house , but he also had a particular book in mind that he wanted to look up , one that , if it was still there after all these years , might confirm whether or not the things he was seeing lately were real … He told his parents he was going out and his mother stopped to kiss him on the cheek . She had only ever kissed him on the cheek . His father told him to be home before it was dark , but that was all . He took the bus to the Western Addition branch and , feeling a bit sheepish about it , went to the children 's section . He was lucky enough to find the book he wanted , the book he 'd liked so much as a child , and he sat down in a quiet corner with it . Inside were vivid illustrations of fairy tale creatures : wizened gnomes , shy , knowing fairies , shadowy dwarfs , and one image that had particularly frightened his as a child of a huge , lantern - jawed ogre , roasting meat over a fire . He paused at the ogre illustration . It was similar , but not quite what he was looking for . On the next page , he found it : a painting of a beautiful woman sitting on a tree stump , surrounded by huge , shaggy creatures with long faces and enormous noses . Three of them seemed to be men and the fourth was a stooped , old - woman monster . It was called , " The Princess and the Trolls " , and the caption read : Troll . He turned the word over and over in his mind . It seemed right , somehow . The illustration certainly looked like the monsters from the previous day . They were almost identical , in fact . But were there really such things as trolls in this day and age ? He turned the page and there was another troll illustration , this one of a woodcutter who seemed to have just freed a troll from under a fallen tree . The caption said : The word " changeling " rang a faint remembrance in William 's mind . He put the picture book back , then browsed the other shelves until he found a book on Celtic folk stories . Looking up " changeling " in the index , he went to the relevant page : " There is particularly pronounced belief among the laboring classes that children are vulnerable to abduction by fairies . Supposedly the sidhe creatures will steal a child out of its crib and replace it with one of their own , and this substitute is what they know as a ' changeling . ' The fairy will pose as the stolen child for some time before seeming to die ( but in fact simply returning back to its own fairy family ) , sometimes causing mischief before it departs . " William pondered what he 'd read . The trolls had said they wanted his help getting their son back . Were they talking about the Menskr baby ? The changeling book was about fairies , but maybe trolls and fairies were the same thing ? So had the trolls stolen the real Menskr baby and left a changeling in its place ? Why would they come to William for help getting it back ? Because the baby spoke to him , of course , but why him in the first place ? He returned the books and took the bus home . His reading made him feel better , somehow . At least now he had a name for what was happening , and some information that almost made sense . He considered going for a walk in the park and seeing if he encountered anything again , but decided there was no need . They knew where to find him , after all . All he had to do was wait . They came back that night . William went to the window and even opened it , confident that if they wanted to hurt him they 'd had plenty of opportunities already . The fog was hovering low tonight and it drifted , cold and wet , into his room . " I won 't help you , " he said . " Downstairs in the Menskrs ' apartment . And you need me to do something so you can go and get him back . But what about the Menskrs ' real son ? Why did you take him ? " " It 's the way of things , " said the troll father . " It 's how we get by . There are so few of us left anymore , and it 's so hard for us to have children of our own . " " It 's easy for humans , " said the troll mother . Bitterness tinted her voice . " They could just have another baby without even trying . Not like us . " William thought about what it would be like growing up among monsters , always knowing that you 're different but never knowing where you come from or what happened to you , never knowing that somewhere out there were people who loved you and never forgot about you . His heart hardened . The pair pleaded a bit longer , but when William refused to relent they eventually vanished . He shivered and rubbed his bare arms , then went to close the blinds . Just before he did , he heard it : the sound of a creaky window frame sliding shut and latching right over his head . Was that Nissa ? Her bedroom was right above his ; had her window been open ? Had she heard everything ? His heart did little jumps at the thought of her . That was normal , but now there was an even more special reason : If Nissa had been eavesdropping , William would finally , completely know that the trolls were real . He stared at the ceiling again and imagined Nissa lying in bed right over him . He turned to his side and scooted over , leaving one half of the bed empty . He imagined she might be lying on the other side of her own bed right over him , so that it would almost be like they were sleeping side by side . In the night , in his sleep , one of his hands dangled off the bed , and the other reached out for her , even though she was never really there . It was Sunday . His parents had church on Sundays , though for reasons he was never entirely clear on they 'd never even suggested he accompany them . William didn 't mind . He figured there might as well be some upside to their disinterest in him . He watched his mother smooth the fabric of her one and only good dress that still fit . His father kissed her and then turned to William , apparently about to say something , but his words faltered . He ended up just patting William on the shoulder and giving him half a smile . William knew what it meant : Have a good day . We 'll be back soon . He waited for them to leave the building , then slapped on his shoes , fumbled his keys in the lock , and vaulted up the stairs two at a time . It was a lucky break that they 'd left him alone . He neither wanted to lie to them nor tell him where he was going . He was afraid Nissa 's father might answer when he knocked , but instead Nissa herself came . She was obviously surprised to see him but not , he noted with some satisfaction , displeased . " Hey , " he said , and they paused for a moment , both unsure of what to do . Then he said , " Can I come in ? " and she opened the door for him . It was abnormally dark inside , as he remembered it always was the few other times he 'd been here . He heard the sounds of a TV , but they were faint . Nissa locked the door and took William by the hand . He got a little lightheaded . Down boy , he thought . " Come on , " she said , pulling him down the hall . " Let 's talk in my room . " " I know , right ? " Nissa said , rolling her eyes . " It surprised me too . He said he felt bad about how I had to do all the work around here . I mean , he says that all the time , and I 'm sure he even really means it , but this is the first time he 's ever done anything . He said I should just relax while everyone is out . I don 't think I even know how ! " When they got to her room she flopped down on the bed while William stood half - in and half - out of the doorway , hands in his pockets . He had never seen Nissa 's room ( or any girl 's room ) before . It was curiously bare , with little furniture and virtually no decoration . He guessed she didn 't really spend much time in here . Half the walls were a different color , suggesting a painting project that had been abandoned . The window was open , and it jogged his memory about why he 'd come . He realized Nissa was talking , and had been talking the whole time , but that he had no idea what she was saying : William cleared his throat and tried to talk but all that came out was a croak . He blushed , but she didn 't laugh at him , instead quieting and waiting for him to speak . He swallowed hard and tried again . " I wanted to talk to you because … some weird things have been happening to me lately . " When he looked back he was shocked to see how horrified Nissa looked . She put a hand over her mouth and nodded , and then she said , " I 've seen them too . They come to my window at night . Oh God , I thought I was losing my mind ! " Without thinking , William put an arm around her . Nissa leaned into him until she could talk again . " I thought I was alone , " she said . " Me too , " said William . Taking a deep breath , he told her everything that 'd happened since the Menskr 's apartment . Her eyes got wider and wider as he talked . " I had no idea about the Menskr 's baby , " Nissa said . " I just knew they kept asking me to help them with their son . I can 't believe they 'd really do something like that . I mean , they seemed … nice , in a way . " " They 're a family , " said Nissa . " I mean , they scare me , and I don 't want to help them , but have you seen the way the father looks when he talks about his son ? Have you heard the mother cry ? " William was suddenly very aware that her body was pressed against his . He felt the curved side of her right breast through her shirt . " At least we 're together now , " he said . " I mean , we 're in this together . " William had a heart attack . He was sure he must be having a heart attack . What else could this feeling be ? Oh God , he thought , please don 't faint . It was a second before his head cleared enough to realize he was kissing her back . As far as he could tell he had not died and she was not reacting with horror . So far this was exceeding his wildest expectations . So he kissed her again , and again , and again , and he didn 't stop her when she went to close the door . He shut his eyes and ran his hands over the sheets on the bed ( Nissa 's bed ! ) , trying to record all the little details of the moment , as if this experience might have to last him for a lifetime . Which , for all he knew , it would . She sat on his lap . He jumped and was not quite sure how to sit . She turned his face up to hers and kissed him one more time , which helped him relax a bit . Then she said , " I like you , William . " His mouth went too dry to talk . " You 're a nice boy . You know that , right ? " William blushed . Then Nissa leaned in and whispered in his ear : " But I don 't want you to be nice right now . It 's okay to be bad . I want you to . You have my permission . Understand ? " He froze . What the hell do you say to a thing like that ? Then she bit his ear , hard . Without thinking , he grabbed her by the hair and kissed her neck , his teeth brushing her bare skin . And he couldn 't believe it : she moaned ! She actually moaned , for real . So he did it again , and she moaned again , and soon he felt the pressure down below . Nissa rearranged herself on his lap to accommodate the growing obstruction . Somehow or another ( and he never was able to recall precisely when this happened ) , her shirt came off . William had never been anywhere in proximity to naked female breasts in his entire life ( his mother often made a point of the fact that he was a bottle - fed baby , though he was not really sure why it ever came up … ) . He felt like he 'd suddenly stumbled onto an actual pot of gold at the end of the rainbow . Initially he froze , but when he remembered what Nissa said at the beginning he snapped out of it . Though his fingers trembled he wrapped his hands around them and squeezed . They didn 't feel at all like he expected . Nissa winced . " Too hard ! " she said . William panicked and almost let go , but at the last second he simply eased off instead . Nissa purred . " That 's better , " she said . He licked one and she began rocking back and forth against him . She felt hot all over . So did he . The minutes that followed were characterized by a kind of blind , tentative , chaotic exploration . Sights and sounds and scents overlapped each other , blurring , mixing and overflowing . For a while one particular thing would swim to the forefront , like the taste of hot skin under his lips or the embarrassed but comfortable laughter when a garment got caught on something in the process of being removed . There was a period of time ( he couldn 't tell how long ) when he only watched the pupils of Nissa 's eyes as they expanded and retracted in response to some stimulation , and another when he was rapt by the soft pliability of her lips as they opened , closed , twitched , smiled , and formed themselves perfectly , sensually , to each letter of each word . And sometimes it was just the words themselves : " That feels good . Oh God , that feels good . William . William . Oh God , William … oh God , William … oh God ! " Now that he was certain this was really going to happen , he had to think . Was this her first time too ? It didn 't seem like it , but he was hardly qualified to tell . If it was her first time , he knew there would probably be a little blood . The thought made him queasy . He was not really sure what the … barrier in question looked like . He preferred to hope someone else had already taken care of it . He tried to think of a polite way to ask , but - Oh my God , he thought , her mouth is on my - ! At one point he somehow found himself standing behind her as she bent over the bed , grabbing the headboard and pushing back against him . His - ahem - was pressed between the cheeks of her ass , and she seemed to like when he rubbed it up and down . He watched the side of one cheek quiver ; it was almost hypnotic . Would she like it if he spanked her ? He had no idea . She might get angry … but then , she might not . How could he tell ? He guessed he could just ask , but what do you say to a thing like that ? Then Nissa reached down between her own legs , circling her fingers around his testicles and glancing against his erection , which he guided down . . . " No , that 's not quite it , " Nissa said . William blushed . " Sorry , " he said . " Hang on , I 'll help . " He felt something warm and wet . He tensed up and then , one inch at a time , untensed , as a wave of relief washed over him . He tested the feeling with one or two tentative movements , then dared to make a hard and heavy one , all the way in . He worried he might hurt her somehow , but it didn 't seem to be a problem . In fact , he felt her go even wetter around him . " Ohhh God … " Nissa said . " Mmmm , " was all William could say . But that was okay . She was talkative enough for both of them . After , Nissa lay in bed , sheets tangled up around her , dozing a little . William watched her . It really happened , he thought . He wasn 't sure how and he wasn 't sure why , but it had definitely happened . He didn 't feel any different … but maybe that was a good thing . He was suddenly very aware of his nakedness again . How long had they been at it ? Were his parents back ? Was her father ? Another heart attack seemed to be coming on . " I should go , " he said . She put a hand on his arm . He didn 't understand why she was so confident , given how long her family had already been gone and how rarely her father ever left the house for even 20 minutes . But at the same time he did not really want to leave any more than she wanted him to go . So he stayed . She was asleep again soon , and he watched her . She had a ponderous expression while she dreamed . It reminded him of the Menskr baby , in an odd way . Eventually he needed to use the bathroom . He put on his pants ( they had landed on the desk across the room ) and went through the apartment as quietly as he could , even though no one was around ( a habit from home ) . Nissa 's apartment was the same layout as his , so he went down the hall and hung a left . The floorboards creaked . Returning , William glanced into the living room , and then nearly fell over : Nissa 's father was sitting in his easy chair ! " Oh ! God , um , Mister … " He blanked ; what the hell was Nissa 's family 's name ? " Spenser ! " Was that right ? He 'd never even actually spoken to Nissa 's father before , just inched around that one chair he always sat in the few other times he 'd been in the apartment . He tried again . " Uh , hi sir . I 'm sorry , I was just … " Just what , he thought , walking around your apartment half - naked ? I 'm a dead man . But Mr . Spenser did not reply . He sat in his usual chair , beer in hand , staring at the window , now and then , raising his beer to his lips but otherwise doing nothing . When the can was empty he crushed it and tossed it on the floor , then pulled another one from the warm 12 - pack nearby . He acted as if William did not exist at all . " Hello ? " William said . He edged into the room . Something prickled at the back of his neck . Now he could see the TV and the backs of two kids ' heads as they watched , quiet and attentive . William was right next to Nissa 's father but the man didn 't seem aware of anything around him . His watery blue eyes never blinked . How could Mr . Spenser have come home again without William hearing anything ? Then William thought hard : Had Mr . Spenser ever said anything to him ? Had he ever even seen Mr . Spenser get up out of this chair ? He couldn 't remember . The prickly feeling got worse . Steeling his courage , William dared to tap Mr . Spenser on the arm . The man 's skin felt cold and hard , and his entire body rocked back and forth , as if it were a single , solid piece . William jumped . " What the fuck ? " he said . The man in the chair did not respond . William touched him again and Mr . Spenser slid out of the chair , rolling onto the floor with a thud . From the front , Mr . Spenser was a remarkable facsimile of a human being . Even now , lying on the floor , his face continued to move , his eyes blinked , and his arms and hands groped around , following the same preset motions over and over again , animated by whatever force gave the wooden figure a semblance of life . But he was only a façade : There was no back to him . He was hollow on the inside , half a person only , the illusion ruined the moment the puppet was taken out of the chair . William backed away from the grotesque , twitching thing and bumped right into the kids . One fell over , revealing that it , too , was only a carved simulacrum . The hollow figure rolled on the floor . William started to hyperventilate . " Fake people , " she continued . " I know they aren 't very good . I 'm not much of a craftsman . But I had to do something to make the place look lived - in . Most people never bother to look close at them anyway . " Nissa came toward him but he circled the room , keeping distance between them . " Let me explain , " she said . " We just want to help you . " William ran . Nissa was in his way , but she didn 't stop him . He ran out the door , leapt the stairs in one go , and was at his apartment in less time than it took to exhale . He fumbled in his pockets for his keys . His fingers felt fat and clumsy all of a sudden , and the lock gave him trouble . Finally he pushed the door in and then slammed it so hard it shook the wall . His mind reeled . He ran for the bathroom , thinking he was about to vomit . What was going on ? He felt strange : His muscles ached and his bones throbbed . His vision blurred and he dropped to his knees . Did she do something to me , he thought ? Am I poisoned ? His clothes grew tight around his body . He was suffocating ! William struggled to the bathroom door , and when he saw his own hand on the knob he finally realized what was happening . It was an hour before his parents came home , and it was sundown before they started to worry about him . He wanted to say something to reassure them , but he didn 't . He just watched them pace and cry and argue . He was three feet away , but they never realized he was there . He knew now how the trolls kept hidden : They could only be seen when they called attention to themselves . So long as William stayed very still and made little noise , no one even knew he was here . It seemed better that way . He watched them talk to the police . Eventually they fell asleep on the couch , exhausted , his mother 's head in his father 's lap . When he was sure they were completely out he approached , quietly , and put a hand on his mother 's pregnant belly . The baby stirred . There was noise behind him but he didn 't turn around . He felt the troll father put one hand on his shoulder , the troll mother 's hand on the other . " How are you feeling ? " said the troll father . " I 'm not sure , " William said . It was hard to talk : His mouth felt too big , and his teeth stuck out . He 'd get used to it eventually , he assumed . " We did the exchange years ago , " said the troll father . " We took the human baby and left you in its place , the way it 's always been done . But you were supposed to come back to us . For some reason , you didn 't . " " So many times we wanted to come and tell you the truth , " said the troll mother . " But we couldn 't find a way to break the charm that made you seem human . It should have worn off on its own , and when it didn 't … " She trailed off . William 's hand dashed tears away from his eyes . " Why did you do it ? " he said . " Why the switch ? Why leave me ? What 's the point ? " " It 's part of the magic , " said the troll father . " The fairy child is a charm that makes the human parents forget that they ever had a baby . To make it easier on them . " Hi I 'm Fred , from Nigeria Africa . In our native tongue , the changeling is called Ogbanje in the African folktales . They dies at a given time , come back to be born , then dies again and all that . And they don 't turn to trolls . An interesting piece . A huge boner killer though .

William didn 't tell anyone that the baby spoke to him . Who would believe it ? Instead he ran away . His parents would probably be angry , but what else could he do ? The Menskrs had lived in the apartment downstairs for years and had been trying to have a baby for as long as anyone could remember . So William 's mother insisted they all pay a congratulatory visit that day and see the new arrival . William hadn 't much been interested , but going along was easier than arguing . He lingered over the crib while his parents and the Menskrs talked in the living room . He had never really watched a baby for any length of time before . It was kind of ugly , but he guessed newborns always were . The little tyke ( " Foster , " what kind of name is that for a kid ? ) had been asleep most of the time , but now he opened his scrunched - up little eyes , gurgled and tried to wave his stubby arms , which even William had to admit was pretty cute . Then something happened : The baby 's expression changed . Most of the time a newborn doesn 't have any real expression at all unless it 's smiling , crying , or about to cry . But William could swear that the baby really was looking right at him and thinking , considering , pondering , in a way that was impossible . He tried to tell himself it was all in his head and was just about ready to believe it when , plain as day , the baby opened its mouth and spoke in a voice that was strong and clear and nothing at all like the voice of a child : " You have to go home , William , " it said . His first instinct was to scream . Instead he stood there , paralyzed . The baby watched him , its cold little eyes filled with sagacity , and then it repeated : " You have to go home . " And then William ran . He was sure that if he called for his parents or the Menskrs the baby would not speak to them , for surely it had waited until they were alone on purpose ? And what could he tell them ? How could he explain ? Even he didn 't understand what had just happened . He ran from the apartment and from the building and all the way to the park down the street . There he found a small playground , empty of children in the early evening hours before dark , and sat on a swing , kicking the dirt and thinking about what he should do . First , he would never go back to the Menskr 's again . And he would never tell anyone what happened with the baby ; especially not his parents . It would be the last straw . He knew what they thought of him : They never said anything , but he knew that they , like almost everyone else , had never been comfortable around him . His mother , almost 40 weeks pregnant now after 18 years of trying to have a second child , would often smile at her friends and say , " We always wanted … another one . " There was always a pause before " another one , " as if she had to remind herself she had one son already . It wasn 't that his parents didn 't love him . But it was the kind of love you might feel for a distant relative with whom you occasionally correspond . Not long after the new baby was due , William would leave for college , and he imagined it would be like he 'd never been there at all . He just wanted to keep things together until then ; to make his last weeks at home semi - pleasant and semi - normal for everyone . So , no telling his parents about the hallucination ( if that 's what it was ) , and certainly no telling the Menskrs . He 'd keep it to himself , like everything else . It was better that way . It was getting darker . He thought he should go home , but the dread of explaining to his parents why he 'd run off made his feet drag . The creaking of the swing set 's chains seemed louder now , so he stopped moving . Maybe I can just stay here , he thought . Just never move from this spot , and become part of the landscape . He 'd always liked the park . He imagined sitting at the feet of one of the concourse statues and , over days and weeks , slowly petrifying into a bronze just like it . Or maybe he could just wander off the path into one of those thick glens of trees with the spidery limbs and keep walking and walking in it until it swallowed him up and he disappeared forever . It was not a pleasant thought , but it was not unpleasant either . It just was . " I was walking by and I saw you sitting , " she said . " Thought I 'd say hello . You okay ? " Nissa said . She came a few steps closer , peering at him . He opened his mouth to say , " Yeah , " but instead he said , " No . Not at all . " He always had trouble lying to Nissa . When his parents asked him how his day was , he would say fine and change the subject . But when Nissa asked , he really answered . She was the same age as him and lived in the apartment upstairs . Her bedroom was even right over his , he knew , though he had never seen it . She had four younger brothers and they all lived with just their father . Her father , William knew , lived off of disability and drank too much , though he never seemed to shout or hurt the kids . Mostly just sat and drank beer after beer all day long . Nissa minded her brothers . She 'd never gone to school , as far as William knew . He saw her infrequently , but always wished he 'd see her more . " I 'm going to hang out in the concourse for a while , " she said . " Want to come ? " Nissa shrugged . " It 's one of the only times I get to leave the house . Dad is passed out , the little ones are asleep , and the older kids can watch TV for an hour before bed on their own without burning the place down . So I took a walk . Join me ? " They had to take the underpass beneath the hill . It wasn 't that long , but at night it was so pitch black that it seemed endless . He wanted to take Nissa 's hand but instead he shoved his own hands in his pockets . When he came out the other side he saw that Nissa was already clear on the other side of the plaza . How had she gotten so far ahead of him ? He ran to catch up , past the empty fountains and the blank - eyed statues of Beethoven and Father Serra . When he was a kid he used to imagine he heard the statues talking . It scared the shit out of him . His mother convinced him he was just hearing echoes , and he guessed she was right . But even now they gave him the willies . Nissa led him to a garden on a side path . It was a simple , pretty little space , mostly used for weddings . A bust of Shakespeare sat at one end and a few plaques with quotes from plays decorated the walls . It was too dark to read them , but Nissa seemed to know the quotations by heart , and she whispered the words to him as they stood side by side , going from each to each . He didn 't really understand what the lines meant , but the feeling of Nissa 's warm breath on his cheek was pleasant . She read the last one twice : " What happened to you today , William ? " Nissa said . William blinked , and the spell of the moment was broken . He shuffled his feet and looked away , letting go of her hand . " I asked before if you were okay and you said no . And you looked scared when I ran into you . So I thought something might be wrong . " William scratched the back of his head , wondering what to say . He could not - would not - lie to Nissa , but he couldn 't very well tell her the truth about the baby and whatever other crazy things were going on . " Have you ever had a day where you weren 't sure what was really happening ? " he said . He wasn 't sure if she was making fun of him . In the dark her face was a big black spot , impossible to read . Maybe he shouldn 't have said anything at all ? In fact , what was he even doing out here ? It was the middle of the night , and his parents would be worried sick . " I have to go , " he said , backing away . For a second he thought he felt her fingertips brush his , as if she 'd reached for his hand in the moment he started to leave . " You do ? " But he was already gone . He didn 't run this time . He 'd lived long enough to know that no matter how fast you run , you can never get away from yourself . But he walked as speedily as he could . He made it to the underpass before realizing what had been bothering him all this time . Someone had followed them . He must have heard the trailing footsteps without really being aware of it . But now , just at the mouth of the tunnel , the stalker revealed himself . William was grateful that it was too dark to really see , because the little he could make out was bad enough . It was a big man ; no , a HUGE man , at least eight feet tall . The stranger 's head was the size of a safe , and it seemed his jaw protruded underneath a bulbous , cartoonish nose . It was a shaggy thing too , covered in hair except for its face and hands . Those hands looked big enough to close over William 's entire head . But its eyes were small , out of proportion with the rest of it , just little flecks of green set beneath an ape - like brow , eyes so bright that they showed up even in the dark . William froze . It 's a monster , he thought , a real monster , standing in the mouth of the tunnel . It was looking right at him . And , just when William really thought things couldn 't get any worse , the monster said his name : It was late . William was in bed , thinking . The lamp was on and he was supposed to be reading , but the book lay open on his lap , unseen . His parents were already asleep when he got home , which surprised him , and there was no note for him , which surprised him even more . Now he lay awake and looked at the ceiling . He guessed Nissa must be there , right over his head in the little apartment she lived in with five other people . Was she thinking about him too ? He wished he hadn 't left her today . Of course , that had at least as much to do with what he saw when he was alone again as with his worry that he 'd hurt her feelings . The tunnel monster had disappeared almost as soon as William started running , flickering out of sight so quickly that , like with the baby earlier , he couldn 't be sure later whether it had really happened at all . But no . He stopped himself there . Even in his fantasies he never dared dream of being kissed . But he did imagine Nissa pushing him up against the brick wall , tugging his belt off , and sliding his pants down his legs . He tried to imagine what her hands would feel like , or her lips . He imagined running his fingers through her hair and the sting of the evening air on his exposed body as she pulled his pants down lower and reached into the flap of his underwear . Would her hands be cold , he wondered ? Would his body warm them up ? He reached for his cock and held it the way he guessed she would . He was even careful to always use his left hand ; she was left handed , and so was he , the only left - handed person in his family . It pleased him to know they had this little thing in common . What would she say ? He knew what the women in those movies on the Internet said , but he couldn 't imagine Nissa that way . Unless of course she watched those same movies ? The thought sent a surge through his body and he closed his eyes , trying to imagine all the sensory details that he could , from the feeling of the rough brick wall to the brush of her blouse against his naked thighs , the slippery feeling of her lip gloss as she put her mouth against him ( he was particularly proud of thinking about the lip gloss ) , and the delicious tension as she ran the tip of her tongue around and around the head of his - He thought about how her mouth would feel : warm and wet , obviously , and soft , but what about her tongue ? How would it move ? How would he feel when it did ? How hard would she actually suck ? And what would she look like ? Would her eyes be open or closed ? He pictured himself brushing the hair back off of her forehead ; this seemed like an important gesture . He imagined himself moving , pushing with his hips . He thought about her mouth , and his ( cock ) and the movement of his hips and the thrill of knowing that they were together , finally together , in the ultimate way . But would she want him ? Really want him ? Would she want that part of him ? Was that possible ? Maybe he had it all wrong . Maybe he should have her lie down on the soft grass in the garden and pull her panties down so he could put his mouth and tongue between them , then lick her until she was wet all over ? Would she moan ? Would she say his name ? He wanted that acknowledgement . He wanted to feel those things happen to her and know that he was the one doing it . And he wanted her to want him to come inside her , to hold her against him and slide his , his ( cock ) into her wet pussy , and , oh God , he wanted to fuck - His train of thought crashed to a halt the same way it always did : with a spasm , a feeling like a firecracker going off , and then a mess that had to be cleaned up . He blushed , quietly ashamed . The aftermath of his fantasies always seemed inadequate to him . William went to the hamper and found a pair of discarded briefs to wipe himself with . When he finished he went to open the window and get some night air , but when he pulled the blinds up he screamed , then fell over , then scampered away . There , in the window , as if waiting for him , was the monster from the park . And worse , it wasn 't alone . The second creature looked very like the first , but was somewhat shorter and had finer features , and the hair that covered it had soft gold highlights . The pair of them were so big that only their heads and the tops of their shoulders were visible through the window frame . How are they even looking in , thought William ? We 're on the seventh floor ! The male creature , the one William saw in the park , said , " Hello , William . " This was too much . He jumped up and ran for the door , meaning to scream for his parents , but stopped himself . He was sure the monsters would be gone by the time he brought anyone else in . Besides , was this really happening or was he losing it again ? He pressed his face against the cool wood of the door , feeling the texture of the paint , reassured by the tangibility of something solid . Just take a deep breath , he told himself . The world will start making sense again soon . I hope … They paused . " It would be easier if you would let us in … " said the male one . William wondered why they didn 't just break in . Did they need to be invited in first , like vampires ? Or maybe , he thought , they just don 't want to scare me more than they already have … " For what ? " William said , almost shouting . He didn 't wait for an answer but instead dashed across the room , seized the blinds , and pulled them down over the monster 's faces . A ridiculous gesture , but it was all he could do . His heart pounded as he waited to see how they would react . When the male monster spoke again , his voice was so soft it was barely audible over the wind : William woke up the next morning and looked at the window in a panic , but of course there was nothing there . The blinds were up again , somehow , but there was nothing out there to see except morning sun and the face of the building across the street . He rubbed his eyes , wondering if it had all been a dream . Maybe even the baby and the park and Nissa had been a dream too . He went out to breakfast , but when he sat down the feeling of dread come back to him . He 'd forgotten all about running away without explanation the other day , and how his parents had still not confronted him about it . But to his surprise his mother only gave him a thin smile , and his father , busy in the kitchen , seemed downright cheerful . Neither mentioned his behavior at the Menskr 's . They ate in silence . Which is to say , William 's parents were silent to him . Conversation between the two of them was lively enough , with talk about the Menskr baby , and about work , and about William 's aunt 's upcoming 50th birthday , and as always about the new baby . William 's mother was so big now that she barely fit at the table , and she rested her hands on her swollen belly , feeling for movement . William thought about how strange an unborn baby is : half in the world , half out of it . It was Saturday and he was free to do whatever he wanted after breakfast . He thought about going upstairs to see Nissa . He didn 't stop by her place very often , if for no other reason than to avoid her father 's sad , disturbing eyes , but he wanted to see if she remembered their encounter from the previous night . But of course , he was afraid to also . Instead he decided to go to the library . It was partly an excuse to get out of the house , but he also had a particular book in mind that he wanted to look up , one that , if it was still there after all these years , might confirm whether or not the things he was seeing lately were real … He told his parents he was going out and his mother stopped to kiss him on the cheek . She had only ever kissed him on the cheek . His father told him to be home before it was dark , but that was all . He took the bus to the Western Addition branch and , feeling a bit sheepish about it , went to the children 's section . He was lucky enough to find the book he wanted , the book he 'd liked so much as a child , and he sat down in a quiet corner with it . Inside were vivid illustrations of fairy tale creatures : wizened gnomes , shy , knowing fairies , shadowy dwarfs , and one image that had particularly frightened his as a child of a huge , lantern - jawed ogre , roasting meat over a fire . He paused at the ogre illustration . It was similar , but not quite what he was looking for . On the next page , he found it : a painting of a beautiful woman sitting on a tree stump , surrounded by huge , shaggy creatures with long faces and enormous noses . Three of them seemed to be men and the fourth was a stooped , old - woman monster . It was called , " The Princess and the Trolls " , and the caption read : Troll . He turned the word over and over in his mind . It seemed right , somehow . The illustration certainly looked like the monsters from the previous day . They were almost identical , in fact . But were there really such things as trolls in this day and age ? He turned the page and there was another troll illustration , this one of a woodcutter who seemed to have just freed a troll from under a fallen tree . The caption said : The word " changeling " rang a faint remembrance in William 's mind . He put the picture book back , then browsed the other shelves until he found a book on Celtic folk stories . Looking up " changeling " in the index , he went to the relevant page : " There is particularly pronounced belief among the laboring classes that children are vulnerable to abduction by fairies . Supposedly the sidhe creatures will steal a child out of its crib and replace it with one of their own , and this substitute is what they know as a ' changeling . ' The fairy will pose as the stolen child for some time before seeming to die ( but in fact simply returning back to its own fairy family ) , sometimes causing mischief before it departs . " William pondered what he 'd read . The trolls had said they wanted his help getting their son back . Were they talking about the Menskr baby ? The changeling book was about fairies , but maybe trolls and fairies were the same thing ? So had the trolls stolen the real Menskr baby and left a changeling in its place ? Why would they come to William for help getting it back ? Because the baby spoke to him , of course , but why him in the first place ? He returned the books and took the bus home . His reading made him feel better , somehow . At least now he had a name for what was happening , and some information that almost made sense . He considered going for a walk in the park and seeing if he encountered anything again , but decided there was no need . They knew where to find him , after all . All he had to do was wait . They came back that night . William went to the window and even opened it , confident that if they wanted to hurt him they 'd had plenty of opportunities already . The fog was hovering low tonight and it drifted , cold and wet , into his room . " I won 't help you , " he said . " Downstairs in the Menskrs ' apartment . And you need me to do something so you can go and get him back . But what about the Menskrs ' real son ? Why did you take him ? " " It 's the way of things , " said the troll father . " It 's how we get by . There are so few of us left anymore , and it 's so hard for us to have children of our own . " " It 's easy for humans , " said the troll mother . Bitterness tinted her voice . " They could just have another baby without even trying . Not like us . " William thought about what it would be like growing up among monsters , always knowing that you 're different but never knowing where you come from or what happened to you , never knowing that somewhere out there were people who loved you and never forgot about you . His heart hardened . The pair pleaded a bit longer , but when William refused to relent they eventually vanished . He shivered and rubbed his bare arms , then went to close the blinds . Just before he did , he heard it : the sound of a creaky window frame sliding shut and latching right over his head . Was that Nissa ? Her bedroom was right above his ; had her window been open ? Had she heard everything ? His heart did little jumps at the thought of her . That was normal , but now there was an even more special reason : If Nissa had been eavesdropping , William would finally , completely know that the trolls were real . He stared at the ceiling again and imagined Nissa lying in bed right over him . He turned to his side and scooted over , leaving one half of the bed empty . He imagined she might be lying on the other side of her own bed right over him , so that it would almost be like they were sleeping side by side . In the night , in his sleep , one of his hands dangled off the bed , and the other reached out for her , even though she was never really there . It was Sunday . His parents had church on Sundays , though for reasons he was never entirely clear on they 'd never even suggested he accompany them . William didn 't mind . He figured there might as well be some upside to their disinterest in him . He watched his mother smooth the fabric of her one and only good dress that still fit . His father kissed her and then turned to William , apparently about to say something , but his words faltered . He ended up just patting William on the shoulder and giving him half a smile . William knew what it meant : Have a good day . We 'll be back soon . He waited for them to leave the building , then slapped on his shoes , fumbled his keys in the lock , and vaulted up the stairs two at a time . It was a lucky break that they 'd left him alone . He neither wanted to lie to them nor tell him where he was going . He was afraid Nissa 's father might answer when he knocked , but instead Nissa herself came . She was obviously surprised to see him but not , he noted with some satisfaction , displeased . " Hey , " he said , and they paused for a moment , both unsure of what to do . Then he said , " Can I come in ? " and she opened the door for him . It was abnormally dark inside , as he remembered it always was the few other times he 'd been here . He heard the sounds of a TV , but they were faint . Nissa locked the door and took William by the hand . He got a little lightheaded . Down boy , he thought . " Come on , " she said , pulling him down the hall . " Let 's talk in my room . " " I know , right ? " Nissa said , rolling her eyes . " It surprised me too . He said he felt bad about how I had to do all the work around here . I mean , he says that all the time , and I 'm sure he even really means it , but this is the first time he 's ever done anything . He said I should just relax while everyone is out . I don 't think I even know how ! " When they got to her room she flopped down on the bed while William stood half - in and half - out of the doorway , hands in his pockets . He had never seen Nissa 's room ( or any girl 's room ) before . It was curiously bare , with little furniture and virtually no decoration . He guessed she didn 't really spend much time in here . Half the walls were a different color , suggesting a painting project that had been abandoned . The window was open , and it jogged his memory about why he 'd come . He realized Nissa was talking , and had been talking the whole time , but that he had no idea what she was saying : William cleared his throat and tried to talk but all that came out was a croak . He blushed , but she didn 't laugh at him , instead quieting and waiting for him to speak . He swallowed hard and tried again . " I wanted to talk to you because … some weird things have been happening to me lately . " When he looked back he was shocked to see how horrified Nissa looked . She put a hand over her mouth and nodded , and then she said , " I 've seen them too . They come to my window at night . Oh God , I thought I was losing my mind ! " Without thinking , William put an arm around her . Nissa leaned into him until she could talk again . " I thought I was alone , " she said . " Me too , " said William . Taking a deep breath , he told her everything that 'd happened since the Menskr 's apartment . Her eyes got wider and wider as he talked . " I had no idea about the Menskr 's baby , " Nissa said . " I just knew they kept asking me to help them with their son . I can 't believe they 'd really do something like that . I mean , they seemed … nice , in a way . " " They 're a family , " said Nissa . " I mean , they scare me , and I don 't want to help them , but have you seen the way the father looks when he talks about his son ? Have you heard the mother cry ? " William was suddenly very aware that her body was pressed against his . He felt the curved side of her right breast through her shirt . " At least we 're together now , " he said . " I mean , we 're in this together . " William had a heart attack . He was sure he must be having a heart attack . What else could this feeling be ? Oh God , he thought , please don 't faint . It was a second before his head cleared enough to realize he was kissing her back . As far as he could tell he had not died and she was not reacting with horror . So far this was exceeding his wildest expectations . So he kissed her again , and again , and again , and he didn 't stop her when she went to close the door . He shut his eyes and ran his hands over the sheets on the bed ( Nissa 's bed ! ) , trying to record all the little details of the moment , as if this experience might have to last him for a lifetime . Which , for all he knew , it would . She sat on his lap . He jumped and was not quite sure how to sit . She turned his face up to hers and kissed him one more time , which helped him relax a bit . Then she said , " I like you , William . " His mouth went too dry to talk . " You 're a nice boy . You know that , right ? " William blushed . Then Nissa leaned in and whispered in his ear : " But I don 't want you to be nice right now . It 's okay to be bad . I want you to . You have my permission . Understand ? " He froze . What the hell do you say to a thing like that ? Then she bit his ear , hard . Without thinking , he grabbed her by the hair and kissed her neck , his teeth brushing her bare skin . And he couldn 't believe it : she moaned ! She actually moaned , for real . So he did it again , and she moaned again , and soon he felt the pressure down below . Nissa rearranged herself on his lap to accommodate the growing obstruction . Somehow or another ( and he never was able to recall precisely when this happened ) , her shirt came off . William had never been anywhere in proximity to naked female breasts in his entire life ( his mother often made a point of the fact that he was a bottle - fed baby , though he was not really sure why it ever came up … ) . He felt like he 'd suddenly stumbled onto an actual pot of gold at the end of the rainbow . Initially he froze , but when he remembered what Nissa said at the beginning he snapped out of it . Though his fingers trembled he wrapped his hands around them and squeezed . They didn 't feel at all like he expected . Nissa winced . " Too hard ! " she said . William panicked and almost let go , but at the last second he simply eased off instead . Nissa purred . " That 's better , " she said . He licked one and she began rocking back and forth against him . She felt hot all over . So did he . The minutes that followed were characterized by a kind of blind , tentative , chaotic exploration . Sights and sounds and scents overlapped each other , blurring , mixing and overflowing . For a while one particular thing would swim to the forefront , like the taste of hot skin under his lips or the embarrassed but comfortable laughter when a garment got caught on something in the process of being removed . There was a period of time ( he couldn 't tell how long ) when he only watched the pupils of Nissa 's eyes as they expanded and retracted in response to some stimulation , and another when he was rapt by the soft pliability of her lips as they opened , closed , twitched , smiled , and formed themselves perfectly , sensually , to each letter of each word . And sometimes it was just the words themselves : " That feels good . Oh God , that feels good . William . William . Oh God , William … oh God , William … oh God ! " Now that he was certain this was really going to happen , he had to think . Was this her first time too ? It didn 't seem like it , but he was hardly qualified to tell . If it was her first time , he knew there would probably be a little blood . The thought made him queasy . He was not really sure what the … barrier in question looked like . He preferred to hope someone else had already taken care of it . He tried to think of a polite way to ask , but - Oh my God , he thought , her mouth is on my - ! At one point he somehow found himself standing behind her as she bent over the bed , grabbing the headboard and pushing back against him . His - ahem - was pressed between the cheeks of her ass , and she seemed to like when he rubbed it up and down . He watched the side of one cheek quiver ; it was almost hypnotic . Would she like it if he spanked her ? He had no idea . She might get angry … but then , she might not . How could he tell ? He guessed he could just ask , but what do you say to a thing like that ? Then Nissa reached down between her own legs , circling her fingers around his testicles and glancing against his erection , which he guided down . . . " No , that 's not quite it , " Nissa said . William blushed . " Sorry , " he said . " Hang on , I 'll help . " He felt something warm and wet . He tensed up and then , one inch at a time , untensed , as a wave of relief washed over him . He tested the feeling with one or two tentative movements , then dared to make a hard and heavy one , all the way in . He worried he might hurt her somehow , but it didn 't seem to be a problem . In fact , he felt her go even wetter around him . " Ohhh God … " Nissa said . " Mmmm , " was all William could say . But that was okay . She was talkative enough for both of them . After , Nissa lay in bed , sheets tangled up around her , dozing a little . William watched her . It really happened , he thought . He wasn 't sure how and he wasn 't sure why , but it had definitely happened . He didn 't feel any different … but maybe that was a good thing . He was suddenly very aware of his nakedness again . How long had they been at it ? Were his parents back ? Was her father ? Another heart attack seemed to be coming on . " I should go , " he said . She put a hand on his arm . He didn 't understand why she was so confident , given how long her family had already been gone and how rarely her father ever left the house for even 20 minutes . But at the same time he did not really want to leave any more than she wanted him to go . So he stayed . She was asleep again soon , and he watched her . She had a ponderous expression while she dreamed . It reminded him of the Menskr baby , in an odd way . Eventually he needed to use the bathroom . He put on his pants ( they had landed on the desk across the room ) and went through the apartment as quietly as he could , even though no one was around ( a habit from home ) . Nissa 's apartment was the same layout as his , so he went down the hall and hung a left . The floorboards creaked . Returning , William glanced into the living room , and then nearly fell over : Nissa 's father was sitting in his easy chair ! " Oh ! God , um , Mister … " He blanked ; what the hell was Nissa 's family 's name ? " Spenser ! " Was that right ? He 'd never even actually spoken to Nissa 's father before , just inched around that one chair he always sat in the few other times he 'd been in the apartment . He tried again . " Uh , hi sir . I 'm sorry , I was just … " Just what , he thought , walking around your apartment half - naked ? I 'm a dead man . But Mr . Spenser did not reply . He sat in his usual chair , beer in hand , staring at the window , now and then , raising his beer to his lips but otherwise doing nothing . When the can was empty he crushed it and tossed it on the floor , then pulled another one from the warm 12 - pack nearby . He acted as if William did not exist at all . " Hello ? " William said . He edged into the room . Something prickled at the back of his neck . Now he could see the TV and the backs of two kids ' heads as they watched , quiet and attentive . William was right next to Nissa 's father but the man didn 't seem aware of anything around him . His watery blue eyes never blinked . How could Mr . Spenser have come home again without William hearing anything ? Then William thought hard : Had Mr . Spenser ever said anything to him ? Had he ever even seen Mr . Spenser get up out of this chair ? He couldn 't remember . The prickly feeling got worse . Steeling his courage , William dared to tap Mr . Spenser on the arm . The man 's skin felt cold and hard , and his entire body rocked back and forth , as if it were a single , solid piece . William jumped . " What the fuck ? " he said . The man in the chair did not respond . William touched him again and Mr . Spenser slid out of the chair , rolling onto the floor with a thud . From the front , Mr . Spenser was a remarkable facsimile of a human being . Even now , lying on the floor , his face continued to move , his eyes blinked , and his arms and hands groped around , following the same preset motions over and over again , animated by whatever force gave the wooden figure a semblance of life . But he was only a façade : There was no back to him . He was hollow on the inside , half a person only , the illusion ruined the moment the puppet was taken out of the chair . William backed away from the grotesque , twitching thing and bumped right into the kids . One fell over , revealing that it , too , was only a carved simulacrum . The hollow figure rolled on the floor . William started to hyperventilate . " Fake people , " she continued . " I know they aren 't very good . I 'm not much of a craftsman . But I had to do something to make the place look lived - in . Most people never bother to look close at them anyway . " Nissa came toward him but he circled the room , keeping distance between them . " Let me explain , " she said . " We just want to help you . " William ran . Nissa was in his way , but she didn 't stop him . He ran out the door , leapt the stairs in one go , and was at his apartment in less time than it took to exhale . He fumbled in his pockets for his keys . His fingers felt fat and clumsy all of a sudden , and the lock gave him trouble . Finally he pushed the door in and then slammed it so hard it shook the wall . His mind reeled . He ran for the bathroom , thinking he was about to vomit . What was going on ? He felt strange : His muscles ached and his bones throbbed . His vision blurred and he dropped to his knees . Did she do something to me , he thought ? Am I poisoned ? His clothes grew tight around his body . He was suffocating ! William struggled to the bathroom door , and when he saw his own hand on the knob he finally realized what was happening . It was an hour before his parents came home , and it was sundown before they started to worry about him . He wanted to say something to reassure them , but he didn 't . He just watched them pace and cry and argue . He was three feet away , but they never realized he was there . He knew now how the trolls kept hidden : They could only be seen when they called attention to themselves . So long as William stayed very still and made little noise , no one even knew he was here . It seemed better that way . He watched them talk to the police . Eventually they fell asleep on the couch , exhausted , his mother 's head in his father 's lap . When he was sure they were completely out he approached , quietly , and put a hand on his mother 's pregnant belly . The baby stirred . There was noise behind him but he didn 't turn around . He felt the troll father put one hand on his shoulder , the troll mother 's hand on the other . " How are you feeling ? " said the troll father . " I 'm not sure , " William said . It was hard to talk : His mouth felt too big , and his teeth stuck out . He 'd get used to it eventually , he assumed . " We did the exchange years ago , " said the troll father . " We took the human baby and left you in its place , the way it 's always been done . But you were supposed to come back to us . For some reason , you didn 't . " " So many times we wanted to come and tell you the truth , " said the troll mother . " But we couldn 't find a way to break the charm that made you seem human . It should have worn off on its own , and when it didn 't … " She trailed off . William 's hand dashed tears away from his eyes . " Why did you do it ? " he said . " Why the switch ? Why leave me ? What 's the point ? " " It 's part of the magic , " said the troll father . " The fairy child is a charm that makes the human parents forget that they ever had a baby . To make it easier on them . " Hi I 'm Fred , from Nigeria Africa . In our native tongue , the changeling is called Ogbanje in the African folktales . They dies at a given time , come back to be born , then dies again and all that . And they don 't turn to trolls . An interesting piece . A huge boner killer though .

collie that was abandoned by his owners at my parents ' rental property in October 1994 when he was most likely about a year old . Some neighbors were throwing over scraps once in a while , but mostly he was all alone outside with no shelter for several weeks . After discovering him at the house , my parents brought him home and asked me to help find him a home somewhere else because he was a shedding dog and a male ( two things we never had in our household before ) . Since the day we brought him home , I knew I could never give him up - - - one of the first memories I have of him is the way he would run up to me and wrap his front legs around me , just like he was giving a hug . I 'd never seen a dog do that before . I decided I would keep him since I was going to be moving into my own house soon . I decided to call him Darwin since he was a survivor ( being left all alone scrounging around for anything he could possibly eat ) . Little did I know that he would truly live up to his name . Darwin was with me since the first day I moved out of my parents ' and into my new house , so I was never truly alone . He was the best watchdog anyone could ever have , never letting anyone in without my approval ( and sometimes it was still difficult to get them in the door ) . But once my friends were inside , he was the most loveable dog you could imagine , wanting non - stop affection . It seriously was 10 years before I ever saw this dog sleep - - - he didn 't want to miss out on any action . No matter what I was doing , he wanted to be there . Of the five dogs that have enriched my life , he is the most intelligent , most loving dog I 've ever had . He was so much like a person that it was as if he were my son . The loss of him has been more painful than the loss of any person in my life thus far . Darwin was a very quirky dog , always picking up new habits and abandoning the old . He loved to keep it interesting . These are some of the memories I have of him from different times : I remember when I first got him and he wouldn 't go up the stairs into my bedroom at my bungalow because he didn 't like my beaded curtains at the bottom of the stairs . He would get really upset when I went up there , or if any of my friends tried to follow me . He 'd nip at your heels and try to keep you downstairs . Eventually this funny habit subsided - - - he stopped being afraid of the beads and he was fine with going upstairs . I would often find him in my bed or on the floor of my room upstairs while I was at work . As a younger dog , he sure loved leather . He used to tear up many pairs of my sandals and even a nice pair of Doc Martens . Then he transitioned to milk cartons . It was the strangest thing - - - I bought him all these fancy toys , but he would rather toss around and chew on a milk carton . Whenever I was engaged in conversation with someone and he thought he was being ignored , he 'd crash around with his milk carton ( which had to be replaced every few days after becoming so twisted that he would cause his gums to bleed by chewing on it ) and there was no way you could avoid giving him attention because it was so funny . Another favorite " game " of young Darwin 's was to go after your feet ( but only if you directed him to ) . He would bite at your foot as you moved it from side to side while growling . Probably not the best habit for him to get into , but every guy I had over seemed to love to do this with him . Over time , like many of Darwin 's habits , this game faded too . For the first five years or so of his life with me , he only ate his food when I was eating . If I made up dinner for myself and was eating it in the kitchen , he would start eating his food at the same time . If I didn 't eat at home on a certain day , he sometimes didn 't eat his food either ! He always knew how I was feeling . If I was sad , he would come and comfort me . If I was nervous because of where I was going , he would smell the backs of my knees and sense my anxiety . Sometimes , he would sense it so strongly that he wouldn 't want me to leave the house and would growl and stick his head in the door and not let me close it . He must have figured that if I felt that way about whatever I was doing , I shouldn 't be leaving . He was such a hyper dog that when he had to go outside , he would jump super high while at the landing . I couldn 't believe how high he 'd go . Then he 'd dart outside and find a good spot . I remember that we thought we could settle him down some by getting him neutered - - - that didn 't slow him down one bit - - - in fact , even with the surgery , I couldn 't get him to stop running circles around the garage which involved sliding under a gate and running through a narrow strip between the garage and the neighbor 's fence . It was crazy how fast he 'd do those laps . For the most part , he was always good about coming back and not wandering when he was let outside . I 'd never had a dog that was so well - behaved before . Our other dogs would take off at the first opportunity - - - in fact , we once lost Heather and Sweeties like that , but luckily they stayed together and someone took them up to the corner K - Mart where a neighbor recognized them as our dogs . Most dogs don 't like vegetables , but he really had a thing for spinach . Whenever I made a spinach dish , I would remove the stems and veiny part of the leaves . Darwin would wait right beside me for each leaf to be cleaned , then I 'd throw him the stem . Most of the time , he was pretty good at catching them , and he loved crunching them up . He 'd eat 30 stems or more sometimes ! Darwin was funny when taken on walks . He would always prefer to walk on the grass rather than the sidewalk . You 'd see him zigzag from the grass to the driveway sidewalk , then back to the grass again at the next house . It was quite a sight . He also had funny habits in the snow . He hated stepping in the snow , so we had to shovel him a path . Even still , he would prefer to urinate on the driveway rather than step in snow . Darwin would do a " tapdancing " routine for food that was so funny - - - prancing around , doing spins , and tapping his feet when he was about to be fed . And the funny thing about his eating habits was that when I got him , for years , he would only eat his food when I was eating my food . So if I ate out somewhere and he didn 't see me eat , he sometimes wouldn 't eat that night , even if I tried to direct him toward his food . One of his other favorite snacks were " Meaty Bones . " You could just say the word " meaty " and he would start looking toward the cabinet where they were kept . If you were in a different room from the bones , he would run down the hall and try to direct you that way . Another interesting thing about Darwin 's eating habits is that he would clean his mouth after eating . He would rub his mouth and teeth on his paws and then lick any food particles up off his paws . He would go on like this sometimes 15 minutes . One of the reasons Darwin could " tapdance " was because he was terrible at letting us cut his nails . He would bite if he wasn 't muzzled up , and that was a task in itself . Usually , he was a very sweet dog , except for this . The funny thing was that once his muzzle was on , he acted ridiculous . He would act like he couldn 't walk and would lay down and stay there . Then while you cut each nail , he would make a biting motion that was pretty scary , even though you knew he couldn 't bite through the muzzle . For many years , he also wouldn 't let his feet be touched , especially the front ones . He would always pull them away or nip at you if you tried to touch them . Unlike many dogs , Darwin loved to get a bath . All I had to do was say the word and he 'd actually jump in the tub and wait for me , even if I took 5 minutes to get all the supplies together . I tried to be careful and not say the word until I was ready , but he would even see me getting his bath items together . As soon as the bath mat went down , he was in the tub . One short - lived habit of Darwin 's was pretty special . For a year or so sometime after recovering from tick paralysis , when I would get up in the morning before him , he would then wake up and come into the den and " ask " for his hugs . Then once he got his morning hugs , he was off on his way to do his own thing for a while . Another habit he had around this time period was pretty funny - - - at this time , he could no longer go up the stairs on his own , so if you asked him , " Do you want to go upstairs ? " , he would growl at you . Sometimes it was a really long , funny sounding growl . Darwin once licked up some spilled coffee on the floor and seemed to enjoy it . Brian and I made the mistake of giving him a small dish . Next thing we know , he is defecating like crazy . He must have been in the " pooping posture " for like an hour , still trying to go when there was nothing left . Talk about a laxative . Wow , never give coffee to a dog . One time I came home and could not find him anywhere . I looked all over the house . Finally , I found him behind the furnace . This was a location he had never explored and I never did figure out what made him decide to go back there . It was a very unusual day . Darwin had mild epilepsy that changed somewhat over the years . When he was young , he 'd have seizures where he 'd look like he was staring into space and not seeing what was here . He 'd tremble somewhat and then be all groggy and unable to walk properly for about an hour afterwards . When he got older , the seizures changed to motor seizures and he would sometimes take off running and not really " see " where he was going . He 'd run into corners and crazy places he would never go if he knew what he was doing . One would have to try to catch him and hold him while his legs kept pumping until he stopped having the seizure . When Darwin slept , he almost always had something moving - - - either a paw was bouncing up and down , or an entire leg was moving , or sometimes he 'd just have whole - body twitches that would often awaken him and prevent him from getting decent sleep . Darwin also twitched almost every time he was touched . I was never sure if this was due to the epilepsy or if he could just never get over some kind of abuse that took place before I met him that he was reminded of every time someone went to touch him , even me . There wasn 't much that Darwin hated in life . I can only think of four things : chain - like sounds , thunderstorms , the 4th of July , and skunks . Any kind of clinking metal that sounded like a heavy chain would really bother him in the beginning , sometimes sending him into the basement to hide . I think he was probably beaten with chains or something . This nervousness seemed to subside over several years . Also since I met him , he had trouble with thunderstorms . Luckily , it faded somewhat over time , but never completely . I think it must be from the bad memories of being left in the cold with no shelter during such storms . When a storm came , you could find Darwin hiding in the bathroom against the tub near the farthest corner . In his younger days , he was so scared that he would tremble . I think he hates the 4th of July because it sounds so much like a storm , with all the booming . He exhibited the same behavior during the evening of the 4th as he did during a storm . As far as skunks go , Darwin didn 't know he hated them until one bad evening about halfway through his life . He must have gotten too close to one in the backyard because when I went to let him in from outside , he was frothing at the mouth , freaking out , shaking his head , etc . He smelled like a fire - cracker , so I thought somehow he must have gotten one in his mouth and it went off or something . Eventually , we realized that this was just what a skunk spray smelled like up close and that he had been sprayed in the mouth . I tried the homemade remedies I found online , tomato juice , baking soda , who knows what else . Nothing could remove that stench but time . For about 2 months , my house smelled quite skunky - - - probably the time it took him to grow in new fur . From then on , whenever there was a skunk outside , Darwin was the first to inform us by acting very nervous . At first , I would never know why , because it usually took me another 5 - 10 minutes to smell the skunk odor coming into the house . The last few years of his life , he got finicky about his food . We found something he loved though - - - garlic ! He even learned the word . If he wouldn 't eat his food , we would say " Darwin wants his garlic " and he 'd get excited as we got out the garlic powder and sprinkled some on his food . Then he 'd eat it , no problem . When Darwin first started falling and wasn 't able to get up , it was rather worrisome because he would get upset and distraught and would snarl and nearly bite the person trying to help him . Eventually , he realized that this was how things were going to be and he grumbled for a while , but stopped acting like he might bite . When I was in the process of moving into the new house , Darwin would ride in the car with Brian back and forth if we were going to be there for a while . We were also trying to get him used to the new place rather than just all of a sudden making the move . In his younger days , he would ride in the car to my parents ' house if I was going on a camping trip or something . He always seemed very excited . Of course , Heather and Sweeties were there for some of his life , so that was his only interaction with other dogs . Usually , about a mile or two before our arrival , some smell must have triggered him and he knew we were going to my parents ' . He would start howling and whining and getting all excited . The first thing he 'd do when we got there is bolt out of the car , run up to the front of the house , mark his territory , get let in the house , go out the back door and mark his territory in the backyard too . On the way home , he 'd also sense the arrival a few miles early , make lots of noise in the car before we got there , and run into the backyard to mark his territory . However , as he reached old age , he didn 't like car rides so much . When he rode with Brian , he was almost unbearable on some occasions , howling and whining for 20 minutes at a time . I 'm not sure why that changed . Thinking back , maybe it jostled him too much and could have hurt him . Darwin was very helpful to me when Brian would fall asleep and should have been getting work done . If I told Brian to " Get up ! " , Darwin would run in the room and bark at him . Brian would have to finally get up because Darwin wouldn 't quit until he was up . Darwin still would sometimes nip at Brian 's feet after he got up and he was walking out of the room , as if to say , " C ' mon , get moving ! " It was great - - - this method was foolproof . heart in the fur on his right side ! 1994My family acquired Darwin in October 1994 after he was abandoned by his owners . This is his first photo . He is holding a note in his mouth that says " I need a home " . We were planning on finding him a home , not keeping him , since he was a shedding dog and we have never had that type before . He was also a male , and my parents always preferred females because of the urinating on shrubs and such . For several months , he lived with me at my parents ' house with our other two dogs . The first shows Sweeties , Darwin and my mom . The second picture shows Darwin in back , Heather in the middle , and Sweeties in the front , obviously begging for something . The third shows Darwin and Sweeties hanging around while I do my homework . Here he is in my kitchen . 2007On November 15 , 2006 , Darwin developed a growth on his chin . It started to break open his skin and bleed , so it had to be removed . I thought everything was going to be fine , but unfortunately , the growth grew back . This time , it was underneath the skin and was even larger than before . On March 13 , 2007 , Darwin went in for a second surgery . Much of his lower lip also had to be removed . He looked like a horror show , but I know the doctor did his best to try to seal the huge wound . On March 18th , Brian discovered another similar - looking growth on his leg . It seems as though it is most likely a cancer that is spreading . He also coughs a lot . I think it might be possible that he also has a growth in his throat . In any case , he 's not doing very well , but he still tries to remain in good spirits despite all he is going through . Here are a few photos of him the day after his second surgery on March 14 , 2007 . Darwin has been doing well in 2008 , but is old ( about 14 1 / 2 ) and spends a lot of time sleeping . He can 't make even the few stairs down the landing to go outside anymore though and must be carried down . He can climb up with assistance though . Here he is laying around on February 10 , 2008 . August 28 , 2008 with toad # 124 . Darwin is a very gentle dog and never goes after any small animals like some dogs . He has always been very respectful of all my small pets . On his head is one of the toads I was cataloguing for my Sadly , Darwin cannot walk unassisted anymore . For the last 5 days , he has only had about 2 cups of food . We 've tried every kind of gourmet and home - cooked meal we can think of . He will only drink water . He is near the end . On May 14 , 2009 , I got really sick with some kind of cold and had to stay home from work . It was probably a good thing I was sick because he doesn 't have too many days left and I haven 't seen him " smile " in many days , maybe months . That was , until today . I decided to bring him up to my room to rest since I needed to be up there and didn 't want to leave him alone . He 'd never been on my bed before . He looked like he was actually smiling , so I had to grab the camera . On Friday morning , Brian said that he was crying before he left for work and was laying near Darwin and he put his head up and licked his tear off . He was such a sweet dog . By the time I came home from work that day , he seemed like he may have a respiratory infection as he was having some mucous in his nose and his breathing was rather labored . I was almost convinced I should take him in to be euthanized that night because I didn 't want him to suffocate and die like that , but then Brian was able to clear some of it out and help his breathing . Even though we didn 't take him in that night , we had both decided that we cannot let him suffer anymore and I looked into some places to call on Saturday morning . We tried to get someone to come out to do a home euthanasia ( as I don 't want to traumatize him by the car ride and being at the vet ) , but they couldn 't do anything until Monday morning . So at this time , it had been decided that Monday , May 18 , 2009 will be Darwin 's last morning . It was good that he made it through Sunday because Saturday was raining all day , but we got to spend the most beautiful Sunday afternoon with him . . . I thought it would be a nice idea to take him outside one last time since he hadn 't been out but a few times over the winter . It was only about 58 degrees Fahrenheit , but rather sunny , so it felt nice . After Brian laid him on the blankets and pillows , he went right to sleep . He loved being out in the sun patterns . He used to sleep in the patterns on the floor in the den at the old house . I always loved the photos from these times and I thought these natural ones I took today turned out quite nice , considering they were some of the most difficult photos I have ever taken and I could barely see what I was photographing through the tears . Darwin 's last night was partially spent in the family room with Brian and me as we tried to watch something on TV , but it was too difficult to concentrate , and Darwin was rather agitated and vomited a couple times . He also defecated , but it was more like bile since he hadn 't eaten a real meal in so long . However , he did eat more today than the last 5 days or so - - - we think that may have caused his stomach to get upset . Anyhow , we ended up moving him to his normal bed and tried to get him comfortable , but he kept softly whining . His gums had turned almost completely white after the second time he vomited and stayed that way . He had two small seizures . Right around this time , the story I wrote when I was 7 years old came into my mind - - - it was about a dog with wings . I remembered how quick and agile Darwin used to be when he was young . Then I pictured him with wings . I told him in my mind to fly away with his wings and that it was ok to stop breathing . His breathing was labored and he was mostly using his mouth to breathe . He had another seizure that made his eyes get jittery . Then he suddenly looked straight ahead and then his eyes were no longer looking at this world . I could feel a faint heartbeat and he appeared to still be trying to breathe , but without success , although it was just his body going through the motions . You could tell his eyes could not see what was happening . Brian and I were right there beside him for the whole thing and talked to him gently until he stopped moving . It was a strange night because I knew he needed to die and I was ready to do it for him this morning first thing by having the home euthanasia vet come out . I really didn 't want to make that decision , so I was so happy that Darwin made it for me instead . Today was a special date ( if you know me well enough , you know that I add up the numbers of every important date to arrive at one number ) that added to 7 . I really wanted him to die on a 3 - or 7 - day . And he did . The time was good too : 2 : 07 a . m . I have always believed that 9 's are magic , and it completes the third 9 needed in his special date : 5 - 18 - 2009 ( it has the 5 + 2 to make the 7 , plus the two 9 's : the one there already and the 8 + 1 ) . Darwin was a magic dog , and left this world with a magic ending . I 'm so glad he didn 't have to die alone - - - that was one of the things I worried about most . I hope someday I will see him again . Lifegem when I get enough money saved . I washed and cut his tail fur in sections and preserved most of it so that it can be used for some very special works of art someday . I was surprised by my strength to be able to do this after he had died , and my ability to drive him to the funeral home after everything had happened . There was a bright , crescent moon in the sky with a bright shining planet or star to its right . A nice , clear sky . The day of the 18th was another beautiful , sunny day , so luckily no dreary conditions to make things feel even worse . This was the first day of my entire life that I have been without a dog . All of my previous dogs had overlapped one another , so even from the day I was born , there was a dog in my life . I tried my best to be happy that Darwin was no longer suffering and be grateful for all the years we had together and the memories that will never be forgotten . At this time in my life , I have never even lost a person that I have cared about this much . To me , Darwin was a person , and a much better one than many . I know he will continue inspiring hope and love in others for as long as I can continue sharing his memory . The morning that Darwin died , I had never even gone to bed . I wasn 't able to get any sleep until about one in the afternoon that day . Still , I only slept 3 hours . Then , I couldn 't sleep at all that night , not even a single minute . I had to go to work the next day too . After that long day was over , I figured I would come home and take a nap , but I still couldn 't sleep . I didn 't fall asleep until about 2 a . m . and had to be up at 5 . The best thing was that Darwin was there at the end of my dream and I was able to remember the ending clearly . I was in my old house late at night and hanging out with some girl I don 't know in real life . We saw some kind of motion out the window , some shadows or something across the street near the side of a neighbor 's house . She opened the front door and walked out onto the porch to take a closer look . We thought the shadows looked like people , but they seemed to be just shadows with no substance . Then , I noticed that Darwin was laying out there on the porch by himself ( something he never did when I had him ) . At this point , the storm door was closed and my friend was outside . I opened the storm door to let Darwin inside because I was feeling nervous about what those shadowy people were and wanted to keep him safe . He got up and went to come inside , but just then , my alarm went off and woke me up . It continues to bother me because I wanted to see what he looked like and what would have happened next . He appeared only in shadows , but I knew it was him while I was having the dream . After this dream , I haven 't had any more with Darwin in them . I thought it was interesting that he was totally fit once again and had no trouble walking or anything . And when I was having the dream , it was like he never died and was the same as always and just part of everyday life . I thought it was nice that somehow , there was sunshine for 8 days straight since he died that Monday morning . The following Tuesday was the first cloudy day . There was no rain until Wednesday , the 9th day without him . By then , the gloomy weather didn 't bother me as much as it would have in the beginning . Before Darwin died , it was rainy or cloudy at least every three days or so . I don 't remember having 8 straight days of sunshine for quite a long time , maybe even years . After that 8 - day stretch , it was rain every 2 - 3 days again as normal . On the weekend following Darwin 's passing , Brian and I selected some of our favorite photos to put in a special memorial display . I resized them , printed them and mounted them in the frames . Since Darwin lived most of his life in the kitchen of the new house , I always expect to see him there and it has been very difficult to keep walking into the empty kitchen and then remembering . I decided to put his display in a prominent corner of the kitchen , right by the doorwall . It helps to see his smiling face in the corner all the time while I 'm in there . His urn now holds his ashes in what we used to call the " Pet Room , " but now it 's " Darwin 's Room . " His ashes came in an engraved wooden box . I decided to keep some of his fur and some photos in there . It is also displayed in his room . His collar was hung on his picture . It almost looks like he 's going to smell it , which is something he loved to do every time his collar was removed for a brushing or a bath . Beside his urn are his special dew claws ( that usually get removed on most puppies ) . I loved these little claws . I saved the only two that I found broken off in the house over the years ( the small ones ) and I clipped off the other two ( the ones in the middle ) after he died . During the times I would have been really sad because my mind would have time to think about him , like driving in the car , I found that the music of Joe Satriani really helped me to avoid crying . I could focus on the continuous guitar solos that I knew well and they kept my mind busy enough . I listened to only Satriani for about two weeks . I am writing this update on February 3 , 2010 . This morning , I finally had another dream about Darwin . We were in what was supposed to be the backyard of my old house , where he spent his life with me minus 6 months . It didn 't seem like he could walk though . I think I had rested him on a small hill and he was so happy that he rolled over on his back and smelled the grass and started rolling down the hill a bit and I had to grab him . I told him , " You love this yard , don 't you ? " That was all I remembered of him being there . I also spent time in the backyard while he was laying there and found a very strange , brown caterpillar that was about 9 " long . I couldn 't get it to eat and I thought it was ready to make its cocoon , so I found this special place under some kind of wooden structure that already had cocoons there and I released the caterpillar . Then I woke up . I still miss him so much . The pain has not faded much . I am in tears as I type this now . I still cry several times a week over the loss of him . I still feel so empty without him . I didn 't have another dream about him until August 18 , 2011 . In this dream , for some reason , he was still living at my old house ( I think a neighbor was letting him out and feeding him or something ) while I was living at my new house . I had decided to pick him up and take him to the new house . I arrived in a car that wasn 't anything I currently have . I called his name from outside and someone held open the door to the house . I heard a jingle bell ringing as he bounded through the house and ran outside to greet me . The bell was around his neck , just like my old dogs Heather and Sweeties used to wear , although I never put a bell on him his whole life . Then I woke up . On the morning of October 24 , 2011 , Darwin visited me again in a dream . I was originally dreaming about teaching . I was in some school I didn 't recognize , teaching math . When the kids turned their homework in , for some crazy reason , they also turned in money . There were 1s , 5 's , 10 's and 20 's in the pile I collected . Then it was lunch time . Instead of eating inside the school , I went outside and found an unlocked car and sat in the passenger seat . I was counting through my money and somehow it got mixed in with the money that the car owner had in the vehicle . Then the vehicle owner arrived , but he wasn 't mad after I explained to him that I always look for a peaceful place outside in some random car to eat lunch in . He was some executive guy visiting the school for the day . In the money pile were also Canadian bills and a $ 2500 bill . I told him that these bills must be his and removed them from my pile . I mentioned how I 'd never seen a $ 2500 bill and probably never would again . Then when lunch was over , I went back in the school , but somehow , it was time to go home . I went home to the old house though , and Brian was living there ( as he actually is in real life as of late September 2011 ) . I turned up the heat because it was set for 64 degrees . I sat in the den and called Darwin 's name . At first , I heard nothing and wondered where he was . Then he came down the steps from my old bedroom and greeted me with hugs . I was holding him and saying , " oh , my Buddy Boy , my Buddy Boy . . . " Then I woke up realizing it was a dream and couldn 't stop crying for a while afterwards . I miss him so much . On the morning of October 16 , 2012 , nearly a year after the last Darwin dream , he finally visited again . This time , he came with Heather O ' Halloween , my old wheaten terrier ( but I 'm not sure where Sweeties was because she should have been nearby if Heather was there ) . My mom was giving them a bath with me and for some reason we were doing it outside , which we 've never done . On the morning of December 10 , 2012 , I awoke from a dream of Darwin . I was at a shopping mall with another person ( not sure who , and it 's weird anyhow because I absolutely hate shopping malls and avoid them like the plague ) and Darwin was with us . We were talking about something and forgot about him for a minute . I looked around and he was walking up the escalator on his hind legs like a person . I thought nothing unusual of it in the dream though and we ran after him . He reached the top before us and then he fell down as he scrambled to playfully get away . A woman exclaimed that it was just " heartbreaking " to watch , but I explained to her that he needed his exercise even if he does fall once in a while . Then I woke up . On the morning of October 17 , 2013 , I dreamt that I was in my old house again , but it seemed temporary and not well - planned . I think I had brought Darwin over from somewhere else because I had gone upstairs and forgotten to let him outside . I heard him scratching around downstairs , but by the time I got there , it looked like he couldn 't hold his urine , so I threw a towel down and he urinated on it . I told him it was ok and I was sorry I forgot to let him out . Then I woke up . I am pretty sure he appeared in a dream I had yesterday morning as well , but I couldn 't remember it . On the morning of February 15 , 2014 , I had a dream about packing up items in the old house and Darwin was there with me . I find it interesting that this is now the sixth dream I 've had that takes place at the old house . I do know that he never really felt like the new house was " home , " even though he had his own room . He missed his old spots and smells where he lived most of his life . I think his last good memories were when I was packing up things in the old house and he didn 't know at that time that we were going to be moving to a new location . On the morning of June 6 , 2014 , I awoke to a dream in which I was working on my moss / rock / bone garden with my mom and I asked Darwin to grab me a bone from the pile of deer bones nearby . He walked over and carefully took out a shoulder blade and gently carried it over to where I was working . Me and my mom both said , " good boy , " and then I woke up . On the morning of October 15 , 2014 , I had a dream that seemed to occur at the old house because the garage was the same . I came out of the house to see Darwin , who was outside , laying down on the garage floor , with the big garage door open . He stood up and walked up to me and I hugged him and greeted him , and then I woke up . He never once laid on the garage floor when he was alive . In fact , I don 't think he ever took a step in there even when I was outside and had the door open . In that sense , the dream was rather unusual . I woke up on November 11 , 2014 to a dream about Darwin . I was over at my old house ( as usual ) , and the neighborhood seemed to be falling apart . The garage roof was dilapidated and light was shining through into the garage . The building seemed to be on a slight lean . Strangely , I found Darwin about 10 feet back inside the garage on the left side , just chillin ' . He 'd never even set foot in my garage while he was alive , ever ! He was laying on some blankets and seemed content when I greeted him . That is all I remember . On November 28 , 2014 , he was in my dreams again . I had just arrived at my old house and all was quiet . I couldn 't figure out where he was . I went to what appeared to be my bedroom ( but it was on the first floor , and my real bedroom in that house was upstairs ) . In came Darwin to greet me . Then I woke up . November 30 , 2014 , I woke up to a dream of Darwin riding with me in an SUV . He was in the front seat and I was riding in the back . Brian was driving . That was all I remembered . On February 12 , 2015 , I had an interesting dream in which it was acknowledged in the dream that Darwin had passed . However , I somehow was able to still hold him in my arms , and I said in the dream , " I never thought I 'd be able to hold him again . " But somehow , in the dream , it was possible . On January 30 , 2016 , I had a dream about Darwin , but he wasn 't in it . It was set later in my life at my parents ' house , and I was somehow having trouble remembering where Darwin was . I thought I remembered us dropping him off somewhere and needing to go and get him . Brian was over at my parents ' house too , and I first asked him where Darwin was . He told me to go talk to my parents . I asked my dad , who was sitting in the family room with my mom , where Darwin was . He just stared at me , expressionless . I asked again more firmly , and my dad just stared into space . I began lightly kicking my dad 's foot to get him to react in some way , begging him to tell me where Darwin was , but it was like the twilight zone , and he didn 't move or speak . Then I woke up .

… Mindi felt abandoned as you might imagine ! Mindi didn 't know why she was left behind until years later . We , on our end , asked our mom and she always said she was saving up money to bring her back . We argued the fact many times but only ever got the same vague answer … Mindi lived with my father , Norman and his wife Della and their 2 children , Cheryl and Carol . They all lived with our Grandma Vi in California for awhile and then moved to Cochise Arizona , not too far from Sierra Vista and Tuscon . They lived on a ranch that Della 's mom owned . Norman and Della eventually had 3 more children . Vincent , Loretta and Elaine … Mindy hated living on the ranch . She was disgusted by the fact that the tub would have a back up of sewage in it so often , that she didn 't feel comfortable taking a bath . Also , the fact that there were so many grasshoppers around , you would literally wake up with them in your bed ! She stayed with our father for a couple of years until he decided that she was too boy crazy and he couldn 't put up with her any more . She was shipped back to New Jersey at the age of 15 to be reunited with us in Rumson where we lived with our mom and Dad O ' Neill . This was a small 2 story home that we lived in before Dad O ' Neill and mom decided to move back to my mom 's home town in Atlantic Highlands N . J . Now , Dad O ' Neill was the father of Cindy ( Cyd ) , our baby sister whom our mom was pregnant with when she came to get us from California . Dad O ' Neill was a great dad . He was a little rough around the edges , but he was a kind , considerate , open hearted person who only had our best interests at heart and he really loved our mom . He would come with us to the beach and on picnics when we planned family outings . ( Some dad 's don 't do this you know , sometimes opting out to stay home and mow the lawn , go to work , or clean their underwear drawer ! ) He knew about Mindi and wanted all the kids to be reunited but wasn 't aware of all of us kid 's until well after he married my mom and she was pregnant with his child . He was fine with having her come to live with us , he just felt pressured by the fact that there would be another mouth to feed and another body to clothe . I remember mom and dad O ' Neill arguing about her coming to stay with us , but we were all very excited to reunite with her . We prepared a bed for her in one of the already crowded bedrooms we shared and went to meet her at the airport . While we lived in Rumson , New Jersey , we lived next door to my best friend in the whole wide world , Cathy Logue . Her family lived in a really neat old house . They had a balcony inside their home overlooking the living room . We used to jump off the balcony to the living room couch below . Mabel , the house maid , used to freak out ! " You girls stop that ! Do you hear ! ? You are going to break your necks ! ! ! " We listened for all of 5 minutes until she turned her back to do something or other around the house , then we were at it again ! There were 3 girls in Cathy 's family . Janey , Suzie and Cathy . They lived with their mom , Virginia . I don 't remember any dad in the picture . They were very friendly and we loved to have them for overnights . Bambi and I were friends with Cathy , Shelly and Mindi were friends with Suzie and Janey was older and married at that time . Cathy and I were inseparable . We were a grade apart . She was in 3rd and I was in 4th . We did everything together . We played on the playground at the school that was a few blocks down the road from our house . I had a friend I could tell anything to , and she to me … We shared everything . We made a fort from one of the trees that hung it 's branches low over a small stream that ran between the Grammar school and the Middle school . We were tomboys together and we loved it . The freedom we felt at that time in our life was awesome and we defended it fiercely ! We named our fort " Zega " and we carved the name into the bark of the beloved tree . We brought our favorite stuffed animal with us to use for a pillow while we read fairy tales to each other . and the nights we got to spend together at sleep overs were full of laughs and love and shared secrets . A couple of years later we moved to my mom 's home town in Atlantic Highlands N . J . There we found a beautiful , 3 story , Victorian home that Dad O ' Neill purchased through a loan from the bank . This large family home is remembered fondly and continues to fill my dreams … Cathy and I stayed friends throughout it all , though . We visited each other when she moved to Brielle N . J . and eventually they moved to Atlantic Highlands ! Cathy and I would visit each other often , we both had children at this time ( Laura was my little 2 year old and Lana was Cathy 's 3 year old ) and our little girls got to play together , too ! And , my friend , when I am very old , and I no longer enjoy good health , hearing and sight , do not make heroic efforts to keep me going . I am not having any fun . Please see that my trusting life is taken gently . I shall leave this Earth knowing with the last breath I draw that my fate was always safest in your hands …… . Anonymous Tagscandy dishes , favorite aunts , hide and seek , Mom ! abandonment . . . , motel pools . . . we were told that we were going to see our mom again ! But 3 years had passed since we had seen her , and Bambi was now 6 , I was 8 , Shelly was 11 and Mindi was 14 . At that time we were enrolled in Sunland Elementary / Jr . High School in Sunland Ca . I remember , they had candy in a glass dish that they set on a low table in the living room . No one wanted to take any though because of the glass cover on the dish . We didn 't want to break anything . Those lids are heavy ! and they are tough to balance in one little hand while picking out candy with the other … We got ready to go with a few things packed in a bag . We drove with our grandmother and dad to a motel where our mom was staying , … 4 young girls going to see their mother after so many years ! We were all a little excited , reticent and perhaps a bit scared . I remember thinking , " What does she look like ? Will I remember her ? Will she remember me ? Will she like me ? Will I like her ? How long will she be with us ? What should I say to her ? … " my mind raced on and on through these thoughts about meeting my mother . We pulled into the motel . The first thing we noticed was the pool ! You would think in California the sight of a swimming pool would be commonplace , but we were impressed by the fact that lot 's of kid 's were there with their families . Laughing , splashing and calling out to each other in excited tones ! It was a hot day and we all longed to get in the water too ! But , we were directed by our father and grandmother to walk up the stairs on the outside of the building to my mom 's room to see her . I was very shy . We went into the motel room and it was such a contrast from being in the bright sun , that it took a minute or so to adjust to the darkness of the room . I remember staring blindly at the place where her voice came from . I heard her need for us before I saw it in her face . She was not as I remembered . She was a total stranger . She was a beautiful woman with thick , wavy , natural red hair and she was pregnant ! She was anxious to meet us all again and didn 't have enough arms to take us in all at once . I felt awkward and hung back . I didn 't have much to say when she questioned me about how I had been . What could I say to sum up the last few years ? She was my mom , and I didn 't know her and she wanted to get to know us all again . After reintroductions all around , we decided to go swimming . Mom had on a blue bathing suit and she sat on the pool side with her feet in the water , while everyone else jumped right in ! Mom watched with a sad sort of smile on her face . After a while , we were told to get into dry clothes because mom was taking us with her ! We were unsure and happy at the same time . We said reluctant goodbyes to our grandmother and our father . I don 't remember any tears … Tags1950 's Chevy Pick up , abandonment , airplanes , Bathtub time , Berlin Wall , children , Great Italian food , John F . Kennedy , memaid , Space Race We knew we were flying against the wind . The year was 1961 , John F . Kennedy was our President . The Space Race was on … The Russians put Sputnik into space , Fidel Castro maintained his iron grip on Cuba , the Berlin Wall went up …… . . … and 4 little girls watched their mom standing on the runway at Newark Airport , as her babies flew away to California without her . This is the earliest recollection of my life . When my mom took us to the airport , I was 5 years old and my sister Bambi was 3 . My older sisters , Shelly and Mindy were 8 and 11 . We all got on the plane with our mom and fastened our seat belts . We were going to see our dad in California ! My mom got up to go to the bathroom on the plane ( or so she said ) " I 'll be right back . " she said shakily . The plane started to move down the runway while she was still gone , we looked out the window of the plane and saw her outside ! We were all confused and scared and crying ( mom was crying too ! ) when the stewardess came up to us and explained that we were going to be meeting our father in California when we landed and that our mom wasn 't going with us ! I just remember being shocked , scared , worried for my mom and feeling very little . Our little brother John was born just a year ago . He went to live with a friend of our mom 's ( We called her Aunt Celia ) while we went to California . Why we left him , instead of taking him with us , is a whole story in itself . She lived somewhere along the Jersey shore and had a real nice place with a sign outside the wooden gate that read ; The Pink Whale . Sand everywhere . The driveway was sandy , the road was sandy and the beach was just outside her door ! We have great memories of playing on the beach . We loved it there . If I had to leave my baby brother with anyone , it would be with Aunt Celia . When we got to California , we went to live with a friend of the family . Bill and Juanita took us in . They lived in Sunland - Tajunga in Los Angeles . She had children and a house big enough to take us all in . The place is aptly named . . . . one gets no inkling of the beauties till he is right in the town . Great live oaks , scattered with Nature 's reckless disregard for expense , give the place a stately quiet . . . . In the center of town the oaks are so thick that the sun is baffled , and this section has been made a public park , which is the Fourth of July and general hot - weather rendezvous of the country round , from Glendale to San Fernando . [ 13 ] When our dad married his new wife , Della . She had 2 children of her own . Cheryl and Carol were about the same age as Bambi and I were . We had very little to take with us when we moved into Della 's house , except a few packed clothes and a single stuffed animal . No toys . Cheryl showed us their toy box , and quickly added that we were not to touch or play with any of their things . Looking back , I wonder how someone could get that smug at such an early age . We didn 't like it , but Bam and I would have to adjust . At some point they popped me in the tub for a bath with Cheryl . I was happily playing in the water until I saw poop floating around in the bathtub ! I called for Della , " She pooped in the water ! " I complained , clearly horrified as I tried to get out of the tub . " That 's O . K . Bonnie , she needs to go , and the water helps her to relax , so you just stay in there until she 's all done , alright ? You keep her company . " I objected as loudly as I dared , and my dad came in and confirmed the plan . I was doomed for the next couple of years to sit in the tub with Cheryl while she " relaxed " ! I can 't tell you how much I dreaded my bath time to get " clean " . So , I set myself as far apart from Cheryl as I could . I wouldn 't even talk to her , and pretended I was a mermaid in the water , all by myself . Bambi and I would visit an Asian couple who lived on the grounds , or so it seemed . I may be mistaken , but it seemed like they were living in a cottage on the outskirts of our yard . They were always really nice to us . They smiled and greeted us by name and invited us into their little hut . I thought they were caretakers or something . But , we visited almost daily , mostly because we felt so accepted by them and we knew they would give us plenty of buttered toast with sprinkled sugar on top ! As little children we loved the attention and the sweet treats . No wonder I was so enamored with the Golden Books and fairy tales in my early teens . I must have felt that I had already lived the Hansel and Gretel story , with Bambi and I as the main characters , complete with the wicked step mother and step sisters ! We got a chance to visit our aunts and uncles at our grandmother 's house . We gathered together once a week for large family dinners that my grandmother prepared . We had classic Italian foods like spaghetti and meatballs , pasta fagioli and grilled cheese sandwich 's between slices of buttery crusty Italian bread . Bambi and I would sit on the living room end tables with our butts on the long end , facing the small table on top . Our legs fit perfectly between the two tiered wood sections and our food was served on the top layer ! Waa Laa ! The perfect seat for a kid ! We loved it , and to this day , I keep an eye out for these same style end tables from the 50 's to use for my own grand children to eat on . One of my happiest memories of that time in my life was taking rides with my dad and the other kids in the back of his 1953 Chevy Pick up truck . We would huddle together in the back and dad would take us for rides into town and around the back roads and we would sometimes pack a lunch and stop for a picnic under a shady tree somewhere . For 3 years we lived with our " California Family " , as they all proudly referred to themselves . I don 't remember getting any letters or phone calls from our mom during that time , until one day … . . Tagsanimal totems , cats , cemetery 's , Dogs , Faith , frogs , God ! , grammar school , hindsight , pain , sisters , then and now , trust , turtles We adopted a cat that year , and named him Chester . We also had a Dachshund named Duchess and a gaggle of ducks . There were 6 children in my family and I was in the middle . We lived with our mom and " Dad O ' Neill " in a huge Victorian home in Atlantic Highlands N . J . I was in 6th grade , I was a cheer leader for Pop Warner football and a Cadette in Girl Scouts . I would graduate from grammar school that year . ( 1967 ) My sister , Bambi , and I walked to school together every morning , about a mile into town . We were the last ones to leave the house . Everyone else had gone to work , and to catch the bus for high school . My mom took the littlest ones to daycare by 6am , then she went off to work too . I remember loving Jersey in the spring time . I loved to see the flowering Magnolia and Dogwood trees in bloom on our route to school . We would pick wild flowers by the side of the road , Cornflowers , Daisies , Lilacs , Buttercups , Queen Ann 's Lace … ( Yes , I Know it 's a weed , but I liked it in my bouquet ! ) The houses were well kept , some with fences and some with hedgerows . We each had our favorite houses to check out on the way . We would gather up our little hand picked bouquets of wildflowers , and put a little rubber band around them to give to the teacher we liked the most that day . Bam and I were the closest of 6 children in our family . There were 5 girls and one boy . My little sister , Cyd , was the youngest . She was 5 years old at the time . She and the rest of the family called me " Bear " as a nick name and I remember Cyd always asking me , " Brush your hair Bear , brush your hair ? " I had long dark hair down to my waist and it was so thick I would have my sisters help me brush and braid it to keep it off my face . Cyd loved to help and I would sit on the floor and read her stories from the Golden Books and let her brush away . I loved all things in nature and especially animals . I was always " saving " animals from the road , the yard , the parking lot at the grocery store in town . I especially loved to collect turtles in the summer . We kept them in our sandbox in the back yard for a little while and fed them worms . I would go on long bike rides with a group of friends ( about 7 of us ) to the Old Mill and the Green Light Cemetery in Leonardo . The Green Light Cemetery was really Bay View Cemetery , but was named Green Light by the kids in town because of the unexplained green light that emanated from the cemetery at night . It is said that no one who explored it 's origin , ever lived to tell the tale ! It was closed off from the road by an ancient gate that towered above our heads . The iron gate had points on the top to discourage entering after hours . ( After hours for a graveyard ? ) There was a caretaker that lived in a small shack on the premise . He didn 't want to be bothered after dark . That was fine with me , I didn 't want to go there after dark ! We did stop at the cemetery on the way to the mill though , as a resting spot and to have something to drink . We would bring paper and a crayon to do etchings from the oldest stones in the farthest corners of the property . Beautiful angel and Saint reliefs protruding out of stone and rock . The entire trip took more than an hour to bike ride there . The Old Mill was a relic . Kid 's went there to swim , smoke and make out , and in my case to watch the turtles sun on the large tree that fell across the pond . I was a very late bloomer ! There were Boxer turtles there ( ! ) that loved to sun on the trunk of the tree lying across the water . When they got too hot or we disturbed them by climbing out on the limb to put our feet in the water , they would slip back into the water and scoot away ! Bam and I were getting ready for school one morning and since it was a hot day , we both had shorts and tee shirts on . I was ready first and decided to wait outside in the back yard for Bambi to come out . I just remembered my lunch was still in the house , so I went up to the back screen door and passed Bambi as she was going out . " I just have to get my lunch , I will be right … . . Meeeeeoooooowwww ! ! ! " Chester had tried to get in the house and as the screen door shut , it closed on his tail ! ! ! He was screaming and writhing . I quickly opened the door to free his tail . He took only a second to give me that crazed look you get from a cat just before they Attack ! He had a grip on my leg with both claws and teeth before I knew it and I cried out ! Bambi was afraid to come in , but I shrieked so loudly and for so long , she thought better of it . I shook my leg hard and tried to push Chester off , but he hung on and finally tore the flesh before letting go . He decided to latch himself onto my arm instead ! Bambi and I were flailing around trying to get him off , the whole time I 'm screaming and crying …… . Finally , Chester decides he has done enough damage and releases my arm . I am a bleeding , emotional mess . Bambi tries to calm me down as she looks for something to clean me up with . All we could find were regular band aids and they weren 't nearly big enough to cover the wounds . She tried to get me to wash them , but I was too scared it would hurt even more . We decided to let the school nurse do it . We walked to school . By the time we got to the playground at the school yard , all the kids were inside . We were late . Bambi helped me into the school and we looked for an adult . We saw our music teacher Mrs . Blumberg . When we had her in class , she would use a pitch pipe before singing , " Good morning children ! " and we would have to sing back in the same key ; " What in the world ! ? What happened to you ? Here , come and sit down and let me get a cloth to clean you up . " She led me down stairs to the overflow . This is where the kid 's ate who brought their lunch , it was downstairs in the basement of the school . I have never heard of an overflow before or since . We explained about Chester and the screen door and Bambi left to go to her class room . She cleaned my leg and arm up a little and took me up to the nurse 's office to get checked out . I finished out the day , but I was embarrassed by all the attention I received . The school asked my mom about Chester having his rabies shots . My mom said he did … . thank God ! Do you remember " Clan of The Cave Bear ? " The main character is a little girl who ends up with a Mountain Lion as her totem after it scratches her . An animal totem is an animal , insect or amphibian that you may resonate with , be attracted to , or shows up in your life at certain times to help you when you need it , very similar to Guardian Angels or the Blessed Mother , in my case . Anyway , now I am feeling like I have the cat as a totem at this age to help me to cope with my life . Of course , I didn 't realize at that time that I would only have another 6 years with my mom before I would be on my own . So , the cat was there to teach and instill in me a sense of independence when I needed it . Turtle and Dog are another totem that I have … My sister Bambi and I were latch key kids without keys . We never locked our 3 story , Victorian home in Atlantic Highlands , N . J . Every school day , my mom would gather up the 2 youngest of my siblings and take them to daycare on her way to work as a nurse at Monmouth County Hospital . My older sisters , Shelly and Mindi , left to catch the high school bus a few blocks away by 7 : 15am . So , that left Bambi and me the last ones at home to get ready and out the door in time to walk to school . ( Rain , snow , sleet or hail , we walked about at least a mile ! ) I was in 6th grade and Bambi was in 4th . One day I came home from school ( Bambi was at her friend , Beth 's house ) and I heard someone upstairs . I was in the kitchen at the back of the house and I called up the back stairway to the 2nd floor . " HI - ii ! Who 's home ? ! " No fear , just curious … Lot 's of times Shelly and Mindi got home from high school before I did . Silence for a moment , then I heard foot steps running down the hallway towards the front stairway . I had a second to think " that 's strange " before the alarm sounded in my head . Something wasn 't right . I quickly walked through the Sun Room into the Dining room where I could see the front stairway that dropped down in front of the front door . At the same time I heard someone barreling down the stairs at a clip ! I saw someone dash out the front door , leap off the porch steps like a gymnast in the circus and ran off down the street ! He was a blur … Just from his speed , you could tell he was a young man and I had no idea who he was . I told my sisters about him when they got home and they didn 't seem to know either . Life was strange like that during that time , I remember getting phone calls where no one would answer , or hang up when you said " hello ? " . My grammar school had a scare when someone , ( a man dressed in woman 's clothing ) was caught hanging out in the girls bathroom ! That was way before we had school security in place . And to top it off , that was the year that a young girl about my age was abducted from just outside the corner store near the Catholic church . She walked to the store from her home a few doors down to buy candy and when she left , someone said they saw her get into a car and they drove away ! Her poor mother was plagued for years with anonymous phone calls telling her where to look for her missing daughter . Now you tell me , which one of those calls would you ignore ? She was never found , not a trace . Now , I was walking home from girl scouts one late afternoon in October , it was getting dark around 5pm . I had to climb Mount Avenue to get to my street , Prospect Circle at the top . Mount Avenue is one of those hills that you can 't stand upright on , or you will fall backward ! You stand at an angle like the Leaning Tower of Pisa . … and that 's how you walked up it , too ! If your arms were swinging at your side , you would pretty much hit the sidewalk with your hands in front ! And for that same reason cars going up the hill needed to get some speed to make it all the way up to the top . So , I am walking home around dinner time and I hear a car approach me going up the hill , but slowly . Very slowly … Again , I got the feeling that something was wrong here . We were raised Catholic and I would pray to the Blessed Mother Mary to help me out when I was afraid , or had something on my mind . I think She felt my fear because I heard a voice in my head that said , with some urgency , " Go straight to the next house and walk in ! " By this time the car was going as slow as I was walking , which was a bit faster now . I didn 't even look around , I just moved as quickly as I could to the next house and walked up to the porch and up the stairs to the front door . I remember thinking how uncomfortable I was just going into someone 's house I didn 't know . And what if the door was locked ? My heart was in my throat , but I thought the alternative would be worse . So , I put my hand on the door knob and … . …… . and the car took off ! I waited on the porch for a few minutes to get my composure back … I heard people inside talking , possibly around the dinner table . I decided to walk the remaining 3 blocks home by taking cover in the neighbors yards . I figured everyone was eating dinner at this time and if someone did see me hiding out , sneaking around the bushes , I 'd say I was looking for my dog . It wasn 't a fool proof plan , but I went with it . I was a tom boy , so I was always in pants and getting dirty didn 't bother me . I went from yard to yard in the way I described looking out for any slow moving vehicles . I made it up Mount Avenue and to Prospect Circle by cutting through the oldest Victorian home in the whole town . This home was land marked to be the Atlantic Highlands Historical Society and Museum . But not for another 30 years , right now it was a just a little run down version of this … It was occupied by a man named Wimpy , just like the Popeye character . No kidding ! When he first introduced himself , I didn 't even bat an eyelash . He could be " Wimpy " if he wanted to . They called me Bonnie Bear at home , so I figured , let it be . I cut through Wimpy 's yard on my way to my house and wasn 't worried a bit about him finding me . He would have understood my dilemma . But , I didn 't see him . I did have to pass by my new neighbors house on the other side of the street from ours , though . They just moved in a week ago . I had just crossed over to my yard when I heard a child 's voice speaking to me . He nodded ( Oh , I got it , he lives across the street ! ) and I said , " Nice to meet you Kenny , does your mom know you 're outside by yourself ? Is she home ? " ( Now who 's the guardian angel ! ? ) He nodded , and at that point I saw her at the door about to collect him . I introduced myself quickly and made my departure . I was famished , and dinner wasn 't going to wait with all the hungry mouths my mom had to feed ! Because there were so many of us , we had a picnic table as our kitchen table . If I didn 't get in there soon , I would be doomed with no dinner . At dinner I related my adventure with " the car " to my family . Mom said " Well Bear , You did the right thing . You should have gone in all the way to that house or perhaps you could have knocked when the car left and you could have asked to call home ? But you are safe at home now , and that is all that matters . " Everyone agreed . My mom and me made a decision right then and there that I would get a ride home from girl scouts from now on . And I did . As for the Blessed Mother , I know that She was watching over me and that the voice in my head was from Her . " Well , he went out of his way to help me with something school related and I thought that was really nice of him . I think I may have barely met him once . I have to say , I think he is the nicest person I have never met ! " Tagsbooks , grandpa , great food , holidays , Italian Celebration ! , memories , myself , self love Our family never locked the door to our home . My mom and dad both grew up in the town of Atlantic Highlands N . J . My grandfather still lived in the house he raised his family in , just a few blocks down the street from us . It was a 2 story Victorian . We spent every Thanksgiving and Christmas with him . ( my grandmother was in California with my dad , one of those deals ! ) I just loved to go to my grandfathers house . I guess at 11 years old , there wasn 't really much for me to do there , but there were always amazing smells coming from the kitchen ! And , the dining room table had a white sheet on it with miles of home made noodles of all shapes and sizes drying on it . We had a special cut of meat ( beef ) that my grandfather would roll up with lots of cheese and herbs inside it and tie it all up with string . Then he would pop this meat roll into his home made tomato sauce and let it simmer until it was so tender it pretty much melted in your mouth ! ! Braciole , that 's it ! There was wine ( for the adults ) and homemade bread and many different kinds of cheeses and crackers , and fruit and …… . . As a child , I loved to bake . One of the ways I make a living today is through baking . I have a cottage industry bakery in my home . Christmas was the same , my grandfather and his girl friend must have prepared food for a week before we came to share the holiday with them . I would always look forward to getting a new activity book to play with including crayons and lots of paper to write and create with , while the adults were chatting , cooking and preparing dinner , I would make the name cards for the table . My favorite books were the Little Golden Books to read , so I would also try to copy the pictures on the inside cover . I was pretty good actually , if I do say so myself ! I loved my sticker books , and mazes , too . No T . V . , just good food , family and lots of love . Come to think of it , I do remember putting up a stink when it was time to go to my grandfather 's house , but I always enjoyed myself and left satisfied in more ways than one … Tagsbetrayal , confusion , fireplaces , great wood , home , police , scary night stuff , Vidtorian times I am sitting in the police station in Atlantic Highlands , I am 17 years old . The police seem polite enough , but questions I have already answered several times already are being fired at me again and again . I am cooperating , really , but this situation was sticky from the beginning : I was a high school senior when I told my mom I was moving out . I moved in with my boyfriend , Artie , into an apartment house on the water in Leonardo N . J . We had been dating for about a year . My family adored him . But , I did move in with him ( against my mom 's wishes ) and we both had jobs and I was still in my last year of high school . In April of that same year , my mom died unexpectedly ! There were still 3 siblings living at home . My sister Bambi who was 14 , John , who was 10 and my little sister , Cyd who was just 7 years old . When she died , the family split up . I was already " out of the house " along with my 2 older sisters , Shelly and Mindy . So , Bambi went to visit our father in California , Cyd went to live with her dad in Red Bank N . J . and John got sent to a foster home in the pine barrens of N . J . with a friend of my mom 's . They say kid 's are adaptable , John would have to be , he was living with a stranger , sleeping in her basement with half a dozen show cats and he was allergic to them . I begged my grand mother to let Artie and me take him in but she wouldn 't budge on her decision to leave him where he was . I wasn 't able to take guardianship of my brother until I turned 18 . So , I visited him as often as I could until then . I loved my home I grew up in , in Atlantic Highlands . It is a beautiful 3 story Victorian built in 1865 . The house and property were my haven and stability through out my growing years . Even though I moved into an apartment , I still came home to visit and see the family . When my mom died , I went to the house and watched my older sisters " claim " the things they wanted from my mom 's estate . One took my mom 's 4 poster bed ( that was promised to me ) I reminded my sister of that fact , but to no avail . and the other sister claimed furniture and rugs . I ended up with an old picture I had always loved and no one else seemed to notice . It was an oil painting of a seascape hanging in the entrance way near the winding stair case . I also found an old brass lamp hiding in the basement that I had always had my eye on . Possibly it was still in the basement because my mom thought it might get ruined if brought out and displayed where all the kids were . One day I went in to check the house , and I noticed that one of the fireplace mantle pieces was pried away from the wall and leaning against the open pit of the fireplace ! I quickly searched the house for any other damage ( there were 3 fireplaces on the first floor , 2 on the second floor , 1 on the 3rd floor and 1 in the basement ) and saw no other damage . All the mantles were made of Bird 's Eye Maple ( except for the basement which was brick ) . I always admired the beautiful woodwork ! There was a crow bar lying near the mantle . I was dumbstruck ! I was confused , angry , scared and finally determined to protect my home . I went to the police in town . I told them all about my mom 's death a couple of weeks prior and that I was keeping an eye on the property from time to time until my mom 's estate was settled . I made them come up to the house to see what I had seen . They did , and afterward told me to leave it up to them , that they had heard of a group of " bandits " for lack of a better word that were stealing from the abandoned and seasonal homes in the area . They assured me they would be able to catch this group of individuals using my home as bait ! I wasn 't too comfortable with this statement or their plan and I told them so . It fell on deaf ears … . I went home to my apartment that afternoon and told my boyfriend what had happened . He consoled me and after dinner asked if I wanted to go out and party with some friends . I said , " No , I plan to go to my house tonight and watch to see if anyone comes to claim those mantle pieces ! " He tried to convince me that I didn 't need to do that since the cops were already involved and they were surely taking care of everything . I didn 't buy it . This was way too important to me to leave it to the police . He agreed to come along . I wanted to sit in the house and wait up , but he suggested that we sit in the car , and if anyone came we could go to the police a little quicker since we were already in the car . ( no cell phones at that time ) That made a little sense I suppose , so I agreed . He had brought along a few beers and a joint to smoke . I said no thanks to both , but he pressed the issue so I drank a beer and took a few hits off the reefer . I watched the house for as long as I could , but before I knew it , I was asleep … . . I woke up in the car with Artie by my side at about 6am . " Oh Shit ! " I said " Artie , wake up ! We fell asleep ! We have to check on the house ! " I ran up to the house and into the back door . The mantles from the downstairs fireplaces were all gone ! and so were 3 of the most beautiful stained glass windows from the living room and entrance way ! I stood there looking at the gaping holes of the window less panes and the stark emptiness of the 3 fireplaces without their mantles . I felt deflated , so completely let down and sick inside to think that someone would do this to a house . My home had been raped . " What the hell happened ? ! " I admonished . " My home has been broken into , defiled , and you did nothing ! I told you all about it ! You said you were going to take care of it ! Where were you last night ? ! How could this happen ? " They asked me some questions about the incident again and again and this is when they put Artie and me into separate rooms and pulled out an ultra violet light and passed it over our clothes and body . I had lots of blue residue on my fingers , my clothes and shoes ! " What is this ? " I asked . " We dusted the house with a special powder after you reported the damage to us yesterday . It shows up with an ultra violet light if someone touches it . You have it all over you . Your boyfriend does not . " He stated calmly . It took me a moment to register the idea . " How could I have it on ME ? Why would I rip off my own house ? Do you think I had anything to do with this ? " I stammered as I struggled to control my emotions . " No , absolutely not ! " I said . " I believed you were going to do something , but I didn 't want to leave it completely up to you , so I stayed up all night to watch the house from the street in my car . But , I fell asleep around 2am and when I woke up at 6am , it was too late , everything was gone . I just don 't get it … . " " Uuuuuggggghhhhh ! " I was so frustrated ! They finally let us go after an hour of interrogation and after going up to the house to see for themselves the damage that was done . Artie and I returned home , I was a mess emotionally and mentally . I couldn 't wrap my head around what had happened . Why hadn 't Artie gotten any of the powder on him ? We were both in the house at the same time when I showed him the mantles . I cried for the loss of my homes beauty and my inability to protect it . The estate got settled , it sold for back taxes ! The culprits of the stolen antiques were not apprehended . The old homes were still being broken into and robbed . Artie and I got married and lived in the little apartment by the water . But , something was not right between us after that night . I couldn 't completely let go of the fact that something was fishy here . That I didn 't have all the facts . Either the police were involved in the robberies or Artie was . It turned out to be the latter . I didn 't find this out until many years after our divorce . We were only married for a year . Artie comes from a large family himself . There were 8 children in all . He lived on the other side of town across the rail road tracks , and it seemed his brothers were literally from the " other side of the tracks " . His 3 older brothers were the ones who were stealing from the old houses in town to get money to purchase drugs , among other things . The pot I smoked that night was laced with something to knock me out . It was Artie 's job to keep an eye on me while his brother 's stole from my family 's home . At some level I knew deep inside that this must have been how it happened all along . It just confirmed my suspicions . He had lived with us when his family kicked him out at 19 years old . He was loved and treated with respect by my family and he was a really good person . He just had misplaced loyalty . That is how I had to look at this whole incident to be able to put it behind me . I have had other relationships since Artie , and the next marriage lasted 21 years ! But , I have to admit that after a betrayal like that one you tend not to trust as easily . Sadly , even now , I find myself relying mostly on Me , Myself and I … . . Tagscold spots , couches , Dogs , Downton Abbey , dumb waiters , fun ! , Green Ghosts , hot chocolate , sleigh riding I only just started writing about my life and the adventures of my youth . It was quite different growing up in the 60 's and 70 's . No internet … . . anywhere ! Never even heard of such a thing . No VCR 's or DVD 's either . Only books and T . V . I loved to read , I escaped into my fairy tales and adventure stories like Robinson Caruso , and Nancy Drew Mysteries every chance I got . My nose was always buried in a book . I loved the idea of being ship wrecked on a deserted island and solving mysteries by following clues . My favorite T . V . shows at one point were " I Dream of Genie " and " Kung Fu " . Oh yes , and " Petticoat Junction " ! My mom was a single mom raising 6 children . We lived in the most amazing house I have ever seen . It was a 21 room , 3 story , Victorian home . The basement alone had 5 large rooms big enough to stand up right in . One of the basement rooms had a fireplace in it that looked like it was used for cooking in some ancient days way before my time . This was situated just below the main kitchen above it . The kitchen in my house had something called a " dumb waiter " located right next to the stove that was set into the large fireplace opening . The dumb waiter had a door that opened up to an inset box . Evidently , you would put a cup of tea , or something to eat in the little box , close the door and use the pulley system to deliver the food upstairs , within the walls to the 2nd and 3rd floors . We loved to use it as kids ! My mom would discourage it because she said she didn 't want us to break it . What the heck , it had been in service for at least 100 years before we got our hands on it ? The house was built in 1865 ! Needless to say , we played " Maid and Royalty " games amongst each other every chance we got ! There was also a spot under the rug in the living room that if you stepped on it , a bell would ring in the kitchen ! Oh , we were living in " Downton Abbey " now ! One of the openings The 3rd floor had 4 large rooms and a bathroom . The bedroom at the top of the stairs is where my grand mother later took up residence . Finally , we had a recipient to send tea up to ! Her room had a large walk - in closet that was quite dark ( no light ) and if you ventured into it deep enough , you would bump into an old vintage sewing mannequin . Imagine how you would feel as a youngster exploring your Granny 's dark closet ( with a flash light of course ) and coming face to face with this … It stood as tall as a 5 year old child and gave us all the creeps ! So , we decided to only go into that closet when we were in pairs of 2 or 3 and only then to play " Green Ghost " , the game my sister and I got for Christmas that year . It is a game you play in the dark since all the game pieces and the board glow in the dark . You would go around the board with a little glowing ghost and when you came upon a trap door , you would have to put your hand in there and try to figure out what you were touching … . It could be something like worms , gooey stuff , or feathery spiders . Hey , I did say I liked adventure … Just not alone ! I was dating a boy from the other side of the tracks . I don 't mean that in a bad way , he literally lived on the other side of the railroad tracks in town . He would come up to the house ( we lived at the top of a steep hill called Mount Avenue ) and we would take my siblings out to sleigh ride in the winter . The town closed Mount Avenue during and the day after heavy snow storms so that the kids could go sleigh riding down it . We would take my brother John and Bambi and Cyd to go sleigh riding during times like this . It was great fun and most of the neighborhood was there . The street lights would light up the street once it got dark around 6pm . Most families came and brought thermos ' of hot chocolate to share with the local kids . We had a blast ! In those days we got quite a bit of snow in the winter in New Jersey . Now , we had an old couch at our house that we finally decided to get rid of . At that time , you simply left your old discarded furniture and garbage out on the curb for the garbage man to take away on garbage day . That couch stayed at our curb for weeks because for some reason they wouldn 't take it ! I finally got sick of seeing it there and hearing everyone complain that the garbage men weren 't doing there job . So , my boyfriend and I decided to do something about it . It was one of those snow storm days when they had just closed off Mount Avenue . We waited for the curfew for people to stop riding the hill ( which was 9pm ) and we put our plan into action . We carried the couch to the top of Mount Avenue and pushed it down the hill ! It went down , flying like a snow bird in paradise ! Good thing Mount Avenue is a straight away and our couch had good alignment ! She went straight to the bottom of the hill ( where the police station was ! ) and sat there until morning when the town woke up to greet it ! ; 0 )

Name : zelda1 I live in a small town and enjoy writing about the inhabitants . I spend most of my time perusing through used book stores looking for that one great book that I don 't have ; consequently , I have rooms filled with books . I am a book addict . Yesterday morning , Mr . Zelda slipped . He was in the shower and slipped , while he didn 't fall , he did lunge forward and sideways at the same time . I didn 't see this almost fall , but he limped downstairs to relive the incident with not only movement but sound effects . " I went , OHHHHH . " That kind of thing . Anyway , so he goes to school , I go to school and while he told me his knee really hurt , I thought , since he didn 't fall , that it was fine . I left school early to go to my uncle 's funeral , and after the funeral , Mr . Zelda and I meet up . He is limping and can barely get into the car . I take him to a doc in the box place . The doctor , who was maybe five , moved his leg this way and that way and reluctantly x - rayed it . Boy was she and I both surprised when the x - ray revealed a broken leg , and you ask , " How guilty do you feel ? " So , we leave the truck on the campus down the mountain , and I am driving us both up the mountain . He is almost knocked out from good drugs . I pass a big truck and all of a sudden a truck comes up behind me , the driver had his lights on high and was blinking them off and on , and he was honking his horn , and I was going to get over into the other lane , but first I had to clear the other truck . That maniac began going around me before I could get over and had I not moved over , he would have killed us . When he gets around us , something hits our car , and I 'm thinking he threw something out of the truck . I tried to get his tag number and just my luck he pulls over . I go about a mile up the road and pull over too . I call the state police , all I want is the tag number so I can get insurance information . The police tell me to stay put , and if the guy leaves to follow at a safe distance . The police arrive and the guy is dog drunk and they arrest him . Yes , he even tried to get physical with the state police . Can you imagine ? So , the police arrest him and tell me to have my car looked over and if there is damage , to call him and he will make sure the right insurance information is obtained . posted by zelda1 | 5 : 15 AM Okay , I 'm here at school and in the computer lab doing research . On the news the stories about the reporter who was bombed and they give the guys name . I am so sorry for what he is going through but they give his name and the camera man , who I might add was very much injured as he the newsman , well the camera man is just the camera man . No name , no real information . He is a camera man . How sad . There are some things for sure like taxes , social change , and death , but there are other things for sure too , like graduate school egomaniac professors . I had two of those certainties . One hated women , hated minority groups , hated the South , hated the other professors , and more importantly , he hated his students . The first day of class , he informed us that not once in his entire career teaching at our university had he ever read a paper worthy of an A . He also said that he gave A 's out of the kindness of his heart and if you made a B in his class , and he goes on to give us the name of a few of the grad students he had given B 's to , but if you made a B in the class , it was because you were a village idiot . One day he yelled out Pussy Power . Just like that , in class where , on that day , I was the only female . After class , I , and I know I shouldn 't have , but I told him that it was wrong for him to embarrass me like that and how would he feel if he were in a roomful of women and the leader of the women yelled out penis , but using the slang C word , power . Throughout the semester he attacked Native Americans as being sore losers , African Americans as being whiners , and women for being out of their place . I even told him that I was Jewish because of the conversation that he and a fellow student were having about the wandering Jew and how the stereotypes are not without truth . Then when he started about the Native Americans , I told him my husband was Indian . I mean , I wanted him to shut the fuck up about people he had no right putting down . He said he hated fat people because it showed they had a lack of control but found a few fat men funny , and he enjoyed being around them so he could laugh at them . I am fat , and so guess how awful that made me feel . He denied that ever has there been a good female novelists and resents that a few have been canonized . ( He knew that I was a writer because one of his former students told him that I was a good writer , trying to pave the way for me to be on the guys good graces . ) My feposted by zelda1 | 4 : 17 AM Buttons got here yesterday afternoon . It has been over two weeks since I last saw him , I think two weeks . Anyway , my son says Button 's mother , who is my daughter , asked him to watch him all weekend , and as soon as she left , he brought the baby to me . So , since his arrival , I have not let the sweet baby out of my sight . Last night , we made a run to Target 's to get him shoes , yes she has lost yet another pair of shoes , and a couple of new toys , and he needed clothes . ( My son said all the clothes that we have bought him are dirty , piled in the bathroom floor ) . He picked a huge ball and a little musical toy . I tell you , my poor baby never leaves the house except to go to some other house . As soon as we got inside the store , his eyes lit up , and he smiled at all the people and at all the things . He clapped his hands as if it were the first time he had ever been inside a store . I know this is not true , but you can tell it is not something he does a lot . This morning , my son is asleep , Mr . Zelda is at work , and Buttons and I are watching the squirrels and intermittently making music . At this very moment , he is putting fish / cheese crackers inside a plastic container . For the rest of the day , I am happy . Okay , last night , Mr . Zelda and I ordered from the pizza guy . I can 't really eat the pizza because of my stomach , but I did order some very mild wings . While I 'm eating the wings , I feel such guilt , because for every two wings , a chicken is killed . So , I swear the wings off for about the hundredth time in a few days and after watching television , bathing , and reading for a while , I go to bed . I had this nightmare about baby chickens being deep - fried alive in a thick batter and for some reason , the poor things lived and they were trying to hop off of my plate and I was trying to figure out if it was best to go on and kill them and eat them or should I try to apply silvadene cream to their burns . Oh my gods , I was so distressed . So , today , I will never eat another wing , no never . I am finished with the chicken . It 's cold and rainy , my kind of day . I 'm working on my presentation for The Enlightenment class and need to run to the used book store to , well to peruse . I want a good biography on Milton . I know the used book store will have something , but the rain is keeping me in . I just have one more day of antibiotics , and I 'm afraid if I get out , well I will get sick . So , while I 'm enjoying the rain , I feel like a prisoner . I did make some chili and a pan of Mexican cornbread , and a loaf of banana bread . I had three mushy bananas and decided to make use of them . I also had a lot of left over beans and stuff to make the chili . Saturday is usually soup day , but today it 's chili . Anyway , while I was sitting up to study , you know getting the right books , notebooks , pencils , and notepads , I noticed that my work station was a little more cluttered than normal , so I took an inventory . Mr . Zelda 's work table was all cleaned off and neat , so I looked at the added stuff on my desk top and low and behold Mr . Zelda 's things , like last semester 's notebooks , and books , and papers , and folders , and empty medicine bottles , and scrap paper , and unused math stuff , well they were here on my desk . I immediately called him and wanted to know if he put them there for me to toss in the trash or did he think I needed them , or just what were his things doing on my desk . HA ! He goes into this long excuse that he was just cleaning his space and forgot to put his stuff up . I say likely story but nonetheless , the new me , the one who can 't take care of him , well she put his stuff right back on his desk . It 's bad enough that I wash , fold , and put up his underwear , and hang up his shirts and pants , but I have to draw the line somewhere or I cease being a wife and become a secretary / personal assistant / mother to the man who is my equal . No way . Oh , oh , my son just called and I 'm getting the baby for two whole days . Yes , she , my daughter , wants to party and he , my son refused to babysat , so she , my daughter , told him to bring Buttons tposted by zelda1 | 10 : 43 AM I started out with nine graduate hours and three undergraduate hours . I was keeping up , lots of reading , but then , this ulcer thing has come up . There are going to be some test where I will have to be knocked out on valium , oh too bad for me , but I figure on those two days that those two tests are done , I will miss two classes . I had to decide how I can stay on top of classes , missing classes , and still trying to read all those books and prepare for presentations . So , I decided that I would just drop the one class , the medieval history class . I hated doing it , in fact , I cried all day . I loved the class , but I have to make sure that I have excellent grades and nine graduate hours plus the three undergraduate was too much . So today , according to my reading schedule , I have about four hours free . I 'm running over to the library as soon as it opens . That 's what I 'm doing . Here 's the thing . I have an ulcerated stomach and small intestine . Not a lot in the intestine , and they are located close to the pyloric sphincter , which makes it pretty easy to treat , or so the surgeon says . My symptoms were burning before I ate , after I ate , and during eating . So , I go to the doctor . I have always had stomach problems . So , they order tests , and I 'm thinking it 's something little , like a need to change medications . My theory on how my stomach got into such a mess , antibiotics . I have been on them non stop for about two years , the reason for the need for antibiotics , pneumonia . So the doctor , who by the way is the one who removed Mr . Zelda 's appendix a few years back , shows me the x - ray reports , ct scans , and all of that and even draws me a picture . Okay , I 'm getting all of this information . He then says , let 's do a sleep apnea test . I say why , and he says sometimes oxygen deprivation during sleep causes ulcers , I say , I don 't have sleep apnea , he says , let 's see . Then he says he wants to scope me , which I have been scoped and while going down the top isn 't as bad as going up the rear , it 's still not pleasant , other than the valium . His recommendation at this point , or what he feels needs to be done , is make sure there is no cancer , make sure that sleep deprivation isn 't a cause , and to cut the ulcers out . OUCH ! I asked him was there not another way , and he says , not at this point . He says that I 'm oozing a little blood . Okay , last year , about this same time , I was preparing for a total abdominal hysterectomy , and now in this . Okay , I can do this , I know I can , it 's all a matter of planning . If I can get the doctor to wait until spring break , I can go in on a Thursday before spring break , have surgery , get out over the weekend , and spend all of spring break getting back on my feet . Sounds like a plan , but if one of those ulcers should begin to bleed , well then it would require immediate attention and that ruins my plan . My point of this revelation is that for a long time , posted by zelda1 | 4 : 32 AM Okay , I have a lot of blogs that I visit , and I need to put them on the side of my post , but I don 't know how . Once I tried it , but gave up for lack of time . If anyone knows how to do this , will you send me the directions ? I would be forever grateful not to mention how smart it will make me look when new people come to my site . And , it can give others good places to go . Yesterday was bitter sweet . All week , I had been anticipating having both grandsons . My son was going to sneak them up to me . Sneak them to me , isn 't that ridiculous ? Well , at the last minute crazy psycho drug addicted daughter was on to him and refused to let him leave the house with the boys . So , I have made arrangements to see Poseidon through his other grandparents , but Buttons has to come from her end . I did talk to him on the phone , and he said , " Nana , Nana , Granddad , and froggy . " Those are the three things he really loves . I know this because the first thing he does when I see him is run and climb in my lap and hug and kiss me , and then he asks for Granddad , and then finally froggy . I don 't send froggy home with him because she would leave it somewhere . She can 't even keep up with the baby 's shoes . But , but the sweet was my adopted granddaughter came for the afternoon . It was so much fun . We colored , looked for mythological coloring pages , played games , and finally quizzed each other over Mythology , fairy tales , and Princess stories . It was really fun seeing how smart that one is . She actually asked me a question that I didn 't know , well I knew it but it was one of those words that didn 't come out for the longest time and when it did , she had started saying it , so I was counted a big fat X mark . Maybe next weekend will be pretty and all three kids can come up , and we can take a lunch to the park and play on the rock castle . Maybe . My son did say that she is getting really tired of not having me have the baby . Also , the lawyer , especially the prosecuting attorney , is very optimistic that she will be jailed for probation violation . It 's just a matter of time for these things to work is what they say . Hope so , and that sounds awful . I would rather my daughter quit the dope , quit running with losers , and get her life back . That 's what I want more than anything , but while I am waiting for that , I can 't subject my grandsons to her dangerous life . My friends came up , and we went out to eat , and then off to the movies . It was great . I have to tell you , my friends are decades younger than I . So , when we are talking , which is what we did after the movie , came back here and talked , we have much to offer to each other . It is hard for them to believe that when I was a teenager , girls did not wear pants to school , not until I was about to graduate . They were amazed that I saw the technology of panty hose . Yep , panty hoses . I remember my first pair . OH MY GOD , got rid of the garter belt for good . I also remember no microwaves , no computers , no colored televising and much more of the not - around - type of stuff . We also discussed mythology and Biblical myth , which are my favorite subjects . I love to compare the myths of the Bible to the myths of Gilgamesh , Popul Vuh , Egyptian , Greek , and even Roman myths . I adore Norse myths , Native American myth , which , by the way , I grew up with , and all other myths . I hear something that sounds like an archetype or a myth , I search for the truth , or the genesis of it , and usually , I find it . So , it was nice sitting there with my young friends , one of which is a young boy and a history major , a soon - to - graduate young woman , who will apply to graduate school up here , and a cute and charming early twenties girl , who looks like a child and is so smart and cleaver and mature for her age and what she has been through . So , we all get so heated and passionate about what we are talking about that we have to back off and remember that all of us can 't talk at once . It 's awesome . They are all three good kids , and yes they are kids . I see great things for all of them , and hope they stay in school and that they stay focused , and have their PhD 's early and can make a mark on the world that has a long and fruitful stay . Sometimes , it is so cool being me and having the friends and opportunities that I have , and sometimes , I have enough friends to soothe the pain that lies just under the surface . Today , I 'm watching my adopted granddaughter , posted by zelda1 | 6 : 40 AM We did it , we watched Brokeback Mountain . I have to tell you , I was a little afraid that the audience , mostly middle aged and teenagers , would not see the beauty of the story . There were a few times when a person or two would laugh inappropriately , but I think it was nervousness . During the entire movie , people were as breathless and on the edge as was I . When it was over , I expected applause , but most people quietly got up , a few wiping tears , and as a group we mulled toward the exit . By the way , the theater was jammed packed , as we say here in the hills . I recommend for everyone to go see the movie , it 's a powerful movie . Now , to get to see Capote and Pride and Prejudice and I will have the movie list pretty much caught up . I hate it when I can 't breathe as I imagine most people would and do . So , I 'm on an antibiotic and I 'm getting IV antibiotics and I 'm taking steroids . The steroids , wow , do they push me into mania . I don 't sleep , can 't stop thinking , and general everything is amplified . So , I have four more days of steroids , and after that , I can go back to my normal insane self , not the one I have become . The bright side , my cabinets are way organized , and I 'm working on the closets . Every cloud has a silver lining . Right ? The things I like about this semester : I like my classes . I like my professors . So far . I have friends in all of my classes but one , and it looks like my fellow students will be easy to warm up to , they are actually my age . I love what I 'm getting to read . I found out why my belly hurts , and the good news , it 's not cancer . I have such good friends . I think , and I 'm keeping my fingers crossed , but my heavy smoking neighbors are moving . YEAH ! Finally , two more left , yep , two more semesters left . My friend , New - Teacher - Girl , told me about Brokeback Mountain coming to the Hill . So , tonight , a group of us are going , and tomorrow , I am watching my friend 's daughter while they go . Maybe , just maybe , the Hill will allow Capote too . Would that be too much to ask for ? Oh , I think Mr . Zelda is even going too , not that he is opposed to Brokeback Mountain , but he thinks it will be a chick flick type movie . I keep telling him that he needs to broaden his horizons . I have yet to see Pride and Prejudice , but I 'm going . Oh Yeah . Okay , I can 't sleep , so I 'm surfing the net , drinking coffee , and waiting for Mr . Zelda to wake so that I can make him breakfast . I find this story , go to the link below , and it kills me . A man and woman and their four children shot by American troops and the final word of the American military , it was incident report . Four children killed , a woman shot almost dead , her husband almost dead , please go read the story . http : / / www . cnn . com / 2006 / US / 01 / 20 / crowley . btsc / index . html My classes are so cool . I love all my professors , well so far I do . My literary theory guy is a low talker but he stands in front of me and so until I get my hearing aides , I think I can survive . My enlightenment guy , is young and cute and energetic , he reminds me of my favorite English teacher from undergrad . , my Chaucer teacher , and he also reminds me of my African American Teacher , both of which were my favorite teachers . I went up before class and told him that I was very hard of hearing and if he didn 't mind talking loudly or allowing me to look at my friends notes during class , at least until I get my hearing aides . He was so cool about it , and stood near my desk and kept facing me so that I was able to read his lips . It was great . My Latin teacher is the same one from last semester and he talks loud and repeats everything and writes a lot on the board , so keep up with him is no big deal . Plus , I can email him and say , I didn 't catch this or that and he will send me what he said . This semester seems so much more right than last semester . My professors are much more positive and their lectures reflect their desire to teach , plus they ask questions that aren 't meant to trick or embarrass us . I am going to the history class today , a class I will probably drop , but my class mates , those who know this teacher and have taken her says , don 't drop her , she is really cool and while there is a lot of work , she is so easy and helpful . Plus , they say , you learn so much about medieval Rome . Now , that 's what I need , to learn about Rome . I need to learn about the BC stuff . Yep , this semester is going to be my oyster , or so I hope . By the way , my son called me and let me talk to the baby , Buttons jabbered and he also said Nanna , Granddad , and nooooo , and I love you . He , my son , is going to bring both boys up Saturday . He said she , my daughter asked him to watch the boys , which means she is going to get drugs , cook drugs , or just take drugs . IN any event , she will be gone Saturday and Saturday night , so my son andposted by zelda1 | 6 : 47 AM I am so keeping up this semester . Yep , I have already read tomorrow 's assignments ; even though I am not going to be in class ( have two doctor 's appointments ) . I am finished with today 's assignments , and have already begun doing next week 's stuff . No playing around for this old woman . But , my doctor puts me on this antibiotic , I 'm on it at least twice a year , very strong but very effective against hypostatic pneumonia , which is what I have , caused by so many asthma attacks and having the products of the attacks staying in my lungs while I sleep . That causes me to get pneumonia . Anyway , always he says , it 'll give you a bad taste . I say , I know . He says , your food will taste funny . I say , I know . He says , take it with food . I say , I know . Now remember , this doctor is one of the kids that I babysat for , his parents were friends of my older brother , and they had two sons . One night , their mother had a massive heart attack ; the boys were 1 and 2 . So , every summer and holidays , I took care of them while their father worked , ( basically to give the grandparents a break ) and I took care of them when he went places . I also ironed and cleaned their house a few days a week , so I was real close to those boys and remained close to them , even now . I was reluctant when our insurance made me switch to his group of doctors , because , well he is like family , but he is so good , and will see me in the middle of the night , call medicine in for me , and basically is my own private doctor . I still call him Skippy . Yep , right in the office , I say Skippy where 's your coat , where 's your gloves , all of that . He laughs . Anyway , the truth about the strong antibiotic is that it only makes my coffee taste bad . Another truth about the medication and all the other antibiotics that I 've been on , plus the arthritis medications , is that I have developed a series of ulcers - two small ones in my stomach and three in my upper small intestine . After doing the ultrasound , the Ct scan , the UGI , Skippy has decided to send me to a surgeon . Hposted by zelda1 | 5 : 54 AM I am at my lowest point . It started Saturday night . My neighbors on both sides smoke , and Saturday night , both sides decided to entertain and their visitors spent a lot of time on the tiny patios smoking . It was sort of nice out and we had our patio door open , but we were up stairs . I began wheezing and soon following came a huge asthma attack . We realized our apartment was infiltrated with cigarette smoke , so we closed the door and turned on the fan above the stove . Some of our neighbor 's guests were in the parking lot near our front door smoking as well and the smoke continued to invade our space . I was up until five am fighting to breathe . The attacks continued until Monday around noon and finally my breathing seemed to get better . Tuesday morning I was filling with fluids and knew that I had bronchitis or pneumonia , so I went to the doctor . My doctor 's office is in my home town an hour and half away . I thought I would take Buttons some diapers and a few of his clothes that he left . First the doctor , I have pneumonia and had to shots in my rear end and am now on steroids and antibiotics - great for my first day back to school . After the doctor 's visit , I went to my house where my daughter and grandson and my son live . I barely knocked on the door , in case he was napping , and when no one answered , I peeked in the window and saw the baby alone . He was sitting in the floor , no shirt on , not pants on , just a diaper . He wasn 't playing , just sitting with this look . So , I opened the door and a huge smile came over his face and he ran to me and tried to climb up my legs . I picked him up and his diaper weighed more than him . She was a sleep on the sofa under three blankets . She opened her eyes and I said , " Why isn 't the baby dressed ? " She yelled , " Shut the fuck up . " I said , " Get him some clothes and a diaper , and I 'll dress him . " She jumped up and threw a diaper but said he wasn 't cold . I say you are dressed and under three blankets , don 't you think he is cold ? It went from bad to worse with posted by zelda1 | 3 : 17 AM I miss my Buttons . Today I took a nap and slept with his pajamas . I know that is really weird , but the last night he was here when I took them off of him to dress him , I put them in his bed and so today I went over to take his sheets off to be washed and there they were , Sponge Bob pajamas . I called to see how he was doing . My daughter said he was fine and she sounded okay too . My son is there and says everything is okay . So , I was able to sleep a few hours , and I just took his little pajamas to bed with me . He 'll be back Friday night . That 's four days away , I can handle this . I really can . Okay , here 's the thing . My husband is in undergraduate school and is taking many of the classes that I have already taken . I still have all my English books , so when he takes these classes , he uses my books . This morning he announces that he needs my reasoning books . I say they are on the shelf , he says where , I say there , he says I don 't have time for this , I say neither do I . Before he walks out the door , he says just find the books . Now , I found the Chaucer book , which was on the shelf with British Lit . I found the Novel books , which were on the American Lit shelf . See where I 'm going with this ? The books are there , organized , he just refuses to look . He sees me as his personal secretary , his assistant , his laundry woman , his cook , his everything . So today , I refuse to find the book . It 's there , on the shelf with philosophy books . How hard is that ? My grandson is going back to his mom . It 's true she took him Christmas Eve and swore that I wasn 't going to get him again , then she brought him back and he was with me for a few days and then she took him again , and last week , she brought him back . I tried to get him in daycare but without his parent 's consent , they would not take him . I explained that his mother was not in the best of shape , and it 's just a matter of time before I have custody , but they said , " She will have to sign him up . " She , of course , refused to sign him up for daycare , so , he isn 't in daycare , and today , he is going home . That means that in a few days , he will be back and I will not have child care . I wish my daughter would think more clearly and sign custody over to me . It makes sense for a lot of reasons : first if she gets busted , which is sure to happen , Buttons doesn 't have to spend one minute in foster care . Second , in my care , he is safe and would be provided for , cared for , and never neglected . And third , living with her puts him at risk for a lot of things , the primary thing being injury from neglect . The second being social retardation because he gets no stimulation from her . Fortunately , my son is living there now , and he takes care of Buttons , or at least until he has to be at work . Tuesday , I will try again to get her probation officer to do a surprise drug test , so far , all she does is warn my daughter that jail is in her future if she gets one more complaint about her . The probation department , at least in our state , is a joke . They collect the fine money , the court money , and the probation money , yet , they don 't provide any form of follow - up care which would stop the offender from re - offending . So , I 'm back to being in a nice big fat pickle with no where to go except down . I need to go pack Buttons ' clothes . Damn , I wish I could force my daughter into drug rehab . Arkansas has such a drug problem , especially with women , but they have no provisions for rehabilitation . Maybe , I 'll send him his favorite bposted by zelda1 | 6 : 06 AM I miss by huge back yard . I really miss my trees and especially my huge oak tree , but most of all , I miss the birds and squirrels that live in the trees and bushes around my place . So , I started feeding the birds and squirrels . I have yet to buy a real bird feeder or squirrel feeder , so I put a wicker plate filled with dried fruit , nuts , and bread on the top of a stack of milk cartons . At first the birds were shy . They would eat before I opened the curtain that hangs in front of my patio door . Okay , but they were eating . Then I had one squirrel . He monopolized the feeding place until all the nuts were gone , then he wondered away . In the last few days , two more squirrels have been coming around for a little mid morning snack . Okay , I 'm not upset , the more the merrier , so I just put extra food out for the birds . This morning , curtains open , wicker plate empty , I 'm drinking coffee and the squirrel that I named sassy comes right up to the patio window and peeks in , when he sees me , he twitches his tail . So , like a good trained human , I go get nuts and bread , and chopped up carrots and bananas . I 'm such a sucker for a pretty face . Okay , I 'm channel surfing , and I land on GAG , which is a country western station . I land there because I see John Lennon in like a video , and I 'm interested . But , but , it wasn 't him singing , no it was a blond woman with huge breasts and long red nails and big puffy hair . It was Dolly Pardon singing , get this , Imagine . Can you imagine ? I know there are some things better left alone and Imagine was one of those songs that only sounded right being done by the Beatles . While I like Dolly Pardon and realize she has a talent for song writing , she should , never , ever , try to redo a Beatles ' song . So , if you see it , you are not experiencing an acid back flash as I first thought I was doing , you are not in some weird dream , you are not , in fact , in some bizarreo world , and you haven 't entered the twilight zone , nope she did it . Imagine that . It is really very cold today , and there is a rumor we might get snow . I 'm hoping the rumor is fact , and that we get a really good snow and ice storm . I know that 's not what most people wish for , but I like the extreme . IN fact , when I finally get my Master 's and if I decide to go else where for my PhD , I am going to pick a cold and snowy state . I , too , will pick a snowy state to teach . I 'm thinking right on the border , way up north . Now , Mr . Zelda , he likes the tropical climate , and he is trying to convince me to move to the Keys . While I like the Keys , I don 't think I would like living there year in and year out . Nope , that would be too depressing . Imagine no snow . So , right now , I am watching the squirrels , missing my grandson , who my daughter has taken away , and waiting for the snow . Yes , she took him and won 't give him back . I don 't have a legal leg to stand on . I have to just wait until she decides to bring him back , which usually happens in a day or so . My son is there with her in my house , and I know Buttons is safe , but , I was going to slowly get him use to the day care center , and she has messed this all up . My son told me that if she leaves , he will call me and I can come and get the baby . When she leaves , it usually means she is going to get cranked up and when she is cranked up , well , unfortunately her children are the last thing she thinks about . So , I 'm hoping that she will not do drugs , first and foremost , I 'm hoping she becomes what I know she is capable of being , a good mother , but if she doesn 't , I am going back and taking my grandson . Last night , my son said she is clean , that she went to her probation officer , and the probation officer threatened to put her in jail if she heard one more complaint about her from anyone . She also told my daughter that she was having the police watch her . So , maybe this will scare her enough . I can only hope , right . My son is there and will monitor the situation . Oh , that was what he gave me for Christmas , he moved in with my daughter , so he coulposted by zelda1 | 6 : 56 AM Last night , after the writer 's group meeting , I met with my son . We haven 't had a chance to talk , just the two of us , in about a month . We either have my grandsons , which I don 't mind , or my husband , which I don 't mind either , but my son and I have an extra bond that goes beyond mother and son , and I think it is because he was my primary care giver when I was paralyzed . He and I also have suffered through my daughter 's drug addiction , and that , too , made our bond grow stronger . I have to say , my son is perfect in every way . He is kind and considerate and always tries to help people when they are in need . He was only 13 when I was hit by the drunk driver . It was my son who stayed in the hospital with me almost every single night . He told me what my sisters were discussing ; it was he who told me they had mentioned a nursing home placement , and it was because of him that I was able to go home . You see , he , at age 13 , took the responsibility of taking care of me . NO , I mean really taking care of me . We lived next to the school , so the teachers allowed him to come home every hour to turn me , to change me , to get me up and put me down . He rolled my wheel chair into the shower and sprayed with the shower hose and all the while I 'm crying and he is saying , " Mom , I have my eyes closed . " How precious . When he was 15 , he took a part time job at the local grocery store , they loved him , and because he worried about me , he sent his friends to check on me , every hour . If I needed something , they helped . Really , helped me get into and out of bed , if I needed other more intimate care , they went to his job , took his place sacking , and he came home to tend to me . When he was 17 , he bought his first car . His friends and my son never went too far away from my house . If they did , they took me with . Yes , I have been to every single ball game , although I read , they took me to a wrestling match in Little Rock , I sat in the parking lot and read . While they took me to things that interested their young taste , they included me . Iposted by zelda1 | 5 : 11 AM Okay , I have an appointment with the staff of the daycare center where my grandson will be during my school hours . I 'm not nervous , but I am worried . You know , worried that he will be stressed by being left with strangers . I am also worried that he will be traumatized . It was hard , back in the day when I had to leave my children , one of which is his mother , in daycare . I remember dropping my two little angels off , and I cried all the way to work . My thoughts never left the children . I called often and worried constantly . Sometimes , I took off work early just so I could drop in and see what they were doing , and always , they were playing or in art or some kind of structured activity . I was lucky , I had a good day care , but I spent months looking for the perfect one . Now , well it 's the same , I don 't want to leave my grandson , but I have too , I have to finish school , or can I stop long enough for him to get old enough to go to school , or his mother get her life together . NO , I won 't . He will be okay , I know he will . Plus , I am only leaving him half a day . That 's not even four hours . Is that bad ? What if he cries , can I take that ? I am so stressed about all of this . Right now , I am on the verge of tears . I don 't want him staying with strangers . I will spend the first week or two with him , at least I will take him for an entire day of which I will stay from 8 until noon , and then I will go to class . During those mornings , I am hoping it will ease him enough that he realizes he isn 't being abandoned . Maybe I 'm making too much out of this . I don 't know , I just don 't want him to be affected by this separation from first his mother , and then from me . Mr . Zelda says not to worry , that he will check on him too , and on his light days , meaning when he only has classes and no work , he will pick him up early . So , truthfully , he probably won 't even spend 20 hours a week in day care , that 's not much time . Plus on Fridays , I just have one class and it 's an hour class over by 2 : 30 , so he will only be in day posted by zelda1 | 8 : 46 AM So we have friends over , young friend ; friends of mine from undergraduate school . I find out , through the course of the evening , that I am younger than their parents . Yeah ! So what does that mean ? Anyway , we eat chicken wings , bean dip , cheese dip , and lots of chips . Then , I say let 's have wine coolers , an easy drink for me . They say yeah . So Mr . Zelda goes out and finds a store and buys wine coolers . My friends and I , all over 21 , drink wine coolers ; I only drink two and because my normal bedtime is as soon as it gets dark , and I 'm drinking wine coolers , and I 'm old , I began to have a little slurred speech , not much , but a little . Then , I have trouble holding my eyes open , not both just one , one would almost close , then the other , and it was a chore to keep them open , and I 'm thinking it 's because of the sleep and it being after midnight , and so I try and I try to stay awake and not appear intoxicated because I wasn 't and I don 't want the young kids to think I am a light weight drinker . I want to tell them to call my writer 's group and they can vouch that I can drink two wine coolers without passing out , but the damage to reputation is there , I , in their eyes , am a light weight . So , between one and sometime , they leave , I slowly ascend the stairs to my room , and while Mr . Zelda gets the bed ready , I start to throw off clothes , first the top , then the bottoms , then the rest , and I plop onto the bed , don 't have trouble finding that spot in the bed and on the pillow , don 't have my hair put into braids , and within minutes , I am asleep . So , when I get up , I go to the bathroom , look in the mirror , and all my hair is all over the place , I looked like medusa , no really . And I try to wash my face but instead , I drink and drink and drink , from the faucet , city water , not bottled , and from the bathroom , did I tell you that I am a germ phobic ? Yuck . I drag myself down the stairs and find my kitchen filled with left over bottles , dishes , and think , fuck , did I do all of that , and must have , and then I makposted by zelda1 | 7 : 17 AM During the time of the My Lai Massacre , I was 12 or 13 . In case some of you don 't remember or are to young to know , A group of soldiers known as Charlie Company led by Lt . William Callie went into My Lai , a Vietnamese village filled with only old men , women , and children , and they slaughtered 400 of these innocent people . If it had not been for the heroic action of another soldier , who landed his helicopter between the Vietnamese and Charlie Company , there would have been more than 400 dead . IN fact , one man shot himself in the foot so he could be air lifted out and not have to kill the innocent . For more information go here : http : / / www . rotten . com / library / history / war - crimes / my - lai - massacre / and then I think of the words to that song , " War , good god y ' all , what is it good for , absolutely nothing " and then I wish that our soldiers didn 't have to go there and make those choices of going along with the orders or the crowd or what ever and commit these acts against humanity . For a men to kill innocent men , women , and especially children , there has to be a major flaw in their personalities , and unfortunately for us , many of those flawed personalities are in charge of our men and women serving in Iraq . This brings me to what it was I was trying to say . The press coverage of the Mi Lai Massacre has haunted me for decades . I wasn 't there , I didn 't shoot or see anyone get shot , but I did see the trials , read the papers , and learned , over time , the atrocities that were committed . It affected me . If this affects me so , and sometimes I find it hard to cope , how will those soldiers who are there and who witnessing or participating in the killings and torturing fare ? It 's so time for this war to end and for our boys and girls to come home . My seven - year - old grandson says , " Nana , you sure know a lot . " I say , " I 'm old . " Grandson says , " Who taught you to make bread ? " I say , " My mother . " Grandson , " Who taught you to find fossils . " I say , " I research and I learned from my teachers in school . " Grandson , " Who taught you to make fast paper airplanes ? " I say , " My brother . " Finally the questions end , and he goes back to drawing bats in a cave . ( A new fascination , the bats - from vampires to bats , both I like . ) When he finished , he brought it over for me to look at . " Well , " I say , " I guess that is the best cave full of bats that I have ever seen . " Tempted to ask him who taught him , I waited . He , almost as tall as I , crawls onto my lap and does his best attempt to cuddle in my arms , and I try as hard as I can to hold him in spite of his size . He points to his birthmark and says let me see yours . We have the same one , a long brown mark under our right floating rib . I show him the mark and he traces my surgical scar and asks , " Did it hurt ? " " No , " I say , " I was a sleep . " He looks at my hands , my eyes , and tells me he thinks his eyes are turning green , like mine . I look into his dark coffee - colored eyes and tell him that I hope they stay brown , that brown eyes are my favorite . He smiles . Grandson , " I made the cave and bats like the ones you used to draw for me . " I smile but truthfully have forgotten teaching him to draw bats , but must have . He gets back down in the floor and then whispers , " I like it when the baby takes a nap . I get you all to myself . " I smile and whisper back , " Me too , I like watching you draw . " On our way home , we stopped at a restaurant that was a no smoking restaurant . We are spoiled , living here on the Hill . We don 't have to endure the smell of smoke while we eat or shop or any other indoor type of activity . Smoking , in our city , has been banned . But , on our way home from Houston , we stopped at a Family restaurant and on the door was a sign that said , " No Smoking . " Okay , we go in and order our food and some time during the meal , a man lights up a cigarette , right next to our table . I have asthma and began wheezing and my meal is ruined and I do my inhaler and we go to the front of the restaurant and Mr . Zelda says we thought this was a No Smoking establishment , and they say it is and we say but that guy is smoking and she says it 's not Sunday and I say what does that mean and she says we only have no smoking on Sundays I say can we have a table in the non smoking part of the restaurant so we can finish our food without me dying and she says pick any table and I say is that table in the non smoking and she says on Sundays . Geeze are these people from Texas are what ? I guess this trip liberated me . I mean , I know that I have no reason to worry about what they , my family , think of me . I don 't care of they don 't understand why I want to get my PhD . I don 't care of they have a good or bad opinion of me . I guess it was their questions about why I needed so much education just to teach English , or their jealousy , yes , I saw it , or their looks . I know you guys who have sisters know what I mean . They ask a question , and I really don 't want them knowing anything about my life , but I have to answer , and so they have me trapped and I begin showing my passion , I hated it , that part of my life being seen by them , but I tell them a little more than I intended , and I look toward one of the sisters and quickly see her give the other sisters that look , that look I know so well . It was then that I remembered all those years when I was a child and then an adolescent , and I remembered how they did the same thing , and why I was not ever able to discuss what I was learning in school , what I was reading , what I was doing . Why is it that the people who are suppose to provide you with a safe and comfortable place to go are the very ones who set the traps that put the scars on your heart that last a life time ? And the really sad thing , you can 't just tell them to get the fuck away . I am back , back from the worst trip that I have ever taken . My niece was buried yesterday , and while it was a very sad occasion , it doesn 't take away from the fact that all of my siblings are racists ' pigs . I tried to reason with them , tried to enlighten them , but it was to no avail . They are convinced that the border should be closed and no non - white immigrants should ever enter our country again . I became so angry that I spent a lot of time outside . It is really sad . My niece , who died , and her brother both have daughters who are married to Latinos . Their little children range from dark hair and dark eyes , to blond hair and freckles . It breaks my heart to hear the discussions about race that goes on in front of these innocent children . IN fact , my one great niece has divorced her Latino husband and married a white man and she announced , in front of her children and her sister 's children , that she has the only white child in their entire family . " Finally , " she said , " We have a white baby . " It was awful . Then my sister , the one that works for the school system , couldn 't quit complaining about the small children not being able to understand her when she asks them their name . I say to her , " Would it kill you to learn how a few Laotian and Spanish phrases . " Of course she says , " If they can 't speak English , they don 't need to be here . " I tell you all , my heart breaks every time I am around my family . I can 't believe they all grew up to be such pigs . They use the N bomb like it is nothing . IN fact , they never say African American or black person ; it 's always the N word . They would have followed Hitler , I just know they would have and it breaks my heart . Then , then , they tried to whip me into submission for not going to church . I said , " I look at you guy 's life and see what church has done for you , how it has made you such fine loving people and I am tempting but have to pass . " I , of course , say it sarcastically . Oh me . I am so glad to be home . I am so glad to be away from their haposted by zelda1 | 6 : 55 AM Today is my birthday and it is also laundry day . Mr . Zelda is entertaining the baby , while I am doing clothes . I am also cooking a small pan of black eyed peas and ham , we must keep with the good - luck - for - money tradition . If you are not from the South , the tradition goes like this : if you eat blackeyed peas and ham , you will never be broke . Now , I do it every year , and yet , I am often broke . So , I 'm thinking it is a tradition that really doesn 't work . But , I have some left over ham in the freezer , and a bag of peas , so what the hell . Between doing clothes and cooking the traditional New Year 's day dinner , I can actually read and write . This is really my day , not because it is my birthday , but because it is laundry day and the washer and dryer are downstairs and so is our office and computers and books and other things that are too tempting for the baby . We bring him downstairs often , don 't misunderstand , but when I am doing the laundry , it is best if he is upstairs in his playroom with Granddad . So , while I am working , I am also free to read and write . I have written another chapter to my novel about my grandmother and have actually written another short story about my nephew . It 's funny , when under a time constraint , I can write like a fiend , but if I have all kinds of time , I do nothing . I have also been musing over what it is that I am going to try to commit to this year . I am not going to say things like lose weight or work out , because I know that will be an instant failure . But , I 'm thinking of other things , like recycling . Maybe I 'll start with aluminum and work into glass and paper . I already do my bit by buying used books and I try and freeze in reusable plastic versus those throw away bags . I am also going to cut out all factory raised meats and poultry and fish . Yep , I am only going for range fed . I might even cut face food completely out of my diet . I have been entertaining the thought for a year or two now . I don 't buy leather or fur or any other somethings that are made from anposted by zelda1 | 8 : 58 AM

Name : zelda1 I live in a small town and enjoy writing about the inhabitants . I spend most of my time perusing through used book stores looking for that one great book that I don 't have ; consequently , I have rooms filled with books . I am a book addict . Yesterday morning , Mr . Zelda slipped . He was in the shower and slipped , while he didn 't fall , he did lunge forward and sideways at the same time . I didn 't see this almost fall , but he limped downstairs to relive the incident with not only movement but sound effects . " I went , OHHHHH . " That kind of thing . Anyway , so he goes to school , I go to school and while he told me his knee really hurt , I thought , since he didn 't fall , that it was fine . I left school early to go to my uncle 's funeral , and after the funeral , Mr . Zelda and I meet up . He is limping and can barely get into the car . I take him to a doc in the box place . The doctor , who was maybe five , moved his leg this way and that way and reluctantly x - rayed it . Boy was she and I both surprised when the x - ray revealed a broken leg , and you ask , " How guilty do you feel ? " So , we leave the truck on the campus down the mountain , and I am driving us both up the mountain . He is almost knocked out from good drugs . I pass a big truck and all of a sudden a truck comes up behind me , the driver had his lights on high and was blinking them off and on , and he was honking his horn , and I was going to get over into the other lane , but first I had to clear the other truck . That maniac began going around me before I could get over and had I not moved over , he would have killed us . When he gets around us , something hits our car , and I 'm thinking he threw something out of the truck . I tried to get his tag number and just my luck he pulls over . I go about a mile up the road and pull over too . I call the state police , all I want is the tag number so I can get insurance information . The police tell me to stay put , and if the guy leaves to follow at a safe distance . The police arrive and the guy is dog drunk and they arrest him . Yes , he even tried to get physical with the state police . Can you imagine ? So , the police arrest him and tell me to have my car looked over and if there is damage , to call him and he will make sure the right insurance information is obtained . posted by zelda1 | 5 : 15 AM Okay , I 'm here at school and in the computer lab doing research . On the news the stories about the reporter who was bombed and they give the guys name . I am so sorry for what he is going through but they give his name and the camera man , who I might add was very much injured as he the newsman , well the camera man is just the camera man . No name , no real information . He is a camera man . How sad . There are some things for sure like taxes , social change , and death , but there are other things for sure too , like graduate school egomaniac professors . I had two of those certainties . One hated women , hated minority groups , hated the South , hated the other professors , and more importantly , he hated his students . The first day of class , he informed us that not once in his entire career teaching at our university had he ever read a paper worthy of an A . He also said that he gave A 's out of the kindness of his heart and if you made a B in his class , and he goes on to give us the name of a few of the grad students he had given B 's to , but if you made a B in the class , it was because you were a village idiot . One day he yelled out Pussy Power . Just like that , in class where , on that day , I was the only female . After class , I , and I know I shouldn 't have , but I told him that it was wrong for him to embarrass me like that and how would he feel if he were in a roomful of women and the leader of the women yelled out penis , but using the slang C word , power . Throughout the semester he attacked Native Americans as being sore losers , African Americans as being whiners , and women for being out of their place . I even told him that I was Jewish because of the conversation that he and a fellow student were having about the wandering Jew and how the stereotypes are not without truth . Then when he started about the Native Americans , I told him my husband was Indian . I mean , I wanted him to shut the fuck up about people he had no right putting down . He said he hated fat people because it showed they had a lack of control but found a few fat men funny , and he enjoyed being around them so he could laugh at them . I am fat , and so guess how awful that made me feel . He denied that ever has there been a good female novelists and resents that a few have been canonized . ( He knew that I was a writer because one of his former students told him that I was a good writer , trying to pave the way for me to be on the guys good graces . ) My feposted by zelda1 | 4 : 17 AM Buttons got here yesterday afternoon . It has been over two weeks since I last saw him , I think two weeks . Anyway , my son says Button 's mother , who is my daughter , asked him to watch him all weekend , and as soon as she left , he brought the baby to me . So , since his arrival , I have not let the sweet baby out of my sight . Last night , we made a run to Target 's to get him shoes , yes she has lost yet another pair of shoes , and a couple of new toys , and he needed clothes . ( My son said all the clothes that we have bought him are dirty , piled in the bathroom floor ) . He picked a huge ball and a little musical toy . I tell you , my poor baby never leaves the house except to go to some other house . As soon as we got inside the store , his eyes lit up , and he smiled at all the people and at all the things . He clapped his hands as if it were the first time he had ever been inside a store . I know this is not true , but you can tell it is not something he does a lot . This morning , my son is asleep , Mr . Zelda is at work , and Buttons and I are watching the squirrels and intermittently making music . At this very moment , he is putting fish / cheese crackers inside a plastic container . For the rest of the day , I am happy . Okay , last night , Mr . Zelda and I ordered from the pizza guy . I can 't really eat the pizza because of my stomach , but I did order some very mild wings . While I 'm eating the wings , I feel such guilt , because for every two wings , a chicken is killed . So , I swear the wings off for about the hundredth time in a few days and after watching television , bathing , and reading for a while , I go to bed . I had this nightmare about baby chickens being deep - fried alive in a thick batter and for some reason , the poor things lived and they were trying to hop off of my plate and I was trying to figure out if it was best to go on and kill them and eat them or should I try to apply silvadene cream to their burns . Oh my gods , I was so distressed . So , today , I will never eat another wing , no never . I am finished with the chicken . It 's cold and rainy , my kind of day . I 'm working on my presentation for The Enlightenment class and need to run to the used book store to , well to peruse . I want a good biography on Milton . I know the used book store will have something , but the rain is keeping me in . I just have one more day of antibiotics , and I 'm afraid if I get out , well I will get sick . So , while I 'm enjoying the rain , I feel like a prisoner . I did make some chili and a pan of Mexican cornbread , and a loaf of banana bread . I had three mushy bananas and decided to make use of them . I also had a lot of left over beans and stuff to make the chili . Saturday is usually soup day , but today it 's chili . Anyway , while I was sitting up to study , you know getting the right books , notebooks , pencils , and notepads , I noticed that my work station was a little more cluttered than normal , so I took an inventory . Mr . Zelda 's work table was all cleaned off and neat , so I looked at the added stuff on my desk top and low and behold Mr . Zelda 's things , like last semester 's notebooks , and books , and papers , and folders , and empty medicine bottles , and scrap paper , and unused math stuff , well they were here on my desk . I immediately called him and wanted to know if he put them there for me to toss in the trash or did he think I needed them , or just what were his things doing on my desk . HA ! He goes into this long excuse that he was just cleaning his space and forgot to put his stuff up . I say likely story but nonetheless , the new me , the one who can 't take care of him , well she put his stuff right back on his desk . It 's bad enough that I wash , fold , and put up his underwear , and hang up his shirts and pants , but I have to draw the line somewhere or I cease being a wife and become a secretary / personal assistant / mother to the man who is my equal . No way . Oh , oh , my son just called and I 'm getting the baby for two whole days . Yes , she , my daughter , wants to party and he , my son refused to babysat , so she , my daughter , told him to bring Buttons tposted by zelda1 | 10 : 43 AM I started out with nine graduate hours and three undergraduate hours . I was keeping up , lots of reading , but then , this ulcer thing has come up . There are going to be some test where I will have to be knocked out on valium , oh too bad for me , but I figure on those two days that those two tests are done , I will miss two classes . I had to decide how I can stay on top of classes , missing classes , and still trying to read all those books and prepare for presentations . So , I decided that I would just drop the one class , the medieval history class . I hated doing it , in fact , I cried all day . I loved the class , but I have to make sure that I have excellent grades and nine graduate hours plus the three undergraduate was too much . So today , according to my reading schedule , I have about four hours free . I 'm running over to the library as soon as it opens . That 's what I 'm doing . Here 's the thing . I have an ulcerated stomach and small intestine . Not a lot in the intestine , and they are located close to the pyloric sphincter , which makes it pretty easy to treat , or so the surgeon says . My symptoms were burning before I ate , after I ate , and during eating . So , I go to the doctor . I have always had stomach problems . So , they order tests , and I 'm thinking it 's something little , like a need to change medications . My theory on how my stomach got into such a mess , antibiotics . I have been on them non stop for about two years , the reason for the need for antibiotics , pneumonia . So the doctor , who by the way is the one who removed Mr . Zelda 's appendix a few years back , shows me the x - ray reports , ct scans , and all of that and even draws me a picture . Okay , I 'm getting all of this information . He then says , let 's do a sleep apnea test . I say why , and he says sometimes oxygen deprivation during sleep causes ulcers , I say , I don 't have sleep apnea , he says , let 's see . Then he says he wants to scope me , which I have been scoped and while going down the top isn 't as bad as going up the rear , it 's still not pleasant , other than the valium . His recommendation at this point , or what he feels needs to be done , is make sure there is no cancer , make sure that sleep deprivation isn 't a cause , and to cut the ulcers out . OUCH ! I asked him was there not another way , and he says , not at this point . He says that I 'm oozing a little blood . Okay , last year , about this same time , I was preparing for a total abdominal hysterectomy , and now in this . Okay , I can do this , I know I can , it 's all a matter of planning . If I can get the doctor to wait until spring break , I can go in on a Thursday before spring break , have surgery , get out over the weekend , and spend all of spring break getting back on my feet . Sounds like a plan , but if one of those ulcers should begin to bleed , well then it would require immediate attention and that ruins my plan . My point of this revelation is that for a long time , posted by zelda1 | 4 : 32 AM Okay , I have a lot of blogs that I visit , and I need to put them on the side of my post , but I don 't know how . Once I tried it , but gave up for lack of time . If anyone knows how to do this , will you send me the directions ? I would be forever grateful not to mention how smart it will make me look when new people come to my site . And , it can give others good places to go . Yesterday was bitter sweet . All week , I had been anticipating having both grandsons . My son was going to sneak them up to me . Sneak them to me , isn 't that ridiculous ? Well , at the last minute crazy psycho drug addicted daughter was on to him and refused to let him leave the house with the boys . So , I have made arrangements to see Poseidon through his other grandparents , but Buttons has to come from her end . I did talk to him on the phone , and he said , " Nana , Nana , Granddad , and froggy . " Those are the three things he really loves . I know this because the first thing he does when I see him is run and climb in my lap and hug and kiss me , and then he asks for Granddad , and then finally froggy . I don 't send froggy home with him because she would leave it somewhere . She can 't even keep up with the baby 's shoes . But , but the sweet was my adopted granddaughter came for the afternoon . It was so much fun . We colored , looked for mythological coloring pages , played games , and finally quizzed each other over Mythology , fairy tales , and Princess stories . It was really fun seeing how smart that one is . She actually asked me a question that I didn 't know , well I knew it but it was one of those words that didn 't come out for the longest time and when it did , she had started saying it , so I was counted a big fat X mark . Maybe next weekend will be pretty and all three kids can come up , and we can take a lunch to the park and play on the rock castle . Maybe . My son did say that she is getting really tired of not having me have the baby . Also , the lawyer , especially the prosecuting attorney , is very optimistic that she will be jailed for probation violation . It 's just a matter of time for these things to work is what they say . Hope so , and that sounds awful . I would rather my daughter quit the dope , quit running with losers , and get her life back . That 's what I want more than anything , but while I am waiting for that , I can 't subject my grandsons to her dangerous life . My friends came up , and we went out to eat , and then off to the movies . It was great . I have to tell you , my friends are decades younger than I . So , when we are talking , which is what we did after the movie , came back here and talked , we have much to offer to each other . It is hard for them to believe that when I was a teenager , girls did not wear pants to school , not until I was about to graduate . They were amazed that I saw the technology of panty hose . Yep , panty hoses . I remember my first pair . OH MY GOD , got rid of the garter belt for good . I also remember no microwaves , no computers , no colored televising and much more of the not - around - type of stuff . We also discussed mythology and Biblical myth , which are my favorite subjects . I love to compare the myths of the Bible to the myths of Gilgamesh , Popul Vuh , Egyptian , Greek , and even Roman myths . I adore Norse myths , Native American myth , which , by the way , I grew up with , and all other myths . I hear something that sounds like an archetype or a myth , I search for the truth , or the genesis of it , and usually , I find it . So , it was nice sitting there with my young friends , one of which is a young boy and a history major , a soon - to - graduate young woman , who will apply to graduate school up here , and a cute and charming early twenties girl , who looks like a child and is so smart and cleaver and mature for her age and what she has been through . So , we all get so heated and passionate about what we are talking about that we have to back off and remember that all of us can 't talk at once . It 's awesome . They are all three good kids , and yes they are kids . I see great things for all of them , and hope they stay in school and that they stay focused , and have their PhD 's early and can make a mark on the world that has a long and fruitful stay . Sometimes , it is so cool being me and having the friends and opportunities that I have , and sometimes , I have enough friends to soothe the pain that lies just under the surface . Today , I 'm watching my adopted granddaughter , posted by zelda1 | 6 : 40 AM We did it , we watched Brokeback Mountain . I have to tell you , I was a little afraid that the audience , mostly middle aged and teenagers , would not see the beauty of the story . There were a few times when a person or two would laugh inappropriately , but I think it was nervousness . During the entire movie , people were as breathless and on the edge as was I . When it was over , I expected applause , but most people quietly got up , a few wiping tears , and as a group we mulled toward the exit . By the way , the theater was jammed packed , as we say here in the hills . I recommend for everyone to go see the movie , it 's a powerful movie . Now , to get to see Capote and Pride and Prejudice and I will have the movie list pretty much caught up . I hate it when I can 't breathe as I imagine most people would and do . So , I 'm on an antibiotic and I 'm getting IV antibiotics and I 'm taking steroids . The steroids , wow , do they push me into mania . I don 't sleep , can 't stop thinking , and general everything is amplified . So , I have four more days of steroids , and after that , I can go back to my normal insane self , not the one I have become . The bright side , my cabinets are way organized , and I 'm working on the closets . Every cloud has a silver lining . Right ? The things I like about this semester : I like my classes . I like my professors . So far . I have friends in all of my classes but one , and it looks like my fellow students will be easy to warm up to , they are actually my age . I love what I 'm getting to read . I found out why my belly hurts , and the good news , it 's not cancer . I have such good friends . I think , and I 'm keeping my fingers crossed , but my heavy smoking neighbors are moving . YEAH ! Finally , two more left , yep , two more semesters left . My friend , New - Teacher - Girl , told me about Brokeback Mountain coming to the Hill . So , tonight , a group of us are going , and tomorrow , I am watching my friend 's daughter while they go . Maybe , just maybe , the Hill will allow Capote too . Would that be too much to ask for ? Oh , I think Mr . Zelda is even going too , not that he is opposed to Brokeback Mountain , but he thinks it will be a chick flick type movie . I keep telling him that he needs to broaden his horizons . I have yet to see Pride and Prejudice , but I 'm going . Oh Yeah . Okay , I can 't sleep , so I 'm surfing the net , drinking coffee , and waiting for Mr . Zelda to wake so that I can make him breakfast . I find this story , go to the link below , and it kills me . A man and woman and their four children shot by American troops and the final word of the American military , it was incident report . Four children killed , a woman shot almost dead , her husband almost dead , please go read the story . http : / / www . cnn . com / 2006 / US / 01 / 20 / crowley . btsc / index . html My classes are so cool . I love all my professors , well so far I do . My literary theory guy is a low talker but he stands in front of me and so until I get my hearing aides , I think I can survive . My enlightenment guy , is young and cute and energetic , he reminds me of my favorite English teacher from undergrad . , my Chaucer teacher , and he also reminds me of my African American Teacher , both of which were my favorite teachers . I went up before class and told him that I was very hard of hearing and if he didn 't mind talking loudly or allowing me to look at my friends notes during class , at least until I get my hearing aides . He was so cool about it , and stood near my desk and kept facing me so that I was able to read his lips . It was great . My Latin teacher is the same one from last semester and he talks loud and repeats everything and writes a lot on the board , so keep up with him is no big deal . Plus , I can email him and say , I didn 't catch this or that and he will send me what he said . This semester seems so much more right than last semester . My professors are much more positive and their lectures reflect their desire to teach , plus they ask questions that aren 't meant to trick or embarrass us . I am going to the history class today , a class I will probably drop , but my class mates , those who know this teacher and have taken her says , don 't drop her , she is really cool and while there is a lot of work , she is so easy and helpful . Plus , they say , you learn so much about medieval Rome . Now , that 's what I need , to learn about Rome . I need to learn about the BC stuff . Yep , this semester is going to be my oyster , or so I hope . By the way , my son called me and let me talk to the baby , Buttons jabbered and he also said Nanna , Granddad , and nooooo , and I love you . He , my son , is going to bring both boys up Saturday . He said she , my daughter asked him to watch the boys , which means she is going to get drugs , cook drugs , or just take drugs . IN any event , she will be gone Saturday and Saturday night , so my son andposted by zelda1 | 6 : 47 AM I am so keeping up this semester . Yep , I have already read tomorrow 's assignments ; even though I am not going to be in class ( have two doctor 's appointments ) . I am finished with today 's assignments , and have already begun doing next week 's stuff . No playing around for this old woman . But , my doctor puts me on this antibiotic , I 'm on it at least twice a year , very strong but very effective against hypostatic pneumonia , which is what I have , caused by so many asthma attacks and having the products of the attacks staying in my lungs while I sleep . That causes me to get pneumonia . Anyway , always he says , it 'll give you a bad taste . I say , I know . He says , your food will taste funny . I say , I know . He says , take it with food . I say , I know . Now remember , this doctor is one of the kids that I babysat for , his parents were friends of my older brother , and they had two sons . One night , their mother had a massive heart attack ; the boys were 1 and 2 . So , every summer and holidays , I took care of them while their father worked , ( basically to give the grandparents a break ) and I took care of them when he went places . I also ironed and cleaned their house a few days a week , so I was real close to those boys and remained close to them , even now . I was reluctant when our insurance made me switch to his group of doctors , because , well he is like family , but he is so good , and will see me in the middle of the night , call medicine in for me , and basically is my own private doctor . I still call him Skippy . Yep , right in the office , I say Skippy where 's your coat , where 's your gloves , all of that . He laughs . Anyway , the truth about the strong antibiotic is that it only makes my coffee taste bad . Another truth about the medication and all the other antibiotics that I 've been on , plus the arthritis medications , is that I have developed a series of ulcers - two small ones in my stomach and three in my upper small intestine . After doing the ultrasound , the Ct scan , the UGI , Skippy has decided to send me to a surgeon . Hposted by zelda1 | 5 : 54 AM I am at my lowest point . It started Saturday night . My neighbors on both sides smoke , and Saturday night , both sides decided to entertain and their visitors spent a lot of time on the tiny patios smoking . It was sort of nice out and we had our patio door open , but we were up stairs . I began wheezing and soon following came a huge asthma attack . We realized our apartment was infiltrated with cigarette smoke , so we closed the door and turned on the fan above the stove . Some of our neighbor 's guests were in the parking lot near our front door smoking as well and the smoke continued to invade our space . I was up until five am fighting to breathe . The attacks continued until Monday around noon and finally my breathing seemed to get better . Tuesday morning I was filling with fluids and knew that I had bronchitis or pneumonia , so I went to the doctor . My doctor 's office is in my home town an hour and half away . I thought I would take Buttons some diapers and a few of his clothes that he left . First the doctor , I have pneumonia and had to shots in my rear end and am now on steroids and antibiotics - great for my first day back to school . After the doctor 's visit , I went to my house where my daughter and grandson and my son live . I barely knocked on the door , in case he was napping , and when no one answered , I peeked in the window and saw the baby alone . He was sitting in the floor , no shirt on , not pants on , just a diaper . He wasn 't playing , just sitting with this look . So , I opened the door and a huge smile came over his face and he ran to me and tried to climb up my legs . I picked him up and his diaper weighed more than him . She was a sleep on the sofa under three blankets . She opened her eyes and I said , " Why isn 't the baby dressed ? " She yelled , " Shut the fuck up . " I said , " Get him some clothes and a diaper , and I 'll dress him . " She jumped up and threw a diaper but said he wasn 't cold . I say you are dressed and under three blankets , don 't you think he is cold ? It went from bad to worse with posted by zelda1 | 3 : 17 AM I miss my Buttons . Today I took a nap and slept with his pajamas . I know that is really weird , but the last night he was here when I took them off of him to dress him , I put them in his bed and so today I went over to take his sheets off to be washed and there they were , Sponge Bob pajamas . I called to see how he was doing . My daughter said he was fine and she sounded okay too . My son is there and says everything is okay . So , I was able to sleep a few hours , and I just took his little pajamas to bed with me . He 'll be back Friday night . That 's four days away , I can handle this . I really can . Okay , here 's the thing . My husband is in undergraduate school and is taking many of the classes that I have already taken . I still have all my English books , so when he takes these classes , he uses my books . This morning he announces that he needs my reasoning books . I say they are on the shelf , he says where , I say there , he says I don 't have time for this , I say neither do I . Before he walks out the door , he says just find the books . Now , I found the Chaucer book , which was on the shelf with British Lit . I found the Novel books , which were on the American Lit shelf . See where I 'm going with this ? The books are there , organized , he just refuses to look . He sees me as his personal secretary , his assistant , his laundry woman , his cook , his everything . So today , I refuse to find the book . It 's there , on the shelf with philosophy books . How hard is that ? My grandson is going back to his mom . It 's true she took him Christmas Eve and swore that I wasn 't going to get him again , then she brought him back and he was with me for a few days and then she took him again , and last week , she brought him back . I tried to get him in daycare but without his parent 's consent , they would not take him . I explained that his mother was not in the best of shape , and it 's just a matter of time before I have custody , but they said , " She will have to sign him up . " She , of course , refused to sign him up for daycare , so , he isn 't in daycare , and today , he is going home . That means that in a few days , he will be back and I will not have child care . I wish my daughter would think more clearly and sign custody over to me . It makes sense for a lot of reasons : first if she gets busted , which is sure to happen , Buttons doesn 't have to spend one minute in foster care . Second , in my care , he is safe and would be provided for , cared for , and never neglected . And third , living with her puts him at risk for a lot of things , the primary thing being injury from neglect . The second being social retardation because he gets no stimulation from her . Fortunately , my son is living there now , and he takes care of Buttons , or at least until he has to be at work . Tuesday , I will try again to get her probation officer to do a surprise drug test , so far , all she does is warn my daughter that jail is in her future if she gets one more complaint about her . The probation department , at least in our state , is a joke . They collect the fine money , the court money , and the probation money , yet , they don 't provide any form of follow - up care which would stop the offender from re - offending . So , I 'm back to being in a nice big fat pickle with no where to go except down . I need to go pack Buttons ' clothes . Damn , I wish I could force my daughter into drug rehab . Arkansas has such a drug problem , especially with women , but they have no provisions for rehabilitation . Maybe , I 'll send him his favorite bposted by zelda1 | 6 : 06 AM I miss by huge back yard . I really miss my trees and especially my huge oak tree , but most of all , I miss the birds and squirrels that live in the trees and bushes around my place . So , I started feeding the birds and squirrels . I have yet to buy a real bird feeder or squirrel feeder , so I put a wicker plate filled with dried fruit , nuts , and bread on the top of a stack of milk cartons . At first the birds were shy . They would eat before I opened the curtain that hangs in front of my patio door . Okay , but they were eating . Then I had one squirrel . He monopolized the feeding place until all the nuts were gone , then he wondered away . In the last few days , two more squirrels have been coming around for a little mid morning snack . Okay , I 'm not upset , the more the merrier , so I just put extra food out for the birds . This morning , curtains open , wicker plate empty , I 'm drinking coffee and the squirrel that I named sassy comes right up to the patio window and peeks in , when he sees me , he twitches his tail . So , like a good trained human , I go get nuts and bread , and chopped up carrots and bananas . I 'm such a sucker for a pretty face . Okay , I 'm channel surfing , and I land on GAG , which is a country western station . I land there because I see John Lennon in like a video , and I 'm interested . But , but , it wasn 't him singing , no it was a blond woman with huge breasts and long red nails and big puffy hair . It was Dolly Pardon singing , get this , Imagine . Can you imagine ? I know there are some things better left alone and Imagine was one of those songs that only sounded right being done by the Beatles . While I like Dolly Pardon and realize she has a talent for song writing , she should , never , ever , try to redo a Beatles ' song . So , if you see it , you are not experiencing an acid back flash as I first thought I was doing , you are not in some weird dream , you are not , in fact , in some bizarreo world , and you haven 't entered the twilight zone , nope she did it . Imagine that . It is really very cold today , and there is a rumor we might get snow . I 'm hoping the rumor is fact , and that we get a really good snow and ice storm . I know that 's not what most people wish for , but I like the extreme . IN fact , when I finally get my Master 's and if I decide to go else where for my PhD , I am going to pick a cold and snowy state . I , too , will pick a snowy state to teach . I 'm thinking right on the border , way up north . Now , Mr . Zelda , he likes the tropical climate , and he is trying to convince me to move to the Keys . While I like the Keys , I don 't think I would like living there year in and year out . Nope , that would be too depressing . Imagine no snow . So , right now , I am watching the squirrels , missing my grandson , who my daughter has taken away , and waiting for the snow . Yes , she took him and won 't give him back . I don 't have a legal leg to stand on . I have to just wait until she decides to bring him back , which usually happens in a day or so . My son is there with her in my house , and I know Buttons is safe , but , I was going to slowly get him use to the day care center , and she has messed this all up . My son told me that if she leaves , he will call me and I can come and get the baby . When she leaves , it usually means she is going to get cranked up and when she is cranked up , well , unfortunately her children are the last thing she thinks about . So , I 'm hoping that she will not do drugs , first and foremost , I 'm hoping she becomes what I know she is capable of being , a good mother , but if she doesn 't , I am going back and taking my grandson . Last night , my son said she is clean , that she went to her probation officer , and the probation officer threatened to put her in jail if she heard one more complaint about her from anyone . She also told my daughter that she was having the police watch her . So , maybe this will scare her enough . I can only hope , right . My son is there and will monitor the situation . Oh , that was what he gave me for Christmas , he moved in with my daughter , so he coulposted by zelda1 | 6 : 56 AM Last night , after the writer 's group meeting , I met with my son . We haven 't had a chance to talk , just the two of us , in about a month . We either have my grandsons , which I don 't mind , or my husband , which I don 't mind either , but my son and I have an extra bond that goes beyond mother and son , and I think it is because he was my primary care giver when I was paralyzed . He and I also have suffered through my daughter 's drug addiction , and that , too , made our bond grow stronger . I have to say , my son is perfect in every way . He is kind and considerate and always tries to help people when they are in need . He was only 13 when I was hit by the drunk driver . It was my son who stayed in the hospital with me almost every single night . He told me what my sisters were discussing ; it was he who told me they had mentioned a nursing home placement , and it was because of him that I was able to go home . You see , he , at age 13 , took the responsibility of taking care of me . NO , I mean really taking care of me . We lived next to the school , so the teachers allowed him to come home every hour to turn me , to change me , to get me up and put me down . He rolled my wheel chair into the shower and sprayed with the shower hose and all the while I 'm crying and he is saying , " Mom , I have my eyes closed . " How precious . When he was 15 , he took a part time job at the local grocery store , they loved him , and because he worried about me , he sent his friends to check on me , every hour . If I needed something , they helped . Really , helped me get into and out of bed , if I needed other more intimate care , they went to his job , took his place sacking , and he came home to tend to me . When he was 17 , he bought his first car . His friends and my son never went too far away from my house . If they did , they took me with . Yes , I have been to every single ball game , although I read , they took me to a wrestling match in Little Rock , I sat in the parking lot and read . While they took me to things that interested their young taste , they included me . Iposted by zelda1 | 5 : 11 AM Okay , I have an appointment with the staff of the daycare center where my grandson will be during my school hours . I 'm not nervous , but I am worried . You know , worried that he will be stressed by being left with strangers . I am also worried that he will be traumatized . It was hard , back in the day when I had to leave my children , one of which is his mother , in daycare . I remember dropping my two little angels off , and I cried all the way to work . My thoughts never left the children . I called often and worried constantly . Sometimes , I took off work early just so I could drop in and see what they were doing , and always , they were playing or in art or some kind of structured activity . I was lucky , I had a good day care , but I spent months looking for the perfect one . Now , well it 's the same , I don 't want to leave my grandson , but I have too , I have to finish school , or can I stop long enough for him to get old enough to go to school , or his mother get her life together . NO , I won 't . He will be okay , I know he will . Plus , I am only leaving him half a day . That 's not even four hours . Is that bad ? What if he cries , can I take that ? I am so stressed about all of this . Right now , I am on the verge of tears . I don 't want him staying with strangers . I will spend the first week or two with him , at least I will take him for an entire day of which I will stay from 8 until noon , and then I will go to class . During those mornings , I am hoping it will ease him enough that he realizes he isn 't being abandoned . Maybe I 'm making too much out of this . I don 't know , I just don 't want him to be affected by this separation from first his mother , and then from me . Mr . Zelda says not to worry , that he will check on him too , and on his light days , meaning when he only has classes and no work , he will pick him up early . So , truthfully , he probably won 't even spend 20 hours a week in day care , that 's not much time . Plus on Fridays , I just have one class and it 's an hour class over by 2 : 30 , so he will only be in day posted by zelda1 | 8 : 46 AM So we have friends over , young friend ; friends of mine from undergraduate school . I find out , through the course of the evening , that I am younger than their parents . Yeah ! So what does that mean ? Anyway , we eat chicken wings , bean dip , cheese dip , and lots of chips . Then , I say let 's have wine coolers , an easy drink for me . They say yeah . So Mr . Zelda goes out and finds a store and buys wine coolers . My friends and I , all over 21 , drink wine coolers ; I only drink two and because my normal bedtime is as soon as it gets dark , and I 'm drinking wine coolers , and I 'm old , I began to have a little slurred speech , not much , but a little . Then , I have trouble holding my eyes open , not both just one , one would almost close , then the other , and it was a chore to keep them open , and I 'm thinking it 's because of the sleep and it being after midnight , and so I try and I try to stay awake and not appear intoxicated because I wasn 't and I don 't want the young kids to think I am a light weight drinker . I want to tell them to call my writer 's group and they can vouch that I can drink two wine coolers without passing out , but the damage to reputation is there , I , in their eyes , am a light weight . So , between one and sometime , they leave , I slowly ascend the stairs to my room , and while Mr . Zelda gets the bed ready , I start to throw off clothes , first the top , then the bottoms , then the rest , and I plop onto the bed , don 't have trouble finding that spot in the bed and on the pillow , don 't have my hair put into braids , and within minutes , I am asleep . So , when I get up , I go to the bathroom , look in the mirror , and all my hair is all over the place , I looked like medusa , no really . And I try to wash my face but instead , I drink and drink and drink , from the faucet , city water , not bottled , and from the bathroom , did I tell you that I am a germ phobic ? Yuck . I drag myself down the stairs and find my kitchen filled with left over bottles , dishes , and think , fuck , did I do all of that , and must have , and then I makposted by zelda1 | 7 : 17 AM During the time of the My Lai Massacre , I was 12 or 13 . In case some of you don 't remember or are to young to know , A group of soldiers known as Charlie Company led by Lt . William Callie went into My Lai , a Vietnamese village filled with only old men , women , and children , and they slaughtered 400 of these innocent people . If it had not been for the heroic action of another soldier , who landed his helicopter between the Vietnamese and Charlie Company , there would have been more than 400 dead . IN fact , one man shot himself in the foot so he could be air lifted out and not have to kill the innocent . For more information go here : http : / / www . rotten . com / library / history / war - crimes / my - lai - massacre / and then I think of the words to that song , " War , good god y ' all , what is it good for , absolutely nothing " and then I wish that our soldiers didn 't have to go there and make those choices of going along with the orders or the crowd or what ever and commit these acts against humanity . For a men to kill innocent men , women , and especially children , there has to be a major flaw in their personalities , and unfortunately for us , many of those flawed personalities are in charge of our men and women serving in Iraq . This brings me to what it was I was trying to say . The press coverage of the Mi Lai Massacre has haunted me for decades . I wasn 't there , I didn 't shoot or see anyone get shot , but I did see the trials , read the papers , and learned , over time , the atrocities that were committed . It affected me . If this affects me so , and sometimes I find it hard to cope , how will those soldiers who are there and who witnessing or participating in the killings and torturing fare ? It 's so time for this war to end and for our boys and girls to come home . My seven - year - old grandson says , " Nana , you sure know a lot . " I say , " I 'm old . " Grandson says , " Who taught you to make bread ? " I say , " My mother . " Grandson , " Who taught you to find fossils . " I say , " I research and I learned from my teachers in school . " Grandson , " Who taught you to make fast paper airplanes ? " I say , " My brother . " Finally the questions end , and he goes back to drawing bats in a cave . ( A new fascination , the bats - from vampires to bats , both I like . ) When he finished , he brought it over for me to look at . " Well , " I say , " I guess that is the best cave full of bats that I have ever seen . " Tempted to ask him who taught him , I waited . He , almost as tall as I , crawls onto my lap and does his best attempt to cuddle in my arms , and I try as hard as I can to hold him in spite of his size . He points to his birthmark and says let me see yours . We have the same one , a long brown mark under our right floating rib . I show him the mark and he traces my surgical scar and asks , " Did it hurt ? " " No , " I say , " I was a sleep . " He looks at my hands , my eyes , and tells me he thinks his eyes are turning green , like mine . I look into his dark coffee - colored eyes and tell him that I hope they stay brown , that brown eyes are my favorite . He smiles . Grandson , " I made the cave and bats like the ones you used to draw for me . " I smile but truthfully have forgotten teaching him to draw bats , but must have . He gets back down in the floor and then whispers , " I like it when the baby takes a nap . I get you all to myself . " I smile and whisper back , " Me too , I like watching you draw . " On our way home , we stopped at a restaurant that was a no smoking restaurant . We are spoiled , living here on the Hill . We don 't have to endure the smell of smoke while we eat or shop or any other indoor type of activity . Smoking , in our city , has been banned . But , on our way home from Houston , we stopped at a Family restaurant and on the door was a sign that said , " No Smoking . " Okay , we go in and order our food and some time during the meal , a man lights up a cigarette , right next to our table . I have asthma and began wheezing and my meal is ruined and I do my inhaler and we go to the front of the restaurant and Mr . Zelda says we thought this was a No Smoking establishment , and they say it is and we say but that guy is smoking and she says it 's not Sunday and I say what does that mean and she says we only have no smoking on Sundays I say can we have a table in the non smoking part of the restaurant so we can finish our food without me dying and she says pick any table and I say is that table in the non smoking and she says on Sundays . Geeze are these people from Texas are what ? I guess this trip liberated me . I mean , I know that I have no reason to worry about what they , my family , think of me . I don 't care of they don 't understand why I want to get my PhD . I don 't care of they have a good or bad opinion of me . I guess it was their questions about why I needed so much education just to teach English , or their jealousy , yes , I saw it , or their looks . I know you guys who have sisters know what I mean . They ask a question , and I really don 't want them knowing anything about my life , but I have to answer , and so they have me trapped and I begin showing my passion , I hated it , that part of my life being seen by them , but I tell them a little more than I intended , and I look toward one of the sisters and quickly see her give the other sisters that look , that look I know so well . It was then that I remembered all those years when I was a child and then an adolescent , and I remembered how they did the same thing , and why I was not ever able to discuss what I was learning in school , what I was reading , what I was doing . Why is it that the people who are suppose to provide you with a safe and comfortable place to go are the very ones who set the traps that put the scars on your heart that last a life time ? And the really sad thing , you can 't just tell them to get the fuck away . I am back , back from the worst trip that I have ever taken . My niece was buried yesterday , and while it was a very sad occasion , it doesn 't take away from the fact that all of my siblings are racists ' pigs . I tried to reason with them , tried to enlighten them , but it was to no avail . They are convinced that the border should be closed and no non - white immigrants should ever enter our country again . I became so angry that I spent a lot of time outside . It is really sad . My niece , who died , and her brother both have daughters who are married to Latinos . Their little children range from dark hair and dark eyes , to blond hair and freckles . It breaks my heart to hear the discussions about race that goes on in front of these innocent children . IN fact , my one great niece has divorced her Latino husband and married a white man and she announced , in front of her children and her sister 's children , that she has the only white child in their entire family . " Finally , " she said , " We have a white baby . " It was awful . Then my sister , the one that works for the school system , couldn 't quit complaining about the small children not being able to understand her when she asks them their name . I say to her , " Would it kill you to learn how a few Laotian and Spanish phrases . " Of course she says , " If they can 't speak English , they don 't need to be here . " I tell you all , my heart breaks every time I am around my family . I can 't believe they all grew up to be such pigs . They use the N bomb like it is nothing . IN fact , they never say African American or black person ; it 's always the N word . They would have followed Hitler , I just know they would have and it breaks my heart . Then , then , they tried to whip me into submission for not going to church . I said , " I look at you guy 's life and see what church has done for you , how it has made you such fine loving people and I am tempting but have to pass . " I , of course , say it sarcastically . Oh me . I am so glad to be home . I am so glad to be away from their haposted by zelda1 | 6 : 55 AM Today is my birthday and it is also laundry day . Mr . Zelda is entertaining the baby , while I am doing clothes . I am also cooking a small pan of black eyed peas and ham , we must keep with the good - luck - for - money tradition . If you are not from the South , the tradition goes like this : if you eat blackeyed peas and ham , you will never be broke . Now , I do it every year , and yet , I am often broke . So , I 'm thinking it is a tradition that really doesn 't work . But , I have some left over ham in the freezer , and a bag of peas , so what the hell . Between doing clothes and cooking the traditional New Year 's day dinner , I can actually read and write . This is really my day , not because it is my birthday , but because it is laundry day and the washer and dryer are downstairs and so is our office and computers and books and other things that are too tempting for the baby . We bring him downstairs often , don 't misunderstand , but when I am doing the laundry , it is best if he is upstairs in his playroom with Granddad . So , while I am working , I am also free to read and write . I have written another chapter to my novel about my grandmother and have actually written another short story about my nephew . It 's funny , when under a time constraint , I can write like a fiend , but if I have all kinds of time , I do nothing . I have also been musing over what it is that I am going to try to commit to this year . I am not going to say things like lose weight or work out , because I know that will be an instant failure . But , I 'm thinking of other things , like recycling . Maybe I 'll start with aluminum and work into glass and paper . I already do my bit by buying used books and I try and freeze in reusable plastic versus those throw away bags . I am also going to cut out all factory raised meats and poultry and fish . Yep , I am only going for range fed . I might even cut face food completely out of my diet . I have been entertaining the thought for a year or two now . I don 't buy leather or fur or any other somethings that are made from anposted by zelda1 | 8 : 58 AM

by Andrew JoyceJune 23 , 2017 I had just left an Apache Reservation in Arizona after having spent a night there . I was hitching west and had been picked up by a guy named Jimmy . I never did learn his last name . He was a full - blooded Apache and he invited me to crash on his couch . I didn 't get much sleep because we stayed up most of the night and talked … well … he did most of the talking . He told me of the Denéé - The People - as he referred to the Apache . I learned of their history , their medicine , or religion , as we would call it . I even did some peyote with him and spoke with God . But that 's another story . Today , I want to tell you about Hank . Jimmy was still asleep when I left . I didn 't have it in me to wake him and ask for a ride back to the highway . The sun was just over the horizon , it was still cool out even though it was the desert and it was summertime . I had been brought onto the reservation in the back of a pickup truck and had not followed our progress as we drove the back road onto the reservation ; after all , I was facing backwards , looking at where we 'd been , not where we were going . As I started my walk , I saw the mountain I had been looking at as we drove onto the Apache homeland . It seemed as though it had taken us about half an hour to get from Highway 90 to Jimmy 's house . So , I reckoned that if I just kept the mountain in front of me and walked in a relatively straight line , it would not take me more than a few hours to make my way back to the highway . Boy , was I mistaken . I started my trek across the desert full of vim and vigor . After all , I was nineteen years old ; I was immortal , as are all young people . Of course , I had no water with me ; ha … who needs water ! Well , as it turned out , I needed water , and I needed a lot more than just water . I needed a sense of distance , and maybe even a sense of direction . Allow me to explain . I set out at sunrise , headed towards a particular mountain , and after four hours treading the desert floor , that damn mountain seemed no closer than when I started . I had no watch with me , so I did not know the exact time , but judging by the sun , it must have been mid - morning - about ten o ' clock - when I realized I had made a colossal mistake . When I first set out , I thought the walk to the highway would take two , maybe three hours at the most . But here I was four hours later with not a car - hell , with not even another human being - in sight . I was not even smart enough to follow the winding road we came in on . No , I had to play it cool , thinking I could shave off some time by cutting across the desert and walking in a straight line . Well , once I left the road , I never found it again . I pressed on , keeping the mountain in my sights . Now , I 'll tell you folks something I didn 't know at the time . A mountain is a pretty big item . I was heading south , so I could wander a few miles either east or west and still have the same perspective of my destination , the mountain . And without a compass that is just what I did . I was zig - zagging all over the place , but I thought I was walking in a straight line . By noon , or when the sun was directly overhead , the desert had started to heat up . And so did I . At that point , I would have killed for a glass of cool water . Maybe even with some ice in it . Those were my thoughts as I walked towards that goddamn mountain that kept retreating from me . So as not to bore you all to tears , I will not tell you about that afternoon . Suffice it to say the afternoon consisted of walking and thoughts of water . The sun was on a slow descent to the other side of the world , and I had been walking for about ten hours when I saw it . There up ahead , unless it was a mirage , was a shack . I thanked God I saw it when I did . Complete darkness was less than an hour away , and I might have walked right past it in the night . I was too tired to run , but I did pick up my pace a bit . When I got to within twenty yards of the place I saw my salvation - an old fashioned water pump , long handle and all . I ran right to the pump and without asking anyone 's permission , pumped that handle up and down like there was no tomorrow . And from my point of view , if I didn 't get some water in me , there would be no tomorrow , at least not for me . For all my effort , only a few dust swirls and a few grains of sand emanated from the spout . Then I remembered something , a pump has to be primed , and you need water to prime a pump . It 's kind of like - you need money to make money , and I needed water to get water . A catch - 22 . Now that I was not going to have my fondest wish granted - a few measly drops of water - I turned my attention to the shack . I could tell right away that the place was abandoned ; the fauna , or sagebrush , or whatever the hell grows in a desert , was three feet tall and blocking the door . The shack was about thirty feet wide , and after circumnavigating it , I discerned it was also thirty feet deep . There were no windows , so my ingress would have to be through the door . As the night was fast approaching , I returned from my excursion of circling the shack and proceeded to the door , expecting to do battle with it to affect entry . However , to my everlasting surprise , the door flew open upon my touch . How inviting . With no windows , the only light entering said shack came from behind me and from the spaces between the boards that made up the walls of the shack . They were more like the walls of an old barn ; there was about an eighth of an inch of open space between most of the boards . Some did join together , but they were of the minority . The wood was warped and old . This place has been here for a while . The gloom within the shack made it hard to see what , if anything , was inside . As my eyes adjusted to the low light , I saw a table in the middle of the room . I started for it , and then saw a single chair about five feet to the right . I had not noticed it sooner because it was in the shadows . The only light , as I 've said , came mostly from the door . And that light was only as wide as the door , about three feet . It did not reach the corners or the far side of the room . Upon the back of the chair were draped some clothes . For the time being , the chair and its accouterments held no interest for me . My attention was focused on the table . For upon the table stood a clear bottle about twelve inches high with a candle stuck into its mouth . It looked almost new , only an inch of its ten - inch length had been used . Maybe I would not have to spend the night in darkness after all . I did not ( and still do not ) smoke . But I always carried a book of matches with me . One never knew when one might want to start a small fire and heat up a can of beans or a can of soup to get one through the night . I went right for the candle , pulled out my trusty matches , and lit it . The light it gave off did not reach very far , maybe a couple feet past the table 's edge . By the way , the table was only about four foot square , and there was nothing else on it but the candle in the clear bottle . Once I had a little light , I figured I could relax . I was still dying of thirst , but there was nothing I could do about that . I was thankful that the sun had retreated , giving me a respite from the heat for a few hours . I pulled the chair over to the table and sat down . As I leaned back , I felt something bulky and hard . I stood and removed the clothing , which consisted of a " duster , " and two flannel shirts . You folks know what a duster is , don 't you ? I am sure most of you have seen them in Westerns . But for those who are unfamiliar with the term , I will describe one . They were white , made of cotton , and looked something like a modern - day raincoat , except they were full length , falling to almost the ankle . And as the name implies , they were worn over one 's regular attire to keep the dust from soiling one 's clothes . However , it was not the duster that caught my attention ; it was the old - time six - shooter , lying in its holster , which hung from the back of the chair . Cool . Then I saw what was also hanging on the back of the chair , a canteen . I placed the candle on the table and with fear and trepidation , the fear and trepidation coming from the fact that the bloody thing might be empty , I lifted the strap attached to the canteen . I could tell by the weight that it was full . But even if there was water , chances of it being any good after sitting there in the desert for God knows how long were not good . After returning the duster and shirts to where I had found them , I pulled the chair up to the table , sat down , and turned my attention once again to the canteen . I quickly pulled the cork from the opening and sniffed the contents . It didn 't smell bad , so I dribbled a few drops onto my tongue . It didn 't taste great , but I was thirsty enough to chance being sick , because at that point I was very dehydrated and would die in the desert the next day if I didn 't get some moisture in me . Just as I was tilting my head back and raising the canteen to my mouth , a thought struck me . I did not have to chance anything . I could use half of the canteen 's contents to prime the pump , and if the well was dry , I would still have the other half for tonight and tomorrow . One way or the other , I was going to drink water that night even if it killed me . At least I would not die with my tongue hanging out , swollen from thirst . I grabbed the candle , for it had gotten dark by then , and went out to the pump . I 'm a city boy , there was only one other time I have had the pleasure of meeting a hand pump that pumped water up from a well . On that occasion , the pump needed priming and I watched my associate as he repeatedly primed and pumped , primed and pumped . So I felt pretty confident I wouldn 't screw things up by putting the water in the wrong place , like the spout , which is probably what I would have done if not for my previous experience with a pump . I placed the candle on the ground so I could uncork the canteen ; the candle gave just enough light so I could see what I was doing . With one hand , I poured water into the pump , and with the other , I took hold of the long handle at its end and started to pump . Up and down , faster and faster . The water seemed to be going in at an alarming rate , but I still poured and pumped . I had gone through more than half of that precious liquid and was about to halt my endeavor when the first few drops came out of the spout . And with every downward motion of the handle , more water came pouring out onto the ground until it was a raging torrent … a small raging torrent granted , but I had no complaints . Then I could stand it no longer . I put my head under the spout , face up and mouth open , as I continued to pump . I have never tasted water so sweet in my entire life . And that would include any bottled water you may wish to proffer . After I had drunk my fill , I poured the contents of the canteen onto the ground and pumped a small quantity of water into it . I sloshed it around for a moment and emptied that also onto the ground . Then I filled the canteen , recorked it , and went back into the shack . Now that the water situation was taken care of , I could have gone for a light dinner , but hey … ya cain 't have everything . When I got back into the shack , I closed the door . As I 've said , I 'm a city boy . I didn 't want any desert critters coming in during the night , looking to start up a friendship with Yours Truly . In all likelihood , if any of the denizens of the desert did enter during the night , it would have been for the warmth of my body rather than my friendship . I allude to Crotalus Oreganu , better known as the western rattlesnake . I 've heard that they like to snuggle up with human beings at night for our body heat . So the door would remain closed until morning . I saw nothing in the first three corners . But in the fourth , leaning against the wall , was a shovel and pickaxe , and on the floor lay a saddle and reins . There were no Crotalus Oreganu present , thank God , but there was a presence of another kind . Of course , I am speaking of Hank . A bed stood against the back wall . I had not noticed it earlier because of my preoccupation with the canteen and the darkness of the room vis - à - vis the limited light of the candle . Upon the bed lay Hank . Now Hank wasn 't the most talkative hombre I 've ever had the pleasure to meet . But that might have been because he was dead . Holding the candle over the bed , I saw a human skeleton completely intact , probably because it was a bit mummified . The dry desert air will do that to a corpse . The skin was drawn tight and shrunken . For some reason , the eyeballs were missing . The skull was still attached to the neck . The hair of the cadaver was jet black and full . If the hair had been all that I could see , I 'd have sworn it belonged to a young man who was still among the living . The eye sockets , as I 've said , were empty and dark . The missing eyeballs were a mystery I was in no hurry to solve . Years later when I mentioned it to someone , I was told that insects had probably eaten them . Starting from the top and working down , he had a red bandana tied around his neck , and a faded cotton shirt ( because of the light I could not tell what the original color was ) . He had on a pair of Levi 's , held up - well , not at the moment , but in life - by a belt with a square buckle that looked to be tarnished silver , with the name " Hank " engraved onto it . And on the belt was a knife in a sheath . His feet were covered by beige - colored socks . It seems his boots were off when he died . I don 't know if it 's more advantageous to die with your boots on or off , I 'll leave that up to the individual . I then moved the candle a little lower still , and perceived on the wooden floor , next to the bed , a pair of scuffed boots , black in color , one lying on its side . Oh yeah … I forgot to tell you . Everything - Hank , the table , the floor , the bed … I mean everything - in that shack was covered with a thick layer of dust . I sat at the table , purposely not looking over to where Hank lay in repose . I was staring at the table , the top of it to be precise , when I noticed what looked like a small depression on the edge closest to me . It looked like someone had carved something into the wood . I took a deep breath and blew the dust from that area . It allowed me to read clearly what had been carved . The message was a simple one : " Hank Wiley 1889 . " I reckon ol ' Hank had been hangin ' out here waiting for me , or someone like me , to come along for eighty years . The year was 1969 . However , more surprising than finding Hank , and almost as spiritually uplifting as getting the pump to work , was what I was about to stumble upon next . When I first saw the shack , I was so tired from the day 's march that I envisioned being asleep almost before the sun went down . However , " The best laid plans … " Finding the canteen and then finding Hank kinda got my juices flowing if ya know what I mean . So here I am , sittin ' in a one - room , thirty - by - thirty - foot , broken - down shack in the middle of the Arizona desert with an eighty - year old skeleton and I 'm wide - awake with nothing to do . So , like any good ex - Boy Scout , I went exploring . I took the candle and retraced my steps back to the bed and Hank . I knelt down next to the bed and placed the candle so the bottle that held it rested against Hank 's neck and chin . I first felt the two pockets of his shirt . Nothing . I rummaged in the left front pocket of his jeans , then the right . Nothing . I picked up the candle from its resting place and placed it on the floor . I wanted to check his back pockets . I put a hand on his shoulder and a hand on his hip , and I turned Hank onto his side . It was easy , I could have done it one handed he was so light . I held him in that position while I felt in the Levi 's rear pockets . The left pocket held nothing , but in the right , I felt something that might have been a wallet . I extracted it and lowered Hank back onto the bed . As I did so , his head became detached from the rest of his body and rolled onto its side , facing me . Those empty eye sockets seemed to say , " Why have you defiled me ? " I picked up the candle and returned to the table . It was not a wallet , but a piece of leather cut into a rectangle , about eight inches long and folded in half . Lying between the folds were an envelope , a piece of folded paper , and an old , faded photograph . It showed who I believed to be Hank ( the man had the same thick , black mane ) and a woman with hair as light as Hank 's was dark , standing at the tailgate of a wagon . And on the wagon was a banner of sorts . Because Hank and the woman were standing in front of it , there were only eight letters visible , two to the right of Hank ( " JU " ) and six to the left of the woman ( " ARRIED " ) . The banner obviously read " JUST MARRIED . " I looked at the picture for a long time . I thought of the unnamed woman and wondered whatever had become of her . She was quite pretty , and now as I write these words and I see once again that picture in my mind , I recall they were also very young , although , at the time , that did not enter into my thinking . Being nineteen and believing myself fully grown , I considered anyone else my age to also be an adult . But as I think of that picture today , at the tender age of sixty - seven , I know they were just kids ; they couldn 't have been more than nineteen themselves . I next removed the letter from its envelope . It had a return address of Boston , Massachusetts , and it was addressed to Mr . Henry Wiley c / o Forrester 's Hotel , Tucson , Arizona . Surprisingly , the paper was not brittle ; it was old and brown , but did not fall apart in my hands . The handwriting was feminine and it was addressed to " My dearest husband . " I did not read the letter just then . I put it to one side and opened the piece of folded paper . It also was a letter , but written in a different hand . This handwriting was masculine , and it started with " Dearest Andy . " Before I go on , I would like to digress , or jump ahead , whichever term is proper . All this happened forty - eight years ago , and for forty - eight years I 've held on to those two letters , never knowing the reason why . Through many incarnations - business man , criminal , fugitive , junkie , and now writer - I have kept these letters . While my mother was alive , they were kept safely at her home , and then in a bank safety deposit box . They sit before me as I write these words and I now know the reason I 've kept them all these years . It was so that one day I might share them with you . I will present them in the order they were written . The first one is dated 9 July 1888 , and it is from an Andrea Wiley to her dearest husband Hank Wiley . Without comment , this is the text of the letter . Do you know it has been twenty months since you went away ? I write you every week . Some of my letters are returned with the notation that you are not known at that locale . I pray that this letter gets to you , my love . This November will mark the second year of your absence . I miss you so very much . I am fine . I am making dresses for the ladies of society . My work is very well thought of , and I am kept quite busy . I do miss Kansas , but you were right , it is better that I stay with my mother while you are gone . Mother sends her love . Henry , I know we discussed this before you left , however , can you not come home now ? Yes , our farm in Kansas was doing poorly , and we both worked very hard . But you never heard me complain because I had no complaints . I loved you , and I loved our farm . I know you wanted things better for me . You did not want me to work so hard , you wanted to buy me fancy clothes and nice things . Henry , I never wanted any of that , I only wanted you . And by going away you have taken away the only thing I truly desired . Will you please come home ? There is a reason I ask this of you now . I know how stubborn you can be . Until you find your fortune in gold you will stay away . You will think that you have failed me . Henry , the only time you have failed me is when you went away . I have not wanted you to worry so I have refrained from telling you this before , but Henry , you have a son . He was born eight months after you left . His name is Henry Addison Wiley , Jr . and he looks just like you . His eyes are the same , and so is his smile . However , his hair is fair like mine . He needs a father . All the riches in all the world cannot take your place . Henry , you are not a failure , not with a son like Henry Jr . Please come home . I am starting to drop tears onto the paper and they will make the ink run . So I will close for now . Henry , know that I love you with all my heart and that I need you with me ; you are my treasure , you are my riches . Henry Jr . and I need you , please come home . I have just received your letter . I see by the date that you wrote it seven months ago . I don 't get down here that often , but my friend who works in the hotel kept the letter for me . The reason some of your letters have come back is if the owner of the hotel sees them before my friend , he sends them back . He and I do not get along . So I have a boy ? I cannot wait to see him and you too . I will be coming home shortly . I stumbled upon an abandoned shack and decided to use it as my headquarters . And what do you know , not two miles to the west I found my fortune . It is in a small outcropping of rock . It comes out of the ground and gradually slants upwards to about the height of three feet . The rock is about four feet thick , and right in the middle of it , running the whole length of the outcrop is a vein of pure gold nine inches thick . I shoveled the dirt away from where she comes out of the ground and the vein continues . It could go on for miles . But I have no plans to find out . I too miss you . I broke my pickaxe trying to break the rock away . I came down to Tucson to buy another one and to buy some chisels and a sledgehammer . If I had not found what I was desperately searching for these last two years , I would be leaving for home today . I just need to go back for one or two weeks . I am not greedy . I will only mine as much as I can carry on my horse . With it we can go back to Kansas and buy us a really good farm and hire us some help . You will not have to work so hard . I will mail this when I come back to Tucson so you will know that I am om my way . I want to write more , but will do so at night in the shack . Until then , kiss Henry Jr . for me . Hello , I am back in the shack . I have been here ten days and have all the gold I can carry . Tomorrow I start for Tucson , then for home . I cannot wait to see you and Henry Jr . As you know I am not much of a letter writer , so I 'll save my words until I see you . There was more to Hank 's letter , but it was written in a different hand , a hand that seemed to shake as it wrote . It is hard to read , but after all these years , I know what it says . The script is in one continuous sentence without punctuation . For ease of reading , I have added the correct punctuation and separated the words into sentences and the sentences into paragraphs . Here are the last words of Henry Addison Wiley , Sr . Wouldn 't you know it ? The night before leaving for home and you , I have to go and get myself bit by a rattlesnake . I lanced the punctures and sucked out the venom , but I don 't think it was enough , or I wasn 't fast enough . I am feeling light headed . I was getting packed up so I could get an early start in the morning , and I reached under the bed to pull out the box I keep the gold in , and a rattler bit me . I made short work of him with the shovel . But that doesn 't help me . I was going to transfer the gold from the box to canvas bags for the trip to Tucson . I don 't think I have much time so I better get down to what I want to say . You were right , Andy ; we were rich back in Kansas . I am so sorry I did not know it at the time . I guess staring Death in the face changes a man 's way of looking at things . I know of your love of animals . Before I got too weak I took the saddle and reins off my horse and set her free . You taught me of the dignity of animals . You were my shining light . I must have been crazy to have ever left you , now I will never know my son , and he will never know his father . Tell him of his father 's folly so he will know what is important in this life . Tell him that is something his father learned far too late . I have botched things up good . I write these words in the hope that someday someone will find them and forward them on to you . I want you to know that my last thoughts were of you . In the end , I have failed you … I am so sorry . Not for me , but for leaving you and Henry Jr . to the mercy of this world while I am in another . If possible , I will look after you from my new world as I have never looked after you in this one . All my love … After reading the two letters , I sat in the chair and just watched the candle burn . My thoughts were of Andrea and Hank , of their life on the farm in Kansas . I thought of Hank Jr . and wondered what kind of man he grew up to be . I think … no , I am pretty damn sure that reading those two letters is the reason I have had a life - long aversion to acquiring material wealth . By now it was getting light out , but I kept the candle burning because I wanted to see something . I went over to the bed and knelt down . I used the candle to see if there were any snakes under the bed . When I didn 't see any , I grabbed the box that was under there by one hand and pulled . It did not move . I put the candle down , and using both hands , I dragged the box from under the bed . It was very heavy . When I slid it far enough out so I could see the contents , I lifted the candle and held it over the box . What I saw were two canvas bags lying on top of something . With my right hand , I removed the bags to expose rocks that reflected the light of the candle as a prism would . The light bounced off those rocks and reflected on the wall like one of those disco ball things that hang over dance floors in night clubs . The rocks , of course , were pure gold . I call them rocks because that is what they were . They were not puny , little nuggets of gold ; no , they were substantial rocks of gold . I looked on in amazement for a few minutes before replacing the canvas bags and sliding the box back under the bed . I can see how some can easily come down with gold fever . I must admit , for one half a second , I too had the fever . But the memory of what I had just read was all I needed to cure me . I got up off my knees and walked over to the table . I folded the two letters , putting Andrea 's back in its envelope . I put them both in the back pocket of my jeans . Leaving the piece of leather on the table , I picked up the picture of Hank and Andrea . I walked over and unclasped Hank 's hands , now I had no qualms about touching him . I placed the picture between his hands and laid his hands back on his belly . Then I gently put his head back into the position it was when I found him . I stood over him for a moment or two before saying out loud : " Hank old buddy , if you don 't mind , I 'm goin ' borrow your canteen . I am sorry for disturbing you last night , but you and your lovely wife have been very good company . The rocks that you gave up so much for are where you left them . I have no need for them any more than you have . I know Andrea and your son are with you now , and I am glad for all of you . Thank you for your hospitality , and I 'll be seein ' you someday up yonder . " I left the shack , closing the door behind me . Three hours later , I could hear the highway 's whine . An hour after that , I was standing on the side of US Highway 90 , hitchin ' my way to California . I have stopped writing . It 's been almost two months now . I 've written a paragraph here and there , but that 's all . My new story haunts me in the night . During the day , it calls out to me . It needs me , its creator , to give it birth . But I refuse its entreaties day after day . Why am I not writing ? Is it because I don 't know where next to take the story ? Or is it that I am just too goddamn lazy to go to work ? It 's got to be one or the other - or so I thought . But this morning , I had an epiphany . They have me now . I was stupid enough to get caught after that gas station robbery . What 's the big fucking deal ? We got only forty bucks . The cops came a - shootin ' . My man Daryl took a bullet to the head . Under the law , I was charged with murder in the second degree because someone died in the commission of a felony . How do you like that shit ? The cops didn 't have to shoot . We were not armed … we carried toy guns . Of course , I was convicted . It was an all - white jury . What else can a black man expect in America ? Now I 'm looking at twenty years to life . I sit in my cell and think of my girl . Her skin is chestnut brown in color . It 's the softest thing I 've ever known … next to the love she has given me . Her smile used to send me to heaven . But I can 't see her smile no more . Her name is Gloria . She was my life . Now my life is trying not to get shivved in the food line . She has written me , asking to visit . I will not allow it ! I do not want her to see me in a cage . I wrote her back and told her to forget me . Get herself a man as unlike me as possible . It really don 't matter no more . I will not live my life in a cage . Big Dog runs us blacks in this place . He is big , I 'll give him that . We are in the yard … the whites are on the far side … the spics opposite . And us niggers have the middle ground . I rush at Big Dog looking like I 'm holding a shiv . I 'm not . One of his lieutenants cuts me down before I can get close . by Andrew JoyceJune 1 , 2017 A friend of mine by the name of Deke Solomon asked me to post a story he has written . I don 't know how true it is , but knowing Deke , I reckon there 's a lot of truth in what you are about to read . So here it is . Last spring I went into a farm & home store an ' got me a big ol ' stoneware crock . It was one of about fifty on a display rack . They was all round . They was all sandy brown , an ' they was all replicas of the same original . Each of ' em bore the same trademark : under the glaze in big , blue letters , " Howard Smythe 1839 " lent an air of bogus antiquity to the things . They was all of a size , too . Ever one of ' em looked like it 'd hold about five gallons o ' whatever I wanted to fill it with . On my way to the checkout , my imagination went to work . My mind 's eye saw the crock in my cart fill up with potting soil an ' vermiculite an ' about a gallon o ' sand . It was out on my sunny , south lawn , an ' it looked real prosperous with a six - foot , Brandywine tumater stickin ' straight up out the top of it . In fact , it looked so good sittin ' there that I went back and loaded two more of the things in my cart . Then I went to the checkout an ' from there to my car . When I got home , Landlady watched me unload . Them phony antiques caught her eye just as they 'd caught mine . She asked , " You bought three o ' them things ? " " Well , I guess there 's three of ' em , " I said . " I counted ' em on one hand about a dozen times , an ' ever ' time I count ' em I awlus got two fingers left when I 'm done . Why you wanna know ? " " I need one fer mah bizness ! " she sassed . Then she cleeked one o ' my crocks an ' ran off around the corner of the house . I don 't know where she hid the thing , but I do know I couldn 't find it noplace . So I made use of the two she 'd left me . I set a Brandywine in one of ' em , just like I planned . The second crock hosted one o ' Radiator Charley 's famous Mortgage Lifters . I never have any luck with Radiator Charley , but I keep tryin ' ' cuz Charley 's big , deeply orange tumaters awlus show so pretty when I see ' em at farmers ' markets . They look bold , an ' thick slices taste delicious served on a plate with a mound of large - curd cottage cheese on the side . Top all that with a little salt an ' pepper . . . . Enough o ' that , I guess . The meal was char - broiled chicken ' longside mustard greens wilted with sowbelly an ' scallions an ' a little Creole seasoning . I served it with my own cornbread and my ma 's tater salad . ( I stole the recipe after Ma died a few years ago , an ' I never share it with anybody . ) We had some o ' Landlady 's good deviled eggs , too , an ' they was homemade vanilla ice cream , an ' Landlady built a pineapple upside - down cake that she 'll probly regret for all eternity . She capped her feast when she set my stolen crock on the table , filled it almost level full of iced tea , an ' put a dipper in it so 's her guests could help their selves . Landlady 's guests were the women 's auxiliary from the local chapter of the American Legion . Whoopee ! What a bunch of nasty ol ' hens they are . I listened while the flock sat and ate an ' cackled about everyone in town they didn 't like an ' why they didn 't like ' em . Near as I can figger , not one of ' em likes anybody in town but her own self . They don 't even seem to like each other . Most of the food was left over after the first half - hour . " We got to watch our weight ! " was the unanimous apology . In their favor was the fact that they did gobble the chicken , an ' my tater salad disappeared like magic . ( I never knowed anybody could pass that up . ) So I took the bowl in the house an ' refilled it from a bigger bowl I had stashed in the ' fridge . So I played her game . I had a story handy , an ' I tole it : " Well , you can see that crock was made in 1839 . Who owned it first ? I haven 't a clue . Fam ' ly tradition says my great , great , great , great grampa Elmore acquired it in 1846 - that was the year of Iowa statehood , ya know . Story is that Elmore kep the crock in his bedroom for forty years . Ever mornin ' when he got up an ' ever night afore bed he drained his bladder into that thing . Once a week , then , he took it out in the yard an ' dumped it on the vegitubble garden . " When Elmore died , he s ' posedly left the crock to his oldest son , Allan , who shared it with his wife ' n ' kids . Ever mornin ' an ' ever night , they all stood in line waitin ' to use that crock . Bein 's how they was six of ' em , I s ' pose Allan had to dump it more often than Elmore did . Still an ' all , it did ' em good service an ' they took good care of it . Look it over you 'll notice there ain 't a mark on the thing . " So it stayed in our fam ' ly down through the years . When it finally came to me , I put it in the garden shed an ' kep it there . Now I 'm in a pickle ' cuz I found two replicas of it at the farm & home store a few months ago . Landlady set my two replicas in the shed with the heirloom . They 's all identical an ' I cain 't tell ' em apart . I used two of ' em to set tumaters in . You can see ' em out there on the south lawn . The third one is right here in front of you . You been drinkin ' out of it right along , so I s ' pose I got to tell you I got no idea which crock is which . That one on the table could be Grampa Elmore 's crock , or it could be one o ' them new ones I got at the store . It 's anybody 's guess . " They all turned kind o ' greenish like , an ' thanked me for the meal . Then they made excuses an ' split muy rápido , as the Mexicans say . I got no earthly idea why the preacher 's wife stood up an ' jiggled her fat arse down to the end of the table , where she sat down on a freestandin ' bench . ' Parently , Mrs . Preacher didn 't notice the pineapple upside - down cake that Landlady had put - right - side up - on a sheet pan before she set the sheet pan on the flat top of that bench so 's to make more room on the table . Preacher 's wife stood up a lot quicker than she 'd set down but still , by the time she scraped the pineapple jelly off her two - acre backside , two of her friends - in their rush to leave - crashed their cars together an ' locked bumpers over on the driveway . Then one of ' em , still tryin to get away , gunned her engine an ' ripped the front bumper off the other 's car . Both cars had plenny o ' paint damage by that time . The one lost her bumper grabbed a cell phone an ' called the cops . Many years ago I used to read a motorcycle magazine . The editor awlus maintained that " There is no human situation so mizzerble that it cannot be made worse by the presence of a policeman . " I believed him then , and now I have proof that truer words was never spoke . Four sheriff 's deputies showed up in two cars ' bout fifteen minutes after the woman made that call . The women was still in the driveway . They was yellin ' an ' shriekin ' an ' callin ' names an ' pointin ' fingers at me an ' at each other . One o ' the deputies came over and asked me what was the matter . I didn 't get to answer , though , ' cuz just then he spotted a rusty ol ' pickup , a derelict , parked out back of the house . He noticed in pertic ' lar that it was missin ' a headlight bucket . It was missin ' a lot of other things too , but the headlight seemed like the only thing he was worried about . Next thing , he asked me for my driver 's license . I gave it to him . He went to his car , got on his radio , an ' ran my numbers . When he came back he handcuffed me and said he had to run me in . " No Sir , " I said . " I was drivin ' a Freightliner when I was ticketed in Kansas six years ago for havin ' a headlight out . An ' I did go to court . An ' I did pay a forty - dollar fine . I paid the fine with a U . S . Postal money order , an ' I still got the numbered stub to show if ya wanna see it . Surely you don 't believe a man 'd drive a nice truck like that one to a shit - hole like Kansas ! Do ya ? " You might also notice that there pickup ain 't no Freightliner . It 's a Ford . It 's parked there ' cuz it don 't run no more . It ain 't been plated in seven years an ' it only hangs around here ' cuz the nearest junkyard is thirty miles away . It don 't run so it cain 't drive itseff to the junkyard . I cain 't drive it neither , an ' I don 't wanna pay to have it towed . " Landlady came in to see me this mornin ' . She brought me a big plate - load o ' city - ham sandwiches . Deputies grabbed the sandwiches straight off , said they 'd check ' em for contraband and bring ' em right back . I knew better , but what 's a guy to do ? Landlady told me that the car with no bumper is still blockin ' our driveway . She said she complained to the sheriff about the car before she came in the cell block to see me . She also said ol ' Pineapple Butt is gonna sue us for wreckin ' her ugly gingham dress , which she swears is a Ralph Lauren original . Mrs . Preacher 's threatened lawsuit is the only good news out of the whole thing . I 'll be distappointed if she don 't sue , ' cuz I wanna be at the trial in case the judge orders her to drop her panties an ' hike up her dress so the court can see all the pineapple scars she 's got on her big , fat behind . I 'd gladly spend five years in Kansas if only I could see that happen . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! 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I had just left a marriage that was just not meant to work no matter how good the initial intentions were . Alcohol won out . I had been married for twelve years before I had given up . It was a rough summer for me . I was working two jobs . One full time secretary job by day and at night I ran a food stand in a traveling carnival . I was unfortunate at the time as my then husband was not helping me financially . Yet fortunately I had three grandmothers to help babysit the children that I was now trying to support on my own . It was the first time that I had lived on my own . No parents , no husband . Just me and my two beautiful children . And I was scared as hell . I had to go to a large bank to take out a loan for a deposit and first months rent on a small but very cute apartment on the upper floor of a two story house in Chicago . Besides , between work and my children there was no room and no time . I just wanted to prove that I could take care of these kids on my own . Oh I had plenty of help from the grandparents with food and clothes . I could not have done it without them . They were our angels . And we needed them . Still I needed to know that I could take care of them without a man . My working hours were crazy . I worked from 8 : 00 a . m . until 4 : 00 p . m . as a secretary at a machine tool shop . It payed very well at that time . Today 's minimum wage in 1989 . I had a friend who had bought a food wagon to park at carnivals all summer . You know the kind that sells corn dogs , fries and Fried cheese sticks which were quite new back then . My friend didn 't want to run the food stand herself so she thought that I may be interested in running it with the help of her seventeen year old son as my worker . This sounded perfect for me at the time . I had worked in the food industry for several years and loved the face paced hard work . And on the weekends in the Chicago area , working a carnival was very fast paced and hard ! I would get to the food trailer early on the weekends to open it up and get the grease out and ready for frying . This trailer was the sort where the sides would lift up and lights hung all around the top . Plenty of head clearance for most but apparently not all . My helper was pretty good but he was only 17 . I knew that he would need direction but he handled his end of taking orders and giving change quite well while I cooked and fried the food in the heat of those hot June , July and August Chicago summers ! It was hard work but it helped pay the rent and utilities . On this particularly busy night in August , my helper kept mentioning to me a man that kept complaining about something . We were so busy that I just told him to apologize and thought at the time , that would be enough . Earlier that very day , after I had gotten everything set up and ready for the rush of people that evening , I was leaning on the counter just relaxing . Looking out at the carnival rides thinking how fun it would be to walk around and enjoy myself . But alas , I was here to fry ! It was raining lightly as this man walked by rather quickly , looked up at me and said " You have the most beautiful eyes that I have ever seen . " , and kept right on walking . I remember my mouth hanging open , probably very unattractively as I thought to myself " So do you . " which he never heard of coarse and that was the last that I saw of him . This time . Now back to the complaining man . My helper , I do believe , was starting to feel frightened by this man who I came to find out , kept hitting his head on the hanging lights . We were much too busy at this point in the evening to be messing around with this stupid little problem . All I could remember thinking was why the heck would you keep walking underneath a light that you kept hitting your head on ? But it was obvious that my young helper was getting nervous so I told him that if it happened again to just remain calm and tell him to please come inside the trailer . I figured that I would apologize for the inconvenience of this low hanging bulb and offer him some free fried cheese sticks . We were much too busy at the time to do any repair work ! I was busy hanging over the deep fryer as my young helper ran up to me and said that he had sent the man to the back of the trailer and he would be there any minute . He sounded rather nervous . I was getting rather angry . I was too busy to be dealing with a possible inebriated dim whit ! The next part of my story you may find hard to believe . I STILL to this very day find it difficult to explain . It is in fact , stranger than fiction but is the absolute truth . As I was busy cooking I felt his presence in the doorway just about a foot away from me . The doorway was rather small as was the trailer . I could see out of the corner of my eye that his arms were resting up high , one on either side of the doorway and that 's when I heard the voice . It wasn 't his voice . It wasn 't my helpers voice or any other live voice in the near vicinity . This was a voice in my head . Now I have to say that I have never , ever heard a voice other than my own thoughts , in my head , in my life . Not even to this day over twenty - one years later . Never , ever . Since this had never happened to me before and quite frankly , freaked me out , I listened to it . I turned around about one foot , got up on my toes and kissed him on the lips . Not a peck and not a long lingering kiss but a KISS . A total stranger . People were waiting for their food orders so I went back to my cooking , told the man that I was sorry for his inconvenience and handed him some cheese sticks . On the house of coarse . It was also at this time that I had realized that he was the man that gave me the compliment earlier that day as he was walking by . He really was very cute and tall . But as I stated earlier , I had no intentions of any relationships at this time . He told me his name and I told him mine . He thanked me for the cheese sticks but didn 't look surprised by the kiss . Come to think of it , I didn 't feel surprised by the kiss . He asked me for my phone number and I said no . He gave me his . I kept it . I would be lying if I said that I didn 't find him attractive . But I just didn 't want a relationship , at all . I had two of them waiting for me at home . Not for a couple of weeks . I was so nervous picking up the phone to make that first call . Something else that I had never done before . We talked for three hours , I did most of the talking . We either talked or saw each other everyday since that day twenty - one years ago . Four months after that first kiss we were married . My friends and family kept saying that it was a rebound affair ! Maybe it was but we 're still rebounding ! As for the voice . Like I said , I have never heard it again since that night . I don 't know who it was . I often wondered if it was my deceased father or maybe even God . Somebody was looking out for the both of us . All I know is that sometimes we just never find the answers to things . And sometimes we should just shut up and listen . Any hoo we have been married for twenty - one years . You may congratulate us for that if you like ! But please don 't congratulate me on the smoking thing yet . This is my fifth try in forty years . One of which lasted two years and then I just couldn 't take it anymore and started again . And please , NO health lectures . I am 52 years old and know all the risks . And right now I don 't care ! Sorry folks it 's called withdrawal ! ! ! It may interest you to know that I met my husband on August 29th 1989 and married him on December 29th 1989 . So we knew each other for less than four months before I proposed . He said yes . I promise to tell you the story of how we met very soon . It really was very special . I just need some more time to let my brain adjust . I know that you 'll understand . When we woke up yesterday morning all of the snow and ice had finally melted . This was our chance . Katie might actually be able to do her road test at the DMV and get her drivers license ! The week previous , after her sixteenth birthday , they wouldn 't test her . Even though we had one perfect day where the roads were dry . I was so disappointed for her . Probably more than she was . So when I called them yesterday morning to see if they were doing road tests and they said yes , Katie got ready to go even though she was sick ! I was a nervous wreak . Katie seemed a teeny , tiny bit nervous . She asked if she could do a quick run through of the coarse as they showed her where they would have to drive in drivers ed . Of course I let her do it and then we went on ahead to the DMV , just a few blocks away . We were well prepared with all of the proper paper work and identification . I was shaking , Katie told me that I needed to relax . Who 's the mother here ? We had to sit and wait to what seemed to be an eternity to me , about 10 minutes . Katie told me to calm down . Then a nice young woman called her name as my stomach did a flip flop . Off Katie went to our car as I wished her good luck . I made sure that all of the windows and mirrors were cleaned earlier that morning . The woman did a quick check of the car which I had previously warned Katie about so that she would be ready . Then off they went . It seemed to me that they were gone for an hour but according to my phone , it was only about 15 minutes . I sat by the window when I saw the car pull back into the parking lot . There goes my stomach again . Flip , flop ! As they walked in , Katie came in first and had a horribly serious look on her face . I got out of my seat and approached her . I said " Well ? " then all of a sudden her horribly serious look on her face turned into a smile ! She said " I passed ! " . She has a lot of her dad in her . She was trying to make me think that she failed . She almost had me believing her expression except for the fact that I knew what a good driver she was . We walked over to where she would get her picture taken for her license . She signed her name and went on to get her photo taken . I leaned over the counter and asked the young woman who tested her " HowWell what could I say ? Yes I could have said no but I thought it would be best for both of us to just rip the band - aide off quickly so I said she could go . After all of the motherly warnings and instructions I handed her my keys filled with anxiety ! Katie has driven this route many times and it doesn 't go through town . That is one thing that I told her . I wouldn 't let her drive through town until after the New Year . It 's just too crazy right now with holiday shoppers . I also told her to call me when she got to her friends house . And there she goes , all by herself , down the street . . . . O . K . I will admit that this is where I started to tear up ! She made it home safely and then asked if she and her friend could run up to the local convenience store to get soda 's . Wow , what a day ! No wonder I fell asleep at 8 : 30 last night ! I know for a fact that she will be asking me to drive somewhere again . I wouldn 't be surprised if it 's today . I must remain calm when the begging starts ! And that 's it for me . The last child of mine is driving . No more drivers education lessons for me to give . What a day I had today . A little good . A little sad . Church this morning was a real highlight of the day . The children of our church performed a skit that was just wonderful . They didn 't miss a beat that I noticed anyway ! Our Pastor did a great job with direction , as usual and his wife , well lets just say I didn 't realize that she can act ! She was so shy that she only wanted to do it if she could hide behind the Christmas tree ! And she did . And she did fine , just as the young girl did today . Some of my Santa 's My son called me right before the service started . My Daughter in laws purse was stolen last night while they were out . Money was charged on their card . And mementos gone . Fortunately there are several video 's of the thief 's spending their money . The police have an idea of who the culprits are . I felt horrible for them but haven 't given up hope . All of her identification was taken and has to be replaced . Fortunately they will recover the money that was spent . But my granddaughter Sarahs first notes to her mommy cannot be replaced . Than I had to pick Katie up from her church . While she is a member of our church she has been going to a church that is geared towards youth . I can understand as our church is lacking in teens . The church she attends is mostly filled with children and teens . I hadn 't seen her since yesterday when I dropped her at her friends . When I picked her up today she was feeling miserable . Sore throat , nausea , just lousy . Poor kid . My BIG Santa ! Oh something I forgot to mention . Katie did so good on her grades this semester that she is exempt from semester exams ! The bad news is in order for her to be exempt she must attend school tomorrow . So sick or not she 'll just have to go . But that will be her last day and then her Christmas break starts . I don 't know what I was thinking when I bought that crazy looking one on the right in the back ! It can be filled with lamp oil . It has a wick on top that you can 't see . I am anticipating a call to the doctor tomorrow ! I watched a good movie this evening . " Gran Torino " starring Clint Eastwood . I had seen it when it first came out . I enjoyed it then but did not like the ending . I 've been wanting to see it again ever since . It 's strange but this time I understood the ending better and it stirred my emotions to the point of tears . It is not a movie for the faint of heart . It has lots of violence and cursing . But to me it is Clint Eastwood at his best . It is a story of good verses evil , the strong protecting the weak . I guess you could say that I am a true Clint Eastwood fan . One of my all time favorite movies of his is " Play Misty for Me " . It 's an older movie but another good one . This Santa is one of my favorites . It 's cold out tonight but most of the ice is gone . I was hoping that Katie could try to get her drivers license sometime this week but we 'll just have to wait and see how she feels . I am so hoping that my husband makes it home for Christmas . We are invited to my son 's house for Christmas eve dinner . My daughter in law and her family always do it up right and we have a wonderful time together . It 's just not the same when my husband isn 't with me . And mom won 't be there this year so I do hope and pray that he makes it home safely . I found out today that my older daughter Ginny is going to San Fransisco with her boyfriend ( That sounds strange , he 's in his 30 's ! ) for the holidays . How exciting for her . She 's been there before for work but this will be all play . I hope they have a wonderful , fun time ! I think that 's all of the news for today . Some good some bad . I am looking forward to the celebration of our saviors birth . Because of him I am able to enjoy my family and friends who have given me a full life and heart . I am grateful to have my family and all of you my good friends . I thank the Lord everyday for this precisous life that he has bestowed upon me . Today was wonderful . Nothing strange happened . It 's funny how we complain that we are bored or wish the day would have some extra excitement to it without realizing how extraordinary an ordinary day can be . After my morning coffee I took off for the laundromat . I had washed the laundry the night before so that I could just take off to go dry them . Now while I do miss the convenience of having a working dryer , I have become quite fond of going to the little run down laundromat just a few blocks from my house . There is a big , fancy , modern one across town that I could go to but this little one is so much closer and is actually cheaper . It is relaxing to sit there amidst the hum of the machines . The young woman and her husband that run the place are very sweet and friendly . I met another young woman there today who was very nice and we talked the whole time that I was there . After the laundromat I went home and picked up the girls to take them to Katie 's friends house for the night . We were going to run into Walmart for a couple of little things we needed but when we saw the mile long line of traffic waiting to get to Walmarts parking lot , we decided that I would pick up the items before church in the morning . Believe me , it was not worth trying to get in and out of there . I knew all of that walking would be too much for me today . So we passed the store and headed off to Katie 's friends house . That 's when my phone rang and I got a happy surprise . My friend Jackie from Georgia called ! We chatted all of the way to Natasha 's house where I dropped off the girls and continued to talk on my way to church . I had a bit of work I needed to get done there today . Jackie just brightened my day . Thank you my friend , that was a great gift ! ! I went into church and started to print the bulletins while trying to play " Winter Wonderland " on the piano ! From there I went home , did a few dishes and have been sitting in my chair being lazy all afternoon and evening ! I will walk the dogs soon and then get ready for bed . As you can clearly see , they are having a lazy day too . This is Ruby my pug and Roxy my mutt laying next to me in my chair . You know all through my adult life I have believed that everything happens for a reason . I am comfortable with this belief . I think that God has a plan for us all , from deciding what house to buy to picking out what brand of toothpaste we want to use , I believe that we make these choices and somehow , someway , they affect some part of our life and that in turn affects another . So I wonder what God has had in mind for me lately . I am a bit excited as he has been throwing out the challenges lately . I only hope that I have been making the right choices . Some of my mother 's Christmas Nick Knacks . I will explain . I usually clean house for a family on Thursdays . Most of you know this and if you 've read yesterdays post you will also know that it was a snow ( Ice ) day so the kids were all out of school . I cooked us a small breakfast while Katie showered . At 8 : 00 a . m . we were almost ready to leave . Katie just had to put her shoes on so I grabbed my spare set of car keys . I turned to Kate and said , " I 'm going to go start the car , take my keys ( hanging on the hook ) and lock up . " O . K . " she said . As I walked down the stairs I said to Kate , " Make sure that you lock the top lock . " She replied " O . K . " There are two doors . One at the top of the stairs that can only be locked with a key and the bottom door with a twist lock . When Katie came out to the car I asked her if she wanted to drive over the ice . She said she wasn 't in the mood to drive . Mmm . . . That 's the first time I 've ever heard that ! So off we went over the ice and through the traffic to clean house . I pulled up into the driveway and shut the car off with the spare key . I don 't know why I asked but I did . " Do you have the house keys ? " . " No " , she replied calmly as if I were asking her a stupid question . Than I asked her if she had her keys and she said " NO " ! You guessed it . We were locked out of our house . I had a bit of a meltdown but tried to control my anger , which by the way I did very well . We went inside and I called my son to see if he still had a set of keys to my house . As it turned out they had many unmarked keys and didn 't even know for sure . I didn 't feel that the drive out there and back was worth it only to try many keys that may not even fit . My husband wanted me to kick in the back door . Yea right . Than what ? I 'm stuck with a busted door till he gets home in a week to fix it ? I don 't think so . I had a better idea . As I pulled up the icy driveway I told the girls that we were going to say a prayer . " Please God , let this crazy idea work . Amen ! " You should know yours . Without getting into detail I will tell you that it took me , Katie and Natasha about five minutes or less to get in . No one was hurt , nothing , was broken . My husband told me that he was very proud of me and I told him that I was very grateful to God that my plan worked . I can 't end this post without mentioning the high point of the day . I had dinner planned but was so tired when it came time to cook . I asked the girls if they would mind waiting awhile as I just didn 't have the energy . Katie piped up and said " We 'll cook dinner . " . They made B . B . Q . ribs with sliced fried potatoes and spinach . It all came out perfectly ! I have never taught her to cook this . So I am assuming that at some point in her life she has been paying attention . It just wasn 't this morning ! I 'm back again . For now anyway . So grab yourself a cuppa Joe or a cocktail , depending on what time of day it is when you read this . Don 't worry , I won 't be judgmental . It 's been a rough couple of weeks here in my household , my husbands COPD took a bad turn . He 's getting better now . It was tough though . Katie turned sixteen , we did manage to take her out of town to the big mall to shop with her bestest friend in the world . Despite the fact that my husband had to push me around in a wheelchair for several hours , the girls had a good time and my husband held up through it all . Katie was pretty bummed out on her actual birthday as we had to cancel going out to my son 's house for a little party due to bad weather . My heart ached for her . She still hasn 't been able to get her drivers license as the DMV is not doing road tests due to the ice and snow that we 've had here . Last night was the worse . We had an ice storm . Our little town actually made it on to the local t . v . news , whoo , hoo ! We were just covered in ice this morning . And of coarse my bad tire decided to go almost completely flat again . I 've been putting air in it the last few days but I knew this morning that if I didn 't do something about it today , it would be totally flat by tomorrow . So around 11 : 00 a . m . I spread sand all down my driveway , it 's very long by the way , and off Katie and I went over the ice covered roads to get the tire fixed . I was grateful that the tire store was just a few blocks from the house . As it turned out it wasn 't repairable but fortunately they had a good used one . Thank you God ! And thank you to all of the nice young men that took care of it while oogling my daughter ! I told her to smile at them in hopes of a discount ! But she ignored my silly request . That 's alright though , they were reasonable enough . As you probably already guessed , the schools were closed today . I was glad to have Katie 's company . After we came home she baked chocolate chip cookies . She is such a good baker and cook , I just wished that she 'd do it more often . I didn 't manage to put out all of my Christmas decorations this year . With my husband being home sick it was just too much ! But I did get quite a bit done none the less . I gave up when my knees gave up but it still looks pretty good . This was taken when we finished the tree . Katie made us milk shakes ! Of all the decorations that I have though , this has to be on the top of my list . I always keep it in my kitchen on a shelf next to the sink . It has a little pot that you can put a scented wax tart in . In the oven you can put a tea light candle . It is just one of those simple little things that I just love . I haven 't really been feeling very well so you will forgive me if I am not sounding my usual happy self . I hit sort of a rough spot on the 5th . This will be my first Christmas without mom . But it 's alright . I have a feeling that she 's with me anyway . It 's just a strange feeling , her not being here . That 's all of the news that I 've got for now . Just trying to make it through these past few weeks has been tiring . I promise to do my best to visit all of you and not stay away so long . So as I said in my previous post , I was a bit overwhelmed with all of the Christmas decorations . They are laying all over the dining room table and floor . That 's as far as I got . Just about every weekend my daughter Katie spends Friday night at her friend Natasha 's house then Natasha spends Saturday night here and I take them to church on Sunday morning than Natasha goes home . I decided to wait until Saturday evening and have the girls help me decorate the house and the tree . They both seemed good with this as long as there was homemade hot cocoa and chocolate chip cookies involved . Every year we buy a real tree . My family had always done this for as long as I can remember . When I met my husband , Jake , he had an artificial one . It was very pretty and we used it for several years until one day when we discovered that one of our cats had been chewing it . She almost died from it . Our veterinarian saved her . He suggested that we always buy a real tree as artificial ones can be very dangerous to pets that like to chew ! So we gave the artificial one to our oldest daughter who needed one at the time . I told Katie that we should go purchase one today and put it up so that it had time to settle by the weekend . Off to our favorite tree farm we went . Most years we have done this together it has been frightfully cold . Today however the sun was shining and it was a cool but not too cool 48 degrees . We always have to take into consideration a few things when purchasing our tree . My car for one . It is a station wagon and the back seats fold down but we still have to watch the length of the tree we purchase . Also it has to be of a size that Kate and I can carry ourselves into the house . One of us will hold the tree as straight as we can while the other turns the screws on the tree stand . Oh and I always saw a few inches off of the trunk for better water absorption . For this I always get a scolding from my husband as he says I always use the wrong saw . So I wonder since I am the one that always does this , why doesn 't he purchase We have ten foot ceilings so you can get an idea of how big this baby is ! This past year my son and husband finally cut the old radiators out of the living room . This excited me so much because they ran the length of the windows . I would finally be able to put our tree in the front window ! Wrong . The tree is so big that it completely blocked the two windows ! That 's when Katie thought that it would look good in this corner ! I am a wife , and a mother to three wonderful children . Two of which are grown and one that is still a work in progress . I have also been blessed with two beautiful grandchildren . I don 't consider my life to be extraordinary by some peoples standards but I do feel extraordinarily blessed for the life I have been given . With that said , some of my posts may seem ordinary sometimes but they will be at the very least real life . And for that alone , I am grateful . Well folks it seems like awhile since I 've posted or read other blogs . Although I don 't think it 's been much more than a week . T . . .

I had just left a marriage that was just not meant to work no matter how good the initial intentions were . Alcohol won out . I had been married for twelve years before I had given up . It was a rough summer for me . I was working two jobs . One full time secretary job by day and at night I ran a food stand in a traveling carnival . I was unfortunate at the time as my then husband was not helping me financially . Yet fortunately I had three grandmothers to help babysit the children that I was now trying to support on my own . It was the first time that I had lived on my own . No parents , no husband . Just me and my two beautiful children . And I was scared as hell . I had to go to a large bank to take out a loan for a deposit and first months rent on a small but very cute apartment on the upper floor of a two story house in Chicago . Besides , between work and my children there was no room and no time . I just wanted to prove that I could take care of these kids on my own . Oh I had plenty of help from the grandparents with food and clothes . I could not have done it without them . They were our angels . And we needed them . Still I needed to know that I could take care of them without a man . My working hours were crazy . I worked from 8 : 00 a . m . until 4 : 00 p . m . as a secretary at a machine tool shop . It payed very well at that time . Today 's minimum wage in 1989 . I had a friend who had bought a food wagon to park at carnivals all summer . You know the kind that sells corn dogs , fries and Fried cheese sticks which were quite new back then . My friend didn 't want to run the food stand herself so she thought that I may be interested in running it with the help of her seventeen year old son as my worker . This sounded perfect for me at the time . I had worked in the food industry for several years and loved the face paced hard work . And on the weekends in the Chicago area , working a carnival was very fast paced and hard ! I would get to the food trailer early on the weekends to open it up and get the grease out and ready for frying . This trailer was the sort where the sides would lift up and lights hung all around the top . Plenty of head clearance for most but apparently not all . My helper was pretty good but he was only 17 . I knew that he would need direction but he handled his end of taking orders and giving change quite well while I cooked and fried the food in the heat of those hot June , July and August Chicago summers ! It was hard work but it helped pay the rent and utilities . On this particularly busy night in August , my helper kept mentioning to me a man that kept complaining about something . We were so busy that I just told him to apologize and thought at the time , that would be enough . Earlier that very day , after I had gotten everything set up and ready for the rush of people that evening , I was leaning on the counter just relaxing . Looking out at the carnival rides thinking how fun it would be to walk around and enjoy myself . But alas , I was here to fry ! It was raining lightly as this man walked by rather quickly , looked up at me and said " You have the most beautiful eyes that I have ever seen . " , and kept right on walking . I remember my mouth hanging open , probably very unattractively as I thought to myself " So do you . " which he never heard of coarse and that was the last that I saw of him . This time . Now back to the complaining man . My helper , I do believe , was starting to feel frightened by this man who I came to find out , kept hitting his head on the hanging lights . We were much too busy at this point in the evening to be messing around with this stupid little problem . All I could remember thinking was why the heck would you keep walking underneath a light that you kept hitting your head on ? But it was obvious that my young helper was getting nervous so I told him that if it happened again to just remain calm and tell him to please come inside the trailer . I figured that I would apologize for the inconvenience of this low hanging bulb and offer him some free fried cheese sticks . We were much too busy at the time to do any repair work ! I was busy hanging over the deep fryer as my young helper ran up to me and said that he had sent the man to the back of the trailer and he would be there any minute . He sounded rather nervous . I was getting rather angry . I was too busy to be dealing with a possible inebriated dim whit ! The next part of my story you may find hard to believe . I STILL to this very day find it difficult to explain . It is in fact , stranger than fiction but is the absolute truth . As I was busy cooking I felt his presence in the doorway just about a foot away from me . The doorway was rather small as was the trailer . I could see out of the corner of my eye that his arms were resting up high , one on either side of the doorway and that 's when I heard the voice . It wasn 't his voice . It wasn 't my helpers voice or any other live voice in the near vicinity . This was a voice in my head . Now I have to say that I have never , ever heard a voice other than my own thoughts , in my head , in my life . Not even to this day over twenty - one years later . Never , ever . Since this had never happened to me before and quite frankly , freaked me out , I listened to it . I turned around about one foot , got up on my toes and kissed him on the lips . Not a peck and not a long lingering kiss but a KISS . A total stranger . People were waiting for their food orders so I went back to my cooking , told the man that I was sorry for his inconvenience and handed him some cheese sticks . On the house of coarse . It was also at this time that I had realized that he was the man that gave me the compliment earlier that day as he was walking by . He really was very cute and tall . But as I stated earlier , I had no intentions of any relationships at this time . He told me his name and I told him mine . He thanked me for the cheese sticks but didn 't look surprised by the kiss . Come to think of it , I didn 't feel surprised by the kiss . He asked me for my phone number and I said no . He gave me his . I kept it . I would be lying if I said that I didn 't find him attractive . But I just didn 't want a relationship , at all . I had two of them waiting for me at home . Not for a couple of weeks . I was so nervous picking up the phone to make that first call . Something else that I had never done before . We talked for three hours , I did most of the talking . We either talked or saw each other everyday since that day twenty - one years ago . Four months after that first kiss we were married . My friends and family kept saying that it was a rebound affair ! Maybe it was but we 're still rebounding ! As for the voice . Like I said , I have never heard it again since that night . I don 't know who it was . I often wondered if it was my deceased father or maybe even God . Somebody was looking out for the both of us . All I know is that sometimes we just never find the answers to things . And sometimes we should just shut up and listen . Any hoo we have been married for twenty - one years . You may congratulate us for that if you like ! But please don 't congratulate me on the smoking thing yet . This is my fifth try in forty years . One of which lasted two years and then I just couldn 't take it anymore and started again . And please , NO health lectures . I am 52 years old and know all the risks . And right now I don 't care ! Sorry folks it 's called withdrawal ! ! ! It may interest you to know that I met my husband on August 29th 1989 and married him on December 29th 1989 . So we knew each other for less than four months before I proposed . He said yes . I promise to tell you the story of how we met very soon . It really was very special . I just need some more time to let my brain adjust . I know that you 'll understand . When we woke up yesterday morning all of the snow and ice had finally melted . This was our chance . Katie might actually be able to do her road test at the DMV and get her drivers license ! The week previous , after her sixteenth birthday , they wouldn 't test her . Even though we had one perfect day where the roads were dry . I was so disappointed for her . Probably more than she was . So when I called them yesterday morning to see if they were doing road tests and they said yes , Katie got ready to go even though she was sick ! I was a nervous wreak . Katie seemed a teeny , tiny bit nervous . She asked if she could do a quick run through of the coarse as they showed her where they would have to drive in drivers ed . Of course I let her do it and then we went on ahead to the DMV , just a few blocks away . We were well prepared with all of the proper paper work and identification . I was shaking , Katie told me that I needed to relax . Who 's the mother here ? We had to sit and wait to what seemed to be an eternity to me , about 10 minutes . Katie told me to calm down . Then a nice young woman called her name as my stomach did a flip flop . Off Katie went to our car as I wished her good luck . I made sure that all of the windows and mirrors were cleaned earlier that morning . The woman did a quick check of the car which I had previously warned Katie about so that she would be ready . Then off they went . It seemed to me that they were gone for an hour but according to my phone , it was only about 15 minutes . I sat by the window when I saw the car pull back into the parking lot . There goes my stomach again . Flip , flop ! As they walked in , Katie came in first and had a horribly serious look on her face . I got out of my seat and approached her . I said " Well ? " then all of a sudden her horribly serious look on her face turned into a smile ! She said " I passed ! " . She has a lot of her dad in her . She was trying to make me think that she failed . She almost had me believing her expression except for the fact that I knew what a good driver she was . We walked over to where she would get her picture taken for her license . She signed her name and went on to get her photo taken . I leaned over the counter and asked the young woman who tested her " HowWell what could I say ? Yes I could have said no but I thought it would be best for both of us to just rip the band - aide off quickly so I said she could go . After all of the motherly warnings and instructions I handed her my keys filled with anxiety ! Katie has driven this route many times and it doesn 't go through town . That is one thing that I told her . I wouldn 't let her drive through town until after the New Year . It 's just too crazy right now with holiday shoppers . I also told her to call me when she got to her friends house . And there she goes , all by herself , down the street . . . . O . K . I will admit that this is where I started to tear up ! She made it home safely and then asked if she and her friend could run up to the local convenience store to get soda 's . Wow , what a day ! No wonder I fell asleep at 8 : 30 last night ! I know for a fact that she will be asking me to drive somewhere again . I wouldn 't be surprised if it 's today . I must remain calm when the begging starts ! And that 's it for me . The last child of mine is driving . No more drivers education lessons for me to give . What a day I had today . A little good . A little sad . Church this morning was a real highlight of the day . The children of our church performed a skit that was just wonderful . They didn 't miss a beat that I noticed anyway ! Our Pastor did a great job with direction , as usual and his wife , well lets just say I didn 't realize that she can act ! She was so shy that she only wanted to do it if she could hide behind the Christmas tree ! And she did . And she did fine , just as the young girl did today . Some of my Santa 's My son called me right before the service started . My Daughter in laws purse was stolen last night while they were out . Money was charged on their card . And mementos gone . Fortunately there are several video 's of the thief 's spending their money . The police have an idea of who the culprits are . I felt horrible for them but haven 't given up hope . All of her identification was taken and has to be replaced . Fortunately they will recover the money that was spent . But my granddaughter Sarahs first notes to her mommy cannot be replaced . Than I had to pick Katie up from her church . While she is a member of our church she has been going to a church that is geared towards youth . I can understand as our church is lacking in teens . The church she attends is mostly filled with children and teens . I hadn 't seen her since yesterday when I dropped her at her friends . When I picked her up today she was feeling miserable . Sore throat , nausea , just lousy . Poor kid . My BIG Santa ! Oh something I forgot to mention . Katie did so good on her grades this semester that she is exempt from semester exams ! The bad news is in order for her to be exempt she must attend school tomorrow . So sick or not she 'll just have to go . But that will be her last day and then her Christmas break starts . I don 't know what I was thinking when I bought that crazy looking one on the right in the back ! It can be filled with lamp oil . It has a wick on top that you can 't see . I am anticipating a call to the doctor tomorrow ! I watched a good movie this evening . " Gran Torino " starring Clint Eastwood . I had seen it when it first came out . I enjoyed it then but did not like the ending . I 've been wanting to see it again ever since . It 's strange but this time I understood the ending better and it stirred my emotions to the point of tears . It is not a movie for the faint of heart . It has lots of violence and cursing . But to me it is Clint Eastwood at his best . It is a story of good verses evil , the strong protecting the weak . I guess you could say that I am a true Clint Eastwood fan . One of my all time favorite movies of his is " Play Misty for Me " . It 's an older movie but another good one . This Santa is one of my favorites . It 's cold out tonight but most of the ice is gone . I was hoping that Katie could try to get her drivers license sometime this week but we 'll just have to wait and see how she feels . I am so hoping that my husband makes it home for Christmas . We are invited to my son 's house for Christmas eve dinner . My daughter in law and her family always do it up right and we have a wonderful time together . It 's just not the same when my husband isn 't with me . And mom won 't be there this year so I do hope and pray that he makes it home safely . I found out today that my older daughter Ginny is going to San Fransisco with her boyfriend ( That sounds strange , he 's in his 30 's ! ) for the holidays . How exciting for her . She 's been there before for work but this will be all play . I hope they have a wonderful , fun time ! I think that 's all of the news for today . Some good some bad . I am looking forward to the celebration of our saviors birth . Because of him I am able to enjoy my family and friends who have given me a full life and heart . I am grateful to have my family and all of you my good friends . I thank the Lord everyday for this precisous life that he has bestowed upon me . Today was wonderful . Nothing strange happened . It 's funny how we complain that we are bored or wish the day would have some extra excitement to it without realizing how extraordinary an ordinary day can be . After my morning coffee I took off for the laundromat . I had washed the laundry the night before so that I could just take off to go dry them . Now while I do miss the convenience of having a working dryer , I have become quite fond of going to the little run down laundromat just a few blocks from my house . There is a big , fancy , modern one across town that I could go to but this little one is so much closer and is actually cheaper . It is relaxing to sit there amidst the hum of the machines . The young woman and her husband that run the place are very sweet and friendly . I met another young woman there today who was very nice and we talked the whole time that I was there . After the laundromat I went home and picked up the girls to take them to Katie 's friends house for the night . We were going to run into Walmart for a couple of little things we needed but when we saw the mile long line of traffic waiting to get to Walmarts parking lot , we decided that I would pick up the items before church in the morning . Believe me , it was not worth trying to get in and out of there . I knew all of that walking would be too much for me today . So we passed the store and headed off to Katie 's friends house . That 's when my phone rang and I got a happy surprise . My friend Jackie from Georgia called ! We chatted all of the way to Natasha 's house where I dropped off the girls and continued to talk on my way to church . I had a bit of work I needed to get done there today . Jackie just brightened my day . Thank you my friend , that was a great gift ! ! I went into church and started to print the bulletins while trying to play " Winter Wonderland " on the piano ! From there I went home , did a few dishes and have been sitting in my chair being lazy all afternoon and evening ! I will walk the dogs soon and then get ready for bed . As you can clearly see , they are having a lazy day too . This is Ruby my pug and Roxy my mutt laying next to me in my chair . You know all through my adult life I have believed that everything happens for a reason . I am comfortable with this belief . I think that God has a plan for us all , from deciding what house to buy to picking out what brand of toothpaste we want to use , I believe that we make these choices and somehow , someway , they affect some part of our life and that in turn affects another . So I wonder what God has had in mind for me lately . I am a bit excited as he has been throwing out the challenges lately . I only hope that I have been making the right choices . Some of my mother 's Christmas Nick Knacks . I will explain . I usually clean house for a family on Thursdays . Most of you know this and if you 've read yesterdays post you will also know that it was a snow ( Ice ) day so the kids were all out of school . I cooked us a small breakfast while Katie showered . At 8 : 00 a . m . we were almost ready to leave . Katie just had to put her shoes on so I grabbed my spare set of car keys . I turned to Kate and said , " I 'm going to go start the car , take my keys ( hanging on the hook ) and lock up . " O . K . " she said . As I walked down the stairs I said to Kate , " Make sure that you lock the top lock . " She replied " O . K . " There are two doors . One at the top of the stairs that can only be locked with a key and the bottom door with a twist lock . When Katie came out to the car I asked her if she wanted to drive over the ice . She said she wasn 't in the mood to drive . Mmm . . . That 's the first time I 've ever heard that ! So off we went over the ice and through the traffic to clean house . I pulled up into the driveway and shut the car off with the spare key . I don 't know why I asked but I did . " Do you have the house keys ? " . " No " , she replied calmly as if I were asking her a stupid question . Than I asked her if she had her keys and she said " NO " ! You guessed it . We were locked out of our house . I had a bit of a meltdown but tried to control my anger , which by the way I did very well . We went inside and I called my son to see if he still had a set of keys to my house . As it turned out they had many unmarked keys and didn 't even know for sure . I didn 't feel that the drive out there and back was worth it only to try many keys that may not even fit . My husband wanted me to kick in the back door . Yea right . Than what ? I 'm stuck with a busted door till he gets home in a week to fix it ? I don 't think so . I had a better idea . As I pulled up the icy driveway I told the girls that we were going to say a prayer . " Please God , let this crazy idea work . Amen ! " You should know yours . Without getting into detail I will tell you that it took me , Katie and Natasha about five minutes or less to get in . No one was hurt , nothing , was broken . My husband told me that he was very proud of me and I told him that I was very grateful to God that my plan worked . I can 't end this post without mentioning the high point of the day . I had dinner planned but was so tired when it came time to cook . I asked the girls if they would mind waiting awhile as I just didn 't have the energy . Katie piped up and said " We 'll cook dinner . " . They made B . B . Q . ribs with sliced fried potatoes and spinach . It all came out perfectly ! I have never taught her to cook this . So I am assuming that at some point in her life she has been paying attention . It just wasn 't this morning ! I 'm back again . For now anyway . So grab yourself a cuppa Joe or a cocktail , depending on what time of day it is when you read this . Don 't worry , I won 't be judgmental . It 's been a rough couple of weeks here in my household , my husbands COPD took a bad turn . He 's getting better now . It was tough though . Katie turned sixteen , we did manage to take her out of town to the big mall to shop with her bestest friend in the world . Despite the fact that my husband had to push me around in a wheelchair for several hours , the girls had a good time and my husband held up through it all . Katie was pretty bummed out on her actual birthday as we had to cancel going out to my son 's house for a little party due to bad weather . My heart ached for her . She still hasn 't been able to get her drivers license as the DMV is not doing road tests due to the ice and snow that we 've had here . Last night was the worse . We had an ice storm . Our little town actually made it on to the local t . v . news , whoo , hoo ! We were just covered in ice this morning . And of coarse my bad tire decided to go almost completely flat again . I 've been putting air in it the last few days but I knew this morning that if I didn 't do something about it today , it would be totally flat by tomorrow . So around 11 : 00 a . m . I spread sand all down my driveway , it 's very long by the way , and off Katie and I went over the ice covered roads to get the tire fixed . I was grateful that the tire store was just a few blocks from the house . As it turned out it wasn 't repairable but fortunately they had a good used one . Thank you God ! And thank you to all of the nice young men that took care of it while oogling my daughter ! I told her to smile at them in hopes of a discount ! But she ignored my silly request . That 's alright though , they were reasonable enough . As you probably already guessed , the schools were closed today . I was glad to have Katie 's company . After we came home she baked chocolate chip cookies . She is such a good baker and cook , I just wished that she 'd do it more often . I didn 't manage to put out all of my Christmas decorations this year . With my husband being home sick it was just too much ! But I did get quite a bit done none the less . I gave up when my knees gave up but it still looks pretty good . This was taken when we finished the tree . Katie made us milk shakes ! Of all the decorations that I have though , this has to be on the top of my list . I always keep it in my kitchen on a shelf next to the sink . It has a little pot that you can put a scented wax tart in . In the oven you can put a tea light candle . It is just one of those simple little things that I just love . I haven 't really been feeling very well so you will forgive me if I am not sounding my usual happy self . I hit sort of a rough spot on the 5th . This will be my first Christmas without mom . But it 's alright . I have a feeling that she 's with me anyway . It 's just a strange feeling , her not being here . That 's all of the news that I 've got for now . Just trying to make it through these past few weeks has been tiring . I promise to do my best to visit all of you and not stay away so long . So as I said in my previous post , I was a bit overwhelmed with all of the Christmas decorations . They are laying all over the dining room table and floor . That 's as far as I got . Just about every weekend my daughter Katie spends Friday night at her friend Natasha 's house then Natasha spends Saturday night here and I take them to church on Sunday morning than Natasha goes home . I decided to wait until Saturday evening and have the girls help me decorate the house and the tree . They both seemed good with this as long as there was homemade hot cocoa and chocolate chip cookies involved . Every year we buy a real tree . My family had always done this for as long as I can remember . When I met my husband , Jake , he had an artificial one . It was very pretty and we used it for several years until one day when we discovered that one of our cats had been chewing it . She almost died from it . Our veterinarian saved her . He suggested that we always buy a real tree as artificial ones can be very dangerous to pets that like to chew ! So we gave the artificial one to our oldest daughter who needed one at the time . I told Katie that we should go purchase one today and put it up so that it had time to settle by the weekend . Off to our favorite tree farm we went . Most years we have done this together it has been frightfully cold . Today however the sun was shining and it was a cool but not too cool 48 degrees . We always have to take into consideration a few things when purchasing our tree . My car for one . It is a station wagon and the back seats fold down but we still have to watch the length of the tree we purchase . Also it has to be of a size that Kate and I can carry ourselves into the house . One of us will hold the tree as straight as we can while the other turns the screws on the tree stand . Oh and I always saw a few inches off of the trunk for better water absorption . For this I always get a scolding from my husband as he says I always use the wrong saw . So I wonder since I am the one that always does this , why doesn 't he purchase We have ten foot ceilings so you can get an idea of how big this baby is ! This past year my son and husband finally cut the old radiators out of the living room . This excited me so much because they ran the length of the windows . I would finally be able to put our tree in the front window ! Wrong . The tree is so big that it completely blocked the two windows ! That 's when Katie thought that it would look good in this corner ! I am a wife , and a mother to three wonderful children . Two of which are grown and one that is still a work in progress . I have also been blessed with two beautiful grandchildren . I don 't consider my life to be extraordinary by some peoples standards but I do feel extraordinarily blessed for the life I have been given . With that said , some of my posts may seem ordinary sometimes but they will be at the very least real life . And for that alone , I am grateful . Well folks it seems like awhile since I 've posted or read other blogs . Although I don 't think it 's been much more than a week . T . . .

Caution : This Romantic Sex Story contains strong sexual content , including Ma / Fa , Consensual , Romantic , School , Desc : Romantic Sex Story : Part 1 - Finding the right woman isn 't as easy as he thought . What if you find here and then lose her ? I 'll post part 2 & 3 in the next couple of days . Please look for it . I grew up in a small town about a hundred miles from the big city . I guess I lived a somewhat sheltered life . We weren 't rich but we didn 't go hungry either . My brother , sister and I all went to public school and dad worked at the mill and always made sure there was food on the table and clothes on our back . I did well in school . While the computer age was booming , I jumped in with both feet . I became exceptionally good on programming and computer repair . My instructor told me I should try for a scholarship at a college in Silicon Valley , in California . He told me even though I was great on the computer that the industry was changing daily and if I wanted to stay ahead of the game that I needed to change with it . I took his advice and applied for the scholarship . I got it ! A four year scholarship fully paid for . The catch was I had to work at the university at least twelve hours a week on computer repair for room and board or pay for the room and board out of my pocket . It was a no - brainer . I couldn 't see having my parents foot the bill just so I could have more time to play . My parents were great . They would send me a couple of hundred dollars every month or so when they could spare it . I was doing fine but did get a little homesick . I would put some of the money aside that they sent me so I could fly home every few months to see them . I bought an old clunker of a car to get around in . It needed constant repair but at least I had something to drive . I dated some but usually went to parties . It was a lot less expensive and the girls were plentiful . Someone was throwing a party just about every week . I went at least twice a month . It was nothing to get laid a couple of times at a party . I didn 't drink much . I really wasn 't old enough to drink and didn 't want to take any chances on losing my scholarship over it . After turning twenty - one I might have drunk a beer or two . It was astounding the number of people that were drunk all the time , both men and women . I stayed away from drugs . I saw what it did to people and I wanted no part of it . I should take that back . I did smoke marijuana once in awhile . I never tried anything harder , I swear . I often thought about the double standards when having sex with these women . Here I was having sex with them , plowing away and wondering about some guy marrying them some day . I mean I tried a lot of things while in college . I don 't think I was prejudiced because I screwed any woman willing . I will have to say that I often wondered what some of these women would be telling their future husbands . I know a lot of people are getting used to mixed marriages even though it still bothers me . I guess I wonder more about the life of the offspring than I do the mating couple . I still don 't like the nasty talk that degrades people . " Take my big black cock , " " White trash , " " Black Bastard , " " Get your black ass over here , " " Fucking Whore , Slut , " these types of words bother me . I was taught to treat women with respect . I tried to follow that rule . Someday I really want to find the right woman . It 's just that I don 't think I 'll find her being plowed by another cock . Don 't get me wrong here . A lot of these women are my friends , kind of my buddies . They are only out for a good time , the same as me , and some will fuck at the drop of a hat , if they are in the mood . I just can 't picture myself married to that kind of women . They in turn probably can 't imagine themselves married to me either . I guess we 're just fuck buddies . I suppose it would be best if I didn 't know about my future wife 's past . I would guess that she would have had sexual relationships but I don 't know if I cared to know with whom or how many . Maybe I 'm still not mentally ready to handle knowing my future wife has been with other men . I know that I 'm one of those guys that sleep with a woman and then want to go home afterwards . I 'm just not ready for a commitment . I don 't really want to be like this but that 's the way it is . I was in my senior year and would be graduating . After our last final , there was going to be a stress relief party ; a chance to let it all go . I promised my friends I would be there . They were going all out with entertainment and were even going to give away adult prizes ; mostly toy stuff like vibrators , blow - up dolls and different special gels . They were charging fifty bucks a head to come to this party . For another twenty - five bucks you could get into a special drawing . It was going to be a one night stand with a person from a special escort service . Both men and women could enter and the escort would come to your room . Either male or female the following night . To make it more interesting , it was going to be a blind date . You didn 't get to choose the date . I guess they were already picked out and agreed to our proposal . They had a book full of photographs of some of the escorts . It was to let you know what type of escorts they handled . This was definitely a top of the line escort service . For twenty - five bucks you would get the escort for the night . The motel would be paid for and whatever the two of you did was your own business . Of course the escort knew there would be sex but there would be no forcing . Both you and the escort had to agree on the sexual stipulations . The escort would receive half the money that was taken in after room expenses . The escort was promised a minimum of a thousand dollars . The way people were signing up would give the escort an easy thousand dollars or more . I had to wonder where some of these students got their money . I wasn 't going to sign up . I figured an extra twenty - five bucks was a lot of money and the chances of winning were getting slimmer by the minute . I just didn 't have the extra money to spare seeing I was going home in a couple weeks . My friend Brad and Bill asked me to sign - up but I told them I didn 't care to spend the money on such a slim chance . I would love the chance of winning but just couldn 't see it happening . They laughed and handed me a ticket . Bill spoke , " Jim , we know how strapped you are for money , but for the last four years you have helped us pass our studies . If it wasn 't for you helping us and so many other students we wouldn 't be graduating next week . We know you don 't come from a wealthy family and money is a little tighter for you so we all chipped in to get you a ticket . With all the tickets sold you probably won 't win anyway but it 's the thought that counts . " I thanked my friends for being so thoughtful . I really enjoyed the school and it was guys like these two who made it worth while . I put the ticket in my pocket and enjoyed myself at the party . It was probably the last one I would be attending since finals were over and I would start packing up to go home . We had a few school formalities to go through and graduation . My parents were going to drive out for the graduation and take most of my stuff back in a U - Haul . I would fly home after attending a few of the honorary services . I was graduating with honors and had to finish out a project I had started . Anyway , the party was going full blast . I was having a great time dancing with all the gals . I knew I would miss some of them . Lots of memories after four years . It was time for the drawing , I went to the can , I had to get rid of a few beers . When I came out I ask Bill who won and he told me the person hadn 't come forward yet . There were over three hundred tickets sold which would give the escort three thousands dollars . The committee decided to give the winner an extra five hundred to spend on the date . All remaining money would help defer expenses of this party and be put away for future parties . I was very happy but very embarrassed . I was usually the cool , calm and quiet type . Now everyone and his brother knew I was going out with an escort the next night . Everyone cracked jokes and told me what I should do . They patted my back and the women made weird sounds when I went by . One guy actually offered me a thousand dollars for my ticket . If I wasn 't already getting five hundred , I would have probably considered it . I didn 't get laid at the party . I decided against it because I wanted to be in great form for my date the next evening . I had trouble sleeping that night . I honestly didn 't know what I was doing . I never went out with an escort service person before . I didn 't pick the escort . It was also a blind date . I headed over to the motel an hour before I needed to be there . I brought a suitcase full of clothes since I didn 't have any idea what I needed . I figured I had about a half hour to calm down when there was a knock on the door . I opened it and a nice looking woman dressed in a grey suit was standing there . I figured she was from the motel . She was very stunning and business like . " I 'm sorry , are you Jim Jones ? I 'm early . My name is Marie and I 'm to be your escort for tonight , " she smiled . She caught me totally by surprise . I expected someone who would be dressed like a stripper or hooker to show up . Instead I was looking at a beautiful woman who looked like she just left her office . " No , I 'm sorry ; you just took me by surprise . You 're early and not at all what I expected . Please come in . I 'm sorry . I 'm kind of new at this . You 're the first contest I 've ever won , " I smiled . " Marie , I have to be honest with you . I 've never been with an escort before and don 't have any idea where to begin . I guess you know I won you as a prize . Do you have anything in mind ? " " Jim , it 's a date . I don 't want you all uptight . Pretend we 're old friends and are just going to have a good time for the next twenty - four hours . If it 's my clothes that are bothering you , I can change . I just came right over from the office . I 'll go down and get my suitcase . " " No , that 's not necessary . You look fine . So , if it 's a date , would you like to go out and eat or order in ? They have great room service here and we can watch a movie or something if you like . Instead of a date , can we be more like girlfriend / boyfriend ? It would be a little more intimate that way . I think I 'd feel a bit more comfortable . " I leaned over to give Marie a kiss , and she backed away . " Jim , I don 't usually kiss my dates . It 's too intimate . " " What ? That doesn 't make any sense . You will let me have sex with you but kissing you is too intimate . I have news for you . I have always kissed my girlfriends , " I replied . Marie looked nervous , unsure of what to do . She looked me in the eyes and then put her hands on each side of my face and kissed me . It took me totally by surprise . It wasn 't a peck but a long drawn out kiss . I put my arms around her and pulled her toward me . She put her arms around my neck and continued the kiss . Her lips were so warm and soft . We even touched tongues a little . It was the best kiss I could remember in recent times . " Why don 't we let our hair down a little ? Let 's go in the pool for a while and then the hot tub . We 'll order out or eat out , whichever you prefer . Maybe we will watch some movies and take it from there . How does that sound ? " asked Marie . I was beginning to like her already . She seemed more like the girl next door than a hooker . She went and got her suitcase while I changed into my swimsuit . She came back to the room and went into the bathroom and came out in a green two piece suit that showed one beautiful figure underneath . She laughed and smiled and reached up and gave me a light kiss . I didn 't expect it but it felt nice . We slipped on terry cloth robes and went down to the pool . There were a number of people there but no one as pretty as Marie . We took off our robes and Marie pushed me into the pool . She was standing there laughing . I couldn 't help but laugh with her . I climbed out as she was headed over to a chair . " Oh , no , you don 't . You don 't get off that easy , " I laughed . I dropped her into the water . Everyone around us was laughing . When she stood up I jumped into the water right next to her . I put my arms around her and kissed her once very gently . I then picked her up and , as she sat in my arms , she had her one arm around my neck . I just kind of floated and walked around in the pool with her in my arms . She looked so beautiful , with the nicest smile . After a while we got out and sat in a couple of chairs and talked . I was asking all kinds of questions but getting very few answers . I wanted to know why a woman as beautiful and nice as Maria was an escort . She just hem - hawed around and didn 't really tell me anything . She did say she would talk about it later . She asked me about myself and I thought I 'd tell her a little and maybe she would reciprocate . She was so easy to talk to . I felt like I knew her forever . I asked her if she wanted anything to drink and she said a diet soda would be nice . I headed out to the machines but the pop machine by the pool was out of order so I had to go up to the next floor . I was a few minutes getting back and there was some guy talking to Marie . She hadn 't seen me yet and I heard her tell the guy to leave her alone because she was with her boyfriend . He was sitting in my chair . When Marie saw me , she almost looked relieved . I looked at the guy . I have never been the macho type but I never had to defend my date either . All I knew was this jerk was messing with my date . I knew I had to say something . I just looked at him angrily ; he didn 't say anything else and left the pool area . . . Some of the people who were watching smiled at us . Marie called me her hero as we walked over and got in the hot tub . The crowd eventually was gone and Marie and I were the only two left in the pool / hot tub area . " Not only that . You treated me as a girlfriend . You didn 't try and paw me in front of strangers . I really appreciate that . I don 't like to be degraded and many men think they bought that right , but you treated me different . " Marie smiled and moved over in the hot tub and sat across my lap and put her arm around my shoulder . We kissed gently and I put my hand on her thigh . She felt so soft . I said to her , " If I 'm ever out of line , please stop me . I 'm not here to take advantage of you but to enjoy your company . " " This is what I would do if you were my girlfriend , " I said as I pulled her suit bottom to the side and inserted one of my fingers . She pushed hard against my finger and I looked at her bite her bottom lip . I inserted a second finger as she did a slow pump against my hand . I didn 't know whether she was really getting off or acting . After all she did this somewhat for a living . Maybe she was just doing it for show . God , I wish I knew . After a few minutes the door opened and another family with two kids came into the pool area . I quickly pulled my fingers out of Marie 's pussy and she adjusted her suit . I suggested it was time to go back up to our room to change and go get a bite to eat . We got out of the pool and put on our robes and headed back to our room . She dressed in a cute short set and had her hair in a ponytail . She looked so damn cute . No one would ever take her for a call girl . I felt so at home with her . I asked her where she would like to eat and she told me she would like a pizza . I questioned her about it and she said every weekend she had these six course dinners and just preferred something simple . We headed to a pizza joint and ate pizza and played the jukebox . We took the remaining pizza with us . I told Marie we could eat it later if we got hungry . I took her hand and we walked to the car . We were in my old jalopy . I apologized to Marie . I 'm sure she was used to riding in the finest of cars . I had bought it for six hundred dollars four years ago when I started college . It used about as much oil as it did gas but it got me around . I was selling it to a sophomore next week for two hundred dollars . I 'd use the two hundred to fly home . I didn 't think the car would make it that far . I mentioned it was time to go get a couple of videos to watch . She said , okay but didn 't seem overly happy about it until I pulled up to a family video store . I asked her what she would like to watch and she smiled at me . She told me to surprise her and get whatever I wanted to watch . I got Shrek one and two . It 's about a funny ogre for those who never saw it . Marie was so happy . She told me she loved those movies about the big green guy . It was then I realized that we both were truly acting like a couple that belonged together . She probably had thought I was going to pick out a couple of pornos for the night . I didn 't tell her but I didn 't need a porno to watch to get a hard on . She just did something to me ; I never remember any girl or woman that I had felt this comfortable with and knowing her only a few hours . When we got back to the room we decided to get our night clothes on and we would watch our movies . I just slipped on a pair of shorts over my jockey 's . She went into the bathroom and changed into a set of satin pajama 's . They were a light gray color and the bottoms were shorts . I found out later she didn 't have anything under them . She smiled at me and jumped up on the bed and sat next to me . We had our backs against the headboard . It was so nice watching her laugh and smile . She was like one happy teeny bopper . I leaned over and kissed her and sat back up . She looked up in my eyes and then sat across my lap and put her arms around my neck and kissed me again . I knew this was the start of something good . I put my hand on her thigh and moved it up slowly . She continued kissing me as I slid my hand onto her mound over her satin PJ 's . The feeling was great . I rubbed back and forth and she separated her legs to give my hand more room to rub her . I slid my hand through the leg opening of her shorts and felt a moist pussy . She kissed me very passionately . I had to wonder why since she said she doesn 't usually kiss her so called dates . " Jim , let me remove my bottoms before they get any wetter , " she said almost embarrassingly . When she had them down to her knees I grabbed them and removed them the rest of the way . Without even thinking , I pulled her onto her back and pushed her legs up and buried my face in her pussy . Soft , very moist and pink would be the way to describe it . I was licking and sucking at her soft wet pussy like there was no tomorrow . I couldn 't get enough of her . I was listening to her talk while holding onto my head . " Jim , Jim , you don 't have to do this . Oh , my God , it feels so good . I 'm supposed to be doing you , not you me . Oh , shit , it feels so good . " She was now pumping her pussy to meet the actions of my tongue . I felt her have a light spasm with my face buried into her pussy . She even tasted good . I got up and removed my shorts and briefs . I grabbed a condom and put it on . Getting back on the bed she was spread and waiting for me . She held my cock in her small warm hand and guided it into her now very wet pussy . I was giving her my best when I heard her moan . When I felt her pussy tighten around my cock I let loose with my first climax of the night . I leaned down with my pussy juice covered mouth and kissed her . She didn 't hesitate , opening her mouth and kissing me . I climbed off her and removed the condom and disposed of it . I climbed into the bed with her and we got under the covers . Her back was against my chest and her butt against my semi hard cock . We cuddled and watched the rest of the first movie . I had to wonder if she did this with all her dates . Did she treat them all special like she was treating me ? Was this all an act that she does for her clients ? God , I couldn 't help it . After a few hours I knew I was falling for her . I really didn 't want to ; after all , she was an escort , but I could feel it happening . I got up and got each of us a beverage . I poured them in glasses and added ice . Marie thanked me as we both sat up and drank our soda . I went over and changed the movie putting the second one in . I looked over at Marie and she was smiling . It was then I remembered that I forgot to pay her . She had never asked me for it earlier . I went into my suitcase and took out the large sealed envelope and handed it to her . Rather than looking happy a very sad look came across her face . I would have thought she 'd be elated getting that kind of money . Instead she just said thank you and put it in her suitcase without even counting it . She then headed into the bathroom . When she came out she didn 't seem as happy . She smiled but it wasn 't real . I could feel sadness behind it . . . " Talk to me , Marie . I feel a sudden change in you . Did I do something to make you angry ? " " God , no " replied Marie . You 're the best date I 've ever had . I forgot all about it being business till you gave me the envelope . Then I guess reality set in . You 're a client , not my boyfriend . " " Whoa , girl ! I meant everything I 've said to you . Tonight you are my girlfriend . The money has nothing to do with it . If I thought it would make you feel bad , I 'd never have given it to you . " I 'd hoped that it would make her feel better . " If I had my way , I 'd spend the whole weekend with you . Not just tonight . " " Really ? You would spend the weekend with me . Prove it ! Call the desk and reserve this room for another night . We 'll spend the night and all day tomorrow together and we 'll spend tomorrow night together , " replied Marie . I walked over to the telephone and called the front desk . I asked how much the room for an extra night was . It was a hundred and forty dollars . Thank God I received the extra five hundred dollars . I reserved the room for an extra night . I turned around and Marie jumped off the bed and into my arms . She put her arms around my neck and kissed me . We went and took a shower together . God , I loved washing her back but had more fun washing her front . We went back to bed and continued where we had left off . We had sex three times that evening and I couldn 't believe we cuddled afterward each time . I just wanted to hold her in my arms . I couldn 't believe I felt this way . I never cared about hanging around after sex , but with Marie , it was different . We got up late on Sunday . She took a shower in the morning and dressed in jeans and a blouse . To me she looked great in anything or nothing . " Are you still my boyfriend today ? " she asked . I don 't know what got into me but I wanted to be her boyfriend for ever . " Yes , Dear , " I answered . " What would you like to do today ? " I couldn 't refuse her . I just wanted to be with her . I knew we would be back that night to make love . My God , I said make love instead of have sex . I knew she had gotten to me We had a great time at the zoo . We really did act as a fun couple . We fed the animals and ate junk food . There was even a train and boat ride around the zoo . We took them both . I had to keep asking myself , " How could a woman seem so special and be an escort . " I knew she was a hooker but I hated using that word . I was kind of flexing my shoulder muscles and she asked me if my muscles were tight . She had me lie down on the bed and started massaging my shoulders . Her hands were soft but she knew what she was doing . " I go to the university as you know . I graduate next Saturday . I 'm from the mid - west and have a job in computer technology waiting for me when I get back home , " I started the conversation . " Any girlfriends or special relationships ? " asked Marie as she was now giving me a back massage . Damn , it felt so good . What couldn 't this girl do ? I continued , " No girlfriends except you . You 're my girlfriend till at least tomorrow morning . I dated in high school and college but never found the right woman . I guess knowing my dates have also been having sex with my buddies put a damper on any real relationships . " I knew it was a mistake the minute it came out of my mouth . I felt her hesitate during the massage . No use apologizing , I had already said it . Besides it was the truth . I tried to change the subject . " Boy , you give a great massage . The man who marries you will be one lucky fellow . " God , how stupid I was . I wish I could take it back but she would remember what I had said . " So , tell me a little about yourself , " I said . " Where are you from ? " I 've never lived in Ohio . I 've lived in Illinois and in Indiana . As far as boyfriends go , I had one in high school . I thought we 'd be together but I found out he was screwing my best friend two months after I came out here to go to school . It ended our relationship . I saw him a couple of times when I went home to see mom but I didn 't want anything to do with him , the cheating bastard . " Now there was an odd statement . He cheated and she 's an escort . My guess is he cheated before she became an escort but I wasn 't going to go there . Our evening after getting back to the room was sex and more sex . I couldn 't get enough of her . Either she was enjoying it as much as me or was one great actress . We were lying on the bed and she had her back to me . We had dozed off and were just waking up . My dick was hard and I pushed it against her butt . She laughed and told me I wasn 't going there but she would gladly let me move an inch forward . It was then I realized I didn 't have any more condoms . I told Marie and she was quiet for a few seconds . " Jim , I 'm on the pill . I make customers use condoms because of disease . I 'm disease free , I get checked every week . I 'm going to leave it up to you . " I lined up my cock and pushed it into her . The feeling was so much better . I felt her juices coating my cock as I pushed in and out of her from behind . She was pushing her ass back and forth with the same rhythm I was using . I felt my climax coming and pushed in hard . She pushed her ass back hard and held it there while I unloaded in her . " Jim , it feels so good . It 's been years since I felt this good . " I knew what she was saying . Her clients always used condoms but she felt my cum spraying her inside walls . We didn 't use condoms any more that night . Morning came too soon for me . I asked Marie if I could see her again before I went home . She told me she would see what she could do . I hoped she understood I didn 't have the money to pay her . " Jim , I 'm not going to be escorting any more . You were my last customer . I do go to college and will be graduating the week after you . I want to see you again because I really like you . If you 're thinking about money , please don 't . I just want to be with you . I had more fun this weekend than I have in a long time . " It almost made me wonder if she could read minds too . I went and took a shower . I had to go to school the next few days . My parents would be here Friday and Saturday for my graduation from college . They were driving out and taking whatever belongings I had back home with them . I 'd be flying back the following Wednesday after a couple of award banquets . Marie wrote an address on a piece of paper . She handed it to me and told me to be there any time after five on Tuesday . " I really do like you , Jim . Right now I have to take a shower and get to school myself . I 'll see you tomorrow , " she said as she went into the bathroom . I didn 't know what to think as I left the motel . I really cared for her but she was an escort . Was she really quitting ? What made her do it in the first place ? Why was I beating myself like this ? Here was a beautiful woman who was as nice as could be and I constantly questioning myself about her . Why couldn 't I just enjoy the time with her . When I got to school I had to take a lot of ribbing . Everyone wanted to know if I had a good time and all about Marie . I told them everything I thought they would want to hear . Truth be known , a lot of it was true . She was a hell of a great sex partner . I just couldn 't tell them that I fell for her . I wouldn 't know how to explain it . On Tuesday I went to the address she had given me . It was a high class hotel . I pulled in the parking garage and went to the elevators . A man was standing there and asked me what room I was going to . I looked at the piece of paper that Marie gave me and told him " Room 607 , please . " Marie opened the door and put her arms around my neck and kissed me . " I was hoping you would come . I was afraid you might not show , " she said . " I missed you the moment I left the motel yesterday . I took a lot of ribbing about my date . . . you know , winning a date with you . I could take all the ribbing in the world to be with you . " " Did you know how much money I received for our date ? It was three thousand dollars . I offered to take the date for a thousand . I was promised that for one night with the winner . I 'm so glad it was you , " said Marie . " You got half of the ticket sales , minus expenses . I 'm glad you did so good . You deserved all of it and more in my book , " I smiled . " It belongs to the escort service I work at . I asked to rent it for a couple of days . I never told you but I live outside the city with my aunt while going to school . We have to be out of this room by midnight each night . We made good use of the room making love and watching movies . She told me she had rented it for three days , or at least we had use of it through Thursday . Each evening was like a dream come true . The doorman let me in and Marie greeted me with open arms . She explained how and why she became an escort . She was such a sweet person . I knew I had fallen in love with her , yet in such a short time . It was Thursday and almost midnight . Our time being together was coming to an end . We had made love three times that night . No condoms were used . I asked her to come to my graduation and meet my parents . I was hoping just maybe things could work out between us . First , she told me that she couldn 't meet my parents . " What am I going to say ? ' Hi , Mr . and Mrs . Jones , your son won me in a contest and I fucked him for three thousand dollars . Now I fell in love with him and he wants me to meet you . ' " What ? You told me you were done being a hooker . You said I was the last one . Now all of a sudden you have more appointments . What do you take me for ? " " Jim , you don 't understand . I have to escort an elderly gentleman for two days . There won 't be any sex . I had to do it for them to get this room to be with you . " " Sure , Right , and the Pope isn 't Catholic . You did it all for me . I really cared for you , Marie . I was hoping that you didn 't need this life and maybe , just maybe we had a chance . I should have known better . I guess a zebra can 't change its stripes after all . I 'll see you around . " I went back to the dorm and didn 't talk to anyone . I felt really deceived . I should have known better . If she was that good an actress she should move to Hollywood . She was in the wrong business . She sure had me fooled . I know I was making excuses for myself . I was blaming her for being honest . I felt so sad after leaving . Why didn 't I stay and listen to what she had to say ? Why did I call her a hooker ? God , I wish I could take it all back but my jealous nature prevailed . Why did I always jump to judgement ? Truth be known , I didn 't deserve her . My parents came on Friday . I was surprised to see my sister , Sue , and my brother , Larry , came with them . They told me they wouldn 't miss my graduation for anything . I had to put Marie out of my mind , at least while my family was here . We rented a suite at a nice motel and we all stayed in it . We rented a U - Haul and started moving what little furnishings I had into it . It was being with my family that helped me keep my mind off Marie . My brother asked me if I had a girlfriend and I wasn 't quite sure how to reply . " I pretty much date them all . I had one favorite one but we 're on the outs right now . I don 't think you 'll be meeting her . " I showed my family around the campus and the city . I just wish it would have turned out better with Marie . I remember her telling me that she wasn 't the kind of woman I 'd want to take home to meet my family . What was funny was she is exactly the kind of woman I would have wanted to take home to meet my parents if she wasn 't a damn hooker . After the graduation on Sunday my parents kissed me good bye and I told them I would be flying back Wednesday . I said goodbye to my sister and brother also . It 's great to have a family that is there for you . On Monday , I didn 't have much to do . All my personal stuff was gone and all I had was a couple of suitcases . I started thinking of Marie and I drove back over to the hotel we met at . The doorman said she didn 't live there and didn 't work for the escort service anymore . I asked him where I could find her and he said he didn 't have any idea . The women came and went daily , he told me . On Tuesday I went to an awards banquet and we received our yearbooks . I took my car over and sold it to Matt , a sophomore for the two hundred bucks we agreed on . I went to the corner bar and sat there and drank with a lot of my friends . I 'd be heading home in the morning and it would be probably be the last time I saw some of them . One of the women asked me up to her room . I was pretty drunk and went with her . We had sex but it was nothing like being with Marie . Later I went back to my dorm room and one of my buddies said I got a call from a girl named Marie . I didn 't know what to think . I couldn 't sleep . I got up early and packed my bags and had to call a cab to get to the airport . I checked in and went to the nearest coffee shop near my gate and waited for Marie . Time went by and there was no Marie . I kept pacing back and forth . I wanted to see her one more time . The flight attendant said it was last call . I looked back one last time and boarded the plane . As the plane was taxing and getting ready for takeoff I saw a woman at our gate window . She had her hand on the window as if to say goodbye . I was almost sure it was Marie . My heart sank and my eyes teared up . After arriving home things got really busy . I started my new job and was doing really good at it . I often thought of Marie and how it might have been . I buried myself in my work . I didn 't date . I just wasn 't ready anymore . At times I would go around different web sites and see if I could locate Marie . Why , I couldn 't really say . I knew I missed her but I guess it was just part of life . My problem was I wasn 't sure of her name . Was Marie her name or an alias ? I remember seeing the word Timmons . Was that her last name or an alias also ? Did she really attend a nursing school ? Lots and lots of questions , but no answers . The months passed and I couldn 't get her out of my mind . I looked up the schools near where I went . Being good on the computer I figured I could use the process of elimination . If what she told me was true and she went into nursing I should be able to narrow down the graduates . If she really was graduating . There was no Marie Timmons at any of the universities near where I went . There were just too many if 's . Almost six months had past and I wasn 't any closer to finding her than when I left . I actually prayed for guidance and help . My sister knew something was wrong . I knew I had to get it off my chest and I trusted Sue more than anyone . She was my older sister by four years . I decided to tell her some of my story . " I met a woman about a week before graduation . We dated and I fell for her lock , stock , and barrel . We made love a number of times . We kept parts of our personal life from each other . We got in an argument which I don 't want to talk about . She called me at the dorm but I wasn 't there . She said she was going to meet me at the airport but I didn 't see her . I 've looked everywhere I can think of but can 't locate her . I guess I 'm depressed over it . " " It 's been almost six months . Either she can 't find me or she doesn 't care to . I guess I 'll just have to get over her . I really believed she was that special one . " My company wanted me to fly to Chicago , Illinois and take care of a company there . They said I should be there about four days . I could rent a car and when I was done , I could just drive it back here since I already would have it leased out for the week . It was one of the nice perks of my job . I could do almost eighty percent of my work from home except when I had to travel . They paid me nicely as well as all the perks and benefits . The next day I flew to Chicago and rented an economy car . I helped update a complete computer network for this company . It took me three days . My evenings were spent looking around the city . I often thought about how nice it would have been if I had Marie on my arm . I started my drive back . I decided to go south through Indiana and cut over and enter Ohio . I was driving along through Indiana and it was just starting to get dark . I picked a two lane highway since it looked like I could save time . I glanced down at my map and when I looked up a big deer jumped in front of my car . I woke up and everything was somewhat blurry . I felt so tired . I glanced over and saw my mom sitting there . There was a doctor over me . " Well , son , " said the doctor . " You 're right . You hit a deer about two weeks ago . We put you in an induced coma so your insides could heal . You have a badly broken leg that 's going to take awhile to heal . You 're a very lucky man . Your windshield shattered into your chest and the glass missed your heart by less than an inch . I know you just woke up but what you 're going to need more than anything is rest . " My mom held my hand . She said I was still in Indiana when the accident occurred . I was about three hours from our home in Ohio . She told me to get some rest and she would be back to see me tomorrow . The next day I was feeling better and a little more alert . Mom told me the car insurance covered the rental car . She contacted my employer and they said I could work out of the house after I was able to leave the hospital . They congratulated me on a job well done on my last assignment . Right now they told me to take care of myself and get well . My sister and brother both came to see me as well as my dad . He would just sit there . He never talked much . Just knowing he was there made me feel good . " Jim , I thought I should let you know that you kept talking about a Marie in your sleep . You would say , ' Marie , where are you ? ' or ' Marie , please talk to me , I 'm so sorry . ' I didn 't know if you were aware of it so I thought I 'd mention it to you . " I thought of what to say . " She was an old friend ; I miss her so much . I guess I was dreaming about her . We lost touch about six months ago . " " We have a nurse on our night shift named Marie . She talked to you a lot while you were in your coma . We 're told it helps a lot to talk to people when they are under like that . I 'll mention it to her that you called out her name . She probably doesn 't know you are out of your coma since she was off yesterday . I 'm glad you 're doing better . I guess the doctor told you that you tore up your left leg pretty bad and will take a lot of physical therapy to getting you walking correctly . " All I could remember her saying was that Marie worked the night shift . Could it be true ? Could it be that this accident brought us back together ? I couldn 't wait for Marie 's shift to start . I know it almost sounds like a miracle but I 've read story after story about two people finding each other again . Could it happen to me ? Did I find my Marie after six months of looking ? I was still pretty heavily medicated and slept most of the time . I was woken up by the sound of a pleasant voice saying , " Jim , it 's me - Marie . I 'm so glad you have come out of your coma . " I woke up and stared at this nice looking , sweet woman . She was the nurse that Nancy , the day shift nurse had mentioned . However , it wasn 't my Marie . " Hi , Jim , you seem to be coming along fine . I 'm Marie , the night shift nurse . I 've been talking to you every day since you were admitted . To be honest with you it was touch and go for the first two days . I was really worried about you . You had multiple injuries but seem to be healing fine . You get some sleep now and we 'll take good care of you . " She gave me my pills and off to sleep I went , wondering what happened to my Marie . My hopes were up but I should have known better . I guess it just wasn 't meant to be .

" Bob , calm down " i said taking another sip from the hot chocolate " I 'm fine . Sit down and relax . Come here " I pointed to the chair next to the bed and asked him to sit down . " you are making me dizzy pacing back and forth like that " I said giggling . " I 'll be fine after taking the meds okay " He sighed and sat down . " is your arm still hurting ? " I just shook my head even though it still hurt badly . I just wanted him to relax and stop being so tense . It was making me tense too . " Bob , stop worrying about me . Just take a deep breath follow me okay " I started to breath in and out asking him to follow me and soon we were both laughing . " you feeling better now bob ? " I asked him smiling and drinking more of the hot chocolate . " trust me bob , I 've been through worse okay . I took the meds one by one and gave him the bottles as I finished each one . " there , I hate meds urrrgghh ! " I saw Bob smile out of the corner of my eye as he placed the bottles back in the bag . " I have had asthma all my life Bob , and the hospital , clinic etc is like my 2nd home " I said pulling the blankets over my shoulder . " trust me it 's not easy to go through that " I sighed and smiled at him . I laid my head down on the pillow and looked at Bob who was just staring at me . " What ? " I said tapping him on the arm " why are you staring at me like that bob ? " I was feeling awkward with the way he was looking at me . He didn 't answer he just smiled and shook his head sighing . He put the chair behind the door and went to the living room returning with a few of the sofa cushions and a blanket . I laid down and tried to sleep but the image of what happened last night still haunted me . Every time I tried to close my eyes I felt myself jump off the car and land on the pavement . I could still feel the pain and the words that came out of Bill 's mouth , " nobody is going to help you today Lyn " kept repeating in my head . " Bob ? are you still awake ? " I called out to Bob just to check if he was still awake . He was still awake . He sat up and asked me what was wrong . " I can 't sleep . I can 't get him off my mind , i 'm scared Bob " I fiddled with my fingers . Bob sighed and took my hand . I couldn 't help laughing as well . " I feel more comfy if someone was next to me " I said smiling . " sorry this is just how I am , just don 't do anything stupid okay . " I warned him shifting over a bit so there was enough room for him to lay down beside me . I didn 't have to ask twice he laid himself down beside me pulling the blanket over us and just closed his eyes . I cuddled closer to him to keep warm . I was actually freezing but I didn 't tell him . " Hey you 're pushing me off the bed Lyn " Bob sat up again and started laughing asking me move over more so he can lay down properly . I sat up and moved over more giving him more space . " are you cold ? i can get more blankets , just wait okay " He ran upstairs and was back with more blankets . There was a thermometer in his hand . " here I want to check your temperature " he handed me the thermometer and asked me to put it in my mouth . " i 'll be back " he left to go to the kitchen and came back with a glass of water . He took the thermometer and took a look at it . " Damn your temperature is insane Lyn ! " He put the thermometer on the table next to the bed . " you don 't look like you are sick girl are you okay ? " he handed me the glass of water and I took a sip and gave it back to him and asked him to lay down and sleep . I had already put the blankets over myself and as soon as he laid down I pulled his arm over my shoulder and laid right next to him with my head just leaning on his chest . " shh just close your eyes and sleep okay " Bob whispered in my ear pulling the blanket over us with his other hand . " I 'm here and I wont let him touch you " he pulled me closer and held my head with his other hand . It didn 't take me long to doze off and I fell asleep . " Lyn ? wake up it 's lunch time " I felt Bob tap my shoulder to wake me up . I stretched and yawned my head was throbbing . " go away my head hurts ! " i pushed bob 's hand away and put the pillow over my head . I fell asleep again and then I woke up feeling a cold sensation on my fore head . Bob had put a wet cloth on my head to keep my temperature down . " hey how u feeling ? " Bob helped me to sit up on the bed . Food was ready and placed on the table right next to the bed . " you need to get something to eat " " hey how u feeling ? " Bob helped me to sit up on the bed . Food was ready and placed on the table right next to the bed . " you need to get something to eat " I put my hands in front to reach out for the food but Bob just pushed them away . " I 'll help you girl , don 't worry about it okay " I couldn 't say anything I was too sore to say anything . After what seemed like hours I finally managed to talk " what time is it bob ? " I was trying to find a clock on the wall and my phone was nowhere to be seen " and where is my phone ? " I looked over at Bob who was reading his messages . " O sorry I charged it outside and it 's 4pm girl " he went outside to take my phone and handed it to me . He felt my forehead to check my temperature . " phiewph ~ glad you are not so warm anymore " he said sighing as he sat himself back down on the chair . I checked the texts and missed calls . there were so many and noticed that it was already Sunday . I needed to meet up with Grace tomorrow . I have to get better . " I need to get better bob , I have to see my Sister tomorrow . Not in this condition " I sighed and checked my left arm . It was no longer in pain but I know the wounds are not healed yet . " let me take a look at that " He lifted my arm and looked at the bandages " does it still hurt ? " I shook my head and smiled at him . " sorry for bringing u into this bob , i really appreciate you taking care of me like this " I took his hand and held it tight . " Thanks " After freshening up and changing the bandages Bob decided that we go out and eat . I still think it wasn 't safe for me to go out because Bill still kept sending me threatening text messages . I had already called his dad and asked for help because he was scaring me and what he did to me was so unacceptable . His Dad assured that he was going to make sure that Bill doesn 't disturb me anymore and if he did to call him right away . I was feeling better after that but I was still scared to eat out . I offered to cook dinner for Bob to thank him for all his help . May 23 , 2017RANTSadventures , amazing things that happen , hidupku , life oh life , life storyLyn My dad said when I was a kid I was really talkative and I didn 't care who it was and where I was , I would talk to anyone that stood beside me or in front of me , whether I knew them or not . Hahaha that 's funny Coz when I see myself now , It 's hard for me to talk to people I don 't know , unless they start talking to me that is … My dad also said that I would follow anyone as long as they gave me something I liked … That 's true till today but I don 't follow just anyone … I used to sing alot , ask alot of questions like a normal kid would . I was really annoying though and I wouldn 't stop asking till I thought what you said was correct " for me " and that didn 't mean that I was listening to the correct information . ERRRKKSSS … typical kid ! hahaha . There was this thing that happened back then that I would remember until today . It was celebration for Hari Raya Aidilfitri I forgot which year , we were on our way to my grandma 's place when we got involved in a car accident half way … . My cousin was killed and a few other people were badly injured . Back then they used trucks as public transport and that 's what we rammed into . I was sitting inside the pick up with my mom , sister , dad , and my grandma ( my mom 's mom ) , the others were sitting at the back . The others were 3 of my aunts and 2 of my cousins . As usual a kid would never sit still inside the car no matter how much you nag at them , so there i was jumping about inside the car listening to my grandma nagging when all of a sudden my dad started to swing his arm from side to side trying to shoo something away from his face , he said there was a bee in the car and he was trying to push it out of his view . From the front of the car I saw a big cloud of dust form up maybe because a car was coming from the other side . I could still hear my grandma nagging before I heard screams and felt myself fly out from the front of the car . Maybe the mirrors broke that 's why I flew out . I got up and saw that the pickup truck was facing away and I was under the other truck 's front Tyres . What I didn 't know was I nearly got run over by that truck and my head could have been smashed to bits if it didn 't stop in time . I wasn 't scared because I didn 't know what was happening at that time . I ran toward our pickup truck and started knocking on my dad 's side of the door . I didn 't know he was knocked out cold . He opened the door after what seemed like hours and I started to cry now afraid that they left me behind here in this place where I didn 't know anyone at all . Frankly speaking , I didn 't know what the hell was happening at that time . All I wanted was mommy ! My dad carried me and checked on the back of the pickup truck . My cousin was unconscious and my aunts were bleeding everywhere . After a while the ambulance came and I went in with my unconscious cousin on the same ambulance . When we reached the hospital , they didn 't treat us like we had an emergency . Don 't know what their system was like back then . They asked us to fill up some forms and without that we weren 't allowed in and no treatment was given to us ! Jack asses ! My cousin was unconscious for goodness sakes ! After what seemed like hours we finally finished all the paperwork , my cousin was taken to ICU and I had to get my head stitched up . My dad had a broken nose , my sis had a bruise on her bum and my grandma had a short amnesia … My other cousin had a cuts on her knees and that was it , my aunt broke her hand and the other 2 were fine just cuts along their necks and faces . That afternoon we heard the bad news about my cousin . She had internal bleeding in her brain so she didn 't make it . She died halfway through the surgery . I bet that 's because of the fact we took so long to fill up the paperwork before anybody decided to do something . I really was close to her and losing her was a big thing for me . Her parents were there when the doctor told us that she was gone . I saw my uncle punch the wall and left a big crack on the wall . He is gonna hate my dad forever ! That 's what was on my mind back then … That event , will be remain in my head till the day I die . Even though I was still a kid at that time … I faced a near death situation and I hope that will never happen again … . May 22 , 2017The not so Romeo & Juliet Storyadventures , amazing things that happen , cheating men and women , HELP , hidupku , liars die , life oh life , life storyLyn I opened my eyes and the lights were so bright I had to cover my eyes with my hands . I could hear Bob 's and David 's voice . " Is he gone ? " I said trying to get up . There was a sharp pain on my left arm . " Ouch ! " " I 'm fine " I said still holding my left arm in pain . " What if he comes again guys ? I 'm scared . " I said looking at both David and Bob hoping for an answer . " Here let me help " bob helped me carry my backpack and helped me down the stairs and just before we reached the front door , I stopped bob . " Bill has this thing about stalking people he might be out there somewhere waiting for us to drive out … " I said pausing " Great ! How did you get together with this guy anyway ? " He dialled a number and spoke to one of his friends then hung up . " We are going to wait for my boys to come over okay . " he took a chair from the dining table downstairs and told me to sit . " You are going to be in the same car as the boys ok Lyn . I will drive by myself with your stuff and we are going to meet up somewhere and change cars okay . " He 's nowhere to be seen Lyn let 's go " Bob unlocked his car and helped me in . He quickly drove off making sure I stayed down as low as I could so no one could see me in the car . I felt like I was a captive running for my life . We arrived at his house pretty quickly . " stay in the car till I ask you to come out okay " I just nodded and kept laying low while he parked his car and opened the door to his house . He grabbed my bags out of his car and placed it inside . I recieved a text and read it . " Stay in the car . I saw his car drive by I am just going to close the gate and door for a while . Will be back to get you okay . " I held my breath and kept laying as low as I could closing my eyes and trying to keep myself calm . I don 't want my asthma to ruin everything . I heard a car pull over in front of Bob 's house . He opened the door and opened the gate to let his friends in . I read the text from Bob and did as I was told . I didn 't bother to look left right or behind when the boys came by and opened the door . I got out quickly and followed them into the house . I sat down on the sofa and looked around . I heard Bob 's Sisters coming down the stairs as Bob walked into the house . " Thanks Guys " he said thanking his friends for the help " u okay girl ? " he walked over to sit next to me " I just nodded . " hey bobby we going out with mom tonight she 's meeting us out for dinner we will pack u both something to eat k . " They didn 't look surprised to see me there . " you must be Lyn " She put her hand out for a handshake I took her hand " I 'm Betty and she is Brenda just make yourself at home " she headed out toward the door " hurry up Brenda ! " I smiled at Bob " Bobby ? " and giggled " that is so cute " I pinched him on the cheeks and saw him blush . His friends started laughing . " ok Bob we better get going now " his friends headed out the door too and soon we were left alone in the house . My left arm was still hurting and I lifted my arm to check the bandages . " wow ! Your arm Lyn , it 's bleeding ! " he hurried over and checked my arm . " we have to change the bandages Lyn " he said pausing to get my bag . " Here … " he handed me tha bag " the guest room is straight to the right from the kitchen " I walked into the guest room and locked the door behind me . After cleaning my cuts I had trouble putting the new bandages on I need your help after all bob I said to myself as I walked out the door . Bob was watching TV . He looked at me with a worried look on his face . " has he done this to you before ? " He stood up to put the scissors back in the kitchen cabinet . " what did you see in him ? he nearly killed you ! " " you hungry ? What 's taking the girls so long ? " I heard Bob sigh as he started dialling numbers on his phone " Mom I 'm starving and Lyn is here " he said pausing and listening to his mom talk . " aaawww man . When u guys coming back ? That 's not fair ! " He walked into the kitchen and then came out with some vegetables a knife and cutting board . " okay mom c u guys " He hung up and put his phone on the table sighing . He looked at the vegies on the table then looked at me . " you know what ? I have no idea what to cook " He sat down at the dining table " i 'm going out to get some food " He packed the vegies and took his car keys heading for the door . " Go inside the room Lock the door and Wait till I get back . He switched off the TV , lights and fan closing the door behind him . I was left alone in the dark . I headed to the guest room and closed the door . I didn 't bother turning on the lights or the fan in the room . I was freezing anyway . Sam : Hi Lyn I dropped by at the hostel and your boss said you went back to your parents . Hope you already took your meds . Take care … Jane : Babe ? long time no hear . I just got back from outsation . Has Gary boy called yet ? Dropping by the cafe later on with Tim . cya Bill : Where are you ? I know that Guy is helping you hide from me Lyn ! Let 's just see how long you can hide from me … cu around princess muuahhx " Lyn ! ! open the damn door ! ! ! I know you 're inside ! " I was awakened by the sound of Bill 's voice Knocking on the front door . He laughed and then continued knocking " No one 's going to help you today Lyn … hahahaha " I felt my heart skip a beat . The banging on the door got louder and harder and eventually I heard the door break open . I stood up and tried to walk over to the guest room door to lock it but I was too tired . I couldn 't force myself . It was too late Bill already found me . He was standing in the middle of the doorway . " hahahahaha " I saw him smiling at me with the evil grin on his face " no one 's going to help you today Lyn " he started to walk toward me and put his hands around my neck choking me really hard . I tried to fight him but I wasn 't able to move I was too weak . " No one is going to help you today Lyn ! " He started shaking me really hard . Crazy thoughts ran through my mind " am i going to die today ? " I opened my eyes and the room was no longer dark . I quickly got up and tried running out the door . Bob grabbed my arms and pulled me back . " it 's me Lyn ! Look at me ! " I cried and hugged him without thinking . " He was here … " I said sobbing " He tried to Kill me Bob . " " It 's okay Lyn u were just dreaming " he tried comforting me hugging me really tight " He was never here . Trust me okay " He rubbed his hands up and down my back . I was still breathing hard and it was really hard to breathe . I pulled away from Bob and sat myself on the bed . " I 'm freezing … " I paused catching my breath " I can 't breathe properly Bob " I put my head between my knees breathing out really long breaths and breathing in short breaths . It took longer than expected but I managed to gain control of my breathing again . My heart was still thumping so hard . Bob had just gone upstairs to get some blankets and was walking into the room . " here some blankets to keep you warm . You want anything to eat ? " I was going to say no but remembering that I have to take my meds I just nodded and tried getting up to go to the dining table . " whoa … " I felt my knees buckle and Bob caught me just in time before I hit the floor . " steady there Lyn " My head was throbbing and I was feeling dizzy " U okay girl ? " Bob was looking at me , he helped me sit on the bed as he placed pillows behind me so i can lean back . " You feel warm " he said walking out of the room coming back with some food and a glass of water . I had already wrapped myself in the blankets he got earlier . May 20 , 2017The not so Romeo & Juliet Storyadventures , amazing things that happen , cheating men and women , HELP , hidupku , liars die , life oh life , life storyLyn I got up hearing the sound of knocking on my door . " coming ! " I said trying to get up putting my sweater on . I was freezing . I checked the time on my phone and it was already lunch time . I opened the door to see David there . " Holy Dumbells ! What happened to you ? " He said in shock walking into the room to sit on my bed . I just walked over to sit next to him . " Just an accident last night . Everyone left me behind so I had to walk back alone " I paused fiddling with my phone . " what 's up ? Anything you want me to do ? " He got up from the bed and walked towards the door . " Yeah actually I just came up to check if you already made up your mind about the promotion . " He winked and started to walk out " Tell me once you get better okay . How many days you gonna take MC ? " There were a few missed calls on my phone from Bill , Sam , Bob and Jane . I didn 't bother to call back because I really felt tired and needed to get some more sleep . I slumped myself back on the bed and stared at the ceiling . Then the call I was waiting for . Grace finally called me " Hey sorry about the chaos I created " She said when I answered the call . " you should be . Dad is furious he is threatening to leave us ! " I said trying to keep myself calm . " Everyone thought I helped you run away from home . What got into you ? " I added sitting up so I could talk better . " Can we talk later ? I 'll text you my address later and we can meet up okay ? " She hung up the call and I knew if I called her she wouldn 't answer so I just put my phone back on the bed and stared at the ceiling again . I guess staring at the ceiling was my favorite thing to do now that I have so many things to think about nowadays . I forgot that I had promised Sam to meet up today and my phone was ringing again . " Sam something happened last night and I don 't think I can go out . Kinda injured can you come up to my room ? " I said sighing . He hung up the call and soon I heard a knock on the door . I took a deep breath before opening the door expecting the same reaction that I got from David just then . " My goodness ! " He said in shock " Are you okay ? " He grabbed a chair from behind my door and sat down . I walked over to my bed and sat down too . I nodded and sighed " Long story " I paused for a few seconds " I jumped out of someone 's car last night . Don 't ask me anything yet okay I don 't feel like talking about it . I am so sore right now Sam " Sam still had the shocked look on his face . " You really jumped out of a moving car ? That 's like stunt man thing girl ! You are lucky you 're still alive . " he said sighing . " you had anything to eat yet ? I can go buy you some food and we can just hang out here for the rest of the afternoon . " I just nodded and told him he could get me anything and it was fine . He left and was back again really quickly . " you taken your meds yet Lyn ? " He said handing me the packed food . I shook my head puting the food on the make up table just in front of me . " No that 's fine Lyn we can eat out of the packaging " he said stopping me " you need to get some rest okay ? " i shrugged and sat back down on the bed and handed him the plastic bag with the 2 packages inside . He handed me one and we started eating straight away . I didn 't feel like eating and as usual I would just play around with the food with the chopstick . He noticed I was doing that " Here open up I know you don 't want to eat but you have to " I pushed the spoon away and put some food in my mouth . I didn 't want anyone else to spoonfeed me other than Gary . " My ex did it Sam . He said he was going to send me home last night coz everyone left me behind at the cafe . " I said pausing and looking at Sam who was still waiting for me to explain more on what happened last night . " He was pissed off because I didn 't notice he was at the cafe so he was just driving off and I didn 't know where he was taking me , so I jumped out of the car " I stopped talking and waited for his response . I didn 't bother answering I was too tired . I just sighed and looked down on the floor . " sorry i don 't feel like talking about that Sam " I said fiddling with my phone . I wish Gary would call me so I could tell him everything . I sighed and looked over at Sam who was also fiddling with his phone . " Hey take your meds where did you put them ? " Sam asked me suddenly after putting his phone into his pocket . I pointed to the bag behind him . He grabbed the bag and handed it to me . I took the bottles out of the bag one by one and checked the labels following the instructions on each label . " you are like a baby you know that Lyn ? " He sd laughing . " I am going to make sure you take your meds from now on till you are better okay . I 'll call you if I have to . " His phone suddenly rang and I knew he was talking to Ryan because whenever Ryan called they would call each other this name that I don 't even know how to pronounce . Sam told Ryan what happened and Ryan said he wanted to meet up somewhere later on . I heard him say 5pm then hung up the call . " I have to get going Lyn " he said placing his phone back into his pocket . " what 's your ex 's name anyway ? " he said standing up and putting the chair back behind the door . " And what car does he drive ? " " Okay got to go Lyn will call you later okay . see ya " he waved and was off . I watched him drive off and decided to take a nap . Before I could doze of my phone rang again . It was Bob . " Hey how you doing ? taken your meds yet " I couldn 't help but laugh when he said that . " What 's so funny girl ? " He said confused why i was laughing . " Sorry , I have been hearing the same thing for like nearly 2 hours when everyone calls me … " I said to him gigling " yeah I 'm fine bob and yes i have taken my meds . Where are you ? " " I 'm downstairs got you something to eat here coming up in a second " I looked out my window and there he was . I just ate something with Sam and now Bob is here with more food . I opened my door before he got upstairs and he came in with a big smile on his face . " so how r u feeling today ? " He put the food on the table and the packaging from Sam 's food was still on the table . " looks like you got visitors before me there haha " He said opening up the food . " luckily i got us snacks instead of lunch hey " " na ah ! " I shook my head and took it off his hands . " I 'll do that later Dr . Bob " I said giggling putting the bandage under my pillow . He smiled at me and started to munch on the snacks he bought . " want some ? " he handed me the box . I took the banana fritter and started eating it . " Guess what Bob ? " I said chewing on the banana fritter " My sister finally called me " I sighed and swallowed whatever was left in my mouth . " She is going to text me her address and hopefully I can meet her by tonight " Bob smiled and pinched my nose " You are one bubbly person you know that Lyn . It 's so fun just hanging out with you " He placed the box back on the table and handed me a drink he bought . We were interrupted by the noise of horning downstairs . we both looked at each other . " It 's him " I recocginzed the sound of that horn it was from Bill 's Car I was just about to look out my window when Bob stopped me . " let me go down to take a look , please lock your door . If anything happens don 't ever come down okay " He walked out and closed the door behind him . I heard him talking with Zack , Harry and Rico , they were heading off to work already . I looked at the time and it was 3pm . There were missed calls from Bill . I had blocked his number so I didn 't get notifications if he called in . My heart started to beat faster as I heard Bill scream out my name . " Lyn I know you are up there ! " he kept pressing his horn . " She 's not here Boss . " I heard Harry 's voice " She didn 't come home since yesterday . You want to pass a message ? " I heard Bill turn off his engine getting out of the car . OMG please don 't go up here . I was praying really hard he wouldn 't go up to the room . Bob please do something . I quickly hid in the corner beside my bed where there was just enough space for me to fit in . My heart was beating so hard I couldn 't hear anything but my heart . I heard another car pull over in the driveway . " please let that be david " i said to myself . " Hey what 's going on here " I gave a sigh of relief hearing David 's voice and I know if Bill was alone with more than 2 guys around he wasn 't brave enough to do anything stupid . " Anything I can help you with there bro " He said to Bill " you are Lyn 's Boyfriend right ? She 's not here she didn 't come home . I 'll tell her you dropped by okay . " I heard Bill get in the car and drive off . Zack Harry and David were talking downstairs and I heard Bob 's voice as well . He told David what happened last night and always to keep an eye on me just in case Bill came and caused any trouble at the cafe . I felt my breaths get shorter and it was harder for me to breathe . Soon the boys were knocking on my door . Gosh I locked the door ! I tried getting up but It was so hard to get up . I wasn 't able to breathe properly and I just couldn 't move anymore . I felt myself black out and the last thing I heard were the guys calling in for me to open the door . May 19 , 2017The not so Romeo & Juliet Storyadventures , amazing things that happen , cheating men and women , HELP , hidupku , liars die , life oh life , life storyLyn " you okay ? " Sam 's voice was clear on the other line and he sounded sleepy . " I just arrived home and getting into the house . What 's up ? " I didn 't expect him to call me back so fast . " Let 's just text okay " I said not in the mood to talk . I was fiddling with the bed sheet and the corner of my pillow . Sam picked me up from the hostel just after lunch to go look for Grace and we met up with some of her friends there and asked her to text or call me urgently . Sam had reserved a place so we could have lunch together and we spent the rest of the afternoon together just hanging out . He sent me to work and then was off to meet Ryan and his boys . It was a busy day and we were packing for the day and my phone started ringing . It was from an unknown overseas number . " omg Gary ! " I quickly answered the call and it was Gary . " Babe ! how are you ? I 'm going crazy over here without you ! " His voice was so clear and I felt so relieved to hear that voice again . I sat myself down at one of the benches nearby the bar at the cafe . " I don 't think I am able to come back that quick babe . So much to do " I heard him sigh . " I miss you Gary BOy " I said my eyes started to fill up with tears . I was crying and I couldn 't talk . " come back here , I need you " We didn 't talk for long it was 6am there and he had to get to work . He promised to call me back soon . I got up and walked over to where the staff were gathered but they were no longer there . There was a text from Berry and they had already gone ahead without me . Great ! now I had to walk home by myself . Jane , Tim and John hadn 't come by to the Cafe for some time now , have they forgotten about me ? I quickly walked toward the main road hoping I could catch up with the guys . I was shocked to see Bill 's Car parked right in front of the Gate . He was waiting for me . He flashed his lights signalling for me to get in the car . I walked over to the driver 's side and signalled for him to wind the windows down . " I was at the cafe the whole night Lyn , you didn 't notice me ? " His face was serious and he didn 't smile at all . It was really busy and I didn 't even see him the whole night . " who were you talking too on the phone just then huh ? your new boyfriend ? " I was getting annoyed but I tried to keep calm to make sure he would send me back to the hostel and not take me somewhere else . Bill had a temper problem and he would just yell scream hit me if he didn 't like what I said or did . " It was busy Bill , I think you did see me running around like crazy taking orders right ? " I said trying to explain the reason why I didn 't notice he was even there . " And I was talking with Gary boy on the phone , my best friend . I thought I told you about him already . " He didn 't say a word and drove faster . I didn 't like this and started to text Bob . He lived nearby and I didn 't want to disturb Sam at this hour . " Hey , my ex just picked me up from work sd he 's gonna send me back to the hostel but his temper is coming and I might need ur help . Will update you if i need help okay . Don 't call me . " I pressed the send button and took a deep breath . " I thought you 're sending me home Bill ? " I said looking over at him after he missed the junction to the hostel . Still no answer I was really getting restless now . I didn 't care I was getting out of this car no matter what happened . " Bill stop the car or I will jump out I don 't give a damn okay ! " I screamed at him . Still no answer he just kept driving on toward town . He had locked the car from his side but I still could unlock it from my side of the car . I tried my luck again . " STOP THE CAR BILL ! I ' M GOING TO CALL THE COPS ! STOP THE DAMN CAR ! ! ! " I was screaming at the top of my lungs and I was terrified . His dad was a cop and I knew he wasn 't scared . I dialled the first number I could remember . It was Bob 's number he answered the call after 2 rings . " HELP ! ! ! " that was the only thing I managed to say before Bill grabbed the phone off my hands . " No one is gonna help you today Lyn ! " He kept driving on . I didn 't care and I decided I had to take things into my own hands . I pulled hard at the lock and tried to open the door . If I was going to die today it would be better than being in the same car as Bill ! A ghust of wind blew in as I opened the door grabbed my bag and my phone which was on the floor . I took a deep breath and jumped out of the moving car . It was dark and I landed with a thump on the sidewalk and it was odd because there were no cars driving behind Bill 's Car . I had rolled a few times before I could regain control of myself . My head and arms were hurting and I don 't know how I got up but I ran in the opposite direction as fast as I could . I heard Bill 's brakes screech as I ran down the road . I know he couldn 't drive against traffic so I just kept running as fast as I could . I checked my phone and it was still on line with Bob . " Bob help ! ! ! " I was talking and running at the same time . " I have no idea where I am everything is dark . I just jumped out of his car . He just wont stop driving . " I said pausing to look back just in case Bill was crazy enough to drive against traffic " OMG Bob he is coming after me " I said panting really hard now . I crossed the road to the other side so he couldn 't run over me . I was crying and I didn 't recognize anything to find out where I was . " BOB ! ! " I screamed and kept running . then something caught my eye . I read out the first sign board I could see and Bob asked me to find somewhere to hide while he gets there . I couldn 't find anywere to hide so I hid behind a flower bush at the sidewalk right behind the bus stop . My heart thumping so hard it felt like it was going to jump out of my mouth . My arms and my head were hurting and I was feeling dizy . Bob was still on the line . " I 'm nearly there girl just hang in there okay . " I was blacking out and I don 't know if I could hold it any longer . I can hear Bill 's voice calling out and soon I heard his car drive off . " He 's gone … " I said to bob who was still on the line I sighed and felt myself black out . I got up to the vibrating and ringing of my phone . It was Bob . Before I could answer , the call ended and I heard footsteps coming . I held my breath and didn 't move . " Lyn ? " It was Bob 's voice . " Girl it 's me . Where are you ? " I tried to get up but my body was aching too bad to move . " I 'm here " I said as loudly as I can waving my arm in the air hoping he could see me . " Behind the bus stop " I added trying to get up again but it was still no use . " O my God ! " I heard Bob gasp in shock as he walked toward me . " Are you okay ? " I felt my breaths getting shorter I couldn 't talk . I just shook my head and covered my face with my hands . " let 's take you to the nearest Clinic okay " He said helping me up . I couldn 't even get up he had to carry me into the car . " How did you even get in the car with that idiot in the first place Lyn ? " Bob was furious with what happened . " You should have known better . " I didn 't bother answering him because I knew I shouldn 't have went with him in the first place . My whole body was hurting and I had bandages all over my arms and knees and my head . The doctor rubbed on my cuts so hard cleaning it just then to avoid infection . My asthma was just starting and I had to use that breathing technic again to feel better . I was so tired I couldn 't focus on what Bob was actually saying . I held my head between my knees bending over . We were in the car heading back to the hostel . " Can we not go back to the hostel yet Bob ? " I didn 't know what to do next . " no I feel like I got run over by a truck Bob . " I took a deep breath and closed my eyes leaning back on the seat . " Sorry for troubling you and thanks for helping . " I dug into my bag to get some cash and handed it to Bob . " I need to get something to eat " I said grinning at him . " starving … after that then we go home okay ? " He nodded and drove off to the nearest opened stall to pack some food . I waited for him in the car while he packed the burger i asked for . Suddenly I caught a glimpse of Bill 's Car drive past and park just ahead of Bob 's Car . I slid myself down so he couldn 't see me and quickly sent a text to Bob . I saw Bob turn toward me after reading the text and looked around to look for Bill 's Car . Once the burger was done he quickly walked over and got in the car . " He went over to join his friends at the table over there girl , don 't worry he didn 't see me . " He passed the plastic bag with the burger inside and drove off pushing my head down lower so no one could see me in his car . He drove the car to the 2nd beach and we parked there for a while . " Oh My Gosh Bob " I said sighing with relief " How is it we are always at the same place at the same time ? " I said opening the burger to take a bite . I wasn 't able to open the burger package my hands were hurting . " Gosh I hate it when this happens " I pushed the plastic bag back down and leaned back on the seat sighing and looking out the window . Bob grabbed the plastic bag and opened the burger for me . " There " Bob handed me the burger " eat up tell me if you need help okay ? " I started eating and then asked if he had a bottle of water in the car for me to drink . After that he sent me back to the Hostel and helped me all the way up to the room so I could rest . First of all Adrian and Amsyar caught the fever and when I sent them over to the babysitter on Monday I didn 't expect them to be sick because they weren 't acting like they were sick and they were totally fine . Monday evening I got a text from the babysitter saying that both were having a fever and she didn 't want to look after them when they are sick . She was giving a whole lot of excuses so she didn 't need to look after them . She asked me to pick them up the next day after work . I was too tired to argue with her so I just said okay . My sister was working the morning shift so I had to ask help from someone else . when we got there Adrian was awake by himself in front of the TV and the babysitter ? She was sleeping . That was just great ! If you found your kid in that situation what would you have thought ? I really was happy to take them back and look after both by myself not minding to take off for the next few days for my beloved babies . I was not going to leave my kids like that NO WAY ! so there I was asking someone else for help to get my kids and really I hate troubling other people . I needed to get my kids to the clinic A . S . A . P . I had to wait till my sister got back from work to take Adrian to the clinic . amsyar 's fever had gone down but Adrian just got worse . I called the office to inform that I couldn 't come if for work and left for the clinic . After that we just went home had dinner and that was it for that day . My mom arrived the next day and i didn 't get to go with my sister to get her at the airport because the kids were at home . Adrian got better so I went to work on the 10th but on the 11th I had just come in to work for like an hour and I had to go home because Adrian 's temperature had gone up again so there I was again going home off work . The next day I got a message from my Team Leader and she told me that I could take another day off to look after the kids . I was really grateful for that . The weekends came around and the kids got a bit better and then we sent them to the babysitter again on monday . May 17 , 2017The not so Romeo & Juliet Storyadventures , amazing things that happen , cheating men and women , hidupku , liars die , life oh life , life storyLyn " Goal ! ! ! " I stood up in delight and clapped as Chelsea scored another goal . I turned around and Sam was also up he looked at me and we gave each other a high 5 . " Sorry I am like this when I watch a match , even when I am alone . " I grinned and looked around us . The majority of the people at the restaurant were all Man U fans . " oopsss . " I said covering my mouth with my hand , shrugged and sat back down on my seat . I took a sip from my drink and sat down as we continued to watch the match which was in the last half . My phone rang and it was Bob on the line . " Hey girl you free next week my boys and I were thinking of going over to the bar and doing a birthday party for my friend here . Hope you can join us " I marked the date in my important dates on my phone and told Bob that I would text him for any updates . " just a customer at the bar , he wants to book the place for his friend 's birthday next week . I have check the dates so need to give him a call back later to update . " I smiled and kept watching the game when my phone rang again and this time it was my dad . " uh oh " my heart skipped a beat . " what now ? " I didn 't know whether to answer or not . I haven 't found Grace yet and I was scared . I looked over to Sam and he gave me a shrug . " Just answer it . what 's wrong ? " He stood up and went toward the counter i guess to buy cigarrettes . I quickly answered the call . " yes dad , what 's up ? " I wasn 't expecting a good answer and the question that I dreaded suddenly came around . " hey lyn , everything is up except your sister . Have you found her yet . I am getting sick of waiting you know ? " I bit my lip and kept quiet waiting for what he was going to say next . " Why are you quiet ? I know you haven 't even started looking yet . Just mark my words young lady . If you don 't find your sister soon you wont be seing your dad anymore and you have to take my place in looking after your mom , aunt and siblings if i leave okay . " He hung up the call and again I was left looking at the phone in dismay . i felt my eyes swell up with tears . I tried to hold the tears back and lit up a cigarette trying to focus on the game . I saw Ryan looking at me from across the table . I felt him kick my leg and asked me what 's wrong . I just shook my head and continued smoking . I didn 't realise Sam was watching me the whole time . " What happened ? who was that ? " Sam 's question was what i didn 't want to answer . I suddenly felt like crying and I needed to get out of there before they saw the other side of me " sorry guys i have to go . " I stood up and walked toward the nearest bus stop . Before I could reach the bus stop I felt someone pull my arm back . " hey Girl , what 's wrong , you don 't just walk away on people like that okay ? " I was already crying and I didn 't feel like talking so I looked down and just sat myself down at the sidewalk like I always did when I didn 't know what to do . I felt Sam sit down beside me . " You want to tell me about it ? " he said pushing my shoulder with his . " you want to go somewhere else I can go and get the car and we can get out of here okay . " I just nodded I saw him get up and walk off and after a minute I saw his car driving up in front of me . I stood up and went into his car . I looked out the window on my side of the car and focused on the view outside trying to avoid any conversation with Sam . He drove on toward the beach and stopped at the parking lot where Gary always took me . He handed me his cigarrette box and a lighter . I immediately took one stick and lit it looking out toward the beach . " I know what 's going on . " I heard Sam talk after a few minutes of silence . " I can help you look for her you know . " I was shocked . How did he know ? I looked at him in shock and sat up . " don 't ask me how i know okay , i just know . " He smiled and lit his cigarette . I don 't know why but Sam was a guy you can get attracted to quite quickly and yeah I was actually getting attracted to him . I was trying to avoid though because I still had Gary on my mind . " you want to tell me about it Lyn ? " I was getting uncomfortable but since no one was around I thought I could start by telling him what happened just then . I told him what my dad told me and I needed to find my sister as soon as possible . " why don 't we start tomorrow ? " he said suddenly . " Just go to where she works and ask her friends to tell her to call you . she knows your number right ? " I never thought of that . I was actually smiling now and I was feeling better . I sighed as I leaned myself back on the seat and threw my cigarette out the window . " Anyway " I paused , I really wanted to know how he found out my sister ran away from home . " How did you know about my sister Sam ? " I asked him looking him right in the eye . He was fiddling with his phone . He looked up at me and smiled giving me a shrug . " I could see it in your eyes I guess . " He said giggling . " your face shows a whole lot of emotions even if you don 't talk you know . " He added smiling at me . " no Sam , seriously " I was not buying that answer " How did you know ? do you know people I know ? " I was getting more confused every minute . " OMG ! really ? " I covered my face in embarrassment and laughed . " sorry I didn 't mean to drag you into my mess okay Sam . I never thought I would talk about that stuff when I 'm drunk . " I looked down fiddling with my hands and I really was getting restless when suddenly I felt Sam pull my chin up to look at him . " hey chin up okay ? we will find your sister " he smiled at me and patted me on the head " you don 't need to be embarrassed about anything okay and stop blushing " he said laughing . OMG he was really making me blush like heck and I couldn 't help but laugh and looked away from him scared he would see me blush even more . I checked the time on my Phone and it was already 1am and I was getting hungry . " i 'm kinda hungry Sam can we go get something to eat " I said as I put the phone back into my pocket . Before he could answer his phone rang . " she 's fine okay she 's with me and we are heading to Cafe Rio to get something to eat you wanna join ? " It was Ryan he was updating us on who won the match and asking Sam about me . " that was ryan being a worry wart " he said hanging up the call . " he worries about everyone except himself " he started to drive off to Cafe rio and surely there was ryan waiting for us already starting to eat what he ordered . He waved at us with a smile as he continued eating . The roads were busy tonight and yeah as usual Sam held my hand while we crossed the road . I hit him on the shoulder " I am not a kid anymore okay i can cross the road without you holding my hand . " He laughed as he walked toward Ryan and sat himself next to Ryan calling the waiter over for the menu . I didn 't know what to order so I asked Ryan and Sam to order for me . " let 's just order something for the both of us okay " Sam said looking through the menu and pointed to something i never had before . I just nodded and waited for the order to come . " Lyn please don 't walk away from us like that next time . You had me worried just then " Ryan was talking with his mouthful as he chewed on his food and took a sip from his drink . He swallowed his food and started talking again " You know there are no buses at this hour right ? " I didn 't realize that until today because my friends used to look after me like I was a baby and if I ran off they would always come after me and made sure I was Okay . I was laughing at him because he was talking and chewing at the same time . " I am serious okay Lyn don 't ever do that again . " he said pointing his finger at me . Sam was just laughing beside him and shaking his head . " Okay Ryan I wont do that again " I said smiling pushing his pointer away . The food and drinks arrived shortly after that and after we ate Sam asked me if I needed anything else before we went back . Nobody asked me that before , except for Gary that is . I just shook my head and said I was good . We headed home that night and Sam said he was going to pick me up tomorrow afternoon to look for Grace at her workplace . At least now I know that someone was going to help me find Grace . I stared at the ceiling in my room at the hostel with the freddy knife in my hand just looking at it and pushing the blade in and out . The urge to cut myself was so strong that I threw the knife toward the wall and pulled the covers over my head . Gary 's voice suddenly came back into my mind " Don 't you dare think about it Lyn ! put that knife away babe ! " Tears started rolling down my face . " When are you going to call me Gary boy ? I really miss you " I missed everything about him his smile , his laugh , his voice , his hugs and his jokes . I was going crazy just thinking about him . I wonder what he is doing right now ? I reached out for my phone and without thinking I texted sam . Text Widget This is a text widget , which allows you to add text or HTML to your sidebar . You can use them to display text , links , images , HTML , or a combination of these . Edit them in the Widget section of the Customizer .

" Bob , calm down " i said taking another sip from the hot chocolate " I 'm fine . Sit down and relax . Come here " I pointed to the chair next to the bed and asked him to sit down . " you are making me dizzy pacing back and forth like that " I said giggling . " I 'll be fine after taking the meds okay " He sighed and sat down . " is your arm still hurting ? " I just shook my head even though it still hurt badly . I just wanted him to relax and stop being so tense . It was making me tense too . " Bob , stop worrying about me . Just take a deep breath follow me okay " I started to breath in and out asking him to follow me and soon we were both laughing . " you feeling better now bob ? " I asked him smiling and drinking more of the hot chocolate . " trust me bob , I 've been through worse okay . I took the meds one by one and gave him the bottles as I finished each one . " there , I hate meds urrrgghh ! " I saw Bob smile out of the corner of my eye as he placed the bottles back in the bag . " I have had asthma all my life Bob , and the hospital , clinic etc is like my 2nd home " I said pulling the blankets over my shoulder . " trust me it 's not easy to go through that " I sighed and smiled at him . I laid my head down on the pillow and looked at Bob who was just staring at me . " What ? " I said tapping him on the arm " why are you staring at me like that bob ? " I was feeling awkward with the way he was looking at me . He didn 't answer he just smiled and shook his head sighing . He put the chair behind the door and went to the living room returning with a few of the sofa cushions and a blanket . I laid down and tried to sleep but the image of what happened last night still haunted me . Every time I tried to close my eyes I felt myself jump off the car and land on the pavement . I could still feel the pain and the words that came out of Bill 's mouth , " nobody is going to help you today Lyn " kept repeating in my head . " Bob ? are you still awake ? " I called out to Bob just to check if he was still awake . He was still awake . He sat up and asked me what was wrong . " I can 't sleep . I can 't get him off my mind , i 'm scared Bob " I fiddled with my fingers . Bob sighed and took my hand . I couldn 't help laughing as well . " I feel more comfy if someone was next to me " I said smiling . " sorry this is just how I am , just don 't do anything stupid okay . " I warned him shifting over a bit so there was enough room for him to lay down beside me . I didn 't have to ask twice he laid himself down beside me pulling the blanket over us and just closed his eyes . I cuddled closer to him to keep warm . I was actually freezing but I didn 't tell him . " Hey you 're pushing me off the bed Lyn " Bob sat up again and started laughing asking me move over more so he can lay down properly . I sat up and moved over more giving him more space . " are you cold ? i can get more blankets , just wait okay " He ran upstairs and was back with more blankets . There was a thermometer in his hand . " here I want to check your temperature " he handed me the thermometer and asked me to put it in my mouth . " i 'll be back " he left to go to the kitchen and came back with a glass of water . He took the thermometer and took a look at it . " Damn your temperature is insane Lyn ! " He put the thermometer on the table next to the bed . " you don 't look like you are sick girl are you okay ? " he handed me the glass of water and I took a sip and gave it back to him and asked him to lay down and sleep . I had already put the blankets over myself and as soon as he laid down I pulled his arm over my shoulder and laid right next to him with my head just leaning on his chest . " shh just close your eyes and sleep okay " Bob whispered in my ear pulling the blanket over us with his other hand . " I 'm here and I wont let him touch you " he pulled me closer and held my head with his other hand . It didn 't take me long to doze off and I fell asleep . " Lyn ? wake up it 's lunch time " I felt Bob tap my shoulder to wake me up . I stretched and yawned my head was throbbing . " go away my head hurts ! " i pushed bob 's hand away and put the pillow over my head . I fell asleep again and then I woke up feeling a cold sensation on my fore head . Bob had put a wet cloth on my head to keep my temperature down . " hey how u feeling ? " Bob helped me to sit up on the bed . Food was ready and placed on the table right next to the bed . " you need to get something to eat " " hey how u feeling ? " Bob helped me to sit up on the bed . Food was ready and placed on the table right next to the bed . " you need to get something to eat " I put my hands in front to reach out for the food but Bob just pushed them away . " I 'll help you girl , don 't worry about it okay " I couldn 't say anything I was too sore to say anything . After what seemed like hours I finally managed to talk " what time is it bob ? " I was trying to find a clock on the wall and my phone was nowhere to be seen " and where is my phone ? " I looked over at Bob who was reading his messages . " O sorry I charged it outside and it 's 4pm girl " he went outside to take my phone and handed it to me . He felt my forehead to check my temperature . " phiewph ~ glad you are not so warm anymore " he said sighing as he sat himself back down on the chair . I checked the texts and missed calls . there were so many and noticed that it was already Sunday . I needed to meet up with Grace tomorrow . I have to get better . " I need to get better bob , I have to see my Sister tomorrow . Not in this condition " I sighed and checked my left arm . It was no longer in pain but I know the wounds are not healed yet . " let me take a look at that " He lifted my arm and looked at the bandages " does it still hurt ? " I shook my head and smiled at him . " sorry for bringing u into this bob , i really appreciate you taking care of me like this " I took his hand and held it tight . " Thanks " After freshening up and changing the bandages Bob decided that we go out and eat . I still think it wasn 't safe for me to go out because Bill still kept sending me threatening text messages . I had already called his dad and asked for help because he was scaring me and what he did to me was so unacceptable . His Dad assured that he was going to make sure that Bill doesn 't disturb me anymore and if he did to call him right away . I was feeling better after that but I was still scared to eat out . I offered to cook dinner for Bob to thank him for all his help . May 23 , 2017RANTSadventures , amazing things that happen , hidupku , life oh life , life storyLyn My dad said when I was a kid I was really talkative and I didn 't care who it was and where I was , I would talk to anyone that stood beside me or in front of me , whether I knew them or not . Hahaha that 's funny Coz when I see myself now , It 's hard for me to talk to people I don 't know , unless they start talking to me that is … My dad also said that I would follow anyone as long as they gave me something I liked … That 's true till today but I don 't follow just anyone … I used to sing alot , ask alot of questions like a normal kid would . I was really annoying though and I wouldn 't stop asking till I thought what you said was correct " for me " and that didn 't mean that I was listening to the correct information . ERRRKKSSS … typical kid ! hahaha . There was this thing that happened back then that I would remember until today . It was celebration for Hari Raya Aidilfitri I forgot which year , we were on our way to my grandma 's place when we got involved in a car accident half way … . My cousin was killed and a few other people were badly injured . Back then they used trucks as public transport and that 's what we rammed into . I was sitting inside the pick up with my mom , sister , dad , and my grandma ( my mom 's mom ) , the others were sitting at the back . The others were 3 of my aunts and 2 of my cousins . As usual a kid would never sit still inside the car no matter how much you nag at them , so there i was jumping about inside the car listening to my grandma nagging when all of a sudden my dad started to swing his arm from side to side trying to shoo something away from his face , he said there was a bee in the car and he was trying to push it out of his view . From the front of the car I saw a big cloud of dust form up maybe because a car was coming from the other side . I could still hear my grandma nagging before I heard screams and felt myself fly out from the front of the car . Maybe the mirrors broke that 's why I flew out . I got up and saw that the pickup truck was facing away and I was under the other truck 's front Tyres . What I didn 't know was I nearly got run over by that truck and my head could have been smashed to bits if it didn 't stop in time . I wasn 't scared because I didn 't know what was happening at that time . I ran toward our pickup truck and started knocking on my dad 's side of the door . I didn 't know he was knocked out cold . He opened the door after what seemed like hours and I started to cry now afraid that they left me behind here in this place where I didn 't know anyone at all . Frankly speaking , I didn 't know what the hell was happening at that time . All I wanted was mommy ! My dad carried me and checked on the back of the pickup truck . My cousin was unconscious and my aunts were bleeding everywhere . After a while the ambulance came and I went in with my unconscious cousin on the same ambulance . When we reached the hospital , they didn 't treat us like we had an emergency . Don 't know what their system was like back then . They asked us to fill up some forms and without that we weren 't allowed in and no treatment was given to us ! Jack asses ! My cousin was unconscious for goodness sakes ! After what seemed like hours we finally finished all the paperwork , my cousin was taken to ICU and I had to get my head stitched up . My dad had a broken nose , my sis had a bruise on her bum and my grandma had a short amnesia … My other cousin had a cuts on her knees and that was it , my aunt broke her hand and the other 2 were fine just cuts along their necks and faces . That afternoon we heard the bad news about my cousin . She had internal bleeding in her brain so she didn 't make it . She died halfway through the surgery . I bet that 's because of the fact we took so long to fill up the paperwork before anybody decided to do something . I really was close to her and losing her was a big thing for me . Her parents were there when the doctor told us that she was gone . I saw my uncle punch the wall and left a big crack on the wall . He is gonna hate my dad forever ! That 's what was on my mind back then … That event , will be remain in my head till the day I die . Even though I was still a kid at that time … I faced a near death situation and I hope that will never happen again … . May 22 , 2017The not so Romeo & Juliet Storyadventures , amazing things that happen , cheating men and women , HELP , hidupku , liars die , life oh life , life storyLyn I opened my eyes and the lights were so bright I had to cover my eyes with my hands . I could hear Bob 's and David 's voice . " Is he gone ? " I said trying to get up . There was a sharp pain on my left arm . " Ouch ! " " I 'm fine " I said still holding my left arm in pain . " What if he comes again guys ? I 'm scared . " I said looking at both David and Bob hoping for an answer . " Here let me help " bob helped me carry my backpack and helped me down the stairs and just before we reached the front door , I stopped bob . " Bill has this thing about stalking people he might be out there somewhere waiting for us to drive out … " I said pausing " Great ! How did you get together with this guy anyway ? " He dialled a number and spoke to one of his friends then hung up . " We are going to wait for my boys to come over okay . " he took a chair from the dining table downstairs and told me to sit . " You are going to be in the same car as the boys ok Lyn . I will drive by myself with your stuff and we are going to meet up somewhere and change cars okay . " He 's nowhere to be seen Lyn let 's go " Bob unlocked his car and helped me in . He quickly drove off making sure I stayed down as low as I could so no one could see me in the car . I felt like I was a captive running for my life . We arrived at his house pretty quickly . " stay in the car till I ask you to come out okay " I just nodded and kept laying low while he parked his car and opened the door to his house . He grabbed my bags out of his car and placed it inside . I recieved a text and read it . " Stay in the car . I saw his car drive by I am just going to close the gate and door for a while . Will be back to get you okay . " I held my breath and kept laying as low as I could closing my eyes and trying to keep myself calm . I don 't want my asthma to ruin everything . I heard a car pull over in front of Bob 's house . He opened the door and opened the gate to let his friends in . I read the text from Bob and did as I was told . I didn 't bother to look left right or behind when the boys came by and opened the door . I got out quickly and followed them into the house . I sat down on the sofa and looked around . I heard Bob 's Sisters coming down the stairs as Bob walked into the house . " Thanks Guys " he said thanking his friends for the help " u okay girl ? " he walked over to sit next to me " I just nodded . " hey bobby we going out with mom tonight she 's meeting us out for dinner we will pack u both something to eat k . " They didn 't look surprised to see me there . " you must be Lyn " She put her hand out for a handshake I took her hand " I 'm Betty and she is Brenda just make yourself at home " she headed out toward the door " hurry up Brenda ! " I smiled at Bob " Bobby ? " and giggled " that is so cute " I pinched him on the cheeks and saw him blush . His friends started laughing . " ok Bob we better get going now " his friends headed out the door too and soon we were left alone in the house . My left arm was still hurting and I lifted my arm to check the bandages . " wow ! Your arm Lyn , it 's bleeding ! " he hurried over and checked my arm . " we have to change the bandages Lyn " he said pausing to get my bag . " Here … " he handed me tha bag " the guest room is straight to the right from the kitchen " I walked into the guest room and locked the door behind me . After cleaning my cuts I had trouble putting the new bandages on I need your help after all bob I said to myself as I walked out the door . Bob was watching TV . He looked at me with a worried look on his face . " has he done this to you before ? " He stood up to put the scissors back in the kitchen cabinet . " what did you see in him ? he nearly killed you ! " " you hungry ? What 's taking the girls so long ? " I heard Bob sigh as he started dialling numbers on his phone " Mom I 'm starving and Lyn is here " he said pausing and listening to his mom talk . " aaawww man . When u guys coming back ? That 's not fair ! " He walked into the kitchen and then came out with some vegetables a knife and cutting board . " okay mom c u guys " He hung up and put his phone on the table sighing . He looked at the vegies on the table then looked at me . " you know what ? I have no idea what to cook " He sat down at the dining table " i 'm going out to get some food " He packed the vegies and took his car keys heading for the door . " Go inside the room Lock the door and Wait till I get back . He switched off the TV , lights and fan closing the door behind him . I was left alone in the dark . I headed to the guest room and closed the door . I didn 't bother turning on the lights or the fan in the room . I was freezing anyway . Sam : Hi Lyn I dropped by at the hostel and your boss said you went back to your parents . Hope you already took your meds . Take care … Jane : Babe ? long time no hear . I just got back from outsation . Has Gary boy called yet ? Dropping by the cafe later on with Tim . cya Bill : Where are you ? I know that Guy is helping you hide from me Lyn ! Let 's just see how long you can hide from me … cu around princess muuahhx " Lyn ! ! open the damn door ! ! ! I know you 're inside ! " I was awakened by the sound of Bill 's voice Knocking on the front door . He laughed and then continued knocking " No one 's going to help you today Lyn … hahahaha " I felt my heart skip a beat . The banging on the door got louder and harder and eventually I heard the door break open . I stood up and tried to walk over to the guest room door to lock it but I was too tired . I couldn 't force myself . It was too late Bill already found me . He was standing in the middle of the doorway . " hahahahaha " I saw him smiling at me with the evil grin on his face " no one 's going to help you today Lyn " he started to walk toward me and put his hands around my neck choking me really hard . I tried to fight him but I wasn 't able to move I was too weak . " No one is going to help you today Lyn ! " He started shaking me really hard . Crazy thoughts ran through my mind " am i going to die today ? " I opened my eyes and the room was no longer dark . I quickly got up and tried running out the door . Bob grabbed my arms and pulled me back . " it 's me Lyn ! Look at me ! " I cried and hugged him without thinking . " He was here … " I said sobbing " He tried to Kill me Bob . " " It 's okay Lyn u were just dreaming " he tried comforting me hugging me really tight " He was never here . Trust me okay " He rubbed his hands up and down my back . I was still breathing hard and it was really hard to breathe . I pulled away from Bob and sat myself on the bed . " I 'm freezing … " I paused catching my breath " I can 't breathe properly Bob " I put my head between my knees breathing out really long breaths and breathing in short breaths . It took longer than expected but I managed to gain control of my breathing again . My heart was still thumping so hard . Bob had just gone upstairs to get some blankets and was walking into the room . " here some blankets to keep you warm . You want anything to eat ? " I was going to say no but remembering that I have to take my meds I just nodded and tried getting up to go to the dining table . " whoa … " I felt my knees buckle and Bob caught me just in time before I hit the floor . " steady there Lyn " My head was throbbing and I was feeling dizzy " U okay girl ? " Bob was looking at me , he helped me sit on the bed as he placed pillows behind me so i can lean back . " You feel warm " he said walking out of the room coming back with some food and a glass of water . I had already wrapped myself in the blankets he got earlier . May 20 , 2017The not so Romeo & Juliet Storyadventures , amazing things that happen , cheating men and women , HELP , hidupku , liars die , life oh life , life storyLyn I got up hearing the sound of knocking on my door . " coming ! " I said trying to get up putting my sweater on . I was freezing . I checked the time on my phone and it was already lunch time . I opened the door to see David there . " Holy Dumbells ! What happened to you ? " He said in shock walking into the room to sit on my bed . I just walked over to sit next to him . " Just an accident last night . Everyone left me behind so I had to walk back alone " I paused fiddling with my phone . " what 's up ? Anything you want me to do ? " He got up from the bed and walked towards the door . " Yeah actually I just came up to check if you already made up your mind about the promotion . " He winked and started to walk out " Tell me once you get better okay . How many days you gonna take MC ? " There were a few missed calls on my phone from Bill , Sam , Bob and Jane . I didn 't bother to call back because I really felt tired and needed to get some more sleep . I slumped myself back on the bed and stared at the ceiling . Then the call I was waiting for . Grace finally called me " Hey sorry about the chaos I created " She said when I answered the call . " you should be . Dad is furious he is threatening to leave us ! " I said trying to keep myself calm . " Everyone thought I helped you run away from home . What got into you ? " I added sitting up so I could talk better . " Can we talk later ? I 'll text you my address later and we can meet up okay ? " She hung up the call and I knew if I called her she wouldn 't answer so I just put my phone back on the bed and stared at the ceiling again . I guess staring at the ceiling was my favorite thing to do now that I have so many things to think about nowadays . I forgot that I had promised Sam to meet up today and my phone was ringing again . " Sam something happened last night and I don 't think I can go out . Kinda injured can you come up to my room ? " I said sighing . He hung up the call and soon I heard a knock on the door . I took a deep breath before opening the door expecting the same reaction that I got from David just then . " My goodness ! " He said in shock " Are you okay ? " He grabbed a chair from behind my door and sat down . I walked over to my bed and sat down too . I nodded and sighed " Long story " I paused for a few seconds " I jumped out of someone 's car last night . Don 't ask me anything yet okay I don 't feel like talking about it . I am so sore right now Sam " Sam still had the shocked look on his face . " You really jumped out of a moving car ? That 's like stunt man thing girl ! You are lucky you 're still alive . " he said sighing . " you had anything to eat yet ? I can go buy you some food and we can just hang out here for the rest of the afternoon . " I just nodded and told him he could get me anything and it was fine . He left and was back again really quickly . " you taken your meds yet Lyn ? " He said handing me the packed food . I shook my head puting the food on the make up table just in front of me . " No that 's fine Lyn we can eat out of the packaging " he said stopping me " you need to get some rest okay ? " i shrugged and sat back down on the bed and handed him the plastic bag with the 2 packages inside . He handed me one and we started eating straight away . I didn 't feel like eating and as usual I would just play around with the food with the chopstick . He noticed I was doing that " Here open up I know you don 't want to eat but you have to " I pushed the spoon away and put some food in my mouth . I didn 't want anyone else to spoonfeed me other than Gary . " My ex did it Sam . He said he was going to send me home last night coz everyone left me behind at the cafe . " I said pausing and looking at Sam who was still waiting for me to explain more on what happened last night . " He was pissed off because I didn 't notice he was at the cafe so he was just driving off and I didn 't know where he was taking me , so I jumped out of the car " I stopped talking and waited for his response . I didn 't bother answering I was too tired . I just sighed and looked down on the floor . " sorry i don 't feel like talking about that Sam " I said fiddling with my phone . I wish Gary would call me so I could tell him everything . I sighed and looked over at Sam who was also fiddling with his phone . " Hey take your meds where did you put them ? " Sam asked me suddenly after putting his phone into his pocket . I pointed to the bag behind him . He grabbed the bag and handed it to me . I took the bottles out of the bag one by one and checked the labels following the instructions on each label . " you are like a baby you know that Lyn ? " He sd laughing . " I am going to make sure you take your meds from now on till you are better okay . I 'll call you if I have to . " His phone suddenly rang and I knew he was talking to Ryan because whenever Ryan called they would call each other this name that I don 't even know how to pronounce . Sam told Ryan what happened and Ryan said he wanted to meet up somewhere later on . I heard him say 5pm then hung up the call . " I have to get going Lyn " he said placing his phone back into his pocket . " what 's your ex 's name anyway ? " he said standing up and putting the chair back behind the door . " And what car does he drive ? " " Okay got to go Lyn will call you later okay . see ya " he waved and was off . I watched him drive off and decided to take a nap . Before I could doze of my phone rang again . It was Bob . " Hey how you doing ? taken your meds yet " I couldn 't help but laugh when he said that . " What 's so funny girl ? " He said confused why i was laughing . " Sorry , I have been hearing the same thing for like nearly 2 hours when everyone calls me … " I said to him gigling " yeah I 'm fine bob and yes i have taken my meds . Where are you ? " " I 'm downstairs got you something to eat here coming up in a second " I looked out my window and there he was . I just ate something with Sam and now Bob is here with more food . I opened my door before he got upstairs and he came in with a big smile on his face . " so how r u feeling today ? " He put the food on the table and the packaging from Sam 's food was still on the table . " looks like you got visitors before me there haha " He said opening up the food . " luckily i got us snacks instead of lunch hey " " na ah ! " I shook my head and took it off his hands . " I 'll do that later Dr . Bob " I said giggling putting the bandage under my pillow . He smiled at me and started to munch on the snacks he bought . " want some ? " he handed me the box . I took the banana fritter and started eating it . " Guess what Bob ? " I said chewing on the banana fritter " My sister finally called me " I sighed and swallowed whatever was left in my mouth . " She is going to text me her address and hopefully I can meet her by tonight " Bob smiled and pinched my nose " You are one bubbly person you know that Lyn . It 's so fun just hanging out with you " He placed the box back on the table and handed me a drink he bought . We were interrupted by the noise of horning downstairs . we both looked at each other . " It 's him " I recocginzed the sound of that horn it was from Bill 's Car I was just about to look out my window when Bob stopped me . " let me go down to take a look , please lock your door . If anything happens don 't ever come down okay " He walked out and closed the door behind him . I heard him talking with Zack , Harry and Rico , they were heading off to work already . I looked at the time and it was 3pm . There were missed calls from Bill . I had blocked his number so I didn 't get notifications if he called in . My heart started to beat faster as I heard Bill scream out my name . " Lyn I know you are up there ! " he kept pressing his horn . " She 's not here Boss . " I heard Harry 's voice " She didn 't come home since yesterday . You want to pass a message ? " I heard Bill turn off his engine getting out of the car . OMG please don 't go up here . I was praying really hard he wouldn 't go up to the room . Bob please do something . I quickly hid in the corner beside my bed where there was just enough space for me to fit in . My heart was beating so hard I couldn 't hear anything but my heart . I heard another car pull over in the driveway . " please let that be david " i said to myself . " Hey what 's going on here " I gave a sigh of relief hearing David 's voice and I know if Bill was alone with more than 2 guys around he wasn 't brave enough to do anything stupid . " Anything I can help you with there bro " He said to Bill " you are Lyn 's Boyfriend right ? She 's not here she didn 't come home . I 'll tell her you dropped by okay . " I heard Bill get in the car and drive off . Zack Harry and David were talking downstairs and I heard Bob 's voice as well . He told David what happened last night and always to keep an eye on me just in case Bill came and caused any trouble at the cafe . I felt my breaths get shorter and it was harder for me to breathe . Soon the boys were knocking on my door . Gosh I locked the door ! I tried getting up but It was so hard to get up . I wasn 't able to breathe properly and I just couldn 't move anymore . I felt myself black out and the last thing I heard were the guys calling in for me to open the door . May 19 , 2017The not so Romeo & Juliet Storyadventures , amazing things that happen , cheating men and women , HELP , hidupku , liars die , life oh life , life storyLyn " you okay ? " Sam 's voice was clear on the other line and he sounded sleepy . " I just arrived home and getting into the house . What 's up ? " I didn 't expect him to call me back so fast . " Let 's just text okay " I said not in the mood to talk . I was fiddling with the bed sheet and the corner of my pillow . Sam picked me up from the hostel just after lunch to go look for Grace and we met up with some of her friends there and asked her to text or call me urgently . Sam had reserved a place so we could have lunch together and we spent the rest of the afternoon together just hanging out . He sent me to work and then was off to meet Ryan and his boys . It was a busy day and we were packing for the day and my phone started ringing . It was from an unknown overseas number . " omg Gary ! " I quickly answered the call and it was Gary . " Babe ! how are you ? I 'm going crazy over here without you ! " His voice was so clear and I felt so relieved to hear that voice again . I sat myself down at one of the benches nearby the bar at the cafe . " I don 't think I am able to come back that quick babe . So much to do " I heard him sigh . " I miss you Gary BOy " I said my eyes started to fill up with tears . I was crying and I couldn 't talk . " come back here , I need you " We didn 't talk for long it was 6am there and he had to get to work . He promised to call me back soon . I got up and walked over to where the staff were gathered but they were no longer there . There was a text from Berry and they had already gone ahead without me . Great ! now I had to walk home by myself . Jane , Tim and John hadn 't come by to the Cafe for some time now , have they forgotten about me ? I quickly walked toward the main road hoping I could catch up with the guys . I was shocked to see Bill 's Car parked right in front of the Gate . He was waiting for me . He flashed his lights signalling for me to get in the car . I walked over to the driver 's side and signalled for him to wind the windows down . " I was at the cafe the whole night Lyn , you didn 't notice me ? " His face was serious and he didn 't smile at all . It was really busy and I didn 't even see him the whole night . " who were you talking too on the phone just then huh ? your new boyfriend ? " I was getting annoyed but I tried to keep calm to make sure he would send me back to the hostel and not take me somewhere else . Bill had a temper problem and he would just yell scream hit me if he didn 't like what I said or did . " It was busy Bill , I think you did see me running around like crazy taking orders right ? " I said trying to explain the reason why I didn 't notice he was even there . " And I was talking with Gary boy on the phone , my best friend . I thought I told you about him already . " He didn 't say a word and drove faster . I didn 't like this and started to text Bob . He lived nearby and I didn 't want to disturb Sam at this hour . " Hey , my ex just picked me up from work sd he 's gonna send me back to the hostel but his temper is coming and I might need ur help . Will update you if i need help okay . Don 't call me . " I pressed the send button and took a deep breath . " I thought you 're sending me home Bill ? " I said looking over at him after he missed the junction to the hostel . Still no answer I was really getting restless now . I didn 't care I was getting out of this car no matter what happened . " Bill stop the car or I will jump out I don 't give a damn okay ! " I screamed at him . Still no answer he just kept driving on toward town . He had locked the car from his side but I still could unlock it from my side of the car . I tried my luck again . " STOP THE CAR BILL ! I ' M GOING TO CALL THE COPS ! STOP THE DAMN CAR ! ! ! " I was screaming at the top of my lungs and I was terrified . His dad was a cop and I knew he wasn 't scared . I dialled the first number I could remember . It was Bob 's number he answered the call after 2 rings . " HELP ! ! ! " that was the only thing I managed to say before Bill grabbed the phone off my hands . " No one is gonna help you today Lyn ! " He kept driving on . I didn 't care and I decided I had to take things into my own hands . I pulled hard at the lock and tried to open the door . If I was going to die today it would be better than being in the same car as Bill ! A ghust of wind blew in as I opened the door grabbed my bag and my phone which was on the floor . I took a deep breath and jumped out of the moving car . It was dark and I landed with a thump on the sidewalk and it was odd because there were no cars driving behind Bill 's Car . I had rolled a few times before I could regain control of myself . My head and arms were hurting and I don 't know how I got up but I ran in the opposite direction as fast as I could . I heard Bill 's brakes screech as I ran down the road . I know he couldn 't drive against traffic so I just kept running as fast as I could . I checked my phone and it was still on line with Bob . " Bob help ! ! ! " I was talking and running at the same time . " I have no idea where I am everything is dark . I just jumped out of his car . He just wont stop driving . " I said pausing to look back just in case Bill was crazy enough to drive against traffic " OMG Bob he is coming after me " I said panting really hard now . I crossed the road to the other side so he couldn 't run over me . I was crying and I didn 't recognize anything to find out where I was . " BOB ! ! " I screamed and kept running . then something caught my eye . I read out the first sign board I could see and Bob asked me to find somewhere to hide while he gets there . I couldn 't find anywere to hide so I hid behind a flower bush at the sidewalk right behind the bus stop . My heart thumping so hard it felt like it was going to jump out of my mouth . My arms and my head were hurting and I was feeling dizy . Bob was still on the line . " I 'm nearly there girl just hang in there okay . " I was blacking out and I don 't know if I could hold it any longer . I can hear Bill 's voice calling out and soon I heard his car drive off . " He 's gone … " I said to bob who was still on the line I sighed and felt myself black out . I got up to the vibrating and ringing of my phone . It was Bob . Before I could answer , the call ended and I heard footsteps coming . I held my breath and didn 't move . " Lyn ? " It was Bob 's voice . " Girl it 's me . Where are you ? " I tried to get up but my body was aching too bad to move . " I 'm here " I said as loudly as I can waving my arm in the air hoping he could see me . " Behind the bus stop " I added trying to get up again but it was still no use . " O my God ! " I heard Bob gasp in shock as he walked toward me . " Are you okay ? " I felt my breaths getting shorter I couldn 't talk . I just shook my head and covered my face with my hands . " let 's take you to the nearest Clinic okay " He said helping me up . I couldn 't even get up he had to carry me into the car . " How did you even get in the car with that idiot in the first place Lyn ? " Bob was furious with what happened . " You should have known better . " I didn 't bother answering him because I knew I shouldn 't have went with him in the first place . My whole body was hurting and I had bandages all over my arms and knees and my head . The doctor rubbed on my cuts so hard cleaning it just then to avoid infection . My asthma was just starting and I had to use that breathing technic again to feel better . I was so tired I couldn 't focus on what Bob was actually saying . I held my head between my knees bending over . We were in the car heading back to the hostel . " Can we not go back to the hostel yet Bob ? " I didn 't know what to do next . " no I feel like I got run over by a truck Bob . " I took a deep breath and closed my eyes leaning back on the seat . " Sorry for troubling you and thanks for helping . " I dug into my bag to get some cash and handed it to Bob . " I need to get something to eat " I said grinning at him . " starving … after that then we go home okay ? " He nodded and drove off to the nearest opened stall to pack some food . I waited for him in the car while he packed the burger i asked for . Suddenly I caught a glimpse of Bill 's Car drive past and park just ahead of Bob 's Car . I slid myself down so he couldn 't see me and quickly sent a text to Bob . I saw Bob turn toward me after reading the text and looked around to look for Bill 's Car . Once the burger was done he quickly walked over and got in the car . " He went over to join his friends at the table over there girl , don 't worry he didn 't see me . " He passed the plastic bag with the burger inside and drove off pushing my head down lower so no one could see me in his car . He drove the car to the 2nd beach and we parked there for a while . " Oh My Gosh Bob " I said sighing with relief " How is it we are always at the same place at the same time ? " I said opening the burger to take a bite . I wasn 't able to open the burger package my hands were hurting . " Gosh I hate it when this happens " I pushed the plastic bag back down and leaned back on the seat sighing and looking out the window . Bob grabbed the plastic bag and opened the burger for me . " There " Bob handed me the burger " eat up tell me if you need help okay ? " I started eating and then asked if he had a bottle of water in the car for me to drink . After that he sent me back to the Hostel and helped me all the way up to the room so I could rest . First of all Adrian and Amsyar caught the fever and when I sent them over to the babysitter on Monday I didn 't expect them to be sick because they weren 't acting like they were sick and they were totally fine . Monday evening I got a text from the babysitter saying that both were having a fever and she didn 't want to look after them when they are sick . She was giving a whole lot of excuses so she didn 't need to look after them . She asked me to pick them up the next day after work . I was too tired to argue with her so I just said okay . My sister was working the morning shift so I had to ask help from someone else . when we got there Adrian was awake by himself in front of the TV and the babysitter ? She was sleeping . That was just great ! If you found your kid in that situation what would you have thought ? I really was happy to take them back and look after both by myself not minding to take off for the next few days for my beloved babies . I was not going to leave my kids like that NO WAY ! so there I was asking someone else for help to get my kids and really I hate troubling other people . I needed to get my kids to the clinic A . S . A . P . I had to wait till my sister got back from work to take Adrian to the clinic . amsyar 's fever had gone down but Adrian just got worse . I called the office to inform that I couldn 't come if for work and left for the clinic . After that we just went home had dinner and that was it for that day . My mom arrived the next day and i didn 't get to go with my sister to get her at the airport because the kids were at home . Adrian got better so I went to work on the 10th but on the 11th I had just come in to work for like an hour and I had to go home because Adrian 's temperature had gone up again so there I was again going home off work . The next day I got a message from my Team Leader and she told me that I could take another day off to look after the kids . I was really grateful for that . The weekends came around and the kids got a bit better and then we sent them to the babysitter again on monday . May 17 , 2017The not so Romeo & Juliet Storyadventures , amazing things that happen , cheating men and women , hidupku , liars die , life oh life , life storyLyn " Goal ! ! ! " I stood up in delight and clapped as Chelsea scored another goal . I turned around and Sam was also up he looked at me and we gave each other a high 5 . " Sorry I am like this when I watch a match , even when I am alone . " I grinned and looked around us . The majority of the people at the restaurant were all Man U fans . " oopsss . " I said covering my mouth with my hand , shrugged and sat back down on my seat . I took a sip from my drink and sat down as we continued to watch the match which was in the last half . My phone rang and it was Bob on the line . " Hey girl you free next week my boys and I were thinking of going over to the bar and doing a birthday party for my friend here . Hope you can join us " I marked the date in my important dates on my phone and told Bob that I would text him for any updates . " just a customer at the bar , he wants to book the place for his friend 's birthday next week . I have check the dates so need to give him a call back later to update . " I smiled and kept watching the game when my phone rang again and this time it was my dad . " uh oh " my heart skipped a beat . " what now ? " I didn 't know whether to answer or not . I haven 't found Grace yet and I was scared . I looked over to Sam and he gave me a shrug . " Just answer it . what 's wrong ? " He stood up and went toward the counter i guess to buy cigarrettes . I quickly answered the call . " yes dad , what 's up ? " I wasn 't expecting a good answer and the question that I dreaded suddenly came around . " hey lyn , everything is up except your sister . Have you found her yet . I am getting sick of waiting you know ? " I bit my lip and kept quiet waiting for what he was going to say next . " Why are you quiet ? I know you haven 't even started looking yet . Just mark my words young lady . If you don 't find your sister soon you wont be seing your dad anymore and you have to take my place in looking after your mom , aunt and siblings if i leave okay . " He hung up the call and again I was left looking at the phone in dismay . i felt my eyes swell up with tears . I tried to hold the tears back and lit up a cigarette trying to focus on the game . I saw Ryan looking at me from across the table . I felt him kick my leg and asked me what 's wrong . I just shook my head and continued smoking . I didn 't realise Sam was watching me the whole time . " What happened ? who was that ? " Sam 's question was what i didn 't want to answer . I suddenly felt like crying and I needed to get out of there before they saw the other side of me " sorry guys i have to go . " I stood up and walked toward the nearest bus stop . Before I could reach the bus stop I felt someone pull my arm back . " hey Girl , what 's wrong , you don 't just walk away on people like that okay ? " I was already crying and I didn 't feel like talking so I looked down and just sat myself down at the sidewalk like I always did when I didn 't know what to do . I felt Sam sit down beside me . " You want to tell me about it ? " he said pushing my shoulder with his . " you want to go somewhere else I can go and get the car and we can get out of here okay . " I just nodded I saw him get up and walk off and after a minute I saw his car driving up in front of me . I stood up and went into his car . I looked out the window on my side of the car and focused on the view outside trying to avoid any conversation with Sam . He drove on toward the beach and stopped at the parking lot where Gary always took me . He handed me his cigarrette box and a lighter . I immediately took one stick and lit it looking out toward the beach . " I know what 's going on . " I heard Sam talk after a few minutes of silence . " I can help you look for her you know . " I was shocked . How did he know ? I looked at him in shock and sat up . " don 't ask me how i know okay , i just know . " He smiled and lit his cigarette . I don 't know why but Sam was a guy you can get attracted to quite quickly and yeah I was actually getting attracted to him . I was trying to avoid though because I still had Gary on my mind . " you want to tell me about it Lyn ? " I was getting uncomfortable but since no one was around I thought I could start by telling him what happened just then . I told him what my dad told me and I needed to find my sister as soon as possible . " why don 't we start tomorrow ? " he said suddenly . " Just go to where she works and ask her friends to tell her to call you . she knows your number right ? " I never thought of that . I was actually smiling now and I was feeling better . I sighed as I leaned myself back on the seat and threw my cigarette out the window . " Anyway " I paused , I really wanted to know how he found out my sister ran away from home . " How did you know about my sister Sam ? " I asked him looking him right in the eye . He was fiddling with his phone . He looked up at me and smiled giving me a shrug . " I could see it in your eyes I guess . " He said giggling . " your face shows a whole lot of emotions even if you don 't talk you know . " He added smiling at me . " no Sam , seriously " I was not buying that answer " How did you know ? do you know people I know ? " I was getting more confused every minute . " OMG ! really ? " I covered my face in embarrassment and laughed . " sorry I didn 't mean to drag you into my mess okay Sam . I never thought I would talk about that stuff when I 'm drunk . " I looked down fiddling with my hands and I really was getting restless when suddenly I felt Sam pull my chin up to look at him . " hey chin up okay ? we will find your sister " he smiled at me and patted me on the head " you don 't need to be embarrassed about anything okay and stop blushing " he said laughing . OMG he was really making me blush like heck and I couldn 't help but laugh and looked away from him scared he would see me blush even more . I checked the time on my Phone and it was already 1am and I was getting hungry . " i 'm kinda hungry Sam can we go get something to eat " I said as I put the phone back into my pocket . Before he could answer his phone rang . " she 's fine okay she 's with me and we are heading to Cafe Rio to get something to eat you wanna join ? " It was Ryan he was updating us on who won the match and asking Sam about me . " that was ryan being a worry wart " he said hanging up the call . " he worries about everyone except himself " he started to drive off to Cafe rio and surely there was ryan waiting for us already starting to eat what he ordered . He waved at us with a smile as he continued eating . The roads were busy tonight and yeah as usual Sam held my hand while we crossed the road . I hit him on the shoulder " I am not a kid anymore okay i can cross the road without you holding my hand . " He laughed as he walked toward Ryan and sat himself next to Ryan calling the waiter over for the menu . I didn 't know what to order so I asked Ryan and Sam to order for me . " let 's just order something for the both of us okay " Sam said looking through the menu and pointed to something i never had before . I just nodded and waited for the order to come . " Lyn please don 't walk away from us like that next time . You had me worried just then " Ryan was talking with his mouthful as he chewed on his food and took a sip from his drink . He swallowed his food and started talking again " You know there are no buses at this hour right ? " I didn 't realize that until today because my friends used to look after me like I was a baby and if I ran off they would always come after me and made sure I was Okay . I was laughing at him because he was talking and chewing at the same time . " I am serious okay Lyn don 't ever do that again . " he said pointing his finger at me . Sam was just laughing beside him and shaking his head . " Okay Ryan I wont do that again " I said smiling pushing his pointer away . The food and drinks arrived shortly after that and after we ate Sam asked me if I needed anything else before we went back . Nobody asked me that before , except for Gary that is . I just shook my head and said I was good . We headed home that night and Sam said he was going to pick me up tomorrow afternoon to look for Grace at her workplace . At least now I know that someone was going to help me find Grace . I stared at the ceiling in my room at the hostel with the freddy knife in my hand just looking at it and pushing the blade in and out . The urge to cut myself was so strong that I threw the knife toward the wall and pulled the covers over my head . Gary 's voice suddenly came back into my mind " Don 't you dare think about it Lyn ! put that knife away babe ! " Tears started rolling down my face . " When are you going to call me Gary boy ? I really miss you " I missed everything about him his smile , his laugh , his voice , his hugs and his jokes . I was going crazy just thinking about him . I wonder what he is doing right now ? I reached out for my phone and without thinking I texted sam . Text Widget This is a text widget , which allows you to add text or HTML to your sidebar . You can use them to display text , links , images , HTML , or a combination of these . Edit them in the Widget section of the Customizer .

Jake Morgan looked up from the TV when he heard the sound of the front door opening . A big smile spread across his face , and he switched the TV to mute with the remote control . He leant his neck back so that he could see the hallway through the open door . There was no answer . Jake just smiled more . His girlfriend was up to something , or else she would have replied . He listened as she pottered about in the kitchen . He closed his eyes , imagining her emptying the shopping bags and putting things away . In his mind he could see her reaching up , her top racing up her back to reveal a tantalizing glimpse of the tattoo that she had on her lower spine . He sighed . He was a very lucky man . Jake opened his eyes . Fay was standing before him , having managed to enter the room without his noticing . Despite having been at work all day she looked radiant , unlike most days when she usually looked very drawn . As usual she had her long fair hair pulled back in a ponytail , and she was wearing her woolly jumper and faded black jeans , her pink socks poking through . ' Yeah . ' Suddenly Fay looked a little embarrassed . She placed one hand in her jeans ' pocket and looked at the silent TV . ' You know it 's a leap year ? ' She turned back to him and he nodded in reply . ' Well , do you know what that means ? ' ' It means I get to do this . ' She removed her hand from her pocket and lowered herself to one knee . It was only then that Jake noticed that she was holding a little box , just big enough for . . . She opened the box and took out a ring , then placed the box on the floor and took Jake 's hand . She looked up at Jake , looking him directly in the eyes . ' Will you marry me ? ' ' Yeah , it 's tradition . The woman proposes on a leap year , the man refuses and then he has to buy her a silk dress to make up for it . I wanted a lovely silk dress . ' It was only then that Fay smiled , her eyes glinting . Jake laughed and hugged her . ' You nutter , ' he said , and helped her put the ring on his finger ; he then reached forward and kissed her . ' You 'll have the best silk dress ever , ' he promised . Jake Morgan crossed the road , feeling more buoyant than ever before , quite intent to cut through the back streets , when he noticed a most unusual sight . Standing next to the phone box outside the petrol station was an object he had only ever seen outside Earl 's Court tube station , and that was miles away . It was a blue box , just a fraction taller than the phone box . Above the doors , one of which was open , were the words Police Public Call Box . Jake had no idea what such a box was for , really , and he certainly had no idea why there would be one here . But he did know that it had not been here the previous night when he had popped over to the garage for some cola . His natural curiosity taking over , he walked over to the Police Box to take a peek inside . The doors on the one in Earl 's Court were always locked , and he often wondered what was kept inside that particular box , so this was an opportunity for an answer . And he was never one to miss an opportunity . As he drew nearer to look inside he heard a voice from within . It was a man 's voice , sounding old and drawn . Jake stopped , caution superseding his curiosity . There was a bang and a flash of light . Jake 's hands instinctively rose to cover his eyes , but they could not protect him from the jet of cold air that shot out of the Police Box . Blasted back , he hit the ground with a crack as his spine collided with the stone paving slabs . Despite the pain that was coursing through his body , part of Jake 's mind could still make out a younger male voice coming from nearby . Jake lay there for a moment , while the pain subsided to a manageable level . He flexed his fingers and placed his palms on the ground . Slowly he pushed down , attempting to lift his back and expecting much pain for his troubles . He was surprised by the lack of feeling , pain or otherwise , and got to his feet very slowly , just in case . He looked up and stepped back in surprise . There was a man standing in the doorway of the Police Box , looking at him uncertainly . Jake narrowed his eyes at the man 's choice of clothing . Despite the frilly shirt , the way he dressed gave the man an elegant air , enhanced by the fine mane of white hair on top of his lined face . Jake smiled . ' I 'm fine , mate , probably end up with a sore … ' No sooner had Jake started speaking than the man ran a hand through his hair and stepped back inside the Police Box . ' Oh , well don 't mind me , ' Jake muttered , annoyed by the man 's reaction . The longer he stood there , the more his annoyance festered . Stupid old goat , Jake thought , you don 't just get away with that , paly ! He had as much right to being respected as anyone else did . ' Right , ' he said and marched over to the Police Box , but before he could step foot inside and have his say , the door slammed shut . ' Hey ! ' He shouted and went to slam a fist on the door . His hand passed right through the surface and a strange sound filled the air around him . He stood back , stunned , and looked around . It was as if the wind was angry about something , no longer simply whistling , but yelling at some unknown assailant . The sound died down and Jake returned his attention to the blue box , only to find that it was no longer there . ' Bloody hell . ' He stretched his arms out before him , half expecting to feel the solid mass against his palms , but there was nothing . ' That 's a bloody good trick , ' he said , unsure whether he had imagined the whole episode or not . He reached into his pocket , pulled out his key and moved to insert it into the lock . His hand continued into the door and out of the other side . Jake pulled back quickly , only to see that there was no key in his hand after all . He glanced down at his trousers and noticed the shape of the key still inside his tight pocket . ' Fay ! ' he called out , but no reply was forthcoming . All he could hear was the soft sounds of music drifting in from the living room . He was about to go into that room when he remembered his shoes . Both Fay and he had agreed at the beginning that shoes were not to be worn in doors . With a beige carpet it was a sensible precaution . He knelt down to remove his shoes only to discover that he could not get a grip on them . As with the door his hand passed through his shoe and his foot , into the floor below . His lifted his hand out of the floor and stood back up , his heart rate increasing . He took a tentative step onto the carpet then raised his foot . Where there should have been a muddy shoeprint there was nothing . He inspected the sole of his shoe , and was unsurprised to discover that there was no mud there , despite the stormy weather outside and the fact that he had cut across the grass to get home . As if to find further proof of his ever growing suspicions Jake shook his head and looked at the walls on either side of him . Nothing . Not a single splash mark from his wet hair . He rushed down the hallway to the mirror on the far wall . Was his hair even wet ? His clothes did not appear to be . The sight that greeted him gave him cause for a sharp intake of breath . Despite his fears he could see himself in the mirror , but only just . What he saw was a shadow of himself . He still looked like him , but he could see the hallway through him . He ran his hand through his blond hair and his reflection mimicked the action . No contact was made , and he watched with a strange mixture of horror and amazement as his hand went below his hair and into his skull . He twiddled his fingers and was relieved to discover that he could not feel the insides of his head . It was a small relief . He thought back to his trip into town , and how Robert had ignored him . At the time Jake just assumed that his best mate was in a huff about something , maybe simply stressed out because of the long hours he was working , but now , looking at himself in the mirror , Jake was beginning to suspect otherwise . Could it be that Robert had not seen Jake because he was . . . For a moment he closed his eyes . When he opened them again he almost jumped in shock . Fay stood before the mirror . She was brushing her hair , whistling along with the tune playing in the living room . Seeing her eyes smile , Jake 's heart melted as the love he felt for her overtook his reasoning . But the deep feeling was soon replaced when he noticed that both of them were occupying the same space . Jake staggered back a few paces . ' Fay . . . ' he began , but could not find any other words to say . Even if he could , would she be able to hear him ? Jake feared not , since his suspicions were slowly turning into fact . He opened his mouth to try again . He had to say something . If anyone would be able to hear him and see him it would be her , he was sure . They had been through so much together in the previous two years , and he had to believe that their love counted for something . As it turned out he did not need to speak for it was then that Fay turned around . Their eyes met . For several seconds they lingered , and Jake stopped breathing . The moment passed and Fay continued into the living room . Jake remained where he was standing , his mind awash with the thought that she had seen him . There had been an unmistakable recognition in her eyes . He followed her into the room and watched as she switched CDs . ' Fay , I know you saw me then . Even if it was just for a second . Come on , babe , look at me again . ' He stood there , thinking , and an idea came to him . He walked up behind fair and leant forward until his mouth was just behind her ear . Slowly , and gently , he blew . Nothing happened . Not a single strand of Fay 's hair moved . She stood up and walked over to the sofa , passing through Jake as she did so . He straightened up and turned to look watch her . Jake was not sure how much time passed while he stood there . She listened to The Chemical Brothers while reading another couple of chapters of Marcel Theroux 's The Confessions of Mycroft Holmes : Paper Chase , and then turned the TV on to watch the news . In all that time not once did she look at Jake . Several times he tried to speak to her , but she gave no sign of hearing him . As the minutes , then the hours , passed by Jake 's heart sunk further and further . He could not help but think that she was ignoring him on purpose , like Robert had been doing . He walked across the room , passing through her line of vision , and stood by the window . Outside the world continued to turn . He stood there for a time , lost in his thoughts . Things would not have seemed so bad if only Fay would acknowledge him , as it was . . . The words drifted into his thoughts . He turned to see Fay on the phone , a look of concern on her face . He moved forward and knelt before her . She looked right through him , but nonetheless Jake reached out a hand to comfort her . For a split second he had forgotten about his condition and was , as a result , taken aback when his hand pass through her leg . Jake pulled away as if stung . ' Come off it , you 're pulling my leg , right ? He 's been gone for four hours , Rob . ' Fay paused while Robert said something . She smiled . ' Yes , we 've got engaged ! And we 've set a date for the wedding . ' Jake sighed . Seeing the smile on Fay 's face was too much . He thought back to the moment they had agreed to get married . After he had promised to buy her a silk dress anyway they had hugged . In that moment he felt like he was one with her , more so than he ever did when they made love . He sighed again . How could the wedding ever happen now ? Jake Morgan stood at the edge of the pavement , waiting for the lights to change . People were shuffling into position behind him . Some of them , the more impatient ones , were barging forward , intent on being the first ones across the road , as if there was some kind of prize for getting there first . He hated the way people in London pushed each other aside , as if no one else existed but them . He took a glance behind him , just in time to notice a very large man shove forward . Jake braced himself , not wanting to be pushed onto the road and as a consequence into the oncoming traffic . Once more he had forgotten his new condition , and was reminded when the large man stepped inside him . Without any further thought Jake crossed the road , elated with the knowledge that nothing could hurt him . Not even the double - decker that was racing towards him . Once he was across the road his mind went back to Fay . Being around her and not being able touch her was too much for him to stand , which was why he was now in the streets of Hammersmith , hoping the distance from Fay would relieve a little of that pain . Darkness had fallen since he had returned home , which provided Jake with the illusion that it was later than it really was , but seeing the clock hanging from a building told him it was only just gone seven . He turned onto King 's Street , and was happy to see that there were few people about . It was a Friday , which meant that soon King 's Street would be bustling with people . Some heading to and from the cinema , others coming out to have a pizza or two . He liked to come here on a weekend evening , it was one of the rare occasions that he felt that Londoners became aware of each other . As it was the few people presently on King 's Street were so caught up in their own lives that they barely had time to notice the people around them . Jake remembered many mornings ' walks to work , feeling like he was invisible . It was all so much worse at the traffic lights he had just passed , crossing from the Broadway shopping centre into King 's Street . How many times had he been standing there waiting for the light to change when people would bump into him , almost knocking him onto the road , just so they could cross the road first ? Too many . Unlike a few moments ago . For the first time since returning home Jake smiled . Part of him knew that he could have some fun with his new status . Being really invisible in a city of people who might as well be invisible could be fun . He could do so much and get away with so many things . He could help himself to whatever he wanted , never having to worry about being caught . He could become Fay 's guardian angel , protecting her from anyone who tried to hurt her . He came to a stop outside of McDonald 's , and watched the people through the windows as they ate their favourite burgers . It had been hours since he had last eaten , yet he did not feel the slightest bit hungry . But then that did not come as much of a surprise . Why would the dead need to eat ? He had to accept that small but important fact . He was dead ; it was the only explanation for what had happened when he visited Robert , and for when he had returned home . As he thought back he realised that only one event could account for his present state of being . The incident at the Police Box . Whatever happened had happened then , and he was sure now that he had not imagined it . That blast of air , that flash of light , somehow it must have killed him . His heart dropped at that thought . In his mind he could see Fay talking to Robert on the phone , smiling as she told him about the wedding . Well , it ain 't gonna happen now , is it ? He took a deep breath as his eyes began to well up with tears . He turned away from McDonald 's and blinked away the tears , and his eyes made contact with another person . The clothes the man wore were like something out of the ' 70s , and in the quiet King 's Street he stuck out like the proverbial sore thumb . The man was standing outside Boots looking directly at Jake . If there was any doubt , the fact that he could see Jake was confirmed when he quickly turned away as soon as Jake noticed him . Jake did not recognise the man , who was a little shorter than Jake and probably around about the same age . Whoever the man was , he was the first person to acknowledge Jake since the old man outside the Police Box . His mind drifted back to that moment , and he remembered that there had been another man 's voice inside the box . It would have been a remarkable coincidence if the man on the other side of the street was not the owner of that voice . ' Oi , pal ! ' Jake called out . The man reacted instinctively . He glanced over at Jake , looking like a child caught doing something naughty , then turned to run . ' Oh no you don 't . ' ' No , wait ! ' Jake called , but by the time he was across the road it was too late . The Police Box had faded from sight . Jake fell to his knees . While he chased that man the possibility that he was not alone had become real , and with it came the hope that maybe he could still marry Fay . If the two men in the Police Box could see him , then maybe they could cure him , too . But along with the disappearance of the Police Box went his hopes . In their place came intense feelings of isolation . Jake Morgan spent another hour sitting on the wet grass in Ravenscourt Park , not that the wetness below him was aproblem . The joy of being dead , he thought bitterly . For a while after the Police Box had gone he had considered wandering around Hammersmith , but he could not stomach the thought of being among so many people yet being so alone . So he decided to take some time out in the park , closed as it was , in the hope that the isolation would not seem so obvious . For the most part it worked . Every now and then he would notice a group of people walking down the street next to the park , laughing and joking as they started their night out . Memories of such nights out with Fay and Robert and his latest fling would rush unwanted into Jake 's mind . Ahead of him , above the arches , the occasional train would rush past , through Ravenscourt Park Station ( closed on the weekends ) and onto Hammersmith . Silhouettes of people in the train could be seen from where Jake sat . All those people together , ignoring each other , not realising the wonderful gift they had . The gift of sharing their lives with other people . In the moments when there were no people and no trains he would consider some deep philosophical thoughts , which was so unlike him . When he was alive he was never a religious man , quite content to be his own boss , and unwilling to consider that there was a plan for his life other than the one he created himself . But now he was dead he found himself thinking about such things . Was there really more to this life ? Considering his current predicament he would hope so . But if that was so then why was he still here , walking the Earth as a ghost ? Jake did not know . He knew very little about ghosts , beyond what he saw in horror films . He refused to accept that for the rest of his time ( eternity ? ) he would have to haunt people . If he was a ghost , Jake rationalised , then what about all the others who died ? Was he really the only ghost in Hammersmith ? He did not think so , after all there must have been loads of people who had died in the area . Muggings that had gone wrong , old folk in their beds , and as for the people who must have died in Charing Cross Hospital . . . This led him to consider something he had once heard . Something about how ghosts were dead spirits who had to make peace with their former lives so they could move on to the next life . Jake did not know the specifics , he did not need to know , but it made sense to him right now , sitting alone in the park . He stood up . There were scores left unsettled in his life . Little known things between himself and Robert , things that Fay had no idea about , things that Robert and Jake never discussed , issues from their childhood that they had never resolved . Up until now Jake had never felt the need to resolve them , after all Robert and him had been friends since nursery and he had always thought they 'd be friends until one of them died . Then there was his father . Jake had not seen him in many years , not since they had moved the old man into the nursing home . They had never really been close , but in hindsight , Jake realised , that was no excuse to not go and visit . ' I hope this works , ' he began , ' cause I feel a little daft saying all this now , all these years on , but I think we both knew we 'd have to discuss it sometime . I know it 's not much of a discussion with only one of us talking , but I kind of hope you can hear me , at least on some level . ' He sat on the floor , in between Robert and the TV , so that , even though Robert was watching the TV , it felt like Jake had Robert 's attention . ' What I want to say is that I 'm sorry . I know we both think it 's something small , but , well , it 's something we 've both held against each other a little . I 'm sure you remember it , even more than I do , since it was you who was rejected . I can see it when you look at me and Fay , that part of you that still wants me . If things had been different maybe you and I could have been an item , but it wasn 't meant to be , was it ? ' Jake laughed . ' Maybe that 's why you keep having these flings . A new fella every other night . Trying to make me jealous ? ' Robert laughed , too , and for a moment Jake thought that his friend was confirming things , then he glanced back at the TV and saw Jack O ' Neill playing golf into the Stargate . This made Jake laugh , too . It was one of their favourite episodes , watched more times than he could count . ' I hope you know that I love you , Rob . Not in a gay way , obviously , ' he added quickly out of instinct , then inwardly kicked himself . It was a comment he often made to Robert , and it always made Robert look uncomfortable . Maybe that was why Jake did it . ' I 'm sorry for that , too . I 'm sorry I rejected you back then , and I 'm sorry for my snide comments . It 's not that I 've been trying to hurt you , but I suppose it must come across like I 'm constantly rejecting you . I 'm not . ' Sniffing back tears , Jake stood up . ' You were my best mate , and we 're gonna be together all the way . Take care of yourself , Robert , and look after Fay for me . ' ' I just wanted to drop by and say I forgive you , Dad . I should have visited you before now , so we could both make our peace . Guess it 's too late for you to try and make your peace with me , but I can at least do my part . You never were a good father , never there when I needed you , too busy with that young tart of a wife . Always had time for her , but never for . . . ' Jake stopped himself , realising how angry he was making himself . He shook his head . ' No , there 's no excuse . Never was . But I forgive you , cause that 's all I can do now . ' He looked closer at his father . ' You don 't look long for this world , either . Guess I 'll be seeing you soon , then . ' He turned to leave , but looked back to say , ' we can sort things out after , we 'll have the rest of time to do so . ' He walked to door and as he was about to pass through it he heard a sharp guttural sound from behind . Jake span around quickly . His dad was convulsing , clutching at the blankets . With a dawning sense of dread Jake realised that his dad was trying to clutch his heart . Jake rushed over to the side of the bed . ' I didn 't mean it ! You 're a fighter , come on ! ' He ran out of the room , and once in the hallway he shouted out . ' Somebody come ! He 's having a heart attack . He 's . . . ' Jake stopped and looked back at the door to his dad 's room . ' He 's dying , ' he finished limply . For ten minutes he stood there , but nothing happened . His dad 's dead body remained inactive , forgotten about . Jake shook his head . ' I really am alone , ' he said . ' Almost time , then ? ' Jake asked the box . ' One more thing , then it 's time . ' He turned to his house and walked up to the door . Jake Morgan found Fay in their bed , but she was not sleeping . She lay there on her side , one arm wrapped around herself , the other holding a tissue up to her nose to prevent it from running , while she tried to hold back her tears . He looked at the clock on the bedside table . It was almost one thirty in the morning . He had left to see Robert almost eight hours earlier , and as far as Fay was concerned he had not come back since . He walked across the room and knelt beside the bed . ' I 'm here , but you just can 't see me . ' He sniffed , unable to stop the aching inside . ' I 'm so very sorry ; I would give anything to hold you , but . . . ' He reached out to touch her hair , and let his hand hover less than an inch above her head . ' We would have been so good together , just you and me against the world . Well , with Robert about , of course . ' He smiled sadly . ' I love you , more than anything in my whole life , but I 've to go now . Be strong . I 'll never forget you . ' Jake stood up and walked to the bedroom door . He stopped there for a moment , eyes closed tightly , his lower lip quivering with emotion . Deep within he felt so hollow , as if his soul had been ripped out . He looked back at Fay , and whispered ; ' Goodbye , babe . I love you . ' Jake Morgan stepped through the front door . He had come to think of the Police Box as his carriage into the next life , wherever it was that ghosts went . Saying goodbye to this life had been the hardest thing he had ever done , and staying around longer would have torn him apart . It was time to go . The pavement was empty , and of the Police Box there was no sign . ' No , ' he said softly , and quickly walked over to the spot where the box had been . He looked around , down the street , from one end to the other . All of a sudden it seemed like the street was never ending . ' I was ready , ' he said . Jake Morgan was his name , but it had been over two weeks since anyone had addressed him by that name or any other . As a ghost destined to roam Hammersmith forever he wondered why he would need a name , after all it was a thing the living used to speak to each other . No one ever spoke to him . They did not even know he was there . From time to time he would keep returning to the nursing home , hoping that his father might turn up . True , they did not see eye to eye on anything , but even his father would be better company than none at all . His father never did turn up . Soon it all became pointless . All the funs things he had thought about doing seemed to hold no interest for him now . What fun was there to be had when you could not touch anything ? In the end he spent all his time at his house , doing his best to stay close to Fay . He had had to sit there and watch her mourn him . For a few days she tried to be hopeful , but as the days passed he could tell her hope was starting to break . Robert came over often to check up on her , as did her parents and brother . One time both Robert and Fay 's brother had visited at the same time . They spent an hour talking to Fay , trying to comfort her , but as soon she had excused herself for the toilet , they had fallen into each other 's arms . Jake was quite shocked , since he had no idea that Fay 's brother was gay , but he was not annoyed like Fay was . She blew up then , shouting at them about how she had lost her fiancée and all they could do was meet up here to snog ! She had promptly thrown them both out . That had been a few days ago , since then Fay had booked time off work . Jake was glad in a way , because to him that meant that he could at least be with her without her work getting in the way . That had not worked out as he had planned . Instead she had used that time to visit some friends living in Scotland , unknowingly leaving Jake all alone . Three days with no one for company left a lot of time for thinking , but after only one day Jake had done more than enough thinking . Two weeks being a ghost with no one to talk to had given him enough time to think of everything he needed to think about . So , for the remaining two days he just sat in the corner of the living room doing nothing at all . He was still sitting there , in complete silence , when he heard a familiar sound . It was a sound he had given up hope of hearing . It was that strange wind sound . He slowly rose to his feet and walked over to the window . Outside , slowly coming into being was the Police Box . He ran outside quicker than he had ever moved before . Moments after the Police Box had become solid the narrow door opened and the man Jake had seen in King 's Street stepped outside . He jumped when he noticed Jake , and poked his head back through the door . The thin young man nodded . ' The Doctor 's a wiz as creating these sorts of gadgets , ' he said , pointing to a small silver device attached to his left ear . The device seemed to go inside the ear , while a small protrusion was pointing out parallel to the man 's eye . ' Helps me see you . He 's jolly clever . ' Jeremy looked crestfallen , but nonetheless did as he was told and entered the Police Box . Once Jeremy was inside , the Doctor turned to look at Jake . He , too , was wearing one of the silver devices . ' I 'm terribly sorry , old chap , ' the Doctor said . Jake had so much to ask , but for now he pointed at the silver device . ' Is that a ghost spotter ? ' The Doctor fingered the device . ' Good grief no , it just enables the wearer to see things that are out of phase with this reality . ' He frowned , and scratched his nose . ' Oh dear , you haven 't spent the past two weeks thinking you were dead , have you ? ' ' Oh no , that just knocked you physiological signature out of phase . My dear chap , you 're not dead . No one can see you , and you can 't make contact with anything , but you 're not dead . I 'm not a killer you know , at least never intentionally . ' Jake was trying his best to take it all in . ' If you knew this , why have you waited two weeks to tell me ? Do you have any idea what I 've been going through ? ' ' I can only imagine . I 've been trying to find a way to bring you back into phase , but I can 't . I suppose to all intents and purposes as long as you 're on this planet you are dead . ' ' I can take you somewhere in the TARDIS , ' the Doctor indicated the Police Box , ' where you can live with people who will be able to see you . I 've all ready arranged it with . . . erm . . . with a friend . I 'll take you to him and he will take you the rest of the way . ' ' What about her ? ' Jake pointed at Fay , who was just getting out of her car . The Doctor looked over , then back at Jake , his features uncertain . ' She 's my fiancée , and I have to say goodbye to her . She thinks I 'm dead . ' ' What ? ' Jake walked past the Doctor and pointed at Fay . ' I love her . Do you have any idea what it 's like to be in love ? To feel so incredibly happy just because someone smiles at you ? Just the slightest disagreement and I 'm devastated . Just imagine what she feels now ? I have to tell her what 's happened ! ' The Doctor still didn 't look so sure . ' Well . . . ' He smiled , relenting . ' Very well , but I assure you this is a bad idea . ' Jake Morgan held Fay 's hands in his for one last time . Both of them were crying , feeling both happy and sad at the same time . At first she had been shocked , but he had soon convinced her of the truth . Jake bit his lip and took a very deep breath . ' Nor will I , but I have to go . Promise me you 'll find someone to make you happy . ' They hugged once more , holding each other so tight that Fay found it hard to breathe . Finally they let go and Jake stood up . Fay looked up at him . Jake Morgan stepped into the TARDIS after the Doctor , and turned at the threshold . He looked over at Fay and waved . ' Goodbye , babe , ' he said and closed the door behind him . Growing up in the ' 70s and 80s it was very hard to escape Doctor Who , much like now really . And being a science fiction fan from an early age , drifting to Doctor Who was an obvious thing . I wasn 't an avid follower as a child , but I did watch many episodes . Oddly enough , I didn 't really get into the show until 1987 , when I found myself watching episode two of Time and the Rani ( yeah , I know , what an episode to come back to ! ) , and I haven 't missed an episode since . Naturally enough , though , when I started getting into it again , it got cancelled . The ' 90s were , in some respects , a dark time for Who , but also very exciting with the plethora of novels being released ! I was asked . No , seriously , I was known to the director of Candy Jar Books and he 's a huge fan and he wanted to publish a Who related book for the anniversary . He asked me because I know my stuff , and figured it 'd be fun to work with me on it . We took a while to decide about what to write , however ; he suggested a book looking at what went wrong during the ' 80s , but I came back with an idea about a guide to the companions . We 've not had one of those properly since David Howe 's book back in the Virgin days , and a lot has happened with Who since then . A lot ! Cover by Terry Cooper , Copyright Candy Jar Books 2013 Doctor Who is very popular in America ; is this book tailored for that market ? It 's been translated by the TARDIS telepathic circuits ! Honestly , like Doctor Who itself , this book is designed for every fan out there . Old or new , it doesn 't matter , there 'll be something for everyone . Because it 's been so long since we 've had a guide talking about the companions . I believe it was in 1996 that Howe released his book , and we 've had innumerable books , audio CDs , and TV episodes since then . Loads of new information has been revealed on TV since 2005 that relates to the companions of old , that it 's nice to put these things into some kind of context . Plus , since 2005 the majority of Doctor Who merchandise has been closely regulated by the BBC ( which is fine ; it 's a very important brand now ! ) , and so doing an unofficial guide means I don 't need to tow the party line , and can look at things with an honest eye . Doctor Who is awesome , best thing on British TV , but it 's not perfect , and neither are all the Doctor 's companions . It 's essential . It 's easy these days , with Doctor Who being a regular feature on TV , to forget that the fans went through sixteen years without any ongoing series ( bar one television movie in 1996 ) . From 1990 all the way through to 2005 Doctor Who was the Expanded Universe . The novels , and latterly the Big Finish audios , were the lifeblood of Doctor Who . They kept the property alive and told , in my view , some of the best stories in the entire fifty years . And , as noted in Companions , the books set up much of what we see on television today . Certainly what we 've seen with Rose and Donna , and indeed Amy & Rory , is nothing new to Doctor Who ; merely an expansion of what was explored in the novels and , to a lesser extent , in the Big Finish audios . It 's a shame that , in some ways , the majority of the books and audios will remain overlooked because they 're not part of the television canon . Certainly by a large percentage of the audience brought to the property via the new series . Another reason why Companions is so important ; to show the more recent fans how rich a history Doctor Who has . Which companion did you most enjoy writing about ? Hmm , tough one . Rose and Jack , for sure . I 'm not a huge fan of these characters , and fail to understand why Rose is so popular . She 's really not a nice person at all . Don 't get me wrong , Billie Piper did an amazing job , but the character is far from the best kind of person . Jack I 've never really got - it was my view that he 's a very different character in Torchwood to how he is in Doctor Who and this has jarred with me ever since Torchwood began . So writing up his entry , and really studying him , has made me realise that , actually , he is the same character and something very clever is done with him - intentional or not , I don 't know , but read his entry and decide for yourself . Of course , I loved writing for Donna ! In fact , writing the end of her entry nearly brought a tear to my eye . And then there 's Sarah . . . Ah , so many ! Oh , fiction is my first love - always will be . But , there are more reference works in the pipeline . One Who related and one that isn 't . Writing this book has been a whole different kind of challenge - seriously hard work , but it 's been fun , too . But , yeah , back to fiction for a month and then onto the next reference work . Better get the coffee ready ; I 'm gonna need it !